dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Duc, regardless of what test you are writing a practice essay for, the main component that must be seen by the examiner in the first paragraph is the proper paraphrasing of the prompt requirement. A proper restatement of the prompt, in your own words, will prove that you are capable of understanding English instructions and serve to garner you a respectable task accuracy score. The fact that you took a shortcut in your prompt restatement so you could jump directly into the discussion of the topic, without properly outlining the discussion shows that you disregarded the academic writing rules of the English language and makes it difficult for you to gain a higher score with this essay. Since you did not post the full prompt requirements for our reference, I am unable to further advice you regarding improvement points in your essay aside from the obvious flaws in a general sense. Please remember to post the complete prompt instructions next time along with your essay so that a more useful assessment of your written essay can be made.
***Hi Duc**. I am going to give you responds related your contents. I would not focus on your grammar.  
First, you are supposed to understand the given statements well. I admit that your paraphrase is different with the original statement. That could reduce your score because it is related to task responses. In addition, your thesis statement (the last sentence of the first paragraph) has displayed that you would explain a different topic. Actually, you should concentrate on whether increasing the number of facilities is the best way or not.  
  
For your body paragraph, you should directly show why you disagree that increasing facilities does not influence. At first glance, I thought you want to elucidate that the way works. I suggest that you directly mention and explore your idea. I meant that you show your reason and give an example in real life. Following this, please be careful of using a conjunction. There is a mistake in placing the conjunction. However, your conclusion is enough good because that could clearly represent what you explained in the body paragraph. It is simple, but you successfully paraphrase your opinion.  
  
I believe you can write better if you wanna practice more and more..  
GOOD LUCK*
**Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## competition or cooperation among kids?

  
  
There are parents who have a dilemma and are unsure if their children should compete or cooperate with others. Nowadays, competition is too tight among students from school to outdoor activities. However, I think it would be better to tell children the importance of cooperation, instead of emphasizing how necessary a sense of competition is.  
  
Competition in children should not be encouraged because this may destroy their innocent happiness. Actually, parents are a big factor in competitions among children. For instance, some of them force their kids to recite poems about the Tang Dynasty as many as possible because parents feel ashamed if their children remember less than their peers.  
  
What's more, although competition would make a progress, it could also bring the sense of discouragement and frustration, which may put children down and become unconfident. Besides, children who only know how to compete with others but lack kindness, honesty, and cooperation, may not build true friendship with others. However, teamwork is important since competition is becoming fierce. Nowadays, it is almost impossible for a person to finish his work or fight for his future alone.  
  
In comparison with competition, parents would encourage their children to cooperate with others. As for children, by developing teamwork, they could learn how to get along with others and respect them. Moreover, not only will children gain friendship, they could also acquire knowledge from others' experiences, which are helpful in correcting their shortcomings. Therefore, teamwork is encouraged developed in schools broadly.  
  
In conclusion, a sense of competition should not be encouraged even though it could motivate children's capacity to some extent. In my opinion, cooperating with others is more important in children's learning and growth development. However, it is not also wise to depend too much on others.
@celinechan This essay will not get a passing score because it failed to properly address the prompt requirements. Rather than discussing the supporting and non-supporting side of the topic, then presenting your personal opinion, you immediately took the opposing side and centered the essay on that sole topic. Review the prompt requirement. The discussion instructions are very clear:   
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
It is imperative that you learn to understand the discussion instructions and that you have the ability to present the required reasons and opinions in the manner expected. Like I said, this essay deviated from the prompt instructions by presenting only one opinion throughout the essay. An even bigger problem is that you tried to fold in your personal discussion opinion in the concluding statement. This is a common mistake among English exam takers. Please try to always remember that the concluding statement is used to represent an accurate summary of your discussion presentation. Under no circumstances are you allowed to present any new information, such as a personal opinion, in the concluding statement. That is an academic writing violation. Since this essay did not follow the discussion instructions and you introduced new information in the conclusion, this essay will not even get a passing score in an actual setting.
***In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing.  
Does this trend have positive or negative effects on society?***  
  
## More and more elderly people in today's society

  
  
Older people have made up more of the population in the west than ever and their share is relentlessly rising. Though they may make extraordinary contributions, the demographic transition has a severe impact on society.  
  
To begin with, it's necessary to clarify what the aging trend actually means. First, it involves larger older population, who, admittedly, are special assets to society for their experience, knowledge, sophistication and growing eagerness to continue working. More Often than not they are the backbone of their fields, as proved by Nobel-winners. The leading figures in science are all at an advanced age.  
  
However, the steady increase in senior citizens also drives up healthcare costs, since the elderly are vulnerable to disease and sometimes suffer from more than one condition at a time. According to the WHO, the over-60s already account for a quarter of the global burden of death and illness. Financial pressure is exerted on sociality. More resources have to be allocated to them and then the share of others is squeezed.  
  
The situation is even worse, given the fact that the higher proportion of the old also involves, though not obviously, lower birth rates and the consequent smaller younger population. In this respect, social institutions for children and adolescents bear the most direct effects. In Japan, for instance, over 400 schools are forced to shut down per year from 2003 onwards.  
  
Labor markets are not spared either, since youths are the major source of workforce. It is certain to shrink when the numbers of younger people reduce. The elderly cannot compensate for the shortage. In general, they are less energetic and ambitious and their physical conditions don't allow them to work as blue collars. Smaller labor force leads to fewer taxpayers. The financial pressure from older people becomes all the more unaffordable.  
  
The conclusion is clear: the comparative increase in older people adds to financial burden and weakens labor force. It causes comprehensive, far-reaching, and above all, mainly negative effects on society.
Wang, an IELTS Task 2 essay is limited to only 5 paragraphs composed of a maximum of 5 fully developed sentences. Believe it or not, when you write an essay using a timer and actually write under time pressure, you will find that there is absolutely no way you can come up with 6 paragraphs for an essay. That is because your outlining, drafting, revising, and finalizing of the essay needs to be completed within the 30 minute time allotment. So practice writing using a timer set to 30 minutes at a time. It is pivotal that you practice in an actual exam setting in order to be better prepared for the actual test day.   
  
Based on the aforementioned instructions, you should be able to tell for yourself which among your paragraphs fail the task accuracy and grammar accuracy scoring portion of the test. The opening statement, most of all, requires additional work. You need to better represent the side that you will be discussing as a personal belief on your part instead of leaving the reader to wonder as to whose opinion is being represented. If this is not a personal opinion, then classify it as such as well. These are all part of the outlining of your discussion process that helps to prepare the reader for your upcoming line of reasoning.   
  
Use only practical examples in your essay, do not exaggerate by saying things like "Noble Prize winners" or quoting researched information. Let me remind you that the testing center computers will be locked down and you will not have access to exterior internet sources. Practical examples that come from personal knowledge or experience always impresses the reviewer and also keeps you comfortable enough in your presentation to use better sentence structures throughout your essay.
Hi Wang Gang..  
I have read your essay closely and found a few improvement you have needed. Turning to your introductory paragraph, you should remove reasons about factors causing increasing older people because it is not important in your thesis statement. It is better if you mentioned why you said that the matter has brought detrimental effects on society. Focus on your prompts given.  
  
Honestly, I really like your explanation of the first reason in the body paragraph. However, your second reason is irrelevant to the topic. You could not say that the number of young people declines because there is a statement about the issue. Please, you concentrate on increasing elder people. Your fourth paragraph also elucidated declining the young people. Your explanation is good, but you could not meet the task responses. Pay attention to the edge of statement and question given.  
  
For your conclusion, your way to display is enough good. You only needed sharpening your understanding about the question.  
I believe you can pursue the higher score on condition that you can get the points of the question. Practice more and more.  
GOOD LUCK
Art is considerable cultural heritage that depicts uniqueness and mirrors national features, traditions and customs. Although its significance, engaging of people and their interest in art are in decline recent years, while more importance is given to science and technology. Some causes for this ignorance can be identified, but there are some solutions to turn this view.  
  
There are several primary reasons why attention and attitude towards turned into technical areas. Firstly, art is the occupation that does not guarantee high salary. People tend to study sought after professions like scientist, that are more indispensable and in-demand in society. Secondly, human beings are considerably dependent on technologies, as gadgets facilitate daily tasks, medical service helps to prevent and cure diseases and generally make our life more convenient. Observing benefits and achievements of technologies people started developing science spheres. Due to these opportunities mankind prefer technical and business skills, rather that artistic abilities.  
  
Some activities can be taken to solve problem. To begin with, government should support art galleries and art related subjects in school in order to increase awareness of its importance and establish artistic skills among children. Likewise, emotional appeals , performances of musicals, operas and plays can motivate and create desire in society to develop arts. Unfortunately, people are busy, having congested schedule and are not able to visit museums and galleries at their spare time. Hence, administration can open cultural centers at night and arrange events, that will give opportunities to visit them at weekends. Those solutions can improve current situation and alter attitude towards art into positive.  
  
To sum up, art is a fundamental part of lifestyle that lost its popularity. However, with the right steps of government and individuals the problem will be solved.
Adiya, due to the lack of the prompt instructions regarding the actual topic and discussion style, it it's difficult to review your essay. Without that information, and having read your paraphrasing, as an examiner, I would fail your essay because the outline of the points for discussion, as well as a clear reference to the original topic claim cannot be found in your paraphrasing. In other words, the point of the essay was severely lost in translation. What is the issue for consideration and why is it important? How do you plan on discussing it? My interest wasn't held by your opening statement because of the improperly developed opening statement. Several under developed reasons per paragraph weakened the discussion. One or two strong points in individual paragraphs, to assist in your complex sentences development would have been better for your final score. Simply narrating reasons without actually discussing them doesn't help improve your grammar accuracy score because your sentences tend to remain simple and cannot really be used to assess your English lesson resource, comprehension, and written skills potential. Your conclusion doesn't follow the academic rule of 3 sentences minimum so this will also lower your score as it doesn't represent a properly developed paragraph. Overall, this is a good attempt that could have been better had you done certain things while developing your essay response.
**What are the advantages and disadvantages for children of watching television ? [IELTS WRITING]**  
Please give your comments  
  
## watching tv influences children in several ways

  
  
Nowadays, the habit of watching television is becoming more and more popular. Almost young people spend their time sitting in front of the television at home instead of going out with friends. However, there are both pros and cons of doing this indoor activity. In this essay, I will discuss some reasons why watching television is good and some of its drawbacks.  
  
Let's start by looking at the advantages for youngsters of television. One of the main positives is that it expands their knowledge. What I mean by this is that there are many educational programmes and documentaries. Everything they watch supplies new information, which can be used when they need, especially in their studies.  
  
Secondly, there are many entertainment programmes that can help children relax. A funny show can make them laugh a lot, while an exciting movie may relieve their stress at school. In addition, through television channels, juveniles can broaden their horizon, which gives them valuable experience.  
  
Turning to the other side of the argument, watching too much television is not good for health. Staring at television screen for a long time often reduces children's eyesight. This often leads to myopia, which affects directly to their studies, their ability to feel life by sight.  
  
Another issue is that it can be harmful to watch unsafe programmes. In other words, children may see violent and even sex scenes while switching channels. For instance, the 'WWE' program consists of many violent moves and fights. They may copy the action and can injure themselves.  
  
All things considered, watching television influences children in several ways. It can be a good way for them to learn new things, but also can harm their health and behavior. Personally, I believe the benefits in terms of watching television eventually outweigh any negatives.
Kim, you have written a very impressive essay that is informative and shows off your English fluency skills to a certain degree. The main problem with your essay is not in your English comprehension skills nor your discussion, both of those are very well represented. The problem, is that you did not follow the academic requirement for an IELTS essay. What are these expected academic essay requirements?   
  
1. The essay must be only of 5 paragraphs in length.   
2. Each paragraph must be composed of a maximum of 5 sentences each.   
3. A personal opinion should only be presented when required by the prompt instructions  
  
How can you improve your writing process in this case? First of all, learn to write only 5 sentences per paragraph. That means, you need to present only one reason per paragraph. So use one sentence to present the topic sentence at the start, then 4 sentences for the supporting evidence. One topic sentence per paragraph allows for proper paragraph thought development and allows you the time to perfect your complex sentence presentations. Keep in mind the original instructions of the essay. The instructions you presented here only asked you to discuss both opinions. It does not mention any opportunity to discuss a personal opinion. Stick to the instructions by presenting only what is required. Therefore, this essay in particular should not be any more than 4 paragraphs covering:   
  
1. Paraphrasing of the prompt  
2. First reason and discussion  
3. Second reason and discussion  
4. Concluding summary  
  
In instances when a personal opinion is required, it is always best to keep the 4th paragraph for your personal opinion and then you can present a 5th paragraph for the concluding summary. Academic writing rules dictate that a personal opinion cannot be included in the summary conclusion because the personal opinion offers additional information that needs to be discussed. A conclusion can never present new information because there is no opportunity for reasoning development in the concluding paragraph.
## tv content may harm children' behaviour

  
  
With the rapid development of technology, television has become one of the most indispensable appliances in people's daily life. However, some people, especially British parents, argue that televisions would damage their children's cognitive development. Personally, I think that owning a television at home will do more good than harm for children.  
  
One of the most important reasons for my belief is that television is the most effective tools to inform children of the latest news and scientific development over the world. Television tells us the recent progress of researches in various fields such as information technology, genetic breakthroughs, and so on. These things can stimulate the imagination of children and encourage them to carry out relevant experiments, discover new findings in their study.  
  
Additional reason strengthening my opinion is that programs broadcasted on TV channels enlarge children's knowledge of scope. Programs about nature and geography can inspire children to be more engrossed in exploring the world. Meanwhile, programs about adventures can cultivate children's creativity and the ability to tackle difficulty, programs about science can increase children's interest in science and technology.  
  
However, some British parents argue that televisions have bad influence on children. A few imporper programs on televisions play negative effects in the growth of children. The shots about violence, crimes and pornography contents are making children walk on the criminal road.  
  
To sum up, I believe that television will not harm children's creativity. But in the mean time, the governments should join hands with parents to prohibit the unhealthy contents on TV as well as control the length of time for children to watch TV.
Iris, in order to receive an accurate and appropriate review of your essay, you must always include the full prompt instructions and topic. Without that you work cannot be scored properly for task accuracy, appropriateness of response, and method or response. These 3 criteria after integral on considering whether your essay would pass or fail in an actual exam setting. Considering your overall response, there it's a lack of balance in terms of your discussion. In a 5 paragraphs essay you have to present the following:  
  
1. Paraphrased prompt and opinion  
2. Public opinion and reason 1  
3. Public opinion 2 and reason 2  
4. Personal opinion in coordination with paragraph 3  
5. Summarized conclusion  
Your presentation of evidence is strong in some parts, weak in others. This isn't bad for a practice test. You need to work on properly developing your discussion presentations to sound more natural instead of extremely researched and academically presented. Your con discussion is underdeveloped. All paragraphs require 3 - 5 sentences in order to represent a fully developed paragraph. Your essay cannot be judged for accuracy due to the reasons above. Accurate scoring is also not possible for the same reason.
@Holt  
Thank you Holt for your review. I'm sincerely grateful. Firstly, I d'like to say that my full essay topic is "Some British families decide not to buy televisions because they influence the development of the creativity of children. What do you think?". I was so careless that I forgot to entail it in my post. Secondly, I need to say again that your review is extremely valuable to me, which will help me deal with my weaknesses. I know my essay is imbalance but in the 4th paragraph and the con discussion, I lost my words and did'n know what should be written to extend the paragraphs. Could you help me out?
## stay at home to look after your children - the government will pay you

  
  
There is no doubt that children at early age required an extra care. Some people argue that the government should provide funds to one of the parents to care take of their children by staying at home. I will discuss the merits and demerits of policy in my essay.  
  
On the one hand, one of the negative aspects of this policy is this that it increases the conflicts among the family. This is because if both the parents have a prominent education qualification, then they both want to continue their career. Therefore, it will be the tough situation for them that which one will sacrifice their job and look after their children. Furthermore, money is not the only thing for which individual works, there is also the passion which drives them for their job. For instance, one of the newspapers gave evidence through survey that more than 60 percent both parents want to work after marriage. Thus, use of this policy might create problem in families.  
  
On the other hand, positive aspect of this policy is that the children will get the enormous care and will grow in a healthy environment provided by one of their parent. The reason for this is if one of the parents stay at home and at the same time gets paid by the government for same, this will automatically relax their mind and they will joyfully spend their time with their kids. For example, according to the survey done by the Nascom surveyor company it is found that those children who spend full time with their parents are more emotionally attached with them in comparison to others. As a consequence of this, strong bond will be developed in the family.  
  
In conclusion, while there are some disadvantages of the policy like it may result in dispute among parents due to their career aspect, it also has advantage like the kids will get more love and care which results in a happy family.  
  
*I need atleast 7 band in IELTS please hep me to improve by tough marking. Thanks*