dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Nowadays, people are living longer and healthier.

  
***Although it proof that living condition and medicine is better and better, it predict a opposite problem. That is one third of the population will be aged 65 or over and birth rates will decline by the year 2030. What effects will this have on our society?***  
  
This problem definitely lead to many negative effects to economic development. Many evidences show that almost assets are owned by elderly people. However, they are getting older and older, their health is more depress too, then cause many complaints: stroke, cancer, diabetes,.. This mean that they have difficulty in working to support their living. So they are forced to depend on other working people and social welfare cost. Gradually, that will become a economic burden on our society.  
  
By 2030, the birth rate will have declined and the percentage of old people will have risen significantly. This means that fewer people will be working, therefore fewer people will be paying income taxis. So it's more difficult for government and enterprises to maintain the pension fund. Younger generation will also need to work much harder to make up this economic shortage. Not only that, population aging also result in labor shortage then affect negatively to economy.  
  
So what can be done now to prevent these problem? First, I believe that government should increase the official retirement age to 70 or even older. Secondly, I think a suitable population policy will make a positive effect, for example encouraging people to have larger families. Finally, goverment should encourage migration from developing countries so that the problems of over-crowding can also be solved.
Although it ~~proof that ... better~~ -> is obvious that medical breakthrough has improved living standards, it ~~predict a opposite problem~~ -> seems not to lengthen human life expectancy. ~~That is~~ One third of ... and birth rates ~~will decline~~ -> will have declined by the year 2030. What ...  
  
... lead to ~~many negative ... development~~ -> economic depression  
**So they are forced to depend on other working people and social welfare cost. Gradually, that will become a economic burden on our society.** : It is pretty good  
  
So what can be done now to prevent these problems?  
B]Your essay is lack of conclusion[/B]
This is a task 2 essay. That means the first paragraph should be a paraphrase or restatement of the given prompt in a factual manner. The first paragraph is never used to begin the discussion. The TA score is based on your English comprehension skills. That means the TA score is mostly focused on the way that you represent the requirements of the introduction / paraphrase paragraph. The requirements for the first paragraph are:  
  
- A clear and cohesive restatement of the prompt topic for discussion. Include repetitions of the reasons from the original using a different sentence structure and keywords representation. This is to be done in your own words.  
  
- A restatement of the instruction for the prompt which is represented by your response to the instruction. In this case it would have been:  
*... This essay shall discuss the outcome of the decline in birthrate and increase in the aging population.*  
  
Now, forgoing the mistake in the requirements for the first paragraph, your current introduction and the following discussion paragraphs would have functioned very well as supporting evidence for your topics. It is well thought out and clearly based on a thorough understanding of the topic, without requiring research. The common sense approach to the discussion helped you create a good mix of complex and simple sentences. Word of caution though, do not use ellipses in formal essay writing. The ellipses are better used in informal / casual essay writing. This is an academic paper that expects you to follow basic English grammar rules in your presentation.  
  
There is a possibility that you may face additional point deductions in the TA section for offering solutions to the problem. That is because you were only being asked to discuss the effects, not possible solutions. You ended up deviating from the given prompt which, ended up changing the whole discussion point in the end. Do not offer information that is not asked for in the original prompt. Otherwise your essay will be scored based on a tangential response score in the TA section.  
  
The essay is not properly concluded. There is no concluding paragraph presented because you discussed an additional, unsolicited topic in the last paragraph instead of simply summarizing the full discussion for the concluding wrap up statement as required.
**## Cambridge 1 Writing Task 1

  
The charts below show the results of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reasons why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared**  
  
The given diagrams illustrate the result of a survey related to studying the purpose of adults and the distribution in their academic cost.  
  
According to the first chart, we can see the 2 largest proportion of those interesting in the subject and gaining higher qualifications is respectively 40% and 38%, while three following academic motives such as getting employee benefits, opportunities for promotion and enjoying studying just reach half of 2 above. A meager number with 12% focus on job-hoppers and a rest percentage taking up 5% show that there're very few people registrating course to meet others.  
  
Meanwhile, from the pie chart, it is obvious that the majority of people opine that 40% tuition fee should be paid for individuals, following 35% for employers and the remaining 25% cost for taxpayers.  
  
In summary, most of the adults making their studying decision based on their excitement with the courses and their prosperous careers. They also supported that Student benefits should be a top priority.  
  
*Thank you for all your feedbacks.*  
  
* 
*
You have not written enough words to truly represent your LR and GRA scores. In terms of the TA assessment, you properly identified the content of the illustrations. However, you failed to properly identify the types of drawings provided (bar chart and pie chart). This is supposed to be a detailed summary report. Part of the presentation of information requires an identification of the measurement types.  
  
Your GRA will be affected because you wrote long sentences that included 2 information presentations instead of individual sentences with one data presentation each. You have not written enough of a mix of complex and simple sentences to get a good GRA score. Next time, use full stops. Avoid using commas because the information presented in the drawing is independent of each other. Regardless of the comparison discussion required. The discussion presentation per paragraph requires at least 3 sentences, or 200 words in total. 200 represents the magic number of words required to reach a good C&C and GRA score.
I think what you need to do to improve the essay further is to create a stronger foundation for the story. The descriptive story telling is good, but it doesn't have a backstory to support the love of the sea of the main character. Why does this character love the sea so much? By the way, there are some vocabulary mistakes in your presentation. When you said he "emerged into the brine", you misused the word "emerge". To emerge means to come out of. In this presentation, I think you should have instead said "He glided INTO the brine". It makes more sense and describes the action in a more applicable manner.  
  
You might also want to consider adding a paragraph describing the character coming out of the sea, then pondering a return, risking his life even while knowing that the sea would most likely kill him. Right now, the ending doesn't explain why it would make sense for him to return to the sea, conscious of the fact that he would never leave it again.
## veg diet - healthy and friendly

  
  
How do you think about eating vegetarian? Do you have habit with vegetarian? How many days do you eat vegetarian every month or every year?  
  
Today is full moon in Vietnam. In this day, many people will do many kind things such as doing charity, releasing fish, eating vegetarian. I also like doing charity in this day. I tried to eat vegetarian one year ago. About releasing fish, I have not done this job yet. This is my plan in this year. I will invite my friend to join with this good activity.  
  
I want to talk about eating vegetarian. I think you heard many good things from eating vegetarian including it is good for your health. When you eat vegetarian with vegetable, fruit, cereals, you health is better. Your face can be more beautiful. When you eat less meat, your breath is fresh more, you hardly meet caries. I hear this from my teacher.  
  
To me, I still remembered I used to read book of Thich Nhat Hanh. He said that when we can eat vegetarian, we help our world. In this book said that every second, meat industry has made 43 thousands kilograms animals dung. It is more than 130 times all of human dung in the earth. When we want to make one kilogram of meat, people need to use 8 750 liters of waters. While, people want to make one kilogram wheat, people only need to use 87 liters of waters.  
  
When I read this paragraph, it makes me think again. And I changed. From a person who is difficult to eat vegetirian, I started to eat. I can eat 4 days although in the past, eating vegetarian a half of day is my effort. In summary, when I want to do some things, I will find the way to adapt. I believe in myself that I can do this.  
  
Today, I support my mom to prepare some dishes in worship full moon. This is what I cook. I am happy.  
While I am waiting to have lunch, I write some things.
I am not exactly sure what the point of this exercise is. There is a severe disconnect between the title, the focus of the early essay and the point of the last part of the presentation. It appears to me that you just wrote this essay as a simple English writing exercise. Therefore, I will advise you as to how to further improve your writing skills based on that assumption.  
  
Please be conscious of how to spell words. You need to consistently spell the keyword vegetarian properly. You misspelled the word once in this presentation. You also need to make sure that you properly refer to your readers in this essay. You have word choice errors in the presentation ( you= your). You also have problems with your noun phrases. The correct term is 43 thousand, not thousands. The hyphenation problem can also be seen in the way that you mistakenly wrote one-kilogram sans the hyphen.  
  
The sentence structures are problematic. It lacks coherence due to the mixed-up English words that you used to create the sentences. This tells me that you are a beginner in learning the English language. I strongly suggest that you brush up on your basic English vocabulary. Reading English comic books and watching shows with English sub-titles should help you become more familiar with the way English sentences are developed, constructed, and presented to the reading public. You will definitely learn from those examples.  
  
Don't worry, the essay is simple enough to understand. The point of your essay can still be found in the writing, although reading the essay causes some confusion for the native English speakers. You should just keep writing and posting at this forum so that we can collectively help you improve your English writing skills.
## Food self-sufficiency and international trade

  
  
Food plays an important, dispensable role in our life. As a consequence of International Economic Integration, there are more countries import food to meet their people's demands and to diversify food sources. However, some individuals have been argued that countries should do their best to produce their own food for residents and cut down less import food as possible as they can. In my perspective, I quite agree with this point of view.  
  
On the one hand, it can not be denied that self-food production will help countries solve a large number of problem areas. First of all, it can create new jobs for inhabitants and diminish a state of unemployment somewhat, which is at such a high rate that most governments all over the world have been handling with, especially the developing ones. The more jobs are offered, the fewer people having to suffer in unoccupied situations would be decreased. It is estimated that a food process needs at least 100 workers to operate, which means 100 people will be released from unemployment. This will help repel a range of social evils and the world would become better. Furthermore, self-food production can promote the enhancing of technical and professional qualifications of workforces, so that the national economy will become more and more developed.  
  
On the other hand, by producing food by themselves, countries would not be much dependent on the importing areas. In case something unexpected happens, such as a crisis occurring in an importing country that could lead to the scarcity of food sources, countries that produce their own food would not get into any serious trouble because they are in a proactive position, they still have plenty of food sources to supply for their residents, which could help these countries stay stable and not be much affected to the economy.  
  
All in all, though rarely a country can accomplish 100 percent of the self-food production, it seems to be a wise move for those encourage it. Being in a proactive place is always better in any circumstance.
Based on the original prompt for this discussion, it appears that you have cut and paste some references from the original. That means, you did not try very hard to paraphrase the presentation. Hence your GRA score will reflect your inability to formulate original phrases and sentences with point deductions. You also do not have a very good grasp of how English words are formed. The word is "cannot", not "can not".  
  
Now, you are asked to write a minimum of 250 words based on common sense, basic known information to the writer, and public opinion. It does not require researched information just to unnecessarily expand the word count. The essay contains researched information. Do not make it a habit of doing research when you write because the testing center will have locked down computers, No internet access. Use only your basic knowledge and ability to write the discussion for the topic. It is useless to write almost 400 words if you do not properly reflect your analytical and discussion abilities in the essay. Writing 275-300 words of your own inductive or deductive reasoning words will be more beneficial to over 300 words of researched information. You cannot do research during the actual test.
Hello everyone, I would like to express my gratitude towards nice friends giving me helpful comments on my first IELTS essay posted on this forum. Could you please spare a few minutes and give me feedbacks on my second work? Sincere thanks for your assistance  
  
*Task 2: Is the mental strength important for success in sports or is it important to have strong and fit people in sports. Discuss both views and give opinions.*  
  
Various views are held on the issue of what type of factor is critical to triumphs in sport events. While some people may point out that athletes who are mentally tough will be champions, critics contend that lusty competitors are more likely to achieve stunning victories than the rest. Nevertheless, I am convinced that contestants having mental stamina can overcome stumbling blocks in competitive games. In this essay, both perspectives are under discussion as following.  
  
Apparently, having a strong constitution plays a vital role in the athletes' career advancement. They are required to attend training courses regularly in order to be in good physical condition. As a result, players are capable of competing against rivals who are at the same level as them. It is therefore agreed that contestants' well-being is the first priority. If they don't have enough energy, they will definitely feel exhausted during the games and end up as losers. Cristiano Ronaldo is a typical example. Thanks to his strict workout plan, he is at the peak of fitness and in magnificent shape. At the age of 35, he is regarded as the most skillful football player due to impressive records as well as his lustiness.  
  
Voices from the other side could also be heard against this matter claiming that athletes' mental power contributes enormously to the final outcome. Without demand management ability, consistency, motivation, focus, strong self-belief and control under pressure, players could hardly outperform their challengers. Besides, I firmly believe that the cultivation process of mental energy benefits them from overcoming their weakness and gaining a victory over themselves. To illustrate, during Roger Federer's first period of playing tennis, he unfortunately suffered the loss of success in the first round of Wimbledon. After consecutive years of accumulating experience, he has amazingly won eight Wimbledon men's single titles and gained several prizes. It is obvious that his absolute determination has made him one of the most inspiring tennis players of all time.  
  
In a nutshell, some people are of the opinion that powerful contestants are unbeatable easily, whilst others are against such a view and credit the significant influence of a positive mindset. Personally, I support the latter stance since players with strong passion will doubtlessly seize the initiative in the crucial matches and tournaments and win the games.
You are still confused as to how to approach the public point of view with personal opinion essay. The format for the discussion is, in no particular order:  
  
Par. 2 - Mental health is important PUBLIC POV  
Par. 3 - Strong and fit PUBLIC POV  
Par. 4 - Personal opinion that considers the reason for each discussion before presenting an informed opinion.  
  
The opinion statement in this type of essay must always consider a personal comparison of the 2 public opinions before presenting a final personal opinion in the discussion.  
  
The TA section of your score will be affected due to the lack of clarity in your paraphrased introduction. There are several confusing sentences in that section which includes:  
  
- critics contend that *lusty* competitors are more likely to achieve stunning victories than the rest.  
  
What exactly did you mean by saying "lusty"? Lusty could be taken to have either a sexual or general meaning. In this case, I believe you meant to indicate "full of strength and vitality". Word of caution, do not use words that could be misconstrued in your presentation. It is okay to use simple words instead of complex vocabulary when you are still a beginner in using the English language. You won't lose points for using simple English vocabulary. If you use a word out of context, or it is misunderstood, it could lower your LR score. Don't just grab a dictionary or thesaurus and use the first impressive sounding word that you see. Make sure it will be used properly and the meaning of the word is clear to the reader the first time they come across it.
## spending more for basic needs

  
  
It is true that the price of living is more and more increasing rapidly in all around the world. Therefore, it bears lots of changes on how people live, earn, and spend their money.  
  
Firstly, the biggest reason which causes this problem is the demand is higher day after day, but natural, goods, foods resources is are becoming scarcely. This problem is the consequence of the higher population density and it puts stress on many aspects of our lives. The cost of food and drinks increasing is the most serious as it decides life quality. If people do not have enough money and they cannot afford to adequate rations, their family will be difficulty in living due to starvation. As a results, they are not able to work effectively so they less money because of their poor productivity. For example, with 3$ earning everyday, poor people only eat noodles instead of rice with meat. Additionally, the cost of renting house is growing dramatically which contributes a lot on the financial burden of all people. The rare of accommodation and the overpopulation makes renting house is a complex question to low-earning people. For instance, people in Hong Kong have to live in some places like cages, there life is difficult and they must choose there to live since it is not expensive for them to afford.  
  
Secondly, some solutions must be used to solve this knotty phenomenon gradually. The most effective remedy is stopping rising the price of food in the supermarket, it will help people a lot. Local government can do it by support the farms with money for transportation and the price will decrease. Moreover, government should build more home which is small but clean and cheap for people to live in. In addition, Increasing the earning of people is integral that helps people manage their lives effectively.  
  
In conclusion, the cost of living increasing affects a lot on lives but if government can help people in many aspects of lives, this cost of living is not a complicated question.  
  
Summary: the cost of living consist of: food, accommodation, etc is increasing rapidly. This problem is a big question to many people especially low-earning peple.
I am not sure if you are writing a Task 2 essay here or just a practice essay for general English classes. Regardless, your original prompt was: In many countries, the cost of living is rising. What effects do higher prices have on individual and society? And what are better ways for people to deal with the high cost?  
  
In any essay, a writer's representation of the given discussion is a requirement. Based on the above prompt, one can clearly see that your paraphrase is incomplete in presentation. You need at least 3 sentences to represent a minimum, complete paraphrase such as:  
  
*Nations across the globe are affected by the constant elevation of the cost of living. These increased costings directly affect the international community. This essay will focus on presenting information regarding the effects of the uncontrolled price increases and methods by which the citizens of any country can address the regular increase in the cost of living.*  
  
You only have a limited amount of time to complete this essay in a coherent manner. Your second paragraph has too much information for processing which resulted in a confused form of writing. Next time, try this format:  
  
Par. 2: Effects of prices on society  
Par. 3 - Ways to deal with the problem  
  
Do not try to discuss both instructed discussion points in a combined form. That creates incoherence in the presentation since you are not a native English speaker. Your grammar structure tends to confuse the reader because your sentence formation can be difficult to understand. However, if you group the discussion by sentence topic, there is a chance you will be able to better explain yourself and in the process, keep the discussion points clear for the reader.