dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Nguyen, let's start with the parts of this essay that you got right. The two reasoning paragraphs in the body of the essay actually develop good discussions in support of increasing the age of retirement. These are supported by strong examples that everyone can understand the logic behind your reasoning comes across clearly. However, that is not to say that you wrote the perfect or passing essay.  
  
The first problem with your essay is that you failed to answer the question as indicated in the original prompt which is: *To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?* Based on your response, I take it that your answer in the prompt paraphrase section should have been "I totally agree with the belief that the age of retirement must be increased." Then then your reasoning paragraphs would have been more effective in its presentation of its discussion points.  
  
Speaking of discussion points, your reasoning paragraphs need to be complete within only 5 sentences, not 6 or more as you presented here. Believe me, you will run out of time to write this essay when you complete more than 5 sentences. Your writing proves that you do not have a clear idea of what the sentences should represent which are:  
  
1. Topic sentence introduction  
2. Reasoning  
3. Supporting factors  
4. Example (optional)  
5. Transition sentence.  
  
The lack of these clear single sentence presentations is what made your essay extremely long and somewhat unfocused in certain points. You kept using word fillers in order to simply write more in the hopes of increasing your LR and GRA scores. When you do that, the C&C aspect is what suffers in the end. Which is why I always tell my students, a long essay does not mean you wrote a good essay nor a passing essay. Such type of writing merely turns the practice test into an English vocabulary building exercise which is not what you should be focused on in this essay. One example is enough, you do not need several to make your point. Just make one point and fully explain it.  
  
You failed to present a proper concluding summary at the end. The concluding paragraph should have indicated a shortened version of your full essay by enumerating the topic, reasons, and your extent response. Yes, it is another discussion paraphrase only this time, it closes the essay presentation instead of opening it. Since you indicated that you believe that the government should impose a new age law, you actually opened a new discussion topic, which means this essay is not concluded at all in terms of discussion. That will have a direct affect on your TA score.
**Some people believe the range of technology available to individuals today is increasing the gap between poor people and rich people. Others think it is having an opposite effect. Discuss these points of view. What is your opinion?**  
  
## communication between people affected by technology

  
  
Today for the time being this is an undeniable fact that the knock on technology on the life of humans can be profound. One group of individuals put forward an argument that technology is a reason of disparity between rich and poor, on the other hand other group of people criticize this opinion. In my essay I am going to discuss both views which must be address accordingly.  
  
As it commonly known that technology is a marker status of globalized world which, in this this turn, opens opportunity for everybody to get profound knowledge and scope of experience. For example in comparison with last century, nowadays it is acceptable for everybody to get bachelor degree at world-prominent universities such as Cambridge, Oxford etc. without visiting them. In addition internet provides equal access for everybody to wide range of information. As a result that is obvious that online shopping, e-learning and social networking achievable for both poor and rich people and reduce the gap between social levels.  
  
But as everything, the negative sides of modernization are not excepted. For instance, new invented robotic hands used by most of car making companies replaced an array of human labor and as a result of this thousands left without work, in contrast this companies increased in their incomes. Moreover, most of vital medicines and medical procedures such as open heart surgery or kidney transplantation costs over thousands of dollars which is unreachable for poor and became the reason of their death. As a consequence that is evident that technology is a layer between social levels of human.  
  
In conclusion taking into an account both sets of argument it should be considered that technology decorates our world and makes it more globalized and acceptable.
Fuad, please do not take what I am about to tell you in the wrong way. My advise is being given in the form of constructive criticism in order to help you improve with your upcoming practice tests. This essay is not going to get you even close to a passing score in the actual IELTS test. This will only get you a score of around 3 at the most due to severe problems existing in the essay.  
  
The very first problem that is very obvious in your essay is that you are not capable of writing even simple English sentences in a manner that can be easily understood by the reader. Most of your writing suffers because of the improper sentence structure and word usage. It would be best for you to start intensive English language lessons in order to improve that part of the problem. You must read, think, speak, and write in English 24/7 if you want to improve those basic skills of yours. If you do not improve your ability to use the English language, then you will not pass this test.  
  
Try to make sure that you explain each topic sentence in every paragraph completely. That means, not just giving reasons for the topic discussion without explaining it thoroughly. You should remember that the best written IELTS tests are those that contain only one topic for discussion per paragraph within 3-5 sentences. That way, the total 5 paragraph presentation will come across as clearly explained and easily understandable. Just remember this, you are not being tested on the number of reasons that you know, you are being tested on how well you can explain one reason based on the given topic.  
  
In the 2nd paragraph, you did not clearly explain how technology has made virtual studying available to all. Nor how does internet shopping and other technological advancements relate to how the gap between the rich and poor has been further developed because of these tech advancements.  
  
I cannot even begin to move on to explaining the other points for improvement in your essay because the problems I mentioned above are the ones that have a direct relation with your ability to score well on the test. Fix those 20 problems first then we can try to fix the remaining problems of your essay writing skills.  
  
Please refer to the abundant Task 2 written examples at this forum as part of your review process. Learn from the mistakes of others, improve based on what you learn from their lessons. That way you can also improve your capacity to write proper prompt responses based on the given instructions. Something you failed to do in this essay because you forgot to give your personal opinion at the end as required by the prompt instructions.
This is an essay for IELTS exam writing task 2. I hope someone could give me some advice on my work. Your help is greatly appreciated!!!!!  
  
## Life would be difficult without the new technology

  
  
SUBJECT: *The Internet has dramatically altered our lives over the past few decades. Although some of these changes have been negative, the overall effect of this technology has been positive. What are your opinions on this?*  
  
ESSAY:  
In nowadays the Internet has played an essential role in our lives. Almost everyone, no matter in what age, owns a smartphone while computers tend to be more accessible. I believe that smartphone makes lives convenient. However, there are pros and cons to us in this situation.  
  
To begin with, one of the largest disadvantages is the smartphone addictions. More and more experts and educators claimed that parents should prevent the smartphone from their children. In order to avoid nearsightedness and obesity, children have to control themselves not to surf on the Internet over two hours a day. Besides, the Internet might provide inappropriate information to children. As for the adults, their privacy may be damaged because of the hackers.  
  
Despite those disadvantages, the Internet is still a helpful technology for our society. First of all, it makes it possible to communicate with others, and do not be disturbed by the distance. Secondly, for those who love shopping, they are able to buy clothes at home. E-commerce grows rapidly and fits the needs due to the Internet. Last but not the least, as the development of the Artificial Intelligence, computers can handle more and more tasks which used to be dealt with human-beings. Thus people can spend more time to stay with their beloved and friends, enjoying lives.  
  
To sum up, it seems to me that the Internet is vital. Although there might be some risks to have this technology in our lives, lives would be more difficult if we do not have it. Undoubtedly the Internet has enlightened our society.  
  
(261 words)
@Elvin  
First of all, I am glad that you have paraphrased the question instead of just copying it, which is a really good point. However, your intro seems off-topic; the subject here asks you about your opinions on the positive and negative effect of the Internet, not of smartphone or computer.  
  
Your body paragraphs, luckily, are still somehow on the right track. But I would recommend you explain your points a little bit more. Your paragraph may have just two main ideas but each idea needs to be more detailed.  
  
Your essay lacks opinion on the topic. This is the opinion essay, which means that you should give your opinion. You can discuss both sides but in the end, you still have to choose which side you more prefer.  
  
There's also some grammatical mistakes throughout your essays, like  
~~In~~ nowadays  
no matter ~~in~~ what age they are.  
parents should prevent ~~the smartphone~~ from ~~their children~~ (which should be otherwise) ...  
  
Overall, your essay has some good points, but it will be greater if you omit some of your main ideas and develop the rest more thoroughly. Also, think about enhancing your sentence structures and more advanced vocabulary.
Elvin, your prompt deviation and succeeding discussion immediately garnered this essay a failing score of 2 because your response is completely unrelated to the task. The task requires a discussion regarding the effect of the internet on the lives of people over several decades. You are being asked to give your opinion based on the positive or negative effects of the internet, not the computer or the smartphone, just the internet, on the lives of people. Your essay discusses the effects of the smartphone on the lives of people. Therefore, it is clear you did not understand the instructions for the discussion nor what the discussion topic is about. As such, you have failed the test due to problematic English comprehension skills.  
  
Only paragraph 3 relates to the question being asked and as such, you can only be scored for that paragraph. Which means that you also have points deducted for not writing the appropriate minimum word count for the essay. Therefore, your essay cannot get a passing test. It failed tremendously in the TA section and then did not do a good job either in the remaining presentation requirements, along with the under word count writing. It is simply impossible for this essay to pass the test.
## changes in some areas of an island

  
  
The figures compares the previous condition to the developed area of the tourism island. It seems that a notable growth happens in central area whilst in the west and east side is almost unchanged.  
  
As shown in the map, the central area has changed significantly where on the frontline of the coast there is a pier to anchor the ship, and about 100 meters in the northern part of the pier there is building to receipt a guest. Not far from the reception building, there are 9 cottages in the east side, but only 6 cottages is built in west side which both of them only can be accessed by walking. Next to the North, there is a restaurant which can be approached by vehicles.  
  
On the contrary, the eastern part of the island still remain virgin forest where is no human intervention, but in the western part although there is unsignificant changed, the beach is modified into swimming pool which only can be accessed by walking.  
  
*
## the poverty proportion of females and males

  
  
The two given charts illustrate the different percentages of women becoming poor and poverty ratio according to gender and age ranges in the United States in 2008. Overall, majority single females without kids became the poorest, while there was a small ratio of poor married females without children. Moreover, females experienced poverty than males according to gender and age.  
  
In the pie chart, more than a half of single women without children were reported as the poorest people. This contrasted to married females without kids showing the lowest percentage at 8%. However, both single and married women having kids took the second and the third of disadvantaged people with 12% and virtually a quarter respectively.  
  
In the bar chart, the poverty proportion of females and males were quite similar at around a fifth in under 5 years old, although the poor elders decreased at approximately 13% of females and 7% of males in the above their 75s. Finally, poverty ratio of women when they were in 45-54 age group reached the last rank at a tenth and men with the same age range were accounted around 7% as well as those in 55-59 age group.  
  
*
Reni, first up, you must make sure to identify the type of charts that are provided in the summary overview otherwise you will be considered to have an incomplete summary. You should have indicates the illustrations on an individual basis ;  
  
*"A pie chart covering the family dynamic of poor women, along with a column chart of the genders considered poor were provided for analysis. The source of the information is the U.S Census Bureau, Current Population Survey, 2008 Annual Social and Economic Supplement. The trend for the pie chart indicates... while the column chart shows..."*  
  
In the above sample, I indicated the missing information from your summary overview in order to show you how it could have been presented in a stronger manner. Next time, try to break up your sentences in terms of information so that you will not be scored down for having run on sentences. Try to present at least 3-5 sentences per paragraph and do your best to use the 4 paragraph format in order to increase your scoring possibilities. When you write in individual sentences, you will find that it will become easier to create the 4 paragraph format. Also, use the actual digits from the graphs rather than measured possibilities. The information given is specific for a reason. These are actual analysis graphs. Any assumed measurements are acceptable only in illustrations that do not have clearly defined measurements in the presentation.  
  
Overall, this isn't a bad attempt. It is informative, though it could inform the reader on a better scale if the mistakes I mentioned were not present. However, the essay does well in informing the reader to a certain degree so you should get a decent score for this type of presentation in an actual test.
Hi good people! I need your feedback in term of writing task 1 (task achievement, lexical resources, cohesion and coherence, grammatical and accuracy)  
  
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Question: **The illustration shows how chocolate is produced. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The pictures show the conventional manufactured chocolate production. Overall, there are 10 stages linear process in total, and it is a man-made with cacao trees being grown in several countries as the beginning and liquid chocolate produced by pressing the inner part as the ending.  
  
At first, the process starts with cacao trees being grown in places such as South America, Africa, and Indonesia. The pods are ready to be harvested when these are ripe. After being harvested, the white cocoa beans are removed from the pods to be fermented. The fermented beans, then, are exposed to the sun for a certain period of time. These beans are packed in large sacks after being dried.  
  
Transporting the sacks by trains or lorries is the next step in the production for them to be taken to the factories. In this place, the beans are roasted before being crushed and the outer shells being removed. The chocolate production ends with pressing the inner part to produce the liquid chocolate.  
  
*
While you did write more than the minimum 150 word count, a task 1 essay always scores best when it is presented in a 3-5 sentence presentation covering 4 paragraphs. That is because the 4 paragraph format gives the impression of a well analyzed report rather than a hurried report as you have presented. In your rush to simply get the essay over with, you misanalysed certain points such as:  
  
1. This is a 2 stage process composed of 5 steps each. It is not a 10 stage process.  
2. You neglected to inform the reader that the color of the ripe Cocoa is actually brown and when cut open, the beans are white.  
3. You did not realize that the white coating is not the bean itself, the beans are the interior part after the white paste is removed.  
  
Since this is a 2 part analysis, you should have had a transition paragraph in between the two procedures or, you should have at least presented a transition sentence after you said the beans are loaded onto trucks. Your paragraphs are under the 3 sentence minimum requirement most of the time so it further becomes obvious that you are not really fully analyzing the illustration you were given. BTW, this is not a picture, it is an illustration. The term was even used in the instructions.  
  
You are lacking a summary overview for this essay. The summary overview would have looked like this:  
  
*The provided illustration signifies the 2 stage process of creating chocolates. The first process is man-made while the second process requires the use of machines. The beans that are used for this analysis come from South Africa, America, and Indonesia. The details of the chocolate making process will be presented for the information of the reader in this essay.*  
  
After that, you can get into the nitty gritty of the analysis of the information presented. Since this is your first time writing the Task 1 essay, I will offer you a pass and let you know that though this essay could be better, you show true potential in writing procedural essays. I do not doubt that you will show improvement with your next procedural essay once you apply the information I have shared with you in your writing of the next essay.
Hello guys, I need your feedback in term of writing task 1 (Task Achievement, Lexical Resources, Cohesion and Coherence, Grammatical and Accuracy)  
  
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**Question :The illustration show how chocolate is produced.**  
  
The pictures explain the process of manufacturing chocolate. In general, the production of chocolate can be divided into two stages. The first is manual process which usually use a farmer skill and secondly processed by machine and tool. All of process have 10 stages from growing up to producing liquid chocolate.  
  
The first phase consist of five steps which are done manually. Starting from cacao tree selecting to the pods harvesting. After that, farmer gets white cocoa beans from the pods. Next stages, cacao beans must be fermented and spread in the sun to dry. The last step for manual process is to put all of cacao beans and package in sacks.  
  
Final phase move to process by machine and tool. After cacao beans ready to package, it is times to bring the sacks to the factory for next step. Roasting machine ha first step to roast the beans until 350 degree. Following this the beans crushed and outer shell removed. Eventually, bean enter to inner part for the result liquid chocolate produced.  
  
*
3th sentese:  
The first is manual process which usually use(s) a farmer skill and secondly processed by machine and tool --> both of them are not in parallel manner. You're able to start by using "Starting by/Initiating by ....."). Blue = subject verb agreement (plural & singular)  
  
Suggestion:  
The first is manual process ~~which usually use a~~ depending on (reduction come from which depends on) farmer skill and ~~secondly~~ the second is ~~processed by machine and tool~~  machinery processing.  
  
4th sentence:  
All of ~~process~~  the processes have 10 stages from growing up to producing liquid chocolate
## How to Improve Access to Education

  
  
**Question:**  
In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the problem can be solved by providing more schools and teachers, while others think that the problem can be solved by providing computers and Internet access. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
  
**Answer:**  
People have different views about whether investing in schools and teachers or supplying computers and Internet access should be taken to shorten the distance to education for children in rural areas. Personally, I side with the view that the latter is more affordable to achieve education for students in remote areas.  
  
There are various reasons why people believe that schools and teachers should be the focus to resolve the problem. They may assert that the insufficient teacher distribution in rural states causes the lack of instructors who help students go through the curriculum. When a teacher have to take care more students in a class, especially in a multi-grade class, students' learning outcomes would not meet expectation due to the fact that they have less chance for asking and communicating. In addition, the modest number of schools in a certain area is a factor that could give influences on home-school distance, which is likely the most burden preventing children from entering schools.  
  
In spite of these arguments, I believe that being equipped with computers and stable Internet connection should be considered as demanding action to solve this issue. Children can take any material or course present in traditional format via Internet, so that they were given the resources to take charge of their own learning while teachers play a role as facilitators. This student-oriented, active learning approach might help to alleviate the burden on teachers, as well as students can keep their own pace and level. As a result, children in remote areas not only have instant access to well-prepared educational program via online platform, but also can update latest knowledge as their peers in better-staffed urban schools.  
  
In conclusion, although infrastructure and human resources might be the target to improve for better education in disadvantaged areas, I personally prefer the innovative in which students have computers to gain knowledge from the Internet no matter what the circumstances.
Hello!  
  
I would recommend changing your first paragraph. First, it is only two sentences. While not bad, the sentences are **long**. Try breaking the first sentence apart and stating that there are different views, what they are, and then lead into what you believe. Short and concise is great, so try summarizing the information. I would also recommend adding a hook. The paragraph is boring and I didn't want to continue reading. I hope this helped a bit!