Truong, this essay is only partially correct in responding to the prompt requirements. The main problems your presentation has are as follows:  
1. Irrelevant prompt paraphrase in the first paragraph  
2. Improper formation of the personal opinion paragraph  
3.Underdeveloped summary conclusion  
  
These 3 problems can very well result in a partial score for this essay that will not be near the passing mark due to the problematic sentence structures, overly simple English vocabulary and a lack of coherence, cohesion, and transition sentences in the paragraphs which could have resulted in a much better presentation of the topic for discussion.  
  
For comparison purposes, let's look at what the original prompt for the discussion is:  
  
Question: Discuss both views and give your own opinion  
Response: In my opinion, I believe that the advantages of aiding the cultural activities are far more outweighed than the disadvantages .  
  
Where exactly does the advantage disadvantage discussion come in? It is clear from the discussion instruction / question that you are changing the prompt requirement, causing a prompt deviation, and not responding to the question in the proper manner. That means you will get a failing score for the TA section. However, since the rest of your body paragraphs are related to the original instruction in response, you will receive a partial score for those sections. However, not passing the TA section means that it will be difficult for you to gain an overall passing score based on the remaining criteria.  
  
Here is a sample of how to properly paraphrase the given prompt:  
  
*There is a discussion as to whether the government should be offering financial support for the promotion of the culture and arts in a given country. Others opine that the government finances would be better spend on other projects. While the other opinion is that the government funding is necessary in order to properly expose the citizens to the country's traditions. This essay will review both points of view after which, I shall present my own opinion on the matter.*  
  
Since this is not a direct question essay, you are not allowed to begin the discussion in the first paragraph. That paragraph is meant only for the prompt paraphrase in relation proving your English comprehension and vocabulary skills from the very beginning of your writing. A mere repeat or explanation of what you understand the original instructions to mean or require for discussion is all that is required.  
  
You are creating redundancies in the essay. Your second paragraph is a complete repeat of the prompt paraphrase again. It also runs beyond the maximum sentence requirement of 5 sentences. This was caused by you repeating of the prompt paraphrase and not actually having a discussion topic for this particular body paragraph. You need to learn that in order to write an effective paragraph you need to use less words that have more meaning in relation to what you want to say. Create clear and concise paragraphs of no more than 5 sentences each.  
  
Your personal opinion in this instance should not be in the form of an "extent" essay as the opinion being asked of you is whether or not the government should spend on culture and art projects. It is not asking if you agree or disagree and to what extent. The correct response should have been contained in a stand alone personal opinion paragraph that indicates, "I believe that the government should continue spending on arts and culture projects because..." There is no agree/ disagree in this instance. An original opinion instead, is what is required as a response.  
  
The concluding paragraph is always required to be a summary of the previous discussion and a restatement of the prompt thesis, along with your personal opinion. That is, for this type of essay. This means that your closing paragraph is not only lacking in the required sentences, but also does not close the discussion because you offered new information in this section. Which means the essay is open ended instead of concluded. An open ended essay means the last paragraph presents new information, but without ample explanation nor relation to the summary of the discussion.