dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Aloha Ifra, here are my responses for your essay;  
(1) ... have a responsibility to solve those problems.(I think, in this essay, we just have one issue/problem. So, you'd better change this phrase)  
  
(2) Personally, i agree that ~~both schools and parents are responsible for children's behaviour~~(you can say it simpler, just say **"I agree this notion/idea/argument"**) because they are ...  
  
(3) In the recent years, both schools [...] gadget even in schools or houses.(you are unsuccessful to convince me how children spending time can be related to unhealthy lifestyle)
Hi Ifra.  
Welcome to Essay Forum. You have been a right medium to improve your writing. In this moment, I only focus on your contents of your writing. Please, meet my notes and consider them to enhance your skill.  
  
have a responsibility to solve those problems  
have a responsibility to TACKLE those problems.  
*Actually, you have succeeded to create the introduction well. You are able to paraphrase the statement and show where your position or opinion in the thesis statement.*  
  
. Those activities actually can harm his brain and make him addicted to that technology  
*In this the essay, you cannot place theory directly. Fine, you elucidate your personal experience about your brother. However, you have to display resource where you got. I suggest you include scientific fact to support your opinion.*  
  
easy to accept information in class when they get the better quality of food.  
*This is out of the topic because you explain that the good diet influences the brain. Please, make you sure that you have met the prompts in this question.*  
  
quote=ifraanisa05] schools give a permission to other people who sell the food around the school without know the quality of the food.[/quote]  
  
Another example, parents give the children food which is bought from the outside but do not cook by themselves  
*The example you gave cannot support your opinion. Focus on your edge of the topic.*  
  
there are many problems  
(Avoid repetition)  
  
*Turning to your conclusion paragraph, keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are supposed to include the suggestion for a few elements to deal with the matter. Apart from that, you should harness linking/ transitive words appropriately. Those can make your essay smoother when it moves from the topic to the other topic.*  
  
I personally believe you can master this skill on condition that you wanna provide much time to practice more and more...  
Happy Writing  
GOOD LUCK  
:D
Hello,  
  
I read your essay and there are some problems to point out:  
-I think, you are out of the topic. In conclusion you're talking about the children's charachter, while you need to discuss the lifestyle.  
  
- ~~much time they spend for it~~ they spend much time on it.  
-*... used the computer (...) played games and watched many videos on youtube.*  
I'd recommend you to use the Present Simple tense.  
-~~There is the reason why~~ This is the reason why  
-food is the direct supply for ~~brain~~ and body.  
  
Good luck,  
Maxim.
Hi Ifra,  
  
- I don't think that you answer the question well since the question talk about why both schools and parents have to be responsible for such an issue, then you answer the reason why children have unhealthy lifestyle. there are also some sentences which out of topic.  
  
- you need to understand the question first before answering it.  
- In your conclusion, you say that 'both schools and parents are responsible for creating the good character of their children in daily life so that they will have a healthy lifestyle'. i think there is no correlation between character and healthy lifestyle so this also out of topic.  
  
- You have a good control in grammar  
Hopefully it helps
Writing Task 1 UNIT 1C PAGE 14  
THE CHART BELOW SHOWS INFORMATION ABOUT THE PROBLEM PEOPLE HAVE WHEN THEY GO TO LIVE IN OTHERS COUNTRIES.  
SUMMARISE THE INFORMATION BY SELECTING AND REPORTING THE MAIN FEATURES,AND MAKE COMPARISONS WHERE RELEVANT.  
  
The chart shows about three kind of problems for citizen who stay at the foreign country based on age in percent. Overall, it can be seen that people in the middle age have the highest percentage of all of kind of arrangement issues than other ages. Besides, finding school for youngster is the lowest for all population.  
  
The first problem is how to economic plan is the second most problem for all inhabitants. Adults at 18-34 years old have it at under 35 percent. The percentage for middle aged people in 35-54 at is above 35 percent and for oldest people is just under 30 percent for this issue.  
  
The greatest problem for all people who stay at new country is how to healthy plan. For people 35-54-years-old, this is a biggest problem at above 35 percent than other aged people. For adults have the problem at under 30 percent and for people over in 55 years old have the problem at above 35 percent. For the last problem is finding schools for young. For old people at 55 years old have the less percentage at above 5 percent than the other people. The percentage young have the problem for find schools at above 5 percent and for old people have problem at under 20 percent.
hello willy,,  
previously, you should attach your picture owing to the fact that other people do not know about your mean.  
  
... on age in percent.  
The first problem is how to economic plan is the second ...[meybe, you should make it clearly==> it difficult to be understood] A  
... have it at under 35 percent. T  
... at is above 35 percent and forthe oldest people is just under 30 percent for this issue.  
... this is ~~a~~the biggest problem at above 35 percent than ...  
... at under 30 percent and (...) at above 35 percent .  
... percentage at above 5 percent than  
... at under 20 percent.  
  
percent==> you have mentioned it in introductory paragraph, so you do not need mention again.
Hello Willy :) Let me give you some corrections :)  
  
Okay Miss Willy, better if next time you should attach your chart :)  
  
The chart shows about three kind of ***citizen*** problems ~~for citizen~~ who stay ~~at the foreign country~~**<em>abroad[/i]** based on ~~age~~~~in percent~~ . Overall, ~~it can be seen that~~**the**<em>[/i] people in the middle age have the highest percentage of all of kind ~~of arrangement~~ issues than other ages. Besides, finding school for youngster is the lowest for all ~~population~~*age periods*.  
  
The first problem is how to economic plan is the second most problem for all inhabitants. *young*adults at 18-34 years old have it at under 35 percent. The percentage for middle aged people in 35-54 at is above 35 percent and for oldest people is just under 30 percent for this issue.  
  
(*The greatest problem for all people who stay at new country is how to healthy plan. For people ~~35-54-years-old~~ with ages range between 35 and 54 years old[/b] , this is a biggest problem at above 35 percent than other aged people. For adults have the problem at under 30 percent and for people over in 55 years old have the problem at above 35 percent. For the last problem is finding schools for young. For old people at 55 years old have the less percentage at above 5 percent than the other people. The percentage young have the problem for find schools at above 5 percent and for old people have problem at under 20 percent.)* > ***I think your last paragraph still not clear especially in your comparison sentences. Keep practices it*** :) GOOD LUCK :)
Hello Willy, i will give you some suggestions:  
1. Be careful preposition using  
  
... the highest percentage ~~of~~for all of kind of ...  
  
The first problemis how to economic plan (...) for all inhabitants may be you can say like this " the first problem is how to economic plan which to be second most problem for all inhabitants".  
  
2. To be (is , am, are) using  
  
... problem for find schools "is " above 5 percent (...) have problem"is" under 20 percent..
Hi Willy,  
  
The chart (make it more specific : bar, line, or pie chart) shows about three kind ...  
... second most problem for all inhabitants(i don't get the meaning of this sentence) .  
  
... all people who stay at a new country is how tohave a health~~y~~ plan.  
... this is ~~a~~the(superlative) biggest problem at ...  
For adults have the problem at under 30 percent (what problem) and for people ...  
  
- For overview, it is better not to explain the least percentage. you can put it in the body paragraph.  
- i think you fail to explain the details since it is unclear what the problem are and which group of people who experience the problem.  
  
- don't explain all the details one by one, do grouping will help you to describe the graph well.  
Hopefully it helps.
**Many children these have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?**  
  
Nowadays, information about unhealthy lifestyle which occur in society especially for children can find anywhere as newspaper, magazine, internet and others. These problems are dangerous for them, unhealthy lifestyle on children can destroy their life, like easy to sick and make disease as diarrhea or obesity. These phenomena can disturb their daily activity as play or socialization with their friends. Unhealthy lifestyle on children is must eliminated and responsible for solving this problem are school and parents.  
  
Schools are place for children to get information about good habits. In the school, teacher teach theirs student about unhealthy life style. Then, give them are remind about anything as well as how to a healthy diet, how to a healthy behavior and a healthy environment. For example, Teacher give task and example how to the dangerous of unhealthy life style for life. It will make them sick and cannot do activities. Besides, in school environment, teachers have responsibility to warn about instant food and the danger of that. So, school is the one factor to solving about unhealthy life for children because it is places of them to study and get knowledge.  
  
On the other hand, parents are place to follow the healthy life style, parents must give a good example, good custom, and prevision before go to school. The behavior of parents will affect for children and have positive effect for their life style. Such as accustomed their children to wash their hand before eat, take a bath twice a day, toothbrush every morning and before sleep. In addition, Parents which give prevision for their children will help their healthy lifestyle, they will not eat instant food on their school and keep healthy, because more clean than food or snack which sale in their school. Parents are the first source of unhealthy life style for their children. If they do not have good behavior as habits, it will make their children have unhealthy life style.  
  
In conclusion, both of school and parents are responsible for solving the problem about unhealthy lifestyle. School is place to get information and parents are place to teach good behavior. (354w)
Hello. actually your essay is good.  
But this is suggestion for you  
  
1. ... disturb their daily *activity* as *play* or *socialization* with their friends.  
  
you can change the sentence  
these phenomenon can disturb their daily activities, such as play or socialize with their friends. Unhealthy lifestyle on children is must eliminate and responsible by their teachers and folks  
  
2. ... source of unhealthy ~~life style~~ for their children. ... it will make their children have unhealthy ~~life style~~ .  
  
you can change the sentence  
Parents are one of sectors that can influence of their children's lifestyle. if the parents [Folks/mother/fathers/guardian] have not ability to manage their children, may children can have bad behavior such as a unhealthy lifestyle.  
  
i hope it helpful  
good luck
1. use advance word : good habits -------------> high rule  
2. use precise word : information about unhealthy lifestyle ~~which occur~~exists in society  
3. be careful with grammatical sentence :  
... must eliminated and who responsible for solving this problem ~~are~~is school and parents.  
4. be careful to use these or not.  
These problems are dangerous for them  
-------> you don't mention problem before this sentence, so tell the problem first.  
5. be careful with plural and singular  
both of school (...) for solving the problems about unhealthy lifestyle
Hi Resky,  
  
- I think you don't answer the task achievement which is given above.  
- You should explain why you agree or disagree  
- i don't find your opinion in the essay, whereas you should put your opinion in introduction or conclusion since the question ask 'do you agree or disagree?'  
  
- You need to check your grammar and some collocation before posting the essay.For example , "..., like easy toget sick and ~~make~~suffer from a disease as diarrhea or obesity."  
  
Hopefully it helps.
*The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries. summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant.*  
  
The bar chart gives information about sort of problems people have when they move into the other countries according to ages. Overall, the biggest problem is for finding the best health care in those countries in 35-54 years old people.  
  
35 percent of people aged 35-54 are having problem on looking for finances while those in 18-34 age group finds it easier which is under 35 percent. Moreover, people in over 55 years old show that only under 30 percent of them find the finances as a problem  
  
Sorting of medical care for people in the middle age is the most problematic which is above 36 percent. The older people find the health care is more difficult than the youngest people which is above 35 percent. The youngest people has the lowest percentage than others which is under 35 percent.  
  
Looking school for the children become the most difficulties for the productive ages which is under 20 percent. People who have 18-34 years old sort the school as a problem in 6 percent. In contrast, almost all of the oldest people have difficulties to find the school for children which is above 2 percent.  
  
*
... about THE sort of problems ...  
they move ~~in~~ to the other countries.  
THE CHART LISTS THE NUMBERS according to ages.  
...problem ~~is for~~ IS RELATED TO finding the best health care ...  
... in those countries FOR THE ~~in~~ 35-54 year~~s~~ old people.  
  
... of people aged 35-54 ~~are having~~ HAVE A problem ~~on~~ looking for finances...  
while those in THE 18-34 age group find~~s~~ it easier ~~which is~~ AT under 35 percent.  
... ~~in~~ over 55 years old show ...  
... 30 percent of them find ~~the~~ finances ~~as~~ a problem  
  
~~Sorting~~ ACQUIRING ~~of~~ medical care for MIDDLE AGED people ~~in the middle age~~ ...  
... ~~which~~ AT ~~is~~ above 36 percent. The older people find ~~the~~ THAT health care is more difficult TO ACQUIRE...  
...youngest people ~~which is~~ AT above 35 percent.  
...people ~~has~~ HAVE the lowest percentage than others ~~which is~~ AT under 35 percent.  
  
Looking FOR A school for the children ~~become~~ IS the most difficult~~ies~~ for the productive ages ~~which is~~ under 20 ... ... People who ~~have~~ ARE 18-34 years old ~~sort the school as a problem in 6 percent~~ REPRESENT 6 PERCENT OF THIS PROBLEM.  
  
...have difficulties ~~to find the school~~ IN FINDING SCHOOLS for children ~~which is~~ AT above 2 percent.
Overall, the biggest problem is for finding the best health care ...  
  
instead of writing a clear overview, you gave a wrong information, so be careful about it. it does not any information about countries in the graph  
  
also you should consider at least 2 main features in the overview so that you can easily develop it in your body paragraph  
=> the problems including finances, healthcare and education services seem to increase when the foreigners are getting older, but the data show a downward trend of problems faced by people aged over 55 years old.  
  
i found that your overview does not match with your body paragraph  
=> you just have to develop the ideas that you have mentioned in the overview
Hi Ifra,  
  
Overall, the biggest problem which people faced when they live abroad is for finding the best health care ~~in those countries~~ in 35-54 years old people.  
  
Moreover, elderly people ~~in over 55 years old~~ show that ~~only~~just under 30 percent ...  
  
... age is the most problematic issue which is above 36 percent.  
... percentage than others ~~which is~~at under 35 percent.  
  
- you explain it well, but it likes 'shopping list'. You explain all the problems one by one. it is better to do grouping so that it will be well organised.  
  
- it is better to make two sentences in the overview.  
- in the first paragraph try to compare the biggest number of all problems.  
Hopefully it helps.
***The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries.***  
  
The bar graph compares three selected difficulties people have when they move to a new country in accordance with age. Overall, it can be seen that healthcare is the main problem from people aged over 35, while the problem of finding their children's schools is the least difficulties for all ages.  
  
The young adults have the most crucial problem with their finances, 34 %. On the other hand, 32 percent of them face sorting out healthcare problem. And the least in finding their children the best study.  
  
Setting their finances for the middle age is the serious problem, because there are 35 percent of them facing it, compared to the elderly just under 30 percent. However, both middle and elder people have the same cases of maintaining their health, each of them which are over a third of people living abroad according both ages. Interestingly, there is a significant difference between persons with 35-54 and over 55 years old in finding the best education for their children, 18 percent and 2 percent respectively.  
  
**(173 words)**  
  
*   
*percentage of problem for living abroad*
Hi Ilham,  
  
Here's my contributions towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. Hope this helps :)  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The bar ~~graph~~chart compares three ~~selected~~types of difficulties that people have when (...) ~~in accordance with age.~~among three distinctive age groups.  
- ...healthcare is the main problem from people aged over 35 (comma is unnecessary) while the problem (...) is the least ~~difficulties~~difficult for all ~~ages~~age groups . (avoid over-generalizing the data that you've explained.)  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- The young adults have the most crucial problem with their finances, at approximately 34% . (no spaces needed when you write a percentage symbol)  
- ~~And~~In addition,**the least in finding their children the best study.**the least percentage comes from people who has problem in finding schools for their children.(Avoid using "and" in the beginning of the sentence. This would make your sentence becomes less formal.)  
  
There you have it Ilham, you are suggested maintain the content of each of your paragraph to be as balanced as possible. You can group the information equally in order to improve the clarity of your essay. Good luck for the next practice :)
hallo Mr. Ibe  
  
it is just like a superb essay, but i would like to give you some suggestions here:  
  
**1. you have written a very good introduction and overview. however, if i were you, i would like to make the overview in more general. this is because it can cover all the main features.**  
  
here is my overview:  
it is generally seen that two age groups under 55 years old are facing crucial problems in finances, healthcare, and finding school for their children. meanwhile, those who are over 55 years old have lower proportion for each difficulty.  
  
**2. in your body paragraphs i cannot find such an excellent cohesion. i suggest you to write your body paragraph by developing two main ideas which have been written in your overview.**
WRITING TASK I (INTEGRATION PROBLEMS FOR PEOPLE LIVING ABROAD)  
  
The bar chart provides information of the difficulties people face when stay in abroad based on ages. Overall, the highest problems of the people includes economic plans, healthcare and education plans for child have been occurred on the young adults periods. Whereas the most problem such as education plans have been the least problem to people in 55 years old and above.  
  
The other side, the problems of financial and healthcare necessity have been the higher priority than education plans for the young adults periods between 18 and 34 years old. However, according to development ages, the people becomes most concerned to all of the problem life includes the priorities of economical plans, healthier life concern and education planning for children. Based on the data, the healthcare concern has been upward trends in over people life time since young adults until elderly periods by 25 percent. At least, these problems could been increased for healthcare priority and had been decreased for finance concern and also education plans for child in the 55 years old or above.  
  
(162 words)  
  
*
Hi Sari,  
Welcome to EF Team! :)  
  
I would like to share my insights towards your report summary of IELTS writing task 1. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The bar chart provides the information ~~of~~about the difficulties people face when ~~stay in~~living abroad based on ~~ages.~~certain age groups.  
- Overall, it can be seen that the highest ~~problems~~problem~~of the~~that people encounter includes economic ~~plans~~ , healthcare and education plans for children~~have been~~is occurred on the young adults ~~periods.~~age group.  
  
- ~~Whereas~~Meanwhile, the most crucial problem such as education plans ~~have been~~is the least problem to people ~~in~~aged 55 ~~years old~~ and above.  
  
By correcting your 1st paragraph, I think that it has already covered the whole feedback because your mistakes are quite similar. Try to proofread the rest of your essay and consider the above-mentioned feedback that I have given to you. I hope this would be helpful for your future practices :)
...information ~~of~~ REGARDING the d... when stayING ~~in~~ abroad based...  
...the people include~~s~~ economic plans, ...  
...educationAL plans for ~~child~~ CHILDREN have been ~~occurred on~~ OCCURRING AMONG the young adults ~~periods~~ . ~~Whereas the most~~ THE BIGGEST problem ~~such as~~ INVOLVING education plans ~~have been~~ ARE the...  
  
...to people ~~in~~ 55 years...  
  
~~The other side,~~ ON THE OTHER HAND,  
... financial and healthcare ~~necessity~~ NECESSITIES have been ~~the~~ A higher ...  
... educationAL plans for ~~the~~ young adults ~~periods~~ between ...  
...ages, ~~the~~ people ~~becomes~~ ARE most concerned ~~to all of the problem life~~ OF PROBLEMS THAT includes ~~the priorities of~~ economical ...  
life concernS and education ...  
Based on the data, the healthcare concern has ~~been~~ HAD AN upward trend~~s in over people life time~~  
~~since~~ AMONG young adults ~~until~~ AND THE elderly ~~periods~~ by 25 ...  
... ~~At least~~ AND LAST, these problems could ~~been~~ increas~~ed~~~~for~~ healthcare...  
... priority and ~~had been decreased for~~ HAS BEEN DECREASING DUE TO ~~finance~~ FINANCIAL concern...  
... also educationAL plans for childREN ~~in the~~ AMONG THOSE 55 years old or above.
hi.  
  
from my point of view, you wrote such a good introduction, but i would like to give you few suggestion here:  
  
... to people in 55 years old and above.  
=> problems of living in the foreign countries are prone to increase from people aged 18-34 years old to those in 35-54 category, but it decreases in over 55 years age group.  
  
it would be better if you have write in 4 paragraph with this following structure:  
1. introduction = paraphrasing question statement  
2. overview = including 2 main features  
3. body 1 = explanation and details from the first main feature  
4. body 2 = explanation and details from the second main feature