dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Clean Water & Air for better health?

  
  
Please give me some suggestions for my article  
  
Topic:  
**The most important way to improve people's health is to clean the environment.**  
  
Some people think the most important way to improve people's health is to clean the environment, but some people insist on the opposite, in the opinion of my I agree with the second view.  
  
First, improve people's health by clean the environment maybe is a good way. Clean the environment can let people have healthy food and fresh air, there are some factory that will produce polluted water that contaminated the environment, if people drink water that had been contaminated, they maybe get sick and have an unhealthy, people maybe feel better when the environment is clean. When you look out the window, you will most likely feel better if you see a green park then a grey factory that was producing waste gases, your body will also get healthier if you feel good. Clean the environment do counting as an away improve people's health.  
  
Second, people's health can get better if the environment is clean, but if you want to clean the environment, it is not an easy task it takes a lot of money. the most important reason that affects people's health is coal, most factory and family use coal as energy source simply because is cheap, but it will produce a lot of waste gas, that affect people's health, the government need to put a lot of money to change energy source without affecting other people's benefit. the government also need money to clean the pollution from the water, it also takes money to do it it will make the city's economy lags behind other cities, the people's living standard will be lower and it will also affect people's health.  
  
Third, there is also a better way to improve people's health. like what I say in my second point it will take so many money to clean the environment, if the government put the money on the free Gym and boost the mass to do more exercises, it will surely make people's health better, for example, I have a friend who has a very weak body, his father tall hem to go to Gym to run on the machine, after half a year, his body get to a good condition, now he is training muscles.  
  
In conclusion, the best way to improve people's health is to set more free Gym instead to clean the environment.
My advices  
Your writing style is very informal. Though i am preparing for IELTS, I think the writing skills required for both ielts n toefl is more or less the same.  
  
Improve your topic related vocabulary.  
  
There are few grammartical mistakes  
"in ~~the opinion of my~~ my opinion"  
Cleaning the environment can ...  
  
It would be better to mention the importance of exercising rather than gyming and then you can writw about gym as an example.
## dealing with trash problem

  
  
Nowadays, people are working on overpopulation problems to improve the quality of life. We may think that decrease population would help us protect the environment and raise up standard of living. However, in many countries, garbage is still increasing and it has serious effect to global climate.  
  
There are many reasons about this issue. Firstly, society develops raising human needs, people will have more demands about their life. Eating and shopping and relaxing become more essential, so people need to diversify everything but not interested about the environment protection problems. Therefore, product diversification is one of the reasons of waste. Secondly, travel becomes easier, new factories grow up, people are busier... So they do not have much time for cooking at home. That is why take-away food or food delivery is very developed, special in Asian countries. Consequently, the amount of plastic waste and rubbish are larger and larger day by day.  
  
We all know that garbage is one of main reasons of environment pollution, and we all have responsibility with this problem. The government should be stricter about waste produced by companies, and have a plan about waste treatment. However, the most important is about human awareness. Children need to be educated about this issue in focus as soon as possible, and every individual should change our life way by learning how to live green and friendly with the environment.  
  
To conclude, this is a very big issue we have to deal with, and action must be taken before it become too late. This problem takes time to be solved completely but if we do nothing, we would have no more chance to live a good life and breathe in a good air.
Let me get it straight for you.  
First, in the introduction part, you should state your general opinion on the topic. The topic is about the increasing of rubbish, so just write about it. You can start with " *Recently, the amount of trash has been gone up rapidly in many parts of the Earth*". The general causes and solutions of the problem should be stated by two sentences following the first one. Pay attention **NOT TO COPY** the words that given in the question.  
  
Secondly, the length of the body parts should be approximately equal. You wrote the first one quite much longer than the other. The cause and solution is in equality, which means their supporting sentences must be equal as well. Moreover, you had better use academic words and take better care of expression. Instead of saying " ~~*There are many reasons*...~~" , you should show them out directly. Instead of saying ~~*"We all know"*~~, you should get it straight by saying *It is clear that...* Everything need to be evident and easy to comprehend.  
  
The final issue is your conclusion. *"This is"* what? Why don't you just simply say it out. Since it is the conclusion, the first thing to write is the conclusive sentence. Get all of your above sentences into this one, short and clear. For further writing, you could also give a suggestion like " *I suggest we should take action together in order to cope with the problem more effectively*  
  
That's all. We all are learners, so I would be grateful if we can absorb new lessons together. Peace and love!
My advices-  
1. Your introduction part is little deviated from the topic...your opening sentence is focusing on overpopulation. It should be about wastes that human produce and then you may write that it is due to overpopulation.  
  
2. Your solutions should match the problems  
For example, you mentioned about plastics so in your solution para you can mention how to avoid plastic n use a material thats bio-degradable.  
  
3. Few grammartical mistakes. For instance  
serious effect on global climate  
However, you instead of saying serious effect, you may say it has grave consequences or it has severe impact.
## Pros and Cons of Teens Working

  
  
In my opinion, a great number of people forbid their children to have a part-time job when they are studying at school. They think is bad for children.  
  
First of all, people think that children have to focus on their academy and at that time studying is the most important thing to them. If they go to work, they may neglect their homework and get a bad grade. Even, they will give up going to school.  
  
In my experience, when I was a high school student, I didn't have a part-time job. Therefore, after school, I always did my homework and prepared for the test. At school, I could focus on the lessons and also got great a grade on an exam. However, I had a classmate who always slept on in classes and seldom done his homework. At first, I thought he must be a bad student and played all the time. Suddenly, I found that he had a part-time job every day and also on weekends. Because of the job, he didn't have too much to sleep and study. When I asked him why he could not study hard now and then he could get more money in the future. He told me that his family needed a lot of money so he had to do this.  
  
According to this experience, although many people think having a job will affect students' homework, some children have to earn money. Otherwise, they do not have money to live and finish studying. Nevertheless, there are still some advantages. If you go to work, you would understand how the world is and perhaps find what you really want to do. At that time, you will know more and more people who you never meet at school. Perhaps, they will help you someday. That's why my college professors always call us to find some internship.  
  
Above all, we know that having a job may increase our working experience, earning money and make some friends. However, it may affect to students' homework.  
  
*
I think your essay would improve if you elaborate more on the introduction. Briefly discussing the subject before saying what you think about it helps the reader get a grasp on what the topic is about. After doing that I think it would be useful if you clearly state what you think about the subject: do you agree or disagree with the statement? Finally, after you stated your opinion, you should give the title for the arguments you are about to describe in the following paragraphs. In doing so, the reader gets a good idea on what to expect for the whole essay.  
  
Also, in the conclusion you can win easy points by doing a brief summary of the reasons provided, giving a better structure to the essay.  
  
Hope it helps.
@joanne1203  
**I suggest rephrasing your first paragraph to answer more directly to the question.** The phrasing of the question is asking you to elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers acquiring jobs; it is not particularly asking for a specific opinion on people who forbid their children to have part-time jobs.  
  
If I were to revise this, I could say something like:  
*There has been a growing debate on whether teenagers should or should not partake in part-time jobs while they are studying. There are pros and cons to this that will be elaborated in the essay.*  
  
Notice how instead of pointing attention to the fact that there are parents who forbid children from taking jobs, I have chosen to discuss that *there benefits and disadvantages to the situation at-hand*. While the point you have made is legitimate, it does not necessarily address what is asked for in the question. A simple rebranding and revising can help you immensely.  
  
When you're writing your essay, always have that end-goal in mind that you are writing for the sake of answering the question; therefore, this only warrants that you pay close attention to details.  
  
I have also noticed that you have a tendency to construct complex and quite honestly baffling sentence structures. Evade this at all costs, especially if you are writing for a test. This can help you create a better flow for your essay.  
  
Let's take a look at your second paragraph. What I would have done here instead is:  
*Firstly, when children are young, it is advised that they focus on their academics. This is a period of time that they should devote most of their attention to studying. If they choose to work part-time, they may neglect to finish their homework. This can eventually lead to bad grades, harming potentially their long-run school career.*  
  
Notice how I had divided my sentences into smaller chunks of thoughts. Notice how I had also clarified my language through articulating in the most logical manner possible. You should always follow a rhythm when you are writing. Make sure that you make it clear to the readers why this particular thought would lead to this other thought eventually. Having this grasp over language can exponentially help you.  
  
In terms of the technical portions, you should be wary of your usage of verbs (forms-wise). There were instances wherein you did not follow the conventions of grammar in subject-verb agreements.  
  
This is noticeable in your third paragraph. Let's look at the fourth sentence in here. I could rephrase it as:  
*I had a classmate who slept always in classes and seldom did his homework.*  
  
**These mistakes may be minute, but the technical criteria when you are writing for tests is crucial and may make or break your entire standing.**  
  
**I would also suggest that you try to extend your conclusion.** Because of the word count, I would only suggest that you try to keep minimum your story-telling in the second paragraph to devote more of your space into adding substance to the last portions of the essay.  
  
Best of luck.
## The pros and cons of eating in restaurants

  
  
Nowadays, many people enjoy going out to eat. It is said that this way of eating has both pros and contrast. The pros is its convenience and new atmosphere, the contrast is unhealthiness and high price.  
  
If you are not good at cooking or do not have time, eating out will be an easier choice to get a meal. Cooking includes many steps, which takes much time. When you eat outside, the restaurant would serve you within some minutes. Moreover, eating out is a good occasion to change your view. Eating places often offer great view, so you could try new sight rather than your old kitchen.  
  
Oppositely, eating out could be risky and expensive. First, you do not know where the food comes from. It may be withered vegetables, spoiled meat tasting good thanks to the chemical seasoning. These dishes are harmful for your health and eventually cause death . Second, eating out is pricey. Since there are many people working at restaurants who need to be paid, it costs much more than buying the ingredients and making meals at home.  
  
In short, eating out save your time and offer beautiful view, but it could be unsafe and costly. I suggest learning to cook to enjoy your meal in the best way.
**You should always ensure that you are using words in the correct manner, especially when you are using them as pairs**. A good example of this would be the usage of pros and cons; both of these words are almost always seen together, especially when you are talking about comparative essays.  
  
While your essay does have a general structure, it still does not follow through with general conventions. What I mean by this is that you had grammatical slip-ups that had a negative impact in the overall appeal of the writing.  
  
Let's take a look at your first paragraph and deconstruct it.  
  
I would revise this as:  
*There is a growing amount of people who prefer dining out. While this trend is generally accepted, it has its pros and cons. Briefly, its pros could include the fact that it provides convenience and a new atmosphere. Conversely, it does have risks including potential unhealthiness and high prices.*  
  
Notice how I had structured it as:  
**[general overview of the situation] *->* [what is to be discussed in the essay] *->* [a balanced, brief overview of what will be tackled in the next paragraphs]**  
  
Doing this formatting for your essay can enhance the introduction because it provides a structured alternative rather than juggling with thoughts and needing to be repetitive with your language.  
  
**I do appreciate what you currently have in your essay.** I like how you substantiated you arguments in the succeeding paragraphs. The only thing left is to ensure that you use more formal language (ie. in your third paragraph, it should start out with conversely instead of oppositely for formality purposes) and make sure that you follow a particular flow.  
  
Best of luck.
## Water: A Limited Resource?

  
  
Fresh water has always been a limited resource in some parts of the world. Today, however, growing worldwide demand has made this a global problem.  
  
What are the causes of the increased demand and what measure could governments and individuals take to respond to this problem?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
Write at least 250 words.  
  
It is known that several areas in the world could not have adequately amount of water for standard living requirement. This situation becomes more critical nowadays, when the population increases and needs more fresh water, which followed by the impaction from human activities. In order to have good solution to settle this disaster down in all countries, not only the political leaders but also every person has to come up with suitable countermeasures to preventing this problem from any further worsening.  
  
Firstly, one of the reasons is the explosion of global population, especially in the developing countries in some parts of Asia and majority of Africa, where also are having a huge amount of people cannot access to fresh water sources. Moreover, as the population is increasing, more people lose their consciousness of keeping the water clean and fresh as rubbish and usage trash are spilled into any nearby water supply; therefore, people can access to even less amount of fresh water than they are used to. Finally, as in many countries around the world where fresh water is rich and widely access, people do not realize how vulnerable it is, as a result, they waste a huge amount of fresh water during daily household usage.  
  
Even though this issue is already globalized, every nation needs to authorize on their country by coming up with some strategies, in order to prevent this issue becomes any worse in the future. One of the solutions the government can make is releasing a legislation that states the legally acceptable number of kids one family can have and also states a severe fine for any spilled trash into any fresh water sources. For every individual in the world to take responsibility on this problem, people should reduce any possible chances of wasting water and have a good measure on amount of water they use each time in daily life. Also, any decisions that will pollute the water supply must be considered and refrained.  
  
In conclusion, limitation of fresh water around the world has become a huge global issue since the factors from population expansion and unconscious human activities. Therefore, it leads to international's authority on preventing this problem becomes any worse in the future, who are both the nations' governments and each individual in the world.
@ZeldaDoan  
In terms of content, I can see how you have substantiated your key points fluidly. The readers would definitely appreciate how you have managed to do this. I do have a couple of recommendations that I think would benefit your essay when it comes to the technicalities (*grammar, composition, structure*) of your essay. **While you have sufficient grasp of the English language, the structure can be quite baffling at times.**  
  
**I recommend that you try to evade using sentence structures that are quite lengthy.** This is especially when you have two to three clauses crammed into a single sentence. Not only is this dragging to consume for the readers, but it also creates a distance between the meaning and the tone of your essay. To make your essays more concise, stick to using straightforward language and words. Doing this can enhance your essay's composition by a mile.  
  
Let's take your second paragraph as an example. I would revise the first line as:  
*Firstly, there is a need to have an in-depth discussion about the surge of global population. In developing Asian and African countries, a good percentage of the people do not have access to fresh water.*  
  
Notice how I had done three key things here. Firstly, I ensured that I divided your sentence into two separate ones to make the utterance and flow better. Secondly, I had also shifted the phrasing from developing countries in some parts of Asia and majority of Africa into simply developing Asian and African countries. This can help you create more concise language, *eliminating unnecessary fractions of the text*. Thirdly, I had also tried to use more formal phrases to give your text leverage. For instance, I mentioned a good percentage instead of a huge amount. While the latter is acceptable, the former appears to be *more academically tuned.*  
  
I recommend that you try to structure your composition this way; and you will be able to relay your message and meaning clearer to the readers.  
  
Best of luck.
## advertisements influence on buyers

  
  
**Today, the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree**?  
  
In this digital world, advertisement is becoming increasingly popular and persuasive. Some people highlight that an impressive sale of an commodity is directly proportional to the way it is advertised, regardless of its utility. In my opinion, I partially disagree that advertisement always urge people to buy products that they may not need, although it has a very powerful impact on them.  
  
Advertisements are benefial for any business as it promote their products in various forms. However, not all the products advertised are required by mankind. For instance, "diet coke" is not only an unneccesary beverage but also hazardous to health. In addition, It has been found to effect cardiovascular system and may cause hypertension following continuous long-term use. Although it has many drawbacks, the sale of diet coke is sky-rocketing ever since it has been endorsed by a famous cricketer.  
  
On the other hand, few people believe that advertisements help boost the economic growth of a country by encouraging more buying. Furthermore, an experienced men would not fall prey to an attractively advertised. but otherwise, irrelevant product. Also, buying goods also depends on the financial status of an individual. For example, a person who is struggling to make both ends meet would not be tempted to buy any random product which has been advertised manipulatively. Lastly, not all the advertisements broadcast needless goods.  
  
In conclusion, there are few individuals who purchase anything they find trendy on an advertisement. However, a mature person is unlikely to be enticed by such eye-catching advertisements, especially if he is under budget constraints.  
  
Kindly review and give an approximate band score
@Jipsa Jadwani  
**The content of your essay deviates a little bit from what is being asked for in the question.** The question was not necessarily asking if people still would still buy highly advertised products regardless of the consequences; the question was asking if high sales would be a tangible measure of advertising. Notice how the former focuses on the consumer's attitude, whereas the latter focuses on a sales perspective to the issue. You had accommodated to the former, however you were not answering to the latter (which should be the core topic of the essay).  
  
Taking this into consideration, I do believe that you should focus on enhancing the content of your essay in accordance. Your second paragraph, for instance, focused on how certain advertised goods are harmful for mankind. **What you could have done here is tackle why companies still advertise these goods regardless of their negative impact to society.** You could go in-depth in the topic of how profit-oriented these companies are, taking advantage of people's wants over fueling the greater good. Having a sense of direction in your essay is pivotal when you're writing - keep this in mind.  
  
Furthermore, your third paragraph had potential but was not able to fully optimize its own content. Your direction in writing was alright when it came to tackling how advertisements manipulate people. You should discuss more about this. Perhaps you can give an *example of instances wherein people have fallen into debt because of how advertisements prey on people's insecurities to gain profit.*  
  
I recommend that you revise the essay to have more direction in answering the question given to you.  
  
Best of luck.