dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Dedy, Good Evening. I will try to give some suggestions. Here there are :  
  
*....was which has..*.**-->****it should be:**who had  
  
*... its increasing from (...) to 13.2% in 2006 respectively.***-->****If you want to using "respectively", your sentence should be:**From 1981 to 2006, none and two children categories also followed this trend at 8,5%, 15,19%, 7,6%, 13,2% respectively.  
  
*Women who has three children was 27.4% ...***-->**it is better if you write : Women who had three children started at 27.4% in 1981. However in the next 15 years, it was decrease at 21,5%.  
  
Hope it can help you. Break a leg!!
Hello Mister Dedy..  
  
I have read your writing. In this moment, I will get an attempt to review your contents, not focusing on your grammar. Please, meet my note and deal with them.  
  
Actually, you have tried to present the overview. However, it could bring clear information. You have only written three categories whereas you have to show informative overview. Apart from that, you are supposed to convert the data to real activity. I mean you can describe the meaning of the data given. For example, you can write that THE RATE OF FEMALE FERTILITY FOR THE GROUP OF 40-44 YEARS OLD WOMEN HAD DECLINED. Based on the band descriptors, to obtain the score more than 6, you should present a clear of main trends. You cannot directly say the data increases or declines. There you need an analyze. I believe you can improve that in next term.  
  
Turning to the body paragraph, you have passed one of essential prompts in the writing task1. You don't forget that your job in this writing is to compare the figures, not to describe the data separately. It is not gonna seem the attractive explanation. The sense of comparisons is supposed to present in the writing task 1 because the examiner wants to recognize your ability in the analyze. Besides that, you have to distinguish between the conjunction and linking words. While is a conjunction, and meanwhile is the linking word. There is frankly the linking word, but you wrote the conjunction. Provide more time to learn the matter.  
  
Hopefully, these can help you to master this skill. To improve your writing, you should review more example of writing task 1 and practice more and more.  
  
Overall, it is a good job.  
Happy writing  
Good LUck
**The graph shows data about the annual earnings of three bakeries in London, 2000-2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
Answer:  
  
The number of three bread factories' incomes yearly in London is depicted in line chart between 2000 and 2010. It can clearly be seen that the profit of Bernie's Buns and Robbie' Bakery increased gradually, while Lovely Loaves dropped dramatically in the end of the given time frame.  
  
To begin with, the revenue of Bernie's Buns and Robbie's Bakery followed a fairly similar pattern, grew steadily throughout the given frame. The former remained stable at below $60,000 from 2000 to 2005. Then, the figure experienced a steep rise over the next 5 years, and peaked at above $80,000 in 2010. The latter began at $20,000 in the beginning of figure, and reached a peak of above $60,000.  
  
On the other hand, with the exception a slight rise during a ten-year period, the profit of Lovely Loaves was expected to decline. Although, it went down at $40,000 in the last period, it peaked at $90,000 in 2001 and 2004.  
  
To conclude, two out of three Bakeries rose gradually in their profit, whereas the rest dropped dramatically over the decade.
@PJmustbebetter  
*To conclude, two out of three Bakeries rose ...*  
To conclude, profits for two out of three Bakeries rose gradually, whereas for the third one it declined substantially over the decade.  
  
I don't think that bakeries can rise in profit, rather their profits will rise. Try also to use different words from those used in the first paragraph, i.e. declined instead of dropped, substantially instead of dramatically. In overall, the essay is strong, as per my experience, would be rated in between 7.0 and 8.0.
**By punishing murderers with the death penalty, society is also guilt of committing murder. Therefore, life in prison is a better punishment for murderers.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
## Crime Killing Laws

  
  
Regardless of admitting that crime and punishment represent a hurdle for society. One cannot but take side completely with the point that criminals who commit homicides should be executed rather than spending a lifetime sentence in jail. Thus, Identifying, and looking at the relationship quality that can be achieved by applying such a policy is to be pivotal of our discussion.  
  
To begin with, criminals killing people deserve an exceptional punishment that can be recognized by the community as a deterring model for anyone thinks about committing the same crime, thus, with implementing a death penalty against those, we alert everyone that such kind of behavior will not be easily tolerated. Furthermore, the victim friends and family will be relieved and curb thinking about revenge, for instance, it has been scientifically proven that family of the assassinated victim will be irritated and seeking a revenge from criminal if they know that he still alive, even if he spent a long time in jail.  
  
Another point that, executing the homicide criminals will benefit the economy by cutting the expenses required to be spent on his cost of living in jail, because it is a wasted money without any profit, instead we put an extra pressure on community without outcomes, and by implementing such sentence we give chance for government expenditure to be assigned to an urging field, such as, healthcare and education.  
  
To sum up, arguing amongst people concerning about killing crimes and its suitable punishment, makes it totally crucial to identify the positive ramifications of executing such criminals. Therefore, regulating such a matter is to be the top priority taken by officials and authorities.
*...deterring model for anyone WHO thinks about committing...  
...Furthermore, the VICTIMS' friends and FAMILIES will be relieved and WILL curb THOUGHTS about revenge...  
...will be irritated and seeking ~~A~~ revenge from THE criminal if they know that he IS still alive...  
...Another point IS that, executing ~~the~~ homicide criminals will (...) be spent on THEIR cost of living in jail, because it is ~~a~~ wasted money ...*  
  
You're welcome!
Hi Ahmed,  
  
I think the 3rd paragraph in your essay is out of the scope of your prompt. The prompt is asking do you agree or disagree with *"life in prison is a better punishment for murderers"* in terms of *"punishing murderers with the death penalty, society is also guilt of committing murder ".*  
  
If life in prison is a better punishment then these people have the right to have their expenses be covered in the jail...I  
f, on the other hand, life in prison is NOT a better punishment then executing these people should be based on their crime not based on the burden of their expenses on the government, so they again have the right to have their expenses be covered in the jail. So, in both cases, this should be out of the discussion.
@ngokhoa99  
thanks a lot@mualla  
You got a point  
I think I could add a third paragraph stating "why society are not guilty?  
Nevertheless, giving the proper punishment for killers, the society is not guilty to commit any crimes because it is the right response for such an offense, and no one has the right to judge it if the law system is well-maintained and transparent. In other words, as long as there are rules and regulations, everyone should follow it and accept any consequences, without blaming anyone but himself.  
  
To sum up, arguing amongst people concerning about killing crimes and its suitable punishment, makes it totally crucial to identify the positive ramifications of executing such criminals without blaming society. Therefore, regulating such a matter is to be the top priority taken by officials and authorities.
The table gives information about the birth rate from Australian women aged 40-44 in the quarter century. It can be seen that the first three groups had an increasing trend on the number of the birth rate, in spite of the last two groups had a decreasing trend at the number of birth rate during the period.  
  
In 1981, the Australian women aged 40-44 years old who has no children was 8.5 %, and this percentage increased slightly to 9.7 % in 1986. And for the next 10 years the percentage growth to 15.9 %. Similar with the Australian women in the same age group who has one child, was 8.5 % in 1981 and it increased slightly at 8.7 % in 1986, and for the next 10 years it reached 13.2 % of birth rate. Another similarity was the Australian woman in the same age group who has two children increased steadily from 29.0 % in 1981 to 35.6 % in 1986 and for the next 20 years the birth rate increased gradually at 38.3 %.  
  
In contrast to this information, the Australian women age 40-44 years old who has three children and four children and more had decreasing trend on the number of birth rate. In 1981, the number of birth rate from the women who has three children was 27.4 % and then knocked down to 21.5 % in 2006. Nevertheless, the number of birth rate from the women who has four children and more was 27.6 % in 1981 and experienced dramatically decrease to 11% in 2006.  
  
*
The line graph illustrates the amount of 4 types of meat (Chicken, Beef, Lamb and Fish) which were consumed over 25 years between 1979 and 2004.  
  
Overall, the consumption of chicken increased sharply over the period given, while the consumption of beef, lamb and fish experienced a downward trend. At the start of the period, beef was the most popular meet. However, chicken became the most widely eaten meet in the final years.  
  
With regards to the amount of beef consumed, it began at around 220 grams and then peaked at just under 250 grams in 1984 before falling dramatically to about 100 grams in the last year. Likewise, approximately 140 grams of chicken was eaten in the first year. In 1989, the consumption of chicken exceeded the consumption of beef after which it reached a high of 250 grams in 2004.  
  
On the other hand, the consumption of lamb was slightly more than the consumption of beef in the first year. The figure was 150 grams. Nevertheless, it showed a steady but significant decrease in the following years and was only about 60 grams in 2004. When compared with the other 3 types of meat, fish was the least popular. In 1979, 60 grams of fish was consumed weekly per person. The figure decreased steadily to just under 50 grams in 2004. It was 5 times less than the consumption of chicken.
This is pretty solid writing. There's just one thing I'd like to point out.  
*while the consumption of beef, lamb and fish experienced a downward trend. A*  
The consumption can't "experience". It is not capable of thinking and emotions. When you use the verb "experience", use it with groups of people or countries. For example: the Americans experienced a downward trend in the consumption of beef.  
  
Also, the first paragraph, the word is "meat", not "meet".
The pie charts give information in terms of the changes in spending by local authorities in some land in three different years (1980, 1990 and 2000). It can be seen from the charts that the higher education was the largest cost of local authorities, while transport and environmental service experienced increasing and there were gradual reducing in K-12 education and human resources.  
  
In all of the three years, the largest expenditure was higher education which reached 40% in its percentage in the last period. But both of transport and environmental experienced a drop from 25% in the first period to become 18% in the last of the period.  
  
On the other hand, outcome on K-12 education and health and human resources experienced slight reducing. K-12 eduction marked 25% in 1980 and then dropped down to 18% in 2000 and in health and human resources also showed slight reducing from 14% in 1980 to 10% in 2000, even though experienced an increasing in 1990 with marked 20% in its percentage.  
  
*
...cost of local authorities~~, while transport~~. Transport and environmental service experienced increasing spending~~and~~, while there were gradual ~~reducing~~reductions in spending in K-12 education ...  
  
... percentage in the last period~~. But both of~~, while both transport and environmental (...) period to ~~become~~ 18% in the last ~~of the~~ period.  
  
~~On the other hand, outcome on~~ K-12 education ~~and~~(comma) health and human resources experienced slight ~~reducing~~, as well .  
  
~~K-12 eduction marked 25% in 1980 ...~~  
K-12 education made up 25% of spending in 1980,. but dropped down to just 18% in 200. Health and Human resources also followed this trend, having its spending reduce from 14% in 1980 to just 10% in 2000.  
  
~~... in 1990 with marked 20% in its percentage.~~  
Not sure what you mean here.  
  
Hope that helps.
**The bar chart shows the participation of children in selected leisure activities in Australia**  
  
A breakdown of the proportion of several leisure activities taken a part by both male and female children in Australia is presented in the bar chart. Overall, it is immediately apparent that both sexes favor watching TV as their choices to kill their spare time.  
  
Comparing the preference of both gender, male children dominated almost leisure activities. In electric computer, with just over four fifths, boys occupy the first place while this only accounts for 60% for woman. Likewise, this trend occurs in both bike riding and skate boarding in which the domination by around 10-15% is still shown by the boys. A different trend, on the other hand, witnesses in the figure for art and craft when females overpower man at 60% and 40% respectively.  
  
When it comes to internal comparison, it is noticeable that there are three figures showing same proportion in males (bike riding, electronic and art& craft) while in females, this only occurs in both skate boarding and art & craft.  
  
*
"A breakdown of the proportion of several ..."  
A breakdown of several leisure activities taken by both male and female children in Australia is presented in the bar chart  
  
Comparing the preference of both ...  
Not sure what you mean here.  
  
In electric computer, with just over four fifths, [...] shown by the boys.  
Just over four fifths of boys take part in electronic computer games, while only 60% girls do. Likewise, this trend of boys having 10-15% greater participation rates than girls applies to other activities as well, such as bike riding and skate boarding.  
  
A different trend, (...) at 60% and 40% respectively.  
The aforementioned trend is reversed, however, when analyzing arts and crafts, where girls participate more than boys, 60% to 40%, respectively.
The Pie charts represents the precentages of changes in the annual dependent such as Higher Education, Transportation, Environmental Services, K-12, Health and Human Resources and Others by local government in several lands between 1980, 1990, and 2000. All in all, higher education was the highest precentage from start point until the last period. However, others in the following years significantly decline.  
  
In 1980 until 1990, higher education was the highest precentage from 35% to 45% and at 2000 decreased became 40%. Transportation in 1980 was 16% and decreased became 6% in 1990, but in the end period was increase became 22%.  
  
Every periods, environmental services always increased respectively from 4%, 5%, to 9%. K-12 Education had a decrease trends in every years, from 25%, 20%, to 18%. Health and Human Resource had a some trends with higher education that increased in the middle years from 14% to 20% and decreased at the end period became 10%. In 1980, others was 6% and the following years decreased from 4% to 1%.
Hello Hana  
I have some advice for you :  
  
- The Pie charts represent~~s~~ the precentages (...) such as ~~Higher Education, ...~~(higher education, transportation, environmental services, K-12, health and human resources and others) by local government ...  
  
( I suggest you to pay attention about "Subject Verb Agreement" and you should not write all of the sections by capital letter in the first letter)  
  
- All in all, higher education was the highest precentage from start point until the last period. However, others in the following years significantly decline.  
( from the pie charts we can see that not only higher education which experienced increasing, but also transportation and enviromental service experienced it as well )
The pie charts describes the mount's conversion of local authorities' budget in different lands in 1980, 1990 and 2000. It is noticable that the biggest investment was on the education in the three years and it was nearly a third 1980, just under a half in 1990 and around a half in 2000. While, the K-12 had a different number of investment, it decreased slightly from quarter in 1980 to a small minority in 2000.  
  
The investment on health and human resources had a steady increase from almost quarter in 1990 to a small minority in the 2000. Nevertheless, the investment on transportation was diferrent with that mount which decreased to a small minority in 1990, and then growth significantly to almost a quarter in 2000.  
  
Compare to the investment in enviromental services, it rose from a significant minority to a small minority, in 2000. Then for other invesments were dramatically decrease in every decade from 6 % to 1 % in 2000.  
  
*
**Writing IELTS TASK 1 the title of spending by local authorities in several lands**  
  
The pie charts display that the experts some of fields which changed per decade in 1980, 1990, and 2000. It is clear that the percentage of higher education, and health and human resources were the biggest proportion in every decade. While, the percentage of other fields were increasingly and decreasingly trend in every decade.  
  
In 1980, the percentage of higher education was nearly a third and it was increasingly becoming 45% in 1990, then it was decreasingly trend 40% in 2000. The health and human resources were increasingly trend 14% in 1980 and it increased significantly 20% in 1990, then it decreased 10% in 2000. And, the percentage of transportation 16% in 1980 and it plunged slightly in 1990 then it was increasingly trend 22%.  
  
On the other hand, the percentage of K-12 education was 25% in 1980 and it decreased 20% in 1990, then it was also decreasingly trend 18%. The percentage of other was 6% in 1980, then it was decreasingly trend 4% in 1990 and 1% in 2000. While, the environmental services were 4% in 1980 and it increased 5% in 1990, then it was decreasingly trend 1% in 2000.
Good evening Mr. Dayat, I will try to correction for you  
  
... experts some of **the** fields which ...  
the correction some of fields need articles "the"  
  
... it was decreasingly trend**ing** 40% in 2000.  
was/were increasingly trend must be was/were increasingly trending. because verb "trend" does not work with was/were.  
  
I hope it will help you Mr. Dayat..
A comparison of the information about the annual expenses by local bureaucracy in several lands between 1980 and 2000 is illustrated in the pie charts and is measured by percent. Overall, higher education always the biggest portions in every decade. However, K-12 education always declines until the end of periods.  
  
During two decades, higher education increased 10% from 35% to 45%. But, at the end of the decade, it decreased 5% and became 40%. The percentages of K-12 education slowly decreased from 25% to 18% in 2000. Expenses of environmental services were rose 1% in the first 10 years from 4% to 5% and rose again 4% in the second 10 years from 5% to 9%.  
  
Expenses for the transportation went down in 1990 as much as 10% and climbed in 2000 reached 22%. Different from transportation, expenses for health and human resources increased in the first decade of 14% to 20%. However, in the last decade health and human resources was decline to 10%.  
  
*
Hallo Mr.Citra, Good night, i have some corrections for you.  
  
Expenses of environmental services ~~were~~ rose 1% in the first ...  
The correction is (Expenses of environmental services rose 1% in the first 10 years from 4% to 5% and rose again 4% in the second 10 years from 5% to 9%)  
  
... and human resources ~~was~~ decline to 10%.  
The correction is (However, in the last decade health and human resources declined to 10%)
Please rate my writing, thank you!  
  
**Topic: Whoever controls the media also controls opinions and attitudes of the people and there is little can be done to rectify this.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Some people argue that whoever have power over the media could manipulate people's thoughts or feelings, and efforts made to correct this would mostly be in vain. While I agree that being able to alter the media bring enormous authority, I do not agree that this problem can not be put right.  
  
On the one hand, in this era of information when most people follow the mass media to get information, one who directs it certainly have great influence. They can have ultimate control over what is published or broadcasted and what is omitted. Moreover, they can also add a certain prejudice or bias to their coverage of certain news stories depending on their own feelings about the matter. For example, often in war, the winning party seizes media, re-writes history and sugar-coats it. Similar behavior can also be observed in cases when big companies try to defeat their opponents through propagandas in mass media.  
  
However, I disagree with the idea that we can not manage this problem. In most countries, the media industry is regulated by laws. For example, the Freedom of speech, recognized in international and regional human right laws, prohibits censorship of belief, opinion, truth or fact. Additionally, people themselves can point out faulty information. An increasing rate of bias media breeds public skepticism, people know that they have to take what they read with a grain of salt and raise their voices when confronted by media dictatorship. Often on the Internet, for example, we can see blogs which counter-attack falsifies on the press or broadcasting channels.  
  
In conclusion, although one could have important privileges to influence public opinions from media control, I believe people are aware of those effects and have measures to resolve this problem.