dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## study at home or attending college / university?

  
  
*Topic: Many people use distance-learning programmes (study material post,TV,internet...)to study at home. But some people think that it cannot bring the benefit as much as attending college or university. Do you agree or disagree?*  
  
Essay:  
  
In the light of technological advancements, it is widely acknowledged that human's needs about learning has radically changed over the past few decades. One of the most remarkable developments has been the way distance learning used commonly. However, many people argue that this method can not gain the same advantages as the traditional form of university education. In my opinion, I believe that distance learning bring more drawbacks than benefits.  
  
On the positive side, without any doubt, distance learning requires the saving of both time and money aspects for not only teacher but also learners. The time studying is actually flexible which means that students could learn any time allowed and wherever. Take the recent days as an example, although students have had to be absent from schools because of the outbreak of Covid-19 virus, many schools has tended to make their students study online through social networks.  
  
On the other hand, I firmly believe that distance learning breakthroughs have had an adverse bearing on the way students study. First and foremost, students who are lack of self-control would feel unmotivated for learning. Besides, at universities, they could interact with their peers and their mentors, which leaves no chance for such kind of problem to occur. Moreover, distance learning is likely to divert students' attention from their study. Students would be distracted by online games and other respects, which may result in falling behind their peers or bad habits.  
  
In conclusion, it is undeniable about the influence of distance learning on education. However, in my opinion, it could never replace such benefits attending colleges brings.
**WARNING ! STUDENTS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SCORE ESSAYS !!! STUDENT SCORING = SUSPENSION !!!**  
  
Oops! You almost had the perfect prompt paraphrase. You got the creative restatement of the topic and reason for the discussion properly paraphrased, though not grammatically perfect. The problem, is that you failed to respond properly to the question being asked in the original prompt:  
  
*The Question: Do you agree or disagree?  
Your Response: In my opinion, I believe that distance learning bring more drawbacks than benefits.*  
  
Drawbacks than benefits? Where did that come from? There was no reference to such a question in the prompt presentation. A simple agree/ disagree response would have sufficed. Based on your explanation, it appears to me that you might have responded to the question in the following manner:  
  
*I agree with the latter statement due to some personal considerations that I will be happy to present in this discussion.*  
  
From that point, all you had to do was present 2 reasons as to why your support of the lacking benefits when compared to a university education. Each reason should have been in 2 separate paragraphs. That would have shown a strong support for your position and also given a sense of coherence and cohesiveness to your discussion. Instead, you chose to do a comparative essay discussion.  
  
The comparative essay discussion is not what is required in this essay. The strongest reasoning essay always manages to punch holes into the discussion of the opposing side. All without having to do a comparative discussion as you did in this essay. Right now, all of your paragraphs have under developed reasons and explanations. You focused on giving reasons, but not on explaining the reasons, which further weakened your discussion presentation.
**IELTS Task 2**  
## governments should spend much money on railways than roads.

  
***To extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?***  
  
There are a variety of perspectives concerning the whether governments should pay much for construction of railways instead of that of roads in the regions of the world. In my opinion, however, I would say that I completely support the view that governments must pay much attention and finance on railways. In the following, I would point out the reasons why I said as above mentioned.  
  
Firstly, railways is a kind of transportation that is much steadier and safer than cars, scooters and so on. Railways owns itself departure and arrival schedule, except unpredictable disaster occur, generally, it would transport people to the place where they want to go on time. For example, people who are travelling to another city are able to make much clearer detail to plan their timetable according to the easy-getting railways schedule. Secondly, it is much convenient for those who unwilling to drive their own cars to take railways to other places. Most of railways stations are located around city center or the place which own good public transportation. That is, citizens are able to reach stations easily and moving to wherever as their mind. For instance, before travelling to other city, people may concerning the crowed and lacked of parking space. Therefore, they might decide to choose railways as transportation way to other places, instead of driving their cars.  
  
All in all, it is hard to figure out that which kind of transportation way is much better, not to mention to tackle it in the near future. However, I would like to restate my point that governments are ought to spend much money on railways, in terms of its stable and convenient.
Hi. I think that you have clearly introduced your position in the first paragraph, but there are some problems related to your use of words, which made the sentences quite complicating to understand. I also think that for now, it is fine to use some templates for writing the introduction but in general, I think it can be quite disadvantageous when you progress further so maybe try to produce your own version next time :).  
  
Looking further, I find it hard to understand the first point, which is "railways is much safer and steadier than cars". You mentioned "unpredictable disaster" here and this means it is not that safe to be called "much safer", unless the number of railway accidents is much lower than cars. Therefore, I can say this idea has been overgeneralized and should be revised. Your second argument is not strong either, since you overgeneralize again by saying "Most of railways stations are located around city center ...". Can you take some real examples, like some cities in the world? I think you can say that in Japan, train stations are usually located near city center or at important road conjunction, which I think will make more sense :) And when you take example, try to use statement rather than prediction like "people might, they might", because that means your example is strong enough to evaluate the strength of your argument.  
  
I also believe that there are several problems related to your use of grammar. For example:  
  
Railways owns itself departure and arrival schedule *(this is a clause, and if you write "except" after it without any clause, that means it is a full sentence)*, except *(wrong use of "except")*unpredictable disaster occur, generally, it would transport people to the place *where they want to go* (redundant) on time.  
  
My fix would be:  
  
*Trains are operated based on fixed departure and arrival schedule. Unless unpredictable disasters occur, they would transport people to their desired destination*
The format for your essay is incorrect. The Task 2 essay always has a minimum of 2 body paragraphs. That is because you are expected to use at least 2 reasons, fully explained in stand alone paragraphs, to defend your position on the given topic. Your prompt paraphrase should have been composed of 5 sentences. That is because there is a requirement to paraphrase:  
  
- The topic  
- POV 1 on the topic  
- POV 2 on the topic  
- Your position  
- Transition sentence  
  
You did not completely provide a correct paraphrase in the introduction. It is only partially correct in presentation. Your reasoning paragraph 1 contains 2 reasons. Since you were already counting out your reasons, you should have used the second reason in a separate stand alone paragraph. While your reasoning is not incorrect, it is not fully explained either. That is why you are required to separate your reasons and use topic sentences instead of numerical counts at the start of each paragraph. The problem that existed in your introduction paraphrase also exists in your concluding paragraph. You should have summarized your supporting reasons in that paragraph to close the essay. As it is, the essay does not have a conclusion and will be seen as an open-ended essay. Points lost all around.  
  
You are supposed to be spelling in British English. Be mindful of the spelling differences between British and American English. Center in America is "centre" in Britain. Earn more LR scores for spelling the British way. "Railways" connote a plural reference so the subject-verb agreement should be "are" instead of "is". There are other existing problems in your essay but those are negligible enough to not have a direct effect on your score. The grammar is imperfect but you remain understood throughout the presentation, which is all that counts towards a good GRA score.
## graduation in canada statistics

  
  
The given graph provides information regarding how many university students in Canada graduated and data about whether they were females of males in the period between 1992 and 2007  
  
In summary, the number of graduates had a noticable difference between girls and boys. Throughout the period, males had a tendency to increase broadly in line with females.  
  
A closer look at the line graph reveals that the number of females constituted at approximately 100,000 students, followed by a minimal uplift at somewhere in the region of 105,000 students in 1995. The figure then was witnessed to grow slightly and peak at nearby 140,000 students subsequently in 2007.  
  
Turning to male students, at the beginning of the period, the number of them made up at just above 70,000 students. Next, there was a substantial rise in this figure as it jumped to just under 80,000 students in 1995, prior to taking off from approximately 78,000 students to roughly 100,000 students in 2007.
Please be mindful of your spelling. You have an error in the way you spelled "noticeable" as "noticable" single errors will still result in points deductions for the appropriate scoring section. In this case, a small deduction will be placed in your GRA and LR scores.  
  
While you wrote more than the minimum word count. You did not use the appropriate format to do so. That means, you failed to present complete sentences and paragraphs to the reader. Each paragraph needs 3 sentences minimum, without run on sentences present. Your sentences are mostly confused run-on presentations because you tried to compress information in each sentence, hoping to make more complex sentences in your presentation. It is unfortunate that the opposite happened instead.  
  
By the way, I need to see the image next time. It's the only way to provide you with a proper review with regards to the content of your report.
## consumer spending statistics

  
  
The table compares the expenditure spent by consumers on different products in five countries in 2002. The five countries were namely, Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden, and Turkey.  
  
It is clear from the information that the largest proportion of consumer spending in each country went on food, drinks and Tobacco, while the smallest amount of expenditure were spent for leisure and education.  
  
Of the five countries, consumer spending on food, drink and tobacco was considerably high in Turkey, at 32.14%, followed by Ireland, at 29%. On the contrary, the consumer expense on food drink and tobacco was relatively low in Sweden, with 16%.  
  
The consumer in Italy, in comparison with other countries, spent more money on clothing and footwear, at 9%. The consumer spending for leisure and education was the highest, at 4.35%, higher than the figure for Italy and Spain combined, while the lowest was in Spain, with 1.98 %. In 2002, the percentage for leisure and edition expense in Italy was almost the same as in Sweden, with 3.20% and 3.22% respectively.  
  
*
I cannot comment on the content and format of your essay because you uploaded the wrong image with your post. As such, I do not have a proper comparison point for the information you are presenting. I will be forced to just give you a general comment regarding your grammar errors instead.  
  
Rather than saying "different products", show your grammar range by using more descriptive adjectives in the essay. By saying "assorted products" or "various products", you show that you are capable of using more advanced English words and that you have an idea of how descriptive adjectives work. Additionally, since you are writing an accurate report summary, it would be better to avoid words that show uncertainty in your presentation. If you had posted the correct image, I would have had a better reference point to correct this possible writing problem for you. You used those terms of uncertainty twice in your presentation.  
  
When you say, "higher than the figure for Italy and Spain combined", it would be better if you could indicate either the combined figure or individual figures to show supporting data for your claims. Remember, all of the information you present must come from the original image. So making claims not backed up by information from the original will not be reliable in the eyes of the reader.  
  
Please remember to upload the correct image next time. It will be easier to give you advice when there is a comparison point for your writing and my observations. Thanks.
The first paragraph is wasting valuable word space. It does not help your essay move forward. The first paragraph should be a clear declaration of your purpose for studies. You have to start this essay off with an impressive hook if you want to interest the reviewer in reading the rest of your essay. In actuality, the purpose of your advanced studies remains unclear throughout the essay. The statement of purpose should indicate a summarized form of your presentation in the first paragraph. Clearly indicating the professional connection of your academic desire to learn to complete an MA in Fashion Buying and Merchandising. You can revise the first paragraph by saying something similar to:  
  
*When I was first asked to design and create my own outfit, I decided, that based on my drawings, the material should be (whatever). However, when I began to choose the materials, I realized that what I had in mind and what was actually available were two different things. Thus began my journey to becoming a fashion buyer. Academically, I was backed by (information), professionally, I had a lot to learn. Hence my desire to pursue these studies.  
  
As a fashion designer, I can complete the perfect whatever on paper. Choosing the right materials are a different story. I have found that I lack skills in... Therefore, the most solid representation of my purpose for studies is to ...*  
  
This is how I would have approached the essay from the start. Similar paragraphs will help you open with a strong purpose and explanation. Your academic reason for choosing the university is too shallow. Use your academic goals in relation to the course offerings to depict the perfect match between your interests and the ability of the university to educate you. Right now, the essay doesn't really give serious reasons for your choice. The current reasons are too selfish, not really academic related, and relies on basic information about the university that doesn't reflect any true reasons for your university choice. The reviewer will not be impressed by this essay at this point.
Overall, you mention about the academic background and work experiences. But you don't talk anything in-depth. You need to give convincing details about your work experience, what you learned, your career interests,etc. You need to demonstrate your qualities using examples.  
  
Rewrite the topic sentence. The first paragraph is really fluffy.  
Whatever school you choose, the programme will be looking for a student who will take advantage of what they offer and offer the most back to fellow students. They want students who are proactive and who are generous with their knowledge.At the beginning, you should state the main reasons that inspired you to pursue further studies in this subject at this particular school. For example, I want to pursue my postgraduate studies in Fashion Buying in order to gain a comprehensive insights into A,B,and C. I have a solid background to study this subject for the following reasons: reason A (education background), reason B (work experience),etc.
**Some country use fossil fuels ( coal, oil, natutural gas) as the main source of energy. However, in some countries, people are encouranged to develop alternative sources of energy ( wind envergy and solar energy). To what extend do you agree or disagree with this development.**  
  
## Alternative Energy Sources

  
  
Nowadays, an increasing of people are concerned about which fuels that we should utilize and its effects. However, whether using eco-friendly energy instead of using fossil fuels in many countries are a controversial issue. I fully agree with this stance by presenting several acceptable reasons.  
  
Firstly, it is obvious that for the environment because using alternative sources of green wound brings a range of benefits. Due to industrial development and the uncontrolled exploitation of people, it could harmful to the ecosystem and deplete natural resources, therefore, it created a large number of disasters, such as drought, global warming, air pollution. By the way, by using eco - friendly energy, people can restrict the bad influences of the environment and raise the public's green awareness. That why it is crucial for the countries to give priority to exploit green energy.  
  
Secondly, if the governments use renewable enẻgy such as wind, hydro and solar power as the main source of energy, it could save their budget and conserve other rare powers. For instance, if a country just uses only fossil fuels like the essential power, time by time, the source of it will be over and enable they have to buy fuels from other countries with extremely expensive price.  
  
That is not to say that we should not use fossil fuels completely. There are, of course, in some poor and developing countries, green - energy is much more precious than others and their financial is not allowed. However, the world is developing and many countries are taking steps to utilize the alternative source power.  
  
In conclusion, using eco-friendly energy is plays a crucial role in the development and the environment of a country; meanwhile, the exploitation of fossil fuels has to be managed and limited. By doing that, we can ensure that our next generation could also harness the eco-friendly power.
I must say that the Intro doesn't get to me very much. To make it clearer, perhaps you should change the first sentence a little bit bcuz *alternative sources of energy ( wind energy and solar energy)* are not fuels. Therefore, the coherence between sen 1 and sentence 2 is not very good.  
  
**"Whether" should go with "or"** and the verb go after it must be in third place, which is " is a controversial issue".  
  
The 1st sentence of the second paragraph has a mistake too ~~that for the environment~~ ;  ~~sources of green~~ ; ~~exploitation of people~~ => exploitation BY people  
  
In fact, there are so so so so so many things going on with your grammar, wich are sentence structure, collocations, choices of words, .... so I won't point out any of them anymore. You have to look into this carefully and figure it out by yourself  
  
So let's look at others problems in your writing. Remember each paragraph should include at least 3 sentences, especially the body ( which should include 5 sentences to the best of my knowledge). Moreover, if you'are going to give an example , don't just give us and leave it there. In this case, you did explain it but in a complicated and it's really hard to understand  
  
In summary, what really makes it EXTREMELY difficult to understand your essay is your grammar. Remember this simple structure : S+V . Don't forget verb and " IS" is a verb too. Furthermore it's the word choice. Don't just translate every thing from your native language into English. Every language is different. And you should spend more time in ur brain storming stage too.  
  
Having said that, you did sit at the table write a essay in spite of those mistakes. GOOD JOB! Just try to improve day after day and believe in urself. GOOD LUCK
Your prompt paraphrase and conclusion does not follow the required format which is:  
- Restate the topic in your own words  
- Explain the reason for the discussion as you understand it to be  
- Give your measured opinion on the matter  
- Transition into the body paragraph  
  
A more correct presentation of the opening prompt, based on the requirements above is:  
  
*Natural resources are the primary origin of industrial power in most nations. While this is true for the most part, some regions of the world are being inspired to build on the use of substitute renewable utilities. I fully agree with the latter opinion due to several personal observations.*  
  
Based on the example above, you can clearly see that I was able to restate the original topic, using proper synonyms for the keywords in the original prompt. I was also able to combine both my opinion and a transition sentence in the last sentence. This shows an advanced English writing skill. This is what you should be aiming for to be able to get a higher TA and C&C score in the presentation.  
  
Your concluding summary should represent your opinion and personal reasons in the presentation instead of a continued discussion of the essay. It is a reverse paraphrase. You don't consider the original prompt in this instance. You restate your body of paragraphs and personal opinion instead. What you presented to the examiner is a non-concluded essay. Which means you will have some deductions in the TA score because you were supposed to fully conclude the discussion within the given 40 minute writing time.