dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**School Magazine : Modern Technology**  
  
*Instructions :  
  
In your magazine article, you should :*  
**examine issues about family and social life.  
examine issues about health and safety.  
give your own view and develop your arguments.**  
  
Could you spare me a minute or two of your time ? Good ! You had just saved yourself. Kindly allow me to explain.  
  
In this day and age, the world is rapidly changing, it is constantly moving foward. Gone were days where we had to spin the ' Wheel " on the house phone to get in touch with someone , or watch the black and white programmes on TvV. Today, we have smartphones , music players , 3D-multicoloured TV's, Internet, etc. As we continue to advance towards field, some parts of us are deteriorating, leaving us with less humanity.  
  
When was the last time you greeted someone ? It is now rare to see people communicating with each other because of the tiny screen in our hand. Some of us are addicted to some gadgets . These gadgets force us to stay hours in our tiny comfort zones, it builds and invinsible barricade between people, even to the one you love dearly. Without interaction , there is no relationship. It worries our family that if we are "hardworking" on our gadgets, we shun our thoughts and emotions. We behave as if we are not with them, that is not family is. To make matters worse , even the rudimentary politsee is gone! Words that were taught since young such as " thanks you " and " please " are now impossible to hear.  
  
Another part of us that is deteriorating our physical and mental conditions. Studies have proven that people that are in contact with loud music are prone to have hearing loss, even at young age . Besides that, the risk of us injuring our spine and back are higher as most of the time, we hanched our back while using our gadgets. Futhermore, as more people are using tiny gadgets , the optical shop or specialists gain more business. Why ?It's because we can hurt our eyes too much if we strained them. Diseases like arthrists are most likely to occur. Most importantly, our safety is also threatened. When we concentrate on our gadgets, we tend to be charlatan of our surroundings , exposing us to great deal of danger. Hence the increment of kidnapping and road accidents.  
  
Besides, it is always important for us to put the real world first than our tiny bubble. Our technology has indeed improved our live more comfortable , but let us not be slaves of machines. Let us be the masters , we should communicate more, especially with our close ones , peer, friends. Build that relationship and not let regrets take over, same with our health. We never know what the future holds.  
  
There is a saying " wrong move , you lose ". Let us not yield to the temptations of the unrealistic world and save ourselves , save the last bit of humanity within us.  
  
*How much I get out of 25 ?  
Content -12  
Quality -13  
  
I am open to negative comments. Thanks*
@josiah cin  
I think the most important in this case that we should also mention about value because it is related to purpose of life. Nowadays, technology is a tool to make our job to be easy, and we could gather many fast information from it. Sometimes, we do not have any filter to strain it. Well, it would be dangerous for us to react to some problem because we could be following people statement without critical thinking. If our critical thinking is gone it will also effect in our purpose of life.
***The diagrams show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
Both of diagrams give information about how to produce cement, and cement mixture process for making concrete for construction. Overall, it can be seen that both of them are made by simple process, and mixture is the main process for cement and concrete production.  
  
First of all, the equipment which is need to make cement are limestone, clay, crusher, mixer, rotating heater, grinder, and also bags. Firstly, this method is started when limestone and clay are crushed by crusher for making powder. Then, the powder is flowed to heater and rotated in rotating heater along with heat. Outcome of this process is grinned by grinder. Finally, cement is already to be packed in bags.  
  
On the other hand, the equipment which is used to produce concrete are cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), gravel (50%), and also mixer. Process is started with mixture all of the material in mixer, and the concrete is already to be used.  
  
*
Halo miss @pramudia27 happily to check your essay. Here my suggestion about your introduction.  
  
... cement, and cement ~~mixture~~ MIXING process for making concrete ~~for construction.~~  
... by simple process, and ~~mixture~~ MIXING is the main process ...  
  
You can put many things from that diagram on your overview. You can explain about the similarity of equipment in both of them like mixer and also the ingredients and the stages. It can make you overview stonger because most your score depend on your overview for writing task 1.  
  
Good luck
IELTS Writing Task 2  
**Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world.  
Do you think this is a positive or negative development?**  
  
For the sake of convenient transportation and lots of world chain companies, people can purchase things easily even those products are not made in their countries. In my opinion, this is a positive development and my states are following.  
  
Nowadays, it is quite common that the people lives in the US wears alike the people in China. In terms of music, food, and the brand of phones, people seems to use the same things all over the world. In this case, each country is losing its own feature. I have been to Bali once, at the end of the trip, my suitcase was empty. Since the souvenirs sold in Bali are almost the same things displaced on Taipei street. Moreover, the price were so close that I wasn't willing to carry such heavy stuff back to my country. Secondly, this trend has serious impact on the local business. The reason that people can buy the things anywhere is because of those international chain companies. Compare to these huge enterprise, local business doesn't have the abundant resources. It becomes harder and harder to earn a living.  
  
On the other side, although from the top to the toe, from the gadgets to the essential items are more and more similar in the world. I believe the value of each county doesn't decide by these products. You can eat sushi in UK as in Japan, however, you can't experience the history of fishing in Japan. The products people using are just the surface, what people caring, what people thinking are the inner value of a county. It is culture which cannot be replaced easily. Next, globalization is a ongoing issue that no one can stop. Instead of complaining, the government should enact. For example, providing the subsidy to the local business and assisting the local to find their advantages.  
  
To conclude, the concept of global village is changing the game rule. In order to escape or hide, we should face it with optimistic attitude.  
  
Dear friends,  
  
I am not good at the sentence completion and the grammar...  
Please give some advice to enhance my writing, thank you so much!!
Sandy, your paper will not score higher than a 4 in an actual test. As you have admitted, you have a problem with sentence completion and grammar. These problems affected the overall essay because you were not able to accomplish a number of things in the essay. These include:  
  
1. An incomplete opening statement. the introduction must give a summary of the prompt, your opinion, then an overview of the discussion in order to be more effective.  
  
2. Learn to group your discussions into relevant paragraphs for the body of the essay. One paragraph requires one fully developed topic. You should concentrate on presenting only one reason so that you won't have a hard time developing the accompanying sentences in support of it.  
  
3. The conclusion also requires you to be more aware of the discussion that you have just presented. This is done by creating a summary of the discussion you just presented.
Ashley, I appreciate your interest in doing research regarding the ICANN controversy that concerns all of us who use the internet. However, I am not sure that your thesis statement is clearly represented in the opening statement. Why should be review both sides of the issue regarding control of ICANN? Can you narrow down the thesis statement for the reader? It seems like you are trying to discuss a very wide topic in this essay. So narrowing it down to a specific question or discussion will be essential in keeping the information you present relevant to the research. Now, with regards to the sources that you are presenting in the paper, I do not really see a proper in-text reference for the data. Keep in mind that when you do not properly cite your references within the text, you will be performing an act of plagiarism, which could ring an alert should the professor decide to run this essay through a plagiarism checker. Make sure you use the correct citing format in your essay in order to avoid that potential problem. I have no problem with the information you present in the essay though. It is informative. I am just not sure if it is informing, as a reader, in the right way.
**Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should be always taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
The punishment for evildoers must be fixed. For another party, the condition of a suspect and their willing to execute, should be considered when determining the conviction. I believe the prisoners must get a penalty but awareness and responsibility of them toward their cases can be taken as a consideration.  
  
An individual crime must be responsible for various type of crime which they have done. There should be a fixed punishment to make they realize that they have done an unlawful action. Besides, it encourages them to be a better person in the future life. Taking Roy marten, an Indonesia artist as an example. He got a punishment because of his addiction to the narcotics. After he runned his penalty, he realized to dissociate with narcotics. Although a felon must get a conviction, the circumstances of felon and their motivation to commit it should be taken account when give them the punishment.  
  
The consideration about the state of criminal persons and their motivation to responsible should be a reasoning when adjudicate them. Sometimes, many small cases get a difficult penalty and fine. The old people who do not understand about verdict also get the same deal. Warsini case for instance. Warsini is old woman who was judged for theft of food case. She did that because she did not have any money for buy food. Therefore, the judge should considerate about her situation when deciding the punishment for her.  
  
To sum up, I believe all of individual crimes have to get a punishment. However, the judge must consider about defendant circumstances and their willing to commit it.
Merieza, you accidentally ended up discussing only your opinion throughout this essay. You must remember that the prompt requirements dictate the kind of discussion and the placement of the discussion paragraphs throughout the essay. Since this is a practice essay, I am advising you to go back and write a new essay that will follow the prompt requirements thereby creating a properly developed essay discussion on your part. Be sure to discuss the two sides of the issue as an observer first, then, in the 4th paragraph, discuss your point of view before concluding with a summary statement in the fifth and last paragraph. In this current version, all you did was present supporting facts for your stand on the matter, which did not help because the examiner will suddenly realize that you did not understand the instructions you were provided with.
***Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should be always taken into account when deciding on the punishment.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion**.*  
  
Statue of each country has regulated each punishment for every criminal case and people believe that it should be applied. Nevertheless, some people say before deciding a punishment, a judge have to evaluate the condition of suspects and the reason of doing it.  
  
Deciding a punishment to the suspects is hard due to certain condition influences it. However, I think that a judge have to follow constitutional law about the fixed punishment. For instance, a man killed his wife because of jealous, and the evidence was a bloody knife. Based on the criminal law, it included a planned murder, which a suspect has to be punished with a lifelong imprisoned punishment. So, there should not be negotiated to lighten the punishment like only ten years of imprisoned. Because the constitutional law has been considered before it decided and the evidence had disclosed. Therefore, it should be applied to intimidate people in criminal cases.  
  
Punishment is decided based on the evidences. However after revealed the evidences, Investigator always investigate the background why the depravity case happens. It leads to the circumstances of the suspect and motivation for committing the crime. Nevertheless, both of the reasons do not often influenced a judge decide a punishment to the suspects. Since, sometimes the certain case is difficult to force open the criminal background clearly. For instance, last year, there was child murder in Bali named Angeline. The suspects were Margareth, her foster mother and Agus Thay, her house cleaner. The evidences were clear, but the condition of an individual crime and the motivation of murder did not appear exactly to support of the real murder. Their opinion also contradicted each other. So, it made polices were hard to determine who the real murderer. Therefore, it is hard, if both of conditions become the reason to decide a punishment since every side can make up the story become real.  
  
To sum up, fixed punishment has to be applied wisely to make people wary of doing crime that injure other people. Besides, evaluating the circumstances and the criminal background are important to know. However, it cannot be the main reason to affect the giving of punishment. 343w
Deciding a punishment to the suspects is hard due to [due to= because of+ noun phrase/noun ==> due to the fact that + sentence~~certain condition influences it~~ influences of certain condition.  
  
~~Because~~ the constitutional law has...because==> conjunction==> because+ sentence, sentence // sentence +because+sentence  
  
So, it made polices ~~were~~being hard to determine ...  
Therefore, it is hard~~[s**],**~~if both of conditions become (...) make up the story ~~become~~becoming real.  
  
good job.. break a leg
***The diagrams show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
The diagrams inform how the cement is produced with the tools explained, and the production process to make the concrete for building materials. It can be seen that both of processes use rotating force to make the cement and mixing the concrete.  
  
The equipment of cement production consists of the crusher, mixer, rotating, heat producer, grinder and bags. The process starts when limestone and clay as the raw material are crushed by the crusher to be powder. The powder is gone to the mixer and rotated in the rotating heater along with heat that created by the heat source. After that, the material that had been processed in the heater is grinded in the grinder. Finally, the cement is created and ready to be packed with bags.  
  
For the production of concrete, less than a fifth of cement, a quarter of sand, and a half of small stones are used to make the concrete. One in ten water is used as well. Then after all of the material is placed in the concrete mixer, the material is rotated by the mixer to create the mixed concrete.  
  
(186 Words)  
  
*
Ivan, your essay is informative and uses the information from the diagram accurately. However, the essay suffers from a number of problems that could affect the overall grade. For example, your opening summary is not sufficient in terms of the number of sentences used to narrate the overview. Please note that such opening remarks must contain a minimum of 3 lines, maximum of 5. Owing to the brief summary you have presented, the examiner will assume that your notes are incomplete and doesn't accurately represent the diagrams presented. The same problem exists in your final paragraph where, you only present two sentences as well. Those are the main areas of concern in your current essay that you must take note of and address during the development of your next practice test.
**Hi Mr. Ivan  
Overall, your writing is free of major grammar mistakes. However, let me finalize your writing. Please, review my notes**  
  
... cement is produced with the ~~tools~~ EQUIPMENT *(you should find the meaning of a word in a dictionary before you use it. There is an example where and when the word is used)* explained, and the ...  
  
It can be seen that both of processes use ...  
I am gonna give the alternative overview to enhance your score.  
**Overall, it can be seen obviously that there are four main steps passed in the process of producing the cement before it is harnessed. Meanwhile, the process of making concrete needs one step solely, but this is supposed to mix four sources.**  
  
..., heat producer, AND grinder ~~and bags~~ .  
The powder is ~~gone~~ BEAR to the mixer (...) along with heat ~~that~~ created by the heat source.  
  
~~in~~ A tenTH water is used as well.  
... of the material ~~is~~ ARE placed in...
**The diagrams show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.**  
  
The diagrams illustrate the manufacturing process of cement and concreting cement as a source to composite other materials when building things. When processing cement, limestone and clays are used as inputs. After that, cement as an output in cement production become an input in concrete production with sand, water, and gravel.  
  
Making cement consists of the crusher, mixer, rotating heater, and grinder as the equipment. Firstly, limestone and clay are put into crusher. Below the crusher, there is powder which is needed to make crusher whirl. Secondly, the mixture of limestone and clay through the mixer machine and get into a rotating heater. While it is rotated, fire heats the mixture. Following this, it will be demolished in grinder machine and put into the cement bags.  
  
Concreting cement is processed by mixing all of the ingredients into the concrete mixer. 15 percent of cement is needed to create concrete cement. At the same time, sand about 25 percent and 50 percent gravel are put into concrete mixer. Afterwards, 10 percent of water is poured into all the materials. Finally, concrete mixer blend all of the materials and produce the concrete cement.  
  
*
Ifra, congratulations on writing an essay that could quite possibly score a 7 in an actual setting. Your paper is quite coherent, creates and understandable discussion, and clearly represents the diagram illustration. You have a clear grasp of the English language at, perhaps, an intermediate level which has helped you write this essay on a more clarified level. Although there are some instances where the wrong terms were used or the word was misspelled here and there, these errors were not serious enough to dent your rating in this essay. I would suggest that you continue doing whatever it is you are doing in terms of reviewing and improving your English skills. If I am to base your skills on this essay alone, I could say that you have the potential to improve your skills to the point where you may get more than just a passing grade in the actual test.
**Hi Miss Ifra..  
These are my suggestions to finalize yours**  
  
concreting cement as a source to composite other materials when building things  
*Miss, be careful of paraphrasing. Besides that, you have to analyze the diagram because you state different meaning of the Picture The right picture actually describe the process of producing the concrete.*  
  
In the process of ~~processing~~ making the (...) clays are MAIN SOURCES used as inputs. After that, THE cement as (...) production becomeS an input in concrete production MIXED with sand...  
  
Making cement ~~consists of~~ NEEDS *(Please, you reread your sentence so that you can make sure you what you write is what in your mind)* the crusher, mixer, ...  
  
... clay are put into THE crusher MACHINE.  
... there is powder ~~which is~~*(Conduct omitting so that you can demonstrate your skill in the grammar)* needed to ...  
... mixer machine and ~~get~~ BEAR into a rotating heater.  
... in grinder machine and ~~put~~ IS PACKED into the cement bags.  
  
~~Concreting cement~~ THE CONCRETE is processed by mixing...  
... needed to create THE concrete cement. At the same time, ~~sand~~ about 25 percent OF SAND and 50 percent OF gravel are put into THE concrete mixer.  
  
... all of the materials and FINALLY produce the concrete cement.
**Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, ...**  
  
At present, blaming someone who involves in a crime can guise a controversy. Some people argue that certain penalty have to be fixed by the parliament for each type of vice. However, others believe that nobody wants to do a crime, they always have hard situation that should be consider by people when deciding the punishment. I personally approve with the second motion due to some of criminal is not really guilty.  
  
Learn from the past history, ancient people have doubtless law for each crime. Everyone has to be punished no matter how big or small the case is. Reason behind the violence never be permitted. It is done since those people believe that punishment can reduce crime level in their community. For example, in United Arab Emirates, imposing law that appropriate with the criminal grade, like people who is discovered for thievery, their hand will be cut no matter what things that they steal. Even for people who kill other person, capital punishment will be delivered for them. So, people will fear from doing violence activity.  
  
On the other hand, others people argue investigation and deep study have to be done before determining criminals' sentence. Reasons why people do the crime have to be clear so that appropriate punishment can be received by them. Due to some of crime happen because of the criminals are in desperate situation. For instance, in involuntary homicide, the criminals who slay other person might be the victim as they have to protect their selves in that time or people that do stealing because of they need money for their family feed. Thus, the parliament has considered why the crime could happen to decide a wise judgment.  
  
All in all, truly assessment and consideration have to done before the punishment is decided. Due to not all of the violent is really responsible.