dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please help me, i'm about to take the ielts test this weekend but i dont know what my writing level is, im quite nervous about whether i could get band 6 to pass the scholarship T.T, thank you in advance!  
  
TOPIC: *Nowadays, some employers think that formal academic qualifications are more important than life experience or personal qualities when they look for new employees. Why in this case? Is a positive or negative development?*  
  
## Qualities or qualifications necessary for a good career

  
  
In this increasingly competitive society, high-level qualifications are considered to be more expected than life experience or personal qualities by some employers when they seek new candidates these days. In my perspective point of view, I believe that this is a negative movement.  
  
There are two factors to explain why recruiters put formal academic certifications as top priorities when recruiting new employees. Firstly, in many professions, a university degree is needed for a specific job. A student has to devote a lot of time and effort to his or her study in order to get a university qualification which somehow prove that this student is a hard-working and persevering person. For instance, a candidate for biology teacher position is required to have a great deal of knowledge at university as well as spend a lot of time to practice and carry out experiments. Secondly, this tendency might be a great way for a recruiter to save time finding top-notch applicants. Selecting the candidates base on common criteria certificates is necessary for screening the good candidates from a large applicant pool before employers find their excellent and right employee. Compared to formal academic candidates who are likely ready to start working, employers may have to spend time on training non-academic applicants how to work properly.  
  
However, I think that this is a negative development and recruiters should consider a mix of factors, including education background, work experience and personalities. Many people decide to work right after school instead of starting tertiary education in order to gain life skills and practical experience. On top of that, after a long time of working in a real work environment, people are also capable of doing most assigned tasks without a formal academic education. In addition, warmth and smiles indicate the type of employee who will work well with others. An unhappy worker takes more time to finish the quest, does only the minimum to avoid being fired while a happy worker finds value in the work they do, and do the best they can to finish it.  
  
In conclusion, compared with qualifications, life experience and personal traits are considered less important criterion for employers to assess potential employees, and I believe that this is a negative progress for the above-mentioned arguments.
Hey Thai, I'd like to tell you not to worry about your score. I have thoroughly reviewed your essay and, based upon the scoring requirements, I can safely tell you that you will get at least a 6 with this type of writing. That is because you stayed on point with your discussions and you managed to remain clear and relevant with your 2 points for discussion. However, there are some points that you need to consider improving upon in order to improve your scoring potential.  
  
The first thing that you have to consider is that when you deal with a direct question essay, of which this particular exercise is one, you should make sure to indicate not only your position regarding the topic, but also the main discussion points you will be presenting. That is because the opening paragraph, which requires at least 2 sentences to represent the prompt paraphrase, you also need to add the discussion outline by indicating your position and the discussion points towards the end of the paragraph. This helps inform the reader as to what the flow of the discussion will be and how it will be presented.  
  
The next thing you have to remember is that redundancies need to be avoided in your presentation. While I understand your desire to increase your LR score, repeating information in the essay will not be helpful because it shows a lack of control with regards to word usage and grammar development. For example, when you said:  
  
In my perspective point of view  
The term "perspective" already means point of view. It is a synonym word so when you said "perspective point of view" you created a redundancy in the presentation.  
  
Your body of paragraphs are acceptable and does make valid points. However, you presented too many points in one paragraph which did not allow you to really fully explain the purpose of the paragraph. It would be better if you pick only up to 3 strongest discussion points to present in individual paragraphs so that you can clearly explain your meaning. It is not enough to list discussion points with single sentence explanations. You need to fully explain using a topic sentence, reasoning, and clear example. All of those 3 points need to be interrelated in the paragraph with the final sentence being an introduction to the upcoming discussion topic in the next paragraph.  
  
Overall, you did acceptable work in this essay. It shows that you have the potential to score even greater in the actual test. You just need to practice writing in the various forms to make sure that you will get at least a 6 in all the test question formats.
*## Some people become famous at young age.

  
Is it good thing or bad thing?*  
  
Some of the celebrities are younger than others. I believe this statement can view as a positive development. I will elaborate with reasons below.  
  
The popularity enriches with valuable life experiences to those famous young people. Usually, similar schedules are fixed in most of the teens, such as completing assignments or preparing exams. So they cannot experience a life other than studying in their youth. Being popular as teenagers allow them to live a different lifestyle, with loyal fans and wealth. These changes will soon become an important part of the life lesson to them.  
  
Moreover, the young generations' voices are powerful. Take Emma Watson for instance, a famous british actress who is also an advocate of gender equality. Her speeches on the stage influence many people point of views towards women and the LGBT community. It is because of her young age with such knowledgeable thinkings that impresses the audience.  
  
Last but not least, the fame provokes the famous youth to ruminate their past so they will show more gratitude to one another. Whenever they start reflecting on their lives, they are likely to compare the present and the past. Presumably, they will understand being famous is challenging. As a result, they will appreciate what they have and be good to others.  
  
To recapitulate, people who are famous at their young age gain extraordinary experiences in their lives. Their words are also influential to the people. And the popularity renders them to be more thankful.  
  
-------  
*I took your advice and used it in practice. Hopefully, this essay is better.*
Hello  
Some of the celebrities are younger than others. -> I think this statement is always true. In my opinion, "be younger" does not mean "at young age". People at the age of 30 are younger than 40-year-old people.  
  
I am wondering about the word "development", is that a development?  
  
"as teenagers allows them"  
  
"young generations' voices are powerful". --> I really love this point of view. How meaningful it is! Do you think that "more powerful" is better?. And I think "Voices" should be used in singular form.  
  
"To recapitulate...", I think you should mention once again, that this fact is not a bad thing.
SG, there is a problem in your representation of the prompt statement. "Younger than others" implies that you are discussing about an age difference in the essay. That is not the case. You are merely referring to young people in general. Then, you did not really offer a clear idea of what your reason for your opinion is, which left the direct question essay, that should have a direct response, pointless. Here's a sample thesis statement for this essay with a more appropriate response:  
  
*There are some celebrities who become popular during their adolescence. I believe that this is something that can be viewed in a positive manner. Popularity at an early age can result in a more enlightened adult. The reasons behind this are lessons learned from mistakes in life and a growing voice of influence as they experience a different life from other people of a similar age.  
  
The life experiences...  
  
These experiences help the youth to develop a more influential and powerful voice...*  
  
Emma Watson is a good example however, you failed to illustrate how her voice helps her cause in the industry or helps to influence other youth.  
  
Your concluding summary is not complete. You forgot to restate your response to the direct question as the closing sentence of this paragraph. Mistakes aside, you have shown a tremendous improvement in your work with this essay.
## Video games and kids

  
  
Some people think that playing computer game is play an important role in life children, but others think that it harms children's health, and it is waste of time for a children. In my opinion, the children should avoid playing computer game for two reasons which I explore following essay.  
  
First of all, it is benefit for playing game in predetermined time. However, if children do not have control of its uses, it can affect their life in negative ways such as a child, who playing video game every day, will weaken the vision. I have personally experienced this situation. When I was in primary school, I have been playing video game after school despite doing homework. As a result, not only my eyesight has weakened but also receive low grade in the class. I would not get worse grade in my class and weaken the eyesight if I did not play video game.  
  
Secondly, playing computer game can also lead to negative effect in the socialization, and may lead to cease the conversation of their friends. Also cause for children to be introverted person. My young brother's experience demonstrates this is true. When he started high school, he was loved to play video game in a home and he did not enjoyed communicate with his classmates. Consequently, he cannot speak his classmates even in the school because he became the introverted person as playing game in the home whole day.  
  
In conclusion, it should not be allowed to playing video game for children. This is because playing video game a long time it may cause for children to weakening eyesight, and because they could be introverted person.
Hi Temuulen, you should post the original prompt next time so we can review your essay accurately. Although I can see your main ideas in the essay, there is room for improvement. I suggest you read or learn more about the part of speech. There are some errors I found:  
  
..playing computer game ~~is~~ play ...  
gaming plays an.....  
  
and it is **a** waste of time  
  
it is **beneficial** for playing..  
  
in ~~predetermined time.~~ What are you talking about? Predetermine means something sets up in advance.  
..in their young age.  
  
With regard to this sentence, you are lacking a subject.
*With an increasing population communicating via Internet and text message, face to face communication will became a thing in the past.  
To what extent do you agree?*  
  
## Obsolete face to face communication

  
  
As a growing number of people are choosing to communicate using modern technology, such as the internet and text messaging, some believe that face to face communication will eventually die out. In my opinion, although I agree that face to face conversation will become increasingly less popular, it is unlikely to disappear completely and will still be preferred in certain situations.  
  
In modern times, technology has become an integral part of the way that people communicate with one another and has increasingly taken the place of face-to-face communication. Social media has made it possible to communicate with family and friends all around the world in the matter of a few seconds. For instance, youngsters living in abroad can communicate with their parents and grandparents on skype or social media using the web camera. Furthermore, organizations prefer video conferencing, email and Skype for communication with their clients and internally for faster delivery of their products.  
  
However, face to face personal interaction is favored in certain situations. Firstly, the critical negotiations and serious business agreements required physical attendance to avoid any ambiguity. Since the agreement is a part of company capitals, and the company could face negative consequences if anything goes wrong. Secondly, in most service industries where the quality of the relationship is essential, regular in-person meetings for crucial matters are essential. That's especially true for lawyers, accountants, human resources professionals, financial advisors, etcetera. Overall, the idea that face to face communication plays a key role in tough situations and unlikely to disappear.  
  
In conclusion, although the modern technology such as the internet and text messaging has become increasingly popular among people and has progressively taken the place of face to face communication, it is still being preferred in serious situations. Thus, it is improbable that face to face communication will eventually die out.
Hi Balijit, it is a good essay but there are a few suggestions I want to make. I can see that you have multiple ideas in second and third paragraphs, it is better to discuss one main idea in one paragraph because, in this way, it enables you to expand that idea fully.  
  
As you have more than one idea in the body paragraphs, it is difficult for you to wrap up all of the ideas in concluding paragraph, which creates a confusion to the reader that you have not thoroughly summarised your main points.  
  
I see that you repeated the word ''essential' twice in the same sentence, avoid it if you can.  
  
Keep it up.
Balijit, you have misunderstood the prompt discussion requirement. There is no degree of extent in your discussion nor have you made your opinion clear regarding the given topic. Let me outline the original discussion for you:  
  
Topic: face to face communication will became a thing in the past.  
Reason: an increasing population communicating via Internet and text message  
Question: To what extent do you agree?  
  
Your response: although I agree that face to face conversation will become increasingly less popular, it is unlikely to disappear completely and will still be preferred in certain situations.  
  
The correct paraphrase:  
*There is an increasing reliance of people on advanced technological communications such as video conferencing and internet messaging. This has led to the opinion that physical contact with regards to communication will become obsolete in the future. I partially agree with this statement because of several reasons.*  
  
Given the original instruction parameters, you are not given any room to contradict the discussion presentation. However, based upon the proper wording of your paraphrase and thesis statement, you could have offered a proper partial opinion discussion set up to allow for your comparative discussion. However, your essay does not follow that format.  
  
The above reason will be the basis for you to receive only a partial score for the TA section. Your opinion statement is incomplete in presentation. Hence the proper complete scores will only be given for the parts of your essay that adhere to the prompt requirements. Sadly, your concluding summary will suffer the same fate due to the improper addressing of the restated prompt requirements as well. That is because your essay changed the prompt discussion and as such, no longer presented an opinion that was in line with the original discussion.
## Every day we do different decisions that change us and our life.

  
  
First of all I want to say that we do big decision that leaves a footprint on our life and also do small decisions that are not so important.I think that this small decisions we can do quickly because it don't change very much our life.For example:to decide what to eat on the diner or to decide what to do now.  
  
I personally believe that big decisions we should made after careful thought because it can do our life different and after doing this decisions we should think about pluses or minuses and decide.For example:to decide in what country you will study or to decide where to live.I think that if we will do this decisions quickly,before it we can regret about our decision and this is not so good.  
  
To sum up I want to say that we should do the decisions with attention and do only the decision that we want but not someone else.Every decision have different consequences.
Anastasia, your grammar is not perfect and your timeline in the presentation is off. However, you still managed to make yourself understood with very little stress applied on the reader in order to understand your point of the meaning of your statement. You need to make sure that you focus on your tense usage though as this thoroughly affects the method by which you present your discussion. All of these statements should be made with future participles in mind so the more proper grammar presentation would have been:  
  
... MAKE big decisions... footprint IN our LIVES ( when you start with a plural presentation, you end with a plural presentation)... also MAKING small DECISIONS are... that THESE small decisions... it DOES NOT change... much IN our LIVES... what to eat FOR DINNER...  
  
... BIG DECISIONS SHOULD BE MADE... because it can AFFECT our LIVES DIFFERENTLY... ... we will MAKE THESE DECISIONS QUICKLY...  
  
You can see the pattern for correcting the rest of the essay based on the sample above. Remember, when something is yet to be done, use the future tense references and watch out for those tricky plural references.
Topic: Young people should spend more time on cultural activities and less time on sport.  
How far do you agree with this statement. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
  
## balance between cultural activities and sports

  
  
My essay:  
It can be obviously seen that cultural education are extremely important to young people. Some people believe that the young should decrease their time spent on sports and spend more time taking part in cultural activities. However, I disagree with that opinion. Mentioned in this essay are reasons for young people to balance their cultural and physical activities.  
  
There is no doubt that cultural activities are something that all the young can not miss in their lives. The educational and inspirative values of those activities have been proven since the very first days of human history. Thanks to music, literature and some other cultural heritages which are preserved through generations and exchanged between different countries, young people learn more about morals, love, willpower and creativity. These activities can help the youth relax, have a good attitude towards society and promote their contribution to the culture of mankind. Therefore, young people should spend time discovering and enjoying cultural values.  
  
In the other hand, sports are also essential. Without sports, the youth can not have good mental and physical health to study, work and experience. Moreover, through practising sports, young people learn and develop a variety of skills and qualities such as team-work, communication skill, ingenuity, the will to confront and overcome difficulties ... The young could apply those things to all their activities, including cultural activities.  
  
Youth does not mean that young people have to spend a lot of time on something but less time on something. It must depend on not only how much time a person have but also the physical strength, intelligence, passion and desire to learn of each individual. Young people should understand themselves and keep themselves in balance between cultural activities and sports. By doing that, the youth will have the best experiences and can develop in the most effective and comprehensive way.  
  
*It seems easy to say whether the statement mentioned in the topic should be agreed or disagreed with, but it is difficult for me to express the reasons for my opinion coherently and convincingly.  
  
Please give me some comments. I appreciate all comments for my essay. If possible, can you help me assess the score of this IELTS essay?*
Hang, In the discussion prompt, you stated that the opinion to be discussed is only the extent by which you agree with the given statement. It does not offer you any room to disagree with the given proposal. Yet, you went on to discuss the reasons that you disagree with the given discussion point. As such, this essay discussed what is called a prompt deviation which will lead this essay to be scored extremely low on the TA side of the band score. I don't believe that this could score higher than a 1 in the TA section because your response is not related to the given task, which is to have you discuss the extent of your agreement, not disagreement with this discussion. As you know, once you deviate from the prompt discussion, it will be extremely difficult to pull up your remaining scoring considerations in order to achieve a passing score.  
  
In this instance, I have pointed out the reason why this essay will have some difficulty in receiving a passing score. So I will not score the rest of this essay based on the band criteria. Instead, I will show you how the prompt paraphrase should have been written:  
  
*There is an ongoing discussion regarding whether or not the youth should devote an increased amount of time to cultural learning instead of investing time in athletic activities. I partially agree with this statement. Based on my knowledge and experience, I will discuss my supporting reasons with further details below.*
## The percentage of elderly people in three countries

  
  
The line graph illustrates the percentage of the population at the age of at least 65 from 1940 to 2040 in Japan, Sweden and the USA.  
  
Overall, the trends for all three figures increased, and they are expected to continue rising. Although the figure for USA is not predicted to be the highest at the end, it remained higher than the others for most of the time.  
  
Starting at around 10 percent, the proportion of Americans aged 65 and over experienced an increasing fluctuation. This model was also applied to the figure for Sweden which began at a lower point of 7 percent. The percentage of 65-year-old people in Sweden is predicted to reach its peak at 25 percent, about 2 percent higher than that of the USA..  
  
In contrast, the proportion of old people in Japan was the lowest in 1940, which was at the exact 5 percent. After seeing a slight drop from 1940 to around 1980, the figure for Japan started to increase gradually and is expected to rocket to more than 25 percent in 2040, which will be the highest of all three nations at that time.  
  
*
Linh, the comparison chart would have been far more efficient with the addition of the 2 sets of overlapping points for the growth of the population in the year 2000 for Sweden and the USA indicating the same growth of approximately 14%. Then again, there is an estimated overlapping of growth for all 3 countries around the year 2030 where Japan and the USA overlap at around 13% and then Japan and Sweden also overlap at around the same time at an estimated growth of 22%.  
  
The reason why I believe you have to be on the lookout for these overlapping information or comparative growth points is because these illustrations always ask for comparisons to be made wherever relevant. These overlapping points are part of the comparison sections to be presented. The inclusion will allow you to increase your overall TA, C&C, LR, and GRA scores. With the way this essay is currently presented, a more intricate review could push this essay well above the 7.5 mark.