dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**#007: How do movies and television influence people's behavior?**  
  
It has happened to all of us that after watching cooking channel on TV, we feel hungry, or after looking at a horror movie- before sleeping- we check all windows and locks one more time to make sure they are all closed tight and locked correctly. All of above are just examples to show one indisputable fact: movies or TV's influence on our behavior and the influence is not just for a short period.  
  
In a short time, media can effect on our mood. For instance; when you listen to heartbreaking music all of sudden you feel down while another hour with another type of music you feel cheerful. This fact is also true when you listen or watch the news; some news make you angry, while others make you happy, and the worth thing is we make all our decision base on our mood or in the other word we behave according to information we receive.  
  
In a long time, Media defines good and what is bad for us. News, programs, TV series always dictate what is right or wrong, how you should dress, or how is the appropriate behavior, and even what you should like or dislike. For example; Fat people are not considered model since all models we see on media are slim.  
  
Media can influence our behavior in short time and long time. You feel hungry when you are watching cooking channel or feel angry when hearing bad news. These are just examples of the effect of media on our behavior in a short time and how good people should dress or how should behave are examples of media in a long time. However, this dictation is sometimes good and sometimes is bad.
Ashkan, I must call your attention to the way that you have your essay formatted. It is all wrong. You need to place a space in between paragraphs to signify a separation of discussion topics and also make it easier for the reader to keep track of what he is reading in your essay. Right now, the essay misses out on creating a relaxed reading atmosphere for your reader.  
  
By the way, I'd appreciate it if you can share the complete discussion prompt in this thread. I can't really judge the validity of your content and presentation unless I know the parameters by which you were supposed to write your response essay. Right now, I can only offer a general review and commentary, based upon the information that I can judge from reading your work.  
  
Now, you need to lengthen your paragraph discussions. You should aim to present more information in each paragraph that tries to cover the maximum of 5 sentences . While you present commonly known information in the essay, there are instances when your essay will best be helped by the presentation of your personal experience or connection with the prompt. That will depend upon the instructions provided with the prompt so I am not really sure if that personal opinion or experience is necessary in this instance. At the moment, the information has a generalized feel to the commentary and doesn't really inform the reader about anything not already commonly known.  
  
Reading the actual prompt will help me to better assess your essay and advice you regarding how to properly approach it. I hope you can post the prompt soon.
Ash, in actuality, there is no right or wrong way to write any content for an academic essay, which is what a TOEFL is all about. There is though, a proper format to be followed in writing the essay. The standard format is composed of the following:  
  
1. Introduction - offers the thesis statement of the discussion in a paraphrased form  
2. Bodies of Paragraph - 3 discussions that cover the specified discussion format from the prompt instructions  
3. Conclusion - summary of facts, restatement of the prompt, repetition of your personal opinion (if instructed to do so in the prompt).  
  
So your essay has to cover 5 paragraph with each paragraph containing a minimum sentences and a maximum of 5 sentences, completed within a 250 word maximum.  
  
That is the basic format of a TOEFL essay. The rest of the parts to be scored like Task Achievement, vocabulary, grammar, sentence structure, etc., are skills that you develop over time. Basically, you just have to keep writing, we will keep advising you as to how to improve your skills, and over time, you should begin to show improvement in your English comprehension and writing skills.  
  
So the best advice I can give you is this, keep writing. We will help you become a better writer with the aim of passing your TOEFL test. Keep those practice essays coming. We look forward to helping you.
**006: If you could change one thing about your hometown, what would it be?**  
  
My hometown is one of the most beautiful city in the world with the kindest people I have ever met. However, nothing in this world is ideal, and my city is not exceptional. There are couples of thing that they bothered me last time I visit it, but none of them was as irritable as its internet speed.  
  
Nowadays, information is power and time is gold indeed! If anybody in my city wants to do something that everybody gets benefit from it, he should defiantly work on improving internet speed. Last summer, I was in my hometown for visit and I had to pick some courses for the fowling semester. The internet speed was so slow that I could not even open the school main web page. As I mentioned before, access to the information nowadays is the key. How can anybody expect to have anything to say in future if he has not have access to information in the fastest way as possible.  
  
All in all, nothing in my home town buttered me as much as internet speed did. If I have power to fix only one problem from my hometown it defiantly would be internet speed.
Ashkan, I think that your statement and the whole content of your essay is contradictory. This is because you did explain about "couples of things" but the fact you only mentioned one particular thing that makes you sad / unsatisfied. Thus, it might hamper the final grading of your essay itself. This means your idea is not that consistent.  
  
Moreover, I reckon that you also need to pick appropriate words to be used in this essay. Some words did not collocate properly. For example, when you say "time is gold" it wasn't collocated well. Time is indeed precious but not as precious as gold. You can say "precious time" instead of "time is gold". Then, when you say that you **"visit"** your hometown, I think is quite odd if you take a closer look on the meaning. You are not supposed to visit your hometown , but you are supposed to go home / come home to your hometown . **"Visit"** is the appropriate verb when you try to visit other places/towns but your hometown.  
  
You are suggested to share the words limit to the reader. This would help us to check whether your essay has already fulfilled the minimum words count or not. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. You can upload the revision below my message. Good luck for that :)
@Ashkan123  
  
To be academic some higher level vocabulary and their collocation are necessary placed in your eassay,  
  
However, to do so, is not hard to find sources online like **dictionary**  
and please note that any time you get through any new vocab, you must broaden its collocation to sound more like a native user, and better learn a synonym, as well.  
  
In the first paragraph  
  
There are some patterns that have not met a general introduction essay writing,  
  
Your thesis statement outline about physical appearance of your hometown (beautiful landscape and surrounding, I guess). the TASK ask you a question that only one thing to be addressed ,and you have come in a right path to write what things (as you mentioned, I as well as the reviewers may think that you would come up with a infrastructure or other public surroundings, in contrast, you did not write it). As you put an emphasis on the internet speed is your most dissatisfied issue, since you have referred for your neighborhood. Your first obvious things to describe for your hometown is better to be public utilities and facilities that an authority has provided for community. Then you can claim that within several inconveniences from your point of view, what is the one thing that has caused you to think that it must be urgently changed.  
  
Subsequently, In the first body paragraph, you shall create a topic sentence directly to your one undesired thing **(what)** and it might be better to link that others in your hometown also agree with your opinion (but do not go too far). And you have to write **why** you think this is the one thing you would like to change, and give some examples to support your idea just 2 - 3 good ones.  
  
the next paragraph may give readers your solution for it.  
  
For the closed paragraph you just restate your story again, remember that do not repeat to what you have just mention, close your essay nicely by folding your idea together in different way.  
  
Here are just some vocabs you can replace.  
  
... with the kindest ~~people~~ I have ever met. ~~However, nothing in this world is ideal, and ...~~  
~~There are couples of thing that ...~~  
  
... with the kindest ~~residents/citizens~~ I have experienced with. ~~However, some facilities fora public ...~~  
... to make an access online , ~~it is the internet speed.~~
The bar chart reveals the information about the favorite sports which were played mostly in New Zealand in 2002.  
It can be clearly seen that the highest bar belonged to girls playing netball, opposed with the lowest figure of boys one.  
According to the data, the most popular sport was netball enjoyed by girls, with participation rates reached the top at 25%. A similar percentage of boys was liked soccer, which was absolute their sport. There were 10% of boys also took part in cricket but nearly no girls played this sport. Besides, swimming seemed to be the popular with boys and girls, more girls preferred in this game (respectively 22% and 1%).  
  
The others sports such as athletics, marital arts, basketball and tennis had fewer people enjoying while a significant figure of boys and girls said that they participated sports which didn't mention on the grap.  
  
*
Hoai, you are suggested to fulfill the minimum words limit for IELTS task 1. Your words count doesn't reach the minimum of 150 words. It is unfortunate that you only write 147 words to be exact. This can be dangerous towards your band score in terms of Task Achievement. Remember, inappropriate format is only worth 5.0 in Task achievement criteria.  
  
Also, you need to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.  
  
**1st paragraph:**  
*The bar chart reveals... (1st sentence)  
It can be clearly seen that... (2nd sentence)  
Meanwhile,... (3rd sentence)*  
  
**Last Paragraph:**  
*The other sports such as... (1st sentence)  
A significant figure... (2nd sentence)  
In addition,... (3rd sentence)*  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hi, what a good summary, but let me gives several comments for you. Feel free to correct my suggestions.  
1. for IELTS writing task I, you not get the task response, you only write 147 words.  
2. you should manage your paragraph by 3 paragraphs: introduction (paraphrase the question, the measurement and conclusion), body I and body II ( depend on you how to grouping the information from the bar chart)  
  
3. in my viewpoint,you need put the measurement of the graph. (The bar chart reveals the information about the favorite sports which were played mostly in New Zealand in 2002 and is measured by percent )  
  
4.try to paraphrase the number ( ex: 10% = one-ten, 25% = a quarter)  
5.and girls said that they participated sports which ~~didn't~~did not (remember, academic purpose) mention on the grap.  
keep writing and break a leg!
... is about 200 ft. HEIGHT out of the waterthat ~~is~~ melt to be glaciers**[glacier is large mass of ice, thus it cannot be mentioned that 'melt into glacier' as melt means turn into liquid or softer state. make sure to delivered a proper and accurate information]**and it's the amount almost slightly.**cannot understand what you meant here!**  
  
The ~~liquefaction~~ liquidation of the icebergs can ~~result much of~~ INCREASE THE NUMBER OF ~~meneral~~ MINERALS in water which ...  
The average AGE of THE VERY YOUNG polar ice is ~~very young which is~~ above one hundred thousand years ~~old.~~  
  
TO COMPOSE A PROPER SUMMARY:  
1)LISTEN/READ THE SOURCE  
2) WRITE DOWN THE MAIN IDEAS/INFORMATION INTO PARAPHRASED WORDS OR YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE  
3) REWRITE AND COMPOSE THOSE DATA INTO A SUMMARY  
4) RECHECK IS YOUR SENTENCE IS UNDERSTANDABLE?GIVING THE EXACT MEANING WITHOUT USING THE SAME WORDS? IF SUCH THE PROBLEMS OCCUR, YOUR SUMMARY IS BAD AND NEED TO REWRITE AGAIN
hallo miss  
  
The polar snowflake, particularly in Antartica, is about 200 ft.( THE POLAR SNOWFALKE IN ANTARTICA IS ...  
  
.out of the water (USE GOOD VOCABULARY IN THE FIRST SENTENCES) that is melt be glaciers ...  
  
these are my advices  
1. lack of idea is the most problem>>> broaden your idea to cover all of the main summary  
2. try to write more sentences.  
3. apy attention with using of vocabularies appropriate or not with context  
  
GOOD LUCK..
Wildfires accident which makes The US to spent more than 2 billion dollars to fight with them and kill 6 firefighters is the major reason why expert in the US try to develop a new way to solve the wildfire problems occur annually. The best way is researchers try to develop autonomous vehicles, so firefighters can out of the battle and let the vehicles to solve the problems. In the result, a contractor which developing the idea showed off 4 unmanned aircraft that join with Firefighter department. Indago, a quadcopter drone, uses several advance technology such as infrared and visible light cameras. So, the firefighters become the viewer to see about the situation use a small device such tablet and help victim to safe place. To prove the abilities of this autonomous, The Indago was fought fires in Australia.
Dioba, you need to rework this essay. The summary that you present is confusing and the information used lacks proper referencing in order to offer understandable and relevant data to the reader. For example, in the second sentence of this summary, you said that 6 firefighters died or were killed. Was that during the whole forest fire season or just during one incident of forest fire? The timing of the fire dictates the proper information that you have to relay to the reader.  
  
Next, who was the contractor who developed the vehicle? The company was named in the report so you should mention the company in the summary. That is so that the reader will know that you are not just making up the information. It is verifiable information that will offer your summary an authoritative and informative credibility.  
  
Another thing, the way that you say it, the autonomous vehicle seems to be usable only for helping people to safety. Doesn't it help to fight the fire as well? Double check your information as I believe you missed some important parts. In relation to that, the firefighter controls the autonomous vehicle so it is wrong to say that the vehicle solves the fire problem. That is still accomplished on the human side of fire fighting.  
  
Finally, when you say the autonomous vehicle was used in Australia, you can't just stop at that point. You must also offer information, which was in the report, as to how effective the system was in helping to combat the fire. Without the additional information, the summary doesn't really complete the run down of the article's important facts.
Discussing salary is one of the taboo activities that almost all of people never discuss. How much our salary, the next person in our position salaries and office friends salaries are several questions we are never talk in advance and still become a secret. David Burkus, a TED speaker, thinks that if the secrecy of the salaries issues is removed, it will improve sense of fairness and collaboration each worker inside the company. Based on his research and experience, when a company do not make transparency of their employee salaries, so the worker cannot compare with their friends income and it will leads to make the worker feel underpay and discriminated. That's why in the US the law protects worker to discuss about their pay. Moreover, more than two-third from 70000 workers feel they are under pay, and 60% from them have a tendency to quit from the company. That's why transparency about salary is the major purpose to make worker more trust to their company and they can measure about their salary by their self.
Dioba, you know what is obvious about the summary that you wrote? You did not really listen to the whole 7 plus minutes video before writing your essay. If you did, you would have heard two of the important and keyword terms that the talk was all about. Those two words are Information Asymmetry and Pay Transparency. Both terms help to explain the basis of the facts and figures that your current summary indicates. It explains the whole point of Burkus' talk. You have to train yourself to listen to the whole audio or watch the whole video file because the important aspects could be explained later on in the speech, as in the case of this talk.  
  
Information Asymmetry talks about the need to be open about information regarding the hiring of a person. It depicts the importance or drawbacks of allowing employees to share information about the salary. While Pay Transparency discusses how employees use the transparent information regarding the hiring process, specifically the salary being paid workers who happen to work the same job. The explanation about negotiation skills in this respect was something that should have been included in your summary. The aforementioned information would have proven the usability of pay transparency because the speaker cited well known examples or people who had used the same process successfully in running their own companies. The Pay Transparency talk shows that it creates a healthy competition among workers among other things.  
  
In my opinion, your summary would have been perfect if it was done in 2 paragraphs. The first paragraph explains the first half of the discussion and the second half, discusses the relevant information coming from the final part of the talk. That way the speech is represented in a balanced and well informed manner, even though it is presented in summary form.
**Here's How Facebook Actually Won Trump the Presidency**  
  
The CEO of Facebook Mark Zuckerberg hard to convinces the citizens that Facebook had not nefarious role in America election. While, the dicector of Trump Digital said that giant social media had effective to send the information to the voters. Trump's team use Facebook as their cmpaign media. It aim to give information to the societies if spreading hoax issue and inaccurate information about trump and to tackle it. They use twitter as well to promote trump as candidate of USA president. Compare with Clinton, Trump spend more time on social media than television; whereas clinton more like campaign in the televison than social media.  
  
Source: wired
The CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg,is hard to ~~convinces~~*convince* the citizens that Facebook had not had nefarious role ...  
While, the ~~dicector~~*director* of Trump Digital (...) media had been effective to send ...  
... Facebook as their ~~cmpaign~~*campaign* media. It aims to give information (...) about trump ~~and to tackle it.~~*happens*  
..., Trump spends more time on (...) campaign in the ~~televison~~*television* than social media.  
  
*Hi please proofread your summary before submitting to this forum. well, it is nice try, i am waiting for your next writing*
Hi Bambang, I have a few thoughts on your summary essay.  
  
- to convince~~s~~ the citizens that Facebook had  
- ~~not~~no nefarious role in  
-the American election.  
- had effectively sent~~to send~~ the information  
- to the voters.  
- Trump's team use Facebook as their ca mpaign media.  
- It aimed to give information to the  
- ~~societies if~~society who are spreading hoax issues and inaccurate  
- as candidate ~~of~~for the USA as president.  
- Compared with Clinton,  
- whereas for Clinton~~clinton~~ more ~~like~~ campaign was drawn in the televison than on social media.  
  
There you have it Bambang, I hope the above remarks to your revision and for future writing reference, maybe you can add a few more sentences to a summary and go a little bit deeper in understanding the story.
**TOPIC: Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
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Personally find it very difficult to address this topic, hope I didnt misunderstand the topic. Here is my finished essay, any suggestions, in particular, sentence structure, grammar and the reasonableness of the content, would be appreciated. Thank you.  
  
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Many small, local businesses are losing its customer base owing to a boom in chain supermarkets, and according to some, this will cause the local communities disappear. In my opinion, I agree that the communities will suffer as small, local businesses close but it is questionable that it will cause the death of local communities.  
  
There is no doubt that small, local businesses are hard to compete with supermarkets due to two reasons. Firstly, supermarkets are able to make better offer and provide a wide range of products to customers because they have stronger bargaining power and different source of supplies. Another reason people tend to shop in supermarkets is that, there are always some rewards associated with the purchases, such as fuel voucher. That is, small businesses can never have that privilege for their customers. Some businesses might consider to leave the area and looking for new opportunities. As a result, less and less businesses can survive in the neighborhood.  
  
Nevertheless, supermarkets sell goods with cheaper prices, some activities and shops cannot be replaced. Many locals still demand on types of market and unique shops even in a small community such as farmer's market, second-hand shop and so on, which are not the target products of supermarkets. Furthermore, many locals still prefer to shop in local stores due to their years of shopping preferences and close relationship with shop owners. Hence, it is difficult to say that one supermarket can easily destroy a community.  
  
To conclude, even though a community can be challenged to maintain along with the growth of supermarkets, I believe that a community with a variety of demand will continue to stay.  
  
(279 words)