dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Help!! My college essay is due tomorrow and I would really like some HARSH FEEDBACK! There are some places where I dont know what to put in it so any suggestions would be gr8. Aside from that I feel like this essay doesnt really have much of /Me/ in it, but i reeallllyy like this topic! DONT BE AFRAID GO HARSH W THE FEEDBACK!  
  
## many unanswered questions regarding the universe

  
  
I once read a quote by Stephen Hawking that stated, " Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." That night I stepped outside, looked up and saw trillions of stars that glistened like tiny shimmering diamonds everywhere I looked. They illuminated everything in the night giving just enough light to where I could see around me. I had never felt more insignificant in my entire life. So many thoughts and questions all of a sudden came to me. Questions such as: "Is there more to life than earth?", "What is the point of life", "Could there be more life out there?" With the universe being as vast as it is it is highly probable for life to extend beyond earth.  
  
There are so many questions regarding the universe that are unanswered and I am extremely baffled by this. I have always been the type of person to continue to ask a question until that question has a definite answer, but that is technically impossible with these types of questions as they regard the beginning of the universe, which we were not there for. We, as a society, have not a clue as to how the universe came to be. Of course we have theories, but none of them have been proven, they are all just speculations.  
  
Ever since I read that quote by Hawking, I go out every night and gaze upon the stars with all these thoughts continuing to run through my mind. Our world is too complex to have just happened conquinsidentily. For some reason this matters deeply to me. We only see the first layer of our universe and the deeper we go the more beautiful it becomes. When I want to find out something I will usually keep challenging myself, my thoughts, until I get an answer. In school I have a reputation of "the one that asks billions of questions on a daily basis." I usually get the answer to my seemingly infinite amount of questions, but with this question I have not been given an answer. (what do i do with this)  
  
(this paragraph is still a huge work in progress, threw out lots of thoughts in this one) That one quote honestly changed my entire perspective on the universe. I now want to know everything there is to know about my cosmos. It sparked a (something) in my mind that has lead to who I am today. There will always be questions that go unanswered in the field of cosmology and that is one of the most fascinating things to me. Imagine one single water molecule in the vast ocean. That is what the earth is, just one single object in an infinite world. The more I learned about this, the more I wanted to know more. It quickly became all I thought about and I hope to one day discover more secrets about the entirety of the universe.
Callie, the thing is, your essay is not designed to seek out the answer or even hypothesize on a single result stemming from a single event or question. The essay itself lacks a direct connection with one particular discussion. It would be better if you focus solely on the discussion about the earth and its existence instead of suddenly inserting that topic about the kind of person you are known as being in school. That discussion totally threw off the entire essay for me. It created a divergent line of discussion that, since it is divergent, cannot find its way back and as such, affects the overall essay presentation. In my opinion, you need to clarify a number of things:  
  
1. The thesis statement  
2. The discussion focus  
3. What you hope your final opinion or research result will be based upon facts or personal opinion  
  
Try to explain why you feel that you cannot find an answer to your questions about the universe. As of now, the focus on the quote from Hawking doesn't really do anything else. It just exists but without an actual purpose in the essay. The quote should have led you to some responses or at least suppositions about the universe that would have helped you present your understanding of its beauty and mystery.
## my older sister and me

  
  
" Your sister set high expectations for you" was all I heard throughout my whole life. I spent my whole childhood and school years trying to live up to my sister's expectations. I wanted to be like her so bad I realized I was losing myself during the process. My sister was top ten, Treasury in Student Council, all A's, graduated with a 4.0 Gpa in her graduating class. Meanwhile i'm trying to figure out how to live up to those expectations.  
  
My only older sister and I were always opposites,she is loud, outgoing, opinionated, while I hate voicing my opinions. She is good at math and writing, while I'm good at cooking and can't understand math. Even though we had our differences, I spent my childhood as the sister who was always misbehaving, getting in trouble, and didn't have good grades. I received in school suspension because I thought it was a good idea to start a food fight in the cafeteria. Also knowing I would, earn the " be more like your sister" speech and that's the reason I always got in trouble. I didn't know how to express my anger so it builded up until one day I exploded and rebelled . I always stayed grounded because I couldn't stay out of trouble, using vulgar language, detentions (everyday), and started getting into arguments and fights.  
  
I looked up to my sister growing up I wanted to be Just like her she was the smartest person I knew. We are only one year apart so I wanted to be close to her. I would do everything she did including hanging out with her friends, trying to go places with her, work at the same job as her, and everything. I know she was annoyed with me being around all the time but apparently I couldn't take a hint.  
  
I was excited to follow in her footsteps in the beginning, she was my role model for everything like getting good grades or praise of my accomplishments: I wanted everything she had. The problem was I was trying to fit in somewhere I didn't belong. It wasn't until high school that i realized I should try to be my own person and stop trying to be somebody i'm not. Me and my sister are close but I realize that we are two different people. My mom tells me " I never expect you to be like your sister, I want you to be yourself because i'm proud of you no matter what". That's when I started to be my own person. Now i'm a Senior about to graduate and major in something I love which is Culinary Arts. I won't fib and say anxiety doesn't creep up to be like my sister but I remember that I am Banita Taylor and I learned to accept that me and my sister are two different people and that's okay. This reflects the person I am today because I learned to accept to be the person I am and not compare myself to anybody else because there is only one me. My friends, my grades , my achievement,and dreams reflect Banit Taylor because that's who I am.
Banit, this is a pretty good essay. It just lacks a balancing factor in the middle. Something that says your parents knew you were a "rebel without a cause" so to speak and tried to help you understand that you didn't have to be the opposite of your sister for attention or to gain friends. If your mother was the one who told you that she would love you no matter what, then who was the one who told you that your sister had set "high expectations" for you? You need to be clear about who that person was and why the words coming from that person affected you in such a manner. That way, a balance is created in the essay and shows that you were not a rebel because you wanted to be, but because someone had set unfair expectations upon you. Rather than sounding so negative about yourself throughout the essay, why don't you try and explain the points that made you different and somehow, still let you shine in the shadow of your sister? Since this is an essay for culinary school, then highlight how cooking helped you get out of your sister's shadow and allowed you find who you are and who you want to be other than a clone of your sister.
Paul, the instructions you were provided with for the writing of this essays has asked you to reflect on the issue based on the arguments that were presented. The arguments were then supposed to be incorporated into the writing of your essay. The instructions specifically state that you have to make mention of the facts you were provided in the essay. Either through in-text citation or paraphrasing. None of which you did in your response. I guess you forgot to take note of that very important instruction. While the CLEP is a more lenient English test, it still requires you to follow the instructions as these are supplied to you in the prompt requirements. Your essay is based mostly on your knowledge of the events when, in the original prompt, you were clearly requested to; "synthesize the two sources provided" with your personal opinion. That means, you are to develop your discussion based on previously provided information, expanded upon by personal knowledge. In this case, you forgot the synthesis portion. In fact, you even forgot to paraphrase the discussion provided for you in the prompt. Just launching into the discussion based on your personal opinion, without first explaining the two points of view and then offering your opinion as the thesis statement makes the essay a bit confusing to read because the point of the whole discussion got lost in translation. Your grammar is acceptable. It is your discussion method that has created a problem for you.
Here is the topic:  
  
*It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?*  
  
## understanding the distinction between right and wrong

  
  
Answer:  
In fact, the skill to tell right and wrong comes from experience and good parenting, However, a lot of people also argue that punish is a necessary action to help them recognize the distinction between right or wrong. In my opinion, punish did not really help early children to understand. Therefore, I have to disagree almost all the given statement.  
  
It is very wrong and foolish if you punished a very young child because they did not understand what happened and why they get punished. However, once the children are reached a certain age, the parent can start to give a rewarded for a good behavior or discourage for a bad action. To using this way will be better than just harsh punishments and even have more positive impact. Meanwhile, the way to discourage them should be not bring the physical punish or inappropriate word. In addition, it will be better if parent or teacher trying to present the right action for them and give them the positive message though the action.  
  
On the other hand, it is also helpful if teacher and parent also becomes a good model because an early age children will neutrally fallow the adult. Therefore; to showing the right behaviors for the children from the begging is easier than trying to correct them.  
  
Overall, teacher and parents should show the good behavior and remember to give a reward to encourage child, so the punishment will become unnecessary and may also let them understand the distinction between right and wrong.  
  
Thanks for everyone who trying to help my essay, I really really appreciate you and your valued time. Thank you so much :)).
Chou, you cannot start your opening paragraph with the phrase "In fact". That is a term that is used to connote a stronger evidence of a previously presented piece of information. In this instance, you have not presented any information yet, so using that reiterating phrase is not applicable. You must first discuss something before you can reinforce your statement by saying "In fact..."  
  
You must familiarize yourself with the English terms that you want to use. Just knowing how the word sounds, but not how it is spelled will result in a disaster for your LR score. The following words were misspelled in your essay:  
  
1. neutrally (naturally)  
2. begging (beginning)  
  
You also need to know that the essays will always be written in present tense therefore, all of your tense usage must be in present, instead of past form. You made that mistake with the term "punished". You should have used the present tense of the word which is "punish".  
  
Save for these technical errors on your part, the message of your essay is clear. Your thoughts are easily understood and does not cause undue stress for the reviewer. If you can improve upon these problem points in your next essays (for starters), we should have you well on your way towards a passing score for the test in no time.
With the help of technology, students nowadays can learn more information and learn it more quickly. Do you agree or disagree?  
  
## the usage of modern technology for studying

  
  
It is no doubt that technology haves a vital and essential role in the development of our life, especially in education. Thus, I am in favor of the point that digital devices enable students learn more information in a fast way.  
  
One of the reasons why I totally agree with this statement is that internet includes such a wide range of information about all aspects of education that students can acquire much knowledge. Not only the information which students are seeking, but also other relative information are exhibited on the internet; therefore, they might click on in order to satisfy their curiosity. As a result, students access a world of knowledge and become more intelligent.  
  
Another reason is that digital devices also prevent students from spending too much time on searching for information to learn. Thanks to appearances of many web search engine such as google or bing, and creative applications, many students can have more time to review old lessons, instead of reading books in order to achieve knowledge. For example, with smart phones' dictionary apps, students can look up more conveniently and quickly. Furthermore, it usually takes a lot of time to find a new word in dictionary books, and portable technology is a better choice for them in order to save their time.  
  
In conclusion, digital devices which are means of seeking information quickly help students enhance their higher level of education. In my opinion, students should be taught how to use modern technology for studying in reasonable purposes.
Your introduction is a little bit short, and please do not use "totally" when you try to write an essay, trying to find another word to replace because this is an academic writing.  
  
One of the reasons why I totally agree with...... You might want to change this sentence, maybe it will be better if you put into the introduction?  
  
And you confused me when you suddenly talking about the internet because the topic is "With the help of technology", and did not include the internet, or maybe you did not post it?  
  
Your conclusion also short and it seems like you trying to open another topic about "students should be taught how to use modern technology for studying in reasonable purposes.", for me, you did not really give your essay a conclusion.  
  
PS: I am also a student and not a native speaker, but I do my best to give my opinion :))
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic  
**The most important thing about a job is how much money you earn in that job.  
Do you agree or disagree?**  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
Write at least 250 words.  
  
## job's satisfaction depends not only from a good salary

  
  
In every job, salary is always an important factor that every employee considers when choosing it. However , claiming that this element holds the highest significance is an overstatement to my mind. This essay will explain why I am of that opinion.  
  
Firstly, financial remuneration can lure job candidates to apply for a vacancy, but usually after being recruited they will make a comparison between how much they earn and the workload that is assigned. If the balance is not achieved, often leaning towards more duties than earnings, staff will gradually fall into a state of attrition, which leads to their being stressed and opting for resignation. Such mishap is quite prevalent as for fresh graduates because they ordinarily receive minimum wages for their lack of experience but their supervisors tend to allot many repetitive or arduous tasks to them.  
  
In addition, in cases of professionals in academic or researching fields such as physicists or astronomers, it's satisfaction and contentment in the jobs that sustain their commitment and dedication to their companies. This is because those specialists usually find the freedom to pursue their passion the most crucial perk in workplace; in other words, they are not tightly bound by money incentives.  
  
To conclude, although it is undeniable that every individual has to make ends meet no matter what their livelihoods are, money should rarely stand out as the vital element that keeps people happy in their jobs when other essential factors like liberty, work comfort or promotion are increasingly of great importance to employees these days.  
  
256 words  
Please help me review this essay  
Many thanks
@Vietanhdao you have not provided a proper format for this essay. This is very sloppy work that will not pass an examiner's intricate eye for detail and reasoning. Take for example, your opening sentence. You totally disregarded the grammar rules regarding capitalization and sentence structure. There is no clear paraphrasing of the prompt and you immediately discussed the essay instead of following protocol. You also say that the belief is an overstatement instead of saying that you disagree with the statement. Disagreeing with the statement and believing that it is an overstatement are two different essay topics. This proves that you did not understand the prompt requirements at all either. In terms of Task Accuracy, this essay will immediately get a less than passing score and that will affect your later discussions that somehow, run in accordance with the discussion expectations.  
  
Protocol dictates that you offer up complete sentences and paragraphs in order to get proper consideration for your essay scores based on specific criteria. While your essay does provide acceptable reasons and examples that support your belief, the main problem with your essay is that it did not do well in the main scoring consideration, the TA part. Added to that are the punctuation problems of your essay, where you constantly use commas instead of periods to indicate complete thoughts. Additionally, you do not take ownership of the statements provided because you did not use first person pronouns throughout the essay.  
  
The concluding statement is faulty because it continues the discussion of the prompt using additional information. The concluding statement is just a summary of the discussion you created. It does not allow you to present additional information because that would require additional explanations that will not fit within the 5 paragraph statement format.
**The government can take a variety of actions to help protect the environment. Which one of the following do you think is the most important for the nation's government to take to protect the environment?**  
  
**1. Fund the research to develop environmentally friendly energy sources such as solar and wind energy.  
2. Preserve the natural places like forests and protect the animals that live there.  
3. Enforce laws to prevent the pollution of air and water by large companies.**  
  
## environmental pollution laws should be implemented

  
  
Nowadays, environmental pollution has emerged as one of the most urgent issues of the government to handle and government is obliged to take necessary measures to protect it from contamination. Some experts have come up with three plausible solutions, from environmentally-friendly energy source development, to the protection of natural habits and wild animals, and to forbidding businesses to emit air or water pollution by law. Among all these three suggestions, I suppose that enforcing laws to prohibit air or water contamination by huge corporations is the best option.  
  
First, compared with the other two choices, implementing laws on corporate pollution is much more economical. If the government decides to invent new environmentally friendly energy, they have to recruit relevant experts and specialists, for whom it has to pay thousands of dollars to make the best of their brain and talents to get the project finished. Also, if the government decides to protect natural forests or wild animals, they are likely to choose a place as a potential spot of a wildlife reserve and then spend a tremendous amount of money contacting several construction companies to build this natural protection area. However, when it comes to enforcing laws to prevent the air and water pollutions by huge companies, it may just take a few officials to draw up the first draft and wait for the congress to pass it. It won't add any single financial burden to the government.  
  
Second, the law on water or air pollution is the very prerequisite for the other two solutions. Even though the government successfully innovate new energy sources such as solar and geothermal energy, the contamination issue wouldn't be well tackled if the pollution released by huge firms is so severe and even out of control. Similarly, one of the threats to forests and animals is man-made pollution, whether water or air. If no laws has been passed to put a curb on companies' emission of pollutants, the natural habits and animals dwelling there could be harmed continuously, even endlessly. Therefore, as we can see, it is vital to establish laws to ban companies from releasing and emitting their chemicals wastes or toxic discharges. Without these necessities, the other two options are just like buildings erecting without a solid foundation and someday it may collapse eventually.  
  
In a nutshell, among all these three possibilities, drawing up and implementing environmental pollution laws is the one I prefer.  
  
*P.S: I'd appreciate if you could help me revise my toefl essay. Cheers!*