dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello anna! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) Using of electronic devices **is** now more ...  
(2) ... media as a tool or ~~media~~**medium** to connect them ...  
(3) The most electronic devices that ...  
*The electonic device that is mostly used by people is handphone that provides many features inside*  
(4) ..., users can send **a** message, **a** chat, and **a** video call through (...) moving ~~locations.~~**to the other places**  
(5) Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, ...  
*Because sometimes they do not realize what they have told via text message in certain situations*  
(6) As a results, ~~the~~**these** two cases make ...  
(7) ... the worst situation in relationship**s**.  
(8) ... bring person~~s~~ in **a** bad condition.  
(9) It ~~makes~~**causes** them losing some friends.  
(10) Because it also spreads ...  
*Because it can spread fastly and public already know it*  
(11) Since it ~~can produce~~**may cause** negative effect ~~in~~ on private ...
**The table gives the results of two surveys, in 1997 and 2006, in which people were asked which communication skills were essential in their jobs.**  
  
The table gives information about the essential communication skills in people's job through internal and external communication surveys in 1997 and 2006. Overall, the most important skill needed by people was dealing with client as an external communication skill and listening carefully with colleagues as an internal communication skill.  
  
In 1997, the percentage of external aspect which was dealing with people at 60 percent. In the next nine years, it rose at 65 percent. Communication in knowledge of product or service and giving advice for clients was a slight increase by 6 percent and 3 percent. Only ability to sell product or service went down from 24 percent to 21 percent  
  
In contrast, all of aspects in internal communication survey within 1997 and 2006 rose respectively. Listening to colleagues was the highest skill among other which is 47 percent in 2006. Ability to training people and persuading each other in the office went up by 5 percent among 1997 and 2006. Making speech in front of employees become the most problematic from people because only 11 percent fell the essential from others.  
  
*   
*table*
**Hi Ifra..  
These are my corrections for your writing.**  
  
...essential communication skills in A people's job (...) surveys in TWO DISTINCT YEARS; 1997 and 2006. Overall, IT IS IMPORTANT NOTE THE EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION WAS MORE NEEDED THAN THE INTERNAL ABILITY. MOREOVER, the most important skill GENERALLY needed by people was dealing with A client as (...) carefully ~~with~~ TO*(Pay attention to collocation. Each verb has different collocation for preposition)* colleagues as an ...  
  
In 1997, the HIGHEST percentage of external aspect ~~which~~*(Each sentence has one main verb)* was dealing ...  
... it rose ~~at~~ TO 65 percent. THE Communication SKILL ~~in~~ ABOUT THE knowledge of product (...) 6 percent and 3 percent RESPECTIVELY.  
  
In contrast, all ~~of~~ aspects in internal ...  
Listening to colleagues was the ~~highest skill~~ MOST IMPORTANT SKILL among other ~~which is~~*(I don't know why you always include the conjunction, whereas you can put the preposition)* AT 47 percent in 2006. THE Ability to training people (...) went up by 5 percent ~~among~~ BETWEEN 1997 and 2006.
**The pie chart shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive. The table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during the 1990s**  
  
The pie chart gives information about the percentage of many factors causes the degradation of worldwide agricultural land and the table shows three regions that affected by many causes of land degradation during the 1990s. Overall, over-grazing is the biggest percentage of land degradation. Europe become the widest area which is affected by degradation  
  
Over-grazing is the highest percentage that causes land become less productive which is 35 percent of hemisphere. Illegal logging is a slight difference percentage with over-cultivation about 30 percent and 28 percent. Almost 7 percent is causes by other factor for the degradation of land.  
  
On the other hand, there was three region which the factors of degradation land happened there. Total land degraded is 23 percent in Europe and over deforestation is the biggest factor there. Oceana is lower than Europe in total land which become less productive but the over-grazing become the most problematic there because of the percentage is 11,3 percent. The smallest percentage is North America. 5 percent of total land degraded but all of factor that cause the land become less productive happened in North America.  
  
*   
*Causes Worldwide Land Degradation*
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
**\*a few errors in sentence structure  
\*repetitive [ineffective sentencing]  
\*appropriately selected information as overview even though with unclear/errors in the way it is presented**  
... of many factors cause~~s~~ the degradation of (...) three regions that ARE affected by ~~many causes of land degradation~~ THOSE FACTORS during the 1990s. Overall, over-grazing ~~is~~ WAS the biggest percentage ~~of~~ CAUSING land degradation WHILE Europe becAME the ~~widest area which is~~ MOST affected by degradation  
  
**BODY PARAGRAPH**  
  
**\*tenses errors  
\* sentence errors [subject+verb agreement, singular/plural issue]  
\*repetitive  
\*present data in some organisation**  
  
Over-grazing ~~is~~ WAS the highest percentage that causes land ~~become~~ BECAME less productive ~~which is~~ AT 35 percent *of hemisphere*. Illegal logging ~~is~~ HAD a slight difference (...) 30 percent and 28 percent RESPECTIVELY. Almost 7 percent ~~is causes by other factor for the degradation of land.~~ OF LAND DEGRADATION WAS CAUSED BY OTHER FACTORS  
  
... there ~~was~~ WERE three regionS IN which the factors ...  
Total land degraded ~~is~~ WAS 23 percent in Europe and over deforestation ~~is~~ WAS the biggest factor there. Oceana~~is~~ WAS lower than Europe in total land which become less productive but the over-grazing become the (...) because of the percentage is 11,3 percent.  
  
5 percent oftotal land degraded but all (...) the land become less productive ...
***The table gives the results of two surveys, in 1997 and 2006, in which people were asked which communication skills were essential in their jobs.***  
  
The figure shows the survey result about soft-skill in communication which is important for daily routines, asked in 1997 and 2006. Overall, the percentage of people considering that all aspects of communication to employee and public are essentials increased except selling product or service to the society.  
  
For knowledge of particular and dealing with people, there was a significant increase from 35 to 41 and between 60 and 65. The percentage of people asked by advising clients increased by 3 percent from 36. In the reverse, selling a product decreased by 3 percent to 21 percent. These were the aspects of communication with external of the company.  
  
To listen to colleagues was the highest increase of all points by 9 percent to 97 percent. Meanwhile, training people influencing and analysing problems with others had relatively same increased percentage by 5 percent to 30 percent, 21 percent, and 26 percent while making speeches and planning activities had 2 percent of median increment.  
  
(155 Words)  
  
*
Hi Ivan,  
Kindly find my remarks below as an additional help towards your writing. I hope this would be helpful.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The figure shows the information about~~the survey result about~~ soft-skill survey result in communication which ...  
- Overall, it can be seen that / it is noticeable that the percentage of people considering ~~that~~ all aspects of ... ("considering/concerning/regarding" should be without "that")  
  
- *one more sentence please*  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- ... there was a significant ~~increase~~growth(try to avoid repetitiveness) from 35 to 41 and ...  
- ... by advising clients ~~increased~~had risen by 3 percent from 36% .  
- ... selling a product ~~decreased~~declined by 3 percent to 21 percent.  
- These were the aspects of ~~communication with external~~external communications of the company.  
  
As you can see, my remarks are mostly about varying the words usage to improve your lexical resource score. You need to know that lexical resource is one of the fourth essential criteria in IELTS scoring system. I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice :)
Hi Ivan...  
These are my corrections for your writing. Before I review deeply, I suggest you add words when you write. This is very risky because you only write less than 160 words. Generally, most of people write this section 165- 175 words. Hopefully, you can explore more of your idea in the next term.  
  
... survey result about ESSENTIAL soft-skill in communication ~~which is important~~ for daily routines...  
...people considering that THE ABILITY OF EXTERNAL COMMUNICATION WAS MORE NEEDED THAN THE INTERNAL COMMUNICATION. MOREOVER, all aspects of communication to ... *(I suggest you create 2 sentences in the overview)*  
  
The percentage of people asked by advising clients increased by 3 percent from 36. In the reverse, selling a product decreased by 3 percent to 21 percent.  
**I ever told you that your job is to compare the figures. Subsequently, you are supposed to show comparisons in all paragraphs.**  
WHILE THE PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE ASKED BY ADVISING CLIENTS INCREASED BY 3 PERCENT FROM 36, THE SKILL OWNED BY WORKERS TO SELL A PRODUCT SHOWED THE REVERSE TREND WITH A DECREASE BY 3% TO 21%.  
  
Hopefully, you can be braver to compare the figures.  
Overall, you have shown the positive progress.  
GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR PROCESS
Hallo ivaan.. i dont know why you did not put any comparation in your essay. I think make essay without comparation will decrease your score in writing task.. you can put the highest and the lowest parts in your essay to compare them  
  
Let me to give you a sentence as an example  
  
*"The highest percentages between the composition in external and internal of communication in both years was dealing with people"*  
  
I hope it works and good luck!
The pie chart gives information about several things that make a decrease of land production and the table illustrates about impact of degradation of field for the three region. Overall, it can be seen that the greatest cause makes the land become a less production is over-grazing. Also, over-grazing become the biggest problem of land in the Oceania. Besides that, Europe has been the biggest problem for productivity land by deforestation, over-cultivation and over-grazing at 23 percent.  
  
The percentage of over-grazing is higher than deforestation at 35 and 30 respectively. The three largest is over-cultivation at 28 percent. In the North America over-cultivation become cause of less production of land at 3.3 percent. Deforestation is the biggest percentage to cause Europa land become less production at 9.8 percent. Then, Oceania has the biggest problem from over-grazing at 11.3 percent. Total of land that has degraded and is caused by deforestation, over-cultivation and over-grazing for the North America, Europe and Oceania is at 5.23 and 13 percent significantly. Over-grazing is the biggest problem for the land in the worldwide, especially in the Ocean.  
  
*   
*question*
Hello willy! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) ... several things that ~~make~~**cause** a decrease of land production  
(2) ... illustrates about **the** impact of degradation ...  
(3) ... the greatest cause **that** makes the land become ...  
(4) Also, over-grazing become**s** the biggest problem ...  
(5) ~~Besides that~~**Furthermore**, Europe has been (...) and over-grazing ~~at 23 percent.~~*do not mention any number in your overview*  
(5) In the North America over-cultivation ~~become~~**became****the main** cause of less ...  
  
Remember willy that this data describe about land degradation in 1990. So, you have to use 'past tense'
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
**\*flaws in paraphrasing question incompletely  
\*unclear overview [although had selected information to be presented as overview, it tend to less accurate in the way its structuring and inserting unnecessary quantity]**  
  
... several things that make a decrease of (...) for the three region IN PERCENTAGE.  
... the greatest causemakes the land become a less production is over-grazing.  
Besides that, Europe has beenthe biggest (...) by deforestatio n, over-cultivation and over-grazing ~~at 23 percent.~~  
  
**BODY PARAGRAPH**  
  
**\*only consist of one body paragraph which is ideally by at least two paragraph. Thus, it presented unclear or no grouping of information at all  
  
\*tenses errors**  
  
The ~~three~~ THIRD largestis over-cultivation at 28 percent.  
... over-cultivationbecome cause of less ...  
Deforestation is the biggest (...) Europa land become less production at 9.8 percent. Then, Oceania has the biggest problem ...  
Total of land thathas degraded and is caused by deforestation , over-cultivation and (...) Europe and Oceaniais at 5.23 and ...  
Over-grazingis the biggest problem ...
**Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanner and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others feel that they have resulted in a loss of privacy. Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?**  
  
It is generally assumed that the advancement of technologies, particularly scanner and CCTV, brings significant merits to our safety and security systems while some believe it merely leads to an adverse effect due to privacy loss. Although there is a drawback in the use of such technologies, I firmly believe the advantages outweigh disadvantages.  
  
Those who believe scanner and CCTV only result in the raising of crime rate related to one's secrecy are because of such sophisticated technologies used in the wrong way by irresponsible people. For example, I have ever read the case regarding to the use CCTV in the restroom as well as private hotel room so as to record pornography content. This pornography content finally became viral on social media and the victims sued for justice and brought this case to court, and this case is still being processed.  
  
However, I would argue this problem does not lie in those advanced technologies, but whom uses these devices. If these cutting-edge technologies are used in the right way by governmental official, such as police or security officers, then I strongly believe it will bring many advantages in the improvement of our security systems to prevent crime happens. For instance, there are many cases about smuggling drugs through airports that can be hindered or minimized due to scanner and CCTV installed in airports. In addition, if these technologies are harnessed for the sake of public interest, then we can have better society owing to crimes can be prevented to happen.  
  
All in all, although there is a demerit in the use of advanced technologies, I believe the benefits outweigh the disadvantages if such technologies are used by the right hands. It will bring an improvement in our security systems so that people feel safer than before. Also, it can prevent crimes to happen at the same time.  
  
306 words
**Question  
The diagrams below shows the life cycle of silkworm and the stage of the production of silk cloths. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.**  
  
**Answer :**  
  
The pictures below describe information about the silkworm life process and the several steps of making silk cloths. Overall, the first diagram is a four stage natural cyclical process starting from the eggs being laid by the mother worm and ending with the cocoon turning to moth. Meanwhile, the other is a man-made linear process beginning with selection and ending with weaving.  
  
The first step of cycle life of silkworm begins with the production of eggs and within 10 days these transform to larva. This is followed by larvae starting to eat mulberry leaves taking time between 28 days to 42 days. In the third step, with around 8 days, the larvae produces thread shells. This finally becomes a moth ready to reproduce eggs.  
  
Turning to another diagram, the second picture tells about the process of production silk cloths which has 5 steps. The first step selects good quality of silk thread from silkworm and putting the thread silk into boil water after that thread are unwind its usually about 300 till 900 meter long. Furthermore, the thread silk are twisted and dyed into pan to give a color. The final step weaves thread silk to create cloths on the woven board.  
  
*
The pictures ~~below~~~~describe~~**describes****the** information about the ...  
*in your answer sheet, you do not copy the picture*  
Overall, the first diagram ~~is~~**shows**~~a~~ four ~~stage~~**stages****of** natural cyclical process ...  
  
Meanwhile, ~~the other~~**another picture illustrates**~~is~~ a man-made linear process **of silk cloth prosuction** beginning with selection ...  
  
The first step ~~of cycle life of~~ silkworm **life cycle** begins with the production ...  
  
The first step **is**~~selects~~ select **a** good quality (...) and ~~putting~~**puts** the thread silk ...  
conjunction 'and' must be equal  
if you are using first step, it must be the second,third,fourth step..  
  
good luck
***The use of electronic media has negative effects on personal relationships between people.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Technology is important for our daily life. It aims to change the way we act and communicate each other. The problems such as not having time or distance can be solved easily. However, some people think that using technology affect our relation to others. I believe that using those will give a drawback, especially in the personal relationship.  
  
Using of electronic peripherals is so fun. You can entertain yourself by only one single click and the gadget will serve you anything you want. But, when you are sinking in the pleasure of technology, it will affect your behaviour, especially in the way of communicating to others. If we compare to the situation in the last two decade, they had to meet if they wanted to have a talk. It is totally different in the present when you are only using chat applications and connected every time and everywhere.  
  
Furthermore, it can affect our personal relationship among other. It is common for millennial generation to give the private information to the public. The research conducted by Mr. Akabane Karma at Tokyo University resulted that almost a half of the people using the internet had shared at least two posts which should be private. Some of them created posts about other behaviour, which can affect the relationship between them.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that using electronic peripherals are able to change the way to treat the others. Shared the private information can lead to affect the relationship between friends. As the modern people, the contents we will post should be filtered to avoid the drawbacks to the others.  
  
(265 Words)
The pie chart indicates the agricultural land becomes less productive which compared with the table features affected to the consequence of three regions of the worldwide during 1990s.In general,as we can see,the highest worlwide causes were over-grazing and region total causes were in Europe  
  
In worlwide,the amount of over -grazing 35% was highest which where it is also placed in Oceania with the number of 11,3% and it was highest number among region causes before accounted by total.The second highest number was placed by deforestation which accounted 30% and it is nearly as same as in North America which is 20% after changed to be decimal fractions, which is merely different 10%.The third positions were in over-cultivation 28% of worlwide causes. if It will be compared with Ocean region degradation in order to, the value of between worldwide and region were far different remarkably ,30% and 0.  
  
In summary,the result number between two comparances that do not completely fixed or steadily because,the total of region causes not accounted by overall
Hi Syukron,  
  
I think I am getting tired of reminding people about picture or chart that should be uploaded along with the essay. I just want to directly give you my feedback related to your essay in the detailed descriptions below. I hope you can follow through.  
  
Due to the high number of grammatical errors that you've made, I prefer to focus on your paragraph development. First thing first, try to read more IELTS task 1 samples. I believe that you can learn something from that samples. In some samples, it is clear that you are suggested to write in three paragraphs. It consists of introduction paragraph, the first body paragraph, and the second body paragraph.  
  
Your paragraph is quite messy. You need to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph that you make. This would help the reader to read and check your essay. However, no need to give opinion in this essay. It will be dangerous towards the final grade of your writing. I believe the words "less productive" comes out of nowhere. There is no information about that in the picture. You just need to say which one is the highest and which one is the lowest, as simple as that. If you take a closer look on the instruction, you will see "summarise the information by **selecting and reporting** the main features, and **make comparisons** where relevant"  
  
Lastly, it is better to write only one overview rather than two overviews. You have stated in the beginning part of your essay "In general..." but why did you say "In summary.." in the last part of your essay? One of them has adequately covered the necessary points to reach a high score.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hello!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. Your task appearance is not good looking. Does not clear paragraphing.  
The pie chart indicates ...  
<SPACE>  
In worlwide,the amount of ...  
<SPACE>  
In summary,the result ...  
  
2.Typo  
...can see,the highest ~~worlwide~~worldwide causes were over-grazing and...  
... in over-cultivation 28% of ~~worlwide~~worldwide causes...  
  
3. Punctuation  
In general, as we cansee, the highest worlwide causes ...  
Europe .  
  
Kindly check you sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation as well.  
  
Hope it helps you :)
Hi Syukron, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website to be helpful and even more so valuable to your writing projects. We aim and strive to provide you with the most accurate and credible feedback in order to strengthen your essay.  
  
Now, on this particular essay, as it is an analysis essay,it is advisable that you include the chart as this is the basis of the analysis, this is also the only way we can check if we provided you with the correct and credible feedback to enhance your analysis.  
  
Furthermore, as I read through the essay, it seems like you are having a hard time in coming up with sensible sentences that,in this case, we don't have the chart to compare with. For your next post, I suggest you do a second draft, make sure to include the pie chart and create a more solid analysis.I hope to read the revision soon so we can polish it.