dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Write about the following topic:  
**The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.**  
  
**What effects will these predictons have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?**  
  
## demographic situation in developed countries

  
  
Over the next 50 years, developed countries are forecasted to have some some problems such as fall of the birth rate. More than 30% of population of these countries are predicted will be elders with aged 65 and over.  
  
First of all, this can be affected to social and economic aspects in the industrial countries. Due to decreasing of the population, the number the number of productive workers probably become limited. Furthermore, less workers be likely decreasing the tax incomes and increasing the tax outcomes of the countries. For example, the high amount of retired people make official to subside them in healthcare and other things. Thus, the minimum of birth rate probably is cause of several issues in developed countries.  
  
However, some researchers already contribute to solve this case by offering some solutions, such as giving subsidy to family with new-baby-born. Government should provide the family with aid to healthcare for mother and child as well as food for the family. this solution are already used by a few of developed countries such as Australia, Canada, and Japan. In addition, Government should allow more immigrants to their countries, these people are expected to be productive labors in developed countries. Hence, subsidy for new-baby-born family and allowing more immigrants could help solve this issue.  
  
To sum up the writings, decreasing of population, especially productive labors, decreasing the tax incomes and increasing the tax outcomes are the effects of fall of the birth rate. Several solutions that I mention above could probably help to tackle this problem.
Nisa, in an IELTS Task 2 essay, unless you are writing a direct question essay, you are expected to first present an explanation of your understanding of the prompt requirements in the opening statement. It is only after that that you can discuss the response to the questions you were provided. Therefore:  
  
*The next half century will see the slow decline of the childbirth in first world countries. A third of the popular should be of the international retirement age of 65 or more in these specific countries. This essay will discuss projections of problems that such a situation might bring if the information provided becomes a reality. Regardless of whether it happens or not, it is important that safeguards against the potential problems be put into place this early in the timeline.*  
  
The next 2 bodies of paragraph should discuss, on an individual topic basis, one potential problem that will arise, then the potential solution that should be set into motion this early. The last paragraph should be the conclusion as this essay is the kind that can be completed within 4 paragraphs instead of 5.  
  
Good work on the conclusion though. The summary and paraphrasing of the discussion is right on target.
@nisarahma  
I am not master in writing,so there's little I can help you.  
  
I think you can use another way to express,like:  
However,some reserachers have already contributed to solve this case.They advocated providing government's subsidies to family with newborn babies.They also suggested that government should cover the expenditure of health care for mother and childs.  
  
I think the original sentence is too long,and the structure is too complicated to understand.So maybe you can try writing in short but precise sentences.Hope this can help you.
Briana, you need to write a stronger introduction to this research paper. Before you launch into the discussion of the negative effects of steroids, you should first explain why steroids were first developed. What are the proper medical uses for Anabolic Steroids and why did these helpful standards end up being abused later on? Your research is slanted towards the negative effects of Steroid use but that is not a strong claim because you failed to represent the downward spiral of the drug use among athletes. It was first meant to be a pain reliever but things went downhill from there. Try to present the historic use of steroids so that when you finally go headlong into the discussion of the negative effects, you will have convinced the reader that the research is accurate and non-bias in presentation. When you quote an increase in the drug use, you need to present the latest statistics regarding that otherwise it becomes hearsay, an unfounded claim that should not be believed because there are no facts to back it up.In fact, if you could offer a comparison of steroid use on a decade to decade comparison, the research should develop an even more authoritative level that will have a stronger convincing power upon the reader.
## impact of tourism

  
  
Topic: The tourism industry has grown enormously over the last fifty years, and there are few places which are unaffected by it. However, tourism rarely benifits the countries which tourists visit.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
Tourism, as one of the most important industry affecting a state's economy, has profound influence on the local countries. Some people argue the local can hardly get any advantages from it, while I contend tourism has brought many merits to the local country.  
  
The most important reason is that tourism creats employment opportunities to the local where many people could only rely their livings on fishing or mining previously. The rising hotels and restaurants allow local residents to work inside. Meanwhile, the locals can make business on their own.  
  
My second point is tourism serves as a platform of cultural exchange which promotes multiculture locally. By accepting tourists from worldwide, the local culture can be enriched during cultural infusions. Furthermore, tourist can take the local culture to their homecountry, helping expanding culture to different places.  
  
Finally, the promotion of local tourism elevate both the local infrastructures and facilities with the increase of its needs. To some extend, the construction of airport or highways facilitate the local people and makes their life more convenient.  
  
According to the reasons above, I beleive tourism brings the local a more prosper, convenient and multicultural life.
Qianting, the first reason that this essay will receive a failing score is because you did not appropriately paraphrase the opening statement. The second reason for a failing score is caused by your inappropriate discussion of the essay. You failed to follow the discussion instruction and because of that, your essay, no matter how nicely worded and presented, will automatically receive a failing score. Compare the two discussion points:  
  
Original Prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Your Response: I contend tourism has brought many merits to the local country.  
  
Compare the requirements of the original prompt with your response. I am sure that you can see how your response does not match the prompt requirements right? You are asked to agree or disagree with the given statement and you chose to discuss the merits of tourism to a country. You definitely ran counter to the prompt discussion in that aspect. The correct prompt representation would have been:  
  
*The past half century has seen a tourism boom among countries. It appears that no country was spared by the rise of tourism. While this is seen usually as a positive development, others argue that the tourism increase does not always translate into benefits for the host country. I totally disagree with this statement for a number of reasons.*  
  
If you had properly represented the prompt, then the rest of your body paragraphs would have been acceptable. Instead, you created a different prompt discussion in your opening paraphrase, which will result in a failing TA score. Once the TA score comes in at a lower than passing or merely passing mark, you will find it difficult to increase the remaining 3 band score considerations.  
  
Your C&C score will also be less than passing because you do not fully develop your paragraph discussions with the required 3-5 sentences. You are presenting discussions composed of run-on sentences, which is why you only have 2 lines per paragraph. This means that you are unable to not only properly discuss your essay, but you also cannot develop complex sentences and fully utilize your English vocabulary. These shortcomings will translate into lower than average GRA and LR score as well.  
  
A person using first person pronouns should also never say, "According to reasons..." because that indicates someone else did the talking instead of the writer. Instead, the proper presentation for the opening sentence should have been "Based on the aforementioned reasons, I believe..." BTW, you misspelled the word "Believe". You are scored on the spelling via the LR section also so be careful and always edit, revise, and review your essay for possible errors before submission. Don't lose points considerations if you can avoid it.
@Holt  
  
Hi Holt. I rewrite this passage according to your advice. Hope it will not be so poor this time.  
  
The past half century has seen a tourism boom among countries. It appears that no country was not spared by the rise of tourism. While this is seen usually as a positive development, others argue that the tourism increase does not always translate into benefits for the host country. I totally disagree with this statement for a number of reasons.  
  
First of all, tourism functions as a catalyst of the local economy by offering various employment chances. Before many natural places are transformed into tour sites, the local could only make a living on primitive industry, such as fishing or mining due to the tough natural environment. When the local tourism is developed, people can rely on service industry, for instance, hotels and restaurants, which not only augments their income, but also thrives the local economy in general.  
  
Additionally, tourism serves as a platform which allows multi-culture to prosper. With the influx of diversified travelers from worldwide, the local culture will be enriched through exchanging language, customs, and traditions between the local residents and tourists bilaterally. The local culture and ideology can be expanded to the outside world at the same time with the assistance of different visitors since they will also be influenced by the host culture being exposed to a foreign culture.  
  
Furthermore, the local infrastructures, like airports and highways, will be improved with the promotion of tourism because he rising number of tourists increases the needs in public transportation. In this way, the local residents could also enjoy these developed facilities which helps them to communicate with the outside world.  
  
Based on the aforementioned reasons, I believe tourism exerts a profound influence on a local place both economically and culturally.
@Qianting  
Your second draft is a massive improvement compared to your first. Grammatical and spelling errors, were drastically reduced. However, in your opening paragraph, I noticed that your copied verbatim what Holt had suggested in previous comment. Please note that, that was just to guide you in case of next time.  
  
Please consider the following corrections which I believe will further improve your writing:  
  
~~First of all~~ Firstly tourism functions....offering various employment ~~chances~~ opportunities...  
  
....because the rising number ... the need~~s~~ ~~in~~  for public transportation.  
  
Cheers!
Sandra, your essay is heavy on quoted information, weak on information analysis, comparative discussions, and supporting evidences within paragraph discussions. These are the reasons why you do not have sufficient transition sentences from paragraph to paragraph. You cannot just keep presenting evidence successively from various sources in different paragraphs. Each quote needs to be accompanied by a personal observation or analysis of the information that will compare it, in a certain manner, to the topic of the upcoming paragraphs. For example, When you say that American needs to introduce a more competent and tolerant society towards drugs, you could have done a historical comparison with the way that prohibition outlawed alcohol but then later on, the illegal substance was regulated and is now one of the biggest money making industries in the country.  
  
Your discussion of the Nixon war on drugs is weak because it does not have a proper background on the matter. Why was Nixon against drugs? What steps had he taken to curb it before he declared the war on drugs? This paragraph is necessary before you mention the 1971 start of the war on drugs. Remember, transitions only work when the background it strong. At the end of the introduction to his war on drugs, you can create a stronger transition statement that leads to the actual war on drugs being mounted.  
  
Compare the task force that wanted therapy as opposed to Nixon's stand on incarceration. Which rule was in effect at the time? Did it prove effective? If yes, why? If not, why? Remember, the idea is to convince the reader the decriminalizing drug use is the way to go. So all of your research should slant in that direction. Your current research, is so widespread that it doesn't really focus on the central topic towards the end.  
  
The section about the celebrities and their drug use is under developed and takes the focus away from the current discussion. I would omit that presentation instead. I would remove any paragraphs that do not focus on the decriminalization of drug use in America. I would focus more on doing a comparison of various states that have legalized drug use and possession in a certain manner.  
  
The essay would also be made stronger if you could refer to certain countries that have legalized drug use and then compared their current crime rate to that of the United States in terms of drug related crimes and incidents. That would have a direct impact upon your stance of legalizing drug use to a certain extent.  
  
You need to narrow down the focus and content of your essay. I don't think you are working from an outline at this point. Otherwise, you would have been able to spot the parts of the essay that can be removed from the presentation. You need to review what you have written and remove the parts that do not apply or have a weak reference to the actual discussion. At this point, the essay has quite a number of them that I am prevented from totally pointing out to you. Hopefully, the references I made at the start of this post will help you realize which parts to cut out, shorten, and organize in a better manner.
*please kindly revise the essay below from the perspectives of content, grammar and vocabulary.*  
  
## australian visitors statistics

  
  
Given is a table regarding information on the number of people in Australia who visited seven the most popular tourist destination in 1999 and 2009.  
  
It is noticeable that a dramatic increase can be seen in the number of Australian who chose to travel aboard in the decade. Moreover, among all the seven countries, New Zealand was the most preferred place to visit.  
  
In 1999, it is clear that the majority of Australian chose New Zealand to visit, with 500,700 individuals. The second most popular tourist destination was the UK, totalling at 400,000. However, China was less preferred by Australian, at 86,000.  
  
Similarly, in 2009, the number of Australian who chose New Zealand as tourist destination remained on the top with 1,064,000 individuals, a growth rate of 110 percent. In the meantime, it is clear that China showed a robust growth in the number of tourists from Australia, from merely 86,000 in 1999 to 300,000 in 2009. Last but the least, Fuji gained its popularity among Australians with a growth rate of 198 percent. (174 words)  
  
*   
*the number for New Zealand in 2009 should be 1,064,000*
LI , you failed to deliver an accurate summary of the essay in the sense that your opening statement is a cut and paste copy of the original prompt. The overview must always contain a prompt paraphrase, along with the trending statement within 3-5 sentences. Do not separate these into stand alone sentences because these are interconnected information that, when combined in a presentation, increase your TA, C&C, and GRA scores from the onset of the first reading of the test. I am not clear as to how you were supposed to develop the trending statement because, as per my analysis of the chart, the trend should be based on the percentage of visitor growth in line with the 2 years provided. In which case, it is not Australia, but China that had the most visitor growth rate at 256 % when compared to that of New Zealand which is only providing a 110% growth rate. I think you were not really clear as to how to create the trending statement for this essay or, you did not provide the complete instructions for the prompt which is why my analysis is different (but not wrong) when compared to yours. Your information is not as informative as it should be because you only focused solely on the number of visitors to each country, with the percentages incidentally mention. That is not the proper way to compare and contrast this chart. The format should have been:  
  
1. Overview with trending statement  
2. Chart information for 1999  
3. Chart information for 2009  
4. Growth rate ranking  
  
Only 4 paragraphs are required to gain a proper score for this essay task. A conclusion is not required in a Task 1 essay. Always aim to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph. It is useless to write only a little over the minimum amount of words, which is what you did here, because you will not be fully utilizing the opportunity to create simple and complex sentences, as well as show off your LR abilities. These two score increasing considerations may only be completed if you try to analyze the information on a deeper basis. By proving your understood and analyzed the chart on a deeper basis, which is what the 4 paragraph format is for, you will be able to aim to increase your final score in the end.
## food has become easier to prepare these days

  
  
It has been always said, "We are working and trying only for living and life is not possible without food". Food is one of three vital things such as: food, water and shelter which are necessary for every one of us to be alive in the world. People are hardly working merely to have a good and comfortable life. Whereas, food is an important part of our life, the way of making it is as well an important part of our life. Nowadays, after big industrial revolutions in the world cooking is as well affected by revolutions and improved. Now it's easier to have a prepared food at any time anywhere than before. In my opinion ease of cooking improved our lives but has some advantages and disadvantages.  
  
First, for those who work and have a lot of responsibilities time is a crucial issue than any other activity during the day even food. Ease of cooking has improved life of those who are busy because they spend less time in providing food and spend more time for their jobs. For example, since I am an engineer I have a lot of responsibilities such as visiting the site and sometimes I am on site while others are eating lunch. I go to my favorite restaurant near my office and eat the lunch. Although ease of cooking is good for those who are busier, they cannot taste the home delicious foods. Ease of cooking is good for some people but they cannot enjoy home foods.  
  
Second, advancement of technology has affected all parts of our life. Ease of cooking is one of those parts, because we have different devices for kitchen and cooking which has helped us to provide foods easier and in more comfortable manner. Nowadays our kitchens are equipped with modern devices such as mixers which help us to cook faster than before. In the cities we have a lot of restaurants which provide different and fast foods in everywhere and every time. All of those are important for every one of us because we are experiencing improved life. But we are going far away from natural taste of foods in our home and cities.  
  
All in one, ease of cooking has improved life of people but in the other side it has affected taste of foods. Ease of cooking is really important for those who don't have much time during the day, but they are becoming far from delicious taste of home foods.
Hi Nasser, I think you did the same mistake in this essay as I do always when I write an essay. That is, not addressing the prompt. I presume that the prompt want us to take one side and support it accordingly by explaining how this fact improved/degraded your life. However, you discussed the advantage and disadvantages of this change.  
  
I still have the same problem when I encounter new kind of prompts and I don't know what is the right practice for this, except reading others' essays feedback or uploading my essay here and getting exact feedbacks like what dear @Holt provide us(which I did't do it recently).
## communicable diseases issue

  
  
Nowadays, with the fast growth of civilization, communicable diseases remain an issue and even increasingly serious because of the change of weather as well as diverse other factors. CDs cause thousands of deaths annually. Therefore, as the public health worker in the future, I think I have the responsibility to improve this matter.  
  
A communicable disease is one that is spread from one person to another through a variety of ways including blood; bodily fluids; airborne virus; bitten by an insect. Some of the CDs are HIV/AIDs, dengue, measles, and so on. Those diseases are really dangerous.  
  
What need to be done is to provide people in communities with common knowledge of how to protect them from communicable diseases. The most important thing for the PWs is to learn and research this problem deeply and then apply this knowledge to communities. In order to do that, communication should be done by public health staff. We should do both direct and indirect to help people achieve common knowledge of infectious diseases. Firstly, direct communication is face-to-face such as talks, group discussions, home visits and tutorials, club activities, hands-on guidance, counselling, competitions, etc. Secondly, indirect communication is through mass media like TV, radio, newspapers, magazines and other information materials like posters, banners, manuals, etc. We need to provide clear, concise and helpful information about the causes, the pathogens, the symptoms, the risk factors that enhance the transmission, the preventive measure of communicable diseases. Besides, to use appropriate approaches to reach specific groups for communication and mobilization, paying more attention to face-to-face and small-group communication and peer education. In addition, communication also plays a significant role in warning people when diseases occur.  
  
In conclusion, it cannot be denied the role of public health workers in helping community step by step change their habits and behaviors as being recommended.