dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello BAMS!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
The line chart shows information about total of amount of money a city council presented to the book clubs during four year measured by pound sterling.  
Total = amount  
1. You should choose one of the, it wil be redundant if you pick all of the.  
2. You should put conjunction since there are two subject and two verb in your sentence  
2. You should put year here, time signal or when the survey happen  
The line chart shows information about the amount of moneythat a city council presented to the book clubs during four year measured by pound sterling.  
  
For next task, you have to put the picture so it will be easy to check your data accuration :)
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
Do not forget to attach the picture  
  
(1) The line chart shows the information about ~~total of~~the amount of money that a city council present~~ed~~ to the book clubs during four year that is measured by pound sterling.  
  
(2) Overall, it can be seen that the total of money which ~~is~~was given by city council always bigger than total of the book clubs.  
  
(3) The Total money stood at 20,000 in the first year after that it increased steadily by 3,000 in the second year from 20,000 and followed by a dramatic raise in the third year and peak at 40,000.  
  
(4) However, in the last period the trend changed to decline dramatically by 37,000.  
It is better to compare the line graph than you mentioned the data one by one  
  
(5) On the other word, books club ~~has~~had a reverse~~d~~ pattern with total money pattern.  
(6) ... then in the next year there was a slight decline by 5000.  
(7) In the third years, book clubs ~~rise~~rose significantly by 10000.  
(8) In addition, ~~trend of~~ book clubs trend always increased from the last 2 years and reached at 12000 in the last period.
To commence, one of the compelling reasons that justifies the thesis is that our knowledge functions as a shield that protects us from physical or emotional harms. The prime source of knowledge accumulation is by being aware of our past. Practicing such manner would make it possible for us to be aware of the miscalculations performed in the past and stop doing the same. A simple example of it is that we all are aware that a hot food can cause serious damage to our mouth and digestion system. How do we know it? Merely by recalling our child hood experience that putting something hot in the mouth would hurt and burn our tongue.  
  
Another equally important reason, if not more, is that knowing from the past creates a sense of belonging in a person. This sense is very crucial for a society to be prosperous. When members of a society are aware that they have a glorious past history, they won't perform criminal activities. This is very significant to reduce juvenile delinquencies which is an issue that all the nations around the world are struggling with it right now. A research conducted by the MIT University on twenty different nations revealed that the crime rate in societies that members are aware of their past history and have a sense of belonging is very small in comparison with nations that are not aware of their past. This vividly depicts that if we want a safe and sound society, it is imperative to give information about the past to our society members'.  
  
Last but not least, it is also palpable to resolve our world differences and conflicts by becoming aware of the past. For instance, when we study about Africa history, we can clearly understand that they were one united and peaceful nation, unlike now. So, if they had amicable and congenial relation in the past, it is possible to have it right now as well.
Hector, I am really sad that you did not deem it important enough to post the actual prompt above your essay. That prompt is really required so that we can give you a fair and balanced review of the strong and weak points of your essay. Right now, I am just going by what you have written and I will just assume that you are writing exactly what the prompt requires you to present. Please post the prompt when you can so that I can adjust my advice accordingly. Here we go.  
  
As I previously mentioned to you in a separate thread, you need to practice the correct formatting using the enter key. Please make sure that you do that with your succeeding essays. That said, I have to tell you that, grammar mistakes aside, I am quite impressed with the content of your explanation. It is logical and easily understood by the reader. The way that you present your evidence can be considered to be well informed since it is based upon common known facts about the need to understand the history of a person. The clear information you present is only marred by the formatting problem and the need to create slightly more complex sentences. The discussion you have presented is a bit simple and the sentences are using slightly complex formations which, depending upon the prompt requirements, could actually land you a passing to high score in the test.
Statistic tells us drunk driving is one of the leading causes of death in traffic accidents. In many countries, driving under the influence is already punishable by fines or prison sentences. The prison terms, however, are laid out more as upper limits rather than mandatory sentencing. If imprisonment is meted out at all, it seems to occur only in egregious cases involving lost of lives. Punishing first-time offenders by imprisonment even when no accident happens may sound harsh, but given its sheer deterrence value I would err on the side of public safety: If putting them behind bar for a year or two can potentially save just one live, I would say it's worth considering.  
  
Oftentimes people don't take seriously the peril of mixing drinking and driving together. A prison sentence for the first offense would send a strong message that the society would not tolerate behaviors that can kill. It would also be a service to those who lost their loved ones to drunk driving. I would not object to someone doing some mundane activities while intoxicated --- playing cards, watching TVs, whatever --- but to allow him or her to propel a chunk of metal weighing a ton or more at high speed would be inviting something tragic to happen. After all, drunk driving is easily preventable: do not drink when you are about to drive. Nothing more than a bit of self-control is required here. If you can't even do that and manage to get drunk while driving, you are a danger to yourself and others and you probably deserve to be in jail.  
  
In 2015, the World Health Organization reported that drunk driving was to blame for 26 percent of traffic death in Thailand even though the law stipulates a 60,000 Baht fine or a 6-month prison sentence or both for drunk drivers. I don't know how often the jail time is handed out, but the 26 per cent rate suggests that the fine didn't work and the prison sentence was merely an empty threat. Unless imprisonment is given heft, drunk driving will continue to be a main factor in road deaths.
Hey Chav, kudos to you for wanting to improve your English writing skills for no other reason than self-improvement. Your topic of choice is really timely and offers comes across as a decent opinion piece worthy of publication in a personal blog. You still have some grammar problems such as plural forms (bars not bar because a prisoner is placed "behind bars". A description of the metal rods that keep the prisoner in his cell.) but the complexity of your grammar and sentence structures are enough to judge you as an advanced English speaker.  
  
The only note or suggestion that I have for you at this point doesn't have to do with the formation of the essay but the information presented. When you write an informative opinion piece, you should try to present the latest information within the discussion. In this case, the information you present is almost a year old. I am sure you can find information relating to drunk traffic accidents for the first half of the year in your country. Presenting that information will make your essay more up to date, informative, and relevant to the reader. Aside from that, you really did a good job on the development of this discussion.
I think I just spot one mistake myself, "live" in "save just one live" should be "life" (is this right?)  
  
@sinahector  
  
You said it should be "cause" instead of "causes". I'm not sure I agree with you since it's "one of many things" so "causes" should be plural. (can anyone confirm please)  
  
The other two points are just a matter of style, I believe.  
  
And thank you for you comments.  
  
@Holt  
  
Thank you for your encouragement and for pointing out mistakes and offering suggestion. I still need a lot of practice and it's still a long way before I can write like a native speaker. It must have taken me at least 5 hours just to write this piece.  
  
I would appreciate if someone can point out further grammar mistake if there is more.
**Question :  
Technology like computer and internet made it easier to learn university subject frim home. What are the advantages and disadvantages of learning from home?**  
  
My Answer :  
Most subjects in university these days are able to access from home due to the development of technology. Althought this issue has benefits, the drawbacks should be considered.  
  
There are several reasons why distance learning is more useful. Firstly, student can be flexible toward the time course. For instance, students who have occupation are able to arrange their time when they have to work or study as well. This enables them to decided learning while they should work. Another reason is, that they are still living in their place. Most universities which located in big city require their student to live in around the campus or at least in same place. Distance learning make student can acquire the subject materials without moving to the nearby university.  
  
Although distance learning brings positive effects, there are numerous drawbacks for student social life. To begin, there is a lack of interaction between the students and their lecture. While it can be solved by technology which have a skype that helping them to meet each other virtually, it cannot be enough to understand the subjects such as science and engineering. Laboratory courses have also been linked to problem of distance learning. For several courses that they have to do in laboratory will be a consequence for them because they are not be able to run their experiment. Furthermore, there is influence on their relationship among students. If they spend less time in campus, they will have not enough friends to interact with.  
  
To sum up, despite the benefits of distance learning, the negative effects is more problematic. Those affect mostly in student social life.
Siti, you went over the word count by 20 words. Keep in mind that you must never go over the 250 word limit. Once you go over the limit you run the risk of being failed in the whole section of the test since you have proven that you cannot understand the simplest of instructions in the English language.  
  
With regards to your opening statement, you are expected to provide a paraphrased version of the prompt as part of your introductory statement. You failed to do that as well. The paraphrasing is an important part of the essay because it proves your ability to understand questions posed before you in English and that you are capable of restating the important aspects of the question in order to build your own discussion. The lack of it in this essay will have cost you another severe points deduction and an even lower band score.  
  
In terms of your conclusion. It is weak because it only covers 2 sentences when the minimum is 3 sentences per paragraph and that includes the concluding statement. So, while the 2 middle paragraphs of the essay work well for your discussion, your severe shortcomings in the introduction and conclusion would have resulted in a less than stellar band score rating. In my opinion, you would probably get a 4 due to the lack of certain important points in the essay relating to the introduction and conclusion.
Hi Ummasm, I'm trying to give some comments on your essay.  
  
1. This enables them to ~~decided~~decide learning while ...  
After 'to' should be followed by infinitive. In this sentence, you have to replace decided into decide  
  
2. The Distance of learning ~~make~~makes student can ...  
Because the subject is singular (distance for learning), you must use singular verb.  
  
3. In body one, it better for you to explain the reason of your main idea before you give example. It will make strong paragraph, or you can use only one idea and you give more supporting idea to make it clear.  
  
Thanks  
Keep writing
Hallo.. i try to give you some notes..  
  
THE Most subjects in university [...] the drawbacks should be considered. (Better you put the reason of its drawbacks and its benefits )  
  
... learning is more useful than conventional learning.  
This enables them to ~~decided~~decide (to infinitive, to+V1) learning while ...  
Another reason is~~that~~ they ~~are~~ still living in their place. Most universities which ARE located in big city (...) live in around ~~the~~ campus or at least in THE same place. Distance learning ~~make~~makes student can ...  
  
I hope it helps.. good luck!
Hi, umma ;)  
here are my comments through your essay  
  
~~Althought~~**Although** this issue has benefits...  
  
... campus or at least in **the** same place.  
  
Distance learning ~~make~~**makes** student can acquire ...  
  
... by technology which ~~have~~**has** a skype that ...  
  
... because they are not ~~be~~ able to run their experiment.  
  
If they spend less time ~~in~~**on** campus, they will ...  
  
Keep Writing~
@Holt  
Hi Mary :) Thank you for your feedback. It is helpful.  
however, I want to ask you about the number of word in IELTS task 2.  
As I know, it does not matter if we write more than 250 words, at least it is not less than 250. My teacher said that is better to write 260-280 words in task 2. what do you think? what is the best to consider the number of word in our writing?  
  
Regards,  
Umma
Hi Umma, please allow me to apologize. I had forgotten that I have not previously advised you so my words were presented in a manner that should have been more familiar to a student whom I have worked with in the past.  
  
The reason that I often recommend writing only 250 words, which is the minimum number of words is because you are not being scored on the number of words that you have written. Rather, you are being scored on your use of the English language, your grammar skills, comprehension skills, and sentence development abilities. These are all the core points that are being looked into when you write your essays. I have found that even if you present only 250 words, but you prove your abilities in English based on the required skills, you will pass the test with high marks.  
  
You see, just because you write a lot of words in English, be it simple or complex, doesn't mean that you have proven your skills in the necessary aspects of essay writing. In fact, the more words that you write, the more it might become obvious that you have limited English skills. While if you opt to write simple sentences or somewhat complex sentences and use simple to moderate vocabulary within the 250 word count, you will be able to better concentrate on perfecting the English essay discussion and presentation.  
  
You don't have to write a long essay. You just have to write a relevant response in an understandable essay. Even if you write a long essay but are unable to explain yourself clearly to the reviewer, if you cannot present properly developed English sentences in the simplest form, then you will have lost your quest to get a high mark on the essay. That is why I recommend a 250 maximum word essay to most students whom I feel will benefit from the presentation of a shorter essay. I hope my advice helps.
**Sorry I can't show the picture, because this exercise question from book.**  
  
The graph ilustrates the amount of money has given by city council to member of books club over a four-year period. Overall, between first year and second year there was slight increase. After that, followed rose extremely in the next year. Finally, in fourth year dropped rapidly. The number of member from first year to second year fell slightly but increased gradually until fourth year.  
  
As can be seen, The amount of money which has given from first year to second year increase by 2.500 and rose extremely from 25.000 in second year to 40.000 in third year but unfortunately fell to approximtely 35.000 in fourth year.  
  
In comparison, the number of members between first year and second year also decrease slightly from 15.000 to about 15.000. Then, extreme rose by 10.000 in third year. In fourth year members peak at 30.000. In second year until third year, both of them were equal grown up extremely.
Hello Alfakurnia, just a little suggestion, you can take the photo of your graph in book, then upload it. Or you can googling it just type the title of the chart, and it usually appears in search engine, because many people already upload it for IELTS purpose. Please upload it in the next essay that you create because it is necessary for another people to give you suggestion.  
  
And now, let's begin....  
  
The graph ~~ilustrates~~ illustrates the amount of money that has given by city council to the member of books club over a four-~~year~~years period  
1. Illustrates ---> You make typo here  
  
2. that ---> add connector to connect between the sentence: Take a look this :  
  
The graph illustrates the amount of money. It has given by city council...... etc. ----> It is actually separated like this, so you must add "that" as a connector  
  
3. the member ----> add "the" before, because it refer to your data.  
  
Overall, between ~~first year and second year~~the first and the second year there was a slight increase.  
4. Please make sure to AVOID WORD REPETITION in one word if its possible. You had mentioned word "year" two times, and i give you suggestion for fixing it.  
  
5. Add article 'a' because if you don't add it, it mean double verb. "A" is used in the beginning of your noun because increase if I refer to your sentence must become a noun, not a verb since you add slight as an adjective, except if you use "slightly", it means adverb so your word "increase" can be verb.  
  
Finally, in the fourth year, it~~dropped~~drops rapidly. The number of ~~member~~members from the first year to the second year NOT~~fell~~fall slightly but increased gradually until fourth year.  
6. PLEASE STUDY ABOUT THE USING OF ARTICLE "THE" AND "A"  
  
7. SINCE YOU DON'T MENTIONED THE TIME SIGNAL (WHAT KIND OF TIME SIGNAL OF THE DATA, IS IT PAST TIME OR PRESENT TIME), I CONSIDER IT MAY BE PRESENT TIME, SO I GIVE SUGGESTION TO YOU BY USING PRESENT TENSE  
  
As IT can be seen THAT the amount of money which has given from THE first year to THE second year increase by 2.500 and roseRISE extremely from 25.000 in THE second year to 40.000 in THE third year ~~but unfortunately~~ , BUT/UNFORTUNATELYIT~~fell~~FALL to ~~approximtely~~APPROXIMATELY 35.000 in THE  
8. IT CAN BE SEEN ===> PLEASE ADD "IT" as the subject., because sentence cannot be presented without any subject.  
  
9. CONNECTOR PROBLEM AGAIN  
  
10. ARTICLE "THE"  
  
11. ROSE ----> RISE (PRESENT)  
  
12. BUT and UNFORTUNATELY have same function to contradict, so choose one of them.  
  
13. APPROXIMATELY ---> TYPO AGAIN  
  
You still have 2 month again in ENGLISH STUDIO, So, KEEP MOVING FORWARD and BREAK A LEG !!!
Overall, between first year and second year there was slight increase. After that, followed rose extremely in the next year. Finally, in fourth year dropped rapidly. The number of member from first year to second year fell slightly but increased gradually until fourth year.  
  
------> be careful with singular and plural noun  
singular noun : you can add "a" before noun  
plural noun : you can add "s" after word of noun  
--------> in a sentence there are verb and subject, so be careful in each sentence, because as long as I read your essay, you make mistakes in S+v+Agreement.  
  
------> here is my suggest for your conclusion:  
Overall, between first year and second year ...  
  
it is important to note that, the amount of money increased slightly for the first three years, followed by a rapid drop in the last year. besides, there was an upward trend for the number of members over four-years period
Hallo.. here i try to give you some suggestions..  
  
**1. In paraphrase the question you miss understanding with other data about that there was 2 data, first about money to books club and the NUMBER OF BOOKS CLUB MEMBER  
  
2. there was A SLIGHT INCREASE  
  
3 AFTER THAT, IT WAS FOLLOWED BY EXTREMELY RISE  
  
4. IN THE FOURTH YEAR IT DROPPED RAPIDLY**  
  
I hope it helps.. good luck !
Hi Alfinkurnia, let me give some comments  
  
1. There are two spelling errors  
ilustrates ----> illustrates  
approximtely ----> approximately  
  
2. ... of money has been given by city council ...  
If you want to use passive sentence, you can use v + be + past participle  
  
3. Overall, between the first year and second year ...  
You have to use The + adjective/adverb to tell about superlative.  
  
Thank you  
Keep writing
1. The graph ilustrates the amount of money ... (need to pharaprase)  
  
2. After that, followed rose [...] gradually until fourth year.(again in this part you only need put the interesting one phenomenon from the data)  
  
3. ... to second year increase (INCREASED) by 2.500 and rose (...) in third year NEED COMMA but unfortunately ...  
  
4. ... of members (MEMBER WHAT ) between first (...) decreaseDECREASED slightly from 15.000 ...  
In fourth year members MEMBERS WHAT peak at 30.000.
The line graph shows the amount of money which have donated by the Council and the number of book club members who had joined. Overall, the two graphs have increasing in third year significantly.  
  
The first line graph informs about the money which has given by the Council that has the highest number in third year above 40 thousand pound. The extremely increase by 15 thousand pounds in second to third year. The graph not only always increase in each year, but also decrease in fourth year at 35 thousand pounds.  
  
The second line graph shows the number of members who had joined in club book. The graph always increases in each year from second to fourth year. The highest number of book club members had resulted in fourth year about 12 thousand people. The opposite said that the lowest number had given at approximately 5 thousand members.
Hi yuri, first of all, you have to upload the diagram so that others can check your data towards your essay :)  
  
**Your essay is UNDERLENGTH**  
*you have to check the number of words you wrote. good essay consists of 160-180 words in writing task 1*  
  
... of money which have **been** donated by the Council  
passive form --> have + been + V3  
  
Overall, the two graphs ~~have increasing~~**increased** in third year significantly.  
  
~~The extremely~~**an extrem** increase **happened**by 15 thousand pounds ...
Hi yurikeyuri. i want to give you some suggestion.  
i hope it will be useful for you.  
  
i found a repetitive in your essay which you mentioned "thousand pounds" three times. to avoid a repetition i think you should mention it in your introduction, so you shouldn't mention it again in your body of essay.  
  
... amount of money which *has* donated by the Council ...  
Overall, the two graphs ~~have~~~~increasing~~ increased in ...  
  
... number in third year *at* above 40 ~~thousand pound~~ . ~~The extremely~~ increase The picture increased extremely by 15 ~~thousand pounds~~~~in~~*from* second to third year. ~~The graph not only always increase in each ...~~  
  
however, the graph witnessed an increase on every year, it decreased over fourth year at 35.  
  
good luck and keep writing! :)