dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi alfin, these are my thought towards your essay (partly)  
  
firstly, you should have to include your image regarding to the topic, it will help us to examine your essay.  
secondly, you have to make sure your total words are at least 150.  
  
From that graph, ~~as we know all~~ people have equal troubles , ~~consist of~~such as education, healthcare, and economy.  
  
As can be clearly seen, people who sorting out finance when ...  
[ i have an alternative sentence : to begin with, people who are sorting finance when they 18 to 34 years old had the highest level at approximately 33 percent]  
  
thank you
1. Overall, the lowest problem for people ~~when~~ live in other countries is finding education ...  
  
2. it can be clearly seen that people ~~who~~ sorting out finance at 18 to 34 years old are the highest ~~percentage~~ at approximately 33 percent.  
  
3. In contrast, both of people who (...) and over 55 are sorting out healthcare.  
  
4. Aged of people who find school for children are an extreme increase from 6 percent (...) 35-54 percent, and it is a rapid fall in over 55 years old by 15 percent.  
  
better for you to input this picture because reader has weakness to write your essay
Hi alfinkurnia, let me give you some suggestion  
  
1. Please includes the picture to understand about your essay.  
  
2.. ... when live in other ~~country~~countries is finding education ...  
other should be followed by plural noun. So you cannot use 'country' because it is singular. Chang it into plural (countries)  
  
3. ... when 18 to 34 years old ~~is~~are highest at ...  
It is about singular and plural. 'People' is plural, hence you have to use 'are' as plural verb.  
  
Thank you, Keep writing
Hello Alfin, let me give my correction for you  
  
... for people when ~~live~~living in other country is ...  
  
~~Aged~~age of people who find the school (you mean "age" because "aged" not right in early word of the sentence" and "school" need article "the")  
  
Moreover, they ~~has~~have the highest percent ... ( "they" is plural subject, so you must use plural verb too")  
  
thank you
**The graph below gives information about international tourist arrivals in five countries.**  
  
A breakdown of the number of foreign visitors who come to the five countries between 1995 and 2010 is revealed in the line graph. The total data of visitors are presented in millions. Overall, the United State has been the highest visitors which was a steady rise from 1995 to 2010 if is compared with other.  
  
As can been in the line graph, the USA and France saw an upward trend which experienced a marginal rise and France witnessed a sharp incline during the years. Among one-half decade, in the USA started at just over 70 million visitors in 1995 and climbed to about 80 million in 2010, while France reached a peak of 80 million in 2010 after soared by 30 million between 1995 and 2010, and then experienced a significant increase to that point.  
  
Whereas, Malaysia saw a slight increase during one first decade and then rose dramatically to peak at just under 50 million of visitors. While, both countries included Egypt and Brazil had started in the number of visitors that close behind and saw a slight incline with small gap in the end point, where Egypt has been higher than Brazil by about one in twenty of foreign visitors. (204 words)  
  
*
... at just over 70 million visitors in 1995 and climbed to about 80 million in 2010, while France reached a peak of 80 million in 2010 after soared by 30 million between 1995 and 2010...  
  
... at just under 50 million of visitors. While,[conjunction==> sentence+while +sentence// while +sentence+comma+sentence// or you can use MEANWhile in front of your sentence both countries ...  
  
==>you have mentioned unit in introduction, so you do not need to mention again in body paragraph
Faiz, remember that you ONLY have 40 minutes to compose an IELTS task 2 essay. It is also necessary to write at least 250 words minimum. Writing 502 words like what you have done will bring detrimental effects towards your IELTS task 1 essay. You can just aim for 280 - 300 words for this type of essay in order to make you spend an adequate amount of time without taking the precious time of Task 1. Let me help you summarizing the introduction paragraph. I hope you can follow through.  
  
*It is believed that children are better suggested to start learning foreign language at elementary level rather than secondary level. I would argue that even though learning foreign language can possibly disturb their second language acquisition, early foreign language learning will broaden their horizons and bring more knowledge about language.*  
  
As you can see, it might look simple, but it already represent all the necessary information for an introduction paragraph such as, question's paraphrase, opinion, and outline of the ideas. I hope you can do better next time by considering the above-mentioned feedback :)
**Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.**  
  
Some people think that to create the best children's development can be obtained by teaching them at home. Others, however, think that school plays a vital role towards pupils. I am strongly believe that these methods have its own benefits for children.  
  
Expanding knowledge for students can be actually done at home. One possible good point is teachers are able to be more focused on teaching and finding out obstacles for each individual, since they only educate a few students. Another merit is children have a considerable amount of time, and they can choose personally when they are ready to accept scientific or linguistic subjects. It is because children cannot be forced to concentrate all subjects in certain time according to a psychologist, Stuart Mark. He reveals that children experience to have less concentration at 11 am - 1 pm. Consequently, it is a difficult time for teaching them at the time.  
  
On the contrary, pupils who study at school should spend their time from 7 am to 12 pm or even more. It differs from boarding house students. However, they still get some advantages, such as brush up on social skill. I believe that it is one of development activities to socialize with their peers, and they cannot afford this at home. Another strength is pupils can build their competition sense at school since they are trained to develop their mindset in the future careers.  
  
In conclusion, I would argue that teaching children at home can help children to resolve their problem swiftly and improve their learning ability by raising their concentration at certain time. However, studying at school can also enhance their social skill and establish a sense of competition towards students. (283)
Septia, are you in a rush or what? It seems to me that your introduction is too simple. You cannot reach more than 5 if you didn't give outline of your ideas in the introductory paragraph. If you see this sentence "I am strongly believe that these methods have its own **benefits** for children." , it will trigger some questions to the reader. Benefits? what are the benefits? is it truly beneficial? or is it just an assumption that it "might" be beneficial?. Let me help you adding an additional sentence that is appropriate for an outline.  
  
*Thus, this essay will discuss, first, teacher focus is enhanced in homeschooling, and second, social skill will be improved when the children study at school.*  
  
I would say that actually, your conclusion has stated clearly about the outline of your ideas. Then why didn't do the same thing on the introduction? Therefore, I hope that you can compose a better essay by considering the above-mentioned feedback. :)
Hello I have been finished read your essay this is my opinion for your writing.  
  
first, you must remember in part one you should write at least 150 until 165 words.  
second, you must using various sentence or words, and attention your grammar and speeling.  
overall must put in introduce, don' input number in first paragraph.  
  
Secondly, you have to focus on how to develop the idea coherently, i mean here is the way you arrange the structures of your sentences are not looked like academic-written style. This is due to the fact that you did not put order to your sentence. The first body paragraph is the perfect example for this, it is far better if you explain the idea of academic pressure in the first, the followed by second, and third to simplify that you really arrange your sentence orderly.
**What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?**  
  
As the impact of civilisation improvement, all nations in the worldwide prepare their self for their idea to be a millennium country. Preparing their future generation becomes the biggest preparation for them. But sometimes, big pressure has to be deal by children for making the idea comes true. Especially in academic life, students have to face out hard curriculum, spend most of their time with it, and feel under pressure because of that. This essay will first discuss about how academic could make children feeling high pressure, and then talk about how changing of curriculum be the best solution.  
  
Nowadays, schools, teacher, books, and all of things that relate to education become something that is avoided by children. Too much pressure for improving their cognitive makes them exhausted and saturated. Owing to the fact, which is revealed by a children psychologist, most of children felt great stressed because of pressures that they got in academic. A plenty of them even had willingness to refuse next degree of education since they think what they got in school only pressure that make them uncomfortable. It also affects to their social and commercial perspective which damage due to their feelings.  
  
However, there is one solution that we can do to prevent this continuity pressure, which is by changing of curriculum. It is proven by most of schools in Purwokerto, Indonesia, they changed the curriculum to the flexible one, which students only attend to school five days a week, and only spent six hours at school. It makes students delightful since in the rest of time they can spend it by playing and helping their parents in farmland.  
  
All in all, education is a main necessary for children, but too much pressure is not good for them. Designing curriculum for children is the best way for reaching both health and smart generation.
HOWEVER, THERE IS A PERFECT SOLUTION THAT CAN BE TAKEN TO STOP THIS CONTINUOUS PRESSURE, IT IS BY MODIFYING THE CURRICULUM. IT IS PROVEN BY THE REPORT FROM CNN THAT SHOWS ALMOST ALL SCHOOLS IN PURWEKERTO (ONE OF THE REGIONS IN INDONESIA) HAVE ALTERED THE EDUCATION SYSTEM TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE THANKS TO THE GOVERNMENT COMMAND. THIS OBLIGATES STUDENTS TO ATTEND THE CLASS ONLY 5 DAYS IN A WEEK WITH 6 HOURS LEARNING DURATION PER DAY. THE RESULT IS AMAZING, THE WELL-BEING OF THE STUDENTS INCREASE SIGNIFICANTLY SINCE THE FIRST YEAR APPLIED, AND THE PERCENTAGE OF ABSENTEEISM EXPERIENCES A DOWNWARD TREND. ALL OF THESE IMPROVEMENTS IS BECAUSE OF THE LESS PRESSURE GIVING BY SCHOOL.
Hi I want to give some comments  
  
1. ... all nations in the worldwide prepare ~~their self~~themselves for their idea ...  
  
2. But sometimes, big pressure has to be ~~deal~~dealt by children for making ...  
You can use passive by using V3  
  
3. how changing of curriculum can be the best solution.  
You need to add verb, because there is no verb  
  
Thank you  
Keep writing
**Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.**  
  
Nowadays, there are two types to give education for children. Some people argue that giving education at home is the best solution for a child's development. But others believe that school is one of education media that it is integral for children. Personally, I believe that for each type of education media has some benefits, such as with teaching children at home can make them more focus on all of materials of lesson and if they get education in school, it can make them easily to communicate with others or they can study together with their friend if they do not understand with materials in classroom.  
  
To begin with, owing to the fact that children can more focus on lesson if they study in a small group or they get intensive learning. It can get if they study or private at home. According to the latest research of Education System New Zealand in 2014, 59 percent of children who get education with private system can more active to ask about materials that they do not understand and overall they can get high score after they did final exam, also they can continue their study in the best high school in New Zealand. As a result, with teaching children at home can make them simple to get education without waste time to go to school and they can get the best score due to intensive education system. So, all of it can help children to develop quickly in academic.  
  
On the other hand, due to the fact that school is one place that children can develop in several aspects, such as social with interaction with others and attitude with they use uniform to go to school. Besides, if children study in school they can develop quickly because they can learn with many teachers with different skills and ability to teach students. With reference to Children and Education Queensland in 2010, 83 percent students can development in some aspects if they study in general school because school has specific method to teach their students, moreover students can discuss with their friends about material in class. As a consequence, teaching children in school is integral to make them more develop not only in academic but also social.  
  
To sum up, actually all of methods to teach children can give positive aspects to development children. Learning at home can make them develop quickly in academic and teaching in the school also can make them easier to interact with human in social communication. In my opinion, I will interest if I can study at school because I am enjoy if I study with others because I can discuss if I do not understand with subjects lesson in the classroom.
***Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.  
  
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion*.**  
  
Some people argue that homeschooling is the best method for children since it is good for children's growth. However, others say that going to school is essential activity that has to be done by children. This essay will discuss how homeschooling will be effective to children's learning process and attend school will be good for children's social life.  
  
Children who are taught at home, will experience effectiveness in learn because the teacher or parent (as a teacher) will know how their children learn. If they find their children are hard to understand some materials, the teacher can swift the method without any frenzied. For example, a visual child who firstly is taught by auditory pattern, when the guide have known the learning style and the obstacle to digest the matter, the guide can change and do other approaches which child can be more understand without worrying others (students). So, I think it will be good for children in which they can freely receive the materials closely and offer many question for deep comprehension.  
  
On the other hand, school as a medium of education is also good place to socialize with others. In my observation, many children encounter their best friend at school and some of their achievements are reached from school. In New York Time survey that seven from twelve people having best friends whom they met at school and ten of twelve confessed that their attainment mostly get in the school such as Olympiad, best student, first rank, etc. Therefore, personally I think that school can give long last experience to children in academic and social life, which influence their adulthood.  
  
To sum up, it is good for parents to instruct their children at home because they can give the best method and the best teacher to teach their children blissful and effectively. On the other part, going to school will not be only as a place fro children to learn, but also they can make friends. So, the choice of learning depends on the demand of children and parents' guide since homeschooling sometimes take much money. 346w
Anna,  
Here's my feedback for the first and the second paragraph of your essay. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- As far as I know, this is the most appropriate paragraph among your friends. You have simply paraphrase the question and outline your ideas clearly. Yet, the thing that is missing is your "opinion". You forgot to give your own opinion before the outline. Since an opinion is necessary to be given due to the prompt requirement, this paragraph might be considered as "answer partially" not "fully answer" the prompt given.  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- This is the only paragraph amidst all that has two brackets. I have never seen any sample answers that put bracket inside the essay. Thus, I suggest you to NOT put them again in the next practice. Also, placing the comma is crucial. Try to differentiate this "Children who are taught at home, will experience effectiveness..." and this "Children who are taught at home will experience effectiveness..." . It has different interpretation right? I think the blue one is the most appropriate sentence format.
**Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.**  
  
Nowadays, education system for kids can do in home, it is called homeschooling, some people argue that, developing of children will greatest if lesson is done in home, while other believe that, going to school is better than homeschooling. This essay will discuss the gains this argument, and i believe that teaching kids in school makes them to have good communicate, they can more regulate and explore their self.  
  
Recently, homeschooling have became new way of parents to give education for their children. Teaching in home have benefits such as children more focus on subject that is learned, it is caused they can ask and get more explanations, when they do not understand about the lesson. Children have more time to study and whenever they want. On the other hand, this system makes parents can control their child regarding study and social life. Based on the Australia article, explained that 65% children in Adelaide know about their passion in a subject or learning, and it made them more focus to improve their ability. However, it is a great way to make kids more understand, but it will have negative effect for their socialization with other friends. So, going to school is more important.  
  
School is a place where students can meet more friends, and finding best friend in their social life. They will more explore their self because there are many choice about skills. Teacher have prepared some sports, arts, or other ability which can be chosen of pupils. It is same with studied of Brain at Bristol University, he explained that schools is the best place to make students incline their knowledge in several aspects, and 65% kids more enjoy when they are in school, because they can find new friends.  
  
In conclusion, getting lesson in home is good solution that can be done by parents to control their children, but teaching in school more effective to increase their ability, social life and explore skill of them to face modern era in this time.(333w).
Nowadays, education system for kids ...  
this is vague sentence because in one sentence consist of many verbs and only divided by comma without conjunction, the solution is you can divide to two sentences or create compound complex sentence (use conjunction and subordinating conjunction)  
  
... gains this argument, and i believe that teaching kids in school makes them to have good ~~communicate~~ it is verb if you will change to noun use COMMUNICATION, they can more regulate ...  
  
notice the red one which is I mark, I is subject and makes is your verb in S + V AGREEMENT (I YOU THEY WE always use plural verb and plural verb usually without s >>> make = plural verb, >>> makes= singular verb.  
  
you can revise and learn by your self.  
  
good job.
**Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.**  
  
Nowadays, several people argue that homeschooling is the best way for teaching the children and observe their improvement in studying, while other people believe that the best method for children's education is in the general schools. This essay will discuss the perspectives based on those both methods with accompanied by a reasonable conclusion.  
  
To begin with, the several statements which reveal that homeschooling is more advantage based on its methods which exclusive and obviously private for discovering the children competency. For example, homeschooling as well known from its private teaching methods where occasionally on teacher only handling one child for certain time duration each day. Hence, there is more opportunity for the teacher to explore the best quality of the child in academic and also can give the child the best method in teaching which suitable for the learning style of the child. Additionally, according to the research of Educational Psychology Association in Britain has presented that the children who got the education by home schools became easier found their talents or more understandable with their self-competency in the study rather than the child from general schools by 7 % gap of both methods. Thus, sometimes the parents more attractive to select the home schools as the best method for the education of their children.  
  
On the other hand, some people believe that general school is more benefit because in there the children are not only exercised for exploring their knowledge but also be combined by several methods for developing the social skills of the children. However, in the children developmental stages, the ability of social interaction in child-self is the ones of the best and the important matter of creating the optimal of Emotional Quotient (EQ). In addition, a reference from the statement of Developmental and Educational Children Association in the USA has depicted that the children who got the education by general schools method or gain the opportunity to interaction with another child in the class will be more adaptable and sociable rather than the child who not gain this experience. Therefore, the children who learning in general schools have higher EQ score by 26 % than the child which gain the private class.  
  
To sum up, both of educational methods have each benefit for giving the best solution to increase the development of children academic skills. But the consideration of the parents in preparation the educational for their children also be needed for this decision. (404 words)