dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you go?**  
  
## First China, then Australia

  
  
Everyone love to travel around the world. I would obtain a chance to go abroad nation then I would go in china. In this essay, I will examine a reason behind, why I want to go china  
  
Although china has a myriad thing to see. First of all, I am going to see Great Wall of china because it includes in seven wonders of the world. Additionally, in the night it looks spectacular and its great attraction for tourists. Secondly, I heard from my sagacious mentor, however, she told me about Chinese food so personally, I would like to go the divergent restaurant and keen to eat Chinese cuisine. Furthermore, China is famous for its enormous building, indeed, I am looking forward to seeing it and likewise work at a construction site as because I want to see diligent labor.  
  
Moreover, I personally like to visit a faculty, as because China comprise of cutting edge technology at the university level. In addition, willing to look for science exhibitions, that are held at a university level. Albeit, I would curious to look for its art. Firstly, tradition dress, secondly, picture of landscape picture of the landscape of eminent Chinese personalities and also of an ancient collection of divergent unique things. I would like to meet Jackie Chan, likewise want to see Chinese malls and splendid temples. Furthermore, library would be one of the most important as because I am an avid reader of book. Importantly, transportation system and flow of traffic and underpasses as well as roads.  
  
In conclusion, after visiting China my second destination will be Australia.
Hey!  
A couple of things. First, you ought to capitalize every instance of China in the essay. It'll go through a word processor because they confuse it with the object, but you're talking about a country.  
  
Don't add that last bit about Australia, because you never talk about it and it doesn't help you answer the prompt.  
You have a couple other grammatical issues, but I'm sure you can handle those. Your content is good, however.
**in the contemporary era , as significant amount of money is spend on arts . Some people think money should spend on arts whilst other ponder that money should spend on public services .**  
  
## Is it worth to invest in Arts?

  
  
Admittedly , as art represent culture heritage of the country. There are manifold reasons that money must spend on arts . First of all , art can soar economy of the country . For instance , Turkey is famous for it is art , overwhelming majority of tourism come from divergent nations , although picture of landscape are in demand , yet Turkey is taking more and more concern towards art . Similarly , some people have creativity of making different pots , so they are export to other countries . Moreover , some musical theatre are abject source of happiness .  
  
Nevertheless, a lions share money should highly spend on public service. Likewise , enriching the infrastructure such as building , road and electricity is the first element for sucess . However , establishing hospital with advance medical instrument and specialist doctor as will no taxes for poor . Albeit , imposing taxes on affluent , all money should go for philanthropic organization. Although improving job facilities providing indiviuals job so they can rudimentary neccesity of life . Furthermore transforming advance transportion and such as bullet train and modern bus , as well as low fare ticket .Government proving food , accomodation and clothes to philanthropic welfare . Building academic education on the inexpensive way as well improve it .  
  
Ultimately , art is important , yet minuscale amount of money should spend on arts wheras enormous money on public service . Similarly , proving opperunity to every citizen by giving them jobs on merit[
@Omerzafar  
If I were you, I wouldn't start my writing with an adverb. Instead, I would write a general topic sentence representing the whole paragraph.  
  
My suggestion: There is no dispute that art represents a country's cultural heritage and the richness of its history.  
Then you can take a number of examples and provide various reasons proving your point. So, your third sentence which points to the role of art in a country's economy could itself be a topic sentence for your second paragraph.  
  
Also, you shouldn't use space before ",".
**Some people believe you are never too old to learn.  
How strongly do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience?**  
  
It is irrefutable to say that, education plays a pivotal role in life. Some researchers analyse and say that, you are not too old to learn new skills and while on the other hand, some opine this statement. The following essay would discuss on the both sides of the statement with the help of reasons and relevant examples.  
  
There are myriads of reasons in the favour of education and learning new skills. The most conspicuous one is that, learning is very important to survive in this contemporary era. Technology is changing rapidly and due to drudgery of advancement of technology, robust and artificial intelligence taking place of workers in factories. For instance, BHP Billiton worlds' biggest mining company deployed robots. In addition, learning also improves person's creativity and imagination. As a result, this helps a person to invent new things which can help our society to live properly. Hence, it makes clear learning new skills are very important.  
  
In the contrary, there are people in the world, they think they are in the last part of the life and we are not able to learn new skills thus, they do not learn new techniques and skills. Such as, few decades ago, computer systems started with DOS operating system and, now we have windows 10.  
  
To recapitulate, I pen down saying that a literate is the person who do not learn or relearn not that who do not know how to learn
@lalodhi  
Hi Aamir!  
  
It is an organized essay. I would say it is relevant but not a strong one. In the first part, you should talk about why people should learn even if they are old. Well, your first point is to survive, which is pretty good. Second point is learning makes creativity, which is reason for learning but not for learning when they are old. So the key word if "old", and you should think about why they still have to learn when they are old.  
  
The second part is not logical enough. You are talking about whether old people "can" learn, but the topic is whether old people " should" learn. " can" is different from " should", so you should focus on the requiements of the essay.  
  
Also there are a few grammar mistakes.  
  
*As a result, ~~this~~it helps a person to invent new things which can help ~~our society~~people to live properly. Hence, it makes clear that learning new skills ~~are~~is very important.*  
  
*In the contrary,(...) the world. They think they (...) the life and ~~we~~they are not able...  
~~Such as~~For example , few decades ago, ...*  
  
And I wonder if what you want you say in your last sentence.  
  
Anyway, hope it helps.
@lalodhi  
In my opinion it would be better if you use shorter sentences. Also, to me it seems that you are too obsessive with large words. I think using a wide variety of structures does more to make your essay look professional. Here is my recommendation for the first paragraph:  
  
It is safe to say that education plays a pivotal role in modern life.Some analysts believe that one is never too old to learn new skills. On the other hand, some hold contrary views. The following essay tries to discuss the both sides providing cogent reasons and examples.
**Travelling in group with a tour guide is the best way to travel.  
  
Do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
Write at least 250 words.**  
  
With the blossom of tourism, many types of travel are developed, such as group, mini group, package group and individual form. Some people believe that in these diverse choices, travel with group is the best way. However, I stand on the opposite with this statement.  
  
Frankly speaking, the biggest motivation of people choosing to travel in group is its convenience. From planning the route and the viewpoints to booking the accommodation and the transportation, all the details in whole journal are settled down by the travel agency. Especially for those are busy and are going with large number of people. What's more, the extra advantage of joining a group with tour leader is that the members in group don't need to worry about language barrier or losing direction. The tour leader is alike mom who takes care all the stuff during the trip.  
  
On the other hand, I think travel in group miss the opportunities of two aspects. First of all, the opportunity to experience deeply residents' real life. For instance, before visiting a city, I usually find someone who is willing to introduce his/her hometown to me from couch surfing. There were fascinating experiences that exploring a city with a dweller. Secondly, the opportunities of following own preference. People in group have to compromise since the group travelling must follow the schedule, no matters the food to eat or the places to visit. I suppose these insufficient factors make a trip losing its nature.  
  
In brief, although people in group can save money and time, also can be taken in good condition, it is pity that people cannot follow their wishes while travelling. Obviously, there are pros and cons toward group travelling, therefore, it is not the best option to choose.
Looks good to me but too short I guess.  
  
What you can do is put that second last paragraph after first paragraph. Break that into 2 paragraphs and explain more.  
  
Moreover, add some more experience or trouble you faced from traveling in a group. You can add your real life experience like one person being late/sick, affected everyone.  
  
Plus, conclude the essay such that you highlight the pros of travelling with group can be managed with more precautions.
Especially for those are busy and are going with large number of people. -- Well, first of all I would rather combine this sentence with the previous one. Especially for those, who are busy and plan to travel with a lot of people.  
  
What's more - change this, with "Moreover" or "Futhermore" - it sounds more appropriate for the exam.  
  
the extra advantage of joining a group with tour leader is that the members in group don't need to worry about language barrier or losing direction --- The idea is good, but you have writed your sentence in too complicate way --- try to create your sentence as clear as possible.  
  
mom - mother  
  
I think travel in group miss the opportunities of two aspects --- well there isn't a reciever. Who misses the opportunities? You need a subject.  
  
. First of all, the opportunity to experience deeply residents' real life. - I can't understand what do you mean.  
  
his/her - choose one of the options and stick with it - BUT do not make that on the real Exam.  
  
There were fascinating experiences that exploring a city with a dweller. --- You need to rewrite this sentence - writed like that it doesn't make sense. -- I have had so many fascinating experiences, exploring cities alonside a dweller.  
  
Secondly, the opportunities of following own preference. -- try to limit this kind of simple sentences in your essays.
Help me, to improve my writing with What can I score in IELTS on this Essay ?  
  
**Any new technological development in the recent years is a boon or curse for the society in general.**  
or  
**In the past 100 years, there have been many inventions such as antibiotics, airplanes and computers. What do you think is the most important of them? Why? Greatest invention in the last 100 years, medicine, science or technology?**  
  
Science and technology have greater influence in human life since their inception.  
We are surrounding by machines for the intrinsic need to support our luxury life style. Science and technology brought revolution in human life. Despite all of developments and technological advancements still some of the analysts consider that it is curse for our society. The following paragraphs will explain inevitable reason, thus to deliver a plausible conclusion.  
  
There are myriad of reason to support my stance, the most conspicuous and irrefutable is the invention of Computer. Computer made human life easy and faster. Not only can the computer work error free but also it has the ability to save the information for the period of unlimited time.  
  
Moreover, Computers are playing a pivotal role in communication, calculation, navigation and automobile industry.  
On the contrary, Firstly, Computer itself has no disadvantages and it disadvantages are depend on its usage. Secondly, staring for a long time at computer screen can be dangerous for eyes health.  
  
In the light of above mentioned points, I pen down saying that Computer has a lot of advantages and that cannot be ignored and its disadvantages are too less to ignore as every garden has some weed
hi @lalodhi,  
you have a good stand point. I'd like to give you some suggestion as follows :  
1. Put a clear stance from you either in the introduction or the first main body. From my personal opinion it's better to put your stance in the introduction paragraph to maintain the coherency of your idea. Moreover, that is part of the task in ielts essay that is really important. Check my correction below  
  
"The following paragraphs will explain inevitable reason, thus to deliver a plausible conclusion." inevitable reason of what?  
"There are myriad of reason to support my stance," still there is no stand following this statement  
  
2. Give more extension in your arguments. You only mention that the invention of computer as the greatest. It's better to add why is it greater than the other options. Add one or two examples after your extension to support the idea.  
  
3. If you have more than one argument, it's better for you to put them into different paragraph. It's better for you to provide depth in analysis instead of giving several unelaborated ideas.  
  
so far you had few grammatical error in your essay, here are some of them  
Firstly, Computer itself has no disadvantages and it disadvantages are depend on its usage (I think that is redundant \*are you sure there is no disadvantages at all? If you said so then you need to paraphrase it.\* put your argument on the disadvantages based on it usages  
  
... We are ~~surrounding~~ surrounded by machines for...  
... Despite all of [the] developments and technological..  
... that it is [a] curse for our society. The following paragraphs will explain [the] inevitable reason...  
... and it ~~disadvantages are~~ depend on its usage.  
  
There you go. Keep practice!! :)
## Big popularity of Active X package

  
  
The bar chart demonstrates the total download (in 1000s) from three computer packages in five weeks periode. Distinctively can be seen from the bar chart that Activex is the highest downloaded by user and Net less popular among internet users.  
  
To begin with, Active X and java that showed same pattern in the early week until final week , the download of both pacakages rose gradually. But compared to two others Active X remain significantly higher along the periode and stood on the top of the list. In the first Week Active X downloaded more than 75000 times wheras, java reached for only 30000 lower than Active x. before finishing the periode in week 4 , there was a slight fall for activex and Java .Finally , in week 5 Activex and Java reached the peak at 120,000 and 80,000 respectively.  
  
Net was the product that downloaded the least compared to others. The Download began slightly under 40,000, in the following week then fell at 25,000 download in week 3. It then increased more than 20,000 download and kept rising until It reached the final score at 60,000 in the final week.
Please include the picture or the link to the picture of the chart you're describing.  
Without the graph, I notice that you tend to describe the trend of a value first and then just list out its consecutive figures. It would be better if you can cut down on the numbers and describe the trend WHILE giving out the numbers. This is an example:  
  
*Throughout the period, Active X accounted for a significantly higher number of downloads compared to the other two, as its figure increased consistently from 75000 in the first week.*
I think you need to work on you summary sentence. ..."and Net less popular among internet users." - that is not a good sentence, you can try writing something like: "whereas Net was the least popular computer package among the internet users throughout the given period."  
  
Active X and java that showed - remove "that". Also, i will give you the same sentence, but in reverse order - To begin with, the same pattern was observed.... -- It is up to you, which type you will use, but in my opinion this one looks more approptiate.  
  
But compared to two others Active X remain significantly higher along the periode and stood on the top of the list -- Compared to the other two, Active X's proportion remained significantly greater and continually stood on the top of the list
Hi, would anyone help me to tune my essay writing,  
  
**Overpopulation of urban areas has led to numerous problems.  
Identify one or two serious ones and suggest ways that governments and individuals can tackle these problems.**  
  
Introduction  
Over the decades, there has been significant increase in the population of cities. Some analysts believe that, governments should take notice and handle the situation; while on the other hand some believe that individuals and governments need to tackle overpopulation problems. In this essay, I would assert on problems and solutions of urban areas due to overcrowding before delivering an appropriate conclusion.
@lalodhi  
Here are few suggestions from me.  
  
..., there has been significant rise in the urban population...  
... and governments need to collaborate for tackling the overpopulation issues .  
  
this sounds quite immature.  
In this essay, I would assert on problems ...  
  
Better write this:  
The following essay will discuss about various problems and solutions regarding over-population in today's industrialized society.~~before delivering an appropriate conclusion.~~
Mualla, I guess the first question I have to ask you is, which common prompt in particular are you writing this for? I believe that there are three common app questions this essay could respond to. One is the background essay, the second, is the incident or time when you experienced failure, and the final one, is the transition from childhood to adulthood. This essay is a good draft that you can actually adjust to fit any of the three aforementioned essays. The essay is quite interesting and engaging. However, I would not consider it a completed essay at this point. There are openings for improvement within the content, based upon the prompt that you will be responding to.  
  
Will it catch the eye of the reviewer? Yes, with some more editing to make it better suit the prompt you will be using the essay for. Will it work for your application? I believe it will. No two essays are alike and we never can tell what information will make the reviewer interested in your writing. The best thing to do is to ensure that the essay meets the prompt requirements of the common app. That way, you may hook the reviewer into reading the full essay.
@Holt  
Hi. I really appreciate your response. I was thinking about doing failure/sucess prompt. What do you think? And yes I agree I still need to work on my essay. I am going to review it with a good writer and enhance the phrases.  
  
Do you think this essay could get into a good college? Do you think that idea is good? Could you tell me the parts I need to improve on?  
  
Do you think the message that I am giving to the reader is good?  
  
Could you please give me more feedback on this essay as soon as posssible. I know you are busy but it would really help me beacuse I have an application due in a week.  
  
Like I said earlier, I am not worried about grammar at this point.  
  
The essay may sound simple, and I am trying to improve it to make better. I am applying to top 20-30 schools so do you think the essay would work for those schools?  
  
Thank You in advance
Mualla, all of the essays that are written by students are done so with the intention of the essay aiding them in getting into a good college. The thing is, nobody really knows when an essay contains sufficient information for the reviewer to consider you a serious contender for a slot in the student roster. You see, the essay is not the only basis for your admission to the university. The essays only work as a preliminary interview to help the reviewer and admissions committee get to know you as a potential student. Your transcript of records and other documents which you will be submitting along with the essay will also be considered in your application process. So don't rest your laurels on creating the perfect essay. There is no such thing. Luck also has something to do with getting into the college of your choice.  
  
Like I previously mentioned, the idea behind the essay is good. My opinion, again, is that you should consider it for use either as a background essay or for the failure prompt. If it were up to me, I would use the essay for the failure prompt because all of the elements regarding learning a lesson from a failure you experienced in life are all there. This will be a very strong essay to present based upon that prompt.  
  
As for what you can do to improve the essay, I guess you could improve upon the portion that discusses how you always wanted to earn money instead of taking your parents money. What happened to you could be turned even more bittersweet if you can explain why you felt compelled to earn your own money even though your parents would be happy to just give you what you need.  
  
The message that you are trying to relay to the reader can be considered good because your essay deals with the way that you developed an inspirational mindset based upon what happened to you that day at the fair. It is something that tells the reviewer that you know how to learn from your mistakes and that you will always find a positive aspect to believe in even when you are in a position that is less than ideal for you.  
  
As to whether this essay will work for the top 20-30 schools, you will never know if the essay will work towards the benefit of your application unless you actually submit it for consideration. I can't really say that the will or won't work for those schools due to the varying criteria that they have for applicant student consideration. Just submit the essay and see where it takes you. I won't worry about it though. Your essay is off to a good start and delivers an interesting and educational topic to the reader.  
  
I hope I was able to answer all of your questions. Don't hesitate to contact me here at the forum in case you need further guidance or assistance from me. I'll be happy to help you as best as I can.
Hello, let me give my correction for you  
  
in the morning ~~and~~ when I come home from school this sentence no need connector "and" because double connector. the other connector is "when"  
  
..., I knew that it was meant if you no add connector, this sentence contains two verbs, there are "knew and was"  
  
packed them neatly in plastic bags that I had saved ... you must add the connector to connect two sentences  
  
... sent with two picturesplural noun  
  
thank you