dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## rejecting computer from our life?

  
  
A Computer has an important role in our life. It has to combine lots of effect application such as learning, typing, and so on. However what if all the service, or field in life base on a computer to perform? It is cool and convenient but also bring some annoy effect that no one desire. This essay will describe a disadvantage when a computer is applied to real life.  
  
One of the most familiar inconveniences that we can meet is complicated. In transfer money, with a computer, everything becomes easier but to some people, that is a problem. They can't understand the process of it. Not only that, paying online is popular nowadays, if we can't adapt it, it will create the feelings that embarrass with other people. Moreover, the thing that no one desire that the computer is broke down. It will make many mistake and inconvenient for the user, especially in transferring money or lost individual information  
  
To sum up, besides many conveniences that computer brings to us but it also exists some annoying that make everyone confuse. We can't reject computer due to it is part of our life, instead of finding the ways to adapt to new technology and make it more simple.
Watch out for the forms of the words you are using, especially if you are using multi-purpose ones that do not have a specific definition to them. Having hold of this takes consistency, knowledge, and determination in knowing how to apply what you know about English grammar.  
  
**Let's take it step by step and revise a couple portions of your essay.**  
Computers play an important role in our lives. It has multiple purposes: learning, typing, and other educational-related tasks. However, there are disadvantages to using computers in real-life. While it brings convenience, it can also bring about multiple concerns. This essay describes the disadvantages of the real-life usage of computer.  
  
Notice how because you are making an argumentative essay about a particular device, it is only right that you generalize it (ie. saying computers). You should also ensure that you try to use concise terminologies to reduce the word count that you can use in more productive and substantive ways (ie. from combination of lots of effects to simply saying that it has multiple purposes). Trying to curate text with more concise words is essential, especially if you plan to take academic writing tremendously by its sleeve. Try to evade words that are informal (ie. saying that computers are cool is unnecessary and does not contribute to the essay's overall theme).  
  
**When it comes to your second paragraph, I have noticed that you struggle when it comes to verb tenses and the general sentence structure.**  
  
**For instance, a couple revisions I could make:**  
One of the most [...] that we meet is its complicated nature. When discussing money transfers, usage of computers would make it easier. However, this is not applicable to all. There are difficulties when it comes to understanding the processes. [...]  
  
In the succeeding sentences, you were discussing how shameful it is not comply with online payment methods. This is not an academic statement. What you can perhaps say is that the complexity of payment methods makes it difficult for companies and individuals to keep up with the constant technological changes. This is a perspective that appears more informative rather than offensive.  
  
Try to keep these in mind as you are rereading and editing. Best of luck!
## vegetarians proportions in the british society

  
  
The graph illustrates the proportion of the British consuming five vegetarian meals every day over the period of 7 years, starting from 2001.  
Overall, what stands out from the graph is that women consumed healthy diets most as opposed to children. In addition, all subjects shared upward trends.  
  
In details, in 2001, 22 percent of females ate five no-meat portions per day, which doubled the percentage of children (11 percent). Additionally, only 16.5 percent of males followed that lifestyle.  
  
Over the course of 7 years, the figure for women reached its peaks at 34 percent in 2006 and then witnessed a slight drop by 4 percent in 2008. Moreover, data of men and children shared the similar pattern, which remained stable during the first three years. Subsequently, more and more male citizens and children in UK opted for wholesome diets. In particular, their proportions experienced remarkable rises to 27 percent and 23 percent respectively in 2008.  
  
*
One humble suggestion from me:  
  
This bar graphic doesn't indicate clearly each percentage of these three groups in different years.  
Therefore, I'd recommend not to specify the proportion if they are not stated.  
  
For example:  
  
In details, in 2001, about 22 percent of females ... ( around 11 percent). Additionally, only approximately 16.5 percent ...  
  
It would be better to add on some words, such as about, approximately, around and etc, because we can't be sure about the percentage on this graphic.  
  
Good luck!
**Topic: The diagram below shows how geothermal energy is used to produce electricity.**  
  
\*\*Picture is in the end of this article.\*\*  
  
## This diagram illustrates how geothermal energy is transformed into electricity.

  
  
There are in general five steps in this process. It is clear that cold water is pumped down into the ground in the beginning and passes through an area of hot rocks. After that, the water becomes hot water and is pumped up to the generator to generate power at the last step.  
  
In the first stage, cold water is accumulated in order to pumped down into the ground of 4.5km depth where is named injection well. Then the water goes through a geothermal zone which is filled with hot rock and later water gathers in the production well. At this point, the cold water turns hot.  
  
After the third stage in the production well, the hot water is pumped up to the condenser on the ground. The steam is produced after the condensation inside the condenser and it pushes the turbine in order to generate the electricity. (158 words)  
  
Thanks everyone who takes time to help me!  
  
Ps. I don't know if there are other good advice to replace these two: pump up and down (the water)  
Also I wasn't confident about this sentence: ... into the ground of 4.5km depth where is named injection well.  
  
Highly appreciated who provides suggestions!  
  
*
Things to do is to paraphrase the rubric. Here you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. In any case, a good IELTS report consists of an overview. This overview is written not only to present the main trend, differences, and/ or stages, but also to summary the details you have presented in the body paragraph. For this essay, I do not see you do so. If you write no overview, then your score will be a 5 in Task Achievement.  
  
When it comes to Coherence and Cohesion, some inappropriate cohesive devices are seen in this report. You need to pay particular attention to cohesive ones. However, both grammar and vocabulary are good enough for those wanting to score a 6 or 7 in these two sections.  
  
Hope this helps you :D  
  
Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri
rubric  
Thanks Eddy!  
  
Actually there were in total four paragraphs and I accidentally made the first on in bold letter:  
THIS DIAGRAM ILLUSTRATES HOW GEOTHERMAL ENERGY IS TRANSFORMED INTO ELECTRICITY.  
  
So my overview is this paragraphs:  
There are in general five steps in this process. It is clear....  
  
Does is consider as an overview? Is it necessary to write down the word overall?  
  
Thanks !
Writing essay. Thanks for correcting it !  
  
**Topic: Some people choose a career according to the social status and salary it will give them. Others choose a career according to whether they will enjoy the work.**  
  
## Career priorities to consider when job searching

  
  
Money is not able to to purchase happiness but it is a mean to fulfill happiness. Therefore, money is the crucial factor to choose a career. Many people choose their profesions according to the social status or salary while others pursue their passion occupations. In my opinion, social status and salary are the factors affecting my decision for the following reasons.  
  
Firstly, it is too hard to deny that salary or money can lead people to a better life quality. Choosing a well-paid job is a practical choice. If people merely follow their enthusiasm careers but forget the role of economy, they will have a difficulty in existing in this fierce competitive society. People need money to cover their basic expenses: food, shelter, and clothing. Beyond that, salary job will contribute to support their families in health protection and education. If they can not afford their lives, they will place burdens on their relatives.  
  
Secondly, a profession associating with social status or salary can bring individuals the regard of society. People assume that well position and income reflect their certificates and capacities.To reach that position and salary, people need to illustrate their skills, abilities, etc. For instance, doctors are always admirably respected not only due to their service for community but also their extensive knowledge.  
  
On the other hand, some opinions think that people should pursue occupations they appreciate since their passions can drive them the most successful career in a long term. However, passion is an elusive emotion that changes over time. Moreover, in some cases, many people have to give up their passions halfway to look for another well - paid job because of lacking money.  
  
To sum up, depending on salary and social status when deciding a career should be a more prioritized decision. This do not make people become to be pragmatic but practical. That means people know what is important to them in their lives right now. As long as they do not sacrifice ethics and the things that are valuable to them.
**Try to use more appropriate words when you are constructing your essay.** Notice also how you structure your sentences; ensure that you use appropriate words as you curate the context. It would also be helpful if you can rearrange your sentences to follow a more inductive pattern - doing this can enhance the content.  
  
**Let's to revise a couple parts of your essay.**  
  
*Money is unable to purchase happiness, however it can lead to a fulfilling lifestyle. A lot of people consider salary and benefits when deciding what profession to partake in. While there are others who pursue their passion, money is an inevitably crucial factor when choosing a career. [...]*  
  
**Notice how rearranging the structure and flow of sentences can lead you to have more concise content for your essay.** Always take into consideration that as you are writing, trying to follow a particular style or pattern is critical to have a more dynamic flow for your essay. Moreover, I would also say that trying to minimize the possibility of you repeating words is also important. When you find yourself repeating the same terms over and over again, opt to retain only one and try to seek alternatives that are synonymous.  
  
Try to also not be lazy when you are describing scenarios in your essay.  
  
For instance, I can revise certain parts of your second paragraph as:  
  
*Firstly, it is difficult to deny that money leads to better life quality. [...] If people merely follow their passion for career choices, they forget the economical perspective; they will have difficulty persevering in a competitive society. [...]*  
  
Notice how instead of mentioning that it is a *too hard of a choice to make*, I mentioned that *it is a difficult choice*. Having hold of these synonyms is pivotal when you are constructing your essay. It can help you in having more effective descriptions that can lure the readers more.  
  
Apply these comments to the rest of the essay. Best of luck!
## learning all-round curriculum or concentrating on favourite subjects?

  
  
Hello everyone! I'm practicing IELTS writing and would like to hear any feedback or recommendations from the forum. Thank you in advance!  
  
**Topic: Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects. Others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject that they are best at or that they find the most interesting. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
It is very hard to say which is better for teenagers, learning an all-round curriculum or concentrating on their favourite subjects. I would say that balancing these two points is the best way.  
  
Most schools tend to provide a broad education and produce well-rounded individuals. From a social point of view, the breadth of general knowledge is also a symbol of a well-educated person. But if teenagers are forced to learn a wide range of subjects, their energy will be limited, the result is that they cannot have a chance to develop their special talents. Meanwhile, they can hardly get ideal scores on those subjects which they are not interested in, it will undermine their confidence.  
  
However, it still will cause some problems if teenagers are given too much freedom to decide the courses which they would like to learn by their own. Some courses are basic courses which should be learned by everyone, they are the basis for building logic and thinking patterns, and even the cornerstone of communication skills in life. For example, mathematics is related to logic, literature is associated with comprehension and writing skills.  
  
My personal view is that teenagers should be allowed to choose their favourite subjects to learn such as geography, arts, the second language and so on, and at the same time, some core subjects like maths and literature will be compulsory subjects in the school.  
  
In conclusion, with keeping essential subjects, teenagers can be encouraged to choose a part of subjects which they would like to study to improve their personalities and specialities.
@Erica Atlas  
When you're writing for IELTS, always be wary of having lengthy sentences. Because the nature of the test requires you to work with word counts, precision in your language is key. Once you have this in the picture, you will be able to implement more techniques that will teach you how to optimize your space.  
  
I think your introductory paragraph is sufficient. However, looking at your second paragraph, I would opt to revise the third and last lines as:  
*If teenagers are forced to learn an array of subjects, they may lack energy; this can result to being unable to develop their special talents. If they are unable to get ideal scores in low-performing subjects, it might affect their confidence.*  
  
Notice how I had tried to omit or replace words that stretched the paragraph thin. I had also tried to incorporate a variety of transitions (*semi-colons*, for instance) to have more of an organic flow to the essay. I had also tried to change words to a more appropriate counterpart (ie. wide range to array, subjects they are not interested in [changed due to length] to low-performing subjects, and undermine [inappropriate in this context to use] to affect).  
  
Lastly, I may suggest that you merge your last two paragraphs together as leaving the concluding paragraph like that appears to be out-of-place. *Try to be more specific with your text.*  
  
Best of luck.
I would recommend having less complex, more concise sentences for your essay. Seeing that the essay also requires you to have more substance in terms of description, I would recommend that you try to be more descriptive with your content.  
  
**Let's take a look at your essay and revise a couple of portions.**  
  
[...] With the new environment, they need to either engage in the local lifestyle or form their own culturally-specific communities that maintain tradition. [...]  
  
[...] Firstly, as these immigrants are the minority, they have to acquire socialization skills to live harmoniously with natives. [...]  
  
**Note: Notice how I had omitted a huge portion of the text and instead integrated it into the larger picture of your sentence**; doing techniques such as this can improve your essay's overview. Furthermore, you were unclear as to what these immigrants have to acquire upon their immersion. For instance, you can mention socialization skills as I have - or perhaps delve into other integration issues that are commonplace in these types of metropolitan, multi-cultural cities.  
  
**Trying to replace your words with more appropriate and specific content with help you elevate your essay's structure.** Furthermore, it will also help if you evade aggressive tones in academic essays as they are informal and do not contribute anything analytical to the content. Remember that even when you are reporting observations, you should maintain a neutral tone to ensure that you are able to facilitate the right judgement.  
  
**Try to be more specific with your wordings as you are structuring your essay. Try to also be consistent with the forms of verb, terminologies**. You can always try to proofread your own essay, seek for second opinions, or simply consult your grammar books to ensure that you are on the right track.  
  
Best of luck.
## persistency and sense of confidence

  
  
My success as to be at the top of class help me develop many different important qualities. First of all, I've got a highly developed my sense of confidence. Since I was little child, I was naturally getting shy. Because I was really not good in studying at my primary school, I didn't make friend with anyone in my class and talk to them. But my life has changed when I went to Hồ chí minh city and began a new life at a high school which is near my living area. I was determined to study very hard so as to be at the top of my class. And, eventually I made it at the end of the first year, I was in the first class. I was so proud of myself while I talked to my accomplishment with my classmate that makes me have lots of friends. Futher more, It can't be denied that the persistent is one of factors for my success. During the award ceremony, I remembered the time how hard I tried when I was studying by myself at home. I just spent three hours on sleeping at every night, at times I wanted to give it up, but on the second thought I still keep going. After that considerable success, I realised that people might be develop our good characters through resolving difficulties to accomplish goals in the life.
I think firstly you must revise your grammar and usage of words making people get wrong when they reading your mini-essay:  
I neither make friend ... class nor talk to them  
  
*I was in the first class* => I ranked the first in my class  
...  
And another problem is your content of the essay: your accomplishment isn't described in detail with more information like: how did you try to get this award, what burdens did deter you throughout your process and how worth it is to your life etc  
  
Do better next time
@Honglinh1996  
Given that you are only given a paragraph, I would opt that you try to be straightforward and yet detailed. You can accomplish this through creating more concise content that does not beat-around-the-bush (so to say).  
  
In terms of the technical composition, I can revise certain portions as:  
*My recent success is being at the top of the class; this has helped me develop a lot of qualities. Firstly, I developed a sense of confidence. [...] But my life changed when I began a new life for high school in Ho Chi Minh. [...] And eventually, I was in the first class by the end of the year. I was proud of my accomplishment, talking to my peers about it. This helped me gain friends. Furthermore, I cannot deny that persistence is a factor in my success. [...] I spent only three hours sleeping every night. Although I wanted to give up, I was determined to keep going.*  
  
Try to be more specific with the way that you phrase things. If you can evade mentioning the same words over and over again, it will be better for your essay. Always look for synonymous lines that have form-fitting structures that are more academically in line with your overall text.  
  
Best of luck!
**what is one of the most important discoveries that has been made and how, in your opinion, have humans benefited by it?**  
  
## Electrical revolution

  
  
Within 200 years since the electricity first widely used , the world has changed intensely in a much better way. Electricity has brought light to people on Earth. The light that has helped humans do things from little like chores to great things that could not have been in thought of ancient people like space travelling. Electricity becomes a crucial part of our modern lives. That's why it is not exaggeration to acknowledge electricity to be one of the most important discoveries of all time.  
  
To have a better understanding of how this invention tranformed life on Earth, going back to the past is the best answer. Just a brief power outage nowadays, it would be very inconvenient for modern people. However our great great parents still managed things quite well before the invention of electricity. Generally, all the works relyed on manual labour such as chopping wood to warm up the house, salting and drying meat to expand the shelf life of produce, doing laundry by hands,... These work loads were heavy and took up a lot of time. Lacking of light after the sunset was another problem that needed to be concerned. All lighting sources we had were oil lamps, candles, fireplaces and some other inconvenient tools that just provided us a dimly lit room. Along with the lack of entertainment, neighbors usually gathered to chat or playing instruments for amusement. This explains why people in the past had a stronger connection with others in the community than in the present. However, no one can deny the huge benefits that electricity has brought to our lives.  
  
Well-light is provided for all of our activities all days. Going out after dark is not really a matter to us anymore thanks to the abundance of streetlights. Communication is another aspect that electricity does well. With the invention of smartphones, people can access to internet and communicate to anyone in the world at a very little cost. Electrical appliances such as washing machine, lawn mower, refrigerator, air conditioner,... allow us to save much more time for housework. The medical sector has seen comparable gains over the past hundred years. Most medical machines today depend on electricity. These machines give more accurate diagnosis and help saving records of patients durably. Entertainment has also reached a whole new level. We have so much entertainment that we even can't help ourselves being distracted by them.  
  
Electrical revolution brought humans' lives to another advanced step and apart from the 80s. Without this wonderful discovery, humans would have not been improved in such a dramatic way. Benefits brought by electricity is countless. Therefore, instead of taking this resource for granted by using it wastefully, people should care more and use it wisely. The values of electricity will surely not cease to increase. Someday there might be another discovery to replace electricity, until that, humans still need to depend on it significantly.