dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi, I am not expert in this field, but I will mention something I know.  
  
1. The maps illustrates ...  
2. ... at a city hospital in the year 2007 and 2010.  
3. The most noticeable change  
4. staff and public park were separated ... I am not quite understand here.  
You have to do it more clear, and it is important to mention the trend in the overview.  
5. ... Hospital Road, harnessing the space..... What is the mean of "harnessing"?
## Violence in television and computer games has a damaging effect on the society.

  
**What is your opinion?**  
  
With the ubiquitous use of television and computers nowadays, some people argue that our society is under potential threats posed by a wide range of violent scenes. Personally, I assume that the gratuitous scenes of violence may spark off some influences on children and teenagers, but not much on others.  
  
Firstly, it is obvious that many movies and games portraying violence may put a detrimental effect on children. Repeatedly viewing those will blunt their emotional responses to violence and lead to aggressive attitudes in real life. However, most television programs are censored carefully before broadcasting, and the content that includes too many violent or unsuitable scenes will be considered. Except for the children, these factors do not have any serious consequences on adults. The aggressive behavior of a person depends mostly on his character, which is formed by the living environment, growing process and education. And the cruelty caused by games and television, I think, contributes little to our behavior.  
  
In addition, violence in television or video games can create some positive influences. Many movies chart violence with an educational purpose, as in the end, the truculent villains will have to pay for their cruelty. In other words, this acts as an effective tool to impart the causal law in life. What is more, this kind of violent movies gives us a deeper insight into the villains. In many cases, they have such a tremendous and torturous past which punishing blows of life forced them to be cruel. Therefore, we are able to have a better understanding and sympathy with people through these movies.  
  
All things considered, I subscribe to the idea that violence in television, movies or games does not carry substantial effect. Apart from some contents which should be labeled not for children due too its excessive violence, violence in those cases is not negative.
@annyht the last sentence in your closing statement should have been the thesis statement for your opening paraphrase. That is because your opinion is clearer in that sentence than in the final presentation of your opening presentation. This is the most appropriate thesis statement to present:  
  
violence in those cases is not negative.  
- The whole sentence would have made for a highly authoritative and strong thesis statement of your opinion. It's too bad that you chose to use it at the end of the essay instead. Both the opening and closing statements need to be on strong notes.  
  
Most of your problems in this presentation have to do with word usage. For example, one cannot "put" a detrimental effect on children. However exposure to violence in media may "have" a detrimental effect on them. When it comes to censorship, violent or unsuitable scenes will not be considered. These scenes will be censored/removed instead. You cannot say "which punishing blows of life" but you can say "that punishing blows of life..."  
  
Overall, the discussion is acceptable except in some instances when you only wrote 2 sentences per paragraph when the ideal is 3 sentences as a minimum sentence presentation for an increased C&C scoring possibility.  
  
Writing 307 words will not be possible during the actual test due to time limitations. Aim for 250-275 words instead so you can edit your work before submission.. It appears that because you wrote too many words, you were not able to properly assess your essay prior to submitting it for a grade. Which is what caused the LR problems in your presentation.
Please help me check this essay and give mark on scale from 1 to 10  
  
## solution for reducing air pollution

  
  
The escalating number of cars, recently, has been considered to be the main culprit of air contamination . while many people put forward the idea of encouraging car-free days as a viable remedy, i personally believe there exist other feasible solutions to this dilema  
  
Advocates of the campaign opine that this implementation can lead to considerable headway in air quality. Their rationale is that since private cars take chief responsibility for the emission of countless hazardous substances, their restriction can play a pivotal role in gradually reducing air contaminants, thus adressing this pressing matter effectively.  
  
Promising as this idea seems, it is far from being perfect. In fact, the car - restriction campaign only takes effect in developed regions where travelling by car is prevalent. When it comes to developing nations like Vietnam, it's hardly applicable given the fact that scooteres are of more frequent use. The alarming air degradation , on the other hand, can be proactively addressed with the instruction of public transport lanes as well as enhancement of their inside facilities. It 's just a matter of time before travellers switch from cars to the mass transit provided their velocity , safety and convenience are guaranteed .  
  
To summerise, while car-free days bring about particular perks, moree discernable can acrrue to the matter of air deterioration if other practical measures are taken in which the reinforcement of public transport should be given priority.
@langtieubich your work cannot be scored due to the missing prompt requirement. The instructions for the discussion are required as part of your work assessment. Without it, proper scoring is impossible. However, a general review of your essay may be provided.  
  
You must be careful when it comes to punctuation use as the lack of it could have negative effects on your GRA score which uses your grammar and punctuation as its basis for scoring. Your last sentence in the opening paraphrase should have a period at the end of it. The period is currently missing.  
  
LR scoring for your essay will be affected by your lack of proper knowledge when it comes to word meaning and usage, which will also have a direct GRA score as part of the grammar consideration. Some of your mistakes include:  
  
with the instruction of public transport lanes  
- Correct term: Introduction of public transport.  
- Instructions means to direct people to use public transport lanes while introduction means to create and instruct. You mean the latter.  
  
moree discernable can acrrue to  
- I can't even guess what you are trying to say in this sentence.  
- Moree - More (wring spelling on your part)  
- The sentence lacks a proper verb to describe the topic / subject of air deterioration.
## the percentage of expenditure of a UK school

  
  
**The three pie charts below show the changes in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981,1991 and 2001.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
My writing  
  
The three pie charts illustrate the percentage of expenditure of a UK school during the 1981, 1991 and 2001 period.  
  
As can be seen clearly from these charts, while Teacher's incomes were spent the most, the reverse results were true for the Insuarance during the three year period.  
  
To begin with, Teacher's salaries made up 40% in 1981. It accounted for half of total school budget in 1991 and later witnessed a slight decrease to 45% in 2001. There was a tiny increse of 1% to 3% in Insuarance spending from 1981 to 1991, which underwent a noticable growth to 8% ten years later.  
  
As for Furniture and Equipment and Resources, both datas accounted for 15% at the beginning of the period. While the figure for Resources grew slightly to 20% in 1991, the expense for Furniture slipped sharply to 5% at the same time. However, the fund for furniture rocketed to 23% in 2001, whereas the figure for Resources saw a significant downward to 9%. Other workers' salaries witnessed declining trends throughout the period, with 28%, 22% and 15% in 1981, 1991 and 2001 respectively.  
  
*
## **TOPIC ABOUT CITY LIFE**

  
  
*More and more people are migrating to cities in search of a better life, but city life can be extremely difficult. Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?*  
  
In the days and ages, the world has been witched the explosion of migration in big cities. People tend to resettle in urban cities to have a better life, however, it is certain that life in metropolises brings many drawbacks. From my perspective, the authorities have the responsibility for making city life better for their citizens.  
  
To begin with, the urban population explosion has caused many serious problems such as the shortage of accommodation and amenities. Besides, the living expanse in big cities is higher than in small towns as individuals must pay for housing, transport and basic necessities with high prices. Pollution is a consequence of many big cities like vehicle emissions have caused air pollution and sound pollution. Water pollution in many urban cities has increased into a hot issue because there is a huge amount of domestic sewage from households and industrial sewage from factories that exhausted in rivers or lake without government agencies' management. One of the popular problems in these cities is infrastructure overload with traffic congestion and overcrowded public services such as health care, education and so on.  
  
To solve the problems in big cities, the state should invest money infrastructures and social housing to reduce the cost of living. In addition, it is necessary to restrict vehicle from city centers and promote the use of clean public transports to reduce traffic jam and air pollution.  
  
It is undeniable that city life brings many benefits for citizens however, the overpopulation has caused many difficulties for both residents and government. The authorities should make strong actions to tackle these problems to reduce the pressure on major cities.
@nhiphuong since this is a direct question essay, you should be presenting at least one difficulty in the prompt paraphrase that includes a reference to a possible solution to the problem if living in the city. By the way, your first sentence is unclear. What exactly do you mean by the reference to "witched"? The root word of this term is "witch" which is defined as " A person, especially a woman, claiming or popularly believed to possess magical powers and practice sorcery". Now based on the definition of the root word, it is obvious that this is not the proper term to use in the sentence. Using such misinformed words repeatedly in your essay will result in point deductions for the LR score. Do not use words that you are uncertain about when it comes to the meaning of it. Do not use words that you think means what you think. Use only words that you understand the meaning of, even if those are only simple English words in order to prevent points deductions in relevant sections such as the LR and GRA sections.  
  
Now, you failed to explain the difficulties of living in the city. All you did that list reasons why living in the city could be difficult. Since the essay requires you to explain reasons. You should pick 2 related reasons such as the expensive cost of rent and living expenses and the difficulty of finding a job in the city. Discussing both in a related manner that creates a proper explanation as to why these difficulties are important to note.  
  
Your solution is not well thought out nor explained. It lacks in terms of paragraph development in relation to your C&C scoring. Overall the essay you wrote is not very convincing and lacks proper discussion development throughout. This can be improved by a more selective presentation of the discussion topics and a more relevant use of English vocabulary.  
  
I would like to focus on these two problems of your presentation for now as these are the ones that had the most points deducted for it in this essay. I fear that if you do not improve in these sections, you will not be able to increase your scoring potential. Take note of my observations and try to correct your mistakes with your next essay. I look forward to reading your improved work.
ESSAY TOPICS: SOME SAY THAT BECAUSE MANY PEOPLE ARE LIVING MUCH LONGER, THE AGE AT WHICH PEOPLE RETIRE FROM WORK SHOULD BE RAISED CONSIDERABLY. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?  
  
## raising the retirement AGE?

  
  
It is often said that we should have a go up for the age of retirement because human life-span is becoming higher and higher. In my opinion, I totally disagree with this idea.  
  
To begin with, there is a litmitaion in human working ability. People often work when they are about 25 years old. At that time, their health is vey wonderful, so they can dedicate their best for the companies. However, at the time they are at the age of 35, their health begin to go down. As a result, their working ability will be affected. As far as I know, nowadays, the age for someone to retire from work is 60. I don't think that 60-years-old guys who suffer from lots of health decreasing can devote for the companies as well as they did in the past.  
  
Lastly, I suppose that the old deserve a non-working time with their family after a long-term dedication.They not only spent their time but also their mind to make great benifits for the business when they were young. As a consequence, they have to be rewarded a happy time with their descendences in the rest of their life. In addition, the old enjoy spending their time for their families instead of working. Therefore, giiving them a retirement is the most suitable option that the employers can do for their old-age employees.  
  
In conclusion, I assume that rasing the age for retirement is not a good option. Instead, companies can hire the young and encourage the old to retire when they are 60. It's not only brings more valuable benefits for the businesses but also it's also the best reward for people whospent their youth to be devoted employees.  
  
**(286 words)**
Your writing has many flaws, its not eye catching and there are grammatical mistakes as well. Moreover Your arguments are premature.  
  
"there is a litmitaion in human working ability" try using passive sentence something like The human capability to work is limited.  
  
"their health is vey wonderful" try saying they have are fit and healthy and they can work with full efficiency  
  
"the time they are at the age of 35" say "At 35 their health starts declining"
Danka, excellent work. You stayed on track from beginning to end with the strongest justifications for your point of view. That is exactly what this kind of essay requires you to portray in your presentation. It is only at the end, in the concluding paragraph when you dropped the ball a bit by continuing to discuss reasons, without proper development when what you should have been doing is closing the discussion by presenting a wrap up of the reasons you presented. What you accidentally created was an open ended essay since you did not really close the discussion properly.  
  
Another point for improvement on your part has to do with your vocabulary usage. Consequence means something bad resulted from a previous action. In this case, retiring at the age of 60 is a reward. A reward is a prize for doing something well. Retiring at the age of 60 is a reward for the hard work the worker did during his professional life.  
  
Now, your sentence development is imperfect but allows the reader to still understand what you are trying to say. Therefore, you are still effective when it comes to your sentence presentation. However, that does not mean that you should not work at improving your grammar and sentence structure. The more fluent your English written language is and the smoother and more appropriate your sentence presentations, the higher your LR and GRA scores will be.
## every job for everyone, regardless the gender

  
  
Hello everyone. Please check my essay. Thank you very much.  
  
**Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Naturally, males and females have different psychological manners and physical strength which make them suitable for certain occupations. However, in this modern century, both men and women have equal rights in terms of seeking jobs. In my viewpoint, it is ineffective to take on employees based on their gender.  
  
The first point I should mention is that each gender is apter than the other one in some certain professions because of behavioral differences. In particular, women are patient, caring, soft-hearted and compliant. Therefore, more females become nurses and primary teachers than their male counterparts. Whereas men are strong, authoritative and suitable to assume jobs requiring physical strength, for example, mining and logging. Thus, in some certain jobs, prioritizing on gender is a considerable choice.  
  
A second feature which I should say is that in the vast situations, men and women can have different approaches to their job. Female entrepreneurs, for instance, may have a wide range of strategies for dealing with problems and be excel at the soft skills needed for business leadership. Furthermore, male nannies probably have a better understanding of the needs of little boys and can perform as a model for them. Therefore, community benefits from the mixed gender in most occupations.  
  
To draw the conclusion, in spite of some physical differences, both men and women have their own talents. Hence, the recruiters should choose a candidate based on their performance on the job in order not to rule out a range of potential candidates.
Hello from Venezuela.  
I like the way you focus on your essay, not only placing the differences between genres, but the meaning, according to each particularity of the genre, of why people choose to dedicate themselves to anything of their interest.  
  
Currently the subject you are dealing with is a complicated one but you dedicate yourself to approach it in a radical and average way, where nothing that can be misunderstood or that causes some discomfort in those who can read is seen.  
  
Have a nice day!
## TOPIC SPORTS AND EDUCATION

  
  
Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.  
  
It would be argued by some that sport should only be an optional subject at school. In my opinion, however, physical education should be an vital part of the school curriculum as not only does it enhance the pupil's well-being but also it promotes the importance of the exercises as a healthy way of living later in life.  
  
On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why some believe that sport should be a subject of choice. Firstly, some people feel that sport uses up lots of time which could be better spent on academic subjects such as exam preparation. Secondly, it might be unwise to force children to do activities that they have no interest in. After all, this will be a waste of time with those students, they are just not sporty and should be allowed to study instead. Finally, due to extreme competition and pressure that youngsters have to face in school, some people believe considering sport as a major subject will make their kids get distracted and exhausted.  
  
On the other hand, I would argue that physical education is of fundamental importance to students. Through fitness students learn self-discipline and build self-confidence while maintaining a healthy body in a healthy mind. If all their time was spent studying, they would become unfit and their mind would eventually suffer. In addition, sports emphasize the importance of team building, which is a necessary skill for adulthood. Finally, many people feel that a competitive spirit, so important today, is fostered by sport at an early age. It is noticeable, for example, that many successful business people excelled in sport at school.
Hey!  
I assume you are answering an IELTS writing section question. Your answer has the right structure, in your first paragraph, you described the subject and your opinion. On the other two paragraphs, you could begin one with "It is popularly believed that..." and then start your second one with "On the other hand", the more expressions you use in IELTS, the better!  
  
Also, consider having a closing paragraph to summarise and paraphrase your opinion. Good luck.
Trinh, you have not written the essay as per the prompt requirements. Based on the instructions you were provided, this was to be a 5 paragraph essay covering the following aspects:  
  
1. Proper prompt restatement  
2. Public POV 1  
3. Public POV 2  
4. Personal Opinion  
5. Concluding summary  
  
Your prompt restatement only paraphrases one of the 2 points of view and then discusses your personal opinion as a run on sentence. Definitely not the right way to approach this essay. The prompt restatement must acknowledge the presence of 2 opinions along with the discussion instructions:  
  
*There is an ongoing discussion as to the relevance of sports in the education of children. Some people believe that sports must be taught as an important part of the educational development of children. While others believe that sports is not too important as a subject and the children should have the option not to take it as a class or subject. The analysis of both points of view shall be the basis for my personal opinion in this discussion.*  
  
One of the main reasons why this essay will fail is because your response is only partial in representation. Out of the 3 discussion instructions, you only discussed 2 themes in your essay. That of the non-supporting side and your personal opinion. So there was an error in the analysis of the discussion and its representation in the paragraphs.  
  
Next, you are arguing your personal opinion when you should merely be discussing it. Word choice is important. You need to know what to argue and when to discuss. The essay prompt actually supplies you with the instructions for that if you read it carefully. Your paragraphs show simple sentences that support your explanation. However, your explanation is lacking in development and often shows that each idea you present is not really fully discussed or explained in the paragraph. This will lower the C&C as well as GRA scores for your presentation. Don't keep jumping around between several reasons. Focus on developing 2 related reasons at the most in every paragraph.  
  
Now, your essay does not have a concluding paragraph so this will be considered to be an open ended essay and result in a low TA and GRA score. You need to make sure that all the requirements of the TA are met, specially the concluding summary at the end in order to properly end the essay and supply you with a proper concluding paragraph.  
  
This is not a very good Task 2 essay. It has several problems in it that will result in a less than passing score. I hope that you will be able to improve, using the above suggestions, in your next practice test. Don't give up. With our help, you can only get better from hereon :-)