dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the percentage of films made in 5 countries

  
  
Hi everyone, I am in the process of preparing for the IELTS test and I need some advice for my writing task 1. Thank you very much!  
  
The given bar chart illustrates the proportion of films made by 5 different countries, namely A, B, C, D and E for years since 2007. It is measured by percent.  
  
Overall, in the entire surveyed period, the rates of B, D and E showed an upward trend. Meanwhile, a reverse pattern can be seen towards A and C.  
  
In 2007, the rate of film production in A took a lead, at 80%, which was 4 times higher than that of its counterpart - C. In the next 2 years, A's film production lost momentum and plunged to roughly 76%. Although the percentage of film produced by C climbed to 23% in 2008, it fell to 19% at the end of the period. (It is noted that A invested the most in the film-making industry among all the factor surveyed).  
  
In stark contrast, in 2007, the ratio of films made by E was 5%, which was the lowest point on the whole graph, compared to those of D (14%) and B (34%). 2 years later, the former and the latter increased gradually to about 8% and 16% respectively, while B gathered the pace and rebounded to 50% in 2008.  
  
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Your essay is quite good. However, you have a tendency to not complete the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. Kindly remember that you are scored on your ability to write a series of complex and simple sentence per paragraph. The sentences are viewed in relation to your ability to clearly explain the information presented. You will score better if you meet the minimum sentence requirement per paragraph. Additionally, please do not include important information within a parenthesis. A parenthesis is only used when indicating additional but unimportant details within the essay. In the Task 1 essay, all of the information is important so using the side note method of informing the reader is out of place.
@Holt  
Wow !! I did not expect that I would receive such a quick review. Thank you so much for making such a helpful comment.  
In my essay, I put the sentence in parentheses because I thought it was just an addition, not the main one, I also saw the examiner Simon use this way in his essay too. Moreover, I myself do not know why each paragraph needs to meet all 3 sentences while I have met the criteria for enough words and analyzed all the outstanding features of the chart. Looking forward to your feedback, I am always positive to correct my mistakes.
## Do you think all students should have to study music?

  
  
Music, throughout centuries, has played a crucial role in human's spiritual life. For this reason, in terms of education, music is taught as an important subject at school.There for those, however, who feel music is a subsidiary subject claimed that it is no use studying music and abolish it at school. To my way of thinking, I am inclined to the first former.  
  
To begin with, it is widely believed that not only is music a spiritual expression but also a soul healer for students beside most stressful lessons at school. In practice, students are always depressed by a variety of complicate assessment tests given by teacher or even some students are forced to learn around the clock without being rested.In these cases, students are under the pressures that their parents put on them with the hope that they could be excellent at school. For these reasons, they should be allowed to relax and dive in the rhythm in music lessons at school,those which could soothe their depression and heal their soul.These facts that, by studying music and learning to play musical instruments at school, students can ease their pressure and improve their life of spirituality.  
  
Furthermore, by studying music at school, some people could find their talents in music and pursue it.This is shown by the fact that professors believe that it is essential to find young talents by the observations on their daily life, that it is in fact, almost entirely of their time is in school. That is to say, school education must consist music as a compulsory subject in order to discover music potential in students and therefore music educators could easily facilitate their ability to be improved, that considerably influence their future career.  
  
There are those who argue, on the other hand, that music is a redundant subject as it is abolished in some schools. It can not be denied that for some students who do not have a taste for studying music would find it time-consuming to study this subject at school as these times could be spent on their favorite subject.As a result, in some school, studying music may not be required or there may be no music class at all. Nonetheless, these examples are not norm as music is still a favorite subject for most students.  
  
Taking these points into consideration, I would say that the importance of music in schools is unchangeable since its enormous benefits for students.Needless to say, music is seemed as a spiritual healer for students who are frequently under the pressure at school.  
  
(P/s: actually the question of the essay is"In some schools, students must study music and learn to play a musical instrument. In other schools, studying music may not be required or there may be no music classes at all. Do you think all students should have to study music? Support your opinion with reasons and examples.". Thank you for spending time on reading my essay!)
Hi, I am not sure if I should be reviewing this as a Task 2 IELTS essay or as a simple English essay writing exercise. I will err on the side of caution and simply review this as an English writing exercise. If you wrote the essay for a Task 2 practice test, then the same grammar review will apply anyway. Kindly let me know what kind of exercise the essay was written for next time. It will help me give you a more comprehensive review of your work.  
  
Please be conscious of the differences in the American and UK English spelling. The UK version favors the use of the letter U in most of their spelling formations so favorite becomes favourite in UK English. You really have a problem with typing it seems. You often forgot to use the space bar between the end of the previous sentence and the start of the next one. It created some difficulty in reading your work as it appeared to be spelling errors in the eyes of the reader.  
  
When writing a word that means something that is not going to be completed, please use the term "cannot" instead of "can not" as the latter indicates a confusing word choice that means "doable but not doable". The same goes for the word "therefore", which cannot be written as "there fore". It is also a redundancy to say "first former". Former already means "the first choice". Also, the correct way of writing the sentence is "I am inclined to support the former".  
  
Several other errors exist in your writing but since this is your first time posting here, I'll give you a pass and forgive the other errors. You are here to learn after all and that is what I shall help you do. I look forward to seeing some improvements with your next writing exercise, which I hope to better review once you let me know what type of essay you are writing (IELTS, TOEFL, English writing exercise, etc.)
The table give information about percentage of notebook computer market for manufactures in the years 2006 and 2007.  
  
Overall, it is clear that HP remained as the highest producer in two consecutive years 2006 and 2007. It is also noticeable that Dell was the most increased in technological market share during this period.  
  
Looking at the table more closely, one can see that Dell was a significant increase by roughly 4% of market share in consecutive years, follow by HP and Toshiba with slightly rise by 2,6% and 1,1%. Despite the rapidly rising in Dell's figure, HP remained as the most popular manufacturer in the world.  
  
In contrast, Fujitsu- Siemens and Lenovo had the lowest percentage in notebook computer market, with both figure in market share under 8% in 2006 and 2007, and both two companies saw a decline trend in this period. Fujitsu- Siemens accounted for 2,3% of the market after a dramatic decrease by 2,5% - more than a half of figure in 2006. A similar trend saw in Lenovo with a slightly decrease from 6,6% to 6,2%.  
  
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There is an inconsistency in your time reference throughout the essay. As you are speaking of measurements taken in the past, you must be consistent in using the part tense word formation for your sentences. Otherwise, you are presenting an improperly formatted English sentence, which will result in reduced GRA and LR scores for you. The summary overview is inaccurate and confusing. A clearer representation of the overview would have been:  
  
*The provided table indicated the percentage of computer sales market share for several brands that represented a total of 100 percent market share. The comparison measurements, presented in percentage form, are for the consecutive years of 2006 and 2007. The computer brands involved wereHP, Dell, Acer, Toshiba, Lenovo, Fuji-Siemens, and other labels. HP was the highest seller of computers for that period of time while Fujitsu-Siemens had the lowest market share over the same time frame. At the same time, the brand with the most improved sales turned out to be Dell computers.*  
  
Had you presented the summary overview in the above manner, the rest of your information presentation would have been easier to understand and, you would have had a reference point for the past time frame throughout your presentation. By the way, you also forgot to make mention of the sales of the other brands as indicated in the chart. This rendered your chart more inaccurate so you would have lost some points for that also.
## using animals in an industry

  
  
In our modern world, many people claim that products made by animals such as foods, clothing or medicines are no longer need because of the improvement of high technology. From my point of view, I disagree with this idea. Even so, the advancements in science help people to reduce using animals in the clothing industry.  
  
Firstly, let us take a look at the production of food and medicines from animals. Meat not only makes up a large proportion of numerous delicious dishes but also is an essential source of various vital nutrients. It is easily collected from hunting or farming. If humans stop eating meat, we have to give up our culinary elite and start eating only vegetables which is simply impossible. Furthermore, animals are ideal research subjects because of their biologically similar to humans and some health problems. Animals are necessary to develop drugs and medical procedures to treat diseases. Scientists do experiments on animals in advance to make sure that it is a safe and effective way for people. It is impractical and unethical to study humans.  
  
However, the demand of animals in the clothing sector can be decreasing thanks to the inventions of new artificial materials. Historically, humans hunted and farmed many animal species for only their fur or skin to make clothing items or accessories. At present, humans can use alternative materials such as synthetic wool or artificial leather.  
  
To sum up, humans' request for using animals nowadays is still enormous, especially in the food and pharmaceutical sector. Nevertheless, we can decline the use of animals thanks to scientific reform and it has been proved in the clothing industry.
Your stance in the actual discussion is unclear. The essay requires the defense of only one stance in the essay. However, you seem to be constantly trying to defend two points of view in the essay even as you say that you disagree with the given statement. It is either you agree that people no longer need to use animals for food and clothing products, or you agree that humans need to use animals for their clothes and food. Your sentences, due to the problem with the sentence formation make it difficult to understand your actual explanation. In addition to that, the discussion format is incorrect as you are doing a comparative discussion in a single opinion essay. Therefore, the essay will not score well enough to get a passing score. You have to work on your sentence formation problems first. Learn how to write clear, understandable, and simple English sentences. At the moment, your sentences are too confusing to be able to understand due to incorrect vocabulary usage. You also need to learn to separate your discussion topics into paragraphs. One topic sentence per paragraph. each paragraph should not be more than 5 sentences and must have a clear discussion presented that connects with the next discussion topic, in the next paragraph.
## Older newly-weds

  
  
Nowadays, more and more people would like to enjoy their married life and raising a family at the age of 30 rather than at their teenage time. In my view, I believe this trend has more negatives than positives on society.  
  
To begin with, children on late marriages will be detrimental to the education of society. According to Biodemography and Social Biology Magazine, babies born to mothers in their 20s, more likely to be smarter, score higher on brain tests and do will than their peers born by mothers of their age 30 or 40 born. Those children cannot catch up with their friends, so this creates a distance in the same generation. Moreover, Children have to take care of themselves because their parents get old quickly. Therefore, those teenagers are not equipped with enough skills to become leaders.  
  
In addition, the benefits of getting married late only belong to people who choose it not to the whole society. Those people have a long time to work, however, they spend their salaries to enjoy what they like. Unmarried people claim that they cannot bring back the youth so that they have to live to the fullest and are not ready for a serious relationship. As a consequence, this trend creates the population imbalance causing a shortage of labor resources.  
  
All in all, although getting married at 30 ages has some benefits, I still believe that it has more negatives. We should be married at the age when we still healthy to bring a better life for children and also benefit for the future of a country.
Your second paragraph is a little bit more applicable to the prompt instructions when compared to your first reasoning paragraph. The reasoning in relation to children is not based on personal experience, knowledge, or observations. You are citing 2 different information sources for your reasoning support, which goes against the instructions for the topic discussion. You will lose points for improper discussion formatting since you are using cited and unverified information in your first discussion paragraph. Then, in your second reasoning paragraph, your line of thought is not very clear.  
  
You need to remember, reasoning paragraph 1 must directly connect to the discussion in reasoning paragraph 2. When there is a lack of transition sentences and an unclear topic for discussion that can connect the 2 reasoning paragraphs, your essay will not score well in the coherence and cohesiveness section.  
  
While you did understand the question being posed to a certain extent, the way that you discussed it needs work. Try to form clearer sentences. Do not focus on writing long sentences and paragraphs at this point. You are still incapable of doing that. Write only short simple sentences for now. It is better to be simple but clear than wordy and confusing to understand.
## Writing task 1(Line graph)

  
  
The line graph illustrates how people consumed fast food in UK per week over a course of 20 years starting from 1970.  
Overall, as can be seen clearly that there was a significant increase in Fish & Chips's and Hamburger's consumption. While Pizza witnessed a modest decline over the timescale which made up the highest consumption at first.  
  
Looking at the details, in 1970, the consumption of Pizza was the most, at over 300 grams per week, which was more than more 200 grams that of Fish & Chips and was over 6 times as much as Hamburger's one. However, time registered a slight decrease in the consumption of Pizza, with just more than 200 grams being eaten per week.  
  
On the other hand, it was over 2 decades later that the figure for Fish & Chips overtook Pizza's and then became a new dominant fast food type, at 500 grams per week in 1990. After that was the number for hamburger which also experienced a sharp increase, at around 300 grams at the end of examined period.  
  
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Your summary overview is not totally informative. When providing the years indicated in the graph, don't just give the start year. give the ending year as well. More importantly, before you present the trending sentence, make sure to indicate when measurement type was used. Remember, the summary is meant to prepare the reader for the information you will be discussing in the report. So providing a clue as to every topic is important. It helps the reader know what to expect and what information will be important to take note of.  
  
Try to provide a 3 sentence minimum per paragraph. What I noticed is that you forgot to do comparisons where relevant in the presentation. There was a certain point where the pizza information overlapped with the hamburger and fish information. However, this overlapping information was not present in your report. Why is that? This created an incomplete representation on your part. The data presentation instruction clearly expected you to see the overlapping information because it asked you to "make comparisons where relevant".
## People working on their own

  
  
**## Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization.

  
*Why might be the case?  
What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?***  
In recent years, the work labor market has witnessed the incremental rise in the number of people who opt for working on their own instead of financially depending on other organizations. In this essay, I will give my personal explanation for this phenomenon as well as identify some of the drawbacks that self-employed people might face.  
  
To begin with, it has been pointed out that the surge in the number of self-employed people is the legacy of the great economic recession started in 2008. Due to the extreme hardships in the global economies in that time, many large companies either went bankrupt or had to drastically cut down on their workforces, leaving colossal numbers of employees redundant. As a result, in concerted attempt s to lift themselves out of this desperate situation, many people decided on starting their own business.  
  
In addition to that, this tendency is prolonged and become influential even after the economy has recovered because of the privileges it brings to self-employed people. These benefits are claimed to include higher monetary earning as well as the freedom to execute new ideas.  
  
Given that startup companies are proven to be efficient in times of economic crisis, they also have the potential to generate certain problems to business owners. Firstly, because the self-employed have to establish their companies from scratch, their chances of success is believed to be lower in comparison with their counterparts who choose to work for already prestigious corporations. Secondly, while the small scale might be one of those businesses' merits in difficult times of the economy, it also the factor that in many cases, renders those companies totally overwhelmed and outcompeted by large ones.  
  
In conclusion, while the emergence of self-employment has manifested itself as an inexorable process of the world economy after the great recession in 2008, the odds of people who wish to pursue this form of employment to be successful still remain relatively low.
Even though you have written way too many words for this essay, you still failed to properly respond to the prompt requirements. You were not able to properly outline the discussion topics that should have been located within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. You do not need to combine any paragraphs in this essay because this is only a 4 paragraph essay composed of:  
  
- Paraphrase  
- Reason for self-employment  
- Disadvantage of self - employment  
- Concluding paraphrase ( topic, reason, disadvantage, closing sentence)  
  
You also did not time your response writing for this task. You wrote 322 words when the handwritten test will not allow you to write more than 290 words. Time yourself next time. You will see a difference between the writing that you did using a timer and the one done without. You cannot write that many words within the given time frame.  
  
There is a lack of coherence in the discussion. Since you discussed how people work for themselves because they want to earn more, then your disadvantage should have related to how earning money as a self-employed person is harder because of the lack of secured income. Your previous paragraph, about the recession of 2008 shows that you did research and did not use personal experience or knowledge. Do not do research for any practice tests. You will not have the time, nor the access to research materials once you are at the testing center. Don't waste your time doing something you cannot apply in the real time exam setting.
@Holt  
Thank you for your very helpful review!  
In fact, i did not do any research. The 2008 recession is like common knowledge that people mention everyday in their conversations in my country. However, after reading some essays of the same topic available, I found that none of them listed economic crisis as a reason. Do you think it could be regarded as a valid one? And, if you dont mind, can you give me your opinion about the band score i got for that essay. Thanks in advance!
***## Summarise the information by reporting the main features***  
  
The line graph illustrates changes in America and China in terms of their birth rates from 1920 to 2000.  
Overall, the fertility rates of both nations decreased over the 80-year period. Although the two trends were similar in terms of a general decline, the birth rate recorded in the USA was higher than that of China most of the given time.  
  
Between 1920 and 1935, the birth rate in America fluctuated but remained over 10%. However, this figure dropped to its lowest point in the following decade, reaching 5% in 1945. Only 5 years later, the USA's birth rate reached 15% in the year 1950, which was the highest point during the period of 80 years. Throughout the remainder of the period, the USA witnessed a gradual decline in the rate of birth, finally falling to around 7% in 2000. In comparison with America, the China's corresponding figure varied more significantly in the same amount of time. Starting at 10% in the year 1920, China's birth rate changed unstably before bottoming out at 5% in 1940. From then, the rate remained unchanged for 5 years before peaking at exactly 20% in 1950. By contrast, the following 50 years experienced a rapid decline to nearly 3 % in the end of the period.  
  
This is my response for the given question. Hope you guys can give me feedbacks! Thank you so much !!  
  
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