dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Nguyen, this is an excellent first attempt at writing a Task 1 essay. However, you made a tremendously large mistake in your analytical presentation. While you do have a trending statement presented in the essay, you failed to present the all important summary overview for your essay. That is why your essay is short by 1 paragraph in completing the 4 paragraph requirement for this essay. It is always best to make sure that you review the presentation for any omissions you might have made during the drafting process. If you miss something as important as the summary overview, you will be scored down in terms of task accuracy. A sample summary overview for this essay is as follows:  
  
*Two bar graphs have been presented in this essay for comparison purposes. The comparisons cover the winter travel patterns of Americans for the purposes of business and leisure. The information indicates the number of people who take these trips by the millions. A quick review of the information shows the trend that Americans travel more for leisure rather than business during the winter months. This essay will further analyze the immediate information presented while also looking for similar points for presentation in the report.*  
  
Make sure to present the outline of your analysis presentation in the summary overview in order to help the reader stay on track while reading your presentation. It helps the reader know what to expect and allows you to write in a more coherent and cohesive manner which increases your overall scoring considerations.
*At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?*  
  
## Younger or older societies - which better?

  
  
My essay :  
  
Nowadays, there are some countries where the number of young adults is larger than that of older people. And about these countries, there have been a controversial debate between some people who insist that such countries have more advantages than disadvantages and others who believe that they will undergo more disadvantages than advantages. I agree with the former opinion for the following reasons in spite of some drawbacks.  
  
Those who are worried about drawbacks of relatively smaller number of older people in some countries argue that disadvantages from this situation are significantly harmful. Since older people learned how to live in the smart ways earlier than young adults, the lack of older people means the absence of opportunities to get precious knowhow of life from older people. As a result, it would cause more frequent possible mistakes all over the country. Furthermore young adults would have difficulty preserving their traditions without the enough number of older people to help them learn about traditions. Because tradition is spiritual directions leading a country, without it, people would suffer from predicament where they lose their identity.  
  
Despite those disadvantages, it seems to me that many young adults could bring profound changes to improve their country more than older people. First of all, younger people have the strength from the physical respect. That is they can contribute to the nation by offering their physical labor which older people are relatively hard to provide. For example, if some countries need reconstruction of social infrastructures because of natural disaster, younger people would be considerably important human resources to succeed in reconstruction quickly. Additionally young people are easier to absorb new knowledges and values compared to older people, a country dominated by younger people can deal with the recent global changes more efficiently. Therefore the advantages should be considered more importantly than the disadvantages when the number of young generation is larger than that of old generation.  
  
To sum up, even though lack of old generation would result in some disadvantages, in my opinion, having the larger number of young generation in a country has more advantages.
First of all, this essay seems to be too long. If it is the IELTS writing task 2, you must ensure that you write it in 40 minutes with the appropriate number of words.  
  
Secondly, there has been some errors of your writing such as:  
  
1. ... is larger than ~~that of~~ older people.  
2. ~~And~~ about these countries...  
3. others who believe that they will ... (it repeats words of a previous sentence) -> others who have the contrast opinion.  
4. ... the physical respect that they can contribute ... labor ~~which~~ while older people ...  
  
In addition, you can use synonyms of "advantage" and "disadvantage". Avoiding using these words a lot of times in the essay.
Lipo, writing 350 words without proof reading and editing the content of your essay before submission tells me that one of two things occurred while you were writing this essay:  
  
1. You did not use a timer and decided to simply keep writing in the hopes that you will create a high scoring discussion essay.  
2. You used a timer but ran out of time to proof read, edit, and revise due to the number of words that you wrote.  
  
While I do not care which of the two situations resulted in your writing 350 words, I do care that you showed a carelessness in writing about this topic. The biggest mistake that the test taker can make is to focus solely on writing for the sake of writing. The reviewer doesn't care about the number of English words you know about. He only cares that you can make yourself understood in written English. That is why the minimum word requirement of 250 was created. If you want to show off your vocabulary skills, don't write more than 275 - 300 words so that you will have to perfect the essay through the review process. Use a timer and make sure you complete your draft with at least 10-15 minutes to spare for editing time.  
  
You created good arguments for each discussion point. However, you overthought the reasoning aspect. Stick to one topic per paragraph so that you do not write too many words that cut into your all too important editing time. All of your reasoning paragraphs are sound, but comes across as under discussed because the second reasoning that you present is not fully threshed out for the reader to consider. Just stick to writing no more than 5 sentences based on a single topic. That is the best way to approach the writing of this type of essay.  
  
Now, since you are not being asked for a personal opinion in this essay, you should not make any first person references in the discussion such as "In my opinion". Instead, you should say something like "All things considered" or "weighing the advantages and disadvantages, it appears that..." or something similar. Never make a personal representation unless specifically asked to do so in the essay.  
  
In academic writing the word "Because" is not used to start a sentence as this is a connecting word. It can only be used in the middle of a sentence or after a comma. Do not use that word to start an academic discussion. You can only use "because" in any area within a written presentation if you are writing a casual or informal essay that does not follow strict academic and professional writing rules.
## therapeutic effects of art and music?

  
  
**Essay Question:**  
  
The following appeared in a medical magazine:  
  
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions  
  
**My Response**  
  
The paragraph wrongly concludes that doctors are doing disservice to patients by applying drug treatments and invasive procedures. It also concludes that this result in the overall rising cost of health care in the United States. Several reasons below are presenting the argument provides unsupportive evidence.  
  
First, it's oversimplification to conclude that the art and music therapy can apply to all illness and diseases. Doctors rarely recommend the therapy because the therapy can only has significant effect in several area. For mental illness, alternative therapy like art and music are helpful to manage stress, promote wellness, enhance memory, improve communication, and give people a way to express feelings. For physical illness, the therapy do help but most of the therapy effect focus on alleviating pain rather than healing physical body damage. For example, it is difficult to stop one's bleeding by asking someone just playing instrument and listening to music.  
  
Second, the argument ignores the spending of applying art and music therapy might be. Listening to a music and enjoy a painting might be costless, but what if the therapy requires a patient to play instrument to stimulate the damage of nerves and mental disorders? Take a guitar for instance, a good guitar might cost hundreds and thousands of dollars. It is questionable that whether a patient can afford. Furthermore, the rare application of art and music therapy escalates the medical fee of the therapy. Seldom doctors and professional medical institution do a great job at applying this kind of therapy. We should evaluate the medical spending of the therapy before drawing conclusion that using drug treatments and invasive procedures is contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States.  
  
Yes, art and music therapy do help several physical illness by producing chemical to make a patient feel good so that alleviate his/her pain. And yes, there is some therapy that costs less, such as write songs, enjoy paintings and music. However, the therapeutic effect might be less, not direct, and takes a long time. How many patients or the family of patients wants to participate the therapy that takes long time and dedication. How many patients can stabilize during the therapy that takes time to heal one's harm.  
  
Art and music therapy do have therapeutic effects to patients. But it has great limitations when comparing to normal drug usage and invasive procedures. Overall, the argument draw the conclusion that a doctor are doing a disservice to their patients and contributing to the rising cost of health care in the United States is lack of supportive evaluation.
Chang, in the first paragraph, you should completely mention the assumptions being made in the discussion presentation. You accidentally omitted the mention that music therapy is the alternative healing process being suggested in the discussion. By omitting that topic in your discussion paraphrase, the reader will begin to wonder how music therapy fits into the discussion you are presenting. Always be clear aspects the comparative aspects that you wish to include in your discussion in order to strengthen any claims you will be making,  
  
Don't start a new sentence with the word "and". instead, connect that to the previous presentation by using a comma to indicate a different but connected discussion point. You should also be conscious of your discussion presentations. You are presenting an analysis of the given discussion. That means all the information for consideration has been provided to you. Therefore, your presentation becomes unnecessarily complicated when you present questions in the essay. Rather posing a question, present it as a fact that the writer did not consider while writing the article instead.  
  
Aside from a few grammar errors and the observations above, you did a good job of presenting an analytical discussion. Further practice essays written in this manner could ensure that you get more than a passing score in the actual test.
**we have three important parts of education: reading, writing and maths. some people think every child will benefit from a fourth skill added to the list: computer skill. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## necessary skills to obtain during education

  
  
Since the dawn of education, such skills as reading, writing, and mathematics have always played a pivotal role in graduates' development. However, due to the proliferation of technology, whether adding computing in school curriculum is positive or negative remains at the heart of numerous heated debates. This essay serves to clarify both the pros and cons of this teaching approach before coming to a reasonable conclusion.  
  
On one level, the ability to use deftly computer is of significance to young people in the current age. It is universally acknowledged that with the development of technology, a huge resource of knowledge about everything is available on the internet which is accessed widely to computers. It enables students to study wherever and whenever they want. Hence, those can trace their own inspiring place and time that they are capable of working 100 percent efficiently. Furthermore, thanks to global connection, not only can youngsters take the distance learning courses but also the adults. In addition, acquiring a good computer skill must be useful for their future fobs. In fact, nowadays, many businesses and big firm require their employees to become proficient in computer using.  
  
From another angle, however, an excessive degree of computer exposure to students exerts detrimental impacts on those. Initially, young people have the tendency to expose to the screen of laptop or computer for many long hours. This leads to a consequence that their eyes will suffer from several diseases such as being myopic, astigmatism, or even being blind for a short period of time. Moreover, adolescents rely too much on computers. Thus, some basic skills of them will not be sharpened to become able and spelling may suffer  
  
To recapitulate, computer skills is a necessary attribute to students and could be included in school syllabus. However, this course should be complementary and censorship on the level of using.
Topic:  
*## "Governments should introduce healthcare which prevents illness rather than cures it."

  
How far do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
In all countries, the government always plays an important role in medical development. However, it can be seen that governments' resources are not unlimited, so their investigation in healthcare should not be wasteful. As a result, some people argue that inspite of making a great effort to cure illness, governments should focus more on introducing disease-preventing solutions. In my opinion, this statement could be partially agreed because of the following reasons.  
  
Firstly, if people could be prevented from catching a disease, the treatment for that disease would not need using. Some illnesses can be easily prevented thanks to changing living condition or lifestyle. For example, myopia can be prevented by providing enough light for work and having a proper sitting posture. Governments can encourage this by raising public awareness. Many diseases have had useful and specific prevention such as vaccines. Treatment cost usually higher than the cost of prevention. Trying more to introduce that prevention to community helps to reduce the number of sick people, thereby reducing the cost of treatment. As a result, money can be saved. Through disease prevention, people's health can be improved in an economical and effective way, that is why governments should spend more resources developing healthcare resolutions which can prevent illness.  
  
On the other hand, there is no way to prevent all health failures. It is difficult to find the causes as well as prevention of many diseases. If their treatments are not paid enough attention, there may be more treatment failure, more incurable diseases and more patients who might become weaker and even die due to illness. In order to gain the best achievement in medical care, governments should also invest enough to develop and introduce therapeutical cures.  
  
To sum up, although disease prevention is an effective solution to improve public health, accessiblity of people to illness treatments is also important. Depending on each country's disease structure, epidemiological characteristics and the situation of national budget as well as other resources, its government should pay attention and make an effective attempt to introduce both illness-preventing healthcare solutions and cures in the most reasonable way.  
  
P/S: Please give me some comments. I appreciate all comments for my essay. If possible, can you help me assess the score of this IELTS essay?
**Task 2 IELTS: "Some people believe that printed books are no longer necessary in this digital era as all writings are stored electrically. Others think that printed books still play an important role. Discuss both views and give your opinion."**  
  
## **IS THE EXISTENCE OF PRINTED BOOKS STILL NECESSARY?**

  
  
These days human are gradually replacing their works by innovative technology, including the way how books are kept and stored. Some people argued that it is redundant to store data in old-styled paper books which can be substituted by electrical books or e-books for additional benefits, whereas some opposing views against this notion. Both perspectives contain valid arguments which will be elaborated in this essay.  
  
On the one hand, people with the former idea believe that transferring knowledge and data from printed books to digital books can economically save substantial cost in book materials and printing. As a matter of fact, universities all around the world have to spend millions of dollars each year just only serving for printing study materials. This cost, obviously, can be deducted effectively by using electrical books in which the extra money can be used for other educational purposes. Another reason for this perspective is that paper books are arduous to store and update which may be influenced enormously by temperature and humidity conditions. Additionally, it is inevitable to say that human resources and logistics could also be another factors which have a huge impact on book depot whereas electrical books would not be affected by those factors.  
  
On the other hand, opposing views claim that printed books still have an integral part of life because accessing to digital data is still limited as electrical devices are always essential for this type of book. In addition, it cannot be denied that the usage of electrical books may lead to tension and stress to people from old generation who have insufficient knowledge in this field. Moreover, digital books may be not favorable options when almost all people still prefer traditional books for their convenience in some cases.  
  
In conclusion, both points of views contain valid arguments. To my mind, I strongly support the idea in which traditional paper books should be replaced by electrical books due to their advantages in cost and storage.
Phuong, your grammar is correct in most instances and punctuation marks are properly used throughout the essay. There are 2 problems with the essay as you have it presented at the moment:  
  
1. Your opening paraphrase does not include a reference to discussing your personal opinion in the essay as indicated in the original prompt requirements.  
  
2. You do not have a personal opinion indicated in any body of paragraphs.  
  
The missing paragraph in reference to your personal opinion means that this essay will not be able to score higher than a 5 because you referenced answers to 2 of the 3 parts of the task. Owing to some lack of proper development on your paragraph discussions, your remaining scoring considerations will also score low on the consideration scale which means you cannot score higher than a 5 for this task.  
  
In the conclusion, you referenced a personal opinion that indicates; "I strongly support". A personal opinion is never merged in the concluding paragraph as that is meant to only be a summary of the given discussion. The personal opinion is always the 4th paragraph in a comparison essay of this type.  
  
The lack of overall progression and clarity in your discussion comes from your over-discussing the reasons in any given paragraph. Focus on only 1 topic per paragraph, even if that explanation is only 3 sentences long. That is all that is minimally required for your task to get a higher scoring consideration. Adding another topic that is composed of one run on sentence will serve to lower your C&C and GRA scores instead as this affects the consideration for your sentence structure and your grammar presentation.  
  
You did a halfway good job on this essay. Your discussions were clear for the most part but under developed when you presented the second idea. So limiting yourself to one idea per paragraph would be your best bet in increasing your score. Forget about presenting too much information because the score is based on the clarity of information and use of the English language in relation to that rather than the amount of information presented.
Dear all, please help to let me know if the below able to get band score 5 or above (or below) on IELTS standard, thanks in advance!  
  
## Relations between generations in today's world

  
  
**Nowadays some children are showing less respect to adults than in the past. What cause this problem? What can be done?**  
  
In recent years there is trend showing that more children show less or even no respection to the adults then before. This essay will discuss the reason behind as well as the possible solutions to the issue.  
  
The reason behind impolite children could be vary. Some suggested that it was caused by the failure of an education system. For instance in Hong Kong, students are graded by their academic result, hence they are taught to pursuit for the higher score on different subjects with regardless to learn on how to show their care and respect to others.  
  
Others claimed that is the outcome of ignorance or even mis-conduct of the offspring's parents. It is common to see in the Hong Kong family that the domestic helper is the only one who would be able to spend most time with the kids in the family as their parent's time are all occupied by their full-time job.  
  
Children also a good and quick leaner by observing and repeating on what their parents do. So if their parents show no respecting to the others such as the domestic helper, so do their offspring.  
  
To deal with the saturation, the parents themselves should always remind themselves to avoid acting and mis-conduct that they do not want their kids to follow. They also need to spend much time with their children thus kids get more chance to learn from their parents.