dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hope that I can help.  
  
Some people suggest to put your answer (agree or disagree) to the introduction paragraph, of course it is not the rule but I just do it as is...  
  
Also please try to avoid putting things that not ask in the question, e.g. air pollution. Several of the website teaching IELTS writing suggested that in the introduction paragraph, a background statement (i.e. paraphrase of the question) and thesis (your answer) would be sufficient. I saw some indian websites suggested putting the hook (the beginning statement that aim to attract reader), I'm not sure if this will lead higher score but I would rather not doing that way, I know I am not good enough to write something catch people's eye...  
  
I guess the 2nd paragraph aim to tell readers the cost of free public transport gives burden of finance to the government. However, the first 3 sentences sounds trying to tell us about the procedures of allocating fund/money, which seems not relevant to the topic sentence.  
  
To be frank I'm just the beginner so I don't think I have the ability to give advise on grammar etc. I just try to tell as a reader and I believe you will spot that too if you read through the essay.  
  
Please try read other works on this website especially the comments of it and I believe it will help a lot on IELTS writing.  
  
In my previous attempts I was so lucky to have Mary Rose (HOLT her username) to check and comment. She always reminding us to form the essay in 4 to 5 paragraphs and limit 3 to 5 sentences per paragraph. And the body paragraph should always contain the topic sentence (your point, your answer to the question), and then explain the topic sentence you just wrote. And then follow with 1 or 2 statements as the support information, and if possible give further explanation with an example. Please follow this link to one of her feedback for an essay  
  
<https://essayforum.com/writing/countries-number-young-adults-larger-elderly-80254/>  
<https://essayforum.com/writing/students-eager-traveling-earning-money-instead-80294/>
Kudzai, if you want to really help your friend prepare for the IELTS test then the best thing that you can do is ask her to join us at this forum where we can actually help her directly through a lively discussion regarding how to best improve his or her existing writing skills. We are a friendly bunch who really get along so your friend should not have a problem blending in with our little ragtag group :-)  
  
The main problem of your friend in this essay is a simple prompt deviation in the opening paraphrase that could have created a prompt deviation in the discussion. The question is: "to what extent do you agree or disagree?" So the response that should have been delivered was: I strongly disagree with this statement." Then the explanations as to why there is a disagreement should be given in the next 2 paragraphs since this is a 4 paragraph essay question. BTW, don't use information not in the original prompt. That can cause a prompt deviation because the writer will read the draft and think "I forgot to explain that part" and revise the essay, when it was never asked about to begin with.  
  
Your friend properly discussed the reasons in the 3 body of paragraphs. writing a total of 5 paragraphs, which will result in a higher TA score since a complete 5 paragraph presentation shows a clear understanding of the prompt as well as an increased C&C and GRA score due to the full explanations that each paragraph contains. Taking ownership of the opinions in the paragraph by indicating "I strongly believe" also helps to increase the scoring potential of the essay as a reminder of the discussion thesis statement is sent mid-essay to the examiner. BTW, the topic sentence in paragraph 4 is not clear to the reader. Remember, every sentence needs to be understandable and should not confuse the reader.  
  
The other problem is that this essay will be considered minimally responsive due to the problem with the prompt paraphrase. Since that part of the essay is wrong in presentation, points will be deducted for falling under the minimum word count (if that is the case after the wrong presentation sentences / paragraphs are removed from the word count). This will heavily affect your friend's TA score.  
  
Tell your friend that the conclusion is well written in this essay and the concluding summary is almost perfect. Your friend should have simply restated that he/she strongly disagrees with the original prompt based on these reasons.
## physical workout among australians in 2010

  
  
**QUESTION:**  
The bar chart below shows the percentage of australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.  
  
**ANSWER:**  
  
The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of Australian males and females in doing sport exercises during the period of 2010.  
  
The main fact to emerge from the chart is that the women tend to spare their time to do physical work out rather than men during the time frame. In addition, while the highest interest of males in doing sport exercises shown in the youngest age group (15-24 years old), the females' enthusiasm appeared in adult age group (45-54 years old) instead.  
  
In 2010, the majority of women in Australia frequently did physical work out when they were 45-54 years old with just over a half of the total proportion. Moreover, younger the women were, less interested they allocated their time for a regular physical sport with the proportion was 53%. Meanwhile, the majority of men did physical activities in the youngest age group (15-24 years old) with the proportion nearly 53%.  
  
In addition, the figure in males countered the least percentage in 35-44 years old of age group and continued to rise in the following age groups. On the other hand, the women emerged a rapid decline from 55-64 years old to 65 years old and over age group. Interestingly, althought this trend occurred continuously, it still dominated the figure as a whole with the percentage was between 47-53% for the last two age group.  
  
(227 Words)  
  
**Please kindly give band score mark for my essay and suggestions in order to boost my score since i aim for band 7.**  
  
*
Some suggestions i can think of:  
- "The main fact to emerge from the chart"  
Sounds really weird and unnatural; try changing it to "What could be observed from the chart"  
- "do physical work out" is like going to the gym; the question uses "physical activity" and you should paraphrases as close to that as possible  
  
- it was only a year; a "time frame" sounds unnatural in this case  
- "while the highest interest of ..." sounds weird again  
could be "the proportion of males that showed their highest interest in doing these exercises are those who belong to the youngest age group"  
- "... regular physical sport with the proportion was 53%."  
i did not understand what you mean here...  
- with the proportion *being* 53%  
- " the figure in males countered the least ..."  
your sentences can be very weird in structure and word choice; try finding another way to express this that is easier for you to write and others to read  
  
- more weird sentences followed; i can understand what you mean but they way you say it is grammatically incorrect  
  
In overall, try presenting this to a tutor or someone you trust to point out your grammatical errors. I'm a learner myself, and i'm not sure i can tell you the correct thing to do...
Siti, I am not sure why your writing skills fell apart in the task 1 essay. I guess you have a problem with analysis reports so you have to work extra hard on this type of essay test. Why am I saying this? It is because the score for this type of writing cannot be higher than a 4. I acknowledge the fact that you had some apprehensions about the way that you wrote this essay, which is why you asked for suggestions about how to fix it. In order to know what you have to pay attention to fixing in the next task 1 essay, I have to tell you what the problems you have, per scoring criteria are:  
  
TA - You did not fully represent the information from the chart, starting from your opening paraphrase, you already made severe mistakes in your discussion. The opening paraphrase lacks:  
  
1. A description of the measurement type  
2. The age groups being represented in the chart for males and females  
3. The instruction for analyzing the essay which is, reporting the main features and then making comparisons where relevant.  
- You placed important information in a parenthesis which means the information is unimportant. All of the information in the chart is important. Nothing is optional. You have to report the data as delivered in the bar graph. That means, not making estimates where actual figures are represented.  
  
C&C - Your ideas are not presented in a manner that is easily understandable to the reader. There is a clear lack of ability to present a coherent and cohesive explanation in each paragraph.  
  
LR - You have almost no control over word formation and your errors cause problems for the reader in terms of understanding what you want to say.  
  
GRA - Sentence development and grammar presentations are severely faulty causing the reader to experience stress in trying to understand your explanation of the report.  
  
I apologize for saying this but I have to be truthful here. This is the worst essay you have written so far. I hope to see you apply corrections to the problem points in the next essay. Keep practicing. That is the only way you can become better at this.
**Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
*Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
**individual passion or market demands?**  
  
Some people maintain that students in university should choose their fields based on their preferences, whereas others think that students should prioritize the future job demands, and only focus on subjects related about them. This essay will discuss both these views and from my perspective, students should select what they want to.  
  
Preference plays an important role in choosing career for college students. First and foremost, it helps students acknowledge what they are truly talented about, so that he or she can have motivation to get to work every day, despite its adversity. For instance, if a teacher loves their job, he or she will be cheerful to go to school everyday and dedicated to make an intriguing syllabus for students. Although the income is modest compared to other occupations and it requires high responsibility, but with sense of honor and pride to their carrer, it is their pleasure to guide the youngsters to the brigher future. Secondly, students who take courses due to passion will be more likely to obtain a successful career after graduate than those who do not, as they have a specific goal on what are they pursing and the mindset of venturing the risks.  
  
On the other hand, future potential fields are also an indispensible part to be considered. As the development of society nowadays, there are several fields that need a plethora number of workers in the near future, such as laws, Information and Technology and medical. Those potential jobs offer the graduate many benefits with high salary, good reputation in society and stability, thus it can be a personal sake for students to choose these fields.  
  
In conclusion, whether it is for interest or future request purposes, individual passion is over marketing demands.
Hello, I think you did a good job. Since I'm neither a skilled writer nor an examiner, I can't cite out any wrong choices of words or expression, but there are some mistakes you made with the preposition after some words:  
  
related ~~about~~ : related **to**  
talented ~~about~~ : I think it should be talented **in**  
You misspelled the word 'brighter' in *'brigher future.'* but I think it's a typo.  
Additionally, I think you should restate your opinion in the conclusion and there should be more verbs that express possibilities instead of writing everything in present simple, which implicates that you are sure of everything in your essay.
Hoang, your essay is not responding to the task at all. You are being asked to discuss whether or not students should be allowed to study subjects in college that are of interest to them or, if they should only study subjects related to their future work. You are responding to the essay from the point of view of someone who has already graduated from college and is already working. That is the wrong discussion approach. You need to approach this essay from the POV of the student, not the professional. You clearly misunderstood the prompt, which led to a prompt deviation in the discussion, which means you did not accomplish the task requirements in terms of discussion points and responses.  
  
In addition to that, your prompt paraphrase is includes some reasoning at the end of the instruction presentation. Since this is not a direct question essay, no reasoning should be provided after you indicate the discussion instructions. There was no need to immediately mention your perspective as you are not able to fully explain your reasons for having such an opinion in the opening statement due to the sentence limitations. Your personal opinion could have instead, been placed as a completely developed paragraph anywhere within the 3 body paragraphs allotment.  
  
Overall, your essay shows that you have the potential to create good discussions, provided you really understood what the prompt was about first. You need to develop your English comprehension skills. Make sure you understand the question first, then worry about your sentence presentation, vocabulary, and clarity of the paragraph.
**Please comment which band i can gain by this essay and give me suggestion related to my writing since i aim for band 7.0**  
  
**Question**  
Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.  
  
**Discuss both these views and give your own opinion**  
  
KEEPING INFORMATION IN SECRET OR WIDELY SPREAD?  
  
**answer**  
  
There is a common believe that information is better to be widely spread particularly if it is related to scientific scrutiny, business and academic world due to the need of acquiring references for inventing new advancements. Conversely, some people would refuse to publish it freely. This phenomenon appears as an appraisal for the dedication of scientists and public's safety reason.  
  
Improvement is compulsory to be made by either practitioner or businessman in order to enable them to adept with this modern world, otherwise they will not be capable to compete in today's millennial life. Furthermore, information such as research discoveries is tremendously necessary to become references for those who aim to discover both advancement and theory. For instance, the world has recognised that today the Switzerland government has begun to implement a magnificient system which is turning waste into energy. Prior to that, the scientist were indeed collecting data from a numerous references such as journal articles to create that sophisticated technology.  
  
On the other hand, most of research paper are not freely published. It appears as an appraisal for the researcher hardwork and their amount of time that has been spent for either their invention or theory. Moreover, the importance of it can also be taken into account as one of reason to restrict the access to this kind of information. To be specific, we cannot deny that a number of discoveries can be dangerous if it is used in inappropriate way. For instance, Indonesia experienced bombing incident on june this year and caused massive deaths in three distinct regions. This incident was occurred because those terrorists has made enormous bomb using the scientist's invention such as chemical substance and so on. Hence, by considering this drawback, I tend to believe that the crucial information should be restricted to the public.  
  
In the end, a wide-spread information is needed to be a reference for every researcher in order to discover a brand new invention to the society. However, it can lead to a dangerous drawback if the information is accessed by inappropriate ocnums. Therefore, I believe that it is better for maintaining the information banned for public.  
  
**(384 words)**
Siti, the original prompt clues you into the fact that this is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay based on the "discuss both points of view and give your opinion" instruction. So that means, you need 3 body paragraphs in the middle of the essay. The format is:  
  
1. Prompt paraphrase  
2. POV 1  
3. POV 2  
4. Personal opinion  
5. Concluding summary  
  
Your opening paraphrase, though extremely wordy and clear, does not include the prompt instruction restatement to explain to the reader what kind of opinion paper you are writing. It make the paraphrase incomplete and as such, can affect your TA score since there is a question as to the type of discussion you will be presenting. The paraphrase has become inaccurate as it includes a response that is not required in the presentation. You turned this into a direct response essay when it is a comparative essay presentation. The correct paraphrase is:  
  
*While there are some professionals who believe that information sharing is necessary in the scientific, business, and academic field, there are those who oppose this point of view. They believe that information regarding development in these fields should be kept a secret as it is too important to be freely given as mutual information. A discussion will be presented for each point of view in this essay along with my personal insight into the topic.*  
  
384 words is overkill in this instance. Don't forget, you need to be clear and direct to the point in every paragraph using only 5 sentences. Your flowery presentation takes too much time to explain what you want to say. Do not show off your vocabulary in a manner that steals from your editing and revision time as you did in this essay. Write no more than 300 words in 5 paragraphs of 3-5 sentences each in order to ensure that you have ample editing time left after you write the document.  
  
In addition to that, you also need to write a personal point of view in a complete paragraph after you write about the 2 public opinion discussions. The personal opinion is never, and I cannot repeat this enough times to all my students, never a single sentence in the concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph should always summarize the discussion and close the discussion with a comprehensive closing statement such as:  
  
*That is why I stand by my opinion that...*  
  
Which indicates a close of the presentation since the personal opinion was given in the prior paragraph. Never close using an open ended conclusion, which happens when you present your unexplained and undeveloped personal opinion in the closing paragraph.
**Topic: Nowadays, children play less with others and this has an impact on their development. What are the reason for this ? Does it have a good or bad effect on children ?**  
  
## busy children nowadays

  
  
The decreasing amount of time spent socializing with others has become more and more common among children, which is believed to have many influences on children's early development. The cause of this phenomenon are varied, and this may lead to many detrimental effects on the young generation as a whole.  
  
Current heavy workload from school and and tempting contemporary techonology are identified to be the two main reasons. Firstly, children nowadays are too occupied with their studies to socialize with their friends on top of constant examinations. Additionally, high expectations from parents on their studies also lead to stress and pressure for their children, which may isolate them from friends.Secondly, the rapid development of modern technology which engenders many new sources of entertainment and social media such as Facebook may mitigate the amount of time for interpersonal activities. As these new benefits from technology may be addictive to some extent, real life relationships establishments might also be neglected.  
  
As a matter of fact, this trend is having apparently deleterious impact on children's development. In terms of their social life, as they have rare interactions with others, this may result in highly limited communication skills, which can hinder their future careers. Furthermore, lack of socializing could be the reason for many mental illnesses. Owing to the time allocated for studying, which renders children incapable of leaving their desk so as to communicate with others, children may suffer from a deteriorating immobile lifestyle or even autism.  
  
In conclusion, the negative effects of seclusion on children may result in the deterioration in social lives and many diseases. Understandings of the causes and impacts should stimulate parents to take proper remidial steps in order to prevent and resolve such problems.  
  
[i]Feel free to share your ideas about this topic and also my essay. If possible, could you evaluate my essay and give me an approximate band score for this please ? Thanks for your attention../i]
Hi, good essay with precise vocabulary. However there are some flaws in your writing, and I am gonna cite it out:  
*As these new benefits from technology may ...* repetitive modal verbs and the sentence is not pretty much precise.  
  
It should be **As technology brings numerous benefits, children tend to spend their leisure times indoor, as a result, they neglect to establish real life relationship**  
  
*Firstly, children nowadays are too occupied ...* The sentence is kind of vague to me.  
  
It should be **Firstly, due to the constant examinations, children nowadays are too hectic with buttload homework and assignments, therefore they have less time to interact with friends.**  
  
*Furthermore, lack of socializing could be ...*  
You can check my sentence: **In addtition, the shortage of socialization could be a negative component to mentality.**  
Otherwise, you did a good job.
This is an overall well-structured and excellent essay. Some suggestions to improve it:  
- influences on *their* early development  
- the cause*s* of this phenomenon  
- misspelled "technology" in the first sentence of second paragraph  
- in social 'lives": i think it should be "in their social life", but i'm likely to be incorrect  
All things considered, i think you presented a truly remarkable essay, especially owing to your extensive vocabulary and your good structure. I'm not an examiner; in fact i doubt that i could actually write an essay as good as yours, so i'm not capable of giving you an approximate band score.