dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@livetostudy123  
Hi, here are some of my suggestions for you!  
  
-the decrease ~~of~~ => in the number.  
-people who purchase~~s~~.  
-the excessive exposure to the screen **of advanced technologies including ...**. I don't think that bold phrase is neccessary since every one knows what advanced technologies include. Also, you must avoid using "..." in an essay.  
  
-brought ~~to~~  people plentiful benefits  
-major culprit ~~for engendering a~~ => behind sedentary lifestyle  
-"printed newspapers or books still play ...". I think this sentence should be writen in the third paragraph where you support that people should use printed books. It makes more sense.  
  
-~~However~~ => better replace with Hence/ Thus/ Consequently/..., people can rely on....  
-it partly decline**s**  
-"One good example for that is the scandals of celebrities...". This example is not really relevant to the idea you are presenting since it is more of social media.  
  
-avoid misunderstanding
The task 2 essay has a word ceiling of 290 words. Do not exceed that word count so that you can properly focus on developing your content and correcting the errors in your essay. With 40 minutes to complete this task, you should leave at least 5-10 minutes to proof read, edit, and finalize your essay content. You actually made several errors in this essay that you should have worked on to get a better score with this essay. The errors are in the spelling, grammar, clarity, and conciseness sections of your presentation. You should have been able to spot and correct the mistakes if you had taken the time to edit your work instead of over writing your essay. A long essay, with several errors in scoring considerations, will not help you achieve a higher or passing score. However, a short essay, with less to no errors will get a better mark. Focus on the preciseness of your presentation rather than length.  
  
You did a good job in representing your extent response in the essay. Excellent work in outlining the discussion points. Don't use 2 punctuation marks successively. You are just using the punctuation marks for the sake of using it, you are not considering if you are using it properly or not. That means, you will fail in the GRA section simply because you did not care about how you formatted your sentences and paragraphs. You actually have enough errors in the overall scoring considerations to prevent you from achieving a passing band score.  
  
You have good discussion points but your explanation development is lacking. Try to better develop your explanations by not focusing on topics but rather, on the validity of your explanation. That way you can have better scores in terms of task development.
## Topic: Describe your favourite movie

  
  
As a frequent moviegoer, I watched a multitude of films. One of the movies I am much into is Lion King, an American musical drama film. It is a photorealistic computer-animated remake of Disney's traditionally animated 1994 film of the same name. I saw this film at least two times yet still love to watch again and again.  
  
The movies tell about a young lion' life (Simba) in the land of Africa. His father died when he saved Simba from the death and fall into his uncle's trap( Scar). Simba became inconsolable and was particularly desolated each year on that day, so he left the land .Scar took advantage of the circumstances in order to become the king of the pride of lions because he is the oldest person. From then on, wildlife became worse. Another animal did not have food to eat and we're exploited by Scar. Simba met his friend( Lala) telling that animal in the land was very difficult. Simba felt love his mother and other animals, so he returned to take the king. Although he is smaller than his uncle, he won his uncle and become the king of the pride of lions. The movie ends up with the scene of the happy life of all animals in the land.  
  
The movie usually gets me to move to tears no matter how many time I have watched it. Not only was the story itself so miserable but also the actor outperformed the ordinary. The movie also aimed to encourage people to become stronger whoever are older them.
When you describe the reason why you have chosen a favorite movie, you should provide only a short synopsis of the story, without giving away too much. The focus of the descriptive essay should be in relation to the way the movie touched your heart of affected your ambitions. The last paragraph of your essay should be the second paragraph because it talks of the effect of the movie upon you on a personal basis. You should be talking about why the movie moves you to tears. Which portions in particular? Talk about the lessons you learned as one of the reasons for your liking the movie. Specifically, why you connected with the lesson. Those 2 discussion points alone will be enough to help you write a good explanatory essay in relation to the topic.
## Discuss about the advantages and disadvantages of cycling

  
  
It's the fact that cycling bring us many benefits. Firstly, using bicycle instead of car or motorbike save you amount off money. Imagine you drive a private car or motorbike, you must pay for not only cost of petrol but also the regular maintence fee. Furthermore, the price of buying car or motorbike is not cheap itself. Another positve side of cycling is that it is good for our health. Cycling not only helps our muscles tone but it also helps to escape from stress. Cycling outdoors is also a good way to "make friends" with nature and enjoy fresh air, dispel all our daily sadness and stress. The last advantage of cycling is that we can protect our environment. Almost people us car and motorbike. It helps to save time but it release a large amount of exhaust fumes and smog, which pollute air. Cycling does not create emissions, the air is not polluted and our environment becomes greener, cleaner and more beautiful.  
  
On the other hand, there are some disadvantages with using bicycle. The problem that confuse people is that it wastes time. In the same distance - 2 kilometers if using motorbike it will take 5 minutes, but if cycling it will take about 15 minutes. Besides, if we need to move far, cycling is not a good choice. For example, in case we need to move long distance over 10 kilometers, cycling will waste much time and effort. But if we use car or motorbike, it will not take too much time to arrive, even it is more quickly and we do not spend too much effort to move. So many people choose to use car and motorbike more than bicycle.  
  
In conclusion, there are both positive and negative aspects of cycling. Personally, I still believe that using bicycle iss better for our life.
Hi! Here are my suggestions. Hope this helps:  
  
+ cycling brings us ...  
+ save you a large amount of~~f~~ money  
+ maintenance fee  
+ ..., the price of  ~~buying~~ a car or ... cheap ~~itself~~.  
+ "Almost people us car and motorbike." this sentence is unclear  
+ which pollute the air  
+ ... disadvantages ~~with~~  to using bicycles.
You may want to reconsider your presentation. It is only really effective in delivering the advantages and disadvantages of cycling as you are not explaining each aspect of the discussion. For every reason you provide a complete explanation must be provided:  
  
- Dis/Advantage  
- Reason  
- Example  
- Supporting explanation for the example  
- Additional information ( optional)  
  
If this is only for an English grammar essay, then you should be learning how to properly separate your explanations by paragraph. That is done by topic. Your presentation does not do that.  
  
Each topic needs one paragraph so your can fully explain the reason for the topic. So in this case, one advantage topic and one disadvantage topic would have sufficed.  
  
Please let me know next time if you are writing a grammar practice essay or an English exam essay. If it is for an English exam, kindly identify what type so you can get a targeted review of your work. Thanks.
Can I have my essay scored (IELTS Writing Task 2)  
  
Topic  
## Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years.

  
***To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.***  
  
Along with the development of modern society, the inventions of numerous advanced technologies are gradually improving the living standard of human beings. Among these is the appearance of computers, which is yet considered the most vital intention of the last decade. While I agree that computers are playing more important roles in our lives, I strongly believe that their drawbacks are still a great concern.  
  
On the one hand, computers are bringing plenty of benefits to humans. Firstly, it makes a load of information easily accessible to everyone in the world with an internet connection. People nowadays can just stay home with an internet-connected computer and search for what they need via search engines like Google or Bing. Moreover, the ability to process data quickly of a computer helps to enhance the performance of every single industry. There are more and more applications that support the management of a company, namely Microsoft Office or Viber, which can reduce the labor-intensive involved and lead to a better performance of a company as a whole.  
  
On the other hand, beside the benefits it brings, the invention of computers also drags along some huge drawbacks. The most dangerous disadvantage of it may originate from its giant information database. Due to the freedom of uploading information on the internet, computer users when trying to update news can be misled by a lot of untrustworthy news sources. In many governments, there are even regulations that consider fake news as criminals, however, preventing this is still a difficult task that requires the cooperation of many involved entities. Additionally, due to the advance of technology, new types of computers are released frequently, which results in a huge amount of electrics waste and environmental problems. We are producing more electronic devices than at any other time, which put heavy pressure on the environment and the planet. And if we cannot come up with the solution for the waste that the computer industry is producing, all the advantages that computers bring to our lives will be countered by their disadvantages.  
  
In conclusion, I personally think that computers are essential to our society, but only when the solution for the problems derived from the invention of computer is made that it deserves the title of the most important invention of the last hundred years.
Hi! Here are some suggestions for you:  
  
I think that with this type of Opinion essay (Agree/Disagree), you should better pick 1 side, OR to write a more balance argument, but still state which side you support more.  
  
In this essay, the paragraph that you write about the drawbacks of computers is seemingly irrelevant, it does not support your argument or your stand point at all. Instead, for paragraph 3, I think that you can:  
  
- write about another positive of computers if you TOTALLY AGREE.  
- write about another invention that is more important than computers if you PARTIALLY AGREE.  
  
Hope it is helpful. Good luck!
You may have your essay scored when you use our PRIVATE REVIEW SERVICE or make your essay URGENT. Scoring is no longer part of our free review services.  
  
**WARNING ! STUDENT SCORING = ACCOUNT SUSPENSION !!!**  
  
There is no middle ground in this discussion. Do not listen to the misleading advice being given above by your fellow student. An extent essay always requires a single opinion, that does not falter from its defense of your opinion within 2 reasoning paragraphs.  
  
By the way, the wrong advice given to you is also useless because you failed to properly discuss the essay based upon the given instructions. You changed the discussion from an Extent Essay to an Advantage / disadvantage discussion. So the essay will fail because your response is not related to the task. For clarity:  
  
Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
Response: While I agree that computers are playing more important roles in our lives, I strongly believe that their drawbacks are still a great concern.  
  
As you can see, you did not offer an extent response, you gave a comparative discussion response, which is totally incorrect given the prompt expectations for your discussion format.
## Some people think that government is wasting money on the arts

  
  
Nowadays, art is a vast subject which plays a significant role in people's life. While many people believe authority is investing unnecessary money on this, I would argue no matter where they capitalize, as long as there is a joyful life, there is art.  
  
To begin with, I will redefine the meaning of art. Each individual has a different point of view about art, but beautiful art means goodness, truth, and beauty. For instance, when a city is projected or when a table is manufactured to inspire and motivate people in life, it is real art.  
  
First of all, that is true to a certain extent that the government could waste their national budget if they subsidized for corrupted art. As it can be seen easily from the media, the art level of artist is diversified; and not everyone can create meaningful and profound works for people to enjoy life. Sometimes, people's life suffers due to negative art. For example, after DC Film published the famous science fiction Bat Man movie, many people were statistically influenced by the villain Joker. As a result, they perform negative behavior in the community or even commit crimes. Authorities, thus, should have more awareness about the disposition of their financial budget for a better future.  
  
On the other hand, the government could completely invest money for positive purposes elsewhere and harvest real art in life. Considering environment protection, as rulers conserve natural landscapes with decent finance, its beauty may inspire plenty of artistic and splendid pictures. Thus art and life are inter-are; this is because that is and that is because this is. There is life, so there is art and vice versa. As long as people keep watering the seed of happiness in the goodness, truth, and beauty, it will prosper in another form of artistic view.  
  
In brief, while it is true that the government possibly put their money in the false purpose and it is wastage, I believe money can not be financed outside the cosmo to transform life as well as art. And the manifestation of art, besides its utility, depends on people's awareness or their energy of mindfulness.
You did not address the prompt requirements of the prompt. This is an extent essay but you failed to discuss it as such. You have written an argumentative essay, without considering that you are not being asked to argue a point but rather, deliver an sense of how much you agree or disagree with the given discussion topic. Therefore, the essay is not in accordance with the prompt requirements. It will be considered as delivering a response not related to the task, which means this essay will have a difficult time achieving a passing score. It is not a comparative essay, nor is it an argument. It is personal opinion essay, but it requires you to discuss it from a singular point of view, based on 2 strong supporting reasons.  
  
It appears that you have a fondness for the extent essays. However, you are not well informed when it comes to how to write such an essay. Do not proceed with writing more extent essays until you have properly learned how to do so. You may review the other extent essays posted here to learn how to address this prompt. You might also consider using our private review services or make your essay URGENT so that you may receive a more comprehensive review of your work and how to improve your writing.
1/ your essay have a range of vocabularies but the word "redefine" means " give sth a new meaning", so did you use it exactly?  
2/ I don't know what is the function of the second paragraph. If it have no function, it should be excluded.  
3/ the last sentence of the third paragraph is out of the topic, because it is not related to government  
p/s: these are my point of view, but i hope it will be helpful for you.
**In some countries people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? And is it positive or negative development?**  
  
*\*note: Since the question is about reasons and whether it is positive or negative, can I batch the requirement and seperate into 2 paragraphs (positive, negative with the reasons included in it)?*  
  
In this modern day and age, it is undeniable that an increasing number of people are devoting more time at work than ever before. This trend happens for a number of reasons and it is considered partially positive and negative.  
  
On the one hand, there are two main factors explained for why spending longer hours at work is positive. Firstly, society is becoming increasingly developed which leads to the increase in people's demand and costs. Since working longer hours at work earns people higher income, they will be able to make enough of a living to satisfy their requirements. Secondly, working overtime means people can approach opportunities to get promotions and rewards. This is because with more time set aside to work, workers may be able to learn more skills, acquire more experience and achievements which give them a big plus over other colleagues. My uncle, for example, who is working as a Chinese interpreter besides doing clerical work in the morning, is promoted to head of department after only one year which is fairly early compared to those working nine to five.  
  
On the other hand, having more time at work also brings a number of negative sides. First thing first, since people want to earn a salary as high as possible, they are willing to work overtime with heavy workload. This would cause them to become exhausted, stressed out or even depressed. In the long term, they would suffer from serious health risks which dramatically affect life quality. Another drawback of this is that people may be prevented from accomplishing outside-work duties. Those who are working are mostly among the age of having a family. As a result, this means they are likely to neglect their family if they devote a huge amount of time to work. Vietnamese parents, for example, whose kids usually have to fend for themselves without any confidence with their parents or clear orientation from them as they have to get involved in laborious jobs that take them most of the day. Consequently, their children would not be provided with sustainable up-bringing which results in further struggles in life.  
  
In conclusion, the tendency of spending more time at work has both advantages and disadvantages and it is caused by several culprits which are demonstrated above.
Hi. Trước tiên mình xin cảm ơn vì đã sửa bài giúp mình. Sau đây là 2 suggestions của mình nha:^^  
  
-explained ~~for~~ why...  
- only one year **,** which is... Mình suggest thêm dấu phẩy ở đây vì câu sau có tính chất làm rõ  
  
Hope my suggestions useful!
Hi! Here are some suggestions for you:  
  
- I think that if they ask "is it positive or negative development?", you should pick **1 side**. Your opinion is not clearly stated in the essay, which may lead to lower TA score.  
  
- The way that you construct the essay is not so clear as well. The question is not a "discuss both sides" type. Where did you give reasons to the increment in work hours?  
  
I suggest you to have 1 body paragraph that contains all the causes and 1 body to argue if it is a positive OR negative trend (pick 1 side only).
(This is a practice for IELTS. Actually, I am poor at making the great arguements and giving the persuasive or concrete supporting details, so I hope readers can provide some suggestions.Thank you!)  
  
***Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History.***  
  
## Discussion both these views and give your own opinion.

  
  
In our high school education system, the students need to decide whether they want to choose the social science group or select a science group. This has been discussed for many years. It is still a controversial issue between high school students and different college students.  
  
Some people support history or other social science subjects are important because it is related to humans and society. People can learn from the back, at the same time, history cultivates people's humanity. Usually, studying in the field, the students' personalities are sensitive and careful. Nonetheless, some people insist that science and technology are the current trends. Students studying science and technology might have promise future and better income. Those students' traits include carelessness and straightforward. They equip better mathematics ability to solve the complicated questions but they are not good at interacting with others and often think not thoroughly.  
  
From my own perspective, I consider that both field are crucial to society or the whole human being. I was a student in the social science group. When I entered university, sometimes, I met some students who majored in the engineering department discriminate against us. They felt that our college didn't have any contribution. At that time, I was mad because they never noticed that in every moment, their behaviors and even speech were closed to our study field. I must admit that in Taiwan, studying science is easy to apply for a high-income position. Companies provide a multitude of job openings. However, it doesn't mean that they are the most significant and outstanding. People's daily life cannot live without social science like history, languages, law, and economics. If any part lacks, society is not able to work. This subsequence sounds even worse than without science and technology.  
  
To sum up, everything existing in this world must contain its function and meaning. Both subjects are equal and they actually rely on each other to let the whole society working smoothly and properly.
Hi! Here are some suggestions for you:  
  
- I think that your intro paragraph does not tightly relate to the question. You should say something about comparing the importance of social subjects vs science subjects. "This has ... It is still a ..." This sentence is irrelevant as well.  
  
You should carefully research the vocabulary that you use:  
- "learn from the ~~back~~ past "  
- "people's ~~humanity~~" --> maybe personality?  
- etc.  
  
I think that overall, your ideas are not fully developed. The next sentences should reaffirm your reasonings or to give supporting examples.
Even though you wrote 328 words, your essay still failed to fully address the prompt requirements. Being a 5 paragraph essay, you should be addressing the essay as follows:  
  
Par. 1: Prompt restatement  
Par. 2: Gender free discussion of the 1st public point of view (History is one of the most important...)  
Par. 3: Genderless opinion of the 2nd public point of view (Sci and tech are more important...)  
Par. 4: First person discussion of the public point of view that you support and why  
Par. 5: Topic restatement + summary of discussion points + concluding sentence  
  
Based on the required basic format for this discussion, you should clearly see why your presentation will be deemed incomplete. The examiner will see this as having skipped a few discussion points based on the original discussion and deduct the appropriate percentage points for it.