dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Aida, I can sense that you are very sensitive about your grasp of the English language. Please don't be like that. We are not here to laugh at you nor judge you. However, if you are so hyper sensitive that we cannot even point out your mistakes in order to help you improve, then you should not have come here to begin with. We are going to point out your mistakes in a helpful manner. If you take it as otherwise, then how do you expect to improve before you take the test?  
  
For example, when I point out to you that your English vocabulary is weak because you do not understand that "taught" means "to teach" and "thought" means "to think", would you be offended and think I am making fun of you? My apologies but that is not my intention. It is however, my intention to point out the weakness of your English vocabulary usage so take that observation as you will.  
  
In addition to that, will you angry because I am going to say that this essay will not score higher than a 2 because of the scattered line of thinking, uneven defense of your reasons, and simplistic presentation? Again, don't be hyper sensitive, that is the truth about your writing and that is how it will be graded by the actual examiner. We are here to present you with your points for improvement. However, if you are too sensitive about being ESL, then you may find it difficult to improve even though we wish to help you do that.
## the proportion of money spent in a British school

  
  
The charts compare, in percentage terms, five expenditures in a specific British school over a 20-year period from 1981 to 2001.  
Overall, salaries for teachers were the main schooling expense in three given years. The figures for all the expenditures gradually fluctuated during the period shown.  
  
In 1981, the proportion of money spent on insurance was the lowest with the rate of 2%. This spending moderately increased in 1991 and 2001 with the number of 3% and 8%. While the budget spent on others workers' salaries witnessed a gradual decline during the years illustrated, falling from 28% in 1981 to 15% in 2001.  
  
The rates of spending on teachers' salaries and resources in 1981 were 40% and 28%, respectively. Both numbers increased sharply by 10% and 5% in 1991, one by one. Nonetheless, the two figures went down in the second decade with 45% in teachers' salaries and 9% in resources, which was less than a half of previous decade. In contrast, the cost for furniture and equipment dramatically fluctuated, which felt rapidly from 15% in 1981 to 5% in 1991 and then saw a sharp rise in nearly 20% to reached 23% in 2001.
.... were the main ~~schooling expense~~  expense of the school in three....  
... with the ~~number~~ numbers of 3% and 8% *respectively* ...  
... ~~While~~ The budget spent ....  
... 1991, ~~one by one~~ respectively.  
... ~~with~~ by 45% in teachers' salaries...  
... than ~~a~~ the half of ...  
... which ~~felt~~ fell rapidly from ...  
... a sharp rise ~~in~~ of nearly 20% to ~~reached~~ reach 23% in 2001.
*It has recently been announced that a large shopping centre may be built in your neighborhood. Do you support or oppose this plan? Why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.*  
  
## big shopping complex close to my home

  
  
Building a large shopping centre in my neighborhood will have a profound effect. Shopping mall will give us a lot of job opportunities as well as some activities that we can relish. Some may agree with the plan while others will disagree. In my point of view building a shopping centre is a good plan. My arguments with my answers are listed as follows.  
  
First, if there is a shopping mall in the neighborhood life will be very easy and convenient. In this frenetic society, we always wanted to have fast and convenient way of living. In the shopping mall we can get all the things that we wanted anytime that we need. For example, ingredients that we need for cooking, school supply, and so forth. These things that we need for everyday living we can find at the large shopping centre. In the shopping mall we can buy everything under the sun.  
  
So, constructing mall in the neighborhood is convenient for many people.  
  
Furthermore, shopping mall in the neighborhood will give us a lot of activities that we can relish. Some people enjoy going shopping, watching movies or having some coffee with some friends. We don't need to go to distant places in order to have some fun; we can enjoy those things in the neighborhood.  
  
Taking into consideration, large shopping mall in the neighborhood will outweighs the cons. We can access all the necessities in our daily lives. In addition, it will give as enjoyment and entertainment.
Shela, there are two mistakes contained in this otherwise acceptably presented opinion essay. The first mistake is that your opening paraphrase begins an immediate discussion of the question posed. As with all beginner writers, this is a common mistake made mostly because you are unfamiliar with the Task 2 writing requirements. The Task 2 essay requires a prompt paraphrase in the opening statement as a part of the English comprehension skills evaluation of the examinee. The proper opening statement here would have been similar to:  
  
*A shopping centre is believed to be within construction planning and development in my neighborhood. While others may not support the proposed construction plans, I am supportive of the commercial development in my area for several reasons. In this essay, I will be presenting the discussion of these personal reasons along with supporting examples.*  
  
The examiner needs to see evidence that you understood what the topic sentence of the prompt was and how you were expected to discuss the topic within the essay. In your presentation, you mistakenly presented actual reasons for your support of the plan immediately. You presented it in the first 2 sentences of the essay. You must avoid making that mistake in your successive essay presentations.  
  
Aside from that, you are not allowed to present single, stand alone sentences that are not fully developed in terms of C&C requirements. Such a mistake will result in a scoring down of that particular scoring consideration. This could result in a severe low final score consideration for your work. Always present the 3-5 sentences per paragraph within 5 completely developed paragraph presentations.
Please kindly help me improve my IELTS writing. Thank you very much for your help.  
  
*It is inevitable that as technology advances, traditional cultures will be lost. It seems that we cannot have these two things together. To what extent do you agree or disagree?* (At least 250 words - IELTS essay)  
  
## how to protect our tradition?

  
  
It has been argued by many that the development of technology has a strong correlation with the extinction of traditional values. Although modern technology and tradition are two contrast values to some extent, the co-existence of the both values should be considered essential.  
  
The first reason is that the preservation of traditional values is strongly promoted by the state-of-the-art technology. In fact, cultural heritage of a nation is promoted by the emergence of online platforms. For instance, since the traditional products made by the ethnic minorities in Vietnam have been recently introduced by social media, an increase in the number of tourists who visited Vietnam has been witnessed for the last 5 years. The growing technology, in addition, has contributed to the preservation of traditional values. For illustrative purposes, if the Vietnamese government did not use the advanced technology to undertake the restoration work of Notre Dame Cathedral, the young generation would not have a chance to visit the place in their lifetime.  
  
Secondly, the co-operation of both traditional values and technology is considered essential for the economic development of any nation. First, by using latest technology, tourism companies are able to generate higher income from tourists in terms of cultural activities and related services. For example, in the era of digital technology, the 3D platform has been applied in numerous activities of cultural experiences, which attracts more customers and generates higher revenue. The application of technology in the preservation of traditional values, moreover, will bring significant benefits for the growth of any industry. There is an increasing trend of using technology in the mass production of traditional products, which increased the quantities of exported goods of Vietnam by 30% in the last 3 years, according to the latest report conducted by Department of High Technology of Vietnam.  
  
In conclusion, modern technology and traditional values should exist together because of a variety of aforementioned reasons. The government should undertake strategic plans to protect traditions by using latest forms of technology.  
  
Word count: 329 words
Long, you are writing an essay that is running counter to the prompt requirement. You in effect, created your own prompt for discussion in the essay. Have a look at this comparison of the original discussion instruction and the response that you created for your opinion essay:  
  
*Original: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Response: Although modern technology and tradition are two contrast values to some extent, the co-existence of the both values should be considered essential.*  
  
By comparing the original discussion instruction with your thesis statement, it becomes clear to the examiner that you will not be discussing the prompt in the required manner because you did not fully understand the simple instruction given for the discussion. This is a single opinion essay based on an emotional extent response. You did not provide that in your opening paraphrase thesis statement. As such, the rest of your discussion points thoroughly missed the mark as well. So your score may either be considered tangential in response or totally irrelevant to the discussion topic. The examiner will have to make that call in this case.
*Although more and more people read news on the internet, newspaper will remain the most important source of news. Do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## the form of providing newspapers

  
  
It is sometimes argued that newspaper is set to the most crucial source of news in spite of the popularity of the digital devices. In my opinion, online news is favored over print newspapers in terms of some following reasons.  
  
The internet, needless to say, brings people lots of marvelous benefits. Firstly, it provides up-to-the-minute news, which helps people keep up to date the latest news such as politics, economics, society, ect. Secondly, people can easily hunt for the things they concern through smart phones, laptops or tablets. There are the max amount of information in the smallest time possible. People, therefore, can read online news anytime and anywhere thanks to the widespread accessibility of the Internet.  
  
By contrast, print newspapers have clear inconveniences which affect their popularity. Unlike available online news, newspaper get paid to read. People will have to spend money on buying newspapers if they want to read news as a result. Moreover, people certainly find it difficult to search for a huge number of information related to the news they concern on a newspaper page. It's easier, meanwhile, to hunt for information in a matter of seconds on the Internet.  
  
To sum up, I consider that online editions are changing our habits in keeping up to date news happening around us instead of print newspaper in the fast-paced world.
Phung, read the prompt instruction sentence. You were asked to agree or disagree. Therefore, your last sentence in the opening paraphrase should indicate a response to the question. The answer in this instance is "I disagree with the given statement." When you respond to the question being asked. Do so in a direct manner that refers to the keywords provided in the question as your response. This will show that you understood the question and that your essay will be discussing the correct topic within your opinion essay. At them moment, the current response that you gave shows a prompt deviation. That means, you did understand the question being asked so your response alters the prompt discussion you were provided with. Such a lack of understanding will lower your TA score since you have shown an inability to grasp the meaning of English instructions.  
  
Your discussion is totally out of place because this is not a comparison discussion essay. This is a direct personal opinion discussion of only one side, as indicated by the choice of "agree or disagree". By discussion both sides and then offering a personal opinion as part of the concluding statement, you have totally failed to follow all of the requirements and guidelines of the IELTS Task 2 essay writing test.  
  
I am not confident that you will get a passing score with this test. You need to understand that there is a specific way of discussing the Task 2 questions, most of which you can find samples of within this forum. I strongly recommend that you read the samples and the advice given in those threads before you write your own essay. That way you will avoid making discussion mistakes as you did on this essay task.
*IELTS Task 2 1/20/2018 (USA)*  
  
## Overspending on items

  
  
Task:  
**In many countries, as people are earning more these days they are also spending money in buying more and more items. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?**  
  
Response:  
  
Studies have shown that as profit of citizens from different country increases, a big chunk of their earnings goes to purchasing material things. Personally, I believe that this is a forward to a negative growth of humans today. This article will tackle the different drawbacks of overspending money for material items.  
  
One negative effect of this situation is the transformation of people to becoming materialistic. In other words, their character changes towards prioritizing happiness through material things. Furthermore, these people put too much value on money because it gives them the immediate happiness they are longing for. As a result, there is an unending desire of having more than what is already owned. For instance, mobile companies have been upgrading phones every year and a lot of people feel the need of being in the trend of the latest gadgets.  
  
Another drawback is that humans set aside saving money for their future needs. People put too much of their money on other things and does not prioritize their future by saving money. This could effect when they would need emergency funds if future incidents happens. For example, when someone in their family gets sick they cannot help them because they have no savings on their account. This could mean another problem adding to the current endeavor that they are facing.  
  
To conclude, the usage of money on products gives more negative effect than the benefit that one could get. They could have problems with needing money when emergency rises and they could have a materialistic character which is not helpful. These reasons outweigh the benefits of using profit for buying products.  
  
Thank you for reading and writing your feedbacks.
1- I think you should add concluding line in 1st body paragraph after your example.  
2- In conclusion there is no need of last sentence as you already said that in first line of conclusion: more negative than benefit  
3- different countries \* (Intro)  
And do not\* , Incidents happen\* (2nd Bp)  
You can also use these words instead of priotizing rather than repeating it -> think , worried , preference.  
Lastly, I didn't get your opening line of 2nd Bp  
PS I'm not an expert.
Jommi, there is a confusing sentence in your opening statement. What exactly do you mean by " I believe that this is a forward to a negative growth of humans today"? Listen, you don't need to be extremely wordy or overly descriptive in your essays. Since English is not your native language, it would be best for you to aim for clear sentences that use everyday jargon instead of trying to sound intellectual in a manner that isn't so. You could have simply said "I believe that this is a negative development in our modern society.", which would have been clearer and made more sense. Also, in your concluding paragraph, you only need to restate your support of the negative discussion once. There was no need for the last sentence that mentioned "outweigh the benefits" because that is a totally different prompt discussion and created an open ended instead of concluded essay in your presentation. You lose major points in the TA section for prompt deviations and non-concluded essay presentations.
*Q. Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
## The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide.

  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.*  
  
A. (392 words)  
  
With the development of our society, travel has now become a popular way to relax ourselves, leave all the worries behind, fresh our minds, and find a motivation start over again. However, whether a trip should be taken with the company of a tour guide has also become a topic among travellers. Some argue that the best way to travel is in a group led by a professional tour guide while some prefer to enjoy the trip by themselves. With a bunch of travel experiences, I will definitely choose to have an experienced company. With a tour guide, the trip will surly be safe and fun. In the following paragraphs, I will elaborate my point of views.  
  
To begin with, a tour guide can not only provide advice on the trip, prevent the tourists from wasting their time on booking hotels and restaurants but he can also guide the tourists to several secret local spots which may not be widely-known. Other than bringing more fun, travelling in group allow the tourists to make new friends during the trip. During my family trip in Bali, the tourist guide helped us book the restaurant, and we, together with the friends we met in the travel group, could enjoy a descent dinner on the beach with the salty oceanic breeze blowing and the stars shining in the sky.  
  
In addition, travelling with a tour guide is a safer choice especially when it comes to taking a trip in an exotic country. A lot of problems can occur if one is travelling alone in a strange place. With a tour guide, the problems such as language barriers and cultural conflicts will no longer worry us. Before my trip in Bali even started, the tour guide warned us about the worship ceremony on the island and emphasized that we should be careful not to touch offereings. After arriving the island, we saw a lot of plates with food and fruits placed on the ground for the ceremony. With the precaution from the guide, we were able to experience the culture without offending the locals.  
  
In conclusion, travelling in a group with a professional tour guide can be a good choice for everyone. What's more, a tour guide can assure a trip to end up with safety, fun and a lot of unforgettable memories to be brought home.  
  
－  
I was not able to finish the essay in time and it took be almost 50 minutes to figure out a better content :(  
It also bothers me whether I should mention my own travel experience and I'm not sure if I'm putting it in a right way (should I make it an independent paragraph?).  
  
Thanks for everyone who is willing to revise my essay <3  
I'm grateful!!!
Tess, always stick to the timed practice tests. If you fail to write an essay within the allotted time then you fail the practice. It is better to fail during the practice rounds than to fail in the actual test due to timing difficulties. Here is a tip, when you write the essay, just jot down the first 3 reasons that come to mind and then build your essay around those items. The brainstorming ideas should cover:  
  
1. Your opinion  
2. The reason for your opinion  
3. An example you want to present  
  
Once you outline those 3 items, the essay will be much easier to develop into a paragraph format. As of now, you just have to write what comes to mind, but don't write more than 200 words. Your desire to write more words is what made you miss the time along with some other considerations. Aim for the minimum during the early practice tests. You can lengthen your essays as you improve your sentence development skills.  
  
As to your question, since the IELTS Task 2 essays are always inclusive of a personal opinion discussion, then you must include a personal experience in the discussion whenever possible. That will help the examiner assess your ability to explain yourself using personal information in the English language. It helps to prove that you understood the prompt topic and discussion requirements as well. Thus, your TA score will have an increased chance of rating on the higher scoring scale.  
  
You made one serious error in your opening statement. That is, you decided to begin discussing your opinion in the opening statement when that was not required. Since this is not a direct question essay, the statement of your direct opinion with a partial explanation is not required. Rather, only a paraphrasing or restatement of the discussion topic, along with an explanation of the discussion instruction is required.  
  
Be careful of your word choices. "Descent" is an action of moving downward or falling while "Decent" means of an acceptable standard. That is a tricky thing when it comes to English words. Some of these have the same pronunciation but different spelling and meanings. Be careful. Using the wrong word / term in a sentence several times throughout the essay means your LR score will be directly affected in s negative manner.