dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## she is so perfect

  
  
Why is she so beautiful? I am here mean to say both inner and outer beauty. Inner beauty is all about the beauty of heart whereas outer beauty is about physical appearance. She is gorgeous, ingenuous and magnificent. My heart blooms when I talk with her. It's been about a 6 or 7 months when I started to talk with her and knowing her but I feel as if I have an inner connection from the very long time. I still remember hours of talk, making a presentation together for her, making a joke, singing a song and playing Antakshari.  
  
I have devastating past about the relationship. I was completely broken by a mendacious lady from Butwal. She made my day and night so tough that even I couldn't have sound sleep during that period. She broke my both heart and trust that I could never trust her again in my life. I was shattered into pieces by her, But the gorgeous, ingenuous and magnificent girl from the Kavre made me so much strong and resilient that those broken pieces of the heart are now consolidated into a single piece. She taught me a lot of things throughout these time. Everyone wants such a precious lady to be a part of their life but I have to think from her side also. She always wants me to be a good friend and nothing beyond that. I can't break her expectation by going beyond that. Despite having an inner feeling for her I can't say to her express to her because I can't lose such a lady who helps me a lot to get over the devastating past. I have to make her happy by doing as her wish.  
  
After a long time conversation finally, I got a chance to meet her. She was convinced to meet for the first time. That day was one of the best days of my life which can be counted in my hand's finger. I had such a great time with her that those memories would never fade away from my mind and heart. She is even more beautiful in real than in her picture. She is lofty. She has perfect BMI. Her astonishing beauty is the one which I couldn't describe in a paragraph and I don't have enough words in my words to describe how much beautiful is she. There is a saying "Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder". Whatever other eyes see her but this is what I see and feel about her that day. More than that I know that she is so much beauty in her inner heart. It makes me feel so great when I realize that she has a very nice heart, nice behavior. I wish even if not her I could get a girl similar to her in both inner beauty and outer beauty. She is one of the reason nowadays that I smile every day without a reason. She is the reason that I am doing great in my work every day. She is the reason for positive vibes in my life because she made me believe that good, naive, innocent people still exist near to us. She is the only reason for being optimistic towards the future that I can meet a good girl in my life may be not as much as beautiful to her but somehow at the certain level to her. Whatever happens in the future I will remember her till my last breath.
Sunii, as far as creative writing goes, this is a pretty decent written presentation. I can feel your heart in the words that you wrote and the pain that you felt during those instances of heartbreak. Regardless of the grammar mistakes, your imagination comes through clearly, and your message is heartfelt. You do not have a problem when it comes to expressing yourself in this essay. You do have a problem when it comes to sentence structure and connecting word usage.  
  
One example of a problem in your writing can be seen in this quote:  
  
I am here mean to say both inner and outer beauty.  
- The proper sentence structure for this is: *I mean to say both her inner and outer beauty*. There is no need to say "I am here" because, as the writer, your presence is already granted by default.  
  
I have devastating past about the relationship  
- It would have been better to say "This relationship is part of my devastated past" or "This relationship devastated me"  
  
Now, when you mention culturally specific instances such as the game of Antakshari, you need to remind yourself that the reader may not be familiar with the game or term so you need to present it in a manner that helps the reader understand the relevance of the game to the situation or merely explain the game to the reader.  
  
There are several other grammar problems, sentence structure problems, and references that need to be corrected here but I can't do it all for you. However, I have pointed out one sample of each problem that you need to pay attention to the next time you write. I strongly suggest that you type your next essay using he latest version of MS Word as this software includes immediate grammar correction and sentence structuring advice which can help you create better essays by correcting your mistakes and teaching you about the grammar and sentence structure rules at the same time.
*Hope you can leave some comments and give some advices. Thank you all for reading my essay*  
**Some people think that culture traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Other believe it is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.**  
  
When travel plays a pivotal role in economic developed process, different opinions have gradually appeared to discuss about the main intangible profited resource to maintain the vacation industry's survival. Some people claim that traditional culture will disappear if they are used for trade purpose, but in total this shall be the most important thing helping us save our traditional values from foreign attractions.  
  
On one hand, culture traditions are former values which do not suit with modern age. Tourists' psychology is curious and stimulated with new things so they yearn for weird and peculiar places. If travel agents want to increase profits by attracting tourists, they shall choose which suit with customs' needs, so traditional activities belonging to indigenous culture will easily be dismissed because of their outdated fashions. These cultures bequeth deep-rooted thoughts in a small number of people so they do not proper for a large number of tourists including foreign ones and expats, which can not maximize profits to local and business.  
  
On the other hand, traditions have their own worthy merit in attracting travelers because of specific and unique values, which can not be found in any culture. If we exhibit these achievements, they can escape from the risk of falling into oblivion and being eclipsed by other travelling imported cultures. Moreover, we can maintain culture uniqueness in intergrated process but be assimilated by different countries thanks to public's recognition. For instance, "ao dai" dresses and Chung cake are not only can not disappear from broadcasted activities but also raise the prospect of Vietnam traditional culture to many countries.  
  
To sum up, although traditional values can decrease our potential resources in some extents, but these are vital for our initial civilization and deserve to be well-preserved.
Linh, your opening paragraph made my head spin. It was so wordy and needlessly complicated that you ended up not really representing the original prompt as a restatement. Your first sentence alone is a terribly long run-on sentence. The prompt paraphrase for this could have been as simple as follows:  
  
*Countries these days entice the interest of tourists by highlighting their traditional culture as tourist showcases. The problem that most people see with this practice is that the culture itself is destroyed in the name of financial gain. However, there are some people who support this method of tourist promotion because it is the only way to continually promote the relevance of their culture. I believe that it would be best to consider both sides of the discussion so that I can offer a personal opinion about it.*  
  
You can use the first person pronoun I in this instance because this is a personal opinion essay As a first opinion essay, you cannot help but use the first person pronouns to reference yourself in the writing. This also makes it clear to the reader that you are discussing your point of view already and not the public point of view as represented by the reference to "most people" or "there are some people". The presentation above clearly represents the original prompt topic and discussion instruction in a more complex and originally structured manner.  
  
The presentation does good work of representing the public point of view in the discussion but fails to represent an explanation of your personal opinion in a stand alone paragraph. This 2 POV + Personal POV essay is always done in a 5 paragraph format, never 4. If you do the 4 paragraph format, you will automatically have missed out on representing your personal opinion paragraph which will affect your final score as your TA will only be partially complete and be scored accordingly.
## rates of smoking in Someland

  
  
The given line graph illustrates reveals the rates of smoking in Someland between men and woman over the course of 40 years starting from the 1960s  
  
As can be seem from the graph, It is clearly evident that both men and women in the rates of smoking in Someland witnessed and a downward trend over the time frame  
  
In 1960, The rates of smoking in Someland registered the highest among the two, standing at 600 men, this rates decreased to about 550 men fifteen years later and then continued plunged to a low in the vicinity of 400 men in 1990s the following 10 years in this graph ,meanwhile brought a sustained decline in the figure of 240 men in 2000s, A similar trend could be seen in the rates of smoking in Someland , as it stood at in the vicinity 100 women in 1960s and soaring to reach 320 women in 1975s in very 1000 smoking women and then the rates brought a sustained decline from the top 320 in 1975s to 280 during the 1990s , In the late 1990s to 2000s the century, however, plunged to a low in the figure  
  
In conclusion, we can totally see the rate of smoking in men dropped from the beginning to the end, the rate of smoking in women increased until 1975s but then decreased for the rest of the period  
  
*   
*Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information in the graph below, please!!!!!!*
Tu, the trending statement should only be a single sentence in the presentation. What you did here is a constant presentation of the trend within the graph rather than creating a summary comparison for the given information. Being a 4 paragraph essay, you should have only presented about 175-200 words. 230 words is simply overkill and, with only 20 minutes to write this analysis, is impossible to attain during the actual test. Don't forget that you still need to proofread your paper so you can correct simple mistakes such as spelling errors (seem instead of seen).  
  
One way of making this presentation shorter would have been to discuss the graph in a time bracketed manner. That means, you lump the information for analysis into groups of 3 years each. That way you can report about the lowest, middle, and highest points of each set without having to write too many words as you did in this essay.  
  
Remember to divide your sentences with periods. You have a tendency to just keep on typing without considering any punctuation mark usage in your presentation. The essay becomes extremely difficult to read when you do that. It is a mistake that could result in a failing GRA score for you in an actual test. That will mean failing the test on a technicality that could have been avoided if you were just not careless about your writing style.
The given line graph *illustrates reveals*  
You should remove one of them, because they are both verbs  
  
between men and *woman* over  
you can change this word into women as plural form  
  
I suppose as overall, the figure of women couldn't be said having a downward trend, because the number of female smokers rose over the period shown. I think, we can say that the number of smokers were predominantly men.  
  
registered *the highest among* the two  
i prefer not to use superlative because we compare only two things.  
  
decreased to about 550 men ...  
you count it wrong, it should be 500  
  
then *continued plunged* ~~to a low~~ the vicinity of 400 men in **1990s the following 10 years** in this graph  
You used two verbs in one sentence, you can change plunge into plunging or remove "continued" , just remove the stricken part or you write "stood under 400", i think it is not efficient to write two similar adverbs of time.  
  
similar trend could be seen in the rates of smoking in Someland  
this part is vague, because it doesn't refer to women figure  
  
you repeated the same phrase and preposition many times in your writing. i find it difficult to understand your writing, because it is not coherent and you made several grammatical mistakes. you made two separate paragraphs filled with conclusion. you separated the explanation for the two figures, you didn't make comparison between them.
## household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia

  
  
The graphs compared Japan and Malaysia in terms of five categories of average family expenses in 2010.  
  
Overall, in both nations, housing and other goods and services accounted for the largest percentage in 2010. By contrast, families in Japan and Malaysia spent a negligible amount of their budget on healthcare.  
  
In Japan, exactly 20% expenditure was spent on transport, that is 2 times larger than the percentage of their counterparts in Malaysia. In terms of food, the figure for Japan slightly less than that of Malaysia, at 24% and 27% respectively. Families in Malaysia just spent 3% of their budget on health care that was half of their spending plan in Japan.  
  
In Japan, the largest expense was for others good and services, at 29%, while the figure for Malaysia was higher, at 36%. However, spending on housing of Malaysians was 34% which was 13% larger than those of Japanese. (150 words)  
  
*
Hello Van Phuc Bui !  
  
The graphs *compared* Japan and Malaysia,  
I think the word compared should be change to compare, in introduction part, you can use simple present tense  
  
housing and other goods and services *accounted* for the...  
I think, you should add "were" accounted to make it passive form  
  
that*is* 2 times larger than  
Change with was  
  
that was half of *their* spending  
i think, it is better to remove this word, because it is vague whom it refers to  
  
*In Japan*, the largest expense was for others good and services  
i think you can change how you start the paragraph, because it is repeated  
  
I'd suggest you to explain more detail about health care, because you put it at overall paragraph. In short, your writing is good enough.
Phuc, you have not written enough words to portray a complete analysis of the pie charts. Do not aim to write only the exact number of minimum words for the Task 1 essay because that means you will miss out on several key information points that will have an effect on your GRA, TA and C&C scores.  
  
For instance, you did not present a complete summary for the opening statement of this essay. Missing from your presentation are information about the data used for the comparison, which means you have to list the comparison points located in the pie chart. These would be housing, transport, food, etc. That is because the information overview should inform the reader about what the upcoming discussion paragraphs will be about. You also misidentified the image supplied for the comparison. Part of the TA consideration is the reliability of your information. So not properly indicating what image you were provided for comparison purposes will affect the way the examiner reads your analysis report. Your trending statement is also unclear as you are presenting a comparison instead of a single trend occurring in the image.  
  
Next, even though you can complete your basic information presentation within 2 sentences, that does not mean you did a good job in discussing it. If you do not lengthen your presentation to at least 3 sentences, you are not fully comparing the information from the chart. You are merely stating it as you see it. Try to be consistent with your paragraph presentations so that you can get a higher C&C and GRA score. Write at least 3 sentences per paragraph so you can achieve something close to that scoring consideration.  
  
Do not start 2 successive paragraphs with the same reference. Saying "In Japan" twice in such close proximity of paragraphs means you are not even trying to vary your sentence presentations. So you are not aiming to create complex sentences that can help to improve your score. If you said "In Japan" already, you can next say "With regards to... Malaysia shows that... While in Japan..." Sentence presentation variation matters in a task 1 essay due to the possible redundancy of information presentation that could increase the risk of reader fatigue and stress.  
  
This is a good start. You are showing the potential to score well in an actual test, just not at this very moment and not with this essay. Maybe your next essay will be closer to achieving that.
Hi everyone, I am Caroline. I am taking the IETLS test in a few days and I really need your help in order to estimate my band. Please review my writing and leave some comments. Thank you.  
  
## adaptation to new traditions or not?

  
  
In recent years, when globalization becomes a more common term, the term "immigration" tends to be so popular all over the world. People seem to prefer migrating and living in other countries for better lives. Eventually, they will have to deal with a big question when they set foot on the new land "Adaptation to new traditions or not?". Personally, my answer is "Definitely Yes"  
  
From years to years, traditions are something that everyone should respect. Everyone has their own customs, which appear extremely solid in mind. Thus, some people can not stand if someone seems to be offensive to their beliefs. In this case, coming to a new country and insisting on keeping your own traditions will bring you a lot of troubles. For instance, in most Middle East Asian countries, where they are so insistent about their customs, seeming to be not respectful may make people be unwelcomed, offended or even on a higher level, attacked or injured. Despite being considered open to cultural diversity, North American, being unrespectful will give newcomers an unsatisfying experience when locals unwelcome you.  
  
On the other hand, coming to a new country with basic knowledge of local traditions benefits newcomers a lot in getting along and being settled down. Every single one coming to a new land will have to deal with thousands of difficulties, knowing how the country works will get you involved in much faster and easier. For example, in Canada, Canadian are so famous all over the world for being so polite by always saying "Sorry" in most situations, no matter what. If migrants know this tradition and apply it in their daily life, they will eventually get respect from locals, get involved in society and furthermore, promote their later future.  
  
In conclusion, I am absolutely into the idea that people should adapt to new traditions and customs to get involved in the new community and have better chance to fulfill their future.
hi Caroline. I think you should not use words such as everthing, something or anything because it is not clear. Try to find diffrent words or paraphrases.  
  
Ex: ~~Everyone~~ People has their own ...  
the words " you, we, us, our" are not also used in Ielts writing task 2 because they are informal. you can replace these word with " they or their" or paraphrases.  
  
I hope you get a high score in Ielts test.
Hi Caroline, there are 2 instruction prompts for this topic. This is either a simple agree /disagree discussion or an extent of agreement/disagreement essay. Since you did not remember to post the full original prompt with your response essay (a requirement of the forum for review and scoring considerations) I will not be able to score your essay.  
  
You know what? If you had given a more accurate paraphrase of the prompt, I would have been able to decipher what type of essay discussion you were being asked to provide. That is the problem, most students fail to understand that the opening paraphrase is the most important part of the essay because it shows how well you are able to explain the topic, reason, and instructions based on the original presentation. If you can successfully explain what the essay is all about, then you will have a tendency to pass this test.  
  
This being an academic but personal opinion based paper, you have to refrain from placing questions and quotations in the presentation. You must be direct to the point and clear with regards to your discussion. You must also make sure that you double check your grammar rules and punctuation guidelines. "Definitely Yes" should be out of the quotation marks and not capitalized unless it is presented as a title for a movie, book, or something similar. Make statements, not quotations.  
  
Now, I am preventing myself from discussing some other problems that I see in your paper because I lack the original prompt basis for comparison. I believe your paper has more errors that can be presented and corrected. Unfortunately, I can't go beyond the general review due to the lack of the original discussion instructions.
## educators make young learners become more mature

  
  
Education not only substantially orients people's behaviour but also fundamentally affects social awareness. Many individuals assume that when juveniles begin educating institutions, pedagogues obtain further impacts on discerning and societal enhancement than parents do. In my point of view, instructors will predominantly affect instead of parents on their intellectual and social development due to 2 indispensable reasons: teachers can support the children to acquire the background knowledge and they have strict disciplines  
  
· First of all, educators have firm effects on juveniles through the academic training. Indeed, teachers can understand the psychology of their students because they were acquired qualified knowlege capably. For example, young adults who begin the professional education grow up gradually thus their psychology is exceedingly complicated. For this reason, teachers who have background knowledge and absorb a range of psychological perspective can assist the kids with promoting their abilities and awareness. Furthermore, the intellectual capability of academic students is more advanced than the primary children. As a result, teachers will instruct the specific areas to orient the learners towards finding reasonable occupations.  
  
· Last but not least, educators maintain stringent laws to control the class. In fact, it hardly has flesh-and-blood relationships between students and teachers, hence, the instructors will behave impartially. For instance, the pedagogues tend to adjust the rules that operate rationally for the age of the students, especially the primary children. As a result, the students will follow the laws unconditionally because they do not experience acutely. Aditionally, juveniles that carried out criminal activities are now being regenerated, they can not be regarded like students that are studying in qualified education. For this reason, they should comply with these severe laws operated by the instructors to return to the society.  
  
· To conclude, I strongly believe that educators are the predominant factor that make learners become more mature because they are attended to professional systems.