dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## overconsumption of sugar products

  
  
Even though the consumption of too many sugar-based drinks causes many problems such as obesity and diabetes, people indulge in those sweet products more and more. There are several reasons for this and some solutions.  
  
Three main reasons entice people to consume a lot of sugary drinks. First, research studies show that most children and people over 50 years old love sweet foods and drinks. In fact, 9 out of 10 children said that they usually drink coke or sugary milk every day. Second, colorful advertising featuring celebrities drives sales of sugar products thereby playing a crucial role in luring consumers to try those drinks. On average people spend nearly 3-4 hours per day watching TV and surfing the internet which exposes them to a large number of advertisements and makes them not only desire a sweet taste but also believe it is healthy. Third, in some people that become afflicted by sugar addiction, doctors believe they can't help but consume sugary foods and drinks whenever they see them.  
  
Clearly this is a sad state of affairs. Luckily, society has a few ways to fight back. The government definitely can raise the taxes of sugar products and companies that produce them thereby forcing those companies to increase their prices. Those increases will cause consumers to purchase less of those products. Schools should also become more involved through direct instruction in classrooms, advertising campaigns, and physical fitness programs. By raising awareness of the problems of sugar consumption at a young age, society combats the problem earlier reducing the likelihood it will grow as large later.  
  
In conclusion, although several societal forces conspire to tempt people to consume sugar products, steps can be taken to ameliorate the problem.
There needs to be a proper restatement of the original prompt. That means, you have to accomplish 3 things:  
- Tell the reader what the original topic is about  
- Answer the question: What are the reasons?  
- Answer the question: What are the solutions?  
  
In your rewriting, you changed the topic from "People are consuming more sugary based drinks" to "sugary drinks cause many health problems." That is a topic change because it is not represented in the original topic presentation. You were asked 2 direct questions that also required direct responses. Instead, you chose to simply say that there are several reasons and solutions. That sort of response does not give the examiner a clear idea of how well you understood the discussion instruction. You also did not give a specific discussion topic outline that would have been presented in the 2 reasoning paragraphs.  
  
The essay requires you to use public knowledge or personal experience for your reasoning. So you should not be using research references in the presentation. The data you are using, such as 9 out of 10 children, is based on actual research, which you cannot perform during the actual test. Although you did present 3 reasons in that paragraph, the disconnection of the presentation from one topic to another created an under developed reasoning paragraph that offered only subjects for discussion, but no actual discussion development.  
  
You have to same problem in your solutions presentation. There should be a connection between government taxes on sodas, school education, and raising awareness. As usual, the solutions you presented did not really have any supporting nor connected discussion points, which render the paragraph weak and under developed again.  
  
Then, there is problem with your concluding paraphrase, you failed to present a summarized version of the discussion. You also did not write at least 40 words for that presentation. A simple 2 sentence wrap up would have sufficed. Based on these observations, the problem with your essay focuses on 2 sections:  
  
- A lack of task accuracy  
- An inability to clearly explain given reasons using proper supporting statements.
hi guys, firstly I want to say thanks to you guys for helping me with checking my previous essay, your feedbacks are really helpful for me. here is my writing task 2, please give me some feedback, thanks a lot!  
  
***Genetic engineering is an important issue in society today. Some people think that it will improve people's lives in many ways. Others feel that it maybe a threat to life on earth.***  
  
## Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

  
  
People have different views on whether or not genetic engineering is fortifying our life standards. Although it can not totally deny the obvious advantages it bring for our modern lives, i personally believe that there is some existing drawback of its to our planet.  
  
On the one hand, there are plenty of improvements in most of the aspects of our life. In the past, some original products could not own the good properties, in other word, it did not bring high nutrition quality, or good taste and what is more, productivity. For example, there were many destroyed crops due to their weak trait itself- which made them die easily from severe weather, insects or if they did not, the products of the harvest were usually in an extremely low standard. Therefore, thanks to genetic engineering changing the structure of gen, the scientist have brought out a lot of new species which are far better than the original version, they have outstanding features such as productivity, ability to survive under the bad weather.  
  
On the other hand, it should be considered to be underlying intimidation to the life of human-being. The reason for this is that genetic engineering may be taken advantage of for some dark purposes or even some unexpected attributes accidentally created and especially GM products is too expensive for people in developing countries. to illustrate, some research shows that gen engineering outputs can cause allergic reactions for some people, or even toxin from them have been detected in human's blood.  
  
In conclusion, there are convincing arguments both for or against the influence of gen engineering, but i believe that besides the plus point of this method to our lives, there are still have some negative effects we need to be careful with.
Please familiarize yourself with the various discussion formats for the various question types in the Task 2 test. In this instance, you did not actually discuss the essay based on the indicated format. This is essay asks you to discuss both points of view and give your opinion. So the 2 reasoning paragraphs must be discussed in the following manner:  
  
Sentence 1: Public point of view statement  
Sentence 2: Reason for this public point of view (explanation via third person pronouns)  
Sentence 3: Transition sentence opposing said point of view  
Sentence 4: Your personal point of view ( Using first person pronouns)  
Sentence 5: Explain your point of view as it opposes or supports (one paragraph for each opinion) the public point of view to prove the strength of your opinion.  
  
In your restatement, you changed the discussion from "Discuss both points of view and present your own opinion" to "i personally believe that there is some existing drawback of its to our planet." Based on your personal opinion, you did not understand that the discussion is to be based on your understanding of the 2 public points of view. You have to oppose one public point of view and then support the other. You cannot just present a generalized comparative discussion.  
  
As it is, the essay will be graded based on an unrelated response to the topic because you changed the discussion theme throughout the essay. Therefore, you will not be able to get a passing score for this presentation. There were only 2 points for discussion in this essay:  
  
- Some people think that it will improve people's lives in many ways  
- Others feel that it maybe a threat to life on earth.  
  
Your personal opinion should have been formulated based on those 2 discussion points. It should not have been based on your belief about existing drawback of genetic engineering. That is not a topic that was part of the original discussion considerations.
## People are living longer after they retire. What are the problems? What can be done to solve the problems?

  
--------------------------My Work -----------------------------------------------  
In this day and age, people's health is being significantly improved thanks to advances in healthcare. As a result, more and more people enjoy extended lifespan after their retirement. While there are manifold problems stemming from this scenario, there are just as many tangible solutions to tackle them.  
  
The drawbacks of having longer life expectancy pose a couple of threats on a social basis. Firstly, it is inevitable that city population may be subject to steady increases. This is because birth rate is getting faster while death rate is becoming slower, which creates intense stress on urban population. Secondly, another dilemma might come in the name of housing shortage which is the result of high demands in living spaces. Consequently, housing prices will also be on the rise as retired work force usually spend their earnings on properties, trying to buy up houses to store as a lucrative investment for their descendants.  
  
Challenging as the problems may seem, some viable measures can be employed to ameliorate such unfavorable situations. Regarding city overpopulation, the government can subsidize into countryside amenities such as public places where the elder can socialize and have quality time with their peers. This may attract people of over working age to the outskirts, therefore, substantially reducing the number of urban citizens. With respect to not only housing shortage but also expensive accommodations, more apartments should be constructed, targeting the middle-class as well as offering low-interest mortgage loans so that a wide range of citizens can afford their homes.  
  
In conclusion, the major worries arisen from prolonged life expectancy after retirement can come in forms of pressure on either urban population or living spaces. However, these issues can be met with practicable measures such as investing in countryside amenities and building more affordable apartments.
You must make an effort to present a clearer thesis statement in your paraphrased presentation. Try to never add information, such as healthcare advancement, which changes the original discussion presentation. You are scored based on how close your restatement is to the original. Not what reasons you can add which change the reasons of the original discussion. There are 2 questions asked, therefore 2 direct topic responses are required in your presentation. This brings you restatement closer to a 3 sentence presentation, which is the more appropriate paraphrase / thesis restatement presentation for a better TA score.  
  
Good reasoning discussion points in both paragraphs. Expect to score well in the C&C section due to the clear connection between the problems and solutions you have presented. Your concluding paragraph falls more under the run-on sentence presentation. It can very well have been divided into 3 sentences, thus creating an increased TA and GRA score for you. One thought per sentence is better than combined thoughts in one sentence in terms of clarity in the paragraph presentation.
## ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES ESSAY

  
  
***Topic: Many teenagers now have their own smart phone. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this and give your own opinion.***  
  
Essay:  
The young now have more chance to own a smart phone than their parents ever. Beside the advantage is that they can learn independently anywhere at any time, wasting time is the biggest drawback from smart phone that I believe parents should supervise the phone usage regularly.  
  
Learning freely is the advantage that teenagers who have a smart phone gains the most. Because the internet is everywhere, students can approach to many knowledges around the world with different languages. With an ability to collect right information, it will maximize the advantage when studying. In my experience, I have found many courses that improving myself such as Learn and Master guitar system by Gibson which teaches me to play a guitar at home through a phone screen. And there are many more schools choosing to teach online in the Covid-19 pandemic which will expand the chance for learners to do research by themselves. This helps young people using phone properly and increasing their research ability. Despite of its advantage, distraction is the biggest problem that young phone users have to deal with if not being looked after carefully.  
  
There are many features in the phone take attraction from the young such as social medias and games which means that it distracts the young from studying. While in class, a notification pops up and its owner will subconsciously take the mobile to check. This action cuts the concentration flow and it takes a moment to focus again which prevents students from deep work or study. As concentration is being stolen, the result after studying will be noticeable low.  
  
Teenagers are received many modernist technologies that even did not appear in their parent generation. So, the one who choose to use phone wisely will profit most instead of throwing time out of the window.
You need to provide a close enough reference to the original prompt in your restatement. You cannot change or add to the original presentation because that changes the essence or message of the original prompt. A more appropriate restatement would have been:  
  
*More young adults these days own internet connected mobile phones. With this ownership also comes benefits and drawbacks. Based on some personal considerations, I would have to say that due to the prevalence of these gadgets, there are more negatives than positives to its ownership by these people.One advantage is... While a commonly known disadvantage is...*  
  
Avoid starting words with conjunctions. As connecting words, you should be sure that there is an idea previously presented which will connect to the next idea in a cohesive manner. That means, you should not be starting the second sentence in the first reasoning paragraph with "because" or "And". The first reasoning paragraph was getting along well in terms of clarity. However, the sudden entry of the Covid-19 discussion in the paragraph, with very little explanatory development, created a confusing and little developed topic presentation. You should have just stuck with the single reason you presented at the start. Setting aside that error though, you did a good job in using a transition sentence at the end of that paragraph. That will surely help your C&C score as you proved that you could connect the advantage and disadvantage discussion in a clearly connected manner. You presented a convincing negative discussion as well. It was clearly defended using knowledge and examples.  
  
However, you did not write a proper concluding paragraph. I am not sure what you were trying to discuss in that paragraph. Whatever it was, you failed to clearly make yourself understood. Next time, aim to simply restate the topic, the advantage, the disadvantage, and your opinion. Do these within 3 sentences and you will be able to present a well developed and presented concluding summary.
## should the government impose a high tax on fast food?

  
  
It is true that the number of victims of diseases related to fast-food is growing considerably every year. Some people suggest that a heavy tax should be imposed on fast-food, which is a good idea, in my opinion.  
  
Junk food obviously has multiple adverse effects on people's health, especially weight. The high contents of fat and carbohydrate in fast food are the main cause of obesity. Fried chicken and deep-fried potatoes, which are made with a thick coat of bread-crumb soaked in repeatedly-used oil, can be taken as a good example. Its popularity affects everyone's daily diet and adds an excessive amount of calories to their bodies. Obesity and other diseases not only diminish their lifespan but also hinder their working ability. Thus, a strict measure should be taken on a national or even international scale to prevent further consequences.  
  
Applying a high tax is surely a good point because the primary reason for enormous fast-food consumption is its low price. With the addition of tax, it is no longer a cheap and available choice. People will instead opt for purchasing fresh ingredients to make better-valued and healthy meals. Moreover, we could ensure the reduction in the number of junk-food suppliers because if there is a higher tax, the business will seem less lucrative. This also means fewer people can have access to fast-food and related illnesses.  
  
In conclusion, an urgent rate of diseases associated with the use of junk food should be well-aware and tacked. Applying a strict tax level is an effective measure in this case.
Unfortunately, your paraphrasing is incorrect. It is not based on the original information provided for the discussion. The topic was about the idea that some people regarding unhealthy foods. Their thoughts indicate a belief that the government should tax fast food so that people will be encouraged to eat healthier foods. Your restatement claims that the original prompt was asking you a true or false question regarding the illnesses causes by fast food. That is the first error in your rephrased presentation. The second error, is the lack of the measured response or degree of your agreement or disagreement with the given discussion. So your TA score will reflect that your total understanding of the given discussion is incorrect. Why? Due to the wrong topic for discussion and response to the question provided. These errors will be enough to actually make you fail the test already.  
  
Your first reasoning paragraph is incorrect. You are not being asked to discuss the health complications of junk food. So you are discussing an unrelated topic. You should only be focused on the tax question and the defense of that opinion based on 2 justifications. In this case, your first reasoning paragraph will not be considered. The word count you used for the non related paragraph will be deducted from the 250 minimum count.  
  
Your concluding paraphrase also failed to provide the summarized discussion wrap up that you were expected to provide. Your presentation in that section does not follow the original prompt discussion either. Based on the incorrect discussion presentation, you cannot expect to get a passing score with this essay.
## RICH COUNTRIES OFTEN GIVE MONEY TO POORER COUNTRIES BUT IS DOES NOT SOLVE POVERTY.

  
*THEREFORE, DEVELOPED COUNTRIES SHOULD GIVE OTHER TYPES OF HELP TO POOR COUNTRIES RATHER THAN FINANCIAL AID.  
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THIS PROBLEM?*  
  
Poverty is one of the most troublesome and problematic issues in this day and age. Therefore, many solutions have been come up, including the act of donating money to the poor from prosperous nations. However, according to numerous individuals, financial aid cannot cease the problem and that developed countries should take a different approach to poverty. Personally, I decidedly agree with this statement owing to several reasons.  
  
First and foremost, despite donating a significant amount of cash to poverty-stricken countries, these places still struggle due to corruption. With no severe laws and reinforcements, numerous dishonest police officers, governors, and other powerful individuals take the money for their own benefits. As a result, the poor will inevitably become poorer whereas the ignorant and dishonest individuals will be better off.  
  
Another reason why financial aid is useless in ceasing impoverishment is owing to improper use and handling of money. Some developing countries invest a substantial amount of money into a diversity of projects with the hope to become wealthier. However, they will be at a high risk of failing and losing all the money if the leaders are unexceptional or ignorant.  
  
Since financial aid cannot solve poverty effectively, several other solutions should be put into use instead. For instance, developed nations should send volunteered educators to impoverished nations to introduce a more effective and efficient mechanism of study. These well-qualified lecturers are able to teach students in poverty-stricken places to handle money properly and to become a better leader.  
  
Moreover, prosperous nations should send their own constructors, engineers, and architects to erect infrastructures instead of letting these tasks under the management of poor nations. The reason is that when rich countries engage in building projects, they are likely to keep corruption and misuse of their money at bay. Furthermore, indigent countries may not have the right techniques or state-of-the-art machinery to manage colossal infrastructure projects.  
  
In conclusion, although financial aid is a speedy and convenient solution, it is, undoubtedly not an ideal way to deal with destitution. Developed countries, therefore, should employ other solutions that are more practical.
Kindly remember the time limit for the writing task. You have 40 minutes to discuss, with as little errors as possible. So you have to keep the essay within a proper word count, say 275-290, so that you can have more time to improve the presentation in terms of clarity, cohesiveness, and word usage. These are the errors that I spotted when reviewing your work. You do not need to write 346 words, with errors in them. You need to make sure that you can provide a clear explanation rather than simply just a long essay. The length isn't important, the clarity of your explanation, based on reasoning and logic, are what assure you of a better score.  
  
You need not present a reason for poverty in your paraphrasing. There was no reason given in the original so adding that information, though it seems helpful to you, reduces the accuracy of your restatement. Stick only to the provided information in the rewriting. That way you do not accidentally deviate from the original presentation.  
  
You changed the discussion parameters for the presentation as well. You were only asked to provide an extent of agreement or disagreement with the given topic. Those are the only aspects you will be scored on. So discussing solutions are not necessary in the presentation. As such, the word count that covers the solution discussion will be deducted from the original presentation. That leaves your essay with more or less 211 words. The essay is now under the minimum 250 word count. Meaning, the irrelevant discussion points you worked so hard on writing will actually cause this essay presentation to get a failing score.