dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Your prompt paraphrase needs work. The prompt paraphrase is only used to show that you understood the original discussion topic and are capable of restating it in an original manner. There is absolutely no need to go into topic deviations such as the 4th Industrial Revolution and the like. The paraphrasing of this topic is actually quite simple and straightforward. Allow me to show you a better sample of how you could have approached this discussion:  
  
*The ease by which people can acquire personal computers for entertainment purposes have had an effect on kids. Kids are now spending most of their time playing electronic games. An activity that appears to have both a good and bad side for the youngsters.  
  
Even educators admit that gamers exhibit a better range of analogy, processing speed, and mathematical intelligence than non-gamers do... A negative aspect related to these advantages are that being so enthralled in the f...diet-related health issues.  
  
Even as these interactive games promote online socialization via virtual worlds where... the same games are seen to stunt the emotional growth of its players. It is believed that video games have been the subject of objections for depictions of violence and criminal activities...*  
  
Do you see what I did there? I connected 2 topics in every reasoning paragraph. Thus fulfilling the "advantages / disadvantages" discussion each time. When you discuss these types of essays, look for reasons that can have both the pro and con discussion presented in a related manner. That way the discussion is connected, strengthening your C&C discussion score in the process.
Hi guys,  
  
I am learning how to write essays, starting with paragraphs. Here is a paragraph about measures to protect endangered wild animals species.  
  
## the danger of wildlife

  
  
Nowadays, a wide variety of wild animals are in danger of extinction due to several reasons. One of the natural causes is climate change. For example, greenhouse affects lots of plants, which are the food chain for animals, decrease, even disappear. Another serious factor causing rapid decline of wildlife is human activities. During industrialization, people are polluting air and poisoning water resources by construction running factories, resulting in destroying animal living environment. Besides, deforestation by the human-being is losing the home of many species wild animals. In addition, trading endangered animals such as rhinos, elephants, ... by smugglers is increasing day by day. As consequences, many kinds of rare and precious animals have no way to live and no place to give birth. So what solutions to the problem should be done? It is important to provide radical solutions by governments to prevent loggers from destroying natural forests. Also, the construction of wildlife sanctuaries is also one of effective answers to the matter. Moreover, community awareness of preserving wildlife should be propagandized and encouraged nationally and internationally; and sanctions on wildlife illegal trading need to be legalized. In conclusion, the danger of wildlife on land or in sea is caused not only by climate change but also irresponsible activities of people, and several measures need to be carried out to mitigate its adverse effects. If we do not protect the animals, we will put them on the brink of extinction.  
  
I think there are many mistakes here, so please help me to correct them. Thanks for reading=))
Any essay, be it an academic or English exam presentation requires the same formatting presentation:  
  
-Introduction  
-Discussion 1  
-Discussion 2  
-Conclusion  
  
Your current essay contains references to each part. However, you just compressed it all into one paragraph, which made the essay difficult to read and keep track of. You did not really do much work in terms of reasoning development, which is an integral part of essay writing. You have to practice dividing your essay into discussion topics/paragraphs where you clearly explain and support your reasons. That way you ease your reader into the discussion and give them a chance to keep track of the discussion in a manner that makes the essay easy for them to read and remember.  
  
Now, in relation to your grammar errors, I'll assume that you are preparing for the IELTS and use the UK English rules to review your work. Let's get started.  
  
When you use an apostrophe, you need to be sure if you are simply referring to the noun or pronoun of a word. When you referred to "species", you needed the apostrophe at the end to change the form of the word from the noun to pronoun form. When using the word "So" at the start of the sentence, you need to place a comma after it. It will indicate a pause and also, an introduction to the sentence content. You should also understand the use of the word "The" in the English vocabulary. Whether American or UK English, the word is used as the most common connecting word in sentences. For instance "people are polluting THE air and THE water sources".  
  
This could have been a 2 paragraph presentation. The first part indicated the causes and the second part, offered the solutions. The start of the next paragraph should have been at the point where you said "So what solutions..." Again, the essay could have been separated into paragraphs based on several other discussion topics presented. However, I want to concentrate on only 2 parts of your presentation for now since you are just starting to learn how to write essays. These tips should be useful when you write your next practice essay.  
  
You have the potential to develop good essays. I hope that I can continue to guide your improvement in the future. See you here again soon!
## The old way of thinking in the modern life

  
  
The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extend do you agree or disagree this view?  
  
Nowadays, it is true that the different between traditional values in the past and traditional values in the modern life has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although some ideas are outdated, I believe that others are useful in preparing younger generations.  
  
On the one hand, there are many the view of older generations become less relevant in the modern world. First, in the past, it is significant that the roles of men and women are trained to become a good breadwinners and guarantee housewives respectively, but now this view could not have been attached much importance. Second, secure job is such a key factor that decide someone success or fail in the old day; however, youngsters desire to experience as well as try to many different works. They tend to keen on diversity and new trial in their career path. Moreover, young adults get themselves to make decision on finding a partner and getting married of their choice.  
  
On the other hand, youngsters can learn a lot of traditional values which bring many lessons today. In the era of integration and development in the globalized world, in no way do young generations not to get in touch with people coming from various cultural. Therefore, youngsters can be able to inheritance politeness and good manners like respectful, hospitable from previous generations. Besides, by learning about working hard and taking pride in one's work of elderly generations, there are many benefits helping young people in their work for a better job. Finally, one of the most element making people happier is neighborliness, so in my view young generations should learn this value from older people.  
  
In conclusion, although old way thinking may sometimes seem to not suitable in today's world, what some traditional ideas bring for youngsters are really necessary and helpful in the modern life.  
  
(305 words)
The question is "To what extent do you agree OR disagree with the given statement?" You are not being asked "Do you think the belief has advantages and disadvantages?" Since the word OR exists in the original presentation, you are clearly being required to choose only one of the two options to discuss in your essay. This is a single point of view essay discussion, not a comparative discussion. it is because of this comparative discussion in your essay that your TA score will only be a 2. That score is based on the fact that your essay does not express a solid position as required by the discussion instruction. As such, the full discussion will not be helpful in increasing your score to the 5 base score for a passing essay.  
  
Clearly, you did not understand the discussion requirements, which is why your response format is incorrect. Based on the error in your discussion approach, it will be silly for me to review the other problems in your presentation as it relates to the scoring considerations. You already failed the test the minute you made that mistake in your prompt paraphrase and discussion question response.
## Is it good or bad for young people to change jobs frequently?

  
  
Topic: Today, many young people tend to change their jobs every few years. What are the causes for this? Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?  
  
Answer:  
It is quite common that a lot of young people are likely yo change their jobs every few years. There are some reasons caused for this situation. In my opinion, it have more drawbacks that benefits.  
  
One of the reason caused many young people are likely to switch jobs is this kind of young people want a better quality of life. New jobs offer them higher salaries. So young people can gain more money to get the higher living standard. Another reason is them have greater ambition. They are willing to challenging new things, such as they are able to study different skills in the work. Therefore, that can be satisfied. Young people always change jobs bring some negative effects. It takes time to adapt to the new environment and be promoted to a higher position. People need to know the surrounding of new jobs, so it spend their time to be conversant. Also, the first people to enter the company start from the bottom, so if young people always change jobs, they would have no opportunities to promote. For instance, when they have only been working at the bottom for a few mouths, that may have started to think about new jobs and they only gain the starting salaries.  
  
What's more, young people who like to change jobs not be trusted with responsibility. It shows that this kind of people are not loyal with their companies. So big firms are likely to employ the common worker instead of disloyal worker. Some firms even think this kind of disloyal people will bring the secret of firms to public.  
  
While there are some benefits to young people who like to switch jobs. They enable to learn more new skills, such as they may cook before, but now they work in the clothes companies, so they can learn spinning.  
  
To sum up, I understand that change jobs again and again have some positive impacts, I believed that it bring more negative effects to the young people.
The essay restatement is good. It clearly restates the prompt and outlines the discussion paragraphs clearly. However, when it came to the actual application of the discussion paragraphs, the essay presentation fell apart. It created confusing paragraph presentations because of the unreasonable focus on reasons rather than a comparative discussion. The format for the reasoning paragraphs should have been:  
  
- Perceived advantage topic  
- Reason why you see the advantage as a disadvantage  
- Supporting example depicting the advantage as a true disadvantage  
- Additional explanation (optional) in support of the example  
- Introduction to the next topic  
  
Just 5 sentences covering 2 related topics in one paragraph. This would have created a cohesive and coherent reasoning discussion which would have tremendously boosted your scores across all sections. You have actually written an essay that shows your familiarity with the topic. The problem, is that you were unable to properly support your explanations with clear reasoning presentations. Always remember, it is the clarity of the explanation, not the number of reasons that help you score well in the end.
## money on the arts

  
  
Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extend do you agree with this view?  
  
The importance of art is usually belittled in regards to its contribution to the growth of countries across the world. While I agree that in some countries where citizens face poverty or adversity in healthcare and education, the money should be reserved for these services, the countries with secured economic situation should, however, invest in the art projects and gain benefits from the policy.  
  
It is more practical for less developed countries to invest in the servies that are most needed. Not all countries in the world can provide their citizens with enough basic necessities in life. Some of which are even suffering from wars and severe life conditions. Therefore, the governments should adopt a more pragmatic resource allocation scheme by giving out food, shelter and education opportunities to their people. By doing this, they can make sure their citizens at least survive and live somehow comfortable lives before they can reach other bigger goals in life. If the government overlook their real difficult situations and keep investing in art, this would leave the burden on the citizens' shoulders rather than help them.  
  
However, some countries with more developed economy which can secure life of all their citizens should consider allocating its budget in arts. Arts in general can promote physical and mental well-beings of individuals and this can only be achieved after physiological needs are fulfilled, which means people are not starved and fully sheltered . A good piece of music or a vivid painting can usually uplift people's moods and tend to boost workers's productivity and serves as a means to unwind better than any other alternatives. Therefore, the money granted to art projects, would no doubt do wonders on citizens' overall well-being, which in turn benefits the society as a whole.  
  
In conclusion, it depends on the stability and security of wealth in each nation that they should make investment in arts a priority.  
(Linh, 317 words)  
  
P.S I would highly appreciate comments on my writing. It seems like my second paragraph has not been well developed. Any suggestions on how to improve it will be sincerely welcomed.
You might have an additional idea for the third paragraph: Arts is not only aesthetically pleasing and play a pivotal role in our sentimental life but it also expresses the culture of a country. Moreover, human beings have a diversity of talents. Hereby, it is unfair for people who are innate in Át not to gain any support from the goverment. Had it not been for their songs or their paintings, the nation would not have been synonymous for having such talented geniuses.  
  
You should give your opinion, I think it is agree or not. It will not only lengthen your essay but also be a strong suit in grammar and vocabulary. Have a shot at it, for example, Each has a point but i have the tendency to gravitate towards sth...  
  
Your essay has a upside: very clear idea, but you need to enhance your diversity in using sentences structures. To make it clear, it is practicality of ... that; or If...,... and passive voice. Could you attempt to use more academic words? And remember, add more lexical resources. I know you paraphased well, but to make it more transparent, you should put more "Additionally, Consequently, Moreover,..."you name it, or "It is far from truthful to say that ...." or "In the grand scheme of this problem,..." It sounds quite academic but believe me, its familiar to them.  
  
Consequently, Im not very sure if it can help you to improve as I dont have much experience in IELTS. I am just studying in a highschool in Viet Nam. Stay safe during this pandemic.
@bee\_linhtinh  
**Some grammar errors you can fix:**  
  
**1-** *Not all countries in the world can provide their citizens with enough basic necessities in life. Some of which are even suffering from wars and severe ~~life~~ living conditions.*  
  
The phrase "life condition" is true but uncommon and rarely used. "Living conditions" refers to the circumstances of a person's life-shelter, food, clothing, safety, access to clean water, and such. I don't think "life conditions" is an idiomatic phrase. An alternative might be "conditions for life," which refers to circumstances needed for physical or biological life to exist-water, energy, a suitable environment, and such. If there is a distinction then:  
  
- "living conditions" = conditions under which you live  
- "life conditions" = conditions under which you are alive, though other phrases like 'conditions for life' are more common  
  
**2-** *Arts in general can promote physical and mental well-being~~s~~ of individuals and this can only be achieved after physiological needs are fulfilled, which means people are not starved and fully sheltered.*
This is a single opinion essay. You cannot use a comparative discussion format for this. You are to fully support a strong stance given the discussion topic. In order to support the statement, you first need to indicate how strongly you feel about the topic. You cannot simply agree or disagree. You need a sense of heavy emotion to complete the response. Additionally, you should not have started your actual discussion in the prompt paraphrase. You should have reserved it Had I written the prompt paraphrase for this essay, I would have said:  
  
*Most governments have a policy of supporting the arts. However, certain sectors of society do not support this move. They believe that the financial allowance for the arts should be re-allocated for more important projects. My personal observations regarding this discussion topic has led me to strongly disagree with the latter belief. I believe that the allowance for the arts should not be distributed to other projects.*  
  
Now, once you have made your support for a particular side clear, the examiner will expect you to justify your position using 2 valid positions in the reasoning paragraphs. One reason per paragraph. You must never do a comparative essay and have a divided point of view unless you are discussing a A/D essay topic. Anything other than that topic in particular, you must always present a solid support for only one side.  
  
The reason behind this is simple, by focusing your discussion on only 1 stand to defend, you will have the full opportunity to score well in the coherence and cohesiveness section of the essay, which is the next highest scoring consideration in the grading rubic. When you divide the discussion points into pro and con, you do not create a cohesive and coherent presentation. It alters the instruction from the singular stance discussion to a divided stance presentation. That runs against the original instruction for the discussion as provided.
@bachache: I appreciate your idea about another upside of investment in art. As for the structures and language used in my writing, I think I would try to make it more varied and concise.Thanks for taking time to read and comment on my work.  
  
@ phong3baotap: You enlighten me with my misuse of the phrase "life conditions" and " living conditions". Thanks a lot!  
@ Holt: Thank you so much for reading my essay and giving advice on how to present my stance properly. I agree that a single opinion essay would help to increase the level of coherence and cohesion of the essay. I would take time to work on that. I highly appreciate your help!
## Criticism of zoos

  
  
Over the recent years, a range of zoos has been built in order to meet the certain need of entertainment industry. Despite the common belief that zoos do wonders for our life, other criticisms placed emphasis on their radical downsides. In my opinion, zoos are undeniably beneficial; however, I totally agree that animals should not be kept in this environment.  
  
​On the one hand, zoos have been proven to play a pivotal role in our life for a long time. As for children, had it not been for zoos, they could not have met a diversity of animals in the flesh instead of gazing them via televisions. It is the practicality of this place that schools are attempting to replace Biology lessons by zoo trips. Although it is difficult in the sense that hardly can teachers take care of their pupils, this method helps students enhance comprehension and release stress after nerve-racking tasks.  
  
On the other hand, keeping animals in zoos is based on the principle of preservation, yet this approach impedes their wild characteristics. To make it clear, a lion might lose his ability to hunt the preys after a ten-year period staying in a prohibited area. Moreover, with the speedy development of technology, human beings are virtually having the tendency to gravitate towards smart devices. Hereby, the lower income zoo staffs earn, the more inhumane attitudes towards animals they have. Unarguably, wicked treatments pose a threat to animals' vulnerable mentalities. In reality, a variety of zoo creatures suffered from depression because of starvation, isolation and fear of being treated in an unethical way.  
  
​In the grand scheme of this problem, despite their strong suit, zoos are unacceptably violating animals' right. Although these places are still prevalent in the society, I do believe that animals should grow up in their natural habitats since this approach helps improve biodiversity.  
  
P/S: Could you rate my band score since the next month Im about to have an actual IELTS test. I don't know what to improve, may you suggest too...? And last but not least: stay safe and healthy during this pandemic!!!