dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Sajad, you forgot to include the original prompt with your posting. I am not able to assess nor score your essay without knowing what the full discussion requirements are. The original prompt is a standard requirement for all essays being posted at this forum for review. Please remember to attach the picture next time. I'll just give you a general essay assessment for now.  
  
From what I can tell, you may have gone overboard with your opening prompt restatement as you launched into a full discussion immediately when only a paraphrasing was required. Your succeeding paragraphs do not properly focus on a single topic for discussion, which caused a highly confusing and underdeveloped discussion on your paragraphs.  
  
By the way, there is a 5 sentence limitation per paragraph. You must develop your skill in comprehensive writing in order to achieve that. A comprehensively written sentence should not be mistaken for long sentences or run-on sentences. A comprehensive sentence delivers a clear discussion point using only a few words in well structured sentences and paragraphs.
@Chocomint777  
  
I enjoyed reading your writing, it flew nicely I think. However, I spotted some grammatical errors and misspelled words there. The story happened in the past and for some reasons you still used infinitives. These are some:  
  
.., but my stamina ~~won't~~ let me ----- wouldn't  
"~~lets~~ skip flute ..." ----- let's  
that ~~makes~~ one thrilled... ------ made  
~~putted~~ it back to my backpack ---- put  
I tried to calm the tides, ~~talking~~ with my friend and ~~watching~~ the skies... ------- talked and watched. because i think they happened in order so still use past verbs.
Yongju, when you set up your first paragraph, you need to do so in a reflective manner. Ease your reader into the story you are about to tell by first, pondering upon the memory. What did it mean for you during that time? What is your reason for looking back into the memory now? Where did the memory take place? Why did this hold a special memory for you?  
  
The second paragraph should open with an indication that you are doing a flashback to the start of the memory. Don't do the flashback in the middle, do it at the start. That way you tell the story forward instead of doing 2 successive flashback references. As you can probably tell from the way your essay got lost in its presentation, having 2 flashbacks makes it difficult to develop your presentation.  
  
Overall, the story has potential. It is a part of your childhood that helps the reader get to know more about you. However, the presentation you used is confusing and not very well thought out. Try to use an outline for your story presentation before you begin to draft your revised essay. Maybe then you will be able to write a more coherent story for the English essay exercise.
This is a writeup for my History of Design class. Hope to get some feedback from you! Thanks a lot!  
  
---------  
## rapid change and development brings new challenges

  
  
Recycled paper shopping bag - be sustainable  
  
Industrial revolution is a watershed in human history.  
  
Before industrial revolution, human life was changed many times in many ways due to cognitive revolution, agricultural revolution and scientific revolution. All these changes happened in hundreds of thousands of years.  
  
After industrial revolution, our speed and power of changing the world has been insanely increased and it is still increasing. During the past 300 years, human went from hand production to machines and chemical manufacturing. Urbanization and professionalization tremendously reshaped the way people live and work.  
  
As we are celebrating gorgeous accomplishments brought by science and technology, the very rapid change and development also bring new challenges to us. Healthcare, food safety, renewable energy, sustainable development and environmental protection, all the challenges are warning us that we should slow down, refine or rethink our assumptions rather than press onward. In Silicon Valley where is a heavily tech-and-data-driven world, money and intelligence are pursuing the next hi-tech innovation, such as AI, VR, AR, IoT, to name but a few, while arts and humanities, or design, are playing much subsidiary roles in this game.  
  
Without guidance of humanities, this game could be a dangerous competition which may cause intractable problems that we have never faced. It is time for designers, economists, psychologists, sociologists and more social scientists come onboard and work out a bright future.
Sherry, this can only be considered a possible outline for topic discussions in your homework. I failed to find a thesis statement that would help me understand what the purpose of your essay is. It sounds like you are just throwing ideas together without any consideration for how these will come together to form informative paragraphs. Each paragraph is disconnected from the next one because of the lack of transition sentences. Again, the lack of transition sentences could be due to the faulty or almost non-existent discussion outline for your essay.  
  
Fix the essay by first, presenting the objective of the discussion. You have the topic presented, but you have not told me why I should care about this homework of yours. What is the point of the discussion and how do you plan to convince me of it? That should be the first paragraph.  
  
After you figure out your thesis statement, you should be able to develop a clearer discussion outline for your essay that will allow you address any preliminary research questions that you might have developed during the course of your research. There seem to be conflicting discussion points in the essay so you need to address those as well. All the discussion points need to connect otherwise, your essay will just be a bunch of disconnected information paragraphs.
*Please give me some advice about my essay.*  
  
**People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.**  
  
ANS:  
  
## child/adult turning-point

  
  
There is a huge gap between children and adults. It ranges from behavior to thoughts. We may easily tell the mature adult from innocent children due to these patterns. What kind of events that causes this change? People may raise varied aspects as an answer. As for me, I would say, it definitely will be those 'turning points' in their life. And I'll describe it in the following.  
  
Being left behind will make children an adult. It's a extremely heartbroken situation, but we must admit it. For example, China has experienced its rapid develop rate recent years. The GDP of China had become the top 2 in the world--just behind America. And numerous foreign companies set up their office in China, like Johnson & Johnson, etc. In fact, manufacture workers have paid much effort into the rapid development. The workers come to big cities seeking for opportunities, which means their kids could only be left at home. The responsibility of caring the whole family has left on their shoulders: they need to care for the young and the old; they will cook for them; even some will drop the school so that their younger sister of brother could go to primary school. Everything has forced them to be grown up and mature enough.  
  
The children with a broken family would be acting like an adult. In those family, the responsibilities of parents will be passed to the young children. In order to carry that on, what choice do they have other than being mature? I had a good friend in high school. Unfortunately, his parents has been divorced since he was only 10 year old. When I first met him, I just thought that he was such a gentle guy--as mature as an adult. Later when we were in a relationship, I finally knew these stories about him. Because of their divorcement, he was raised up by his grandparents. Their body was not that healthy enough, so most of the time he needed to care for them. He tells me that at that time it was really a big shock for him which almost makes him grow up over a night.  
  
Those 'turning-points' I mentioned above are really a turning in a child's life. After that, there lives would have a reversion: some are forced to live alone while others are forced to carry the burden which are beyond their abilities. In order to carry them on, they have no other options to choose but accept it and become mature. That's what makes a sincere children become a mature adult.
Hi, this really wasn't the response I was expecting from this prompt. When I read the prompt, I think of experiences that many or most people go through on their way to adulthood - maybe leaving their parent's home, getting a job or going to college, living on their own, or even getting married. Or you could talk about ceremonies such as Quinceneras or Bar Mitzvahs. I guess you did address the prompt. Still, your thesis statement does not seem to match the rest of your essay. I expected to read about turning points, but instead your whole essay was about parents leaving their children. And this was vague to me. Do you mean parents completely abandoning their families, or parents moving to cities while their kids stay behind in the villages, or parents going to work every day and leaving their kids alone in the apartment? To me, you could have made this more clear. And I would expect to see how someone raised like this would be different than those with a more typical upbringing. What about being left behind makes a person an adult? Also, a lot of your sentences give background information like foreign companies and GDP instead of sticking to the topic. Finally, you should make better use of transitions to being your paragraphs as well as inside the paragraphs. Here are some specific suggestions.  
  
and adults, with differences ranging from behavior {"it" was unclear to me before}  
  
mature adult from the innocent child due {make sure your structures are parallel}  
  
events cause this change?  
  
will be those 'turning points' in their life. {I don't really like these quotes}  
  
And I'll describe exactly what I mean in the following.  
  
Being left behind {add a transition to begin your paragraph}  
  
will make a child an adult.  
  
extremely heartbreaking situation {the situation is unclear to me - what do you mean by leaving children behind?}  
  
,experienced a rapid development rate in recent years.  
  
companies have set up their offices in China  
  
manufacturing workers  
  
seeking ~~for~~ opportunities  
  
caring for the whole family has been left  
  
some will even drop out of school so  
  
The children from a broken family {or "of"} would be acting like adults. In those families  
  
his parents had been divorced  
  
I finally learned these stories  
  
their divorce, he was raised ~~up~~ by his grandparents. They were not ~~that~~ healthy enough  
  
almost made him grow up overnight.  
  
After that, their lives ~~would~~ have a reversion  
  
carry the burdens which are beyond  
  
carry them ~~on~~,
Sophia, I think you did not post the full original prompt for the discussion. The topic sentence is missing. All we have is the introduction and the discussion instruction. That is why your essay is a bit difficult to analyze in terms of purpose and response validity. However, since I am a native English speaker, I am capable of piecing together most of what the original prompt might have been asking of you. That is why I have a totally different take on your essay in terms of its response to the (possible) prompt. I believe that it is highly effective in explaining the reasons why you believe that the economic boom of China has resulted in turning points in the lives of the children.  
  
The problem, does not lie in your reasoning but rather, your presentation of the opening paraphrase. Personally, I believe that your presentation would have been better if you had given the presentation a personal insight right from the very start. I would have said something like:  
  
*It is widely accepted that children and adults are of different in many ways. However, there are times or circumstances in a child's life that force the child to become an adult. My experience as child of a "separated due to work" family will best illustrate the points that turned me, as a child into an adult. In this essay, will be discussing that turning point in my life.  
  
I became an adult because my parents left my siblings and I behind so they could work to support our family. This is something that is normal among families in China. It is a heartbreaking in any situation but it builds a responsible child adult in the process. The separation is caused by the rising economy of China. It is the 2nd largest in the world behind America. So large international companies come to build factories in China, which results in a migrant worker boom. Parents leave their children in favor of work. The eldest child, who in this case, was me, is often left to take care of the family and fulfill adult responsibilities.  
  
My family was broken so I needed to become an adult. Their responsibilities passed on to me. Responsibilities such as...*  
  
There are times when a TOEFL essay requires a personal insight into the matter, using personal experiences to strengthen the discussion. This essay is one of those sorts. It would have been highly beneficial for your TOEFL score if you had used your experience solely as the driving point for the discussion because the examiners tend to score personal experience and knowledge higher than the theoretical explanations.
Hi, everyone.  
I am about to take TOEFL exam  
Please give me some suggestions or advises!  
Also, i am a little confused about the summary.  
Do i basically just sum up the things that I mention in my essay?  
Thanks in advance!  
  
**Some students prefer to study alone. Others prefer to study with a group of students.  
Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
## group of students helpful in tasks

  
  
While some like to study alone to prepare test, I am more inclined to study with group of students, because they can give me guidance to the difficult questions for me and I can practice English oral skill with them as well.  
  
Figuring out questions you do not know is a good way to study. When we are studying, often finding some theories or questions very hard to comprehensive even if we may simply check the answer key. This results in not understanding what's the main gist behind it. As a result, group studying comes into handy! Take myself for an example. When I study, I always need someone to give me "backup". If I have difficulty with certain theory, I can just ask the people beside me, instead of peeking answer key and still confusing myself.  
  
English oral skill should be prepared by conversation with real people. In college, it goes without saying that everyone has to take English courses. In this modern society, it is impossible that you only have to learn reading and listening. Thus, the school will test you English speaking ability, but how do you prepare it? Take for example my group studying association in university. In this group, I can learn lots of academic knowledge. Much to my astonishment, it can also help me to sharpen my English skill because there are many native speakers in the group. What I have to do is to speak to them. No matter what subject we are talking about, my English speaking skill only goes up so that why I always get A+ in my English test.  
  
To sum up, it is really helpful to have a group of students help you to prepare test or study together. They can figure out the questions you don't know. The most important of all, they can help you speak fluently. That's the reason why you have to study with group of students.
Hao, you need to first stop transliterating your essay from Chinese to English. This practice, which is commonplace for most ESL students, creates an incomprehensible or difficult to understand or analyze sentence and paragraph presentation. This will also be the cause of the failing score for your essay. In paragraph 2, I found it extremely difficult to understand what you were saying in terms relating to that of the topic sentence because your choice of English words did not suit the sentence you were developing. When reader stress is present, the result will be negative for your score.  
  
The regular format for all English exam essays covers 3-5 sentences per paragraph. So your opening statement is short of the required number. You need to split up your presentation into individual sentences so that you can better explain yourself. Don't try to present complex sentences at this point. Just take baby steps. Simple sentences that carry your thoughts accurately will be a better bet than trying to use too many English words that don't really get your point across.  
  
The summary should be nothing more than a restatement of the prompt along with your opinion at the end. Here is an example of a prompt for this topic:  
  
*There are students who learn better when they review their lessons alone. Other students, prefer to join group study sessions for several reasons. I personally prefer to study with a group. In this essay, I will explain the reasons and offer examples as to why group studying is a better choice for me.*  
  
As for the conclusion, that is actually optional in the TOEFL test. However, if you want to present a concluding paragraph at the end then yes, sum up the things you mentioned in the essay within 3 sentences. I prefer that students offer a conclusion at the end of a TOEFL test because it helps to prove your English comprehension and presentation (ability to understand and discuss) skills. That can easily help to increase your final score.  
  
In a TOEFL essay, you should not use exclamation points because you are supposed to be presenting an academic paper. So only periods and commas should be found in the presentation. Do not pose questions in your paragraphs because you will end up discussing something different from the original prompt in the process. After all, when you present a question, you have to answer it. If the response is not related to the original prompt, then you are in trouble. Hence, it is better to not pose questions within your discussion. Rather, present the questions as statements in order to make it more suitable for the purpose of the essay.
Since not all countries live under a democratic form of government, it would perhaps be best if you avoid making any political references in similarly themed GRE discussions. As your writing proves, one can create a strong discussion without referring to certain topics that might be explosive or not totally applicable across the world. Using general references makes the discussion more free flowing and removes the question of "how" in situations where the discussion you are presenting might not be applicable. Your concluding paragraph feels forced. It does not sound like it should have ended where it did. I feel like you need to add a more final sentence at the end that tells the reader "My discussion is finished". At the moment, it feels like you need to add another sentence along the lines of;  
  
*These reasons and evidences all prove that only by questioning authority can we develop a better understanding of our world in the context by which we live in it.*  
  
Overall, good work on the essay. You were able to consider the possible counter arguments to your own and you came back with strong evidence to refute the possible claims the other side would be making. Although there are 2 problem points in the presentation as far as I can tell, the essay is still well developed and presented to the reader.
Question:  
  
**Parents should not pressure their children to choose particular profession. Young people should have the freedom to choose path they like.  
To what extend do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## career path choice

  
  
Answer:  
  
Children must not be force by their parents when choosing a specific career. They should be free to decide the profession they want. I strongly agree that children should not be pressure and free to decide path they desire, therefore they need to be considerate towards their parents.  
  
Some parents, particularly professionals usually demand their children to follow their steps. These kind of attitude put a lot of stress to their children's mind and their relationship. For instance, when a parents are both doctors or lawyers, they simply assume that their son or daughter will pursue the same career. As a result, children do not want to disappoint their parents are pressured and forced to follow their path, even though they are not completely motivated or perhaps have another job they want. These will also lead children to blame their parents when the times they cannot success with the job that their parents chosen for them.  
  
Young people must be free when it comes to selecting career. Parents may be the one who will support them financially, however the decision should be lean on their children's own choice. Despite the freedom that may be given to them, young people should open-up and communicate well to their parents. They must explain to their mother and father and let them understand the reason behind their decision to pursue different profession instead. Perhaps, their parents will support them in the path they decided to chase.  
  
In conclusion, parents should support and guide their children when choosing career rather than pressuring them. Hence, young people must be considerate enough to let their parents to understand and accept the path they decide for themselves.  
  
Hi... I'm preparing for IELTS exam. Please someone review this essay. Please point out what I've done wrong and what must I do to improve my writing. I'm not good in grammar and using wide range of vocabulary. I'm still learning English. Thank you \*\_\*  
  
250+ words.
1. Grammar accuracy:  
- You need to put these verbs into passive form: force (line 1), pressure (line 2)  
- Verb tense: chosen (line 7) -> chose  
2. Task response: You've made a remarkable effort to express your idea. As far as I understand, you claim that parent should offer financial support rather than force children to follow their willingness in occupation. However, your essay seems like your're paraphrasing this thesis statement and it lacks of supporting details to persuade others to believe that you 're correct.  
  
This is my opinion
Kei, your main problem is not the way that you express yourself in English. That is a minor problem when compared to your opening statement mistake. As you know, the opening statement is all about proving that you understand the English discussion and instructions enough that you are able to properly present your own explanation of the same in the first paragraph. The difficult part of that paragraph, is figuring out how to complete the paraphrase. Here is the thing, you need to present the paraphrase in such a manner that it is different enough from the original. How do you do that? By not using the same keywords from the original in the same position and manner in your paraphrasing. Your paraphrased paragraph is not different enough from the original to not be considered a paraphrase. As such, your score in the TA and GRA section of the test will be severely affected. Here is an example of a more accurate paraphrase of the topic:  
  
*When it comes to career choices, most parents try to influence their children's decision as to what career path he should follow. Based upon that belief, a number of people have come to realize that the freedom to choose what professional field a child wishes to work in is more preferable. I strongly agree with this belief and will explain why in the succeeding paragraphs.*  
  
You need to make your presentation original, while still keeping the essence of the original prompt in the presentation. I suggest that you review the other essays here that have the same problem as yours so that you can see how they managed to improve their writing in that area.