dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Ivan,  
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS task 2 essay. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- In this paragraph, I suggest you to minimize the usage of first person point of view. It is not entirely wrong to use first person point of view, but I might say that if you over-use them, the format of your essay will be less academic. You are suggested to use first person point of view only when you want to argue about certain topic or deliver a statement/argument. In this case, "In my own perspective,.." is okay, but "when 'we' are going to be..., 'we' are often..." somehow is inappropriate. Try to switch them become "people (if it is a general idea) / some people (if it has two possible sides).  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- Then, I can notice that in this paragraph, you accidentally forgot to give a clear reason why your idea is preferable. Remember that you need to fully support your idea if you want to reach band 6 or above. An idea that is not sufficiently developed is one of the criteria of band 5 in terms of Task Response. Also, you are suggested to mind your vocabulary usage. For instance, resolve and solve are different. Prefix Re- means that it shows a "repetition" of a particular activity. Therefore, solve = simply solve the problem while re-solve = solve the problem for a second time. It might look simple but this is one of the essential criteria in Lexical Resource.  
  
Hope this helps :)
***SOME PEOPLE THINK WHEN RECRUITING, COMPANIES SHOULD AIM TO TAKE ON PEOPLE WHO ARE INNOVATIVE AND ABLE TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY WHILE OTHERS CONSIDERED THEY SHOULD RECRUIT PEOPLE WHO ARE ABLE TO WORK IN A TEAM AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.***  
  
There are numerous considerations of the companies when recruiting new occupants. While some of them prefer to select people who are innovative and able to do task alone, the others more keen on the worker that have skillful teamwork even like to work based on the instructions. In my opinion both characteristics are utterly needed by the enterprises, because they have much job task that some of it solely can be done by someone who have special skills.  
  
To begin with Innovative and Independently employers, these advantages are ultimately suitable for position at Research and Development Department. As we know that these days, competition in business field is really though, so the industries should be able to create a sustainable development. It will be easily to realize that, if the companies have workers that has enormous creativity even can work lonely, and because of that, they should be recruited by the Human Resource Department to fulfill the company's need.  
  
However, there are some positions that only need people who always follow the instruction and have ability to work with their peers. They are usually extremely great for fulfilling some positions in the company such as technical or field workers. For instance, in oil industries, when they try to find new source of fossil fuel, people with good teamwork will really helpful for searching it, because they have strength to cooperate with their peers based on their boss' instructions.  
  
In conclusion, companies are suggested to employ plenty occupants that have distinct capabilities and personalities, because every divisions have its own requirements. Moreover, if each of speciality can be combined by the CEO of the enterprises, I completely believe that it will boost the performance of the industry, also increase their margin significantly.
Faiz,  
  
- ...and able to do task alone, the others are more keen on selecting~~the~~workers that have skillful teamwork ~~even~~and like to work based on ~~the~~ instructions.  
  
- In my opinion, (comma needed) both [...] because they have ~~much~~many job taskS that some of ~~it~~them~~solely~~ can solely be done by...  
  
- To begin with, (comma needed) Innovative and Independent~~ly~~ employers ~~, these advantages~~ are ultimately suitable for...  
- ~~As we know that~~These days, competition in business field is really ~~though~~tough , so the industries...  
- It will be ~~easily~~easy to realize that, if the companies have workers that has ~~enormous~~great("enormous" can't be collocated with "creativity") creativity ~~even can~~and able to work ~~lonely~~alone , and because...  
  
Overall, it seems to me that you cannot pick the appropriate diction that is suitable for certain words. Try to consider the above-mentioned feedback in order to learn more about how collocation works if you want to reach band 6 or above. Good luck for the next practice :)
Question:  
**Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this**  
  
Most people believe that work experience is the crucial factor for adolescent before continuing their higher education. I regard that it will convey positive consequences although there are several drawbacks could be occurred.  
  
it has negative consequences such as lack of academic knowledge and negative psychological effect. Adolescent who have been working for such a long time in the company will lose their academic theories since they never review the materials. Although they get new insight regarding their job, they lose the knowledge which will be beneficial to study in university. Consequently, there is a big possibility that they will not be enthusiastic to continue study at university. Furthermore, they will have mental disorder since they must achieve the target and finish it based on the deadline. Although they can accomplish the tasks to be in order, they work under pressure and are stressful. It will be a harmful factor for their psychological development.  
  
Apart from the previous explanations, It is not beneficial step for them due to several reasons. The first reason is to enlarge knowledge/skill. Although people who graduated from senior high school do not have capabilities needed by industries, they have strong motivation to sharpen their skill and gain knowledge that they have never heard. It aims to equip them with the special skill which will be the beneficial factor for their future. In addition, in order to pursue higher education, it needs a great deal of money. Although the government provides scholarship, its amount is extremally a limited amount. Therefore, young people should work to earn money and then save it to fund their tuition fee and living cost during a study.  
  
In conclusion, while some argue that adolescent should not work before going to university. I believe that there is sufficient evidence to prove that its advantage outweighs its disadvantages.
**it has negative consequences such as ...**  
  
capitalize it as it is first word in the sentence.  
  
Adolescent who have been working for such a long time in the company will lose their academic theories since they never review the materials.**</b>  
  
since you are talking about multiple people, put a s at the end of 'adolescent"  
  
[b]Furthermore, they will have mental disorder [...] harmful factor for their psychological development.**  
  
I could not understand this section. Are you saying that working can result in mental disorders from stress? explain this claim more. Also, i dont think "mental disorder" is the term you are looking for. Perhaps mental exhaustion?
Hello Abraham  
  
I think your essay is good, I will help you answer the question.  
  
My correction for you: when you write in writing task 2, you must caution the topic and coherence your answer. and don't forget your grammar must be repaired, there are many errors grammatical in your sentence.  
  
In my opinion someone if he want to become success must finished his education before to work. because in this world many bad people who can drop and deceive you, if you don't have knowledge. you will failed to become sucess. And I suggest you don't forget to study hard and pray. I recommendation movie, you must watch 3 idiots (indian movie). That movie about someone who study hard and he can become sucess without certificate of study. because the intellegence of human divided 3 type, IQ EQ SQ. if you just have IQ and don't have EQ and SQ, probably your probabilty to sucess is lower than people have all of them. In conclusion, if you want to sucess is better you prepare your study before work, because you need knowledge to leader the world.
**Some people think when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
Nowadays, companies have made their own standard for recruiting the employees. Some people argue that those companies should take people who have self-contained and innovative. Meanwhile, others believe that able to work in a team and follow the instructions are more important. As far as I concern, both of criterion have to be had by employees but it has to appropriate with their job desk. This essay will first discuss about how innovative and independent people can help companies in certain condition, and then talk how work in a team and obedience of employees are useful.  
  
Some pressures in worksite make the employees have to be innovative and able to work independently. When it comes to deadline and recessive condition, the worker are instructed to do something by their selves since other employees have to finish their task, but in the same time, they are still expected for resulting creative products. A study from psychological industry, stated that workers who independent and innovative can help their company in shrink condition. So, it is really important to have them in a company.  
  
However, employees who able to work in a team and adherence are also have a merit. Taking a theory from Industrial Relationship, it stated that innovative is not enough for developing a business. I believe that when a company get larger, it will lead them to bigger goal, and for making it happen, it is impossible to be done by one person. At this time, companies need workers who able to follow the company's instructions and able to work in a team.  
  
To conclude, either innovative and independent or team worker and obedience, all of those employees' characteristic is needed for developing the company. It just depends on the worker job desk.
Hello Nuraini, I have some suggestion for you  
  
Nowadays, companies have made their own ...  
... that those companies should take people ...  
... can help companies in certain condition  
  
Some pressures in worksite  
You see in your first paragraph you do repetition for the world 'COMPANIES'.  
There are some synonym that can be used for replacing company:  
  
INDUSTRY / ENTERPRISES / CORPORATION / FIRM are likely to be used in your passage  
  
Meanwhile, others believe that **PEOPLE WHO / SOMEONE WHO***(subject is needed here)* able to work in a team ...  
You miss the subject  
  
both of criterion ~~have to be~~**MUST BE** had by employees  
Try to make it more effective.  
  
Some pressures in ~~worksite~~**WORKPLACE** make the employees  
Worksite ---> I can't find it in Cambridge. maybe you mean workplace (C1) word !!!  
  
**REPETITION** : EMPLOYEES : 7 TIMES  
  
I count your word "employees" and you make repetition until 7 times. Please AVOID this !  
You can change with synonym :  
  
**OCCUPANTS / WORKERS / LABOUR**  
  
... not enough for developing ~~a~~**THE** business  
I believe that when ~~a~~**THE** company get larger  
You are already mentioned before, so business is refer to your industry, use "THE" as the article.
Meanwhile, others believe that BE able to work in a team ...  
As far as I AM concernED, both of criterion have to be ~~had~~ OWNED by employees but it has to BE appropriate with their job ~~desk~~ DESCRIPTION.  
  
the worker are instructed to do ~~something~~ by **their selves** since..  
PLEASE AVOID THE USAGE OF WORD 'SOMETHING' IN YOUR ESSAY, IT HAS TO BE SIMPLIFIED BY THE EXACT WORD, IN THIS CASE, 'WORK' WOULD BE A BETTER WORD FOR ALTERING IT.  
  
ALSO, 'THEIR SELVES' IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE WORD TO BE USED SINCE IT HAS NO MEANING. "THEMSELVES" IS THE CORRECT ONE.  
  
stated that workers who ARE independent and (...) company in shrinkING condition  
  
However, employees who ARE able to work in a team and adherence ~~are~~ also have a merit  
REMEMBER, THE USAGE OF WORD ABLE. YOU NEED TO PUT BE (AM, IS, ARE, WAS, WERE) BEFORE COMING TO THE WORD 'ABLE'.  
  
Taking a theory from Industrial Relationship AS A PERFECT EXAMPLE ,  
  
companies need workers who ARE able to follow the compaNY
Hello, let me give my correction for you  
  
~~This essay will first discuss about~~firstly, the essay will discuss that how innovative...  
  
...companies in the certain condition...  
  
the worker ~~are~~is instructed to do something ("worker" is singular subject)  
  
workers who are independent and innovative  
  
employees who are able to work in a team and adherence ~~are~~ which also have a merit  
  
it stated that ~~innovative~~innovative skill is not enough for developing a business  
  
I believe that when a company ~~get~~gets larger  
  
thank you
**Each year, the crime rate increases.  
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?**  
  
Criminality cases have been ascending over the time. Several reasons are engaged to this problem. I do believe that there is any way to root out crime rate. This essay will explain the causes and the prevention of crime.  
  
In this modern day, people are facilitated by sophisticated technology. Firstly, individuals can access information from where they stand using the internet. This amenity is oftentimes being misused by cyber criminals to commit fraud. They can stalk the activity of potential target and track the location using social media. Secondly, people nowadays have a higher IQ in the history; they find many methods to do offence to look for profit. For instance, nowadays, several hypnotherapists are abusing their ability to deceive to reach profits in an easy way. Thirdly, society's life getting harder over the last decades, economic problem force people to seeking money in illegitimate ways. The price of primary needs has been increasing to be an unreasonable price.  
  
People from all over the world cooperate to against wickedness. Various kinds of way have been created using a combination of technologies. The government has a duty to protect the citizen from the threat of the felon. Ministry of national security has to upgrade the security system by utilising technology. For instance, in the last 2015, Jakarta authority installed over 50 units CCTV around the main street. Consequently, the number of crime rate has been decreasing, criminal be more scared to do robber since all of the society has been watching by police. In addition, society has to be more careful during using the internet,  
  
To sum up, in this present time criminality is continuously growing and threaten society. Many factors that cause this case and also many strategies have been developing to inhibit crime. Even though the government has been attempting to protect citizen by setting up a tight security system, society still forced to preserve their self.
WRITING TASK 1  
  
The graph illustrates about numerous teachers who acceptance in ontario over 7-year period from 2001 to 2007. Overall, Frence-language teachers were more acceptance than English-language teachers. After that, there was a upward trend of Frence-language teachers. In contrast, English-language teachers was fell gradually between 2001 and 2007.  
  
As can be clearly seen, English-language teachers were decreased extremely from approximately 72 percent in 2001 to 40 percent in 2003. After that, there was a slighty rose in 2005 by 3 percent. Furthermore, there was decreased moderately to 28 percent in 2007.  
  
The graph also shows French-language teachers was fell sharply from 70 percent in 2001 to around 52 percent in 2002. Then, rose again in 2003 by 10 percent. After that, there was a fluctuated between 2003 and 2007. Finally, there was a peak in 2007 at 73 percent.
Hi, there are several advice for you.  
1.The graph**(what graph?bar chart? line chart)** illustrates about (...) acceptance in Ontario (the name of a city) over 7-year period from 2001 to 2007 and is measured in percent  
  
2.for writing task I, you need to write at least 150 words. It really affect on your task response  
3.~~The graph also shows~~Furthermore , French-language teachers ...  
4. After that, there was an (article) upward trend of France-language educators .  
5. you need to paraphrase your introductory sentence and use some less common vocabulary to hone your score dude.  
  
Keep writing dude!
As can be clearly seen, English-language teachers ...  
it can be seen or you can use other word such as based on the data/ according to the data/ in the begining, stood at etc  
  
... slighty rose in 2005 by 3 percent. (make clear 3 percent from what?) Furthermore, there was ...  
try to make lenght sentence using compund complex sentence.  
  
The graph also shows French-language teachers was fell ...  
use subordinating conjunction to make smoothly your body such on the other side, in the other word etc.  
  
1. make sure that our word is enough because I count your writing contain 138 word (need at least 150)  
2. use compound complex sentence.
Hi alvin, let me give you some comments  
  
1. Please insert the picture to make the reader easier to understand  
  
2. Overall, Frence-language teachers ~~were~~was more acceptance  
Because 'Frence-language teachers' is a category of the tabel, so it can be concluded that it is singular  
  
3. After that, there was ~~a~~an upward trend ...  
Remember how to use article 'a' and 'an'  
  
4. After that, there was a ~~slighty rose~~slight rise in 2005  
  
Thank you  
Keep Writing
Dear Alfin, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
After that, there was a**n** upward trend ~~of~~**in** Frence-language teachers.  
  
...English-language teachers were ~~decreased~~**an** extremely **decrease** from approximately ...  
  
...there was a slighty ~~rose~~**rise** in 2005 by 3 percent. *(In this case, the word 'rise' measured as noun)*  
  
...there was ~~decreased~~ a moderately **decrease** to 28 percent in 2007.  
  
...was ~~fell~~**a** sharply **fall** from 70 percent ...  
  
~~Then~~**However**, **this trend** rose again in 2003 by 10 percent.  
  
Regards
Hello @AK354!  
Please kindly me to give you brief suggestions :)  
  
1. Introduction  
You should put:  
- what the type graph about  
- measurement  
- what is the data  
- period of time  
Take a look at yours and mine below:  
The bar graph illustrates the number of teachers who acceptance in ontario (...) measured by percentage.  
  
2. Sentence structure and tenses  
In contrast, English-language teachers ~~was~~ fell gradually ...  
... English-language teachers ~~were~~ decreased extremely ...  
After that, there was a ~~slighty rose~~ slight rise in 2005 by 3 percent.  
Furthermore, there was ~~decreased~~ a moderate decrease to ...  
The graph also showed French-language teachers ~~was~~ fell sharply from 70 ...  
After that, there was a fluctuation between 2003 and 2007.  
Finally, there was a peak in 2007 at 73 percent.  
After that, there was ~~a~~ an upward trend ...  
  
For next task, ATTACH THE GRAPH  
it will help people to give corrections.  
  
Hope it helps you :)
**Some people think when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
Recruiting new employees is held by companies regularly, and some people have an argument that companies should take on job seekers who are innovative and be able to work independently while others think recruitment is held to find people who want to follow the instruction and have an ability to working in a group. As far as i know about this notion, companies have their personal requirement of people who will be their employees. I believe that the characteristic of people who are recruited depends on the companies' necessity.  
  
Initially, people who have an ability to work independently are needed in the position that occurs the employee solving the problem by themselves without any help. They have to be innovative and creative when thinking the solution. For instance, SSCX International as a consultant company was looking for people who can reveal the client's problem and give the presentation. So, when recruitment was organised, independent people became the main specification. The position as consultant in industry enhances the company to choose someone who has this ability.  
  
On the other hand, other companies have to employ people who are capable of working in a team and follow the instructions. Taking Telkomsel as an example, the company needs people who will create a project which should be done as a team. Somehow, the requirement provides provision for jobseekers to have particular soft skills. As a result, because of the position which provides team work in project, they organise a recruitment for people who can fulfil their terms  
  
In conclusion, companies arrange the recruitment to find people who suitable for the position offered. So, i think people should be aware when registering a position that appropriates to their criteria.
There is a new process for selling the product. Some companies want to repeat their achievement or success in the bigger scale with utilizing new knowledge to enhance the capacity of their business. While several businessmen want much profit again, they can not replay it because the experiment always failed. Nowadays, most enterprise placing to much trust in an expert such a to design the department store which understands regarding the system. There are two types of attempt success again. Firstly, do not forget to copy the process when it comes to success and also improving that way. Secondly, choosing the best part to mix it into the next trial, yet do not let to guide for leading the problems. After that, sometimes there is an information is not accurate. Furthermore, there are two ways to combat this problem such as involve the attitude of workers in the office and involve strict regulation to control an organization system. Surprisingly, copy the original but not duplicate it at all since to build the consistency.
Hello,  
  
... much profit again, they can not (**cannot** << it must be connected ) replay it because the experiment always (time frame for Present tense, so failed must be "fail" ) failed. Nowadays, most enterprise placing ~~to~~ (TOO ) much trust in an expert such ~~a~~ to design the department ...  
  
There are two types of attempt (attempting ) success again....  
After that, sometimes there is an information is not accurate .(unclear statement, may be you can add information for resolving them or the effect )  
  
... problem such as involve (involving ) the attitude of workers in the office andinvolve the strict strict regulation to ...  
Surprisingly, copy (copying ) the original but (does ) not duplicate  
  
Gluck^^~
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your summary  
  
(1) While several businessmen**s** want much profit ~~again~~  
(2) ...they can not~~replay~~**repeat** it because the experiment always fail~~ed~~ .  
Replay is to play something again, especially music or film recorded already.  
  
(3) Nowadays, most enterprise**s** placing to**o** much trust in an expert such a**s** to design the department store ~~which~~**who** understands ...  
(4) ... types of attempt ~~success again~~**to succeed getting more profit**.  
(5) ... process when it comes to ~~success~~**succeed**and also improving that way.