dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi,  
I am going to have a test on 14/4 so I really need your help. Thanks in advance!  
  
IELTS Writing Task 2: **"Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?"**  
  
Here is my essay for the above topic:  
  
## Entrance tickets into museums

  
  
Today, there is a difference in regulation of several museums. To be more specific, some museums ask visitors to pay for entrance fee while others do not. In my opinion, although this practice has mixed blessing, I firmly believe that the benefits would prevail over the drawbacks.  
  
On the one hand, charging for admission seems to exert negative effect since this policy somehow deters some citizens from entering the museums. More specifically, those groups of residents such as the poor, students are likely to purchase for their basic needs, for instance, foods and drinks, rather than spending on museums' entrance tickets. As a result, the number of public visiting the museums may decline gradually after the implementation of the policy.  
  
One the other hand, I strongly support the idea that admission fee's advantages will outweigh its disadvantages. The reason for believing this is that this regulation is of incredible help in raising financial funds which can be allocated for a wide range of operational purposes, for example, purchasing for well-known artworks or paintings which are extremely expensive, maintaining good condition of current exhibition. It is also possible to say that this amount of money is supposed to be a source for salary payment, which encourages employees to work more efficiently. In fact, basic salary scales of museums' workers do not meet their basic needs on a daily basis, so if they were paid better as they, they would dedicate more to their works. All things considered, the museums can run smoothly, be well upgraded and then attract a more impressive number of visitors at the present and in the years to come.  
  
In conclusion, although charging for entrance fee still has some downsides, I completely believe that this regulation will be more beneficial.  
(293 words)  
  
I am looking forward to receiving your feedbacks!  
  
Best regards,  
  
Linh,
Vua, this is a single opinion essay as presented by the question "Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?" This clearly indicates a single opinion essay discussion since it does not ask you to "Discuss both points of view and then present a personal opinion." Only when an essay indicates the aforementioned information does it become a dual point of view with personal opinion essay. Therefore, your discussion is inappropriate and will be marked down accordingly. It is important to understand the various methods of discussing the task 2 essay. I suggest you read the samples on the forum so that you can get a clearer idea of the discussion types and how it is supposed to be addressed in the essay discussion. Remember, when you do not discuss the essay in the expected manner, you get a severe TA score deduction which makes it difficult for the remaining scoring criteria to increase your higher score chances.
Ulfah, this is a very well developed outline presentation for your paper. Everything about it is strong, informative, and properly cited. However, in the concluding section, you may want to rethink closing it with a citation from a researched source. That is because the concluding paragraph in a research essay is supposed to offer a proposed solution or summary of the full discussion without making any other further reference to sources. You want to close the discussion, not leave it open ended, which is what happens when you present a cited source as the last sentence in the conclusion. It would be best to use a general discussion of the facts presented and your personal point of view regarding the propose solution and its outcome instead. That would be a more appropriate close for this type of research paper.
Many people argue that those who are paid with handsome wages should be under the government control. From my perspective, I believe that workers earning a great amount of money can be beneficial for the state.  
  
## monitoring citizens' income

  
  
There is one principal why the government should monitor the citizens' income. Firstly, if individuals are unable to explain their income depriving from certain sources or the amount of money in their bank account suddenly increases significantly, then the authorities need to inspect to find the reason. As the result, the number of criminals committing offences related to drug-dealing or bribery might be eliminated.  
  
On the other hand, personally I support the idea of high-paying careers can contribute enormous advantages to the country. The primary merit is that it enables the government to collect tax from businesspeople which may enrich the nation's budget. Thanks to the tax, the authorities may use it to upgrade the public infracstructure, which lead to the enhancement of living standard for the citizens. In addition, when there are numerous of wealthy people, the burden of poverty and starve could be much ameliorated. Instead, the government are able to pay concerns and make investment in other apsects such as education, technology and the nation's security so that the country may prosper and develop.  
  
Another advantage is that rich entreprenuers or billionaires often love doing charity; hence, many homeless people and disadvantaged families in remote areas will be provided food, clothes and medicine. Moreover, the constructions of houses, schools and factories would be established, which results in the improvement in the quality of poor people's life. Therefore, a number of children have rewarding opportunity to access higher education and the rate of unemployment in adults would decline.  
  
In conclusion, It seems to me that weathy residents have the ability to generate profits for the country; however, the authorities play crucial roles in guaranteeing the income to be produced legally.  
  
*
Anh, the score for this essay will be a 4. You only responded to the personal opinion side. There was no discussion of the public opinion for the 2 points of view as indicated in the original instruction for the discussion. That is why your response appears to be selective in response. By being selective, as in presenting your point of view along for both discussion points, you create a change in the prompt presentation and as such, you will be scored down accordingly. Remember, English comprehension skills are scored heavily in the Task 2 essay. Show a weakness in that and a question arises as to your preparedness to attend an English speaking educational institution. Be sure that you properly address the prompt requirements next time. That alone will be enough to increase your passing potential in the actual test.
**Task 2: Some people think that schools should reward students who show the best academic results, while others believe that it is more important to reward students who show improvement. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
## good progress at schools should be praised

  
  
It is true that some people argue schools should recompense students for their great attainments. While others consider it is more significant to reward children performing well in their progress. In my opinion, it would be better if schools appreciate students getting the highest scores.  
  
On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why rewarding students who endeavor to study and make good improvements is essential. Firstly, when others recognize their efforts, children may want to study harder and achieve higher results. If their attempts are ignored, they may feel disappointed. As a result, they may easily give up their progress. Secondly, receiving awards also makes students happier, which allows them to have a good grasp of any lessons at school. For example, children with happiness are more energetic and enthusiastic, so they can pay more attention to teacher's lectures  
  
On the other hand, I believe only toppers should be praised. Obviously, it will be not fair to toppers if students who getting lower results are also acclaimed. Children at the highest position always have to exert themselves to obtain the best results, so they are only persons deserving to be congratulated. Furthermore, they will reduce their motivation if they're not rewarded. Everyone, especially children, wants to be celebrated as succeeding. If not, it will lead to their depression.  
  
In conclusion, both students who get the best scores and those who make good progress should be praised. However, it seems to me that only children showing the best performance should be rewarded by schools.
Bao, this essay will gain you a final score of 4 due to the tangential discussion that you provided in the essay. Based on the prompt requirements you are supposed to present the following information in the paragraphs:  
  
1. An appropriate paraphrasing of the original prompt that does not immediately present your point of view as part of the thesis statement. \  
2. The first point of view discussion based on general opinion, not a personal opinion.  
3. A second point of view not based on a personal opinion either. It is a public reason that must be presented.  
4. The personal point of view discuss that supports one of the 2 general viewpoints.  
5. A concluding statement that summarizes the discussion points presented.  
  
Make sure that you understand what the discussion instruction requires you to present before you write the essay. Otherwise, it affects the final score of your essay as a mistake in the presentation proves that you do not have adequate English comprehension skills to pass the test and functions as a student in a UK, Canada, or Austalia based school.
Lakshmi, since you are not being scored on an individual basis for this essay but rather, on the whole presentation, I can accurately say that you have managed to work the essay into a score of 3. It is clear, coherent, makes use of proper evidence and supporting reasons within the essay and basically, fully threshes out the discussion. However, the presentation is held back by sentence development and paragraph presentation issues. I don't consider those a big deal in the scoring consideration because it does not affect the manner by which the reader can easily understand what you have to say. However, you deviated at the end when you presented your own question to respond to in the essay. This was not a requirement and resulted in the otherwise excellent discussion closing on a discussion point totally unrelated to the prompt provided. That is what stopped, in all honesty from scoring you any higher in the test. Always stay on point with the topic deviation. Prompt deviations always result in major point deductions in the final consideration. Your essay would have scored higher on increments had you not done that.
## information provides knowledge

  
  
I think to share information as in scientific research, business and the academic world is really important. People should help out each other. If you found a cure for cancer you should share it because not all people can do that. People come in different shapes and you shouldn't judge them by their IQs or skills. Sharing is what brings humanity together. In my experience as a student, some people refused to share their intelligence or information about homework, about exams. Because these are the advantages they have, and in a competitive world, if you had the advantages you're already halfway to success. So why would they share? It's reasonable. I'm not a smart person, but if I can help anyone with my information, I'd do it. I love to help people, and I think it's a great and meaningful gesture to share and help. Because I understand the frustration when you tried and tried to solve your problems but nothing seems to work out. It's stressful and very depressing. This is where when some people couldn't figure things out; instead, they look in a way to end themselves.  
  
But if we could lower ourselves and really help the ones who really needed help, for example, a student who's about to fail the exam. If you have the knowledge, the information, it wouldn't hurt if you give them some instructions, teach them how to solve problems. Peter Parker's Uncle once said, "With great power comes with great responsibilities." It's not just a say for superheroes, but a say for all human race.
Michelle, it will be useless for me to point out the scoring errors that you made in this essay because it is not going to pass anyway. When you write less than the 250 word minimum for the task 2 essay, you will get an automatic failing score. There are no other scoring considerations to be made when it is obvious that you are not prepared to take the test. This is a 5 paragraph essay that has to show that you can control your English presentation based on the 4 scoring criteria. In this instance, you failed to consider the criteria during the development of your paper. That is why you cannot be given a passing score and I cannot proceed with scoring you or evaluating your presentation. Make sure you present an essay with at least 250 words next time and then I will analyze your essay based on the scoring elements.
## the reasons for studying and employer support

  
  
The bar charts illustrate the percentage of why students study and how much support do they get from employers. The information is divided into age.  
  
Overall, students who studied for career was majority in the younger groups, and the trend was reversed in studying for interest. More students studied as they like in older groups. Also, employers supported the students in middle age the least.  
  
A high of 80% of students' studying reason was for career, compared to just under 20% in students aged over 49. Exactly 10% students studying for interest could be seen in young adult (under 26), while the proportion climbed up to 70% in those were over 49. The percentage of purposes of studying (for career and for interest) were the same in people who were 40-49 years old (approximately 40%).  
  
Under 26 years old students received the most support from employers, while aged 30-39 students received the least (just over 60% and about 35% respectively). The students aged 26-29, 40-49 got 50%, 30% and 45% approximately.  
  
*
Kiki, your first statement is insufficient. It must be a proper representation of the information included in the original report, as the assumption is that the reader you are presenting this analysis to will not have access to the original file and hence, require a more detailed explanation of the factual data included in the original illustration / report. Therefore, the first statement should have been as follows:  
  
*This report will be analyzing information regarding the interest of students in studying once they are already working along with the amount of support they get from their employers. User bar charts to illustrate the percentage data, the information will analyze the statistics from under the age of 26 to over 49. There were 2 evident trends based on the 2 charts,. The first, is that students most interested in studying are in the age bracket of under 26 and that employers tend to support the effort of their employees to study in a more active manner when they are also under the age of 26. This essay will summarize the given information and use comparisons whenever relevant.*  
  
Do not make it a habit to present valuable data from the chart in parenthesis. These are report based information and are not optional parts of the report, which is what a parenthesis presentation indicates. While it is easier to present the report in that manner, it shows a lack of proper report development on your part and will lower your TA score immensely. Also, never present less than 3 sentence in any of the paragraphs as this shows the use of run-on sentences and will result in a lowered GRA score for you.
*Some people think that having a set retirement age (65 years) for everybody is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive pension at an earlier age?  
  
Do you agree or disagree ?  
What types of worker should get early retirement?  
  
Give reasons to your answer and include relevant example from your knowledge and experience*  
  
## the ideal retirement age

  
  
When it comes to decide what should be the ideal retirement age, different people have different views. Some believe every individual should retire after 65 years, regardless to his profession, while others maintain employees working for longer hours and in tough environmental conditions must retire at early age and receive pension benefits. I completely support the idea that authorities must consider the type of work to fix the retirement age.  
  
First of all, Army personnel and defence staff always work for more 15 hours a day. Moreover, their job demands high standard of physical fitness and alertness. With such requirements one cannot work after 45 years whereas doctors and advocate could practice even at 65. Thus army men should get retire earlier.  
  
Similarly, workers, working in mining industries such as coal mining, have to work in awful work conditions needs special consideration. Furthermore, such surroundings pose a serious threat to workers' health, For instance, in 2010 world health organization published a report that presented every year 1 million employees especially from mining business are diagnosed with lung cancer and the reason is inhalation of coal ashes. Hence, if mining workers are forced to work at their later age then their life expectancy would fall much shorter so they must retire earlier as compare to other professionals such as teachers.  
  
In conclusion, it is the best approach to consider nature of the job for deciding the retirement age. As some types of workforce such as security and mining workers need special attention because of hazardous and tough working conditions which could have detrimental affect on their health so government should plan their early retirement.  
  
Apart from feedback please rate this essay as per the ielts general BAND from 1-9.
Nancy, for the TA section of this essay you can only score a 5 due to a missing discussion element. You did not represent a job that could have the worker doing the same job until the age of 65. The task 2 essay is always a 5 paragraph presentation. Presenting 4 paragraphs only works to benefit the student in the Task 1 essays. In the Task 2 essay, you lose points when you do not complete the expected 5 paragraph presentation. That is because you did not adequately represent all the expected prompt discussions in your presentation. The reason why you have to represent the retirement age of 65 in the essay is simple. In your thesis statement, you indicated that*" I completely support the idea that authorities must consider the type of work to fix the retirement age."* thus requiring your presentation to indicate a sample of an occupation that will allow the worker to stay on the job until the age of 65. Your opening statement and concluding statement are strong. It was your actual discussion that was weak and limited in approach. As for the rest of the scoring elements, I would have given you the following score as an examiner:  
  
TA - 5  
C&C - 6  
LR - 6  
GRA - 5
**Art and music classes should not be mandatory at school.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## Art and music classes shouldn't be abandoned

  
  
It is a common belief that students should focus on studying Maths and English rather than art and music. People have a tendency to think that those subjects are too trivial compared to others. However, I strongly believe that well-rounded education plays a key role in students' overall success, and discovering a talent.  
  
Art and music are well-known to relieve one's mind and improve one's creativity. In this era where everyone is zealous for education, there are quite a number of students who get extremely exhausted, which even leads to the high suicidal rate. Art and music classes would help them relieve stress due to the soothing effect. Moreover, the right side of one's brain is highly activated by art, according to many studies, which leads to better results in diverse subjects.  
  
On top of that, teaching students art and music enables to find the real talent which would be impossible otherwise if it is not compulsory at work. In terms of famous artists or athletes, interestingly enough, many of them did not know about their talents exceeding anyone else until their teachers found in themselves at school. Without the compulsory classes, they would merely live a normal life, not realizing the gift they are given.  
  
In conclusion, art and music classes not only allow students to escape stress and think more creatively, but also give an opportunity to find a talented person. For these reasons, students have to take art and music classes at school.
Hello.  
I really like your essay. You have some really good ideas and have presented it well.  
Few grammatical errors here and there, and it's also better to have the essay in three paragraphs.... Introduction, Body and your conclusion statement.  
  
Grammatical corrections -  
Para 1 - tendency to think that these subjects ....  
Para 2 - even lead to high suicidal rates ......  
Para 3 - until their teachers found that in them........ not realizing the gift they were given ( Past Tense)  
It would make your essay better if you can quote one or two of these artists who were discovered by their teachers. It will certainly add more credibility to your statement.  
  
However, I strongly believe that well-rounded education, involving music and art play a key role in student's overall success and discovering a talent. - I feel like this statement can be a perfect conclusion statement.  
  
Good Luck! :)