dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@solivagant  
*Hi* there!  
  
Be cautious of the way that you structure your sentences. Having a simplified approach to writing will help you.  
  
For instance, in your *first paragraph*, you can rephrase the lines as:  
  
*Companies gain leverage when they employ the right people. Hiring managers should prioritize three things: academic credentials, prior work experiences, and personal character.*  
  
Notice how restructuring your sentence(s) this way enables you to appear to have a more formal method of merging your thoughts altogether. Try to apply a similar technique to the rest of your essay.  
  
Looking at your *second paragraph*, for instance:  
  
*..., it seems ~~quite~~ reasonable to ...  
... specific skills ~~and talents~~ ~~which necessarily~~ that involve ~~a~~ huge commitments.*  
  
...terns like *quite* would help you establish a firmer tone for your essay, creating more of an appropriate academic tone. Try to avoid repetitions as well. *Talents and skills* are both not far apart from each other in terms of meaning, therefore you can omit one or the other, depending on the context of your essay. In this case, for example, skills can be more appropriate considering that we are referring to honed and academically-achieved knowledge.  
  
Keep these in mind as you are writing - and best of luck as always!
## A "tool" of moral education for children

  
  
Hi Everyone! Can you evaluate my essay and give some feedback? Thanks in advance.  
  
It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them to learn this distinction.To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?  
  
It is one of the most vital duties of parents to start teaching their children to tell right from wrong from a very young age. Punishment may seem the most effective and the easiest way of doing so. However, I`m strongly convinced that we should avoid this method of moral education, because its side effects outweigh the benefits.  
  
The first reason why it isn`t a good idea to punish your offspring in order to help them learn moral rules is it usually entails many negative consequences initially unintended by the parents. Punishment, whether it is physical or emotional can cause serious health problems and deep psychological traumas. In fact, some individuals spend their entire lives to overcome them. Furthermore, although reward and punishment system might sound perfect theoretically, in reality parents usually are inconsistent at their actions and they also fail to make punishment fit the crime most of the time due to the changes in their moods. It can make the children confused, because they generally have no clue about what to expect when they misbehave again. In other words, they can be grown into insecure and anxious people who consider the world as a chaotic place where no prediction is possible.  
  
There is another vital drawback to this kind of teaching. It can mistakenly get children to associate morality with pleasure and stop them from becoming autonomous moral beings who act in a particular way not because it is commonly acceptable by others, but because it is the right thing to do. Most of the individuals who have been raised with this method tend to never quit their comfort zones, which in turn might occasionally mean to behave immorally, for instance , to neglect injustice if it doesn`t harm them. On the other hand, they may change their behavior patterns flexibly as soon as no one observes them. That is, if these people can escape penalty, they will probably cheat.  
  
To summarize, I believe that it is not acceptable to use punishment as a tool of moral education for children. First of all, it can damage them both physically and psychologically. Also, it may lead to the misconceptions about morality.
Hi there, let me assist to the best of my ability  
  
You have a good first point but i do not entirely grasp the second point.  
  
Punishment may seem ... However, I`m strongly convinced that ...  
  
*You did not refer to which punishment you disapprove of???*  
  
What sort of punishment should ... be allowed... *This question was not answered in your essay*.  
  
I suggest you structure the essay better, here is my suggestion  
Paragraph 1: Rewrite the question prompt and choose a side (agree or disagree)  
Paragraph 2: Reason why you agreed or disagreed, with examples  
Paragraph 3: Proper ways of correcting a child (What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?  
  
)  
Paragraph 4: Conclusion, restating your opinion and why  
  
Also try to use more synonyms. Good luck :)
@solivagant  
*Hi* there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. I'll try my best to assist you.  
  
Firstly, evade the usage of synonymous terms compressed into one single sentence. It drags on your writing, creating irrelevant patterns of content. Notice when you are using similar terms, try to stick with it more consistently. If you can do this, it will help you in the long-run establish a firmer tone in your essays.  
  
Secondly, structure is critical when you are writing. Use appropriate punctuation in areas that require them to create a more conventional written work. If you can accomplish this, you'll be able to tailor-fit your content to a more patterned written format. Keeping that in mind, you can also opt to shorten your lengthy sentences using simplification methods. If you can trim down your content's excesses, you'll be able to focus more on writing efficiently with clarity and depth.  
  
With these two comments in mind, **let me revise** a small portion of your essay.  
  
~~There is a~~Another vital drawback ~~to this~~ of this ~~kind of~~ teaching~~. It can mistakenly get~~ is that children ~~to~~ will associate morality with pleasure, stopping ~~and stop~~ them from becoming autonomous ~~moral~~ beings; they will act in accordance to what is right ~~who act in ... thing to do~~. Most ~~of the~~ individuals ... tend to ~~never quit ... turn might~~ occasionally ~~mean to~~ behave immorally, ... ~~On the other hand, t~~They may ... patterns ~~flexibly as ... them~~ once people start looking. ~~That is, i~~If these people ..., they will ~~probably cheat.~~ be prone to cheating.  
  
With these in mind, try to not elaborate too much with excesses. Remember that simplified language will help you create more meaning to your content.  
  
*Best of luck* as always.
## the labor market has changed

  
  
The world of work is changing rapidly, working conditions today are not the same as before and people no longer rely on taking one job for life. Discuss the possible causes for these changes and give your suggestion on how people should prepare for work in the future?  
  
Nowadays, the changing of labor market has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this problem can be attributed to a whole host of reasons, some feasible preparation for work down the road can be considered to address this.  
  
There are a number of reasons explaining for that. First, since the system of education develops more and more rapidly, the requirement of labor market about academic level enhances. This means that employees do not only need work experience but also have fundamental knowledge like at least accomplishing secondary education, making the world of work become more competitive and people need more conditions to get a job. Second, by the proliferation of technology, people can do a lot kinds of jobs simultaneously. In fact, only by a laptop connected to the Internet, people can work without leaving home, helping them get an extra job to earn money as much as possible.  
  
There are many ways for workers to respond to the changing nature of work. First, employees need to gain a wealth of knowledge by studying fundamental education at schools then taking up vocational courses like motor mechanics, cooking or pursuing higher education, bringing them huge benefits to get a decent job. Second, people should adopt the new mindset and attitudes to become more dynamic, enabling them to catch up with the cutting-edge technology. Plenty of evidence suggests that an applicants who has ability to do working with the advanced technology like machines or modern devices will have more chances to be accepted when he applies for a job.  
  
In conclusion, there are a lot of reasons creating this changes. Both individuals and governments need to have the best preparation to adapt to the changing of labor market down the road.
## Wealth and Technology

  
  
Some people think that the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich people and poor people. Others think that it is causing the opposite effect. Discuss both the views and give your opinion  
  
Can you please mark my essay and tell me what band do I score? Thank you  
  
There is no doubt that modern technology is reshaping our planet and affecting every aspects of human lives. While some people argue that technological advancements have widened the gap between the wealthy and the poor, I believe that certain technologies are available to all people in the society and make contributions to bridging the wealth gap.  
  
On the one hand , there are several reasons that the wealth inequality is increasing. One reason is the automation. Drive by technology, automation reduces the need of manual labour . As a result, less work opportunities are available for unskilled people who are in lower classes. Furthermore, in term of medical neo -tech, although more and more advanced treatments and medicines are developed to cure a range of diseases, the price of medication is increasingly higher that it is only affordable to rich people. The poor have to spend all of their money for conventional treatments and yet there is no guarantee that their condition will improve. For example, so many poor people are suffering from a lot of chronic illnesses such as cancer or asthma and even die without receiving medical care.  
  
On the other hand, certain innovations and discoveries in technology play an integral role in filling the gap between the rich and the poor. Firstly, some technological advancements are accessible to all people among different social classes due to their availability at cheaper rate. The Internet, for example, is available to almost all section of the society. Secondly, modern technologies have provided great opportunities for the poor to get rich. For instance, the Internet has already made many people become wealthy by setting their own commercial websites. Compared with traditional industries, which require a large initial investment and higher operation cost, the Internet is a much better and cheaper platform to make a fortune for people from all social backgrounds.  
  
In conclusion, although some claim that modern technology increases the gap between the rich and the poor, I strongly believe that it could possibly narrow the difference between social classes.
@trungpham96  
Hi there.  
  
Like what I always tell most learners here, I won't necessarily give out a band score - but I'll give you the necessary commentaries for your essay.  
  
Firstly, maximize the content of your essay through incorporating more complex words that'll integrate altogether the thoughts you have for your essay. If you can accomplish this, you'll be able to trim down the content of your essay, considering that you'll have more space to have substance and depth in your writing. Keep in mind that often we have a tendency to separate words that have synonymous words. If you can omit the usage of these filler words, you'll have the luxury of extending your thoughts into more substantiated formats.  
  
Speaking of omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words, try to remove merged words that have synonymous content. For instance, there's no need for you to say that they are innovations and discoveries, considering that both of these terms are quite intertwined in terms of their overall meaning.  
  
All of this is about creating more tailor-fit content that'll help you relay meaning without losing touch of having a more directed approach towards writing.  
  
With these in mind, I'll demonstrate what they mean through revising a portion of your essay.  
  
... reasons ~~that the wealth ... increasing~~ for the increase in wealth inequality. One reason is ~~the~~ automation. Drive by technology~~,~~ and automation ... ~~As a result,~~ This results to less work ... people ~~who are in lower classes~~. ... neo -tech, ~~although more and more~~ advanced ... to cure ~~a range of~~ diseases~~, the price of ... rich people~~ ; this caused healthcare to be more expensive, causing inaccessibility to the poor. ~~The poor ... will improve~~ People resort to traditional methods without a guarantee of improvement. For example, ~~so many poor~~  people ~~are~~ suffering from ~~a lot of~~ chronic ... or asthma ~~and even~~ may die ...  
  
Keep in mind these comments - and observe the changes I've made. *Best of luck* as always!
## WRITING TASK 2 : TEAM SPORT OR INDIVIDUAL SPORT?

  
  
Topic: Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
  
Answer:  
People are likely to feel energetic when it comes to sport. While some believe that sports which enhance team spirit will be most beneficial, others advocate for individual competitions. From my perspective, both sides have their own merits and vitally become a refreshing part of people' life.  
  
Team sports, namely soccer, basketball, volleyball, etc. have been played for a thousands of years and the benefits accompanied with the excitements they bring about are undeniable. Firstly, integrating oneself into a team gives individuals a chance to improve their communication skills. Since teamwork is a priority, people have to strive their best to cooperate and behave in a decent way, which will therefore have a good impact on one's social life, especially on children. Secondly, team building activities bridge the gap between people and widen their friendship network. When engaging in the game, one can become others' teammate regardless of gender, age, skin or various professions. This diversification significantly helps enrich the culture, widen one's knowledge for life and better understanding of others.  
  
On the other hand, some people are supportive of individual sports, such as swimming, tennis, skiing etc. mainly because it boosts one's competitiveness to the highest along with their self-esteem. Thanks to this, players have a motive to improve themselves day by day and therefore become more confident when performing on the public. The next reason is that when competing alone, there is certainly no peer pressure. In other words, there will be no criticism if the player can hardly keep up with the team. Instead, the only motive driving them to success comes from within, which is much more powerful.  
  
To reiterate, being a solo player or becoming parts of a team is equally advantageous since they teach people the necessary skills not only for the game but also for real life.  
  
(words: 304)  
Hi, I am Oanh  
Please check and give me feed back with a band score. Thank you so much ^^
Hi @ oanh9a6  
I'm impressive in your writing skills and the vocabulary you'd used. But I think the mistake here is that you don't accomplish your task response: **give your own opinion**. Although everything is quite excellent ( coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, grammar) and that you state "From my perspective", I think it's better to be completely inclined to only one view of the argument.  
  
If I were you, my introduction will be like this:  
...  
From my perspective, **while** both sides have their own merits**, I would be completely preferable in attending (individual/team) sports.**  
  
*Here are just my opinions about your essay. However, I'm still a student and haven't took part in the Ielts test yet so it's quite hard for me to give your work a band score, sorry (\*ﾟーﾟ\*)*  
  
*Good luck as always!*
@oanh9a6  
Hi there!  
  
Will not necessarily give a band score, but I'll do my best to help you with the substance and structure of your essay.  
  
First and foremost, consistency with the forms of your words is essential to retain as you are writing. This will help you curate a more academically appropriate structure for your content. If you can do this, you'll be able to redirect your attention to writing more elaborately without losing track of the conventions of writing.  
  
A key technique that I always tell people is that if you can separate a sentence into two separate chunks, opt to do this. If you have done this, you'll be able to structure your essay more efficiently with using simpler formats. This will help you minimize potential mistakes from having too much backlogged information.  
  
In addition, I suggest having a more structured approach to your sentences. I have observed that you have quite a baffling hold of the overall content of your essay. If you can, focus on following conventional writing patterns. This will help you create more depth without risking common mistakes in writing with a followed outline.  
  
Keep these comments in mind when you are writing. *Best of luck* as always.
## Commericials Aimed at Children

  
  
Hello All,  
  
This is my first time here. It is nice to know you. Here is my essay. I hope I can receive your comments. Thank you very much.  
  
*Topic: In some countries, advertisers increase the amount of advertising which try to persuade children to buy snacks, toys and other goods. Parents object to such pressure on children. But some advertisers claim that there is useful information in these advertisements. Discuss both views and give your opinion.*  
  
When it comes to advertising, whether companies can advertise directly to children and convince them to buy snacks, toys and other goods or not has become a controversial issue. Parents believe these advertisements should be banned, whereas advertisers claim these advertisements are useful and beneficial for children. In my opinion, advertising to children can be allowed, but the government should have a clear set of regulations for these kinds of advertisements.  
  
It is understandable why parents object to such advertisements because they believe their children are vulnerable and would absorb all of the information advertised without judgement. Children's mind, especially under 6 years old, is not fully developed and tend to believe what other people or advertisers say without critical thinking. Hence, it would be dangerous if advertisers persuade children to consume snacks instead of other healthy and nutritious food such as rice, meat or milk just because snacks are tastier and look more attractive. In fact, the government understands this problem and has exercised to ban all the advertisements aiming directly to children under 6 years old and monitor closely those advertisements aiming to children from 7 to 12 years old.  
  
On the other side, advertisers argue that they understand children's needs and wants, sometimes even better than their parents. In 2019, Lego Corporation, a multinational company in the toy industry spent $3 billion on researching children's behavior and developing suitable and useful educational toys for children in various age. They believe these educational toys can be used to enhance children's intelligence and ability to solve problems. Hence, to them, it is justified to advertise these kinds of products directly to children regardless of age. However, as already analyzed previously, children's mind is like a blank page and would believe the advertisers without thinking the pros and cons of a product. Therefore, advertisers should advertise these products to parents instead of children who will help children examine a product's benefits as well as possible harm before purchasing.  
  
In conclusion, I am totally convinced that advertisements of those products for children such as food, toys or clothes should be allowed but need to go through the strict censorship because children are vulnerable and not yet fully developed.
@buiminhese  
*Hi* there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. Don't fret. We'll do our bests to help you here.  
  
First and foremost, I recommend that you try trimming down the length of your sentences. While complexity is great, having more dynamism in your writing will help you curate a persona as you are going along. If you can maintain this, you'll have more of an organic structure to work with. Overall, this is beneficial because it paves way for you to communicate in a more creative manner.  
  
If you can, use less baffling structures in your content. Doing this would enable you to have more hold over the meaning that you are conveying as you are writing.  
  
Additionally, be cautious of your usage of punctuation and preposition. These are both common mistakes for learners. It can be helpful for you to look back on reference books. Using more non-conventional transitions will also help you in the long-run (ie. using semi-colons to move between correlated sentences) as it helps you develop more innovative techniques.  
  
Avoid redundant and repetitive words. If you do this, you can focus more on content that'll add more depth - rather than simply uttering everything over and over again.
## Australian kids and their free-time activities

  
  
The bar chart shows the number of actives is selected by Australian children in their leisure time. It gives figures for both boy and girl who aged from 5 to 14 years old. Overall, their activities in free-time tend to be different.  
  
As can be seen from the bar chart, the most popular activities selected in both gender is watching television or videos, it reaches a peak at 100 percent. The second popular activity is electronic and computer game, 80 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls agreed that they are truly keen on this activity. In addition, Boys also prefer some activities such as bike riding, skateboard to art and craft. In fact, the percentage of boys in those activities are always higher roughly 20 than girls. By contrast, fewer boys participate in art and craft about 28 percent compared to approximately 58% of girls.  
  
*
@Jason Nguyen  
Hi there.  
  
Try to integrate the phrases/thoughts that you have in order to maximize the space that your essay has. If you can do this, you'll be able to focus more on adding depth to your essay. Additionally, you can also try to minimize your usage of filler words - and instead, focus on creating more substance.  
  
The best way for me to showcase how to make these changes would be through incorporating them into your writing.  
  
Observe the following revisions:  
  
~~As can ... chart, t~~The most popular activit~~ies~~y ~~selected~~ in both genders is watching ..., ~~it reaches~~ reaching a peak ~~at~~ of 100 ~~percent~~%. ... is electronics and computer games with 80% for boys and 60% for girls.~~, 80 percent ... activity~~. In addition, ~~Boys also prefer some~~ boys have a strong preference for activities such as bike riding~~,~~ and skateboarding compared to arts and crafts~~.~~; ~~In fact,~~ the percentage ... are ~~always~~  consistently 20% higher than girls ~~higher roughly 20 than girls~~. ... participate in arts and crafts at about 28% ~~percent~~ compared to ~~approximately~~ 58% ~~of~~ for girls.  
  
Best of luck in your writing.