dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Watch out for the forms of the words you are using in your sentences. I have noticed that you have a tendency to create lengthy sentences when you can omit certain words to create more concise structures. These straight to the point content will help you tremendously evade potential mistakes.  
  
Consistency is the key when you are writing. Academic essays require an informative tone. When you are creating technical descriptions, this is ever-more vital. Ensuring that you do this is vital.  
  
Watch out also for *how you transition your sentences*. Opting to lengthen sentences instead of using appropriate punctuation can create drastic impacts to your essay.  
  
**Let's revise a couple portions in your abstract for your reference.**  
  
Traditional electronic sensors are not suitable for long-term, long-distance, and real-time monitoring of bridges. The paper proposes an optical fiber bridge safety monitoring data collector based on STM32.\* This can collect data and upload bridge structure parameters.  
  
\*I cut the sentence into two portions as the first part is already loaded with a lot of information. Avoid creating these dragging sentences because they do not help the readers understand the content more.  
  
Keep these in mind.  
  
Best of luck!
## discovering cultures and learning history

  
  
38. Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists but not local people. Why is this the case and what can be done to attract more local people to visit these places.  
  
Many museums and historical places often draw tourists instead of local inhabitants because these places are too familiar with them. Therefore in order to catch more local people's attention, governments should display works from other countries and areas.  
  
The main reason why local people not engaging in museums and historical sites to which are mainly paid a visit by tourists is that their works and historical items are often familiar with local people. In fact, governments often display items reflecting their own history which local people are taught in schools and used to, whereas tourists are interested in these unfamiliar works. This results in museums not attracting local people. For instance, most museums and historical sites where display items such as guns, warship from wars in Vietnam are visited by foreigners rather than local inhabitants . Therefore many museums and historical places are mainly visited by tourists rather than people who live in these places.  
  
In order to appeal to more local people to visit these places, governments should exhibit more works and historical items from other parts of their countries and foreign countries. Since, these works are new to local people, they will want to pay a visit to these places so as to discover new cultures and items and broaden their horizons. This can lead to increase the number of local inhabitants visiting these places. For example, in Vietnam the number of local people visiting museums showing foreign works are higher than that of museums showing domestic works. Hence the best way drawing local people's eyes is to display more foreign works and historical items from other places and counties instead of only showing their own historical ones.
**A few key terms I want you to work on: punctuation, grammar, and preposition.**  
  
**In terms of substantiation of content, your essay is sufficient.** You have well-developed and sub-divided your thoughts into clusters. I would only suggest that you try to be wary of the forms of your words. I have noticed that there were instances wherein you needed to cut down your language to create more straightforward content; doing this will help you minimize mistakes as well.  
  
**Let's revise a few parts.**  
  
The main reason why local people do not engage in museums and historical sites is because of their familiarity.\* The government puts on displays items that are reflections of historical lessons; this only draws tourists because of their unfamiliarity. [...] For example, Vietnamese museums displaying guns and warships from the wars are heavily toured by foreigners. [...]  
  
*\*It is unnecessary for you to mention that tourists pay for these attractions because it does not align with the intent and content of this paragraph.*  
  
I would suggest omitting the last sentence here because it's a mere repetition. Try to conclude your paragraphs in a better light. For instance, in this sentence, you can discuss perhaps that these events are often traumatic scars for the local people; hence, they do not find it as fascinating to tour these areas.  
  
Try using more specific examples for your content.  
  
Best of luck.
## food products transportation by air

  
  
*Air transport is increasingly used to export fruit and vegetables to countries where they cannot be grown or are out of season.  
  
What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?*  
  
There is always a discussion that air transportation has increased rapidly by using to export fruit and commodities between countries within all seasons of the years. This essay will discuss that the advantage of air transportation is narrowing the distance between nations and induce them to support each other during a tough time while the disadvantage is an increase the air pollution.  
  
On the one hand, never before the world was connected as a small village while this happens by utilizing air transportation. The primary reason and benefit of air transportation is to help nations to assist each other during the catastrophes by aiding them with foods or medicine using efficient strategies such as air transportation. Aviation industry facilitates a lot of countries to trade their commodities or vegetables to another nation that might require in a specific time of the years. For example, According to a study by The world Trading Association in 2016, many countries said that 54% of South America vegetables are available in their markets all seasons.  
  
On the other hand, the main drawbacks of air transportation is air pollution and lead to global warming. Aeroplane employ fossil fuel in their engines, therefore these aircraft have a negative impact in the environment by increasing greenhouse gas emissions such as carbon dioxide and monoxide in the atmosphere. For instance, a particularly good example was illustrated in 2015 by Australia Sustainable Organization, the data showed that 61% of countries who using air transportation have a high rate of air pollution compared to other didn't employ it.  
  
In conclusion, the main advantage of air transportation is helping to export fruit and vegetables with other nations while the drawback is increased air pollution.
Helloo there.., thank you for posting your essay here  
  
Although this essay is good, some improvements are needed as to help you score this even better.  
  
Let me start with the first paragraph. Majority of IELTS students develop their introduction by simply restating the rubric in the question and showing their claims towards the issues given. Here do I see you have successfully done. However, one to two phrases found there can be categorized as hackneyed phrases where almost they are found in students' IELTS essays. A closer look at these phrases:  
  
There is always a discussion that  
&   
  
This essay will discuss that  
. They are omnipresent, always somewhere around attached in IELTS essays. I suggest you omit them, and therefore your introduction looks more succinctly  
  
The two topic sentences in the body paragraphs are not developed well, since you have left one keyword: export fruit and vegetables. Such keyword is supposed to be in a topic as well. If you leave it away, you fail to write a relevant topic. *Fruit and vegetables transported over a long distance build stable market (topic sentence 1) & The export of fruit and vegetables leads to air pollution (topic sentence 2)* I just share two topic sentences. Please peruse them more closely.  
  
The conclusion paragraph sounds repetitive. Repetition in the conclusion sends you to score a 6.0 in Task Responses. Learn how to give a personal comment which is relevant to the topic discussion prior to ending your essay.  
  
Hope this helps you  
  
Best of luck for your IELTS exam  
  
*Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri*
## Immigration has a major impact on the society.

  
***What are the main reasons of immigration? To what consequences can it lead?***  
*Write at least 250 words.*  
  
Naturally, human beings were born nomadic. Proofs are throughout our history, a large number of migrations of different ethnicities to various parts of the globe had been discovered and scientifically proved by fossils remained in the soil. 21st century, too, witnessed a massive wave of human's migration. However, the reasons accounted for this phenomenon can be different than in the past and going hand in hand with it is the corresponding consequences exerted on our world.  
  
First and foremost, it is no doubt that wars are the main reason for modern immigration. Over the past few years, Middle Eastern countries have been undergoing bloody conflicts, namely civil wars, foreign interventions, and even terrorism. These wars led to a tragic situation that many people' fatherlands became no longer habitable for them due to the fear of getting killed anytime. Many hospitals and schools are blocked and discontinued due to wars, which is a serious issue because education and proper healthcare are human's basic needs. As a result of which, people have no choice but to seek asylums in safer neighbouring countries.  
  
Secondly, people from less developed nations also seek immigration opportunities to wealthy countries in search of better lives. In this age of globalization, news and information about the world are accessible to anyone through portrays of media such as television, newspaper and especially internet. Therefore, people from poor countries can be aware of their own countries' inadequate social welfare system or corruption, which leads to their attempts to seek better lives in richer countries.  
  
Undoubtedly, taking a large number of migrants at once can be a heavy burden for any nation in the world. For example, Turkey currently ranks the first in the list of countries bearing the most immigrants due to its adjacent locations to Middle Eastern countries' warzones. Meanwhile, Turkey also has its own problems such as instabilities, social welfare, and unemployment. Thus, taking care of millions of immigrants can be extremely tough and can harm the country's economy as well as safety. A tremendous amount of money must be spent on the settlements of the immigrants and even bigger amount of money is required to sustain their lives, which puts a burden on the host country's economy. Furthermore, surveillance on immigrants can be a challenging task because of the overwhelming number of people as well as vagueness in their identities. Hence, social evils such as thefts, violence or even terrorism can have more chances to spring up.  
  
To sum up, immigration stems from two main reasons, namely war and people seeking better lives. In some cases, immigration is inevitable because of life-or-death situations of immigrants. So other countries offer to share the responsibility of taking in immigrants taking in the risk that this can also cause many troubles to the host nations in terms of economic burden and safety.
Watch out for your usage of punctuation. Note that there were instances wherein you could have transitioned your sentences better through using appropriate punctuation and remarks.  
  
Remove excess texts that do not substantially contribute to the essay.  
  
**Let's look at the first paragraph as a reference.**  
  
Human beings are naturally nomadic. The proof is throughout history; large-scale migrations of different ethnicity groups to various parts of the globe have been discovered. These are scientifically proven by fossils remaining in the soil. Up until the 21st century, waves of migration persist. [...]  
  
Using more academic terminologies can go a long way to improve the tone of your essay. Notice how instead of saying *a large number*, you can just say *large-scale*. This technique will help you boil down your essay tremendously.  
  
I would also recommend that you try to explicitly mention and capitalize on the differentiation between the second and third paragraph. Notice how the former is a historical account of migration, while the latter focuses on its modern-day accompaniment.  
  
Doing things such as this will help your essay tremendously.  
  
Best of luck.
Are you trying to write an IELTS essay task 2? This essay is good. However, it seems that you are suffering to develop a succinct introduction.  
  
When it comes to an introductory paragraph, you just need to paraphrase the rubric and state your claim. Let me give you an example of this:  
  
*More reasons why people have moved from one to other places can be seen. It is believed that the leading causes are war attack as well as opportunities for better lives, and this brings more consequences on how immigrants pose a fiscal burden on the host country budget.*  
  
Hopefully you can learn from the one I share above.  
  
Best of luck for your IELTS exam  
  
*Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare Kediri*
## ONE paragraph CONNETED WITH HOBBIES

  
  
I have been learning English for 6 months. I think it is better to start writing paragraphs. Please help me check this one. Could you please help me on grammar and word choices. Thank you very much.  
  
When I write about my hobbies, many people may think I am kind of weird. To be honest, I used to love getting together with my friends, sitting in a café, and enjoying parties, but I do not now. I figured out that it was a complete waste of time to participate in these activities, and they did not bring my life any benefits. In recent years, I have spent more time on reading books, which is really changing my life. Actually, I am following the minimalist lifestyle of Japanese people, which makes my life simple and less troublesome. Furthermore, I started cooking, and it has been the best way for me to relieve stress. By understanding recipes, I discover new culinary cultures, which is a real value that cooking can bring to each of us.
I think you write well but there is something that you should do and it can help your writing even better.  
sometimes writing just enough detail, not too much.  
for example, I figured ... waste of time to participate in these activities  
Maybe you can make it shorter ---- I figured out that it was a complete waste my time  
And you should focus on the level of the word such as when you write the academic essay, you should use the word in another level that more formal  
  
Hope my comment can help you  
Never give up!  
You can wirte it
@thach102  
I think that the direction of your essay would be dependent on what you would want your essay to contain. Intent is vital when you're trying to create direction for your content. Having said that, because this is a more casual type of essay, the approach would also be a little bit boiled down than other forms of content. Using appropriate words is also a useful technique to learn.  
  
**Let's take a look at your essay in its entirety and revise a couple of portions in accordance.**  
  
[...] and enjoying parties, but I do not anymore. [...] In recent years, I have made a life-changing decision to start reading more books. I have started following the minimalist Japanese lifestyle, making my life more simple and less troublesome.  
  
Because the structure of your essay right now can be quite messy. I suggest that you introduce the concepts that you want to discuss early on. This can assist you in building a particular theme.  
  
**For instance, I would put the following sentence after discussing how you think that a friendly get-together can waste your time:**  
  
There are two hobbies that have changed my perception: reading books and getting into cooking.  
  
Remember these lessons as you write your essay once more. Best of luck.
## introducing Foreign languages in the school

  
  
Please review my essay and give me an estimated score if I submit it to IELTS exam. Thanks in advance!  
  
Here is my essay of IELTS writing task 2, the topic is " Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?"  
  
My essay:  
  
With the introduction of the internet, there are lots of online courses teaching foreign languages day-by-day. Everyone has chances to be exposed to the online class, so students can have the ability to use these foreign languages early. This phenomenon may contain the advantages and serious drawbacks to the learning process of children at a young age.  
  
The advent of foreign language in the school has not been novel in recent years. The reasons for these classes are from the concept of enhancing relationships among countries. Promoting and requiring the business, education and so on, there are many benefits bringing the corporation contributing to this trend. Teaching children a foreign language should be started as soon as possible. Students from 6 to 11 years old have the highest ability to comprehend knowledge, as reported in research. They are taught to perceive the rudimentary knowledge and it is easy for them to understand these lessons throughout the interesting book. Their brain is like a blank paper, so everything printed on this permanent. Primary school children can learn a foreign language quickly and apply it immediately in real communication.  
  
However, the upshots from the early education of children when they are in primary school cause some drawbacks. Students have to balance their time between learning and playing. It may be rooted in the exhaustion, which is resulted from a ton of homework, when children lack physical exercise and the pressure to meet deadline. This trouble resulted in the lack of childhood memories and apathy that may be a serious problem affecting a natural growth of children.  
  
In conclusion, it is better to teach children at primary school a foreign language, but we have to notice the behavior of students and then, apply an appropriate method to fulfill children development. A new language can broaden new horizons and bring them to their dreams.
Try to use words that are more academic by nature. These are words that do not create a casual tone - instead, they are able to emphasize on the functionality and informative side of your essay. Having these words is tremendously helpful when you are constructing useful lines that will help you curate viable content. I suggest revising with this intent in mind. Play around with the structure and composition of your essay to make sure that you maximize the space that you have, especially because you are working with word counts.  
  
**Let's revise a couple of portions.**  
The introduction of the internet triggered the emergence of online courses that teach foreign languages. Everyone has a chance to be exposed to these, therefore allowing students to have the ability to be proficient in these languages earlier. This phenomenon has advantages and disadvantages to the learning process.  
  
Always try to be consistent with the forms of your words. This is vital to ensure that your proficiency is maximized.  
  
Evade using words like may usually implies uncertainty in your words. Having words that implicate that you are assertive and have in-depth knowledge on the topic is preferred at all costs.  
  
While the progression of your thoughts in the essay is impressive, I would say that you need to be wary of stretching your information too thin. For instance, in your second to the last paragraph, having such a jump of conclusion regarding learning a language leading to lack of memories and apathy is troublesome.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## TEAM SPORT OR INDIVIDUAL SPORT

  
  
**Essay topics:** **Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football. While other people think that taking part in individual sports is better, like tennis or swimming. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
With a myriad of benefits which playing sports bring about, these activities become more prevalent in recent years. Therefore, it is daunting to decide on which type of sport to join. Some people prefer team sports to sports which played individually due to their superior advantages. I assert that both of them have their own virtues.  
  
On the one hand, through partaking in a team sport, people arise the opportunity to hone their social skills and build rapport with the other members. In essence, team sports require the players for cooperating and understanding mutually which put winning into perspective. For instance, about football, regardless of how and what individual talents are, one has to assess the value of every teammate's abilities and strengthen the power of their positions to score the goal. More importantly, a team can create a supportive environment, which helps players stay motivated and keep pace with their teammates. Besides, being part of a team allows you to share the burden of loss as well as the precious winning moment.  
  
On the other hand, solo sports can bring players a huge number of benefits, one of which is the cultivation and maximization of personal capacities. To be precise, without any assistance of others, one has to exert himself to the utmost to come up with solutions to win, which instill higher levels of self - reliance, discipline and passion into him. As a case in point, in tennis, a player has to strategize his ball serves, predict where the ball falls and be agile in his movement, which means that he can succeed on his own merits. Furthermore, when doing sports individually, people are liberated from the constraint of rigidly following a previously agreed plan, thereby having the freedom to experiment with new ways of playing. As a result, such players make progress at their own pace and have a high sense of satisfaction.  
  
In conclusion, each kind of sports has its own merits, but in general, both aim at improving people's physical and mental health. Therefore, it depends on the players' personalities which they want to cultivate and develop to find the one suitable for them.
Watch out for your usage of preposition. I would also recommend looking into using alternatives that are more appropriate when you are constructing your lines. Using relevant articles can also go a long way in your articulation.  
  
**Let's revise the first paragraph as a reference.**  
With the myriad of benefits of playing sports, they have become increasingly prevalent over the years. Therefore, it is daunting to decide which sport to join. Some people prefer team-based ones to the individual ones because of the advantages. I assert that both of them have their own respective virtues.  
  
[...]  
  
Notice how I had switched a to the in the first sentence because of the more specific implications of your context. Furthermore, I also had ensured that I omitted portions of the text that are unnecessary to create more concise structures.  
  
Creating these simpler and yet more forward lines can be beneficial for your essay.  
  
Best of luck.