dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*Hi **Nilendra**, these below are my corrections for your writing. Please, you meet my notes and tackle them.  
Firstly, you thesis statement containing your opinion was less strong. Its reason is because you only said that you know its causes and solutions, but you didn't mention. I suggest you are expected to write one or two words about the cause and solution so that readers obtain general draw what you will review in the body paragraph. Following this, you should keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.  
  
Secondly, you have to focus on the prompt statements given. I think you explained the topic widely. In the first body paragraph, the readers will tend to guess that you elucidated a type of crime in the present although you should concentrate on the cause. Besides that, if you wanna get a high score, your move from a sentence to another is supposed to be smooth. Honestly, the readers need reading this more once to get your point and logic. That case also occurred in the second body paragraph. Hopefully, you can pay attention to this matter.  
  
After that, you require rewriting your conclusion. As we know, the conclusion is used to restate your opinion. In other words, to create the conclusion, you paraphrase your statement in the introduction.  
  
Hopefully, these help you for finalizing your essay.  
GOOD LUCK*
Paras, your score for this essay cannot be higher than a 3 for the following reasons: Your overview summary does not accurately outline the prompt discussion. When you are asked to present a discussion aligning with your own position on a given topic, while also addressing both points of view presented, you should do exactly that. In this essay though, you place your point of view only as a single sentence at the end of the discussion. Your point of view should have come at the beginning of the essay.  
  
The format for this type of essay should have a proper overview in the opening statement, inclusive of your point of view. A better second paragraph would have first discussed the point of view you do not support, in general terms, so that you can oppose the point of view at the end of the paragraph as a manner of transitioning to your own position. The next 2 paragraphs should (1) represent the point of view aligned with your own (2) present a better developed personal point of view that can better support the public point of view that you support. With the final paragraph simply concluding the statement, without offering new information.  
  
Basically, your discussion is good but was not properly represented in the essay. It is because of these reasons that your score could not be higher than a 3. I hope to see some improvement with the next GRE practice essay you work on.
## LANGUAGES ARE OUR HERITAGE

  
  
The globalization of the world has led to several problems including the fact that some languages are in danger the extinction every years.There is belief that this issue does not greatly impact or make any change since life can get less difficult if humans use fewer languages. From my perspective, hence a great number of different communicating system can be a double edged sword, we must appreciate the importance of its existence, which characterized, bolden the beauty of each particular culture.  
  
To begin with, every language owns its very prideful story of the history, the people. American-English itself is a persuative example, owing to the immigrants of England to United States in the early 1800, American use English as their mother tounge. Likewise, standing through the so many battles, become a method of communication between enemies, languages are certained to be the strongest proof of a free-country which could have been dominated for million years. If the first language of a nation if kept, the solidatary can be grown stronger and more impressive. Moreover, the language may represents, stands for a country, a region for instance: French is called "the language of love" due to not only its pique accent and wide range of "high-end" vocabulary to express people's loving feeling but also where it is spoken, the scenery, the citizens are all romantic. Last but not least, the progress of inventing a new language requires long term of hardship, creativity, unstoppable efforts, as a result, the descendants who are lucky enough to heir a great treasure, are entilted to kept, to embrace their purity of their inheiritance.  
  
Languages are not just communicating methods but also are figures, are culture, are pride to each religion which the language is spoken and written. No matter the language is used in a developing country or a third-world country, mother tounge should be conserved in the first place as a shining heritage of a country. In conclusion, it is extremely important to prevent several languages from dying out.
Pham, what is the prompt that you are responding to? You are always instructed to provide the complete prompt topic and discussion requirements along with your essay posting. That is to help me better assess your work for compliance with the IELTS scoring guide. At the moment, I don't even know what topic you are supposed to be discussing because your title got cut off. While you present a pretty good discussion in the essay and offer some pretty convincing reasons for the topic that you are discussing, I am unsure as to whether or not you are properly addressing the prompt. I have to ask you to post the prompt as soon as you can so that I can offer you a more proper review of your work. Like I said, your essay is interesting to read and sounds informative. I just don't know if it is presenting the proper discussion and information as per the prompt requirements.
Pham, the essay that you developed as a response to the prompt has some good and not so good points. The good points, have to do with the fact that you clearly understood the prompt and did your best to discuss the topic in a logical and coherent manner. The not so good points, have to do with the fact that the essay was written in such a rush that you were unable to properly and completely develop the lines of reasoning that you presented in the second and succeeding paragraphs.  
  
There is a lack of clarity in your discussions and you were not able to accurately represent the full prompt requirements, specially with regards to how much you agreed with the prompt. Your conclusion shows that you were confused by the actual prompt instructions because you stated information that is not really related to the instructions you were provided. Therefore, this essay can't possibly score higher than a 4.  
  
While we cannot do anything more about the score that you might have gotten for this essay, I would like you to take the observations I made about your problem points in this work and apply the necessary corrections in your succeeding essays. Pay particular attention to how you develop your reasoning. You don't need to present too many supporting reasons one or two properly developed and discussed reasons will more than be sufficient to get your point across in the essay.  
  
Don't forget to double check your response against the prompt requirements when you are done drafting it. Make sure that you did not miss any points for discussion. Check the discussion requirements and make sure that you accurately developed your discussion in alignment with the prompt expectations as well.
***Hi Pham**, welcome to Essay Forum. I really hope you can harness this medium as well as possible.  
  
I have read this closely. There were some mistakes grammatically and contently. Firstly, please you double check your writing before you upload because this writing has had a few errors in verb agreement, singular/plural, and usage of articles. You might think those are the minor errors, but they can reduce your score. Then, avoid using an idiom in the formal writing because you can make your information vague. Perhaps, you wanna show off your ability to the examiner, but that can become a boomerang if it can be not understood by readers. Keep in your mind that your job in writing task 2 in to communicate with the readers, not to impress them. The essential key is how to answer the give prompts and be presented in a logic flow.  
  
Turning to the body paragraph, that seemed that you have knowledge deeply. You did not display your view systematically because you move from a topic to the other topic without a strengthening, even your examples illustrated widely. Keep your pace in the track of the prompts. Unfortunately, the last sentence in the second paragraph did not relate to your topic. I suggest you do brainstorming before you begin writing for deciding what you want to explain. That is an assessment in the indicator "task Response".  
  
Hopefully, you can separate conclude sentence from the body paragraph. I only remind you that the conclusion is the paraphrase of the aforementioned thesis statement. You can also include a suggestion about the matter after the conclusion, but they are in the same paragraph.  
  
I really hope these can help you for finalizing your writing  
GOOD LUCK*
**The below graph shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries, SUA, Sweden and Japan.**  
150 words.  
  
## numbers of elderly citizens

  
  
The line graph presents the rate of citizens aged 65 and over among three different countries, USA, Sweden and Japan in a period of 100 years length time.  
  
In 1940, the elderly population from SUA and Sweden was at approximately 9% and 7% respectively. Subsequently, the percentage of elderly slightly increased in both West countries until 1980, where followed a slight fall. The rate of elderly national of SUA and Sweden met around 1998 at approximately 14%. However, Sweden 65 aged nationals started to increase sharply reaching 20% in around 2010. Whereas SUA elderly population kept a steady rate. Nevertheless, in 2020 thinks will tale a turn over of the situation for both west countries, as the percentage of elderly ageing 65 and over will rise to approximately 23% for SUA and 25% for Sweden in 2040.  
  
Although, in Japan, the proportion shown in the graph regarding East elderly nationals is a slight fluctuation. In 1940, the rate was at 5% but afterwards slightly decreased until 1960 and 1990 approximately. However, from then kept rising and in 2020 will increase sharply and will surpass the percentages of SUA and Sweden, reaching the peak at 27% in 2040.  
  
All in all, the percentage of elderly population among them three countries, SUA,Sweden and Japan, fluctuate and will increase gradually to 2040.
Ana, we need the graph for the essay to compare your work to. You should know the rules by now. The image always accompanies your IELTS Task 1 essay. Otherwise, how can we score you properly and point out the problems in your data presentation? The general comments on your work will only get you so far. Anyway, here are the general comments for your work.  
  
The main problem with your essay is that you did only the most minimal amount of work in order to present the readily seen information from the graph. Why do I know that? I know it because of the mechanical detailing that your paragraphs contain. There is no sense of real analysis and understanding of the graph you were provided. I am sure that there was more to the graph than just what you presented here. I'll offer more comments about that when I finally see the graph.  
  
You also have a problem with offering an expanded opening statement and concluding paragraph. You need to provide more insight in those paragraphs in order to increase your possible score. Don't just say it in 2 sentences. Try to say it in in 3 sentences so that you can at least offer a glimpse into how you additionally understood the information you have been provided.  
  
I will not score your essay for now. I feel that it would be unfair to do so without having seen the way that you handled the graph information presentation. I hope you can upload the graph soon for additional comments and advice for your continued improvement.
***Hi Ana-Mariana**, you actually will get feedback fully so that you attached your picture of what you reviewed. You are only gonna obtain the feedback generally. Firstly, you should merge between your paraphrase of the question and the overview in the first paragraph. My reason is because a good paragraph should have at least 3 sentences. Besides that, you are supposed to play safely. I mean that because you will fight the time when you take the real test, you should write the overview as quick as possible. That element has the high point so that you can tackle with that problem first.  
  
Apart from that, your body paragraphs were less interesting. I said that because you only describe the information like listing the data. You cannot get the high score because you missed the essential clue in the writing task 1. I only remind you that our job in the writing task 1 is comparing figures, not to display the data separately. When you wanna present the data in the diagram, you are supposed to make comparisons. You can do it easily if you can group well. Therefore, before you start writing this, you should analyze the data to know what you explain in each paragraph.  
  
Hopefully, those can finalize your writing  
GOOD LUCK*
Ana, do you see how the graph is arranged chronologically by year and how the percentage discussions followed suit? There is a reason for that. You were being given an opportunity to discuss the graph by bracket. That means, doing a continuous comparison of the data by grouping the information presentation per paragraph. That way, you present a clear analysis covering at least 2 groups of years. Or, you could have discussed the first 3 years together, then the next 2 years, and then finally the last year which is forward looking, all as separate paragraph discussions. This could have increased your task accuracy and grammar range scores significantly because you would have written more words that hopefully, would have translated into a better description of the graph and increased understanding for the reader. That said, the possible score for your essay, based upon my previous, applicable comments and comparison of your work with the current chart, would be a 5.
Cambridge book 9 test B, task 2  
**Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest times of most people's lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## people in their teens are most happy

  
  
Deciding which age of the life is the happiest is a controversy in contemporary world. While many people think that teenage life is the joyful period out of all, contrarians may believe, adult life has more happiness. In regarding to the debate, pros of the teenage life outweigh the advantages of adult life as far as happiness is concerned.  
  
Teenage life is undeniably the most entertaining part of one's life. Moreover, teenagers have very few responsibilities compared with adults. Further, teenagers most of the time get to associate with same age friends with same interests most of the time; many teenagers don't have to work since their parents fund their education and other extra activities.  
  
Furthermore, modern day teenagers have more activities and facilities to entertain their life happily . for instance, unlike in past they can communicate with any of their friends; anytime of the day due to advancement of the technology. In addition, high school parties and sport events make the life of teenagers more colorful.  
  
On the other hand, antagonists argue that adults can enjoy the life since they don't have any barriers: alcohol, cigarette, adult events. However, most of the events which have restricted to teenagers bring harm to mankind. To illustrate, smoking cause cancers. On top of all, the responsibilities adults have clearly reduce the happiness of adulthood.  
  
As a result, despite the fact that being a teenager or an adult has their own merits, advantages of being teenagers are more significant than being adults. Teenage life has less responsibilities, and entertainment of the life is enormous in teenage life. Thus, teenage life is the most happiest part of life.
IELTS task 2 is actually quite simple if you understand clearly what kind of writing pattern that you should use. Firstly, the most essential part is your introductory paragraph. It is unfortunate that you didn't give any clear overall progression to what extent that this essay will be developed. It is necessary to be stated in the last sentence of your first paragraph. You need to outline the general ideas that you're going to develop in your body paragraphs.  
  
Then, it seems like you did ignoring some punctuation rules. I can see that you accidentally wrote some words with improper capitalization and contractions. In academic type of essay, this kind of thing really matters. Thus, I suggest you to proofread them and re-check any kind of contractions and wrong capitalization and change them into the more appropriate words for an academic writing.  
  
However, you also need to know that I rarely see any kind of essays that separate "the result" into a different paragraph. Usually, a / some result/s should be placed in the last sentence on each body paragraph. This would make everything clear and improve your clarity of your writing. I reckon that you need to focus on this one also.  
  
Hope this helps :)
The biggest problem of this essay is your lack of proper paragraph development for each side of the discussion. There is the pro, the con, and the personal opinion side. 3 topics that should have been discussed in 3 body paragraphs, resulting in a 5 paragraph essay. That is not what you did here. The way the paragraphs are formatted, it is not clear that you are discussing a personal opinion instead of a comparison. The outline is weak because the flow of discussion presented in the paragraph does not list the proper discussion which should have included a clear indication of your opinion, which was to be discussed later on in the essay.  
  
Your opening and closing paragraph are both wrong in this instance. The closing paragraph should have merely summarized the discussion, offered both opinion reasons, then closed with a restatement of your personal opinion. Due to the confusion in the way you presented your discussion, which did not follow the prompt requirement, you cannot score higher than a 4.  
  
I will be unable to write a proper introduction and conclusion example for you because, in order for me to do that, I would have to rewrite your essay in the correct format. You will not learn anything if I revise this essay totally for you just to show you the right way to discuss it. I already indicated the problems and how you should fix it the next time you happen to come across an opinion discussion prompt. Apply the corrections there for an improved score.
**Some universities offer online courses as an alternative to classes delivered on campus. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?**  
  
## brand new learning method

  
  
Modern technology has dramatically changed the way we live today. Among all, students nowadays may no longer need to physically attend courses at university; instead they can choose to study at home via their computers. I believe this new learning method has brought a lot of advantages to the students.  
  
Firstly, computer-based study is beneficial to those less wealthy students who cannot afford to study abroad yet wish to take a certain course offered by an oversea university. For example, in my home country Malaysia, many students lost the opportunities to study abroad during the economic crisis. As a result, they took online courses as alternative in order to complete their bachelor or master degrees. It is obvious that the availability of online courses has enabled students to achieve equally higher educational qualifications, thus making them more competitive candidates during job searching.  
  
Secondly, computer-based study provides greater flexibility to students especially those who face time limitation. For instance, there are students who live far away from the university campus, so instead of spending hours traveling to the university campus, they can opt to study online and dedicate more time to self study. There are also students who need to work part time in order to earn their tuition fees or gain extra pocket money. For these students, online courses allow them to plan their own schedule thus enabling them work and study simultaneously.  
  
Computer-based study has introduced a brand new learning method for students who wish to further their studies. As seen above, I firmly believe that it has more merits and should be encouraged as an alternative to formal classes.
**IELTS writing Task 2 full time education before 18; disagree or agree**  
  
*Thank you for correcting my essay and giving me some constructive advice!*  
  
## longer education

  
  
With the pervasiveness of compulsory education, some people hold that pupils should continue to be educated until they are 18 years old. In my opinion, I agree that young students are ought to have full time education before the age of 18 as it will benefit both individuals and society.  
  
The good reason for youngsters not to leave schools early is that it will award them advanced qualifications which are widely recognized by the whole society. At present, a number of labor engaging in lifetime of unskilled work in factories due to lack of graduation certificates of senior high schools,a phenomenon that is quite normal in China. However, graduates with higher-level certifications are capable of finding decent jobs such as secretaries , teachers and accountants more easily. According to a survey conducted by Global economics,there is strong evidence to show that the connection between the level of degrees and jobs' treatments worldwide.  
  
Another point to consider is that further education can equip adolescents with the ability handling relationship with peers . Since seminars and group assignment account for large proportion in most senior schools curriculum schemes, students can be motivated to cooperate with others to tackle some complicated issues together. Only young generation under 18 year old participate in such activities enough, could they know how to get along with colleagues in workplace,which is beneficial for establishing harmonious working environment.  
  
Finally, longer time education will benefit society in the long run, for the simple reason that it equips a wild section of young people with progressive techniques and professional knowledge instead of some basic ones.people. In other words, having a greater resource of skilled and knowledgeable professionals will bring more economic advantages to society as a whole  
  
In conclusion, full time education until 18 is a must for any country that wishes to advance. The cost of longer full time education will be recouped many times over by the benefit it brings.