dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hey guys, I'm writing about an essay regarding about the topic of Work to live and live to work! Any advice is kindly appreciated!  
  
In today's society, the job choices people can make has become relatively low. Due to the fact that extremely high cost of education in Canada and US, and where high real estate prices in areas of the country in which these desirable jobs are located. For example, even a large salaries will quickly shrink after the costs of mortgage, student debt payment, retirement contribution, and much more; causes most retire with little to no savings. Because of the high education, healthcare, real estate cost, one must work a great number of hours to just live even a bit comfortably. This carries up an often discussed question: Do you work to live, or do you live to work?  
  
For people who fall into the work to live class, they have much less control of the work environment and lower income. Often resulted in a higher stress levels in this class of jobs. For some people in this segment of the working population providing, they can get by they will spend as little time at work as possible. However, there is an increasing number who have to work more than one low-level job to survive.  
  
In contrast, for people who considered as live to work class, they tend to have more control of their work environment and derive greater satisfaction from what they do because of this. So it is to be expected that they will spend more time at work. For many relatively low-paid workers spend long extra hours working without a tangible financial reward.  
  
Awareness raised from the article, for people who are unemployed, it is difficult to describe what they have either leisure or enforced leisure. The definition of free time is for people who can use that time to work and do something useful. Where leisure is not when one encounters an opportunity to escape and relax when you have nothing to escape from.
Here are some corrections I would make..  
  
Due to extremely high costs of education in Canada and US along with soaring real estate prices, job opportunities have become significantly limited.  
  
To add on, those who do have jobs do not have much money left after payments such as mortgages, student debt payment, and retirement contribution. Some do not even have enough for a retirement fund. People have become so busy trying to make a living when at the end of the day, there isn't much left. This raises the question, "Do you work to live, or do you live to work?"
Hi Ethan,  
Let me help you by pointing out the most noticeable errors that you make. I would focus on grammatical range and accuracy instead of the content. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- ... of the country in which **these desirable jobs****are** located. (this sentence has more than one connectors but you only have one subject and one verb.)  
  
- For example, even a large ~~salaries~~salaryorlarge salaries will quickly ~~shrink~~cut/decrease/reduce(inappropriate collocation for the word "salary". Those are the list of the appropriate collocation for the word "salary") after the costs of (...), and much more. (stop here and create a new sentence. why did you put a semicolon there?)It causes most retirement with ~~little~~few to no savings.  
  
- Often resulted in a higher stress ... (where is the subject and the verb of this sentence? Try to find out and correct them)  
- Awareness ~~raised~~rose from the article...  
  
Overall, I think this essay is quite understandable even though some of your errors distract the meaning sometimes. You can post the revision below my message. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. :)
**IELTS Summary TED (v) Nadia Lopez Why open a school To close a prison**  
  
Nadia Lopez, an educator and social activist, said "I want to open a school and close a prison" which she cited from Victor Hugo quote. The implication from the quote is she wants open a new school which located in a place with high crimes rates in Brownville section, Brooklyn. According to NYPD records, Brownsville is a city with the greatest crime rate in the US, particularly in shooting case. Commonly, like other orphan schools, she also faces several crucial problems such as low parental involvement, lack of funding and finding educators. Moreover, bad environment and high crime rates also contribute as obstacles in her way. Not over in that case, her students also have several problems come from their internal problems such as more than a quarter are need special treatment, majority of them unable in English and Math and all of students living in poverty.
Dioba, you have only presented the problems that Nadia Lopez faces in opening her school. A citation of the number of students involved in crime would have helped to illustrate the point that Brownsville has a problem with crime in relation to education. For the readers who are not familiar, you should have included a simple explanation of what an orphan school is based upon the discussion in the video. A single sentence describing such would have sufficed. Finally, always remember that when you present the negative, you need to present the positive as well. That means, your closing portion should have indicated the possible solutions that Nadia Lopez is looking at in order to keep the students in school and out of prison. Those were all mentioned in the video and should have been presented in summary form here as well. Without it, the summary comes across as imbalanced and lacking in a proper discussion summary.
The fitness membership of the women and men, measured by the number of the people participated each five years over 30-year period, is presented in the bar chart. Overall, from 1970 and 1980 the sum of the men always dominated women. Conversely, during 1985 until 2000 the women fitness membership surpassed men, except in 1995. The most significant fact to emerge is that the men in 1975 and 1995 led by far than women.  
  
Initially, the women's membership stood at 1,000 people while the men doubled the amount of women, which hit just above 2,000 people. In the following 5 years, same trends happened again, in which the membership of the men kept twice higher than women. Although both women and men experienced a decrease in 1980, but the men's membership still exceeded the women.  
  
Moving to more detailed analysis, the pattern in which the men always dominated the women in fitness membership saw changes. In 1985, the sum of the women led than men for the first time, which reached at around 2,800 and 1,800 respectively. Subsequently, although the gap between the men and women became closer in 1990, but a dramatic rise was shown by the men to hit a high of 5000 people in 1995. Finally, the number of the women fitness membership took over the men to end at 2000 people while the men solely hit 1000 people in the last period shown.  
  
*
Amril, are you really sure that this essay was created in less or approximately 20 minutes? This essay has too many words I guess. Your job is only to summarize the information, and not to elaborate the information. Some people might prefer to write task 2 first because it has bigger score proportion than task 1. Thus, if possible, this essay should be done in less than 20 minutes.  
  
Stating "Overall" has indicated that you address the reader/examiner to read/check your "overview", but why did you mention it twice by saying this "The most significant fact to emerge is that"? It would be redundant, and again, it can lead to an unclear overview which is only worth 5. You need to bear in your mind that 3 sentences minimum is already adequate to cover all the necessary information that should be presented or summarized.  
  
Let me give you a hint by simplifying your intro:  
  
*A breakdown of the information about fitness membership for both men and women from 1970 to 2000 is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the number of people in every five year. Overall, the most significant fact to emerge is that, men dominated women in the whole period, except in the middle and in the end of the period.*
**Some people feel that entertainers (e.g film starts, pop musicians or sports stars) are paid too much money.  
  
Do you agree or disagree?  
  
Which other types of jobs should be highly paid.**  
  
It is commonly believed that artists, such as movie stars, sports players and pop musicians are given enormous amount of money for jobs that they do. As such, I would say that it is true to a certain degree, although I think other aspects, such as tight schedule and hard work, should be taken into account. Moreover, another occupation, a teacher for example, should be considered to get highly paid due to holding hard task to educate people.  
  
Highly paid for entertainers should be admitted to some extent, in which their salaries given are too much than any other jobs. Taking Indonesia as an example, artists who become cast in a Indonesian movie that they are featured in is given approximately 150-200 millions rupiah per movie. This is absolutely not fair if it compares with other jobs, such as a teacher who only gets 4 million rupiah in average each month. By this I mean, It only makes the disparity of earnings amongst types of jobs wider.  
  
  
However, much more consideration should be paid if people want to judge artist-related wages because many of them merely see based on entertainers' hedonistic life, not by their daily endeavors. In fact, artists have a tight schedule from morning until midnight where they should work overtime and only get tiny hours for sleep. This is primary reason why people should be wiser when assessing artists' earnings.  
  
On the other hand, I would argue that teacher should also be given highly paid due to some reasons. Firstly, they task to educate young generation is not easy because, I believe, when it comes to educating people, it should become an ultimate goal as the future of our planet is in young generation. Secondly, I firmly believe if the wages of teachers are lifted, it will lead to the improvement in the quality of education itself. Thus, it is important that teachers should be highly paid.  
  
In brief, Although to a certain degree I agree that entertainers are too much paid, but people should be thoughtful when judging regarding to this matter owing to endeavors the artists do. Subsequently, I am convinced that teacher should be well-paid due to playing significant role to educate people.
hi, these are my thought towards your essay  
  
should be considered **to get highly paid**  
[ i think it would be better if you write : **to get high payment** or **to be paid highly** ]  
  
**Highly paid** for entertainers should be ...  
[high payment]  
  
Taking Indonesia as an example, **artists who become cast in an Indonesian movie that they are featured in***is given*get paid approximately 150-200 ...  
[artists who have a role in an Indonesian movie]  
  
Firstly, ~~they~~their task is to educate young generation and it is not easy because, (...) an ultimate goal as ~~the future of our planet~~our planet's future is in young generation's hand .  
  
thanks, and good luck
Amril, aside from grammatical reviews that had already been delivered by others, I would like to focus on your content instead. I can see that you were struggling to convince the reader your "unclear" position. If you take a closer look on your statement here "As such, I would say that it is true to a certain degree , **although** I think other aspects, such as tight schedule and hard work, **should be taken into account.**". It is true that you "agree" implicitly, but you did negate your "agreement" by considering some aspects. My suggestion is that you need to present a relevant or clear position towards the prompt. If the prompt asks you whether agree or disagree, you are suggested to come up with a clear answer and you are not suggested to negate your own statement as like what you have written above. This can drag your down to 6 or even worse (5).  
  
Also, when you read sample answers, most of them only have 4 paragraphs. Even, I have never seen any sample answers of band 6 or above that has more than 4 paragraphs for a single essay. Writing more than 4 paragraphs would not only broaden the views but it might broaden the focus as well. It might possible to go off topic. This is the thing that you should avoid later on in the next practice. I think that your previous or latest writing is still better than this one.  
  
Hope this helps mate! :)
Subhendu Sharma was speaker in the TEDx, he spoke that he fascinated to the forest. Recently, forest more help people to reduce the smog, but the problem was the forest rare finded among the cities. Therefore, the speaker had idea to create forest in the backyard. Beside reduce the pollutant, backyard forest offers more advantages, one of them was harvested fruit in the backyard. In addition, Backyard forest was simple to be created. They only use biomass as the basic materials such as grass, powder of rice house, coconut shell, organic manure and water. So people can create forest by themselves with simple way, efficient, and cheap.
Bambang, the essay that you wrote is quite informative and offers the key points of the discussion. However, the background for your speaker is not complete so the reason behind his fascination with forests leaves the reader wondering as to how and why he has that fascination. My suggestion is that in the portion where you present the name of the speaker and that he has a fascination with forests, you mention why that is so and what his early interests in the forest are all about. That way when you present the second part of the summary, the reader knows that the speaker has a personal connection with the topic. The early interests presents the foundation of his current interest in backyard forestry and why he is advocating that cause. When done that way, the essay summary truly leaves the reader completely informed.
Bambang,  
Here's my detailed analysis towards your TED Summary.  
  
- Subhendu Sharma ~~was~~isthe speaker in ~~the~~ TEDx video . (stop here, new sentence)He~~spoke~~said that he fascinated...  
- Recently, forest ~~more~~help people breath easily by reducing~~to reduce~~ the smog, but the problem ~~was~~is~~the~~ forest ~~rare finded among~~is rarely found in the cities.  
  
- Therefore, the speaker ~~had~~have idea to create forest in the backyard.  
- Beside ~~reduce~~reducing the ~~pollutant~~pollution , backyard forest offers more advantages. One of them ~~was harvested~~is that people can harvest its fruit in the backyard.  
  
- In addition, creating~~B~~b ackyard forest is easy~~was simple to be created~~ .  
  
As you can see, most of the mistakes are about the usage of tenses. If it is clearly happened in the past, you need to give time signal to indicate that this event happen in the past. However, statement should be delivered by using present form rather than past. I hope by considering the above-mentioned feedback, you can gain some improvements in the next practice :)
**It is generally believed that the Internet is an excellent means of communication but some people suggest that it may not be the best place to find information.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
It cannot be denied that internet has become the main method for people obtaining information currently. In some countries, the usage of internet even exceeded the usage of other media, such as television, newspaper. Despite the abundant resources people gained online, I take the suspicious attitude toward the accuracy of these resources.  
  
In the first place, one of the advantages of internet is its efficiency. People don't need to look through all articles on newspaper or wait for specific television show. The only thing they have to do is clicking the mouse (or slipping the phones), information they need is shown immediately. Secondly, in the past, the major information comes from the main stream media. Now, by contrast, there are blogs, Facebook, Twitter, even Wikileaks that are quite different from the traditional media. People can get the information from multiple ways.  
  
On the other hand, I think the most important thing people should concern is the accuracy of internet information. Nowadays, everyone can create and edit the news, then post online without any serious censorship. Moreover, some of this online information is manipulated which may lead to redundant panic if spreading. People should have their own judgement to distinguish the real or fake data. Furthermore, to believe it or not.  
  
To sum up, although internet brings us the convenient life, we should considerate the information we learned from it as an unconfirmed message that needs our wisdom to determine whether it is worth to trust or not.
Here are some changes I would make to make your essay more concise...  
  
The internet is efficient and effective. People no longer have to wait for newspapers but can rather access it with a click of a button.  
  
On the other hand, one must take into consideration that not all information online is accurate.  
  
Moreover, some of this online information is manipulated which may lead to redundant panic if spread.  
  
Although the internet is convenient and fast we must consider the information we learned from it as an unconfirmed message that needs our judgement to determine whether it is worth to trust or not.  
  
hope this is helpful:)
**There seems to be an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year. While some think the best way is to use death penalty as a deterrent, many people believe that other measures will be needed. Discuss both sides.**  
  
In recent years, with the rapid development of the economy, the world has faced various debatable issues, one of which is the appropriate solution to the significantly increasing number of social evils. While some advocate that death sentence should be applied to stop this, others believe there are some alternative approaches. This essay will therefore analyze two viewpoints.  
  
The opinion to sentence someone to death is attractive for several reasons. First of all, capital punishment is the most powerful sentence, which may cause fear in a variety of criminals and result in a decline in the quantity of crimes committed. Obviously, there have been more and more deadly crimes against morality in this modern age. An outstanding example is the most recent terrorist attack in Paris, which took hundreds of innocent people's lives. It is therefore totally understandable that more death penalties should be put into practice to contribute to a peaceful society.  
  
On the other hand, I believe there are alternative measures that can produce the same results, however, be more humanitarian. Life sentence is one of the most effective approaches, which has been widely enforced in several countries. For instance, when a person puts an end to someone's life, whether intentionally or unintentionally, he may then seize the chance to lead another life whilst feeling remorse for what happened in the past thanks to life imprisonment. Besides, each and every person has the right to live, which is why others should give them the opportunity to rebuild their lives rather than sentencing them to death.  
  
To conclude, I would argue that despite the fact that death penalty can bring peace to the community, other measures are worth considering due to their humanity.
Mai, when you say that there are several reasons for a particular discussion, you actually need to mention those reasons and no, examples such as the Paris attacks do not count towards those reasons. The better way to have discussed your first reason would have been to immediately say that the death penalty is seen as the possible way to contribute to a peaceful society.  
  
Violet, you must remember something very important when writing this type of essay. The instruction stops with "Discuss both sides". It does not ask you to offer a personal opinion. Therefore, you should not say "I believe..." in the essay. You are not being asked to write an opinion essay, rather, you are being asked to write a comparison essay. When writing a comparison essay, the writer is not supposed to take sides. Just present the necessary data to create what is known as an informed reader. The reader should not be influenced by the writer of the essay to take a specific side.
**Some schools are very strict about their school uniforms and the appearance of their pupils while other schools have a very relaxed dress code.  
  
What are the advantages and disadvantages of children of having a school uniform?**  
  
Schools have different opinion regarding to what their students should wear. It is generally believed by some schools that there should be tight rules as to school uniforms, while other schools assume have flexible clothes could be better. In my opinion, school outfits simultaneously bring benefits as well as drawbacks. In terms of the advantages, school dress code would create discipline and stronger bond amongst students, whereas the demerits are overpriced and pupils cannot be themselves.  
  
With regards to the benefits, the strict rules about school uniforms would lead to the discipline amongst pupils. When pupils are wearing their school dress code, they learn to obey what their teachers state to them, such as tucking their school clothes to pants. Taking my sister as an example, she is currently in the fifth grade of elementary school and usually wearing her school uniforms as she wants. Subsequently, it turns out that she gets the punishment from their teachers due to lack of discipline. As such, it makes her learning as to discipline in school. In addition, the uniform, I believe, would make a great sense of belonging amongst students because all students are treated the same one another. Also, no distinct school outfits can eliminate potential problem, such as who has better outfits than others.  
  
On the other hand, there are also drawbacks wearing school uniforms, in which most students cannot express their personalities clearly owing to school dress code. Every student, I firmly believe, aspires to be something when they become adults, whether to be a doctor, astronaut, journalist, or even has interest in arts and so on. Thus, pupils can choose their school outfits based on what they are really interested in, so that they can express themselves freely. The use of school uniforms then only hindered as such. Another disadvantage is that sometimes the school clothes sold by their teachers are overpriced than in stores. I, myself, once experienced this, in which the price of school uniforms is cheaper in store than in school.  
  
The aforementioned evidence reveals the merits and demerits regarding to the use of school uniforms. Training discipline and making a solid bond amongst students can be the benefits, while the disadvantages are students cannot be themselves and the exorbitant price of schools uniforms sold by school official.