dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
1) type of an essay is crucial, so when asking for a review, it is better to mention the exact essay question. In the intro you have to give a precise answer to it. Your conclusion will also be based on the type of essay question. I would advise watching you tube videos on 7 IELTS essay types, it`s very helpful.  
  
2) there are a lot of words that repeat themselves, such as "some" or "environmental", it is better to make sure this does not happen and use synonyms  
  
3) the conclusion should be a direct answer to the essay question, not a general statement  
4) try to use more sophisticated sentence structure, passive voice, conditionals, cleft sentences  
given that.... It is needless to say that... What people do is... You can google more examples, it can raise your band by 0.5 at least  
  
Good look!
I'm not a native speaker but I would like to suggest you a few things.  
I think it will be better if you write a paragraph about a problem, then give the solution for that prominent problem.  
For example:  
One of the burning environmental problems today is global warming. This is caused by burning of fossil fuel, unplanned urbanization and excessive deforestation. Global warming has resulted in change in temperature on Earth. To prevent further damage this problem can cause, renewable energy sources can be put into use, plantation programs can be carried out and fuel efficient vehicles can be promoted.  
  
I think this will suffice.
It is true that the world is getting smaller and smaller thanks to the development of science and technology. Some people believe that not all information about scientific studies, economy and academy should be shared freely because of its huge importance or values. I would argue that sharing much necessary information in such domains could bring about enormous benefits to human beings across the globe.  
  
On the one hand, there is certain information which is too vital and precious to share with everyone because some different reasons. Take business as an example, more and more companies has emerged and invested on every aspects of life. Consequently, they need to compete to each other in appealing customers so as to increase their turnovers. Therefore, any information about a company's business strategies, special methods, procedures or new images of the products must be kept secretly with the view to avoiding compete unhealthy and imitating from their competitors.  
  
On the other hand, distributing the valuable outcomes of findings from the fields of science, economy and academy has changed the world positively. Telecommunication services applied all over the world can be a typical evidence. This achievement has contributed to enhance communication of people in every corner of the world. Moreover, the success of other facets may stem from this significant achievement. For example, companies can flourish their business with the help to bring their brands to all households through advertisements on televisions, radios or internet. Another more crucial benefit of sharing meaningful findings is to keep humans safe and peaceful. If the medical experiments were just used in the laboratories, there would be no the best advanced methods of surgeon or medicines that have saved millions of patients.  
  
In conclusion, although there are some particular work which needs to be kept secret, It seems to me that it it helpful to share much beneficial information to support a better world.
Hoang, the prompt for this essay asks you to discuss both public points of view first. You are required to give a clear understanding of why each side believes that (a) information sharing should be done freely and (b) Information sharing should not be done at all. Only after the public discussion can you discuss your personal point of view. This type of discussion requirement uses the 3 paragraph reasoning method. Therefore, your essay is not properly informing the reader as you are not disclosing a public POV first. You have converted the essay into a solely personal opinion paper based on the given statement of the public point of view. That alters the discussion pattern completely from the original instructions. That is not how the essay is to be discussed so this essay will get a score, but I doubt it will be enough to be considered a passing one due to the missing discussion requirements.
## more options in this town now

  
  
The diagrams illustrate the transformation town of Harborne, comparing 1936 with 2007.  
Overall, It is clear from the maps that the town changed considerablly over the period shown with the appearance of the ressidentail area in the north east of the village. Additionalluy, the town has provided more options for shopping and leisure activities.  
  
From 1936 to 2007, the area around the the river was developed into a residential area in the north easten part of the city. The number of trees located in the north west dropped significantly in the 71 years period.  
  
In the center of the town, the post office, bank and library still remain. The sweet shop and butchers were destroyed, followed by the apperance of a new supermarket. The flower shop was delomished to make way for the travel agent. The bike path in the south west was redesigned as a road. In the south east, the government offices were replaced by a museum . Whereas the farmland was become the golf couse.  
  
*
I think, you can write something else instead of writing: river was developed into residential area. For example, you can write: The area around the river is seen encroached by a residential area.  
  
There are plenty of spelling mistakes too.  
considerably, demolished, residential, northeastern, additionally, golf course  
You can also use transition words to make the flow very smooth. for example:  
... still remain. **However**, the sweet shop ...  
  
instead of writing, Whereas the farmland ...  
you can write:  
The farmland is seen replaced by a golf course.
***## The only way to improve road safety is to give much stricter punishments on driving offenses.

  
Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Many people think that imposing heavier punishments on dangerous drivers is the solely way to secure traffic calming more effectively. From my personal perspective, this solution associated with other measures should be adopted together to promote better driving habits.  
  
On the one hand, strict punishments can absolutely prevent road users from driving recklessly. Some of these penalties towards traffic violators can be driving ban, license suspension or even more seriously, imprisonment. The purpose of those punishments mainly is to show reckless drivers that their actions are highly causing fatal consequences on the lives of the others. Besides, better law enforcement also helps to ensure the zero chance that those drivers will repeat their mistakes the second time.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that safe driving can be encouraged in several different ways that would be soft on drivers and without punishing them. One of the ways is frequently give random breath tests in order to early spot drunk drivers. Moreover, speeding cameras should be installed to deter people from driving too fast. Finally, authorities and local councils can reduce road crashes by organizing more educational programs, especially for juveniles and young drivers, to attract more public participation, which helps them become more alert when it comes to traffic rules and regulations.  
  
In conclusion, although it seems to be effective to implement such harsh punishments on driving offenses , I agree that there are additionally substitute methods to mitigate the rates of accidents.
Minh, as this is not a cause and solution essay, your response to the given prompt is incorrect. This is an agree or disagree, single personal opinion defense paper. Therefore, your prompt response should have been somewhat as follows:  
  
*Original Prompt: Do you agree or disagree?  
Your Response: From my personal perspective, this solution associated with other measures should be adopted together to promote better driving habits.  
Correct Response: I agree disagree that an improvement in road violation penalties is the only method to better road safety for a few reasons.*  
  
The reason that instruct my students to place their response at the opening paraphrase is simple. The question is being asked in the original prompt, which means the response should be a part of the prompt paraphrase. In this case, a simple reference to the disagreement with the statement at the start will also help the student outline the discussion for his upcoming paragraphs.  
  
This is a single opinion essay and as such, should use 2-3 reasoning paragraphs to support your opinion. It is not a comparative opinion essay since you are not required to discuss both points of view. Unless otherwise specified, all Task 2 essays must be discussed from a single point of view. The concluding paragraph is always presented as a summary of the body of paragraphs and prompt statement. That is the main reason why you cannot present your response to the prompt question in the last paragraph. You need to close the paragraph, not continue the discussion. Remember, you cannot go over 5 paragraphs for the Task 2 presentation. When you do not summarize the last paragraph, you create an open ended essay, which will reflect badly on your TA score.
## flying or driving?

  
  
It is true that travelling by air has resulted in numerous benefits but there are a number of disadvantages to consider. The most important disadvantage of travelling by air is cost. People always deliberate about cost when they choose a transportation to travel. The cost of the flight tickets is extremely high and also difficult to buy in some special occasions. For example, in New Year's Eve, the demand of travelling increases astonishingly so the flight tickets will be expensive and sold out immediately. Another additional disadvantage stems from bad weather as well as technical problems or even terrorisms; therefore, these incidents may lead the flight to be at stake. As the result of that, scheduled flights will be postponed or cancelled hourly which is inconvenient for passengers. A delay of a few minutes is not serious but a long delay can force passengers to miss an important engagement. Lastly, it is a thorny problem for people who have airsickness because they are not able to travel by air eventhough they desire to have a flight. In conclusion, I think you should consider cautiously before making a decision to travel.
Quang, you spelled "even though" as one word when it should have been spelled as two words, separated by a space to indicate 2 words of connected meaning. You should have also used a comma because of the conjunction in the presentation of; "... minutes is not serious , but a long delay can force passengers..." Remember use a comma to connect 2 different topics of relevant discussion in a single sentence. There are also instances when you should have considered using verbs instead of nouns such as in the case of the following:  
  
... before making a decision to travel....  
- ... before DECIDING to travel...  
  
... benefits but there are a number of disadvantages...  
- ... but there are SEVERAL disadvantages...  
  
Since you did not specify if this was supposed to be for an IELTS test or just an English writing exercise, I decided to review your work using US English. These are the corrections specific to that type of English language.
PLEASE GIVE DETAILED COMMENTS ON MY IELTS WRITING.  
I have only 10 days left for preparation. All your help would be really useful to me. Thank you!  
  
## Why do we need music?

  
  
*Prompt: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional usic of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?*  
  
Response: (272 words)  
  
Humans first approached music million years ago, and since then, multifarious genres of music have been created to satisfy the audience. Personally speaking, music is an inevitable part of our society for various reasons, and traditionally inherited music of each nation should be valued the same as the worldwide type of music.  
  
There is a spectrum of explanations behind the natural desire for music of humans. It is scientifically proven that music helps improve mental health, working and study performances. For example, students who listen to Baroque are reported to receive remarkably better grades than students who solely work with numbers and letters. Moreover, people can express themselves freely through music. Clearly, rhythms, tones and melodies convey meanings and entice people more easily compared to words. Finally, the world could not be as close-knit as it is today without music bringing together people from different walks of life.  
  
It is controversial whether traditional music of a country or international music is more significant in every day's activities. While traditional music belongs to cultural heritage and well represents a country's history and customs, international music, though seems catchier to ears, is often a kind of commercial product produced by entertainment companies exclusively aiming for profits. Additionally, international music is said to make young generations forget about their national identity, thus, poses unexpected threats to the conservation of each nation's peculiarity. However, merely sticking to traditional music definitely restrains learning from the developing world while international music help listeners to assimilate into the modern society and become a global citizen. Therefore, people should respect both kinds of music and make efforts to better them.
I think its well written, you have a good flow, did not find any major grammatical issues. I however encourage you to add more arguments in the third paragraph for both international and traditional music. You do defend traditional music well, but there is just one sentence for international music, like there would be more options, or not everyone likes a single kind of music, more instruments to explore, etc. However, my approach would be taking one side and defending it although balancing the essay with a support for the other.  
  
And good luck on your IELTS!
Tran, your presentation, though fulfilling the word requirement, does not meet the minimum paragraph presentation. That is why your discussion comes across as weak and under developed. You could have discussed this essay as a 5 paragraph direct question response essay based on the following format:  
  
1. Prompt paraphrase  
2. Expanded explanation for "Why do we need music?"  
3. The writer's POV regarding the importance of traditional music  
4. Reasoning paragraph pertaining to whether international music is more important than traditional music.  
5. Concluding summary of the 3 reasoning paragraphs starting at paragraph 2.  
  
You should also have given a clear response to the direct questions in your opening paraphrase. For example, I would have said:  
  
*Our airwaves are filled with the representation of international music. This is a notable development in the evolution of a culture and society because music represents the development of a global understanding of one another. That is why, even though the native melodies have an important role to play in music, world music also has its benefits for its listeners.*  
  
Please note how my opening paraphrase basically also set out the discussion points, per paragraph for the essay (as I would have written it). The reasoning paragraphs would have been composed of:  
  
1. A discussion regarding the need for music  
2. The importance of traditional music  
3. How international music provides benefits to its listeners  
  
These 3 discussion points would have created a highly developed discussion paragraph per topic and increased my overall chances at a higher score.
**Question:  
*## many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle

.  
Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. to what extend do you agree with this statement?***  
  
Bringing up the mentally and physically healthy children had been a constant concern of families since back in ages. Some believes that leading children to the healthy standard of living is the main duty of parents, while initiation and development of this idea through the educational system has been stated as another important factor. In the following article it will be discussed how both parents and schools have the impact on children healthy lifestyle and why the role of family is more important than school in this case.  
  
First of all, it is important to notice the role of school to form or reform behavioral structure of children. As the latest research shows, some factors such as following the given structure of a leader or a teacher has a significant effect on reforming the quality of life. In this case, teachers can lead children's mind to the predetermined goals. For instance, when a kid has learnt to treat others violently to obtain his rights, the behavior can gradually be revised by the teacher's psychological advice and the school environmental impact. Moreover, implying the latest successful methods of changing the wrong physical activities of the children is another important responsibility of school while taking care of their education. Implementing various physical activities within weeks and make it will change the bad habits step by step.  
  
Although the effect of educational system on resolving unhealthy lifestyle of children is undeniable, but in my opinion family plays the main role of this. to be more specific, the very first community which children make their life foundation based on it is their family. it is obvious that most of the children inherit their parents living standards and structure before entering the society. Hence once the foundation is made incorrectly, it is difficult to change It by other means. As an illustration, in my country Iran children enter school almost at seven years old. while they have lived seven years with the same life routines as their parents in all aspects, it is difficult to adapt to the standard and healthy way of living after that. As a result, when it comes to comparison, difference in socialization, ease of adaption to healthy life norms, point of view to the life and etc., is apparent between the children from well treated families and the other ones.  
  
All in all, however it has been discussed a lot if the parent and school both obliged to manage children's standards of living, I personally believe although the role of school is remarkable in this case to some extent, but the main obligation is on the family to build up the foundation and lead them to happy and healthy life.
I think the ideas are good. I just wanna comment about the conjunction.  
  
1. Paragraph 2 = It's better to not use ~~"first of all"~~, just start your first sentence with "it is important to notice the role of school......."  
  
2. Paragraph 2 = The supporting sentences are not really connected with the main idea. So you need to sharpen your idea, not adding idea.  
2. Paragraph 4 = It's better to use 'In conlusion' 'To clonclude' than All in all
Ramin, this essay will get an automatic failing TA score because you changed the discussion requirements and method of information presentation. This is an extent essay which uses a measure of (dis)agreement with the given statement. You turned it into an opinion essay based on researched information. The error can clearly be seen in the following breakdown:  
  
Original Prompt: to what extend do you agree with this statement?  
Your Response: In the following article it will be discussed how both parents and schools have the impact on children healthy lifestyle and why the role of family is more important than school in this case.  
  
As you can see, you totally changed the discussion instructions for the given topic. As such, you will be viewed as having failed to address the task requirements and therefore, you delivered the task requirements inaccurately. This will get you a TA score of 1. To add to that, your essay is not focused on discussing an unhealthy lifestyle but mental health instead. Now, while you may have justified the inclusion of this discussion in the original prompt statement, you were unable to properly respond to the prompt, which made your discussion slant irrelevant to the essay topic. Since you never properly quantified the measurement of your opinion, and what that opinion might be in relation to the given topic, the essay has failed to meet the required prompt information. While you made some sort of representation of this in the last paragraph, that is not the place to discuss your extent response as the concluding paragraph should only be a summary of the discussion. The response to the prompt is always given in the first paragraph to help the student represent a discussion outline in the essay.  
  
You also do not follow the proper English writing rules regarding capitalization as there are instances when you use a lower case letter to start a sentence (after the period). Every first letter of a new sentence is always capitalized.
## Importance of exploration and development of safe alternative to fossil fuels

  
  
The exploration and development of safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most important global priority today.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.  
  
It is undeniable that fossil fuels are still our main source of energy. Finding safe replacement powers which have less side-effects on environment are vital in the world. I will explain it in details in the following paragraphs.  
  
Day by day, the scale of using fossil fuels continues to grow in every corner of the world. In other words, developed countries use fossil fuels to develop their industries and economics while developing countries have no other choices. Moreover, it is obvious for all human kinds that global warming and the damage to the protective ozone layer are caused by carbon dioxide and other by-products of fossil fuels. Therefore, I certainly agree these problems are global rather than national ones.  
  
while some countries take advantages of using safer energy sources like wind, water and solar power, it seems that these alternatives are not easy to reach for all countries. I mean, the technology for producing energy from these natural sources is both sophisticated and expensive. Then, investing in research and development to make renewable energies more convenient , should be a global priority.  
  
some may argue that the universe faces more important difficulties like poverty and diseases. But , I think the energy problem is the most important priority because the consequences of this issue are extremely vast and it can threaten all living beings.  
  
To conclude, I strongly agree with the given statement and removing obstacles for developing safe alternatives to fossil fuels should be the most pressing global priority.
Hello,  
This essay is good but just mistakes if you take care of, you will enhance it.  
First of all, the ending statement is quite short and not important; you just repeated the question which can result in unfavorable ramifications.  
Second, you were not aware of the capital letters in each paragraph. Just like "while" and "some", all these can be harmful to your holistic essay.  
  
third, some grammatical mistakes that you must take care of to improvew your essay:  
"have less side-effects on environment are vital in" This noun is missing a determiner before it. just like "the"  
"while some countries take advantages of using" if you want to make "advantages" then I think you can add " a lot" or "myriad". to leave it plural or you can make it singular.  
  
Over all, your essay is very convenient and has strong reasons. I hope this help.