dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The format you have chosen to use for this essay is incorrect. In fact, even with your incorrect 5 paragraph format, your essay is still under the word count at 242 / 250 words. So you automatically get word point deductions for not meeting the word count. Then, your paragraphs oftentimes only have 2 sentences in them, when the required count is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. So the formatting of this essay alone will already be a problem that will limit your scoring capability in the overall scoring consideration.  
  
While your reasoning is acceptable, this essay only requires 2 reasoning paragraphs, not 5. Only comparative discussions with a personal opinion use the 5 paragraph format. You should aim to be consistent with your sentence count. 5 lines per paragraph to make sure that you meet the minimum word count at the very least. It will help to add clarity to your idea presentation and give you a chance to really write a mix of simple and complex sentences. Never use single sentence presentations (run-on sentences) or multiple idea presentations per sentence (still a run-on).
As an IELTS learner myself, I believe this is not a standard format of task 2 writing. You only need 4 paragraphs.  
Introduction: 2 sentences  
Body 1 and 2: reasons and explanation 3-5 sentences (each paragraph has one topic sentences, supporting ideas and example)  
Conclusion: 1 sentences  
As I read, you divided your essay into 5 with 3 reasoning paragraphs, which is unnecessary. You should narrow down to 2 reasoning paragraphs only. Also, three of them have no topic sentences.
## What matters most to me?

  
  
If you ask me what is the most important in my life, i'll say discovery.why? because by discovery i can realize the structure of sth and figure out what sth really is.  
  
When your studying your lessons if you discover the relationships, circuits and the mechanisms you'll learn more and memorize much better.  
Discovery is not important per se, it's important when you apply it for your work in progress.  
You can virtually account discovery as a tool for success.
You are not writing a text message. You are not writing in shorthand. You are not writing in an academic manner. Any teacher who reads this will automatically fail you in the class. "sth" means something in text, but it does not mean anything in proper and formal English writing. Your essay sounds more like you are just trying to be sarcastic, focusing on just getting the work over with rather than actually trying to write something that you can be proud of because your teacher will give you a passing grade. Your lack of focus on the proper development and content of this essay is clearly non-existent. Your presentation does not have any essence, thought process, or proper discussion presentation. This is a joke that no English teacher will ever take seriously.
The essay itself is descriptive. However, the descriptiveness does not help the story move forward. The descriptions should not merely be about the background or straight actions. You need to make sure that your descriptions move the story forward. You have to describe the actions, the movements, the pieces of equipment, even the sky color if you wish, so that the descriptions bring the reader into the story with you. The descriptive writing you have presented is flat and one - dimensional. It is not very interesting because there is no true story being told. The actions unfolding do not connect to create an interesting story for the reader. The descriptions, actions, and story need to work together to form a more engaging descriptive writing piece. You have shown the potential to be good at describing things, so with a little more work, you should be able to develop a truly interesting descriptive writing piece.
Topic: ## In many countries around the world, life expectancy is increasing.

  
***Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this situation and give your own opinions.***  
  
Nowadays, people evolved in a positive way. Many countries witnessed a rise in the human lifespan. Although some advantages of this trend could be seen, in my viewpoint, they are outweighed by the considerable drawbacks.  
  
On the one hand, the growth in life expectancy brings some clear benefits for individuals. Firstly, people who live longer have opportunities to stay with their families and enjoy their relaxed life after many years working hard. They become grandparents and could take care of their children. As a matter of fact, almost children having grandparents be together are better than others at life skills thanks to their experiences gained from the elderly. Moreover, old people could promote relationships among their family members. They are usually considered as family moderator.  
  
On the other hand, lifespan increasing caused many issues for social. One negative effects of rise human lifespans is an aging population that puts burdens on healthcare services such as hospitals and nursing home. These places might face a manpower shortage or run out of money because the elderly often require more frequent and long-term health care. Another disadvantage of this trend is that young people will access less job opportunities due to the people retiring later. If this condition persists, it will lead to more serious consequences. For instance, there are more jobless people preventing the economy growth.  
  
To sum up, there re many benefits that could be seen from the increased human lifespans but the negative effects of this trend, in my perspective,definitely eclipse these benefits.
I will help you check your grammar, tenses and spelling as I still work on my writing skills.  
  
"Nowadays, people have evolved  
Many countries have witnessed a rise in ~~the~~ human lifespan. .."  
  
"... have more opportunities to ... their relaxed ~~life~~ lives after many years of working hard.  
... their grandchildren.  
... almost all children having grandparents ~~be~~ together ..."  
  
"... for society.  
One negative effect~~s~~ of ~~rise~~ rising human lifespan~~s~~ ... and nursing homes.  
... due to ~~the people retiring later~~ late retiring people..."
In the prompt paraphrase, you have to clearly indicate, through a restatement, the discussion instructions. You could have done that by indicating:  
  
*... The extended lifetime of a person has resulted in both advantages and disadvantages. My opinion, is that the negatives of the longer life expectation will result in more negatives than positives.*  
  
Since this is a 3 paragraph discussion, your essay is missing a complete paragraph. This is the paragraph that should be representing the explanation of your personal opinion. The first 2 paragraphs have to explain the public opinion that support each point of view. Since you were asked to present your opinion separately, then it should be in a stand alone paragraph before the concluding presentation. So your presentation is only partially prompt adherent. You will lose points for not being able to defend your personal opinion as indicated by the original prompt.  
  
Your opening and concluding paraphrase are both incomplete. These should completely cover the restatement of the original topic and idea presentations. 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You don't really convince the reader properly within those opening and closing presentations. It weakens the essay when your paraphrase presentation is not comprehensive as it should be.
I make a practice on TOEFL writing and would like to hear comments on it.  
  
## people now are less happier and satisfied than people were is the past

  
  
Because the world is changing so quickly, people now are less happier and satisfied than people were is the past.  
  
The change speed of the world in the decades is several times than two thousand years. New technology launches everyday that turns the world everyday a brand new day for people. The rapid changing of the world grants people less time to react to the circumstances they encounter with. To not be left by the world, everyone is forced to learn quicker.  
  
Not all people are good at adapting themselves to the circumstances they are in. Gradually, people become less happier and satisfied than people were in the past. More and more people get depression in the last ten years attributed to the rapid change of the world. The change gives us an unstable feeling that nothing is for sure, where the truth we believe in today may become the fault tomorrow.  
  
I believe I am one of the most influenced. I myself struggle a lot whenever new technology launches and just realize recently this progress of technology suggests changes- mandatory changes of the life style. I was a person who liked to be out reach, by being out of the town and excluding any visits, to enjoying time being alone. Such life style gives me the feeling of tranquil as I feel I have all the control over my life and my selves. In the past, Even though I cut off the connections to the outer world, I don't need to worry about the world I will face since when I come back, everything remains almost the same and I can still catch up. However, as the technology has revolutionary progress during this decade, especially the invention of Internet, I myself am forced to change such life style. I won't have excuses to be out of reach wherever I go. Being interrupted, or even just the thought of it, by the outer world makes me anxious. Not to mentioned that the world could be totally different in a very short period of time.  
  
Such insecurity change I way I live and believe not only I but most people nowadays force themselves to adapt to the new world. Gradually, We just found nothing is in control instead of acceptance, to accept that the invention of "internet" totally change the way we access to information, the artificial intelligence is deciding the appearance of the world. Losing control lead to the anxiety shared by the society. Sad but true, we become less happier and unsatisfied than we were in the past.
Your opening paragraph is not very understandable to a native English speaker. You are making claims that are not related to the original presentation. Your response is also incomplete as you do not offer a direct response: Do you agree or disagree? Why? Rather, we have a long winded paragraph that tries to impress the examiner with your English vocabulary, which, when all the words are put together, did not make for an understandable sentence. The main problems with your presentation are as follows:  
  
- Lack of clarity in your presentation based on difficult to understand explanations and ideas  
- Problems with word choice and usage  
- An extreme problem when it comes to grammar and formality within the presentation  
  
While you did use a good example by basing the discussion on your experience, you need to focus on the clarity of your presentation. Your sentence development is negatively affected by your inability to choose the proper words to use in the presentation. I can see your potential to pass this test. You understood the question but failed to properly express yourself. The solution would be to develop your vocabulary and increase your sentence building / writing exercises so that you will learn to write clearly by using the correct word choices.
***Schooling is no longer necessary, since more and more information is accessible on the Internet, and students can study just as well at home.*  
## To what extent do yo agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
The rise of easy access to online information questions the necessity of school attendance. Still, I strongly disagree that it could overtake the latter. I believe formal schooling remains an irreplaceable part of an individual's education despite the abundant sources of knowledge the digital society can offer.  
  
It is undeniable that the internet has delivered an explosion of learning opportunities for Generation Z, providing both fundamental and advanced knowledge in a wide range of fields. Free online courses, integrated with high quality lectures and visual aids, are constantly introduced in the interests of learner's autonomy. What is more, learners can flexibly schedule their timetable and absorb knowledge at their own pace thanks to the ubiquity of personal computers and wireless connection. In spite of these merits, conducting internet-based study at home requires high level of self-discipline and concentration while most students are easily distracted by social networks and recreational sites when they turn on their computer.  
  
Formal education would therefore counter the negatives of self-study using online resources. From the early stage of their school life, children are put in a framework, where they learn to follow class rules and regulations. Such well-disciplined environment helps not only minimize distraction but also boost learning productivity, which is hardly achievable in domestic settings. On another note, there is a pitfall of internet study materials as they can be inaccurate or level-inappropriate, not to mention misleading and distorted information, harming children's mental health and cognition. In contrast, institutions and educational workforce often invest significant effort in researching and designing curricula that are standardized and targeted at certain grades. These accomplished educators, who possess profound understandings of child studies, are capable of facilitating young generation with proper approaches to attain learning efficiency and intellectual development. Thus, their role in one's academic journey is indispensable.  
  
in conclusion, although children nowadays can have an enormous volume of information on the internet and its utilities at their fingertips, I hold the belief that schools still are, and will be for years to come, of the utmost importance in bringing wholesome and comprehensive education to children.
Kindly review the question you are being asked to respond to. This is not an essay that is asking you to create a new opinion and present it. Rather, you are being asked to describe the extent by which you agree or disagree with the given statement. Therefore, you cannot respond with "I believe...". Rather, you should respond with: "I disagree with this statement to the degree that I believe formal schooling..." Always include a reference to the measured response as indicated in the original prompt. Otherwise you are not really responding to the task requirements.  
  
You should never offer a comparative discussion in an extent essay because you are being asked to defend your singular response to the question. You need to use 2 reasons that will convince the reader that your opinion is valid and based on either personal experience, knowledge, or currently and publicly known facts regarding the discussion topics. Use the comparative essay presentation only for Advantage v. Disadvantage discussions or Dual POV discussion with a personal point of view reference.
## INVEST ON RAILWAYS OR ROADS?

  
  
Write about the following topic:  
***Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?***  
  
It is widely argued that the railways are more in need of the Government's investment than roads. For certain reasons, I believe this point of view is likely to be disagreed.  
  
Based on the fact that cars are now the dominant choice of vehicles in the world, investing in roads is, indeed, one of the top solutions for the rate of car accidents. In particular, the quality of roads, especially high-way, has shown significant impacts in reducing accidents that happened due to wheel-strip, blocking-objects,... The more people choosing cars as their vehicle, the more responsibility the Governments are facing to guarantee their safety on the roads.  
  
Having said that there are some who still agree because they think better railways would somehow encourage people to use public transportation, such as trains. However, it is its convenience, of which time-flexibility and time-saving, comes along with the privacy of personal vehicles that make cars way more common than trains. Therefore, spending on railways can be considered as not efficient, when the roads are more urgent to be invested.  
  
Furthermore, the process of putting a train into running not just includes only qualified railways, but also a whole complex system of the workforce, energy, and engineering platform that needs to be maintained. By that, investing in railways turns out to cost the Government much more money than that on roads. The national resources can be saved just by spending on improving roads instead of railways.  
  
To sum up, I believe there are more reasons to disagree with this statement. In the next decade, roads will still need a concentration of government investment, until cars stop being the number one vehicle chosen.  
  
*Thanks for reading and please leave a comment down below to help me improve my essay.*
Your response to the question is incorrect. This is an extent essay. Therefore, a measured response with proper reasoning is required for the paraphrased presentation. You are also creating a misrepresentation of the original prompt by using the phrase " widely argued". There is no argument being presented nor referred to in the original presentation. It is a mere suggestion or discussion, which would have been the more appropriate descriptive words to use in your rephrasing. You may have written the paraphrase with response as:  
  
*There are suggestions being made that national leaders must allot more finances to the building of train tracks. An opposite suggestion has also been made that cash should be allowed more for the building of thoroughfares. I disagree completely with the former idea due to the degree by which private vehicles are more beneficial to people, thus requiring more roadway than train lines.*  
  
Your opening paraphrase is incorrect in terms of formatting. You are missing one more sentence to meet the minimum requirement. Your concluding paragraph does not offer a clear summary of the previous discussion, which is the required format presentation of the concluding paraphrase. You created a continuing discussion, but failed to complete the presentation so the essay ended on an open presentation rather than a full circle, concluded presentation.
## Large outdoor public spaces

  
  
*It is important for all town and cities to have large outdoor public spaces such as squared and parks. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?*  
  
In this day and age, the topic of how necessary the public areas are has still remained polarized. In my opinion, although these open premises could bring a myriad of advantages for community, I side with the opinion that it is not really indispensable to build these places.  
  
On the one hand, that towns and cities have huge squared and parks is believed to be one of the best ways to improve citizens's health and finance. First, it is undeniable that the majority of individuals have to shoulder tremendous burden of work and study, leading to their mood disoders and anxiety. Due to the appearance of parks, they can relieve their stress effectively by meeting friends and relaxing in clear atmosphere. Second, outdoor public areas are claimed to be the heart of a city as they could attract various tourists. Because of that, the shortage of city budget and employment is highly likely to be solved.  
  
On the other hand, the towns and cities could suffer the dilemmas of situations such as environment if they intolerantly build these premises. Lack of land resources has been the main problem in the world, which makes it unable to construct squared and parks. However, in some cities, citizens destroy buildings or transgress sea to build these places to make a profit. For example, in Vinh Phuc city in Vietnam, dwellers log the trees to build a cemetery, which would affect tremendously on eco-system and people's health conditions. Therefore, it is universally acknowledged that people should not build public spaces if they do not have sufficient ability.  
  
In conclusion, open places could help people relingquish exhaustion and gain money, but the towns and cities are not provided incentives to construct these places if it harmfully impacts on community.
You have misrepresented the original topic, which means you changed the prompt requirement. This deviation could result in points being deducted from your TA score. You are using trigger words as well instead of academic terms (polarized). There was nothing in the original prompt presentation that represented any form of polarization. Yet you referred to such a thing in your presentation. Points will be deducted for an inaccurate rephrasing of the original prompt.  
  
The discussion approach for this essay requires you to convince the reader that you have the correct single opinion in response to this question. You should therefore, be using 2 paragraphs to prove your point. The problem, is that you did not really respond to the direct question being asked in the original prompt, which required a clear response in the paraphrased section. Your TA score will show that your response is inappropriate, resulting in additional deductions from the start of the scoring process for your essay.  
  
Your vocabulary is awkward in this essay. The writing does not feel natural. The word "indispensable" did not feel like it belonged in the sentence that you wrote. Do not write just for the sake of increasing your LR score. If the word you use is not really appropriate for the presentation, it could even work to lower your LR score in the end.  
  
Avoid writing run-on sentences in the conclusion. You need to write 3-5 sentences of restated information from the original topic and, reasoning discussions. Your conclusion is difficult to follow and hard to understand because you chose to use a comma, placing a pause, instead of a period, at the end of certain presented aspects. A pause does not really help the reader to gain a clarity from your writing in the same manner that a period would have.
## Every year, an increasing number of people suffer from fast food related diseases.

  
***The government, therefore, should impose a high tax on fast food.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
In different parts of the world, it is reported that there is a constant rise in the number of cases related to fast food. While I am of the opinion that the government should issue a heavy tax on this type of food, I also argue that other options could be taken to deal with this situation.  
  
On the one hand, fast food restaurant chains have to pay a higher tax compared to other businesses. The first reason is that this is considered an effective approach to control the establishment of fast food stores. Specifically, a higher tax payment means that fast food owners are unlikely to earn much profit from their businesses. In addition, governments can use the amount of money collected to fund health care system as compensation to those suffering from fast food related diseases, which could help reduce financial burden when they are in hospital.  
  
On the other hand, there are other alternatives that could be taken into account. One possible solution is that governments are advised to organise health campaigns to raise people's awareness of the negative impacts that fast food may cause. For example, the high volume of sugar, salt and fat in French fries, hamburgers or fried chicken will probably lead to high cholesterol or even diabetes. More importantly, there should be strict rules and regulations on food manufacturing in order to ensure the origin of ingredients as well as approved nutrients before reaching customers.  
  
In conclusion, in addition to changing tax policy, it is necessary for governments to draw the attention of customers and put fast food restaurants under control to protect the public health.