dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## physical fitness among australian citizens

  
  
The following bar graph illustrates the proportion of Australian population in both genders who did exercises regularly in 2010.  
Overall, female accounted for far higher percentages in almost age groups with the exception of the first and last one.  
A closer look at the chart reveals that the highest figure of men was 52.8 % belonged to people between 15 and 24 years old while which of women was 53.3% of the group from 45 to 54 age. That means men did physical activity more regularly when they were young whereas women tended to do that when they were in mid-age. Furthermore, the percentage of female doing exercises steadily increased to reach a peak and then slightly decreased.  
  
In contrast, which of male followed an opposite trend, they reduced their frequency of doing activity when they were 15 to 44 years old and then gradually rose in the next 4 periods. We can also see a similarity in the last age group, which both proportion of two genders were 46.7% and 47.1% for men and women respectively.
@mynhung  
as i know about task 1, you must reach 150 words at least.  
the first problem is that you do not have the chart's image. it's too difficult to give you more comments.  
the second problem is that in each paragraph, you should try to phrase words by your ways, for example, in your first sentence. (or your first paragraph)  
  
in overall, you should give about 2-3 sentences which contain features of the chart  
in next 2 paragraphs, you should have clever ideas to divide content that describes the chart. in an easy way, one for female and one for male.  
  
moreover, it's not necessary to give your own opinion as '' That means men did physical activity more regularly when they were young whereas women tended to do that when they were in mid-age''. instead of that, give more detailed points.  
  
hope that my comments can help u a little
## Qualities required by employees

  
  
Some businesses find that their new employees lack basic interpersonal skills, such as cooperative skills. What are the causes and suggest some possible solutions.  
  
Recently there are complaints among employers about the absence of interpersonal skills in the young labor. There are several explainable reasons for that issue, and also feasible solutions to adopt.  
  
Failure to cooperate with the others between new employees may be attributed to some causes. Today advanced technology has enabled people to lead an extremely convenient life, which consequently results in a sedentary lifestyle and a decline in social gathering. With less in-person interaction, a number of youngsters gradually struggle with the loss of confidence and communication skill. Furthermore, nowadays lots of young people choose to live alone or in small family instead of in a traditional big family, and some of them are financially independent very soon. This particular trend may contribute, more or less, to undermine social bonding even inside family, the very first and the ultimate form of community.  
  
However, it is crucial that steps be taken to tackle the issue. In educational institutions, a less passively teacher-led and more about autonomous learning method which includes teamwork discussion, pairing assignment, idea exchanging and debate should be highly promoted. Besides, teachers should create an active learning environment where students support each other and eliminate unhealthy competence. In firms and companies, training sessions, as well as team-building program should be established on a regular basis. For example, company trip on holiday with game for groups like Pictionary may help breaking barriers and enhancing fellowship between staff.  
  
In conclusion, although some possible caused can be identified to thoroughly understand the businesses' concern, there are practical measures for us to improve interpersonal skills of the present young labor.
Wow great ideas that u have put into your essay.**EXCELLENT :) !.**  
**hOwEveR :),** i would show you some really minor grammatical mistakes of yours like : "Recently "," there are complaints ... absence of ***interpersonal skills***(this should be paraphrased) in the young labor. ~~There are~~(bc u have already used it :D)Some several explainable reasons will be given for that issue..."  
  
~~"Failure"~~ Fail to cooperate ... Today ,advanced technology ... lead an ~~extremely~~(i dont think u need to be so accurate like this) convenient life, ... results in a sedentary(damn nice word :) ) lifestyle and ...  
  
Para 3 is nearly perfect to me so i dont think i will give any comments toward it :D.  
BUTTTTT! I think some parts have the word "skill", u could have replaced it with some words that i know like "technique" :).  
So good luck pal and hope you do better next time xD!
@manhmoc  
  
Hello there!  
  
Firstly, I recommend trying to trim down the content of your sentences to make them digestible and easier to compartmentalize. Doing this will help you have more space to elaborate the pivotal portions of the essay, keeping in mind that you should focus more on depth compared to every other factor. I think that the writing techniques that you have as of the moment are quite impressive already - however, there's room for optimizing the essay by omitting lines that you do not need.  
  
Let's take a look at your essay to show what I mean by these comments.  
  
~~Recently t~~ There are ... There are several ~~explainable~~ reasons for ~~that~~ the issue~~, and ... to adopt~~.  
  
Failure to cooperate with ~~the others between~~ new employees may be attributed ~~to some causes~~. ~~Today a~~ Advanced ... to lead a~~n extremely~~ convenient life, ... and ~~a~~ decline in socialization ~~gathering~~. With less in-person interactions, ~~a number of~~ youngsters ... communication skills.  
  
In addition, evading the use of filler or buffer lines will also help you trim down your essay.  
  
Take a look at this revision:  
  
This ~~particular~~ trend may contribute~~, more or less,~~ to undermin~~e~~ing the social bond~~ing~~ ~~even~~ inside family, the very first ~~and the ultimate~~ form of community.  
  
Notice how you do not need to mention that it's a *particular* trend, considering that it does not contribute to your essay's content.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## Consumer spending on different items in five countries

  
  
The table illustrates the percentage of national expenditure on three different categories of products and services in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey in 2002.  
It is noticeable that food, drinks and tobacco category accounted for the largest proportion in consumer spending in all five countries in 2002. By contrast, the lowest percentage of consumer expenditure went on leisure and education category. The outlay of Turkey was generally higher than the other four countries.  
  
Out of five countries, consumer spending on food, drinks and tobacco was noticeably higher in Turkey, at just over 32%, and Ireland, at nearly 29%. The proportion of spending on leisure and education was also highest in Turkey, at 4.35%. On the other hand, the spending on clothing and footwear was significant higher in Italy, at exactly 9%, than in any of the counterpart countries.  
  
In 2002, Sweden had the lowest ratio of consumer expenditure in terms of food/drinks/tobacco and clothing/footwear, at nearly 16% and 5.4% respectively. Spain had slightly higher figures for those categories, but leisure/education was by far the least popular category in Spain, the ratio for this category stood at approximately 2%.  
  
*
Hello there!  
This is an excellent description of the table. You do a very good analysis of everything, but I do have one critique.  
Some of the diction in the third paragraph, specifically the words separated by slashes, would be better and considered more formal if written out together.  
  
For example, instead of food/drinks/tobacco, you can say "food, drinks, and tobacco".  
Do with this what you will, it's really only just a matter of style - if you do like it, then you can keep it.
***PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION EMPLOYED IN DIFFERENT CATEGORIES***  
  
**Topic:**  
The chart shows the percentage of the adult population employed in different categories in 2003 and 2013  
  
**My essay:**  
The bar chart compares the proportion of adults employed in seven sectors: engineering, medical, self-employed, business, hospitality, education and unemployed in 2003 and 2013.  
Overall, the percentages of population of engineering, medical and self-employed went up, while the figures of the remaining sectors witnessed the opposite trend.  
In 2003, the data of engineering was 16 percent compared to 18 percent in 2013. After 10 years, the figure of the medical sector rose by 8 percent. For the self-employed category, the difference between 2003 and 2013 was 5 percent.  
  
On the contrary, the population proportion of business in 2003 was highest of all (30 percent) and this reduced to the same as the medical sector. The figures of hospitality and education dropped by 2 and 7 percent respectively, whereas the rate of the unemployed category decreased to reach 3 percent in 2013.  
  
*
@nimbus2k2  
Hello there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. I hope you gather valuable insights from here.  
  
I think that the structure and composition of your essay is quite excellent and put-together. My primary suggestion would be that you should attempt to omit unnecessary and repetitive words to create a more dynamic composition. For instance, there's no need for you to repeatedly mention that these are regarding the figure, considering that it's the primary object of your analysis.  
  
Hence, a revision like this can be accommodated:  
  
Overall, the percentages of population of engineering, medical and self-employed went up, while the figures ~~of~~ for the remaining sectors witnessed the opposite ~~trend~~.  
In 2003, the data of engineering was 16 percent compared to 18 percent in 2013. After 10 years, ~~the figure of~~ the medical sector rose by 8 percent. For the self-employed category, the difference between 2003 and 2013 was 5 percent.  
  
In the succeeding sentence, I suggest that you try to optimize it as well through evading the usage of words/phrases that do not precisely contribute. When you make an observation, it would be unnecessary for you to explicit mention the figures.  
  
Look at this revision:  
  
... was highest of all ~~(30 percent) and ... sector.~~, making it equal to that of the medical sector.  
  
Best of luck in your writing!
This is my essay on topic  
*"Do you agree of disagree with the following statement?. Universities should give the same money to their students' sport activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion".*  
  
## Sport activities vs Libraries

  
  
Please give me feedbacks, thank in advance  
  
Some people think that universities should give the same amount of money for their students' sport activities and university libraries. I do not agree with that point of view. In my opinion, university libraries should be received more money than student's sport activities because most of student spend their time in libraries for study than for sport activities. Hence, university libraries need money to make more comfortable space for students' study, buying new computers and increasing internet's speed and increasing number of books.  
  
Universities libraries should be given more money in order to create better learning space for students. Most of student in universities choose studying in university libraries instead of studying at home. Students spend almost their hours in a day in libraries and they just participate sport activities in their free time. The more comfortable space we stay, the better results of our study we get. Thus, university libraries need a lot of money to make the space of library be better in order to serve students by the way buying new chairs, new tables and improve the air conditioner system.  
  
Universities libraries need a lot of money for buying new powerful computers and installing a high-speed internet connection. Since most of students spend most of their time in university libraries, so they may use computers and internet of university libraries. Libraries need more computers for students that do not have a personal computer. In addition, a high-speed internet connection is very useful when there are many users at the same time. Buying new computers and installing high-speed internet may be expensive so university libraries should be given more money than students' sport activities.  
  
Although, most of documents are in digital form, books also play an important role to many people. The university need money to buy books. It is not always true that we can find any documents we need on the internet. In many cases, great document just can be found on books, especially document of specific subjects. The library's bookstore needs to be updated regularly. New books are published continuously and some of them may be very expensive. Thus, universities should give university libraries more money to expand library bookstore.  
  
It is certainly that students spend more time in university libraries than for sports activities. University libraries has a lot of task to serve student well such as making a good learning space, buying new computer and installing high-speed internet connection and buying books. Inclusion, I strongly disagree with the argument that students' sport activities and university libraries should be given the same of money.
@cauchysang  
Hello there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. Let me try my best to help you in your essay.  
  
I think that your essay, from the get-go, is quite well-written. Although I do think that you have the necessary substantiation, the flow of the essay can be improved. In addition, you can also work on the structure that you have built for your content. What I would recommend is attempting to merge altogether thoughts that are quite similar. After accomplishing this, you'll be able to focus more on creating depth rather than stretching out your substantiation without a particular direction or focus in mind.  
  
Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use. I've noticed that there were portions that had to be revised simply because you were using the wrong forms. Once you have resolved this, you'll be able to create a more academically appropriate essay.  
  
Looking at your first paragraph, for instance. We can implement the following revisions:  
  
... of money ~~for their students' ... libraries~~ for libraries and fitness centers. I do not agree with ~~that point of view~~ this. ... libraries should ~~be~~ receive~~d~~ more money than ~~student's~~ sports ~~activities~~ because ~~most of~~ students ~~spend their~~ dedicate more time in libraries ~~for study than for sport activities~~. Hence, ~~university~~ libraries need money to ~~make more ... of books.~~ ensure comfort for students with new technology and an increase in the number of books.  
  
You can notice a similar observation in the second to the last paragraph of your essay.  
  
Consider these lines:  
  
New books ...  ~~and some ... expensive~~ , making them more expensive.  
  
Structure is very important in academic writing.  
  
Bear all of these comments in mind. Best of luck in your writing!
## foreign language STUDY - ISSUES, EXPERIENCES

  
  
Many people believe that learning a foreign language is a very difficult task. What are the most difficult things about learning a foreign language? What is the best way to overcome them? Explain and include your personal experience or knowledge of these problems.  
  
It is true that a large number of people find it hard to acquire a new language. Although the second language learners might face several difficulties, there are some useful methods to deal with them.  
  
One of the most frequent problems the language learners go through is comprehension. Despite of the good vocabulary knowledge, they struggle a lot to understand the native speakers. However, speaking the language which is completely different from your native one is probably much more challenging, because it involves both cognitive and motor skills. In other words, you have to think and act at the same time. That's why it takes non-native speakers great effort to become fluent in the foreign languages.  
  
Hopefully, there are some helpful ways of removing the obstacles to this learning process. First of all, it is necessary to expose yourself to the language you're studying as much as possible. Also, it is important to listen to or read the things you're really passionate about. Personally, I've improved my understanding of English by watching open lectures on Youtube and reading a lot of interesting articles and books in English. However, you may not get the same results in speaking with this method only. In order to express your thoughts effortlessly, you should practice speaking in the targeted language at least an hour a day. For example, my speaking ability has been enhanced, since I started talking to myself in English on a daily basis.  
  
In conclusion, learning a new language may seem tough for various reasons, such as difficulties in understanding and speaking , while using some strategies may help us through these problems.
@Seba0901, personally, I dont think so, just add more difficult things into the paragraph, dont make the essay too many paragraphs u know? But btw you're also right, the topic asks "most difficult things" and @solivagant only discuss one. I think @solivagant you write like : There are many problems in learning a new language, but personally, I think .... is the hardest to learn!  
  
Btw @solivagant, the way you study English just like mine LOL, talking to yourself :))). My parents usually think that I'm autistic :)) and reading interesting magazines? Of course, those are damn good in improving a lot of different aspects in English :V. Hopefully, when I taking the IELTS exam... they will give me this kind of topic because it's so easy LOL :)!
@solivagant  
Hi there!  
  
I love how well-balanced your essay is. I recommend that you keep this up in order to integrate more depth into your essay. Considering that you were able to integrate a lot of depth into your writing, I suggest trying to focus more the structure of your writing. I have noticed that you have a tendency to drag on your sentences, a common mistake for learners who have established themselves.  
  
For instance, let's take a look at your third paragraph and consider this revision:  
  
~~Hopefully, t~~ There are ... ~~of removing the~~ to tackle these learning obstacles ~~to this learning process~~. Firstly ~~of all~~, it is necessary ... language ~~you're studying~~ as much as possible~~. Also,~~; it is important to listenand read up on topics you are passionate about. ~~to or read ... about~~. Personally, I've improved my ~~understanding of~~ English ... reading ~~a lot of~~ interesting ...  
  
Notice how you do not lose the meaning of the content even when you omit the words "*a lot of*" because it's not particularly contributing to your essay regardless. Recognizing these small portions will help you in the long-run.  
  
Best of luck as always.
**Nowadays, many people spend less and less time at home. What are the causes of this? What are the effects of this on individuals and on society?**  
  
## lack of time to stay at home

  
  
In the modern world, the way of spending time of people has significantly changed than was in decades ago. People spend more time outside of home and this is because of several factors, I think.  
  
Nowadays, many people are getting busy than ever before. There are many reasons cause this situation, and one of them is advance in technology. Due to rapid development of technology, sometimes people are getting struggled with their jobs more than ever before in order to keep their steps with the latest technological advancement. For example, my sister who works at a commercial company as an accountant, has been forced to work for extra time in latest months because their company introduce new ERP system for their daily financial and business activity. Moreover, social media sites and other information resources allow people to engage in various communities, groups, and open the ways to involve in different activities. In result, people become interested in participate different kind of events and willing to spend time for them. Such factors makes people with lack of time to stay at home.  
  
On the other hand, the spending less time at home might lead to some negative effects both on individuals and society. Spending less time with their family makes the connection between family members less closely. Talking, caring and having time together helps people to build strong warm connection with family members. But spending most of their time outside of home makes people to have less time for their family. This situation may lead some negative effects in future especially for children. If the parents do not spend enough time for their children and do not give them enough care, children become to feel like they are rejected and it may lead to become with negative behavior in their future. If the people with negative behavior are increasing, it would definitely bring some negative impact in society.  
  
In conclusion, spending time outside of home is due to different reasons for people. Having less time at home might be some kind of fun or pleasure for some people,but it might be lead to unwanted negative outcome in future such as affecting children's behavior by negative way.
@byambasuren  
Hello there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. I'll do my best to provide a comprehensive feedback.  
  
First and foremost, I appreciate the way that you had examples in the fabrics of your essay. Doing this will help you make concrete the substantiation that you had throughout the essay. In the long-run, this will be better to create firmer arguments that'll strengthen your overall writing techniques.  
  
To improve your writing, I think that the focus should be based more on the structure and the forms that you were incorporating/using throughout the essay. If you can use more appropriate forms, you'll be able to concretely grasp an academic tone that's truly beneficial for you.  
  
Let's take a look at your essay - I would revise the initial portions as:  
  
... spending time ~~of people~~ has significantly changed ~~than was in decades ago~~ compared to a decade ago. ... outside ~~of home and ..., I think.~~ due to several factors.  
  
~~Nowadays, m~~ Many people are ~~getting~~ bus~~y~~ier than ~~ever~~ before. ~~There are ... in technology.~~ Due to rapid developments in ~~of~~ technology, ~~sometimes~~ people are ~~getting~~ struggl~~ed~~ing with their jobs ~~more than ... advancement.~~  due to technological adaptation.  
  
In terms of the content of your essay, I suggest trying to focus and give more of a concrete thesis to follow. It's quite unclear throughout - and until the end - what specifically you were trying to mention in your content. If you can clear this out from the beginning, you'll have more of a strategic approach to writing.  
  
Best of luck in your writing endeavors as always.