dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello free feel to edit! I will be happy to receive your help suggestions!  
  
The charts below demonstrate the energy consumption of an average Australia household and the proportion of the resulted greenhouse gas emissions.  
  
In the first chart, it is crystal clear that heating is the most energy-demanding appliance, which consumed about 42% energy. It is followed by water heating with 30%, which is two times as much as the resources consumed by other appliances. Appliances such as cooling, lighting and refrigerator, however, only take up a very limited amount of energy with 2%, 4%, 7% respectively.  
  
From the second chart, it is not difficult to find that water the greenhouse gas produced by water heating is more than any other appliances with the percentage of 32%. Heating and refrigerator send out almost the same amount of the greenhouse gas at around 15%. The effects of cooling and lighting on greenhouse gas emissions are smaller compared with other household appliances with the proportion of 3% and 8% respectively.  
  
Although heating consume the dominant part of energy, it has less impact on the emissions of greenhouse gas than that of other household appliances, whose energy consumption only constitutes one third of that of heating.  
  
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Your vocabulary is not at the professional level that the GRE exam requires. Your approach is too simple. Almost IELTS or TOEFL level rather than GRE. Your presentation is not graduate level. You need to be using more advanced English vocabulary in the presentation. Your analysis should also be of a greater level than what you have here. You come across more as a college level test taker than a graduate record exam taker. The keyword here being "graduate". If you want to get a higher score, your analytical abilities need to reflect a higher sense of logic and information consideration. Your discussion needs to be deeper. The consideration you have for the reasons should not make claims. that are also unfounded ( but this is false). Just as you question the claims of the manager, so can your claims be questioned. No matter of fact claims should be made unless there is evidence to back it up coming from the original source. Avoid the use of rhetorical questions in your essay. These questions have no place in an analytical piece that already provides you with all the information you need for the discussion. The questions you posed should instead be made in the form of a statement that refutes a claim made in the original.
Nowadays thanks to advanced technologies we get a lot of opportunities. The more choices we have to choose, the more challenges we need to overcome.  
  
It is obvious that the global internet helps us to easily connect to each other wherever you are. So you can make friends all around the world and share with international friends the culture and customs of your country.  
  
Besides you also have more ways to access enormous information. With basic skill and science knowledge you can get more opportunities to get a good job not only in your country but in the international environment.  
  
Furthermore, in normal life, you also have more choices to consider. For example, when you go to the supermarket, there is a diversity in the commodities. It is difficult for you to choose a commodity that is suitable for you.  
  
In conclusion, when everything is in development, you will have more choices. It is good for you to have not only one but more to make a comparison to get the best choice. On the other hand, you have to spend more time considering making decisions even if you can not choose anything for you.
## Quang noddle

  
  
Every time my family have a celebration, I always eat Quang noddle. It's is very tasty and I started wonder about how to make Quang noddle. But after helping my mother make Quang noddle, I really confident that I can make Quang noddle by my self. Firstly, We need to cut the rips and vegetables into bite-sized pieces. Secondly, we stew the rips with some vegetables to make Quang noddle's soup. When the rips is ready, we will add spices to taste. On the other hand, we need to prepare noddle by making it from flour or buying it at the market. After that, we garnish it with a little stallions. Quang noddle is amazing but really easy to make and doesn't need any special equipment.
You should be using the third person indicative for the word have, which is has. You should also avoid using a contraction such as "it's" in academic writing. Always use the full spelling of a contraction. Pay attention to your punctuation usage. There are clauses where you should have used a comma (... very tasty, and I...). There are also word choice errors (my self = myself). You should not capitalize the second word in a sentence unless it is a proper noun (Firstly, We = firstly we). Take note of singular v. plural word usage ( when the rips is ready = are ready). Word choice errors also exist (stallions = scallions). Word spelling should also be of particular importance to you (noddle = noodle) Sentence formation errors got past you in editing (I really confident - I AM really confident)
## prevention is better than cure

  
  
I extremely support the idea of investing in presentative measures instead of letting disease happen and then trying to cure.  
Researching and treating will definitely cost too much money. We have to spend a huge amount of money on finding therapy or treatment for the disease. Besides, we also pay for solving related issues which is inevitable such as : financial recession, rasing number of unemployments...... There are always potential issues that we can compute exactly, once it happened we have no choice but to face it which will cost lots of money. In any pandemic, time is not on our side ,if a person got sick , the number of cases and death toll will grow exponentially.  
  
Implementing preventative measures is more likely to success in fighting disease. The infection capability of disease is extremely hight,once it broke out, we will virtually fail to control the local epidemic , let alone global pandemic. It would be far easier when we focus on prevention. Everyone can contribute to drive back the disease by very simple action. For instance : practicing social distancing, wearing face mask, washing hands frequently others .  
  
In conclusion, people should comply with presentative rules to keep themselves from disease , sometimes overcaution is necessary.
I hope that you were not writing a task 2 essay with this presentation. That is because you only wrote 208 words, which will almost assure you of a non-passing score. There will be too large a percentage point deducted from your presentation based on the 250 minimum word requirement. You should be writing at least 250 words to avoid getting penalized based on word count. The presentation also has several spelling, grammar, conciseness, and vocabulary issues. All of these unchecked errors tells me that you wrote this essay in a rush, never considered the actual discussion requirements, and had no idea that you were required to write at least 250 words. This being your first essay presentation, I will cut you some slack. You need to come back here with another essay. Post the prompt, then your discussion. That way, I can clearly assess your work. Remember, you need at least 250 words for me to properly consider your writing talents.
So I've been writing my first draft of Study Plan point A and it's about Languages improvement. So I looking forward your feedback.  
  
Do you think it's strong enough?  
Is it relevant? Please help me.  
**Thank you.**  
  
Study plans to improve foreign languages(Korean, English, etc) required for taking a bachelor's degree course  
  
Since language is a way to be connected with people and the world, I realized the importance of English as international language and started to learn it since the second year of primary school. I learned and practiced my english through various books, novels and e-books that I bought. Started from mastering tenses and memorizing ten new vocabularies each day enough to built up my basic grammar. Other than that, I also used language apps in computer and mobile like Rosetta Stone, Duolingo and Lingodeer that did help me so much. In order to easily remember vocabularies that I had learned I usually wrote it down again in sentence on my notebook. To train my listening skills and pronunciation, I watched many YouTube videos, ton of series and movies, also listened to musics every single day. Because I didn't have any friends to practice my conversation skills, I used to speak to myself and It did work successfully in me. Also I looked for friends on Facebook so that I could practice my english.  
  
Korean, I've learned to read and write hangul since elementary school but not the language. I started to learn the language since I was in second year of secondary school with the same methods that I used to learn English. Started from textbooks and e-books that I searched on the internet, used language apps in computer and mobile, also watched so many korean dramas dan movies, it helped me to understand the basic sentences and grammar. I also learned the grammar pattern in YouTube videos, there are so many grammar pattern in Korean and the grammar is more difficult than English make me love it because it challenged me. Everyday I memorize five new vocabularies and how to conjugate it.  
  
Once I come to Korea, it will help me so much and easier for me to mastering the language as I love to learn foreign languages. I will focusing myself to prepare for TOPIK test by my textbooks, materials from schools and library. I will also practice my conversation and listening skills with other foreign students and Korean itself, join language club and school language program like language center. At this poit, I will not only practice my Korean but also my English as well. So as I will learn from novel and of course Korean dramas and movies will still help me a lot.
Do not exaggerate. As a second grader, you still not have a deep understanding of the importance of knowledge and how it can help your future. Do not set out to over impress the reviewer. You will fail and irritate him, which could lead to the disqualification of your essay. It would be better if you avoided age references instead. You have a contradiction in your presentation. If you learned to read and write in Hangul, then you learned the language. You cannot claim to not have learned the language if you studied and learned how to write in Korean characters. You can automatically read their writing so you should be proficient in Hangul instead. You know the language. If that is not a truthful claim, then remove it. Again, stop lying ( if you are lying) because the reviewer is trained to spot exaggeration and lies in the student applications. You constant contradicting presentations will make him believe you are exaggerating the truth.
## The worldwide market share of the mobile phone market

  
  
The table compares the leading mobile phone producers in terms of their international market share between 2005 and 2006.  
  
Overall, Nokia is the leading manufacturer with the highest percentage of market share in the years 2005 and 2006. While the proportion of market share of Nokia, Motorola, Sony Ericsson increased over the period, that of the remaining companies fell.  
  
Nokia had the largest percentage of market share in both years, which increased from 32.5% in 2005 to 35% in 2006. Its nearest competitor, the figures for Motorola saw a significant rise from 17.7% to 21.1% during the period. Sony Ericsson also increased its sales by 1.1% from 6.3% in 2005 to 7.4% in 2006.  
  
By contrast, the global market share of BenQ Mobile was the lowest, 4,9% in 2005 and 2.4% in 2006. Samsung sales also declined, from 12.7% to 11.8% throughout the period. The market share of LG fell to 6.3%, the decline of just 0.1% from the previous year. Finally, the percentage of market share of others mobile phone manufacturers decreased by 3%, from 19.2% in 2005 to 16.2% in 2006.  
  
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Your summary overview still feels too similar to the original presentation. Next time, try flipping the information around to make it seem less like a cut and paste job. Say the years first, the topic, and then to image type. Sometimes, flipping the sentence content even helps your TA score because you totally change the presentation from the original. Overall, you did not do a bad job with your comparison presentation. Your clarity is evident and your analytical considerations are front and center in your presentation. However, you forgot to indicate that the figures you will be presenting comprises 100 % of the market share as per table indicators.
## phone calls should be prohibited in public areas

  
  
**Some people believe that having a conversation on a mobile phone in a public or crowded place should be banned. Others feel that we should be able to talk wherever we like. Discuss both views and give your opinion**.  
  
In the modern age, thanks to technology development, people can have a conversation on a phone whenever they want. Although the argument that we should be allowed to talk every time is acceptable, I absolutely agree that to prohibit phone calls in jam-packed places is necessary.  
  
On the one hand, there is one main reason accounting for talking on a phone whenever we like. First of all, we cannot avoid receiving calls in emergency circumstances. Since mobile phones are now one of the most essential tools to keep in contact among people, in some emergency situations the fastest and most convenient way to announce people seems to be calling by mobile phones. If people are forced to ignore that call, it may seriously affect many aspects of their life, depending on who called them and what situations.  
  
On the other hand, I completely believe that banning having a conversation in public can be advantageous. First and foremost, if phone calls in public are banned, crime rate regarding stealing phones may significantly decrease. Clearly, there is a likelihood that a phone can be robbed easily in a crowded place and due to the huge number of people, it will be challenging and even impossible to recognize as well as catch the thief immediately, so keeping phones in bags seems to avoid them being stolen. Additionally, to prohibit conversations on phones can help people enjoy the vibrant atmosphere of this crowded place. Since there are no longer any phone calls interrupting their attention, they would stay more focused as well as immerse themselves in this joy, which seems to be worthier than phone calls.  
  
In summary, regardless of the reason for having a conversation whenever we like, I totally think that phone calls should be prohibited in the near future.  
  
Thank you very much for reading. I am willing to receive your feedback. Thank you again
This is a public opinion discussion first, a personal opinion presentation last. That means, you have taken the wrong approach to the discussion presentation. The appropriate format for this essay is as follows:  
  
- Give a discussion topic based on the public opinion  
- Explain the public opinion  
- Express your support or opposition for the general point of view  
- Give an example to support your position  
- Add a final note to your personal opinion  
  
This test seeks to identify your grammar range when writing. That means, you are to use gender free pronouns for the public opinion, then use a variation of first person pronouns for your personal opinion presentation. In this essay, you mostly used the first person personal opinion presentation. Which means you are unintentionally lowering your GRA score. If you follow the format I am suggesting above, you should be able to get a better GRA and C&C score. The C&C scoring will come from the clarity of your presentation and connection of your discussion from the public to the personal point of view within a single paragraph.
This is the first time I work with combined charts and I found it hard to arrange ideas. Please correct and advise me on that. Thank you a lot!  
  
## household income and spending on food and clothes

  
  
The given table describes the total earnings of a median family and the amount of money they paid for food and clothes in 2010 and 2013. The pie chart illustrates more specific proportion data of the later expenditure divided into five different categories. Generally, despite a fall in total family income, there was a salient increase in fruits and vegetables' spendings in the researched period.  
  
As can be seen, the total money gained by a mediocre UK household in 2013 was 4,000 euros less when compared to 29,000 euros in 2010. In spite of that fact, people had the tendency to pay more for foodstuffs and attires in 2013 than in 2010, with 15,000 euros and 14,000 euros, respectively.  
  
Regarding the circle chart, there was a decline in the proportion of clothes budget from 22% in 2010 to 12% in 2013. The percentage spent on meat and fish also dropped by 10% from 25% in 2010. In contrast, dairy products witnessed a growth in its rate from 15% to 20% in the same period. However, the most significant rise was 15% in the fruits and vegetables segment as it reached 35% in 2013 while there was no change in the figure of other food and drinks.  
  
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Kindly watch out for your word usage. Mediocre means; of only moderate or or ordinary quality. I believe you meant to use the word median which refers to: the middle number in a given sequence of numbers or, a midpoint. Incorrect word usage shall have a direct effect on your LR score. Now, when referring to the images, always indicate how many images you see. In this case, I would have indicated, within the summary:  
  
*A table has been provided indicating the following information in reference to total income spent in relation to... Additionally, 2 pie charts have been provided as well. The first chart refers to... while the second chart... The trend in the table indicates, while the pie charts indicate (1) and (2) respectively.*  
  
That way, when you get to the discussion, you use the second paragraph to completely discuss the chart and the third paragraph to compare and contrast the digits in the 2 pie charts. There is a lack of clarity when it comes to the 2 pie chart discussions. You have to reference each chart in relation to one another whenever possible or indicate the source chart for clarity purposes.
**Please help me to improve my essay. I did realize it is longer than it supposed to be, but I am not sure which information should be redundant.**  
  
## amount of electricity produced from different energy sources

  
  
The given line chart compares how much electricity was generated from three sources to provide New York in two decades from 1980. While the quantity of petroleum and natural gas experienced upward trends, the remaining went down slightly. Also, petroleum always contributed the most energy while natural gas overtook coal to become the second common source of supply.  
  
Commencing by 350 million kW hours in 1980, the petroleum figure rapidly increased to 600 million kW hours just 5 years later, before bound back to its beginning level in 1990. This figure then rose roughly two-fold to reach its peak at 720 million kW hours at the end of the observed period.  
  
In 1980, there were around 210 million kW hours of electricity using the coal supply, compared with 100 million kW hours produced by natural gas. Afterwards, the amount of natural gas remained lower than the other for ten years before surpassed coal figure in 1990. During the next decade, the former underwent a remarkable growth of 300 million kW hours to top out at 500 million kW hours in 2000. Meanwhiles, coal generated a relatively stable amount of nearly 200 million kW hours in the period, making it end up at the lowest rank among the researched sources.  
  
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I would like to show you some problems in your essay.  
The first things is about the structure. What can improve your score is that you have clear paragraphs with meaning and analyzes. I suggest you should separate an own paragraph for an overview about general trends of lines, do not mention any detail. It should be put between the first sentence about rewrite the require in another way and the first body paragraph about detailed information.  
  
The second thing is that you should balance 2 body paragraphs. Now, I see that you just wrote a too short one and a long one. The former seems to include run-on sentences that you can divide them into proper sentences.  
  
Hope that you can improve your essay by my comments!
To properly write this report and stay within the recommended word count, you need to learn to group the information into 3 parts:  
- Summary overview + trending statement  
- Data report 1 (most obvious information)  
- Data report 2 (Overlapping information or additional information not relevant to the first presentation)  
  
In the summary report, make sure you indicate all of the required information. In this presentation, you almost did that correctly. You failed to present the overview information for coal in the paragraph. Your trending presentation focused only on 2 of the 3 energy sources. You should just vary the information based on what the focus of the second paragraph would be. For example, a simple trending statement could have said :  
  
*Natural gas and petroleum were constantly upward in terms of producing electricity while coal eventually entered into a stagnant production phase.*  
  
The trend of all 3 production lines were clearly presented within the summary, without confusing the reader regarding the factual data at that point. You do not need to mention several trends in one paragraph, just one. You are not going to be scored on the number of trends that you found in the essay. Just the clarity of one trending sentence.
## statistic of leisure time spent

  
  
The chart below shows the average hours spent per day in leisure and sports activities, by youngest and oldest populations, in the US, in 2015.  
  
The chart makes comparison on how many hours the youngest and the oldest in the US spent in leisure and sports activities per day in the year of 2015. Overall, It can be seen that watching TV was an activity both groups of ages spent in the most, and the group of ages 75 or over dominated in Watching TV, Reading and Relaxing, Thinking.  
  
In terms of Watching TV, the oldest population spent average 4.5 hours per day, which almost doubled the hours the youngest spent. 0.2 hours and 0.1 hours was the time the group of ages 15 - 19 spent in Reading and Relaxing, Thinking respectively, which is as a fifth and a third as the hours the oldest spent in the same activities. The number of hours the oldest population joined in Socializing, communicating was 0.7, which was 0.1 hours lower than that of the youngest one. The 15 - 19 aged group spent 1.1 hours in Playing games while the oldest just spent a half of that time in this activity. The youngest ones also were more active when spent 0.6 hours in Sport, Exercise activities compared to just 0.2 hours the oldest spent in.  
  
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Your incorrect format is what affected this presentation negatively. You should have used a proper 3 paragraph format covering:  
Par. 1: Summary overview + trending statement  
Par. 2: Ages 15-19  
Par. 3: Ages 75 and over  
  
By allotting a specific paragraph for the elder age group, you would have been able to present a clearer analysis of the information from that particular bracket of the bar graph. The image provided is a bar chart, not a simple chart. Always identify the type of chart (line, pie, bar, etc.) Please take note that your last paragraph represents the information in a confusing manner because you jump around from the young to the old information throughout the discussion. This is why you have to allot a specific paragraph per chart representation. By grouping the information into proper presentation paragraphs you will manage to present a clear and easily understood data report.