dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Son, this is a direct response essay. As such, your reasons or discussion outline should be presented at the end of the paragraph paraphrase as the thesis statement / discussion points. This allows the reader to understand what the flow of discussion will be and what topics for discussion will be presented. Unfortunately, your sentences and paragraphs are so badly developed that the reader is unable to immediately understand what you are trying to say.  
  
For instance, your opening paragraph is highly confusing:  
  
there is a popular claim that many people currently decide to give birth to the children when they are young, until they get older instead.  
- The thing is that the discussion is about people are deciding to have children later in life. This particular presentation has conflicting statements. There is no reference to people wanting to have children when they are younger. The reference is when they are older in life. You cannot use the phrase "decide to give birth to children when they are young, until they get older." The proper presentation should indicate only " when they get older".  
  
Your full discussion is, like I said, confusing and irrelevant to the discussion. When the TA considerations are considered, the essay will not get a score higher than a 4. Add to that the also low scores for C&C, LR, and GRA, and you will have a non-passing score for this essay presentation. Before you can write a good essay in English, you first have to understand what the topic is about and how you are being asked to discuss it. At this point, it is clear that you cannot do either.  
  
Here is a suggestion, for your next practice test, don't write an essay in response to it immediately. Read the samples from other students first. Learn about how they wrote it, what mistakes they made and how to avoid it. Then go and read your prompt again and approach the writing from the point of view of someone who is clear about what he has to write about. That is how you can best learn how to improve your Task 2 writing skills.
GCE O-Level Past Examination Question. Instructions were to write 350 - 500 words on the chosen topic. Thank you for reading!!  
  
***WHAT DO YOU THINK SECONDARY SCHOOLS CAN DO TO ENSURE THE HEALTH, WELL-BEING AND SAFETY OF THEIR STUDENTS?***  
  
## "Good health and good sense are two of life's greatest blessings"

  
Health, well-being and safety is the most important aspects of one's life. In Singapore, students suffer from health problems due to stress from our demanding education system. This is why the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Education are working closely to ensure that students are kept from developing mental and physical problems that will affect their health and education. I believe that secondary schools can ensure health, well-being and the safety of students by promoting health campaigns, making sure that students eat healthily, and making sure that they have a balanced lifestyle.  
  
Firstly, by promoting health campaigns, students will be educated on how to prevent themselves from falling ill. Through these health campaigns, students will learn the signs that will tell them if they are falling ill or if they are overworking themselves. Amongst Singaporean youths, is it very common to have headaches and migraines due to the stress of trying to keep up with their demanding syllabus from their schools. However, just because it is common, does not mean it is ok. Headaches and migraines are the first base to falling ill. That is why we have to prevent it to ensure that students are kept from falling ill. Thus, promoting health campaigns will ensure that students are equipped with the skills and knowledge to prevent them from falling ill.  
  
Secondly, by ensuring that students are eating healthily, they will be encouraged to start a healthy diet. Maintaining a healthy diet is the first step to ensuring that a student's well-being is well taken care of. Schools can do this by ensuring that at least one day a week, students are given fruit everytime they buy a meal during recess. By doing this, student's will be getting a healthy fruit in their diet. This will benefit their health greatly. Thus, by ensuring that students maintain a healthy diet, students will be prevented from developing health issues.  
  
Thirdly, by making sure that students lead a balanced lifestyle, they will be able to lead a happier and healthier life. Due to long school hours, and the countless amount of homework given by teachers, students are not able to balance out their lifestyle. Because of this, the obesity rate of Singaporean youth is on the rise. Thus, schools can step in to ensure that students have more exercise per week. By conducting mass exercises every morning and after-school activities related to exercise, students will be able to lead a more healthier lifestyle.  
  
In conclusion, by promoting health campaigns, making sure that students eat healthily, and making sure that they have a balanced lifestyle, we are able to create a conducive environment for students to achieve their best learning capabilities.
HI Amadeus. It's nice to have you back here. I enjoy reading your written work. You have the potential to be a smooth English language writer if you continue to progress with your writing skills. You could probably achieve native speaker status if you really work at it. In order to achieve that status though, you need to address certain writing problems that you currently have.  
  
One of these problems would be how you need to learn when to use "is" and when to use "are". It is a matter of knowing that "is" connotes a singular form while "are" indicates plural form. So when you say "Health, well-being, and safety..." the correct numeral connotation to use here is "are" because you are presenting the present indicative plural of a series of connected words.  
  
Now, you are being asked what the secondary schools can do to promote the health, well-being, and safety of the students. This implies that an actual plan needs to come from you as the writer as to how to solve the issue. You can't just keep mentioning the problems and suggesting that the school or school authorities take action without saying what action you suggest that they take. You can do that because the question asks "What do you think..." So a call to action is involved in your response per topic.  
  
Try to avoid redundancies in your presentation. The third paragraph is saying the same thing over and over again. Just indicate the topic sentence once then move on to the justification and suggested solution. 3 sentences should do it but since you have a 500 word maximum, go ahead and explain away. Just avoid constant repetition in the paragraph.  
  
Your statement about the balanced lifestyle is the best written paragraph in this essay. It shows a topic sentence, justifications, and suggested solutions to the problem. Perfect.
**Topic: Somes believe that individuals who have graduated from university deserve a higher salary than those who have not. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
## better education should mean higher wages

  
  
People have different views with regard to the opportunities earning better salaries between those who have a university certificate and who have not. while I argue that the bachelor certification would be more interested in high-level positions, I believe that the worker who did not attend any universities may deserve more income.  
  
There are various reasons why those who have graduated from the university may have the golden chances to find better salaries. Firstly, freshmen graduated from the university may certainly have a strong background. From a personal perspective, I believe that the many hours of sacrifice required to achieve a university degree shows that individuals have the abilities to maintain a focus for the duration of their studies. Secondly, the university may offer subjects that will be useful in the future careers. the students, for example, who major in electronic engineering would be taught in details about basic as well as expert subjects such as Integrated Circuit and Electromagnetics Engineering by the experts that the worker who did not attend university never have.  
  
In spite of these arguments, I believe that individuals are successful in completing a course of study at university does not necessarily mean they will be good at employees. In my opinion, it may be that employers begin to value the creative thinking skills above practice or technical skills. Furthermore, there are a lot of tasks in the university differencing from the tasks in the workplace. timing schedule and environment, for example, in the university are less strict and stressful than in the office.  
  
In conclusion, although the views of the workers who have a university degree should earn more money than who have not, we should not dismiss all those who did not attend university but superb at their job as irrelevant
Ho, your prompt paraphrase is totally off the mark. You are not responding to the question being asked at the end of the original discussion presentation. Instead, you created your own prompt to respond to, which will result in an extremely low TA score for yourself. Here is where the problem in your opening paraphrase lies:  
  
Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  
Response: while I argue that the bachelor certification would be more interested in high-level positions, I believe that the worker who did not attend any universities may deserve more income.  
  
You are being asked for a measured agreement or disagreement with the given statement. I cannot figure out why you decided to respond instead that those who did not attend university deserve a higher salary. The correct paraphrase is as follows:  
  
*There are people who believe that workers who completed a university degree should receive more impressive wages. Others, think that those who do not have a college degree should be paid more. I partially agree with the given statement.*  
  
While your succeeding discussion statements fall into line with the original instructions, The problem, is that your TA score has been compromised due to the wrong paraphrase, response to the task, and summary conclusion. So you have 3 mistakes in this task that will result in a lower overall scoring consideration for your essay. This could lead to a failing score due to the additional problems your writing has in reference to the remaining scoring brackets.
Topic:  
  
*Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
My answer:  
  
## sharing knowledge freely

  
  
Offering scientific, business or academic information publicly has been a controversial issue. Some people argue that the more information are shared, the more benefit we could get, while other people insist that given information without limitation might cause significant problems. I will deal with both contrasting opinions and after that, my own opinions.  
  
Spreading valuable information would bring many positive results from various respects. One of them is that we could improve knowledge more deeply than before it is opened to public. For example, if we did not share information, it would be difficult for many people to notice the existence of the finding and result in missing the opportunity to start new discussion about the data. The second positive result is that publicly opened information has educational value. Nowadays students who are are future professional researchers can easily search many high quality researches online and some of them make the use of them to deepen their knowledge, which might lead to develop the related field.  
  
However there are other opinions that some information should not be shared to the public because of possible danger. The first reason of the opinions is that the dangerous information could be used in the unexpected way, even though the initial purpose was not for hurting anything. In fact, there have been many incidents of bombs made by some normal people who accessed to the information about how to produce a bomb. The second reason is the problem of copyright. Tremendous prior efforts and resources are required for some findings and the researchers naturally have copyright of the finding. However, if we compel them to open their own research to the public, it harms their right to protect their own research.  
  
To sum up, sharing knowledge can be beneficial from the respect of improving findings and activating further researches while it has some possible drawbacks such as making the use of information for crimes or intervening the concept of copyright. In my opinion, despite the disadvantages of offering free information, opened information would result in huge development of our society. Therefore I agree with sharing as much information as possible.
Lipo, your opening paraphrase is inaccurate because it does not use the proper synonyms to represent the original discussion. In fact, you present totally different reasons than the original prompt which could lead to a TA score that reflects your misunderstanding of the original prompt. The proper paraphrase is as follows:  
  
*There is a discussion as to whether it is good or not to openly share information coming from the fields of science, commerce, and education. Those who believe that these information should not be open to public access say that these are far too valuable and critical to be shared with others. In this essay I will offer a public discussion of both points of view prior to my opinion about the topic.*  
  
Now, you presented both points of view in the first two paragraphs but you did not make it clear that you are discussing public information in that instance. This made it appear that you are already discussing a personal point of view in the paragraph. Use ownership words such as "The first public opinion" or "Those who believe that,,," in order to show that you are discussing the first or second point of view and not your personal opinion.  
  
In the third paragraph, own the paragraph from the start by saying "In my opinion" or "I support the idea that... because..." This makes it extremely clear that you are presenting a personal opinion in the paragraph.  
  
The summary conclusion should be just that. A summary of the previously discussed information. It should not continue the discussion with new information otherwise you are not concluding the essay. You instead have an open ended essay which does not follow the proper format for a Task 2 essay.  
  
By the way, for C&C and GRA considerations, don't present more than 1 topic per paragraph so that you can clearly discuss the given topic for that paragraph. Since you have a tendency to count your discussion reasons, you should do it in this format instead:  
  
*First of all,...  
  
Secondly...  
  
Personally...*  
  
In this type of essay you should use only 3 paragraphs with one topic each so you could use the following format:  
  
*Those who wish to share information....  
  
While those who would rather be secretive...  
  
What I can say is this...*  
  
Remember that you are also being scored on presentation. The shorter but clearer your explanations, the better for your overall score.
*Ielts writing task 2.  
The media should limit how much bad news they report because it discourages people from doing activities which usually involve very little risk.*  
  
## TV content and people's risky activities

  
  
In a technological breakthrough, with the aim of fulfilling the demands of entertainment and accessing the information, the media has been established for a long time, which is taken for granted. Some people conjecture whether the media should constain the number of terrible news since people would avoid doing risky activities or not. I am in broaf agreement with this opinion and in this essay, there are some reasons to illustrate.  
  
Firstly, bad news which are published on any sorts of media are eligible to create unnecessary worry on human's minds. For example, in a run-down neighborhood, a reporter who writes about crimes affirmed that there had been a spate of attacks or thefts in their area recently and the thefts were arrested. People who access this information might be pessimistic and afraid of visiting this town. Hence, a tons of bad news on the media overwhelm people's thoughts and it is difficult to control the news they approach. Limiting how much bad news is the weapon against unnecessary worry happening.  
  
Moreover, bad news also have big impact on young people, especially children who easily vulnerable and do not have enough patience to tolerate. Take social networking websites as an example, teenagers tend to use mobile phones to gain information and they definitely read or watch bad news from that and share it to other people. Some bad things such as violence, attacks and crimes are taken priority to approach, which are innocuous and have bad influence on people's thoughts. In some cases, they enable children emerge negative awareness about this beautiful life and assure that surviving in this world is as uncomplicated as they used to imagine. Therefore, the best way to improve their positive thoughts about life is to restrict bad news on the media.  
  
In conclusion, bad news have a large effect on human's lives even though they are not totally bad, reporters, journalists as well as bloggers should limit moderately to make sure people have more positive look about lives.
Phhuong, you are too focused on showing off your English vocabulary, without considering whether or not it makes sense to use it in sentences. Your second paragraph in particular makes no sense at all. All I could read were a series of non connected English words which, individually, make sense, but altogether just create confusion and stress for the reader. This is definitely not a good observation because this will result in a failing LR and GRA score for you. Added to the rest of the grammar problems of the essay and you will not get a passing score using this essay presentation.  
  
You are also either not familiar with some English words or you were careless and did not bother to edit the paper prior to submitting. There is no such word in the English language as "broaf". Considering the improper paraphrase and the mistake in your question response and you can understand why the essay does not stand a chance at this point.  
  
Since this is your first post at this forum, I will not score this essay. I want you to write another essay. This time be more focused, don't try to show off your non-existent English vocabulary of advanced words. Keep your sentences simple. Be clear with what you want to say. I will review that essay and hopefully, we will be able to find a writing improvement starting point with that. As of now, this is a very bad essay that will not pass in an actual test setting.
## safety on roads

  
  
Nowadays, in many countries the traffic accidents is still increasing day by day. much stricter punishments on traffic driving offenses are being promulgated by the governments which will decrease the road accidents. In addition, the driving offenses can lose somebody's live who should be imprisoned to deter everyone from breaking the rules. And that offender will become disciplined when they will be released. However, in my opinion, severe punishments for improving the road safety will not solve the issue thoroughly, but some solutions are also able to overcome effectively the road accidents. Firstly, infrastructure should be upgraded that build more lights in crossroads or folks, broaden roads for more lanes. Especially building lanes for cyclist is one of solutions which help to decrease the vehicles. Secondly, in many cities people use a lot of the private vehicles. Therefore, the government should impose heavy tax when people buy and use the vehicles. Then, private car taxes are high, people will choose the public transports in daily life. But the government should sanitize on public transports, specially busses. Finally, the government should try some new ways to reduce road accidents instead of imposing taxes.
@khoipham305 I have a feeling that you are writing this essay as part of a Task 2 response because you indicate an opinion in your discussion. However, without the full prompt statement, I cannot be sure about how to guide you in the proper writing of this text. What I can tell you is this though, without a full 250 word essay (you wrote only 193 words) you will not get full scoring considerations for the score brackets. You cannot pass the test if you write less than the required amount of words.  
  
Now, if this is for a Task 2 test then this essay has already failed based on the previous reasons mentioned. You need to learn how to properly format the essay into a 4-5 paragraph presentation of 3-5 sentences each. Follow these guidelines in writing the Task 2 essay first then we can more appropriately deal with the mistakes you made, grammar, punctuation, and other considerations included. Right now, you need to get the basics done right first.
## INCREASING BUSINESS AND CULTURAL CONTACT BETWEEN COUNTRIES

  
  
*TOPIC: Some people say that the increasing business and cultural contact between countries is a positive development, while others think that many countries will lose their national identities as a result. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.*  
  
Due to the development of the growing economy recently, the business and cultural contact grows more and more widely between countries, which has consequently raised doubts on what pros and cons it can possibly take  
  
It is clear that the interaction with foreign countries will bring out many favorable features for us. For example, we especially get fresh feelings hearing or watching oversea films and songs at the same time enrich our knowledge with a newly different tradition, lifestyles, culture, languages. Moreover, we make use of the intercourse between countries to trade our goods internationally, such as highly-technical subjects, nutrient food, ultramodern clothing and so on. In my viewpoint, the touch of the inter culture helps us a lot in our way to complete ourselves, concretely to become more confident, flexible, open-minded and headstrong.  
  
But is it a perfect idea to be always learning and following other nations ? Actually, besides the upside, business and cultural contact between countries literally has its own drawback. It is often argued that many countries will lose their national identities, which are special marks of each country. However, whether it would be a positive or negative effect all depends on our choice of things to learn. For instance, we study other cultures but we set a certain limit on it so as not to forget our own one  
  
Still in all, I would prefer to make business and cultural contact between countries but the point is we ought to balance off wisely which is ours and which is not to obtain the best results  
  
P/s: I've just started to write English essay so that must be a worst essay you've ever seen but I'm literally looking forward to receiving your advice. Thank a lot