dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**IELTS Writing Task 2: What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions?**  
  
Water supply is a critical need in human life. However, in several countries water scarcity becomes a problem that should be solved. In consequence, this essay will discuss causes and solutions for the water crisis.  
  
Firstly, the main reason why water becomes scarce is the excessive consumption of people. Many people usually consume water undue and out of control. For instance, theme park which provides recreational activities use thousands cubic of water and dispose it into the rivers. Overuse of water without any care about the effects on the environment can reduce the amount of clean water. The solution to tackle this problem is giving education about how to use water wisely and making the water recycler. Producing the technology of recycling water can revolve the water consumption so that we can always use clean water without any scarce  
  
Secondly, bad habits of many factories which throw their waste into the water, and cause water pollution makes people have difficulties to find the clean water. For example, factory's waste water consists of mercury and nitrates. They drain the waste through pipes into rivers, canals and led to the ocean. As we realise, it will affect the supply of clean water to household. The solution that can be given is building the proper waste management system so that the factories can provide the positive impact to human life. In addition, making wastewater treatment or water purification can increase the capacity of clean water.  
  
All in all, two factors can cause water scarcities are overuse water and water pollution. We can conclude that recycling water technologies and operate wastewater treatment are the problem solving of the water scarcity.
Anisa, your opening statement can use some clarity. The word choice in the paragraph makes the meaning of your restated prompt confusing. You see the term "consequence" connotes something bad that results from an action or series of actions. In this instance, you are not talking about consequences. You are talking about possible solutions to the water shortage problem. So you should have simply said something like, "The problem could be resolved by implementing the following solutions." or something to that effect. Overall though, your essay shows a clear line of thought, the discussion is valid and acceptable, and the proposed solutions are common known and already implemented in some countries. Therefore, this essay will be considered a passing essay. It will pass even though the grammar is not that good and your sentences do not contain very complex words because your explanation can easily be understood by the reader and you did not cause undue stress on the comprehension of the reader in terms of reading your essay.
Certain people believe that to become the happiest person, you should have an occupation your love doing while the others argue that additional aspects are more crucial. Whereas, a person can be happy if they have a job which their love, I keen on to agree with the statement that there are several issues that encourage a person to become happy.  
  
On the one hand, loving their own occupation can makes employees more enjoy and raise their work spirit and ethic of work. Moreover, when they enjoy with the tasks on their job, automatically the work atmosphere will makes them comfortable and finish every tasks with ease. As a result, it leads to increase of their outcome for their company and personal satisfaction. For illustrate, my personal experience when I was worked with my lecture. I love to do an engineering project and I worked as a ship designer because that is my passion. When I got several tasks to draw several parts of system, I can finish my job earlier than the deadline because that is my enthusiasm.  
  
However, salary, career advancement and work hour are the others aspects which can make people happy in their job although they do not love what they do. Their priority is to get their purpose as a result from their effort such to improve their position in the company with a short time. For instance, a woman as a mother with 5 sons and daughters, prefer to choose teacher as their occupation rather than a career woman because teacher has flexible time and condition to teach their students and she still can nurture her children at the same time.  
  
Taking everything into consideration, there are several factors can make a person happy with their occupation although they do not love what their do. Personally, all of those aspects are the essential factors we can consider about that, so we can get the best resolution for our job in the future.
Hi  
you should have an occupation that you enjoy doing (I think this is a better choice)  
which ~~their~~they love  
employees (feel) more enjoyable (maybe more energetic is a better choice) and  
when they enjoy ~~with~~ the tasks on their job  
work atmosphere will make~~s~~ them  
~~For~~To illustrate,  
work hour are ~~the~~ other~~s~~ aspects  
from their effort ~~such~~ to improve their position  
because working as a teacher has flexible
HELLO DIOOOO  
  
... have an occupation ~~your~~ THAT YOU LOVE ~~doing~~ TO DO while the others ...  
1. YOUR IS USED FOR OWNED (KEPEMILIKAN), IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE  
  
2. TO DO : MORE APPROPRIATE  
  
Whereas, a person can be happy if they have a job which ~~their~~ they love  
3. YOU SAID A PERSON (SINGULAR), BUT WHY USE "THEY" (PLURAL) as your PRONOUN  
  
4. THEIR + NOUN (REFER TO OWNERSHIP)
HELLO, HERE ARE MY SUGGESTIONS FOR YOU...  
  
... have an occupation your love doing (you love to do) while the others ...  
Whereas, a person can be happy if they (**you mention the same subject, but it is not similar [People>>they, a person>> he/she])** have a job (...), I keen on ~~to~~ agree  
  
... own occupation can make~~s~~ (**modals+v1)** employees more enjoy ...  
... the work atmosphere will make~~s~~ them comfortable and finish every tasks ~~with ease~~ (**easy**).  
... experience when I ~~was~~ worked with my lecture.  
... a ship designer because that ~~is~~ (WAS ) my passion.  
... parts of system, I ~~can~~ (**COULD**) finish my job (...) because that ~~is~~ (**WAS**) my enthusiasm. (YOU TOLD US YOUR EXPERIENCE, SO YOU HAVE TO USE PAST TENSE )  
  
... hour are the other~~s~~ aspects which can (...) their job although (comma here ) they do not ...  
Their priority ~~is~~ (ARE ) to get their purpose as ...  
  
Taking everything into consideration, there are several factors can make a person happy with their occupation although they do not love what their do. (**it is better, if you paraphrase the sentences**)  
  
GLUCK ^^~
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
Introduction:  
(1) you should have an occupation that you~~r~~ love doing...  
(2) while ~~the~~ others argue that ...  
(3) Whereas, a person can be happy if they have a job which their love*(repetitive sentence)*,  
Whereas I keen on to agree with the first notion that there are several issues to encourage a person ...  
  
Body 1:  
(4) On the one hand --> *(You should only use this sentence if you have stated contradiction before*  
(5) ... can makes employees more enjoy and raise their work spirit and ethic of work .  
*(Remember about parallel structure)*  
(6) *I reccomend you to give a brief summary in last body paragraph 1 to emphasize your opinion*  
  
Body 2:  
(7) ... and work hour are the other~~s~~ aspects...  
(8) ... she ~~still~~ can still nurture her children ...
Hello dioba, because it's a lot of comment here, i will give only suggestion in your conclusion:  
  
..., there are several factors THAT can make a person (...) do not love what ~~their~~THEY do.  
... are the essential factors, SO / AND we can consider about that, ~~so we~~EVEN can get the best ...  
1. THAT -----> CONNECTOR  
  
2. THEIR is used for OWNERSHIP, do ---> verb, so change into THEY DO  
  
3. ALL OF THE ASPECTS (SUBJECT) + ARE (BE that act as VERB) + THE ESSENTIAL FACTORS (OBJECT) ----> you must add connector SO / AND here  
  
4. EVEN ---> TO AVOID REPETITION, BECAUSE IT IS ALREADY USED BEFORE. \  
  
Overall you must still study about grammar. Good Luck
A comparison about electrical source in Germany and New Zealand in 1980 and 2010 is represented by using pie charts and measured by units. Overall, Germany made coal as their raw material in both years, while New Zealand used coal as many as natural gas in 1980, however in 2010 Nuclear placed as the primary resources for producing spark. In addition, both had an upward trend in the total of units' use.  
  
It is clear that in that two years, most of electrical sources in New Zealand used Coal, and in 2010, it was almost tripled at 56 in 1980. Furthermore, there was a tremendous downward in natural gas in the second year that become fifteen times smaller than in 1980 at 2. Another decreasing change was depicted by petroleum into about one-fifth from the previous year. However, it can be seen that a moderate positive change was shown by hydro from 30 to 46.  
  
While New Zealand had no Nuclear sources, Germany had it. Moreover, it became the largest increasing value in that country, about 7 times larger than before at 20. While inartificial gas and coal hit the top of electrical sources in 1980, Nuclear In 2010 became the most enormous among all. In contrast, both years used water as the fewest resource for generating electric that stood at 7 and went down into 2 after twenty years. While coal had the similar amount at 28 in that two years, a slight increase was represented by fuel from 22 to 27.  
  
*
Faiz, I think that your paragraphing was fine. I do really like the way you create those paragraphs and describe the information clearly there. You need to remember that CLARITY is the most important aspect that you should improve in your writing. Yet, it is unfortunate that some cohesive devices were inaccurate. Placing "however" in the middle of a sentence is inappropriate for an academic writing. If you want to put "however" in that place, semicolon is the most appropriate punctuation rather than comma.  
  
Additionally, I think that you need to differentiate between a sentence that contains an overview and a sentence that is not. To illustrate, an overview should be addressed by putting a phrase that indicates a particular sentence is an overview sentence of your essay. The phrase like "Overall, it can be seen that, it is clear that" that you have written was inappropriate. Try to use one of them ONLY in a single sentence. Unfortunately, you wrote them in three sentences. I suggest you need to remember that "no clear overview" is one of the criteria of band 5 for task achievement.  
  
Hope this helps :)
**The pie charts below show electricity generation by source in New Zealand and Germany in 1980 and 2010.**  
  
A breakdown of the information about five different sources that can produce electricity in New Zealand and Germany is depicted in pie charts. It is measured in unit, in 1980 and 2010. Overall, the most obvious facts are that Coal was the most popular source in New Zealand while Nuclear, Natural Gas, and Coal were three main sources in Germany.  
  
Initially, New Zealand did not use Nuclear as in Germany, and except Natural Gas and Petroleum, other sources had an upward trend. Coal number started at 36 and grew roughly threefold in 2010. In contrast with the figure for Natural Gas bottomed at 2 from a third. The quantity of Hydro rose slightly by 16 to 46 while petroleum saw opposite pattern at 2 in 2010.  
  
Meanwhile, in Germany, 2010 witnessed a mark jump in Nuclear number that reached a peak at 150. Coal number remained unchanged at 28, and the figure for Natural Gas appeared to fall dramatically as in New Zealand at 2. There was a slight increase in Petroleum quantity at 5 while Hydro experienced to decline by 5 from 7 in 1980. (186)  
  
*
Again, I do really enjoy reading your essay, especially when it is well-structured like this. Yet, you need to remember that there is no perfect writing after-all. One thing that you can maintain is your paragraphing structure and your writing style, especially when the actual test is getting near. Furthermore, you can take a closer look on my feedback below.  
  
...depicted in the pie charts.  
- It is measured in unit, ~~in~~between 1980 and 2010.  
- ... was the most popular electricity generation source in New Zealand (...) three main electricity generation sources in Germany.  
  
- The number of Coal ~~number~~unit started at 36 and ...  
- ... figure for Natural Gas, it bottomed at 2 from a third.  
- ... Hydro rose slightly ~~by~~from 16 to 46 while petroleum...  
  
- ..., 2010 witnessed a marked jump in Nuclear number that reached ~~a~~its peak at approximately 150.  
- Coal ~~number~~(same case as above) remained unchanged at 28,..  
  
Hope this helps :)
**International Tourist Arrivals in Five Countries**  
  
A breakdown of information about international visitor advents in five regions in the world is given by the line chart from 1995 to 2005. The measurement unit is in millions. Overall, all countries had an upward trend except USA. However, USA was the most country where was visited by tourists during the period.  
  
To start with, from 1995 to 2005, all countries experienced an upward trend. Egypt stood at the lowest number in the beginning. It was followed by Brazil in the slight difference figure. However, ten years later witnessed a gradual rise of Egypt at more than 10, which overtook the position of Brazil at 10. Malaysia, France, and USA increased gradually until they reached a peak at 30, 70 and 90 respectively in 2005.  
  
After a culmination of three countries in 2005 and an inclining of others, four countries continued a steady climb until 2010. Brazil, Egypt, Malaysia and France reached a high point at that last year at just above 10, around 15, 40, and 85 respectively. Unfortunately, USA declined slightly at the same number of France. Nevertheless, USA was still the highest number of visitor arrivals in all countries. 194w  
  
*   
*Line chart*
Hi Anna, here is my thoughts  
  
... an upward trend except **the**USA.  
*to reduce the using of verb auxiliary, maybe you can change had into experienced/witnessed/gained/..*  
  
However, **the** USA was the most country ~~where was~~ visited by ...  
*you can reduce the conjunction to boost your skill in writing*  
  
... witnessed a gradual rise ~~of~~**in** Egypt at more than 10  
*the proper collocation rise --> in*  
  
Malaysia, France, and **the** USA increased gradually ...  
*avoid using data three times. sounds like shopping list*  
  
keep writing Anna :)
**What are the causes of water scarcity? What are your solutions?**  
  
There are several factors that can lead to the difficulty of getting clean water. The essay will first discuss about factory waste and drought which are the main cause of water scarcity, and then to tackle these issues, I think that improving industrial waste management and building recharge area can overcome this problem.  
  
There are some detrimental effects to live near factories, and one of them is difficult to find clean water resources due to lack of responsbility in industrial waste. A river in Gwalior, India for example. It has been polluted owing to textile factories waste that were bulit nearby the river, as stated by a publication from Jiwaji University. As a consequence, local authorities should buy pricey clean water from retailers. To tackle with this issue, factories should apply a management waste product by recycling the waste to remove dangerous chemicals that can be harmful before pouring it into the river. Thus, the water resources can be used again.  
  
In one hand, some groups of people are also hard to find water since suffer a long time of dry season. For example, according to a research from Keio University shows that 47% of rural areas in Tokyo experience a serious problem in finding a well which provide enough water to fulfill their primary needs. As a result, many people, especially children, have suffer dehidration and related disease. Hence, to control this issue, they have to build a large dam that can be a recharge area during rain season. Therefore, preserving clean water appears to be essential to prevent lack of water.  
  
All in all, it is undeniable that water pollution and draught can cause people difficult to find water. Therefore, as far as I concerned that developing management waste products and building a dam can be the best solution. (301)
Septiada, I really like your paragraphing and sentence structure. It seems so coherent and informative to the reader. Yet, it is unfortunate that some of your sentences were influenced by the native language that you have. This made your writing didn't really sound like an English language. Let me help you rephrasing those problems into a more English native-like.  
  
- ... detrimental effects ~~to live~~when living near factories, and one of them is that it is difficult to (...) due to ~~lack of responsbility in~~ industrial waste that is produced by irresponsible company.  
  
- **A river in Gwalior, India for example.**(where is the subject and verb? You can choose whether combining this "incomplete sentence" or make it complete)  
  
- To tackle ~~with~~ this issue, factories should...  
  
- ~~In one hand~~Moreover , some groups of people ~~are~~ also feel hard to find water ...  
  
- ... especially children, have suffered from dehydration~~dehidration~~ ...  
  
Additionally, spelling problems are also existed in your essay. Try to be more careful next time :)
***Some people think it is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home to obtain information, do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Some people argue that building libraries will spend money in futile way. Because everyone has home Internet, it can be used to find information. I strongly disagree since I think that libraries and Internet have different function in obtaining information. Firstly, some information does not publish public on the Internet and then much Internet information is anonymous.  
  
Many textbooks now are archived on the Internet in which can be accessed by all people either to be free or to be paid. However, some of them is totally published only as textbook or has time to be posted online. So that people who need that book, have to find it on the bookstore. Based on the article of New York Time Magazine that two books in agriculture field have published in textbook forms and the publisher informed that those books were not available in digital form. Therefore, people only can read them manually without any Internet access.  
  
Besides, allocating money to establish libraries will bring benefits since people can access exact information on the books. As many people know that, some information on the internet is provided anonymously. For instance, a student found support information for his essay on Internet. It was good; unfortunately, it did not insert the author of the information. So, it cannot be a source to cite. However, when he found on the books, it would be very clear.  
  
To draw a conclusion, I firmly disagree that library building just waste much money since certain information can only find in a book. Moreover, the information from books has an exact writer in which it is different when people cite from the internet. 274w
**Hi Anna..  
These are a few corrections to improve your essay.**  
  
information. Firstly, some information does not ...  
Actually, you successfully create the introduction well, even you display what you will explain in the body paragraph. However, you can make your thesis statement shorter.  
  
INFORMATION BECAUSE THE INTERNET STILL PROVIDES THE VAGUE DATA.  
  
Besides, allocating money to  
Apart from that, ......  
  
For instance, a student found [...] the author of the information  
*Actually, those can support your opinion to show your disagreement. However, you did not construct your sentences systematically so that you appeared the bad flow. You are supposed to reread your sentences to make you sure that readers can get the points in your essay.*  
  
To draw a conclusion  
*I know you wanna create unfamiliar intro sentence in the conclusion paragraph. However, you should be careful because not all can be used in the essay or formal writing. You should harness usual sentences (in conclusion, to conclude, or to sum up)*  
  
**Overall, you successfully answer the question well.**
**Some people think it is a waste of money to establish libraries since the public can use the Internet at home to obtain information, do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Need of information is tremendous necessary for everyone in the present time. Some people say that it is wasting money if we should build a library because we can use internet to searching for some information. This essay states that totally disagree with this statement. Owing to the fact that is not ever person can access internet connection.  
  
First of all, internet is a sophisticated technology that makes people easier to looking for some information. Internet usage was extremely influenced of human life, because they could know various matters about life in the world. For example, 54% USA schoolchildren used internet when they studied about various animals from abroad. It makes study more effectively, because they can see clearly about appearance and behaviour of animals from pictures and videos. So, it can lose much money if someone want to build a library.  
  
On the other hand, build a library is very important for party of people rather than use the internet because connection of internet is not every people can access it. For example, Indonesia inhabitant who live in remote villages. They cannot find access internet because there is lack of technology. Jakarta post said that just 13% of local used internet especially in educational sectors. It makes they more prefer to choose finding information from books or some printed references than internet. Besides, collected books in library can use by other generations in the future. so, personally in my opinion that build a library is tremendous important because can create sustainable reference availability.  
  
In conclusion, in my view that totally disagree that build a library is a wasting money action because others who cannot access on internet connection just can find information from printed references such as books and tabloids. (291w)
**Hello Miss Ba'da..  
These are a few suggestions to finalize your essay.**  
  
internet to  
You have to remember that Internet always pairs with article THE because it is only one in the world.  
**The Internet**  
  
this statement. Owing to the fact that ...  
*this statement owing to the fact that not all people can access the Internet.*  
  
This essay states that totally disagree with this statement  
In the thesis statement, you stated that you totally disagree. However, you experienced contradiction in the first body paragraph.  
  
internet is a sophisticated technology that makes people easier ...  
You never mentioned that you agree for some of case. The disagreement was displayed clearly so that I am surprised when you explain the benefit of the internet. Besides that, you are supposed to concentrate on prompts. You should review why constructing the library does not waste money. unfortunately, your flow is not enough good. You directly stated that  
  
So, it can lose much money if someone want to build a library.  
but you tended to explain the Internet without mentioning the library in previous sentences.  
  
Turning to the second paragraph, you have touched the prompt. You elucidated that some roles of the library can be not replaced by the Internet. However, you reread your sentences to make you sure what you write is what in your mind. For example,  
  
the internet because connection of internet is ...  
*the internet because not all people in varied areas can access on the Internet well.*  
  
**Keep writing  
Good Luck**