dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello Johnnguyen,  
  
What is the word limit of this essay? You should bear this in mind when writing, since your essay was a bit too short.  
  
Anyway, here are some tips for you:  
  
**I - Introduction**  
  
You should, indeed, state what your text is about, but why not using some data or a short narrative? This would attract the readers attention to the writing.  
  
Additionally, you could summarize you point of in the introduction - that's what we call (at least, in Brazil) "thesis".  
  
**II - Development**  
  
Since you gave to different reasons why some skills are disappearing, you should divide these two points in paragraphs. This is also a good way of showing the corrector of your essay that you have a good domain of the linkers.  
  
You can follow the structure:  
a) Reason  
b) example  
c) conclusion of the paragraph  
  
**III - Conclusion**  
  
This paragraph was a bit too short as well. Why not summarizing the reasons you've just given and, then, showing some insights on how solving the problem or, in this case, how it influences our society in the same paragraph? This would give your essay a better "Rhythm"  
  
**IV - Style**  
  
a) You should avoid including yourself in the text with expressions like "my country" - instead, be specify the country, since your writing will be more formal.  
  
b) Avoid using "people", since it is too vague - you can use e.g. "workers" instead.  
  
**V - Grammar**  
  
a) "With regards to"  
  
b) "doing repairs to things" - "repairing" is good enough  
  
All that said, I hope my tips were of any help. Again, try to develop the topic more deeply.  
  
Best,  
  
Arthur.
John, as a professional contributor at this forum, I cannot, in good conscience, give you advice regarding the improvement of this essay because you did not meet the minimum word requirement for the Task 2 essay. With only 245 words, this essay will get an automatic failing score. Remember, you need to meet the minimum word count in order to meet the minimum scoring considerations / requirements.  
  
Since points will be deducted from your essay due to the missing word number that leads to the minimum word count, you will lose a big chunk of the score in the TA section. Then, when you consider the existing LR, GRA, and clarity problems in your presentation, the conclusion will be that you have not done enough work to get at least a passing score.  
  
Since this is your first post at this forum, and it is a post that does not follow the Task 2 format anyway, I will not offer you any advice at this point. That is because the lacking words prevent me from getting a clear idea of your actual writing abilities and how it may be potentially scored using the 4 brackets. I need you to write a full 250-300 word essay and post it as a new topic in a new thread at this forum. That way I will be able to judge your work on a more solid foundation.
## questions sent to a Tourist Information Office

  
  
The line graph illustrates the figure for questions sent to the Tourist Information Office in particular city from January to June in the year 2011.  
Overall, it is clear that while the number of queries in person and by telephone increased, letters or email became less common choice. In additionally, there is a significant change in the figure for visitors who made inquiries in person.  
  
In the first month of 2011, the Tourist Information Office received 900 questions form telephone. The figure for letters or mail and person were lower, at around 750 ones and 450 ones. In the next two months, telephone still remained the most popular method with 1000 enquiries. The number of queries by telephone steadily rise to 800 questions in March. At the same time, there is a small decline in the figure for inquiries by letter or email to 750 ones.  
  
Looking at the chart in more detail, from March to June, there is a similar trend in the number of enquiries in person and via telephone. They reached at peak at 1900 questions in person and 1600 questions by telephone. By contrast, the Tourist Information Office gave the figure for letters or email decreased to 350 questions in June.  
  
*
Ngoc, you managed to provide enough relevant information albeit in a very confusing manner in this analytical essay. You suffer from a lack of connecting word usage such as "the" and "a" throughout the presentation. Your essay actually lacks clarity in the information discussion due to your poor word choices. The timeline in your presentation is all off. If you are discussing something that happened in 2011, then all reference actions should be in past tense rather than present tense, a common mistake throughout your essay.  
  
As per the information you provided, I did not see a reference to the 2011 year in the chart. Neither was there a reference to a generic city anywhere in the chart. Please remember, for accuracy purposes, if you don't see the data in the chart, you don't put it in the report / refer to it in the analysis. That creates a questionable and inaccurate report on your part and could lower your TA score. My suggestion is that you read more sample task 1 essays as provided at this forum and learn from the advice given. You should find yourself writing your own task 1 essays in a better manner after reading about the mistakes and corrections applied to the work of others.
## violence and the media

  
  
**Violence in the media promote violence in society. To what extend do you agree or disagree**  
  
Sensational stories, where actions or crimes are recounted in graphic details, prevail over other kinds of news because they indulge the curiosity of average people. Some people think that media outlets are making violence more popular in real life, and I totally agree with this view. The media with cheap, gratuitous violence are spoiling our mind, and children also suffer from this worrying trend.  
  
The fact that we are fed on a diet of TV programs and movies rife with strong language and savagery leads us to falsely accept violence as a norm in societies. For example, while watching TV series such as Hell Kitchen or Master Chef, viewers can see people cursing, throwing food, or even physically attacking others. Shows like these offer a distorted view on life, where violence is actually not the solution of choice for coping with anger of conflict. People may gradually tolerate violence if they digest these products too often.  
  
In addition, children's behaviors are set to be influenced heavily by the violent contents that they see. As a matter of fact, kids are likely to incorporate what they watch and read into their daily lives. For example, in Vietnam, under the effect of Chinese action movies, many boys in Vietnam naively believe that heroes are supposed to beat people up and, therefore, usually resort to their fists to exhibit their superiority. This behavior pattern can evolve into anti-social behaviors in the future, putting security at risk.  
  
In conclusion, violence contents are now ubiquitous because of the media. This is a serious issue because not only adults but future generations are also being affected in undesirable ways. As children grow up in the culture where violence sells, there is no guarantee that they would not, out of habits, succumb to violence to solve their problems.  
  
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_  
In the opening I had incorporated my view which directly answer the prompt.  
Also I chose to develop only one idea for each body.  
Please give me your opinions?
Dan, there are two types of writing methods for the Task 2 essay, one, is the direct opinion essay that references a response to a direct question such as "What are the reasons that the sky is blue?" The other is the opinion essay, which does not require a direct response in the presentation because of the 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. The extent essay is one of those essays. Your prompt paraphrase is overly complicated because of your direct response. In this instance, a simple paraphrase is required. Something like:  
  
*Mass media is perceived to be purveyor of violence in our society. This a statement that I totally agree with. In this essay, I will explain the reasons that I support this statement.*  
  
Somehow the prompt that you provided as the original feels incomplete. There seems to be a few missing details in the post but I worked with it, just to show you how to meet the 3 sentence minimum requirement for each paragraph. Yes, sometimes writing the task 2 essay is also about an ability to improvise when you know little about the prompt provided.  
  
You have a subject-verb disagreement with regards to the plural-singular word choice for the term "are. Since the subject is "media" a "singular" reference word, then the singular reference "is" should have been used rather than the plural form "are". Then there is the problem with your conjunction use. Remember that you always need to use a comma after a conjunction such as after the word "adults", but before the phrase "future generations".  
  
The overall discussion is acceptable. Though clarity and conciseness is still a bit of a problem for you in this essay, that occurred only once so I would not worry about it so much. It won't affect your gra because of the overall clarity of the discussion.
## SHOULD ANIMALS HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS AS HUMANS?

  
  
Nowadays, animals play an important role in the human society. Some people believe that animals should be treated like humans, the others think that animals are only used for researches or benefits. This essay will discuss both views and give some opinions.  
  
On one hand, animals should be treated fairly because they like people in many ways. In other words, animals have emotions, they are intelligent and they know how to care and bring up their child. Thus, animals deserve to be treated as well as humans. For example, monkeys are extremely smart, dogs are the most loyal animals. In addition, humans depend on animals for survive, instead of proving food, they help people in many cases such as detections, cures, buildings, etc.  
  
On the other hand, people should not give rights for all of animals. Firstly, the biggest difference between humans and animals is animals act instinctively, they can harm to people. Secondly, rights go with obligations, people have rights but they also have to contribute society and make a rich society. While animals can not do anything like this, proving food and research are their missions. Thus, people should care and love them instead of giving them the same rights as humans.  
  
In my opinion, although animals can not have the same rights as human but animals should have some rights such as protection and risk of extinction. Because of a number of animals are on the verge of extinction such as mountain gorillas, South China tiger, etc. Besides, people use animals for research in order to decrease risks and cost. Thus, research on animals is permissible and people should not use animals unconsciously on research.  
  
In conclusion, animals should have protection rights instead of having the same rights as humans. People should love animals and consider before using them on research.
Tran, since you forgot to post the original prompt along with the essay response, I cannot give you any advice regarding the content of your essay. The most I can help you with at this point is with regards to your grammar and sentence structure problems. I wish that I could have given you a more in-depth review of your essay but without the original prompt, that is just impossible.  
  
You are missing a comma after your conjunction reference in the sentence "... they are intelligent, and..." . There a few more errors regarding conjunction punctuation use, specifically to a missing comma after the conjunction in several sentences. The comma is always used to connect separate sentence references / thoughts in a paragraph. Don't get used to doing that though because its consistent use in any paragraph often results in run-on sentences, which has a relation to a reduced GRA score.  
  
Please remember that your word choices matter in this essay. The way you present a sentence wording will indicate either clarity or confusion. So, when you say "can not", you confuse the reader. The word "can" indicates an ability to accomplish while the word "not" means to disagree or, as referenced in this sentence, be unable to accomplish something. When you say can not, that mean you can but also are unable to. That doesn't make sense. However, saying "cannot" means "being unable to" in a contracted form. The word "cannot" is a contraction that refers to being unable to accomplish as opposed to "can not" which does not make sense as I previously explained. Be mindful of this practice of yours as you appear to do this several times throughout this essay.  
  
I won't review anything else for you at this point because I am unclear as to the original writing instructions. I will give you advice regarding content improvement next time. That is, if you remember to post the original prompt along with your response. Please remember to do that.
This is my Ielts writing essay, thank you so much for your feedback.  
  
## part-time jobs are popular among students

  
  
*Question: These days more high school students have parttime jobs while parents are not able to support all their needs. What could be the reasons for this? Do you think it is a positive change or a negative change?*  
  
It is true that high school students are increasingly likely to have part-time jobs while more parents than ever are suffering in debts after 2008 international financial crises that cause them cannot provide better physical support to their children. There could be several reasons for students to motivate themselves to be more dependent in financial, and I consider it to be a very positive trend.  
  
In recent years, high school students have had to adapt to various changes in our societies. Especially, technology developments have made great progress, and it has become very normal for every student to have many high tech gadgets for them to use as communication tools with their friends. It has also become a great burden for parents to fulfil their children's needs for those products which are seen as essentials for a younger generation. At the same time, the frequency of new technology products launching is very often which means students who have a strong desire to electronic gadgets need to rely on their own instead of asking from their parents. Therefore, besides supporting children's basic needs such as tuition and living costs, parents should not be put under more pressure to sacrifice their time or energy in order to provide more money to their children.  
  
In my view, the demands of students described above should be seen as natural wanting for human. We should be happy to see high school students have become more independent and make effort on their own to gain what they want. As parents are already carried huge pressure to maintain and operate a family, equally, it seems only fair that high school students should be able to share more burden for their family members or for themselves. Therefore, the students should be left to make their own decisions about what kind of school life they want to have, according to their particular circumstances and needs.  
  
In conclusion, having part-time jobs has become very common situation in high schools as a result of wider changes in society, and I believe these changes will benefit to the students and parents.
Celine, "high tech" is actually a hyphenated word that connects the two separate words into one meaning. Consider it a glue that helps to keep otherwise different word meanings connected into a new and singular meaning such as in the case of "high-tech". You need to work on the conciseness of your presentations. By that, I mean you should be using less words but in more complex forms that show a degree of English sentence structure mastery. Most of your paragraphs tend to get too wordy for no reason. In fact, writing over 300 words ensures that your essay will lack in coherence and cohesiveness because, rather than focusing on the content of your discussion, you are more concentrated on vocabulary, which means you will not have time to edit this essay in an actual test to create the best possible presentation for it. Write no more than 275 words. That is just the right number of words to leave you with editing time and also, a better scoring consideration for the overall presentation.  
  
Avoid writing in run-on sentences such as your first sentence in your prompt paraphrase. Makes sure to divide the presentation into short but clear sentences. Also, avoid citing actual events such as the financial situation of 2008 as that may not be relevant to the actual discussion. In addition to that, references of such precise detail indicate that you did research during your practice test, which you will not be able to do during the actual test since it is a pen and paper test.  
  
For the sentence structure, stick to the minimum 3 -5 sentence count so that you can fully utilize the scoring potential of each paragraph. While there are presentation problems in the opening paragraph that can affect your score, the fact that you clearly responded to the given direct questions will ensure a decent TA score for yourself.  
  
You are not properly defending the opinion you provided that this trend of having students work part time is a positive thing because their parents cannot support them. You are talking about technology and its progress, among other things. However, these are not valid reasons for having a part-time job. Conditions of needing to save money for tuition fees, helping their family financially, or the desire to be financially independent are the valid reasons for this discussion, not the reasons you gave above.  
  
Now, while there are no right or wrong responses to the given prompt, its accuracy in responding to the question will be considered as part of the TA score, since your response doesn't align itself in a more appropriate manner as suggested by the prompt, you cannot expect to score well with this type of writing.
## Preparing young people for leadership

  
  
Prompt:  
**"The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition."**  
  
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons or examples that could be used to challenge your position.  
  
My essay :  
  
There are many ways in preparing young people for having a leadership skill that will be beneficial in their future career paths. Some people argue that the best way is by training them a sense of cooperation in such a work team without a competition. However, there is an argument that competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills. I personally believe that the combination of cooperation and competition sense should be the important things in emphasizing a leaders' charachter in every individual.  
  
It is undeniable that a competition is a good thing for student, and it has obviously been applied in school. For example, there is a rank system that will encourage students to get a higher score than their friends. In addition, there are also many competition in extracurricular activities, such as in sports or games. By training youth with competition, they will be encouraged to focus on achieving their goals and forcing themselves to get the best result. These are definitely one of the important aspects that the leaders should have. In workplace, they will have a willingness to work, not only work, but achieve the best things that will be beneficial to their institutions.  
  
Absolutely, the competition is not a single thing that determine people to be success. They also should have an ability to work in team. None can do such a lot of works in gaining the highest goals by her/himself alone. A great work will be successfully achieved when there is a great work team behind it. Therefore, every single individual should have a sense of cooperation, beside their competitive trait.  
  
By combining both competition and cooperation, everyone is able to be a competent leader and give a greater benefit for their institutions. Those two abilities are definitely thaught in school, but should be keep maintained by a single individual when they want to achieve a success life in their career paths.
Hi, I think this would probably score about a 4 out of 6 on the GRE.  
  
In terms of grammar  
1. You are missing the word 'the' in several places.  
- ... for **the** student  
- In **the** workplace...  
  
2. Issues with singular vs plural  
- there **are** also many **competitions**  
  
3. Spellings: charachter  
  
I would also work on your transitions a little bit. The third paragraph should start with "Although competition serves a very important role, there are some instances where teamwork is more important"
There are many ways in preparing ... --> prepare someone for doing something is syntactically correct yet very awkward.  
  
This is a typical mistake. Never let a countable noun stand alone. fix: a good thing for students/ for a student/ for the student/ for the students (all syntactically correct except your version). In this instance, ... for students is semantically appropriate.  
  
the competition is not a single thing.. --> you meant the only thing. Because if you didn't then I don't know what you meant.  
  
determine people to be success --> syntactically incorrect. determine one's success is ok.  
Finally, word allocation is unbalanced. Your opening is the second-longest paragraph, which is not a good thing
Nuradia, , you are writing this essay for the GRE test. Therefore, it is not to be approached as if you were writing a Task 2 IELTS essay. That is the biggest mistake that you made in this presentation. Your arguments are simplistic for the most part, lacking in true analysis of the given statement, and does not offer a clear point of view based on only one of the two specific choices given in the original statement. There is no halfway point in this essay, only a single point.  
  
Your first paragraph is not understandable to a great extent. I believe this is because you were thinking in your native language and then you tried to translate it into English. Never do that. That is how you end up delivering indiscernible sentences like "Some people argue that the best way is by training them a sense of cooperation in such a work team without a competition." What are you trying to say? Whatever the real message you were tying to convey was got lost in translation.  
  
Please remember that mere proof-reading your paper could spell a passing or failing score in any English test. There is no such word as "thaught", the correct word is "taught". At this point, it is expected that you have already passed your IELTS or TOEFL test, which is why you are taking the GRE already. That means you are capable of writing fluently in English to a great extent, show a high level of academic English usage, and you know how to edit, revise, and finalize your paper before submitting it for a score. None of which is evident in this essay so I do not hold high hopes of you getting an impressive score in the GRE at this point.