dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**You are planning a short visit to a city where one of your relatives lives.  
  
Write a letter to your relative. In your letter:  
  
· Explain when and how long you will be in town.  
  
· Ask whether you can stay at their home.  
  
· Offer to pay for yourself.**  
  
Dear Rafa,  
  
How are you cousin? I hope it finds you well. It's been long since I last saw you. I am writing because in August I'm going to be attending a business conference in Sydney, and I was wondering if I could stay at your place for a couple of days.  
  
My arrival is going to be on 5th August and I'm going to stay for 5 days, but I would be happy at spending a few days extra so that we can have fun together.  
  
The event is just two blocks from your home, so I thought I could kill two birds with one stone if could stay at your place. It is a convenient location and we would be more time together. Isn't it perfect?  
  
Cousin, I could pay you for my stay, because the expenditures might be cover by the company. We could be together and I pay you as if I was in a hotel. So it is a win-win.  
  
Please let me know if you could be available to welcome me.  
  
Hugs,  
  
Marcelo Xavier.
There are a few sentence presentations here that do not sound natural in the English language. However, the examiner will overlook that since he is conscious of the fact that you are an English Second Language learner. Besides, the unnatural tone did not prevent you from delivering the required information for the letter. However, when you offer to pay for your stay, don't say "might" as if you are expecting your cousin to let you stay for free. Instead, refer to the company as "has agreed to pay for all expenses" or a similar presentation. That way you truly meet the writing requirement that says "offer to pay for yourself". Overall, not a bad job. This type of writing can probably earn you a score of 6. Not that you were asking. I just thought you might be inspired to do even better with your next practice essay if I let you know that you are doing well enough on your practice tests for you to risk trying to write in a slightly more advanced form so that you can probably get a higher score,
## Job migration to the wealthier countries

  
  
An increasing numbers of professionals, such as doctors and teachers, are leaving their own poorer countries to work in developed countries. What are the causes? What are the soulutions?  
  
Professionals, such as doctors and teachers, have a tendency to leave their developing countries to find jobs in developed countries. This essay will examine main causes of this issue and possible solutions.  
  
The two main causes of leaving countries among professionals are the deficiency of high-quality facilities and slim chance to promote. When these white-collar workers live in developing countries, they can not have cutting-edge technology. This way, they stand no chance of working as their desire. For instance, teachers in some rural areas have to commute about 10 km to the schools on foot. Also, promotion is another key factor that deter those professionals from staying in the poor countries. Their salaries are not sufficient, although they indulge themselves on their occupation. Doctors or teachers definitely opt for developed countries where they can devote themselves to their passion without worrying about money. For example, the majority of people in Southeast Asia tend to find scholarships to study abroad and settle down there. Thus, lacking money and poor condition are deterrents for the professionals.  
  
Some possible solutions to this problem are investing money in facilities and have more incentives for white-collar laborers. High-tech devices and machines undeniably make workers focus on their works because they provide them with comfort when working. As a case in point, online lessons emerged in my country in response to a pandemic allow teachers to finish their duty at home, providing them a safe environment to educate the students. Consequently, they are more fanatical about their works. Besides, governments should have some special policies for the professionals because they can draw their interest in their occupation.  
  
In conclusion, low salaries and low-quality facilities are two main factors that make the professionals leave their poor countries. However, we can significantly change this situation by improving the working condition and providing these people with sufficient salaries.
You could have done a better job at rephrasing the presentation:  
  
*A rising number of licensed workers from developing countries, physicians and educators in particular, tend to leave their home nations. They leave in order to seek better occupations in first world states. It is important to understand the reasons why these specialists decide to seek their luck outside of their home community. Based on these problems, fixes to the situation must also be proposed.*  
  
There is no need to say "This essay will examine". That is considered a memorized response. Try to represent the prompt discussion instructions in a manner that does not seem like you are just repeating what you learned in class. Compose a different way of indicating the instructions such as the one I presented above. Remember, you have to present between 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You cannot present just 2 sentences and expect to score well in the C&C and GRA section.  
  
This is a 3 paragraph essay that should have been presented with the following reasoning paragraphs:  
- Teachers  
- Doctors  
- General solution to the problem  
  
The way you connect these discussions is to find a common denominator between the two problems so that you can present a united solution in the 3rd paragraph. For the teachers, discuss the problem of classroom inefficiency in relation to technology. Do that in one paragraph. For doctors, discuss hospital inadequacies due to lack of technological instruments. That's a separate paragraph. Then discuss the common solution to both problems an increase in the budget for both sectors so that the teaching and treatment facilities can be upgraded. Once the systems are upgraded, the professionals will not leave their countries. Then, in the concluding summary, restate that very discussion as a part of the concluding paragraph.  
  
Your discussion paragraphs are too long and you have written too many words for a 40 minute task. You have to leave time to review and edit your work. In this instance, you did not leave any time for corrections so your essay is filled with grammatical errors. Aim to write no more than 5 sentences per paragraph to help with your editing time requirement. This essay has way too many grammar and vocabulary errors which will result in heavy penalties on the final score.
## Screen dependency problem

  
  
**Topic: Nowadays, children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
In modern society, it is much easier for children to get computer games and spend more time on TV than before. Besides, parents are busy finishing and handling their work. As a result, they do not have enough time to accompany their children. And parents will use TV and games to accompany their children. Thus, children waste a lot of time on this electronic entertainment. Is it a negative effect on children's mental abilities? To me, I agree with this point. I think watching TV and playing computer games are negative on children's mental abilities.  
  
First of all, watching TV and playing computer games cause children to reduce thinking. TV programs and computer games provide numerous images and sounds. Children do not have the opportunity to imagine and create their thinking. They lose the opportunity to think and grow up. It will affect children's mental abilities. By contrast, activities like reading or drawing develop many areas of the brain and help children to think and imagine.  
  
In the second place, children will decrease interaction with other people because of spending much time watching TV and playing computer games. When children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games all day, they will not have time and the opportunity to play outdoors with other people. Physical activity also helps with brain development. Therefore, children should be discouraged from watching TV and playing computer games.  
  
To conclude, our bodies and minds need to move and think. If we stop them moving, our bodies and minds will get worse. Therefore, we should help children's mental abilities through reading and drawing instead of spending too much time watching TV and playing computer games.
You did not properly paraphrase the prompt. The first paragraph of the IELTS Task 2 essay is always focused on your English comprehension skills. That means, you are asked to paraphrase the instructions so that you will be able to show that you understood :  
  
*- The topic for discussion - children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games.  
- The reason for the discussion - Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities  
- The discussion format - To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
In this case the above should have presented in the paraphrase as:  
  
*- Topic : Youngsters consume their time with digital game activities and small screen entertainment.  
- Reason: Citizens have the opinion that these activities have an adverse effect on kids intellectual development  
- Discussion format: I greatly agree with this statement due to two reasons.*  
  
Never present a question in your own essay. That could accidentally lead to a discussion deviation. Stick to the provided information for the discussion question. You do not need to provide a contrasting statement in the essay. It is not required discussion and constitutes a prompt deviation. Specially since you did not try to develop that contrasting statement in the presentation. Points will be deducted for that.  
  
Your conclusion is a clear deviation from the original prompt. It should only be a restatement of the body of your discussion. It should cover a restatement of the topic, reason for discussion, and summarize your discussion paragraphs within 3-5 sentences. Your essay is not properly formatted and will suffer several points deductions because of it.
## Strict rules for young generation

  
  
As far as I'm concerned, some conventional and even tradition rules in societies expect young generation to follow are too much for them.  
  
In the first place, good kids means the student who have good performance and academic record in school when we're a teenager. When we're a student, what we hear most is that behaving well and working hard on studying are the only way to be successful. It seems like every kids have to be friendly with all people around us such as our family, our teacher and our fellows. These kind of rules are not regulations but it's the rigid impression of good kids to the society. Nevertheless, there are still many kids hating the rigid rules in school or behaving negatively about just sitting in the classroom and learning something they're not interested in. The teenager phase is supposed to be the most potential period for every kids to seek for their interest or advantage, and try to develop them as soon as possible, so the people should stop imposing some tradition view on the teenager.  
  
Furthermore, a steady job with good welfare is the only perfect job for young. After graduating, more and more parents think that getting a offer from a big company with reputation or getting a job is relatively steady is the perfect future for young people. If our job is too unsteady, which don't have so much time to take a rest and accompany with our family, or if our salary is too low, it seems like we're not working hard for ourselves, and we'll end up living with an unhappy life. The truth is that there are so many young people don't even clear about their destination of future career after graduating, and we need time to adjust our plan for future or try something new in the first place. All the exploration and personal thinking about our future career seems meaning nothing in this society. If someone ask our job, and we answer something like a writer or a salesperson, the people will clarify us in "day-dreamer" and "another young with low salary". But if those are just their temporary decision or even an ideal job, I think they will be the optimized choice for those people.  
  
Last but not least, getting married and having a child before 30-year-old or being judged. The situation of our marriage, the condition of our partner, the children's growth and so forth are something easily to be judged by the society. Being with someone and build a family are supposed to be something private and personal, but the economic condition of our partner and the decision just between the married people like having a child are always discussed by others. Married too late, having a partner with unsteady or low-paid job, having no kids are something against the norm in society, and if we have one of them in our marriage, this marriage may be considered as an incomplete or even failed one.  
  
In sum, every different phases of young generation are having different kinds of potential rules needed to be followed to avoid for the society judgement, and it's too strict and unnecessary in this world because young have their right to be free to live.
I think that there are some mistakes you might want to consider changing in the essay.  
1. **In the first place, good kids means the student who have good performance and academic record in school when we're a teenager.** => *When we were teenagers, a good kid equals a student who have good ...*  
  
2.**working hard in studying** => *working hard / studying hard*  
  
3. every ~~kids~~ child/kid  
  
4. good kids = perfect kids  
  
5. end up living ~~with~~ an unhappy life  
  
6. don't even clear about => have no clues about
When you write the TOEFL essay, don't forget to paraphrase the prompt in the first paragraph. After doing that, you must include the outline of your discussion towards the end as a transition sentence. I did not read anything of the sort in your presentation. Additionally, you should be using more personal pronouns referring to your personal insight instead of group insight in the paragraphs. 6 sentence should include a reference to a personal opinion and / or experience which you will be expanding upon as a part of the paragraph. Don't forget the use of transition sentences at the end of every paragraph. You don't really represent that. Yuur concluding summary is too short. You need to be able to paraphrase the prompt and your discussion in this section as well. It is almost similar to a Task 2 IELTS essay, but with a different scoring requirement when it comes to sentences and paragraphs. I am not really sure how well you responded to the prompt because you did not include a copy of it with your posting. So I am not going to score the essay. My observations here are based on the general considerations for TOEFL scoring. These are the mistakes I believe your essay made with regards to scoring guidelines. I look forward to reviewing your next essay with the prompt included.
Thanks for correcting my grammer mistakes!  
  
Thanks for your opinions, I really appreatiate it! But I'm confused of some parts you mentioned in the feedback. Could u explain more about the transition sentences and the using of personal pronouns? Am I suppose to use more "I" or my own examples? And I'm writing the TOEFL independent writing, so this is the whole topic. I'm not really get the meaning of the "prompt" of TOEFL writing.  
  
Sorry for having so many questions. Hope to get your further response:)
## travelling around cultures

  
  
Nowadays, travelling around cultures has grown up dramatically, become a prevalent and publicly recognized phenomenon. Due to the rapid development, his trend is a combination of both positive outcomes and inconveniences consequences.  
  
It is obvious that international travel brings great benefits to people. A very common gain of these circumtances is the contribution to the economy of the host country. Taking Ha Long for example, attracts 5.2 million tourists from overseas (2018) to contemplate the UNESCO World Heritage Site, which make it become a paradise of job opportunity for locals and also the tourist agencies. This scenario could also be favorable in terms of motivating cultural exchange. In this case, the travelers are unconsciously distributing their country's specific to the others and directly taking pleasure in another culture, which make cultural assimilation become much more easier.  
  
However, this popularity could be detrimental in terms of environment. International travel in specific and tourism in general put enormous pressure on local land use for hotels and facilities, on the demand of water and food, which will lead to deforestation, soil erosion or natural habitat loss. Commercialization of culture is another dangerous possibility. In Sapa, Vietnam, many people cannot speak Vietnamese as they are ethnic minority but they are fluently in English to communicate with oversea tourists.  
  
In conclusion, it is clear that while this development has brought some positive changes, it has also made society vulnerable to some unpleasant ones. If we are able to balance these influences, international travel will still be extremely, perfectly indispensable in our lives.
Your essay contains researched information. That runs directly counter to the instruction that asks you to use personal experience and examples as a part of your reasoning paragraphs in this essay. You will never be asked nor allowed to use researched information during the actual test. You won't have access to the internet at the testing center. For this essay alone, I could already give it a failing mark in the TA section because you even included the year of the information that you used in the essay. That means you did not understand the task requirement of personal experience and examples discussion. Your discussion will be considered completely unrelated to the task and hence, get the lowest possible score for it. I cannot even continue to review the rest of the problems for this essay because it already made a mistake in the TA section. It is not going to achieve a 5 band mark because of that error.
## The specific gender suitable for certain occupations

  
  
Occasionally some people differentiate male and female genders and naturally they have different psychological manners and physical strength which make them suitable for certain occupations but generally there isn't any dissimilarity between men and women's jobs because both of them can pull their weight effectively and have their own talents and ambitions.  
  
As a matter of fact, women can understand problems better than men but on the other hand, men are definitely stronger than women when it comes to physical activities. Although, some jobs are undoubtedly suit a man, some of them are not fit for women due to their weakness in both physical and mental health.  
  
However, every family have anno horribles which led them to the strange situation such as wives are breadwinner in family instead of their husbands cos of their redundancy or some other problems. Although like this situation doesn't coincide with husbands, they have to pull their weight by being house husband.  
  
Nonetheless, Women also have gifts and aspirations to do various jobs and if we remember the history women began to work during the last century for example in the second world war women also attended to the war to protect their motherland and fought as brave as men. Therefore we can see a lot of hands-on female workers in the army even in our days and furthermore during the last century women also began to be a pilot. Although, at first male pilots exhibited their prejudice, nowadays there are we can see many female pilots.  
  
In conclusion, there is no easy answer to the questions about jobs which related to men or women but on the upshot no matter which gender they are and what jobs that they are chosen hence we should treat them equally and respect their choices because women are also a human like men that's why they also have rights to do a job according to their aptitude.
In the first place, it'll be better to use some strong or interesting topic sentence at the beginning of your explanatory paragraphs. It's still easy to understand what kinds of opinions you're trying to express through your explanation of some examples, but they're not so eye-catching without a clear and logical topic sentence.  
  
What's more, try not to use the abbreviation like "cos" in a writing. Also, try to reread and modify your first paragraph because there's not any punctuation, and it's hard for readers to figure out the logic inside, so it seems like a clutter for us.  
  
Meanwhile, the topic is "the difference between men and women jobs", and some certain jobs you write about in your current essay such as pilot and housewife, which are easier for people to differentiate the job difference between two genders is really adding the glory for your own essay! But more details of them will be better. Maybe you can add some practical examples for your second paragraph, or it'll be considered a filler.
Are you writing this essay for a Task 2 test? Kindly remember to post the complete prompt next time. I cannot review your work accurately in terms of content and responsiveness without it. However, I can offer a simple review of your visible grammar errors for this essay. The paragraph problems stem mostly from your eagerness to just write as many English words as you can. You failed to consider sentence clarity and paragraph formation in your writing. Each paragraph should have a topic sentence that will be central to the paragraph discussion. Separate your sentence reasoning into one sentence per reasoning presentation. Don't just keep typing without connecting the ideas through the use of punctuation marks, connecting words, and transition sentences. Your essay is difficult to follow discussion wise due to the improper formatting and sentence structure. My suggestions above are used in the formation of both the sentences and paragraphs for Task 2 essay tests.
The weather you are describing is not a drizzle, it is raining. So you should say "When it is raining". Raining is defined as the act of water falling from the skies or rainfall. When you claim that the rain creates inconvenience (correction for inconvenient), you should mention what kind of inconvenience it gives you. That type of statement calls for a justification or evidence of inconvenience. You have to explain it thoroughly to the reader otherwise the reader is wondering how you are inconvenienced by the rain. The road yo are describing does not justify a personal inconvenience. Deliver an example of why it is difficult for you to move during rainy conditions. "Long days of rain" not drizzle. Drizzle is a light rain that only last a few minutes. Rain lasts an hour or more. The last sentence does not explain why your clothes cannot dry. It is because the rain does not allow you to hang your clothes under the sun? Your essay needs more examples and explanations for it to make sense to the reader.