dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Where is the dual point of view discussion? You failed to use the first, second, and third person pronouns as required by the GRA scoring considerations for this essay. It appears that the essay has been written only from a personal point of view. This is how the essay appears to the examiner because of the lack of pronoun usage in the paragraph presentations. You should not be presenting a personal opinion within the paraphrase. Mostly because the personal opinion is based on the comparison of the 2 points of view. Since you have not yet presented the two points of view, you should merely indicate that you will be creating an opinion at the end of the comparative discussion.  
  
That said, this is an essay that contains 3 reasoning paragraphs based on 3 discussion points presented in the original prompt:  
Reasoning 1: Some people believe that work from home increases productivity. (Explain why people believe this. Do not use a personal point of view)  
Reasoning 2: Others say that people should go to the office. (Describe the reasons prefer to work at the office)  
Reasoning 3: Personal choice (If you were to choose, where would you work? Why?)  
  
Remember to use the correct group pronouns for the first 2 reasons and the first person pronoun in the third. You can present the first 2 discussion points in any order. Just make sure you present your opinion last.  
  
Your conclusion should be presented in a specific manner. That is:  
- Restate the discussion topic  
- Summarize the reasons using 2 sentences. One for every point of view  
- Repeat your opinion.  
- Close the sentence without indicating that the reader should prefer any of the points of view in particular. You should not try to influence the reader towards your own point of view, even if you are asked to present one in your reasoning paragraphs.  
  
Every Task 2 essay has a specific discussion format that needs to be followed so that you can gain a higher scoring consideration. You should make sure to familiarize yourself with all the discussion formats so that your responses will always be attuned to the discussion instructions.
Hi IELTS catchers! Hope everything is okay for you all, hence please give the review for my essay.🙏😇  
  
Question:  
***Some people believe online reading materials should only be used for a child to learn to read, whereas others believe only printed material should be used.***  
  
## Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

  
  
While internet should be the only platform to start learning activity due to its feature attracting students to learn enthusiastically, others believe that learning words through printed books might be better as to save children health from online device radiation.  
  
The object animation of Internet might be considered as the beneficial factor to attract children to learn words. That is to say that children would be excited, thus focusing more on understanding the alphabet, when they see the alphabet being presented by moving cartoon in Internet. A piece of research by English Literature Students in Indonesia University in 2019 stated that cartoon body gesture in YouTube video captured children attention, hence, making them more active to respond the video by repeating the words. As a result, it enhanced their learning memory towards the words. I believe that such online learning platform could lead children to learn the words faster due to these attractive animations.  
  
By contrast, learning to read words through printed books might keep serious harm to the children health. That is to say that children would not be exposed to any potential radiation from online screen, when they spend more time to learn many letters in printed books. Eventually, eye fatigue caused by radiation in Internet could be prevented to harm children eyes. In 2019, some research by public health students in Harvard university suggested that the absence of radiation from printed materials might sustain individuals good visibility, thereby making them able to concentrate on their materials. I think that learning through printed materials which preserves the health of children, thereby enabling them to concentrate on their next lessons outweighs the benefit of online animated objects.  
  
In summary, the moving objects in online reading might result into having more children to be active in that platform, while learning through printed materials could not risk children to poor sight because of radiation posed by online screen, thereby making children to still have more capacity in learning other materials.
You do know that this type of discussion is always presented as a 3 paragraph essay right? Your format is totally incorrect. You focused solely on your personal point of view in the presentation. You have not properly formatted the discussion paragraphs which should have clearly explained:  
  
- the public belief in children learning through printed reading material and why  
- the public belief in the internet based reading and why it is more effective  
- Your personal belief as to the best way to teach children to read  
  
By the way, you can make up information based on your personal experience and knowledge in any IELTS essay. However, you must not frame it in the form of a researched presentation. Do not use references to any information you present. Always use a personal point of view. You could have simply said that "my younger brother enjoyed learning how to read using animated YouTube cartoons instead of the picture books our parents used to teach him how to read", or something like that.  
  
The essay fails to provide the comparative point of view for the 2 public opinions prior to your personal point of view. It comes across as a totally personal opinion paper instead. You must use group pronouns to refer to the public opinion and then, use the personal pronouns throughout your personal point of view explanation. That way you clearly format the discussion as per the discussion instructions of the prompt. Use only the topics presented in the original, but you can use general reasons for the explanation. Just avoid the reference to research materials, that is never used in Task 2 essays.  
  
Your explanations are too wordy in a confusing manner. Try to present a clarity of thought in your discussion paragraphs. Do not use so much unnatural feeling vocabulary that the examiner will see that you are only focused on the LR section of the presentation. Always use a balanced focus on all scoring considerations to gain the highest possible score for your essay.  
  
Your discussion deviated from the reasoning topics provided by the original. You created a health discussion regarding eye fatigue, which was never part of the original discussion. The only topic was either children learn to read using online or printed material. There was no cause to discuss eye health issues, it never figured in the original prompt. If it isn't in the original presentation, it doesn't go into your discussion.
Please help me to reveiw my writing below.  
  
***Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more schoolwork.  
## How do you think children should spend their free time?***  
  
Some people suppose that children have too much free time which kids should use more for studying. In my opinion, that statement is quite exact but not all the cases.  
  
On the one hand, spending extra time doing schoolwork has some positive impacts on teenagers. Firstly, the more time children spend on studying, the more knowledge they could earn. In fact, various researches show that human learning is most influential in the first few years of life. Hence, if children could effectively take advantage of that period, they would create a strong foundation for their growing years later. Secondly, focusing on school assignments instead of other entertainment, such as video games, also generates the child's discipline. Actually, this character is extremely necessary for children's development, which makes them standstill in front of the temptation of their surroundings.  
  
On the other hand, there are some unavoidable negative effects on adolescents that need to be mentioned. Firstly, taking too much time at school or for homework would absolutely deprive kids of outdoor activities. These days, many developed countries tend to guide their youth with more social and survival skills through extracurricular programs. In fact, without these activities, youngsters might lose a considerable amount of joy and real experiences. On top of that, enormously doing schoolwork would give children tremendous stress, which could lead to some terrible mental problems. As recorded, a lot of gifted kids became psycho because of learning all day and night.  
  
In conclusion, I suppose that adults should help children allocate their free time properly as long as kids still have a balanced life.
Hello @TuyenVo  
  
I'm also preparing my IELTS, too. If you have time, please read some of my threads and it will be great, if you could help me to check them and give me some comments as well. Thanks.  
  
I think the essay above is a good essay. However I discovered some mistakes in your essay. Following are the mistakes.  
  
1. that need to be mentioned I think you could use "should be mentioned" because it sounds better.  
  
2. taking too much time spend  
  
3. learning all day and night burning midnight oil  
  
4. terrible mental problems illness  
  
Best wishes,
Your discussion format is incorrect. Your direct opinion is being asked for, this is not a comparative discussion. The point for discussion in the 2 reasoning paragraphs should have been based on:  
  
*How do you think children should spend their free time?*  
  
The choices for spending their free time being:  
- doing their homework  
- however the child wants to spend it  
  
These are the discussion considerations that led to the failure of your essay. The discussion you should have been defending, in a single opinion should have been taken from the aforementioned time spending activities. Your misunderstanding of the original prompt led to the incorrect prompt restatement and succeeding incorrect reasoning paragraphs. The correct paraphrase is:  
  
*There is an ongoing discussion pertaining to how kids should be utilizing their extra time. There are those that believe that youngsters are allowed too much time without doing anything productive. Others feel that the hours should be accounted for by addressing more educational requirements. I believe that children should be allowed to spend their non-academic time doing whatever they want.*  
  
Then, without falling into the comparative discussion trap, you could have explained, in 2 reasoning paragraphs, why you believe children should be allowed to spend their free time doing what they want. Create a relationship between the belief that children are given too much free time and why you believe that time away from academics would be a good thing. Both reasoning paragraphs must support your point of view that children should have the freedom to spend their extra time any way they want.  
  
By the way, the opening and closing statements need to be 3-5 sentences long. That is the requirement for the paragraph format, regardless of its position in the presentation. So you fell short by 2-4 sentences in those sections. Remember to follow the sentence count next time. It will help increase your overall score. Just always remember that the opening and closing paragraphs are both composed of summarized information. The first takes information from the original prompt and the last, takes the data from the original topic, reasoning paragraphs, and a repeat of your opinion.
Hi @Osama0435,  
Thanks for your suggestion. I will read your essays and give recommendations if I could.  
  
Hi @Holt,  
I really appreciate your valuable advice. There are some useful ideas and words that I could apply to improve my essay.  
However, set aside the improper discussion format, how do you think about my lexical resource, grammar, and coherence and cohesion? Would you mind recommending me?  
  
Regards.
It is such a wonderful essay. However, there is some suggestion to improve your essay :  
1. You have not stated the clear statement in the introduction paragraph about how the children should spend their free time. It is essential as to outlining your discussion topic in the following body paragraph.  
  
2. The question does not ask you about the positive or negative impact, but it encourage you to think about the possible activities/ action to maximalize the freetime opportunity for the children.
## Toefl- question 2- writing section:

  
  
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People who organize their rooms neatly have a higher chance of succeeding. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.  
  
**My answer:**  
  
Many people believe that having a tidy room or office will help you to succeed because you will have a neat place to work or to study, and your brain will do not have a lot of distractions and be confused. I find myself in disagreement with this stance, and I will support my opinion by presenting several acceptable reasons.  
  
The first reason for my disagreement is that people who organize their rooms do not have a higher chance of succeeding because there is no relationship between success and a room organization. To be more precise, many brilliant people are successful in their job, but they have an unorganized office or apartment. For example, Anna Maria is an English Second Language teacher, and she is working with the Voice of America program. She mentioned in her interview that her desk is messy, and it has many papers, objects, and other things. She believes that having an untidy desk gives her more inspiration for her written books and articles, and she can become with new stories by seeing some unrelated objects on it.  
  
The second reason for my disapproval is that the process of organizing a room or an office will waste the time. Imagine that you are living alone in a big apartment. If you like to put everything in its place, you might spend at least one to two hours daily. Also, if you have important papers for your class and you put them away from your insight by using organizer book or on the book shelf, you will completely forget them, like what Americans say'' out of sight, out of mind''. So, you will not remember to prepare or study them.  
  
According to what I listed above, I can conclude that having an organized room or workplace does not mean that you will have a successful life and a brilliant life.  
  
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I am preparing for the Toefl exam and this question from the writing section-independent essay.  
Thanks in advance.
There is a misconception in your presentation. The prompt is not referring to a room or a work desk. It is merely referring to an organized room, in general. No specific room was indicated and yet in your discussion, you focused on an office work desk and an apartment. You also indicated that your discussion would focus on the effect of clutter on the brain because the brain will not have a lot of distractions and be confused. The topic for discussion is actually the rate of success that organized people achieve in their lives based on keeping a tidy or organized room.  
  
Your score for this essay could very well fall under the 1 mark due to the questionable responsiveness to the task. Again, the discussion is about "success in relation to organization of a room". However, your discussions only represent efficient work within a cluttered environment. So it does not properly address the task requirement for the discussion. The topic you chose to discuss is not covered by the original prompt.  
  
While your command of written English is acceptable, the problem you have relates to your comprehension skills or your ability to understand English discussion requirements. You should work on your comprehension skills so that you can more appropriately respond to the task requirements. You can do that by doing more English reading and explanation exercises before you continue with writing your TOEFL practice essays.
- I think you should mention the 2 ideas in the first paragraph that you will develop in the next paragraph before you start the discussion paragraph.  
  
- In the second paragraph, you should give an idea before giving a reason. for example, "a successful career and a neat room are something different and there is no causal relationship between them" then you can give a valued reason for this statement.  
  
- In the third paragraph, I only see your reasons without an example to support your statement. According to the instructions in this question "Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion"  
  
- In the last paragraph, you should strengthen your statement by writing a brief reason that has been explained before, it would be better if there is an implication from the conclusion paragraph. For example, "the successful career was not always reflected in how a person organizes a neat room, the valued reason that can influence it is hard work and perseverance to reach the life goals"
## The development of tourism contributed to english becoming the most prominent languange in the world.

  
  
***Some people think this will lead to English becoming the only languange spoken globally. What are the advantages to having one languange in the world?***  
  
Massive growth of international tourism directly affected to the widely spoken langanguge in the world, English, that promoted as only language used worldwide. However, having one form of language to communicate brings a merit, as it could be the connecting dot between two distinct culture, while it might drives some drawback that lead into local language rarity.  
  
English as the prominent languge to be internationally spoken help in incresing understanding among contries. The people might have terminology sameness when they conducting such a bussines which can deteriorate miscommunication. What is the implication? It is clearly seen that the profitable relationship will be established between those countries. For instance, Japan is a renowned country which preserve the Japanese languange in daily basis for their citizen since they were a kids, yet English will be introduced and being encouraged when the people admitting higher education as to maximalize the economic chances in another country and share valuable research's result.  
  
On the other hand, promoting English as the one-fit-all languange might lurking a danger for the native spoken language and erase the culture as well. The most common reason for the foreign tourist visiting rich culture site is they intend to learn the diversity especially the language and culture. Therefore, if those dissapering time to time, it will lead into marked less interest to spend leisure time to this place which influence the local's economy as well. For instance, Bali is a well known region in Indonesia which always practicing Ngaben as the funeral ritual and ceremony before the people's ashes will be scattered in the ocean. It attracts the foreign tourist to photograph this unusual occassion.  
  
In conclusion, while there will be abundant of advantages offered, it also possible problems served if English become one global language. Thus, the society should be aware to practice their own language everday, while the tend to be a bilingual as to ensure the culture exsistance in long run.
The essay asks you to discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of having one global language. Therefore, your approach to the essay is correct. This is an A/D essay. One paragraph for each discussion point. The problem, is that you overwrote in the essay. You should not go beyond 275-290 words. You avoid making more scoring errors when you write within that word count. You should not be trying to write too many English sentences when you are obviously not yet proficient in English writing. The less words you write, the lesser the risk of multiple errors. Write within that word range and you will find that you still have time to review your work, catch your errors (spelling, grammar, vocabulary, punctuation usage), correct the errors, and maximize your scoring potential.  
  
You should not just write for the sake of writing. The IELTS test scores you heavily on the clarity of your sentences and paragraphs. Your paragraphs are not going to receive a passing mark based on the scoring requirements for clarity and coherence. You are trying to simply translate word for word from your native tongue to English. That is why the words you have chosen to use in English do not flow naturally, nor do they make sense to a native speaker once you have put the word choices together in a sentence / paragraph.  
  
If you do not say "On the one hand" in the prior paragraph, you should not say "On the other hand" in the next paragraph. It loses the comparative implication and connection between the two paragraphs. In fact, you should avoid using such word fillers altogether. Simply use topic sentences. In this instance, start one with an advantage topic and the next with the disadvantage, or vice versa. Make every word you write count. Do not use fillers that will not push your scores higher overall.  
  
Look, this is your first IELTS test so I will not be too hard on you. I'll start with the obvious problem in your writing instead. That is, your presentations lack clarity. It is difficult for the reader to understand what you are trying to say because of your bad word choices and sentence structure. Next time, use simple vocabulary, use simple sentences for the presentation. You don't need to aim too high. The point of this test is to show that you can express yourself clearly in English to a native speaker. Focus on sentence development exercises. You need it. Those exercises will help you learn how to write coherent sentences. It may not be concise at first, but at least it will be understandable in the long form. Start there and work your way up to short but clear sentences.
- I think you wrote the body paragraph 2 in irrelevance because you are actually discussing more other local culture such as Ngaben in Bali. You should discuss more the scarcity of local languages due to people use too much English in the local area so that's why the local language becomes forgotten, as you have said in the introduction paragraph that is "it might drive some drawback that leads to local language rarity".  
  
Therefore, the example presented in body paragraph 2 should be about the scarcity of the local language in a region.  
  
- However, you are giving an idea which is outside the instructions, the question was what are the advantages of using English as a global language. The second idea about the scarcity of local languages was totally a negative impact. Here is a reference idea from me:  
  
"However, having one form of language to communicate brings merit, as it could be the connecting dot between two distinct cultures, in addition, it will more likely increase the opportunities of someone from a non-English speaking country to enhance their career to an international level"