dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello guys, this is an essay I've written recently. I hope you guys can give me a remark on my writing. Thanks a lot!  
  
## IELTS Task 2 - Young people commiting crime

  
  
***Crimes committed by young people are increasing in major cities throughout the world. Discuss the causes and how to solve this problem.***  
  
In this day and age, the increasing rate of young people embarking on crimes is becoming a pressing concern. In this essay, I will enlist possible factors triggering this problem and recommend some measures to alleviate it.  
  
There are many causes contributing to the alarming percentage of young criminals. First of all, it can be attributed to the lack of attention and appropriate education from parents. Some of them are in the habit of overindulging their children or giving little care to their social awareness, creating an opportunity for bad behaviours to form. Moreover, the boom of Internet and social networking sites can be seen as a culprit. This leads to the unbridled spread of deleterious thoughts and beliefs implanted in young people and incite them to committing crime.  
  
Effective solutions should be taken to mitigate this issue. First, a joint effort from parents and schools should be made to keep detrimental behaviours away from children. Enlightening campaigns to raise their awareness of crimes should be conducted at school while parents can keep a stricter way of education and make immediate interventions when potential signs of crimes are detected. Furthermore, it is crucial that authorities should control the flow of information on the Internet. For example, they can hire Internet experts to keep track of posts, videos and pages spreading moral deterioration and delete them as soon as possible.  
  
In conclusion, there are a variety of factors resulting in a climb in the number of young criminals. It is of paramount importance that steps should be taken from many sides to prevent the situation from spiralling out of control.
The restatement is not related to the original presentation. The real topic makes a statement about worldwide crime rates. It never infers that the subject is a pressing concern. The prompt restatement is a failure. As far as the whileis s is concerned, the required discussion topic outline that establishes the writer's opinion is also not represented. The restatement + personal opinion paragraph does not deliver the correct response format. The topic is incorrect as well. This paragraph is non-passing which means, the essay will start from a failing base score. This essay is not going to recieve a passing end score.  
  
The paragraphs lose cohesiveness and coherence due to the improper discussion development. To create the best presentation use the following format:  
  
Sentence 1: Cause  
Sentence 2: Reason  
Sentence 3: Related solution  
Sentence 4: Implementing explanation  
Sentence 5: Supporting explanation / Example  
  
Use the format twice using different representing topics. 1 topic covering cause and solution per paragraph will meet the C + C requirements.
## Advantages and disadvantages of changing jobs

  
  
with the progression in all aspects. A host of humans, in order to get rich, desire to change their jobs to earn as much as possible. However, it's not facile to conduct this. Because of this arduous problem, you must attempt to overcome it. In this essay, I will discuss the pros and cons of changing jobs.  
  
Let's begin by looking at the positive aspects of changing jobs. One of the major advantages is definitely increased pay and promotion opportunities. For instance, if you feel undervalued at your current job, it can affect your morale and your ability to perform at your highest level. Moving to a new job might be the best way to transfer to the next stage in your career. Secondly, changing your job can allow you to broaden your horizons. What I mean by this is that you can make new friends and obtain new experiences. From that, you can become more rounded as a person.  
  
Turning to another side of the argument, the disadvantage that you might be faced with is starting a new life from scratch. You might embark with no experience. Furthermore, to be uncomplicated, you must adapt to conditions, people, and so on.  
  
In conclusion, there are clearly both ups and downs to changing jobs. While doing this can be a chance to improve your life, for many people there would be a challenge to cope with. If you got the right attitude, changing careers would be a huge success in your life.
The first paragraph starts off as highly confusing since the opening sentence is hanging, with a verb but without a subject. It also goes against general English writing rules since the first word was not capitalized. There is also an over usage of inappropriate advanced vocabulary. The chosen words are not part of everyday English use.  
  
It also uses the pronoun "you" which is not really acceptable since the reference pronoun suggested is first rather than second person. There is no clear opinion provided via a 2 topic reasoning summary either. The prompt restatement and personal opinion paragraph are not correctly presented to the examiner.  
  
The writer has a consistent GRA error where he keeps referring to a second person (you) when the pronoun usage requirement is "I" and its variations since the instruction is to *"Give reasons for **your** answer and include any relevant examples from **your** own knowledge or experience."* The keyword of the instruction being " **your**", indicating a first pronoun use throughout the essay. There will be score reductions as the writer does not reflect an understanding of pronoun applications in essay writing.
1. The first paragraph has too many sentences which are meaningless and don't fit in the situation of the paragraph and the essay itself, by putting inappropriate words, the writer will surely get a failing score. Moreover, the purpose of the first paragraph is to paraphrase the topic and give out what you are going to say.  
  
2. The structures of the second paragraph are highly wrong, you should follow the steps in each body  
**main point - support - example - minor point - support/example**  
  
3. The third paragraph is too short to be a proper, well-constructed part of the essay. Same above, you should apply those steps.
***Nowadays, live performances such as concerts and recitals are no longer necessary since these can be viewed online.***  
## Do you agree or disagree?

  
  
The lockdowns brought about by the global pandemic have greatly impacted the music industry forcing them to explore and expand online platforms to share their artistry which was well-received by the public.  
  
To begin, unlike in a live performance, the sound that will be heard and the images that will be seen would greatly be different, depending on the quality of equipment used by both the production and the user, as well as the processing capacity of the streaming sites. With the numerous processes undergone by the sound and images before it reaches the eyes and ears of the audience, the resulting experience will vary for each viewer. For instance, a person with a high-end speaker and strong internet connection will be able to listen with better sound clarity and watch on a higher resolution than someone with budget earphones and a lagging internet. This will result in an inconsistent individual experience.  
  
What makes it less ideal is the lack of actual interaction not only for the fans but also for the performers. The authenticity of attending shows for most concert-goers, on one hand, is to be able to see artists up close and if fortunate enough, be able to converse with them through words or actions which is not possible in an online stream, although there could be opportunities to virtually interact like live chat rooms and shoutouts. On the other hand, for entertainers, it is the validation that they can receive through claps, for example, and other means that can only be possible in a live setting. Consequently, both sides would not be able to fully enjoy the experience.  
  
In conclusion, since the accuracy and genuineness of artistic concerts are greatly impacted and vary, it is clear that live performances are still essential and relevant despite the availability of virtual platforms.
The opening paragraph fails to represent the interpretation of the original prompt as required by the task. The writer does not respond to the discussion question either. The introduction via restatement and opinion sharing has failed to accomplish the expected format considerations and response structure. The preliminary score will be failing since the introduction has altered the discussion requirements from the original prompt. An established restatement and opinion were not presented at the start, nor was it presented at the end. The essay is definitely going to receive a failing score for not adhering to the examination regulations for this task.  
  
Let me be clear though, the discussion paragraphs are on point, coherent, and cohesive. Those will receive full scoring marks as deemed fit by the examiner. However, well developed reasoning paragraphs cannot help achieve a passing score when the prompt considerations were not properly represented at the beginning and end of the presentation. The failing score could have been offset a bit had he indicated a relevant and direct response to the question provided in both sections.
@Holt  
Thank you for your feedback. Would it be able to directly answer the question had I put the one below instead?  
In this age of the Internet and social media, engaging with a wider range of audience has never been easy and more affordable. Numerous industries such as media networks, food businesses and retailers, have even started to shift to a fully digital business model. With the rising popularity of virtual concerts on various streaming online platforms, it is imperative to reexamine the value of live performances, and whether it is still a necessity.
## the number of shop closures and openings

  
  
The line graph illustrates how many shops closed or opened their businesses from 2011 to 2018 in a particular country.[/b]  
  
Overall, there was a downward trend in both the number of shop closures and openings in the reporting period, with the figure for shop inauguration saw a massive decrease. In addition, the number of shop openings hit its lowest point in 2015, while the other was in 2018.  
  
The number of shop openings started at 9000 in 2011, after which it experienced a sharp dip to 4000 in 2012, following a slight rebound just above 6000 in 2014. To a lesser extent, the figure for shops being shut down began at 6500, going through a small drop to 6000 in 2012, experiencing some fluctuations from 2012 to 2014 and ending at roughly 6000.  
  
There were only about 500 shops being wound up in 2015 - a significant fall compared to 2014. After that, the figure rose substantially in 2016 and remained steady approximately 5000 until 2018. The figure for shop openings followed an almost identical pattern, which took a dip in 2015 and arrived at the same statistic in 2012, plateauing from that year to 2017, and eventually sank to 3,000 in 2018.  
  
(205 words)
The trending paragraph is no longer a trending paragraph. It turned into a report already due to the over-information and comparative discussion provided in the section. Therefore, the essay will be deemed only partially format compliant and receive TA deductions due to the lack of a proper trending statement or correctly formatted trending paragraph. Say less in the trending statement. Play safe and discuss only 1 trend to establish the presentation requirement. The rest of the comparison can be made in the reporting paragraphs.  
  
Even though the essay is over the maximum 200 word requirement, it cannot possibly gain a passing score because of the lack of grammar range in the presentation. The paragraphs have a standard requirement of 3-5 sentences. Any less than that, 2 sentence presentations, are not considered properly developed paragraphs. There is a lack of proper analysis in the presentation. There is no real mix of simple, complex and compound sentences, only run-on sentences, which will result in a failing GRA score.  
  
\*I did not access the image link due to forum rules disallowing access to exterior links. We will not be responsible for any malicious coding or malware that may have accidentally attached to the link that could damage or infect the computers of the other users here. Next time, upload the image to the server for safety purposes. If an image link is provided a second time, no advice will be provided anymore.
***It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

  
  
It is argued that there will be a loss of traditional cultures because of technology developments. Technology is not able to get along with traditional cultures. I personally agree with this statement because the convenient aids of technology and its modern definitions of problems can deter traditional beliefs.  
  
On the one hand, communication culture recently has been aided with the convenience of the new technology. In recent years, people have had more opportunities to communicate with others through Internet. This is because there is neither distance boundary nor time-consuming wait. For instance, an email is immediately sent and received by a person which the writer aims to, without concerns about how far-reaching distance of the receiver is or whether the receiver can read this email or not. By this way, it is obvious that writing letters, which is a common way of communication to others as traditional culture, has become an inconvenient way of sending messages to others who are in far-reaching places.  
  
Moreover, there are various contemporary notions of the world contrast to traditional beliefs. With the development of various open-mind lectures on social networking sites, marriage culture is gradually considered as an independent choice of each person, which is not accepted by the traditional marriage culture in the past, parents depend on every aspect of life of their offspring. Furthermore, in recent years, human being have been more open-minded about LGBT phenomenon by some gender campaigns produced on Internet. As a case in point, two girls or two boys can get married with each other under the acknowledgement of some developed nations, they are even received numerous blesses from people around the world by updating their marriage videos on Youtube. As a result, the disappearance of traditional cultures is inevitable as if they are still upheld by any old-fashioned mind, this person will probably be left behind the development of society.  
  
To conclude, I personally agree with the statement that traditional cultures will be disappeared by the virtue of technology develops because the appearance of many modern notions and the convenience that technology has brought to civilization.  
  
*Dear mentor, can you give which band of my writing is? (in IELTS criteria) Thanks in advance. I really appreciate*
The prompt restatement is acceptable, along with the thesis statement. However, the question response is not within the expected format. This is not a mere agree or disagree essay. This is a measured response + opinion statement. So, one cannot merely "personally agree" with the statement. The writer's opinion must indicate to what degree he agrees (fully, totally, extremely) in order to establish the strong opinion response the writing needs to score well.  
  
There is no comparison being made in the discussion since the writer cohesively discusses his opinion based on sound reasoning. A reference to "On the one hand" is unnecessary of there is no "On the other hand" comparative discussion present. Do not mix up the cohesive transition devices in the presentation. It creates a confusing presentation format and shows an unfamiliarity with the discussion requirements / formats based on various task directions.  
  
The same sex marriage example is incorrect as that is not a technology related discussion. A more appropriate technology based example would have been brick and mortar (traditional) banking as opposed to online (digital) banking and why traditional banking is no longer relevant in todays world.  
  
\*Contact me privately for scoring services. Thank you.
## Teaching as a Profession

  
  
Nowadays, with the development of all the facilities, people are likely to choose to work as an IT employee or an engineer, but not as a teacher, due to some issues, However, to solve this problem, I will analyze the possible reasons and then tackle this phenomenon.  
  
Let's start off by looking at some reasons. In my view, two factors we can easily see are salary and education rules. For starters, lecturers' monthly salaries are lower than those of other jobs, and they are unable to completely adapt to their lives. Not only are the earnings low, but also the stipulate conducted by the government. In Vietnam, for example, some rules state the tutor cannot use corporal punishment, giving the student leverage to be rude and misbehave in class. From that, most pedagogues tend to teach either primary or university-level pupils.  
  
On the other hand, some corrective actions can be sufficient to help mentor and educate senior year pupils by increasing their monthly wages. In addition, an administrator needs to help some professors by adding benefits for them, particularly in a rented house, food, etc. Secondly, in middle school, very bad-mannered students are often turned down by enforcing rigorous rules within schools. For instance, in Singapore, if the scholar infringes, they will be penalized with community service. Worse yet, they will be expelled from school.  
  
Finally, teaching has become much less popular in many countries. I believe that the primary responsibility for resolving this issue lies with parents and the government.
The prompt restatement is highly inaccurate. The given opening sentence is a writer's opinion, which is not represented in the original prompt. The discussion is about the lack of teachers in secondary schools. Something that the writer has totally skipped in his prompt restatement. The rephrasing is therefore an immediate failure. Then, the writer once again, fails to establish his thesis statement for his opinion response. He will not receive any scoring consideration for merely repeating the discussion instructions. The writer has already failed a major part of this test that will ensure he is not going to get a passing mark for the written task.  
  
The writer also continues to show a lack of control over simple English sentence structures. He offers confusing statements by not using everyday English words. The discussion does not have a coherent and cohesive flow because of his improper focus on using advanced English words. If he cannot focus on overall sentence presentation improvement, then using big English words will be useless since the LR section is only 1 part of the scoring consideration.  
  
There are too many sentence fillers in the paragraphs as well. Rather than using topic sentences, he tries to over extend the discussion merely to meet the word count. Which he barely met since he only wrote 254 words when he should write at least 275 words to highlight his English writing skills. Even with the low word count, he failed to properly discuss the essay anyway. So the word count, whether meeting the requirement or not, did not help his overall score.  
  
Written text must focus on discussion clarity. The discussion does not keep the topic focus. His later paragraphs show a topic discussion deviation that is no longer connected to the secondary school education teacher discussion. Which will be a major reason for additional failing scores.
## IELTS writing task 2 - Essay about Multitasking

  
  
***Some people say that doing multiple tasks at the same time can be beneficial. However, others are against this view.  
Discuss both views and give your own opinion***  
  
People have different views about the advantages that multitasking brings back. While there are some strong arguments oppose this view. I would argue that it is better to complete one task at a time.  
  
There are several reasons why it might be considered beneficial to cope with two or more problems at the same time. Obviously, it saves a lot of hours. Doing parallel works would minimize the necessary time to finish them, and this can help people to achieve their goals in a speedily manner. Moreover, ability to juggle with tasks can train the mind and improve flexibility. When solving a huge workload simultaneously, it taxes the brain have to figure out how to approach issues efficiently, adjust the strategy, and as result, it assist people to adapt to vary circumstance.  
  
However, I agree with those who argue that doing multiple tasks at the same time is advantageous. Although it increase the productivity, quality of work is diminished significantly. Moving from task to task actually drags your progress and increases the odds of making mistakes, this mean it will influence negatively on your work or academic performance. In addition, multitasking also cause many health issues. If people multitask for a long time, it can effect their brain's ability to retain information and lead to some mental diseases, namely stress, anxiety and more.  
  
In conclusion, while there are some reasons to believe that managing with works together is helpful, my own view is that people should focus on one task at a time.
brings back  
Incorrect reference. This phrase indicates "a return" or " to return" Removing the word "back" creates the correct reference as "brings" means "to carry, convey, conduct, or cause" which is the sentence implication.  
  
The reasoning paragraphs are both written from a personal point of view when the comparative discussion format requires the writer to provide a public reference supporting the given opinions. Only after clearly referencing the public consideration should the personal opinion come into play. Therefore, the discussion presentation is incorrect. It does not effectively deliver the expected comparison considerations.  
  
That said, the examiner will still provide scoring considerations overall. The problem is that the wrong discussion format will prevent full score applications.
## benefits of traditional celebrations

  
  
Living in a modern world, tradition has either symbolic meanings or significant importance to society. Therefore, a large number of traditional festivals are celebrated annually around the world. This essay will discuss the importance of traditional festivals.  
  
First of all, during a celebration, people gather together with others. Annually, everyone takes a chance to meet their relatives, children visit their grandparents, neighbours and come together and celebrate. For example, in Vietnam, on the Tet holiday, people come back to their hometown and wish their relatives a good year. These yearly traditional festivals allow people to gather happily and enjoy themselves together and this promotes integration between people and people.  
  
On the other hand, traditional festivals also play a crucial role in society. Celebrations are not only a good time for all people to know more about their cultures, customs, traditions, and religion but also a good occasion for the schools to organize their extra - curriculum so that the students can have more opportunities to understand more about their countries' tradition. Furthermore, experiencing their cultures can help them understand the importance of it and preserve, maintain their traditional celebrations. For instance, in North Korea, there is a day that all of the citizens have to go to Kim Jong-il square to pay respect to the colossal leader, everyone who does not come to that festival will be charged strictly.  
  
To conclude, I wanna emphasize the benefits of traditional celebrations because they congregate people together and make them know and preserve their culture. Furthermore, they reflect the civilization of an ethnicity.