dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@manhmoc  
*Hi there!*  
  
Firstly, I recommend that you try to evade repetitions within a paragraph/sentence. For instance, take a look at your first paragraph. You had mentioned the word human and nature a few times, although you had used different forms. What I suggest is trying to rationalize and prioritize which words you feel as though are important. Having that sense of standardization will help you create leverage.  
  
IELTS exams require you to work within confined and very specific word counts. This means that you should focus on ensuring that you optimize the space that you have. Omitting unnecessary terminologies would be a great start for this.  
  
**Let's take a look at your essay and analyze it from this viewpoint.**  
  
As much as humans have a reliance on nature, it's ironic how we barely recognize its significance. There are several explanations and solutions for this paradox.  
  
The lack of appreciation towards nature can be attributed to a few causes. Firstly, there is the increase in technological developments. Due to insufficient education, people choose to take advantage of the environment through exhausting its resources to garner short-term benefits; this is all for personal satisfaction. [...]  
  
Notice how when you remove particular terminologies, you are not necessarily changing the entirety of the text. Rather, you are still relaying the same thoughts but without the rigid details.  
  
*Try to keep these in mind as you are writing. Best of luck as always!*
I will be very grateful if anyone can help me correct my essay. Thank you so much !!  
  
## IELTS WRITING TASK 2 : Internet development

  
  
**Question**: In the modern world it is possible to shop, work, communicate with people via Internet and live without any face-to-face contact with others. Is it a positive or negative development in your opinion?  
  
**My essay:**  
  
Nowadays, with the burgeoning development of science and technology, Internet has gained in popularity with almost everyone and it creates a tendency to connect with people by social network instead of having direct interaction. From my perspective, everything has two sides including beneficial merits and detrimental demerits.  
  
On the one hand, it is undeniable that Internet communication enjoys a wide range of advantages. First of all, it brings us so much tremendous convenience that we can be all connected no matter where we are. With just a click of the mouse or a touch on the screen, our demand for communication is met. Moreover, due to this handiness, we can save money and cut costs. For instance, instead of boarding the car or the bus to go to the meeting, people is able to stay at home and come together by media network. On top of that, it gives us a bunch of chances to form new relationships, make more friends around the globe. Interrnet creates a bridge between people so as to help people become much closer together.  
  
On the other hand, there can also be certainly pernicious impacts brought by this phenomenon that are worth mentioning. First and foremost, social media makes peolple waste a large amount of time as well as have our eyes glued to the mobile phones. Hence, we can become addicted and affect seriously mental and physical health by the way we go to the bed late to read news or chat with friends... Another thing to mention is that people can immerse ourselves in virtual living and live far away from the real world. We will not have time for outdoor activities such as going out with family and friends. From that, people are likely to become isolated gradually and can have a disillusion as well as deteriorate real relationships.  
  
To sum up, it is apparent that the benefits overweigh the drawbacks of this phenomenon. Therefore, it is my strong recommendation that people should take the Internet into serious consideration and keep balance to use it properly and effectively.
Hi thaonguyen1st,  
  
- I think you misunderstood the term "Internet" with "social media", hence your use of "social media" as the subject being discussed rather than Internet use in general. I can shop at eBay and work on Freelancer's sites, which are not social media at all.  
  
- This essay heavily focused on communication (which I am doubtful about since the topic question stated shop, work and communicate). I think if this question had been analyzed under the perspective of shop-goers/owners, employees/ers, it'd have been much more comprehensive, relevant and refreshing (this is not required in IELTS writing though).
Hi thaonguyen1st,  
1. With just a click of the mouse or ...=> I love writing like this and love reading stuff like this, but to be honest it does sound like in a magazine, rather than in an essay.  
  
2. I think you write to much about communication. The topic asks us to discuss a LIFESTYLE in which we use the Internet to work to shop to chat....without really meeting people.  
  
But overall, you did a pretty good job. Keep going my friend.
## Ashdown Museum - travelers' expectations

  
  
The two pie charts compare travelers' expectations of Ashdown Museum before and after the improvement of infrastructure.  
Overall, with the increase in the number of visitors and the refurbishment, there is a positive change in the visitors' behavior when they visit this place  
  
Before refurbishment, exactly 15% of people find it very satisfied when they visit Ashdown Museum whereas the number of people who feel quite interested in coming in this museum is twice as many as the first category. However, after Ashdown Museum was refurbished, over a third of visitors highly satisfied with visiting the museum and the number of satisfied people accounts for 40%, makes it with the largest proportion in the survey.  
  
Before refurbishment, most of people have no sense of satisfaction with the service and infrastructure of Ashdown Museum, with 40%. 10% of travelers even feel very dissatisfied with this activity. Then, after the government had a plan to refurbish this place, the negative behavior towards the museum drops to 20%. In the research, the proportion of people having no comments about their trip is 5% , this figure keep stable through the period of time
@sherry14  
Hello there.  
  
It would be helpful if you could provide the pie charts alongside the text next time around in order to help us evaluate the analytical part of your essay.  
  
I would firstly recommend omitting unnecessary and irrelevant words in your essay. This will help you establish a more grounded writing style as you are able to be more concrete and straightforward with what you wish to happen. This will also help you use more productive phrases, optimizing the space you have for your essay. When you're working with word counts, this will enhance the depth of your writing.  
  
Be cautious of the structure of your essays as well. Incorporating the appropriate usage of punctuation, preposition, and word organization would help you in this.  
  
Additionally, make sure that you trim down your descriptive and filler words. This will help you create a more academic tone that'll be beneficial for the overall content that you have.  
  
Having said that, **let me revise** a few parts of your essay.  
  
Before refurbishment, ~~exactly~~ 15% of people find it ~~very satisfied~~ satisfying when ... Museum, whereas ... feel ~~quite~~ slightly interested ~~in~~ coming ~~in this museum~~ to the museum is twice... ~~However, a~~ After Ashdown ... of visitors were highly satisfied with visiting ~~the museum~~ and the number ... account~~s~~ed for 40%, ~~makes it ... the survey.~~ making it the largest proportion.  
  
*Best of luck.*
Hello all, I am preparing TOEFL test. Writing is always my weakness for a long time.  
Really glad to find a forum like here which everyone dedicate to each other to improve English ability together.  
  
## knowledge gained from experience versus gained from books

  
  
TOPIC: It has been said, "Not everything that is learned is contained in books." Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience with knowledge gained from books. In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?  
  
My Essay:  
  
People are learning from both books and experience. However, which way of knowledge acquiring, books or experience, is more important is still under discussion. Some assume that books can give one more imagination and burden their mind. Another think that experience can get the know-how and practice directly. In my perspective, learning from life experience is more crucial than reading content on the books.  
  
To begin with, there is an old saying that "Trusting all books is worse than no book". Books are not always accurate. Even the information were correct, it might be shift over into wrong and misleading information in the future through the advance of technology or in some situation. However, the experience happened on people are exactly how the real world works or suitable for his/her situation. For example, once I followed the receipt on the cooking book for making a dessert exactly. I didn't consider the difference between the equipment that the book used and the equipment I have, also, how the author's flavor behavior compare with mine. The result is, the dessert was totally failed. It was over baked and too sweet. What I learned by this experience is that, using books as a reference but do it with your own experience.  
  
Furthermore, learning from experience memorized by body muscle rather than cramming the knowledge with the brain. Books give only words which only using one sense of feeling, visual. On the other hand, experience brings individuals more sense of feelings, such as smelling, touching, or listening. Those feelings have great impacts when people want to invoke their memories. Taking learning how to ride a bike for an example, children just cross on the bike and learn the know-how. Instead of reading the book of "how to ride a bike", most people learning through observation, feeling, and practice. Experience lots of falling down and stand up. Eventually, we all learned this skill and never forget it.  
  
All in all, when it comes to learning, the knowledge gained from experience is way more vital than gained from books. It is more easily to call back memories to have a various sense of feelings, as well as the knowledge can be used in different conditions by learning from experience.
@tux543  
Hello there.  
  
Welcome to the forum. Let me try to help you with your essay.  
  
First and foremost, I think that you can work on the structure of your essay better. You have a tendency to ramble and lengthen your sentences unnecessary. This puts strain on the outlook of your content, making it seem as though it's exhausting to read. While complexity is generally good, not using the right techniques in crafting a sentence like this can be dragging.  
  
Secondly, always use appropriate forms of words when you are writing. Remember to write with consistency in your tone and forms. This will help you establish a more concrete  
  
Additionally, remember that you should always be cautious of your use of punctuation and preposition. These two things are often misused, so it's always helpful to refer back to your reference materials when you are writing.  
  
**Let's revise** a portion of your essay to give you an example.  
  
People ~~are~~ learn~~ing~~ from ~~both~~ books and experiences. However, which way of acquiring knowledge ~~acquiring~~~~, books or experience,~~ is more important is ~~still~~ under discussion. ... books can ~~give one more ... mind~~ be burdensome~~. Another~~, whereas others think that experience ~~can get the ... directly~~ lets you directly be exposed to practices. ..., learning ~~from life~~ through experience is ... content ~~on the books~~.  
  
Always evade the usage of repetitive words; this will not help you in the long-run. Because the subject at hand, reading and basing off from experience, were both aforementioned already, there's no need to continuously repeat them.  
  
*Best of luck as always.*
## silk workforce level over 100 years ago

  
  
Topic: the table shows the number of employees and factories producing silk in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
Link table: drive.google.com/file/d/1bN1Kakm812OcI3ntl5QQlne\_RNQC5d\_M/view?usp=sharing  
  
Answer  
The given table indicates information about how many workers and silk manufacturing factories in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901. Overall, there was a sharp decrease in the number of silk employers of two countries over the period and it can be seen from the table that more women were employed than men in this industry. Likewise, in spite of some small fluctuations, the figures for silk's factories increased over the 50 year period.  
  
With respect to the table, in 1851, the silk workforce accounted for the highest amount of employees with 137,500, including 76,786 female and 53,964 male. By contrast, the figures for silk factories was lowest, at only 272. However, after a decade, the number of silk manufacture factories experienced a tripled grow, surged to 761, while there was a substantial decline of over than 20000 people in total workers.  
  
Over the followings 40 years, the total number of male and female employed in silk industry of England and Wales witnessed an enormous fall, plummeted to 13375 and 25567, respectively. Meanwhile, the number of silk factories in these 2 countries declined over 40 years, falling to 623 at the end of the period.  
  
Wordcount: 196  
  
Hello,  
Please help me to mark my essay and give me some feedback with a band score.  
Thank you so much ^^
@chickenbound  
Hi there!  
  
First and foremost, please do optimize your essay. I have told this to quite a number of people on the forum already, but make certain that you omit words that you can omit. Doing this will save you space to actually have fruitful discussions on ideas that truly need to be discussed. This, in return, will give more depth to your essay.  
  
While it may feel as though using numerous transition and filler words add complexity to your essay, it's not necessarily applicable across the board. Remember that you should be writing with the intent of having more direction to your content. This means that you can incorporate other techniques in writing that'll help you determine what words to use - and what words you can avoid.  
  
In terms of your interpretation of the data, I would only suggest trying to focus more on the analysis rather than simply describing. What you may also do is do both the analytical and descriptive parts of the essay, enabling you to have more dynamism in your writing. What I have noticed is that you had a vacuum of analysis in the initial parts, however you lost traction of maintaining it on the latter portions.  
  
Let me try to revise the first parts of the essay for you.  
  
The ~~given~~ table indicates  ~~information about how many~~ the number of workers and silk ... Overall, there was a ~~sharp~~ decrease ... employers ~~of two countries~~ over the period; ~~and~~  it can be seen ~~from the table~~ that more women ... ~~Likewise, i~~ In spite of ..., the figures ~~for silk's~~ of factories increased over the ~~50 year~~ period.  
  
Best of luck in your writing.
## proportion of teachers in both genders

  
  
The chart below shows the percentage of male and female teachers in six different types of educational setting in the UK in 2010.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (This is the topic for task 1)  
I have attached the image.  
  
The double bar chart depicts the differences in the proportion of teachers in both genders in six separate kinds of educational level in the U.K in 2010. Overall, the higher the educational program was, the bigger percentage in the number of males partaking in these settings, contrary to their females counterparts.  
  
With regards to the group with the biggest variation between the two sexes in nursery pre-school and primary school, the proportion of female accounted for nearly 100%, which was approximately ten times higher than the opposite gender. As for the educational level with a relatively distribution, secondary school and private training institution, the percentage of men made up a half in the former group while that of women constituted the same proportion in the latter level.  
  
There was an even distribution in terms of college, between males and females. As for the highest educational level, the year 2010 witnessed the domination of men made up 70%, which was 50% higher compared to those who were in the contrary gender.  
  
I appreciate all the help <3  
  
*
@Thykeppy  
Hi there!  
  
Welcome to the forum.  
  
In comparison to most that I have observed and given comments to on the forum, I can say that that your work is well-written. Great job on this. Most of my commentaries on this would therefore be focusing more on helping you create more optimal structures that'll enhance the outlook of your essay.  
  
My fundamental suggestion to you is that you should omit lines and words that you do not necessarily need. You have to learn how to prioritize your content, especially because you are confined within word counts. In addition to this, try using more appropriate and relevant punctuation when you are writing; this will make your essay appear more polished.  
  
Looking at what you have now, **let me revise** a few parts.  
  
~~With regards to the group with t~~The biggest ... two sexes ~~in~~ is observed in nursery ... school~~,~~- with females accounting for nearly 100%  ~~the proportion of ... gender~~. ... a relatively even distribution, ... men made up ~~a~~ half ~~in~~ of the former group ~~while that of~~ whereas women constituted ...  
  
Best of luck in your writing.
Hi guys.  
  
My essay:  
  
It was actually interesting to talk about my delighted days that I forget these meaningful days in Nha Trang yet. After I had completed my work, I got a short rest alongside with my co-workers, so this trip became more fantastic and blissful without my active kids. That said, Nha Trang is a modern city and busy at much, so I had to spent nearly all days in my inn to take only a handful of photos, enjoy seafood, drink some jam, and have a fantastic buffet in the evening together with a skillful band that I never see before. After that, in the early morning, I made use of time to around the beach, saw the sunrise, thought about my career and my cozy family still, and indeed, I found myself like the best version of myself at this point. In addition, in the end of trip, I bought a handful of gifts, took a group photo, talked to Nha Trang I love it so much. Honestly, Nha Trang becomes a part of my mind, which give me more experience for my hard live make me recording over the moon moments. All in all , I will return here with my own family, rain or shine.  
  
I'll will be really happy if anyone helps me. Thank you guys so much.
@Cozy19s  
Hello there!  
  
Because you only have two hundred words, using *essay optimization techniques* would help you have more depth in your writing. There are multiple ways to go about this. For one, you can omit unnecessary and irrelevant words, causing you to focus only on content that you *actually* need to establish your points in your essay. Remove filler words as well. Afterwards, you can focus on elaborating your thoughts through simpler structures. This does not mean that you cannot use complex sentences - rather, this means that you should evade dragging your sentences in an exhausting manner.  
  
Try to observe how I revise to show you what I mean by these comments.  
  
It was ~~actually~~ interesting to ... that I ~~forget these ... Trang yet~~ have forgotten how meaningful Nha Trang is. After I ~~had~~ completed my work, I ~~got a short~~ took a rest ~~alongside~~ with my co-workers~~, so this trip ... kids~~. ~~That said,~~ Nha Trang is a modern and busy city ~~and busy at much~~, so I had ~~to~~ spent ~~nearly all~~ my days in ~~my~~the inn to take ~~only~~ a handful of ..., drink ~~some~~  jam, and ~~have~~eat at a fantastic ... ~~together with a ... before.~~, listening to a band.  
  
Notice the changes I have made.  
  
I hope I helped. *Best of luck in your writing*!
## the numbers of elderly people in three countries

  
  
In this figure, the proportion of population aged 65 and over was shown. There are three countries contained: Japan, Sweden, and USA. The proportions of those three countries are all positive; however, the ranking was not always the same.  
  
From 1940 to 1980, the proportion of USA was the largest in the three countries. Sweden was the next, and Japan's was smallest. But between 1980 and 2000, Sweden's became larger than any other country. The proportion of USA was still larger than Japan. Finally, Japan's proportion took the highest place in 2030s. The point deserved to be focus is that the proportion of Japan had a dramatic increase in 2030s. It came from the bottom, and took the first place. It was incredible. Also, the increasing proportion of USA seems flat when compared with other two countries. This figure presented the increasing proportion of the three countries, and the different ranking of those countries.
@Annie Chen  
Hello there. *Welcome* to the forum!  
  
Like what has already been mentioned, including the figure next time will help us assess your writing. That being said, I'll focus on the technicalities of your writing because it's quite tough to determine mishaps in your content without the figure visible.  
  
Ensure that the forms of your words are appropriately correlated. What this means is making certain that the forms of the words you are using are consistent across your writing. If you're using past tense, stick with it. These may be small mistakes, but it can dramatically impact the overall flow of your essay, considering that it's a vital and fundamental part of writing.  
  
Please do recheck your prepositional phrases. I have noticed that you have a tendency to misuse this form of speech as well. In line with that, it can also be beneficial if you could look over your usage of punctuation. Notice how you have hanging phrases that do not have specific directions to them - this is mostly due to the misuse (or lack of) of preposition. Once you get this out of the way, it would be better for your content in its entirety.  
  
Let me revise the first lines to show you what I mean.  
  
~~From~~Between 1940 ~~to~~and 1980, the ~~proportion of~~ USA was the largest ~~in~~of the three countries. Sweden ~~was the~~ came next, ~~and Japan's was smallest~~ followed by Japan. ~~But~~However, between 1980 and 2000, Sweden~~'s~~ became the large~~r~~st ~~than any other country~~. ~~The proportion of USA was still larger than Japan.~~  
  
Some portions of interpretation are already given. For instance, because there are only three countries, there's no need for to mention repeatedly how they fall in line with each other. This can be omitted therefore. Determining these phrases is critical in writing long-form.  
  
Best of luck.