dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Hi Sarlinda.**  
  
*In this moment, I am gonna concentrate on contents of your writing. Before I review your essay deeply, I wanna remember that you have limited time to finish writing task 2 so that you should not write more than 300 words. This is not about the quantity, but the quality of the writing. More you produce the words, more you have the probability to make faults.*  
  
Today, business is the one's tool of people ~~earns~~ TO EARN money~~,~~ ; However~~,~~ ; as the way ~~for~~ TO earn money,  
the firm in products or services ~~which~~*(When you wanna omit the conjunction, you conduct totally)* produced is number one.  
  
I have been seen some examples of business collapsed because of not given customer wants  
Honestly, I have not got the answer to the question given. I think you displayed the introduction far of the prompts. Please, you make it systematically. First, you have to show your opinion about that. If you agree with the statement, you provide supporting sentences to encourage your view. After that, you give the concession to strengthen yours. Actually, in the body paragraph, it is enough to be included 4 sentences. Your first body paragraph is so crowded, but you passed the prompts.  
  
he will become greedy for spending their capitals  
*Be careful to mention HE or SHE in the essay. It will seem the discrimination for certain gender.*  
*Generally, the essay consists 4 paragraphs. You should separate the conclusion in the different paragraph with the body.*  
  
He has built some laundry service in around ...  
*it is better if you include the scientific fact in your essay to support your vantage point. You told readers about the person's experience, but they do not know him. It will seem like the layman's opinion. You should order the example of the person well-known.*  
  
*Hopefully, you can read a large number of examples of essay so that you get the points of the essential elements in the essay.  
practice more and more  
Good Luck,  
^\_^*
Hi  
...is the people's tool for earning money  
as the way for earning money  
as a priority of behind the business= it is not clear what you want to say  
with the statements  
the most important aim~~s~~  
of establishing a business is  
is not thefinancial benefits  
I have ~~been~~ seen some examples  
business collaps~~ed~~  
for not giving what customers want  
maximum profit~~able~~  
some laundry services  
~~in~~ around ~~of~~ his residence place  
laundry business is very appropriate for his  
  
First, I think it is better for you to study some examples (in this site ) and then start writing a new essay.  
  
Best wishes
Aloha Sarlinda, here are my thoughts;  
  
(1) ~~Today~~these days , business is the ~~one's tool of people~~ one of people's ways to ~~earns money~~make a living .~~, However, as the way for earn money,~~thus, some people occasionally only ~~make~~become money as a priority ...  
  
(make your sentence easy to read but still strong)  
(2) In this case, I disagree with ~~the statements. I think~~this statement because the most important (...) is not only money but also the ~~utilized~~use of the firm in products or services ~~which produced is number one~~ .  
  
(3) I have been seen some examples of business ...[/b]  
(in this paragraph, I am hard to understand where your main idea is. This is because you precisely mention your personal experience without introducing what you want to say in this paragraph. I hope you can write this better)  
  
I hope you have any time to edit your essay, keep writing
HELLO, here are my suggestions for you  
  
... one's tool of people [TO] earn~~s~~ money, However, as the way for earn [EARNING ] money, s...  
  
... business collapsed because ~~of~~ [they did not give ] ~~not given~~ customer wants.  
  
... businessman who traps of ~~money~~ profitable mindset by his business,...  
... his residence places, he ~~believes~~ [believed>> because you retell the past story ] that laundry business very appropriate with his neighborhood who [are ] always busy or major ...  
  
At the last, the customers ~~should be~~ move[D ] to other places ...  
  
... or strategy for sustain[able ] the customers intends ...  
On the other hand, there ~~are~~ will be ~~there~~ any competitor[s ] in the same core ...  
... due to those reasons, ~~to sum up~~ > redundant , my opinion is ...  
  
Keep practising and GLUCK:D
Hello linda i will give you suggestion:  
  
Be careful your sentence  
I have ~~been~~ seen some examples of ...  
  
In the introductory sentence, I know what you opinion, you give good explanation. But for the next description you just focus on "The purpose of businesses is to make money" I think it will be good if the next paragraph you explain about why "they should concentrate only on this situation". And make it conclusion.  
  
Actually, I am little confuse your explanation in paragraph 2
**Writing Task II (November 1, 2016)  
  
The use of electronic media has negative effects on personal relationships between people.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Today, the electronic media usage of common people become an essential thing in their life. However, the people seemingly become depending on electronic media usage as a part of their necessary all the time in every day. Because of benefits an electronic media usage, inconstantly were influenced the people keep their relationship of each other. Somehow, I believe the presence of the electronic media gave us many advantages outweigh any drawbacks.  
  
At present, along with the people activities became more variance and multitasking, the electronic media usage can be the tools for help the people keep their relationship by remote communication with their colleagues. For example, the students whose studying abroad certainly far away with their families. So in this condition, a mobile phone as the electronic media can be the tool in communication with family in other place or with remote people.  
  
Moreover, today the electronic media such as mobile phone, laptop and notebook were launched with any features which supporting communication becomes easier and flexible because the people now can download any features of social media applications by their electronic media. For example, a mobile phone or notebook which complete with online access and social media applications such as LINE or Skype can possibly the students keep communication face to face with their relatives by gadgets.  
  
To sum up, I completely disagree with statements that said the electronic media has a negative impact on our relationship, due to I think the electronic media is very useful to people life.  
  
(261 words)
**Hi Miss Sarlinda.  
These are my corrections for your essay**  
  
Today, the electronic media usage ~~of~~ BY common people becomeS an essential thing ...  
... become depending on THE electronic media ~~usage~~ as a part of their necessary IN THE WHOLE ~~all the~~ time ~~in every day~~ . ~~Because of~~ OWING TO benefits an ...  
  
**Somehow, I believe the presence of the electronic media gave us many ...***(Please, focus on the question because there displayed the prompts which will guide you to explain)*  
  
... the people keep their relationship ~~by remote communication~~ with their colleagues IN A REMOTE AREA.  
... communication with THE family in other ...  
  
... media such as THE mobile phone, laptop and notebook ~~were~~ ARE launched with any features ~~which~~ supporting communication (...) because the people ~~now~~ THESE DAYS can download any ...  
  
For example, ~~a~~ THE mobile phone or notebook ~~which~~ completeD with online access ...  
  
Note: Well, I have read your essay closely. I got the conclusion that you only review your reasons why you disagree with the statement. However, you have to uderstand deeply the question  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
You should also explain that if you agree with the statement, you have the reason. be careful of this matter because it relates to the task responses.  
  
However, you have show the postistive progress. I firmly believe that you can master this skill. You only need providing the time to practice more and more.  
  
keep Spirit  
Happy Writing  
GOOD LUCK
Hello indah! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) ~~Today~~**Nowadays**, the electronic media ...  
(2) ... on electronic media ~~usage~~ as a part of their ...  
(3) Because ~~of~~**its** benefits ~~an electronic media usage~~ , ~~inconstantly~~~~were~~ influenced the people ...  
*There is no 'inconstantly' in CALD*  
*I suggest to keep mentioning about the negative effect on people which is caused by electronic media in your introduction*  
  
(4) the electronic media usage --> *(you keep mentioning these words, try to paraphrase)* can be the tools ~~for~~**to** help ~~the~~ people keep their relationship by ~~remote~~**keeping in touch**~~communication~~ with their colleagues.  
  
(5) ..., a mobile phone**,** as the electronic media**,** can be the tool ~~in~~**for** communication with family in other place ~~or with remote people.~~  
  
(6) ... were launched with ~~any~~**some or several or various** features which supporting ...  
(7) ... which complete with ~~online~~**the internet** access and social (...) or Skype can **provide**~~possibly~~~~the~~ students keep communication ...
The graph provide a breakdown about the number of student's accommodations which calculate on the percentage as per the four different types between 1960 and 2000. The most significant fact to emerge is that room in share house or flat with other students and paying guest with a host family were the favorite accommodation in the initial year. However, in 40 years onward the first figure increase rapidly in the proportion of student's housing and another showed a plummeted immediately.  
  
At the beginning, most of students chose sharing housing and paying guest is the best type accommodation which show the equal number at 35% while other figures such student hall of residence and stay at home with own family launched by the same number at 15%. Even though, in the following 40 years, both of them presented a significant changes, while sharing housing increased sharply and reached a peak at 70%, the number of students who chose paying guest with a house family fell intentionally by 65%.
**Hello @Fadhilahumar91 here are my corrections for you :)**  
  
The graph provide**S** a breakdown about the ...  
  
... most of students chose**sharing=> to share** housing and paying (...) which show**S** the equal number (...), both of them presented **a=> (unneccesary article 'a')**significant changes, (...) of students who chose **paying=>to pay** guest with a house ...  
  
**Good Luck :)**
**Writing Task 1 (Scoring Test Week-III)**  
*Causes of Land Degradation in Worldwide and Some Regions*  
  
The pie chart and the table provide information about the main lack productivity factors of agrarian in over the world and its specific effects toward soil reduction in several continents in 1990s.The pie chart and the table were presented in the percentage includes over-grazing, deforestation and over-cultivating as factors of soil reduction. Overall, over-grazing is the highest factor of soil reduction in worldwide and also in Europe's continent during 1990s.  
  
Based on the table data, Europe was dominated high scores almost in all factors and causes it became the highest ground-derivate by 23 percent with logging was 9.8 percent and followed by over-cultivation and over-grazing with 7.7 and 5.5 percent. Then, the second position of high soil degradation was happened in Oceania by the percentage is 13, which over-grazing as the most contributes with 11.3 percent. And the last, the country with the smallest land degradation was occurred in North America with only 5 percent. Additionally, to sum up almost all regions have difference in causes of soil degradation.  
  
(171 words)  
  
*
Hello i will give you suggestion:  
  
Be careful your sentence  
  
The pie chart and the table provide information about ~~the main lack productivity factors of agrarian in over the world~~ and ~~its specific effects toward soil ...~~  
  
it will be goo if you say like this:  
  
... information about the main factor which cause lack productivity of agrarian in worldwide and the number of/ the percentage soil reduction in 3 regions in 1990s which cause of degradation
....... the main ~~lack productivity~~ factors of agrarian DECREASING PRODUCTIVITY ......  
....... were presented in ~~the~~ percentage ~~includes~~ TO SHOW THE FIGURES OF over-grazing, deforestation and ....  
Overall, over-grazing ~~is~~ WAS the highest factor ~~of~~ CAUSING soil reduction ~~in worldwide~~ GLOBALLY and also in Europe's continent ~~during 1990s.~~[REDUNDANCY. AVOID REPETITION]  
  
Based on the table ~~data~~ , Europe was dominated .........7.7 and 5.5 percent. = INACCURATE LONG AND COMPLEX SENTENCE  
  
... of high soil degradation was happened in Oceania by the percentage is 13, .....  
  
overall, in introduction, you did paraphrase the question and gave an overview although there is a problem on the way you compose your sentences. Those are repetitive and ineffective. you selected some appropriate information in overview but it has not covered all the main trends or general view of the data.  
  
No clear grouping in body paragraph while it also consist of one body paragraph. You should compare each data and present it in ideally two paragraph at least. Predominant errors in complex structure. concern about the meaning and function of your sentence. learn more about the appropriate way to use passive and active form,.
**The diagram shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.  
  
Air leaks and heat loss in houses  
  
Writing Task 1, Unit 5D, Page 35**  
  
The diagram reveals the information about the way of air leaks into and out of the dwelling. Overall, the most obvious facts that are, Attic Hatch is a circulation place where the largest amount of heat losts. In addition, dining room is a place where largest amount of air leaks in because there are several gaps that air can leak into the dwelling.  
  
To begin with, there are various different types of rooms where energy wasted in a house. Firstly, in outdoor fauet through small gaps in a tap, while in a dryer room, air leaks not only in from a small pipe, but also through ventilation. Secondly, air leaks through electrical outlet in bathroom. Lastly, dining room and kitchen room have the same circulation where air leaks through window, but air can also leak through some gaps in a door, in dining room.  
  
On the other hand, the air leaks out of the house through several gaps. Firstly, it gets out through bathroom fan vent and recessed light above the bath room. Secondly, there is also recessed light that can be a medium to air leaks above kitchen room. Thirdly, attic hatch provides a large gaps above dining room to lost the heat. (204 words)  
  
*
Hi Septia,  
  
I think this essay has clearer prompt than Ajeng did. Mentioning the clear prompt can help the reader in reading and checking your essay. However, please take a closer look on my feedback in the detailed descriptions below.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- Overall, the most obvious ~~facts that are~~fact is that , Attic Hatch is a (...) amount of heat lost~~s~~ .  
- In addition, **dining room is a place where largest amount of air leaks**(repetitive as like the previous sentence) in because there ...  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- Firstly, ~~in~~the air from the outdoor faucetgo through small gaps ...  
... same circulation where air **leaks** through window, but air can also **leak** through some gaps ...  
  
Your paragraph structure was already good. Yet, I can still notice some repetitiveness in the words usage. You are suggested to use synonyms and paraphrase your sentences. If you feel stuck, try to switch or use various type of sentences either active or passive sentences. This would be helpful in improving your lexical resource score. :)
**HELLO MISS SEPTI :) LET ME GIVE YOU SOME CORRECTIONS :)**  
  
... the largest amount of heat losts =>LOST .  
  
Firstly, in outdoor **fauet=> FAUCET** through small gaps (...) in from a small **pipe,=>(UNCESSARY COMMA)** but also through ventilation.  
  
... light above the bath **room=>BATHROOM.**  
Thirdly, attic hatch provides **a large gaps=> A LARGE GAP[/b** ] above dining ...  
  
[b]KEEP WRITING :)
***The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this.  
Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
It is interesting to talk about business today. An issue such as the main purpose of company is the debatable talk because of its complexity. Some people think that business is made to only focus on making profit. However, I briefly disagree with the statement because there are other things that the employers can do.  
  
The ones who only search the way to make their company on the green level always think that their main success is to make money. However, company as the one searching a profit in the other countries has the responsibility to the nation in which they lived. Business is to not only gather the money in the certain country but also overcome the problem in the particular country. Microsoft, having all branch offices around the world, has committed to solve the problem in the nation where the branch on. In Indonesia, several PCs have been given by Microsoft to solve the infrastructure problem so that the education will be available for all students in Indonesia.  
  
Furthermore, they should not only focus on how to make money as greater as possible. There are a lot of good routines that they can do such as gathering with the official to talk about the future condition so that they can solve the problems that are predicted to happen in the future. Also, giving a chance to upgrade the skills of the employee can be useful for the workers. The worker should not too much be demanded about the performance to only focus on making money.  
  
All in all, from the points that I mentioned before, I strongly disagree with the popular opinion that the company has to only focus on how to make money. I believe that there are other purposes that the company can do to not only gather money but also solve the other problems around.  
  
(308 Words)
Hello, IvanMS027.  
i think your essay is really good. it is simple but i can get your idea. but i want to give you some suggests  
  
1. Furthermore, they should not only focus on how to make money as greater as possible.  
i think you have to ensure meaning of this sentence. you want to explain greater? or as great as possible?  
remember this form:  
as....as....  
greater... than.....  
or i have a suggestion to correct this sentences  
e.g.: Furthermore, they should not only focus on, how to make money more as great as possible.  
  
2. don't forget to add comma in your sentences that consist of conjunction words  
[who, but also, how, where, so]  
  
e.g.:The ones, *who* only search ...  
... not only gather money, *but also* solve the ...  
... company has to only focus on, *how* to make money.  
... problem in the nation, *where* the branch on.  
... infrastructure problem, *so* that the education ...  
  
i hope it will be useful. good job and good luck
The diagram illustrates the information about how air regulation in a house that air flows inside and heat flows outside caused by air leaks and heat loss in a house. Overall, the biggest air leaking which is flow into the house comes from main room and the highest air leaking that flow out of house comes from bathroom.  
  
Based on the diagram, there are some rooms that result air leaking out of the house, such as bathroom, bedroom and kitchen. The most of heat loss comes from bathroom which caused by recessed lamps. Kitchen is the second highest that loss heat causes by hidden lights. The lowest of heat loss is from the bedroom.  
  
The main bedroom has much air that flows inside through the ventilation and door. Kitchen and laundry room which have air lower than bedroom that getting fresh air from the vent and window. Then, the least air fresh that leaks into the house comes from the bathroom which air getting inside through electrical outlet.  
  
*
Hi badafebriani. Here are my suggestions for you.  
  
I will focus on your grammatical structure.  
  
... information about how ~~air regulation in a house that air flows inside~~air regulate in a house and heat ~~flows~~moves outside caused by air leaks ~~and heat loss in a house~~ .  
  
... air leaking ~~which is flow~~ into the house (...) highest air leaking ~~that flow~~ out of house ...  
  
..., there are some rooms *(some rooms or some things such as the bathroom vent etc?)*~~that~~ resulting air leaking (...) bedroom and kitchen *(room is not making the air leaked. but the source of heat that force the air to leak out)* .  
  
... comes from bathroom*(,) which is caused* by recessed lamps.  
  
*Suggestions:  
Try to make a clear clause and be careful if you want to use the adjective clause. Here is an attachment and I hope it can be helpful for you.*  
  
grammar.yourdictionary.com/parts-of-speech/adjectives/adjective-clause.html  
wordsmile.com/pengertian-rumus-contoh-kalimat-adjective-clause  
Goodluck!  
Keep Spirited.
**The purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
There are several goals of business that people want to achieve it. Some people say that making much money is one of the essential thing. Therefore, an enterpreneur should more concern about it that others. However, I believe that giving best treatment of employees is also important thing as well as making money.  
  
To begin with, people who think that businessmen should take more attention only on making profitable sales, it because they have to keep maintaining the own-label products to still exist. For example, by providing a new innovation or improving their quality products. In result, it can attract more consumers than before to keep buying their goods or products. Hence, they are able to earn much money.  
  
However, the other main purpose is businessmen have to provide various benefits for welfare's employees. It can be one of the key reasons for take more workers to decide to accept their job offer, beside the purpose of business is to make money. For instance, providing leisure pursuits in the medium term of working time or providing extra money when the employee has to work harder untill midnight. As results, the business can not only gain large profit and boost sales, but also fulfill the happiness of their workers. Therefore, it is essential to provide employees welfare in a business.  
  
Overall, I believe that to make money is important thing for business' purposes, but it can be help by providing several advantages for employees that also important to increase in the considerable amount of profit. (254 words)
Hello miss septiadara29  
i think your essay is pretty good. but let me give you some suggestions  
  
1. there are misspellings  
enterpreneur--> entrepreneur  
untill ------------->until  
  
2. you should put article "the" when you use superlative words  
giving best-----> giving the best  
  
good luck  
  
3. ... accept their job offer, besides the purpose ...  
beside---> preposition to mention something around you [e.g.: pen beside a book]  
besides--> preposition or linking verb that has meaning " in additional to"  
so, i think it more suitable if you use "besides" in this sentence  
  
good job. and good luck miss
HELLO,  
  
There are several goals of business that people want to achieve it [it >> refers to several goals, so i think that it is better if you remove the pronoun ].  
  
... more concern about it ~~that~~ [than ] others.  
  
... to keep maintaining the [their ] own-label products ...  
  
... has to work harder ~~untill~~ [until ] midnight. As [a] results  
  
GLUCK:D