dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The essay solely focuses on the disagreement about the increment of petrol cost but does not show both sides of views (agree/disagree) which are required from the prompt.  
  
For example in the 1st sentence of 2nd paragraph, you only state "firmly believe" rising the petrol cost is not the solution. However, no examples/ reasons are given to support your view. The alternative outcome (increment of overall transportation cost) is also a bit off topic too.
## Academic IELTS Writing Task 1

  
  
The two pie charts illustrate the post academic qualifications of students in Canada over two sets of age groups holding a degree, 25 to 35 and 45 to 55 respectively. Overall, the number of students aged between 25 -35 were considerably higher than the other group.  
  
To begin, Humanities and nursing have experienced an increase in popularity among the older graduates where nursing rose by 4%. However, the major gain was for engineering, rising from 9% in young to 19% in elder graduates. Social Science and arts remained nearly constant and is the most popular field of study irrespective of the age group.  
  
In contrast, Science, Math's and computers saw an increase in popularity by 8% among the young graduates. Similarly, proportion of students with the study of MBA rose to double, from 3% to 6% between the young and older academicians. Apart from that subjects such as administration, education and other studies fluctuated slightly among the two age groups wherein the difference was ranging between 1% - 5%.  
  
To sum up, there were significantly more young than older graduates in Canada.  
  
*
Hi, I would like to give some feedback for your essay. Your illustration is quite good, but I think there are some points which can improve your essay.  
  
You did well by comparing academic qualifications. But you can make your essay sharper by highlighting crucial data comparisions, such as what is the most qualifications held across both age groups (Social Sciences) and the big three dominators on each group : 25-35 has Social Sciences, Administration , Education while 45-55 has Social Sciences, Administration, and Engineering. Furthermore you can highlight that on the top three the difference is on Education vs Engineering. This can also act as your conclusion, as I think you conclusion is not strong enough.  
  
Hope this helps :)
## Writing task 2 : Causes and effect

  
  
Topic: Today more people are overweight than ever before. What is your opinion are the primary causes of this? What are the main effects of this epidemic?  
  
Nowadays, the level of obesity is increasing more and more than many years ago. This essay will highlight some key reasons and consequences of this problem which is challenging to humans.  
  
In my opinion, the main causes of obesity would be an inactive lifestyle and unhealthy eating habits in daily life. First, people are becoming obese is that because they are consuming too much junk food, fast food which includes the amount of fat, sugar, and carbs in fact of eating healthy food. For example, about more than 50% of citizens in American have become fat by these eating habits. Second, people rely on machine excessively in today despite doing it yourself which have less physical demand at anything. For instance, in a couple of years now, most of people choose to drive a bike or car more than walking or cycling  
  
The possible effect of obesity includes physical strength and mental power of human. Overweight indeed makes people staid and slow than normal people. This problem can make it difficult for you to get or keep a job in the long run because of low productivity. Also, I Belive that obesity is one of the most common causes of stress. Likewise, because of overwhelming outside, most people will have a lack of self-confidence wen among the community and society, and it will become a cycle when they can not confidence with others, they will stress and so on.  
  
To conclude, overweight is one of the most problems that affect plenty of people today. If not taken care of, these problems could lead to an unhealthy life.  
  
I'm preparing for IELTS test, hope you guy can help me with my writing text. Many thank!
hello, here are some of my suggestions. Hope this helps:  
  
+ people are becoming obese ~~is that~~ because they are ...  
+ which includes ~~the~~  high amount of fat, sugar, and carbs ~~in fact of~~  instead of eating healthy food.  
+ ... one of the most critical/serious/.... problems that affects plenty of people today ( you should have an adjective before the word "problem")  
  
Also, I think it's better to add "according to a recent research study/survey/...." when you give this information: "For example, about more than 50%... "
@ZiaMin  
Hi, here are some of my thoughts on your essay!  
  
- "the level of...=> I think "more and more" can be replaced with "increasingly" which sounds more academic and concise  
  
-"...this problem... => I don't think "which is challenging to humans" is neccessary because every problem is challenging hhh ;)  
-the use of "excessively" sounds a bit inappropriate here. I suggest replacing it with "heavily"  
-"... despite doing it ~~yourself~~ => themselves"  
-"The possible effect of obesity includes humans' physical and mental health"  
-"normal people" => better to use "ordinary people"  
-"... make it difficult for ~~you~~ => them"  
-"Likewise, because of overwhelming outside, most ..." => duh this sentences is quite bad since it doesn't make clear your idea. So I wrote it in my own way in case you wanna refer to it => "Because of obesity, people usually experience self-unconfidence as their body is unattractive and fear being body-shamed. In the long term, this would lead to severe stress.  
  
-"overweight is one of the ~~most~~ problems"  
  
There are some mistakes in your essay: poor choice of word (The best way is to learn words' contexts and read more example. In long term, it would help you to form a sense to use the correct words); unclear sentences (You should write many single sentences and add transitional words afterwards to link them); gramatical mistakes  
  
Overall, your essay is acceptable. However, it's still not really persuasive and concise so try to ask why this is the case and why you write this sentence (what are the causes/problems/effects) and explain them in detail  
  
I hope my suggestion would help. Stay consistent to the end to achieve your target band score :)
You have to work on your opening paraphrase. It should be a direct representation of the original discussion topic. It must also directly respond to the questions provided. Your paraphrase is not accurate, nor does it respond to the given questions. You need to use the responses to show the examiner that you understood the discussion requirement and that your reasoning topics are relevant to the discussion. If I had written this paraphrase, I would have said :  
  
*Obesity has become an uncontrollable health issue in the present day when compared to previous years. I believe that this is caused by two reasons namely... Sadly, the rampant obesity in society has resulted in...*  
  
Note how my presentation resulted in the 3 sentence minimum requirement of the paragraph being met. That is important because the proper formatting of the paragraph is scored in the essay. It must always be between 3-5 sentences, no more, no less.  
  
You should not say "In my opinion" in this essay because it is a general discussion presentation. As such, you should have worked on using gender neutral pronouns in the presentation to allow for more clarity in your explanation and a better GRA score. Both of the discussion paragraphs are only a series of reasons with very little explanation development in the paragraph. Try to find a way to relate the two topics by discussing their commonality in relation to the obesity discussion. To create an effective paragraph, you can use the following format:  
  
- Topic sentence 1 (Reason 1)  
- explain why this is a primary cause  
- Main effect of this cause on the health of the person  
- Example to support the connection between the reason and the effect.  
- Give an additional explanation to tie up the reason and cause in the presentation paragraph  
  
The same format should be used in the presentation of the second reasoning paragraph. This is the best way to achieve a better C&C score. Good discussion topics are not going to be useful to your score if you are unable to connect these and clearly explain the connection within the same paragraph.  
  
Work on your conclusion as well. Always use the conclusion to summarize the topic and discussion points. It is never a one sentence presentation of an under developed sentiment or opinion. Always wrap up the discussion using proper reverse paraphrasing of the content.
Hello! Here are some suggestions for you, hope it helps!  
  
- "is increasing more and more than many years ago"  
--> The level of obesity has grown significantly over time.  
  
- "fast food which includes the amount ... "  
--> ...fast food, which exceeds the regular standard limits of fat, sugar and carbohydrates.  
  
"... more than 50% of citizens in American have become fat by these eating habits."  
--> I think that you should mention the great sales of McDonald's and several other fast food chains here to show how much the Americans eat junk food.  
  
- "... excessively  ~~in today~~ **nowadays**"
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
These days, it is believed that productions made from animals like food, clothing, medicine are no longer people's necessities. In my viewpoint, I strongly agree with this idea for the following reasons.  
  
Firstly, in place of meat products, vegetarian diets cultivate a healthy lifestyle. This is because plant-based foods not only provide a wide range of nutritions but also reduce the risk of suffering from many chronic degenerative diseases and conditions, including heart disease, cancer, hypertension, diabetes, and obesity. For instance, a survey conducted by Queen University shows that a vegetarian's life expectancy normally surpasses any other normal people's. Moreover, in terms of clothing, it is worthless killing animals for producing high-fashion products. Clothes and accessories made from hemp, bamboo, and other animal-free materials are now commonplace. As a result, with diverse materials to choose from, there's no excuse for animals to die violently and painfully for fashion.  
  
Secondly, it is certainly the case that due to the innovation of science and technology, animals are no longer treated as a means for experimental research. In recent years, the advent of a synthetic tissue that closely resembles human skin helps several cosmetic companies test the potential damage occurring. By this way, harmful substances are easily analyzed without the pain, the suffering, and the deaths of animals.  
  
In conclusion, animal products should be eliminated because their sacrifices are no longer necessary. They can definitely be replaced by such alternatives as vegetarian foods, artificial materials and so on.
The essay is 5 words short of the minimum count. Although it seems to be a small number of words, it carries notable weight when it comes to the percentage deduction of your overall score. Always aim to meet the 250-290 word count for your paper to make sure you can be consider for the best possible scoring outcome for your paper.  
  
The prompt for this essay is a simple agree or disagree essay. So you kind of overdid it with your response. When an extent response is not required, it should not be given. A simple agree or disagree response will do. Delivering an exaggerated response is frowned upon because it changes the format of the discussion. Always look to the prompt question for instructions as to how your question response should be delivered. It will also help your TA score if you can add the reasons, but not the discussion for your response in the opening paraphrase. That shows the examiner that you have actually taken the time to outline your discussion draft before typing or writing your response.  
  
Your response was on track until you presented the Queen University information. This is a general discussion essay based on commonly known information. This is an opinion essay as well. Both are based on personal opinion and knowledge. It should not refer to any information from seemingly researched sources. You could replace Queens University with a reference to commonly known information about vegetarians instead. The information should be presented in a manner similar to your discussion in the same paragraph about clothes manufacturing and cloth sources. In fact, even the way that you discussed the medical aspect of the prompt is more in line with the common information, personal information, personal knowledge requirement of the discussion when compared to your vegetarian lifestyle reference. So you did good work in the reasoning paragraph, but just had a slight hiccup with the referencing in the first part. Always use non-specific sources or gender free pronouns. Those will definitely better help your score.  
  
Your opening paraphrase and concluding summary should both have at least 3 sentences presented. These should highlight the summarized form of the original prompt (opening paraphrase) and the topic with discussion reasons (concluding summary). It is because you lack sentences in these sections that your essay did not meet the word count as expected.
***Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age. Some think they should begin at at least 7 years old.***  
  
## Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

  
  
Different parts of the world have different standards for the age at which the children are supposed to enter the structured education system in schools. Some argue that it should be started at the toddler years to get the maximum advantage of the age while others against it as it can ruin the childhood. In my opinion, formal school education should start at at least 7 years of age allowing natural growth of a child.  
  
Firstly, childhood education is an extremely sensitive and delicate subject which should be handled carefully, as it will decide the entire life of a person. As per the child psychologists, first few years is the most important period of a child as that is the time when the new born is exploring and discovering the world around him to develop natural instincts. According to the experts, they should be allowed to quest and experience the world without much guidance and disturbance from the environment. If the formal education is started at an earlier age, toddlers would lose their opportunity to explore the world their own and will disrupt the natural pattern of learning, leading to poor creativity.  
  
Secondly, around age 7 would be an ideal age to start structured learning, as by then the child has acquired one's basic traits. It is considered that the brain is ready to receive the knowledge and develop skills towards and well-rounded adult.  
  
Although there is a controversy over the age at which the formal schooling to be started, when psychological and scientific aspects are considered, age 7 or higher seems suitable for starting formal primary education. By allowing a natural pace for learning during the childhood, benefits of the education could be reaped.
Hello! Here are my suggestions. Hope this helps:  
+ it can ruin ~~the~~  childhood  
+ allowing the natural growth of a child.  
+ As per ~~the~~  child psychologists, the first few ... when the ~~new born~~ newborn is ... to develop ~~natural~~  instincts. (natural instincts may create a tautology)  
+ If ~~the~~  formal education  
+ ... explore the world on their own
Okay, you almost got the presentation right. Your prompt paraphrase was on point until you gave your personal opinion, which should not have been presented in the question response portion. You see, your opinion can only come after an analysis of the 2 given discussion presentations. The format for the reasoning paragraphs should have been:  
  
Sentence 1: Public point of view presentation using gender free pronouns  
Sentence 2: Reason supporting this discussion  
Sentence 3: Your personal opinion using first person pronouns  
Sentence 4: Reason  
Sentence 5: Supporting example or Additional supporting reason for your personal opinion  
  
This would result in a clear and concise 4 paragraph discussion presentation for the given discussion. While you could write a 5 paragraph format presentation for this, Showing an advanced writing style by being able to compare and contrast using your personal opinion in the paragraph will result in a better C&C score for you.  
  
By the way, avoid referring to other sources of information in task 2 essays. The only acceptable reasons are based on:  
- Personal experience  
- Personal knowledge  
- Public opinion  
- Public knowledge  
  
Do not refer to experts or psychologists in the essay because that refers to researched information, which you do not have access to at the center. Additionally, you are not being scored on the accuracy or truthfulness of your response. Only on the clarity and coherence of your explanations. That is why the aforementioned basis of information is what is accepted in the presentation. You can make the information up, as long as you do not refer to any information that will appear researched in the discussion. In fact, you do not need to refer to any source for the information. That is why genderless pronouns are encouraged in the discussion presentations.
Dear Holt, Many thanks for the indepth analysis of the essay and valuble suggestions. However I am in doubt regarding your point that we should not present our opinion in the question response section. I know that logically it should come after the analysis of the discussion presentations, but from what I have seen, usually it is presented in the question respose section. Is it according to the nature of the question?  
  
The format that you suggested for reasoning paragraphs is logical and I will try and follow that in future.  
  
Your idea regarding referring to other sources of information is well understood.
***QUESTION- Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems.*  
  
*## To what extend to you agree or disagree with this statement*.**  
  
In the 21st century, we know that more and more people are moving to other countries for opportunities. Some people think that living in a foreign country where a person has to speak a different language can cause immense social and practical problems. This essay will argue why staying in a country with a foreign culture and language doesn't cause problems instead provides a person an urge towards personal growth.  
  
As travel became relatively easy compared to the past. While people have experienced growth for other opportunities, speaking a foreign language will bring social and practical problems. A person might experience it difficult for adapting to a sudden change in language causing social problems with the local's way of culture and also practical problems that arise due to the inability to communicate properly. For instance, when I visited America I found it quite difficult to communicate with others for my basic day-to-day practical needs, also I found myself offending someone because I didn't know how to convey my message properly. These reasons cause some people to think that extreme social and practical problems are inevitable.  
  
These problems which arise are a boon for an individual rather than a bane. The sudden change in language will urge the individual to learn the language and customs of that particular country and help them to grow as a person. For example, when I was in America I gradually learned how to greet and treat people the right way and in turn got back the same respect from others, as a result, I was able to communicate and learn properly from the professors about how to proceed my research. These social and practical problems can be eliminated when an individual learns to blend in with society, learn about other's customs which bring them a huge career and personal growth.  
  
Although problems arise due to the inability to speak a foreign language, these can be mitigated by learning to solve them. This essay argues why an individual in a foreign language speaking country can come across problems by changing, adapting, and growing personality.
Hi, I would like to give some thoughts about your essay.  
  
First, I don't think it is necessary to write bluntly about the purpose of your essay as in : **This essay will argue why ...** and **This essay argues why an individual ...**  
  
You can write it more persuasively and clearly, for example : *Staying in a country with a foreign culture and language doesn't always cause problems. Instead it will push people to grow.*  
  
I also noticed your first sentence on your second paragraph is not a complete sentence yet : **As travel became relatively ...**  
  
What is the implication of your statement? It is needed because you used the word *as* for the first word in the sentence. If you just want to make a statement maybe you can write as : *Travel is becoming relatively easy compared to the past.*  
  
Hope this helps :)
You failed to properly respond to the prompt requirement which is: To what extent do you agree or disagree? Based on your response, it is clear to the examiner that you did not understand the discussion instructions so your response is responsive only in a minimal way. You should have responded to the question first, then indicated your reasons for your response in a summarized manner. For example:  
  
*Spending time residing in a new nation often results in some difficulties. These difficulties often relate to learning the dialect of the native people. This language barrier often causes discomfort and stress in relation to merging with the culture of the region. While these are two different mindsets supported by two different groups, I find myself strongly in opposition to this argument because resiDr ing in a different region allows for personal growth and cultural learning in the person.*  
  
Now, the main problem with your essay is that your opinion summary in the last sentence of the paraphrase is not supported in your first reasoning paragraph. So you will be scored only on the paragraph that represents a supporting argument based on your opinion in the prompt paraphrase. That means, your essay will not be under the word requirement.  
  
You wrote 348 words, which is impossible during the 40 minute task. That means you did not bother to review and correct your essay mistakes. In this instance, the increased word count will be useless because 115 words will be taken out of your response, leaving you with 233 words. Meaning, your essay is now under the minimum word count. Without meeting the 250 word requirement, it will be more difficult for you to achieve a passing score. This will be difficult to achieve because you will also have point deductions in the conciseness, formality, and vocabulary considerations of your presentation.  
  
Next time, make sure to present 2 reasoning paragraphs that support your given opinion. The discussion instructions do not warrant a comparative discussion so you should be using the singular opinion discussion in this presentation. Your concluding summary should only summarize your given topic, opinion, and discussion points as well. Since your conclusion does not do that, you will receive additional point deductions. Basically, the main problem with your essay is the response format along with the wrong format for the opening paraphrase and concluding summary.