dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Holt  
Thank you for your explanation. But I'm a bit confused. I suppose the map is about "shopping center", as the prompy goes:  
*The map below shows three proposed sites for a new **hypermarket** (A, B and C) in the city of Pellington.*  
  
I tried to include the industry area to explain its potential impacts on the site choice. Since "industrial complex" contains factories, whose operations can make noise. So I try to make clear the implication.  
  
Now I don't know how to describe the potential impacts that an industrial area have on the choice of sites for a new market. The map does indicate two industrial areas. So can I simply leave them out?  
  
I look forward to your answer. Since I have used up my credits yet. Perhaps I have to wait until I post another thread.
Laura, I think you have not been properly briefed as to how to write the opening statement of a TOEFL test. You have an incorrect representation of what the opening statement requires because you kicked off the discussion without first familiarizing your audience with the topic for discussion. Let me show you an example of the expected presentation for this essay:  
  
*An educational institution has been given the financial opportunity to improve its performance but can only choose between two areas for improvement. One area for improvement is the ability of the academy to improve is after school activities. The other option, is to develop better food conditions in the student lunchroom. In this essay, I will discuss why it will be better for the school to use the money on making food choice and presentation improvements.*  
  
You must make sure that your opening statement varies enough in presentation that the examiner will not think that you only plagiarized your content presentation. You can do this by using various keywords and synonyms throughout the paragraph that will help you keep the essence of the original presentation in a manner that better depicts your English writing abilities.  
  
Now, while you do have a decent grasp of the English language, you do not have any actual background in the scoring considerations for the TOEFL test. One of the considerations is that you are capable of expressing yourself in complete 5 sentence paragraphs. Keeping on focus and not over discussing a topic in a single paragraph. As you can see from your current work, you made that unconscious error. I am saying it is "unconscious" because I believe you are reviewing alone and do not have any professional help while you try to review for the test.  
  
Pick only 3 reasons to support your point of view and discuss these within 3 paragraphs. Then write the conclusion in a manner that still strongly supports your discussion. You did a pretty good job of doing that in this essay. It can still be improved but that is something that you slowly fall into as your writing skills improve.
## Islip before and after development

  
  
**The maps below show the centre of a small town called Islip as it is now, and plans for its development.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The two maps illustrates the town center of Islip before and after the development. The map above is today's Islip town center, while the bottom is development plan of town center.  
  
Nowadays, a main road crosses the town center from east to west. However, it will be replaced as a pedestrian walkway in the future plan. A dual carriageway, which goes around the town center, will be the new main road.  
  
All of the shops in town are situated on the both sides of the main road. In new development, the shops and the countryside on the north side will be replaced by some facilities, including bus station, shopping center, car park and new housing. Shops on the south will remain the same.  
  
On the south of Islip, new housing will be constructed near the area near the park in the east. On the west side of the housing area, it will not affected by the planned development. Both school and park will be connected with the dual carriageway.  
  
*
Lu, when you provide the summary overview for your essay, always remember to include the discussion instruction at the end because that will serve to explain the purpose of the analytical essay to the reader. You actually wrote an effective overview here, the only thing missing is the reference to the discussion instruction. That is something so simple that you can add that to the end of your summary overview in your next practice test. Completing the summary overview will ensure a higher TA score for you which will result in increased scoring considerations for your remaining criteria.  
  
For this type of essay, since you are supplied with 2 images and you are allowed up to 5 paragraphs to develop, the better presentation of the discussion would have been:  
  
Par. 2 - Details of the first map  
Par. 3 - Details of the 2nd map  
Par. 4 - Comparison of changes within the 2 map illustrations  
  
Paragraph 5 is optional so you are good if you can present 4 solid paragraphs with relevant information indicated and explained in each one.
**At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.**  
  
## the challenges of population aging

  
  
In today's world, there are countries that the percentage of young adults is more than elderlies. The question of whether it is a positive or negative thing is a controversial one. I will discuss this issue and present some examples and talk about the effects of it to the country.  
  
From one had, the higher number of youth in a country means more people are available for work. Obviously, every country needs workers and professionals for developing. There are some countries whose citizen's average age is retired, therefore they have to accept migrants to solve their lack of working labor problem.  
  
Another angle is health care system. When a country's most population become old, they need special treatments for their health as well, so the government needs to pay a lot of money to build or maintain hospitals and prepare proper health insurance.  
  
On the other hand, the older people gained a lot of experience in their life and it would be a shame if countries don't use their skills. While training new employees is a hard and expensive process, the elders already know how to get the job done perfectly.  
  
In conclusion, while it's awful for a country to loos all their experienced people, every country still needs working labor for progress. In overall it is a good thing if the number of youth increases in a country, meanwhile elders are also valuable and younger people can receive advice them, also companies can use their experience to train new employees.  
  
(256 Words)
This sort of essay, based upon your title heading, indicates that you are to pick only one side of the discussion for development in your presentation. Either having more young adults in a population is good or bad. Pick one side and defend within 3 paragraphs in the body of your essay prior to your conclusion but after the introduction. So the paraphrase for this essay should have been:  
  
*As the number of young adults in some countries continue to grow, the aging population begins to number less in the overall count. At the moment, there is a focus on the discussion as to whether or not this development is a good or bad thing. In this essay, I will be presenting my singular opinion on the matter based upon examples and reasons that I am familiar with.*  
  
The only time that you do not use a singular opinion discussion in an essay is when you are specifically asked to discuss "both points of view". In this essay, you are given a choice of topic to discuss. By developing your discussion based on only one opinion, you have the ability to present a fully understandable and well supported discussion that could increase your final score in all band considerations.
Topic: write an essay on communication and trust with no less than 400 words.  
  
## **Communication and Trust**

  
  
Communication and trust are considered to be indispensable parts of social life. They feed upon each other and expand jointly together.  
  
To begin with, trust originates from communication. Nowadays, with the increasingly complicated interpersonal relations, one may often find himself dealing with people completely unknown to him. As you can't expect a man to reveal himself, any more than you judge a book by its cover. This is when communication starts to present its merits. On the one hand, communication promotes mutual understanding between two parties, so that providing common grounds for trust to flourish. Cosider, for example, if a man lives in his own world and refuse any interactions with others, it will be hard for him to stay alive, let alone to win trust from other individuals. It is through words, eye contacts, body languages that trust finds its way to grow between strangers. If you take trust as a castle, communication shall be every single brick, if you take trust as an ocean, communication shall be every drop of water. On the other hand, communication can alleviate suspicion and further consolidate trust. Indisputably, countless relations even marriages end up with broken hearts because of suspicion and lack of communications. What's worse, not only individuals are suffering from the problem, so do many nations. The distrust between USA and Soviet Russia nearly ended with unclear war. Even today, many problems concerning international politics are result of lack of communications. We can learn from above that communication is the key to either establish mutual trust or maintain a strong relation.  
  
Furthermore, trust is a prerequisite for achieving a deeper level of communication. For example, everyone has some secrets and ideas that are inaccessible to others, lest people should use these informations against him. So many people are prudent even vigilant about the messages they are giving out. Subjects of conversations between strangers are very limited. However, as the time and understanding begin to accumulate and the trust deepens, they will become friends and open to subject from love affairs to political opinions. Intimate friendship is the embodiment of a higher level of trust. The friendship between David and Jonathon written in the bible displays that the communication and trust are the essential traits for friendship to thrive.  
  
In a word, communication and trust are inseparable. It is through them that we can enhance mutual understanding and work together for a better life and brighter future.
@Rubenstein You are simply being asked to write a free flowing essay based on a given topic. The thesis statement of the topic provided is depended upon you. That is the problem with your essay, your opening statement, even in a free flowing essay / opinion paper essay / narrative essay, needs to have a focal point for the discussion presented upfront in order to give the discussion a semblance of order, importance, and information. Your first paragraph just talks about communication and trust in a general manner, without giving the reader an idea as to what sort of discussion you want to have about communication and trust. There no point to be made regarding the discussion. You are merely discussing for the sake of discussing. There are no merits to be had from writing and reading the essay based upon your opening statement.  
  
That is a sad development in your essay because you actually make some pretty good points with your writing. The problem, is that there is no focus or direction for the topics presented. Again, you just keep talking without truly making a connection between the thoughts you are presenting. How do you keep the reader interested in your essay when your focus is all over the place? The reader is thoroughly confused by the time the end of your essay is reached. No point was made, no lesson was learned, no objective was achieved. There is no coordination between the two topics that would have merged the discussion in such a manner that the symbiotic relationship between the two would have been better presented and explored.  
  
That is why this essay isn't as effective as it should be. In order to become an effective essayist, you need to first learn how to give importance to the topic being presented and then discover how you can make the readers care about what you have to say in relation to the provided topic. Coming up with your own prompt statement based upon the suggested discussion in order to create a clear outline for your essay presentation would be the first step towards that.
**The maps below show the centre of small town called Islip as it is now, and plans for its development.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## plethora of changes in the future

  
  
The maps present information about Islip city present and future. It seems that the small city is going to evolve after the finish of development plan. The changes in the city will be discussed.  
  
Islip town has a main road right now, which carries the whole city traffic. There is a big park in the east and the countryside in the north that can be used for entertainment. The school is near to houses in the south of the city.  
  
In the future, the main difference would be in the size of the park, which is going to be smaller, therefore new houses will take most of the space. All the shops in the north are changed to bus station, shopping center, car park and of course new houses again. The main road usability has changed, so only pedestrians could use it.  
  
In conclusion, seems like the city is going through a lot of changes in the future. Nevertheless, the shops in the center of the city will stay exactly the same. Besides, the population of the city is going to increase due to the new houses that are going to be available.  
  
(193 Words)  
  
*
Always reference both discussion instructions in your paraphrase. You neglected to mention that comparisons will also be discussed as a manner of differentiating between the old and new town center in the essay. That additional information would have added to your TA score had you completely referenced the instructions provided.  
  
Your information regarding the current set up of the town is incomplete. You should have included at least a sentence for each location within the map. That would show accuracy in your reporting and truly informed the reader of the current status of the town and give them an idea as to why certain changes need to be made, without directly saying it.  
  
As for the future of the town, you neglected to mention the dual carriage way, school, and park. Again, incomplete information is provided. This will really affect your TA score as well as the C&C section of the essay. Remember, you will be scored on the accuracy of your presentation. Not just your ability to meet the word count.  
  
A concluding statement is not necessary in a Task 1 essay. So this presentation was not necessary as it adds to the erroneous reporting you have been making throughout the essay. There is nothing in either maps to indicate that the population of the town will be affected as to be increased. So there is no sense in referencing information that cannot be confirmed by the image provided. You will lose points for making up information because the analysis essay becomes faulty and unreliable.
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities. Use specific reasons and details to explain your opinion.**  
  
## We Are Obsessed with Celebrities

  
  
I agree that celebrities and famous people are in the spotlight of written and visual media. Ordinary people are interested in personal lives of public figures and as a result, newspapers and other public media are trying to cover this aspect of their life. In addition, owner of public media has to sell their products to survive in business.  
  
People want to know more about individuals who admired them. A vivid example is those who work in film industry, they play a role in famous movies which people like. So apart from their professional personality, people want to know how they behave when they are at home, what do they buy when they go out, and who they are in a relationship with. For example, I remember how people followed up Brad Pit relationship with famous actress Angelina Juli which made newspapers and paparazzi look for their picture together.  
  
Moreover, media wants to make money from its publishing. To make money they have to publish something that is in their customer's interest. Therefore, they look for stories and news of personal life of public adores. For example, a magazine has several expenses to pay and if it does not sell its magazines, it has to close itself. As a result, making money is another reason why some public media are so focused on the personal lives of public figures.  
  
In conclusion, magazines and public medias pay attention to the personal lives of famous people because of the attraction of ordinary people to them. In another word, they are attracted to their personal lives because the public has an interest in them.  
  
[272]  
  
And please tell me in which part I need individual practice to enhance my writing. Plus, it seems I have hard time addressing the topics as they really want me to do.  
  
I write this in 33 min, which I presume, it will gets better as I write more.
Hi first of all some corrections  
1- in the 3rd paragraph the last sentence, it has to close itself , this is not good or does not sound good if you say it in another way it will be more interesting. magazine has to close itself does not mean good.  
  
2- your conclusion is so short,because its a paragraph you have to write more and make a good sum up.  
while writing an essay for toefl, in each paragraph try to keep one structure that at the first write a opening statement them reasons and examples and at the end of each paragraph one cause-affect sentence.  
  
if you write just 272 in 33 min, its not good to get a high score  
you have to write over 300 to get a good and high score,  
it does not mean that writing more is good to get high score  
write more than 300 with coherence.
Behzab, if you want to increase you word count in order to improve your score, you have to aim to write at least 300 words for a higher than average score. You already knew that right? The question then becomes, how do I write more words? You write more words by increasing your paragraph count to 5. How do I increase my paragraph count to five? You increase the paragraph count by creating a proper paraphrasing and outline for your discussion starting with the first paragraph. You do not begin discussing the essay in the first paragraph. So what does the first paragraph have to look like? It should look like this:  
  
*These days, celebrities are constantly in the limelight. It is said that the mass media offers an insane amount of coverage to their personal lives. I agree with this statement for a number of reasons. In this essay, I will not only present my personal reasons for believing in this statement, but I will also offer my personal opinion regarding the matter.*  
  
Based on the above outline, you will have a complete 3 body of paragraphs that you need to discuss / present in the essay. This solid outline for the discussion in the opening statement created a line of discussion for you in the body. This will lead you to discussing a full 5 paragraph essay composed of the opening paraphrase, 3 body paragraphs, one concluding paragraph. Count it all and there are 5 aspects of paragraph presentations in the essay. Written and discussed properly, you are looking at an essay of at least 300 words. The reason for the increase in word count? The number of paragraphs involved. Writing a 3-5 sentence paragraph, as required, always pushes the writing to over 250 words.  
  
You should be able to better develop your opening statement, in relation to your proper discussion, which will help you develop your word count, over time. It takes practice and perseverance to do that. Just remember, when you write the opening statement, paraphrase the discussion topic first. Then outline the discussion points from the original prompt. After that, you can give the mode of discussion as your thesis statement at the end. That should give you at last 3 sentences to kick off your essay with.  
  
Additionally, try to avoid writing long sentences or run on sentences. These are extra long sentences tend to distract the reader due to the number of discussions it entails when individualized sentences are required and better for the essay scoring in terms of C&C and GRA scoring considerations.
Hi, I although I agree your essay is too short, I think your word usage and grammar are not too bad, though your vocabulary is somewhat basic. The main problem, as I think you guessed, is that you did not address the prompt correctly. The prompt is asking whether the media focuses **too much** on celebrities. You have instead written an essay on "Why does the media focus so much on celebrities?" I think this is a pretty big difference. So I would expect to either hear, "No the media does not focus too much, the media is there to serve the people and the people want news about celebrities. Also with all the pain and suffering in the world, it is great that the media focuses on lightweight topics like celebrities to keep our minds off our problems." Or, "Yes, the media spends too much time covering celebrity's lives. The media should focus instead on important matters that will directly affect their viewers and readers. There are so many problems in the world that should be covered without the distraction of these inane celebrity profiles."  
  
Here are some specific suggestions:  
  
people are interested in the personal lives  
  
public media are trying to cover this aspect of their lives.  
  
owners of public media have to sell  
  
individuals who admire them.  
  
those who work in the film industry, {semicolon here, not comma} they play a role  
  
at home, what ~~do~~ they buy  
  
how people followed ~~up~~ Brad Pitt's relationship  
  
something that is in their customer's interest. {"in their customer's interest" means something that will help the customer, that puts the customer first. It does not mean something the customer is interested in, something that interests the customer, which is what I think you were trying to say}  
  
stories and news of personal life of public adores. {you are using "adores" as a noun here, which is incorrect}  
  
, it has to close ~~itself~~.  
  
to them. In other words, they are attracted