dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Tey,  
  
I feel that you could expand more on each point and elaborate more as currently there are a lot of points but not much explanation on each of them. Spotted a few grammatical errors. Could improve on grammar and sentence structure. For example  
  
could lead to depression  
curiousity to try ... = are curious to try ~~range of~~ activities that they are interested in  
become rebellious  
  
I also feel that you could give a strong introduction to start off the essay.  
  
Band score maybe around mid range
Hi Tri, I believe that the highest score that this essay can get is a 4. I base this score on the way that all of your discussion paragraphs are not fully developed. The paragraphs try to discuss multiple issues at one time in the given paragraph, thus creating talking points instead of explanatory responses in the paragraph. Under developed talking points will not do your essay any good because that represents "tangential" responses. That means that the responses do not completely make sense because the discussion sentences are not interconnected.  
  
It would be best if you practice the "one topic per paragraph" method of writing these essays as that is the expected discussion approach when you take the test. Don't get me wrong, your line of reasoning is solid, it is appropriate. It just isn't explained very well and that is the main reason why I had to lower the score of your essay. In addition to that, you also have sentence development problems. I suggest that you brush up on your English reading so that you can familiarize yourself with the English sentence structures. In addition to that, you need to brush up on your English references because you do not always use these properly. Such as:  
  
the children are fully supervision by the teachers  
Time references are important in these types of essays as these indicate the fluidity of your English vocabulary knowledge. The correct term is "supervised", meaning "to have overseen". Make sure that you take the time to review the essay before its submission so that editing mistakes can be avoided.
*Question: Some students take a year off between school and university to work and travel. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?*  
  
## new experiences outside the school

  
  
Recently, the society has been seen an increasingly popular trend that young people spend a gap year between high school and university on practical activities such as seeking a job or travelling. Although this trend may bring some drawbacks, I would argue that the benefits do outweigh the drawbacks.  
  
Putting much attention to travelling or working in a gap years, some adolescents may face difficulties when returning to the way of university. They may be diminished their knowledge that they accumulated from high school. Therefore, they will have to study harder to pass the entrance examinations of university. Besides, some youngsters abandon the pursuit of academic path since they find new passion in working or travelling, which may not guarantee for their future due to momentary passion of youngsters. For example, my nephew, who travelled oversea after finishing high schools, decided to become a tourist guide although I know that she is good at science.  
  
Despite the disadvantages mentioned above, I still believe that adolescents should take a gap year to travel or work because of some reasons. Firstly, this can help them cultivate practical skills which are not only important for studying in universities but also useful for later life. For example, engaging in volunteer work, young people will be more mature to face the challenge on the way to college. Secondly, young people can use this year to find information about the majors of university that they intend to enroll. By participating in the presentation of university or engaging in life student, they may have more apparent view about the conditions of the university which they will choose. Finally, working in one year might help young people share financial burden of the cost in university.  
  
In conclusion, it is undeniable that taking a year off between school and university has some negative aspects. It seems to me that the benefits of a gap year are more significant for the reasons mentioned.
Hi Tran, in the second paragraph that you presented, the example of your nephew did not accurately follow the reasoning that you mentioned. Your nephew wanted to become a tour guide despite she has a better future in scientific fields has nothing to do with momentary passion, at least you forgot to reinforce its statement in your example. The third paragraph, it is better to have one main idea rather than multiple ones as it is much easier for the reader to grasp what message did you convey. The conclusion is for you to restate the ideas that had been written before, meaning that you should specify them again in this section.
Tranh, in an opinion essay, you should represent only one opinion for discussion. That is, unless the prompt specifically states a comparison of both points of view as part of the discussion instruction. When it is not indicated, only a single point of view must be discussed and represented in its strongest form within the 3 body paragraphs. Obviously, that is not how you presented the information in this essay so you can expect to lose points for that. In addition, there is a mandatory 5 paragraph presentation for the task 2 essay, which you also failed to present, so more points deducted for that. Do not present under developed ideas as talking points towards the end of a paragraph. Save the explanation and a supporting explanation of it for one of the 3 body paragraphs so that you can more completely explain yourself and also, get a better scoring consideration for it. More importantly, avoid run - on sentences and under developed discussions that only have 2 sentences in them. The required minimum for appropriate scoring is 3 sentences, no less than that. Don't go over the 5 maximum sentence requirement either.
Putri, your essay is not very academic in presentation and also, requires a more coherent presentation for the essay. You seem to be going back in time by referring to a 2010 experience in the essay that doesn't really represent a direct response to the question. In fact, none of your essays provide direct responses or clear responses to the given prompts. For example, when you are asked: Why did you choose this career? The response should be something like,"I chose this career because I want to fix the existing problems for persons with disability in Indonesia. I have worked for..." The question about how the course will change your life and those around you should be responded to directly as "By completing the XXX course at XXX, I know my life will change because... The lives of those around me will be directly affected in a positive manner because I will XXX..." As for how you spend the money, it is best to immediately indicate that you will use it for your research project. There are only 3 prompts provided. That means, a 3 paragraph essay will suffice for the response. With only 500 words to accurately address the questions, you don't need a flowery essay as you have now. Be concise. The reviewer will appreciate it.
Please help me point out some errors in my essay in IELTS Writing Task 2 and give me an expected band score for this mine. Thanks a lot.  
  
THE BEST WAY TO REDUCE YOUTH CRIMES IS TO EDUCATE THEIR PARENTS WITH PARENTAL SKILLS. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?  
  
## how to prevent youth crimes

  
  
There is a fact that the juvenile crime rate is rising dramatically in modern-day society. While providing their parents with parental techniques would be a useful measure for youth crime reduction, I disagree that it would represent the best way to alleviate crimes in this age group.  
  
On the one hand, parents play an vital role in educating their young children to acquire good virtues. Because most children are impressionable, they are able to imitate their fathers and mothers who are the closest to them in what they usually do on a daily basis and it is easier for parents to convey positive and desired characteristics which help their kids be less likely to misbehave during their childhood. As a result, children will have a proper awareness about what they should behave in society when they mature enough. Thus, I believe that parents armed with parenting skills will promise a decline in the proportion of juvenile offences.  
  
On the other hand, schools should also have a complementary role to play. The first reason is that some parents are so busy that they barely have time to learn necessary parental guidances and then educate their offspring. Besides, children have to spend the largest amount of time at school these days, and hence are more likely to be influenced by their teachers or friends. For example, in Vietnam, a large number of pupils hit other ones in schools mostly because their friends ask him or her do. Therefore, education about the consequences one may face when committing an offence should be included in the school curriculum and teachers are to be trained about young adult psychology to help their students manage negative peer pressure better.  
  
To conclude with, providing parents with child-care skills is a good way to educate their young into decent people; however, I am of the opinion that both parents and schools have equally important roles in the effort of preventing youth crimes.
~~for youth crime reduction~~ for the reduction in youth crimes  
  
the closest people to them  
  
~~they are able to imitate ...~~  
... imitate the behavior of others, especially their fathers and mothers who are the closest people to them.  
  
Also, it is easier for parents ...  
  
parents ~~armed~~ equipped with...  
  
sorry im not a native writer, hope you dont mind if you disagree with my comments  
i think the structure of this essay is good overall
Nguyen, the highest score you can get for this essay is a 5 because you did not properly respond to the prompt requirements. There were also a number of issues regarding your prompt restatement, as well as a confused presentation of your opinion. Let me go into further details below:  
  
The opening paraphrase is always a prompt restatement. In this case, the issue was an extent essay so a strongly opinionated point of view is required for the presentation. The only available option is for you to disagree or agree with the statement using emotional descriptors such as "strongly, wholeheartedly, significantly, partially" to name but a few description words that could have been used in this essay. Since you decided to address both the agreement and disagreement in the essay, your appropriate opinion should have included the word partially in order to describe your point of view / opinion. Without the "partial" representation of your opinion, the essay should have been a single point of view presentation.  
  
The first paragraph should have also recapped the original prompt restatement in order to prove that you understood the topic for discussion and instructions for the discussion. Hence:  
  
*There is a point of view that believes that youth crimes may be reduced if parents are properly educated in order to develop their parental skills. I tend to partially agree with this statement. I will support this point of view with reasons that follow below*  
  
Only then should you have proceeded to discuss both points of view within the "emotional" essay. By the way, this is always a 5 paragraph essay. That is the best way to achieve the maximum scoring effect based on all 4 scoring considerations. You also fall under the 3 sentence minimum in certain instances. There is a 5 sentence maximum in place for all paragraphs.  
  
You could have also used a stronger closing statement based on a properly summarized discussion of salient points in the body of paragraphs. Using 3 reasons with examples would have been the best bet for your essay to get a higher scoring consideration in this instance.
*Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.*  
  
## schooling and parenting for children

  
  
A proper training is very significant to make a fundamental structure of children's mind. Hence, they can face the future in the right way. Some prefer to teach students at home by their parents or tutors. While others point that it's better for their knowledge to learn at school. In this essay, both of two opinions will be investigated to achieve a consequence.  
  
Parents are considered as the first and foremost teachers for children's education. In home education, children get individual attention from parents due to parent's child can have better look after to them and always aware of their child's weakness. Moreover, they can have a tutor who gives them the hundred percent attention. Thus, excellent education can be provided for them in a free and comfortable atmosphere.  
  
Educational institutes play an effective role to shape up children's social behavior They spend time in the class with other children of same age and start to make new friends. They discuss not only their studies but also about other happening around them. They learn to perform a task in a group which is named "teamwork". They can have Healthy competition amongst students. So, in the future life, they can adapt themselves to a tough situation and new people.  
  
Although, education starts in the family with a copycat of parent's behavior this learning is not programmed. In schools, there is a global standard which can provide balance in society. Furthermore, children who teach at home definitely be less active physically and mentally. To look above, students who learn at school can be more useful for their society or even the world.  
  
To make a long story short, children should be motivated to educate in institutions instead of learning alone at home. According to this, schools and parents can share the responsibility of children's development among themselves.
@nilfort  
Hey  
First of all strong effort in the essay. However do allow me to make some recommendations  
  
"significant to make a..."  
*This sentence is not wrong but a better way to phrase is*  
"significant to build a fundamental structure in the children's mind."  
  
"children get individual attention from ..."  
I can understand the meaning of this sentence but just by reading it sentence wise it doesn't make sense.  
  
What do you mean by " parent's children can have better look after to them " ?  
" The children's weakness can be overcome by the help and constant attention given by their parents."  
  
Educational institutes play an effective ...  
This is a very good opening sentence. Good job.  
  
" ... which is named "teamwork" "  
You don't have to say that it is TEAMWORK. You can simply say  
" They are able to sharpen their soft skills by learning to work together with other people at a young age. "  
  
Your fourth paragraph has a good amount of ideas to say, yet you phrasing and organizations of ideas are all over the place. I would suggest you to revisit the paragraph and rewrite. You could also present your ideas and points in a comparative manner . For starters such as : Education in schools can provide ...... however it does not cover aspects like ...... which can be taught at home.  
  
"To make a long story short,"  
Never write this in any essay . It is a big no no .  
  
"According to this, "  
According to what ?  
  
Overall , great effort in the essay as said before. Do read up more to get more facts to further support your claims in this essay, thus making this essay more reliable and trustworthy.  
  
All the best in your study. :)
@nilfort your essay has a series of problems that needs to be addressed before you can even begin to call this a draft essay. For one thing, you began to opinionate on the discussion topic in the opening sentence. Since this is a Task 2 essay, you cannot opinionate until the second paragraph because the first paragraph should only summarize the original prompt with a restatement of the discussion instruction.  
  
Avoid redundancies such as "both of two opinions." Either say "both opinions" or "two opinions". There is no need to state the same information twice. In addition to that, there is no "consequence" in the discussion as both have "differing benefits" for the student. A consequence means that a negative result is arrived at when considering both opinions. That is, I am sure, not what you want to say.  
  
You also forgot to present your personal point of view as a separate, stand alone paragraph discussion in the essay presentation. These major errors though are enough to prevent you from garnering a passing score had this been an actual test.
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to travel is in a group led by a tour guide. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.*  
  
## The way of traveling

  
  
Nowadays, there is a boom in the number of the travel agency providing several customized travel program. However, I hold the opinion that putting your trust in the tour company is not always the best alternative to travel. I feel this way for three reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.  
  
First of all, although tour group saves much time and effort to consider all your needs and make the whole plan for you, it also limits the time you want to spend in one place and tourist sites you prefer to explore. My own experience is a compelling example of this. When I traveled to Beijing with my friends several months ago, we joined a tour group and were forced to spend only one hour on the Great Wall. Later on, we were taken to a shopping store. It is impossible to enjoy the entire trip in so limited time, let go of shopping stores. If we travel alone, we can go wherever we want and spend enough time to enjoy every site rather than wasting time in a shopping center. As a result, I am strongly opposed to traveling with tour groups, which totally ruined the pleasure in travel.  
  
The other reason is associated with money. Following with a tour group usually costs much more money than traveling alone due to the higher level of hotels and restaurants, the fee of travel bus and the tour agency. On the other hand, if traveling alone, you can book cheap hostels and eat local foods. Making travel plans by yourself not only saves the agency fee but also provides the feeling of accomplishment.  
  
Third, as a person fond of adventure and explore everything new, I can meet other like-minded people while traveling alone. This is not going to happen if you are in a tour group which is probably full of elderly people or those cannot understand the pleasure of adventure. Take my travel in Norway for example, on the way alone to catch a glimpse of the aurora, I met a group of people with great enthusiasm in adventures like me. We went find aurora together and waited in the weather of minus thirty degrees Celsius, which was really the most remarkable experience in my life. Therefore, I will absolutely choose to travel alone for the things and the people surprise me on every trip.  
  
By the way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that traveling in a tour group is absolutely not the best choice for me. This is because people cannot control their time, place and money when traveling by themselves and will not meet like-minded fellows.
Hi, I respectfully disagree with manhhackc and think that personal examples are fine for this type of essay. That being said, I would steer clear of using the second person if possible. Saying "you should this, you should that" sounds a little inelegant, so I would try to stick to first and third person, which usually is not too difficult. Here are some specific suggestions:  
  
the number of ~~the~~ travel [agencies] providing ... {maybe "agencies, each providing their own customized travel programs"}  
  
is not always the best alternative [when traveling] {it sounded you were saying a tour company is an alternative to travel, but really it is one way to travel}  
  
I feel this way for three reasons, which ... {I think it is better to end your intro with a powerful thesis that summarizes your viewpoint - this seems weak}  
  
although [a] tour group  
  
time and effort [by considering] all your needs and [making] the whole plan for you  
  
joined a tour group and were [allowed] to spend ...  
  
we were taken to a shopping store.{what other kinds of stores are there? maybe "shopping center" or "shopping area"} It [was] impossible to ... in so limited [a ]time, [to say nothing of meaningless ]shopping [expeditions].  
  
If we travel alone, we can go wherever we want and spend enough time to enjoy every site rather than wasting time in a shopping center. As a result, I am strongly opposed to traveling with tour groups, which totally ruined the pleasure in travel.  
  
The other reason {other reason for what? try to refer back to the prompt and your thesis in each topic sentence} is associated with money.  
  
Following ~~with~~ a tour ...  
  
... restaurants, the [charter/tour bus] fee ~~of travel bus~~ and the tour agency.  
  
... provides [a ] feeling of accomplishment.  
  
fond of adventure and[ exploring] everything new,  
  
... to happen if [I am] in a tour group  
  
or those [who] cannot understand  
  
travel in Norway for example[;] on the way  
  
We went [to] find [the] aurora together ...  
... to travel alone for the [experiences] {try to avoid using "things" - there is always a better word, so "things" means you could not come up with any better alternative}  
  
By ~~the~~ way of conclusion,
## **16 MAR 2018 Daily Entry**

  
  
I was asked to read a short excerpt from the "The Bet" by Anthon Chekov this morning. I did not show any signs of interest in the story when it started off with the description of an old banker until it got to the climax when the scene flashed back to fifteen years ago.  
  
The climax was when the banker argued with a young lawyer aged five-and-twenty over whether death penalty is worse than life imprisonment. Soon after the impulsive young lawyer bet the banker that he would stay in solitary confinement for fifteen years and would get two millions from the banker when the time was up in return.  
  
In those fifteen years, the lawyer was provided whatever he wanted by the banker. His emotional and mental states had been fluctuating in the first few years until he started ordering all kinds of books and eventually the Gospel. He had absorbed all the knowledge from the books into his brain, especially the Gospel which he found to have profound meaning.  
  
In the end, the lawyer had become more knowledgeable than he would have be.  
  
In my opinion, the bet was so ridiculous and stupid which I believe normal human beings would definitely not do this. However, just when i thought the lawyer would have wasted his best fifteen years of his life in the room, it turned out to be that he had learnt so much in those fifteen years. So I'm thinking that sometimes when we assume the things that we are doing is meaningless, they might turn out to be meaningful. Some people around us may seem to behave in their own ways which are deemed to be stupid by us, but their weirdness might turn out to be their own unique feature in the future leading to success, who knows?  
  
**PLEASE TRY TO CORRECT ALL MY MISTAKES OR AT LEAST TELL ME WHERE TO IMPROVE ON. I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP!**