dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Nura, the essay suffers from uneven writing. Your weak grammar and problematic sentence development have affected the overall declarations you have made in your essay. It is difficult to understand what your point of view is. The presentation of facts does not have a clear thought process. Your line of reasoning jumps around various topics without really establishing a strong point of view. You failed to successfully both sides of the discussion and there is no reference to your point of view paragraph within the essay which further affected the presentation and meaning of the essay. I do not believe that your work would have scored higher than a 3 or 4 in this current state.
Hello everyone, I appreciate any comments of you to improve my writing skill. Thank you in advance.  
Here is my writing:  
  
*This chart shows a partial list of some of the species of birds can be seen in Woodchuck County during two different seasons: summer and winter.  
  
In this list, there are eight kinds of birds reported. Three of the species listed-cardinals, crows and woodpeckers are observed in both winter and summer. It can be explained that they are the original birds in Woodchuck County, not be the migratory birds. Four of the species listed-blue birds, mockingbirds, orioles and vireos are discovered in only summer. This means that they are the migratory birds. In the summer, they migrate to Woodchuck for breeding seasons or avoiding the cold of winter. In the winter of Woodchuck, they move to the warmer region. That may be the reason why they can not be observed here in the winter. There is only juncos living here in the winter. Perhaps they adapted with the cold conditions during their evolution and the winter is the best season for them to inhabit.*  
  
*
... the species of birds ~~can be~~ seen in Woodchuck County ...  
  
... eight kinds of birds ~~reported~~ .  
or  
This list reports eight kinds of birds.  
  
~~It can be explained~~**The possible reason of this is** that they are ~~the original birds in~~**originally from** Woodchuck County, **so they are not**~~not be the~~ migratory birds.  
  
..., mockingbirds, orioles**,** and vireos are ~~discovered~~**observed only** in ~~only~~ summer.  
  
... are the migratory birds~~. In~~**which during**the summer, they migrate to Woodchuck ~~for~~**in order to spend** breeding seasons ...  
  
~~There is only juncos living here in the winter.~~**Juncos is the only species living here during the winter.**  
  
Perhaps they adapted **themselves** with the cold conditions ...
**Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime.**  
  
There is a controvercial issue about how to give the punishments to perpetrators. Some people think that every crime have to be punished in accordance to the regulations. In contrast, others believe that the consideration of the crime background is an important aspect when making a punishment. Personally, every crime that happened should be investigated before giving a judgement. Because every people deserve to get a justice  
  
Regarding to human rights, we have to find out the motivation of criminals when commit a crime before giving a punishment. For instance, husband killed his sister-in-law when he came to her house. Due to the accident, he must get into the prison. But, when police look out the reason why he did it, they found that he has a mental illness. Automatically, He cannot get the fixed punishment based on the type of crime that he did  
  
On the other hand, others who believe that every crime should be punished based on applicable law, did not care about themotivation of the crime. Every person who did the same crime, must be justice as a standard punishment. For instance, the penalty of the every killer who planned its murder is 20 years in prison. So, every teenagers or adults does not matter. They have to convicted in the same way  
  
All in all, i personally think that each crime should be investigated specifically and should be punished according to the appropriate judgement. We have to consider the reason why they commit crimes because it is the human rights. However, the judgement should be held righteously.
hi miss @ifraanisa05, allow me to give you some corrections :)  
  
There is a ~~controvercia~~ l=>CONTROVERSIAL issue about how to ...  
... every crime have=> HAS to be punished in accordance ~~to~~ =>WITH the regulations.  
... before giving a ~~judgement~~ => JUDGMENT.  
  
... motivation of criminals when ~~commit~~ =>COMITTING a crime before ...  
  
For instance, the penalty ~~of~~ =>FOR the every killer ...  
So, every teenagers or ~~adults~~ =>ADULT does not matter. They have to ~~convicted~~ =>CONVICT in the same way  
  
GOOD LUCK :)
Ifra, you would not score better than a 4 with this essay. While you did attempt to discuss the prompt in the best way that you could, you just failed to keep track of the discussion so that you could present the discussion points in a clear, coherent, and acceptable manner. You have difficulty in developing proper paragraph sentences because you lose sight of the all too important topic sentences that dictate the discussion tone of the paragraph. You must also learn to spellcheck because you have a number of misspelled words in the essay that, while it doesn't affect what you are trying to say, since the reader can guess the correct word, distracts from the true meaning of what you are trying to convey to the reader. I hope that you will be able to take note of the problem areas I pointed out. I am looking forward to your next, improved essay very soon.
***Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
What other measures do you think might be effective?***  
  
One of the causes of growing traffic and pollution issues is increasing the number of private vehicles especially in urban area. Although some believe to tackle this cause is by raising fuel cost, I am more likely to against this notion because this solution will conduce another problem such as social inequality. I believe developing comfort in public transport is one of the best ways to reduce pollution problems and growing traffic.  
  
If increasing fuel price occurs massively, this situation will raise interest in having private cars. This is because the higher spending people do, the higher cost for transportation is. Taking my country as an example, in 2014, when the government implemented policy to raise the price of fuel up to twice more than before, all of needs and costs also went up such especially for basic needs and public transportation which increased sharply. Unfortunately, in the same period, sales of new vehicles experienced a dramatic rise and could sale 1000 unit in a month, according to survey conducted by Student Research Institute Makassar. This indicates that the government should consider another rule to tackle this problem.  
  
A solution which can be implemented is improving public transportation more comfortable. It is because one of the reason why people prefer using their own cars is they feel uncomfortable when they are in public transportation. Therefore, repairing public transportation from bad facilities to having a certain quality will raise the number of passengers.  
  
To sum up, there is no doubt increasing petrol price is not the only way to reduce greenhouse gasses. There is another measure more effectively solving this problem without issuing new problems.  
  
**(307 words)**
Hello Mr. @ibe13 :) Let me give you some corrections :)  
  
... number of private vehicles (,)(PUT COMMA) especially in urban area. Although some ~~believe~~ =>BELIEF to tackle this (...) this solution will ~~conduce~~ =>CONDUCT another problem ...  
  
..., the higher cost ~~for~~ =>OF transportation is.  
... government implemented THE policy to raise ...  
  
It is because one of the reason=>REASONS why people prefer...  
  
KEEP WRITING :) GOOD LUCK :)
**The diagrams show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.**  
  
Both pictures illustrate the way of cement is made and how the cement is used for produce concrete in construction processes. Manufacturing of cement involves some complex procedures which use clay and limestone as the main material. Meanwhile, for making concrete only use blending method to mix cement, water, sand, and grave in favour.  
  
Look at details in the first picture, cement production is begun with crushing of limestone and clay. This process will produce powder that blending in a mixer. Through a pipe the mixture will be heated by using rotating heater which spinning all the time to make perfect blend. Then, it flows to grinder for smoother cement. The last step is packing the cement in the bags.  
  
In the second picture, it interprets the manufacturing of concrete. Material of concrete is dominated by small stones which is called gravel. This material makes up 50 percent of the ingredients. Next, it is blended in a mixer with 15 percent of cement and 25 percent of sand. Finally, it is added by 10 percent water for completing the process to make a pasta of concrete.
Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.  
  
1. **Don't forget to attach the data to your thread.**  
  
2. Meanwhile, for making concrete,~~only use~~ blending method is used to mix the cement, ...  
  
3.  
  
This process will produce powder ...  
I would prefer to choose the present tense rather than future tense . **this process produces the powder after the raw material is crushed by the crusher.**  
  
4.  
  
This material makes up 50 percent of ...  
you can change the percentage with the similar expression, such as "a half" for 50 percent.  
  
Suggestion:  
be careful with the future tense to explain the process.  
  
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
Nura, you show improvement in this essay. You have proven that you understand the illustration and you are capable of somewhat clearly explaining what you viewed in the diagram. Your explanations of the two processes are actually the best I have read here so far, even without the diagrams to refer to. That is where the impressiveness of your essay lies. I can clearly understand the processes involved in the creation of cement and concrete even though you forgot to upload the diagram with your essay (Note: Please remember to include the diagram next time you upload a Writing Task 1 essay). Everything about the essay works. The grammar problems and sentence structure shortcomings can be overlooked in favor of the clear enough explanation contained in the essay.
**The diagrams show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.**  
  
The diagrams illustrate two processes about how to produce cement and how to make concrete for building. Overall, it can be seen that simple process to produce cement by mixing limestone and clay only and produce concrete by using four goods.  
  
The components to make cement are limestone, clay, crusher, mixer, rotating heater, heat, grinder, and bags. The processes begin by crushing limestone and clay to be powder. After that, powder is entered to mixer and continues to rotating heater. It looks like look pipe with source of heat in the end. Next, powder is grinded to become cement. Finally it is ready to cover by bags.  
  
The second process need cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), and gravel (25%) to produce concrete. There is a mixture that can be used to mix the entire source in one place. For the first, mix those things into concrete mixer. And then, the mixer will be rotate to mix the ingredients by clock wise rotating direction.
Mardian, it is hard to assess the information you are presenting in your essay because there is no diagram attached. We need that diagram in order to compare your information with. That is how we can correct your mistakes in terms of presenting information aside from any relevant grammar correction. Please do not forget to attach the diagram next time you place an essay for assessment. Thanks.  
  
The main problem that I came across with your essay has to do with your opening statement. It is too short as the required minimum number of sentences for each paragraph is 3 with a maximum of 5. So the lack of sentences will be sure to affect your final score. From the way I read your essay though, and without the diagram to compare it to, it would seem that the essay content is good enough for at least a passing score.
Hello mardian. this is my suggestion  
actually your essay is good, but this is my opinion  
1. ..., clay, crusher, mixer, rotating heater, heat, grinder, and bags.  
maybe you can mention the equipment group, and the material group  
e.g. the materials that needed are clay and limestone. the equipment that used are ...  
2. ... need cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), and gravel (25%) to produce concrete  
you can variation your writing with mention the proportion of the material  
e.g. ... need 15% of cement, ten percent of water, sand as much as 25%, and ~~25%~~ 50% of gravel...  
by the way there is wrong data. it should be 50% of gravel  
good luck
Hi. Here are my suggestions for you.  
  
1. Don't forget to put your diagram on your thread.  
  
2.  
  
The components to make cement are limestone, clay, crusher, mixer, ...  
==> it would be better if you separate the tools that are needed with the raw materials such as limestone and clay.  
  
3. I will focus on your grammatical structure on this paragraph.  
After that, the powder is entered to the mixer and ~~continues~~continued to rotating heater. It looks like ~~look~~ pipe with the source of ...  
Next, the powder is grinded ...  
Finally(,) it is ready to be covered~~cover~~ by bags.  
  
The second process needs cement (15%), water ...  
  
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
**The diagrams show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.**  
  
The diagrams present how cement and concrete produce with some steps and equipment needed. In general, the raw materials that are needed for making cement are limestone and clay while for concrete production it needs cement, sand, water, and gravel. Besides, the stage for cement production is more than making concrete.  
  
In cement production, the first step is limestone and clay crushed together by crusher to become powder. Then, that powder is mixed in mixer and through the rotating heater. After that, it is put into grinder becomes cement. Lastly, that cement is packaged into cement bags.  
  
For concrete production, 15% of all composition for cement is used. This process also need 25% of sand and twice proportion from that for small stones. Next, 10% water is poured to complete a hundred percent composition for making concrete. Finally, all of those ingredients are mixed together in concrete mixer to obtain concrete.  
  
*
Hello Beauty!  
Kindly check my suggestion below.  
  
...how cement and concrete produce by some steps and...  
Use appropriate conjunction.  
  
...the stage for cement production is many more than making concrete...  
Lost word.  
  
Then, that powder is **blended** in mixer and ...  
  
Lastly, **the** cement is packaged into cement bags.  
  
Just few correction and suggestion for your better task.  
Hope it helps you :)
Meireza, I do believe that this diagram description could earn a band score of 6 based due to a number of reasons. The most important reason that affected your score is that the overview lacks a sense of clarity that could fully explain the purpose of the essay and give an overview of the procedures to be presented. You failed to indicate that the procedure uses similar equipment based on the second diagram provided.So the tone of your essay became unclear. I believe that the following observation of your work will help you better develop your succeeding essays. It is all about the way you develop your sentences. Make sure that the topic sentence is always evident and clear. Specially when you develop your opening statement.
Hi meireza. Here are my suggestions for you:  
  
... how cement and concreteare produced~~produce~~ with some steps ...  
  
Then, ~~that~~(avoid to use "that". use "the") powder is mixed ~~in~~with mixer and through ...  
  
15% of all composition for cement is used. This process also ...  
Suggestions:  
1. you miss some steps in the chart given to you. for example, you skipped the process of rotating the raw materials in the concrete mixer.  
  
2. you can replace the percentage with some of the similar expression, such as 25 percent is equivalent with "a quarter".  
  
I hope it can be helpful for you.  
Goodluck and Keep Spirited.
***Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should be always taken into account when deciding on the punishment.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.***  
  
Nowadays, many criminal accidents occur almost every day. Some people argue that every kind of crime must have fixed penalty. However, others said that police should look at the situation, condition and also motivation of the arrested people for deciding the punishment. In order to make the justice become greater, I totally agree the second views that individual's motive must be included.  
  
In my opinion, I am sure that every nation already had their own fixed regulation since the past time. However, the rules must be flexible with the real condition. When people is arrested by law department, they have rights to defend themselves and talk about why and how they do the delinquency that cause harmful in their environment. So, constitution just become the guidance to make the best verdict for them.  
  
Taken example in my country, in the past time, media showed that a poor older grandma was arrested because they stole wood in the forest. The companies sued her to be imprisoned that was corresponded with civil law, but the lawyer refuse that. The grandmother said that actually she really didn't know about the tree-wood belongs to. She said that she found it in the central forest that near with their home, and bring just small and very few logs to made it became firewood that she sold in the market. Finally, people from industries forgave her, and she was freed from that case.  
  
All in all, in the democratic era, we cannot see only one aspect to uphold fairness. Some reasons like the people's background, why they commit it, and how the effects of incident should be considered by the judgement. So, I hope it will be increase our peaceful and happiness in the future.
***Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that ...***  
  
These days, there are many crimes from light crime until complex crime. The public issue states that it should be decided fixing punishment in each crime. There are statement that in deciding the punishment it must be concern in circumstances of crime and motive of crime, because each crime has difference. So, it must be different for its committing.  
  
On the one hand, kind of crime is very influence the punishment that would be decided. However, not seldom, in fact, it is grouped simply based on type of crime that have been decided, which is maybe didn't have any similarity especially in the background of crime. For example, robbing chili and robbing car. Both is assumed as the same in one type of crime. But, these cases wouldn't be the same if know background and motive of crimes. Both is decided punishment for 15 years of committing. This matter is not justice, because the matter that should be see in theses cases is not only the outcome, it is mean robbing action, but also see what the motive and condition of crime.  
  
On the other hand, each crime has different adjective, such as motive, way, or crime condition that happen. This matter is influence in deciding punishment become a controversial issue, because the difference background that didn't be the same. For example a killer woman that has punishment committed along her ages. In fact, she is the victim of sexual violence caused by a man who is killed by her. But in the end she become who decided punishment because she has been known as people who responsibility by her action.  
  
In conclusion, there are many factors to decide punishment. It should not base on the type of crime but there are other factors that is influence a justice of punishment such as background and motive of crime, so it will result different punishment.
Hello Bada!  
Kindly check my suggestions below.  
  
These days, there are many crimes from light ...  
I do not find the sentence's explanation in your body paragraph. If you want to add this sentence, it will better if you add some information that related with the promp.  
  
There are **statement** that in deciding ...  
Subject verb agreement  
*There are **statements** that in deciding the punishment it*  
  
So, it must be different for its committing.  
It will be better if you use "Therefore" than "So"  
***Therefore,** it must be different for its committing*  
  
For note:  
1. Sentence structure  
2. Appropriate word  
3. Tenses  
  
Just few correction and suggestion for your better task.  
Hope it helps you :)
There are two figures that illustrate step by step and equipment that used for creating cement and concrete for building purpose. It can be seen that cement is produced from two raw materials: limestone and clay. The other tools that used for it, are crusher, mixer, rotating heater, grinder, and bags. Then, to produce concrete, there are some materials such as gravel, sand, cement, and water and one machine that called concrete mixer.  
  
It can be seen that there are several steps to make cement. First, the rocks and soil are crushed by using crusher for producing powder. Then, the two powders are combined by using mixer. After that, it is heated inside the Rotating Heater using fire. Next, it is grinded on the grinder. As a result, cement is already packed into the bags.  
  
After finished to produce, cement is used for generating concrete. The process is more simple than creating cement. Concrete is produced by mixing four kinds of matters. It must contain cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), and gravel (50%). All of the materials is mixed inside concrete mixer. Finally, it become the finished good that using for building purpose.  
  
*
Hello faizunaa this is my suggestion  
actually your essay is good. but this is my opinions  
1. *It can be seen* that there are several steps to make cement.  
be careful repetition. you have mentioned it before, so maybe you can variate you writing.  
maybe like this e.g.: based on the first diagram, there are several steps to make cement.  
2. Then, the two powders are combined by using mixer. After that, it is heated inside the Rotating Heater using fire  
i thing it is not influence about your capital each word.  
good luck