dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Some organizations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Other value quality of work above appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
Business development causes a competition between corporations. The famous company usually applied a rule for the employees to look more impressive in every they do work activities. However, there was an good effect of having business suit, but i believe that the value of performance in their job is most important.  
  
Most of popular corporation has obligation for the employees to wear suit and tie along they do work. It was important because it can influence to the costumers. For instance, a teller bank. She or he have to look tidy, impressive and good looking, because if they have beautiful appearance, the transaction will be held as well. Besides, dressing smartly can attract many bank users, so it can increase the relationship opportunity among other companies.  
  
Good looking not always become first factor to raise success in business company. I think the other causes of successful corporation, one of them is how they result a product that it has a value. For example, a programing company has more prefer to recruit workers who have many skills, because quality of human resource can influence rate of work productivity. They not need to wear tie suit. They can use every shirt that they enjoy and comfort to do their work. For example, a developer apps or programs prefer to use T-shirt, because their look is not affect to their product at all.  
  
Superior corporations result from who person that involve it. I believe that suit smartly can influence success a company, but the quality of workers is the most significant factor that can improving a corporation productivity. So, you can wear every kind of dress that you like but it has to suit and depend on your occupant and year purpose in every your activity.
The famous company usually *applied* a rule for the employees to look more impressive in ~~every~~ they do work activities.  
==> a sentence just have 1 subject and 1 verb==> if you give 2 s and 2 verb, you should give conjunction. furthermore, you use past form in first verb "appied" which not match with "usually" and your second verb in present form.  
  
Most of popular corporation ~~has obligation~~ for the employees to wear suit and tie ~~along~~ WHEN they ~~do~~ work.  
has obligation= NOT MATCH WITH = DO  
  
... because it can influence ~~to~~ the costumers TO ......  
  
... impressive and good looking, because ~~if~~ [DOUBLE CONJUNCTION] they have beautiful ...  
... attract many bank users, ~~so~~ it can increase ...
**writing task 1:Integration problem in living abroad**  
  
A combination of difficulties in living in a foreign country has been experiencing by three different aged groups of people that is presenting the bar chart.  
  
As it can be seen, the capacity of making friends and of finding suitable living places decrease gradually as people age increase whilst the level of native language skill continue to rise among them .  
  
A closer look at the chart reveals that the older people ( over 55 aged ) has a positive influence in the level of foreign language compare to two other groups, which reach the highest of almost 55% whereas well above a fifth of young and of middle aged speak in local tongue.  
  
In case of finding living places, all groups show their efficiency particularly nearly two-fifth of people (35-54 aged ) are more capable to face trouble than others, although the figures for younger and older people are almost the same , which is nearly 35%.  
  
However, 46% of people, who are young ( 18-22 aged ), are more able to make peer while two other groups are in a dilemma of maintain friendship, the percentage start to fall from 46% to well above 20% as age increase from 18 to over 55.  
  
# plz give me feedback in details , I m novice. Thanx in advance .  
  
*
Dear Friend,  
You wrote : ... gradually as people age increase whilst the level of ...  
Revise : "decrease" is "decreases" , and " increase" is " increases"  
  
You wrote: ... A closer look at the chart ...  
You have a problem with your verb agreement. The singular noun phrase "A closer" must be used with a third-person verb ''looks''  
  
... dilemma of maintaining friendship, the percentage ...  
  
... to well above 20% as the age increase from 18 ...
here are my suggestions  
  
*i suggest you, to put your overview into your first paragraph*  
  
... finding suitable living places decrease gradually as people age increase whilst ...  
*this is a bar chart shows about the problem according to age. you cannot use 'decrease/increase' because this is not about the continuity. you make many unclear sentence because of that*  
  
... the older people ( over 55 aged ) ~~has~~**have** a positive influence in the ...
**Some organization believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.  
Discuss both these views and give you own opinion.**  
  
At present, dress smartly such as look office or business dress is requirement for plenty of organisation or companies. Others think that quality of work is more important than just good looking. I think it depends on our obligation in occupation.  
  
Most of companies want to their employee use smart-dress since they want to attract people for buying their product or only for introducing their latest invention. Taking a sales promotion as an example. The company ask them to use good-looking dress because they get communication directly with consumes. It is also use for make a good image for their company. Due to that reason, when job-seeker looking for interview session, dress smartly is one of company assessments.  
  
However, other organisations argue work quality of their employee is more important than appearance. For instance, most of start up such as Google inc. and Facebook do not obligate their worker to dress like an officer. These companies suggest to their employee to use their comfortable dress for work since they think casual dress make their worker feel enjoyable and it gives impact to their work effectiveness. The dress can make them comfortable even in work pressure.  
  
Personally, I believe that every company has their own requirement for set their workers look. It depends on their obligation. If their job is relate with costumer or public, use smart dress is better. But if their tasks faced on computer or no living creature, use comfortable dress make them feel enjoy. I think both of them use for increase quality of employee work.  
  
All in all, our dress work relate to our obligation since dress smartly is one of things that can support our work but not in all.
Hello nurainiyusuf16 ,  
Grammatical range and accuracy are one of the criteria by which your response will be marked, therefore you have to pay attention to your grammatical errors and structure sentence.  
  
... employee use smart-dress can b e Most of the companies...  
  
... for interview session should be when a job seeker ...  
  
I advise you to pay more attention to grammar while writing and revise your essay many times.  
  
Goold luck
Hello. this is my suggestion  
  
1. Taking a sales promotion as an example.  
  
Taking ---> V+ing in front sentence-- i think "taking" that you mention is 'gerund'  
so, missing verb in this sentence---> you can add tobe "is"  
i think preposition "for" more suit for your sentence  
  
e.g.: Taking a sales promotion is for an example.  
  
2. It *is* also *use* for make a good ...  
  
i think there are double verbs... "is" and "use"----> may be you can change --->is used  
for make---> better you change preposition "for"----> to  
  
e.g.: It is also used to make a good image for their company.  
  
3. ... comfortable dress for work since *they think casual dress make* their worker feel enjoyable...  
i think there is double verb---> you can add a conjunction  
  
e.g.:These companies suggest to their employee to use their comfortable dress for work since *they think that casual dress make* their worker feel enjoyable and it gives impact to their work effectiveness.  
  
4. Due to that reason, when job-seeker *looking for* interview session, dress smartly is one of company assessments.  
there is missing verb---> you can add to be [was/were]  
  
e.g.:Due to that reason, when job-seekers *were looking for* interview session, dress smartly is one of company assessments.  
  
good luck
HI AINI...  
  
**I think it depends on our obligation in occupation.** (IT REFERS TO???)  
IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH IS REQUIRED CLEAR POSITION SUCH YOU DISAGREE OR AGREE BETWEEN THE STATEMENTS, WHEN YOU THINK THAT THERE ARE OTHER FACTORS, YOU SHOULD MENTION BUT FIRSTLY YOU EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION.  
  
Taking a sales promotion as an example.(NEED MORE EXPLANATION WHY THE SALES PROMOTION AS AN EXAMPLE)  
  
All in all, our dress work relate to ...  
A GOOD PARAGRAPH CONSIST OF THREE SENTENCES, NOT ONE SENTENCE. PAY ATTENTION ON IT.  
THANK YOU  
KEEP WRITING
Hi nurainiyusuf16, let me give some comments on your essay  
1. For the first it is better for you to paraphrase question, so it will make it different and score will be higher than before  
  
2. ... business dress is requirement for plenty of organisation or companies ...  
There are many organisations in the question, so in introduction you just need to paraphrase the question and make your own word  
  
3.... other organisations argue that work quality of their employee ...  
use a conjunction between argue and quality to avoid double verb form. I give an example for conjunction  
  
Thank you  
Break a leg
The line graph gives information about the number of people reading book at Burnaby Public Library in four years from 2011 to 2014. overall, both men and women readers experienced an increase. A considerable rate was shown by male.  
  
In 2011, the number of books read by men are roughly at 5000 and approximately at 3000 for women. This makes the gap between them narrowed. By contrast, in the year 2014, there was a considerable increase in the figure for men to 14000, whereas the total books read by women were less marked. Therefore, a widened gap between them was showed.  
  
Turning to in 2012, men figure increased gradually to 3000 books. Then, it witnessed a sharp increase of 7000 books in 2013. In the last year, the number of books reads reach a peak at 14000. On the other side, books read by women experienced increased dramatically to 10000 during two years until 2013, however, this figure is decreasing in 2014, even same like in 2008. Thus, the number of books read by men can exceed the level of a female in the last year.  
  
*
Halo ryan.. overall your essay was good, but i found a part that look odd in your sentence..  
  
By contrast, in the year 2014, there was ...  
  
My suggestion is :  
  
*In contrast, in 2004, there was a considerable increase in the figure for man to 14000, whereas the total books that were read by women witnessed less marked.*  
  
I hope it works!  
Good Luck..
Hello riandi! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) ... number of people **who are** reading book at ...  
(2) ... women readers experienced an increase **in the number of books read**.  
(3) A considerable rate was shown by male. --> **male readers**  
(4) In 2011, the number of books **that** read by men ~~are~~**was** roughly at 5000 and ...  
(5) Turning to ~~in~~ 2012, men **readers** figure increased gradually ...  
(6) ... number of books reads reach**ed** a peak at 14000.  
(7) this figure ~~is decreasing~~**decreased** in 2014
***Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
Writing Task 2, Unit 6C, Page 64  
  
Over the time, some young adults have decided to develop their future career after graduating from a school or a universtiy by becoming an enterpreneur instead of an employee. Although there is a drawback to start up business, I believe that the advantage domintaes the disadvantage.  
  
Some people say that the main disadvantage to create own store is too risky. The enterpreneur has many competitors in the field which sometimes they has better idea to attract more cosumers than the other. For example, based on a recent graph from Local Business Statistical Data in Jakarta, shows that over 65% stores have been surviving to increase consumers, which are more interest to the newest local business that provide convenient places or high qualitiy in products. As a consequence, one by one, the business starts getting bankrupt and being replaced with the newest one. So, this factor has made people hesitate to build their own business.  
  
However, others who have more guts to try new experience, will get more benefits from the business. The main one is getting higher income than another. People who work for a company will have stable income and only increase to a particular amount if they have many experience. Meanwhile, an enterpreneur has earn more money in the earlier age. moreover, they can create a job opportunity to inexperience people who have been rejected by a company. Aslo, they have much more flexible time to gather with another colleague and discuss about new innovation to keep maintaining the business.  
  
Overall, I suggest that the advantage of being an enterpreneur is greater than the disadvantage. Although the risk rate is higher than becoming an employee, they can reach more profit in early stage, help people to find a job, and have more time. (295 words)
... working for a company or ~~organisation~~organization (wrong spelling) .  
  
... graduating from a school or a ~~universtiy~~university (wrong spelling) by becoming an ...  
... I believe that the advantage ~~domintaes~~dominates (wrong spelling) the disadvantage.  
  
The ~~enterpreneur~~entrepreneur (wrong spelling) has many competitors (...) sometimes they ~~has~~have ( you should write have if you use i, you, they,and we) better idea to attract more ~~cosumers~~consumers (wrong spelling) than the other.  
  
Meanwhile, an enterpreneur has ~~earn~~ (you should put V3 after has (S+has/have+V3)) more money in ...  
~~Aslo~~Also , they have much more ...
Dear friend,  
  
You wrote:...competitors in the field which sometimes they has better idea ...  
you mean ''they have''?  
  
You wrote: ... another. People who work for a company will have stable income ...  
A perfect infinitive is formed with have + past participle. Perhaps you meant ''will have stabled'' or "will be stable"  
  
You wrote: ... experience. Meanwhile, an enterpreneur has earn more ...  
Try this instead: ''has earned''.  
  
You wrote: ...ther with another colleague and discuss about new innovation ...  
Did you mean simply ''discuss new''? You do not need the word "about" here
1. be careful spelling  
universtiy ---------> university  
domintaes ---> dominates  
enterpreneur----> entrepreneur  
cosumers -------> consumers  
qualitiy ------> quality  
Aslo --------> Also  
  
2. they ~~has~~have better idea to attract more con sumers than the other.  
(they (plural) need have)  
  
3. ... some young adults ~~have~~ decide~~d~~ to develop their (...) school or a universit y by becoming an ...  
  
4. ... I believe that it has more advantagesthan disadvantages .
Hi, I'm trying to make some comments  
1. ... they ~~has~~have better idea to attract ...  
In present perfect tense'They' is followed by have and for he, she, it, are followed by has for  
  
2. There are some error spelling  
enterpreneur ----> entrepreneur  
cosumers ----> costumers  
qualitiy ----> quality  
Aslo ----> Also  
  
3. ... if they have many ~~experience~~experiences ...  
many is followed by plural form, so many + experiences  
  
Thank you
The bar chart gives the information about the proportion of spend on five different basic needs in several developed countries in 2009. Overall, housing was by far the most significant sector of all country's expenditures.  
  
United stated far dominated the proportion of spend on both housing and healthcare at 27% and 7% respectively, but it was the lowest rate in food and clothing. At the same time, with more than a fifth, Japan predominated on food, while its the lowest percentage was seen in transportation. Meanwhile, Canada at 20 percent was the highest rate among all in transportation whereas it showed a very less proportion on housing.  
  
On the other hand, there was a similar pattern was shown in the figure for USA and Canada in which the proportion of health care was higher than clothing. However, this was marked contrast to the trend of United Kingdom and Japan spending more budget on clothing than healthcare.  
  
*
Hallo... nice to read your essay.. here my suggestion for you..  
  
Overall, housing was ~~by far~~ the most significant ...  
  
THE United stated (...) proportion of ~~spend~~spent (in the past form refer to the year was in the past ) on both housing ...  
  
On the other hand, there ~~was~~ were ~~a~~ similar ~~pattern~~~~was shown~~*shows* in the figure for USA ... (*It becomes plural form due to both countries, USA and Canada as the objects*)  
  
Hope it works! Good Luck!
**The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities**  
  
Writing Task 2, Unit 4C, Page 45  
  
The press tend to report about the lives and relationships of public figures. Some people argue that they have to take more attention to the ordinary society than famous people. However, in my opinion, the lives of ordinary society are important as well as celebrities.  
  
People who argue that the journalist should report more ordinary people than famous people, they think that they also have a chance to be published in some television programmes. There are many talented people who come from small villages or rural areas, also enable to become a public figures. For instance, there is a painter who comes from a small district in Yogyakarta. He is born with disability and he has no arms. However, it cannot break his desire to create a beautiful painting by using his legs. In result, if a local media reports his life, it can help him to spread widely a positive sphere to the other people. So, reporting the lives of ordinary people has an essential role.  
  
On the other hand, there are some main reasons why the media keep reporting more news about the lives and relationships of celebrities. They suggest that celebrities' lifestyle have make people more curious than another. For example, famous people usually take a vacation to the beautiful private islands or canyons, which need much money to be spent to visit there. So, the audience feel attract to watch them on television. Another reason, many celebrities are more talented than other people. They always create an impressive masterpice to the audience. For instance, Taylor Swift is a singer and a song-writer who has won twice in the Grammy Awards. As a result, many people choose her as the best public figure and want to know more about her daily activity, such as the preparation for the next album or tour. So, these reasons cause most reporters take much attention to famous people.  
  
Overall, the news about the lives of ordinary society are also necessary to be reported by the media as well as actors or actresses. Although the ordinary society are able to give the possitive impacts by their natural skills, the way of celebrities lives and their creation are also entertaining. (367 words)
Hello Septia, I like the topic of your essay, however I think you should put attention into how you're delivering the message.it looks like you wrote the essay in one language and then used google translate to have it in english, Try to structure your essay in a better way. remmeber it should have an opening-body-clousure. Try to not repeat the same words, use more synonyms so it looks more fluent.  
  
I would change your opening line with something like "Social media has the advantage to reach many people in diffferent angles, the press tends to pay extra attention to what celebrities are doing instead of focusing on what society is looking for"  
  
I think you could use the example of the painter in a better way try something like: "For instance, there is a painter who comes from a small district in Yogyakarta. He was born with no arms, however his disability didnt stopped him to carry on with his dream and strated painting using his legs"  
  
try this changes and rivise the whole thing...  
best wishes
Hello Septia  
You have a good summary  
I have some corrections for you  
  
Introduction :  
  
... to report about the ~~lives and relationships~~**personal life** of public figures.  
  
Body 1 :  
He ~~is~~**was** born with disability and **does not**~~he~~ has ~~no~~ arms. However, it ~~cannot~~would not break his desire ...  
  
~~In~~**As** result, if a local media reports **can expose** his life, it can help... -->  
[i]it would inspire a positive sphere to the many people around him.[ /i]  
  
~~So~~Thus , reporting the lives ...  
  
Body 2:  
... more talented than other people **as they have special figures**.  
  
... more about her daily activity~~, such as~~which are the preparation for ...  
~~So,~~Thus , these reasons cause **the** most reporters take ...
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of money spent on junk food by different income in 1990, while the trend of fast food consumption from 1970 to 1990 in the United Kingdom is presented in the line graph. Overall,except the low level earnings, all rates of income most spent their money on hamburger. In this case, during two decades, hamburger and fish experienced an increase, but pizza saw a reduction.  
  
Comparing the rates of revenue, the expenditure on hamburger predominated in the high-level earnings at more than 40. THIS was followed by pizza at 19, while the lowest rate was seen in fish and chips at approximately 17. Similarly, hamburger still showed its superiority for those earning average and therefore occupied the first place at 32, whereas 25 and around 10 were recorded in fish and chips and pizza respectively. Eventually, people who had low revenue more spent their money on fish whereas the less marked figure was seen in the other fast food.  
  
Turning to the line graph, in 1970, more people consumed pizza, but this decreased slightly by 100 after a decade. meanwhile, having a small proportion initially, both hamburger and pizza saw a gradual decrease in 1980. Then, their figures, at the end of the year showed a stable trend. While pizza remains unchanged at just over 100, a considerable increase by more than double witnessed in the figure for fish and chips. A gradual growth was often seen in hamburger at the year 1990.  
  
*
Hi riandi.  
These are my thoughts to finalize your writing  
  
... of money spent on CONSUMING KINDS OF junk food by different...  
Overall~~,except the low level earnings, (...) money on hamburger~~**IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT HAMBURGER WAS THE MOST POPULAR FAST FOOD IN UK***(Although the low income did not reach the highest rate for hamburger, generally it became the most popular if the rates of all group were calculated and added)*.  
  
... hamburger and fish HAD experienced an increase, but pizza ~~saw~~ HAD SEEN a reduction.*(You should harness the past perfect)*  
  
*Turning to the first body paragraph, you described the data well. However, it still lacked challenge. You seemed like listing the data. First, you explain all items in the group of the high income. After that, you review the information about the middle income. Actually, you should compare the item amongst the groups directly. I mean that you compare the positions of hamburger in all group. Following that, you conduct explanation like that for other junk foods.  
  
For the second paragraph, you successfully compared the levels of fast foods. You only need keeping consistent to use the tense. Sometimes you forget that you review the data in the past, but you use the simple present.  
  
While pizza remains unchanged at just over 100*  
Hopefully, these can help you