dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Holt  
Thank you a lot for your revising ^^ That "graph" was such an absurd mistake of mine. About the trending statement, initially, I hesitated to consider whether to acknowledge the first two stages (growing and harvesting sugar canes) as a part of the process or not, since the question mentions "making sugar from sugar canes", which means the input of this whole process must be sugar canes. That was why I decided to write about these stages in the overall paragraph and began the last more specific paragraphs at the third stage (whose input is sugar canes). But after reading your comment, I have now learned a lesson that I should adhere to the displayed process instead of trying to do something different and more complicated.  
  
Besides those mentioned mistakes, do you have any more comments about my essay's sentence structure and vocabulary used?
Topic: When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
Essay  
  
Some people believe that the amount of paycheck is the most important factor when it comes to job hunting. I completely disagree with this opinion as there are other aspects to consider when applying for a job.  
  
I believe that we should work in a field that suits our abilities. Some jobs guarantee a higher salary rate in comparison to other occupations that attract those who aim to make a lot of money. However, these jobs demand special skills and proper training from the employees. To illustrate, jobs in the medical field such as doctor or surgeon ensure good income, yet workers in the field are required to complete years of academic study which is not accessible to everyone. Some people could not enter Medical school while others choose to drop out due to the overwhelming study program.  
  
Jobs can have a profound impact on our life and I think that it is important to have an occupation that we are passionate about. An average person spends 8 hours at work per day, hence the quality of a workday undeniably affects our physical and psychological health. Working in a field of our interest is wonderful because we can do things that we like while also making ends meet. By contrast, it is detrimental to stay in a job that brings us no joy despite the high income it. The stress from work lingers on even after we leave the workplace, leaving us drained and disoriented. This long-term unhappy state of mind could eventually lead to mental issues such as depression and anxiety. All the money we made would be spent on therapies and medications to get ourselves better.  
  
In conclusion, applying for a job is an important decision that should be made based on our academic performance and interest.
The essay is well developed for the most part. The paragraphs connect well from the restatement + opinion, first reasoning paragraph, and second reasoning paragraph. However, the second reasoning paragraph lacks a balanced presentation when compared to the first explanation presented. Where the first reason was properly supported by a strong thesis, applicable supporting examples, and relevant explanations, the second paragraph did not completely deliver in the same manner.  
  
When one is trying to make a valid point, the discussion should have a razor sharp focus on a single, strong basis. The dual topic discussion created a less than well-developed like of reasoning. The first topic, while valid, is too brief in reasoning development. The second topic, connects better to the previous discussion and has a more solid explanation. It creates a comparative discussion that remains true to the writer's opinion statement.  
  
Finally, the concluding summary needs more work. A proper recap of the topic , opinion, and final supporting reasons would have closed the essay on the strongest possible note.
## Writing IELTS Task 2 - Childhood obesity

  
  
**Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions**.  
  
Nowadays, childhood obesity is becoming a worrying problem in many nations. There are some main causes, effects, and measures of this problem that I would like to discuss in the following paragraphs.  
  
In terms of the causes, one of them might be junk food. Hamburger, fried chicken, and the like are all-time favorites of the children. Parents want their children to eat more not to be thin, so they let them indulge in fast food. Besides, the children do not take regular exercise. They eat snacks, lie on the coach, and watch TV instead of participating in outdoor activities, which is adverse to their health.  
  
All of those reasons lead the children to obesity which have a multitude of negative impacts. Firstly, they could suffer from various diseases such as diabetes, cancer, heart attack. Secondly, they might become unfit, unhealthy, overweight, which could make them victims of school violence. They might lose confidence, be afraid of crowd, under pressure due to body shaming.  
  
Such astute consequences of that problem that measures need to be taken to address this issue. It is parents' responsibility to control their children's eating habits, teach them how to eat in moderation, and encourage them to exercise more. The government should take on responsibility by limiting fast food advertisements on the TV since they are to blame as well. Furthermore, higher taxes should be levied on unhealthy food to decrease its consumption in the market. Japanese government, for instance, has imposed a strict law on junk food, which does good to the citizens' health.  
  
In conclusion, there are various reasons and adverse effects of childhood obesity. However, there are still steps could be taken to tackle this problem.
The causes and solution thesis does not have a proper representation in the first paragraph. For task accuracy scores, the writer must present 2 discussion topics each for the causes, effects, and solutions. A restatement of the discussion instructions will be considered non-responses and will not recieve a score. The writer has limited the base score consideration of his essay by not providing a clear, topic based discussion outline.  
  
Opinions presented must be convincingly strong to achieve favorable marks. The use of uncertain words such as "might" reduces the strength of opinion in presentation. The integrity of the paragraph presentation is compromised as the writer is seen as being unable to accurately support his opinion from a convincing standpoint. Since the causes paragraph is the basis of the effects and solution discussions, this must be the strongest paragraph presented as an opinion statement.  
  
The conclusion could be more convincing if a reverse paraphrase is used and at least 3 sentences are used to drive home the writer's point.
## It is now possible for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environment

  
  
Some people opine that people now can easily access to remote natural environment traveling form such as the south pole. In my perspective, this traveling form can be benefit to human in broadening their knowledge about the world, however, it contains risks to environment because tourism activities can destroy the pristine values of these places.  
  
We can not deny the merits that this traveling form brings to human societies . Scientists can widen their knowledge about new things on earth such as the natural habitat, geographical climate, fossil fuel resources. For instance, when coming to the North Pole, researchers can learn about the life of polar bears which are strange to people. In the future, people can help preserve these creatures, prevent them from being extinct. Additionally, In 1999 American's newspaper, Michel Park, an climate scientist traveled to South Pole and discovered that there was a potential amount of gas and oil which develops global economy.  
  
We admit that visiting to the isolated places can help human broaden their knowledge but changing to new tourism form poses a threat to our environment. These regions are vulnerable by human activities. Not only destroying the natural scenes for tourism business , but they also pollute them with thousand tons of garbage like plastic bottles, nylons being fill up the ocean, which can kills fish or penguins if they accidentally eat them. Moreover, this development can boost the melting icebergs process that ruin the homes of polar bears. As a result, polar bears could be drowned and their population would decrease, even be extinct. More seriously, it can affect to the quality and accuracy of the scientific research caried out there.  
  
In conclusion, exploiting remote natural locations for tourism can heighten the knowledge about the world but the negative effect given can remained permanently to these place. Governments should enact strict rules to control excessive traveling to preserve pristine natural values.
Do not over-discuss the essay. This often results in paragraphs that have second and third under-developed discussion topics in a single paragraph. This type of discussion normally does better when a single reason is presented and fully explained. Do not expect to score better based on number of reasons presented. That type of presentation instead guarantees the lowest C + C score possible. Over discussion does not increase your score. Instead, it increases the possible scoring deductions.  
  
The requirement for this essay negates the need for research. So, a 1999 newspaper article will add to the deductions since it research based rather than personal or public knowledge. Research lines are cut off at the testing center. That is why the information sources are specified in the practice tests. Do not research.  
  
The writer understandh the topic and data requirements but is trying too hard to make an impression on the examiner. That could have a detrimental result.
## commercials in sporting events

  
  
Some multinational companies sponsor major sports events in order to advertise their products. Some people have positive opinions about this, while others believe that there are certain downsides to this. In my opinion, when multinational companies sponsor sporting events, it is advantageous for them and the sports.n  
  
On the one hand, commercial in sport events bring a host of benefits. First and foremost, usually sporting events attract a large number of audicien from all over the world . Therefore this is one of the best opportunities to advertise products to a wide audience with a myriad of forms both eye-catching images in stadium and television commercials and the number of sold products will increase rapidly as a result. For example, The results of Oxford university showed that Oreo could sell 5 billions ice creams in just one day by hanging ads at the entrance of the stadium in World Cup 2018 which was held in Russia. In terms of sport event's organisation ,if they agree to allow companies to advertise their products in an event , they will receive a payment from working . With a growth in the funding, the event will be more thoughtfully organized so it will engage more and more people to watch and they can collect lots of money from ticket prices. You know, the Olympic Asian 2000 received 200 billions dollar from advertising.  
  
On the other hand, despite the downsides given above, I believe that there are some demerits of advertising in sport events. The primary reason is that if products are not suitable for advertising at the stadium, it is easy to be boycotted by consumers. As a result, their company will receive serious consequences such as heavy losses. For instance Cocacola ravaged over 1 billions dollar because Ronaldo replaced coca cola by fresh water bottles on the table at Euro champion 2021 .Furthermore, while a huge number of stunning pictures surrounded will keep consumer in ignorance of the goods and companies will pay lots of money but get ineffective results. Following the News amazon paid 1 millions dollar for television commercials in The UK running but the percentages of profits went up by 0.001% comparative with its last day.  
  
In conclusion, although commercials in numerous sporting events can reach a wide audience , companies consider the suitable products to avoid losing money.
The writer has not responded to the essay based on prompt requirements. There is no apparent response to the question: " To what extent do you ague or disagree?". The provided opinion instead states, "it is advantageous for them and the sports". As far as the relationship of the response to the question, it is evident that there is none.The writer has created a totally different discussion opinion focus. Such a presentation will have difficulties in achieving a passing score as the response opinion fails to present a connection or relevance to the s instruction. The essay has already failed from the first paragraph presentation. The length of the essay is useless since the writer has already shown a failure to understand English writing instructions based on prompts provided.
## road access to a city hospital in 2007 and in 2010

  
  
The pictures above provide information about the transformation of the way which approaches the City Hospital from 2007 to 2010. Overall, the whole road has witnessed significant changes which were most noticeable being the separation of the car park between staff and public and the appearance of roundabouts.  
  
According to the maps, in 2007, there were many bus stops stretched on both sides of The Hospital Road combined into the large bus station located to the southwest of the City Hospital in 2010. Apart from Ring Road wasn't changed, both two roads such as Hospital and City improved considerably with two new roundabouts. It's worth noticing that the area where the car park for staff and public in 2007 converted into the staff's parking. Besides, the public car park relocated and connected with the City Hospital in the east.  
  
In short, the way to get to a hospital developed with some additional features over three years as around-turns, bus station, and a public car park.
The explanation is difficult to follow. The writer does not successfully inform the reader as to how the place looked in 2007, then in 2010. The description should have used 2 clearly separated ( by year) paragraphs. Describe the original in the first paragraph, avoiding any references to changes first. The changes comparison may be inserted into the 2010 paragraph instead since the requirement for that paragraph is based on an image comparison presentation.  
  
Comparison image reports rely on the clarity and seperation of discussions. The writer tried to rush through the report by compressing as much comparisons as he could into every paragraph. Confusing descriptions and grammar problems created severe scoring deductions. Not everything in a task 1 essay can be presented in short form. Make an effort to limit scoring deductions.
## history person

  
  
If I could meet anyone in history, I would like to meet Steve Jobs. He was an American businessman who established the Apple Company. He was, therefore, the founder of Apple. Although he was the leader of a huge international company, he had a very minimal lifestyle. People say that in his room, there are very few things. They are just the essential utensils such as a bed, a light, and a book. I love his lifestyle. I am a fan of minimalists. Moreover, in his spare time, he often talked to your co-workers, told about children's toys, laughed a great deal and sometimes, meditated. The simple things in his hobbies really impress me. Steve Jobs' talents and his minimalism convince me that he is one of my idols probably more than any other great people I have ever known.
The writer did not inform me as to whether this was written as an English writing exercise or as a college application response statement. The topic for discussion is normally used as an application prompt for college. I'll treat it as the latter for this review for proper review purposes.  
  
It appears that the writer does not know anything about Steve Jobs beyond what he heard about the person from other people. The impression was not created based on data from actual learning such as books, interviews, accomplishment details and the like. The reason used by the writer is shallow and without a true personal connection to the subject.  
  
A better response would have been developed if the writer had chosen a true role model. One he has a personal interest in and whose influence in his life can be proven through relevant evidence through actions or accomplishments of the writer.
***There are more workers to work from home and more students to study from home.  
This is because computer technology is more and more easily accessible and cheaper .***  
## Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

  
  
Currently, technology civilization is developing significantly day by day , there are a lots of modern devices such as computer technology which is one of the most equipment can both access fastly and inexpensive . The majority of employees regularly tend to work in their own house . Moreover, there are still a number of students who are not learning at school . My belief is that the disadvantages of this matter outweigh its advantages.  
  
One primary negative of working and studying by modern technology is productive completely target not highly efficient although we have a lot of times to work and study but nobody control particular a part of homework regularly , they just check throughout the laptop or other broadcast media without knowing if their students or employers are cheating or not . On the other hand, computers have a lot of websites to entertain and relax such as youtube, facebook, tiktok and so on . Generally , they might not concentrate on their purpose by the destruction of broadcast media. This is a major issue why they work without qualification . According to the hypothesis, most students are learning by computer, laptop or even smartphone. They regularly tend to do other things such as listen to music , watch films on Netflix more than listen to the teacher teach the lesson .  
  
Secondly, the important relationships individual will not be able to expand and closer either classmates or co-workers without they go to school and office and then this is a complicated issues and hard to deal with if you not maintain and develop tight-knit relationships and then a lot of conflicts will set up by one of your co-workers because you do not pleasant them although just a small mistake such as accidentally spilled water and they definitely think that you deliberate , so it is really dangerous issues if you just work in your own accomodation without you do add and interact with other relationship in either work environment or study environment.  
  
In conclusion, working and studying by modern technology is productive and not highly efficient . Moreover, the important relationships individual will not be able to expand and close either classmates or co- worker . Personally , I definitely use broadcast media for more pros than cons.
The provided position statement of the writer is meant for a different discussion prompt. The advantage or disadvantage format is not used in this instance because the question relates to the positive or negative contributions of the topic. The writer confused the response formats and ended up delivering a non-responsive opinion instead. To be very clear, this is nota pro or con discussion either. The response format should have been:  
  
*Based on the preceding considerations I would have to say these information pose a negative development for those concerned.*  
  
At these point 2 negative reasons should be fully explained in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. What are the negative reasons?  
- Lack of social interaction  
- Additional personal expenses for both students and employees  
  
There should not be any alternate reasons presented in any paragraph because this is not a comparative essay. It is the presence of the comparison in each paragraph that weakened a discussion presentation that could have saved the score of this essay in the end. The student must learn to identify the difference between comparison and single opinion discussion prompts to successfully develop relevant responses.
***Many people go to university for academic study. More people should be encouraged to do vocational training because there is a lack of qualified workers such as electricians and plumbers.***  
  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
It is true that numerous people opt for following tertiary education instead of vocational training. While nobody can deny university graduates, I firmly agree that students should be encouraged to take part in training courses to become skilled workers.  
  
there are two prime reasons why workers should be trained professionally. Firstly, the more society develops, the higher need for the construction of a large number of facilities is. The need for manual workers specializing in terms of electricity, water, or public buildings..is increasingly omnipresent. Therefore, in order to meet the community's need of collar-workers, there must be more people who are supported to land manual jobs. For example, the warranty of some public facilities like schools and hospitals,.. must be carried out by specialized workers. Secondly, if there are so many students leaning towards pursuing higher education, the unemployment rate will rocket because the labour market will not generate enough occupations for all of them.  
  
Furthermore, it is necessary that vocational training should be taken seriously in both families and schools. In terms of schools, vocational knowledge needed to be included in some curriculum activities or hands-on experiences with a view to providing students with the opportunity to gain insight into that fields not to mention that they may act as career orientation for pupils having intention to pursue that kind of works. Last but not least, it is time for parents to back their children up and give their offsprings assistance to attend programmes teaching them to be professional workers as a long-term goal to fulfil their ambition if children are drawn attention their attention to that specialization.  
  
In conclusion, I agree that we should encourage more students to be trained as professional workers since, without them, society can not function effectively.
The writer must never include a personal opinion when restating the prompt. There should not be any claims made pertaining to the truth of any statement because that will change the discussion presentation and alter the purpose of the discussion. This creates a seperation from the original prompt that would lower the score due to non-compliant paraphrasing. This is the end result of the first sentence in the first paragraph sentence presentation. Interpret the prompt as close as possible to the original without changing the original intent of the presentation. It must be pointed out though that the opinion thesis in the same paragraph accurately responds to the question.  
  
Proofreading is a requirement prior to the submission of any task. While the discussion is on point, the grammar issues in relation to word capitalization and punctuation mark usage will cost the writer serious deductions. As a reminder the first word of every new sentence/ paragraph is always capitalized. Ellipses, though creative and dramatic in function, is not used in formal academic writing. Finally, 2 punctuation macks cannot be used simultaneously in one sentence. Only one or the other can be used. Double punctuation usage is a very serious grammatical evor that shows a lack of English writing rules familiarity.  
  
The reverse paraphrase for the conclusion is also improperly - presented as it lacks a s of 40 words or 2-5 sentences, whichever comes first.