dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the analysis of Australian exports numbers

  
  
I'm very grateful if you repair my mistakes because my normal scores are 4.0 - 4.5 and my score's in this essay . Thanks a lot for your help!  
  
**TOPIC: The graph below shows the percentage of Australian exports to 4 countries from 1990 to 2012**  
  
The line graph offers insights into how many percentages was exported to 4 distinct nations namely Japan, US, China and India by Australian in the period of 22 years (from 1990 to 2012).  
  
Mostly strikingly, over the period from 1990 to 2012 while the figures for Japan and US had downward trends, the opposite was true for China and India. In addition, the period from 2000 to 2012 experienced a significant fluctuation in the figures for all.  
  
In 1990, the proportion of US was merely 12%,after a decade, the figure reached the same level as it was 1990, although it had a noticeable decrease in 1995. At that time in 1990, the products of Japan was ranked at the first place, 26%, before declining substantially to 17% in 2000. In the next 12 years, the figure for the former reached the lowest point in whole line graph in 2010, 5%, which was followed by a moderately increase of about 7%. Moreover, the figure for the later was threefold as high as the former was, ultimately.  
  
Between 1990 and 2000, the percentage of imported products in India remained constant, while that for China inclined moderately before surging overtaking Japan as the most common imports about 28% in 2012. The trend of India was an remarkable increase, but this figure made up one - fifth the figure for the fomer, eventually.  
  
*
The first paragraph should have been separated into at least 3 sentences. Based on the information provided, the run-on sentence was composed of:  
  
- The image identification  
- The countries indicated  
- The main country  
- The years of coverage  
  
Each of the information listed above should have been presented in individual sentence format, but comprising a full paragraph. The trending statement is unclear as you should have only a single sentence reference for the trending statement. It is not supposed to be composed of multiple sentences since the reference is limited to only the up and down trend of the measurement.  
  
Do not be in a hurry to submit your analysis. Take time to review your work so you can spot correctable errors such as spelling issues and grammar problems. For example, you failed to spot a spelling error (fomer = FORMER), which would have lowered your GRA score in an actual test, but could have been avoided through a simple review on your part.  
  
Review your subject verb agreement lessons. There was an error related to that which you again, could have spotted if you had taken time to edit your work (... the products of Japan was ranked = ... Japan WERE ranked...). Include an indefinite article review (The trend of India was an remarkable = The trend of India was A remarkable).
I am preparing for IELTS, and it would be very kind of you to give me some feedbacks. Thanks for your reply  
  
## **Customers at Three Restaurants**

  
  
Given is the char that demonstrates the number of clients at three restaurants in five days.  
  
Among all the restaurants, the amount of the people that have visited Tom's Diner was the least in the five-day period. In the first day, the customers of Mama's Café and Food Eats were five times and three times more than Tom's Diner respectively. Moreover, Mama's Café was the most popular one since day one. The number of the customers fell to 100 in the third day, but rose back up to the start point. In comparison, the business of Good Eats was more stable and grew gradually from 150 to 250 clients.  
  
To sum up, the business of Ton's Diner is not doing very well in these five days comparing to the other two restaurants. The number of clients in the Good Eats is an upward trend while Mama's café had dropped and rose back.  
  
*
You have to be accurate in your descriptions. Remember, you are delivering a data report to the examiner. So accuracy in the presentation is important. That is why I have to point out the inaccuracies in your presentation:  
  
- This is not a "char". This is a Line graph. There is no such image as a "char" but there is a "chart". Spelling is important, it can make an accurate word inaccurate when spelled wrong.  
  
There is an incomplete summary overview. The summary overview should have indicated:  
- The correct chart identification  
- Names of the diners  
- Measurement type (by the hundreds of customers)  
- Day measurement coverage  
- Trending statement (suggested but can be located anywhere in the data presentation)  
  
*The number of the customers fell to 100 in the third day, but rose back up to the start point.* - For which diner?  
  
You should have at least 3 paragraphs represented in this data report. You do not have that presentation format because your summary overview is incomplete and your last paragraph only has 2 sentences in it. A series of sentences is only considered a complete paragraph when it has 3-5 sentences in it. Good job avoiding the creation of run-on sentences though. Your presentations has an acceptable number of complex sentences.
I think you can write about the overview in the first paragraph, obviously after the opening sentence.  
For Instance  
1. The visitors of Good Eats are gradually increased  
2. On the other hand, people who visit Mama's Cafe and Tom's Dinner in the five days shows up and down trend  
3. However, Tom's Dinner has the least costumers compare to Mama's cafe and Good Eats and during the five day, the costumers is decreasing.  
  
Then, for the second paragraph, you can write more detail of the number, for example :  
1. The number of Good Eats customers in the first day was 150 and in the 5th day it became around 250.  
2. In contrast with Good Eats visitors, the number of customers in Tom's Dinner is decreasing from 50 people to approximately 10 people in the last day.  
  
3. Meanwhile, the visitors of Mama's cafe is in the range of 150-250 people but in the third day, it reached the lowest number of visitors for only 100 people.  
  
After that, for the third paragraph you can write the conclusion.  
Overall, the restaurant with the highest visitors is Good Eats. The second high is Mama's Cafe and the least costumers is Tom's Dinner.
## More and more people are traveling to other countries

.  
***Why? Do you think it's a positive or negative development?***  
  
There has been a significant tendency for people to travel to some other parts of the world. While a variety of factors may lead to this trend, in my opinion, this development would be beneficial for both travelers and the host countries which receive them.  
  
Personally, three main factors are to blame for the growth of international travel nowadays. Firstly, growing prosperity and a rise in living standards in many countries have made travel abroad affordable for almost every member of society. The higher income and the more spare time workers have, the more frequent chance they would make to visit exotic destinations. Secondly, due to the considerable establishment of new tour operators, competition among them has reduced the cost of traveling. Finally, in some countries, governments have imposed more policies to attract foreign tourists, and therefore, holidaymakers have greater opportunities to travel.  
  
In my view, there are undoubtedly advantages for both travelers and the host countries in terms of international travel. On the one hand, there is ever-greater competition among tour agency, so that holidaymakers can enjoy their experience of foreign country and culture to the full and have the minimum of travel expenses. On the other hand, the influx of foreign tourists brings money to the host countries through the provision of jobs and the growth of hospitalities such as restaurants and hotels. Employees in these sectors may benefit from higher wages and living standards, too. At the same time, host tourism could also receive investment opportunities from wealthy investors, and this means that there is an obvious positive development of local economies and businesses.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that the development of international tourism has brought far more benefits to travelers and host countries.  
(285 words)  
  
P/s: I sincerely appreciate for all your supporting comments. Many thanks.
The prompt restatement requires you to deliver a clear outline pattern for your discussion based on the two questions being asked:  
  
- Why are more people traveling to other countries? ( 1 reason)  
- Do you think it's a positive or negative development? ( Choose only 1 side to support)  
  
The last 2 sentences of the restatement should have given a direct response:  
- Question 1: growing prosperity and a rise in living standards in many countries  
- Question 2: This is a positive development  
  
What you see above is an outline of a brainstorming procedure. That is the first step towards properly writing the response to the essay. You need to consider all possible responses to the questions provided and then, decide which side you will support and what idea you will discuss that will best support your response to the question. When you brainstorm, you avoid the common pitfalls of response writing which are :  
  
- under developed explanations ( as seen in your first reasoning paragraph)  
- unrelated information discussion which leads to a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in the discussion ( second reasoning paragraph error)  
  
To be specific, your first reasoning paragraph did very well in explaining the financial aspect of travel. Even the example used was solid and helped to deliver a clear and properly developed explanation. Then, you decided to throw in a second reason, which did not blend well with the first given discussion and also, was not well explained nor supported with examples. Hence the under developed discussion  
  
The second reasoning paragraph was supposed to help explain why you see this as a positive development based on the growing prosperity and rise in living standards of the tourist. However, you spoke of the benefits of tourism based on the needs of the country for tourists. That does not relate to the first discussion you presented, which then showed that you did not create a cohesive representation of 2 related discussion points.
## The statistics of flu among men and women

  
  
The chart shows the information regarding the prevalence rates of flu in males and females since 1996.  
  
Overall, it could be noticeably seen that the flu rates increased considerably in males and females with the same pattern over the period shown. The figure appears the cases of female had slightly higher than that of the male over a period from February to December.  
  
Turning to the flu rate of females, we can see that the number of female prevalence suddenly rose between February to June, then reached the peak on 3.500 (number cases of flu). Furthermore, it markedly declined till the number cases of flu under 2500 on December.  
  
Likewise, the prevalence rates of males, it is shown that five months later, exactly on June, the number of male cases jumped to around 2.750 (the number of cases of flu) before it slightly declined to 1500 cases of flu on December.  
  
*
By writing only 152 words, you are showing that you have not carefully analyzed the content of the line graph. You have also not fully developed the data presentation per paragraph and, you have redundant descriptive phrase usage within the essay. These are all factors that will prevent your essay from achieving its full passing score potential.  
  
The image provided was wrongly identified as a generic chart. The report must provide a specific image reference such as, in this case, a line graph. You must review the various types of images used in the Task 1 essay so that you can properly and accurately identify the image provided. A chart is different from a graph. You will be scored on the accuracy of your report, so you need to pay great attention to even the most minute detail of the image provided.  
  
Information from the image is only from 1996. The original image never indicated that this was a progressive yearly chart. It is a single year chart, focusing on 1996. I am afraid that the lack of accuracy in your overall reporting, of which there are several, will severely lower your TA score to the point where it will prevent you from garnering at least a passing score in the presentation.  
  
I suggest that you review your work in this chart. It is highly inaccurate. Try to do it over, this time, focusing on the accuracy of your report. You should end up writing at least 175 words when you properly present the data from the line graph.
## Some people believe online reading materials should only be used for a child to learn to read

  
  
Nowadays, some parents tend to give their children e-books to read. However, the others tend to buy printed books in brick and mortar stores. They have both pros and cons in children's development.  
  
First, we are familiar with printed materials for long time such as newspapers, fairy tale stories, ... It is obviously that we hold the materials by hand and read them. The pros is that your children can prevent their eyes from diseases such as epic and definitely no longer use glasses. However, printed materials are often edited in black and write that less appeal the youngsters.  
  
In contrast, those who choose online reading materials for their children allegedly influence in different ways. In today's modern world, intelligent technology are significantly developing leading more and more reading frameworks risen. Parents that are almost young people with at least a smart phone can easily buy online e books or download free reading documents. They can save a great deal of money as well as time by clicking and paying via credit card. Moreover, online reading materials are designed with colorful pictures, equipted with attractive sounds and other tools that helps boost the children's cognitive development. In the other hand, children may lose track of time when use phone, ipad or television. Take my son as an example, he sometime lose himself in watching online content and neglects eating. In conclusion, parents should balance the time children using online reading materials and printed ones to nurture the reading habit of children efficiently.
In the first paragraph,  
"However, ~~the~~ others tend",  
Delete the word 'the' before others.  
In second paragraph,  
"newspapers, fairy tale stories",  
Add the word 'etc' instead of adding so many full stops to represent majorities.  
Also,  
"It is obvious~~ly~~ that "  
The word 'obvious' should be used.  
Word mistake,  
"write''='white'.  
In third paragraph,  
It should be,  
'and more reading frameworksome to rise'.  
Also,  
It should be,  
'he sometimes loses himself'.  
  
I found a lot more mistakes but unfortunately I do not know how to fix them so I hope someone else will point it out for you.
The complete discussion instruction for this essay is: Discuss both views and give your opinion. You did not accomplish that. The format for this essay is normally, a 5 paragraph essay covering:  
  
- Restated prompt and discussion instruction  
- Public POV 1 (second person / group pronouns)  
- Public POV 2 (second person / group pronouns)  
- Personal POV (first person pronouns)  
- Recap  
  
Or you could have discussed it as:  
  
- Restated prompt  
- Public POV 1 + Personal opinion (agree or disagree with the opinion)  
- Public POV 2 + Personal opinion (agree or disagree with the opinion)  
- Recap  
  
If you opt for the 2nd style, then you will need to follow the format suggested below for the discussion:  
- Topic sentence (public POV)  
- One sentence explaining why this is valid  
- One disagreement / agreement sentence  
- Explanation  
- Example to support the explanation  
  
Do that for both paragraphs. Hence you have a choice. Either you write a 4 paragraph presentation or, you write a 5 paragraph presentation. For beginners, I advice that you use the first format instead. At least for the first 5 essays or so that you write. Once you get used to writing the personal opinion, it will become easier for you to write the more advanced combined public + personal opinion paragraphs. It is always better to use the long form first.  
  
Needless to say, the format of your essay will not help you achieve a passing score. It will get a score from the examiner, but it may not reach the 5 band because you did not use the correct pronouns, nor represent the discussion in the suggested format. The paragraphs are not very coherent and the discussions are really well connected. It is stressful and difficult to read / understand. All of these will prevent your score from getting any higher considerations.
Hi, I'm tata, a learner of academic writing, too. So, let me mention some correction for your essay.  
  
in my opinion, the essay asked the writer to make the pros and cons or advantages and disadvantages.  
You should make the contents balanced. also, you have to check your grammar. I don't mean my grammar is good, but we need to remind it each other as learner. okay :)  
  
once more, the paragraph of your essay need to be added more.  
1. Topic Sentence  
2. Advantages or pros, and example  
3. Disadvantages or cons, and example  
4. Conclusion  
  
let's study together :)
## Is Studying abroad better?

  
  
Studying aboard is a generally popular phenomenon among most students. I believed that will make a better opportunity to get a job in the future. However, I think still having benefits and drawbacks which need to be considered.  
  
Many students choose to study aboard because they want to increase the opportunity to look for a job greater in a particular foreign country. Offering better training courses and high-quality facilities have been attractive. They may have also more prestigious than universities in the student's city with experts in the fields. Therefore by studying aboard with qualification gain aboard can open doors to a better opportunity job. Living a foreign country can broaden students' horizons . an overseas student is exposed to different cultures and customs and having so much knowledge as understanding correctly about humanity and their life. And of course, regarding learning foreign will improve day by day because they can immerse themselves in a language  
  
On the other hand. Living away from home can be challenging and they fell homesick and miss their families and that can be a bad effect on the results of studying. students also facing a lot of problems related to visa applications or problems in the embassy office. The language barrier is difficult because at first of during time in the aboard students struggle to connect and understand together. They run into a trouble financial issues pay for accommodation fees and electricity bill. Sometimes they experience the culture and having difficulty finding integration.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that the benefits of studying abroad, in terms of better universities and great opportunities for future careers, do outweigh the drawbacks.  
  
Thanks for your help!
Before anything else, you have to decide if you believe that the topic offers more benefits than drawbacks. Indicate that opinion as the thesis statement of your essay and discuss your opinion based on that. This essay is to be discussed from the first person point of view because you are directly being asked for your opinion regarding the subject of the essay. There is actually a format for the discussion / reasoning paragraphs:  
  
- The topic sentence should be the drawback you want to discuss  
- The next sentence should be a disagreement to the topic sentence. Explain why it is a benefit instead of a drawback.  
- Follow up with a reason for your disagreement  
- Give an example to support your disagreement  
- Add an explanation to further support your opinion  
  
Doing this over 2 paragraphs will allow you to present a fully developed discussion that focuses on 2 topics in relation to the benefit and drawback discussion. By composing a combined reasoning sentence, you will have a better chance of presenting a balanced mix of simple and complex sentences. The format also allows you to show the examiner how well you understood the topic and that you have enough control over the English language to develop a strong paragraph.  
  
The current essay does not really adhere to the TA requirements and the discussion paragraphs are in need of better representation. The explanations are not very clear and the topic, as discussed, becomes confusing to understand because you did not really respond to the TA requirements are dictated by the original prompt.
## the drawbacks of cellphone usage outweighs the advantages

  
  
Using cellphones in the class can lead to three negative impacts. The primary concern about this is cellphone usage, as a learning tool, could be generally misused by students. While a text or message pops up through the lesson, most students can't resist the urge to check their phones immediately. Meanwhile, distractions arise when students are juggling multitasking. In fact, a study has shown that engaging in multitasking during courses adversely affected the absorption of new things (Chen & Yan, 2016). Without a solid comprehension of learning, the second threat for cellphone usage in the class has serious consequences when it comes to poor academic performance. According to a recent study in Educational Psychology, students with cellphones in the class scored 5% lower on exams than those who weren't (Glass et al., 2019). Nevertheless, the effect of cellphone misusing behaviors is more than personal issues. Teachers often battle with students' devices while delivering lectures. If one's cellphone keeps ringing in the class, the teacher must force the student to turn off the device, which interrupts the whole class as well as tends to break the classroom discipline. To sum up, using cellphones in the class may sometimes bring the convenience, but once you scrutinize the drawbacks of cellphone usage, there is no doubt that it outweighs the advantages.
I am not sure about how to approach the review for this statement. Is it in response to an IELTS Task 2 essay prompt? Was this written as an English writing exercise? Perhaps as a short research paper? I am not sure about the purpose for the writing, which is making it difficult for me to assess your work. Based on the content, I will review this as a short research paper instead. Since you referred to paraphrased sources in the essay, that is the most logical review to use.  
  
The research itself is too short to be an effective look at the results of allowing cellphone usage in the classrooms. The premise is not thoroughly developed and the thesis statement presentation needs work. The overall presentation is not well explained either. Simply including citation sources in the presentation, but not including an expanded discussion or opinion within the presentation prevents the essay from being truly informative and showing that you actually took the time to analyze the data presentation.  
  
The presentation needs to be divided into paragraphs in order to give the reader a real sense of the discussion being presented. It would have also allowed you to present a more detailed explanation, opinion, and a variety of citation styles within the paper. All of which could have added to the clarity and quality of the discussion presentation. Based on the provided information, I feel like this essay could have been better developed over 5 paragraphs instead of one compressed statement.