dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Minh, your opening paragraph is short by one sentence because you failed to indicate the instruction for the discussion in your paraphrase. That is an integral part of the prompt paraphrase. You cannot just indicate the two points of view and topic for discussion, you also need to tell the reader how the reasoning paragraphs will be presented. So, you lack the following reference:  
  
*I will be studying these two points of view in this essay so that I can offer my personal opinion of the discussion topic.*  
  
Your actual discussion was off to a good start with your representation of the public point of view. The problem is that you only discussed one instead of 2 points of view before presenting your own opinion. This is a 3 reasoning paragraph essay that should state your personal point of view in the third paragraph, as an analysis of the two discussion points.  
  
The concluding paraphrase should have only been a summary of the reasoning discussions. It should not have continued the discussion as you did in this essay. You were not able to properly close the essay so your essay will be considered open ended and be scored accordingly. You made a mistake in that aspect and you should not repeat that again if you want to have a higher score in your next practice test.
Hi Everyone! I need your feedback in term of writing ielts task 1 (Task Achievement, Lexical Resources, Cohesion and Coherence, Grammatical and Accuracy)  
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Question : Number of marriages and divorces in the USA, 1970-2000 and marital status of adult Americans, 1970 and 2000.  
  
The two graphs illustrate that the amount of American who settle down and divorce from 1970 to 2000, and the civil status of american mature between 1970 and 2000. Obviously, there was a moderate decline in the number of tie the knot from 1970 to 2000, whilist divorces depict a slight fluctuation for American, but divorces also remained relatively stable in the period under review.  
  
According to the graph, the number of settle down in American experienced remain stable, with 2.5 millions throughout one decades from 1970 to 1980. By following the years, the category of divorces indicated that rose slightly approximately 1.5 millions. On the other hand, the number of marriages experienced a slight decrease until the last year at 2 millions, while the category of American who were divorced a drop slightly in the last year, which had similar figures as in the beginning year.  
  
Regarding Americans mature, the highest proportion of marital status in American were married, accounted for seven in ten and three-fifth in both of years. In the early year, the number of never married experienced a slight growth with almost 15% and exactly at 20% in the last year. However, both widowed and divorced were insignificant at less than a tenth each.  
  
*
Hai guys, I need your FEEDBACK IN TERM OF WRITTING TASK 1 (TASK ACHIEVEMENT, COHERENCE AND COHENSION, LEXICAL RESOURCE, AND GRAMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY).  
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QUESTION:  
## THE DIAGRAM BELOW SHOWS HOW GEOTHERMAL ENERGY IS USED TO PRODUCE ELECTRICITY.

  
  
The picture describes the stage of electricity production in which generated by a geothermal power plant. It is important to note that the production process consists of five phase which begins with cold water being pumped underground and ending with electricity being distributed from a generator.  
  
To begin, the cold water is stored in a reservoir is pumped underground around 4.5 kilometers to the injection well. Afterwards, the water passes through the geothermal zone which this area made up from hot rocks, and this causes increasing water temperature. Then, the hot water passes through the production well before being pumped up to the surface.  
  
Furthermore, the hot water is accumulated in a condenser where steam is produced. Following this, the steam is harnessed to spin the turbine which kinetic energy is changed to electric energy by a generator. Finally, the electricity is ready to be used and then is transferred by means of a cable to the pylons.  
  
*
They ~~would~~ stare at us ...  
  
huge satisfaction ~~down~~ in my heart.  
  
But people ~~can~~ get ~~emotionall~~ *emotional* at ~~nights~~ *night*  
  
After ... meals ~~for a~~ *over* several days, ~~a lack of~~ *not being able to* sleep, and being yelled ~~from~~ *at by* unwelcoming ...  
  
*At* 15, ~~the youngest age~~ I am the youngest among all *the* volunteers  
  
... any significant ~~differences~~ *difference*?  
  
... Chinese dialect ~~besides~~ *different from my dialect* Mandarin  
  
~~I continue to ... our volunteering in~~ *My internal struggle continues as we volunteer the next day at* the dialysis center  
  
An elderly woman~~'s hands begin to shak~~*holds on me tightly with her shaking hands,* eyes wide open ... face. ~~, yet holding tightly to my hand~~  
  
... about how ~~joyful~~ *happy* she is  
  
~~Not even~~ her own family ~~came~~ *had not come to see her even once*  
  
~~Before~~ *As* I am about to leave  
  
she *softly* ask*ed* me ~~quietly~~ to sing a song for her*,* as if she ~~is~~ *was* afraid of ...  
  
~~Neverthless, that~~ *The* Ā mà *I met that day* ~~teaches~~ taught me that even *though* my contribution is small, *I still have* ~~just~~ the ability ... *This thought* ~~can bring~~ *brings me* fulfillment ~~to them~~ and ~~the~~ hope that ... do something *worthwhile*.  
  
~~Similarily,~~ *In my childhood,* I used to ...  
  
The reality ~~indeed~~ crushed my ...  
  
~~However,~~ After ... a summer *and having the experience at the hospital*, I learned that it ~~could~~ *can* be hard ..., ~~either~~ *whether* it is ~~in~~ Taiwanese or English, but it ~~couldn't~~ *cannot* stop  
  
As soon as I ~~return~~ *returned* to the U.S, ... *I have gone on to become* ~~becoming~~ the President ... club *at school(?)*, *and even assissted* ~~assisting~~ the city's ...  
  
... I found ~~a place to have a~~ *my* voice.  
  
... a more just ~~and verdant~~ world  
  
... passion and ~~advanced~~ knowlege of psychology ~~I studied in~~ *from* college, ... like Ā mà ~~to go through ... presented~~ *find their life's challenges a little easier*, and ultimately ...
First time posting my essay here to request your suggestion, error correction and idea to improve my writing.Thank you, everyone.  
  
## consumption of fish and meats in an european country

  
  
The line graph compares an European country's consumption rates of fish and different variety of meats from 1979 to 2004.  
  
First of all, in 1979 the beef consumers trend was leading at the top with over 200g weekly although there was a short fall later. However, 230g of chickens were being consumed constantly during 10-year period before the market was deteriorated with 100g per person per week by 2004.  
  
In 1979 there was an opposite trend between chicken and lamb consumers, despite same initials with 150g each. The market of chicken purchase was dramatically increased whilst lamb trend showed downward, with 250g and almost 50g respectively, in early twentieth century.  
  
Lastly, only 60 grams of fish was weekly selected by minority of people in late nineteenth century and continued with same proportion throughout the period.  
Overall, it can clearly be seen that only chicken trend showed upwards compared to beef and lamb demand, and the fish was standing at lowest consumption over the years.  
  
*
Your paraphrase sentence is not good enough. You can either rearrange the question or use synonyms or both. I think it is best for you to use both methods. that you first rearrange the question before applying synonyms in the sentence. please make sure the overall meaning of the question is the same please.  
  
After that an overview paragraph, the overview is the summary of all that have happened in the graph. write your overview paragraph in three to four sentences. and please remember ALWAYS start the overview with the word "OVERALL" don't forget please.  
  
After that, you are to write of the essay.  
The body contain 3-4 paragraphs, talking about the changes in each line now in details.  
Thank you
Krystal, your prompt overview is the weakest part of your presentation. It had a good start but ended up being incomplete in presentation because it does not provide all of the summarized points of interest required for the analytical discussion. What is missing from your presentation are the following:  
  
1. The types of meat for comparison (chicken, beef, lamb, fish)  
2. measurement type (grams per week)  
3. Trending statement  
  
Do not start the trending statement with the word "overall" as that is a memorized word that indicates a lack of lexical resource of English vocabulary when it comes to synonyms. You can instead say:  
  
1. The graph indicates...  
2. The measurements depict...  
3. The indicative standards represent...  
  
Or any variation thereof. Showing off your ability to write the same meaning in a different way is more helpful to your score than using memorized words, phrases, or sentences.  
  
Now, about your possible C&C score, you are severely limiting yourself by presenting 2 run on sentences per paragraph. The best scoring Task 1 essays always have at least 3 sentences per paragraph in a task 1 essay. Each paragraph covers a specific discussion for each graph indication (one for fish, one for beef, etc. )  
  
You lack a comparison point discussion as instructed in the prompt. Beef and Chicken overlap in the line graph so that is a comparative discussion point that should be analyzed in the presentation.
## I prefer to be a professional employee

  
  
Many people dream of working for themselves and some of them take a plunge. On the other hand, there are people who would be better off if they become employees. There is a vast difference between two options. Personally, I think that each of them has its own advantages and disadvantages.  
  
To begin with, some people have decided to be self-employed in order not to be regulated by any procedures or governed by under companies' regulations. They have completely freedom and control over their business. Besides, the more they work, the more they get, they will earn more money than working for someone else's company. Owning a business that means they could follow their passion, find work motivation from interest as well as do something they love everyday.  
  
However, working for themselves requires them to work harder and to spend long hours at work. They are paid in accordance with their performance. Secondly, it will be difficult for them to find the suitable balance between their personally life and their work. To focus on their own business and try to ensure that it's successful they have less time for other parts of their life which they love. Moreover, they will have to face with many risks of bad debt, bankruptcy, even unseen risks as weather condition, and they will take more responsibilities to their employees who are relying on the employer for their livelihood.  
  
On the contrary, people who choose to work for someone else have many benefits. Firstly, for a lot of people who have families and mortgages, job security is incredibly important. The will have steady income through their monthly salaries, despite the companies might be perform poorly. Secondly, because of having fixed working hours, they have more time with their family and make it a lot easier to keep a good life balance as well as not let the work take over their personal life. Working for an employer let you take not only fewer responsibilities for struggling competitors and unexpected losses but also more benefits from the company such as medical allowance, annual leaves, company cars, retirement fund. Despite of irrefutable advantages of being an employee, the risk of it is that they will work in a limited and restricted time or take unreasonable workload.  
  
In conclusion, after measuring the benefits and drawbacks, I personally prefer to be a professional employee since it has the lowest risks.
Owning a business ~~that~~ means they ~~could~~ *can* follow their passion, ~~find work motivation from interest~~ be self-motivated, as well as ...  
  
Secondly, it will be difficult for them... -> This is not really a different point from the "work more hours" mentioned in the first 2 sentences of the paragraph  
  
and they will *also have to* ~~take more~~ *show their* responsibilities ~~to~~ towards ...  
They will have ...  
  
and *make* it will be a lot ... good *work-* life balance ~~as well as~~  *, and* not let ~~the~~ work take ...  
  
Working for an employer ~~let~~ *not only lets* you take ~~not only~~ fewer responsibilities  
  
Despite ~~of~~ irrefutable advantages of **(or Inspite of irrefutable...)**  
  
Also, just a general comment, you have put only one paragraph supporting the stand you took (professional employee), but 2 paragraphs on the opposite stand. Maybe you can rewrite it, with the same points, but such that it feels like 2 paragraphs supporting your stand, and one paragraph of why you don not support the other one.
## Nowadays people get married and have children after the age of 30.

  
*Has this become a positive or negative development?*  
  
Today it has become popular that younger generations are getting married and have kids later in the age of 30. In my opinion, there are some positive and negative effects which shall be elaborated in the forthcoming paragraphs.  
  
Nowadays people are more passionate about their career. They want to build an exquisite lifestyle for their families. Because it is very hard to survive in this era of inflation if you do not have a better job earning with good amount of salary. For this reason, couples postpone the idea of a child at the earlier age and set their mind to achieve their goals and. Moreover, the women empowerment have totally changed now. In the old days, most females have the conservative thinking and culture barrier which had stopped them from doing the job but now the time and thinking have fully changed. Educated women have more awareness about employment opportunities and want to earn by own selves and to complete race with men. For example, in this technological period, women are dominating the males in every sector.  
  
On the other hand, planning a baby in the older age is not always beneficial. Apparently in women, the chances of pregnancy level become decrease with the passage of time. Young couples have more children as compared to the older ones. Furthermore, in the older age different kinds of diseases are growing rapidly like diabetes, high blood pressure etc. so their symptoms are very harmful for the new born babies. For example, a recent survey shows that 45% of the health problems usually found between the ages of 30 to 40 years.  
  
To recapitulate, marriage and family planning are the most pivotal life changing decisions so every youngster should think its outcome before taking an irresponsible decision.
Kapil, you must learn to understand the different prompt discussion requirements of the Task 2 essays. All of these are normally single opinion / point of view essays unless otherwise specified by the need to discuss 2 opinions. In this essay prompt, you are being asked to choose only one side of the discussion to represent in the essay. You need to choose one of the two sides to defend in the essay. You cannot discuss both sides of the issue unless you read the following instruction: Discuss both points of view. Without that instruction, you always pick a side to defend in the essay.  
  
That is why the essay that you wrote is not really appropriate for the task that you have been given for the essay. You cannot score more than 4 in my opinion because you failed to use the appropriate format for your response. Add to that your other grammar and sentence structure issues and your score cannot be more than a 4.5. You need to take the time to familiarize yourself with the various writing tasks for this essay, learn the format for responding to it, and then start doing your practice tests. You won't run short of those samples at this forum. There is also advice given per essay that can help you learn how to write better as well. In this case, you made an excellent effort but it just wasn't enough to get you a passing score this time.
reasons why living with your parents is good for you  
  
Being self-sufficient person is a right choice but it does not mean you have to leave your parents. At least, there are three reasons why living with your parents has certain advantages. First, you can get advice everytime you need. It is because we can not deny that everyone need some advices to be better. Your parents as people who know you well, will listen your worry and give best solution. Second, you can take care them by yourself. Even though you can employ a caregiver for helping them in many activities, but we can not be denied that your presence can support and alleviate the negative consequences of custodial caregiver. Third, it will be more economical when you live together. It means you can saving for some expenses such as electricity and water supply cost. Futhermore, you can use many stuffs together, so you do not need to buy all of the stuff that you want to use. In brief, by living with your parents you can be wise by getting their advice and responsible to care, moreover you can be economical in cost.
Hi Faradina. It is a great essay with an apparent three reasons why people should live with their parents. However, I have found some of the grammar mistakes in your essay.  
  
Being a self-sufficient ... choice, but it ...  
... get advice anytime you need.  
... everyone needs some advice to be better.  
Your parents are people ... will listen to your worries and give the best solution.  
... take care of them by yourself.  
  
Good luck in practicing Engish!
Keyla, this is a very good topic for discussion and your approach is highly interesting. The problem that I see with your "strike anywhere" approach to the discussion is that your essay suffers in terms of focus and related discussions. Each aspect of life has different stress factors and varying degrees of stress. Therefore, you cannot write a generalized stress essay. That would result in merely talking points and little explained reasons or examples in your essay.  
  
It would be better if you can decide to focus on one type of stress discussion and then develop the essay around that. For example, as a student, you would be well versed with the stress factors involved in the life of a student. You can clearly develop that paper, without the need for references because you will be basing it on your own experience. From the stress factors and how you handle it, these can easily create an interesting essay for your target discussion group (health class). By narrowing the discussion, the essay will tend to be stronger in content and presentation. It will also offer more relatable and doable solutions towards the end, based on the target audience.
## economic growth's impact on people's wealth and health

  
  
**some people say that economic growth is the only way to end hunger and poverty, while others say that economic growth is damaging the environment so it must be stopped. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
People's opinion differ as to whether economic growth help to reduce the poverty or it would contaminates our environment system. While there are some strong arguments with the former view, but I believe that it effect our ecosystem in many ways.  
  
On the one hand, there are several reasons why people think that rise in economy will remove their poverty and fulfill their basic needs. Firstly, to grow up the economy countries invest their money to open the new industries, and as a result, there would be new job opportunities for unemployed person. Consequently, people's get the job and could spend the money on basic amenities. Besides that, government can also get the taxes from these enterprises, which they could use to build a new houses for needy people. For example, countries like, in New Zealand or Canada, many house built by their government to remove the poverty and fulfill the need of people who don't have the house.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that opening new companies will result in deforestation and pollution. For example, to open up the new industries authorities need a land, and therefore they will either cut the trees or buy the land from farmers, but in these both ways they will pollute the environment. Because companies emit dangerous gases into the environment, which will deplete the ozone layer, throw their garbage and chemicals into nearby pool or river, result in water pollution, and also use the vehicles to import/export their products, which will create noise and soil pollution. At last, it's important for government to take care of their environment besides to opening a new industries.  
  
In conclusion, rise up in economy certainly has some benefits, but I think that its drawbacks outweigh them in long term.
Jagpreet. your TA score for this essay will not be enough to help you get a passing score overall. That is because your TA in terms of prompt paraphrase is incomplete. You created a personal opinion essay discussion for the whole essay when it should be a 2 public point of view + personal opinion discussion. Let me outline the mistake for you:  
  
Original instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
Your Response: I believe that it effect our ecosystem in many ways.  
  
The opening paraphrase must indicate the upcoming discussion instruction by paraphrasing the instruction sentence. This should therefore read something like:  
  
*It is important for me to analyze these two public points of view validity so that I can give a personal opinion on the topic.*  
  
You should have divided the 2 public points of view into 2 separate paragraphs. This is a 5 paragraph essay, which means the two points of view require stand alone discussion paragraphs. By combining the discussion into one paragraph, you under develop the discussion for both points of view which means your cohesiveness and coherence score will be largely affected by the little developed reasoning presentations for each side.  
  
Your concluding paragraph should have been a concluding summary which includes a repeat presentation of the discussion topic, reasons for the discussion, and your personal opinion as the closing sentence. Neglecting to do that means your TA will receive additional deductions in points considerations.
## Famous, Talented and Rich

  
  
A professional baseball player is many people's dream, it is not about sport only but also another things, such as Famous, Talented and Rich, mostly a professional baseball who has more skill are in elite club, sometimes their match are interested to watch, many people come from far away just to watch their match, it doesn't matter how expensive the ticket is caise they are so excited to watch it  
  
Talk about professional baseball player many small club starting to the next level, they follow the elite tournament and professional tournament, they try to make thier club become bigger and famous because they believe if their club is bigger with many professional player it can increase their income and that is positive thing to their club itself