dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Your approach to the discussion is totally wrong. You need to accomplish the following first:  
  
1. Give a proper prompt restatement + discussion instructions:  
*Ex. With the advent of genetic engineering, a discussion regarding its pros and cons has become evident. Some people believe that the rise of this science will allow for additional benefits to the way man exists. While some fear that such engineering feats could place the existence of man in peril. It is important that these arguments be given consideration. On my part, I wish to consider both sides of the discussion so that I can develop a personal point of view based on an understanding of the discussion points.*  
  
2. Properly use the group pronouns in reference to a third person / group pronoun discussion format:  
*Ex. Food scientists and people who support genetic engineering do so based on one reason, it is beneficial to man's way of life. They believe that....*  
  
\* This must be done twice. Once for each public point of view  
  
3. Properly develop a first person discussion paragraph in support of one of the two points of view.  
*Ex. These considerations have led me to believe that ...*  
  
4. Develop a proper concluding summary / restatement. This is completed by restating the topic for discussion, the two reasons, and your personal opinion. All in individual sentences.  
  
The discussion points you present are alright but a faulty due to your unfamiliarity with the discussion format. You should also avoid using any words that could connote indecisiveness on your part (perhaps). Basically, you just need to develop a better presentation format based on the prompt format.
Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality brings problems as well as benefits.  
  
## Do you think being a celebrity brings more benefits or problems?

  
  
Famous personalities like film celebrities and sportspersons enjoy certain rewards like respect due to their status but this popularity also comes at a cost. I believe being a celebrity a celebrity has more problems than benefits as by always being in the spotlight, you lose the concept of a personal life and also you are only relevant as long as you are popular.  
  
Firstly, once you're a celebrity all your personal affairs are in the limelight. The most intricate and intimate details about your past, your family are made public and scrutinized. Celebrities always find themselves under the microscope, constantly followed by media and paparazzi and their every decision is publicized and judged. Even their relationships are under a magnifying glass and the slightest mistake can cost them their fame and success. For instance, recently intimate pictures of various Hollywood actresses were shared on social media for the whole world to see shaming them in the process.  
  
Secondly, the fame and respect that celebrities receive is directly proportional to their popularity and performance. Movie stars are most popular when their films are performing well, similarly sportsmen are admired as long as they are performing on the pitch. Due to the fickle nature of public opinion, a single poor performance can decrease your popularity and with it all the benefits you enjoy being a celebrity. For example, Yuvraj Singh helped India win the world cup in 2011, however, in the next series he failed miserably which led to the Indian population boycotting everything associated with him.  
  
In conclusion, losing one's social and personal life is too high a cost for the celebrity status. Additionally, the benefits associated with being a celebrity are very short lived as one can fall from public grace at the smallest mistake..
Okay, there are two discussion points offered int he original prompt. One for celebrities and one for athletes. So that means your first and second reasoning paragraphs need to focus on each topic individually. That means, in every paragraph. So in the second paragraph, you should not be starting with another celebrity topic sentence. Instead, you should be starting with a reference to the athletes instead. That way, you cover both topics. What you should learn to do, is use a transition sentence at the end of the first reasoning paragraph going into the second paragraph. That way, there is a clear transition from one discussion to another. It will also help tie in the paragraphs in terms of coverage. For instance, after the reference to the photos of celebrities being published, you could have added another 2 sentences to end that paragraph with:  
  
*It is not only celebrities who have their private lives invaded by their being a celebrity. Athletes also have celebrity problems on a different scale.*  
  
The the second topic sentence could have had the following starter sentence:  
  
*Similarly sportsmen are admired as long as they are performing on the pitch.*  
  
Do you see how the cohesiveness of the paragraphs would have been better served by using a transition sentence situation at the end of the first reasoning paragraph? Creating that connected sense of conversation makes the discussion feel natural. It tells the examiner that you have truly understood the discussion requirements and you know how to approach the discussion in a manner that makes it clear to the reader.  
  
Don't get me wrong, you properly approached the essay discussion. You developed the format properly. It is just the coherence that was a major problem when I began to analyze the work that you did. There are also some other errors in your essay that should be addressed, mostly in the GRA section. You also did excellent work in using the first and second person pronouns in the essay. You used it just enough times to make it matter towards your GRA score.  
  
You accidentally used a double full stop (period) at the end of your final paragraph. You should be proofreading your work before submission. Only one punctuation mark is required at the end of the paragraph.  
  
You should try to use some more impressive vocabulary in your essay. Phrases, words, and sentences that would should an advanced vocabulary ability such as:  
  
poor performance - inferior performance  
very short lived - truly short lived  
  
Do not use memorized phrases such as "In conclusion". Try to be more creative in closing your essay. You could say something like; *"The preceding reasons should be more than enough evidence that being a celebrity has more drawbacks than benefits.."* By the way, you need to have a more proper recap at the end. Always cover the following points:  
  
- Original topic restatement  
- Personal opinion  
- Reasons provided  
- Closing sentence
## Solutions to reduce the unemployment rate

  
  
**Topic:unemployment is a serious issue throughout the world. A number of changes need to be made to reduce the problem. What should governments do to solve this issue?**  
  
It is unquestionable that the growing population of the world and the advance in sciences and technologies is making the unemployment is one of the pressing problems in the most countries. Therefore, there are a lot of solutions have been put forward to reduce the unemployment rates as well as to restrict the negative effects from unemployment on health, society and the economy.  
  
It is easily recognized that the increased population and limited opportunities, none can ensure the employment for all the graduating young people. This leads many people avow that government should try to innovate the investment policy to encourage the foreign entities invest to the various sectors. Besides, government can provide the interest-free loans to help the small and medium-sized enterprises during the crisis periods. This would be great for both employees and employers, because when the companies face to the risk of bankrupt, they must be lay off many employees to reduce the wage cost.  
  
Another reason leads to unemployment in developed countries is many companies intend to set up the factory in the places where cheap labor is available. In addition to, a lot of labors in poverty countries also try to move to developed countries to find a good Working environment and have a better income for themselves. As a result, the labors in developed countries are really hard to find a suitable job. Because of this, government should introduce the measures to tighten immigration to give the people chances of work. Furthermore, they should open some vocational trial-classes to help students have a better view of the blue collar jobs. Because, in recent years, many young people including their parent always look for white collar jobs. This leads to many people who are not good at learning or inconsonant with the office jobs to become jobless.  
  
To conclude, in spite of there are many approaches that government can implement. However, in my own personal view that the individual should be self-motivated and hardworking to develop their own situation before needing the government supports.  
  
Thanks
## Spendings and savings, and economy of a country

  
  
Some people think that it is better for a country's economy for people to spend money while others believe that it would be better for people to save money. Discuss both sides and give your opinions.  
  
Whether people should spend their money and boost national economy, or whether they should save money for future use is a controversial issue. Nobody can deny that the amount of money spent in a daily basis is directly connected with the economic situation of a country. However, I am inclined that people should keep their money safe in the banks in order to use them in case of need.  
  
Firstly, it is essential for all people to have savings for several purposes such as education. Parents should save a small amount of their monthly income, in order to invest in their children's education. As a result, children will enrich their knowledge, get prepared to leave childhood behind and become adults that are valuable assets for modern societies. Furthermore, saving money can be a personal investment for individual's health. Unfortunately, death rates from flus are steadily increased, especially in Third World countries, where poverty rates are also high. Each person should keep some money aside and use them in case of emergency, such as a surgery or a virus influenza.  
  
On the other side, few would dispute that buying material possessions will help national economies to rise and become financially stronger. In case all people start saving their money, the risk of corruption will be increased, as market will not have any earnings from purchases. For instance, in 2013, Cyprus had faced the greater financial corruption of Cypriot history. The main cause of this was the increased amount of people's savings in national banks.  
  
To sum up, although daily transactions can improve economy, I strongly believe that savings are crucial for people to live a decent life. People should save a part of their money, so in future they will have the chance to spend them wherever they want.
I can see some points:  
- You make sentences so long. In the first sentence, whether.....issue., you can make it shorter by  
... or ~~whether~~ ~~they should~~  save money for ...  
- ~~in~~ on a daily basis  
- Paragraph 2, you discuss something wrong, the prompt is asking "is it better for a country's economy", not what is the benefit for people on saving money. => you should find out which is the topic sentence related to the prompt. If you cannot do it, you seem write something wrong. So to do it better, you need to stick the topic sentence in the beginning, then focus on it  
  
- Paragraph 3 is OK, but you should say directly to topic sentence, shouldn't write like topic sentence (+) => discussion (-)  
- You didn't give your opinion. You should separate your opinion into the other group and make it more detail by answering your opinion  
The conclusion is not good. The topic didn't ask you is it good or not for saving  
You can draw circles like this "core circle": it is better for a country's economy , "discussion circle": spending money/ saving money, then think how to write it. I have learnt by this technique; however, sometimes I still misunderstand :D
## Flora and fauna in decline

  
  
In recent decades, the decrease in the number of flora and fauna around the world has been receiving a great deal of media attention, Given that this trend leads to a whole host of issues for humankind, identifying the reasons behind it is the key to finding some solutions.  
  
There are a number of reasons why plants and animals are being diminished day by day. First, due to thousands of human activities for various purposes such as producing food, products or building, etc.., people cut down trees and kill animals. In fact, they do anything to make instant benefits for themselves without taking anything into consideration, such as deforestation, using electricity or bomb to catch fish, too many pesticides for planting..., which damages creatures and their habitats as well. Second, global warming and pollution hinder the growth of living things. For example, since the average temperature is increasing, some cold creatures that can not adapt to live in hot weather can die, resulting in a decrease in number, even extinction.  
  
Nevertheless, there are also a variety of solutions to address this issue. First, each person must be aware of the importance of flora and fauna and the serious effect it will have if they die and become extinct. By encouraging people, especially young children, to plant more trees, raise animals, and protect those are in danger, this problem can be improved. Second, the government has to bring forwards strict laws to punish not only individuals but also companies that damage these living things. This means that everyone has responsibility for what they do if breaking the laws, from financial punishment to even capital one.  
  
In conclusion, human activity is the main cause of the decrease in the number of creatures. People have to take action right now to protect them before everything is too late!
You need to remember that a cohesive discussion is one that has 2 related discussion topics per paragraph. In your first reasoning paragraph, you presented the idea that forest reclamation for urban building is one of the major causes of the loss of plant and animal life. That is an excellent reason. The problem though, is that you used global warming as a second reason. That does not relate to the first reason you presented. That disconnects from the first discussion topic. A connected discussion topic would be a reference to the building of new roads that require the clearing of forests and destruction of the natural habitat of animals. Using these 2 connected discussion topics, you can use a single example to help support your claim and allow for related discussion reasons to support this stance. At the moment, your paragraph lacks clarity and shows under developed idea presentations. That stems from the lack of smooth connectivity between your topic sentences. If the topic sentences cannot share an example and reasoning, then the paragraph will be underdeveloped and lack clarity in the presentation. Your essay will definitely lower C&C points because of the confusing discussion presentation.  
  
The same problem exists within your solutions discussion. The solutions do not relate to the previous discussion topics in total. While the replanting of plants and moving of animals to a new or protected habitat would help, the government response fines and imprisonment does not flow with the first solution. A more related solution would be for the government to assign protected forest areas in relation to clearing areas for urban building and requiring land developers to build around the forest, without having to destroy too much of it to create new roads or building residences and office buildings.  
  
You have some good ideas. The problem is that it does not really connect as discussion points. Like I said, the lack of commonality in the discussion is what creates the non-cohesive and incoherent discussion paragraphs. Those are the main reasons the essay will not get a satisfactory score in an actual test.  
  
You also have grammar issues:  
can not = cannot ;meaning unable to rather than, able to but not able to (can not)  
When listing a series of related items, always use a comma before the word "and".  
Avoid the use of ellipses with a comma. It is more formal to use the comma alone.  
Never use an exclamation point in your presentation. Although a punctuation mark it signifies a strong, angry, and loud emotion in the presentation. You are only discussing things so stick to a comma, period, colon, semi-colon, parenthesis... never an exclamation point.
## The choice of cycling vs driving to work

  
  
Two charts below illustrate 5 different reasons why people commute to work by bicycle or by car.  
Overall, there are two main reasons for people who prefer traveling to work by bicycle are fitness and less pollution. On the other hand, those who choose to go to work by car because of the comfort as well as distance to office.  
  
Health and cause less contamination for environment are two big reasons for those who decide to go to office by cycling ( 30% equally ). Overmore, it seem that cycling faster than driving and without using fuels are personal reasons for cycling which account for 13% and 12% respectively. Finally, 15% people say that they did not have parking problems as they use bycicle.  
  
On the other hand, the most amount of people who choose to driving to work is because of comfort which take 40%. The same thing, distance to office is second reason for those who drive to work ( 21%). The remaining percentages are people who think driving faster than cycling and those who need to carry things to work ( 14% respectively). lastly, 11% people think that driving is safer than cycling  
  
*
You need uniformity in the way that you present your information to the reader. I do not advise the over usage of parenthesis in the Task 1 essay. A parenthesis often signifies an optional piece of information. However, you are not offering optional information. You are offering factual data from the pie chart in reference to specific data targets in the pie chart. Hence, the need to remove the information from the parenthesis and instead, offer it as vital information directly from the image presentation.  
  
You have a little problem in term of clarity in the presentation. Some problem areas are:  
  
Health and ~~cause~~ less contamination for THE environment...  
~~Overmore~~, it seem that cycling - Furthermore...seemS...  
  
These are but a few grammatical problems in your essay. You also misspelled bicycle once in this presentation.  
  
Going back to the summary overview. You forgot to completely identify the image. You have to specify that you are reviewing 2 pie charts. Not just charts. Charts are a generic reference for the image. You need to be specific in the presentation because you are filing a report to a person who may not have a copy of the image. Additionally, you also forgot to indicate the measurement type used for both charts. The rundown of the pie chart divisions were well done in your discussion paragraphs. Since there are 2 images with different target points, you did well in listing these clearly in the presentation paragraphs.
I'm taking IELTS test on July but my writing skill is still so bad :(. Please help me review my essay. Thank you sooo muchhh  
  
***Some people think that the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative ways of reducing crime.  
  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion.***  
  
While some people believe that longer imprisonment is the most effective method to lesson crime, others contend that there are more workable measure to do so. I agree with the view that long prison sentences is the best option in terms of curbing offences.  
  
On the one hand, some altenative methods are feasible to some extent. Facts indicate that the majority of convicted criminals are people who are unemployed or live in poverty. Hence, the government should attract more investment of not only domestic but also foreign coporations so that the demand for labour is boosted and as a result, the number of the unemployed will reduce and more people can meet their basic needs. Another method can be used is to educate adolescent due to the significant raise of crime commited by people at this age. For example, some youngster commit crime because they imitate violence they see on media in real life without awareness of how dangerous and illegal it is.  
  
On the other hand, prison sentence has long been the most prevalent method to deal with crime and it has proved itself to be effective. Long prison sentences create the fear of losing freedom which is the most powerful deterrent against someone's criminal acts. For example, afraid of being captured and seperated from family prevent people from committing crimes. Moreover, many prisoners re-offended when they are released ( especially with the extremely dangerous criminals like mass murderers) so the longer they are in prison, the safer the victoms and social are.  
  
In conclusion, though some others solution may plausible, i believe that the long prison sentence is still the most effective way.  
  
275 words
I'm not entirely good with punctuations but I would help.  
  
are more effective measures to do so.  
convicted criminals, are people who ...  
Another method that can be ... adolescents due to ... of crimes commited by ...  
... youngster commits a crime because ... without the awareness of how ...  
  
... to deal with crimes and it ...  
... the safer the victims and society ~~are~~.  
  
In conclusion, though ~~some~~ other~~s~~ solutions may plausible, ...
This essay should be using the 5 paragraph format:  
- Restatement  
- POV 1  
- POV 2  
- Personal opinion  
- Concluding restatement  
  
Your essay fell short of the expected discussion format. You deviated from the prompt topic in the first reasoning paragraph. The proposed discussion topic is not focused on the alternative punishment discussion. It is focused on the debate as to whether imprisonment or alternative punishments would be better in reducing the crime rate. You turned the discussion topic into finding alternative forms of punishment. At least in the first reasoning paragraph.  
  
You actually changed the discussion and as such, cannot be scored appropriately for this essay. When you change the discussion parameters, the essay will lose a percentage of points with regards to the word count requirement. You will only be scored fro the passages that still relate to the original discussion. The problem, is that your essay did not properly divide the paragraphs into the point of view topics are indicated by the discussion instructions.  
  
You are scored mostly on prompt adherence, then on clairiy, then on vocabulary, then on grammar. Your exercises should focus more on your ability to understand and perform based on English instructions. You can find apps to help you improve that aspect of your writing. Start with the basic, which is the focal point of your scores, then work your way towards improving the remaining sections from there.