dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
You do not use ownership phrases throughout your body of paragraphs to represent the public points of view (2 points) prior to discussing your point of view. The whole essay comes across a total representation of your point of view. The prompt paraphrase is incorrect and that led to the mistake on your part. Compare the two:  
  
OP: Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
YP: While there are some ... in my opinion they receive fair salaries.  
  
A prompt adherent representation of the paraphrase can be seen in the following:  
  
*There are two points of view regarding athletes salaries. Some people believe that sports people are paid too much. Others believe that the games players fees are commensurate . This essay will compare the two points of view in order for me to arrive at my own opinion regarding the discussion.*  
  
The prompt paraphrase should always showcase a restated version of the following:  
- Topic for discussion  
- Discussion topic 1  
- Discussion topic 2  
- Discussion instruction  
  
The ownership phrases (ex. While some groups believe that... , Another discussion crowd explains that... ) help to indicate what point of view is presented (pro/con /personal opinion) in each paragraph. By using the ownership words, you create a more coherent and cohesive presentation of the discussion. Rather than mistakenly representing the discussion as a personal point of view. A mistake that you made in the overall discussion of this topic.
Words like "I/Me/Myself " - cannot be used  
Introduction- Could've been better.Try writing introductory lines about the sports industry in general and then talk about the question.  
Agreement para- good point with relevant examples.  
Disagreement para-  
" Finally, sport is a multi-million-dollar industry; there are many firms that want to use popular sportspeople for advertising purposes, by making considerable investment into advertising their products." - Irrelevant point. No relation to fair salaries. you can add more points like their limited career span and their physical fitness which is of utmost importance and how they can get out of the game/team with just one injury. you can write relevant examples taking the above point into consideration.
**PS: My aim in the writing test is 7 or above.**  
  
## letter to the Training Organiser

  
  
**You are going on a month training programme to the UK and know that the head of the course would like one of the participants to be the social events' organiser.  
  
Write a letter to the Training Organiser. In your letter  
· expressing your interest in the role  
· requesting more information about it  
· explaining what experience you have  
Begin your letter as follows:  
Dear ...,**  
  
Dear Mr Smith,  
  
I am excited to be enrolled in the environment and disaster management training programme that you are organising next month in London. I noticed from a follow-up email that you are looking for someone to arrange the social events during the training's period. Therefore, I would like to offer myself for the role.  
  
I have extensive experience in organising such events. I have worked for five years as an event promoter, being in charge of huge arrangements such as married, festivals, and others. By having such experience, I am currently responsible for organising the social events in my office. Therefore, I see myself qualified for this position.  
  
I would, therefore, kindly request additional information about the events. I would be delighted if you could inform how many events I will probably be in charge as well as the expected time and days of them. As I will be attending the training programme I need to organise myself to meet your expectations without interfering with my studies' development.  
  
I look forward to hearing from you soon.  
  
Yours sincerely,  
  
Gaúcho.
It is important that you know that just because other people tell you how the might have written the letter, does not mean that you made a mistake in the way that you wrote your letter. There are no errors in your presentation. This is how you would like to write the letter and the opinion of others should respect that. There should never be any advice that undermines your confidence in your own writing abilities.  
  
You did just fine with your letter. I do not ever want you to doubt yourself. The way you express yourself is, as I always say, the way you will be scored by the examiner. The examiner will not care how other people would have written their version of the letter. All he will care about is how you expressed yourself in the task, how you made yourself understood. That is what you will be scored on. Nothing more, nothing less.  
  
Now, basing your general work on the requirements of the rubic, it is more than likely that you would get an average of 5 in all scoring areas. That means, you are doing a good job in writing. You will get a passing score. What you have to do is increase your ability to use more advanced British English vocabulary so that you can increase the LR and grammar range and accuracy of your presentation. Your vocabulary is simple enough to get the job done. We are looking for an intermediate vocabulary use at this point. You are still sticking to basic vocabulary, which hinders your ability to score better in the LR section.  
  
Your presentation is acceptable but could be improved. Try to perform more English sentence development exercises, aside from the writing task tests. By practicing to write and/or complete English sentences using various exercises (all available online), you will begin to develop your writing style from beginner, to intermediate, then hopefully, to an advanced status. I will be extremely happy once you start writing complex and simple sentences in an intermediate state. That means you can score at least or more than a 6 already in the given task.  
  
The sentence completion exercises will also help you in your essay writing because you will begin to develop your complex writing skills while also improving your vocabulary. Not to mention, you will also learn how to develop coherent and cohesive sentence presentations. Don't just keep writing the essays, practice sentence development alongside it. Otherwise, you will be limiting your writing style to the band 5 score.
*Please help me check the essay. Many thanks in advance!*  
  
## solo travelling question

  
  
In this day and age, there is an increasing number of people who tend to travel independently and this phenomenon has both benefits and drawbacks which will be compared and analyzed in this essay.  
  
To commence with, one evident benefit to travelling solo is somewhat related to low budget. In other words, it is easier to keep up your allowance when visiting new places independently on the ground that traveller can decide for themself what to spend money on. Another reason why people are inclined to travel individually is boosting their confidence. Being on their road will help them to achieve valuable life skills, challenge their limits and ability to deal with obstacles. As a result, it turns them into a more confident person. Moreover, being a solo traveller make it much easier to interact with the locals. Therefore, you can embrace more chances to make more friends.  
  
There are some drawbacks of travelling alone that also need to be taken into account. First and foremost, personal safety could be a serious concern. One clear evidence is that when people travel individually, there is no one to watch their back. For example, it is much safer for people to get back to the hotel late at night when travelling with other person. Another major issue is that you will feel lonely when travelling alone. In other words, you will not be able to share the moment, for instance, there you are, stunned by a perfect panorama or a sensational skyline and there is no one to discuss just how wonderful it is but instead, you take a few pictures and leave.  
  
In conclusion, although travelling solo has certain negative effects such as personal safety concern and feeling of loneliness, it has an extremely positive influence on people budget and confidence.
I think in the body paragraph 1, "Another reason why... is boosting their confidence" sounds unnatural, it should be "why is that..." or "why is because..."  
  
Personally, if you want to get higher score in IELTS writing, try to avoid "In this day and age", "Nowadays" and so on to start an essay because it is familiar with any IELTS learners + annoy some examiners => lose your mark
Basically, your essay did not follow the original prompt at all. The original prompt is:  
  
*Some people like to travel alone, while others think it is better to go together with someone. Discuss both views and include your opinion*  
  
As you can see, this was not an advantage/disadvantage/personal opinion essay. Rather this was a companion/no companion/personal opinion discussion. It is a comparison essay. As such, it will be clear to the examiner that you did not truly understand the prompt requirements and score you accordingly in the TA section. That means your TA score for this essay will be no higher than a 3. That means, if the deductions for the other grading sections are added up, there is no way you can reach the 5 band score with this sort of writing. You are scored highly on English understanding skills. Fail to prove that and it will be extremely difficult for you to make up the score to get the passing mark.  
  
Your full discussion was based on your personal point of view. You did not discuss the public opinion for the two points of view before presenting your own assumption. That further weakened the essay because you only discussed a partial requirement instead of all the discussion criteria. You must consider all of the scoring options primarily in the TA section and ensure an appropriate response to the expected discussion so that you can be sure that you can boost your overall score from the first paragraph onward.
**TELEVISION DOMINATES THE FREE-TIME OF TOO MANY PEOPLE. IT CAN MAKE PEOPLE LAZY AND PREVENT THEM FROM SOCIALISING WITH OTHERS. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?**  
  
Television has been the most popular choice of many people to enjoy their leisure time. As a consequence, people have become more indolent and they are no longer socialising with others. I strongly agree with this opinion.  
  
To begin with, concerning the matter of individuals are getting lazier because of watching television excessively, it is a fact that if years ago people used to use their free time with outdoor activities, nowadays being in front of the screen is the most convenient choice for the majority. For example, people have a busy lifestyle and are unable to take the time to go out for any kind of entertainment. In addition, the innumerable channels and programmes available are very attractive. Therefore, people tend to be home watching their favourites programmes. This behaviour gives rise to laziness which might also lead to health problems.  
  
It must also be pointed out that television means being indoors most of the time and no social activity is involved. For instance, I remember that in my childhood I used to spend my free time doing sports or socialising with my friends. However, nowadays children are more and more addicted to television, which leads to them turning into introverts and losing social skills.  
  
In conclusion, taking these factors into consideration, I am inclined to believe that television has made people physically inactive as well as limited their social skills. Although other factors such as the Internet contribute to this behaviour, the popularity of television is one of the main causes.
Try to write at least 275 - 300 words for the Task 2 essay to receive the maximum possible scoring considerations based on the grading rubic. You have done a very good job in paraphrasing the original prompt. You have totally changed the presentation of the sentence, while keeping the subject of the original prompt in your presentation. This shows that you have a good grasp of the English language that goes beyond memorized phrases. You also showcase an ability to use various vocabulary. The overall discussion shows a good understanding of the prompt requirements and uses a balanced mix of complex and simple sentences in every paragraph.  
  
The only problem with your essay is the concluding paragraph, where you reiterate you position on the discussion. When reiterating your position, you must include a summary of the supporting discussion topics from the body of paragraphs. The concluding statement needs to remind the reader of the previous positions in order to help them understand why you concluding statement is so strongly supported by the essay facts.  
  
This is not a bad try at writing a Task 2 essay. Like I said, your score will be helped tremendously if you have the confidence to write more than just a little over the maximum required words. You have shown the potential to score well in this task, build on it.
## children are forced into begging

  
  
People are no stranger to child begging. In Ho Chi Minh City, we can easily see under-12-year-old children begging money from passers-by. Little do people know, they are taught to kowtow and cry to arouse compassion by well-organized begging gangs. Although authorities and non-governmental organizations are trying their best to alleviate the problem, I believe it still lacks tight association. I want to bridge the gap between them so that they can work together more. Moreover, although many organizations have shown enthusiasm in helping the children, very few do actually address it. I want to establish an organization whose resources include former victims of forced child begging. We will inform the public about negative effects to change their mindset, also organize conferences and invite authorities to discuss in detail. It can make the authority tighten the law since in Vietnam, punishment for abusing child begging is light. We can also learn from India: develop fundraising application for easy donation. Together, we can eradicate the issue.
If you are writing this essay as part of your IELTS Task 2 preparations, I am sad to say that you will not be able to get a passing score for this type of work. You have written an essay that is 100 words under the required minimum word presentation. That means your essay will be graded with severe points deductions for the missing 100 words, which in turn will result in a failed TA score. The TA score requires the student to meet the 250 word minimum. So it would be useless for me to try to advise you regarding the content of your essay and points for improvement. It will already have failed anyway. Next time, write the 250 word minimum before posting here for advice.  
  
Now if this was written simply as a practice essay for no English test in particular, I have a few observations regarding your adherence to grammar rules that may be of help to you in writing your next essay.  
  
You need to learn when to use complex words and when to use simple words. When writing a simple sentence, use simple references such as "establish - set up". The difference being that to establish means to bring something into existence or to institute (something, such as a law) permanently by enactment or agreement. While to set up means to "...make carefully worked out plans for " The latter meaning is what you wanted to imply in the relevant sentence. You also need to learn to use more specific language, without additional word fillers such as "actually address". The more straightforward writing would be to lose the "actually", since it adds clarity to what you want to say and removes uncertainty in the presentation.  
  
Next time you post an essay for review, please indicate if it is for an English test or just for English practice so it can be reviewed accordingly.
(Body 2+ Conclusion).  
  
## living a full life

  
  
On the other hand, vigorous sports have their own advantages so as to maintain. First, in order to save people's lives, these kinds of sports should not be prohibited. In fact, the original purposes of these sports are survival skills for specific people living in special conditions, as a pilot, for example, he or she needs to master the way to parachute safely or in heavy-snow countries, people can find it easy to move throughout getting used to playing skiing, which plays an important role in daily life and improves their life qualities. Second, thanks to the proliferation of protective equipment, the risks would be in low level. Obviously, in the best conditions with the support of brakes and helmets, there are no longer affairs than before, which helps participants play as well as they could.  
  
In conclusion, vigorous sports, such as skiing or sky diving, should be remained. By doing this, people can ensure their lives and promote their out-door activities in hard conditions.
A proper review of your essay cannot be made due to the incomplete posting. However, a review of your adherence to British English grammar rules and other non-TA related considerations may be completed. Sorry, this is the best anybody here can do without having the complete prompt and essay to read, review, and consider.  
  
Try to use more descriptive adjectives in your essay. For example, you said "hard conditions" when the situation normally finds the athletes dealing with "HARSH conditions." I know you meant to use the term harsh but did not recall the proper term to use while writing the essay. Don't use a word that sounds similar to what you want to use if you cannot recall the correct word to use. You might use it in the wrong context and in effect, harm your GRA plus C&C scores.  
  
Your sentences also need to be more concise in presentation. Use simple words to refer to certain discussions (as to = to) will be more helpful to your score instead of complicating the presentation in a manner that could affect the clarity of your presentation. It is better to present straightforward discussions as opposed to overdeveloped but wrongly worded sentences.
## Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years

  
  
As technology is on its upsurge, there are many devices designed by artificial intelligience and latest modern technology. It is undeniable that computers are regarded as the most influential invention which play an important part of the last hundred years. From my point of view, the advent of computers is essential because of wonderful benefits they bring about.  
  
First and foremost, it is obvious that computers help us change the way we interact with each other. Besides the conventional means of communication such as face to face or letters, people in modern life can easily keep in contact with others by social network with the use of computers. Moreover, computers will help people save their time in shopping effectively with online shopping applications which are always available.  
  
Secondly, computers play a significant role in education. They are one of indispensable facilities at schools and universities. Without the assistance of computers, teachers and professors will have difficulties in presenting their lecture precisely and vividly so that their students can fully make out the lessons. Computers help students improve their self-study skills as well. For example, these days in Vietnam, there emerges a dangerous epidemic called nCoV. Vietnamese students are forced to stay at home for a fortnight to avoid catching this fatal disease, which poses an interuption in students' study. Therefore, almost every school tend to using online teaching methods, give assignments to students through Facebook or email and encourage students join online courses to continue their study as usual.  
  
Lastly, computers are the first choice that are highly recommended for entertainment. By using computers, people can play video games, watch movies and listen to music to relieve stress after hard-working days. For adults, computers help them update the breaking news and absorb the latest information and events occurring around the world.  
  
In conclusion, the advent of computers is the most important due to the way they improve human's life.
The essay is well extended, however it needs minor changes.  
  
**Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
In the last century computers have undeniably had the greatest influence on our lives. I completely agree with this statement.  
~~First ... obvious that~~  Computers ~~help us change~~ have revolutionized the way we ...  
... contact with others on social media via our computers and the Internet. ~~Moreover, computers ... available.~~ Moreover, most of business transactions are negotiated via e-mails, computer based apps, such as Skype. This is much faster, more reliable and environmentally friendly than meeting face to face or telephoning.  
  
In addition to making our interactions faster and easier, ~~Secondly,~~ computers play ...  
  
**By the time you finish the second paragraph, you will have run out of time, if you are doing IELTS task 2.** **I'd never do a third paragraph.**  
  
In conclusion, the advent of ...
The whole discussion does not follow the required parameters of the original topic. I am not sure why you decided to change the discussion instructions for this essay which are:  
  
*OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
YP: From my point of view, the advent of computers is essential because of wonderful benefits they bring about.*  
  
As you can see, you totally deviated from the task assigned fro discussion based on your response to the question. This is a combination response essay. Meaning, you have to present a measured response based on an opinion. The measured response explanation will be based on the discussion instruction which was:  
  
*Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
While your body paragraphs will be scored in accordance with the evidentiary response you gave, you will still be scored lower in the TA section as you did not properly address the question being asked with an appropriate measured response. In addition to that, there is no proper summarized discussion presented in your conclusion. The conclusion did not follow the required information presentation for the Task 2 essay.  
  
Even though you wrote over the required number of words, 309 words tells me that you did not time yourself while writing this task, please use a timer to help you gauge how well you write within the time limits, the long essay will not help improve your overall score because of the problems I indicated above. You could have presented a strong argument within 275-300 words if you only remained on point throughout the discussion paragraphs and concluding presentation.