dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Sarlinda,  
Here's my inputs and remarks towards your essay of IELTS task 2. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- Nowadays, **several**("several" doesn't represent "a half". I think that "some" is the most appropriate one) people argue that homeschooling is the best way for teaching ~~the~~ children and ~~observe~~observing their improvement in studying (studying what?)(comma is unnecessary) while others~~people~~ believe that ~~the best method for~~children's education is better if they study~~in the general schools~~through formal education at school.  
  
- ~~**This essay will discuss the perspectives based on those both methods with accompanied by a reasonable conclusion.**~~  
  
There is no right or wrong in IELTS task 2, but if you only state the above-stroked sentence, getting an acceptable score (6 or above) is only a dream. You are SUGGESTED to OUTLINE the sentence by summarizing your idea into a phrase, preferably two phrases. Therefore, the most appropriate outline will look like this:  
  
*This essay will discuss, first, **the exclusiveness and private of homeschooling**, and second, **various teaching methods that the children are more likely to have.***  
  
As you can see, TWO general ideas are presented in the introduction and will make the essay can possible achieve 6 or above. Remember, overall progression (outline) is needed to reach the acceptable score in IELTS. Hope this helps :)
Dear Linda.  
Its is a good essay actually. Yet, please pay more attention to the question. You are being asked to discuss the advantages of both views (either home schooling or general schooling), AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION. The last question is not answered by this essay and this will lead your task achievement to 5 since it is only partially answered.  
  
To begin with THE PROPONENTS WHO STAND ON THE LINE WITH THE ADVANTAGES OF HOMESCHOOLING, IT IS SAID THAT THIS IS MORE BENEFICIAL FOR CHILDREN TO LEARN AT HOME WITH PERSONAL TUTOR SINCE THEY CAN BE EASILY OBSERVED REGARDING THEIR UNDERSTANDING AND IMPROVEMENT IN EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT SPECIFICALLY THAT CANNOT BE GAINED BY THE STUDENTS IN GENERAL SCHOOL
Two earthquakes are happening in several areas of New Zealand on Tuesday, while there is no victim since this accident compared five years ago which killed 185 people and also demolished thousands of settlements. The first one occurs in the North of New Zealand with 5.6 scales richer with depth at approximately 10 kilometers. Thus, there is no tsunami in there. The second one appears in the Northeast of Christchurch with depth at about 2.5 fold less than the first quake. The reason this disaster happen is the position of this country on the ring of fire which surrounded by seismic faults and also volcano mountain.  
  
thejakartapost
Ryan,  
  
- Two earthquakes ~~are happening~~has happened in several areas of New Zealand on Tuesday. (Stop here, new sentence)~~while~~Fortunately, there is no victim ~~since~~of this accident. (stop, new sentence) In comparison with~~compared~~the earthquake in five years ago, ~~which~~it killed 185 people...  
  
- The first one occurs in the Northern part of New Zealand with 5.6 ~~scales richer~~Richter scale~~with depth~~and at approximately 10 kilometers depth .  
- Thus, ~~there is no tsunami in there~~it is not potentially trigger tsunami.  
- The second one ~~appears~~has appeared in the Northeast of Christchurch...  
- The reason why this disaster happen is because the position of this country is on the ring of fire...  
  
As you can see, several remarks and inputs have been delivered for the betterment of your essay. Hope this would help you composing a better article summary next time :)
***Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.  
  
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.***  
  
There is an opinion that the best way to teach their pupils is attending them into homeschooling while others say that public school has its own benefit. I believe that teaching children at home can make a better development of students. This essay will first discuss home-schooling can make better progress since the developments are being monitored by its teacher then present socializing is the biggest benefit of students attending public school.  
  
Every child in the world has its own uniqueness, and we cannot treat a child as same as the others. Having a small number of students, teacher can monitor every single progress and choose the most effective of teaching methods to them. This will lead the pupils to more progress than the ones attending the public school which is popularly believed that many students cannot be comprehensively monitored by the teacher. The research conducted by Mr. Fujinuma Satoru in Kyoto University finds that almost 72 percent of home-schooling students gets higher chance of success when they reach the age of 25. This is the evidence that schooling at home is the best way to develop the children's developments.  
  
However, students need to socialize in order to expand their network. As the micro model of society, public school gives the chance to its students to know each other, to act appropriately when they meet, and to have a tolerance if they meet some differences such as the way of thinking, or religion. Because of a large number of students, teacher cannot see the developments of all children in the classroom. The same research also gives the explanation that 32 percent of students cannot be fully monitored by its teacher. This is the main problem of public school.  
  
All in all, I believe that home-schooling is much better because the teacher can monitor its students comprehensively. Having a large number of friends, the students can easily socialize each other even though the developments cannot be fully seen by the teacher.  
  
(329 Words)
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.**  
  
A comparison of the proportion of senior high school students who passed their exams, based on major and sex, from 2010 to 2011, measured by percentage is revealed in the bar chart. Overall, computer science took the biggest percentage of female students. It also had the largest gap for both gender. Meanwhile, mathematics, foreign languages, and physics did not show a lot of difference between girls and boys.  
  
The three subjects which had the largest percentage were reached by overseas languages, mathematics, and computers. All of those subjects had the percentage above four in ten. Computers science owned over a half of female pupils, bigger than the females by 14.1 percent. Meanwhile, other two majors had a relative same proportion. Though, the percentage of males fewer than females at 46.8 percent for the languages and mathematics at 48.4 percent, it was only by 1 percent.  
  
Other majors, at below 30 percent, were chemistry, history, and geography. The largest gap was showed by chemistry, the girls had almost twofold than the boy at three in ten. History and geography had proportion with range 20-30 percent for both sex. At the same time, in physics subject, the females got 36.7 percent fewer by 2 percent than the males.  
  
*   
*The percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams*
Hi aini :)  
  
... from 2010 to 2011, ~~measured by percentage~~ is revealed in the bar chart.  
*you did not have to explain what the measure because proportion is enough as an explanation the graph using percentage*  
  
... gap for both genders  
*both is plural*  
  
... mathematics, and computers **science**  
  
Meanwhile, other two majors had a relative same proportion.  
*i suggest to put at least the range of both proportion*  
  
You have a great flow of writing aini :)
Hi..if you look up on Cambridge advance learner dictionary, both comparison and proportion tend to have same meaning. Therefore, only mentioning one of them is enough. Here several changes AND an alternative overview I made regarding to your introduction.  
  
~~A comparison of the proportion~~ of senior high school students.....................  
  
a breakdown of THE PROPORTION OF SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS PASSING EXAM IN SEVERAL DIFFERENT SUBJECTS, ACCORDING TO GENDER, BETWEEN 2010 AND 2011 IS PRESENTED IN THE BAR CHART. OVERALL, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF GEOGRAPHY, ALL FIGURES WERE DOMINATED BY FEMALE STUDENTS; A SIGNIFICANT GAP BETWEEN MAN AND WOMEN LEARNERS WAS SEEN IN CHEMISTRY.
Hi I want to give some comments  
  
1. A comparison of (...) students .... ~~measured by percentage~~ is revealed in the bar chart  
You have already mentioned about the measurement, 'proportion' is same as 'percentage'. It is extravagant measurement indicator  
  
2. ... did not show a lot of ~~difference~~differences between girls and boys  
'A lot of' should be followed by plural noun  
  
3. The largest gap was ~~showed~~shown by chemistry, ...  
If you want use passive, you can use be + v3.  
  
Thank you  
Keep Writing
***Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.***  
  
Nowadays, many educational methods have already established by some expertise to create many alternatives that suitable for children. In general, there are two main methods that is often used by people. First, is self-teaching by parents in their own home, second is entering pupils into school. Both methods are believed by some people will make children develop well. In my opinion, it is better if the parents combine those two methods because when in the home, their parents already know well about their own children even the pupils can learn more intensive and convenient. In addition, when they go to the school, they can socialize with his friends also get lesson based on the newest curriculum.  
  
To begin with, home-based education is one of the best methods to educate child. This is because people who take a responsibility for teaching that children are the parents. They already know what is the personality and the passionate, even their own children's potential. So, pupils can be more developed when they study appropriate with their want. Another reason that also become the advantages is because of convenient and intensive factors. For instance, in the home, we usually cannot see something that can disturb our learning process.  
  
Meanwhile, school offers other benefits that cannot be got in the home. The most influential one is about friendship. As we know when the children enroll to the school, they will see many pupils like them and make a friend with others. It is extremely boosting their Social Quotient even their emotional aspects. Furthermore, their problem solving and communication skills will be more developed. Another positive side is the children will learn materials based on curriculum that is really structured. They can also get many disciplines that cannot be learnt in their own-home. Moreover, state-officials, especially Ministry of Education usually publishes the newest curriculum that is formed throughout comprehensive research that is used as the standardization of the school, so the students can study more effective.  
  
All in all, both method have ultimately different advantages that actually cannot be separated. So, the best way for creating high quality child is by combining them.
DEAR FAIZ.  
AS SEEN HERE, YOU CLEARLY NEED MORE IMPROVEMENT IN GIVING EXPLANATION, IT IS SHOWN BY THE FIRST BODY PARAGRAPH OF YOURS.  
  
TO BEGIN WITH HOME-BASED EDUCATION. IT IS ONE OF THE BEST METHODS TO EDUCATE CHILD. THIS IS BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING CHILDREN MORE ARE THEIR PARENTS. THE PERFECT REASON FOR THIS OPINION IS OWING TO THE FACT THAT THE FATHERS AND MOTHERS HAVE ALREADY KNOWN BETTER REGARDING THE PURE PERSONALITY AND THE PASSIONATE OF THEIR CHILDREN, EVEN THEIR STRONGEST POTENTIAL THAN OTHERS (TEACHERS). BY HAVING SO, PUPILS ARE ABLE TO BE MORE DEVELOPED BECAUSE THEY ARE STUDYING ACCORDING TO THEIR WILLINGNESS AND AWARENESS. THE SECOND REASON IS DUE TO THE CONVENIENT AND INTENSIVE FACTORS. HOME SCHOOLING OFFERS THE PLEASANT FEELING OF THE STUDENTS SINCE IT IS HELD IN THEIR HOME WHERE THEY ARE NOT WORRYING ABOUT OVERLOAD-CLASS CONDITION WHICH IN SOME CASES WILL DISTRACT THEIR CONCENTRATION. MOREOVER, RELATED TO THE INTENSIVE FACTOR, THEY CAN ASK OR DISCUSS WITH THEIR PERSONAL TUTOR WITHOUT HAVING TO SHY.
**Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.  
  
Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion.**  
  
Nowadays, son and daughter can learn at home where some people believe that this is the best way. While, for another, they prefer that it is important for children to go to school. This essay first will discuss about the advantage of studying at home or known as homeschooling which makes children do not be limited by restrict school rule and obligation while if they study at school they can get more friends. Personally, I am more likely if children learn at school because in that place they learn how to be responsible person.  
  
To begin with, homeschooling or study at school has its each positive side and those types of learning are suited with needs of children. For instance, Aurelia Hermansyah, one of Indonesia teenage singers. She has many activities to perform on air or off air thus she is not able to follow rule and obligation to study at school. As a result, she chooses learning at home which is appropriate with her condition.  
  
In contrast, children who are able to study at school will feel different advantages. They can meet a large number of people then have a lot of friends. They are going to more grasp about struggling when they study together with their peers. Based on the data of Sara Lim from National University of Singapore in 2015, children who study at school are more able to achieve their maximal of building character because of they socialize in their group which taking role 47% in their future life. That way in my view, I choose children to go to school not only for that reason but also they become more responsible toward their school obligation. In fact that, they will appreciate time because school forces them to start the class in early morning. Moreover, from school they learn how to finish many assignments well. Therefore, the peak of character building to responsible is formed at school.  
  
To sum up, Juvenile will free from many school rules and assignments when they study at home. Meanwhile, young people learning at school will get a huge number of friends. In my perspective, the main good affect from school is responsible which school put on each student.
Mei, be careful of using a certain phrase. (To begin with) is only suitable to use when the writers want to describe a process having several steps. The phrase itself is used at the start of the event or process. Look up on your Cambridge dictionary, if you need a further explanation.  
  
*Furthermore, I noticed a big problem on the coherency of your essay, especially in your first body paragraph. As indicated in your introduction, being free from the tight rule stated in school is one advantage of taking homeschooling, yet an explanation confirming this thesis statement is limited and you only describe a celebrity not capable of following some obligations in school.* . I hope you still have willingness to refine this essay.
The speaker gives an explanation regarding contemporary experimental design for housing. To begin with, he stated that the most noticeable one about this construction was that it made by the professional person, but he was not an architect. The others thing that make this building special was that it constructed under the ground and the cost was low. Moreover, the present -ant recommended this house for all of societies because the light was utilized by a lot of mirrors and windows in this building. And also this settlement can provide light from the sun to generate electricity, saving much money for the occupants.
Hello,  
  
... about this construction was that it made (that it was made ) by the professional person, ...  
The others thing that make (made ) this building special was that it constructed (that it was constructed ) under the ground and the cost was low ( underground and low cost ). Moreover, the present -ant ??? recommended this house ...  
  
And also this settlement can (could ) provide light from ...  
  
Gluck ^^~
Teenagers are needed to involve certain community. In my view, working people for developing certain grub should be paid by rational salary owing to the fact that they have spent much time and thinking for it.  
  
First of all, in this era people have the highest needs that should be fulfilled, and working is one of ways to achieve it. moreover, when youths work for certain community, they should be paid in as much as they have spent much time and thinking for it. if their efforts are calculated, they will get much money from it when they work in company. furthermore, this money can help them to fulfil their needs. In which, money can make people to be more spirit to do their job and achieve the target.  
  
On the other hand, developing community cannot be achieved by ordinary effort. It need money and expert teenagers. Money make this community easy to prepare their equipment that is needed to develop their grub. Moreover, developing community needs big thinking from influences people who should be paid by higher tax than other people. Regarding to Syukron from Nancy University that say money become basic perspective for developing something in this world because everything need money, and without money, people cannot do anything.  
  
All in all, everything needs money and to develop certain community, people should be paid for it because each people has needs that should be fulfilled. Moreover, the effort of certain people should be appreciate by giving salary.
Teenagers are needed to involve IN certain~~community~~communities .  
... people for developing certain~~grub~~groups should be paid by ...  
  
First of all, in this era, (punctuation) people have (...) to achieve it. ~~moreover~~ Moreover, when youths work for certain ~~community~~ communities, they should ...  
  
1. Certain must be followed by plural noun and based on oxford dictionary, community is countable. So, you should use communities  
  
Good luck!
Hi Pram! i will give you some suggestions towards your essay  
  
In my view, ~~working people~~**People who work**for developing certain ~~grub~~**group** should be ...  
  
First of all, in this era, **(need comma)** people have the highest ~~needs~~**requirements** that should be fulfilled  
*avoid repetition*  
  
they should be paid in as much as they have spent much time and thinking for it.  
*repetitive sentence. you can paraphrase this sentence*  
**because of their ability to develop the companies' system, they should obtain the logical salary**  
  
It ~~need~~**needs** money and expert teenagers.  
  
Money ~~make~~**makes** this community ...  
*pay attention to subject verb agreement*  
  
... people should be ~~appreciate~~**appreciated** by giving salary.
**Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion**  
  
Most people in their productive ages are invited by communities to make the developments in the community system. In my opinion, giving the salary for their job in community depends on the type of the organisations such as profit or non-profit community. If the community is profit based, people have to get paid. However, they should not get paid if the type of organisation is non-profit  
  
To start with, profit based community such as start-up business have the money purposes. Even the start-up provides the social effect, people have to be paid. For example, start-up charityevent provides the space for others to give some money to others, and people who worked at there should be paid because they use their ability to work and the community gets expenses by the application which they built. It will make sense if people behind get the salary of their work.  
  
On the other hand, adults who joined in non-profit community should not be paid, and ought to voluntary themselves when making the development because the organisation will not gain any payment of their community activities. For instance, the First-Action community in Norwegia asks people to join the team to create the development in their distribution system when helping others who became victims of disaster. The organisations itself have to find the sponsorship so that their community can hold, and i think people should voluntary themselves to develop the social community  
  
To conclude, getting the salary of developing communities depends on the type of the community itself which is profit or non-profit organisation. I believe that adults will be paid with the profit organisation while they have to unpaid in community which stands for non-profit based
... communities to make the ~~developments~~ 8000]DEVELOPMENT[/b] in the community system  
1. DEVELOPMENT ---> UNCOUNTABLE, so without "s"  
  
... get paid if the type of ~~organisation~~**ORGANIZATION** is non-profit  
2. ORGANI"Z"ATION  
You make typo there  
  
For example, start-up charityevent provides the space for others to give some money to others  
3. What "other" refers to ?  
(Start up charityevent meneyediakan ruang untuk lainnya untuk memberikan uang untuk lainnnya ?????? )  
  
It will make sense if people behind get the salary of their work.  
4. What your mean "people behind" orang dibelakang? Remember ! You can't directly translate as like as Indonesia. Maybe you can change "people in the back of stage" or "back of the display" ---> dibelakang layar.
**The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009.**  
  
A breakdown of the proportion of money spent by five different categories in United States, Canada, United Kingdom, and Japan in 2009 is depicted in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest percentage for all countries, while in health care recorded less priority.  
  
To begin with, the percentage of expenditures had different values. In housing, United States experienced the most favourite expenditures at more than quarter, while in Canada gained lower percentage by about 5%. Furthermore, in food had big gap in the percentage of money spent. Japan witnessed a peak point at just under 25%, while in United States recorded by approximately 8%.  
  
On the other hand, the greatest gap appeared in the proportion of money spent in transportation. Canada existed at one in fifth, while Japan revealed twofold lower than in Canada. Moreover, in health care saw the smallest percentage at just above 0% in United Kingdom, while in United States showed at just over one in twentith. After that Canada and Japan resulted the same percentage at just under 5%.  
  
*   
*Question*
Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest percentage ...  
Mardian, I think you can emphasize your overview with add another general fact. For instance, if you see in clothing, the difference between each country is the smallest among all. You can add this to the overview. Or maybe you have other views in the bar chart.  
  
To begin with, the percentage of expenditures had different values.  
What is the meaning of that ? Maybe you can add some details like ; had "big" different value. I think all percentage had different value. Please make the writer dont' confuse with the sentence. If you translate it into indonesia: "untuk memulai, persentase dari pengeluaran memiliki nilai yang beda" ?????  
  
*Stick to the English please*