Do, I understand that you are most likely self studying for the IELTS test and as such, you are not getting proper instructions regarding the best ways to develop, write, and present your essay. You also are not cognizant of the time constraint when writing these essays. Summed up, you are not conscious of the fact that the essay that you turned is impossible to write in an actual test setting.  
  
While there is no maximum word count on the essay, you need to be conscious of the time allotted for the essay task. You only have 40 minutes with which to accomplish the following in the testing center:  
  
1. Read and understand the prompt  
2. Outline your discussion  
3. Develop a draft essay  
4. Review the content  
5. Correct the content  
6. Proofread the essay  
7. Correct all grammar, punctuation, and sentence development mistakes.  
  
The mere outlining of the discussion and development of the draft essay could take as much as 20 minutes already on your part. That means you only have 20 minutes left to finish the rest of the checklist activities before turning in the essay. Due to the number of movements required in the finalization of the essay content, it is always best that you write between 250-300 words only. Bear in mind that you are not being scored on your vocabulary but rather, on our ability to properly use the English language in a manner that makes sure you are understood by the reader. Keep it simple and focus on being understood rather than trying to use "big" words like "empirical" and "ameliorated" out of context.  
  
Now, while there is no upper word limit on the essay, there is a paragraph and sentence maximum which assures that you will not go over the top with your word presentations. Based on the 3-5 sentence limitation on the required 5 paragraphs for the Task 2 essay, you are always assured that you will be writing between 250-300 words. Manageable enough to edit in terms of the provided time limit. Stick to these limitations in order to maximize your scoring potential. You need to make yourself understood within a controlled number of sentences, without relying on run on sentences that separate different discussions using a comma. You will definitely lose points for that.  
  
Since this is an opinion essay, you should use the first person pronoun in order to strengthen your statements. The fact that you support these reasons adds to the idea that you understand what the prompt is about and how to discuss it properly. By the way, this is not an "emotional" opinion essay so there is no need to use the term "strongly". That is better used in the "emotional" opinion presentation. In connection with this, please do not use connecting words such as "because" to start a sentence because there is no thought process to connect to it. See the previous sentence that I wrote for an example as to the proper use of the word "because" in a sentence.  
  
Your concluding statement is incorrect. You are not supposed to insist upon your opinion at the end of this essay. Also, academic experts in the field will not be reading your essay. Therefore, your opinion is not going to reach their ears or eyes. Use the concluding paragraph for what is originally meant for. That is, the restatement of the prompt, the discussion points you presented within 3 body paragraphs, then a repeat of your opinion. That is all that is required.  
  
There are considerable mistakes in this essay that are reflected by my above observations. As such, I will not do an in-depth, detailed review of every mistake that you made here. I don't want you to lose confidence. I want you to think positive and believe that your next essay can be better and should be better if you apply the advice you received here. I look forward to assessing your next essay.