dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
... different countries in 2009 is shown ~~in~~BY USING the bar chart.  
1. I suggest in to reduce repetition of "IN" in the sentence.  
  
A comparison of proportion of shares [...] in health care sector.  
2. You can emphasize your introduction with adding another overview. For instance in clothing, the percentage of all countries almost same / the gap between countries is smallest in comparison with others.  
  
... needs of human life, housing was the highest proportion in all countries except Japan, ...  
In contrast, Canada was the highest proportion in clothing demand at 7% ...  
3. REPETITION: maybe in the second sentence you can change it into passive forms :  
**In contrast, the highest proportion in clothing was depicted by Canada at 7%**  
  
Another sector, Food experienced **AT** 22% in Japan while Canada was lower **BY**7% than Japan.  
4. Don't forget to add "AT" or "BY" before the number.
Meireza,  
  
- A comparison of the proportion of shares of expenditures in ~~five~~four different countries...  
- Overall, it can be seen that the United States witnessed the highest ~~proportion~~percentage in housing while the lowest proportion was the United Kingdom in health care sector. (repetitive usage of "proportion")  
  
- ~~It can be seen that~~To begin with , in the major needs of human life, housing was the ~~highest proportion~~(repetitive)largest percentage in all countries except Japan, more than 23% in America and the UK...  
  
- In contrast, Canada was the ~~highest proportion~~most dominant percentage/proportion in clothing..  
- Another sector, f ood experienced 22% in...  
- Lastly, ~~the minority of food expenditures was in America~~(repetitive sentence pattern as above)the United States of America only had 14% for food expenditures and it became the minority.  
  
Overall, some alterations have been delivered, especially in grammatical range and accuracy. I hope you can gain some improvements in the next practice. Good luck :)
**Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.  
To what extent do you agree with this statement?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Nowadays, both education institutions and parents have responsibility to tackle several problems, especially the way of juvenile unhealthy life. All in all, although fathers, mothers and schools have the problem-solving for unhealthy life of children, but juvenile itself is the most important factor which affects to their life, especially unhealthy food consumption problems.  
  
To begin, certain parents preparing some breakfast provision for their children in every morning, particularly the mother. She will cook several nutritious foods consist of vegetable, fruit and milk. Mothers will be careful to package their children's food to keep clean and she ensure that foods is healthy foods. For instance, when I was child, my mother always provided milk, bread and fruit for me before I went to the school. Her purpose was to prevent me from bought unhealthy food such junk food which can cause stomachache. That's why several parents have a tendency to protect their children by giving breakfast provision by their cooking.  
  
In the other hand, schools also have the important role to tackle that problem. Education institutions should be selective to choose food sellers in their place and the sellers have to ensure that they will provide and sell healthy foods such as main course and desserts. Not only about the ingredients of food, but also schools should be manage the place which should be clean and hygiene. For illustrate, schools provide a clean and hygiene eatery to sell their products.  
  
Even though, both of schools and parents do several actions to tackle the problems, the juvenile itself is the predominant factor to solve their unhealthy lifestyle. The children should be aware about what they are consuming and the consequence of their decision. For example, a child can buy junk food although their parents and schools not provide and prohibit them.  
  
Taking everything into consideration, even though the education institutions and the parents are take an action to tackle that problem, juvenile itself is the predominant factor to choose their own decision.
Dioba,  
Here's my insight towards your writing. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- To begin with , certain parents ~~preparing~~prepare some breakfast (...), particularly their~~the~~ mother.  
- She ~~will~~cooks several nutritious foods that consist of vegetable,...  
- Mother~~s~~~~will be careful to package~~pack/wrap their children's food carefully to keep it clean and ~~she ensure that foods is~~ensure its quality as healthy foods.  
  
- For instance, when I was a child, my mother always...  
- Her purpose was to prevent me from ~~bought~~buying/purchasing unhealthy food ~~such junk food~~(junk = unhealthy = redundant) which can...  
- ~~That's~~That is why several parents (...) children by ~~giving~~preparing/cooking breakfast. ~~provision by their cooking~~ .  
  
- ~~In~~On the other hand, ...  
- ...such as **main course and desserts.**(when it comes to examples, why don't you just come up with the real one? main course and desserts are still the general type of food/cuisine)  
  
- ..., but also schools should ~~be~~ manage the place ~~which should~~to make it become clean and hygiene.  
- ~~For~~To illustrate, schools provide a clean and hygiene ~~eatery~~canteen to sell their ~~products~~foods .  
  
As you can see, there are lots of grammatical flaws in your essay that needs to be fixed. I hope you can consider them as valuable feedback and possibly gain some improvements in the future practices. :)
Ariska Putri Pertiwi, Miss Grand International 2016, went back to her settlement in Medan, North Sumatra for the first time after won the competition. She was welcomed by the traditional music and dance from South Tapanuli. She stated that she will stay in Medan for two days. She planned to visit several places in Medan like the Rahmat International Wildlife Museum & Gallery and beauty program classes.  
  
Governor of North Sumatra, Erry Nuraidi stated that Indonesia was satisfied with Ariska's achievement because she can promote all traditional cultures in Indonesia, especially North Sumatra. He also said that the council was developing of Lake Toba place to make it more popular in the future..
Muhamad, you did some pretty good work in summarizing this article. You were able to deliver the key points of the article and successfully informed the reader regarding the comments of the North Sumatra governor in relation to her achievement and how it can help her hometown. There is a slight correction regarding the term you used to describe where she came from. Don't call it a settlement, the proper term is hometown. A settlement is a place, typically one that has hitherto been uninhabited, where people establish a community. While the hometown is describe as the town where one was born or grew up, or the town of one's present fixed residence. Do you see the difference in meaning and why the latter term is the more proper term to use in reference to where she returned to after her win? Sometimes, using the wrong term reflects badly in the essay because it changes the meaning of the sentence. Therefore, it can affect the understanding of what you wish to say and how it is received by the reader. That could result in a lower vocabulary score when an examiner analyzes your summary.
Edho,  
  
This summary has depicted clear overview of the article given. I reckon that several grammatical range and accuracy can be fixed later on while practicing some other summaries in the future. You are suggested to proofread your essay first before posting it here. At least 1-2 minutes are needed to re-read the whole summary to reduce the errors until reaching the lowest level possible. However, the detailed descriptions below are some of the flaws in your summary. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- ...for the first time after ~~won~~winning the competition.  
- She stated that she ~~will~~is going to stay in Medan for two days.  
- He also said that the council ~~was developing~~is currently developing~~of~~ Lake Toba place to ...  
  
Hope this helps :)
**Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?**  
  
In the present time, education, social and buying or selling life give higher pressures for children than in the past. The causes of this condition are high competition with other people and parents force their children to success in those sectors. Thus, the solutions to tackle this matter are guidance from parents to give support for their child and parents together with teachers must teach them to more ready in facing life challenges.  
  
Children are forced to think and act more mature when they face life problems. They get many pressures when they study, making friendship with other people and life with money orientation. Furthermore, certain parents ask them to get high rank at school. Also, children often find the gap in social status among students and it encourages them to have commercial perspective. Taking data from UNICEF in early 2016, Nowadays, student get 53% higher pressures from their life environment especially parents and school life. Therefore, most of them fail to face this matter and become lonely persons.  
  
On the other hand, parents and teachers are able to handle this situation. Parents should not force their children to be the best in all parts. They must guide their children to find their favourite subjects, hobbies, and their dreams. Besides, teachers and parents must work together to teach and prepare them to become more mature and ready to life pressures with build up the strong believe in religion. Based on the data from Children International Foundation in the middle of 2016, parents and teachers have full responsibility to help children overcome many kinds of life pressures. Thus, children must be prepared for their future life by those people.  
  
To sum up, gap in some parts of life which encourage children to stay in competition and parents who force their children to success in all aspects are the causes of children pressures. The measures to reduce this problem are parents and teachers guidance.
Meireza, your task accuracy score would be 5. While your opening statement is a bit confusing to understand, you included some keywords and phrases in your presentation that helped the reader to somehow, come to a proper conclusion regarding the essay topic. Keywords such as higher pressures, causes of this condition, solutions to tackle this matter, all helped to create a more understandable portrait of the paraphrased prompt for the reader.  
  
As for coherence and cohesion, you can get another 5. While the topic discussion is somewhat progressive and connected within the paragraphs, the lack of transition paragraphs to connect the two unrelated essay topic discussions held back the effectiveness of your discussion. The transition sentence could have helped a lot in creating a logical transition and line of discussion in the overall essay.  
  
Lexical resource, is also a 5. You used enough simple English words and keywords or phrases. However, the words you used sometimes does not really apply to the discussion. However, your opinion was still understandable and somehow managed to come through the existing vocabulary problems.  
  
Grammar range and accuracy will also fall within a 5. That is due to your limited discussion range and lack of complex sentences. The regular problems with grammar and sentence formation also affected the overall grammar presentation of the essay. However, you were still understandable to the reader, despite the stress that having to assess your paragraphs for meaning provided.
Meireza,  
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 2. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- ...to success in **those sectors**. (What sectors?)  
- Thus, the solutions to tackle this matter are ~~guidance from parents to give support for their ...~~first, parents' guidance in order to give support for their children and second, parents-teachers collaboration in teaching children is needed to make them ready in facing life challenges.  
  
- ...they face ~~life~~ problems in life .  
- They get many pressures when they study, ~~making~~make friendship ~~with other people~~ and **life with money orientation.**(what does this phrase mean? I think that your native-language has unconsciously influenced this phrase)  
  
- Furthermore, certain parents ~~ask them to get~~force them to achieve a high rank at school.  
- Taking data from UNICEF in early 2016, ~~Nowadays,~~(double time signal. [early 2016 and Nowadays]) student get 53% high~~er~~ pressures from their ~~life~~living environment...  
- ~~Therefore~~As a result , most of them have failed ...  
  
As you can see, those two paragraphs corrections represent the whole grammatical issues on your essay. I hope that you can gain some improvements in the next practice.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Dear Beauty17  
I have read your essay fully and i come up with several suggestions that i hope you should take into consideration.  
First of all, you have used word 'children' excessively. It would be better to alter it with other words which have the same meaning as it. Youths, sons or daughters for example. Since it describes that you are lack of vocabulary, so please avoid repetition.  
  
Secondly, you have to focus on how to develop the idea coherently, i mean here is the way you arrange the structures of your sentences are not looked like academic-written style. This is due to the fact that you did not put order to your sentence. The first body paragraph is the perfect example for this, it is far better if you explain the idea of academic pressure in the first, the followed by second, and third to simplify that you really arrange your sentence orderly.  
  
Good Luck
A breakdown of information about several trouble are faced by people living in overseas is shown in the bar chart and is measured in percent. All in all, 3 types of people living in overseas have the same problems and both making friends and finding live place are almost have the same percentage in people over 55.  
  
First of all, people aged 18-34 face making friends as a problem stood at almost a half. Moreover, people over 55 have percentage lower than people aged 18-34 and 35-54 at the same problem. In the other hand, people aged 35-54 difficult to find live place have the equal percentage with people aged 18-34 approximately almost four-ten.  
  
Moreover, people aged 18-34 face learning local language problems stood at almost three-ten. Furthermore, older they are, the percentage of people face learning local language more increase. More than a half on people over 55 have a problem in learning the local language. Establish a friend relationship, finding live place and learning the local language are several problems are faced in all types of age.
Dioba,  
Where is the chart?  
  
- A breakdown of the information about several troubles that are faced by people...  
- ~~All in all~~Overall , 3 types of people ~~living~~who live in overseas have the same problem~~s~~ . (stop here, new sentence)~~and~~Both making friends and finding ~~live~~ place to live ~~are almost have~~have almost the same percentage ~~in~~of people over 55.  
  
- First of all, people aged 18-34 who face making friends as a problem ~~stood~~start at almost a half.  
- Moreover, people over 55 have ~~percentage lower~~lower percentage than people...  
- ~~In~~On the other hand, people aged 35-54 who feel difficult to find (...) people aged 18-34 at approximately ~~almost~~ four-ten.  
  
As you can see, your essay suffered from structural problems and in dire need for improvements. Try to write a simple sentence correctly first rather than forcing yourself writing inaccurate-complex sentence like what you've done.
Hello dioba this is my correction for you.  
  
A breakdown of information about several trouble ... >> I think is better if you using this sentence **(The graph shows information about several trouble are faced by people living in overseas is shown in the bar chart and is measured in percent)**  
  
When you write in task 1, ensure you just write at least 150-165 words, if you write more words is probably decrease your band, because it can cause the wrong sentence and wasting your time.  
  
Please using various words, don't repeat your words, it can reduce your band. thankyou
**Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.  
To what extent do you agree with this statement?**  
  
The main problem of unhealthy lifestyle happen in manny children, particularly the use of handphone which it need solving way from both educational institution and their parents. In my view, the solving way from them must do together in order to can towards the children unhealthy lifestyle free.  
  
Nowadays, the use of handphone in information era always increase typically in children life. The children use the handphone in school and almost in their house. On the other hand, the school have the task to decrease on the handphone using when they in the school or when the children in the home, especially in their bedroom which always use their handphone. Recently, there is many school which still allow the students particularly the children to bring handphone in around school activity. Finally, will use their handphone when in the classroom or in break time. The school must not allow their student to bring handphone to the school because it will disturb the teaching and learning activity, and also it has many negative impacts to their healthy, mainly the problems in brain or their bone.  
  
However, the children have another place too which they most wate their time in the home, so the parents are the most important to solve the problem of handphone using in the children life. If the children take more their time to interact with their handphone, their healthy will have many diseases which destroy their body, such as rematic and brain or bone disease. The parents must not allow the favorite activity of their children and they can change this activity with do these activities in the home, such as gathering with many people in watching room or family room to communicate the hoby, the today news, or the school.  
  
Finally, the conclution of this problem is the both father-mother and the schools have main feature to help the children far of handphone using un their activity. I also suggest that the school and the parent always see and more protection to the children and always give may alternative acivities which interesting for the children.
Yuri, I have to tell you that you will receive a band score of 1 for this essay. The reason that the score is so dismal is because you have complete misunderstood the prompt. You have misrepresented the topic and the format of discussion that the original prompt provides. Your overview is for a completely different topic. Therefore, it is not necessary to score the essay for the other sections in the band score because you already failed the most important one, task accuracy. It is important that you understand the prompt instructions before you write the essay. You have to ask questions while you can during the practice test in order to help improve your English comprehension skills. Then work on developing a coherent, cohesive, and grammatically accurate opening statement that correctly paraphrases the prompt. When you fail to accomplish the task accuracy portion, you will automatically fail in the rest of the sections. Since you have shown that you do not understand English and cannot express yourself even in the most elementary manner of writing in the language. There is no passing this test using this essay. I suggest you have someone explain the prompt to you in your native tongue. That way you can write a new essay that will be more prompt relevant and hopefully, grammatically acceptable in English.
A century ago, Nikola Tesla discovered initial idea about wireless power which can transfer electric power wirelessly. He tried to build Tesla tower which can transfer electricity around the world. His purpose is it can be a solution for more than billions of dollars fund useless and many batteries usage in the future because batteries can causes many negative impacts for environment. Nowadays, theoretical physicists from MIT discover WiTricity. The concept of WiTricity as same as Tesla concept is transferring power or electricity over distance. The idea came from the professor when he waking up at night and heard that his wife's mobile phone was beeping because running out of the power source. The main concept of his idea is resonant energy transfer which usage a magnetic field as the medium to transfer the energy. It also has a wide range of applications in every human activity such as electric vehicle, industry and medical equipments.
**Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion.**  
  
Young people are often asked for participating for the development of communities as a volunteer, and they do not get a wage. I would firmly agree with the notion since it is the best chance for them to enrich their competency, and not all instituions provide this activity.  
  
This essay is disagree with the view of adult youths should get paid as they work in one of institutions. It is because they have lack of experience both of theoritical and practical matters. For example, according to statistical data from Keio University, reveals that 23% of young adults in Tokyo did not have enough knowledge to organize a community such as making a proposal or explaining the type of activity in fron of people. As a consequence, they should work as a volunteer, and see how other people overcome these difficulties.  
  
On the other hand, young adults can expand their knowledge about practical work in the real situation through this activity. For example, based on a publication from Jakarta Post in 2015, shows that almost 73% of volunteer in the biggest event of Indonesian Petroleum Association were dominated by people at 20 - 23 age group. As a result, those young people can enhance their skills, such as organizing or communicating. Thus, working as a volunter has a vital role towards young people to improve their competency.  
  
To sum up, I agree that young adults should train themselves in practical work as a woker who helps a community to reach its goals without being paid. They can get a huge benefit through this programme, such as improving communication skill. (267)