dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Pram, let me give some comments on your essay  
  
1. .. the figure for both health care and clothing demonstrated ~~both of~~ lower proportion than others.  
Both should be followed by and, so you need move the position of 'both'  
  
2. First of all, expenditure of food showed that the United ...  
It is better for you to mention the percentage of each category.  
  
3. Meanwhile, out coming for housing in US ...  
You can use 'money spent' to paraphrase 'expenditures'  
  
Thank you  
Keep writing
hello alfinkurnia  
this is my suggestion for you  
i think you should try to write logger than now  
  
Todd Coleman as Bio- electronics innovator and TED' ...  
It just like temporary tatt oo but flexible (...) patient in everyw here. It can monitoring, human teme prature, hearth rate. It can help doctor to monitor~~ing~~[to infinitive should followed by verb 1 and give suggestion to patient.
Hi alfin, here is my suggestions  
  
*- First of all, you have to create at least 80 words to maximise your summary  
- you have to explain the general invention so that people can understand your summary without watching it  
- it can monitoring, (seems like your explanation did not clear enough)  
- be careful on spelling, please read before you uploaded it*  
  
It just like temporary ~~tatoo~~**tattoo** but flexible electronic health monitoring patient in ~~everyhere~~**everywhere**  
  
It can monitoring, human ~~temprature~~ temperature, ~~hearth~~**heart** rate.  
  
It can help doctor to ~~monitoring~~**monitor** and give suggestion to patient.  
*to+ V1*  
  
This is revolutionary health care, and ~~make~~**makes** medicine less invasive.
Alfin, there are so many problems with your summary that I do not really know where to begin. I guess I have to start at the most obvious place, the length of the essay. As you very well know, your summary should be at least 2 paragraphs long. In this instance, you barely created one paragraph. Therefore, your essay does not pass the length requirements of the test section.  
  
Then we come to the content of the essay itself. I have absolutely no idea of what you are trying to say. Let me put it this way, in terms of cohesiveness and coherence, it would score a 1. There is absolutely no point in the information or discussion you are presenting. There is no point to your discussion. I cannot find a beginning, middle or end to your statements.  
  
You should have mentioned more about the technology and the way it works. What is the technology called? Where was it presented? Why is it important? These are but a few of the all too important data that the summary should have contained in order to be deemed an accurate summary of the article. I assume it was an article because you even forgot to provide the link to the TED talk that you are talking about.
Todd Coleman as Bioelectronics innovator and TED' speaker who explain about new technology which has many advantages.  
this sentence can be divided two sentence alfin, first you can use simple present to mention speaker occupation, because fact so you can use simple present. ( Todd Coleman is a Bioelectronic innovator bla bla bla...  
  
It just like temporary tatoo but flexible electronic health monitoring patient in everyhere.  
to make compound sentences you need 2 independent sentences each sentence has VERB.  
  
It can monitoring, human temprature, hearth rate. It can help doctor to monitoring and give suggestion to patient. This is revolutionary health care and make medicine less invasive.  
CHECK AGAIN AND RIVISE ALFIN  
  
GOOD JOB.
Nowadays, franchise plays an enormous role in Indonesia. This is because this activity can offer the benefit of employment opportunities and local products. Subsequently, this results in strengthening economy in this nation. Taking Baba Rafi as an example, at this present time, it has successfully built their business up to 1,200 outlets. Can you imagine how many workers that they hired?. This aforementioned evidence reveals that Indonesia has an considerably potential to evolve their franchise business due to the vast size area in Indonesia. An Indonesia Franchise Association study revealed that there were more than 500 franchise businesses. Astonishingly, this was followed by 24,400 branches of this business industry.
*Hi Miss Nina...  
These are my thoughts towards your summary. Actually, it is a good job, but you need small improvement. You have to know pronoun what you should use. After that, order proper linking words to make your move smoother. Make sure what you write is what in your mind. You prioritize to harness the present perfect if the circumstance you mind still happens.*  
  
This ~~is~~ OPINION HAS APPEARS because ~~this~~ THE activity can ~~offer the~~ BRING SOME benefitS of employment ...  
Subsequently, ~~this~~ ITS result~~s~~~~in~~ IS strengthening economy SECTOR in this nation.  
..., at this present time, ~~it~~ HE*(Please, you pick up proper pronouns to describe what you mind)* has successfully built ...  
... potential to evolve ~~their~~ THE franchise (...) size OF area in Indonesia.  
Astonishingly, this TREND was followed by ...  
  
Keep Writing  
GOOD LUCK  
:D
Nowadays, franchise ~~plays~~(s + agreement issu, remember that singular noun always use singular verb and plural as well) an enormous role in Indonesia. This is because ~~this~~the activity can offer the benefit ~~of~~colocation issu the corect colocation is for employment opportunities ...  
  
Subsequently, this results in strengthening ...  
there is no verb in this sentence  
  
Taking Baba Rafi as an example, at this present time, it has successfully ...  
this is confusing sentence did you mean: take it Baba Rfi as sample, it has been successfully growing up and it had more 1,200 outlets.  
  
I cannot give more advise because it better when you directly revise  
1. s +v agreement  
2. colocation  
3. use conjunction to make smoothly writing.  
  
good job!  
break a leg bro
**Question :  
An increasing number of people in these days prefer consuming fast food to home prepared ones. Why do you think this trend happen? What soft of problems might it bring into society?**  
  
Over the last decade, consuming fast food have seen in the society life style. People would rather to buy ready-made meals than home-cooked ones. This essay will discuss some reasons why this occurred and examine the consequences of this worrying trend.  
  
The main cause of this problem is prolific increase in the number of fast food restaurant. For instance, on nearly every high street there are Mac Donald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken which they mostly open 24 hours per day. This ensuring that people who are busy in their work or even the students prefer consume these foods. Another cause of an inceasing consuer is interesting advertising that encourages people to buy. There are many exaggerate advertising that offer cut of price on their foods. That will lead consumers to think that they should order as long as foods in discount price.  
  
The effects of this have been and will continue to be very serious. The most problematic is helath problem. It will be a large increase in helath related dieases, especially diabetes. This debilitating illness means people have to be injected with insulin for the rest of their life. Furthermore, the social life may be influenced. Ready-made meals which are a quick and easy option to order lead people to change their eating habits. This will result in their family interaction since they have not enough time to eat together with the home prepared foods.  
  
To sum up, it is evident that there are several causes of increasing the number of fast food consumers. Thus, there are variety of negative effects as a result. Society must ensure to prevent this problem from deteriorating further.
Sitti, in terms of task achievement, you could probably score a 5 with this essay since you are able to technically respond to the prompt and your paraphrasing is good enough to let the reader know what the task of the essay is. In terms of cohesion and cohesiveness, you would get another 5 because you have managed to organize your paragraph discussions in a logical manner going from discussing the topic provided to the consequences of the actions. Definitely a sign of logical progression. However, the discussion of the topics within the paragraph are a bit hard to follow because your lexical resource and grammar accuracy are not exactly on point. The score for that would probably along the range of 4. The reason for this would be some severe grammatical errors such as "helath" instead of the correct term which is "health" and "inceasing consuer" when what you really meant was "increasing consumer". There is also a lack of sentence clarity when you said that the activity of consuming fast food will result in family interaction when what you really were referring to was a "lack of family interaction". Those small but pivotal mistakes will always cost you big time in terms of scoring during the actual test.
hi, here are my suggestions towards your essay  
  
consuming fast food have **been** seen in ~~the society~~~~life style~~**the lifestyle of society**  
  
People would rather ~~to~~ buy ready-made meals ...  
  
*i suggest creating the general statements which will provide the explanation of your next paragraph*  
  
Another cause of an ~~inceasing~~**increasing**~~consuer~~**consumer** is interesting advertising ...  
*check your spelling before upload your essay*  
  
... advertising that ~~offer~~ offers **a** cut ~~of~~**off** price on their foods.  
advertising is uncountable so it is singular form  
  
The most problematic is ~~helath~~**health**problem.  
  
... increase in ~~helath~~**health** related ~~dieases~~**disease**
**The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009**  
  
The percentage of national shares spending on food, accommodation, transportation, health care and clothing in the US Canada, UK and Japan in 2009 is shown in the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest spending on while the least was the health care for most of the countries.  
  
First of all, the United States and Canada experienced the same proportion around 15 percent for food, followed by the UK having 20 percent, then Japan getting 3 percent higher than the UK. For housing matter, there was no proportion below 20 percent, indicating that most of the countries spent many in this sector. Around a quarter was spent by the US and UK while Canada and Japan had around 21 and 22 percent respectively.  
  
The country where spent the most on transportation was Canada having a quarter while Japan got a half of that proportion. The United States had around 17 percent, followed by the UK having 2 percent lower. For clothing, the nearly same proportion was seen among countries, having around 5 percent. Furthermore, for health care, the United States spent the most, getting around 7 percent, while the others spent below 5 percent.  
  
(198 Words)  
  
*
... is shown ~~in the~~clocation issuepassive voice always followed "by" bar graph.  
  
Overall, it can be seen that housing was the highest spending ...  
this is confusing sentence, make clear your sentence, for example overall, it can bee seen that the biggest is..... while the lowest is....  
  
First of all, the United States (...) proportion around 15 percent for food  
i think that you should concentrate see the data because you wrong get the data.  
  
then Japan getting 3 percent higher than the UK.  
there is no verb in this sentence.  
  
1. focus on s + v agreement  
2. focus on data  
3. check or ensure before uploaded
**Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion**  
  
The teenagers are frequently called to make a part of the working for community developments. There are some opinions that they should get the money for what have they done. I believe that work without being paid can be good for them, and this essay will first discuss getting paid for community is not reasonable then present that working voluntarily can form a good working behavior for adult youths.  
  
Some people believe that older-young generations should be paid for working on development of community. It is not reasonable since they work for charity. There is a statistical result conducted by International Statistical Institute (ISI) in 2015, which told that almost 74 percent of 120 nations on where the surveyed did not pay their youth, especially on community developments. Furthermore, the survey also gave the reason that paying them at this stage of age forms their mind to become money oriented. This is the reason why they are not paid of their work.  
  
However, working voluntarily can form the mind to work based on quality, not based on money, which has been proved by Mr. Fujinoma Satoru from Kyoto University. in other words, this is the right time for them to not only expand their skills but also know more their neighbors around them. This can directly increase their way to act properly with them, which can be useful in the future.  
  
All in all, for above-mentioned points, I believe that it is non-sense for youths who are popularly believed as the starting point to expand their capability to be paid for charity. Thanks to working voluntarily, the older-young generations are able to explore more about the skills they should have and pour to the community as well.  
  
(287 Words)
Ivan, for starters, there is no such thing as "older-young generations". Either you are a part of the older generation (your parents or older) or you are part of the young generation (anybody under the age of 21). You cannot be both. Make sure you use the correct terms in your essays because you are also scored on lexical accuracy so these terms could make the difference between a high or low score in the actual test.  
  
In your opening statement, you also present a hanging sentence by saying " discuss getting paid for community is not reasonable..." Always use the complete term. In this case it would be "... paid for community SERVICE..." This will be part of your grammar accuracy and range score. Improperly developed sentences such as these will pull back the final score of what would have been a very well developed essay on your part. Next, "on where they were surveyed" should be "who were surveyed..." Really, these simple errors on your part have grave effects on your final score.  
  
Let me tell you something that I seem to keep finding myself repeating to the students here. Don't use complex words, terms, or sentence structures if you are not sure that you can present those information properly. Don't risk receiving a lower score based upon forced errors when you can get a passing score based on simple, correct, and acceptable writing.
**Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?**  
  
In this modern era, the pressure is faced by not only older people, but also children. The problems consist of academic, social, and commercial matters. This essay will first discuss the causes of the obstacles, which are the national examination, bullying, and the expensive books, then present that grading based on understanding, making attention on children's behavior, and using library books can be the solutions of the problems.  
  
Nowadays, everyone faces the new challenges, so do the children. We can see from the academic perspective that the children face the national examination. One of the famous psychologist from Brisbane University, Mr. Seto, said that it could make the youth more stressful because their brain cannot afford it. Moreover, bullying is another cause that can make their life harder, especially on daily school lives. The pupils are also being forced by the teacher to buy expensive books to be their literature in the school.  
  
How the way that can be done by us to overcome these problems? We can try to change the way we grade the pupils to be based on understanding so the children are not forced to pass the exam but they should understand in order to have a higher grade. Furthermore, bullying can be solve using Anti-Bullying Method, introduced by Mr. Shiraishi from Kyoto University, which requires the teacher's attention on children's behavior so that they can reduce the bullying practice in the school. Encouraging the teacher and providing the free books by the schools in the library can also reduce the pressure of children on the commercial side, and everyone can have the same equality each other.  
  
All in all, the children's pressure on academic can be easily solved by converting the method of grading, followed by bullying which is able to be removed by the teacher responsibility on pupils' behavior. Besides, the commercial sector which leads the pressure on students can be reduced by providing a book which can be borrowed by them.  
  
(328 Words)
Ivan, in terms of task accuracy, I think you could score no higher than a 4. That is because you present the prompt in a difficult to understand manner. As such, the paraphrasing of the essay has suffered and the understanding of the reader pertaining to the topic for discussion has been compromised. It takes a few repetitions of your paraphrasing before a reader can even guess what the relationship of the topics you are presenting for discussion has with the actual prompt. Don't get me wrong, it is only the vocabulary that is a drawback for your opening statement.  
  
The cohesiveness and coherence of your discussion has more uniformity when it comes to the logical discussion of your facts and other related data. So you might score a decent 5 in that section. The fact that you quote academic sources shows that you have a clear understanding of the prompt and you are doing your best to raise the level of your discussion in the anticipation of a better score in this section of the test.  
  
The lexical resource cannot be higher than a 4 because some of the terms that you use deliver a different meaning for your sentence developments. These problems create a difficulty for the reader who has to try and figure out what the correct term you wanted to use in the sentence was.  
  
Needless to say, the grammar range and accuracy would be a 5 because of the problems with sentence development and structure. The lack of fluency in English often poses a difficulty for you in terms of writing which in turn affects the ability of the reader to easily understand your message.
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.**  
  
The proportion of students passing high school competency based on subject and gender between 2010 and 2011 is shown in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that Foreign Language and Mathematics were the subjects having the least gap between the girls and boys while the majority of subjects was dominantly passed by girls except for Geography.  
  
First of all, there was a small gap between men and women, which is almost 1 percent for both Mathematics and Foreign Language, and the percentage for both was nearly the same at around 47 percent and 49 percent respectively. The same trend was seen in Physics and History as well. The former got 37 percent for women with around 2 percent gap higher while the latter experienced 25 percent with around 3 percent gap.  
  
The highest gap was seen on Chemistry having a half of women percentage, followed by Computer Science getting 56.3 percent for girls and 42.1 percent for boys. In contrast, the Geography subject was passed dominantly by boys having around 30 percent while the women got one in ten lower than men.  
  
(183 Words)  
  
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At first, the introduction was fine. I can see that it is well-structured and well-developed. Yet, it is unfortunate when it comes to your body paragraphs. Some grammatical flaws ruined the whole essay. This make me unsure whether this essay can reach 6 or not. It might reach 5.5 due to a clear overview that you've written. However, the detailed descriptions for your grammatical issues would be described below.  
  
- ... and women, which ~~is~~was almost 1 percent (...) same at around 47 ~~percent~~ and 49 percent respectively. (redundant "percent")  
- ... around 2 percent **gap** higher while the latter (...) 3 percent **gap.**(gap = repetitive)  
  
- The highest **gap** was seen on Chemistry...  
- ... dominantly by boys ~~having around~~at approximately(having = repetitive(see above)) 30 percent while the women **got** one in ten ... (I think "got" can be replaced by "obtained/gained/achieved/reached")
Vitamin D is believed as a crucial nutrient for strong bones is warned by doctors since many people consume too many vitamin D's tablet than it is required. The wrong idea in using vitamin D have led to some misinterpretation tests, making people thinking they need to consume more. However, too much 'the sunshine vitamin' can increase calcium level in our blood, which can lead to some diseases such as nausea, constipation, kidney stones, and abnormal heart rhythm. Some studies reveal that vitamin that is needed by people are vary. Dr. JoAnn Manson of Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston and several other advisers set the recommended dietary allowance (RDA) for consuming vitamin D. Depending on age, the estimated that people need approximately 600 to 800 units of vitamin D.
Nda18,  
I can see that your summary has already well-written. Some of the flaws are actually do not really distract the meaning. The reader would still understand about what you have written. Yet, it needs to be perfected for the betterment of your essay. I hope the detailed descriptions below would be helpful for you in order to create a better summary next time. :)  
  
- ... nutrient for strong bones which is warned by doctors (...) vitamin D's tabletS than it is required.  
- The wrong idea in ~~using~~consuming vitamin D ~~have~~has led to some (...) people ~~thinking~~think that they need to consume more.  
- ... needed by people are ~~vary~~various .  
- Depending on age, ~~the~~it is estimated that...
**The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009**  
  
A comparison of proportion of shares of expenditures in five different countries in 2009 is shown in the bar chart. Overall, the United States witnessed the highest proportion in housing while the lowest proportion was United Kingdom in health care sector.  
  
It can be seen that, in the major needs of human life, housing was the highest proportion in all countries except Japan, more than 23% in America and UK while Canada was the lowest proportion in this sector. In contrast, Canada was the highest proportion in clothing demand at 7% and there was small gap between Japan and USA. Another sector, Food experienced 22% in Japan while Canada was lower 7% than Japan. Lastly, the minority of food expenditures was in America only 14%.  
  
Transportation sector witnessed 20% in Canada. Whereas, Japan was lower 10% than Canada. The second highest proportion in this area was United States around 17%. On the other hand, a very small percentage was England, Japan and Canada in health care category. UK experienced the lowest percentage only 10% while America was the greatest, two times than Japan and Canada.  
  
*