dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
No bother at all Anais. I think you will see where your faulty paraphrasing came in with the example that I will be giving you for this prompt. When you are faced with a discussion of two sides and a personal opinion essay, you have to discuss the essay in the format that I provided to you in the previous thread. Always take your time in analyzing the topic and instructions you are given for the essay in order to gain a high score in the TA section. Prove that you understand the English language enough to actually follow the instructions and your score should have a chance to be higher than it would normally be. So for this prompt I would have written it this way:  
  
*These days, it is not uncommon for first world countries to help developing countries. This has led to a discussion as to the best way to actually the newly developing nations. Would it be better to give these areas of the world financial help coming from international organizations like the UN and World Bank? Or would it be better to just guide these countries by advising them on how to handle their economy so they can develop instead? In this essay, I will offer an analysis of both sides before offering my personal opinion as relevant to the discussion.*  
  
As you can see, I aimed to use the full 5 sentence allotment for the paraphrasing and opening statement. When you use the full 5 sentences per paragraph allowance, you have a tendency to better discuss the prompt and also, offer more solid explanations on your part. When it comes to scoring, there is a better chance for an increased LR and GRA score in that instance.
Hello guys, please give me writing feedback to improve my writing skill please. Thank you in advance  
  
***Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction.  
Do you agree or disagree?  
Provide relevant examples if necessary.***  
  
## job satisfaction and the sense of recognition

  
  
These days, some people hold the opinion that the most important aspect of a job is the size of money you earn. Whereas, many people have the negative attitude in which they consider things like job satisfaction far superior when it comes to the selection of a career. I strongly agree with latter. The reasons are presented below.  
  
Admittedly, money provides a better life materially. But, as we explore the facts beyond the selection of a job, there are myriad of factor that go together in selecting a job. Without any doubt, nobody can deny the important role of money plays in our daily life. Nevertheless, since we take other aspects of a job into consideration such as precious skills and experiences one gain from the job, prospect of the job and social status, you might doubt whether money is the main determining factor for choosing a job? Is not too much narrow this belief?  
  
Furthermore, having a glance at scientists' lives reveal the fact that some of them spend their whole lives inventing new things, exploring mysterious things and innovating new technology. We can say, it is the spirits they have, contributions they have made to all human beings, great findings and inventions they have left to us makes them giant! Thanks to them, the society is developing faster and faster. Can we say that what they do is for the sake of money?  
  
There is a never-ending list to follow in addition what I mentioned above, like flexible working hours, free insurance, and others that lure the aspirants to take up the job. In my view, job satisfaction and the sense of recognition are the prime factors to choose a position.
Mohsen, there are a number of reasons as to why you cannot score higher than a 5 with this essay. It all has to do with two simple things, you presented questions without answers in your paragraphs, which is a contradiction of the rules when it comes to writing academic essays, and you used the word "but" in the wrong manner.  
  
When you write an essay of this sort, you are not being prevented from asking questions in the paragraphs. However, you are expected to offer responses to the question you posted either through the presentation of evidence or an explanation of the opinion. In this instance, you failed to do either in both paragraphs. Therefore, your essay lost points in the TA section.  
  
As for the word "But", it cannot be used to start a sentence as per academic grammar writing rules. In order to use the word "But" in the sentence, you need to have first introduced an idea which you are contradicting in the next part of the sentence. It can only be used on the middle of a sentence to connect the two ideas. It cannot be used at the start because there are no ideas to connect at that point.
Hi @Mohsen23  
I know that your idea disagrees the prompt. However, sometimes i get confuse because a lot of asking sentences that overwhelms your body paragraph. Did you mind that your readers would understand your purpose by asking question? Unfortunately, it didn't work form me as a reader. Turning to your body paragraph two, you wrote "furthermore" that means your idea connects to the first body paragraph, but it did not relate.  
  
There is a never-ending list to follow in addition what ...  
It reflects that your conclusion did not cover all your idea, instead you add additional information that you should avoid.  
  
hope it helps you
**Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?**  
  
## poverty and unemployment the main cause of the crime rise?

  
  
Daily newspaper headlines publish a plethora numbers of criminal on many kinds of offenses. I believe this account is caused by the condition of civilians trapped in poverty and as many as unemployment recorded. Therefore, to deal with this case, government should aid poor societies and should open job opportunity to employ them.  
  
Persons who are miserable are likely to commit a crime. Since their conditions sometimes force them to fulfill their needs instantly. They frequently get confused to make a living and chances to offend often widened-open. For instance, a beggar who begs on the bus and looks on a standing-man's pocket suddenly pick a man's item in a chance. The same happens to idleness persons, who give up looking for a job and transforming to be a gangster member. To satisfy their necessity, they often commit a crime such as mugging, knife crime, pocket picking, and valuable theft.  
  
To prevent a crime rate happening in daily life, government should take quick actions. Authority is able to give help to the poor by supporting capital to assist them launching enterprise. This will guide poor individuals for getting daily revenue. For jobless societies, government should collaborate with such corporations/companies to hire employees, especially those who are unemployed. They will be trained to improve their work capacity as well as skilled workers.  
  
To sum up, criminal activity is able to cut down when we meet with the solutions of causations. We should take a lot of concern, mainly on human development work either skill or ability to make money. Since offenses frequently connect to low financial and hard economy condition, leading low class to commit illegal actions. (276 words)
Nur, I would like to call your attention to a number of problems in your essay which resulted in my considering this particular written exercise a 4. It all stems from the way that you developed the essay and the grammar problems that you have in the sentences that you developed.  
  
For starters, pay attention to the prompt requirements that you were given. You know what you are supposed to do with the prompts provided right? The expectation is that you will deliver a paraphrased version of these discussions and instructions within your opening statement. Instead of doing that, you immediately launched into a discussion of the topic instead. You began offering information and lengthy considerations in the opening statement rather than just presenting the required elements. The required elements are a paraphrased prompt, the paraphrased discussion instructions, and an indication of how these elements are to be discussed in the essay.  
  
You need to work on your sentence structure and development. In the opening statement, the correct presentation would have been "plethora OF numbers". Practice using connector words in order to create a logical statement. I know that you did your best to develop complex sentences. However, you did not successfully progress beyond the problematic basic sentences because of the missing connector words and the improper use of terms (idleness persons should have been "idle persons").  
  
Finally, the concluding statement should never have additional information, specially in the notable number that you presented in your conclusion. It is impossible to develop a proper explanation for new ideas at that point, which is why it is advised that the writer not do that in the concluding statement. Rather, a quick wrap up of the discussion is preferred.
@yuukinohan4  
Sorry to say but your essay lacks structure and also there are a lot of grammatical errors. It also doesn't give specific Ans to the outlined question.  
  
I would advice u research well enough  
You could probably add statistics of crime rate increase in your country or world basis with example of the most common crimes including it in your strong introduction and not just only the amount of newspapers with the headlines.  
  
Then you could talk about the causes breaking them down and what could be done listing them in accordance with answers to each causes already given  
  
Hope this helps
@yuukinohan4  
Hi! I am learning IELTS too. Therefore, I give you some advice. Firstly, the cause of crime. Nowadays, when the world has been developing, also there are some drawbacks which are appearing and having a bad effect on our life.People think that security is not important is the firt cause. for example, they are comfortably wear the bag or inside them ther are so much money without wondering.  
  
What so we should do in that situation? we should give them a advice. Secondly , maybe bad well being make poor people become thief. they do not have engough money to live so they have to steel, we should improve stand of life. Or maybe because there are somany people who are lazy they do not want to work but they want have a good life ,they become thief. therefore we have to force them with strong law.
Hello , could you please check my task 2, academic writing , any advice to improve to band 7  
  
**These days, many children have difficulty paying attention and concentrating in their classes at school.  
What are the reasons for this?  
How can it be dealt with?**  
  
## children not engaged in school activities

  
  
One of the most controversial issues these days is how a quite difficult to children to concentrate with their teachers at school. There is a plethora number of people who discuss several major reasons. Many others, however, suggest several effective solutions. I plan to consider both sides in the following paragraphs.  
  
some people put forward many strong reasons and the wakefulness is one of them. According to the recent studies which conducted in the US and some European countries in 2015, only 20% of pupples who get sleep enough. While 80% do not have sufficient sleep or even stay up until the go to school on the next day. Another decisive point is the teacher`s performance. Some teachers are still used the quite conventional ways to explain their lessons in this modern era. That means children will feel bored then they hard focus due to nothing to lured them. As we can see, this is the tip of the iceberg among various causes.  
  
On the other hand, many people discuss several factual solutions such as organization. A parent should regulate their kid's life and that will affect directly on their children`s levels in the school and on their focus in particular. For instance, if the children sleep early, they will go to their classes with a wide awake and totally focus. The second extremely important undoing is the general atmosphere of learning which should be attractive. Hince, the school management capable of helping them with simple things. A particular perfect example is a class should be painted and decorated with attractive and energetic colors such as orange, yellow and green. clearly, it is easy to find workable solutions to such problem.  
  
To put in a nutshell, I pen down saying that the solutions will work better and quicker if the parents the school work together.
@Okaeef  
OK to begin with, your opening statement is grammatically incorrect. how a quite difficult to children to concentrate ..., it should be how difficult it is for children to concentrate.... To add fuel to fire, the statement is giving the wrong idea. I mean concentrate with their teacher on what? Plus, there is no such thing as 'plethora number'. Plethora itself means 'a lot of', it would be better to say 'a plethora of people', but to be honest, it feels strange rather than appealing. You can put a better impression by just saying 'plenty of people' instead.  
  
Are you using word's Thesaurus for lexical resource? If yes then don't do it. In English, there is a thing called subject-verb agreement. Not all verbs with same meaning can be used in every context. For instance, we can say 'Cars consume fuel' but can we say 'humans consume food'? No. For humans, the appropriate word is eat, although both words have more or less same meaning.  
  
The first para is meant to paraphrase your subject, and provide a clear topic statement on which you will further develop your essay.  
  
Start from the beginning. It has too many mistakes to point out in a single post. Right now, the essay is hardly a 4.
Okaeef, the score for this essay is 3 and it is not just because of the failing score that your lexical resource and grammar accuracy brings to your overall score consideration. The main problem with your essay is that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Which is why you ended up discussing a related topic. It is a related topic that does not address the prompt requirements properly. The prompt expected you to do only 2 things. The first, is discuss one or two reasons as to why children cannot concentrate on their lessons in school. The second, is how the problem can be dealt with. Your discussion though, focused on discussing "both sides" of an issue that was never present in the prompt requirement. You did not understand the demands of the essay and therefore, delivered a totally wrong discussion of the topic that was provided. It is because of your weak comprehension skills, which relate to task accuracy that your overall score was pulled down, resulting in your failing score.
Hi @Okaeef  
I've read your entire essay and i found some phrases and words that i did not understand exactly. I guessed that you may misspell the words because i have searched such words and i find nothing such as pupples. In introduction, you are able to refer into your body paragraph toward the idea that you want to elaborate. so that readers can get an initial illustration regarding your body paragraph instead of just said that you wanted to explain. Your first body paragraph needs a strong emphasizing regarding your idea.  
  
To put in a nutshell, I pen down saying that the solutions will work better and quicker if the parents the school work together.  
In your conclusion, i think it is not enough to just say like that. It can be a recommendation given as additional sentences. However, you need to conclude your essay explanation. It can be included; word or phrase of conclusion, thesis statement, main idea of each paragraph, and recommendation/suggestion.  
  
hope it helps you.
## changes in chinese education

  
  
Elsewhere in the land of China's education,things move slowly but trouble is brewing：a spate of universities start recruiting students from senior high school on their own.Heated fights over this problem is about whether it is an appropriate moment for China's universities to start an independent recruiting.  
  
Some people have a certain standing.They think such movement marks an important step.Now the universities can recruit elites from high school and give them a better education so that they could acquire more knowledge which is very important for their future career and life.But others believe such recruitment will not be straightforward.It will make the education in China become more inbalanced and the plight of inequality in education might worsen.And with such a tide,the abuse of power and authority in education would be growing.  
  
Given the loot at stake, I think higher education and knowledge should go hand in hand.It's too early for those universities start independent recruiting.They need time to prove it whether it's worthwhile.Chine's educationis not perfect enough to embrace such change and it still needs to be amended.
Rayli, you have an under developed opening statement. It seems like you are presenting the discussion to the reader from the middle of the discussion instead of at the very beginning. In order to better develop your essay, you have to first, state a proper thesis statement in the essay. What is the background of the recruiting discussion? Why has it become a heated topic? Why do you say "Elsewhere in China"? What was happening before this? Somehow, I feel like you have not provided me with the complete essay for consideration. There are too many missing elements in the first paragraph that make the second paragraph questionable. Please clarify those points before you proceed with any editing work on this essay. I want to be sure that you are going in the right direction.
**The graph below shows the quantities of goods transported in the UK between 1974 and 2002 by four different modes of transport.  
  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where necessary**  
  
## uk goods on the roads

  
  
The line graph below depicts the different modes of transportation used by the country United Kingdom during the period of 1974 to 2002 for transporting the commodities by using road, water,rail and pipeline.  
  
Overall it is seen that large share of their goods were transported through road transportation during this years and only less amount of goods were transported through pipelines.  
  
During the year 1974 around 70 million tones of goods were transported using road transportation and it is shown its slightly increasing through out the year except 1982 and in between 1990's and 1994 after that it is showing a hike and it reaches close to 100 million tones. Eventhough the least amount of commodities are transported through pipeline but it is showing a continuous increment throughout the year and in the year 2002 it is increased from least amount to above 20 million tonnes.  
  
Also it is clear from the line diagram that close to 40 million tonnes of goods in U.K. are transported by water and railways. Water transportation shows around 60 million tonnes were transported by them and they raised their share to abound 60 by the year 2002. While railways are fluctuating up and down during this periods but the railways never come up above 40 till 2000 and by 2002 it's showing a slight improvement and it comes up slightly above 40.  
  
*
Hi @Sajeemaka  
  
. . . used by the ~~country~~ United Kingdom . . .  
. . . during ~~the period of~~ 1974 to 2002 for . . .  
. . . during ~~this~~ **these** years . . .  
During ~~the year~~ 1974 around . . .  
  
. . . and it is shown ~~its~~ **it** slightly ~~increasing~~ **increased** ~~through out~~ **throughout** the year except 1982 and ~~in~~ between 1990's . . .  
~~Eventhough~~ **Even though** the least . . .  
. . . and in ~~the year~~ 2002 it ~~is~~ increased from **the** least amount to a . . .  
  
. . . of goods in ~~U.K.~~ **the UK** ~~are~~ **were** . . .  
. . . up and down during ~~this~~ **these** periods but the railways never ~~come~~ **came** up above . . .  
  
Good luck
Sajeemaka, since you wrote 228 words, you were able to increase your LR and GRA scores for this essay. This helped to improve the overall score even though the TA was missing some elements from the chart in your presentation. That missing element is the year when the rail and water transportation of commodities overlapped. That happened in 1979, so the year should have been indicated in the presentation of the information. Never omit to use the dates provided when given because these are small, but important parts of the presentation. It greatly increases the chances for an improved score. Overall though, I believe you did just enough to score a maximum of 6 with this essay. That score can further be improved once your presentation goes beyond the obvious and shows more analytical skills in your consideration of the presented graph information.
**Hi Sajee**, In my vantage point, you have needed a few improvements for finalizing your writing.  
  
Firstly, I only wanna remind you that you are supposed to write at least three sentences in every paragraph. Therefore, you should merge the first and second paragraph for meeting the requirement. Following this, your overview required a little development. When you wanna get a high score, you should make that more meaningful and use words which meet the meaning in reality. For example, you can write like this below.  
  
*Overall, it is important to note that the transportation through the road had always become the first choice for transporting the commodities. Meanwhile, the lowest goods had been delivered by citizens of UK with using pipeline track.*  
  
Turning to your body paragraph, honestly your sentences were less impressive. If you wanna the high score, you have to present comparison directly. You seemed to play safely. Those seemed listing data and not to compare. Keep in your mind that your job in writing task 1 is to compare figures, not to describe the data separately. Besides that, your way to display the number was not various. You can convert your information to the numbers of comparison such as "a half".  
  
Hopefully, those suggestions can help you to enhance your score.  
GOOD LUCK
Hi @Sajeemaka  
  
I have already read your entire essay, i just suggest you to group the paragraph of your overview in your introduction paragraph in case that you wrote your overview before your body paragraphs. Moving to your body paragraph, it should be better if you combine to compare the figure of road and pipeline instead of just straightly explain merely the number of each figures. In second body paragraph, you actually are able to elucidate an overlap between water and rail number in 1978 because this a very striking point. Please notice your words spelling and grammar using.  
  
hope it helps you
## world petroleum production

  
  
The bar graphs compare the proportion of world petroleum production and the amount of its usage per year in the same regions. Generally speaking, Middle East countries are the largest home of oil producers. However, its consumption is far below the countries in Asia.  
  
A closer look at the detail of the bar graph, while countries of Middle East take the first position of oil resources, two regions in the world are almost a par percentage of oil productions. They are Eastern Europe and Africa, which yield 6.58 percent and 6.38 percent of grease production consecutively. These are eight times lower than Middle East does. On the other hand, Canada's oil resources are double of Central and South America's yielding at 14.84%. All mentioned countries consume an average percentage of oil at around 6% below.  
  
Meanwhile, the other regions producing less oil seem to utilize a great deal of oil consumption. Asia is the biggest petroleum consumer among the big regions at 26.21% by which twelvefold of its resources percentage. It has around 1% lower than United States use. However, Australia and New Zealand are the least grease resources, which utilize the least oil so. (195 words)  
  
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