dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Bach  
I find your essay is quite potential about lexicon, but you are lacking detail topic so it is difficult for us to judge your essay correctly. Second, I think this essay is somewhat not relevant between your arguments and your examples like paragraph 3, because your argument is *the instructors will behave impartially* but your example is totally about the way children obey the rule but not how teachers behave. And the circumstance about students with criminal activities, according to me, is not strong enough to push your argument.  
  
And you should explain more after this *educators have firm effects on juveniles through the academic training*, because the first sentence of each paragraph is more important than others but you don't explain it clearly  
  
Hope this helps.
## STAY at the same work place OR CHANGE JOBS frequently?

  
  
**Some people prefer to stay in the same type of work all their life, and others prefer to change their jobs from time to time. Discuss both sides and state your own opinion**  
  
Career choices have become more flexible in modern life when everyone have the same opportunities, so different trends have appeared : earn a living with their current jobs forever or change them in many times in their life. Two trends have created argument among society and influenced more generations.  
  
On one hand, people who prefer to keep on their job tend to live stable lives but dangerous ones. This helps them keep their own incomes, relationships, professional skills and life skills, which make them feel safer and help them avoid ventures and risky problems. They can have opportunities to get pay raise when all their life are spent to improve job skills and cement internal relationships. Moreover, people who decide to stay same job for a long time will have chance to enjoy the rest of life and spend time to accomplish their different activities such as: take care of family, go travel or play favourite sports.  
  
On the other hand, others who prefer to change their jobs will not get rewarded in work like people who choose to stay in the same job. They must deal with many unexpected problems such as changed environments, colleagues, bosses,... even are constrained to change their own life to follow their new jobs, which prevents families who cope with financial problems. But in contrary, they get opportunities to challenge and expand themselves by confronting with various circumstances like deadline pressure, professional skills challenges and adaptability. So, they will get more experiences and can be confident in solving different difficulties.  
  
In conclusion, I appreciate who can take risks in choosing jobs because of their stuff and adventure passion so I believe that they will get the market values in the future by their own diverse experiences and have colorful lives than others.
Linh, I do not quite get the idea which side you're supporting. The task asks you **"DISCUSS BOTH SIDES AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION"**, that means you have to organize your body into 3 parts, which is POV 1, POV 2 and your own view in the third paragraph.  
  
The conclusion is not supposed to include a new idea, but you stated your opinion on it, which I found no its glimpse evidence in your body and introduction. I do not think you will get decent band score in this essay.  
  
Mistakes:  
~~ventures and risky problems~~ both of them have the same meaning as risk. So you should choose either one.  
*They can have opportunities to get pay raise ...*. This sentence is kind of clumsy. I would write:"**They also have opportunities to increase their revenue, as their life is dedicated to enhance job skills and cement internal relationships.**"  
  
~~changed~~ changing environments colleagues and bosses. No "..." because the structure "such as" only provides some examples and people obviously know there's more than that. Besides, it is not encouraged to use in IELTS writing.  
  
~~But in contrary~~ I think however or nevertheless is more accurate.  
they will ~~get~~ gain more experiences ...  
will not ~~get~~ be rewarded in work  
  
Geez, you abused using the verb ''get'' too much. Change your taste next time, please.  
  
Overall, modest essay to me, I pay a compliment in your lexical usage.
Ngo, it appears to me that you were uncertain about how to approach this type of essay writing. I base this observation on your final line in the opening paragraph that indicates a trending statement. A Task 2 essay does not need to have a trending statement. That is because there are no images for comparison provided. Rather, only a public and personal understanding of the given topic needs to be covered in a 4-5 paragraph discussion.  
  
Your opening statement would have been partially sufficient for a direct response essay. However, since you are not writing such a presentation as this is a 2 point of view + personal opinion presentation, you should have instead paraphrased the original prompt in your opening statement instead. To paraphrase means to restate the meaning and instructions of the original source in your own words. For example, you could have indicated:  
  
*There are two schools of thought when it comes to the job that people do all their lives. Some believe that it is better to vary their occupation from time to time. Others have the opinion that a person must be loyal to one profession all his life. Owing to this discussion, a comparison discussion of these two opinions shall be analyzed in this essay after which, I shall provide my own ideas regarding the topic.*  
  
The above is an example of how to properly paraphrase an original prompt. Always include:  
1. The topic  
2. The reason for the discussion (at least 2 sentences for each reason or point of view)  
3. How the discussion will be taking place.  
  
Now, your 2 body paragraphs are actually on target in terms of discussion. So you did a very good job with that aspect of writing. You showed that you have a clear idea of what you want to say and how to say it. Avoid using ellipses after a comma, you cannot use two punctuation marks in one sentence. This is an ellipse "..." you used it after a comma in your third paragraph. These mistakes have a direct bearing on your GRA score in terms of punctuation proficiency on your part.  
  
The most common mistake made by exam takers is that they more often than not indicate their personal opinion in the concluding statement. This limits the development of the presentation in terms of its ability to increase your overall score because you create an open ended instead of concluded essay. A personal statement must be presented as a stand alone paragraph anywhere within the 3 body presentation of reasons. The concluding statement should only represent the summary of the new discussion that you just made meaning it should have the following presented:  
  
1. Topic for discussion  
2. Reasons you presented for the discussion (2 reasons or POV)  
3. Repeat of your personal opinion  
4. Closing sentence  
  
Read the other sample Task 2 essays located in this forum. The various task topics already written and given advice to should help you improve your writing skills and also give you a better idea of how to approach the various discussion instruction styles for the Task 2 essay.
## short but several breaks or one long vacation?

  
  
*Some people believe school children should be given multiple short vacations, while others believe they should get one long vacation. Give the advantages of both and express your own point of view.*  
  
There is a dispute between two groups of people. Some advocate that youngsters ought to receive short but several break times in a year at school. Though others think that vocation for youngsters in school should be one and long only. This essay shall present both points of view and I will offer my own opinion at the end.  
  
Some believe that intensive school schedule without short breaks in between to children is counterproductive. Their brains are still in the developmental stage. Lack of proper resting in times will cause slower memory and reaction in the performance of their studies as students. Short breaks allow them to recharge and prepare upcoming subjects in school. So when they get back to the classroom, they are ready to learn.  
  
Nevertheless, others think that one long vacation means students can concentrate on their studies. Learning is not easy especially for the youngsters. One vacation can act as a sweet reward for their hard work throughout the year. It motivates them to work even harder to complete homeworks and finish exams. After all, they can rest and wait for the next school orientation to come.  
  
Upon reading two views of perspective, I believe that short breaks can ease the stressful feelings in children. A lot of times, the school curriculum can be overwhelmed by such equation formulas and grammar rules. It intimidates many children from learning. Having continual pauses in their yearly school timetable renders children to step away from some of the hard subjects. During the short vacation times, they can go for different activities such as hiking or fishing for relaxation.  
  
To recapitulate, on the one hand, short and multiple breaks to children in schools help their overall performance in academics. On the other hand, a break with a longer period of resting encourages students to work diligently on their subjects. These lead me to think that maybe erasing the anxiety in students is the best and foremost task to accomplish and only by providing short terms of breaks can achieve such outcome.  
  
Criticism is needed! I hope I am better than the last time on word choices and summarising. Thank you!
Hi Jimmy, I think you are making progress in word choices and conclusion! Your expressions have been more concise and clearer.  
  
However, the prompt required discussion about the **advantages** of long vacations and multiple short ones, whereas you talked about schedule without short breaks being counterproductive. This is about the **disadvantage** of long break. You may have said this to show why short breaks are necessary, but this is not a direct response to the prompt.  
  
A revision could be:  
*Short breaks could make students more productive in their learning. First, breaks provide youngsters with opportunities to relax after tiring studies. After traveling during breaks, for example, students would be refreshed to be able to work harder back in school. They may also prepare for upcoming lessons during these breaks, by reading recommended books. With these preparations, students could have more ideas to discuss about when they come back to classrooms.*  
  
Also, some suggestions to make the essay more concise.  
Their brains are still ~~in the developmental stage~~ developing.  
Changing the "prep.+adj.+n." structure into a simple adjective is a common way to make an English sentence more concise. "Stage" is catagorical, and not important in meaning.  
  
The usage of "though". Some advocate ... at school~~. Though~~ **, though/ while** others think...
SG, you are using the term "dispute" in this essay which is incorrect. Again, there is no debate/dispute being presented. Only a discussion of two different points of view. Therefore, the term you should be using can be anything from "discussion, comparative talking points, differing points of view" and other similar words that imply a logical meeting of the minds instead of an argument.  
  
Be careful with your word choices. You failed to proofread your essay yet again because you made a mistake in typing the word vacation in the opening paraphrase. A vacation means a time of rest while a vocation means "a strong feeling of suitability for a particular career or occupation." Small errors like these have big scoring implications as you know. The more small errors you have, the bigger your scoring problem later on.  
  
It is redundant to say "two views of perspective". perspective is a synonym for the word "views" in this given context. What you said was, "Upon reading these two views of views..." rather than "upon reading the differing perspectives", which is more complex in presentation. You show a growing command of the English language, try to vary your statements from simple sentences to complex. I believe you can do it at this point. You may as well practice doing so while I am here to guide you in developing that skill.  
  
When you do the concluding summary, don't use the terms "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" because you are no longer comparing the discussion. You are already stating the facts of the discussion. Present these as two independent sentences instead. You could have been more direct to the point by saying "To recapitulate, short and multiple breaks... While long breaks... These reasons have led me to think that..."  
  
By the way, vary the concluding statement opening phrase as part of your complex sentence development exercise. Let's widen that vocabulary of yours. It's time to do it. You are ready for it.
## Bar chart about UK graduates and postgraduates in UK in 2008

  
  
The bar charts compare the numbers of UK graduates and postgraduates participating towards 4 different kinds of jobs after finishing College in 2008.  
  
As conspicuous from the statistics, in both groups, most of the students chose to pursue higher education, while a third of them were unemployed after graduation. It is also noteworthy that only a small number of students decided to do voluntary work.  
  
In terms of UK graduates, a majority of students want to study further, which stood at 29,665, nearly double that of those who were in unemployment and those took part in part-time jobs, at 16,235 and 17,735, respectively. There were merely 3,500 students becoming volunteers.  
  
Regarding UK postgraduates, even though the number of these students was signification lower than that of graduates, the situation was similar as the figure for students deciding to obtain a higher degree was also the highest, at exactly 2,725. Additionally, 2,535 students did part-time employment, which was slightly more than those students who did not join the workforce, at 1,625. Lastly, the figure for student joining voluntary communities was the lowest, at only 345.  
  
(184 words)  
  
*
Min, first up, you are starting to use a memorized phrase here. You have used the phrase "As conspicuous from the statistics" in more than one analytical essay presentation here. That means you are becoming too comfortable with using that word and you do not feel a need to change it up. Try to vary your "trending" statement by using phrases like:  
  
The image shows a steady...  
Based on the most obvious trend...  
When considering the graph, there is an understanding that...  
Seeing the (fill in the blank), the trend is therefore...  
  
You need to change up your presentation during practice so that you will do that automatically during the test. Varying your trending statement presentation will help you increase your GRA score because of the complex sentence requirement of that criteria. That can be achieved by showing off your ability to vary your sentence presentations.  
  
There are only a few pieces of missing information in your summary overview such as the types of jobs the graduates and post graduates flock to for employment upon completion of their course. You need to mention that because it is specified in the chart as "titles" and therefore have a degree of importance in terms of information presentation.  
  
Your second paragraph is a run - on sentence. You should have divided those sentences, as far as I can tell, into 3 or 4 interconnected but individualized sentence presentations in the same paragraph. That way your GRA score would have again, found itself being increased in scoring possibility. BTW, towards the end of the third paragraph, where you indicate the volunteers, you can remind the reader that you are discussing graduates as volunteers, just to serve as a final reminder of the main topic for discussion in that paragraph. You could also do the same thing in the fourth paragraph. It helps to give the reader a reminder placement or topic holder in the paragraph discussion.  
  
Overall, I would have to say that this essay has potential. You just need further guidance regarding content and sentence presentation improvement to help boost your scores.
@Minh2903  
  
Paraphrase:  
  
number of UK graduates and postgraduates in terms of ( work they did /4 different kinds of job taken ) after they completing their degree in the year 2008.  
  
~~most~~ majority of ~~the~~ students chose to  
  
In overview, don't write third of them were unemployed after graduation. I'm not sure if it correct. You can replace it with more eye catching feature like, the proportion of part time workers were higher among graduates than post graduates  
  
Next, in paragraph 3, I would say use more vocabulary to express the amount of change. Also, paraphrase: In terms of UK graduates= As for UK graduates  
  
Plus there is lot of repetition of word "at" to describe changes in numbers like at 1,625, at exactly 2,725, at 16,235 and 17,735, respectively etc.To avoid repetition use synonyms.
**Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.  
  
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## Economic progress as the most important goal

  
  
Nowadays, plenty of authorities in the world consider economic progress is their first priority, while some people believe that different kinds of progress also play an important role in nations' development. In my opinion, developing the economy is necessary, but other progress are equally significant.  
  
It is undeniable that economic development brings many benefits to a country. Firstly, it brings more job opportunities and deal with one of the most serious problems in many nations: unemployment. Higher salaries in a good economy also results in higher living standards and better quality of life. Secondly, the governments are able to invest more in transport system, healthcare and education, Money from rising taxes can be used to purchase more high-tech equipment and beds for hospitals or provide more valuable scholarships for students. Finally, a developed country with a strong economy may hold a high position in the world and have more influence over developing countries.  
  
However, various kinds of progress need to be considered as well. The governments need to achieve political stability to prevent terrorism as well as create a safe and secure environment for inhabitants and foreign companies. Also, in modern times, human rights and equality are absolutely necessary to make residents feel protected, satisfied and motivated to work. Another long-term goal is to protect the environment, which is often destroyed in the economic progress. For example, there should be a limit for releasing exhausted fume from large factories, which contributes to global warming and ozone depletion.  
  
In conclusion, the authorities need to focus on not only economic development but also political stability, human rights and environmental protection.
Moon, your writing is showing signs of improvement but you are not progressing beyond simple sentence presentations. If you want to improve your GRA and C&C score, you must learn to stop counting out your reasons and instead, learn to transition between discussions in a manner that connects the two ideas so that they merge into one topic presentation in the paragraph. This creates a far more complex sentence presentation that will allow you to increase your scoring potential in the aforementioned sections. The words "firstly" and "secondly" should, in my opinion, only be place holders for future transition phrases or sentences. That is because simply counting off your reasons does not add any scoring consideration to your sentences and paragraphs but proper transition signals have an effect on the final GRA and C&C scoring.  
  
In addition to that, you also need to remember that because this is a 2 point of view plus personal opinion discussion, it is always wise and good for your C&C score if you clarify the point of view being discussed. Is this the first point of view? Second point of view? Or totally just your personal point of view? The reader needs to be clear on this because it is part of the Cohesiveness and Coherence consideration of your paper. If the reader is not clear about whose point of view is being discussed, you could leave your reader confused and less informed about the topic being presented towards the end of your discussion.  
  
That is precisely why you must outline the discussion instruction as part of the paraphrased paragraph presentation. Which is something that you failed to do this time. You don't have to stick to the formulaic "I will present both points and view and my personal opinion" for that presentation. You can vary it up by saying something like "This essay will analyze all the talking points provided by both sides with the inclusion of my personal opinion." Which creates a more complex prompt paraphrase.
I think your essay is really coherent in term of ideas and relevant explanations. However, I do not see your effort in using transition words, as firstly, secondly and finally are not really a precise choice.  
  
Also, mistakes:  
*have more ~~influence~~* influential  
*high-tech equipment**s***  
*it brings more job opportunities ~~and~~ to deal with ... many nations~~:~~ which isunemployment*. Keep in mind that ":" is not encouraged to use in formal IELTS essay.
Hi Red Moon  
Your essay is quite sufficient about both reasoning and structure, but I think when you shift to the second view, you should explain clearly first why other aspects other than economic progress are quite important too. This will make your essay has coherence.  
  
And you need more explanations in conclusion to support your option, because this phragrah also play a role as other ones, you need make it clearer to complete your structure.  
  
Hope it will help.
Please help me with this essay! I'm still practicing. Big thank!  
  
*You should spend 40 minutes on this task.  
Art classes, such as painting and drawing, are as important for children's development as other subjects, so it should be compulsory in high school. Do you agree or disagree?  
  
You should write at least 250 words.*  
  
## school curriculum WITH OR WITHOUT ART

  
  
Art is without doubt an essential part of life, thus the assertion to add it to high school curriculum has its own validity. Personally, I believe such subjects of painting, drawing, or even sculpturing can make fantastic options in students' learning program.  
  
It is clear that art classes can become a form of relaxation. More physically involved lessons give students a pleasant escape from the daily grind of academic subjects. Instead of getting stressed out with numbers and events, students can pour their hearts out with songs and pictures, which ultimately gives them a great boost of energy. More importantly, art lessons enhance students' creativity and sense of independence. No works of art are the same. Students are, in such classes, encouraged to produce and own their art. This results in students having stronger sense of self and being more willing to voice their opinion.  
  
It, however, is undeniable that imposing art classes on high schoolers can be counter-productive. Students in such age group have already faced with a myriad of problems, either personal or learning-related. Consequently, making art compulsory might turn out as another burden for some students who simply show no interest or barely own any skills for it. Also, art lessons usually fail to equip students with adequate knowledge of the field to successfully produce anything in a limited amount of time. Thus, it can be a waste of time and money for both schools and students.  
  
In summary, introducing art-related subjects in curriculum can do wonders to students' mental and physical development when being optional. What most students need is not a burden but a room for letting their hair down and being creative.