dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The writer has completely forgotten that the task only allows for 40 minutes of drafting, editing, and finalizing of the presentation. It is impossible to write 422 words within this time frame if the procedure for improving the scoring for the essay is to be followed. There should not be more than 300 words in this presentation, with an emphasis placed on the quality of the information presented rather than the word count. What I have seen in this essay is a lack of proper word referencing and sentence structure for the most part. Errors the writer could have corrected if he was not trying to pass the test based solely on the LR requirements alone.  
  
The first paragraph alone is already a misrepresentation of the original prompt with the inclusion of a sentence about the attachment of people to technology, which is not supported by the original claim. The writer also indicates that these are negatives, which is a personal opinion not covered by the discussion instruction. The writer has basically disregarded the original instructions and come up with his own interpretation of a topic which is far disconnected from the original, and without a chance of receiving a passing score. Always remember, the prompt restatement + personal opinion is not the place to begin the discussion of the topic, which is what the writer mistakenly did in this presentation.
It seems to me that the writer is trying to make unnecessary sentences and prolong his presentation to showcase advanced vocab. Throughout my Ielts studying process, I learned that simplicity is the key and sometimes, you need to simplify your use of language and focus more on how to make your essay well-thought-out, logical, and connected as task 2 is not just marked based on lexical resources. I think it is by no means a daunting task to start to put more emphasis on the other criteria, the only thing you need to do is avoiding overwriting and handle the influx of ideas, choose 1 or 2 and make it clear as much as possible with explanation and example.
## The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society

  
  
Thanks to technological advancement- with the aid of various state-of-the-art devices, people these days are able to communicate via online social networking sites including Facebook, Messenger or Telegram. As far as I am concerned, there are both upsides and downsides to this phenomenon, yet its drawbacks still prevail. This essay will attempt to expound my standpoint as follows.  
  
To begin with, a great deal of advocates are inclined to the viewpoint that benefits of social platforms are varied. One of the most prominent attractions is the comfort amid distance communication. This is because people nowadays are increasingly accustomed to living in a world that appreciates intelligent gadgets and online apps, thus social media may play an integral role in their maxims. Take Telegram as a vivid illustration, this app enables people all around the world to connect, communicate and discuss their work through video calls with vivid images and stable internet connection and also without any charge of fees. These kinds of social platforms, moreover, are also perceived as a tool that enable far-distance relatives and acquaintances to stay in contact.  
  
On the other hand, despite these aforementioned merits described above, they are still eclipsed by the demerits. First and foremost, being over-reliant on these intelligent apps, people are more susceptible to a serious lack of social skills including face-to-face interaction, basic human contact and the confidence among the crowd. This has mostly stemmed from the fact that over-exposure to social media may discourage real interaction in public such as gestures and touch, which may drive them to the state of alienation and social predisposition. Coupled with this is the potential of cyber-crimes and anonymous hackers, who can easily steal their personal information and take advantage of them for negative purposes.  
  
In conclusion, it is incontrovertible that social networking sites bring in an array of benefits to occupied people as it can save a lot of time for them, yet it seems to me that direct communication could not be superseded due to basic human contact.
The writer has not done a very good job of restating the prompt. He over informed the reader, creating a discussion basis not indicated in the original presentation. This is actually just a 3 sentence restatement + writer opinion paragraph. After a simple topic restatement, the next sentence should have been a clear writer opinion based on the keywords "advantage or disadvantage". The last sentence should be the merged 2 reasons that will be discussed within the essay. This is the format that must be followed if the writer wishes to achieve at least a 50% passing score for the overall essay, based on the opening paragraph alone.  
  
The reasoning paragraphs are not convincingly developed. Why does the writer see the use of social media as a disadvantage rather than an advantage? Sure he stated that it is an advantage, but the focus of his essay must be on proving that the advantage, as believed by others, is actually a disadvantage. If one were to proceed to read the disadvantage paragraph, one will notice a disconnection between the previous paragraph and the next one. That is why it is important to use 2 topic and example paragraphs that focus on convicing the reader that the advantages are true disadvantages.  
  
The presentation is only acceptable in the last part, since this is the portion that supports the writer's actual opinion. The previous paragraph will not be considered a part of the developed presentation. It will represent an undedevelopment of the discussion instead and will lower the score accordingly.
## **Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food.**

  
*Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work.  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.*  
  
It is a fact that people are doing great harm to their bodies by consuming processed food with a high frequency. To many people, the best method to preclude this growing pressing matter is education while others disagree and claim that educating people of the dire effects of unhealthy food will be of no avail. I personally agree with those who believe that education is the key to this problem.  
  
There are several ways in which educating might be ineffective in the fight against the consumption of processed food. The first reason is simply because it saves a lot of time in the current fast-paced lifestyle. In the hustle and bustle of the city rat race, people often crave time, always prioritise productivity and that's why handy food like that gain such popularity. In this case, the situation basically leaves them with little choice. The second rationale to ignore the role of education is that the price of this food is most of the time affordable. The fact why junk food is favour by most people, especially children and teenagers comes from its modest price for a nice treat. It can satisfy people of all socioeconomic statuses, from the people of low-income families to the affluent entrepreneurs who are always on business and lack time.  
  
However, I'm still on the side that without education, the problem will never be eradicated comprehensively in the future. All problems in society seem to stem from people's mindset and behaviour that is inherited in the environment they live in. For example, if a child lives in a house where his parents consume fast food on a daily basis, he may have the tendency to do so. The only way to break this convention is certainly a change in awareness that can only be brought about by education. With the equipment of knowledge, people may steer clear of this kind of food in aware of how detrimental it is or at least try to reduce how much they consume ready-made food. The educational programs and campaigns designed to raise people's awareness are in effect prove fruitful. For example, people gradually shift to a more healthy diet of vegetable-based meals made from home thanks to the growing amount of tutor videos about eating clean. Had it not been for education, people would never experience such a change now.  
  
In conclusion, while I agree that there are a couple of reasons why people can ignore what they know about the adverse impacts of overconsuming junk food, education still plays a vital role in the elimination of this issue.  
  
P/s: I know that I overwrite a lot, and I am desperate to know is there any way to make it more concise while at the same time remaining well-presented. Thanks a lot!!!
Since a specific question was indicated and the need for advice regarding it is evident, I will not be offering an essay review in this instance. I will instead, respond to the question of the writer. Yes, the essay is too long and can be shorter. That is why I recommend that the student not write more than 300 words for the total essay. 300 words is equivalent to 5 sentences per paragraph or 20 lines overall in the presentation.  
  
The best way to avoid overwriting is to avoid using place holders, word, sentence, or phrase fillers that do nothing to move the idea of the writer forward. Mentions of:  
  
In the hustle and bustle of the city rat race,  
In this case,  
For example,  
In conclusion  
are all unnecessary in the presentation as these are mere extenders used to meet the word count. Useful sentence ideas that actually provide concise content should be developed through the review and revision of paragraphs and sentences. Learn to compress the meaning of the sentence, without using a run-on. It is not important to overdiscuss and use a lot of words. Practice saying more with less words. This can be practiced by not using IELTS task 2 discussion essays yet. One can learn to practice the less is more writing style through the writing of task 1 analysis essays, which require no more than 200 words to complete. Perfect the task 1 essay word count and the task 2 essay presentation will be easier to accomplish in short form.
***Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that only small differences between the richest and the poorest members.  
  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 ( SOCIAL )***  
  
While some people consider shortening the gap between the prosperous and the penurious as the most practical method to forming a wholesome society, I completely disapprove of this statement and I will recommend other ways that could make the living environment more auspicious.  
  
Granted, one might argue that narrowing the dichotomy between the rich and the poor would help society be more blissful because residents could have the same high living standard. To exemplify this, in some thriving areas, like Dubai, which are notorious for huge disproportionate wealth distribution, there exists a large number of residents staying in run-down neighborhoods and facing financial problems and these could lower the level of happiness. However, this line of reasoning is not sound on the ground that material possessions are not the culprit of social cheerfulness. Matter-of-factly, although living under luxury, some wealthy people do not feel happy enough while many disadvantaged people are satisfied with their lives.  
  
To add further credence to my assertion, I believe that instead of creating a minimal gap between social classes, the authority should pay heed to other aspects of life including health service and education. This is due to the fact that a healthy diet that consists of valuable nutrition like Vitamin A, minerals or Omega 3 could exert a positive impact on mentality to some extent. In addition, the school's curriculum should be dedicated to arts-based subjects and extracurricular activities rather than academic subjects. Consequently, students could have a window of opportunities to explore the meaning of life, forming a joyful society.  
  
In conclusion, bridging the gap between the privileged and underprivileged with a view to producing a happier living habitat is not an efficient approach. From my perspective, the cheerfulness of surroundings should be based on excellent health-care and comprehensive learning.
The writer has used several advanced English words incorrectly in this presentation. These improperly referenced words reduced the LR score of the presentation in a large manner. While it is clear that the writer is owning the opinion based on his pronoun usage, something that will help his C+C score, the problem with word usage cannot be ignored. He just uses words without knowing the actual meaning. What he wanted to say positively, due to incorrect word choice, became a negative, which ran counter to what he was trying to say. Those word usage errors are the biggest reason why his LR and GRA scores will be greatly reduced. The incorrect word choices has resulted in confusing statements that will leave the reader / examiner confused by the actual meaning of his sentence / paragraph. When confusion occurs, a failing score will be given to the GRA section. These errors will result in a failing final score even as the writer has met the word count and response format requirements.
## Women and men in one Asian country who passed when they took their driving test

  
  
The bar chart illustrates data about the average of males and females who have done their driving test in certain area in Asia, between 1980 and 2010.  
  
In general, there was a significantly upward trend in the porpotion of both genders who completed driving test, even though the percentage of women was dominated over the period.  
  
Looking at the details, at the beginning of the period, the rates of women who succed in driving test just over 50%, which was the slowest number and this percentage slighty increase nearly 52% in 1990. Continue this trend, the number of females passing drive test reached a peak, approximately 70%. However, this number saw a sightly went down at the end of the period, more than 60%  
  
Besides, the rates of men who passed driving test was rapidly went up in the first 20 years. The number of driving test, which was done by males, was began at around a third percent, and sharply increased to 50% in 2000. This number was remained stable at the end of the period.
The summary overview needs to indicate that there are 2 divisions present in the bar chart. If the writer will review the image, he can see that the male and female results are not a combined result presentation but a divided one. Therefore, that separation of results needs to be clearly indicated for the benefit of the reader. By the way, the paragraph is going to lower the GRA score since it represents a run-on sentence in a presentation that requires 3-5 sentences instead. So the summary overview will be problematic when scoring considerations are applied.  
  
There are definite problems with English word usage throughout the essay. The writer consistently misuses and incorrectly spells words such as  
  
porpotion  
and  
  
sightly  
Those spelling and word usage errors are only the start of the problems with regards to sentence structure in the presentation. The writer does not show an ability to properly develop a clear thought presentation in his sentences due to the incorrect grammar and incorrect sentence structuring in the paragraphs. These numerous errors will result in 2 failing scores covering the LR and GRA sections. These problems may result in a less than passing score had this been an actual test setting.
The first thing I wanna recommend is to attach an image of the chart you are reporting about so the consultant and other people will have an insight into your writing.  
  
Second, the report is too short to be considered a comprehensively and thoroughly written work  
  
Third, there are so many grammar mistakes you need to work on in this essay:  
+ a significant~~tly~~ upward trend  
+ saw a slight~~ly~~ decrease/ fall/ drop of X%". verb cannot be followed by a verb  
+ "the percentage of women was dominated over the period" - could not be dominated, it dominated or maybe you could say was dominating but always with the active form. The same for "was remained stable" you should change it into active form  
  
+ succed, slighty, sightly -> basic words in English you need to learn again how to write them correctly otherwise, your score will go down dramatically.  
  
+ "This number was remained stable at the end of the period". I think at the end is a point, but to remain stable means the data has to go through a certain period of time. You should write it like: "This figure remained stable towards the end of the period"  
  
You should read a lot more samples and notice how they combine words, analyse and add details. Your grammar is somehow below the acceptable point.
## Crimes committed by young people are increasing in major cities throughout the world

  
  
It is an alarming fact that the juvenile crime rate is growing in metropolises around the globe recently. Although there are some underlying causes of this concerning phenomenon, some measures can be adopted to tackle the problem.  
  
The main and perhaps the most persuasive explanation for this tendency would be the lack of parental concern and attention. Without control, people at young age are very impressionable and have little ability to resist temptation in a world strewed with traps and pitfalls. As a result, youngsters will be easily lured into partaking in committing crimes by social convicts. To deal with this, it is of utter importance that parents must take the responsibility to spend time in their own busy lives to make sure that their children are looked after and orientated the right direction.  
  
Another vital factor which triggers the increase in youth-perpetrated crime is the unemployment. In this day and age, there is influx of immigrants into cities with hopes of earning their living, mostly young adult. Nevertheless, they will soon suffer from disillusion of city life with the harsh realities of unemployment and poverty - the only choice for them is turning to crimes such as burglar or robbery so as to get money. A practical measure that could be taken on this front is that governments should have job creation schemes which are suitable with each's capacity to aid them have subsistence wages.  
  
In conclusion, while the escalation in crimes undertaken by young people is worrying, by applying some steps the problem can be considerably diminished, if not altogether eliminated.
The writer should not sensationalize the reference to the given topic. It does not add to the restatement accuracy and instead, leads to a topic alteration which could adversely affect the score for the paragraph. Merely repeating the discussion instruction also fails to meet the clear opinion presentation requirement for the paragraph. The examiner does not need to be told what the discussion is about. He already knows that. What he does need to know is how well you can state the basis for your opinion within 2 sentences, using the questions provided as a guide. The prompt restatement + writer's opinion failed to accomplish that in this paragraph.  
  
A very good first reasoning paragraph was provided. It effectively uses the cause + effect + solution presentation. That is a strong paragraph even though the solution sentence could have been more effectively stated, maybe over 2 sentences rather than 1. There was room for a longer explanation, the writer has only used 263 words of the 300 maximum anyway.  
  
Reason number 2 does not focus on juvenile delinquency as the topic. Remember that the focus is on young people, not young adults who need to work. The idea behind the essay is that crimes are committed by members of the youth sector who are not old enough to gain employment yet. That is an irrelevant discussion that will be awarded points based only on LR and GRA considerations. It cannot be given a C+C score because of the deviation in discussion focus.
## obligatory education or not?

  
  
The age to entering academic training is of great concern to children's parents. While most people agree that education is obligatory for children at certain ages, others believe that everyone has their personal right to choose the time to start official education. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and elaborate on my opinion.  
  
There are two underlying reasons why giving children to have intensive schooling at the right age is considered an optimal choice for most parents. First, children should be furnished with knowledge at a suitable time which is proved to help them develop intellect comprehensively. For example, English is allowed to be taught to children at kindergarten because it strengthens their memory and mindset. Moreover, stimulating children's interest in learning at an early age makes a contribution to maintain their good studying habits. In addition, education is regarded as one of the best ways to ensure children's career prospects in the future. Equipped with knowledge, children will have a positive attitude and behavior toward life.  
  
On the other hand, each people's learning process depends on various key factors. The fact that whether people begin to enter education early or late is reliant on not only their families' financial condition but their physical and mental health background as well. Typically, parents tend to let their children go to school a certain period later than others do in the light of their health condition from birth. In addition, the low rate of educational participants is prone to be seen in poor rural areas or underdeveloped countries. Besides that reason, the time to leave school is also influenced by individuals' choices. Some people choose to learn vital skills from hands-on experience in place of academic subjects. That is their orientation to their future career path which deserves to be respected.  
  
To conclude, compulsory education and the freedom to attend academic training have their undeniable advantages. In my point of view, these two methods of education should be integrated by the government to function most effectively.