dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
CAM 11 TEST 1 WRITING TASK 2  
## Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads

  
  
***To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement.***  
  
There is a belief that a country's national budget ought to be used to develop railways rather than roads. In my opinion, I completely with this view due to the fact that railways can bring significant positive effects to both the environment and people's lives.  
  
Initially, an obvious advantage for the environment can be the deduction in air pollution. Personal vehicles are, by no means, the major cause of greenhouse gas emissions in many countries and people tend to use them extensively because of their conveniences. And if the government invest more money in railways and make the train the only viable option for some particular journeys, more people will take the train and use fewer cars. In other words, a significant amount of carbon dioxide and other toxic substances is removed. This will slow the global warming process and benefit the ecosystem directly.  
  
At the same time, the promotion of railways is also beneficial to citizens in various ways. Firstly, when there are good railway systems owing to governments' investment, people will no longer have to suffer from long waiting times in a traffic jam. Taking Bangkok as an example, after its sky train was built, traffic congestion has been reduced considerably since their city dwellers travel by train instead of car. Secondly, the problem of accidents could also be mitigated when fewer people drive on the road, so many lives are saved. And finally, people can save a considerable amount of money as the cost for public transport is much cheaper than the fuel cost of cars. They can also reduce much spending by commuting to work from the outskirts where the accommodation fee is far more reasonable than it is in the city centre.  
  
In conclusion, in order to tackle the environmental problem and improve people's lives, governments should consider putting more emphasis on railways and less on roads.
The writer shows a great familiarity with the topic provided. His insight is based on a personal experience, which falls directly under the discussion requirements. The examples and reasoning are well developed. The presentation is actually strong and will merit a higher than average passing score. There is however, a GRA problem that will force the lowering of an otherwise high score. There are 2 sentences that begin with a conjunction. A conjunction functions as connectors between words, phrases, clauses, or sentences. For the sentence aspect, "and" is used mid-sentence to connect 2 related thoughts. In this case, "And" was used at the start of a sentence, there is no thought process to connect at that point so the conjunction should not be used. Further familiarization with conjunctions and other connecting words, and how to use these properly in a sentence is necessary.
## Writing Task 2: Local history and world history

  
  
**It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
The argument over whether local history or world history should be given priority in school has been ongoing for many years. Some people consider learning about local history to be much more important than world history. I agree with this idea and will discuss several compelling reasons in this essay.  
  
To begin with, local history provides school children with a firm foundation to understand their nation's singularity. To be more specific, learning about prestigious dynasties and historic events in the past would assist students in recognizing how weighty the merits of forefathers are. For instance, when learning about The August Revolution of Vietnam in 1945, about difficulties and fatalities that our forefathers had to face up with, schoolchildren would appreciate their forefathers' merits highly and treasure their nation's ongoing peace and independence. As a result, the youth could raise their awareness of preserving and developing the nation in recognition of their ancestors.  
  
Furthermore, studying local history would give children more chances of developing interest in the whole subject of history, including world history. Because local history is more relevant and familiar to children as it is related to every aspect of their lives, learning about that would be an ideal basis for them to acquire knowledge of world history much easier. For example, children can make a comparison between events happening during a particular period in their nation and those in other nations, so they can understand the lessons thoroughly rather than merely reading and memorizing.  
  
Some people may argue that if children hardly study world history, they will not be able to widen their knowledge about other nations, which is a disadvantage in this society of globalization. However, the fact is that a lot of school children nowadays learn history only by mesmerizing the timeframe, because they have to perceive a large amount of information about unfamiliar nations and people. Consequently, that will be a waste of time to study world history unless children change their mindset and are truly interested in history.  
  
In conclusion, local history plays an indispensable role in the education system and should be given priority rather than world history. Besides, learning local history would also arouse children's enthusiasm for world history, thereby taking in overall acknowledgment about the world as well.
The student makes a compelling restatement of the original topic. His presentation makes the reader think about the validity of the discussion both sides of the aisle. However, his opinion response was short in representation of the original question. What was supposed to be a measured and emotional response to the question was relegated to a simple agree or disagree essay. So, why this essay will receive points all around, the lack of proper opinion presentation will be a drawback for the score of this essay. Consider the discussion response format and deliver as required next time.  
  
Seeing how this is not a discusss both views and provide a personal opinion discussion, the essay is deemed to be overdiscussed. The third reasoning paragraph represnts the opposing opinion discussion, which is not necessary in an extent presentation. That paragraph only extended the essay, without a scoring consideration to be provided to the discussion due to its lack of relation to the writer's stated opinion. Always defend the writer's opinion alone, provided a comparison discussion is not indicated in the prompt.
## Stress is a serious problem

  
  
*Titile*: Although most people are richer than in the past, modern life seems very stressful, and the number of people suffering from stress is at record levels. What are the main causes of stress in modern life, and how could stress be reduced?  
  
Nowadays, most people are even more affluent compared to the past, nonetheless, stress has become a ubiquitous phenomenon in society and everyone suffers from it. Admittedly, there comes a great number of problems that stress people out at an alarming level. This leads us to question of the causes and solution to that worrisome stress, which has detrimental influence on both mental and physical health. This essay will further discuss about the main reasons of the problem, and propose some viable solutions.  
  
To begin with, the biggest reason of that obstacle is the increasing desire. In this fast- paced world, most persons tend to think of achieving more goals to be wealthy or enter the elite society. Then, they unconsciously put a burden on their mind, and this overwhelming pressure causes an intense strain. For example, according to various studies, our ancestors hunting for food only and their lifespans have been usually longer and without any types of diseases, in stark contrast to the extreme stress of modern people· To ameliorate the aforementioned issue, first of all, people should hold the reins and just focus on necesssary and approachable things. Controlling cravings with things within reach can really release a plethora of tension.  
  
Additionally, another cause could be the busy daily routine. Being snowed under paperwork, there is obviously little free time to take care of ourselves. Moreover, daily fatigue unintentional causes sedentary lifestyle, which creates a physical and emotional burden. The way forward could be allocate our precious time for extra-curricular activities. By this way, it mitigate the atrocious effect of stress on our brain. For instance, a study conducted in the UK, showed that people tend to be healthier by exercising and meditating each day than people who are not doing any kinds of exercises.  
  
In conclusion, stress levels have increased in the light of the fact that we are stucking in a repetitive rat race without destination. There are some reasons which make it become an unfortunate serious dilemma, and some proposed measures, though not long-term, help us get out of that rat race and live a more fulfilling life.
The first sentence of the just paragraph is a run-on.The first topic, affluence, should be seperated from the second thought, stress as an overwhelming part of life these days.These are 2 different topics that do not directly relate to one another, yet. The effects and relationship of the 2 should have been directly created in the response sentences to the direct questions. Justead, there is a useless restatement of writing instructions that do not add to the TA score. The student provided a partially inaccurate introduction due to the missing direct opinion response.  
  
The first reasoning paragraph was more than enough to justify the cause of stress, had it been more clearly discussed using appropriate vocabulary. The second paragraph could have been more setting targeted if, rather than presenting another little developed cause topic, a solution regarding stress reduction was discussed as required by the discussion format. It was the actual topic for that paragraph that was not thoroughly explained.  
  
The writer must learn to with about 2 related topics per paragraph when asked to do so, as in this essay.There is a problem when it comes to developing a cohesive discussion paragraph.
## consumer goods expenditures in the UK and France

  
  
The given bar chart demonstrates the cost of five different goods (cars, computers, books, perfume and, cameras) in two nations in 2010. Units are measured in pounds sterling.  
  
In general, the most noticeable difference was seen in the spending on cameras between France and the Uk.  
Now, turning to details, people in the UK used cars at just over 450,000 slightly more than in France, which stood at 400,000. The spending of the British on books was also higher than that of the French ( just over 400,000; 300,000 respectively ). Furthermore, the British spent money on Camera (well above 350,000) high was more twice as much as the French (150,000).  
  
Turning to the two remaining goods that were spent more than in France. Above 350,000 was costed by the French on computers, the British were lower than, stood at exactly 350,000. The final good is perfume, which was expended at 200,000 in France and, at just under 150,000 in the UK.  
  
*
in two nations  
Vague references int he summary overview are unacceptable. The 2 countries are specifically referred to as France and the UK in the image presentation. Indicate the names of the countries as a part of the accurate summary overview. Divide the statement into 2 sentences as well. This will help add to the clarity of the presentation in a manner that clearly seperates the 2 information presentations, leading do a more coherent paragraph statement. The writer reversed his country reference. He placed the specific infomation in the trending sentence when it should have been a part of the overview, and then a general reference in the trending statement.  
  
final good  
- Final product  
  
Good refers to an adjective, noun, or interjection. It does not have anything to do with general number references. While goods makes reference to possessions and personal property.  
  
Further grammar errors exist in thsi presentation, but these 2 are the ones that are the most marked because these change the sentences that they are located in.
## The graph illustrates the proportion of people who used the internet between 1999 and 2009.

  
Generally, there was an upward trend in the rate of the population using the Internet in each country over the period shown. While the internet users increased considerably in the USA and Canada, Mexico's internet users had a slight growth from 1999 to 2009.  
  
In 1999, internet usage in Mexico was around 5%. After 3 years of slow growth, the percentage of internet users in Mexico rose moderately from 10% in 2001 to 30% in 2005. In the final 4 years of the period, it went up gradually and hit the highest point of approximately 40% in 2009.  
  
Moving on, in 1999, the number of internet users in the USA was around 20% more than in Canada, at only about 10%. On the other hand, the figure for Canada increased sharply and hit the peak of 100% in 2009. The proportion of people using the Internet in Canada in 2009 had surpassed that of America, at about 75%.  
  
*   
*BAI SO 1: internet users*
Never start your report with CAPS LOCK. Always write the summary information in normal case letters, using capital letters int he proper sections of the sentence presentations. That type of presentation is a GRA violation that will definitely result in some percentage deductions. It is disrespectful and shouts at the reader since it is all caps and bold in writing. Write normally. by the way, the reference in the first sentence should indicate that the comparison is based on 3 countries since that is what the image indicates. It becomes confusing for the reader when you state the first part as a single reference point, then suddently changing it to plural in the trending statement. A uniform reference point is needed in the report presentation.  
  
Avoid referencing "On the other hand" when a reference to "On the one hand" has not been previously made. As a comparison phrase, it should have the proper previous supporting sentence to strengthen the comparison point.
***Some people think that hosting an international sports event is good for the country, while some people think it is bad.***  
## Discuss both views and state your opinion.

  
  
Hosting an international sporting event is a high-leveled mission that only the developed countries can guarantee. Besides that, there are many contradictory ideas surrounding this topic that whether organizing such an event is advantageous or not. Personally, I believe both factors had equal measures of criticalness, and analyzing both views will prove the thesis.  
  
On the one hand, the holding of large-scale competitions of sport brings the burden of finance to the nation, as well as the high pressure from the expectation of any parts of the world. To be more specific, the host nation needs to invest the nation's money, even incurring a gigantic amount of public debt from loans, to make full of the details of the world-class tournament for the purpose of protecting the solemn of the nation, and the quality of sports events under the very eyes of the world citizens. In other words, the host country needs to upgrade the existing facilities in the football yards where the tournament occurs and the infrastructure in its vicinity with a view to advertising the spectaculars in the cities as well as spending money on renting the high-leveled human resources. Some of the countries are not unfortunate that the sequences of this global event are the huge debt taking a roll on the public's budget, which they need to pay until the later generations. As a result, the bigger dept, the higher in money tax that the citizens must pay, leading to the depression in every aspect of this country, making hosting an international sports competition hardly a worthy endeavor.  
  
On the other hand, if the host country can manage and control the investment for the international sports tournament, they can create a big positive impaction on their country's tourism and sports-related production consumption. Most of the countries of this type are the ones which have concrete in finances and the development, so they do not have worries about the pressure of money-related issues. Understandably, To take advantage of this situation, they always utilize the benefits from advertising the hot spots of their countries in order to place their country on the world map of tourism. Also, through the imagery displayed in the media, they can create a lasting impression and recognition, having a high ratio of people who want to check-in in the place where the global sport happens. Therefore they can attract numerous tourists to visit and explore their country, leading to the up-gradation in their reputation in the global market and their high profits.  
  
In conclusion, organizing global sports events have both two-side impacts, which is up to the conditions of each nation.
The writer has created sa prompt deviation from the very beginning of the presentation. His restatement is not based on the given information and in fact, does not accurately represent the original topic. He has began a discussion of a totally different topic rather than presenting a simple paraphrasing of the original subject. Then, he proceeded to change the discussion format as well. He has used the personal insight approach for both topics, with a total disregard of the way that the instruction provided asks that the public opinions, covering both topics be discussed prior to his personal opinion.  
  
An understanding of why the public supports both sides, through a logical analysis on the writer's part, will help him create a valid personal opinion. In this essay, the analytical method of writing is scored along with the personal opinion. That is because both sides of the discussion must be thoroughly explained, before a statement of support, or non-support for a particular opinion can be made by the writer.  
  
To prove a thorough analysis, the writer may opt to present his personal opinion by the third sentence of each reasoning paragraph. The first sentence will be the topic introduction and the second, the reason for public support. The third up to 5th sentence can represent the writer's opinion of the public point of view. Use first person pronouns to indicate the separation of the public from personal point of view in every paragraph.
Please helps me to check this essay! thanks in advance.  
***Some people believe that technology has made man more social.***  
## To what extent do you agree and disagree with this opinion?

  
  
THIS IS MY ESSAY:  
  
It is a common belief that the advent of sophisticated modern technologies such as mobile phones, laptops have helped people to enhance and improve social lives or whether the opposite has become the case. Personally, I strongly agree with the former and I will discuss this essay on both sides.  
  
On the one hand, there is some evidence that such technologies can be disadvantageous for a variety of reasons. Firstly, because of its addictive nature, young people are more likely to be affected, and this leads to a feeling isolated from society which can make them lose their real-life relationships. Secondly, with the popularity of such technologies, it can reduce face-to-face interactions. Although this can help people to feel in touch and connected, people are able to lack social skills and abilities to communicate with others in real situations.  
  
On the other hand, although there are some downsides of technological developments, its multifold advantages can be denied. The central reason for this could be that due to more use in such devices, people can connect freely and easily with their loved ones which results in less experience loneliness and feeling out of the loop. Exchange students, for example, can share any type of information with their family and their friends whenever and wherever they want, despite the geographical barriers and this reduces the risk of depression, homesickness and other mental diseases.  
  
In conclusion, although I acknowledge that there are many downsides of using technology, I am of the opinion that its beneficial effects can outweigh the disadvantages.
The writer has mistakenly combined response formats for this essay. He is trying to represent:  
- An extent essay  
- A comparison essay  
- An advantage V. disadvantage essay  
  
in a discussion that requires only a measured singular response essay. All other discussion references are irrelevant. The opinion presentation is incorrect and forced an error in terms of TA expectations. The response should have only been:  
  
Personally, I strongly agree with the former  
That is the correct extent response. What should have followed was a thesis sentence containing a reference to 2 reasons. The reasoning paragraphs should have then extended the reason presented over a paragraph each.  
  
The topic restatement is also not well presented. The writer needs to represent one point of mill per sentence to avoid confusing.versions of the original topic. It is a run on sentence gone wrong.
I'm currently self-studying because I don't have much budget in the Covid-19 situation. Could you guys fix my essay and estimate my band score, please? Thank you very much!  
  
## summarize the information from the graph

  
  
The line graph provides information about how many men and women in Marysville paid for mobile phone services over a period of 20 years.  
  
It is noticeable that there were considerable increases in the figures for subscribers of mobile phones during the 20-year period. In 2015, the number of men spending on mobile services outweighed the number of women who did the same thing.  
  
In the year 1995, 500 men expended on mobile phones while the figure for women was around 510 people. Over the following 10 years, the numbers of subscribers for both genders saw significant rises. By 2005, the proportions for both male and female subscribers had reached to 2500 people.  
  
From 2005 to 2015, there was a steady increase in the number of men subscribing to mobiles, while the figure for women fell and subsequently remained stable. Finally, in 2015, approximately 2600 females paid for mobile phones, and around 2200 females spent on those gadgets.  
  
*
When writing the summary overview, use more seperate sentences since seperate information is being presented. There will be more clarity and easier to remember presentations that way. Do not indicate a compressed year reference at this point. The clear year to year reference is required. Year reference variations work better in the actual report paragraphs. It creates more LR variation in those paragraph presentations in relation to scores.  
  
The writer needs to build on his synonym usage for LR and GRA scoring purposes. He is limited to orginal keyword usage which indicates a limited English vocabulary. Better vocabulary will also allow him to further expand his discussion to a more acceptable 3 sentences per paragraph.  
  
For someone engaged in self-study, the writer has done an admirable job. There is room for improvement. I hope to continue guiding him in his learning process.
first, I think you could give several comparative structures, which helps you more score for GRAMMATICAL RANGE for example, women have almost as many cell phones joiners as males, with 2500 members in 2005.  
  
the second, you forgot a information that male subscribes stay the same value before increasing from 2005 to 2010.  
the third, "the numbers of subscribers for both genders" ,although you talk about 2 genders, it's general figure so that you just write " number"