dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**To find work you love, don't follow your passion**  
  
When talking about career, interest or passion will be main consideration to think as this would determine our happiness when undertaking our job. However, it is not easy to be taken as many choices come and make the individual confused. With regard to this phenomenon, how could we choose a fulfilling career? There is an organization that is dedicated to analyze this question called '80000 hours'. This organization did research about how to make a real career decision and finally concluded that all this time, people focus on the wrong thing. Basically, everyone does a career based on parent's career, money to get, and passion. But passion is imbalance with career that everyone gets. The solution is doing what's valuable that consist of achievement and meaning. Achievement means getting good something. Meaning or purpose means trying to do something great. The methods are exploring, building skill, and solving pressing problems.
Nurul, your essay offers incomplete information. You should have included a few sentences about the method of the study, how it was conducted, and what the survey questions asked were that helped the researchers arrive at this conclusion. The organization presentation should have included a background on the company in order to show the reader that the results of the study are coming from a reliable source.  
  
By the way, you should have included the name of the speaker, date of the talk, and the location (if provided). These are necessary information that can help the reader decide upon the validity of the information you are summarizing. More importantly, you should have included a link to the original talk for us to use as a reference point for the information you presented in the essay. Without it, we are unable to double check the information and just have to trust that you actually summarized the video in the right manner.
**Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge and skills needed in the workplace. Others think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.**  
  
*What, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?*  
  
As yet, the debatable issue regarding to what the primary function of post-secondary education remains unchanged. It is generally believed by some people that the new insights and abilities related to the occupation should be provided by universities, while others assume the knowledge itself should be seen for its own interest regardless of whether or not it would be beneficial for employer. As such, I would argue that the main purpose of a campus is to educate people and both views should be conducted in balance.  
  
To begin with, I would say the ultimate goal of third-level education is to educate people and broaden their horizon. This is because university is not a factory, so, when university merely purposes to produce workers, then it is not education at all. Subsequently, I firmly believe that when many people are armed with the knowledge, it would make the advancement in science so that human civilization will develop progressively.  
  
However, it is important to remind that knowledge is one of the key factors of getting an occupation in modern society. Thus, the role of education in college, on the one hand, should also impart people with skills they need in the workplace so that they can live to the fullest. By gaining new abilities in university for working, it would bring positive impact to their development for facing the given task by their employers.  
  
In conclusion, although the primary function of tertiary education is to educate people, but the purpose of education itself should include the progress of knowledge for its own sake as well as should provide skills which people need to cope with their responsibilities in workplace. Thus, a balance is required.
Hi Amril,  
  
Here's my feedback based on IELTS band descriptors.  
  
Task Response:  
- The absence of examples in the main body paragraphs can make your ideas are not sufficiently developed. However, you are able to address all parts of the task although some parts are fully covered than others. Therefore, by having some positive features of band 6 and negative features of band 5, I assume that this essay is worth 5.5 for task response.  
  
Coherence and Cohesion:  
- Due to the existence of overall progression in the introduction paragraph and effective usage of cohesive devices, I can say that you are able to get 6 for this one.  
  
Lexical Resource:  
- Your attempt to use some less common vocabularies like "horizon and insights" but with an inaccuracy in plural-singular form can raise your score in lexical resource to 6.  
  
Grammatical range and Accuracy:  
- By using simple and complex sentence forms, your writing is getting better. The thing that is unfortunate is that there are still some inaccuracies when writing some complex sentences like "although......., but..." double connectors issue, but it doesn't reduce communication. Thus, 6 is the most appropriate score for this part.  
  
As you can see Amril, an overall score for this essay is approximately 6.0. However, this is just my opinion towards your essay. It might be only a prediction, but if you consider some points that I have delivered, it might be beneficial for your future practices or even real test. :)
The 400 million-year-old fish shows the base of the brain where the neck allied with the head. The neurobiologist from Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, Andrew Bass, told that the all of social life in any animal was include in making and hearing sound, and also their world cames from the sound. The using of actually timed and coordinated muscle movements were used by vertebrates to make their sounds. The control these movements in animals was studied in the brain regions of animal. The cells in neurons is the region responsible to make sound in animal, because it coodinate the muscle controlling the fish's bladder. The forming of vocalisation is using the fundamental signal which come from the collection of neurons in animals. This region can result unique sound on others animal. But the evolutionary told that some old or early vertebrates commonly have same basic pattern of their vocal pacemakers.Meanwhile, the humans have other areas in the brain which linked to cognition and language. The defect on vocal pacemakers, nerves for the example, is making the negative influence in our communication skill. Finally, the conclusion is the human speech comes from old fish sound.
Hello Yurike, guess me who ? wkkwkw  
Let me try to give you some corrections.  
  
... life in any animal ~~was include~~was included / included in making and (...) also their world ~~cames~~came from the sound.  
1) Past Tense --> included (positive) or were included (negative)  
  
2) came ---> past form don't have "Verb s" form, still use came for pronoun like He, She, It.  
  
The using of ~~actually~~actual timed and coordinated ...  
3) your "timed" might refer as "noun" so use adjective ---> actual , not adverb ---> actually  
  
. The control of these movements in ...  
4) Add connector  
  
The cells in neurons is the ~~region responsible~~responsibility of the region / responsible region to make sound in animal, because it ~~coodinate~~coordinates the muscle controlling ...  
5) region (noun) + responsible (adjective) ----> reverse it. Adjective is placed before noun. or you can change it into noun ---> responsibility  
  
6) coordinates ---> Verb S >>>>>>> It + Coordinates  
  
This region can ~~result~~produce unique sound ...  
7) can + Verb 1. result is noun, not verb.  
  
... in the brain which is linked to cognition and language.  
8) which + is + linked (negative forms)  
  
... nerves for the example, ~~is making~~makes / making the negative influence ...  
9) is making ---> DOUBLE VERB !.
The genetic is the main feature in human body especially which determined character, personality, physic like eye and hair color of someone. This genetic is decide of ancestry in health and illness potential, and Each someone has unique genome else. The sequencing of the genome is important for people to provide the new technology of to indigenize genome sequencing because it is commonly the genome sequencing in the laboratory. and also the genome sequencer at the moment is using mobile and internet access This instrument is called nanopore-based sequencer which to develop in genome technology sequencing from collaborative activating and empowering indigenous community as the citizen scientist. The indigenomics is genetic research to improve minority health through methods that respect indigenous knowledge. The purpose of this approach is science for the people by the people, starting with a tribal consultant resource, focused on educating indigenous communities on the potential use of genetic information
Hello  
  
I applied some corrections to your text so that it sounds better. They are as follows:  
  
The ~~genetic~~ [...] *genes*...  
~~especially which determined~~ [...] *because it determines one's...*  
~~This genetic~~ [...]*One's genome is responsible for defining the concerned person's ability to withstand diseases*.  
important for ~~people~~ [...] *specialists*...  
~~to indigenize genome sequencing because it is commonly the genome sequencing~~ [...] this senstence doesn't make much sense - you should consider removing it.  
sequencer, which [...] *has been developed recently by*...  
genetic research, [...] *intended to help the representatives of minorities to enjoy healthyness.*  
this approach ~~is~~ [...]*in* [...] science...  
  
I hope this will help. You should try keeping your sentences shorter - it'll make them much more intelligable. Regards.
Hey guys, I'm writing an introduction paragraph about my research paper about art theft in societies. Looking forward improve on any aspects of my paper. Any comments or advices are greatly appreciated!! Thank you!  
  
In today's society, the number of thieves are increasing in popularity among criminals. As one of the largest crime, it widely includes shoplifting, petty theft, robbery, identify theft, art theft, etc. In the interest of broad category, some levels of theft resulting murder and violence, conversely that some are non-violent. However, there is one harmless crime that is belittled and overlook, that is art thief. The events of art theft up brings scarcely attention to the public, however, that this issue has been exhibited in many centuries. (Thesis) **In the light of the case of Montreal Museum of Fine Arts in early seventies and the case of John Tillmann in 2013, study had shown an insight of negligence of art thieves in societies.**
hi bro ethan,,  
  
... that is belittled and ~~overlook~~ (overlooked), that is (an) art thief.  
... art theft up ~~brings~~ (bring ,because "the events" is plural) scarcely attention to ...  
(Thesis) In the light of the case (...) Arts in early **seventies** (i think using "70's" is better than we write it in word) and the case of ...  
  
thank you very much bro  
^\_^
Ethan, I would focus the opening paragraph of your essay on the discussion regarding art theft right from the start. From the way that you opened the essay, it seemed like your focus should have been on something else. I suggest that you look up the biggest and most well known art thefts and create your thesis paragraph around that. Speaking of thesis statements, your introduction is not very clear when it comes to that. Most likely because you called the attention of the reader to something different at the start. A simple revision through the refocusing of content in the thesis statement should solve that problem. Make sure that you clearly state why you want to focus on art theft in this essay and what you wish to prove through the research that you will be presenting. Those two clear aspects should serve to interest the reader in what else you have to say in the paper.
Hey Kimichi89 and Holt, thank you so much for reviewing my post. I took all advice and suggestions into account re-edited my introduction! Please take a look as I want to make it better! Thank you!  
  
Of the many crimes that are presented in today's society, one that steals pieces of work that worth millions, hence, a crime that receives minimal punishment, is that of art theft. The events of art theft up carry scarcely attention to the public, however, that this issue has been exhibited in many centuries. Considering that the advantages of art theft hold because the lack of attention from the public and media, the rate of thieves are expected to increase in its nature. In contrary, at the same time, the strictness of the security and the difficulty are also advancing; in making the rate of art thieves are unable to rise over time. (Thesis) **In the light of the early 1970's Montreal Museum of fine arts case and the recent 2013 John Tillmann case, studies have highlighted society's negligence in its interactions with art thieves.**
Let's see if I can show you how to better improve upon your thesis statement. I just feel like there is something lacking in it. I would consider improving the statement by saying the following in my introduction to the topic:  
  
*In 2008, 4 important painting by Van Gogh, Monet, Degas, and Cezanne were stolen from a museum in Zurich, Switzerland. The total cost of these paintings was 163.2 million dollars. I..*  
  
Now the above is only an example of how you can improve your thesis statement by correctly laying out the foundation for the thesis and eventual presentation of your thesis statement. I hope it can help you with the next revision of your thesis statement.
@holt Thank you so much once again for reviewing my writing!  
  
Ok, so I think I understand the problems I had. In my writing, I tent to use complicated words and try to make it sound professional but resulted in the wording and the sentence structure sounds awkward. And from your examples, I learned that I don't necessary have to cover specific cases when writing a thesis, which I did. From reading your example, it covers all the thoughts I was trying to get across, but when I re-read my paper, I find it awkward in many ways.  
  
Ahhhhhh, thank you so much Holt, your advice and help means so much to me. English is not my strong subject, but I will keep working on it! Do you mind if I keep some ideas and thoughts from your example? Thank yu so much!!
Hi Ethan ! Thank you so much for the compliments. I am so happy that I was able to help you better write your essay. Don't worry about using the work that I gave as an example. Go ahead and use as much of it, or as little of it as you want. Anything I can do to help you out. I hope that you can come back to have us review your essay. I have a feeling that it will be much better now that you fully understand what you have to do with the essay. More importantly, you now know how to improve your presentation and content.  
  
You will need to come up with the original thesis statement yourself though. That should not be too difficult if you will base the thesis statement on the example I provided. You just have to fill in the blanks after the ellipses I wrote. I'm here to help you in case you need help with the development of that aspect of the essay. Just sound the help alarm and I'll be here as soon as I can.
There are three essential bases will be concerned by the new president, Donald Trump, namely space exploration, infrastructure, and medicine. Those will be continued as usual or even improved. Even it comes with several considerations.  
  
Firstly, space exploration. Trumps remarked his plan that NASA should more concern to human exploration and discover more about the solar system. While they give earth observation mission which aims to find the new way of climate change to national oceanic and atmosphere association. In addition, he is keen to rebuild more adequate public facilities such as airport and hospital. Even it is good news for American; some argue that it will contribute to climate change. He plans to allocate $ 1 billion for infrastructure budget, but when it comes to where he earns financial support, it is still unclear. Furthermore, Trump promised to allow importing drugs and ease approval process of generic drugs. It is clear that this will make medicine's price cheaper price and easier to access, not only medicine but only marijuana will be legalized in several states such as California and Nevada.
Hi Lincoln,  
Here's my inputs and remarks towards your article summary. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- There are three essential aspects that will be considered by the new president of the United States of America, Donald Trump. Those are space exploration, infrastructures, and medicines.~~bases will be concerned by the new president, Donald Trump...~~  
  
- ~~Those will be continued~~These particular issues will be developed~~usual~~as planned or even improved.  
- ~~Even~~However, it comes up with several considerations.  
  
- Firstly, in space exploration, Trump remarked his plan that NASA should ~~more~~ concern more~~to~~on human exploration...  
- ~~While~~Moreover, they ~~give~~have the Earth observation (...) the new way to prevent~~of~~ climate change to **national oceanic and atmosphere association.**(is it a department or what? seems ambiguous)  
  
- ~~In addition,~~He~~is keen~~has a tendency to rebuild more ~~adequate~~ public facilities such as airport and hospital.  
- ...; some argue that it will ~~contribute~~damage~~to~~the climate ~~change~~ .  
- He has a~~plans~~plan to allocate ~~$~~ 1 billion dollars for infrastructure ~~budget~~ , but ~~when it comes to where he earns financial support, it~~the source of that fund is still unclear.  
  
- ... to allow importing ~~drugs~~medicine and ease approval process of generic/affordable drugs.  
- ...will make medicine~~'s~~ price cheaper ~~price~~ and easier to ~~access~~get , not only medicine but ~~only~~also marijuana will be legalized in several states ...
Education is important aspect toward high standard life for the human. But this statement still rare in Arabic country, especially for the woman. For according from the result of Arabic woman interview, The higher education just for men not for the woman. The woman just to married in younger age to built a family with her husband, then she also manage a utility of family and her kids.  
  
In this research, we tried to interview many arabic woman that backing to education or still staying position to get more high education. They are come from politic activism among university student, teacher, or wife of household. She is telling about the motivation to get higher education still now that is getting independent life and not always on depend to men for their life. She believes that the education can control a better life for her. Finally the higher woman from Arabic countries wants becoming the role model for another Arabic woman mainly and to influence the other women's life in the world.  
  
Source : ted
Hi! I have some feedback for you!  
  
Education is the most important/ an important/ one of the important (you can choose one) aspect...  
  
But this statement still rare ... it will be better if you put the explanation of 'rare', for instance...  
  
This statement is still rarely adopted/ rarely accepted (you can use both) in....  
  
For according from the result of Arabic ... should be  
  
According to the interview with an Arabic woman, the higher education/ the third level education is only taken by men.
hello yuri  
it is a good summary  
let me give you some advice  
~~But~~However, this statement still rare in the Arabic country, ...  
~~For~~ according from the result (...) just for men ~~not for the woman~~ . The woman just to ~~married~~marry in younger age to ~~built~~build a family with her husband,  
  
They are come from politic activism ...  
They have come from politic activism among university student, teacher, or wife of household.  
  
... the motivation to get the higher education still now that is getting an independent life and not always ~~on~~ depend ~~to~~on men for their life.  
  
... the education can ~~control~~manage a better life for her. Finally, the higher woman (...) wants ~~becoming~~to become the role model for ...  
  
thanks  
keep writing
Hi Yuri, here is some suggestions for you  
  
Education is **an** important aspect ...  
~~But~~**Nevertheless,** this statement **is** still rare in Arabic country, especially for ~~the~~ woman. ~~For~~ according ~~from~~**to** the result of Arabic woman interview, ~~T~~**t**he higher education **is** just for men ...  
  
~~The~~ woman ~~just to~~**only need to be** married in younger age to ~~built a family~~**run a family/household** with her husband~~, then she also manage a utility of family and her kids.~~  
  
In this research, we ~~tried~~**try** to interview many ~~arabic~~**Arabic**~~woman~~**women** that backing to education ...  
They ~~are~~ come from politic activism ...  
  
Best Regards.
(1) But this statement IS still rare in Arabic country, especially for the womEn .  
(2)The higher education IS just for men not for the woman [NO VERB AT FIRST].  
(3) The woman just to ~~married~~ in younger age (...) she also managES a utility of family ...  
  
**THE SAME PROBLEM HERE. ACCURACY PROBLEM, PARTICULARLY SINGULAR/PLURAL ISSUE IN ALMOST WHOLE OF YOUR SENTENCES. NEED TO RECHECK AND REVISE THE REST OF THIS WRITING**  
  
.... ~~**many arabic woman**~~ ....  
  
**another distinct issue in your writing is accuracy on structure. THIS CAUSING PROBLEM ON COMPREHENDING THE MEANING OR THE IDEA THAT YOU WANT TO DELIVER THROUGH YOUR WRITING. Need to learn and practice more while pay attention on appropriate structure on writing**
Most of people think that chocolate brings a lot of disease because it contains have too much fat. However, researchers discovered that chocolate, especially dark chocolate, is good for humans' heart. Based on this article, there is two ways that dark chocolate protective against heart disease. The first one is that it restores flexibility to stiffening arteries and the second one it prevents white blood cells from sticking to the insides of blood vessel walls. Dutch scientists made an experiment for 44 year old people, have an overweight problem, and they should ate 70 grams both dark and milk chocolates every day until four weeks period. According to this research, most of people tend to choose dark chocolate rather than milk chocolate because it has a good taste. And also, scientists found that people who often eat dark chocolate are healthier than others. It is because in dark chocolate, it has an organic compound called flavanol which good for humans' heart.  
  
readitenglish.com/read/GirgKT
Hi Mem, here is some suggestions for you  
  
... because it contains ~~have~~ too much fat.  
  
... and the second one is that it prevents white ...  
  
... experiment for 44 years old people~~,~~who have an overweight problem, ~~and~~they they ~~should ate~~were asked to eat 70 grams (...) every day ~~until~~during four- week~~s~~ period. ~~According to this research~~the result says that , most of people (...) milk chocolate ~~because~~since it has a good taste.  
  
It is because ~~in dark chocolate,~~ it has an organic compound ...  
  
Best Regards
Most of people think that chocolate brings BRING a lot of disease because it contains ~~have~~ too much fat.  
  
( IF THE OBJECT SINGULAR YOU SHOULD USE SINGULAR VERB ALSO EX: I HAVE CANDY, SHE HAS CANDY, THEY HAVE CANDY, DEERS EAT, DEER EATS)  
  
However, researchers discovered that chocolate, especially dark chocolate,CONFUSING SENTENCE is good for humans' heart. ( MAKE IT SIMPLE, REASEARCHERS DISCOVERING THAT DARK CHOCOLATE IS GOOD FOR HUMAN'S HEART)  
  
Based on this article, there is two ways ~~that~~ dark chocolate ~~protective~~ against heart disease.