dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
w/n: i am applying for an AFS exchange program and this is one of the five essays required. Any constructive criticism or suggestions are appreciated! Thank you :D  
  
Prompt: *what are the characteristics of a youth ambassador need to be successful and how you demonstrated these characteristics.*  
  
To be a successful youth ambassador requires a set of qualities they possess: the ability to communicate, flexibility, open-mindedness, compassion, and goal-orientedness.  
  
Considering that youth ambassadors aim to interact with young people in an inspiring and engaging way, the ability to communicate is vital. Gladly, I have learned and demonstrated effective communication through speaking clearly, listening actively, and paying attention to nonverbal cues.  
  
Flexibility and open-mindedness are also essential because it helps us adapt to new cultural norms and collaborate with all kinds of people. I demonstrate these two qualities by reacting positively to foreign concepts even if it challenges my values and beliefs because not all people think or see things the same way as I do.  
  
Another needed characteristic is compassion towards others and one's self. Practicing this virtue motivates us to take action for community development and fix global issues. My example of compassion is helping others and volunteering in community activities. You may know more in the fifth essay.  
  
Last is being goal-oriented. Apparently, major goals such as "creating a just and peaceful world" can't be achieved overnight. How I work towards my goals is not a race. Rather, it's a marathon. I wouldn't be discouraged if the goal seemed to be far-reaching and difficult. I would just constantly achieve smaller tasks that up my progress even if it's slow.  
  
(no conclusion yet because my brain is tired)
@EstellePhillips  
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with writing feedback.  
  
I think that the entirety of your composition is well written. You had a bold introduction and were able to follow through with conventional writing standards. That being said, try to incorporate more of a straightforward and yet simplified approach to your writing to help you elevate the overall standard of your flow. Focus more on bettering the organization of thoughts by omitting lines that are unnecessary and focusing more on the depth of writing.  
  
In your concluding remarks, try to emphasize more why these traits are important in the long-term through curating thoughts that have value. Expound why these traits are essential by showcasing how it would be like to function without them to make a comparative analysis.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## a note about famous chinese actor

  
  
Chinese officials have ordered to Fan to pay taxes and fines about 900 yuan. The move ends the mystery disappear over 2 months ago  
Fan Bing Bing is the most famous actor in China. In 2006, Forbes listed her as one of the actors paid the highest money.  
An investigation reported Fan evasion taxes. They won't investigate Fan as the crime as long as she pays taxes, fines and late fees.  
it is a common custom in show business in China by making a private contract showing high pay and a public contract showing much lower pay. The investigation as a warm to all show business in China  
  
She apologized on media on weibo that she wasn't unworthy of the trust of the society and let down her fan who loves her. The post is her first update on June, 2.  
  
she was starred in several series and move in china. Before her disappearance, she was to appear in many films cooperate with foreign actors as X-Men or Iron Men. She has a part in the upcoming films of a Hollywood director called 355.
@giangkodo  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.  
  
First and foremost, be cautious of the logical coherence of your writing. Notice how some portions do not have quite a structured approach to relaying meaning, making it even more difficult to comprehend the text that you have. For instance, in the first paragraph, what do you mean by "the move ends the mystery"? Being more specific and straight to the point will help you establish clearer definition to help you curate more thoughts.  
  
Furthermore, the approach to the structure of the composition can be improved as well. The last portions of the text may be omitted and instead be allocated to the first part of the text to create more substance.  
  
Best of luck.
## internet based friendships

  
  
**Nowadays people make new friends through social networks and internet chat groups. Some people think this is good. Others think that face-to-face interaction is essential. Discuss both views and give your opinion**  
  
In the era of the internet, people spend more time on social media than in physical world and therefore connect and make new acquaintances whom they meet online. While it seems a novel way to make large number of friends, there is another view that it is not good due to lack of in person interaction and therefore those relationships may not be genuine. I strongly agree with the second view because it is important to know people than to just rely on their online profile.  
  
Those who argue in favor of online relationship feel the social media provides everyone a convenient medium to make friends with people living in any corner of the world, of any age group, of any gender, that is otherwise very difficult to achieve in real world. Even those who are introverts can be socially active via the virtual medium and can remain hidden behind the screen while interacting with their chat or online friends.  
  
However, those who do not favor the online friendships are concerned that such online profiles can include a good number of fake profiles and therefore fear the risk of being cheated or getting into trouble. They also feel that by having friends only in the virtual world reduces the ability to make friends in real and such netizens, in general, lack the practical skills of dealing with real world social interactions. They feel that such "friends" are just connections and they would not be of any help should there be a need or adversity, when genuine friends are most required.  
  
In my opinion, it is fine to have online friends, but the friends that one makes in the real world and the friends one can rely in the time of need are the real friends. No matter how many people one meets online, the genuine friendships happen only when you meet them in person or spend time with them.  
  
In conclusion, some people find internet based friendships a positive phenomenon as it facilitates ease of connecting with people at the click of a mouse. However, others feel that one should strive to have friends that one can have face-to-face interactions with, as it is genuine and I fully support that view.
Hello, I'll try my best to help you.  
  
The essay is quite clear, though there are mistakes about arranging the ideas. For instance, your introduction seems quite difficult for people to follow so you should try to rewrite it in the more appropriate way.  
  
You should combine par2 and par3 to just only one section and also you can shorten some phases such as "**to make friends with people ... gender**" can change to "from every walks of live" or "regardless of location, cultural backgrounds and ages" so it can help to avoid repetitions in centence structures.  
  
Good luck!
I am preparing for the TOEFL TEST , please advise me !! Thank you!  
  
## info about global events

  
  
**TOEFL INDEPENDENT WRITING:**  
*Is it important to know about events happening around the world, EVEN IF it is unlikely that they will affect your daily life.*  
  
In these days, the world has become increasingly vigorous and news is updating every second practically. Some people suggest that it is significant to know about events happening around the world while others regard learning different events from distance areas as a total waste of time. As far I am concern, to a large extent, the international views is highly valuable.  
  
Firstly, it is important for everyone, whether young or old, to broaden our minds. For instances, the international program unavoidable reports contain from a foreign culture to a foreign country, from social manners to languages, from food to religious ritual. People can build up a cross-culture understanding by being exposed to exotic information. From this, people would become more flexible and adaptable, when encountering with the culture diversity in travelling or study abroad.  
  
Besides, it plays a significant role of catalyst for the maturity of youngsters. In fact, many young people living in rich countries are overindulged as they grown up in a peaceful and healthy environment. In addition, some of them might squander the money with no restrain. But when watching the events happening about Africa, the massive starvation, epidemics, and the homelessness, the death caused by civil wars, they begin to realize how happy they live in. And they can learn to spend money appropriately in modern society, cherish what they own now,  
  
Undoubtedly, one of the reasons against such news is it has nothing to do with the ordinary people. Breaking news for examples, in other countries and continents, such as political scandals, work strikes, up and down of the stock marketing are too far from the local information to provide practical knowledge to local people. It is failed to reflect the truth to life and day-to-day of local community around them or teach them take self-care skills for dealing with challenges in a real world that learning things from international news. On this level, it is proper to the assertion of the international news.  
  
In a word, I believe that there are more vantages than shortcomings of having access to the global news. Despite of availing for daily life, its benefits in open-minded to people can never be surpassed.
@Synorita  
Hi there!  
  
First and foremost, try to strategically separate your sentences. Notice how, in your introductory paragraph, you should be try to compartmentalize your thoughts more to create more substantive content. Try to apply this all over your writing.  
  
In the second paragraph, it would be more appropriate to say for instance rather than for instances as the former is generally more acceptable than the latter. Try to also evade the usage of repetitive language in order to articulate smoothly what you want to portray in the long-run.  
  
Having a more straightforward approach to your writing will help you create more depth because you'll have more hold over the meaning that you are trying to relay. Because you have to be more specific with your depth, this will enhance the outlook of your writing.  
  
Remember that it's better to have a straightforward approach than anything else.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## Museum charge for admission fee, while others are free

  
  
MANY MUSEUMS CHARGE FOR ADMISSION WHILE OTHERS ARE FREE. DO YOU THINK THE ADVANTAGES OF CHARGING PEOPLE FOR ADMISSION TO MUSEUMS OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?  
Some people think that museums should be had an entrance fee, while some do not. Although this may cause some potential drawbacks, I believe that the benefits are more remarkable.  
  
A major disadvantages of admission fee is the possibility of reducing the number of visitors. Museums house exhibitions and artefacts are completely a great educational and historical value. If the purpose of museum is imparting natural cultural to visitors and publics, admission should be free for them. Students and children, for instance, who are learning about the world may not be able to visit since their finance could not cover the cost. If they had charged an entrance fee many people might be turned to other activities.  
  
However, I believed that an entrance fee might have a negative effect on the admission figures, but an income is favourable to museum in term of operations. Museums features educational exhibitions at time, and this could not be done without money expended on hiring professional and buying equipment to serving visitors. In additions, a charge for entry might actually make people value a museum more, whereas free entrance seems to degrade the worth of the museum. To take History museum in HCM as example, it has monthly exhibitions on different issues and professional are employed to take visitors on a guided a round museums.  
  
In conclusions, despite some negative aspects, it seems to me that the benefits of an entrance fee for the operation and development of museums.
@Karry Wang  
Hi there.  
  
Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.  
  
The first sentence right off the bat needs revision because it's ungrammatical. Focus on fixing these small slip-ups that can drastically affect the structure of your writing. Focus on the composition and how you move between the flow of your words.  
  
While you cited one example, trying to incorporate more concrete and real life information to back up your statements would definitely help you in the long run. Focus on enhancing the depth of writing through having a more concrete approach to writing.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## Impacts of Aging Societies

  
  
It is true to say that a number of senior citizens which is growing faster, has grabbed the attention in many parts of the world. While some people argue that a phenomenon impacts positively, but I think it has negative consequences on their societies.  
  
Firstly, some countries have struggled with the shortage of workers, especially in manual works. This will greatly affect the economy of countries in the long-term. This can be explained by some job requirements for certain careers that the elderly not be suitable for, such as health condition, a great resilience or creativity. As a result, in Japan and Europe, governments must adopt policies to attract foreign workers so-called importing workers. This has led to various disadvantages as well, one of that is immigration will make society insecure.  
  
Secondly, the growing of aging population put huge pressure on state subsidies, including retirement houses and medical services. In fact, these funds will certainly come from the working population may result in a great tax burden on working adults. Medical care, for instance, older people are more liable to diseases and disabilities realating to age, it is undeniable that the demand for health-care facilities will rise and modernize.  
  
In conclusion, although I am concerned about the positive trends,I would believe that this tendency would have negative effects if it is not noticed legitimately.
@Kimngannguyen267  
Hello there. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.  
  
Try to evade using repetitive words. Try to also enhance your writing through using more specific words and adjectives when you are describing. What specifically do you mean by migrants creating an insecure environment?  
  
For you to be able to expound these thoughts, save some space in your writing through prioritizing your content. Ditch portions that are filers - or those that do not add anything substantial in your writing's overall meaning.  
  
Furthermore, try to also focus on curating content that's more targeted in its meaning. If you have a specific direction you want to take your writing or paragraph into, do not stray far from that.  
  
Best of luck as always.
Title  
*Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience*  
  
My essay  
  
Computers are usually debated to be the most significant device which was invented by human roughtly hundred years ago. Other people say that it is not wonderful invention of humanity but I strongly agree that computers are one of the technical equipment generated.  
  
Firstly, computers are enormous usefulness for normal life since one need for daily activity of man. All fields are such as education, medicine, science, factories and manufacturing in which is strongly supported by computers. As it promply accomplishes extremely complex matter and can be completely automatic operation. Additionally, computers which is truly fundamental to other invention such accessory and software that can connect people all around the world. For example, existence of computers not only created wordwile social media, big data and other applications which help easy exchange of information through countries but also stored books and document for studying student.  
  
Secondly, computers replace with other technical devices because it is like combination of equipment. Each device has a special function as sending text, storing document, playing video or gaming; however, computers have been intergrated all in one. Thus, that conveniently become for advantageously carrying place to place. For instance, in the past, radio was essential machine for popular entertainment of man but electronic computers were created to gradually displace radio.  
  
In conclusion, computers are the greatly important finding of human which have considerable support for activities of man. On the other hand, if people are subject to usage much time into computers, it can be likely to seriously affect their normal life
~~roughtly~~ roughly  
... it is not a wonderful ...  
  
... need for the daily activity ...  
As it ~~promply~~ accomplishes ...  
... computers which ~~is~~ are ...  
For example, the existence of ...  
~~wordwile~~ worldwide  
... help the easy exchange ...  
  
... it is like a combination ...  
~~intergrated~~ integrated  
... radio was an essential machine ...  
  
There are some spelling mistakes, please be careful !
## Environmental degradation

  
  
there is no denying that nowadays environment is one of the most serious problem in the society. There are number of reasons behind this tendency and several solutions should be tackled by the government and individuals to improve this situation.  
  
There are two primary reasons why the environment is devastated seriously, namely air pollutions and waste. in terms of air polution, gases from vehicles and factories bring dangerous chemical compounds, which lead to global warming, greenhouse effects. Secondly, in face of dramatic increase of birth rates, population density go up rapidly, which are also producing greater quantities of waste, as result of oceans and rivers contamination. therefore, clean water sources for humans are reducing day-to-day.  
  
Fortunately, several measures can be taken to prevent this problem. To be more specific, government should make more effort to improve air pollution. Firstly, full weight of the law should be applied for imposing wide range of sentences. for instance, factories should be penalized or serve a prison sentences if they discharge large amount of pollutants. Government can also impose 'green taxes' on drivers. By this way, people would to aware of the need to adhere the need of there responsibilities toward protecting the environment.  
  
Moreover, each individual can also improve the environment. They can take public transports instead of driving car or motorbikes in order to reduce fumes from vehicles. or they can deny using plastic bag to protect the water sources from plastic materials, which always have severe damage for environment. By reusing and recycling, they can help to reduce waste.  
  
In a nutshell, both citizens and governments can give their hand to look after the invironment.  
..........................  
can i get 6.0 ?
Hi @hingyun,  
I have read all your essay, you did it pretty well, clearly. But in my opinion, there are some of my feedbacks for you:  
- I think you should use diversity of tenses. For example, with the consequences of man-made for the environment, you should use the past sentence or present continous.  
  
- You should use *diversity of synonym* to help your essay more interesting. Such as "improve" = enhance, advance, boost, form, develop; "government" = the political leaders,...
Hi @hinguyn, your essay contains quite a lot of spellings and plurals mistakes and some grammar errors. It's true that you should try to paraphrase more. Your main points are great, but keep all the solutions in just one paragraph.  
  
In some sentences your meaning didn't get across because of the words you used:  
- "**environment** is one ... **problem**"  
"environment" is not a "problem"  
- "Firstly, full weight of the law should be ..."  
Just rewrite those using other academic words to make them clearer.  
  
Your conclusion is a bit too short, and it has not summarized all your main points in the essay. For the conclusion there should be 2-3 sentences.  
  
Hope you do well!
@hinguyn  
Hi there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with feedback.  
  
Firstly, accentuate your writing through creating more simplified and yet structured sentences. Concrete essays are built on these types of content, making it better for you to work with words that have more substance to them.  
  
Try to also add more real life or worldly examples to make concrete the words of your sentences. Doing this will help you build more depth as you can tackle more terms in an effective manner.  
  
Work on the general flow of the writing. Alongside this, ensure that your writing is abiding by fundamental grammatical rules.  
  
Best of luck.
@hinguyn  
Hi there,  
I guess you'd get 6.0 for this essay. But you should try to use these synonyms to improve your band score:  
no denying= undeniable  
dire = serious  
reason = cause = justification = contributor = culprit = rational = explanation  
'improve' should be replaced by avoid/ prevent/ combat/ tackle/ minimize  
'environment' is a topic, not a 'problem'  
and your conclusion should sum up your ideals in the essay.
## technology and its effects on relationships

  
  
Original question:  
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.  
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?  
Has this become a positive or negative development?  
  
In modern society, technology brings changes toward people's interaction.  
  
It is common that everyone is equipped with a high-tech device, which makes the contact with friends or relatives more convenient and efficient. For instance, people tend to send text messages or make a phone call on apps via mobile phone rather than writing email or even physical letter. Besides, technology makes it easier to find new friends online. Couple of dating apps can be found on apps store such as Pairs or Goodnight in Taiwan for people to find their partners. People do not have to worry about how to create an opportunity to meet the opposite gender. All the information is collected online whenever and wherever they need.  
  
Despite of the benefits of technology, I still tend to hold negative perspective toward this development. On one hand, people will lose the social skills due to lack of interaction in reality. Some people who are active on social media turn out to be shy and uneasy when associating with others in their real life. Technology makes people put to much time on virtual interaction online and ignore the importance to interact with people in reality. On the other hand, fraud is easier to be attained because of information asymmetry online. Lots of cases about online scams are broadcasted frequently on news programs. Especially for teenagers who cannot differentiate between right and wrong, it is dangerous for them to be exposed too much on those apps.  
  
To sum up, technology indeed brings efficiency and convenience to our life. However, without the carefulness, it might also be harmful to us.