dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the correlation between price of tv and average salary in japan

  
  
A glance at the given line graph is an illustration regarding the different numbers for various television sets' costs while depicting the remuneration of the Japanese residents throughout 1970 to 2000.  
  
As can be seen explicitly from the chart, whilst there was a predominant decrease in TV prices, the figure for the average monthly income of Japanese surged progressively in the same time frame. Furthermore, by 1970, the number for spending on black and white broadcasting technologies had reached its highest peak before witnessing an overwhelming plummet in 2000.  
  
Getting into details, the expense of consuming the two-colored technological advancements, which were used to display content on a screen, experienced an influx reaching 110 thousand Yen from the beginning. Although the more cutting-edge ones constituted a lower rate (10 thousand Yen), compared to the old versions, by 2000 the television consumption values for both types had hit the rock-bottom. Moreover, the gap between the color TV and the black-white kind was expanded to 45 thousand Yen and 21 thousand Yean respectively.  
  
Meanwhile, below 20 Yen was given to Japanese employees in 1970 and this sector then stayed stagnation during the 20-year period until reaching a record high of approximately 70 Yen in the end. Finally, the year 2000 also suffered a three-fold increase in the figure of Japanese salary and the price of the older TV version that customers consumed.  
  
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This is not an appropriate task 1 essay. It is only 20 words of the minimum 250 word task 2 essay, which has a 40 minute writing time. A task 1 essay should be a concise 175-200 word summarized report. Do not treat it like a task 2 essay because it is not.  
  
The report should not ask the reader to refer to the image in any way. It must describe the content of the image in an audience appropriate way, under the assumption that the image is not present. Avoid over emphasing the information as well. Exaggerated implications will not benefit the essay since the examiner will need to reduce the GRA score as such descriptive words will confuse the reader. Keep the formal tone at all times since this is a direct report essay.  
  
Efforts to create an impressive report were wasted in this exercise due to the aforementioned reasons. When writing the next test, consider these observations to improve not only the writing, but the scoring considerations as well.
***Computers enable people to be able to work at home and children to study at home.  
Some people believe that it is convenient and cost-saving.***  
## Do you think the phenomenon is positive or negative?

  
  
Computers play an integral part in contemporary existence. Undeniably, these high-quality gadgets significantly contribute to the convenience of working and studying at home. While there are several benefits gained from computers, I firmly believe that dependence on them too much leads to some problems.  
  
On the one hand, humans can reap a variety of positive effects from computers. Firstly, there is no need for people to go to the office and children to flock to school in scorching hot weather, especially in the Covid-19 pandemic. Therefore, sitting in front of the glossy green at home, officers stand various chances of working and relaxing in their own ways conveniently. Additionally, computers consist of a slew of resources for students to self-study at home, apart from teachers' lessons. For instance, by containing several online-sharing English videos, Youtube can benefit children to advance their English skills and expand their vocabulary. Accordingly, it is cost-saving for them not to take any extra curriculum.  
  
On the other hand, there are some detrimental effects obtained from computers. Specifically, always paying attention to the screen can result in a sedentary life, which causes some health problems and diseases such as shortsightedness, obesity, and headache. More remarkably, if people depend on the computer too much, they can probably lack social skills, namely communication, teamwork, and problem-solving. Furthermore, children may abuse computers by playing games instead of learning without their parents' observation. As a result, they can lack concentration on studying, which would decrease their quality of learning.  
  
In conclusion, while making a beneficial contribution to the comfort of working and studying at home for people and children, computers also negatively influence well-being issues and attention.
Do not begin the opinion discussion in the first paragraph. While the writer believes he merely restated the prompt, the use of confirmatory words in the paragraph altered that approach, creating a series of opinion discussion points instead. That is not the purpose of this paragraph.  
  
The task response is also incorrect since it does not respond to the question in the expected format. A review of the concluding paragraph shows it would have been more appropriately used as the opinion response in the first paragraph. Right now, the first paragraph will not provide a scoring boost.  
  
The discussion paragraphs do not provide the necessary proof points that could support the writer's opinion, had he provided a correct point of view. It is clear that the writer did not understand the question which is why he could not provide a proper reasoning response explanation. This is a failing essay.
***Crimes committed by young people are increasing in major cities.***  
## Cause and Solution?

  
  
In modern society, there is a rising tendency of youngsters committing crimes in large cities around the world. There are several reasons for this reality and it is of great importance to implement practical solutions to tackle this issue.  
  
This situation stems from various causes. One of the major factors leading to the degradation in the young's moral is the environment in which they live and grow up. If children are nurtured in an unwholesome neighborhood and expose to bad individuals, their mindset and characteristics can be severely affected, hence gradually shaping their behaviors in a negative way. Another root of young people becoming criminals is the relationship among family members as well as the care from their parents. In the hustle and bustle of major cities, many parents do not have much time for their offsprings due to the heavy workload and excessive working hour. Therefore, their children are not under their supervisor and can be enticed to develop criminal actions.  
  
Carrying out solutions to improve the situation is an urgent task. An effective method to be applied is raising children's awareness through education. It is recommendable to have lessons about social issues and adjust the young's behaviors, thus providing them with adequate knowledge to realize what are detrimental and illegal to do as well as preventing themselves from becoming wrongdoers. In addition, it is necessary for parents to arrange their work and spend more time with their children. Since parents are the closest people to their offsprings, having time listening to their thought and giving advice to them is a practical way to protect them from committing crimes.  
  
In conclusion, the reality of young people increasingly becoming criminals can be explained by some factors. However, as long as the causes are identified, the society and their family need to take steps to alleviate this situation.
The paraphrasing attempt of the writer is definitely successful. It stayed focused on the topic without adding or removing information and shows that the vocabulary knowledge is intermediate enough to warrant a good LR score. However, the task accuracy was limited in consideration since there were no clear responses to the 2 questions posed. The summary response is really an important score boost in that section.  
  
I do not understand why the writer felt the need to use 2 topic sentences at the start of the first reasoning paragraph. Redundancies lower the scores because the writer is deemed to be using sentence fillers to meet the word requirement. The paragraph is well explained and will benefit from the cohesive reasoning presentation.  
  
Word usage in the essay is relatively acceptable as it does not confuse the reader. That is not to say the sentences are perfect though. Far from it, but the writer manages to write coherent sentences, which is the point of the explanatory paragraphs.  
  
The conclusion summary is close enough to a good reverse paraphrase. It would have helped if the causes and solutions were summarized in the paragraph as well. Not to worry though. Even though it is 3 words short of the minimum 40 word requirement for the paragraph, it still works.
## road safety and age of the drivers

  
  
In this day and age, traffic has been increasingly becoming a major concern of many individuals. It is widely claimed that raising the minimum legal age for motorists and motorcyclists is the most effective method to improve traffic security. From my perspective, I am wholehearted in favor of this statement.  
  
First and foremost, the primary justification behind my agreement is that the majority of youngsters are usually immature. In other words, they are likely want to show off themself in order to impress their peers by violating laws such as: wave in and out, drive without wearing helmet or run the traffic light, and seeming like it very cool. As a result, they have a tendency to break the rules more without thinking about consequences. Therefore, the proportion of fatality and mortality can undergo an uncontrolled leap. To illustrate, 60% patients' case who are meet accident in Bach Mai Hospital are caused by teenagers.  
  
Nonetheless, another significant reason why I agree with this idea is teenagers are lack of driving experience and problem-solving skill. This could be explained by the fact that they tend to violate the traffic rules frequently. Providing that adolescents continues to allow traveling, a vast number of detrimental accidents will happen. As a consequence, it can lead to a severe effects on not only society but also teenagers mental health which can make an adverse impact on their future. For instance, some recent researches show that adolescents who caused an accident from an early age are usually obsessed.  
  
In conclusion, the legal age of traffic participants should be increased so as to foster the road safety. In the future, more and more nations will be enforced strong policy in this field.
The most evident part of this presentation is that the writer clearly understood the topic and discussion requirements. While the opinion presented would have been stronger with summarized reasons present, it did not reduce the accurate and clear opinion shared with the examiner. Good job.  
  
If there are areas that the writer needs to work on going forward, these would he in relation to his grammar range and sentence formations. Just because his ill formatted presentations can still be understood does not mean that he should be satisfied with a mere low but passing score. Not when with improvements to his sentence idea presentations, he can manage a for higher overall score. By completing more grammar range exercises and applying those lessons to his writing, he can easily boost his score to at least a 7.
@trlinh  
Hi I just have grammar corrections in your essay  
1. "To illustrate, 60% patients' case ...". This should be changed into "To illustrate, 60% of patient's cases who meet with accident in BM hospital were caused by teenager last year". I think you should add a specific time to make it clearer.  
  
2. "are lack of" - Lack is a verb not adj  
  
3. "Providing that adolescents continues to ...". The use of "providing that" is a little confusing to me so I suggest using " given the fact that". Plus, it should be "... adolescent continue to travel more and more"  
  
4. "In the future..."  
The last sentence clearly doesn't make sense, wrong in the meaning and has nothing to do with concluding your essay. You should change it or you'd better omit it.
## bigger budget for trains or for public roads?

  
  
**In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.  
  
Discuss both of these views and give your opinion.**  
  
In modern times, many countries around the world have improved their transportation for citizens to commute to work and study. While there are others who advocate for the government to allocate the majority of the budget to creating more railway lines for fast trains to travel between cities, some believe that the money should be use to improve the current public transport. In my opinion, creating new railway lines for trains to travel will benefit society in the long term.  
  
On the one hand, people want to improve existing public transport for various reasons but mainly for its affordable price. Public transport does not require a large amount of fuel in order to transport people to their desired destination, which means the cost to travel with public transport will be less than a train ticket. Hence, more people would use public transport. For instance, in Vietnam, a bus ticket only cost around 20.000 dong to 50.000 dong to travel.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that constructing railway lines for fast train will be more beneficial in the long run. Firstly, increase job opportunities. Many people are searching for jobs that are around their city, which can limit their job search. With the construction of new railway lines, fast trains will be able to transport people to a different city with little amount of time cost. Thus, increase the range that they can get a job since they can travel to a different city with no time lost. For example, a person can travel to Hanoi to work or study and go back to their home back in Ho Chi Minh city. Secondly, reduce air pollution. A train can carry a large sum of passengers per travel, which means it will exhaust fewer fumes for travel. As a result, it will improve the air quality in the city.  
  
In conclusion, some people want the government to use the nations budgets to create railway lines for fast trains, while others think the money should be use to improve the current public transport. I believe that the construction of new railway lines will be more beneficial for the future.
The essay is too wordy for a task that needs to be completed within 40 minutes. This should not be more than 300 words long. It would help the author to learn how to use concise wording in the future. That is because the explanations do not need to be lengthy. It should just be long enough to justify the writer's opinion. Avoid long sentences since these run-on presentations make the essay more prone to unintentional C + C and GRA errors. This is one time where a shorter presentation would be better for the score. 275 is the ideal word length.  
  
I noticed that the supporting reason for the writer's opinion was (accidentally) placed as the opening sentence. In an actual test, that misplacement would result in a scoring markdown. To properly earn a score for that statement, it should accompany the personal opinion representation. That way it helps add to the accuracy considerations.  
  
The essay itself is not completely formatted as it does not clearly discuss the public vis-a-vis the personal opinion. Group pronoun usage to help explain the common opinion reasons prior to the writer's view must be indicated in relation to C + C and GRA scores. The clarity of the discussion is lost without these pronoun references.  
  
Several other shortcomings in this presentation are also present but unfortunately, cannot be accomodated in this thread. A private consultation may benefit the exam taker in relation to increased scoring potential.
***Sport has an important role in society. Some people believe that it is nothing more than leisure activities.***  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion?

  
  
More and more people are involved in sporting activities in this day and age. While being a fundamental part of the development of society, sports are still considered by some individuals as just a pastime. Although I interpret this point of view, I am of the opinion that sports also have a great influence on our health and the economy.  
  
On the one hand, it is understandable that sports are claimed to serve only leisure purposes. Some people lack the innate gifts or physical characteristics such as flexibility, speed, and height to perform and play a professional athlete, which causes them to believe that sports only provide them with a sense of relaxation. For example, many students at schools reckon that sports are added to their curriculum to release their stress and pressure after Math or Physics lessons.  
  
On the other hand, there is ample evidence that sports play an indispensable part in our life. For a thriving society, each individual has to possess great health to work and contribute, which requires them to participate in sports regularly to improve and enhance both their physical and mental well-being. Taking part in sports results in the decrease of certain problems such as weak bones, osteoporosis and cardiovascular disease. Furthermore, playing sports also reduces the level of anxiety and stress, leading to a better state of mind in which people work more efficiently. In addition, international sporting events promote the host nations' tourism that is conducive to the growth of the economy. The Olympics games is a prime example as the host countries will attract a flood of visitors and fans bringing them a remarkable amount of profit.  
  
In conclusion, albeit the claim that playing sports is just a means of recreational activities, I concur with the more convincing view that sports also have a pivotal role in the development of people's health and the country's economy, with the aforementioned discussion.
Do not include a personal opinion statement at the start of the paraphrase. This opinion should not be included because it is not a part of the original topic presentation. It is not related to the original prompt and therefore, should be skipped in the restatement. The Next 2 sentences were all that were needed to restate the topic from the first version.  
  
There is a bit of a confusion with the following writer's statement:  
  
Although I interpret this point of view  
What does this mean in the mind of the writer? What exactly was he trying to say in his native tongue? This is a phrase that does not make any logical sense to the examiner. The last part, the one that clearly states the opinion basis, would have made for a better, clearer, and supported writer's opinion statement.  
  
The comparative analysis as required of this writing is lacking. The general statement, without pronoun usage indicates that these are observations made only from the personal opinion of the writer. A POV that is lacking in basis since there should be a discussion regarding:  
  
1. What the public opinion is and why it is supported by the public  
2. The writer's view of these reasons and why he opposes or supports these  
  
The writer failed to properly represent his own opinion as well. By explaining it in the concluding paragraph, he automatically failed the test since there no closing summary as required by the formatting considerations. If he wanted to use the 3 paragraph response format then the presentation should have been:  
  
Par. 1: Prompt restatement + opinion w/ thesis  
Par. 2: Explanation for public opinion 1 with correct pronoun usage  
Par. 3: Explanation for public opinion 2 with correct pronoun usage  
Par. 4: Personal opinion using first person pronouns  
Par. 5: Concluding summary  
  
His reasoning statements are confusing and difficult to follow due to the lack of cohesive discussion. The topics do not interrelate in the paragraphs and the explanations seem to move from one topic to another without any connecting reasons.  
  
It is for these reasons that the presentation can be considered weak and short on scoring considerations that would have helped it pass the test.
## charging admission fees when entering museums

  
  
It is true that entrance fees are applied in a variety of museums nowadays, while there are still others which do not charge any fee for admission. While there are some advantages of charging entrance fees in museums, I believe that it is primarily a disadvantage.  
  
Before looking at the negative points, it is useful to understand the positive impact of applying admission fees. In terms of higher quality process, many museums might use charged fee to invest more in improving museums' infrastructure. For example, in Vietnam, people prefer to visit some museums in cool weathers to hot weathers due to the lack of air-conditioners in several places. The better air-conditioning quality ,therefore, encourages people to pay a visit to museums no matter how the weather is.  
  
Nonetheless, the disadvantages of this issue should not be understated. Firstly, it should be a nation's traditional value that people feel when they go to museums. Charging admission fees makes visitors misunderstand and have tendency to ignore that unique value, that they only think of visiting museums as anything like other places of entertainment, no more than a commercial trade. Therefore, in the long term, a death of cultural value might be caused by that policy itself. Secondly, students are increasingly encouraged to understand their own country's history as it is now essential for them to learn history as their compulsory subjects in school curriculum, and museums are one of the ideal places to absorb knowledge. However, charging entrance fees would make them hesitate to pay a visit to those places. For those who are living in poverty, there will be less chances for them to regularly visit museums as the finances could not cover the cost.  
  
In conclusion, while there are certainly some advantages brought by charging admission fees when entering museums, the disadvantages that it has on cultural value and individuals' financial condition is worrying.
The writer had an almost correct approach to the discussion. The examiner will not be against his providing a positive consideration in the discussion. Not at all. Provided however, that the end result of that positive idea is its negation in support of the writer's thesis opinion. He almost had the perfect response. If only the first reasoning paragraph had followed the previously stated discussion format.  
  
As for the second reasoning paragraph, a lot can be said in relation to its presentation. First, there are too many topics present, but not all relate to one another in the paragraph. The use of numerical ordinals does not translate into proper linking and cohesive devices unless the ideas actually intersect or logically connect. Second, the sheer number of topics provided ensured that the paragraph ideas would not be fully supported and explained. Linked discussion ideas of no more than 2 work best in this discussion format.