dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*Dear Andika, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!*  
  
... others nation was decline**d** the proportion of ...  
  
Unsurprisingly, Laos still stayed **at** the same of proportion ...  
  
....Cambodia experienced an incline**d** of number by 100 ...  
  
Other level of countries ~~performs~~**performed** only a small-scale proportion.  
  
*Regards*
A breakdown of the information about the number of prisoners in five developed countries over eight decades measured by thousands is represented in the bar chart. Overall, it is really essential to notice that United State dominated the total of imprisonment during 50 years, apart from in 1990 and 1950 since those years was led in Canada.  
  
Initially, Canada experienced in the top rank, while Great Britain occupied in the bottom position. In the following next decade, United States took over the first position. By 1950, several countries experienced an alteration, while others had same proportion.  
  
Comparing to the countries, United States led almost all periods and never took in the last position. Canada dominated in 1990 and 1950, while got the second position in the remaining decade. New Zealand got the highest percentage in 1990 at around 100%, yet at least in 1950 at roughly five out of ten which had middle position. There was an alteration in Australia which had 50% in the beginning, nevertheless it rose to 60%. Eventually, the proportion of Great Britain saw an increase from 1900 to 1980, while in 1970, it had same percentage with Australia and New Zealand.  
  
*
Dear Riandi, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
... those years was led ~~in~~**by** Canada.  
  
Initially, **in 1930,** Canada experienced in the ...  
  
... percentage in 1990 at around ~~100%,~~**100,000**...  
  
... in Australia which had ~~50%~~**50,000** in the beginning, nevertheless it rose to ~~60%.~~**60,000.**  
  
... saw an increase**d** from 1900 to 1980,...  
  
Regards
**People Sign Up for Obamacare After Donald Trump Elected President**  
  
According to TIME.COM, after Donald Trump elected as the 45th President of the Unites States of America, there has been a proliferation of health insurance, they registered in Obamacare program. The people who have enrolled reaching just over 100.000 citizens, it is the highest amount since the administration started. Some analysts argue that this is because people worry regarding their future life under Donald's tenure as the President of USA. It shocked most of Americans and other communities, especially refugees. While Muslim community also under pressure since Donald's statement which reflects that he extremely dislikes Muslim.  
  
Sylvia Burwell as Secretary of Health and Human Services remarked that such trend happened right after the official announcement that Donald Trump won the president election, beat Hillary Clinton who was expected will overtake Barack Obama's tenure as the most powerful person. In addition, spokesperson of Health and Human Department also argue that health insurance will be becoming an essential need for all Americans.
Apparently, children' notorious daily activity should be seriously tackled by parents' role. Children should, of course, keep under surveillance by day and night by their mom and dad. They ought to maintain their own health by doing some weakly sports activities or giving them the best nourishing diet. There are three ways that crucial to maintain their healthy. Initially, they should eat nutritiously. It means that they should concentrate on cutting down on unhealthy food and soft drink and take nutrition of protein, carbohydrates and fats into consideration. Moreover, breakfast is a must. It is clear that skipping meals is not good for health since the nutrition is necessary for their growth. As we know, teens are faced with a lot of activities that are requiring more and more energy. So, the best way to deal with this is to nourish them good fresh food so as to lead a healthy life and stay fit.  
  
thejakartapost
It looks good, Just some grammar and structure issues...  
Your Sentence: Children should, of course, keep under surveillance by ...  
turn keep under surveillance by day and night by their mom and dad, into ..... should be kept under surveillance day and night by their parents.  
  
Change it to parents because many people do not have a mom and dad together, so keep it neutral.  
  
try not to use words like: apparently and seriously... look for synonyms  
  
Also, use more conjunctions and adverbs to make it flow.  
  
Instead of using the word children once and then using they (for replacing children)... use children again, it is okay to as long as it's not in every sentence.  
  
Try to use a less angry tone to get your point across.
Emulsifiers is one of light foods such as ice cream, chocolate bar, bread, soda and margarine, ingredients that is used to gain the best texture of the food. Nonetheless, fact says that cancers are triggered through the mentioned substance. Emilie Viennois, has carried out a study toward Emulsifiers and find out that this stuff could make the consumers suffering chronic cancer-death disease since Emulsifiers can bear inflammation and colorectal cancer. Another conducted study stated that involved mice consumed Emulsifiers results the rodents having tumor.  
  
Viennois suggests everyone to minimize the consumption of snacks and have a healthy diet in order to reduce the amount of dangerous chemical be eaten. Even though there is a regulation not to utilized Emulsifiers one to two percent in each product, no one can count how much Emulsifiers come to our body.  
  
Source : cosmopolitan
When writing in a formal tone, do not use words such as "stuff" in the summary. That indicates a lack of vocabulary skill and removes the seriousness by which the original article was written. Also, the original article makes mention of previous studies and publications that deal with this topic, you should have properly cited those original sources in the summary as well. Since the result of article quoting Veinnois was built up over a series of preceding articles, then all the related research should have been included in the overview as well.  
  
Most of the issues with your essay has to do with proper sentence structure. The presentation tends to be confusing because of the way you developed the sentence for presentation. However, the lack of proper grammar and presentation did not give the reader a hard time because the meaning of the statement was left clear within your written work. The fact that you followed a logical development and presentation for the important information helps to increase the final score of this practice essay to an overall score of 5. At least, that is my opinion of how I would score your work as an examiner.
Another upcoming movie sequels authored by J.K. Rowling, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, casts an out of the blue clue. After several rumors mentioned that he will not be appeared in its first sequel, Albus Dumbledore turned out to be emerging as a young gay wizard who has relationship with dark wizard Gellert Grindelwald.  
  
Will be filmed by David Heyman, the producer of the eight Harry Potter films before, this movie will portray how the wizards from American and England capture magical creatures escaped from a magic bag and involving the formative period Albus' life. However, not only the appearance of Albus Dumbledore as quite troubled young gay wizard, but also the image of the early years of Hogwarts what makes the fans cannot wait for the movie that will be released by the end of this year.  
  
Source: time.com/4566727/j-k-rowling-dumbledore-gay-fantastic-beasts/
Alrisky, I can tell from your writing that you are a fan of the Harry Potter book series and universe. It is reflected in the way you summarized the story from time.com using information that is not in the original article. Therefore, the information you posed in your summary, aside from Dumbledore being gay in the new movie series is incorrect. To be perfectly honest, you did a good job in the first part of the statement because it adhered to the information presented in the article.  
  
The improper information came in the second paragraph as you mentioned the early image of Hogwarts would be featured in the film although it was not referred to in the article. Hogwarts was mentioned only in reference to describing the future role of Dumbledore in the book franchise. You should always strive to maintain verifiable information in your statement by double checking the information you are presenting against the original.
Kitra Cahana, who currently works as a photojournalist, ever wonders to escape from her routine boring life while she was a little girl. Her dream is to get to know the stranges living unconventionaly on the road. However, she is never able to pursue her dream.  
  
As time goes by, her profession as a documentary photographer is a new opening chapter in her life since she finally can capture the lives of fellow wanderers across the United States such as young hobos, travelers, hitchhikers, vagrants and tramps. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates the nomads as it can be seen by the law banned them to stay on the road and the law is now existed in many cities across the United State. In addition, she emphasizes the examples of the laws that harmful for the nomads, yet currently applied. It is illegal now for the nomads to sit on the sidewalk, to wrap their self in a blanket, to sleep in their own car, and even to offer food to a stranger.  
  
What she tries to stress is about the way societies badly think about the nomads as many of the nomads that she knew were already hauled off to jail because of the unreasonable laws currently existed. She also add her points that the society should appreciate the nomads since not all people having the lucky life that we have or sharing the same idea with us or even seeing the world the way that we see.  
  
Source: ted
I'm not quite sure what the task was but if it is to analyze the talk be careful not to summarize the text. However, if your task was to summarize it provide more detail, try pretending you have to explain the talk to a complete stranger like me who has not heard the speakers ideas before.  
  
Also make your intro a little stronger and narrowed down to what you're going to get into in the rest of your speech. For instance if it's goignt o be about how the speaker felt through out her life, make it very clear straight a way.  
  
try:"... has yearned to escape from her routine and mundane lifestyle ever since she was a young girl. Her dream today is to get to know the stranges of living unconventionaly on the road. However, due to\_\_\_\_\_, she is unable to ever pursue that dream."
The line graph indicates about the proportion of diarrhea patients in Mashhad for nine years period from 1983 until 1992. Overall, people who get diarrhea diseases rose slightly in the first four years before a significant fluctuation is occurred in the last five years. While, the figure reach a peak in 1989 and show a dramatic drop which made Mashhad free from diarrhea cases at the end of the observation in 1992.  
  
First of all, there was a hundreds diarrhea patients in Mashhad in 1983. It remained steady for the following year, before it rose slightly for the next three years to approximately 200 cases in 1987. After which, the figure experienced a small decrease to a little less than 100 patient in 1988. Afterwards, it increased dramatically and reached a peak at a little more than 400 cases in 1989. Then it was leveled of to just over 350 patients and remained stable in the next two years. Lastly, the cases dropped enormously and no people found to be diarrhea patients in 1992. (174 words)  
  
*
@debby17  
  
Here are some points that I think you should take into consideration to make your writing task even better:  
  
1- It seems too mechanical and obviously you've tired to follow some rules and patterns provided by a template. So, try to make your writings more flexible and use as various words as you can.  
  
2- Using "while" followed immediately by a "," at the beginning of a sentence seems wrong to my eyes. We normally use while at the beginning of a sentence to show a contrast between two facts. According to Wikipedia:  
  
While can also be legitimately used in the contrastive sense, comparable to the words "although" or "whereas", provided that it is not ambiguous :  
  
"While I like cats, my husband is allergic."  
As you see, comma "," is used right after the first clause indicating a contrast between the first clause and the second one.
A breakdown of the information about the proportion of expenditures five different basic needs in several developed countries in 2009 measured by percentage is illustrated in the bar chart. Overall, housing was by far the most significant sector of all country's expenditures. Also, USA proportions was by far the highest number in housing.  
  
USA far dominated the proportion of housing and health care at 26% and 7%. This was followed by Canada in levels of Transportation and Clothing in 2009. Moreover, Japan levels was lead in the refreshment sector at 23% than others. Unsurprisingly, both Canada and Japan proportions spent on same budget in Health Care.  
  
Turning to the another diverge proportion, USA levels experienced the lowest of number at 14% and 4% in Food and Clothing. As well, each Canada proportions stayed at lower rate in housing, similarity with Japan numbers in transportation. Interestingly, United Kingdom people not much spent on their funding in Health care sector.  
  
*
Suzanne Barakat in this TED video shared about her experienced life. For the beginning of her speech, she was introduced her brother to the audiences, who passed away a couple years ago because murdered by her neighbor. I think it was a very interesting speech because she tried to encourage the audiences for standing up with her against hate on Muslim. She told that in her environment, North Carolina, most of her neighbors extremely hate with Muslim people. Furthermore, she said that in three years ago, her house got couple of bullets and it made her family scared about this situation. After that, she and her family moved to San Francisco but the condition was unchanged. She always got bullying from her neighbor and for the unacceptable moment, her brother was murdered by her neighbor. It made her scared and angered with the situation, but she tried to control her emotional and thought about the best solution to face this problem. Thus, she tried to encourage people to introduce for next generation about the views of Islam in order to prevent the same crime that experienced her life.
Muhamad, when you are writing an article summary, you are not allowed to portray any sort of personal statement that could show a conflict of interest or certain bias in the way that you summarize the information. In this instance, you did exactly that. By showing a personal connection to the summary, you have tainted the discussion and summary that you have presented to the reader. When you write an academic paper, you are supposed to be able to compartmentalize your sentiments and personal opinions so that it does not interfere with the true essence of the summary / message.  
  
Now, the essay itself is understandable. However, there are still sentence development and grammar issues that exist. The problem with your sentences occur because of your uncertainty regarding the proper tense (past, present, future) usage. This causes a confusion for the reader and requires them to create their own conclusion as to the occurrence of the events you are narrating.
Hi Muhammad, I'd like to share a few insights for your essay;  
  
-In this video, Suzanne Barakat ~~in this TED video~~  
- shared about her experience~~d~~in life.  
- ~~For~~In the beginning of her speech,  
- she was introduced by her brother to the audience~~s~~ ,  
- who passed away a couple of years ago  
- ~~because~~he was murdered by her neighbor.  
- I ~~think~~believe it was a very interesting speech  
- because she tried to encourage the audience~~s for standing up~~to share their hatred~~with her~~ against ~~hate on~~the Muslims .  
- She ~~told~~shared that in her environment,  
- extremely hate ~~with~~ Muslims~~people~~ .  
- Furthermore, she said ~~that in~~ three years ago,  
- her house ~~got couple of bullets~~has been gunned down  
- but the condition ~~was unchanged~~did not change .  
- She's always ~~got bullying from~~bullied by her neighbor  
  
There you have it Muhammad, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.
The choice for some people to be happy from early until end of their age. For example, studied from the teenagers all the way they do activities until old age to see what people can stay happy and healthy. The longest current study of Harvard Development stated that 75 years of people that feel happy as many factors influenced them. In addition, the scientist track the life of 724 men. They asking some question such as their home, home lives and health. Many problems face during this test as it was not easier than others study. However, there are still life people that join the test and now, he was age 90 years old. Moreover, since 1938, they try another ways such as divided people in a group. First group of men who studied at university and second group of boys from boston experienced some probem with thier lifes. All the teenager get interview and medical exam and also their parents got interview too. The result from this study or the factors made the people enjoy their life was God, relationship, keep them happy and healthy from day to day. There were related to relationship situations that supported this way such as social connection, quality with close relationship and have a good partner. This message showed increased healthy until old aged can be done and still aware about little mistake to broke the relationship.
Andika, when you write a summary essay that has to trace its information to the earliest known information regarding a study or survey, that part of the summary should come first. Start with the oldest information, working your way to the summary of the newest information so that there will be a clear chronology of information for the reader to process. At the moment, your summary gets confusing because, aside from the sentence development problems and vocabulary issues, the summary seems to just haphazardly offer information without a clear logical pattern. Your first sentence in this essay, which was supposed to lay the understanding for the discussion with the essay portrays an incomplete thought pattern and as such, creates a hanging sentence that does not make any sense. Remember to review your summaries in order to ensure that every sentence makes sense to the reader. Otherwise, the reader will be unduly stressed and may not be able to understand the overall summary because of the problem with the topic sentence.
Hi Andika, here's another one from my end;  
  
- The choice for some people to be happy from early age  
- until ~~end of their age. For example,~~maturity has been studied from  
- the teenagers activities all the way ~~they do activities until~~to their old age to  
- see what and how can people ~~can~~ stay happy and healthy.  
  
Andika, as I go through editing the essay, I started a little bit confused and honestly, it stayed this way for the entire length of the essay. You see,one thing that is very confusing in your essay is the fact that, the structure is not very logical and the strength of the ideas are so put together in a way that is quiet confusing and not necessarily in conjunction to the idea or the message that you are trying to send to your readers. Having said that, I made a few starting points of revision as you can see above and I hope you follow through, I wish to review the final draft soon.
Jeson, is this your first time writing an essay for task 2? If it is, then don't feel so bad because I am giving this current essay a rating of 4 in the overall band score. There are tremendous problems with your grammar, vocabulary, and sentence structure to name but a few of the areas that I suggest you concentrate on improving. There are many parts of the essay where your message is lost because of the part came across as unclear to the reader. That happens when you fail to develop the sentence structures accurately. The problems with the grammar, vocabulary, and punctuation lead the reader to a difficult, if not faulty understanding of your essay. The grammar problems were so bad in the essay that I really found myself constantly having to read, re-read, then re-read your paragraph. When a reviewer needs to read your paragraphs or your full paper a number of times before he can make sense of what you have written, you can bet that your score will not be a passing one in the end. Kindly take note of my comments and try to improve upon them with your next practice test.
@Holt  
To tell the truth, I am not fond of your comment. Too many discouragement there, without any concrete correction.  
  
I agree with you there are so many mistakes, but you didn't point out, neither let me know how to correct them?  
  
Even if you correct a misspelt word, I would say thanks to you, but your current comment is totally above my head.  
  
But thanks all the same, for your time.
**WRITING TASK 1 : Imprisonment in five different countries**  
  
A breakdown of the information about the proportion of crime punishments in several nations over the 50 year period, measured by thousands is illustrated in the bar chart. Overall, only Great Britain and USA showed an upward trend, a converse appeared to be true in others nation. Also, USA numbers was far the highest rate in 1980.  
  
Great Britain was by far the most siginificant changed in the first 20-years. In contrast, Australia and New Zealand prisoners experienced downward trend in the same year. The fluctuated trend was seen in Canada offenders. Unsurprisingly, New Zealand and Australia stayed the same of proportions by 100,000 in 1930.  
  
Turning to the last 20 years, Gread Britain crimes still experienced rose of number to 80,000. While Australia offenders had slowly climb, however, they fell down to 50,000 in the end of year. In addition, New Zealand had slightly increase until the latter one. In other case, USA and Canada prisoners performed fluctuated to 140,000 and 100,000 respectively.  
  
*
Dear Irianto, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
... and Australia stayed **at** the same ~~of~~ proportions by 100,000 in 1930.  
  
... had slowly climb**ed**, ~~however,~~ they fell down to ...  
  
... had slightly increase**d** until the latter one.  
  
... prisoners performed **a** fluctuated **proportion** to 140,000 and ...  
  
Regards
Hi Andika, here is some suggestions for you  
  
... the proportion of ~~crime punishments~~captives in several nations over the ...  
  
... by far the most ~~siginificant~~significant chang~~ed~~ in the first 20-years.  
... stayed the same of proportions ~~by~~to 100,000 in 1930.  
  
..., Gread Britain crime~~s~~offenders still experienced (...) had slowly climbed , however, they ...  
... Zealand had slightly increased until the latter one.  
  
Best Regards