dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi likhita, Some corrections you may find it useful:  
Importance ->important  
dreams ~~and~~but the emphasis  
Your parapharase seems incorrect since worthable goals are not necessarily achievable.  
*But where most young people fail is to channelise ... .* As a reader I cannot understand this sentence.  
your reason in the first paragraph is not clear.  
  
Again I don't understand following sentence too, maybe you mean: There are many other important reasons behind picking worthy goals.  
The need for importance to be given to p... .  
  
The organization of other parts is not quite understandable to comment on.
likhitha, due to the existing problems with your essay, I do not believe that it can score higher than a 2. If you noticed, you did not clearly respond to the prompt requirement. There was no statement of agreement or disagreement with the statement provided. You instead tried to rely on quotes from people notable only in your society to try and explain your analysis of the essay. There is no proper referencing towards a logical flow of thought that would have helped you to properly analyze, represent, and explain your stance on the given statement. The format that you used for writing this essay is not in the GRE analytical format but rather and IELTS format discussion that relies mostly on public knowledge rather than a strong analysis based on critical thinking of the given statement. When you write this essay, you must dissect the original statement, looking for potential loopholes in the presentation that you can exploit in the discussion that you will be creating. That is how this essay is developed and written.
**The chart below shows how frequently people in the USA ate in fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The graph compares how often USA citizens eat in fast food restaurants in 2003, 2006 and 2013. It categorizes the results in 6 states; which are Every Day, Several Time a Week, Once a Week, Once or Twice a month, a Few Time a Year, and Never. In this report, we will discuss the findings in more details by presenting the main trends in the graph.  
  
Under 5% of USA people either never ate in fast food restaurant or ate every day, although the numbers are decreasing gradually from 2003 to 2013. 17% of people ate fast food several times a week in 2003, this number increased to 20% in 2006 and rapidly decreased to 16% in in 2013. Just over 30% of people were using fas food at least once a week in 2003, and the figures gradually went up to around 33% in 2006 and significantly went down to 28% in 2013. In addition, in 2003, 30% of citizens ate fast food once or twice a month which had significant decrease to 25% in 2006 and surprisingly grows to 33% in 2013. In the last category, there were 13% of people who ate fast food a few times a year, and this number gradually increased to 15% in 2006 and remained steady till 2013.  
  
It shows that in general, the number of people who ate fast food is decreasing in 3 categories over the mentioned years, except for "Once or Twice a Month" which raised to 33% and "a Few Times a Year" plus "Never" which remained steady.  
  
(229 Words)  
  
**One additional question I have is about the number of words that I used. Are they too much? Do I get a deduction in grade if something like this happens in IELTS exam?**  
  
*
You should actually aim to write at least 200 words of the 150 minimum for this type of essay. Be cautious though. You must not just keep writing for the sake of writing more words. You must write words that create relevant discussions of the given information. That means writing 250 words of useless gibberish that creates sentences that lack logic and cohesion will not score the same as a 150 word essay that shows a clear discussion flow, control over sentence structure, and grammatical development in a proper manner.  
  
In this essay, you should have also aimed to present 4 paragraphs instead of 2 short and one long paragraph. You can still use the 5 paragraph format here if you want to. Since there are 3 years to be compared, it is understood that you will be writing 3 comparative paragraphs. Now, I would suggest doing the comparison on a year to year basis in order to create a more logical presentation of ideas. However, if you opt to present the information on a grouped, per year basis, that will work too. It may however, come out as confusing for the reader because the trend in development and the comparative discussion will become more difficult to follow.
Hello guys, I hope you can take a look at my writing and point out what I need to improve. Thank you, I really appreciate !  
  
## monthly income of the bookshop in NYC

  
  
**the chart below shows the sales income of a new york city bookstore for three types of products throughout last year**  
  
Data that compares last year's monthly revenue of the bookshop in New York City is provided in the line graph. Overall, despite a decline in the middle of the year, Newspaper accounted for the highest figure. The sales income of magazine experienced a downward fluctuation whereas that of newspaper remained relatively constant at the bottom during a surveyed year.  
  
Looking at the graph, in January, the highest amount of money was found in Novels, at $12000. For the next 2 years, there was a plateau of its figure prior to a steadily drop to a low of $100000 in income by June. Subsequently, the trend witnessed an upsurge to reach a high of $150000 by the end of the year. Regarding magazines, its revenue began the year with $60000. The trend then underwent a gradual fall to $30000 by August before leveling off until the end of the year.  
  
In contrast, novels generate the lowest income figures. However, sales were quite stable with the income of $20000 in each month of the year  
  
(175 words)
Ngo, a more accurate review of your work can only be done if you include the image with the essay. You forgot to upload it this time around. You need to upload that image if you want me to write up a review of your presentation problems and grammar issues. For now, I an tell you a number of things regarding your general presentation.  
  
First up, you need to aim to write at least 200 words in order to get a better score. Normally a presentation of 4 paragraphs will be more than sufficient to get you a passing score provided the information is accurate and contains the required number of sentences per paragraph. That means, a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph will result in a passing score. That normally indicates a well developed presentation of information, upon which you are scored.  
  
Next, look out for those tricky capitalization problems and pesky punctuation mistakes. Words like newspaper and novels are not capitalized. Those are not proper nouns. You remember the rules by which you should capitalize words in relation to nouns right? Only proper names and titles are upgraded to a capitalized format. As for your punctuation problems, the one that stands out the most is the last sentence, which is your trending statement. You are missing a period at the end of it.
**Question:  
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.**  
  
## proportion of elder and younger people in society

  
  
Answer:  
It is commonly known that the total population of the youngsters are more than that of the elderly in a large number of countries. My personal opinion is that the benefits of the current situation outweigh its drawbacks.  
  
On the one hand, the elderly have more experience and are wiser than the young generation. Their experience helps them develop more strategies and can easily resolve problems when facing difficulties so they are more suitable for ruling corporations and leading the public. Nevertheless, the youngsters are more likely to feel panic or nervous towards tough situations and eventually fail to go over difficulties. For instance, the qualified candidates of presidents of the majority of countries must be over a certain age because the elderly are regarded as truth-worthy leaders.  
  
On the other hand, young people can create more economic progress than the older generation. Firstly, the youngsters are physically stronger than their counterparts. They are more energetic and their physical condition allows them to work for long hours, which results in better work performance and higher productivity. Secondly, young workers can come up with innovative ideas to create more profit for the company. Compared to the elderly, young adults tend to be more interested in the new trend and technology, this helps them to think outside the box and encourage them to integrate the current model with their extraordinary ideas. For example, Steve Jobs created the first smartphone in his 40's, which was totally different from the original cell phone and has brought significant impact on modern peoples' lifestyle.  
  
In conclusion, although the elderly play an important role in problem-solving, I believe that the young people can bring more positive effects to the society.  
  
Please score my article, thank you.
Irene, your score for this essay will be a 4. My opinion of your score is based on the reason that you had a slight misunderstanding of the prompt requirement which asked you to consider if the given discussion has more advantages than disadvantages. You should have only chosen one side to defend in the essay. You should have discussed only one side, not both sides in your response. Your discussion should only say that you believe the advantages of the situation are more than the disadvantages in the essay. Or, you take the opposing side to discuss, which is that the disadvantages are more and write about that. You should not have written about both topics in a single essay.  
  
It is because of the discussion style that you presented that I came to the conclusion that you attempted to address the task, did well enough in the discussion, but ended up with an inappropriate format for the discussion because of your lack of a singular opinion discussion. This error could have immediately been corrected or avoided if you had only developed the proper prompt paraphrase for the essay. An example of an applicable paraphrase would be:  
  
*These days, it is not uncommon for the young adults to outnumber the older adults in some countries. Some people believe that this situation has created a situation where the existence of more young adults has created more advantages than disadvantages when compared with the existence of the older adults. In this essay, I will be presenting my response to this belief and supporting it with evidence from my personal observations and experience as a young adult myself.*  
  
As you can see from my example, your opening statement was flawed from the beginning because of your lack of proper prompt representation. It is even short on the required number of sentences. Hence, your work shows that you are not yet at an advanced level of English understanding. The misunderstanding of the prompt requirements becomes highly pronounced when compared side by side with the one I created.  
  
Your concluding paragraph is also faulty for the same reasons indicated above. You also continue to discuss new information in the concluding sentence when you are not allowed to do that anymore because the concluding paragraph can only summarize the already presented discussion in a similar format to the prompt paraphrase. These are the reasons why your score cannot be higher than a 4.
Helllooo there, thank you for sending your essay here. Two reviewers have given their insights towards your essay. Now, it is my time to share my valuable feedback.  
  
**Paragraph 1:**  
- The first sentence of the paragraph has been covered, although some keywords are too close to the original ones, such as *population, countries* and *large number*.  
  
- The second sentence thoroughly fails to present a strong thesis statement, as you did not outline the main ideas.  
  
**Paragraph 2:**  
- The first sentence is supposed to be a clear topic sentence derived from the thesis statement. Since you did not outline any main ideas in the thesis, then this part is lack of coherence.  
  
- The second sentence of this paragraph should discuss your claims *(elderly have more experience and are wiser than the young generation)* from the aforementioned sentence.  
  
- Some details of *situations and eventually fail to go over difficulties* are needed. Remember, In-depth explanations as to support your topic sentence should be there. Such explanations can be gained if only you use journalistic questions: 5W/ 1H.  
  
**Paragraph 3:**  
- you cannot use this---> *On the other hand* as no contrasting idea(s) there.  
  
young people can create more economic progress than the older generation. Firstly, the youngsters are physically stronger than their counterparts  
These two sentences are not linked. I cannot even find how the second sentence supports the idea from the former one.  
  
Secondly, young workers can come up ...  
Again, the second sentence did not support the the previous one. If I were you, then I'd discuss which certain ideas can create extra profit for a company.  
  
**Paragraph 4:**  
A good paragraph consists at least three sentences in a row. Although some suggest that IELTS concluding paragraph can be simply ended with one sentence, this way tends to be repetitive," which means that the structure constantly says the same ideas over and over, and therefore your score hovers at 6.0 for Task Response.  
  
Hope this helps :D  
-Eddy Suaib.
Ielts writing task 2:  
  
Can you guys please kindly give me some advice ? Thanks a lot!  
  
Question: **Marriages are bigger and more expensive nowadays than in the past. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative development?**  
  
## more and money for marriages

  
  
It is undeniable that new couples spend a huge amount on marriage recently. There are various causes for this and I think that drawbacks outweigh benefits.  
  
There are two main reasons for this trend. Firstly, new couples nowadays are willing to spend more to make the marriages perfect. They do not want to leave any regret as wedding is one of the most crucial moment in their life time. People pay attention to all the wedding details, from the design of wedding card, souvenirs for the guests to wedding photos , however all these cost a lot and make the marriages become expensive. Secondly, thanks for the development of social media, people upload their photos to Facebook or Instagram to show off, this becomes one of the tensions from the couples. Marriage is a sort of 'presentation ' to their friends and relatives.  
  
In my opinion, I do believe this is a drawback. First of all, people will only focus on the ceremony instead of the true meaning of marriage. What make a marriage important is how you treat and care about your partner instead of how fabulous the wedding ceremony is. The other reason is new couples always need to borrow money from parents or even banks for paying the expenditure of marriages, this is a huge burden for them and hinder their marriage afterwards, for example, they have used up all the saving and cannot afford a flat to live.  
  
In conclusion, grand and expensive marriages become more and more common in recently years, however I would argue this brings a negative impact on the development of a society.
Beatrice, before I even deal with any other problems with your essay, I first have to point out that you are not discussing the correct prompt requirement. This is a single opinion essay that focuses on belief that spending more on marriages these days is either a positive or negative development. That is a different discussion from the advantage and disadvantage or drawback essay. Each of these essays have a specific prompt direction to fulfill. This essay is fulfilling the wrong requirement in terms of prompt discussion. The correct method of discussing this essay should have been:  
  
*These days, marriage has become an expensive undertaking. There are at least 2 reasons that this has been happening. In this essay, I will present 2 reasons for this development and also discuss why this is a negative development.  
  
The first reason that expensive weddings have been taking place is because...  
  
Aside from that, another reason that people spend on their nuptials has to do with...  
  
I consider this a negative development because...  
  
In conclusion...*  
  
With the major problem out of the way, I would like to point out that you are beyond the maximum sentence requirement per paragraph. You should never go beyond a 5 sentence presentation per paragraph. That is why you should only discuss one topic per paragraph. You don't have the sentence allotment to discuss 2 topics in one paragraph. Since you have 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss, you can present 2 individual reasons per paragraph, then the personal opinion before you conclude your essay.
**In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trans between cities.  
  
Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## commuting between cities

  
  
In today's world, transportation plays an important role in our everyday life. While some people think that it's important to invest n railways to travel faster between cities, others believe that the government should dedicate money to makes the available transportation system better. It's a controversial discussion, so I will discuss both points of views and present my idea with an example to support my answer.  
  
On one hand, there are people who think that we need better railway so have access to other cities in short time. They think that it could help the environment by reducing the traffic between two destinations, therefore eliminate the air pollution and also save a lot of time when one wants to see his/her loved ones in a far city.  
  
On the Other hand, some people believe that the transportation that we already have, need a lot of maintaining and have much room for improvements. In fact, they think that the most crucial part is the local transportation because we use it more often in our everyday life. For example going to work or restaurant and also for entertainment. So it deserves more attention as well.  
  
In my point of view, I respect both of these opinions, and I believe it really depends on the country and its priorities. For example, in my own country, we need more railways to connect cities together, because a lot of workers have to travel to a big city near them for work, so it will save them a lot of time and also reduce the traffic in cities rush hours and saves tons of money for them.  
  
In conclusion, two point of views plus my own comments about whether it is important to connect cities to each other with faster vehicles or to spend money on the transportation we already have and extend it, are presented in this essay. I believe that it depends on each country plan of development to select which plan is more suitable for them.  
  
(337 Words)
There is evidence that inhaling cigarette smoke causes health problems not only for smokers but for non-smokers who inhale other peoples smoke.  
In view of this, smoking should be banned in all public places, even though this would restrict some people's freedom of action.  
What are your views?  
Give reasons for your answers and include any examples. Write at least 250 words.  
  
## **Smoking ban in public places**

  
  
The fact that smoke from cigarette not only harms the respiratory system of smokers but also that of passive smokers, leading to a suggestion of smoking ban in publicly used areas. While some people see this ban as restriction of freedom of action, I do not share the same point of view and in this essay, I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion.  
  
To begin with, it is noted that prohibiting smoking is only applicable to the public area, but not any of the private place, such as bars and restaurants, as these places are privately managed by its executives. If this law had implemented, people who wish to smoke can still have the rights to do so, and thus, not impeding their liberty.  
  
Apart from that, undeniably, smokers have fewer places to choose for taking the tobacco. Yet, the rule on smoking is in fact concerning a greater issue: the well-being of most citizens. Health issues have always been the worldwide matter, but this requires actions from everyone. It seems to me that it is worthwhile to sacrifice or limit a small portion of people's choices on where to smoke, maintaining the health of most of our valued citizens.  
  
To conclude, making smoking in the open areas illegal would be a smart decision when we put the healthiness of the majority into our first priority, because smokers contribute only a small part of our population, and these people can still smoke in other personal sites. The lawmakers should also understand that protecting people's health is far more important than fulfilling the will of a small percentage of people.  
  
(274 words)
restriction of freedom of action  
reword this. For example: *"...limits freedom"*  
  
I will be presenting information that will help to support my opinion  
it is always a good idea to write a blueprint. Just, in a few words, mention the reasons why you have this particular opinion. This way you can connect the introduction to the body and the reader will know what he/she is going to read.  
  
~~the~~ public ~~area~~places  
such as bars and restaurants  
these are not private places? are they?  
  
as these places are privately managed by its executives  
No, this sentence is irrational. You cannot name such places as "private" places. They are private businesses, but still public.  
  
managed by ~~its~~ theirexecutives  
Good job.
Lee, I have an opposing point of view from the poster above when it comes to the consideration of your essay discussion. For me, you have discussed the topic in an uncommon way, which shows logic and reasoning on your part. The fact that you found a loophole in the "public" smoking places such as "privately owned" bars and other areas, shows that you know the laws of your land and how it applies to people. Of course a bar, though public in its service, is privately owned and as such, can mandate their own rules when it comes to the smoking ban. Although, their rules will have to be based on the national law. Good job! I would score you highly on your TA section for this test. You were able to argue the essay from a new angle not done before at this forum and perhaps, in the actual test.  
  
The only problem that I see with your discussion, is the way you paraphrased the original prompt. Since there is a 3 sentence minimum requirement per paragraph, your opening paraphrase did not fulfill that instruction. Your last sentence should have been separated into 2 because you presented 2 different ideas within a single sentence. Your point of view is one sentence, the discussion method, is another independent sentence. That way, the run-on sentence could have been avoided and the sentence requirement would have been met.  
  
As for the concluding statement, this is only meant to recap the discussion in order to remind the reader of the preceding information. What you did was continue the discussion in the closing part. That means, you are not closing the essay. Just saying "to conclude" but without summarizing the previous information doesn't signify a closed discussion. This is an open ended essay waiting for the proper concluding statement.