dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Duc, I have comments for your introduction part:  
  
You started by stating a knowledge which is not common to the public: "2 out of 3 critical pillars". It would be better if this sentence mentioned some general ideas. Or you might need to revise this to be something like"Together with society, environment and economy are 2 out of 3 critical pillars..."  
  
I also suggest that your second sentence should be edited: "Some people believe that there is a chance for the coexistence of economic success and environment protection, but others disagree."
## working days in a week, and hours in a day

  
  
The article states that working normally people works in 5 days. It is planned that 8 hours in a day and totally 40 hours per week. It will be beneficial that arrangement in these hours like 10 hours a day and totally 4 days per week for 3 reasons. However speaker explains that working 4 day in a week is not usefull in terms of author's reasons.  
  
First reading states that it is beneficial for business in terms of costs and savings. The author supports this idea by explaining cost of gas , vehicle expenditures. The speaker refutes this point. He states that these expenditures are not enough crucial for saving. He demonstrates the calculation of gas consumption. Approximately , 30 miles in a day becomes 150 miles in a week. Cost of this mile's is just 15 USD. This is not a huge saving and reason of this changing.  
  
Second , the article claims that working 4 day in a week reasons to lower operational costs for companies. Fixed expenses like lighting, air condition will be lower. However the speaker says that it is a misguided situation. Fixed expenditures may decrease but it will be the reason of %20 business losting. Most potential customers who are going to work in one day will be lost.  
  
Third ,the reading claims that spending one more day with familiy send back more work power to companies. Unlike this opinioun speaker explains that working 10 hours a day will be worse for family. Children will can see less their parents and it will conclude more stressfull for employers.
@Fahri Where is the copy of the original article that you read in order to write this essay? I need it as a reference point. I have no idea how to judge the adequacy or inadequacy of your given discussion without it. The immediate problem that I saw with your essay has to do with spelling. While you know how to use the terms properly in English, you are not spelling it correctly. And example of this is the word "usefull", the correct spelling is "useful". Your lexical resource score will suffer due to these types of spelling errors. You need to make sure that you not only know the meaning of the word and how to use it properly in a sentence, but also, that you know how to spell the word. By ensuring an accurate word usage and spelling, you will get a higher LR score for your essay. While your grammar is definitely imperfect throughout the essay, allowances can be made for it provided the paragraphs make sense in a related way to the given discussion or summary of the article. Again, the missing article reference really makes it difficult to assess your work. It seems to be alright, but I can't be sure. Please make sure to post the article or link to the article with the next essay that you write for this particular exercise. Thanks.
**Task 2: Some people believe that success in life depends on hard work and determination, while others believe that other factors like money and personal appearance are important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
*MY ESSAY:*  
  
## to reach success in life

  
  
There are different views about factors leading to individual's achievements. While it is believed that the key role of material wealth and appearance, I hold a firm belief that there is no success without diligence and persistence.  
  
On the one hand, it leaves no doubt that wealth and beauty are of paramount importance to achieve successfully. The first reason to support it is that because social members in affluent families are probable to have reliable foundation for their development. This helps them to make success more simply . Moreover, with regard to those equipped with abundant financial health, they have numerous chances to be furnished with a much more high-quality education. Therefore, they are likely to acquire enough knowledge to launch their business. Secondly, in terms of physical appearance, it is indisputable fact that an overwhelming initial impression of external image plays a crucial role in certain domains such as fashion, entertainment, model...Indeed, a lot of people are ready to waste vast of money to own the beauty and physical attractiveness. The more alluring a singer or a model is, the more attention they draw from audiences and the greater opportunities they gain.  
  
Despite the personal finance and look's substantial contribution to people's achievements, the likelihood is that determination and perservance hold the keys to door of the success for several following grounds. To begin with, this means while the value of money and personal appearance are possible to not endure in the long run, only assiduity allow the general public's lasting prosperity. This has been proved in some cases when many famous artists are capable to receive invitations to cast chances with ease, however, they will be likely to face the high risk of being rejected if they do not expose both their great potentials and persistent improvements to maintain their reputation. In addition to the first reason, it is widely acknowledged that the people always highly appreciate assiduous workers regardless of their backgrounds or external defects  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that people are industrious and determined are more possible to reach success in their life; howerver, outward appearance could be one of the most vital aspects leading successful life.
Hello Hùng,  
  
I think:  
  
In your introduction, when you paraphrase, you need to make sure that all aspects of the original are reflect in your version. Therefore, your presentation should have looked like the one below:  
  
*How can i success in my life?. People always try to finger out the best solution for this question because success is the most important in life. Therefore, There are different views about factors leading to individual's achievements. While it is believed that the key role of material wealth and appearance, I hold a firm belief that there is no success without diligence and persistence.*  
  
In your second paragraph, i think it is very smooth because you showed the importance of money and personal appearance in order so people easy to understand.But in the third paragraph why didn't you present like the second? I think if you do like that it will be better.  
  
I hope it can help you.  
  
Minh Phuc
Nemo, please disregard the example opening statement that Phuc gave you as an example. While he meant well and did his best to imitate the way that I give examples for the opening statement, his example is very much wrong. When he posed a question at the start of the essay, he immediately created a prompt deviation which altered the whole original prompt discussion. If you do that, your essay will immediately fail because you are not discussing the correct prompt instructions. Rather than his example, note the one I am providing below instead because this is the correct version of the proper prompt requirement:  
  
*There is a group of people that have the belief that the individual success of a person is determined by his hard work and determination in life. Others believe that money and personal appearance, among other reasons, are more important indicators of the success of a person. In this essay, I will be discussing both points of view and offering a personal opinion that will reflect my belief in relation to this discussion topic.*  
  
The opening statement must never be more than a direct to the point personal interpretation of the given topic for discussion and the discussion instruction for the essay. Covering at least 3 sentences, this is the most pivotal part of the essay because once you make a mistake in the interpretation of the prompt instruction, the essay will not have a chance to pass, regardless of the strong discussion that you present because it will not be in accordance with the expected discussion criteria.  
  
Your body paragraphs are too busy giving out too much partial information for it to be considered a coherent and cohesive discussion. Limit yourself to one topic per paragraph. So that means, the format is:  
  
1. Paraphrase  
2. Point of view 1 with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)  
2. Point of view 2 with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)  
3. Personal point of view with supporting information (max. 5 sentences)  
4. Concluding statement  
  
Do not write less than 3 sentences per paragraph in order to meet the fully developed paragraph requirement of the essay. For the conclusion, just repeat the discussion topic (in a different manner), the most important points of the 3 paragraphs, and then close the essay with a closing sentence. Do not say "It seems to me...". Rather say "In conclusion, the different criteria for determining the success of a person in life..." That is the more appropriate way to start closing the essay discussion.
**Task 2: Leaders and directors in an organisation are normally older people. Some people think younger leaders would be better. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## Old leaders vs young leaders

  
  
Choosing a suitable leader is of paramount importance regarding the progression of a company. From my perspective, despite some outstanding qualities that young people may possess, the aged members are more qualified to hold managerial positions.  
  
On the one hand, young individuals can be good leaders for some reasons. Firstly, young people are likely to be physically stronger, therefore, they can handle a heavy workload and responsibilities. This might be a key selection criterion for crucial positions in an organisation, because being a leader requires people to deal with intense schedules under great pressure. Secondly, younger people tend to be more creative at work. They, as a result, can come up with extraordinary ideas or initiatives which may lead to fruitful results for the company in the future.  
  
On the other hand, there are some compelling reasons why elderly people can be superior candidates to younger members for high positions in an organisation. As old people have worked for many years, they have accumulated not only much more work experience but also deeper understanding about the entrepreneurial culture of the company they work for than the younger members. This, therefore, may allow them to find optimal solutions when it comes to pivotal decision point. Additionally, senior people may exert greater influence on other members in the company because people tend to pay their respects to the elderly. Compared to the young, old people can obviously have a more powerful voice, hence running the business more efficiently.  
  
In conclusion, better state of health and a sense of creativity may make youngsters good leaders, however, I am still convinced that these important positions should be given to old people who possess more experience and influential voice.
@Fiar the essay has a specific discussion instruction. You are to simply agree or disagree with the statement provided. It is not a compare and contrast, discuss both points of view and your personal opinion, or any other discussion format. It requires you to discuss your point of view based upon one line of reasoning only. That line of reasoning is what you should defend clearly throughout the 3 body paragraphs. Your discussion is not in accordance with the prompt requirement and as such, would garner a score no higher than 2 in my opinion. The mistake you made is very basic, you did not properly discuss the essay and as such, failed to fulfill the task requirements in the manner indicated. Due to that mistake, the whole essay failed the test. You need to be able to tell the difference between the different types of essay instructions that are used in a Task 2 essay. The minute that you do not properly represent the prompt requirements, by creating a prompt deviation, the whole essay will no longer be considered based on the remaining criteria. When you prove that you cannot understand simple English instructions, as seen in this essay that you created, the examiner will know that you are not ready to study in an all English environment yet.
Air traffic is increasingly more noise, pollution, and airport construction. One reason for this is the growth in low-cost passenger flights, often to holiday destinations. Some people say that government should try to reduce air traffic by taxing more heavily. **Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## how to slim the number of air traffic?

  
  
In these days and age, the plane becomes more and more important transportation, especially to visit some far places of interest. In contrast, this obviously increases the air traffic. It is disagreed that increasing tax is a wise way to decline the air traffic without considering other aspects. The reasons why would be explained in this essay.  
  
Firstly, the arrival of domestic and non-domestic tourists would certainly incline the income of host country for developing tourism area and maintaining the facilities. For example, developing country such as Indonesia has the majority of holiday destinations getting benefits related to expand the beautiful-tourism places in the remote area through the appropriate-entrance cost of tourists. Secondly, it might be restricting those who have middle-income to access air transportation system when trying to visit long distance regions for an affordable price. Therefore, there is no equal chance to use airplane regarded as the efficient-luxurious transportation system.  
  
It is true that those who argue to raise tax higher as the solution to decrease the amount of air traffic. However, this tends to resist the active mobility of people gaining the productive time if they go to the faraway destinations in short time and reachable price.  
  
To sum up, it appears that the number of air traffic could be avoided by putting tax up, despite the possible effects. Nevertheless, we have to pay attention more for the reveneu of country and the efficient-accessible transportation system such plane.
Yulia, this is not a very good essay. I believe it would have a difficult time getting a passing score because of the way that you developed it. For starters, the opening paragraph has a tremendous problem. You did not state that you are the person who is disagreeing with the statement. You said that "It is disagreed" without actually stating who is disagreeing. In this instance, the essay is asking for your opinion, in the form of agreeing or disagreeing with the statement. Since you did not state that opinion in the opening statement, you changed the whole discussion for the essay. Which resulted in a different prompt discussion instruction being presented. The TA portion of the essay will not get a passing score and in the process, the whole essay will fail. In the essay, you should be taking ownership of the discussion by representing your beliefs and opinions regarding the statement. Use ownership words like "I believe, I am of the opinion, My point of view, I expect that" and other ownership phrases that will enhance your personal opinion in the essay. The way this is written, it will not score higher than a 2 because it barely responds to the task.
Hi Patrick, I think you have written an essay that can get a 4 in this instance. You present some very good discussions regarding reasons that one should be skeptical of scientific theories. However, the samples that you give have some inconsistencies. Take for example, the part of the essay where you mentioned Global Warming. After you mentioned it, there was no development of that idea in the discussion. You said they claimed that there was no such thing as settled science. Rather than building on the Global Warming scientific theory, you immediately moved on to various other examples in the hopes of being able to impress the examiner with your knowledge of the topic, rather than your competence in the discussion of the topic.  
  
Since the GRE requires that you look for the loopholes in your own discussion and then offer explanations as to why those loopholes are wrong or should not exist, it would be better if you focus on developing only one example per paragraph in relation to a chosen discussion presentation on your part. The GRE exam looks at your ability to analyze a given statement on an extremely deeper level than average. The analysis you presented became shallow in that aspect because you tried to discuss too much information in it. By the way, it would be beneficial for your essay if you refer to more recent scientific theories such as those proposed by Stephen Hawking and say, Elon Musk. That way, you show that you have a knowledge of the most current scientific discussions in relation to the prompt statement. It offers an opportunity for a higher score. There were a few problem sentences in your essay:  
  
although a health dose  
- ... HEALTHY dose  
  
it was Einstein who eventually that time and speed are relative  
- What did Einstein do? Points deduction due to an incomplete sentence and thought process.  
  
BTW, don't start an academic discussion with "And". That is a connecting word that, when placed at the start of the sentence makes the statement grammatically inaccurate as it does not connect one discussion to the next. The previous discussion ended with a period and therefore, cannot connect to the next sentence.
Whoah Johnny! The essay that you wrote is not one that is easy to keep track of discussion wise and doesn't properly address the prompt requirement either. The instruction was for you to agree or disagree with the statement provided. As I read your essay, what became clear is that your essay was discussing a prompt that you created in relation to your opinion regarding the given statement. That shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirement and, while the line of reasoning can still be used for the original prompt, the problem, is that you showed a lack of English comprehension skills in terms of being able to follow given instructions. You must only discuss an essay in the manner dictated by the original instructions. So your last sentence in your opening paragraph should have reflected an agreement with the given statement before you launched into the relevant discussion that you created.  
  
By the way, your body paragraphs should never be longer than 5 sentences long. In the actual test setting, you will have only 30 minutes to complete this task. Which means you only have 10 minutes to outline your essay, another 10 minutes to draft, and another 10 to finalize. Bearing in mind the steps required for the writing process, you will not have enough time to write this many words during the actual test. Practice developing only one reason per paragraph. That means, the topic sentence is at the start and then the rest of the paragraphs are the supporting reasons. Don't go beyond 5 sentences each. Learn to create cohesive and coherent paragraphs. That is what your presentation lacks at the moment.  
  
As for the discussion you provided, you decided to get all technical in your presentation when a simple representation of your personal experience and reasons in relation to the given topic would have been the best way to defend your stance. In the TOEFL essay, more weight is given to exam takers who can use personal experiences in their presentation because this shows a deeper understanding of the prompt requirements and allows the students to better express themselves in English.  
  
Keep the paragraphs short but informative. Use personal statements whenever possible. Those are some of the key traits you have to develop if you want to gain a better final TOEFL score.
**The diagram illustrates the process that is used to manufacture bricks for the building industry.**  
  
## Process of making bricks

  
  
The illustration describes the process in which bricks are made for constructing purposes. As can be seen from the diagram, there are seven steps in total, beginning with collecting clay and finishing with delivering the products.  
  
In the first place, clay is dug by a digger, then cut into smaller pieces by a metal grid and moved on a roller. The initial product is mixed with sand and water after that. In the next stage, the combination is shaped into brick form either by a wire cutter or a mould.  
  
The fourth step is hardening the original bricks using a drying oven during a period of 24 to 48 hours. Next, these products experience extreme heat ranging between 200 Celsius degrees and 1300 Celsius degrees in the kiln before penetrating the cooling process in the chamber for 2 to 3 days. After that, packaging takes place and the well - done bricks are eventually transferred on a truck.  
  
*
Tran, your paragraphs are too short to be fully analytical of the procedure illustrated. You must use fully developed explanatory paragraphs for this essay. Rather than trying to explain to you what the mistakes are in your essay, I will show you a better developed version of this essay instead. That way you can learn better based upon the example I will be providing. Here is the example for you:  
  
*The graphic illustration describes the 7 steps involved in the creation of bricks. The illustration also depicts the two methods by which the clay mixture is shaped into bricks. This essay will detail the seven steps required to create the brick mixture and also discuss the two options for brick creation.  
  
The first step in the process requires that the clay be dug from the ground. A roller is then used to break down the clay into smaller pieces using a metal grid. This initial product is then mixed with sand and water.  
  
The next step requires the clay, sand, and water mixture to be shaped into bricks. There are two methods by which this can be performed. The first is by  
  
using a brick block mould. This block is then cut into brick shapes using a wire cutter. The second method, is by pouring the solution into individual brick moulds. Regardless of which procedure is used, the end result is the same, a brick which is ready for the final stages of production is created.  
  
The bricks are then baked in a drying oven for 24-48 hours. It is baked at a heat measurement of 200 degrees Celsius before it is transferred to a 1300 degree Celsius kiln. From there, the bricks move to a cooling chamber where it dries out within 2-3 days. After the cooling process, the brick is then packed and transferred to a truck for delivery.*  
  
Note the precise details in my example and the combination of simple to complex sentences that were used in the body of paragraphs. That is what you should aim for in your next practice test. The example above is a level 9 Task 1 essay.