dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Ainur, dial it back a bit. Are you writing a practice essay for TOEFL or are you just writing for the practice of it. You should have told us what this essay is meant for. That way I would know how to properly assess your essay. Different essay requirements require different analysis. A TOEFL essay is different from IELTS, which is different from a research paper, which is different from a narrative essay, and the list goes on and on. So right now, I am blind, so to speak, when it comes to assessing your current work.  
  
It is highly informative and really delivers some pretty interesting points of view coming out of your end. However, I sense that some information comes from quoted text, which means it should have in-text citations in the presentation otherwise it will be considered plagiarism on the part of the writer. This is a solid essay but I am not sure if it in the proper format that it was developed for. I suggest that the next time you write an extended essay such as this, that you provide us with definite instructions so we can review your essay on a better scale. I need to know the exam type and the prompt included for English tests or the assignment instructions for research papers and academic class essays.
## the value of an animal

  
  
Some people think highly of protecting all wild animals,while others do not consider it in that way---they take it seriously that part of them should be protected.  
  
Some of them claim that all wild animals should be protected.First of all,every kind of animals has their lives like human beings and the lives are meaningful.Secondly,the whole animals constitute our nature environment which we vastly depend on. We will go nowhere without nature environment .Perhaps, we would lose all resources such as water,oil,electricity and so on which we must use every single day.Thirdly,in nature ,there always have rules---food chain.It means every animal have their stationary foods that can not change.If one kind of animals is extinct ,the other animal which feed on them definitely go to death.All wild animals would disappear when that happens.Then human beings probably would not exist.  
  
Others brlieve it in different way.Usually,our country do not have enough money to support to all wild animals .Therefore ,we have no choice to prevent part of them from dangerous.Moreover,part of them are born with so strong vitality that they can protect by themselves.Besides that ,they have plenty of companions which means they are far from extinction.What's more important ,in normal cases,we do invest much money in protecting them,but the outcome is inefficient.Some animals are still go to death with no surprise.  
  
To sum up ,every kind of animals has their own value to exist,but protecting all wild animals is not a wise choice for me.All we need to do is to value some of them being important.
@zrq  
Hi. I am not certain who the target audiences of this essay are for me to comment specifically. However, here are my thoughts. Personally, I found this very repetitive, perhaps because of the sentence structure, such as "Some people do x, some people do y." You should vary your sentence structure and start with a proper introduction that is not vague. I would usually ask,"Some people who? Say what? How can you prove it? Why should I care?" This would generally help with forming arguments.  
  
For proper body paragraphs, it would help to have some facts to strengthen your claim instead of generalised, vague arguments such as animals also have meaningful lives. There are ways one can refute that by claiming that human beings are the only ones with a specific conscience that seek meaning, contemplate existence and death, and have notions of morality. Therefore, no, animals do not have "meaningful" lives. However, there are other ways to consider why we should protect animal rights.  
  
Or when you say that we would lose natural resources like electricity, water, oil... What does this have to do with animals? How are you relating your points? I would suggest you take a little longer research and outline specific points with evidence and warrant to support your claim.  
  
As for grammar, spelling, and register, please use Word or some free app that helps you eliminate glaring errors. All the best.
Zhou, as far as this essay is concerned, I cannot review it for applicable content due to the missing prompt. You are required to always post the prompt along with your response. Without that, all you can get from me is a generalized comment as to your format and development issues.  
  
The first problem of your essay is connected to the missing prompt requirement. You offer a one liner as your opening statement. Definitely the best way to fail this test. You must offer up a concrete restatement of the prompt / topic for discussion as provided to you. This means, you need to convince the examiner that you really understood what the discussion is about and how you are to discuss it. Accomplish this in at least 3 sentences, as most opening statements normally require only that number of sentences to get the summary across.  
  
Next, you group together 3 discussion topics in one paragraph. Another major failure on the part of the writer. The Cohesiveness and Coherence of your essay depends upon your ability to form complete paragraphs based on single topics per paragraph. Right now, you have given us an overview of reasons but you have not fully explained these reasons to the reader so these reasons become invalid. Without a proper paragraph presentation for each one, you are not capable of fully justifying each reference that you have made. That is why the paragraph ruling is in place for this test.  
  
Your conclusion is still short by one sentence to meet the appropriate minimum requirement. You need to practice summarizing your essay discussions for your closing paragraph. The requirement for the closing paragraph is the same as the opening statement only with the addition of the discussion points this time around.
**ADVERTISING INFLUENCES PEOPLE TO BUY THINGS SUCH AS CLOTHES AND SHOES. WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS CAUSED BY THAT? WHAT SOLUTIONS CAN BE GIVEN?**  
  
It is true that manipulating broadcasting to promote advertisements about clothes, fashion is a prevailing trend in many developing countries. There are a variety of possible reasons for this, but steps can definitely be taken to tackle the problem.  
  
In my opinion, two main factors are to blame for the way people expend money on shopping garments. Firstly, the globalization process presents people to be benefical to humans being. For example, consumers can be quickly revised all the demands throughout the advertisements, so that they are easily effected by many gorgeous photos-retouching from companies. Additionally, some publicities encourage scale of inferior products to confuse the buyers. Therefore, there are many window-shopping accidents when people do not receive what they have ordered.  
  
There are several actions that could be taken to eradicate the problems described above. Media companies need to produce the high-quality advertising to heighten awareness off consumers. And the most obvious solution is for the adults and all the parents is to provide their children with accurate information about financial management then they could buy only necessary things.  
  
In conclusion, several factors have led to undermine social values, but measures are available to tackle this problem.
@hanhhnhii since this is a task 2 essay, the opening statement is reserved for the opening paraphrase. It is not to be used for the immediate discussion of the essay topic. You need to first, introduce the reader to the topic and the discussion instructions because the assumption is that the reader has no access to the original prompt requirement and as such, you will need to explain it in your own words for their understanding. The paraphrase is:  
  
*People are often motivated to buy consumer goods through advertising. This presents some problems for the buyers. This essay will present some of the problems that the persuasive advertisements pose for the consumers. After which, suggestions as to how to avoid or solve these problems will be given.*  
  
Since your opinion is not being asked for in the original prompt, you should not kick off the body of paragraphs with "In my opinion". Use only public references in the discussion as that is what is required in this essay. If your opinion were needed, the original prompt would have said so.  
  
All of your discussions only present a reason and an example, but no supporting statements to strengthen the claims in the paragraph. This is because you are using the 2 reason discussion instead of the more appropriate single reason presentation. Thus, your C&C score will be tremendously low.  
  
Your essay should have at least 4 fully developed paragraphs, including the conclusion which summarizes the discussion. Your concluding statement should be at least 3 sentences long. You have 1 extremely short presentation, this will cause points deductions in your GRA and C&C scores.
- TASK 2-  
*Write about the following topic: "the internet has dramatically altered our lives over the past few decades. Althought some of these changes have been negative, the overall effect of this technology has been positive"*  
  
## How internet affects people?

  
  
WHat are your opinions on this?  
Nowadays, We are getting used to using the internet all the time where there are plenty of interesting websites that attract us. We spend all our time on the internet instead of being focusing on the real life . It is clearly seen that the Internet brings to us many benefits but it also have negative influences for our daily life .|  
  
Firstly, In the internet, we have lots of information to improve for work or study. We will save time because you can search whatever you want that dont need to find it in thick books or have someone else help us. Secondly, it is too easy for us to access online lessons so it helps to impulse our seft- learning. Through it , we also save our money. Besides, when we feel so trouble, we can use internet like the way to reduce our stresses in daily life.  
  
By constract, internet makes our life so lonely and isolate. We take too much time playing facebook and game so we cant have time to communicate to family and friends . it makes us more unprecedented and shy when we have to talk to someone in daily life. Internet is just so comfortable for us when we have a friend who are studying oversea or being bussiness in another country and your ralatives who is so far to us.  
  
By the way of conclusion, I only need to access to internet when it is really necessary . you should take more your time to share with and talk to people who around you. The less you use internet, the more you feel happy in life.
Huong, I think that you have to consider more about grammar and writing. I am not a grammar master, but some phrase feel odd to me and not formal such as : *by contrast, by the way of conclusion, take more your time.*  
  
Also, you should more embrace your inclination of opinion. If you on more positive side, you could weighing more to it in last paragraph.  
Your current last paragraph was concluding but it was not flowing from prior writing
@Huonglypham since this is the first time you have written a task 2 essay, I can understand how and why you made these mistakes in your writing. The first thing you have to learn is that the essay requires you to represent what you understood of the provided discussion by presenting the original prompt in your own words in the first paragraph. This is called a paraphrase and the score for this section is tied in to your Task Accuracy score. The one thing you cannot do is discuss the essay immediately in this paragraph like you did now. This should have looked as follows:  
  
*The past ten years have allowed the internet to seriously change the way people live. These changes have not always been positive but people still consider the effects of the internet as more of an asset than a liability. In this essay, I will be discussing my own point of view regarding the effect of the internet on the lives of people.*  
  
With regards to the body paragraphs, you really need to learn how to discuss only one topic per paragraph because you will be scored heavily on the Coherence and Cohesiveness of your paragraph presentation. You should be able to defend each reason that you provide (within one paragraph each for a total of 3 paragraphs) completely within 5 sentences. That is why you cannot more than one reason in each section. That is why your essay became hard to understand and follow as well. Added to the problem is that fact that you did not really state an opinion of your own in the first paragraph. So there is a missing "ownership" in the discussion. As such, rather than an opinion paper focusing on one discussion, you developed a comparative essay. So you ended up changing the prompt discussion. When something like that happens, the tendency of the examiner will be automatically fail your essay.  
  
Here's what you can do to help yourself improve in writing the task 2 essay. Read the work of the other students here. They have all received advice as to how to improve their discussions and presentations so I am sure that you will learn from their threads. You can apply what you learn from them in your succeeding essays.
Hi Behzab,  
  
Following is my critique of your essay:  
  
Your essay is replete with subject-verb disagreement errors. Please use a grammatical software to make corrections. An example of this is following-  
  
*Numerous non-profit organizations exist that people can financially support ~~them~~ through donating*-  
  
*... to settle and ~~has~~-have a hard time*  
  
All the best!
Behzab, your discussion is faulty from the very beginning because you have chosen to represent several charities in your essay instead of only one as required by the prompt. The essay would have actually been better off in presentation if you had chosen one cause, like the need to support a soup kitchen due to people who lack access to food. The soup kitchen is where people can go to have a free meal once a day, which is sometimes the only food that these people get. Then you could have developed your discussion from there. So you could have said *"If I were to support a charity in need it would the Salvation Army food kitchen. The Salvation Army food kitchen provides free food to 150 homeless people a day. They need more donations because..."*. Such a focused presentation, of the name of the charity, the function of the charity, and the reasons that they require the donation is what this essay discussion requires. One charity, several reasons why you want to support them. That is how you approach this type of direct question essay.
***Children are engaged in some kind of paid job  
Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both views and give your opinion.***  
  
## paid job for children: right or wrong

  
  
These days, children work for pay in certain cases. Some people look upon this as wrong by any criterion, while others deem it as worthwhile work experience, key to cultivating a sense of responsibility. In this essay, I will discuss each point of view, and continue with my own opinion.  
  
Those who object to children participating in paid employment make a case that they are not qualified workers in the age of tremendous technological advancement. So many posts are highly professionalized, that there are few left to the poorly educated. Children, unfortunately, are right among the ranks, since they generally do not possess even a high school diploma. It is definitely no good for those not full-fledged to take on demanding tasks. However, this argument is challenged by other people, who believe paid jobs are not necessarily regular or exacting nowadays.  
  
They contend that children can also gain precious work experience when they are paid by neighbors for baby-sitting, feeding pets or shoveling snow. As trivial as these jobs look, they are actually perfect opportunities for boys and girls to improve practical skills, and above all, learn to assume responsibility. Their rewards depend on their performance - if they do not take their assignments seriously, the pay will be embarrassingly low. To avoid the prospect of any financial loss, they will conscientiously fulfill their duty. Indeed, money incentives have their merits in this respect, but I think they do much more harm than good.  
  
In my opinion, children's engagement in financially rewarded work is downright wrong. Mentally undeveloped, boys and girls are prone to taking tangible rewards for grant. If the tendency is followed, they are unlikely to do others a favor unless cash payment is involved. They will thus become mercenary, a serious consequence none will not regret.  
  
Considering all these arguments I have provided, my conclusion is that children should not do any paid job, in spite of its benefits. They simply do not have the capacity for most of positions. More important, they can hardly be generous if they are used to this type of jobs.  
  
**348 words.  
This time, I made corrections on my presentation. Hope it works. I will more appreciate it if you score my essay.**
@LadyOfClockwork  
Hello! I think you started off well, with straightforwardly answering the question. But the essay somewhat loses it when you say "In this essay......" You should tell the reader that what specifically are you going to talk about because "each point of view" is a vague statement. It will vary from person to person. The key here is to be specific and tell readers that what pros and cons will you discuss in the essay. Other than that the essay is good, you've stick to one argument and it is convenient to read.
**Question  
The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat in a European country between 1979 and 2004.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
**My answer**  
The graph compared that the different kinds of fish and meat were consumed in a European country from 1974 to 2004. The total amount of consumption was 570 grams per person per week in 1979. After 25 years, the total amount decreased to approximately 480 grams.  
  
In 1979, beef and lamb were the first and second high level for the consumption of meet, accounting for 230 and 150 grams, respectively. However, the data is shown a downward trend in the period. In 2004, both them decreased around 80 grams and became the second and third kind of meet in total amount.  
  
In this country, each person consumed 140 grams chicken per week in 1979, but the amount gradually increased to 240 grams in 2004 and chicken became the highest level in the total amount. In contrast, fish contributed the lowest amount in the total consumption in 1979 and it still slightly decreased to 40 grams in 2004.  
  
Overall, during this 25 years, the main consumption of meat and fish became chicken which was higher 100 grams than the second level of meat. In addition, fish made the lowest contribution in the whole period.  
  
*
## various reasons for car rides

  
  
Question:  
  
**The bar chart below shows the estimated percentage of car trips taken by drivers in 2005.**  
  
Answer:  
  
The bar chart illustrates approximate percentages of car trips taken by male and female drivers for various reasons in 2005.  
  
Overall, both men and women drove to and from work the most number of times whereas the least number of trips taken by gents were for going to banks and running errands, compared to visiting town by ladies. The maximum difference in the percentage of car outings made by male and female drivers was for work and shopping, accounting for around 10%.  
  
With regards to driving for work purposes, both men and women drove more or less half of the total trips . However, more number of car trips were taken by male drivers for visiting town and recreations, slightly under 10% and just over 10% respectively, whereas female drivers took below 5% of the total trips for both of these purposes.  
  
In contrast, for the remaining occasions more number of car trips were taken by lady drivers. Among the rest of the reasons, women drove the most for shopping, accounting for a little above 15% ,compared to men at exactly 10%. Similar trend was followed for attending courses, running errands, going to the bank and visiting friends which accounted for nearly 1 in 10 of the total trips taken by female drivers, while male drivers took about 1 in 20 with one exception of attending courses which caused male drivers to drive almost 1/10th of the trips.  
  
*   
*Bar Chart*
Hi, for the most part, I was impressed by your report. Here are my suggestions:  
  
drivers for eight various reasons in 2005. {I think it is better to include how many reasons are shown}  
  
taken by gents ... visiting town by ladies. {"gents" is definitely too informal for a report like this, and I believe "ladies" is inappropriate as well}  
  
was for work and shopping, accounting for around 10%. {this seems unclear to me - accounting for 10% of what? Your are saying that in each category, the difference between male and female drivers is 10%, right? }  
  
both men and women drove more or less half of the total trips . {this sounds like men took about half of the work trips and women took about half of the work trips - but that is not what you mean, right? Do you mean for both men and women, work trips accounted for about half of the total trips taken?}  
  
However, a larger number of car trips were taken  
  
... visiting town and recreation, {recreation is uncountable singular}  
  
... below 5% of their total trips  
  
remaining occasions a greater number of car trips  
  
 A similar trend was followed ...
@T J Luschen,  
  
Thank you so much for your valuable feedback. I really thank you a lot for suggesting me better language constructs to use in my writing.  
  
{this seems unclear to me ...}  
  
--- Yes, I meant that in each category, the difference between male and female drivers is 10%. I am really sorry that it the way I wrote the sentence was not clear to you. Could you please suggest me a better way to put this?  
  
{but that is not what you mean, right?}  
  
-- Here I meant that out of the total trips taken by female drivers, 50% were taken for work purposes.  
Also, out of the total trips taken by male drivers, 50% were taken for work purposes.  
  
Could you please suggest me a better way to put this in a sentence?  
  
Thanks again for correcting other grammar mistakes and suggesting better words.
I'm glad my feedback was helpful, you are very welcome.  
  
For your first sentence, maybe:  
  
"The maximum difference in the percentage of car outings made by male and female drivers was for work and shopping, with each category showing a gender differential of around 10%."  
  
I think "differential" is a great word to incorporate in your vocabulary, or at least bring more to the front, as I bet you are already familiar with it.  
  
For your second sentence I might recommend:  
  
"With regards to driving for work purposes, this function represented more or less half of the total trips for both men and women."  
  
But to me this is not really factually accurate, as I would not consider 39% (looking at the bar chart) "more or less half"  
  
so maybe:  
  
"With regards to driving for work purposes, this function represented slightly more than half of the total trips for men, while women lagged somewhat behind at slightly less than 40% of the trips they took in 2005."