dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
SG, this is an improvement over the last direct question practice test but you still have problems when it comes to prompt paraphrasing, sentence development, and paragraph presentations. There is a tendency for you to still present half developed sentences and improperly structured sentences. Let's get started in addressing these problems.  
  
I always tell the students, when you paraphrase, you have to present only information contained in the original prompt. This is so that you can prove that you fully understood the prompt and have the ability to represent the original discussion in your own manner and wording. That does not include introducing information that is not included as a factual presentation in the original. Therefore, opening the essay by saying "Crime issues have been in society..." is improper and should not have been presented. A more appropriate representation would have been:  
  
*The percentage of lawlessness across the globe proves to be greater in metropolitan places rather than in the provincial locations. Some people think that this is because of the higher population in the first area when compared to the second. As such, there may not be enough police around to enforce the law in the urbanized areas. Therefore, additional foot patrols or perhaps, the addition of closed circuit cameras in strategic places can help to prevent illegal activities.*  
  
You don't just present a prompt restatement, you have to expand upon its presentation in an informative manner when creating the opening paragraph in a direct question essay. Once you become comfortable using synonyms in a proper manner, you should be able to create more informative paragraphs using impressive lexical resources.  
  
Try to avoid using word fillers such as additionally, whereas, further, thus, and other similar words. While these are useful in adding to your word count, it does nothing to help enhance your presentation in the paragraph. Be factual and direct to the point. That way you show confidence in your written work. The word fillers are usually used as place holders while you decide upon what you really want to say. That is more acceptable in a casual essay rather than an academic one.  
  
Make sure that your sentences always have a clear subject represented. In the following sentence, the lack of a subject creates an unclear presentation:  
  
*Even if they determined to do so, the national forces would arrest them eventually.*  
  
Who is determined?  
  
The word "thus" is a connecting word and as such, cannot be used to start a sentence. the proper structure for the sentence in question is:  
  
*... reconsider the settlement, thus, less dense areas with a lower population in countryside resulting fewer crimes.*  
  
You are getting better at your logic and reasoning but the presentation is still flawed. More sentence structure practice tests are still in order for you. Don't worry though, you are continuously showing improvement in your work. You will be ready for the actual test soon enough.
@Jimmy879873  
  
dear,  
I m going to clear your concept about linking words like additionally, furthermore, etc  
  
listen dear,  
such linking words mainly one idea to another idea. in this case we should use this in connecting paragraph while we r writing IELTS TASK2.  
  
if we use this in connecting sentences then we can not a develop a paragraph based on one single topic.  
  
hopefully it help u  
  
keep writing :)
**The number of people who commit crimes in the cities are significantly larger than in the country side.**  
  
"Further, surveillance ..." **Furthermore,\***  
  
**Even if they were determined to do so.**  
  
"his systematic design would operate ..." **This statement doesn't make sense because 24 hours is day and night together**  
  
"In which some people faced ...[b]" I didn't really understand this statement.
*Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to reach successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school both views and give your opinion*  
  
## a school degree helps

  
  
There are some who deem that achieving degrees from university are effective way to find out the superior career path. However, there are few who consider that after completing school graduation, people should prefer jobs for better career. In this essay, I will be discussing both the views to come up with my sentiment.  
  
Tertiary education is preferred by some due to professional requirement. This is recommended in particular area, such as physicians, other among profession. As physician, people need further studies; otherwise they cannot work effectively and efficiently. To boost up careers, they have to accomplish the advanced education. For this reason, that studying at university is widely accepted.  
  
However, others argue that school graduates should work to be experienced as it is required in various professions. Such experiences are distinctly valued in job sectors. Evidently, this helps people in particular areas, such accountancy, management, and other among areas. So, people in areas need to gain practical familiarity with relevant subject. It is clear that joining in job after finishing school can be a positive development for individuals.  
  
From my perspective, when experience is valued than study in particulars professions. In this case, I encourage individuals join to the work. Nonetheless, some profession is demand higher degrees. Then I think, people should pursue study to cope up with jobs. Thus, they can make a smooth career for themselves.  
  
To recapitulate, it is evident that degrees from university or college are inevitable to be proficient in specific areas. While work experiences are also needed in the other areas. In this regard, I think, school graduate should go for work, if experience is demanded in their field; otherwise they should pursue further study for the development of career.  
  
*Dear mentors,  
please evaluate my essay and give your precious suggestion to improve my writings.  
thanks in advance for your time and kindness.  
  
I am trying to improve my writing up to the level that secure my band 7.5*
fiZa, I do not think that you can score higher than a 6 with this type of essay. The reason that I scored you within that bracket is because the essay has good topic sentences but you do not know how to properly present your discussion so that your thought process is clear and understandable to the reader. You have clear problems with cohesiveness and coherence in all your sentences because you are always missing a clear topic sentence and, there are times when it seems like you are presenting a sentence from the middle, instead from the start of the thought development presentation. These grammatical and sentence structure errors prevented you from gaining a score that could be higher than a 6. You must constantly practice writing complete English sentences in order to address this problem. Fill in the blanks sentence development exercises will help tremendously towards improving your sentence structure and development predicament. Some examples of your unclear sentence presentations are:  
  
1. Your whole opening statement  
2. . For this reason, that studying at university is widely accepted.  
3. So, people in areas need to gain practical familiarity with relevant subject.  
  
You must focus on learning how to develop simple English sentences first. The problem with your essay always relates to your inability to properly develop sentences and paragraphs that will be understandable to the reader. So you have to focus on grammar exercises and the presentation of your sentences, without using prompt requirements first. You can do this by reading English articles and then just writing what you understand about it. Explain it on paper and have us check it for clarity of presentation. Once you get used to presenting clear explanations, you will be able to properly respond to prompt statements already.
*In some countries, a few people earn extremely high salaries. Some people think this is good for the country, while others believe that the government should control salaries and limit the amount people earn. Discuss both views and give your opinion.*  
  
My essay:  
  
## Unequal Societies: Income Distribution

  
  
In many different countries around the world, The amount of individuals earning extremely high salaries is very little and their are people who believe this is good for the country, other people think that the government should limit the income received by those individuals. This essay will discuss why having few people earn high salaries will benefit society but why having the government intervene will ultimately help the the country.  
  
First, receiving high salaries will give credit to those who work extra hard. Additionally, it will motivate them to produce more and excel in their work area. This will help the economy by creating more jobs and increasing the amount of transactions that happen in a country which will help the GDP of that country to rise. Furthermore, children will be motivated to do better in school because they will try to imitate those hard working people who receive high salaries.  
  
On the other hand, the second group of people who believe that the government should limit the salaries earned believe this for many different reasons. First, this will help to reduce the gap between the rich and the poor which will help to reduce the crime rate in that country. Second, Poverty will decrease because the poor will have a source of income. Third, The needy will have a chance to get an education which will help them get a job and this will have a positive effect on the country because it will have more productive citizens.  
  
To conclude, whether the government should intervene in distributing salaries is a highly controversial issue. Some people believe he should while others including me believe he should because this will help the country.
TOEFL preparation:  
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
Teachers should not make their social or political views known to students in the classroom.  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.  
----------------------  
  
Teachers are the cornerstone of the educational process, and they have a significant influence on their students. Some teachers think that it is appropriate to share their social or political views to students in the classroom. However, In my opinion, it is not recommended for that to happen. I feel this way for a few reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.  
  
First of all, teachers are a role model to students. Therefore, students are constantly vulnerable to teachers point of view. In fact, students are more curious about things outside books, so they can put all their attention to focus on what teachers say. I found this is to be true in my own life when I was in the high school. In the last Egyptian president's election, there was a debate about whose we had to choose! I inclined to choose Mobarek because I thought he is the best fit. However, my teacher started to talk about his political point of view and why we had to elect someone else. Unfortunately, I changed my choice and picked someone else. Later on, I realized that he was corrupted. This example illustrates that teachers influence their students.  
  
Second, a different opinion can lead to problems and sometimes to fight. It looks like weird, but in reality, that can happen. Adam's, my friend, had an experience which is a compelling example of this. Three years ago, his teacher asked him to write an essay about the achievement of the Egyptian's president at that time. The teacher was a big fan of the president, but Adam was not. Consequently, Adam refused to write that essay and said bad words about the president. The teacher tried to stop Adam, but the situation ended in fights. Thus, it is wiser for teachers to avoid talking about any political issues in front of students.  
  
Finally, some social behavior is not appropriate to be mentioned to young people. For example, if a teacher is a smoker and talked about that in the classroom, students will be influenced and can do the same. According to a study carried out by the educational department at Cairo University, 70% of students were more affected by their teacher's behavior than their parents. This study concludes that each teacher should take care of their action in front of students. Therefore, it is prudent to avoid talking about any social views inside schools.  
  
To sum up, I strongly believe that teachers are required not to make their social or political views known to students in the class. The reason for that is to avoid misleading students, problems from happening, and bad behavior influence. Accordingly, when teachers follow this, we can expect an amazing education.  
  
-----  
  
\* I am not sure how to answer like these questions, do I need to choose only one, social or political, or I have to talk baout both?  
  
Thanks in advance
Hi, I think you don't need to make a choice between social and political opinions. They basically refer to the same thing in this context. So your essay is fine in my eyes. But there are a few grammar mistakes I would like to point out.  
  
1. I feel this way for a few reasons: I think "feel this way" is kind of informal. Maybe you can say "hold this opinion" or " I would like to demonstrate my opinion based on the following reasons";  
  
2. there was a debate about ~~whose~~whom we had to choose;  
3. It looks ~~like~~ weird, but in reality, that can happen.  
4. some social behavior**s** **are** not appropriate to be mentioned to young people;  
5. if a teacher is a smoker and ~~talked~~ talk about that in the classroom,
When a choice is given between two topics by the representation of the word "or" , the writer must opt to discuss only one of the two presentations in the essay. It will be best if you opt to discuss the topic that you are most knowledgeable about so that you can easily defend your stance within the 3 body paragraphs covering one fully discussed reason in every paragraph.  
  
There is a difference between the social and political points of view. A social point of view refers to culture and traditions or evolving social beliefs of a country. While a political point of view is just that, all about politics as it relates to the current government handling of social concerns. These social concerns are political in nature as it refers to the wage gap, poverty discussion, employment, government policies and other similar topics. As you can see, the two topics deviate when it comes to topic coverage for discussion which is why you should only pick one or the other to discuss in the essay.  
  
With regards to your work though, even though you discussed both topics in the essay, you represented your reasons strongly. Even the mistakes in grammar did not cause confusion for the reader so I think you could easily score a 4 with this essay. Of course there may be other scoring considerations on the part of the examiner that I may not know about so I scored you on a baseline consideration.
Hi！I'm an graduate student who aim to gain band 8.0 at Ielts exam.  
This is first time I upload my words and ask help for it. I will be really appreciate if you can leave any comments.  
Please kindly help me to evaluate and score it.  
  
**OTT: Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?**  
  
## the duty of bringing up the children

  
  
*Traditional point of view claims that nature grants sacred giving birth duty for only woman so the following children rearing task will be also belong to them and the motherhood must be mainly focused during childhood. In modern society, however, it is agreed with the opinion that the responsibility of paternity in bringing the children up should be increasingly emphasized. This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.  
  
Children live with both parents will develop personality comprehensively. Sweetening, heartiness from mother and bravery, generous from father are the most important elements to shape childen's future characteristic and combine with ecucating process to determine whether when growing up they can become kind people or not. For instance, while housework with mother gives carefulness lesson, sports and outdoor activities which they take with father can not only teach them about enthusiasm but also develop physical. In modern life, however, the single parent now can be responsible for all elements they want their children learn but the ideal model is still both parents.  
  
Sharing child rearing tasks by father is essential in every family. Nowadays, to make sure for a comfortable life and best future for child, almost both parents must enter to work to earn living, which make mother have less time to take care for child and need support from father. Mother takes child go to school in the morning and father picks them up in the afternoon is the particular example to illustrate it. Nevertheless, it doesn't mean in case the financial support completely depends on father, there isn't need it because of upbringing tasks is the best way to strengthen relationships in family.  
  
The responsibility of bringing the children up apparently needs the joint efforts from both mother and father. Although there is still obsolete conception that it is just belong to mother, in the cycle of modern society it is strongly believed that more and more people will recognize and emphasize on fatherhood.*
TRAN, I am very sad that you had a pretty good start to this essay with an almost acceptable prompt paraphrase, then you failed to properly indicate the discussion instruction of the essay. The mistake that you made is so clear, the examiner will be sure to give your TA consideration a failing score. Let me show you where the mistake lies by comparing the original prompt discussion instruction with the discussion instruction that you presented as your thesis statement:  
  
*Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?  
Your Discussion : This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.*  
  
This is to be discussed as an "emotional" essay with only one point of view presented, discussed, and defended in your discussion essay. What you wrote was a comparison essay. Therefore, you have proven that while you understood what the topic is about, you did not understand the discussion instructions, which will result in a total failing score for the essay. You cannot be given a passing score for the rest of the scoring considerations when you did not manage to discuss the topic in the correct manner.  
  
This being your first posting in this forum, I will not score the essay yet but I will tell you that this essay will not pass in an actual setting based upon the situation I presented above, It would be better if your familiarize yourself with the various methods of discussing the prompt instructions by reading the samples here. That should get you on track towards becoming familiar with the discussion types for the Task 2 essay.  
  
By the way, when you present an emotional response, you should either strongly agree / disagree or partially, agree/disagree. Remember you need to pick one side and justify it in the discussion of the essay. If you use the term "partially" then you can discuss the essay in a comparison manner. You have to be specific about the strength of the opinion that you have in order to accurately respond to the prompt requirement.
Mo, are you preparing for an IELTS test? The response essay that you wrote sounds like it. I wish you had provided the original prompt statement as is required of all the students who participate in this forum. That way I would be able to help you improve your work in a specific manner, applicable to the purpose you wrote the essay for. At this moment, I can only give you a general review of your essay based upon format considerations rather than content.  
  
For starters, I can point out that your opening paraphrase may be inconsistent with the original prompt. That is because it does not feel like you are restating the original prompt at all. Instead, it seems like you are beginning the discussion in a manner that does not consider the original prompt presentation. Instead, you are giving an original introduction without actually informing the reviewer about the original prompt information.  
  
All of your paragraphs are composed of more than 5 sentences, which is the maximum allowable per paragraph. That is because you are discussing the information in great and specific detail instead of summarizing your discussion in a manner that will prove your ability to make yourself understood in English using short but completely developed thought presentations in every paragraph.  
  
When you present example information, do not say that you witnessed something when nothing could be further from the truth. The information you presented is based on your father's experience. Therefore, you should say that the reason you are discussing the information is because of your father's experience in a similar scenario. It is not that you witnessed what your father did in as much as you heard about it from your father. So be clear, you did not witness is, you heard about it.  
  
It would be beneficial to your essay if you do not use such specific information such as percentages and including sources of the information. That connotes that you had to do research when completing the paper. You won't have the ability to complete the essay in the testing center in that manner, so you should not get used to doing that during the practice tests. Stick to popular information, your personal experience, or the experience of those around you in order to deliver a strong presentation instead.  
  
Your concluding statement comes in strong, but I am not sure if it delivers all of the necessary summary points, just as I am not sure that your discussion is on point regarding the prompt requirements. Maybe you can include the original prompt when you write your next practice test. I should be able to review that essay in a more relevant manner when that time comes.
Joseph, what exactly is the point of the cause and effect essay? If you don't come up with a proper thesis statement for your opening paragraph, you won't be able to create an interesting paper. What is the cause and what is the effect(s) that will be discussed in the essay? What is your proposed discussion topic? I don't really see the point of this paper. It is just a discussion that keeps going around in circles without really presenting a clear cause or effect. You may want to outline your possible discussion topics before you proceed with the research. Figuring out what you want to discuss first, then working on how to present the discussion will also help you to find more appropriate sources for the essay. At the moment, the single reference you have doesn't have much supporting information and does not really respond to a particular need in the prompt for it to be given a highlight in this paper. Reconsider the topics for discussion, figure out how you want to present it, then outline the paper first. That is the only way you will be able to figure out what the remaining 5 sources should be for your paper.