dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Janaki, the essay is asking you to do a number of things before you present your opinion. That is, to present a comparison discussion of the two opinions first, then discuss your personal opinion on the matter. In this case, you did not make it clear that the opinion being presented is your personal opinion because you did not indicate ownership of the opinion. Remember your first person pronouns? You have to use any of those when referring to the discussion of your personal opinion so that the examiner will know that you are doing exactly that in the paragraph.  
  
In my opinion, the best way to discuss these sorts of essays is always to present the weak argument or the argument that you do not support at the start of the essay. That way, you have the opportunity to strengthen to side of the argument that you do support by indicating the discussion of the opinion first, then discussing your supporting opinion after. Hence the essay gains a logical presentation of arguments and develops an authoritative air in the discussion. You can of course, use your personal style for the discussion if you wish to. It doesn't really matter either way as long as your discussion comes across as clear and with an ownership of your personal opinion in relation to the sides being discussed.
**Information about global population percentages and distribution of wealth by region.**  
  
## population and Global wealth

  
  
The bar graph highlights a population and Global wealth in 8 countries and is measured by percent. Overall, it is immensely clear that the Global wealth describes highest quantity in North America, while India has lowest quantity.  
  
A closer look at, North America explains tallest proportion at Global wealth approximately 30,3%, whereas Global wealth is the lowest around by 2% in India. The second tallest is followed by Europe at 30%. Finally, it is occurred by Rich Asia-Pacefic about 23%. Thereafter, China and other Asia Pacefic show similar proportion at approximately 3%, it is slightly lower by Latin America and Caribean about 4%. At the end, India and Africa illustrate similar level approximately 1%.  
  
On the other hand, China shows largest level at population about 24%, thereafter, other Asia Pacefic and India displaye alike level about 16% whilst Europe is different proportion by 1%. Africa and Latin America and Caribean are quite dissimilar by 2%. At the end, it is followed between North America and Rich Asia Pacefic that are slightly lower by 1% at population.  
  
*
Hasrina, I believe that you have written a very informative summary of the chart that was provided to you for this report. However, the opening summary is not as complete as it should be. The missing element in this opening statement would be the rundown of the countries involved in the study. You should have listed the names of the countries involved in the study at the start in order to create a solid discussion foundation and a complete overview of the information presented. The opening statement would have also been helped if you had presented the information in the opening statement in a manner that produced a minimum of 3 sentences which is the required element of this essay. Remember, it is always a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5 for every paragraph. Those are the only weak points of your work that I saw. When it comes to information presentation, I do not believe that there are any faults and you did a solid job of informing the reader.
Hello Xinyi,  
  
Please find below some feedback for your consideration  
  
1) When describing studies and the results, add any relevant result information. This helps add powerful meaning to the statement.  
E.g: " They concluded that the substantiate of alcohol use in United State is enhance"; \*\*Change enhance to increased, and if possible, by how much? A quantitative value helps drive home the message on how much alcohol use has increased.  
  
2) Grammar; I try not to use feedback to nitpick on grammar. You should seriously consider the flow and word choice used for some of your sentences.  
  
E.g: "They capturing the period of greatest susceptibility to intensifying drinking",  
\*\* Is there a better word than capturing and intensifying? What are you trying to say? (Researchers names) were attempting to observe the time period where susceptibility of alcohol abuse was the highest? Start with individual sentences, ask "What did I get from this sentence", then ask "What did I want to say" and adjust your writing to ensure the answers for those two questions are the same.  
  
Hopefully that helped! Be sure to revise your writing and post it in this thread again! This way we can continually give you feedback on your developing article :)  
  
C
Xinyi, if you are already a college student or a high school interested in writing, your school, college, or university should have a writing center or writing adviser on call to help you better develop the grammar and presentation of your essay. Please take advantage of the writing center or assistance programs at your educational institution in order to properly correct the bad grammar in the essay. Everything from the introduction to the peer review section just makes the head of the reader hurt because you did not even try to use the correct terms or properly develop your thoughts in English before posting this peer review for comments. You seriously need to learn the difference between "exited" and "existed", the latter being the term you actually wanted to use.  
  
The peer review itself causes severe reader fatigue due to the lack of proper formatting of the presentation. Do your best to divide that part into discussion paragraphs in order to make the essay easier to read. More importantly, it will allow the reader to gain a better understanding of your opinion because you will allow them a chance to pause and seriously consider everything you are saying.  
  
Overall, the peer review needs a tremendous amount of work on your part before it can even be considered to be in its early draft stages. I look forward to reading and reviewing your improved peer review whenever you are ready to present it.
IELTS TASK 2  
  
**should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?**  
  
## A slice of big wealth for poor nations

  
  
As the citizens of one's country, being need in food and education is the fundamental things which the government has responsibility for it either the nation is poor or rich. This essay will first discuss which elements should be shared by the wealthy nation and it will address the question of the responsibility of the poor nation.  
  
Rich countries should share their fortune with the poor country, because the people of powerful nations likely to have a prosperity life and it is a heart broken feeling if the well-being country turn their back on the poverty issues faces by developing country. The elements can be shared towards poor nations besides food and education are the economic investment and technology. For example, the Saudi Arabia Government help people in Africa and Afghanistan by facilitate them with electricity.  
  
With regards to the question of the responsible of government on the citizens of the poor nations, i think this is the ordeal responsibilities should be lived in by the certain government. On the other hand, government should manage other ways to approach the problems in order to reduce the number of million people starving over time by coorporate with the United Nations. Furthermore, United Nations will be the referee in leading and connecting rich nations to poor to observe the part that can be helped. For instance, Germany promised to support the education for Syrian refugees by providing them with scholarships.  
  
In conclusion, government of poor nations should look after the pupils themselves, however fortunate nations should give a hand to cut off the percentage of people who living under the poverty line.
by facilitate them with electricity  
by facilitate them with electricity = by facilitating them with electricity.  
  
Should repeated multiple times.  
  
government of poor nations should look after the pupils ~~themselves~~  
  
There are grammatical mistakes in forming sentences.  
  
As the citizens of one's country, being need in food and education is ... = Being a citizen of one's country, food and education are the fundamental necessities. Either the nation is poor or rich, government has the responsibility to fulfill the basic needs.
Your structure is good. On the other hand, you have made many grammar mistakes and I think you should work on that part of your writing.  
  
As the citizens of one's country, being need in food - written like that this sentence doesn't make any sense. You should restructure your whole sentence  
  
.... faces by developing the country  
  
.... by facilitating them with electricity.  
  
....On the other hand, the government should  
  
..... over time by co-operating with the United Nations.  
  
government of poor nations - the governments!
**Topic: Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities that improve the mind, such as reading and doing word puzzles.  
  
Other people feel that it is important to rest the mind during leisure time.**  
  
## time for relax

  
  
In the nonstop developing world nowadays, many people are being stressed out by hectic life, much to the point that barely do they have any leisure time. As the length of time for relax is becoming shorter and shorter, many people argue that we should spend the time doing activities that improve the mind. Meanwhile many people stick to their opinion that leisure time should be used to rest the mind. Personally they both have their points but I think it is better to alternate both usages.  
  
There is no doubt that nowadays if you want to prove yourself to the world you have to invest in your mind as well as your health. Many people understand this fact and they start to make use of their leisure time to improve their mind in order to keep up with the competitive society. It may seem like they are misusing the real purpose of leisure time which is to have fun but actually they are not at all. Activities like reading, doing word puzzles, Sudoku and etc. are not that boring. In contrast, they are pretty fun because they make the brain to work to solve the problem. People will feel very challenging and engaging. Besides, these games are usually made very attractive with beautiful colors, shapes in apps and etc. which provoke people's interest.  
  
However, we do have to accept that mind-improving games can make you use more energy not to mention that you can be exhausted after the time which is supposed to help you relax and release stress. This can lead to serious problem as you may have no more energy left to continue working and your work can be badly affected. Therefore, in my opinion, it is better to alternate both usages which means that you can play mind-improving games in your leisure time but just to a certain extent and don't overwork your brain as it need to get a rest as well.  
  
In conclusion, all play no learn is not good but all learn no play cannot lead to stable success. We all need to find a harmony between them even in our free time.
It's good enough, so I don't have much advice to correct it, but I have some suggestions for you if you want higher score.  
  
1. You should try to write more words. You're essay is just too short and not strong enough.  
  
2. you should use " , " correctly. Use it before a "but" and after a " if" sentence, which you didn't do.  
  
3. In your body paragraph you can employ some personal experiences, survey results or celebraties' anecdotes to help you prove your point.  
  
Hope it will help.
Hello,  
I think the article is nice and you address your statement clearly.  
There are few things I would like to suggest.  
When I read your article, especially paragraph two, I think it is lengthy. It could be better if you can simplify the sentence as as to let the reader understand quickly.  
  
Next, I feel some points of few are digress which might impact on your task accuracy score. For example, the games you mentioned on your body paragraph.  
  
Hope it helps!
Chau, while your essay speaks of valid reasons for resting the mind during leisure time, it fails to take into account that the human brain is constantly analyzing, solving problems, and functioning to keep the whole system of life running our bodies. Therefore, it is important that the brain totally rest in order to allow parts of it to totally rest while the rest of the brain keeps our life systems going. In my opinion, the flaw of your essay is in its line of reasoning that fails to consider the fact that the brain, when made to rest by still doing analytical activities causes headaches, migraines, and other health issues in people. Since you failed to consider the health aspect of the brain itself, the discussion becomes ill advised and shows that the writer does not have a full understanding or ability to consider all aspects of the provided prompt. While you could get an acceptable score for this essay, you could have gotten an even better score if you had done a more serious analysis of the prompt requirements based on mental health issues as well.
Hello Liu!  
  
Hopefully my feedback is helpful for you. I've considered your points and read your essay as a reader who wants to understand why young people don't care about their health.  
  
1) Unnecessary Sentence Roots  
- You seem to use statements at the beginning of your sentences that don't add much meaning (see examples below).  
- Use joining statements (hence, therefore, due to,.... etc.) to join sentences that have a chronological or order-dependent content (e.g: I licked a metal pole in winter. Therefore I now understand why this isn't a good idea)  
  
- Straight to the point. This helps the reader understand your message more clearly. Less fluff is more fun.  
  
Example:  
a. As far as I know, this subject has aroused ...  
\*\* Why do you include this? Straight to the point. You must know these facts if you wrote the essay.  
  
b. To begin with , teenagers today are ...  
\*\*Not needed. Sounds just the same and more straight to the point without this. It'd be better to have your last sentence in the first paragraph introduce the main points, then start your next paragraph with the first item in the list of main points.  
  
2) Condense Writing  
- You have some structure, seen by how you introduce your reasoning in the respective paragraphs.  
- Take out the fluff; straight to the point.  
  
Hopefully that is a starting route for you. I'd recommend that you make those edits, then repost the writing in this thread. We can then give you continual feedback :)  
  
Cheers,  
C
**Write a letter to your friend telling him that you left the coat. Tell him what the coat looks like, where you think you left it and what was inside it. Make some suggestions about how to get it back.**  
  
## i need my valuable coat back

  
  
Dear Stevens,  
  
I reached home today after that stupendous weekend that we have spent at your home. Thank you so much for putting me up.  
  
Unfortunately, I have left my coat at your home and didn't realize about it while leaving from your home. Do you remember the black one that I wore when we went to Multi cuisine restaurant for the lunch on Saturday? It's a memorable gift that was presented to me by my wife at wedding anniversary day. It's black in color with white buttons.  
  
I have kept my wallet in which valuable credit cards and driving license exist. So, it's important for me to get back the coat as soon as possible. I have friend who is passing through your town on office work. He can come and collect the coat from your office location as it is nearest location for his office. Could he please collect it from there. I have given your phone number to him and please be reachable on Thursday morning to collect the coat.  
  
Anyways, Thanks again for a wonderful weekend and look forward to see you soon.  
  
Regards,  
Jaya Krishna
Jaya, if you are going to make up information about the value of the coat, saying you left your wallet in it with valuable identification cards will not work. Mostly because in real life, you will never leave the house without first checking for your wallet. If you did leave the house without it, you will soon realize that you left it and return for it. Just saying that the jacket was a gift from your wife on your wedding anniversary so you have to get it back is already enough of a pivotal reason to get the jacket back. Also, in the part where you discuss the need for the person to be reachable on Thursday, do not say "to collect the coat" as that phrase entails that the person who currently has the coat will have to go and get the coat. Instead say "Please be available on Thursday so my friend can collect the coat from you." Before I forget, the English name is Steven, not Stevens. Stevens is an English last name and not the first name of a person.
## internet in the view on an average citizen

  
  
People have different views about the internet is a good means of connecting people. Others believe that it may not a best place to search information. This essay will discuss both of this view and give my opinion.  
  
On the recent years, internet is very useful for everyone start from children to old people. First of all, internet can connect people in different distance around the world. For example, some people have a long distance married with their husband from Indonesia to Australia, they also can establish a warm communication by video call, email and other social medias. Secondly, internet give some people communication with their boss easily, it can replace the direct meeting and presenting with their boss. Thirdly, internet also find old friends, if some people difficult to meet their lovely friend in senior high school, internet can connect them easily without spend much money and time, because they can chat in everywhere.  
  
In contrast, there are many reasons why internet is not the cozy place to find information. Firstly, many information in internet hoax and give some opinions to hate specific person. For example, on the recent month, there are many pictures about Mr.Ahok with some sentences that he did impolite for Al-Qur'an and then many people as a Muslim angry with this view. Secondly, many information in internet did not have a trusted source. Thirdly, information or news in the internet contain "SARA" and not good for young generations.  
  
In conclusion, I can understand why people suggest that internet is not a best place to find information, it seems to me that internet is danger for young people when they find a wrong information.
Well, I don't know the question, but it probably asks your for your opinion. It is always better to make a clear statement in the Introduction - what is your opinion and wich point of view is better and therefore will support in your essay.  
  
THE internet - you hade made this mistake several times.  
  
everyone start from children to - STARTS  
  
in different distance - in the different  
  
Secondly, internet give some people - gives  
  
nternet also find old friends, if - the internet... finds  
  
without spend much - without spending much  
  
Work on your grammar and especially subject-verb agreement.  
  
I will leave you to try and review your second paragraph alone.
Hello,  
  
I found you list lots reasons to support one statement. I think it would be better if you can illustrate a main idea and use several developed sentences to support it. Otherwise, I think the reasons you addressed are not deep enough.  
  
Next, how about re-writing your conclusion? Since you mentioned that the internet is dangerous to the youth but it is not the main concept in paragraph three. It makes me feel awkward.  
  
Hope it helps!
**Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.**.  
  
## economy vs social issues?

  
  
Nowadays, economy seems to be the most important topic since it involves in very widespread aspects, especially the living standards. But some people state that besides the economy, there are many types of progress worth our attention as well. In my opinion, I believe that all the development are equal important.  
  
Economy is a basic index which how people judge a government. Meanwhile, it is also a symbol of the power of a country. In terms of the salary structure, the minimum wage and the price level, these factors have severe impact on every citizens. That is why the first priority for a government is always the economic progress. For example, it can be easily observed that the economic growth rate in Japan is under 1 % for a long time. The key point of President Abe won the election was he claimed he can revive Japan's weak economic situation.  
  
On the other hand, are others terms of social issues less significant? The answer is no. I believe that a wealth society doesn't represent a well developed country. In addition to the economic progress, the social welfare, the environmental crisis and the education of the young generation are also worthy to notice. These kinds of subjects are valuable because they are closely integrated with people.  
  
In conclusion, I trust a government which awares the economy is not the only beneficial way to its people can create a better future. A future with balanced cares and resources of people's livelihood
Hey Arlen, if your thesis statement claims that all kinds of development are equally important, you should explain why. What you did in this essay was writing a whole paragraph on how economics are important, and in the next paragraph saying the others are important as well, but without reasons.  
  
*These kinds of subjects are valuable because they are closely integrated with people.*  
  
One sentence alone like this is not enough.  
In the next draft, maybe try using one paragraph to elaborate on how all types of development are connected to each other, and another paragraph to list the negative effects of focusing solely on the economy?
You didn't paraphrase the question properly. Of course, it is optional - but it would have been good to do that.  
  
In your 2 paragraph, your ideas are very chaotic - you haven't developed your main point - which should be why the economic is imperative for governments. I got the point from your example, but again it is not clear enough. It is imperative to state your position and develop it.  
  
Your 3 paragraph is OK, but it will be better to restructure it.  
  
Overall, I think you have to better support your main points. You support the second view "other types of progress are equally important for a country." - It was not clear WHY do you support it. There were not enough examples and I could have developed your ideas better.