dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
You should not be using so many casual phrases in this essay. The casual phrases, which remove the academic tone of the discussion are:  
- going solo  
- dawdling outside  
- wee hours  
- solo lifestyle  
  
Since this is a singular opinion essay, you should be focused on proving only the validity of your opinion, which is that it brings more negatives than positives. You are not being asked to compare and contrast, so using that as the discussion format is incorrect. Neither would it be correct to discuss both the positives and negatives since you are being asked to present a single opinion. You also cannot discuss this as an Advantage v Disadvantage essay because that is not the focal point of the discussion. So your response format is incorrect.  
  
You will only be scored for the parts of the essay that support your clear opinion which is that this is a negative development. That means, since you only wrote 264 words, your essay will fall under the minimum word count. You will be lacking a full reasoning paragraph because you did not focus solely on proving your point of view. Therefore, the essay will fail simply because of your incorrect response format based on the discussion requirements.
Hi. Sau đây là một vài suggestions của mình nha ^^:  
  
- ...being hindered or ~~disturbing~~ disturbed  
- the main disadvantage of ... is isolation and loneliness, ở đây có đến 2 uncountable nouns nên mình suggest là two main disadvantages of... **are** ...  
- since ~~people~~ ->humans dùng từ people ở đây nghe có vẻ ko ok lắm với mình  
Btw, bài của bạn có vốn từ rất phong phú.  
Hope my suggestions helpful ^^
Topic: **There is a good deal of evidence that increasing car use is contributing to global warming and having other undesirable effects on people's health and well-being.  
  
What can be done to discourage people from using their cars?**  
  
This is my second essay. I have corrected some mistakes and I hope to recieve some useful advice from you! Thanks a lot!  
Summary: 1. giving prize for using transport  
2. rising tax of car  
3 provide education about the devastating effects of car use to nature.  
(290 words)  
There is a growing belief, based on physical data, that automobile operations has an effect on the population's mindset and fitness. Due to these considerations, it is important to address the way that the public use their autos. Here are some considerable solutions to lessen the gasoline vehicles use.  
  
To begin with, the most efficient solution is to encourage inhabitants to use public transports by giving the peole who most frequently travel by public vehicles some valuable awards. These awards can be a free year using tram, bus... or an eco-friendly vehicle such as bike or electronic motorbike. Obviously, making people feel that they are taking advantage while using public transports is the best way to reduce automobile use.  
  
Another effective solution is to increase the tax of gasoline car while remaining the same tax of electronic vehicles. By dong this proposal, not only can we cut down on the diesel car purchase but we can also promote many people to use public transports and buy eco-friendly vehicle. However, this plan can be objected by many people due to the common desirable car purchase .  
  
Last but not least, widely provide education about the essential of protecting environment is also a simple solution to discourage everyone from using private automobile. In my opinion, apart from some exceptions, nobody want to ruin their habitats if they are taught profoundly about how the car use seriously affects the evironment and as a result, people will naturally cut down on the amount of using car.  
  
All things aforementioned, I have a strong belief that those solutions above will bring a huge amount of benefits to either people's well being or the earth. Giving prize for using public transport is what is needed above all.
@Tracy Tram  
Hi Trâm, (em/ mình là người Việt nên nói tiếng Việt luôn nha ^^)  
  
Em/ mình thấy bài của chị khá ổn, nhưng có một số chỗ dùng từ em/ mình chưa thấy hợp lí lắm. Bạn/ chị check it nha.  
  
-automobile operations ~~has~~ => have  
-award: a prize or a sum of money that a person or organization is given for an achievement. Vì award mang nghĩa là giải thưởng nhiều hơn, nên em/ mình suggest sử dụng từ "offer" nhe.  
  
-do propasal. Em/ mình nghĩa do chỗ này không hợp lí khi đi với proposal, nên em/ mình suggest sử dụng "promoting/ launching proposal"  
  
Bên cạnh đó, dấu "..." cũng kiêng kị trong bài luôn á.  
  
*Comments in an other languages than English will result in suspension.*
Hi! This is my first attempt to write a 5-paragraph discussion essay. I wish to shorten it to 4 paragraphs if possible. Hope to see all comments!  
  
A band score break down will be very helpful too!  
Thank you!  
  
## TASK 2: Children's Discipline

  
  
**TOPIC: Discipline is an ever-increasing problem in modern schools. Some people think that discipline should be the responsibility of teachers, while others think that this is the role of parents.  
  
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.**  
----  
WORD COUNT: 285.  
  
In recent years, the issue of students having a lack of discipline is concerning. Hence, there has been a debate about whether who should be responsible for the practice of the children - parents or teachers. The truth is both parties can make contributions.  
  
On the one hand, fathers and mothers should hold the highest accountability of their children in any case. When the young ones reach the age to attend school, parents can show the children disciplines by helping them to come to class on time, wearing appropriate uniforms, or bringing books and stationaries. It is also the responsibility of the parents to teach their children to a righteous way of socializing and acting accordingly, in this case, to their classmates and teachers.  
  
On the other hand, on weekdays, children spend more active time at school than at home. Therefore, it can be argued that teachers supervise young ones longer than their parents do and can generate a greater impact on a child. Educators can measure the discipline to wider degrees based on direct observation and can make adjustments promptly. For instance, if one kid refuses to come back to class after break time, the teachers can correct this disorderly act.  
  
From my perspective, the discipline of a child extends beyond a school's area and tightly related to home orders as well; his understanding can be very similar at both places. For the best interest of a child, both the parents and teachers should cooperate well.  
  
To conclude, the adults should provide support in their ways to correctly shape the young ones' discipline. I think that parents have the highest obligations to their children, whereas, educators have no less duty to tutor the future generation to good practice.
The last 2 paragraphs seem duplicated and a bit contradicting to each other. The 2nd last paragraph claims it's a jointed effort of parents/teachers while the last paragraph states "parents have the highest obligations". I find it quite confusing to understand the overall standpoint of your whole essay.  
  
Suggest you can combine the last 2 paragraphs to make it a 4-paragraph essay, by simplifying the conclusion by stating the major reasons of why it takes both parents/teachers to shape the youngsters discipline
Its a good writing overall, I don't find any grammar mistakes. However, you may consider to replace these word in order to reach higher band score as this word can be classified as C-level  
  
1. to widerdegrees based >>> to more comprehensive [C1 words]  
2. a greater impact >>> a more significant [B2 words]  
  
I do agree also to use 4 paragraphs rather than five. The fourth paragraph seems categorized as a thesis statement, thus, it can probably moved after the introduction to show your position regarding this issue.  
  
Good Luck.
***Topic: there is a good deal of evidence that increasing car use is contributing to global warming and having undesirable effects on people's health and well being.***  
  
## What can be done to discourage people from using their car?

  
  
Here is my essay, please check it for me. Thanks a lot!  
  
From the very first time of the 20th century, there has been an explosion in the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, which has affected humans being seriuosly and caused many harmful effects on earth such as climate change and global warming. One of the main contributions to the carbon increase is the dramatic rise in using petrol car and fortuantely, this state can totally be reduced to the least. Here are some considerable solutions to lessen the gasoline vehicles use.  
  
To the best of my knowledge, the most efficient solution is to encourage civilians to use public transports as often as they can by giving the peole who most frequently travel by public vehicles some valuable awards. These awards can be a free year using public transports or an eco-friendly vehicle such as bike or electronic motorbike. By deploying this plan, local residents will be more interested in using tram and bus rather than their private cars. Who want to pay for the costly fuel while they can either travel by cheap price or have a chance of winning awards? Obviously, making the local feel that they are taking advantages while using public transports is the best way to reduce car use.  
  
Another effective solution that we have to take into consideration is to increase the tax of gasoline car while remaining the same tax of electronic vehicles. By dong this proposal, not only can we cut down on the diesel car purchase but we can also promote many people to either use public transports or buy eco-friendly vehicles. As a result, the amount of carbon dioxide will decrease sharply and lead to the significant reduction of air pollution. All things analyzed above is to say that rising the diesel transport tax can make enormous contribution to the global warming prevention.  
  
Last but not least, widely provide education about the essential of protecting environment is also a beneficial solution to discourage everyone from using private car. If we have right awareness of how serious the air pollution is, we may naturally lessen our carbon footprint by taking bus or tram instead of gasoline vehicles. In my opinion, apart from some exceptions, nobody want to ruin their habitats if they are taught profoundly about the importance of nature to humans being.  
  
All things aforementioned, I have a strong belief that those solutions above will bring a huge amount of benefits to either people's well being or the earth. It's not too late to take action now.
Hi! Great job on your essay, here is some of my improvements line by line:  
  
- "From the very first time of the 20th century,.." - I get what you're trying to say, but "the very first time" doesn't sound best to use in this context. Maybe try: "From the very BEGINNING of the 20th century"  
  
- "there has been an explosion in the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere,..." - Again, I get what you're trying to say and you might have not wanted to use "increase" as you used it later on, but "explosion" isn't the best fit. Try looking for more synonyms for "increase" using sites like wordhippo.com  
  
- "and **fortuantely**, this state can totally be reduced to the least." - Maybe use BUT instead of AND to show the contrast. Also, the next part of the sentence in RED doesn't make that much grammatical sense. Try something like, "this state can be reduced if we work hard", or something along the lines. The word in BOLD is a spelling error.  
  
- "To the best of my knowledge,..." - use another starter that shows your confidence in your argument.  
  
- "an eco-friendly **vehicles**" - should not be plural: VEHICLE  
  
- " ... using tram and **bus** rather ... Who **want** to pay ... can either **travel by cheap price** or have ... Obviously, making the **local** feel that they are taking **advantages** while ..." - The phrases and words in bold, have grammatical errors that seem out of place when you read the sentence, proof-read your work and read it aloud to find what makes most sense. In most cases you didn't use the plural of the word when you were supposed to.  
  
Great job! Keep working hard! I hope my feedback is useful!
Please indicate what English exam you will be taking the next time you post an essay so that the proper free review criteria can be applied to your essay presentation. Thanks.  
  
Well, regardless of whether this essay was written for a TOEFL or IELTS test, one thing is clear, you have written too many words. While the TOEFL test allows you 30 minutes to write at least 300 words, and the IELTS allows you 250 words within 40 minutes, neither test will allow you to write 417 words in such an imperfect manner. Your errors include spelling errors, grammar and sentence structure errors, along with conciseness, and formality errors in your presentation. All of which you should have been able to review and revise if you had focused on quality of writing rather than length of writing.  
  
Your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate. It does not refer to the original prompt discussion at all. If this was written for a Task 2 essay, you would already have created a scoring problem for your essay. You have changed the discussion topic from the original. This would have been a properly paraphrased essay had you instead said:  
  
*There is a growing belief, based on physical data, that automobile operations has an effect on the population's mindset and fitness. Due to these considerations, it is important to address the way that the public use their autos. I believe that one major way that people can be convinced to not use their private vehicles is by making public transport more efficient.*  
  
Do not offer questions within your presentation. That will alter the content of the essay. If you present a question, you will have to respond to it, which may result in your changing the discussion target of the essay. So it is better if you never pose a rhetorical question within the discussion.  
  
Learn to present your thoughts within the required 3-5 sentences. Keep it short, clear, and coherent. Your essay is solely focused on showing off your vocabulary, which is not the only scoring consideration in any test. Make sure the examiner, regardless of the test, will see that you are capable of saying more with less words. You do not need to over discuss or over present information. You need to be balanced in the presentation, without going overboard with your word count.
***Some people use the Internet to search for solutions to their medical problems. Is it a positive or negative development?  
## Give your own opinion and examples from your experience.***  
  
When suffering from health issues, many people tend to explore on the Internet for possible solutions. However, personally I believe seeking for formal medical advices should be the correct act to do instead.  
  
On the one hand, due to the tremendous amount of free information available in the digital world, many people can now search online for suitable treatments according to the symptoms they are suffering. In some series cases it might be feasible as certain useful solutions can always be found. For example, putting a cold towel on forehead can help in case of fever to certain extent. Some people, therefore, tend to believe Internet information, as long as it is not a medicine intake to the body, can help lessen their symptoms to certain extent.  
  
On the other hand, however, some argue that surfing online for medical advice is very risky because it is inevitable that there would be misleading information in the virtual database. And more importantly, the majority is lack of professional knowledge to decide whether the information is correct or not. Also, if it leads to potential delay in receiving formal treatment, patients might be at risk and resulting in worse long-term consequences to their bodies. So more people agree that online information should not be trusted as official medical advices.  
  
In conclusion, searching for health solutions on the web is not appropriated because there is always fake information online and general public does not equip with the professional knowledge to judge. It is better for patients to seek formal advice from qualified medical staffs to ensure they receive the most suitable treatments.
You failed to properly respond to the prompt question, which was the basis of the total discussion. This ended up changing the discussion slant of the essay, also known as a prompt deviation. So your essay will not be able to get a proper score in the end. The error in your response presentation can be clearly seen in this comparison:  
  
OQ: Is it a positive or negative development?  
YR: personally I believe seeking for formal medical advices should be the correct act to do instead.  
  
You did not respond to the question before you gave your opinion in the response paraphrase. So you basically neglected to properly develop your response paragraphs. Your essay will be seen as having a partially correct response only because of the lack of direct response to the straight question. You were not asked if it was appropriate to search for information on the internet, you were asked if this was a positive or negative development. This was the question you never responded to in the presentation. So your essay could be deemed not responsive to the prompt requirements ( answer is not related to the task).
## football hooliganism issue

  
  
It is true that violent behaviour between supporters are frequently occured in football march. While there are several reasons which can be put forward to explain this change, in this essay, I will suggest some possible solution to this issue.  
  
There are two obvious reasons why football hooliganism become a phenomenon, Firstly, a win-at-all-cost attitude make a significant impact on people's thought and behaviors. Football is no longer a leisure activities for people to relieve stress, it becomes an intense competition among the supporters. Therefore, taking football too seriously can result in violent behaviors. Secondly, some big tournaments happened around the world can become an ideal place for hooliganism since football team represents the whole country to take part in. Furthermore, misunderstanding throughout the march can lead to confusion and angriness between people.  
  
However, there are a number of solutions to deal with this problem. Firstly, the authority of the contest can hire a great deal of securities in order to maintain the peaceful atmosphere during the march. If there are any wrongdoings happen, these people can immediately take control of the situation. Secondly, families and schools should deliver the right messages for students about sport attitude in their upbringing, as playing sport is act as a cause to hooliganism, but is a tool to create an ideal environment for people to strengthen their relationship and improve their health.  
  
In conclusion, although violent behaviours is a problem in football marchs, there are a lot of viable solution to address this issue.
Hi! I have some suggestions for you. Hope this helps:  
+ violent behaviours ~~between~~  among supporters ~~are~~ frequently occurs in football march  
+ can hire ~~a great deal of~~ securities => '"a great deal of" is used for uncountable noun only. You should try other phrase like: many/ plenty of  
  
+ in order to maintain ~~the~~  a peaceful atmosphere ...  
+ in football marches
Since you are not being asked to determine the validity of the given discussion, you do not need to reiterate what you deem to be the truth of the matter. Instead, you should simply restate the topic without offering any personal opinion. Your personal opinion was not required in the restatement so it is not necessary for you to deliver one. Your discussion outline section is also useless as it does not offer direct responses to the given discussion questions. Without the direct responses, your paraphrasing is actually incomplete. When a direct question is asked, offer a direct response in the paraphrase. That is how that paragraph is expected to be formatted in response form.  
  
Only one cause is required in the essay. so you do not need to provide 2 reasons. Always stick to the discussion instruction. Offering a second reason when none is required forced your paragraph to be under presented in terms of a clear explanation and valid reasoning. The paragraph has become under developed in terms of overall scoring considerations. The same goes for your solution paragraph.  
  
Your conclusion must summarize the previous discussion points in 3-5 sentences. You are not really delivering the summary requirements for the conclusion with this presentation.
Topic:  
## Some people claim that not enough of wast from homes is recycled.

  
***They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement.  
To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste?***  
  
Someone says that domestic waste is not recycled well, therefore, authorities should make relevant legislations to ingrain citizens' recycling habit. In my point of view, I wholeheartedly agree that it is the best way to surmount this problem. In this essay, I am going to express two major reasons to support my position.  
  
Firstly, the power of constitution is tremendous. What I mean is that when it comes to laws, everyone is afraid of disobeying it. The main reason is that breaking laws would face troubles ranging from a large amount of fine to detention. People always want to commit a crime, they will lose their liberal and basic human rights. That is why governments have to establish certain recycling laws in order to force individuals to adhere.  
  
Not only just the previous reason, but also that we can set a modal for other countries around the world. We encourage people to discard garbage in different bins because we want to protect our precious Earth. Thus, recycling needs to be done by not only just one country but also everyone who is living in this planet. To achieve this goal, setting laws would be an effective way to show others that recycling is a topical issue that we have to pay attention to. As one country execute this, other nations will follow the same path. Finally, recycling habit is formed in everyone's heart!  
  
By way of conclusion, I strongly restate my position that governments should make laws to force people recycle more because legislations are powerful. Moreover, setting relevant laws would be a rewarding and cost-effective way to let others know the importance of recycling.
For better TA scoring, always outline your discussion reasons in the paraphrase. This will allow the first paragraph to have a fully developed explanation presentation without your accidentally trying to explain things right off the bat. By outlining your discussion reasons, your paraphrase will leave with examiner with a better understanding of your English comprehension skills as you will show that you have a clear thought process that you can translate into understandable simple and quick English reasoning presentations. Keep it short. Just provide the topic sentences for the reasoning paragraphs. Nothing more nothing less. Then start the reasoning paragraphs with the same topic sentences as an anchor for the examiner's reading.  
  
You are speaking of criminal law in your first reasoning paragraph. Not recycling is not a criminal offense. Do you mean that it should be turned into a criminal offense with jail or prison time? Your explanation is not clear.