dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Next time, I suggest that you include in your post the graph/chart to make the feedback more specific and helpful. Thank you.  
First and foremost, I would suggest merging that introductory sentence into the paragraph below it. It appears out of place in its current placement - and does not pave way for a structured narrative that will strengthen your essay.  
  
*Watch out for the words that you capitalize.*For instance, names of food are *not*supposed to be capitalized for they're not proper nouns. I suggest finding a grammar-focused learning book to boost your skills in determining these things. Once you get a hold of it, you'll be able to organically notice these small mistakes because they're easy to spot.  
  
You also have a tendency to create run-on sentences or those phrases which are simply dragging and do not contribute much to the essay.  
*We can, for instance, revise your third paragraph's first sentence as:  
The bar chart shows how people with higher salaries spend more than 40 pence for hamburgers in a span of one week. Meanwhile, the amount of fish and chips and pizzas are only chosen at approximately 20 pence.*  
  
You can practice all these suggestions and apply them to the rest of the essay. Best of luck.
## telling kids stories, or reading storybooks - opinion

  
  
Here is my latest essay on IELTS Writing Task 2. Please be free to leave your comments. Thanks in advance  
**Some people think parents themselves need to spend time reading or telling stories to children, while other think children can read by themselves through a variety of sources, such as books and the Internet.  
  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
According to some, it is necessary for parents to read and tell stories to children. While there are other who think that children should take that responsibility by themselves. Both sides of the debate will be discussed below before drawing my opinion.  
  
On the one hand, as parents read or tell stories to children, many people believe children would be greatly beneficial. Because the parents usually are those have much experiences in life, therefore, the kids could easily broaden their knowledge in diverse aspects thanks to their support. Moreover, it is widely believed that reading or telling stories to children can be a great way to promote of family bonding. In other words, sufficient family time could be ensure, enhancing healthy interaction within families as consequence.  
  
On the other hand, there are many people think that parents should let their children to read by themselves. When children are given more opportunities to read, their autonomy in learning, which is believed to be essential for their future, could be greatly developed. Secondly, as giving more chances to read by themselves, children are believed to be better interested and motivated in reading. In other words, as children are allowed to read whatever that they are interested in, it would yield better results to children's development.  
  
Finally, in my opinion, both tasks are undoubtedly necessary for a child's future but the focus should depend on a child's age. In specific, parents should read or tell stories to younger children because they need to be motivated to acquire knowledge about world's reality. For older children, when they have a reading habit, such important qualities like independence could be greatly promoted among young's mind.  
  
In conclusion, although people have different views, I believe it would be better for young children to be motivated in learning and older children to become independent.
I would watch out for your construction of paragraphs. You have a tendency to leave behind thoughts, meaning that you end your paragraphs without necessarily providing concluding remarks. *To avoid this, I would suggest always going back to the main thought of the paragraph before proceeding to typing another one.*  
  
I also suggest clarifying how you narrate your sentences. You have a tendency to somehow overwhelm the readers with words.  
*For instance, the last paragraph of the second paragraph can be rewritten as:  
In other words, sufficient family time can ensure healthy interactions among members.*  
**Try to be as straightforward as possible.**  
I would also suggest that you reread your essay and be more careful with your sentence construction. There were instances wherein you had redundant usage of nouns and verbs. To avoid this, I would suggest opting to use more pronouns in replacement. *This will make your essay more polished.*
## Consumption of the world's resources

  
  
It is true that global resources are consumed dramatically increasingly. While there are several reasons why this is the case, I believe that we can do more things to cope with it.  
  
Two reasons can explain why it is a significant rise in the usage of resources of the Earth. First of all, the universal population rocket in the past few years. That means one person can receive a specific amount of sources before, but right now these should be divided and provided for more people. The second point is the waste of natural resources. I had ever seen an America situational drama about people consume plenty of food, but lots of students still do not have enough food for their lunch.  
  
In spite of these reasons, there are some strategies people can do to minimize the problem. Obviously, more and more people tend to drive whatever they go. This wastes lots of oil resources. Therefore, people can reduce the frequency of driving and take public transportation. Another strategy is recycling. Recycling makes us reuse the same thing and cherish our resources. Finally, do not waste food is the easiest and most common option. In Taiwan, some ugly food or just a little damaged food will be thrown away because nobody buys them. Even ugly fruits and vegetables can be utilized in any meal, so everyone should cherish food resource.  
  
In conclusion, though resources are spectacularly reducing and lots of reasons lead to this issue, there are still plenty of things we can do to avoid and reduce the consequences.
You can *enhance* your introduction. Consider tackling *why* there has been a drastic increase in the consumption of resources. Discuss *briefly* the factors that has affected this. I know that you mentioned it in your second paragraph.  
  
To avoid redundancies, simply paraphrase your second paragraph's introduction to something similar to this:  
*These aforementioned reasons have resulted to a consistent need to tackle the potential consequences. The [mention x average amount of global population increase] over the past [mention x number of years that you have measured] has to be expounded upon.*  
  
This format for your narrative does two things clearly: it avoids redundant language from repetitively mentioning similar words from your first paragraph, and it strengthens your essay through making sure that you have data to back-up your claims better. This will improve the quality of your essay.  
  
*I would also suggest applying the same structure to your third paragraph.*  
Watch out for grammatical mistakes. Take, for instance, the last sentence of the second paragraph: it is unclear what you mean by "I had ever seen" because of the wrong phrasing. **To minimize these issues, I suggest that you reread your essay out loud to determine portions that sound inorganic and/or unnatural to the tongue. If it does not flow well, then there should be something wrong.**  
  
Lastly, I suggest that you paraphrase your last paragraph. The structure can be dragging to readers. Divide that chunk of sentence into two separate thought bubbles.  
  
Best of luck.
## is it good to share all important information?

  
  
I will have my IELTS exam this Saturday, and i really need your suggestion!! :)  
And my aimed score is band 6.5 in average so that I want to reach band 6-6.5 in my writing task!  
I will be really grateful for any advice from you!  
  
**Question**  
Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion  
  
**My answer**  
  
Information plays an essential role in our modern society. It is believed that information should be shared freely for the development of science, commerce and academy, but I think we should charge some money for the use of information, which is far more beneficial.  
  
Easy-to-reach information allows various industries and researchers to draw upon the ideas on others and some real statistics. For instance, if merchants could acquire the preference of their customers, it would enable them to produce the popular products. Therefore, the limited resources and energies would be well used to avoid over manufacturing. At the same time, scientists and scholars are able to confirm whether their theories and study is realistic by comparing with the information from real world. It can effectively contribute to technological advance and theory breakthroughs.  
  
However, some information is confidential to some companies. And without these information, the company may lose their advantage in the market. In this highly competitive society, it is important for companies to have their own core advantage to take up a share of market， therefore they have to keep some information , such as special recipes of restaurants, advanced technology of hi-tech companies and even market strategies of start-ups, as secrets. Charging for high prize of is a valid way to protect these information.  
  
In my opinion, the sale of information now tends to be a new branch of the service sector's industry. Some well-known companies like McKinsey & Company mainly generate revenue from their information consulting company to cater for customer's different needs from company internal management to military strategy, so that free access to information cannot guarantee their constant income.  
  
Overall, though free information benefits some house-skaters in our society, it is charged information that makes a more sustainable development in a long term.
The introduction had run-on sentences. To avoid this, I suggest minimizing your usage of connecting words or conjunctive adverbs. If you do this, you will as well be omitting unnecessary words. This can also help you become more straightforward in your language and articulation. If this cannot be avoided, try repackaging your articulation so that your independent clauses become stand alones instead of forcibly linked together.  
  
*Let's look at your first paragraph. I would have written it as:  
Information is essential in modern society. The freedom to share it freely contributes to the development of science, commerce, and academics. However, I believe that we should charge money for its usage. This is beneficial for a number of reasons.*  
  
Words that quantify (some, a few, etc.) can be useful. However, in this instance, you can omit it to save on the number of words because there is no exact measurement to be provided for the usage of money. You had committed the same mistake in your second paragraph's first sentence ("some real statistics"). You can sharpen the tone and flow of your essay through removing these words because it creates a more dignified approach to your language.  
  
Apart from this, your essay already has hold of its own structure. Just keep writing. Ensure that your essay always has sufficient background data to back-up its claims.
This is a discusive essay, therefore, I think you should include some phrases like "some people believe that, it is believed that, according to some,..." to make sure that you're discussing the opinions. The topic requires you two tasks, discuss and give your opinion. As I read through your essay, it seems to me that this is an opinion essay, which only satisfies one part of the topic. This would negatively affect to your score in TR criteria. If you have your own opinion, my advise is to write a separated paragraph. By what I mean, there will be three body paragraphs, two of them will be used for the discussion part, and the other is used for your opinion. About the vocabulary and grammar range you use in the essay, I have no comments since I believe they are very good and relevant.
## SHOPPING AS A HOBBY

  
  
In the past, shopping was a routine domestic task. Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby. To what extend do you think this is a positive trend?  
  
A geneaction ago shopping was considered a chore that needed to be accomplished. A lot of people today instead, think of it as their hobby. It is no longer a boring duty, while instead it has become a leisure activity, often replacing others that are in some way healthier. This trend in my opinion is not really positive, since it carries a few negative outcomes.  
  
The young generation mostly considers it as a great activity to do during the weekends with their friends. Due to the huge spread of shopping malls, this activity once considered tiresome and monotonous, has now become really convenient. There is, moreover no need to drive to different stores to buy a list of simple products. In these places, people can indeed find every item on the planet. Young people hence, would rather spend their free time in such places than doing activities out in th open. Shopping has furthermore become a chance for families to spend some quality time together. Since both parents' and children's lives are getting busier and busier, a lot of families have decided to spend their weekends in shopping centres.  
  
This trend however, may be dangerous for young people. The modern society is already a consumer one; consequently, if young people start buying in a compulsive manner, the consequences might hence be enormous.  
  
Once a duty, shopping has become a hobby. This new leaning to summarise, has spread not only between the generation of teenagers but also between families. Sinche these places have mushroomed in every city, young people have replaced activities such as sports with shopping. The latter, in my opinion should be an activity to do only occasionally, since there is nothing healthier than taking a walk under the sunlight while breathing fresh air than listening to the sound of a crowded shopping mall.
hello @FrancescaD  
First, congrats on your great effort  
Second, l can some comments so tht you can better your writing skill  
  
in your essay there are some grammatical mistakes, and most of them result from liking words and punctuations ,you need to be more mindful where to put them in an appropriate way  
  
and one more thing, normally in the conclusive part, people just paraphrase the question again and confirm their opinon without any further explaination which we usually already did in the body part  
  
hope it could help  
love,  
kat
@FrancescaD  
Please review your fundamental grammar usage and articulation. There were multiple instances wherein your essay had lacked clarity because of having construction errors.  
*Let's take, for instance, the first paragraph. I would rewrite the first two sentences as:  
A generation\* ago, shopping was considered as a chore to be accomplished. Nowadays, however, it is being thought of more as a hobby.  
\*Assumed correction for the word geneaction.*  
Watch out for run-on sentences. As with most ESL learners, you had a tendency to drag your sentences longer than they should be kept. This is a noticeable mistake all throughout the text.  
  
*Look at your last paragraph. We could revise the last sentence here as:  
The latter, in my opinion, should be an activity done only occasionally. There is nothing healthier than taking a walk under the [...]*  
If you can divide your sentence and separate your thoughts into independent portions, it would better the structure and flow of your essay.  
Best of luck as always.
Hi, there are some problems related to your essay.  
Firstly, I'd like to talk about the essay's structure. Although you have clearly written three separated parts, which are introduction, body and conclusion, they aren't relevant to the format of the IELTS Writing Task 2. In your introduction, you should briefly state the statement and provide your thesis statement, in which you have to answer directly whether this is a positive trend. It seems that your background statement in your introduction is too long and irrelevant. In your body paragraph, the obvious problem is that you don't have a balanced essay. This means that you've focused too much detail on one side of the problem, which is the reasons why people consider shopping as a habit nowsaday. Let's see, in your thesis statement, you state you think this trend has lots of negative outcomes, but in your body paragraph, all you focus is on the positive sides. This would lose your score in not only TR but also in CC criteria. The conclusion part has the similar problem with the introduction, which is too long and irrelevant.  
  
Secondly, I'd like to talk about the grammar and vocabulary range you use in your essay. Along with many grammatical errors, it is obvious that most of the words aren't used precisely. This would make you lose score in LS. Be careful with this, you don't need to put a lot of advanced words to get a high score in the test. The essay is marked based on four criteria, hence, my advice is that you should have a clear and understandable outline first before writing the essay.
## editors and their news

  
  
**The topic:** *News editors decide what to broadcast on television and what to print in newspapers. What factors do you think influence these decisions? Do we become used to bad news? Would it be better if more good news was reported?  
  
Nowadays, media as televisions and newspapers is an important part of people's life and the news we get depends on the content news editors put on. Besides, there are so many factors impact on the editors.*  
  
Firstly, political pressure is a main part that is always appeared in every country in the world. The political system of a country does not allow the newspaper companies to post or print any information as obstacles to them, neither do television stations. Especially, in country controlled by only one party as China, news editors never tread on delicate ground as border conflicts with contiguous countries in a negative way, even the faults belong to China. Then, the citizens are always covered by news about development of their country instead.  
  
Secondly, editors can gain huge profits from putting advertisements in the paper or broadcast in the television. The companies know about popularity of media and make corrupt use of media to spread their products. For example, an antirust paint company spend an amount of money for news editors to put the advertisement on the head of paper to attract readers. Therefore, everyone will see and look into the company if they have demand.  
  
In my opinion, if we just read and watched bad news as gang rapes in India, disasters in Japan,..., we would lose belief in life instead of getting used. If we only saw good news as no more hungers, no more poverty,..., it would not mean that there is no terrible offence in reality.  
  
In conclusion, there are many factors affecting to news editors but they should know how to balance and news should show facts even bad or good.  
  
Thanks for reading!!!
Your first paragraph is quite confusing because of its structure. I suggest revising it. Make sure that your articulation is straightforward.  
*For instance, I would instead write the first sentence as:  
Media is pivotal in shaping people's lives because of the content it holds.*  
Watch out for your verb usage.*Remember that consistency is the key when writing*. **If you start your essay using present tense, avoid switching to a different form.** This will ruin the format of your essay. Let's take your second paragraph's first sentence as an example. You switched from using present tense *(that is always)* to past tense*(always appeared in)*.  
  
In addition, I also suggest looking out for your *punctuation usage*. In the third sentence of the second paragraph, there should not have been a comma between *especially*and *in*because the context you were referring to was China's situation.  
  
I would suggest merging your last and second to the last paragraph. Incorporate your opinion into the overarching conclusion of the essay. This will strengthen the ending to have more of a structural approach to the essay itself.
In paragraph one last sentence ...and the types of jobs that are available.  
  
In paragraph two, paraphrase the sentences versus using direct quotes. Begin now learning how to paraphase sentences because as you continue your education there will be assignments where you will be asked NOT to use direct quotes. ....it is important to have knowledge concerning medicine........ .....Change The levels of education people in this career to The level of......................  
  
In paragraph three, paraphrase the sentences versus using direct quotes. Change this kind of radiologist to this type of radiologist....  
  
In paragraph four change They must be patient to Radiologists must be..........Change After they have earned to After earning a degree, a radiologist can accomplish......
## many people pursuing diplomas

  
  
*Hi all, l am praticing writing essays in hope of sharpening my writing skill and achieving in high band in IELTS  
l hope l would receive feedbacks and commnets from you all  
thank you so much !*  
  
Many people hold the view that allowing a large proportion of young people to pursue higher education is not practical and useful . From my perspective, I completely agree with this view  
  
There are many reasons why university places for too many students would not be possible. To begin with, if we allowed this hypothesis happened ,there would be an dramatic increase in the number of university students, which means that the university will likely be overloaded for lack of space and facilities and therefore put a great pressure on the state universities. Furthermore ,the support from the governments is an indispensible part for they need to allocate funds to build more many schools and colleges .This is impossible since there are many more other considerable sectors they need to take priority over construction of universities.  
  
I would also argue that even if this aim can be achieved, it would not generate any benefit. Offering many more university places will definitely result in entrance standards set to enter university lowered. As a result, teaching and studying quality is decreased and thereby generating low-qualified graduates. Another consequence worth mentioning is that a large number of graduates possessing the same educational attainments will make it challenging for employers when recruiting suitable candidates for vacant job positions; and one more negative result possibly predicted is this will lead to imbalance in workforce due to the lack of blue collar works working in manual works or factories  
  
In conclusion, ,I completely agree with the belief that increasing the number of places available in universities is not possible and this is useful in the society for the reasons mentioned above.