dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Gap year from study is becoming more popular

  
  
The tendency to take a gap year on the part of high school students has been increasingly gaining in popularity. While some people believe the year off between finishing school and going to university is advantageous to college- bound students, others do not. This essay will elaborate on both positive and negative side of this trend.  
  
On the positive side, taking a year off makes transition to college study easier for the reason that it offers a wealth of advantages. The primary benefit students obtain is to recharge the academic battery. Students have undergone a 12-year exhaustive formal education,completed their college application and gone through a rigorous admission process. Before college- bound students embark on major and pursue a degree program, it may be time for a break that gives opportunity to refresh themselves. If they are committed to going to college afterward, it may be more focused and capable of earning better grades when they do return thanks to great relaxation. Another benefit is the chance of strengthening college application for students defering enrollments. Some kind of extraordinary things done during the year off, such as volunteer for a worthy cause, business start-up or conduct an independent research project, considerably improve soft skills and pre-university experiences, which really appeals to the Admission Officers. For instance, what some of which looking for is a strong commitment to community service by taking an active role in projects impacting school and community. Therefore, a volunteer abroad experience, built on a foundation that demonstrates community-minded ethics, is likely to have a greater impact.  
  
On the negative side, taking a year off before attending college also represents some notable drawbacks. To begin with, difficulty in starting back up once students stop is one the biggest barrier for students not to take a gap year. Distancing from academics and avoiding academic- related during the break could make it impossible to get back into schedule and regain student's momentum, adversely affecting to the quality of later application. One another problem is that gap years can be costly. Taking a year off can be an expensive endeavor that will ultimately add to student's debt. It is crucial if people are planning on going this route due to its expensive cost- it is not for everyone.  
  
In conclusion, the disadvantages of taking a gap year are overshadowed by the benefits accuring from a wealth of expreriences during the year off. However, it is required to choose plans fitting in goals the most and broaden the knowledge to make sure the gap year be a useful hiatus leading to admission in a great college.
Thao, good work on the opening paraphrase. It was clear and depicted the instructions for the discussion in a manner that did not create stress for the reader even though the grammar was not perfect. It is too bad that you were not able to maintain the quality of the opening paraphrase in the body of paragraphs. Mistakes in grammar and presentation were all of these paragraphs.  
  
The first problem is that your paragraphs are way too long. It is always 3-5 sentences in 3 body paragraphs. That means, you get to discuss only one topic per paragraph otherwise you end up with overly long, little explained and hard (for the reader) to remember information. All of which confuse the reader in the end and cause undue stress when they have to constantly review the paragraph before they can make sense of what you are saying. The first paragraph should have been split into 2 paragraphs since you clearly discussed 2 independent topics in that single paragraph. Do the separation for clarity sake. Your C&C score depends on it.  
  
Now, since this is a discussion essay and not an opinion essay, you should never let the reader know that you are leaning more towards one side of the discussion. Be neutral at all times. Specially in the concluding paragraph. Do not take sides. Instead, just summarize the previous discussion points with a new paraphrase of the prompt to end the discussion.  
  
This is definitely not a bad attempt at writing a task 2 essay. The modifications I am suggesting, when applied to your next practice test should result in a better presentation and score result for you. That is why I am looking forward to reading your next practice essay.
@Holt your feedback helped me a lot. However Im uncertain about sth. Here some details:  
1) Whether only 3-5 sentences should be contained in each body paragraph?  
2) Show me where my little explanation and give me some advice on improving the situation.  
3)What does C&C mean?  
4) I saw a lot of band-9 essays ending up with their opinions. Is it required to be neutral?  
Thanks for being willing to helping me :>
*Today, more people are overweight than ever before. What in your opinion are the primary causes of this? What measures can be taken to overcome this epidemic?*  
  
## **OVERWEIGHT, WHAT ARE THE CAUSES AND POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS TO THIS PROBLEM.**

  
  
Obesity has been a health problem until now. Fast food, I think, is one of the primary reasons of this problem. This essay will discuss the causes of overweight and possible solutions to solve this issue.  
  
With the increasing amount of fast food chains, coming out like mushrooms in cities, the number of people who are above their desired weight are rising too. Fast food restaurants serve high caloric and greasy snacks with carbonated drinks that can gain weight and also unhealthy to the body. As a result, more and more people become obese because of its accessibility and easy preparation.  
  
Another cause of overweight is stress. When people are stressed, they tend to relieve this by over eating. Some may even call it, stress eating. Also, because of the hustle and bustle life in the city, people forget to eat right on time or prepare healthy food which results to purchasing take-out food.  
  
The government are taking measures to stop this erratic health problem. As a popular adage goes, prevention is better than cure. By spreading awareness and education people to a healthy lifestyle, this can help the public to avoid unnecessary food intake and practice healthy living such as promoting exercise and activities that can lose weight. Moreover, a healthy lifestyle can reduce the feeling of stress, by having enough energy for work, physically and mentally, thus, hitting two birds with one stone.  
  
All things considered, taking care of one's health should be on top of the list. Overweight is a problem that must be eradicated as soon as possible. To overcome this, awareness, with a combination of action to a healthy lifestyle should be practiced.
Jea, your language is confusing in this essay. It leaves the reader feeling stressed and confused about what you wish to say. Your C&C and GRA score for this essay may be very low because of the coherence and sentence structure problems of the paragraphs you presented.  
  
Since this is a direct question essay, the opening paraphrase should include a direct response to each topic posed for discussion. My take on this would be similar to something like this:  
  
*Weight gain is an ever increasing health problem in today's society. In my opinion, the two causes of this problem are psychological stresses of everyday life combined with the fast food lifestyle that people enjoy today. Therefore, the solution to the weight problem is related to the two causes. There are a number of solutions that can be used to address this situation.*  
  
If you create a connection between the psychological stress, such as having a limited amount of time to eat while at work and having a heavy workload, then the solution relating to stress management and healthy eating would be easier understood by the reader. Connect the two topics to the solution using a transition sentence or paragraph. Outline the discussion before you write the draft essay.  
  
A few confusing statements make the essay problematic to understand:  
  
with carbonated drinks that can gain weight and also unhealthy to the body.  
You mean ... that cause weight gain are unhealthy for the body.  
  
obese because of its accessibility and easy preparation.  
... of accessibility to fast food.  
  
By spreading awareness and education people to a healthy lifestyle  
... and educating...  
  
Be more careful of the way you develop your sentences. Make sure your message is clear in every paragraph. Remember, what may sound right in your native tongue may not come across in a clear manner in translated English.
*Hi. My name's Phuong. I'm 18. I have been learning IELTS for few days. I hope to get 7.0 on the test around 19 July. I'd be very thankful if you can help me with my task 1 essay below. Then I'm also ready to help you back. Have a nice day!*  
  
***## WATER CONSUMPTION TESTED***  
  
WRITING TASK 1 - TEST 1 (CAM 6)  
  
**MY ANSWER:**  
  
The line graph compares the amount of water used globally from 1900 to 2000 in three parts of economy. The bar chart shows the figure for water people in Brazil and Congo consumed in 2000.  
  
Overall, the graph indicates the huge gap between Brazil and Congo in 2000 in terms of water consumption per person. The chart shows a rise in the amount of water used by three sectors throughout that century.  
  
In 2000, each Brazillian used much more water than a Kongo, with 359 m3 and 8 m3 respectively. The population of Brazil was 176 million then whereas there are just 5,2 million citizens in Congo. Additionally, the area of irrigated land of Brazil could be estimated 265 times larger than that totalled in Congo.  
  
It is noticeable that water spending by these sectors reached their highest in 2000. As the highest of all, agriculture sector accounted for 3000 km3 of water use in 2000, having gained 2500 km3 in relation to its in 1900. In turn, the figure for water use by Industry and Household ranked the second and the third place, with just above 1000 km3 and nearly 500 km3 each. Global water comsumption by Industry increased by 1000 km3, while Household consumed nearly more 500 km3 of water than in 1900.  
  
215 words  
  
*
Viet, your opening summary / overview is not properly presented. There are a few bits of missing information in the presentation that led to the incomplete summary presentation. You need to be clear about 2 measurements presented and the types of measurements used. This improper presentation made your TA section confusing and uninformative for the reader. So you could lose major points for that mistake. The proper presentation is as follows:  
  
*A line graph and chart table have been presented for comparison purposes covering a decade on decade growth from the year 1900 to 2000 in relation to the water consumption of 3 nations and industries. The nations for comparison are Brazil and the Democratic Republic of Congo. The line graph measured the global water use of agricultural, industrial, and domestic sectors. The chart considers the water use of the population per country in the millions based on irrigated land use per square kilometer (km2) and the usage per cubic meter (m3) of water by individuals. The overall trend for the line graph is a growth in global water use leading into the year 200 while the chart showed that Brazil had the most water consumed in terms of population, irrigated land and water consumption per person.*  
  
The complexity of the measurements presented required a full 5 sentence summary analysis. If you compare what I wrote to what you created, you will see the reasons why your summary is incomplete and will not properly inform the reader.  
  
Your comparison analysis per paragraph is also ill informed as you try to complete your presentation in only 2 sentences per paragraph. You need to fully explain the data within 3-5 sentences for the sake of clarity, cohesion, and cohesiveness. Do not jus throw in the information for the sake of throwing it in. You need to make sure the information is accurate and understandable by any reader.  
  
Try to remember that writing more than the required words, but not meeting the considerations for task accuracy will result in a lower score. Your vocabulary is useless if you cannot prove that you understood the information in the given graph and table if you cannot properly explain the content to the reader. Consider for example, that not everyone will know what the measurement indicators mean. An accurate report would use the full terms first to introduce it to the reader, and then use the short cut references after.
**Task 2: Nowadays animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines and to test the safety of other products. Some people argue that these experiments should be banned because it is morally wrong to cause animals to suffer, while others are in favour of them because of their benefits to humanity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## Products tested on animals

  
  
The question of whether medicines and other products should be tested by animal experiments or not remains a source of controversy.Many people accept that continuing to conduct these trials will be the best way to guarantee the safety for humans, whereas others believe that these experiments should be banned because of the survivals of animals.  
  
On the one hand, it would be benifical for humans to carry out the animal experiments.Firstly, by doing these trials, scientists could test the drugs'effectivenesses and safety and also find the faults before putting to use in humans. Secondly, although it might be wrong with the lives of animals, if there will be some mistakes in medicines and other products, these experiments will prevent humans from the faults.In this case, people should raise their lives to the top.  
  
On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why people shoud prohibit the animal experiments. First, if scientist test the new medicines to protect human life, the survivals of all animals need also be respected and saved. Futhermore, the results of there trials are not completely true, it could not guarantee that the medicines which are safe for animals will be good for humans. Animals will likely die though not bring good results, so people should not do the animal trials.  
  
In conclusion, it seems evident that conducting the animal experiments is the best way to protect humans until scientists find the alternative methods.
Mguyen, rather than using the term controversy, you should the term "debate" since the keyword in the prompt is "argue". The topic is already known to be controversial but that is not the point of the discussion. The topic centers on the "argument" regarding the use of animals in experiments. Therefore, the appropriate words to use would be either debate or argument.  
  
In order to create a more coherent and cohesive paragraph, avoid counting out the reasons in a single paragraph. Instead, just offer a continuous discussion of the reasons since they are interconnected in terms of discussion. Counting the reasons out signify 2 separate discussions which then would need 2 separate paragraph presentations.  
  
This essay has an effective public reasoning line of discussion for both points of view. That is the good part of your work. The bad part? You forgot that the prompt was asking you to discuss your personal point of view as well. Since that is missing from the discussion, you will only be scored on a partial basis rather than being given full points consideration. Remember to always double check the prompt before submission to make sure that you did not forget to discuss any important part of the essay such as your personal point of view or opinion.  
  
Your opening and concluding paragraphs both suffer from a lack of required sentences. The requirement is between 3-5 sentences and both should be a paraphrase of the given discussion. For the opening paragraph, that is a representation of the original prompt. For the conclusion, it is a summary of the given discussion and a restatement of the thesis statement.
Hi Nguyen, I noticed that the words 'animal experiments' have been used throughout the essay. Maybe you should try to think of alternative substitutions, such as lab animals, or test on experimental animals etc.  
  
Also, you hadn't expanded the reasons long enough before you jumped to another reason.  
if scientist test the new medicines to protect ...  
This sentence you are unable to tell me why those animals should be respected and saved when the experiments for medicinal purposes are to protect human lives.
## how offenders should be punished?

  
  
*Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
People have different views about how offenders should be punished. In my view, I believe that some other aspects of a crime should be considered before agreeing on the punishment.  
  
On the one hand, there is a mixed variety of reasons for imposing fixed punishments on every crime. Firstly, a set of punishment for each crime acts as a precursor to a fair justice system that causes no suspicions of how an offender is sentenced. Also, the judge would have no difficulties sentencing offenders and hence, it would take less time that could have been spent on further research on the circumstances or motivations of the crimes. Secondly, everyone would be aware of how severe the punishments are once they commit crimes and hence, fixed punishments would deter people from acting illegally.  
  
On the other hand, it is true to argue that there are still factors influencing a crime that need to be taken into consideration, such as the circumstances and motivations. Obviously, people not always act illegally on purpose and there must be something triggering them or forcing them to commit a crime. For example, people stealing to feed their family have the lofty reason to do so and should not be punished as severely as others who steal for personal benefits. This way, considering such factors before sentencing an offender seems to be more humane and could encourage rehabilitations after imprisonment.  
  
I strongly believe that a set of punishments is not necessary as it is an inhumane way of sentencing offenders and it gives them no chances of explaining. Instead, the circumstances and motivation of any crimes should be dug into for the legal rights of the committed offenders.  
  
In conclusion, although fixed punishments seem to be beneficial in some ways, it is important to me that each crime should be judged taking both the circumstances and motivation into account.  
  
I really appreciate your comments on what my writing lacks in and what I can do to improve. Many thanks!
Mu. what is happening to you? It seems to me that you have either forgotten all of the lessons I have been trying to teach you or, you chose to disregard my instructions for some reason. Your current essay has all of the old mistakes that I had already corrected in your work before. This is the trademark sign of a student who is listening to more than one person regarding the method by which these essays should be written. You have to be honest with me here and inform me if you have a private tutor or are attending tutorial classes already. I do not wish to contradict the education of your paid professional as that will end up confusing you and will result in your producing an essay such as the one above which to me is faulty to a great extent, but is perhaps correct in the eyes of your tutor. You cannot have 2 people teaching you how to write this as it will only serve to further confuse you. Please, let me know if I should stop advising you because of the existence of a tutor or your enrollment in formal classes. Thanks.  
  
For now, I will tell you this. As far as I am concerned, this essay is faulty from the very beginning as you treated this as a direct question essay rather than the comparative essay with personal opinion method. The latter method requiring you to discuss both public points of view before you present your own opinion. From the opening paragraph alone, one can already see the prompt deviation when you failed to indicate a representation of the 2 points of view discussion before your personal statement as part of the thesis presentation. You indicated instead that you would be discussing your personal opinion alone in the essay.  
  
So your essay will be tangential in response and as such, may not score very well based on the remaining 3 criteria since you have C&C, LR, and GRA problems in the presentation. I am held back from further advising you as I do not know if I should still continue to guide you based upon what I perceive to be repeated mistakes in this essay that I previously corrected. If you already have someone else helping you professionally, then I will withdraw my advice from this point on so as not to confuse you.
Some people think that rich countries should help the poor countries by giving money directly. Other believe that there are other more effective forms of international aid. What is your opinion?  
  
## Money is not the best help sometimes

  
  
With tremendous development of economic and commerce, the gap between the wealth countries and destitute countries is widen day by day. Whether or not the most effective method which rich countries should help the poor countries is donating money directly is spark off a heat debate. In my opinion, I think that what the developing region need most is not financial aid or loans, but advanced technology and talent in some essential areas  
  
Obviously, the direct cash or money can solve immediately and usefully some emergency issues such as starvation or water crisis, but it is not a long - term solutions which is most necessary in poverty countries, or may be that money will be spent in improper ways.  
  
Like a farmer need a fishing rods rather than fishes, many developing countries require modern technology, science and engineering than money because they are the backbone in from solving urgent problems process to development economic, culture and society. For example, Da river hydroelectric factory which is achievement collaboration of Soviet Union and Vietnam has brought electricity to whole Vietnamese territory, give them a much more promising future.  
  
Moreover, the second effective form of international aid is that the developed countries could invest on quality of the young in backwardness region. For instance, the rich countries can train the talent students by which provide scholarships or finance for students in poor areas have a chance to widen their horizon, then return to help their own countries. However, government of destitute countries have to ensure that the brain - drain can not happen.  
  
In conclusion, there are some other types of aid the rich countries may choice to provide effectively. Meanwhile, if financial aid is offered, we have to make sure that money is being spent on what people really need them and not on filling the pockets of corrupt politicians.  
  
pls give me feedback and mark my essay. thanks so much