dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi @Pramudia27!  
From my perspective , this essay could be seen as well-constructed example for aformentioned topic.However , you should write the underlying topic first so as to facilitate us to judge .If you want to raise your band , more academic vocabularies should be used ,diverse sources of grammar.  
  
~~Hutama from Nancy university say ...~~  
~~Syukon from Uppsala university say ...e~~ -> No personal example in task 2 essay , use more popular role models
Hello pram  
  
The reason for the score is that you were not able to properly respond to the prompt. You presented enough of the reasons but you did not offer any expanded explanation regarding possible solutions for reducing pressure In young generations perspective. Coherence and cohesion will most likely fall under a 5 owing to the way that you have some logic to your presentation but sometimes, there is a lack of development in your discussion.  
  
your word choices do not help to develop the sentence and instead serves to confuse the reader instead. Your grammar and sentence structure problems causes some strain on the part of the reader when it comes to trying to understand what you have to say.
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.**  
  
A comparison of the information about the subjects of high school exam which are passed by males and females students during the period 2010-2011 is shown in the bar graph. Overall, most of subjects which were passed by girls especially in computer science experienced the highest percentage whereas boys gained higher than girls only in Geography matter  
  
Initially, a sharp difference between boys and girls happened in few subjects such as chemistry, computer science, and geography. Girls students dominated in computer science at 56.3% while boys passed at 42.1%. The same pattern was experienced in chemistry because the percentage of females and males students gained by 16.1%. In contrast, boys got the higher percentage when they passed geography which was about 30.4% whereas females passed by 10.3%  
  
On the other hand, some subjects passed by students witnessed a slight difference which was in physics and history. Foreign language and mathematics experienced the same. Foreign languages and mathematics which were passed by females gained higher than males by almost 1%, and 36.7% of girls passed the physics subject whereas boys passed at 34.6%. In addition, history was passed by females at 25.6% while 22.9% of males got through of it.  
  
*   
Bar Chart
Hello ifra, i will give you some suggestion:  
  
... which are passed by male~~s~~ and females student~~s~~ during the period ...  
  
Task achievement: Presents and adequately highlights key futures, presents a purpose that is generally clear, there are in consistencies in tone, addresses the requirements of the task.  
  
Coherence and cohesion: arranges information and ideas coherently and there is a clear overall progression  
  
lexical resource: Uses a limited range of vocabulary, but minimally adequate
**The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009**  
  
A breakdown of the information about five major categories which spend the expenses of United States, Canada, United Kingdom, and Japan in 2009 is depicted by the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that most of all countries spent their income in housing purposes than the other categories. The United States became the country which spent the most expenditures in housing  
  
To begin with, three of five categories which were food, housing and transportation were spent by many countries higher than other categories. The United States shared the most expenditure about above a quarter in housing while others gained under a quarter. Food consumption was spent by Japan at around 23% while the United States consumed solely under 15%. Moreover, Canada and the United Kingdom gained 20% and 15% respectively, and Canada dominated in transportation at 20% whereas others gained under 13% separately  
  
On the other hand, health care and clothing witnessed the fewer expenditures in these countries. The United States gained under 10% in health care whereas others consumed under 5%. In contrast, clothing expenditure gained above 5% in Canada and the United Kingdom while above 5% experienced in the United States and Japan respectively  
  
*   
*Bar Chart*
Hello ifraaa!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion :)  
  
Instead of using those words repetitively, I suggest you these similiar words.  
Food = Groceries  
Housing = Accomodation  
Transportation = Travel needs  
  
... gained 20% and 15% respectively~~, and~~. Canada dominated in ...  
  
... and clothing witnessed ~~the~~ fewer expenditures ...  
You do not need put article "the" for comparing. Exception for superlative.  
  
Thankyou!  
Fighting!
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.**  
  
A breakdown of the proportion of students both males and females who passed their skill exams in high school, by seven different subjects, over a 2-year period is depicted in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that the percentage of girls students who passed computer science exam was the highest, while in geography recorded the smallest, and no one got percentage over sixty percent for all subjects.  
  
To begin with, six of seven subjects is dominated by girls students. Foreign language experienced a close behind by both genders, females gained at 47.7%, while males appeared by 0.6% lower than females. Furthermore, computer science as the greatest showed at 56.3% for girls, while in geography witnessed the smallest by around two times lower.  
  
On the other hand, chemistry had the biggest gap between females and males by 16.6% , while foreign language showed the smallest gap. Geography was the only one which boys had the biggest percentage than girls at 30.4% and 20.1% respectively. Moreover, mathematics existed at 49.2% for females, while for males recorded by fewer than one percent.  
  
*   
*Question*
Mardian, this essay is actually a well-written piece of work but unfortunately, the most important data is missing. Stating "over a 2-year period" is only used for substituting the year that you have mentioned in the very beginning of your essay. If you take a closer look, there is NO exact time signal that indicates the year. In IELTS public band descriptors, it is stated clearly in terms of Task Achievement that "there may be no data to support the description" is one of the criteria for band 5. Year/Time signal is an important data that must not be missing. Therefore, my suggestion is that you need to be more careful in the next practice. It was really unfortunate, I would give you band 6 or above for this writing if you give the "data" to support the descriptions.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hello mardian i will give some suggestions:  
..., by seven different subjects, **over a 2-year period is**depicted in the bar chart. ...................>> Inaccurate data :**it is just a 1-year period**  
  
... that the percentage of **girls students** who passed........................>>>Girl students  
  
Your task achievement presents a purpose that is generally clear, there may be inconsistencies in tone,  
Lexical resources : attempts to use less common vocabulary  
Grammatical range and accuracy: you have tried use a variety of complex sentences form.
The global sale of hybrid vehicles is showed in below chart between 2006 and 2009. The kinds of countries which participate in this survey that are Japan, US, and other. Overall, the total sales in 2009 were the twice amount of the total sales in 2009 and it includes the upward trend.  
  
Firstly, Japan always increases the sale of hybrid transport between 2006 and 2009, which it has the highest number of sales at almost 350 thousand that it increased extremely from 2008 to 2009. Not only Japan has highest sales, but also it has the lowest number of hybrid vehicle sales approximately 50 thousand.  
  
Secondly, Ushas up and down trend of the hybrid transport sales which it has the lowest number of sales about 250 thousand vehicles and also the US has the highest number of hybrid sales by 100 thousand in 2007 or from one year before in 2006.  
  
Thirdly, the other countries have the gradual increase about 50 thousand transports from 2006 to 2009 which the smallest number of hybrid vehicle sales at 50 thousand, also the highest number is over 100 thousand and below in 150 thousand of the hybrid vehicle.
Hello ike this is my correction for you. please give me your correction too.  
  
The global sale of hybrid ... >> **you better change this** (The graph shows sale of hybrid vehicle during 4-years period between 2006 and 2009 )  
  
... participate in this survey ~~that~~there are Japan, US, and other  
  
the words which you write it just below 150, you must more practice to writing. and don't forget you speeling must be right.  
  
thanks
Hi,below trough my advie for you.  
1. ... of hybrid vehicles ~~is showed~~is shown(passive) in ~~below chart~~ (below chart? no chart you attach in your summary) between 2006 and 2009.  
2. ... were the twice ~~amount~~ number (countable) of the total sales ...  
3. ... which participate in thissurvey that are Japan, US, and other ---> remember, in the part I of IELTS writing task, do not add your opinion . No one word says that that is a survey.  
  
4. Overall, you use the wrong tenses. you should use pas tense to represents the bar chart.
hello yurii.. this is my suggestion for your writing  
  
... number of sales at almost 350 thousand that it increased e...  
Not only Japan has the highest sales, (...) approximately 50thousand.  
  
... number of sales about 250 thousand vehicles and also the US (...) by 100 thousand in 2007 or from one ...  
  
... increase about 50 t~~housand~~ transports from 2006 (...) sales at 50 thousand , also the highest number is over 100 thousand and below in 150thousand of the hybrid vehicle.  
  
1. thousand ==> you can mention unit in the introduction paragraph to avoid repetition  
2. pay attention about superlative and the article that should be used in this case  
3. you should attach the picture owing to the fact that other people do not know about data that you mean.
it is better to insert the picture in your writing feedback.  
  
... of hybrid vehicles is ~~showed~~(shown) in below chart ...  
The kinds of countries ~~which~~ participate in this survey ~~that~~ are Japan, US, and ~~other~~(others) . **Overall, the total sales in 2009 were the twice amount of the total ...****(I think you should check again this sentence )**  
  
Firstly, Japan always ~~increases~~(increased) the sale of hybrid (...), which it ~~has~~(had) the highest number ...  
Not only Japan ~~has~~(had the) highest sales, but (it) also ~~it~~]has(had) the lowest number ...
Hi let me give some comments  
  
1. Firstly, Japan always ~~increases~~increased the sale of hybrid ...  
The time is between 2006 and 2009 which is already happening, so you have to use past tense.  
  
2. which it ~~has~~had the highest number ...  
Same as for number 1, you have to use past tense  
  
3. ... countries have ~~the~~a gradual increase ...  
Increase is verb, because there is a verb 'have' you need to change increase by adding article 'a'  
  
Thank You  
Keep writing
Writing task 1 **(Sorry I can't attach the picture because the question from book)**  
  
The graph ilustrates about the number of hybrid cars which sold over 4-years period from 2006 to 2009. Overall, the number of cars from Japan and other show upward trend. Whereas, cars from US increased extremely between 2006 and 2007, but after that gradual decrease until 2009.  
  
As can be clearly seen, the highest sales of cars is 740.000 in 2009 and the smallest sales in 2006, only 360.000. cars from Japan was slight rose from aproximately 50.000 to 60.000 in 2007. Then. Increased again to 80.000 in 2008. Finally, grow up extremely in 2009 by 240.000.  
  
The chart shows, the country whisch has the biggest total sales in 2009 was Japan, follow US in second place. Eventough, US has the highest sales between 2006 and 2008. Japan has increased extremely from 2008 to 2009, and became country which has the biggest grow up and commonly sales of hybrid cars from US and Japan.
Hi,below trough my advice, perhaps useful for you.  
1. Whereas, cars from US increased extremely between 2006 and 2007, but after that gradual decrease until 2009. ---> you means the number of cars? or the vehicles global sales? . That is has different meaning dude.  
  
2.cars from US ~~increased extremely~~ ---> improper usage  
3.As can be clearly seen, the highest sales of cars is 740.000 in 2009 and the smallest sales in 2006, only 360.000 --->in my viewpoint, you should add where country has that trend  
  
4.The graph ilustrates about the number of hybrid cars which sold over 4-years period from 2006 to 2009. ----> gives more specific types of graph (ex: bar chart,line chart, etc)
Hi Alfin, as you are unable to post the diagram, I will not be able to accurately conduct a level of accuracy on the information that you have provided in this analysis, however, I would like to modify your essay with the focus on your sentence construction.  
  
- The graph ilustrates ~~about~~ the number of hybrid cars  
- which sold over the 4-year~~s~~ period from 2006 to 2009.  
- Overall, the number of cars from Japan and other- at this point, you cannot say "the other", simply because we have not established the structure of the analysis  
  
- cars from the US increased extremely  
- ~~but~~however, there was a~~after that~~ gradual decrease until 2009.  
  
- ~~As~~It can be clearly seen,that the highest  
- Japan ~~was~~experienced a slight rose  
- Finally, ~~grow up extremely in 2009 by~~it rose to 240.000 by 2009 .  
  
There you have it Alfin, as usual, I have left the last paragraph for you to practice your editing skills and I hope you follow though with the corrections made.
Hi alfin, let me give some comments.  
  
1. There are several errors in spelling  
ilustrates ----> illustrates  
aproximately ----> approximately  
whisch ----> which  
Eventough ----> Even tough  
  
2. ... from Japan and other ~~show~~showed upward trend ...  
The timeline is happen in the past, so you might use past tense.  
  
3. ..., the highest sales of cars iswas 740.000 in 2009 ...  
You tell about something happen in 2009, so you need to use 'was'  
  
Thank you  
Keep Writing
**Nowadays, the number of kids are having an unhealthy behaviour. While, responsibility for solving this problem are both education institution and parents and I agree both equal.**  
  
Recently, large number majority of children have similarities problem called unhealthy lifestyle. As we know that unhealthy lifestyle have many varieties but the most common is food. This is mainly because kids often eat in the food store or in the school than in the home. Reviewing the food which is sell in the store there is no guaranty that the food is healthy. Therefore, common people said that food in the several stores is unhealthy. Although children often buy food in the store, parents can stop it and change the bad activities with a new way. Parents can provide food to the children before they go to school and bring it, after free time in the school they can eat food which is bringing from the house.  
  
Next, based on the research of Kompas news, children more spend their time on the school, so we can imagine that one of the effect unhealthy behaviour is come from school. In this point, education institution has big chance to control the children. Usually many unhealthy foods around the school which is free sale without consider about the negative effect. Consequently, school should give pay attention to the seller and give information to the student that one of unhealthy lifestyle come from food which is causing many diseases such as overweight, diabetes, and stroke.  
  
To sump up, unhealthy lifestyle of children can be faced by both school and parents. I hope in the future rate of unhealthy behaviour can be reduced by both of them.  
  
280 WORD.
Hello, i will give you some suggestions, i hope it will help you  
  
1. Check your sentence  
  
**Recently, large number of children have similarities majority of problem called unhealthy lifestyle**.  
  
**after free time in the school they can eat food which is brought from the house**  
  
... come from food which is ~~causing~~caused many diseases such as ...  
  
2. To avoid repetition, you can use  
Food = Diet, meal  
Student = Pupils
**sorry i cannot show the graph because question in the book**  
  
The bar chart presents information about the trouble which are people facing when they live in over seas measured by precenrage. Overall, it can be seen that generally all ages have similarities problems, not only that but also the data shows that finding school always become lowest.  
  
Moving to the sorting out finances, in the aged 18-34 the majority of people more get problem in sorting out finances around 34% than other; however in the next age sorting out health care always increase slight at 37 in 35-54 ages and 39 in 55 over. In addition, people get more problem when they are in 35-54 ages such as sorting out finances at 35, sorting out healthcare at 37 and finding schools for children at 19.  
  
On the other hand, finding school for children is the third problem as common people, they stood at 7 in 18-34 ages but in the 35-54 dramatically increase by 12 from 7. More over, this problem become not seriouse problem in ages 55 over. It is mainly because in this age the trend plunged dramatical at 35-54 and decline in the 55 age or over.  
  
190 word
**"*Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?***  
  
In the recent year, young people are experiencing some problems in to be forced in education, social, and commercial views. This is because their parents expect much in that ways that their children must do more. Therefore, this essay will offer a solution that parents should lead their children without any pressures.  
  
Every parent provides the best things for their children, so they expect their children will do the best to the best results. Unfortunately, this condition sometimes is terrifying things for children. They push themselves to get best. If someday they cannot get what they want, they will get frustration. It backs up by the research from UNICEF that 86% students who got depression in their academic and social activities due to unexpected results, which one-third of them said their purpose were to satisfy their parents or to eschew themselves from grumble of their parents. As a result, children underwent some psychological disturbance that will affect their future life.  
  
To reduce those pressures in children lives. Parents are the most responsible people who have to take an action. From my point of view, parents should guide their children to get the high achievement without any pressures. Based on study from California University stated, that six from ten children who have worked well, had never experienced pressures from their parents. They just were encouraged to attain good result and their parents just advised them to decide the best from the some options. So, their children will get their own 'succeed' way itself.  
  
To sum up, it may be true that children are in pressures now, if their parents push them very hard to get best accomplishment in their education, environment, and commercial without notice the condition of their child. Therefore, parents should encourage their children with some guidance not pressures. 300w
I think you need to differentiate between something that is happening NOW and something that is fact/news/statement/general truth. It might look simple but it appears in the very first sentence of your essay and it will NOT bring benefits towards your score. For instance, in this sentence you can see that "In recent years, young people EXPERIENCE problem" . This is definitely a factual data / facts / general truth / statement. Thus, simple present tense is more appropriate than present progressive/continuous.  
  
I am quite curious why do some members of this forum prefer to write FAKE facts rather than giving general example about certain things. Fake facts are easily to be recognized. It also often leads to fake-FALSE-facts. This would not be better for the betterment of your essay. This might also ruin the final grading of your score. Take a closer look on the criteria of BAND 5. IELTS band descriptors mentioned that "there may be irrelevant detail" . Fake facts or even fake-false facts can be considered as irrelevant if you are not careful enough to select the information that you want to 'create'.
Hallo miss anna.. here my suggestion for you..  
  
... young people ~~are experiencing~~ experience some problems ~~in~~ to be forced ... (**What problems to be forced do you mean? Must be the best or what? It must be clear here)**  
  
(**In the introduction you will make sentence better if you put what is the causes and solutions briefly)**  
Every parent provides the best things (...) will do the best to the best results. (**Repetition of best**)  
... sometimes is terrifying ~~things~~ for children. They push themselves to get the best.  
... 86% students who got**(in the past form, but where is your time frame? )**depression in their academic ...  
  
Good luck
A breakdown of figure for outcome in five countries including UK, USA, Canada, and Japan based on five categories in 2009 is provided by bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that the highest proportion of spending money in all these countries was for housing. In contrast, the figure for health care and clothing demonstrated both of lower proportion than others.  
  
First of all, expenditure of food showed that the United States spent less money for it than Canada while Japan experienced the highest proportion for it. Meanwhile, out coming for housing in US demonstrated the highest proportion about just over 25%, and other countries illustrated the percentage for it no more than a quarter. Furthermore, spending money for transportation showed quite big different of the percentage and all of these countries experienced no more than 20%.  
  
On the other hand, out coming for health care in the United Kingdom showed the lowest proportion and the United States demonstrated the highest proportion. Meanwhile, both of Canada and Japan illustrated quite the same proportion in that case. On one hand, figure for clothing experienced slight different proportion for all these countries about no more than 6%.  
  
*
Pramudiana, false fact/data is not suggested to be appeared in the essay. It might look simple, but when you mention "five countries" and the real data is "four countries", it is also considered as a mistake. The worst thing is that you did make a mistake since the very first sentence of your essay. Thus, I hope you can become more careful in the next practice.  
  
There are lots of cohesive devices but why did you choose "first of all" to open the first body paragraph? I am not really sure that the usage of "first of all" will be appropriate for writing task 1, but I have never seen any sample answers using that phrase to begin the paragraph. Instead, I have seen some sample answers use that phrase/cohesive device in Task 2 not Task 1. Try to come up with something that is acceptable for writing task 1 such as, "To begin with", "Initially", and many more. In your last paragraph, I think it might be better if you write it in the opposite way. As far as I know, "on one hand" should come before "on the other hand". In your writing, you accidentally switched them.  
  
Hope this helps :)