dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Krystal318  
**Technicalities-wise, I would recommend that you try to use more appropriate (ie. words whose meanings are more in line with what you want to relay) words when you're creating sentences.** Keep in mind also that academic essays require that your tone of writing should be kept within a standard. You should also opt to remove portions of the text that are redundant, unnecessary, or do not add a lot of substance into the entirety of the content.  
  
Let's try to revise a couple portions of your essay in relation to this.  
  
In your first paragraph:  
*Since the beginning of the use of electricity around 200 years ago, the world has changed in a multitude of ways. This has brought light to people; consequently, this has helped humans in an array of things - from simple things, chores, to grander things, space traveling. [...]*  
  
In the second paragraph:  
*[...] Another concern was the lack of light after the sun has set. [...]* (The explanation about how others in the past have a stronger communal connection because of the lack of electricity can be omitted because it does not fit in the context of the essay/the goal of the essay.)  
  
In the third paragraph:  
*Well-lit days is necessary for activities. [...] Electricity also assists in fostering communication. [...]*  
  
You should also be wary of your lack and excessive usage of articles. This can have an impact on the organic flow of your essay. Alongside this, be cautious also of the forms of verb you are using.  
  
For instance, in your last paragraph, the third sentence should be:  
*The benefits brought by electricity are countless.*  
  
Best of luck.
## What Is The Ultimate Key To Success In Life?

  
  
Hard work is very important in our life. Some people argue that luck plays no role for success of people. In my opinion, hard work is necessary but people can reach success more quickly if they have luck.  
  
On the one hand, hard work is an essential quality to successful people working in any fields. Hard work enables us to gain essential knowledge, skills and experiences required in our life. For instance, those who want to become a good doctor must take a lot of time and effort to learn medical knowledge and practice clinical skills in medical schools. My brother has made great efforts for over 10 years, reading lots of textbooks and overcoming numerous examinations to become a surgeon.  
  
However, we can reach our goals more easily if we have luck. Luck facilitates us the realization of plans, enabling us to reach our goals and objectives in a shorter period of time. Five years ago, my father's company specializing in manufacturing organic products was at the verge of bankruptcy due to low demand in domestic market. Fortunately, the company overcame the crisis thanks to timely support from the government, promoting export organic products to foreign markets. It is obvious that hard work accompany with luck may bring us to new horizons.  
  
However, it is no good to rely entirely on luck. Luck is only a catalyst to promote hard-working people reach their goal quickly. If luck is not accompanied with knowledge, skills and experiences gained from hard labor, opportunities will certainly be wasted regrettably. Story of my uncle is a classic example. He is a farmer and an alcohol addict. One year ago, he won the lottery with large amount of money but then he mainly invested in alcohol and drugs and now he return to poor person.  
  
In conclusion, for all of the reasons above, I believe that both hard work and luck play important role in success of any people.
@toannguyenduc  
I highly recommend that you give more context or specific information regarding the topics that you have. For instance, while you have discussed how luck influences us, it would be nicer if you could define what luck specifically means for you in this essay. You could perhaps mention that luck is an organic force in the world that creates a sphere of attaining success. To substantiate, you should also try to become more balanced when it comes to constructing your content. You can perhaps discuss the shortcomings of luck - how it cannot necessarily be attained by everyone, especially because it's not something that you can directly earn.  
  
Moreover, I also recommend that you watch out for minute mistakes that can do negatively contribute to your essay's structure. You should be able to reread and determine portions that are grammatically incorrect. You can do a lot of things in relation to this. You can try to be more wary of the words that you write.  
  
Let's look at your fourth paragraph. The last sentence here had sporadic mistakes. I could revise this portion instead as:  
*A year ago, he had won the lottery, earning him a huge sum of money. This money, however, was used mainly for alcohol and drugs. This caused him to return back to poverty.*  
  
Notice the way that I phrased it. For one, I took the story step by step to create a better flow and structure for the essay. This is a better approach because it will be easier than cramming everything into a single sentence.
Hello  
Your opening and ending paragraph are quite the same. You both used "play an important role". I suggest u should not use the same way twice especially in the open and end which would make readers notice more. You can use words like:" crucial, indispensable, essential" instead of "important".  
  
I rewrite your conclusion as:  
"Both hard work and luck are crucial and have their own role in one's succes, although one is uncontrollable, another depends on yourself."
Hi. I'm now learning the Ielts but i'm not sure what is my current band of writing. Can you help me check it and give me a certain band if possible? Any help will be appreciated.  
  
## Parent Engagement in Children's Learning

  
  
**Topic: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
While some people believe that caregivers should take the responsibility for teaching children the way to become good members of society, others contend that it is the task of the educational system. From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary.  
  
On the one hand, it is the family life that has the greatest impact on the personality of children. A child by nature mimics what his parents do because he spends most of his time with them. In other words, whether his behavior is good or bad depends largely on how the caretakers teach him. For example, if a mother throws rubbish in the trash can, her children will think that it is the right thing to do and keep doing it after that. In contrast, it can be terrible if children listen to their parents using bad language and copy it. Therefore, parents being good role models is absolutely important in forming moral values for their children, especially from an early age.  
  
On the other hand, there are several reasons why school plays a vital role in teaching children to be good humans. Firstly, students can learn academic lessons from teachers at the public education system, which are not usually taught at home. In order to make a positive contribution to the society, one needs to have both good moral qualities and knowledge. A basic ground work of academic knowledge paves the way for children to study further and thus can serve the community better. For instance, it is essential for a doctor to both be humane and to have deep understandings about medicine. Secondly, school is similar to a miniature society because each student has a different background and characteristics. Interacting with teachers and friends enables students to learn how to respect differences among them. For this reason, children can be more sociable when they grow up.  
  
In conclusion, the roles that the family and the educational system possess in raising children to be civilized people are equally important. Therefore, I believe that both sides have to work together to offer the best education for their children.
Heelllooo there.., let me help you for this.  
  
When it comes to introduction paragraph, you are being tested on how good you paraphrase the question. Good paraphrasing not only replaces the original words with yours, but also changes the sentence structures. In any case, I see you leave an unnecessary sentence: From my perspective, education from both parents and school are necessary, I say this since this sentence brings no value, as no idea is presented here.  
  
Body paragraph 2 needs more improvement on the way you develop the example. A 1-sentence example is not enough to support your claim, as the main objective of the example is to break down your claim into details.  
  
The conclusion sounds repetitive. Repetition brings you score a 6 in Task Response.  
  
Last but not least, you need to use a wide range of sentence structures as to improve your Grammatical Range and Accuracy. Compound and Complex Sentence and Inverted Sentences are two of them you need to tackle.  
  
Hope this helps  
  
Eddy Suaib, English Studio Indonesia
@trinhmaicoi  
  
Try to not be repetitive when you're constructing your essay. When you find yourself repeating the same sentence or phrase about more than two times in a single paragraph, always be wary and seek for alternatives. Remember that when you are constructing your essay, your goal is to be able to add as much substance and direction to its content. That is to say that you should try to be more straightforward; never go back to the same line of thought even as you are concluding your paragraph. Be concise.  
  
Let's take a look at your second paragraph. If I were you, I would revise some portions as:  
[...] it is the family that has the greatest impact on children. A child naturally mimics what his parents do because of the time he spends with them. [...] if the children hear their parents using bad language, they would do the same.  
  
I also recommend being more wary with your words. For instance, it is unnecessary to mention that it's *good moral qualities* (just opt to say that one needs to have morals and knowledge) as it becomes redundant.  
  
Aside from that, I think that you have a decent sentence construction. Best of luck!
Ielts-Task2: I need help for my ielts practice-task2.  
  
## A solution for urban traffic jams?

  
  
Task 2: The best way for governments to solve the problem of traffic congestion is by providing free public transport in 24 hours per day, and seven days a week. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
Nguyen Phuong Anh.  
Traffic congestion problem has envolved as a major topic of concern in society. While the common belief that giving free public transport for all resident all the time is the best way to solve this problem, I believe that there are many disadvantages in providing free public transport.  
  
Free public transport is a great idea for many reasons. Firstly, the population who transfer by public transport will increase whether the government provides buses and trains as the non-profit transports. In turn, the number of traffic vehicles will go down, which leads to a decrease in traffic congestion in peak time. Secondly, giving free transportation encourage people to transfer by public transport instead of moving by private cars. This not only helps to decrease the number of toxic emissions from vehicles but also reduce the number of traffic accidents. Using private cars is one of the primary reasons that cause congestion, so reducing the number of personal cars which particular traffic is a great way to solve this problem.  
  
However, by providing free transportation for resident, the government could face the increase in money for public traffic services and insurances. Towards many cities, the traffic fees resource from personal vehicles plays an important role in the economy, so transportation is not able to be free for all population all the time. Moreover, there are many better solutions to solve traffic problems. For instance, the government can reduce the prices of bus fares and train tickets, this not only can sustain the income from traffic fees but also increase the number of residents who transfer by public transport instead of personal vehicles.  
  
In conclusion, I agree that traffic congestion needs solving as soon as possible and providing free public transport all the time can reduce significantly this problem. Nevertheless, I believe that this solution still has limitations and also there are many better ways for the government to solve traffic congestion.
@nguyenphuonganh  
**Like what I tell most people, try to be more concise with your language.** When you're constructing sentences, always try to keep in mind that you're working with a word count. Revise as much as you can when you're practicing because this will help you develop a more put-together skill set.  
  
Let's try to revise a couple of points in your essay.  
  
In your first paragraph:  
*Traffic congestion has evolved into a major concern. While others believe that giving free public transport for residents is the best way to resolve it, there are disadvantages to this.*  
  
Note that you do not need to mention that it is in society because it is a given. You also do not need to mention that these are disadvantages for providing free public transport because you already mentioned it earlier in the sentence. **If you can cut down these unnecessary texts, you will be surprised how many word counts you can ultimately save.**  
  
In your second paragraph:  
*Free public transportation is ideal for many reasons. [...] population who prefer public transport will increase regardless of what infrastructure the government will provide. [...] people will use these instead of their private cars. [...] one of the primary reasons for congestion; therefore, reduction of personal cars can assist in resolving the issue.*  
  
I had changed a great idea to ideal as they pertain to the same thought. I also tried to omit as much unnecessary words as possible.  
  
In your third paragraph:  
*[...] by providing free transportation [...] the government will face a budgetary problem to provide the public service. In many cities, traffic fees collected from personal vehicles play an important economic role - thus why transportation is not free. [...]*  
  
Try to implement techniques that you can notice from here - and you'll do well. Best of luck.
## printed books purchased

  
  
There is a line graph at the end of the message,  
and here is my text:  
  
　　The line graph indicates how much money was spent on books in four European Countries which are Germany, France, Italy and Austria respectively over a period of ten years between 1995 and 2005.  
  
　　As can be seen in the graph, Germany spent the biggest amount of money in 1995, while Austria spent the least amount. In more detail, Germany continued its upward trend to 90 million US dollars until 1999, then dropped slightly by 2003, but soon hit the new high at around 95 million dollars in the end of the year 2005. Although people in Austria spent the least amount of money among the four countries in 1995, they paid more and more money in the following ten years and took over Italy in 2003 with the figure of 62 million us dollars to rank in the third place.  
  
France and Italy showed similar proportion to each other with fairly constant trend since 1995, and the both countries reached the peak with the amount of 75 and 63 million US dollars by 2005.  
  
Thank you in advance to help improving my writing skills❤️  
  
*
The first sentence's formatting is quite complex and baffling; **I would recommend try shifting around the thoughts to make it appear structured**. Try eliminating words that are unnecessary (filler words) as well to have more content.  
  
If I were you, I would put it this way:  
*The line graph reflects the money spent on books over a period of ten years between 1995 and 2005 in four European countries: Germany, France, Italy, and Austria.*  
  
In addition to the comments above, I had also replaced indicates with reflects as it is more appropriate when it comes to graphical interpretation (ie. indicates means *to pertain to* and is more relevant if you are making an analysis based on text, while reflects pertains to *more of a visual interpretation*). I had also removed the capitalization on the word countries because it is quite unnecessary in this context.  
  
**Watch out for your usage of preposition.** For instance, in your second paragraph, notice how it should be by the end of the year rather than in the end of the year because you were speaking of a movement that stopped at one point. Using more appropriate preposition can help elevate your writing.  
  
**Try to use more formal language in general.** For instance, in the last sentence of your second paragraph, it is quite noticeable how it lacks that concise flow that is required of technical analysis. If I were to revise this portion, I would say:  
  
Although Austrians spent the least amount of money in 1995, this increased exponentially in the following years, taking over Italy in 2003. They had reached 62 million US dollars, ranking in third overall.  
  
Notice how simply separating these sentence into two different lines can help have more structure in your essay. I had also tried to minimize the usage of redundant, repetitive words (in this case, money was mentioned twice even though it was unnecessary).  
  
Try to apply these recommendations and comments the next time that you try to create technical, interpretative content. Best of luck.
Hi guyssss! I'm practicing IELTS writing and would like to hear any feedback or recommendations from the forum. Thank all in advance!  
  
**Topic:** Space exploration is much too expensive and the money should be spent on more important things. What is your opinion?  
  
## too much money on space research?

  
  
**My essay:**  
A long time ago, space exploration was established as a result of that human desire to understand outer space. However, some people argue that space exploration costs such an unnecessary huge budget that we should pool our resources to more important things. I don't agree with this argument and believe that space discovery plays a crucial role in the society.  
  
First, the fact that space research is costly doesn't mean it's not value for money. In order to assess the merits of this science industry, we need to understand the intrinsic value of it. For instance, in the past, when smartphones hadn't existed yet, we could hardly see the importance of them and could never imagine that they would, one day, become such a undetachable tool of our lives. The case of smartphones has proved that it requires a long-term vision so as to evaluate the importance of an exploration effort. Subsequently, it is erroneous to prematurely conclude that space exploration is unnecessary.  
  
Second, to understand the behind reasons for space exploration is to see why it's worth so much time and capitals of humankind. Thanks to the fast-paced technological development and the hunger for discovery of humankind, it has been long known that we, the human beings, are not alone in this universe. Hence, the expedition into space will enable us to verify whether there are other forms of lives, as well as whether there are alternative livable planets, besides planet Earth. Nevertheless, the advanced innovation of our society has created lots of global issues, which are gradually more harmful to our lives. And it is not unreasonable to claim that our planet Earth would one day become an extinct environment. These outstanding issues have explained why many scientists, environmentalists, or even businessmen have invested a significant part of their resources to learn about the outer space.  
  
In a nutshell, space exploration can be considered as one of the best resorts to ensure the sustainable existence of humankind. As long as space exploration continues to innovate and is able to bring fruitful results, not only will we be able to gain extraordinary knowledge, but we may also be capable of discover another homeland for our society.
Firstly, you only wrote about benefits of space exploration. You should have mentioned about the other side of the coin too. Like how the money can be used to develop public services. Usually ielts question has two statements like some people believe its good to spend money on space exploration while some dont. So pick a side and first write about the other side which u dont believe in. Imagine like building a structure n then in your next para destroy the structure by agruing against those points. Thats what i do when i write my essays.  
  
I think you should avoid writing 'in a nutshell'. I read somewhere is not very formal. Eithed go for in conclusion or to conclude or to sum up.  
  
Keep it simple
t  
I would recommend that you try to omit unnecessary words in your essay. When you're working with academic essays, you will find yourself bound by word counts. This means that you have to try to condense your language. You should also try to be more precise with your language to help your essay become more specific.  
  
For instance, let's take a look at your first paragraph. I can revise the first sentences here as:  
*Space exploration was created decades ago because of humanity's desire to understand space. However, there are arguments that counter this. Some say that the high cost of space exploration should be allocated in more important projects.*  
  
Notice how I had divided it into three different sentences to make the structure simpler. Alongside that, I also tried to be more precise with language (ie. changing a long time ago to decades ago) to have more formality in the construction of the essay. I have also made sure that I tried to strip down your content (ie. instead of saying unnecessary huge budget, I just mentioned that it has a cost) to accommodate more information.  
  
You had were doing the same act of adding unnecessary length to your essay even until your third paragraph. For instance, in the second sentence here, I would have phrased it as:  
  
*Technological development fulfills the hunger for discovery, making us realize that we are not alone.*  
  
Notice how you can get away with removing the first phrase without risking changing what you want to tell the readers about your essay. I would also suggest that you try to implement this strategy elsewhere in the essay where it's necessary.  
  
Best of luck.
There should always be a balance when it comes to constructing your sentences. While I generally advise people to evade complex structures (as a small denture can impact your essay greatly in terms of quality), if you are confident enough in these formats, you may do it.  
  
A mixture of both simple and complex sentences are what create effective, heart-pounding essays. This is ideally, of course. This is also assuming that one has already grasped the fundamentals of the language. I suggest playing around a bit until you find and land a rhythm that you are comfortable with. Once you do this, you will be able to write organically.  
  
However, please do note that the usage of redundant words does not equate to a complex sentence structure. A complex sentence structure can be interpreted in a multitude of ways. It would be up to you to decipher what this entails for you. But, if you were to ask me, I would opt that complex sentences wherein you try to correlate and integrate two separate clauses (or clusters of thought) in one sentence should always be reserved and kept at bay.  
  
Again, it really is a matter of preference in the end.