dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Try to focus less on the length of the essay / word count, and more on the avoidance of errors in your presentation. You have written too many words for this essay (332 words), which means you did not leave yourself enough time to review, revise the errors, and edit the content for clarity. You have clearly made several errors in the LR, GRA, and C&C sections of the scoring rubic. These errors, along with the improperly presented opening and concluding statements will prevent this essay from achieving a higher score.  
  
This is only a 4 paragraph essay. You only need to provide one explanation of the public point of view, then another paragraph for your personal opinion. That is done over 4 paragraphs. Only a 2 public point of view + personal opinion essay requires you to present a 5 paragraph essay.  
  
Use 1 reason for each paragraph that you can strongly discuss. Do not over discuss the essay as you did here. That will not serve a purpose. It only allows you to make more errors in your presentation. Until you train yourself to review your work prior to submission, you will not be able to avoid making these correctable errors. You must practice proof-reading your work so that you can score better, having revised the essay to avoid obvious scoring errors.  
  
There are several times in the presentation when you started the sentences with conjunctions. Do not make this a practice because that is a GRA error. You should never start a sentence with a connecting word as there is no thought to connect since what precedes the sentence is a period. That punctuation mark indicates the end of a sentence statement. If you want to use a conjunction, then use a comma to connect the sentences. However, you should not use a comma to connect 2 unrelated thought sentences. All sentences using a comma and conjunction must clearly have a discussion reason relationship.
***Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem***  
## To what extent do you agree with this statement

  
  
Nowadays, children tend to have an unhealthy life than in the past. In my opinion, I believe that because of the fast speed development of social technology which tempts most children away from their healthy lifestyle. And to me, parents and school might play a critical role in forming their children's lifestyles.  
  
Parents now are much busier than in the past. So, they rarely care about their children while they are the one who directly influences them and knows that they could remedy this situation. Instead of spending time playing healthy activities with their kids, they give them a phone to watch. Therefore, parents should spend their time and limit the time that children spend sitting down and should encourage them to take more exercise outside in the fresh air. For instance, the father could spend time playing sports with them at the weekend, and the mother could teach them how to take a balanced diet by providing a range of foods which include plenty of vegetables and fruit and only small amounts of fat. In this way, the kids learn to be responsible for eating habits and develop their physical  
  
School also plays an essential role because this is almost the second house in which their children absorb a large amount of knowledge. So, their place should be clean, and the teachers need to teach them the importance of a healthy life. In another way, schools also should provide them with regular exercise in their timetables, with activities such as physical education and compulsory sports.  
  
On the other hand, I think that governments and health authorities have a responsibility to teach people how to create a healthy lifestyle for children. This can be done, for example, by broadcasting programs about healthy eating on television, or by giving courses to new parents on how to bring up their children.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that parents and school, and governments are the main elements in children's lifestyle.
Are you sure you used a timer when you wrote this essay? You have 326 words, the essay is too long to write in 40 minutes if you aim to keep the presentation errors free. You also do not prove that you can quickly explain yourself, clearly in the English language. That is why there is a 3-5 sentence limit in every paragraph presentation. You also fell into the trap of using a conjunction at the start of the sentence, which will lower your GRA score. More importantly, and this error could actually prevent you from getting a passing score, you failed to respond to the direct question in the original prompt. Where is the "extent" response? There isn't any.  
  
*Question: To what extent do you agree with this statement  
Response: In my opinion, I believe that because of the fast speed development of social technology which tempts most children away from their healthy lifestyle. And to me, parents and school might play a critical role in forming their children's lifestyles.*  
  
Your opinion needs to be presented as a measured response such as "I disagree with this statement to the extent that both parents and schools play a critical role..." The on the other hand discussion is not required. It is not related to an extent response. You also need to avoid words of uncertainty that could make your opinion confusing or unclear to the examiner. phrases such as "might play" creates uncertainty and confusion for the reader. Might is an uncertain word and should not appear in a clearly written academic essay. The same goes for "In my opinion...". Saying "I believe" creates more clarity for the presented discussion.  
  
Having reviewed the overall essay, I can tell you that you have not presented the essay in the required format. Therefore, there is a distinct possibility that this essay may not get a passing score.
I assume that you have already completed the move from Vietnam to the USA. So you be saying : "... to the USA WAS a life changing experience." This is a basic grammar error that most ESL students make. This has to do with your lack of familiarity with past, present, and future tense usage. Watch out for that next time. For this essay, stick to the past tense usage such as "... I learned to adapt to..."  
  
Note how in the second paragraph, you finally start to use the correct tense usage, past tense. However, the references are still uneven (... time zone MADE me sick...). In the second paragraph, when you discuss the difference between cultures, make that a separate paragraph as that is not related to the physical adjustments you had to make. The rule is, one topic per paragraph.  
  
Avoid using conjunctions as sentence starters. The conjunctions like "because" need to connect a previous thought with another one. So using it at the start of a sentence in an academic presentation does not make any sense. There is no thought or idea to connect. The discussion about "In the beginning" should not be towards the end of the essay. That should be either the first or second presentation in this essay as it discusses the past yet again.
The table illustrates the figures of consumer expenditure by three categories in five different countries in 2002.  
It is clear that the largest proportion on consumer spending went on food,drinks and tobaco. On the other side, leisure and education category have the lowest percentage in the table.  
  
The table data clearly show that, the amount of consumer spending on food,drinks and tobaco was noticeably higher in Turkey at 32,14% than Ireland at nearly 29%. The proportion of spending on leisure and education was also highest in the Turkey at 4,35% while expenditure on clothing and footwear in Italy is significant higher at 9%.  
  
One more interesting thing to note that Sweden have the lowest percentage on food, drinks, tobaco and leisure, education which is on after another at nearly 16% and 3% whereas Spain is slightly higher in the proportion but the lowest data in leisure and education which is only 2%  
  
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You always aim to write more than just the required word count. 152 words is just not enough writing for you to get maximum scoring considerations overall. The most effective scoring presentation lies between 175-190 words. Aim for that next time. There is a lack of analysis in the presentation. Your sentences try to compress too much information in one sentence, forcing a lack of clarity in your discussion. It does not appear to properly analyze the provided information. Use the expected paragraph writing format at all times (3-5 sentences) so that you can get better scoring results. Clarity is the key to a good scoring Task 1 essay.
## $ per person for clothing in three different years

  
  
The bar chart describes how much money people in the US spent on distinct types of clothing in three years 1985, 1995 and 2005.  
It can be seen from the chart, women clothing was the highest expenditure all the times. In contrast, there was a stability of money spending on boys' clothes at the same time.  
  
Regarding children's clothing, the average money of spending on boys' clothes was equal to the figure for girls' clothes, about $150 between 1985 and 1995. However, after few years later, in 2005, girls' clothing was consumed more than boys' clothes, about $170.  
  
As for adult's clothing, the amount of money using for males' clothes was lower than for females' clothes. Although the average money spending on male clothing was quite catch up the figure for female clothing in 1995 with $420 and $430 respectively, there was a wide distance between the expenditure of men's clothes and women's clothes in 2005.  
  
Overall, what stand out from the chart is that the demand of women clothing was always highly requirement which pointed out from the most spending on in the previous years.  
  
<Thank you for viewing my report!!! Im looking forward to your assessments.>  
  
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Hello, I am a student, so this is my view point as a student. Hope it can help you, somehow.  
I think that you should list what kinds of clothes the bar chart mentioned as there are only four kinds shown here (for example, "how much money people in the US spent on four distinct/different types of clothing for boys, girls, men and woman...)  
  
"women clothing was the highest expenditure", this sounds weird to me, I think I will write it as "the expenditure of women clothing was the highest"  
  
"the average money of spending on boys' clothes was equal to ...". You may want to replace "equal" with another word, as from what I see from the chart, they are not exactly equal. You can write "nearly the same", "roughly equal"  
  
"after few years later, in 2005...". When you write "in 2005", that provides enough information, so the "few years later" can be vague and abundant. Furthermore, "consumed" used in this context seems weird to me. I think I will use "was bought" here.  
  
"the amount of money using for males' clothes"--> used  
"what stand out" ---> stands.  
.  
You may want to break your task 1 writing into 3 or 4 paragraphs.  
1. Introduce the chart, the measurement unit, the timeframe,...  
2. Overview. This paragraph usually starts with "Overall"  
3. Details  
4. Details (if there are the fourth paragraph)
You can present the information in any way that you want, as long as all of the information from the chart is present. You actually spread out the information in an effective manner. Your summary overview provided 2 different trending statements, which made the presentation interesting. However, you have a 3rd trending statement at the end of the essay. You should not have more than one trending statement per presentation. The main problem with your presentation though is the uneven length. While you did present more than the minimum word count, your paragraphs do not reflect the uniform 3-5 sentence requirements. Most of your paragraphs are long, run-on sentences. The lack of analysis development per paragraph is what actually pulls down the presentation score for this essay.
Please leave a comment on my writing task 1. I really need your help.  
  
## the export revenue of three crucial areas in Southland

  
  
The bar chart illustrates the export revenue of three crucial areas in Southland from 2000 to 2020, and the prediction for 2025.  
Generally, the sales for international tourism and dairy products experience upward trends since 2000 while meat products export has reduced gradually. It is forecasted by 2025, only the international tourism revenue continuously increases. The profits of both dairy and meat products, however, tend to steadily decline in the future.  
  
The tourism business has regularly increased to 9 billion pounds in 2020. However, while the sale of dairy products was comparatively low, about 7 billion pounds in 2000, it reaches a peak of 10 billion pounds presently. The meat products had a minimum sale of 6 billion pounds among the three areas in 2000. The trend has also decreased by half a billion pounds after 20 years.  
  
According to future projections, tourism revenue skyrockets to 10 billion pounds. Nonetheless, both sales of dairy and meat products witness a downward trend, with nearly 9 billion pounds and 6 billion pounds respectively.  
  
Thank you for your reading!!  
  
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Review your time references. You are talking about the current year of 2020 in the presentation. So that should be using the present tense reference :  
  
it reaches a peak of 10 billion pounds presently - It has presently peaked at...  
The tourism business has regularly increased to 9 billion pounds in 2020. - The tourism business increase to ...  
  
Then the future tense usage:  
... revenue skyrockets to ... - tourism revenue WILL skyrocket to...  
... sales of dairy and meat products witness - ... product WILL witness  
  
Use anticipatory references since the events and projects are yet to happen. Always remember to double check your time frame references because your GRA score will suffer when you do not use the correct time references. It produces incorrect grammar on your part. Review the lessons regarding what type of tense usage to use for various time frames. Practice sentence in relation to that will help you perfect that part of your writing.
The environment is changing at an accelerating speed. This is reflected in the fact that natural resources are increasingly consumed by people. Such situation can lead to many consequences and some actions must be taken to address these issues.  
  
The increase in consumption of the world natural resources can have negative impacts on lives of humans and other living creatures. Firstly, people have long relied on natural resources to meet their needs. The fast consumption of these resources is likely to cause serious conflicts among countries because of such issues as the dearth of coals, petrol, fuel. If wars occur around the Earth, lives of countless people will undoubtedly be lost. Furthermore, other animals are negatively affected. Many fish species, for example, are on the verge of extinction because people use modern equipment to catch a great number of fish irrespective of their sizes. This means that young fish have little chance of reaching adult stage when fish can reproduce back. Therefore, lives of people and many species would be in danger due to the overconsumption of natural resources.  
  
Nevertheless, there are some viable solutions to limit the negative effects of such event. It is vital that governments world-wide make full use of renewable energy sources, for instance, solar, hydroelectric powers. This measure can significantly reduce the human reliance on non-renewable energy. In addition, the government should introduce laws that require fishermen to catch adult fish only and return baby fish into the wild nature. Withs this legislation, the number of fish is likely to increase significantly enough to accommodate the rising needs of people around the globe.  
  
To sum up, the rapid consumption of natural resources can threaten lives of not only people but also other animals on the planet. These issues can be addressed if governments attempt to invest in utilizing renewable energy and implementing laws that boost the reproduction of animals in general.
Be conscious of your word count. While writing more than 300 words is admirable, it shows fast you can type, it doesn't necessarily translate into a good score for you. In this particular presentation, you have problems with the C&C scoring section along with the LR section of the presentation. In the LR section, you need to understand that in this type of discussion, adjectives that can add impact to your presentation can help increase the clarity and cohesiveness of your presentation. To further add to your sentence clarity, use simpler words whenever possible. While you do use somewhat advanced English word references, these words do not feel natural in the sentence. It looks more like you are trying to impress the examiner rather than actually aiming to simply make the sentence understandable. In some sentences such as:  
  
YV: This is reflected in the fact that natural resources are increasingly consumed by people  
BB: ... people increasingly consumes natural resources  
  
Indicating who the is doing the action is important to that the reader because it will indicate who or what you are referring to.  
  
You need to review your plural rules:  
  
is likely - are likely  
  
Your paragraphs should only contain one topic per paragraph reference for clarity purposes. It is the unrelated discussions in the same paragraphs that make your discussion non-cohesive. You have to present the second topic in a separate paragraph. If you review the first reasoning paragraph, you will see that you have over written the information. Once an essay has more than 1 topic per presentation, the reader will find it difficult to follow the flow of thought and understand what the actual point of the discussion is.  
  
Always use 3-5 sentences per paragraph for clarity and GRA purposes. Your concluding sentence is a run on. It has to be separated into individual sentences. Again, if you do not show that you are capable of writing proper English sentences, your GRA score will be greatly affected. Use the opportunity to highlight your usage of other punctuation marks as well. Just to show that you know how to create complex and simple sentences in a balanced manner, within the same paragraph.
## vocational education, university education or study abroad?

  
  
After finishing high school, there are many ways for students to choose, for example: vocational education, university education, to study abroad... Among them, university education is the most popular choice. So why is that? In knowledge-based society, parents all want their children to have good future, so knowledge is the best way. In order to not fall back in the developing word, especially in knowledge, the orientation right from high school is very important. During this time in university education, students will gain knowledge from general subjects to specialized subjects. The knowledge system from micro to macro, from theory to practice. After 4 years of university study, the students will build a solid knowledge base for themselves. Besides, there are many clubs on all aspects from Economics, Politics to soft skills in the university environment. The clubs are places where you can get acquainted with the seniors above, learn and experience to renew yourself, creating a foundation for a solid future. Through the above, we can summarize that higher education provide students with knowledge and skills needed to find work and an environment to accumulate knowledge about different fields.
"After finishing high school, there are ...": because it is the introducing sentence, I hope that you could make it more attractive  
  
" In knowledge-based society, parents ...": I think it is not enough persuadable  
  
"In order to not fall back in the developing ...": you just need to study? I want deeper.  
I think you just need to choose fewer ideas, but focus to analyze deeper. It will make your essay more valuable to read, because now I think it is so general.  
  
After finishing your essay, you could use grammar to check you Grammar again.
Did you write this essay for a Task 2 essay or for an English class? The presentation is really too short for a formal writing essay. It should be at least 250 words. You only wrote 189 words. That is equivalent to yes, only one paragraph. However, your paragraph is not effectively written as you combine various topics in one presentation. Such a confusing presentation makes it difficult for the reader to follow your train of thought. From the way I read your essay, you should have about 4 paragraphs for this topic. These 4 paragraphs should have been properly developed as individual paragraphs. Since the topics are not clearly discussed, your presentation is heavily under developed and requires further improvement.  
  
Kindly remember to post at least the type of essay you are writing for next time so that I can have a better idea of how to professionally review your presentation. Giving the original prompt requirement for my reference would be best. It will tell me all I need to know about analyzing your work beyond a simple review as I am doing now. By the way you have mistakes in spelling and grammar within this presentation. It isn't so bad though, I still understood what you have to say. It is just that, you will be scored on grammar in the actual test and even the least of errors can pull your score down.
## Sport is a big business and today

  
  
Topic: In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by prize money and the opportunity to be famous. What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves? Write an essay within 300 words on the topic above.  
  
**Answer:**  
Having throwback to the bygone days, it could be seen that sports competitions aimed to enhance sportsmanship and set a new world record rather than rewarding prizes and self-reputation. This essay will present the influence of this phenomenon on the young generation as well as the whole world of sports.  
  
To commence with, sports matches had been special occasions on which athletes put enormous efforts to taste victory and reach a gold medal. Thus they were deemed ideal models of constancy and non-stop trying among teenagers. For instance, sportsmanship not only brightened up children who are disabled or suffering from serious mental problems but motivated them to make their dreams come true as well.  
  
Contrary to these days, people invariably take notice of a great amount of money that winners and runner-ups reward after a sports league. As a result, their luxurious and flashy lives are increasingly becoming the hottest and most controversial titles in the newspaper every day. Apparently, the original value of sports champions is gradually obliterated in people's mindset.  
  
Moreover, the sports industry is being commercialized as the result of paying much higher salaries and satisfying demands for sports stars. Firstly, in order to have enough expenditure to afford normal activities, organizers have to boost their profit by forming leagues. Consequently, that ticket price is utterly increased and more and more commercial advertisements are added during the intervals of matches becomes usual. Therefore, it will lose audiences' interest in sports and make them under the misapprehension that enjoying sports is solely for the wealthy class. Also, we are accustomed to transference contracts related to athletes between influential clubs all over the world. Hence, players are getting more competitive and dominant rather than devoting the best performance for audiences so that they can achieve certain fame and merits.  
  
In conclusion, sport commercialization leads to a bad outcome for both young people and sports themselves. It particularly worsens the figure of athletes and causes detrimental effects to this entertainment industry in the long term.