dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Good discussion and points.  
  
There are few grammatical mistake which I would like to highlight:  
3rd paragraph:  
... as studying in ~~library and~~ libraries.  
  
4th paragraph:  
... sports activity as the libraries  
Investing ~~on~~  in sports activities ...  
  
5th paragraph:  
... in agreement ~~for~~  to  this ... as libraries ~~is~~  are  helpful ...
Hi, My name is Ridho. I'm doing self-study for IELTS test next year, thus I need your assistance badly.  
This is my very first writing on analyzing a graph.   
  
## graph analysis task

  
  
Instruction:  
1. What the graph shows  
a. What is the type of graph shown?  
b. What is the data?  
c. What are the units of measurement?  
d. is there a period of time?  
  
Language:  
a. Use the present simple  
b. Write one (or two if you wish) sentences to indicate what the graph is about  
  
My writing:  
  
This line graph shows a Million of Dirhams Dubai Gold Sales in 2002. Reaching peak sale in the first three months sale, Dubai gold experiences a fluctuation sale over the following months. However, Dubai gold sales ends in the same rate in which it starts.  
  
*
Ridho, you only wrote a summary overview in this essay. This is not the complete essay at all. I guess you are just trying to get your feet wet at this point so I will give you that. In the meantime, I will just respond to the questions that you have listed in your posting. I trust that you will be posting a more complete task 1 essay for review next time around.  
  
The instructions you were provided were meant to assist you in learning how to write the summary overview. You did a pretty good job at that. The summarized information is complete and allows you to create a clear discussion outline for the upcoming paragraphs. A word of advice though, since the year indicated is one that has already passed, you will need to use past tense instead of present simple tenses.  
  
I can't continue my review of your written work because you did not completely develop the essay for review. So, this is what you have to do next. Review the completed Task 1 essays at this forum in order to better understand the various methods of presenting the information. Learn from their mistakes. Then go and try to write your own complete Task 1 essay for review here. I assure you, you will get better and more complete help once you submit a full essay for review instead of just one paragraph that you wrote.
*Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmers (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).  
  
To what extent do you agree or not agree?*  
  
## Should high school students be forced to volunteer?

  
  
There are two viewpoints about that the community service in the high school should be built by a volunteer or compulsory system. In this essay I will discuss why I am taking the side of doing it compulsorily base on the experience on my own.  
  
Throw back to the time when I was a student, my dad want me to go to the private school although the expenditures is not affordable. They have a plurality of extra curriculum, which you can choose to join it such as basketball, baseball classes and so on. Most of them are general, but there is one special and really catch my eyes is Goodwill Ambassador, the purpose of this social club is "helping", which they and be the representative to do many things including working for charity, improving the environment of the neighborhood or helping the functional families. So I joined it because of curious.  
  
When it comes to the weekend I will take the bus to go school because that we did have a multiple type of contributions to do and aimed the different target group. Sometimes we will go to the functional family, or raising fund on the street side. Which impressed me the most is when I went to the lonely elderlies house, the eye when they see us to be accompany with them are so desirable after the talking with them a whole afternoon they are delighted as well. Sometimes we will take a bath for them or feed them if they are incapable.  
  
This kind of activity really helps me to complete my personality with hospitalist and kindness. Therefore, I can put myself to others shoes easier and even more understandable as well. I spend my own time without payment to do the things benefit this society feels good and makes me become a better person from helping others with no return. I strongly recommend that all the high school can design this kind of program for their students to be a better person and bring the society to a better future together.
@al50332 It is too bad that you fumbled the opening paraphrase and your essay is lacking a concluding statement. The body that you developed, which is based on your personal experience is one that would have helped increase the score of your essay, even with the problematic grammar. Examiners tend to score on the higher end when a test taker uses a personal experience for the body of paragraphs because, if it is really related to the prompt demands, as yours is, then this proves that you have a high ability to understand English instructions and also, you have the ability to present a proper defense of a related discussion based on the topic provided. Your whole essay would have gotten an average passing score if you had presented the opening statement as follows:  
  
*There are people who believe that high school students must be part of mandatory volunteer programs. Some of the activities that they recommend are volunteer work at charities, neighborhood improvement, or mentoring to younger children. I am in complete agreement with this line of thinking based on my own personal experience with the said program.  
  
When I was a high school student...*  
  
The above presentation would have tied in directly with your discussion paragraphs and hinted at a high level of English comprehension skills. The concluding statement should have reiterated the prompt, your main reason for approving of it, and then a sentence that repeats your approval of the reasoning.
Hi  
i have a suggestion about the whole style of writing an agree/disagree essay  
follow the (predicted) essay respond as follow  
in predicted style you should write five paragraphs  
first paragraph is introduction and structured as follow  
introduction paragraph contains a general statement related to the question respond, then transition and then your opinion  
in your introduction paragraph try to point out or predict about three major points of view to support your answers in body paragraphs.  
in the next step write three body paragraph as follow.  
in the first of body paragraph write a topic statement and then transition and then your reasons and examples  
the last sentence of each body paragraph should be a cause-affect sentence.  
and finally write the last paragraph as the conclusion by concluding your respond in the best way and with paraphrasing aforementioned issues.  
good luck.
## advancement and the society

  
  
Many people think that the progress is always good to everyone in many fields such as academic, technology, city development and so on.... I believe most of the time this viewpoint is right but in the other side there are so many controversial issues and problems should be cared more and solved immediately. If the progress keeps improving without any complementary measures or prevention in advance I would not support it goes too fast.  
  
For example there is a research that I read from Financial Time lately discussing pros and cons of sharing economy. Nowadays, if someone brings up this brand-new type of society phenomenon, some words might pop out in your mind right the way. The classic one is Uber.  
  
Uber expends so fast and the market value is boosted in a very short time. I believe the main reason has a strong connection with the high popularizing rate of using mobile phones and apps for the global citizen. Yes, mobile phone is very convenient for the younger generation. But the Elder one is being ignored i the process. They are too old to ride a motor or dive a car, so the only left option is calling a taxi to go the destination. Statistic speaking, there are no more then 20% cabs can be called by simply raise or wave your hands, which means you have to stand aside of the streets and under the sun over 15 minutes to catch an available taxi because of the rest of ones are being reserved by Uber or some other similar apps, maybe stand for a long time in a strict weather is not a big deal for a healthy elder but unhealthy one is the opposite. From the article of Financial Time there is a huge part of elders don't know how to call a taxi by apps or UBER, and it causes a serious problem especially in developed countries.  
  
I don't mean the progress is not good especially in this kind of society type which is every industry relying on technology. I strongly recommend every company when they are planning to build an empire, the social benefit for everyone no matter young or old, male or female should be considered into the corporate purpose and core value, otherwise the progress would not solve any problems but create more that is way I am not support it at some point.
@al50332 Please provide the original prompt that you are trying to respond to because I need it to base my observations of your essay on. I need to find out if you did anything right in the development of your essay response because at the moment, even without seeing the prompt, I can tell that there is a disparity within the discussion you presented and the original prompt you were provided for discussion. However, I cannot begin to point out the areas for improvement because I have no idea what the actual prompt you are responding to is. It is important that you always give me a copy of the complete prompt in its original form because that will always be the basis of the discussion advice that I will be giving you. At this moment, I can tell you that the paragraphs do not follow the proper 5 sentence maximum discussion requirement and you seem to be fixated on the discussion of particular technologies and business, based upon research, which will not do well for you in the actual test. I cannot direct you towards the proper response because you have not given me the original instructions for it. I hope that you can remember to deliver the original prompt the next time you post a practice essay. For now, I have to limit my observations and advice to what I have presented here.
Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?  
  
## English as the second language

  
  
To have the second language is important in 21st century especially the globalization is expanding so fast and accelerating non-stop. Besides the basic element to interact with others is to talk or to use body language. Since the developed countries such as the United State, UK, Australia and so on are sharing the same communication system, which is English. It's pointless to prove learning a second language is respectively important in the Eastern world.  
  
Do you remember how did you learn your original language at the first place? It is "imitating", no matter the accent, the up and down tones, the gestures when you are speaking are all came from imitating at the first step. But this is kind of hard to happen to an adult, but to children is a totally different story. Since children didn't build any sense of meaning of vocabulary yet, so you can observe that infants are all good at copying their parents' voice and sentence.  
  
By any chance, if you start to learn another language too late, your procedure of absorbing will be interfered by the original language that you have already learned. For example, there are huge different between Japanese and English, from the pronunciation to the construction of a sentence. The style and tones are not the same. Japanese prefer to speak politely, but the American keen to go straight forward. So when a Japanese is learning English in secondary school who will face a high entry obstacle for sure, because it is easy to be confused with the Japanese language logic he/she have already build.  
  
In conclusion, if children learn foreign languages as young as possible, they are able to establish the basic sense of languages in a natural way. Furthermore when they change the mode between original language and second language could be easier, besides that, they have a better chance to express themselves clearly with better foreign accent and tones. Children are better off beginning to learn a foreign language at primary school or even younger, rather than secondary school.
@al50332 Your opening paraphrase is off course, your discussion paragraphs do not follow the required information presentation, and you are basically, discussing a topic of your own design based on the original prompt. In other words, you did not write an essay that can be considered as passing because it totally separated from the original presentation and discussion expectations.  
  
The first paragraph is not in step with the instructions for discussing the Task 2 essay. The opening statement is required to represent your understanding of the prompt discussion, instruction, and presentation requirements. It is not meant for you to being a serious discussion of the prompt requirement, or what you thought the prompt requirement was. Since this is your first posting at this forum, I will assume that you are self-studying because you are nowhere near showing the capabilities of a person enrolled in IELTS review classes or even, a person preparing for the IELTS from books.  
  
Here is the proper format:  
  
Paragraph 1 - Paraphrasing  
Paragraph 2-4 body of paragraphs requiring evidence and supporting statements for your presentations.  
Paragraph 5 - Concluding summary of the discussion  
  
The paraphrase for this prompt is:  
  
*There are two professional ideas concerning learning a secondary language among children. The first idea is that they must learn the foreign dialect in primary school. The other idea, is that the training of a child in the use of a different language is best done in secondary school. As most experts believe in the prior idea, this essay will discuss why the advantages of this idea counterbalance its disadvantages.*  
  
From this personal paraphrasing, you should then begin to discuss the reasons why learning the language in primary school is far better than learning the language in secondary school. Unfortunately, none of your current discussions come anywhere near the expected line of reasoning so the essay will get a failing score.
## Sports flesh mob

  
  
Purposes of event  
On 9th September, our group took part in the sporting event, which was taking place in honor of the day of the worker of physical education. The purpose of our participation was to do aerobics in the morning and after that watch some interesting sports competitions.  
  
What we did  
Firstly, all the students took together in the gym. Then we were doing different exercises to the music for about half an hour. After getting tired we went on lunch. Fortunately, the weather was good, so we were able to watch some football matches in the afternoon. Everyone could take part in different competitions, so we decided to play tennis for a while.  
  
Comments  
The event went perfectly, because the activities we chose were very funny and active, which created an atmosphere of the ease, so we were able to become closer and make new friends. Actually, this event was a combination of useful and enjoyable things, because we were learning to work in a team and do something new. Also, in my opinion, it is important that we were doing sports together, which was very positive for our health. Everyone was enjoyed.  
  
the task was to write about one-day excursion and i do not know how to change this report( maybe i can add something
... taking place in ~~honor of the day of the worker of physical education~~.  
  
What does "worker of physical education" mean? Is the event in honor of a teacher, a profession, or a national holiday? Try to be more concise in your writing and clarify what you are talking about.  
  
Firstly, all the students ~~took~~got together in the gym. ~~Then~~ ..., we ~~were doing~~engaged in ... the music ~~for about half an hour~~. After ~~getting tired~~we got tired... Everyone around us participated in ~~could take part in~~ ~~different~~various competitions, ~~so~~and we decided to ...  
  
Your second paragraph has no logical conclusion. What happened after you played tennis? Did everyone leave? Be sure to mention this in your essay.  
  
Overall the essay has a solid definition on what you did, but the phrasing is a bit confusing.
Nastya, for starters, you can correct the title of the essay from Flesh Mob to "Flash Mob" which is what you meant to say. A Flash Mob is a large gathering of people performs a number in a public venue without prior announcement. A Flesh Mob, does not exist. It is not the appropriate term to use. When you present the date, never forget to include the year in the format because the reader needs to know if this is a current, immediate past, or previous event that took place. The activities that you discuss in the "What We Did" do not inform the reader as to whether the "Flash Mob" took place or not. If this was just a simple calisthenics event that you participated in and not an impromptu presentation, then change the title of the presentation. You could expand more about that portion by indicating how you participated in other events and how you mingled with the other people at the celebration. Your comments are acceptable. I am not sure about what other activities you did and what you experienced during that time so I am not going to say anything about how to improve that portion. That is something that is based on a personal opinion so I will accept what you said about the event.
**Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
## a tournament instead of war

  
  
That numerous tournaments held globally all year round is crucial in reducing international controversies and enhancing citizens to express their love for their nations securely. From my perspective, I completely agree with this idea.  
  
To commence with, one of the benefits that annual championships have is their profound impacts on easing disputes among countries. There are various worldwide commercial negotiations taking place every day and some leads to conflicts when two sides cannot reach an agreement. To resolve these political and economic issues, intercontinental tournaments are constantly held to boost globalization. World Cup is a justification for that. Not only does the host country can obtain opportunities to propagate its tourism and inhabitants, it is given a chance as the place of friendship and solidarity among nations. Briefly, seeing that the connection that every sporting competition can bring to us, peace remains.  
  
On the other hand, it is obvious that universal competitions can stimulate each athlete to try their best to compete for the honor of the country they come from. When a contestant is put in the competition with a large number of contestants from all over the world, he or she will have a tendency to perform in his or her best progress so as to be stand out from the crowd. For instance, the last part of each match in every competition is the national honor ceremony which can be done by playing national anthem song of the winner and thousands of audiences and spectators will witness the winner's flag gradually hung up to the top. To conclude, international sporting occasions is the time for the contribution and recognition of each individual as well as each nation to the better world.  
  
In conclusion, it is inevitable benefits that international tournaments can reduce conflicts among countries in every field. Besides, they are also the time for friendship and solidarity among individuals and nations.  
  
(315 words)
Dang, the above example is inaccurate and does not properly represent the prompt requirements in the paraphrased statement that you were expected to represent in the first paragraph. The problem with your presentation is that you did it in only 2 sentences, thus causing a confusing run-on sentence in the first part and a simplified but proper response to the prompt discussion question at the end. The more appropriate paraphrase is as follows:  
  
*The World Cup is one of the international sporting events that have an important function on the global stage. It is believed by most that the aforementioned event, along with some other international athletic affairs, promotes the easing of global contention as well as allowing a country's citizens to portray his love for his country in a controlled environment. I completely agree with this idea.*  
  
The key thing to remember when stating your opinion is that is must use the same keywords as the original instruction. So, when asked about the extent of your opinion, using the term "completely" indicates a clear understanding of the discussion question and will increase your score. Saying "in sync" does not provide an "extent" response and hence, would have decreased your score instead.  
  
You could have easily had a 3 body paragraph essay here, which would have further boosted your scoring indicators. When you discussed the first reason regarding the way that sports helps ease tensions among international business competitors, you should have stopped at the point about how international competition is held to boost globalization. Using the world Cup explanation in an expanded manner in its own paragraph would have created a longer and more accurate explanation on your part. The following should be presented as separate paragraphs:  
  
Reason  
Supporting Explanation  
Example  
  
Your concluding paragraph has potential. It needs to be expanded and improved in terms of delivering the summarized discussion of the essay at the end. You have the potential to write good essays that are bound to get a better than average passing score. You just need proper guidance in order to achieve that.