dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Thuy, are you reviewing for the IELTS on your own or are you taking review classes? The reason that I ask is because you have not taken the proper approach to developing the opening statement of your essay. It is a common mistake for those who are reviewing alone to begin their discussion of the topic immediately in the opening paragraph. That is not the correct approach. Let me start you off on a tutorial that lists down the 5 basic elements of an IELTS paragraph:  
  
1. The opening statement- contains a paraphrase of the original topic plus and outline of the upcoming discussion based on the prompt requirement. A thesis sentence is included at the end. No actual presentation of information or discussion takes place at this point.  
  
2. Body paragraph - details the first discussion point relevant to the essay.  
3. Body paragraph - represents an additional discussion point for the given topic.  
4. Body paragraph - usually a personal opinion that supports the previous paragraph.  
5. Concluding statement- a summary of the previous discussion and reiteration of the thesis statement.  
  
You made mistakes in the opening statement and concluding paragraph in terms of discussion content. The body of paragraphs are informative, but still contain some marked errors that will result in a lower score being considered for your essay by the people concerned.  
  
Another common error that exists in your essay relates to the sentence development. Each paragraph requires a standard of 3-5 sentences in order to meet the minimum and maximum sentence development representation per paragraph. The number of sentences in a paragraph normally allows the test taker to prove his English language skills in relation to GRA and C&C considerations.  
  
Don't get me wrong, the essay that you wrote is good. It just has formatting and content problems because it is your first attempt at writing this essay. If you note my advice above and apply it to your future essays, your practice scores will improve and you will most likely pass the actual test. I look forward to guiding you up to the time when you take the test.  
  
P.S. - Please include the full original prompt that you are responding to the next time you post a practice test here. If I know what the total instructions are, I can give you more relevant and accurate advice regarding your writing development. Thanks.
1) Your first sentence is irrelevant.  
2) I do not think you can count your experience.  
3) It is a must to paraphrase your the topic first, then write down your opinion.  
4) Who wish to seek new experience?  
5) Feel + adj.  
6) Curious about st.  
7) You do not join an activity, you practice/ engage in/ participate in/ join in the activity.  
8) 'Scary' is not a noun, mate.  
9) 'Dangerous sports' is repeated several times. Change the word.  
10) comfortable and happier mood => sounds inappropriate.  
11) showing themselves => show what trait of them?  
12) Generally, you have the ideas, but the problem here is that you do not fully address the topic. One body paragraph must have a topic sentence showing your opinion, 2 or 3 sentences to explain further (you can add examples if needed). Your conclusion is not clear enough, too.  
  
13) You do not use a wide range of vocabulary flexible structures.
@Holt  
Hello Mary Rose, Thank you very much for your feedback. It is really detail and useful to my study. I am studying IELTS on my own, so I really need your help. Thank you again.  
  
@Danstand  
Hello Danstand. Thank you very much for your help. It is really useful to me. I will help you in return@ Serena11  
  
@tran14  
Hello Tran, Thank you very much for you help. It helps me a lot.
**The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## England's electricity essay

  
  
The graph illustrates English's usage of electricity during summer and winter's ordinary days. Meanwhile, the pie chart compaes the purposes that this energy is used for in a typical household in England. As can be seen in the illustrations, electricity is used for mainly 4 sections of devices with the amount of which is significantly higher in winter than in summer.  
  
In winter, people tend to consume electricity up to 48000 units, the highest rate of the entire season, in 22 hours while there is just more than 30000 units of it is used in approximately 8 hours, which is, in contrast, the lowest point of the time. On the other hand, the highest and lowest figures for summer are 20000 units in 13 hours and 12000 in 9 hours respectively.  
  
Consumers seem to use the energy mostly to manipulate heating systems. Such activity accounts for more than a half of the chart. On the contrary, lighting/ TV/ radio sector makes up just 15%, being equal to vacuum clearners/ food mixers/ electric tools section.  
  
**I will be utterly grateful if you score my essay too.**  
  
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Tran, there are two types of measurements provided for you to summarize. The instructions state that you must make comparisons where relevant as an additional discussion. All I see in the essay that you wrote are individualized summaries of the graph and chart. The comparison part was omitted in your essay. That is one major point deduction for your essay. Next, each paragraph is just composed of run-on sentences instead of individualized sentences that create a point of understanding for the reader. Since you are expected to write in complete paragraphs, expect some major points loss for this oversight as well. Finally, you decided to take too many shortcuts with your discussion. There was a failure for you to use all of the important numerical data provided in both images. At the rate your essay messed up, there may not be any score left to give you. You can probably get a score of 4 at the most for this essay. I am not sure why you performed this way in the creation of this essay. I had hoped to see some marked improvement on your part by now that would have resulted in at least a 6 score for your essay work.
**Q. Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## The role of competitive sports in school curriculum

  
  
It is undeniable that sport brings vast amount of advantages to both the society and individuals including competitive ones. However, some argued that combative sports should be left out from the school curriculum. Though such kind of sports would be quite aggressive, I tend to totally disagree with this view.  
  
To begin with, it is truism that competitive sports may be a little aggressive and combative, but the nature of such games brings several benefits to the students. Firstly, they could increase ones' passion and desire to win a certain match. In other words, student with sport spirit seem to be more willing to accept the challenges like exams, tasks, and so on. Secondly, as combative sports are quite hard to win especially with a skillful opponent, strategies become imperative and decisive factor, thus, they have to brainstorm to knock out the opposite team. Eventually, the practice of finding ways to defeat an opponent or to solve a problem becomes their second nature which would be useful skill not only in school tasks but in real life to tackle difficulties.  
  
On the other hand, opting out such sport programmes from teaching categories would cause negative consequences to a certain extent. It is widely accepted that today's world is highly competitive especially in economic sectors, hence, more mentally and physically strong people are needed who have to be trained since in school. If not, a country's economy would not reach its potential and to the worst, that country would have a high chance to be influenced by other nations in terms of political, social and military. Another drawback is that potential talented athletes in a certain competitive sport would never be sprung up because school, the best place for ones to realize their true potential, would not have place for such sports.  
  
To conclude, although some claimed that competitive sports should be removed form school curriculum, it is undoubted that their role is still as important as other sports and subjects. Therefore, I am convinced that those kinds of sports should be present in the school curriculum.
Mao, good work on this essay. You showed a good understanding of the prompt requirements and offered some keen insight into the reasons that you disagree with the opinion of the original statement. It would be best though if you used more negative supporting terms at the start of your paragraphs in order to remind the reader that you support the opposing point of view. Terms such as "I disagreed with this opinion because..." for the first paragraph then for the second, you could have opted to use a more proper and supporting term such as "Another reason I oppose the removal of combative sports in school is..." Another option would have been to say, "While the opposing side believes that, I am of the opinion that..." These terms all work to strengthen your point of view in the essay. Good wrap up in the concluding paragraph. Excellent work. You should have gotten some pretty good marks in the various sections for scoring in an actual setting had this been the topic assigned to you.
**Q) Please help me to evaluate this writing task**  
  
**The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purposes in six areas of the world.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
Write at least 150 words.**  
  
  
## Purposes for using water

  
  
The given pie charts show the comparison of water usage for three important purposes in six different regions around the globe namely: North America, South America, Europe, Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia.  
  
Overall, in four out of the six areas, the agricultural part has taken the highest percentage of water usage comparing to the industrial and domestic sectors. While both Europe and North America have consumed almost half of their water for manufacturing purposes.  
  
In particular, in regions like Central Asia, Africa, South East Asia, and South America, they have accounted for over 70 percent of the water usage in cultivation, with 88%, 84%, 81%, and 71% respectively. Whereas both Europe and North America each have accounted for 39% and 32% of water consumption in the agricultural sector. On the other hand, the domestic use has the lowest average of nearly 12 percentage of water consumption in the whole of the six areas combined. In South America, the household usage of water took the biggest part among the rest of the six regions with only 19 percent, while in continents like Africa and Asia both have accounted for 9% and 7% respectively. In addition, after examining the data domestic use in the pie charts of both Europe (15%) and North America (13%), it is easy to notice that they have striking similarities in the three sections.  
  
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Abdul, your summary overview must include the type of measurement being used in the pie charts (percentages) and the three types of usage being presented. Remember, the overview summarizes the content of the pie chart and the vital information that will be discussed in the essay. This is a highly important part of the TA score. The more complete the summary, the higher your score in the end.  
  
The essay needs to have 3-5 bodies of paragraph. The most ideal presentation has 4 paragraphs in it. This essay could have easily presented the ideal format if you had separated the third paragraph at the part that said , "On the other hand", because that phrase signifies a change in discussion topic, hence a new paragraph is required for that presentation.  
  
Your connected paragraph sentences represent only 2 lines. You need to present at least 3 lines / sentences in order to be properly scored in the C&C section of the essay. If you manage to present 5 sentences, you will increase the possibility of your using more complex sentences, that could result in a higher GRA score for you.  
  
This is not a bad presentation. It just needs to be improved in order to better your chances at a higher final score.
Sage, I don't get the point of this research paper. The extremely ill formatted opening paragraph does not contain any thesis statement. It is just a bunch of information that doesn't really create a direction for the paper. Nor does it contain any information that would tell me, as the reader, what this paper will be all about. Here is a suggestion, rather than just throwing together a bunch of ideas onscreen and hoping that it will come together, why don't you try to outline the paper first. That way you can review this collection of information and then decide which goes and which stays for your research paper.  
  
The most important part of the research you have to come up with first, is the thesis statement. So make that the topmost part of your outline. From there, pick out the relevant information from this draft and position them in the outline according to relevance and importance in the presentation. Don't forget, these should represent the main and sub-topics of your research.  
  
From that point, you should be able to better assess your information on hand in relation to your thesis statement. You have some pretty solid information in this draft. They just don't make any sense at the moment. Proper positioning, in response to the questions that your thesis statement hopes to provide answers to will help a lot in this instance.
**Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
## international games benefits and drawbacks

  
  
One of the most debatable issues of the last century has been whether or not well- known occasions like the football World Cup and other international sporting events are crucial in decreasing stress as well as releasing patriotic emotions in a secure method. Many arguments have been made for and against this idea. In this essay, I will discuss both views and state my own position.  
  
On the one hand, there are various reasons why people believe that sports events could bring benefit for people. Firstly, they will bring up the world peace as well as patriotism. It is obvious that besides political, sports occasions are other aspect that facilitate people to feel patriotic unity. For instance, in international tournaments, athletes from numerous countries will join in not only to show their passion about sports but also to compete with others. By participating in such competition, athletes will understand each other deeply and tighten the international relations. Apart from it, wars and conflict between nations are also stopped and set aside. Instead of keeping hostile attitude, international occasions bring nations together, at least temporarily, and interrupt battles. They forget their differences, compete pacifically and even embrace each other after an even. South and North Korea have proved the truth of that. In fact, after World War II, more and more arguments between those countries, but thanks to international games, people accept agreements to end their disputes and live peacefully. Additionally, it is also a chance to provoke an amazing feeling to play with best effort and win the pride for their country.  
  
In spite of these argument, I believe that there are several negative aspects of international events. To begin with, Is is normal to have a small fight in a game; however, it could become a significant fight against as athletes cannot manage their temperament. As a result, relations between not only from fans of two teams but also two countries could be strained. Furthermore, it cannot deny the vital role of fans in national unity, but some sports supporters when patriotic emotions are too high, they will explode it in am aggressive way. In addition, discrimination also happen , especially as a team is defeated. In fact, when a squad, representing for a nation is lost, it will be discriminated not only by other nations but also by residents from their country.  
  
In conclusion, while there are convincing arguments on both sides of the debate, I believe that international games are necessary since its benefits overweight the drawbacks.  
  
**Please score my essay as well**
Anh, there is a clear disconnection between what the original essay instructions are and what you are discussing in the essay. Please note that the original instruction for the discussion indicates:  
  
*To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?*  
  
Rather than presenting an extent of (dis)agreement with the statement, you chose to instead:  
  
*discuss both views and state my own position.*  
  
Compare the two instructions. Do you see how different your approach to the essay is? Due to the fact that you did not discuss the essay in the manner that was instructed, this essay will only get one possible score in the TA section, 1. As such, the rest of the scoring criteria need not be considered anymore. You will get an automatic fail due to the fact that you created your own prompt instructions and discussed that rather than the representing a response to the original task assigned for discussion.  
  
This is not a comparison essay. This is a single opinion essay. Your grave mistake just cost you the test. You are lucky that this is just a practice test. You can still redeem yourself and perhaps pass the future practice tests provided you take the time to really understand the original instructions and then represent its requirements in your response essay.
Please help me check this essay!  
  
Topic  
**As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing.  
What factors contributes to job satisfaction?  
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?**  
  
## job working life appreciation

  
  
Essay  
It is true that working occupies major time in human lives, and job satisfaction plays an important role in individual happiness. In my opinion, there is a wide range of factors affecting job satisfaction; therefore it is quite unrealistic to make all workers satisfied.  
  
Even though people differ from others in terms of what they require in job, there are several factors contributing to a satisfying working life. Firstly, some people don't care much about what professions they are pursuing as long as their salary are high enough to allow them to meet their survival needs and enjoy life outside work. Secondly, personal relationships and atmosphere in workplace are extremely important for others. For example, having friendly colleagues accompanied with an inspirational and instructive manager can make they receive higher levels of satisfaction. Finally, many people's job satisfaction derives from their professional achievement, such as the experiences they gain, the skills they enhance and the position they reach.  
  
Due to these diverse factors I mentioned above, I believe gaining job satisfaction from all workers is quite impractical. Obviously, people have different purposes when working and it is hard to meet all of their demands at the same time. If a person desires to work in the creative environment, for instance, a company which has strict regulations and principles won't be able to give he or she enough motivation. Furthermore, there are many people with different characters working at the same workplace, having conflict is inevitable; as a result, some suggestions which are approval by someone could be unacceptable for others. However, although it is unlikely that all workers feel happy in their work, some measures can be carried out to improve job satisfaction in any job.  
  
In conclusion, there are several elements people can do in order to have a satisfying job working life, but this is by no means to fulfill every people's satisfaction.  
  
Thanks a lot!!!
Annie, you misunderstood the last question in the prompt. The question relates to whether or not an employee can find job satisfaction based upon a preset criteria. You presented the response in your opening statement as having employers try to provide job satisfaction to the employees. Those are two hugely different sets of criteria and sadly, your interpretation is the wrong one. In fact, your overall opening statement was placed into error because of this misunderstanding of the last question. The more appropriate opening statement would have been:  
  
*Job satisfaction is considered to be one of the important elements of an adult's well being at work. As such, it is believed that these workers have specific job requirements that need to be fulfilled in order to allow the worker to gain a sense of job satisfaction. The problem, is that there may be some difficulty when it comes to fulfilling job satisfaction criteria for workers in a real setting. This essay will discuss the factors that contribute to job satisfaction and whether or not these factors can realistically be achieved by employees in the workplace.*  
  
If you want to create a strong body paragraph, do not list your discussions in numerical order in a single paragraph. You need to individually discuss those points in separate paragraphs. Since you are limited to only 5 paragraphs, with 5 sentences each, that will not be a wise thing to try and do within 30 minutes. Your essay will receive a better score if you focus on discussing just one job satisfaction criteria, one that you think is the most valid, within one paragraph.  
  
The remaining 2 bodies should then discuss the remaining questions being posed by the original prompt. Those questions relate to the possibility of creating the job satisfaction scenario in the workplace, and if it can truly be achieved in the modern day workplace. If you think it can be achieved, then explain why. If you think it can't, provide reason why you think it won't be possible. Those are the proper methods by which to discuss the essay instructions.  
  
Try to expand on your concluding statement. Make an effort to deliver at least 3 sentences in your concluding summary statement so that you will have a better chance of gaining a higher C&/c score. The only requirement of that part of the scoring criteria is that you write an understandable complete paragraph. That is best done within 3-5 sentences. Show off your English writing skills as best as you can. Don't limit yourself to just one or two sentences per paragraph. Take advantage of the advised number of sentences per paragraph whenever you can.