dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
***These days, more fathers stay at home and take care of their children while mothers go out to work.***  
## What could be the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

  
(IELTS WRITING TASK 2)  
  
In this modern era, more and more men are in charge of household chores while their partners earn family income. This essay will elucidate the causes of this trend. Furthermore, from my perspective, this is overall a negative trend.  
  
To commence with, there are two major reasons for the stay-at-home father trend. The first reason worth mentioning is the constant efforts of women and society to change old-fashioned thinking. To be more specific, in the past, men were the ones who made the house while women made the house. However, thanks to feminism and advancements in education, women nowadays can serve in every field even in ones that used to be dominated by men namely the military, politics, and manufacturing. Secondly, with the popularity of online work and the advent of technology, men may choose to stay at home and spend more time on their families and housework. As a result, they can either make money to nurture their families or have quality time with their children.  
  
From my point of view, this trend may have adverse effects on not only children but also the whole family. The first demerit is that children will be neglected for the lack of adequate love and care from their mothers. It is common knowledge that women have natural instincts to provide their children with comfort and care. However, men may struggle to meet the needs of their children either in terms of patience or emotional support. Consequently, a child's growing up will be affected in one way or another. The second disadvantage is that the quality of life of women and their families might be influenced by financial burdens. For example, in Hanoi, each person may earn 8 million dongs a month on average. Hence, women who are the sole breadwinner may find it hard to raise their families while the prices of oil, tuition fees, and food are rising at an unprecedented rate. In this way, the trend might lead to various consequences for the family.  
  
All the information provided creates a concrete foundation that because of changes in thinking and advancements of women, fathers tend to resign from the breadwinner role to take care of their family and their spouses go out to make money. For these reasons, I believe this would be a negative trend if women do not share the duties of bringing up their children with their husbands and women are the sole breadwinners in their families.
Since the term "partner" is gender neutral, and the original reference is gender specific, the writer should use a gender specific alternate word as well. The term "partner" may be used but with the specific gender mention included due to the existence of same sex marriages, which could confuse the reader. So "female partner" or "female spouse" would be most acceptable in this case. Do it just to make sure the LR scoring considerations are properly met and that the C+C reference will not be altered.  
  
I am puzzled as to why the writer did not clearly respond the the provided questions. His direct response to both would have been the basis for his opinion and thesis presentation. A move that would have boosted his preliminary TA score. Such score boosts can only be achieved early on with the proper development of the thesis presentation. Doing so bring the clarity of the writer's opinion and the reasons for it immediately into focus. Resulting in an impressive summary discussion presentation. What is the reason for the negative belief? The opinion is not clearly pre-stated.  
  
The actual discussions are impressive but extremely long. The writer has a tendency to use sentence fillers rather than actual information. The essay need not be too long. Using fillers does not improve the scoring consideration and could even result in lower scores because the paragraph will take too long to get to the point and lack in clarity due to the focus on an increased word count.
## the use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society

  
  
It is argued that the increase of technology, especially social media, is becoming the replacement for directly communication all over the world. This essay will give the reason why the advantages of this outweigh the drawbacks. The essay will demonstrate that the ability to communicate irrespective of geographia boundaries and getting up-to-date information, followed by an analysis of how the prime disadvantage namely losing social skill is not valid.  
  
Social media helps member of public with communication from far distance. In the internationalization world, the number of global citizen who live in a different country is increasing dramatically. Therefore, remaining contact with friends and relatives is becoming a problem, which can be solved by social media. For example, an app like Facebook or Skype definitely do wonders for human life via connecting different parts of the world through the Internet. Furthermore, technology surely come into useful since it can be a means of communication, which provided us with latest information. Thanks to the Internet, we can have an insight about the world as well as the things that happened around us. Take the devastation at Iteawon, Seoul this Halloween as an example, via the support of social media, the victim's family will have a better grasp about the situation and urgently contact with their relatives, who are living in Korean.  
  
In the other hand, those opposed to this reckon that social media is the prime reason for losing social skills as we are not directly interact with people. However, there is actually no evidence to support this view and skills related to social has remained unchanged. Moreover, some can acquiring more skills than ever before. For instance, children attending online lessons instead of going to school can learn about the communication skill through several activities conducted by the teacher as well as team work. Moreover, this increase the likelihood that they will master the Information Technology skill, which has been proven vital for those who live in a develop world.  
  
On balance, the fact that technology brings people the opportunities to stay in touch with others despite the great distance and provides the society with latest news clearly outweigh the argument that this impairs their social skills.
The writer definitely understood the writing requirements and the point of view to be provided. However, the question is "Do YOU" not "Does the essay". Since the essay is incapable of writing itself and is reliant on the point of view, opinion, and explanation of the writer, he should take his cue as to the pronoun usage and general representation to be used in writing. There is a need to predominantly use the first person pronoun in the explanations. From the writer's opinion to the explanation paragraphs, these should be flooded with "me, myself, and I" references to clearly indicate the writer's opinion as required. Yes, the fact that the writer is being asked "Do you think" means he should show that he clearly supports this opinion presentation since a general point of view is not required. So the writer's restatement was good but it would fail to get a passing score in terms of writer's opinion presentation. it lacked proper sentence referencing and was too wordy to be clear enough in its representation of opinions.  
  
There is no "on the other hand" and "on the balance" discussion for this essay. Mainly because it is requiring a direct supporting response to a single opinion question. Therefore, the lack of clarity on the part of writer and his prompt deviation will result in a failing score. There is a prompt deviation because the original question was:  
  
*DO YOU THINK THE ADVANTAGES OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?*  
  
Therefore, there was no need to explain:  
  
*The essay will demonstrate that the ability to communicate ... skill is not valid.*  
  
Notice how the question was only an A v. D response but the writer decided to explain how a particular skill reference is not valid? That is the prompt deviation that will result in a failing score because the writer did not answer the question being asked. He did not follow the writing instructions. His ability to understand English instructions are clearly non-existent, resulting in the incorrect response.
These are my comments:  
- I reckon the opening should be shorten and more straightforward  
- I think it must be "on the other hand"  
- In the example of Itaewon, i think you use the wrong tense, it should be past simple tense instead of future tense  
- Moreover, some can ~~acquiring~~ acquire more skills than ever before. (check grammar carefully)  
- Moreover, this ~~increase~~  increases/ will increase the likelihood (...) for those who live in a ~~develop world~~ (you can use "modern world")
## the growth of urban population

  
  
The given bar chart depicts the increase in proportion of people living in urban in Africa, Asia, Caribbean and the whole world in the year 1950, 2000 and gives prediction for the year 2030.  
  
Overall, the growth of population in all given area rose dramatically from 1950 to 2000 and is expected to increase in 2030. In addition, the number of Caribbean's residents who stayed in the cities accounted for the highest percentage, while the figure for Africa was the lowest.  
  
In 1950, there was more than 40% of population in Caribbean lived in metropolitan area, while the proportion of urban African and Asian was enormously low, at 11% and 14% respectively. By contrast, the figure for the whole world was 30%, slightly lower than Caribbean but far higher than other areas. After five decades, Caribbean experienced a significant increase in the number of urban citizens to 70% in 2000, compared to 48% of the whole world. It was also noticeable that the percentage of Africa and Asia inhabitants living in urban areas went up dramatically, at nearly 38% for each.  
  
Over the next 30 years, four given areas are expected to continue the upward trend. Caribbean urban population is predicted to be the highest, with 80%, 20% higher than the figure for the whole world. Additionally, there are predictions of an increase in the number of Africa and Asia metropolitan residents, at 51% and 57% respectively.  
  
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The writer continues to show a problem with developing individual thought presentations for his sentences. For some reason, he believes that writing run-on sentences and combined idea sentences will increase his overall score. That will do the exact opposite because the writing becomes confusing, difficult to follow, remember, and understand. There needs to be a target idea for every sentence. That means, compressing the information will not achieve the target C+C and GRA scores. Until he learns to use the sentence formats properly in every paragraph, the C+C and GRA problems will continue to lower his final score.  
  
He does a good job of understanding the essay. I will praise him for that. The problem is in the way he transfers that information to his readers. He cannot expect to get a strong score based on the major scoring sections if he continues to use the incorrect sentence and paragraph formats for his reports. He may refer to the previous reviews I left in his prior essays to get a clearer idea of the continuing errors in his writing.
## The line chart illustrates the debris created by three companies from 2000 to 2015.

  
It is clear that there has been a dramatic change in the amount of waste across all three companies. Between 2000 and 2015, the amount of waste produced by companies A and B decreased, while in contrast, that produced by company C significantly increased.  
  
In 2000, the waste output of company A was 12 tonnes, which was three times as much as that of company C. At the same time, company B created about 8 tonnes, which was in the middle of companies A and B. In the next five years, the waste production of company A declined slightly from 12 to 11, while the amount of waste produced by companies B and C witnessed a sharp rise.  
  
From 2005 to 2015, there was a rapid decrease in the waste output of companies A and B. On the contrary, company C produced much more waste production in this period. In 2015, the waste output created by company C rose rapidly, while the amount of waste produced by companies A and B went down significantly.  
  
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The student is not familiar enough with the English language to realize that there is a tremendous amount of word meaning difference between waste and debris:  
  
Waste - trash, rubbish, discard, unusuable residue  
Debris - the remains of anything broken down or destroyed; ruins; rubble  
  
As such, the writer will be understood to have misinterpreted the topic as provided in the image. He must remember that word usage is heavily scored under the LR section. Therefore, he must use words based on accurate meaning rather than only synonym reference. Basing word usage on synonym usage alone could result in word usage errors such as this one.  
  
The writer might also want to further develop his sentence structuring skills to include the usage of more varied punctuation marks to increase his GRA score. That is limited in this case by the interchangeable use of a comma and period only. This also reflects the lack of proper sentence variation in the presentation.  
  
Good work on the reporting paragraphs though. The information is clear and easily understandable. Unfortunately, just having a good C+C score will not increase the overall / final score of the data analysis presentation.
***Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behaviour. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.***  
  
## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

  
  
Opinions are divided on whether foreign tourists should behave in accordance with local culture or the native country should embrace other cultures. Although adapting local lifestyle could help people gain enormously, I think that cultural diversity should be prioritized.  
  
On the one hand, many people claim that complying with local customs and behaviour may generate more significant benefits. To begin with, visitors can broaden their knowledge about the world. This is because of their precious opportunities to immerse themselves in exotic practices of native residents. Besides, it could help people avoid misunderstandings or inappropriate behaviors. For example, in Vietnam that people must not wear revealing clothes in places of worship because of disrespect, which is relatively familiar to Western visitors.  
  
On the other hand, it is believed that multicultural environment brings a wide range of advantages to both host country and its residents. By embracing new cultures, the country could gain friendly and tolerant impression. As a result, it may be offered a prospect of increasing foreign tourists, thereby boosting the national economy. Meanwhile, cultural differences could lead to innovation, which benefits the local. Accordingly, exposure to modern thoughts may result in new customs being adopted and backward ones being abandoned.  
  
In conclusion, both sides of the argument have its merit. However, it seems to me that it would be more advantageous if nonnative travelers follow their own cultures.
The student is merely repeating the same errors using different prompt topics. This is his 3rd essay posted here that does not show any signs of improvement as the same errors keep coming up, just with different discussion topics. As I have previously given him improvement advice and instructions (in his first ever post at this forum), based upon my teaching style, that helps all the students who listen to and learn from me, I can sense that he does not receive my criticism constructively nor does he wish to consider my advice for his improvement. Which is why I am surprised he would continue to participate in this forum considering he does not regard my advice important enough to use for his writing improvement.  
  
Since he does not wish to learn from me, he may leave this forum with my best wishes. If he believes I should be reviewing his work based on his actual tutor's teaching style, he has another thing coming. I cannot review essays and give improvement advice based on the teaching style of someone else. He should have that tutor review his work and advice him on improvements instead. He cannot learn from 2 different teachers for the same test. He will only succeed in failing the test if he confuses himself too much due to conflicting writing lessons.
***Children should be strictly controlled, this asserts by some parents and teachers. Others disagree.***  
## Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.

  
  
Opinions are divided on whether some parents and teachers should strictly manage children. While many people argue that it could be better to put children under control, I myself believe that it is essential for children to behave without regulation.  
  
Supporters of this suppose that the supervision of parents and teachers may be beneficial for their children. They could provide children with proper educational methods and good orientation. This is because they are not only richly experienced but also well-qualified. Therefore, children could be prevented from bad habits as well as meet the standards of behavior. For example, they may not cheat in exam as being learned lessons about honesty from adults.  
  
On the other hand, their control may trigger substantial drawbacks on children. To begin with, parents and teachers tend to cope with the prospect of their children being unconfident and passive in their work and life due to being over dependent on others. As a consequence, they could never go out of their comfort zone and obtain crowning achievement. In addition, negative reactions can be provoked when children are not allowed to do what they desire. In the long run, they could develop anti-social behaviours such as violence, alcohol abuse, bullying and so on.  
  
In conclusion, both sides of the argument have its merit. However, from the above analysis, it seems to me that it will be better if children are not under supervision of parents and teachers.
It is difficult to decide where to begin with the review of this failing score essay. Do I start with how the prompt restatement is incorrect and incomplete? Maybe I should start from the incorrect response format? Or perhaps the way the writer does not properly represent his personal opinion / point of view in the essay? Where do I start? I guess simply stating the errors as I did in this paragraph would be one way to kick this off. He can easily spot these errors and correct them based on the original prompt discussion presentation.  
  
How can I offer advice to a student who did not listen to the first set of improvements that I suggested he makes to improve his writing for this type of prompt the first time? Perhaps he has another tutor who is teaching him how to write his essays? Which is why he completely disregarded the first set of advice I gave him to help him better address this prompt format. In which case, I cannot help him because he is getting confused by the two different writing styles being taught to him. It is not that I am a bad adviser, it is that the student is confusing himself by using too many teachers.
## Children today play very violent games.

  
***This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world.  
What are your opinions on this?***  
  
It is argued that the high number of violence and crime is due to violent games played by kids nowadays. This essay totally agrees with this statement. I believe that children's behavior and providing care by the parents play an important role in this problem.  
  
Firstly, playing games at an early age could constitute their behavior. The fact that children learn by what they see and they will mimic that action without thinking about its consequences, this is called "instinct". Therefore, letting kids play violent games could distort their perception and could push them into delusion about violence such as killing, murder, and shooting,... According to BBC, a renowned television program, it is approximately 55% of the number of crimes last year derived from people who think they were playing violent games in real life.  
  
Secondly, it is vital that parents should spend more time with their children. Living in the metropolis is harsh, it makes people spend more time earning money rather than playing with their kids. As a result, parents often let the kids play games to entertain and find happiness with their friends. In the long run, they will adapt to this and might be addicted to playing games; it will become one of their hobbies. There is a lesson that prevention is better than cure, if parents play with their children and take care of them more often, the children will not have the chance to do wrong things.  
  
In conclusion, the number of violence and crime in most metropolis of the world increases because of letting children play violent games too early and failure to proving care from their parents.
There is a problem with the stand of the writer in this essay in that he changed the focus of the essay from video games to the responsibility of parents when it comes to providing care for their children. That should not happen in an opinion essay of this sort. Why? The discussion focus is clearly indicated in the original statement. It should never deviate from 2 reasons based upon:  
  
CHILDREN TODAY PLAY VERY VIOLENT GAMES.  
Nowhere in the prompt do they ask if the parents have a responsibility in this scenario. Only violent video games are to blame for:  
  
for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world.  
These are the 2 topics that should be discussed over 2 reasoning paragraphs. The first reasoning paragraph should cover the reasons why children play violent video games. The second, should explain how the video games result in real world violence from the influence of GTA on car theft and copycat attacks on people using MMA or wrestling video games as a basis.  
  
The overall essay does not respond to the task as required. It is a failing score essay due to the prompt deviation and lack of relevant discussion points. This is too bad since the word count of the essay was just perfect for high scoring consideration. Unfortunately, misread the prompt discussion instruction and the essay will definitely receive a failing score.
## percentage of people visit to gym 1990 to 2010

  
  
The line chart shows the proportion of people going to gym in different groups of ages in Europe from 1990 to 2010.  
Overall, the number of European people spending time on gym increased gradually over the period of 20 years. However, there was a much higher percentage of young people went to gym than ones in group of 45 and over.  
  
In 1990, under 10% of adults in Europe took part in gym activities, with approximately 10% of people from 25 to 34, 9% of people from 18 to 24, 6% of 35-44 group and only 4% of people over 45. Over the next eight years, while the number of people visiting gym in the group of 35-44 and over 45 saw a slight rose, at 12% and 9% respectively, the figure for two younger ones increased sharply to 28% each.  
  
By 2010, the figure for people aging from 18 to 24 had steadily gone up to nearly 60%, while proportion of adults in 25-34 group had risen to 50%. In contrast, the figure for those in 35-44 and above 45 experienced a significantly rise, at 30% and 20% respectively.  
  
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