dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Traditional Food Vs International Fast Food

  
  
Question : **In many countries, traditional food is being replaced by international fast food. This is having a negative effect on both families and societies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## The Processed Food Deluge

  
  
In recent years, International fast food companies have spread their branches to some countries. It causes negative impacts not only in the issue of health but also in cultural identity which replaced the traditional food. I strongly agree with this opinion that International fast food will lead to negative impact both on society and family.  
  
First, junk food produced by International Companies will directly affect to the local cuisines in the particular area. It makes the sales of Small Medium-sized Enterprises (SMEs) in that country will decrease due to loss of customers who move to modern fast food. While it hard to avoid International fast food entering into one country, traditional food cannot easily be forgotten as it has cultural values to the country. Second, in terms of healthy, according to current research, junk food contains unhealthy ingredients that cause a number of different diseases to the human. For example, a substance called MSG that mostly found in junk food caused slow thinking for those who consumed often. Other chronic diseases such as high blood pressure will impact to the most of the people.  
  
In the family scope that usually consumes fast food, will disadvantage by losing their family closeness due to the less of time spending together with family members. For example, mothers who not cooked in their homes will unlikely to have a good relationship with their kids because they invest less time to their kids or other family members.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that junk food obviously leads to several problems both in society and the family. All stakeholders should rethink about the strategy to solve and prevent this problem for a long-term objective.  
  
*Will appreciate all feedbacks :)*
- *"While it hard to avoid International fast food entering into one country, traditional food cannot easily be forgotten as it has cultural values to the country."* This sentence clearly opposes to the point you are presenting. It simply doenst belong to the essay. This will cause confusion.  
  
- Your second body paragraph should mention how fast food stores encourage clients to eat out before claiming its negative impact on family integration.  
  
- Lastly, in your concluding paragraph, you added further suggestion. This will not conclude the whole essay. I often make this mistake also. 😟
Aulia, this is an impressive attempt at writing an "extent" essay. Most students here have a hard time deciphering how such an essay should be written but you seem to have figured it out on your own. I bet you read the other extent essay samples here and learned from the advice given to them. It is clearly reflected in the manner that you discussed your essay. In as much as your essay is truly good in content, there are still a number of problems that exist with your writing.  
  
First of all, the proper voice to be using in your writing should be present tense. The present tense usage indicates what the original prompt does. It continues the implication that this is a currently existing problem that needs to be addressed. Since the problem does not have any proposed or present solutions at the moment, then the present tense of words should be used.  
  
Next, when you discuss your reasons, do not discuss 2 reasons in one paragraph. Allow yourself the opportunity to display your cohesiveness and cohesion in your writing by fully developing a complex presentation of one reason per paragraph. That way, your line of reasoning becomes more effective as you offer further evidence to support your claims in every paragraph.  
  
Finally, in your concluding paragraph, do not hypothesize by using the word "seems". You have to be definite because this is an extent essay. Be definite in your paraphrasing of the topic, repeat your extent of belief in a new presentation, and summarize your reasons within 5 sentences in order to close the essay on a tremendously strong point.
@diligentwriter  
Hi Sheanen, yeah I just realized it. Thank you for your feedback :)  
  
@hgianghgiang Hi Nguyen, thank you for the feedback and It is true that I have difficult to conclude the essay that covers all topics I mentioned before. In the second paragraph also I will try to put more supporting details as you suggest. Thanks  
  
@Holt  
Dear Mary, your feedback is always helpful and thought-provoking for me. I will try to don't put many ideas in one paragraph, use appropriate tenses and will replace the word 'It seems' to be 'I believe' in this type of essay. Thank you again.
## **Agree Disagree TOEFL writing**

  
  
Question: **Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People are never satisfied with what they have; they always want something more or something different. Use specific reasons to support your answer.**  
  
Ever since of discovering own property people are tend to be more individual. At the beginning they had a land, then they built a house there, after they started to fill the house with different things. In my opinion, the process of evolution is one of the reasons why people are unsatisfied with current things.  
  
Most of the inventions are not appeared from nowhere. By looking to the nature, people learned to facilitate their life. For instance, it was difficult to cross long distances by walk, so they wanted to fly as birds. In consequence, people have created planes and helicopters.
Ai, the essay that you wrote does not conform to the requirements of a TOEFL test. You must present a 3-5 paragraph essay, composed of 3-5 sentences per paragraph, in the following format:  
  
1. Opening paraphrase with opinion indicated in the thesis statement.  
2. Reason 1  
3. Reason 2  
4. Reason 3 (optional)  
5. Concluding paragraph  
  
Your paragraph presentations do not fall under the required criteria. Do you notice how the instructions ask you to agree or disagree with the statement but you never, not once, indicated an opinion in the first paragraph? More noticeably, you did not even properly paraphrase the original prompt for this essay. The first paragraph mistake in presentation alone will result in an automatic failure of the essay. The extremely short sentences, which do not comprise fully developed thought processes in the form of paragraphs will also create a scoring problem for your essay. In fact, your overall approach and discussion does not come anywhere near the required presentation. There is no way that this essay will get a passing score in an actual setting due to your inability to follow the given instructions.
**It is neither possible nor useful for a country to provide university places for a high proportion of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
I'm writing this in the format of an IELTS writing task 2, please help me review it <3 Thank you so much!  
  
## the importance of tertiary education

  
  
Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates. Nevertheless, an uprising argument suggests that offering tertiary education for the mass of its youth is neither beneficial nor feasible for a nation. This essay disapproves this idea and will give its reasons.  
  
Firstly, higher education contributes greatly to preparing young people for their future career. The massive growth of technology has caused the professional world to become more and more demanding, and competition in the workplace to become more and more intense. Thus, the future employee must possess professional expertise, as well as outstanding interpersonal and analytical abilities. These skills can only be obtained from academic training, social interactions and practical experience, which are offered by university education and the campus environment. On a more macroscopic scale, a highly-skilled workforce is a leading factor in prompting economic development for any country. Higher education is therefore, one of the stepping stones towards achieving sustainable development for a nation.  
  
Secondly, regarding such necessity of tertiary education, countries should make the provision of tertiary education for aspiring students their major priority, and this can be accomplished in many ways. For instance, scholarships should be available for financially needy students, via governmental subsidies or external sources. The governments of poor countries can encourage investments in higher education from richer countries that are their trading partners. All in all, it is highly feasible for most countries to provide university training for the majority of its young people.  
  
In conclusion, in this era of modernization, all countries should acknowledge the importance of tertiary education in their future prospects, and encourage their students to undertake university training in order to facilitate their own future career, as well as the sustainable development of their countries.
Chau, your prompt paraphrasing is inaccurate and contains exaggerations that do not have a place in the discussion. You make it sound like a war is about to erupt over the discussion of tertiary education when the original prompt does not imply such a thing. It only represents a discussion. There is no "verge of war" as connoted by the term "uprising argument". Your response also does not represent a "degree" of disagreement with the previous statement. Please refer to the following proper example for future reference:  
  
*There is a belief that it is no longer useful for a country to provide student slots for its citizens in college. The common opinion is that this is no longer possible. I strongly disapprove of this sentiment for a number of reasons.*  
  
After the proper paraphrase is introduced, the discussion in the same vein may then follow. Your body for the discussion is right on the mark but your concluding statement is not. You should have discussed that additional information in the 3rd body of paragraph rather than in the conclusion because the conclusion is used only to close the discussion by presenting a summary of the information you provided in the opening statement and reasons from the body of paragraphs.
@rubychautran  
I agree with contributor Holt's feedback that you shouldn't assert: *"Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates. "*. I actually was thinking the opposite.  
  
Apart from that, your essay is brilliant with flexible use of vocabulary and grammar structure.  
  
This is really admirable for a high school student (as you mentioned in the previous comment)! I'm in grade 12th and preparing for the IELTS test also! :D
**Question:** *In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by the prize money and the opportunity to be famous.  
  
What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?*  
  
## genuine sports values protection

  
  
The glorious prospects of triumph, and the satisfaction of overcoming limitations used to be the major motivation for sportsmen and women of the old days. Today, however, fortune and fame have become the drive for the pursuit of sports amongst many modern sports players. This reflects the growth of negative materialism among the youth, and would have detrimental impacts on the sporting spirit.  
  
First and foremost, this change in attitude towards sports is alarming to the young generation in general. It implies that money and fame have been overrated and have become the basic motivation in life for many young people today. Consequently, as people try to find shortcuts to wealth and fame, moral values such as integrity, goodwill, honesty, etc, would become of inferior importance. This change in the mindset of a number of young people is the grassroots to the problems faced by the sports community of modern days.  
  
This phenomenon would make many alterations to the values of sports today. The ultimate goal of sports players, which used to be the conquest of their opponents and the limitations of themselves, would shift to seeking prizes and the chance to make headlines. As a result, instead of putting real efforts into practicing and trying to win, the sports players with materialistic mindset would find ways to cheat, or to attract attention from the public. The core values of sports, which are fair-play and genuine passion would be undermined and neglected. Sports themselves would become a source of exploitation for money-makers and fame-seekers.  
  
In conclusion, the shift in the main drive of sports players today is the implication of the negative materialistic ways of thinking in a proportion of the youth, and would result in the undermining of genuine sports values from the old days. Therefore, it should be criticized and abolished by the mass of the society.  
  
*Please help me review this! Thank you*
Hi Ruby, I think you have misused the word "would" in your essay. We usually use "would" in a hypothetical case - "If I were you, I would rewrite my essay." Here, the case is not hypothetical, it is true, at least according to the prompt. So here are the changes I would make if I were you :)  
  
major motivations  
  
and would have detrimental impacts on the sporting spirit. {this "would" is confusing - I don't think you are talking about a hypothetical situation - maybe "and will have detrimental" or "and could have detrimental" or "and has detrimental"  
  
money and fame have become overrated  
  
goodwill, honesty, etc, ~~would~~ become of inferior importance.  
  
is the grassroots to the problems {grassroots is an adjective}  
  
This phenomenon has made many alterations  
  
of their opponents and overcoming their own limitations, has shifted to seeking  
  
players with materialistic mindsets have found ways to cheat,  
  
genuine passion, have been undermined  
  
Sports themselves have become  
  
a source of exploitation for money-makers and fame-seekers.  
  
and have resulted in the undermining
Tran, you did a very good representation of the topic for discussion in your opening paraphrase. It was excellent in the sense that you truly depicted the discussion without exaggerating and you also used enough English words to create complex sentences. Your vocabulary was good enough to be considered intermediate in use and score well in the LR section. So you are assured of a high score in the TA and LR section. However, your TA score will be prevented from reaching its highest possible score because your discussion outline accidentally began discussing the actual essay rather than simply introducing the opinion that you will be discussing. Your thesis statement should have been represented as follows:  
  
*It is my belief that the current motivation that the sports champions have sends a negative message and attitude to the young people who follow and participate in sports themselves.*  
  
The essay you wrote is good. However, the conclusion is composed of 2 sentences, one of which is a run-on. Divide all long sentences into topic sentences that will allow you to present at least 3 sentences in the paragraph so that you will be more aligned with the C&C presentation requirements for the concluding paragraph.
@rubychautran  
This essay impressed me right from the beginning with excellent paraphrasing. Throughout the body paragraphs you presented a very high level of vocabulary. Thie is really impressive!  
  
In my opinion, it would be even better if you included an example to make the essay more persuasive. The example would best replace this repeated sentence "the ultimate goal.... make headlines".  
  
Then I believe your chance of getting a high bands core is totally within reach!
**Do you agree or disagree with the statement: It is better to finish a project completely and then do another project than do two or more projects at the same time.**  
  
methods of completing a project  
  
There exists a range of myths toward completing a single project. One of such myths is that we tackle the projects one at a time would produce better results than working on multiple projects at the same time. The reasons are strong and many.  
  
It is difficult for people to juggle multiple projects at the same time because they do not have abilities to integrate complicated processes. This, however, is not necessarily true. Given the state-of-the-art technology, it is practical to undergo multiple projects at same time. This is persuasively illustrated in manufacturing. Assisted by an advanced computer, powerful programs, and systems, workers are able to simultaneously produce the products. While a person is drawing the draft, the machine can make a sample immediately and the person also can have a discussion with team members at the same time through online media to revise the mistakes.  
  
It is also feared, on the other hand, it will not make a better result than working on a single task at on time. The fact, nonetheless, may be otherwise. When it comes to data analysis, experts are able to use advanced programs and systems flexibly to help different enterprise. Although it seems that each project from each company does not belong to the same field, data analysts just use the core theory and then can apply to all projects. Furthermore, the information may also shed light on another project to inspire more ideas.  
  
Some people may still argue, lastly, that people who tackle several tasks simultaneously will waste lots of time because of distraction. But this argument still appears arbitrary. Each human being has enough abilities to well arrange their plans. People usually excuse that they can do well when they have multiple tasks on their hands. If they have self-discipline, although they need to solve different problems, it will be more efficient to do the things when they lay out the schedules well. When a person has meeting with the customers on the opposite side of the Earth in the morning, he can also check the stock market in his region at the same time.  
  
Given the possible benefits derived from doing more than one project at the same time- exploiting modernized technology to complete purposes possibly, inspiring more interchangeably achievements, and fulfilling the purposes efficiently - it is only logical to say that pursuing multiple tasks simultaneously is a wiser practice for modern people.
Ching, your representation of the prompt paraphrase is inaccurate and your paragraphs go beyond the maximum allowable of 5 sentence per paragraph. While your total essay is well within the 5 paragraph prompt requirement. It is important that you pay attention to these 2 errors in your writing because these comprise the reasons as to why you may not get a very good score in an actual test.  
  
To begin with the paraphrasing, your presentation must not stray from the content and presentation of the original prompt. That means, you must write about your understanding of the prompt topic, as well as the discussion instruction within parameters similar to the original. Thus;  
  
*There are two schools of thought that exist when it comes to the completion of a project. Some people, manage to finish two projects simultaneously. While others, can only accomplish one project at a time. That is why there is a more common belief that it is better to work on completing one project before working on a new one. I find myself to be in agreement with the latter statement for a number of reasons which I will be discussing below.*  
  
The objective of the opening statement is for you to be able to immediately show off your English comprehension skills in relation to your LR, GRA, and C&C scoring considerations. If you can present a series of complex sentences and advanced vocabulary in the TA section of the test, you will have half the battle for a passing score completed. That is why I chose to present the given original prompt in this manner. By dividing your understanding of the prompt into topic sentences, you will manage to accomplish all 3 tasks in one movement.  
  
I already mentioned that your paragraphs run too long. There is a 5 sentence maximum requirement for each paragraph so you need to be able to explain yourself using limited, but impressive English words. That is where your GRA and LR scoring considerations will be focused on. Keep it short but informative and you will increase your chances at a higher than average score in those sections.  
  
Never present your concluding paragraph as one long run-on sentence as you did here. Each paragraph must be exactly that, composed of 3-5 individual sentences that help to close the essay. You are not, under any circumstance, allowed to present additional information in the concluding paragraph as you did here as that would constitute a continuing discussion rather than a closing statement. An effective concluding paragraph merely restates the prompt, summarizes the discussion points, and repeats your opinion in a new manner. That is all that the concluding paragraph requires as it is just an extra opportunity for you to highlight your English comprehension and GRA skills within the test.
*In light of the current socio-economic situation of the world, do you think this the right time for wildlife preservation? If yes, what are the ways and means you suggest for this?" Give your opinion in no less than 250 words.*  
  
## the preservation of nature issue

  
  
Wildlife preservation is debatable issue in present world. While social-economic condition has been demanding more natural resources to address increased population needs, healthy eco-system is also needed for continued existence of them. I assert that wildlife preservation is an alarming issue for human survival, and there are various potential ways to preserve this.  
  
Protecting wild plant and animal species and their habitats is indispensable for every aspect of human life. If the excessive use of the resources is going on as to socio-economic demand, the nature then will be disruptive for future generation. For instance, various electrical power plants are already situated in wild places by removing numerous forest and hills, and the effects of such removal is contributing to the global warming. For this reason, the preservation of wild life is a crucial subject in order to save our nature in the present time.  
  
Nevertheless, when the protection of wildlife is concerned, there are potential solutions to be offered to resolve this. Despite of environmental awareness, no steps can work effectively, so raising awareness among people will be effective one of possible solution. And then policy maker can implement restrictions against the use of natural resources. Finally, instead of using fossil fuels, alternatives such as Plant-derived plastics, biodiesel, wind power and solar power can be introduced to reserve those fuels from running out soon. Thus, it is not impossible to preserve wild life in a right manner.  
  
To conclude, whereas the condition of socio-economy is noteworthy for most of people, the preservation of nature is also unavoidable. Considering these view, I m realizing that wildlife should be protected. Some steps like awareness, imposing strong law, renewable energy is magnificent option to address the concerning issue.