dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Dear Lincoln,  
  
There are 3 main part in this IELTS part 1:  
  
1. **Introduction** --> Paraphrase the question (you say the question in other words)  
  
you do a good job in this part but you miss to include "energy waste" which clearly state in the question.  
  
2. **Overview** --> General Information/ summary/ conclusion of the diagram. the words "overall", " In general" are commonly used in the beginning of this part.  
  
I can't see which one is your overview in this essay.  
  
3. **Detail**--> detail information about diagram which state numbers, stages, etc  
  
I agree with Mary suggestion about making 3 different paragraphs to explain 3 different floors. You can focus to explain 3 things which are air flow, heat lost and energy waste with every specific equipment from each floor.  
  
I hope this can help you.  
Thanks
Hi, this is my first essay :)  
  
The diagram presents a man-made linear process started by using clay to dig up metal grid and ended with the delivery of bricks for the building industry. Although the third stage of process is distinguished by 2 types of cutting process, the whole process is equal, it can be clearly seen that the method of production has seven stages, beginning with the digging up of clay and culminating in delivery.  
  
Firstly, the loam used to make the blocks is dug up from the ground by a big digger. Before placing the clay onto a metal grid there is prepared a roll equipment to roll the loam used to break up the loam into smaller pieces. After that, sand and water are added to the clay, and those mix components are moulded into blocks, at this stage it was distinguished by 2 ways of cutting (using mould or using a wire cutter). Next, these bricks are placed to an oven to be dried for 24 - 48 hours.  
  
In the following stages, the bricks go through two kilns rooms and a cooling chamber. Those kilns heat up the blocks in different temperature (in first kiln at a moderate temperature and then a high temperature ranging from 200c to 1300c in the second kiln), then followed by a cooling process in a chamber for 48 - 72 hours days. Finally, the bricks are packed and shipped to their destinations.  
  
*
Sari, where did the term loam, that you keep using throughout most of the essay come from? There is no reference to such a thing in the diagram as I studied it. Please make sure to use accurate lexical references from the diagram alone when describing anything related to the chart, illustration, or diagram that you are discussing in your summary. You will lose points if you make references to words that are not part of the keywords of the actual drawing you are interpreting. What you call a loam is actually called clay in the drawing so you should have used the term clay instead.  
  
Save for that particular question that I have regarding the use of the term 'loam", I do not find your explanation to be in error when compared with the illustration you provided. The method of brick creation is clear and there is an accurate representation of the procedure involved. Therefore, I believe that you would probably score above a 5, probably a 6, in the overall band score for this test. Just be careful of the term usage. Don't use terms not included in the actual copy you are provided.  
  
I did not deduct points for you regarding that this time because this is your first practice test. I will not give you a pass next time. So keep my advice in mind. In an actual test, the use of the term could have had a deduction done on your final lexical resource or grammar accuracy score.
**This is a summary from wired article. Its original title is "Hack Brief: Beware the Spammy Pokemon Go Apps Being Pushed to Millions of iPhones".**  
  
Apple users should know the pros and cons of downloading Pokémon Go. The latest study from Trend Micro revealed three party stores that have been deceiving iPhone users. Two of them are Haima, which is based in China, and the Vietnam-based HiStore. Both companies create fake apps related to the popular apps like Pokémon Go then promote the phony apps on social media. These bogus apps are prone to find even on Apple's App Store and Google Play Store.  
  
Apple launched an application of cleanup to overcome this drawback in order to revoke the certificates from useless apps that have been downloaded. However, it was counterfeited fraudulently as soon as the original version has been started marketing.  
  
These kinds of scam apps can infect phone's data with diverse malware. Therefore, one of the solutions to solve this problem is that the developers should protect their apps more carefully and make them more difficult to be hacked by the malicious parties. On the other side, the consumers should only buy their apps from official stores which are trusted.  
  
wired/2016/09/hack-brief-beware-spammy-pokemon-go-apps-pushed-millions-iphones/
Eka, there are a number of misinformation in your current summary article. Most of them are quite serious because it changes the meaning of the original article. For starters, do not change the formal terms being used in the original article. You cannot say "three party stores" because the proper term is "third party stores". If you change the term, you could confuse the reader regarding what you are trying to say. Next, you should have said that while the apps might be able to get into Apple and Google Play stores, they companies are swift to remove the offending apps. Your information in that aspect is incomplete. Your second paragraph referred only to Apple as having cleaned up the fake apps, without mention of Google so that is inconsistent with the original report. Finally, you are not offering a summarized solution in your final paragraph that is based upon the information in the original article. You are offering a personal opinion with a personal solution. That is in direct contradiction of the rules in writing article summaries. There is no room for personal statements in an article summary. Just summarize the facts and nothing more.
Nowadays, it is becoming easier and easier to travel. In my view, travelling does improve the minds and add to a person's knowledge.  
Travelling brings many good chances to a person. When a person travels, he will be able to visit other people of all races and places, whose customs and habits are not the same as his. On passing through areas of different climates and regions, he can know more about the flora as well as the fauna. As he sees all these things, he may begin to realize how different the people and places are in different parts of the world. Definitely, he will learn that they are never the same. The traveller will also meet new people during their trip. And if lucky enough, new friendship will be created. Moreover, by going out and about, he can have his own experience about unique traditions, cultures, beautiful sceneries or even take pot luck. Thus, by setting foot to other lands, he knows better about geography and religious beliefs. Besides, travelling makes him more sociable, confident, independent and get ready to deal with problems he comes across. Knowledge of all these things really helps to improve the mind of the traveller to a great extent.  
  
Some may wonder why we need to travel while there are plenty of other convenient ways to study and cite the variety of books and the development of media as illustrations for their opinion. Personally, I think books and media do contribute to a person's knowledge. However, that's not enough because there are things that books and media are unable to describe properly. For example, the beauty of various parts in the world or one's love for their homeland can't be written down so a person should travel and experience things himself, not to read about things he is far away from.  
  
In conclusion, I think travelling is an important way to improve our knowledge. You know what they say: "Travelling forms a young man."  
  
Please contribute to this!!! Thanks in advance :)
Love the last paragraph that includes your opinion along with a quote. But have you thought of bringing that to the top?  
The essay definitely needs an eye catcher that could intrigue whoever is reading it, and I was more than happy to see that in the last paragraph (everything before the conclusion).  
  
the Middle could be broken up into more paragraphs in my opinion because it really forces the reader to read a list of concepts with the same basic point of view on the matter, but I can't tell you how that could be done properly because I struggle with doing that in my essays too.  
  
hope that helps
**some people think when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions. discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
It is popularly believed that corporations should be focus on taking people who are innovative and able to work self-contained in the recruitment process. It is often alleged that companies should recruit candidates who are able to work in connected with others and follow instructions. Personally, I believe that it is an enormous essential for companies finding applicants that have multi-talented ability to work and they have been a high creativity and able to pursue all of instructions in companies.  
  
To begin with, it is a massive integral for companies hiring human that have been multi-competent skills to develop of company. It means that, they able to work individual or fuse with others that achieve a successful result in job. According to the latest research of Hanoyama Company in Tokyo, company always received applicant who had high quality and it had inflated standard to approve suitors because almost 96 percent or workers who were worked in there that must had ability to work self-contained and in a team. As a result, it makes them development quickly and now they have a high reputation in Japan.  
  
On the other hand, actually, corporations have aim that they must have inflated profile from other companies and owing to the fact that now, to get good position in a job people must be compete hardly with others. They must have excess from others, such as creation and imagination to give innovation for company. Thus, in begin of recruitment process, corporation always accept nominees who have big responsibility such as able to give new ideas that increase a rate of corporation. Besides, all of workers pursue all of instruction that are given by manager or lots of role from company. It is a massive important because with obedient staff members in a company, it makes they able to work well.  
  
All in all, as far as I am concern, I believe that entrants with they have been multi-talented skills and able to give lots of improvements with new ideas for company, applicants that are received by companies, besides, they must follow all of instructions and role from company. In my opinion, it is an immense integral for each candidate has all of regulations that are decided by company to make them easily that achieve in company.
Wily, in terms of task accuracy, there is a bit of a confusion in the way that you paraphrased the original prompt so the key points that should have been addressed isn't really properly nor fully represented in the opening statement. This may garner you a score no higher than 5 in an actual setting. The cohesiveness and coherence of your essay suffers in terms of logical presentation that leaves the reader somewhat confused once he finishes reading your essay. I believe that this problem will result in score of 4 or lower. Your cohesive devices could have been better used to help in this section of your essay. Lexical Resource leaves me scoring you a 4 as well because you failed to design the use of your words in the proper context of your sentence / thought process. Finally, in terms of grammar range and accuracy, I am sure, that because of the way I have been scoring this essay, you will not be surprised to know that the best score I can give you for this piece of writing is a 3. Most of your paragraphs are very poorly developed and leaves the reader highly stressed in terms of trying to sort out what you are trying to say. The message is lost because of the lack of proper sentence development, punctuation use, and vocabulary choices. Overall, you could have done better with this essay. I hope you take note of the problems with this test and apply some changes to your future written work. I am convinced that you have the ability to improve. All you need is practice. So don't give up. Sooner or later, you will be ready for the test.
I really liked the fact that you first included a background on the popular belief and then talked about your opinion, followed by the two contrasting sides.  
  
If I could change one thing is the last sentence in the first paragraph...  
  
Personally, I believe that applicants that are multitalented could constitute an enormous essential for a company seeking for an associate who is both able to include creativity in his work, and able to pursue all of the directions set by the company
I read two books, Weedflower and Night. In Weedflower, a Japanese girl named Sumiko is interned and lives in Poston for a year or so before being released. It is fiction but closely mimics real history. The conditions Sumiko lives in aren't horrible--she lives with some of her family in a small home that is very hot and dusty. She grew a garden, goes to a sewing club, and eats three meals a day.  
  
In Night, Elie is taken to a concentration camp. He endures hell and watches his father die. He starves and watches family turn on each other. He nearly dies multiple times.  
  
With this, I made my thesis that through the literature I studied, Japanese internment is portrayed as having better living conditions and being more humane than the living conditions in the Holocaust. But after discussing with others, they found this thesis to be completely inappropriate and immoral. I've always been a very emotionally detached person, so I can only assume they are true. I don't wan to offend my entire class as I present this topic to them. I can literally pick any thesis--I could talk about what Japanese internment reveals about the Holocaust, or how the two are related, or a simple compare contrast. But I need a strong thesis and I have no idea what to write now without sounding offensive!!! It can be ANYTHING relating the Japanese internment to the Holocaust. Please help?!
Lily, I do not find anything offensive about doing a comparison of the holocaust camps as opposed to the Japanese interment camps. These are two historical locations that have a tremendous amount of backstory behind it. I believe that you should write about the comparison of the differing treatment of the two camps with regards to their prisoners. Sometimes, it is not the topic of the thesis that is offensive but the way that the thesis was presented. Can you share the original thesis with me here? I would like to read it so I can deduce if the offensiveness was only in the way that you presented the idea behind the topic. Your friends may have a different concept of the thesis when compared to that of a reviewer or your professor. It will be best to get a second and third opinion on your thesis before you decide to totally change your highly interesting discussion topic. I can offer my opinion of your thesis statement and help you reword to sound less sensitive if necessary. Then you can present it to your teacher for final approval. I am sure he will be more open minded about the topic than your peers were.
"Japanese internment is portrayed as being more humane than the conditions in the Holocaust" but I'd probably revise it to spice up the wording a bit.  
  
And if my friends were correct in saying that the internment couldn't be compared because it was so horrible, I was also thinking of changing it to "Japanese internment is portrayed in American literature as being more humane than the conditions in the Holocaust". Then concluding that by studying this we can see that American literature tries to wash over the atrocious events in Japanese internment by contextualizing it with the Holocaust.
Hi Lily, I think the problem is that there is not enough of a backstory when it comes to the presentation of your thesis statement. It has to be more reflective of the information that you wish to portray to the reader and ask them to keep an open mind regarding the topics. Acknowledge the atrocities of war right off the bat and do not give any reason for the way the prisoners were treated. Acknowledge the camps as being living cemeteries, which is what these were. I would probably phrase the thesis statement as follows:  
  
*The atrocities of the world wars fought on two fronts, in Asia and in Europe, during World War II will always be a part of one of the darkest times in the history of man. The Nazi Germans had their interment camps where the Jews were expected to live out their lives until they died, unless they were killed by their captors. While the Japanese were held in interment camps in America, even though they had nothing to do with the war simply because Americans at the time, did not know if the Japanese Americans were sympathizers to the Japanese cause of "Asia for the Asians" and cause destruction to America from within. Two captors. Two interment camps. Two highly different treatments for the Prisoners of War. Based upon the novels "Weedflower" by Cynthia Kadohata and Night by Elie Wiesel, my paper will concentrate on the two types of humane conditions existing in these two interment camps. One held by ruthless Nazi captors, and the other, run by Americans who just wanted to keep their country safe from internal attacks. Why were the treatments so different? Why did America try to whitewash the existence of Japanese interment camps in the country by highlighting the Nazi camps? How does history treat both events and what modern mindset has arisen from the effects of these moments in world history?*  
  
As you can see, if you properly word the thesis statement to be less provocative, It should pass the consideration of your teacher. Try to pattern your thesis statement after what I have written. Then have it considered by the teacher. Don't pass it through your friends, they are not the authorities on the matter. It is your teacher who has final approval so go directly to the source for approval or disapproval. Then you can work from there.
**Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
In modern society, the more languages you can speak, the more competitions you have. Since this phenomenon, it becomes popularly for parents to raise their children' interest toward a foreign language. Even more, some researchers state that it is better to start leaning a new language in the early age. In my opinion, I support this illustration under some conditions, and my statements are following.  
  
Firstly, the biggest concerned about learning another language in early age is the children may not focus on their mother language properly. The primary school seems to be the first place for them to access their own language officially. They are going to learn the grammar, the punctuation and the correct usage of a language. It might be a struggle for them to learn two languages in meanwhile. Secondly, learning a new language may cause extra pressure to the children. In some countries, especially in Asia, parents expect them to be successful in the future. Even the students of primary school have a lot of homework and extra activities. It is cruel to put further burden on them.  
  
However, in my view, I think this is a good chance for young children to access a foreign language. In the first place, because a language is a first step to experience a different culture, in term of thinking, concept and attitude, children can border their horizon by studying a new language. Especially in the early progress, exploring a new culture can accumulate great resources before they grow up. Next, people often regret starting too late to learn a brand new language because of the poor memory. It is obvious that the youth have better memory than the elderly so as to proof that the earlier children leaning a language, the better outcome they could have.  
  
To sum up, learning a foreign language is definite a good thing, but for the very young kids, there are lots pros and cons need to be considered. Under no circumstance should children sacrifice their precious childhood only for meeting the expectation of being a competitive person in the future.
Arlen, what made you think that the discussion being provided by the prompt asked you to consider the age rather than the school grade of the student who is going to learn how to speak a foreign language? Why is your essay concentrated on discussing the proper "age" of the child to learn the language? You make it sound like the language learning is an option for parents outside of the regular schooling of a child. That is not the point of the prompt. The discussion that the prompt wanted you to provide was a discussion as to the pros and cons of having a child learn how to speak a foreign language in either primary or secondary school. Which of the two school levels would have been most beneficial to a student who has to learn a foreign language? It is the level of schooling that should have been discussed in terms of the existing abilities of the student to learn.  
  
It is understood that the child will get additional language training in school, within the aforementioned learning levels. So why are you concentrated on the age of the child instead? All of the discussions that you presented do not take into account the prompt provided information which should have been reflected in your essay. Based upon this serious misunderstanding of the prompt requirements on your part, I regret to say that I do not believe you can score higher than a 2 on task accuracy. Scoring a 2 will mean that the overall components of the scoring criteria will also fail because you did not properly represent the prompt requirements in your discussion.