dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## technological revolution and comfort of life

  
  
The 20th century experienced the technological revolution. Undeniably, technology has changed dramatically our lives. Most of these changes contribute to making our life more convenient, comfortable and wonderful. In my opinion, technology has made the world a better place to live.  
  
Firstly, the advent of computers and the Internet has exploded the information technology revolution. We can connect many people all over the world by many ways for example: Mail, Facebook, Skype. In addition, we can search and save the information, the knowledge or news from a huge data source and continuously updated.  
  
Furthermore, with the development of technology, the machine is programmed and completely automated. Machines make it easier for humans to perform everything from the simplest to the most complicated of tasks, which required high-precision, high work intetensity or high risk. For instance, goods are mass produced with high-precision, factories are controlled and operated with a click in the computer or exploration the Univese by spacecraft.  
  
Besides, technological advances have benefits our life with significant medical improvement. The medical field has successfully transplanted heart with specialized equipment. Many people suffering from diseases and illness has a higher chance of surviving.  
  
On the one hand, opponents of this view say that technology has not made the world a better. They point out that artificial intelligence and machine will affect employment. Besides, they suppose that the environmental pollution is due to the impact of technology. To a certain extent, this is partly true. However, this argument is unreasonable because machinery irreplaceable human and technology will have new discoveries, many new job is created. Moreover, sources of alternative energy can solve enviromental problems. For example, solar energy, wind energy or tidy energy.  
  
In conclusion, advantages of technology outweigh any disadvantages it brings to our lives. I am of the opinion that technology has made the world better, therefore we have to apply technological correctly and reduce disadvantages that it brings.  
  
*Thank for reading and please editing my essay*
The essay is coherent and easily understandable. However, there are a few grammatical mistakes and unnecessary pauses. Please go through the essay again, and find them. Please take care of singular/plurals and articles.  
  
In the first paragraph, it should be "has changed/transformed our lives dramatically'.  
  
Second Paragraph: 1. Rather than exploded, it would be better to use words like accelerated, spearheaded etc, and it is convenient to use technological revolution. 2. People can be instantly connected around the world via various modes of communications.  
  
Third Paragraph: 1.**Machines are** programmed and completely automated, **which** makes...... 2. perform all types of tasks, which **require** 3. technological advances have **benefited**
Tuan, your essay will fail in an actual test because you did not follow the discussion instruction. You were being asked to agree or disagree with the essay. Instead of saying "I agree / disagree", you said "in my opinion", which is not what the original prompt is asking for in the discussion. In the opening paraphrase, you are required to present, not only your understanding of the topic for discussion, but also a response to the instruction that is given for the development of the presentation. Since you did not post the original prompt prior to your response, I am unable to accurately assess what a more appropriate way of representing the discussion would have been. I cannot rely only on the discussion instruction for your essay assessment, I need also need the full topic presentation in its original form in order to help you. Even without that though, I can tell you that your essay will definitely fail in the TA portion because you did not properly represent the discussion instruction you were provided with.  
  
Even worse, is that you proceeded to discuss a comparison essay when you should have focused only on the reasons as to why you agree or disagree with the statement. One response, "I agree / disagree" accompanied by 2 reasons that justify your position on the matter. Towards the end, you even began to discuss the advantage and disadvantages of the issue, which further drove a discussion of a totally different prompt in this essay. The final score for this will definitely not be one that is even near a passing score.
Generally speaking, the park is a place we like ... (Not a fact, just an opinion, Please refer "hedging for EAP"). It ~~The park~~ is an obvious place ... (not naturally refer collaboration). While  
  
... children are playing on (...) relaxed place one in the park. My visited park,abc,  ~~was one that I thought would~~ revealed my new horizontal ~~a certain level of peace. It did~~.
Mackenzie, I can see why your teacher told you that something was missing from the essay. It was highly descriptive in a visual way. However, an observation / descriptive essay needs more than just a visual representation. You need to engage all the 5 senses of a human body when you write these essays. The smell of the night time air, the feel of the setting sun on your skin, the people having a picnic, the man having coffee on a bench nearby, all of these are part of a descriptive essay. Think outside of the box as you write this. Consider that you were seeing things unfolding before your eyes but you did not allow your imagination to soar. You merely stated what was obvious. There was no creativity to the presentation. You went for factual presentations when you were required to use your imagination in order to make this park, and the way that various people relax when they are there, come to life in the mind of the reader. You could have said something like;  
  
*As I stepped off my moped and walked towards the park entrance, the smell of corn dogs coming from the hot dog stand near the ticket booth filled my senses. Although I had just had lunch, I found myself heading for the hot dog stand for what I consider the be the best comfort food around. I had just gotten the results of my math test earlier that day and I was feeling low. I did not know how to tell my mom I had failed yet another test. So I came to the park instead of heading home. Hoping to find some clarity and peace by watching other people in the park. The corn dog, was just a bonus as far as I was concerned. The corn dog and the park, the two things in my life that are always sure to bring to a zen like sense of relaxation and fulfillment.*  
  
See the descriptiveness in the paragraph? That is what you are aiming for. That is what your teacher is also looking for. There are some grammar and punctuation errors in the essay you wrote. Had you typed the document in Word 10 or used an online grammar checker, that would have been caught and immediately correct. I suggest you do that when you revise the essay.
## proportion in upbringing children

  
  
Mother and father are both responsible for children's growth. However, some people assert that women play more important part in upbringing children than men. By the contrast, others believe that men are as good as woman in parenting. From a personal viewpoint, I have to totally with the former.  
  
First and further, mothers have a closer relationship to their offspring because mothers get attached to the child from the birth. Kids spend most of their childhood with mothers. Therefore, a child is impacted more by his mom. In addition, a mother is the only person taking all sorts of care of the child, such as feeding, bathing and taking care of him when he is sick. Moreover, when a child grows up and goes to school, mother looks after kid's study, homework, project both at school and at home. Mother pays attention to every small things in everywhere relating to her child.  
  
Another interesting point is that women usually spend more time with their children than men because, in many countries, they are usually less engaged in working. Men play a crucial role of breadwinner and they cannot spend much time with children as women do. Thus, it makes mom-kid bond stronger. Apart from that, mother is the person who children usually confine in, share emotion, problems and ask for advices first. Mothers understand their offspring than anyone.  
  
However, we cannot refuse important role of fathers, men make a living for his family and future financially secure for their kids. Making sure the best condition in raising children is as crucial as the time playing with kids and sharing family moments.  
  
In conclusion, both men and women share equal proportion in upbringing children. But women keep greater ability in parenting than men do.
In introduction you did not present any thesis statement, so that the paragraph seemed weak without proposing some short topic ideas that you have eventually brought on the following body.  
  
Even though the first agreement (introduction paragraph) owing to a certain position, the new idea in paragraph 4 possibly distract the original idea of you. By this i mean, you stated to fully agree with mother plays a more important role than men, but in paragraph 4 the arguments outweigh this view. In my opinion, once you says a fully agreement, do not mix with another weakened-idea.
Pham, without the actual prompt requirement that you are responding to for comparison purposes, I cannot authoritatively say that you did good work on this essay. This forum requires the original prompt requirement from the practice test, and the test name in order for a contributor to accurately consider the type of work that you did based upon preset conditions.  
  
Your opening statement lacks the subject in the last sentence. You have the verb "totally agree" but no subject (totally agree with what?). This causes immense confusion for the reader, who already does not have a clear idea as to what the prompt statement is and what sort of discussion is required.  
  
Your paragraph lengths are inconsistent. The second paragraph goes beyond the paragraph maximum sentence requirement of 5 sentences. Learn to say more with less sentences. The key is to show off your English writing skills in a manner that proves you can think and write in English using as few words as possible. That is why there is a maximum sentence and minimum word count requirement per essay.  
  
The fourth and fifth paragraphs lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement. Please make sure to always present complete paragraphs or risk losing Coherence and Cohesiveness points in the final scoring.  
  
I could have offered a more complete review if you had given the original prompt along with your response. Please do so in the next essay so that you can get the full benefit of essay reviews from me as a contributor.
**Many of the world's cities are currently facing a serious housing shortage.  
What are some of the reasons for this shortage and what solutions can you suggest?**  
  
## the limit of living space in urban areas

  
  
It is true that nowadays the lack of housing is one of the most important issues in many metropolitan area. There are various reasons for this problem and steps can definitely be taken to tackle it.  
  
Three main causes are blamed for the root of the shortage in housing. Firstly, due to the increase of population over the last 20 years, the number of local residents in cities doubles or even triples which already takes up the large area for dwelling. Secondly, every year hundreds of people migrate to large metropolis in the search of better job. This lead to, for example, a situation that many low-income workers in Viet Nam have to accept to stay in parks or bus stations after a hard work day. Finally, since the price of land rises dramatically, most land lord only want to sell their property to companies who intend to build factories, school, buildings to make a big profit instead of building house for rent.  
  
However, different approach can be adopted to solve these issues. So as to create more housing places but not accounting too much space, it is the best if city authorities construct a lot of skycraper apartments. Moreover, Government should develop provincial towns and rural areas, moving industry and job to these regions. By doing so, it will strike a balance in population between metropolis and countryside. Additionally, politicians have the power to impose a heavy fine if any family has more than two offsprings.  
  
In conclusion, many feasible solutions can be applied to solve the limit of living space in urban areas.
Ngan, are you writing this essay for a TOEFL or IELTS practice test? My assessment of your essay usually depends upon the specific requirements of the test you are taking. In this instance, I will just review your work on a general basis. For starters, regardless of whether this is for an English test or for a formal research paper, your thesis statement should always be at least 3 sentences in order to qualify for a paragraph. Always aim to write full sentences in order to prove your English skills. That means, your paraphrased paragraph will never be less than 3 sentences but no more than 5 in any given instance.  
  
Do not try to present too many reasons in one paragraph. When given a plural reason presentation, stick to only 2 reasons. That way you can use one paragraph to present the reasons, in a connected manner while having the later part of that paragraph transition into your next discussion in a more accurate manner. If you don't prepare your reader for the next paragraph with a transition sentence, your cohesiveness and coherence presentation will not be considered as effective.  
  
Try to develop a better concluding paragraph by fully developing a prompt restatement, summary of your discussion points, and a closing sentence. 3 sentences means you have tried to put a spotlight on your English grammar abilities, any less and you are rushing through the essay and not really paying attention to what you are writing.
## film lovers in British cinemas

  
  
The line graph shows information on the percentage of people who went to cinema in UK in the 1990-2010 period. The people's attendace is divided into four different age group.  
  
Overall, younger people seemed to go to the cinema less than their older counterpart. However, all four age groups shows a gradual increase during the give period, except for a slight decline between 1995 and 2000.  
  
In 1990, almost people in UK who went to the cinema were in the age group of 34-44 and 44-54. To be specific, the percentage of people who went to cinema was approximate 40% for each group, while this percentage of people who were between 14 and 24 was only about 15%. In the next five year, the proportion of all four groups increased slightly by 2-3% before falling to the lowest point in the whole line graph in 2000. However, the percentage of all four groups remained above 10%.  
  
During the period from 200 to 2010, there was a gradual increase in the percentage of people who went to cinema in four age groups. In 2010, the number of cinema attendees was also dominated by the age group of 44-54. Over 50% people going to cinema were between 44 and 54, while this percentage in the age of teenager was about 20%.  
  
*
... age groups ~~shows~~ **showed** a gradual increase during the ~~give period~~ period-given,...  
  
In 1990, ~~almost~~  **Most of the**people in **the**UK (...) were **dominated by** ~~in the~~ **aged-group** of ...  
... people over 34 ~~percentage of people~~ who went to **the** cinema was ~~approximate~~ approximately 40% ~~for each group~~, while the ~~this~~ percentage of ...  
..., the proportion of all ~~four~~ groups **had** increased slightly **to** ~~by~~ 2-3% before ~~falling~~ **fell back,** hit the lowest point of ~~to the lowest point in the~~ ~~whole~~ **all the line-groups** ~~graph~~ in 2000. However, the percentage of ~~all four~~ **each** groups ~~remained~~ were above 10%.  
  
~~During the period from 200 to 2010~~ **From 2000 onward**, (...) in the ~~percentage~~ proportion of people (...) in ~~four~~  **all age-groups**.  
... attendees was ~~also~~ (also, refer to?) dominated by the ~~age~~ **(aged)**-group of 44-54. **(More than)**~~Over~~ 50% people between 44 and 54 ~~going to cinema~~  **went to the cinema** ~~were~~ ~~between 44 and 54~~, ~~while~~ but ~~this~~ **the number of** ~~percentage in the age of~~ teenager **were** about 20%.
Phuong, this is only a 3 paragraph essay. You stretched it to 4 paragraphs needlessly as the trending paragraph should have been included in the summary overview. You need to also learn how to better indicate various types of time frames in the essay. For example, in this essay, there were 2 decades, meaning 2 periods covering 10 years each, that you could have indicated in order to prove a larger English vocabulary. It would have been better to have said;  
  
*... to cinema in UK over a 2 decade period covering the years 1990 - 2010.*  
  
In order to increase your LR score, it is important that you know how to say one term or one idea in at least 2 different ways that use less common English words. In this case "decade" would have been the less commonly used English word.  
  
In the paragraph where you make a comparison that indicated a slight increase of 2-3 %, it would have been best if you had also indicated the actual percentage figure along with the increase. This would have shown a greater interest in providing the most accurate report that you could for the graph.  
  
Overall, your work is pretty good. It seems to cover all of the required elements and does its best to create an in-depth analysis of the graph in the best way that you know how to present. Good work. You should be able to show more improvement over time.
**The chart below shows how frequently people in the U.S.A. ate in fast food restaurants between 2003 and 2013.**  
  
## monthly visitors of fast food eateries

  
  
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of attendance in fast food chains in the U.S.A. within a 10 year period (2003 to 2013).  
Overall, it is observed that people mainly preferred to eat at junk food restaurants either weekly or one to two times a month, whereas only a few paid a visit daily, or did not at all.  
  
In detail, weekly fast food consumers corresponded to roughly 30% in 2003 and slightly increased to nearly a third three years later, before notably declining below 30% in 2013. Additionally, monthly visitors of fast food eateries reached exactly 30% in 2003 and, despite falling by 5% in 2006, they rose up to almost a third in 2013.  
  
Moreover, those who went to such restaurants enough times per week were approximately a fifth in 2003, reaching 25% in 2006, but then decreased to just over 15% in 2013. Regarding people who attended fast food chains a couple of times a year, it is noticed that they accounted for almost 15% in 2003, before downfalling in 2006 and 2013.  
  
Finally, daily and zero attendance were much less, namely just under 5% in 2003, whilst deducting below that in 2006 and 2013.  
  
Words: 198  
  
*
Athanasia, you must be consistent in the method by which you represent the figures coming from the bar chart. Since the actual percentages are given in the measurements per year, then that is the information that you should indicate in the summary. Not a fifth, not a third, the actual percentage. Bear in mind that this is a report essay for a superior. As such, that superior will expect to get the actual figures from you since he doesn't have the time to read the actual chart. Therefore, when you use fractional indicators instead of actual figures, the reader is not receiving the most accurate information from the chart, which is the main purpose of this essay.  
  
You should also never place major information, such as the inclusive years of the measurements, in a parenthesis. Those are vital information from the chart as it helps to identify the percentage with the corresponding year. So in the summary, you have to mention the exact years as ; "covering the years 2003 up to 2013). Be very specific. The more specific your information is, the better your score. This is the same thing that you should have done in your final paragraph when you indicated a downward trend for 2006 and 2013.  
  
By the way, in instances when you cannot expand the information to cover 3 sentences, do your best to merge it with the previous paragraph instead so that you will always meet the complete paragraph requirement of the C&C scoring section. Instead of presenting 2 ideas in one sentence, present one idea per sentence instead. That way you present thoroughly developed thought processes and sentences to the reader. It also helps you to get a better chance at creating more complicated sentence structures. Just because a sentence is long doesn't mean it is already complex. It could be a run on sentence because it is either fused or uses comma splices to separate 2 different thoughts.  
  
Overall, this is a more than decent attempt at writing a Task 1 essay. I am confident that you will continue to show improvement as you progress with your future practice tests.
## respect to older people

  
  
Hi, everyone! I'm preparing on my own for IELTS academic and I have trouble regarding writing, as there is no one to provide me with feedback. I would appreciate it if you gave a look to my essay and make some comments on it :)  
  
At present, numerous nations do not treat the elderly with the required respect. In my opinion, there are certain factors which have contributed to this situation, as well as significant consequences for society as a whole.  
  
A main cause of disrespect towards seniors is that they are incapable of coping with the rapid changes which occur throughout the world. In other words, older people think in a more conservative way than the youth and unable to understand the meaning of progress and modernisation. For instance, the elderly have trouble handling technological devices, such as computers and mobile phones, as they have not been taught how to do so. Consequently, young people have neither the patience nor the willingness to introduce them to their own value system, thus older people are not respected enough.  
  
For this reason, a major effect would be the isolation and marginalisation of the elderly. Namely, in spite of the fact that they are typically members of this society, they do not get the chance to provide the rest of its members with precious knowledge and advice. For example, older people are considered outdated by the youth for highly valuing the simple things in life, such as food, and they do not try to find the meaning behind their words. Therefore, seniors end up in nursing homes, as they cannot be taken care of, demonstrating that the older ones do not fit in a modern society.  
  
In conclusion, older people are disrespected due to lack of understanding by the younger ones, for they act based on different values, resulting in the elderly being on the sidelines.