dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Weath does not necessarily guarantee happiness.'  
To what extent do yagreeeee or disagree with this statement?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience  
  
Can you fix my essay and match it?  
  
## Stay Happy and Enjoy Life

  
  
Riches do not fundamentally insurance happiness.In my opinion, I slightly agree with this statement due to money is necessary, however, it is not assurance peace of mind.  
  
Firstly, wealth is needed in life because without money we can not survive.Properties basically bring good things to our relationship, health, education. Frist and foremost, Relationship can develop and maintain easily with money because you can treat your friends, give luxury gifts for your lovers, and take care your family.Then, you can use your money to hire a personal doctor to look after your health, in addition, you can have a perfect diet with money.Finnally, you will have a lot of chances to approach the modern educational system base on your prosperity.For instance, even though Miss.Thien was born in the poor country but her family is very rich so she can go aboard for studying.  
  
Secondly, Wealth is not guaranteed pleasure as the results of serious illness, unlimited stratification. First and foremost, IF you have a mental sickness, for example, anxiety disorder, you will always worry about everything around you, which is not needed to be worried. Because of that, you can not enjoy your life even you have a lot of money, which can not heal your mental illness completely. After that, If you lack some parts of your body, for instance, your legs, you can not use your money to have normal legs like normal people.Finnally, People will never stratificate with the amount of money they have so that even though you are a wealthy person you still thinking about money, we always want to have more and more money, this circumstance is not stopped until we recognize it is too late to enjoy life.For instance, Mr Tram has a lot of money hut he died when he just 30 years old because an unexpected stroke, which is the results of working extremely hard.  
  
To sum up, I think wealth is necessary but it is not insurance happiness and it is important to start to find the way to enjoy life even we do not have a lot of money.  
  
Thanks  
HappyFunny
... because we cannot live without money in the modern world.  
- I afraid "survive" implying biological living. We cannot survive without food, water and air but not without money.  
  
Riches benefit our relationship, health, education.  
- Succinctness is really important in task two because you have 40 mins only.  
  
Finnally (Finally?), you will have a lot of chances to approach the modern educational system base on your prosperity.  
- Use firstly, secondly, finally to link up the paragraphs only. You can replace it by moreover/ also.
## Teleworking

  
  
*"Teleworking", or the use of telecommunications to allow people to work from home, should be adopted by all employers in order to improve the quality of life of their staff.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?*  
  
At present, "teleworking" is the positive trend. However, I totally disagree that teleworking is applied for all kind of jobs.  
  
I admit that teleworking has good advantages. Firstly, teleworking help employees don't have to go to workplace, especially the employees who has a long distance to the firms. Secondly, employers have the less expenses of worker's transporting. Hence, company's budget will be saved. Lastly, all of the parties may interact easily by technology developments. For example, Japan is one of the nations which apply "teleworking" program. Thanks for this, workers can make ends meet right at home, and the traffic jams which is serious problem of "The land of Rising Sun" is reduced.  
  
On the other hand, there are some resistances if workers work at home. They will not have time enough to complete the tasks. For another way, the times for job will not be used efficiently, because the employees have to do other things. For example, the female workers which get married and have a child, beside they work at offices, they have to do the housework, such as cleaning, feeding. They don't totally focus on the work. Eventually, employees productivity will not be better than working at firms. Inspire of interaction, employers don't find easy to manage their staff due to they are not at workplace. If the employees work at firms, the atmosphere will be considerably improved, the staff may talk to each other, and make friends easier. Importantly, the efficiency of work is made sure.  
  
In conclusion, "teleworking" is a quite impressive idea. However, the efficiency of this model depends on characteristic of work or administrative ability of employers.
Bui, the essay will lose major points for not following the correct discussion format within your presentation. Since you said that you totally disagree with one side of the discussion, this should not have been discussed in a comparison opinion format. Rather, it should have represented only a single opinion as that is what you stated within your opening paraphrase. Had you said that you "partially" disagreed, then you could have used this current discussion format. The way you should discuss the opinion essay all depends upon the wording of the paragraph. Once the wording is wrong, you end up losing points considerations in the TA section, which is half the total score of the essay.  
  
Your formatting is also off. We need a total of 5 paragraphs in this essay task. An opening, 3 body paragraphs, and a conclusion. No paragraph should be less than 3 nor more than 5 sentences. You must also bear in mind that in order to gain a higher C&C score, a one topic per paragraph discussion should be implemented on your part. The examiner will be scoring you on the completeness of your explanation, not the number of reasons presented as under developed talking points in a paragraph. If the supporting discussions are weak, you cannot expect to get a high score in that bracket for scoring.  
  
By the way, your opening paraphrase needs work. You did not appropriately represent the restatement of the prompt as you began an immediate discussion of the topic. Something that is only done in a direct question essay, and after a proper retelling of the prompt discussion in your own words. Look over the examples of these "emotional" response essays here. Learn from their mistakes and apply the advice to your future writing. You do show a potential to become a good essay writer, the problem, is that you are not yet familiar with the various Task 2 essay discussion types. I urge you to familiarize yourself with the various types and how to discuss them in order to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again in your practice response presentations.
Hello thanh,  
  
Normally in the introduction (ielts) we have two part: paraphrase sentence, answer and introduction to your essay.The second part you did perrty well, however the first is not good.What do you think about this paraphrase sentence:  
  
"Teleworking", or the use of telecommunications to allow people ...  
  
=> Due to "Teleworking", or the applying of communication over distance to allow employees to work from home, some people think that all bosses should use it in order to develop the value of the life of their workers.  
  
Hopefully, it helps you.
Please ignore the odd structure because of the IELTS marking scheme.  
Focusing in grammar and sentence patterns is fine. Thank you!  
Below is the essay:  
  
## proportion of elder population in some three countries

  
  
The line graph illustrates the percentage of people aged 65 and above in three countries (Japan, Sweden and USA) from 1940 to 2040.  
  
Overall, the consumption of all countries rose over the period given. From the period started, the highest proportion of old people was in United States, which was replaced by Sweden between later 1990s and 2030, and following that Japan became the popular spread.  
  
The percentage of old American started at approximately 9% in 1940, then the figure fluctuated and increase to 28% in 2040. Likewise, in the first year, there were 7% of population aged 65 and over in Sweden. It climbed up at just over 25% in the final year after it experienced years of fluctuation.  
  
With regards to the proportion of elderly in Japan, it began at exactly 5% and went up dramatically to reach a high of 27% in the last year.  
  
*   
*Graph market*
Your report looks like enough word-under 150 words  
In the first paragraph, you can paraphrase "aged 65 and above" become "who are over 65 years old" in order to differentiate from the topic sentence.  
In the 2nd paragraph, It is not "consumption". You can write " the popularity of senior citizen in all countries".  
In the 3rd paragraph, "there were 7% of population aged 65 and over in Sweden" replaced by "there was 7% of the Swedish population is over 65 years old"  
  
"increase to 28% in 2040" replaced by "is predicted to increase to 28% in 2040"  
You should write "in the United States"  
The last paragraph, "reach a high of 27%" replace by "reach the highest point in this survey of 27% " or " peak of"
**Topic: In your opinion, why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modern electronic age?**  
  
## Circus Entertainment and Modern Life

  
  
Entertainment is a basic part of life. Circuses is a type of entertainment which appeared for a long time ago and become absolutely famous today. Based on my experience and observation, I think there are various following reasons cause this situation.  
  
At the first place, the circus always wins everyone's heart, children in particular. Obviously, all circuses are equipped a large number of color lights, outstanding shapes as well as loudly announcement. Especially, lovely animals and clown which attract children's attention, are essential there. When the young in a family want to come circuses, other members usually do together. Therefore, the circuses absolutely gain a primary position in entertainment demand of families.  
  
At the second place, the circuses are unique places for trained animal performances. For instance, if someone would like to enjoy a monkey-riding performance, they have to come circuses because there is no place excepted circus present that. For that reason, circuses are not replaced by any other kind of entertainment.  
  
At the third place, the entrance tickets of the circus are costly. It is suitable for all classes of people in society. Depending on the situation in the area the circus based on, the circus will prepare the number of performances that fit the people's living standard there and sell suitable classes of the ticket. Therefore, every citizen in the area are able to come and enjoy this mode of entertainment.  
  
In conclusion, the circus always plays a primary role in individuals' life because of its usefulness. However, it is necessary to make some change to keep pace with modern society in the future.
Nguyen, please remember that the keyword in the essay is "Circus" meaning only one, singular form. Circuses is the plural form. The plural form is not required in this instance because you are being asked to speak of only one circus reference in the essay. The comparison discussion you should have done in this essay to prove your point should have been based on the "electronics" argument of the original prompt. Anybody can see a circus or the circus acts online through YouTube. This makes your discussion regarding ticket prices and the ability to see peculiar acts incorrect. It would be cheaper to see a circus act on YT rather than spending to go to the circus to see the acts. Your discussion needs to have focused on the reasons why people would opt to go to the circus, as a form of entertainment, when they can get the same type of entertainment, with no extra charges, via YouTube. .While your discussion is acceptable to a certain degree, the grammar mistakes in relation to the C&C and GRA sections make the essay a bit difficult to read at times. That difficulty will result in a reduced score in the aforementioned scoring sections. Please improve your English vocabulary and sentence presentation skills in order to pull up your scores in those scoring sections.
Government should invest more money in science education rather than other subjects to develop the country. Do you agree or disagree?  
  
## science should obtain more concern

  
  
It is said that government funding for education should give preference to science-based subjects over others, in an attempt to help boost a countries future development and progress. Despite of the advantages of other disciplines to national progress, personally I strongly believe that science is the primary contributor.  
  
On the one hand, it cannot be denied that the study of many other subjects of education can also attribute to a countries progress. For instance, the arts allow societies and individuals to express themselves creatively through mediums such as music, film and other art forms. It can help to improve the quality of people's lives and fill the lifetime with human well-being.  
  
On the other hand, I content that science should be allocated more financial resources by the authorities for several reasons. Firstly, science is the origin of development in all fields. For example, in the research of history, science is the main tool to gain a better understanding of humanity. Secondly, the scientific and technological development of each country reflects the position of the whole nation. There are a great deal of prosperous countries in the world that have great scientific advances. Furthermore, science makes an important contribution to the survival and improvement of human beings. As a result, almost products which everyone is consuming are outcome of the study of scientific researches. In the other aspect, people are trying to find out the best measure for environment protection through science.  
  
In conclusion, the authorities should give all disciplines financial support to help towards a countries overall development. It is better that science should be obtained more concerns.
Hoa, you opening paraphrase is not an accurate restatement of the original prompt. Your discussion instruction line is also inaccurate as you are being asked for an opinion regarding agreement or disagreement with the statement. You responded with a discussion regarding which should be given the most responsibility instead. An inaccurate prompt restatement that gets a less than passing score will ensure that the rest of your essay gets low scores as well due to your discussing a different topic from the one stated for discussion. Aside from that, you discussed 2 points of view in this essay when the required point of view discussion is clearly indicated as needing to come from only one point of view. This is not a comparison point of view discussion. It is a singular point of view essay. These problems with your prompt deviation are what will cause this essay to get a less than stellar score had this been an actual test.
Hi, I am Yoki, I am from Japan and I am trying to do a search for China-Russia market.  
  
## Russia market towards China

  
  
There are a large increase amount of Chinese tourists travel to Russia every year. There are 1,360,000 travelers went to Russia in 2016, which has increased 21% compared with last year. From Jan 2016 to June 2016, there are about 599,000 people travel to Russia under the group travel visa-free condition, with year-on-year growth of 47%. Russia ranked as the 9th countries Chinese traveler ever visit in 2016, it still has a huge potential to grow.  
  
Selling point: ( 4 crucial points: TIME MONEY INTEREST ENERGY)  
The world's largest country offers it all, from historic cities and idyllic countryside to artistic riches, epic train rides, and vodka-fuelled nightlife.  
Affordable （currency exchange rate to rouble is low) cheap flights and hotels, it is cheaper from Oct to Feb.  
Culture attraction.(Communist party). Especially to Elders(40-70-year-old traveler)  
  
Current Market situation (based on research 2016)  
A. Busy season 75% Chinese traveler go to Russia from June to September at 2015  
  
B. Offseason:  
A huge increase in the amount of Chinese travel in offseason other than the busy season.  
Offseason traveling offers a price advantage and attracts travelers who are interested in skiing and snow.  
  
C. Moscow and St. Petersburg are most famous cities for Chinese traveler. 95% Chinese traveler only choose Moscow, St. Petersburg, Amur Region, Lake Baikal and Primorsky Krai.  
  
D. traveler mainly from the 1st Tired city, But traveler from 2rd tired city are growing.  
More direct flights from China to Moscow, Lake Baikal etc.  
  
F. Chinese travelers who travel in groups and organized by a qualified agency can have visa-free benefits for 15 days.  
  
E. 63%Woman >37%man  
50-60-year-old travelers> 60-70-year-old travelers> other groups
Yoki, I am not exactly sure about what it is that you want me to review here. If it is all about your grammar, then yes, it needs to be proof read and revised for proper presentation. However, I do not feel like this is a completed research paper at the moment so I would advise you to hold off on the editing until you finish writing the research draft. The discussion outline seems sound. However, I am not sure about what the point of the research is so I cannot accurately say that the outline was done well. There is a lack of references for your data, which could affect the validity of the information you are presenting. Since you only presented bullet points for the discussion, there is no information development included so it gets confusing to read at times. I do not know what the point is for the information so I can't really say that you have done a very good job so far. Maybe you can tell me what it is that you want to have reviewed and what the prompt for your research is so that I can try to come back and give you more appropriate advice?
## huge information data and its influence on human

  
  
The widespread use of the internet has given people access to information on a level never experienced before. How does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?  
  
It is an indisputable fact that, nowadays, Internet has a dramatic impact on human's life because of the free flow of information. This great influence can be seen in three main aspects demonstrated in the following essay.  
  
The first facet is associated with education. The access to abundant learning resources and global information from the Internet enables children in rural areas to receive an education chance they deserve. In the past two decades, the literacy rate in China has a significant rise by over ten percent. One particularly good example is that more and more children lived in a small village in Sichuan have been literate through the Internet. This outcome should be attributed to establishing the infrastructure of Internet in remote areas.  
  
The other aspect is conservation of paper resource. Being replaced by Internet, books are not the most important method of transmitting information, which has considerably decreased the demand of paper and greatly prevented forest from deforestation. Furthermore, it also saves a great deal of time by clicking on a button instead of searching library shelves.  
  
Despite these advantages above, the drawback of the free flow of information is that people have difficulty to tell its reliability in this information flooding generation. For instance, it is said that the U.S. election in 2016 was manipulated by Russia through inserting fake advertisement into Facebook and hacking American's identity. It is the most serious problem I have ever seen that the untruthful information on the Internet have the power of controlling the election of a country.  
  
In conclusion, although the flow of information has greatly benefited to human's life by increasing the literacy rate and conserving paper, it is undeniable that the social media should be properly regulated to avoid the case above happen again
... in the following ~~essay~~ paragraphs.  
  
... enables children in ~~rural areas to ... they deserve.~~ (No represent for the educational tasks of the internet). In the past two ... ten percent. (No match with statement).  
  
... have been literate through the Internet (the internet is only tool, cannot help directly).  
(in this paragraph, the cohesion among sentences are very loose).  
  
The other aspect is(*missing word)*conservation of ...
Li, your essay was going pretty well until you decided to discuss the US elections. Don't delve on discussing unproven and debatable facts as actual information in an essay. Stay neutral at all times. In case you missed it, your elections discussion forced a prompt deviation on your part. If you compare the topic for discussion and the discussion instructions you were provided, you went totally rogue with your concluding statement. This means that your essay was no longer on track with the discussion and as such, would have lost valuable points in the final scoring. A word of caution, please avoid making factual references to things such as percentages and placed in these sorts of essays. If it is not public knowledge and will require you to do research, don't even try to include it. Research is the one thing you will not have the time, nor the access to at the testing center. It is important that your discussions be based purely on commonly known information so that you can focus on proving your ability to write in English rather than your ability to research in English. The research part does not factor in the scoring and could prevent you from gaining additional time for the editing and finalization of your essay prior to submission.
*Question : Some people feel that boarding schools (where students or pupils live at school during the term) are an excellent option for children, while other people disagree for number of reason. consider both sides of this debate and reach a conclusion.*  
  
## a boarding school - is it a good choice?

  
  
Some people believe that taking their children into the boarding school is the best choice. However, this issue is not entirely straightforward, and arguments can also be made against the idea. This essay will discuss the debate and give a concluding view.  
  
On the one hand, the children who enter boarding school get used to be more discipline. That school implies tight rules and schedules that require students to obey them. By that mean, students learn how to manage their time effectively for studying, doing assignments and involving in various activities. In addition, the children are fully supervision by the teachers and this might find the best way to approach the students. Finally, the development of their skills and interests could manage well. Futhermore, the children might build an intense relationship with their friends and appear a good impact to motivate each other.  
  
However, opponents view the tight rules in boarding school could lead depression. Example can be seen in that school, the pupils are charged to run all activities based on the schedule, meanwhile the children in that age have high desire to play or curiousity to try range of activities that they interest to. This also could encourage the children to become rebel, the more we insist something on them, the more longing to neglect it. In addition, not all children could live apart from their family. Attending boarding school make them lose their family time and family interaction as well. Another argument is bbad friends trigger bad influence. The children have unstable emotion, whereas they could not differ the positive and negative effects.  
  
Overall, it seems advisable that the decision to join boarding school should be based on the children's desire and parents should observe well regarding the activity schedule and the environment.  
  
*Please give the **feedback** and **band score** for this essay, thank you :)*