dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the number of home-workers or learners is rising

  
  
Thanks to the easily accessible and inexpensive connection of computer, there is an acceleration in the number of home-worker and home-learner nowadays. From my perspective, despite numerous benefits which stem from this convenience, i hold a belief that it is a negative development.  
  
To begin with, the high-speed and time-saving are two most striking advantages of computer technology. With the available of Internet connection, a meeting or discussion can be held just by a click. Students can expand their studying sources apart from lecturers at school. In addition, it is also an useful way for people to save their time. The interval for transporting from home to work place or school can be eradicated while people can take advantages of using computer. Working or studying seems to be at people's fingertips with the support of computer technology.  
  
Although people can be beneficial due to this development, I believe that its disadvantages significantly outstrip. The lack of interpersonal communication is an inevitable problem. There would be no face-to-face conversations if people became sedentary and glue their eyes to computer screen. What is more, the effectiveness of work or studying is in a scarce secure. Take manual work as an example. Blue-collar workers should be trained by practical training sessions rather than online training courses. The similar pattern may be true with students. If it were not for teacher's support at class, they can not only rely on the Internet source for studying because of its unreliable information.  
  
In conclusion, it is positive for the general population to make use of technology for their own benefits. However, I think this development exert more negative impacts on society.
@thunguyen92  
Hey, welcome to the forum! I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope this somehow helps you.  
  
Firstly, the introductory portion is sufficient. I would only recommend that you utilize more practical terms that'll make your essay appear a lot more grounded. Doing this would definitely save you space and time in writing with efficiency. Take a glance at your first paragraph. There's certainly ways for you to compress the last sentence.  
  
Furthermore, it would be better if you had more concrete examples that'll vividly demonstrate your thoughts and opinions. If we take a look at the second paragraph, you could have demonstrated properly by picturing how people can "*take advantage of using computer*". Instead of mentioning it like this, go direct to an example of how people have taken advantage of it. What are the ways that the computer has contributed to making our lives easier in the long-run? The same goes for the third paragraph.  
  
The conclusive remarks were left at a rather stand-still mode. I would opt that you do not end your essay with vague sentences as it leaves more questions than it clarifies your content.
@Kewtkewt  
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you while you are learning. Don't be afraid to hit us up if you have more questions.  
  
Firstly, the content appears to have too many citation details. While these are generally alright, it would be better for you if you had scattered them more. Bear in mind that putting everything into one spot essentially does not give you space to place your critical thoughts into the essay. After every citation, you should have at least one or two sentences that'll serve as your personalized input. Remember that you cannot merely put this away.  
  
Furthermore, having a more balanced and organized approach to writing will bring you a long way. Remember that you should always try to capitalize on the potential of your writing through prioritizing and segregating the most important information (from the non-important ones). It is critical that you bear in mind how to distribute thoughts with keen insight.  
  
The conclusion as well can be strengthened. Try to incorporate more key details derived from different parts of the text.
## a reward or a punishment for a student?

  
  
**Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather punished. To What extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Education is the most essential part in one's individual success and the best place to start is school. In the process of making a student better, some people argue that students perform better when they are rewarded, in contrast, some believe in punishing. In my opinion both have their own merits and demerits.  
  
Firstly, many teachers use rewards in order to stimulate learning and to motivate good behavior in students. There are many advantages in using reward system as it increases motivation and boosts self - esteem of a studentstudent. In contrast, it can become addiction and students won't study anymore without them.  
  
Moreover, it will be illogical to reward a student when he/ her go against any rules and regulations of school. In such cases, school management should punish a student. This, not only represents a real world scenario but also teaches him it is bad to break rules. For instance, an adult is punished by the government when he/her breaks any rule in the society.  
  
Many teachers believe punishment will help students to perform better and to be disciplined in school. It also makes student to complete his / her home work on time.On negative note, some students might feel embarrassed and become introverts for getting a punishment in front of his class. Some students take tremendous pressure to complete assignments and finally end up harming themselves.  
  
In summary , every student cannot be changed using the same approach. I personally feel that it's teachers/ parents job to reward or punish a student based on the situation or past experiences. Both should be balanced in order to give better for a child.
@pavant96  
"To what extent do you agree or disagree?" is a question that already gives you one view and ask if you agree or not.  
Therefore instead of discussing both views and giving your opinion in the end, it's better for you to point out that you agree or disagree at the very beginning.  
  
You can search for the website IELTS Simon and look for the topic *IELTS Writing Task 2: the BIG mistake* for more info.  
Hope it helps :)
## the proportion of Australians who did exercise on a regular basis

  
  
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.**  
  
The bar chart compares the proportions of Australian males and females of different ages who did exercise on a regular basis in year 2010.  
  
Roughly speaking, females above the age of 25 tended to maintain a more regularly exercising habits than males, while males in the adolescence group accounted for more proportions than females.  
  
Looking at the comparison in details, we can clearly see from the bar chart that the figure for women exercising regularly gradually increased with age and peaked at the age around their fifties at 53.3%, and then slightly fell after age 54. By contrast, the proportion of men in their teenage years represented the highest among the 5 different age groups at 52.8%; however, the figure for the percentage of men dropped dramatically to its lowest point at the age of 35 to 44, and then showed a gradually upward trend after age 45.  
  
It is particularly noticeable that the gap between males and females narrowed at the age of 65 and over. Within this age group, the proportion of males doing physical activities on a regular basis was almost the same as that of females, which stood at 46.7% and 47.1% respectively.  
  
*
@alice1426  
Hey there, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors.  
  
Firstly, be cautious of your articulation with regards to grammar. Remember to be consistent with your tenses. If you started the writing with present tense, avoid shifting briefly in past tense. These sudden shifts often do not translate well in terms of your professionalism in academic writing.  
  
Try to also be more brief with the way that you utter. For instance, the third paragraph's introductory line could have been converted into something like: "*In detail, we can observe that the figure for women exercising regularly increased with age. It reached a peak in their 50s at 53.3% before it fell at the age of 54.*" Separating complex sentences will minimize potential damage into your writing. Bear this in mind at all costs.
## work versus fun

  
  
If someone asks you to go to the water park or to work in a restaurant. Which one would you choose? You probably have a clear distinction in mind but fun doesn't mean it's not useful and work can be very useless. So almost seems like the only difference is our willingness to pursue it.  
  
But first, clarify what is work. It's an activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result. First, it implies exhausted and difficulty. Second, it is reward oriented it already puts you in a mindset it's something you have to do. What about fun? Fun is an enjoyable activity in the present the journey itself is the reward and the activity is considered effortless. It's something you want to do. You probably wouldn't classify taking out the trash is fun unless you have some sweet method to do it. But you might not consider something incredibly useful work.  
  
If you a lot of video games all day long I know people certainly didn't consider productive and I did that. But the fact is you used a lot of effort to pursue an enjoyable activity all day long. If you did the same thing with work people would consider your crazy productive what if there are more activity like that or you can make other activities more fun.  
  
In my high school my favorite teachers were always the funny ones and this ties in because kids wanted to listen it never felt like work. It's the perfect way to plant a lifetime worth of disinterest. I still have topics I just hate because I have bad teachers in school and as far as I'm concerned that's a failing grade for the teacher but we all teach each other we are all teachers we are responsible to bring joy and fun and just share our passions.  
  
Work is inherently a short-term strategy you do it until something better comes along. If you live forever what would you do if money didn't matter what would you do? If you had a year to live what would you do? Easier than done preferably you want to pursue your passions. But first, you need to be open to the possibility of having fun when you decide to do something. If you order doing an activity. At least make it as painless as possible you often see people who just doing something like I'm doing this but having a bad mood and I'm not liking this. What's the point does that make it more fun not really. It certainly doesn't make it better.
@ayumiike  
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback helps you in your writing endeavors. If it does somehow, don't be afraid to come back to us.  
  
I'll try to move away from the specific feedback as the others have already provided this. Instead, I want to focus on giving general tips from my observations of your writing.  
  
Generally, your writing lacks the academic proficiency that is often sought after. This is due to the lack of punctuation. A few of the sentences appeared to be cluttered because of the lack of transition words as well.  
  
While you were able to incorporate as much detail as possible, your story-telling needs to be enhanced by adding more adjectives or descriptors. I've noticed how you had lacked depth primarily because of this reason. I heavily recommend that you focus on strengthening the way that you picture scenarios in your writing to have a more dedicated approach to writing.
@DoMinhTam  
Hey, welcome! I hope that this feedback becomes helpful to your writing. If it does, don't be afraid to come to me for more questions.  
  
First and foremost, the first portion of the essay, while straightforward, is quite unclear about what it wants to relay to the readers. I recommend that you focus on sharpening your usage of specific words, especially if you want a more technical formatting for your essay.  
  
The succeeding paragraphs appeared to be quite better in this regard. Because of this, I opt that you focus more on sharpening the general length of your writing. Notice that the second paragraph needs to be trimmed down more for you to have a more professional structure.  
  
Remember that compliance to the fundamental structural formats is critical when you are writing. This will ultimately dictate the level of writing that you will accomplish by the end.  
  
Best of luck!
## demographic trends in Scotland

  
  
The line graph presents the birth, death and the population growths of Scotland in 1940 with projection towards 2020. The most prominent feature was that the country's population was on the steady decline since 1955 and stopped growing all together by around the mid 2000s.  
  
The birth rate of Scotland dropped from 2.5% in 1940 and never returned to that mark ever since. Except for two brief periods of very modest recovery (1945-1950, 1965-1968), The country's birth rate plunged to roughly 1% in 1960. Since the 70s, the birth rate of Scotland was on a continuing downward trend to well below 1% around the 2010s. The trend is forecast to remain unchanged towards 2020.  
  
The death rate of Scotland declined from 1.5% in 1940 and leveled off at approximately 0.5% since 1955. In 2010, this feature witnesses a slow increase and is expected to follow an upward trend toward the end of the period.  
  
The figure for population growth of Scotland reached it's peak at 1.5% in 1955 after undergoing a notable drop to 0.5% in 1945. Since then, the proportion fell significantly over many next decades until hitting a trough and stopped growing by around the mid 2000s.  
  
----------I'm grateful for your help -----------  
  
*
@Thaophuoc  
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback becomes helpful for your writing endeavors. If it does, certainly do not hesitate to approach us for more input.  
  
I find that the structure of utterances on the analysis portion of the essay need a more stronghold approach. Take, for instance, the second paragraph's initial sentences. You had approached the writing with a lack of decent structure and organization. Try to utilize less of the parenthesis. I would also recommend trying to prioritize the information that you put out. Notice how messy it was when you had just simply placed midway in the paragraph the term "*since the 70s*" when you were previously following a time pattern.  
  
Try your best to stick with fundamental or simplified structures for your sentences as well. Doing this will make a clearer content for your writing.
## what British students do after they finish college?

  
  
The bar charts compare the destination of UK graduates and postgraduates who did not seek for a full-time job after graduated from college in 2008.  
  
It is clear from the first chart that there were four main destinations and that students, after leaving college, mostly went to pursue for further study, with a number as high as just under 30,000 people. By contrast, the least number of students chose voluntary work as their next step after leaving school.  
  
When it regards to postgraduates, we can also see from the second chart that students who did not go directly for work tended to show a similar trend as the graduates did. Among the four main destination, going for further study was still the main option for postgraduate students, reaching a total of 2,725 people, and those who chose to do volunteer work accounted for merely 345 people.  
  
In summary, we can easily tell from both of the bar charts that going for further study was the main choice for either graduate and postgraduate students who did not seek for a full-time work after leaving college, and that volunteer work remained the least popular option for them.  
  
*   
*source: www.testbig.com*
Task Achievement:  
- You did answer the question "what British do after they finish the college?"  
- Around 190-200 words -> fulfill the requirement  
- Overall key trends and have comparisons  
  
Coherence and Cohesion:  
- Information and ideas are described generally clear.  
- The way you describe the ideas, however, still a little confusing and wordiness  
  
Lexical Resource:  
- Has a basic range of vocabulary relating to this task, but still need more advanced and less common vocabulary  
- The introduction is paraphrased very little  
  
Grammatical Range and Accuracy  
- You did tried using complex sentence, but as mentioned before, quite wordiness.  
  
You can read the some sample answer on internet
## proposed sites for a new hypermarket in Pellington

  
  
The maps illustrate three prospective positions (A, B and C) for constructing a new hypermarket in the city of Pellington.  
[2] Overall, the main difference of three areas is the positions relative to the source of customers and the accessibility to transportation system.  
  
[3] On the ability of customers' approach, the A location seems to grab substantial numbers of people by situating in the residential area, close to the industrial zone → The location of A which is close to the residential zone brings to it the advantage in terms of attracting customer. [4] It is 15 km away to the northwest from the nearest town of Hampford of which population is 30000. [5] Meanwhile, the C is located in the suburb of city centre, which nearly to the industrial area. [6] In contrast, the hypermarket erected in B is likely to be impossible due to the considerably further location from the city along with the absence of other facilities and services.  
  
[7] The position of A is located closely to the traffic-free zone which is built next to the park, whereas there are two possibilities to reach C including the airway from the airport nearby and the railway. [8] By contrast, that B is situated along with the further motorway is the only accessibility observed.
@Harleydao  
Hey, welcome. I hope this feedback becomes useful for your writing.  
  
First and foremost, I would say that you need to focus more on making more concise sentences. The second paragraph needs to be tailor-fit for this purpose. If you are able to do this, you will be able to sustainably showcase the progression of the content in a better light.  
  
Furthermore, the organization of the content appears to be a little bit off-putting. Considering the numerous amount of information that you need to spread out, I recommend trying to put everything into a more meaningful context. Bear this in mind at all times.  
  
It would also be helpful to provide us with the image itself next time. This will help us assess your writing a lot more realistically. Best of luck regardless!
Hi @ Harleydao  
  
also working on IELTS, hope the following points will be helpful :)  
  
1) ... which ~~nearly~~ **is close** to the industrial area.  
  
2) In contrast, the hypermarket erected in B is likely to ...  
>> may sound a little bit wordy, perhaps you can begin the sentence with **In contrast, it is unlikely that the hypermarket erected in B since ...**
**More people decided to have children in their later age than in the past. Why? Do advantages of this outweigh disadvantages?**  
  
It is the fact that nowadays numerous adults have their first children in their thirties or more which is somewhat later than the previous generation. This trend, which is caused by several reasons, certainly introduces both merit and demerit, but it seems to me that the advantages do outweigh the disadvantages.  
  
There are some factors which in turn make people have babies at later age consisting of career orientation and cost expenses. About career path, many people give much more priority for their job in lieu of settling down and having babies because the belief that when they were young they could promote to upper position easily. When having a baby, they have to spend more time on their offspring which means it could hinder their determination and concentration on works, especially for women. Turning to other reasons relating financial aspect, the money for bringing up a child is so large. When a baby was born, there are myriad fees have to be paid such as hospital, health care, education, food and so on, which could be considered as a burden for some families.  
  
Some disadvantages may come from this idea including the negative influence on both the baby and pregnant, I, however, still believe that the benefits are worthwhile to do so. It is obvious that the more women aging, the more their health gets weaker and that might harmfully impact their pregnant period. Nevertheless, the decision having babies later gives parents more time to prepare deliberately not only financial support but also the education for their child. Indeed, children with older parents receive better education; the reason is that their parents have more experience in teaching them to be a good citizens. This trend, therefore, seems to be a good trend for society.  
  
In conclusion, both the favor of career and the financial factor are the main reasons to delay having babies in many families. Although this trend has some demerits, I still believe the huge benefits including better preparation are more dominant.
change "the" to "a" in your first sentence  
add an "s" to generation  
don't say "to me" in the last sentence of 1st P  
delete "do" last sentence  
change babies to children" and "consisting of" to "such as"  
delete cost"  
"~~about~~ in career path"  
add "off" in because the belief"  
"they"=> "one"  
"they have"=> "one has"  
remove "s" from work~~s~~  
delete "turning to other reasons relating"=> "In the financial aspect"  
"the money for" => "the cost of"  
delete "so"  
"was" => "is"  
add "that" to "myriad fees have"  
add "that" to some disadvantages\* may
**TOPIC: Some people think young people are not suitable for important positions in the government，while other people think it is a good idea for young people to take on these positions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## young or elderly state leaders?

  
  
It has long been argued whether the age matters or not when it comes to judging the suitability of a young men occupying crucial positions in governments. In my opinion, the advantages definitely outweigh disadvantages.  
  
By recruiting young people, the public sectors may benefit in many ways. Foremost, the young generation will introduce new ideas and knowledge to institutions, boosting innovative and creative solutions to long-existing organizational problems. In particular, the governments around world, facing rapidly changing environment caused by technological development, are in an urgent need to have more young people take part in public affairs. Furthermore, being in charge of important tasks provides young people with opportunities to sharpen their professional skills and build up confidence, urging them to take on greater responsibility.  
  
Some people are concerned that these young officials may pose higher risk on governments' decision-making and policy actions because they are inexperienced and immature in mental term. However, these drawbacks can be overcome by promoting team work within organization. The experienced and well-functioned bureaucratic system has the ability to support young leaders to plan and execute policies correctly.  
  
In conclusion, I strongly believe that the young people with great potential should get a chance to act as high-level officials. With their participation, governments are becoming more responsive and resilient in dealing with challenges encountered.