dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please anyone can help me with this Task 2 essay.  
  
**Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make? Has this been a positive or negative development?**  
  
my answer:  
  
It is obviously that we depending on technology in every aspect of our modern life. Human relationships are one of them; it has both sides positive and negative effects and that what we will discuss in this essay.  
  
Firstly, new technologies like smartphones and the internet have a direct effect at people interaction with each other. Applications like WhatsApp and Facebook are cheap and easy to use; everyone can send photos and voice messages and chat with anyone in the world. Moreover, businessmen can have a meeting on Skype for instance and each one in a different country. Education has a new path with these technologies. Virtual universities and education institutions have theirs platform on the cyber, so many students can have certificates and many skills and up-to-date knowledge from their rooms. Teachers and students can have online lessons so that give a diversity for everyone to expand their choice of learning.  
  
Secondly, new technology has another face. The most effect is isolating people from each other and leak in real interaction in general. For example, many young people prefer to have new friends through the internet rather than contact with their peers in the real world. That has a big result in their personality like fear from face to face conversation and physical activities which learn more skills with real friends. Physical problems can occur with lot of time at devices screens, many professional doctors are warning from eyes and body diseases which will be the number one among young people.  
  
In conclusion, we have to depend on technology which makes our life easier, but we have to use it in a proper way.
@jone75  
It is ~~obviously~~ obvious  
that we excessively~~depend~~ rely on ...  
it has both ~~sides~~ positive and negative effects  
and that what we will discuss in this essay, avoid inserting that sentence  
  
Firstly, instead use: First and foremost,  
  
have a direct effect at people interaction with each other  
Change to: have a direct impact on people's interaction with each other  
  
everyone can send photos,~~and~~ voice messages and chat with anyone ~~in~~ around the world
Jone, your overall score for this essay could be a 5 in terms of task accuracy. That is because the essay prompt clearly asked you to pick either a negative or a positive side to discuss in the essay. Instead, you opted to discuss both sides which meant that you did not really understand how you were being asked to choose just one topic to discuss. Next, your paraphrased prompt was not as close to the original prompt in explanation as it could have been. It is also too short as it is less than 3 sentences in presentation. All of these factors combined to lower your task accuracy to a 5.  
  
Cohesiveness and coherence shows your potential to improve in scoring. Your presentation could score between a 5 and a depending upon the other considerations that the examiner will have in considering your discussion presentation. Lexical Resource, could also range within a 5 or 6 because did try to use some uncommon words and the mistakes that you had in using the words did not really make it difficult to understand what you had to say. Grammar accuracy and range would also be scored a 6 at the most because your essay was not difficult to comprehend even as you tried to display your simple and complex grammar skills.  
  
Overall, I believe that your bandwidth score would be a 6. Next time, make sure to address the task as indicated in the prompt. Try to learn how to identify when you should discuss one or two sides in an essay. That will help to increase your task accuracy score and your overall bandwidth results.
Guys I need your 2cents on this argumentative essay  
  
**Factories not stadiums, is what we need. Do you agree?**  
  
While some people would argue that the factories cause pollution, however their existence serve more in society than do the stadiums.  
Factories play a major role in terms of providing us with the needed products we daily use, wear etc...) that is to say manufacturing is central to our modern life. We can tell of their importance in the example of self-manufacturing businesses rather than importing from big companies which find the benefit of it in every deal.  
  
Factories in fact are way more significant, and it is clear that the part the factories contribute with to help solve the unemployment issue is undeniable. The best example in light of this issue is; the foreign companies which set up successful production businesses creating more jobs to help thousands of thousands of people. As a result, the economic growth rises, and so the country's situation improves to flourish.  
  
In spite of the positives the factories come with, they could pose a big problem to society just as would the stadiums do with the unreasonable, extravagant investments. So the factories are indeed pollutants, they cause a huge environmental pollution problem by acidifying rain, chemical spills and disposal of toxic waste. A one example explains it, is of the greenhouse gases from the burning of fossil fuels which terribly is the source of the pollution harming.  
  
It has been shown that the factories' contribution to society is more worthy as opposed to the stadiums which do not come with much to society. On the other hand, factories are a danger that threatens the stability of society with the massive pollution problem.
Azeddine, Somehow I don't feel like you posted the complete prompt along with the essay. The reason that i say that is because your paraphrased presentation of the topic is extremely short. Therefore, it does not accurately deliver the pertinent information necessary to consider your paraphrasing complete. It should be at least 3 sentences long to be considered even remotely a complete restatement of the prompt. You only have one sentence. The problem with that statement is obvious.  
  
Watch your punctuation. Do not use etc. and ellipses in formal and academic writing. That is a violation of writing etiquette and shows a lack of professionalism on your part. If you must, mention 3 related points and then end the sentence. Never use "etc." Another thing, what is with that rogue parent in the second paragraph? You did not bother to proof read this before you submitted it did you? You have to make proof reading and editing second nature to you when writing these essays. Specially when your passing a test relies on it as in this case.  
  
Your argument regarding the lack of need for stadiums could have been better presented if you had bothered to develop the paragraph that supported that stance in a separate paragraph. By including it in the discussion of the warehouses, you did not really give the reader a chance to get to know the other side of the argument. Thus creating a lopsided discussion that was more slanted towards your chosen position. This does not allow the reader an educated opportunity to decide which side he would like to support.  
  
Basically, the essay could have been better developed and presented. I have offered you some comments that you should keep in mind as you develop your writing skills with your upcoming essays. I hope to continue to see improvement in your written work as the days go on.
Firstly your title is okay, but it is not necessarily eye catching as most articles try to be. Maybe try something like "The career woman, economic inequality's rival." Try to tease it out a bit more.  
  
Your statistic and logic is sound, but your authority is undermined by your over use of personal pronouns and "like" phrases. "We" provides emphasis and is used perfectly in your conclusion but try and take yourself out of the essay, no matter how personal you may feel to your topic. You passion can be seen without you telling us that you are passionate.  
  
Overall a good start!
Chizaram, your title is as stale as day old bread. There is nothing unique about it that makes it pop off the page or encourages anybody, specifically the females, to pick up their table to read your article. You need to come up with a stronger title for your article. One that clearly represents the thesis statement of your essay and encourages the women to learn from it. Here is a trick that I learned while I was enrolled in creative writing class. The title of the story, or in this case, the article, can be developed last. That is because you should focus on creating the content first. The title, comes after you have completed your writing. That is because there is a tendency for the title to be developed during the writing process.  
  
So if I were you, I would first, clarify the topic for discussion, because right now, the essay has a very broad coverage and doesn't really have a clear focus that the reader can be interested in, then, I would review my article and try to come up with a snazzy title based upon some of the information that pops at me while I read it. Right now, the article doesn't have any new information to present to the readers. There is nothing you have mentioned that have not been mentioned in other articles before. If I were you, I would focus the article on "Feminism in Nigeria: The Rise of the Career Woman" instead. That way the article can focus on information that other women may not know about but would actually want to learn about.  
  
The article can talk about feminism as an ideology in your country, how women are taking to representing that in the workplace, and present some female role models in your country and how they have overcome obstacles to become a successful career woman there. That is the kind of article that would stand out and make the readers willing to read about it.
Thanks Holt I always look forward to get your feedback. I hope you don't mind if I use the topic you suggested? I just had career women in mind writing that but thanks for helping me. Going broad on the topic will make my article the same old stuff or no story at all but from the topic you just gave I think focusing on a particular place like Nigeria is great cause I am even getting ideas right now and I could go deep into feminism and some sexist laws. When I am through with the revised version I will update that here for review. thanks
Go ahead and use my suggested title and topic if you wish to Chizaram. I am glad that I was able to be of help to you. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or if you are uncertain about something. I will be here to assist you in whatever capacity I can. I would be honored if you would use the title I gave you. Here is another suggestion if you don't mind. Try to find the top 3 feminists in Nigeria and make sure to work them into your report. That way you can show that feminism in on the rise and is very much active in the Nigerian career scene. It is pivotal that you also show a short history of women's rights and their treatment in your country throughout the ages. If there is a particular date that is relevant to the women's rights movement there, make sure to include it in your report. Remember, the history of the feminist movement is just as important as discussing is current status in Nigeria. History will be the basis of your modern outlook in this case. Good luck with your article. I look forward to reading it.
Writing Practice for TOEFL IBT Preparation  
  
This is the instruction for writing section :  
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed.  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
And this is my essay.  
  
(Introduction)  
A lot of businesses are using varieties of methods to let people know and attracted to their products. The common and fastest way to do it is by television advertising. It is a favorite methods for many business because it can reach millions of people just showing for 10 seconds. However, businessman should be selective in choosing their target audience especially to children. From my opinion, young children who aged between two to five should not be the target of such advertising.  
  
(First reason)  
Young children don't have enough consideration to decide what is right and what is wrong. If they like it, then they would want it despite the disadvantages that can happen to them. It is because they don't know what disadvantages can possibly happening to them. A four year old kid is happy to grab a handful of gummy bear candy everyday he passed through a mini mart. The boy likes it because the sweetness and the texture of the candy but he doesn't know that by consuming it too much can lead corrosive teeth and high sugar level in his blood.  
  
(Second reason)  
Young children can't control their impulse. They will cry aloud when something they want to is prohibited or taken away from them. It is because at the time they only act according to impulse. If they want something they must have it. They won't listen to explanations.  
  
(Third reason)  
The thinking pattern of young children is still developing. By accepting a particular ideas, can shape it the wrong way. Many years ago there is a new reported that a boy jumped out of window because he want to fly like a superhero he watched on TV. Children learn from mimicking and it is dangerous if any of actions displayed in the advertising was performed by the children without any parental guidance.  
  
(Conclusion)  
Advertising should be responsibly shown only to particular target audiences who can make decision for their selves. Young children aren't in this category because their behaviors are influenced solely of interest and not knowing the consequences.  
  
I really appreciate your advice on my essay. Thank you in advance.
Hi Veronica. This essay is well thought out, has understandable reasons, and shows that you gave a great deal of thought to the examples that can best support your opinion of the given topic. I must tell you that I feel you could easily get a 4, at the very least, on this essay. There are some points that can be elaborated upon a lot more, such as the reason why you feel that the temper tantrum a child throws in an effort to get what he wants makes targeted advertising a bad thing. Considering that the only objective of the advertisement is to make a sale, regardless of how that sale happens.  
  
Overall though, the essay is well organized. Just don't outline your essay in this particular format during the actual test. This format is only applicable for the first few practice essays as you try to memorize how to best develop the paragraphs. Don't make it habit to always write in this format. While there are some grammatical issues in the essay, these are negligible enough because it does not detract or change the message of the sentence that it is contained in. You should be pretty proud of the way you developed this essay. You are really off to a good start. I hope to see more of your writing, with improvements, over the coming days.
The line graph below shows the number of annual visits to Australia by overseas residents. The table below gives information on the country of origin where the visitors came from.  
  
My biggest problem druting the writing was to combine the overview information for the table and the graph, as i was not able to combien the two sentences. I will appreciate, if you give me suggestion how to do it and how is my try.  
  
ielts-mentor/writing-sample/academic-writing-task-1/94-academic-ielts-writing-task-1-sample-6-number-of-annual-visits-to-australia-by-overseas-residents  
  
The line graph provides the information about the number of people who visited Australia in the period between 1975 and 2005, while the table specifies on the nationality of the tourists. It is clear to see that, the number of visits by overseas residents increased significantly throughout the given period, as for the background of the tourists - an uplifting trends were observed in every single country listen in the table.  
  
In 1975, Australia was visited by 1- million overseas residents. During the following 10 years, a went up by 50% was observed in the people attending Australia. The increasing trend continue and approximately 24 million tourists visited the country, but the peak in the number of visitors was experienced in 2005, when the amount of tourists skyrocketed, as more than 30 million people visited the country.  
  
During 1975, the greatest proportion of tourists was the Japan's, closely followed by the South Korea's. proportion. Both Europe's and Britain's proportions were of about 1 million, whereas the number of visitors from USA and China was of respectively, 04 and 0,3 million. In 2005, the biggest exceed was experienced by Japan's proportion, as it went up by nearly 4 times compared to its preceded rates. Another major increases were observed by the figures of South Korea and Europe, while the uplifts in China, USA and Britain were not as significant.
Combining the information from the graph and table into the overview sentence is quite simple. You don't need to worry about that. I think that it is better to simplify your overview sentence rather than make it complicated like what you have done in your essay. Instead of writing this sentence:  
  
- ~~It is clear to see that, the number [...] observed in every single country listen in the table.~~  
  
You can simply write like this and it is acceptable:  
  
- *Overall, it can be seen that, the number of visitors who visit Australia showed a significant upward trend whereas Japan appeared to be dominant amidst five other countries throughout the period.*  
  
As you can see, both noticeable data are clearly depicted in the example that I have given to you. Additionally, I also notice some repetitive patterns in your body paragraph. Try to start everything clearly since the very beginning. The examiner might confuse when looking at your body paragraphs. You did write the first sentence for each without saying which data that come from either the line graph or the table. At least you need to mention them once in the beginning part to address the examiner and improve your clarity as well.
**Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children).  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Today's issue is taking a part in community service as volunteers. Obviously, this concern is proliferating and gaining fame among secondary school students. However, the impact of this activity has come under scrutiny and has been concern for many people. While it is unacceptable since this activity will disturb their time to study, it is argued that through community service, learners will improve their social aptitude and prepare them to obtain interesting job through developing team building skill.  
  
What is required for high school learners to evolve their social skill is participating in unpaid community service. With this concern, this activity can give the students a taste of discussing with another member to sharpen their skill. William James Halley Park, an educational expert, argued that unpaid community service should be a mandatory sphere in secondary school. This result was that students will boost their confidence to interact with other people, with having bravery to speak up in the public. All in all, it is argued that such this activity is pivotal factor to burgeon their self-development.  
  
Inevitably, headhunter will take experience regarding volunteers in unpaid community service into account to hire potential skilled employees. The reason is perfectly plain that the experience had the potential workers will give the company the edge. A 2015 Conventry University study revealed that people who participated in such community service would have valuable work in comparison with them who did not take a part in this activity. In consequence, this activity had advantages over the learners engaging in this project. Hence, it is clear for the purpose of getting suitable job, working as volunteer in unpaid community service is an enormously crucial instrument.  
  
In conclusion, I do really believe that this activity will give the merits to high school students. In any case, this activity can sharpen their aptitude to communication with each other and gaining better job. Where possible, this activity should be a mandatory subject in the school.
Hi,  
  
The question is specifically asking whether you agree or disagree with the idea of "unpaid community service being a compulsory part of high school programs". I don't think it's necessary to use "William James Halley Park's comments". Because those, agreeing or disagreeing, are not your opinions. Try to state your own ideas.  
  
The main tone of your essay seems to be "does unpaid community service have benefits or not" whereas the question's main focus is on the " being compulsory or not".  
  
If you will conclude your essay with "agreeing", then you should stick to the "agreeing" ideas from the beginning to the end instead of comparing both in such a short essay.  
  
I hope these suggestions were helpful.
Para 1:  
1- issue is about taking ~~a~~ part in  
2- been a concern for many people.  
  
Change of structure of last part of para . Try this:  
" **while it will inconvenience students by disturbing their study schedule, it will improve their social aptitude and provide them with co-operation skills necessary for a respectable job.** "  
  
Para 2:  
1- **Respectively** in place of 'With this concern'  
2-  
This result was that students will boost their confidence **by** interact**ing** with other people, ~~with~~~~having~~**utilizing**bravery to speak-up in the public. All in all, it is argued that such ~~this~~ activity is pivotal ~~factor~~ in burgeoning their self-development.
*Obviously, this concern is **proliferating** and gaining fame ...*  
*... is pivotal factor to **burgeon** their self-development.*  
*... interact with other people, with having **bravery** to speak up in the public*  
*Inevitably, **headhunter** will take experience regarding ...*  
  
I think I'm seeing a misuse of thesauruses here. Sometimes you don't need to find different, fancy words like "headhunters" to replace "employers", since it can be inappropriate. Instead, try to find alternatives for "concern", "skills", or "community service".
Sun, you did very well for yourself in terms of developing your discussion essay. However, you were prevented from developing a satisfactory explanation of your argument because of your difficulty in using English syntax and vocabulary. The grammar was quite problematic in the sense that, although you are using the right term, you are not properly defining the context of the word in the manner of your use. Don't get me wrong though, you adequately displayed a critique o the argument along with an acceptable presentation of effective writing. That is why you could probably get a score that starts at the baseline of 4 with this essay. I never score on the increment side because I am not sure about how the actual reviewer would rate the existing problems of the paper. So I always deliver only the base score.  
  
As a final word of advice, you need to work on using your transition words in order to create a more cohesive and coherent paragraph discussion. Don't be afraid to use connecting examples whenever possible. Show your full writing abilities at all times. That is the only way to get a higher score on this paper. You just need to practice developing your English sentences. Your sense of logic, understanding, and ability to explain yourself is already there. It just need to be improved upon.