dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Some people hold that it is the television that alienates the relationship of family members. To what extend to you agree or disagree?  
  
Here is my essay:  
  
## TV screen can strengthen the bonds among family members

  
  
With the blooming of many inventions over past decades, TV has find its way to become an important part of our daily life as it is very convenient for recreational and news spreading purposes. However, some people are convinced that television has taken up too much time and it is the cause that distances the relationships within family. I am only partially in agreement with such statement for the following reasons.  
  
First of all, I agree that nowadays, as TV is a very convenient and available ways to destress, many people are spending too much time screening it instead of talking to their family members. However, I believe that it is not the TV to blame, but the lack of communication within the family itself that creates such behavior. If family members are more actively engaged in communicating with each other, such as asking about their working day, talking more about mutual interests, the time individuals spend on just watching TV should be reduced significantly.  
  
Secondly, the fact that television gives people more mutual grounds cannot be denied. As family is a group of people of different range of ages and interests, it is hard to find a mutual concern for everyone to talk about. However, TV provides people with handy daily news both domestically and internationally, music programs, or series of movies, and so on, which everyone can talk about while enjoying their family's meals. For instance, in my family, both young and elder generations enjoy watching Big Bang theory, MasterChef, and we discuss and share our opinions about the show. Watching TV together can be considered an adhesive device that connects family members as well as helps each one rewind after such hardworking day. What is more, through discussion over a TV show, family members may have more chances to get to understand each other better.  
  
In conclusion, I am convinced that TV does not taint or alienate the relationships within a family, and if the time devoted to watching TV is proper, such small screen can strengthen the bonds among members.
Chantel, you have acquitted yourself very well in the opening statement. It is a confident reproduction of your original prompt requirements. The fact that you knew to measure the degree of your agreement with the statement shows that you took the time to carefully analyze the statement and consider the related factors. I just hope that you did not take too much time in considering your response because time is of the essence in writing these Task 2 essays. You don't have the luxury of time to seriously analyze and consider your response to the essay. Don't take more than 10 minutes to analyze the topic and formulate a draft response ok?  
  
Now, for the actual essay, the second paragraph is not really remarkable nor impressive since it doesn't related directly to the statement that you made in your opening paragraph. The real strength of this essay is in the way that you developed the third paragraph, which would have been better to present as your second paragraph because it directly relates to your opinion on the matter. In this type of essay, you need not discuss both sides, just the side that you are agreeing to. Make sure to indicate a more solid degree of agreement in the statement by indicating that *"My partial agreement with the statement is based upon my personal experience regarding the matter."*  
  
Your concluding statement is good but improperly presented. The concluding paragraph would have been even stronger if you had presented the information in individual sentences. These related sentences would have resulted in an excellent summary of the prompt, discussion presented, and your personal opinion on the matter.  
  
Everything considered, even with the errors that you made, I must acknowledge that you have the potential to perform very well in this section of the test. You just need to develop your essay writing and analytical skills over time and more practice tests.
**"Fatherhood ought to be emphasized as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up"  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## both parents should devote their time to children

  
  
Many people have contrasting views about where mother or father should pay much their attention to grow their children than the other side. While mother plays an important role in bringing kids up in most of the traditional families, I do believe fatherhood is as vital as motherhood, especially in terms of equality in sharing works and knowledge they can both bring to their children.  
  
To commence with, the definition of "family" has been changed over the time and recently father and mother should share their works with each other to convey the idea of equality to their kids at his or her very first stage. In my judgment, men are no longer breadwinner of the family in modern times, women can also earn money for additional expenses of their babies. On the other hand, men should also take care of housework besides their wives such as play with their children, spend time feeding babies, etc. It is likely that the children will feel the balance of acquiring care from both mom and dad.  
  
Not only is sharing works a positive way to do their children good, but knowledge and experience they can teach their babies are crucial as well. As men and women often have different views about some specific problems, their point of view somehow takes great effect on their children's thinking. That the way mother and father give their knowledge to their children in distinctive aspects of things can trigger their kids to broaden his or her mind to a practical problem so that they can evaluate issues more objectively.  
  
In conclusion, although many people still put this problem on top of deciding whether motherhood is essential in raising children and vice versa.  
Nowadays, in many families, many mothers become a breadwinner in finance and their husbands take the time to take after their kids so the space of earning money for families and doing chores is much closer than ever. To help children develop in a proper and comprehensive way, both parents need to devote their time to children's progress.  
  
(342 words)
Khoa, you need a sense of clarity and prompt adherence in your opening statement. While you did make a convincing paraphrase of the original prompt, the instruction regarding the extent of your agreement or disagreement with the statement is not really clear. A clearer version of this opening statement can be found below:  
  
*While women have the final decision as to whether or not to have babies, I do not believe they alone have the right to raise the child. Other people believe that the presence of a father in a child's life is also important. So fatherhood carries equal weight when it comes to raising the child. Based upon several reasons that I will be presenting in this essay, I hope to convey the extent of my agreement with those people who believe that fatherhood is just as important as motherhood.*  
  
Your simple English sentences manage to get your point across to the reader. That is good work on your part. However, you have a tendency to write in a relaxed manner when this essay requires consistent academic writing. Try to avoid using words like "etc." and other abbreviations in your essays as that signifies non-academic writing principles and could have an adverse effect on your score.  
  
Work on improving your concluding paragraphs. Bear in mind the reason why the concluding paragraph exists. That is to remind the reader about the topic being discussed, the reasons presented in relation to the discussion, and what your opinion of the matter is. You can highlight the concluding paragraph by starting it with terms like " In conclusion", "Finally", "In the end", and "To close this discussion", among other references to the closing statement. Remember, no new information. A paragraph with new information presented is not considered a conclusion. If you count 3 reasoning based paragraphs in your essay, the next paragraph should be the conclusion.  
  
I am not sure why there is additional information after your single concluding sentence. Did you forget to delete that? It doesn't sound like it is part of the conclusion you had developed.
@daiha20082009  
Hi Khoa Thanh, overall I think, at some points you've addressed the task question, but may be not very clearly and fully answered what was asked, the language used may be a little casual for an academic writing as well.  
  
Like @Holt has mentioned, I think you should include your point of view of agree/ disagree or partially agree with the statement.  
  
Also I think there's a prob with the word 'besides' in this sentence "On the other hand, men should also take care of housework ***besides*** their wives such as play with their children, spend time feeding babies, etc."
**Although more and more people read the news on the Internet, newspaper will remain the most important source of new for the majority of people.  
  
Do you agree or disagree with that statement?**  
  
## The internet or newspaper?

  
  
It's undeniable that Internet has become popular all over the world. Some people claim that the Internet can replace every kinds of transporting information to people while the remainder believe that traditional newspaper still hold the most necessary position among news reader. In my view, I'm completely in favor of the first idea due to the benefits it offers.  
  
First and foremost, the internet is more attractive because of its easy access. Thanks to the appearance of internet on almost portable devices such as mobile phone, people can search for huge storage of news. Take the terrorization in November in 2015 happened in Paris for example. Just after a few minutes, it was updated on the internet and received a lot of sharing as well as contribution from global citizens. In contrast, with confusing procedures like editing and printing, everyone will know clearly about that news through the internet before the newspaper is public.  
  
The second thing attracts people to read news online is that not only can they read but they also can be more interested in watching with real images. Rather than reading a long writing on newspaper or websites, people can listen to the announcer with a series of pictures illustrating for the news. Furthermore, newspaper can be easily lost but the internet will save eternally. For instance, a soccer fan can re-watch football matches anytime with only a tablet or a laptop connected the internet which we can never enjoy on newspaper.  
  
In conclusion, it is rather absurd that newspaper is the most crucial source of information because it's nearly impossible for it to keep up with the speed of updating news on the internet.
@kiki2807 why are you saying that you are "in favor" of an idea when the essay is asking you for your agreement or disagreement to the topic being presented? Use the correct keywords in representing your opinion in the essay. The correct last sentence for your essay would have been *"I disagree with the statement that newspapers will remain an important source of news."*  
  
When you failed to use the correct keywords from the original prompt, you changed the discussion instructions for your essay from the original and as such, will severely affect your final score. This is not just a mark down, this is a distinct failing score in the Task Accuracy portion because you misunderstood the instructions and therefore, presented the wrong discussion for the topic. Once you fail in the task accuracy portion, it will be difficult to recover enough to get a passing score using the remain scoring considerations.  
  
Your conclusion managed to get your discussion back on track though. However, make it a practice to use more academic words rather than terms such as "absurd" because that is not considered an academically respectable term. Properly summarize your discussion and reasons and then close the essay with a restatement of your opinion. 3 sentences will suffice in your conclusion, properly reflecting the points I mentioned, to help improve your low task accuracy score.
TOPIC: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is better to use printed material such as books and articles to do research than it is to use the internet. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.  
  
## sources for information materials

  
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In the past, without the widespread presence of the Internet, people made use of printed materials for information. However, the Internet apparently wires in every corner of the world by now. Hence, most information now is referenced from the Internet, which I am totally in favor of. This essay will explore the reasons for my choice.  
  
To begin with, searching for information from the Internet is less time-consuming than from books and articles. It is because of the introduction of searching engines, which allow the exploration of millions of data. All users have to do is to type down the questions that they feel dubious, and all sorts of answers emerge at the click of a button. For example, when an Internet user asks for "How to say hello in English", the searching engine on the Internet will reply with thousands answers on the dot. Compared to the printed one, it is far faster. On using books, readers have to look up the content and spend time looking for the pages. For this reason, it would take at least several minutes to do the book-searching procedures.  
  
Secondly, the Internet can provide more sufficient answers than the other can. The Internet is dominated by billions of people. Among these people, there are possibly thousands of experts coming from different fields. So, when someone proposes a question, it can be answered by different experts. Consequently, the response to the question may possibly never get inaccurate. Meanwhile, the author who writes a book, whose authority on their subject might be profound, can make a mistake. But, since he authorizes the book by himself, the mistake will surely be overlooked. A classic case in point for this is the recently published result from the findings from Harvard University. It has pointed out clearly that nearly 75% of the book contains some erroneous details, while the Internet only publishes 20% false information. Finally, the finding constitutes a conclusion that the reliability of the Internet overwhelms that of the printed material.  
  
In the final analysis, the Internet is a worthier source of reference for researching than the other one. Therefore, we should appreciate the essence of the Internet for researching purpose because the Internet are not sure to be here to stay.  
  
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Thank you for commenting on my essay! I am so grateful that you guys could help!
Minh, your body paragraph for your reasoning is acceptable. The problem is that your opening paragraph and concluding paragraphs still have an improper presentation. For one, the way that you represented the paraphrased prompt in the opening statement, you are not accurately retelling the topic and instructions from the original. Your paraphrase actually had you representing a different topic for discussion. One of the correct ways to have opened the essay is as follows:  
  
*These days, there are two different ways to accomplish research work. The first one, is by consulting and referring to books and the other, is by conducting an internet search. Some people say that it is better to use printed material rather than the internet. I disagree with this statement and I will be presenting reasons and examples below to help explain my disagreement.*  
  
Do you see how I used keywords from the original in order to paraphrase the original statement? This presentation tells the reviewer that I understood the essay requirements and will be discussing it in the suggested manner of the original prompt. This strong paraphrasing representation will immediately insure that I get the highest possible marks for the the task accuracy section of the essay. Meaning I have a better chance of passing the overall essay requirements because of the impressive paraphrasing.  
  
Your concluding statement is not even near the required elements for it to be considered acceptable nor a proper conclusion. If I were to write the closing statement for this essay I would probably have said:  
  
*Due to the ease by which a person can do research using the internet and the fact that the internet is easier to access than most books, I will reiterate my disagreement with the opinion that it is better to use printed material than the internet. Research done using more accurate sources, such as those found on the internet, assures the researcher that his work will have verified and up to date information as opposed to dated book references. Printed material is not better than the information found on the internet.*  
  
By the way, in reference to your data from Harvard University, please do not mention any researched information because you won't have access to , nor have the time to do actual research during the exam. Use only common knowledge, personal experience, or personal opinions which will further help increase your score because this will show the examiner that you know how to relate your personal side with the given discussion in an appropriate and applicable manner. This will result in an increased score consideration in the end.
**Some people choose to eat no meat or fish. They believe that this is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world as a whole.  
  
Discuss this view and give your own opinion.**  
  
## avoiding meat or fish in everyday menu

  
  
To choose what type of food we prefer to feed ourselves, there are some considerations to take into account: the sustainability of the production mechanism and how healthy it is to eat different types of foods. For example, there are some people that believe that eating meat and fish is unhealthy, and it could damage our environment. In my case, I think that animal products, especially meat and fish, are very important to the nutrition of our bodies. In some cases, producing - for example - vegetal products could be more harmful to the world. In this essay, we are going to discuss the first statement, and my point of view about this interesting topic.  
  
In terms of the nutritional contribution, consuming meat and fish gives us nutritional components like proteins, which are very important to keep our bodies working. Proteins help us to be stronger, and are very important to the growth of children. Although, proteins could be obtained from different sources, animal food is the most important origin of these components. For that reason, removing meat and fish from our diet could be harmful to our body, if we do not replace these with other protein sources.  
  
To discuss about how good the production of meat and fish is for our environment, we need to know an important fact: producing different kinds of food needs natural resources which are scarce. In that way, people that believe that the production of animal products have negative consequences on the sustainability of the world, are not totally right. compared to the production of vegetable products, animal products could be more efficient in terms of resources used, like water. For example, production of hydroponic vegetables use a lot of water, so if we just eat vegetable food, it does not ensure that the earth will be better. To avoid negative effect of the production of animal food, we have to encourage the sustainable production of meat and fish.  
  
In conclusion, people that choose not to eat meat and fish could provoque negative effects on the health and it does not guarantee a positive effect on the sustainability of our environment. Having a balanced diet is going to be the healthy way to live, and stimulating the sustainable production of animal food will be a good way to maintain the equilibrium of our world.
Matias, in the opening statement, you are expected to simply restate the prompt for discussion, the side of the issue presented in the prompt, and an indication of your personal opinion. You are not allowed to openly discuss information in this paragraph, more so information that is not found in the original prompt requirement. Your opening statement, due to the problem with the presentation has ensured that this essay will not get a satisfactory score from the reviewer. The opening statement is the most important part of any English test so you have to get the paraphrased requirements right. This part of the essay accounts for at least half of your essay score so if you cannot do well in the other portions, at least get the opening statement right in order to give your essay an increased chance at a decent score.  
  
Your body paragraphs also contain lengthy sentences that should have been cut short in order to present them as sentences. You have run-on sentences composing the essay because you chose to use a comma instead of a period to separate your thoughts. This makes the paragraphs difficult to read and understand for the examiner. Sadly, these serious grammar accuracy problems will further reduce the points that you could have received for that section of the essay.  
  
My final observation is that you do not have an accurate concluding paragraph in this essay. What you have is an additional paragraph that represents additional information. When you write a concluding paragraph, make sure that you accurately sum up the discussion previously presented. That is all that the concluding paragraph should do. No additional information required. Remember, you have a 5 paragraph maximum requirement for the essay. Work on your presentation skills as well in order to further improve your scores in all 4 scoring considerations.