dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello, teachers. I am preparing for IELTS recently. Here is my first try on an essay, which is from IELTS Cambridge12, Test7, Task2. Would you please give me some advice to improve it and a band? Thank you a lot:)!  
  
## new railway lines or development of old public transportation?

  
  
Topic:  
In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transportation. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
  
Here is my essay:  
  
Transportation construction has been a major concern for a long time. Needless to say, it is because planned transportation would boost a place's economy. Some people argue that we should spend a lot of money building new railways for very fast trains to connect cities, while some think to improve the public transportation we have already had so far is the first thing to do.  
  
I totally agree with these two perspectives. Very fast trains do play an important role in promoting economic development, partly because they can combine business works in different cities in a country, and that will enhance the efficiency on working. The other reason is that people wouldn't be restricted by transportation from choosing their works. Some people, for example, may give up their dream jobs for the reason they want to live with their family, but cities where they live aren't the same ones in which they work.  
  
The situation truly happened in Taiwan. We built High-Speed Railway, which is known as HSR, around ten years ago. From then on, cities have become more prosperous and the scales of companies been enlarged. On top of that, Students and people who leave hometown for their works can go home more often, and more and more people take HSR to work every day, so they can spend more time with their family, which both have strengthened family bonds.  
  
On the other hand, though, improving existing transport systems is also an important fact that I cannot deny. We still have a few problems with them, such as traffic jams or too old public transportation. Spending money repairing them can build connections between urban and rural areas, and that can also bring benefits to a country. For instance, if people who were in rural areas could go to cities more easily, they would have more possibilities to be employed. Solving the problems of traffic jams could reduce the time which people spend on traffic, so they would have more time on their recreation or family.  
  
In conclusion, I think they both can bring inhabitants wellfares, so both are important; we cannot spend money only on one of them. Therefore, the major problem for government is planning well for spending our taxes on new railway lines and old public transportation.
This was never an agree/disagree essay prompt. Why did you discuss it that way? The prompt discussion instruction is clear:  
  
*Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
Therefore, by indicating:*I totally agree with these two perspectives.* You have changed the full prompt discussion requirements. Which means, you failed to properly address the task. TA score: 1 - Your response did not respond to the task. Again, the task given was:  
  
*Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
What you gave was a response to an agree/disagree essay. Definitely not what the instruction asked you to do. Therefore, the TA score will be one of the lowest marks possibly given for it.  
  
Your total introduction was wrong. It was not a paraphrase of the original instructions, which is the expectation in the TA section of this essay. A possible proper rephrasing of the given discussion is:  
  
*The citizens of several nations believe that a tremendous amount of cash should be set aside for speed railway development to hasten transport between metropolitan areas. This discussion exists even as other citizens of the same states believe that the banknotes should be redirected towards the development of existing social conveyances. I have an opinion about this topic but I would like to compare the two points of view before making my thoughts known.*  
  
If you compare what I wrote with the original prompt discussion and instructions, you will see that I managed to cover all the points from the original using a varied degree of vocabulary and sentence presentations. That is what you should aim for in your presentation.  
  
Now, with regards to your reasoning paragraphs, had you used reference phrases to indicate the public POV in the discussion, you would have scored even higher because you would show that you know how to present clear discussions. Reference phrases could range from "The first group supports the use of the money for...." and "However, the other organizations explain that..." Such opening references clearly indicate the public ideas / opinions as per the prompt instructions before representing your own discussion as "These considerations have made me believe that...." By clearly representing each aspect of discussion, you will increase your C&C and GRA scores.  
  
Your concluding paragraph is a continuation of the discussion you had already presented in the paragraphs. You have only 3 body paragraphs for this type of essay. The concluding paragraph should have only presented a short form of the body of paragraphs. As such, further TA deductions will be made.  
  
I am not going to give you a score for this particular essay because you already know that it will fall short of the passing score requirements. I will however, score your next essay, when you have written a more prompt responsive presentation.
Hello teachers, this is my first IELTS writing. Could you please give me advice to improve it? Thanks!  
  
## how talent is best developed?

  
  
Topic:  
It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.  
  
Essay:  
  
Some prodigies have been early revealed their talents in certain fields such as art or sport while a kid may have a good performance in their career by being educated. These two viewpoints are partly right in specific contexts.  
  
On one hand, gifted babies are genetically good that comes from their lineage as an inheritance and so they are generally found very soon within the span of their childhood. Mozart, a prodigious composer, had known to play instrument when he was a young kid before he was recognized widely with his artistic shows then still very young. In football, people admire the clever Lionel Messi who was adopted as a talented kid by his first football club in Argentina. Barcelona football club then brought him to Spain, nurturing him and we now have one of two best players in the world, about the other one, I am going to refer below.  
  
On the other hand, an alternative way to make a talent is education. A reasonable teaching method which focuses on student's long-term development, particular learner tailoring, is essential for fostering good students in their profession. To be proficient, not only cultivating knowledge but also acquiring experience is required so schools should propose the curriculum targeting on this. Also in football, as I mention as Messi's counterpart, another current best football player is Cristiano Ronaldo whom I greatly admire for his intense efforts. He trains strictly himself with his own designed program for building muscle scientifically that is important factor to his success in matches. Ronaldo has been keenly fighting for further goals and hasn't stop himself from practice.  
  
It is so more advantaged in achieving success that being a gifted child but if children without that favour are academically taught with a best fit program I believe they would show as well as those considered as prodigies.
Your writing is good.Your first and second paragraphs are good. In the third one,It looks like everything is focused on education and schools and their curriculum.Its not only schools that can make someone proficient in something,it is also the person's hard work and determination that plays a key role in becoming a skilled craftsman. In the example ,you can talk about ronaldo's determination and eagerness to play football since a small age even though he belonged from a poor family.  
  
You can also add the point that despite being gifted child, the gift is of no use unless it is worked upon so everything comes down to hard work and determination.  
  
Hope this helps
This is a comparative essay discussion that did not ask you to come up with a conclusive personal opinion. The original prompt instruction for the discussion was simply:  
  
*Discuss both ideas by giving your opinion.*  
  
Therefore, it was incorrect for you to use the following as the thesis statement:  
  
*These two viewpoints are partly right in specific contexts.*  
  
An example of a more appropriate thesis statement would have been:  
  
*Having wondered myself about how talent is best developed, I have decided that it is time for me to reflect on these ideas on general terms, without supporting a specific aspect of the discussion.*  
  
If you were to better score in the GRA section of this essay, you should have used more first person pronouns while discussing the topic sentences. You did that successfully in the second body paragraph. You should have been more consistent in the presentation by doing it throughout. From the first body paragraph all the way to the conclusion.  
  
Good work on the essay. Although you could have stuck to more modern examples using personal knowledge and left Mozart out of the discussion (for cohesiveness and coherence) the essay shows that you partly understood the prompt requirements and discussed it in an almost accurate manner. Keep writing, you can only get better from here.
@GATE  
Your additional point is great of which I though when writing but I tried to limit the time allowed and skipped it. Thanks!  
  
@Holt  
"This is a comparative essay discussion that did not ask you to come up with a conclusive personal opinion"  
I may not understand your mean completely. The question asks discussing and giving opinion so why can't I "come up with a conclusive personal opinion"? Could you please clarify it?
The proposal should offer an idea into how the topic will be discussed. This should be a compare and contrast essay that veers on the support of alcohol as a part of a healthy diet. The thesis statement in the essay requires more work and clarity. A background regarding how and why wine got a negative reputation would help create a more solid background for the discussion. Remember that wine has a historically positive point of view as a health tonic during ancient times. It is the ancient health beliefs that led to the discovery of the modern health benefits of wine. Then present a solid thesis statement that aims to prove the health benefits of drinking a moderate amount of wine.  
  
Look at the way that you present the essay. You have way too many in-text citations in the essay which do not provide any information as to the source of the quote or paraphrase. You need to explain to the reader who the quote is from, why the position of this person make him an authority on the topic, and then explain your own reasons for supporting this piece of information. Try to avoid using quotes so you can focus on explaining your understanding of the information instead, while also building the authenticity and authority of the information source.  
  
As a proposal essay, you have to present information that is up to date, accurate, and from verified / authoritative sources. I can't be sure about the references you are using in this essay because you did not include a reference list. Your sources seem to be authoritative at some points, but questionable for the most part because of the lack of proper in-text citations and introduction to the person.  
  
The essay has potential. It is on the right track when it comes to persuading the reader to at least consider the health benefits of wine. While there is still a long research and discussion process involved in the finalizing of this paper, it has the kind of foundation that can be worked with to show improvement as more information is added to the research.
In recent years, imparting teenagers about the consequences of crime is necessary. Some people consider that ex-prisoners are an enormous source to educate. I completely advocate this point of view.  
  
From my perspective, it can be stated per-prisoners have experience which is the most important factor to absorb students in the story. In this way, teenagers are more likely to belive from someone who can speak with real evidences about manifold obstacles that they have to deal with in criminal life. For examples: unconvinient space, conflicts, hard training process, judgements,society,... All of that critical issues are illustrated in a way that ordinary people cannot  
  
Which bring such an remarkable impact.Beside that,telling the story of the person in the past ang getting compliments about the new one are the excellent way to motivate prisoners of alter to the better version of themselve.  
  
Nevertheless, at the opposite end of the spectrum, the negative consequences could be appear with prisoners are not completely re-educate. They will tell their story with joys and happiness during crime time which impulse teengers to criminal way as a form of enjoyment. Thus , the innovation opinion for this problem is police. This could be useful in terms of informing teens about what happend to lawbreakers when they get caught without risk.  
  
Henceforth, apart from the option i have mentioned before, ex- prisoners are great teachers who educate us about living again  
My aim is 8.0 ielts in writting  
Thank soo much for help me
## the "single life" have gained popularity nowadays

  
  
*In some countries, many more people are choosing to live alone nowadays than in the past. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?*  
  
In recent years, people are likely to live alone instead of starting a family because of some reasons. While some of them think that it has affected seriously to society, I suppose it could have both positive and negative consequences in equal measure.  
  
In some nations, many people may prefer pursuing their career to getting married. Personally, it is beneficial to set up home on their own When more and more people decide to live independently, it may help population decrease gradually through time, which leads to family planning is controlled effectively to governments. In addition, humans have not been put under pressure about family finances that means they will not become a burden to anyone as well as no one has to feel the burden from them. It will be easier to promote the high position as they want if they sacrifice most of time for working instead of preparing a marriage. Therefore, the focus on career development may support them and their family later to be better lives and have a positive effect on the country's economy.  
  
However, a rise in demand for home tends to push the country into housing shortages because of independent lifestyle. Governments could not tackle the expansion of land for each individual when some countries must enhance in education, health facilities and some important trades by building many places to serve people's lives. It leads to property prices and rents increase rapidly. Consequently, residents earn low wages and inability to work who will be at the risk of homelessness.  
  
In conclusion, no matter how advantage and even disadvantages have, I recognize that young generation have an interest in single life rather than marrying someone.
The essay prompt asks you to choose one side to discuss in the essay. This is not a measured response essay that will allow you to discuss the degree of agreement and disagreement in an equal manner. There is no middle discussion point here. It is either you see this as a positive OR negative development. It cannot be both. The reason you need to choose one side is because of the format for the discussion which is:  
  
- Prompt restatement  
- Opposing public view  
- Reasons you do not support the public view  
- Conclusion  
  
The essay is asking you to analyze the problem based on your understanding of the situation presented. Based on what you know from public examples, public knowledge, and personal information, you should be able to present a strong supporting position for an opposing point of view. The format could be:  
  
- ... I view this as a negative development.  
- In other countries... (use only one reason)  
- From what I understand though... Hence my belief that this should not be considered an affirmative development.  
- In the end, considering the worldwide view that... Then allowing for my personal opinion that... It is easy to understand why this discussion leans more towards a bad result.  
  
Again, the task 2 essay is all about your ability to analyze a given situation / topic. Make sure that you understand the question enough to be able to write in the required format. Normally, one reason per paragraph works better in this type of discussion topic. Just make sure the paragraphs relate in the discussion presentation.
In my opinion, you should learn how to develop a paragraph better. For example, In the second paragraph "In some nations, many people may prefer pursuing their career to getting married. Personally, it is beneficial to set up home on their own When more and more people decide to live independently,..." so it is expected to develop why people prefer to pursue their carreer instead of getting married. However, you mention about aspects about the benefits of getting married.  
  
I hope it will help you.
## human relationships can be affected by technology proliferation

  
  
**The technology development has affected social relationships from person to person. Do the positive aspects of this trend outweigh the negative aspects?**  
  
Nowadays, the impacts of technology advancement on social connections have aroused public attention. Although the development of technology is not without detrimental effects, the upside would justify these.  
  
An array of drawbacks can be taken into account the fact that technology can harm real life connections. To some extent, as tremendous advances in technology could trigger the lack of social interactions, it would be detrimental to relationships in real life. In fact, people nowadays, especially young generations, tend to devote a great deal of time to glue their eyes on computer's screens or smartphones without having a face-to-face conversation, which potentially fractures their concrete relationships they have built up. Furthermore, the distraction caused by digital interactions could be blamed for deterioration in social relationships. Plenty of evidence suggests that frequent interruptions, namely checking phones or texting messages in the middle of a conversation, could result in conflicts, contributing to relationship degradation.  
  
Nevertheless, the potential pitfalls of this trend can be overshadowed by some considerable advantages. One possible upside is that the proliferation of technology has made the communication among people more accessible, users with electronic devices can therefore keep in touch with people at ease. In fact, they can have a conversation with others through a smartphone or a laptop, which can promote their social behavior and help them strengthen their social relationships. Another merit could be that people can seize the chances to expand their social circles by actively joining in social networks. This means that it is now possible for them to make friends around the globe regardless of geographical barriers, making them get socialized without inconveniences.  
  
To sum up, it is widely acknowledged that human relationships can be affected by technology proliferation. While advances in technology do come with some adverse effects on social relationships, the plus points far eclipse the drawbacks.  
  
P.S My aim is 7 - 7.5 for writing skill
Since you have a specific band score in mind, it will be best for me to rate your work based on the appropriate grading rubic. This should help give you an idea as to whether you are anywhere near your target band score. A review explaining the score will be included.  
  
TA (6) - The problem with your task accuracy is that your discussions per paragraph remain under developed. Underdeveloped statements are the result of including too many discussion topics in the paragraph instead of focusing on only one well discussed topic per paragraph. There is also a lack of transition sentence use at the end of the paragraphs to help create a cohesiveness between paragraph discussions. In addition to that, you do not strongly advocate for the point of view that you supposedly support. The use of the term "possibly" indicates that you are not convinced that you have a strong and defendable position for your chosen side. Avoid terms that connote uncertainty in your presentation. These essays require you to have a strong supporting argument / evidence for the side you opt to support.  
  
Coherence and Cohesiveness (6) - You have created connected reasons in the paragraphs but you need to work on better using transition sentences to connect 2 ideas within one sentence. That means, you have to train yourself to have 2 transition sentences per paragraph. One transition mid-paragraph to introduce the second idea for discussion (as it connects with the first idea), and a final transition sentence that will help introduce the next topic for discussion.  
  
Lexical Resource (5) - You don't really have a wide range of English vocabulary yet that can help you present a more advanced form of discussion. Some words used affect your word formation in a negative manner. Making the sentence a bit confusing to understand at times.  
  
Grammar Range and Accuracy (5) - You lack a proper balance of complex and simple sentences in each paragraph. You have a tendency to write run-on sentences instead of using full stops. Avoid discussing two ideas in one presentation / sentence to help keep the presentation clear to the reader. You also have some grammatical errors in relation to conciseness that resulted in additional point deductions.  
  
Based on the above considerations, I believe that your current writing skills might be under the 6 scoring bracket. That means, you have to work just a little harder to hit the 7 mark.