dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Media focus on celebrities

  
  
Nowadays, the media is expanding at a faster rate than ever before. It focuses far too much on the personal lives and relationships of such celebrities as actors, singers, and football players. Although this type of program is very popular among people, particularly youngsters, I personally believe it should pay more attention to ordinary people's lives instead.  
  
Firstly, it is normal men and women who also devote their entire lives to uplifting the country. These citizens should be portrayed in the best possible way so that they can feel encouraged and get the motivation to strive for better performance. For example, volunteers taking part in a non-profit organization which assists the needy will find it overjoyed and heart-warming if they know that their positive actions have spread the message of love and help to those around them, and have given them the inspiration to join meaningful activities.  
  
Secondly, excessive news about celebrities' personal lives might be an infringement of their privacy. It will be tremendously annoying and perhaps stressful for famous people to be observed by hundreds of cameras that have been set up for celebrity "spotting". Their daily activities, meetings and even love affairs, for instance, can be revealed without their permission. In fact, if there are bad rumors about them, their hard-earned reputation and trustworthiness may be ruined before they can prove that rumors are false.  
  
In conclusion, I firmly hold the opinion that the mass media should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead of concentrating solely on the lives of stars.
The first reasoning paragraph should be leased on the topic provided. The writer should have used the current 2nd paragraph as the first reason. That is because of its direct relationship to the given topic. By offering the related discussion first, a proper and related transition sentence could have been used to properly connect the celebrity and ordinary man comparison discussion.  
  
The writer does not provide the correct 40 word, 2 sentence wrap up paragraph in the conclusion. The presentation could have delivered an appropriate recap had the proper concluding summary format been followed. Right now, it just represents the writer's opinion making it an incomplete conclusion.
## the proportion of the population aged 65 and over

  
  
The given line chart indicated the percentage of people aged 65 and over in 3 distinctive nations during 100 years period starting from 1940.  
Overall, the figure for people being 65 years old and over in 3 countries experienced an upward trend. In addition, Japan is the nation that is expected to be the highest in 2040.  
  
In 1940, the number of elderly people in the USA. Sweden and Japan accounted for 9%, 7%, and 5% respectively. In the next 40 years, the trends for the USA's and Sweden's elderly population were very similar, increased by exactly 15% and 14%. By contrast, there was a slight increase in the number of Japanese people aged 65 and over, from 5% to roundly 3% in 1980. From 1980 to 2020, the figure for the USA fell off slightly and then remained no change around 14%. However, the elderly population in Japan and Sweden tended to rise steadily, stood at 8% and 19% respectively.  
  
During the period between 2020 and 2040, it is expected that there is a more than fivefold increase in the number of senior citizens in Japan, as a result, Japan's figure is predicted to be the highest. Whilst that proportion for USA and Sweden made up for 25% and 23% respectively.  
  
*   
*The graph below shows the proportion of the population aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in thr*
The summary overview should list all 3 countries to give clarity to the trending presentation. The reader will wonder what nations are being compared and how it relates to the trend. To avoid such confusion, the future projection trend should be used.  
  
The writer made a measurement projection in the last paragraph, indicating another or a repeated trending statement. That should only be presented once. The percentage measurement or assumption should have been presented instead.  
  
Aside from these mistakes, the writer has done a good job of reporting data based on the image. He should however, learn to present paragraphs with similar sentence counts for formatting and conciseness considerations. Try to write only 100 words at the most.
## There are many problems associated with the use of mobile phones.

  
***What forms do they take? Do you agree that the problems outweigh the benefits of mobile phones?***  
  
Alongside the spreading popularity of mobile phone in recent years stands serious concerns that humans are prone to many problems stemming from using those portable devices. Personally I think although the use of mobile phones may exert adverse effects on our lives, it turning away from it is impractical.  
  
There are many problems of using mobile phones that must be taken into consideration. First and foremost, mobile phones allow instant connection at will, therefore, they have made people perpetually available. After working from nine to five, officers no longer enjoy their private life thoroughly as they continuously receive emails or phone calls from colleagues from then on. Another issue worth noting is that radiation of cellular phones can take great toll on human health. It is children that overexpose to radiation resulting in fatigue, poor concentration and autism because their brains are not fully developed.  
  
As damaging the use of mobile phones seems to be, there are still a variety of advantages we cannot deny. To begin with modern people can stay in touch much more easily than before thanks to this powerful portable device. As if to exemplify, advanced features such as video call and voice messages have enabled us people to communicate conveniently and effectively. Moreover, mobile phones have done wonders for human work. Were mobile phones not to exist, employees would strenuously remember their appointments or deadlines on their own.  
  
Given all the above-mentioned, it seems unequivocal that excluding mobile phones from our live is unfeasible. Instead, I advocate mitigating the problems by different ways as well as compartmentalising technology to improve our living standards.  
  
*Hope you can give me some feedback. Thank you  
Best regards*
The writer cannot offer selective responses in the restatement + opinion paragraph. Both questions must have representative response topics. It helps the essay gain a better starting score. Outlining the discussions helps support the writer's opinion with clarity from the very start.  
  
The reasoning paragraph lacks coherence because it started with employee phone use after hours then, without a related transition sentence, suddenly discusses children's health in relation to the topic. The writer should have used a related work reason instead for coherence considerations.  
  
The next paragraph disconnects from the previous paragraph in the first half. Only the second sentence relates. Coherence means all the paragraphs must have inter-related discussions moving from one to the next. Topic relevance in relation to previously presented discussions are needed.If the first topic relates to work, then the full discussion must be based on a work discussion.
## writing task 1 : Cambridge 16 test 1

  
  
The line charts illustrate how the electrical equipment changed in ownership and the amount of time expended on doing household chores in the family in a country in the course of nearly 10 decades (99 years), from 1920.  
  
Overall, the proportion of households use electrical services was showed an increase, whereas, there was a fall in the number of hours on housework over this period.  
  
In 1920, the percentage of washing machines used for housework stood at below 10 % compared to around 30% and 40% in the figure for fridge and vacuum cleaner, respectively. In the next two years, there was a significant rise to 90% in the percentage of washing machines which higher than the figure for vacuum cleaners and fridge. At the same time, the amount of time per household spent on housework was decreased considerably from 50% in 1920 to 20% in 1960.  
  
There was a downwards trend in the proportion of washing machines which were used in 1980 before witnessed the growth slightly in last years of this period. Similarly, the figure for fridge and vacuum cleaners continued going up and showed stability during the period 1980 and 2019. Meanwhile, the number of hours which used for housework still continued went downed in the last years of this period.
The summary should indicate the end of the measurement period. The summary requires precise highlighted data for the benefit of the reader. The idea, is to inform regarding spotlighted information in a manner that does not require completely reading the essay. That is the objective of the summary paragraph. The writer failed to do this in a clear manner due to the run-on sentence presentation. He must learn to write short sentences that target information delivery in an individual manner.  
  
Without having the actual image to compare the provided information, the data is clearly explained with sentence issues here and there. It is not enough to affect the information clarity though. This might be a passing presentation.
## technical skills disparity among generations

  
  
In the contemporary world, rapid advances in technology and the lack of technical training in over fifty-year-old people have resulted in a growing gap between the technology-using ability of those people and the young. This has resulted in serious consequences which should be addressed urgently. This essay will analyze the problems and suggest some feasible measures to tackle this trend.  
  
The first problem is that elderly people face a range of difficulties in accessing some services as well as communicating at present. It is undeniable that technology such as online banking or ID purchasing has become prevalent nowadays, which means that older people may suffer hardship from using these services in daily life. In addition, they find it complex to integrate into society with advanced means of communication and social media. One possible solution would be to encourage their younger family members to teach them basic technical skills to keep up with the development since they are close and willing to go together with them. Nevertheless, many elderly people do not have children to accompany them with approaching technology.  
  
Another issue of this trend is that there could be a deficiency in technological well-trained human resources. Although governments, society concentrate most efforts on training younger people, not all people who are over the age of fifty have retired and this disparity leads to the lack of technical skills for work between older people. Consequently, the quality of employees may decrease and there exists a high rate of unemployment among older people. Some people believe that the most effective answer is to offer older people opportunities to engage in some training course to compensate for skills they are missing. However, many older people may not be willing to attend the classes or afford the tuition fees.  
  
In conclusion, the widening gap of technical skills between younger people and those over fifty results in a range of difficulties that older people face in daily life and a deficiency in technological well-trained human resources. From my perspective, more expenditure should be spent equally on technical skills training to minimize the gap.
Technical skills are only related to profession /work related abilities. The writers first reasoning paragraph is totally unrelated to the discussion. The reference is based on social needs, not technical requirements. That paragraph will be disregarded as a supporting statement related to the topic. It will not be given any scoring allowance. Now, the inclusion of this paragraph helped the writer meet the word count but,it caused the essay to provide an under-developed explanation with only one paragraph presenting a related discussion. So the essay has a discussion coherence problem due to the 2nd missing supporting statement. The C + C score will be low due to this presentation error. The essay may not recieve a passing mark due to the large score deduction in the aforementioned section.
## **Topic: Internet users as percentage of population**

  
  
MY ANSWER:  
The given line graph illustrates the percentage of Internet users in three countries USA, Canada and Mexico during the period between 1999 and 2009  
  
Overall, it is evident that there is a significant increase in the percent of individuals using internet in all three countries. As can be seen from the figure, the proportion of Americans and Canadians users are always higher than that of Mexican users.  
  
In 1999, the proportion of Internet users in the USA reached at about 20%, which was highest comparing to other countries. Meanwhile, the figures for Canada and Mexico were lower, which is at around 10% and 5%, respectively. On the other hand, 2003 witnessed a transition in the ranking of internet user proportion between the USA and Canada, while Mexico was still at the third rank with the percentage of 20%.  
  
In 2009, the percentage of Canadian users peaked at 100%, which was the highest among three countries. The figure for the USA was 80%, followed by the Mexico with only around 35% people using the internet.  
  
*
The summary overview can use more clarity. Compressing all 3 important presentation points in a single sentence will lessen the score in 2 sections: C+C and GRA. That will n the end result of the run on sentence presentation. Always aim to seperate the information using individual sentences. Divide it into:  
  
- Image type  
- Data representation  
- Measurement Type  
-Trending sentence (When applicable)  
  
Why did I add the trending point as a sentence rather than a paragraph? A trending sentence provides exactly that, a steady measurement of data. Attending paragraph is not always needed. It should, in fact, be avoided because students tend to start the analysis at that point rather in the reporting paragraph or create a redundancy. Case in point:  
  
it is evident that there is a significant increase in the percent of individuals using internet in all three countries. As can be seen from the figure, the proportion of Americans and Canadians users are always higher than that of Mexican users.  
The statement indicates the same information twice. The second sentence should actually be part of the extended report as the topic sentence.  
  
The last paragraph requires an extra sentence to meet the minimum requirement per paragraph.
## The demand for attractive appearance

  
  
In recent years, the number of fast fashion trends has rapidly grown. Sales of cosmetics and clothes are increasing at a dramatic speed. Most people tend to spend more and more money on physical things, which can change their appearance. There are some clinics doing plastic surgeries for people to change their natural outlook. This essay will discuss my viewpoint and some results of this phenomenon.  
  
To become as charming as those celebrities on programs, buying lots of trending clothes or using make-up products seems to be a current. But there shall we take the outlook so much? In my view, how we look should not be such a critical issue in daily life. Of course, we ought to be clean and tidy, which could make a positive first impression. But that would later alter by the words and deeds, reflecting the connotation such as knowledge and manner.  
  
A fair amount of people paying innumerable concentrations on their outlook and comparing to those idols on the advertisements or series. This might lead to a lack of self-esteem, self-demanding, and negative thoughts. Some of the severe situations are even causing depression and affecting the ability to live an ordinary life.  
  
In conclusion, in my opinion, the acquisition of not viewing their semblances as the most crucial elements in their lives is an eventful lesson for everybody now. The demand for attractive facial appearance or in trend outfits may cause some negative impacts - loss of confidence - or even worse, unable to live a regular daily life (e.g. depression).
The writer failed to identify if this is an IELTS task 2 essay or a mere writing exercise. It is difficult for me to give targeted advise when I have noidea what my review targets are. Kindly indicate that next time.  
  
Regardless of what the purpose of the writing s, the first paragraph neeas to have clear discussion topics. The writer needed to present direct answers to the questions to meet that reqqucement. Without it, the say does not have a clear thesis basis / statement. The discussion direction and topics need to established in the first paragraph / introduction.  
  
These discussions should not contain rhetorical questions because those are unnecessary content fillers. Do not keep repeating discussion points. That does not add clarity or more the discussion forward.  
  
Do not include an afterthought example in the conclusion. The conclusion is just a recap. so added information is not necessary.
***IELTS Writing Task 2:  
Some people think that schools should reward students with the best academic results, while others believe it is more important to reward students who show improvements.***  
  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion.

  
  
It is debatable whether rewards should be given to learners that achieve high distinction scores or to those who prove self-advancement. It is agreed that schools should motivate all kinds of students' efforts and achievements; however, the top-grade students deserve to be recognized with rewards. This essay will delve into both points of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.  
  
Rewarding outstanding students is reasonable in many ways. It has become a tradition throughout the history of mankind, ever since the initial forms of school existed; in other words, it has been proved to be an advantageous activity by generations. If we see closer to sports tournaments that have similar mechanisms to academic competence, only top-ranked participants will get the prizes. The rewards, which normally come in the form of scholarships, do not signify recognition but also support for talents to move forward with higher education. For example in Vietnam, students will have chances to study in any university of their choice in return for obtaining high distinction results in the National Excellent Student Contest.  
  
However, taking a look at the other viewpoint, the importance of recognizing students with great improvements is undeniable. From the perspective of human psychology, acknowledgment plays the role of critical encouragement in one's self-development. Well-motivated learners will keep striving and continuously break their own records. Despite this, educators might not be able to handle the possibility of granting prizes to a large number of students with good scholastic progress. To illustrate, if the whole class of 30 students made higher scores than before, there would not be sufficient rewards for all of them.  
  
The debate about giving rewards to exceptional students or well-advanced ones has not yet come to an end. Even though it is significant to acknowledge any efforts in self-improvement, those with high academic results should still be awarded.  
  
(Word count: 306)  
  
**Note: Please give feedback on this writing. What band score I can get and how can I improve it? Thank you!**
The paraphrase will get a failing score for including personal opinions of the writer based on the general discussion rather than just restating the original facts. The original discussion points have been changed. It is no longer an accurate restatement.  
  
The response format, though covering both points of view, does not fall under the required public opinion comparative analysis prior to the writer's opinion. Both paragraphs represent the opinion of the writer alone. The essay meets only 1 out of 3 discussion considerations based on the public T explanation.. It is not properly nor completely developed so it can only recieve a third of scoring considerations in the TA and C + C sections because of this presentation mistake.  
  
\* contact me privately for scoring consultation.
## Ielts Writing Task 1\_ Water usage

  
  
The pie charts show the comparison of water usage in different regions: San Diego, California and the rest of the world.  
  
As can be seen from the graphs, San Diego and California shared the same pattern with the greatest percentage of water used for residential purposes and the smallest for agriculture, which was opposite with the other countries. There was no significant difference in water usage for industry in San Diego, California and the rest.  
  
Both in San Diego and California, residents consumed most of the water, respectively at 60% and 39% of the total water use. The amount of water served for industrial activities in the two regions ranked second, with 23% in San Diego and 33% in California. Agriculture made up the smallest proportion which was 17% in San Diego. This figure was 28% - a little higher in California.  
  
By contrast, in the other parts of the world, water was used most for agricultural purposes. It amounted to 69% of the total water usage. Meanwhile, the residential water use accounted for an insignificant 8% compared with the other purposes and compared with San Diego and California. There was 23% of water used in industry, which was similar to San Diego and only 10% less than California.  
  
*
The writer lacks familiarity with the image types. Pie charts are different from graphs and indicate different measurement basis considerations.There is a punctuation usage eror in the 3rd paragraph. A dashline is being used even though it is irrelevant to the discussion presentation. Accurate punctuation usage is a major part of the score. Even if only 1 punctuation ever is spotted, a deduction will be appropriately applied.  
  
There is a confusing presentation in relation to residential water use. It appears as if the writer tried to insert information, resulting in a confusing sentence presentation. It is important not to cram too much data into one sentence because it causes confusion while being read by someone other than the writer.
## aging population proportion in different countries

  
  
The given line chart depicts the proportion of senior citizens aged 65 and above in three countries namely the USA, Sweden, and Japan, during a century from 1940 to 2040.  
  
Overall, the percentage of senior citizens of Japan is predicted to be higher than others from the 2030s onwards despite being the lowest throughout the first 80 years. Additionally, all figures experience upward trends, with slight drops in between the examined period in the rate of the USA and Sweden.  
  
More specifically, in the USA, the rate increased mildly during the two first decades at about 10% in 1960. Then, there was an upturned and the figure reached a peak of 15% in 1980. After a slight drop, it is predicted to rise gradually and reach 23% in 2040. The figure was similar in Sweden, at about 7% in the first examined year and continued to increase rapidly, reached peaks at nearly 15% in 1980 and 25% in the mid-2010s. It is expected to be at 25% in 2040. The percentage of senior citizens in Japan showed a downward tendency until it gradually rose in the late 1980s. It continued to grow and is predicted to increase rapidly from 10% in 2030 to about 27% in 2040  
  
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