dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Is there any suggestion for my essay? (To be more like a native speaker's essay)  
  
TOPIC:  
**As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## business contribution to the society

  
  
It is natural and right for a company to make money in its professional field. I partly agree that the company is responsible for giving feedback to the society, while some bosses could not afford the extra cost of social affairs if the companies have been in a bad situation.  
  
It is absolutely reasonable that an enterprise earn as more income as possible. It have to bear the weight of several necessary cost as soon as running whole company to make profit. For example, there is a cost of salary for every employee committing himself into work;and employer would not be trusted anymore if he does not pay wages on time, which may become a underlying problem for the company's future. In the long term, manager must lead company, all personnel, toward the right direction so as to ensure the sustainability of company. Investing in new equipment or better techniques, and expand the scale of factory are all important and definitely essential for a company's development. In other words, running and keeping a company require lots of money.  
  
However, nowadays the condition is very harsh and competitive for a company in such a globalized society. It is challenging to survive from the competition with other enterprises all around the world, not to mention having additional expenditure of social responsibilities, such as financial aid for local student. A company should not be blamed or criticised just because it should take more social responsibilities than to sustain itself. On the other hand, as long as a company have the ability to help society, it of course should do it. Since without the resources and supports from people or organizations in society, it is impossible to success for an enterprise. Therefore, the decision maker has to evaluate whether there are enough time and money to bear the social responsibilities.  
  
To summarize, making money is the first priority for a company.As to benefit society, however, is important as well if it is affordable for an enterprise.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I am preparing for IELTS now.So if there is any suggestion, I will like to hear.And thanks a lot for read all of it!
***Hi William..**  
I have read your essay closely and found a few improvements you need. Firstly, pay attention to prompts given because as I am concerned, I think you unsuccessfully paraphrased the statement. The statement emphasizes the company's responsibility for the social environment. Based on your thesis statement, you would clearly explain your perspective which did not relate to the question. Before you start writing, make sure that you have found keywords in the statement so that you would review inside the side of the prompts.  
  
Turning detail information to the first body paragraph, you tended to elucidate about the importance of getting money for the company. You showed reasons why that is important. Your explanation is a good job, but the question does not focus on that topic. You have to concentrate on the social responsibility. Honestly, you failed in the first paragraph. For the second body paragraph, you actually deliver the prompt briefly but in the second opinion. In the first sentence of that paragraph, you have explained another topic and seemed that it was out of the topic. After that, you also had major errors grammatically such as using verb agreement. Perhaps, that seems as small mistakes, but those can reduce your score on the condition that you do it more.  
  
Hopefully, those suggestions can help you for improving this essay.  
GOOD LUCK*
## the instruction - how bricks are produced

  
  
The diagram illustrates information regarding how to produce brick for building purpose. Overall, the process involves six automatic steps before the brick is ready to deliver. Furthermore, it is starting from digging clay and culminating in brick packaging.  
  
In the beginning of the process, clay is dug as the main raw material. After that, the clay is sifted by putting on metal grid then it is distributed by roller. Next, the clay has to be mixed with sand and water before it is shaped into many peaces of bricks by wire cutter or mould.  
  
The next step is dying oven, those bricks will be put in an oven. After that, those will pass three stages with different temperature. It will face moderate temperature firstly after that it moves to high temperature. Before the bricks are packaged, it has to enter to cooling chamber for 48-72 hours. Ultimately, the bricks are ready to deliver for building industry.  
  
*
***Hi Reza...**  
Actually, your writing is a good job, but I will offer you a few improvements for finalizing this. It's better if you make the brick plural. I meant you write "to produce Bricks" because it obviously seems that this process produces many bricks. Following this, you got confused about using active and passive sentences. There was a passive sentence, but you write in the active sentence. IT IS STARTED FROM. Ensure yourself that what you wrote is what you mind.  
  
I suggest you emphasize that there are two processes for forming bricks. It is essential for making the imperative timing in this manufacturing. After that, you can develop your second body paragraph. You can say that those bricks are put in the dying over for reducing the water in them. I think you should do it for adding words because the number of your words is close to the edge of the requirement. You are also supposed to mention detail information about the degree of temperature in those three steps.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you to improve your skill.  
GOOD LUCK*
## Children' duties issue

  
  
Today world has changed and also people opinion. Children became global main topic and their right is one of crucial part who required to be protected. About last centuries many children under age force to work to fulfill family needs but now role was switched. This condition created both brought negative effect even though they also have positive impact.  
  
When we talk about human right, the children right also noteworthy. This issue brings huge scale influence for some people worldwide. Mostly the supporter experience the worse situation when children life or right being less noticeable. When they turn out becoming parents they don't want lass situation repeated for their children. For example during World War II, all children range 9 - 15 forced to join the army and become soldier in order to help fighting this situation also happen in Indonesia when Indonesia being Colonized in year before 1945. But positively they can be more mature and independent getting good adaptation ability also respectfully their life.  
  
However, children turn out to be main concern of world. UNICEF is worldwide organization has been created with purpose to protect children freedom and right. Everything about children will be handle by UNICEF, exploiting in one of biggest cases globally but they accomplish in good result by flipping parents interpretation the way treat their child. Early age is right moment to create a lot of happy memories the moment can plenty time for playing and hanging with their friends. Based on recent survey, Indonesia's children are happiest children compare to others countries such as Nigeria, Israel and USA. As Indonesian I put a lot times to observe children condition in my own country parenting role is important to control the children. Mostly they take out the responsibility set children free to do anything they want. Sadly that treatment can lead to bad behavior also children become lazy, relying to their parents not independent.  
  
To conclude this issue, the role of parent is very crucial. Childhood is perfect time to character build with right proportion of responsibility make children commit oneself, it also help them to face the future world but don't forget they need a lot of support and love its principle things to create a next good person.
**children in some parts of the world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. some people think this as a positive change, however think of it as a negative change .  
  
what do you think?**  
  
## more freedom for kids - analysis of this trend

  
  
Every child has a different character such a responsibility, it could be influenced by many things. Some people believed that less-responsible children is a positive change while others argue that it is a negative change. Personally, I think that children who have less responsibility is a negative so that they have to be encouraged to be more responsible.  
  
Lack of responsibility is not good for children since it will affect on their achievement in the future. There are many drawbacks of less responsibility, such as lack of confident, coward, inconsistent and many else. Irresponsible children tend to underestimate with anything as they think it is unimportant. That condition comes about for they used to do that for several times and they could not do anything independently due to the fact that they become lazy and over reliance on people. For example, in school, if pupils are given task by their teacher, they will finish that as good as they can but it will be different for irresponsible pupil, they may overlook that as they think that is unnecessary to finish, it occurs because they are not responsible to do their obligation as student. Moreover, if they do not change it, it will influence on their future.  
  
Furthermore, to tackle that problem, children have to be educated to be more responsible since the beginning. Not only family but also school play big role to teach the children about responsibility. Children have to know what their obligations and their rights. It could lead children to be more independent with their duty. Another way is parents or school have to give example for children regarding responsibility as it will encourage children to imitate that, and most important is children must be appreciated if they do something right.  
  
All in all, I think that lack of responsible especially for children will yield negative effect since it will influence on many things such as achievement, personality and habit in the future so it has to tackle by encouraging children with inform their obligation, give good example for them and appreciate their work.
Andi, your are too mechanical with this essay and that would reduce your overall score. Your paraphrase is not good and your introduction did not tell the examiner anything about what the body of the essay would contain. The fact that your paragraph 3 reflects solution to the negative impact shows that you did not quite understand the prompt. The prompt requires you to support either of positive or negative views of the idea of discuss, but not to proffer solution. You should have discussed your points and then conclude your write-up. See other threads in this forum where I illustrated a model paraphrase for this particular essay prompt so that you can learn further. Your sentence construction is admirable but you need to improve on enhancing the cohesion in your write-up. This essay will earn you a score not more than a 5 due to lack of cohesion and misunderstanding of the prompt.
**Children in some parts of world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. Some people think this is a positive change. However others think of it as negative change. What is your opinion?**  
  
## Children have now more time for themselves - analysis of this phenomenon

  
  
Child is a valuable asset in the future generation. Children development is more crucial for parents, but today children lack their responsibility while it compare with children in the past, However many people argue that it is a positive change. I personally believe that it negative change because it has many demerits either in school or in society.  
  
Taking less responsibility in school at the first, many schoolchildren today show less responsibility, For example, In my country Indonesia, many students left their house to go to school but in fact they went to game store and spent their time to play game and they forget their obligation to attend the class. As result, it is not good for their performance at school and make their reduced their grade in school,, from this evident, I believe that less responsibility on children make bad impact for their ability.  
  
Moving to demerit that appearing in society, Nowadays, Some Vandalism that happened in society that doing by children, it is more make society worried about. For example, many children compete to make gravity in the street wall, they make it without pay attention with the wall owner. Furthermore, If the owner found them, they would run out and opened their responsibility as crime agent.  
  
Taking into consideration, the changing of the children become lees responsibility is more damage because it has many disadvantages for either this children or people around them. I recommended that children should be taught the attitude to be more responsibility.
Hi @syamsiahRahim  
  
First, if you wanna get a high score, you are supposed to show clearly what you will explain in the body paragraph. I meant you included the keywords of your perspective in your thesis statement. As such, gave the limitation on the defenition of less responsibility at first, so you can explore your idea in body paragraph later. Furthermore, pay attention on the way you compose each sentence in a proper way. It seems to me that there are several sentence with inappropriate structure then makes me confuse as a reader. For instance in the second sentence in paragraph 2. However, I believe that you can do your best in the your next writing.
## COMPONENTS AND METHODS USED TO MAKE A BRICK

  
  
The given graph illustrate how to manufacture the bricks using raw materials starting from digging the clay from the earth and culminating by delivering to the costumer for building purpose. Overall, it is interesting to notice that, there are four main steps involved in this process of manufacturing bricks.  
  
Firstly, the clay from the earth is dug with the help of big digger. This clay is then brought to the metal grid to be filtered. Before shaping process, the pure clay is added with sand and water. Interestingly, in the mould process, there are two different treatment that maker can choose whether manual mould or using machine with wire cutter.  
  
Turning to the next stages are heating and cooling process. Before burning in the kiln, the wet bricks are dried during one or two days. They are then heated in the oven throughout two different levels; moderate level with maximum 980 degrees and high level up to 1300 degrees. Before packaging, the bricks are also cooled in two-to-three days. After that the breaks are ready to use.  
  
*
Hi, @agus\_mono I have read your whole essay, then here some suggestions for you:  
firstly, you have to put more attention on your spelling. Even it just a little mistake, it will be matter if you did it frequently. Turning to a detailed description, I have found you have needed a few improvement, in particular on collocation using. Overall, it is good that you have explain this process accurately, but still use many general vocabulary. In order to boost your score, please learn more and more about "phrasal verb" .  
  
Here several correction for you:  
... bricks using raw materials **starting from digging the clay from the earth and culminating by delivering to the costumer for building purpose** this sentence is better to put as overview to complete your.  
  
~~Turning to~~ the next stages are heating and cooling process.
The importance of biodiversity is being more widely recognized as increasing numbers of species come under threat. What can be done to maintain biodiversity.  
  
*Increasing the numbers of species under threat in the nature is the focus of biodiversity. Problems has developed in the recent years threatening the biodiversity as animal and plants are being extincted gradually, a solution suggested is giving more attention to such topic and do an actual actions. This essay will discuss and explain the problem and the solution that could help maintaining biodiversity.  
  
The problem can be addressed as animal and plants comprising the ecosystem are constantly being attacked. As human since industrial revolution in the 20th century made a huge development regarding technology and transportation. However, natural plants and animals has been effected negatively as part of the species has already extincted. Thus impacting biodiversity wisely and cause a disruption in our ecosystem. For illustration, a research from oxford university in 2009 has concluded that polar bears has shown a dramatic decrease in numbers as the global temperature is on rise, this has led to disruption in their ecosystem putting them under threat of extinction.  
  
A solution suggested by showing more effort from government, media and people to treat this problem as a priority. Industrial cities must be observed and charged against the pollution and gases they produce if they do not obeyed the rules and follow the instruction. Also, media must display shows and reports illustrating the damaging effect of pollution and random hunting of rare species and people must take actions against wrong behaviors threatening biodiversity. For example, CNN reported the intensive concern given to this important problem in Japan as it ranked 1st in 2014 by having the cleanest cities in the world.  
  
To conclude, high attention must be given to rare species from plants and animals as the are considered the component of biodiversity. The details and solution must be addressed and taken seriously by every part. Thus biodiversity can be maintained.*
Ahmed, your opening statement is totally contrary to the content of the prompt of your essay. The statement 'Increasing the numbers of species under...' means that Biodiversity is studied so that more organisms would be under threat, but that's not what the prompt depicts. The idea in the prompt is that biodiversity became a necessity because more species are placed under threat increasingly. Also, the opening paragraph failed to introduce your essay properly. The prompt did not require you to dwell on the cause of threat to species diversity, it only requires the solution. Therefore, the best approach to answering the prompt is to introduce the various options you wish to suggest as probable ways to ensure and maintain species diversity (biodiversity). After that, you can go ahead and discuss these points in the second and third paragraphs of your essay and then conclude your write-up. I am afraid you did not answer to the prompt because, in the first instance, you lacked the understanding of the ideas in the prompt. I must commend you sentence construction although there were inconsistencies and typos that made your current draft to lack cohesion. I suggest you engage in more practices. Always try to understand the prompt before you start answering otherwise you may end up writing an off-the-point essay.
**The diagram below gives information about the manufacture of frozen fish pies.**  
  
## frozen fish pies production

  
  
The diagrams exhibit information about how to production a fish pie that is consist of several step starting from delivery the raw material and culminating in stored the product. Furthermore this product consist of some ingredients such us peas, fish, sauce and potato that are stored in microwaveable container.  
  
At the beginning, Potatoes need one month to delivery before it is processed. In the first, potatoes is cleaned after that, potatoes are peel and entered in waste disposal, the next is it is sliced and then move for boiling, and then chill before put into store.  
  
In the same time while the potatoes is processed, processing of salmon fish is happened also, firstly, it is given lemon juice and salt before it is steamed in the oven, after that the bone and skin is removed, the next step is the salmon is inspected and put in container which travels to mix with prepared peas, sauce and potatoes, after wards it is wrapped, this product then freeze and ready to distribute.  
  
* 
*
## how to deal with criminals?

  
  
Crime and punishment has been rooted in every fiber of every society's history. As rules exist to facilitate peace and order in a community, going against them is considered a crime that needs a counter action for due process to take place. Putting a person in jail has been one of the oldest type of punishment known to man. As some people consider it to be effective, some believe that other ways to give punishment to criminals should be adapted for a better community. As both views have their valid arguments, I still believe that detaining criminals in jail is the most effective form of punishment.  
  
Detaining a person in a room or in jail has been an oldest form of punishment and has proved its effectivity over the years. Rules have not been formed overnight therefore, creating new ways of giving punishment will take time to be proved as something effecient.  
  
Criminals are different from each other depending on the nature of the crime as well as the recurrence of the offense that has been done. Putting a person in jail over a certain period of time gives justice to both the criminal and the victim as it can be adjusted depending on how serious or how grave the offense may be. If a criminal has done a crime for the first time, for example theft, it would not be fair for him to receive the same punishment as a person who has committed the same offense for the 10th time.  
  
Inhumane methods such as death penalty should not even be considered a good alternative as it goes against a human's right to live. Imprisonment offers a chance of remorse as well as a good opportunity for the person to renew himself. Ending a criminal's life would not make the society better in any form but promote the idea of violence as a cure for crime. Furthermore, as life has been given by the Lord, it is also up to Him to decide when and how to take it back.  
  
Other forms of punishment such as community service may be a good alternative punishment to be considered. As long as the society will not be put at risk, penalties may be given in forms of public cleaning or service. Minor offences such as vandalism or littering are not too grave so they may cater this form of punishment to its offenders. In this way, the law-breakers are given the punishment that they deserve while helping the society as well.  
  
In conclusion, as it can be considered that alternative ways are available to punish rule offenders. These ways are yet to prove their effectivity over time. As imprisoning a criminal has validated its effectivity in the longest time, I still do believe that this kind of punishment offers a more humane but effective outcome.
@gabby12345  
I am a writing learner and just give some suggestions for your reference,if there be mistakes please overlook them.  
The essay is talking in thesis "detaining criminals in jail is the most effective form of punishment",to prove the point,the writing explains from "history", "fairness"and the comparison with death penalty,and also give some suggestions about the alternative punishment.In terms of the struture of the essy ,it seems scattered and lack specific details.Especially obvious,the first support paragraph has not been adequately developed.And the last piont of alternative punishment may have little use in supporting your thesis.  
  
All above is just for reference,let's keep writing and don't give up!