dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*## People should follow the customs and traditions when people start to live in a new country.

  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
Nowadays it is clear that moving to a foreign country has been on demand in recent decades for a variety of reasons. [1] Although preserving national identity is benificial in many ways, I would argue that people should follow the customs and traditions when they immigrate to a new nation.[2]  
  
On the one hand, there are a lot of benefits of conserving national identity when people start to live in a new country. [3] First, each ethnic community has positive character traits, if they can be enhanced, those people can help each other in different problems such as accommodations and jobs.[4] For example, since chinese people often support each other, including startup capital, commercial activity and tourism in Chinatown develop significantly, which increase their income.[5] Second, by maintaining the habit of eating traditional food in foreign nations, people can contribute to the economic development of native country.[6] For instance, if Vietnamese students invite their friends to eat Vietnamese food, especially pho, they might love Vietnamese traditional cuisine, as the result they want to travel to Vietnam, promoting tourism development.[7]  
  
On the other hand, newcomers will face less difficulities in daily life when they adopt the customs and traditions of the country of residence.[8] First, in order for overseas students to participate in extra-curricular activities and make friends easily, they should follow the customs and traditions. [9] This not only help them improve their academic achievement as they can discuss subjects with friends, but also boost their confidence when they apply for jobs.[10] In addition, immigrants might fall foul of the law if they do not respect the behaviour and customs of indigenous people.[11] In singapore, for instance, people will be punished, such as fine and community service, for eating chewing gum.[12]  
  
In conclusion, I would argue that people should follow the customs and tradions of locals but do not forget to express national identity when they settle in a new country.[13] This benefits people themselves as well as the native country. [14]
Nghiep. your essay is not responding to the question being asked of you in the essay. For this extent essay, there has to be a degree of agreement or disagreement in your response. This is not a direct response essay, which is the format you chose to take for this paper. You need to familiarize yourself with the various question types for the task 2 essay in order to avoid these sorts of mistakes. Here is the clear outline that will show you the mistake you made:  
  
*Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Response: I would argue that people should follow the customs and traditions when they immigrate to a new nation.  
Expected Response: I completely/ totally/ partially agree/disagree with the given statement.*  
  
Your response will give this essay a TA score of 1 because you are not responding to the task you were provided with. Based on that TA score, plus the existence of run-on sentences in every paragraph, which made the paragraph content and meaning difficult to ascertain, plus, the double topic discussions per paragraph, with little explanations made for the second topic creates non-cohesive and little coherent paragraphs as the reader cannot really understand what the actual point of each paragraph all add up in terms of low scores for the remaining 3 criteria the final score is to be based on.  
  
Although your essay is long, you have not accomplished enough in it to ensure a passing score. Several errors affected your ability to get close to a score of 5 with this essay presentation. Long essays are good, but only if these essays prove to be high scoring in terms of the 4 scoring considerations. Otherwise, long essays only serve to decrease your scoring considerations.  
  
The objective of this task is to make sure that you can discuss the topic in a manner that is clear to a native English speaker. So even if the essay is short, as long as it meets the minimum word count and is understandable by an English native speaker, you will be sure to get the highest scoring consideration marks for your work. Do not sacrifice quality for length. You will be sacrificing the wrong aspect of scoring in the essay.
Dear all, this is probably the first time I do the TOEFL independent writing. Are you willing to give me any opinion to make it perfect.......please... thanks a lot!!  
  
## parents should save some time for kids

  
  
**Question:**  
Some people believe that when busy parents do not have a lot of time to spend with their children, the best use of that time is to have fun playing games or sports. Others believe that it is best to use that time to do things together that are related to schoolwork. Which of the two approaches do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.  
  
**Answer.**  
In my perspective, I would like to pay attention with my busy parents on the fun games or sports, especially exercise together. Parents are likely to be sick of the indoor activities since they have stayed in the office throughout the whole day. Having difficulty in going outside during the work, parents obviously enjoy having fun with kids. The bases for my views are educational, emotional and healthy.  
  
Educationally, children should regard their schoolwork as their own responsibility instead of asking parents for the answers. Being in charge of their own study is a crucial factor for growing-up, children have to learn how to solve academic problems by themselves. By this kind of independent training, the children will adapt to accomplish everything by themselves. Besides, children would not attribute their failure in academic performance to their parents who were not able to help children in study. In conclusion, there is no doubt that the best use of the time is to have fun playing game or sports for both parents and children.  
  
From an emotional perspective, playing games or sports can intrigue the positive energy which can solidify the family's relationship in contrast of the stressful schoolwork. As usual, we take the schoolwork seriously by correcting every detail and avoiding any missing assignments. In the atmosphere of tension, the parents are likely to blame children for any tiny mistakes they make. Compared to the above situation, playing a game not only be the relax time for parents but also provides the positive energy among family.  
  
Healthy-speaking, spending time outdoor makes people healthier. It has been proven that keeping sitting on the chair or sofa is harmful to human body. Without walking or exercising, the Basal metabolism will decrease which deeply affects our health and leads to lots of diseases. Therefore, if parents spend the rest of the time playing sports with children, the whole family may get rid of the obesity.  
  
To sum up, spending the time in playing game or sports is beneficial to both parents and children from the above perspectives and the effect it provides is beyond our imagination.
Lilo, you have written a level 3 essay presentation. You have some difficulty in forming sentences that have an understandable meaning for the reader and there are times when your paragraphs are not as cohesive and coherent as you hope they would be. These all stem from your word / sentence formation problem in the essay. Here are some sample sentences that leave the reader wondering about what it is you are trying to say:  
  
Having difficulty in g... The bases for my ...  
- The first sentence explains an action but does not offer a subject. In the next sentence, there is again a series of verbs but no subject to agree with. The thought process is incomplete in both presentations. This is caused by a lack of proper sentence development for the presentation. Try to practice simple sentence formations when you are not doing practice essay tests to improve in this area.  
  
In conclusion, there is no doubt ...  
- So this is the ending of the essay? Then why is there a continued discussion after it? Never say, "In conclusion" unless you are actually concluding the essay discussion already.  
  
I believe you have over discussed this topic. You need to simplify your discussions and use only about 2 supporting paragraphs to leave time for the paper editing. At this point, the essay is long, but is not accurately proof-read nor presented to the reader. There is room for improvement but you are off to a good start essay writing wise.
## the percentage of unemployed people in UK

  
  
The line graph compares levels of unemployment among 16 to 24-years-olds with overall unemployment figures from 1993 to 2012 in England.  
  
Overall, the unemployment ratio was significantly higher for the youth than for the general adults in both london and the rest of England during the 20-year period. And the joblessness in London are more popular than that in the rest of the UK.  
  
In 1993, around 22% of young adults in London were unemployed, after falling to under 15% in 2002, this figure then increased significantly and reached a peak at exactly 25% by 2012. In contrast, there was a decline in the overall unemployment ratio in London from under 15% in 1993 to just about 7% in 2006, although after that this figure rose slightly, it just remained under 10% in 2012.  
  
Similarly, in 1993, the percentage of unemployment among young Labour in the rest of England was approximately 17% , after decreasing to about 11% in 2002, this figure then rose dramatically and by 2012, it peaked at over 20%. Otherwise, there was an downward trend in the general joblessness rate in outer London from exactly 10% in 1993 to just under 5% in 2005, despite minor growths it still remained below 10% by 2012.  
  
*   
*The graph below shows changes in young adult unemployment rates in England between 1993 and 2012.*
Hi @LAKHANH,  
Please check your grammar, expression and vocabulary misktakes as follow:  
1. london -> London  
2. joblessness -> unemployment (it is quite unusual to use joblessness, mine is more common)  
3. And the joblessness in London ~~are~~ more ... -> replace are with is (it is singular)  
4. minor growth~~s~~  
5. minor growths it still remained ... -> it's a grammar mistake but I don't really what you mean so I can't correct it.  
  
These are the mistakes that I have found, I am learning for the Ielts too so correct me if I'm wrong.
La, your summary overview is not as complete as it should be. You neglected to inform the reader about The source of the survey and also the company that took the survey. Remember this simple rule so that you do not miss out on presenting important information in the essay summary, if it is in the graph or noted on the page of the image, you MUST mention it in order to show an accurate summary of information to the examiner. Miss out on some information and you will receive a lower TA scoring consideration because you did not completely list the information you were given.  
  
The rest of your presentation paragraphs are well developed. However, you tend to write in run-on sentences. A common mistake among beginners writing these analysis reports. Try to write separate sentences for each information presentation. Learn to cluster related information into a single sentence, starting a new sentence for each cluster. You can write up to 5 cluster sentences per paragraph for this 4 paragraph format essay. Clustering the information helps you to ease the confusion of the reader and also, allows you to create a more coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation.
@trangtrang96  
Thanks a lot for your comment and advice. ❤ To be honest, I'm really struggling with writing :(, i took ielts exam 4 times.... And my writing skill was still at 5.5 =.='  
  
@Holt  
I really appreciate your help. Thank you so much for your comment and advice. ❤ To be honest, I'm really bad at writing, i always feel so confused and I don't know how to start and how to write a correctly sentence . Can u show me how to write summary overview correctly?
Hi La. I asked for permission and was granted an opportunity to show you an example of a properly written summary overview. Here is the sample that you can use as a template for your future summaries:  
  
*A line graph has been presented for a comparison analysis. The subject of the graph is the measurement of the unemployed among the young workforce located in London and the rest of England. The survey studies the successive years of 1990- 2011 and was based on the age range of 16-24 for young adults. The graph used the percentage format for its measurement results as collated from combined surveys from the Labour Force, various surveys, and ONS. The graph shows an increasing trend in the young adults employed in London and England overall.*  
  
Now, what I am showing you is an example of how I would write this overview summary. This does not mean that you should always approach the presentation in this manner. All I want you to do is take note of the information that I presented in a clustered manner in the paragraph. All of these information are quick representations of the overall required data for the summary. Look for the highlighted and italics written information in the image presentation. Those are normally the required data for the summary.
Topic  
## Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.

  
To what extend do you agree or disagree?  
What other measures do you think might be effecitive.  
  
A rise in price of petrol is the most effective method to tackle the growth of traffic congestion and environmental pollution. For this statement, I firmly agree with the way of solution which is mentioned above. In addition, my essay is also included several effective ways to ease this issue.  
  
Petrol is now playing an imperative role in our life, which is the main factor for running vehicles. However, private means of transport such as car, motorbike have a most harmful effect on traffic and environment. To this extend, this leads to my total agreement on increasing price of this liquid. When the cost is unaffordable, the utilization of private vehicles gradually decrease. In this case, public transport becomes a cheapest and most eco - friendly way to travel, which can decline a risk of traffic jam and emission of contaminating gas. Besides this method, I emotionally want to give a recommendation aimed at reducing traffic congestion and environmental pollution. Personally, I suggest that government should introduce a heavy punishment to the owners of unqualified public transport such as bus. Specifically, bus in my country, which is almost out of order but still be utilized, do damage more than ease the issue by emitting such a huge amount of unhealthy gas. Such replacement for these harmful transportations bring us not only a decrease in traffic jam but also a fresh environment.  
  
On the other hand, "increasing price of petrol" method still has an intangible issue, which gradually do harm to the economy of country. High cost in petrol leads to a monetary rise of all merchandises, which makes them unaffordable for low income citizen. Lacking daily items because of the cost increase, people live in the poverty tends to commit crime for financing their life. It is a detrimental side of the proposed method. Equalizing the cost of goods is an effective way to make this method meet citizen's needs.  
  
In conclusion, increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems. However, the government should try to balance the cost of other goods, which allows low income people to live with this convenience.
Hello Quan  
Nice start, if I may, just a few improvements here:  
1) Task response: For this kind of essay, you may want to put the idea you support in the 2nd paragraph of the body to emphasize it. Otherwise, the examiner may think you have not answered the task or your argument is not strong enough. So in your case, I suggest the 1st paragraph is to discover other options and its effects and the 2nd I would confirm that increasing petrol oil is the best. Some of the argument in the 1st paragraph is not really related also (e.g.: Increasing price encourage the use of public transport (ok) BUT why do you also fine the public transport?). Remember the goal in the 1st paragraph here is to discuss the positive effect of oil price increase. Also, in the conclusion, your position is not clear that may cost you mark.  
  
2) Lexical Resource: You showed quite an ability in diversifying your vocabulary but I think you could do more. For example, in the introduction, I can see an attempt was made to paraphase the question but it still looks a lot like it. You can practice to make it better.  
  
3) Grammar: I see you use relative clause and complex structure, which is good. Try to acquire more collocations on this topic  
  
4) Cohesion: A lot of linking device are use. So you gain mark for that.  
  
Hope my comment helps!  
Thank you
Gnyuen, for an extent essay, you do not need to discuss the opposing point of view. This exam wants to test how well you can defend a single point of view response based on your personal knowledge and experience. You did a very good job in the prompt paraphrase. However, your discussion is improperly formatted. There is a 5 sentence maximum response per paragraph. In this essay, you accidentally combined 2 paragraphs (2 discussion topics) into one paragraph. The point where you said " Personally, I suggest..." should be presented as a separate paragraph instead of a continuing discussion in the second paragraph. That is because you are already discussing a different topic there, which is the suggested solution to the pollution and traffic congestion problem.  
  
You show a strong potential to get a more than average score in the Task 2 essay. You have solid ideas and clear presentations that do not really cause the reader any confusion while reading your response. Just remember my instructions above the next time you come across an extent essay. It will always be better for you to strongly discuss one position rather than using the comparative extent essay approach which indicates" I partially agree". That is the phrase that allows you discuss 2 opinions in the essay.  
  
Unless you are already a proficient English writer, it is not advisable for you to write a 5 paragraph extent essay (partial agreement format). That is because it will be easier for you to think in English with a focus on only one opinion topic rather than 2 opinions. Remember, you are scored on the clarity of your explanation and not the length of the essay. 4 paragraphs that are clear in its content means you will score better than a 5 paragraph essay that does not fully explain a stand.
Can somebody help me with this, please? I am really in a hurry, thank you!  
  
## WORK MOTIVATION

  
  
The chart gives information regarding people's motivation to work in the state-run sector in the country of Bananala during 1995-2010.  
  
Overall, the trend was a rise in all driving factors, apart from the insurance-packaged one.  
  
Through the first five years, the number of candidates for job security dived drastically, from over 580 thousand to 380thousand ones. However, after that it made a partial recovery to reach a plateau of 450,000 in 2005. The rate of applicants with the fear of being unemployed started off steadily and increased two-fold afterwards. Since then, it had surpassed the secure job circa 2007 before soaring to 650 thousand. People who wanted to create their own popularities in career rose significantly in the first 5 years, yet increasing more gradually 10 years later to reach the rate of 300 thousand.  
  
In the mid-1990s, the highest number of applicants were recorded in the job security sector probably due to the feeling of safety if they become an official staff rather than the sastisfaction of having higher status. Interestingly, this situation changed remarkably 15 years later as the fright of being unemployment became prominent, leaving the guaranteed job and the desire of higher status to be in the second and third favored respectively. More and more people applied for the public sector to seek for promotion, evidenced by a fivefold increase, as the driving factor was the satisfaction of being recognized. Meanwhile, candidates in the unemployed elsewhere sector rocketed probably owing to the popularity of the unemployment rate with a decrease in the job opportunities.  
  
*
Tra, it is extremely difficult to review your paper because you did not properly upload the image. It doesn't want to enlarge so I cannot read the notes on the paper nor clearly see the comparison points for discussion. Please properly upload the image next time. I can tell you this though, your presentation is lengthy but not informative in an excellent manner. If you review the other essays for Task 1 writing at this forum, you will see that you summary overview is severely lacking in information. I do not read about the other required information such as the measurement type, the inclusive years of comparison, a summary of the analysis instructions, and a solid trending statement. By the way, you were given a line graph, not a chart to compare. Familiarize yourself with the different illustrations being used in the task 1 essay to assist you in properly identifying the illustration type in the summary overview.  
  
You also just kept on writing for the sake of increasing your word count. Regardless of whether or not actual information as based on the numerical data from the image was being shared in the third paragraph. Believe me, in the actual test, you will not be able to write 265 words for this task. You need to practice writing 4 paragraphs within the 3-5 sentence format per paragraph. That is the best way to ensure that you will be able to leave editing and revision time for yourself during the actual test. Be sure that all of the required measurements, are represented in the charts are used instead of you offering "estimates" and your own take on the "years indicated" as that changes the analysis from "factual" to "assumed" information.  
  
Also, you are both wrong. The proper sentence structure is "There was an overall rising trend from 1995-2010 based on..." since the graph indicates a continuous growth pattern for a specific period of time. You are describing an action that was continuous in the past. You were required to create a complex sentence presentation for this particular trending statement.