dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Alfin, you should have presented a personal opinion in your opening paragraph. The reason for this is that the prompt is asking you a pointed question that requires a direct answer in the opening statement. The personal opinion that you present in that paragraph should be the basis of the overall discussion of your essay. Aside from that missing element, your opening statement is acceptable enough. By the way, good job on coming in at exactly 250 words. That said, you can revise some portions in order to better reflect your personal opinion at the start of the essay. As I said, that is a requirement of the prompt so it should be reflected in your work.  
  
By the way, be careful with your formatting. You accidentally have 2 paragraphs stuck to each other in this essay. Be sure to clearly separate the discussions using the enter key alright? It is best to always be sure that the reader will not be stressed when reading your essay.  
  
In terms of discussion, the essay is acceptable and presents a good discussion of the topic. Your point of view, which is clearly represented in the paragraph, shows that you understand the background of the prompt and you know exactly how to powerfully discuss the topic. Your conclusion though, needs another sentence in order to meet the essay format requirements. You can create the new sentence by dividing the discussion points in the single long sentence within the paragraph into 2 topic sentences instead.
HELLO ALFIN, WE MEET AGAIN  
I have suggestion for you  
  
**In the Task 2 IELTS Band Descriptor you will see ONE OF THE INDICATOR is TASK ACHIEVEMENTS . It means that your essay must answer THE QUESTION THAT HAS GIVEN to you. IT IS IMPORTANT, because if you don't answer the task achievement, YOUR SCORE WILL JUST ONLY MAXIMUM IN 5.** I won't correct your grammar, you can study it by self, but i give suggestion ONLY FOR YOUR INTRODUCTION :  
  
First let's see to the question;  
  
**Some people say that you can learn more about another country by watching television programmes and films about it than by actually visiting it.**  
  
***Your Answer:***  
  
In the past, only certain people can ...  
  
**This is called the fact. You must paraphrase it, BUT YOU MAKE TOO LONG PARAPHRASE UNTIL REACH ONE PARAGRAPH. Look at my example:**  
  
*There is an opinion that is depicted by some people that to make our mind become knowledgeable about worldwide countries, it can be learnt by solely seeing television shows and movie rather than directly visiting it.*  
  
**Just make it simple because you must give long explanation in your body paragraph.**  
  
Question:  
**How true this statement?**  
  
YOUR ANSWER : NOTHING I CAN FIND IN YOUR INTRODUCTION.  
  
This Part is called **THESIS STATEMENT**. You must state what kind of your arguments. Are you AGREE or DISAGREE with STATEMENT ?  
  
QUESTION:  
**Is there anything you can learn about another country by visiting it that you cannot learn by ...**  
  
IN THIS QUESTION, YOU MUST MAKE A COMPARISON.  
  
**QUESTION:  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples**from your own experience.  
  
You can make like this:  
  
In my opinion, I really prefer for making a direct visitation to the states, (THIS IS YOUR THESIS STATEMENT) because it has different atmosphere, even you can interact with local people. (THIS IS YOUR REASON, INCLUDE A RELEVANT EXAMPLES) Although it more costly, but you will feel extremely satisfied compared with just seeing television. (THIS IS YOUR COMPARISON)  
  
TIPS:  
  
YOU MUST STATE THE MAIN IDEA IN YOUR INTRODUCTION TO MAKE THE READER CLEARLY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS THE CONTENT OF YOUR ESSAY.  
  
Good Luck !
HELLO Alfin... here are my suggestions for ya...  
  
... people can journey abroad ~~to other countries~~ . (**It has the same meaning)**  
  
Particularly, just rich people who have much money**(it is better if you reduce one)**  
  
to spent**(TO +V1)** for visited some beauty countries.  
Recently, many programs on tv shows (**TV programmes/TV shows**) about journey ...  
  
The program can ~~caused~~ (**MODALS+ V1**) everyone ~~imagined~~ (**imagine**) about circumstance...  
  
Is there anything you can learn about another country by visiting it ...  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.  
  
(You should answer those questions in your introduction )  
  
Therefore, journey programs nowadays ~~became~~ (**become**) one of the most ...  
It can ~~changed~~ (**change**) perspective which ~~making~~ (**make**) someone ~~thought~~ (**think**)  
  
... before is good ~~for~~ (**TO**) visit. Because it can ~~improved~~ (**improve**) our knowledge and ...  
We can interacted with the local people, met many new friends ...  
  
Eventough (**even though**), perhaps you know about that, but you also ~~to~~ feel that directly, because (**IT**) is very diverse ...  
  
**Please Notice your Subject Verb Aggrement, using of verb properly**  
  
GLUCK ^^~
Halloo.. i try to give you some suggestion.. here my comments..  
  
... money to spent for ~~visited~~VISITING some beauty countries.  
... countries in the world ~~and~~ WHICH have many ~~thews~~ (WHAT DO YOU MEAN OF THEWS) such as culture,...  
Recently, many programs on tv shows about journey to many countries in the world. The program can caused everyone imagined (...) life in other country .  
  
**1. VISITED ->> VISITING  
2. UNAPPROPIATE CONJUCTION AND -> WHICH  
3. THEWS????? WHAT THE MEANING THAT? I CANNOT FIND THIS VERB IN CAMBRIDGE DICTIONARY  
4. REPETITIVE MANY..  
5. CAN CAUSED IS WRONG. CAN IS MODAL AND MODAL MUST MEET WITH V1  
6. OTHER COUNTRIES, ANOTHER COUNTRY..**
Hi alfinkurnia, let me give some comments.  
  
1. ... much money to ~~spent~~spend for ~~visited~~visiting some beauty countries ...  
After 'to' you need to use infinitive, so 'spent' must be replaced by 'spend'.  
after for you should use 'verb ing'  
  
2. Recently, many programs on tv ~~shows~~show about journey to ...  
Because plural subject followed by plural verb.  
Shows ---> singular verb  
Show ----> plural verb  
  
3. The program can ~~caused~~cause everyone (...) of life in other ~~country~~countries  
modal + infinitive  
other + plural noun  
  
Thank you  
Keep writing
Hi alvin, below through my comments.  
1.You not answer the question has given to you. it means that you not get the task achievement. It is **really crucial**, when you are **not answer the question completely**, you only get a **maximum score in 5**. So, be careful in the next time.  
  
2. Personally, to make a good summary for IELTS writing task II, you should make a summary consist of  
- Introduction (paraphrase the question and gives the answer depend on the questions such you give personal statement when  
question about your opinion.  
- Body 1 ( main idea, supporting sentence, result, example)  
- Body 2 ( body 1 and 2 depend on how your manage your summary)  
- conclusion ( it is tremendously essential to boost your score  
3. singular/plural mistake  
Recently, **many****programs** on tv ~~shows~~ show  
Keep writing and break a leg dude!
such as culture, food, languange, building, and many more avoid this word in academic writing.  
Recently, many programs MISS SPELLING on tv shows NEED PLURAL VERB REMEMBER S+V AGREEMENT about journey to ...  
... about circumstance of life in other country . OTHER IS PLURAR AND ANOTHER IS SINGULAR  
  
1. try to write more tha 250 word if you write 250 its too risk  
2. PAY ATTENTION WITH S+VERB AGREEMEN  
3. FOCUS ON THE QUESTION BECAUSE YOUR EXPLAIN DOES NOT COVER ALL QUESTION  
  
GOOD JOB..
Alfin, your summary misses all of the important key points of the discussion. There is no proper representation of the actual topic of the talk, the reason behind it, and the audience reaction to the activity. You did not even bother to spell check your work. There is a lack of cohesion and clarity in your writing. The grammar is horrible. You must learn to proof read your statements before sending it out for scoring or review. Notice that you have placed extra letters in the words "showsnand" which makes the word or term lose its meaning. What exactly where you trying to say? Also, you need to make sure that you learn the correct plural forms. In the sentence where you refer to "friend" you actually mention 2 names which makes the term plural and should therefore have been written as "friends" and not "friend". This essay is actually not informative at all and would most likely receive a failing score in an actual test setting. I advice you to watch or listen to the talk again and come back with a totally new version of the essay. One more informative this time for our review and analysis.
Hi Alvin, let me give some suggestions for you.  
1. He with his ~~friend~~ , Joshua and Mckenzie have idea to ...---> Singular/plural problem  
2. He uses technology to make interactive (?).--> interactive for what? make the sentence more clear and not blur meaning.  
3. ~~showsnand-~~ --> miss spelling word  
~~realty~~ --> miss spelling word  
4.~~the world's largest collective~~ --- what thing the largest?  
5.Recently( put comma ),~~as we know~~ many technology like ...  
6. Add more essential information in your essay dude.  
Keep writing and break a leg dude!
Chris Milk is a innovative person who ...  
  
First of all, about topic sentence. You should identifies the title, author, and speaker of the original material. Such as, "a TEDers, talking about The birth of virtual reality as an art form". And the second is supporting sentences, you should follow the same order as original if possible. Furthermore, it is better for you to be objective. Last but not least, You cannot use your opinion and you should mention in general as in the original video.
**Question:  
Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important.  
  
Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Answer:  
Nowadays, Most of people assumed when they work or get job just purpose to get more much money. Eventhough, sometimes they work who they dislike. Moreover, to choose for job which unappropriate with their background. Particularly, they graduated from agriculture but choose works at bank which not related with their major. It caused they need money immediately.  
  
However, pundits thought if someone works in their passion, it can make them happy and keep spirit for face their life. The advantage when someone decided to works with his passion. They will enjoy to work, for example when someone has hobby to singing, and she decided to became a singer, she probably will enjoy her job because she started her job from hobby or something who she like. Therefore, many people can more easily to be successful because they never give up and always work seriously.  
  
From all of the advantages, there is one problem when someone keep work with not their passion, they will stressfull because many matter of their work, and more difficult to solved it. However, when people have ability with something but not follow their ability to try. It might not good for their life. So if you have dream to become someone you must believe and hardwork to achieved, because who determined your success is yourself.  
  
In conclusion, sometimes someone need money to their live, so all job probably will accepted and forget that he has good ability in other job. In my opinion if you don't like your job, better you choose to resign and find job which suitable for you.
Alfin, for the Task Achievement portion, you would probably get a 3 because you did not properly restate the prompt in your own words. The proper restatement would have been similar to the following:  
  
*While some people believe that people can only be happy doing a job they love, others believe that there are more important factors to consider when taking on a job. One of these reasons could be the need for money. In my opinion, I believe that people would be happier doing a job that they love doing. The reasons for which I will be discussing below.*  
  
Your coherence and cohesion would be a 4. You are discussing the topic somewhat properly using a somewhat logical progression. The problem is that you are writing under a time constraint and you are unable to properly scan your document for coherence and cohesion before submitting it. I would like to suggest that you learn how to allot your time properly using the existing time frame so that you will have some time remaining for editing and revision for final content.  
  
The lexical resource, I am sad to say, would not score more than a 2. Which would be followed by a 3 in terms of grammatical range and accuracy. The problem is that you have a limited vocabulary in terms of the English language and this has caused you to have problems in forming even the simplest of sentence formations. This causes undue stress on the reader and does creates a difficulty as the reader tries to understand the discussion you are trying to present.  
  
I know that it seems like the scores are really bad and you might feel defeated right now. Don't be. Things will get better for you in terms of scoring provided you keep doing the practice tests and you do your best to improve your understanding and usage of the English language. It all boils down to becoming more familiar with English as a secondary language for you. Good luck! I am rooting for your improvement!
Hi, Alfin! hjavascript:paste\_strinL(selektion,3,'*','*','')ere are my suggestions towards your essay  
~~Eventhough~~**Even though**, sometimes they work ...  
  
Moreover, to choose for **a** job which ~~unappropriate~~**inappropriate** with their background.  
  
...... which not related ~~with~~**to** their major.  
  
It caused they need money immediately.  
*you mentioned about money in your introductory paragraph, but you did not discuss it in your body paragraph. it will be better if you discuss it or just change your thesis statement*  
  
They will enjoy ~~to work~~**working**  
*change it into gerund*  
  
she decided to ~~became~~**become** a singer  
to + V1  
  
... job from hobby or something ~~who~~**which** she like.  
*relative pronoun as object 'hobby or something'*  
  
they will ~~stressfull~~**be stress**  
  
because **of** many ~~matter of~~**difficulties** their work  
*because + S + V  
because of + noun*
Hi alfinkurnia, I want to give some comments on your essay  
  
Nowadays, Most of people ~~assumed~~assume when they work (...) to get ~~more much~~much more money  
1. Nowadays, usually a time signal for present tense. You should change into present.  
  
2. ~~Eventhough~~ even though, sometimes they work ~~who~~what they dislike  
  
3. Moreover, ~~to~~people choose for job which ~~unappropriate~~inappropriate with their background  
You need verb in sentence, so just eliminate 'to'.  
you can use inappropriate to state that something wrong happen  
  
Thank you  
Keep writing
**Question:**  
Some people say that in order to be happy, you must have a job you love doing. Others say that other factors are more important.  
  
**Do you think that people can only be happy if they have a job they really enjoy?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Happiness is something that make people feel comfort, happy, without much problems, and they can smile every day; however every single person has own definition about it. In fact, several people argue that job is the most factor, but the majority said that more factors would be affecting the happiness.  
  
Nowadays, people having good job give argumentation that their job can be improving rate of happiness. This is because when people enjoy their life in every activities they will feel comfort and feel that their necessity can be filled. Not only that, but also they will be free people in the world because they can get happiness when they working in appropriate job without enforcement.To instance, people who like reading and writing get job in the publisher will fell really happy, because in the work they can practice their hobby and their skill in the same time without changing their hobby with other job which they do not like.  
  
On the other word, the majority of people believe that happy can be caused by more reasons. The factor of happiness is not only occupation, but also other factors such as, family, social relationship, entertainment, basic necessity as well. To illustrates, the people who have good social relationship more happy than other people particular solitary person, such as harmonic family, kind friends, and positive surrounding. Other case is people who can fill their basic necessity because in fact people do not happy and stressful caused by basic necessity.  
  
To sum up, job appropriate can be affecting rate of happiness people, but on the other side there are many factors which can affecting the happiness.  
  
273 word.
Hi, bambang! here are my comments towards your essay  
  
Happiness is something that ~~make~~**makes** people feel comfort  
  
happy~~,~~*(unnecessary comma)* without ~~much~~**many** problems  
*problem is a countable noun. 'much is used for uncountable noun*  
  
... enjoy their life in every ~~activities~~**activity** they will feel comfort ...  
*every/each + noun singular*  
  
changing their hobby with ~~other~~**another** job which they ...  
*other + noun plural  
another + singular*  
  
... good social relationship ~~more happy~~**happier** than other people
**Question:**  
  
Some people say that you can learn more about another country by watching television programmes and films about it than by actually visiting it.  
**How true this statement? Is there anything you can learn about another country by visiting it that you cannot learn by watching programmes and films about it?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience**.  
  
**Answer:**  
  
In globalisation era, people can get anything information every time particular by television. In this case several people believe that from television contents or movies we can access and learn about another state; however, not all of countries can learn by television because several of them have vital privation which is cannot expose to the public.  
  
Recently, developed era offering easiness to access much information connecting people in the worldwide. In this view people can learn anything including about another country such as cultures, languages, and social lifestyle even the heritage. For example, there is television station providing programme about explore countries in the world called VOA channel. This channel gives much information about another country such the USA. When they shows the USA, they will explore anything about the USA such as economic, education, culture or politics which is up to date in the USA.  
  
On the other hand, there are several countries which is would not shows their details country. This is because to keep their vital information to the public, to prevent threatening from out country and limited facilities or inaccessible. Other reason is the state does not interesting to show in the movies or television programmes. Many reasons in this case which is cannot showing the country to the television programme, so if people want to know about the country they should visiting directly the place.  
  
In conclusion, television programmes and movies some times can be reference to learn about another country, but in fact not all of countries can show in the both of those. I hope in the future television programme completely show all of the countries even remote area and inaccessible.  
  
278 word.
Hi Bams,  
i will give you suggestions  
may it helps  
  
... get anything information every ~~time particular~~**particular time** by television.  
*put an adjective before your noun phrase or you can say 'every time in particular'*  
  
however, not all of countries can ~~learn~~**be learned** by television  
using passive form --> modal + be + V3  
  
Recently, developed era **is** offering (...) information to ~~connecting~~**connect** people ~~in the worldwide~~**over the world**  
  
In this view**,** (put comma after introductory phrase) people can learn......  
  
When they ~~shows~~**show** the USA  
*(subject verb agreement)*  
  
there are several countries which ~~is~~**are** would not ~~shows~~**show** their details country.  
*(subject verb agreement)  
modal + V1*  
  
~~This is because to keep their vital information to the public, ...~~  
**This regulation is made for keeping safe the vital information, preventing ...**  
*because + S + V  
because of + Noun  
pay attention to compound sentence. ..... and ....... before and after word 'and' must be equal*  
  
Other reason is the state....  
*other + noun plural  
another + noun singular*
Hello bams, In my oppinion your writing is quite good.  
  
But there are several correction from me such as:  
1. if you write for writing test 2 in IELTS, Remember maximum word you must write approximately 250-265  
2. Using contraction like don't and shouldn't  
3. using connection word  
4. keep you idea to topic don't Jump from one idea to the next  
5. combine arguments "for" and "against" in the same paragraph  
6. is better not many Repeat words  
7. If you knows idioms, using it.  
  
Thanks
Hi Bams, let me give some comments on your essay.  
  
1. ... When they ~~shows~~show the USA ..  
After they should be followed by plural verb  
  
2. ... anything about the USA, such as ...  
before 'such as' you need to give comma  
  
3. ... about the country, they should ~~visiting~~visit directly the place  
It is about first condition sentence, you need to use comma when you are telling about new clause and after modal must followed by infinitive  
  
Thank you,  
Keep writing
Hallo i want to give you some suggestion..  
  
In globalisation era, people can get ~~anything~~ information every ...  
In this case several people believe that from television contents or movies we can access and learn about another state; however, not all of countries can learn by television because several of them ...  
  
**1. ANYTHING ->> ANY refer to negative statement or question. It cannot be used in positif sentence. Therefor, EVERYTHING is more appropiate.  
  
2. In this case, (COMMA) several people ...  
  
3.can learn by television ->> THIS IS ACTUALLY WRONG PASSIVE SENTENCE. PASSIVE FORMULA IS TO BE + PAST PARTICIPLE SO IT MUST CAN BE LEARNT BY TELEVISION**