dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Han, although you did cover the prompt requirement in this letter, there are mistakes that would cause you to get a lower score in the actual test.  
  
....Friday and Saturday by ~~accessing my membership account.~~  
Highly unnecessary. I understand that you might want to increase the word count by doing so, but adding ineffective details would make your essay weaker as a result.  
  
that your gym ~~is about to~~ close down.....  
The gym has already been closed down instead of closing it down today. Let's look at the prompt again.  
  
....**The gym has closed down for a week, and you can't get in.**....  
  
Presenting the wrong timing, you might be treated as misunderstood the prompt.  
  
I am writing to make ~~inquire~~...  
an inquiry.  
inquire is a verb.  
  
.... is that my driving license ~~presently stays inside~~ the bag.  
is in the bag. Again, no need to be ostentatious at this point.  
  
...so nice of you to ~~providing~~ me...  
provide.  
To + infinitive  
  
I hope you can find out what your weaknesses are and focus on correcting them, that way, you will become a better writer soon!
## the imprisonment rate in some countries across the world

  
  
The bar chart illustrates the numbers for imprisonment over a period of 50 years in Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand, United State, and Canada. They pivot represents amounts of prisoners in thousands.  
  
Five countries from 1930 to 1980 show some dramatic fluctuations, such as New Zealand, its prisoners come to 100,000 in 1930, then in 1940 fall in 55,000, and in 1950 fall again to 50,000. For the other three, year 1960. 1970, and 1980 New Zealand bear 65,000, 70,000, and 90,000 prisoners respectively.  
  
In 1970, 95,000 is amount for imprisons of United State, to 135,000 in 1980, the highest of all five countries. While Canada bear prisoners in the range of 120,000 in 1930 to 85,000 in 1970.  
  
Great Britain's prisoners ranged from 85,000, its highest number in 1980, to 30,000 in 1930, the lowest of all five countries. Likewise, prisons of Australia in the range of 70,000 in 1930, to 45,000 in 1950.  
  
*
Hi Asih,  
I'm unsure about the prompt but I think, there should be a comparison in those countries that base on the figures provided.  
+ What is the year that has the lowest and highest number? And in that year, which country presents the lowest number and which one shows the highest  
  
+ In the year 1970, the figures of imprisonment are almost the same in 3 countries => the fluctuation numbers of these 3 countries before 1970  
+ Which countries that remains unchange  
+ which countries that rapidly increase  
+etc  
In my opinion, the paragraphs in your writing need to be connected together
Asih, you need to look at the Task 1 writing samples at this forum in order to learn how to properly write your essay. Read the samples, understand what mistakes were made, and learn from the advice given for the corrections of the errors. Apply the advice to your future practice tests in order to improve your writing skills.  
  
Just writing more than the word count without any actual analysis and substance to your presentation shows a mechanical understanding of the image you were provided. All of your sentences are extremely long. These are called run-on sentences and need to be avoided when writing Task 1 and 2 essays. You will get points deductions in the LR, C&C and GRA sections if your paragraphs are less than understandable and have problems with vocabulary usage and sentence development.  
  
You need to present the information in individual sentences over 4 paragraphs. Anywhere between 3-5 sentences will be sufficient for this task. In actuality, your writing sounds like a very bad version of Google Translate. I think you were not really thinking in English, which made it difficult for you to write the correct English words for this essay.  
  
Don't just present the data, analyze it. What does the data mean? Why is this data important? What is the trend? What should the reader learn from the information you are presenting as a summary analysis? These are questions that the Task 1 essay must respond to.  
  
You need to become more familiar with English vocabulary and word usage in order to show some improvement in your writing ability. Right now, your writing skills do not instill much confidence that you are anywhere near a writing level that will allow you pass the Task 1 essay test.
Hi Asih, since many advice have been given regarding your cohesion and logical overview, I would just focus on grammatical structure and suggest a way to write the task one.  
  
......year 1960**.** 1970, and 1980.....  
Punctuation.  
  
In 1970, 95,000 is amount......  
is **the** amount  
Since you are talking specifically about this portion, "the" as determiner has to be placed in.  
  
~~While~~ Canada bear prisoners......  
Starting with 'While' means that you are creating a subordinate sentence. Without an independent sentence to embed it, you make that sentence to be a run-on sentence.  
  
While Canada ~~bear~~ prisoners....  
bears. You should treat it as the third person pronoun.  
  
In order to write a better academic task one essay, you will need to pick some of the obvious features, and then compare them with the variant of other data.  
  
For example, the prisoners who had been locked up in the United state were the highest in numbers compared to all the other three nations.  
  
Now, you have created a topic sentence for yourself to talk about in that paragraph. Look for any differences in the illustration and place them in your paragraphs explicitly without merely presenting the data.
McKelvey, you may want to revise this essay a bit. You mention the Kimberly Process a few times in the essay, but you do not really explain what this process is all about. I understand that it can put an end to the blood diamond process, but I am unclear as to how this can happen and what its connection to the diamond trade is. I think you should review the essay and decide where you can insert a paragraph that references this discussion. It will give the essay a more informative touch and also present the reader with a clear understanding of what this alternative process is all about.  
  
Aside from grammar correction and sentence editing, the essay could use a more solid thesis statement. I know what the essay is talking about, I don't know why you are talking about it. What is the purpose of the essay? You guessed it, the all too important thesis statement is missing from the opening paragraph. You have a very effective hook, but the reason for the presentation is totally non-existent. So when you discuss the history of the blood diamond, its current implications, and the Kimberly Process, I find myself asking, "Why should I care about any of this? How does it affect me? Why does it affect me?" Like you said in the essay, this will never affect me in America. So what gives? That, is where the essay fails in terms of informing the reader.
## a moment that has defined who I am

  
  
This isn't necessarily an essay. It's one paragraph about a moment that has defined who I am. If any of you guys mind reading this and giving me feedback I would appreciate (this is due tomorrow)  
  
Experiences, moments, and events all have an impact on our life. They can either be the most memorable moments or the most heartbreaking ones. Regardless of how they impact us, it still teaches us important values, lessons and morals. My defining experience was in the year of 2014, around the end of grade eight. You see, I wasn't always the most positive nor the most confident person. After being bullied for three years from the age of nine, the idea of loving and believing in myself suddenly became a foreign language to me. I turned to self-harm at the age of twelve to deal with what I was feeling. Around the month of June 2014, I was in a dance group for my art class and we were practicing at my house on a weekend as my backyard was big. It was very humid, but I had to wear my sister's burgundy McMaster sweater to cover up the cuts on the wrist of my left arm. While we were dancing the left sleeve of my sweater pulled up, revealing a few of the cuts that one of my dance partners, Anish, noticed. The next day, he told the homeroom teacher who talked to me about it. I was then sent to the principal's office and she called my parents after school. When I got home, I remember hearing my mom cry on the phone as she tried to ask me why I cut myself. I was not able to answer because of the tears that continued to pour from my eyes. When she came from work, I went to the family doctor who suggested that I go to the hospital. At the hospital, I talked to a social worker for what seemed like hours and was told that I have an anxiety issue that could be treated by either taking medication or seeing a therapist. I refused to talk to a therapist however, my parents also did not want me to go on medication in case I depended on it whenever I have a panic attack. In the end, I did nothing. I didn't get the help that I needed. But, this significant experience taught me that I needed to learn how to trust my friends, to understand that I am not alone. Without going through this situation, I would not have been closer to the friends I have now. I am proud of how far I have come. To be able to say that I made it this far, I can make it through one more day. Although I can not tell you that I love myself completely, I can tell you that I am trying my best to overcome my inner struggles.
Thanks & this is an assignment for my grade 12 english class. Sorry, I forgot to write that in. The only problem is I'm not sure if I am allowed to use second person perspective. She didn't specify which perspective to use so I'm hoping that it's okay if I do. I emailed her but she isn't replying!  
  
And also, do you think that the part about why this experience is significant to me is good or should I make it longer? I am only concerned because what I wrote for the significance is only a couple of sentences long
I guess it's perfectly fine. You're telling a story about this personal experience and talking to your audience. It sounds natural even as an assignment. Nevertheless you can wait for your teacher's answer.  
  
I think you can expand the part which you mentioned the impacts... Specifically why this taught you the importance of friendship. This isn't so obvious in your current text. Although you didn't use the help of people around.. How could you appreciate it? Explain this part a little bit and it would be great  
  
By the way thanks for ur comment on my essay. Totally useful
Sujana, one of the points for correction in this essay is your reference to the idea that you could love and believe in yourself. That is not to be defined as a language but rather a belief or a mindset. I would change that sentence to "... because a foreign idea to me." or "became a strange belief for me". Additionally, I would not say that you did not get the help you needed. You actually got the help you needed from the people whose influence and acceptance of you matters the most, your peers and family. That love, care, and affection cannot be given by a therapist nor drugs. You healed on a personal level and that is what matters the most.  
  
This is a very good self-analysis essay. You have made a strong statement that explains where you came from, who you were, and who you are today. That is the mark of a well developed narrative presentation. Good job!
## COMPUTER BRANDS IN LAPTOPS SECTOR OVER 10 YEARS AGO

  
  
*The table below shows the worldwide market share of the notebook computer market for manufacturers in the years 2006 and 2007.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
The provided table depicted the international market share of the laptop market for manufacturers between the year of 2006 to 2007.  
  
In general, the Fujitsu-Siemens laptop company was the least favourite to customers within these two years while the HP company kept up the pace and remained on the top of the notebook computer market. The Fujitsu company had only 4.8% of the total value of the entire market in the year 2006 and it fell down to 2.3%, being the lowest continuously out of other competitors. Contrastingly, the HP company held 31.4% shares in 2006 and the percentage increased about 3% in the next year.  
  
Other companies like Dell, Toshiba were also steadily raised in terms of their shares in the financial market. The share value of the Dell company boosted up to 20.2% in the second year from 16.6% in the first year. The similar trend to this positive outcome was the Toshiba company, having the increased of 1.1% in between two-years period.  
  
Some other companies were unlucky enough which suffered the falling in between the years. Acer and Lenovo of their shares were dropped to 0.9% and 0.4% respectively. Unnamed companies had decreased 3.5% at the end of 2007 in the market before the share value was once at 22.8%.  
  
*Your critique is appreciated!*  
  
*
*Many people believe that scientific research should be carried out and controlled by the governments rather than private companies.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?*  
  
## government protection over scientific research

  
  
The given idea argues that research in science should be implemented and monitored by the governments instead of private companies. I do not agree with that opinion. Generally, there are two main advantages when the private companies manipulated a study, being finance resource and discovery motivation.  
  
First of all, the government's budget is limited because they must share for all public activities over the nation. While the companies usually build up funds to invest in research and development for creating and improving products. As the fact that study projects in advanced countries have the trend using money from private organisation based on a cooperative agreement. So that, the financial burden on the national budget associated with science is reduced. Recently, the Asian developing countries have been applying this model in the national strategy of science.  
  
In addition, this cooperation is the important motivation for studying and applying into reality. Authorities must concentrate on their projects and ensure quality of outcomes because they have commitment to sponsors about applicability of these study. By contrast, if government covers all budget for researchers, they can become neglect and lack motivation because of no strict constraints. Formerly, scientific research in Vietnam mainly depend on government budget. Scientists can be approved easily to finish their project through a science council without concerning applicability. Therefore, individual sponsorship constraints is the suitable motivation for research and development.  
  
Consequently, I totally think that research in science should be operated independently by individual companies to boost applicability of scientific research.
Phan, you have a tendency to write hanging sentences. A hanging sentence is a presentation of an incomplete thought or idea. This means, you may have subject but not a verb for your presentation or a verb but no subject. or a variation thereof. An example of a hanging sentence from your essay is as follows:  
  
*While the companies usually build up funds to invest in research and development for creating and improving products.  
  
As the fact that study projects in advanced countries have the trend using money from private organisation based on a cooperative agreement.*  
  
The first example, should have been connected to the previous sentence rather than making it a stand-alone hanging sentence. The use of a simple comma between the two thoughts would have created a cohesive and coherent sentence presentation. In the second example, you need to provide a fact first, then connect it to this statement either as a stand alone sentence or a blended sentence of 2 thoughts in one presentation.  
  
Finally, since this is an extent essay, you cannot simply "not agree" with the given statement. You need to give a measure of disagreement such as strongly, fully, partially, half heartedly, apprehensively, and other similar "emotional" reference words before your actual agreement/disagreement. You also turned the essay into a direct question response essay by immediately stating your reasons for your decision rather than keeping those for the body of paragraphs, which normally allow you to better explain your reasons. Only a direct question essay gives you the opportunity to create a thesis statement based on your discussion reasons. In all other essays, the thesis statement is provided to you by the agree/disagree, POV discussion instructions.
## MORE FUNDS FOR RAILWAYS OR FOR PUBLIC ROADS?

  
  
*In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
In a few countries, there has been a discussion on whether they should invest money on building new high-speed-trains or rather spend money on currents public transportation system to develop better functions. Overall. I believe the priority should be upgrading transportations that we already have. However, I think the answer depends on different situations of different countries.  
  
Without a doubt, there are both advantages and disadvantages of constructing a new fast train system. First of all, it can considerably reduce the time of commuting between cities, which can bring up the development of various cities, resulting in the economic performance of one country. For example, in my country Taiwan, our High Speed Railway (HSR) system was launched about 15 years ago. It had lowered the cost of traveling between cities, and benefitted those who had to travel frequently. Secondly, however, constructing a new system takes up spaces and costs bigger amount of money comparing to upgrading the old one The HSR in Taiwan had caused conflicts in selecting the adequate location and also once appeared financial crisis due to expensive construction costs.  
  
In my opinion, government should evaluate the possibility and compablity of improving existing systems. This can achieve a result of spending less money. Take my country for example, a new type of train using 100-years-old system was established 10 years ago, cutting half the time traveling among cities. With this approach, the government only needed to buy new trains and slightly altered the system. The best feature of this approach is that no new railway was needed.  
  
To sum it up, building a fast train system with new railways or improving the old ones can both achieve better public transportation. I believe government should take upgrading old railways first since it costs less. In conclusion, whether constructing a new system or upgrading the old railway, we should evaluate according to the needs and circumstances of one country and also take cost-benefit analysis into consideration.
Hi Shih, there are several suggestions I would like to make.  
  
Overall**.** I believe the priority....  
Be careful with the punctuation. It would be very unfortunate to suffer a lower score from this mirror mistake.  
The discussion essay is presented by discussing public points of view rather than your own opinion all the way. If you look again at the topic:  
  
Discuss both these ...  
Therefore, you should present two public views and your own opinion in logical orders regarding the topic.  
  
... there are both **advantages and disadvantages** of constructing....  
Since this is a discussion essay, the reader would assume this is a mistake that you misunderstood the question.  
  
The best feature of this approach ~~is~~ that no new....  
was
Shi, your essay falls short in terms of Task Accuracy and cannot get a passing score due to discussion inadequacies, among the other problems of your essay. You need to be more focused and concentrated when reading the original prompt so that you can clearly restate it in the prompt paraphrase. In this instance, you misinformed the reader, did not properly outline the discussion topics for the body of paragraphs, and only used a singular point of view throughout the presentation. These are the main reasons why your score will get a low TA consideration. Now, for the specific explanations of your problems.  
  
For starters, let me show you the correct paraphrase for the instructions / thesis statement of the prompt since that is where your mistake lies in this paragraph:  
  
*My opinion regarding this discussion will be based on an understanding of the two points of view that need to be better understood by the public.*  
  
The above presentation clearly outlines what the discussion in the body paragraphs will be based upon the original set of instructions which are: 2 POV + Personal Opinion. To be clear, I'll outline the instructions for you so that you can see why you made a mistake:  
  
*Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Paraphrase: I believe the priority should be upgrading transportations that we already have. However, I think the answer depends on different situations of different countries.*  
  
Your thesis paraphrase should never be different from the original prompt. Doing so clearly shows a lack of English comprehension skills and will cause the essay, as in this instance, to get a failing score. Once you make a mistake with the opening paraphrase, there is no hope of ever passing the test as the TA section is the biggest of the scoring considerations. Now, based on the fact that you did not discuss both points of view in this essay based on the original instruction, there are additional reasons as to why your essay will be unable to receive a passing score. One simple mistake, changing the manner of the discussion has led you to not pass this test.
## pursuing money away from loved ones

  
  
*These days many families move abroad for work. Some people believe that this benefits the children in these families. Others believe that it makes their lives more difficult.Discuss both views and give your own opinion.*  
  
Every family tends to live a quality life and earn more money. To achieve this, they move outside to foreign nations. While some individuals think that this trend is in the favor of children of these families, rest of the people opine that this create more difficulties in their lives.In my opinion, it is a sensible decision to move out of the country to find better carrer opportunities.  
  
On the one side of argument, it is becoming essential to move abroad for a good compensation and better future for the children. An individual can provide all necessary amenities to his child only if he earns well. For example,financially well parents can provide high standard education to their children. Moreover, it also has been oberserved that children which are born in poor family often induldge in bad habbits which subsequently impact their future. Therefore, it seems right decision for families to settle down abroad for their children's better life  
  
On the flip side, there are several reasons due to which lives of family members become more challenging when they settle abroad. Major difficulty they ecounter is cultural gap. Sometimes, people do not find the cooperative environment in their workplace because native countrymen speak in their own language which is difficult to understand by foreign employee. In addition, environmental conditions also create problem for new families. For instance, during harsh whether conditions people fall sick when they move into other country.  
  
In a nutshell, doing a work in new country or settling down there enhance the living standard of family. People also face certain difficulties while they encouter new culture but these problems get vanish as the time pass. Overall, decision to move abroad for an employment proves benefitial for families.