dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Mosquitoes, Malaria, and Education - Bill Gates**  
  
In 1960, there were high rates of death children before the age of five because of some diseases such as diarrhea, pneumonia, and malaria. In the year of 1990 there were a half cut down of childhood death rates because of some changes in community from the rising of income and the use of vaccines. The peak of malarial death was a bit over 5 million in 1930. This disease became more gigantic in not only poor countries but also rich countries such America and European country. The knowledge and innovation has been created to decrease malaria for example the use of DDT or even the use of net to banish the mosquitoes. Developed countries got rid of this disease faster than some countries around the equator with majority are poor country. To get rid from malaria we need many elements in order to eradicate malaria such as communication, scientist, government, etc.  
  
Education also huge problems in this world where some place are still experiencing low education system. People who do not have good education will lead to difficulties in getting a job. Low income people also tend to enter the jail. We have to change the way people believe and make more people equal in getting a job and having an equal salary. Great education is one of the solutions that need to spread all over the place to people. To make an education better can be done by having a great teacher.
Dear misskitty, you have a good summary, however I have some advice for you  
  
**It is essential to attach the source of the article. (This summary is brought from *(the link)***  
  
In the year of 1990 (...) childhood death rates because of some changes in community from the rising of income and the use of vaccines .  
Word "from"is always followed by "to"  
  
Instead of saying ~~because of some changes in community from the rising of income and the use of vaccines~~ , you may say **since some changes is faced such as the rising income and the use of vaccines**.  
  
*The peak of malarial death ~~was~~is a bit over ...  
This disease ~~became~~becomes more gigantic in*  
**since it is a fact, you should state it in present tense**  
  
Keep writing. Best Regards.
**Overworking style in Japan**  
  
Overworking is the predominant cause of almost suicide case is Japan, It is known as karoshi. This October, the government reports that workers have average 80 hours a month, even 12% of them shows 100 hours. According to the survey, 93 workers committed suicide over last three months. While other employees suffered heart attacks or strokes due to over working. To overcome such problem, Shinzo Abe plans to include that in his reforms plan in order workers have a balance between life and work. But he confronts some difficulties since business practices required dedication to the job far ahead of performance. Such trend likely caused by Japan is one of the least productive economies, in the OECD, generating only $39 compared by America's $ 62.
Lincoln,  
Here's my inputs and remarks towards your article summary. Hope this helps :)  
  
- ... suicide case is Japan. (stop here. New sentence)It is known as *Karoshi*.  
- ... committed suicide over the last three months.  
- ~~While~~Meanwhile, other employees (...) due to over-working .  
- ... reforms plan in order to make workers have a balance living condition between life and work.  
- ~~But~~However, he confronts some (...) practices ~~required~~requiresa total dedication to the job far ~~ahead of~~beyond the performance.  
- ~~Such trend likely caused by Japan~~This trend causes Japan becomes~~is~~ one of the least productive (...) compared by America's $62.
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your summary  
  
(1) ... almost suicide case ~~is~~**in** Japan, ~~It is~~**which iswell** known as karoshi.  
(2) ... over last three months. While other employees ...  
*'while', 'when', 'after', 'before', and 'if' should be in the one sentence with comma*  
(3) ... to include that in his ~~reforms~~**reformation's** plan in order **to make** workers have ...  
(4) ~~But~~ he confronts some difficulties since **his** business practices ...  
*avoid using 'and', 'for', 'but', 'also' in the first sentence*  
(5) ~~Such~~**This** trend **is more** likely **to** caused by Japan ~~is~~**as the** one of the least (...) compared by America~~'s~~ $ 62.
**Some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.**  
  
In the present, a healthy lifestyle is one of need by people. Because developing of world and many more activities or jobs, people will forget to discover their bodies. Unhealthy life, can be caused by consume unhealthy food or do not time to do sport. They are so busy and it makes them consume dangerous food, such as Junk food and other instant food which is simple to eaten. They do not think about the disease which can destroy their bodies if consume unhealthy food.  
  
These days, Junk food or instant food can find everywhere. People usually choose eat junk food because they do not need more time and not expensive. Junk food have made people unhealthy, because there is less nutrition, it will make people obesity or find some disease such as cholesterol, higher blood pressure and mere dangerous is cancer. On the other hand, because busy reason, people do not have time to do sports. It will make much fat in their body, because in a week they just work and usually have pressure which can make stress. And finally, they are lazy to sport and because they think it will make they are more tired. They do not know it is unhealthy life style which can dangerous for their life.  
  
But with the development of technology, we can find many facilities or people who have stored healthy food and we can delivery order. So in this time, nothing reason by people to say they do not have time to looking for food and make it by self because we can order whenever we want. Besides, doing sport is one of simple to doing in the house, because we can download of example gesture, which can help to do sport in house without go out. There several sports which can do in the home such as, yoga and gym.  
  
In conclusion, unhealthy lifestyle always there are in daily activity but we can avoid this situation with used our knowledge and technology. Because, the world have became developing, many facilities can find and help people to doing healthy life style.
hai rezki  
your idea is so good  
but let me give you some suggestions  
hope it helps  
  
... healthy lifestyle is one of ~~need~~**necessities** by people.  
  
avoid using because in first sentence**This is** because ~~developing of~~ world **development** and many more activities ~~or~~**and** jobs, people will forget to discover their bodies.  
  
**the** Unhealthy life~~,~~ can be caused (...) or do not **have much** time ~~to do~~**for** sport.  
  
They are so busy ~~and~~**so that** it makes them consume dangerous food~~,~~ such as Junk (...) which is simple to eat~~en~~ . <<< **(after 'to' is V1)**  
  
... lifestyle always ~~there are~~happen in daily activity, but we can avoid ...  
Because, the world have **+ V3**~~became~~become developing, many facilities ...  
  
**I recommended you to use pattern from ielts buddy for body 1 and 2  
- paraphrase your idea  
- reason  
- example  
- results  
all of it is to control your main idea**  
  
good job  
keep writing
Mom and Dad should be the teacher for social life of their children. Other people think that school should be responsible to give related subject about that. Meanwhile, the children have lived with their parent since they were born in this universe. It makes me to believe that the parent is the first and the best teacher for them. Even thought, they get counselling subject in their school. This essay will discuss about this notion.  
  
First of all, the most of first children knowledge have come from their life hood owing to the fact that they grew up in this site, and the first people who though them were their mother and father. Currently they gave the biggest influence about their children knowledge especially in social life. For example, the new born baby do not know all of thing in the world, and their parent teach them how to eat, drink, and communicate with other people. So, being good or bad child in social life is depend on how their parent teach them.  
  
On the other hand, school has provided counselling subject. Furthermore, the students always practice this subject in in the school to make conversation with their peers. Nerveless, just counselling lesson is not enough for making student to become good people due to the fact that the teacher just give this lesson almost one time in a week, and they are not able to respect for all of the student. So, this subject is not effective to make a student being good in social life.  
  
Overall, it can be seen that parent is the best teacher for children about their social life. Whereas the school give lesson about that, just lesson from school is not enough to make children being good people in life hood.
Mom and Dad should be a teacher for social life of their children.  
(be careful with the and a (a use for singular noun countable)  
  
2. ... their children knowledge especially in social life ..  
It should be children's knowledge ---> the knowledge that belong to children  
  
3. ... practice this subject ~~in in the~~at school to make ...  
there are two preposition respectively in one sentence ---> in in, just delete one of them or change into 'at'  
  
Thank you
Hello Pramudia, here my suggestion for you :)  
  
t makes me ~~to~~ believe that the parent is ...  
people who though[Though? may be you mean taught >> from teach] them were their ...  
... influence about theirchildren knowledge[children's knowledge]  
... new born baby do not[does not] know all of thing in the world  
... child in social life ~~is~~ depend on how their parent teach them  
Nerveless[Nevertheless] just counselling lesson ...  
  
NOTICE; typo, because different words, different meaning  
  
Keep practicing and GLUCK :)
Hello Pram!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. *Mom and Dad*  
(informal use, better if: mother and father)  
2. *should be* the teacher for... Other people think that school *should be*  
(too repetitive)  
3. responsible ~~to~~ give related subject about that.  
4. It makes me ~~to~~ believe that the parent ...  
5. This essay will discuss about*this notio*n.  
(Youu have to discuss both discussion)  
  
I hope it can help you :)
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
overall, this is a good introduction. You successfully delivered your introductory paragraph with strong opinion related to the issue. However, this is to long while you tend to make simple sentences. Just bear in mind to always make a strong, brief, and effective introduction that consist by ideally 2 to 3 paragraphs. all the important details should be presented in body paragraph. Good job  
  
**BODY PARAGRAPH**  
Body 1:*your idea is adequate but need to develop more. you should emphasize what kinds or moral/social value children get from parents and then why it is good for them to get it from their parents.*  
  
body 2:  
*is counselling subject is only a matter of peer conversation??? your idea is quite confusing here added by poor developed supporting details.You should emphasize what is counseling subject, what sorts of knowledge student can get from it, and why it is not sufficient for children social value learning*  
  
**CONCLUSION**  
just simply restate your opinion here after paraphrase your main ideas in body paragraphs.
**Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.**  
  
To teach children become a good members of society, they need to be teached by their parents. Meanwhile, some people argue that school is the best place for children to learn about good behavioural. However, in my opinion, parents are more important to teach children to be a good members of society than school.  
  
Firstly, I believe that school is the best place for children to study, but they can only learn more theoritical learning than its application. Teachers will only provide some books to be read by children and teach them how to be a good person. For example, by reading a book, children can study some customs, such as helping and tolerating each other. In result, they get new knowledge about custom, but they still do not know when they have to help or tolerate others. So, school is only a place where children can study about good attitude.  
  
On the other hand, in my view, parents have big responsbility to teach about a good or a bad thing for children, because they have more time to interact with their own children than school do. For instance, children are able to learn directly about respect with older people by saying a greeting, because they have seen their parents do the same way. In fact, they can learn many good behavioural through daily activity. So, parents can give positive impact by teaching a good example that can be immitate by children.  
  
In conclusion, parents have greater effect on children's attitude than school do. Although school can provide some books that can influence childreen indirectly, parents can provide more examples that can be done directly. (270 words)
Hello Septia  
You have a good summary  
I have some corrections for you  
  
1. To teach children become a good members ... -->  
*The parents have responsibility to teach their children to be a good members of society*  
  
2. However, in my opinion, parents are more important ...-->  
*However, in my opinion, the parents have more important role to give education such as communication with other people that they cannot get in the school*.  
  
3. *... but they still do not know when they **could apply this way**.*  
  
4. ~~So~~Thus , school is only a place ...  
  
5. too many 'good', maybe it can be changed into new words  
  
... many good behavioural ~~through~~for daily activity. ~~So~~Therefore , parents can give positive impact for the chidren by teaching a good ...  
  
... that can influence ~~childreen~~children indirectly, parents can provide ...
Hi, septidara29, I want to write some comments based on your writing  
  
1.There are some errors in spelling, such as:  
teached ----> taught  
behavioural ----> behavioral  
theoritical ----> theoretical  
responsbility ----> responsibility  
immitate ----> imitate  
childreen ----> children  
I suggest you to manage your time so can check your answer again to make it sure there is not wrong in spelling  
  
2. they can learn ~~many~~much good ~~behavioural~~behavior through daily activity ...  
#it is better to replace behavioral (adjective) by behavior (noun)  
# Because behavior is uncountable, hence many should be replaced by 'much'  
  
3. ... a good example that can be ~~immitate~~imitated by children ...  
Because it uses passive sentence, so imitate should be replaced by imitated  
  
Thanks
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
overall this is enough. you paraphrase the question then giving your personal opinion which indicated that you addressed the task responses. However, there are many spaces for improvements there.  
  
*To teach childrenbecome a good members of society needs the role of their parents [OR ==> Children need to be taught by parents so that they can become a good members of society]. Meanwhile, some people argue that school is the best place for children to learn about good behavior. However, in my opinion, parents are more important to teach children to be agood members of society than school.*{REPETITIVE}  
  
**BODY PARAGRAPH**  
Body 1= you mentioned about lack of practice in school since children only focus on theoretical learning here. You should emphasize more about behavioral lesson they get from school while giving a proper conclusion of your paragraph. the conclusion you gave is contradicted or poor developed from your idea explanation  
  
Body 2= *Emphasize more why lesson children get from parents is more effective that what they get from school!*  
  
**CONCLUSION**  
Overall, it is simple and effective. You mentioned your main idea well made it as a good conclusion. Better to restate your opinion again here .
***Some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be.***  
  
Nowadays, healthy lifestyle is a dream each people. Although some are skeptical to do healthy ways because of advertising and technology, others are more likely to against this notion. They believe the way of health can be found more conveniently in this era. I personally tend to the latter opinion because many facilities can be used to get people's health. However, it depends on themselves whether they want to or not.  
  
Admittedly, advertisement is one of the key factors in which people, nowadays, are very difficult to do something making them healthy. This is because advertising can influence people's environment and habit. For instance, most of junk food companies utilize advertising to be closer to individuals in all aged levels. Thus, we can see junk food advertisement dominates more than others and also people are more and more drawn to consume that food. Another reason is many offers to do passive activities such as computer, the Internet, television programs, and games. According to latest study, 3 in 4 young adults in developing countries spend their time about a half in a day sitting down to access Internet or playing games, while 55 percent of children, also, do what young adults do.  
  
In another perspective, people, basically, are facilitated to live better with many health tools. This is because both the government and investors around the world have already provided sports facilities to public. Taking Indonesia as an example, the government introduces the regulation about one hometown, one public health. This rule has been released since 2014 to encourage citizens spending their day off to exercise more in that area. In addition, many markets offer healthy food because they realize that many people begin to change their diet to healthy meals. For instance, in my country, most of markets provide healthy food opposite the entrance to pay costumers' attention and buy this.  
  
To sum up, I believe although many difficulties which people face to be healthier, there are always ways which can be found. I suggest that people should try to get health because healthy lifestyle is the most crucial in our lives.  
  
**(352 words)**
Hi Ilham,  
Here's my analysis towards your IELTS writing task 2 essay. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- ~~Nowadays~~These days , healthy lifestyle is a dream for ~~each people~~most people.(do not overgeneralize an idea if you want to reach band 6 or above.)  
  
- Although some are skeptical to ~~do~~have healthy ways because of...  
- They believe ~~the way of health~~healthy lifestyle can be found more conveniently in this era.  
- .... can be used ~~to get people's health~~for making people healthy.  
- ... whether they want ~~to~~it or not.  
  
4th paragraph:  
- To sum up, ~~I believe although many difficulties which people face to be healthier~~despite difficulties in achieving a healthy lifestyle, I would argue that there are always ways which can be found.  
  
- I suggest that people should try to ~~get health~~be healthy by having a healthy lifestyle because health~~y lifestyle~~ is the most crucial thing in ~~our lives~~people's life .  
  
Hope this helps :)
Aloha ichanpants89, thank you for your suggestion, I hope you want to double check my essay. Here is my editing;  
  
These days, healthy lifestyle is one of the crucial matters around the world. Although some are skeptical to have healthy ways ...  
... many facilities can be used to gain people's health.  
... whether they want it or not.  
  
To sum up, despite difficulties in achieving a healthy lifestyle, I would argue that there are always ways ...  
I suggest that people should try to provide their health because individual's health is the most crucial in people's lives.
***It is pointless making children who lack artistic talent learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school. Instead, they should concentrate on other creative and practical subjects which they may have more aptitude. To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Some claim that children who lack artistic talent are useless to learn painting and drawing in art programs at school. However, some say that they should focus on other creative and practical subjects which more benefit for them. I totally disagree with such an idea because they should be thought to learn painting as teachers in art school have more experiences and they can guide them to develop their potential.  
  
It is generally believed that teachers have more experiences in art subjects. The reason for this is that before they become a tutor in school, they were students in art programs and understand the difficulties in this subject. Besides, they also have knowledge to face this situation and can share it for their students. For instance, a current survey carried out by University of California stated that 67% of teachers had the same condition as their students and share their experiences to face this position. As a result, students can do their best about this problem and do not repeat the mistakes of their teachers.  
  
Aside from what is explained above, students can be gulden by their teachers to develop their ability. Teachers had faced a lot of children who lack in art subject, but they can do the best to build up their skills. For example, University of Harvard surveying students who inadequacy in art subject in Boston and found that 70% of them can increase their aptitude in art after 6 months studying with tutors. Furthermore, it is acceptable that teachers are the best guide for students to grow up their art skills.  
  
The aforementioned evidence reveals that even though pupils do not have enough ability in art, they should think to learn painting and drawing as teachers have known the best for them and can help students to increase their capability in artistic. The government should make the best art study programs at school in order to help teachers increasing children ability.
Talking about your idea, you said that *"I totally disagree with such an idea because they should be thought to learn painting as **teachers in art school have more experiences and they can guide them to develop their potential.**"* Firstly, when you say "teachers have more experiences", I think that you did over-generalize an idea. I think that **not all teachers** have more experiences in teaching arts. It is true that they study arts before they teach, but not all of them acquire the same level of understanding. Therefore, I reckon that it is better to say *"some teachers".*  
  
Your second idea related to "develop their potential" is questionable. The prompt is clear that "children who **lack** artistic **talent**". If children "lack talent", I am sure that they have another potential despite "arts". So, this idea is quite tricky. Even though you have mentioned a survey related to this, there are still 30% of students who couldn't keep up with the material given by the teacher itself. Perhaps, it is better to say *"Making children who lack artistic talent to learn painting and drawing in art classes is beneficial due to the possibility to make them succeed."* Then you can mention a survey to support this argument.  
  
Hope this helps :)