dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**TOPIC:- Most pollution, especially air and water pollution, is caused by industry. If we want to protect the environment, we should make factories and other forms of industry pay for all the pollution that they have caused. That is the only way to make sure that the owners will make a serious effort to reduce the pollution that they cause. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## who is to blame for the environmental pollution?

  
  
It is quite evident that industries are the biggest contributor for all types of pollution like, air, water etc.. In order to safeguard the environment, these industries should pay for the damage, they have caused. This is an ideal solution to create a sense of responsibility amongst the owners to reduce the pollution. I completely agree with this idea.  
  
In my opinion, imposing heavy taxes and strict penalties to the industries following unhealthy practices leading to environmental issues is the most efficient way to reduce pollution. This will force the industry owners to restrict such activities leading to decline in pollution level and enforce green surroundings. Moreover, due to this step they will incorporate advanced and environmentally friendly techniques which would significantly contribute to the overall growth of the country and provide a better and healthy future.  
  
Furthermore, incorporating such measures would help develop a sense of social responsibility amongst the industry owners. It is observed that the humans are resistant to change. However, these forced changes will make them aware about the criticality of the issue and its adverse damages in the long run. They will be inspired to become more responsible in eradicating these malpractices. Henceforth, developing trust and harmony amongst the citizens and increase the happiness quotient of the country.  
  
In a nutshell, making the industry owners accountable for this negative development is the best way to tackle environmental issues, like air, water pollution etc.. It is a win-win solution for both the owners as well as the country by providing a healthy environment and advanced environmentally friendly techniques to run industrial operations. Henceforth, in my opinion, such actions should be encouraged for an environmentally-safe future.
Chinky, the opening paraphrase that you presented is strong and impressive. However, you need to remain within the prompt requirements and indicate that this is not your sentiment. You cannot begin your discussion in the opening paraphrase portion. That is why your opening paraphrase is wrong in presentation. You must always indicate the original discussion by referencing it in your paraphrase. Hence;  
  
*It is said that industries are the major sources of air and water pollution. That is why there is a proposal that, in order to protect nature, these corporations should be held responsible for their actions. That means, having them pay for the impurities that they release into our environment. I am in strong agreement with this proposal for a number of reasons.*  
  
This type of presentation will increase your TA score and boost the rest of your scoring considerations in the process. I will not fault your body of paragraphs because those are highly effective in presentation and shows a clear grasp of the prompt topic, its discussion process, and your ability to use the English language in accomplishing those requirements.  
  
I would like to point out though that this is an academic paper and as such, you must never be caught using the term "etc." which means "and so on and so forth" because that shows a non academic sentence development. Additionally, you need to double check your punctuation marks because you have a double period after the "etc" part. Small mistakes like that will greatly decrease your GRA scores. Be very careful presentation wise. Never lose the academic tone and presentation format.
Dear Chinky, your essay seemed nice to me. However, I can give you some suggestions that you might want to consider.  
You may amend your essay with reconsidering these:  
'etc.."  
"amongst" 3 times! Alternatives: among/between/amidst  
"environmentally friendly" 2 times.  
and etc.  
There are a few words you could replace with other words. You can use power thesaurus website.  
  
And here some good alternative words I try to use instead of "for". It make the essay more eye catching. Here you go:  
beneficial to  
concerning  
conducive to  
in consideration of  
supposing  
during  
for the sake of  
in favor of  
in furtherance of  
in order to  
in place of  
in pursuance of  
in the direction of  
in the interest of  
in terms of  
in an effort/attempt to
Hi, this is me again. Since this is my very first writing, I do need your *constructive criticism* (i,e more than just proofreading)  
  
below is my writing on IELTS task 2 (this is not the real test instead of the graph I took from my practice book)  
  
## what instead of coal in europe?

  
  
This line graph shows a significant fall in the proportion of production of energy from coal in four European countries over 15-year period, form 1995 to 2000. Overall, it can be seen that despite having a significant fall, Sweden and France could make a stable production in the last 6 years, while Denmark and Germany experienced a dramatic fall until 2010.  
  
Denmark stood at the highest rate production at 60% in 1995, and then fell sharply to 10% in 2010. Unlike Denmark, Germany only experienced fall to 5% in 2007, and then rose significantly to 15% above Denmark.  
  
Sweden stood at 35% below Denmark and Germany. However, Sweden experienced a stable production over last 6 years at 28%, the highest of four countries, while the production of energy from coal in France remained below Sweden over 15-year period.  
  
*
Ridho, here are some recommendations that might be helpful:  
It was better if you provided us with the full task prompt. Apart from that, you wrote below the required word count number which is 150.  
  
In your first paragraph, your summary of overall trend is actually a detail. I think you missed the fact that all countries reduced the amount of energy they produced from coal.  
  
I am not sure about the prompt but the graph presumably shows an intentional reduction or increase in using coal so using verbs like "fall", "rose" might not be appropriate without showing that the country itself increased or decreased it. For example:  
  
Denmark stood .... fell sharply to 10% in 2010. -> Denmark produced 60% of its energy from coal in 1995 but reduced it to 10% in 2010.  
However, Sweden ... over last 6 years at 28%, ... -> However, Sweden maintained its production level over last 6 years just below 30%  
So you have to choose a suitable tone for each graph.
Ade, you forgot to provide the original prompt with the presentation. I cannot accurately assist you with further learning if you do not provide me with the basis of your writing. The prompt is what will point out the problem areas of your writing to me so that I can help you address them for increased scoring considerations. Let me offer you some general pointers instead.  
  
For the summary overview, you need to remember only one thing. You have to describe the chart data sources in detail to the reader. Why do you have to do that? The Task 1 essay will test your ability to describe and analyze information in a manner that will make the report understandable to the person who will be reading it. Why do you need to present precise information? The idea is that the reader will not have a copy of the illustration that you were given. As such, you need to make the reader as informed as possible regarding the content of the chart. No information with specifics at this point. Just a summary of the content of the graph. That includes:  
  
1. The type of image provided and topic of the measurement  
2. The type of measurement used  
3. The specific basis of the measurement (countries, gender, etc.)  
4. The trend of the chart  
5. The instructions for the discussion  
  
That outline gives you the first 5 sentences for the first paragraph of your essay. It also provides you with the outline that you can follow for the body presentation. The outline is a requirement for the exam taker so that you will be providing the reader with a list of the upcoming discussions, per paragraph. Thus making it easier for the reader to scan and understand your analysis of the data.  
  
Be consistent in the presentation of your paragraphs. A critically analyzed image can be provided within a maximum of 5 sentences in as little as 4 paragraphs. Do not present less than 4 fully developed paragraphs so that you can maximize your overall scoring potential. At the moment. you are not doing that. I only see an overview presentation of the obvious information from the chart but not a critical analysis of critical overlapping points. Look for small details that can make your essay stand out in order to prove your ability to properly develop an analytical essay.
## technology effect on children

  
  
A debate on whether the technology has positive influence on children is always a hot topic,and many people choose to support the idea that technology always has negative effect on children,however, i will support the argument that technology has positive effect on children.  
  
it is undeniable that like playing simple toys or playing outside with friends, technology has positive influence on children's development as well. as technology advances, class experience has increased a lot.instructors could teach children in various ways. for instance, the technology on augment reality and virtual reality advanced a lot.people could be immersed in a scene which they can not be there in real life easily.by these technology ,children could engage in the courses profoundly. for instance, children could learn animals by using virtual reality, they could learn geology by using augment reality. furthermore, children now could get in touch with friends on any devices easily due to these chat application. they can have a video chat with friends whenever they want, even if they are not in different country.  
  
However,as we said,every coin has two sides.technology has some negative effect on children's development. as people become wealthier and moreover, technology advances, more and more children are obsessed with video games, leading to many physical maladies. for instance , watching monitor several hours could really demage children's eyesight and they spine. i have just heard a news that in china, a girl played a mobile game called,"honor of kings",which is really popular in china,for entire 24 hours, consequently,cause her blindness. this case mirrors a prevalent fact that children spend lot's of time on video games. chidlren. besides. as we see today in america, much more children become overweighted as they sit in front of the television all day, watching and eating,even do not move, the research shows that children's obesity rate is growing and the rate that children have heart attack,which is usually found among olders is increase as well.  
  
Besides the physical issues that the technology causes, it has mental effects on children's development as well. children become more isolated and overstimulated if they obsessed with video games or watching television fo all day. since they never get in touch with others when they playing video games and watching television. besides, children become more violent due to exposed to violence through television and video games, people are lack of self-displine and like to mimic things when they were childen. therefore, they can not distinguish them and imitate these violence,as a consequence, the rate of children crime is increasing every year. as we can see, technology has a negative influence on children's development.  
  
In sum. while technology has negative influence on children's development, it has positive influence on them as well, therefore, we need to find a way to limit these negative influence and amplify the positive influence.
P1  
  
A debate on whether ... (*The dispute as to whether the technology has positive influence on children*) is always a hot topic. *While* many ... on children, *I, however, will support* the argument ...  
  
P2  
  
"it is undeniable that ~~like~~ playing simple toys ....  
For instance, ..."  
  
*I couldn't give further correction since I fail to understand your point. you'd better group the cases in order to make it more understandable.*
Hi here are some points that i would like to recommend you  
in the first paragraph, second line( i will support) its better to say ( i support the argument)  
in the second paragraph, second line (as) write (As)  
  
overall  
i dont know randomly or intentionally end and start of each of sentences in your essays has a problem.  
you missed to write the first word in sentences in capital.  
as well length of your sentences are not good and usual its unusual i dont know why?  
another point is that you should keep in your mind to write 3-5 sentences for each paragraph.
@yooceii, your essay will not pass the test in an actual setting for a serious number of reasons. The first, is your lack of academic writing abilities. You reflect a lack of English academic writing skill as you do not follow the proper writing technique for this sort of essay. In fact, any paper that you write in English must have the first word of every sentence, and every noun thereafter, written in capital form. This is done to indicate the start of a new sentence or a new paragraph. You are not writing a tweet or instagram update here so you must follow the formal writing norms, rules, and regulations upon which you are being scored. Additionally, you need to write a uniform number of sentences within each of the 5 paragraphs. That means, you need to show the reviewer that you can coherently express yourself within 305 sentence per paragraph. Anything longer than that will result in a lower score or, in an actual time crunch setting, a failure for you to complete the essay within the given time frame. Go for short but sweet. Be informative, but not wordy. Just speak of one reason per paragraph in a clear manner in order to represent your English skills. I cannot comment on the way that you developed the discussion because you did not offer the complete and original prompt at the start, which the basic requirement for all essays posted here for review. I can review your content if you remember to post the given prompt during your next round of practice tests.
**TOPIC:- The idea of going abroad for university study is an exciting prospect for many people. But while it may offer some advantages, it probably better to stay at home because of the difficulties a student inevitably encounters living and studying in a different culture. To what extent do you agree or disagree.**  
  
## perspective of attending a school overseas

  
  
Nowadays, many students go abroad for higher studies. They consider it a lucrative opportunity due to the several benefits attached to it. However, there are a few who prefer to stick to their native country because of the unavoidable challenges in terms of varied lifestyle and culture which international students come across while studying in the foreign countries.  
  
In my opinion, pupils should be encouraged to study overseas as it enhances their overall personality. Students tend to come in contact with other individuals from different parts of the world. This leads to broadening their horizon and make them confident and competitive. These interactions help them build networks, which prove beneficial in the long run to fetch lucrative job offers. Furthermore, these courses enhance the knowledge and skills of the individuals. They get well-versed with the latest techniques and techniques and technologies. As a result, they implement their learning and best practices in their native country and significantly contribute to the growth of the nation.  
  
However, there are a few who are in favour of pursuing their higher studies in the home country. They believe international students experience a culture shock and language barrier after going abroad. They often get frustrated after observing a different lifestyle and culture of a foreign country. They develop a feeling of homesickness which further leads to depression and stress. Furthermore, due to the language gap they fail to express themselves in front of others and are often misunderstood.  
  
In a nutshell, studying abroad has both advantages and disadvantages. However, its benefit outweighs the shortcomings. Henceforth, people should be encouraged to go overseas for higher education to shape up their career and to become independent to have a better future for themselves and their country.
Hi Chinky  
  
My advise for your essay is your should state your opinion in your introduction instead of body paragraph. Defending your opinion in the body paragraphs by giving reasons and examples.  
  
This essay is about giving your opinion so you should only express what you think instead of others, otherwise the essay would be a discussion + opinion essay. So in the third paragraph you should not use "they believe...". Your conclusion may result in losing scores because you are off topic. The question prompt is"To what extent do you agree or disagree" not "does the benefits outweigh the drawbacks? what are your opinion on this?"
Chinky, your essay will get an automatic failing score. There are no ifs or buts about it. The essay does not reflect the correct prompt requirements and does not deliver an accurate prompt paraphrase either. Make a mistake with the prompt paraphrase, as you did with this one, and your essay will not be read to the end. You automatically fail in the TA section and as such, the examiner will no longer have to read the rest of your essay. The problem with your presentation is that you decided to discuss what you "think" the essay is about rather than what the essay is "all about". This is an extent essay and therefore, relies on your point of view regarding your main opinion and nothing more. This is an essay that can be completed in 4 paragraphs if represented properly. If you would like to increase your chances of passing in the IELTS test, you would do well to read the other essays that have been written on this topic previously. Just click on the Similar Discussions button and you will be shown a list of similar essays, along with the advice given for improvement. You can use those previous essays as a template and the advice given there, as a basis for how you should be writing your own essay based on the same topic.
Hi first of all here are some points that i want to have some recommendations.  
in the first paragraph, first sentence( studies) higher education.  
in the second line ( there are a few) few what???  
again in the third paragraph (a few) what??  
  
and overall  
you did not go on prompt way  
your paragraphs are not written in a good way, i mean your first paragraph is not like an introduction paragraph.  
in some points you are using wrong words for example (a few) i as a reviewer become confuse with these points
Hello,  
  
Thanks for all the valuable feedback, based on the feedback I wrote it again. Please suggest if its better and if there are any recommendations:  
  
Nowadays, many students go abroad for higher education. Although this offers students some benefits, they experience several unavoidable challenges while studying in a foreign country. Due to which, it is argued that students should continue their studies in the native country. This essay will argue both the sides, followed by my opinion.  
  
On one hand, students should be encouraged to study overseas as it enhances their overall personality. They interact with other pupils from different parts of the world. As a result, they become confident and competitive. These interactions help them build networks which benefit them in fetching lucrative job offers in the long run. Furthermore, studying abroad, especially in a developed nation enhances the knowledge and skills of the individuals. They get well-versed with the latest tools and technologies. As a result, they implement the learning and best practices in their home country. Henceforth, significantly contributing to the overall growth in the country.  
  
On the other hand, there are many difficulties which international students experience while studying abroad, making the belief strong to stay at home. Students after going to abroad tend to experience a culture shock and language barrier. They are frustrated after observing a different lifestyle and culture. They develop a feeling of homesickness which further leads to depression and mental stress. Moreover, due to the language gap, they find it difficult to express themselves in front of others. As a result, they are often misunderstood.  
  
To conclude, I completely disagree that students should stay at home. In my opinion, although there are some initial challenges like culture and language gap experienced by the students after going abroad, the advanced knowledge and specialized skills attained by them will ensure a bright future for themselves and their country. Henceforth, pupils should be encouraged to study abroad instead of staying at home.
TOEFL, independent essay  
prompt: *universities should give the same amount of money to their students sports activities as they give to their university libraries. (do you agree or disagree)give reasons and examples to support your answer.*  
  
## healthy bodies and minds

  
  
Sports activities are as important as studying in libraries. From my point of view, I agree that universities should spend the same budget for libraries and sports activities. Because students need a healthy body, ultimate use of breaks during study hours, and attractive offers to study in a university or college.  
  
Firstly, mind activities such as: studying in the classes and libraries needs healthy and relaxed mind and body. Whereas, students spend most of their time in university in classes and libraries they become tired not only ghostly, but also physically. Although they need to spend most of their time in studying, they need a place to sport and become relax to study efficiently. Students who study in universities which have good sports facilities study more efficient than others. So, sports activities are as important as libraries.  
  
In addition, studying for a long time is boring. If students in universities spend most of their time in classes and libraries they become tired, so, they need a break during their study hours. If universities provide good sports facilities in university campus, students can sport during breaks and become relaxed. For example, the university which I studied my bachelor degree had a separate part in the university campus for sport. I have used that opportunity during breaks to make my body stronger, now I have a healthy body because of sports activities during my bachelor degree. Therefore, sports activities have the same importance as studying in library and library.  
  
Moreover, spending money on sports activities is a good way to attract more students in the universities. A facilitated library and sports facilities is not only important for students who are studying in a university, but also for students who will attend university in the future. If universities pay the same amount of money for sports activity as library, the university will attract more students to study in. Investing on sports activities and providing modern sports facilities will attract more students.  
  
All in one, according to aforementioned reasons and examples, I am in agreement for this statement because spending the same amount of money on sports activities as libraries is helpful for the universities in different ways and manners. Because students will have healthy bodies and minds, use the breaks in the best possible way and interest in the universities.