dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the pie charts report

  
  
The charts below show the average percentages in typical meals of three types of nutrients, all of which may be unhealthy if eaten too much.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
Answer:  
  
The pie charts illustrate the percentage of three nutrient types: sodium, saturated fat and added sugar, which may be unhealthy if consumed excess certain proportion, in four main meals. The data is collected from the USA.  
  
It is noticeable that sodium and saturated fat are mostly contained in dinner meals, while snacks have the highest percentage of added sugar compared to other meals. Breakfasts seem to be more healthy since their percentage of all three nutrients are at the lowest levels.  
  
Compared to other meals, breakfast meals contain the lowest percentage of sodium, saturated fat and added sugar with 14%, 16% and 16% respectively. Sodium and saturated fat have comparatively large proportions in lunch meals with 29% and 26% respectively, while its added sugar level is lower just at 19%.  
  
In the USA, eating dinner may be unhealthy because dinner meals contain a high percentage of all three types of nutrients. Specifically, in comparison with other meals, the percentage of sodium and saturated fat are at the highest level with 43% and 37% respectively. Although the added sugar proportion is not the highest among the typical meals, 23% added sugar is consumed by eating dinner. Finally, while snacks contain insignificant percentages of sodium and saturated fat with just 14% and 12%, added sugar is mostly consumed, up to 42%, when people eat this type of meal.  
  
(Words: 226)  
  
*
You ended up writing too many words for the Task 1 essay. y students are taught to use the 3 paragraph version of the task to save on time and allow for proper formatting and comprehensive data presentation. Other teachers prefer the 4 paragraph method which I find focuses only on word count and not content clarity presentation. If you prefer the 4 paragraph style, you should seek advise from teacher who use that style instead.  
  
You should comprehensively deliver a summary overview within 5 sentences, not 2 incomplete paragraphs. Using my method, the student will indicate the following, without writing too many words:  
  
- The topic  
- The source  
- The type of data used (outline the 4 meals as only 3 are main meals and the other meal is indicated as a snack)  
- The measurement used  
- The trending information  
  
Present the comprehensive information so that you will be able to achieve a complete summary overview that meets the minimum 3, maximum 5 sentence presentation. It creates a thorough run-down of the succeeding discussion topics and information that can help the reader imagine the information as you deliver it in complete discussion presentations, within 2 paragraphs.  
  
Always use the 3 sentence presentation so that you do not create constant run - on sentences as you do in this essay. Also, try to use other similar words to respectively. You will not help you LR score by constantly using the same reference point in your presentations. You could use terms like in combination, commonly, or conjointly. Regardless of how you present the information, make sure to avoid reference repetition.  
  
Since you already indicated that the source material is from the USA in the summary, you do not need to repeat it in the later paragraphs. Since this is not an opinion essay, you do not need to use the term "finally" in the presentation. There is no need to represent a concluding statement in a task 1 essay.  
  
The heaviest problem of your presentation is really the paragraph formatting and run-on sentences. Those are forcing you to write more than the necessary 175-190 words. This writing format will make it difficult for you to meet all of the required writing elements within the 20 minute writing time.
Hello everyone, here is my writing essay task 2 from Cambridge 8, would you mind reviewing it for me to improve my skill. Thank you so much!  
  
## WRITING TASK 2 on growing traffic and pollution problems

  
  
**Topic: Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
What other measures do you think might be effective?**  
  
Essay:  
A rising of fuel costs to reduce the number of transportations and environmental pollution has been subjected to lots of debate over the years. Personally, I disagree with this solution and to a certain extent, I believe that there are some other effective remedies to deal with this issues.  
  
It has no doubt that petrol plays a vital role in the international industry since it is the most widely used of energy in the world. This energy has been applied to all essential fields in our life such as powering for transportations or electricity for homes and buildings as well. For example, due to Covid 19 pandemic, fuel price reveals some adjustments to control the global economy. For this reason, if lifting the fuel costs over the standard in comparison with that of the world, negative impacts will drastically occur.  
  
However, there are not without acceptable solutions to tackle the mentioned issues. Firstly, the government should encourage citizens to use public transportations using renewable energy instead of private cars or motorbikes which are the main causes of traffic growing leading to air pollution. Secondly, by absolutely utilize sustainable energy like solar power, wind power to run vehicles or factories, the government will significantly reduce the emission of harmful gas which contributes to environmental degradation.  
  
In conclusion, it is not a feasible way to increase the petrol price for the reduction of traffic congestions and air pollutions. Besides, renewable energy will be the best substitution to solve this recent problems.
@Holt  
This is my corrected essay following your suggestions. Would you mind taking your time to have a look? Thank you so much.  
  
... to lots of debate nowadays. Personally, I totally disagree with this solution and I believe that there are some proper remedies to ...  
  
... that of the world, detrimental impacts on national economy will drastically occur. Moreover, an increasing of petrol prices is likely to limit people's freedom to travel. As a result, people can not reduce stress after work, leading to negative thought such as suicide, which unintentionally creat a new burden to the country.  
  
... the mentioned issues above. ... encourage citizens to take public transportations ... causes of traffic growing. In fact, the improvement of various means of transport like buses or trains will limit the number of vehicles on the road, result in the reduction of traffic jams and accidents. ... will significantly restrict the emission of ... For example, according to Nature Network, most scientists agree that solar installation produces avarage of 30 times less carbon dioxide than coal power.  
  
In conclusion, ...
I think maybe you can also rephrase your sentences a little bit so that readers can focus on your points quickly.  
I would change some of your sentence structure from S+V to Ving+V or It has been...  
  
**A rising of fuel costs to reduce ...**  
  
It has been frequently discussed that a rising of fuel costs can have a positive impact on reducing the problems of traffic congestion and environmental pollution.  
  
Reducing traffic congestion and the following problems such as pollution can be perfectly solved by simply raising the fuel costs.
## The workaholism phenomenon

  
  
People nowadays become more and more workaholic by spending more time at workplace than at home. This phenomenon can be explained by both subjective and objective reasons. From my point of view, it brings about not only benefits but also several drawbacks to the cooperation s and workers.  
  
First of all, people are hardworking to follow their high passion. It can be said that lots of people choose their dream jobs so that they can utterly devote themselves to their career. For example, a professional designer is definitely willing to focus on their work day by day in order to create a perfect product. Secondly, in a company which is highly competitive, each members are required to work for extra hours. As a result, they can show their attitude and ability to their leaders and have a probability of getting promoted.  
  
From my perspective, it is beneficial to work in long hours. Working overtime is a great way to get chances for moving to higher position and build up financial situation. When working outside of office hours, obviously more tasks can be done. Labour productivity thus increases which contributes significantly to the development of the business.  
  
On the other hand, there are also some disadvantages of this trend. Firstly, too much work can result in stress and poor health. Particularly, spending more time on working means to reduce time of resting. Consequently they do not get enough sleep, causing high risk for chronic conditions like diabetes or heart disease. In addition, workaholics may neglect their family and friends. They do not have moments to share daily matters with others or even just hang out and have a cup of coffee. If the situation continues for a long time, life will become uninspiring.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that working for extra hours is a worthy choice but also leads to lots of harmful issues. It is important to achieve a balance between work and leisure activities.
i have rewrite it in my ways  
  
... It is said that lots of people... designer is ~~definitely~~ willing to focus on their workday by day  ~~in order~~ to create ... Secondly, in a highly competitive company, each member~~s are~~ is required to ...  
  
... thus increases, which ...  
  
... more time ~~on~~ working means ... .., causing a high risk for ... Also, workaholics may neglect ... or even ~~just~~ hang out and ...  
  
... leads to lots of serious issues. It is essential to achieve ...
You have to learn to focus on the questions being asked in the essay. That is, directly respond to:  
- Why is it?  
- Is it a positive or a negative?  
  
Do not give vague responses to the questions in the paraphrase. Instead, give on definite reason for the why question and another solid opinion for the positive or negative. You should pick only one side to discuss for that part of the response paragraphs. Either you see it as a positive or a negative. You cannot see it as both as you are going to be given scoring consideration for the clarity of your opinion which, when you say there are both positives and negatives to a discussion, indicates that you do not have an opinion to actually support. You are not given a "maybe" option in the discussion, so you have to pick between the two sides presented only. Pick one to support. The side that you know you can clearly explain your support for in the second reasoning paragraph.  
  
Your first reasoning paragraph, in relation to the why, would have been better presented if you had not presented an under represented second discussion topic in the paragraph. You completely developed the first 3 sentences with the first example. All you had to do, was add 2 more sentences to help support your first reason. The second reason that you presented, had no chance of properly being developed because it was lacking in supporting sentence references. That is the main reason why you should present only one reason per paragraph, unless otherwise specified.  
  
Like I previously indicated, your perspective discussion is not being presented in the expected format. This is only a 4 paragraph essay. It was never meant to be a 5 paragraph presentation as this is not a comparative discussion essay. It is only a single opinion presentation. If you outline the discussion points, you will see that you need only 4 paragraphs because:  
  
Par. 1: Paraphrase + direct response  
Par. 2: Why paragraph  
Par. 3: Positive or negative discussion  
Par. 4: Concluding paraphrase  
  
Your essay was never concluded. You only presented additional discussion points in the end, which created an open ended essay. There was no clear conclusion representing the restatement of:  
  
- The topic  
- The why  
- The personal opinion  
- A closing sentence
*Hello guys. I'm currently working on ielts preparation, especially i'm focusing on task 2. However, I'm facing some difficulties in trying to well organize my essays. I will post an example of an essay I have recently wrote, in order to understand how can I improve my writing. Thank you very much.*  
  
## helping kids to learn and understand the world

  
  
**Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters (such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matter that affect them.**  
  
Education of children has always been a crucial topic. Some people argue that it is important to concede them a certain independence regarding choices about their lives, contrastingly others believe that if those were free to satisfy all their own decisions this would dramatically affect their behaviour as adults, resulting in a society characterized by individuals poor of values. I genially belive that children have to follow certain indications rather than act completely free in order to make the right decisions.  
  
Children need a guide during the first years of their childhood, likewise, a ship needs a lighthouse to point the right direction in a storm, someone who can drive them to the adolescence, without leaving to themselves the burden of growing alone. Without any experiences, a little child is obviously not able to discriminate between what can be positive or negative for him and will be unconsciously attracted mostly by what he believes to be good. Furthermore, it has been proved that youngsters left alone, able to choose how to dress, what to eat without a clear reference, are most likely to develop a less-social behaviour along with remarkable cognitive problems. This is what emerged from a recent report, extracted from a paper published in 2018, in Nature Health.  
  
On the other hand, many outlined that children need a certain independence. It's only by making their own decisions that those can develop a strong personality and a critical attitude, which will help them to survive once adults. However, although it has been demonstrated that children learn by themselves what they prefer or what they don't, this does not imply that they are able to always embrace a good choice. For instance, children often prefer to eat non-healthy food like chocolates or candies rather than vegetables or fruits thus potentially developing health problems.  
  
In conclusion, I firmly believe that children need an external support that can help them to learn and understand how the world behaves, in order to avoid making wrong decisions that potentially could lead to serious drawbacks.
I can see where your problem is coming from. You are writing way too many words for the Task 2 essay. You cannot write 340 words within 40 minutes using the pencil test. You might be able to type that many words in the CBT, but you should not be doing that just the same. You have to limit yourself to 275-290 words. That is the word range that allows you to clearly present your discussion or opinion to the examiner. That is achieved through a proper brainstorming and drafting of your written presentation.  
  
Break down the original prompt so that you can figure out the required elements of the discussion. A typical outline would be:  
- Discussion topic  
- Reason / Points of view  
- Discussion instruction  
  
You have to spend at least 10 minutes on your brainstorming task. For this essay the brainstorm would have been outlined as:  
  
Topic: Children should be allowed to make their own choices  
Point of view 1: results in self centered children  
Point of view 2: children need to learn to make decisions about matters that affect them  
Personal point of view: children have to follow certain indications rather than act completely free in order to make the right decisions.  
  
As you can see, when you take the time to analyze the discussion and pluck out the important discussion points, the essay practically writes itself. The elements of each paragraph presentation becomes clear within the outline, all you have to do is outline it then expand on the discussion. The discussion, based on the public opinion and personal point of view should be no more than 3-5 sentences.  
  
Avoid any and all references to published information. Not only will that make your work longer, but you will also not be following the standard discussion instruction for the task 2 essay which is to use public knowledge and personal opinions or experiences only. The idea it to show that you have the ability to use only limited knowledge in an effective manner. You do not have to write a long essay, you just need to write a coherent essay that follows the discussion instructions. By outlining and brainstorming your content before you write, you can achieve a better essay presentation which is cohesive, coherent, and well within the advised word count.
## **The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part-time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993.**

  
  
The line graphs compare the percentages of males and females of different ages working full and part-time in Australia in 1973 and 1993. In general, the highest percentage of full-time employment was recorded among men in 1973, while females were busier in this type of employment in 1993. As for part-timers, this sector was more pronounced in 1993 for both genders and teenagers.  
  
To begin with, around 80% to 90% of men between 25 and 59 were occupying stable jobs in 1973, but this figure was lower by 10% in 1993. Females, in contrast, peaked at 55% at around 20 years old, then went through a 15%-20% dip before peaking again in their forties. Besides, after the first peak, the graph shows more working women in 1993 by one-tenth.  
  
While full-time employment of the youngest generation was the lowest, it was booming among underemployed, especially in 1993. The trend of males was the opposite to that of full-timers, with the peak of 22% and 8% for 1993 and 1973 among teenagers, respectively. Women, however, experienced two high points of a third of the part-time working population in their adolescence and thirties in 1993. Finally, in 1973, only a fifth of females aged 29 to 40 had flexible hours.  
  
*
## SELF-EMPLOYMENT IELTS TASK 2

  
  
**Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?**  
  
*Write at least 250 words.*  
**ANSWER**  
Recent changes in the nature of work itself have accompanied significant adjustments that are made by a number of people to their working life. Indeed, there has been a growing tendency these days to work independently instead of applying for corporations. The following piece of writing is going to present an in-depth analysis into this phenomenon, along with potential drawbacks of self-employment.  
  
In the first place, being self-employed affords people more flexibility and latitude. Unlike companies or organizations, where employees are expected to adhere to the general disciplines, and are subject to penalties for any infringements, home-workers are not bound by rigid schedules or rules. By this way, they can start their working day at any given hours, or refresh themselves whenever they feel stressed or uninspired. Additionally, as they hold the absolute control over their workload, they are capable of shouldering multiple tasks at once, which considerably increases the incomes. Home freelancers are a perfect illustration of this point, when a multitude of them can earn a stable livelihood by flexibly assuming various positions like translators, designers, photographers, to name but a few.  
  
Nevertheless, despite prominent upsides, a self-employed person is likely to confront certain challenges that can hinder their progress and productivity. A lack of discipline may emerge as the first hurdle that they need to overcome. Without awareness and order, they run the risk of inertia, which can result in disruptions in production and a fall in the quality of the products. Stress and negative thinking are another possible drawback of working independently when the workload becomes overwhelming or customers' feedbacks express frustration and discontentment. Last but not least, due to the volatile nature of job market, there is a substantial likelihood that many independent workers will suffer from unemployment, which can lead to financial difficulties.  
  
In conclusion, more freedom, flexibility and opportunities to chase ambitions are three plus points that attract a rising proportion of people to self-employment. In the meantime, it is imperative that they should acknowledge ever-present obstacles of this type of profession.  
  
*This is the second essay that I have written here on this website. I would be grateful if you can give me a score.*
You should have directly responded to the 2 questions in the prompt paraphrase. You were being asked to clearly outline your discussion points by responding to the questions directly. You should have done that to show that you understood the instructions and that you had valid responses for each question. Your discussion paragraphs contain way too many word fillers at the start. Avoid using empty words that just try to impress the examiner with your vocabulary. He will be more impressed with the vocabulary that you use to clearly state your topic sentence and highlight your explanations within the paragraph. The presentation has several under developed discussion topics per paragraph as you only present the topic, but do not bother to actually expand on the explanations. You have to learn to focus on developing 2 related reasons per paragraph if you want to fully utilize the 5 sentence maximum count. Your reasoning is not effective because you only present discussion topics, without related explanation and reasoning development.  
  
I do not believe that this essay will be worthy of a passing score. You are focused on length instead of coherence and clarity of paragraphs. That is why your essay failed. That is why you cannot get a passing score. The majority of your problems are in the clarity and coherence bracket. Like I said, you sacrificed those 2 scoring considerations for word count. I will not give this essay a score because it will be useless to do so.