dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
I am not sure what kind of review you want for this paragraph. All I can tell is that it has a tendency to be redundant as you use the term "The role of Eco-tourism in society is educating / educated..." Don't use the same sentence structure successively in your presentation as this tends to confuse the reader who may think that you have accidentally repeated yourself in the essay. I am not sure what the colon indicated phrases mean either. I wish you had given us an explanation of what you are trying to do before you left the essay for review. It is impossible to review the rest of your essay because you did not give us the prompt parameters for our assistance. I think you should be presenting the SP and SD sections in an outline format so that it will be easier for the reader to keep track of your discussion outline in relation to your actual paragraph discussion. As a thesis statement, this presentation is not effective at all. You need to develop your thesis statement presentation skills in order come up with a more interesting discussion presentation for your essay.
**Some people believe that studying in a college or university is the best place for students to prepare their future career. But others think they should leave school as soon as possible to develop their carrier though work experience  
  
Discuss both the views and give your opinion.**  
  
## the value of education

  
  
In today's world knowledge is light and most of the parents consider varsities are the premier source of learning for their children's future profession while others prefer that one should start his job immediately after primary-school education. In my opinion, starting work at early age would definitely give more practical experience; however, higher study at university not only develops good understanding of concepts but also form a network of contacts to get a job.  
  
Theoretical concepts are just building blocks. Practical hands-on skills are the most important attributes against which any professional is judged. Therefore, few people encourage their child to begin his career after school, so that he could get more preference over others on the basis of work experience. Moreover, this would also save significant amount of money that could have been incurred in tuition fees.  
  
Universities are the temple of learning. Their sole objective is to provide in depth knowledge. A user can make best use of a machine or device if he knows detailed capabilities of it. Thus, it is essential to learn theory before jumping into practicals. Furthermore, higher educational institutions assists their students to establish professional network of references to fetch a good job. Therefore, most of the individuals graduated from colleges wok in fortune 500 companies.  
  
In my opinion, pursuing a professional course at university is far more advantageous because it nourishes students with such skills which are very hard to compete. Certainly, a common experienced worker with limited view would never able to stand against it  
  
In conclusion, although work experience carry more weight but without any standard knowledge it is just a number and does not add any value to individual's profession. Hence, parents should always strive to get their children higher education at professional institutes.
Vipy, your total approach to the essay is wrong. There is no clear paraphrasing and the discussion that you provided in the body paragraphs do not discuss each point of view and then your personal opinion. The presentation you made shows that you decided to discuss the topic based upon your personal choices for discussion rather than discussing it in the required outline. The proper outline for your essay is as follows:  
  
*When it comes to the preparation of students for their careers, their parents believe in 2 different things. There are a set of parents who believe that their children should attend college or university in order to properly train themselves for their upcoming professions. Other parents believe that it would be best for their children to go to work as soon as they can because practical experience is important to their work qualifications. This essay will discuss both points of views after which I shall present my personal opinion regarding the discussion.  
  
In regards to the first point of view about the need for a college education...  
  
Now, as far as the practical learning aspect is concerned...  
  
In my opinion...  
  
In the end...*  
  
The above is an example of the proper and full format for this sort of discussion. Remember, all of your paragraphs must have at least 3 sentences in them, maximum of 5 in order to meet the highest possible C&C score. Please use this as your reference next time you come across a similar discussion instruction.
Question: **Do you agree or disagree that young people should with the ability of planning or organization?**  
  
Please help me to revise and get better! Thank you very very much!  
  
## every choice has power to change

  
  
We should make millions of decision or even more during everyone's whole life. When we face to these dilemmas about our friends. jobs, marriage or family, every choice has power to change everything. So it is extremely important when we have to make choices. In the other hand, the ability to plan or organize our own life is inevitable.  
  
First of all, as an mature adult, we must take the responsibility to ourselves. In other words, we should take all the advantages and weakness contained in one decision, and accept the consequence eventually, no matter what the decision is. So it is quite huge to investigate all the possibilities before deciding. For example, many people have to choose one subject as their major in university. Which one to choose depends on one's interests, salary after graduation, or even expectation from others. There are too much options need to be taken into consideration. At the same time, the importance of the ability to plan and organize emerges. Without plan and organize, people are not able to consider carefully. If we make decision in a reckless situation, we will be regretful and take the consequence which we do not really desire.  
  
Second, when people get a job and become a member of society, they will realize that one's job can be such influential. Every enormous and significant undertaking may change the whole country, for they are pretty complex. For example, a government is going to construct a brand new policy, it may involve into a huge amounts of pros and cons. Through completely and fairly discussions and considerations, the policy start to work on society. Every young man can be the one who change the world in the future, isn't it important to learn to plan and organize? Generally, the 30s to 40s generation is the main character to lead the society, as a member who has the power to push our country, the ability to plan and organize is indispensable.  
  
In a nutshell, we have to make choice in every second we alive. the ability to plan and organize is the essential trait to be a responsible person who also can make the best decision no matter for himself or the whole society. That is why this ability can not be disposed by everyone of us.
Hi, I think your writing is pretty good, but this essay does not address the prompt correctly. The prompt is about teaching children how to plan and organize. Your essay mainly talks about the importance of making intelligent decisions and you have not really connected this to planning and organizing. But most importantly, you mainly talk about adults - you even mention the 30-40 year old generation. But this essay is supposed to be about teaching planning skills to children So your essay should mainly be about teaching children. Here are some specific comments and suggestions:  
  
We must make millions of decisions or even more during our whole life.  
  
When we face ~~to~~ these dilemmas  
  
every choice has the power  
  
On the other hand, the ability to plan ... {this introduction started off strong. For TOEFL a good intro outline is  
  
Sentence 1 - state that the topic is important  
Sentence 2 - state why it is important  
Sentence 3 - restate the question  
Sentence 4 - give your answer, your opinion - this is the thesis  
  
You have done the first two well, but you are missing the third and your thesis is not clear.  
  
First of all, as ~~an~~ mature adults, we {since you used "we", this should be plural to match }  
  
take the responsibility for ourselves.  
  
it is quite a huge task to investigate  
  
so many options needed to be taken into consideration.  
  
one's job can be so influential.  
  
policy; it may involve ~~into~~ a huge number of pros and cons.  
  
Through complete and fair discussions  
  
Every young man {what about women?} can be the one who changes the world  
  
we have to make choices in every second we are alive.
Chiu, please make it a point to post the complete original prompt as it was given to you by your instructor next time as there are some variations that are sometimes applied to the instruction line. Having said that, I will assume that the discussion is all about whether you agree or disagree that it is crucial for young people to have the ability to organize and plan. Did I guess right? Is that the actual prompt you were responding to? If so, then my opinion of your work will be based on that instruction line.  
  
You will get a score of 1 with this essay mostly because you did not discuss the correct prompt in the essay. The correct prompt is:  
  
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Because modern life is very complex, it is essential for young people to have the ability to plan and organize.*  
  
Therefore, your opening paraphrase is incorrect as it openly discussed a topic that is not related to the original requirement which should have been:  
  
*Due to the complexities of life, it has become important that young adults develop the ability to plan and organize their lives. I agree with this statement and will explain why in the following paragraphs.*  
  
Your vocabulary is faulty because you use certain terms such as "mature adult" when the correct term is "young adult" or "adolescent, juvenile, youngster" to name few variations on the term which would have applied better throughout the essay. You basically have a strong argument in the essay that supports your claim. It is just that your wording in some instances is mostly off. Good work though. I know you can still improve in the future.
Question: **In recent years, it has become harder for new graduates to find employment, and many young people struggle to join the workforce. Why do you think this situation has occurred? What can you suggest to solve this problem?**  
  
Please help me revise to a better version!!! Thanks  
  
## work possibilities after studying

  
  
The problem of new graduates struggling to look for employment has been on the increase as of late in society. This is simply due to the following reasons. First of all, there are more tertiary institutions causing more graduates, but with only few vacancies in the workforce resulting from the global recession. Secondly, graduates with a higher degree and the time they consume lead to a high expectation, sometimes unrealistic in the job position as well as the salary. Above all, young people live in a more competitive world but want a decent job without any practical working experience.  
  
While it can't be denied that this problem will not disappear soon, there are some ways to help out. In my view, the school should open a career guidance and counseling team to identify which employment opportunities are growing and to consider training in those specific areas, therefore, students can obtain more job information and gain fundamental knowledge before entering the society. In addition, graduates may need to reduce their expectations and to accept working from the bottom in order to achieve their position gradually.
Chuyunana. your essay is going to fail in an actual test setting for one reason alone, you did not develop it in the proper, accurate, and expected format. The standard format for these essays are 4-5 paragraphs with 5 sentences per paragraph covering the following presentations:  
  
1. Opening paraphrase and thesis statement  
2. Reason 1 with supporting facts  
3. Reason 2 with evidence to prove the point  
4. Personal opinion(if required)  
5. Concluding statement with a summary of the discussion points  
  
The minimum paragraph requirement that you can get a decent enough score on based on all 4 requirements will be a 4 paragraph presentation. With your presentation, which is 2 paragraphs that combines the elements I mentioned above, you will get a failing score due to an inappropriate TA presentation, lack of proper paragraph development, and improper formatting. This is not a passing score type of presentation.
## working in own community volountarily

  
  
There is much controversy about whether high school students should be forced to do unpaid community service. I think that taking part in community service can bring positive effects to the youngsters, but it should not be a compulsory program in school education.  
  
There are two advantages for students to work for their own community. The main benefit is that it helps high school students to establish a sense of community. Community service, such as working for local charities, cleaning the neighborhood environment or companying the elderly, provides pupils a chance to connect with their neighbors and have a better understanding of their hometown. Another positive impact is that students can acquire practical experience and learn how to communicate with other people. Compared to the traditional curriculum, community service can help students to develop social skills, teamwork ability. These are all crucial factors for the youngsters to lead a better future life.  
  
In spite of the above arguments, I believe that schools should not enforce students to take part in unpaid community service. Firstly, community service would shorten pupils' private time. Nowadays, students have to spend a long period of time at school and have a large amount of homework to do after school. The compulsory community service would not only shorten their time to finish homework assignments but also increase their pressure. Secondly, it is unfair for high school students to serve the community without salary. All of the local residents should take the responsibility to make the community better. If they decide to hire the students to serve the community, community councils or organizations should pay the appropriate salary for students.  
  
In conclusion, although there are some advantages for students to serve the community, I disagree with the idea of compelling high school students to do unpaid community service.
Irene, I am sorry but your approach to the opening statement is not the proper one for this type of essay prompt. The opening statement should sound more similar to the original prompt when you restate it. Therefore, the thesis statement you present at the end, should be made in a similar manner to the prompt discussion instruction. It would have been better if you said:  
  
*At the moment, unpaid community service is not yet a compulsory high school program. Some educators believe that it should be turned into a regular part of the curriculum. I disagree with this suggestion for a number of reasons.*  
  
Remember, you are trying to explain what the original prompt topic is all about. Your presentation deviated in a manner from the original prompt which made you create your prompt requirement. This would result in a failed overall score for the essay.  
  
This is not an advantage and disadvantage essay. That is where you made a mistake in your understanding. This is a single opinion essay that relies on your opinion and supporting body paragraph presentations in convincing the reader. Make sure you understand what the prompt discussion requirements are before you start outlining the essay.  
  
By the way, you need to make sure that you do not go over the 5 sentence maximum requirement per paragraph. Practice saying more with less sentences. That is the best way to score high in the C&C section.
Question: **International tourism has become cheaper and more countries are opening their doors to welcome more tourist. What are the benefits and the drawbacks?**  
-------------------------  
## The advantages and disadvantages of tourism industry

  
  
Today, tourism industry has become cheaper and trigger several countries to open their region for more tourism journeys. This issue possibly contains merits and demerits toward the country itself, which those will be elaborated more by this essay.  
  
Currently, majority of countries have computed certain sector, particularly tourism industry, which contributes significantly to national income. Moreover, a number of developed countries are prioritizing this industry as the core of their economy. It is happened because this industry can elevate public income by several ways. For example, it could potentially boost productivity of local handicrafts and resorts which are provided by local community. Therefore, they would possibly earn more income and enhance job opportunity directly, then these will contribute to national income indirectly.  
  
Turning to the drawbacks, the development of tourism industry sometimes causes negative impact, such as related to property ownership domination and local identity aspect. Firstly, this industry could perhaps become a threat to local citizen, if the industry is uncontrollable by enhancement of comers investment. Today, certain region well-known as tour place have been dominated by foreigner investment, such as coast area with its beautiful beach, highland area with its enjoyable landscape, or even farming field which is converted as an interesting resort. Thus, the property ownership will change over from local citizen to the investor. Secondly, this industry might possibly make the local identity worse. For example, traditional dance which just become an entertainment will reduce the sense correlated with its local wisdom.  
  
Based on elaboration above, the development of tourism industry which become cheaper today should be considered comprehensively to gain more benefits and reducing the drawbacks.
Ahmad, your opening paraphrase does not qualify as a complete paragraph. You rushed the presentation of the discussion topic and instructions. In order to gain a proper TA score, you must make sure that you are within the present parameters for the opening statement. Those parameters are:  
  
1. An accurate restating of the discussion topic  
2. An accurate explanation of what the discussion requirements of the essay prompt is / are.  
  
Therefore, the correct paraphrase for your essay is:  
*As international tourism becomes more affordable, countries across the globe are welcoming international tourists. While there are benefits to be had due to this increase in international tourism, there are still some drawbacks presented. This essay will make a representative discussion of the benefits and drawbacks of international tourism.*  
  
While your discussion is acceptable, you neglected to properly close the essay as your concluding statement had additional information for the reader. A proper concluding sentence simply summarizes the previous discussion, without any additional information presented. This is a standard essay writing rule because the concluding paragraph does not offer the opportunity to build up the essay discussion any further.
**Some people say that computers have made life easier and more convenient. Other people say that computers have made life more complex and stressful.  
What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer**  
  
Nowadays there is almost no home without any computer, tablet or laptop and they become essential things in our everyday life. Computers are one of the most spread devices in the world and their usage is increasingly high. Although they have some disadvantages, my opinion is that computers make people's life easier and more convenient.  
  
Firstly, computers now are using in every sphere in our life starting from agriculture to robots. This device has been modernized in the last decades, which brings many benefits to people and make their work easier. For example, the newest automobiles has a computer in their car systems, which told the driver if there is a problem and exactly where it is located or when the car is running out of oil. This save many time for busy people and they don't have to worry if something is not right and they don't know about it.  
  
Secondly, computers now are one of the best source of the information almost about everything. They can be very useful in different situations. For instance when you are travelling, when you want to enrich your knowledges about specific topic or even when you forget some ingredient in your recipe. Computers can be very practical and easy for usage but we must be very careful with them because sometimes they can give us wrong information and we will need to face the consequences.  
  
Thirdly, in present days computers and technologies are making communication much easier and accessible than before. You don't need to wait for days your message to be received because now you can chat and speak with your friends who are in the different areas of the world at any time. By using computer with only one click you can even make an appointment with your doctor or to buy a plane ticket. Now we can contact with almost everybody we want which save time and it's more convenient for busy people.  
  
All in all, today computers occupy a significant role in our life. They remain in the bottom of the many developing spheres. Computers can provide us with the information that we need and they make searching and communicating easily accessible for everyone.  
  
Thank you for the help i really appreciate it :)
@plamchiiii  
I just concern on few parts.  
  
Firstly, your introduction haven't covered the task instruction needing paraphrase the question on both views way. You could access more example by online. In the opening intro, there is no subject, (nowadays there is almost.....) It should be (nowadays, there is ....). "Nowadays" is adverb, couldn't be subject, so add comma.. Moreover there are other grammatical error, I'm sure you could reduce it, check it again before you post. At least you could make sure the SV agreement.  
  
Secondly, your idea in the second body, is computer as the source or device? It is different, source and device.  
  
Practice more, read more.
Plamena, this being an IELTS essay, you are not allowed to present your opinion or present any opinion within the opening statement. You are only to present the discussion instruction as your thesis statement at the end. In fact, even your discussion paraphrase is in error because it offers information not included in the original topic description. Therefore, your statement presentation should have been:  
  
*The advent of computers has led some people to surmise that life has become simpler and more efficient. However, there are those who believe that the same technology has created a life of difficulty. In this essay, I will provide my own point of view regarding this matter and illustrate the discussion with relevant reasons and justifications.  
  
My belief is that computers have made our lives easier because...*  
  
Using the above example, you can see the accuracy of the paraphrase along with the effective transition into your opinion, immediately followed by your justification. I don't really recommend that you use the numerical option for the transitions to the next paragraph. It would be better if you used actual simple or complex sentences to transition from the end of one paragraph to the beginning of the next because it allows for a better GRA scoring consideration.