dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Young gameaholics

  
  
Hey guys. I would love to to get some feedback from my ielts writing task 2. Feel free to put forward any suggestions, thank you!!  
  
Many people today are worried about young children playing video games. What problems might these games cause, for children and society as a whole? How could these problems be reduced?  
  
Video games appear to be entertaining, pleasurable and beneficial to young children in so many ways. However, their fatal attractions also pose a major threat to children's health and wellbeing as they push boundaries and get more and more involved in numerous video games.  
  
There is strong evidence to suggest that gameaholics who spend a large amount of time in front of a screen easily have health problems. Without control, that indulging in games for a long period of time might hinder them from (make them neglect) outdoor as well as healthy activities and even worse skipping meals or simply selecting fast food and junk food rather than eating a balanced diet, which increases the possibility of suffering from serious diseases such as malnutrition, myopia, skin disorders, inducing repetitive strain injuries, depression, fatigue and even death.  
  
To handle this problem, the proposal that parents should set the screen time limits for their children is put forward. According to this opinion, gamers are supposed to take regular breaks, for instance, a short fifteen minutes rest every 45 minutes of gameplay. Furthermore, placing game technologies in shared family space instead of their own private room also help parents keep an eye on their daughters and sons with awareness. These methods so effectively would give children more relaxation time to eat in moderation and to be likely to consider a healthy relationship outside with friends, staying away from interactive, immersive video games.  
  
To sum up, there is no doubt that young children might be able to suffer from having multiple medical decisions when getting exposed to video games more often than they are aware of. Nevertheless, a possible solution could be restricting their playing time.
@suruku  
Hi there!  
  
First and foremost, try to optimize the space you have in your essay through omitting lines that are quite unnecessary to the depth of your content. What this means is that when you have synonymous or/and meaningless words crammed in between your sentences (that do not contribute to the structure), opt to remove them.  
  
Furthermore, I recommend that you try to be consistent when it comes to usage of various forms for your essay. I have noticed that your content often has oddly-constructed structures. When writing academically, making sure that you have a consistent flow is crucial because you want your text to be as formal as possible.  
  
Eliminate synonymous/repetitive words because there's no use in having these around.  
  
**Having said that, let's revise a few parts of your essay.**  
  
Video games are entertaining, pleasurable, and beneficial for young people in numerous ways. However, they also pose a threat to children's health. This essay will discuss this perspective.  
  
Notice how you can basically omit the lines *as they push boundaries and get more and more involved in games* because these are *mere repetitions* that do not really add depth to your content.  
  
**In addition to this, notice also how I will revise these lines:**  
  
**There are evidences suggesting that individuals who spend large amounts of time in front of the screen have health concerns.** Indulging in games for prolonged periods of time hinder them from participating in outdoor activities and can result to engaging in unhealthy eating habits. This increases possibility of accumulating diseases like malnutrition, myopia, skin disorders, strain injuries, depression, fatigue, and plausible death.  
  
[...]  
  
Try to always create concise content over hefty sentences that drag on. Keep these in mind as you are writing at all times.  
  
*Best of luck!*
## forest areas in different continents

  
  
The table provides the information about forested land in six continents over the world throughout a 15-year period. Overall, Europe owned the largest forest area whereas Oceania owned a far less forested land.  
  
Looking at the table with more detail, Europe consistently expanded their forest area over the period with 989 million hectares and rose to 1001 million hectares in 1990 and 2005, respectively. By contrast, Oceania was the last ranked continent with 199 million hectares of forest area in 1990 and remained nearly stable in 2005 with 197 million hectares, which was merely one tenth as Europe in 2005.  
  
As is shown in the table, South America owned 946 million hectares of forested land, helping them became the second largest. In the next ten years, the figure plummetted to 904 million and continued to dropped over the period but still maintained its rank. The other continents presented a downward trend continuously throughout the years except for Asia and Africa which slightly fluctuated.  
  
In conclusion, Europe is the only continent showed an upward trend as well as maintained having the largest forest area throughout the period. In contrast, Oceania remained the continent with smallest forested land.  
  
Please help me mark my essay. Thank you!  
  
*
@ltdung0612  
  
Hi there!  
  
I have a couple of notes for you to ponder on.  
  
In terms of content, I recommend creating more concise sentences through omitting portions that are unnecessary in developing your thoughts. In addition to this, evade spreading your arguments/analysis to thin (wherein you keep writing a sentence despite repetitive mentions of a specific concept - or despite the fact that you could have added a different approach to building your perspective).  
  
In order to avoid being confusing in curating your analysis, also try to evade using sentences that are quite baffling.  
  
When you have alternative words that can relay the same information but in a more specific/technical manner, always opt to use them.  
  
Be cautious of your preposition, punctuation, and *(the consistency of)* the forms of the verbs.  
  
**Having said that, let's revise.**  
  
The table provides information on forested land covering six continents within a fifteen-year period. Overall, Europe owns the largest forest area, whereas Oceania owns the least.  
  
Europe has consistently expanded their forest area from 989 million hectares in 1990 to 1001 hectares in 2005. Conversely, Oceania ranked last with 197 million hectares from a mere 199 million hectares within the same period; this is one-tenth of Europe's total.  
  
[...]  
  
Notice how I had removed most of the irrelevant phrases and focused primarily on content that should be developed.  
  
Remember that *depth* is crucial in these forms of essay.  
  
*Best of luck in your writing endeavors!*
## Enquiries received in one city from Jan to Jun 2011

  
  
The line graph compares the quantity of requests the Tourist Informations Office in a specific city received in three different ways from January to June 2011.  
  
It is clear that the number of in-person enquiries experienced the most dramatic change during the research period. Additionally, while the quantities of questions received in person and by telephone both rose significantly, there was a remarkable decline in the figure for letter/email.  
  
In January 2011, the number of telephone enquiries was highest, at approximately 900, while the figure for letter/email was slightly lower, at less than 800. Meanwhile, just over 400 requests were received in person. In May, the quantity of questions collected through letter/email rapidly fell and reached the lowest point of nealy 400, whereas the other two figures gradually went up.  
  
In June 2011, the quantity of in-person requests increased sharply to almost 1900 and became the highest figure in the line graph. Similarly, telephone's figure experienced a slow rise to about 1600. At the same time, the number of enquiries delivered through letter/email remained stable at just less than 400.  
  
*   
*Enquiries received in one city from Jan to Jun 2011*
@Chau Nguyen  
*Hello!*  
  
First and foremost, I think you should focus on optimizing the word count through removing redundant lines.  
  
In addition, you also have a tendency to stretch your sentences thin. This is when you add unnecessary/irrelevant phrases to your line that do not contribute anything substantive to the depth of what you are saying.  
  
Watch out also for your usage of preposition and punctuation. Misuse of these can negatively impact the technicalities of your essay, causing your content to appear informal/less academic (at the very least).  
  
**In line with this, I recommend the following revisions:**  
  
The line graph is a comparative of the quantity of requests received by a city in three different ways from January to June of 2011.  
  
It is clear the in-person enqueries experienced the most dramatic change. While the quantities received by in-person and telephone rose significantly, there was a decline for letters or emails.\*  
  
*\*Notice how omitting small lines that do not have significant meanings can go a long way for your content. In addition, it also helps if you can be more straightforward when it comes to relaying information.*  
  
*Best of luck as always!*
## Aquarium, the Castle, Zoo, and the Festival in Edinburgh visitors

  
  
The line graph given illustrates the data about the number of visitors who went to the various tourist attractions, namely Aquarium, the Castle, Zoo, the Festival in Edinburgh over the course 30 years from 1980 to 2010.  
  
Overall, the rate of visitors to the zoo and the castle was an upward trend, whereas the number of this came to other places declined over the period.  
  
In 1980, the festival was the most favourite attraction, about 30% compared with the rate of visitors came to the castle and aquarium were less popular, 23% and 20% respectively. With 10% for the zoo was the least interesting with tourists.  
  
During the early 20 years, there was a rapid growth in tourists to the castle from 25% to 45% and then it dropped considerably to 30% in 2010. This was the same for the aquarium. Visitors significantly increased to 35% in 1985. Then it fell gradually to under 10% after rising slightly in 1995, about 23%. Furthermore, the figure of travellers who came to the festival fluctuated slightly but in general remained stable, about 25%. In addition, the visitors to the zoo oscillated moderately between 1980 and 2000 before rising gradually to 20% in 2010.
@Thulai1304  
*Hi there!*  
  
Is it alright if you provide the line graph to assist me in providing a feedback?  
  
In line with that, I recommend optimizing your essay. When creating technical observations, try to utilize your space more effectively through (1) evading repetitive interpretations of the text and (2) making more substantive lines through omitting lines you do not necessarily need.  
  
Watch out for your preposition, punctuation, structure, and flow of the sentences.  
  
**Let's revise a few portions of your essays in accordance.**  
  
The line graph illustrates the data on the number of visitors who visited the Aquarium, the Castle, Zoo, and the Festival in Edinburgh in a span of 3 decades from 1980 to 2010.  
  
Overall, the rate of visitors to the Zoo and the castle experienced an upward trend, whereas the same figures declined for others.  
  
[...]  
  
Try to create more context/categorization in your content.  
  
*Best of luck!*
Dear Thulai,  
Because there is no image attached, after reading your essay, I suppose this graph illustrates the PROPORTION of tourists. That's why i think you should use proportion/percentage/rate instead of NUMBER in INTRODUCTION sentence.  
  
I would like to edit something grammatically in your essay:  
- The rates 'Overall, the rate" were... whereas the proportion...  
- In 1980, the percentage of tourists chose the Festival was highest, at 30%, while the figures for castle and aquarium were slightly lower, at 23% and 20% respectively  
- You should notice when plural nouns are used and how to use sentence to describe percentage.  
  
Best of luck!
## Study foreign language remotely

  
  
Hi there, I am the new member here, and currently I am preparing for the Ielts test. I would love to receive some feedback on my essay. Any suggestions or corrections would be appreciated. Thank you so much!  
  
Topic: Some universities now offer their online courses on the Internet so that people can study online. Is this a positive or negative development?  
  
It is true that distance learning through online platforms is more frequently applied by many universities. Although there are some drawbacks of Internet-based learning, I would argue that such an education program has more benefits.  
  
The main downside of the trend towards online learning is the lack of direct interaction. Students might not have the opportunity to engage face-to-face with their teachers and peers, and likewise, teachers might find it difficult to keep track of student progress. In this teaching method, the role of instructors is limited, and there is less peer relation, competition, and cooperation between students. Another disadvantage is that the overdependence of e-learning on technology can lead to an interruption in the learning process. If students do not have a reliable Internet connection or are familiar with computers or technology applied, their learning experience could be dissatisfactory. Furthermore, not all disciplines can be taught effectively in the Internet-based program. For example, scientific fields that require hands-on experience might be difficult to be delivered through websites.  
  
Despite the negatives mentioned above, I believe that online university courses are an essential forward for several reasons. Firstly, this method offers students a flexible way to study, meaning that they have the luxury of choosing the place and time that suits them best, and they can set their own pace of study. Secondly, the cost of a university education can be greatly reduced as there is no need for students to travel, and for universities to build many buildings. Universities can also attract more students without having to rely on the limited capacity of the campus. Lastly, online classes can bring educational opportunities to those who are willing to study, regardless of age, location, or background. For instance, adults who are busy with work during the daytime can take an evening online course without having to attend campus-based classes, or students in remote areas having limited access to university can pursue undergraduate education through learning subjects online.  
  
In conclusion, although online courses are disadvantageous to some extent, I would consider such a learning method a positive development.
@mnhc  
*Hi there!*  
  
First and foremost, I think that your essay was substantiated nicely. I only wish that you would be cautious of the formatting/structure because it can be quite off-putting and baffling at times. When you feel as though you can omit words, omit them. When you feel as though your sentences are too weighed down by thoughts, try to restructure them in a manner that would allow you to have more grasp over what you want to relay. Remember that clarity is crucial when you are writing.  
  
In addition, always use appropriate terms when you are writing.  
  
**Let's revise a few portions of your essay, alright?**  
  
It is true that using online platforms has emerged as a popular platform for universities. Although there are drawbacks, I argue that it has more benefits.  
  
The main downside of the trend is its lack of direct interaction. [...]  
  
Always try to make sure that your sentences are optimized in that you do not mention/include irrelevant lines - and that you try your best to capitalize on the space you have through including more necessary details for added depth.  
  
*Keep these in mind. Best of luck in your writing!*
@Writer07  
Thank you for your comment. But I am quite certain that each paragraph in my essay contains only one idea. To be more specifically, this first one is about disadvantages and the second is advantages of online courses.  
  
@Maria  
Thank you, Maria. My essay seems a bit wordy. I think I still need to work on coherence and clarity, and try to add more depth.  
  
Once again, thank you. Have a nice day!
## TASK 2. TOPIC ON EDUCATION

  
  
**Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinions.**  
  
After high school, students have to decide whether to continue studying by going to university or getting a job. While getting a job straight after school has many advantages for a successful future, I believe that being admitted to a prestigious university would be better for some reasons.  
  
On one hand, It is understandable to see that the majority of students land jobs after finishing academic programs. Some do not have enough score to continue studying, some, in contrast, just want to gain work experience earlier than those who further their studies. Moreover, they could have opportunities to sharpen their social skills in the workplace, such as communication, collaboration,..., which are really vital in the technology-driven world. Nevertheless, for students who want to acquire professional jobs like dentist, lawyer or teacher..., It would be a must to have degrees specializing in these fields which they are able to only receive in university.  
  
On the other hand, the option of going to studying at college or university would be utterly beneficial in my opinion. In terms of academic qualification, the university not only provides undergraduates with knowledge renewed annually but also the enormous number of opportunities. For example, large enterprises are seeking most talented employees in universities. They offer high salaries, motivating workplace environments, and rewarding holiday trips... Moreover, most universities currently organized soft skill training program from which student could be certificated. These programs are mostly taught by professionals or experienced trainers.  
  
To conclude, it seems to me that students could be far successful if they choose to continue their studies in college or university beyond school level.
@opaki123  
*Hi there!*  
  
Let's look through your essay; I do have a couple of key recommendations.  
  
First and foremost, evade repetitive phrasings when you are constructing your text. Doing this will not benefit you because you'll end up wasting the word count. Instead, always try to optimize and maximize your essay through elaborating on details with more depth and substance.  
  
In addition to this, be cautious of fundamental technicalities in writing: punctuation, preposition, and consistency of your verb forms. Once you have gotten this out of the way, you'll be able to have more hold over the content of your essay.  
  
**Having said that, let's revise a few portions of your text.**  
  
Upon graduating from high school, students decide to either study or get a job. While immediately jumping into a career has advantages, I would argue that admission to a universities for further studies is more advantageous.  
  
*Notice how in this portion, I made certain to consistently have variations in the text. Instead of saying that getting a job straight after school, I said that it would be jumping into a career path. Notice how they both relay similar messages but that the latter has a straightforward approach and would develop the thought more.*  
  
On the one hand, a majority of students land jobs after finishing their programs. Some do not have sufficient grades to take further studies, therefore causing them to focus on work. Moreover, they have opportunities to sharpen other skills in the workplace. Communication and collaboration are crucial when speaking of advancements in the technological age. [...]  
  
I would recommend that you revise the content and thoughts of the succeeding sentence after this. You can add more substance through explaining how advanced programs have advantages (therefore warrants that we should focus on them).  
  
*Best of luck in your writing!*
## Reading statistics - 3 years period

  
  
The line graph illustrates how many books people read at Burnaby Public Library over 3 years from 2011 to 2014.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the number of books, that people read at Burnaby Public Library, generally increased from 2011 to 2013 before being different trends for men and women in the following 2 years. While the proportion of books read by men rise dramatically, that of books the women is a steady fall.  
  
From 2011 to 2013, there was a slight growth from around 3000 books to just under 4000 books in the number of books which men read before going up significantly to approximately 10000 books in 2013. Similarly, that of books which women read witnessed a gradual climb from around 5000 books and reached a high of 10000 books in 2013.  
  
In 2014, there was a steady surge to over 14000 books in the numbers of books read by men. This was the highest figure in the period. In contrast, women read books that had downward trends from 10000 books in 2013 to around 8000 books.  
  
**Thank you in advance to help improve my writing skill.**  
  
*   
*Thank you in advance to help improve my writing skill*
@huynhtien2407  
Create more concise sentences. Structure is crucial when you are writing - remember this. Ensure that your structure is consistent - and that it uses appropriate terminologies to create detail. Additionally, it is also crucial that you would omit words that are unnecessary to building your content. Remember that to ensure that your technical angle in writing is well-assured, you should be able to use techniques to trim down your writing.  
  
In addition, always make sure that you follow formal/academic writing standards when you are interpreting said information.  
  
**Let's revise a few portions of your essay in accordance.**  
  
The line graph illustrates the number of books read at Burnaby Public Library from 2011 to 2014.  
  
Overall, it is clear that within the three-year period the number of books read has increased. While the proportion of books read by men has risen, the number for women has steadily fallen.  
  
From 2011 to 2011, there was a slight growth in the number of books men read from 3000 to approximately 4000. This then significantly rose to 10 000 books in 2013. [...]  
  
Try to not overwhelm your paragraphs with information as you go along. Trying to separate and categorize your data into specific portions would go a long way.  
  
*Best of luck!*
## Cow's milk - manufacturing process

  
  
The diagram illustrated the process in manufacturing milk through different stages. It can be seen that the production of milk is not only various but also complicated.  
  
Initially, cows are grazed by famers before being milked mechanically. Milking cows is the most crucial step because it affects a lot to the quality of final products. Afterward, milk, which is extracted from the cows, is reserved in refrigeration storage and then delivered by a truck to a factory in order to proceed the next steps. At the next phase of the production, milk is pastaurized and sterilized not only by state-of-the-art machines but also in a suitable temperature and environment so as to ensure the quality of milk. Afterthat, milk is transported to a dairy to classify into various products such as cheese cream, butter and so on. The process finishes when those products are packaged fossily and delivered to supermarkets and shops for sale.  
  
Overall, the production of milk is carried out cautiously so as to satisfy customers who want to use the most qualified products.