@Holt  
Hi. Holt I have to thank you for all your comments because I was able to revise my second draft(which turned out really good) by using what you said about my essay. They were a very helpful, especially in writing my second draft. :)  
  
So, I sent my essay to an essay writing service. They listed a couple of points on where i should improve my essay.  
  
I was wondering, when you have a chance, could you please see if the comments from the essay writing service are good or accurate? Because before I received these comments, I thought my essay was in pretty good shape. I think maybe the essay still has room for improvement but I am not sure.  
  
According to these comments, what do you think I should do to improve my essay?  
  
For each of the comments from the writing service I briefly included what I thought about each comment.  
1) For the**show dont tell** part I think I might try to show the reader more about how I learned through this lesson and include a couple of instances of my life where this experience affected me.  
  
2) For the **learning from the experience**I thought that my lesson was pretty clear, but the writing service says that I can focus more on this. My lesson was "Every day may not be good, but there is something good in everyday. I believe that there is always a positive aspect to believe in even when in a position that is less than ideal." What do you think about this comment?  
  
3) For the **focus on you** how can i focus more on myself? Could you give me suggestions about this?  
4) I think they are right about the**strong message**. I might try to convey my message more powerfully. What do you think?  
5) For the**message driven content**, do you think I should take out parts of my essay? I read it a lot of times and I thought that there was not anything extra in the essay. Is my message not so clear? Do you feel that I should change my essay according to these comments?  
  
These are the comments from the essay writing service:  
As requested, I am focusing my comments and suggestions around the idea, content, and flow of your essay. First off, the story you have presented is very strong in both its uniqueness and personal importance to you. There is clearly a strong message about the satisfaction you gain from making people happy that you deliver through the essay. That being said, there are several things I would want to see change in order to improve the flow and direction of the essay as a whole:  
  
1) Show, don't tell - show how you've changed, instead of announcing it explicitly. For example, don't say things like "I could accept failing to earn money because embracing the conversations, smiles, and efforts from that day made up for it.". Instead, SHOW the reader how you learned this lesson through changes in your behavior or thought processes compared to before, through saying things like "Though before I would have done X, I now found myself doing Y".  
  
2) Learning from the experience - you can definitely spend more words detailing how exactly you learned from the experience. The majority of your essay describes the story itself (which I'll address below), in addition to some reflection on what exactly your thoughts on the experience as a whole were. However, I don't really know exactly how or what you learned, which is what the prompt asks for  
  
3) Focus on you. This is an essay about you, and even though your story is important, you should focus on yourself more! While the story about your experience at the flea market is powerful, much of it takes words away that could be used to focus on yourself and your eventual growth. This is ultimately what admissions officers want to read about more than any experience or anecdote.  
  
4) Strong Message. You should lay out a message at the beginning of your essay about both the aspects of your personality that changed through a lesson, as well as the anecdote you'll show it with. Then, from there, present your story, only including portions that are relevant to your message and showing your message through your story. Finally, summarize the points you are trying to make about yourself as an example of the results your experiences had on you.  
  
5) Message driven content. You have quite a few anecdotal and descriptive details in your essay that, while very relevant to you and the story you're telling, don't necessarily help support the message you're trying to convey about yourself. I would suggest cutting out pieces of story/descriptive details so that aren't entirely relevant to the story you are trying to tell here. You can choose to leave out some/all of them, and a good way to do so is to only use stories and details that directly support the focus of your essay's message.  
  
Holt, your ideas and suggestions are very important to me. I am open to any suggestion you have to make for my essay. Thanks so much in advance.