dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Thank you so much for your valuable feedback. Yes I agree with you that I went off topic in the first paragraph and I should have mentioned why art is more attractive from the society perspective.  
  
For the opinion paragraph, I tried to mention it in the thesis statement in the first paragraph (the intro) and to maintain a clear position within the essay ( which I believe I didn't do that perfectly) and finally, reiterate it in the conclusion.  
  
I will rewrite this essay again considering adding a third paragraph to see what I am able to mention in terms of more ideas.  
  
Thank you, appreciate it.
**At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.  
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
## Younger or older society?

  
  
Nowadays, in some countries, the ratio of elderly citizens to youths has changed drastically. In my opinion, there is more benefit to this situation than challenges.  
  
Due to the high number of young blood, there is fresh outlook in different fields. Teenagers prefer to think outside the box and are willing to experiment with new ideas for doing things. For instance, most of the work is done using computers, databases that were recorded once in books are now stored in clouds. Learning new technologies and keeping up with the latest knowledge is found challenging by older people. Another, plus point to this scenario is better employment opportunities for adolescents. Many graduates fail to find jobs due to lack of experience and availability of space in business. With the low number of senior employees, new comes will have a wider scope.  
  
On the other hand, young people are very unstable, they are impatient and wish to progress faster, they lack the eye for details for work which only comes with experience. Due to lack of elderly experience staff companies will have to incur heavy expenses to train new inexperienced recruits. Business such as glassware's and pottery will suffer major losses due to their new comer's mistakes. Learning under the guidance of a learned and experienced person will aid in mastering skills faster as you can seek the help required right away rather than spending time self-investigation.  
  
In conclusion, there is some drawback such as instability of workforce and investment in training new youths and bearing the losses they cause in the process of learning; nonetheless, these are minor issues in terms of advantages addressed earlier.  
  
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Hi, can you please evaluate my band score, I am sitting for IELTS this July.  
  
Looking forward to your reply.  
  
Thank you for your time.
Gloria, I am not sure if you have been studying with a tutor for your IELTS test all this time. My advice for you may run counter to whatever it was that you were taught by your tutor or your review classes so just disregard my advice if it is not in accordance with what was previously taught to you. The scoring I will be providing you will be based on how I teach my students, who have always passed their IELTS tests with the highest marks possible. Here I go.  
  
The prompt requires a single opinion presentation. You are being asked to choose whether or not you view the situation as advantageous or not. It is not a two point of view discussion essay, which is often preceded by the instruction "Discuss both points of view..." In this instance, you are being asked to defend a single point of view based on your personal preference and opinion. So your response will be seen as only partially correct because you did indicate a point of view that you support in the prompt restatement, but then you discussed a comparison essay when it came to the body of the essay rather than presenting only evidence that proves your point of view to be the correct one. As for the score, I believe it will be as follows:  
  
TA - 5 - your response is only partially correct and your position discussion tends to be blurred in the actual body of paragraphs.  
C&C - 5 - There is some disorganization in your idea presentation. This problem is clearly seen in the following passage: "For instance, most of the work is done using computers, databases that were recorded once in books are now stored in clouds." How is this relevant to the discussion of age in relation to the older and younger generation?  
  
LR - 6 - your vocabulary is accurate but too simple to be given a higher score.  
GRA - 5 - you have made significant attempts are complex sentences but these are not always successful. However, it does not impede the understanding of your work by the reader.  
  
Again, this is my opinion of your work and you may disregard it if you wish to. This close to the test schedule, I believe you have undergone formal training for it with tutors or classes, which may run counter to my observations or advice. I wish you the best of luck with your test.
**Some people think that the government should take care of disadvantaged people such as the unemployed and homeless people. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## **DISADVANTAGED PEOPLE SHOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF BY THE GOVERNMENT**

  
  
With more and more people getting unemployed and homeless, there are discussions that the administration must do something about it. In my personal opinion, I disagree that the government should be fully responsible to underprivileged people.  
  
Nowadays, with the decrease demand of employment, there is an increase amount of people without a job. Society thinks that the government should provide jobs for these people. Although there are job fairs all over the world, still, not everyone is getting hired by the companies. Hence, it is not the government's responsibility to give jobs to every unemployed so they can afford to live. The authority is there to assist but not to take care of their needs.  
  
As a result of unemployment, there are those who are homeless or living by the streets. Arguably, this is also one of the government's problems that need to be adressed. However, the help is limited, they can provide temporary living arrangements to the homeless but they cannot give permanent accommodation.  
  
I believe that it is not the government's sole responsibility to provide basic necessities to people at disadvantaged. There are thousands of people who do not have a job, or without a place to live, because of this large number, the government cannot spend the public's money solely on them. This might have a negative effect such as being dependent on the government, that might result to more people taking advantage of public's money.  
  
With that in mind, I still stand on my belief that the government should not be the one to give care for homeless and jobless individuals. The administration, however, may help them by requiring new companies to employ people or some organizations that provide house loans to assist the needs of these people.
You are highly skillful at word choice and also convince the reader successfully. Your essay provides an adequate background information, strong thesis statement, and clear topic sentence.  
  
Besides, in my individual opinion, there are some points that I think will make your essay more persuasive:  
The second and the third paragraph also contain the same meaning so that it will be better if you combine them into a paragraph.  
"be responsible for + doing something/ someone " is more accurate.
Hi, I just have one suggestion of how you can improve your writing. You see, any standardized test or even just college essays requires you to write in an academic manner. Right now your essay consists of a lot of spoken language which makes the essay sound sloppy and unprofessional. There are ways in which you can make your essay more academic in terms on language, as I was taught in school: Use more complicated words (just use the synonym dictionary to replace simple words with more complicated ones, but only when you're sure of the meaning of those words), use noun phrases instead of verbs or adjectives (e.g. "With more and more people getting unemployed and homeless" can be written as "Regarding the situation of increasing unemployment and homelessness"). There are more, you can google or ask your teachers.  
  
There are also problems of idea development, but I guess I'll leave it for others to address lol. Hope this is helpful.
Jea, you appear to repeat your thesis statement twice in this essay. One mention of the thesis statement and prompt paraphrase is enough. I do not know if you noticed but paragraphs 1 and 2 are interchangeable as your opening paraphrase. Do not repeat yourself just to meet a word count. An essay that is direct to the point and immediately discusses its opinion will score higher than a repetitive essay presentation. That said, only paragraph 1 should indicate the paraphrase and thesis statement. The second paragraph, should then contain the first topic or reason for discussion as its first sentence, with supporting discussions to follow.  
  
Only paragraphs 3 and 4 actually discuss the given topic and not in a very strong manner at that because you are not offering any examples to support your claims. This essay would lose a tremendous amount of points due to its repetitiveness and lack of supporting discussions. Try to do a quick outline of your discussion prior to your drafting your response. That way you will avoid repeating yourself.
Hi everybody.  
This is one of my TOEFL essays.  
  
## Most advertisements make products seem much better than they really are?

  
  
Every time I turn the T.V on, an advertisement is showing. A lot of them in variety fields, from baby product to the eldary facilities, from food to cloth, from simple bicycle to expensive automobiles are be watching. Based on my experience and what I heard from my friends and relatives almost all of them seem much better than they really are.  
  
The most reason is that the advertisers use advanced techniques to show their products better and more attractive. In addition to some film making techniques such as lighting, editing, makeup and so on, today computer programming provides more fascinating methods to persuade audience. For example, they use photoshop to sharp colors and make more brilliant images. For instanc, about a month ago I was watching an advertisment about new car in the T.V every day. It had a such a shining dark rek color and could run faster than every vehicle meanwhile an old man was a reading newspaper in the back. My friends purchased one of them last week and invited me to watch it. It wan just ordinary other cars with a normal speed and a lot of shakes during riding.  
  
Another reason is that the advertising agencies usually employ celebrities to convince audience. It may be sound impractical but psychologicaly it certainly attract people especialy young ones. An example that comes to my mind is that an advertisement shows a famous soccor player wears specific sport shoes and he is so happy and comfortable when he is wearing them. Young people are easily presuaded to buy excatly the same brand. In another example, a beautiful famous actress takes shower and uses an especial brand of shampoo. The demand for that shampoo will increase as soon as possible.  
  
Advertisements are really important in our life. Though some people think the advertisers are honest about their products, I strongly believe that they make them seem much better and more attractive that they are. It is very easy by using of film making and computer programing techniques. It also could be happen by using famous well know celebrities. I am sure psychological research will acknowledge this argument too.
Hi Maryam, I think that you can get a score of 3 with this essay. The reason that I believe you will get this type of score is because your essay has problems with its explanation presentations. You tend to have problems with the coherence of your statements due to problematic sentence construction and misspelled words such as rek for red and eldary for elederly. When you make these sorts of errors, you force the reader to stop and reread the statement. Wondering what it is that you are trying to say. The meaning is confusing or lost because of you did not proof read your essay so you could edit the mistakes before you submitted it for scoring. Your vocabulary then comes across as weak, lacking and suffering from a range of syntactic structures.  
  
Basically, you have the right idea for the discussion. You just failed to properly present the same in a coherent manner. You have the English writing abilities of an intermediate learner so you have the potential to get better over time. Just remember that editing your text before submission will increase your scoring potential because you will catch the mistakes that could lower your score once the essay is submitted.
*Levels of youth crime are increasing rapidly in most cities around the world.  
What are the reasons for this, and suggest some solutions.*  
  
## youngsters breaking the law

  
  
Recently, crimes committed by young ages have become topic of debates globally, bringing many concerns between government and society. The growing numbers have demonstrated the relevancy of this issue. Overall, this essay will point out reasons why the new generation are involved on this situation and provide some solutions.  
  
First and foremost, the main reason is clearly the freedom that children are growing up. Modern society allows young people to have more flexibility. For instance, while parents are working all day, their sons are being carried by other people such nannies or relatives, who in general neglected attention or have different ways to educate them. Therefore, young people, particularly teenagers are becoming far more independent to committ some crimes that they even are not aware of the consequences. Furthermore, a great solution to tackle this issue could be more presence of parent in children's daily life and also more discipline in their activities.  
  
The secondary reason for crime rates for early ages is the easy access to information. Media often have been showing videos, films and news explaining how people strategically performed in some kind of crimes such as violence and robbers. Moreover, it is encouraged by some groups on social media rapidly. A good idea it will be reinforce the time limit of children and teenagers on TV, internet or any budget, as a consequence less exposition and vulnerability.  
  
In conclusion, freedom and media access are main factors for problems with increased rates of crime in early ages. Parents are protagonist to solve this issue, who should be more present, monitoring the time and content available for their sons.
Franciane, your essay suffers in terms of C&C in some sections. For example, I am unclear about what you mean when you say " the freedom that children are growing up". I can only assume that you meant to say "the freedom that children ENJOY growing..." There is a lack of descriptive words in that sentence to complete the message of the sentence.  
  
It is also improper of you to use the term "sons" in reference to the care being given. A more appropriate term would be genderless such as children, child, young people, adolescents, something that speaks of a gender without being specific about it as the prompt does not actually mention a specific type of gender when indicating who is committing the crimes. Being able to use other genderless terms on your part will show a greater LR ability on your part.  
  
You should have presented 2 reasons for the crimes committed by the youth but not delivered under developed solution presentations in the paragraphs. A solid single reference to a solution that can apply to both instances, such as parental supervision, discussed in full as a stand alone paragraph would have been a more appropriate way to meet the prompt requirement and would have also helped to increase your C&C and GRA scores.
## modern life - not without smartphones

  
  
Nowadays, people almost can't live without smartphone in our daily life. Whenever we are doing work or in our leisure time, we always keep smartphone with us. For me, it is definitely the invention that has made the most difference in the life of people in the last 30 years.  
  
In this generation, smartphone has totally change our life for communicating with others. For instance, people used to chat with their friends by face to face, while now, we are more prefer to use smartphone to send message or chat online. It makes more convenience for people to keep in touch with others. And make world without distance.  
  
Besides, the invention of smartphone has also let people to get information more easily. As before, people only could learn the news from newspaper or television, but now, getting the information form smartphone is the fast way.  
  
All in all, smartphone has changed our life overall. Even though some say that the invention of smartphone has made people alienated from others, for long distance lovers, it definitely the best invention in the world. It also makes our life more convenience and wonderful. Thanks for technology development let us living in such a comfort life. I'll precious it and never take it for granted.
@pp50123 You have chosen some very good lines of reasoning for the topic you chose to discuss in this essay. The main problem that I see with your work is that you do not fully develop the content of the paragraphs. The discussions are shallow and only provide talking points without actually providing a clearer explanation nor supporting information for your claims. Each paragraph needs to have more explanations and a deeper analysis.  
  
You actually fall under the minimum 250 word count because you only have 213 words in your presentation. So this essay will not be able to get a passing score in the end due to the lack of properly developed discussions, more accurate LR presentations, and lack of proper GRA consideration presentations. You do not fully utilize the possibility of presenting a proper mix of simple and complex sentences in the essay. All of these problems will result in a failed test on your part.
*Topic: The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children's sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.*  
  
## encouraging to play sports through money

  
  
The charts demonstrate the British parents spent how money on their children's sport a month and how many children who took part in football, athletics and swimming over a course of 5 years starting from 2008.  
  
As can be seen from the charts, it is clearly evident that the amount of money spent witnessed an upward trend, the number of children joined swimming that went up sharply, that of football increased slightly and that of athletics remained relatively stable.  
  
Each British parent used money for their children's sports enrollment that stood at 20 euros a month in 2008. Then it rose steady and peaked at roughly 35 euros per month in 2014.  
  
The first sport is athletics enrolled by children was approximately 0.1 million in 2008 that leveled off in the next 2 years. The year 2012 was witnessed a dramatic climb in the number of children at 5 million that stayed unchanged in 2014. The number of children chose swimming that started at roughly 2.5 million in 2008 that grew modestly around 5 million in 2014. The number of children played football evened out from 2008 to 2014 at about 8 million.  
  
*
Linh, your paper has a factual error located within it. The first error is that you are citing the expenses in Euros when the British economy uses the British Pound for their currency. Although Britain is still temporarily part of the European Union, the country has never used the Euro as a currency because of certain traditional considerations.  
  
You need to present 2 trending statements in this instance. One for the amount of money spent and the other, for the most popular sports the children participated in. Without this information, your summary overview is incomplete and unreliable in terms of delivering an accurate report based on the 2 charts.  
  
Your report is highly confusing to read. Mostly because you are going from one type of chart information to another in every paragraph without presenting any transition sentences. You are also not following the international standard for presenting measurements. Rather than saying 0.1 million, based on the chart itself, you should have simply indicated 1 million since the next set of digits was 2.5 million. Always be true to the chart presentation when indicating the digits in your summary paraphrase.  
  
Try to present complete paragraphs of 3-5 sentences rather than these stand alone 1-2 sentence paragraphs. The latter does not fall under the required minimum standards for paragraph presentations and could result in severe C&C and GRA reductions in the final scoring consideration.
*Question: Many employers are now offering their employees the option to work from home. As a result, employee will have much flexible working hours in the future. Is this a positive or negative develpoment?*  
  
## work from home - the great innovation

  
  
Nowadays employees are provided option to work at home instead of in office. It is believed that employees' working hours will be more flexible in the future. The advantage of working at home that will be discussed in this essay is that, it makes employees more convenient to work at home. The disadvantage, however, is that employees are not able to join face-to-face discussion.  
  
Work at home can bring a lot of convenience to employess because they can accompany their family member while working, especially for those who have to take care of their small children. It can also improve relationship between family members. For instance, parent can prepare breakfast for their children before sending them to school and spend time with them after school.  
  
Hoewever, there is also disadvantage when employees working at home. Sometimes there will be soome urgent meetings that all employees must present and discuss about it. Although the employees who works at home can join the discussion through phone or Skype, it is still problematic in communication when network connection is poor. This may result in missunderstanding and some urgent problem could not be solved immediately. For example, other employees might not hear clearly what the other talking about when there is transmission delay.  
  
Notwithstanding the possible occurence of misunderstanding, in my opinion, it is still good to allow employee to work at home because the relationship between family member are more valuable in compare to the missunderstandiing that might occur during a discussion.  
  
In conclusion, it is clear that an option to work from home can benefits employees, including flexible working hours and also strong bond between family member. For those who have bad network connection at ome should find solution to solve their problem in order to work at home.