dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Here is my latest essay on IELTS Writing Task 2. Please be free to leave your feedbacks. Thanks in advance.  
  
## Discursive Essay

  
  
**Topic: Some people say that governments should pay for public health care and education, while others say that it is not governments' responsibility.  
Please discuss both views and give your own opinion**  
  
Some people believe that financing the costs of health care and education is supposed to be among the top priorities of a government's agenda. Meanwhile, others argue that the citizens should take that responsibility by themselves. In my opinion, I believe that the government should cover some parts of the bills at least.  
  
On the one hand, there are various reasons why people believe the government should pay for the hospital and school fees. Firstly, it is true that the state's medical subsidies would give many people, especially those in the low-income group a chance to enjoy better health care services, thereby improving the social wellness. In addition to that, considering the fact that a decent education for every citizen is a fundamental goal for every country, thus, providing free education would be the very basic step to make that goal realized.  
  
On the other hand, there are also some strong arguments that are against the ideas above. Firstly, as a matter of fact, the government budget is not unlimited, hence, if not being obliged to make health care and education free for all people, the government could spend more money on other critical items. Secondly, if the costs of public medical care and education are fully covered by the government, there would be an enormous burden imposed on the public investment fund for research and development in the medical and educational fields, which in turn would badly affect people's health and education in long run.  
  
To conclude, I believe it would be reasonable if the government could offer financial supports to those who really are in dire need instead of treating all citizens the same. By doing so, it is still responsible for developing a healthy and educated society without making its budget exhausted.
Hi  
  
Here is a big mistake you made on the structure: for discussion essays, you need general 5 paragraphs in total, which are introduction+ 2 paragraphs about why the opinions from the prompt are right+ 1paragraph about your own statement+ conclusion. To meet the TA requirements, you are supposed to give your own opinion and extend it.  
  
Also, the way you connected your sentences was mechanical. ( 'firstly, secondly' appeared in both paragraph)  
  
cheers
The main problem with your essay is that you are not discussing the prompt requirements in full. You are only partially responding to the prompt and as such, cannot expect to get a passing score due to a selective response presentation. The prompt clearly indicates the following:  
  
*Discussion Instruction: Please discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
Discussion Paraphrase: In my opinion, I believe that the government should cover some parts of the bills at least.  
Correct Discussion Paraphrase: I will review both public opinions in an effort to establish a clear personal opinion on my part.*  
  
Your whole discussion presentation did not provide a clear idea of public points of view presentations as there were no public acknowledgement phrases in your topic sentences for every paragraph. As such, the presentation of the discussion, based on your incorrect paraphrase is that the whole essay is from your personal point of view. This means you are answering only one part of the essay requirement. This means you did not write the correct number of words for the essay either as deductions are made for missing word count based on irrelevant paragraph discussion presentations. If you did not clearly indicate the two public points of view, then the whole essay comes from your personal point of view. You cannot pass the test because of this error.
Hi, the basic problem in your writing is the essay structure. It has been indicated clearly through the comments above so i won't discuss about it further. I recommend you to investigate the model structure for each type of ielts writing requirements carefully, you can refer to some books for ielts writing or just simply search for information on the internet.  
  
Besides, there are some personal reviews i want to give you.  
- it seems that you use too many transitional words and attitude adverbials in your essay, which makes up a large number of words. Or these expressions are rather long that make the reader sometime feel tired on following your discussion. Using those don't help you get a higher score, or even you can lose the score of coherency. Try using simple but proper versions and develop the content of the idea more.  
  
For example,  
In my opinion, I believe... remove one of them. It's redundant to use both  
In addition ~~to that, considering the fact that~~ -> in addition, ... it's enough  
  
-> try to write concisely, it much be better.
## cooperation through team sports

  
  
the best way to teach children to co-operate is though team sports at school, to what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
My essay:  
  
It is said that the most effective means of educating young generation about cooperation is by team sports. Although it is true that children can be benefited from it, there are other methods to teach them with collaboration.  
  
By playing sports in a group. children are able to learn how to find their role in a group in order to achieve success. As sport games are usually played by considerable number of people, it is unlikely for one person to compete with other teams and win the game. Children who are in the team have to work with teammates together, discovering everyone's advantages and helping with each other to win. The awareness of cooperation that children gain from team sports can be applied on other sides of their life.  
  
Nevertheless, there are also other approaches to help the youth to learn co-operate.First, they can learn collaboration by doing team projects in school system. This kind of projects always assign people with different tasks. For example, some projects may require students to make a short video, so team members will need to decide who is going to write the script or who is going to edit the film. If people in the group cannot finish their own duties on time, a delay will be cause which will have an adverse impacts on the whole process. Second, team study can be an alternative for children to learn cooperation. Due to the limitation of their minds, it is difficult for children to finish school assignments on their own. Studying in a group enables children to gain new ideas of the homework from their classmates, which will contribute to achieve higher score.  
  
In conclusion, there is no doubt that children can learn about cooperation via team sports. However, I would argue that may other ways can be accepted to teach them with cooperating as well.
The IELTS writing task requires 4 parameters to be fulfilled, namely,  
  
1. Task Completion  
2. Coherence and Cohesion  
3. Lexical Resource  
4. Grammatical Range and Accuracy  
  
I believe you've partially fulfilled the first parameter, but the remaining 3 fall short of required expectations from an examiner's standpoint. There are several instances of improper grammatical structures, lack of proper punctuations, etc., which make reading your essay harder. This obscures your content, directly affecting the first parameter as well. You may run your essay through a grammar checking software online, observe the mistakes you make, and improve in that direction. Look up sample IELTS essays as well to get a gist of what thesis statements should look like.  
  
Also, I believe you've exceeded the word limit by a large margin. IELTS doesn't particularly have one, but a lengthy essay with redundant information doesn't score you extra points. Try keeping the essay brief.
Nicoel, you are confusing your English words. You need to brush up on your English vocabulary due to your tendency to confuse similar sounding words that have different meanings. The term. "be cause" normally has the connecting word "the" in between to connote the result of an action (ex. ... a delay will be the cause which will... ). When using the word "because", that word is used to introduce a word or phrase that stands for a clause expressing an explanation or reason (e.g. It is because of that reason...).  
  
It appears that you have written a very long essay in an effort to show off your English vocabulary and sentence structure skills. The problem is that you did not discuss the given topic as required so the long essay did not serve any purpose. You failed the test right from the start. The basis of your failure is as follows:  
  
*Prompt Question: .. to what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Discussion Response: .. there are other methods to teach them with collaboration.*  
  
Since you are not offering a measured opinion of your response to the question and are instead, discussing a prompt topic of your own design, you will be considered to have discussed a totally unrelated topic, scoring a 1 in the TA section because of it. Therefore, your whole essay has failed to pass the test. If you do not discuss the required topic, then you have shown that you lack English comprehension skills and as such, cannot be considered for academic learning in an English based curriculum.
Thank you for your corrections. As for the TA section, will it be better if I change the article to:  
  
(introduction) It is said that ... team sports. Although it ... from it, I do not agree with this idea as many other approaches can achieve the goal as well.  
  
(paragraph 3)Despite the potential benefit talked above, I would argue that playing team sports is one option instead of being the best because there are also many other ways to help the youth learn co-operating.First, ...  
  
Or, another structure of the essay:  
1.talk about advantages of team sports have on children cooperation.  
2.talk about disadvantages of team sports may bring to children cooperation.  
3. give other approaches to teach children with learning cooperate.  
conclusion: Although it is true that children can be benefited from it, I do not agree with the idea that team sports are the ideal way to teach children with cooperation.  
  
How do you think?
Neither approach is correct because the prompt is asking for a measured response to the question. The proper reference for your response should be indicated in the following forms (but are not limited to this presentation alone)  
  
I completely agree/disagree  
I totally agree /disagree  
I agree / disagree with reservations  
I consider myself in full support / not in full support of  
I would consider only partially supporting an agreement/ disagreement  
  
... and other variations thereof. Always remember that the prompt instruction will include a clear instruction regarding your discussion pattern in the essay. In this case, it is a 4 paragraph measured response essay. It is not a simple agree/disagree essay. The discussion for this essay is based on a strong personal opinion, experience, or understanding of the given topic. That is why you are being asked to figuratively quantify your agreement or disagreement with the discussion. It is only after you properly assess the discussion requirements of the essay that you can begin to formulate the proper supporting reason paragraphs. After properly assessing the essay discussion requirements, you can use either structure one or two for the reasoning paragraphs. Not before then.  
  
I I don't advise you to post a new version of the essay based on the same prompt. The admin will consider that multiple postings on the same topic and delete the new / additional essay. It could lead to the eventual banning of your account. You will need to pick a new topic to discuss that uses the same discussion instruction instead.
**Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
## the language barrier

  
  
In these days, there has been a controversial assumption that getting to live abroad can create both social and practical issues due to the fact that foreign language is a must. I personally agree with that owing to these following arguments.  
  
First of all, language barrier is the key point which causes practical matters like conflict in a relationship. It is apparent that different languages have each style of speaking, leading to distinguished accents, voices and even body gestures. This could be the root which resulted in misunderstanding between some Indian and American students, namely, in a memorial time of a conference when the host took picture of attending delegates, American post with two fingers with palm side while a few Indian, with vice-versa side. What was not well-known that, in some cultures, the posture of some Indian did perceivedly showed less regards, therefore the American students thought the Indian lacked formality.  
  
Secondly, social aspects should be considered when referring to language-related problems. It is generally seen that the cultures according to nationalities are quite distinct. These, accompanied by language obstacle, could direct non-native speakers to undergo hardships in work opportunities. Hence, they probably contribute to a large proportion of unemployment rate, especially in competitive markets like the US and Japan. Moreover, the immigrants could be the victims of bullying and racism since they could hardly interact with other residential citizens. For instance, in the US there are getting more and more cases of black discrimination.  
  
In conclusion, social and practical disadvantages might appear when someone moves to other countries. In my opinion, overseas bureaucracies should give aid to newcomers in terms of finance and welfare.  
  
***(276 words)***
Overall this is a great essay but there are some mistakes:  
the posture of some Indian perceived show fewer regards  
Personally, I think you should use a dot rather than a comma. You should use some structures in English such as Although..., not only... but also, ... to replace a comma to make a complex sentence. Moreover, I think you should use clear and to-the-point transitional words such as Apparently, In fact, In addition simply because this is 250-270 words essay.  
  
Good luck
Vu, this essay contains a series of grammatical problems that cannot allow you to score more than a 3 overall. The reasons for this score are based on your lack of control over word usage, sentence structure, and inability to develop properly referenced English sentences. The presentation is so bad that the meaning of every paragraph is either non-existent or distorted in meaning.  
  
Your essay lacks a clear position based on the extent requirement of the essay discussion. Your ideas require more development in order to make its meaning clearer to the reader. There is a lack of relationships between your ideas. You barely use cohesive devices, and your English vocabulary use is difficult to understand due to the lack of logical sentence presentations. This is basically a very badly developed essay that cannot allow you to pass the test in an actual setting.
*Many parents believe that when their children read books for entertainment, they are wasting their time, and that they should read only serious, educational books. What is your opinion about this?*  
  
## leisure book is not worthy?

  
  
Many parents prefer their kids to study academic literature rather than leisure books because they believe that reading leisure books are useless for their children. In my opinion, I disagreed that the young are limited to read different varieties of books.  
  
The fields of the Books for leisure are very wide-ranging, from magazines on sports to Information technology. Firstly, becoming up-to-date is very vital to the young. By reading the latest magazines on Information Technology, children can abreast the most recent launched software and technology. Secondly, as we all know, humans need to relieve pressure and therefore children who have to shoulder tremendous stress on study are deserved to have relaxing times such as reading comics.  
  
Although I disagreed that the choices of reading are limited to serious, educational, I still think that the young should study books about their own countries' history and science. When it comes to raising national consciousness, understanding how your home country built is very essential. The past of the countries can be found in the historical literature. Furthermore, Our future is constructed by our next generation, they need to equip with more fundamental knowledge about our world. Thus, in my view, it is worth that children to sparing times on learning basic intelligence such as science and mathematics.  
  
In conclusion, both leisure books and academic books are important to our children. Parents can play the role as adviser to provide guidance and suggestions to their children instead of banning them to read different varieties of books.  
  
(Thanks very much for your help!)
reading leisure books **is** useless ...  
  
I **disagree** that the young **should be limited** to read ...  
  
studying **deserve** to have **a** relaxing **time** such as reading **comic books**  
  
Although I **disagree**  
  
our home country **was** built is very essential  
  
they need to **to be equipped**  
  
Thus, in my view, it is a worth**while investment for children to spare time to learn the basics of science and mathematics.**  
  
Parents can play the role as **advisers**
***Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.***  
  
## presenting personal data for a potential employer

  
  
Employers occasionally inquire about candidates' hobbies, interests or marital statuses. Some applicants believe that this personal information is related to and helpful for a job, whilst others disagree and consider it to be discrimination. I agree that providing certain information could be a key element for a selected application. It is going to discuss both points of view in this essay.  
  
According to some research, the company aims to utilize individual information to anticipate their availabilities as well as abilities. That determines how a selected person contributes to the job or distributes her or his time, and it is sometimes a primary factor to employ people in some specific positions. Therefore, it is agreed that what people do after office hours or their marital status holds a significant role. For instance, employers might not consider those whose interest is to participate in parties for a management job or a person who is married for a position that requires traveling frequently.  
  
On the contrary, some people think that it is unnecessary to indicate particular information because it would lead to discrimination. The application form could be reclined due to relationship statuses, which pertains to travel or inconsistent shifts. However, providing personal interests could enhance the possibility to be chosen for a suitable position. Indeed is an example at which candidate has to fill in their extra information.  
  
In conclusion, the benefits of presenting personal data are to bring one towards extensive opportunities, while others disagree with it and believe that they should keep their data private in order to prevent unfairness. Nevertheless, an applicant ought to cooperate in allowing to let the employers know their life interests for both benefits.  
  
(279 words)
Your vocabulary is rich and you have good collocations. It is well done!  
However, from my point of view, you should shorten the introduction by combining single sentences into complex sentences. It is recommended that you only write 2-3 sentences in that part. Moreover, in the first paragraph, I think you should state your topic sentence clearly at first. The second paragraph has a better structure.  
  
These are the things I know to enhance writing skill. I hope you will get your expected score :)
Hi, I think there are some problems with your written essay.  
The first problem lies on your body paragraphs, where the ideas are put in an irrelevant structure. Never start your body paragraph with a detailed sentence. Always remember to write an opening statement like "an umbrella" of all of the ideas within the paragraph. This means that all the following setences must be used to support your opening statement, not to state new ideas.  
  
The second problems is that your introduction and your conclusion are not completely connected. You should always mention your opinion in the introduction paragraph and restate it in the conclusion paragraph. All you have to do is just paraphrasing your own introduction. This would help you avoid losing score in TA and CC criteria.
Han, let's look at the GRA and C&C problems of your essay first. When considering the clarity of your essay, it normally comes across as redundant because you are being too wordy in your presentations. Take for example when you said "... indicate particular information", you could simply said "indicated information" because "information" is understood to be "particular" to the discussion. Therefore, "particular information" does not help to clarify what you are trying to say. Avoid saying "... has to" when indicating "required" information. In this instance, the information is required so you could have said "must fill in information", as the information is not optional. Saying "has to" is not very academic sounding.  
  
A bigger point of clarity in your essay is in your discussion instruction paraphrase. There is a missing subject in the sentence "It is going to discuss both points of view in this essay." The more proper presentation would have been:  
  
*After carefully considering the two public points of view, I believe that I can formulate an educated personal assessment of the discussion.*  
  
The above discussion instruction paraphrase is clear and to the point. Your version is lacking in clarity and conciseness.  
  
Do not cite research, specially non-sourced sources in this type of essay. You will score best when using personal examples and experiences. Your presentation would have been stronger if you had instead said:  
  
*Employers often wish to get to know their applicants better during the interview process. That is why they require additional data during the registration process. The employers believe that there are benefits to requiring background information because...  
  
However, there are some concerns regarding this requirement coming from some job-seekers because...  
  
Personally, I believe that...  
  
In the end, it appears that...*  
  
Watch out for your vocabulary usage. Reclined means to set at an angle while decline means to reject. The latter is the word you wanted to use.  
  
You almost got the concluding summary right. The problem is that you introduced new information at the end, which resulted in an open ended essay rather than a concluded essay. Remember, the last paragraph is a discussion wrap up that simply repeats the prompt topic, reasoning subjects, and personal opinion to close the essay.