dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Home schooling belongs to the past and is unacceptable in the modern society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
Use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.**  
  
In the past, home schooling was quite a remarkable idea and it seemed like the most natural way of teaching, but in present times it has come under scrutiny. It is agreed that Home schooling is unacceptable in the modern age. By analyzing both the incapability of parents to teach contemporary education to their child as well as no scientific approach using in learning process at home.  
  
Every parent may not capable of teaching his or her child at home . Even those mums and dads succeeded at school ,could forget materials with the passage of time. For example, it is commonly understood that non professional teachers have break of study and practice. Unfortunately they may not enough good at all subjects than before to teach novice. Thus this makes it clear why home schooling cannot be supported in 21st century .  
  
At home Parents, mentors and others ; moreover, probably use own method in teaching apprentices . Such method may not match with any scientific method that is highly required for job market or running businesses where child have to perform ultimately in future .For example, adolescence need modern approaches to be taught effectively. This effectiveness cannot be provided with offspring at own places. That is why the experience of professional teachers are demanded in today's world .  
  
In summary, parents' hindrance to their children's learning process and non effective method operate to retard a student ability to learn new information .Thus it is clear why the idea of having home schooling cannot be supported. It is very detrimental for student's future who will lead our world in new and prosperous direction.
education to their ~~child~~children as well as  
  
Every parent may not **be** capable of teaching ~~his or her child~~it is okay to say their instead of her or his at home  
  
... dads succeeded at school ,**They**could forget ...  
  
~~have break of study and practice~~ . take a break from study and practice  
  
Unfortunately they ~~may not enough good~~may not BE good enough, remember that the word good is an adjective at all subjects  
  
probably use **their**own method in teaching apprentices  
  
where child ~~have~~ has to perform ...  
  
Hi hope it helps to improve your academic writing. it seems you have problem with subject+verb agreement as wel as have problem whether or not the word is verb or adj. goodluck for your next writing
hii  
  
In the past, home schooling ...  
  
*In my opinion, your have a clear position in your task response but your explanation need more strong reason why do you agree with home schooling is unacceptable. You should mention your reason and more specific explanation. Which is because a good overview will attract people/examiner to read anymore.*  
  
Every parent may not capable of ...  
  
*Your explanation in this paragraph is not strong to support your opinion. I think it needs more explanation why moms and dads forget materials. Also, you must specify certain materials that they forget. In addition, your example not reflects and support your main idea. So, I hope you pay attention more and more for that, because it will reduce your coherence cohesion.*  
  
At home Parents,mentors and others ; moreover, probably use ...  
  
*In would argue that you give addition idea in this paragraph. As you mention before in your task response, you said that parents are not capable to teach in scientific method, but in this paragraph you mention mentor and others. So, it reduces your coherence and cohesion more and more. Please pay attention for this.*  
  
**Thank you  
Keep writing, :)**
**Some say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion**  
  
Improving public health by rising the sum of sport facilities is generally believed by many people, while others assume it does not have significant effect on public health and needs other solutions. It is agreed to some extent that sport amenities could improve one's health; however, I firmly believe another solution, such as building hospital which can be afford by the poor would play important role in increasing public health.  
  
It is well-known fact that sports could keep you being healthy, because by working out, for example, in sport facilities, your body will be sweating, which is great to improve indvidual's health. For example, many people in vibrant city will go to gym when they want to exercise due to lack of public space to do as such in out door. When they go to the gym, they have to be a member and pay some money in order to harness its facilities, which is not everyone will get the benefits because some people do not have much amount of money.  
  
Since the idea is to increase public health, so everyone should get the advantages from it and that is the primary reason why another measure, such as establishing affordable infirmaries, is needed. This is because when rich people can go to the gym as well as a decent and expensive hospital so as to maintain their health; on the other hand, the poor can go to affordable infirmaries to buy medicine they need. Because when it comes to improve public health, the first thing we can do is by providing affordable medicine and hospital for every person.  
  
In light of what has been said, although the sport facilities could improve one's health, but it is not play significant role to improve public health. Thus, another solution like affordable hospital is needed. By doing as such, I could assure public health will increase significantly.
Hi Amril,  
Let me just rushing to my feedback. Hope this helps :)  
  
1st paragraph:  
- Improving public health by ~~rising~~raising the sum of sport facilities is generally believed by ~~many~~some people (Some and many are different. Avoid over-generalizing)(comma is unnecessary if the connector is between two clauses (except contrast connectors)) while others assume it does not ~~have~~give significant ~~effect~~impact on public health and therefore, need~~s~~ other solutions.  
  
- ... one's health. (using semicolon is okay, but it is not suggested. It is suggested to be separated into a new sentence)However, I firmly believe ~~with another solution, such as~~that by building more hospitals, it can help people with low financial condition to increase their health condition and make healthcare facilities affordable for them in order to improve public health.~~which can be afford by the poor would play important role in increasing public health.~~  
  
Apart from the above-mentioned feedback and after reading the whole essay, I reckon that your discussion wasn't about both views. It is indeed you were talking about sport facilities, but you've forgotten the keywords for this topic i.e. "increasing the sport facilities". In the first BODY paragraph, it is unfortunate that you have written "different" focus. You explained about the benefits of sport facilities, but not the "increasing sport facilities" part. For instance, you can just write  
  
*Increasing the number of sport facilities is the best solution to improve public health. This is because if the number of sport amenities develop, so does healthy people. For example, Jakarta has 400 kinds of fitness centers which can be used by approximately more than 5000 people. As a result, the number of healthy people is growing in line with the growth of the sport facilities itself.*  
  
Because you only addressed half part of the task, I think it is still difficult for this essay to reach 6 or above dude. Keep practicing!!
**Writing IELTS Task 1- the problem people have when they go move to other countries**  
  
The proportion of the kind of problems that happen for citizens who move to overseas live based on the age is provided by the bar graph. Overall, it can be seen that the secondary age people are the problematical persons. While, all of the people tend to easy to get school for their sons and daughters.  
  
Sorting out finances is the biggest problems for middle age people . meanwhile, the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people.  
  
Then, shorting out health care is the Highers difficult proportion of people in the age 34-35 . Even-thought, it is slightly difference to people who have age over 55 years. Then, the youth people just get over 35% this problem.  
  
Furthermore, elder people tend to get the lowest proportion for finding school for their children of difficulty. In contrast, the middle age get higher proportion than the people in the age 34-35 years old  
  
*
Hi Pramudiana,  
  
At first glance, I can notice that your essay has some issues related to fragmented sentences, grammatical accuracy, and punctuation problems. This can be avoided in the next practice by considering the feedback below. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The proportion of ~~the~~various kind of problems that ~~happen for~~ citizens experience ~~who move to overseas live~~while living in overseas based on the age group is ~~provided by~~depicted in the bar chart~~graph.~~  
  
- Overall, it can be seen that ~~the secondary age people~~people in the middle age group are the ~~problematical persons~~the group that has the highest frequency of problems among two other age groups.  
  
- ~~While~~Meanwhile , all of the people tend to feel that it is easy to ~~get~~find the appropriate school for their sons and daughters.  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- Turning to a more detailed analysis,s orting out finances is the biggest problem~~s~~ for people in the middle age group~~people~~ .  
- (mind the CAPITALIZATION. It might look simple but it is included as one of the essential marking criteria)Meanwhile , avoiding this problem is easier for the older people rather than young people.~~the elderly people tend to be easier for avoiding this problem than younger people~~  
  
Cheers :)
Hi Pramudiana..  
Welcome to Essay Forum. I am delighted to tell that you have been a right website to develop your skill. In this section, I review about your grammar of the writing. Please, meet my note and deal with them.  
  
... kind of problems ~~that happen~~ HAPPENING(you should reduce it) for citizens who (...) is provided ~~by~~ IN the bar graph. ~~While~~ MEANWHILE (When you wanna harness the conjunction "WHEN", you have to remember the pattern S V, WHEN S V. There needs a comma, not a period) , all of the people tend to ~~easy to~~ get EASILY school for ...  
  
Sorting out finances is the biggest problems for middle age people . meanwhile, the elderly ...  
(Where is the detailed information?. In the body paragraph, you have to order interesting trend and display detailed. Besides that, you keep in your mind that each good paragraph consists more than 2 sentences)  
  
Even-thought, it is slightly difference ...  
Avoid using EVEN THOUGH in the formal writing. You should use although, but you must remember the pattern--- S V Although S V or Although S V, SV)  
  
Then  
repetition. you are supposed to harness transitive words properly.  
  
You have made a big error because almost all data have been not explained detailed. Please, you do not fall the same mistake.  
  
Hopefully, these can help you.  
Keep Spirit  
GOOD LUCK
Hello Pram!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. I see you have a good conclusion, but I think it is not cover all of the graph says.  
Let see the example below:  
Generally, eldery people and and middle people have sorting out health as the first problem they straight to, meanwhile for young people, looking for money is the biggest problem and for the fewer, all ages choose searching schools for children become the easier one.  
  
2. Wrong data  
"Sorting out finances is ~~the biggest problems for middle age people~~  
Based in picture, the biggest problem of middle age is sorting out finance. It will be true if you say:  
For young people, looking for money is the biggest problem they have. A problem experienced by just 34 percent. Meanwhile, society with age 35-54 choose money as the second problem **although the percentage is bigger than young people which is 35 percent**. Only about 23 percent people over 55 have this problem.  
  
3. Less sentence. A paragraph should consists of 3 sentences at least.  
Look at your paragraph below:  
Paragraph 2 -> **(2 Sentences)**  
Paragrapah 4 -> **( 2 sentences)**  
  
*Pay attention to your punctuation.*  
  
I hope it can be useful for you.  
Keep practice to make it perfect :)
hallo  
  
i would like to concern in your introduction and overview  
The proportion of the kind of problems that happen ...  
  
here is my suggestions  
  
**Introduction:**  
data of three common problems for people living in foreign countries are showed in the bar graph, which is measured in proportion .  
  
**overview:**  
it is clear that category 35-45 mostly faces the highest level of problems in finance, healthcare, and finding school for their children while those problems are prone to decline in people aged over 55 years old.
Hi Pramudia27 , I'm trying to make some comments  
  
1. ... the secondary age people ~~are~~is the problematical persons  
It is talking about group, so use verb in plural form  
  
2. ...health care is the ~~Highers~~highest difficult proportion of ...  
Higher is used for comparative and for superlative use -est. In that sentence, it tells about the most high, hence, use highest  
  
3. ... people just get ~~over~~to about 35% this problem.  
Maybe it is better to use 'to about'
The bar chart gives information about the various of difficulties that people experience when they stay in overseas, according to some of the age groups. Overall, the much higher problem that people experience in all group age is at 35-54 years old, and the most less problem is choosing of education for children.  
  
Based on the bar chart, people sort out the finances increase slightly from around 34 to 35 at age 35-54. After that, there are a slight fall under 30 of the oldest. Which is the fewest along the age.  
  
The other hand, the middle age experience a significant increase of difficulty in shorting out health care from age group before, at about 35 people. The next age group people experience decrease slightly at 36.  
  
Finding education institute is the most less problem in all of age group, which the most higher is happen in the middle age. Which is at 55 and over experience fall dramatically than age 18-34.  
  
To sum up, the most higher problem experience in all age is shorting in healthcare and the most less problem is in finding school for the children.  
  
*
Hi badafebriani17. Here are my suggestions for you:  
  
First, i would like to correct your grammatical structure.  
  
Overall, the ~~much higher~~highest problematic problem that people (...), and the ~~most~~ less problem is ...  
  
or you can write this  
Overall, the people having age 35-54 get the most problematic problem while finding a school of their children is the least tricky factor among all range of age.  
  
After that, there ~~are~~is a slight fall ...  
Which is the fewest along the age==> "which" is used to describe the noun .  
  
Suggestions:  
actually, you can change some words to avoid repetition. For example: 35-54 years old can be replaced to middle age. age 18-34 can be replaced to "young people".  
  
try to make a clear paragraphing. you can make an main idea for each paragraph.  
  
Goodluck
Hi Bada,  
  
... the various of difficulties ~~that~~which(it is better to use which than that in IELTS test) people experience when ...  
Overall, the much higher problemS~~that~~which people ~~experience~~face in all group age (...), and the ~~most less~~least problem is choosing ~~of~~ education for children.  
  
... a slight fall under 30 percent of the oldest.  
  
On the other hand , the middle age experience (...), at about 35 ~~people~~percent .  
  
Finding education institute is the ~~most less~~least problem in all of ...  
  
~~To sum up, the most higher problem experience in all age is shorting in healthcare and the most ...~~  
  
- I think you need to understand the question first so you can describe it well.  
- In task 1, if you already make the overview, you don't need to make a conclusion.  
- it is better to make at least 3 paragraph in the task 1  
  
Hopefully it helps.
Hi badafebriani17,  
1. Overall, the much higher problem that ...  
In overall, there is a comparison about the problems that people experience, hence give the comparison  
  
2. there ~~are~~is a slight fall ...  
Because only discuss about one chart, use singular form 'is  
  
3. The other ~~hand~~hands  
Other meets plural noun, so hand should be replaced by hands  
  
4. ... experience decrease slightly ~~at~~to 36  
verb + at is used to express a level, but in this sentence, it is talking about level that want to reach, therefore, use preposition to
***The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries.***  
  
The chart compares the problems of citizen when stay in other countries based on different ages. All in all, the most severe issues of moving abroad is experienced by the middle age for all types of difficulty.  
  
The biggest problem about money are experienced by age group 35-54 around 35 percent, then people ages 18-34 with the percentage is under 35 percent. While, the oldest age category finds it as the smallest problem approximately 28 percent. For the healthy problem, 38 percent is the biggest feature that underwent by people ages 35-54 then people over 55 years old, with the percentage is under 38 percent. A bit different the percentage of old people, just around 32 percent is young people have healthy problem. On the other hand, the last problem people are finding school for their children, 19 percent is the percentage of second last age of people. It is the higher percentages if compares with young people and old people. People have 18-34 years-old is the second highest after middle age about 6 percent and then just 2 percent is over 55 years-old.  
  
*
Hi reski,  
  
... middle age for all types of ~~difficulty~~difficulties.  
  
People ~~have~~in 18-34 years-old group is the second highest after ...  
- It is better to make 2 sentences in the overview.  
- 3 paragraphs are better than only 2 paragraphs in task 1.  
- don't explain all the details, you need to do grouping so that you can describe it better.  
- you can use words : youngest, elderly, and middle age so that you can get more various explanation.  
  
Hopefully it helps.
Hi Reski..  
Welcome to Essay Forum. Enjoy your process because you have been the right medium to boost your skill. Let me help you to finalize this.  
  
The chart compares the problems of citizenS when THEY stay in ANother ~~countries~~ COUNTRY based on different age GROPUs. ~~All in all,~~ OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT the most severe issues of moving abroad is experienced by the middle age for all types of difficulty. IN ANY CASE, THE LIGHTEST MATTER FOR ALL GROUPS IS FINDING FORMAL EDUCATION FOR THEIR FAMILY.  
  
*(Keep in your mind that each paragraph is supposed to consist of more than 2 sentences. Therefore, you should create 2 sentence for the overview).*  
  
The biggest problem about money are experienced by age group 35-54 around 35 percent, ~~then~~ WHILE people ~~ages~~ AGING18-34 YEARS ~~with~~ HAS the percentage ~~is~~ BEING under 35 percent. ~~While~~(WHILE is a conjunction, not a transitive word) FOLLOWING THAT, the oldest age category ...  
  
... 38 percent is the biggest ~~feature~~ PROPORTION that IS underwent by ~~people ages~~ THE AGE GROUP OF 35-54 YEARS then people over 55 years old, ~~with the percentage is under~~ REPRESENTING AT BELOW 38 percent.  
  
... just around 32 percent ~~is~~ OF young people have THE healthy problem.  
... people are finding THE school for their children, WHERE *(When you wanna merge 2 sentences, do not forget to include the conjunction)*19 percent is the ...  
It is the higher percentages ~~if compares with young people and old people~~ AMONGST ALL AGE GROUPS. People ~~have~~ HAVING 18-34 years-old is the second ...  
  
I hope these can help you to improve your ability.  
I really believe you can master this skill if you wanna provide much time to practice more and more.  
Keep Spirit  
GOOD LUCK  
:D
Hi Reski, I'm trying to make some corrections.  
1. ... the problems of ~~citizen~~citizens ...  
On the question, there are many persons, so to paraphrase people use plural form, citizen become citizens  
2. The biggest problem about money ~~are~~is experienced by ...  
Only one problem, so change it into singular from, are become is  
3. While, the oldest age category finds ~~it~~ as the smallest ...  
'it' is a subject, so after verb use an object  
4. the biggest feature that underwent ~~by~~ in people ages 35-54 ...
1. be careful with singular and plural (citizen---->citizens) (ages-------> age groups)(you must mention who have the age)  
----> ... the problems of citizens when they (add subject) stay in other countries based on different age~~s~~groups .  
2. for overview find interesting point and use phrase to overview such as : (it is noticeable that .... or overall,it is immediately apparent that...)  
it is immediately apparent that the most severe issues of moving abroad ...  
3. be careful with grammatical sentence (subject+verb+agreement)  
People have 18-34 years-old is ...  
-----> People having 18-34 years-old is the second highest after middle age at 6 percent and just 2 percent is over 55 years-old.
**The chart and table below give information about health care resources and life expectancy in different countries.**  
  
The bar graph shows how many hospital beds used to hospitalized patients measured in thousands in eight different countries while the table gives information about the expenditure of Japan, Netherlands, and US on the health care.  
  
It is clear that the largest number of medical care is used in Japan. This contrasts to America that spends more money on the health sector.  
  
14 thousand hospital beds have been utilized in Japan and it becomes the highest use among the other countries presented. Germany in this term is seen as the second largest country that serves amount of health facilities, with 8 thousand beds used in the hospitals.  
  
The table reveals that The United States of America spends the most expensive health care for each citizen accounted for almost 7 thousand dollars per person, but it only reaches 78 of average life expectancy. This is slightly lower if it is compared to Japan which is expends under 3 thousand dollars per person to obtain higher expectancy of life made for 83.  
  
*