dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Raeni, below are my thoughts on your analysis essay.  
  
- is used in ~~the concrete production~~producing concrete . - Overall it can be seen that ~~to make a~~in making concrete,  
- ~~the~~ cement is needed as ...  
  
- Before ~~going to~~ the concrete production,  
- the cement production ~~is going~~goes first.  
- ~~The manufacture of~~Manufacturing cement  
- ~~involves~~has five stages.  
- The first stage of cement production is when the limestone and clay ~~is ground by~~is thrown into the crusher  
- ~~into a~~to become powder.  
-~~After that, the~~The powder is then  
- rotated to ~~make~~create a mixture.  
- The heated mixture~~s~~ is carried by the conveyor  
- ~~In this step, the final cement are~~This process will produce~~d~~cement and is ready to be packed into bags.  
  
There you have Raeni, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision, I made sure to leave you with the last paragraph, in order for you to practice editing the essay yourself and this should develop your proof reading skills too.
The diagram illustrates the process of water cycle happened both in the surface and inside of the earth. Overall, it can be seen that the water circulation involves several steps beginning from the land to the sky and back again.  
  
To begin with, the sun as the driver of the cycle, provides an energy to evaporate water from Earth's surface such as ocean, lake, and river. The plants also produce a vapour as a result of transpiration. The wind carries the vapours to the cooler temperature and condenses into tiny droplets in clouds. When the clouds meet the cooler temperature in the highland, the droplets become heavier and fall down as a precipitation.  
  
After that, most of precipitation flows the downhill as and return to the river and the ocean. Some of them soaks into the ground and trapped in either the lake or rock as ground water. Eventually, this trapped water will also return to the ocean.  
  
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Aloha, here is my thought;  
  
[..] the process of **water cycle** (you can also say'water loop' ) [...]  
To begin with, ~~the sun as the driver of the cycle, provides an~~ (do not use comma ) (the sun, the driver of the cycle process, provides [...] ) energy to evaporate water from the Earth's surface [...].  
  
also, The plants ~~also~~ produce [...]. (you'd better use "also" in the beginning of sentence to keep your flow )  
then, The wind carries the vapours [...]  
  
OVERALL, YOU HAVE MINOR ERROR IN GRAMMAR, YET YOUR FLOW IS , SOMETIMES, NOT CONNECTED BETWEEN TWO SENTENCES. I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN BE MORE IMPROVED BY MORE PRACTICE
The bar chart reveals the billion USD of the main exports namely: meat products, dairy products and international tourism in Someland in 2005, 2015 and it also indicates future projects for 2025.  
  
It can be clearly seen that international tourism will become the dominant industry while the tendency of meat products will fall moderately.  
According to the data, international tourism earned just over 6 billion USD, which is the highest figure shown on the chart in 2005. By contrast, meat products were the lowest overall exports, with around 4 billion USD.  
  
In 2015, dairy products were the first key industry in Someland, which reached the top approximately at 8 billion USD. There were two extremes of two other exports. Meat products continued to drop moderately while international tourism increased significantly over 6 billion USD.  
  
It is estimated that in 2025, international tourism will earn around 8 billion for the country. Expexts are predicting that export of dairy products will have a slight decrease, so the figure of 7,5 billion USD is expected for 2025, while meat products will continue to decrease and reach the lowest at 3,5 billion USD in the future  
  
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heloo nyy  
I have some suggestions for you  
hope it can improve your writing skill  
  
The bar chart reveals the billion USD of the main exports namely: meat ...  
the bar chart reveals the information about the vital exports in three products in Someland over two decades started from 2005 measured in USD billion.  
  
... 6 billion USD, which ~~is~~was the highest figures~~shown on the chart~~ in 2005.  
  
... in Someland, ~~which~~ reached the top..  
~~There were two extremes of two other exports.~~  
  
~~It is estimated that~~Surprisingly in 2025, international ...  
~~Expexts~~Exports are predicting that export (...) at 3,5 billion USD ~~in the future~~  
  
thanks
A breakdown of International Tourist Arrivals in five regions between 1995 and 2010 is depicted by using line chart. Overall, United States of America placed in the top among all in that fifteen years, followed by France that had the most significant change. In addition, there were two countries that stood in the lowest position.  
  
It can be seen that USA had only general increase from 70 in the beginning to just below 90 in 2010. Although it increased until reached 90 in 2005, but a very tiny fall occurred in the rest of year. However, the other countries had positive trend in all years. The most tremendous upward trend was represented by France that almost threefold larger than in the beginning and made it had the same value with USA in 2010.  
  
Furthermore, Malaysia, which had the third place, went up more than two times from 20. In the lowest position, in 1980 Brazil made a very slight difference with Egypt that just a little below ten. Then, both crossed each other between 1995 and 2000 and finally Egypt hit the fourth rank a little below 20, while Brazil in the last standing at just above 10.
Hi faiz.  
first of all, another time when you want to upload the task 1 essay, please remember to add the picture in order to make us easy as your reader reading your essay.  
  
... represented by France that **GOT** almost threefold larger (...) had the same value ~~with~~**AS** USA in 2010  
  
one important note that you should bear in mind is providing such introductory sentence to let the readers know that the 'thing' which is experiencing 'went up, increased , etc' is not Malaysia or others BUT the figure for them or the number of them.  
  
lastly, it would be better if you group them by the year instead of the country. Because in task one, we are being asked to use language of comparison, or in another word, compare them.
A breakdown of the information regarding international tourists arrived~~International Tourist Arrivals~~ in five different regions between 1995 and 2010 is depicted by ~~using~~ the line chart.Overall, USA broke the record as the highest one. In any case, ....~~United States of America placed in the top ...~~  
  
~~In addition, there were two countries ...~~  
  
***Hi Faizuna, it is important to attach the picture, so we can discuss together.  
  
KEEP WRITING :)***
**The maps below show changes that took place in Brandenburg in over a 20-year period from 1990 to 2010.**  
  
The map illustrates the alterations that have occurred in Brandenburg for over 20-year period started in 1990 and ending in 2010. Overall, it can be seen that many green fields were converted to several infrastructures.  
  
To begin with, there are some changes in residential area in western side of the river. Almost all of the green fields in the south-west of the river replaced by supermarket and two block of flats. Between them the new road had been built. Moving to the north-west side of the river, block of flats had been built nearby the lake.  
  
There were also a significant alterations in eastern part of the town where the airport had been built in the outer city behind the school. Turning to the south-west of the town, a large factory had been built behind a new railway which was constructed along the coast and continuing to cross the west side of the river. In addition to this, a ferry port was developed in eastern coastline.  
  
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The diagram shows the information about the stages in the chocolate production. Overall, the process involves ten steps people made linear process. The first step was find the source of chocolate from cacao tree and end results in pressed liquid chocolate.  
  
The first stage of chocolate production, the chocolate can be found in South Amerca, Africa and Indonesia. Moreover, the cacao tree will produce the white cocoa beans. Moving to the another parts that the white cocoa beans should be fermented in the large box. As time goes on, the beans was put in the large box and was spread in sun to dry conditions. Furthermore, the beans was put in large sacks.  
  
Turning to the shipment, the beans was transported by train and lorry to the factory. The beans was roasted in 350 o C. Furthermore, the outer shell was removed to get the beans. More broadly, the beans was crushed by machine. In the end of the stages, it was the crucial part that was inner part pressed then the liquid of chocolate was produced.  
  
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Dear Andika, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
The first step ~~was find~~**is finding** the source of chocolate ...  
  
...the chocolate can ~~be found~~**find** in South Amerca, Africa and Indonesia.  
  
....the beans ~~was put~~**is putting** in the large box and ~~was spread~~**is spreading** in sun to dry conditions.  
  
...the beans ~~was put~~**is putting** in large sacks.  
  
...the beans ~~was~~**are** transported by train ...  
  
The beans ~~was~~**are** roasted in 350 o C.  
  
...the outer shell ~~was~~**is** removed to get the beans.  
  
...the beans ~~was~~**are** crushed by machine.  
  
Regards
hello dika  
I have some suggestions for you  
hope it helps  
  
... about the stages ~~in~~on the chocolate production.  
... steps people made with a linear process. The first step was to find the source (...) and ~~end~~the results in pressed liquid chocolate.  
  
... in South Amerca, Africa,<<< using comma and Indonesia.  
  
As time goes on, the beans ~~was~~are put in the large box ...  
Furthermore, the beans ~~was~~are put in large sacks.  
  
I think it better to use simple present  
  
thanks
hi Dika, these are my thought towards your essay  
  
...The ~~diagram shows~~diagrams show the information about...  
[i think there are more than one diagram]  
  
Overall, the process involves ten steps people ...  
[ i have alternative sentence : Overall, the chocolate making process involves ten steps beginning from plant the cocoa trees to chocolate manufacturing in the factory. ]  
  
... can be found in South Ameri ca, Africa and Indonesia...  
... large box and was spread **in sun to dry conditions**.  
[ ... the beans was pt in the large box, then it was spread in the board so it can be dried under the sun ]  
  
... roasted in 350 o C (centigrade) .  
... crucial part that ~~was~~ inner part was pressed then the liquid ...  
  
thank you
The map reveals the information regarding the alteration in Brandenburg in the course of two periods. Overall, there was a significant improvement with some facilities that had been built in this city.  
  
Looking to the left side of river, in 1990, there were many houses and green areas in this city. Moreover, it could be seen that only one a big house and apartment existed in this area. However in 2010, the flats were by far predominated in the left hand corner and house areas had been removed. Furthermore, the supermarket was constructed near by apartments and the railway was built to connect the left and right city.  
  
Turning to the right side, by 1990, the school and hospital had been built in this area and railway station was constructed as well. It could be seen that near by the station there were big green areas and several settlements that had been built. However, in 2010, the forest was cut-down and replaced by a labor building, while other buildings remained unchanged.  
  
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The diagram reveals the information about several steps of making cement for construction. Overall, the process divided into two ways with the artificial machine to produce cement and concrete.  
  
Initially, cement production has five stages. The limestone and clay are destroyed by crusher so that produce a powder. After that, it through a mixer and run off the pipe. Then, it entrances the rotating heater to burn the materials became liquid. The next step is the materials are grinded by grinder to produce cement. Eventually, it was packed and ready to continue the next process.  
  
Turning to produce concrete, there is only one stage to make a building. Besides cement, it also needs raw material to make it perfect. The phase is all of the materials pour into concrete mixer machine. It contains several materials, the first substance is cement as much 15%. Second, water at around one out of ten. The third material is sand at approximately a quarter. The last ingredient is gravel which is twice as much than sand.  
  
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As we know, Samsung, One of the biggest company in the world the which produced many gadgets such as mobile phones, cameras and many more. Recently, It Became trending topics Because they decided to recall galaxy note 7 Because many cases where it was exploded. It caused revenue of samsung decrease extremely. After that, in America Also occurs same problem, they give information about the recall to the wash machine Because many problems like smsung galaxy note 7. The recall involves 34 models of top-load washing machines made between March 2011 and November 2016 and costing $ 450- $ 1.500.
~~As we know,~~In this day and age, Samsungis one of the biggest ~~company~~companies in the world the which ...  
Recently, It ~~Became~~became trending topics ~~Because~~since they decided to recall galaxy note 7 ~~Because~~because of many cases where ...  
It ~~caused~~gave rise to revenue of ...  
~~After that,~~Subsequently, in America ~~Also~~also~~occurs~~occured same problem, they ~~give~~gave information about the recall ... ~~Because~~because many problems like ...  
**Hi Alfin, the major mistakes is regarding upper case later, so please take it into your consideration.**
Alfin, for starters, you do know the rules for writing proper nouns right? The first letter has to be capitalized. You will notice that in your article summary, you failed to capitalize the name of the company (Samsung) and the cellphone model (Galaxy Note 7). Please note that you will be graded on Grammatical accuracy every step of the way so the rules of writing will apply and will be scored in the tests. You are definitely going to lose points for this error on your part in this essay. You were careless in your writing and you did not bother to proof read your work before submission. This is evident because you wrote "America Also" instead of the more correct "America also" form. Your information feels incomplete. Mostly because the summary is too short and obviously lacks references to some information such as the amount of decline in the Samsung income and the problems that relate to the Samsung washing machine problems. The information regarding those events were in the article but you failed to note it in your summary.
The diagrams describe the process of the chocolate making. Overall, it can be seen that there are 10 steps in making the chocolate including the pods growing stages and factory producing stages.  
  
To begin, the cacao trees are grown in South America, Africa and some region of Indonesia. The ripe red pods from cocoa trees are harvested and the white cocoa beans are then removed from them. Next, the removed white cocoa beans are fermented and then laid them out on a large board so that they can be dried under the sun. The dried cocoa beans are put in a large sack then taken to the chocolate factory using railway or lorry. In the factory, the beans are roasted in 350 centigrade oven. After that, the roasted beans are crushed to remove their outer shell. In the final stage, the inner part of roasted beans are pressed and the liquid chocolate are produce.  
  
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The map reveals the information about the improvement in Stokeford area by two periods. Overall, there was significant alteration with some facilities that had been built in this city.  
  
Looking to the south area first, by 1930, there were many farmlands near by river Stoke and there was a big settlement with large gardens. It also could be seen that there were motor way which connected from south to the north part. However in 2010, the farmland had been replaced with the construction of accommodations which showed a significant improvement. Surprisingly, a large garden had been renovated by several houses and street.  
  
Turning to the north area, by 1930, the post office and shop centers had been built in this village. It was also followed by primary school and several occupy which located in northern of the city. Surprisingly, in 2010, the shops did not exist anymore and replaced with residential area whereas post office remained unchanged. The elementary school was redeveloped to modernized building and several houses were developed as well.  
  
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Hello I will give you my correction.  
  
... improvement in Stokeford area during two periods. Overall, there was significant difference with some facilities ...  
  
this is my tips for you  
1. Please don't write too many words (at least 150 maximum 165) >>when you write more words it probably make your sentence wrong and reduce your score .  
  
2. Use contractions and attention your speling  
3. don't give opininan in task 1  
4. Use the wrong tone (essays are always formal)  
  
Thankyou
The map reveals the information about the development in Brandenburg in the course of two decades started in 1990. Overall, it was essential to bear in mind that there were additional apartment and supermarket located in the west of the river, while the factory and airport were built in the east of the river.in addition, the construction of railway appeared to be true alongside the coast.  
  
As we can see that, the threes in the east of the river were cutting down and transform into the airport located near by the school, whereas factory in front of the sea. There is no more three in the alongside the sea. After that, two houses in front of parking had been relocated in the behind of the hospital. Furthermore, there is an extra railway through the length of the beach.  
  
Turning to the west of the river, houses and trees are knock-down to add apartment alongside the railway and supermarket as well. Then, two commercial buildings had been built near by lake which cutting down the trees. There were additional residential areas located behind the supermarket.  
  
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hi mr.riandi, these are my thought towards your essay  
  
The ~~map reveals~~maps reveal the information about ...  
[ i think there are two maps there]  
  
Overall, it was essential to bear in mind ...  
[ i think your overview is too detail ]  
  
...east of the river were ~~cutting~~ cut- down and transformed into ...  
There is no more three ~~in the~~ alongside the sea.  
... houses and trees ~~are~~were knocked -down to add apartment ...  
[ i have an alternative sentence : ... houses and trees were knocked-down and replaced by the block of flats alongside the railway... ]  
  
Then, **two commercial buildings** had been built near by lake ~~which~~ by cutting- down the trees.  
[ is there any information about commercial building ? ]  
  
thank you
**IELTS Summary TED The Happy Secret for Better Work**  
  
Shawn Anchor believes that our brain views can shapes our reality. Not only change our brain views, but also we can change the lens in which has effect on our happiness, educational and business outcome at the same time. He tried to find the key to understanding the science of happiness. He said that our external world is predictive of our happiness, we just know only 10 percent of long-term happiness. Fortunately, the most gives impact is how to our brain views processes of the world. That is the formula for happiness and success. We can change our mind, automatically we can affect reality. From his research, he find that only a quarter job successes are predicted by IQ, the rest are predicted by our optimism levels, social supports and the last our ability to see stress as a challenge. When our brain positive performs, it will rises other aspects such as creativity and energy.
... that our brain ~~views~~ POINT OF VIEWS can ~~shapes~~ SHAPE our reality.  
He tried to find the key to ~~understanding~~ UNDERSTAND the science of happiness.  
... of our happiness, we ~~just know only~~ SOMETIMES ONLY ACTIVATE ABOUT 10 percent of OUR long-term happiness. Fortunately, the ~~most gives~~ BIG impact is how ~~to~~ our brain views ...  
  
From his research, he ~~find~~ FOUND that only a quarter job ...  
When our ~~brain positive~~ POSITIVE THINKING performs, it will ~~rises~~ RISE other aspects ...
Dear Dioba, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
He tried to find the key to understand~~ing~~ the science of happiness.  
  
We can change our mind~~, automatically we can affect reality.~~**and can affect reality automatically.**  
  
...he ~~find~~**found** that only a quarter job successes ~~are~~**were** predicted by IQ,...  
  
...the rest ~~are~~**were** predicted by our optimism levels,...  
  
...it will ~~rises~~**grow** other aspects such ...  
  
Regards
Dioba, do us a favor and include the link to the video that you watched ok? It is a bit difficult for us to assess your work when we cannot analyze the video personally for comparison with your summary. Basically, your summary left me with some unanswered questions. I wonder if the video provided the answer but you did not finish watching the video so you did not realize that the questions had answers in the later part of the presentation? Some questions that the reader is left with include:  
  
1. Did Shawn Anchor find the key to happiness through his research? What was his hypothesis regarding this idea?  
2. How does our brain change or shape our view of reality?  
3. What did you mean by "The most that gives impact..."? What is the most?  
4. How does changing our mind automatically affect reality?  
  
When you write a summary, you are not supposed to leave the reader with more questions rather than answers to the article, video, or audio recording that you listened to. Make sure to preempt any questions that the summary may pose and include responses to them. As you can see, while you were listening to and watching the video, you could have noted more keywords or information that could have led to a more informative summary.
**Writing Task 1 : Process - The frog life cycle**  
  
The given diagram illustrates the life cycle of a frog. Overall, it can be seen that the life cycle of the frog involves about seven steps begun from the eggs stage to the adult frog stages.  
  
The first step of the frog metamorphosis is begun when the female frogs lay their eggs in wet places or water. After several times the cells in the eggs grow massively and come to form an embryo. In the next stages, the embryo turn into a baby frog namely tadpole. This tadpole has a long tail and still lives in the water. After several times, the tadpole begins to change, its front legs starts to grow and the tadpole's tail also become smaller.  
  
In the next stage, the frog is preparing to life one the land when the lungs begin to develop and the frog starts the pulmonary breathing. This tadpole becomes more froglike and comes up from the water. In the final stage, a fully developed frog with lungs, legs and no tail begins to life on the land as an adult frog.  
  
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