dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Who's Responsible for children's health?

  
  
Health is the most important, but many children have an unhealthy lifestyle .Nowadays they spend long hours in front of televisions or computers.They hold smart phones all day to play video game or go on social media.They do not do enough exercise or play sports.Also, children tend to consume too much fast food and soda which are not good for health.  
  
On one hand, both parents and school should take the responsibility for this problem.Because, parents raise the children and take care for them every day.They have a great effect on their children.Therefore, they should set an example for their children.They should limit the hours their children can watch television, use smart phone,etc.They should spend more time to play sports, do exercise or go picnic with their children as well. Beside parents should provide them more vegetable and fruit and try to have meal together.About the school,where the children are educated knowledge and skills, they spend about 6 to 8 hours a day at school.So schools should include regular exercise in student's timetable, such as physical education or compulsory sports.  
  
On the other hand, i think the government are responsible for children's health too.They should teach people know how to have a healthy lifestyle.Beside, the government should build more public play ground, in order everyone can play sports and do exercise together.  
  
In conclusion, i believe the government has the responsibility for slove these problem.However,parents and teachers, who are regularly contact to the children, still take the main responsibility for helping children have good health.  
  
Hi, please give me some comments for my writing!Thank you all
## Writing task 1 from practice test 2 ( Cam 1 )

  
  
Please give me a feedback about my writing, I'm self-studying and willing to enhance my skill  
  
The figure illustrates how the Australian Bureau of Meteorology gathers up-to-the minute information on the climate in order to manufacture truthful forecasts. Overall, there are eight steps, beginning with the incoming information from satellite and ending with broadcast.  
  
As you can observe from the first step,in order to get a data to be analysed and forecasted,the information have to be gathered exactly as possible on every single minute about the climate.Which comes from a satellite, a radar and a drifting buoy. Then, all the data that have been gathered are sent to headquarter,which is Australian Bureau of Meteorology as satellite photos, radar screens, synoptic charts where it going to be analyzed and manufactured into truthful information. After this, the most reliable information that have been produced, will be prepared on computer to forecast. Eventually, the information will come to entire Australian's spectators via television's news, radio and recorded announcement from telephone.  
  
*
@katori  
Hello! Welcome to the forum. I'm here to hopefully provide you with feedback that'll be helpful for your writing. I wish you a continuous best of luck as you're learning!  
  
Firstly, I think that the introductory paragraph is sufficient already. You had a clear demonstration of your thoughts, making it easier for the readers to know what to anticipate next in the writing.  
  
What I would recommend, for the second paragraph, is to focus more on having necessary and relevant spacing throughout. As noticeable, the second paragraph appears to be rather cluttered and lacks appropriate pauses. Take a glance at the first sentence. It was noticeable how you could have separated this portion into two various parts. If you are able to do this, it'll make your writing easier to digest for the readers.  
  
Furthermore, the portion that starts with 'eventually' could have been utilized as a proper conclusive remark for the writing. It could have been better if you attempted to have a more sophisticated approach to the whole idea. If you, for instance, capped it properly by saying that this is the method of transmission for forecasts and left it at that, it would have been a better option for you.
Thank for your most trustable feedback@Maria  
Even when I'm writing the body of this task, I still get confused how am I gonna manage and dig the information as details as possible. But it seem that I only lack of details ( cause i lack of vocabs to describe it), I will working on it , also change "eventually" to "finally" seem it fitter and have more comlex sentences to describle the whole idea in the most particular way as it could. Iam looking further every feedbacks of your as it make me comple my writing skill and also me :). Adios
## being an entrepreneur or a worker

  
  
A number of people support to be an entrepreneur, however, other people prefer to be an employee to contribute to an enterprise or organizations. It cannot deny the fact that it is a hot argument due to positive and negative aspects.  
  
To begin with, some people are partial towards being self-employed. The difference with workers have limited time and be dominated by company rules, entrepreneurs can control their own destiny by escaping procedures or setting free from governed by under companies' regulation. Example for a famous artist, being an entrepreneur by opening a small brick and mortar shop is the best way to display or exhibit their unique artworks arranged on their ideals. by the way, Start-up is an opportunity to build for society as well as challenge themselves. Should the new brand run smooth and in accordance with the business plan, the owner should get a lot of profits and gain work experiences as well as it will create job opportunities for the communities.  
  
On the other hands, the business owner has to face a lot of undeniable risks. Bankruptcy is the main problems which the business owner has to fight against. In case of a company is degenerating, the managers find somehow to pay salary for staffs by debit from the bank in a long time lead to bankrupt unavoidably. Besides, health degradation is a serious issue when you have your own business. The stress that comes with having full responsibility for keeping things going on day by day related to your business. It will rush your aging ever than before.  
  
To sum up, it is obvious that drawbacks and benefits of being an entrepreneur or a worker against together at all time. after that, my point of view, the benefits of start-up beyond its potential risks.
@tandat  
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing.  
  
First and foremost, I agree with the prior comments that you should work on emphasizing the introduction and conclusion of the essay. Remember that, while the body is critical, having a balanced approach to writing will truly take you farther.  
  
Furthermore, the flow of the entire writing needs to be worked on. It's quite noticeable how you had issues sorting out your thoughts, especially if we take a look at the second paragraph. What I would primarily suggest is taking a more step-by-step approach to all of this. Doing this would definitely be a smoother approach to the topic.  
  
The examples you had given in the third paragraph need a bit more work. I heavily recommend trying to use more concrete data in this portion.
## people living longer

  
  
*In most parts of the world, people are living longer. Is this a negative or positive development? To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
Nowadays, owing to the improvement of public hygiene and the evolution of medical technology, modern people can lead a much longer life. Beneficial as it may be, debates have yielded a spectrum of views. Some agree with the advantage of human's longevity whereas others believe there are more disadvantages. From my perspective, I believe the merits are more and relevant to the good quality of people's lives.  
  
First and foremost, one of the benefits of living longer is that people currently can have more than twenty years to enjoy than ancestors in the past. That means, humans are more experienced than before, and not only can people revel in the additional lifetime, but also these experiences can become instructions passed to the offspring, reminding them not to induce the same issue in the world. For example, the elderly can tell the story about the severity of wars to the young generation, so they may probably think twice before triggering a new one.  
  
Furthermore, if humans can live longer in a healthy condition, then workers can delay the age of retirement and continuously make large contributions in society. For inference, the genius scientists can keep conducting scientific researches in the laboratory. Therefore, the progression of technology in different domains would not be postponed because of the quit or death of intelligent and practised scholars.  
  
All in all, with the above arguments, I consider that people with a longer life is quite advantageous in the public community, and it is a trend in which people can be pleased to accept.
## regular physical activity in 2010 Australia

  
  
*Please help me to check about vocabularies,grammar,and sentence structures in this essay,thank you so much*  
  
The bar chart reveals the information on the proportion of two gender: male and female in different age groups who did physical exercise frequently in Australia in the year 2010. Units are measured in percent (%)  
  
From an overall perspective, one of the most outstanding features is that there was a significant difference in the rate between men and women in different age groups. In terms of male, the percentage given for the age 15-24 group appeared to be by far the highest one, with 52.8%. On the other hand, the aged 35-44 seemed to be the group of men having the lowest rate, with 39.5%. At the same time, all the remaining rates witnessed between 42.2% and 46.7%.  
  
It is interesting to note that the highest percentage of age groups in terms of female was determined to be the aged 45-54, with 53.3%. Remarkably, the rate of the age 65+ group recorded the lowest rate of women in the year 2010. The other age groups ranged from 47.7% to 53%.  
  
(187 words)  
  
*
**Please review my essay for TOEFL**  
  
## Different clothes influence the way people behave

  
  
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People behave differently when they wear different clothes. Do you agree that different clothes influence the way people behave? Use specific examples to support your answer.*  
  
Clothes plays an important role for human life. Without clothes we can not imagine our life actually. To look good we try different clothes in our life. Some people think that they behave differently because of their clothes they wear. In my point of view, I disagree with the statement that People act differently when they wear different clothes. The bases of my views are their personal choice and thinking.  
  
Firstly, they feel good when they wear something they like. People act nicely if they are wearing different clothes. They think they look good to wear something different. For instance, I wore one time short skirt with long jacket. Usually short skirt should go with small shirt. I remember when I wore this to my school I feel special because I thought I am trying new fashion and it's suits me well. She didn't behave differently but she felt good.  
  
Secondly, People wear different clothes are more sensitive towards their clothes they wear because they don't want to make it messy. They act like they care their clothes as they tried something new. For example, my friend was wearing a precious gown in my birthday party. She was caring her dress a lot. We played lots of games that day and we all supposed to sit on the ground she refused to play that game very politely. When I asked her a reason than she told me that she doesn't want wrinkles on her precious new dress. For me she didn't act differently at all but she was extra sensitive towards her clothes. So according to me clothes doesn't influence us to behave differently.  
  
To summarize, I disagree with that clothes influence People to behave differently because it only can change our feeling and thinking. People may feel good and give extra care to their clothes but they won't change in their behavior. So clothes don't impact on any one's behavior.
@Glearning  
Hey, welcome back. I'm here to provide you with feedback on your essay. I hope this somehow helps you in your writing endeavors. If it does, don't hesitate to approach us for more input.  
  
Firstly, I appreciate the balanced approach of your writing. Looking into how you organized and categorized details, I can tell that you had already envisioned prior to writing how the output was going to turn out. This definitely becomes reflected in the final output.  
  
My prime recommendation would be to avoid run-on sentences. From the second paragraph, I have noticed the lack of pauses and punctuation that can drive people away from your essay. What I would recommend is trying to tailor-fit everything into a more structured pattern to create a distinguishable essay.  
  
Furthermore, the concluding paragraph can also be bettered if only you focused more on the derived sentiment from all of the details rather than just exposing a personal opinion or take on the writing. Bear this in mind at all times.
## How Does Advertising Affect societies?

  
  
**Some people think that advertisements are good for the society whereas others oppose this view.  
Discuss both the views and give your opinion.  
Write at least 250 words**  
  
In a view of marketing, there is a debatable issue about whether advertisements are positive or negative for society. From my standpoint, I totally agree with the view that adverts are merit. In this essay, I will give both reasons for the merits and demerits of advertisements.  
  
On the other hand, almost advertisements strongly manipulate people. When watching adverts we usually are persuaded to follow the latest trend which exists temporarily. As a result, it leads to forming the materialistic lifestyle in youngsters who are susceptible. Besides, parents always are put pressure by their offspring to buy unnecessary thing is supposed the newest or hottest. A brick manufactured by Supreme, for example, was sold out after it was launched a couple of days; however, it does not have any useful function except decoration.  
  
Apart from I concerned about, advertising has myriad benefits for not only business but also consumers. In modern enterprises, adverts about their products are indispensable to access their potential customers because there are no other ways for newly opened companies to show their products publicly without it. In this way, the revenue increases significantly; therefore, it contributes economically to the enterprise's development. Relating to customers, adverts can be seen as a form of contemporary art which is enjoyed a lot. Some viral clips, for example, usually not only have special story behind but also contain some picturesque views for unwinding.  
  
Despite some negative impacts on lifestyle of young-aged people, adverts are still useful enormously for both businesses and their customers. Thus, I completely support advertisements due to economic and art aspects it brings.
## salary of the sports stars

  
  
**Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both views and given your own opinion.**  
  
It is generally accepted that sports professionals receive a high annual income compared to other professionals. This may be due to the fact that athletes are constantly under higher pressure from both media and sports fans. They have to accomplishment success throughout their entire career. In my opinion, athletes should be well-paid because their or talent and efforts are justified. In this essay, I will explain this thought.  
  
In the world today, the most popular sport is soccer where we can see sportsman sign advantageous contracts. This is because athletes are considered role model to society and individuals, they must follow certain behavioural parameters and disciplines all of the time. For instance, Christiano Ronaldo rarely attends social events with friends and his behaviour should be adequate and appropriate and his wages reflect this. Therefore persons involved in the sports industry have to maintain discipline and be under constantly training to increase his performance and talent.  
  
On the other hand, doctors, engineers or accounters earn salary according to their qualifications, experience and labour market. They can socialize with friends and have a normal life without the pressure from fans and media throughout their career's lives. As a consequence, the remuneration from these professionals are recognised by society and individuals  
  
To conclude from the examples and arguments given I firmly agree that athletes should earn large amount of money in accordance with their skills and efforts whereas other professions don't need high pressure from the media and fans, as a result, their wages are imposed by the labour market, experience and qualifications.
@renzito  
Hey, welcome once again. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this essay. I hope this somehow helps you.  
  
First and foremost, the introductory paragraph is excellent. Aside from the last sentence, I would retain the other portions as is, considering that there's nothing inherently wrong with the way that you uttered.  
  
What I would mostly suggest is that, considering the latter portions of the essay, I heavily recommend that you to avoid having superficial observations for the key actors in your content. For instance, if we take a look at your third paragraph, the correlation between the second and the third sentence appeared to be unclear. Considering that you were unable to explain how exactly these remuneration is calculated. The more specific you are, the better.  
  
Try to also be cautious with how you transition your sentences. Taking a look at the concluding paragraph, this would certainly help you.
## evaluation of child care centres

  
  
**Topic: Nowadays, any families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grandparents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centers provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
Theseday, more and more women joining the work-force with man makes child- caring become a problematic issue. While many favour the help of relatives when parents are away, in my opinion, children should be sent to nursery schools due to professional education.  
  
On the one hand, many people prefer the child- supervision of grandparents, uncle, etc because it saves a lot of money. That child - caring services are quite expensive makes parents hesitate to register their children for nursery centres. Being a young- married couple, my sister and brother in law rely on the help of her mother in law to take care of my 3-year-old nephew while they are at work since schooling fee is beyond their ability to cover. Therefore, with the assistance of their mother, my sister's family can reduce the financial burden that may be incurred if they send their child to the child- caring centre.  
  
In my opinion, the benefits brought back by child-caring centres surpass which of the nourishment of relatives since the children will be educated by more logical methods. In other words, kindergarten programs are designed hierarchically to be suitable for children of different ages. In my area, most kids attending child-caring centres learn to sing and draw at the age of 3 and know how to count and write when they reach the age of 5. Children gaining accessibility to these centres adapt to the large- scale education that is appropriate to their mental and physical development.  
  
To conclude. I totally approve of the idea of children going to child-caring centre to receive not a purely supervision but a chance to broaden their knowledge and develop themselves.
@conchocon  
Hi, welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful to your learning of English. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach us once more.  
  
Firstly, the introductory paragraph needs a little bit work to be more concrete. Take a look at the first sentence. Immediately, it is noticeable how you could have integrated more words that would have made up for a more concise written format. Instead, for example, of saying "*more and more*", you could have opted to say "increasing". These small replacements go a long way because of the limitations of the essay's length.  
  
Furthermore, try working with more elaborate content. It would be better for your writing if you had incorporated more sophisticated examples. Doing this would have added more appeal to your writing in the long-run. Try replacing the content you've shared in the second paragraph.
## writing about globalization

  
  
In the country of Bangladesh people in poverty are working hard to earn a mere 1/50 of the wages workers are paid in the U.S.A. Meanwhile, in America, thousands of people easily access the goods created in Bangladesh and other developing countries. For decades people around the world have been trading goods and services for both positive and negative effects; this is known as Globalization. In both developed and developing countries, globalization has caused a shift in the number of jobs available, promotes interdependence and world peace, but also allows unsafe working conditions for people making the goods we receive.  
  
I would like to hear some thoughts on how I could improve this starting paragraph please. The information/statistics in this is only from the sources our teacher allowed us to use and I am absolutely not an expert on writing or globalization so help would be very much appreciated. Also, does globalization need to be capitalized?
@Invisibledemon  
Hey there, welcome to the forum.  
  
Globalization does not need to be capitalized firstly. Others have done this for formality purposes, however it is generally not recommended to do so (or, rather, it isn't required).  
  
In terms of the content that you currently have in the essay, I would recommend opting to start with a generalized introduction towards globalization as a key concept. Rather than putting it out here without thinking, it would be better if you had integrated a more sophisticated introduction that'll lure readers into your writing.  
  
Furthermore, remember that when you're working with additional statistical data, try to add more analysis onto it. For instance, take a look at what you've done with the 1/50 wages data. Instead of expounding briefly what this means in the realm of trade, you jumped into accessibility of goods. Both of these are not correlated to each other, therefore readers would have difficulty following the flow of content. Bear in mind these small transitions. Remember point A should always lead to explanation A, not explanation B.