dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi there, I have some opinion for your essay, I hope it helps.  
  
1/ You are under words limited, only 209. If this essay had been written under the IELTS test, it would not have met the minimum requirement of 250 words.  
  
2/ You might need to consider and double check your grammar, spelling, and punctuate.  
  
3/ Use the capital letters when needed. For example, Secondly, ; ...to violate. This makes them.... , and so on.  
  
4/ When you wrote : *It acquires student*, did you mean that "requires students"? I think the word "acquire" does not sound suitable in this sentence because it means that to get something.  
  
5/ In my opinion, the tone of this essay, and the words you used are quite informal. It sounds like telling an everyday story but not an essay.
Ok nice ideas but you need to get little bit more formal and keep your grammar and sentence arrangement in check.  
1. If I were you, I would have written  
FIRST OF ALL / FIRSTLY instead of writing " First and foremost". Does it sound weird to write first and foremost? I don't know. But firstly / first of all are better  
  
2." they apply a wealth the of methods ..." -  
What did you mean by that? This sentence makes little sense to me. I think you forgot to put some words and you didn't proof read before submitting this answer.  
  
3. ~~And for almost parents~~  
- TO ALMOST ALL PARENTS  
Don't start a sentence with conjunctions like  
AND / BUT. Instead you can start with Besides or, Henceforth, Nevertheless for such occasions.  
  
4. "But instead of instructing their ..." - makes sense.  
  
"So they do not allow their ..." - Does not make sense. What do you mean by children to violate? What they would violate? Please clarify.  
  
5." Education program becomes difficult and put ..." -  
Either you write Education programs or, you write ' puts' not put.  
  
6. "I have the feeling" -  
Again,it's a formal writing. So you should write  
REGARDING THOSE ABOVE FACTS I OPINE THAT.....  
  
Hope this helps.
## Tourist Information Office and the number of inquiries

  
  
I hope that you guys can help me identify the mistakes in my essay (ielts task 1) and the band score that i have.  
  
**IELST TASK 1: the number of enquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city in 2011**  
  
I hope that you guys can help me identify the mistakes in my essay (ielts task 1) and the band score that i have.  
  
DRAFT  
The given diagram illustrates the quantity of requests received by the Tourist Information Office in an urban area over a six-month period in the year 2011.  
  
Overall, the customers' enquires in person occupies the highest number compare to by letter/ email and telephone. The amount of clients ask questions through phone also increases over six month, from January to June.  
  
During this period of time, there is a dramatic increase in the enquires made in person. To be more specific, it raises from 400 enquires to 1900 at the end of June. On the other hand, the number of requests made by letter or email slightly decrease from the initial time to March. It also reduces by 410 enquires in the second quarter of the year.  
  
Moreover, the enquires through telephone fluctuates in the first three month. Until June, this number goes up to 1600 enquires received. Compare to others made by different devices, the quantity of request through telephone is in the second position - 4 times higher than by email/ letter.  
  
*
Linh, for starters, you should not use an apostrophe after the S in "customers'". Use the term "customer's" to indicate single possession of an object and "customers'" when discussing the possession of multiple clients. In this case, you mean to use the term "customers" to indicate the plural form of "customer" or the clients of a business. You also have a noun disagreement presentation with the term "six month". That should be written as "six-months", which is a reference to the plural form of the months indicated.  
  
Your summary overview is incomplete as you did not indicate what the actual 6 month coverage includes (January - June). I am not sure where you got the year, 2011, from because it is not indicated in the original chart. I guess that was part of the instructions that you forgot to include with the chart. You also did not indicate what method of requests are received, although you mentioned it partially as a part of the trending statement. You need to indicate these information as a complete part of the prompt overview to help the reader keep track of your information presentation per paragraph. Additionally, this is not a diagram but rather a line chart. Make sure to indicate the correct measurement illustration as that is part of the TA consideration.  
  
What other devices are you referring to in the last paragraph? You should have included the phrase "as indicated in the chart" to clarify that you mean the 3 inquiry types present in the chart. There are several overlapping points that should have been presented in the analytical report such as the fact that the email and in person inquiries overlapped in mid February at around 650 and that the same information for by telephone and in person overlapped at 1000 in mid-March.  
  
Look for these comparison points whenever possible to help increase your TA score. I am sure that was part of the original instructions given for this essay otherwise it would not have been made so obvious in the line chart.
I'm so I'm so grateful for your help :)  
  
## the number of Underground Station commuters

  
  
The line graph gives information about the number of passengers using London Underground Station in different times over the course of a day.  
It can be seen that, there is a sharp fluctuation in the number of the Underground Station passengers from 6 am till 10 pm, and the times that people are most likely to go to and leave from their workplace are the busiest times of a day, 8 am and 6 pm.  
  
Underground Station's first train starts with a modest number of passengers, at just 100. However, this figure dramatically rises and reaches a peak of 400 people at 8 am. After this the number drops quickly to approximately 200 passengers at 10 o'clock. Between 11 am and 2 pm, the passengers number slightly rises with a plateau of just under 300 people using the station.  
  
From 3 pm to 4 pm, there is a significant decline in the number of Underground subway commuters, with less than 100 people travelling. This figure then increases rapidly to peak at nearly 375 people at 6 pm before dropping sharply to about 125 passengers at 8 pm. After 8 pm, just around 150 passengers using this station in London.  
  
*
KD, you have shown a very good understanding of the chart. However, your presentation is not always at its best. For starters, the Task 1 essay is always a 4 paragraph discussion. 4 paragraphs ideally gain the writer the best scoring potential overall. Therefore, you should have tried harder to expand your discussion so that you could have written at least 200 words, comprising 4 paragraphs. 197 words, if divided into 4 paragraphs would have worked just as well.  
  
Another potential problem in this essay is that the chart uses military time, which you altered to the 12 hour time presentation in your essay. This runs counter to the chart presentation and, when compared, could cause undue stress on the reader who will have to convert the 12 hour time reference to military time. Remember that the Task 1 essay is scored on data accuracy in the presentation. Do not change any format that is provided in the essay. Military should have been used in your presentation to help with the coherence and cohesive presentation, as well as the GRA considerations.  
  
You did a good job information-wise though. You have shown a good analytical skill as you were able to almost completely provide an accurate presentation of the chart data.
I was hoping someone could help me improve my writing for the IELTS. Please help me out with some suggestions  
  
## ESSAY FOR IELTS: TECHNOLOGY

  
  
Some people think that the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor. Others think it is the opposite effect.  
  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
As time progresses, technology is becoming more integrated into the lifestyle of a common man because of its implications. But this begs the question: Is the wide variety of electronic devices available to us creating an economic disparity in our society? This essay refers to two main pointers. Firstly, how technology is making it easy to access information and secondly, how automation is affecting people of lower stature.  
  
Since its advent, technology has become more accessible by a large majority of the human population making the attainment of information easier than ever before. For a lot of individuals, this has created opportunities to think outside of the box or helped them find their own niche in our urban society, creating a positive feedback loop which in turn helps us reach greater heights of development. This evolution has further helped us attain better living conditions and better economic conditions.  
  
Despite the positive impacts of technology, automation has served to be a boon for people of the worse end of the economic spectrum. As technology advances, many of the unskilled work done by laborers have been automated. This, in turn, destroys the livelihood of such people making it difficult for them to attain money, creating a gap between them and the well-off.  
  
Finally, when we look at technology's impact from an overall perspective, it is clear that it has resulted in equalizing the economic conditions of the people rather than creating a disparity of wealth as it has opened a vast variety of opportunities for people to attain a better earning and lifestyle.
Ervin, you have just managed to score a 1 with this essay. You failed the TA section because you did not discuss the essay as you were instructed to. Rather, you created your own 2 pronged discussion points, thus changing the whole slant of the discussion and altering the instructions that you were provided. Look at the following alteration:  
  
*Original Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
Your Discussion Instruction: This essay refers to two main pointers. Firstly, how technology is making it easy to access information and secondly, how automation is affecting people of lower stature.*  
  
The two points of view for public discussion in this essay are:  
1. ... the range of technology currently available is increasing the gap between rich and poor  
2. Others think it is the opposite effect.  
  
Therefore you are to only discuss the "economic" aspect of the topic. That is, whether an economic gap exists between the rich and the poor because of the available gadgets. The question is "does being able to afford the latest in technology reflect the financial status of a person?" It has nothing to do with access to information, much less the effect of automation on people. This is all about the "economics" of acquiring the gadgets.  
  
You decided to create your own discussion method for the topic you chose to discuss, which has nothing to do with the original prompt:  
Original Prompt: Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
Your Prompt: None  
  
You created a personal opinion discussion for the essay that does not align itself with the original topic and discussion instructions. That is why this essay cannot get a passing score. You showed that you do not know how to follow English instructions, that is, if you understood the instructions at all. Based on this essay, it looks like you did not understand the instructions overall.
In most instances, that could be done. However, since you changed the prompt discussion requirements, your essay cannot be adjusted to address the original prompt. The minute you change the discussion parameters from the original, you cannot go back and change it. That is why you have to make sure that you never change the discussion, and you stay within the discussion requirements when writing your response. Always double check the requirements in terms of topic and reason when you finish writing the draft. You should be able to tell when you have deviated from the prompt the minute you compare the required data with your writing. You are not discussing along the required lines. If it was only as simple as redirecting your thesis statement, then I would have already pointed out how you could have done that. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case with your essay. That is why I did not suggest a correction to the prompt thesis statement as I would normally do.
## consumption of fast food measured

  
  
The line graph illustrates the tendency of three categories of fast food consumed (hamburger, fish & chips and pizza), which were eaten over the twenty-year period from 1970 to 1990.  
  
Overall, the consumption of pizza decreased over the period given, while for hamburger and fish & chips, they rose. At the initial point of the period, pizza was the most popular fast food which was replaced by fish & chips in around 1985, and hamburger took the second most widely used rank in the consumption of British from 1985 to the final year of 1990.  
  
With regards to the expenditure of fish & chips paid by British consumers, it began at around 80 pence and constantly rose until reaching at a high of 500 pence in the last given year. Likewise, approximately 20 pence were spent on hamburger in the initial year. Subsequently, the fast food eaters witnessed an unceasing increase in hamburger's consumption with 290 pence at the end of the period in 1990.  
  
On the other hand, the fast food eaters in Britain appeared to lose their interest in pizza during the 1970-1990 period. The trend started at a remarkable figure with 500 pence, then fell steadily to a low of just over 200 pence in 1990.
I feel like your essay is a little scattered, because you keep jumping from one unit to the other, so I often became confused as to which one you were mentioning. Also, I'm not sure as to what your point of this essay is. Is it to show how Britain lost the interest of hamburgers? If so, I would create a plot of the beginning of the hamburgers and then doing a gradual disliking towards it. However, once you fix up your essay, it would be a great one because your research is really good.
Here is the full topic question:  
**Parents often give children everything they ask for and do what they like. Is it good for children? What are the consequences when they grow up?**  
  
## permissive parents and demanding kids

  
  
Nowadays, some of the children have been easily indulged by permissive parents who tend to entirely accommodate children's preferences. From my perspective, this has a detrimental impact on both childhood and later adulthood of those children.  
  
An indulgence from parents has negatively influenced kids, especially, regarding aspects of personality. Due to the way children almost obtained everything in an effortless way, they may have a bad attitude toward what they had. This disrespectful reaction, for example, would result in losing their belongings more regularly and squandering their chances to acquire real-life experiences. Moreover, children who grew from a permissive upbringing would have become self-centred individuals. Thus, it would be hard for them to integrate themselves with others in public communication. Finally, if they can not adapt to a new social environment, they can be isolated from the community.  
  
For a different number of reasons, these kids would have been being prone to failure in their later adulthood. Because they totally relied on parents' accommodation with not only physical but also emotional state, they would lack senses of independence. Later in life, this would interfere in their ability to deal with life problems and even be lured in social traps, like criminals, drugs, etc. Furthermore, these children were unlikely fostering motivation which leads them to successfully pursuit of life goals by themselves. If they did not advance in their own career and contribute their effort to country development, somehow they may be burdensome.  
  
In conclusion, a permissive upbringing method from parents is not good for children to grow. This way can also have a variety of drawbacks forming a bad generation in the future.  
  
p/s: I'm looking forward to hearing from your responses. Thank you :D
*Due to the way children almost obtained ...*  
If I were you, I would use simple present instead of past since we are talking about a phenomena rather than a past event.  
  
*Because they totally relied on parents' ...*  
Starting a sentence with a conjunction will sound weird to me and AFAIK it is not recommended. Using the second clause is better IMHO. Again, I question the use of past tense here.  
  
*Later in life, this would interfere ~~in~~ their ability ... and this or they **can** even be lured ~~in~~ **into** social traps, ~~like~~ **such as** criminals, **and** drugs~~, etc~~.*  
  
*Furthermore, these children were ...*  
  
Again, past tense.  
  
*This ~~way~~ can also have ...*
Tran, your opening paraphrase was almost completely correct. You did well by paraphrasing the topic for discussion. You also managed to respond to the question if you think that submissive parents are good for children. However, you were not able to present the discussion reasons for the consequences as the children grow up. If you had mentioned at least one consequence as a direct response to the question, the first paragraph paraphrase would have been almost perfect and could have boosted your TA score to a higher scoring consideration.  
  
The second paragraph offers a completely developed response for your topic sentence. However, you presented a secondary topic at the very end, presenting only the discussion topic, but not really developing the reason through explanation and examples. So rather than having a strong secondary paragraph or reasoning paragraph, you ended up with a partially developed discussion paragraph. Next time, it will be better to use only one topic per paragraph. You can do that because there is a maximum 3 paragraph allowance for the reasoning paragraphs. Therefore, you can fully utilize your GRA plus C&C scores if you go the one topic per paragraph route.  
  
Don't use connecting words such as "Because" to start the sentence. The term is used to connect another idea with the previous sentence in most instances so it can only be used in the middle of a sentence. Try not to use "etc" as well because that somehow reduces the academic integrity of your presentation. Try to present all information using commas and close with a period to give a solid explanation instead of saying "and so on and so forth" which is what "etc." means.  
  
So far, I can see your potential to create academically compliant essays. You have the ability to use English words in a manner that helps you express yourself clearly to the reader. While you should work on becoming more fluent in English, your writing still comes across an understandable and well presented so that is a plus for you and a good foundation for your future practice tests.
**In recent years, the family structure has changed, as well as family roles. What are the changes occuring? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?**  
  
## the change in family roles and structure

  
  
Today, the world has become more advanced rather than in the past. Regarding to this, the family structure and capacity has altered in order to take part with the times. In my opinion, this is a negative changes which can inflict matters in the housewifery and affect the child's development. Furthermore, it will be discuss below.  
  
One serious problem that can be arise from the changing in family structure and role is that it can provoke the housewifery problem. For instance, many mothers decide to be a career woman, leave the house, and hand the house affairs over to the assistant. Moreover, some women also require their husbands to handle duties at home and take care of their child. This will be triggered a dispute even to divorce in the household relations.  
  
Another issue is that it will be interfered the children development. Some studies have reported that many cases of juvenile delinquency caused by the lack of parental function which affects children's development. To illustrate, the modification of roles and structure can be deflected the real function of parents in the family. As a result, the children will endure lack of attention and affection because the parental role is weak. According to this, the transformation in family capacity should be considered in order to avoid several matters in relatives.  
  
To conclude, although it has common to change family roles and structure, it has brought several problems in the relationship between husband and wife and also impact the children progression.
Hi @annanthaayu  
I am not professional, thus you can take my suggestions patially. In my opinion, the beginning of your essay is too abstract. You should response how on earth have the family structure and family role changed? For instance, the family size might be smaller compared with that 50 years age; The gender equality improved; The responsibily of every family menber reallocated. Only based on this point can you further expand your examples. Normally, you should put forward three examples to support your claim, or it seems kind of weak. In addition, in order to make a summarization, you should sum up all your sub-points, instead of copying the prompt. It is vague to use Although because you never refered to the positive aspects of this change.
Annantha, you have a noun phrase problem in this essay. The term "negative changes" should have been written as "negative change". You need to change the verb form since you presented an auxiliary word "discuss". As you are still talking about it, you should say "will be discussed" instead. That shows the ongoing status of your presentation. There are several other presentation problems in your essay but I believe that these are the most pressing that need to be addressed in the presentation.  
  
Your opening paraphrase is a hanging phrase. It ends with a sentence that does not make much sense since yo used the term "Furthermore" which means in addition to or besides. You did not add information nor did you expand the discussion. Therefore, this paragraph is short of the 3 sentence minimum paragraph requirement. A clearer and more acceptable paraphrase is:  
  
*The past few decades has shown a change in family dynamics. There are several reasons for this changes which I will be discussing in this essay. Based on the changes that I will be presenting, it appears that there is a negative trend occurring within the family structure.*  
  
In the second paragraph, you did not need the connecting word "be" for the first sentence. Simply saying "can arise" shows the use of the connecting word "can", there is no need to add "be" as it is a redundancy.  
  
Since you are in the present time and discussing this essay, the present tense must be used throughout the references. Therefore, it is not "interfered" but "interfere". You can say "can be deflected" because that phrase does not make sense. Rather say "can change the real function..." You should never say "according to" unless referring to a statement made by another person.  
  
You wrote a good concluding summary, but you wrote it as a run on sentence. Next time, separate the presentation into 3 sentences since there is a minimum sentence requirement and you will lose GRA points for writing run-on sentences.