dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Ayu, listen, I feel like this summary report is not one of your best work. There is a sense of uneasiness in your writing. Almost as if you do not clearly understand what the process diagram is explaining to the reader? Was that the case for you? The reason that I said this is because there are inconsistencies in the way that you wrote the essay. For example, what did you mean by "4-6 weeks to approach this stage" ? What stage is that? A more fluid method of writing the first development process would have been to simply use the day stage cycles in the presentation instead of breaking it down into steps. that would have created a more relaxed sense in your writing because that is how the cycle was originally presented.  
  
In the second stage, you should have chosen a consistent method by which you could have presented the information. If I were to have advised you about how to write this portion before you worked on it. I would have told you to use the "first, second, third, etc." process of depicting the steps. That would have created a more consistent presentation and also clearly depicted the importance of each step.
## US and British income proportion intended for the petrol spendings

  
  
The graph presents information about comparisson of spending on petrol between people in the United States and United Kingdom which is based on income. It is noticeable that in United Kingdom, the number of income determine the proportion of petrol spending. Conversely, in United State, wealthier people append less budget on petrol than poorer people.  
  
Looking at the graph, the poorest people in United States spent more than 5 % of their budget for petrol which is twice than proportion of income than poorest people in UK spend on petrol. On the other hand, middle class in UK spend 3,5 % of their income on petrol which is 1 % lower than proportion of spending for petrol by middle class in United States. People with the highest income also follow similar pattern, while the rich people in UK spent 3,5 % of their expenditure, the wealthiest people in US only spent 2,5 % of their expenditure on petrol. It means that higher income in UK leads to higher spent on petrol. Meanwhile, higher income in United States leads to lower spent on petrol.
Grienda, for starters, always remember to include a copy of illustration that your report is based on when you post an essay for review. For an accurate review of your work, we need to be able to compare your information with the actual data sent to you. Otherwise, we have no ability to properly consider the information and presentation in your essay.  
  
I am not sure why you are using a comma instead of a period in presenting your percentage figures. Are you presenting these in the thousands of percent or something? See, this is why we need the illustration. Also, your presentation is too short. You must present 3 paragraphs for this sort of essay at a minimum.  
  
Always double check your information and the way that you form your sentences. Keep in mind that you are scored on grammar accuracy and lexical resource use. I believe that you would lose points in this essay for mistakes in those areas. I am unable to properly assess the possible scores you can receive in those areas because of the lack of complete information coming from you.
**The chart below shows the total number of minutes (in billion minutes) of telephone calls in the UK, divided into three categories, from 1995-2002. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## Phone calls time in minutes in UK

  
  
Given is bar chart describing the proportion of 3 kind of telephone calls (in billions minutes) by british dwellers for 7 years. It is noticeable that while the local communication rates went down, a growth of call was witnessed by national and international and mobile communication.  
  
Having the biggest proportion of calls throughout periods, local calls stood at around 70 billion minutes in 1995, experiencing a slight increase for 5 years later. Uniquely, in 1999, british inhabitants spent 90 billion minutes for this call, reaching the peak among periods. However, this fell to near 70 billion minutes in the end of period.  
  
On the other hand, national and international and mobiles connection increased every year. They began at approximately 40 billion minutes and less than 5 billion minutes respectively. A steady growth is recorded by national and international calls, accounting around 60 billion minutes in 2002. Conversely, a similar trend is followed by mobile calls until 1999, then surprisingly, this rocketed at around 45 billion minutes, twice greater compared with the initial period, this category, however, remained as the lowest number of call among other categories.  
  
*
Ayu, please remember the capitalization rules for proper nouns. When you are discussing the nationality of a person such as the British, you have to capitalize the first letter of the word. Be very careful with the way that you construct your sentences in these instances as the simple mistakes that you make can have adverse effects on your final grade. While your essay serves its purpose of delivering the information about the telephone calls, there is a lack of proper information presentation as these are all presented as one complete train of thought coming from the writer instead of the more proper divided sentences within a paragraph in order to create an easy to read and understand information chain. It is important to divide your presentation into individual sentences, as well as paragraphs in order to offer the reader a better chance to read the information without excess strain on their comprehension skills.
Ayu, there are instances when you should use a comma and when you should a period in your sentence development. To quote the formal academic ruling (as I do not wish to make a mistake in advising you) ;  
  
*Use a comma to separate independent clauses in a compound sentence when they are separated by a conjunction. The comma goes after the first clause and before the coordinating conjunction that separates the clauses.*  
  
However, if you are planning to join two or more ideas in a single sentence, it would be best for you use a semicolon instead. A period on the other hand, is used to convey a complete thought in a single sentence.  
  
Overall, I believe that you would score at a baseline of 5 for this essay. It is actually informative but lacks proper representation in the paragraphs. You have more of a formatting problem in this essay than anything else. Specially in your overview where incomplete information is provided regarding the important elements for discussion in the succeeding paragraphs.
Hi everybody, I am going to take the IELTS exam this summer. Please help me to review my essay and give me your opinions.  
Thank you so much.  
  
**Mobile telephones have brought many benefits but they have also had negative effects.  
Do the disadvantages of having mobile phones outweigh the advantages?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.  
You should write at least 250 words.**  
  
## Owning a mobile phone. What does that mean today?

  
  
Nowadays, the development of mobile telephones gives people many advantages. However, there are a lot of disadvantages brought when people use mobile phones. In this essay, I am going to examine this question from both points of view and then give my opinion on the matter.  
  
On the one hand, there are several positive effects on using mobile phones. Firstly, the cutting-edge technology like mobile phones can offer opportunities for people to be better educated. This is because that people are able to study online subjects on websites in their domestic or another country. Besides, documents can be found easily through the mobile phone connected the Internet. Secondly, some functions on mobile phones can assist people to relax. People can listen to music or watch videos whenever they desire.  
  
On the other hand, this idea has a few fundamental drawbacks. One problem is that the concentration can be decreased. For example, the person who is working or studying cannot focus on what he is doing if his phone bell ring many times. Another issue is that having mobile phones can make people lonelier. This is due to that most people contact with each other through their phone. Hence, the face-to-face communication is not usually used. In addition to this, many children and teenagers who are addicted game online stay at their home regularly instead of meeting or going out with their friends.  
  
In conclusion, having mobile phones does not only bring convenience but also negative influences. Overall, I believe that there is a balance in benefits and drawbacks when people use mobile phones.  
  
263 words
Phuong, sorry to say that your essay still cannot reach 6 or above due to lack of overall progression. The introduction paragraph is one of the most crucial parts in IELTS writing, particularly task 2. Let me help you by giving an example of a strong and well-developed introduction paragraph.  
  
Instead of writing this one:  
~~Nowadays, the development of [...] then give my opinion on the matter.~~  
  
It is better to write like this:  
*These days, some people think that mobile phones bring many advantages while others believe that it has negative impacts as well. It is argued that the merits of this outweigh the drawbacks. This essay will first demonstrate the benefits of how mobile phones can educate people and make them relax, followed by an analysis of how the primary disadvantage, namely distracting humans' concentration, is not valid.*  
  
The point is, you have to state the general ideas that you are going to elaborate in the essay since the very beginning part of your essay. This is one of the criteria that you have to pass if you want to reach band 6 or above.
Phuong, do you see the reason that you gave in the conclusion of your essay? You should not have wasted that statement by placing it there. It was very strong and impressive so it could have helped you increase your task accuracy score had you integrated that statement in your opening statement. In addition to that, the essay is asking you to consider mobile phone usage of people with regards to its positive and negative effects. However, you discussed the use of the mobile phone, not as a communication device, which is its primary use, but as a tablet or laptop computer. Which is more geared towards the social media setting. While mobile phones do help people use the internet, that is not the primary use of the phone. So your argument becomes clouded with doubt as it refers to social media usage instead of basic communication use. The next paragraph changed focus instead of continuing the discussion based on the previous examples given. So the essay loses focus and totally deviates from the prompt requirement. I doubt that you would score higher than a 3 in this instance.
Payal, in argumentative type of essay, a clear introduction paragraph that has overall progression of your ideas are necessary to be mentioned. It is unfortunate that you wrote an unclear response in the beginning part of your essay. Thus, I suggest you to at least mention what are the general ideas that you are going to elaborate in the body paragraphs. I am sure that it would improve your GRE score later on. The following approach is recommended to be placed in the introduction paragraph. I hope you can follow through.  
  
~~The author predicts that Grilldon should be [...] evidence to support author's argument.~~  
  
*It is predicted that Grilldon should be the site of HobCo hobby shop. This essay will discuss three major ideas why Grilldon is not supposed to be the place for HobCo hobby shop. Therefore, **the possibility of biased research sample, its illogical assumption, and lack of evidence to support the claim** are brought into the discussion as three major notions to negate the author's view.*
Payal, another part of the report that was not indicated in the sampling is the type of hobby shop that was used for the profiling of the residents. If 88 percent of the population would support the entrance of a hobby shop, then the people must have a specific hobby in mind that they would enjoy supporting. Therefore, the overall sampling system for the survey was flawed. Since there is no hobby shop currently in existence in Grilldon, it stands to reason that the residents may not even be familiar with the services offered and functions of a hobby shop. Therefore, the report is inaccurate and based on questionable poll information.  
  
That said, your current essay is also good in the sense that you ask the proper questions and you also defend your stance in a strong manner. This shows a clear understanding of the report and you use relevant reasons in your writing. It is my belief that based upon the given criteria for scoring a GRE argument task, this essay can score between a 4 and 5. I am not scoring the increments because I am not familiar with the minute considerations that the actual examiner will use in scoring your essay. I think you did a pretty good job here.
## counting junk foods being eaten

  
  
The given line chart compares the number of times that youngster ate 3 kinds of junk food namely pizza, hamburgers, fish and chips in Australia during the period of 1975 and 2000.  
  
Overall, there was an upward trend in pizzas and burgers, while chips and fish had a downward tendency. It is clear from the graph that with the highest point of the total became the lowest point at the end of the period.  
  
In 1975, pizzas and burgers were the lowest consumption, at just over 5 times eaten per year and around 10 times, respectively. Meanwhile, fish and chips are the most popular fast food, which were exactly 100 times consumed by Australian teenagers per year, followed by a small degree of fluctuation up to the year of 1985. The pizzas' intake climbed modestly to about 40 times in 1985. In the meantime, the burgers' eating experienced the same upward trend as pizzas' but rose significantly to nearly 90 times.  
  
From 1985 to 1995, fish and chips saw a sharp decline and hit its bottom at approximately 40 times. At the same time, there were a steady increase in pizzas' and burgers' consumption and remained quite stable until 2000.
Tran, the summary report that you made is good, but it can be better. For starters, the overview statement is too short. It doesn't fall within the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences. In my opinion, you could have combined the first and second paragraphs in order to create the proper information necessary in a summary overview.  
  
Since you have a minimum paragraph requirement of at least 3 paragraphs, I suggest that you create 2 different paragraphs to meet the requirement. In the second paragraph, you could have discussed only the fluctuations that were created for each of the food type. Then in the third, you could have discussed the number of times the food was eaten per year. That way, the discussion becomes specific per paragraph and better illustrates the information provided.  
  
That said, you did not do a bad job in this essay. It showed a clear understanding of the chart and you were able to present the information to the reader a clear enough manner. Congratulations on doing that. You have the potential to get better in writing this sort of essay. Just keep practicing. We will be here to help you out with advice whenever you need it. Just ask.
## balance between practical features and artistic visuals

  
  
Many people have valued the role of a structure's function over that of aesthetic. In my opinion, I disagree with those people as both of them are should be integrated equally in modern society.  
  
First off, it is noteworthy that working in a well-decorated space is able to cultivate the creativity and problem solving skills of employees. The eye-catching visual shows an effect on both logical and emotional cortexes of brain and boosts its efficiency. This is evidenced by commercial advertisements, which requires the large amount of ideas every minute and that leads to a huge pressure on staffs. According to the survey carried out by Columbia University in 201, seventy percents of teams working in artistic building get along better with collaborators compare to others working in boring one. Therefore, these people absolutely gain more achievements in their businesses and lives.  
  
On second thoughts, it is compulsory for a useful building to supply the ordinary functions as space, safety, durability, access to facilities and economy. It can easily attained by considering a well-known structure symbolized for a city or an apartment which is associated to our daily lives. To illustrate, Hyatt walkway with unsustainable design collapsed onto the coffee store directly below and caused the deadliest structural diaster in USA history. Furthermore, overpopulation continues to be a serious problem in cities, there are not enough houses for everyone. In this situation, a building to accommodate as many people as possible is much more important than simply please the eye.  
  
In conclusion, I strongly suppose that the architects should balance between practical features and artistic visual in a modern structure.
Nguyen, please post the complete prompt requirement for this writing task so that I can have a better idea as to what the actual prompt requirements are pertaining to your discussion. Your scores will be based on prompt adherence so in order for me to better judge that part, you have to give me the complete discussion you are responding to.  
  
Please take note of the way that you present your evidence in the essay, you wrote 201 in reference to the year the study was published. However, the year is not completely written so the reader cannot accurately judge whether the information you are providing is accurate or not. Remember, Grammar range and accuracy has everything to do with the way that you accurately and completely present your information in the essay. In this case, your sentence development is obviously flawed and you did not even care to make sure that your information is accurate. There is a definite stress placed upon the reader because of it due to incomplete information. Carelessness such as the one you made above can really have a dire effect on your score in that criteria.  
  
Next, your conclusion can use a better build up in terms of content. It does not follow the required elements of the conclusion which requires you to restate the point of the discussion, reasons, and your point of view (if required). Without that, the conclusion is not as strong and informative as it should be.  
  
I have some other comments regarding your work but I am reserving those observations for after I figure out what your prompt requirement expects to see in your essay. Needless to say, my comments will be adjusted as I learn about what you are really expected to reflect in your essay.
@Holt  
First of all, thank you so much for your comment.  
And here is the whole requirement for this task: It is more important for a building to serve a purpose than to look beautiful. Architects shouldn't worry about producing buildings as a work of art. Do you agree or disagree?. Because this is the first time I've posted my essay, I will write the full demand next time.  
  
Thus, the research mentioned was published in 2012. I was too careless when posted essay immediately without checking, which shows my unprofessionality and not respect readers. I have to improve it in order to not make the same mistake in real test.
Thanks for the prompt Nguyen. I think that your essay would get a band score somewhere between a 5 and a 6 in this case. As a fluid discussion, the essay portrays a train of thought that has logic and sense. The only problem is that you are not yet capable of properly developing your paragraphs with more complex and better developed discussions through the use of more complex words and vocabulary. While I did understand what you have to say, your presentation can get a little confusing at times. In the second paragraph, you present an example of one of the worst structural disasters in American history. You should have included information about what make the structure weak. Was it because art was prioritized over safety and function in the design of the building? When you offer evidence in an essay, make sure that you have data to support your claim. Otherwise, the data you present does not deliver the proper relationship with the essay in terms of content and discussion. For the conclusion, the correct term to use is "I strongly support" and not "I strongly suppose". To suppose is to be uncertain. It does not make sense for you to be strongly uncertain about something in your closing statement so I am sure that you just used the wrong term in the essay. Which would have cost you points lost in an actual test under the Lexical Resource criteria.
## those were great moments...

  
  
I take a glance around, but don't see my mum's car yet, so I set my luggage on to the floor. I don't bother taking a few steps away from the train tracks, but just stand there and look at the train slowly crawl away. With the increasing speed, a force, at least we learned this at school, pulls the air with it, which makes my hair fly all around. I take a deep breath and close my eyes to the sounds of all the noise around me. I haven't been here for what feels like forever, though I've only spent a couple of days at my father's. As I open my eyes the train has already gone out of sight.  
  
That's when my mum parks her car in the parking right next to me. She gets out of her car half waving with both arms, as if I hadn't seen her. I smile and wave back, while dragging my luggage behind me in her direction. "How are you So? Tell me all about it!", she says as I put my stuff in the backseats. "Ehm, I guess I'm fine? I'm just fed up about this situation. I mean I've got better things to do than travel every second weekend around the country.", I grumble. "Yeah I know my darling, I'm sorry, but you know there are some things in the world you can't change, and that for example is one of those unchangeable things. Then she gives me a gentle kiss on my forehead and enters the car. So do I without losing another word about my dad. Instead we put on some music and talk about what plans we want to make for the following days to come, since I've still got holidays for two more weeks. "How about a movie night tonight?", my mum suggests, by which I totally agree and turn the music louder, until we can't even hear ourselves sing anymore.  
  
Those moments, I guess, I'll miss the most one day, when I'm separated from her, because someone has left the other, be it on purpose or not. At exactly those moments the time almost stands still and I feel everything up to my bones, every feeling swinging and swirling inside my body. And there are many of those moments. Like for instance one happy memory I have with my mum, is the day she taught me how to ice skate. Herself she couldn't really ice skate, but she did her best to make it the best day of my life. Or all those bed time stories she told me as I was a kid. Everything she put aside to give me the life I now have.  
  
A tear rolls down my cheek. I quickly wipe it away before my mum notices anything.  
...
Dvergence, you have to give me something to work with here. Did you write this for creative writing class? I have to tell you that as an narrative based on your personal experience, I believe that you did a good job for most of the essay. It was engaging, imaginative, and took the reader on the ride with your mom and you in that car. Everything was going great until the last paragraph when you suddenly bring in the story about going ice skating with your mom. It came for out of the blue and did not really have a chance to develop in relation to the previous story because you suddenly cut it short. Why was that? Are you planning on developing that story further? I think the story doesn't really have a proper ending at the moment so you should work on creating a memorable conclusion to it.