dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Obesity: causes and solutions

  
  
In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight. What do you think are the causes of this what solutions can you suggest  
  
One of the major problems we are faced with today is obesity. The number of young people who suffer from overweightness is increasing at an alarming rate. It is vitally important to know the underlying causes then find suitable solutions to alleviate the problem.  
  
To begin with, there is a strong correlation between obesity and the excessive consumption of junk food. In the world of speed, children have difficulties in getting a nutritious and healthy eating. Therefore, the frequency in consuming sugary and fat intakes is the alternative choice to provide energy. In addition, with the proliferation of fast food restaurants, these unhealthy food is consumed on a regular basicso that the adolescents are at risk of being overweight. The problem could be solved by banning harmful junk food in places such as schools and restaurants. Moreover, a balanced diet which is high in vitamins and nutrients is also of great importance to tackle the problem. To be more specific, people should encourage students to eat in moderation by eating more vegetables and fruits and lessening the amount of high-calorie food.  
  
The rise in obesity of teenagers an be attributed to the sedentary lifestyle. Recently, children are required to work hard and do well academically so that they hardly have sufficient time to do outdoor physical activities. They devote a great deal of time to doing the academic work instead of having a workout. Additionally, with the advent of technology, children tend to play computer games, watch television rather than play sports, do exercise. A useful suggestion would be to increase the time for sports and outdoor activities between lessons to promote the students' well-being. The amount of stressful homework at schools should be reduced for the sake of children's health to be more energetic.  
  
To sum up, overweightness is a major issue in many countries. Some proactive measures should be taken to boost people's life expectancy.
@Cay nho  
Hello there. Thanks for coming back to the forum.. I hope you find the feedback here productive for your learning process.  
  
Firstly, I find that you had quite a strong introduction for your essay. You were able to detail a bold and firmly put thesis statement that enabled the readers to comprehend the underlying reasons you had tapped into. I would only recommend trying to improve your essay by enhancing the overall tone and language of your writing.  
  
Furthermore, your second paragraph is too hefty. Try to shorten and make it more concise, enabling the readers to have a clearer view without being baffled with content. You may also separate it into two shorter paragraphs to make it easier to dissect.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## Time consumption issue

  
  
Nowadays, many people are always arguing to themselves how to balance between the time spending on earning money and the recreation time. Time consumption for both these purposes have approximately equal importance so we could not take this one and leave the other. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of two aspects.  
  
Human are trying much more than ever to get their determined attempt in this mordern world, they are going to school to get higher education, spending their precious time to get high score in every single test with illusion that they are on the top of the world and one of the important things for this effort is making more money in the furture. Money seems to be the indispensable condition to maintain the life, paying for the monthly bills or using money like a tool to demonstrate their abilities their power but the currency have meant nothing if you do not have the time for spending them. You will soon realize that how time flies so quickly and you just desire for turning back the hands of time to get more free time for the other things such playing with your children or spending more time for your own hobbies ...  
  
Besides, having much more free time is very harmful for the youth generation, the youth should be kept busy because the idle hands are the devil's tools. They will be neglected on the way to explore wealth of knowledge of the mankind and may get struggling in some social issues or be indebted without keeping track on work to earn money.  
  
So in order to have an ideal life, we should learn how to balance between making money and entertainment even knowing that there is still much controversy.
Hi there @Ann\_Ng  
You didn't provide the complete essay topic so I don't know what type of essay this is. However, in the introduction you stated: **This essay will discuss the pros and cons of two aspects**. That means for 2 body paragraphs, each must describe *both pros and cons* of one aspect. I see that these 2 paragraphs of yours are not balanced.  
  
Many of your sentences is lengthy and confusing. Also the main point of each paragraph should be right in its first sentence. Consider rewriting them to clarify their meanings. Focus on conjuctions connecting the sentences in body paragraphs to create a smooth flow.  
  
Adding more academic words to your essay helps increase band score. Besides there are wording mistakes, such as:  
- currency is not a synonym of money  
- the indispensable ~~condition~~ factor  
- the ~~youth~~ (noun) young (adj) generation...  
There are more mistakes that can be easily found out. Just correct them in your own way.  
  
Hope you find my comment useful.
@Ann\_Ng  
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with writing feedback on this essay. I hope you find this beneficial for your learning skills!  
  
First and foremost, I suggest trying to simplify your language in portions of the text that requires precision. Being straightforward in key aspects (ie. when you're introducing your thesis paragraph) would help you build up your essay's own structure and thoughts. Say, for instance, the introductory sentence. Try paraphrasing that on a simpler level to ensure that you have a smoother delivery.  
  
Secondly, try not to overexplain parts that would require you to be simpler. The second paragraph needs to be more tailor-fit to ensure that it suits the entirety of the essay. Avoid being too all over the place. Merge your thoughts into a concise and simplified content - and you'll be a more effective writer.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## levels of sulphur dioxide and smoke in London over the centuries

  
  
**The graph below shows the pollution levels in London between 1600 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The graph illustrates the pollution levels in London from 1600 to 2000. It measures the smoke and sulphur dioxide in micrograms per cubic metre. Overall, levels of the two pollutants share a similar pattern through the given period, while sulphur dioxide has a higher level of pollution than smoke in atmosphere.  
  
In 1600, the pollution level was the lowest, however, it climbed in the next hundred year. Sulphur dioxide rose to around 700 micrograms, while smoke increased to an estimate of 200 micrograms. Over the next two hundred years, the levels of pollution grew consistently with a little fluctuation. The pollution level for sulphur dioxide peaked at nearly 900 micrograms in 1850. Smoke increased a little more steeply and peaked at about 450 micrograms in 1890. During the 20th century, both smoke and sulphur dioxide took a dramatic drop, although there was a fluctuation within the fall.  
  
It is obvious that air pollution was considered as a bigger problem in the early 1900's than it is currently.(167 words)  
  
*
The structures seem a little bit confusing. The first paragraph should be the opening sentences only. Leave the overview and detail-describing in the latter paragraphs.  
  
Personally, I think you should separate your second paragraph in different two parts so you could elaborate on the descriptions. For instance, the reason why smoke and sulphur dioxide took a dramatic drop could be the fact that people start to have environmental awareness after the 1890s.  
  
Overall, I think you did a great job @lichien0422. Hope you find my opinion helpful.
@lichien0422  
Hello there.  
  
I apologize for the delay, but I'll try to provide you with writing feedback on your essay. For your sake, I'll try to merge altogether prior opinions in order to assist you further in your writing endeavors.  
  
Firstly, I agree with a prior recommendation that you need to incorporate more in-depth analytical portions through ensuring that you convey with clarity how you'll be able to compare the data that you have. Make it as descriptive as possible.  
  
I have also observed that you need to work on your usage of proper punctuation. Try to, for example, incorporate a more diverse set of marks to assist you in writing.  
  
Your conclusion also needs more substantive hammering down.  
  
Best of luck as always.
**Some people think a job not only provides income but also a social life. Others think it is better to develop social life with people you do not work with. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
## relationship with co-workers

  
  
There are thousands of choices when it comes to socializing. While I understand why it is good to make friends at workplace, personally I strongly believe that more friends at work is a bad idea because of the distraction from work and the decrease in productivity.  
  
On the one hand, making friends at work can beneficial as there are more support at workplace. Since friends always lend us a hand during the hard days, work may be completed better. Take me as an example; I was a waitress in a small restaurant and fortunately, I was close to a waiter called Mark. One day, as I had a sudden work from my family, I had to asked him for changing hours and he agreed without hesitation. As a result, I did not have to hear complaints from my boss. The aboved story illustrates that friends can help each other at work.  
  
On the other hand, I argue that relationship with co-workers can be heavily distracted and affect negatively on productivity. We are usually full of energy when friends are nearby, leading to neglect from work. For instance, my sister worked in a comestic store with her best friend. All days, they chatted, cheated each other,... that made consumers feel annoyed and inconvenient. As a consequence, the sale of the shop decreased by 10% compared to last month. Therefore, both were fired as they were main culprit of making the productivity drop sharply.  
  
In conclusion, although it is great to have a friend to work with, I would rather not involve in friendships with my work mates.
Hi Ngann,  
  
I think that your essay can you use more clarity and your transitions between each paragraph should be more formal. For example, in your introduction you should consider rephrasing it to say: *The workplace is a formal environment that sets boundaries on behavior and the manner in which people connect to each other. Many of the interactions that take place at work are predictable and reserved. Although informal, close relationships may happen, the requirements and expectations of being productive and decreasing distraction at work are likely to strain these bonds. Therefore, I believe that the best way to develop a healthy, varied social life is to meet people outside of work.*  
  
Paragraph 1 focus: The importance of collaborative relationships at work that are goal-oriented and efficient.  
You can introduce your story about Mark, how him covering your shift allowed the restaurant to stay open and have a great day of business. Also explain that switching shifts with Mark, (not him taking your shift but you not returning the favor) was the expected professional and polite reaction that take places in the restaurant industry. Agreeing to switch shifts shows that Mark is a team player, sympathetic towards his coworkers, and cares about the success of his workplace.  
  
Paragraph 2 focus: Relationships at work are distracting and inappropriate.  
You do not have to mention your sister. You can instead say, "in some workplaces, such as retail, socializing can decrease productivity. For example, retail employees must be attentive to customer needs; shoppers may find it inappropriate to see coworkers socializing excessively instead of assisting them within the store." Also, personal relationship issues can cause unexpected consequences or repercussions when disagreements spillover into work.  
  
Conclusion - Please be formal here, restating the introduction.  
  
I hope that this is helpful! I usually find that when I use transitional phrases (on the other hand; in conclusion) excessively, it takes away from my writing. When I read your draft, the first thing I noticed was that the transition phrases were unnecessary. Making your opening statements more coherent should be the main focus and once you do that you can add in transitions conservatively. For example, in the second body paragraph you could remove "On the other hand" and start with "I". Spelling and punctuation should also be double-checked.
@Ngann  
Hello there.  
  
Welcome to the forum! I hope you find the feedbacks your receive here to be beneficial for your writing endeavors. Please do keep coming back to us for more.  
  
First and foremost, I think your writing skills are sufficient in displaying the fundamental necessary aspects of writing. I recommend only making concise certain portions to enable you to have a firmer grip over the tone of language. For instance, the second sentence of the first paragraph could be improved by omitting some portions.  
  
I also agree with the prior comment regarding the excessive usage of particular language portions. If you can omit these unnecessary portions, you'll have more space for substantive discussions in the latter portions of your essay.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## how big is the role of education in a country's development?

  
  
**Some people say that education system is the only critical factor to the development of a country.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
It is generally believed that Education plays an only crucial role in a country development. While this view is true to some extent, I would argue that there is a wide range of other factors contributing to the development of a country.  
  
On the one hand, there are grounds for people to believe that education is a key to develop a nation. Advanced education is the main drive of the decline of common society issues including low unemployment and illiterate people rate. This leads to the high job opportunities for almost citizens and reduces the risk of cime in the future. Additionally, investing in a growing education system will make a contribution to generate more highly skillful workforce. The knowledgeable and potential employees working in a variety of other sectors are more likely to boost the development of these sectors, which could be associated with nation growth.  
  
On the other hand, I would contend that a wide range of other factors should be considered to be of great benefits to a nation growth and one of them is health. Compared to the past, good healthcare system today contributes to have healthier residents, resulting in the significantly increasing productivity of the labours. Another crucial factor would be technology as it plays a vital role in the development of a nation in this modern era. For instance, cutting-edge equipments such as tractors and planters is considerably beneficial to agricultural countries for their farming activities, which would be more productive as opposed to old-fashioned methods.  
  
In conclusion, I disagree that only education contributes to a country growth.I believe that the development of a nation can be obtained if people are also able to improve other fields well such as health and technology.
@educator0402  
Hello,  
  
Your introduction does not state clearly your opinion. "While this view is true to some extent, I would argue that there is a wide range of other factors contributing to the development of a country." means you agree or disagree with "education system is the only critical factor to the development of a country."?  
  
There are some minor spelling mistakes such as "crime" - not "cime" and wrong usage of "the" such as "knowledgeable and potential employees" - not "the knowledgeable and potential employees".
Hi @educator0402  
Your structure is clear, but be careful when choosing words. Here are some corrections:  
- **illiteracy** is better than **illiterate people rate**  
- opportunities for ~~almost~~ **most** citizens  
- contributes ~~to have~~ healthier residents  
  
There are repetitive words such as **development**, **productive** or **factors** that can be replaced with synonyms: **enhancement**, **effective** and **elements/categories**.  
  
Beside all things mentioned, the focus of each paragraph is clear, so that's a plus.  
  
Hope you do well!
@educator0402  
Hello there. I apologize for the delay. But I'm here to provide you with writing feedback on your essay. I hope you come back and find all of our feedback beneficial to your writing endeavors!  
  
Firstly, I agree with the others that you need to work on the overall clarity of text. You had quite a handful of generalized sentiments. This made you miss out on critical details that could have assisted you along the way.  
  
I would also personally suggest incorporating more concrete examples throughout your essay. For example, try to have this after your initial thesis introduction per paragraph. Doing so will make your essay appear to have more depth.  
  
Aside from that, I think you have quite a clear-cut approach to writing. Just ensure your content is up to date - and you'll go a long way.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## ielts1 - line graph analysis

  
  
*The graph below shows average carbon dioxide emissions per person in the UK, Sweden, Italy and Portugal between 1967 and 2007*  
  
The line graph gives information about how much carbon dioxide ( CO2 ) which each person emissions in four different countries over a period of 40 years. overall, there was a general decline in the production of co2 in UK and Sweden whereas the figure for Italy and Portugal increased steadily.  
  
In the first years, 1967, the emission of co2 in Italy stood at 4.2, then it went u smoothly and reached a peak of 7.8 in 1977. likewise, the figures for Portugal was lower in the beginning of the year which just accounted for 1. next, there was an increase to 5 in the production of co2 and remained stable throughout the remainder of the period.  
  
With regard to UK, in 1967, the emission of co2 was quite higher than that of other countries but after that, there was a gradual decline to nearly 8 at the end of a period. Although the two trends in UK and Sweden were similar in term of general decline, the production of co2 in Sweden varied more significantly than the figure for UK. It reached the highest point of over 10, then it decreased rapidly by over 6 in 2007, which is in the same level of Portugal.  
  
*
In the first line, "which each person emissions" cant be used. You can use "each person emit" ( emission : noun)  
Avoid using Next, After that . You can use "over the x following years or " In the next period" instead.  
In the next-to last line " It reached....., then DECREASED ( "it" is omitted )  
That's my opinion about ur essay. By the way, its still a good essay. Well done!
@nguyenle  
Hello there. I apologize for the delay. However, I'll still try to provide you with writing feedback in order to assist you fully in your learning endeavors.  
  
First and foremost, try working on your overall structure and composition. Notice how some portions of your text are quite messy because of the lack of appropriate pauses and punctuation. To evade these issues, try to focus on simpler and yet more concise sentences before meshing them with larger bulks of text. If you can master this simplicity, you'll be able to go far.  
  
In terms of content and organization, it would be beneficial for the readers if you are able to accommodate to deeper levels of analysis by making more thorough comparisons of graphs rather than sticking to blatant descriptions.  
  
Best of luck as always.
Hi, I am newbie here. I am planning to take an IELTS exam in September. Below is my essay in environmental topic. Please read and give some opinions on grammar, vocab... for me and I very appreciate if you can give me an IELTS band. Thanks so much !!!!  
  
## IELTS TASK 2. Increasing fuel cost

  
  
**The best way to solve world's environmental problem is increase the cost of fuel. Do you agree or disagree and give your own opinion?**  
  
In recent decades, the question of whether or not increasing the cost of fuel can tackle the environmental pollutions has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this suggestion appears attractive, the disadvantages will be far more significant.  
  
On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons which prove that the aforementioned method could be futile. Firstly, since the demands of commuting and transportation are always at high level, the life of citizens and the manufacturing of factories will not be influenced by the rising cost of fuel. In fact, people and employers consistently find out a way to deal with the changeable price of this kind of energy from past to present day, which means that it seems impossible to reduce the number of vehicles on the road as well as the emission of toxic air just by modifying the fuel price. Secondly, by making the fuel cost higher, the competition among oil exporters such as Central Asia countries, Russia or the USA will be more tremendous. This means that the exploitation of oil and gas will be stimulated in order to sell them with greater price, which definitely lead to the depletion of natural resources and a predictable rising of industrial waste in a near future.  
  
On the other hand, in lieu of increasing the cost of fuel, it is highly recommended that governments adopt these following solutions. Firstly, in order to diminish the greenhouse effect gases, it is necessary to start using renewable energy such as nuclear power, hydro and sun power. For example, nowadays, electricity is mainly generated from nuclear energy, which helps, at the same time, reduce the emission of carbon dioxide and lessen the world's reliance on fossil fuels. Secondly, if every individual has awareness about waste classification, a huge amount of waste will be recycled and used for other useful motivations. Plenty of evidence suggest that besides of investing money on waste system management, this small action of every habitant can make the environment less polluted and more livable.  
  
In conclusion, increasing the price of fuel should not be considered as the most ultimate way to solve the environmental problems. By applying alternative solutions mentioned above, government and individuals can make the situation better.
@khucthutrang  
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! I'll be providing you with writing feedback on your essay. I hope you find this beneficial.  
  
First and foremost, try to create more straightforward sentences that would pack more meaning. What this pertains to would be using writing techniques to help you have a more straightforward, no-fuss writing style. You can do this by shortening your sentences altogether.  
  
Furthermore, you have quite bulky paragraph patterns. I suggest trying to make them better through evading over explaining and focusing more on key aspects of your written account. For instance, your second paragraph is quite excessive. Try to limit yourself to three to four sentences overall.  
  
Best of luck as always in your writing.