dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi everyone,  
I'm going to take IELTS on Apr. 14th so could anyone help me to correct my article? Any comments will be highly appreciated! Thank you in advance!!  
  
IELTS Writing Task 2: *In many parts of world there is continuous coverage of sport on television. Some people believe this discourages the young from taking part in any sport themselves. Discuss this view and give your own opinion.*  
  
## sports on tv instead of real physical activities?

  
  
Nowadays, in most countries, there are plenty of TV channels including sports, entertainment programs etc. More and more people prefer watching sport programs on television. However, some adults view it as discouragement for young adults from participating in sport in person.  
  
Teachers and parents worry that watching TV sport programs wastes great amount of time from children and teenagers staying at home, which causes that children and teenagers are not active enough. In order to have common topics to chat with their friends, young adults might spend more time watching sport competitions. However, watching sport programs is the method which make them release the pressure from schools, such as do well on school exams. Other than releasing pressure, more and more educational sport programs to teach the teenagers how to do exercises correctly.  
  
Based on my observation, the teenagers in my neighborhood take part in different kind of sports, such as basketball, football, baseball and so on. Many of these young adults are inspired by sport stars on TV. Therefore, they practice sport often with their friends to emulate their idols. Compared with the teenagers, adults take part in sports less than the young generation does. Plenty of the office workers usually spend more time on TV competitions instead of participating in sports in person after they get off from work. Not being sweaty and exhausted, the adult tend to watch sport programs at home as if they also participate in sports and they can discuss the sport races with someone else.  
  
In conclusion, although there are more and more TV sport programs broadcasting, which are considered to be discouragement for young generation from taking part in exercises, from my point of view, this argument does not generally apply to young people.  
  
(292 words)
## **Why people attend college?**

  
  
Nowadays, a lot of people strive for a better life with an undergraduate degree or even a master degree. However, what are the reasons that make people long for it?  
  
First of all, in my opinion, the most important reason is to increase your strength and to be standout from others. This is a cruel world, a competition of our world become more and more drastic, and even a very simple job or even a low position will attract hundred of the crowd to apply for it. Only those who have a great education and general knowledge can gain better work, additionally, win this battle. For those who do not attend university, it is harder to have a stable job or even raise the whole family.  
  
Second, attending a college can change our lives. For example, a student who is from countryside can broaden his horizon by taking different courses or attending a social club, besides, he can grab the chance to be an intern at a company and change his life in the future. On the other hand, most of the rural children have to work early in a small factory, obtaining slim salary to pay the bills and the costs of living. Unfortunately, they can not have additional money to buy something they want or enjoy a bountiful feast.  
  
Last but not least, people can increase their knowledge from the undergraduate courses, studying always makes our life rich and colorful. Not only can it expands our eyesight by informing us with lots of new things that we can not gain from our common life or experience, but also helps us to become a profound person. Plus, we can learn the skills that are necessary for our future job, that will definitely be helpful on someday.
Hi, I think your writing is not too bad, but your essay needs a better introduction and conclusion. You don't really have a thesis statement. I don't think a rhetorical question is suitable as a thesis statement and I would recommend that your intro and conclusion each be at least three sentences long. You have three good reasons, but I think including specific, detailed examples would help drive home your points and increase your word count. Here are some specific suggestions:  
  
First of all, in my opinion, the most important reason is to increase your strength {"strength" seems an odd word choice - used alone it would refer to physical strength}  
  
cruel world, [so] competition [in] our world [has] become  
  
will attract hundreds] of [job seekers] {or "applicants"} to apply  
  
gain better work [and] win this battle.  
  
a stable job or even ~~raise~~ [support their] whole family.  
  
a student who is from [the] countryside can broaden  
  
attending a social club[;] besides, he can grab  
  
undergraduate courses[;] studying always makes  
  
can it [expand] our eyesight by informing us [of] lots of new things  
  
that will definitely be helpful ~~on~~ someday.
*Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.  
To what extent do you agree and disagree?  
What other measures do you think might be effective?*  
  
## how to solve pollution and traffic growth issue?

  
  
These days, most of the population on earth has their own transportation that make a real contribution in making pollution and traffic growth which are unlikely to be avoided. Some people think increasing gasoline price is the best method to solve those issues. I agree to some extent that it would help to reduce the problems, but it needs to be followed with others methods so that people can see the satisfied result.  
  
Growing traffic is caused by the used of transportation that is getting higher from time to time. The increasing of transportation goes along with the increasing of population. People that can afford buying a new transportation will do that with some various reasons, like getting bored with the old one or wanting to have the newest specification in the transportation they want to buy that they do not have in their old one. In other case, some parents want their children to have their own transportation to make it easier to go somewhere so they buy them one. Having transportation will lead into fuel consumption, therefore increasing gasoline price might be an effective to reduce the problem.  
  
Pollution is one thing that cannot be avoided of transportation. The more transportation is used, the more it pollutes the environment. There is nothing that could reduce this unless the transportation production is limited to some extent. There needs a policy for manufacture industry to limit it into some numbers of production.  
  
Increasing gasoline price might be one of effective ways to reduce growing traffic and pollution problems, but it will not solve it all. In my personal view, it is not the only thing that needs to do because transportation is a necessity for people and they would do everything to fulfill it. It needs to be followed with something, for example a limitation in manufacture industry to produce transportation.
Hi Amalia Hanifah, it is glad to see your writing here. So, you will get a number of feedbacks not only from me, but also from the others :)  
  
these are my comments for your essay:  
  
These days, most of the population on earth has ...  
-> it is understood that you want to write an interesting intro sentence for your essay, but dont forget to pay attention to the flow of your sentence. This is my sample : **People are now relying on vehicles to move from one to another place**.  
  
Some people think increasing gasoline price ...  
it is better to write : Some people believe that  
  
others methods  
-> methods  
  
here is my sample: while I am supporting the policy, I firmly believe that the implementation will be really impactfull if it is supported by other factors.  
  
Growing traffic is caused by the used of transportation that ...  
I understand that you want to explain what you have mentioned in the previous paragraph, but you need to pay attention to the structure of your paragraph.  
  
Pollution is one thing ...  
your paragraph three is too little, I suggest you to put more ideas here  
  
then, in the last paragraph, you need to construct your conclusion as a closing point of your essay.  
  
This is the pattern for you to construct your essay:  
  
**PARAGRAPH ONE:**  
·introduction sentence which is interesting relating to topic  
·Paraphrase the opinion and the topic  
·Opinion one  
·Opinion two (if any)  
·Your position (agree or not)  
  
**PARAGRAPH TWO:**  
·Thesis statement 1  
·Supporting thesis statement  
·Example  
·Data (if any)  
·Mini conclusion  
  
**PARAGRAPH THREE:**  
·Thesis statement 2  
·Supporting thesis statement  
·Example  
·Data (if any)  
·Mini conclusion  
**PARAGRAPH FOUR:  
YOUR OWN OPINION (IF POSSIBLE)  
PARAGRAPH FIVE: CONCLUSION**
## the girl-boy ratio at schools

  
  
**Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Colleges and universities have to enroll the same numbers of students in both genders in all subjects. In my opinion, I disagree it. However, I believe that men and women have the same opportunities to study.  
  
Firstly, having equal numbers of students in both genders may cause to reverse discrimination. Sexual discrimination and reverse discrimination both are not allowed in the modern cities. The schools should accept students base on their ability, relevant experience or other reasons but not their gender. People should not be benefited or demaged by their gender.  
  
Secondly, people in different gender good at different things. It does not mean the sexual stereotype that how men or women should be, but they are physically different. For example, in biology, men is stronger and more powerful than women. Therefore, there are more male students in school of engineering, and their key of being there was their ability but not their gender.  
  
Last but not the least, having the same quantity of male and female students in all programmes does not work in the reality. Registration of entering colleges or universities is a two way process. Even if the schools set the rule, the gender of the applicants may not be that equal. For example, there have been few male students applied the programme of nursing every year. They are not willing to study nursing because of serval reasons. So, will the university decreases the number of nursing students if they received not enough male student applications? So, it is not a good way to avoid sexual discrimination by controlling the numbers of male and female students.  
  
In conclusion, there is not advantage to the society while enforcing universities to accept the same numbers of male and female students.
In my view, I think there are some mistakes in your essay:  
in the 1st paragraph: you should write some other sentences before paraphrasing the topic. For instance, "Nowadays, something...something...Therefore, some people believe that Colleges and universities have to....". Then, you give your statement and continue to the body. you should not write other sentences that are not necessary.  
  
in the 2nd paragraph, the explanation should be clearer, more logical. You should use more conjunction words and give example if possible.  
"damage" usually is used for things. You should say " injury".  
  
in the 3rd paragraph, people of different gender.  
men are stronger  
schools of engineering  
"in biology" --> " in physical"  
in the 4th paragraph, all programmes do not work  
"So" are an informal word, replaced by hence, as a result, consequently, accordingly,...  
in the last paragraph: there is no advantage  
Your conclusion is not close to the topic.
Kiki, your opening statement created a severe topic deviation based upon the original prompt presentation. You should have stopped with "I disagree" instead of making an additional comment about "same opportunities to study" because that create the thesis statement for your essay, which was not part of the original discussion. The thesis statement is always the last sentence in the opening statement paraphrase and as such, represents the discussion instruction based on the required opinion. In fact, your response about the opinion is also wrong because you merely "disagreed" when the essay is requiring you to issue an emotional response based on the "extent" indication in the instruction. You have to use descriptive terms such as "strongly, totally, partially, unequivocally" to represent your "extent" opinion in the opening paraphrase. Make sure to properly use the opening paragraph in the manner required because a major portion of your final score will be based on the representation of your English comprehension skills in this section of the scoring guide.  
  
By the way, the concluding statement is meant to be a summary of your provided discussion. It cannot be a single sentence at the end of the essay because a single sentence does not accurately summarize the discussion. Note that there is a standard 3 sentence minimum - 5 sentence maximum per paragraph and that includes the opening and concluding statement.
Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
  
## the spreading of specialized information

  
  
People have different views about the sharing of specialized information. While some people disagree with the idea of such information shared openly, I believe that it can be disclosed publicly with restrictions.  
  
On one hand, having access to knowledge in various fields can vastly improve the quality of life for all. People acquired the detailed data will not easily be misled by advertisements so that they can save more money and time buying unwanted products. For example, advertising on magazines often sells products by equivocated or ambiguous words, such as 'the most popular', which is not further clarified how the popularity is measured.  
  
On the other hand, I can understand the arguments against data sharing, Research in medicine and chemistry can cause danger to the public if they are not properly understood, for instance, the research in surgery. If individuals perform surgery without the base of medical knowledge, just by reading one of the research, there is a good possibility of hurting themselves. Furthermore, authorities would be questioned by people who did not fully comprehend the information. The time spent on explaining will considerably increase the difficulties of execution. In my view, the problems with disclosing information can be solved by adding some restrictions like acquiring under the guidance of related authorities. The information can only be received by people who obtained the thorough and corresponding knowledge.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that people should have access to the information in a variety of field under the direction of relevant authorization.
@yakoe you did not follow the discussion format as presented in the original prompt. Your prompt paraphrase is not correct in the sense that, rather than presenting a summarized version of what you understood of the original prompt, which is the purpose of that statement, you decided to start the discussion immediately. Thus, leaving the reader confused as to what the point of the discussion is all about. There is always the assumption that you are to inform the reader in the opening statement because the "examiner" will (for all intents and purposes) not be familiar with the discussion topic. Therefore, you need to explain it to the examiner in the best way you know how. That means, you do not discuss the opinions nor present any data in this part of the essay yet.  
  
That mistake led you to the wrong discussion format in the body of paragraphs as well. There are 3 discussion points to be represented in the body of paragraphs namely:  
  
1. Point of view 1  
2. Point of view 2  
3. Personal Opinion  
  
In your presentation, you limited yourself to an under developed discussion of one point of view and then you incorporated the second point of view with your personal opinion. That created a lapse in the discussion and resulted in an incomplete representation of the prompt. You would receive only a partial score in this instance for the TA section of the band score. When you neglect to properly represent the prompt, you risk losing a major scoring consideration in the process.  
  
Your concluding statement is incomplete. It must contain the following information in order to be considered worthy of scoring:  
1. A restatement of the discussion topic  
2. Summary of points for discussion  
3 - 4. Summarized body of paragraphs statements.  
5. Personal opinion as a statement of fact  
  
You need to Improve in these problem areas if you are to gain a chance of further improvement during the practice stage of your essay tests. Remember, all Task 2 essays are composed of 5 paragraphs, Never 4. 4 paragraphs are only acceptable in the Task 1 essay as those essays do not require a conclusion.
## the importance of travelling into space

  
  
*The space travel is excellent these day, but there are many environmental problems in our planet we should tackle the problems but not travel space and spend a lot of money. Discuss this opinion.*  
  
In the 21st century, a group of people believes that travelling into space is a great idea; however, many environmental issues still exist in this planet and therefore need to be prioritized over space travel. This is understandable as travelling into space is relatively expensive. I totally disagree with this statement and so will be pleased discuss two reasons behind this disagreement.  
  
To begin with, the environmental problems these days can only be mitigated, meaning they cannot be fixed completely and that damages done to the environment are irreversible. This not at all surprising, considering that humankind has been neglecting the environment for ages, so it is too late to find solutions. For example, many species are endangered and some have even gone extinct due to certain self-centered individuals.  
  
Furthermore, the earth is approaching the sun and therefore there is no other way to avoid human extinction but to move to another similar planet. This implies that it is time for scientists to start taking these space travel activities more seriously. For instance, a group of researchers are of opinion that it is inevitable for human beings to not settle on a new planet in the future.  
  
Having discussed the importance of travelling into space, it can be concluded that environmental problems may be marginalized. In other words, space travel should be encouraged so as to increase the possibility of the survival of humankind. Therefore, I disagree with the community stating that environment problems should be prioritized over travelling into space.
Hey!  
  
You have a good essay. Nice use of vocabulary and your ideas are put well together.  
There are however a few silly grammatical errors. Make sure you focus on that.  
  
Para 1 - group of people believe~~s~~ ....... However others believe that many environmental issues need to be prioritized over space travel. ....... pleased to discuss with two reasons....  
  
Para 2 - To begin with, ~~the~~ Environmental problems...... have even gone extinct due to the self centered activities of humans. ( It's better to attribute the mistake to our entire race rather than blaming it on a few. I think all of us have a part in this.)  
  
Para 3 - This statement regarding the Earth moving towards the Sun is not backed up by "Proven Scientific Data". So, please do check on this. If you are sure about the authenticity of this claim, then go ahead with it.  
  
Good Luck! :)
## most useful innovation in the transportation field

  
  
**Topic: In your opinion, what has been the most significant transportation innovation of the past 200 years?**  
Over past 200 years, science and technology developed significantly. One of the outstanding achievements is the invention of the plane. That made various changes in historical transportation. In my viewpoint, there are three main reasons associated with this innovation.  
  
At the first place, the generation of plane helps people transport more times quicker than in the past. To be more detail, the plane can move between different places in the sky. Each one has a private airline that is not affected by traffic-signal lights, traffic jam or other modes of transportation. Therefore, Planes are able to move smoothly and quickly. For instance, in the ancient times, it is 12 hours that people spend in moving from Ho Chi Minh City to Ha Noi capital by train or automobile. Nowadays, people can present in Ha Noi after 2 hours flying from Ho Chi Minh City. That helps people save a large amount of time for doing other things.  
  
At the second place, plans are kind of transportation that help people move easily. Nowadays, people can stand in the places where they could not reach or difficult to come in the past like in the top of a mountain or an island inside the sea result by planes. For example, to visit Phu Quoc Island, which is in southeast Viet Nam, from Ho Chi Minh City, visitors must drive 6 hours before moving 2 hours by ship in the past rather than 2 hours by plane in the recent years. Besides, if moving by plane, people do not need to waste time for many times checking-in and waiting in stations. Therefore, it makes transportation easier.  
  
For the last reason, planes are the most convenient transportation for its usefulness. In emergency situations, moving fast is the most important thing because the police or doctor must run out of time. When planes were invented, it became the best choice of the authorities in difficult situations.  
  
In conclusion, the innovation of this mode of transportation developed people's living standard. It makes transportation quicker and easier. It played a primary role in the nation's transportation.
Nguyen, you need to work on your vocabulary skills. You misused the term "ancient" in this essay. There was no need to make a time reference in this instance. You could have simple said "previous to the invention of the plane..." Rather than saying "ancient" which is a word that connotes "belonging to the very distant past and no longer in existence." which is not what you meant to say. The time from the invention of the plane to our modern times is not yet considered "ancient". Your reference to the planes being useful in medical emergencies left me confused as to what you were trying to imply. It would be best if you try to develop your paragraphs in a more appropriate manner than simply just trying to say something, without appropriately explaining what you are referring to. This is a problem that exists throughout most of your essay and will be the main reason that you could end up failing this part of the essay writing tests in the actual setting.