dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The original instruction said you were given a graph. In your actual writing, you need to identify the type of graph for clarity sake. So it is a line graph, not just a graph. Good work identifying the sources of the measurement but you forgot to identify the measurement type (by the millions). You also misplaced the trending statement as a part of the second paragraph instead of using it as the final sentence of the summary overview. The second paragraph would have been stronger if you did not include the trending statement in that presentation. The total discussion should have been the trending statement in this presentation.  
  
You did a good job with differentiating the presentation methods from the normal count to fractions, and the like. However, you should have discussed the island and cruise ship visitors more clearly, using proper references, in separate paragraphs. At this point, the second paragraph became too long and confusing to read. This would have an effect on your C&C score.  
  
You were not careful with your grammar usage in this presentation. You have several spelling errors, which you would have caught if you had bothered to review you work first. You also have problems with formality in presentation as you use contractions in the presentation (don't = do not). Remember that in formal writing, all words are spelled out contractions and abbreviations must be avoided whenever possible.
*Hello, here is my first writing in this forum  
Please give me some advice to fix it  
Thanks for your help*  
  
## existing floor plan and proposed changes

  
  
The map presents the proposed changes for the existing floor, and the centre of the room will be totally reconstructed.  
  
Overall, some alterations are planned in the centre of the existing floor, showing a significant transformation. The changes will consist of internal features, storage, and furniture.  
  
The development of the internal door will be established in the north area of the room, sealing two doors to become a permanent wall, while the hall in the centre of the second floor will be extended by demolishing the wall in the east side of the stairs as well as the storage under the stairs will be knocked down. The renovation will continue to the south area of the room, where the internal doors will be built in the left side of the entrance door to connect the living room and the kitchen. There will be a dramatic change in the west area of the kitchen, showing a sophisticated kitchen set rounding the room from the north-west to the south-west area.  
  
*
The discussion is not really rushed, nor analyzed. This is a 3 paragraph discussion that should have the following format:  
- Summary overview + trending statement  
- Original floor plan notes  
- Changes in the new design  
  
The main problem with your presentation is the format of the presentation. You did well in describing the changes, but you need to work on proper formatting presentations. Always start with a description of the original in a paragraph, then the changes applied in another. When you follow that format, you should score better.Do not try to summarize everything. You need to show a detailed analysis of both images.  
  
You have to make sure that you describe the original room completely before you describe the changes. When you jump directly into the new format without properly describing the previous format, the reader, whom you have to assume cannot see the images, will not be able to create a mental picture of your description. Additionally, these are not maps but rather outlines of changes to a room. Be careful with your descriptions. Know the different types of images used and how to describe these alternately from the original presentation.
please help me with my gramma.  
  
## summarise information from the graph

  
  
The pie charts illustrate the three different purposes of water used in six ares of the world.  
According to the charts, apart from North America and Europe, we can see that the water used for Agricultural has highest percentage. In contrast, water used forDomestic seem to has lowest percentage in those areas but South America.  
  
First it can be seem from the graphs that water used for Agricultural has occupied more percentage in the pie charts. Especially Central Asia, it got 88% in the pie charts and Africa, South East Asia and South America had 84%, 81%, and 71%. However, North America and Europe had only, 39% and 32%.  
  
Second, In North America and Europe, the highest percentage in their charts were 48% and 53% for industrial use. It is interesting that no matter in any six areas, water used for Domestic did not have the highest percentage in those areas.  
  
*
Your summary overview can use more work. The summary overview is best presented as complete when it represents:  
- The number of images provided (number of pie charts)  
- 3 purposes indicated  
- 6 countries the measurements was taken in  
- measurement type (percentage)  
- Trending statement  
  
A total of 5 sentences representing the most important information you will be discussing in the next 2 paragraphs. Now, based on the number of discussion focus presented in along with the images, this should be a 4 paragraph essay representing:  
  
- Summary overview + trending statement  
- Industrial use discussion for the 6 countries  
- Agricultural use for the 6 countries  
- Domestic use for the 6 countries  
  
Each paragraph for each specific usage must do a comparative discussion of the 6 countries within it. That will require up to a 5 sentence discussion per paragraph for each topic. Try to present no more than 195 words at the most in the overall essay. Keep the comparisons short but informative. Straightforward information presentation will be best. Why did I say this?  
  
Review your essay, you never presented any measurements for domestic usage. You did not include the percentage even though the trending statement indicated that it has the lowest measurement among all 3 areas of water consumption within the 6 countries. That means you have omitted informing the examiner about an aspect of the image presentation. The data provided is therefore incomplete and cannot be scored based on a complete and proper analysis of the provided information.  
  
By the way, you accidentally capitalized the word "domestic" in your presentation. That is not a proper noun and should never be presented using a capitalized first letter.
## Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment

  
  
while various individuals argue that children should go out to play instead of staying indoor to waste time on video games,a group of people stay in diametrical opposition. i will review both sides of the argument before giving my perspective that outdoor activities play an important part in stimulating mindset and improving social skills, we cannot definitely refuse the merits of video games  
  
it is ot exaggerated to say that adventures from outside are deliberated as a key point in enhancing mental and physical health. Firstly, as playing with thier peers, the kids have the tendency to interplay and think more because eveything oustside is absolutely bizzare and different from things and furniture in their houses. whenever thay find anything is novel their brains can be optimum stimulated by curiosity. Secondly, sports unarguably deter adolescents from sedentary lifestyle. manifold activities as swimming, playing basketball will change their height, if their family genetic is short for example.  
  
nevertheless, staying indoor and playing video games are never a bane ris kids spend time appropriately on them. when the weather rains heavily, it is a good choice for them to entertain. moreover, computer games involve numerous things and studies cannot be found in their inhabitats as the lifestyle in other countries or climate in other comtinents. Last but not least, playing games on computers is the fastest way to expose themselves to new digital gadgets because in the future various tasks and jobs is no longer use human labor and utterly subtituted by most advanced manchine
Pay attention to your word capitalization while writing. The first letter of the first word in every sentence is always capitalized. Your continued violation of this basic English writing rule will result in severe GRA points deductions for you. This error shows that you do not even care for the English writing rules, which means you are not capable of writing in an academic manner as required by UK, Canadian, and Australian universities.  
  
Be clear about your prompt topic restatements. Never exaggerate. Always stay within rational discussion references. These are never debates or arguments. These are discussions, differing opinions, and opposing thoughts. The original prompt is simply asking you to agree or disagree with the statement. There is no need for a comparative discussion when it is not indicated in the original instructions. Just give your opinion directly and the 2 supporting reasons you will be using in the discussion. Do not deviate from the original discussion. That could result in the automatic failure of your essay. Why will the essay automatically fail? There are 2 points to consider.  
  
The first failure point will be that you offered an opinion as required, but then used a comparative discussion. In which case, only the paragraph that relates to your opinion will be scored. Since the word count will be less than 250 words, as the other discussion point will not be considered a part of the writing, you will receive points deductions for the irrelevant discussion paragraph. Why? Your word count will come in under 250 words.  
  
The second failure point, is that you will have proven to not have discussed the essay in the required format. In this case, it is a single point of view discussion, requiring 2 supporting reason paragraphs. You offered a comparative discussion with a personal opinion. A clear prompt deviation. You have not used the required format for the discussion. That shows how you lack English comprehension abilities. Hence, the failing score.
## travel by plane and environment

  
  
In today's modern world, there is a belief in some people that take a trip by air plane cause numerous effect to the atmosphere, thus they think that air plane must be limited. However, I personally tend to disagree with this statement.  
  
From the environmental point of view, there are many solutions to replace the current fuels and protect the environment. First, instead of using gases or oil to function the vehicles, we can replace it by the other natural resources which can be restored by itself and make sure that it will be environmental friendliness. For example, we can find the way to reuse old oil or invent a plane which can use greener sources. Second, you must know that it is not only the air plane cause pollution in the environment, numerous vehicles such as motorbike, car and train are also caused pollution too. Therefore, by simply discouraging air travel, we can not decline the contamination in the air quality.  
  
Another significant reason for my opinion about this issue is using air plane will enable you to save your money. For instance, a price for one ticket to travel from Vietnam to the United States will much cheaper than paying for fuels, foods or repairing the car if it breaks down. Furthermore, there is no train for you to travel straight to America, so you need to change many trains if you want to come there. Moreover, the industry's income will be decreased significantly because air travel is one of the major sources of money for country's economy.  
  
In conclusion, while there are undoubtedly downsides inevitable when travel by plane, I on the belief that the benefits are far weightier than the drawbacks.  
  
*Can somebody give me an advice to fix my essay.  
Thank you so much for your help.*
Okay, the original prompt clearly asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree?". Your response does not give an extent of your disagreement. Simply having a tendency (tend to) does not reflect the required measured response. The proper response could have been; "I tend to strongly disagree with this statement because (state 2 topic reasons)... The degree of your opposition must be outlined in the paraphrase section because that will help you stay on track within the actual reasoning paragraphs. You will avoid prompt deviations that way.  
  
Your first reasoning discussion is not related to the given topic. Focus only on airplane travel as indicated in the prompt. Do not change the topic. That is a prompt deviation which will not be scored by the reviewer. The word count for that paragraph will be deducted from your overall presentation, which normally translates into less than the word count. That brings your essay down to 165 words, which means you will have a severe word count reduction penalty, which means the word count alone could make you fail the actual test.  
  
Add to that the other scoring errors in your presentation and the run on sentence in the conclusion, which does not contain 40 words or at least 3 sentences to summarize the discussion points and you will find that you have not produced and essay that can get a passing score. Never deviate from the prompt topic, never use unrelated discussion topics, never write less than 3 sentences for the summary conclusion.  
  
Actually, if you review the original prompt, you will find that your essay actually failed to discuss the actual topics provided which are:  
- air travel should be restricted because it causes serious  
pollution  
- uses up the world's fuel resources.  
  
Based on the provided discussion points, your essay doesn't really discuss the given points as required. Your discussion is all over the place and does not focus on air travel alone. You also did not discuss why it is believed that airplanes use up the world's fuel sources. So your discussion is more irrelevant to the given topic than relevant. There were 2 topics to be discussed but you wrongly focused on only 1 side of the discussion.
Hi all, this is a writing task for IELTS, which I am preparing now. I hope you may offer me some feedback about grammar, vocabulary, or anything. Much appreciated!  
  
**Writing task:  
## In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry.

  
*Why is this case? What can be done about this problem?***  
  
It is true that a large number of people suffer from hunger nowadays despite the breakthrough humans have achieved in agriculture. Poverty and climate change are two important reasons and some measures can be taken to alleviate the crisis.  
  
One of the main reasons why people go hungry is that they cannot afford the food. Most starving people live in extreme poverty. They do not have enough arable land to grow sufficient food to supply themselves, and they earn so little income from work (if they are employed) to afford purchased food from other sources when their own supply runs out. Moreover, climate change and extreme weather have a detrimental effect on agricultural production. For example, it is reported that drought is attributed to more than eighty percent of the total damage in agriculture. Lack of basic infrastructure, such as irrigation systems, in some African drought-stricken areas, aggravates the situation, so farmers in these areas are more likely to suffer from food shortage.  
  
However, some actions can be taken to tackle these problems. Firstly, it requires collective efforts from the international community to ensure that children in disadvantaged regions have access to education. Only by acquiring basic skills such as reading, writing, and numeracy can they grow up into mature, skilled, and qualified adults. In this way, they have a chance to seek employment or start their own enterprise. Secondly, developed countries should feel obligated to aid impoverished countries by sharing agricultural technology and financial resources with them, therefore, they are able to conduct researches about how to transform agriculture and make sustainable food.  
  
To conclude, agricultural technology sharing from developed countries and ensuring access to education will be crucial to mitigating global hunger.
Good job on restating the topic and the reason for the presentation. The topic sentences and structure are clear and relate to the topic, but it seems to me that the solutions are not quite relevant to the reasons you stated (Poverty and climate change are two important reasons <-> access to education and technology sharing from developed countries). It will be better if you mention how the technology from other countries can mitigate the influence of climate change.  
  
On the other hand, some sentences are too long to read. Perhaps you want to make some complicated/compound sentence structure but it seems strange. Eg. the last sentence of paragraph 3 and the second sentence of paragraph 2  
  
**->If I were you, I would write:**  
... arable land to maintain sufficient food supply ~~themselves~~, and they earn only negligible wages from work even if they are employed, which makes them unable to afford food from alternative sources when their own supply depletes.
The original prompt is not asking you to attest to the truthfulness of the topic being presented for discussion. You will lose points for including an opinion which is not required in the paraphrasing of the original topic. That is a very bad thing to do and will most certainly affect your TA score as you are not following the writing instructions as provided. Simply restate the prompt and respond to the questions provided with topic sentences. Stick to the instructions, you are scored on your ability to follow instructions as provided.  
  
Your first topic in the second paragraph is confusing to read. You start by discussing the inability of people to buy food in general, then you suddenly shift to an unspoken reference to farmers who are incapable of purchasing food. As such, you leave the reader confused and your reasoning lacking in proper references. The sudden introduction of a second topic created a confusing topic discussion for the paragraph, which means the thought in this presentation is under developed and lacking in clarity, 2 points which, when deducted from your score, means you are closer to a failing rather than passing score.  
  
The solutions suggested are not related to the ability to buy food. Education has nothing to do with the discussion because you did not properly defend its relationship to the topic. The second reason, is barely explained and does not help to increase an understanding of the solution you are suggesting. There needs to be a clear relationship between the problems previously presented and applicable solutions in the next paragraph.  
  
You need at least 40 words in the concluding summary. Your run-on sentence, which does not properly summarize the discussion, will be the final reason for the low score for this presentation.
Overall you did well on your vocabulary! However I found awkward that you mention things in the third paragraph. Your focus on the topic is about hunger of the people, but then on the third, you shift to the hunger of the children, and to education and so on. It is not quite closely related to your second paragraph as well.  
  
If I were you, I will probably only select a major factor that cause starvation, and find solutions to cope with the issue. That way you won't be distracted to other factor, and the structure won't be that complicated and confusing. I am sorry I cannot do much of grammar, and the others had commented about it properly. Hope my comment help! Good luck on your IELTS!
Hi there,  
I am currently preparing my IELTS exam, it will be helpful for you to help out! Please correct my grammar, provide suggestions and mark a band based on the IELTS examination. Thank you:)  
  
***Question: In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry.***  
## Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

  
  
As a modern people, even though it is hard to believe, under the advance of agriculture, the world hunger has not been eradicated in the 21th century. To ease and solve the worldwide crisis, it must be looked into the core of the issue and take on actions immediately.  
  
From my perspective, the primary factor of hunger is poverty. The profit-oriented corporations set high price of farming fertilizers, for those countries that suffer from poverty certainly can't afford. Meanwhile, with poor situation in finance, they undoubtfully are not capable of accessing the latest agricultural guidance. Afterwards, farmers use no or artificial fertilizers, which will lead to an unhealthy soil with high salt level. Exploiting the farmland through numerous cycles, the products become less rich in nutrient and minimal in outputs. People are not able to consume enough, later on suffer from hunger and starvation.  
  
Despite of the depressing situation, there are some actual actions can be put into practice, after all, every cloud has a silver lining. Governments should seek aids form world organizations, regardless of finance aid or agricultural guidance. Cutting the chase, the most direct assistance surely is to accept huge means of money. For fear that the aid be misused, a practical method is to send agriculture assisting team, assuring the aid won't be manipulated by corrupted governers.  
  
To sum up, in my opinion, poverty is the main reason of hunger, coping it with assistance of charity groups, it is affirmative that starvation will ultimately come to an end.
Do not ask students to score your essay. Their accounts will automatically be suspended due to forum rules violations. If you have such specific review instructions, you should avail of our premium private services or, make this thread URGENT for a more comprehensive review. The free review only covers general comments and observations.  
  
You are not offering a correct paraphrase of the original prompt. You have totally changed the information provided in the original prompt. Therefore, you will lose points. You need to properly paraphrase the original presentation using only the provided information. Do not add, remove, or offer information not included in the original prompt. This will result in a low TA score for you. When that happens, you might find it difficult to pass the test because of a low starting score.  
  
Do not use contractions in your presentations. Always spell out the whole word because you are writing in formal English. You cannot say "don't", you have to say "do not" in order to reflect the required academic and professional tone of the essay.  
  
Your reasoning for hunger is incorrect. Your presentation topic, farming fertilizers does not relate to hunger directly. You could mention the cost of food, the lack of groceries in a particular location, or the high cost of food. Farming fertilizers are a totally different, unrelated topic. As you can see, your essay deviated from the topic when you discussed fertilizers, you focused on soil quality rather than hunger. So the prompt deviation will make this essay fail the test. If you do not discuss the required topic, then you cannot be scored based on the topic discussion indicated.  
  
Do not use English phrases / idioms that will show your lack of English knowledge (e.g. every cloud has a silver lining, Cutting the chase). Do not try to show off when you are not at the level of a native English speaker yet. That will be unwise because errors in the LR and GRA section will greatly affect your final score.