Sorry my advice took so long to get to you. The essay was posted in a section of the forum where contributors do not normally post. I had to inform the forum administrators about your error. They are the only ones who can transfer your post from one section to another. So, let's get started with the assessment. Please be more careful with your postings. Posting in the wrong place delays the help that I can offer you.  
  
There is, what I believe to be the better approach to this discussion. However, if your tutor has other teaching methods in mind that run counter to my advice, then you should opt to follow your tutors advice instead. I do not want to force you to learn the method that works for my students since my students focus on my advice, the way I ask them to accomplish their essays, all of which result in a band score of 8-9 for most of them. Again, if you have other writing teachers, it will be useless for me to help you. You cannot combine 2 different teaching styles. You will be bound to fail. I can see from the advice that you give the other students here that you have another teacher, so I do not understand why you are asking for help at this forum since you did not really apply the corrections I gave you the first time.  
  
You already know the sentence number requirement per paragraph and that you have to avoid run-on sentences. However, you created run on sentences , confusing sentences, in your overall presentation. Now, unless you are just copying my advice as you give it to the other students, but you do not really understand why it has to be done that way, you will not increase your scoring potential. Being able to give advice to others, and you actually being able to apply the advice you give to your own writing are two different things. I do not see you actually applying the advice that you give others to your essay. The 3-5 sentence requirement applies regardless of the paraphrase, reasoning paragraphs, or concluding recap. The clarity of the paragraphs, through the use of proper simple and complex sentences, not run-on sentences also apply. Unfortunately, you did not apply those properly to your essay.  
  
Your reasoning paragraphs are under developed. You only give reasons, not real explanations that justify the reasons you provided. I told you before, one reason per paragraph is sufficient. You are not being scored on knowledge, you are being scored on your ability to provide clear explanations that can support your reasons. You have to prove that you can explain yourself in a manner that can be understood, That is why you are being asked to focus on one reason, with examples and explanations for your reason.  
  
There is no use for ordinal numerals in these essays. Only topic sentences. Topic sentences help show your English comprehension skills. The ordinals do not help with the coherence and cohesiveness of your presentations. Only topic sentences and transitions sentences can do that.  
  
There are several other errors in this essay, but they all go back to the previous advice that I gave you. If you are following your tutors advice in writing, then you should have your tutor review your work. I will not be able to help you anymore. You only get further confused and will not be able to develop a writing style that will help you during the actual test.