dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Destination of UK graduates and postgradutes in 2008

  
  
The given bar charts compare the number of graduates and postgradutes in Britain in terms of the work they did after they had finished their study at college excluding full-time job in 2008.  
  
It is clear that UK graduates who didn't have a full-time work were likely to continue their study after leaving college. Further study was the most common choice for both groups, while only a small quantity of UK leavers chose voluntary to work after graduating.  
  
In 2008, the number of UK graduates deciding to study further was highest, at 29,665. Meanwhile, only 2,725 postgradutes chose to continue to take a course in Britain. Voluntary was the least prevalent option for both groups ,with only 3,500 and 345 people deciding to work this activity respectively.  
  
In the same year,the quantity of UK graduates getting a part-time job stood at 17,735 students, whereas the figure for UK postgradutes was significantly lower, at 2,535. There was 16,235 graduates who were jobless in Britain, exceeding the number of UK postgradutes , whích had only 1,625.  
  
Please correct my paragraph If I have mistakes. And let me know which band score I can get in this essay. Thanks in advance.  
  
*
Hien, I found this essay to be highly confusing. lacking in a clear singular trending sentence, and not really informative in terms of the proper use of the data from the bar graph. You need to work on clarity and coherence in your work in order to score higher than a 4, which is the score that I believe this essay might receive in an actual setting. Let's start at the top in analyzing your essay alright?  
  
In the first paragraph, You have only 1 long sentence representing the illustration overview. You need to have at least 3 sentences here but no more than 5 as per the C&C requirements for these essays. So the proper information to present needs to be split up into short but informative sentence. Hence:  
  
*A bar chart has been provided for comparison purposes. The comparison is based on the number of graduates and post graduates who go on to different fields after graduation. These fields cover part-time and voluntary work along with further study or unemployment. The graph represents the year 2008. As per the trend, it appears that further study was the most popular destination for the graduates and post graduates that year.*  
  
Now, for clarity purposes, since you have 3 remaining paragraphs with which to present the information from the graph, you should have presented it in the following manner:  
  
1. Information for the graduate graph  
2. Information for the post graduate graph  
3. Highest and lowest points comparison from both graphs.  
  
This presentation will make sure that you meet the 4 paragraph requirement for the explanation presentation that contains the maximum 5 sentence requirement or the 3 sentence minimum requirement.  
  
Remember, you are paraphrasing the information from the original image. So you cannot miss a single factual data in the presentation. You should also be as clear as possible in presenting the information. Make sure that they reader will clearly understand the purpose and information you are providing as a restatement. The version you have chosen to present lacks in coherence and clarity. Most likely because you were not able to properly outline to presentation. Which the information you presented was not as effective nor as informative as it could have been.
**Online education is becoming more and more popular. Some people claim that e-learning has so many benefits that it will replace face-to-face education soon. Others say that traditional education is irreplaceable. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
## **ONLINE EDUCATION AS A REPLACEMENT TO TRADITIONAL EDUCATION.**

  
  
As technology advances, education thru internet is embraced by the society. While others believe going to school is still the best way to learn. In my opinion, traditional education has more benefits than online education.  
  
E-learning is an online way to study. Instead of going to school, students will be in front of their computers instead of boards. Some people prefer this kind of education because it is more accessible and less hassle to the students and even to educators. Laptops and internet are all they need for this to work.  
  
However, there are other people who think that being present in the classrooms and face-to-face to their teachers are more conducive in learning. Traditional education involves personal participation that can help the students be active in school activities. Going to school may help young people to interact with other students that can also give them new learnings and different perspectives that they may not achieve by being online.  
  
From my perspective, I believe that sitting in a classroom, listening to the teachers and communicating with other students are better for learning. If a student is present in school, he can raise his hand and ask questions personally whenever he does not understand something. While in e-learning, from my personal experience when I was in college, most videos are recorded, and a professor talked nonstop about his or her specialty. Because of that, I was not able to learn anything but was forced to listen and sit in front of the computer and watch my teacher talk.  
  
Therefore, I still stand on my belief that traditional education have more benefits than internet education. Though being online is the easiest way to learn, it still cannot replace the old-fashion way to absorb knowledge and gain new information by being present in a room full of students and infront of the teacher.  
  
*I think this is a weak essay, but I still want to be graded and reviewed so I would know how to correct my future essays if i encounter with the same prompt.  
  
Thank you in advance!*
Jea, I will not score this essay because you did not do a very good job at responding to the prompt requirement. The instruction for the discussion in this essay is as follows:  
  
*Original Discussion: Discuss both views and give your opinion.*  
  
The original instruction is based on the reasoning that:  
  
*Some people claim that e-learning has so many benefits that it will replace face-to-face education soon. Others say that traditional education is irreplaceable.*  
  
Based on the above information, it becomes clear that you did not properly discuss the prompt requirement because your thesis statement was:  
  
*Your thesis statement: In my opinion, traditional education has more benefits than online education.*  
  
The topic for your thesis statement is not located anywhere in the original prompt instruction. This is a 2 point of view plus personal opinion essay regarding whether or not old school ways can be replaced by new ways of schooling. It is not about the benefits of online education. That is a totally different discussion and would be based upon a comparison rather than a reasoning essay.  
  
This is a reasoning essay that you turned it into a personal opinion only discussion because of wrong paragraph discussion development and key phrases to indicate the type of discussion being presented in the paragraph. Therefore your score will be tangential for most of the essay because you failed to properly represent all 3 sides of the issue being presented. It will not be a good score for you overall.  
  
What then is the proper thesis statement and approach to this essay?  
  
*As more people seek online education, a discussion has developed regarding the possibility that internet based academic training will replace physical school attendance. While others believe so, there are those who say that real - time education in an actual school setting will never be replaced. In this essay, I will discuss both opinions and present my own point of view for the benefit of the readers.  
  
Some discussions support...  
  
While the other line of reasoning is that...  
  
My opinion is...*  
  
You need to brush up on your English comprehension and analysis skills. You did not do a very good job in terms of those considerations in this essay and it led you to a prompt deviation instead.
*Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject*  
  
## the allocation of seats at the university based on sex

  
  
Both men and women are main wheels of country's carriage, both of them move forward country's development, according to their potential. males and females both consist of distinct abilities which distinguish their generosity like female have the power of reproduction and males have more physical strength. according to their generosity, they have quite a few difference between their way of living, interests, and activities. I am not able to support curriculum which divides the number of seats equally in each subject according to gender. there are the explanations which strength my position.  
  
Firstly when it comes to enrolling in universities, students select subjects according to interests.In most of the subjects like computer science , arts and electrical and electronic engineering ratio of the number of male and female student persistent. but there are few subjects like gynecology, obstetrics which devoted to gestation and childbirth are firmly occupied by female students and another side subject mechanical engineering demands physical strength is prominent by males. so If university curriculum follow rigid model which is the equal disturbing number of seats according to their gender, there would be a possibility that there would be vacated seats of specific gender while brighothers bright and qualified students are not able to enroll in the desired subject due to this pattern, for example in any university total 30 number of seats equally distributed among girls and boys but girls are not interested to select mechincal and according to calculation there should be 30 graduate from mechanical department but due to abesence of girl students, leads to scarcity of number of employees in specifc field which adversly effects the country 's developement .  
  
So sum up my point, a university can control the number of seats in the different subjects according to their resources like academic facilities, laboratories, not the pattern of gender equality in each subject. Rather a university should conduct counseling at the time of admission which provides succinct knowledge about the course. so according to their potential, qualifications, interests, a student can select the course.
Diksha, while the approach that you took to writing this essay is one of the many possible methods of responding to the given prompt, I believe that, and my students who have passed the IELTS with the highest marks can attest to this, when you discuss an extent essay, your reasoning within the thesis will be better served by a direct, one sided response to the given prompt which is: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the above statement?  
  
Being an "emotional" response essay, it is always best to respond with an emotional answer as well. Such emotional answers could be:  
  
I am in full / total agreement/disagreement  
I partially agree/disagree  
I am inclined to strongly support / not support...  
  
along with other variations thereof. The reason why, in my opinion, it is best to approach the essay in this manner is because you need to properly set up your discussion while giving the examiner a direct response to the question. If you use the term "partially" or a synonym of the word, then you can discuss both points of view in the essay. If you go for a singular point of view, that would be even better for your score.  
  
Now, I will admit that your line of reasoning is well and good for the prompt that was provided. It is just too wordy in presentation. You only have to present 5 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences to work with. That means, writing a minimum of 250 words, no more than 300 as far as I am concerned because you need to save some time for editing your work.  
  
You tend to write very long sentences. These sentences, from my point of view are mostly run-on sentences. Keep it short and focused. Present a topic sentence at the start of every paragraph and discuss only that topic in that paragraph. Don't get so confused that you try to turn a discussion into a debate. Be aware of your sentence structure and punctuation problems. Remember that all first words of sentences must be capitalized. All words after a period are capitalized.  
  
Work on your grammar as well. Try to do more grammar exercises to help you learn how to develop proper English sentence structures. Fill in the blanks exercises with multiple choice answers will serve you well in terms of grammar exercises and vocabulary development.
## The effect of innovation in the sphere of communication

  
  
There is no doubt that the developments of technology during the past thirty years have improved communication which promotes the global cooperation for both individuals and society. Besides, this change also has some disadvantage for people's life. This essay will discuss about the effect of these innovation.  
  
In fact, the benefits of the development in technological communication for human's society are untold. For individuals, this change helps them time because instead of waiting for a long time to send letters, people can exchange information immediately by using cellphone or access internet. In addition people also can save their money since some applications allow they send messages without paying any fee. With society, this innovation bridges the gap in cultures and regions, so it promotes the integration among different areas. For instant, internet and computer software allow companies can manage their subsidies and create the meetings easily.  
  
By contrast, the changing in communication also makes some negative effect for human's life. Nowadays, people abuse technology, this action leads them to lack interactive communication. As the results people are short of communication skills and can be isolated. About society, some people take advantage of this innovation to cheat or harm others. Consequently, in our society there are a new crime wave occurred named cyber criminals.  
  
All in all, the changing in communication has both advantages and disadvantages. It makes our life more comfortable and convenient but it also causes some problem. However, in my opinion the benefits of this change outweigh these drawbacks.
Daisy. I wish you had provided the original prompt for this discussion so that I could have a better idea as to how the discussion of the given topic was to be approached by the writer. I am unsure as to whether or not you have followed the discussion instructions in your writing so I will not touch on that topic in the review of your work. Instead, I will focus on the grammar and continuity problems in your essay.  
  
You have a tendency to use connecting words such as "besides" and "in fact", which are words used to connect previous sentences to the next sentence. Or, in some instances, it is used to connect 2 different ideas in one sentence. You also show a lack of understanding as to how to properly use connecting words because you failed to use these words in certain instances. Some examples of these mistakes are:  
  
Besides, this change also has some disadvantage for people's life.  
- Where is the advantage discussion? That should have been presented first.  
  
In fact, the benefits of the development  
- Where is the topic sentence? An explanation leading up to this statement should be shown first.  
  
this change helps them time  
- There is a missing connecting word here. There is an action completed but no subject indicated before the action.  
  
For instant  
- For instance  
  
I cannot go deeper into the problems of your paper without knowing what this paper is supposed to have accomplished. I am really sad that I cannot give you a more intricate review of your work. Maybe, if you remember to post the prompt with your next essay, I will be able to better help you improve your writing skills based on the analysis of your work in relation to the instructions you were provided.
## less interpersonal communication every day

  
  
Nowadays, there are more and more people tend to complete their daily tasks by smart devices without connecting with other people in person. This has both positive and negative impacts on individual as well as the society. This essay is going to discuss both sides of the issue.  
  
Thanks to modern technology, routine tasks can be performed very conveniently and quickly without meeting with other in person. For example, people often purchase item on the internet and do banking from home. This increases productivity and help save time, which means people have chance to nurture their spiritual life. Regarding society, the more content people become, the higher living quality is.  
  
On the contrary, overusing of technological devices makes people reliant on and then addicted to them; as a result, people will spend less time connecting with their networks. This results in deteriorated relationships and smaller social circles of a person. It is common to see a group of friends gathering but focusing on their mobile phones instead of chatting with each other. Gradually, this makes the society a place where everybody is isolated.  
  
To overcome those disadvantages, citizens should learn to make the most of advanced facilities more wisely. We also had better use these devices to a certain degree and prioritize to build up our social networks.  
  
In sum, the information age brings in not only significant benefits but also some bad effects which we are hardly aware of.
Dam, this essay will receive a major deduction in points, which will definitely prevent it from getting a passing score, because you wrote only 240 words. 10 words less than the minimum word requirement for this sort of test. The minimum word requirement is 250 words. You can only expect to be scored properly if you write at least the minimum word requirement. When you are not capable of writing the minimum word requirement, the implication is that you do not have enough of an English vocabulary nor a proper grasp of English writing to help you make yourself understood when expressing yourself in English. You need to write anywhere between 250-275 words (for editing time purposes) in order to direct your essay towards getting a passing score on all counts.  
  
Now, due to the lack of original prompt presentation, I am unable to accurately judge the essay you have written for the purposes of finding your weak points. I need the prompt to measure the appropriateness of your response and then advice you from there. Please remember to post the instructions the next time you post an essay here for review. For now, I can only advise you regarding the most obvious problem in your essay which is the word count.
01/11/2014  
  
*It's better for people to be unemployed than people to be employed but they don't enjoy. Do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## great job or no job at all?

  
  
Nowadays, many people choose to stay unoccupied instead of taking up a position which is not corresponding to their hobbies. However, I completely disagree with this idea for some reasons will be discussed as below.  
  
The option to be out of work is disadvantageous to some extent. Firstly, work plays an integral part in guaranteeing the quality of life. If people are unemployed they will not have regular income so that means no money to pay for the bills. Secondly, unemployment in long term can have a negative impact on health. People trying to find a particular job but not successful can experience the feelings of worthlessness and disappointment. This in turn can cause serious mental illness such as depression or anxiety.  
  
At the same time, there are some benefits to be gained by people sticking to a job they don't like. The first reason for it could be not so many people can know exactly about their dream job at the beginning. Therefore doing various tasks in different organizations definitely gives them a chance to find out their true calling. For example, my brother had a vague idea about his future career when he first left university. But after spending two years working in different sectors, he finally landed a job which was right up his alley. Furthermore, being employed also allows people especially youngsters to master vital soft skills and expand their social network as well.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that being on the job is better than doing nothing.
yep...sometimes not doing what u dont like is good...but in life u dont do only bcoz u like that job directly, but u do it rather bcoz u get something out of it that u like...for instance if u dont like ur job then think whether u get something out of this job which u want, but wud not get it frm any other options available...  
  
in that case u wil realize that u r doing it for a reason, and this will giv satisfaction in what u do...  
  
on the other hand, if u have better options then u shift to the other option...  
  
also, if u r ready not to do the job, and thereby ready to lose the benifit, then go ahead...drop the job...  
  
furthermore, fulfillment may not b immediate...this too u hav to keep in mind...  
  
perhaps the fulfillment that the job gives u is to b realized later...so dont just look into immediate benefits...consider future benefits frm the job too and take ur decision...  
  
carrying on in the aforementioned way will make ur self accept work only for just reasons, and wil enable the world to break out of modern slavery...