dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Colby, please refer to the following advice on a numerical listing for your responses. You have some pretty good topic sentences but very weak follow throughs on your discussion.  
  
1. You need to address how you developed your career goals for becoming a diplomat. What weakness did you see in the relationship between the US and South Korea that you feel needs to be addressed? How do you plan to address it? Why do you think it needs a resolution? The proper response to this question will requite you to delete the total response in order to write a new response that will address the questions properly. Avoid redundancies. You were asked what your goal is, the response should be "I want to become a diplomat..." redundancies take away from your character count so avoid repeating information that the reader already knows about.  
  
2. Your grandfather did not provide you with inspiration. He inspired you with character traits. Inspiration in this case would be more alongside a mantra, a motto, or something or anything that you look to for help or inner strength when you feel down or troubled.  
  
3. Change the point of view in the second sentence. Rather than having you compliment yourself, use the same words to describe yourself only this time, do it from your counselor's point of view.  
  
These changes should help strengthen your statement responses. If you have any other responses you want reviewed, don't hesitate to post it here. I'll be sure to comment on them.
*Hello, this is my first thread in this forum. Please give your advice for my essay. Thankyou.*  
  
## raising of tourism effects

  
  
Tourism has extremely increased in the last five decades. Some people believe that raising of tourism brought overweight negative impact on local in habitants and th environment. While, others claim that is carry positive effect for the economy.  
  
In the one hand, object destination endure drawbacks for indigenous and the environment. The overcrowded traveler carelessly leave garbage and pollute the tourism attractions. This can be seen in Bali, Indonesia, visitors throwing trash around the beach and it will turn into plastic pollution in ocean. The litter problem in Bali ocean is getting worse and international media reported big concern about this situation. Definitely, it caused damage for the ocean ecosystems, sea organism will extinct and the beautiful landscape under the sea fade away.  
  
However, when there are many tourist in a object attraction, it also give improvements to the economy. With the high number of visitors, it exactly boost a national foreign exchange income. For example, Bali offering nature scenery to attract people, so that many foreigner come to bali enjoy the nature landscape. They usually buy handcraft, accessories, clothes nearby. There is no doubt that tourism have huge effect for economic development, because when they had vacation and spent their money, it will give great impact for local profit.  
  
Although there are some benefits of increasing tourism for economic, the side effects of that carry damage for environment. It is better to control the visitor for come to the object destination.
## Comparison of two leading real estate firms in the town

  
  
The following appeared in a letter from a homeowner to a friend.  
"Of the two leading real estate firms in our town-Adams Realty and Fitch Realty-Adams Realty is clearly superior. Adams has 40 real estate agents; in contrast, Fitch has 25, many of whom work only part-time. Moreover, Adams' revenue last year was twice as high as that of Fitch and included home sales that averaged $168,000, compared to Fitch's $144,000. Homes listed with Adams sell faster as well: ten years ago I listed my home with Fitch, and it took more than four months to sell; last year, when I sold another home, I listed it with Adams, and it took only one month. Thus, if you want to sell your home quickly and at a good price, you should use Adams Realty."  
  
*Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.*  
  
\*\*\*  
  
The argument regarding the best real estate firm is relying on three questionable assumptions that undermine its validity. First, the argument suggests that Adams Realty has the biggest profit. Second, it implies that Fitch Realty has slower marketing than Adams. Finally, it presupposes that Adams Realty is considerable as superior firms based on the amount and working time of its employees.  
  
The argument, first of all, suggests without proof that Adams Realty has the biggest profit based on its revenue. The data is not very clear because the homeowner has not mentioned the manufacturing costs of the two companies. There is a possibilty that Adams charges being much more than those on Fitch's. For example, Adams has more agents so it could cost more in employer's salary. Therefore, the argument cannot be concluded without all this information.  
  
Second, the argument assumes without proof, that Fitch Realty spends more time in selling their homes rather than Adams'. But that is biased fact because homeowner compares between Fitch and Adams not in a same period. Ten years in the past could has a big difference today. For example, ten years ago, less people looking for new home through real estate firm. In addition, the homeowner does not clearly mentioned about the detail of the sold homes, such as its location, area, size, etc of two homes.  
  
Finally, the argument implies that the bigger amount and working time of Adams' employees make it a superior firm. However, a successful company is determined by many factors, not only because of its huge employees. When the leaders understand the way to drive their companies in an effective and efficient way, there is no need of copious workers. Moreover, there is no clear information about the qualities and competencies between those two company's agents.  
  
So, the difficulty with the argument, as presented above, is that it makes several unwarranted assumptions. For that reason, the conclusion does not follow logically from the permises.
Nuradia, I think that the highest this essay can score is a 3 based on several reasons. The first is that although you present the reasons why the discussion is flawed, your reasoning is not strong enough to support your argument. For example you said:  
  
There is a possibilty that Adams charges being much more than those on Fitch's.  
- What charges are these? Since Fitch and Adams are real estate companies, there ar eno manufacturing costs on their part since they are selling RFO or ready for occupancy homes. The homes are already built by someone else. They are just selling it.  
  
Adams has more agents so it could cost more in employer's salary.  
- You based your assumption upon what reason? Remember, the best way to argue this is by presenting your own knowledge of the discussion topic. Since the agents work on commission aside from a salary, you have not really convincingly discussed this issue.  
  
There are several other samples throughout the essay that show how your assessment of the data is incomplete. Remember, in the GRE essay, you should be able to assume the opposing argument and argue against it through valid reasoning, assumptions, and practical evidence. In this instance, your discussion is just as weak as the original letter being presented.
## TOEFL - Independent Task

  
  
**Independent Topic: Always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.**  
  
*Kindly rate me in between 0 - 5. My response is given below:*  
  
Maintaining a good relationship between people is not an easy task but very complex. Many factors may contribute to a good relationship between two people. A trait of always telling the truth is one of them. Some people may say that this trait is the most important thing in maintaining a good relationship. However, it is not always the case in practical world.  
  
Many people can not absorb truth especially if it is something that goes against them. One of my friends in school was very sensitive about himself. I can remember very well that when I used to talk something negative about him, for example, about his speech in a program, he used to get very angry. It shows that he was not able to accept the truth and ultimately this trait of telling truth before him suffered our relationship in a greater extent. Similarly there are people who becomes depressed or frustrated when they are crticized constructively and definitely it hampers the relationship between them. So, it shows telling the truth, specially when it is bitter, might affect a relationship heavily.  
  
Sometimes there are situations when the result of a simple lie worth much than telling the truth. For instance, a people, living in an extremely religious country, is going to be killed judicially for simple fighting with his neighbours. And his life can be saved if a witness says that he is not involved with the fighting. In such situation, I would definitely vote to say a lie in order to save a life. Thus, not telling truth can make the relationship stronger sometimes.  
  
I knew another people who classified as hostile in the eyes of his collegues as because he said truth to his boss. And eventually he had to leave his job. This telling truth ultimately did no good for him even though it was not his fault.  
  
In conclusion, relationship depends on many factors. Situation is one of the most important factors among them. It is situation that will determine what to do or how to do. Sometimes it is the nature of person that will decide whether you can always tell the truth or not. That is why there is no way to say that always telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.
hi @jam92, the problem is that i didn't understand the topic as you didn't describe it well, are you meant to be writing for or against it so i could know how to comment. asides that, the essay isn't flowing well.try and arrange it to into parts like intro, the body where you talk about the pros and cons and finally your opinion about the topic.  
  
The essay should turn out better.  
  
hope I've been of help
Hi Jam,  
Your prompt does not indicate whether support or against the idea but I will understand that your choice is against the idea of telling the truth. I think your essay is quite good. It is concise. However, it should not have contained an individual experience unless the prompt required you to use your own experience as an example supporting your opinion. Although the idea flows smoothly, your clues are so specifics that goes against your debate. Should it be more convinced if you ultimate a general information such as news or scientific research as an evidence to your essay
James, based on your problem with expressing yourself in English, this essay cannot score higher than a 2 in an actual test setting. You are being hindered by the confusing sentence development and presentation in this essay. You do not use appropriate words in given instances and you have a problem with presenting a clear though process. All of these, plus your mistakes in punctuation and grammar added up to the final score for your essay.  
  
It would be best if you try to brush up on your sentence structure skills. Take the time to truly explain what you mean in short but adequately informative sentences. That way you will be able to explain yourself in a manner that the reader can really understand. Try to explain yourself within 5 sentences at the most and always remember to proofread and edit your essay before you submit it.  
  
Remember, you always need to aim for clarity in your presentation. You do not need too many words in your essay, you just need to present at least the minimum in a clear and concise manner. If you cannot do that then you will fail the test. For this essay, it would have been better if you had simply chosen one side of the argument to agree with so that the essay would have been easier for you to write because your focus would have been on perfecting only one discussion within the given time limit.
## gre test preparation essay

  
  
Argument 15  
The following memorandum is from the business manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants. "Recently, butter has been replaced by margarine in Happy Pancake House restaurants throughout the southwestern United States. This change, however, has had little impact on our customers. In fact, only about 2 percent of customers have complained, indicating that an average of 98 people out of 100 are happy with the change. Furthermore, many servers have reported that a number of customers who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. Clearly, either these customers do not distinguish butter from margarine or they use the term 'butter' to refer to either butter or margarine."  
  
Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.[/b]  
  
The manager of Happy Pancake House restaurants believes that the recent change of butter with margarine had a negligible impact on their customers. Because only 2% of customers complained and customers did not complain about the replacement of the butter to the server. In order to understand more about this situation, we need to explore more explanations.  
  
Only 2% of customers have complained, the manager believed that 98% of customers were satisfied with the change. But is this true? There are other reasons can explain why only 2% of customers complained. Some customers don't complain to the server directly in order to avoid embarrassment. Actually, there are more than 2% of customers don't like the change.  
  
According to the servers, a lot of clients who ask for butter do not complain when they are given margarine instead. The manager implied that the clients can not distinguish between butter or margarine. Perhaps, some clients just don't want to insist on asking for a real butter in public. Some clients feeling deceived may not shop at Happy Pancake House anymore. The manager should not only pay attention to whether clients will complain about margarine, but should pay attention to whether clients will return to Happy Pancake House.  
  
There are other ways to get a better understanding of customer feedback. For example, instead of receiving complains passively, servers can use a questionnaire to know the thoughts of clients. Furthermore, in the Social Network Era, the manager can know the thoughts of clients through the comments on Facebook or google maps. These methods can more realistically reflect clients opinions.  
  
To sum up, although there are a few complaints from the clients, determining the truth of clients opinions requires further investigation. It may make the Happy Pancake House more successful to take opinions above into consideration.
Hi Chen, your essay can possibly score a 5 with this type of writing. You clearly understood the assigned reading material and presented a logical and coherent discussion regarding it. However, you have problems with redundancy and sentence structure plus punctuation errors that held your essay back from getting a higher score.  
  
In the first paragraph, you started a sentence with the word "Because" which is a connecting word. As you know, connecting words are used to connect 2 ideas within one sentence. That is the main reason why a connecting word cannot be used to start a sentence, there is no other idea to connect at the start of a sentence. Rather than starting that sentence with "because", you could have instead kicked it off with " That is because..." The word "because" in this instance, connects an upcoming reason to the previous sentence, which then creates a connected discussion for the paragraph presentation.  
  
In the second paragraph, you used the same information again regarding the 2% of clients who complained. This is highly similar to the reason in the preceding paragraph, so this presentation is redundant. Try to always compress your discussion into one paragraph for related topics. That way you create a cohesive discussion that avoids information repetition.  
  
Since this is an academic essay, try to avoid slang English terms such as "a lot" instead use the academic equivalent "a number of" or a similar descriptive phrase. Always keep an academic tone in an academic essay presentation.
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to attract good students, many universities spend a lot of money in society activities.*  
  
## school's money allocation to attract good students

  
  
With the increasingly intense competition in attracting good students between different school these days, many communities have been heartedly debating on the school's money allocation to attract good students. Some people believe that it is reasonable to spend a lot of money in social activities. While other hold the opposite opinion that this money can be allocated into more meaningful ways to attract good students. Frankly, the latter standpoint, I believe, is more convincing.  
  
Admittedly, a minority of individuals tend to believe that social activities can enrich students' social life to some extent. To be more specific, students can join different activities since scores of money spent on social activities. Meanwhile, through these activities, it is a good opportunity for students to communicate with people who take part in as well. Thus, students can acquire more social skills which will exert a huge profound impact on their lives.  
  
However, schools, as the academic institutions, have the obligation to give higher priority to the funding of other areas than to that of social activities. To start with, the money can be put into the improvement of the fundamental equipment, for example, library. This is because students will look through some information about the projects or read the books they interest in in the library. According to a latest research about the reading ability conducted by China Youth and Children Research Center in 2017, those students who always like to go to the library can address 70% problems towards to a reading comprehension given by the researchers than the students who seldom go to the library, which suggests that reading in the library may boost students' comprehension. Hence, more funding should be invested into the promotion of the library.  
  
In addition, it is improving the food students eat that school can spend money on. It is on the grounds that students could be profoundly influenced by the intake of nutrition during the crucial stage of growth. What is more, increasing the number of healthy options available will make it more likely students will be able to find something nutritious they like to eat. Consequently, students can end up using their money to choose a less-than-healthy mix of foods each day which will lead to the healthy body. So, having a variety of food in the cafeteria is a pivotal criterion for schools to attract good students.  
  
Judging from all the situations mentioned above, we may reach the conclusion that it is not wise for schools to allocate funding to support social activities for the sake of attracting good students. It is because hard-working students care the most about studying environment and living conditions than the activities when choosing a college. Thus, I do believe that these money may be spent into other aspects instead of social activities.
Hello Vateye,  
Your essay is good with the academic vocabulary. Here are my some feedback:  
  
1/ "Society activities" that you mentioned in your essay, is not clear and particular. You pointed out by "different activities" but what are those activities? In my opinion, it will be more convinced if you can list some specific activities that are impractical for a school to spend on.  
  
2/ In the paragraph 3, the 3rd sentence, "they interest in" = > should be "they are interested in"  
  
3/ A lot of words that are repeated frequently in just 1 paragraph such as "attract good students" in paragraph 1 or "social activities", "Activities" in the 2nd paragraph.  
  
4/ You are good in grammar I guess. But I think you are over ultimate the usage of it. Your 1 sentence is too long that causes reader confused about what you demonstrate.
Vate, the essay is not asking whether you believe one point of view is convincing or not. The essay is asking whether you agree or disagree with the given statement. That is, that universities need to spend a lot of money in given activities. This is a direct question statement that you changed the topic for discussion of and in the process, failed to properly respond to the essay. Let me outline the mistakes you made here:  
  
Original topic: many universities spend a lot of money in society activities.  
Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? (Answerable by yes/no or I agree/ I disagree)  
  
Your topic: many communities have been heartedly debating on the school's money allocation to attract good students  
Reasoning: Some people believe that it is reasonable to spend a lot of money in social activities. While other hold the opposite opinion that this money can be allocated into more meaningful ways to attract good students.  
  
Task Response: Frankly, the latter standpoint, I believe, is more convincing.  
  
You created a 2 point of view discussion essay when this is a single point of view discussion using a direct response format. Therefore, your task accuracy is going to be less than stellar and you will only be scored on the parts of your essay that respond to the task. Since your TA score will be low, it will be difficult for you to improve your score in the final overall consideration due to other problems in relation to the remaining scoring considerations. Never change the discussion requirements of the essay. When you do that, you be creating a prompt deviation that could very well prevent you from gaining a passing score in the test.
## a lot of money goes on family events

  
  
Dear all, it is me again... as usual, comments are always welcome! many thanks!  
  
**People spend too much on family celebrations such as birthdays and weddings. What are the importance of these celebrations? Do you think people really spend too much?**  
  
Nowadays people tend to spend a lot on family events like weddings and birthday parties. While these celebrations are vital of the function of building strong family bonding between family members, I believe they sometimes are wasting too much to make the event looks grand.  
  
It is undeniable that family celebrations take the essential role to the family as of it facilitating the reunion of family members. A birthday party for grandfather, for example, not only to celebrate of his birthday but also a chance for family members and relatives to group together. During the event they can meet, talk and share and I believe strong family bonding will be built throughout the event. Moreover a family celebration also suitable place for the announcement to carry out. Wedding party, for instance, is a place to let friends and families of husband and wife to meet and as a witness of two people form the family.  
  
Despite this, it will never be the excuse to spend so much on any celebration event. In fact it is common to seen people are too materialism when they are arranging their event of celebration. For example, they tend to hold it in the ball room of a grand hotel instead of restaurant or other places just because of the decoration. They also preferring luxury food and beverage as well as hiring live band for music just for better enjoyment and entertainment. By which I believe it is already not align with the main purpose of the celebrating event which needed at the beginning.  
  
In conclusion, although celebrating events are important for family reunion, their approach on overspending onto these are not encouraged.