dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## The main sources of energy in the USA in 1980 and 1990

  
  
The given graphs compare the percentage of five used sources of energy consumed in the USA in 1980 and 1990. Overall, the consumption of oil dominating other sources in energy industry could be seen at the first glance. While, there was not much changes in the proportion of other categories.  
  
In 1980, oil contributed 42% and was the best choice for sources of energy. The second and third highest figures were from natural gas and coal, with 26% and 22% respectively. After 10 years, the rate of oil remained the most reliable type of energy, yet decreased by 9%. Coal appeared to be the second highest percentage (27%) at the expense of oil. However, the proportion of natural gas was virtually the same, which decreased to 25%.  
  
The source of energy produced from nuclear power was taken more consideration after one decade, which the proportion doubled to 10% in 1990. However, the percentage of used hydroelectric power remained the lowest figure accounting for 5% compare to other categories in two given years  
  
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You did not bother to change the chart description in your presentation. You need to change that to a description totally different from the original presentation. In the original, the phrase "The given graph" was used. In your version, this should be a specific image description; "The divided pie charts..." so that the reader will know the exact image being presented. You need to show the examiner that you actually know the types of images used in research as a part of your analytical prowess. There needs to be a uniform 3-5 sentence per paragraph. Otherwise, the information you present in the under served sentence paragraph will be seen as incomplete, under developed, or little explained.
As there are a review about your overall writing, I would just give some feedbacks about small grammar details you should pay attention. These mistakes may be small but they can cost you lots of point as grammar accuracy must always be on point while writing IELTS task 1.  
  
1, "... of oil dominating **the consumption of** other sources ..."  
2, "yet decrea**sing** by 9%"  
3, this sentence is quite odd. I would suggest this:"However, ... the same **as it only decreased about 1% over a span of 10 years**."
***The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping.***  
  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
It is discusses that reducing the need for people to go to work, school is the only way to decrease the amount of traffic in the cities. While I agree that the amount of traffic in the cities will be decreased by reducing the requirement to go out, I believe that it is not the only way to reduce the traffic.  
  
On the one hand, I agree reducing the requirement to go out will reduce the traffic in the city. Nowaday, many people are having tendency to using thier own vehicle because they find it convenient and they can go to work or take their children to school without taking money. That is the main reason why the amount of the traffic is increasing in many city, which lead to traffic congestion and accidents. Fortunately, with the development of internet, employees can work in home, which they can send their assignments to they manager or attend online meeting. Or even the students can join their online classes so that the amount of traffic can be reduce in the city.  
  
Nevertheless, reduce the need cant be the only way to reduce he traffic in the city because reducing the need for people to go to work, school can make them lack of social skills. Instead of reducing it, the goverment should encourage people to use public transports or cooperate with the individual companies to make the suitable schedule for employees like some days they will work in home and the other days will work in office.  
  
In conclusion, while reducing the need to go out for work, education, entertainment can decrease the traffic in the cities, I dont believe that it is the only way.
Hello daneko, underneath are some mistakes you need to fix:  
  
1,It is discusses that reducing the need for people to go to ->discusses have to change into discussed this sentence is a passive not an active  
  
2,I agree reducing the requirement to go out will reduce the traffic in the city->"to go out" I think you should change into For going out .Will-> can  
  
3, nowadayS  
4, their  
5, To using-> to use  
6,taking money-> losing money/ having to bring money with them  
7,leadS to traffic congestion  
8,work AT home-> Home have to go with "at", not "in"  
9, the amount of traffic can be reduceD  
10,reducING the need  
11,You should try to learn how to paraphrase more.  
12,I dont believe that it ... it sounds a little bit curt,you should write more like ,I dont believe that it is the only way to help people to cut down on the traffic jam
The sentence formation of your opening paraphrase is incorrect. The first sentence does not make any sense. Who is discussing what? Why is it being discussed? These are key elements presented in the original prompt that should be in your restatement. These are missing or nonsensical in your presentation. It has created confusion in the paragraph which has led to an unclear response to the given question.  
  
You should have phrased your response as a measured presentation similar to; "I agree with this statement only up to the extent that traffic in cities will be decreased... I believe that there are other ways...Two methods that can be used are..." Always combine the measured extent response with a specific reason or two for your presentation.  
  
This is a single point of view, not a comparison essay so when you use the comparison discussion, you are blurring your actual line of reasoning, which will lead to a reduced score due to a lack of clarity on your opinion. Always focus on defending your reasons and nothing more. The strength of this discussion lies in your ability to convince the reader that only your point of view is correct. You cannot do that if you offer a comparative discussion.  
  
The conclusion is incomplete. You need to present a proper summary of the topic, your measured response, and reasons. Use at least 3 sentences to make sure you cover all the bases, but don't write more than 5. A minimum of 40 words in this paragraph will also suffice. Avoid a run-on presentation as you have done so in this presentation.
PLease give feedback to my essay.  
  
## statistics of main exported products

  
  
The chart below shows the value of one country's exports in various categories during 2015 and 2016. The table shows the percentage change in each category or exports in 2016 compared with 2015.  
  
ielts-simon.com/.a/6a0120a5bb05d8970c0240a4ce9596200d-pi  
  
*The bar chart and graph give information about the value of five main exported products in one country in both years 2015 and 2016.  
It is undeniable that the earnings from all but one of five categories reported have increased during 2015 and 2016. While petroleum products contributed most to the country's income in both years shown, textiles experience the greatest growth in value.  
  
We can see clearly in the graph that most of the country's export earnings came from petroleum and engineered products. The value of these goods went up by 3% and 8.5% respectively but exporting petrol still brought the highest profit to the country's economy from 2015 to 2016.  
  
During both years reported, agricultural products seemed to see the least growth in value, with a 0.81% increase since 2015. By contrast, exported earnings from textiles rose rapidly with a recorded 15.24% increase. When compared to those products above, there was a 5.18% decline in the value of gems and jewelry.*  
  
(163 words)
I would fix some small mistakes in grammar like these:  
1, "in one country in both ~~years~~ 2015 and 2016."  
2, "can clearly see"  
3, "textiles experienced the greatest growth...  
These are just small details but they are all related to grammar accuracy which cost a lot of points. You can write shortly, and use simple vocabulary but grammar accuracy must always be in point. And a variety of grammar structures can help you gain more points.
## islip town map and development plan

  
  
The diagrams illustrate the current construction of the town called Islip and the scheme which will indicate following a planned expansion.  
  
Overall, some shops and the countryside are set to become different kinds of facilities, and the transportation of the town is planned to encircle most construction.  
  
At present, the broad countryside in the north of the town, to the south of which are two rows of shops which flank the main road. Following, a wide residential area is placed in the south of the shops, to the west and east of which is positioned a school and a park respectively. Whereas both of them could be reached through branches of the main road extended in the east and west.  
  
In the development scheme, the countryside and the northern side shops will have been replaced by a bus station, a shopping center, a car park, and new housing from west to east of the town. While the main road will have been turned into a pavement, which will have been connected to the dual carriageway through a branch. The circular way will have encircled most infrastructure except the school and the residential area in the southwest and south of the town respectively. Finally, the park will have decreased in size, to the west of which is new housing.  
  
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When the image is described on the instructions as a diagram, that is your cue, as the exam taker, to change that keyword. So, a diagram can be called a map, an outline, an illustration, a design, a drawing, a picture, there are endless variations on the original word. You have to change that word so you can show off your LR skills and also, avoid being scored down for using cut and paste or memorized phrases. You will be scored less for every word that you use from the original presentation.  
  
Your summary overview should have 3-5 sentences, there is no use in having a stand alone trending statement when your first paragraph does not follow the minimum paragraph requirement. Yes, some tutors tell you to use 2 sentences. However, that does not allow you to clearly represent the summarized information from the image. That can only be achieved with a minimum of 3 sentences in the presentation.  
  
You use the phrase "will have been" too often in the second paragraph. Again, this will result in the assumption of memorized phrases and your inability to use synonyms in the essay. Try to change that word in every reference sentence. You could say:  
  
- Will have been  
- Shall become  
- Will be turned into  
- is going to become / be  
  
Among other variations of the phrase.
## Us consumers average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone service

  
  
The line graph compares average yearly spending of Americans on mobile phone and landline phone services over a decade.  
  
It is clearly seen that, over the period of ten years the residential phone services decreased tremendously while cell phone consumers increased sharply.  
  
As can be seen, in 2001 the annual expenditure of landline phone service declined dramatically. Declining from around $700 to close to $500 over the following five years. On the other hand there was a sharply rose in the spending on mobile phone service which was from $200 to a little over $500 from 2001 to 2006.  
  
Having a close look, the average annual expenditure of US paid out the same amount of money on both type of phone service which was over $500 on each services. Although the expenditure of residential phone service dropped, the spending of cell phone service soared between 2001 and 2010.
It would be easier for others to review your essay is you included the picture of the graph.  
1, "As can be seen, in 2001 the annual expenditure of landline phone service declined dramatically. Declining from around $700 to close to $500 over the following five years"  
  
These should be 1 sentence, as the phrase "Declining from around $700 to close to $500 over the following five years" is incomplete. You should write "As can be seen, in 2001 the annual expenditure of landline phone service declined dramatically, from around $700 to close to $500 over five years"  
  
2, "On the other hand there was a **sharp** rose in the spending ..."  
Overall, i think you should pay more attention to the grammar. You can use simple vocabulary, but grammar accuracy and variety are very important.
Here are my suggested corrections for your sentence presentations. I hope these work for you. I am not sure what these corrections will be used for or how it will be used in a presentation so I am just giving a simple correction of the grammar errors.  
  
1 - Doctors carry great responsibilities in societies. For example, they carry out multiple surgeries and inoculate people against diseases through vaccine injections.  
2 - For clarification, inventors create instruments or gadgets to make people's live easier. They spend their lives researching and inventing new technologies which we use these days. Examples of these inventions can be seen in medical equipment and technical devices.
This is my first time I use this website, could you give me some comments about my writing please?? Thank you so much.  
  
## gender of prison inmates and criminal conviction numbers

  
  
Given are two figures concerning criminality in Britain. While the first indicates the gender of the convicted criminal, the second gives data on the rate of the offender between male and female in various ages.  
  
It is clear that 96 percent of Britain in gaol are men, and a mere 4 percent are women. The figure has shown that the male criminal convictions of Britain increase dramatically from 10 years old and reach a peak at the age of 20 at 16 percent. There is the same rise of females in the same age period which start at 0 percent among 10-year-old then climb to approximately 5 percent at the age of 20. In the following years, criminality has a tendency of decreasing sharply in both genders. At 60 years old, the convictions percentage of females are merely 0 percent, while male are higher at 2 percent by the similar age.  
  
In the total 100 percent of all prisoners, there is a negligible 4 percent is female, and the remainder are men.  
  
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First of all, you have to write 150 words otherwise you will be penalized ... then it is better to follow a specific method or structure: Introduction ( only paraphrasing the question ) + Overview ( summarize the most noticeable features no numbers ) + Paragraphs ( 2 paragraphs look more organized ) you have to read more about this task structure and it is important to review the task 1 writing band descriptors for example from that description IF you need 7+ you have to present a clear overview of main trends you will this under Task Achievement band 7.
Considering you wrote 172 words, I do not understand why you are being warned about a penalty for writing under the word count of 150 words. Please ignore that advise. You wrote the right number of words in this essay. What I would like to call your attention to, is the missing trending statement in the summary paragraph. You need to present the trending statement at the end to complete your summary overview. You should also properly identify the two images presented in the essay. What kind is it? A pie chart and a fluctuating line graph. Always complete the summary overview information to help the reader better understand which information belongs where.  
  
The lack of proper image identification in relation to the information you are presenting in the essay are what will prevent this essay from getting a better score. The clarity of the information you are presenting just isn't there. All because you forgot to separate the information in the last 2 information paragraphs based on image reference points.
***In developing countries, children in rural communities have less access to education. Some people believe that the best way to solve the problem by providing schools and teachers. Some others think that it is better to provide computers and internet access.***  
  
## Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

  
  
This is my first post here. I hope to receive some feedbacks from you. I mainly self study so sometimes I don't really know my common mistakes.  
  
*People have different views about whether providing teachers or internet connection is better to solve the problem of illiteracy in mountainous areas. While computing and searching skills can often be useful for children, I believe that the learning journey with teachers in classrooms is more effective.  
  
On the one hand, students in remoted regions can quickly access to huge sources of information over the internet. Not only can they acquire knowledge about basic subjects like Math or Chemistry, they can broaden their horizons of other areas. It is true that they can improve their foreign languages effectively by communicating with native speakers via Facebook or Skype, or start learning other soft skills online easily. Besides, the provision of computers and internet is more affordable for the governments because it just includes the installation fees and the money for hiring some local experts to give instructions for the students to use. Also, the maintenance expenses are quite reasonable compared to the budget on building schools and hiring teachers.  
  
On the other hand, it cannot be denied that teachers play an indispensable role in instructing the students to become good citizens. In a classroom, teachers not only teach knowledge to their pupils, but guide them how to behave kindly towards others as well. For instance, students will be given punishment if they bully their classmates. When studying in groups or playing with others, children's sense of community and co-operation will be surely enhanced. Therefore, the construction of schools and provision of teachers are the shortcuts to raise children's education.  
  
In conclusion, I would argue that providing schools and teachers to students in isolated provinces is a best solution.*
Unfortunately, scoring is part of our premium private review services or URGENT thread marking. Only general reviews as provided in the free section of the forum. Any student who scores your essay will find his account suspended. So let me give you a general review of your work for now.  
  
The format of the essay is not correct. This is a 5 paragraph essay that should be discussing each public point of view in a stand alone paragraph, before the presentation of your personal point of view. You did not present a personal point of view in the reasoning paragraphs. So the essay is tangential in response. Meaning your response is complete, but not complete enough. The missing discussion point is what creates that situation.  
  
Your prompt paraphrase is incorrect as well. You did not proper restate the topic, the 2 public opinions, and imply your personal opinion as a topic sentence. You cannot provide a complete opinion at this point because you have yet to compare the 2 discussion reasons from the public point of view.  
  
The concluding paragraph should be at least 40 words that represents the restatement of the topic, the reasoning paragraphs, and your point of view. Without that, the concluding paragraph is incomplete and unacceptable. What I can tell you is that the essay will have a difficult time achieving a passing score because of these problems, and several other rubic related errors.
## percentage of tourists to england who visited brighton attractions

  
  
The given line graph gives information about the proportion of travellers visiting four well-known locations in Brighton UK over the period of 30 years starting from 1980 to 2010.  
  
Overall, it is clearly seen from the chart that at the beginning of that period, festival was the attraction having the highest visitors, while at the last year, the pavilion took a lead. Pier remained the location with the least tourists most of the period.  
  
In 1980, the number of visitors travelling to the festival was around 30%, higher than the figures for pavilion and art gallery, which fluctuated 22% and 25%. The percentage of travellers coming to pier was about 10%.The proportion of tourists visiting pavilion significantly increased from 1985 to 1990, while the three other locations having visitors fell down.  
  
At the last period, pavilion was the location having the highest number of visitors, especially in 1995, the number was nearly 50%. Compared with the number of tourists visiting the festival, which remained stable, was about 27%.While visitors coming to art gallery continuously decreased by 7% in the last five years of the period. In the same time , the percentage of travellers visiting the pier went up to over 20%.
I would use:  
over 30 years instead of over the period of 30 years.  
  
Overall, it is clearly seen from the chart that at the beginning of that period, the festival was the attraction having the highest visitors, while the pavilion took a lead at the last year  
  
The proportion of tourists visiting pavilion significantly increased from 1985 to 1990, while visitors' three other locations fell down.  
  
Visitors coming to the art gallery continuously decreased by 7% in the last five years
## Energy consumption by fuel

  
  
The line graph illustrates data on 6 types of energy consumption in the US during the period between 1980 and 2030.  
Overall, it is clear that the consumption of natural resources namely nuclear, solar/wind and hydro power are predicted to witness a slight change until the last period. Meanwhile, the climb in natural gas, coal and petrol are particularly significant.  
  
As can be seen, petrol and oil were the most popular in the first period with 35 quadrillion units, which was followed by natural gas with 20 quadrillions units. In contrast, the amount of nuclear, solar/wind, hydropower was much lower from remaining sources, approximately 4 quadrillion units.  
  
Despite the first-hand advantage, there was a rapid fluctuation in both natural gas and petrol and oil until 2020 , whereas the rest recorded an increase. After that, the gap between those surveyed is expected to widen significantly toward the end of the period, more specifically, in 2030, the amount of petrol and oil consumption will reach its peak of approximately 48 quadrillion units, which is nearly 10 times higher than hydropower.  
  
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The summary paragraph is good, but you failed to explain the importance of the "significant" statement. It is an incomplete presentation. There is no reason for you to say that the increase is significant. You should present that information in comparison to a downtrend at least.  
  
Remove references to the image with "As can be seen" because you are being asked to create an imagined image of the graph in the thoughts of the reader. Just be direct to the point. Be more descriptive in your information presentation. Use a bit of creativity to help with the mental image creation. Don't just hit the reader with facts. Balance imagination with data.  
  
Your 3 paragraph presentation is composed of run-on sentences. You should learn to divide the paragraph into individual sentences. Make sure you use one topic per sentence to help you deliver a clearer presentation and an easier to follow information analysis.