dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
I have mixed feelings about your essay. On one hand, I can learn a lot from your fancy writing style. But, the reasoning in your essay wasn't strong enough. I would say this essay can get a 6 if the exam is in a good mood. There are lots to improve. Following is some of my thoughts.  
  
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My major comments:  
+ The 1st body paragraph is about how quick and easy the buying process is, but the skating rings and cinema is not illustrate that point. The process is easy and "it is easy to be temped" are completely different things.  
  
+ Without a concrete topic sentence for "Does shopping have more negative or positive features?", you can confused the reader when they start reading the 2nd body paragraph. Should do what the exam expects us to do. The same happens to the 3rd paragraph, because "Madness or not" is uncalled for, so consider removing it  
  
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Some trivial personal comments:  
+ Using 2 sentences to draw a general scheme in the opening is not the best choice.  
+ I suggest "younger generations" (plural) in the 1st sentence (or the young(er) generation)  
+ "The reasons (for this - I suggest) ... can be both worrying and exciting." The question is "Does shopping have ...", not does the reasons ..., and it sounds awkward to me anw.  
  
+ "Reason number one" - this is speaking language, consider switching to "The first reason"  
+ "...because the process is quick..." I agree that Joel Embiid is fast, but you need to specify "the buying/purchase process"  
+ You made an assumption that consumerism is a problem (which is, to me, controversial), and that young adults are supposed to deal with it (I don't think only the young, or the old, or any specific group are supposed to).  
  
+ "shopping is not that bad" is for speaking only.  
+ "But that is just a part of the process" what process, I feel lost 0.o
Viktoria, this essay basically entered deviation territory when it ignored the direct questions being asked in the original prompt and then proceeded to discuss your own understanding of what the instructions are about. Let's be clear here. Nothing in your essay can be considered a response to the original prompt. It was neither interpreted properly in the restatement, nor did it respond to the given questions as part of the thesis statement. It should have been indicated in the paraphrase as:  
  
*Millenials have come to be known as a generation of new adults who spend their free time purchasing items. The reason behind this is their financial independence at an early age. Since they do not tend to have good financial decision making skills yet, I see this spending habit of theirs as a negative feature. I will explain in more detail below.*  
  
Knowing how to write is different from knowing what to write. Knowing what to write requires an understanding of the question. Once you understand the question, you will know how to respond to it. What you have shown is that you know how to write but not what to write. That is because you clearly misunderstood the question or did not understand it which is why you wrote an essay so far from the original prompt requirements. This would result in a failing score for your essay in an actual setting. Work on your English comprehension skills before you proceed with your practice tests. Understanding what you need to write is more important than simply knowing that you can write in English. The latter is useless unless you have a clear idea about what you have to write about. Here is a tip, these types of questions are a single opinion essay. Start from there.
Nguyen, an essay, such as a such direct question essay or combination public pov and personal opinion requires a first person reference as per the original prompt instructions. First pronoun usage is a must. There is no way to discuss a personal opinion without presenting your original mindset. That is why I always advice my students to be clear with their ownership discussions. What that means is use first person references for personal opinion requirements and second or third person references for public opinions.  
  
Now, what I explained is my teaching style. Other teachers do it in other or similar ways. While there is no right or wrong way of writing the response easy, I believe that personal pronouns must be used for clarity where required. It is a reference that helps with coherence and cohesiveness in the essay. The reader needs to know who is speaking at all times and it shows that the writer understood the writing and pronoun requirements of the prompt. It increases the TA score when such clarity in discussion references are indicated throughout the essay as well.  
  
If the student agrees with that writing style and is comfortable with it, then great. However, if he agrees to a different writing style based on his teacher's instructions or his own writing style then that's alright too. I found though that my students all had almost perfect and perfect IELTS scores using my aforementioned writing style.
## effects of products which lighten people's skin

  
  
In many parts of the world today, there is a profitable market for products which lighten or whiten people's skin. Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.  
  
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Nowadays, cosmetics whitening and lightening skin of people are making huge profits for many companies and corporations. This essay will examine the causes why people use these kinds of products and evaluate their impacts on health and society.  
  
The first principle reason for that fact is people's attitudes about skin color. The majority might be convinced that the whiter and lighter their skins are, the more attractive they become. Taking the Asian which have incident skins of yellow pigment as an example, they seem to overestimate the white bright skin and hence, their style of making up and the use of whitening cosmetics probably turn their appearances into ones similar to the Western. One another practical reason is from the celebrity. They almost turn up on the media with remarkable skins of white and light and their influences encourage people to buy beauty products.  
  
In spite of the positive sides of these products such as improving the self-confidence of a person or stimulating the commercial, I suppose there are some negative effects on individual health and on society. Initially, these commodities might harm people when they get older on the ground that there is hardly an evidence to prove the safety of using them for a long period of time. Furthermore, they can adversely impact on society, driving people to misunderstand about beauty criteria. Every race has its own successive trait needing to be highly respected and the traditional values must be preserved at all cost.  
  
In conclusion, it cannot be denied that whitening and lightening products fulfill the rational desire to some extent. However, all people should take cosmetics into account and interpret some of the severe consequences that they may face with if constantly using those for a long time.  
  
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Thanks for your reading. I really need your correction if I get any mistake. I truly and highly appreciate your comments which will help me much improve my writing.
Mark, this is a direct question essay, not an opinion essay. Therefore, your opening paraphrase is partially incorrect and your concluding summary is also incorrect. The original prompt already told you what information you would need to include in the prompt paraphrase in order to prepare your discussion. These requirements are as follows:  
  
*Outline the reasons for using such products and discuss what effects they have in terms of health and society.*  
  
Therefore, the end of your prompt paraphrase should indicate 2 reasons, without a discussion presented along with one effect each for health and society again, without a discussion.  
  
The reasoning paragraph does not appropriately discuss the reasons. What you should have done was present a 5 paragraph discussion essay that represented the following:  
  
1. Prompt paraphrase with an outline of responses  
2. First reasoning paragraph with a transition sentence for the second reason at the end.  
3. Second reasoning paragraph with a transition sentence for the health and society effects  
4. A discussion of the social effect that uses a transitional phrase to introduce and begin the discussion of the health effects.  
5. A summary of the previous 3 statements that does not introduce a new topic for discussion as you mistakenly made in this presentation to close the discussion.
*TOPIC: People today do not feel safe either at home or when they are out. What are the causes?*  
  
## a fear among people nowadays

  
  
There are some reasons why people currently have to face seriously risks no matter where they are. Firstly, high essential demands for foods that is needing to produce in a mass way to respond timely, people might face the danger of poisoning even they are at home. For example, food poisoning by chemical stimulants for fast developing plants, many people have been admitted to hospital to treat. Secondly, when being out on the street, individual is difficult to avoid traffic accidents when vehicles are more and more increased and complex, such as striking car or motorbike, breaking down of aircraft engine system,.. This might negatively affect people's health and even life-threatening.  
  
*I just start to write ielts task 2 for several days, so i can only write a part of essay.*  
*Please correct for my passage. Thank you so much.*
Hi Phuong, I think you need to reconsider about your flow.  
You write about how worried people are on food (which may be faced in home and street) and traffic (which only be faced in street). It makes your ideas seem unbalanced.  
  
I think you need to control your grammar.  
*to face seriously [VERIFY THE WORD CLASS: SERIOUS] risks no matter  
high essential demands for foods that is [SUBJECT-VERB AGREEMENT: ARE] needing [PASSIVE PATTERN: NEEDED] to produce  
admitted to [ARTICLE: A] hospital to treat.  
Secondly, when being out on the street, [ARTICLE: A] individual*  
  
Moreover, look at the sentence below  
*Firstly, high essential ..., ...people might face ....*  
  
Both the red-colored and blue-colored clauses are complete sentences so what is called as a run-on sentence. Instead of using a comma, you may separate them into two sentences, combine them by a conjunction, or replace the comma with a semi-colon.  
  
Good luck.
Phuong, since you only wrote the opening paraphrase, I cannot say that you did a good job at it. Why is that? Well, you started the essay in the middle with a reasoning paragraph rather than showing the reader how well you understood the question by properly paraphrasing it. The correct paraphrase for this essay would have been:  
  
*These days, it appears that people have some apprehensions about their personal safety at home. This is a fear that they carry with them even after they leave the home and spend time outside. There are several reasons that people have a continuing fear for their safety such as...*  
  
As for this current paragraph, your first sentence is too long and lacks clarity. Don't use too many words when a single word such as "must" rather than "have to" would come across more clearly to the reader. Watch out for your punctuation marks as well. You have redundant punctuation marks in the third sentence. You cannot use a comma followed by an ellipses in a single sentence. Either use the comma and connect it to the next sentence or use the ellipses to indicating a continuing though process. Personally, I believe you wanted to use a period at the end of that sentence.
## Overpopulation of urban areas

  
  
**Overpopulation of urban areas has led to numerous problems.  
Identify one or two serious ones and suggest ways that governments and individuals can tackle these problems.**?  
  
When population increase significantly, then it becomes very difficult for government and individual to overcome problems. Overpopulation of urban areas has led to various problems. This essay will discuss why urban areas has led to overpopulation and put forward several solutions for these problems.  
  
First and far most, urban areas are facing a significant issue of water shortage because of increasing population ratio. Put simply, urban area face shortage of water due to heavy consumption of water everyday by heavy population, to overcome this issue government make contracts with private water tanker.  
  
To reduce water shortage, people has to paid weekly many time a heavy amount to water tankers. Sometimes water supplier do not provide water on time due to which people pending their domestic tasks. Many times people complain about these situations to government to provide any alternative for reduction of these circumstances.  
  
In addition, urban areas is also facing issue of rents, with increasing population rents of houses, flats increasing rapidly. People who are working on daily wedges or salaried person face troubles while living in such areas. In some areas where they want to live they can't afford rent, while in other areas where they are not willing to rent a house, they will face other issue due to lake of facilities.  
  
To put it more simply, Living in better area to get more facilities, consequently people have to worked more than their normal times to pay their rents. For those people who can't earn more they face issues like lake of good quality house, water, roads, market etc.  
  
There are several ways that governments and individuals can tackle these problems. If government make small dams this will reduce water shortage. Similarly if they put pressure on water tanker owners to provide two tankers per week with very low cost bearable for people. This will also reduce water shortage at domestic level. People should also store water in reservoir to avoid these difficulties, In addition people should avoid over usage of water to overcome water shortage issues. If government make small house for people who can't bear high rent and bound them to pay monthly a reasonable amount to government and after five years, they will be owner of the house, this will reduce urban areas living problem.
You need to make your paragraphs more well-balanced. The first five paragraphs are too short but the remaining is too long. You can combine some of them by using a connector.  
  
You may need to revise your thesis statement. Directly put your main ideas there.  
  
Below for your grammatical control:  
*urban areas HAVE led to  
consumption of water EVERY DAY by  
THE government SHOULD make contracts with A private...  
people HAVE to PAY weekly ... amount OF water tankers.  
Sometimes A water supplier DOES not provide  
to THE government to provide AN alternative*  
  
And many other grammatical issues.  
  
Good luck!
Hi, here are some of my comments:  
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Some trivial comments:  
+ When population increase(**s**) significantly, ~~then~~  it becomes ... to overcome problems.  
What problems? Consider remove this sentence, because it is basically another, but worse, version of the second sentences.  
+ ... discuss why urban areas has led to overpopulation: This is not what you are asked to do, ACCORDING TO THE TOPIC  
+ First and ~~far~~ foremost  
+ Put simply, ... population, to overcome ...  
After the comma, I expected a linking device but found none. Bad C&C  
.....  
There are so many more problems. In general, your essay is butchered, and I suggest you read tons of model answers. It's best to copy them by hand and understand why the authors write that way. Or simply read more and more model answers.  
  
This sounds harsh, but your essay is hopeless. I highly recommend you take a class if you seriously want to learn IELTS writing task 2.
Shazia, please review the rules on writing using the subject - verb agreement as this seems to be an ongoing problem within your essay sentence presentations. You also show several situations where you created a disagreement within a noun phrase such as using the term "times" when the more appropriate reference is "time". You should also review the rules as to when to use certain punctuation marks. In this instance, you should have placed a comma after the introductory element "times". Hence the presentation should be "Many times, people..." Also, do not capitalize a word after a comma. Only a proper noun may be capitalized in this instance or when it is the first word after a period. Familiarize yourself with the use of auxiliary verbs (pay rather than paid) because these help keep the clarity of the sentence / paragraph content.  
  
Now, with regards to your approach to this essay, since this is a direct question essay, your opening paraphrase should have at least 2 sentences towards the end that respond to each question as part of the discussion outline. The questions to be answered are:  
  
1. Identify one or two serious overpopulation problems (indicate 2 in the response sentence)  
2. One explanation each as to how the government (1) and the individual (1) can resolve the problem.  
  
Now, this is a 4 paragraph essay at this point covered as follows:  
  
Par. 1: Paraphrase  
Par. 2: 2 reasons discussion that clearly uses a transition phrase to connect reason 1 and reason 2.  
Par. 3. Discussion for the government solution with a transition sentence to connect to the next paragraph  
Par. 4: Discussion for individual solution.  
Par. 5: Concluding summary  
  
Avoid run on sentences that create unclear discussion representations such as the last sentence in paragraph 6. In addition to that, Please remember that the Task 2 essay cannot have more than 5 paragraphs. That is the requirement. Learn how to write coherent and cohesive short sentences and paragraphs instead that utilize transition sentences and phrases to help introduce connected but new discussion topics.
*Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. Others think that they could just make as much noise as they want. Discuss both views and give your opinion.*  
  
## sound influence on human life and health

  
  
It is widely known that sounds have a strong correlation to the quality of human life and health, both physically and mentally. While some people argue that a man should be free to make noise as he pleases, I agree with those who advocate a rigid policy of sound control, as will now be discussed.  
  
On one hand, I can see why some people are against noise controls. For example, for big entertainment events such as live music concerts and festivals, cacophony is clearly unavoidable. The participants see the noise as an integral part of the recreational aspect of such events. Looking at the argument in this side, many people feel that man-made noise should not be restrained.  
  
On the other hand, I side with people who support a noise control system, because it is undeniable that there are also people who are unwillingly affected by loudness in bad ways. I was once failed my test because a public nearby speaker, which was unceasingly producing unbearable loud music, made me unable to fully pay attention to questions in the test. Not only students, but patients in hospitals also suffer from noise. It prevents them from sleeping and thus, halt the recovering process, and this takes a heavy toll on their health. Any threats to the functionality of critical organizations like hospitals and schools must be banned or controlled, and noise is no exception.  
  
In conclusion, while loud sounds are, under certain circumstances, a means of entertainment, I hold the view that regulations on noise issues are necessary to maintain a functional society. If not properly restricted, songs can also become security threats, as explained in this essay.
Hi, Tunanut. It is a well-written essay.  
  
To improve your correlation and cohesion, attempt to revise your thesis statement by putting your main ideas. Write in brief the reason for your position.  
  
*..., I agree with those who advocate a rigid policy of sound control as it may irritate others.*  
  
Besides, I think you need to clarify the topic sentence of your body paragraph 1. Instead of directly giving an example, you may put how people generally like to make noise as their freedom. For instance,  
  
*On the one hand, some people may against noise controls because they believe that they should not be restricted for activities that support their passion and enhance their happiness.*  
  
Moreover, to make your writing more academic, I suggest you avoid personal styles, such as using "I, we, you" in your essay.
Hi @Tunanut, you did a great essay.  
I kind of have something that it can improve your essay:  
While some argue that people could be free to make noise as they please. When you have a strongly statement afterwards, it would be better to give a general statement.  
  
to make your writing more formal and academic, you should avoid using the speaking phrase : I can see ( it's seem that) , Looking at the argument in this side, I side with  
  
Try to give a balance answer, and develop your first body paragraph 1 deeper to convince the opinion.
## to improve work enthusiasm

  
  
Motivation is the demand for taking action. It can be purely interesting or purposeful. As Cherry (2018) defines, extrinsic motivation is to gain more benefits for people themselves, but voluntary action is the opposite. Intrinsic motivation is only to satisfy one's preferences, which has been unconcerned to external interests, additional emotions and relationships. For instance, when the traffic police judge the division of responsibilities between the perpetrators and the victims in a traffic accident, for the police, the intrinsic motivation is to solve these disputes, and the extrinsic motivation is to obtain honors, bonuses and promotion opportunities. That is not to say intrinsically motivated behaviors do not come with their own rewards, so Cherry (2018) shows that these rewards involve creating positive emotions within the individual. Intrinsic motivation in education is also an area of focus. Tutors endeavor to stimulate students' curiosity in designing courses from the perspective of students' active learning, or from the competition among teams, to promote the progress of multiple teams. Intrinsic motivation can be increased in situations where people gain satisfaction from helping others, and both in the fierce competition, students ought to keep in cooperation so as to improve their own intrinsic motivation. In additional, Cherry (2018) claims that offering rewards improves one's motivation, interest and performance, which is not totally true. For example, critics gave a high rating of the musician's new album, but the singer himself may have been less satisfied with the new song. On the whole, intrinsic motivation and extrinsic motivation are both indispensable in people's daily life, and how to stimulate people's intrinsic motivation and balance the influence of extrinsic motivation is the key to improve their work enthusiasm.  
  
Reference  
Cherry, K. (2018) Intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.