dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**IELTS PART 1- CEMENT PROCESS**  
  
The diagram illustrates how to produce cement with combining all of the materials and how this cement needed in for the building purposes. Overall, it is important to bear in mind that the process to product cement needs some complex processes and the concentrate production combines four different materials.  
  
To begin with, the first diagram reveals that, the clay and limestone are rushed before the powder, the result of first step, passed through a mixer. Next, the produced power passed through rotating heater. Before producing a raw cement materials, the powder has already heated passed on a grinder machine to become raw cement. Ultimately, the cement is packed and ready to be delivered.  
  
The second diagram shows how much the materials needed for producing a concentrate. First of all, it is needed a cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), and plenty of small stones (50%). Next, all of the materials are mixed in a concentrate mixer machine. By the time, the machine rotates to overwhelmingly combine all of the materials to create a concentrate for building construction.  
  
*
Nina, you need to make sure that you note the correct terms to use in the summaries. When you use the wrong term, your whole essay becomes wrong. The biggest mistake that I can see in your essay is that you keep referring to concrete as concentrate. Those are two different things. Cement is a binder substance used in construction. While concrete is a heavy and rough building material made from materials taken from cement. A concentrate on the other hand, is a substance made by removing water. I am fairly certain that you are not referring to a concentrate in this essay as the diagram doesn't indicate that. Now, you were able to somewhat properly summarize the procedure indicated in the diagram. The reason I say somewhat is because you failed to use the proper terms to describe the materials used or produced in the essay. As such, your task accuracy is greatly affected and could result in some severely low scores had you done this in an actual test.
Hi Nina, below are my thoughts for your analysis.  
  
- ~~with~~by combining all  
- ~~of~~ the materials and how this  
- cement is needed in for ~~the~~ building purposes. - to ~~product~~produce cement needs  
- some complex process~~es~~ and the  
- ~~concentrate~~concrete production combines four different materials.  
  
- are c rushed before the powder,  
- the ~~result of first step~~product is then , passed through a mixer.  
- Next, the produced powd er passed through a rotating heater.  
- Before producing a raw cement ~~materials~~ ,  
- the powder has already been heated passed  
- on a grinder machine to ~~become~~produce raw cement.  
  
There you have it Nina, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and I left the last paragraph for you to be able to practice your editing skills and keep writing.
**Some believe that the development of technology and improved software allow us to translate between languages automatically. Therefore, it is not necessary to learn foreign languages any more. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Nowadays, advanced technology has been invented to assist human in solving problems such as language barriers. Software, such as Google translator, is introduced to translate any language to other languages. However, in my opinion, I believe that it is important to master foreign languages although we have lots of machinery which can support us with the language difficulty. We can't rely on the existing technology because of its limitation and language could reflect our culture and creativity.  
  
First at all, the translation software has only basic function with limited features. Most of the commercial software provides the conversion function between words, but they cannot translate a full sentences without any error. The conversion of a sentence is difficult for robot as languages have their unique structure and grammar. Besides that, the software hardly interprets synonym, which is a similar meaning with different words. Many synonyms have similar meaning or definition, but they are only applied in certain situation.  
  
In addition, a language should not been stored or programmed in a software as it cannot reflect the culture which is hidden in the language. It is important to learn a language because the learning process allows us to explore the development of the languages. During the learning process, we could understand the culture of a race which has been using the language for thousands of years. Besides that, the machinery is unable to present the language creatively as human, or precisely poet or comedy. Language is not only used for communication purpose, but also for entertainment.  
  
In conclusion, we should learn the basic of the language before we could rely on the technology. It is true that translation software has provided many conveniences, but they are not perfect tool which could totally replace a human being to use a languages. Certainly, it is important to learn a language to reflect the culture of a race, and also the creatively of using the language.
Hi Kieth, I think you will be quite happy to know that you did very well in this practice test. So well in fact that this is the first time that I will find myself giving an overall band score of 7 to a student at this forum. Let me break the scoring down for you over the 4 required elements.  
  
Task accuracy - 7 - You have clearly presented a clear overview of the topic. There is an enhanced feel to your summary statement because you broke down the discussion that you would be presenting in the body of the essay into short, summarized presentations in your overview statement.  
  
Coherence and Cohesion - 7 - There is a clear progression in your essay. You did not deviate from the prompt in your discussion per paragraph and you showed that you have the ability to discuss your ideas in a logical manner. There was a clear use of cohesive devices which were used in an acceptable manner.  
  
Lexical Resource - 7 - The use of some advanced words in relation to technology and language learning earned you some pretty high marks. There was a flexibility in the way that you portrayed your discussion and you used some less common lexical terms like synonym and phrases like "programmed in a software" along with "translation software" and "precisely" to name just a few.  
  
Grammar Range and Accuracy - 6 - You have a pretty good mix of sentences in the essay. The sentence structure problems relate to certain mistakes in the use of certain words. However, these mistakes did not affect the overall meaning and presentation of your work. So this is the only portion where I would score you less. However, your work was pretty consistent in this essay.
Hi Keith, I believe this is the first time I'm providing my review to your essay and I hope it will be valuable to your revision.  
  
- been ~~invented to~~ assisting human in  
- any language ~~to other languages~~(-this is not necessary as you have established your idea ) .  
- However, in my opinion, I believe ~~that~~ it is important to  
- ~~which~~that can support us with ~~the~~  
  
- has ~~only~~one basic function with l  
- ~~the~~ conversion function between words,  
-but they cannot translate a full sentence~~s~~ without any error.  
- The conversion of a sentence is difficult for a robot  
- but they are only applied in a certain situation.  
  
There you have it Keith, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and upon completion of the review, I must say, you missed a few linking verbs here and there and though they are minor, it would be good to keep them included in the sentence in order to make sure that the sentence is complete.
Topic: **Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and that money could be better spent in elsewhere. To what extent do you agree with this view?**  
  
These days, the government has allocated funds on public facilities as well as the arts. It is often supposed that spending on the arts is waste of money. Although some people consider that it is significant to spend money on public services, I prefer spending on the arts and I feel that it bring enormous benefits toward society giving a new horizon of life.  
  
There are numerous motivations for spending an imperative amount of the government budget on public services. First and foremost, these services are the things such as infrastructures improvement and transportation system, and these things determine the quality of life which most of people will want to have. In addition to this, more spending money on hospitals means the improvement of health of our society. Another reason is that sufficient fund for education indicates that the nation will be well- educated in future. As a consequence, the educated nation will be able to attain more opportunity for its prosperity.  
  
However, arts are a way of expressing thoughts and feelings that cannot be convey in term of word. The arts, such as painting, literature and sculptures impart own culture, values, believes and tradition towards new generation. For instant, young people not only come to know about their own cultural history which is presented by artist in so many ways like theater performances, but also earn immense pleasure. Thus, it helps us to release some stress in life, so it should not be negated. The government should allocate funds for the arts so that it can be developed.  
  
To conclude, a major part of government budgets usually goes to provide public facilities which is highly demanded by all, but the arts are also required to express our thoughts and feeling to all. Despite of having positive impact of public-service sectors, I prefer more investing on highly demanding arts sectors.
Hi Syeda, I have to say, you did really well in the task accuracy department of your essay presentation. You showed a clear understanding of the prompt and you were able to properly paraphrase the original prompt. You showed an ability to use your English language skills, which are moderate at the moment, to properly develop, present, and discuss the key topics for discussion within the prompt requirements. You should be proud of the work that you did on this essay.  
  
I would like to see you further improve in terms of your coherence, cohesiveness, lexical skills, and grammar accuracy. These are the aspects of your essay writing that require more practice and focus on your part. Although we can still understand what it is that you are trying to convey in every paragraph, there were slight instances when you seem to have gotten lost in translation so your essay work had a tendency to lose its focus in terms of discussion. Take for example, when you say "own culture", the arts is used to convey the "culture of a people" and not just a single person. So your grammar accuracy is affected by your wrong choice of words.  
  
This is a problem that comes up when you try to use complex sentences without really knowing how to form it. You should try to read other English writers, like newspaper columnists and the like, in order to get a better example of how to write effective complex sentences. On our own, keep it light to moderate. That way you won't be docked for points in an actual test.
Hi Syeda, I'm not sure but I believe this is the first time I'm sharing my thoughts and review of your essay, well, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website to be very helpful and even more so valuable to your writing projects. Here at EF, we aim to provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback that will be useful to your revision.  
  
Having said that, as I go through your essay, I believe you managed to answer the prompt. One thing that I like about you argument is the fact that the sentences are kept simple, the ideas are very straight forward, also, you made sure that words you use are not so technical, as it's not called for in this particular essay, you made sure that it is very conversational.  
  
Furthermore, the way the ideas flowed in the essay is very logical, you observed a certain flow that allows your readers to understand or rather easily understand what your point is in the given task. However, for future writing reference, I would like to se an improvement in your sentence construction, though your sentences are easy to comprehend, you tend to add too many words in one sentence and somehow, this affects the overall aspect of the essay. Nevertheless, it's a well managed article and keep writing.
Hi Syeda, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, we do strive to provide you with the most accurate and comprehensive feedback that will hopefully increase you chances of writing a well managed and well written essay.  
  
The aim is also to engage you into writing, discovering new techniques, new strokes, learning new approach to different forms of writing and eventually getting used to writing your own form of approach to different writing projects.  
  
I would also recommend that you read a lot more often, reading is the only way you can be able to learn new words, see them and know how they are use in the sentences,this will be very beneficial in your essay writing and in general writing as you will get to see this lined up in a sentence. I do hope to review more of your essays soon and keep writing.
**When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job. To a certain extent I agree that money is important; however, I also think that there are many other factors could be more important.  
  
On the one hand, It is true that work is perhaps our sole source of livelihood. Thus, getting enough wages to secure our family's needs is of crucial importance. If the money that we get paid is more than what we need, there would be a chance to save more money then, work a smaller number of hours and have more free time to enjoy. Therefore, the higher the salary we earn the better and the happier our lives will be. As a result, in a competitive business world with a vast number of job opportunities, I see it is logical that people should look for jobs with a higher salary.  
  
In spite of the above argument, there are several other factors which are essential and need to be considered before thinking about money. Firstly, the nature of the work; is it safe and not harmful to the employee's health? Because it is pointless to destroy one's health in order to collect money, and there is no amount of money that can replace wellbeing. Another factor to consider is how will the employee be satisfied with this particular job. In other words, to what extent does employee like the job and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life, because it is not easy to keep doing a thing that we can't stand even if we earn a lot from it.  
  
In conclusion, it is important to have a job with a high salary, but there are some other factors that must be considered firstly.
**Hi Mohammed..  
These are my thoughts toward your essay. Please, you review my notes**  
  
Many people argue that salary is the deciding factor when choosing a job  
*You did not paraphrase the statement well. There was the statement "the salary is the most important" . It had the different meaning with the statement. One of your job in the introduction paragraph is paraphrasing.*  
  
I also think that there are many other factors could be more important.  
*To strengthen your thesis statement, you should mention factors what you meant. It will describe generally what you will explain in the body paragraph.*  
  
secure our family's needs is ~~of crucial importance~~ THE MOST CRUCIAL ELEMENT.  
... chance to save more money ~~then, work a smaller number of hours and ...~~ (I think this was not needed because you explained effects of having more salary. Therefore, the higher ~~the~~ salary we earn ...  
  
As a result, in a competitive business IN THE WHOLE world ~~with~~ AND a vast number (...) it is logical ~~that~~ WHY people should look for ...  
  
..., there are several other factors ~~which are~~ MORE essential and needED to be considered before ...  
ITS REASON IS Because it is pointless to destroy one's health ...  
Another factor to BE considerED is how ~~will~~ the employee WILL be satisfied with ...  
In other words, to ~~what~~ extent ~~does~~ WHETHER employee like the job OR NOT and is willing to do it for the rest of his or her life~~,~~ because it is not easy (...) that we ~~can't~~ CANNOT *(Do not use contraction in the formal writing)* stand even if we earn a lot from it.  
  
In conclusion, it is important (...) that must be considered firstly.  
st  
I only remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. You are able to include suggestions to complete your introduction paragraph.  
  
Note: Make sure what you write is what you mind. Sometimes you needed the passive sentence, you made the active. Hopefully, above can help you to improve your written skill.
The diagram shows the process of how to make chocolate. Overall, it is important to bear in mind that the total of stages is ten steps included the pods which are taken for raw-chocolate production and the factory which creates for final-chocolate production.  
  
To begin, the cocoa is taken from the cacao tree with choosing the cocoa ripe and pods which is grown in South America, Africa, and also Indonesia. Before the beans is fermented, the pods are harvested and the white cocoa beans are grabbed from its place. Afterwards, the fermented beans is laid in the huge tray under the sunshine. Following several times, the cocoa are placed in the sack and ready to be delivered to several factories with a lorry.  
  
After in the second-hand production, the beans are roasted at a temperature of 350 degrees. Subsequently, the beans are crushed and separated from the outer shell. In the end of this stage, the final process is seen to produce chocolate from the inner part pressed.
Hi Nina, as I go through the essay, the first thing I noticed is the fact that you were not able to include the diagram or at least the link to it.  
  
This is very important as it will be the basis of the feedback, you know that we do try our very best to provide you with the most accurate remarks and insights you can get, in order for you to revise your analysis essay accordingly.  
  
Having said that, I would like to let you know that the number of paragraphs is just right for what is asked for your analysis, however, again this is just my notes on the physical attributes of the analysis and I have a few additional suggestions for the last paragraph of the essay.  
  
- After ~~in the second-hand~~the second part of the production,  
- ~~In the end of this stage, the~~The final  
- stage of the process is seen to produce  
-fine grade chocolate ~~from the inner part pressed~~ .  
  
There you have it Nina, as mentioned, this is just a very rough and initial observation, I would ask for you to reply to this post with the diagram or the link to it.
Hi Nina, yes indeed, it is the diagram that needs to be attached to this particular analysis essay. As mentioned, it is definitely advised for you to include this in the analysis as this will be the basis of your analysis and not only that, it will also be beneficial for you when you do the comparison of the insights and the remarks provided by the contributors.  
  
One thing that is also beneficial when you add the provided graph, it will boost the comprehension of the contributor who's editing and trying to help you out in enhancing your analysis.  
  
Moving forward, I hope you keep writing, try to learn new writing strokes, there's always a lot to learn and a new skill to develop. I would also like you to engage you into habitual reading, this will absolutely help you increase your vocabulary and will eventually be very useful when you write yet another article.
**Global trade of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009**  
  
The information about global trade of hybrid vehicles between 2006 and 2009 is presented by bar chart. Overall it can be seen that the US always be the biggest trade during the periode except in the last period.  
  
In 2007, rate of trade in the US was the biggest point at 350,000 ;however in the next year it was slight increase by 30,000 in 2008 from 350,000. Interestingly, in the last period vehicles sell in the Us was quite similar as rate in the first period, those were 250,000 in 2006 and 280,000 in 2009.  
  
On the other word, both of japan and other had similar rate in the first year at 50,000 in 2006. In the next 2 years, they had similar pattern that was increase slightly. Strikingly, in the last period japan extremely increase and it reach bigger than the US at 340,000 in the same peiode in 2009. This was the best achievement in japan, while the other still stable between 2008 and 2009.  
  
167 word
Hello, let me give my correction for you  
  
The information about the global trade of hybrid vehicles  
  
is presented by the bar chart  
  
during the ~~periode~~period except in the last period  
  
quite similar ~~as~~to the rate in the first period(the correct preposition is to after the word "similar")  
  
they had the similar pattern that ~~was increase~~increased slightly  
  
it ~~reach~~reachs bigger  
  
thank you
Hi Bams, below are my thoughts for this analysis.  
  
- ~~by~~in the bar chart.  
- Overall it can be seen that the US has always  
- been the biggest trader  
- during the period~~e~~ except ~~in~~for the last period.  
  
- In 2007,the rate of trade in the US  
- ~~was~~has the biggest point at 350,000  
- it ~~was~~has a slight increase by 30,000  
- in the last period, vehicle~~s sell~~sales in the  
- ~~Us~~US was quite similar as the rate in the first period,  
  
- ~~On the other word, both of~~For japan and  
- other countries had similar rate in the first year  
- that ~~was~~ increased slightly.  
- peiod~~e in~~of 2009.  
  
There you have it Bams, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.
**Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
In our modern society, the question whether children should start learning a foreign language at primary school has been widely debated.Many consider studying a foreign language at primary school better than at high school , while others hold the opposite point of view.I honestly believe there are more benefits rather than drawbacks for a pupil to start learning his first foreign language at primary school.  
  
On one hand, studies concluded that young children pick up languages more easily than teenagers,therefore resulting in a faster and more efficient learning. This is primarily due their enhanced cognitive abilities, memorizing skill and also their curious behaviour regarding every little detail.Moreover , the increasing demand upon knowing not only one international-use foreign language, justifies the purpose of learning it earlier because the sooner the better.In addition , at early ages , the timetables aren't embroidered and therefore teachers can come with innovative and interactive methods of teaching , making the lessons more pleasant and fruitful.  
  
However, there is another side of a coin as always.To begin with,it is widely known kids tend to set their minds only to video games , electronic gadgets, while they are still at primary school. The attempt of teaching a foreign language may fail because they would most likely be confused and not bothered to compel it. In addition , it could be a less efficiently directive since children need to focus on other subjects such as math, natural science, and their own mother tongue language, which they might need it more than the foreign one.  
  
Looking at the points discussed above, we can come to a conclusion that advantages of learning a foreign language at an early age outweigh the disadvantages. I believe a person equipped with more languages is definitely needed in our society to make our world more prosperous and flourished in the decades to come.