dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Obese children (IELTS Writing Task II)

  
  
(please help me with grammar mistakes, word choices and how many bands I get. Thanks.)  
  
It is argued that there should have punishments issued for parents who let their kids gain too many weighs. This essay disagrees with this statement because children may inherit gene from their parents and parents have wrong belief that fat kids are stronger and healthier.  
  
Children's body weigh are affected by their parents' old-fashioned concept. Weigh is a measurement to determine physical health; so if any children appear to be chubby, other adults will consider them to be healthier than thin ones. These kids are forced to eat more than necessary or fed too much high-fat food as a result. Most of these moms and dads think that normal-weight child is a consequence of lacking cares. A recent study found that 70% of parents who have obese children admitted that they have fattened their kids for having good health.  
  
Genetic conditions are one of the most common causes of making the young generations supersized. When family members cannot escape from them, it is obvious and understandable that no matter how hard moms and dads are attempting to adjust their kids' daily intake, even to reduce a large amount of food consumption; their disappointing weight still remains unchanged. Exercising serves as an effective way to get rid of those excessive calories which makes no difference in this special family-gene circumstance. A recent research concluded that certain genetic traits run in family explaining why it takes longer to burn up calories.  
  
In conclusion, parents should not take any sanctions as their children get obese. The reasons are that they possess genes which involve in body weighs and parent's misunderstanding of being weighty is healthier.
there should be  
  
much weight  
weigh (v)  
weight (n)  
IIRC 'weight' in describing the state of being heavy is usually uncountable  
  
any child  
any + singular  
  
~~eat more than necessary~~ overeat  
  
~~for having good health~~ so that their children could be healthy/for fear that their children aren't healthy  
  
**calories** which/that **make** no difference /can do nothing to change  
  
There are just some few obvious grammar mistakes here. I'm sorry I can't do anything further :(  
Plus, it'd be better to get some more idea than just to blame the genes only I suppose.
Hello,  
  
So some grammatical mistakes have been shown above so I won't repeat them again.  
  
Ur way of developing ideas still causes some confuse to me. Maybe it is the lack of linking words and unsuitable words in some cases. Namely, it should be avoid them not ~~cannot escape~~ , Exercising which serves as an effective way to get rid of those excessive calories ~~which~~ makes no difference in this special family-gene circumstance,....  
  
Also, genetics is not the main cause of obesity in young generation. There are other factors such as diets, exercise regime, food, pampering children,..  
In this essay, if you oppose the given statement, I recommend you should prove why parents who pamper their off-springs, which leads to their overweight should not be put in jail. You should prove that this action of parents is not deserved to be punished so severely. Instead, they should be given advice and re- educated about how to raise their kids in a proper way
@xuanlengoc  
  
hello,  
  
I think the below is better:  
  
It has been argued that  
This essay disagrees -----I disagree  
~~may~~ inherit  
  
children's weight  
moms and dads ----parents  
  
Also, you should be aware of this one grammar rule when you write an essay; subject and verb agreement.  
Many international students, including me make mistakes to keep this rule when they do writing.  
Keep up your good work!
Hi, please help me improve my writing for IELTS. Thanks!  
  
Topic:*For centuries, important parts of education have remained such as reading, writing and maths. With the advent of computers, some  
people think that computer skill be made as a fourth skill to be added to the list. To what extent do you agree?*  
  
## fourth principal subject is not necessary at the moment

  
  
The three integral subjects which have always been taught in education are reading, writing and maths as they build fundamental knowledge. Nowadays, there is a viewpoint that computer skill should be included in the list. I partially agree with the idea. This essay will explain why I support the point of view yet have different opinion on some points.  
  
First and foremost, computer skill is one of the most powerful tools people can take advantage of in order to be effective and productive at work. Since a tremendous amount of information have been stored in computers and internet instead of heavy book, mastering how to properly use computer to exploit those useful sources of data would lessen workload and effort as well as improve work efficiency. A brilliant example for that is numerous companies are asking their candidates to have solid computer skill to be hired. Thus, the weight of training pupils as approved computer users should indeed be reconsidered.  
  
However, computer skill has yet made it to the top important subject next to reading, writing and maths. The central reason is that the majority of professions, except certain jobs such as information technology and software engineer, only require basic knowledge of computer which can achieved in months of practice. Moreover, the skill could be self-taught easily. It makes no sense to impose hours of study computer skill on students while they are able to learn it from scratch at home with or without the help of their parents, siblings and friends. Therefore, computer skill needs more attention but should not be exaggerated as a core subject in school.  
  
Due to the fact that computers have undeniably tremendous impact in life, it is understandable that some people want computer skill to become essential in curriculum alongside the three core subjects. Although the importance of the skill truly demand emphasis, making it the fourth principal subject is not necessary at the moment.
Yuka, this is a pretty good presentation that fails in only one aspect. As this is an "extent" essay, there are 3 points of view that must be represented in the body of paragraphs namely:  
  
1. Public opinion on the negative side  
2. Public opinion on the positive side  
3. Your personal opinion.  
  
The structure of this essay is 5 paragraphs based upon the indicated discussion points in the prompt. The prompt indicates 2 points of view and then your "extent" explanation based upon the side of the public discussion that you support.Your concluding paragraph is lacking the representation of the summarized discussion of the reason why the computer subject should not be a 4th core subject. Regardless, I don't see this essay scoring less than a 6 in an actual setting. Just remember that you need to create certain paragraphs and presentations based upon the expected elements of the original prompt. You don't have to worry about taking the test as you show a high potential to pass it with a higher than average score. Just a few more practice runs and you should perform well on exam day.
## ambition - an essential element to achieve success

  
  
Nowadays, the term "ambition" is getting increasingly popular with its importance. It is said that ambition is a powerful tool to achieve success, overriding both talent and resources so far. However, it cannot be denied that being ambitious is both advantageous and disadvantageous at the same time.  
  
It is widely known that ambition is an indispensible factor for individuals who want to be successful in life. First, ambition plays an important role in helping people overcome the difficulties. Ambition may motivate them to work hard and even sacrifice what is necessary in order to reach their goals regardless of what is put in front of them. Moreover, ambition also makes it easier for job seekers to have an ideal job even though the unemployment rate is getting increasingly higher. It is a fact that employers, especially those in large companies, prefer to choose people who are able to show their desire to be successful which allows them to devote themselves entirely to the job.  
  
From my perspective, this characteristic has both positive and negative influences on people's way to succeed. On the one hand, ambition is considered as a catalyst that pushes people over their limit, thus, fulfill their dreams. It is the fact that a great of number of success achievers are likely to be really ambitious; for example, Jim Carrey, who used to be homeless and unemployed, prevailed over huge obstacles to become one of the best comedians of an era. In contrast, some people who are too ambitious often perceive the world as a battle where they need to surpass anyone to accomplish what they have set their mind on, which sometimes lead to devastating consequences. Let take the famous Hitler as an example, his addiction to power as well as his dream to conquer the world were main causes for the death of thousands of people.  
  
In conclusion, it is undeniable that ambition is an essential element for people to achieve success; nevertheless, from my point of view, this trait brings both benefits and drawbacks to people's life.
Hoang, is this essay for an IELTS or TOEFL test? Please tell me what test this essay is meant for so that I can assess it based upon the relevant scoring criteria. I cannot judge the appropriateness of your essay writing without knowing what the target audience is. By the way the prompt you provided does not include the discussion instruction. So this is an incomplete prompt. I need the full prompt posting in order to get an idea of what the basis for scoring and content relevance is in your work. While I will say that the essay is informative. It doesn't really develop full discussions per paragraph. Unless I know what the actual prompt is, I won't be able to help you address the problems of this essay. Unfortunately, I cannot give you more than one free advice so you just wasted one advice on this improperly posted essay. Please post another essay with the name of the test you are taking and the full, actual, original prompt you are responding to. That is where I will be able to accurately assess your written work.
Hi there! Help me please to check out my essay. You are free to chage any sentence you dont like and it would be really nice if you'll do it.  
  
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## surrounded by english language

  
  
In our modern multicultural world it's necessary to learn English. English is one of the most popular languages in the world and millions of people learn English as a second language. There are plenty of ways to learn English like watching films, listening music, attending language school and even moving to another country. But for me, the best way to learn language is surrounding yourself with English.  
  
Firstly, you can listen to music, radio and podcasts. Listening music helps you to improve your pronunciation, listening skills and vocabulary. You can listen to music all day and it's free. To improve your vocabulary, you should always find the lyrics or script online and learn the definition of all words you don't know. Singing along with your favorite English songs will help you to learn how to pronounce English words correctly and improve your listening skills.  
  
Secondly, you can read books. Reading books helps you to understand English grammar better and see it in action, develop your understanding of the language. The key to success is choosing the right book for you. In the very beginning you should choose books for children or simplified literature. After reading quite a few simple books, you can start trying to read original books.  
  
Finally, just practice! Try to use new words and phrases in your speech or write a little composition. Nowadays Internet is blurring the boundaries between countries and you can easily find native English speaker for language exchange or just talk about anything.  
  
In conclusion, I want to say that when you surround yourself with English in your everyday life, you will make it appear to your brain that the English language is something real in your life and that it is vitally important to learn this language. Many people have the idea that learning English is a difficult process. In fact, the language is really easy to learn if you spend time on practicing it every day with above method.
Elena, this is a pretty good presentation. You have a clear flow of thought coming out of every paragraph. Your explanations are clear and precise. It is informative and does a pretty good job of presenting logical, common sense advice about how you learn to speak in English. However, you have a problem with the use of connecting words. In one of your sentences, you used the word "but" to start it off. This is a connecting word that is commonly used in the middle of a sentence presentation in order to connect two related trains of thought. Since there is no previous thought to be connected in a new sentence, the word "but" should not be used. You can just use the actual information to start the sentence instead as in "For me, the best way..." . You also have a problem with the use of the word "the" which is a signal word. You have to use the word in order to connect the words in your sentence in a meaningful way. The job of the word "the" is to signal the noun or subject of the sentence. It helps to create the target meaning or subject of the sentence. That is why it is a very important and frequently used part of English sentence development. You cannot have a meaningful sentence without this signal word.
**THE THREAT OF NUCLEAR WEAPONS MAINTAINS THE WORLD PEACE. NUCLEAR POWER PROVIDES CHEAP AND CLEAN ENERGY. THE BENEFITS OF NUCLEAR TECHNOLOGY FAR OUT-WEIGHT THE DISADVANTAGES. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?**  
  
## beware of unimaginable negative effects

  
  
Many people said that the benefits of nuclear technology are more valuable than its disadvantages. The dangers of nuclear weapons keep the world peace and nuclear power is an alternative resource which is bet than other power sources that we are using. Personally, I strongly disagree with this statement due to the harm it causes.  
  
First of all, we cannot deny that nuclear technology plays an important role in our lives. If we compare it to fossil fuel, we can see that nuclear power is cheaper, quicker, cleaner and one prominent thing that it is unlimited. It can solve the problem that we are running out of non-renewable natural resources. Furthermore, if nuclear weapons did not exist, world war 3 could happen anytime. Without the threat of them, many aggressive nations would not be scared of anything.  
  
However, the positive benefits are not worth the risks to the earth. Besides the potential benefits of nuclear technology, we can see that if it was not handled carefully, an explosion could happen. As a result, not only a large of area would be destroyed but also none of living creatures could survive in the radius of that destructive explosion. Moreover, humanity could have incurable diseases because of the effects from that. The governments would have to spend a huge amount of money to rebuild everything and help the victims settle down.  
  
In conclusion, the benefits of nuclear technology cannot compare to its unimaginable negative effects. If we can reduce the damage of it by decrease the number of nuclear weapons and factories, use other renewable natural resources such as the sun, wind, and water to stop making the environment polluted probably it still can be accepted.
Vu, your opening statement is highly confusing to read. You need to refrain from beginning the discussion in that paragraph as well. Look at this example of how to write this essay opening statement:  
  
*While nuclear power provides the world with an alternative affordable energy resource, once the power is harnessed as a weapon though, it offers a delicately balanced sense of world peace. This is the main reason why there is a belief that the assistance offered by nuclear power carries more disadvantages than advantages.*  
  
Since this is not an "extent" essay, you should not be using emotional descriptions for your agreement or disagreement with the topic. A simple statement would have sufficed.  
  
All of your paragraphs have under developed discussions because you have at least 3 topics ongoing per paragraph when you only need one topic, fully discussed and supported in each of the 3 body paragraphs. Remember that you have to outline your discussion before you draft it. That way you make sure that you thresh out the supporting details of each topic you have chosen to discuss instead of offering up mere talking points without the benefit of an informed discussion. That is what you accidentally did in this essay. BTW, 5 paragraphs increases your chances to get a higher score in the TA section. So always do your best to present the full number of paragraphs (as required) instead of limiting yourself to only 4 paragraphs. You suffer downgraded points in the 4 scoring considerations when you do that.  
  
Your conclusion should also only wrap up the discussion by summarizing the important facts for the reader to note. You cannot continue to present new information and advice in that paragraph because you end up with an open ended instead of a concluded essay.
Truc, you are trying to take on too much in this essay without a proper outline to guide you in the development of your paragraphs. Your sentences are stressful to read because the sense of what you have written is unclear. I believe that this is because you are simply trying to write using as many English words as possible instead of focusing on using less English words, but making sure that your simple sentence will be clearly understood. There lies the difference between a person who is simply writing, and a person with good writing skills. It is all about connecting with the reader and getting your message across. Something that is sorely lacking in this presentation. You also need to practice the one topic per paragraph rule so that your paragraphs become shorter but more informative. Separating the topics also allows the reader to better focus on the content of each paragraph in order to understand the overall message of your essay.
***In Britain, when someone gets old they often go to live in a home with other old people where there are nurses to look after them. Sometimes the government has to pay for this care. Who do you think should pay for this care, the government or the family? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience*.**  
  
## special care for elderly people

  
  
In the UK, elderly usually go to nursery houses in order to take care of them, and it is sometimes the responsibility of the government to provide such care. This essay agrees that government should pay for this service when people get old not their families. This essay will give the reasons that justify such opinion as people spend most of their lives pay taxes when they have the ability to work so it is time to be paid off. Also, elderly need special care that sometimes family cannot provide.  
  
Young people have to give sometimes half of their salaries to the authorities under the title of "taxes" which must go to fund the service provided to people. When people get older they will not be able to work so they deserve to be helped and to have the ultimate care that they need. For instance, Denmark provide a professional house nurse for people when they turn 65 and a weekly doctor visit if they have chronic diseases.  
  
Also, most of elderly people suffer from chronic and mental diseases that require a medical intervention that most of the times cannot be afforded by their families due to their high costs. These illnesses cannot be treated by their families as they need special team and medications ,which are expensive, to deal with their conditions . For example, according to Princeton hospital study, 80% of old people have diseases that could cost their families higher than they earn to only control their situation.  
  
In conclusion, Government in the UK take the responsibility of their own nation to send elderly to special nursery houses. It is agreed that this is a part of the government duty toward their people who spent their lives pay taxes from their own income. Also, this special care cannot be usually provided by their families due to the high cost of it, so government must provide support to this category of people.
mazen, your opening statement is a bit in error when it comes to representing the opinion discussion. The prompt is asking you the question "do you agree?". The prompt itself does not lend an actual opinion for you to agree with based upon the format of the original prompt discussion presentation. Therefore, you have to frame your opinion as the main discussion point. Your opinion cannot be an agreement opinion as no previous opinion exists in the original. You also presented evidence in the opening statement, which is not allowed due to the lack of discussion development. I think you were not properly oriented regarding the proper method of developing the opening paraphrase. Let me show you an example of one way of paraphrasing this prompt in the expected manner:  
  
*Elderly Britons often go to senior homes in order to live with people of similar ages and also have more professional medical care readily available to them. While some private citizens pay for this care, there are times when the British government ends up paying for the senior care bill. Since there are two types of payments available for senior care, those who pay privately believe that the government should pay for senior care, regardless of the senior's ability to pay. In this essay, I will present supporting reasons for my personal opinion based on personal knowledge that supports having the government pay for the senior home fees in this essay.*  
  
Please make sure that you use the correct word to describe what you want to say. A "senior home" is different from a "nursery home" . The first one is a home for old people and the latter, is a home for babies. In addition to that, you need to make sure that you write 5 paragraphs in the essay as per the required format for this test. Try to avoid writing run on sentences like you do here. Instead make sure that your sentences completely discuss one thought each. That would be composed of 1 topic sentence, 2 supporting sentences and one example, per paragraph. This will help your GRA score.  
  
In addition to that. I don't recommend that you write more than 250 words for this type of essay. You need to make sure that you allot at least 10 minutes to review, revise, and edit your essay. Writing more than 250 words will not allow you that liberty and could lower your final score due to lack of technical merit based on the scoring criteria.