dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*"... money to endorse it on Instagram as her account ..."*  
  
Since you are making an example about product endorsement, you should change it into "recommend/suggest its products on Instagram it will be clearer. Another thing is that as you are talking about the reason for overbuying the clause *"which can bring considerable profit for the company"* seems a bit unnecessary.  
  
... of target advertising as they are spending more time online.  
  
Spending time online is a bit unrelated to what you explained later, I suggest that you should rewrite it **as the are revealing their personal information online**."  
  
I hope my comment is useful to you.
## organization's staff hiring

  
  
The flow chart below illustrates a procedure of organization's staff hiring.  
  
Overall, it is crystal clear that this flow chart contains thirteen different stages which beginning with the drawn-up requirements list and ending up with either applicant successfully obtained a job offer nor received a rejected letter.  
  
To begin with, list of requirements have been drawn up, then the advertisement will be placed in the newspaper. Followed this will be the application form selected, after the application have been completed and returned, it will be opened and assessed by the human resource.  
  
Secondly, the applicants will be either invited to the interview nor rejected by letter. Once interview finished, the applicants will be evaluated into two groups. One is an appropriate applicant and runner-up will be selected as a staff and company will offer the job. The other is an inappropriate applicant will be rejected and refusal letter will be sent to them personally.  
  
*
Hi, here are some of my suggestion:  
  
The flow chart ~~below~~  
the organization's staff hiring..... a list of requirement........ => remember the article  
(it is crystal clear) it is obvious/ it can be seen that. => crystal clear is not wrong, but better not use it. And the sentence is too long, you can put a comma to cut down.  
  
(To begin with) First of all/ Firstly, => You have used "beginning with" in the overall sentence, better choose other words than "to begin with"  
... application form ~~selected~~ collected => "Pick up" in this case is "collection". After placing an ad, people will sent their form and the company must collect it. You use the wrong meaning.  
  
(Secondly) The next stage is/ In the next stage/ In the subsequent stage => This is not the second step, so you should not use this word  
  
either....~~nor~~ or.... => It is "either...or..." for affirmative sense, when you're presenting possibilities that are both true or valid and "neither....nor..." used in the negative sense, when you're presenting things that aren't true or valid.  
  
The body paragraph is using too much passive voice. Try to convert some stage to active voice. This is also a way of paraphrasing and better than just change the verb and make a sentence.  
  
Good luck on your IELTS
Hello roswita116,  
  
May I suggest you look at the big picture and divide the process into major tasks. From the chart, I can see three major tasks:  
  
1.Preparing the requirements and accepting applications  
2.Preliminary selection (first round)  
3.Interviewing and selecting the most qualified applicant (second/final round)  
  
You could start with, "The flow chart illustrates a company's recruitment process. The process can be divided into three major tasks, which are preparing the requirements and accepting applications, preliminary selection, and interviewing and selecting the most qualified applicant."  
  
Next, you can expand the sub tasks for each of the three major tasks.  
  
Finally, you can conclude by stating that the company will send the offer letter to the successful candidate.
## proportion of uk students able to speak a foreign language

  
  
**The charts below show the proportions of British students at one university in England who were able to speak other languages in addition to English, in 2000 and 2010.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The two pie charts illustrated the percentage of students who were utilized languages beside English at an university in England in the years of 2000 and 2010,respectively.  
  
Overall, it is crystal clear to see that Spanish accounted for the majority portions of both years while students who are fluent at German stood at the least percentage.  
  
Having an exact figure, it is exceedingly obvious that students who can speak Spanish not only occupied almost half portions of pie charts in both years but also increased 5% from 2000 to 2010.  
  
While the percentage of students who were able to speak Spanish rose, the proportions of students who have no other language abilities decreased slightly from 20% to 10%. Similarly, the percentage of students who were able to speak French shared the same trend which decreased from 15% to 10%.  
  
Furthermore, other languages spoken by students such as German remained steady which was 10% in both pie charts.  
  
*
Hello roswita116. If I may, I would like to provide some comments and an example for your essay.  
  
Your essay is good. However, you are being unfair to other languages by emphasizing non-proportionally on Spanish while cramping the rest in only a couple sentences.  
  
The objective of your writing should be as required: selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. You should take a minute or two to study the charts and pick out the obvious.  
  
To me, I noticed the following:  
1.Number of students who know only English decreases to half (20% to 10%)  
2.Number of students studying another language increases up to 33% (French, Spanish, and any other)  
3.Most students favor Spanish (35%). French stands second (20%) but rises faster  
4.Number of students who learn a third language increases 50% (10% to 15%)  
  
You can start your essay by rephrasing the topic, such as:  
  
*"Both charts show the percentage of British students who were able to speak other languages in addition to English in 2000 and 2010."*  
  
Hope this helps.
@Bear Lac Loi  
Thank you for your detail suggestion. I really appreciated. 😁😁  
As I read through your feedback. Some of advice is really helpful;however, some of them expecially the writing structure I would like to remain the same. Here I would like to indicate again that for the IELTS writing task 1, we must write down the "overall " part without any number or percentage in the 2nd paragraph instead of conclusion which is adverse from your writing suggestion. 😁  
  
And for the first paragraph, you should paraphrase the topic instead of using the same vocabulary and same grammar structure.  
Furthermore, I am kind of confused about that the last part of your feedback."the number of students who can speak two other languages increased dramatically at 50%" ?!?!?! Referring from the pie chart, I cannot see any 50% growth from what you mentioned about.  
  
All in all, thank you for your kind help.😁😁
*Some people believe that governments should pay for health care and education, but there is no agreement about whether it is the government's responsibility. What is your opinion?*  
  
## healthcare and education accountability

  
  
Education and health care are two essential aspects of human life. Without proper education and health care system, no nation can develop. It is the government's responsibility to ensure the quality of education and healthcare service to its citizens and I strongly agree with this view.  
  
On the one hand, I believe that education and healthcare service should be funded by the government. To begin with, most of the people fulfil their tax obligation, therefore, they should definitely get some benefits from the government in the form of free medication and education for their children. Moreover, from my perspective, education is an essential factor for the development of a country. By providing free education to the residents, it is hoped that more skilled and educated workers would be created. As a result, these potential workers could boost the country's economic sectors.  
  
On the other hand, I also think that people should also be responsible for their own life. One of the reasons is that free medical service makes some people irresponsible of their health condition. It is believed that expensive health care would force people to follow a strict lifestyle and quit smoking and drinking. Additionally, in my view, private fund for education makes the schooling system more effective as guardians are more conscious of taking care of their children's learning. For instance, many private schools are doing better in developing countries than the state funded schools and parental involvement made the difference.  
  
In conclusion, I support that the government has the responsibility to ensure that those services are available and affordable. However, it is not to say that the government should bear the costs of all health care treatments and educational services that the citizens currently enjoy.
Here are some grammar mistakes:  
  
most ~~of the~~ people fulfill  
they should ~~definitely~~...  
irresponsible ~~of~~ about their health  
in my view, the private fund  
~~the state funded~~  state-funded schools  
  
You essay have a clear view and good idea presented. It can get >6.5. Try using some free grammar checker to check your essay first.  
  
Good luck on your IELTS
Hi there, please take a look at and give me your opinions in this essay. Thanks so much!  
  
**Environmental protection is the responsibility of politicians, not individuals as individuals can do too little. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## governments and individual's duty

  
  
Environment issues are now becoming a major threat to life on Earth, but some people argue that protection is an obligation of politicians since they have greater impact on a total contribution than individuals. I completely disagree with this opinion because I believe that each of us has a certain role in reducing human impact on Earth.  
  
On the one hand, there are several reasons why politicians are responsible for these problems. Firstly, they are the ones who have been voted by majority in societies and in charge of bringing prosperity to communities. Secondly, they can influence people's habits and opinions by introducing new laws that can regulate the activities of individuals, companies and other polluters then control the pollution. Politicians on behalf of governments could also invest in renewable energy such as solar, wind and water power that limits the emissions of carbon dioxide comparing to fossil fuels. Having such kinds of powerful tools, it is easy to understand why politicians are supposed to be key figure in resolving environmental problems.  
  
However, on the other hand, I still believe that individuals also play an indispensable role to address the problems of environment. For example, each of us should also try to be greener by taking public transport rather than driving, choosing products with less packaging, recycling as much as possible. As the result, the amount of waste and the carbon dioxide emissions has decreased significantly. Furthermore, the public can affect the actions of governments by voting for politicians who propose to concern about environment rather than those who would prefer ignore it.  
  
In conclusion, it is clear to me that protecting the environment is both governments and individual's responsibility and I disagree with those who argue that individuals can do little in this problem.
***There is an increasing trend around the world of married couples deciding not to have children. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for couples who decide to do this***  
  
## happy family without a child?

  
  
The number of married couples who opt for a child-free lifestyle is becoming a rising trend around the globe. Although the primary advantage of this decision making is that the families' well-being will remain stable, the main drawback of this is that it might result in a lonely life when the years to come.  
  
Maintaining a family's happiness and health appears to be the evident benefit for couples deciding not to have children. Since these couples barely tackle family pressures from being a parent, they can avoid unnecessary arguments deriving from the parent's responsibility and education fees. As a result, not only can child-free parents maintain the quality of the family, but they also are free to pursue their life expectancy. For instance, more than 129 couples asked in a survey in 2010 admitted that they had proactively chosen to be child-free parents to minimize family pressures.  
  
However, being the lonely elderly reflects the main downside of opting for a child-free lifestyle. When married couples decide to live without the appearance of a child, they might confront a lonely life when their spouse passes away. Inevitably, they could live alone by themselves in either their house or in a nursing home where they are taken care of by the government. For instance, Singapore authority has recently allocated more than 30% of the government budget to construct more nursing homes since the number of the elderly is rising over the years.  
  
In conclusion, although being a child-free parent has promoted the benefit of a healthy and happy family, it could negatively affect the couples in the future concerning the lonely aged.  
  
P/s: All the examples are unreal.
@Iqbal3993  
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.  
  
First and foremost, I think that a good chunk of your mistakes are based on the technical angle of writing. Notably, you have to be cautious when you are trying to lay out the details in a comprehensive light. Bear in mind that you have to ensure proper capitalization and usage of punctuation marks. Take a good look and review your first paragraph as it is quite prevalent here.  
  
Furthermore, the latter parts where you discuss your preferences should be understood with the same sentiment. You can omit the numbers and instead just write out everything as formally and structurally as possible.  
  
You do not necessarily have to detail everything out to the finest and more specific point of views. Simply prioritizing and giving preference to a specific portion will suffice.
Hi there, I am wondering if my body paragraphs has clearly convey the main idea in this essay, it would be grateful of you to give me some advice, thank you!  
  
***## Some people believe that nowadays we have too many choices.

  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?***  
  
According to some people's thought, they believe that the modern life provides us a great number of choices, and I completely agree with that since this e-generation and cutting edge technology has endowed people with substantial resources.  
  
In this modern society, the Internet has bring us much convenience. It enrich our life in many aspects, and abundantly offers us information. In the past, we can only watch dramas and movies through the television. The amount of TV programmes are limited, so there are only fixed channels we can watch. However, thanks to new technology, now we can choose whatever we want to watch on the Internet, as a bunch of videos are available online, such as Netflix, YouTube and other video platform.  
  
As technology bring us many choices, the massive information has disturb options of people when making decisions and causes some disadvantages. In order to attract people, some websites provide illegal films for free, so that they do not have to pay money going to cinema but watching the same movie. As a consequence, it can say that convenient technology boost the growth of private films. Another drawback is that due to numerous of choices, people spend too much time in this virtual world, and put less time and effort in the reality. This may cause several serious problems, like decreasing the efficiency when doing things in the real world, or ignoring things that we human should actually pay attention to.  
  
In conclusion, there is no doubt in my mind that we have so much options in this era. Those choices have bring us a lot of convenience, but if we cannot utilize them carefully, we may be overwhelmed in those explosive information.
@chloeyyy123  
Hi, there. I would like to give you some of my personal feedback about your writing. 😁😁  
  
As I read your writing, it is obvious to see that you take "e-generation" and "technology" as examples. From your body paragraphs, you listed several examples (internet, TV channels)to support your main ideas, which can be easily understood and persuaded.  
  
Here I have another example maybe you can take it as a reference.  
"We did not have affluent financial status before so that our choices are limited. For example, buying a cell phone 20 years ago was a luxury decision so most of people tended to use house phone. But thanks for the economic development so that we have quantity of facilities can be used in current generation."  
  
Beside technology, I would like to utilize this point to illustrate my point of view.  
  
Hope my opinion would help.😁😁
## studying a new language since primary school

  
  
*Could anyone advise should I also talk about the disadvantages of learning foreign language at secondary school as well OR it fine for me to only focus on discussing the advantages and disadvantages of learning foreign language at primary school only?  
  
I aim at band 6.5, how far is my writing from this score? How can I improve to get this score?  
  
Greatly appreciate your help for checking my essay and answering my question.*  
  
***Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
Lately, increasing number of students start to study a new language at primary school instead of secondly school. In my opinion, this trend has more advantages than disadvantages.  
  
There are several benefits that children can enjoy by learning a foreign language at primary school. Firstly, primary school students have more spare time to study things other than the compulsory subjects in school. In general, the teaching schedule of primary school is less packed than the one in secondary school. They usually have less homework and tests that means they have sufficient time do to revision and exercises after taking the foreign language lesson which are fundamental steps for a beginner to master the language. Secondly, primary education is mainly aim at exploring the interest and talents of a kid, many researches proof that it is the best and most efficient timing for children to learn a new language. Finally, there is no doubt that it takes many years for an individual to become sophisticated in using a language, the earlier a child start studying the language, the earlier they can master the language and enjoy the advantage brought by that.  
  
Admittedly, there is minor problem for primary student to learn a new language. Hardly could we become an expert of a language by simply memorizing the vocabularies and sentence structure. It also required the capability in using wide range of grammar in a flexible way which is obviously a too advance task for a primary school children.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that the advantages of studying a new language since primary school outweighed the disadvantages.
@Haliey  
please understand the question first, then you will get the answer that what you should be focusing on while writing. The question is: Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Answer will be either Yes or No. If yes then the benefits of learning foreign language at primary level is more than at the secondary level, otherwise vice versa. . You don't need to write any thing about the disadvantages of learning foreign language at secondary school.  
  
In order to get 7, you must follow the rules to produce a standard introduction. 1. Paraphrase the statement and 2. give your opinion. Here you didn't rephrase the statement. There are few ways of restating the statement. please learn those in order make the paraphrasing fun. I would have written the introduction as follows:  
  
It is believed by some scholars that learning foreign language is more useful for children at elementary school than at secondary level. In my opinion, I believe that benefits of acquiring foreign language at primary level outweighs it's drawbacks as offsprins are more receptive at early stage of life and they tend to have more time to learn as compared to the secondary school life.  
  
A standard essay requires you to outline the key points at the introduction to make the reader anticipate what is coming next.  
  
As you are of the opinion to support the advantages and writing the advantages at the first body paragraph, then start your firtst body paragraph by writing like this:  
  
Despite the drawbacks below, I believe the benefits for children to learn an international language are more due to having more spare time after school. .....  
  
you started the second body paragraph well... but I would recommend to add some more lines ,, you wouldn't be penalise for writing equal number of words for disadvantages, it depends on the type of language you use to emphasis more on advantages rather than word count.  
  
For conclusion, you have to summerise the points you explained in the essay and convey your opinion.  
In conclusion, being able to learn a foreign language effectively by entering into the process at elementary education far outweigh any minor drawbacks that could result from starting the learning process late at secondary level.
Hi there,  
  
It looks like you're struggling with the outline of this type of topic. Here is my suggestion for this kind of essay, I hope it helps.  
  
1/ Some general ideas about your essay.  
  
You didn't convey the idea clearly in the introduction paragraph and this affects affect the connection of the paragraphs. Your arguments are vague and the length between paragraphs isn't equal, this will negatively affect your score. You add too many ideas in one paragraph and don't develop them fully, which will lower your mark regarding CC and TA.  
  
2/ Recommended outline and generate ideas.  
  
To deal with this kind of question, you need to ask yourself that you support which idea and point out advantages and disadvantages when learning a foreign language AT PRIMARY SCHOOL.  
  
For example (base on your ideas and my opinion):  
+ Advantage: they have less homework and more time to revise the lessons => consolidate the fundamental knowledge, which is helpful for advance learning (strong advantage)  
  
+ Disadvantage: memorize vocabulary and grammar structures won't help primary students use the language effectively => learn the language naturally by imitating (this is an argument indicating that the disadvantage is not a big deal)  
  
=> The advantage outweighs the disadvantage  
=> You need to mention both the reasons **why the advantage outweighs the disadvantage** after you paraphrase the topic in your introduction. This question doesn't ask "GIVE YOUR OPINION", so you should avoid using "in my opinion" in the writing.  
  
So the introduction will look like this: "Paraphrase the topic. What is the advantage, and what is the disadvantage? The advantage far outweighs the disadvantage" - 3 sentences and don't mention "I", "In my opinion", etc.  
  
Each body paragraph, you need to develop how the advantage and the disadvantage will be to illustrate why one outweighs another. You shouldn't write too many advantages and disadvantages, they won't help.