dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi everyone, I'm cultivating for my IELTS Academic Writing task 2, which means I have to write 250 words minimum. Your comments would be a great help for my improvement.  
  
**DO YOU BELIEVE THAT PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES MAKE GOOD ROLE MODELS FOR YOUNG PEOPLE?  
SUPPORT YOUR OPINION WITH REASONS AND EXAMPLES FROM YOUR OWN KNOWLEDGE OR EXPERIENCE.** *(270 words)*  
  
Sport is an indispensable activity for human beings around the world. They are leisure strenuousness but also an occupation for a specific group of people which called an athlete. In my opinion, I have confidence in expert sportspeople that make duty prototypes for juniors.  
  
Proficient athletes gain an enormous observation from young people everywhere in the world. Many teenagers or even children would like to follow their favorite players. When a child plays a sport, most of them have their preferred sportsperson desire themselves to be as good as their icon. Playing sport is not all about improving health, some sports even teach us solidarity means they train ourself to work under a team and play fair. Besides, professional athletes also represent the consequence of hard work to their followers. They are great living examples for industrious practice yields success. Many of them even receive high incomes from advertisements, being models, or running their own business. Because of their reputation, they effortlessly obtain attention without paying much amount for marketing.  
  
Nevertheless, pro-players are not always good role, especially teenage athletes. Being financially comfortable as a juvenile makes them think that they can do what they wish for since penurious days. Great earning at a young age is a double-edged sword. Some of them concentrate on doing something to upgrade their property or helping unlucky circumstances. Some only spend their money extravagantly for partying overnight or under arrest because of rebellious behaviors.  
  
To sum up, professional athletes may become good role models for young people as long as they focus on doing meaningful, and become ideal for the young to imitate.
The essay has a point. However, the presentation is difficult for an English native speaker to understand. The words being used are oftentimes confusing to read as you seem to be over extending the sentences and paragraphs. Your lack of proper English word usage, which directly affect the scoring aspects, are lowered because of the confusing thought presentations.  
  
This essay will definitely get a failing mark overall. You have to learn how to think in English and write in English. You cannot think in Vietnamese then translate it in your thoughts, word for word into English. It is because of this manner of thinking-writing that your essay suffers in terms of clarity and proper word usage. You should spend about an hour everyday practicing thinking and writing in English. Do not use any prompts. Just write in general.  
  
For example, you can watch a Netflix movie in Vietnamese, without the subtitles in English. Translate the dialogue on your own, this is the thinking-writing in English part of the exercise. Then, watch the same movie, this time with subtitles on. Compare how close your translations are to the professional sub-titles. This will help you learn how to properly think and write in English. You can see your errors in translation and learn from it.  
  
I can see your potential to write properly in English. That is because you understood the prompt and discussion requirements better than the other students here. However, you still made a mistake in the discussion presentation as this is a single opinion essay, which you discussed as a comparative essay. That is not the main problem at this point. You can forget those errors until you learn to seamlessly think in English and write in English. That is the priority for now. The clarity of your writing is the most important thing at the moment.
Hi everyone. I'm practicing for B1+ English exam where I have to write 160-170 words essay but I never seem to fit in.  
  
## **Camping is the ideal way of spending a holiday.**

  
  
A holiday is made the best period of time for many people by busy schedules and tiring work and in my opinion, a perfect way to spend it is to go camping, since we already spend most of our time in the city and it gives us opportunity to go out in nature and make new friends.  
  
To begin with, we get in touch with nature while camping. For most of us, our everyday life is associated with busy urban area, with its traffic and noise. When we go camping we leave the city life behind and enjoy the beauty of nature and really experience the world. Moreover, camping is a great help to mental health, we escape from the stress of the city and feel relaxed the whole time in the calm atmosphere of nature.  
  
Secondly, we gain new friends. There are a lot of camping tours and if we go into one, we will interact with new people, with whom we might have a lot in common with and end up being friends, however, if you go camping with your own friends, it still helps you to form a stronger bond with them and get to know them better.  
  
Due to above mentioned facts, I believe that by making people closer to nature and letting them make new friends in such atmosphere, camping is the ideal way to spend a holiday.
The reason why you are going over the maximum word count is because you are writing the essay in an IELTS or TOEFL format. That means you are analyzing the topic when what you should be doing, is a discussion of the topic provided. If the question is :  
  
*What do you think is an ideal way of spending a holiday?*  
  
The direct response should be:  
  
*I think that the ideal way of spending a holiday is by going camping. That is because I have fun spending time in nature settings.*  
  
Then go on to explain what activities you enjoy doing when you are camping. You can explain that you enjoy cooking by using firewood, you like pitching tents to sleep in, and you like fishing in lakes, or other similar explanations.  
  
The B1 test has to prove that you are fluent enough to carry on simple English conversations. Based on what I have read, you do not have the simple fluency ability nailed down at this point. You do not sound fluent yet. I am sure you will get there. Just keep practicing. Focus on writing short instead of long responses, in conversation, rather than analytical opinion form.
This is my IELTS writing practice. Please leave a comment if you find out any mistakes or you want to share your own opinions about this topic. I appreciate all of your comments. Thank you.  
  
*SPOKEN COMMUNICATION IS MORE POWERFUL THAN WRITTEN COMMUNICATION.*  
## TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

  
  
Some people are of the opinion that speaking is a more powerful form of communication than writing. Personally, I believe that both methods are highly effective; however, it simply depends upon the specific circumstances as to which are the most appropriate at the time.  
  
Speaking is an extremely effective and efficient mode of communication in certain contexts. The tone of someone's voice can powerfully convey a wide range of emotions, which definitely helps people connect on an emotional level. Oral communication enables listeners to obviously experience speakers' complex emotions like sadness, joyfulness or anger, etc in order to have apposite responses. Besides, misunderstandings and conflicts can also be easily prevented when people interact face to face. For example, if someone is confused about what the other is saying, they can immediately ask for further explanation, and speakers can also adjust misapprehensions.  
  
On the other hand, writing can also be an effective tool in daily communication. In the workplace, written documents are valuable tools, while speech may sometimes be ignored or interpreted in different ways, written forms are usually stated very clearly. Additionally, written documents are easy to be archived and usually required in legal matters. This is the reason why many important documents, including memos, reports, job descriptions, and e-mails, are usually kept in written form. Moreover, on several occasions, people tend to enjoy sending and reading letters to congratulate someone on their success or birthday, especially declare one's love to others. Letters can help them express their feelings that they do not bravely say in words in daily life.  
  
To sum up, both modes of communication have their own purposes, benefits, and drawbacks. It is a must to carefully consider which form to apply in particular situations.
I am not sure what kind of advice I can give you. That is because you are not giving helpful comments to other students at this forum. You have repeatedly been told that sentence rewriting is not giving useful advice to students. Telling them how you would write an essay or sentence is not useful to them. Neither is asking them questions when you do not understand something. Since that is the type of advice I believe you want, I am sorry but I cannot help you. We do not consider rewriting essays/ paragraphs/ sentences real advice at this forum because students write in an individually unique manner and should not be told how to write just because you think you can write it better. It is obvious that is the kind of advice that you want from me and the other users here. Since you cannot provide helpful advice, I cannot reciprocate in your essay posts.
## you will not learn much about life if you are always comfortable

  
  
many of us wants to learn about life in comfortable and in easy way without any hardship, it is just like wanting to earn a money without a job which is impossible but knowing about life by facing struggle push you more further in life, helps you know more about life. if you earn something in life without any struggle it means nothing or its value becomes zero.  
  
we all know that hard work always pays off sooner or later, so we always need to keep trying until and unless we achieve our goals. from the barbarian stage to this technological era nothing have just evolved by the snap of the finger, it took lots of time and hard work.so, if we all want to gain something we have to work for it we have to give everything we have got. for example, its just like the game of snake and ladders where there will be ups and downs and at last victory.  
  
nowadays coming generation have all facilities they don't have to go outside work hard to full fill there desires because there parents provide them all they want which makes there children dependent. parents wont be there all the time beside you, the time will come when they have to face the outer world on there own, so living life in the comfortable way makes you parasite because I was parasite too at some time, I never faced problems in my life I was just like the shadow of my parents I never worked on my own which made me weaker than others. to gain confidence and to grow stronger we have to do every thing on our own.  
  
by working hard on your own you will know the actual taste of the victory it will fell whole better than achieving something comfortably. you will learn more better and you will be more matured in life by facing obstacles on your own. learning about life by facing problem gives your way more experience than learning comfortably. you will be in whole new level than the others and most important you will be more satisfied with yourself.  
  
learning about life with ease never helps you to move forward you will always remain in the same place where you were before so, we should come out from our comfort zone start pushing our own limit which helps us to learn more about the life.
Kindly remember that there are certain writing rules that are a hard rule for the English language, regardless of whether it is UK or USA English. One of the hard rules is that all sentences must begin with a capital letter, something that forgot about while writing your essay. This is a serious error that will have a direct effect on the way your writing is scored. Be careful next time. Familiarize yourself with the basic writing rules of English and make sure to follow these with every essay that you write.  
  
While you did write quite a long essay, I am afraid that your errors in presentation are not going to help your score. There are sentence structure and word usage problems that show how you were concentrated only on writing in English. You did not care to make sure that you used the words properly to help deliver the meaning of your sentence / paragraph. I am not impressed by this type of writing and neither will this impress the examiner. Work on the grammar rules and vocabulary. Make sure the words are used in the correct manner to deliver clarity to your sentence. You can write the minimum number of words and get a better score than what you would have gotten with this type of presentation in an actual test. There is the right time and place to use idioms in your writing. An essay full of idioms is not one of those places.
~~in comfortable and in easy way~~: "in a comfortable and easy way" or "in comfortable and easy ways".  
  
You can also use "long to" or "desire to" instead of "want to".  
  
I think this sentence "it is just like wanting to earn a money without a job which is impossible but knowing about life by facing struggle push you more further in life, helps you know more about life" is quite long and does not clearly deliver your idea due to the structure.  
  
~~earn a money~~: earn money  
  
There're many repeated words that make your essay less attractive as well.
IELTS WRITING TASK 2  
***It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives.***  
## Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society.

  
  
In the era of technology, it is a fact that people have difficulty avoiding the impact of social networking sites. This essay will analyze both the benefits and drawbacks influences of using multimedia.  
  
On the one hand, there are several reasons why becoming a netizen is beneficial. Firstly, it's pretty helpful for people to get online conservation in any nation owing to significant contributions to our lives, especially in the Covid-19 pandemic. In Vietnam, for instance, online learning makes pupils find it easier to gain knowledge than try to understand schoolbooks by themselves in pandemic times. Secondly, it can't be denied that people could effortlessly get considerable information from the media, which provides an enormous amount of information sources worldwide so that users could consume that information. To illustrate, we would be known the number of confirmed deaths and infected people from Covid-19.  
  
On the other hand, there are a number of disadvantages of immersing in social media that people should take into consideration. The principal one is that the media has a negative impact on a child's growth, wherein, adolescents are more likely to be victims of cyber molestation than adults due to the early approach. For example, thousands of U.S. Internet users have personally experienced abuse leading to psychological diseases. In addition, people may be fond of watching movies or programs all the time and do not spend their time on outdoor activities, which can be the main cause of diseases in the future.  
  
In conclusion, those disadvantages just controlled thoroughly, I believe that living in a media-rich society is a worthy advantage of modern life. However, we should make use of mass media reasonably to balance the cons and pros of this.
While other tutors advocate for the simple restatement of the discussion instructions in the prompt restatement, I have personally found, and my students who have passed their IELTS tests can attest to this, that it is always better to present a thesis statement, covering the discussion instructions instead. This is because the thesis statement shows how well the writer understood the prompt instructions, and offers an insight into what sort of discussion topics the writer will be using. Both of which are foundations for academic writing in UK and US colleges and universities. It shows how familiar a student is with the academic requirements of English speaking tertiary educational institutions. Your prompt restatement does not follow this format so it only shows the examiner that you can restate the prompt, but not really offer an early analysis and discussion of the topic, without going into details. This just proves that you are a good mimic, nothing more. It is the thesis statement that always boosts the score overall.
## What are the advantages and disadvantages of traveling?

  
  
In recent times, tourism generates a significant portion of national income for many countries, but it has certain drawbacks too  
On the one hand, there are so many advantages of having overseas holidays for everyone, especially for the rich. First of all, they can spend time in other countries, which often has many differences in culture. For instance, most Vietnamese people are interested in going to Japan, which is the prettiest and cleanest city in Asia and has special customs, culture as well. Secondly, many tourists have good chances to improve the foreign language skill. It means that they can practice with the native speaker directly and get the picture about many idioms of the country they visit.  
  
On the other hand, tourism also has some major disadvantages like destruction of popular tourist destinations and development of banned economic activities. Old buildings, temples and monuments struggle to cope with a lot of visitor's traffic and get damaged. Also, the large number of tourists can cause environmental problems. For example, when places of interest are overcrowded, natural resources often become over utilised.Additionally, the presence of a considerable number of tourists with a lot of money to spend, and often carrying valuables such as electronic devices and phones, increases the attraction for the environment.  
  
In conclusion, despite having some disadvantages , I still recommend everybody should go travel since there are many clear advantages that it provides.
The first penalty that will applied to this writing pertains to the lack of word count. Out of the 250 minimum, you only provide an essay of 235 words. So the essay will begin its scoring mark with major deductions, without even considering the incomplete prompt restatement at that. Your prompt restatement does not properly represent:  
  
- The topic  
- Reason for the discussion  
- Discussion instructions / question response.  
  
The prompt restatement is always composed of a minimum of 3 sentences. You only used 1 incomplete sentence, that even had a missing punctuation mark at the end. So there are immediately 2 deductions at the very start:  
  
- Prompt restatement inaccuracy  
- GRA errors  
  
Your summary conclusion is also only 23 words out of the suggested 40 words or 2 sentences for that section. You do not really reiterate the topic, your opinion, and supporting reasons in the end, which is the whole point of the reverse paraphrase section at the end.
I think instead of "too", it's better to use "as well" for your essay.  
  
And some words and sentences can be rewritten:  
1. "so many advantages": several obvious advantages  
2. "First of all, they can spend time in other countries, which often has many differences in culture." can be written like this "First of all, spending holidays or day-offs in other countries enables people to extremely experience distinctive cultural attractions."  
  
You can also put some more adj and adv in the sentences to make your essay more attractive.
## serving the community without paying

  
  
It is claimed that a mandatory factor of high school curriculum is serving the community without paying. In my opinion,I completely advocate this idea.  
  
It is undeniable that taking part in community services help students to prepare essential equipment before coming out of their comfort zones. Beginning with,unpaid community service can make students have deeper insight into realistic life. To be specific, students may get direct exposure to expedient situations which are rougher and tougher than their own safe zone, witnessing the poor living standards in the slums, for example. Therefore, the young will enrich their perception and have different viewpoints, which accelerates them to become mature and thought-provoking. In addition, those activities bring golden opportunities for students to harness their life skills. For instance, working for a community requires the juvenile to integrate into groups with a huge number of people and have face-to-face interactions, as a result, their interpersonal skills will be considerably improved.  
  
Additionally, participating in community services without paying may entail the positive impact on the foundation of personality among the youngsters. To be specific, it is requisite that students surpass their own selfish demands to serve others without paying. It means that adolescents need to have the sense of dedication and become selfless. Moreover, the students can relax their mind and find happiness in working freely for community after arduous and stressful schooltime  
  
In conclusion, unpaid community service is a necessary fraction in high school and has to be developed in virtue of its positive effects on the young.
I completely advocate this idea.  
Why? What is the basis of this opinion? Complete your thesis statement by indicating your major discussion points for further development in the succeeding paragraphs. The indication of your supporting ideas lends to the higher TA score as it will help determine the clarity of your opinion based on your understanding of the topic.  
  
It is undeniable  
Some people will deny this. Do not make claims that can be countered by a separate argument. In fact, you do not need to claim the validity of any discussion in the presentation since nobody is asking for that. The topic for discussion does not require this statement and should not be included in the discussion. It is better not to make exaggerated claims that could affect the original discussion presentation's accuracy.  
  
You could have done more with the concluding summary. Make sure to always summarize the full discussion based on topic, reasons, and repeat of your opinion, within 40 words or 2 sentences to help increase the accuracy of your English comprehension skills and your ability to restate a discussion based on short presentation formats. Your TA score will be thankful for it.