dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi there,  
In my opinion, your idea discussion id quite good, however, I have some feedback:  
  
1/ Your opening paragraph and closing paragraph are a sharp contrast. One is long and contains a few sentences that are not needed (Paragraph 1), which confuses reader because they hardly catch your view. And your conclusion is just 1 sentence that is not strong enough to convince people.  
  
2/ Regardless of the prompt, you have to discuss both view and state your opinion. Your argument is just for one point of view and debate for it.
Jerry, since you are preparing for a general writing test in school. I do not suggest that you use IELTS topics for practice. That is because the IELTS test requires a different writing format from an ordinary essay test. The more appropriate prompts to use in your case would be TOEFL prompts instead because those do not have the same stringent requirements as the IELTS test does. It will be unfair to review your work based on review mechanisms not suited for the exam you will be taking. You can actually use any ordinary classroom essay prompt available online for your practice. Don't use IELTS prompts because it will be difficult for you to attain the requirements. Specially when you do not really need to meet such stringent writing requirements for your test.  
  
Based on the discussion instructions you were given, you did not discuss both points of view plus your opinion. Thus, in an actual IELTS test, this may not receive a passing score based on several other problems in your essay. However, for an ordinary essay writing test in English, your mistakes might be overlooked and your score may be a good one because your thoughts were clear in the essay. That is why I do not want you to practice using the IELTS prompts. It will be difficult to consider your essay writing requirements when the test prompt you are using has specific requirements that are highly different from your simple writing assessment needs.
Hi, this is the first time i have posted on this forum.  
i am preparing for the IELTS and my target is 6,5, please check my essay.  
Thank you very much.  
  
## Athletes can be a good role of models for young people?

  
  
Many top athletes are admire throughout their country and some even have fans all around the world. These athletes are the good role of models for young people, although in some way they can be a bad example.  
  
Sport has alway been received a huge attention by many people, especially from teenagers and children. Top athletes become the heroes to them and of course they want to be a hero. That means they will play sports, which is good for their health. Playing sports can also teach them many things such as teamwork, how to lose or win in gracefully. The professional athletes also demonstrate them the important of working so hard to achieve the goals, practicing to be good at somethings. Therefore, professional athletes can be a models for teenagers and children to follow them.  
  
On the other hand, those athletes are not really a good example. Comparing to others jobs, athletes are paid a higher salary and it is not good when children or teenagers want to play sport just for money and fame. In that case, they will think that earning a lot of money is an important part of playing sport. Young people might focus on these aspects than on the fun of the game or the challenge of learn how to play well. Some athletes have bad behaviours like using drugs or being angry while playing sport. Those behaviours send wrong messages to young people.  
  
Professional can become a good model for teenagers and children, as long as they focus on a good aspect of them.
I am just working on preparing for the IELTS test like you but I hope my advice is useful for you:  
You made some grammatical mistakes in this essay, for instance:  
are admired  
especially ~~from~~ (the preposition maybe not necessary in this context)  
demonstrate to them the importance  
challenge of learning  
And other spelling mistakes: alway, sport, a models, somethings  
For word choice, I think you should try doing better on the quality and quantity of your vocabulary. For example:  
Many athletes win people's admiration...  
These athletes set good examples for...  
And I think you also should try to paraphrase in the opening paragraph because the paraphrased statement will show off your English comprehensive as well as impress the examiner in the first place.
## Write an email to the restaurant manager

 (150-200 words):  
-State what problems you had with the food ordered  
-Complain about the service  
-Describe how you want the restaurant to solve the problem to your satisfaction.  
  
Dear Ms. /Mr. Manager  
I wish to express my dissatisfaction about the food quality and customer service at your restaurant last night.  
  
I had made a reservation before I arrived in order to be served immediately. My order was a smoke BBQ chicken, dark meat with a side of chicken soup. I was impressed by how the fantastic food decoration was. It would have been a perfect dinner if the soup had not been sour and cold. I was unable to eat it and I brought the issue to one of the staff members. He showed up with a drowsy face, pulled my soup off the table without saying a single word. His lack of empathy for my issue made me furious. This was my first experience at the restaurant and it appeared awkwardly to me.  
  
I am unsure that whether you are aware of the problem. I am making a demand on obtaining compensation from the restaurant for the poor service that I encountered. I would like to suggest that I am provided credit equal to the amount that I paid. I enclosed a copy of my bill in this email as a proof of my visit at your restaurant.  
  
I am looking forward to hearing from you.  
Sincerely,
Han, this letter does not appropriately express the situation that led to your dissatisfaction with the food service. You see, when you make a reservation at a restaurant, that only assures you of a place or table assignment upon your arrival. It does not have anything to do with the way the food was prepared. However, if you called in your reservation with a food order in advance, then the food should have been served immediately upon your arrival.  
  
Regarding the food quality, aside from saying the soup was sour and cold, you should have indicated a familiarity with the food order by describing how your order is normally served at other restaurants. What is the taste of the soup that you normally eat? What flavor were you expecting? That comparison sentence would have proven that you were indeed served a bad bowl of soup. The way you described it, you should have indicated that the soup was "spoiled" or not fit for eating.  
  
As for the staff member, the letter should have indicated what unsatisfactory solution the staff member offered if at all after taking your soup from the table. That would have satisfied the requirement for requiring compensation in your letter.  
  
Your closing statement is too harsh for a complaint letter. You must indicate an openness to a discussion and a satisfactory resolution for both parties. Don't demand compensation. Instead, offer to discuss avenues of resolution with the manager and give your contact details. That is how a proper complaint letter is formed.
## many talented women deserve to become a manager

  
  
No one can ignore the fact that companies even in developed countries are less inclined to put female in high-level positions and it maybe seems quite reasonable at first. One can reason that women have the pregnancy leave, they have a family to manage, and therefore they have enough responsibilities and will not do great in high-level positions. But if we look deeper, eliminating the chance of women getting high-level positions will leave us with only half of the talent pool. So I strongly agree that companies should allocate a certain percentage of the high-level positions to women.  
  
There is a general idea that women are the second gender, and they are not able to do complicated tasks. When it comes to workplace, the same idea is preventing women from taking high level positions. But since there is no empirical evidence on the relationship between gender and ability to perform in high-level positions, companies can't recruit based on the gender.  
  
On the other hand, it is vital for a company to recruit based on capabilities of the employee. Capability of a person is determined by his or her knowledge, skills & attitudes. When companies don't consider women for high-level positions, without no reason, they are putting aside half of capable perspectives.  
  
Lastly, there are some women already working for the company. They constitute a very important resource that company spends a lot of time and money to train them. If the company is not even considering promoting them to the higher-level positions, obviously it is wasting its resources.  
  
Overall, I agree that companies should rethink human resource allocation to consider recruiting more women in high-level position. Because gender shouldn't be a criterion for recruiting and companies, and other factors such as knowledge, skills, and attitudes should be considered. This way the companies can benefit from the whole talent pool.
First, I think you should write the detail topic and your introduction should be based on this, which means it has to conclude restatements of your topic instead of notifying some reasons needed more in demonstrated paragraphs.  
  
Second, explanations are not quite adequate to push your arguments to be many-sided, because you are organising too many fractions of paragraphs, which make us be interrupted and can not comprehend total. You should unify these paraghs become each one but more sufficient: introduced sentences, deep explaination, conclusion and examples.  
  
Hope that helps.
**Nowadays, a lot of buildings, such as offices and schools, are now being built with an open plan design. why is that?  
  
do you see this as positive or negative development?**  
  
## open plan design is the future

  
  
In this modern era, there are some architectures, which are used for people to work or children to study, are using an open plan design because of two main reasons, they are development of technology and environmental reason. and I strongly believe that it gives positive impact for our society.  
  
Open plan design will be able to people communicate and do interaction everyday. It will lead decreasing antisocial habit in our society. Because of development of technology, people are using their gadget to do daily activities more often such as gaming, listening music, ordering food, and buying something through social media, this condition produce individualistic people who do not want to talk each other even though they meet everyday. For example, people would rather spend lunchtime-break on their phone and eat their meals in the cubical room than gather and talk with friends in the canteen.  
  
Beside that, open plan design gives good impact for environment. If a building used it, air circulation would flow well, which means using air conditioner is not necessary anymore. since it has been considered as one of cause of ozone layer damage, usage of AC highly unrecommended. in the future, if open plan design is applied for all building in the world, negative effect of global warming can be reduced.  
  
to sum up, open plan design will lead positive development because people would be interact with each other more often, and it makes usage of air conditioner is not necessary anymore, which means it can be reducing of risk of global warming.
Dimas, your essay has too many run on sentences. Specifically in the opening paraphrase and concluding summary. Do not rely on the use of periods to separate your thoughts in the sentence presentations. Instead, use the 5 sentence presentation format that separates the sentence discussions using a period. That way you also manage to create a more diversified sentence structure presentation going from simple to complex and vice versa.  
  
Now, if you want to use the word "and" in a sentence, use it in the middle of a connected idea presentation. Never use "and" after a period because that is a connecting word and should be used accordingly. Also, you seem to have a problem with English writing rules. Try to remember that you need to capitalize the first word at the start of every new sentence. You made this mistake several times in the essay.  
  
Your second paragraph focused too much on the discussion of the antisocial habit of gadget use instead of explaining how open plan designs encourage socialization among peers instead. Don't lose focus of the actual topic for discussion. Remember to refer back to the original prompt after you finish drafting the essay to be sure that all of your responses relate to the expected information and does not digress in discussion as your second paragraph did.
Dear @dimdim02,  
  
I have some comments for your essay, hope it helps. Iam here still learning too.  
  
I think that you need to practice more in writing an effective sentence. I also found several errors in your essay. For example, in the first sentence of your first paragraph:  
  
In this modern era, there are some ...  
  
This sentence is too long and confusing. Make it into two sentences, and watch the grammar. For example:  
  
In this modern era, many buildings (I prefer use this word rather than architectures, or later you can check what's the synonim of building), which are used to work or study, are using an open plan design. I argue that this is because of two main reasons; technology development and environmental reason.  
  
Keep working on your essay. Practice will makes perfect, someone said. Good luck!
@dimdim02  
Hi, I have some feedback to your essay. In your introduction, it is not clear sentences because it has too much comma and you should remember to capitalization for a new sentence. You should practice to write follow this form i think it will better  
  
\* Body:  
Paragraph 1:  
+Topic sentence  
+definition  
+example  
+conclusion ( relate to topic sentence)  
Paragraph 2:  
(same paragraph 1)  
  
\* Conclusion  
1 or 2 sentences relate to a thesis statement in your introduction.
## [GRE : ISSUE] characteristics of a society

  
  
To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.  
  
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.  
  
\*\*\*  
  
A city is considerable as representative of a country or a region. With its complexity due to dense population from various background, a city could describes the characteristic of its country or its region. It is tempting to believe that the characteristic of a society will be comprehensively understood when we conduct a deeper research on its major cities.  
  
Furthermore, all great civilizations have had a flourishing cities. The government/king/queen have been living here. To understand most of its people, the way in which it is ruled, we must understand the city. In addition, cities have most of qualified universities and jobs which contribute to economic aspect and prosperity of society.  
  
With these evidences, it is easy to believe that by studying the city, the characteristic of a society will be easily concluded. However, I argue that how the way society live its life is not as simply as knowing the life of its city. Moreover, in a developed countries, there is a huge inequality of many aspects. For example, Indonesia has a largest archipelago with its huge variation of tribes, cultures, beliefs, etc. The cities in Indonesia only represent few of Indonesian people. The most population have been agricultural, and many rituals can only be understood in the context of a rural backdrop.  
  
So, while there are arguments that city is the best area for studying a society, it is clear that there is a wiser way to put rural background as main aspects in assessing a society, especially for developing or low-income countries.
Nuradia, you have a lack of control when it comes to using the English language during your presentation. You need to familiarize yourself more with the general descriptive words that are used in the English language so that you do not use unnecessary markings such as backslashes (e.g. government / king / queen) when a simple term such as "the seat of power" would have sufficed.  
  
There is also a lack of clarity in your discussion because, all the while, I thought you were agreeing with the statement based on the majority of your discussion presentation. Then it turns out that you were not in agreement with the discussion provided. Your essay should have focused on that opinion because that is your personal opinion that disagrees with the given statement. This is not a comparative essay. This is a direct personal opinion discussion based on the prompt you were provided.  
  
What you should have done was relate your actual opinion and then, thought of the contradictions to your belief that you could have countered in the discussion. The point of this essay is to debate yourself. Look for the loopholes in your discussion and then defend it. Doing so would have boosted your score to a 5. Right now, you are between a 3 and 4 due to the problems that are present in your discussion and presentation.
Hi there,  
In general, I could understand your opinion in this essay. Here are my feedback:  
  
1/ Repeated word in the 1st paragraph. Your opening paragraph does state the prompt and overall, I have no idea what is the prompt in your essay.  
  
2/ The 1st sentence of the 2nd paragraph, you have a grammar mistake: "Would advantage", the Verb is missing  
  
3/ I think, you indicate too many data for increasing the minimum wage instead of analyzing 1 or 2 points clearly, precisely and concisely.
Jane, since you did not provide a proper prompt statement for this essay, it is impossible to assess your work based on CBEST guidelines. Your very long explanation became useless because I could not connect your explanation with your writing difficulties because of the lack of comparison basis. Regardless, the more obvious problems that exist in your essay presentation still struck me.  
  
The first problem is that you could not clearly explain what the original prompt is about. Which leads me to believe that you have a weakness when it comes to English comprehension skills and vocabulary usage. You do not have the ability to explain an English text that has various complexities attached to it. The best way for you to address this problem is by practicing to paraphrase English instructions without a particular topic yet. In fact, you can take any English worded reading material and just explain what you understood either about the whole article or just a passage. Post your explanation here for assessment and be on your way towards improving your paraphrasing skills.  
  
You need to be familiar with English writing rules as well. Please note that you have capitalized words in the essay which should have been written in lower case letters based on its general presentation. These are not sentence starting words nor nouns so they need not be capitalized in the presentation.  
  
Do not present questions in your CBEST essay. You are supposed to be discussing a certain topic in this instance. By presenting a question that may or may not directly relate to the topic, you are changing the slant of the discussion and as such, changing the overall content and meaning of the presentation.  
  
I believe that it would be best for me to stop with my review of your work at this point because I am uncertain about certain aspects of the discussion due to the lack of the prompt. Please remember to post the prompt with your CBEST response essay the next time you post an essay for review here so that you can get a more appropriate and relevant assessment of your presentation.
*Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children*  
  
## Computers and children

  
  
In contemporary world, due to advancement field of computer technology, using a computer plays an essential role in our lives. While I accept that using computer can sometimes bring an enormous number of positive effects on youngsters, I believe that they are more likely to have harmful impacts.  
  
On the one hand, computer has made children's lives easier numerous ways. From an educational perspective, thanks to useful tool, young users could be easily to gain more knowledge and access to a wealth of information about various subjects and researches. Therefore, they could develop their skills such as computer literacy, presentation skills and debating throughout their studies and working lives. What is more, by transported into using a computer with the cyber world which are often more fascinating than real-life pastimes, they could take a break from studying and recharge their mind.  
  
However, I would argue that these benefits are outweighed by drawbacks. Becoming getting involved with social network, children could highly possible become computer addicts, leading to reducing academic performance. This is because they are finding it difficult to meet the deadlines of their school assignments and concentrate on reviewing their lessons. From a health perspective, children sitting in front of a computer screen more hours a day would have detrimental influence on their health problems. According to a research by the WHO in 2015, about 80% of teenagers sticking their eyes on computer screen are more likely to face higher risk of obesity than the ordinary people due to sedentary lifestyle and lack of exercises which is necessary for staying fit and healthy.  
  
In conclusion, I agree that the potential dangers of using a computer are more significant than the possible benefits.
Hello everyone. I'm a beginer. My target is 6.5. Please help me check my writing. Thanks a lot.  
  
**In spite of the many advances women have made in education and employment, they continue to be at a disadvantage when it comes to pay and promotion. In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?**  
  
## gender inequality problem

  
  
Thanks to the development in education and employment, there is now greater equality between men and women. However, women still tend to earn less and lack of promotion in their occupation. In my viewpoint, it is vital to take action constructively in order to gain opportunity equally for both two genders.  
  
One feasible approach would be for government to force employers to take on the same numbers of men and women, give them equivalent workloads and pay them the same salaries. By this way, women and men will have equality in not only salary but also promotion. This solution would take a long time to success. Nevertheless, the problem is that government could have trouble in taking resources to do statistics.  
  
To further encourage equality, governments should take the lead in ensuring that the salary companies pay based on employer's productivity. That means the important factor is the ability of employers, not the gender they are. If they work hard and bring income to their company, they will earn much money and also have chances to get a higher position. This would establish gender equality as a norm of society and set a good example for private companies. However, this solution would be a disadvantage for women in jobs requiring much physical strength.  
  
It is obvious that the problem of gender inequality in the workplace will probably not be tackled quickly. Nevertheless, government and the community should pay more attention and take action now. Especially, the government should be the leader in changing thinking of companies so that they will more concerned on women's equality.