dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Dear all, it is me again... the more I am here viewing people's essay the less confidence for me to post mine... anyway, I'm anonymous and nobody so I have nothing to lose. And most importantly **I like the members here** always willing to give me hand. So here I am.  
  
can the tax raise reduce traffic jam and pollution?  
  
**Some people tell that to reduce traffic and pollution, government should increase the tax on petrol (gasoline).  
Would there is note benefits than the drawbacks?**  
  
Nowadays traffic jam and pollution are the major issues that appear on almost every developed country. To eliminate the impacts that cause, some people suggest that the government should raise the tax on petrol to reduce congestion and pollution. While the tax increase may bring some benefits to the society, I think we should consider the negative impacts it may arise.  
  
On the one hand, some people believe that there will be lesser number of private vehicles on road if government impose a higher petrol tax. It is because the high tax will push up the oil price hence the driver's cost on travelling by private car will also increase. That lead car owner to seek for an alternative, the public transportation system for instance, when they travel. As a result both traffic congestion and pollution problems will be eased off.  
  
On the other hand, besides the car owners, citizen also have to bear the cost due to the price rise on the gasoline if the higher tax policy is apply. The reason behind is that the tax increase will also affecting anyone who use petrol such as public transportation and logistics companies. In the end the amount increase on new taxation policy will transferred to their clients, such as, by raising the ticket fees and prices for food, commodities and durables. Hence if the government is aim to focus on introduce higher tact to the private car owners, this will minimize the impact thus the policy for the public.  
  
In conclusion, although the tax raise may brings negative impact to everyone in the city, it actually can reduce traffic jam and pollution. So I believe this policy bring to the society more beneficial effects than detrimental.
Greetings, my friend, you did a good job, but there are some things you should pay attention to:  
  
I - Introduction  
  
1. You did right when you stated your opinion in the introduction (always do that), but you should consider that the end, you said: "I believe this policy bring to the society more beneficial effects than detrimental". Therefore, why not adding a phrase mentioning the drawbacks of the taxation and, then, saying that, despite such drawbacks, this measure should be beneficial? What I mean is that, in the introduction, you highlight the drawbacks of the taxation, but, in the conclusion, you highlighted its benefits."  
  
2. The phrase "**To eliminate the impacts that cause**, some people suggest that the government should raise the tax on petrol to reduce congestion and pollution" is grammatically incorrect, as it is unclear who cause the impact. Try something like: "To eliminate their impacts, some people".  
  
II - Development  
  
1. Good job contrasting the benefits and drawbacks of the taxation!  
  
2. Shouldn't invert the order of the paragraphs? You would be able to quickly mention the drawbacks and, in the end - nearer to the conclusion -, start your paragraph with something like "In spite of this, some people believe..."  
  
3. As you are writing an argumentative essay, you should state your beliefs more confidently. Instead of saying "... there will be lesser number of ...", say that there *will* be fewer cars on the road and, then, show why.  
  
4. There are some grammar spelling mistakes:  
"there will be ~~lesser number of~~  [fewer, as "lesser" means something of little importance] private vehicles ~~on road~~ [the road] if ~~government~~ [the government] impose**s** a higher petrol tax.  
  
"It is because" seems too simple for an exam essay. Why not using "... if **the** government impose a higher petrol tax, as it will push ..."  
  
"That lead**s** car"  
"citizen**s** also have"  
"policy ~~is apply~~" - this should be a passive voice: "is applied"  
"The reason behind is" - again, too simple, but, if you want to keep it, you should write "behind **this** is"  
"clients, ~~such as~~, by raising" - just remove the expression  
  
III - Conclusion  
1. Why not writing a bigger summary of your thesis here? You may restate the benefits and drawbacks mentioned and, then, say that the measure should be taken.  
  
Well, I hope my comments helped you :)  
  
Best regards,  
Arthur.
Thanks! Thanks Arthur for your feedback.  
  
You caught me, I was confused on choosing which side at the beginning and firm my position after but forgot to change the order of the paragraphs (and modify the introduction paragraph to keep the tone of the essay align)  
  
Re the simple sentences and phrases... yes I was trying to keep it simple since I was used to mistakenly think that write something complex and it end up with run-on and difficult to read... I am still finding the balance of it. It is true that i need more vocabularies or synonyms or whatever, still lot to learn from you guys!  
  
Re the conclusion, do you mean it would look better if I go deeper on paraphrasing my body paragraphs there?
@smally01 you almost got the prompt paraphrase completely right. You made a slight error in your direct question response. That is, you only tackled one of the two aspects for discussion. BTW, can you do me a favor next time and please, double check the question before you post your essay? I believe it or not, your original prompt has been almost consistently inaccurately worded and it makes reading the prompt and trying to figure out what the instructions are extremely difficult for the reader. Practice being a responsible writer even now. Double check the original prompts before you post. The original question is "Would there be more benefits than drawbacks?" Your autocorrect is on, which tells me that you are probably typing on your mobile phone. Turn off auto-correct if you can please. Post as originally written as well.  
  
This is a comparative essay discussion. So when the question is: Would there be more benefits than drawbacks, the correct response is " This essay will consider whether or not there are more gains than losses with regards to the increase in gasoline taxes."  
  
Your comparison discussion is acceptable. However, you have some grammatical inaccuracies such as the use of the word "tact" which means, "adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues." Did you mean to say "tax" instead?  
  
This is a 5 paragraph essay. So your belief should have been in a separate stand alone paragraph, not, as I keep reminding the students, in the concluding summary because the concluding summary just presents a short version of your discussion to the reader. The format:  
  
1. Paraphrase  
2. Topic 1  
3. Topic 2  
4. Personal opinion  
5. Concluding summary
Hi Smally  
Nice essay in term of structure and vocab. As the other two pointed out you need to proofread your work. Do not give the examiner the chance to degrade your fine work with some typo or obvious mistakes in grammar.  
  
Just a tip here, if you are in shortage of time and you still want to point out your opinion without writing another paragragh, you could ask phrase such as I believe or in my opinion, from my standpoint in the 2nd paragraph that you choose to support. Besides, to make it even clearer, in the 1st one, you can use phrase like some people believe. It is assumed by some people...  
  
Hope that helps  
Keep it up
## Banning Smoking in Public Places

  
  
Prompt: **Smoking not only harms the smoker, but also those who are nearby. Therefore, smoking should be banned in public places.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Answer: Smoking is believed to be detrimental to the smoker and those who are nearby, and thus should to be prohibited in public places. I tend to agree with this argument for two reasons.  
  
The first reason is that those who smoke in public places harm others' health. Public places, such as buses, shopping centers, and hospitals are often crowded, which means a large number of people will suffer from second-hand smoke if one person smokes. This air pollution in public places may cause coughing, high-blood pressure and even lung cancer in those who do not smoke. Second-hand smoke could be particularly harmful to children and the elderly, whose respiratory system are likely to be vulnerable. Banning smoking in public places would protect people's health by creating a secondhand smoke free environment.  
  
Second, for smokers, forbidding smoking in public places would reduce their chance to smoke, which is good for their health. If workplaces ban smoking, for example, workers would have to go elsewhere in order to smoke. This inconvenience could contribute to a decline in their frequency of smoking. Additionally, some may resolve to quit smoking as it becomes more and more difficult to find a place to smoke. In this way, prohibition of smoking in public places would rid those who smoke of the detrimental habit.  
  
In conclusion, banning smoking in public places would benefit non-smokers, by protecting them from second-hand smoke; meanwhile, such prohibition could help smokers reduce their frequency of smoking. That is why I completely agree that smoking should be forbidden in public places.
Dear Tricie Liu  
Your essay is neat and thorough with clear structure. However, I would argue that you can change the second paragraph in the body into the first one. By that way, it matched with the requirement of the topic "Not only harm the smoker (body1) but also those who nearby (body 2)  
  
You also need to improve on your lexical resource and sentence form to make yourself clearer. For example in your 2nd paragraph: One people smoking in public places can coerce thousands of other people into suffering. Besides the common symtomp of coughing, breathing problem, those who have a long and constant exposure to the exhaust of cigarettes can experience severe disease such as....  
  
Again for the 2nd paragraph, diversify your sentence vocab and structure would be nice. For example, If there is a restriction on smoking in all companies, cigarette consumers will reluctantly find elsewhere to practice their harmful routine  
  
For the conclusion, you can combine it into one sentence by saying I strong believe that anning smoking in public pla, ces would benefit non-smokers...  
  
Good job, keep practicing, Tricie!
**Some people believe it's wrong to keep animal in zoos while other think that zoos are important for both its educational and ecological value. Discuss both views**  
  
## zoo still plays a crucial part in protecting endangered species

  
  
In this modern world, there has been an ongoing debate on the controversial roles of the zoo. Some believe keeping animals in cage is morally wrong wwhile others emphasize on the preservation and education roles that rest upon the shoulder of the zoo. In this essay, I shall put forth my arguments to discuss both perspective to get the impartial view of the problem.  
  
There are several reasons to implicate that it's unethical to nurture wildlife animals in captivity. Confining animals in small spaces has been scientifically proven to assert some detrimental effects on their behaviors. Predators raised in the zoo lose their instinct to hunt while small creatures do not feel threatened by their hunters. The disappearance of these traits, which keep them alive in the wild, put their existence in peril. The dependant on human for food and care, in addition, worsen the above problem.  
  
The zoo offers some crucial benefits despite of the downsides. It is, first of all, a sanctuary for some endangered species, which should have perished if left alone in the wild. Take dodo birds for example, if it had not been for the relentless effort of the Australian Zoo, this distinctive bird could have been wiped out. Scientists at the zoo work their best to provide an environment that is predator-free and with stable temperature so that the bird and its offspring can thrive. Another factor to demonstrate the significant role of the zoo is its ample educational value for children of all ages. Zoo is the ideal place to instil the awareness to preserve the environment into young generation's mind.  
  
In conclusion, although facing with several criticisms for its moral issues, the zoo still play a crucial part in protecting endangered species and education young children.
Hi PaulthePhoenix, hope that I can help.  
  
Tell me if I am wrong, Isn't it the question is asking whether or not keeping the animals in zoo instead of the role of maintaining the zoo? I just get little confused by reading the first sentence of the first paragraph...  
  
And I believe if you can put some "Cohesive Devices" to your essay will help a lot for the reader to follow your points and ideas.  
  
Predators raised in the zoo [...] The dependant on human ...  
Maybe you can think about on changing the order for the above statement, so that reader will be easier to follow the correlation in between. E.g. animals are locked, well feed by humans so they lost their instincts. Since they lost those traits which is essential for them to survive when released to the wild, they are in danger...
@PaulthePhoenix  
Overall, your essays sounds good to me. However, there are some small mistakes I'd like to point out, mostly in word usage. I think you used a lot of "unique" words in your essay, however, they may sound unnatural or wrong. This is very tricky to non-native speakers, I also have difficulty with this problem all the time. So the advice is: always check your words meaning, especially if you use a word to gain a higher score on Lexical resources criterion. Only use words that you're familiar with and can use confidently, even if they're not so "fancy".  
  
*In this modern world, there has been an ...* -> this sounds like a memorized sentence to me. It also did not contribute any significant effect to your introduction. Removing it doesn't break the word limit. So I suggest just throw it away. Instead, try to paraphrase the topic (your 2nd sentence) better. This will help showing your ability of understanding the topic and expressing the same idea in various ways.  
  
*"the downsizes"* -> please check this word again. I didn't find any dictionary explained this word as a noun, not to mention the similar meaning (that I assumed) of "drawbacks/disadvantages/negative etc."  
  
*Another factor to demonstrate* -> sounds unnatural  
  
*although facing with* -> again, didn't find this expression of "to face with something" anywhere. Just "to face sth" is enough.  
  
Hope this helps! Feel free to discuss any point you disagree. Have a good day!
*Topic: The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to s3x and age. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.*  
  
## who buys music albums in the UK?

  
  
The given bar charts illustrate the percentage of people who buy 3 different types of music albums in the UK, namely pop, rock and classical music, classified into various genders and age groups.  
  
The data shows that between the two genders, men always buy music albums more than women. Among 4 age groups, the one of between 25 - 34 years old has the highest percentage on average, while people above the age of 45 tend to buy music albums the least.  
  
People who purchased Pop and Rock music are dominantly male, with 28% and 25%, respectively. In these two genres, the percentage of male buyers is at least 10% higher than that of female buyers. However, in the category of Classical music, even though male percentage still exceeds female percentage, the gap between two figures is less than 4%, with around 6% for female buyers and nearly 10% for male buyers.  
  
Looking at different age groups, it is clear that most musical albums were purchased by people between 25 and 34 years old. This age group made up above 30% of all purchases for both Pop and Rock music, which makes it the biggest group in these 2 categories, while the smallest percentage is of the group over 45 years old. In contrast, the highest percentage of buyers for Classical music albums belongs to the group of people who are from 45 and above, and the smallest group is of youngsters from 16 to 24 years old.  
  
(248 words)  
  
*
Thank you for your comment. I find that this essay is just too long (over 200 words) while the suggested length is just around 150 -170 words ( mainly because it's time-consuming to write such a long report). However, I'm struggling with reducing its length without cutting the content. I think that all these points are necessary, and I can't remove any thing. Do you have any suggestion? Could you think of any way to rewrite my long sentences? I'll be grateful.
Please help me correct this essay. Thank you for your help.  
  
*Disruptive school students have a negative influence on others. Students who are noisy and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately. Do you agree or disagree with this view? Give reasons for your answer.*  
  
## naughty students should be grouped together and taught separately

  
  
As you know, disruptive school students have a negative influence on others. Some people think that students who are noisy and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately. In the following essay, we will discuss to clarify this issue together.  
  
On the one hand, grouping students to teach that bases on their qualifications brings many advantages. Firstly, it is very easy for teachers to have teaching methods appropriate to each object. For example, students who are bad at Math usually need to be taught more meticulously and they really want to do the exercises that suit their learning capacity rather than hard exercises just for numerate students. Secondly, separate teaching is perhaps a good new for gifted students. In fact, there is a big difference in the work time between good students and poor students, as a result, gifted students are likely to promote their maximum ability if they are grouped together and taught separately.  
  
On the other hand, everything has more than one face and in fact, there are numerous shortcomings besides above benefits. Firstly, disruptive school students will have no good examples to follow and there is also no one who helps them do hard exercises. Thereby, they will become noisier and more disobedient if they are not managed strictly by teachers. Furthermore, when teachers segregate poor students, these students will feel that they are treated unfairly and are very susceptible to autism. These may be reasons to explain why nowadays Department of Education is still hesitating about teaching separately for each student group.  
  
From what has been discussed above, I personally disagree with the idea that supposes naughty students should be grouped together and taught separately. It would be better if we learn together and help each other to progress together.
You should mention that this is an IELTS essay.  
In your introduction, you should say whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Your opinion must be clear to the readers from the beginning of the essay.  
  
As for your second paragraph, I think that you misunderstand the question. The children that are needed to be taught separately are noisy, disobedient and disruptive, which means that they don't want to learn and often cause problems for other students. The question doesn't mention that students should be grouped by academic ability. In this paragraph, you only write about the advantages of grouping according to students' ability.  
  
Your essay has some grammatical and lexical mistakes as well as misuse of phrases and words. There are some examples:  
**As you know**  
**we will discuss to clarify this issue together.**  
You shouldn't use these phrases in an academic essay. Talking to the readers like this in an essay seems informal.  
  
**disruptive school students have a negative influence on others. Some people think that students who are noisy and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately**  
  
You just repeat the whole question again. To avoid repetition, you need to paraphrase the question.  
  
**grouping students to teach basedon their academic ability.**  
  
**Secondly, separating students into different classes is perhaps good news for gifted students**
Nguyen, your opening paragraph is almost a verbatim presentation of the original prompt. You cannot use the same words / sentences in your opening paragraph because you are expected to restate the prompt using your own, original words that represent your understanding of the prompt statement. In addition to that, you did not respond to the prompt question and instead, created your own prompt requirement. This means that you will receive a failing score in the TA section of the essay. That usually means that you will not have the opportunity to get a passing score of 5 with this essay. The reason for this is clear:  
  
Question: Do you agree or disagree with this view? Give reasons for your answer.  
Response: In the following essay, we will discuss to clarify this issue together.  
  
Your thesis statement does not respond to the question. It is a clear indication of your inability to understand English instructions. This is also a single opinion essay that you discussed in a comparative format. When you are asked to pick one side of a discussion as a response, the next 2-3 body paragraphs / reasoning presentations can only focus on one side to support in the discussion. That is why there is the decision making word "OR" in the question. You can only respond to the question using one answer.  
  
You should not place your disagreement in the concluding paragraph. That is considered to be a personal opinion and, as I am sure you were taught or you have read about, the personal reason is always a stand alone paragraph that fully explains your line of reasoning and offers supporting evidence to help strengthen your discussion. The format is:  
  
1. Paraphrase  
2. Supporting paragraph 1  
3. Example paragraph  
4. Personal Opinion  
5. Conclusion  
  
Therefore, this essay was not discussed in the expected manner and as such, cannot be considered to be prompt adherent nor correct in discussion format. There is a strong possibility that this essay may not get a passing score in the actual test.
## Southland's export statistics

  
  
The chart proposes details of Southland's crucial exports in 2000, \*20.. and gives predictions for 2015.  
As can be seen from the chart, international tourism and dairy products witness a gradual rise over the given period. Another striking feature is that Southland's meat products are the only export that drops continuously among the three given below.  
  
More specifically, roughly 1 billion pounds of International tourism is increased from 2000 to \*20... Meat products started at 6 billion pounds, to \*20.., that of will drop slowly by half billion at 5.5 billion pounds. Moreover, the exports of dairy products reach a peak at 10 billion in \*20.. which is the same as Internation tourism in 2025.  
  
In the year 2025 marked the growth of International tourism which is expected to peak at 10 billion pounds. Despite the significant change of International tourism, Southland's export observes the drops in the valuation of Dairy products and Meat products respectively at approximately 9 billion and exactly 5 billion.