dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
This is a confusing story. Though it tries to be insightful in approach, the total lack of character background and clarity in the setting held back what would have been a pretty interesting piece of writing. In relation to self-discovery, self-awareness, general observation, and assessment of others, the paper tries to be an intellectual piece. The problem, is that there is not enough of a backstory to support the character development and growth throughout the writing.  
  
I thought you were actually discussing a human being, as he even had a name indicated in the writing. However, you suddenly identified the main character as an animal. A hare, whose friends were also animals. That totally changed the way the reader saw the characters, the attitude, and the characteristics of the characters portrayed in the writing. You confused the reader. You should have made it clear early on that the characters are not human, but animals who represent human characteristics. That would have made the use of the human name more acceptable and less confusing. You could have said that the hare was the human's animal/spirit guide or something. You just should have made that part clear in the presentation. That is why the writing feels incomplete and with a conclusion that did not seem to make any sense. It did not round up the story in a manner that gave it closure.
## crimes in the media

  
  
*Topic: Some people suggest that there should be restrictions on a detailed description of crimes in the newspapers and on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
In recent years, the question of whether or not officers should control the detailed description of crimes in the media has sparked a controversy. Although individuals have right to know what happened specifically, the details of offence should not be entirely public in the newspapers and on TV.  
  
Several reasons can be cited to explain why the information of crimes should be limited on the Internet. First, if polices made the details of crimes public, offenders and would-be ones could become more subtle in committing crimes. In fact, by gaining unlimited access to detailed description of previous crimes, they are able to apprehend process to work cases of polices and offend more perfectly, which creates difficulties for polices to solve down the road. Another reason is by revealing the details of offence, these articles can trigger victim's and their family's torment, which implies the information should be limited in the media as a way to protect them. This means that journalists and reporters will contact victims so as to exploit information, which makes them irritated and wretched when remembering again.  
  
The restrictions on a detailed description of crimes, particularly serious ones, on the Internet is reinforced by more supporting evidence below. Firstly, if whole information was revealed, this could shock many people, especially young children. For example, horrible sense of the blood and violent images will cause obsession to kids who are vulnerable in a long term, which implies this limitation is imperative. Secondly, in order to boost ratings, many newsrooms spare no expense in drawing public attention through currently hot crimes. This means that they can provide inaccurate information and exaggeration, which shows insensitivity and cause irritation among the masses.  
  
In conclusion, the description of crimes in the media should be strictly controlled. By considering the pros and cons of this suggestion, people can make best decisions for themselves.
Strong points:  
This is a well- structured essay and most of the content is valid and reasonable.  
  
Weak points:  
There are several mistakes that are notable to me.  
  
1. ' a controversy' refers to a particular argument but I guess you want to mention the controversy itself, so you should change it to a uncountable noun form.  
  
2. ' right ' --> right is a countable noun so you should make it countable --> add 'a' or 'the'  
3. 'polices' --> police is already in a plural form and always go with 'the' --> should make it ' the police'  
4. 'the details of offence should not be entirely public' --> ' should not be entirely made public'  
5. there is certain overlap between the second point of paragraph 2 and first point of paragraph 1 --> I guess there is a need to rewrite
You should always make sure to review the discussion question / instruction after you have drafted your response. That way, you will see if you have actually responded to the prompt or, if you misunderstood the prompt and responded to it in a manner that can be considered counter to the discussion instruction. In this case, you totally misunderstood the prompt question and in the process, failed to respond to the task question as provided. That means, the TA score for this essay will be scored based on how it does not respond to the discussion question. Take a look at this:  
  
DQ: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
YR: Although individuals have right to know ... the newspapers and on TV.  
  
As you can see, your response is not aligned with the expected format. This is an extent question that requires a measured dis/agreement response. Instead, you offered a personal opinion based on a discussion instruction that you made up. You failed to see that you did not properly respond to the discussion instruction, the most pivotal scoring point of the TA, because you did not double check your response prior to submitting the essay. Never assume that your first draft is final and that is responds accurately to the discussion instruction or prompt question. That is how almost all the students fail the test.  
  
Never use more than one topic sentence per paragraph unless required to do so. The second topic sentence is always what causes an under developed paragraph presentation. In this discussion, You are providing more reasons than justifications to your reasons. That is why the paragraphs come across are not fully explained and thus, lacking in clarity. Unless you can learn to use connecting sentences in the paragraph, simply using numerical ordinals for your reasons will not help create a cohesive and coherent essay.
## Electricity supplied to the New York (1980-2000)

  
  
**IELTS TASK 1**: : The graph below shows the amount of electricity produced from different energy sources to supply the city of New York between 1980 and 2000.  
The line graph illustrates the data of electricity which is generated from three kinds of fossil resources to supply New York from 1980 to 2000.  
Overall, it is clear that the amount of electricity produced by natural gas and petroleum witnessed an upward trend while this figure for coal slightly fluctuated over the same research period.  
  
In 1980, about 350 million kilowatt-hours are generated by petroleum, compared to only 100 million of coal. After fluctuating significantly in the next 10 years, this figure for petroleum surged considerably to more than 700 million, reaching the peak at the end of the period. Similarly, natural gas experienced a significant increase throughout the research period. It finished at approximately 500 million in 2000.  
  
In terms of coal, there are more than 200 million kilowatt-hours produced by this kind of energy source in 1980. It slightly rose to 300 million in the next 5 years. After that, this figure gradually dropped over the remainder of the time surveyed. Therefore, only less than 200 million kilowatt-hours are generated by coal in the year 2000.
@lehoang1294  
I believe there should be only one essay per post. Also for Task 1 you should upload the actual graph, there is a button for adding images.  
  
Task 1  
Check you tenses. You should not use the present simple as all the data comes from the past. *~~is~~ **was** generated from*  
  
*kilowatt-hours ~~are~~ **were** generated*  
  
You are overusing *over the period* variations: the same research period; at the end of the period; throughout the research period; the remainder of the time surveyed
## The blessing of a true friendship

  
  
Have you ever wondered how your life would be without a close friend? In all probabilities, we would suffer from many sorrows but could hardly share with our relatives. So, from my perspective, friends play a much more vital role in our lives than we have ever thought of.  
  
In the first place, it is obvious that we can't choose the family to have been born but can choose a friend to confide in, which allows us to share the same interests and feelings that we are unwilling to tell our parents. This is why we always need someone whom we could place complete trust on them, apart from the relatives of ours. Moreover, you may not notice that a true friendship could motivate our confidence to encounter obstacles and healthy competition while gradually being a grown-up. To illustrate, imagine yourself doing a presentation among the class, and, every time you feel nervous, your friend is there to support and eager to help you, which is no doubt pushing you out of your safe zone. Not to mention, deprivation from friends may cause difficulty in expressing ourselves and deficiency in social skills. Eventually, this could lead to mental problems or autism. Though, we can also face many troubles with a friend when it comes to controversy and conflict sometimes. But, what matters the friendship is mutual trust and respect to each other.  
  
On the whole, I would say that a friend can do good to both mental and physical conditions of our body. However, bear to mind that the key to maintaining an unbreakable friendship depends on yourself.
At the first impression, your essay is an argumentative one and it is trying to prove the thesis that we cannot live without a friend.  
  
In terms of structure, you seem to have got a proper one except for the fact that it is written in only one paragraph. As far as I know the body normally is split into two or three paragrahs because it gives an impression of well-suppored essays. You have already 3 points and personally, I think it would it better to break the body into 3 saperate paragraphs presenting these 3 key ideas.  
  
In terms of grammar, basically you can use very complex grammatical structures, which proves that you have a quite a good command of English grammatical knowledge. However, there are still few mistakes that are notable to me.  
  
we can't choose the family we are born into.  
"a true friendship " --> no article because friendship is uncountable noun.  
"This is why ... trust on ~~them~~" --> need to remove " them" at the end of the sentence.  
  
what matters in friendship is ... respect ~~to each other~~.  
As for lexical resources, you use a wide range of topical vocabulary items. But I think there should be a further consideration of word choice  
  
"Moreover, you may not notice that ..." --> Morover, friendly competition between friends can help a person to boost confidence while both parties are working to push one another toward a similar goal.  
  
"deprivation from friends" --> wrong use of deprivation --> lack of company  
  
All in all, this is still a good essay with a good use of grammar and vocabulary. I also learn from reading your essay.  
Regards,
I am not sure if you wrote this as a part of a Task 2 essay practice test or if you are just working on your English writing skills. I will be cautious and assume that you are just writing a practice test, mostly because you failed to include the discussion instructions for the topic and I do not wish to make any mistakes in advising you, should you not be writing a task 2 essay. I'll provide a general review instead.  
  
Your first paragraph is a good representation of the prompt restatement. Even though you posed a question at the start of the paragraph, which is frowned upon in an actual Task 2 test because that normally leads to prompt deviations, you managed to stay on topic and give the reader a clear idea of what the essay will be about and how you plan to discuss it. It is a good start to the essay development.  
  
Do not use English expressions if you are not familiar with the complete presentation. In the second paragraph, it is "we cannot choose the families we are born into" not, "we cannot choose the family to have been born". Other correction points:  
  
can put complete trust on - complete trust in  
the relatives of ours = our relatives  
  
You should be making better use of paragraphs in your presentation. It will help you present a clearer thought process to the reader and make the essay easier to read on the page. By the way, autism is a special needs case, you should not be including that in your essay. Autism is not caused by lack of friends. Be accurate with your data presentation and references. Do not jump to conclusions. If you are not sure of a reason you will be using, it will be best not to use it at all.
## stock prices of four enterprises

  
  
The line chart describes the significant discrepancy in stock price among 4 enterprises who are dominant in technological fields between 2011 and 2016.  
Overall, it can be clearly seen that none of those four technology companies shared the same tendencies in terms of stock price, with the greatest number in stock price belonging to Apple in 2012, while the lowest and also steadiest stock price belonging to Google, respectively.  
  
Apple's stock price reached its peak with a sharp jump from about 5,000 (even less than Yahoo and Facebook initial stock price) to approximately 35,000 in 2012 which is 7 times higher than just 1 year ago. Apple also witnessed a volatility over the span of the chart period, but surprisingly ended up with the same amount of stock price as same as the beginning.  
  
The most striking difference is that Yahoo and Facebook stood in the same level of stock price in 2011, then an inverse gradual change was witnessed over the period of time of the chart, with an about 2,5-time increase and an 2,5-time decrease in stock price, respectively.  
  
On the other hand, Google remained stable in 5-year period with the lowest level in stock price with a negligible amount comparing the other rivals.  
  
*
The summary overview is incomplete. You only mentioned 2 out of the 4 stock companies presented in the graph. Since this is the summary overview portion, you should be including a complete list of the companies in a creative manner or, in a listed manner using an Oxford comma within the presentation. You will be judged on the accuracy of your information and the overview carries a significant weight of that scoring consideration.  
  
Try to avoid using parenthesis in your information presentation. In this example, a comma would have made a better impact on the formality of your presentation:  
  
Apple's stock price reached its peak with a sharp jump from about 5,000 (even less than Yahoo and Facebook initial stock price) to approximately 35,000 in 2012  
  
Had you opted to use a comma, you would have had a more formal information presentation:  
  
... about 5,000, which is even less than...  
  
You should have opted to use the parenthesis when you indicated that the value was higher a year ago instead. Placing the numerical value in a parenthesis would have worked towards showing a better GRA range as you created a more informative sentence using more appropriate punctuation marks while maintaining the formality of the presentation. You should learn when to use a parenthesis and when not to use one. It all depends upon how you structure the sentence presentation.  
  
You also lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. You are opting to use run-on sentences rather than actual complex sentences, which means you will be getting a lower GRA score. The GRA score becomes higher if you can prove that you properly use a mix of simple and complex sentences in your presentation.  
  
If you opt to use more periods in your paragraph presentations, you will be able to present a clearer data report. You will also be able to meet the paragraph requirements in the C&C and GRA section as well. You could use more advanced English vocabulary in your report but the range of your vocabulary is good enough for your writing abilities and current presentation.
## celebrities finances are higher than politicians

  
  
**Topic : Nowadays celebrities earn more money than politicians. Is it a positive or negative development?**  
  
These days, famous star receive much more finances compare to the public servants. However I strongly believed that the improvement of attention among celebrities and politicians has disadvantages on the country growth.  
  
Firstly, the different from the income make a huge impact on people's job chosen. As the development of technology day by day, human mind can easily be attract by everything. They tend to follow the trend which is popular among the society. Therefore, due to the low rate of money, people want to be famous to get rich. For example,now, youtuber is a famous and glorious jobs, men and women from all ages racing to make a youtube channel. As a result, the amount of public servants is reducing gradually and chances people being unemployed are at the high rate.  
  
Furthermore, the minor rate of incomes can lead to many social issues. In particular, the politicians have high expect to afford things. This desire make public servants to receive bribery and corruption, which is banned in government. They use their power , their influence to achieved the things they can not publicly have. These lead to the decrease in trustful and loyalty between the citizens and the governor. After all, the country will have difficulty in improving it's aspect.  
  
In conclusion, I think the situation that celebrities finances are higher than politicians has many opposite influence to the people in particularly and to the country speaking generally.
@khaitrinh  
The introduction seems too short and not precisely focused on one issue - celebrities earning more than politicians.  
*However* (,) *I strongly believe*~~d~~ *that ...*  
The question was about money, not attention.  
  
The conclusion does not make much sense, you were focused too much on creating complex sentences.  
Typically recommended conclusions look like this:  
1. A general statement, here you can paraphrase the problem again.  
2. Answer the question from the prompt that you think it is a bad development that celebrities earn more than politicians.
Regardless of the error in your discussion format and presentation, the essay was never going to get a passing score anyway. The main reason that your essay will not achieve a passing score is because you failed to meet the minimum word discussion requirement for the essay. You should be writing anywhere between 250-290 words. You only wrote 239 words. The examiner will take one look at this and immediate deduct severely from the score due to the missing word count. Then, when you add the unrelated discussion format, which means you changed the discussion requirements for the essay, you will receive additional task deductions, which would leave you with a failing starting score. The rest of the scoring considerations cannot increase your score because you already failed the English comprehension part of the test. Your response is irrelevant to the discussion. Therefore, it cannot progress beyond the TA scoring section.
In my opinion, your introduction is really dubious. You just need to paraphrase the thread and off you go.  
I believe if you want to get a high score in IELTS task 2, first, you need at least 3-4 solid ideas to expand. That will help you get around 270-280 words per essay.  
  
Grammar also plays an important role in your essay. Check it carefully before submiting.  
In addition, you should apply some formal phrases, which are suitable to the context, to boost your grade. (make a huge impact on --> cast a significant impact on)
## Describing the changes in an American town

  
  
The maps illustrate the main changes that have taken place in an American town from 1948 to 2010. Overall, the most notable change that there is an increase in the accommodations and decreasing in residential home.  
  
In 1948 there was factories to the north east of the town, which then turned to an airport and commercial buildings. Next to this, a super market was built in what was previously a lake. The petrol station remains as it is since 1948. As well as the roads and canal.  
  
According to the maps, it is clear that commercials building dominate the area which was once a residential building and local supermarket in the north west of the town. While the church was removed to make way for a sport stadium in the south west of the canal, which is located in the middle of the town. Although, the residential houses remained the same over the 62-year period.  
  
* 
*
When you write the descriptive essay, you will need to remain specific about which image has what along with which image you are describing. You did that well in the second paragraph, you made it clear that you were discussing the image from 1948. However, you forgot to identify the second image in the next paragraph, which made the reader believe that you are still discussing the elements of 1948 map outline. You weren't. You were already discussing the 2010 changes and you should have made that clear to the reader.  
  
Your 1948 report as one point of data inaccuracy. You describe the canal as a lake. Those are 2 different bodies of water. A canal is man made and deals mostly with waste water. It is commonly found in towns. A lake, is nature made and is not usually found in urbanized towns. You also forgot to mention that there was a church in the 1948 map.In the 2010 map, you indicated that the houses did not change from the original. That is wrong, the house number changed because some of the homes gave way to commercial buildings.  
  
The main problem of your presentation is data accuracy. You did not really take the time to review the maps and compare the differences and similarities. You took too much for granted in your reporting, which will result in a lower score because your data does not cover all the key features and bullet points.
## Potatoes' supply and demand

  
  
Task: The tables below provide information about the consumption and production of potatoes in five parts of the world in 2006.  
  
The two tables reveal how much potatoes people from five different regions ate and the production rates of this crop by the same regions in 2006. The former number is measured in kilograms per person and the latter in million tonnes. Overall, the highest consumption of potatoes was recorded in Europe and the lowest in Africa. In terms of production, the leading position was held by Asia, while South and Central America contributed the least to the potato market.  
  
As the first table shows, a person from Europe, on average, ate around 96 kg of potatoes in 2006, followed by North Americans with slightly under 60 kg per person. Only a fraction of that, 14 kg per person, was consumed by Africans, whilst people in South and Central America and Asia showed similar eating preferences with around 25 kg for each region.  
  
According to the second table, Asia and Europe were the world's leading potato suppliers accounting for 131.2 and 126.3 million tonnes respectively. The production figures for the other three countries were significantly lower, standing at 15.6 million in South and Central America, just over 16 million in Africa and around 25 million tonnes in North America.  
  
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