dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@sandyhsu  
Hi there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. I'm going to try my best to assist you in this essay through providing an extensive feedback.  
  
First and foremost, try to evade the usage of words or lines that are unnecessary to adding depth to your sentences. Focus more on adding more structure and creating more dynamism in your writing - this will help you incorporate techniques that are focused on compressing all your thoughts into smaller chunks of text. Remember that when you're working within word counts, you are confined and should always prioritize the information that you want to showcase more.  
  
Having said that, observe this revision:  
  
There are ~~more~~ similar ... beings ~~which~~ that are easier to obtain ~~the~~ biochemistry ... However, ... use cell-based tests, creating human-like modules to access predictable patterns. ~~and establish ... the patterns.~~  
  
While in the beginning of the text, it was alright for you to articulate your opinion and stance, you should evade this pattern of writing on the latter portions - especially if you are attempting to establishing long-form information for your content.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## the statistic data about obesity in australia

  
  
The bar chart below illustrates the porpotion of overweight men and women in Australia from 1980 to 2010.  
Overall, it is clear that the percentage of males who were overweight was higher than the female's counterpart, while the figures for both sexes rose over the time period.  
  
In 1980, 40% of Australian men was overweight and this figure increased to 48% in 1990. Although the figure reached the peak of 64% in 2000, there was a slight decrease from 64% to just over 60% in 2010.  
  
In contrast, the porpotion of overweight Australian women was lower than that porpotion of Australian in 1980, started with 31% of the women population in 1980. However, there was a considerable rise in 1990, from 31% to 45%. After that there was a further increase to 52% in 2000, which was over half of the Australian women population, then finally the percentage remained stable in 2010.  
  
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@myronpage  
Hi there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.  
  
Firstly, I suggest articulating your sentences in a clearer and more concise manner. Try not to stretch your sentences when it's unnecessary and doesn't contribute to the overall substance or meaning that you're trying to relay. Doing this will help you be more cautious of the words that you're putting into your sentences. Remember that a simple straightforward approach can be as effective as complex structures, especially if you're working with data or chart interpretation.  
  
For instance, take a look at this revision:  
  
... overweight; ~~and~~ this figure ... Although ~~the figure~~ it reached the peak ...  
  
Trying to omit as many filler words as you can help will help you curate more interesting and put-together information.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## CAMBRIDGE IELTS 8 TEST1 TASK1

  
  
The pie chart describes the causes of land degradation in the world, and he table illustrates the causes of farmland becoming degraded by three different regions.  
  
The main three reasons affects farmland degradation. As much as 35% of degradation is caused by too much animal grazing, approximately 30% of global degradation is due to forest clearance, and over-cultivation of crops account for 28%.  
  
These causes leaded to different regions differently during 1990. Europe was more serious than North America and Oceania, with 23% total land degraded which was almost twice than Oceania (13%). In Europe, the main cause to farmland degradation was by by tree clearance with 9.8%, while the impact of this in Oceania and North America was minimal, with only1.7% and 0.2% respectively. However, over-gazing was the main reason that caused land-degradation in Oceania (which including Australia and New Zealand) account for 11.3%.  
  
Overall, it is clear that Europe suffered the most from land degradation than other regions since its land destroyed that leaded to less productive for agriculture.  
  
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@LUNA94  
Hello there.  
  
First and foremost, I highly recommend that you try to be more concise with your articulation. You stretched a few sentences too thin, prolonging the arguments more as you were unable to compress everything into smaller chunks of phrases. If you can focus more on relaying the information smoothly, it'll help you create more of a dynamic structure.  
  
Take a look and observe this revision:  
  
There are main three ~~reasons~~ factors affect~~s~~ing farmland degradation. ~~As much as~~ 35% of ... by ~~too much~~ excessive animal grazing, approximately 30% ~~of global degradation~~ is due to forest clearance~~,~~ and ...  
  
Notice how you can save up on space in your writing if you focus primarily on wordings that you need. For instance, there's no need for you to to repeatedly mention that the context of the figures are for degradation as you had vividly articulated this early on already.  
  
I suggest implementing the same technique or mindset on the latter parts of your essay.  
  
Best of luck.
@Martinez1011  
Hello there!  
  
Let me do my best to provide you with substantial feedback on your essay.  
  
Your writing has a lot of demonstrated depth, meaning you are able to articulate in detail the reasons as to why a specific argument should be recognized in the process. Regardless, you should also attempt to compose your messages in a way that you are articulating with more precision. Having a straightforward approach to writing will help you create a more dynamic and educational background, enabling you to have more hold over the entirety of the text. Recognize it when you are becoming repetitive already as this will help you trim down the excessive words.  
  
I have also noticed that you had a few grammatical/technical slip-ups throughout the entire process, making it quite difficult to discern some portions of the text. Notice the second to the last paragraph of your text. Some areas here were quite intrusive and inarticulate in relaying the message.  
  
Observe this revision:  
  
... with the audience ~~as well as ... them~~ through using relations. ~~They use t~~ The~~ir~~ article is to educate ~~other~~ healthcare professionals ~~in the ways that prove~~ that patient ...  
  
Having a more concise hold of the language helps tremendously.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## Why do we need to teach more about science?

  
  
**The government should invest more money in science education rather than other subjects to develop the country. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
Nowadays, there are a dramatic growth in investments of the education all over the world. While, it is believe that those money should focus more on science education, I think we may also share our resources to other subjects because of some reasons which relate directly to human-being.  
  
To begin with, it is true that science subjects have a great influence in a country's development. In technology, by having more scientists, we can invent more machines and solutions which will improve our workforce' productivity. Beside, the corporations might save a lot of money from purchasing the latest innovations from the other countries. Moreover, the development in science could lead to the improvement in healthcare system. As the results, the mortality rate and sickness absence rate which definitely effect to our economic might reduce dramatically.  
  
However, the development of a country is not built totally from science only. There are other subjects like sports and arts which could play an important role in our society. Firstly, sports influence to out physical health. By investing in sports, schools can construct more stadiums, Olympic-sized swimming pools and other facilities which may raise the movement in playing sports among the students. Secondly, arts which include paintings and musics can affect gradually to human's mental health. By spending money on art education, we can have a high-educated artists who can contribute to the development of the art in the country.  
  
In conclusion, in the economical society, science just account for 50% in total the others are human. Therefore, if we just stay focus on science education, our country can not fully and steadily develop as we expected.
Nowadays, there ~~are~~ is a dramatic growth in investments ~~of~~ in ~~the~~  education ... While ~~,~~  it is believed that  ~~those~~  money ... share our resources ~~to~~ with other subjects ...  
  
... influence  ~~in~~ on a country's development.  
~~Beside,~~ Besides, ~~the~~ corporations ... from  ~~the~~ other countries. ... could lead to  ~~the~~  an improvement ... ...which definitely ~~effect~~ ~~to~~ affect our ...  
  
... and ~~musics~~ music ( uncountable) can affect ... we can have ~~a~~ high-educated ... of ~~the~~ art in the country.  
  
..., in the ~~economical~~ economic society, science just accounts for 50% ...
## A Closer Look inside american meals

  
  
The charts compare the average proportion of three different nutrients (sodium, saturated fat, and added sugar) in typical meals in the USA.  
  
Overall, it can be clearly seen that dinner contains a higher proportion of sodium and saturated fat than other meals. However, fewer nutrients are added in snacks and breakfast.  
  
According to the charts, sodium takes up 43% and saturated fat accounts for just under 40% in dinner, which is the most significant fraction of all. By contrast, only 23% of added sugar are contained in dinners. Besides, lunch consists of exactly 29% of sodium and 26% of saturated fat, which takes the second part of the charts, while just under one-fifth of added sugar in lunch.  
  
In terms of breakfast and snacks, which are healthier meals than dinner and lunch, contain less unhealthy ingredients, the figure for saturated and added sugar of lunch are slightly higher than in breakfast, about 10% and 3% respectively. As for sodium, both breakfast and snacks contain 14% sodium in it.  
  
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to begin with, they want you to summarize the information in the pie chart. that is they want the relevant information.  
in my view what relevant is the composition of the useful '  
- notice how breakfast has the least of everything - sodium, sugar and saturated fats...what conclusions can you draw from this ? why is breakfast considered the most important meal of the day ?. would you conclude that breakfast is the healthiest ?  
  
- enter lunch, lunch has over 25% sodium and saturated fat but less that 20% added sugar. what conclusion can you draw from this observation ?  
  
- dinner has over 35% sodium and saturated fat and less than 30% added sugar  
  
-snacks have the most added sugar, minimal saturated fat and very little sodium.  
ponder over the lives of people who focus on just one meal. say just breakfast or lunch or dinner. are they healthy ?
## online shopping sales for retail sectors

  
  
These 2 pie charts compare 2 years in terms of how many retail sectors were sold online in Canada.  
General speaking, in both 2 years, together Electronics&Appilance and Food&Beverage represented more than a half of sales . The list of online sale for retail sectors weren't changed throughout the period.  
  
It's clearly that there was a noticeable development on the sales of the Food&Beverage by 10%( from 22% to 32%) to hit the peak. Whereas, Information Technology grew up extremely quickly, giving rise to the online sales of video game, it increased steadly by 5%, reaching nearly a quarter.  
  
By stark contrast, the number of people who bought Electronics&Appilance online decreased slightly from 35% to 30% between 2005 and 2010, a drop in 5 years, lost its top in last 5 years. Respectively, the customers of Home Funishings went down sharply, halve as many as the Food&Beverage's custuomers in the year 2010  
  
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'~~General speaking~~ In general, in both 2 years, together ... represented ~~more than a half of sales~~ '  
i do not think you are writing in a right way. You should say more than half of the total sales. But you should rewrite the whole sentence.  
  
'to hit the peak. ~~Whereas~~, Information  
whereas = on contrary. We just only use this word if the sentence have a reverse trend.  
I think Information technology <> Video games (their meanings are totally different, you can not paraphrase in that way)  
'~~Respectively~~, the customers of ' this word usually locates at the end of the sentence.  
'~~steadly~~' -> steadily you mean?  
this essay have a lot of grammatical errors which i can not list all here.
## computers are most important invention?

  
  
*Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
One of the remarkable inventions in human history is the computer. Throughout the years, computers have been implemented or upgraded tremendously since their first invention and have been widely used in everyday life throughout the world. Relating to the computer invention, not only many significant technological and technical innovations has been brought to our daily lives, but also computers help us to complete processes easily. Therefore, I completely agree with the statement.  
  
Computer's invention has been brought many significant changes for doing actions easily in every aspect of business, science and human life. Using computers allows people to complete tasks easily within few seconds and makes the way of doing things completely simple. For example , the calculation for large set of numbers can be easily completed by computers within in few seconds, in case, without computers it might take several hours or days to complete. This way, computer helps us completing actions easily and accurately which makes our daily lives more efficient.  
  
Moreover, based on computer's innovation, many technological and technical innovations have been developed and used widely in human's daily life. Technological innovations based on computer allow people to communicate and access to the information without considering the distance. For example, using world wide web and social media sites, people now can easily acquire information they need, explore the knowledge and exchange ideas with people around the globe. With the help of technical innovation based on computers, such as video camera and microphone, people now can communicate easily with people around the globe by seeing and talking like an face-to-face meeting.  
  
In conclusion, computers makes human's life more easy than it was before an centuries ago. Nowadays, computers has used in every sectors and every day's life. Therefore, I consider the invention of computers is one of the most significant inventions all the time.
Your essay is really well done to be honest!!! But some words are used too much like "easily", "complete", "technological innovations" and more :V !  
Like this part: *many technological and technical innovations have been developed and used widely in human's daily life. Technological innovations based on computer allow people to communicate and access to the information without considering the distance*. I think you dont have the word "Technological innovations" again. Instead, use "which" or other synonyms. For ex, "many tech.... daily life which allow ppl to communicate and...."  
  
So good luck and hope you will do better on the next essay :D!
@otgon  
Hello there!  
  
Welcome again to the forum. Let me try to help you in your essay.  
  
While I think that the general bulk of your essay is well-written, I highly suggest that you try to evade excessive descriptions that are unnecessary in establishing your thoughts all throughout. What I recommend is prioritizing your descriptions, ensuring that your placement of these words would also be accommodating and perfectly-fit for what is required to establish your thoughts.  
  
For instance, let's take a look at the first portions of your essay. Consider these revisions:  
  
... computers have ~~been implemented or~~ upgraded ... and ~~have been~~ are widely used in everyday life ~~throughout the world.~~ ... technological ~~and technical~~ innovations has ...  
  
Notice how the way that you have merged together your thoughts (ie. *"have ~~been implemented or~~ upgraded tremendously since their first invention"*) is quite indicative that you appeared more to be rambling than expounding a definition/clause. Avoid doing this if you can.  
  
Best of luck in your writing!
## Protecting our Environment - Protecting Ourselves

  
  
In this day and age, technology is growing, which leads to alarming, painful issues in society. Environmental pollution has been appealed to humans for having practical actions.  
  
There are many benefits to actions to outcome in our environment. Firstly, We have been dumping garbage in the right place, haven't been using plastic bags indiscriminately. Besides, students also participated in school-sponsored movement: cleaning the beaches, planting trees, recycling waste papers, cans,... Instead of traveling by cars, motorbikes,, they travel on foot, public transportation or by bike to reduce air and noise pollution.  
  
On the other hand, the majority of people weren't aware of the importance of the environment. The government hasn't been strict sanctions for those who violate it yet. Companies, urban exhaust waste untreated down rivers, lakes,.. pollute the water source.  
  
In conclusion, actions to affect the environment like a coin which has both positive and negative aspects. Each person needs to contribute, appeal to everyone for protecting our environment through positive actions. Defending the environment as well as protect our lives!
You have 'on the other hand' so i think you should have 'on the one hand' at the beginning of the 2nd paragraph.  
'~~haven't~~ been' as this is an essay, i suggest you not to write this way, it is only suitable in a talk.  
',..' i do not think we can use these dots in an essay.  
I will not comment about the content as i really do not understand the question.
## Booming Global Travel And Tourism

  
  
**Many developing countries are currently expanding their tourist industries. Why is this the case? Is it a positive or negative development?**  
  
The recent years witness an increase of the number of the third countries enlarging the tourism industries. It is happened because of some inevitable purposes and brung a ton of benefits toward those territories.  
  
To begin with, there are some reasons for this phenomena. First of all, developing tourism industries is one of the easest way to improve promptly and directly their countries' economics. As this business does not require the high-level skills workers, therefore, it does not take much time to do the training, as the result, we might start to run the property when all the facilities are done. Secondly, most of those countries already have had the suitable resources for growing tourism. For instance, in Vietnam, there are several untouched coasts with white sand beaches and blue sea as long as the presence of many historical sights which have lasted along with its long history.  
  
Tourism will definitely carry a number of advantages if we know how to do the planning. The development of toursim will enhance the other industries in the local area which can range from construction (with building the hotels) to manufacture (with making souvenir or furniture and food). In addition, It will decline the unemployment rate as providing many vacancies to the tourism sights. When finished of constructing, each hotel needs at least hundreds employees to function and maybe more during high-seasons.  
  
In conclusion, tourist industries seems like a shortcut to the third-world countries to develop and improve the qualities of the habitants. It brings a lot of benefits when the authorities know how to control its impacts on cutures.
The recent years has witnessed an increase ~~of~~ in the number ... tourism ~~industries~~. It is ~~happened~~ happening because ... ~~purposes~~reasons and ~~brung~~brings a ton of ...  
  
Can be rewritten as  
There has been a drastic growth in tourism in developing nations for several reasons and this growth has many beneficial effects on the host countries.  
  
~~First of all~~ Firstly, ... the easest easiest way ...  
  
Your essay lack proper structure. In BP1 where you mentioned that this business doesn't require any skilled worker is somewhat wrong.  
This field does require bi-lingual or multilingual staff.  
  
"we might start to run the property when all the facilities are done."  
What property are you talking about...what facilities are done?  
  
"For instance, in Vietnam, there are several untouched ..." Not a relevant example.
@vietcti  
Hello.  
  
Welcome to the forum! Let me provide you with a formal substantial feedback on your essay.  
  
First and foremost, there were instances wherein you were wasting the space you had in your essay through articulating your thoughts in a broader and baffling manner. Focus more on having specifics in your writing, ensuring that you are able to retell the story in a more concise manner. Doing this will leave you more room to expound and prioritize your sentiments.  
  
That being said, I find that the technical aspect of your writing is sufficient in relaying the information that you wish to incorporate into your text. I would only recommend that you try to trim down the length of some of your sentences. It would help to mix together the dynamism of your lengths, creating more creativity and innovative ideas for your essay.  
  
Be cautious of the structure of your essay. Having these small mistakes can negatively impact the overall flow, considering that you would need to balance it out with depth.  
  
Best of luck as always!
## how much people spent for different products

  
  
Topic: **The table gives information about consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002**  
  
The table provides data about the proportion of consumer expenditure on different categories in five countries in the year 2002. Overall, it is evident that people from these countries spent the highest proportion of their budget on food, drink and tobacco. In contrast, leisure/education was the category that had the lowest figure in terms of consumer spending.  
  
As can be seen from the table, around 32% of consumers' in Turkey spending went on food/Drinks/Tobacco, which was the highest among five countries in 2002. This number was slightly higher than the figure for Ireland with the proportion of nearly 29%. Additionally, people from Sweden spending on this category constituted about 16%, which was only about half the figure for Turkey. However, in terms of clothing/footwear, Italian consumers spent 9% of their total expenditure on this category, which was much higher than that of people from other countries. Their proportion spent on this was roughly similar, only ranging from 5.5% to 7%.  
  
Looking at this table in more detail, Turkish consumers' spending on leisure/education made up around 4.5%, which was significantly higher than the figure of others from Sweden and Italy, at 3.22% and 3.20 %, respectively. People from Spain, however, spent the lowest percentage on this category, at just under 2%.  
  
Hope you can give me some feedbacks !  
Thank you very much!  
  
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