dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Rouggal, you can't just agree with an opinion in the essay when you are clearly being asked to present your own opinion and defend it alongside the two points of view that you have to discuss. So, you should have 3 paragraphs in this essay body that should represent 3 things: the pro, the con, and your opinion. You represent 2 out of 3 at this point. That explains why your paragraphs are short by one. You did not properly represent and discuss your opinion in support of one of the two sides you are expected to present within the discussion. It seems that you decided to present your opinion as the conclusion to the essay. You cannot do that. You are not allowed to present a new discussion within the conclusion as a closing statement. That is because the recap of the essay discussion is expected to be placed in the concluding paragraph. Needless to say, your essay has plenty of room for improvement in terms of task accuracy, coherence and cohesion, as well as the lexical resource and grammar accuracy. In fairness to you, I won't score your essay using the criteria previously mentioned so that you will have a chance to revise your essay to better be prompt adherent.
Hi,below through my advice for you.  
1. The reason behind that is some studies showed that a kid has a phenomenal memoir abilities, and they can learn quickly compared to an adult.(supporting sentence). For example (put comma) adults can still remember ... So learning a modern language at primary school is mandatory ( example) --> **In the first sentence, you represent that children has more abilities rather than adult while the example you give adult to represent your idea. I think not make sense with your supporting sentence.**  
  
3.Some parents ~~believes~~ believe  
4. You not answer the question properly and you should compare between 2 sides. Unfortunately, you only explain about Some people think that children should start learning a foreigner language at primary school and not explore about others think children in the secondary school. only a little information you explain about secondary school.
Hello, this is my suggestion and correction for you  
  
1. you must recheck your sentence formation. you able to write some simple sentence, but you must write in the right formation because I am confuse with your long sentence with some conjunction.  
  
for the example :  
  
Nowadays, The ability to speak.......is the best period to start.(you can write into 2 until 3 variation sentence. don't wrtite in long sentence which will make confuse the readers)  
  
2. Some parents ~~believes~~believe the earlier (remember subject-verb agreement)  
  
3. other people ~~think~~regard(you can write "regard" which have same meaning with "think")  
  
thank you
**Teach every child about food**  
  
Jamie Oliver has started a social project, called food revolution. It has a predominant purpose to help obesity sufferers getting special treatment as well as prevent it from being epidemic in the USA. Based on his observation, he revealed that most of the children did not recognize kinds of vegetables and they are more familiar with junk food. Furthermore, he stated at least 3 parties who have importance role to overcome such trouble, namely: home, school, and government. Firstly, parents must introduce children to fresh food and prevent them from consuming junk food regularly. Secondly, the school was required to provide organic meals which aim to mitigate the probability of obesity. Finally, the authority shall take a tough decision in minimizing children's junk food consumption.  
  
Source: ted
Hello faiz,  
Here my advice for you, hope it can help you and feel free to correction me too.  
  
**First, when you summarize from article or video particularly in TED, please using less common vocabulary which diverse with original one. you must paraprase with new word, you can search in Oxford thesaurus, but you must alter with proper vocab, and must connect with previous word.**  
  
Second, do you know idioms? if you know, USING IT! it can help you to make your summarize better.
Q: **Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear.**  
  
Recently, fashion development has become popular in the society. It indicates that fashion is one of essential aspects on people characteristic. Several inhabitants argue that what people are like can be seen from the clothes which they wear. In the other word, contrary, others say that people cannot be indicated by their appearance. In my point of view, both arguments are true and reasonable for some extents.  
  
The majority of people give opinion that they can express their personality from clothes. It is mainly because they want to show that they are extra ordinary people. For example, mangers of big company always wear tidy and luxurious clothes because it is to show that they are wealthy man with good occupation. Then, other case is artists always wear latest clothes to display that they are stylish people and they are popular people. As a result, this model is become common assessment in the society that clothes can indicate who the people are.  
  
On the other hand, several groups of people give opinion that clothes are not depicted the people are like, because in the cutting-edge era people tend easy going including in the clothes style. Usually, they wear casual clothes which are appropriate in every moment. For instance, in Indonesia, locals tend to wear traditional clothes such Batik because it suits every summits either formal and informal situation there. Other reason is many people do not want show their expression in clothes. For illustrates is businessman even though they wealthy man they always wear ordinary clothes. As an impact, according to the above arguments common people tend to assess others without see what the clothes they wear.  
  
In conclusion, based on the above views, people have two sides in this case. However, I would argue that both views are acceptable through explanations I gave.
Hi,there are several mistakes in your summary.  
  
1.It indicates that fashion is one of essential aspects on people characteristic-->please give more explanation about this sentence, what the relation between fashion and people characteristics? it looks like still a missing link you not including in that sentence.  
  
2. ~~In the other word,~~On the contrary , others say that ...---**> if you want to make contrasting points, you can only write such as however, although, nevertheless without**in the other word.  
  
3.For example, ~~mangers~~ ( managers, miss spelling) of big company always ...  
... artists always wear the(superlative should be follow by article) latest clothes to display that they are stylish people and they are popular people . ( repetition, try to change with proper pronouns)  
  
4.For instance, in Indonesia, locals**( what local? i think you should write more clearly local citizens or local inhabitants, because in Cambridge, the meaning of local is "from, existing in, serving or responsible for small area)** tend to wear traditional clothes such Batik **( What is Batik? for the readers which do not know about Batik, they will confuse what Batik and how Batik looks like, try to give short description about Batik)**  
  
Keep writing!
**Q: some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear.**  
  
The majority of people regard that an essential factor to indicate what people like is by considering their preferred clothes. However, others argue that people cannot be assessed by their look while in my personal opinion, I believe that there is another measurement which is more effective to assess their interest. Meanwhile, This essay will discuss both views about such trend.  
  
On the one hand, people will try to wear the clothes related with their preference and they are proud of it. They want to create public perspective about themselves while using a particular brand. Once people interact with the surrounding neighborhood, they attain an array of information pertained to their temperament. For example, people who use branded clothes will be judged possessing luxurious lifestyle. In my opinion, although it is an effective way to gain a particular data, there is another factor which should be taken into the consideration.  
  
On the another hand, usually, people know what their friend like from their behaviors while it is the best indicator. People should carry out a regular observation to find out what a community want after that they end up with an outcome. Behavior's analysis will help people to find out data because it truly reflects what people love. Meanwhile, when people pay attention to people's clothes, it seems tricky to have accurate and trusted information due to the unknown condition. For example, a company requires all workers to wear smart dress code to work. As a result, people cannot assume that they are well-educated and have organized behavior.  
  
In conclusion, while some argue that the appearance cannot reflect people's character, in my opinion, the behavior of people gives more accurate data about what people like because it gauges their personality more accurately.
Hello, I have some suggestions for you  
  
I think you must write the title clearly about the "another measurement" in the introduction, because you mention in third paragraph the "behavior", so I suggest that you must write "there is another measurement, such behavior which is more effective to assess their interest" to introduce the detail which will you explain in your essay  
  
2. you can use idioms and expression about fashion if you need for image your answer  
  
3. you can write your opinion about the your main idea in third paragraph like in second paragraph you write your view  
  
thank you
here is the link to the charts : ieltsliz/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/IELTS-Writing-Task-1-December-2016.pdf  
  
I hope that i will get some advice and tips on how i should to deal with those kind of charts!! I Would be very grateful to read a model answer from a professional. Thank you for your time.  
  
The charts compares the education level divided into three categories (school certificate, in Glasgow, by age range and then by gender in the year 2010.  
Overall, the majority of young people and adults in Glasgow are educated; while a significant number of old people are not. Also we can see from the pie chart that women and men obtained at the same rate school certificate and just a slight difference in the percentage of no Qualification holders and University degree graduates among men and women.  
  
In terms of number, 71 per cent of students that graduated at Scottish universities were between 16 to 24 or between 35 to 50, but the higher rate of university degree holders was among students aged from 24 to 35. We can see also that 72 per cent of old people (more than 75 years old) were illiterate.  
  
We have to note that 33 per cent of men and women in Glasgow, in 2010 got a school certificate, whereas 38 and 35 per cents of women and men respectively had no qualification at the same year.
An advanced level of introduction paragraph is usually in the form of passive voice sentence and not in active one. Try to switch your introductory sentence into a passive one. Also, concerning tenses usage, I reckon that your essay is rather inconsistent. You should use past form when the year indicates a past event and showed by a past year. Present tense is also used but only for the very first sentence in the introduction before the overview sentence. Additionally, do NOT mention "we can see / we have to note" more than once. It should only be used for overview sentence and not for each paragraph. There are many alternatives rather than those phrases such as, 'to begin with'/'initially'/'with regards to'/many more cohesive devices that might be accurate.  
  
For some model answers of task 1, you can take a look at my threads by clicking on my username.
hi bro  
these are my corrections  
  
The charts compares the education level divided into ...  
THIS SENTENCE CONTAINS FEW MISTAKES  
1. PAY ATTENTION TO THE S+V AGREEMENT >>>> CHARTS COMPARES >> CHARTS COMPARE ( S PLURAL NEED PLURAL)  
2. PASSIVE VOICE S+ TO BE+ V3 >>> LEVEL DIVIDED INTO >>> LEVEL IS DIVIDED  
  
Overall, the majority of young people and adults ...  
1. adults in Glasgow are educated >> it is passive voice >>>>adults in Glasgow educated  
2. significant number of old people are not >>>> significant number of old people are opposite  
  
Abdik i regard that your essay is inaccurate, it will better if you see more examples of writing task one to enhance your writing ability. In this part i cannot give correction until end of your essay because I reckon that you should deal with several mistakes which I mark above.  
  
BREAK A LEG BRO.
Here, Abdik  
Here, my corrections toward your writing  
  
1. Abdik, You have to use past time consistently in this essay, it is indicated by past years and the data. Even you have a great summary, you use wrong grammar, you will get a low band. Therefore, please write with proper grammar otherwise, you cannot improve your writing skills as well as score.  
  
2. Furthermore, when it comes to overview, please provide the most interesting fact which cover all data in the chart. no rule to not write it long however, you should ensure that it is effective since you have to provide space for your first and second. body.  
  
3. Please write your sentence with various sentence formation such as verbal and nominal. It helps you to ensure the reader enjoy your writing.  
  
Good Luck
**......Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?**  
  
Today, music has a lot of share in people's life. Some people though are limited just to listening of music but there are some other people too who take music it seriously and go for it as a profession and become musician. Music has been in our life from the time when we were born. Music comes under the field of Arts and Literature and has been considered very important. The musicians have always been given a important place everywhere whether from an Ancient period or Modern.  
  
Music is also now been . There are certain beats which are even now getting used daily for various purposes like stress relief, headache or even for the sleeping disorders, making it important in not in only the entertainment purposes but for the problems, which are caused in the human body because of the brain's disorders and functioning, so there is a need for the music too. Without the skill and understanding of Arts and Literature, a human is considered as a Robot or an Animal. It has been said there is a need of understanding of music to a human so for its own good and also for shaping one's character.  
  
Most of the countries have their own music background, in which some are actually very good, not only for the entertainment purposes but also for their relation with science. The classical music for India for example is very much appreciated, they have their own choice of instruments for their particular Ragas, Dhrupad and much more. The music is not a kind which makes you wanting to dance or something but it gives you a feeling of peace and calmness. Of course it can't help you with your workout sessions but for mental peace it is very much appreciated and listened by those who know it. This is the traditional music of India which even because of a high impact of western and international music has a strong place, and it is important for every country to not to neglect their own music, by all the parts of the world and the countries they have originated their music just like culture and they are all important and unique in their own ways. Although the international music should be listened and praised as well but the traditional has even more importance, it has the culture and the history hidden in its various branches and layers.  
  
*This was my first attempt in writing, please make corrections and do tell me the things I need to include*
hello here is my notes:  
  
to listen~~ing~~ of music  
  
but there are some other people ~~too~~ who take music ~~it~~ seriously !! i really didn't understand what do you want to say here.  
  
well, you have a lot of grammatical mistakes and i think you have to go back to some basic english rules and what is the correct structure of an english sentence.  
  
anyway keep working and i am sure you will improve
**Despite health warnings, a large number of people continue to smoke all over the world.  
  
Why should we be concerned about this?  
What solutions would you suggest?  
Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Nowadays, more and more researches reveal that smoking is harmful to health. However, there are still some people doing so. The fact is, with the rising of people concerning about their own health, seeking to alternatives solutions is inevitable.  
  
To be honest, smoking is not as serious as drugging or drinking, but it is still a bad model to the children. For somehow, in many commercials and movies, the media intend to make a stereotype of smoking as a symbol of mature adults. This phenomenon leads the children to imitate. Secondly, the worst part of smoking is the second-hand smoke. People don't smoke are influenced by the detriment air. It is unfair that second-hand smoke causes as damaging as smoke, and it results in coughing, allergy and cancer.  
  
I think there are two ways to solve the smoking problems. First of all, the government should raise the tax of cigarettes, which can curb people's desire to purchase it. In this case, once the demand of cigarettes falls, the number of smoking people will drop down as well. Next, to prevent to the second-hand smoke, the authority should legislate that people can't smoke in the public, or they have to pay a huge penalty. For example, in Taiwan, there are many smoking booths in public area, and there facilities can protect both of the people's health and the smoker's right.  
  
To sum up, in spite of the obvious truth that smoking cases disease, many people are still stubborn. However, there are several corresponding solutions as long as people are willing to obey the rules. Then, we can reduce the damaging level of smoking to the lowest.
Arlen, a little more work on the paraphrasing for the opening statement would have helped make your task accuracy score higher than the current 4 that is falls under. There are a number of key points in the original prompt that you should have included in the paraphrased prompt. Elements such as the fact that you will be discussing some solutions to the problem in the succeeding paragraphs should have been included in that overview in order to properly introduce the essay and the topics for discussion to the reader.  
  
Your cohesiveness and coherence would only bring a score of 4 as well. It almost sounds like you are just discussing the topics as it comes to mind due to a problem with your use of cohesive devices.  
  
The Lexical usage could not go beyond a 3 because you have shown a lack of English language familiarity in terms of your word choice. This has caused a limitation in your word development and has also proven to be a bit of a problem for the reader who is trying to understand what you are actually trying to say.  
  
For the grammatical range and accuracy, expect to get another 4 because of the lack of complex sentences and some marked faulty sentence punctuation within the essay.  
  
You have shown that you have the potential to become a good English writer because you do your best to apply your skills to the development of the essay. I have a feeling that you will be showing us marked improvements with your upcoming essays. I see the potential in you because you have a sense of logical thinking in English that can be polished over time with practice.
@Holt  
Thanks a lot of your comments toward my several essays, I really appreciated.  
I noticed that you mentioned many times that I have to improve my cohesiveness and coherence, which always get low score in your marked. Could you possible to give more tips about it?  
  
Also, in this essay, I had tried to use different vocabularies than I did... But it seems not enough at all which make me feel quite upset.  
  
Anyway, Hope you can advise, thanks!
Hello, this is my correction for you  
  
more and more ~~researches~~researchers reveal that smoking  
  
seeking to ~~alternatives~~ alternative solutions ~~is~~are inevitable(remember that to-infinitive is after to must be v1 and the subject in this sentence is solution as plural noun)  
  
the tax ~~of~~on cigarettes  
  
and ~~there~~these facilities can protect ...  
  
thank you
Arlen cohesiveness and cohesion are terms that are used to describe how effectively you present the information that you have on paper. This means that you are able to present your ideas in a manner that a reader can understand and follow because you were able to create a foundation for the proper understanding of your information presentation. Basically coherence is defined as a systematic or logical connection or consistency in a sentence. While cohesiveness refers to the way that you integrate or merge the various information that you have in different paragraphs into a single meaning or thought withing the essay. Here is an example of a cohesive and coherent paragraph that I developed to help you understand what I am explaining:  
  
*John wanted to get the apples on the highest branch of the tree. He knew that he needed a ladder in order to climb that high and get the fruits. John was told by his father sometime ago that the ladder was in the barn. So he went to the barn to get the ladder. After getting the ladder, he leaned the ladder on the strongest part of the tree that led to the highest point. He then climbed the ladder and reached the highest point. He began picking the apples from the highest point in the tree.*  
  
This is an example of a cohesive and coherent paragraph. You state the topic, explain the reason, how it can be accomplished, and finally, the accomplishment. You need to be able to present your thoughts in a logical manner to the reader. It has to follow a thought process that leads to not only an understanding, but a satisfying conclusion as well.  
  
So what can you do to improve your writing in this aspect? Since you are still doing practice tests, it is important that when you are practicing at home, that you learn how to first outline your discussion and then learn to present the outline in essay form. The cohesiveness comes from the logical or step by step presentation of your facts. The coherence, comes from how the information comes together in an understandable manner to the reader once the paragraph or essay is finished.  
  
Please feel free to ask additional questions if you have any. I'll try to respond as soon as I can.