dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
You have to remember that you have to follow a certain format for writing the Task 1 essay:  
- Write between 175-190 words  
- Use 3 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences only. Make sure to use a mix of simple and complex sentences with varying forms of punctuation marks,  
- Look for overlapping points of comparison in the given image for a complete analysis presentation.  
  
Your essay has 212 words. Since you will not be typing at the test center, you will not have the ability to write that many words in 20 minutes. Not when you need to analyze the image before you can write the content for your report. The way I see it, you could have easily met the 3 paragraph requirement for this essay had you separated your presentations this way:  
  
Par. 1: The line graph illustrates ...  
Par. 2: Between 1920 and 1935,...  
Par. 3: In comparison with America...  
  
A well grouped discussion presentation helps with the clarity of your data. It also adds to the format adherence of your presentation. This is a good analysis. It is not too mechanical in presentation, but could have used more reference to the overlapping points at least once in the data representation. Next time, focus on meeting the time requirement. Use a pen and pencil to write the essay. Do not type the essay into this box. You need to get used to writing the essay on a pad or practice booklet. It's all about the actual test preparation and learning to work within the given time allowance.
Truth be told, the paper doesn't make much sense. The introduction doesn't really outline what the discussion will be about, how it will be handled, and what the clear point of the research paper is all about. It would be better if you take your current last paragraph and place it at the very top of the paper. Adjust the content to read more like the thesis statement because right now, it contains important references to a clear hypothesis presentation instead of a concluding summary of your research paper. The focus of the paper must be on the two songs that are the focal points of the discussion. Your current opening statement will work better as a research paper kick-off than as an introduction to the topic.  
  
You also need to hire a professional editor to help clean up the grammar in this essay. Your English vocabulary is problematic in several places, requiring both an editing of the content and and adjustment to the overall paragraph presentation. The clarity of your discussion presentation is affected by the improper sentence presentation in several places. Only a professional editor can help you with those problematic aspects. You may want to consider using the writing center services at your university for that part of your research paper writing.
## protecting wild animals and birds

  
  
Perhaps no subject in the contemporary society is as controversial as the matter of existence of wild animals and birds. It is commonly believed that human are paying too much attention and allocating too many resources to this issue. As fas as I concern, I side with this statement.  
  
To begin with, it is obviously that animals play a vital role in biology so that thera are a wide range of approaches to attract publicy. First of all, many non-rnvironmental organizations are established to preserve natural habitats and promote sustainable development, such as WWf. More to the point, with the rapid growth of technology, news about wild animals and birds are quickly shared on the Internet. In simple terms, the reports which is relevant to the environment's damage or a species with extinction are updated daily. In conclusion, preserving wild animals and birds is of concern to people because the lack of any species is at the expense to the loss of the balance which harms human's life.  
  
In addition,government invest too much money costly on facilities and safety for animals that in danger. National budget should be allocated to more urgent issues rather than expended on the conservation of animals, which is from nature, and birds. For example, national resources, such as budger, land, etc. should be invested to medical research to find out remedies. Consequently, existence of wild animals and birds is vital though, people should channel resources to society's compelling matter, instead of animals' issues too many.  
  
In conclusion, protecting wild animals and birds is attracting people's attention and resources exaggeratedly. It is wiser to reduce them to pay attention to the other urgent issues.
There are actually 2 different prompts that could apply to this essay topic. Which is why I am not sure as to how to review your work. It always helps me to create a more targeted review when the student includes the original prompt with the response essay. At least I know what the actual instructions are. I cannot hazard a guess about which of the 2 discussion types to use for your work as it may result in my giving you inappropriate or non-applicable advice. Therefore, I am forced to only give you only general comments in relation to the GRA section of your writing.  
  
When writing an academic essay, it is better to avoid using words that indicate a lack of conciseness in your presentation. As an opinion paper, your statements must have a sound of strong support when you write it. So avoid using terms such as "Perhaps no..." Instead, simply say "No subject in...". Remember that when you use a singular description such as "human", the subject - verb agreement should be in the singular so use "is" instead of "are". Be careful with your spelling, you have several spelling errors that you did not correct in the essay:  
  
fas = far  
thera= there  
publicy = the public ( you are also missing a connecting word)  
WWf = WWF (Acronym error)  
budger = budget  
  
along with several other spelling errors. There are simply too many spelling and sentence formation errors in your essay for me to point out here. These LR and GRA errors alone will be enough to pull down your final score to below the 5 consideration. Please, learn to be careful with your writing. Review, edit, revise, repeat, until you are confident you have a smooth essay presentation already. Do this within 40 minutes.
## Number of species on the verge of extinction

  
  
It is a fact that many animal creatures now are on the verge of extinction due to human beings on land and in the ocean. This alarming issue is caused by some following main reasons and societies can take possible measures to tackle it.  
  
There are two main causes that lead to animal dying out. The main reason for the extinction of animal on land is habitat loss. To meet people's needs, many human encroach on forest to make more milpa, which cause habitat destruction, run out of food, loss of shelter,... and mass species deaths. Another reason causing the threat of extinction in the sea is exploitation . Due to profit and demand, many people do the worst actions like overfishing, overexploitation of corals, fuel, which make all of resources exhausted and marine animal threatened with extinction. They lead to loss biodiversity and many other consequences.  
  
To reserve animal species as well as biodiverdity, there are some solution that must be taken. First, we should plant and protect the forest. Through that, we can conserve the animal's habitat, shelter and source of food, so better condition can be created for wild animal to reproduce and develop, which will reserve endangered or exotic animal in particular and species on land in general. Second, the government should ban severe purnishment to mitigate the overexploitation. That means the government should ban some law to deter using bomb, small fisheye net, or taking advantages of all resources and coral. The last measure that i mention is stricter regulations. Some regulation should be come into force and they can serve as strong deterrent against illegal hunting and trading. They can put an end to poach, keep animal in captivity, slaughter,... and protect a large number of species.  
  
Therefore, human beings are the main factor that cause the extiction of many kind of animal, lead to biodiversity loss so from now, we must prepare knowledge for ourselve about the importance of animal and contribute to conserve them.
You are not paying attention the timer. Since you are going to be handwriting this essay into the test booklet, you will be slow in filling in the words. It will not be the same as you typing into a keyboard. A handwritten essay cannot number 332 words with only 40 minutes for the writing section in task 2 provided. The most you should aim to write is 275-290 words. At this rate, you will not be able to complete the writing of the essay on time. Next time, set the timer. You need to be able to judge how fast and completely you can write within 40 minutes. Typing your essay will not be the same thing. Use the actual test center scenario for your practice tests so that you will have a good idea of what you can accomplish, within how many minutes, at the test center.  
  
Now, this discussion essay is unique from the other opinion essays because it actually asks you to outline your discussion in the prompt paraphrase. The outline of your response will help you keep track of how you should frame your 2 discussion / reasoning paragraphs. So a more appropriate restatement would have been:  
  
*Our varying participation in terrain and ocean exercises have resulted in the annihilation of certain wild animals. Two of the reasons that this happens include habitat loss and environmental exploitation. In order to curb this trend, the government must enact habitat protection laws and the prevention of over-hunting and over fishing of land and sea creatures.*  
  
By first outlining your discussion topic in your prompt paraphrase, examiner will see that you have clearly outlined the connected paragraph topic discussion. As such, it will also be easier for you to discuss the reasons and solutions within a clear and coherent presentation. Since this is not an opinion essay, you are expected to respond directly to the discussion question/s in the restatement, with the expanded explanation located within the 2 discussion paragraphs.  
  
Your current responses in the body of paragraphs are good. However, you failed to compress the discussion into a short but clear explanation. You should be able to explain the 2 connected discussion topics within 5 sentences that represent:  
  
- The topic for discussion  
- An explanation  
- An example  
- A second topic related to the first topic  
- An explanation  
- A quick explanation that will transition into the next paragraph discussion topic  
  
By accomplishing the above format, you will be able to create coherent discussion paragraphs that clearly connect with one another and directly responds to the prompt.  
  
I would like to call your attention to your closing paragraph. You failed to do a discussion summary that signifies the end of the discussion. It should contain:  
  
- The discussion topic  
- The 2 reasons  
- The 2 solutions  
- A call to action to close the discussion  
  
If you can adjust your writing style using my suggestions, you should begin to show improvement in your written presentation by your next essay exercise. I look forward to seeing the suggested changes applied in your next essay.
**Task 2**:Many high street shops have gone out of business in recent years.  
Why do you think this has happened? Is it a positive or negative development?  
  
**## DISAPPEARANCE OF HIGH STREET SHOPS**  
  
It is true that the number of traditional shops on the streets has decreased significantly in recent years. This essay would initially attempt to pinpoint the causes of this phenomenon and subsequently show my belief that this is a negative trend in the long run.  
  
In my opinion, the disappearance of these traditional shops could be primarily attributed to the advent of online shopping services. Compared to brick-and-mortar shops, online shopping platforms are faster, cheaper and more convenient in different ways. People can sit at home, search for the best deal, pay, and receive a delivery the next day without having to go to many shops to find needed items. As for me, I would probably prefer to purchase books on Amazon, which is e-commerce websites, due to its convenience and economization. Hence, a large number of shops succumb to internet purchasing and shopping and ultimately vanish.  
  
As far as I am concerned, the scarcity of traditional shops followed by the prevalence of online purchasing would bring about negative effects in the long run. From an environmental perspective, the transporting process to the online customer would produce a substantial amount of emissions, making a contribution to severe air pollution. Furthermore, to some extent, I believe this tendency would result in loss of cultural diversity as a number of communities would slowly fade away. For instance, future generations in Vietnam would not have a chance to observe lively and colorful traditional shops.  
  
In conclusion, online shopping is the primary reason for the significant disappearance of brick-and-mortar shops. In light of aforementioned evidence, I am behind the idea that this could have serious repercussions on the environment as well as national cultural diversity.  
  
P/S: I have a question :< . My friends told me that in an IELTS essay, we should avoid using words like " I" ," my " . However, I think these words are necessary in tasks which require our personal opinion. Could you guys please tell me whether or not we should use these words please ? Thanks
@taeyonieee  
I think that your essay is fairly good as you developed your idea fully and demontrated them with examples. Your introduction can be improved by giving some more details on what the reasons are and why do you think it is negative.  
  
Regarding your question. I think the aim of avoiding first person is to make your essay sound more objective so it is better to avoid those words when giving examples or explaination but it is ok to use them to express your viewpoints. This is a personal ides thought. I also want to hear from other members on this matter.
It works this way. If you face a prompt that asks any o the following:  
  
- Do you agree or disagree?  
- To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
- What is your opinion?  
- Give your point of view based on personal experience or knowledge  
  
Then you must use the first person pronoun to indicate your personal opinion. However, if the discussion is:  
  
- Discuss both points of view  
  
Then you must use the second or third person point of view. Now, when you get combination instructions:  
  
- Discuss both points of view AND give your own opinion  
  
Then start with "both points of view" from the second or third person reference point. End with the personal opinion side using the first person reference.  
  
The idea is to prove that you know how to use all the pronoun sentence formations in your essay. Since there are 3 reference points:  
  
- First person  
- Second person  
- Third person  
  
Then you need to show the examiner that you know how to properly use all reference points in the creation of simple and complex sentences that represent a clear explanation through an interconnected paragraph discussion.
## Revenue Sources and Expenditures

  
  
The pie chart shows the amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year, 2016.  
  
The pie charts illustrate the revenue sources and expenditure of a charitable organization for children in USA in the year 2016.  
  
Overall, donated food made up the predominant part of revenue sources, while investment income and government grants were the smallest segments. In comparison, the bulk of money was spent on program services, whereas management and general contributed least to the expenditure.  
  
In detail, donated food account for 86.6% of the total revenue source, while only just over one tenth of the revenue was from community contributions. Noticeably, government grants and investment income shared the same figure, which was 0.2%. Besides, program revenue and other income were 2.2% and 0.4% respectively. The total revenue was $53,561,580.  
  
Furthermore, program services, which almost dominated the expenditure, tallied 95.8%. In stark contrast, only 2.6 of the spending was contributed by fundraising, and the figure for management and general was at 1.6%. The total spending was &53,224,896, which was approximately $340,000 higher than the total revenue.  
  
*
In my opinion, you've done a very great job. Personally, I don't have so much to contribute. Therefore, I am only able to give some trivial mistakes :  
  
-*contributed "**the**" least to the expenditure*  
-*2.2% and 0.4%**,** respectively.*  
-only 2.6**%**  
These are the only mistakes I could find. But hope could help you by this in some way :< .
## Healthy food education, is it necessary?

  
  
Scientists agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Others think education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
It is believed that people are suffering from loads of health-related issues because of excessive consumption of unhealthy food. Some people hold the thought that education should take responsibility for this phenomenon while others have little faith in this solution. This essay contends that education is such an applicable solution, and it will discuss both points of view.  
  
On the one hand, educating people and raising their awareness towards the hazard of unwholesome food are believed to yield some auspicious outcomes. Firstly, general education can provide people with adequate knowledge of nutrition and food safety. As a result, people would have the competence to distinguish between domestic commodities and junk food which contain lots of detrimental substances. Secondly, knowledge of health-related issues seems beneficial to encourage healthy habits. People would have a nourishing diet if they have opportunities to take part in some extracurricular activities like cooking with healthy ingredients.  
  
On the other hand, it is suspicious that health education is not a one-size-fits-all solution because of the following reasons. To begin with, nobody can deny that junk food has its own good characteristics. For instance, hamburgers or pizzas are considered the best choices for their convenience and delicious tastes while it seems to be time-consuming to prepare for a proper nutritious meal. In addition, some people who experience financial difficulties find it difficult to afford a three-course meal; therefore, they eat junk food on a daily basis despite being aware of its potential consequences.  
  
In conclusion, there are many different opinions about whether education could help to reduce people's consumption of fast food. In my opinion, I do believe that education can be a worthwhile measure with careful consideration of other impediments.
You are not being asked to deliver a solution to the problem in this essay. You are only being asked to do a comparison discussion of the 2 ideas that people have about the given topic. So this should have been a 5 paragraph essay that contains two public points of view, with proper references to each public thought. These will be written from the third person plural point of view. The personal should be presented using first person pronouns to refer to your thoughts or opinion and supporting information. Your paraphrase is inaccurate to a small extent because you said; "This essay contends that education is such an applicable solution". You should instead, have indicated that your personal opinion would be based on the comparison discussion points.  
  
Third person pronouns (They, them, theirs) should have been used in the topic sentences that discussed the public point of view. While first person (Me, myself, I) should have been used in the non-existent personal point of view. The use of these pronouns, in the proper context is required for the completion and scoring of your simple / complex sentences. It is an important consideration in the GRA section.  
  
Your opinion, in this presentation is a mere afterthought in the conclusion. That is not the place for the personal opinion since the personal opinion needs:  
  
- Your personal idea or support of one of the two public opinions  
- An explanation of why you support that side  
- An example to help push your side as the correct side  
- Additional supporting explanation (optional)  
- Transition sentence going into the conclusion  
  
There is room for tremendous improvement in your work. Specially in your use of words. Never use casual phrases such as "loads of" in a Task 2 essay. You are aiming to get a good LR score through the use of academic words in the proper form. While you may be familiar with English casual language, not all every day English words have a place in academic writing. You have to familiarize yourself with formal English sentence presentations to gain a better overall score.
## The idea of studying abroad

  
  
Some students choose to study in another country for a time during high school or university. What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of studying abroad?  
  
In the era of new technology and the development of artificial intelligence, it requires people to have deeper knowledge and have more qualifications. Therefore, many students choose to study abroad for tertiary education, which has both pros and cons.  
  
To begin with, studying abroad has many advantages. First, it equips students with better knowledge because the overseas education system has much better quality as well as more modern facilities. Second, graduates from abroad universities are more likely to be employed by huge firms with higher wage for the qualifications they have achieved, which the employer prefer to the qualifications from the domestic high schools or universities. Third, the students would be equipped with a multicultural mindset during the time they study at the university because of the diversity of races in the universities.  
  
Besides, this tendency of studying also has drawbacks. Students' nationality such as the countries from Asia like Vietnam, India or China can engender racial discrimination, which then could lead to bullying, Moreover, the tuition fee in foreign universities is exorbitant, which, as a result, places a financial burden on their parents.  
  
In a nutshell, although studying abroad has both ups and downs, the advantages seem to surpass the other.
I cannot review this essay, there are simply too many missing words for it to get a passing score. Instead, it will receive appropriate deductions for being an essay of only 202 words. It is too much under the 250 word minimum. You need an additional 48 words for this essay. The deductions for the word count plus other errors in the essay will result in a non-passing score. Since this is the first essay that you wrote and, it appears that you are self-studying, I would like to give you another chance. Having read your essay, I can tell that you can do better than this in a written discussion. Pick a different topic and write a proper word count discussion of it. I refuse to judge your writing abilities by this paper. It simply does not allow you to show your writing prowess in the correct manner. I hope you can post a new essay soon for my review.
I have some notes for you :  
- You did not write enough 250 words  
- In the introduction, you did not give your opinion  
- Firstly, secondly, thirdly,... not first, second, third,..  
- You wrote too many points, but focus on none of them ( such as racial discrimination,the tuition fee). Instead, you should choose one and just write about that.  
  
- Your conclusion was too general, it had to include all the point that you had written before