dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## [IELTS ACADEMIC-WRITTING TASK 2] THE POPULATION

  
  
**At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
Presently, the population of some nations witnessed a larger proportion of the youngster in comparison with that of senior citizens. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of this situation and provide evidences as to why the benefits of this trend would overshadow its drawbacks.  
  
On the one hand, there are two major disadvantages when the number of the elderly shrinks. Firstly, the aged offer valued experiences known as folk wisdom on many aspects such as child rearing or traditional remedy, which the youth may hardly known. For example, the elderly would take advantage of natural herbs to overcome a flu instead of taking medicine. The herbal remedy has long been recognized as an economical but effective treatment for these common illnesses. Secondly, the decrease of old population may in turn make the cultural preservation suffer. In fact, some traditional professions dated back to 100 years ago, such as pottery making are handed down from generation to generation thanks to senior citizens. As young adults are no loner concerned about these traditional cultures, a part of national heritage may become vanished.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that the benefits are more significant than such disadvantages. One reason for this view is that thanks to their creativity, the youngsters come up with more innovations in creating leading-edge technologies, which allow people' lives to be more handy. As young adults are able to transform their ideas into a reality thanks to more effective approach to up-to-date information compared with the old ones, they could take over the role of state future owners. Another reasons is that juveniles are responsible for national economic development. It is true that countries with higher percentages of young population would progress faster. The more youthful laborers there are, the more sustainably a country would develop.  
  
In conclusion, nations with younger population is not without disadvantages, however, I believe that the upsides would justify these
This essay is guilty of over discussion without regard for the time allotment of the test. You wrote 319 words. You are well over the minimum required words, but your essay did not achieve its fullest potential just the same. You see, a long essay will never guarantee a passing score. That is because long essays, such as the one that you wrote, usually suffers from a lack of clarity int he discussion. The lack of clarity comes from the desperate intention of the exam taker to impress the examiner by the amount of English words that he knows, instead of the clarity of his ability to express himself in English. Your paragraphs need to be understandable and also, focused on a given discussion top[c. Your presentation does not qualify as fully developed, nor coherent, nor cohesive because of the lack of focus on content and unfair focus on the word count.  
  
Read your presentations. You have 2 topics per, that means, you used 3 sentences to fully explain the first topic, then introduced the second topic in the 4th sentence, followed by an under developed explanation for the 5th sentence. The 4th sentence should instead be an additional explanation in support of the first topic. The 5th sentence should be used as a transition or introduction to the upcoming paragraph topic. That is how you present clear and coherent essays.
*## IELTS Cambridge 10 Test 1 Writing Task 1

  
**written by Amy Ng***  
  
The charts depict the data of an average Australian household electricity use and heat-trapping coal emissions.  
  
Overall, since most Australian people consume energy in heating and water-heating, the emissions are high percentage. Cooling and lighting takes fewer energy. Therefore, there are less emissions.  
  
Firstly, heating and water heating are the most used in Australian households, which are 30% and 42%. Next, 15% of residents use energy in other applications. Last, refrigeration, cooling and lighting take the lowest energy, which is under 10%.  
  
Secondly, the highest percentage of greenhouse gas emissions is water-heating. And then other appliances are 28%. Refrigeration and heating have similar gas emissions, which are 14% and 15%. Finally, cooling and lighting also are under 10%, which is 3% and 8%, analogous to the first chart. It also highlights that there is tight relationship between energy usage and greenhouse gas emission.  
  
\*\*the chart is included in file 1.\*\*  
Please leave some comment. Thank you.  
  
*
Sorry Amy, I refuse to review your essay. It would be unfair of me to tell you what you did wrong in writing and how to correct it. I just cannot bring myself to do it because you only wrote 143 out of 150 words. The essay will receive severe points deductions for the lacking words. Then, the examiner will consider the other mistakes in your writing and apply another set of deductions for every grading rubic. By the end of his assessment, you will not have passed the test with the remaining scores that he decided to give you for every scoring consideration. You have to write at least 150 words or risk failing the test. I'll give you another chance. Write a new Task 1 topic essay and post it here. It is only fair that we review your work based on a more accurate representation of your writing skills, based on the minimum word count. I know you can do it. You showed some of those abilities in the essay. You have the potential to write well, but you seem to be afraid of writing more words. Don't let the words scare you. Just keep writing. Provided you stay within the 20 minute limit, you should be able to get a decent grade for your work.
## Women in poverty and percentage poverty rage by sex and age

  
  
The supplied pie chart shows the percentage of women who were poverty-stricken while the presented bar illustrates the poverty ratio according to gender and age group in USA in 2008.  
  
Overall, women without children is comprised the largest proportion of the given pie chart. Furthermore, women, generally, had a higher poverty rate compares to man.  
  
In the pie chart, it is remarkable that single women without children had the highest percentage of poverty rate while married women without any kids made up of the smallest one, at 54% and 8% respectively. Married women with dependent children and single women with kids accounted for remaining roughly two fifth.  
  
In the bar chart, it is obvious that women was suffered poverty more than man regardless age group in the given year. Moreover, the age group "under 5" and"18-24" reached the peak at just over 20% while the lowest point was recorded at just under 10% among people who are "45 - 54".  
  
Hello all. I'm a new member in this forums. I would like to say thanks to any one read this in advance. Really appreciated any comment below.  
  
*
Hi there. I may have some suggestions for your essay here:  
- I think a paragraph is comprised of 3-5 sentences so your paragraphing here may be lacking. You should add more to make a full paragraph. For example, you can add some information in the introduction and the overview. Here is my suggestion:  
  
The pie chart and bar graph illustrates the poverty in the United States in 2008. The chart describes this situation based on the percentage of women in poverty-stricken households, whereas the graph provides a comprehensive classification according to gender and age group. Overall, women in the US had a higher risk of undergoing poverty compared to men, out of which single women bore the greatest burden.  
  
- You are just merely describing the information, not comparing it. There are some ways you can make your description more concise and remain on point at the same time. Here, take this as an example:  
  
*"In the pie chart, it is ..."*  
  
Instead of recounting all the figures, I think you can use some linking words to make the contrast/similarities more prominent. For example:  
  
In the pie chart, the percentage of single women suffering from poverty is significantly higher than their married counterparts, as they accounted for nearly three fourths of the whole female population in 2008. **In comparison,** married women with dependent children comprised for roughly 12%, whereas women who got married...  
  
- I think that you can make some of the most prominent figures more present for the viewers here. For example, you can make more comparison regarding women in different age group here. Also, the percentage of poor men in the US appears to diminish when they get older, but this did not happen for women.
You could have done a better job at representing the discussion of these charts. You only have 160 words presented. Just a little over the minimum word requirement. A fully developed Task 1 essay, the kind that can help you garner more ratings while being reviewed by an examiner, is approximately 175-190 words. As I reviewed your essay, I discovered that you were more focused on just presenting enough of the discussion to get things done. So you did not really try to do a comparison discussion in your presentation. The discussion presentation is what usually helps you achieve the 175 minimum word count. Next time, try to work on your analytics and comparisons more. The comparative discussion is what will boost your score. Don't settle for simply meeting the minimum requirement. That means you will be satisfied with a minimum score as well. Aim bigger and higher for a better score.
## IELTS TASK2: Modern technology is creating one single world culture. Agree or disagree?

  
  
In the comtemporary world, there has been a great deal of discussion evoling around the issue of whether morden technology could change the world's living standard, which results in creating a single world culture. From my prespective, i believe that high-tech is the most state- of- the- art performance in the evolution of mankind. Personally, i totally agree with this view for the following reason.  
  
The primary factor we need to take into the consideration is that artificial intelligent helps people in various aspect of life. That is to say, intelligent robots are fed with information and those machines with metal bodies are having a lot of incredible ability to endure spaces which could reach high accuracy information of searching. As a results, people can descend their time-comsuming to unwind and that make their life more useful. Moreover, high-teach allows people to broaden their horizons. To put it simply, the needs of commuting are increasingly in our society so the transportation such as bus, train or airplane are always the best choices for the citizens to identify some others alien cultures or they can transfer to work or school.  
  
Turn to another side of the argument, i do admit that the cons of modern technology still exist. In addition, people nowadays are more tendency to use their phone rather than commuicate with each other and it could prevent the feelings of bonding. Even so, technology still has been playing an increasingly significant role in people's life.  
  
To sum up, modern technology has a great impact on the ultimate way people live now. In my oppinon, there also has been pros and cons of the problem, but it is gradually creating a new single world culture where old traditions are no longer of that much importance.
I think you have critical thinking, but the way you express it is not good enough.  
First, you should check your spelling before posting. So many words are wrong "evoling, artificial intelligent, high-teach"  
  
"That is to say, intelligent robots are fed with information and those machines with metal bodies are having a lot of incredible ability to endure spaces which could reach high accuracy information of searching"  
  
This is a very risky sentence which can turn to be a run-on sentence and your idea is not expressed clearly.  
I would fix "That is to say, intelligent robots are able to store information and their incredible abilities to endure severe conditions can allow humans to access to accurate information of searching"  
  
" As a results, people can descend their time-comsuming to unwind and that make their life more useful".  
I think this sentence is too hard to catch on and it seems to be you did not check your essay. I know what you want to say but it should be " As a result, people can spend less time on trivial matters and utilize their times."  
  
Most important thing is that your essay is not coherent. Your statement in the intro says that you "totally agree". And then, you admit the cons. I think it's not wrong, but that paragraph is valueless, because you only accept the cons and talk about the tendency of people. It is not supported and has nothing related to your first statement.  
  
Then again, you clearly accept both pros and cons in the ending, it makes your intro and end as they are in different essays. I remind you that in the conclusion, you can only restate what you wrote in the intro with paraphrase. NO SCORING OR BAN!
## face-to-face contact among people becoming increasingly rare

  
  
The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society.  
  
Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.  
  
In this day and age, development of mass media has played a vital role in spreading knowledge and connecting people all over the world. It is said that social networking platforms have a propensity to replace face-to-face contact among people in society. Although this trend is without disadvantages, the advantages will justify these.  
  
On the one hand, communicating via social media presents an unprecedented paradox. With advanced technologies, people are more favoured to keep in touch with their family but also potentially disconnected to them. Platforms such as Facebook, Instagram, Tweeter have developed a communication tool that allow its user to contact, share information of each other without paying any visit. This may create negative impacts on the relationship between an individual and their relatives.  
  
On the flip side, social media has its advantages. Communication is no longer restricted because of geographical barrier since mass media facilitates the interaction among people, enabling them to contact on a 24/7 basis. With solely a click, people can join international network and started chatting, sharing experience or even debating about certain issues. Additionally, social media contains a great deal of knowledge, hence, information exposure become more approachable. Individual can learn at anytime without using conventional method which an educational mentor is required.  
  
In conclusion, although social media may affect people to some extent, I believe that its upsides are more beneficial to society.
I cannot review this essay. It is only 230 words. There is a 250 minimum word requirement. This essay will receive so many points deductions for being under the word count that it will not have a passing chance. There will be points deductions for the missing words that would have totaled 250 and, there will also be deductions for the LR, GRA, C&C sections. As such, this essay does not properly represent your ability to write a complete essay. The examiner will mark you down so badly on all fronts that you cannot reach the 5 band score.  
  
So, I suggest that we forget you wrote this essay. Come back to this forum with a Task 2 essay on a new topic, with over 250 words. Then I'll consider reviewing your work and giving you proper pointers. I simply refuse to give you corrections on an essay that I know does not properly represent your writing skills. Take this 2nd chance I am offering you. You won't be sorry.
I think your essay is OK, but there are a few mistakes.  
  
"mass media facilitates the interaction among people"  
" social media has its advantages"  
  
The problem is media is a plural noun, its singular form is medium. You add "s" to the verb after "media" all over the essay. This definitely will decrease your grammar score.  
  
" Although this trend is without disadvantages, the advantages will justify these."  
I don't know what do you mean. If I translate it would be "This trend has no disadvantages, the advantages will justify it"  
And then, you have one paragraph mentions about the disadvantages, so this statement is wrong".  
I would fix "Although some disadvantages arouse with this trend simultaneously, its disadvantages definitely outweigh them"  
  
"advanced technologies". There is no problem, but I recommend "cutting-edge technology". This is like a phrase.  
  
Most important thing is you should support your last statement with example. "social media contains a great deal of knowledge"  
You will have sufficient words for the essay and increase your TA score. Every statement has to be expanded. You can talk about some sources that help you learn English such TED, National Geographic, and CNBC News.
## Using a computer everyday can have more negative than positive effects on children. Agree/Disagree?

  
  
It is true that in this temporary society, computers are no stranger to children. While I agree that computers have their own advantages, I believe that using computers every day does more harm than good to the children.  
  
Firstly, staring at the computer on a daily basis affects children's health negatively. One of the most undeniable results of computers on a child's health is short-sightedness. The computer screens emit a particular green light which proved to be harmful to human's eyes in the long term. As a result, looking at the computer day by day could make our eyes tired and eventually leads to myopia. In addition, computers promote a sedentary lifestyle. Children who are absorbed in the virtual world have the tendency to stay at home most of the time. This trend increases the risk of hazardous illness such as heart attack and obesity since those computer addicts are lacking in physical exercises.  
  
Secondly, children would gain access to the unwanted sources of information on the Internet. It is clear that the information updated on computer is unlimited; nevertheless, they are sometimes left unmonitored. Children could inadvertently reach the inappropriate contents related to violence and sexuality. Clearly, a child could take in information easily without filtering; therefore, these types of information would provoke violence among children by lingering images of killings. Take my brother as an example. When he was six, my parents allowed him to use the computer without restrictions. After a few months, he became rigorous towards people since he watched a great deal of violent videos on Youtube. We then became aware of the negative impacts of computers on children's mind.  
  
In conclusion, even though computers might have some positive edges, I strongly believe that they are harmful to children in the main and that children should not be allowed to use computers too often.
There are two serious errors in this essay that will prevent it from achieving a 5 band score. The first error is that this is an extent essay, not a simple agree / disagree essay. The complete instruction for the discussion is:  
  
*To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
So the response is not "While I agree" but rather "I firmly agree with this statement because of my personal experience with using computers."  
  
The essay contains researched information, not personal knowledge or experience. The reference to Myopia clearly indicates that you did not write this essay based on testing center situations. There is no research instrument available at the testing center. It would have been better if you had used only your personal experience to defend your stance.  
  
For example, if you did not used to wear eyeglasses but after a few years or months of using the computer, you already had to wear glasses, then that is a good example from personal experience. Your TA score has to show that you are capable of following the discussion instructions. Your essay shows that you cannot follow discussion instructions because of the source of your information.  
  
The main pronouns to be used in this discussion would be in the first to second person in reference to personal experience or reference to other people. Research specific information such as Myopia can clearly be seen and will lower your score accordingly.  
  
The second paragraph is more in line with the discussion requirement of personal knowledge or experience. For this essay, the reasoning paragraphs should cover 2 different paragraph topics only:  
  
- Personal experience  
- observation of the effects on other people  
  
Had you used your brother first then your personal experience second, the essay would have been more prompt responsive.
## some species are on the verse of extinction

  
  
***Topic:*** *Influence of human beings on the world's ecosystem is leading to the extinction of species and loss of bio-diversity.*  
*What are the primary causes of loss of bio-diversity?  
What solutions can you suggest?*  
  
Humankind has made many impacts on the natural system that cause the disappearance of a huge number of breeds and the damage on biological diversity. This essay will discuss the reasons why biodiversity is destructed and the alternatives can be addressed to overcome these problems.  
  
Two of the biggest reasons of the threatened ecosystem are habitat destruction and global warming. Firstly, numbers of different species of plants and animals are losing their habitation due to the deforestation and polluting oceans. Species which are physically large and those living in forests or oceans are more affected by habitat reduction. Secondly, the increase of the global climate is one of the major causes of unbalance biodiversity. For example, the emissions are produced by factories and vehicles has caused the greenhouse effect. As the result, extreme weather conditions including massive flooding and polar ice melting are mainly attributed to the extinction of species.  
  
Governments could certainly make more effort to protect the environment to reduce the raising temperatures. They could introduce laws to limits fumes from manufacturers or force companies to use renewable energy from wind, solar or water power. Another method is to impose "green taxes" on drivers and airline companies. In this way, people would be encouraged to use public transports and to take fewer flights abroad, therefore reducing the emissions.  
  
In conclusion, several actions can be taken to tackle the main reasons why the species are on the verse of extinction.