dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the necessity of traditional events

  
  
Traditional celebrations happen in every nation around the globe for as long as recorded history. These special events are inevitably vital for human lives as they are the connection between families, the resource of comfort and happiness, and the underpinning of societies.  
  
First and foremost, cultural celebrations can build a strong bond between families, and societies. At these events, family members will come together in one place to share a meal, have meaningful conversations, or pass down knowledge and lessons to younger generations. With such occupied lives nowadays, a majority of individuals genuinely look forward to traditional events, where they can experience a cozy and pleasant atmosphere at home with their loved ones.  
  
Secondly, celebrating cultural events can create lasting memories because they are either unique and memorable. For instance, citizens tend to remember the first time they saw splendid fireworks on New Year Day or the time when they received presents from Father Christmas. These memories are forever engraved in those people's hearts, and they can contribute comfort and happiness whenever we recall them.  
  
Finally, traditional celebrations help form structure and foundation in families, and societies since each of them is a historical purpose. Therefore, attending these events can define people's past, shape who they are, and what they are likely to be in the future. Neglecting the crucial celebrations can result in the loss of the underpinning of one's society.  
  
To summarize, every human being should be aware of the necessity of having traditional events in their lives. Disregarding them can bring about severe problems and disadvantages.
The approach you took to this essay deviates from the original prompt requirement. You were asked for the extent of your agreement or disagreement of the given topic. You did not give any appropriate response to the given discussion instruction. Neither did you closely mimic the original discussion subject in your rephrasing of the presentation. Your TA score is not going to be acceptable due to the lack of connection of your presentation to the original one.  
  
You were first told that the traditional events are important but that people have forgotten about that importance. That these days, people only want to enjoy themselves rather than follow traditional celebrations. The essence of the topic, the reason behind it, and what you are supposed to discuss got lost in your translation. You failed to accurately rephrase the prompt information. This will show a response unrelated to the original prompt, which means your TA score will not be in the passing range.  
  
The overall discussion that you have presented does not align itself with the suggested discussion points. The only part of your presentation that actually serves to respond to the original presentation is the third paragraph. The contents are somewhat aligned with the required "traditional" reasons. You should have developed that as your first reason and then offered a second paragraph supporting that instead.
Thank you for your reading  
  
***Deforestation caused by human activities is happening in many parts of the world, with serious results for the environment.***  
## What do you think can be done to solve this problem?

  
  
It is undeniable that logging practices that have lead to a myriad amount of natural damage have been globally conducted. Thus, tackling those problems requires an array of resolutions.  
  
Firstly, researches about reasonable logging activities should be carried out by both private and state-owned companies. Logging companies have done lots of deforestation activities, which can cause severe effects on natural habitats such as habitat loss or deaths of many lifeforms - both terrestrial and aquatic creatures. Besides, extensive forest clearance results in animal migration to big cities thus could do harm the local citizens. Because of those reasons, developing logical logging activities could contribute enormously to the improvement of natural stability.  
  
Secondly, reforestation in damaged forests should be high on the authority's agenda. Not only vegetation could inhibit soil erosion in mountainous areas, which can be a catastrophic situation for the local citizens, but replanting trees could also fertilize infertile lands. After a harvest, cultivated lands are extremely polluted with chemicals and fertilizers. Therefore, the reforesting process would improve land quality.  
  
In conclusion, there is an array of methods and cooperation between companies and the government is required to effectively solve this issue.
As this is a Task 2 essay, your writing needs to meet the minimum word requirement of 250 words to be considered for a passing score within all 4 scoring considerations. You have written only 193 words. Appropriate percentage deductions for the missing word count shall be applied to your TA score. The starting score of your essay shall be on the failing level at this point. It is important for you to understand that under writing (in terms of word count) results in percentage deductions and over writing (in terms of word count) will result in you creating more uncorrected errors in your response. You need to write within an appropriate limit instead, no more than 275-290 words will be more than sufficient for your you to get better scoring considerations and also, prevent you from creating too many writing errors.  
  
Both the prompt paraphrase and concluding reverse paraphrase seem to be the reason why you under wrote in this essay. Both paragraphs need to have between 3-5 sentences in the presentation for you to achieve an appropriate word count. In the first paraphrase, you should present an outline of the potential 2 topics you will be discussing as individual paragraphs after you restate the topic. For the reverse concluding paragraph, you need to restate the topic and the 2 solutions you have presented and explained. You may add a sentence about why you believe the solutions you have suggested will work to close the essay.  
  
By properly lengthening the presentation and staying within the discussion requirements for both the topic, format, and discussion development, you should be able to meet the minimum word requirements next time. By the way, Avoid using conjunctions such as "because" at the start of a sentence. As a word connector, the more appropriate place to use "because" or "and" is in the middle of an already existing sentence as both conjunctions are meant to connect 2 thoughts in one sentence, in a clearly reasoned manner.
hi guys, please help me check my essay, i really look forward the feedbacks from you guys. Thanks a lot  
  
***Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

  
  
It is believed that music has a magic function in connecting people to people from all walks of life no matter what nations, generations they are. Personally, i completely agree with this notion and i will give my own reason below.  
  
In the first place, music has ability to help people from all over the world access to new cultures and then have a new knowledge about each countries. This is mainly because, each national music industry has the typical properties such as rhythm, style or in even in some music video, some singers have managed to put their traditional habit and custom or some quintessence of their tradition in it. For example, "nha nhac cung dinh hue" of viet nam was recognised as intangible cultural heritage by UNESCO, it brings itself , the long-lasting features of viet nam from the traditional costume to the music instrument they use to make the rhythm. Hence, when you enjoy a music composition, you also access to a new culture.  
  
In the rest of the phase, music is for everyone from every ages. The reason for this is that, there are a variety of types of music generated in a certain time and by definition it brings the unique features of each periods and each has it own brilliant achievement in accessing to people from all over generations. To illustrate, classical music is the high of music industry in 11th century which was originated from European areas, there are also many all-time distinguished composers, Beethoven, Mozart for example and until now, people still enjoy the masterpieces from hundreds century later. In addition, each kind of music has it own outstanding features which is worth listening and discovering.  
  
In conclusion, for the reasons mentioned above, i believe that music is the specially useful instrument in gathering people, regardless of their ages or cultures.
You gave a very good paraphrase and measured response. However, you failed to justify your opinion in the 2 succeeding paragraphs. There was a disconnection between your opinion and your reasons because the reasons did not illustrate the main discussion topic provided in the original prompt. Your reasons should have supported the idea of "bringing people of different cultures and ages together" These are the 2 reasoning paragraphs you should have presented. One for cultures and one for ages.  
  
The example you used, the UNESCO heritage song did not indicate how it brought people of different races together as an inspirational point or for a common good. This makes ineffective as an example of "different cultures". Music for every ages is also a problematic reason as you do not justify any music that actually showed bringing people together of different ages. So the examples do not help support your opinion as stated at the start of your essay.
Hello,  
Please help me check this IELTS writing task 2 essay. Thanks a lot.  
Essay Prompt:  
***Some commentators feel that grandparents should live together with their children and grandchildren, while others say that elderly people should be encouraged to live independently.  
  
## Consider the possible arguments on both sides of this debate, and reach your own conclusion.***  
  
Whether grandparents should live with their families or independently remains debatable. There can be plausible arguments for both sides, as we shall see.  
  
On the one hand, the elderly should live with their families as part of some traditional beliefs which have been passed on from generation to generation. It is believed that as grandparents sacrificed their lives and enjoyments to make sure their children have a stable upbringing, it is the children's responsibility to take care of their parents when they can no longer work. Grandparents living independently or living in nursing homes may lead to social stigma, which sometimes can be the reason for mental decline in old people and even in other family members. Moreover, it is safer for old people to live with their family to avoid such problems as robbery or accidents.  
  
On the other hand, those who support the idea of grandparents living on their own often claim that it would be beneficial for both family members and grandparents themselves as it helps create a more comfortable life for all. Many families nowadays are dual-income, which means both parents have to work and they may not have enough time to take care of their old parents. This often leads to old people feeling being left-out or worthlessness, and gradually often they would be depressed. Furthermore, it is also true that living independently or in special care centers, old people have more chance to talk to other people of their age which can bring them the perks of being able to socialize. Indeed, this is what old people often lack if they live with their children because they would be busy at work or at school the entire day.  
  
In conclusion, although there might be some sound reasons for living in a big family, the better quality and more chances to communicate are the reasons why old family members should choose to live independently.
First: you shouldnt use the pronouns like: I, we, you in the essay.  
Second: in the first main paragraph,you gave three reasons to support the first opinion but in the second one, it just has only one. you should balance the ideas of both sides.  
  
Third: the conclusion should also include at least two sentences. And you should give your opinion clearer.  
And: at work or at school....------> at work or school....  
Anyway, your vocabulary is good.
The approach that you took to creating the paraphrase is a bit incorrect. While you did a good job restating the topic, you could have done better in presenting the reasons to the examiner. Rather than saying that there are plausible arguments on both sides, you should have instead, presented the topics for debate, the 2 sides of the discussion that you will be presenting. That way, you could have also indicated that based on the considerations, you will be presenting an explanation of your conclusion of facts towards the end of the essay.  
  
The format for this essay is 5 paragraphs composed of:  
  
Par. 1: Restatement + discussion summary  
Par. 2: First public POV consideration  
Par. 3: Second public POV discussion  
Par. 4: Your opinion as to which side you support  
Par. 5: Reverse summary conclusion  
  
While you did give a generalized discussion, you failed to offer your personal opinion / conclusion based on the reasons you mentioned. As such, the essay is presenting an incomplete discussion to the examiner and will only be scored on 2 out of 3 discussion requirements.
***Q: Some people believe working adults should be required to retire at a certain age, while others say people should be able to work as long as they want to.***  
  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion

  
  
A:  
There has been an argument with regards to the age that working adults should retire. While some believe people should work as long as they wish to, I think the government should set a specific retirement age for working adults.  
  
There are 2 main reasons why some people support no certain retired age. Firstly, since workers think they are still capable of contributing to the job, there is no obstacle to curb them from keeping doing what they love. For example, if a seventy-year-old man is still in good health condition and has a passion for work, he can even work more effectively due to his vast experiences in his field. Secondly, by rescinding the retired age in policy, disadvantaged persons can have more time to work and prevent not to plunge into financial crisis. In fact, in a poor family with many children, parents need to work longer and harder in order to raise their kids until they can become an independent person.  
  
Besides, there are more compelling reasons to require working adults to retire at a certain age. One of the reasons is, by requiring people to retire at the same age, either a rich person or poor person, to achieve equality and a balance in society. For instance, if we all have retirement at 60 without counting other factors, such as illness or disability, no one would ever bemoan about privileges that any group of people has to retire sooner and contribute less. The second reason is to help people prepare their life after retirement better. The worker knows exactly when they will be off from work and can plan to enjoy the rest of their life by traveling, for example.  
  
In conclusion, despite a debate in terms of the age of retirement, I support the government to set a particular age for working adults to be free from work and have a better time to enjoy the rest of their life.
It is important that you do not use exaggerated words in your presentation. There is no semblance of an argument in the original discussion topic. There is only a belief, 2 different beliefs in fact. So, rather than "argument", you should have used the word "beliefs" instead to reflect the differing opinions in the original presentation. Proper word usage, specially in the form of a synonym, can always help to boost your LR score. Be careful with word usage, always use the appropriate replacement word. The restated information you gave is incomplete. There are 2 points of view remember? So both points of view need to be presented in individual sentence presentations prior to your giving your personal opinion. Personally, I have seen my students get a better score in the actual test when, rather than presenting a single personal opinion in the discussion, they offer a personal opinion for each point of view. This allows the essay to be written in a quicker and clearer form, giving their overall score a boost in the eyes of the examiner.  
  
If you review your essay, you should also see that you are discussing only one point of view throughout the 2 discussion paragraphs rather than discussing one of each public point of view per paragraph. You have used an incorrect discussion format in this presentation which will definitely pull down your overall score. In fact, I do not see this essay getting a passing score because the response is only correct to a certain degree. You spoke of only one point of view creating a tangential response, meaning your TA score will be limited to an almost, but not quite passing score.  
  
Let me leave you with the proper paragraph format for this essay:  
  
Par. 1: Prompt restatement  
Par. 2: Public POV 1 + public reason / explanation + personal opinion  
par. 3: Pub;ic POV 2 + public reason / explanation + personal opinion  
Par. 4: Reverse paraphrase ( topic, 2 public and personal opinions)
## the population aged 65 and more

  
  
A glance at the line chart provide highlights the demographic numbers of people whose aged 65 and over in three different countries from 1940 to 2040.  
  
Overall, there was a significant growing trendancy among all three countries. Noticeable, the percentage number of the people in USA was the highest at the beginning and lowest in the end. In contrast, Japan owns the lowest percentages at first but is predicted to be the highest in the future.  
  
To probe more deeply, there was a gradual increase in population in the USA from 1940 to 1980; however, the percentage of population decreased slightly between 1980 and 2020. It is anticipated to grow up to 24% at 2040, which is three time as 1940. There was a fluctation between 1960 and 2030 in Swedwn, but it is estimated to climb to about 25% at 2040. Since the beginning of 1940,The trend of population in japan was slowly gone down. Nevertheless, it has consistantly risen since 1987 and it is anticipated to reach a peak at 27% to 2040.  
  
*
Remember that words matter in writing your essays. You need to use theme appropriate words to show your LR and vocabulary range. For example, in this presentation, you said "A glance..." That phrase (a glance) does not indicate the proper instruction for this essay. A task 1 essay always offers and analysis of the image. So never simply "glance" or quickly look at the image. Use words that connote a study of the image instead. Something that will qualify the report as a run-down of important information, as studied by the writer. That will have more of an impact on your score.  
  
The summary overview has a pretty much set in stone presentation requirement. You need to list the countries from the image and the measurement type before the trending statement. These help to highlight the discussion / analytical points that you will be presenting in the essay. These help you achieve a higher TA score as well due to the complete summary review of the information provided.  
  
Remember to proofread before submitting your essay. Your lack of correction to spelling and grammar issues in the presentation will have a direct impact on your score in the LR and GRA sections. Points will be deducted for these errors. Always leave a pocket of time to review your work. You need to make sure to spot as many errors, and correct them if you want to aim for the best score you can get in this test.
## consequences of sharing the same roads between motorists and cyclists

  
  
It is true that the usage of the same roads by cyclists and motorists could be the culprit of several problems. While this is a serious issue, some measures should be taken to alleviate it.  
  
The main issue of sharing the same roads is that there are numerous accidents, especially for cyclists who are prone to injuries from colliding with cars. Due to the fact that motorists could fail to be aware of other road users when some cyclists do not abide by the rules of the roads or stand out of sight of car drivers. For example, some motorists turn left or turn right without realizing cyclists near them, which could put cyclists at stake. Another problem is that many commuters using the roads simultaneously could give rise to traffic congestion. Therefore, this might deprive commuters of time and energy, followed by their poor work productivity.  
  
Since such issues have several negative impacts, the government should take steps to address these problems. Firstly, they should have prioritized expenditure on road safety. In other words, they could allocate money for transport infrastructure such as expanding public systems and constructing more cycle lanes on busy roads. Secondly, it is advisable for governments to introduce a restriction on car drivers by imposing a congestion charge and upgrading side roads as modern as the main road. As a result, this might discourage motorists from entering the city center.  
  
In conclusion, there are various negative consequences of sharing the same roads between motorists and cyclists and appropriate steps need to be taken to tackle these problems.
When you are not being asked if a statement is true or false, you do not need to indicate the "truth" of a statement in the restated topic. It is not necessary to do so because you are changing the original discussion topic in the process. That will affect the way the examiner views your restatement as being close or not to the original discussion presentation. You should also learn to provide a proper topic outline in response to the 2 discussion being asked (the problems and how the problems can be solved).  
  
When writing this type of essay, you should use 2 connected topics first, then give a cohesive example to support your information. That way you create a clear, cohesive, and coherent paragraph. The format is:  
  
Sentence 1: 1st topic  
Sentence 2: Explanation  
Sentence 3: Transition to the next topic  
Sentence 4: New topic  
Sentence 5: Example that connects the 2 topics in the paragraph  
  
When the above format is not used, the essay tends to come across as under developed and lacking in clear explanation or examples. You need to show that you have the ability to create a connected discussion presentation in each paragraph. The same approach could have been used for a stronger solutions paragraph in the second reasoning presentation.  
  
Your conclusion needs work. For this type of essay, you need to offer 5 sentences composed of:  
Sentence 1: topic restatement  
Sentence 2: first problem restatement  
Sentence 3: second problem restatement  
Sentence 4: first solution restatement  
Sentence 5: second solution restatement  
  
The reverse paraphrase, as shown in the above format, will allow you to be considered for a higher TA score as you will be able to show how you can restate the topic in 2 different ways. Thus assuring the examiner that you have ample English skills in terms of LR and GRA considerations.