dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
***In many countries, imprisonment is the most common solution to crime, however, some people believe that better education will be more effective solution.*  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Opinions are divided on whether imprisonment should be the primary punishment for crime. Some people think that an improvement in education can serve as a better alternative to incarceration. I disagree with this view for several reasons.  
  
First of all, there is not scientific proof that clearly shows the correlation between person's education and the crimes he or she committed. I believe that, given the circumstances and the right conditions, everyone educated or not is capable of committing crime. Furthermore, first-degree felonies must be punished exclusively by imprisonment because these people are a danger to society.  
  
The fact that punishment should follow crime is another reason why a better education is not a better solution to crime. Education would simply be considered as a reward and more crime would follow. It is the fear of imprisonment that in most cases keeps people from conducting criminal activities. It is for this reason that various times are set for criminals to serve in the prison. During this time, convicted people have a chance to reevaluate the wrong they have done in the past and redeem themselves.  
  
Moreover, prisons nowadays are well-equipped with infrastructure, such as libraries, for example. Therefore, if convicted wish to improve their education, they can always find an access to various educational resources. With the development of technology and internet, they can even attend universities through an online distance-learning.  
  
In conclusion, although an education could be seen as a better alternative to incarceration, I believe criminals can only be corrected through the means of imprisonment. In such way, public would be more safe, and convicted would be more prepared to enter the society. Therefore, imprisonment is a better solution to crime than education.
grammar issues:  
  
... there is **no** scientific proof ... between **a** person's ...  
  
... committing **a** crime  
  
they can always find ~~an~~ **access** to ...  
  
... technology and **the** internet, ... through ~~an~~ online ...  
  
..., public would be **safer,** and convicted ... to enter ~~the~~ society.  
  
And in paragraph one, the essay architecture should be introduced.
You forgot to indicate the strength of your opinion in the essay. Remember, the keyword in the original instruction is "extent". That requires you to use a measured response that shows an emotional capacity to support or not support a given statement. Some measurement words you can use are "Fully, totally, partially, equally, great extent", among others. Save for that missing response element, you did a good job in rephrasing the discussion for the examiner.  
  
You gave a coherent, discussion. However, you still had problems with sentence formation and vocabulary usage at certain points. I hope to see you improving in these aspects moving forward. By the way, in the conclusion, you restated your stand twice. You only need to state that once. The last sentence could always be a restatement of the original discussion topic. Use the following format when you can:  
  
- restate the topic  
- indicate your stance  
- formulate the reasoning summary in a concluding sentence manner.
## comparison of two school subjects

  
  
TOPIC :  
*Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world , subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
MY ESSAY : (This is the first time I've written an IELTS WRITING TASK 2. Hope you guys give me my band score for this essay and some advice for the next time. Thank you so much! )  
  
In the eyes of some people, History is one of the most necessary school subjects. Otherwise, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History in today's world. In fact, both these views have a great deal of true points.  
  
First and foremost, we know History is one of the most important school subjects now. In History,we have learnt about legendary heroes, who fighted for peach and independence. Famous revolutions, dynasties have been learnt in History. History likes a bridge , which connect young generation to the past. Besides students learn about History, they also focus on good qualites from  
  
ancestor, such as honesty, respect ,kind,... That's the reason why History is known as the most important school subjects. We can't deny the important of History in our life.  
  
Secondly , Science and Technology are compulsory subjects at school. We learn about theory, numbers and statisty. When you want to apply for a scolarship to study abroad, you have to do a test which called SAT. It's a test for Math skills, so Science is really important. If you want to study oversea and work with modern technology, you must study Technology well. They are help us develop our mind and get a bright future. If you study well two subjects, you will establish positive energy in your brain and you will become more active in some difficult circumstances.  
  
In conclusion, both these views are true. We learn History for our soul , to keep our memories from the past. Besides, we learn Science and Technology for our brain, to get more knowledge. Both these views are true and we should follow them to improve ourshelf in the future.  
  
280 words
I think you might get a band 5.5 or 6 for this essay. (actually I'm not sure for that)  
But here are my suggestions:  
1. Link sentences  
Some of your sentences are quite like you want to expand the number of words. For example, you can merge these sentences into one: "In History,we have learnt about legendary heroes, who fighted for peach and independence. Famous revolutions, dynasties have been learnt in History." It will make your essay easier for readers (and examiners of course) to follow your ideas.  
  
2. Vocabulary and Grammar  
Your vocab is good, but there are some mistakes like the word "statisty".  
You also made some grammatical mistakes like "They are help us...". Remember to recheck your work next time!  
I also suggest you use more diverse grammatical structures such as "Clause, Verb-ing", which or any other wh- words, etc. It will lengthen your sentences and make them more coherent!  
  
Hope you improve next time.
There are some problems with grammar.  
Both of...not both these views...  
Also "we know that history is...". Also, I would argue that history is one of the most important school subjects. Not everywhere at least.  
The past tense for "fight" is fought, not fighted.  
Also, you wrote peach, I believe you meant "peace". Must be a typo.  
History likes a bridge , which connect (should be connects).  
Maybe you should put your text in the word document, and do an autocorrect, as there are a number of grammatical mistakes. You might want to fix them.
The essay failed to fulfill the Task Accuracy requirements in the first paragraph. You did not properly restate the topic and discussion instructions. You instead went immediately into a discussion of the topic, without informing the reader about the outline presentation for the discussion, through your prompt paraphrase. You could have done it this way instead:  
  
*The educational institutions often give extra attention to the study of History. However, these days, members of the population believe that Science and Technology prove to be more crucial to modern day studies. This essay will consider the discussion of sides so that I may ponder a personal opinion presentation in the end.*  
  
Spelling errors abound in this presentation. Far too many for me to correct in a simple post. Learn to use spellcheck when typing into the Word program. A red line indicates a possible misspelled word. Remember the correct spelling from there. You were so careless with your typing that you did not even try to be careful when typing. You neglected to place a space between words a few times, which made the essay difficult to read. Your English vocabulary in this essay is so bad, it is not going to receive a passing LR or C&C score. Your sentence structures are so problematic, you will definitely get a failing score in the GRA section. This is not a passing score essay at all. I strongly urge you to do sentence structure exercises before you even try to write another practice essay. That is necessary to help you gain an overall better score in your succeeding practice tests. Become proficient in English writing first. Right now, you are at the beginner level, you need to be at least intermediate in the writing level to be able to score better in the future.  
  
It is because of the intricate and analytical procedure involved in scoring that students are not allowed to score each other at this forum. As a trained contributor, I do not want to give false information and false hope to the students who want to truly learn how to write a good essay. The job of scoring is exclusive to the contributor, who is trained to examine an essay's strength and weaknesses in relation to scoring considerations. Do not believe the scores given by fellow students. It is the most inaccurate review you can get from them.  
  
Do not use special punctuation marks such as ellipses (...) in an academic presentation. Those are word fillers that indicate a continuation of a previous discussion. It was used improperly in this presentation. That is also why it should not be used in a formal academic presentation. The same rules of formality apply to the existence of conjunctions in your essay. It is the formal way to write an academic paper.
***My Essay:***  
  
## coffee and bananas sales numbers

  
  
The table charts show earnings generated by the selling Fairtrade-labelled coffee and bananas in some European markets in 1999 and 2004.  
Overall, the largest quantity of product purchase on coffee and bananas happen in UK and Switzerland, which generates above 5 million euros in revenue. On the other hand, the Denmark, Belgium and Sweden market makes lower profits.  
  
Out of the five countries, consumer spending on coffees was noticeably higher in the UK at 20 million euros and in Switzerland at 6 million euros in 2004. Concerning the banana consumption, the most important market is Switzerland at 15 and 47 million euros (in 1999 and 2004 respectively), which is followed by the UK generating income of 5.5 million euros in 2004.  
  
It can be seen that Belgian consumed least on the banana as it spent only 600,000 euros on it in 1999, while Danish expended only 900,000 euros for the native tropical Asian fruit. As for coffees, a drink derived from dark brown powder with a strong flavour and smell, don't seem to attract Swedes much as they only pay 800,000 and 1 million euros (in 1999 and 2004, respectively) for it.  
  
* 
*
Aside from the lack of past tense usage, you should also look into the way that you present the discussions. When you are dealing with 2 charts portraying 2 different products, do the comparison by group. That means you will be able to present a clearer comparison of the coffee consumption and earnings in one paragraph. By using related discussions you will be able to present a highly cohesive and coherent paragraph. You will also not miss any important data within the presentation.  
  
The first paragraph, the summary overview could have used an extra sentence to help better present the summary of information. Avoid lumping 2 sets of information in one sentence. That is considered a run on and will deduct from your C&C score. Also, never use information in a parenthesis in your presentation. Academic essays require full sentence presentations as a part of the main paragraph. It is never mentioned as an afterthought, which is what the parenthesis means. The parenthesis indicates related, but unimportant information. There is no such data in a Task 1 essay.
## an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities

  
  
Please look at my essay below. I really appreciate your help.  
  
The given diagrams compare the layout of an island as it is earlier, with the development of its infrastructure after that for tourism.  
It is clear that the island experiences dramatic refurbishments in order to meet its tourism potential. The main differences are that there are many new amenities will be built such as a new pier, a reception house, a new restaurant and housing.  
  
Looking into the maps in more detail, we can see that there is a new pier will be constructed to welcome the visitors as they come to island from the boats. In addition, a new reception house is located in the middle of the island within a ring vehicle track, together the vehicle track will also run from the pier in the south through the reception area to go to the restaurant which is situated in the south of island.  
  
As well as the changes mentioned above, a further development includes the installation of the accommodation toward on the both of west and east side of the reception house for the tourists staying on island. Finally, the accommodation is connected to each other and to reception area by foot path and foot path also leads the visitors to the beach on the west where they can swim after being renovated  
  
*
The changes have already taken place. Therefore, you should not be using present tense in this essay. The changes are not currently happening. It has already happened. The past tense is the best form of time reference for your presentation. Your essay lacks a description of the original island map. Without it, the changes you have presented do not make too much sense. You needed to explain what the island looked like before so that you could make proper comparisons where relevant while discussing the changes that were implemented. That is why the paragraph comparisons are not accurate enough. You need to present before and after information. For example:  
  
*The original island was only composed of Palm trees with an undeveloped beach. The whole island was measured to be 100 meters from the sea on all fronts. Based on this set-up, the island was developed to be more tourist friendly. The island was developed and amenities were provided for guests. Overall, the island underwent significant changes after the renovation was completed.*
## **Describe a line chart**:

  
  
The line chart shows how many people visit to five nations in a fifteen-year period of time. In overall, the USA attracted tourists most whereas the number of people visit to Egypt and Brazil are low  
  
At the beginning of the period, 70 million people spent their holiday in the USA which is higher about eight times, compared to the number of people visited to Egypt and Brazil. In two countries, namely France and Malaysia, the number of tourists are in a medium level, which are over 30 and 20 million respectively. The order still remained unchanged in 2000 with a slight increase in all the nations, except France. It witnessed a steep a growth from over 30 to 60 million people who stayed in France for their vacation.  
  
The number of people came to these nations has been rising gradually and the USA as well as France were the most attractive nations. Brazil and Egypt were less lure than Malaysia when there were over 10 million people come to these nations. In the last year, it was a reverse increase in the USA and France. France had a rapid growth with over 80 million visitors. While there was a slightly increase in the number of tourists in Brazil and Egypt, Malaysia attracts nearly three times with over 30 million travelers  
  
*
The summary overview is incomplete. It does not mention the measurement factor (in the millions). The trending statement was left as an open sentence as you failed to use a period at the end to indicate the close of the sentence. Do not use words of uncertainty and measurement assumptions in an essay that directly provides numerical data. You can only use the assumption presentation for graphs that do not indicate actual measurements or for measurements that fall between two numerical representations. Travelers is spelled with a double L (travellers). You also forgot to use a comma after an adverbial (million, respectively). I have to call your attention to the word count. 217 words for a task 1 essay is too much. You need to stop at the 200 mark so that you will have editing time within the 20 minute task. It is not enough to just complete the writing. It is more important to make sure that your essay meets all of the grading requirements so you can achieve the best score for your work. That is done by leaving an editing time of 5 minutes towards the end. So you 5 minutes to outline, 10 minutes to write, and 5 minutes to edit, revise, and finalize the copy.
Hello.  
First, thank you for using your time to correct our essays.  
This essay is for TOEFL exam, task#2.  
  
## the influence of young people on the society

  
  
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people nowadays, have no influence on important decisions that determine the future of society.  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.  
  
There is a discussion these days regarding whether or not the determination of important decisions in our society is not influenced by young citizens, and officials do not take their opinions seriously because they do not believe in their role. I find myself in disagreement with this point of view for several reasons.  
  
The first reason why I believe young people have a big influence on important decisions is that they are skillful and they have enough background. Schools and universities offer governmental classes to their scholars to improve their understanding of problems in local society. When youth people attend these educational programs, they will learn how to use these skills to express their opinions, to find solutions, and to influence people. For example, last year there was a mass shooting in a high school in Florida. It was a big tragedy because 25 people were killed between students and teachers. Some students arranged a big convention to protest and to speak about their refuse to hold guns in American schools. They were well-prepared for this event by using what they got in one of study curriculum. As a result, Florida State prohibited any student from having a gun or weapon in schools and other educational facilities.  
  
The second reason why I think young people have a big influence on the important decisions in the country is that they use technology. The advances in technology and the internet provide new platforms for these youth to express their beliefs and to influence the surroundings. To be more precise, social media, such as Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, allows them to record videos and to do life speech. These websites offer a big opportunity for some young to become influencers or bloggers. Millions of people follow them and they appreciate their beliefs and what they say, and we can see clearly that many presidential candidates depend on these speakers change the public minds and convince them to vote for one candidate, but not for others.  
  
In conclusion, the influence of young people on the society has been increased gradually within the last two decades. Even though some advocates believe that youth can not impact any official decision in their community, I totally refute this belief. They have a big role in their society because they are well-educated and they have the opportunity to speak up by using social media.
There is evidence of researched material in the presentation, which means you would not be able to write this well based on practical experience, reasons, and examples. Research is not an option during the actual test so don't do that during the practice rounds.  
  
When you presented the example in this essay, you should have used a stand alone paragraph for that. The reason being that the example tells a story that is supportive of the information you presented but deals with a totally different subject. Therefore, it is the second part of the explanation. Hence, a different paragraph.  
  
I am not sure why you felt the need to deviate from the original discussion topic in your prompt paraphrase. There was no need to involve the officials in the presentation because they were not mentioned in the original statement. Do not add any data that cannot be supported by the original prompt in the paraphrase.
***Some people think that government should not give international aid since they have disadvantages people like unemployment and homeless in their own country.  
## To what extent do u you agree or disagree?***  
  
Opinions are divided on whether governments should provide international aid while having unemployed and homeless people in their own countries. I strongly believe that all countries should provide help in any form they can to those countries that are in need of it.  
  
First of all, help should not always come in a monetary form. While developed countries could plan a regular financial support in their annual budget, developing countries could assist with medical or food supplies for impoverished countries. Additionally, regular assistantship could create more governmental jobs for people who would be responsible for implementing such projects. Bringing population's attention to such issues could help build the trust towards the government too.  
  
Furthermore, some impoverished countries could not survive without international aid with children suffering the most. In the case of natural disasters, like earthquakes and tsunamis, all countries should step forward and help the affected countries. Without international aid these countries would burst into more poverty, which would eventually lead to a humanitarian crisis. Strengthening of diplomatic relationships can be named as another advantage of an international aid.  
  
On the other hand, government resources could be aimed to the most vulnerable parts of the society, but, as history shows, unemployed and homeless proportion of the population is always present even in the developed countries. If all countries stop providing aid to the underdeveloped countries, it would create not just economic crisis within that particular country, but also further problems like illegal migration and criminal activities.  
  
In conclusion, I reiterate my opinion that international aid must be obligatory to all countries in any form possible because we are all humans and we must give a helping hand in the time of need.
Your prompt paraphrase is not very clear. That is because you wrote it as a run-on sentence instead of individual sentences. Remember, every paragraph needs to have a minimum of 3 sentences of varying lengths, before it can be considered a complete paragraph. Let me show you a sample of how you could have framed the paraphrase:  
  
*People have been contemplating the way that the state has been contributing financial help to other nations. Since there are indigents in their own country, they believe that overseas aid should not be given. I strongly believe that this stand should be supported for several reasons.*  
  
Separate each topic as presented in the original by giving it a solo sentence. That is how you keep the clarity in your presentation and ensure that it will be easily understood by the reader.  
  
For the conclusion, you should have repeated the original prompt before you repeated your opinion. This serves as the summary of the total discussion so it should contain:  
  
- Original topic  
- Your response  
- The reasons  
- Closing sentence  
  
Again, try to avoid run-on sentences. You want to score well in the GRA plus C&C sections too right?