dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**IELTS Task 1: Shares of expenditures for selected categories in 4 countries, 2009**  
  
## four countries expenditures

  
  
The bar chart gives information for 4 countries (United States, Canada, United Kingdom and Japan) regarding the shares of expenditures on five categories such as food, housing, transportation, health care and clothing in 2009.  
  
It is noticeable that housing expenditure share was the highest cost of categories which United States spent the larger of housing than other countries, at 26%. UK, Japan, and Canada followed on 24%, 22% and 21%. Next, food and transportation categories were in most quite similar. Japan had 23% on food category and it was the biggest proportion than food expenditure rate in other countries between 14% and 20%. In other hand, Briton spend smaller cost of transportation sector than Canadian, American and Japanese, about one in ten.  
  
Standing in contrast, the percentage of health care and clothing was extremely lower than other categories, just around one in twenty. Briton spent approximately 1% on health care sector and it was the lowest proportion in data shown.  
  
*   
*Bar Chart*
Lisa, in order to create the possibility of gaining a higher score in this task, try to write at least 250 words. With that kind of word count, you will be able to show a proper depth of knowledge when it comes to task accuracy, lexical resource, as well as grammar accuracy and range. At the moment, this essay falls short in properly representing your skills in those 3 areas due to the brevity of your report.  
  
Your second paragraph could have been apportioned into 2, with each new paragraph given more development in terms of information presentation. Doing so would have also helped you to better display your English language skills. It is always best to meet the minimum word count required in any essay. That way you get proper consideration in terms of scoring.  
  
You don't need to say more than the bare minimum if you feel your skills are not adequate enough to garner a higher rating. Just aim for the minimum or a little higher than minimum score for your essay in this section of the test.
I am writing my first essay for a college program at Yale. I am a native German speaker, but I do go to an American high school. I'm in desperate need of some feedback on my essay. The prompt is:  
  
**Please describe the activity on your resume or activities list that you think has elicited the most personal growth and why? (200-word limit)**  
  
## "drawing with lights"

  
  
Photography is a method of recording an image on light sensitive objects or paper. The process corresponds to the Greek translation "drawing with lights." Most people will say that taking pictures, looking through a camera is the best part of photography, but I believe the best part is working in the dark room. Enlarging an image, manipulating them and watching it appear is amazing. The process of developing the film to enlarging it has taught me patience in all aspect of my life. In photography, I never truly know if the film was exposed correctly or if the enlarged image will look right, so I need to be patience until the very end. I also learned time management because the deadlines in my photography class are very strict and the process takes a few day. Therefore, I always need to plan out my week depending on what is due when, so nothing is late.
Nina, it would be best if you just mention that your hobby is photography but your personal growth comes from the film developing activity that goes with it. That way you center the essay on the actual growth activity as indicated in the prompt. The explanation that you provided can be developed further using the freed up word space so that the reviewer will get a real idea as to the personal growth that you experience while enjoying the activity of film development. Rather than discussing how you plan out your week depending the due date of a photo at school, present more information as to how time management is more crucial based upon the results that the photographer wants to achieve in his photo presentation. Try to develop the explanations more with regards to patience and time management. The other parts that you presented are not really that important nor revealing in relation to the required presentation.
**Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain main causes and effects of this problem suggest some possible solutions.**  
  
## reasons and effects of obesity among humans

  
  
These days fatness in early age is increasing and it become culmination causes all over the world.It is felt eating junk foods lack of exercise and limited movement are the base precursors of this problem  
  
Firstly, eating fast foods and limited movement are the two most catalyst of obesity  
For example, the majority of children are consuming junk foods such as hamburgers hotdogs which contains unhealthy ingredients. As result,it will be hard to digest and stomach suffer from it In addition children much less active then they used to be.To be more precise in the past children played variety games which burned a significant amount of energy. However,today most of children spend their time indoors sitting computers and playing video games.They don not have opportunity to utilize the calories which they are taking As consequence it leading to obesity. Also they do not do any kind of sports which can help them to be fit and healthy.  
  
The major effects of this are negative.As evidence approximately 10000 of children get this disease from early age. Moreover, fatness can lead to a high risk of health disease such as diabetes heart attack as well as cancer.  
  
To tackle with this issue parents and government should take responsibility to reduce this problem. In other words parents must control what they are eat and give them healthy nutrition foods.Besides, government should limit junk food advertising which hopefully lead to decline obesity illness.  
  
Following this look at the cause and effects of childhood obesity. It is felt government and parents must ensure steps are taken to prevent this problem for deteriorating further.
Suxrob, I can't even begin to think about which problem to present first with regards to your essay. It is simply too riddled with errors from the prompt paraphrasing, word use, punctuation problems...This essay would not get a passing grade in an actual setting. In fact, the work that you did was is so bad, I dare not score you on any aspect for fear of affecting your mindset. Review your essay, the first problem that will pop into your sight will be the lack of punctuation marks in a majority of your sentences. There are definitely missing periods and commas which could have helped to arrange the thought process being presented. Next, always use the correct keywords from the prompt when you develop your work. Therefore, it is wrong to say fatness because being fat is different from being obese. The correct term to use in this essay is "obese", not "fat". There is no clear progression in your presented thought process, the sentence lack coherence in most paragraphs, which had a direct effect on the cohesiveness of your work. Overall, this essay is sloppy, does not show a clear understanding of the prompt, and fails to show a proper English thought process. You have to be more careful when you develop your sentences and at least aim to get a good grammar range and accuracy score. Make sure that you understand the prompt when you try to paraphrase it in the opening statement. Most importantly, develop a logical discussion of your essay target points whenever possible. Right now, this essay is not going to work to your benefit even as a practice test.
hi @SuXrOb, I hope that you are not giving up to practice writing, the first problem that you should deal with is about punctuation. You need to add some punctuation properly. Next, some errors particularly in grammar need more attention. Then, in writing IELTS, it requires to put clear ideas in each paragraph. Therefore, your supporting ideas can be developed. I suggest you to read more about IELTS examples in writing task 2 in which they can help you to build your coherent ideas.
Payal, the strongest opposing argument that most parents have in support of free university education has not been addressed in your essay. I am thinking that you either forgot that argument or you are not familiar with it. I speak of the argument that indicates "I pay taxes to the government for privileges that include the free education of my child. Therefore, my child should attend a university for free. I have already paid for the privilege". How would you defend your stance in opposition that the aforementioned argument? Keep in mind that tax money goes to the free education in government owned secondary and tertiary educational institutions. Therefore, there is a logic to the argument that the parents pre-paid for the privilege of free education. Consider the background of government budgeting and the role that it plays in the free education debate. Keep in mind that parents would prefer that the college education of their children come from their tax money. That is why most of the college students from families that cannot afford to pay for college often seek admission to government schools instead.
@holt.I guess there are 2 sides of a coin, in the essay I have to take one stance and justify it while mentioning, that providing free education is also required.  
  
I believe GRE essays are rated on how you justify your claims. From your feedback it seems there is only one stance I could have taken that free education should be provided because tax payers would want that.  
  
If I am not in agreement for free education why I should include this argument in my essay which will weaken my position.
Question : **Some people think the air travel should be restricted because it causes environment pollution. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and relevant example.**  
  
## Air travel pros and cons

  
  
Air travel; although a dream travel for many people, is prevalent world wide now a days. It has a great contribution towards globalization and has made possible for people to travel to any destination but, at the same time comes with negative repercussions like global warming and extensive usage of non - renewable resources. If we discuss restriction of air travel, I totally disagree with this idea and would share my opinions in the following passages.  
  
Collaboration among countries for development and business exchange has gone to such a high level and this has become possible only after advent of extensive air travel options. for instance, USA being the center of all operations and people from rest of world keep travelling. Considering the distances between USA and India, it is impossible to travel by bus or ship. Shipping of products is also being done via air mode which saves lot of time and money.  
  
I would consider another example of exporting Alphonso mangoes to various part of world; major percentage would be rotten if shipped by water transport and many countries would not even order. Change is permanent; we cannot survive with older ways if keep aspirations to become advance and grow.  
  
In another important circumstances air travel is savior and that is air ambulance. In recent past, a news hit the newspaper that a human lever was transported quickly to another city and saved a life which would not been possible by road travel  
  
Definitely, it is impossible to invent something with any negative impact and so is travel by air. Global warming and fer of exhaustion of expensive resources are obvious examples. Restricting air travel completely can never be an option but governments from different countries come up together can keep a check on over use of this. For instance, every individual especially in a developing country has this listed in her bucket list to travel in a plane however, opulent business executives travel by air even for short distances. This has become status symbol for many. How can this be reduced is altogether a different topic and certainly not easy.  
  
In nut shell, in my opinion, governments should take some actions to reduce the environmental issues and individuals should do a bit from their side too. Air travel is an important part of our lives to survive in modern era and cannot be restricted in most of the cases.
Suman, the prompt specifically asks you to discuss environmental pollution as one of the reasons as to why air travel should be restricted. It is important that the major facts that you present in your paraphrased statement use keywords from the original prompt in order to prove that you understand the question and that you will be discussing it along the lines dictated by the prompt. Therefore, when you presented the discussion of global warming and non-renewable resources instead of environmental pollution, you immediately changed the topic discussion for the prompt, which indicates that you did not understand the prompt requirements. This in turn, will result in a low to failing score in the task accuracy portion of the band score since you displayed reasons for the examiner to believe that you did not understand the prompt. Your essay will not score well in the overall scoring because the words that you use tend to be confusing which in turn confuses the reader regarding the discussion that you are presenting and the opinions that you have. It causes stress which will also result in an overall low score in terms of the remaining band criteria. I don't think that you can get a score higher than 3 or 4 in the overall scoring process for the aforementioned reasons.
Shivam, I might be wrong here but I believe that your argument is flawed because it fails to consider a main component of college education that has been in effect ever since the concept of college education was implemented. All courses in college, be it a vocational school or a professional school have their students take exams. The exams are given in order to give the student an idea as to whether or not he will be successful in his chosen field. Therefore, academic institutions have, through unspoken law, been mandated to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study where they are unlikely to succeed.  
  
*In your essay, you ask ; The question arises that who will judge the likelihood of students becoming successful in a particular field? Who will give authority ...*  
  
The response to your question is obvious. Educational institutions hire teachers who are trained to spot students who will succeed in their field of study. This is done through the exam assessments and grading system. These are the tools by which college professors or vocational instructors indirectly dissuade the student from pursuing a field of study where they may not be successful. These are the reasons as to why your argument is flawed.  
  
By the way, Col. Sanders has academic training from La Salle Extension University where he studied Law by correspondence. Unfortunately, his university was legally declared as not having the requisites to consider itself a real university. Therefore, this is not the strongest example to use in this essay. It opens your discussion to further question and creates obvious flaws in your arguments.
@Holt  
Thanks Holt! I considered some universities in Indian education system that provide education solely on the basis of marks achieved in school. Well, now I can feel that most of the universities have an entrance examination. But I feel even GRE considers the college percentage, but since the curriculum followed is not similar they might need to normalize the scores. I think I need to look at the counter arguments also before I start writing my essay. Thank you so much for this feedback.  
  
If possible could you also provide feedback on my control on the language?
Shivam, assuming that the student has the requisite grade to take the entrance exam for the field of study that he is interested in, he will end up being admitted to the university for that field of study. However, passing the entrance exam is not the most solid reference to analyze the potential of a student to succeed in the field of study. Remember, one can pass the entrance exam but fail to pass the requisite classes for his course of study. Therefore, he will not be considered as a student who can potentially succeed in his line of interest. The entrance exam could be passed by a student since that is normally just an IQ test. It is when the student is already enrolled in his major that the proper analysis for his potential to succeed can be made.  
  
With reference to your Grammar and Usage, I don't think you have too much to worry about. I would score you anywhere between a 4 and 5 in that section specifically since there are still a number of problems with your thought development and presentation. However, those flaws are not enough to reduce the impact or comprehension of your discussion. You should improve in those sections over time.
***People's behavior is largely determined by forces not of their own making.  
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.***  
  
## the environment around largely determines our behaviour

  
  
There is a famous saying that our personality is the average of the five people with whom we spend most of our time. Forces and external influence have a very powerful impact which in turn shape a person's behaviour. Though people think that their ideas and actions are the results of their will, mostly they are a product of powers that are not of their making. I completely agree with this statement because of the reasons that will follow this passage.  
  
Some of our conscious actions and thoughts are a product of our subconscious mind which represents a fundamental idea behind psychoanalysis and Sigmund Freud's work. In Psychoanalysis, patients try to make their subconscious thoughts conscious. A lot of experiences of our childhood, on which we have no control, shape our nature and behaviour. The behaviour of many people, who had suffered trauma during their childhood, are influenced by these traumatic events. The idea is not just related to trauma, but our upbringing also creates us in a way that is different than everyone else. There is a whole range of study in psychoanalysis and psychology that shows that how our behaviour is influenced by external factors over which we have no control.  
  
In the famous psychological experiment 'The Stanford Prison Experiment', prisoners and guards became so absorbed in their roles that they forgot their original identities. In just under 2 weeks, prisoners started to doubt their own existence; they forgot their names and started considering themselves as mere numbers provided by the guards. Guards, who had a lot of power over prisoners, completely altered their personalities and started to enjoy the power of the prisoners. After the experiment was over, both guards and prisoners could not realise what had happened to them. This experiment bolsters the claim presented in the statement, as only within two weeks the behaviour of the participants changed completely. This experiment shows that we have very little control over our behaviour, and external forces can completely alter it.  
  
There have been many claims of free-will and that one can shape her behaviour. It is possible to some extent to study patterns in our behaviour and after the diligent and arduous effort, we can change the way we behave. But this will require indomitable will power, years of effort both physical and mental. Many leaders in the history had controlled their behaviour; people like Buddha, Gandhi had a lot of control on their actions and thoughts. But to become one of them is easier said than done.  
  
In the end, it seems most important for the people to understand that the environment around them largely determines their behaviour.
Shivam, you could probably score a 5 using this written work in the GRE. You show a clear understanding of the discussion offered and managed to create a clear explanation using proper examples to help support your position. The Stanford Experiment reference is a very good one to use in this essay at it strongly represents an actual application of your position. However, for the sake of the readers who may not be familiar with the experiment, a quick summary of the study should have been provided in order to better illustrate your point.  
  
The weakest point of your essay, from my point of view, relates to your use of Buddha and Gandhi as further supporting examples for your claims. In order to determine that these two actually had full control over their behavior, you should have cited instances that could have presented that claim as a fact. Remember, one is a God and the other is a hero. Both were influenced by their surroundings just the same. As such, they were both influenced by their surroundings and forces not of their making. Therefore, to say that they were in full control of their behavior may be an incorrect assumption.
@shiv\_riky  
Hi there. As Holt said, you do have a strong essay and I agree with her recommendations.  
  
I would also like to make my own comments about some grammar mistakes.  
  
... patterns in our behaviour ~~and~~ after the diligent and ... -- you may remove the word "and" and make these two phrases separate sentences to avoid redundancy.  
  
~~But~~ this will require indomitable will ... - you should also avoid starting your sentence with the word but. I believe that without that word, the sentence is good enough to stand on its own.
@Holt  
@notmargaux  
  
Thank you, for the advice. I understand I was not able to convey my message from the 4th paragraph on Gandhi and Buddha. What I intend to say was that if a person put in the effort he can control his behaviour and his character, but it will require a lot of work which can sometimes take a whole lifetime to succeed.  
  
@Holt My argument in 4th paragraph is not correct and thanks for highlighting it. I would also like to add that Buddha was also a human being, but we can call him an enlightened human being. He himself denounced people calling him 'God'.