dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Holt  
This is my very first time asking question in this forum. Thank you for your helpful answer. I learnt a lot from your idea.  
  
I just attached a image which is the full question. I prefer writing one-sentence introduction, so please correct my answer. Thank you for your kindness!!!  
  
Allocated is the chart revealing how many workers on the average have commuted everyday by three different means of transport, namely car, bus and train over the course of 60 years starting in 1970 in the United Kingdom.  
  
*
Thao, I have already corrected your one sentence opening statement in my previous thread. So I will not be giving you a second example in this response. However, I will caution you against continuing your preferred since sentence opening statement. The IELTS test requires a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5 per paragraph. That is how your English comprehension, sentence development, and written abilities are scored. So even while you prefer to write only single sentence for the introduction, you should not do it. That will immediately lower your overall score and could result in your failing the exam. By the way, this is your final free advice for this thread. I will not be responding to you anymore regarding your work in this section. If you feel that you need to continue this discussion with me, sign up for the Urgent thread where I can continue to discuss this essay with you.
## Are dinosaurs endotherms or not?

  
  
The lecture talks about the problems with theories presented in the passage which tries to explain that dinosaurs are endotherms. It gives several facts and details, with which the theories are inconsistent.  
  
First, the lecture does not believe that only endotherms can live in the polar regions because of their ability to maintain their own body temperature, thus dinosaurs fossil found in Polar Regions indicates they belong to endotherms. That is because the climate of the period when dinosaurs lived in Polar Regions is warmer than nowadays so that the dinosaurs would not be bothered with cold climates. What's more, even during the cold period, the dinosaurs could migrate to other regions or hibernate like other reptiles do. Therefore, living in Polar Regions could not prove that dinosaurs are endotherms.  
  
Second, even though the reading passage suggests that endotherms have their legs under their body in order to sustain agile physical activity, so the fact that the dinosaurs' legs are positioned underneath their body suggests they are endotherms, the professor argues in the lecture that the reason why the dinosaurs' legs under their body is to add their own weight, rather than supporting activities like running. That is because the bigger a dinosaur can grow, the stronger power it would appear, which means the dinosaurs had no needs to run. Obviously, the professor's argument contradicts its counterpart in the reading.  
  
Third, although many dinosaur bones do have Haversian canal like most of the endotherms , it doesn't prove that the dinosaurs were not always rapidly growing, whereas that fact that the growth rings which the dinosaurs have confirms the frequent fluctuating growing pace of the dinosaurs which is consistent with the characteristic of non-endotherm animals. It is claimed that dinosaurs stopped growing or grew slowly when the climates were cooler, while true endotherms keep growing rapidly a whole year-round.
Shunan, where is the link for the audio file of this lecture? I presume it is an audio file? Regardless, you should have included the link to the topic being discussed so that I can listen to it and compare the information that you have presented. I cannot accurately determine the validity of your discussion without that reference. You should have also submitted a copy of the prompt requirement, if any, that was provided to you for our reference as well. At this point, the discussion that you present is good and makes sense. However, I am unable to determine if this is the accurate way to discuss this topic. I am now questioning why you are contradicting the information that was provided instead of merely summarizing it, as it the norm with these types of TOEFL tests. I need to have additional information from you regarding this discussion before I can accurately give more relevant comments regarding the work that you did.
Shunan, the summary that you wrote is acceptable if it is to be based upon the content of the audio file / transcript that you provided. The only problem I have with your presentation is that it has a highly mechanical feel to it. While I know that you had to take notes during the time you were listening to the audio file, that does not mean that your presentation had to be in the direct tone that the audio file provided. The essay requires a more engaging tone coming from you, as the listener and summary presentor, The tone that you use and the interesting presentation of the discussion would show that you did more than just take notes during the playing of the file, it would have proven that you were actually listening and engaged in the analytical thought process related to consideration the two sides of the discussion. That said, this was an excellent effort on your part. Try to work on creating a more interest manner of writing these summary essays in your next practice sessions. It is important that you somehow convey the idea that you weren't just taking notes all this time. You have to show an interest and ability to analyze the information on another level. I guess the score for this essay would be somewhere within the 5 range in an actual setting.
M, this is another 5 score essay on your part. The main problem that you have with your writing is that you hold back when it comes to offering an insight into your personal experience/s regarding the topic being discussed. That happened twice in this essay. First you discussed the lessons you learned about in the textbook. Then failed to discuss how you learned from the practical applications of the theories you gained from the academic teaching of the book. Your reference to Exchange City suffers from the same problem. If you are to successfully argue the validity of a balanced value between experiential and academic learning, then you must clearly show how this has applied to your learning in real life. Your references are sound. It is just that your personal experience is under developed when that should be the most developed part since you are speaking of a time when you underwent the experience discussed. It should have been the strongest part of the essay. Such strong personal evidence or convictions would help to increase your score to a 6. There are no grammar problems, only discussion presentation problems in your work.
## protect the wildlife means protect ourselves

  
  
Zoos are often seen as important but poor alternatives to allowing animals to remain in their natural environmentm. Discuss the advangtages and disadvantages of keeping animals in captivity and then give your opinion.  
  
It is plausible that zoos has given the nature several positive impacts by preserve animals in capivity. On the other hand, it is argubly desperately condemned that some inevitable consequences cause the animals's aptitude and attitude changing compared to their natural kind in the artificial territories. However, I am strongly convinced that zoos is the most esseintial security system for the wild life.  
  
First of all, some negative affects are calling our name worldwide. Animals's natural proliferation beyonded all the dispute will be limited and the zoos certainly to take the most significant responsibilities of the animal's losing their elemental behaviours. For instance, recent studies has indicaed that the animals are getting more and more tedious and regaredless to the others. It leads to a predictable consequence that zoo qualities are worsen day by day.  
  
Despite of the terrible influencesn, the reality that animals are traumatically endangered by the illegal hunting while there are no really efficient approaches has been set-up by the gorvenment therefore reduce the biodiversity. Hence, zoos are playing a unreplaceable role in the animals conservation, with the main aim to protect fauna from the brutal deeds. Futhermore, economically speaking, zoos have contributed an paramount prominent globally in nations's economy especially african countries with the prestigious paremeters.  
  
In conclusion, I particiularly agree with the statement that zoos are necessary for the human race in order to preservate animals because species interact each other. As a true result, protect the wildlife is protect ourselves.
Hoang, since this is the very first essay that you have written for the IELTS practice test, I will give an allowance for the problems in your writing. For starters, the presentation of your ideas lack coherence. It is difficult to understand your statements in every paragraph due to the problematic grammar and sentence development. This causes stress on the part of the reader because I am unable to immediately understand what it is that you are trying to say. This is an English expression problem, meaning you have difficulty when expressing yourself in English.  
  
Another problem with your essay is the format in which you wrote the essay. Rather than giving a stand alone opinion, supported by your own thoughts, concerns, experiences, or examples, you simply agreed with the previous statements that you made in the essay. The essay clearly indicates that you are supposed to deliver an opinion of your own, not a simple agreement. You have to defend your agreement in the form of an opinion statement.  
  
These major problems with your essay development and presentation limited the probable score of your work to a 4 in the band score range. While it may be difficult for you to get started in improving your scores, just keep on writing. You will improve your score without even noticing it. The improvement of your score depends upon how you develop in your practice tests.
My first TOEFL indepentdent writing training.  
  
**A new restaurant may be built in your neighorhood. Support or opposite this plan?**  
  
## A new, substantial service

  
  
The number of the substantial services near a community ia an important target to evaluate the people's living standards who living there. One requirement of these services is that they should be convenient. From this viewpoint, I definitely agree if a restaurant is built in my neighbourhood.  
  
This new comming "neighbour" can make my family and I eat food whenever we want. It's time saving. We won't need to drive a long way to find a restaurant and suffer from the terrible traffic. This will especially benefit my parents because they are a little old for long time driving. Also, if my family getting familiar with people who are working in this restaurant near my home,they are more likely to take care of my parents when I am working. And they will fulfill my tastes and other demands. Thus they will serve me better than those restaurants far away from my house.  
  
Apart from the benifits to my family, this resaurant can taken as a good social place. Because my neighbours will eat there, I can always meet them outside my house. Sharing happiness and making friends with new neighbours. We may have same interests on what's happenning in our community. If anyone needs help, I can give a hand.  
  
Although this restaurant may make noise and smoke, as long as it obey the related regulations, I will accept it as my new 'neighbour'.
Lei, you can get a score around 3 on this essay due to a number of problems that have been presented in the essay. For starters, you need to pay more attention to your English spelling. While you are doing your practice tests in a word document, be aware of the red lines that appear under a word. The red line indicates a misspelled word that needs to be corrected. You have numerous wrongly spelled words in the essay such as "comming" (coming) and benifits (benefits). Since spelling is one of the major scoring considerations, you need to make sure that you do not have any mistakes in that area. You also need to develop better English sentence structures for the sake of grammar range and accuracy. You have simple sentences in the essay that are not properly developed, these obscure the meaning of your words and usually results in a misunderstanding or lack of understanding of your statement. While you do have problems with the essay development and presentation, your line of reasoning is good, acceptable, and portrays a clear understanding of the prompt requirements. Good job on that part. If the other 2 sections had only been better, this essay could have easily been a 4.
**Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.  
  
*Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
## investigating people

  
  
Hitherto, the way to investigate people (by sound and image) gets easier by utilizing advanced technology such as wiretapping and camera recording. This will lead drawback for recording persons because they are not aware of such treatment, which will uncover their own privacy. However, I believe advantage outweigh disadvantage because in many cases this condition frequently reveals criminal activity.  
  
Monitoring individuals while they perform such action will disrupt their private area, even without their knowledgeable. Due to the reason that persons have their own rights to undergo their lives without any disturbance from others, these persons are able to report who monitor them that take for granted any permissions because numerous countries have decided regulations toward human rights and personal matters. Therefore, it may end up with human right violation that should be retaliated by imprisoning.  
  
Having said that, surveillance camera or cellphone tracking will divulge hidden offence activities. In many cases, this will truly happen in communities. A 2015 Kompas published that two third corruption cases were revealed by bugging with listening device, which will lead to know who were involved in such illegal actions. According to Sindo News (2014), 24 cases of residence robbing were disclosed by recording of CCTV (closed-circuit television) cameras of houses. Therefore, I am able to say this will benefit for societies and country in such cases of activity to uncover criminal activity.  
  
To conclude, though technology may infringe private area of societies, it will be more positive when it comes to help police to detect invisible crime. To be predicted, it will lead greatly criminal matters to unveil in the future using sophisticated technology. (272 words)
Nur the possible score for this essay is 4. That is because you failed to accurately reflect the prompt requirements in terms of topic for discussion, your opinion on the matter along with supporting popular evidence. Your opening statement did not represent a prompt summary, rather, it represented an immediate discussion of your opinion, without a proper introduction to the topic and outline for the discussion development.  
  
While your popular reasoning is sound, I would like you to stop using researched information, with proper citation in these practice tests. Just use your personal experience or commonly known information. In the exam proper, you will not have access to the internet as the exam center will be locked down to the LAN. Therefore, you should try to improve your practice tests based on the actual exam setting. There is no opportunity for you to use research materials, so don't practice using those non-existent elements in the exam center.
***Hi Nur**, please you review my corrections so that you don't fall in the same mistakes.  
Actually, you can present the paraphrase of the statement well. however, the last sentence in the introductory paragraph confuse readers about what you are gonna explained in the body paragraph. In the first glance, that seemed a minor error. Nevertheless, after I read the whole sentence, it can appear multi-interpretation. Remember that the meaning of the sentence is paramount. You cannot write deliver the vocabulary to describe your mind without prioritizing the meaning.  
  
Turning to your body paragraph, you picked up the disadvantage enough good, but your reason does not relate to that. You are supposed to explain the cause why you said that the device can distrupt the private area, not to review the right of people about the private area. It is enough far from the prompt. In the second body paragraph, I have found a odd sentence. The second sentence broke your flow because that sentence actually can be merge with the first sentence so that it can keep cohesion of your essay.  
  
For the conclusion sentence, avoid adding the other subjek. You explained benefit for the police although you did not mention in the introduction and body paragraph. I remind you that only restate the thesis statement without the other explanation.  
  
Hopefully, those can help more.*  
GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR ACTUAL TEST
Hi @Holt  
thanks for your valuable feedbacks  
  
...your opinion on the ... Your opening statement did not represent a prompt summary, rather, it represented an immediate discussion of your opinion, without a proper introduction to the topic and outline for the discussion development.  
is it not good to combine a prompt sentence to my idea of essay? Virtually, i merge those and i suppose that those including paraphrasing.  
  
.... Therefore, you should try to improve your practice tests based on the actual exam setting. There is no opportunity for you to use research materials, so don't practice using those non-existent elements in the exam center.  
Actually, i try to implement academic writing pattern containing evidence of essay that i suppose is able to improve my score.
The opening statement is meant to always be an overview of the discussion provided, the instructions for discussion, and the outline of the discussion in the essay. You are not advised to include your opinion or any other information in the opening statement because that particular paragraph is not capable of allowing a complete discussion development due to the expected information presentation coming from that section of the essay. The evidence that you are to include in your essay should come from personal experience or popular information. Not from researched material as you did in this essay. I already explained why in my previous thread. I am trying to teach you how to properly write an essay that will help you to get a passing score. I hope you listen to my advice and apply it to your future work.
M, when you discuss these sorts of essays, do not rely on 3rd party information such as an obviously made up discussion with your father about core curriculum classes. It is always more impressive if you are able to relate the topic of discussion directly to your personal experiences. So, the section where you indicated that the core classes would have a use in your future career should have been reversed. It should have indicated that you have had use for the core curriculum classes that you had in the past in certain aspects of your life. For example, your core knowledge of English led to your taking the CLEP. Your classes in Math help you to balance your checkbook, and other similar information. It is because of these shortcomings in your essay that I think you will get somewhere between a 4 and 5 as a score.
Sya, remove paragraph 5 from the essay and call it a final form. This essay has improved in presentation and content since the first one that you wrote. At the moment though, it is running a bit too long. The removal of the paragraph I indicated will keep the discussion development and focus of content strictly on intercultural communication without any paragraph fillers. In paragraph four, replace the word "countries" with "country". Since you are referring to yourself and the country that you came from, you must use the singular form of the word instead of the plural form. In paragraph six, rephrase the second sentence to say " My first year in the United States..." In the last paragraph, you have to make the word "But" lower case and remove the period so that the sentence will connect two different ideas into one sentence, which is the purpose of using the word "but" in a sentence. These revisions will bring the essay into a final usable form for yourself. Congratulations on a job well done.
Hello Suya,  
  
You have written a well-reasoned essay on intercultural communication based on your personal experiences. I think your best example is the situation with the lady in LA who helped you with directions because it is specific and shows your overcoming your shyness and having a good outcome.  
  
You may be able to shorten your essay by consolidating some of your points, as some sentences appear to be restatements of previous ones.  
  
Good luck to you!
M. out of a score of 6, I would be most inclined to give this essay a 4 due to some faulty examples in the essay. One of the major faults is the justification using Silas Marner as an example of a person who turns to money for friendship. The story is unrelated to the prompt since the idea is that social media makes it easier to form friendships these days. The basis of that story is not rooted in modern times and therefore, cannot relate in concept to the prompt expectations. Then, there is the story of the summer you spent with your cousin. The narration falls short of explaining that a lifelong friendship was formed that summer. A presentation of the methods by which you and your cousin keep in touch and can prove that a friendship exists today, even without social media's influence would have been the best example for this essay. Aside from these faults, your essay pretty much hit the marks set for your discussion. Not a bad job if I do say so.
## Solar power usage to transfer water from low level of soil to the countryside

  
  
A presented picture reveals the way water pump works with aid of solar power. Generally speaking, it is clearly seen how solar power cells absorb light from the sun to generate water from underground level to fulfill villagers' needs.  
  
First of all, to transfer water from low level of soil to the countryside, it requires some supporting equipment. They are solar panel photovoltaic cells, DC power from panel, water tank, and bore pump. Material used in this process is mainly solar power from sunlight. In the beginning, solar panel is built next to the immersed-bore pump, which goes down underground after drilling to be well. Afterwards, substantial amount of light is captured by the solar cells that are transformed to be electricity through DC power.  
  
Secondly, such converted current will encourage water from the lowest level of well turning up. Water will be gone up to water tank by helping of electricity, which will be flown in to the village. Next, it will be utilized by societies in various necessities. (170 words)  
  
*
@eiriashhar  
OK mistakenly posted only half message first. Here's the full one.  
  
First, Solar powered pump does not generate water, they generate electricity for pump to suck water from ground level (solar power cells absorb light ...).  
  
Second, your way of defining the process is wrong. it requires some supporting equipment. They are solar panel ... Diagrams showing a process aspect are supposed to be explained in a step by step manner. For example, in this case, When subjected to sunlight, the photovoltaic cells in the solar panel generates DC power, which is then used to drive the motor of the bore pump. The pump then sucks water from the underground well which is then collected in a storage tank before distributing it to the village.  
  
There are some conceptional mistakes as well in your essay, such as Solar cells collect light not capture it and DC power is not an equipment but a form of electricity. Hope it helps.