dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@thehowfanned  
  
Hi, I have few observations regarding your essay. Minimize writing long sentences, sometimes it makes your essay difficult to understand. look at the second sentence in the first paragraph- **Nevertheless, I disapprove of ...**.  
  
ANOTHER ONE- **In conclusion, because of the help ...**  
  
Also some words are wrongly used eg.- **Consequently, ample government ...** . Remember whenever your are using words like "consequently", it means your making reference to something that happened .For instance "he was sentence to life imprisonment as a consequence for killing someone.  
  
Also work on your grammer and transition from one paragraph to another.  
  
Goodluck.  
@Norbsidy
## president D.Eisenhower statement

  
  
Please help me review my essay.  
  
*PROMPT: Former U.S president General D.Eisenhower once said, "We succeed only as we identify in life ....a single overriding objective and make all other considerations bend to that one objective." To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write an essay for an audience of educated adults, stating your position. Use logical arguments and specific examples to support your position.*  
  
--------------------------------My Essay----------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I strongly agree with General D. Eisenhower that we succeed only as we identify in life a single overriding objective and make all other considerations bend to that one objective. This will help us to focus and have a sense of direction in our pursuit for success. Also, it will enable us to be masters and leaders in anything we have chosen to pursue in life. It will save time and success will be achieved faster if we identify our purpose and focus on it.  
  
Identifying a particular objective and channeling all our attention towards it will help us to be more focused and have a sense of direction. And this yields success. Been focused helps us to work hard towards a particular goal. Moreover, who wants to mingle with someone who is going nowhere in life?. Thomas Edison who produced the light bulb identified what he wanted to produce and focused all his attention on it. Even after several failed attempts, he was able to produce the light bulb. Today, his name is in the history books as one of the greatest inventors. That is the outcome of identifying a particular goal, focusing on it, and achieving success.  
  
In addition, this will help us to be masters and leaders in anything we have chosen to pursue in life. Do you remember the saying "jack of all trades is a master of none"? We become better and even professionals in a particular thing when we identify it, focused on it, and channel all our considerations towards it. This will not only make us successful but also help us to achieve it at the right time.  
  
We can achieve success faster and time wastage will be avoided if we identify what we want to achieve and make every other considerations bend towards that. A student who identifies his passion to be a teacher will simply make inquiries. After that, he will acquire the right certifications and become a teacher. At this point he has achieved his goal. But someone who is not sure of what he wants, might end up jumping from one career to another. Which will delay him in achieving a particular goal.  
  
In the final analysis, it is vital to identify to identify what we want in life and channel all our considerations towards it in order to achieve success. This will enable us to be focused, become professionals and save time. Remember a "stitch in time saves nine".
@Norbsidy  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the feedback helpful for your writing endeavors.  
  
The first sentence could be sub-divided into two different ones. Bear in mind that clarity is critical, especially if you're working with the first portions of the essay. When you're merely touching the surface to relay the thesis statement of your essay, it is critical to ensure that you do not blur out any details.  
  
Try to not be repetitive as well with your text. Take a look at your second paragraph's first sentences. You were continuously mentioning that the direction leads to a particular goal that is essential for success. Try to encompass these thoughts into a smaller single sentence instead of an intensive block of text.  
  
Bear this in mind throughout your text.
## differences in accommodation types in two countries

  
  
The chart illustrates the household amounts of rented and owned accommodation in two countries England and Wales in a period of 1918 to 2011. There are differences in accommodation types after years while renting was overwhelming in 1918 but replaced by owning by 2011.  
  
The percentage of rented accommodation was the major types of household in 1918, which was nearly 80 percent of total, four folds of owned accommodation. However, this number was not remaining for long and decreased to 50 percent same as the owner's figure in 1971. From this point of time, the number of owning accommodation soared rapidly until it reached the top in 2001 at approximately 70 percent, that was double in comparison with the other. By the end of period in 2011, the gap between two types of accommodation was slightly narrower when the owners declined to 64 percent and the renters climbed to 36 percent.
@vunhanhoa  
Hi there. Next time, it would be beneficial to add the graph that you've analyzed into the given text. This will help us better understand the context that you're working from. Ultimately, our feedback would be more in tune with what's being asked from you.  
  
Aside form that, from what I can tell, you need a bit of assistance when it comes from transitioning between sentences. The second paragraph lacked a bit of push because of the lack of implementation of a proper structured approach. Organizing your text a little bit more goes a long way, especially if you want to integrate more meaning into your writing.  
  
In order to improve the entirety of your text, I recommend that you also focus on providing analysis for your writing. Don't just merely focus on the surface level portrayal of the text.
## traditional newspapers or the new media?

  
  
**Some people think that newspapers are the best way to learn news. However, others believe that they can learn news better through other media. Discuss both views and give your opinion**  
  
Newspapers have been perceived as the optimum way to approach the latest news. However, in the modern world, many people hold the view that getting updated through other media is considerably effective. Although reading traditional newspapers has some benefits, I suppose that electronic sources of news are dominant.  
  
On the one hand, it is undeniable that newspapers' content is guaranteed since it is heavily censored through numerous stages before being broadcast in most cases. Well-trained reporters are responsible for accumulating the most reliable sources to ensure that no misleading information is provided to readers. In addition to that, professional and experienced journalists from prestigious publishers can even satisfy the demands of the most critical individuals by their academic writing styles. By reading printed newspapers, many readers can enhance their reading skills, vocabulary as well as language proficiency.  
  
On the other hand, newer media outlets are apparently superior to conventional newspapers in many aspects. Firstly, with the development of technology, accessible and user-friendly websites have become increasingly prevalent, which enable everyone to get up-to-date information only using a personal computer or smartphone. Secondly, compared to newspapers requiring several days or weeks to be available to public, Internet users and TV watchers become aware of what is happening around the world in a matter of minutes. Finally, diversity is one of the key advantages of social media over traditional newspapers. Online newspapers offer every individual an opportunity to approach various sources of information. Therefore, spectators of modern means of media are provided with comprehensive analysis from multiple perspectives instead of one-way information.  
  
In conclusion, while printed newspapers are advantageous to a certain extent, I firmly believe that television and technologies are better for above-mentioned reasons.  
( 285 words )
@amira11545  
Hello there. Thanks for your continuous support in the site. I hope that you find this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors. Please do keep supporting the platform for more input. If you have any more questions, we'd be more than happy to assist you in the future time.  
  
First and foremost, the first paragraph lacks a bit more detail into it. Although you had laid out the fundamental details that are necessary, you were unable to establish more depth into your writing. What this pertains to is the fact that you still needed to expound, for instance, the second sentence. If you are able to do this, then you would have an enhanced outlook in the entirety of the text.  
  
As for the body paragraphs of your essay, I recommend that you try to make concise your sentences. What this means is trying to cutting down on unnecessary texts. For instance, the second sentence of the second paragraph still needs to be trimmed down. While adjectives are great, they do not fully assist you in building the context of your writing.  
  
What you're primarily lacking on would be the usage of concrete examples. Because you were attempting to incorporate more detail, you had missed out on adding a backbone that'll prove that your arguments are fully in tangent with what is truly concrete in reality. This is critical, especially considering that the text has to be utilized in this manner.
## should scientific research be carried out and controlled by government?

  
  
It is sometimes argued that scientific exploration is carried out and managed by the state is better than private companies. Personally, I completely agree with this view.  
  
there are two reasons why I support the scientific projects of the government. The first reason is scientific research which government took responsibility for, will receive a fund for necessary types of equipment and many related things else to make sure experiments and surveys are carried out in the best condition. The second reason is problems about safety in the process as well as the accuracy of research results. The state and appropriate authorities have to consider carefully possibility in each step of each stage before approving them. this means that projects will be completed by well-known scientists and high-educated staff and the research results are guaranteed. As a result, the capacity of the practical application of scientific research is high.  
  
At the same time, I have some reasons to believe that scientific investigations, which belong to private companies, bring certain risks. Firstly, besides legal private companies, there is a lot of illegal ones which must not work in law so their projects are not permitted. Secondly, the owners of private companies have to balance the expenditure on investment and profit they get so the safety is not the highest priority if research results are published and work on people. For example, the cosmetic industry has been grown rapidly with new private cosmetic companies all over the world. Customers believe that their products, which are advertised widely with thorough preparation in image and content, are very safe and effective. However, after quality investigations of the authorities, lots of mistakes are found especially, the concentration of substances harmful to health.  
  
In conclusion, for the reasons I mentioned above, I strongly believe that scientific explorations should be carried out under the management of the government.
@minhthanh211  
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors as you attempt to improve the overall flow of your writing. You can always keep coming back for more if you wish so.  
  
First and foremost, it would be beneficial if you can balance out the manner in which you explain things in your writing. This pertains to, for instance, having a balanced conclusion and introductory paragraph. Notice how the bulk of your text is dedicated to the body. While there is nothing innately wrong with this, it would be more fruitful if you can try to add more detail into these other two parts as it can assist you in having more dedicated space to explaining things in their entirety.  
  
Having said that, I recommend that you try to simplify your thesis statements. Generally speaking, there's nothing wrong with adding a bit of complexity into your writing. However, what often occurs is that we lose meaning into our writing because we try to compartmentalize all of the written work.
## computer ownership 2002-2010 statistics

  
  
The graphs show us the result of a survey of computer ownership and computer ownership by education level as a percentage of the population between 2002 and 2010.  
  
Generally speaking, there was a slight increase from 2002 to 2010. The percentage of 2010 computer ownership has almost 80 percent, 2010 has the highest percentage of computer ownership while 2002 has only almost 60 percent, that was the smallest percentage of computer ownership between the year of 2002 to 2010.  
  
As is illustrated in the second graph, the Postgraduate qualification has the highest percentage among the 5 levels of education, whether in 2002 (70 percent) or 2010 (90 percent). It is interesting to note that the percentage of Bachelor's degree in 2002 has the same percentage of High school graduate in 2010 (almost 70 percent).  
  
In summary, it is clear that 2010 are more likely to have computer ownership by five education levels.  
  
*
@ashleycyw  
Hi there. I see that you're new here - welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with writing feedback on your essay in order to help you in your writing endeavors.  
  
First and foremost, the second paragraph lacks that critique of the graph. While you were merely describing how things were being reflected in the writing, this portion lacks that sensitivity of showcasing how this translates to a more in-depth analysis. If you can present even a slither of how this translates into the real-world, it would be beneficial for the overall outlook of this essay.  
  
Having said that, I also find that the general feel of your essay is quite informal. I would recommend that you try to keep everything in a formal manner. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. The writing appears to be rather bland because of how the structure is plotted to be. I heavily recommend that you add more punctuation and pauses all throughout. Doing this would enable the readers to have a more enhanced outlook of the writing.
## weak health and no fit

  
  
**The average weight of people today is rising and their levels of health and fitness are declining. What are the causes of these problems? What measures should be taken to solve them?**  
  
In this century, the average weight of people is increasing and the condition of health is getting worse. I think the main cause is the high competition of the society.  
  
People are getting busy every day in this modern society. They usually get up early and come back home late. They spend much time on working, so they do not have much time to do the exercise. Furthermore, because of the highly-developed technology, instant food is common in each shop, such as convenient store and supermarket. People can use the microwave to heat the instant food in a short time. However, there are less vegetable and nutrition in this kind of food. Therefore, this kind of life style is unhealthy.  
  
The best solution for these problems is spending some time on the exercise. For example, we can go home by walking or cycling or go jogging near home after work. Furthermore, we can go swimming to get fitness and go hiking experience fresh air during the weekends and holidays Besides, I think that keep noticing our diet is a recommended method. We can pay more attention to our meal, such as eating more salad and fruit. Eating less sugar and fried food is a recommended solution for making our body healthy.  
  
In conclusion, I think that high stress causes people to have no time to keep eyes on the health and fitness. If we pay more attention on the exercise habit and the content of diet, we can solve the problems.  
  
Please help me with this essay. I appreciate your help.  
Thank you so much!
Hi there, a few suggestions:  
  
1. Briefly mention the measures to be taken, in response to the prompt.  
  
2. Each support sentence in Para. 2 and Para. 3 should be closely relevant to its topic sentence.  
  
For example, in paragraph 3 you noted the significance of a healthy diet. However, the first sentence in this paragraph was "The best solution...", which makes readers expect an entire paragraph dedicated to "exercise". If I were you, I would revise the topic sentence into "To tackle the epidemic of overweight, individuals, despite their busy schedule, need more exercise and a healthier diet." I would then continue with the brilliant ideas you have written about.  
  
3. Use less "we" in academic writings.  
  
Hope this is of help:)
## the impact of ads

  
  
In recently years , advertising is increasing more prevalent in our daily life .It is true that advertisements are great way for business grow up brand image in whatever way advertisements still have impact negative and positive on people.  
  
There is an opinion that advertising provides a number of advantages. On the one hand, advertising play significant role in modern business which bring our companies are closer to customer. A main thing is companies are able to introduction of a new products to customer which help manufactures expand theirs market. At once advertisement keep customer informed about their products and services-various choices. Moreover, advertising campaign provides and creates more employment opportunity for many talent people such as: designers, painters, photographers,... it's one ways creative work for employees . On the other hand, it believe that increasing advertising will impact on customer. It has variety of form advertising among them have advertisement utilize pictures or words not appropriate for children or cause scandalous to aim at fame to label. Beside , advertising may confuse rather than help buyer. A fact that imaging of product usually quite not the same as with advertisements say, depart from the truth make customer waste amount of money for worth thing.  
  
In conclude , I would like to argue that the drawbacks of this modern trend are more significant than the benefits.
## about land erosion worldwide

  
  
This is my ielts writing essay.Can someone help me check it and give me some advices,please?Thank you very much  
This is the link of the charts :  
scontent.fhph1-2.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.15752-9/68525170\_447674379152557\_5758648840026587136\_n.jpg?\_nc\_cat=101&\_nc\_oc=AQlflSzIPs0fspMvoD0DfMoLY9PH3Xa6h68HPWHBfsFOwBk7kOSUX\_WuVMojbGW3ozBTlhY0Om33H\_yKK\_Hn9GYM&\_nc\_ht=scontent.fhph1-2.fna&oh=07120c27969d0296af737e6d5008a35e&oe=5DC90EFE  
  
And this is my essays:  
The pie chart and the table illustrate major reasons triggerring land erosion and their influences on three areas of the world (NA,E,O) in the 1990s.  
  
Overall,it is clear that over-grazing is the principal reason causing soil degradation .Also, land in Oceania took high proportion in over-grazing ,nevertheless, the figure for Europe reached the biggest in total land degraded. Looking at pie chart in more details,we can see that the proportion of over-grazing is the highest in the number of causes,at 35% .In terms of deforestation and over-cultivation ,the number of them is quite similar with 30% and 28%,respectively.There are other factors that have responsible for 7% of land degradation.  
  
Looking more specific in three regions affected ,obviously 0.2% of deforestation impacts on NA was the lowest while 9.8% of this problem belonged to E ,in contrast and there was about 1.7% in the O figure.When it comes to over-cultivation, the figure for NA and E were both higher than acception(3.3% and 7.7% ) while O was not attacked by this factor .However, there was a problem in the percentage of land in O degarded by over-grazing ,which accounted for 11.3%,twice as much as the percentage of E.Finally,the proportion total land degraded by 3 problems were also the highest in E(23%).
Hello  
  
Personally speaking, firstly, it's not appropriate to use abbreviations (NA, E, O) in the essay because Ielts writing test is very formal.  
Secondly, in the overview, I think using nevertheless is not logical. Since unlike other causes of depleting land, total land degraded are the figures which represent the number of lands destroyed by percentage, they are not in the same category and the figures can't be compared here.  
  
Thirdly, I think make you can make more comparison in the third paragraph. Finally, you should always leave a space after punctuation, such as details,we ... causes,at 35% . should be details, we ... causes, at 35%.  
  
Hope my suggestions are helpful for you.
## social media can be harmful to individuals

  
  
It is true that emerge of social media not only has changed our lifestyle entirely in a different way but it also started to have a huge impact on everybody, despite the difference in the age range. To a certain extent, I would agree that the advancement of technology makes our daily life easier. However, overuse of social media, especially displaying too much personal information on it has numerous negative sides.  
  
First of all, posting private information on the website puts you in dangerous situations, such as being stalked, getting abducted or losing cybersecurity. These situations occur since some people use social media inappropriately. They take to advance and use other's personal information to harm them. For instance, the number of women who got kidnapped or got attacked has increased. They share their thoughts on social media, their location, and their activity. This act gives other people free access to monitor their personal information. Such attacks can be decreased if an individual is not posting about personal information on social media sites.  
  
Secondly, overusing social media affects on individuals self-esteem. To illustrate, people use Instagram for different purposes. Some of them advertise products, some of them shows only glamorous things to gain fame and earn money. So, seeing these fictitious and alluring posts, people tend to automatically compare themselves with other people and get disappointed in their own life. What we see on social media is not always true. So, in order not to get influenced by these pseudo-news, individuals need to analyze what they perceive.  
  
To conclude, posting personal data on social media sites can be dangerous and harmful to individuals. Therefore, the disadvantages of social media outweigh advantages.
Hi there!  
  
Your introduction paragraph is well-structured. You expressed your opinion on the issue after mentioning the emergence of social media. However, here are a few suggestions:  
  
1. Avoid redundancy:  
... changed our lifestyle ~~entirely in a different way~~   
"Change our lifestyle" and "in a different way" bear very similar meanings, so one of them should be deleted. If you intended to stress the extent to which social media has changed people's life, you can rewrite the sentence into "Social media has revolutionised people's lifestyle".  
  
2. Consistency between Introduction Paragraph and supporting paragraphs.  
You have brilliantly raised two harms of social media. But only one was mentioned in the introduction. The essay would be more clear if you briefly mention the second harm.  
  
I hope this could be of help. Best of luck in your future writings! :)