dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Ielts Task2, old man live with young or not

  
  
**Should old man live with young people together, or should they live in the clubs for old men? Please discuss.**  
  
Nowadays, thanks to the dramatic development of medicine industry and the improvement of quality of life, the life expectation is improved steadily. It, as a result, more and more seniors in the society and it has raised a obvious question, does the elders should live with their descendant or they are going to social house for older people. In my opinion, it is better that the whole family live together and are given as following  
  
Firstly, the foreseen benefits of living together are that the senior can teach and give their experience to their children or grandchildren. This is a valuable gift for us, with this experience, we can save lots of time to develop a new thing. In general, the society can spend less money, time for education, development so on and so forth.  
  
Secondly, when we are living together, it is obvious that we have a chance to take care of each other especially our seniors. In Asian custom, it is really important to take care of your parents in order to show your respect, grateful for their feeding and it is also the lesson for your child to mimic as well.  
  
Although I also agree that if the elder live in the house which is dedicated for them, they may be more fun as they will meet all people more or less the same as them. It, however, they also may be sad if they witness their friend pass away and without hearing the smiley face from the children.  
  
In a nutshell, I think that it is better for elder to live with their offspring rather live in the elder club.
(Introduction)  
Your introduction is not clear and I find it really hard that understand it .  
  
1.You can write "the quality improvement ..." instead of "the improvement of quality of...". If you want to use "The improvement of ...", you have to add "the". But,from my perspective, "The quality improvement ..." is better .  
  
2."The life expectation has been steadily improved .  
3,I can not understand the 2nd sentence of your introduction .  
4,"An obvious question"  
  
I have not read the rest of your essay ;however, I think there exist a number of errors in your essay . You should try to rewrite it carefully without time limitation
Hi Lozzol, hope that I can help.  
  
Since I'm not capable to figure out any abnormal to your essay, let me just do a simple grammar check on that...  
  
... that the seniors can t...  
  
... if the elderlies live ...  
  
It, however, ~~they also~~ may be sad ... from their children.  
  
Or if you have the 'although' in the begin of the sentence, you may skip the 'however' I believe.  
  
~~In a nutshell~~ (In conclusion/In summary/To summarize)  
  
Some people say to avoid any informal english appear on the IELTS writing, but it is ok to use it in speaking test.  
  
Lastly, may I ask if the question you post is the original one, which is only ask for your views on both sides? If that is the case you may skip the part that listing your opinion.
Your essay contained so many grammatical errors as well as weird and unnatural sentences. Therefore I find it really hard to understand what you were trying to express.  
  
Also, it's life  ~~expectation~~ expectancy. You're talking about the lifespan of people.  
*the foreseen benefit~~s~~ of living together ~~are~~ **is** that ...*. You're refering a single reason tho, as your next sentence starts with "This".  
  
Please, you really need to rewrite this essay.
Ev, the essay needs to be spiced up so that the reader will have more of an interest in it. Right now, your paper is starting in the middle of the discussion instead of at the beginning. Open the essay with a reference to the football protest started by Colin Kaepernick. I noticed that you neglected to mention the most popular activist athlete of this era in your essay. The paper should have represented him at the very start because his is a name that the reader can recall and actually make them care about the civil rights movement and the participation of athletes. Without a reference to him all of the names you mentioned will be irrelevant to the reader and they pretty much won't care about the relevance of this paper.  
  
You should narrow down your focus to only 3 athletes as examples namely Colin Kaepernick, Muhammad Ali, and another athlete of your choice. Make sure that the third athlete you choose will have a strong civil rights movement representation as well. Don't just say these people protested though. Explain the type of silent protest that they were involved in and what changes resulted from their participation in the cause. Don't just say they protested. Explain why these people are relevant to the cause.  
  
Your essay doesn't feel like you properly completed the presentation because you ended by saying "and so on". That indicates an open ending rather than a closed discussion. Aim to write a solid concluding paragraph to support the thesis statement that you are presenting in your opening statement. By the way, you are lacking a thesis statement at the start which will clarify what this research or opinion paper is all about. If you can strengthen your opening statement with a clear thesis and present a viable solution to this problem towards the end so that a strong conclusion can be made based on the discussions you presented, then the essay will become more authoritative and relevant in presentation. It should be of more interest to the reader once you accomplish those tasks.
## foreign language as one of the major subjects

  
  
In recent years, learning a foreign language has been a compulsory subject at schools in Vietnam, Singapore and many other countries due to a pyramid of benefits students receive from it. Noticing that, more and more schools are planning to consider a foreign language as one of the major subjects students are required to study.  
  
The first benefit is for students in countries which English is not the official language. Any student who has the chance to study this international language from early on can easily go to the UK for sight-seeing, studying or even working and researching. Nowadays, English and Chinese are the two dominant languages in the world with over one billion speakers each. Therefore, people who are fluent in English or Chinese will take advantage of the others. They can communicate with their friends from all over the world in a confident way to broaden their knowledge. They will learn more about the diversity of culture, history, food and so on. Most of reliable information now is written in English and French books, magazines..., especially medicine books.  
  
In addition, people good at two or more languages get twice as much salary as ones who know only one language. Having an international language certificate, people have more opportunities to be employed by huge companies such as Google, Samsung, Apple... People also receive respect at work by foreign colleagues with their advanced skills in language. As a result, their co-operation is much easier.  
  
For all these reasons, a foreign language should be a specialised subject at all schools.
Hi bunnytiger01, hope that I can help.  
  
First of all, would you mind tell task respond of this question? Is it:  
a. agree or disagree  
b. discuss both these views (and your opinion)  
  
From your answer (mainly on paragraphs 2, 3 and 4) I guess it was asking whether you agree or not...  
  
People say learning is bidirectional, now I really get the meaning of that is by giving the feedback I'm getting the knowledge/skill too.  
  
No wonder many of the IELTS tutors emphasize on paraphrasing the question on the introduction paragraph, i.e. with the proper paraphrasing reader will get an idea of the question even the writer not posting it all together. I'm sorry but I'm afraid you may failed that paraphrasing part if it is essential for the IELTS examination.  
  
From your essay I can see that you are trying to tell the readers that you agree the statement "learning a foreign language should be a compulsory subject at school" and the reasons behind are (not listed in order):  
  
1. several of foreign languages are the one language speakers use the most.  
2. it is an advantage of people who acquire those language skills  
3. it help people who having the foreign language skill a brighter future (better career path, etc)  
4. it help people to broaden their horizon (sorry this is overused phrase so please avoid to put that to your IELTS essay)  
5. it help them to go to UK (?) for sightseeing or whatever, learn more about the diversity of culture, history, food and so on.  
6. Most of reliable information now is written in English and French books, magazines..., especially medicine books.  
  
Some of them are the main point (or topic sentence) of the paragraph which you better put it at the beginning of the paragraph, while some of them just the supporting statement which is to give evidence to the topic sentence, and some of them are just example which further explain your point to the readers. So I believe if you can have the better arrangement of the above this may help readers a lot on follow your ideas.  
  
For the conclusion, some tutors would suggested to paraphrasing the question again, together the summarize of your paragraphs (i.e. your topic statements).  
  
Hope this may help and please let me know if I was wrong (true, the above may be totally wrong as I'm not the good/qualify writer too).
Hi. Next time, you need to provide the Task question, as it is unclear whether you were writing a discussion essay and give your own opinion or an opinion essay. I may assume you were writing the second option. Therefore you need to illustrate your opinion in your last sentence of introduction.  
  
I also notice your way of using sentence is not really much precise. I am gonna polish one of yours, I hope that helps:  
*Nowadays, English and Chinese are ...* I would write:*"These days, the prevalent languages are English and Chinese in which are spoken by over billion people for each one respectively."*  
  
*Therefore, people who are fluent ...* => *"Therefore people who obtain fluency in those aforementioned languages will be more advantageous."*  
  
*They can communicate with their ...* => *They can readily communicate with global friends to widen their knowledge. In addition, it will facilitate for them to access to the culture, history and cuisines of other countries.*  
  
*In addition, people good at two or ...* => **People who are multilingual gain twice as much as monolingual ones.**  
  
Grammar:  
*~~huge~~ prestigous companies*. Your implication of using huge as reputation of a company is incorrect, because I would think you're refering the size of a building.  
  
Also, be more scrupulous in your conclusion next time.
## Reasons for food shortage in the modern world

  
  
In spite of the advance made in agriculture, many people in the world still go hungry. What is the cause? What can be done  
Although, agriculture, in this age, have been developed considerably. There are still a worrying number of people who are hungry. In this essay, after giving some reasons, I will suggest solution for this problem.  
  
The two main shortcomings is probably lack of arable land means. Firstly, people recently use land for accommodation and building which are distinct to serve residents. It is not advisable that urbanization increase at such a high speech, resulting in insufficient soil for planting and breeding. It is clearly that the growth of agriculture is not effective if there is not sufficient land. The second reason is technology applied for agriculture seem to be expensive and unsuitable for every pocket. These modern techniques are just utilized in developed countries which have strong economy condition. In Africa, take an example, an underdeveloped continent which includes the backward and poor countries, they can not cause the technology because of its high expense. From all the reasons, despite the fact that the agriculture in in developing trend, it still can not the efficient solution for the situation of food shortage.  
  
To solve this problem, I personally think that vertical farming will be an answer for lack of food. It is a cultivating vegetable vertically by new agriculture, which combine the design of building and farm all together in high-rise buildings. It is an ingenious method of agriculture to produce food in any places, even inside crowded cities where arable land is unavailable or rare at the most. Vertical farming is perceived as capable measure for not only developed countries where is unavailable soil but also poor countries where have not sufficient money to cover all the expense of modern technology.  
  
To conclude, there are two main reason causing food shortage. One is lack of arable land. The other is about money. It is predicted that vertical farming will be the reasonable solution, being suitable with the remaining reasons
@oanhkieu208 Hi Oanh, here are some of my comments, hope that helps  
1) Task response: this essay has clear structure and address the question well. But try to use punctuation better (e.g. Although, agriculture, in this age, have been developed considerably, there are still a worrying number of people who are hungry). In the conclusion, you also need to summarise it precisely and better using complex sentences. Do that and your band will increase  
  
2) Cohesion: I can see that you use a lot of linking words so that's the good thing.  
3 & 4) GRA & Lexical resource: I think that's where you need to improve on. There are quite a number of phrases and words that are inaccurate and inappropriate.
Hi, I'd like to give you some advice about this essay.  
I think that your essay has a clear structure as there are 2 paragraphs, one for the causes and one for the solutions, and they all have proper explanations and examples. Still, your essay has many grammatical and lexical errors, which make some of the sentences confusing and hard to understand. You need to work on that.  
  
Also, some sentences have redundant words.  
  
There are some of the mistakes that I found. Hope that it is useful for you. There are more but I don't have much time so you should check that yourself.  
  
**Although, agriculture... considerably, there are still ...**  
If you put a period there, your first sentence is incomplete, as it only has one dependent phrase. You need a comma to make a complex sentence.  
  
**Isome solutions for this problem.**  
  
**The two main shortcomings are probably ...and inability to afford the latest technology.**  
It is written that there are two shortcomings but you only mention one.  
  
**people recently use land for accommodation and residential building ~~which are distinct to serve residents~~.**  
  
**It is not advisable ... at such a high speech** --> **because urbanization speeds up**  
"It is not advisable" sounds unnatural for me here. And "speed", not "speech" . Also, urbanization is a type of process, you can't use "increase".  
  
**the technology ... seems to be expensive ...**  
Look like you often forget to add "s" to a singular verb.  
  
**In Africa, take ...** --> **Take Africa as an example**  
  
**... developed countries ~~where is unavailable soil~~  but also poor countries which do not have sufficient money ...**  
  
The use of "where" as a relative pronoun in your sentence is wrong.
Hi, welcome to the forum! Hope my suggestions could help:  
  
First of all, use clear, native expressions. Readers may struggle to understand some of the phrases in your essay. For example, "lack of arable land means", "by new agriculture" and "cause the technology". Some others are understandable, but do not sound native:  
  
... that urbanization  ~~increase~~ **develop** at such ...  
countries ~~where is unavailable soil~~ **that fall short of land**  
  
My advice is to look it up on the internet when you are unsure whether an expression is native or not. For example, you may input "urbanization increase" in Google or other search engines (with quotation marks to make sure the search results are with no other words), to find out if the expression is frequently used by native speakers. You will in this way use the expression in a correct way.  
  
2. Pay attention to grammar rules, like subject-verb concordance, use of articles, plural forms, and clauses.  
A few corrections:  
..., in this age, ~~have~~ **has** ~~been~~  developed considerably.  
... shortcomings ~~is~~ **are** probably ...  
It is ~~a cultivating~~ to cultivate vegetable vertically  
...not only developed countries ~~where is unavailable soil~~  that fall short of land but also poor ... (Here the use of attributive clauses led by "where" is incorrect. You may refer to grammar books about this kind of clause.)  
  
3. On topic sentence. Your ideas in your 2nd paragraph is brilliant, but topic sentence is not clear and did not cover the two reasons you mentioned. A revision could be:  
  
*The causes of food shortage could be the lack of land and technology.*  
A topic sentence introduces a paragraph, so in this sentence you should briefly mention the topics that will be analysed in following sentences.  
  
Please don't feel discouraged, though. Keep up your insight about social topics and good luck!
[/h2]Graphical presentation of a school development  
  
[h2]The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan for changes to the school site in 2024.  
  
The two pictures compare the school site in the year 2004 with the proposed site design in the year 2024.  
  
It is clear that the main change of school in 2024 involves the increase of school building. Then, It will be able to accommodate a considerably larger amount of students.  
  
In 2004, two school buildings were separated by a path which was main entrance of the sports field, and there was 600 pupils attending to the school. By 2024, the two original buildings are connected and there is a path from the middle of the building 1 and building 2 which links the new-construct building. Furthermore, it is expected that there is going to have 1000 pupils in the school.  
  
As the third building and a second car park will be built on the site of original sports field, the new, smaller sports field will be constructed next to the new-developed parking lot. A new road will also be built from the main entrance to the second car park. Eventually, the main entrance of school and car park will remain the same as before.  
  
*
You can paraphrase the school site/ the site of school by using " the school campus/ the school layout".  
  
Here are some of my suggestion:  
\_...there ~~was~~ **were** 600 pupils..  
\_ buildings ~~are~~  **will be** connected **by a path** from ... 2 which **will also link to** the new-construct building.  
  
\_Furthermore, the number of students is expected to increase to 1000 in 2040.
Shao, this is a very good assessment of the two plans that you presented. It is clear and considers all aspects of the presentation with regards to information. Your trending statement is very well composed and allows the reader to become excited about reading your upcoming information. Your summary overview has a good outline for the remaining paragraph discussions.  
  
However, you tend to write long sentences because you combine 2 ideas in one presentation using a comma. Try to write shorter but complex sentences by offering each piece of information as a separate sentence in the connected paragraph. That way you create true complex sentences instead of run on sentences.  
  
You have a problem with tense usage as you use present tense wording for future tense presentations in this essay. Be careful as these mistakes will have a direct effect on your GRA score. Familiarize yourself with the future tense keywords and phrases so that you will not make this mistake again.  
  
Your last sentence should not start with "Eventually" because that term connotes "in the end, especially after a long delay, dispute, or series of problems." Your sentence indicates though that the carpark and entrance will not be changed by the improvements being done. Therefore, you should have simply said "The main entrance..." as there was no problem to resolve in the construction and presentation of these areas.
When designing a building, the intended use of the building should be taken into account rather than its outward appearance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
## building and its appearances

  
  
It is widely believed that the interior function of a building should be more significant than its outward design. Personally, I disagree with that point of view.  
  
The first reason why the exterior of a building should be taken into consideration is that it is the appearance that creates the first impression. People are likely to go into a shopping mall with an appealing outward design first before researching what is inside. It is, therefore, not an exaggeration to say that the revenue of any shop highly depends on the prominent look of its store. The coffee shops in Ho Chi Minh city, for instance, always spent a great amount of money renting the unique location and renovating frequently to please the customer eyes.  
  
Furthermore, I strongly believe the exterior of any building should receive more focus as it needs to be in harmony with the city it is located. There are certain requirements set by the city council when erecting a building. In Vietnam, for example, you are not allowed to construct a skyscraper in an archaic city or a model facility near a historical site. Moreover, every buiding is the representative of the city, thus, investing in the appearance is unquestionable as it will be beneficial for both the city and the building's owner. If a building has an astounding look, it is highly likely to become the symbol of the city. Sydney Opera House is the clearest example of this. This iconic of a building and the city have been so inexorably linked that we can not talk of one thing without thinking about the other.  
  
In conclusion, I firmly believe that the outlook of the building is just as significant as the its interior function.
## innovative technologies at the turn of the 20th and the 21st century

  
  
The graph elucidates the proportion of modern applications' domestic utilization in the UK from 1996 to 2003. It can be easily recognized that there was an upward trend among those four innovative technologies. However, CD players seem to be mostly used modern technology access in home.  
  
According to the illustration, CD players had the biggest figure of all, which was 60% in 1996, followed by home computer and mobile phone with around 28% and 19% respectively. Not until 1999 did the Internet access appeared, this makes the Internet access had the lowest percentage of all four modern domestic applications. Nevertheless, it had the biggest fluctuation compared to the others.  
  
Home computer, however, had quite a stable climb, from 28% to 58%. Mobile phone, on the other hand, fluctuated wildly but had an upward trend generally, this helped mobile phone become second in figure (70%), after CD players and accompanied by home computer and mobile phone, coming at third and fourth respectively. Due to mobile phone's late appearance, it seems to have the lowest percentages of all, but to have an overall view, it had the most noticeable change among four types of domestic access in modern technologies.  
  
Note: I'm sorry if my writing contains so many faults :(( but I'm really bad at Writing, so I really need a comment that can point out my incorrection in this writing. I tried to write in 20 minutes so I'm not sure if I had understood the question clearly or not.  
  
Thanks a lot. <3  
  
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