dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Whose responsibility to make students good citizens?

  
  
Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.  
Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.[  
  
Throughout these years, many people believe that children have to be good citizens of the society and they should be educated by their parents. On the other hand, there is also a myriad of people think that school is the best choice to make them become good people for the society. While i admit with both standpoints, i still strongly argue that there has to be a cooperation between the parents and schools.  
  
On the one hand, parents teach their children has some undisputable benefits. The reason is because they have some precious knowledge, experiences that school does not have. For instance, some parents who are experienced entrepreneurs are definitely better than teachers at school about selling, which means if the boys or girls learn from their parents will be a better businessman than study at school and of course, they could avoid many mistakes in the business world. By contrast, the education from school can sometime enlighten student better than at home. In fact, school gives students great solid knowledge about everything from the elementary to academic like vocabularies, languages, basics math, history and so on.  
  
However, i think it will be more beneficial if the children learn from both of them. To be more specific, school should be a hard foundation and then the parents will give them the "equipments" that they have learned in their life in order to let them "fly" far and "stay" safe in some renowned company or even open their own store. In other words, parents and schools are both must-have materials for the children.  
  
To recapitulate, a combination between parents and school is best way to transform students become good citizens.  
( this is my first writing so i am sorry for some mistakes and faults that i made is this essay and i will really really appreciate who give me feedbacks :), btw, i am using my own character is write this and not follow my teacher. If u guys see something that "go to far :)" plz tell me )
Dang, your opening paraphrase is still too similar to the original to be considered your own representation of the discussion. You should avoid using the same terms as the original prompt for this purpose so "good members of society" should become "responsible participants in the community" and "school is the best choice to make" should become "school is the best educational option for social manners".  
  
Now, your total discussion is in error because the prompt is asking about "good members of society" which refers to the community membership of a person or child. You are discussing business, which is not part of the community membership as referred to in this prompt. A better example to have discussed here would be an anti-bullying campaign or civic participation in a community setting. My assessment is that you did not really understand what the context of "good members of society" meant in the original prompt which is what led to the error in your discussion.  
  
Additionally, this is not a direct question essay so you should not have presented any sort of discussion in the opening statement of this essay. For the POV essay, you just restate the prompt in an original manner with a reference to the instructions provided. You could have said, for the instruction portion:  
  
*Both points of view will be considered in this discussion after which I shall comment on the varying points of view.* Or something similar to that.  
  
I can see your potential to write good essays for this task. It is understandable that you will make a mistake with your first practice run. I know that I can expect to see improvements with your upcoming practice presentations. Keep writing, you can only get better from here.
## Shopping Complex vs Recreation Park option

  
  
*Option A: Shopping Complex: This shopping mall would include restaurants, a larger supermarket and a movie theater.  
Option B: Recreation Park: this park would include a sports complex, a large green area, and a small petting zoo.  
What option that you prefer. Why do you prefer your choice? Explain the reason for your choice. Write about 150-200 words.*  
  
I prefer to spend my spare time at Shopping Complex rather than go to Recreation Park in this weather. It is too scorching hot to enjoy at Recreation Park.  
  
A preferred form of entertainment is watching movies. There is a movie theater in Shopping Complex. It is located at the 5th floor and next to it are restaurants, which allows people to access to their meal in a convenient way. People will have more options at Shopping Complex such as eating, watching a movie, or shopping for various goods. There are lots of new movies in which present at various show time. Resting at a restaurant nearby and looking at people that pour out of the movie theater once the film has ended, sounds like a twisted mind but fun. For those who love cooking, there is a supermarket two floors below the movie theater. They can spend time in the supermarket as well with its fresh food and produce. This provides them to tackle all of their daily chores while also having time on entertainment since everything is in one area as opposed to having to travel to different locations to get everything done.  
  
In general, spending a good time at a Shopping Complex with a good and fresh air conditioner beats out long lines and heat normally found in a recreational park in the summer
Your intention in essay is clear. Overall, it looks like an average writing. However, I am trying to point out some issues that you might take care of:  
  
1. I think it is unnecessary to use capital letters in the middle of the sentence if it is not that important. You used capital letter for **S**hopping **C**omplex and **R**ecreational **P**ark several times.  
  
2. "A preferred form of entertainment is watching movies." - It is completely your own opinion. So, words like "Personally, I think / believe" will be more appropriate in this case.  
  
3. "which allows people **to access to** their meal ..." - You may rephrase the highlighted portion.  
  
4. "There are lots of new movies..." - You may reorganize the whole sentence.  
  
5. "... with its fresh food and produce." - What do you mean by "produce" here?  
  
Thanks for your consideration.
Han, I think that your proficiency test score would be around a 3 for this essay. I have several reasons that support this opinion of mine. Most of the reasons have to do with your vocabulary usage, coherence, and task fulfillment problems. These are, as far as I am concerned, the 3 areas of proficiency that you need to build up with your next practice essays.  
  
For starters, the essay clearly asks for a personal opinion. However, your reasoning goes for a general discussion of why the public might choose option B. If you read the instructions again, you will see that the question being asked is: "What option that **you** prefer. Why do**you** prefer your choice?" with an instruction that indicates; Explain the reason for **your** choice." The second pronoun usage all refers to a personal insight with regards to the discussion.  
  
Another mistake in your explanation is that you are speaking of the weather conditions that currently exist. The prompt you were provided did not take the weather into consideration. Merely a general discussion of choices. Therefore, by making a weather based choice, you are running counter to the prompt discussion question. All of these essays should be discussed based solely on the provided information without any additional information consideration coming from you.  
  
The essays mistakes you made are avoidable now that you know what to look out for. Generally speaking, your discussion is good, but not the proper discussion for the prompt. Had the prompt asked for a general opinion and explanation then the least you would have scored with this essay would have been a 4.
With the upcoming test, please give me some feedbacks :((( thanks a lot for helping me!!  
  
**Problem:  
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.**  
  
## the development of adolescents slowed by restrictions?

  
  
Answer:  
Even in modern societies, parents or relatives still tend to arrange each and every aspects of young people live from the college they are entering in to the major they select. In my perspective, those kinds of rules are too strict to follow since we have different interests or hobbies from the elderly. Besides, the rules may strongly restrict our development of independent and responsibilities in the future.  
  
First of all, parents always ask for perfection but overlook the effort young people have made so far. For instance, when I was in senior high school, I was major in Chemistry and even got the outstanding award of Chemistry. During the mid test, I got 90 in that test which was the highest score among the whole class. However, believed that I can do it better, my mom felt unsatisfied and forbidden me to hang out with classmates for fun. For the expectation of the societies, I consider it unreasonable to obey. Moreover, the time making something from excellent to perfect is much more than you imagine. In other words, we can spend the time to learn another thing.  
  
Secondly, making a choice for young people is a controversial topic too. Parents usually do decisions by their experience and expect that the choice will give you a promising future. To put it into the realistic, some of subjects, such as electronic engineering or computer science, would be greatly recommended for young people to study. Just like an old saying said that ''Interest is the best teacher''. Out of interest, we would keep further academic researching. However, without any interest on it, the studying would be a tedious and repetitious information engrafting process.  
  
To sum up, making too much choice and asking for the perfection of academic performance, parents' requests are unreasonable. Both of the above examples would obviously restrict the development of adolescents.
I have to say that you are very good at describing words and examples and your idea is excellent.  
And here is some my tiny small tip that i also want to give you in order to enhance your vocab and many things like that :):  
  
- Interest sometime should be passion :) ( because i see interest is repeated )  
- "elderly" in your intro is wrong word and not really worth to select, i recommend you use from the "childhood" or "beginning" or some thing like that  
  
- i know the time is fast but in the second paragraph, the effort OF young people, u missed the "of" word :)  
And of course, i am just a student and these are just tiny small tip i want u to see, maybe sometime they wrong but... good luck !
Lilo, the discussion is focused on a general perception of rules. Societal rules are not the same as parental rules, which you chose to focus on in your essay. Societal rules have more to do with how one behaves in public and how one deals with his elders or shows respect. It is not part of the rules that your parents have placed upon you.  
  
Your essay is not focused on the correct discussion, a public society regulation as implemented by societal elders. You are focused on the rules and expectations of your parents and relatives instead. I don't think you can score higher than 2 because of this error. You have response to the task is limited in development which uses incorrect examples for its reasoning. There are also word usage and sentence development errors that all added up to this end result.
**Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal.Some people,however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country**  
  
Hi,  
Im aiming to get a 7 for ielts.please help me improving my essay writing  
Thank you all  
  
## not only economic growth is important

  
  
In many advanced countries, nowadays, economical developments are considered to be the most crucial and only aspect in which can bring a prosperous future for the government, providing people with lots of facilities and job opportunities. On the contrary, there are some who disagree to this idea and believe there are more factors that equally play an important role in acquiring a government without problems.  
  
Proponents, have this in their mind that the economic growth is the key to success and can substantially improve citizen's life conditions by ensuring new job opportunities with high salaries and proper health care system. Through economic developments governments can accumulate funds, in order to improve other facilities for ameliorating living standards. For instance, funds can be spent on upgrading security problems for lowering the crime rates.  
  
Opponents, on the other hand, believe the economic condition of a country is not the only aspect which ensure a country without an issue. The rate of illiteracy is increasing nowadays due to the poor educational system and specifically in resort areas people even don't have access to schools. Therefore, many become illiterate and unable to fulfil their needs which also leads them to be jobless. In addition, many countries suffer epidemic diseases in which are incurable and rampantly growing. In this case the first priority of the governments is first to improve health care systems in order to overcome such issues.  
  
Thus, undoubtedly economic growth plays an essential role in any government; However, in a personal perspective I believe other aspects are aligned with economic growth and they equally can have same impact on people's lives.
Reza, this is a 5 paragraph essay based on the instruction of discuss both points of view and then give your own opinion. Therefore the body should be composed of :  
  
1. POV1  
2. POV 2  
3. Personal opinion  
  
It is imperative that your personal opinion be developed as a stand alone paragraph prior to the concluding summary as the concluding summary should not include the presentation of new ideas which cannot be adequately explained due to the 5 sentence limitation per paragraph. While your essay does lack the prompt instruction restatement in the opening paraphrase, that error is not as bad as your lack of a definite personal opinion paragraph which is supported by a topic sentence, reasoning, and examples to support your POV.  
  
You show a great potential in discussing these types of essays. It is unfortunate that your scored was dragged down by improper paragraph structuring. I trust that you will not repeat this mistake in the future. Your discussions are clear and well developed. Your vocabulary is adequate. So limiting your mistakes in other areas such as the one I mentioned above will help to further enhance your possible final score in an actual test.
*Compare yourself today and yourself five years ago. In what ways are you the same or different? Use specific examples to support your response.*  
  
## I have become a different person

  
  
It is undoubtedly that people always grow up as the time goes by. People change not only in physic, but also in maturity and on how they live their life. Iam well aware that I also have experienced a big change in my life in these past years. I certainly understand that I am today is significantly different compared to myself five years ago.  
  
There are some changes that I am mindful it has happened to my life. Firstly, I am older than I am five years ago, hence I become more mature in facing my life today. Turning to be an adult means that I have a more complex problem. For example, after graduated from university, I turned to work life that needed ability to solve the issue by myself in the first place. There is a totally different situation between myself as a student and myself as an employee. However, in this kind of situtation, I believe that this phase is a great opprtunity to learn more and to find my bigger dreams afterwards.  
  
The second change that significantly happened in my life is that today I have my own-source of financial. Currently, I have a job since I graduated from university. Therefore, I am able to have monthly savings and support my family, giving back to them whom have supported my life until I finished my school. Moreover, there are many hobbies that I afford to do such as traveling and photography. In the other side, I am mindful that the more I received , the more responsibility I have. Therefore, I always plan my expenditures and give the priority to the savings.  
  
In conclusion, I am fully aware that I have become a different person than I am five years ago. Turning to be adult means that people have more problems and more responsibilty. As the time goes by, people are not only growing up, but also learning to be a better person.
Nuradia, while I can sense the effort that you have placed in the writing of this essay, I am sad to say that the efforts you made were not good enough. This time around, the possible score for your essay has been limited to a 2 due to several serious problems with your presentation.  
  
While you did respond to the task, it took you so long to get to the actual discussion that you ended up giving a limited response to the task. Since this is TOEFL essay, you need only address the question directly in the essay. You do not need flowery introductions or word fillers to introduce your response. The TOEFL essay does not require you to offer a prompt paraphrase in the way that an IELTS essay does. Do not confuse the two.  
  
Your line of reasoning per paragraph is not completely explained. Although you offer examples to support your topic sentence, there is a lack of connected or related sentences to help explain your reason and example in greater details. In order to accomplish this requirement, you will need to practice using more transition sentence, phrase, and connecting words.  
  
Your error in tense usage and improper sentence structures also created insurmountable problems in your paragraph presentations. It would be better if you can add some sentence building exercises to your preparation tasks prior to starting on your essay practice topics.
## The number of employees in USA 1930-2010

  
  
The line graph depicts information about the employment patterns in the USA over a period of 80 years.  
  
It's noticeable that the figures for labour force employment almost increased after 1980 except the farming, fishing and foresting fall dramatically and saw a small decreased came from other services.  
  
In 1930, the two sectors include sales and office and other services started at 10%. Almost no one had worked in technical, while around 75% labour force employment had come from farming, fishing and foresting.  
  
Employment from industrial, technical, other services, sales and office was quite stable between 1930 to 1970. At the same time, Farming, fishing and foresting fall gradually by 15% to 60% in 1970.  
  
After 1980, The number of employees from industrial, technical, sales and office saw a rise was 35%, 30% and 20% respectively. Didn't have a change from other services, it keeps constant the same level over a period of 20 years at 10%. There was a quick drop in the number of the worker from farming, fishing and foresting, nearly 8% in 2010.  
  
*
Hi @bovalenca  
Here are some notices according to my opinion.  
1/ There is missing of closing paragraph or as a reader, I barely recognize your closing paragraph  
2/ I think you should have chosen some point of time to make the comparison in order to illustrate the changes of the employment patterns. For example, in 1930, farming, fishing and foresting hold the highest percentage and technical is the lowest one. At the point 1980, farming, fishing and foresting drops dramatically and technical starts increasing steadily. And in the year 2010, farming, fishing and foresting has the lowest percentage. Here are just some example so it does not include other employment patterns.
Tran, there are a number of inconsistencies in your presentation due to lack of information. The problem started with your incomplete summary overview which was supposed to help inform the reader about the information you will be presenting in the paragraphs. You neglected to list the sectors involved in the graph presentation. You also did not identify the years represented aside from the chart covering 80 years. You should have indicated that it started in 1930 and ended in 2010 as part of the complete information dissemination of the summary overview. That would have helped in the reader understand why your trending statement included the year 1980 in it. The overall coverage of the graph is one of the most important information to be presented in this essay.  
  
You need to learn to use more connecting words. For example in your last paragraph, when you said "... and foresting", you should added the connecting word "by" in order to connect the word listing to the next set of information. Hence, the presentation would have been a more proper; " ... and fishing by nearly 8..."  
  
Since this is an analytical report, a concluding statement is not required. I have to say though, you wrote a good amount of words for this essay. It should have left you with enough time to edit and revise your presentation prior to submission. A practice that I believe you should get used to doing during the practice tests so that you can further improve your scoring considerations during this dry run.
## proper answers for Questbridge questions

  
  
I'm looking to receive some assistance in writing my responses for these Questbridge questions. My test scores were not as great as I would have liked them to be, so I want my essays to be near flawless. So I figured you could help me with that? Please feel free to be as honest as possible.  
  
**What are your career goals and how did you develop them?** (400 characters)  
My goal is to become a diplomat between the United States and South Korea. I have a lot of respect for Korea because of its resilience, including both its weakened relations with other Eastern nations, and its status as a poverty stricken nation becoming a global superpower. I would like to work and ensure that South Korea and the United States continue to have a long-lasting relationship.  
  
**What is your favorite source of inspiration?** (35 words)  
From my grandfather, I long to inherit the eternal legacy of patience, selflessness and compassion. He strongly believed in these senses, and I will use them in my interactions with others.  
  
**What is the compliment that you have been paid that you are most proud of? Who gave you the compliment?** (35 words)  
I was told that I am very inspiring by my counselor. This is important to me because I work actively to motivate my peers to remain honest, unwavering and academically focused.  
  
These are only a few I have written. Please look at them for me!