dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## road access to a city hospital

  
  
The two maps compare the road access to a city hospital which was done in 2007 and 2010. Overall, there were some significant changes for car park, Hospital Road and bus stations.  
  
In 2007, there were about six bus stations nearby the both sides of Hospital Road. There was a car park which was used for both staff and public purposes and the three bus station. The car park was on the right of Hospital Road and nearby the City Road.  
  
In 2010, there were some significant changes compared to that in 2007. The six bus stations were then combined into one only on the left of Hospital Road and connected with two roundabouts which were on Ring Road and City Road. The car park was divided into two seperate ones for the staff and public uses which are located on the right of Hospital Road and Ring Road.  
  
This is an essay of writing task 1 in Cambridge IELTS 13. I hope to receive helpful advice and feedbacks from you. Thank you so much!  
  
*
The overview would have been helped by a clearer separation / differentiation of the maps using the respective years. In fact, that word, "respectively", had it been used in the presentation, would have added a tremendous amount of clarity to the image identification and differentiation requirement. The writer should make that clearer next time to avoid any confusing references or the creation of confusing references within the presentation.  
  
Reviewing the image presentations, the changes indicated in the trending sentence are the complete list. So the writer does not need to indicate "some changes" when he is stating the complete changes as indicated in the 2 maps. This will create an inaccurate trending report on his part which the examiner will most likely spot and deduct points for.  
  
As far as the rest of the report goes, the information presented is straightforward and acceptable. While the paragraphs could use more development in terms of fleshing out the report, the presentation is enough to get decent scoring considerations per section.
***Some people think that a huge amount of time and money is spent on the protection of wild animals and that this money could be better spent on the human population.***  
  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

  
  
In retrospect, many schools of thought have contended that humans should have diverted their money to their population rather than the preservation of wildlife. However, from my stance, I would never concur with the statement for two main reasons, as humans and their surroundings have linked inseparably. I am going to illuminate my point of view below.  
  
Chief among the reasons is the inseparable link between humans and wildlife, it is recently recorded that the ecosystem has lapsed into imbalance, which factored in the increase of endangered species. As a rule of thumb, the existence of the civilization would be gravely threatened if the extinction rate of animals continues accelerating. A strong example is The African government has recorded myriads of illegal hunting of Sumatran elephants each year, which has rung an alarming bell for their existence and the efficiency of preservation policies. If it is not stopped promptly, not only will the ecology suffer, but the forest's biodiversity will suffer as well. Furthermore, preserving wildlife is equivalent to protecting ourselves, if one side lapses into collapse, it would instigate a domino effect on the left, effectively afflicting human survival on Earth.  
  
Enhancing the case, to a greater extent, protecting wild animals would also engender economic levers for the masses, thanks to their attraction to people. Predicating to data from the Texas National Parks and Wildlife Service, the percentage of bird-watching has increased considerably in recent years, which estimated that more than 50 billion dollars are spent on bird watching activities, and north of 90 billion dollars benefited from wild tourism in 2001.  
  
In conclusion, I firmly believe that it is worth continuing to spend money and make a concerted effort to protect wild animals because of the enormous advantages that wild animals bring to humans.
It is incorrect for the writer to refer to the idea presented "in restrospect" because the idea is not a past presentation. Rather, it is a continuing school of thought that applies to this very day. by saying "in retrospect", the writer is changing the timeline of the discussion from present to past. This changes the importance of the discussion topic and also, redirects the original sentiment of the discussion. Unless otherwise specified, the writer must always refer to all given thoughts, ideas, and opinions in the present form.  
  
There was also no need to use the word "However" in the presentation. The adverb was used incorrectly in this sentence because it failed to properly present a measured extent in the sentence. This word applies more to monetary expense references rather than emotional measurements. So the writer had the right idea, but an incorrect word application due to the actual meaning and usage of the word.  
  
The writer is fond of using noun phrases in the essay. The problem is that the application is incorrect, thus making the essay difficult to understand for the native English user. He is trying to impress the examiner using his vocabulary but failing to do so due to his inadequate English word and phrase usage knowledge. He is familiar with the words and phrases, but unfamiliar with the meaning and correct method of using these terminologies.
Topic :  
## In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in public and office places.

  
***Do you think this is a good rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer (at least 250 words)***  
  
In today's world, there is an increasing amount of smokers in every corners of the world. Since the smoke that comes out of the cigarettes has scientifically brought various negative outcomes to human, many governments have prohibited people to smoke in public areas despite having to face some fierce protests. Personally, I totally agree with those decisions and this essay will highlight my opinion as follows.  
  
First of all, nonsmokers' health are negatively affected by a process called passive smoking. In fact, it is a scientifically proven fact that passive smokers are prone to have worse health condition than smokers. As they inhale more smoke than that of the smokers, the hazards of being exposed to disorders are higher . Furthermore, the unborn children of women who are pregnant may have counter-intuitively deep-seated disfigurements in their body and brain even worse while their mothers inhale tobacco smoke. In other words, smoking in public areas has severe impact on human's health.  
  
Smoking not only puts the physical body of human into significant risk but also wrongly influences the next generations in morality side . Although the consequences of smoking have adverse effects on human's health condition, many youngsters are induced that smoking helps them fulfilling a better image towards their acquaintance while seeing other people smoke. In order to achieve the mentioned purpose , they take smoking as a habit and thus all the efforts of educating the damages of smoking to human are collapsed.  
  
In conclusion, smoking produces negative health effects to passive smokers as well as misleads the youth's morality. Only by banning smokers from smoking in public will those problems be ameliorated.(273 words)
To get the maximum base score potential in a task 2 test, the writer must refrain from immediately discussing the topic in the prompt + personal opinion paragraph. This paragraph must be between 2 -5 sentences that only does the following:  
  
- Restate the original topic through the writers understanding / basic interpretation. English comprehension skills are tested in this section.  
- Deliver a reasoning based personal opinion. The personal opinion should state the discussion topics for extended discussion in the body paragraphs. It should be an integrated statement that omits an actual discussion.  
  
The writer presents valid reasons in every paragraph. It proves he understands the topic. The problem is that there are no strong discussion points to support the evidence. He should focus less on the number of reasons and more on the smooth reasoning connections to improve the cohesiveness of the presentation. Doing so will strongly prove the coherence of the discussion and increase his scores. Develop the paragraphs properly. Do not omit connecting the reasons in the paragraphs through transition phrases and sentences. Do not rely only on transition words as these do not always provide additional discussion clarity because these are only memorized words taught in ESL and IELTS class. It does not help prove academic writing proficiency at all times.
*SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT IT IS GOOD TO SHARE AS MUCH INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE IN SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, BUSINESS AND THE ACADEMIC WORLD. OTHERS BELIEVE THAT SOME INFORMATION IS TOO IMPORTANT OR TOO VALUABLE TO BE SHARED FREELY.*  
  
## DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION.

  
  
Some people supposed that it is essential to share information freely on social media while some others opposed it. In this essay, an attempt will be made to discuss benefits and drawbacks of this idea.  
  
To begin with, sharing information freely brings some considerable advantages. It helps people around the world access the news easily. In fact, you only need to have a phone connecting with the internet when you can update the information anywhere and anytime. In addition, announcing the findings on the fields such as science, business and technology will help widen the knowleges of people. Furthermore, providing the information on social media will meet the needs of student and promote their self-studying spirit because they can learn numerous knowledge from searching on the websites.  
  
On the other hand, those who opposed to unboundedly information sharing have their own views. Firstly, it affects on the benefit of the organizations or researchers who attempt to discover, therefore, some information should be restricted for paying fee if having the demand as a way of respecting the achievement of maker. Secondly, sharing freely will increase in violating of duplicating and copying.  
  
In conclusion, it is my opinion that sharing the information freely will help people approach the information easier. However, some vital information should be selected and considered carefully before published.  
  
I hope you will give me the comment sand suggestions. Thank you so much!
The writer committed 2 grave errors in this presentation that will cause the prompt restatement + personal opinion paragraph to receive a failing score:  
  
- He mentions social media in reference to information sharing where none was made previously. This makes his restated reference inaccurate and deviant in presentation. It is not an acceptable rewording of the original topic.  
  
- Rather than simply stating his opinion after presenting the 2 public viewpoints, he has decided that the essay will be discussed based on the:  
  
benefits and drawbacks of this idea  
Rather than a simple comparative discussion of the public opinion v. his personal opinion. The essay has already failed in totality at this point as the writer did not follow the writing instructions as provided by the original presentation. He created his own discussion basis, which is not related to the previously provided information. He did not understand the discussion instructions and cannot be given a passing score because of this misunderstanding of the response format on his part.
***Some people think that technology makes life complex, so we should make our life simpler without using technology.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree.

  
  
In light of the proliferation of the technology, human lives is likely to be much more changeable. A number of people have divergent views that their life seems to be swamped with tons of things since technology revealed and they promote a life without high-tech. I do not advocate this statement by illustrating some reasons.  
  
Firstly, the development of technology encourages plethora of positive result in the sphere of education. With the aid of cutting-edge technology, school-aged children get more golden opportunities of accessing to novel knowledge rather than exposing to theory knowledge. Both teachers and students are capable of discussing together which is backbone to maintain their good rapport and broadening their horizon in the real world. By showing a principle example, in history lessons, trainer would prefer to display the severe battles throughout the screen of TV to incentivizes students to be more effortlessly remember each special event in each day rather than learn by heart.  
  
Secondly, the business domain has seen a surge in recent years. A sheer volume of work runs a higher risk of being figured out thanks to the latest technology. The white collar could eschew traditional communication methods in favor of more time and cost -efficient alternatives such as emails and video calls which is confidential for the information. The most principle example of this matter may be that in the Covid-19 pandemic, they could join in online correspondence meetings with their partner as well as those who are overseas in lieu of facing directly which is a cause for spreading the viruses.  
  
To sum up, it is indisputable that living with technology has been gaining significant traction with people from all ages. I take the view that technology is more necessary for human in the future.
When the student states "the technology", he is making reference to a specific technology already. The original prompt does not indicate a specific type of technology for the discussion therefore, a definite article such as "the" should not be used in the sentence. The inclusion of the word does not refer to a noun thereby making it a GRA deduction.  
  
The writer is presenting an academic paper. He must avoid using slang English phrases such as "swamped with tons" as this is a highly non-academic phrase presentation. Always bear in mind that the audience for the paper will be academics who are looking for the writer's ability to present his thoughts in an academic and professional manner.  
  
A mere "advocation" does not respond properly to the "extent" question. A measured response depicting the strength of his conviction in his opinion is still required. The personal opinion is not question compliant at this point. Having rviewed the total essay, I found that the writer did not meet the extent requirement in the conclusion either, where it should have been presented a second time as a part of the summary conclusion to the reader.
## old buildings versus modern infrastructure

  
  
A school of thought claims that money allocated to the preservation of old buildings should be better utilized on modern infrastructure. From my point of view, new buildings are more practical, old buildings, on the other hand, are indispensable cultural relics due to their cultural and economic value.  
  
Old buildings can serve as witnesses to a city's aesthetic and cultural heritage, providing a sense of place and a connection to the past. Ba Son shipyard, located in Ho Chi Minh City, used to be a major shipbuilding facility during Nguyen Dynasty and a national historic monument. The local or the tourist can typically associate historic structures with renowned historic events and characters such as Nguyen emperors, Ton Duc Thang, assisting young generations to gain an understanding of the contemporary's lives. Society would be losing a lot of our historical and cultural background if demolishing such buildings.  
  
Developers tend to be after immediate profit and modernity, yet it is a potential economic gain of historical buildings that they cannot be aware of. Thanks to valuable materials and unique designs of antiquated architectures, older buildings have their own identity and distinctive character, making them seem to be more attractive than modern buildings. Shanghai, which was mostly vacant land across the river, has now been converted to a protected historic center. In addition, the west of the river has become a financial district, a good source of revenue for the government. What's more, repairing and reusing existing buildings uses energy and material resources more efficiently and reduces waste  
  
As a consequence of industrialization, the demolition of old buildings for spaces to build modern infrastructure has become a norm these days. however, I firmly believe historical structures are a heritage of any country and ought to receive proper preservation for the government.
A school of thought is a belief or idea that is supported by people. That is not the reference in the original presentation.A direct question was being asked of the writer, whose opinion is the focal point of the discussion. It is the question, as posed to the author, that should have been reflected in the restatement. There is no school of thought provided therefore, the rewrite is inaccurate and does not meet the scoring guidelines for the prompt. There is no clear opinion set before the reader either, which further proves to be a scoring problem for the writer. His personal opinion which is:  
  
I firmly believe historical structures are a heritage of any country and ought to receive proper preservation for the government.  
should have been stated twice in the presentation. Once as the personal opinion response to the question, then, as a restatement of the opinion in the summary conclusion. That is the format adherent way to present the ideas required in this essay.
## impact on child's growth

  
  
I agree with this viewpoint for two reasons. Firstly, teachers play a fundamental role in providing knowledge for the development of young people. Not only do the teachers arm students with the knowledge they are also of great help to students by giving proper explanations and feedback at the time of need. Besides, teachers are always the ones who encourage their students to study better. For example, teachers' suggestions will be the driving force to promote the activeness and curiosity of students, ending the stagnation of students before new lessons. Secondly, teachers are likely to have a huge impact on a student's personality, since children tend to learn things through observation and imitation. For instance, children who are quiet and live in the shell of their parents when studying in a friendly environment with many interesting things will change their personality. As a result, teachers are an important factor in the assessment of students' performance that their parents may not be able to do.
The writer is responding to a Task 2 IELTS essay as if she were answering a class recitation. This is an unacceptable format that will result in the student garnering a failing score should this have been an actual test. There is no proper formatting within the 4 paragraph requirement, the first problem in this essay. The 4 paragraphs are composed of:  
  
- Prompt restatement + personal opinion  
- 2 reasoning paragraphs  
- Summary conclusion  
  
Seeing as the discussion does not adhere to the scoring requirements, the exam taker will not be able to get maximum scoring points for the individual scoring considerations. All of the reasons presented are rushed and lacking in full discussion developement. This is a non-passing presentation. The student should try again, this time, follow the required formatting for all sections and make sure to properly develop the reasoning paragraphs in a manner that can actually receive scoring credits.  
  
If the IELTS requirements are not considered though, the writer shows an understanding of the prompt. There is a simple and acceptable discussion presented in a short manner as well. The student at least shows that the opinion created is related to the discussion.
***It is a common aspiration among many young people to run their own business, rather than work for an employer.***  
## Do you think the advantages of working for yourself outweigh the drawbacks?

  
  
People tend to work for a company like a lifetime job and then retire in the past. In today's society, instead of working for an employer, the young generation is likely to start up their own business. This trend has both pros and cons and I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.  
  
To begin with, there are several reasons why adults prefer to work for themselves. While working for a company, you have to comply with the time regulation but an entrepreneur can control their working time and freely make their own decision. They can choose employees, projects they want to do and their working schedules. This can raise job satisfaction and avoid working with people and projects that do not spark one's interest. Furthermore, they can keep the profits if they run the business successfully. If their company, for example, have a good reputation, a good quality they will make substantial profits. Therefore they can enjoy their life with that earnings.  
  
On the other hand, running a business is very risky. When start-up a business, people will face a lot of problems such as legal formalities, finance, managing income and outcome money and there are a lot of people who were unable to overcome the obstacles. For instance, if you make a wrong decision, you may go bankrupt and your personnel assets could be on the line which is not suitable for those who have dependents.  
  
In conclusion, despite the disadvantages of running a business, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. However, not everyone is able to take the risk and some prefer to work for an employer.
The prompt restatement is too far from the original topic considerations to be considered an accurate rewording of that presentartion. The topic basis has been altered by the author, resulting in a different discussion basis from the original. Such changes result in a lower scoring consideration based on on the inability of the writer to stick with the original discussion points. While the presentation sounds cool and updated in consideration, it does not reflect the original discussion idea. Hence the deviation. The writer also mentions pros and cons, prior to actually responding to the discussion question. Another deviation of the personal opinion kind that will result in a lower TA score for this paragraph. It is important that the writer does not get too creative in restating things in this section. The score is based on adherence to the topic and a clear opinion that directly responds to the question. Do that and you get maximum scoring consideration, get fancy and change things too much from the original and the essay gets a failing score at the very start. That is not the place you want to start the essay from.