dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## commercial activities in sport events

  
  
I'm Mien, and i'm gonna have ielts test. Help give feedback to my essays guys, thx all @@  
The sight of conglomerates introducing their merchandise through sport events is becoming prevalent. Personally, I am partly agree that it may bring detriments in some cases.  
  
I believe that integrating products into sport events is a win-win situation for both businesses and sportsmens. The primary reason is that advertisers could meet sales targets, thanks to huge viewership of competitions, especially famous ones such as World Cup or NBA. As a result, this practice could help those companies significantly reach their numerous potential customers and boost their sales at ease. Additionally, athletes could also reap the benefits from enormous sponsorship from those brands. To explain, besides devoting time to professional careers, they may have the chance to involve in advertisement projects, leading to improved financial backgrounds. For example, Ronaldo has made a huge profit for being the representative of many brands.  
  
However, I firmly contend that advertising could have severe adverse effects on the performance of athletes. It is commonplace to witness most sponsors of those events advertising unhealthy products, such as Cocacola with sugary drinks or Heineken with beers. As a result, sportsmens might have to endorse their promoters by using those merchandise, which undoubtedly mitigate their physical conditions. Moreover, many youngsters regard those faces as their role models, and what is worse is that they have proclivity to imitate even unacceptable manners. Consequently, a large amount of unhealthy products would be consumed by young generation, leading to a weaker society in the long run.  
  
In conclusion, the involvement of commercial activities in sport events may be beneficial for businesses and athletes. However, this method should be taken into consideration due to its impacts on the players and their followers.
The writer took a good approach to his comparative reasoning explanations in the presentation. There was a slight hitch in the second paragraph discussion though. He contradicted /opposed his own partial agreement with the statement because, in the topic sentence , the author indicated that; "I firmly contend", meaning there is a total support for the paragraph statement. This negates the : " I am partly agree" opinion provided in the response statement. The essay now contains conflicting viewpoints that will lead the examiner to score this based on unclear, and non-cohesive discussion paragraphs. It is imperative for scoring considerations that the writer does not change his opinion midstream. Such a change affects several important scoring decisions.
## energy usage and greenhouse gas emissions

  
  
The two pie charts depict the percentage of energy usage and the generation of greenhouse emissions by six distinct energy sectors in a typical Australian family.  
  
Overall, what stands out is that Heating accounts for the greatest energy consumption, while Water Heating contributes the largest segment to the greenhouse gas emissions. Notably, Cooling is the smallest part of all.  
  
Regarding the amount of energy consumed, Heating holds the lion's share, with 42%, which is 12% larger than the rate of Water Heating. Besides, the percentage of Refrigeration makes up just 7%, which is about twice as low as that of Other Appliances (15%). By contrast, the figure for Lighting doubles that for Cooling, registering 4% and 2%, respectively.  
  
Concerning the greenhouse gas emissions, Water Heating's production comprises the largest proportion, at 32%, followed closely by Other Appliances counterpart, gaining 28%. There is a slight gap between the data on Heating (15%) and Refrigeration (14%). Meanwhile, Lighting and Cooling occupy the least fraction of the total emissions output, with 11% collectively.  
  
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At a certain point in the presentation, the writer must make use of the chart titles. These image names help keep the reader on track as to which image information is being discussed. Such a reference adds to the discussion clarity on the reader's end and will be appreciated by the examiner.  
  
There in a comparative discussion point omitted by the analysis presentation. There is a similarity between the 2% cooling range of household use that resulted in an almost similar 3% greenhouse emission as per chart division.  
  
A comparison of data from both images helps to show a deeper image analysis on the part of the writer and increases the possible final score.
## City now and in the past on the map

  
  
The given layout delineates the disparities of a city between the year of 1950 and the present day.  
  
The initial impression from the map is that along with the expansion of population, economic, private and public sectors have grown in size and number. Additionally, the city has undergone virtually no reposition of the abovementioned.  
  
Before the revamps, in the northern part of the city, the residential area was home to 20000 citizens. It covered the business district, only where the two main roads intersected. Whilst one of them led to the airport on the right-hand side of the city, the other commenced from the north, which passed a bridge prior to reaching the government building.  
  
After several modifications, the residential area has been extended to all four directions to meet a ten-fold increase in population 's demands. It circles the economic zone, which has also been widened. Both are divided into halves with the erection of a new lake. Furthermore, there has been the emergence of a newly-built road, headed from the west to join the eastern one after crossing a bridge. Meanwhile, the airport has remained intact in terms of location; nevertheless; has stretched to the south of the city.  
  
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For comparison purposes, a reference to the existence of a river is necessary. That is because the river was later altered to become a lake covering 2 parts of the city. One may say that the first map is incompletely described in that paragraph as it does not okisively connect to the body of water description in the second paragraph.  
  
The years in question, 1950 and present day should have been referred to clearly in the introduction to lack relevant paragraph.This serves to inform the reader regarding proper information coverage.  
  
The essay presentation is good and may revive a passing score. However, a better score would have been recieved if there was no missing element in the presentation.
## The donations by UK people

  
  
The chart gives information on the percentage of British people giving money to charity by age range for the years 1990 and 2010.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
Answer :  
  
The donation of UK citizens by the generasion gap for 1990 and 2010 is provided by the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that the highest population who share their money for helping each other was people in the age of 30s years old above whereas the lowest was from the below.  
  
In 1990, the data of british society who turn to 18 until 50 years old was the more who always share their wealthy to social than in 2010, around 17% and 7% for the age of 18-25, respectively. Moreover, for the age of 36 to 50 years old gave their money about 42% in 1990 and this reached a peak while only 34% in 2010.  
  
Furthermore, in 2010, the elder around 51-65 above more did of charity than the young. It was the highest for that year about 39%, and this was larger 4% than the people who 36-50 and above of 65 years old. As a comparison, in 1990 the 50s and 60s people gave smaller than the 50s below. The number of people donated in this age was the same amount with the people of 36-50 in 2010, and lower around 3% for the age of about 65.  
  
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The writer did not proofread the presentation. A spelling error (generasion = generation) remained uncorrected and a proper nown was witten in lower rather than uppercase first letter (British), causing an LR and GRA deduction. The trending statement is incomplete as it refers to the highest age with specifity, but did not mention the age group in relation to the lowest reference. That statement fails to deliver a clear explanation.  
  
and this reached a peak  
Which was?The sentence is improperly written as it lacks definite information.  
  
The writer seems to be rushing through the presentation. The data is merely provided but not completely analyzed. This is highly evident towards the end ofthe discussion as it caused confusing data representations in the last paragraph.
## Description of the Islip center map

  
  
The pictures show the present map of the center of Islip and its proposed development plan.  
  
Overall, the town is to be changed in almost every part of it, with more residential areas and facilities. In addition, the reduction in the public recreation ground and the construction of new road infrastructure is significant.  
  
Islip town centre now has a great space of empty land up to the North, with a great variety of shops on the two sides of the linear main road. However, the shops is planned to be changed into a range of public properties such as the Bus station, Shopping mall, car park, and a new proposed area for residential accommodation. The main road is to be converted into pedestrians roads, while stores and shops on the other side of it will remain.  
  
Remarkable changes lie in the construction of the new road system, which is to be transformed from the unfinished to the dual carriageway surrounding the area. New ground for housing is to be built adjacent to the current one within the surrounding main route, while the space of the public park is to be reduced. We can clearly see that the place of School and residential area at the southern of the town centre is to be remained, with a slight right-moving of the housing and the extension of the local school.
The writer should be aware that a 20 minute essay cannot accomodate 200 plus words being written. The maximum is 200 words, regardless of paragraph number. The text must be direct to the point, with as little word and sentence fillers as possible. For this type of presentation, only a single, marked trend should be provided to create a more focused statement.  
  
Care should be taken when writing. Common place words which are not nouns are capitalized in the paragraphs. Review word capitalization usage rules. The last paragraph is unnecessarily wordy. As long as the writer meets the 150 minimum word count, he is safe from word count penalties.
***Topic:  
In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because they will be able to read everything they want online without paying.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with that statement?

  
  
It seems that more and more people would prefer electronic newspapers to printed ones due to its convenience. Therefore, printed newspapers will no longer be used in the future. People make it an argument for the replacement of ways of daily acquiring information. Personally, I agree with this opinion because of the beneficial effects of e-papers for us.  
  
There is a large quantity of reasons that account for the magnitude of e-papers, but the most basic one is that without paying, e-papers permit people to swiftly update the newest news hourly everywhere. People who are too busy to keep their posted about regular occurrences, e-paper could help with just a click on your bottom. It would send you brief notifications of news on your mobile phone; hence, you will not fritter your time away on going outside and buying newspapers. Furthermore, online newspapers have made it graphic; detailed description and information that could bring readers a crystal-clear observation.  
  
The second reason is the storage of information. Due to the advance of technology and the Fourth Industrial Revolution, online newspapers have developed as an information warehousing, thus, you could read the previous news in case you miss it. Moreover, because the information is systematically stored with a lengthy period, you might find it easy to select the topics that suit you to read or even leave feedback for the authors directly, but otherwise printed one could not do.  
  
In conclusion, electronic newspapers are the optimal choice for the Fourth Industrial Revolution because of the benefits it might bring.
The student altered the discussion reason making the prompt rewrite fail in terms of topic accuracy. To compare:  
  
*OT : ... nobody will buy printed newspapers or books ... online without paying.  
YT : ... people would prefer electronic newspapers ... due to its convenience*  
  
Score points will be deducted based on the change in topic presentation. The topic focus should not be changed in the interpretation. The response statement is also incorrect as a basic response was provided where a measured answer reference was required (to what extent...) The response was not presented in the expected format. The reference to free news access is a must in the restatement.  
  
The writer provides a good set of reasoning paragraphs but the conclusion is faulty. There is an over emphasis on the 4th industrial revolution instead of a discussion summation based on the previous presentation.
## vacation in DALAT

  
  
It was summertime in 2017. My company gave us a vacation in DALAT within three nights. My colleagues and I stayed at a resort near the forest. It was a vacation that I will probably never forget in my life with a series of unexpected problems happening at the lodging.  
  
The beginning of the events was at the restaurant. Everything was good until the evening when we had dinner at the located restaurant. While dinner, I found a worm in the salad dish, and I asked to see the authorized person. Five minutes later, a supervisor appeared and told me that their employee tried to wash the vegetable carefully and was sorry about that. A short while, he asked me to pass away that dish if necessary. I decided to give up the meal right away and came to my room. I didn't think that it was my most nightmare experience.  
  
The second issue I encountered that related to the security of the resort. At 10 pm, we'd heard a knocking door outside, then I left my bed to open the door, and I didn't see anyone there. I required the receptionist to check if someone had just come to my room. In a short moment, the staff informed me that she found nothing on the camera. My roommate - Helen, and I were worried, and as a result, we couldn't sleep until 3 am because the knocking door sound appeared three times a night.  
  
On the last day, Helen and I decided to go to the heated swimming pool to rescue our moods. Unfortunately, when we'd just got out of the elevator, the "swimming pool is under maintenance" board stuck in our eyes. So hard to explain our feelings at that time.  
  
In general, that was an awful trip in my life. I asked my manager to give me three days at home to retrieve my health before coming back to work. I wish these unforgettable experiences were just a dream. Hoping no one has got these disappointing experiences like me.
The opening paragraph should contain a descriptive example of the resort. An effective creative writing essay relies on an effective setting description to set the mood of the presentation. This essay needs to be more descriptive at the start. Breaks in the description are also needed because it tends to become monotonous. Use of dialogue exchanges would have helped it become more engaging in a different descriptive sort of way.  
  
The writer needs to learn when to use prepositions and conjunctions to make the sentence meaning and /or reference clearer. Lessons in phrase verb usage are also necessary . Pass away is a phrase verb that politely refers to the death of someone. So vocabulary in relation to word meaning is also a problem for the writer.  
  
The essay shows the effort the writer put into writing it. However, the lack of English fluency did not allow the essay to back its full potential.
## Pros and cons of Fixed punishments

  
  
These days, different approaches to criminal punishments have been a controversial issue. From my point of view, while many people believe that fixed punishments are beneficial, I strongly agree that the judge should consider carefully the situations and motivations of each criminal led to the crime before imposing punishments.  
  
On the one hand, many residents support the view that punishments should be fixed since they have a plethora of advantages. First and foremost, it is apparently seen that fixed punishments play a vital role in improving judgment efficiency. This is understandable since the judge can easily prescribe the punishment available in the laws based on the evidence and the severity of the crime. As a result, not only do fixed punishments help the judge and observers save their time and money but they also have the ability to decrease a large number of law conflicts between defendants and victims. In addition, fixed punishments are also beneficial for society due to the fact that these penalties will have the potential in decreasing the number of criminals because the inhabitants are aware of their strict punishments for their bad behaviors.  
  
On the other hand, I personally believe that considering other factors such as the criminals' circumstances and motivations is necessary and fair. The prime reason to support my view is that criminals should be punished in suitable punishments. For instance, it is obviously seen that robberies who commit a crime due to their disadvantageous situation should have different punishments from those who break the law because they do not want to work diligently. Furthermore, circumstances and motivations for committing should be taken into account before prescribing is extremely essential and useful for the judges as they can make the best decisions. Hence, there are willing to be fewer conflicts in society.  
  
In summary, despite the advantages of fixed punishments, it seems to me that each crime should be judged taking both the situations and motivation into account.
The writer has an inaccurate prompt interpretation. There are 2 public opinions presented in the original prompt. These points ofier should have been rewritten in the restatement + opinion paragraph.The discussion instruction asks for a 3 reasoning paragraph opinion explanation. This is not an agree or disagree essay. Nor is it a measured response essay.  
  
The TA score made the essay fail immediately because of the unrelated task response. This failure will be hard to overcome. it is quite possible that the essay will not qualify for a passing score of any sort. All because the writer misunderstood the writing instructions. The discussion does not show a correct assessment of the discussion topic as required. The writer must become familiar with the 5 paragraph reasoning / discussion style for this essay.
## In the past shopping is a routine domestic task

  
***Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
In the recent years, shopping is considered as a common leisure pursuit rather than a housework as it was a plethora of years ago. Numerous people assume that this trend had better to be encouraged. I agree with this idea to a large extent, however, the drawbacks are quite enormous. Therefore, valid arguments for both sides of this issue will be presented in this essay.  
  
On the one hand, there are two compelling arguments supporting that this change shall not be regarded as beneficial. The fundamental one is that shopping with a high frequency brings about a financial burden on the purchasers. It is not uncommon to see people buying things which are not listed previously and not essential for their daily life. If one has not had a strong economic background, he/she may in the near future ought to loosen other necessary purse-strings. Secondly, a shopaholic can waste an enormous time amount. The one who consider shopping as a hobby can spend hours in the shopping mall. Undoubtedly, this activity is extremely time-consuming. Thus, they will not have much time working or spending with their beloveds.  
  
On the other hand, that shopping is becoming a hobby brings a beneficial signal to the society. Principally, it shows that our life quality is improving. As people have a more abundant budget, their hobbies also change. For instance, instead of doing the normal activities like playing sports, doing the gardening, etc, they go shopping to purchase new clothes, foods or decorating items. By going shopping, they can also relax, and become happier due to the fact that they can spend their own money to buy the things they like. Moreover, when shopping becomes an interest, the consumption amount is increased, and the service industry develop significantly. As a result, there are more occupational opportunities for the youth applying for commercial industry.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that while considering shopping as a hobby still has several disadvantages, the beneficial effects that the trend brings us is far more colossal. Additionally, people should have the chance to do things that they are keen on.
The essay will get a failing TA score which could lead to an overall failing score. The score is the result of a response that is not related to the given task. The writer added a discussion format that was not in the original. The topic e-presentation is acceptable even though the vocabulary is not composed of everyday English words as required. It is the discussion basis that altered the essay to the point of failure.  
  
Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Response: I agree with this idea to a large extent, however, the drawbacks are quite enormous. Therefore, valid arguments for both sides of this issue will be presented in this essay.  
  
The discussion center for the essay is actually the topic:  
  
*IN THE PAST SHOPPING IS A ROUTINE DOMESTIC TASK  
Many people nowadays regard it as a hobby.*  
  
Which of the 2 idea presentations does the writer agree with to a large extent? Why? The why is what needs to be explained. This is not an advantage and disadvantage comparison. It is this change in focus that made the essay fail.