dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello everybody, this is my first post here! I would really appreciate if anyone can help me with correcting my essay. Thank you very much!  
  
**Q. Some people think that young people should follow traditions of their society, while others think young people should be free to behave as they will. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
## Do not limit young people

  
  
Raising children is always problematic and controversial, especially in terms of following traditions or being unlimited, while both views have their advantages and drawbacks. On my perspective, I suggest we should not focus on any side of them but find a balance between these two important ideas.  
  
Traditional thinking can both benefit and limit us in many ways. Orthodox regulations or norms had been formed based on the wisdom of our ancestors in order to prevent unnecessary mistakes for happening again. Sometimes, this wisdom can help we spare time and energy. By contrast, it could be also detrimental if we overemphasize on the power of conventional ideas and be too dependent on them. That is to say, as the world is changing rapidly, we can hardly find any perfect indication which is suitable for every generation. Apparently, following traditions of young people's society is not the best option.  
  
However, as encouraging young people to be free to behave as they will is not the truth as well, there are several reasons why I argue this view. Many people suggest that young people should not be limited by the orthodox norms when they are productive and creative. Whereas, I doubt this point of view can make the best of productivity and creativity. Because of without acquiring the lessons which antecedents had learned from the past, the youngs are more likely to undergo the same mistakes again, which is an unreasonable behaviour. Also, I do not think that anyone is allowed to forget or ignore the truth of who they are and where they come from.  
  
To sum up, while traditions of our society and the creativity and productivity of young people are both vital elements of education, I disagree we should focus more on any side, instead, we should dedicate ourselves to balance these two ideas.
Johnny, the essay asks you to discuss 2 points of view aside from your own. What you ended up doing was doing an extended discussion of your personal opinion instead. The essay requires 3 body paragraphs that indicate the discussions as follows:  
  
1. Argue the side for the traditional beliefs  
2. Argue for the free will belief  
3. Argue for your personal belief in relation with the belief that you support (As such, the topic of bodies 1 and 2 are interchangeable).  
  
Your opening statement does not properly represent the required paraphrasing either. There isn't any clear representation of the discussion and the required discussion format which should have been represented as:  
  
*These days, a discussion has been ongoing regarding young people and the traditions of their society. There are some people who believe that young people must be raised in the traditions of their culture. Others, believe that traditional cultures have to give way to the free will of young people, allowing them to behave freely within society. In this essay, I will be presenting the supporting facts for each side before finally discussing my personal opinion regarding the matter.*  
  
The purpose of the opening statement is to help you outline the discussion for presentation to the reader. That is why the prompts are provided in a specific reference manner. Your opening statement did not accomplish this task. Additionally, the essay does not discuss each point of view specifically either. As I previously mentioned, the essay focused solely on your personal discussion and nothing more. You need to make any references to either point of view, prior to your personal opinion clearer by actually making reference to the point of view as the topic sentence of the paragraph.  
  
By the way, your personal opinion does not represent a concluding statement. That is nothing but an additional body paragraph. The concluding statement must show that you have the ability to analyze the discussion by once again, repeating the prompt requirement, then summarizing the important points in your discussion, before finally, repeating your personal opinion as the closing line of the discussion. If you accomplish all of these requirements in the set manner, you will be sure to pass the test on exam day.
**An equal number of male and female students in every subject at university**  
  
## equal rights and options to study

  
  
Gender equality has become a controversial topic in a variety of issues including employment, administration, job promotion and even education. When it comes to education, the majority of people insist on the similar student numbers of each gender in college courses. The others claim that students should be given the same educational opportunities regardless of genders. In my opinion, I do not agree with the idea of admitting students into college based on sexes.  
  
Firstly, all students both male and female should be offered the equal opportunities when it comes to university options. In fact, most of the students only find themselves interested in their studies if they literally enjoy what they choose to study. Specifically, many college courses tend to attract one gender more than the others. For instance, most of the male applicants seem to be unfit for nursing courses as they are not able to be patient and careful like women to take care of patients. Therefore, it will be unfair to base admission to university subjects on genders.  
  
Secondly, no one should be excluded or limited to pursue what they enjoy to study at universities. All students should have entitled to access in every subject rather than being equal numbers of genders on every course. In fact, the proportions of students applying for their universities should base on their eligibility instead of genders. By this, I mean students are capable of performing well in what they study if they pursue the right dreams, choose the right majors or set the right goals regardless of sexes. This is why the admission of students into colleges based on male and female has been not encouraged these days.  
  
In conclusion, students should be given equal rights and options to make a decision about what they are passionate about to study. There may be some subjects popular with female applicants but not with the male ones. Besides, students' academic performances do not depend on genders but their own qualifications. Therefore, universities shouldn't set a fixed limit on the proportions of men and women on all college courses
Nguyen, I understand that this is your first IELTS Task 2 practice essay. So you are not familiar at all with the writing requirements of the task yet. Let me set you straight on its requirements then because you currently do not write in the manner required of the task.  
  
The first paragraph is used to outline the topic for discussion. This outline is based on the original prompt information and requires you to only paraphrase or restate the given information in your own words. This includes the instructions for discussion presented as the thesis statement at the end of the 5 sentence paragraph. No full discussion of information is required. You are also expected to limit your paraphrasing to only the material provided. So expanding the discussion to make reference to workplace and other related information is considered a prompt deviation. In your next practice test, just expand the discussion based solely on the provided information.By the way, you are required to provide us with the original prompt or discussion requirements along with your response essay for analysis purposes. Please don't forget to do that next time.  
  
Another reminder, the concluding paragraph of the essay must never continue the discussion of the given topic. That is because the concluding statement is required to only do what the opening statement asked you to do as a recap. Meaning to say, you must again summarize the discussion topic, give a run down or summary of the details of the discussion, then repeat your opinion or any final information as required by the essay.  
  
A personal opinion is always a stand alone paragraph that comes as the 4th paragraph in a 2 points of view plus personal opinion discussion essay. It is never a part of the conclusion as your point of view requires a thorough discussion development, just like the previous paragraph discussions.  
  
The essay that you wrote is good. Your first 2 body paragraphs are well developed, discussed, and represented. It shows a clear analysis being performed regarding the given topic. You also have some acceptable English grammar and vocabulary skills. However, I cannot judge its prompt responsiveness and accuracy as you did not provide the prompt instructions along with your essay. The review I gave above is enough to help you get your next essay back on track though. Take note of the general comments as it applies to your next practice test.  
  
I look forward to reading your next practice test along with its original prompt. Don't bother to post the prompt after my discussion for this essay because an official review can only be given once for every thread in this forum.
**Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed.  
  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## Illustration of Branfield city and planned investment

  
  
The map illustrates city Branfield which is divided into two sections, S1 and S2, as suggested by city planners who want to construct a new shopping mall in the region.  
  
As can be seen from the map, the two sites are separated due to the railway running from Northwest to Southeast.  
  
S1 is located in the North of the area. The place contains a housing estate built in the centre of the North, which is passed through by a road directing forward Northeast. In addition, there is also an industrial estate far in the bottom end of S1.  
  
On the other hand, S2 accounted for the rest of the land. Nearest to the landmark put the city centre that comes across the road and the railway and is run through by the river. Additionally, to the left of the city centre is a golf course and park running from Northwest to Southwest.  
  
**If possible, please score my essay as well.**  
  
*
Tran, this is a pretty acceptable summary of the map. However, there were some comparison points that you seemed to have missed out on in the map. Did you notice that there were some sections that overlapped in both sections 1 and 2? You did not report those overlapping areas in your comparison information for the essay. When the instruction instructs you to look for and report comparisons when relevant, that is a clue that you should look for overlapping portions in the illustration provided. The overlapping comparison points are there which is why you are being advised to look for those parts and report it. It isn't obvious at first glance, you need to look over the map a second time after you write your draft in order to make sure that you reported on all of the required points.  
  
There was a mistake in the way that you wrote the summary overview. In your report, you did not make it clear that the 2 sites are being considered for the building of one mall. Your report makes it seem like there are going to be 2 malls built on 2 separate sites. That is not the case. By the way, you could have brought up the sentence about the trend to the summary portion in order to complete the minimum sentence count per paragraph. The task 1 essay is considered complete with 3-4 paragraphs reflected anyway. The third paragraph could have been the comparison points of the overlapping areas. No concluding statement is necessary in a Task 1 essay so your summary analysis would have been considered complete using my suggested presentation.
Hello Tran, in my opinion, the following points need to be corrected.  
1. The map illustrates the city of Brandfield  
2. The place contains a housing estate built ... I think you should devide this sentences in two sentence. Because "relative clause" used many times in one sentence make the sentence lengthy and complex.  
  
and this sentence have a similar fault : "Nearest to the landmark put the city ..."  
  
3. " to the left of the city centre ". In this situation, you should use the words for direction such as south, north, ect instead of "the left of.."  
  
I hope my help is useful to you.
Q1 : The opening are very similar to the question, is it ok or not ?  
  
Please give me an advise and the score i may reach in IELTS. Thank you.  
  
## Total number of visitors to Ashdown Museum

  
  
The table with a set of data present the total number of visitors before and after the Ashdown Museum refurbished. Two given pie chart also illustrate the result of survey in percentage about the visitor's opinion in satisfy or not in the same period.  
  
Overall, there are less number of visitors with more dissatisfied, which the total number of visitors are increased with more satisfy after the museum was refurbished.  
  
Before the refurbishment, the museum have in total 74000 number of visitors to visit. Half of them are dissatisfied or very dissatisfied, while still have 45% visitors are satisfied or very satisfied and 5% are not in response. Situation changed after the refurbishment, the visitors are raised to 92000 also with the satisfaction. The proportion of visitors who are satisfied or very satisfied are sharply increased from 45% to 75%, while the visitors who are dissatisfied or very dissatisfied are dropped from 50% to 20% and the proportion of no response visitors remain unchanged.  
  
Words: 164  
  
*
In response to your question, no, it is not alright to have an opening that is highly similar to the original instructions provided. The whole point of the first paragraph is to allow you to display your ability to represent the original discussion in your own words. You have to deliver your own understanding of the prompt requirements, as well as the overview of the supplied information points in a manner that best suits your English comprehension and writing abilities. Failure to do so will result in lowered scores across all the scoring considerations.  
  
Your essay cannot score well because of the lack of comparison points within the analysis presentation. The proper representation would have been to present the percentages before refurbishment in one paragraph, after refurbishment in the next paragraph, then a comparison of the trends, high points, and lowest points, in the last paragraph. These would have been sufficient enough to gain you a passing score in the actual test.
## Performing tasks remotely

  
  
It has been a prevalent trend for modern employees to perform tasks from a distance thanks to the advancement of computer networks. This has led to both inconveniences and opportunities. Ultimately, it appears to me that such work pattern is still worthwhile, in a sense that it allows workers to overcome several disadvantages of conventional labor.  
  
On one hand, working at home has its own pitfalls, namely distraction and isolation. Interruption from neighbors, friends, family might be very disruptive, thus reducing work productivity, combined with the temptation to procrastinate and let the work pile up. Meanwhile, most people find it hard to finish tasks because of not being able to bounce ideas off colleagues or because of breakdowns in communication through emails and phone calls.  
  
On the other hand, it's no doubt that one can greatly benefit from starting a business in the house. **Firstly**, by personalizing their work situations, such as setting up a flexible schedule as an alternative to the traditional 9 to 5, employees can keep a work-life balance. Home-based employees are often capable of working continuously when sick, returning to work quickly following surgery or pregnancy, and handling personal appointments without losing a full day of work. **Secondly**, remote work means cutting numerous costs including costs of commuting as well as indirect costs like professional wardrobes and on-the-go meals. **Lastly**, this novel way of work has enabled top talents to be hired despite geographic limits. Therefore, I reckon that the advantages can far outweigh the hassles. The main explanation is that some problems listed have the potential to be tackled with dedication, focus, and high self-discipline from employees themselves.  
  
Overall, the idea of having a home-based office is very challenging yet appealing at the same time. It is recommended for those who wish to be their own boss and strive to develop such modern attitude towards work. This work pattern should be encouraged in this era of modern telecommunication technologies.  
  
[324 WORDS]
Here is my view on your essay  
...distance, thanks to the...  
...in a sense, it allows...  
 working home has its own pitfalls in stead of "On one hand", working has its own pitfalls...  
On the other hand, ~~it's no doubt that~~ one can benefit greatly from starting a business in the house.  
I prefer you use words like in all, in brief, etc for your concluding paragraph  
I hope you find this helpful
Nguyen, you seem to have forgotten to post the full original discussion instructions for your essay in this post. It will be extremely difficult to determine the validity of your responses without the baseline that the original prompt requirements creates for me. That is the reference point for everyone here who wishes to help review your work.  
  
I will congratulate you on writing so many words for this essay. However, the number of words that you used does not mean that you created an impressive essay in terms of content. Your essay is severely lacking in terms of discussion development because you used 3 reasons in one paragraph for the advantages and barely tried to explain the disadvantages. Without proper paragraph development, no amount of LR in relation to the word count will help to increase your score.  
  
Limit your paragraph development to only 5 sentences per paragraph. That is the academic requirement for these tests. Do not go beyond it. This is not a test of English vocabulary skills. This is a test of being able to express yourself in an understandable manner in English. That means, you need to be able to prove to the examiner that you are capable of developing more than just simple English sentences as you do now. You need to focus on creating complex sentences and impressive task discussions instead. In order to create that impression, you will need to create a total of 5, properly developed paragraphs.  
  
You only have 4 paragraphs here with the 3rd paragraph running longer than acceptable. Points will be lost for that extremely long paragraph. Remember, you only get to discuss one topic per paragraph. Don't bunch them all in. I counted 4 topics in the 3rd paragraph. That means you were not able to properly develop any of the discussion points. Instead of increasing your score, your score will be reduced instead.
Hello Giang,  
  
Here is my view on your essay:  
  
*modern* employees => recent employees,  
*conventional* => general,  
one one hand => on the one hand  
its ~~own~~ pitfalls => its pitfalls,  
  
repetitive words:  
  
employees => workers,  
greatly => significantly,  
main = > central,  
their ~~own~~ boss => their boss.  
  
I hope it can help you  
  
Minh Phuc
## Uk railways in numbers

  
  
The line graph depicts the number of three distinct types of the railway on passenger journeys in The United Kingdom during 1950 to 2005, measured in millions. The highlight, both of national rail network and London underground remained to a slight decrease; however, these types went up considerably at the beginning of twenty-one centuries.  
  
First of all, National rail network had approximately a thousand million passengers and peaked at just over 1100 million passengers. In spite of the fact that this value had a noticeable decrease to bring at for about a half by the highest numbers in 1980. This railway increased dramatically in the last twenty years to back at the beginning number. In addition, London underground followed the railway network pattern although this railway started at just under 750 million passengers in the first appearance. Furthermore, Light rail and metro system were the types of railway that built after 1960. These railways did not present the evolution number of passengers which just started and finished at over 20 and under 250 million passengers, respectively.
Ahmad, the accurate analysis of your essay cannot be presented because of the lack of the illustrations on your part. The images should have been uploaded so that a better comparison of your work in relation to the given information can be accomplished. With that said, I have to tell you that the essay that you presented lacks a number of skills in its presentation. The major problem with the essay is the format. While there is an incomplete overview and a simple trending statement, the ideal presentation for the essay is within 3-5 paragraphs. The lack of which, shows a less than stellar analysis of the information provided. There was simply no attempt on your part to even try to relate a more intricate representation of the images you were provided. Even the data you present in the second paragraph feels incomplete. Always aim to divide your discussion presentations into topic paragraphs in order to deliver a better analysis of the information you were provided. I cannot go further than this in my analysis due to the lack of image. I hope that you can provide an image for analysis along with your next practice test. I will be able to better assist you then.
(Hello everybody, this is the first time I have joined this forum. I would be grateful to receive your help. Thank you very much.)  
  
Task: **Why do you think some people are attracted to dangerous sports or other dangerous activities ?**  
  
## What make people engaging in risky activities?

  
  
Many people like common sports and activities bringing a fit health. However, some people are keen on playing dangerous sports for three main reasons: seeking new experiences, clearing away the negative mood and showing that they are brave, confident and strong.  
  
The first reason why some people are interested in dangerous sports or activities is that wishing to seek new experiences. These people often feel curiously with activities they have never joined before. Therefore, they would like to play to experience new feelings such as extreme excitement or scary.  
  
Another reason is that the dangerous sports help people reduce the negative feelings such as stress and sadness. For example, when people are under a high pressure they wish to experience the dangerous activities so as to forget it. Therefore, these activities bring people a more comfortable and happier mood.  
  
Finally, people enjoy playing dangerous sports as they want to show that they are brave, confident and strong. Some people especially the young join these sports to show friends their particular ability. For example, they often take photos to record the moments they play dangerous sports and then post them on the social network for showing. The young is really happy when having compliments from their friends.  
  
In conclusion, a large number of people adore joining dangerous sports or other dangerous activities due to looking for new experiences, relaxing and showing themselves. However, I think people should consider carefully before joining this kind of sports because it might endanger their life.