dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
In the 2nd paragraph you elude to "the thing," you should state the actual reasoning instead of referring back to a past statement.  
Some sentences are too choppy and are hard to understand the flow, going back to past sentecnces and reading them allowed might help for instance the paragraph/sentence: Nowadays, the higher demand ...  
  
Can be revised to something along the lines of:  
In recent years there has been a demand for a faster more reliable, and up to date source for news. As a result newspapers have become more and more obsolete, shifting the traditional newspapers to more modern forms of news such as smartphones and social media. Although newspapers are becoming less relied on for obtaining day to day news, in my opinion they will not disappear anytime soon.
Hanh, the good news is that you were able to provide an accurate prompt paraphrase and thesis statement in the opening paragraph. The bad news, is that your essay will fail tremendously in terms of cohesiveness and coherence scoring considerations. It is extremely difficult to understand what you are saying in most paragraphs because you are thinking in Vietnamese and then translating to English. That is why your essay comes across as transliterations instead of English thoughts. You have to practice thinking and writing in English in order to ensure that you improve in your written grammar. You can do this by reading more English publications and doing more written grammar exercises before you start to write your practice tests. That way your grammar lessons will still be fresh in your mind and thus, allow you write a more English appropriate essay. You should avoid writing essays for now and focus on developing your English thought and writing process instead. You should only start writing essays when you can already think and write without effort in English.
ielts-exam.net/academic\_writing\_samples\_task\_1/1002/  
  
*The charts below show the reasons why people travel to work by bicycle or by car.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
## Commuting to work

  
  
The first pie chart shows the reasons why people cycle to work while the second pie chart represents the reasons why people drive to work. In general, the main reasons for driving to work are comfort and distance to work and the primary reasons for cycling to work are health fitness and less pollution.  
  
Based on the first pie chart, health and fitness and less pollution account for 60% of total whereas reasons such as no parking problems, no costs and faster than driving represent only small proportion of total. Namely, faster driving and no costs make up exactly 25% of total and the rest belongs to no parking problems.  
  
As for the reasons for driving to work, comfort and distance to work are the key ones. Reasons such as safer than cycling, need to carry things to work and faster than cycling are minor. Precisely, the reason called "safer than cycling" only accounts for 11% of total and reasons called" need to carry things to work" and "faster than cycling" represent 28% of total.  
  
I am aiming for an 8 in IELTS writing.
@PeterBrown  
  
Hi,  
  
I think you have covered most of the points. However, I have a few suggestions:-  
  
> "**In general, the main reasons for driving to work ...**"  
  
This statement should ideally come at the end. Your essay has a very abrupt ending otherwise.  
  
> "**whereas reasons such as no parking problems...**"  
You need to mention the exact percentage to draw out a comparison. "small" is a very subjective word.  
  
I have corrected some structural changes as I see fit:-  
  
Hope this helps :)
Peter, next time, please upload the image of the chart with the essay as it is easier for us to make a comparison of your work against the illustration in that manner. Also, we are trying to avoid infecting our computers with viruses from outside and unverified sites. That is why the upload button is included in the text box. If you do not upload the image next time, I will no longer be able to review your essay due to your violation of forum policies.  
  
As for your aim to get a band score of 8, you will not be able to do that with this particular essay. The reason you cannot do it is because you only wrote 175 words. You need at least 200 words to qualify for that band score consideration. At 175 words, you will not score more than a 5. The band score of 8 and above shows a consistent use of simple and complex sentences, advanced English vocabulary, and at the maximum of 5 complete, coherent, and cohesive sentences per paragraph.  
  
I realize that you tried to model your response based on the sample response that you read. Rather than imitating the sample response to the letter, you should tried to do a better job than the sample essay. In my opinion, which my students have followed on their way to garnering a perfect 9 score during the actual test, the best format for the 2 illustration analysis essay is as follows:  
  
Par. 1 - Type of chart, summarized information (type of data, how the data was acquired, and measurement style), discussion instruction, and trending statement.  
Par. 2 - Outline of the information from chart 1 with specific percentage information presented for each criteria  
Par. 3 - Same as above only using chart 2 information with the comparison information for the 14% similar information from chart 2.  
  
The 3 paragraph minimum is sufficient enough to garner a score of 8 provided you properly represented the information in the paragraph. I already explained how you can do that in my previous statement.  
  
You did a pretty good job with this essay though. It was informative enough but shallow in terms of discussion in relation to comparisons, lexical resource, expanded explanations. You need to present a better mix of simple and complex sentences as well. These are the reasons why you were not able to score higher than a 5 in my opinion. You have the potential to easily achieve the 8 band score if you just work on the points I mentioned above.
Topic: *More and more people are moving away from an agriculture background to relocate in cities in order to look for work. What will be the consequences of this? What solutions can you offer?*  
  
## development in rural areas is necessary

  
  
Nowadays, people prefer working in urban area to farming in their hometown. This trend will raise the issue of overpopulation in some megacities. This pressing problem challenges the authorities' ability to create more jobs and attract people to settle in country side.  
  
Indeed, overpopulation in urban areas straining city infrastructure, as public transportations, roads and housing will not be able to meet demands. Infrastructure take time and money to progress which is not at the same rate as people migrant to big cities. The result can be seen in traffic jam, raise in house rent price, quickly damaged roads and so forth. In addition, needs for basic necessities can be exceeded cities' ability to supply. For example, there may not enough fresh water and electricity for all households. Shortage in necessities will affect citizens' life quality and hurt the economy. As the number of rural migrants raise due to people seeking jobs, authorities need to ensure the balance between urban and rural employment.  
  
To tackle this problem, government should make long-sighted improvement in country sides such as improve in infrastructure and create more jobs. The main attraction of big cities is they have more job opportunities with higher standard wages. Therefore, improvement in infrastructure can encourage companies and manufactures to be opened in these areas. As quality of life and salary rates are improved, people are more likely to stay in their hometown than migrant to urban centre.  
  
In conclusion, overpopulation due to migrant rates can causes catastrophic consequences, government need to address this problem by long-term development in rural areas.  
  
Thank for reading!
Hi Vu, these are my thoughts for improvements of your writing. Hopefully, my suggestions can help you.  
Firstly, your thesis statement to describe your mind about the solution in the first paragraph should use proper introductory sentence. It seemed that the sentence is a force done because of effects of the circumstance, whereas the prompts asks solution offers. Following this, in the second paragraph, you are supposed to show logic flow to review what you argue about the case. There is a gap when you mentioned needing time and money, and house rent price. You should associate problems and effect from transmigration. Besides, it's better that you focus on what you elucidate because you reviewed many topic in the first body paragraph, including economic sector. However, you have not explained those in depth.  
  
Actually, your ideas in the second body paragraph is good, but you still need improvement to deliver you idea. You can get achieving the task respond if you could display you ideas systematically. For basic explanation, you are supposed to write your solution and then you include your reason why it can be successfully implicated so that you can strengthen your opinion.  
  
I hope these can improve your writing skill. GOOD LUCK
Hi Vu, You should address what are you about to do to the reviewer in your essay by providing the instruction in your opening so that it would be smoother.  
  
I agree with Akbar that you should focus on matching up the solutions to its causes that you have mentioned in your essay. There are many good ideas that you have placed in one single paragraph which had been waiting for you to develop them fully. If you can divide them as at least two paragraphs, it could increase the chance of getting a higher score.  
  
In your conclusion, you supposed to restate your main ideas to it.  
  
Hope that helps.
*Deforestation caused by human activity is happening in many parts of the world, with serious results for the environment.  
What do you think can be done to solve this problem?*  
  
## Forest fragmentation effects

  
  
Forests are being exploited for consumer goods in daily across the globe. Which resulting numerous negative impacts on our planet. In this essay, I will present three possible, adequate solutions for this particular issue below.  
  
One feasible solution is to tighten the environmental laws to the logging industry. By constricting the environmental regulation to the lumber industry It would not only reduce the rapid rate of logging but also aid the inhabitants to survive. Therefore, it could unstress the threats from deforestation.  
  
Another viable way to solve this issue is the consumers ought to purchase the substitution of wood made products whenever they have a choice. Specifically, the replacement materials of wood products are usually reusable after being recycled which means they are environmentally friendly. As a result, the patrons of deliberately purchase these products for everyday use around the world would definitely assist the recovery to its cause in a long run.  
  
Finally, the deed of replanting trees from logging companies is also an effective method to solve its problem. In other words, deforestation is killing the habitats of many forms of species. Through reconstructing its re-plant trees process from the originators its issue of lumber companies, it would absolutely help to balance the devastating cause in the first place.  
  
To recapitulate, the demands of timber products from us are inducing foreseeable pitfalls around the world. Though, I believe that by tightening our protection to its environmental laws against the logging industry and the support from its consumers are two ways to tackle this problem. Furthermore, the timber companies themselves should also take their actions in replanting trees at the exploited areas.  
  
Words: 274  
  
Managed to get it done in 40 mins, though I did some corrections afterward. It would be much appreciated if you could score my essay. Thank you.
SG, when you write these practice tests, always use the exam center set up in order to better prepare for the test. You are only cheating yourself when you take longer than the allotted amount of time to write the essay and then even go back to change the way you wrote parts of it. You won't be able to do that during the test. If you persist in practicing in a non-traditional way, you will find yourself having a hard time catching up with the time frame on exam day. Practice in an actual setting. That is the best way to improve your writing skills and scoring potential.  
  
In the first paragraph, the term consumer goods does not apply because consumer goods normally relates to manufactured products available in stores. It does not relate to deforestation. It would have been better to claim that human progress is affecting the forests internationally and as such, results in negative impacts on our forest. Your discussion instruction representation is sufficient. There was no need to mention 3 solutions though because there are only 3 body paragraphs anyway. So you don't need to inform the reviewer about that.  
  
Developing only 3 sentences per paragraph reduces your increased scoring chances. Aim to always present 5 sentences in order to increase the explanation aspect of the paragraph, which in turn results in less stress for the reader and an increased chance of writing more complex sentences. This will increase 2 scoring aspects immediately, the C&C and GRA portions.  
  
Paragraph 3 is the part that I believe you revised. The revision did not work because it is incoherent, was not developed properly, and seems to not really make a valid point in the discussion. No matter how many times I read that part, I cannot make sense of what you are trying to say.  
  
In the conclusion, present the 3 solutions overview before you that there are X number of ways to tackle the problem. That would make the presentation smoother. As for your final score for this essay, I think it will be anywhere between a 5.5 and a 6, depending upon the other details the examiner will consider on exam day. The main problems are the problematic use of lexical resources, confusing C&C presentation, and problematic GRA presentations. Address these problems in your next essay and the practice test should result in a better score.
@Holt, thank you so much for the informative feedback. You are right, this is called cheating if I revise it afterward. From now on, I will follow the actual test setting to practice and try to use various grammatical forms to construct my sentences, though I remember you have reminded me a while ago, I did not fully understand back then.  
  
I have a question to ask, in regard to the problematic use of lexical resources, is it because the words that I use are too basic? Or the paraphrasing words to avoid repetition are the issue?
IELTS 12 Test 7  
In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
  
## funding new railway lines?

  
  
People in some countries believe that a large amount of money should be used on the construction of new railways, while other people argue that emphasis should be put on developing public transport. I think both infrastructures are vital in people's daily life and we should not neglect either of it.  
  
Railway plays one of the most fundamental role in a nation's transport, and the build of new railway lines could not only connect different cities, but also help a region's economic development. Compared to airplane, transport via trains saves far more costs, and in terms of time, it is less time-consuming in comparison with river transport. In this way, the development of railway system helps the improvement of local economy. Furthermore, it facilitates people by shortening our commuting time, helping to close connections among different cities. For instance, the traveling time is saved by double once the high-speed railway was built between Shanghai and Beijing, so the communication between people from these two cities becomes easier.  
  
On the other hand, existing public transport is essential and affects everyone's daily life. The improvement of public transport, such as subways and buses, will have direct benefits to every citizen living in the city. In addition, the construction of public transport not only gives more options to citizens in transportation, but also becomes an expedient way to control the usage of private cars, the main source of air pollution.  
  
In conclusion, I think financial support should be put on both constructions. Only in this way can people live a more convenient and comfortable life. (262 words)  
  
I cherish every piece of advice!
***Hi Qianting**, these are my thoughts about your writing. Hopefully, these can improve your writing skill.  
For your introductory paragraph (the first paragraph), it is enough good, but you needed to deliver proper word to display what you think such as "the emphasis should be put..". Turning to your body paragraph, your writing missed coherence and cohesion for building your opinion there. In the first body paragraph, you mentioned that the fast trains can help to connect easily among cities, but you did not present supporting sentences to strengthen your view. Actually, the first sentence of the first paragraph showed that you would review connection, and then saving budget. However, you could not meet those systematically.  
  
Looking at your second paragraph closely, you said that improving the public transport benefit directly, but you did not write those. It seemed as the list of idea without strong reasons. In the same case, you also the mode can control the level of the population, but you did not still present your strong opinion encouraged by logic reasons. Avoid it seemed as layman's opinion.  
  
I hope these a few suggestion can help you to make this essay better. GOOD LUCK*
Hi Qianting, I have paraphrased the topic for its reference.  
  
Some people who live in a portion of countries believe that opening the novelties of efficient train services for travel across city capitals is vital and therefore, it should be concentrated with sufficient funds. Though, others think that rather spending on building new lines for cities travel, the funding ought to focus on the transportation in its public. In this essay, I will discuss both sides perspectives and provide my own opinion at the end.  
  
Hope that helps.
Some people believe that it is good to share as much as information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Some people believe that some information is too important or too invaluable to be shared freely.  
  
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
  
## sharing information or keeping it under cover

  
  
It is believed that sharing is a vital step in conducting research and doing business, while some people contend the idea that not all information can be shared at wills. In my opinion, I think sharing should be encouraged in the condition that others' profits are not violated.  
  
Information sharing plays a central role in fields like business and academic. Most scholars develop their ideas and theories based on the previous studies, so if every scientist only focuses on their own jobs without borrowing ideas from each other, innovation and creation could hardly be achieved. Walt, being as the most prestigious and significant scientists during Industrial Revolution, transformed the steam machine according to various inventors' experiences and advice. In this way, sharing information smooths the research by allowing researchers being exposed to various possibilities.  
  
On the other hand, it is true that not all information can be shared according to everyone's wishes. Firstly, some information might be confidential and can not be set accessible to the public. For instance, during business cooperation, contracts regulated between two companies might not be open to the public. Otherwise, both companies' profits will be threatened by their opponents. Secondly, information in government or state's organizations may contain privacy of its citizens. These information, in fact, should be protected instead of being released, not to mention being passed around among different groups, since the sharing of it will cause damage to everyone's privacy.  
  
In conclusion, I think that information sharing has many merits in various fields, but we should be aware of its result before we share it.  
  
I will cherish every piece of advice. Thanks everyone!
Hi Qian, you should have a paragraph only to discuss your opinion, further, you do not need to state your opinion in the first paragraph as it meant for paraphrasing only and to present what are you about to do next in regard to this type of essay:  
  
It is a common belief that openly shares its information is a way that leads to a better world whether it is in scientific research or academics or business. Though others believe that some information contains too significant and priceless work that should not be shared for free of cost. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view and contribute my own opinion to this discussion below.  
  
Also, the conclusion section is for you to wrap up all the main ideas that you have developed in the previous paragraph, not restating your opinion.
Qianting, while the advice given above is sufficient, it is still lacking in terms of sample requirements. The above example you were given is too similar to the original prompt to be considered an accurate paraphrase. A paraphrase that is acceptable to an examiner must not sound similar in any manner to the original but, it must contain the original content or message of the essay. Therefore, if you follow the above example, you will lose on TA scoring considerations. Hence the following is the example that you should be following:  
  
*The world of academics, science, and economics have been known to freely exchange information with one another within their respective fields. However, others do not share the same practice because of their belief that sensitive information is vital and must not be openly distributed within an immediate circle. This essay will consider both sides of the discussion. I will also be sharing my personal opinion about this topic towards the end of the essay.*  
  
It is not enough to simply use different words or the keywords in the presentation of the opening paraphrase. It is important that you change your paraphrase enough to deliver a clear understanding of the prompt on a different lexical level as well. English comprehension skills, which are scored at the very beginning is based on your ability to explain the original prompt, in a manner that identifies your level of English use, understanding, and grammar development abilities as well. That is why a simple paraphrasing is not enough. It has to be "different" in presentation for the score possibilities to be maximized.  
  
The conclusion you wrote is only partially completed. It lacks 2 more sentences with which you should have restated the two opinions regarding the topic for discussion. It is vital that your conclusion always represents at least 3 sentences because you will not be able to maximize your scoring potential if you limit yourself to one run-on or 2 sentences alone. A proper sample concluding statement is formatted as follows:  
  
*In conclusion, let us consider the following information: (opinion 1) based on the idea that information should be freely shared. However, (opinion 2) cautions against the dangers of open sharing due to... Based on this information, I believe that my opinion that... is best when considering the topic for discussion.*  
  
The above is just a general sample of a concluding statement. It can change / vary depending upon the type of discussion presented.