dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
charging for an information  
  
I am preparing for the IELTS test. I really hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing and score it if possible. Thank you!  
  
**Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
Information is essential for people to do scientific research, run a business and study. However, information is not always free to acquire and some people argue about whether we should pay for gaining information. In my opinion, information should sometimes charge for some reasons.  
  
Many people work hard to write articles and produce data so it is reasonable to charge some fees instead of sharing all of the information freely. Charging some fees from the people who need the information could encourage business or experts to innovate new products or produce more data because they can make a fortune by doing so. For example, scientist who invent new things would register a patent in order to protect his invention from being stolen. If anyone wants to use the invention, he has to communicate with the inventor and pay for the invention. This gives incentive for people to dedicate themselves in producing.  
  
On the other hand, some people think that it is better to share information with others freely. This argument also makes a sense since knowledge can be widely spread if there is no restriction to access. Therefore, the poor who are not affordable to pay for the information have opportunities to gain more knowledge and improve themselves. This might narrow the gap between the rich and the poor because the poor can be educated through getting the information. However, people who produce the information may lose incentive to produce because their precious works are share freely. Hence, the number of information may decrease.  
  
In conclusion, both of these views have advantages and disadvantage but we should not take free information for granted or we will have less chance to see outstanding information.
Yuh, I will not score this essay since this is your first time posting at this forum. I always use the first essay to judge your English comprehension abilities along with other scoring considerations. I then offer improvement tips which I hope to see implemented with the next essay posting. So your essay will be reviewed as such. Please use these observations as points for improvement.  
  
The most evident problem with your essay is the lack of English comprehension skills. You clearly did not understand what the reason for the discussion is and how it was to be discussed. Consider the following for clarification:  
  
*Original Reason: information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.  
Your Reason: we should pay for gaining information*  
  
As you can see, the original reason only indicated that information should not be shared freely. There is no reference to asking people to pay for the information. Therefore, you included information that would change the discussion slant of the essay. Which is exactly what happened since you made this mistake next:  
  
*Original prompt: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Your Prompt: In my opinion, information should sometimes charge for some reasons.*  
  
The first paragraph is all about restating the original discussion in your own words. This proves that you understand English discussions when presented with it. It appears that you do not have that skill well developed yet. The more appropriate paraphrase and approach to the discussion are as follows:  
  
*Most people believe that there are benefits to be gained in the field of science, business, and education when information regarding those fields are openly shared. However, there are those who are convinced that such information is too valuable to just share openly with others. By studying the reasons behind these two belief systems, I will be able to present an educated personal opinion regarding the open sharing of information in today's world.  
  
When people think about openly sharing information, they do so because...  
  
Considering the apprehensions of those who think the information should be held in secret, their reason is that...  
  
Comparing these two reasons, I believe that...*  
  
Try to avoid using the standard phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" use transition phrases and original topic introduction sentences instead. This will help to increase both your LR and GRA scores. Before you focus on those aspects though, you need to first work on your English comprehension skills. Read the other sample essays here. Those should help you better understand what the essay discussion types are and how to best address the response presentations.
## financially organised students

  
  
The diagrams below show UK students' responses to the question of to what extent would they describe themselves as financially organised.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
Write at least 150 words.  
  
The two diagrams compare the level of organizing the finance of UK pupils. The pie chart demonstrates how well students control their finance in four levels: from not all organised to very organised. Analysing deeper about the very organised group, the table shows the proportion of different age groups.  
  
In general, it's noticeable that more than a half of UK students consider themselves as fairly organised. In addition, students tend to be superior of managing their finance at the older age.  
  
55% of the pie chart belongs to fairly organised group. Meanwhile, just about 4% pupils never organised their finance, which makes it the smallest proportion. The rest of the pie is divided almost equally to the groups of not very organised and very organised, with approximately 20 percent and 21 percent respectively.  
  
When it comes to the sector of very-financially-organised students, it accounts for 35% of students who are older than 26. This figure decreases gradually when it comes to the younger group: 18 percent of age up to 22 and 26 percent of age 22-35 years stay in this sector.
## the most relaxing and inspiring journey in my whole life

  
  
The Maldives, Jewel of Indian Ocean, the most attractive country to tourists around the world which I had been dreaming of visiting it someday to enjoy its charming beaches and to learn more about its cosine and history. So finally, when the chance came to me in the day of 16th August 2016, I immediately flew to Coco island, One of the most beautiful and gorgeous island in the Maldives. Honestly, it was the most relaxing and inspiring journey in my whole life.  
  
When the airplane entered the airspace of the Maldives, I looked from the airplane window to see how does the Maldives look like from above. I amazed by the view of the bright crystal water which surround all of the islands, and the evergreen, huge and perennial trees. Although I have seen it before on videos, the real sight amazed me. After the airplane landed in capital city "Male", the tour guide received me and took me to the Water jet which would transfer me to the resort in Coco island. The idea of taking off from the water astounded me a lot. I arrived at the Sundown time. I really loved the fascinating Reflection of the sun on the water, and the Fresh air blight coming to me with the smell of aromatic flowers.  
  
In the evening, I had my dinner in Ufaa Restaurant, which serves all-day dining, with a healthy menu of South India prepared using fresh seafood and organic vegetables. And I enjoyed very much the sweet chili taste of the Maldivian's food.  
  
During the few next days, I experienced many exciting activities and visited many beautiful sites. I went to swim and Surfing on the high waves which revived all my senses. After that I went to visit the national museum, the ancient Maldivian's sultan castle. It has wide amount of Collectibles and exhibits about the history and heritage of the country, I felt as I traveled to the past when I entered it. Another great site in the Maldives is the big Mosque, the largest mosque in the Maldives and the most unique in engineering design with its golden dome and minarets. When I passed in, I felt a deep spiritual feeling Because of the splendor of the place.  
  
In conclusion, I can describe my vacation in the Maldives as the most unforgettable action in my life. Because Maldives has an extraordinary effect on my hart and senses. So I hope I could visit this Exciting and Awesome country again in future.
Mohammed, this is an acceptable English writing exercise. While you do have existing grammar problems, these do not make your narration difficult to understand. I found that your descriptions were imaginative although you made certain reference errors in your presentation. For example, South India is a location, what you meant to say was South Indian dishes, which refers to the food in the region.  
  
You also need to be conscious of when you capitalize words. Only the first word of every new sentence is capitalized. Proper nouns should be capitalized when used in any section of the sentence. No other instances require word capitalization in a written presentation.  
  
You show real potential when it comes to creative writing. This type of English writing exercise will help you better develop you use of the language and familiarize you with more English words. Good job! I hope to read more from you in the future.
## sports preferences among young women

  
  
The chart below shows women aged from 16 to 25 in a particular country who prefer to watch or participate in a variety of sports.  
  
ESSAY  
  
The chart given illustrates a variety of preferences in six multiple sports among women aged in 16-25 in a certain country.  
  
Generally, watching and participating in tennis both play a significant role in six different sports, while women between 16-25 pay the least attention in badminton. obvious enough, these young women tend to have different interests between watching and participating in the six sports.  
  
As observed, there are three sport games that women between 16-25 years old prefer watching more than participating in, which are tennis, athletics, and basketball. Tennis at the amount of 60% is the majority of the selected sports both in watching and participating in. What play the next two roles of watching sports are athletics roughly at 25% and basketball at 20%.  
  
Instead of watching sport, women from16-25 in this country enjoy actually playing badminton, golf, and horse riding& racing. It is obvious that badn=minton has the least preference for participating at 20%, women also pay few attention to it by the amount of 10%. For golf and horse riding & racing, they show similar levels around 20-30% in playing such sports, while both of them share the same extent of interest in 20%.
## not only money counts

  
  
We, as people, are most of the time separated between rich and poor. As in countries where we see developed rich countries in one hand, and undeveloped poor countries on the other. Rich ones often try to help poor ones by giving them money, which most of times isn't that effective and doesn't solve poverty. Therefore they should find an effective way to help poor countries even more. So in what other ways could rich countries help poor countries?  
  
Learning in poor countries is hard most often, people out there doesn't go to school because they can barely spend there money on food. For this reason rich countries must build schools that can provide good quality of education and make sure most of the them are getting educated and guided to a field that can be good at. For example the united states helped Syrian refugees to get educated during the war in Syria. So if every rich country did this to poor ones and helped them learning, there will be no more ignorance.  
  
Another way of helping poor countries, which the reason behind poor people, is that they aren't able to work because the field of work is small and full. So instead of just giving them money, that after a while will be spent, rich countries should find a way to make most of the people enter the workforce to earn their own money. This will lead to a monthly payment for the workers and they will no longer be poor. For example Europe has a lot of workers from different nationalities that they was poor but after working for few months out there they became on the average.  
  
As a conclusion, there are many different ways for rich countries to help poor ones, not only by giving money but in many more ways. And as the quote says : "You give a poor man a fish and you feed him for a day. You teach him to fish and you give him an occupation that will feed him for a lifetime."
Hello,  
I have some comment for you.  
Firstly, in ielts writing, you are not allowed to write word form like "doesn't", you have to write "does not", "aren't => are not"  
  
secondly, in your conclusion, you should paraphrase ALL main ideas you have mentioned before.  
You can also replace the words "rich people and poor people" with "the rich and the poor". Your organization are not really good, you should place the topic sentence at the first sentence in each paragraph.
Can you check my grammar and give me some advices?  
  
## Mumbai, India and Moscow, Russia - weather comparison

  
  
Given is the table illustrating about the temperatures and hours of daylight in Mumbai, India and Moscow, Russia during the same weekend in May 2007.  
Overall, temperatures in Mumbai on Friday, Saturday and Sunday were much higher than those in Moscow, even both maximum and minimum. Besides, sunrise and sunset time of two cities also had significantly differences.  
  
The weather in Mumbai was quiet hot with maximal temperature during 3 days which slightly fluctuated at 33-34 degrees. Minimal temperature was stably kept with 29 degrees. In addition, the sun rose at 6.00 and set at 19.11 and later on Sunday.  
  
In Moscow, on Friday, the maximal temperature just reached to 8 degrees but raised to 17 degrees on Sunday. However, there were only 2 degrees at the coldest moment on Saturday. Moreover, the sunrise early started at over 4.00. Nevertheless, the sun was downed until after 22.00.  
  
Thanks a lot  
  
*
@Hammy - it would help if you provided the instruction to the writing task. Are you just required to describe the information in the tables, or did they request anything else as well? Not knowing the question, I will just comment on your grammar. There are a number of errors so I will only mention a few.  
  
Firstly, I don't think it is correct to refer to the "maximal" or "minimal" temperature. You should keep the forms "maximum" and "minimum" as they are correct in this context. But try to use different words to say the same thing: maximum can also be highest, hottest or peak temperature; minimum can also be coolest, coldest or lowest temperature. Try not to repeat the same word if possible.  
  
I can see you tried hard to show off your connecting words like besides, moreover, nevertheless, but they were not always used correctly and it seems forced.  
  
Other comments:  
\*quite, not quiet  
\*significant, not significantly  
And your last 2 sentences don't make sense either.  
  
Good luck
Diep, your attempt at reporting the contents of the chart is admirable. You accomplished the assigned task to a great degree that will ensure at least a passing score for this essay. That said, there are a few presentation problems that need to be addressed.  
  
The first problem to be addressed is the way that you do not fully utilize the given information in the chart. While I know that you are trying to show off your English vocabulary by not using the actual measures indicated, that could work against you in the scoring process. The lack of proper reference to the given measurements could create confusion in the presentation.  
  
This is one essay that is not analytical in presentation. You should use the reporting method for this because there are no points for comparison provided. Therefore, a straightforward report regarding the given information is all you have to present.  
  
You wrote only 152 words for this report. Only 2 words over the minimum. I urge you to try and write at least 175 words for the Task 1 essay so that you can maximize your overall scoring potential and show a greater degree of understanding with regards to the given information.  
  
I believe that you have the potential to improve with your Task 1 writing skills. You have shown a glimpse of it in this essay. I hope to continue guiding your development in the future. Keep practicing, it's the best way to improve.
*Statistics show that the number of youth crimes incresed in these days, and this became a concerned problem in our society. What are the causes that make young people to commit crimes?*  
  
## the lack of control

  
  
Firstly, according to some researches about youth crimes, the main founding cause of this might be lack of control by parents. As we all know, in the modern life, most of the parents are busy, go out early and come back at dusk for work. They seldom have any free time to communicate with their children, not to mention controlling what they do out of home, or in school, or in community. And also, nowadays, some of the parents are not as strict as decades ago, such as those who have only one child and thoes who want their kids growing up with more freedom of choice, expression and independence.  
  
Secondly, influence of friends might be another major reason for young people to commit crimes. As a matter of fact, young people usually spend a lot time in school, so the people who they play with have deep influence to them. Most of the time, for being afraid of being excluded out of the group, they just end up making the wrong decision which is unwillingly follow what their friends do.  
  
So, to reduce the number of youth crimes, preventing the children going to the wrong direction of life, the parents should pay more attention and give more caring to their children and as a teenager should be self-disciplined and learn how to make right decision when someone is instigating you to do something immoral.  
  
Hey, I'm preparing for Cambridge English Exame, any suggestion for my essay please not hesitate to tell me. Thanks for reading.
Hi! I think your essay is well developed, although it needs a conclusion parragraph that summarized your point of view about the causes of youth crime. I'd further develop your last parragraph.  
  
Pay attention to some grammar and spelling mistake, read you essay again carefully and fix them.  
  
For example:  
crimes incresead in these days  
in the modern life  
come back at dusk for from work  
or in at school, or in the community  
  
I think your essay is going through the right path, just need a bit more of work.  
Good luck and hope this helps.
HI Jiamei, there are several Cambridge English exams that a student can take. Please be specific about which one you are preparing for so that exam specific advice may be given to you in the future. For now, I'll just give you general advice based on the given prompts.  
  
There is only one question that requires a response in this essay and that what causes the young people to commit crimes. Do not deviate from the discussion. Do not offer additional information when it is not asked for. Your discussion of the solutions to the problem will be considered misplaced and as such, could unnecessarily lower your scoring considerations. This is only a 4 paragraph essay that requires 2 reasoning paragraphs in the middle then a concluding paragraph at the end.  
  
Pay attention to your first paragraph. It is always better to offer a paraphrase of the topic for discussion before you give your direct response so that the reader has a better idea of what the topic is about and what the discussion requirements are. Prepare the reader for the discussion, don't just throw the reader into it.  
  
Identify the type of English exam you will be taking when you post an essay for review again. That way I can tailor the advice to the requirements of the exam.
Hi everyone,  
  
My name is Joshua. This is my first thread in this forum and I am going to take IELTS with a clear goal of achieving (hopefully) a 8.0 writing band score in IELTS. This is my first attempt of the writing task. I look forward to your feedback.  
  
Josh  
  
## Childhood Obesity problem

  
  
Question:  
  
*Some people think that the Government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.*  
  
**Response:  
  
Nowadays, an increasing number of school children are suffering from the problem of overweight. While the Government is often criticised for failing to curb childhood obesity effectively, others believe that their parents should instead be blameworthy. In this essay, I shall discuss both sides of the arguments as well as my view on the issue.  
  
Criticism against the Government often arises from the poor supervision and regulation over children's diet and its food suppliers. It is not uncommon that Governments in many countries have failed to intervene by proposing new laws or financial disincentives to discourage the introduction of junk food to the market. As a result, fuelled by the force of globalization and effective marketing campaign, junk food - which often contains high fat and sugar contents while poor in nutritional value - is introduced as part of children's regular diet in chain stores set up by multinational fast-food businesses. Such non-intervention policy will, in turn, increase the likelihood of youngsters suffering from obesity.  
  
On the other hand, other critics believe that poor parenting is a major reason for the soaring number of obese children. For instance, parents often allow their children to indulge in their portable devices for an entire day and hardly regulate their usages. Since these youngsters become less physically active to participate in sports and cardio exercise to burn the calories, it is very likely that they will become more prone to getting overweight.  
  
I strongly believe that the Governments shoulder a greater responsibility for the worsening situation. While nation-wide legislation and policies that impose stricter punishment will have a greater impact on society, the Governments should introduce healthier diets in school and a curriculum that places more focus on physical education for the well-being of our children.  
  
To conclude, despite the divided opinions as to the role of the Government and the parents in causing childhood obesity, it is my firm conviction that the former should have a greater role to play.  
  
(326 words)**  
  
\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*\*