dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Nur, do not indicate any relevant information in the first paragraph. As much as possible, you should only offer an overview of the discussion and an outline of the discussion you wish to provide. The reason that you have to do this is simple, you don't want to run out of information for comparison purposes within the body of your essay. Based upon your presentation, you almost ended up doing exactly that. By the way, you forgot to indicate the amount of oil produced by the Middle East. You cannot just say that the country is the biggest producer. Each time you present information in the essay, it needs to be backed up by the numerical figure in the chart. Otherwise a question arises regarding the validity of your claims. Overall though, this was an essay that addressed the task accurately enough to earn itself a possible 4. The overall score being based on the information presentation problems.
Hi @Holt thanks for always giving me advice  
  
By the way, you forgot to indicate the amount of oil produced by the Middle East. You cannot just say that the country is the biggest producer.  
This is my overview so that i do not include any numbers or figures there.  
Based upon this -->  
  
Generally speaking, Middle East countries are the largest home of oil producers. However, its consumption is far below the countries in Asia  
has my overview been clearly seen?
It would be better if you do not include any actual information in the overview summary. The summary is only supposed to provide the paraphrased prompt and the line of discussion you will be presenting so an example of how to write this prompt would be as follows:  
  
*For this essay, I will be discussing a summary of the world oil resources in proportion to the countries that create them. Located in various parts of the world, this essay will present the percentage of oil each country produces along with the yearly consumption of the oil in the same areas of the world. Whenever possible, an in-depth discussion of overlapping information from the chart will be expanded upon.  
  
Generally speaking, the Middle East...*  
  
I provided you with a clear overview summary using only 3 sentences, which gives information to the reader regarding the content of the chart and how the discussion is going to be presented, without actually divulging information from the chart too soon in the essay development. That is what you should have in mind when you create a summary opening statement.
At the beginning of my college life, I **have** ~~been~~ received an invitation ...  
... Chinese students **who have also attended it**.  
... students are playing ~~on~~  their mobile **phones** or**having** conversation with (...) same country **as them**. They**did not** try to (...) locals and **couldn't really** enjoy the party.  
  
For those students who **are** from foreign countries, (...) need to adapt to **a** new life.  
... new environment and **was**always alone. I was scared of**communicating with** others in the class,...  
So, ~~this caused me~~ **I found it** difficult to (...) I always**kept quiet**.  
When I **was** in a similar exotic ...  
I realized **that**as long as you are (...), even though **communicating** with them will make you nervous**.**
I know that you only want your grammar checked for this essay but I feel that you need to first address the fact that your essay is too long and does not really get to the point of discussing intercultural communicate in an efficient manner. The content mostly goes around in circles, discussing the same topics over and over before finally getting to the point. The topic of intercultural communication, which comes in paragraph 7 should have been the lead in paragraph for this essay. As an opening statement, it would have immediately brought the attention of the reader to the topic on hand. If you take only relevant paragraphs and form them in the following manner : 7, 1, 8, 4, 3, 5, you end up with a better discussion that does not require too many examples to prove your point. It will also make it much easier for you to spot the grammar mistakes in your essay for correction. I hope that you decide to reformat the paragraph presentations first. After you come up with a more cohesive essay, it will be easier to clean up the grammar mistakes and create a more coherent discussion on your part.
Luk, for the question section, do not provide the instructions that your professor provided for the writing of the paper. Based upon the instructions provided, you must develop an original thesis statement to represent the policy paper studies and suggestions that you will be making in the paper.  
  
The other parts of the paper are presented in a proper manner. The discussion is academic and professional. Although, the discussion paper could use a few direct references, quotes, or information stemming from named "sources" of information. When supporting evidence is presented based upon published sources or personal interviews, the suggestions and recommendations that you are making develops a more authoritative stance. That will translate into a more powerful and compelling discussion paper presentation.
Thank you for spending time reading my post. I really appreciate your helps.  
  
## quality of service in a hotel

  
  
*The charts below show the results of a questionnaire that asked visitors to the Parkway Hotel how they rated the hotel's customer service. The same questionnaire was given to 100 guests in the years 2005 and 2010.*  
  
The pie charts compare between the results of customer service evaluation surveys conducted in 2005 and 2010 in Parkway Hotel.  
Overall, there were significant changes after a 5-year period. In 2005, more than two third of the customers were satisfied with the quality of customer services, the number increased dramatically to roughly 85% in 2010, only a minority of visitors gave out negative responses.  
  
In 2005, nearly half of the customers rated customer service as satisfactory and only 5% of customers considered their jobs were excellent. However, the situation was reversed in 2010, the respectively figure for excellent and satisfactory option are 28% and 17%. The percentage of visitors who felt good about customer service rose a quarter more after 5 years of development.  
  
In 2010, roughly 15% of visitors were unsatisfied with the Parkway's service. However, compared to 2005, the figure for "very poor" option was 15%, not to mention that of ''poor '' option, which accounted for 21% of customers.  
  
*
Vi, when you write the overview statement, do not give any actual figures or information yet. Remember, that portion is only to be used as a method by which you are to paraphrase the prompt and offer an outline of the discussion that is yet to come. Normally, it should cover no more than 3 sentences to be effective. While your second paragraph was informative and really showed that you studied the chart, the third paragraph was too short because it lacked more information coming from the chart. The way that this paragraph could have been lengthened would have been if you did not present the information in the opening statement. That is precisely why the opening statement cannot have actual facts and figures from the provided image. Please avoid doing that next time in order to get a better score. Right now, this essay will probably get a 4 because of the mistakes you made in the presentation of the opening statement.
Hi @chikachika  
  
I just want to suggest you that in overview, it should be better not to include numbers. Since you can elucidate number or figure in body paragraph, you just mention the striking figure and general trend of graph. Also, it should be better to equalize the average numbers or rows of your sentences between body paragraph 1 and 2. Since it seems that your body paragraph two was very lack, the minimum number of sentences of paragraph is three.  
  
hope it helps you
**Hi Vi**, I have read your writing closer and found a few improvements you need.  
Firstly, you actually presented an overview in your introductory paragraph, but it is not fascinating. You directly place the data in the paragraph and did not try to analyze the data. You are supposed to bring the data to the meaningful sentence. Besides that, please avoid using detailed information in the overview because the primary aim of showing the overview is to give a general illustration about what you will explain in the body paragraph. You can say that *" Visitors of Parkway Hotel had been more pleased with service conducted by the employee in that 5-year period".*  
  
After that, you focus on the language of the data so that you have not shown a bravery to explore the data. You have used the same words to describe the information. Honestly, you play this safely. If you wanna a higher score, you are supposed to find the interesting data and compare their condition. Following this, keep in your mind that you should write at least in the paragraph.  
  
Overall, you have shown the positive improvement.  
Happy Writing
## scheme of elderly population

  
  
The line chart provides information about the percentage of elderly aged over 65 in USA, Japan and Sweden from 1940 to 2040. Overall, it is clearly seen that the proportion of people aged over 65 years in the three countries fluctuates during the given period. However, the three figures show an upward trend towards the end of survey.  
  
The number of USA population initially stood at approximately 9% in 1940 while the figures for Sweden was about 7% at the same time. Then the former went up markedly and reached 15% as well as the latter figures showing a growth to just under 15% in 1980. Interestingly, after standing at the same level by around 14% in 2000, USA has been relatively unchanged while there has been a fluctuation figure in Sweden elderly population by 2020. Afterwards, both countries are predicted to rise towards the end of the survey. Nevertheless, Sweden population is expected reaching higher percentage than USA in 2014 ; approximately 25% and 23% respectively.  
  
In contrast, Japanese figure was originally levelled off at 5% before dipping to 3% in 1960. The percentage then stabled for 20 years, after which there has been a gradually rise since 1980 and the figure is predicted peaking at 27% in 2040 after overtaking the first position from USA.  
  
*
Ainun, there is a point between 2020 and 2040 when the line graph showed an illustrative point. Since you were concentrated only on the figures that were related to the years indicated, you failed to see that there was a possible discussion available for the year between the two. That should have been presented in the essay as well as a possible reference to 2030, the gap point between 2020 and 2040 which would have clearly indicated that you did a deep analysis of the information provided. If the examiner knows the chart very well and he knows of the existence of the midstream information that most students might not see as being there, this will definitely affect your task accuracy score. The effect will be in the form of only mechanical data being presented rather than analytical data. So the score for your essay cannot be higher than a 5.
**Hi Ainun**, I will give you a few corrections.  
Actually, based on the systematic, you can successfully write this well. However, you cannot call an attention of the examiner if your overview is less interesting. You brought the data to flat information although you can impress the examiner through the overview. This below is the example of my offering.  
  
*Overall, it is clearly seen that the number of people aged over 65 years is more totally each year for those three big countries. In any case, the population for this category has shown the immense change rather the other countries.*  
  
Ainun, you are actually able to explore the data more and make your body paragraph more interesting. You are supposed to convert your data to forms of the equation so that those are more various. It seemed usual description because you only bring the data rigidly. In my view, you have shown your data unbalanced between the first and second body. You need to develop your ability in grouping the data.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you to enhance your ability.  
Happy Writing
**Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jams'.  
*How true do you think this statement is?  
What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?***  
  
## tackling the traffic jams issue

  
  
In the last three decades, a growing number of civilians have purchased cars to fulfill their needs travelling from one place to another. Because of this, many cities in the world have been marked as 'one big traffic jam'. Personally, I believe this is true due to the fact that the way people buy cars are getting easier. Therefore, governments should take into consideration to deal with this problem such as increasing tax payment.  
  
It becomes affordable for societies to get car ownership. Since they just allocate a bit amount of deposit to get new vehicle and make an installment payment later, this will lead other persons to do the same that will overflow the road. It will be getting worse if every dweller has one four-wheel vehicle as their means to travel away. Such condition point out a busy road where numerous cars make a long line in particular time such as coming-home time at afternoon and leaving-home time in the morning.  
  
To tackle the traffic congestion problem, authorities should take a policy to reduce car driving on the road. What strategy I offer is to increase tax payment for each car belonging. Stakeholders are able to ask a far substantial of levy for each automobile that every individual has. I believe this way will stimulate car drivers to rethink driving car because they should subsidize much money for such expenditure.  
  
To conclude, it is unavoidable that easiness having transport especially cars. It drives people to buy those modes, bringing to traffic congestion problems in many parts of the world. By increasing an amount of money payment, it expects to urge citizens not to utilize automobile thanks to high expenses anxiety. (280 words)
Where are you writing this essay for? Is it for IELTS? If yes then it seems good although you can introduce better lexical resource in the context, plus its better if you could paraphase the topic sentence a bit more, something like Due to this, most metropolis these days are being marked as 'one big traffic jam'. Try not only to change the vocabulary while paraphrasing but also change the sentence structure. This shows your command and efficiency over the language.
Nur, it is never advisable to include actual information in your opening statement. That part of the essay is merely meant to test your paraphrasing, outlining, and task accuracy skills. Save the actual information for the body of the essay. The more information you present in the actual body, the higher your TA and GRA scores get. Remember that. Also, don't start a formal sentence with the word "Because". The term is always used to connect two ideas in a single sentence. Therefore, using it at the start of a sentence does not make sense because there are no ideas to connect at that point. It would be best to find another way to start your sentence instead. You can say "Therefore" or "Due to..." in place of the word "Because". Your concluding statement was faulty as well since you were just supposed to recap the earlier discussions in the essay. Since that is not what you did, I believe that the score for this essay cannot be higher than 5.
Hey Nur!  
Like Holt said above, the introduction is mainly used to talk about the issue at hand and what view you hold regarding the matter.  
Your ideas in support of your viewpoint as well as possible remedies come later.  
The conclusion mainly, is where the remedies fit.  
  
Regarding your solution to the problem, I feel that you've revolved the entire essay around the idea of increasing the cost and tax that accompanies the purchasing of a vehicle. While this is a good suggestion to tackle the problem, I cant help but notice that this solution effects only the middle and lower class individuals.  
  
The upper sections of the society do not even come into the picture, which seems rather unfair and unjust. The wealthy will still be able to do as they please...  
  
Nonetheless, it's still a very valid point and your ideas do matter.  
  
You could maybe include points regarding-  
1) Legislation regarding no. of vehicles per household.  
2) Promote use of public vehicles.  
  
(There was a recent incident in my country where due to massive pollution of a city, the government decided that all vehicles with odd numbers be on the roads on alternate days, while the ones with an even no. do so on the other alternate days.  
  
This turned out to be a huge success and was applicable to every individual)  
  
Other changes-  
Remove the increasing tax line from first para.  
Conclusion could be slightly better.  
  
Good Luck! :)
## annual disbursement of UK school

  
  
The three different charts illustrate the yearly disbursement of UK school and it is measured in percentage between 1981, 1991 and 2001. Overall, the proportion of expenditure spent on has considerably varied movement. Over 3 decades, while teacher's salaries were still highest proportion, insurance was still lowest spending.  
  
Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment were the largest proportion. In 1981, approximately 40% of the teacher's salaries spent, compared to about 28% and 15% respectively of other worker's salaries and furniture and equipment. 1991 witnessed a virtually identically decline of furniture and equipment and other worker's salaries, at 5% and 22% respectively. In the same year, teacher's salaries indicated the sharp plunge at 50%.On the other hand, 2001 witnessed the similar fluctuation of other worker's salaries and teacher's salaries. While the figure of other worker's salaries and teacher's salaries dramatically dropped, at 15% and 45%respectively, the percentage of furniture and equipment enormously increased, at 23% approximately.  
  
On the other hand, the insurance and resources books had a virtually similar trend. In 1981, the amount of insurance and resources books stood up 2% and 15% respectively. In 1991, the percentage of them experienced a sharp growth, at 3% and 20% respectively.2001 witnessed their similarity, between 8% and 9% successively.  
  
*
To, there were 3 pie charts presented, each with the same pie descriptions but with varying percentages. Therefore, the essay should have been presented in a comparison manner for each division in the chart. Grouped together, it should have been one paragraph each for the other worker's salaries, teachers salaries, furniture and equipment, resources such as books. Discussed in a grouped manner, the comparison would have shown a clearer summary of the relevant information in relation to the yearly expenses. The way that you presented the chart information is confusing and does not really leave the reader well informed. Due to the wrong format of your discussion and incomplete discussion, I believe that the score for this essay would be no higher than 4.
Hi @tuantu1710  
Actually, i get your view of grouping. However, some sentences made your writing applied repetition.  
  
On the other hand, 2001 witnessed the similar fluctuation ...  
  
Those sentence seemed that you elucidated trend of worker and teacher salaries, then you objected to compare with other figures. It should be better if you directly compared them without red-marked sentence.  
  
Turning into your first body paragraph, it appeared continuing from your overview. I just suggest you to use opening sentence before directly explain your main idea such as a closer look at, at first glance, firstly, first of all, etc. Take a look at your word order adverb-adjective-noun as a phrase. It needs to be fixed.  
  
Hope it helps you. Gudlak.
@Holt  
In this essay, in the body , how about the detail paragraph 1 , I will make comparison between teacher's salaries and other worker's salaries .  
In the detail paragraph 2 , I will make the comparison between insurance , resources books and furniture and equipment. If it is not good please tell me what I should do in detail parapragh 1 and 2 ( the maner for any pie charts which more than 2 pie charts)
To, there are a total of 4 sections in the pie chart. Since you can only present a 5 paragraph essay composed of an introduction, a maximum of 3 bodies of paragraph, and a conclusion, you will have to get creative in the presentation of the information. I suggest that you group the discussion by sets of 3 with the largest indicated figure of the pie chart being discussed as a stand alone paragraph because the largest figures offer the most opportunity for you to present a wider comparison discussion which can help improve your overall score. Again, there are no right or wrong formats for writing these essays. It all depends upon how you analyze the information present and how you wish to inform the reader about it. My suggestions are meant to help you learn how to assess the proper presentation for each prompt you are given.
Luk, this is a sound summary of your policy paper research. I hope though that this is not the final version of the policy paper that you plan on presenting to your professor. Truth be told, the paper can still use a more in-depth research presentation of the history of the power generation problem in Hong Kong, the previous and current efforts to help resolve the issue, any policy papers that might be pending in the government, and the current status of the power generation plants in the country. The grammar is well developed and helps to deliver your interests as the researcher and policy adviser. I do not doubt that you can come up with more intricate and workable plan which can be turned into a policy proposal for the consideration of the government.
hi teachers, please give some advice about my IELTS writing. thank you!  
  
**Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later, and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the danger of committing a crime. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## ex-convict teacher

  
  
People have different views about whether ex-criminals will be a good teacher for keeping children away from committing crim. In my opinion, I complete agree that ex-prisoners' experiences are the best material to educate teenagers.  
  
It is more persuasive than other teaching methods to preach the harm of crime. People who are rehabilitated after prison sentence can teach teenager what kinds of consequences they have after committing a crime, such as losing several years of freedom and having difficulties to find a job in the future, especially for the children who consider about criminals leading glamorous lives. In addition, it provides a distinctive prospective to reconsider the crime, which is rare for normal teachers or parents. And I doubt that adolescents would see teachers as credible sources of information about this topic. For example, school teachers usually teach the children by textbook and lack of objective feelings after breaking the law.  
  
On the other hand, it helps reformed criminals achieve self-value. That means people who have crime record will not feel that they are useless to society and have determination to become a good citizen. Meanwhile teaching teenagers is a method of repaying society. With something to do after prison sentence, ex-offenders are less likely to break the law again. If not, criminals may have tendency to commit a crime again as the public usually discriminate and stay away from them.  
  
In conclusion, I fully support the view that people who have turned around their lives after serving a prison sentence could help to deter teenagers from being a lawbreaker.