dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Tony, I would like to share a few insight to your essay but before I do, I would like to make mention that the advancement of technology in the use of computers to be particular, has done a tremendous job in making our lives easier than we ever expected. I remember when my parents use to write each other a hand written note and it will take a few days,weeks and even months, before they can respond or receive a reply, this is due to the fact that the letter goes through a lot of hands, a lot of factors are to be considered in order for the letter to make it back to my mom or my dad.  
  
Well, hey, nowadays, my dad sends a text message and presto, in a matter of seconds, my dad receives it and can reply in an instant, to the delight of my mom, what I'm trying to draw is, the advancement of technology has definitely brought us a huge advantage and edge towards life and how we live it, however, coupled with this advantage are a few disadvantages that I believe is all in the hands of the person who is responsible in using and taking care of it.  
  
Moving on, below are my thoughts on your essay;  
  
- Therefore, I ~~think~~believe ( be firm in your ideas and what you believe in ) the advantages  
- of using computers to ~~instate~~replace or fill some job  
- ~~If this advance~~This advancement is widely common  
- to ~~the~~ firms,  
- the productivity may ~~rise~~raise the profit,  
- the~~re is also~~ country's revenue can be improved  
- and ~~improves~~eventually enhance human's life.  
- Besides that,the government  
- should be considerate on trainings ~~to~~for the unskilled  
- worker ~~class~~ to be better and get ~~the~~ good jobs.  
  
There you have it Tony, I hope the above remarks and corrections help in your revision.
Aloha Vjnhnguyen, here are my thoughts:  
  
I think your essay is little bit out of task response. The question mentions "Describe some**job positions** that may be lost because of computers, and **discuss at least one problem**that may result", but you just explain some advantages and disadvantages on your essay.  
  
Let me share how to write introduction according to my perspective. First of all, introduction consists of two main ideas, paraphrasing the question (background essay) and writer's position (introducing idea).  
  
I hope it can be helpful
Hello Tony Nguyen, this is some correction from me and feel free to correct me too!  
  
In recent years, ~~the world is more and more modern,~~ computers are used widely to replace human in many ~~fields~~activities such as accounting, ...  
  
but one of the typical cases that i want to mention is ...  
  
~~That~~It brings a lot of ~~obvious~~ advantages~~,~~~~there are some~~and disadvantages as well.  
  
....by any conditions that ~~the~~ human can be made ...  
  
However, ~~that~~this trend~~also exists~~have a few disadvantages.
***In some countries it is now illegal to smoke in public places. It is only fair that people who wish to smoke should have to leave the building. Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Several countries restrict their citizens to smoke in public and those willing to have some should step aside from place where people come together. I would clearly agree with this idea because smoking disturbs some people in public and inhaling a clean air is right for all people.  
  
People in the public area are often being disturbed by the cigarette smoke of smoking people. It is clearly shown people in many cases not only avoid smoking people but also curse them as they scared with the toxic effect of the cigarette smoke. The study conducted by the Australia Healthcare Researcher in 2007 revealed that a single cigarette contains more than 4,000 chemical compounds that cause several types of cancer and respiratory diseases. For this reason, several countries introduced regulation that smoking should be restricted in public places as the poison that cigarette contains disturb people.  
  
Furthermore, another reason why smoker should be instructed to leave the building when willing to smoke is that all people wish to inhale a clean air. There are two types of smoker; the first one is people who smoke cigarette actively called as an active smoker and the rest is people who do not smoke who merely get the impact of such bad habit, called as a passive smoker. It is undeniable fact that the percentage of passive smoker is bigger than the active smoker. As the Australia Healthcare Researcher in 2007 also revealed that the effect of cigarette smoke is more dangerous to the passive smoker as the active smoker exhaling the smoke to the air while the passive smoker cannot exhale the smoke mixed to the air. Driven by the reason of every citizen should inhale a clean air freely, some countries now restrict to smoke in public and those who wish to smoke should leave the building.  
  
Overall, it is very reasonable for some government to illegalise smoking in public area. Thus restricting smoking will reassure people to inhale a fresh air as some people getting disturbed by the smoke of cigarette.
Dear Kiki, here are some advices for your writing, feel free to correct me if I get wrong,  
  
It is clearly shown people in many cases not only avoid smoking -->  
  
It is clearly shown people in many cases that not only avoid smoking  
(~~As~~The study conducted by the Australia Healthcare Research)  
  
*Besides, the study conducted by ...*  
  
the first one is people who smoke cigarette actively called as ... -->  
*people who smoke cigarette actively called as an active smoker, while the rest who do not smoke, merely get the impact of such bad habit*  
  
hope you can improve your writing well,  
  
Regards
***In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.***  
  
It has been commonly known that some countries encourage children to work. Some people find it is completely useful, while others believe that children have not had a responsibility to work. Even though they will gain priceless experiences through paid work, I believe that psychologically they have not been ready yet to face work world indeed and should obtain more knowledge from school.  
  
It cannot be denied that having worth experiences become another additional point for children who have worked. Owing to the fact that the more extra-activities they join, the better person they will be, it makes them gain many kinds of skills such as sociability, problem-solving skill and/or being a good time manager. For instance, children who help their neighbor selling goods in a market and earning money definitely have many conversations with new people more than ordinary children have.  
  
However, children should get their right to gain knowledge in institutional education as it is their golden age. Studying in early age involves long term memory which is absolutely good for children's future. Besides, live lessons also are gotten in school, they are not only studying a subject but working together, taking responsible, making friends, learning attitudes and having self-reliance are also obtained. A conducted research held by an NGO finds that people who spend their childhood by studying in school are more likely to be ready to face adult's life. It then, illustrates how important taking school in early age.  
  
Moreover, I also claim that they are not mature enough to face the hardness of working atmosphere. Taking a job in that age must be difficult to engage with the stuffs as those young people are in charge to play. Then if they have to work in a car wash, for example, they must have less experience which results children got anger by the boss. Thus it can affect them to become introvert.  
  
To recapitulate, even though encouraging young people to work in their golden age in order to have valuable experiences is a good idea, but as long as educational institution offers them to have other more worthwhile experiences there is no reason for them to have a job then.
Husnul, your discussion is not very well developed. Your first paragraph takes on the form of a defense in support of having children work. However, your line of reasoning doesn't really offer the correct data in terms of the benefits that children may get from the activity. You say that the more work the children do, the better kind of person they will be. You should only choose one evidence to support this claim and properly discuss it. You have presented a number of claims in the paragraph that doesn't really offer a clear discussion and valid reasoning. For example, when you say:  
  
*... children who help their neighbor selling goods in a market and earning money definitely have many conversations with new people more than ordinary children have.*  
  
What is the point of this sentence? How does this prove that children who work have better skills than those who don't work? Doesn't working make the children more psychologically responsible given the fact that they interact with people older than themselves? This paragraph needs further development.  
  
Your second paragraph dictates that children should go to school at an early age. That is not exactly the kind of discussion that you should be presenting. If you feel that children should be going to school instead of going to work then you should indicate that line of reasoning within the opening sentence of the next paragraph. This paragraph has deviated from the given prompt as of the moment.  
  
The final two paragraphs of the essay work well though and deliver a clear train of thought. It is the only part of the essay that is properly developed and presented somewhat properly.
Hi Husnul, I would like to share a few insights to enhance your essay but before I do, I would like to share that this particular issue is very relevant to this day and age, a lot of students are very keen on working first before moving on and continue with there education. As it is, there are a lot of factors to consider such as the fact that they need a lot financial help in continuing their studies, time and effort is also needed in order to make sure that they are going to finish with flying colors and land a good and rather rewarding job.  
  
Having said that, I would like to start the review with a few corrections on the last two paragraphs pf your essay.  
  
- face the ~~hardness~~hardship of the working atmosphere.  
-Taking a job ~~in that~~at this age must be difficult  
- to engage with ~~the stuffs~~~~as those young people are in charge to play~~ .- in this sentence, there's a lot going on and most of them are not needed at all.  
  
- ~~Then if~~If they have to work in a car wash, for example,  
- they ~~must~~ have less experience which results  
- ~~children got anger by the~~to an angry boss.  
- ~~Thus it can affect them to become~~This might develop an introvert personality .  
  
There yo have it Husnul, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.
***Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university.  
  
Discuss what the advantages and disadvantage might be for people who do this***  
  
Some people believe that rising generation after graduated from school to pick up a job for a couple of years before going to the university. I am more likely to agree with this statement due to one of a great way before going university is working since to obtain some skills and much money for tuition paid. There are many benefits of taking up a job before starting to attend a university, but could be a few drawbacks as well.  
  
There is an advantage for directly to go to a university such as students can use time as good as possible to study further and get more academic qualifications. This is due to want to speed up study time and pursue degree to find a job. For example, students have to focus on their study for better future. As a result, students did not have more skills after graduated and difficult to survive in work circumstance. There is no doubt that experience before study is important to enhance soft skills.  
  
Turning to the benefit of get a job before study, students have a lot of time to prepare some skils and much money. This is owing to works guide real life skills for instance deal with other people, manage time and control money. Consequently, It prepares students for the future. It is makes student more independence because students approximately use own money and habitual talk with other people.  
  
In conclusion, students have to prepare before go to university such as find a job to fill their leisure time after graduated from senior high school because it is important for student activities in campus or workplace after graduated from university. Although, doing work spend much time, it is pivotal for improve skills and mental in real life, especially independence to have much money for paid tuition fee and do not rely on parents.
Hi ryan, It's a nice essay but here is some thoughts for you  
  
Some people believe that rising generation after graduated from school to pick up a job ...this clause need a verb.  
  
it is better to give readers a short breath when read a sentence. As an alternative, You can make the sentence above into two sentences  
  
Turning to the benefit of geting a job (...) prepare some skill s and to earn much money.  
  
... to prepare before going to university such as finding a job to fill their leisure ...  
  
Best regard
Hello, ryan31!  
  
Your essay is good, but I would give you corrections  
  
1. This is due to ~~want~~ (wanting ) to speed up study time and pursue a degree to find a job. The verb want may be in the wrong form after the preposition to. Consider changing it to the gerund form.  
  
2. Turning to the benefit of ~~get~~ (getting ) a job before study. The verb get may be in the wrong form after the preposition of. Consider changing it to the gerund form.  
  
3. It ~~is makes~~ (makes ) student more independence. It appears that the form of the verb makes does not work with is in this sentence.  
  
Thank you
hi ryan ^,^  
i would like to give some notes for your essay  
>>> for + verb+ING and to +verb1  
  
There ~~is an~~are advantages for directly ~~to~~ going to a university such as ... ( because you mentioned two advantages) .  
  
~~As a~~this results in students did not ...  
  
Turning to the benefit of getting a job before studying ,  
  
Consequently, It prepares students for ~~the~~ future job . It ~~is~~ makes (double verb) students more independence because students approximately use their own money and habitual talk ~~with~~to other people.  
  
... it is ~~pivotal~~crucial~~for~~ to improve their skills and mental in real life  
  
keep writing broo (^.^)
Hi! I have some feedback for you!  
  
In conclusion, students ... should be  
In conclusion, students have to prepare before attending university by finding a proper job to fill their leisure time after released from senior high school as it is important for their activities in campus or workplace after graduated from university.  
  
... improve skills and mental in real life, especially independence to ... should be  
Although doing work will spent much time, it is pivotal to improve their skills and mental in real life especially in order to create an independent personality so that they can have money for their college paid tuition fee and do not rely on parents.
Hi Riandi, as I go through the essay, I must say that you are still having difficulties in your essay, specially when it comes to your linking verbs, this is minor, however, it will become a major one when it's not treated properly, what I mean is, you have to try and include this in your sentences, every time you write, should you do this more often, you will be able to manage a well written essay without any difficulties in sending your ideas across your readers.  
  
Having said that, please find a few enhancements below;  
  
- Some people believe that the rising generation  
- ~~after graduated~~of graduates from school  
- to pick up a job ~~for~~after a couple of years  
- before going to the university is increasing .  
- due to ~~one~~the fact that this is~~of~~ a great way before  
- going to the university, is working  
- ~~since~~in order to obtain some skills  
- and ~~much~~more money for tuition be paid. - There are many benefits ~~of~~in taking up a job  
- but there could be a few drawbacks as well.  
  
There you have it Riandi, as you can see there's still quiet a few remarks and corrections done in order to enhance and strengthen your essay, I hope this helps.
**Topics:  
Many museums charge for admission while others are free.  
Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
Admission policy of museums is always a controversial issue. From my point of view, charging entry fees does not create more benefits than providing free admission because this type of organizations usually could gain more from other sources, such as donations and selling artifacts.  
  
The most significant advantage of charging no admission fee is that it could bring more visitors. The increases of people not only promote a museum but also enhance its income. Take my personal experience as an example. Last time my friends and I planned a trip. We wanted to find a balance between travel spending and the variety of attractions we plan to go. As such, the spending on entry ticket became a critical factor for us to determine whether we should visit historical sites or not. Furthermore, according to an official survey in the UK, admission fees does not actually account for the largest proportion of museum's earning. It indicates museums rely more on donations and the profits created by the secondary spend of admissions.  
  
On the other hands, the opposite opinions primarily focus on that providing zero admission charge will damage the financial position of museums. The reason is that operating and maintaining a place to preserve culture and historical artifacts are not easy jobs. It requires a sufficient income to pay for bills and the salaries of museum's staffs. However, it is possible to offset this lost income by raising income from donations such as implementing a proactive donations strategy.  
  
In conclusion, although charging admission fee can increase the income of museums, in my opinion, providing free entry to people can bring more positive effects and the increasing of tourists might even improve museum's income.
Hi zzzfly, I want to give you advice  
  
Admission policy of museums always becomes the controversial issue  
  
The enhancement of people not only promote a museum but also accelerate its influx .  
  
Take my personal experience as an example (*It is the speaking style, not the writing style*)  
  
You can improve like this: For instance, based on my experience  
  
The reason of ~~that~~ operating and maintaining a ...  
  
Actually, your sentence makes us being confuse. **You just put a conjunction if there are two verbs.**  
  
Good luck, keep writing
Hello  
You have a good summary  
I have some corrections for you  
  
We wanted to find a ~~balance~~**different** between **the cost during** travel ~~spending~~ and the variety of attractions ~~we plan to go~~**before we going**  
  
... factor for us to determine *whether* we should visit ...  
It indicates museums rely ~~more~~ on donations and the ...  
  
However, it is possible to offset ~~this~~**about** lost income by ...  
  
..., providing free entry to people ~~can~~ would bring more ...  
  
You have made a good writing structure for body 1 and 2 also in conclusion  
  
too many repetitive words (income,increase,charging), maybe it can be changed into new words,
**The Best -and worst- places to be a working woman**  
The United Nation has published "glass-ceiling index" that aims to reports the most suitable place for women to work. Its indicators are higher education, labor-force participation, pay, child-care costs, maternity rights, business-school applications and representation in senior jobs. Unsurprisingly, the Scandinavia countries such as Iceland, Norway, Sweden and Finland-lie in top overall. In these regions, a woman has chance of equal treatment as men. Finland is the highest share of education compare with a man by 14%. Meanwhile, in Iceland has 44% woman on company boards. The least ranking of working woman is Japan, Turkey and South Korea where men have a tendency to fill a strategic position such as senior employee than a woman. Their salary gap is wide as well.  
  
Note: feel free to give comments
Hi Lincoln.  
I have a few suggestions to finalize your summary. Hopefully, these can help you to improve your skill.  
  
... that aims to report~~s~~(verb Agreement--- To Infinitive) the most suitable WORKING place for women ~~to work~~ .  
Unsurprisingly, the Scandinavia'S countries such as Iceland, (...) ARE in THE top overall. In these regions, ~~a~~ THE woman has A chance of equal ...  
... share of education compareD with ~~a~~ man by 14%. Meanwhile, in Iceland has 44% OF THE NUMBER OF ~~woman~~ WOMEN on company boards. The least ranking of working PLACE FOR woman is Japan~~,~~ . FOLLOWING THAT, Turkey and South Korea ARE THE COUNTRIES where men have a tendency ...
hi Lincon ^,^  
  
i have feedback for your summary  
  
>>> subject + verb agreement ( to + verb1 withous S)  
  
... that aims to report~~s~~ the most suitable place ...  
~~Its~~these indicators are  
  
..., Sweden and Finland~~-~~ lie in top overall.  
  
... woman has chance ~~of equal~~as treatment as men.  
  
Finland is the highest shar~~e~~ing of education by woman compare with ...  
  
Meanwhile, in Iceland (missing subject, preposition can not be a subject)it has 44% woman ...  
  
keep writing broo (^,^)
hai lincoln  
here's my suggestions for you  
hope it works  
  
... that aims to report~~s~~ the most ~~suitable place~~workplace for women ~~to work~~ . It is indicator~~s~~ are high~~er~~ education, labor-force participation, pay, child~~-~~ care costs, maternity ...  
  
Unsurprisingly, the Scandinavia countries such as Iceland, Norway, Sweden and Finland~~-~~ lie in top overall. ~~In~~ these regions, a woman has a chance of equal ...  
  
Meanwhile, in Iceland, (using comma) has 44% woman ...  
  
thanks
Khoa, your instructor is trying to teach you how to do research. That is why he asked you to choose a topic that you would be interested in writing. Now, I can see that you chose the topic Climate Change for your paper. That is a highly interesting topic indeed. But he is right, it is too broad. You see, there are sub-topics under Climate change that you should have chosen from in order to concentrate on one particular issue related to climate change. An example of the sub-topics you could have chosen from include the greenhouse effect and the melting polar ice caps. In order to create a truly informative exploratory essay, you should have narrowed down your topic of research. Trying to report on Climate Change in general is a disservice to those reading your essay.  
  
Do a research on Climate Change and its related topics for discussion. From that list, you can opt for one topic to discuss in your revised essay. Developing a singular, but related topic to Climate Change will allow you to better find your 5 sources and present a better discussion of the topic from all available points of view. I believe that this will be the best way to narrow down your topic for research as your instructor has requested you to do.
I really appreciate your help, but I don't know what are flaws in my essay?  
+my thesis is : **human activities** are a culprit of climate change and **the effects**of climate change are unimaginable.  
+then my first body paragraph focuses on explaining why human activities are a culprit with examples.  
+second body paragraph is focuses on the consequences which is effects of climate change with examples again  
+last paragraph is my restatement  
Could you help me understand what makes my essay is not well developed.  
Thank you very much.