dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi @tamcsp  
I think your essay gave us a many-sided view about this problem, and your tone is great, but I think your answer not proper to academic essay, because this topic is "agree or disagree". And you should state your answer directly in your introduction. So 2 paragraphs following could not clear out your option, because you discussed both sides of this topic, not supported your own opinion. Your structure is more proper if it be used for literary one.  
  
Hope it will help.
Tam, your paper has not properly discussed the prompt requirements. This is an agree or disagree essay that you responded to as a personal opinion essay. The response to this is either "Yes, I agree" or "No, I disagree." it cannot be responded to with "I believe" because that is not an option provided for in the original prompt. This is a single opinion essay discussion covering 4 paragraphs namely:  
  
1. Prompt paraphrase - inaccurately presented  
2. Explanation of your point of view - No side was taken in your argument  
3. Example to support your point of view - Again, no relevant discussion pertaining to this was done  
4. Concluding summary - Your work does not appropriately summarize the discussion points because you did not present the correct discussion and supporting reasons for the provided topic.  
  
You basically went rogue and created your own discussion topic. Which means you did not understand what the instructions for the discussion were. This is the type of essay that, if written during an actual test, will find it very difficult to reach even a passing score consideration from the examiner.
Hi everyone, I am new learner and I'm here to improve my writing skill. Hoping you will help me correct my essay by leaving some comments. Thank you all.  
  
## A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING?

  
  
In modern world, the speed of globalisation will lead to the expand of foreign trade and domestic trade, especially advertisements of those business to customers. Advertisements have created advantages to both customers and business by their effects in large sphere. So if we enforce a ban to all forms of advertising, we may lost much profits and advantage than prevent its drawbacks.  
  
Firstly, advertising is one of the fastest ways to approach technology, information of many social and economic aspects such as business, information technology, education,... in various forms like articles, online magazines, videos,.. and people no longer have to find their needs in traditional ways but connect to Internet. Many forms of advertising connect expectations of people by using colors, funny images and brief informations which remark goods' features and people can easily choose which ones will best suit their needs. So, people will not squander their time in selecting wares, or can watch them by entertained purpose.  
  
Secondly, the revenue from advertising is huge receipts, which can decide many business's incomes. Google is a typical example of this, with PR Google Adwords. Advertisements have grown many business such as Instagram, Clash of Clans, Tinder, or Snapchat, which help these companies gain competitive edges in market. Predicted profit of these apps is 100 billion USD in 2020, which boost their future in particular ways. This number will influence economic growth, and draws investments from other country to develop and solve many financial problems of each business and country.  
  
To sum up, the profit of advertising in both customer's suitable needs and economy problems are undeniable. If we can manage the way we consume this new technology with selected and conscious thoughts, we will have precise choices for our lives and prompt business to make the most of their resources.
Hello Linh,  
  
You vocab is amazing, strong with tons of leveraged words and your grammar is somewhat perfect.  
  
...n will lead to the **expansion** of foreign ...*(I think the cohesion is weak here. Why advertisements - any connections btw globalization - expansion?)* Advertisements have created advantages to ...*(you can check on google "create advantages". Quite not the collocation)* So if we enforce a ban to ...*(unclear. I think you can read it again to the see what you want to convey)*  
  
Overall, I think simplicity is the best in writing. If you use google more, you might be able to find better ways to convey what you want without circumvention. And if possible, you can spend some time reading articles on the topic to get ideas, good topic-related expressions, and many more.  
  
Please try other ways of "...". You can put a full stop.  
  
Best of luck with your next draft!
Ngo, your prompt paraphrase is not proper. I say that because a properly paraphrased prompt will explain the subject, reason for the discussion, and offer a presentation regarding the discussion instruction to the reader. The purpose of the opening paraphrase is not to discuss the topic immediately but rather, to explain to importance of the discussion topic and mode of discussion so that the reader will know what information to expect in the body of paragraphs. In this instance, I believe you did a prompt deviation because, as per the title of this essay the discussion topic is whether all advertising forms should or should not be banned. Then your discussion topic instead became a presentation of the drawbacks and benefits of advertising. So there are 2 opposing discussions here and I cannot determine which discussion is the correct one because your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate and you did not post the original prompt either.  
  
You are misusing punctuation marks in this essay. You must never mix the use of a comma and ellipses in a given sentence. A comma indicates an additional statement is to follow. Ellipses implies that there are additional statements made but not included in the presentation. Since you are writing an academic essay, there is no need to ever use the ellipses in a presentation. That is more used in creative essays rather than academic ones.
## the number of girls per hundred boys studying

  
  
The given three bar graphs illustrate the number of girls per hundred boys studying in three main levels of school education. The graph compares the change in enrollment pattern in developed and developing countries in years 1990 and 1998.  
  
Overall, developed countries focus more on girl education than developing countries, at all levels .Nevertheless, both developed and developing countries showed increase in regards, over the period of time.  
  
The number of girls per hundred boys enrolled in primary education was 83 in 1990 for developing countries and in 1998, it increased only by 4.In comparison developed countries had 95 girls per hundred boys in 1990, and showed negligible change over 8 years. For secondary level, girls ratio declined for developing nations from 83 to 72 and 87 to 82 in year 1990 and 1998 respectively. For developed countries, both figures rose by 3.  
  
Surprisingly, in tertiary level, gap widens between developed and developing countries as in former, for 100 boys only 66 girls were registered in 1990 and 75 in 1998. In contrast, developed nations superseded the target of 100 at 105 and 112 in both years.(187 words)  
  
Kindly also suggest how to condense my report to 150 words.  
  
*
One way to limit your word count is to avoid the repetition of information throughout the essay. You often repeated the phrase "per hundred boys" in this essay, which unnecessarily increased your word count. You need to mention the information regarding the measurement only once in the essay. Usually, this is mentioned as part of the summary overview or trending statement. Which makes for easy reference for your reader as he reads your report analysis.  
  
Another way that you can compress your writing to 150 words is to create a one topic trending statement rather than presenting a comparative trending statement. You have to pick whether you want to present the upward or downward trend for that statement. You should base your trending statement on whichever has the higher level of graph movement. That would be the information that will be more important to the reader.  
  
There will always be a tendency for you to write a little over 150 words if you want to present an accurate analytical presentation. I have seen essays presented with 151 words at the very least for the practice test. I always advise students to aim for 175 words in the Task 1 essay though. That figure represents the number of words needed in the overall essay to gain the highest scoring possibilities in all 4 scoring considerations.
**The graph below shows the different modes of transport used to travel to and from work in one European city in 1960, 1980 and 2000.  
  
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information below.**  
  
## The proportion of people and their commuting method

  
  
My writing  
  
The bar chart indicates certain types pf transport used to commute in one European city during the 1980-2000 period.  
  
As can be seen clearly from the chart, while there were more people using car, the reverse result was for bus.  
  
The proportion of people utilizing train was approximately 20% in 1960, then there was a noticable growth in the next 20 years to 27%, which followed by a decline to 22% in 2000. The figure for tube made up above 25% at the beginning of the period, later dropped to almost 20% in 1980 and witnessed a recovery to excactly 25% in 2000.  
  
As for car data, it only accounted for under 10% of commuters initially. Twenty years later, there was a dramatic increase to 23%, followed by another sharp rocket to above 35% in 2000. In contrast, bus was the most common transport in 1960 with approximately 40% users, which underwent two rapid downfalls in the following 20 and 40 years, with 26% and 15% respectively.  
  
*All feedbacks are going to be held of value by me.*  
  
*
Hi, thank you for your valuable feedback about my last essay. I'd love to give you some advice on your essay.  
First, I think your essay is well-structured, although I think your overview is quite vague and lacks some additional information. You need to mention that over the period, car has changed from the least to the most popular transport and the reverse was true for bus. Or you can say that the number of car commuters experienced an upward trend, while that of bus decreases; the other two didn't change much.  
  
Also, you should try compare the figure more.  
For the transitions and vocabulary, I think you uses it the right way and it seems natural for me. However, there are some mistakes that I found:  
  
**another sharp rocket**  
"Rocket" as a verb means " rise extremely quickly", but we don't use it as a noun to describe progress. You should use a more suitable noun. And even as a verb, "rocket" can't use with "sharp", because it would be redundant.  
  
**In contrast, bus was the most common transport in 1960 with approximately 40% users, which underwent two rapid downfalls in the following 20 and 40 years, to 26% and 15% respectively.**  
  
**in the next 20 years**  
"in" is fine, but I think you should use "for","over" or "during".
## population size in the uk over three centuries

  
  
The bar charts indicate the size of the population in a particular region in the UK and the corresponding fertility rates together with mortality rates from 1700 to 2000.  
  
Overall, there was an upward trend in the regional population in the UK on 100 years comparison point commencing from 1700. It is also noteworthy that the birth rates were generally higher than the death rates over the same period.  
  
According to the first graph, in 1700, the population density stood at just above 1.5 million, and gradually increased by equally 1 million every century, reaching a peak of 4.5 million in 2000, which was twice as much as at the start of the period.  
  
In the second graph, the birth rate was initially recorded at above 40%, while the death rate was slightly lower at about 35%. In the following century, the percentages of born and dead people dramatically went up to the highest point at about 65% and 45%, respectively. Both figures saw sudden declines in 1900. Throughout the remaining time, the birth rate experienced a slight recovery to nearly 60%, whereas the death rate declined significantly to the bottom of nearly 30%.  
  
PS: Would you mind evaluate my IELTS essay to see whether my score is around 6.0-6.5? Thank you so much in advance.  
  
*
Hi Minh,  
  
Your vocab range is varied enough for a 6.0 I think. So is your grammar.  
  
There are some wordings I would like to change/ clarify:  
The phrases **regional population** **on 100 years comparison point** can be quite confusing. You can change the former into "the number of inhabitants in millions" (since you have mention "one particular region" in the intro. As with the latter, I have a hard time figuring out what you want to say.  
  
In the 3rd paragraph, the logic isn't quite right:  
"The percentages of born and dead ...". What you have been talking about is the "rate", not the number/ percentage of people so please be careful.  
  
Good luck with the next draft!
## some rights at an eligible age

  
  
**The figure shows the results of a survey of 1000 adolescents in five different countries. The participants were asked at what age they believed certain rights and responsibilities should be granted to young people.**  
  
*Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feature.*  
  
My writing  
  
The bar chart illustrates a result from a survey of a thousand teenagers conducted in five different countries about the eligible age that people can grant certain rights.  
  
As can be seen clearly from the chart, the age for marriage and voting were over 15.  
  
From the given data, Japanese and British juveniles agreed that the marrying age should be greater than 20, whereas the American's thought was 18 and the belief of Mexican and Egytian in this questionaire was 16. In term of voting, youngters from Japan opined that the suitable age was excactly 20. In contrast, the figures for the other four countries were under 20, with 18 for American and Egytian and 16 for British and Mexican.  
  
As for the criminal accountabilities, Japanese adolesencts' conviction was 18. Both British annd Mexican shared the opinion of reasonable age which was 15. The age figures for the USA and Egypt were 12 and 14 respectively.  
  
*Any suggestions are appreciated.*  
  
*
I have some suggestion for your essay:  
  
Firstly, the overview seems to be missing, you should conclude more fine details in this part or you will lower score for your Task achievement. Secondly, you should pay more attention to grammar accuracy, I spot many spelling mistakes in this essay, this would reduce significantly your band to no more than 5.0. Moreover, you should try to lengthen to about 170 words, your essay just barely meets the minimum demand for task 1, which also does not fully cover all the distinct features in the graph.
## Graphical presentation of a town's development

  
  
**The maps below show the centre of a small town called Islip as it is now,and plans for its development.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features,and make comparisons when relevant**  
  
The newly proposed development scheme of the Islip town centre is put forward recently,in which the layout of it would be under a drastic transformation.  
  
Currently,the majority of development have been surrounding of the main road.A bunch of shops are neatly lined along the main road.The main road branches off to the school and the park,offering access for them as well as the nearby residential area.  
  
Nevertheless,in accordance with the development scheme,the layout of Islip town centre will probably be thoroughly transformed.A dual carriageway is to be introduced to the town centre,with a dozen of additional amenities.A bunch of shops are going to be eliminated while the area extends to the nearby countryside.These amenities would be located there,including a bus station,a shopping centre and a car park.Apart from the newly constructed amenities,the town centre would also have two additional housing blocks.  
  
*
put forward recently,in add a space between the comma and in.  
Add a space between Currently, the.  
Mostly just spacing issues between the punctuations and words Spacing is important. Be mindful of that.  
  
"Currently,..." doesn't sound right to me.  
I would say. "... of development is surrounding ~~of~~ the main road" or "The majority of development is happening around the main road" or something along the lines of that.
## proportion of population aged 65 and over

  
  
The given line graph represents the measure of elder people aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040.  
  
Overall, all three countries are expected to show increasing trend. Elderly people in Japan are expected to increase rapidly at the end of the period.  
  
In 1940, the elderly people were lowest in Japan at 5% while Sweden and US had about 6% and 10% of population aged 65 and over respectively.USA and Sweden showed similar increase for next two decades whereas Japan showed gradual decline and remain stagnant at about 3% for 5 decades. Sweden outraced USA in 1990 and continue to follow increase for next two decades. Meantime USA experienced a gradual decrease and Japan follows slight increase.  
  
It is expected that in year 2030, number of older people will soar dramatically and Japan will reach highest ratio of 28%. Likewise, USA and Sweden showed slight increase reaching its peak at 22% and 25% respectively by the end of the period.  
  
*
Harpeet, just like all other students here, your overview paragraph presentation is incomplete. It lacks a reference to the age groups represented, the comparative years grouping, the measurement style, and a single trending statement. The more accurate summary would have been:  
  
*A line graph representing the proportion of the elderly population in 3 countries has been provided. The countries used in the survey are the USA, Sweden, and Japan. With ages ranging from 65 and above, the measurements are given in percentages and represents the population on a 2 decade comparison point ranging from 1940 up to 2040. The overall trend is that all 3 countries are projected to experience an increase in their retirement age population starting the year 2020 until 2040..*  
  
You caught onto the obvious information and comparison points. Good job! The analysis could have benefitted from a 2 decade presentation of information though. You did not fully utilize the year count as required, which makes your analysis feel incomplete in terms of information presentation. Good estimation presentation as well towards the end of the essay. However, you failed to present the estimate of the population by the year 2040 in the final presentation.  
  
Accuracy is the name of the game. Make sure that all relevant data, from percentages to years presented are properly outlined and presented in the analysis report that you are writing every single time, regardless of the topic for discussion.
*Hi everyone, I would really appreciate that you will give your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible. Thank you so much for your help. Have a nice day*  
  
## physical activity in 2010 australia

  
  
The bar chart compares the rates of males and females in 6 age groups in Australia, who were engaged regularly in physical exercise in 2010.  
  
As conspicuous from the statistics, in all age groups, except teenagers, women generally tended to exercise more than men. It is also noteworthy that women in middle-age groups participated in physical activity the most, compared to men who were more active in their teens and mid-twenties.  
  
According to the graph, regarding the 15-24 age group, the percentage of the male taking part in the exercise was the highest, accounting for nearly 53%, while the same figure for the female was relatively lower, at about 48%. As they got older, from 25 to 54, women had an inclination to become more active as their proportion increased steadily to reach its highest point at 53.3%.  
  
In contrast, the figures for men decreased dramatically to bottom out at nearly 40% when they hit 35-44 years old, then recovering slightly and slowly rising to 45.1% at the age between 55-64. Additionally, when both genders were 65 and more, as the percentage of women declined modestly, men and women then had a similar level of participating in physical activity, at 46.1% and 47.1%, respectively.  
  
*
@Minh2903  
  
in 6 (different) age groups  
  
(in all age groups, except teenagers, women tended to exercise more than men ) because you have emphasized it clearly about which age group women lagged behind men in physical activities there is no need to write generally or if you want to write generally don't mention the exception  
  
(As they got older, ...) Here, the sentence is more complicated and not direct as it may indicate you are trying to overwrite so you can keep it simple like:  
  
... from 25 to 54, women showed more inclination towards participation in physical activities as compared to men as figures reach its peak at 53.3%  
  
You can say In regards to the 15-24 age group instead of regarding because the former makes little more sense than latter. Otherwise, good work!!!:)
Minh, writing over 200 words will not help you during the actual test. Do not write more than 175-200 words because you need to leave yourself time for the review and editing of your work. This is not a task 2 essay so you only need to present the actual information from the chart. You do not need to be too wordy to show off your vocabulary or such in this instance because the focus of the examiner will be on your ability to use all of the given information from the chart in the manner described in the instructions.  
  
That said, you failed to present the information about what the 6 age groups are and the measurement type as part of the summarized information. Make sure that all of the types of information being presented in the chart are included in the summary for accuracy purposes. The types of information presented in the listing tells the reader what sort of analysis report will be presented and the reason why it is being presented.  
  
You need to be consistent in your representation of the type of illustration that is provided. A bar chart is certainly different from a simple graph (which could mean a line graph) so look at the type of image and use that reference at all times. This is a bar chart and not a simple graph.  
  
Do not rely on overly long sentences to explain yourself. Not all of the information needs to be tied together even when unrelated. You ended up using run-on sentences throughout your presentation. Run-on sentences and overly long sentences do not represent complex sentences. These are just what they are, long sentences. The complexity of the sentence lies in word usage and sentence structure. Present each idea as a single sentence per paragraph instead. You could have easily created up to 5 complex sentences in each paragraph if you had taken care to not write run-ons instead.