I realize that you are a highly qualified typist. That is, you have an admirable typing speed since you were able to type almost 500 words. However, the essay you provided, though wordy, is not of the quality that will help you get a high level score. You see, the scoring is not based on the number of words you can type, it is based on the perfect quality of the discussion, reasons, and lack of grammatical and vocabulary errors. Hence, exam takers are always advised to write only 275-290 words. That is so you will have the opportunity to edit the essay before submission. Now, I am glad that you said you noticed your errors in the presentation. You should have taken that time to correct it already. It is better for you to get no corrections from a contributor or less corrections, than to have you leave errors in the essay which could affect the review of your work. Self-editing is important in the Task 2 essay, so you should take the chance to do it whenever you get the chance.  
  
Now, the opening paragraph is lacking in presentation. You need to summarize the original topic presentation by restating it in your own words. While your response to the question is properly formatted, you should not simply state your response to the question. That is only half the required task for that paragraph. Always include the following:  
  
- Rephrased topic  
- Reason for the discussion  
- Response to the given discussion question  
  
By properly delivering the first paragraph requirements, you will be able to achieve a maximum TA score consideration. That is the most important part of the scoring section so you should work hard to perfect that part.  
  
You over discussed the essay. Based on the required discussion topics, you need to have only presented 2 reasoning paragraphs based on the topics:  
- Social problems  
- Practical problems  
  
Always remember to look for the discussion instructions and topic outline from within the original prompt. Outline it first so that you do not waste time writing an unnecessarily long essay. For this, the outline would have been:  
  
*Topic: Living in a country where you have to speak in a foreign language  
Discussion points: serious social problems as well as practical problems  
Discussion Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?*  
  
Outlining helps you write a proper draft. It also helps to properly focus the discussion / reasoning paragraphs so that you do not write too many words composed of irrelevant discussion points.  
  
The concluding paragraph should have been properly formatted to represent:  
- The rephrased original topic  
- 2 discussion topics  
- Opinion / restated response  
- Discussion closing sentence (optional)  
  
So the format for your essay is off. It should only represent:  
- Restatement + question response  
- reason 1  
- reason 2  
- Concluding paraphrase  
  
One last note before I sign off on this discussion. Try to insert the use of first person pronouns in the essay since you are being asked to discuss your opinion, based on a yes or no extent question within the essay. It will help you increase your GRA score since you will be presenting a well rounded discussion that proves your ability to use pronouns, which is a foundation rule when it comes to English writing. You must known how and when to remind the reader that he/she is reading your personal opinion, based on the given discussion topic. It keeps the reader on track and helps the reader understand whose opinion is being presented.  
  
A generalized opinion, one that does not use pronouns, lessens your GRA scoring consideration as the speaker in the essay is not clear to the reader. Without pronouns, it appears that you are presenting a general discussion, rather than a personal discussion, as per the requirements of the discussion instructions.  
  
I avoided reviewing the grammar problems for now as we have to first make sure that you know how to properly format your response, as expected by the examiner, before we move on to the grammar errors. Correcting that will not be useful if you did not properly present the discussion in the first place.