dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi,  
In your first reasoning paragraph, your topic sentence mentions that:"... public museums and art galleries had better be opened **for the purpose of protecting historical objects and art works from being spoiled**." This means that you should use your whole first reasoning paragraph to give reasons or examples that will support your idea that museums and art galleries are needed to conserve historical objects and artworks from being damaging. In fact, I think you are doing fine up until the moment you mention: "Besides, public museums ... Most people would prefer ..." These two sentences are irrelevant to your topic sentence. In other words, they did not support your topic sentence.  
  
In a paragraph, the most important sentence is the topic sentence. This sentence will mention the subject of that whole paragraph. This is why I think you should check whether your points, reasons, and examples in a paragraph are truly supporting your topic sentence.  
  
I hope this helps you. Keep up your good work.
## Young people know more about international pop and movie stars than famous people

  
  
These days, the youth pay more attention to entertainment celebrities than the historic figures of their nations. Reasons behind this trend will be analyzed and several solutions should be proposed to improve the situation.  
  
There are two reasons why young people are more attracted by famous music and movie stars instead of their countries' history. One reason is that social media gives wings to the spread of the fame of celebrities. It is common to notice that their work and live always grab the headlines of magazines, especially the online ones, drawing teenagers' attention toward these topics. Another reason is the tedious teaching method of history in school. Due to the lack of practical activities and learning by heart a great deal of information about historical events, students must experience feelings of boredom and stress.  
  
However, solutions can be proposed to make the youth more intersted about the historical people of their countries. Firstly, movies may be an effective approach to bring history closer to teenagers. Moving images with sound will keep young people's fascinated about the sacrifice of national heroes and heroines in bloody wars, especially those which have their idols to star in. Secondly, the teaching method in history class can be tailored to arouse students' interests. For example, providing the students opportunities to visit museum or historical heritage can diversify their learning activities and thus promote their curiosity and memorization of historical names and events.  
  
In conclusion, in spite of the neglect of young people for historic people of their countries and paying intention to famous celebrities, this trend can be improved by several suggested solutions.
The prompt restatement is well developed. However, the establishing discussion topics are missing from the opinion statement, thus leaving the examiner without a clear idea as to how the writer plans to connect the 2 discussion references in the discussion paragraphs. It was the weak formatted writer's opinion that created a lower than expected score for that section.  
  
Increased points will always be given to students who show a strong C+C skill in their writing. In this writer's case, his LR ang GRA considerations will be equal in scoring. His C+C score however, could have have a better opportunity to increase his score had he properly formatted the discussion points first.  
  
For increased scoring, he should have opened the first reasoning paragraph with the weakness involved in the way that the historical figures are introduced. Following it up with the strength of celebrity through social media would have shown that the writer used an analytical point of view for his discussion. That presentation format would have been a major plus for the scoring section. The same applies to the solution paragraph. For cohesive considerations, the same information presentation format as the first should have been followed as I suggested. These would have resulted in a maximized C+C scoring consideration.  
  
Overall, the essay is not going to fail since it meets all of the passing score requirements. However, it could have gotten a higher than expected score if certain aspects were presented in a particular manner.
## importance of Money in a workplace

  
  
In today's society, many people would rather choose a job with high wages than the get a job fulfillment due to several reasons. In my opinion, I completely agree with this statement. In the following essay, the reasons to support my view will be discussed in detail.  
  
For a variety of reasons, it is the fact that a person who does a job that brings him or her fulfillment can receive part of his reward in the form of a so-called "psychic wage" and that is the thing people who go to work just for a high income is hard to get. When people find their occupation intriguing, they can do it enthusiastically without feeling exhausted and get the better fruits of their labor. Job happiness might lower the risk of psychological diseases caused by work pressure, such as overtime, poor wages, fastidious bosses, and meanness of colleagues.  
  
Apart from the practical concerns expressed above, I believe that it would be better to have a good income. In recent years, the cost of living is becoming higher and higher, people need a certain amount of money to pay for necessary expenses such as accommodation, electricity bill, tuition and so forth. The quality of life is probably better if you are abundantly supplied with money. For example, in a wealthy family, their child has more opportunities to get into an international school or study abroad and does not feel inferior to their friends. With high earnings, people can save a spare sum of money for special situations namely traffic accidents, sudden sickness, and the like. For instance, during the pandemic, many people are unemployed and in financial difficulty because they have no reserve money to pay for fees and food bills.  
  
In conclusion, there will be difficulties and pressure if you are unable to do a job that satisfies you, but money will be a worthy recompense for resolving your critical life issues.
When writing the prompt estatement do not indicate "several reasons" when it cannot be referred to in the original presentation. Such word fillers reduce the accuracy of the writer's interpretation. Yes, the writers version will be compared with the original topic due to accuracy requirements. Any lapses, exaggerations, and misrepresentations will meet with scoring deductions.  
  
Even the opinion response will be scrutinized in terms of response format. Incorrect responses, such as when extent and emotional responses like the one above are used instead of the appropriate simple response, shall receive reduced scoring consideration. Learn the response format differences.  
  
Do not repeat the discussion instructions nor explain what the next paragraphs will represent. That will not receive accuracy scores since it does not help support and prove the accuracy of your opinion. Provide the topic foundations for your opinion instead to receive points for that section.  
  
The writer does not really improve the response content of this essay with the overwriting that was done. Word and please fillers were mistakenly used as transition instruments. so while the essay is long, it does not really provide all of the solid scoring requirements. Less words with a clear explanation works best. This essay needs to better integrate sentence types.  
  
Everything said, I still have to admit that the discussion presented is logical. An important factor the examiner will consider when assessing the paper for scores.
***It is difficult for people living in ciites today get enough physical exercise.***  
## What are the causes?

  
  
*Shortage of physical exercise is a prevailing situation among citizens*  
*This essay will examine the main causes of physical exertion loss and possible solutions to this problem.*  
  
The two main causes of workout shortfall are citizens' busy work schedules and the popularity of sedentary leisure activities. Since living costs in metropolises are tremendous, citizens tend to spend most of their time working, even at the weekend. As a result, they hardly ever have time for physical activity. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, Americans worked an average of 34. 4 hours per week. Besides, engaging in screen time exercises such as watching TV or playing computer games seems to be a trendy way to relax these days. Hence, time spent doing sports or outdoor games has reduced significantly. A new study shows that the average American has more than five hours of leisure time a day, while only 20 minutes is for exercise.  
  
a number of possible solutions to this problem are raising people's awareness and installing more fitness equipment. When metropolises residents are fully aware of regular exercise's significance, they would invest more time participating in active exercise or doing workouts. Additionally, since more training device is set up in parks and other public areas, people tend to join in more exertion. Take Le Thi Rieng Park in Vietnam for example, it has attracted an increasing number of local residents after being equipped with more equipment. Besides, the government should build more bicycle lanes and make sidewalks safer in order to inspire more citizens to cycle or walk to walk.  
  
To conclude, hectic city life and new leisure activities are the cause of the reduction in time for physical exercising. However, we can significantly boost by raising alertness and providing more appliances
A review of the original prompt indicates that the writer should have provided reasoning topics for the questions provided. 2 causes and 2 solutions. These should have been presented over the remaining 4 sentences allowed for the paragraph since the writer has to establish the foundation of his opinion, based upon the restated topic. While the examiner will appreciate a repeat of the discussion instructions, he cannot give you points for that since it does not help establish the clarity of your opinion within the prompt restatement + personal opinion paragraph. The reference can exist in the paragraph, but it will not help your score.  
  
Review the grammar rules when it comes to apostrophe usage. It cannot be used to indicate the plural form of a word and a word that should be in plural form should not be proprietarial in presentation. The writer also failed to capitalize the first word of a particular sentence in his presentation. A writing structure error of the notable kind. These are clear references to a lack of punctuation mark usage knowledge.  
  
As far as reasons go, the paragraph would have been better scored if the last sentence were not presented in the discussion anymore. Note how it was presented as a single sentence? Yeah, that is not going to qualify as a completely developed explanation paragraph so it will be a scoring deduction instead. This is the same situation that occurred in the solutions paragraph. So there will be 2 C+C deductions applied to the essay.
***There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important reason/factor.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
It is believed that people are motivated to stay in the workforce by some elements, as well as money is considered the most crucial factor. Although people put a premium on salary in the workforce, I do not agree that money is the most essential reason as there are still some other elements that motivate people to stay in the workforce.  
  
On the one hand, we can understand why money is an important factor. Money is an element that people notice when they apply for a job. More specifically, they are likely to look for a well-paid job and offer a high salary, and those who do that tend to stay in the workforce for a long time. In addition, people go to work to make money because it is needed for their daily life such as houses, clothes, food, and transportation. As a result, a high salary is a necessary element to have loyal staff.  
  
Nevertheless, there are also several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce. Firstly, the environment and association in the workplace can affect people's work. Specifically, a place that has many arguments between co-workers, or the boss's criticism can influence the staff's productivity, and those lead them to leave a job. Secondly, people also decide to stay in the workforce based on their feelings as well as their passions. Take musicians and composers as an example, creativity and achievement in their field are more important than money, so money does not matter to them either stay or leave.  
  
Overall, I disagree that money is the most important reason to stay in the workforce while there are some factors such as association, passions, and feelings that are also important.  
  
*(Could you please give feedback with the band descriptor? Thank you so much!)*
The writer has not provided an originally worded prompt topic restatement. He used a clear cut and paste phrase from the original presentation and also did not work very hard to change several reference points within his essay. It still uses too many elements of the first version to receive a mark that satisfies the originality requirements of the paragraph. His opinion also does not represent the correct emotional or measured response as required by the discussion question. He did respond using an agree or disagree format but he did not provide the degree of response that is required. So he can only get low marks for this semi compliant opinion presentation.  
  
His opinion is not properly supported in the discussion paragraphs since he used a comparative discussion and tried to provide reason for the opposing opinion, which ran counter to his provided opinion. As such the essay will be seen as improperly discussed / developed and will lose points due to this incorrect discussion format.
***As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.***  
  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

  
  
It is obvious that globalization has been under serious consideration due to the rapid development of communication and transport. Actually, many people claim that globalization may completely eliminate cultural identities. From my perspectives, the viewpoint mentioned is not true to a certain extent as a clarified below.  
  
In the first place, I suppose that the viewpoint is not true for some important reasons as follows. To begin with, globalisation encourages interal promotion of traditional cuisine thanks to international travelers and social networks. In fact, there are a variety of Thailand, Vietnamese, French, or Italy all over the world. We now have more chance to taste and even learn how to cook Asian, European, African Food and beverages. For examples, Pho, which is one of Vietnamese traditional dishes, is now widely known and available in all continents. In additions, it popularizes the music industry of one's nation through mass media . It is apparent that Western music dominates virtual listening platforms such as Spotify, Apple, or Youtube. This attracts a great deal of worldwide listeners on a daily basis. Eventually, it is globalisation contributing remarkable improvements to the transportation and communication. By virtue of of fast development of aeroplane as well as advanced technologies, people now have more opportunities to get access to new cultures. That is the they could look back to their culture, eliminate their improper cultural values or reinforce their cultural identities. Also, the cultural values of one's country such as customs or beliefs can be widespread via travellers and the Internet.  
  
On the other hand, as far as I'm concerned, the viewpoint is fully convincing in some ways. Obviously, the folk costume is becoming more ignored, fashion trend and affordable prices of clothing have an immense effect on the young generation, leading to dressing same outfits. In addition, the minority languages of several nations  
  
tend to disappear gradually as a result of globalisation. Hence, speaking and using same languages are unavoidable.  
  
In brief, there are controversial arguments about the issue denoted. Personally, I strongly believe that globalisation would rather greatly develop and maintain cultural identities rather than wipe out their entirety.
It is advisable to avoid statements of fact such as "It is obvious" since there are no such claims made in the original presentation. The examiner is looking for adherence to the original opinion within the topic restatement. These original opinions are often presented as mere generalizations and do not require any attestation in the restatement. Such representations result in altered topic foundations which will merit point deductions. I have to say that the second sentence is quite effective though. It portrays an interesting way of delivering the public concern as stated in the original. However, this strength was weakened by the incomplete writer's opinion presentation. While the establishing phrase is well developed, the lack of direct thesis presentation left the reader wondering about the upcoming discussions. It removed the required clear opinion presentation basis of the writer's opinion. It will also result in score deductions in relation to that paragraph.  
  
One of the things that the writer cannot do in this essay is "suppose" about something. That is because the writer is to assume the tone of an authoritative figure in the discussion who is confident of his opinion and its appropriateness to the discussion. Now, since the writer wrote this paragraph as a supporting paragraph for an opinion that does not align with his previously stated point of view, this paragraph has become worthless. The examiner will not consider scoring this paragraph since it does not align with the single opinion discussion requirement for both paragraphs. Another problem is that his support for the opposing side was far better developed and discussed than his own opinion. So maybe the writer made a mistake in his decision to support the aforementioned opinion? Since it is an extent dis/agree essay, the writer should not be afraid to support the opposing side if that is the one he can better defend. It would have better helped his final score.  
  
The writer opposed himself in terms of his opinion statement in the conclusion, which will lead to a confusing conclusion for the reader. He will not get a passing score for this essay. He should have stuck to his original partial opinion instead of suddenly changing it to a strong statement for the topic.
## what money brings to us?

  
  
With the development of technology. Human can approach to many facilities which helps many people can earn money compared to the past. As such, money have been become plays a crucial role in many people's daily life. Human can gain many benefits from money. However, it also has some negative effects too.  
  
On the one hand, technological advances have resulted in the increase in workers efficiency and productivity which means they will get higher salary to pay for their family's needs and daily expense such as nutrients, drinks, insurance, taxes,... . Moreover, people can live anywhere, buy anything they want when they have enough money. Besides, money is used to purchase things. Without money, the economy of a country will not be able to develop stably which causes many conflicts. For instance, the United States is one of the country that has the biggest economy in the world. Each year, an American can earn more than 60.000 dollars. This helps many people improving their standard of living.  
  
Nevertheless, money also has its drawbacks too. Due to the importance of the money, many people focus too much on earning the money and don't care about their health and their family which is not good for children to learn and follow. Furthermore, it can lead to many family conflicts. Many studies have proven that family with member who is always concentrate on making money are often unhappy and quarrel.  
  
To sum up, although there are some drawbacks of the money, we still can't deny the profit money brings to human.
The question to be answered relates to the disadvantages of having money. There is no technological reference in the original discussion that would warrant its constant mention in the writer's discussion essay. Technology as a discussion foundation should not factor in the presentation as it is an unrelated topicthat led to both an inaccurate prompt restatement and altered writer's opinion. Both of which will result in an automatic failing preliminary score. Neither presentations follow the discussion instructions.  
  
One of the reasoning paragraphs also targets technology as an advantage topic. He does not explain how technology createsa monetary advantage. The discussion is misfocused and as such, further deviates from the topic. This is a different problem from his last reasoning paragraph that lists disadvantages but does not develop a thorough explanation for there ideas.  
  
Based on these discussion problems alone, excluding the other errors in the other scoring areas, it is already clear that this is not a passing essay.
## Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school program

  
  
There has long been a controversial debate over whether school-aged children should be compelled to partake in local volunteer projects without payment. While acknowledging several notable benefits, I still firmly believe that it should be a matter of personal choice.  
  
On the one hand, there are two primary reasons why unpaid community services should be a compulsory subject. The key rationale is that doing volunteer allows students to further enhance their interpersonal skills including teamwork, communication or problem-solving abilities which would doubtless be of great necessity during the latter course of their lives. Added to this is invaluable life lessons drawn from practical experience which might cultivate a sense of maturity and responsibility amongst children. As this mandatory subject enables students to approach the disadvantaged and vulnerable in the society as well as get insight into their harsh living conditions, students are likely to develop a multi-dimensional outlook on lives and conduct themselves in a more mature and appropriate manner.  
  
Considering the concrete gains of unpaid community services, My belief is that it should be a matter of personal preference. The first and foremost argument is that children deserve to be emancipated from any duty in the aftermath of school hours and get rejuvenated via their favorite recreational activities. The idea behind it is that the academic study coupled with various assessment and continuous exams places an enormous strain on school-aged students. Therefore, there should be no additional mandatory subject that cuts down the amount of leisure time meant for their mental and physical well-being. Another convincing argument is that students should be given freedom to do unpaid community-based work otherwise this compulsory subject might sow a seed of resentment and anger in the fragile minds of children, which in turn brings about counter-productive impacts on them.  
  
In short, a considerable improvement on necessary social skills and life lessons could be the desired impacts of unpaid community services, however, I still hold a firm belief that children are entitled to the right to do volunteer at their own disposal.