dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The prompt paraphrase is incomplete. The more accurate way to have close that paragraph was with the first sentence of the next paragraph. So it should have been:  
  
*I disagree that it would represent the best way to mitigate this phenomenom. Several reasons can explain why it is of great importance to train parental skills for fathers and mothers.*  
  
The last sentence would have provided the discussion outline, as implied since it was not directly called for, in support of your opinion. By the way, the word is phenomenon was misspelled in your presentation. LR points deducted for that.  
  
Improper use of an apostrophe in the reasoning paragraph. To show ownership it is written as "parent's" not "parents' ". Never start a sentence with the connecting word "because". The sentence is improperly formatted. Point deductions in the GRA section. The second reason should have its own paragraph since it is a totally separate discussion from the first reason. This is only a 4 paragraph essay. So you do not need 3 reasons. The second reason in the first reasoning paragraph made that overly long but still under explained. It did not really create cohesiveness between the two topics in the same paragraph. That is why it has to be moved down to its own paragraph. Remember, most of the task 2 essays will require only 2 reasons for the discussion, in individual paragraphs. Combining 2 reasons in one paragraph is a waste of time that could have been used editing your work.  
  
The concluding paragraph is a run on sentence. Use the 3-5 sentence format at all times. That is the proper paragraph format for a task 2 essay and that is what will get you a better GRA score.
Hi all! Sorry, I posted my essay on the wrong forum category. How can I fix this?  
  
**Topic: Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?**  
  
## Public person experiences

  
  
Famous people like movie stars or top athletes may have many benefits; however, their fame can also be detrimental. In my opinion, being a celebrity brings about more problems than advantages.  
  
Admittedly, there are some benefits of leading a famous life. Firstly, celebrities are admired by the public. Their talents and achievements are widely recognized and appreciated so they might feel very proud. Secondly, well-known people can earn a lot of money. Being highly influencing people, they are very well-paid for their professional performance as well as other activities using their name such as advertisements and public speeches. For example, a Vietnamese pop star named Dam Vinh Hung earned hundreds of thousands of dollars during his career by holding live shows, issuing CD and appearing in advertisements.  
  
Nevertheless, despite the advantages above, I believe that being famous can be very harmful. One problem is that fame takes away privacy. Every single behaviours and events in famous people's personal life is closely watched and judged by the public. As a result, they are under high pressure of maintaining their image which may not be their true self just to satisfy their fans. Another drawback is that well-known people usually lead a very hectic life which makes it difficult for them to maintain a balance. Many famous actors and actress experienced mental breakdowns, drug abuse or personal relationships collapsing because they cannot handle the pressure of always being on a tight schedule and having no time to relax or spend time with their love one.  
  
In conclusion, the pressure of maintaining image under the eye of the public and being always overworked are seriously harmful to the life of celebrities so those disadvantages far outweigh the advantages of being wealthy and having a lot of fans.
@Holt  
  
Thank you for your comments. It is true that it is easy to spot errors in other students work but it is not easy to apply them to my own essay. I am a little bit confusing because I am studying alone without any teacher so I referred to many sources of information. The reason that I failed to apply your advice may be due to my inability to understand them thoroughly. I continuously posted my essay as I attempted to apply the principles but I still feel that there is something missing in my essay and I cannot fix it. I have some questions that I am unable to answers as follow:  
  
- I understand that I have to develop my ideas fully. However, I still cannot distinguish between developing them and going too far and get off-track. How to solve this problem?  
  
- I have problems with analysing the topic, too. You said that I have to read the topic very carefully and do exactly what it requires. This topic, for example, required us to talk about problems and benefits. I understood that I have to present at least two problems and two benefits and express my opinion at the same time. However, in order to develop fully a problem, explain it and illustrate it with an example, it will take a whole paragraph and I will end up overwrite my essay. So I ended up writing 2 paragraphs, one for problems and one for benefits. I don't know how to develop fully my ideas while still fulfil all of those requirements in the topic or did I interpreted the question wrongly? What is the basic techniques that help me to understand exactly what the question wants me to do?  
  
I hope that you are not frustrated because of my questions. If you do not want to help me anymore, I can understand and I won't bother you by posting my essay here anymore. I just want you to know that although I really appreciate your advice, I still feel it difficult to apply them in my essay and maybe I am still unable to understand my own problem. I don't mean to show off my knowledge or anything else. I am just confusing.
## Computers as the most important invention of the last hundred years

  
  
These days, computers play an essential role in our society. Some people think that ones are the most vital innovation of the last decades. While others believe other inventions are of more importance. In my opinion, I completely agree that the computers become crucial electronic device.  
  
The first reason, date system of computers can store a great amount of documents without wasting the storage space as a manual way of writing. For example, students can use the computer to find or register to borrow books at athenaeum. This way is more convenient and we will not spend much time statisticing the number of books that have been borrowed. In addition reason above, they are programed a powerful tool which help us perform intensive human labour or mundane tasks such as calculating, data analysis and managing various systems, and copying texts. Therefore, the computers enhance our efficiency substantially.  
  
Besides, the computers are also many benefits, especially the application to educational environment. For instance, The Vietnamese Ministry of Education recommends to the government that national high school exam in 2021 should be organized on the computers in order to ensure transparency and accuracy in grading. Furthermore, human can use the computers as communicative tool by connecting social network like Facebook, Instagram or Weibo. This means that people will have a chance to meet family through apps or make friend from different cultures and background.  
  
In conclusion, the computers has made our life be more convenient and reduced a lot of manual tasks. As such, I agree that the computer is the most important invention in the last 100 years.
Amy, do not focus on using big words such as "athaneum" in the essay. I know, you found a big word in the dictionary and could not wait to use it. Guess what? Using complicated words that do not really fit in the overall sentence representation will not help your score. Mostly because the word was used out of context. That means, instead of increasing your score, you actually deducted from the LR score. The examiner will look for proper word usage in the paragraphs. He will also be on the lookout for the smoothness of the word in the sentence. That means, the sentence has to feel natural when read. In this case, that did not happen. You could have used the word library instead and gained a LR score boost instead of the deduction that this word represents.  
  
You should also be concentrating on writing clear English sentences. No matter how simple the presentation, if the meaning is clear to the examiner because the word choices were correct, you will get a scoring consideration instead of a deduction. The first sentence in your first reasoning paragraph was just a big mess of incoherence. It did not provide a clear topic sentence for the examiner to consider. Let me show you a better way of representing that sentence:  
  
*Your Version: The first reason, date system of computers can store a great amount of documents without wasting the storage space as a manual way of writing.  
  
My Version:. Consider that the computer can store vast amounts of data in the form of documents and books, within its memory. This allows the library to collect more information in digital form instead of wasting space storing printed books on a limited number of shelves.*  
  
While your presentation was shorter, it was not as clear as my presentation, which was divided into single sentence explanations for clarity / coherence in the presentation. Thus making my presentation the better one.  
  
Your second reasoning paragraph lacks coherence because of the two topic presentation. The two topics your presented were not related to one another, creating a non-cohesive paragraph presentation. The second part should have been a separate paragraph, with a fully developed supporting presentation. These under developed explanations will affect your TA score adversely.  
  
Based on these two problem points alone you will be able to understand why your essay cannot be given a passing score. It does not qualify due to the problematic TA, LR, GRA, and C&C presentations.
Hello everyone! What do you think about this Toefl writing task?  
  
## Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed

  
  
In my opinion, television Advertising directed at young children should not be allowed. They are to young to see things in TV that have a lot of persuasion and could influence those young children in a bad manner.  
  
Children at that age (two to five) do not distinguish between good and bad things. For example, any children should watch advertising about cigarettes or alcohol. Those advertisings' consumers are parents or people over 18 that can purchase them. A child could misunderstand the message of the advertising and can have more probabilities to consume cigarettes and alcohol when they grow up.  
  
In long term, children could become aggressive. There are a lot of advertisings about not driving after consuming alcohol or drugs, about where to call if a woman is suffering violence at home, or even about series that involve discovering who murder somebody. This all advertisings will affect the children's brain and maybe when they grow up they could have more chances to be aggressive with their wife, to drink and drive after or to murder somebody.  
  
For those reasons, I think that television advertising should be prohibited for children from two to five years old. Their subconscious could absorb bad messages and that could affect in their behavior at school, university and life in general.
Your essay needs to lower its discussion. It is too morbid for a topic that simply asked if you agree that advertising directed at children age 2-5 should not be allowed. Your reasons are not related to childhood understanding. You are discussing this as if the children have already become adults. That is not the scenario presented in the essay. Advertising directed at children are shown at a specific time, when children are watching. Adult commercials are shown during prime time, or when only adults are watching.  
  
The discussion for this essay should have focused on simpler considerations. The simpler considerations are how children could ask parents to buy toys, clothes, and other accessories their parents cannot afford, children could see the financial discrepancy in their lives when there are things like kiddie vacations being advertised that their parents cannot bankroll, simpler stuff related to the whims and caprices of kids. Nobody needs to be discussed in a violent form in your discussion. It really threw the essay off the mark. Stick to the effect on the child, not the future effect on the the adult who was a child.
Hi i am preparing for the IELTS exam and while under lockdown due to the Corona virus, I have decided to improve my poor writing skills. I hope you guys can help me check any necessary improvement, and if you have time could you evaluate which band this essay might get. Thank you and have good day!  
  
## Which environmental problem needs immediate attention?

  
  
Topic 2: Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems.  
  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
The world we living in is witnessing some serious environmental problems. It has existed thousands of years and now due to our excessive exploitation on nature, those problems seem to upsurge over time. There are some people believe that extinction of plants and animals is now the most pressing issue, while some others think that there are multiple environment issues that should be concerned about. It is important that I discuss both points of view in order to present my assessment of this topic.  
  
It is clearly that, in a decade lately we have loss many plants and creatures due to poaching and hunting which leads to numerous consequences. Firstly, the biological balance will be damaged, one specie goes into extinct can create threads to others if their gone could cause loss of food sources for animals relying on them. Secondly, not just animals from the wild affected by the disappearance of particular kind of creatures or plants but also humans. We share the same ecosystem with them so our quality of life and our survival linked to their existence.  
  
Despite that disturbing fact, we have to admit that loss of biodiversity is not the biggest problem we are facing with. There are many other problems: air pollution, shortage of clean water, global warming, extreme weather, etc which are directly affecting our life in a negative way. Many diseases appear, kill million people every years and slow the global economy. Human struggle with bad health conditions especially respiratory problems because of the poor quality of air we are breathing.  
  
It is my contention that each problem has its own importance, we should not emphasis on one particular one but the whole situation confronting us and have proper solutions. Governments around the world and every citizen should act right now in order to protect and preserve what the mother nature gave us and improve our quality of life.
In your first sentence,  
"The world we living"  
you forgot to write 'are'.  
In your third sentence,  
"There are some people believe"  
you forgot 'who'.  
In your fifth line, should be 'environmental.  
In the second paragraph first line,  
"loss" should be 'lost'.  
Second paragraph third line,  
It should be,  
' one specie goes into extinction can create threats to ... could cause loss of food ...'  
Here you forgot 'are'  
"not just animals from the wild affected".  
Here also you forgot 'are'  
"and our survival linked".  
This sentence should be,  
'Many diseases appear, killing millions of people every year and slowing the global economy.'  
  
I hope this will help.
There is a simple rule of thumb for passing the task 2 essay. Keep it short. Avoid over writing. Writing between 275-290 has been found by most exam takers to be the perfect number of words to write if you want to pass the test. These are the magic numbers that will assure you of enough editing time during the 40 minute test. Remember, it is not the word count that will ensure a high score, it is the editing time you use in perfecting the presentation that will do that.  
  
You must familiarize yourself with verb forms. The following is an example of your incorrect verb presentation with a correction applied:  
  
The world we living in is... - The world we ARE living in..  
Reason: We is a plural pronoun so are must be used as the present indicative plural  
  
Noun phrasing:  
... people every years - every YEAR  
Reason: People refers to the plural form of a person. However, every refers to a singular form of the number of days. Hence, year instead of years.  
  
These corrections should be enough to get you started with regards to your grammar issues. Your presentation is good. Your discussion is acceptable to a certain extent. You see, you forgot to write the concluding summary. You used your personal opinion as a concluding statement. Since this is only a 5 paragraph essay, you should follow the format below to meet the presentation requirements:  
  
- Paraphrase with discussion outline  
- Public POV 1  
- Public POV 2  
- Personal opinion  
- Summary recap  
  
This is a better essay that is normally posted here. However, it might not achieve a 5 band score just yet. Remember, you have problematic grammar presentations and an open ended essay presentation (no concluding paragraph). You also under discuss certain paragraphs because you focused more on presenting reasons that properly developing the explanation of the first reason using the 5 sentence format requirement:  
  
- Topic sentence  
- Explanation  
- Example  
- Supporting explanation (optional)  
- Transition sentence  
  
Once you resolve these issues, you should be able to easily achieve a higher than 5 band score. You show that you have the potential to achieve at least a 7 with your next practice essay. I am excited to see if you can actually achieve that.
## foreign language study at schools

  
  
There is common belief that forcing students to study a foreign language should not take place in schools. Although there are many advantages of learning a new language, I believe that children should not be forced to learn a foreign language.  
  
There are two main reason why studying another language have enormous benefits. The first reason is that children can overcome the barrier of language when they study something or they plan to become an oversea student. For example, when children prepare a lesson prior to class, they have to cover a lot of grounds which are usually written by English. Therefore, students who have good English will gain advantages. Furthermore, if children manage to good one foreign language, they will gain a competitive edge in job market in the future. For instance, these days, employers usually require candidates to fluently use a foreign language such as English or Mandarin.  
  
Despite of these advantages I expressed above, I believe that students should not be forced to learn a foreign language at school. The best way to teach language is that teachers should encourage student to learn language. Teachers should tailor their teaching styles in order to the transmission of knowledge be more lively and effective for example, playing videos or organizing game relate to a foreign language. In addition, schools should make students to understand the important of language in their future life, which will give children motivation to study by themselves. For instance, schools should provide students with workshops relating to the important of language in their career, which will help student to see a big picture of the advantages of studying a foreign language.  
  
In conclusion, although learning a new language have significant advantages, I strongly believe that schools should encourage instead of forcing student to learn a foreign language.
I am unable to review your essay for content responsiveness, coherence, and cohesiveness due to the lack of the original prompt statement. It will be difficult for me to give you content advice when it might be wrong as I do not know the instruction parameters. Kindly provide the prompt for your next essay. In the meantime, here is a general grammar review of your work.  
  
You have to limit your work to no more than 290 words, regardless of whether you are taking the pencil or cbt test. Do not focus solely on the number of words you are writing. Make sure instead, that your essay adheres to all the scoring guidelines. That means, you need to allot at least 10 minutes for the review and editing of your work. Something you cannot accomplish if you persist on writing 300++ words for your essay. You will simply run out time to do so.  
  
Grammar accuracy is important in this test. That means you will get a higher score if you limit your grammar range errors. In this essay, you neglected to use a comma even though a conjunction existed in the sentence;  
  
... when they study something , or they plan... ( I added the comma in the presentation).  
  
You should not use comparative forms either if you do not know how to structure the sentence:  
  
more lively and effective = livelier and more effective  
  
You have a problem with the plurality of words. When you say "two main", that connotes a plural form. So the next word, reason, should be in plural form as well (reasons). This will turn the sentence into a formal presentation as opposed to the current: ... two main reason why. There is no need to include "why" in the presentation. It creates a pidgin English presentation.
## Green energy proportion

  
  
The chart below compares the percentage of renewable energy in total energy supply in Australia, Sweden, Iceland and Turkey over the period of 13 years from 1997 to 2010  
  
Overall, this type of energy are consumed more likely in Iceland than all the other of countries concerned. While the proportion of energy in Sweden and Iceland increased, a reverse pattern was seen for the other countries from 1997 to 20210  
  
The figure of renewable energy used in Iceland mirrored the climb rising from almost half out of total energy produced in 1997 to 60% and finishing at 70% in 2000 and 2010 respectively. Meanwhile, a similar trend was seen to proportion of energy in Sweden which doubled, reaching in nearly 10% in 2010.  
  
Regarding Australia, nearly 10% of total energy was from renewable energy in 1997, against around 5% in 2010. The percentage of energy used in Turkey peaked at just over 40%, following by falling into nearly 30%  
  
*
While your essay is over the word count, it has problems with punctuation and grammar presentation that will force the failure of your essay. Your paragraphs are not properly divided into individual sentences. You are producing run-on sentences which affect the understandability of your sentence presentations. Always divide the sentence into one topic per presentation. You may show your GRA skill by piecing together no more than 2 related ideas into one sentence. All paragraphs need 3-5 sentences to meet the paragraph requirements.  
  
You do not use punctuation marks at the end of your paragraph presentations. These indicate open ended sentences and will be considered improperly formatted presentations, further reducing your GRA score. You must use varied punctuation marks throughout the essay. The most commonly used are the period and comma. Better scores can be gained through the proper use of parenthesis, semi-colon, and colon throughout your presentation.  
  
You failed to use word alternatives to show your English vocabulary range. Renewable energy could have also been stated as green energy, recyclable energy, and other similar representations. By not finding an alternative word to use, you also lowered your LR scoring potential.