dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Li, in this instance, you should not have opened the 3rd paragraph by saying "On the other hand". That phrase indicates that you are changing the stance of your discussion to agree with the opposing side of the argument. That is not the case here. You are merely adding supporting information to your discussion so the proper term to open the paragraph with would have been "Aside from the reasons above..." This indicates a continuing discussion or additional information in support of the same stand in a discussion. This would have been an even stronger essay if you had added one or two more sentences to your opening summary / paraphrased discussion and your concluding statement. While those statements were good, the TA and GRA scores would have increased greatly from the current 5 that this essay garnered with this version.
Hi @Neo Lee  
After reading a whole of your essay, I can understand the reason of your agreement toward the prompt. However, I just want to suggest you to append additional sentence just like conclusion in your first body paragraph. It will emphasize your idea after exemplifying. turning into body paragraph two, i am likely to say that "on the other hand" phrase is inappropriate using there because you elucidated continuation of your agreement from body one. In your conclusion section, you may add recommendation or prediction toward the prompt that related to your opinion.  
  
hope it helps ye
**Foreign visitors should pay more than local visitors for culture and historical attractions. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
---  
## more money from tourists

  
  
In recent years, tourism has been receiving a great deal of attention due to substantial impacts on its countries' industry. Although the idea of setting a higher entrance fees for residents than foreign travelers to visit cultural and historical attractions appears reasonable, this cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach.  
  
There are a number of reasons why foreigners should pay higher price to visit historical places. One of the reasons is that those who have financial income to travel overseas are affordable to enter these luxurious forms of entertainment, such as cultural heritages. In other words, if a visitor is wealthy enough to travel internationally, a small gap on the prices will be acceptable. In addition, all of these uniqueness and traditional places should be supported by international society, in case more expensive entrance tickets are paid as their donation. Therefore, by paying more money, international society has been supporting that flourish attractions' preservation.  
  
On the other hand, low ticket prices of these locations are necessary for local people. First, by reducing ticket prices to local residents, there would be more motivation for them to visit cultural and historical sites. For example, since many museums and historical landmarks in Japan are free for locals, places like Tokyo tower attract mostly local people. Second, since locals do not have to pay fees as much as foreigners to visit traditional places, their lives would be improved thanks to the saving cost. Furthermore, by getting money saved from costing low fees for natives, governments will obtain the opportunity to fix those traditional sites' flaws and make it perfected.  
  
In conclusion, receiving more money from foreign tourists who visit historical and cultural attractions can have several advantages. The government should take steps to increase the budget on the maintenence of historic sites.
Hi Duy,  
  
The opening and closing seems a bit off.  
  
Opening:  
  
*Although the idea (...), this cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach.*  
  
This can be assumed that you are not supporting residents to be charged higher than foreigner but it also doesn't imply that foreigner should charged more than the residents too.  
  
Closing:  
  
*The government should take steps to increase ...* This last sentence can lead to discussion for another topic that doesn't need to be include in this essay at all. Instead you can wrap it up with a few points from second and third paragraph.  
  
Other than those, I think the rest is conform to the essay prompt. :)
Hai @hausofduy  
  
You need to state your posititon clearly in your introduction whether you agree or disagree. Then, you have to write at least 3 sentences in the first paragraph (introduction) in order to gain higher score in IELTS writing.  
  
In your second paragraph, it is better if you put an example to support your previous statement.  
  
Last but not the least, a conclusion in IELTS Writing Task 2 is the paraphrase from your thesis statement. While, it seems that your thesis statement and your conclusion are not related to each other. You tend to write a new idea in your conclusion which is not allowed in the conclusion of writing task 2.  
  
I hope it can be helpful. Thanks
***Hy Duy**, I have read yours closely and found some needing a few improvements.  
  
Firstly, you should analyze the questions given before you begin writing. Honestly, you have missed one of essential points. You have not shown your position clearly in the thesis statement in the introductory paragraph although it can give an examiner a description about your opinion in the body paragraph. Besides that, if you wanna get a higher score, you are supposed to impress the examiner in the first paragraph.  
  
Turning to the body paragraph, your second reasons in the first body is less strong. You have needed a supporting sentence to strengthen your view. Giving an example can become a way to support your perspective, but that has to relate to the reason.However, you have fallen another topic in the second body. Be careful of traps of the prompts. Therefore, you should underline keywords from the given statement. In the second body, you concentrate on reviewing benefits of the low ticket for local citizen although we have to focus on the International visitors. I admit that it is tricky, but you can avoid that if you wanna analyze more.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you to improve your essay. Practice again and again if you wanna master this.  
GOOD LUCK*
Duy, you would get a very disturbing score of 3 for this essay. The reason that you failed to pass this practice test stems from the fact that you did not follow the prompt instructions for the discussion. There is a lack of position on your part regarding an agreement or disagreement with the statement. You were supposed to pick one side of the argument and defend your stance within your discussion using clear evidence from either popularly known reasons or personal experiences. What you chose to do was discuss the reasons why the government should charge higher fees for foreign travelers to visit the cultural sites instead. That is in direct contradiction with the instruction that asks you to (1) agree or disagree with the statement that foreign visitors should pay more to visit these sites and then (2) explain why you have taken this stance. You were not supposed to to a comparative essay as you would in a task 1 essay. Due to the wrong discussion approach, you failed the tests.
@hello123098  
I hope this would help.  
  
Actually you've made the main ideas for each paragraph. All you need to do is linking them one to each other.  
You can try the cause-effect method to do that.  
e.g. A will result B, B will result C, etc.  
During the process you can add additional information to your idea.  
Use your sense as **a reader, not writer** to make your paragraph run on the track.
Neha, you have all of the required elements of a research paper, not a news article. The reason I said that is because the outline of your information is more historical than current events in feel. So the first thing you have to ask yourself when you start to format your information is "What do I want to say with this article?" Develop the theme or purpose of the article first. After you know what it is you want to accomplish with the article, go through your list of information and pick out the bullet points that best apply to your chosen topic. Then, slowly expand the article from there. Expand it by creating a list of questions that you want to respond to in your article. Focus on the relevant content and then create a detailed explanation of the information using first hand information from your sources. Will this article be solely based on research? If so, then you will have to use citations for your information in the article. Unless your editor wants you to use interview quotes in your article. Consider the instructions you were given for the writing of the news article such as number of sources, if you require actual interviews to represent first hand accounts, and your word limit among other things. Once you have a better idea of how you are expected to develop the article, content - wise, you should be able to create a paragraph form draft of the news article for review and editing.
@bagusetyawan @Holt  
Hi. I have revised the article.I'd really appreciate your feedback.  
  
"Gaddafi stadium echoed with the chants of "Pakistan Zindabad! Pakistan Zindabad! ", travelledAs the long-awaited second edition of Pakistan's most prestigious Twenty20 tournament, Pakistan Super League was finally held on 5 March 2017 in Lahore, Pakistan.  
  
Lahore wore a festive look. The excitement was in the air. Roads were lit up with green and white lights. Colorful banners were put up welcoming the cricketers. Frantic fans, clad in the colors of their favorite traveled from all over the country to watch the largest cricket game staged in Pakistan after 8 years.  
  
5th march 2009 marked the end of international cricket in Pakistan. This was a day when the Sri Lankan team was attacked. Causing 7 deaths and leaving more than 20 people injured. Following the attack, serious questions were raised about the security provided by the country to the players. Therefore, as the authorities worked to bring cricket back to Pakistan they had to take extraordinary measures and ensure the safety of players. Hence, the 'five-tier' security plan was announced.  
  
Five layers of security had been established at the stadium. The stadium had been literally sealed off with shipping containers, barriers and barbed wires. More than 50,000 policemen were on duty. Emergency medical technicians, firefighters, and rescuers along with 21 ambulances, 12 fire vehicles, and 4 rescue vans were also present at the venue. The army was on call and the helicopter provided by the federal government was used for aerial surveillance.  
  
The success of this event was very important for Pakistanis. For Pakistan, this match was about more than just cricket. This match proved that Pakistan had won the war against terrorism. It showed that Pakistanis are not afraid of anyone. They are determined to restore their respect in the world. And they are willing to overcome any hurdle that comes in their way. Hence, the success of this match was widely celebrated. Slogans like "Passion for cricket conquers fear"," hitting terror with bat"," terror cleaned bowled" were used to emphasize the victory of Pakistan.  
  
Due to the recent events in the country, Pakistanis have been divided lately. But Cricket is one of those things that unite Pakistan. This game has always brought people together. This game has an appeal that gets people out of their homes, on streets, in cafes, in grounds, to gather and enjoy the game together. Therefore, this event played a crucial part in uniting the people. According to some people, PSL was a blessing in disguise. It brought happiness to the lives of many people and united the people in ways they didn't even imagine.  
  
Therefore, this day will always have a special place in the hearts of Pakistanis. It will always be remembered as the day Pakistan won the war against terrorism and brought international cricket back to their home after 8years and 2 days. For Pakistanis, this PSL was a sign of victory. It showed that they can find dreams and happiness in cricket. It wouldn't be wrong if I said that in cricket we (Pakistanis) find the meaning of hope.
Neha, provide an overview or summary of the events that led to the brutal terrorist attack on that fateful day. That is an integral part of the report and needs to be represented. Without it, the explanation as to the 5 tier security measure seems silly. There is no reason nor cause given aside from what seems to be a "game riot" instead of a terrorist attack. Clarify the importance of the attack in order to deliver the importance of the first game played in 8 years. Double check your grammar. Dates are always written with the first letter capitalized as that is a proper noun. The article now needs to be edited for content. However, we cannot do that until you have all of the pertinent information presented in the paper. Fill in the history of the attack during the game. Then we can edit the content for length and relevance.
**The diagram shows the changes that have taken place at West Park Secondary School since its construction in 1950.  
  
*Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
## list of changes in the school area

  
  
The pictures present some alterations that had been done at West Park Secondary School from 1950 to 2010. Overall, it can be seen that since its construction, the West Park has changed surrounding the school two times in which the last changes were to enlarge parking area, causing sports field and playground to be narrowed.  
  
In 1980, places beside the school experienced refurbishment to be a part of school's areas. These areas initially stood some houses next to the school. On the opposite side of residence built farmland. However, housing estate was totally altered to be science block in the east, exactly compacted to the school building. In the left side of such building, car park took place and field transformed to be sports area.  
  
In the next three decades, those school facilities got change anymore. There was car park that was broadened where sports field totally moved in front of school building, meaning that playground's area was getting narrow down. (161 words)  
  
*
Nur, you misunderstood the illustrations that you were presented for the summary. The illustration provides information for changes to West Park Secondary School during specific years. It does not cover the years from 1950 - 2010. Therefore, the discussion you presented should have been a descriptive essay that dealt with each year changes provided in the drawing. That would be a paragraph each for 1950, 1980, and 2010. Discussing the changes to the area individually / per year shows a clear understanding of the prompt requirements and would have also offered you an increased TA, GRA, LR, plus C & C score. Without the proper discussion development, I don't think you can score higher than a 4 for this practice test.
## live in a city or in a countryside?

  
  
Some people are fond of a fast-paced life in the city rather than more relaxed pace in the country or vice versa because of many factors. As for me, I prefer living in a city. However, both ways of life has its advantages and disadvantages.  
  
Those who like living in the city believe that it has numerous advantages. Large cities have public transport that chauffeurs people throughout the city, while in the country that kind of transport usually is not provided. Also, city life offers more entertainment, sports, shopping and career opportunities, here people have high incomes. Besides, in cities people are provided with different kinds of services like beauty salon or cars wash. In the contrast, there is no any variety of services in a village.  
  
Other people, who prefer the countries, argue that there are more advantages of living in villages than in cities. Firstly, the village is more environmentally friendly and cozy place. Secondly, people who live in a village feel themselves in safety as the crime rate there is lower than in a city. And finally, people there are friendlier. That is why old people and families who have children often make decisions to live in a rural area.  
  
In conclusion, whether you live in countries or cities, there are merits and drawbacks. Life in a country is quiet and slowly, it is more suitable for children and old people. Others prefer living in a big city, where they can have a large number of opportunities.
Nastya, I believe that you failed to provide another part of the prompt requirements. I am referring to the relevant examples from your personal experience. Since you already mentioned that you leaned towards living in the city, it would have been good for your TA score if you had shared some personal experiences in relation to the reason that you are supporting. While the reasons you provided in the essay are general in presentation, a more personal aspect was required. I know that it is easier to simply bundle in your reasoning with the rest of the essay discussion. However, if you want to get a higher score in the essay, you need to go the extra mile and present some information that comes from your personal side. This shows a clear understanding of the prompt and increases your chances of an increase GRA score as well. This essay though, may not score higher than a 4 due to the missing prompt elements in the essay.
**IELTS TASK 1: Line graph: Average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services**  
  
*This is my first time for doing writing task 1. Please check my mistake and could you tell me how many mark can I score ? Thank you so much*  
  
The graph illustrates comparision between average yearly costs on cell phone and residential phone services from 2001 to 2010. It can be seen from the graph, yearly expenditures on cell phone service steadily decreased during the period while annual costs of residential phone services increased gradually.  
  
In 2001, yearly expenditure on cell phone service stood at approximately 700$ and remained a consistent decrease to around 500$ in 2006. By contrast, residential phone services were spent at over 200$ in 2000 before rising significantly to 550$ by 2006. In 2006, there was a remarkable point when the amount of money for both residential phone and cell phone services equalized.  
  
During 4 years period from 2006 to 2010, there was a considerable opposition between costs of residential phone and cell phone services. In comparision to the amount of money spent for residential phone services, which saw an plummet to over 400$, expenditures on cell phone rose dramatically to a peak of around 750$ at the same time.  
  
166 words  
  
*
Tu, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to tell you that the only possible score for this essay will be a 3 for a number of reasons. The main problem with the essay is that you misunderstood the graph that you were provided to summarize. The green line, represents the residential phone services whose costs plummeted from the hear 2000 to 2010. The cost of the service in 2000 was at under $700 and ended in 2010 at around $400. While the cellphone coverage increased in costing from $200 to over $700 by 2010. You got the information reversed in your essay and because of that, it appears that you did not understand the graph and therefore, did not accurately summarize it in your report. Aside from that, you also failed to identify the type of chart that you were given to analyze. This chart is known as a Line Graph and should have been identified as part of the summary information in your writing. In addition, you also did not identify the source of the information even though it was clearly stated in the illustration you were provided. So those reasons alone tanked your score.
Hai @tuantu1710  
  
It seems that you have organized your essay clearly related to the data provided. Yet, there are several minor problems on your writing. You misspelled "comparision" which is the right word is **comparison** in your first and third paragraph. Misspelling is one of the point related to Lexical Resource on IELTS assessment. You should be careful on that.  
  
I also suggest you to put some additional linking devices in order to increase your point on Coherence and Cohesion (CC).  
  
Thanks.  
I hope it can be helpful.
Hi Tu Nguyen  
I have read your essay and i have notice that you mentioned both data reversely. so, i suggest you to mark the data clearly and correctly before you start to write. In addition, it seems that your writing pattern (paragraph one and two were the same). You may use other pattern such as using and exploring application of language of change or language of comparison of both data. How many gap numbers of both data presented. Also, find other synonym of such words, if you do not, you may use such words in a distance. So that, it does not appear like repetition. You should notice about your grammatical error and misspelling since i found any.  
  
hope it helps you...
@Holt  
Hi Holt !  
Thank you so much for your suggestion ! I will try hard more and do hope to be given more your suggestion next times :))  
  
To Waria : Thanks for your help ! It is very helpful to me.  
Hoping to work with you in next times  
Many thanks  
  
To Yuuki : Thanks for your meaning advise ! I have to enlarge my synonym as you said !  
Thank you and have a nice day !
**Successful sport professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## How much money for a sport star?

  
  
People have different views about wether people who reach the highest level in any sports could have a higher earnings. While others in some ways argue that it is unfair for people who work in other significant professions. I personally believe that it is fully acceptable if sport professionals get more salaries than average income in society.  
  
There are various reasons why it might be considered that people in other important careers deserve more wages. For instance, there are doctor and scientist who have big and important role in society. They have reliable ability and give huge contribution to others, it is something that athlete can't do. The learning process which bring them to be who they are now is not cheap, hence they should be well-paid of what they give to public.  
  
However, I agree with those who argue that people who are success in any sport professions to get high salaries. These are the reasons. Firstly, a sport professional has proven their ability in sport championship. It could bring the country where the athletes come to the higher level if they join international events. Secondly, a sport team is definitely need more funding for the training, some sport equipments, routin medical check-up, and also highly needed in nutritional food intake. In addition, sport activity seems have more serious risk if the athletes got any accidents. Therefore, they need much insurance to keep them in a guarantee condition.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that any professions should be awarded by appropriate wages. Then, for sport professionals, I agree that they are deserve more money on account of what they do and what they need.
hi @nuradiapuspa  
  
Firstly, in academic writing like IELTS writing task one and two, you should avoid using contraction either in your sentences or paragraphs  
  
something that athlete can't do  
Then, in first paragraph, after mentioning your topic sentences, you directly develop an example. Obviously, it should be better to mention a supporting idea first then exemplify it by an evidence such as your given example. So that your first paragraph also will get stronger. It seems also that there is a misspelling word routin >> routine.