dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@rivathh  
Dear,  
  
First of all, your first and last paragraph are lacking of contents.  
For the first paragraph, u can cite some examples about the changings that tech may bring to introduce your essay.  
As for the last paragraph, u can briefly conclude contents in the second and third paragraphs.  
Grammatically, there's an error at the beginning of the third paragraph: *Despite of the benefits of ...* It should be whether using **"despite"** or **"in spite of"** instead of **"Despite of"**. Also, I think u can add some conjunctions to make your essay more fluent.  
  
And, in the third sentence of third paragraph: *... to be shy and uneasy when associating...* I think "uneasy" can be crossed out.*... people put ~~to~~**too** much time ...*.  
  
*On the other hand, fraud is easier to ... asymmetry online.*, I don't understand what u tryna explain...  
*Especially for teenagers ... on those apps.* I think it may be more fluent to change into "It is dangeours for teenagers, especially for those who can't identify the accuracy of information, expose in those apps."  
  
Best wishes and keep praciticing!!!
@rivathh  
Hi there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. Let me provide you with feedback on your writing.  
  
While I appreciate that you tried to incorporate complexity of structure in your writing, try to focus more on adding dynamism in your writing by playing around with the form and length.  
  
Furthermore, try to also add concrete examples.  
  
Being descriptive does not mean that you should have unnecessary commentaries in your writing. What this pertains to more is the general flow of your writing. Try to have a more organic approach to writing than a forced academic tone. The former definitely has more impact than the latter.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## organising the olympics

  
  
**Holding Olympic Games is an exciting event. Some people think it has positive effects while others argue that it is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
That whether a country should host the Olympic Games has aroused a considerable controversy. While some people deem that it could bring enormous advantages, others assume that the nation would squander a substantial amount of money on it. In my opinion, I partly agree with the former statement.  
  
On the one hand, there are some justifications why a handful of people contend that being the host nation is a waste of money. This is because the country have to squander a host of money on constructing the state-of-the-art facilities for Olympic Games. If the national government is unable to compensate for its crushing financial loss, the country will be burdened with enormous debts. For example, in 2004, the starry-eyed government of Greek spent huge amount of money investing on up-to-date facility without considering its long-term use, resulting in its debt crisis for over two decades.  
  
On the other hand, it should not be forgotten that organizing Olympic Games could exert profound effects on the host nation's economy. It is because the country cost nothing to be its image to the world during the time the Olympic Games takes place. This led to the rapid development of tourism as well as other pieces of work relating to this special event. For instance, the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona produced 88.7 percent of the city's decrease in unemployment.  
  
In conclusion, despite the fact that the country could suffer from financial damages, being the host of the Olympic Games would open up ample opportunities to stimulate its economic growth.  
  
**Thank you for reading my essay. Please tell me if there're any problems with it.**  
From mod: One more useless post = ban.
@bubbles117  
Hello.  
  
Change around the beginning/ introductory portion of your writing. I've noticed how you still need to work on having a more academic or formal tone to help you explain things in more vivid detail.  
  
Furthermore, notice how you can improve the overall structure of your sentences through cutting down the words and creating smaller chunks of texts. Focus on having a structured written approach in opposition to a more loose formatting. Organization is key at the end in order to help you relay meaning effectively.  
  
It is appreciated how you were able to make concrete your thoughts with examples. Keep doing that and ensure alongside that the structure is put-together and you'll do great.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## additional learning classes at school

  
  
**Nowadays children are joining extra coaching classes apart from the school studies. Some think it is important for their future, others think the extra time should be spent playing. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
It is undeniable that the increase in the number of pupils taking extra classes except outside school hours is one of the most challenging issue in education. While some people deem that after-school lessons are vital for students' future, others assume that after-school hours should be utilized in leisure activities. In my opinion, I am in complete agreement with the latter statement.  
  
On the one hand, taking extra learning classes is trivial and has a number of dire drawbacks to pupils . Children spend the bulk of their time at school learning to acquire comprehensive knowledge of subjects required for their examinations. If they continue studying for long periods of time, they will suffer intolerable stress because of information overload. For example, a recent study by Melbourne University showed that students who study more than 14 hours a day often contract severe illnesses relating to physical and metal ones.  
  
On the other hand, that pupils utilize their after-school hours in enjoyable activities can have a host of profound merits. It is because when they socialize with their buddies, they would build social skills as well as learn to handle their emotions through relationships with their peers. Moreover, time spent outdoors and away from screens would be good for children as it refrain them from technology devices' negative effects. Numerous studies have consistently found that 75% of students spending a long time outsides don't face with increased vision problem.  
  
In conclusion, children should be inspired to do more entertaining activities after-school time since they enable pupils to develop the full potential and the rise in taking extra private lessons should be reduced on account of its disadvantages to students' mental heath.
@bubbles117  
Hi there!  
  
I think that, in hindsight, your writing is quite put-together. I would suggest incorporating more terms that will help you escalate your writing. Try to also focus more on simpler structured sentences as opposed to writing complex and yet insubstantial content. Prioritizing is therefore key to great writing.  
  
Furthermore, it will also be helpful to add more real-life worldly examples as opposed to a general influx of writing. Try to create a backbone for the argumentd of your writing by adding more definitive content.  
  
Aside from these, I find that your essay is already quite put-together. Try to just learn how to maximize the writing space more.  
  
Best of luck as always.
improvement in the science, electronics  
  
Hi! Thanks for reading! I really want to score IELTS Writing 6.5. Everyone helps me to achieve my goal! Many thanks and appreciates  
  
**EARLY TECHONOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS BROUGHT MORE BENEFITS AND CHANGES TO THE LIVES OF ORDINARY PEOPLE THAN RECENT TECHONOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION?**  
  
There is a hot discussion between early and recent technological developments, which will bring more advantages to people. Everybody has their own thinkings. In my opinion, they all give benefits from their styles and make life more comfortable and convenient.  
  
As for the early technological developments, it built a big step to change the world from the agricultural era to industrial time. That leads to the birth of many manufactories, machines and devices, which helps human in work. For example, the born of the farming machine, the farmers, in the past, waste many time to harvest plants on the big fields, leading to the quantity of product is low. So the farming machines are manufactured to save time and increase the quality and quantity of results. The farmer's lives are more developed. Moreover, the plane is the most significant creation of human, heavy materials can be carried and transferred to a long distance. Not only that but also reduce time to go abroad. Furthermore, the born of the motor turbine, telephone, electricity and artificial light (lightbulbs) also brings benefits to people. Hence, the old developments are seen as the wings between two periods of era.  
  
Regarding the recent technological developments, it establishes a new perception of the human being. New machines come out not only be used but also be fashion. For example, iPhone was created in 2007 by Steve Jobs, the very first smartphone with touch screen and one button, which is like a boom in handheld gadget development and every people always want to have one. At this time, iPhone is now becoming a piece of luxurious jewelry and bring respect from others to ownership. Following with iPhone, it is the internet. This is a digital good can connect people internationally without caring for geographical distance and bring the in-time updated news from over the world to your home. Nowadays, the industry 4.0 target to the automatical era with artificial intelligence to make life easier and happier.  
  
In conclusion, both early and recent development have their own benefits but they still give human comfort and convenience. Additionally, the life style will be improved to be better with modern devices.  
  
**Thanks for reading again. I need your feedback to improve my skill. Thank you very much**
@hoanghuuhuan248  
Hi there!  
  
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the feedback you're looking for here. I'll try my best to help you.  
  
Firstly, for the first paragraph of the body, you need to work on the structure and flow. Try to take it step by step with simplified structures over attempting to overcomplicate the dynamics of the content. Doing this will help you curate more structure and flow in your writing.  
  
The third paragraphs first sentence is quite off-putting. Revise it and use a simpler overall tone.  
  
Try to also evade using vague adjectives when describing.  
  
What do you mean by AI making life happier and easier? Use synonymous terms that are packed with more meaning.  
  
Best of luck.
## many animals in danger of extinction

  
  
In recent times, the increasing quantity of species coming almost to the brink of extinction or being endangered has been an aching problem in many societies. This essay will give an insight into the reasons for this issue and several actions could be taken to mitigate that.  
  
There are certain number of factors contributing to the ever-increasing extinction rate, two noticeable ones that could be considered are the habitat loss and poaching activities. It is an actual fact that the mass destruction of forests by humans, which serves to increase space for cultivation and develop urban infrastructure, has really posed a threat to wildlife's habitat; leading many animals to lose their natural home. This is not to mention that environmental degradation has been also resulted in the species' loss of habitations, for example, it is reported that climate change and global warming have caused a drastic reduction in the number of Alaska polar bears as ice, their shelter, is melting due to the increasing temperature of the Earth. The another culprit for the alarming rate of extinction could be identified as illegal wildlife trade and poaching in many nations, which benefits people in fashion and pharmaceutical industry. Human beings' Illegal hunting crocodiles for skin, used to make luxurious fashion items, is a case in point.  
  
However, there are various steps that the governments could take to alleviate that problem. Adopting policies to ban on deforesting and trading and poaching wildlife illegally must be high on the agenda of the governments all over the world. Keneya, an African country in which an overwhelming proportion of animals under threat of extinction, has cracked down on crime related to poaching cases by using heavy weapons such as armoured fighting vehicles to capture offenders. Last but not the least, it is crucial that the authorities and environmental organizations establish several conservation areas. By doing so, there will be more wildlife sanctuaries for rare animals, which would not only preserve species and genetic diversity but also protect them against poachers, thus preventing them from total disappearances.  
  
To recapitulate, mass deforestation and poaching are the two primary causes of species in danger of extinction. It is suggested that the governments impose stricted bans on wildlife damage and establish protected areas for rare animals.  
  
(This is my answer for IELTS writing task 2. Pls leave your comment and give me my band score for that essay. Thanks a lot!)
Hello! I see some wording mistakes:  
"There are ~~certain~~ **a** number of factors"  
"~~The~~ another culprit"  
"It is **a** ~~actual~~ fact"  
"illegal wildlife trade"  
"to ban ~~on~~ deforesting"  
"Last but not ~~the~~ least"  
"impose ~~stricted bans~~ **strict prohibition** on wildlife damage"  
  
In this phrase this is an active verb, not passive:  
"environmental degradation has been also resulted in the species' loss of habitations"  
  
"Coming almost to the brink of extinction" and "being endangered" are of the same meaning, so just use one of them.  
  
With better wording and your abundant vocabulary, this essay is sure to get a band of 7.0 or even higher. Keep trying! Hope you get the best from my advice!
@totrangto  
Hello.  
  
I see that you're new to the forum. Welcome! I'll provide you with writing feedback.  
  
I find that you have used quite laborious language. I would recommend toningnit down a little bit to add more of a structured and dynamic approach wherein you do not necessarily only have chunks of lengthy texts.  
  
Remember also that depth is more important. Therefore, adding more concrete examples will help you curate substantive content.  
  
You should also be cautious of the structure and grammatical appropriateness of your writing. Always refer back to your English reference materials. Observe the last half of the essay.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## NEW LANGUAGES OR NOT?

  
  
*Topic: Many people disagree with a school policy which forces children to learn new language. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
The issue whether government should encourage students to learn more and more different languages still remains debatable. Some people claim that learning languages is unnecessary and time-wasted. While skeptics hold the belief that studying new languages is the foundation for the later future. While learning languages brings children lots of benefits, I believe that such a policy should not be made compulsory.  
  
On the one hand, the habit of studying new languages has positive effects on students' school-life. These days, learning language is becoming similiar to humans, which derives from the merging of both oriental and western idea. Therefore, a variety of language curriculums have been given to meet the demands of humans, especially Vietnamese parents' students. The academic managers may find a series of benefits for this phenomenon. With the labour market becoming increasingly competitive, studying new language such as English plays a crucial role on pursuing a sense of job security. Having a international certificate in language, people may find far from difficult to apply for studying abroad with scholarships or have the best job prospects. There are thousands of companies requires a language international qualification, which results in having paid higher salary than people who don't have one.  
  
On the other hand, I would argue that students should not be forced to learn a new language that they don't genuinely need. This is a particularly case for those who don't have the aim to study abroad or work in a international office. It has never been easy for students to get used to learning a new language which they don't see the point of doing it. With students having no hunger for learning a new language, they would soon become bored and distract from their learning purposes. Students should be given the choices for learning new language or not. There is no need to force children do what they don't want to do. A so-called society is the one to respect the young's voices.  
  
All things considered, I strongly believe that new language should not become a compulsory subject. Only by pursuing their favorite subjects, can students form their educational perspective comprehensively.  
  
THANK YOU A LOT FOR SPENDING TIME ON READING  
*If there are any mistakes of grammar, ideas, vocabulary in my essay. Please do not hesitate to tell  
I'm glad to hear you feedbacks!*
@wyzbui  
Hi there!  
  
Here's some feedback on your writing.  
  
Firstly, you have unnecessarily long sentences that take up irrelevant space that could be allocated to add more depth. instead of using so many fillers, focus on incoporating more examples to your writing. Don't just mention vague concepts and stories. Try to actualize the concepts by using more descriptive words to allocate meaning to your writing. Bear this in mind.  
  
Furthermore, your general grammar can be improved if you focus more on adding terms that have structure. Focus on incorporating organized thoughts as opposed to merely filling in space for your writing.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## what brings the extended life expectancy of human?

  
  
**One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
With scientific methods being renewed and medical facilities being modernized, medical researchers possess more and more resources on combating deadly diseases and setting up efficient preventions for our bodies which, for sure, benefit in increasing human beings' life expectancy. However, it also brings both positive and negative effects on our society.  
  
To begin with, with the expansion of life expectancy, people are able to do several things with no time limitation. To cite, firstly, people have chances of spending more time with family, friends and spouses. Secondly, time restriction won't ever be an obstacle for people who desire to pursue their dreams, like traveling to various nations to experience the diversity of human civilization in person. Thirdly, the elderly own more life skills and experiences which can share them with the coming generation. Expanding lifespan even brings a huge advantage for those experts, such as physicists and biologists, who discover a groundbreaking theory in their late ages. Thanks to the enhanced medical research and treatment, those scientists will be capable of writing and sharing their theory and even educating their apprentices on their own in no hurries. Extensively, it may speed up scientific development significantly.  
  
Despite these advantages, there are still a few drawbacks of extending lifespan that may affect our society negatively. The population of elder-ages will definitely increase dramatically which has a high possibility to influence the economy. Take Japan as a typical example, due to its aging society, the authority is now facing with serial economics and medical problems including the lacking of young labors, the payment of pension, and the complete system of long-term care.  
  
In conclusion, it's clear that extending life expectancy brings plenty of benefits in many aspects for both youngsters and governments. In my point of view, thus, I believe that increasing life expectancy has more merits than disadvantages.
@Katherine\_Tu1101  
Hi there!  
  
I'll provide you with feedback on your writing.  
  
First and foremost, the structure of the sentences can be improved through omitting unnecessary extension words that do not add value to your writing. If you can simplify the length of your content, the better it would be overall for your writing. If you can separate long thoughts into smaller chunks, the better it would be also for you as you can explain more without the meaning getting lost in translation. Observe your first paragraph.  
  
In the body paragraphs, try to explain with more of a concrete approach. Explain with detail how these things are applicable rather than idealizing the concepts.  
  
Best of luck!
## *ECONOMIC GROWTH CAN END HUNGER AND POVERTY. HOWEVER, IT DAMAGES THE ENVIRONMENT.*

  
  
**Topic: Some people say that economic growth is the only way to end world poverty and hunger. Others say that economic growth is damaging the environment and should stop .Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
  
Essay:**  
Some people assume that economic development is the sole possible solution to put a stop to starvation and poverty. In contrast, others argue that economic growth is the threat to the environment, thus it must end. In my opinion, the second view is more sensible.  
  
It is true that economic advancement has a positive effect on reducing the rate of hunger and poverty. This growth itself is able to raise common living standards, even for citizens of the lowest class. As a result, poor residents are at least provided with bare necessities, such as food or shelter, to maintain their lives. In addition, economic development means the greater demand for labors, creating thousands of job opportunities. More workers lead to not only the decreased rate of unemployment but also a chance for them to sustain their lives in the rapidly changing economy. A stable source of income reduces crime rates as well, since people will not opt for illegal activities to make ends meet.  
  
On the other hand, while humans benefit from economic enhancement, the environment suffers. As the demand for necessities to maintain life rises, more products and services appear. Consequently, these lead to over exploitation and over consumption of natural resources, leaving them almost unable to recover fast enough to fulfil humans' needs. Besides demanding too mush from nature, mandkind returns too much waste, both industrial and domestic, leaving carbon footprints. Dumping waste improperly results in pollution that harms the flora and fauna, negatively influences the earth's diversity.  
  
In conclusion, mankind development and economic growth have to go hand in hand. However, unsustainable development is the cause of environment degradation and even ineffective to the aim of stopping hunger and poverty in the long term.
@nimbus2k2  
Hi there.  
  
I think that your composition's structure and meaning are both well thought out. I would only suggest that you try to focus more on strategically writing to create more substantive content that will has concise sentences that are packed with meaning. Use techniques that will help you shorten the length of your sentences, helping you relay more meaning with precision.  
  
If you are writing, it also pays to be more specific with your words. Try to ditch the filler words or phrases that introduce grander concepts - instead, go straight to the point when you are writing. Remember that these filler words do not do anything but take up unnecessary space in your writing.  
  
Best of luck.