dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## The proportion of overweight children

  
  
Children have many problems that every parents always concern about, one of which is the rising by 20% of children being overweight in serveral countries in the last 10 years. This essay will first analyse the reasons lead to this trend, followed by the consequences it brings.  
  
Oviously, children become overweight when the energy they take in is greater than the one they take out. There are two main factors of this problem. First of all, by maintaining diet rich in energy and fat, many children become overweight. Fast food, for instance, is one of their favorite dishes at breakfast or when they come back home from school. The other reason is low levels of physical active and exercise. For example, it is easier to see boys and girls being in internet cafe to play video game or acess to social networking services than ones running or playing sports in a park.  
  
Overweight children can face many dangers. They may feel difference from other children, which can affect their confidence. They can also be subjected by bullying from other children. Additionaly, in spite of being less common in their health problems in childhood, children who countinue to be overweight into adulthood are at great risk for many serious diseases such as high blood fats, heart disease, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke and so on.  
  
The proportion of children with overweight status is rising remarkably caused by the unhealthy diet and exercise, resulting in bad impact on not only mental health but also physical health.
A word of advice, try to avoid using long sentences in the prompt paraphrase. Since you are first gauged on your TA, LR, and GRA score through your presentation in this paragraph, it would be best to show your best abilities at this point. That means, writing 5 complete sentences that show off your skills. For the paraphrase you could offer the following:  
  
- A description of the discussion topic (obesity as a concern among adolescents)  
- The reason parents are worried ( 20 percent rise in obesity rates)  
- One reason that you think causes the problem  
- One result of this problem  
- Transition sentence  
  
I would have presented something like:  
  
*Obesity among young people is seen as being on the rise. With a twenty percent increase in the childhood obesity range, it is understandable why parents would be concerned about the health of their children. One reason that obesity is going out of control is the easy access to food supplies that children have. The ease of food access has caused children to make children overeat. It is time we had a serious look at these two related discussion points.*  
  
Note that I did not say "In this essay, I will..." because the discussion topics that will be forthcoming have already been spelled out. The examiner already knows you are writing an essay, there is no need to remind him of that. Just get to the point. You only have 40 minutes for the task. By outlining your discussion, you will also have a constant reminder of what you have to discuss, preventing you from going off topic or over discussing the content of the essay.  
  
The format above also helps you to think of a related problem and result. In your current discussion, you are not really creating a cohesive essay because the topics are too numerous to relate with one another. Related topics could be:  
  
*Reason: Children who have easy access to food through food delivery services tend to spend more of their time eating unhealthy food that results in weight gain.  
  
Result: Heavyset children do not like to move very much because of the physical weight they carry. That is why they do not want to exercise. These lead to health problems such as ...*  
  
Basically, you have to present a clear singular cause and a clearly explained effect. Looking at the example above, you should see exactly what I mean:  
  
*Cause: Easy access to food  
Effect: Weight gain and lack of exercise leading to health problems*  
  
These 2 related discussion topics will create a coherent and cohesive essay because of the common relationship between the two. That is what the examiner will see and these will be the reasons why your TA and C&C scores will be boosted to the point where your other errors may not be able to prevent you from passing the essay test. One topic for each discussion factor is all you need. Provided you explain yourself clearly in the essay.
## Goods transported in the UK

  
  
the given line graph compares the amount og good transported ny road,water, rail and pipeline in the uk during 1974 to 2002.  
Overall ,the highest quantities of good was shipped via road whereas pipeline remained tge least commonly used mode of transportation .  
As can be seen from the line the graph,70 milion tonnez of commodities were transported by road in 1974 and this quantities increased to about 97 milion tonnez at the end of period (2002),while pipeline started with 1 milion tonnes of goods in 1974.This figure rose 20 milion tonnes of good were delivered in the year 2002.  
  
According to the given line graph,Rail and water transported 40 milion tonnes of commodies in 1974 and this quantity had some changes .In details,the amount of goods were shipped via water went up about 62 milion tonnes in 2002 while rail still mantained the same figure of the year 1974 (40 milion tonnes) before had the decrease from 1986 to 1994 (35 milion tonnes of goods)  
  
In conclusion,road transportation and water transportation carried more quantities than 2 transportation left
This may be your first time writing a report because there are lots of mistakes.  
" during 1974 to 2002". Totally wrong phrase. It could be "during a 28-year period from 1974 to 2002"  
You should use more adverb to indicate inaccurate number like "approximately, around, nearly"  
Like this sentence "around 70 million tonnes of ..."  
The conclusion is not necessary and you should learn more how to write task 1 IELTS.  
  
The biggest problem is that you don't split up sentences, leading to a mess in both paragraphs. You should fix in this way  
  
"As can be seen from the line... Meanwhile, pipeline started with ..."  
  
".In detail,the amount of goods ... Besides, rail still maintained ..."  
  
You should check your spelling before submitting or no one will give you feedback. At some point, I think you are writing another language.  
  
*
You did not provide the image for this essay so I cannot review it based on the relevance of your writing to the prompt requirements. I will be reviewing your essay for several grammar issues instead which will definitely lead to a non-passing score for this essay, even though you wrote 179 words in it. It is never the length that will dictate the passing score. Writing the bare minimum can result in a band score of 5. Overwriting, but not really paying attention to details, always results in a failing test score.  
  
Spelling errors:  
og-go  
ny= by  
tge- the  
  
Capitalization errors:  
uk = UK  
  
You have made so many spelling errors that I cannot correct all 28 of them in this review. You did not even bother to try and spell properly, nor check your spelling. Are you sure you want to pass this test? All your errors were simply caused by mistyping. In the real world, you can correct the errors. At the testing center, your errors can also be corrected provided you take the time to do so. These errors alone will be enough to get you the lowest failing score in the overall consideration. I haven't even begun to check your GRA and LR related errors at this point and I can already tell that this is a non-passing essay.
## Music creates shared experience between people

  
  
**Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
Please help me know what I should improve and what the band I can get from this essay  
  
It is often said that music has a power way to unite people, regardless of their cultural backgrounds and ages. I completely agree with this view and will give my reasons below.  
  
Music has a high value which is entrenched in cultures in community around the world. Perhaps the best example would be Kpop trend. Everyone hadn't known much about Korea and its culture since Kpop became more popular. Kpop fans who live in some countries not only will find more information to understand their idols' life and culture but also network with foreign fans. They will be excited to share their feelings, their thoughts to every people, regardless of cultures and by that way, people who have the same idol will understand each other more and more. Beside the popularity of Kpop, US and UK music is other connection chance for people who live in the rest of the world.  
  
Just as it transcend cultures, music has the ability to link people together from different generations. We can all enjoy a strong rhythm or a beautiful song and the best songs seem to have the same magical effect on us. This would explain why grandparents can dance and sing with their grandsons or granddaughters while listening to their both favourite melody. Furthermore, there are some messages in the song to encourage in strengthening a family relationship. For instance, in the Baby shark song, it has only few repeat sentences but still naturally comes in our heart and brings families together.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that music is unique in its capacity to create shared experience between people, irrespective of culture and age.
Your opening paragraph is not enough of a paraphrase for the examiner to see this as a properly developed restatement of the original prompt. It is still too similar to the original presentation. It is almost a word for word translation, rather than an explanation of the given topic. The explanation you give, is what will constitute your paraphrasing of the topic. You also should have indicated, after your degree of agreement with the topic, the 2 reasons that will be supporting your opinion. These will appear as the discussion outline for the direct opinion essay. It has to be indicated because it is referred to in the prompt.  
  
The paraphrase section needs to have at least 3 sentences, or 5 at the most. You only wrote 2 sentences because your first sentence is a run-on. It is just an extremely long single sentence that should have been broken down into 2 more sentences. The same problem exists in your concluding paragraph. There is no clear discussion summary / paraphrase represented. It should contain the same sentence count at the prompt paraphrase (5 sentences maximum) and should repeat your opinion, reasons, and include a closing sentence. A single sentence is never considered a concluding paragraph. It is because of these problems that your TA scores will be affected negatively.  
  
Spelling errors:  
Kpop K-Pop  
  
Grammar problems:  
Failure to use a comma after a conjunction (rhythm**,** or a beautiful song...)  
Noun phrase disagreement - both their favourite melody = ... favourite melodies  
Do not use word of uncertainty in an opinion paper. It is either you are sure of your statement or not. There is no maybe or perhaps in the presentation.  
  
Do not use contractions in a formal essay. Always use the two word presentation system (e.g. don't = do not)  
  
Being your first essay, you can see that you have several errors that will greatly affect your score and prevent you from passing. It would be better if I hold off on scoring your work until your second or third essay, when you should have shown enough improvement for me to judge if you can pass the test or not.  
  
(WARNING! STUDENT SCORING = SUSPENSION!)
## More countries are now opening their doors to foreign visitors.Disadvantages and avantages?

  
  
In modern life, the idea of taking an international tour is affordable to virtually everyone, which makes many countries open their border for foreign tourists. While there are some advantages of this trend, I believe that the drawbacks may outweigh these advantages.  
  
On the one hand, there are some undeniable advantages of international tourism due to its economic feature. Obviously, tourists are stimulated to broaden their horizons/explore places in foreign countries with an affordable budget. They can book a package holiday in advance and arrange their own tour, only with a reasonable budget for facilities including hotel, vehicles and entrance tickets. As a result, people with limited incomes have an opportunity to explore destinations which in the past only rich people can visit. Moreover, it is now available for visitors to pay for whole family trips to foreign countries, which is once a privilege of wealthy households.  
  
On the other hand, the negative impacts may result in serious issues for many countries. First, international tourisms unfortunately raise an awareness of crime over the country. (A survey last year in India showed that 25% of foreign visitors felt unsafe due to robbing and harassment)/ Tourist hotspots are plagued by problems such as theft, harassment or drug abuse. The government should apparently impose a stringent rule to tackle this issue. Second, the green movements would convincingly argue that the entrance of tourists to the country can have an enormous influence on environmental degradation. It is necessary to fight climate change, but the air travel pollutes the atmosphere, let alone the constructions of facilities such as hotels and roads inevitably lead to the habitat destruction.  
  
In conclusion, despite of the huge advantage mentioned above, I believe that the drawbacks of this trend exceed the positive impacts.
You could actually discuss this essay using 2 advantages and 2 disadvantages to help explain your point and in the process, create a stronger essay. It works this way. You already know that you believe there are more disadvantages to the rise of tourism as opposed to its advantages. So the discussion format should be:  
  
- Advantage topic  
- Explain why you see this as a disadvantage  
- Use an example to help explain your point  
- Give an additional explanation (if needed) or use this as a transition sentence into the next topic.  
  
Do this one more time for a total of 2 fully explained A/D discussion points. What will this help you achieve?  
  
- A clearer explanation of your position using 2 discussion points, which will help increase your C&C score  
- An opportunity to use more relevant vocabulary for a greater LR score  
- A chance to use more of a simple and complex sentence mix to help your GRA score  
  
While the presentation you have now has good points, it does not really have any solid and believable explanations that would make the examiner view your essay as properly outlined (in the draft process) and developed (in the final writing process). By using the format above, you avoid having under developed explanations, which is what you have now. Just stick to one topic per paragraph. Don't over discuss things. That is how you ended up with a weakly written essay in the first place.
Topic:  
## In some countries, criminal trials are shown on TV for the publics.

  
***Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages***  
  
People in many nations can watch court hearings on television. In my opinion, the benefits of this outweigh the drawbacks. Although some people think that this kind of TV program is not suitable for some audience, showing court cases on television helps improve public knowledge about law and creates a deterring effect against criminal acts.  
  
Showing court hearing to the public will help improve knowledge about the law. Many crimes happened because the criminals did not know that what they were doing was illegal as well as the consequence of their behavior. As a result, showing criminal cases publicly will educate ordinary people on the wrong acts. Furthermore, this will also create a deterring effect because people can learn that if they do something unlawful, they will receive a punishment. For example, in Vietnam, there is a program called "the Verdict" which reproduces some typical criminal hearings. It explains and analyzes why the criminal acts were illegal, how it affected the whole society, and the penalty when committing this crime thus, it encourages people to be law-abiding citizens.  
  
However, many people criticize that these TV programs are not suitable for some groups of audiences like young children. Underage audiences are not mature enough to understand the whole case and they can be obsessed with the violent details in the crime. This can lead to mental health problems. However because this disadvantage can be solved by choosing an appropriate show time and create warnings on the minimal age to see the program, it is minor compared to the advantages.  
  
In conclusion, it seems that showing court trials to the public brings more advantages than disadvantages. This helps improve the awareness of the public about the law and reduce the rate of crime.
Suggestions;  
  
1) Make it a five paragraph essay (if allowed) by elaborating on 'access to information' in one para and 'deterring effect' in another.  
2) Use synonyms more. For instance, the 'howevers' in the third para could be replaced with 'On the other hand' or 'Conversely'  
3) Some normal sentence structuring mistakes like, for instance, the line ; /.../ can be clearer by writing it as /Many crimes ... was illegal AND WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES OF SUCH BEHAVIOR WOULD BE/
## the popularity of traveling abroad

  
  
Travelling abroad has became more and more popular. Nowadays, many families want to spend their holiday overseas to visit and experience new countries. People can have fun and relax after a long period of hard work. Along with the benefits of travelling, there are unfortunately many drawbacks that negatively affect tourists.  
  
One of the biggest advantages of travelling overseas is that it makes the world closer and safer. People are allowed to experience different cultures and understand more about local people's life, which encourages people to know more about others. Additionally international travel enables people to broaden their horizon and global understanding. We get the opportunity to learn new languages, experience cuisines and visit new places. For example, you can experience enormous specialities from many countries around the world such as France, Italy and Korea. Furthermore, we are also allowed to know more about the people from other cultures and their personalities. In particular, if you get to pay a visit to Germany, you will find that the Germans are very strict with the rules. They will be angry if you disobey the rules , even accidentally/the slightest mistake cannot be accepted.  
  
On the other hand, travelling abroad contains many drawbacks. First of all, most of international travel requires using the airway. Each time you have to pay an enormous amount of money to pay the airway bill. Moreover, you must spend another large sum of money for other expenses including accommodation, restaurant, entertainment, etc. It costs around $700 to $1000 for a whole trip. Secondly, travelling by airplanes causes air pollution. Every year airplanes release a huge amount of emission of greenhouse gas, which is detrimental to the environment. The greenhouse gas emission also causes global warming, which is destroying the Earth, especially the habitat of the aquatic animals. For instant, global warming is directly melting the North Pole which leads the dead of whales.  
  
In summary, the popularity of international travel is a positive thing because travelling allows people to experience and learn more about outside world. However, it can also result in some negative outcomes such as money and environmental issues.
There are several problems with this essay starting with the prompt paraphrase. You did not really reintroduce the given discussion topic in a manner that notes the original reasons for the discussion. The reasons being:  
  
- enormous benefits to many places  
- impact on the environment  
  
So the essay focuses on the tourism aspect of the discussion. The reasoning paragraphs should have represented:  
  
- The advantage of tourism to the country (One expanded topic sentence discussion)  
- The disadvantage in terms of the impact on the environment of the country (One expanded topic discussion)  
  
Focus on one reasoning topic per paragraph so that you can focus on the clarity of your explanation and score better because you will be able to properly connect the two discussion topics within the presentation. It isn't about the word count, it's about the kind of English explanation abilities you present in the essay. The discussion approach should have been a solid analysis of the tourism effect on your own country. That would have given you the strongest con and pro argument since you are living within the results of the aforementioned tourism scenarios. Just don't use personal pronouns and the essay would have been fantastic.  
  
Exam takers often neglect to take note of the required discussion parameters in the essay. You failed to note that in this case, which is why you did not discuss the essay based on the suggested discussion format. by showing the examiner that you are discussing the essay based on the implied reasons and scenarios, you will prove your English comprehension abilities (ability to understand the discussion provided) and also, proper format the response to the full benefit of your individual scoring considerations.
## The number of vehicles has risen significantly

  
  
It is true that in morden life, almost people have a private car. Athough there will undoubtedly be some negative consequences of this trend, solutions can be taken to mitigate these potential problems.  
  
There are a number of related to this trend. The main issue is pollution. A lot of cars in the street means a large amount of cacbon dioxide release. Not only atmosphere but also noise. This is lound hooter that repeating sound just pisses other people off. Another problem is a negative effect on drivers. A high accident rate because the rear cars is often hidden from front cars, moreover car users can control when they have one over the eight. Besides, car owners are so dependent on the car that they sit too much which leads to obesity.  
  
However, there are several actions that could be taken to solve the problem mentioned above. Firstly, it is important for the government to increase vehicle registered fee and collect tolls on almost ways. Sum of money above will be used in granting free bus tickets for students, personnels. Secondly, government should propagandize pollution, health care for citizens in order to they cut down go out by private car. Finally, gasoline price are increased. This would mean that public transports will be priority.  
  
In conclusion, various measures can be implemented to tackle the problems that are certain to arise as the number of cars are growing.