dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
To, you have to post the actual essay and the image at this forum. We are not allowed to follow links outside of the forum. There is a potential danger to our computers from viruses, spam bots, etc. which could have a direct effect on how we help the others here. Now, it is not true that you were not able to post the image at this forum. I manage to read and look at the original thread that you posted before you deleted it. For your benefit, I will post the information that I tried to post with the thread that you created then deleted. Here is what I tried to tell you:  
  
T*o, there seems to be a problem with the image you uploaded as I cannot access it to enlarge the image. Anyway, I was able to manually enlarge it and compare it with the information you presented. Before I delve on the problems of your essay based upon the information from the bar chart, I first have to call your attention a grave error on your part.  
  
There were at least two moments in this essay when you presented information that was not included in the chart. These are hypothetical assumptions on your part to explain certain trends within the graph. Under no circumstances are you allowed to present a personal opinion or assumed data within an essay of this sort. The reason behind this is simple, if it is not in the chart, then the information does not exist. By offering information that cannot be backed up by the data in the illustration, you are misleading the reader and thus offering false information which could have an adverse effect on the final outcome on the way the reader considers the information presented. Such an error can possibly automatically fail you in this test because you failed to follow the prompt instructions. Which by the way, you also neglected to present as part of the text for our consideration. Next time, please offer complete instructions for your essay as the box instructions already indicate that you must include the full prompt instructions with your post.  
  
That said, the highest possible score you could get for this essay is a 5. Mainly because your format, as in the presentation of your assumptions, were inappropriate in certain parts of the essay. Your overview summary is lacking a third paragraph to help increase your task accuracy score as well. Your score could actually be lower than a 5 because of the presentation of non-existent information in your essay. I am being very lenient with your scoring at this point because I am not aware as to how the actual examiner would score you incrementally based on the problems of your work. I am sure however, that you cannot get a score higher than a 5, lower than a 4.*
To, I think you have to seek the help of our moderators and administrators regarding your account. It seems to have too many problems or you just don't fully understand how to do things. Send them an email. They are very helpful people who will be very eager to help you fix your problems with using the forum post box. As for the comments that I have for your work, refer to the post that I made before this response. That is thread number 2. All of my comments and observations about your work are located in that thread. Read it, understand it, and apply it to your next essay. You had some very serious problems with this particular essay that I hope you take note of. Let me reiterate the need for you to contact our admin so that you can properly use the forum. If you continue to disobey the rules, you will be suspended and nobody can help you then.
Don't bother creating another thread. since you already posted the essay here. Just include the image in your next post in this thread for the benefit of the others who may want to help you improve your work.You get suspended for violations like not giving good advice (useless comments), plagiarism, not using a creative title for your post, advertising, and creating multiple accounts. Those are just a few of the violations that often result in suspension of accounts. So if you post your essay and include the image, which in this case, did not want to enlarge, I don't see why having borrowed it from another thread would be considered a violation. To make sure though, you can ask the admin of the forum if that is a violation. That is something only they can be sure about. Just make sure that next time, you upload an image that came directly from you. As long as we can enlarge it, you will be fine. There will be a problem if you post your essay without the image included. Don't ask the students and contributors here to access outside links either. That is something that the admin does not advise for computer safety reasons.
@Maitouyen282  
  
1. You don't need to say 'The comparison of three categories will be shown in next paragraphs' in the first paragraph. Instead, you may include the second paragraph into the first one, but you need to make it more concise than the current version.  
  
2. The next two paragraph should talk about different comparisons that worthy of being in the different paragraphs. You may talk in detail about how Local was the most popular one followed by Nat/Inter and Mobile respectively as a 2nd paragraph. Followed by how all usages were increasing during 1995 to 1999 before local line begin to drop and mobile usage was massively expanded after 1999 as the 3rd paragraph. Or any other comparison you feel like, but it should have a clear contrast between two.  
  
3. Also, don't use 'maybe' or something informal in the academic essay.  
  
4. When you bring up an explanation, try to start from the fact that is obvious and widely accepted one then built your reason up from there.  
  
Hope this help
Hai @Maitouyen282  
  
These are few corrections from me. Hope it could be helpful :)  
  
1. In paragraph 1, you need to write an 'overall' statement aka the conclusion of the graph. "The comparison of three categories will be shown in next paragraphs" sentence is not appropriate to be written in the essay.  
  
2. Your opinion is restricted to be written. Remember that this is an academic essay. So the sentence "The possible reason for this change is that maybe local telephone's fee became chip" is not needed.  
  
Wish you luck :)
## to get married earlier or not?

  
  
According to the social development, while more and more people are choosing a FA life, some people are still want to get marriage in early adulthood. While I accept that there are difficulties and benefits in the marriage of young adults, I would argue that it is better to marry until they have more social experiences.  
  
The option to marry in young adults is adventageous to some extent. They don't have to waste time and money for going out while home-made food is easy-to-make, cheaper and healthier. In addition, they have a balance status about romance and sex. As a result, they will feel more enthusiastic to work hard for their future. Furthermore, physically, the 18-25 period has the best qualify in fertilization.  
  
On the other hand, it seems to me that the young adults' marriages may have trouble in the future. Firstly, they are immature in solving common problems in marriage, in which new-born babies are big ones. Secondly, their family budget may be uncertain as they have just graduated high school or university. If they want to afford a family with at least two person, they may need theirs parents help. Thirdly, couples have less time for their profession which leads to decrease the country's GDP.  
  
In conclusion, I believe the marriage should be gotten provided that couples' experiences and skills have improved, in a late adulthood.
Ngoc, what exam are you writing this for? Please provide the name of the exam and the complete prompt for this essay so that I can judge the type of response that you gave for relevance. In terms of this current work, even without knowing the actual prompt, I can tell that this is badly written and rushed in development. The evidence of the rushed development can be found in the inaccurate format that you used and lack of properly developed reasoning in the second paragraph. The paragraphs must be divided by topic discussion and also, the essay requires a properly developed conclusion at the end. Right now, this essay sounds like it was written when you did not have the time to write a practice test. Please don't do that. Take the time to write a proper essay, within expected prompt parameters. It is difficult to actually give your essay a score due to the lack of exam identification and prompt instructions. I will be able to offer you points for improvement once I know about the currently missing requirements.
**Some people feel that it is always wrong to keep animals in captivity, for instance in zoos. Other people say that there are benefits for the animals and for humans. Discuss both sides and give your personal view.**  
  
## zoos - fun for humans, harm for animals?

  
  
Zoos are still the artificial environments where people visit to undergo the feeling of being in the short-term contact with the wildlife. While some people argue that it is cruel to keep them in such captivities, however, I believe that, it is beneficial for both the animals and the humans.  
  
On the one hand, zoos are considered as safe and peaceful places in some respects. In the wild, there are great probabilities that most animals can lose their natural habitat, or be killed by other animals. This is more beneficial particularly for endangered animals, which in turn can contribute to the ecosystem. Apart from this, as the natural places where animals can be very dangerous for the lives of human beings, most of us would not have the chance to encounter other living creatures without the presence of zoos.  
  
On the other hand, there are many who doubt the wholesomeness of the existence of zoos. As living in the limited space, the animals can suffer mentally and physically. For example, repetitive disorders and eating disorders seem in the zoo animals more frequently. Apart from not being healthy, some argue that zoos are unethical as they do not have the right to exploiting animals with the intention of making money. They also suggest that the best way to saving endangered animals is protecting their natural habitats.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that despite some negative sides, zoos have noticeable advantages for animals, as well as humans, as long as their rights and comforts are preserved.
Adam, you have to work on providing the complete prompt summary in overview form. That seems to be a regular problem in all of your essays. In this one, you neglected to present both points of view again, prior to presenting your opinion on the matter. While it is alright to stand in the middle this time, since you are not being asked to take one side in particular for the discussion, you still needed to represent both sides in the summary overview. The examiner doesn't need the definition of a zoo. What he needed to read, was how well you understood and could represent the prompt requirements in the essay opening statement. You have points lost for that.  
  
Additional points were lost when you decided to make a misrepresentation of the pro and con discussion of the facts by making it appear that these opinions were your own. When you are asked to discuss both sides, you have to make sure that the readers know that you are representing a public opinion in the discussion first. Your personal opinion does not come until the second to the last paragraph of the essay.  
  
Then, you lost more points because you decided to discuss your personal opinion on the given topic within the concluding paragraph. As a hard rule of academic writing, which is what the IELTS test is, no writer is allowed to present an opinion or additional information in the concluding paragraph. As the title of the paragraph indicates, it is the end (conclusion) of the discussion. Therefore, all of the facts and assertions have to be made in the earlier paragraphs. The concluding statement is a mere recap of all that was discussed and presented in the essay.  
  
Based upon the problems that I observed within your response essay, I am confident that you would not be able to score higher than a 5 overall. The score was weighted down by the problems in task accuracy, which is a major factor in scoring these essays.
Sehat, in as much as this is a worthy letter of recommendation, it has been to long since you last worked with this person on a personal basis. An effective recommendation letter comes from a person whom you still currently work with but have had a long standing professional relationship with. There is a reason why the length of time that the person has known you professionally is significant. It has to do with the fact that the person recommending you needs to be able to vouch for your most current abilities as a professional. The person who is recommending you cannot be a mere friend you meet from time to time. The gap in time since you last worked together is too long for the person to actively know your current professional abilities. The most effective form of this letter should be from someone whose last professional interaction with you was in 2016. Your current supervisor or team leader would be the best person to get the recommendation from. That is because such a person can refer to the most recent projects you worked on in relation to the information you provided in your self introduction and other papers. This recommendation is also a validation of the information you submitted as your professional qualifications.  
  
The main problem with this letter is that you write the recommendation letter which is why it doesn't respond directly to the instructions provided. It is very self serving and, even without your feeling me that you write this for someone, I could tell that you personally wrote it. This is a glorified personal statement and extension of your resume. It is not a properly formatted, nor guide question responsive recommendation.  
  
You have to write this letter in a more responsive and deliberate manner. Short-term the letter, remove the personal choice from the information and focus on simply offering direct response to the requirement with only the most impressive recommendation points presented. More importantly, try not to use poison descriptions that only those from your country are familiar with. Use the English equivalent whenever you can or explain what the position description is all about.
@Holt  
  
Dear Mary,  
I do wait on your comment. Thank you so much for the insightful inputs.  
  
1. My current Boss, whom I work with for almost 2 years, actually writen by himself for my recommendation letter. So, I have nothing to do with it.  
  
2. As you stated before, in my other essay, my referee could be someone from socio-civic. Actually, this one is more related, which I worked together in 2016. But, they are from my church, which we did project to remote area. Do you think they are reliable enough for my essay?  
  
3. Actually, I have no idea on construct recommendation letter since I never did it before. Would you tell me, if you dont mind, which part should I remove, and which one should I shorten, Mary? Please help me, if you dont mind.  
  
4. Im so sorry, but I cant get which one you mean with poison descriptions?  
  
Thank you before, Mary!
How can you tell me that your manager was the one who wrote this letter when you clearly said in your posting that:  
  
I was asked to draft a letter of recommendation for Chevening application by my former Project Manager  
To say that you were asked to draft a letter means that you wrote the original content. So you cannot make conflicting claims regarding who wrote the letter. Regardless, the letter is too self serving in this original form. Like I said, it is an extension of your resume and does not sound like someone other than you wrote it. It can still be fixed though. Now, in response to your other questions...  
  
2. The correct term is referrer, not referee. A referee is an official who watches a game or match closely to ensure that the rules are adhered to and (in some sports) to arbitrate on matters arising from the play. Please make sure to use the correct term from now on. Yes, you can use the leader from your socio-civic environment for this letter, provided it is for a different application. However, a more recent professional reference would be best because that will tie in with your professional / academic development in reference to the masters degree you wish to pursue.  
  
3. Review the prompt requirements. In number 4, you are asked to briefly discuss a series of character traits. That is the part of the essay that you can shorten. Try to combine all of the traits into one description in one paragraph. Do not outline all of your duties and responsibilities over a series of paragraphs. Just summarize the necessary information based upon the brief summary required.  
  
4. Sorry about that. It was an auto correct that I neglected to proof read. I meant "professional" descriptions that are understood by only the people in your country because it is a term native to your language.
@Holt  
  
Dear Mary,  
  
1. Sorry. I didnt state it clearly. Chevening asked the applicant to submit two references letter so I need two referrers. The most relevant with me now for profesional working is my current Boss, which I've worked with him about 2years until now. He writes my references letter by himself. That's what I mean exactly. This one that I wrote the draft was for another referrers from profesional side also, my former Project Manager whom I worked with in 2014.  
  
2. Well noted, Mary.  
  
3. I'll try to revise it and post it here soon.
Sehat, keep the continued balance in your referral letters. Always present one professional and one extra curricular / socio-civic recommendation. That way you present your well rounded personality to the reviewer and allow him to see how you function both in and out of the office, in differing scenarios. If possible, highlight the international communities that you work with and how you handled the projects with them so you can prove that you have what it takes to survive studying abroad. The main concern of the letter is how well you will be able to handle yourself once you are left to your own devices in a foreign land. That is why they want to know about those 4 aspects of your character traits. If possible, use only one, big, and impressive project to relay all of the required information that can be most impressive to the reviewer.
(any comments will be highly appreciated)  
  
## The longevity and science

  
  
**Science will help people live longer. Some people think that it is good development, while others think it may cause problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
Recent decades have seen an obvious increase in the life-span of human being as the science is gaining momentum. However, while someone argue that this change might bring us many risks, others, including myself, believe that this is of great benefit to human being.  
  
It is certainly true that the increase of life-expectancy reflects the progress of civilization of human being. To begin, nearly everyone has the desire to live longer, as everyone's life is only once, living longer means people could have more time to explore this world better or just enjoy the quality time with families. Therefore, long life-span will cater to people's high demand of living longer. Moreover, it is sometimes true that longer life-span means more values, especially for those talented person. For example , if Einstein could live longer, our world might be a little bit more different in terms of physics.  
  
Nevertheless, the increase of human's life-span has not all been beneficial to our societies. The first problem is connected with aging society. We would be confronted with problem of the distribution of social resources, e.g. national pension, social welfare. Meanwhile, several heavy industries might suffer from the lack of labor force. In addition, people will find difficult to support their parents, grandparents or even great-parents, it particularly hold true for those single-child families.  
  
From what have been mentioned, it is fair to conclude that living longer for human being will beneficial to not only individuals but society. Although, it might generate many negative effect, I am convinced that those problems must be addressed.
Allen, I think your answered is well structured but I'm a bit confused about paragraph two.  
I didn't understand how the arguments you proposed could reflect the progress of civilization. Maybe you should change that part or if you want to keep it I think you should provide different arguments, like how scientific progress made some diseases curable and how the economic growth led to an health that's affordable to most people. Also, in the same paragraph, I think you meant worth not values.  
  
And when you were speaking about Einstein you should have used a third conditional:  
"if Einstein could *have lived* longer, our world might be a little bit more different in terms of physics."  
  
I think that once that you solve the second paragraph everything will become much clearer ! I don't see any major problems except from that.
Hi Jing, I will admit that this is one of the better developed essays that I have come across in the forum for the IELTS writing task 2 practice tests. In fact, even though there are one or two problem points in the way that you developed the essay, your presentation and clear discussion could probably still help you score anywhere between a 6 and 7 in the actual test. What problems do I speak of?  
  
First and foremost, you use the term e.g. (exempli gratia) in the essay. That is an abbreviation that you should not use in formal academic writing. Specially during an English language based exam. No abbreviations, slang words, or writing shortcuts must be used. In academic writing, the best way to say this would simply have been to use the actual term "for example".  
  
The next problem with your essay is that is does not use easily identifiable examples to illustrate your points. For example, you used Einstein and physics to prove the benefits of living longer. However, Einstein and Physics belong to a field that does not have any obvious benefits to the regular reader. So using another example, from popular culture would have been best. Something like "Computers may have continued to evolve better if Steve Jobs had lived longer", or something along those lines.  
  
Basically, you did a good job in responding to the prompt. The mistakes you make can easily be avoided in your future writing tests. Keep up the good work. You are doing very well.