dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Nguyen, please make sure that you upload the images in panorama setting instead of portrait. I almost got a neck cramp trying to look at your portrait oriented image. It was very difficult to review in relation to what you wrote. There is a slight mistake with your summary overview presentation. If you study the chart, the information provided was not in consecutive decades. There is a gap between 1990 and 2004. Therefore, the skip in the years should have been properly recognized in your summary presentation.  
  
You also failed to indicate that the audience attendance was going to be noted in the thousands. A proper overview indicates the most obvious notable information that you will be presenting, without mentioning the actual figures yet. Indicating those information would have created a more solid summary of the information for discussion. Additionally, if you combined the first 2 sentences with the next 2 sentences, you would have also developed a stronger orientation for your reader.  
  
You have a tendency to misrepresent the information about the number of audience attendance. There are instances, such as in the last paragraph, when you made it sound like it was the number of games played, instead of the number of audience attendance that you were discussing. Don't lose focus, always make sure to make it clear to your reader that you are referring to audience attendance. One silly mistake like this and your essay will be marked down in terms of grammar or task accuracy.
Davinna, your essay constantly repeats the fact that you believe that grades are not important at the start of every paragraph. Kindly refrain from doing that as the redundancy becomes highly irritating as one progresses with reading your paper. You need remind the reader about the topic after about 5 or 5 paragraphs, not every paragraph. Adjust your opening sentences to become more paragraph topic centered instead. That delivers a more adequate representation of the paragraph subjects. Consider it a sentence subject line in every paragraph. I also want to call your attention to the sources that you use in the paper. If the information comes from a website but is in reference to something that someone of authority said in the paper, then refer to the person in authority and his capacity as a professional. Skip mentioning the website because online sources are normally frowned upon by the teachers and persons in authority, but they will accept the word of a fellow professional that just happens to be found on the web. Just mention the website reference in your bibliography. By the way, your story about your belief about your grades and your experience should not be at the end of the research. Place that at the very beginning as the hook that you will be using to interest the reader in learning more about the discussion. The latest that you introduce that topic should be in the second paragraph, not near the very end of the essay.
*Hi everyone, this is my practice of writing an opinion paragraph. Hope you can help me make it better. Thank you*  
  
***Writing a paragraph to clarify your opinion about shopping online. Do you think its benefits will overweight its risks? You should write about 150 words.***  
  
## shopping online is a great solution for promoting economic

  
  
I am in favour of the idea that shopping online brings numerous facilities not only for sellers but also for customers. With the increasingly fast development of the Internet, social medias and websites such as Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, shopping online becomes easier than ever. First, because everything is selling online so sellers do not need to rent or buy any place for setting up and decorating a shop. They just need to photograph their products and post those pictures to social websites with an attractive caption. In addition, advertisements may be not required, when their customers are satisfied with their goods, they will share and write good reviews. Second, buyers can search and choose anything they want just by clicking and scrolling their mouses. All information of the product includes size, color, material and more are described in its product introduction with attached pictures. Finally, in my point of view, shopping online reduces unnecessarily intermediate steps and is the base of strong e-commerce. To sum up, for these reasons, it seems to me that shopping online in right way is a great solution for promoting economic.
Nguyen, when you write an opinion about any topic, there is one simple fact that you have to remember. In order to have an opinion, two sides of the discussion must exist. The side that is against your opinion and the side that your opinion supports. Both sides must be first introduced in your statement before you can present your opinion and the justifications that support both the discussion that you support and your personal opinion. I do not see any reference to the opposing opinion in the introduction of your statement. Therefore, the opinion becomes bias or one sided, thus weakening your opinion because you are not ready to defend it against the opposing side. An introduction of the opposing side and then your opinion that refutes the other would have been sufficient enough to have created an excellent opinion paragraph. By anticipating the opposing discussion and presenting your opinion that could very well beat the opposing opinion, you will be able to safely write an effective statement of opinion. Remember, your opinion can only be made stronger by the weakness of the opposition. So first discuss the opposing opinion and then point out the flaws in that opinion in order to create a picture of a strongly worded point of view on your end.
**Computer games yield more tremendous benefits, but also have obvious drawbacks for children. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## computer games influence children

  
  
In globalization era, the use of advance technology spreads to all aged society. Video games are one of cutting-edge technologies in kids circle. Advertisers believe that these virtual games have many advantages for children's brain. Personally, I support this statement because several games in computer can increase children's intelligence and reduce stress level. On the other hand, I believe that parents should limit playing time of children in computer as it can affect kids' health and social life.  
  
It is clear that sophisticated technology brings many beneficial impacts. Inventors discover variety of games that can upgrade memory capacity of children's brain. A 2016 Journal of Neuroscience released that people under 18 years old who played digital games can do better assignments than the other. Their output of brain-check up also showed that they have well balanced between right and left brain. Not only this, the rise in study time at school massively impacts on the number of children getting stress. The 2014 Jakarta Post wrote that in China, playing online game could decrease to 25% amount of anxiety level that is caused by task demands at school.  
  
Parents have the essential roles in controlling activity of children. More playing games bring negative impacts on kids. Games addicted cause disturbance of health, such as gastritis and eye diseases. A 2015 BBC News reported that 23th young man was found in his bedroom in death condition. He was found with a stick game in his hand. The police assumed that he passed away because of playing games too much without eating or drinking. In addition, social life of kids can also disappear because of playing games. The Asian Journal represented that in 2013 45% children in Japan did not know name of their neighbors. They were busy with their virtual games.  
  
To sum up, I agree that computer games influence children in positive and negative impacts. By playing video games, children's capability can elevate and their anxiety can reduce. Restriction of playing time should be regulated to protect kids from disease and lost in social life.
-I think your introduction is quite confusing. At the first sentence, there should have a general sentence for computer games like" Nowadays,almost children seem to spend all of their time on computer games". After that, you write about two statements and you will express your opinion that you disagree or agree at the last sentence  
  
-In condition, the topic sentence of paparagraph 2 is not good. You should write a sentencen which can embrace the whole content of that para.  
-About the conclusion, "I agree that computer games influence both positive and negative impacts on children" INFLUENCE IMPACT ON SB/STH
***Hello Mr Habib**, in this moment I am going to offer a few suggestions for improving your essay so that you can finalize that.  
First, if you wanna paraphrase the statement, you are supposed to do totally. You mentioned that advertisers state advantageous of the computer games whereas you had to show their opinion about detrimental effects. Pay attention to the statement. The prompts given ask you for arguing your opinion that the trend has advantages and disadvantages. Those two factors are unity you have to review.  
  
For your body paragraph, please be careful of picking examples up. Your first reason in the first body has not related to the example. As we can see, you said that the computer game can raise the capacity of memories, but you can show the relevant scientific fact. Following that, I suggest you avoid the scientific fact in your real test. It is impossible you can deliver the scientific fact in that situation. It is better you present your personal experiences or information which you get in the field. On the other hand, you should strengthen your logic flow in the second body paragraph. There were a few missings in your flow.  
  
Lastly, your thesis statement is good. If you can get the points of the statement given, you could create the good thesis statement.  
Keep spirit. You only need practice more and more. GOOD LUCK*
**Topic: More and more young people from wealthy countries are spending a short time in communities in poorer countries doing unpaid work such as teaching or building houses. Why ? Who benefit more from this, the community or these young people? (write approximately 300 words)**  
  
## voluntary activities in poorer countries

  
  
In certain industrialized nations, it is commonplace for youngsters to support underdeveloped countries by doing some unsalaried work in a limited amount of time. This trend has resulted from many reasons and these communities gain more benefits than teenagers from these voluntary activities.  
  
There are some reasons for which under-privileged nations are supported by other countries' teenagers. Firstly, it is much easier for prosperous countries to help poor nations in many aspects such as technology and health. For instance, some Africans have to encounter with some contagious diseases which are curable in America or European nations. Therefore, young people can provide African countries with some vaccinations but they can help thousand of people survive. Another reason is youngsters can accumulate new knowledge. While giving homeless people a hand, young people can have a deeper insight into new lifestyles or different cultures. Lastly, by doing voluntary service, students can gain experience and become more mature. These lessons learned in other areas can make them more independent and successful in their future profession.  
  
Even though teenagers can be benefited by helping disadvantaged people in other places, there are more advantages for these communities in many ways. These under-privileged countries can draw many lessons from wealthy nations. Some useful advice and updated methods can help local citizens to overcome obstacles. Besides, poor areas can also be supported by financial aid and therefore, the lifestyle can be promoted. For example, some tips and financial support can be spent on upgrading education or healthcare system. Underdeveloped countries can pursue guided ways to settle the issues, ranging from starvation and illiteracy to infectious diseases. It is obvious that some national problems can be addressed by the small help of international organizations.  
  
In conclusion, young generations have a tendency to travel to nations where services are so insufficient and locals have to contend with severe problems due to a variety of reasons. Despite many benefits gained by youngsters, I believe that these communities which are supported by foreigners will certainly gain much more profits.
Tung, when the instruction says "approximately" that means you have to write up to the number of words indicated. You cannot write less, you cannot write more. So your essay is over the proper approximate by 37 words. It is always best to write the exact number of words required or suggested because this count fits directly within the time frame given to you for the development of the essay. In this instance, your excess words took away time that could have been used for the proper editing and finalization of your paper. While you did write too many words, I will say that you appropriately discussed and developed your statements in the essay. However, your opening paraphrase has a slight problem because it contains a small inaccuracy in its presentation. You should have indicated the actual topic for discussion in it which is whether the teenager or the community actually benefits from the free work that the teenager does in the country. A sample presentation of that portion of the essay would be:  
  
*... doing some unsalaried work in a limited amount of time. **This activity has raised some questions as to whether the community or the teenager actually benefits from the free work being done. This essay will examine the two sides of the discussion and make an assumption regarding who truly benefits from this practice.***  
  
You have to make an assumption regarding who benefits because that is not made clear in the prompt requirements. The reason that you are to say "assumption" is because you are not allowed to discuss facts and related information within the opening statement. The opening statement serves only as an introduction to the topic for discussion, it is not meant to begin the discussion of the essay. This is a standard requirement because a completely developed thought process and presentation cannot be done within a single paragraph that is already discussing specific required elements. The thought process and defense that you want to present is separate and goes into the body paragraphs instead. The first paragraph is simply for the required paraphrasing elements. The paraphrased portion is the part of the essay where the examiner can assess your English comprehension skills and ability to follow English instructions.
Question :  
**The world is experiencing a dramatic increase in population. This is causing problems not only for poor, undeveloped countries, but also for industrialised and developing nations.  
  
Describe some of the problems that overpopulation causes, and suggest at least one possible solution.**  
  
## how the overpopulation affect a country?

  
  
Answer :  
In a today's life, overpopulation happens across the world and causes some difficulties for some countries. There is an imbalance number of job seekers with the industries, and the rising number of population also gave a negative impact on their quality life such as shelter, as we know that some cities in developed countries nowadays have a poor quality of life because of the overpopulation they had. I believe that these problems can be solved by the government with cooperation from all citizens. Building an economical flat and giving a public workshop for citizen can be the ideal solution for these problems.  
  
The significant differences between numbers of people and the industries within the country are the most crucial problem nowadays. Without having a job, people cannot fulfill their needs which are correlated with the chance of doing crime. The limited number of shelters in the city also must be solved by the government as we know that mostly overpopulation happens in the city. If people do not have any shelter, they mostly will build an illegal house on the riverbank which is dangerous for them. These problems happened in Jakarta 3 years ago, overpopulation could not be controlled by the government and it caused problems to the city such as traffic jam, flood, and high number of crime. From this, I can state that overpopulation is the most crucial problem which must be solved for developing the country.  
  
There are several ideas that might be possible to solve these problems, such as build an economical flat and give a workshop for those who want to find a job. Economical flat can reduce the number of illegal shelters rapidly, and therefore government can manage the city well if the fundamental needs of citizens are well managed such as shelter. Even though it spent lots of cash, it can help a lot for reducing overpopulation impact. Another option is to create some workshops for those who are looking for a job. People mostly need a skill to do some jobs, and this is what government can help with, and expert person will be paid worth than the fresh one. Meanwhile, it must be followed with the increasing number of jobs opportunity also.  
  
In conclusion, overpopulation can give lots of disadvantages for country development. Although there are some solutions also that government can do for this problem, such as building an economic flat for poor citizen and also creating some workshops for job seekers. I believe that overpopulation can be solved if we always come up with the solution, without blaming each other.
Ariza, I realize that this is your first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay so I will not score this essay. You have made a number of mistakes that could actually cause you to fail the exam proper had this been given as the topic and then have you present it in the above manner. Your presentation does not follow the standard requirements for this type of essay writing so I need to guide you in developing the writing style first, the content second.  
  
The first thing that you have to learn is that there are specific parts to the essay that you have to write. These parts are the opening statement, body paragraphs, and concluding statement. In the case of your essay there is no opening statement nor conclusion, only body of paragraphs. This format alone will lead to an automatic failure in an actual setting. In order to gain a passing chance for the test you must make changes to your writing style.  
  
First, you must learn how to paraphrase the original prompt. Paraphrasing means saying the prompt instructions in your own words. What did you understand the prompt to mean? How are you being asked to discuss it? What do you think of the topic being discussed? Do you have an opinion? To what degree is your opinion? These are some of the questions that you can answer in the development of your paraphrased opening statement. The original prompt will normally tell you how far you have to go and what information you have to present in the paraphrased outline. The outline being the topics for discussion and how it will be discussed.  
  
Next, you need to practice drafting your paper. Write a rough version within the first 5 minutes of the timed test. Then review it and expand the sections that need expanding. Aim to write no less than 3 sentences and no more than 5. Do not present too many ideas. Just develop solid presentations for single ideas because that is all that the remaining time allotment will allow you to do. Bear in mind the original instructions and make sure to deliver only what is required of your essay. Do not make it unnecessarily complicated like you did with this essay.  
  
Finally, practice summarizing the discussions you have presented. Make sure to properly summarize the details and facts that you present. Do not, under any circumstances, present any new information. That will mean that you did not conclude your discussion but rather, left it hanging without proper closure.  
  
Do your best to follow these instructions with your next test and you should begin to see some impressive improvements with your essay writing. At this point, this essay is not worth the time that you took to write it because it is nothing more than a long narrative without a beginning or an end. It is a failure as an essay.
Hey Ariza!!  
  
I feel like you have some good ideas but this essay has room for a lot of improvement.  
  
One thing that I have constantly being telling people is the pattern in which you present your ideas. It matters a lot.  
Even though you did speak about a few hazards of overpopulation and have mentioned a solution, your essay is very haphazard. You have written about both the problems of overpopulation as well as control measures simultaneously.  
  
It's best if you split your essay into 3 parts.  
  
1) An introduction para - Here you simply introduce the topic at hand and it's relevance in the present day.  
Simple Example-  
" Overpopulation is a major issue in the modern world. It has a negative impact on health and development not just in the developing nations, but the affluent societies as well."  
  
2) The Body of the essay - Focus now on answering the key questions in the essay. This is the major chunk of the essay.  
a) Harmful effects of overpopulation - Effects on human health ( Overcrowding and increased risk of diseases and epidemics), quality of life (Poor housing, education and healthcare facilities to meet the needs of a large population) and on the environment ( Air and water pollution, noise pollution from traffic), etc  
  
b) Simple solutions to overcome these negative impacts - This can be you concluding or third para.  
- Educating the public regarding contraceptive use, promoting smaller family norm with incentives, and your other ideas ( workshop and economic flat)  
  
In conclusion para talk about how this major issue effecting human lives can be controlled by these simple implementable solutions.  
  
\* There are a few grammatical errors in your essay. So pay attention on that as well.  
  
Keep practicing and you'll do extremely well.  
Good Luck! :)
Hello everyone! This is my essay and I hope that your guy can give some opinions about it. Thanks a bunch <3  
  
ESSAY TOPICS: ANIMAL SPECIES ARE BECOMING EXTINCT DUE TO HUMAN ACTIVITIES ON LAND AND IN SEA. DISCUSS THE REASONS AND SOLUTIONS  
  
## human activities effect badly to animals

  
  
Nobody can deny that people nowadays are doing harm to animal species because of their activities not only on land but also in sea. Although this undoubtedly be negative consequence on this trend, steps can be taken to mitigate these potential problems.  
  
A lot of animals are on the brink of extinction because of many reasons. Firstly, the environment which is animals' habitat is becoming worse and worse. Many factories discharge chemical waste on river that pollutes the water and kills plenty of fishes. Secondly, wild animals are hunted for many purposes. Hunting now becomes a leisure time activity and several of animals are killed just for fun. For example, tiger in China now are nearly become extincted due to a Chinese belief that tigers' meat is a nutritious food and their teeth can bring them luck and happiness. In short, people's activities effect badly on animals' life.  
  
There are several actions that government and individuals could take to solve the problems described above. Initially, government should introduce restriction on killing wild animals and punish hard anyone who does not abide by the law. Furthermore, protecting the environment should be a government priority. They should provide funding for preserving forests and lands for animals' habitat. For instance, people in China have formed a pressure group called "Ipanda" in order to protect the panda, which has attracted government sponsorship. To summary, many solutions are found to reduce the problems.  
  
In conclusion, despite the truth that human activities effect badly to animal species' life, some feasible measures mentioned above can be taken to tackle this problem.