dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@roseat88  
Welcome. We always love having new people join the forum. If any of this feedback resonates with you, don't hesitate to approach us for more insight into the writing.  
  
Firstly, I commend how structured and efficient your writing style is. This certainly can be appreciated by the people who would evaluate your essay. Your arguments and related opinions were also well-balanced throughout the writing.  
  
What I would recommend to improve your writing would be to utilize more straightforward and concrete examples throughout. Taking a look at your second and third paragraph, while there was nothing generally wrong about the content, you needed to add more practical examples that'll clearly demonstrate your writing in a more efficient format.
## the number of physically active Australians

  
  
The bar chart provided offer insights into the rate of Australian male and female in distinct age groups who did frequent physical activity in 2010.  
  
Most strikingly, the proportion of people who did physical exercise in Australia experienced a dip in different age groups.  
  
It can be seen from the chart that men in 15 to 24 age group represented the vast of majority at roughly 53% among age groups. In the contrary, male in middle age group just did almost four in ten (39,5%). There were no considerable differences in the portions of 45 to 65 and over age groups, with the figures ranging from 43,1% to 46,7%.  
  
As far as women in dissimilar age groups are concerned, there was a slight growth and peaked at over a half in 45 to 54 age group. However, the percentage of female who did physical fitness slipped remarkably at over three quarters in 65 and over age group.  
  
*   
*Topic*
@winniethepooh  
Hey, welcome! I'm here to provide you with feedback on your writing. I hope that this somehow becomes beneficial for your writing goals. Should it be, don't hesitate to keep coming back to us.  
  
For one, I suggest opting to reconstruct your sentences in a more concise manner. Doing this would definitely help your writing become a lot more bolder and straightforward. This is a critical trait when you are writing because it improves peoples' perception of the text.Take a look at your first paragraph or sentence. It could have been phrased with a lot less detail to appear more like what a thesis statement should.  
  
The latter portions of your text appear to subtly be informal. Evade this because it can impact the flow of your writing. What I suggest is that you focus on using more meaningful words that are appropriate for this standard of writing. Having randomized articulations within parenthesis certainly do not help you progress further.
**The pie charts show the electricity generated in Germany and France from all sources and renewable in the year 2009.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
*Write at least 150 words***  
  
The pie charts illustrate the differences of electricity produced between Germany and France in terms of all sources and renewables in 2009.  
  
Overall, Germany produced more electricity than France. It is also noted that, while Conventional Thermal was by far the most popular energy in Germany, French showed their interest in Nuclear power.  
  
In the year of 2009, the electricity generated in Germany was 560 Billion kWh, which was merely higher than that of France, a difference of 50 Billion kWh. In all types, most electricity generated in Germany comes from Conventional Thermal energy, at 59,6%. By contrast, there was just one-ten of Conventional Thermal energy used in France. As can be seen, Nuclear power featured at 76% of the total electricity generation in France, making it the first rank. Whereas, France just derived over a fifth of its electricity from Nuclear power. Besides, the amounts of Renewable in Germany and France constituted relatively similar figures at 17.4% and 13.7% respectively.  
  
Turning to Renewable energy. In Germany, the top scorer and the runner-up, belonging to Biomass(39.3%) and (36.9%) in that order. They were by far higher than the remaining kinds of energy namely Hydroelectric & Solar, totaling about 24%. A reverse pattern can be seen in France, the electricity sector is dominated by Hydroelectric, which accounted for four-fifth of the total renewable energy, far exceeding Wind, Biomass, Solar, with the figures for them were 10.5%; 8.1%; and 0.9% accordingly.It is also noticeable that none of both nations which exploited geothermal energy.  
  
*
@Khanh1234  
Hey, welcome to the forum. If you find this feedback helpful, you are more than welcome to come back here for more input on your writing.  
  
Firstly, work on minimizing excessive language when writing. If we take a look at your first paragraph, for instance, it lacks that directness in the formatting. You can try to eliminate phrases such as "*in terms of*" to assist you in this.  
  
The succeeding paragraphs were decent. I would only suggest that you formalize your writing to better suit the academic level. For instance, be cautious of run-on sentences, misuse of capitalization, and generally having bulkier lengths of text.  
  
Shorter and yet bolder pieces of text would relay information in a lot more efficient manner than what you are doing now.
## Local visitors vs tourists from abroad

  
  
It is general accepted that overseas tourist should be charged more than local people. I agree with this statement. Tourist from overseas should collaborate and contribute more with the preservation and maintenance of local monuments.  
  
Cultural local monuments receive an increasingly large number of visitors from different parts of the globe. The local government encourages foreign tourists to travel to our country with the aim of visit the local cultural and historical attractions. This leads to a higher level of cost, maintenance and promotions. It must therefore the necessity of increase ticket prices for foreign visitors is essential for the conservation of cultural and historical buildings. It allows that authorities can allocated more funds to conservations programs, but also creates advertising international campaigns in order to attract more foreign visitors.  
  
Having said that local residents are benefited from the lower prices, their visit would be more grateful and enjoyable. They constantly pay taxes which are imposed by local government. If local and foreign visitors pay the same ticket prince, it will highly unfair, because cultural attractions are keeping well maintained through taxes payers over the years, but they need more funds and investment. In addition, the local communities will receive more money for the construction of school and roads.  
  
To sum up, applying higher ticket price to overseas visitors allow government to manage more funds to meet the necessity of the local community as well as will promote and encourage more tourisms internal and external.
"**generally** accepted"  
"**tourists**" remember the "s"  
"Aim of **visiting**..."  
Just write " Therefore, the increase in ticket prices for foreign visitors is essential..."  
"It allows the authorities to allocate... and create... for to attract overseas visitors"  
"Having said that**,**"  
Remember to check your grammar carefully  
Just some of my fix, please take a look at my essay 😉
## several reasons why people decide to embark on university or college life

  
  
These days, education plays an important role. Attending colleges or universities is considered to be one of the most crucial decisions of a person's life. A university or college degree often helps a person to achieve his goal with more ease. There are several reasons why people decide to embark on university or college life.  
  
First of all, universities and colleges provide people an ideal learning environment to acquire knowledge and valuable skills irrespective of the fact that they may be available and accessible on the Internet so that they don't need teachers or books to get information. However, they may not make out whether it is essential for their studies or not. In universities and colleges, there are many qualified professors and lecturers, with abundant teaching experience who provide undergraduates with plenty of new knowledge and help them to solve their problem in their studies. By entering universities and colleges, students can develop their critical thinking which enables them to distinguish unnecessary information from useful information so that it becomes real knowledge. Besides, learners can develop fundamental skills namely communication, presentation, teamwork, problem-solving skills, etc. The universities and colleges are the perfect places which are designed and conceived to help students get through the learning process.  
  
The second reason why people decide to go to universities or colleges is that they will improve their opportunities of jobs and have better career preparation for the future. It can not be denied that academic qualifications are obligatory in certain professions. For instance, there are some jobs such as teacher, lawyer or doctor that people can not apply for if they don't have some relevant degrees. There is no doubt that the people who do have university or college degrees have much smaller chance of being jobless. Individuals who have only a high school diploma are employed solely in low-skilled fields. In addition, most college or universities dropouts will end up being undervalued by their employers and will end up being underpaid. Consequently, a university or college degree is a prerequisite for employment in the modern era.  
  
To sum up, people attend colleges or universities for many reasons and purposes such as having a good future job, gaining experience, and building up new relationships, etc. No matter what reasons they decide to attend colleges and universities for, studying in colleges or universities is a good investment in their future life.
"provide people **with** an ideal..."  
"to get information **from**"  
Let consider my sentence "Whereas, in universities and colleges, with the instruction of many qualified teachers and professors, who had abundant teaching experience, undergraduates are provided with plenty of new knowledge to tackle problems in their studies".  
  
"Who ~~do~~ have university or college degrees..." You only use this way of emphasis in the Speaking part.  
The summary: " ..., people may enroll in colleges and universities for different purposes.... No matter what their motivation is, studying....."  
Just some of my fix, please have a look at my essay 😉
## IELTS Task2 - Small Family Unit

  
  
**In many countries today, people in cities either live alone or in small family units, rather than in large, extended family groups. Is this a positive or negative trend?**  
  
Nowadays, it is a rising trend in many nations that urban residents live in small families instead of large families. In my point of view, this is a negative trend.  
  
In small family units, the benefit of large family network will disappear, which will have a negative impact on children care. When parents are busy for work, there are no relatives or grandparents to take care of children. Therefore, more and more people decide to hire a nanny, which might lead to some problems in society. One is that if parents hire an unqualified babysitter, children will be in a potential danger of child abuse, which is more often to be broadcast on news programs. The other one is that the relationship between parents and children will weaken due to the lack of time they spend together. Parents may not be able to notice the difficulties their kids' have met and gives assistance in time.  
  
The trend for one-person household might even lead to people's mental illness because of the lack of interpersonal interaction. Without friends or other family member living together, when a person meets problems, there is no one there to ask for help. Most of the time the only way they deal with boredness and anxiety might be turning to the internet or social media, which will gradually make people lose their ability to associate with others in the reality.  
  
In conclusion, I argue that there are more benefits for people to live in a large family so that it will be worrying if more people choose to live alone or in small family units.
@rivathh  
Hey there! This is quite an outdated post, however I will still try to provide you with a palatable review on this work.  
  
Firstly, I commend how straightforward the first paragraph is when it comes to laying on the ground all of the essential information that people should know with regards the topic. Keep this up! Most of my concerns are surrounding the body paragraph because of how overblown the content is. The second paragraph needs to have firmer and more understandable sense of direct. Notice how there's a lack of correlation between the first sentences and the latter portions of the text. Try your best to intertwine your thoughts from the beginning to the end to evade having to squeeze everything in a smaller chunk.  
  
The arguments that you placed in the third paragraph also need to be hammered down a lot more. Consider that you need to convince the readers about the nature of the written work.
*Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind bars.  
To what extend do you agree ?*  
  
## giving the second chance

  
  
Some sociologists opine that few lawbreakers, who have not committed serious crimes, ought to be assigned non remuneration social works while other people argue that it would be negative impact on social system, as there might be increase in the rate of crimes in communities. This essay agrees with the former view, since it may provide second chance for law offenders to start new life and benefits societies in many ways.  
  
Probably, lawbreakers may engage in social benefit activities, which tend to change their life in future. These wrongdoers can be assigned for helping downtrodden and disable people, as this may generate empathy and compassion and realize selfishness of their activity. One of the good examples can be cited in China, where young law offenders cook and serve to blind schools and old age homes. Overall motive is to provide a new opportunity to these criminals by teaching them new skills and changing narrative towards their life.  
  
Admittedly, these types of the activity benefits communities in numerous ways. It is commonly seen in many developed countries that less serious crimes, such as, traffic violations are penalized with social works like cleaning of streets and planting new trees. There will be fewer crimes and fewer burdens on law administration in future if other governments promote such type of approach towards law offenders in developing countries too.  
  
To conclude, in my opinion giving wrongdoers the second chance is not only good for society but provide new opportunity to criminals to start a new life. Although, some consider all criminals should be put behind bars for their crimes, in my view it is not good for social system and sustainable development in society.
@mathew123  
Hey!  
  
I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes beneficial for your learning and grasping of English. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to reach out to us once more.  
  
First and foremost, I suggest minimizing the number of interlinked sentences and/or phrases to cultivate a smoother sentence. This is essential, especially if we would review the first paragraph that you currently have. Remember that the goal is to relay the message rather than battle with any complexity that may accompany the writing.  
  
Furthermore, be cautious of small mistakes in the grammatical composition. This can be reflected not only with larger composition mistakes but also with your usage of tenses. Review your second paragraph for this reason.  
  
The last two paragraphs of the essay are well-composed. I would only suggest that your language needs to focus more on being critical rather than being oblivious to writing.  
  
Best of luck.
## the modern medicine and human life span

  
  
These days, the development of modern medical facilities have brought values to the world which enables people to lengthen their life span. Although this trend is not without disadvantages, the advantages will be more significant.  
  
Opponents of this trend would argue that living longer may bring some downsides. This may be true to some extent that increasing life expectancy may escalate the older population and they are a weight for society. This means that there would be a sum of money paid to take care of the elderly. Moreover, some of them consider that since they do not have plenty of time to look after their old parents, the issue of living longer might be difficult for these children.  
  
However, the merits of improved medical care obviously outweigh than its drawbacks. First, there is no denying that thanks to the advanced of medical aids, the health of society might be reinforced. This means people could pay to enjoy the benefits of medical care in case they suffer from diseases. Secondly, it is clear to say that owing to advanced medical facilities, humans might have health check-ups on a regular basis. Without it, it would be hard for people to be diagnosed with diseases; therefore, they might be prone to be involved in diseases soon and more seriously and cannot prepare a proper plan to treat these problems. Thus, high-grade medical care would support people to stay more healthy and extend life span.  
  
In conclusion, although advanced medical aids are considered to have both pros and cons, I strongly believe that the values it brings to human are more remarkable than its disadvantages. Only by developing medical care could human live longer, healthily and happily.
@Trieu Duong  
Hey, welcome to the forum. I hope that you learn something from this essay for your future endeavors. If you do, don't hesitate to approach us for more information.  
  
Firstly, the initial portions of the content need to be structured a lot more. While you had an introductory paragraph, the concrete thesis statement needs to be highlighted in the writing. If you are unable to do so, it would drastically impact your written work, considering that you should emphasize on these values a lot more.  
  
The second portion of the essay is well-done, I would say. You had integrated a sophisticated and yet step-by-step formatting in explaining the major thesis statement. What I would suggest would be to add more concrete examples here to add more substance to your writing.  
  
Conclusion needs a bit more substance as well. The first sentence appears to be rather stretched out thinly without having a proper direction of the content.
***In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they want.***  
## To what extent should children have to follow rules?

  
  
Nowadays, the development of the information technology has governed almost every aspect of our life. While some people take a view that traditional teaching plays a significant role in students' achievement, I strongly believe learners can obtain more knowledge through on-screen resources such as the Internet.  
  
It is obvious that the global data system in terms of social networking or mobile devices have brought about a great deal of knowledge, raging from workaday concerns to globally urgent issues such as economy or greenhouse gases, the list is simply endless. For example, a man is going to have a speech about historical subject next week, but he has no idea. Thanks to the usefulness of the information available, he can get access to a wealth of material and find almost anything he wishes through Google. In fact, theoretical school curriculum is bound to prevent students from realizing their great individual potential. In addition, the needs and learning styles of each student are fundamentally different that a standardized curriculum cannot meet.  
  
Let us now go back to the controversial topic. Most supporters of teachers-read-and-students-write method would argue that the presence of qualified teachers is of profound importance in helping learners acquire knowledge. However, according to statistics, there are approximately 43.5 percent of Vietnamese students become alienated and bored by traditional teaching ways. In stark contrast, digital learning tools give students opportunities to regulate great learning habits and make education more productive. Moreover, going online to study provides a more visual and lively experience for self-learners of all ages by uniting not only pictorial contents but also audio scripts.  
  
To conclude, in the context of The Fourth Industrial Revolution, teachers are no longer the only guidance for students. Again, I strongly believe that self-motivated learners can obtain far more knowledge from cyber-resources and customize the wide range of materials to fit their interests and learning styles.
Hello  
  
I have some suggestions for you. Firstly, it seems that the question and the content of your essay cannot be matched. What the question asks is whether should parents let children develop freely or set strict rules on them, mostly concerning with the impact of rules on their behaviours. However, your essay is mainly talking about the advantage of on-screen resources. For me, it is a little out of topic. Secondly, I think you can still improve the structure of your essay. In the second paragraph, the point is good, but there is no topic sentence in the beginning. For writing Ielts essay, maybe it is better to write some phrases to remind readers the statement like the major rationale for, the advantage of, so it would not take readers too much time to guess what you want to say and it is easier to follow your ideas. Also, I believe it is better to make your point of view more accessible, especially in the third paragraph, since some uses of adverbs at the beginning of sentences only make me feel more confused.  
  
Despite the suggestions above, I reckon that you have a fairly wide range of vocabulary and are able to use a variety of sentences. Therefore, after revising some problems mentioned, I believe it would be a good essay.  
  
Hope my suggestions are helpful for you.
## books purchased during the 10 years period

  
  
The given line graph provides information about how much paid for books in four distinct nations over a period of 10 years.  
  
As can be seen from the graph, the number of paid for books in each place showed a significant change over the year. The quantity of money spent on books in Germany, Italy and Australia varied among them. The figure for Germany always accounted for the highest number in 2005.  
  
Moving to 1995 and 2001, these number experience fluctuations. The number of fees spent on books both Australia and Germany were the same which slightly increased with the figure standing at 10 million dollars. The number of the price paid on books in France only as half part number' raise as these two countries. Whereas, the statistics of fee which was used to buy books in Italy altered. This line witnessed hit a low at 50 million dollars and reached a peak just by half of 10 million. From 1999 to 2001, the total of money spent on books in Australia reached a plateau at 40 million dollars. The opposite was true for the number of fees in France and Italy, which slow growth up. There was no change in the figure of money paid on books in Germany.  
  
Over a period of 4 years, from 2001 to 2005, the quantity of price in Australia experience a constant increased by 30 million dollars, 3 times larger than 4 years ago. According to the money spent on books, over 95 million dollars was currently Germany by 2005, more than 1.5 times higher than in 2001. A gradual increase was seen in the figure of France and Italy.