dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*Thank you for your advice, Holt. I revised my essay as follow:*  
  
The diagram illustrates the process of collecting and treating rainwater so that it can be used as drinking water in households of a community in Australia. Generally, rainwater is collected through a gutter and drain system. It is then filtered and treated using chemicals and distributed to each family as drinking water through pipes.  
  
Each house in the town has gutters installed to its roof. Those gutters are connected with a pipe along the side of each house. All the pipes are connected to a drain underneath. When it rains, rainwater from the roofs is collected into the gutters. It follows the gutters to the pipes and goes down to the drain below.  
  
From the drain, water runs through a filter so that impurities are removed. After being purified, it is put into a storage tank. From this tank, it is brought to the treatment system via a pipe. Here, cleaning additives are used to process rainwater one more time and the output is drinkable water. This final product is distributed to each household for consumption via another tube system.  
  
*Is there any other problem should I pay attention to? I still feel it a little bit wordy and somewhat repetitive as I am not very strong in using synonyms and adhesive devices. Is that a problem that I should work on?*
Do not over analyze the essay. Learn how to summarize sets of information in the presentation to avoid being wordy. You do not need to individually explain how the gutter is attached to the homes. Simply indicate that the rainwater passes through a series of home gutters or rain flow pipes attached to home roofs. The synonyms will come from your existing array of English vocabulary. If you want to improve that aspect of your writing, then you have to avoid reading materials that are not in English. Only by familiarizing yourself thoroughly with how the English speakers form their words and sentences will you be able to learn how to use synonyms properly. Reading English news reports can help you somewhat achieve that task. Building your vocabulary to an advanced level is the key to properly working on the task 1 essay. That is because this is a data reporting essay which means academic words and accurate word usage is of vital importance to the analysis you will be presenting. You still have singular - plural formation problems in the essay. Look at the diagram, everything is in plural form. Pipes, not pipe.
## Isolating teens during the night time

  
  
In some areas of the US, a 'curfew' is imposed, in which teenagers are not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult.  
  
What is your opinion about this?  
  
A curfew has been imposed in some parts of the US, according to which a teenager should always be accompanied by an adult outside their home after a particular time at night. I somewhat agree with this change and will be discussing this further.  
  
During their teenage years, children are very eager to explore the outside world and are very susceptible to influence from social media. They might witness elder siblings and fictional characters on TV going out at night, partying and drinking alcohol and having fun. This can lead to teenagers sneaking out alone at night and indulging in under-age alcohol consumption which may have adverse effects on their health.  
  
Secondly, it is very dangerous to venture out at night due to the high crime rate. Young teens can fall easy prey to robbers, muggers and other criminals. The presence of an adult ensures they will be kept safe and stay out of trouble.  
  
However, there are some drawbacks to this curfew as well. We want children to understand their responsibilities from a young age. To this effect, in many states children can start working at age 14, apply for a driving licence at age 16 and even get married when they turn 18. Keeping this in mind it would be contradictory to then impose a curfew on teenagers going out alone at night.  
  
In my opinion, imposing a curfew is a step in the right direction. I first hand experience my friend rebelling against his parents at a young age and going out unsupervised at night. He fell in with the wrong crowd, started drink alcohol, using drugs, dropped out of school and ultimately ended up in jail. I believe this could have been avoided if there was a law enforcing the presence of an adult with teenagers after a particular time at night.  
  
I would like to conclude by saying that teenagers need a role-model when they are growing up. Even though they need to be taught responsibility, there is no reason for them not be supervised and kept safe from the bad elements of our society during night time.
You have not properly formed your response to the question. This is not an Agree/Disagree discussion. This is a direct opinion essay that requires an expanded response in the prompt restatement. You also did not replace enough words from the original to convince the examiner that you did not just cut and paste the said phrases / sentences from the original. Always change the keywords in the original essay so that you can score better under the LR considerations.  
  
Cut and paste references are:  
- accompanied by an adult.  
- In some areas of the US, a 'curfew' is imposed,  
  
Possible replacement phrases are:  
- In the company of an older companion / with an older companion / in the presence of an adult  
- The US implements a time limit / limits the night time exposure / allots a time allowance for out door activities  
  
The opinion question is: What is your opinion? Therefore, you must indicate a clear thought consideration for your discussion such as:  
- Curfew for adolescents has benefits  
- Due to the current safety climate, there is a sense of logic to limiting the evening activities of the youth  
- Limiting the outdoor time based activities of youngsters has negative effects.  
- Considering two factors, there may be problems with this scenario.  
  
The Task 2 essay is always limited to 5 paragraphs at the most. Your essay does not follow the personal opinion format. The personal opinion should be the second paragraph or first reasoning paragraph. That is because you have to directly explain your opinion immediately. It should not wait till the very end because it will not be responding to the question as expected. So the format should be:  
  
-Paraphrase  
-Opinion  
-Example paragraph  
-Discussion summary / conclusion  
  
You cannot say you have first hand experience if it is your friend who underwent the scenario. You should instead refer to second person pronouns in that section. Clearly refer to this as the experience of your friend that you will be narrating.  
  
- I witnessed how my friend would have benefited from having a curfew in place... He rebelled...
## the most advantageous tool

  
  
Our quality of life is gradually becoming better and better by the help of such technological advices. One of the most paramount advances is smartphone. Athough it is thought by some people to have a nagative impact on our lives , its considerable benefits can not be denied.  
  
First of all, smartphone helps us to connect with the world outside. The reason why people are attracted by smartphone is that social media are already on this device. With the internet connection, it's possible for us to chat or even video call with people, which is much more vivid than normal boring phones just for calling. Moreover, we can post our memorable photos, tell people our stories or even record our daily habits, hobbies and share it with billions of people.  
  
Secondly, by using smartphone,we can satisfy our thirsty for knowledge. The greatest feature of smartphone is search tool. It gives us a notice of the hottest issues such as pandemic virus, conflict among countries,etc through thowsands of up-to-date news. Just sitting at home, we can know everything happening on this planet. Additionally, search tool makes it possible for us to approach enormous repositories which contain thowsands of research, e-books, academic materials. It's not exaggerated to say with smartphone we have an access to human beings' experiences, knowledge which have been accumulated for many millenniums.  
  
In conclusion, everything has its downside. If we know how to use smartphone wisely, we have the most advantageous tool to help us grow and develop ourshelves.
advices => advances  
advances ~~is~~ in the smartphone  
Although  
have a ~~nagative~~ impact on our lives => to harm our lives  
First of all, ~~smartphone~~  => the smartphone or a smartphone  
attracted by ~~smartphone~~ => the smartphone or a smartphone  
us to chat or even video ~~call~~ => s to chat or even video calls  
we can satisfy our thirst~~y~~  
the smartphone is ~~search~~ => the search or a search  
thousands of  
which ~~have~~ has been accumulated  
has ~~its~~ a downside
Kindly remember to post the prompt or other discussion instructions along with your essay next time. It is difficult to review the essay because of the missing writing instructions. For now, only a general review of your grammar can be provided.  
  
Try to write more than just the minimum word count. 275 words would be a better word count for your essay as opposed to 251. The examiner will need to have more samples of your writing style and expression in order to better judge your ability to write in the English language. Right now, you are not writing to your full capacity because you are limiting your writing presentation in terms of your thought process and ability to form sentences / paragraphs. Anyway, you have written enough for me to see some of the early errors in your work.  
  
There are several spelling errors in your work, most of which have already been dealt with by the other users at this forum. So I will move on to other aspects for review in your work.  
  
You are trying to use common English expressions in your work but it does not come across as natural because you are not properly forming the phrases:  
  
- we have an access to = we have access to  
- can not = cannot (negative form of can)  
  
Let us also consider your formal language presentation errors:  
- The reason why = The reason  
- It's = It is (contractions are avoided in academic writing)  
  
Your conclusion does not represent a discussion recap. Therefore, it is not format compliant with regards to the required elements of a concluding paragraph:  
- Topic restatement  
- Opinion  
- Reason  
- Closing sentence
## what counts in business is Money

  
  
For many years, businesses have operated under the assumption that money is the main driving force for product and dedicate to the community. According to my point of view, there are many benefits of pursue wealth as well as get achievement.  
  
On the one hand, most of us think that people are obsessed with money. However, the reality is that they are obsessed with success, not money. Money is only a measure for the rich to know if they have achieved their goals or not. For example, once a year, Forbes - an American business magazine announces the ranking of the World's Billionaires. It is better that business owners try hard to get knowledge of business, State budget increased due to tax from the enterprise. As a result, the continuous learning helps that the society is more developed and people can enhance their relationships.  
  
Apart from that, people who is more wealthy, takes more responsibilities for standing still. So that the quality of each production ,which their business own, have to guarantee. Any product that is offered for sale on the market contains a certain value of use, products of the same type but manufactured from different businesses will have different quality. When customers know the quality of a company's products and believe in this quality, they will buy from them. At the same time, quality will attract long-term and sustainable customers and make customers loyal to the goods and products of the business. In conclusion, pursue wealth make the business owners pay attention to their productions.  
  
All in all, I think that the pursuit wealth is a positive development.
@Rose20  
  
From your introduction, I understood that you are going to present the benefit of pursuing wealth. However, in your first body paragraph, I got confused when I read your begining as I didn't know what your main topic in this paragraph is so I suggest you put your topic sentence at the begining so it is easier to follow. One more thing is that I can't get how your example prove your idea so i think if you give some more explanation it will be better.  
  
In your second paragraph, you used the phrase " standing still" which I understood as "do not move or make any progress". I recommend revising this phrase to make your idea clearer.
Hello everyone;  
  
I'm new in this wonderful forum. Kindly assess my essay and say if I can get 6.5 in writing section.  
  
***Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems.  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?***  
  
While people tend towards the viewpoint that living in a country which is adopting a foreign language may create to one's habits major problems in socially and practically aspects. I completely disagree with this opinion and think that living with people who speak another language than my own is a big challenge to take up.  
  
First of all, I believe that the fact to be obliged to speak a foreign language is a great opportunity of learning and raising new challenges. If someone is socializing with native speakers of another language and had the determination to acquire new skills, this person will get the chance to talk with others by using this language in a short time. For example, a lot of people are able to communicate several languages in parallel not because they pursued courses at university but because they spent a huge periode with speakers of these languages. That's why it is important to live in a country where a foreign language is required.  
  
Secondly, mastering another language is a postive added value for career growth. In other words, there is a strong relation between the number of languages we speak and our future career prospects. People who excel in the most spoken languages in the world are likely to find jobs easily. For instance, my brother who masters english very well was enable to get a job in his country. And after enduring years of ups and downs, he found the position of his dreams in Unites States. Thus, advantage of being forced to speak another language in the country we live outweigh the drawback of social and practical aspects of this matter in long-term perspective.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that living in a country where it is compulsory to speak another language is more beneficial than other problems we may encounter because it gives great opportunities of growth and big challenges to raise.
@Learner\_english1  
  
I can see that you have fairly good grammar and your essay structure is quite clear. However, you should learn more about word collocation and further improve your vocabulary. The parts that I recommend you to revise are:  
  
- Your introduction: The paraphrasing of the topic is not accurate. "While people tend... -> Many people think that" just use a clear and simple phrase to express your ideas.You altered the meaning of the topic by saying "country which is adopting a foreign language" it means in those countries, English is not a native language but they adopt it and use it as an official one (like India or Singapore) while the topic is "living in a country where...". "may create to one's habit" is meaningless. Try to use simple language that you understand well.  
  
- Please note that this is an opinion essay so your main body paragraphs should focus on explaining the reasons why you disagree with the statement and each paragraph should focus on a central topic. You ended your second body paragraph with a sentence that is unrelated to the central idea and you may be marked down because of this. Similarly, your conclusion did not well summarized your ideas. It is like the conclusion of an advantages/disadvantages essay.
Hi everybody, I'm newbie. Please help me to improve this essay! Thank you so much!  
  
***Environmental protection is the responsibility of politicians, not individuals as individuals can do little.  
## Agree or disagree?***  
  
Some people think that the conservation of environment is what politicians have to do, not individuals, because the contribution of individuals is considered quite small and insignificant . I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement that everybody have the same responsibility in environmental protection. In this following essay, I will shed light on this notion and give my point of view.  
  
Politicians definitely play an important role in the environmental conservation, but they are not all. Most people who active in party politics have more experiences and worth words than citizens. Thus, they have several glaring responsibilities that finding problems and encouraging everyone to do it together in various ways such as through the press or television. For instance, in the internet era, when the government found the cause of environmental pollution that came from using plastics, they can boost citizens that limit the use of plastic straws and plastic food wraps through social networking sites.  
  
It is absurd to believe that the pollution of environment will go away with only the influence of politicians, while the citizen is the core force who decides whether or not it will succeed. First, people's awareness is the biggest influence on the success of environmental protection campaign. Some coffee shops has changed to using rice straws or grass straws that are environmentally friendly although the plastic straw is more economical, for example. Subsequently, politicians are only a small part of the total population.  
  
In conclusion, both of politicians and individuals have the same responsibility in environmental protection. Although the burden of politicians is more remarkable, the citizen also has a tremendous contribution and cannot be denied. The environment will not be poisoned and the global warming will not be severe if people do not continuously destroy them.  
  
**(292 words)**
You need to avoid run - on sentences. It makes the sentence presentation difficult to understand. You also should avoid simply saying what you will discuss in favor of outlining your discussion. You must also make sure that you directly respond to the question being asked. So, an alternative presentation for the paraphrase is:  
  
*The safe keeping of the environment is seen by most people as a duty solely belonging to the government. The reason for their thinking is that as human beings cannot do enough to safeguard our natural habitat. I wholeheartedly disagree with this belief based on two reasons: the socially responsible people want to help the environment and, people can have a tremendous influence on others when it comes to protecting our surroundings.*  
  
You need to be careful with your word choices. Your LR score will receive deductions with every wrong word that you use in your presentation. The vocabulary is important. The wrong word usage will create confusion in your presentation and affect your C&C score. Take for example, the following presentation:  
  
Most people who active in party politics have more experiences and worth words than citizens.  
  
I am very sure that you meant to say "worth" not "words". Worth indicates the value of something such as the experience of citizens. Words, are just that, words. descriptions. It has nothing to do with the power of people to effect change.  
  
Your essay is choppy in terms of content. It doesn't really make sense towards the end because you either suddenly include information without using a transition presentation or, you include an idea without an explanation. This created a confusing paragraph presentation. The result? A lower C&C and GRA score.  
  
This is not the kind of essay that will get a passing score. Maybe you have the ability to improve your writing skills and written presentation over time. I cannot be sure of that at the moment. I will only be able to tell after assessing several of your upcoming essays. I hope to read those soon.
**## The best way to reduce youth crimes is to teach their parents parental skills.

  
*To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Many experts have proposed solutions to tackle an alarming crime rate among the teenagers. While equipping the parents with parenting techniques is an useful way, I disagree that it would represent the best way to mitigate this phenomenom.  
  
Several reasons can explain why it is of great importance to train parental skills for fathers and mothers. To begin with, juvenile delinquency is closely associated with parents' care to their children. Because of lack of social conscience, children find it intricate to distinguish the right or the wrong as well as modifying behaviors to be appropriate. Without timely guidance and frequent observation of parents, those adolescents, therefore, can fell prey to youth crimes. Secondly, parents are, intentionally or unintentionally, the models that children are likely to follow. In fact, children tend to unconsciously imitate words and actions of adults whether they are good or bad. For example, the recent research about mental health of children shows that child who is exposed to severe, long-term and ongoing conflict between parents can become aggressive, hostile and have a thought of using violence as a method to solve problems. All of which are primary contributors to crimes at young age.  
  
However, education at home alone is not enough on the grounds that children nowadays spend largest amount of time at school, therefore they are also being influenced by teachers and peers. From this fact, I argue that there are more effective ways to deal with this phenomenon. In terms of teachers, they should introduce education about the consequences one may face when committing an offence in the school curriculum . Practical lessons through the images and videos about harsher prison sentences and torment of offenders about criminal actions will engrave in students' mind and prevent them from embarking on a life of crime. In terms of friends, encouragement of peers are necessary for potential juvenile delinquents to cherish value of knowledge and education rather hanging out with wrong crowd.  
  
In conclusion, although enhancing skills to educate children at home would be a welcome measure, more effective steps are required to taken simultaneously to curb juvenile offences.