dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Question  
  
**Many museums charge for admission while others are free.  
Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
My answer  
  
Should museums charge for admission  
  
It is controversial that whether museums should be freely open to public - some of them already do, while others do not. In my own opinion, having museums that are free of charge always comes with a lot of benefits.  
  
Firstly, museums always play an important role in not only managing the collections but also educating people, especially the young students, who can hardly afford the tickets. As an art student myself, there has always been mesmerizing experiences for me to visit museums where I got inspiration and motivation. It would be a heavy burden to go to museums with admission charge every week, for many students just like me.  
  
Furthermore, free museums may seem much more accessible to the public when many people still don't have the habits to visit art exhibits regularly and don't know why they should pay for them. Unless the museum is known by everyone and praised everywhere, charging from people would greatly reduce its attractiveness to most of the public, and thus making itself harder to survive without support from the society.  
  
Someone may argue that the funds from visitors are important for museums to obtain and maintain. However, the problem could be more easily solved by demanding more financial help from charities and the governments. In conclusion, there are much more advantages than disadvantages, for both the public and the museums, to have free admission for visiting.
Jiawen, your paraphrasing of the prompt requirements is misrepresenting the original intent of the writer and also, incomplete in presentation. There is no controversy regarding this discussion and yet, there seems to be a trend among the Chinese students towards "sensationalizing" the prompt requirements. These are academic discussions. There may be debates but not controversies. It is important that you reflect the original sentiment and intent of the writer. A good paraphrase is one that does not alter the original message of the previous writer but merely, relays it using the most accurate methods possible. Take for example the method by which I paraphrased this prompt:  
  
*There are a number of museums that charge admission fees from its visitors. Then there are some museums that allow "free of charge" admission to those that wish to see their exhibits. Some people believe that there are advantages to the charging of museum entrance fees and that these negate the disadvantages it may pose to the visitors. In this essay, I will discuss whether charging admission fees have more advantages than disadvantages for the museum itself and its visitors.*  
  
Notice the sense of analysis regarding the instructions and topic for discussion? These are the elements that the examiner will be looking for in the paraphrased opening statement. This type of presentation allows you the opportunity to show off your English comprehension skills, which in turn, increases your Task Accuracy score. Once you get a high TA score, the rest of the scores will normally match that as well.  
  
The essay that you wrote is incomplete because all you have are body paragraphs after the inaccurate paraphrasing that you presented. What is missing in the essay is the concluding statement. The wrap up of the discussion normally found in the 5th paragraph is not represented in this essay. Therefore, in terms of TA, you will be losing major points.  
  
Your discussion is sound and relevant. I will accept these are being highly analytical of the issue and proof of your English comprehension skills to a certain extent. I hope that you can expand these skills towards the problem points that I pointed out in the earlier part of my observation. Do that and you are guaranteed to pass the test.
***Food can be produced cheaper if we use improved fertilizers and better machinery. However, some methods are dangerous for humans health, and have negative effects for local communities. Your opinion?***  
  
## improved fertilizers and better machinery

  
  
Nowadays, with the help of advanced technology, scientists have discovered numerous methodologies that are widely applied in the food production. Some methods are effective while others put humans health in danger. In my opinion, I agree that modern machinery brings more benefits than disadvantages.  
  
On the one hand, by using upgraded fertilizers and machines, the cost of food production can be reduced significantly. In agriculture, high-quality fertilizers enable farmers to harvest better yields while poor-quality crops require additional money for the improvement of spoiled seeds and plants. In addition, the food production will be economical when using developed machines. Backward machines can be broken and out of order anytime, which means extra expenditure should be spent to ameliorate them. Another problem occurs in manufacturing is that the whole process must be delayed due to the shortage of machines in the production chain. As a result, more employees are hired to meet the deadlines and factories have to spend more money on staffs.  
  
On the other hand, dangerous methodologies can be harmful to people's heath and have an adverse impact on the local communities. Not many farmers have the thorough knowledge about the systems they utilize, as a result, they do not know how to protect themselves from any dangers that may occur. Many fertilizers give off poisonous stream of air, which can eventually cause lung cancer, however, farmers usually ignore this. Using electric equipment in fishing is another effective method, yet fatal. This practice not only causes extreme risk for the farmers but also affects the environment. Local citizens who are exposed to the smoke released into the air by factories nearby are also badly affected.  
  
In conclusion, I agree that the cost of food production can be reduced by using improved fertilizers and machinery. Although there are some negatives, if the farmers and workers can make the best use of them, the benefits they offer outweigh the drawbacks.
Thu, in an IELTS Task 2 Essay, your personal opinion, though required by the prompt, is not to be given in the opening statement. This is a common mistake that most first timers make because of their eagerness to show off their English skills. The problem with placing your personal opinion sentence in the opening statement is that it requires an immediate follow up explanation. Since you are limited to only 5 sentences per paragraph, it is not advisable to start a discussion in the opening statement that cannot be completed there. So save the personal opinion for presentation in the next paragraph. Instead, close the opening statement with, "My personal opinion regarding this matter will be discussed in the succeeding paragraphs.". That acknowledges the prompt instruction for the discussion and also strongly closes that paragraph.  
  
Next, since this paper is all about your personal opinion and nothing else, make sure that it is known from the very start of the 2nd paragraph by indicating, "Personally, I believe that..." Always use use the first person pronouns in the essay in order to keep the ownership of all the statements. Also, refrain from trying to discuss too many reasons in one paragraph. That leaves you with hanging sentences since you cannot complete multiple discussions in one paragraph. The examiner expects to read only one fully developed paragraph. Take advantage of that simple expectation by developing the heck out of that reason in that paragraph. You are guaranteed a higher score that way.  
  
Finally, we come to the conclusion. You must always use this portion to summarize the content of the essay you wrote for the benefit of the reader. It serves as a reminder of the topic and the outcome of your personal opinion. Nothing more, nothing less. The presentation of new ideas or facts, as you did here, means that the discussion is not over, even if you did say "In conclusion", because you need to further develop the ideas that you just presented. Ergo, it is not an ending but a continuation of the discussion. When you say "In conclusion", you have to do exactly that. Conclude the statement.
Q: **Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
## early start advantage of learning a foreign language

  
  
Whether children should have began a second languages in their earlier ages or not has been widely debated. Some people think it is positive, whereas others consider it is not essential for them to start in the primary school. Even though I have a tendency to believe in the former idea, negative and positive outcomes of both side, with my own insight will be elaborated in this essay.  
  
First and foremost, cultivating children's interest in learning second language would be the main reason for advocates. Since elementary teachers tend to teach students by playing games, students have a opportunity of acqire the languages and makes them focus on it. Acquiring the languages by games reduces their pressure and also naturally inspire their motivation to learn un-mother tongue.  
  
Earlier access to the different languages aid students to have much more times to get used to it. As most students deplete their whole strengths to study other academic disciplines in junior high school, they might not pay much attention and energy in learning one particular subject. Thus students probably think it is a pressure for emphasizing on learning foreign languages. Therefore, starting to utilize a second languages in primary school benefits children to have sufficient time for learning foreign language.  
  
There are still others hold a contradictory respective. They thought teachers in primary school do not have excellent skills in the languages field. Students will have different levels of languages capacity for receiving far different informations from their respective teachers. On the other hand, the resulting causes a large range of students' abilities and makes subsequent teacher have a trouble in manipulating all the students, while the policy could regulate the outcome.  
  
People stands for their opinion as they think plenty of advantages of both arguments are beneficial to children. While either insights have their worthy support parts, I believe earlier learning second language advantages has more than its drawbacks.
Lucy, this essay is very confusing to read. You failed to properly paraphrase the prompt requirements in the opening sentence and then you proceeded to create explanations that do not have a clear point to make. It is a very weak essay that uses improper English terms (there is no such term as "un-mother tongue"), has tremendous problems with grammar structure and sentence development, and also punctuation errors (when showing ownership the apostrophe comes before the S as in "student's" if you mean the plural form, then no apostrophe is required). You need to recall your word formation rules such as when to use "a" and "an" before a word (Hint: It has to do with consonants and vowels).  
  
My main concern here is the fact that you did not understand the prompt requirements. Using controversial terms like "heated debate" when nothing of the sort is spoken of in the text makes it seem like you are sensationalizing the essay for the sake of the lexical resource score. Do not do that. Be academic at all times. You are not writing for a paparazzi newspaper. You are writing for an academic thinker. So do not use terms that are not implied in the original prompt. Here an example of a proper paraphrasing for this essay:  
  
*Experts are divided on the issue of foreign language learning. Some experts, believe that it would be best for students to learn a foreign language as early as primary school. Others, believe that the teaching of a secondary language should be delayed until high school. This essay will compare the scenarios for both types of language learning and compare whether or not foreign language learning either in primary or secondary school has more advantages then disadvantages.*  
  
Since the prompt did not require you to state a personal opinion, there was no need for you to do so. It is considered a prompt deviation for which you will be scored down. Just stick to the discussion of the material based on the instructions provided.
## Causes of land degradation

  
  
The pie chart below shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive. The table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during the 1990s. Summarize the in formation by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
The graph illustrates how the land using for agricultural convert to degradation and less effective, while the table compares the propotion of land which degraded in three areas, including: North America, Europe and Oceania.  
  
Overall, it can be seem that Over-grazing and deforestation are major reason for the degradation of soil. Whereas the largest rate of land degradation belongs to Europe.  
  
In the pie chart, Agicultutal is the most effect on land. Over-grazing account the largest part with 35%. Follow by that, in second position, deforestation also distribution for the degradation with 30%. Besides, other reason is Over-cultivation, this rate gain to 28% in total. Other part which unknow up to 7%.  
  
The most porpotion of land degradation is owned by Europe, this areas constitude 23% of total land degradation, including: 9.8% of deforestation, 7,7% of over-cultivation and 5.5% about over-grazing. While this rate in North America is lower , only 5% with 0.2%, 3.3% and 1.5%. Althrough, Oceania has 13% of degradation but this rate of land degradation just about 1,7 % of deforestation and 11,3% of over-grazing.  
  
*
@kjra178  
I'm not a professional, but in my opinion :  
1) Paragraph 2 and 3 can combine as one.  
2) Paragraph 3 => In the pie chart, ...... Other part which unknow up to 7%. =>  
The pie chart present four reasons, Over-grazing account the largest part with 35%, Deforestation made 30% to be second, Over-cultivation as third with 28%, plus other reason hold 7%, they all made agricultural that destructive to the land.  
  
3) Overall, haven't make comparisons where relevant.  
  
It just my opinion. You can ignore it if you think it is useless. :)
@kjra178  
I would like to add some points.  
1. Over-grazing account the largest part ~~with~~ for 35%.  
2. Other part ~~which~~ unknow is up to 7%.  
  
Here is the paragraph I describe for the pie chart.  
  
In the pie chart, there are three main causes resulting in land degradation. Over-grazing is the largest proportion among all, accounting for 35%. Follow by that, deforestation is the second one, with 30% and 28% of this problem results from over-cultivation. The rest is other reasons at 7%.  
  
The paragraph above is just my writing, I am not sure if this will help you a lot, but just a share.  
Good luck to you on the exam:)
@kjra178  
Here is the paragraph I describe for the pie chart.  
  
In the pie chart, there are three main causes resulting in land degradation. Over-grazing is the largest proportion among all, accounting for 35%. Follow by that, deforestation is the second one, with 30% and 28% of this problem results from over-cultivation. The rest is other reasons at 7%.  
  
The paragraph above is just my writing, I am not sure if this will help you a lot, but just a share.  
Good luck to you on the exam:)
@kjra178 This is an essay that shows how little effort you put into perfecting the presentation of your paper. There are numerous spelling and grammatical errors strewn throughout the essay that you failed to edit and proof-read either due to lack of time or worse, you just did not care to double check yourself. These mistakes in grammar, (such as spelling Agricultural as agicultutal). You are capitalizing words that are not proper nouns in the middle of sentences and failing to make any sense in some sentences that you wrote. Specifically, in the first sentence of the first paragraph.  
  
There is a lack of proper sentence structure and development in that sentence so I really cannot understand what it is that you are trying to say there. The outline summary is also incomplete as it does not include a paraphrase of the original prompt instructions for the discussion. Basically, you are looking at severely low scores in the LR and GRA section of the scoring process. The TA may not score highly either because of the problem with your summary presentation.  
  
Overall, the examiner will take a look at this essay and have only one opinion of you that will affect your final score, you just did not care to pass the exam, which is why all of these mistakes abound in your work.
## we live more comfortable life today

  
  
As many shifts have been going on quickly in many fields nowadays, there has been strong debates whether life is more comfortable or easier these days compared to when our grandparents were young. Some people mention that modern society has several disadvantages such as air pollution, increasing crime, and etc. However, I disagree with this argument because life became better and more convenient these days rather than when grandparents were in childhood.  
  
To begin with, our generation has high accessibility to information, which leads us to gain any kind of information easily. To be specific, with the advent of the internet, most people nowadays can search whatever they wonder. In addition, the process to find the source is really convenient since we can access any information with few clicks on smartphone or PC. On the other hands, our grandparents had only a few sources to get information. There were few opportunities to gain knowledge since those people rely on limited libraries or books. In terms of accessibility to knowledge, our life is much easier and more comfortable than the past.  
  
In addition, there have been innovative devices which replace boring or hard works like laundry, cleaning, or complicated tasks. For instance, we do not spend lots of time washing our cloth since laundry machine serve entire laundry service. Also, a robot for cleaning operates to clean whole house while we are outside of a house. And, no one needs to be under stress to calculate complicated budget planning due to a computer. Those changes are not too far future but realistic in our generation, therefore, we do not have to waste our time doing troublesome works. Instead, we can concentrate on what matters to our life. On the contrary, our grandparent's generation usually spent lots of time doing these chores. Considering benefit we have in a modern era, our life is much more comfortable than the past.  
  
To wrap up, advanced accessibility effectively leads our lives easier to gain information and advents of useful devices reduce unnecessary working time and provide us with a lot comfort. In other words, our generation people are accessible to any kind of information easier than the last generation and gain many benefits from advanced technologies resulting in more comfortable life rather than previous life by reducing boring works. These are the mains reasons why I support the argument that our life is more comfortable and easier these days compared to the time grandparents lived in.
grammer mistakes:  
1.there has been strong debates-->have;  
2.life became better and more convenient these days rather than when grandparents were in childhood-->use "than" to place "rather than", because you want to compare right?  
  
3. laundry machine serve-->serves  
  
suggestion:  
1.The last sentence in the fourth paragraph, "Considering benefit we have in a modern era, our life is much more comfortable than the past.", I think that you can use words "convenient devises" to replace "benefit", kind of strengthening your points.  
  
2. The second sentence in the last paragraph, I think a little unnecessary. From my perspective, the first sentence plus the last one are enough.
Matthew, first of all, please make sure that you post the essay for review in the correct forum. You posted this in the scholarship section and since it does not belong in this part of the forum, you risk having the admin delete this post and the entire thread along with it. Just as when you take the actual TOEFL test, you will need to follow specific instructions or fail the test. I strongly suggest that you practice that skill here in order to make sure you are capable of following instructions in the proper manner.  
  
As for your essay, I wish you had posted the actual prompt along with your essay. I do not have the time to go searching for the prompt requirements just so I can properly assess and review your essay. That is your job. Without it, you know I cannot guide you with regards to your problem points. Kindly make sure to always post the prompt with the essay each time so that I don't have to waste my time reminding you to do that. Thank you.  
  
Now, for the essay that you wrote. It is informative. It showcases the knowledge that you have regarding the growing up years of our grandparents as opposed to ours. The problem, is that you have spent one whole paragraph only partially discussing the benefits of our life over our grandparents. The proper discussion (if allowed by the original prompt) would have been to first, represent the life of our grandparents in a complete paragraph presentation, then second, present how our lives are much better because of technology in the second paragraph. That way, the concluding discussion would have had a better focus that did not beat around the bush so much in terms of presentation. A direct approach is always best when writing time constraint essays. The more direct your sentences, the more complex they become, the more impressive they are to read. Try to avoid writing so many run-on sentences as you do in this essay. Keep it short but informative. We don't need long and boring. We need short and interesting.