dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
you're writing is not full chaotic, such as you used several correct grammar and you wrote more than 250 words at least. on the other hand, you have many paragraphs, and you have to have minimum 3 sentences for one paragraph actually. your main ideas each paragraph is not clear, even more your introduction is abstruse. make it clear with opening information from your essay. the last, in your conclusion is not describe all of your essay and you have to give well-suggestion in your closing statement. so that, your essay will be more utilize buddy.  
  
okay, I hope it help.
**We lived in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings with it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweighs the advantages. To what extent do you agree.**  
  
## cyber control and security issues

  
  
Some suggest that cyber control and security issues outweighed the advantages as the world that we live in is surrounded by technology. In my opinion, I completely agree that control and security of the internet problems. Such as handling sensitive military information are significant than any advantages might bring.  
  
To begin with, although the less-regulated internet has made us share the information faster, it raised concern over the way of milliary handling sensitive information via the internet too. In other words, the less-control internet has made data transmission fasten with no firewall. But it also exposes a risk that sensitive information exchange by the milliary through the internet would be a target for hackers. As a result, it would threaten the national security of the country.  
  
Furthermore, it is convenient that having GPS system to help us in life, but the location of the users might lead to a serious consequence. In particular, GPS system helps us navigate to our destination. However, the exact user's location is being exposed, in which, privacy matter to its people has raised. Therefore, without regulation for protection, their privacy is being intruded.  
  
Finally, our entertainments are in danger situation. Take Netflix for example, an online streaming video service that based their values on digital assets, so if hackers stole and stream them on another website, it could affect the company's revenue and it may kill the company in a long-run. So, we cannot only enjoy the advantages while ignoring the problems that we have.  
  
In conclusion, I supposed that regulating the networking, privacy measures, and reinforce the cybersecurity to its hackers are serious and therefore, greater than any advantages.  
  
Words: 280  
  
Thanks!  
  
CJ
SG, since this is an ongoing discussion, the use of present tense words is required. Therefore, you do not say "outweighed" but rather "outweighs". This signifies that the discussion is one that is current and without a foreseeable conclusion at the moment. I would also like to offer an additional reminder regarding the opening paragraph. This is meant to only be a representation of your English comprehension skills. That is why the rules of writing for this essay dictate that you cannot openly present and discuss an opinion within the first paragraph. It is not possible to do so because of the C&C requirement that fully developed paragraphs be presented in each discussion. With only 5 sentences allowed per paragraph, it is not possible to discuss multiple topics in the paragraph without violating that rule and being scored down for it. A more accurate representation of the prompt follows:  
  
*In our age of cyber technology, it would seem like the positive benefits of internet usage is held back by the negative results of cyber control and security. That is why most people believe that the advantages are negated by the disadvantages of internet service. I complete agree with the aforementioned belief and will discuss my reasons for this below.*  
  
While the body of your paragraphs are strong, your concluding paragraph is weak and confusing. Try to cut the presentation into 3 clear sentences so that the reader can better understand what it is you are trying to say. The shorter your sentence, the better chance you have of expressing yourself clearly. It also allows you stay within the minimum requirements per paragraph.
**Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarket in some countries, many small, local business are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
## small shops face extinction

  
  
Nowadays, a lot of big supermarkets are appearing every day. Some people say that it could ruin local businesses because they can't compete with supermarkets and it would be the end of small businesses. I partially agree with the idea that supermarkets are strong and it is hard for local shops to fight with them, but I think they still can protect themselves, sure they will have fewer customers, but it is not the end. I'm going to describe why, in following paragraphs.  
  
First of all, The big supermarkets with so many branches have a lot of resources which makes it hard for local shops to win. Supermarkets can offer various kinds of discounts and make special plans for their loyal customers, they can present goods for different tastes. Personally, when I have to buy lots of stuff, I prefer going to one supermarket instead of going to different small stores.  
  
On the other hand, supermarkets are often hard to reach, usually, because of the distance and traffic, people can't go to them for every little item. It is when the small shops come in handy. There has always been a small shop available in the neighborhood that can fulfill people's basic needs.  
  
In conclusion, even though the supermarkets are very useful both for people and economy and of course made our life much easier, everyone prefers to get basic items from the nearest small shop in the neighborhood with a friendly and familiar face. And that's the reason, although local shops can't compete with big supermarkets, they still can survive if they change their business plan tiny bit.  
  
(275 words)
Before I proceed, I would like to respond to the question that you posed in a previous thread. It is important that you follow the English written grammar rules when writing an IELTS or TOEFL essay. I do not know who told you that it is not important to capitalize the letters in an IELTS test. That is not the case. There is a specific section that scores your ability to properly construct sentences and paragraphs within the given English writing requirements. That is scored in the GRA or Grammar Range and Accuracy portion. The main requirement there is that you show a good grasp of sentence development through the use of the proper punctuation marks. That is a clear indication in the scoring system. That is why I am worried that whoever is teaching you to write these essays is doing you a disservice by offering you the wrong advice, which could result in your failure to score a passing mark in the actual test. Now, on to your new essay proper.  
  
Your opening statement is still highly similar to the original statement provided. You must avoid doing this because you are being scored on your ability to restate the discussion topic and discussion process in your own words. That is how you prove that you have the comprehension skills to follow instructions and participate in proper discussions when you get to class. In order to present a totally different paragraph that still says the same thing, you should try something like:  
  
*Supermarkets are becoming more common in various countries. This has resulted in the closure of most small commercial establishments which has led to an assumption on the part of most people that local communities may cease to exist due to the demise of certain local trading establishments. I partially agree with this idea based upon a few personal reasons and examples.*  
  
You have an erroneous closing paragraph. Yet again, you continued to discuss reasons based upon the original prompt discussions in a section that is not meant to contain a new topic discussion. Rather, the closing statement must follow the same presentation as the opening statement. Only this time, you should include a summary of the reasons that were discussed in the body of paragraphs. That is the formal template for all IELTS essays and should be followed at all times.
Dear @just\_writer,  
Your essay structure is quite good.  
In the first paragraph as a reader, I expected some positive points about small businesses that can supports that they could compete.  
The second paragraph is well organized but you could add a simple example of purchasing a special thing.  
In the conclusion, some points expressed that not discussed before like "they change their business plan tiny bit".  
/many/ big supermarkets  
Hope it is helpful.
Hi just\_writer. You have a lot of comma splices and run-on sentences in your essay. A comma splice is where you connect two complete thoughts, known as independent clauses, with a comma. To connect two independent clauses, you have to either use a semicolon or a conjunction preceded by a comma. An alternative is to split the two independent clauses into two sentences, each beginning with a capital letter and ending with a period. A final alternative is to convert one of the independent clauses into a dependent clause, so you can use a comma to connect them both.  
  
So for instance, your run-on sentence  
  
"I partially agree ... the end."  
  
Could be rewritten:  
  
... supermarkets are strong**,** and it (...) to fight against them. Nevertheless, I think they still can protect themselves. Although they will have ...  
  
I connected your first two independent clauses with a comma followed by a conjunction. I split your second independent clause off into its own sentence. I converted your fourth independent clause into a dependent clause by adding "Although" and then combined it with your fifth independent clause. Try to include as much variety as you can in your sentence structures to show the grader your grammatical range.
**Some people say that the only reason for learning a foreign language is in order to travel to or work in a foreign country. Others say that these are not the only reasons why someone should learn a foreign language.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## foreign language knowledge

  
  
In modern society, it is convenient to travel to foreign countries and even work in foreign countries. Languages, as a result, can play vital part in traveling or living in different countries. Some people said that traveling to and working in a foreign country is the sole reason why people learn a new language, while others believed that not only traveling or working, but also other reasons that attributed to why people should learn other languages.  
  
It is true that learning a foreign language is important for people who travel to and work in a different country. If we cannot speak local language, we are unlikely to communicate with local residents and sometimes language barrier can cause misunderstanding. Moreover, multi-language skill is quite necessary in today's working environment. International business and corporation between corporations from different countries require employees to travel, work, and even live in another country.  
  
However, leaning another language can have a great positive impact in our daily lives besides from working and traveling. We can have a better understanding of a county's culture and history through learning its language. Many traditions and cultures passed down by language in early years when words were still not being invented. Furthermore, learning new language is the fastest way to integrate into local life. It allows us to really experience local life style and understand local habits. Besides, we can learn to use different angles to see things, so that we will be able to think critically and more comprehensive.  
  
For me, after learning second language, I feel I have more connection with the world even without traveling, I learn to see global affairs not in one angle, but in different aspects. Without a doubt, I believe that learning a different language benefits our lives apart from working and traveling. Through learning, we can broaden our views and increase our skills  
  
(311 words)  
Please give me feedbacks and comments (and also approximately band descriptor :D )
Lin, your score for this essay will fall somewhere between a 5 and 6. There are some problems with your overall presentation, specifically in the opening statement and paragraph 3. The opening paraphrase is not properly formatted. You have included a major discussion of future points for discussion in a paragraph that does not require it. Doing so will result in a lower TA score. The proper presentation should be what you might ask? Well;  
  
*Some people are of the opinion that learning a second language should be limited to those who will be working overseas. While others believe that there are other reasons that justify learning a new language aside from the previously mentioned reason. This essay will compare both points of view before I present my opinion regarding the discussion.*  
  
You must only present information that is included in the original prompt. Under no circumstances should you present a discussion of facts as you did in this opening statement as that is a deviation of the basic paraphrasing rules. Just write your explanation of what the prompt is all about. Don't add information yet, you don't have the space nor sentence requirement to properly do that in the opening statement.  
  
I think you got confused in paragraph 3. For some reason, you are making reference to how history was passed down before language was invented. What does that have to do with the discussion about languages? Don't confuse yourself. Always concentrate on the prompt requirements and make sure to double check the prompt before you submit the essay for scoring to be sure that is no confusion in your discussion.  
  
Finally, you cannot present the concluding statement as a part of your personal opinion. You must present your personal opinion as a stand alone paragraph because that contains information that should never be presented in a conclusion. You cannot present additional information in the conclusion because that will not close the discussion. It will only leave it open ended, waiting for a proper summary of the discussion in order to close the essay.
**Some parent offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school Do you think this is a good idea?Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
Students should be encouraged whenever they achieve a higher grade. However, some parents offer money for each grade they get in school as an incentive. Although I agree to encourage students, I believe giving money for each high grade makes students dependable and it is not a sustainable approach.  
  
When a child receives money for getting high grades, she or he become dependable on getting money. In other words, if parents no longer pay him, the student will lose his incentive for getting a better grade. As a result, he becomes a conditional person which is not an appropriate personality. Additionally, this approach makes the child thinks that he should get better as long as his parents pay him and when his parents are no longer available to pay him, he will stop improving and become a useless person.  
  
Parents cannot pay the student forever because as they pay him, he becomes more greedy and wants more money. This is a popular attitude in many individuals that make this approach inappropriate. This approach also makes the student ask for money for other things he does well, like doing his home-works or even going to school. As a result, parents cannot continue doing this forever.  
  
In conclusion, giving money for each high score is not productive and won't make students an independent and competent person. This approach only makes them a conditional and greedy person which is not favorable in the society.
Bezhab, you can very well use the word "However" in your paragraph presentation because it is meant to break the flow of thought from the previous discussion to a new one in a connected manner. It is indeed an "interrupter" word. You were using it in the right manner so there is no problem with its use in your paragraph. Don't be confused as to when to use the word. There is no problem with your word usage in this instance.  
  
You have written a very strong TOEFL essay here. The problem, is that you kept giving reasons in every paragraph. You neglected to present an example in support of your reasons. You may have used yourself as an example of the effect of paying for high grades, or somebody you know. Anybody could have been used as an example. The examiner isn't going to bother to check about the veracity of your examples presented. When you are asked to present specific reasons and examples in an essay, try your best to present one of each. By the way, your score for this essay? An easy 3. If you had presented examples, it could have been booted up to a 4.
**Question: Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighborhood or teaching sports to younger children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## community service in curriculum

  
  
Nowadays, more and more people are concerning about whether the credits of community service should be forced to set in curriculum in high school or not. Some believe that this activity can help students to learn empathy while others think that it is totally wasting time. I agree with the latter notion, here are some ideas as below.  
  
First of all, it is crucial for students to decide their future during this period. The school should provide more opportunities of field experience instead of an activity far different with studies. For example, I was confused when I was facing the option between Arts and Science. Fortunately, our high school more emphasized on practical experience, we were assigned to proper department after aptitude test. Subsequently, we explored our interest and develop skills during our short-term intern in cooperative enterprise.We cannot deny that young people should learn empathy in their age, but it is not necessary to be a compulsory program in high school. School can create the club relative to volunteer activities, holding unpaid community service in weekends.  
  
Secondly, it is negative for local unemployment rate when students work as free labor. Unpaid community service seems helpful for local citizen, in fact, free labor replace the original workers. In addition, the wage might be influenced by unpaid community service. It is indisputable fact that the citizens support unpaid community service, so they can cost down the expenditures. However, it is unfair to original workers, they accepted a series of training, but they eventually get lower wage or even are fired by employers due to this activity. The school should consider this condition when they setting the curriculum.  
  
By way of conclusion, I once reaffirm my position that the unpaid community service is not necessary to be a compulsory program in high school because of developing the skill of future preference and avoiding the increase of unemployment.
Sandra, your score for this essay will a 1. It is a failing score because you did not discuss the correct prompt requirement. Your Task Accuracy shows that you did not even come close to understanding what the topic is and what the discussion method required of you was. As you know, once you fail to accurately represent the TA, your test will get the lowest possible score, regardless of the other scoring considerations. In this instance, you created your own prompt requirement and discussed a topic that is not located within the original prompt.  
  
You chose to discuss the following topic: *Some believe that this activity can help students to learn empathy while others think that it is totally wasting time*  
  
While the real prompt topic was : *Some people believe that unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school programmes*  
  
Do you see where you deviated from the prompt? That is the main reason why it will be useless to continue reviewing the rest of your work on this essay. You did not follow the instructions you were provided with originally, so there is no sense in rating something that is incorrect.
## Writting test 1 ielts. Maps

  
  
The maps illustrate the developments of West Park Secondary School, from 1950 when it was erected to 2010.  
It is clear from the maps that the biggest change that happens at the school was that residential areas and farmland were demolished to make way for car park. At the same time, the school building was expanded with the construction of science block.  
  
In 1950, school was built to the south of the main road and to the east of houses area. In 1980, car park, science block and sport field were constructed and replaced all houses and farmland.  
  
From 1980 to 2010, there were huge changes in WPSS. Sport field was relocated to the east and was narrowed, while the place for parking was extended. So, at 2010, car park was the place accounted for about a half of WPSS.  
  
In addition, playground was always located at the northeast corner of WPSS. However, it became smaller because of the construction of sport field.  
  
*
Na, your summary overview doesn't really appear to be complete. It only has a basic description of the image provided, then a trending statement that follows the previous presentation. You need to indicate the instructions for the essay as well. For example, were you being asked to compare the images in the discussion? Or perhaps you were to present individual descriptions only? Whatever the instruction was, it should have been indicated because that is part of the scoring consideration requirement. Also, the information you provide is incomplete because you said the maps were for the school during the year 1950 to 2010. That is not the case. There are 3 years being compared in the map. 1950, 1080, and 2010. All 3 years should have been signified as part of the presentation process because you did mention the 1980 construction of the area in the body of the essay. If it isn't in the overview, it shouldn't be in the body paragraphs.  
  
So, you have 3 maps which should be presented in yearly descriptions within single paragraphs each. For every paragraph, a comparison discussion should have been presented. You tried to do that unsuccessfully in your essay because you did not use comparison terms in the paragraph to show progression, which would have helped your C&C score. Consider this; you first presented the 1950 description of the area. At the end of that description, a transition signal should have been presented. The transition signal could have been, "By 1980, the original 1950's structures had been modified."  
  
It is your direct to the point descriptions of the area, which shows a lack of GRA skills, which further lowers your score. If you had just tried to write a complete paragraph of at least 3 sentences each, you would have been able to write a more impressive body for scoring consideration. In fact, your stand alone line at the end of the essay should have just been integrated into the earlier paragraph so that your scoring would have had a chance to improve.