dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Liu, when you post an article discussion essay, you need to give us a copy of the article either by uploading an image of the file or providing the link to the article online. Without it, a proper assessment of your statements, in relation to the factual information from the original source cannot be made. In this instance, I will hazard a guess regarding the problematic portions of your essay that needs to be addressed. There are some obvious points that can be referred to for your improvement even without the original article presented.  
  
You made reference to a country in Asia from the article. What was that country? Remember, you cannot just mention the region of the world the country is located in because of the highly specific results that stemmed from the events that unfolded. There was also a mention of laboratory experiments at the start. In order to make that lab experiment acceptable to the reader, the reader needs to know how the experiment was conducted. Without it, the statement leaves a sense of doubt in the reader.  
  
I cannot go further with my review of your work due to the incomplete information that you have provided. I hope that you will remember to upload the necessary documents for our review or, to include the link with your next essay so that you can be better assisted in developing your writing skills for this section of the test.
**Many people are using credit cards or loans to run up huge personal debts that they may be unable to repay. It should, therefore, be made more difficult for individuals to borrow large amounts of money. What are your opinions on this?**  
  
## how to pay off big loans?

  
  
Some people rely much on credit card or loans for enormous debts, although they do not have the ability to return. It is considered to harden the procedure of individual debts. In my opinion, I completely agree that the company or banks would make harder the process of personal loans, mainly in a high percentage of money. The reasons why are would be explained in this essay.  
  
Firstly, the enormous sums of money which are borrowed experiencing the difficulties in returning loans would influence other customers. For instance, virtually all banks or companies in America implement the Universal Default affecting other debtors in paying-off with high interest. This is a serious problem for those who want to refund both in time or passing the time limit.  
  
Secondly, increasing the proceeding of borrowing large money would teach the spender of credit cards to be more discipline to manage a living, particularly for familial. It is not uncommon to find the financial problems because of lacking to handle family-income. Hence, the more difficult the debtors involved in loans is, the better they control the income.  
  
I do appreciate that those who are on tight budget desiderate to use credit cards bills more than usual and are allowed to owe in huge sums of money. However, it is wiser to debt in appropriate amount than that of lacking in paying the return.  
  
To sum up, it seems hospitable that the banks allow those who are in the financial problem to loan in the big number of money. However, the companies or banks have their own policies regarding debt limit and to raise the interest of other debtors which in fact, it is a fault who do not break the rule of payment limit.
Yulia, this is one of the worst essays that you have written so far. The incoherence of your paragraphs in this essay are astounding. What happened to you? Did you not fully understand the prompt requirements? Do you lack any personal or popular information regarding the given topic? There has to be a reason as to why you would produce such a problematic essay presentation. As I repeatedly reviewed your essay, it seems to me that the problem is related to your grammar range and accuracy. Although you are ill prepared to begin writing complex sentences and paragraphs, you attempted to do just that in this essay. Doing so resulted in a difficult to understand presentation that caused undue stress on the reader. The paragraphs only make intermittent sense instead of total sense. You need to remain conscious of one standard piece of information when you are writing English essays. You cannot think in your native language and then try to translate the same into English. Coupled with a desire to increase your GRA score, you ended up with an essay that would not score higher than a 2. The main reason for that overall score is that you do not have any control over word formation, the message of the paragraphs remain unclear, and you have shown very little organizational control over the development of your presented paragraphs. If you write this way in the actual setting, you will definitely fail the test.
## women present in the main government body

  
  
The line chart gives information about the percentage of women who are the members of parliament in five countries namely Germany, Italy, France, UK and Belgium over a 12-year period.  
  
Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of female members of parliament in all countries, with an exception for Belgium.  
  
In 2000, Germany saw by far the highest number of female working in parliament, at around 34% while the second biggest proportipn was seen in Italy, at nearly 27%. In the following 12 years, female members working in parliament in Italy increased considerably, rising to nearly 40% whereas this figure for Germany was just at 37%. As a result, Italy had by far the highest number of female members of parliament in 2012.  
  
In Belgium, by contrast, this figure fell gradually from 2008 to 2012, standing at 24% in 2012 and had the same percentage with the UK in the same year. The number of France women working in parliament increased slightly, rising from 25% to over 30% over a period of 12 years.  
  
*
@nhantran  
hi .. I see that you are good to pick up data. In point of view, there are 2 problems you made in your writing such as error spelling (proportion) and some repetitive adverb. You very often use far and nearly, you could change in other expressions. Additionally, it would be better, if you separate the scope of explanation, perhaps in the first body explain all the comparison then for the second body you could write related to trends.
Nhan, it is difficult for me to offer a more accurate assessment of your work because you neglected to upload the necessary prompt instructions from the original source. As such, I am not a position to determine if the notes that you are reporting on are accurate, informative, or required by the task. Going by experience though, I would have to say that you wrote just enough to meet the word requirements of the essay, but not enough for an increased passing score. Why did I say that? You reported on the most obvious elements of the graph that are easily seen at a glance. A task 1 essay always, always scores its best in all criteria when the examiner sees that the exam taker spent a little more time in analyzing the image by reporting on small details that can only be discovered through analysis and comparison of the graphs. What information did you miss out on?  
  
1. You missed out on the opportunity to report on the overlapping estimated figures for Germany and Italy during a period between 2008 and 2012;  
2. France and the UK also had a point where their figures were reported as the same at the end of 2012;  
3. Aside from the UK, that trailed at the start of 2000 in terms of female parliament members, France, Italy, and Germany were on a similar trend for the periods of comparison indicated.  
  
4. By the end of 2012, all countries indicated similar figures regarding their female parliamentary membership.  
  
This graph has a particular interest in representing trending information and that should have been reflected in most parts of your summary report. Small but relevant information such as these will make a tremendous difference in your overall score.
**The internet has transformed the way information is shared and consumed, but it has also created problems that did not exist before.  
What are the most serious problems associated with the internet and what solutions can you suggest?**  
  
## internet and information concerns

  
  
The development of internet has grown enormously every year, which made a lot of changes in how we search for and spread information. However, big changes are not always beneficial , there are issues that go along. So what are the biggest issues and how we can resolve it effectively? This essay will present the difficulties and how to address them.  
  
First problem is the appearance of high-technology crimes. Take hackers as an example. Black-hat hackers can hack into thousands of bank accounts to withdraw money from them, and this happens because it easier to go to the bank and rob it, hackers can simply stay home with a fast-connect network, a high-efficient computer and they are good to go. It is true that this job requires a wide spectrum of knowledge about encryption, but, once being an expert no one can stop it.  
  
The other issue needs to be discussed is that one's privacy. For instance, government can easily surveil messages, phone calls without us notice. Even though they claimed that they do this for our own safety, to insure national security, users are not certain that whether their information being sold to a third-party or not. Therefore, not only government but also another foreign country can interfere our community system and violate the privacy policy anonymously.  
  
To resolve, first thing a person can do is to not upload personal content. For example, address, password and nudes must not be shared on social network. Secondly, use stronger password and different one for every accounts. By doing this, it is harder to hack into one's account and if it is hacked, there will be only one affected.  
  
These are most important concerns when it comes to surfing the internet; and can be solved effortlessly. However, it is better to be cautious when log on a website because err on the side of caution. If everyone can be careful when they use internet, it will reduce the risk of loosing information and even property in the future.
Anh, I have to say, I am very impressed with the essay that you wrote. The paraphrasing, though not perfect, is more than acceptable. It had an interesting hook that did not deviate from the prompt subject, it created an interesting method of introducing the topic statement through a question. Then strongly closed the paragraph with an informative thesis sentence.  
  
Now, there is a problem with the fluency of your grammar. There are certain instances when you have hanging instead of complete sentences such as  
  
The other issue needs to be discussed  
, in this instance, you need a connecting word "that" in order to create a complete thought process in the sentence. That is the main problem in your body paragraphs actually. You need to learn when to use a connecting word in order to complete the sentence.  
  
Considering your discussion though, it is coherent and cohesive in a simple manner. What will impress the examiner is that you are using examples and information that is commonly known to the public. So you are coming across a well read and highly informed in terms of current events. This is a well developed essay in terms of content. I just wish though that you had better developed your resolution discussion in terms of suggestions. It was too short and not as informative as your previous paragraphs. That is, for me, the weakest paragraph in this essay.  
  
The concluding statement though, it should have just wrapped up the discussion by providing a summary of the discussion content of the essay. Even with that mistake though, the essay will still get a very good score, possibly more than passing, in an actual test setting.
I'm making an early attempt at a CLEP essay for College Composition. Any helpful critiques would be great as I'd really like an honest opinion of my efforts.  
  
Assignment: **I don't care how poor a person is; if he has family, he's rich**  
  
## *CLEP essay for College Composition*

  
  
The love, support and companionship of a family cannot be measured in any type of physical or traditional currency. Its worth is priceless. Since the beginning of time man has existed in a family or clan based environment much like many animals in the wild such as wolves, gorillas and our most closely related relative the chimpanzee. Abraham Maslow in his groundbreaking 1943 paper on basic human needs identified social inclusion as one of the four most critical human needs in his Hierarchy of Needs model.  
  
Early man relied on his tribe or clan to hunt, provide food, raise offspring and combat rivals. Without the support of the clan they would have little to no chance of long term survival. I would venture to say that during this period, predating traditional forms of currency, the inclusion into a clan or similar family group would have provided the most valuable currency of all; survival.  
  
In the middle ages, extended family groups living communally was commonplace. Members would work to tend crops and livestock, raise children, care for the elderly and again protect themselves and their property. In many cultures the penalty of being banished from the clan as an outcast was akin to a death sentence as an individuals chance of survival was remote.  
  
The existence of communal family living has all but vanished in modern times but an extended family relationship is still vital to modern man. Social networking has introduced a new form of family communication as members can share experiences, photos and videos in real time from anywhere in the world. A family bond ensures companionship no matter how geographically distant. With a few mouse clicks or keystrokes families can provide comfort, share important news, send holiday greetings or even forward funds. This type of readily available family support though not traditional in a physical way can be critical even lifesaving to a family member in distress.  
  
The priceless value of family has been demonstrated throughout the history of the planet as in most instances it means survival. When faced with death, hunger or even loneliness there is no physical currency that can provide the priceless, lifesaving comfort and support of family.
Hi Paul, this is a very well written and expressive essay. I really wish that you had provided us with the complete prompt topic and discussion instructions because I would have loved to be able to assess the essay based on the CLEP scoring guidelines. If you had given me that opportunity, I would have been able to offer you a better assessment of your essay and quite possibly, found the weaknesses in your discussion. At this point, I will not be able to do that anymore. I can only give you one free observation and advice. Even if you supply me with the prompt now, it will be useless. There is no way I can advice you anymore due to forum rules. All I can tell you at this point is that you wrote a good essay. Is it strong enough to get a higher half score or will it be in the lower half? I can't tell because you did not give me the complete instructions for your prompt assessment. Your discussion abilities are strong. Your analytical abilities can use further development. Your paragraphs can use more focus in terms of content discussion. That is the overall impression I got from reading your essay. Maybe, when you post your next CLEP essay for review, you can include the complete prompt and discussion instruction requirement. That way I can give you a better opinion of how exactly you are doing in terms of preparation for this test.
Sorry, as @Holt pointed out the assignment instructions would have been helpful. I've pasted them below.  
  
**Directions:** *Think carefully about the topic presented below, and write your response by hand on paper. You have 30 minutes to compose an essay which develops your point of view on this issue. Support your discussion with specific reasons and examples from your reading, experience, or observations. When you have finished writing, click the Done button.  
  
Your practice essay will not be scored. However, once you have finished your writing, two sample essays about your topic will be provided, along with the scores they would have received. There will also be explanations of why they received their assigned scores. After reading the two sample essays and the accompanying explanations, you should be able to take a critical look at your own essay and evaluate how well you did.*  
  
**Sample Topic 1:** *I don't care how poor a person is; if he has family, he's rich.*
The love, support,and companionship of ...  
Since the beginning of time,manmankind or human beingshas(have) existed in ~~a~~ family or clan based (...) most closely related relative, the chimpanzee. Abraham Maslow[/B]on ~~basic human needs~~ identified social inclusion (...) human needs in his groundbreaking Hierarchy of Needs model in 1943.  
  
Early man relied on ~~his~~ their tribe or clan to ...  
Without the support of the clan, they would have little ~~to no~~ chance of ...
## foreign language speakers in an the school

  
  
The pie charts illustrate the proportions of British students at one university whether they can speak other languages besides English.One reveals the proportion of 2000 while the other provides the data in 2010  
  
It is clear that the proportion of Spanish only was the most dominant group which increased from 30% to 35% in 2010.While the percentage of no other language dropped from20% in 2000 to 10% which lost the second primary group in 2000.  
  
More specifically ,the proportion of two other languages tended to slightly rise from 10% to 15%. On the contrary, the percentage of French only declined less significantly to 10%,which was as much as the proportion of no other language. Additionally, the increase of another language was less marked which rose to 20% as the second dominant group in 2010.  
  
Interestingly, the percentage of German only remained stable in 2000 and 2010 which was as much as the proportion of French only and no other language.  
Overview, the group speaking Spanish only always dominated a large proportion of British students, and the proportion of another language was approximately less half than those speaking Spanish.while the total of other groups namely speaking French only,German only, no other language or two other dominated almost half of British students.  
  
*
@John050645  
Here are my suggestions. I am not professional but I try my best and tell you what I have learned from others.  
  
1. I think the sentence"Interestingly, the percentage of German only remained stable in 2000 and 2010 which was as much as the proportion of French only and no other language." should be put in the end of third paragraph. It is because your last paragraph is an overview.  
  
2. The word "while" is used in an incorrect way.  
 Sentence A, while Sentence B.   
 While Sentence A, Sentence B.  
While Sentence A. -----> incorrect  
  
Good luck:)
Lao, the essay is not as informative as it should be. The summary overview is confusing as you do not use the keyword "year" when presenting the number 2000 and 2010. It is important that you represent a proper summary outline in the essay by also including the types of languages for consideration in the pie chart. The proper discussion for this essay should have presented all of the information for each year in separate paragraphs before creating a comparison discussion in the 3rd paragraph of the essay leading into the 4 and final paragraph. Since you did not accurately represent all languages and you neglected to use the exact percentage figures for all the information provided, it would be extremely difficult for you to get a higher than average score for this essay. You will only get a barely passing score in this instance. That will even depend upon the minor scoring considerations that the examiner will have to take into account while analyzing and scoring your work.
1) Your way of paraphrasing the topic sentence is not appropriate.  
2) It is better to join the two sentences into just 1 sentence for the topic sentence.  
3) They way you put adv is unnatural.  
4) Your expression is cumbersome, unclear and sometimes incomprehensible or even wrong.  
5) I don't know whether your 2nd paragraph is an overview or not. If it isn't, then write one. If it is, then you write it the wrong way because you must not attach any figure in the paragraph.  
  
6) Do not use 'overview' for the conclusion. It doesn't make sense at all.  
=> I think you should study grammatical structures more carefully before using them in your essay. Good luck.
Hi! I need to write yearbook write-ups for my friends and I need help critiquing them. It would be nice if you could help me describe my friends. Don't worry, I changed their names to protect privacy.  
  
-------------------  
  
## **Elijah**

  
  
If there's one word could never describe Elijah, it's 'boring.' He's a fun-filled ball of energy, whether it's looking beautiful during Halloween or a fun night at the dorm. He's an extrovert through and through. While he may be frank with his opinions, he's surprisingly gentle and empathetic. Despite any first impressions, he does care, more than he lets on. His wit is as big as his heart, and considering the number of medals he has won, that's fairly large. Elijah always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.  
  
## **Sam**

  
  
Sam is a force to be reckoned with. She single-handedly dragged me into the Homestuck fandom through heavy spoilers and beautiful fanart. She's an excellent best friend, always willing to listen to your problems and be there for you. She's willing to support my crazy endeavors and tell me when I'm not thinking straight. Her watercolor artworks are as charming as her beauty. I know that she will grow into a kind and mature woman. I have full faith and trust in her. I hope our friendship will won't ever end.  
  
## **Benjamin**

  
  
Benjamin is a level-headed.leader, filled with determination and fury. His black eyes are consumed with the burning fire of a dragon, pursuing his target relentlessly. He's always willing to share his opinion with you, never backing down from an argument. He's always willing to call out your mistakes and is ready to help others. As an honest and dependable person, you are sure to find a good friend in him.
Hi princess, hope this helps you...  
  
**ELIJAH**  
  
Fun, energetic and humble, those three words are the most suitable words that can describe Elijah. I truly believe you won't move your attention once you know her.  
  
**SAM**  
  
Beauty is something that always attached to her, she will be the one that you can rely on when you down to the rock bottom, to listen and to absorb all the negativity you had. her passion for art affects people surround her too attached to her.  
  
**BENJAMIN**  
  
Critic yet a loyal person would be good words that can replace his ambitious image as a future leader. yes, he is the ambitious person but you will get affected to be a better person when you are along with him instead of intimidated.