dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@phanhyeudoi1711  
Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you an idea on how to improve this essay.  
  
One of the fundamental mistakes I have observed with writers who contribute here is the fact that people tend to over-exert their writing to the point that it would come out as dull more than appropriate. Evade this as much as possible by being concise with language usage. Irrelevant and unnecessary pieces of information shouldn't have space in your writing because you are working with a bunch of technical content. Apply this to your first paragraph. I have noticed that you could have merged the first few sentences instead of having repetitive thoughts sprinkled discreetly throughout.  
  
Furthermore, be cautious of your usage of punctuation throughout. Be mindful of the rules of when to place or omit. This will give you leverage because they're more specific parts of the writing that are often overlooked by others.
**Thanks for checking my essay**  
  
***Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.***  
  
## a job quick after school or further education?

  
  
Attending higher education such as university or college brings us significant advantages. On the other hand, applying for a job right after high school is also a good way to gain our experience in some cases. Both opinions are very reasonable but I personally think the former idea is the most suitable for many people.  
  
Originally, a big number of students have studied at academe since the education was developed and this number will continue to grow in the future. University and college provide us massive amount of knowledge and help us have deeper learning of our majors. Beside, this environment gives us opportunities to communicate with other students, especially professors and teaching assistants that could offer choices and advice about what you major in. One more benefit of is you have a chance to take part in internships which you can improve your experience in reality.  
  
On the contrary, finding a job immediately after school support you to seek for your personal hidden talents and by interacting with real job, your capability will improve in no time. Specially, you will be considered as having long-term experience or rich-experienced person. Unfortunately, many jobs require certificates in order to apply for it in recent years.  
  
In conclusion, studying in academic education sure has enormous plus points as well as getting a job straight after school but only for a few cases. Having a job like that also reveals various obstacles. As every part of this world is developing, higher education is going to be a compulsory choice for students.  
  
Thian.  
  
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*Sorry for the quality. Because the file was too big, I had to resize it.*
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*Sorry for the quality. Because the file was too big, I had to resize it.*
@thiannie  
I'm here to give feedback on your writing. Don't hesitate to approach once more if you have any other questions.  
  
Firstly, avoid over-explaining pieces of information in your writing. For example, the first sentence could have been trimmed down more as you didn't really need to mention that university and colleges are part of the higher education. These types of information are quite common knowledge, hence reiterating is unnecessary and only adds baggage to your writing.  
  
Be cautious of your usage of punctuation marks throughout. Transitions are imperative because they can make or break how academically-appropriate the formatting of your text will be received.  
  
Furthermore, there's also an imbalance in your text distribution. While the second paragraph was extensively (and even overtly) explained, the third one didn't have much to hold onto anymore. Remember to omit what's irrelevant to have more space for important discussions as this will help you develop a more elaborate mindset.
## concentration and collaboration

  
  
I entirely agree with this statement: playing games, teach us about life. When you play games in conjunction with you have funny and enjoyable time. You must learn a lot of skills that are very beneficial and functional for your being successful in your life.  
  
such as: Trying, concentration and collaboration.  
First of all, if you want to be successful in your game or real life. You have to try a lot to find the best way for reaching to your goals and also, using whole of energy to achieve to your aim.  
  
Next, concentration is another skill that is important. for being winner in your game or in your life, you could concentrate in your aim to consider all the way that reach you to your goal and after that chose the best way. Also concentrate in the game help you to have powerful mind in your life that is very necessary in life.  
  
And finally, collaboration is very important in both life and game. Because with collaboration in game you could cover the flaw of your teammate like in life. And with helping and counsel with your member of your team or member of you family in real life you can find the best way in reaching to your goal.  
  
To sum up, with playing game you learn a lot of skills like: Trying, concentration and collaboration that are so important in real life.
@bita92  
Welcome to the forum! Don't hesitate to ask if you have any other questions after reading my feedback.  
  
Packaging is extremely important in writing - bear this in mind. For instance, while there wasn't anything that was glaringly wrong with the first paragraph (except for a few technical slip-ups in the first sentence), the poor packaging made it a bit difficult to comprehend and appreciate certain parts of the writing. What you could have done was simply mention the line "playing games teach*es* us about life" before reiterating that there are lessons to be learned with playing games that aren't just limited to the virtual world.  
  
The same goes for the rest of your writing. Make a more comprehensive and straightforward simple sentence instead of how you labeled the first body paragraph. If you're focusing on a specific trait, describe it first prior to explaining how it correlates with gaming.  
  
Being more discreet and conservative with writing will be beneficial for you since you struggle with complex utterances.
## spectrum of australian society

  
  
The first chart compares the percentage of accommodation in Australia from two different types of place in five nations namely UK, Australia, China, New Zealand and Netherland. The following chart provides data about birthplace of people who living in Australia.  
  
Overall, it can be clearly seen that almost people who are living in Australia prefer to stay in cities rather than countryside. In addition, beside of Australian, English people accounted for a large proportion between five nations lived in Australia.  
  
Regarding the table, from five countries, people who lived in cities are more than countryside. China has the highest difference in proportion of people who living in cities and rural with 99% and only 1%, respectively. After that, UK and Netherland have the second disparity in percentage with nearly 90% people lived in cities and only 10% lived in countryside. Australian and New Zealander have lower figures with 83% and 80% people lived in cities, respectively.  
  
Meanwhile, beside of Australian, almost inhabitants lived in Australia are from UK and other nations with 7% and 14%, respectively. The percentage of people living in Australia in New Zealand and China is lower with 3% New Zealander and 2% Chinese. Hollander who lived in Australia have the lowest percentage with only 1%.  
  
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@dhcuber  
Hello, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive from me somewhat helps you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach again if you have any other questions.  
  
When there are ways for you to make mention of certain parts of the text without necessarily needing to create baffling content, this would be a lot better for your writing in the long-run. Not only will this allow you to save space that can used more productively in latter parts of the essay, but it also teaches you to prioritize what information you are using here. In that regard, I think that the omission of unnecessary information, excessive descriptors, and repetitive lines would serve you well for the rest of the writing. If we take a look at what you currently have, the third paragraph could have been shrunk more to create something more straightforward. Try to stick with just the basic information before you even try to make an analysis, hence move the second paragraph to the very last portions of the text.
## trying out medicines on animals

  
  
**Nowadays animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines and to test the safety of other products. Some people argue that these experiments should be banned because it is morally wrong to cause animals to suffer, while others are in favour of them because of their benefits to humanity.  
  
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
There are many people who argue that using animals for researching or testing medical products are immoral and should be prohibited. However, I believe that testing new medicines or vaccines on animals can be useful for reducing risk when people use these products.  
  
It is generally agreed that experiments on animals are being many questionable ethics and especially in animal rights. This is because animals used for experiments are imprisoned and suffered from cruel activities such as making infected parasites before using the medicines to treat. Well-known example is the testing antimalarial medication on the monkeys. Scientists make monkeys infected malaria parasites and then they perform many experiments to find out the medicines which can treat the malaria. By doing that, these monkeys can be painful or even passed away because of performance of medicines.  
  
However, I still believe that testing cosmetics on animals improves human health and reduces risk of new medicines. With this practice, we research and test performance of vaccines or drugs for human diseases before using for humans. Therefore, we can make sure that people exposed minimally to harmful toxins in cosmetics, leading to a drop human health risk. For example, people successfully invented the antimalarial medication to treat for the human malaria after experimentations and testing on monkeys. That is the best method that people can predict how this medicine would work on humans because these animals are the closest to humans.  
  
In conclusion, although there are many controversial issues relative to animal rights, I believe that the advantages of testing medicines on animals outweigh than the disadvantages. However, authorities should encourage finding out new technologies which can simulate effect of medicines on humans to replace experiences on animals.  
  
**Words count: 283 words**
Hi @phanvantai96qb!  
  
Since I am not an english-expert for IELTS, I will give my opinion about your essay structure based on my IELTS exam experience.  
  
Overall, your essay already fulfill the task requirements. But, I think there are two aspects that you could improve.  
  
First, on paragraph one, it will be better if you can mention people point of view who agree with animals experiment before your thesis statement.  
  
Second, on paragraph three, you should also mention about people who agree with animals experiment, give the reason, and example (you already did it). After that, you can insert your opinion why agree in it (in one paragraph) or make the next paragraph (other paragraph) to explain your position why agree in it.  
  
Hope, it will help you.
## "Brain drain"

  
  
A great number of teachers in cash-strapped English comprehensives are now fleeing aboard to other international education destinations, which leads to a phenomenon called " Brain drain". Here are some points for this trend. Many teachers find it better and more proper for them to work overseas rather than in UK state schools. A research at Rosenberg, one of the most dignified institutions in Swiss, found that a large amount of teachers there are foreign teachers from the UK. It also can be seen as an upgrade in facilities for sports, recreation, and class-size there. Besides, it also provides teachers with a better environment to be more inventive, independent, and trusted to concentrate on the quality of teaching rather than crowd management. From the perspective of the education system in the UK, teachers, themselves, have to suffer from extreme workloads, teaching pressures and the lack of other amenities encouraging work-life balance. When working aboard, in contrast, they are offered superior lives with free accommodation, small classes with delightful pupils, reasonable workloads, nice colleagues, no concerns about Ofsted- a non-ministerial department which is responsible for inspecting a range of educational institutions, and better salaries. A poll conducted by National Education Union found that a great proportion of teachers have the intention to quit their jobs in the nearest future, contributed by "out-of-control" workload pressures and excessive accountability at their schools in the UK. When being asked about the probability of going back to English state schools, the majority of teachers said they would never consider coming back to British classrooms, meanwhile, a small subset of them would choose to go back to England to resume their careers. Back to the UK, in the run-up to a general election, all parties tend to pledge more money to ameliorate the teaching environment by increasing teachers' salaries, investigating on high-stakes school inspections. Still, it remains a doubt about the slump in the exodus of teachers, as most teachers, they prefer what they get overseas and are not willing to return where they had left. The alarm bells have been ringing since it can be witnessed a paramount increase in the number of pupils applying for schools over the next few years, while greater numbers of British teachers are being lured by other international institutions. Many schools have considered looking for teachers elsewhere in the world and convincing them to work in English classes because the UK's teachers, themselves, find it hard to get back when they are now aboard.
@HienRyan  
Hey, welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here becomes helpful for you. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions should you have any!  
  
Firstly, it is critical that you write with clarity because this will determine how well-received the rest of the writing will be. For instance, the first sentence is overcrowded with information that could have been omitted for you to be able to comprehend the text with more ease - and without tugging the rest of the text. You also didn't need to incorporate quotation marks for the term *brain drain* as you were simply reiterating without introducing something new.  
  
When you're writing, the formatting of the words you're using is extremely important. For example, do not just say that it is "better and more proper" when you could have opted for other words such as more beneficial. In that regard, you would have been able to create a more effective writing pattern for your essay to evade being baffling to the readers.  
  
Lastly, always connect everything back to the concept that you've introduced. You made mention of brain drain in the earlier part of the text; however, you no longer used it in the latter parts, which is confusing given that it's supposed to be the core message of your writing. Always be cautious of the direction that your writing is heading into.
Hi,  
  
I want to know if it sounds natural. Your help is appreciated! Thank you in advance!  
  
## boss out of the office

  
  
Remote work is a trendy thing in today's business environment. If employees can work from home, then why shouldn't owners run their companies remotely as well? For example, resting on a beach or at a golf course. The main thing is to establish remote control.  
  
"My domicile is an airplane of Aeroflot, place 1D," jokes the owner of the group of companies Sava Vladimir Sablin. Indeed, it is almost impossible to find him in the office, and when he answers a phone call the caller usually does not have an idea where the entrepreneur is located at that time. Sava conducts its activities in Eastern Siberia, Moscow, Kiev, China and Mexico. Over the past year and a half, Sablin has been to more than 20 countries of the far abroad, not to mention Russia and the CIS. However, the absence of the owner does not worsen the situation of the business. On the contrary, over the past year, the company's turnover grew by a third approaching 2 billion rubles.  
  
In early May, Vladimir Sablin returned to Russia after almost two months of absence. Last year he was gone for about six months. All that time he was on round-the-world economic expeditions conducted by an international business school Executive MBA LWB. "We negotiate with embassies, universities - they arrange for us visits to their companies," says Vladimir Moryzhenkov. "In addition, we are fond of golf, and through local golf trainers you can get direct access to interesting entrepreneurs."  
  
The number of countries visited by the business travelers is already more than ten. They studied English at Oxford, visited McDonald's Hamburger University in China, watched how asparagus is grown in the deserts of Peru. In New Zealand, Sablin learned that it is getting colder there, that houses need to be insulated. So, it is quite possible to enter the local market with modular houses from Bratsk. In Brazil, the niche of mini tractors is not yet occupied - why not enter that market? "It's impossible to find out about such things while surfing the Internet," says Sablin. And now he is wondering how to use the new opportunities.
@Nasridean  
Hi! Welcome to the site. I hope that the feedback you receive here gives you a clearer vision of what you should expect from the rest of the writing.  
  
If you're aiming for a more natural or organic writing approach, I heavily recommend that you try to focus more on your articulation than anything else. For example, instead of saying that working remotely is *trendy*, you could have opted to describe it as the newest innovation in working. Notice how the latter has more weight to it than how it was previously described.  
  
Being clearer with your language also goes a long way. Try to simplify the sentences on the last paragraph to ensure that you aren't going to be misunderstood in the rest of the text. Also, there's also a bit of confusion with the direction that you were trying to take your writing into. The whole link between "countries visited by business travelers" and the overall idea of remote work doesn't really flow well with the rest of the text.
@Nasridean  
Hi! I hope you find my feedback useful.  
  
I'm not sure who the audience of your writing is but I would recommend some grammatical edits to improve clarity and formality. For example try to avoid the use of contractions (ex. shouldn't) and beginning sentences with conjunctions. "it is almost impossible" could become "it is near impossible" and "In early ..." could be changed to "... to Russia after nearly two months of absence; last year he was unavailable for almost six months." Also, if you avoided starting sentences with words such as "So" it would make your tone more assertive/certain. Your use of quotations validities your information, however, I agree with the previous comment in that the idea you seem to be trying to express is a bit confusing, if your piece is more about business travel rather than remote work than it would not make sense to have your introduction focused on remote work.
## distance learning evaluation

  
  
In these days, distance learning has aroused people's discussion. People can get their diplomas, degrees or certificates at home by studying online courses, which has been provided by many universities and institutions. Some people think this trend is a negative development; however, I would argue that its advantages are more significant; thus, this is a positive development.  
  
On the one hand, studying online has some disadvantages. Firstly, most of homework and assignments are individual tasks, which means there are no group works or discussions. This leads to the fact that learners will finish the course with little or no experience in terms of working in group, which is one of the most important soft skills in real life. For example, most online business alumni lack involved experience of working in group, which leads inefficiency of implementing projects. Secondly, since some majors require many experiments such as Biology or Bio-medical Science, students need to come to university laboratories to conduct those experiments; hence, face-to-face classes are mandatory. It seems impossible to only study at home with these courses.  
  
On the other hand, I believe distance learning has many benefits. The first one is that students can arrange their timetable themselves in order to study whenever they want. This is extremely helpful for people who work and study at the same time, as well as who have small kids but still want to reach for higher education. For example, one of my friends whose 2 small kids just got a diploma in computer science after 2 years studying online. Additionally, since the online courses are designed for students who live far away, learners can save a huge amount of money for accommodations, as well as a great amount of time for traveling. My best friend, for instance, who is a business analyst, claimed that he saved roughly $24,000 for 4 years studying a bachelor degree in University of Houston - one of the top schools in Texas, USA.  
  
In conclusion, I believe the advantages of online studying outweigh its disadvantages, and this is a positive development.
@thinhvuduc1210  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I'm here to give you feedback on your writing - and I hope that it somehow helps you out!  
  
Firstly, you could have easily improved the first parts of the writing if only you had focused more on simplifying your utterances. For instance, instead of shifting around with varied types of terminologies, it would have been better if you stuck with only using online studying as it is more appropriate and commonplace to use in these situations. This would make your content a lot less baffling in the long-run because it will show how dedicated you are to the rest of the text. Sticking with these sorts of appropriate content will go a long way in being clearer.  
  
Furthermore, the concluding remarks also have to be improved. Considering that you had such bulky texts, it would have been way nicer if you inserted more depth into this part of the writing to ensure that you are relaying the information in a clearer light. If you are able to do this, it would make your writing appear more put-together because the conclusion is imperative for the rest of the writing to become tied together.