dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
George, you are suggested to complete the description of information in the overview / introduction part in your essay. It is unfortunate that you created only two sentences that can be considered as a weak paragraph. Compressing the information into the two sentences can possible drag your band score down. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:  
  
*- The graph reveals... (1st sentence)  
- Overall, the mobile phones.. (2nd sentence)  
- Meanwhile,... (3rd sentence)*  
  
You need to remember that 3 sentences should be written in each paragraph before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The thing is, it would make you present a complete understanding about all the aspects of the chart that you presented. The major criteria in assessing IELTS in terms of Coherence and Cohesion would relate to this issue. Therefore, I suggest you to not doing the same mistake in the next IELTS practice.
The line chart illustrates the number of trips of foreign visitors come to UK and UK's local visitors went to another country between the time period of 1979 and 1999. Within those 20 years, the number of trips to and from UK were increase every year. Generally, the number of foreign visitors who visited to UK were fewer than the number of UK's residents who visited another country around the world. In 1979 the number of visits to UK were about ten million and the number and increased nearly three times higher for about 29 million in 1999. While the number of visits from UK in 1979 were about 11 million a little bit higher than the number of visits to UK. In 1999 the number of UK's resident visits aboard were grew up so fast reach about 51 million. Between 1984 and 1989 there are a point year that shows a significant trend of increasing the number of visits to and from UK.  
  
From the bar chart we can see that in 1999 France was being the most popular country to be visited by UK's visitors among other destination country such as Spain, USA, Greece and Turkey. The number of UK's residents who traveled to France were about 11 million. Sequentially the top five destination country that was chosen to be UK's resident aboard destination frequently were France, Spain, USA, Greece and Turkey.
Hi Resa, before I provide you a few feedbacks, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, here, we aim at providing you with the most accurate feedback and constructive criticism in order for you to strengthen your essay and to let you discover how to approach the prompt or the writing project better.  
  
Having said that, as this is an analysis essay, I suggest that you include the chart that you are trying to analyze as this is the main source of the information and the only way we can determine that you are being accurate with your analysis.Nevertheless, I would like to share a few insights that will enhance your sentences.  
  
- trips ~~of~~that foreign visitors ~~come~~ to the UK  
- and from the UK ~~were~~ increase every year.  
- who visited to the UK were ~~fewer~~lesser than the number  
- and the number ~~and~~ increased nearly three times higher  
- ~~for about~~at 29 million in 1999.  
- While the number of visits from the UK in 1979 were  
- of visits to the UK.  
- ~~aboard were grew up so fast reach about~~spiked to 51 million.  
- Between 1984 and 1989 ~~there are~~is a point of the year that shows (...) visits to and from the UK.  
  
There you have it Resa, I hope the above remarks help you in your revision and for future writing reference, mind the missing linking verbs in your sentences such as the, that, this, it completes the sentence and without it the sentence is not complete.
Resa, writing an acceptable and recommended paragraphing structure for an IELTS task 1 is not that difficult. It is suggested for you to write at least three paragraphs for this type of essay. The first paragraph should be the introduction paragraph that consists of question's paraphrase (1st sentence), and overview sentences (2nd and 3rd sentence). Creating a bulky introduction paragraph like what you've done might confuse the examiner. An essay that is difficult to understand can drag your band score down to 5.  
  
After creating the introduction paragraph that consist of three sentences, you can write the first and second body paragraph. Before writing them, it is better for you to split the information from the chart given into half and equal portion. This can help you develop the essay easily. It is unfortunate that you didn't upload the picture, I would just come up with a simple example. When the chart shows two different data from 2008 and 2016 for example, in the first body paragraph, you can write the information that appears in 2008 and in the second body paragraph, you can just write the information in 2016. It might also be applied for this essay. The first body paragraph will explain about 1979 only and then, the second body paragraph just simply describe about what happened in 1999, as simple as that.
First, I think that i have made several mistakes(grammatical) and with the word usage. My questions are - If my ideas are well developed, because i feel like, i have gone out of the topic way too often. Also, i think that my sentences are not created in the right way(not in the way that native speaker will write them). Thank you in advance!  
  
**Safety standards are important when building people's homes. Who should be responsible for enforcing strict building codes - the government or the people who build the homes?**  
  
In the last couple of years, we haev experienced several devastating tradegies involving building, which did not correspond to the safety standards. The question, who should take the responsibility for creating strict and reasonable build codes, however is causing some tension in the society. In my opinion, the building companies have to take the responsibility, since they have the full control of the building process, while the government need to set strict building rules in order to guarantee the safety livings of the citizens.  
  
With the increasing searching for new homes in the last few years, building companies are developing faster and cheaper ways to build new houses and flats. All of that, brings additional profits to this companies, but on the other side sometimes they tend to overlook the safety standards. Since, they have the full control of the building process, from the very start to the end, they have the responsibility for our health and they should ensure our safety living. Moreover, their engineers and architects know every single detail of the buildings, so they should know what are they risks and how to protect us from them.  
  
Even though, the governments have limited control on the building process, the still can influence the building companies. First, by imposing huge fines and strict rules, they are able to guarantee the safety living of the population. Furthermore, their first duty is to protect their citizens and provide a safety and reliable environment for them. In addition to this, as they give the rights whether one company is capable of executing building actions, they have the responsibility to choose the best and most reliable companies for our future and safety,  
  
In conclusion, I think that both sides should step up and take the responsibility for our health. On one hand the building companies have the resources and the knowledge to keep our homes in good conditions, while on the other hand the governments have the power to control and monitor the building processes.
Hi @krempetkov  
  
> i found that your essay lack of example, i think you should give several example in order to emphasize your statement.  
> there are many collocations which seem not right in several sentences.  
> i also found that your introduction is a little bit confusing because you mention the notion that is not mentioned from the question. you should mentioned your notion for your body.  
  
> i think your notion in your introduction and your body paragraph is not coherence.  
> the predominant issue are you have many mistakes regarding to grammar and spelling  
  
so here are my sample correction for your essay  
  
...~~we~~people~~haev~~have experienced several devastating ~~tradegies~~tragedies involving building~~,~~ which ~~did~~ not corresponded to the safety standards.  
  
...~~The question,~~This brings up a question regarding who should take the responsibility for ~~creating~~designing strict and reasonable build codes,  
~~however IT is causing some tension in the society.~~ In my opinion, the building companies (...) since they have ~~the~~ full a control of ~~the~~ building process, while the government needs to set strict building ...  
  
i hope you can fix the rest of your essay,  
keep writing and break a leg
The thing that makes your essay seems odd is because you did not answer the question properly. Reaching band 6 or above requires you to write a relevant (band 6) or clear (band 7) position in terms of Task Response. The question is pretty clear. You are suggested to CHOOSE either government or builder. Then, why did you come up with an answer that both are responsible. Somehow this type of answer might lead to an unclear and confusing development. This issue can possibly drag your band score down to 5 due to unclear position. Also, your essay can be considered as an essay that partially answered the prompt. Thus, my suggestion for you is that you need to straightforward in answering the prompt without making an unrelated answer. For instance, in this case, you can just CHOOSE one of the possible options. If you choose government, you can just focus on explaining why government should be responsible and not the builder. It might look simple, but this is a fundamental issue that can improve your band score later on.
## island alterations

  
  
The maps reveal that the alteration of an island with evolving some tourists facilities. It is important to bear in mind that the resort management build some accommodations and roads in this island, roughly 250 metres in length.  
  
A more detailed look in the maps, before developing plenty of leisure facilities, this island is just covered with a few trees with beach in the west. As time goes on, the information center is built in the center of this area. It is by far followed by evolving food court in northern of the reception. The visitors can also make use of vehicle track to reach of the information center or restaurant after arrived at the pier, in the southern of reception. What's more, there are two areas of accommodation, situated to the center of the island and in the west nearby beach. Apart paving the vehicle track, the tourism management also develop footpath to connect the western and eastern residential areas for drawing the visitors to the beach.  
  
*
Nina, while you are certainly over the minimum word count of 150 words, you are under the required paragraph count of at least 3. More importantly, your summarized opening statement does not follow the required sentence format either. The main problem with your essay is that you decided to compress all of the illustrated information within the second paragraph when you should have divided the information evenly into 3 paragraphs at least for this essay. There was no lack of material for you to accomplish that task. I guess you just forgot that you had to write this essay that way.  
  
Another missing element from your summary is the description of the original island. This should have been presented in better detail in the second paragraph of the essay in order to explain the changes that occurred later on within the premises. The lack of the original description of the island means that you failed to totally understand the illustrations and, you were not really paying attention to the way that the summary should have actually been written.
What I am going to add here is about grouping. In IELTS task 1, you are suggested to create a plan first, before start writing a report summary. Therefore, in that plan, grouping is one of the essential parts in composing this type of essay. This is to ease you in making at least three paragraphs for an essay. To group the information, you just need to split the information into two possible sides. Make sure that it is balance information. For instance, in the map that you have provided, you can possibly divide the information into two main ideas. The first one should be the description of the map in "before" condition and the second one should be simply about the "after" condition. Thus, you can reach the recommended paragraph building from the given map. However, it is also obvious that the first paragraph is an introduction paragraph which consists of question's paraphrase (1st sentence) and overview (2nd and 3rd sentence). Keep in mind that three sentences are definitely needed if you want to reach band 6 or above. The idea is to have a complete thought and understanding about the given picture/diagram/chart/graph/table.
Thankyou @Holt , @ichanpants89 for your feedback.  
Well, I have already edited my essay with improving what your advice.  
  
The maps reveal that the alteration of an island with evolving some tourists facilities. It is important to bear in mind that the resort management build some accommodations and roads in this island, roughly 250 metres in length. In any case, some trees in this island remained unchanged, with beach situated in the south-west of this island.  
  
(...)
I can see some improvements and that's quite good. Yet, there are still some rooms to enhance the quality of your essay. For instance, it is quite obvious at first glance that the second paragraph is shorter than the third paragraph. This is what you need to avoid. You cannot get more than 6 if there is an imbalance portion of information that you describe. Also, 3-sentence rule needs to be applied in the whole essay and not just in the first paragraph. Therefore, your second paragraph needs an additional sentence to improve its clarity.  
  
However, I can also notice that some of your words / sentences are actually inaccurate due to its meaning. You need to know the difference between "something that can be generally seen" and "something that needs to be remember". The phrase "bear in mind" refers to the second one and it is definitely wrong phrase that is used to express such condition. An overview sentence needs a cohesive device that properly states that a general view towards the picture/diagram/graph/chart can easily be noticed by most people.
Topic: **In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have positive or negative effect on society.**  
  
The increasing number of the elderly in many countries has aroused controversy about its influence on society. This essay will argue that aging population has more adverse effects rather than positive ones.  
  
First, the overwhelming proportion of the old people would increase economic pressure to sustain older generations. Because of the growing demand for care services, the governments eventually spend more money on pension payment, homes for the elderly, hospital advancement. Moreover, there could me a heavy tax burden on working people as they need investment to do so. These factors causes imbalance in the economy. In other words, population aging is likely to bankrupt the social welfare, which is essential to help the older people with their lives.  
  
Second, increasing number of retired people also lead to the decline in workforce participation in industry. The shortage of young, creative generation with strength has an considerable influence on the productivity and the economy in general. For example, it will be problematic in terms of heavy industry that require physical labour when the number of available staff are inadequate. The imbalance of gap generation in th proportion of workforce apparently will have a great impact on future economy system.  
  
Nevertheless, older population can help reduce crime rates. As they are less likely to cause violence, robbery or accidents, which enhance the social security. For example, young people tend to have more problems with alcohol or drugs consumption. Apart from that, the longer life expectancy has also been attributed to public health care improvements and advances.  
  
In conclusion, ageing population is believed to have negative impact on society rather than positive one. This problem can be a threat to the world economy, thus, lives of the old people are not guaranteed.
Hello Zen,  
  
Your writing is well structured, I can tell that you've planned out how to deliver the message on the number of elderly people and effect on society. I'd like to give you some encouraging feedback.  
  
It would be helpful to introduce your main talking points within your introduction. "**This essay will argue that aging population has more adverse effects rather than positive ones.**". Can you perhaps include the main three points in this statement? Including such statements will help the message flow even better, especially since the message of each paragraph is clear within the topic sentence.  
  
Hope this was helpful :)
Hello everyone. I am Kadir and I am currently preparing for TOEFL.  
I wrote a essay about this topic. Thanks in advance.  
  
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.**  
  
Deciding what businesses should do has always been a critical issue. These days, the number of companies who only aim to make a profit has been increasing and there is a notion in people's mind that they can do anything to augment the companies' profit. However, contrary to many people, I personally believe that businesses must consider other things other than just making a profit for several reasons.  
  
To begin with, I believe that businesses should consider the environment, because people's lives still depend on nature. Thinking about businesses without people does not make sense and therefore, people who control companies should protect the environment. We live in a world with limited natural sources and we must find a way to cope with this problem. If companies would just focus on making a profit, they might not care the nature and do not protect the environment. As a result, they can pollute the air we breathe and the water we drink. For example, a new factory has been build in my neighborhood two years ago. At first, we thought that it would create job opportunities and modernise our environment. But after a while, many people, including me, noticed that they were not using air filter system and it was polluting the air we breathe. After some research, we learned that using air filter system was expensive and the company was paying the penalty for not using air filter system because it was cheaper than installing an air filter system. They were not concerning people, they were just thinking to make more profit.  
  
Furthermore, in my opinion, companies should have social responsibilities such as supporting poor people, the arts and education because life is not just about money. The world is not an equitable place for all people and they do not live the same life. There are many people who do not have the opportunities we have. They do not have a chance to live in healthy conditions. In Africa for example, many people are suffering because of the scarcity of water and food. I personally believe that companies should consider people in need. Even a small part of their profit can make a difference for a lot of people. The company I work at\ for instance, has a social responsibility program for children who do not have money for advanced studying. When we share our profit, we know that at the end of the day, we win together. Because people in my company believe that without people, there would be no businesses.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that rather than focusing on making more money, businesses should protect the environment and help others in need because businesses' lives depend on people and people's lives depend on nature.
***Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.  
  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
A foreign language plays an enormously important role in children's development. Obviously, this concern is proliferating and gaining fame among pupils. However, the impact of this trend has become under scrutiny and has been concern for many people. Although learning foreign linguistics for children is unacceptable since it will give negative impact on their development, others said that it is brilliant idea for children to broaden much more horizon regarding global culture through other languages.  
  
Needless to say, children may not realize that this activity has a negative repercussion for them when they study varied language background at elementary school. This is because they may get confused regarding this sphere, and this impacts their development. William James Marco Pollo, an educational consultant, believed that this activity has its significant drawback for bilingual children when it comes to learn other languages at early stage. This result was children who took foreign language had a lack of fluency to communication, thus, they would talk more slowly in comparison with pupils who just understand their mother language. All in all, it is argued that focusing on learning second language at primary school will give drawback in terms of child development.  
  
As a matter of fact, there is counter-argument against prior statement. Learning second language is pivotal activity that should be taken for pupils into consideration. Due to this activity, children are prepared for obtaining plenty of knowledge in the case of world heritage sites. A 2015 Hiroshima University study supported this. The experts conducted research with a random sample drawn from 200 Japanese secondary-school students that learned English language since at primary school. Astonishingly, 67% of students who learnt bilingual language had considerably more knowledgeable regarding international culture through language than children who just learn native language. Hence, what delights in this activity is learning foreign language since the first stage is necessary for the pupils.  
  
In conclusion, albeit studying foreign language will ruin their development, the merits of this activity are more than the negative. Where possibly, learning foreign language should be considered to become mandatory sphere at primary school.
@NinaJoesuf25  
  
NinaJoesuf25  
  
Needless to say ; \*\* could you replace this with a different phrase? What I interpret is that while adults may argue on the pro/con of foreign language, children don't understand that when they study such languages. Perhaps rephase the start of this sentence to clarify that. "Unlike those who study the effects of linguistics in primary school..."  
  
... confused regarding this sphere, and this impacts their development.  
\*\* I feel that you could rephrase this latter part to improve readability. "and hence negatively impact..."  
  
Where possibly , learning foreign language should be considered ...  
\*\*I'd recommend either changing to "Wherever possible" OR rephrasing this sentence to have "wherever possible" at the end of the sentence. This would place more focus on the importance of learning foreign language.  
  
Hopefully this was helpful feedback! Please let me know how I can change my feedback to be more helpful. :\_  
  
Chris