dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi there.  
  
I think I can give you some writing suggestions about your conclusion.😊😊  
It would be better to write a conclusion like below.  
  
To conclude + restate your opinion (I strongly believe...) + restate 2 reason (because...)  
  
This is what I usually do when I am writing the conclusion.  
  
I hope this could be help. Best of luck in your future writings.😊😊
## The writing of IELTS Cambridge 11 Test1 Task 1

  
  
The pie charts illustrate the water usage for six different regions around the world. It is crystal clear to see that argriculture water using purpose occupied the greatest amount in Central Asia, and it is also the most biggest percentage among the three water categories. Next followed by industrial water usage,which contains about 53% in Europe. Compared to the others, the motive of taking domestic water is relatively less,only South America has 19% and demands more domestic water usage than the other five territories.  
  
As we can see that although Central Asia consumed the most ratio of agriculture water purpose, its industrial one is the last. Taking a close look, we can easily to find out that its domestic one is in the last position as well, just 7%, same as South East Asia.  
  
Then it is quite straightforward to know that Europe and north America are industrialized cause they need a lot of water for industrial purpose. On the other hand, the other four regions are non-industralized due to the extremely less portion of industrial water using purpose compared to the former one.  
  
*
Hi,  
I'm here to give you feedback on this essay.  
1/ Your body structure in Task 1 should be Intro- Overview- Body paragraphs  
> I suggest that you should rewrite your essay following this structure  
2/ In the IELTS test, it is better for you to avoid using ' we ' , 'they', 'I', 'you' as much as you can because it is not an academic writing style.  
  
3/ I think that your transitional phrases are not suitable for an essay in the IELTS test. e.g 'Then it is quite straightforward to know that..'  
  
I suggest you should take a look at some band 8-9 writing samples and learn more academic phrases to use in your own essays.  
4/"...we can easily to find out ..."  
A serious grammatical error. 'Can' is a modal verb, so a infinitive verb have to follow it --> '.. can easily find out'  
  
As long as you are willing to practice more, you definitely can improve your writing skills  
Best of luck !
Shopping online is a hot topic that everybody concerns about Obviously, it plays an important role in the modern life. The number of people do shopping online is increasing. In my opinion, the three following ideas are advantages of shopping online. Firstly,shopping online is very imformative and useful . Through internet, we can get the latest information about things we want easily and rapidly without leaving home. With the traditional way of buying, we have to come directly to the store and have to come around the time the store opens.But when buying online u can buy at any time u want .Secondly,we can save time. By the normal way, we must go to the shop or center to go shopping but now, just be pressing a button we can watch and buy things. So that we will have more time to do some other works. Finally, u can have some deals . It can be said that there are not many promotions like things sold online. So that u can buy it with a smaller price than real. In short, shopping online is very good in the life. But " every coin has 2 sides" so we should use it correctly to have the best thing.
## driving age regulation and driving offences

  
  
It is sometimes argued that the most effective method to improve road safety is raising the minimum driving age. While I agree that this measure is good, I believe that there are still other solutions that are more useful.  
  
On the one hand, I agree that a great number of traffic accidents are caused by careless driving and the young are not mature enough to take responsibility for the serious consequences of their actions. Therefore, increasing the minimum legal driving age prevents the young drivers from being wrong doers and committing driving offences.  
  
Nevertheless, I believe that this method is only helpful in some parts because many adolescents still drive without a driving license and they have no sense of traffic awareness. A better solution is to impose more severe punishments on those who taking driving carelessly. For instance, if they make very critical offences, they have to be punishes a longer prison sentence. Running a red light, driving without a helmet or a legal driving license could lead to a heavier pecuniary penalty. However, in the long run, the government should ensure road traffic safety to citizens and popularize and educate people's consciousness about traffic rules.  
  
In conclusion, while I accept that this approach has some effects in the short term, I believe that introducing stricter regulations for driving offences is a longer-term and much better measure to reduce traffic accidents.
- by careless ~~driving~~ drivers and the young people who are not ... ( I think you should use not old enough when you want to mention if something illegal )  
  
- in some parts >> partly  
- be ~~punishes~~ punished with a longer prison sentence.  
- Running a red light >> running through the stop sign and driving ...  
These are just my suggestions. I'm not an English native speaker though :P Hope they are useful for you
You worked part time for a company in the past and now see an advertisement for full time work at the same company. You want to apply for the job.  
  
## Write a letter to the hiring manager.

  
*In your letter  
Describe the part-time work you did  
Explain why you want the full-time work  
Tell him/her why you think you will be good at the job  
  
Begin your letter as follows:  
  
Dear Sir or Madam,*  
  
Dear Sir or Madam,  
  
My name is Cindy Huang and I am writing to express my interest in the position of full-time Teacher at your school. As you may concern I am used to work as a part-time Tutor before and my work experiences help me be a qualified candidate for this job.  
  
In my previous part-time work at your school, I ran after school tutoring club where I worked one-on-one with a variety of students who are struggling in math and science. I also designed individual study plans with the help of classroom teachers. We had regular meetings to collaborate on developing programs to help students overcome their personal challenges. These experiences help me grow to understand the difficulties that some students have and to learn how to help them overcome their struggles.  
  
The reason why I am interested in this full-time position now is that I am ready to return to work after taking my time to be with family, as my youngest child is ready for school now. I have spent three years for my university degree and now I have completed my master in education. I can teach ESL and science and I am eager to use new skills to teach.  
  
I believe that I am an excellent candidate for two good reasons. I know the school, the teachers and the curriculum. Previous part-time work experiences gave me an edge that I am very familiar with the working environment. I also have a proven success record that the attendance at the tutoring club grew when I was there, and teachers reported students who were in struggle with math and science improved their academic results with my help.  
  
Should you require further information, do not hesitate to contact me. Please find my CV attached. I am looking forward to your sincere answer.  
  
Yours Faithfully,  
  
Cindy Huang
## The young people and important positions in governments of countries

  
  
Some people hold the view that young generation is good for important positions in governments of countries.Others, however, opine that the elderly is better for these jobs. In the following paragraphs, I would like to examine both viewpoints and give my opinion then.  
  
On the one side, people are of the opinion that young leaders are the best choice for some reasons. They are eager to learn new things, so they can follow the social trends and upgrade their job quite well. It enables them to apply the new methods and modern policies which are useful and suitable for their countries. The old ones usually don't have time and passionation to do it. Besides, young people are more open-minded and love taking risky challenges which can help the country get out of its safe zone and develop more quickly. Moreover, young managers are often flexible, fast and they can see many opportunities with their fresh brains, so they are quite suitable for high positions in governments.  
  
In the other hand, with age comes wisdom; the elders have their own strongnesses. They have deep understanding of the government systems and the laws which leads to win-win opportunities when they have to make agreements and trades with other countries. They also own a very wide social network where they can ask for plenty of supports and approvals. With their thick experience, they can learn from old mistakes and avoid some traps or spoils. People, especially ones who are influenced by Asian cultures, prefer working with the old leaders whom they believe that they are more authoriable, reliable and powerful.  
  
Although this is still a controversial topic, I personally consider young leaders can lead the countries well as long as they are good enough. Sometimes, problems can be solved by the talents and sensitivity, not just the experience. We cannot apply the same solution for a kind of problem which happens in different periods of time.
I'm not a professional( A student in actual fact) but this is my suggestions. Feel free to take a look at it!  
  
Some people ~~hold the view~~ **are of the fervent conviction that (this is a bit more severe but it's a part of my template :)** young ~~generation~~ **people** is ~~good~~ **suffieciently competent** for ~~important~~ **instrumental** positions in **national** governments. ... the elderly is ~~better~~ **more qualified** for these jobs. ~~In the following paragraphs, ...~~ (Actually you dont need this kind of sentence, since time should be invested in the body paragraphs)  
  
The old ~~ones~~ (Never, ever use ones for people, it's not academic, you should use people here, it's fine to reuse some words) usually don't have ...  
  
~~In the other hand~~ (Wrong, it must be On the other hand. Also, should it be right, it is still an inconsistent structure, you should use on the other side) with age comes wisdom; ...  
  
... We cannot apply ... periods of time. (Should be a conclusion here, or else it will be kinda a run-on sentence, I recommend begin it with a comma and the word "therefore")
## the variety of cities types

  
  
Thank you so much for your kindness.  
  
*Topic: Some people believe that it is better to live and work in vertical cities. Others, however, think that horizontal cities are better for living and working.  
  
Discuss both views and give your own opinion*  
  
The essay:  
In recent years, the growth of population leads to the variety of city types of which there are 2 main popular kinds: vertical and horizontal cities. Some people opine that living in vertical buildings is the best choice while others prefer to live in horizontal ones. I will examine about 2 points of views and share my opinion as follows.  
  
On the one side, horizontal cities often provide us more space for our hobbies like gardening and swimming. Most of houses have a garden where people can plants some fruits, trees, and even flowers to decorate their houses and please themselves. Some big houses have a pool where people can chill in. They are good for their mental health. Moreover living in horizontal houses gives us the chance to escape faster in some emergency situations like fire or earthquake. The citizens also find it is easier to do what they want like gathering and having BBQ, singing karaoke loudly and even raising a dog which is not allowed in apartments.  
  
On the other hand, it's great to live in high buildings as well. Although they have to pay for some fees but it is safer to live there with cameras for monitoring people and modern protecting systems. Everyone needs permissions or cards when they want to access the house so the rate of meeting perverts or bad strangers is really minimum. Furthermore, there are usually some restaurants, malls and other convenient services inside the building, therefore they don't need to travel too far to reach them. Besides, the price of each flat is often reasonable and people often serve some good promotions. For an instance, some agencies allow people pay for the house within 10 - 15 years. It's very suitable for small families with medium salary  
  
In conclusion, depending on individuals, both horizontal and vertical cities are good to live and work. I love pets and spacious areas so horizontal cities seem meet my pursuits and hobbies.
Hello~  
  
Your first paragraph has greatly dragged the main idea and is easy to read.  
  
However, personally speaking, in the second paragraph, it seems that your first ( hobbies ) and third arguments ( gathering and karaoke ) are similar and can be combined together into one.  
  
Also, the logic between sentences is not quite clear. Maybe you can use more conjunctions or make a shift in your sentences ( inversion ), so readers can easily understand the connection of your statement. Actually, you don't have this problem in third paragraph. It is organised in a good manner. Maybe you can check it again.  
  
Finally, in the last paragraph, I think it's better to say so it seems that...  
  
Hope my suggestions are helpful for you~
***In some countries, there is not enough recycling of waste materials (e.g. paper, glass, and cans).  
## What are the reasons and solutions?***  
  
In some nations, people do not recycle their waste materials as much as they could. There are several reasons why people do not recycle and some approaches should be taken to change such a scenario.  
  
One of the reasons is that people are ignorant about the importance of recycling. They don't know about the process of recycling or the close relation between recycling and environment protection. Furthermore, people are too busy on their own lives to pay enough attention to it. They are used to dispose the rubbish directly for time saving or for convenience. In these situation, government plays an important role to take actions for fear of more harmful behaviors to our environment. Without doing so, it is difficult for people to aware the importance of recycling.  
  
To deal with above problems, several steps can be taken. Government can plan for some advertising campaigns on TV or Internet to teach some tips about recycling. These promotion will catch the public's attention and change their behavior gradually. Otherwise, the education about recycling must be carried out in the school, which can build children's sense of responsibility to protect our environment at their early age. With these efforts, government can not only raise more concern about recycling among people, but also boost the recycling industry because of the potential profits.  
  
In conclusion, the environmental issues are more and more importance. Government around the globe must implement some related policy in order to raise the awareness among people.
Hello~  
  
I have some suggestions for you.  
  
Firstly, I think you can add more information of the background of recycling in the first paragraph like Nowadays, although recycling has become a trend all over the world..., so it would be easier for readers to follow in and know the main point of your essay.  
  
Secondly, personally speaking, you can explain more in the factors affecting people's behaviour in recycling. The arguments seem too short and brief for me. Also, the last four sentences in the second paragraph should be moved into third paragraph, since it's not relevant to things you want to express there and would be repetitive with the solutions below. Therefore, I highly recommend you to add more details, arguments or examples in the second paragraph. By doing so, your statement would be more convincing.  
  
Apart from suggestions above, I think you have the good ability in using some adverbs such as furthermore and phrases like in this situation to connect your sentences logically.  
  
Hope my suggestions are helpful for you~
## Living in a foreign country cause social and practical problems

  
  
*Topic : Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems, as well as practical problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?*  
  
Some say that living in a foreign country can lead to severe social and practical issues. I completely agree that people may face certain difficulties when they move outside their home country.  
  
There are two problems that people may need to deal with when they immigrated to other places. Immigrants will face up to the problems of different cultural background and the cultural shock therein. For example, a Chinese may find it hard to adapt the custom of India that he should eat his meal by bare hands instead of chopsticks. Furthermore, I believe that language barrier may put their social life in jeopardy by causing misunderstanding between them and neighbors. If they cannot make friends among their neighborhood and work place, they may not be able to blend in the society.  
  
Besides, practical trouble will arise during the stay in foreign land. Finding a job is not an easy task for outsiders because of the cultural differences and language skill despite their excellent professional skills. Therefore, being a foreigner, people are less competitive than the local. In most countries, high-knowledge-based works such as teacher, doctor as well as lawyer are less likely to hire a non-native speaker. This is the threshold to their career development if they are not planning to reconsider and alter their job. In my opinion, this might accumulate their pressure and may eventually arouse emotional problems.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that leaving your motherland and move to another country is not worthwhile due to the many drawbacks in social and practical aspect.
Hello ! @poyiyeung  
  
Welcome to this platform.  
I appreciate your clear ideas and structure in your writing, and guess you are writing an IELTS essay.  
  
The first sentence of the second paragraph can be moved to the opening paragraph because you only state one reason in it.  
-->In these essay I will name two problems that people may need to deal with when ...  
  
practical troubles  
"Therefore, being a foreigner,people are less ... "  
It makes the sentence a little bit complicated, and there is a grammar mistake.  
--> "Therefore, foreigners are less competitive than the local.  
  
Enjoy your learning!
the number of workers and manufacturing units located in England and Wales  
  
**The table below describes the number of employees and factories in England and Wales from 1851 to 1901.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.  
You should write at least 150 words.**  
  
The table illustrates the total number of male and female workers and number of manufacturing units located in England and Wales between 1851 and 1901.  
  
Overall, the workforce plummeted during 50 years and male employees outnumbered female employees in most years. Besides, the number of factories fluctuated throughout the period given.  
  
According to the table, the total number of employees reached the highest of 477100 employees in 1851, including 287100 male and 190000 female workers. In 1861, the workforce reduced to 291780 employees, which consisted of 160000 women and only 131780 men. The total number of workers significantly declined in the following years and reached its lowest of 61000 employees in 1901.  
  
The number of factories witnessed an upward trend, starting with 225 factories in 1851, which continued to sharply increase until reaching a peak of 721 factories in the year 1881. It then started to show subsequent decreases before ending up with 600 factories in the last year of the period.  
  
( 163 words )  
I really appreciate your feedback.  
  
*
Hello! @amira11545  
  
Some suggestions for you.  
  
Firstly, in the second paragraph, you can try to give more information or description.  
For example, the figure for employees and factories roughly show and opposite trend. The workforce plummeted during 50 years, in which male employees outnumbered female employees in most years.On contrary, the number of factories rose dramatically from 1861 to 1871 and then fluctuated in the next three decades.  
  
Second, in the third paragraph, the number of employees seems to decline significantly in the first decade and steadily decrease in the following years.  
  
Finally, in the last paragraph, "continued increasing sharply" might be better than"continued to sharply increase"  
"in the last year of the period." can also be put like this: "in the last ten-year period "  
  
Good luck with your learning!
## Some people think that planning for future is waste of time

  
  
Life is an adventurous journey that one cannot predict any obstacles having in the future. Therefore, planning upcoming activities for one's dream is always necessary. That could be a good preparation for one's old age. In my opinion, it is not a waste of time to think about one's future.  
  
Sometimes, financial planning for old age is the anxiety of many people. As we know that the span of life can be longer, but the working time is limited at the age of 55 for women and 60 for men. Therefore, one need financial preparation for his retirement. If one were older, he could not have earned more money. At that time, one could have to face with hospital charge and medical bill accompanying to weakness and infirmity. Besides, we need spend more on commuting and hiring assistants to help in the house.  
  
On the other side, every ones have ever thought about future plans such as getting marriage, building their own small family at least once time. When ones have already family, they would have to spend more expense for the outside activities such as camping, travelling or the education of their children and help their children until they can earn money. Therefore, if we bought life insurance and planned for future life, I think that, they could be happy with their children and even grandchild in their period of old age.  
  
It is imperative that people plan wisely for the future. If one has saved enough money, one could sit back and enjoy peace and comfort in ones later years and even witness the joy on the face of one's children. If one has not saved, the journey ahead would be dreary and dismal indeed.
You repeat the word 'one' too many times in your essay. Try to rewrite your sentences using other words.  
.. they would have to **manage their daily expenses** of outside ...  
~~I think that~~, they could be happy ... and even **grandchildren** in their ...  
Note: ' I think' , 'I reckon' is informal in an essay for the IELTS test.  
On the other side,**every ones** have ever thought ... -> everyone