dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Some people think that the teenager years are the happiest times of most people's lives. Other think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibilities.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## At what age people find their happiness the most?

  
  
It is obvious, each stages of human life bring different kinds of happiness. Some people believe that adolescence is more enjoyable period in people's lives. While others argue that adulthood brings more satisfaction to one's life, as well as the pleasure and enjoyfulness are at higher level at this phase. It is undeniable both durations have their own downsides which negatively affect on the level of happiness.  
  
On the one hand, there are so many reasons which are closely linked to having more happiness during the age of thirteen to nineteen. Firstly, the teenagers are at the phase of mental and physical development, they are not fully mature to understand deeply from the hardship of life. They are mostly so naive and disoriented . Meanwhile, being stress free and having less responsibility toward life contribute to more enjoyable moment and happiest time. Secondly, high expectations may make the teens feel good, for example, having goals or hoping of getting decent career, being successful in their academic achievements and having a bright future. Thirdly , nowadays young people have a lot of facilities and means of happiness. It is undoubted their tastes for life are completely different from the adult . In addition, the surroundings are incredibly new for them, there by they are more determined and have plenty of stamina to explore and enjoy life. In spite of that sometimes teens are going through difficult situations which negatively impact on their mindset and make them having more miserable and disappointed attitudes toward life. For example, losing their parent at a younger age , lacking free risk enviroment or being abused , famine and poverty.  
  
On the other hand, the causes why adulthood lead to more happiness are clearly visible.Firstly, the adults are fully developed and their understanding of life is more accurate and more comprehensive. Whereas, being resillence to the negative emotions and adaptation for the vicissitudees of life are correlated to the high level of happiness in this course of life. Secondly, having secure job, family and relationship are another crucial factors to assess the rate of pleasure. Although, there are some factors which evaporate the happiness during adulthood,such as, breakdown of relationship, inability to make the ends meet, unemployment and having age related diseases.  
  
In conclusion, happiness is a state of mind. There are so many factors which may determine the level of cheerfulness. Age can not alone estimate the degree of delightfulness.
Heiden, this being your first essay posted here for review, I will give you an allowance for not properly understanding the discussion instructions. You see, you did not appropriately discuss the problem based upon the prompt instructions. Look at how the original prompt was set up and how you chose to discuss the prompt instead:  
  
*Original: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Yours: It is undeniable both durations have their own downsides which negatively affect on the level of happiness.*  
  
Not only did you create a different prompt for the discussion, but you also created a single opinion essay based on your personal point of view. Based upon these reasons, the score for this essay will be a failing score of 4 because the essay response is not completely related to the task you were provided. The proper discussion format for this instruction is:  
  
*1. Prompt restatement  
2. First Point of view  
3. Second point of view  
4. Personal Opinion  
5. Concluding summary*  
  
As you can see, your essay did not follow the appropriate paragraph format. It also contains more than the maximum sentence count. The per paragraph sentence count is between 3-5 sentences. Any more than that and you will lose points for not appropriately following the required sentence structure under the C&C and GRA requirements.  
  
Please read the essay samples provided for the task 2 essay in this forum. Just so you can get a feel as to how to write the essays based on various prompt scenarios. The most important thing to remember is that you have to show a clear discussion of the 2 points of view in a manner that separates it from a personal opinion. In this instance, the whole essay became a personal opinion essay even though you portrayed 2 points of view in your discussion.
## Children are engaged with the paid work

  
  
*Question: In some countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. some people regard this as completely wrong, while other consider it as a valuable work experince, important for learning and taking responsibility*.  
  
In certain countries, some parent allow their children to get busy with paid work. Some parents opine that by working, their children can gain precious experience in work and at the same time, they started to learn how to be more responsible. Some parents, however, do not agree with this argument.  
  
On one hand, parents believes that works with monetary return are important to a child's growth. When children started to get some works, they will be take the task given seriously, as they get paid after completion of the task. They will work hard and always do their best in work also because of their responsibilty. For example, as a pizza deliver, they will try to deliver pizza within a limited time to make sure their customer is satisfied with their service.  
  
Eventhough children can start learning about taking responsibility by working, some parent stil do not agree with this argument. The main reason is that, working might cause stresssfulness to children when they could not manage everything as well as their expectation or when the workload is too heavy. Some people can not manage stress very well bacause they are too young. This condition might lead to depression if it continues for a period of time.  
  
In my opinion, children should gain some experience in working to improve themselves before starting their career in future. In conclusion, it is no wrong if parents let their children working with wage but they have to always keep both eyes on their children's condition.  
  
Ps: please give me some feedback to improve my essay and also give valuation according to ielts marking criteria. thx in advanced.
Yi, the reference in the essay is people, not "parents". Therefore, you should not have used the parental reference throughout the essay. The reference is made to a public point of view and not a parent's point of view. This was a mistake in understanding on your part. The proper synonym for people should have been used such as public, society, persons, populace, common people, or general public. Do not make any reference to information not included in the original prompt or you risk losing points.  
  
Now, this essay is a compare and contrast essay since the discussion instruction is for you to "discuss both points of view and then offer a personal opinion." Since you did not create a clear idea behind the instructions for the essay in your restated thesis statement, it appears to the reader that you are presenting only a personal point of view since you use reference phrases such as "On one hand..." which means you, as the writer are making a comment. When the proper reference should have been "Public belief regarding..." and then a reference to "However, the other public opinion is that..." before making the "In my opinion..." reference. By the way, you cannot give your opinion as the concluding statement. That creates an essay without a conclusion since you discussed new information in that paragraph instead of offering a summary of the discussion. You will lose points because of that.  
  
Now, basing your score on the mistake in the argument presented, the lexical issues, grammar and punctuation problems, along with under explained paragraphs and problematic use of cohesive devices, I believe that your score will fall somewhere between the 5-6 range.
## more money for low income earners?

  
  
A sharp increase in the minimum wage or keep the the minimum wage  
Many people agree about increasing minimum wage for them to support their family and keep up with the cost of living, while many people disagrees about increasing minimum wage. They want to keep a right amount of minimum wage instead of a sharp increases in the minimum wage. I strongly disagree with the sharp increase in the minimum wage because the increases of the minimum wage will make the consumer goods to be higher, companies will reduced the working hours, and increase the unemployment rate.  
  
One of the disadvantages is increase in the consumer goods. The fast-food restaurants will increase the prices because they have to raise the wage of their employees. For example, a donut used to cost $0.50 each, but after the sharp increase of the minimum wage a donut will cost about $2.00. In other words, a donut will costs more after the sharp increase. The increase of the minimum wage will make the consumer goods to be higher.  
  
Another disadvantage is employees will work less hours than before. The companies will cut back the hours on employees in order for them to have enough salary to pay the employees. A lot of employees is struggling to pay bills and afford to have a nice meal on their table because they don't have enough salary to pay for their necessary after been working less hours.  
  
Additionally, the unemployment rate will get higher each day. Some companies couldn't afford to pay for their employees because the minimum wage is too high. Therefore, they have to fire the employees that have no skills or experience. The unskilled employees will get fired by the companies which make the unemployment rate to increase.  
  
After all, I believe that the sharp increase of minimum wage will not be a good reason to support a family and keep up with the cost of living because it will have many problems after the sharp increase of the minimum wage.
... wage will make the **cost of goods** be higher, **working hours of employees decrease**, and **the unemployment rate increase**.  
  
... is **increasing** in **the price of goods**.  
... In other words, **the cost of one donut will be higher after the increasing minimum wage**. ~~The increase of ... to be higher.~~  
  
Another disadvantage is **that** employees ...  
... on employees in order **to have enough salary to pay salary**. A lot of employees **will have to struggle to pay expenses because their salary is too low after the decrease in working hours.**  
  
... the employees **who** have ...; **as a result, there are big number of people being unemployed**. ~~The low-quality employees will get fired ...~~  
  
After all, I believe that **the governments should not increase minimum wage because of its cos. However, they can improve citizens' income by making more employment.**
Queenie, your approach to this essay is too simple for a CBEST essay. The way you wrote it only qualifies you as an IELTS test taker. Not a California Best Education Skills taker. There needs to be a deeper sense of logical analysis of the given prompt on your part. Your reasoning needs to be better presented. Threshed out in a manner that looks at both sides of one argument. The pros and the cons of your subject sentence must be looked into, with an explanation of why the cons do not outweigh the pros in the given scenario.  
  
As a CBEST exam taker, you need to be able to present an almost college level type of writing. One that does not use shallow reasoning such as the price of donuts, using made up computational parameters. The test requires analyzed information based on public reasoning. So instead of donuts, use the price of gasoline, groceries, or utilities instead. Something that shows a sense of maturity and responsibility on your part that helps to drive home the point that you not only understand what the problem is about, but that you are also affected by it. Think like a teacher trying to get a message across to your students in a written form. That is the best way to approach this test since it is a qualifying exam for California based educators.  
  
The opinion will be best served by using personal ramifications as this creates a deeper understanding and analysis of the prompt you were provided. While the comparison discussion is required in this instance, you still need to balance the discussion in terms of portraying to personal opinion. So you could present the public opinion as the con side and your personal side as the pro side.  
  
In the end, the best way for you to learn how to approach the writing of these essays would be for you to read the examples at this forum. Learn from their mistakes and apply the advice given to the other exam takers towards the improvement of your own writing. That should help to speed up your learning process.
## Good Advice you have Received

  
  
I have ever received some advice in my life.  
Something about the practical ideas, and something about the suggestions of the life guidance.  
  
Now I'm going to talk about the actual plans. Well, somebody tells me the thoughts about the appearance. They said you have to find out your excellent wearing style as quickly as possible. Because when you dress well when you dress in good taste, and you make up, and you will have confidence.  
  
And also to do the anti-ageing job as soon as possible. Like doing the sun-screen work every day and cut down the sugar, set the regular bedtime, also do the exercises. These are all the steps can make the anti-ageing. And the next idea is about the hospital.  
  
If there is one time, you got over five pimples on your face; the proper way is to go to the hospital to see the doctor. Cus this is the skin disease. And if you have lousy mood over one month, the best way is to go to see the psychological doctor. Also if you want to know how to solve your problem, Google. Google can explain everything in your life almost.  
  
Ok, let us tend to the second part, is about the suggestions of the life guidance. A few years ago, I watched a Ted talk. The title is thirty is not the new twenties. And the woman in there said, now is your time to size your adulthood and get some identity capital, use your week ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or what you didn't do. You are deciding your life right now.  
  
This ted talk impressed me. From then on, I know it is time to choose my life correctly. It's time to what do what Should I do. And don't waste time on the useless exploring.
Jessie, this essay is not very well focused on terms of topic and thesis statement. I am going to make a guess here an assume that you just made up a topic for discussion without really having any example of how to create or develop a topic for discussion. When you write an essay, your opening paragraph must always be clear about the foundation of the discussion topic. What is the reasoning behind it? Why does the reader need to hear what you have to say? What will your essay actually focus on? These elements remain unclear throughout the first part of your essay.  
  
You have a tendency to use connecting words such as "because" as well as "and", something not academically allowed because the idea behind the connecting words is to connect 2 different but related ideas in a sentence. Therefore, it is to be used in the middle, not at the beginning of a sentence where there is no thought process to connect.  
  
The paragraphs presented do not really carry a sense of logical explanation nor cohesive paragraphs. You are just rattling off thoughts without giving thought as to the purpose of your declarations. If you simply speak for the purpose of speaking, then you are not making any sense nor delivering a clear discussion to your reader. This renders your essay boring, confusing, and useless for your intended audience. Learn to use transition paragraphs when changing the discussion from topic to another (e.g. pimples to TED talk). Explain how the two differing discussions connect before you start a new discussion. Make sure the reader is clear on the connection otherwise the reader is left with more questions about your work than answers.
*In order to improve a country's education system, young students should be allowed to openly criticize their teachers during class time. What is your opinion? What are some other ways education systems could be improved?*  
  
## how to improve teaching methods

  
  
This is my essay:  
There is no doubt that education system has an important role in the development of a country, hence, it should be kept improving. Receiving feedback from students is one of the best way to enhance the education system. However, I am against the idea that young students should be allowed to openly criticize their teachers during the class time. This could lead to unwanted consequences and we should consider other way to transform the classroom environment for the better result.  
  
First of all, allowing children to criticize their teacher in the class might affect the quality of the lesson. For example, criticism from the students might take considerable time for studying and learning objectives of that lesson might not be reached in such limited time. Other students who might not be interested in the subject would lose their attention for the lesson. Hence, this notion though innovative but not very much applicable in a normal classroom.  
  
Besides, in order to improve the quality of education system, we could extend the time of a normal lesson. This time should be used only to receive students opinions and queries, either in the means of feedback form or conversation. This way, the teacher would be able to understand the students confusion and response immediately or privately if necessary. This solution would give students a chance to raise their voice without wasting the time of the class.  
  
In conclusion, letting the teachers be freely critisized is not an effective way to improve teaching. Instead, we should have a separate time right after the lesson for students to raise their opinions. I believe this is a way to ensure the amount of knowledge taken in in a lesson and still, improve the education system.
In introduction, i think there are 2 basic parts. They are background statement and thesis statement. The background statement should be have the same meaning as the statement given by ielts. Do not copy the ielts statement, you need to paraphrase it to use different language with the same meaning. For example ielts says " the best way" , you should say " the most efective methods". You don't need to change the word fully. " improve" can be " improving", just keep the word and change its form.
Gian, when writing the prompt paraphrase, you must never repeat any word or phrase from the original. So, rather than saying " students should be allowed to openly criticize their teachers during the class time", you should have indicated; "class time should not be used to point out problems with the teaching method of an educator" or something similar. Change the whole presentation of the fact, don't just change a small portion, that is how you will lose points because it will appear that you are not capable of expressing yourself in English in a manner that is similar to the original. That similar to the original is the whole point of the opening paraphrase. That is how the extent of your English vocabulary is first tested and in this case, you did not do a very good job at proving you have a good lexical resource for synonym words.  
  
Let me be clear though, your essay is still strong. Though faulty in terms of grammar and sentence structure, you were able to get your message across to the reader without causing too much confusion. You were still easily understood so you should get a decent, but maybe not very high, score for the GRA section. your C&C needs some work in terms of working in the transition sentences. If you can develop transition sentences between paragraphs, then your essay will be considered more cohesive in presentation though a bit problematic in terms of coherence.
*Some people believe that it is good to share as much as information as possible in scientific research, business and academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too invaluable to be shared freely.  
  
Discuss both views and five your opinion.*  
  
## effect of sharing academic data

  
  
It is true that academic knowledge has increasingly played an important role in human life, and some people argue two aspects of the publication of these information. In my point of view, this sharing has more benefits than its drawbacks.  
  
On the one hand, there some reasons why people should curb the accession of scientific and business data. The first one is that this limit can prevent from the inappropriate use of many kinds of information which could pose a threat to global safety. Making a bomb, for example, might create a worldwide war if everyone including international criminals knows about this. In addition, scientists as well as experts who devoted whole life for study should be provided relevant rewards to their achievement such as their patents or copyrights.  
  
On the other hand, the open access could bring about several advantages for the whole community. Firstly, students who do not have money for their study can easily approach various science or business knowledge. This helps young people might have an insight into their chosen field and evident references to develop current technology as well as invent the new one. Secondly, widely unveiling of technology could allow to manufacture technical products on a substantial scale. As a result, price of these goods such as smartphones, tablets, may reduce, and more people even the poor could own ones.  
  
In conclusion, while people have different views of freely publicizing academic data, personally, I think this have more beneficial effects outweigh its disadvantages on global life.
Vu, due to the fact that your essay totally discusses only your point of view rather than the two points of view as evidenced by your improper prompt paraphrase, your total essay is only partially responsive to the prompt requirements and as such, may not be able to garner a passing score because of it. The instructions are clear:  
  
Original: Discuss both views and five your opinion.  
Your Thesis: In my point of view, this sharing has more benefits than its drawbacks.  
  
What happened to the instruction about discussing both points of view? Those 2 instructions for the discussion should have been first in your prompt thesis paraphrase. It should not have been only your point of view represented. That is why your essay is only partially correct in terms of task accuracy, which will tend to lower your score in that area to a low level. Compound that with your GRA, LR, and C&C problems and there is no way that this essay can pass the test. All because you failed to properly discuss the prompt in the first place.  
  
Your paragraphs present more than one topic discussion each, when the instructions requires only one topic sentence per 5 sentence paragraph covering 3 bodies. This means that all of your paragraphs are little developed in terms of reasoning and discussion. As such, your C&C score will be greatly affected in a negative manner. Then, your grammar difficulties and inability to properly structure the sentences and paragraph has resulted in confusing and ill informed paragraphs for the reader which causes undue stress, thus further lowering your overall score.  
  
This is not a well written essay all because you did not follow the prompt requirements for the discussion. When all of your errors are added up, it may be difficult for you to get a passing score based on the scoring considerations for the Task 2 essay.