dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@thuonglt  
Hello there. Welcome to the site! Since you are new here, feel free to venture and interact with your fellow students. I'm here to provide you with feedback on this writing to hopefully help you in your future endeavors.  
  
Firstly, before I begin, my initial thoughts directly lean towards explaining that the separation of three paragraphs to compose one essay is critical. This essentially helps the readers know that you have sufficient knowledge on this topic to be able to write with ease about it. Because of this, I initially suggest that you stick with this conventional and fundamental set-up for your written work. Not doing so would certainly negatively impact the way in which your essay would be understood by the readers.  
  
Taking it a bit further, while I find that you were attempting to incorporate a lot of key details into the writing, you lacked dynamism in the overall portrayal. Consider the third paragraph onward. You were already over explaining your sentiments rather than going straight to the core issue that you wanted to focus on.
## stress-based problems are common nowadays

  
  
In today modern world, as people are under high pressure from work and life, the number of residents suffering from stress-based disorders has become increasingly higher. In this essay, some negative effects would be put forward before some feasible methods are proposed in order to combat stress-related problems.  
  
There are several serious problems resulting from stress. First and foremost, the increase in level of stress would lead to various mental disorders. Obviously, in the competitive environment, people would have a fast-paced life, in which workers have to work for extended hours, and students have to handle huge workload at school. Consequently, people would prone to experience a sense of depression leading to pessimistic attitudes towards life. Moreover, stress-related issues may severely impact on the spiritual life of society since the frustration from work may prevent them from enjoying other activities and interacting with each other.  
  
To deal with the aforementioned problem, some people suggest that national authorities may cut down the amount of working time so that people could allocate more time for recreational activities to give vent into frustration after work; therefore, their mental well-being could be uplifted. In addition, the government may hold some campaigns to emphasise more on striking a balance between work and life in order to live life to the fullest.  
  
In conclusion, various measures could be taken to address the stress-based problems which is drawn public attention these days.
@phuong1604  
Hey, dear. Welcome here. I hope that you find the feedback you are looking for in this forum.  
  
First and foremost, while I appreciate how you tried to make the first paragraph a lot more compact (despite putting a lot of information into this portion), I think that you could have still opted to omit certain fillers. For instance, the word "*some*" is often utilized to indicate a dedicated quantity that one is unsure of. In a lot of instances, such as in your first paragraph, it can be left behind without affecting much of the content.  
  
Furthermore, the latter portions of your essay require a bit more of a tangible, concrete examples are required to showcase that your essay has a lot more grounding than others. If you are able to do this, you'll have a more intensive focus in your writing, letting you focus a lot more on developing more critical insights for your writing.
## the power of family values

  
  
Families play an integral part of the society whose ingredients are many types of families. As the society is changing day-to-day, diverse family types appear and give our lives more nuance, especially two clear types of families - a traditional and a modern one. These two types have plenty of differences and effects on the general public especially in an Oriental country like Vietnam. Firstly, the family size of two family types are unquestionably dissimilar. Simply called an extended family, a tradional family usually makes up of three or four generations living together: grandparents, parents, uncles, aunts, children which is different from a modern family just having a married couple and their children. Secondly, the childcare in a traditional family is better than one in a modern family because a traditional family has many people to take care of their children whereas a couple in a nuclear family need to arrange their schedules to work sensibly with a view to spending enough time for on the supervision of their children. Furthermore, the position of man in a family is not in sympathy. In a traditional family, grandfather is the most influential due to his authority of making all family decisions. On the contrary, a modern family always has an equality of gender which means men and women have the same rights and obligations in teaching children, both of them work outside and join hands to do household chores and care for the children. This major difference in the men's position in families has an impact on children's behaviors. If children live in extended families, they must obey all the instructions and determinations of their fathers or grandfathers while children live in nuclear families are able to express their feelings freely and decide whether they accept the decisions of adults or not. Finally, that a lot of generations live together is capable of making disputes and conflicts as well; the more members the family has, the more different in viewpoints and ideas, conversely, disagreements in a family with only two generations are few wherefore parents and children are easy to cater for each individuality. All in all, the most crucial thing is that family members are conscious of family values which are motive powers to enhance their spirituality in life no matter which types of families they are in.
@mimichangchang  
Hey, welcome! I hope that you appreciate this feedback. If you like what you see in this forum, don't hesitate to approach us again and become an active member of this community.  
  
First and foremost, I truly appreciate how compact the first portions of the essay are. This makes it easier to digest the core values of your text because of how composed the writing is. I recommend sticking to this formatting throughout to ensure that you are blending in with ease.  
  
I commend how put-together your writing is in terms of grammatical fundamentals. You had quite a good grasp of grammar already, making it easier to see through your content.  
  
Remember, though, that it is critical that you have a distinguishable set of content. Having appropriate lengths for your paragraphs would assist you immensely in ensuring that you are not over explaining. If you take a look at your text, it appears to be rather just one block of text. It would be nicer to stick with a more appropriate and conventional style of having a separate portion for the introduction, body, and paragraph. This will help you maximize your writing as well.
## IELTS Academic essay task 2, Museums and Internet

  
  
In past museums storaged information about cultural and history. However, nowadays this information can be found through internet. And therefore, there is no need for museums.  
  
Do you agree or disagree?  
  
Museums are considered to be one of the ways to conserve the information of the past centuries. However many people argue the essentially of their existence in the modern technology era where the internet restore all kinds of data. This essay will discuss the issue from cultural and financial aspects to reveal why I disagree that museums are not needless.  
  
In the non stoppable technology era, first of all, internet is easy to be accessible from everywhere beyond any boundaries. secondly , it is cheaper than visit museums to watch the picture of the Mona liza drown by Vinci, without tack in the account the costs such as visa, tickets, accommodation and related expenses that can be more useful to be lost in such a way. Thirdly, In contrast to museums where natural disasters or negligence are likely to destroy the remarkable features of the archeological pieces, data in internet would not be affected by these causes and will be maintained safely forever without get harm.  
  
Notwithstanding, museums have been and always will be apart of preseving the ancient information for example tools, clothing and even gravies. Keep the three dimensions real touchable things is what distinguish museums and reflects why they outperform the pixels resorting network.  
  
Moreover, the country get many benefits for instance the financial revenues come from museums which they act like tourist destination attract many individuals like my friend Mohammed, when he intentionally visit France to see the Louver museum as it is one of the landmarks.  
  
To sum up, despite the drawbacks of the museums overall they can be handled but the question which should be asked, how to cope these problems in conjunction with internet?
Hey there, I think you did a great job with the idea of the essay, but it is missing the refinement and analysis that could set it miles apart from other similarly positioned pieces.  
  
first of all, I would preface the intro with an anecdote or example that really highlights the feel museums give that technology just can't. This will hook in the reader and keep them interested.  
  
**This essay will discuss the issue from cultural and financial aspects to reveal why I disagree that museums are not needless.**  
second, don't explicitly state this, instead make an open thesis that answers this.  
**friend Mohammed, when he intentionally visit France to see the Louver museum**  
finally, expand this idea- it is personal. Also, fix the grammatical errors you have -> 'when he intentionally visitED France"  
keep working and i'm sure your finished product will be amazing!
## the major - general doctor - why?

  
  
Currently, I'm a student at Hue University of Medicine and Pharmacy. My major is general doctor. I want to prescrible for people why I choose this branch of learning. I was born in Gia Lai but I have been living in Hue since 2018.  
  
Well, when it comes to holiday in Vietnam, I like the most Tet holiday and it is a public holiday in Vietnamese tradition. The holiday is the time for relaxation and reunion with my friends and my family after a busy study year. I often take the chance to share with my parents about my life events in the past year. On Tet holiday, I make the preparations such as wrapping Chung cake, decorating the house. On New Year's Eve, the fireworks are often let off at some crowed point. We stay up all night to celebrate the turning moment and say out best wishes. The children are interesting when they recived red evenlop. People dress up in traditional costumes with attractive designs when they visit their relative or the pagodas. Everything is just so wonderful and amazing!
Hi, there. I would like to advise you some tips about your IELTS writing.  
  
If you want to improve your writing score of IELTS, you should make a clear writing structure. That is,  
  
1.Overall meaning ( Paraphrase)  
2.Main idea (Explain your reason and give an example)  
3.Main idea (Explain your reason and give an example)  
4. Conclusion (Without conclusion,you will never reach band 5)  
  
Hope my advice can help you.😁😁
## numbers of the citizen in two distinct earth districts

  
  
The given bar chart illustrated the total number of the citizen in two distinct earth districts during the period 2015 to 2040.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the figure of the urban president did not the same among developed regions and developing regions. There are have a leveling out how many people in urban, who lived in developed regions. While the figure for developing regions steadily grow up every year.  
  
Looking 2015, the statistics of the citizen in two different world regions one after another was 1200 million and over 2000 million people. After this year, the number of urban populations in developed regions is the same. The opposite is true for the data of developing regions.  
  
Each year, the total number of urban people in developing regions increased by more than 500 million people on average. This figure increased to nearly 3000 million people in 2025 and then continue to decline to just over 3 million people by the end of the period. The year 2040 saw a rise in how many citizens in developing regions. The statistics reached a peak of 4000 million in 2040, nearly 3 times larger than the number of developed regions.
@Estelle133  
Hi, there. I would like to advise you some tips about your IELTS writing.  
  
1. Be careful of your grammar. ("There are..or they have" Not "There are have..)  
  
2. Use Synonyms more frequently. (Urban=city, Region=district=territory)  
  
3.Try not to use simple words (eg:same=equvelent =equal to=similar)  
  
Hope these tips may help!
## Australian citizens without any occupation

  
  
The line graph illustrates the percentage of citizens without occupations in city districts and countryside territories from the beginning of 2012 to the last of 2012 in Australia.  
  
Overall, the ratio of unemployment in countryside showed downward in the first two quarters while the other portion of city area was displayed upward. However, it is exceedingly apparent that both proportions which displayed the citizens without job decreased dramatically at the beginning of third quarter.  
  
After the downward trend, both lines went to the steady upward trend for a period of time. Nevertheless,when the percentages of rural sections reached around 5.5%, it suddenly turned into fluctuated situation which can be apparently seem the line ups and downs until the last month of 2012. On the contrary, the city districts depicted the third-increased trend from around 3.9% to 4.9% in the last quarter of 2012.  
  
Moreover, the percentages between both areas in last quarter are the closest compared to another period of quarters.  
  
*
@roswita116  
Hello there. Welcome to the forum. I hope you find this feedback to be somewhat helpful for your writing endeavors.  
  
First and foremost, it would be appreciated if you had a more straightforward writing approach. Take, for example, your first paragraph. You had a lengthy sentence as your introduction - and this certainly drags your essay to the core. I would opt for shorter and more concise sentences, especially because you shouldn't feel the need to overexplain certain thoughts or opinions.  
  
Having said that, I would also mention that you have to be more cautious of the way that you construct your sentences. Remember to incorporate appropriate punctuation and pauses (ie. take a look at your second paragraph's first sentence).  
  
Small details pile up and do matter in the end.
## three economic sectors in the UK - statistics

  
  
The bar chart gives information about the movement of three economic sectors in the UK over the 10-year period.  
Overall, the trends of the agricultural and manufacturing sector were downward, whereas, the percentage of service activities increased significantly during that period.  
  
In 1900, the agricultural sector made up to roughly 50%, remaining the highest portion in the U.K. economy. For 50 years later, that number was still unchanged while the proportion of the producing sector decreased steadily  
  
over a period of ten years.  
  
However, from 1975 onwards, there was a dramatic increase in the percentage of business and financial activities, reaching nearly 40% in 2000. Whereas, the agricultural zone experienced a sudden fall in the total contribution from 1975 to 2000 before bottoming at only approximately 2% in the final year.  
  
In conclusion, during that period there was a significant variation in the distribution of three ergonomic sectors in the UK, in particular, the service activities replaced the agriculture ones to achieve the most proportion.  
  
*   
*Topic*
The bar graph compares the percentages of each of three sectors contributed in Britain economy from 1900 to 2000.Overall, the financial sector was flourishing dramatically when years went by, in contrast to the agriculture and the manufacturing sectors.  
  
As is presented, 1900 saw a huge contribution from agriculture and manufacturing both more than 44% while the business stood only at 4%.The next 5 decades, the manufacturing fraction decreased a little bit by 4% whereas the agriculture peaked at 55%,the business sector was continue rising 10 %.  
  
1975 witnessed dwonward sharply in the agriculture and gradually in the manufacturing except the business sector which it has been doubled than it's previous percentage, at the end of the century the same trend was followed, the least contribution is the agriculture sector by 3%and the most is the business which recorded more over than 35% and the manufacturing in between.
I am preparing for my CBEST writing exam this Satarday. Please help me review my essay. I will appreciate any advise.  
  
## Changing my career for teaching

  
  
*Describe a particular time in your life when you had difficulty making an important decision. Identify the situation and explain whether you were able to resolve the problem. If it was resolved, how? If not, why not - what happened?*  
  
During the course of our life we make several significant and difficult decisions that affect our lives. These decisions affect our professional and personal choices. Moreover, these decisions were made carefully and thoughtfully. The hardest decision I have made was changing my career.  
  
Changing my career from programming field to teaching wasn't an easy decision. After I graduated from high school with an excellent GPA, I have had many options to choose from. However, my parent's willingness has prioritized my wishes and affect my choice. After four years I graduate with B.S in software engineering.  
  
Finding a job wasn't hard to me because programming is a demanding career. Having great benefits such as medical insurance, good means and comfortable environment made my decision to quit the job harder and harder. Moreover, failing in the new career was extremely fears me. Failing isn't easy especially when you were challenging your whole family about the new decision. I doubled my effort and performance to be successes in my new job.  
  
Teaching has been always my passion. I think teaching is product of people not only books and papers. Being a teacher was sufficient to provide me with lot of happiness, joy and love. Shorter work hours helped me to have time to enjoy my kids and prepare a warm dinner every night.  
  
Eventually, everything in the begging has some complexity. Thinking with new stuff fears us, but sometimes we should challenge ourselves. Surrounding with love every single morning made it worth it to change to a new career.
@Adam\_zain  
Hey, dear. Welcome to the forum. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for you. Before I proceed with the feedback, I would like to say good luck to your writing exam!  
  
Firstly, be cautious of the tenses of the composition of your words. This should as well include the usage of punctuation and appropriate words to encapsulate your text. Make sure that you are abiding by the minimum requirements to have a clearer approach towards writing. Take a look at your immediate introductory paragraph. You should have placed a comma (at least) before the word *we* because of the manner of your composition.  
  
Furthermore, try to evade being repetitive in your language. Notice how there's no drastic difference between the last sentence of the first paragraph and the first sentence of the second one. While these are small differences, it certainly pays off in terms of maximizing the space that you have.  
  
Furthermore, try to merge thoughts that are similar with each other to avoid being unnecessary content-wise. For instance, the paragraphs that sandwich your writing about teaching could both be merged into one singular chunk of text as your concluding remarks. Prioritizing is key here.
Hello. This is the first time I've posted on this forum. English is my second language and I hope you will point out which I need to improve on my essays. I really appreciate all of your help and thank you for your time.  
  
***The best way to solve world's environmental problem is to increase the price of fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
## an effective way to save the environment

  
  
The world is greatly concerned about environmental pollution. Most people assume that it is due to the enormous fuel consumption, and the idea of increasing the price of fuel has been risen recently. Personally, I strongly agree with it and believe this solution would make a big impact on the mission of protecting the environment.  
  
In our daily activities, fuel is essential for machines and vehicles to operate normally, and through this, the amount of carbon dioxide in the air has been growing quickly in past decades. Modernizing is good, but its disadvantages cannot be unseen. The need for fuel consumption just increases day by day, until now, global warming has become a major problem. Therefore, it is necessary that the price of fuel should be higher so that everyone would be actually aware of saving fuel and reduce using it. Money is the key of this solution as human's usual highest priorities are about financial problems.  
  
Some people think that it is unreasonable to cut back on fuel consumption by increasing its price. The main point is that many human activities would be affected significantly by this change. But there are alternatives to using fuel, and people would look for these to save their money while the price of fuel is going up. For example, we can use bicycles or other electric vehicles instead of ones consuming fuel. Scientists and are trying to find ways to exploit other renewable and environmentally-friendly resources. And we can totally look forward to it because there has been some considerate development in this field.  
  
Increasing the price of fuel may be harsh for people, but it is an effective way to make them do something to save the environment.