dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Doung, you are not fully utilizing the given information in the line chart. Your essay is composed solely of run-on sentences that do not have an actual analysis of the information you were presented with. You did not follow the appropriate format for writing a Task 1 analytical essay. Your information presentation is going to be pulled down in terms of TA, GRA, and C&C considerations because you are writing without pause. Thus making the information difficult to understand, analyze, and remember for the reader perusing your summarized report. It does not come across as a true analysis of the information because you are only repeating the same information without doing any true comparison analysis in the essay.  
  
It is not enough to say that a portion went up and a portion went down. Compare all 3 crimes based on periodical information, cross comparisons, and similarity points. Not just on the obvious. The main instruction for these essays is always "makes comparisons when relevant" and in this instance, the comparison points where the 2 of the 3 crimes intersect should have been reflected as well.  
  
A critical eye is required in order to get a good Task 1 score. That means, you need to find the less obvious information and report upon it. That report boosts your score because the examiner knows that you actually took the time to study the image, rather than rushing to write what you can because you were watching the clock.  
  
Therefore, this essay has the following problems that you should improve upon next time:  
  
1. A lack of proper paragraph representation of 3-5 sentences. Avoid run-on and long sentences that combine all the information using commas to connect independent topic ideas.  
  
2. There are 3 trending statements that should be summarized into one in this essay as per the crime rate presentation. Robbery had a steady upward trend, burglary was downward, and car theft fluctuated regularly over the given time period. These should have been summarized into one trending sentence as part of the summary overview. Your trending representation was inaccurate and flawed in this instance because you did not really bother to study the actual trend for each. There was no rate of crime that was left relatively unchanged over the given time period.  
  
3. A deeper analysis of comparison points. After stating the obvious sections in the presentation, go back and review the chart one more time for presentations you might have missed during the outlining and drafting process. Add the information then review, revise, and edit the content before submission.
## accepting only well-qualified students to universities?

  
  
**Topic: Many people say that universities should only offer to young students with high marks, others say that they should accept people of all ages, even if they did not do well. Discuss both views and give your own opinions.**  
  
A major debate in the field of taking parts in universities revolves around the issue of whether educational institutes should accept well-qualified students or scholars of all ages without assessing their current academic levels. This essay will delve into both viewpoints and voice my personal opinions.  
  
On the one hand, it is admitted that students with decent marks should be trained by reputed universities. Intellectual personnel such as doctors, lawyers, etc are feted in their countries these days. In addition, these people are lucrative sources of the national budget. American conglomerates exemplify perfectly in this case. Renowned companies have stimulated highly qualified IT workers by attractive salary policies with the aim of competing other firms. Therefore, intellectual students not only benefit their own countries by accelerating national GDP rate but also shelter their families from monetary burdens. Consequently, it is vital for educational authorities to encourage well-performed scholars to pursue higher education.  
  
On the other hand, people should be given the freedom to do what they desire and embarking on universities is not an exception. It is absurd to say that education plays no useful role in the adulthood. The country would extremely benefit if it's citizens decide to learn in universities despite their ages. However, senior learners must be applied to certain training programs provided appropriately by universities.  
  
To conclude, I believe that everyone can freely broaden knowledge by applying to a university in conformity with his or her financial conditions. Notwithstanding, students who capable of affording universities' courses, should not be profitable from national funding for education.
Duong, let me start by telling you what you did well in this essay. You performed well in your first 2 body paragraphs that compare the two schools of thought. There is a balance in the discussion and a clear sense of logic in your reasoning. You also met the sentence requirement per paragraph. You also did an acceptable job of paraphrasing the prompt topic and discussion requirement although there are some aspects for improvement there. These are the good points in your presentation. Now for the negatives.  
  
First up, is a look at your opening paragraph. The first sentence is a run on sentence. This should have been divided into 2 separate but related sentences because these represent 2 different discussion topics. Separating the topics into individual sentence presentations would not have only helped increase your TA score, but also further boosted your GRA score as you would have shown a better mix of complex and simple sentences throughout the presentation.  
  
Now, about the personal opinion aspect of the discussion. One of the most common mistakes that the test takers make is that they often use the concluding paragraph to present their personal opinion. That is a definite mistake that further reduces your TA score because your essay does not have an actual conclusion. The personal opinion is a stand alone 5 sentence explanation of your beliefs regarding the topic. The concluding paragraph functions in a different manner though. The concluding paragraph is used to summarize the information in the 3 body paragraphs and remind the reader about the discussion topic. This is considered the closing aspect of the essay. No new information can be introduced at that point because you are simply finalizing the discussion at that point. So, personal opinion = 1 paragraph and the concluding paragraph = 1 paragraph summary of the discussion.  
  
Overlooking these 2 problems though, I can say that you did a good job in discussing this essay just the same. You remained on track for the most part and used relevant information and easily understandable examples to drive your point home. Good job.
when choosing a job, salary is the most important consideration. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
## Salary importance at work

  
  
These days, many people choose a job with high salary. In my opinion, I disagree that money plays an important role in deciding on a career. I believe there are other important considerations when choosing a job.  
  
On the other hand, money is essential to our lives. We all need money to survive and meet our basic needs. For example, we have to pay for housing, health care, education and so on from the salary that we earn from our work. As a result, money impoves people's standard living. By contrast, others choose their jobs based on enjoyment. For instance, musicians and artists are considered to be professions where passion is more than money, but they do not always make enough money to fulfil all their desires.  
  
However, I believe money is not the most important factor for people choosing a job. There are other essential aspects to find a career. Firstly, the physical environment of a workplace extremely significant when you choose an occupation. A good work environment has a lot of positive effects on employees. For example, if they work in a positive workplace, they will be happy and make more productive and mke less mistakes. Therefore, they can improve their skills and professions. Moreover, some people choose a career just beacause they want to contribute something positive for society such as activists, doctors, teachers and so on.  
  
In conclusion, although money has a strong effect on people's lives, I believe that it is not the only thing that should be looked for.
some recommendations for your essay:  
1. on the one hand  
2. healthcare  
3. we ~~all~~ need  
4. improves  
5. standard of living/living standard  
6. jobs based on enjoyment => jobs base on job satisfaction  
7. professions => professionals  
8. where passion is more than money => where money is pale in significance compares to passion  
9. fulfill  
10. ... of a workplace is extremely ...  
11. they will be more happy and ~~make more~~ productive  
12. mke less => make fewer  
13. because  
14. contribute something positive for society => contribute positively to the society  
  
11. they will be happier and more productive. Sorry :))
Nguyen, this is an extent essay that requires a measurement of response or emotional response to the prompt. This is not a direct discussion essay as you have it presented in your prompt paraphrase paragraph. While you did disagree, there is a lack of measurement or emotion in your response, making it only partly responsive to the prompt provided. Look at the mistake that you made:  
  
*Prompt: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Response: I disagree that money plays an important role in deciding on a career.*  
  
Based on the content of your body of paragraphs, your more appropriate response should have been:  
  
*I partly agree with this statement because...*  
  
In order to create a stronger discussion, present your discussion / 3 body paragraphs in the following manner next time:  
  
Par. 2 - Reason you disagree with the statement. 1 topic with full supporting explanations and sample.  
  
Par. 3 - Reason you agree with the statement. Make sure to fully explain yourself with examples if required. One topic only as well.  
  
Par. 4 - Opinion that combines the two reasons into a balanced example of why both aspects of the agreement and disagreement are correct.  
  
Following this example would further strengthen your position of standing in the middle when it comes to supporting the best and worst of the 2 arguments. BTW, remember to properly summarize the discussion presentation in your concluding statement next time. Look at examples of how to do that in the other essays provided at this forum.
## Admission rates to British schools

  
  
The given charts give information about the number of students at university in the UK from 1991 to 2001, government spending and the types of family economic background they came from in 1991.  
  
A chart table, line graph and pie chart compare the total of British undergraduates, national student subsidy in pounds and family financial situations from 1991 to 2001. Family financial levels comprise low income, middle income and high income. Students grants were offered by government in pounds.  
  
Overall, the number of undergraduates increased and peaked in 1999. Otherwise, there was a downward trend in student grants by government. The majority of students pursuing higher education came from middle income families in 1991 whereas one in eight students were born in the low income.  
  
Clearly, the year 1991 saw 62% of 1.1 million university admissions were students having middle income families. They were the most financially supported throughout the period by the government with comparatively 6500 pounds each. The figure for undergraduates mounted to the highest of 2.1 millions whose personal government subsidy hit the bottom at 4750 pounds in 1999. It remained to finance 2 million students respectively in 2001.  
  
Although the gross of British would-be graduates doubled from 1991 to 1999, the 2001's total registered a slight fall to 2 million. Also, government budget allocated per students decreased sharply from above 6000 to around 4500 pounds which persisted for the last two years of the period. However, students born in wealthy families were half as many as the middle income one, 30% versus 62%.  
  
*
Yen, this is a very well developed and clearly presented analysis of the pie chart, line graph, and chart table. Your information, based on each provided illustration shows a deep analysis of the given information and the explanations are valid and related to the discussions. If there is one thing missing in your overall presentation though, it would have to be the trending statement. I do not see one in the overview or individual paragraphs for each of the provided measurement figures. Based on my analysis of each illustration, each image has a developing trend based on the numbers provided.  
  
The middle class was the growing trend for students enrolled based on economic background, there was a decrease in government funding for the students enrolled, and the number of students enrolled showed an increasing trend. All of these information should have been part of the summary overview that you presented. This could have been presented as a single complex sentence at the end of the first paragraph or at the end of the essay if you wished to. Either way, it is a required part of the presentation that you neglected to properly present.
*Please recommend detailed score for the following essay. Thanks!*  
  
## skyline towers or horizontal residences?

  
  
**Some people think that it is best to live in a horizontal city while others think of a vertical city. Discuss both view and give your opinion. Write at least 250 words.**  
  
*Answer*  
  
There has been a debate about whether horizontal city or vertical one is a better place to abide. While settling down in horizontal residence is commended, the opponents advocate skyscraper city. Although both kinds of residential properties serve a number of advantages, however, I believe the latter prevails over the former.  
  
On the one hand, choosing a horizontal city as your residence provides you peace of mind. The classic house and lot packages in horizontal areas certainly ensure senior homebuyers whose dream is a retirement abode fresher air and greener space to keep their body and mind healthy. Also, they can enjoy a greater sense of community if newlyweds raise their young families in here.  
  
On the other hand, vertical cities with an upsurge of highrises and population are recognised for its economy and convenience. This ideal environment substitutes roads that service horizontal cities for vertical commuting to reduce air pollutions, shorten the distances and preserve our horizontal spaces for agriculture and recreation. For example, Tanjong Pagar Centre, Singaporean tallest vertical city skyscraper, which attains the maximum efficiency offers residents with a complex use of housing, retail, office, hotel, gym and community space.  
  
From my perspective, despite concerns about the resilience of skyline towers, the advantages of vertical city outweigh those of horizontal residences. It is clear that future overpopulation will outgrow globe's resources and severely contaminate it. Thereby, vertical city must be resorted to sustain ourselves.  
  
Briefly, nobody can deny people increasingly tend to inhabit in either vertical or horizontal city due to various reasons. While vertical living boosts work productivity, horizontal neighbourhoods bond us together. However, it appears to me that vertical city will play a vital role as a future recourse compared to horizontal city.
## The number of male vs female smokers

  
  
The line chart illustrates the ratio of men and women smoked in Someland between 1960 and 2000. Overal, the rate of male smokers outweighed the females.  
As is shown, in 1960, the percentage of men shot up at 600 in every 1000 people then decreased gradually over a forty- year period before constituting under 300 people at the end of the term. In contrast, the rate of women went through a period of wild volatility. Form 1960 to 1975, the figure went up steadily, reaching a peak of 300 followed by a plateau for 5 years. After 1980, the number went down marginally before turning back to 1970's level in 2000 which shows that the ratio of females doubled in 40 years.  
  
In conclusion, the rate of male smokers was greater than that of female counterparts although the female figure witnessed a little increase in the middle of the period.  
  
I will have an IELTS test next month so it is really helpful if I receive your comments. Thank you a lot  
  
*
You're welcome. Below are my suggestions  
 ~~smoked~~ -> smoking/ smokers  
~~overal~~-> overall  
~~wild~~-> abrupt  
~~volatility.~~ -> fluctuation  
~~form~~ -> from  
-It is OK to understand your essay's meaning but this is not a proper essay with separate parts. The introduction has 2 unclear sentences and lacks of information.Also., the trend is that the number of male smokers dropped significantly while the number of female smokers increased.
Nguyen, you definitely met the minimum word count and even went over by one word. However simply meeting the word count does not mean that you will pass the test when you do not follow the required format nor deliver on an analytical report of the presented line graph. You did not really write a summary overview, nor did you provide an acceptable trending statement. This essay was written in a rush and did not give much thought to actually working on an academic presentation in order to meet a passing mark. You only wrote for the sake of writing in this instance, which is definitely a bad way of writing a task 1 essay. I know this is your first time writing a Task 1 essay so let me offer you some advice as to how to best deliver the 4 paragraph format.  
  
1st Paragraph (Summary Overview):  
1. Topic statement  
2. Measurement type  
3. Measurement brackets  
4. Trending statement  
  
Example:  
  
*A line graph has been provided for comparison and review purposes. It indicates information regarding the number of male and female smokers in Someland. A red line measures the male smokers and the red line measures the female smokers. The smokers are measured per gender at a rate of 1,000 people based on a 5 year comparison covering the years of 1960 up to 2000. The trend shows a decrease in male smokers from 1960 to 2000 and an increase in female smokers over the same period.*  
  
2nd - 4th Paragraph:  
  
Do a measurement comparison for both genders over a 15 year period. Mention the individual then the group comparisons. Make sure to note any similar measurement ranges. Never discuss all of the information in a single paragraph. That creates confusion for the reader and portrays an under developed discussion of the given information. Paragraph formatting is important for coherence and cohesiveness. Split up the paragraphs into discussions covering 15 years at a time (e.g. 1960 +1965+1970 = 1 paragraph discussion) There is no need for a discussion as this is a paraphrasing of given information. There is no conclusion to be made.
I have some recommendations for your essay. Firstly, it is vital to have a sturdy structure, you should have 1 to 2 sentences for the introduction and the overall. Subsequently, possessing 3-4 sentences in the next 2 paragraphs. And what I do like about your essay that it actually has a conclusion which is a very good way to lengthen an essay. Notwithstanding, I think you should develop your idea like this with the purpose of securing decent word count. In each main paragraph, you should say the overall trend, more specific details, and comparison. I always write a writing task 1 essay like that.
## Funds to develop art and culture.

  
  
*Topic: Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture, others think supporting cultural activities may be beneficial for the population and the culture. Discuss both views and give your own opinion*  
  
Music and some art works are considered as the soul of human's life. Furthermore, these can be milestones of historical periods. That's the reason why government of many countries are investing amounts of money to preserve , and giving way to develop art and culture. Nevertheless, many people against this action. In my opinion, I believe that the advantages of aiding the cultural activities are far more outweighed than the disadvantages .  
  
As we may know, culture of each country is different from the other. It partially contributes to the unique beauty of one country. However, the more modern the life is, the more risk many continents are facing with losing cultural identity. To prevent that matter, head of countries are putting their funds on supporting art and culture. For example, Ao dai which is a traditional dress of Vietnamese women are protected and inherited through many generations. Vietnamese Government has hold many international events where attendants are required to wear Ao Dai. In addition, most of the international show , especially having the participation of foreigners, are performed by artist dancers of Vietnam. These are some ways that Vietnamese government uses to reserve the beauty of Vietnamese traditions and help their women become more elegant and beautiful. Therefore, I strongly agree that supporting money for developing culture is the right things to do.  
  
On the other hand, there are still many opinions dissapproving of raising money for cultural activities. The result of one survey shows that, people in this group believe that government funding should be spending on boosting the economy. However, From what I learned from school if one country want to be stronger , its society has to be stable first. To do that thing, culture is the most important factor. It teach people about behavior and the connection between men and men.  
  
Besides, lots of people lost their trust with many organizations who take advantage of the money supporting for cultural. For example, they ask for help from publication and then they take away the large of money to do their own business. Government should have more methods to ensure the money comes directly to cultural cooperations .  
  
In conclusion, reserving the beauty of culture is very important. Not only Government but also population should involve more to protect cultural heritage.
## nature and nurture

  
  
This is a writting task 2 in ielts exam :  
*It's generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for music and sport, and others are not. However, it's sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become good sports person or musician*.  
  
Discuss the two ideas giving your opinion. ==> i am m ielts practice beginer. this is my first essay, please help me to improve my writting skill. Thanks in advance.  
  
Nature and nurture - two normal issues in our life. Some people were born with their special talent. However, some rest is not and they must be trained to become profession. My two cents, Practice is a key which is not only turning a natural talent become more profession, but also making impossible into possible.  
  
First and foremost, some children has their own talents because of genetic origin, which make them excel than others. For instance, a boy has flexible legs which help him run faster than his friends. However, if he is deprived of practise, his talent will become nothing special.  
  
On the other hand, a child who was born with no talents and he/she want to have some special things to make himself/herself become out standing. The only way they can do is that find things they love and practise every day. That way will boot them to high profession and excel.  
  
On the whole, when we do something with endeavour, we will have good results. Nothing is impossible if we do our best with massive effort.