dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Riandi, your summary is quite short. It does not carry the complete information that the video and transcript offer. You did not refer at all to the past treatments for PTSD and the current treatments being used. There should have been a discussion centering upon the need to retrain these soldiers suffering from PTSD for civilian life. The informative summary should have, at the very least, mentioned a quick list of the treatments that Hector Garcia suggested in the video. In order to have written an effective summary of the video, you should have included reference to the successful treatment done on Carlos and how it transpired. Your current summary tells me that you just forgot to refer to these things in specific terms. That is because you have written a nice overview of the simple, but irrelevant parts of the video presentation in your summary. All you have to do is make sure to lengthen the essay by adding the important points to it somewhere in the middle part of the summary essay.
Shantel, I guess the question that I was left with when I read your introduction was, "Why did she want all the bees dead?" You need to explain about it as more than just because they disturbed the peace around you. Surely there was more to this than that because simply creating noise while you want quiet doesn't deserve a wish to eradicate the whole species of an insect. Now, if you told me that you said that because you are allergic to bee stings, then the statement about having them all dead would make more sense.  
  
Next question, what is the writing format for your essay? Is it supposed to be APA, MLA, Chicago, Turabian or what? The reason I ask is because the in-text citations seem to need some format revision. There is something wrong about the way that you are posting your in-text citation. Just can't pinpoint what it is because I am not sure about the formatting you are being instructed to use. Once you tell me which of the aforementioned formats you are using, I can better advise you regarding the format for in-text citations.  
  
By the way, I need you to add spaces between your paragraph to signify the start of a new topic discussion within your essay. The essay is a bit difficult to read at the moment due to the page compression. However, I am confident that the essay will get better once my suggested revisions are implemented.
**The graph compares the estimated maximum population of elephants in a range of Asian countries in both of year 1997 and 2004.**  
  
It is noticeable that the population of elephants was the highest in India , as well as , we can see the interstice between 1997 and 2004 was huge amount in there . On the other hand , remaining regions just were not important due to comparison with India.  
  
In 1997, elephants make up almost 10,000 of the population for India. This was 5,000 higher than the population of elephants in Myanmar and 6,500 more than the population in Thailand. After 7 years passed by, the population of elephants seriously dropped to 7,500. This kind of situation also occoured in Thailand ,from 3,800 to 1,200.  
  
As for other countries , for example Vietnam, Malaysia, SriLanka, Cambodia, Laos and China , the population of elephants were not outstanding in both year. The highest figure just over 3,000 in Malaysia for the former year whileas the lowest merely 500 in China.
Hello  
I have some corrections for you  
  
First of all, you have to attach the picture to help us correct your essay.  
  
... population of elephants ~~in~~across a range of Asian ... *(I recommend you to put your overview in the same paragraph with introduction)*  
  
Second, I think you have a problem with using comma. You do not have to give a space to put a comma.  
  
Overall, It is noticeable (...) highest in India, as well as, ~~we can see~~ the interstice between 1997 and 2004 that was a huge amount in there.  
  
..., remaining regions ~~just were not important~~had tiniest proportion due to comparison with India.  
  
In 1997, elephants make up almost ...  
***In 1997, the population of elephants in India had the greatest number at 10.000***  
  
... the population of elephants ~~seriously~~ dropped dramatically to 7,500. ~~This kind of situation also occoured in~~and it was followed by Thailand ,from 3,800 to 1,200.  
  
Thanks
***Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organization. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
In the modern era when the business is the common thing, there is a popular trend for people to open for business rather than stay as the employee. Even though there are some problems they will face, I believe that the convenience overcomes any drawbacks.  
  
Starting a business is not as easy as we flip our hand. There are many difficulties which often come to the entrepreneur. Some people tend to make their own business without any preparation and it can make the problem getting worse. If the people have a lack of managerial skills, then the employers will lead their company in a red-light condition. Also, competition, sometimes, makes a new culture shock for people who have not a good mentality and valuable business experiences.  
  
However, becoming an entrepreneur is an interesting one. There are many positive things that can be useful for us and people around us. The first one is that we can open the job opportunity. The unemployment issue around us can be easily solved by the appearance of their new company. Also, as the owner, they can control the flow of money which can be allocated to the employee and mostly to the owner so that the owner can increase their wealthy level. The last and probably the most advantage are that the entrepreneur is able to be much closer to their family. They can interact more than they have done before because they work at home.  
  
All in all, I think that the advantages of becoming an entrepreneur are greater than the disadvantages. However, someone that wants to start a new job should make an attention towards their skill because the future problem can only be controlled by their inter-personal skill.
Aloha Ivan, here are my thoughts  
  
(1) In the modern era when the business is **the common thing** , there is a**popular trend** for people to open ... (I think you write repetitive idea on your introduction. Thus, you'd better make it simple for example you can say "in the modern era,)  
  
(2) If the people (...), ~~then~~ the employers will lead ... (you can write "if" without "then" after comma. It is called zero conditional sentence)  
  
(3) overall in the first body paragraph, I haven't found drawbacks of being entrepreneur that you have to mention  
  
I hope it can be helpful, keep writing
Hello ivan! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) ... when the business is ~~the~~**a** common thing, (...) trend for **some** people  
(2) ... are some problems **that** they will face, I believe ...  
  
(3) Starting **up** a business is not as ...  
(4) Also, **a** competition, sometimes, makes (...) people who have not **ready or have no good mental** a good mentality and ...  
  
(5) However, **for some people,** becoming an entrepreneur ...  
(6) ... that we can open ~~the~~**a** job opportunity.  
(7) ~~The last and probably the most advantage~~ The last but not the least ~~are~~**is** that the entrepreneur ...  
(8) ... done before because they **can** work at home.  
  
(9) However, **I suggest that** someone that wants ...
hi ivan, these are my thought towards your essay  
  
1. ... business is the common thing ,  
[ avoid the use of 'thing' ]  
2. I believe that the conveniences overcome~~s~~ any drawbacks.  
3. it can make the problem getting worse  
[ i suggest you to write : it can worsen the problem ]  
4. If the people ~~have a~~ lack of managerial skills, then the employers will lead their company in a red-light condition .  
[ you should explain what is the 'red-light condition' ]  
  
thank you, and goodluck
**WRITING TASK 1 :The average household expenditures in a country in 1950 and 2010**  
  
The pie charts compares the expenditure of household in 7 different categories in a 60-year period. Overall, all figures showed a shift trend. In this case, decreasing rate was shown in both housing and education while the others figures witnessed the opposite.  
  
A household expenditure was dominated by housing in 1950 at 72,1%, but by 2010, this had fallen to more than a fifth. Meanwhile, with 11,2 percent, food came as the second initially. However, this category increased significantly by around 23%, far outnumbering all figures at the end of the year.  
  
Turning to another comparison, there were several basic necessities. At the beginning, there was a similar pattern shown in both health care and transportation in which they increased by 2% and 14% respectively after a 60-year period. This was in marked contrast to the figure for education experiencing a decline by 6,3 % at the end of the year.  
  
*
The pie charts ~~compares~~compare the expenditure of household in 7 different categories ~~in a~~during 60-year period.  
  
1. compare ---> refer to they not compares.  
  
2. during, it is more appropriate  
  
Overall, all figures showed a shift trend.  
  
Well, in my opinion you cannot mention this kind of trend, because the data is too few. It only compare 2 years data, and you can't say it "trend". Usually trend is used for line chart, that have many years, not only two.
Hello andika! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) The pie charts compare~~s~~*(because it has two charts)* the expenditure of household in 7 different categories ~~in a~~**over** 60-year period.  
(2) Overall, all figures ~~showed~~**shows** a shift trend.  
(3) ... in 1950 at 72,1%, but ~~by~~ in 2010, this had ...  
(4) Meanwhile, ~~with 11,2 percent~~ , food came as the second ...  
(5) ... which ~~they~~**these expenditure** increased by 2% and 14% ...
Dear Andika, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
In this case, ~~decreasing~~**a decreased** rate was shown (...) while the other~~s~~ figures witnessed the opposite.  
  
...but by 2010, this had **been** fallen to ...  
  
... by around 23%, far ~~outnumbering~~**outnumbered** all figures at...  
  
This was in marked contrast**ed** to the figure for education ~~experiencing~~**experienced** a decline**d** by 6,3 % at the ...  
  
Regards
The bar and line chart illustrates about money spending on fast foods by people in britain in 1990. Overall, hamburger was by far the favorite one for british people to spend their money for, except in low income level. In this case, while pizza experienced a decreasing trend, an opposite was seen in the remaining figures.  
  
Hamburger consumption far dominated the proportion of people spend in high and average income level at 42% and 32% respectively, but it was lower than fish and chips in low income. At the same time, with 17%, fish and chips consumption predominated in low income, while it was the lowest percentage in high income. Meanwhile, pizza consumption was higher than fish and chips in the high income at 18%, but it was the lowest level in average and low incomes level.  
  
Turning to the line chart showing that between 1970 to 1980, the trend in consumption of hamburger and fish also chips rose slightly to around 150 and 90 whereas in the next 10 years, the figure increased dramatically, making their figures more popular than pizza. This was in marked contrast to the trend of pizza decreasing slightly to 200 over the 20 years.  
  
*
Hello Andika  
  
The bar and line ~~chart~~charts~~illustrates~~illustrate about money spending on fast foods by people in ~~britain~~Britain in 1990.  
  
1. bar and line ---> plural, so use Chart"s". with S  
  
2. illustrates ---> illustrate ---> because it change into plural  
  
3. britain ---> Britain. Please use capital letter in front of the name of area / country
Dear Andika, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
... one for british people ~~to spend~~**spent** their money for, ~~except~~**with the exception** in low income level.  
  
...experienced a ~~decreasing~~**decreased** trend, an opposite ...  
  
... proportion of people ~~spend~~**spent** in high and average income level...  
  
Turning to the line chart ~~showing~~**showed** that between 1970 to 1980,...  
  
150 and 90 **respectively.** whereas in the next (...) dramatically, ~~making~~**made** their figures more ...  
  
Regards
A breakdown of the information about the proportion of expenditures allocated for five predominant categories in four different developed countries in 2009 is illustrated in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that only Japanese spent most expenses on refreshment while others invest their most expenditures in housing.  
  
Firstly, USA had the highest housing spending share, just over a quarter in 2009. It was followed by United Kingdom and Japan by just below 25% and around 23% respectively. Canada was the lowest among the three. In contrast, Canada had the largest proportion in transportation while the others just below a fifth. Japanese was more likely to invest most of their income for refreshments rather than for housing and transportation.  
  
Surprisingly, each countries spent a minority of expenses on healthcare and clothing, just below 10% in all countries. Only japan allocated a similar amount of expenditures for healthcare and clothing. The other proportion is unsurprisingly proportion.  
  
*
hai nda  
here is my suggestions for you  
hope it helps  
  
... developed countries in 2009 ~~is~~was illustrated in the bar chart.  
  
on refreshment,(comma) while others (...) expenditures ~~in~~on housing.  
  
It was followed by the United Kingdom  
  
... the largest proportion ~~in~~on transportation, while the others ...  
  
... for refreshments rather than ~~for~~ housing and transportation.  
  
thanks
A breakdown of the information about community of aging people in a 100-year period in several countries is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, all of figures showed an upward trend. Although, Japan people had the lowest number over 90-year but, in the end of period, they were by far most dominant in the total of population.  
  
Initially, by early year, the widened gap have been seen between USA and Japan graph. After twenty years, the proportion of USA and Sweden experienced significantly increase at 7% and 9% respectively while the slightly decreased in Japan at the same year at 3%. In addition, by 1990, Sweden surprisingly overtook the place from USA at 15%.  
  
Turning to the last fifty years, in 1990, Japan got the first position from others countries with sharply rose at 27% and succesfully reached a peak in the end of year. Nevertheless, both of USA and Sweden experienced significantly increase 25% and 23% respectively.  
  
*
Dear Andika, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
..., the widened gap ~~have~~**had** been seen between ...  
  
... experienced significantly increase**d** at 7% and 9% respectively...  
  
... reached a peak ~~in~~**at** the end of **the** year.  
  
... significantly increase**d** 25% and 23% respectively.  
  
Regards
**Question:**  
The graph below shows the changes in maximum number of Asian elephants between 1994 and 2007  
  
**Answer**  
A breakdown of the information about the optimum rate of Asian elephants had been changed in ASEAN countries started in 1997. Overall, it can be seen that the number of elephants was decreased similarly in the latter period except Laos and Cambodia while India broke the record as the highest one declining.  
  
Initially, the highest one proportion of elephants was showed in the line of India. This record was followed by Thailand and Malaysia with roughly by 2000 elephants in 2004. Surprisingly, Cambodia was less increased changing by 100 elephants while Laos was stabled steadily in 1994 and 2004.  
  
Eventually, the lowest one proportion of elephants was appeared in the line of Vietnam in 2004. This trend was followed by China and Myanmar approximately by 450-500 elephants. In additional, the other ASEAN countries that had narrowed rate of changing were Sri Langka and Vietnam in the latter year.  
  
*
hai ms eve  
I have few corrections for you  
Hope it helps  
  
... information about the ~~optimum~~estimated rate of Asian elephants ...  
  
... similarly in the latter period, except Laos and Cambodia, while India broke ...<< do not forget to use comma  
  
This ~~record~~ was followed by Thailand ...  
  
Eventually, the lowest ~~one~~ proportion of elephants ~~was~~has appeared in the...  
... rate of changing were Sri Lanka and Vietnam in the latter year.  
  
thanks
A breakdown of the information about the alterations in maximum number of Asian elephants for a seven-year period, started in 1997 measured in thousand is described in the given bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that the optimum rate of elephants living in most Asian countries decreased between 1997 and 2004. India had the highest number of Asian elephant.  
  
To begin, the elephant population which lives in India broke the record as the highest one in both years. It was followed by Myanmar. In the former year, the elephant population living in Thailand reached around 4000 and experienced a dramatic drop in the latter year by roughly 3000. It also happened in Malaysia which witnessed a remarkable decline by approximately 2000.  
  
Although the trends was downward in most countries, the population of elephant in Vietnam and Laos remained stable at around 1100. The only country that showed the increment for the number of elephant population was Cambodia, where it rose by roughly 100. Other proportions were only a small proportion.  
  
*
A breakdown of the information about the highest level of elephants quantities in nine different countries during eight-year period started from 1997 measured by thousand is presented in bar chart. Overall, it is really important to notice that apart from Cambodia and Laos, all of figures experienced a decrease. Meanwhile, India broke the record by dominating the trend.  
  
The elephants number in both years was contributed by India as it reached roughly ten thousands in 1997 and hit eight thousands in the last year. It was then followed by Myanmar and Thailand who took the second and third place respectively in the former year. Nevertheless in 2004, Thailand saw a slight drop to around 1000. Interestingly, Malaysia and Sri Lanka experienced the same proportion in the first year whereas a converse appeared to be true in the other year.  
  
Surprisingly, Cambodia was the only one country who saw an upward trend meanwhile Laos flattened out in both years. Furthermore, other elephant populations given by other nations was only a small proportion.  
  
*
Kio Strark explains us regarding greeting to someone you do not know before. Frankly, it is arguably weird since most of people believe that stranger is hazardous. Surprisingly, there are two huge advantages about having talk with them. Initially, it liberates us since it means that people can accidentally make conversation together without thinking any stereotype. She gives American female researcher that traveled to Asia and Africa by herself, as an example. In fact, it was an adventure novel for her. She screwed her courage to find something new. There was no family or someone that she knew there. What delights in is about how she struggled with helping from the stranger. Another fascinating advantage is that using our senses to become intimacy. According to researchers, the reason is perfectly plain that people often feel more comfortable, seem honest and show openness when they encounter the strangers. From that time on, she challenges us to take this into account with talking to a stranger about personal experience.
I'm not sure what your task is. However, if it is to analyze the talk I think you should make it very clear in your opening sentence(s).  
  
Also in you first sentence you should include the TEDTalk name in quotations as well as the author, for example:  
In "\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_," Kio Stark explains that \_\_\_\_\_\_\_.  
  
But remember if your ask is to summarize the talk only explain it. If your task is to analyze the talk about what you think the author is saying about the importance of talking to strangers. Is it good or bad? Why? How? etc.
***Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.  
To what extent do you agree with this statement?***  
  
Today, there are many pupils that do not know how to live healthily. There are some opinions that school and the parents are the ones who have a responsibility to overcome this problem. Overall, I agree that giving the children education of healthy lifestyle should be given by the school and their parents as the part of their responsibility for the next generation.  
  
It is popularly believed that young generation has a bad lifestyle, especially in the healthy lifestyle. The lack of knowledge is the main problem that they have experienced so far. The children do not know how to be a healthy person and how is the way that the pupils can choose to be a good person. Eating is one of the main concern of being a healthy person, which they sometimes forget to. For example, they do not concern about how much they eat, what time they should eat, and when they should have a meal. In fact, at least 25 percent of the children having an obesity around the world - data from AC Nielsen survey in 2015.  
  
As the ones who are the closest to the children, school and parents have the responsibility to educate their children or students. Based on the research, teaching with the closest one and the one who interacting every day is the most effective way to expand their way of lifestyle. The students can learn how to be a healthy person if the parents and the school teach them continuously. As the result, the pupils will be triggered to have a healthy lifestyle.  
  
All in all, giving the health education by the one who closest to the children is the most effective method to overcome the problem. As the one having interactions every day, the school and the parents are responsible for solving the drawback of the unhealthy lifestyle of children.
... the ones who have a **responsibility**to overcome this problem.  
... as the part of their **responsibility** for the next generation.  
  
**REPETITION IDEA**  
  
You can change responsibility into awareness, duty, or other.  
  
Overall, I agree that giving ~~the children education of healthy lifestyle~~**[font#00lifestyle education for the children the children**should be given ...  
  
... young generation has ~~**a**~~**many** bad lifestyle , especially in health lifestyle.  
  
You must use many not "a" because "a" is refer to only one, but you give the next word, "especially" , so it must more than one.  
  
Lifestyle ---> REPETITION. You can erase the lifestyle word in the second sentence. So it become : especially in health. That's enough i think.
A breakdown of the information about the biggest number in the community of Asian Elephants in several countries between 1997 and 2004 is compared in the bar chart. Overall, except the Cambodia, others nation was decline the proportion of Elephants in 2004. Also, India was by far the highest number of all countries.  
  
India far dominated the proportion of populations both of the years at 9,800 (1997) and 7,500 (2004). This was followed by Myanmar, 5,200 in the early of year and 4,800 in the last of year. In addition, the large gap was seen in the level of India by 2,300 when it came to 2004. Unsurprisingly, Laos still stayed the same of proportion by 1,200 either in the former year or in the latter one.  
  
Turning to the another diverge proportion, Cambodia experienced an incline of number by 100 when it moved to the end of year. Other level of countries performs only a small-scale proportion.  
  
*