dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Write about the following topic:  
  
*Many high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
## Women's demands regarding jobs

  
  
Nowadays, it has been known that a number of companies tend to prefer men to take over top positions rather than women even when more than half of the workforce is female. There are many reasons behind this. I completely agree with the above statement and will discuss the causes of this situation in this essay.  
  
First of all, there is a widespread perception that women are not as productive as men, considering that at some point in time, they will have look after their offspring and families in lieu of their companies. Companies will, therefore, not promote women to higher-level positions such as management. For example, Tracey, one of my friend, wanted to become a CEO of a certain company and therefore worked painstakingly throughout her career. She was later rejected by the shareholders as she was a woman. Although they did not directly tell her that she was not chosen because of her gender, they did imply the fact that men would be preferred over women when it comes to choosing people for higher-level position.  
  
Apart from this misconception about women, many women also demand to be paid as much as men when they do not contribute to their businesses as much as men do which aggravate this circumstance further. The perception of most companies about women has, therefore, worsened, rendering them to believe even more that men should take over those prestigious positions. For instance, multiple stories are published every day on magazines and newspapers, talking about how women feel disadvantaged without even knowing that the primary reason as to why they do not receive the same salary was due to their lack of contributions to their companies in comparison to men.  
  
In conclusion, today many women are labelled as unproductive and work-shy which explains the reason why they are not chosen for superior positions. Some of them are not even aware how much expertise and skills they bring to the table. To reiterate, I firmly believe that women be given more opportunities to shine in the world.
Peter, your opening paraphrase is not sufficient enough. You are still using too much of the original wording in your restatement. That makes it a very weak paraphrase. A strong paraphrase does not use any words from the original in its presentation. This proves an extensive English vocabulary list on your part, which allows you to bring up a representation of the original prompt based upon your own understanding, sans any support from the original. A better paraphrase for this essay would have been:  
  
*Male employees are given preference in terms of filling important positions in a corporation. This is an evident reality that does not consider that more than half the working population in a given workplace is represented by female workers. This is the reason why I strongly agree with the opinion that companies and offices should be mandated to hire a certain percentage of women for various positions in the workplace.*  
  
A strong paraphrase is totally different in presentation, but contains the actual focus of the original prompt in its presentation. Once you can effectively use synonyms in your presentations, you will be able to aim for a higher score in the TA section. The example above should serve as a perfect example of this can be achieved.  
  
You are fond of using the word "therefore" in the essay even when it is out of place, such as in the following presentation:  
  
*The perception of most companies about women has, therefore, worsened,*  
  
A more appropriate presentation if this sentence is:   
  
*This perception has worsened the status of women in the workplace.*  
  
You also did not use the term correctly in the this section:  
  
*Companies will, therefore, not promote women to higher-level positions such as management.*  
  
Only one comma is required, placed after the word "therefore". That creates a proper connection, as a connecting word, between the first and second ideas you are presenting.  
  
You have a problem with plural forms. When you said that Tracy was one of your friend, the insinuation that she is one of many, indicates the need to use the plural form of the word which is "friends". Be careful with your grammar and punctuation usage. You are specifically scored on those 2 elements and a low score in that section will pull down your general score.  
  
The conclusion is acceptable and accurately sums up your discussion presentation. Good work in that aspect of the essay presentation. Overall, you did a pretty good job on this essay. The mistakes you made here can easily be avoided in the future provided you apply the lessons that you learned from the mistakes you made in the development of this discussion. Good job!
## cars vs planes effect

  
  
It is well known that the Automobile and air planes have a critical impact on human society. The air plane brought about innovative change for people to fly in the sky. Flying in the sky like bird was long-wish for people historically. Therefore, some people would think that the air planes have made a greater impact on society than automobile. However, in my view, it is wrong to think that automobile less impact society than airplanes. This is because automobile is more convenient and cheap when people use them and pollution problems from smoke of cars is more serious than those of planes.  
  
Of course, it is possible to think that moving very long distance can show the greater change for people by using air planes. Traveling between Asia, America and Europe can show that there was a incredible change of the culture of traveling. However, daily basis of people is composed of commuting and moving in their home town. The distance of daily moving of personal life cannot exceed moving through each state of the USA. In this context, airplanes are used only for unusual business travel or trip for most people. Therefore, we can focus on the impact of automobiles to people than that of planes.  
  
First, the expense of using automobiles is cheaper than that of air planes. This includes using public transportation as well as using personal cars. Furthermore, personal planes are used only for the rich. Most people use air plane at specific boarding place of air planes. It shows that the using of air planes also require much time and additional transportation to reach boarding place. Furthermore, prior to the advent of cars, it is impossible for people to commute long-distance compare to advent of airplane. In other words, the using of automobiles has allowed people to use moving long distance in daily life by using shuttle bus, public transportation and personal cars in time- efficient and economic ways.  
  
Second, worldwide nations are proceeding campaign to protect their air from the pollutants from the cars. The document at Kyoto declared that the CO2 gas from using personal cars will decrease to 70 percent of the amount of car emission at 2007, Long and wide acting rules to protect fresh air from the car emission explains that the car have more negative impact on the air quality of cities than air planes. However, there are small rules to guide usage of air planes than automobiles.  
  
For the reasons above, I assert that the car have a greater impact on the society than air plane. First, comparing the time and expense to use car and airplanes show that the impact. Also, rules and acting to guide usage of car is more than those of air planes.
WJK, I am not sure what you are trying to discuss here and what the talking points are because you forgot to include the original prompt for the reference in reviewing your essay. Please make sure to upload that next time. It appears though that you know how to properly format the opening statement of a TOEFL essay as you remembered to present the opening discussion in the form of the thesis statement at the end of your opening paragraph. If I knew what you were supposed to be discussing, I could offer a more solid review aside from what I observed above. For your reference though, don't go beyond 5 sentences per paragraph as that is the ruling for these writing exams. The idea is to show the reviewer that you can express yourself in a clear manner, using the minimum number of sentences possible. The minimum being 3 sentences, the maximum, being 5. Overall though, the essay reads solidly as an opinion paper. It makes sense and offers acceptable examples. I am just not sure if this is the kind of discussion that is expected of the original prompt requirement though.
## Question IELTS writing task 2:

  
*In many countries, very few young people read newspapers or follow the news on TV.What do you think are the causes of this?What solutions can you suggest?*  
  
There is a little likelihood that the teenager will keen to chase the news from newspapers or TV. As the development of Internet greater than before,youngster bombard by the enormous information from different websites.The purpose of the technology is offering people tools to enhance the progression of human society. When it comes to the changing of receving news, teenagers is the group that acceptance is higher than elderly.  
  
Although the influence of information is a crucial element to stimulate the young generation, the life style of getting news has transform into creative ways.Newspapers and TV programs are not the only resource to catch the latest news. Instead,the Internet have supersede the traditional news transportation and the improvement of the high-technology replace the old-fashion one. Indeed,the impact of technology is the main reason to eliminate the needs of newspapers and other traditional gadgets which is the important way to transmit information before the thriving of Internet.As a matter of fact, the young people diminish the purchasing rate on newspapers and turn into website reading.  
  
By and large, young generation prefer Internet rather than old-fashion ways to accept the data. As the nature youth, they tend to utilize the new products.In order to receive latest news, they choose to the fastest way to get the knowledge they need.  
  
Anyway,the main purpose of TV and newspapers is spreading information,there is no need to change the youngster life style on Internet.In my personal point of view, the progression of transporting news will be replaced by other innovation of tools. It is an inevitable trend in modern society, and the only solution should be under the supervision of public.However,the future of human is unpredictable,and only a few can stop the transformation of life style.
Erica, since this the first time that you have posted an IELTS Task 2 essay for review here, I will assume that you are self-studying and you do not have the guidance of an instructor to aid you with your practice tests. I came to this assumption because the essay that you wrote does not follow the formula for a proper Task 2 essay at all. The format should have been as follows:  
  
Par. 1 - Prompt paraphrase  
Par. 2-4 - Discussion with reason and examples.  
Par. 5 - Conclusion  
  
The first paragraph in your essay would have caused an automatic failing grade of the essay in the TA portion because you did not accurately represent the paraphrase discussion in that section. Once you make a mistake in the TA section, which results in a failing score, it will be extremely difficult to muster even a close to passing score for the remaining elements. Mostly because the part that accounts the most in the scoring criteria received a failing mark. Let me show you a model opening paraphrase, which applies to all of the Task 2 practice tests:  
  
*There is a growing decline in the number of adolescents who are interest in either gaining information for news from either papers or television news programs. An explanation exists regarding this trend. In this essay, I will be discussing methods by which this downward direction can be reversed.*  
  
You have to remember that in order to score better in the first scoring salvo of this test, you must be able to prove that you are capable of explaining what the original topic for discussion is and how it is to be discussed in your own words. Using the keywords from the original will ensure a good score. However, showing off a bit by using synonyms for the words will help to increase 2 sections of the score immediate, the TA and LR sections. Increase your score in those parts and the rest of the scoring should follow suit.  
  
After repeated readings of the body paragraphs that you wrote, it appears that you just discuss the same reason in 3 different ways. The examiner will be conscious of that fact and lower your score accordingly for all 4 sections. Make sure that you create a different topic sentence for each paragraph and you discuss these topics accordingly. That way, you can show off your GRA and C&C skills accordingly.  
  
Do not present a personal point of view in an essay that does not specifically ask you to do so by asking for your opinion in the discussion instruction. Doing so is a prompt alteration that could negatively affect your final score. The concluding statement should not be used to continue the discussion. Rather, it is meant to summarize the discussion you presented within 3-5 sentences. So your essay does not have a concluding statement. Instead, it is an open ended essay that will result in a lowered overall score for your work in an actual setting.
The number of people reading newspapers is decreasing day by day.The main reason for this is due to the vast growth of technology.Since everything is available at our fingertips, people never read newspaper , instead they read or watch news in their phone or from internet.People are so much involved in social media that , they get to know everything over there, non need of reading or watching it somewhere separately.  
  
In my point of view this is not a good habit ,as people are becoming internet addict that they not even spend time reading as people were doing before.Reading is a very good quality and there are many merits for reading and it relaxes one.  
  
There are people especially old who still reds newspaper no matter what.so one should at least try to find time for reading newspaper.
Hi Erica, there are a few things I would like to point out for you. Providing the solution should be in one single paragraph along with one main idea. The conclusion is a section for you to wrap up your developed ideas. Right now, the third paragraph is reinforcing your second paragraph which is unnecessary, you can either eliminate or attach it to the second paragraph.  
  
You did not have to state the last sentence because the prompt did not ask you to do so, "However,the future of human is unpredictable,and only a few can stop the transformation of life style." , it merely requested you to provide what are the causes and solutions.  
  
Hope that helps.
@Erica Tin  
  
Dear, I have read your essay. first of all, i think you need read more and more writing, so that you will know the structure of a essay.  
  
when you read something or passage, just follow how a paragraph develop, vocabularies ( always try to know the intermediate level vocab that increase your LR),  
  
just do as i say, in this way you can see your writing improvement.  
  
keep writing dear, :)
**Some people think that all young people should be required to have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## knowledge to support young people

  
  
Nowadays, some people tend to believe that having practical experience in the job market for the youths is much more important than receiving an education at schools, especially when they are in a learning age. However, I believe that the young people still need amount of knowledge from schools to support what they want to do in the future. In this essay, I will provide some examples and my opinions relating to this.  
  
First of all, receiving an education helps the youths to find out what type of subjects they are interested in the most. During the education stage, they learn at least more than 5 subjects in one semester at school, consequently this may be the best time for them to inspire their interests. Even though this will take much time for them to figure out what specific fields of subjects do they actually like, they still can learn different knowledge at the same time. This also helps those young people, confusing about their future career, to find out a career path that really suits them well.  
  
Another reason why the youths should stay at school until they are adults is that schools assist students to distinguish between right and wrong. In other words, students will understand how to apply knowledge, use the correct language, and have right behavior to operate some specific work properly. For example, an advanced English level for being a businessman is required because this type of job needs particular language to communicate with corporations.  
  
In conclusion, before becoming an adult, attending schools is an efficient way for the young people to develop their potential and prepare them for the near future.
Hi OONA. The prompt asked you to explain to what "extend" you agree or disagree with the requirement of full-time education for youth under 18. However, you wrote about the necessity of school and the knowledge they need for their future job.  
  
I suggest to read the prompt carefully and then plan your essay before you write it. Reading others' essay in this forum would be a great start to make a good outline, especially for your introduction. Your second and third paragraph has a good structure though.  
  
that ~~the~~ young people  
~~knowledge from schools~~-> education  
an advanced English level ~~for being a businessman is required~~-> is crucial for a businessman  
particular ~~language~~jargon  
  
Hope these are helpful.
Wang, while you will not get a passing score in terms of the Task Accuracy requirements, your overall discussion of the essay requirements are right on the mark. The biggest problem that prevented you from getting the passing score is your misunderstanding of the prompt requirements. It is always best for you to recognize which part of the prompt is the discussion requirement. That is usually the last sentence of the original prompt and comes with an instruction regarding the opinion or opinions you should be presenting in the essay. In this case, you are being asked to present an extent essay. As such, an emotional response is required in your paraphrase. Let me show you an example of how that should be presented:  
  
*There are some entities that believe that the youth should pursue a complete education curriculum. The suggestion is that they pursue this course of study until they reach the legal age of 18. I am in full agreement with this statement for a number of reasons.*  
  
In outline form, the clue as to the proper discussion method and your response would be:  
  
*Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Expected Response: I am in full agreement  
Why: for a number of reasons.*  
  
If you look at the essay in this format, you will see that you are in total alignment with the expected discussion line, based on the original prompt. Sometimes, it is best to outline the original prompt in order to fully understand what sort of response you have to present:  
  
1. Discussion Topic  
2. Reason for discussion  
3. Discussion style  
  
If you break up the prompt in this manner, you should find it easier to rephrase the prompt and also, respond to it in a more accurate manner. Remember, a proper paraphrase almost assures you of a passing score in the Task 2 test. Once you foul up that section, you will find it difficult to pass the rest of the criteria even when your body paragraphs properly discuss the reasons that should have supported a proper opening paraphrase. Without the right paraphrase, the body of paragraphs don't stand a chance of scoring you higher than a tangential consideration. Specially when you do not offer a strong concluding summary statement and instead, offer a single sentence reference for your conclusion.
## gamers are under influence of virtuality

  
  
Did you know that the Video Game Industry makes billions of dollars annually? The fact that this industry makes this amount of money every year shows that people get addicted increasingly. Today, worldwide, hundreds of millions of people play video games. They spend hours and hours without getting bored, and they spend a lot of money as well. The question is: why? There are two main causes of video game addiction: profound pleasure and escape from the real world.  
  
First, most gamers play video games in order to gain intense pleasure. When playing video games, especially the latest ones, one feels massive pleasure because of the unbelievable quality of the games. gamers play for long hours and they neither feel bored nor tired. With that in mind, while playing video games, most people feel excluded from the world around them, which is a positive thing because you do not get to hear people nonsense around you. Besides, gamers get sensational feelings from winning, whereas when they lost, they get anxious and angry, which makes them play for other hours to compensate these feelings.  
  
Second, lots of gamers play video games so that they can escape reality. When you are playing video games, the rest of the world disappears because you are intensely into the games. Moreover, feeling depressed and tired from life, gamers find video games the best from those sensations. In fact, many of them acknowledge the fact that it helped them overcome depression. Furthermore, it not only helps them forget the everyday problems, but it also enhances their moods to the better. Although this might seem a positive solution in the short run, it will have negative effects eventually, which all gamers must know.  
  
To conclude, video games have a couple main causes, which can have negative and positive outcomes simultaneously. Most gamers know that they are addicted, but they do not acknowledge it, which is quite a problem. Getting more money annually, the video game industry will keep improving and producing games, which is something that gamers have to find a solution to so that they can decrease their addiction. Otherwise, they will get nowhere in their lives if they keep wasting too much time playing them.
James, this essay is based upon unfounded assumptions. As an informative essay, it does provide information that relates to your chosen topic. The problem, is that the information lacks warranted examples and factual sources of information. There is a need for you to better develop the presentation based on facts. For example, when you say that video game companies make billions of dollars a year, you need to provide proof of that through the presentation of various game sales based on the hot titles of the year. That way, you prove your assumption in the essay. Now, when you say that video game players use this as a form of escapism, you need to cite professional sources to support that claim. Remember, an essay that provides information without sources, is a faulty essay. It is not capable of defending itself because of empty claims and lack of sources. If you want to make this essay stronger, cite professional and academic sources throughout the presentation. That is, provided that this is an essay for a formal English writing class and not just a practice essay for language development. If you are just using this essay topic for language development, then you did a pretty good job of presenting your case. It is convincing in a basic manner but not fully acceptable as an academic paper.