dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## **The graph shows the number of passenger railway journeys made in Great Britain between 1950 and 2004/5**

  
  
The line graph compares the figures for travel by British people using 3 different systems of railway over a period from 1950 to 2004/05.  
It is clear that the light rail & metro system is by far the least popular throughout the period shown. Also, while the number of people who used London underground and light rail & metro systems increased, the number of national rail passengers dropped slightly.  
  
In 1950, the national rail network and the London Underground were used by 1000 million and around 700 million people respectively, whereas light rail & metro system remained the least popular choice until the year 1980. The national rail network users reached a peak of nearly 1100 million in 1960 and fell by roughly 400 in the 1980s. During the same period, London underground fell steadily to 500 millions passengers  
  
By 2004/05, a considerably increase in the number of users can be seen for the underground, with a jump of nearly 600 millions and from around 1982. Also, the figures for national railway and metro systems rose considerably to nearly 1000 million and 150 million commuters.  
  
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You have shown a highly creative approach to the presentation of the information from the line graph. You have successfully hooked the reader and informed the reader based on your initial / summary presentation. Try to avoid the use of words like "also" which makes it seem like you are adding information as an after thought. Always show each part of the information importance by giving it a direct reference. Kick it off with "While..." to show the clarity of your analysis based on that information.  
  
You missed a period at the end of the last sentence in the second paragraph. It is important that you keep a uniform presentation throughout your essay. That means, stick to the 3-5 sentence presentation per paragraph. Your last paragraph only has 2 sentences, which are a bit confusing to read. Rather than using a comma, you could have framed the next set of information from the first sentence into 2 sentence presentations instead.
@ngthuha  
"a considerably increase" - In my opinion it is a grammar mistake, either you can write 'a considerable increase' or 'increase considerably'. This is because a verb is followed by an adverb not the other way round.  
  
You have also missed a full stop in the last sentence of your second para. It is very crucial to not miss appropriate puntuation.  
  
This is my personal opinion not an expert one. Please correct me if I am wrong.
***Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.  
## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.***  
  
Nowadays, there is an argument among people about the importance of employees at work. Some believe that their workers should wear smart. Meanwhile, others claim that the value quality of work is much more important than clothes. From my point of view, I partly agree with this opinion and in this assignment, I will show that both two opinions have their own reasons.  
  
To begin with, it can not be denied that office clothing always has to be appropriate for the workplace. To exemplify, imagining at a workplace required the fully precise and exceptionally clean like hospitals, the doctors wear the same clothes which they use to go to club instead of scrubs when take part in a surgery, it is undeniably unacceptable. Or when a person has to attend a meeting that is really pivotal to decide whether a contract will be signed or not then he appears in the conference with a pyjama, it is not surprisingly that the cooperation comes to its end. Hence, I strongly have faith in the point that in different events, the employees must dress appropriate clothes which depend on that situation.  
  
On the flip side, the work cloth did vital in office, however, it is not the whole factor that can lead a company to big success. Further and more importantly, the success of a company also will be evaluated by quality of work. According to statistics, in some place that focus on the creation and artistic development like marketing companies, companies that allow workers to dress comfortable and suitable clothes witness much more effective in work than those who have strict rules about office clothings. Concretely, it is believed that the more cozy and comfortable clothing the worker wearing, the more concentration they give during working hours. Therefore, the effective and efficient quality of works go higher.  
  
In a nutshell, as every coin has two sides, this opinion both has its pros and cons. From my point of view, I believe that the employers should treasure and consider carefully not only what clothing that their workers dress at work but also the outstanding performance the employees give to have an comprehensive overview about their employees.
- The example mentioned in the second paragraph is quite confused...the doctors wear the same clothes which they use to go to club instead of scrubs when take part in a surgery... .  
  
- Your essay contains lots of errors in terms of both grammar and word form  
e.g: On the flip side, the work cloth ~~did vital~~ did play a vital role in office  
According to statistics, in some place that focus on the ~~creation~~ creative and artistic development like marketing companies  
Therefore, the ~~effective~~ effectiveness and efficient quality of works go higher.  
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I'm a learner and still trying hard to improve my writing skill, please correct me if I made a mistake.
Topic:  
## Many people prefer to watch foreign films rather than locally produced films.

  
***Why could this be? Should governments give more financial support to local film industries?***  
  
These days, movies produced from foreign countries are highly supported more than local ones. This essay will discuss the reasons leading to this and I believe that governments should give regional movie industries an opportunity to develop by funding supports.  
  
There a various reasons which many people are attracted with foreign films. One of them is there are many all-star casts gathered in the films whose fans spread out over the world and always highly appraise their idols will give the fans excellent performances which are going to entirely satisfy cinema admirers. Another reason is that almost foreign movies are high-budget ones, therefore they have been manufactured with many extremely fantastic effects by the most accomplished directors and producers that audiences acknowledge them incredible and are completely allured. "Avenger series" is a prime example, all the movies in the series were applied high-tech cinematic technique which made them amazingly realistic and vivid.  
  
Besides, we should not ignore the regional films and governments should assist them to develop. I personally consider there are a lot of undiscovered talent actors, actress, and directors in cinematic industries but due to lack of budget, ideas from brilliant scripts could not be successfully explored. It is easily understood that producers have to compete to pay for films crew, hence it is extremely daunting for them to produce high-quality movies although the casts are sufficiently fine to star. If governments invest money to local manufactured films and call out for donation to their national films production, these will give those promising actors, actress and directors chances and advantages to demonstrate their aptitude are worth being well-known as equal as famous others from many other countries, especially from Hollywood.  
  
In conclusion, people today fancy watching films from other countries as a result of several reasons related to superstars and incredible effects. However, headers of every nation should think about development of regional movies industries and financial assistance is necessary.
322 words is a bit too long for a Task 2 essay. This has caused some forced errors in your presentation that could have been avoided if you had written 275-290 words. You should really make sure to review your paper before considering it final and ready for scoring.  
  
The prompt paraphrase is good, but fails to present the reasons that you would like to discuss in the essay. There are 2 clear responses that you should have answered towards the end of the paraphrase to complete the first part of the Task Accuracy scoring section. That is:  
  
- What is the reason?  
- Should government support local film making?  
  
Your non-response doesn't help to add to your score because, as the word connotes, it does not add information to the paragraph, leaving it less informative than it should have been in terms of TA considerations.  
  
You are only being asked to provide one reason in the first reasoning paragraph. Had you done that, you would have been able to better represent your explanation of the main reason you see for the popularity of foreign films. At this point, you are only providing reasons, but not really explaining the relevance of the reason through the use of supporting statements and relevant examples.  
  
The first half of your second reasoning paragraph is irrelevant. You should have had a relevant topic sentence at the start of that paragraph. The response should have properly started at the 4th paragraph and then worked in the other information that are currently at the start of the paper. You just used the wrong format in that presentation, which prevented the response from providing the expected format and discussion clarity based on the question provided.  
  
Your concluding paragraph should not start with the generic reference to "In conclusion". You should use a more creative close. Maybe something like "So, people like to watch foreign films because... That is why governments should... By doing so, people should begin to watch more local films." Or something like that. Use 3 sentences that will properly refer to the original topic and the discussion points you provided.
## Summarise the information from the graph

  
  
**The graph below shows radio and television audiences throughout the day in 1992. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The line graph compares the differences on the proportion of British people watching TV and listening to the radio in one day over the last 3 months in 1992.  
  
It is clear that more people prefers radio in the morning while many of them spent the evening watching TV. Also, the number of TV viewers are higher than those listening to the radio over the 24-hour period.  
  
In the morning, around 8% of British population started their morning by listening to the radio but none of them choose to watch TV. Over the next 5 hours, the percentage of radio audiences reached a peak of nearly 30% at 9 a.m. and fall steadily from that time whereas the figures for TV viewers remained below 10%.  
  
From 1 p.m., the number of British watching TV significantly rose to approximately at 45% between 8 p.m. to 9 p.m., over 4 times higher than radio listeners at that time. However, both the proportions of radio and TV audiences remained relatively low under 10% by midnight.  
  
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Do not aim to simply restate the information in the line graph. You must show that you did some sort of analysis for the data provided. Within the rport, you have to make mention of specific keywords int he original image that could prove a true study of the image on your part. That means, you need to write more than 2 sentences per paragraph (3-5 sentences) and no more than 3 paragraphs (for coherence and cohesiveness purposes). Otherwise, you end up writing more words, but you do not create clear ideas in each presentation. While the 4 paragraph essay allows you write more, it clearly isn't an advantage to you as your sentences are run-on presentations which lack the clarity and depth of a properly explained 3 paragraph essay.  
  
For instance, in the summary overview, you missed representing several key elements from the original image such as:  
- Measurements excluded those aged 4 and below  
- Measurements were in percentages  
- Measurements were taken twice in one day. From 6 AM to 12 NN and then again from 2 PM to 6 AM the next day  
  
There are also missing references to overlapping information such as the ones for 1 PM and 3 PM. These time references are highly important to the presentation, instead of mere "hour" references as these prove that you studied the image for at least 5 minutes before you drafted the paper. Additionally, the grouping of the information:  
  
- Summary overview  
- Day measurements  
- Night measurements  
  
Were the clues that this essay was to be written solely in a 3 paragraph format following the 3-5 sentence per paragraph requirement.
@ ngthuta  
You have many mistakes related to tenses.  
"more people prefers" - it should be 'prefer' or 'preferred' because people is plural which should be followed by verb without 's'. Another mistake in the same sentence is that it is not clear whether you are writing the sentence in present simple tense or past tense. It's better you choose any one.  
  
"more people prefers radio ... many of them spent ..." - write either preffered and spent orprefer and spend.  
  
Similarly,  
"population started their ... of them choose to watch TV" - start and choose or started and chose.  
  
".... and fall steadily ..." - fell  
  
The above is my personal opinion not expert one. Please correct me if necessary.
## IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - Business

  
  
**Some businesses find that their new employees lack basic interpersonal skills, such as cooperative skills. What are the causes and suggest some possible solutions?**  
  
It is widely thought that the fundamental capabilities of new workers such as interpersonal skills in some companies are below required standards. There are several explanatory reasons as well as ways to tackle this problem.  
  
There are many causes leading to this problem. Firstly, tertiary education does not really equip students with the variety of practical space to learn and sharpen vital soft skills such as communication and team work. This results in the poor level of interpersonal skills among graduates, leading to the fact that not many new employees reach to the prerequisite standard of soft skill capacity. Secondly, in today's world, the increasing use of social networking sites limits the ability of face-to-face interaction, which can be a cause of the deterioration in the ability to interact and communicate effectively in person.  
  
Nevertheless, there can be some possible solutions to this seemingly emergent problem. Firstly, educational curriculum in university and college needs to be modified to include more teaching modules and assessment that help students to enhance their interpersonal skills. Moreover, students need to participate in more extra-curricular activities to immerse themselves in variety of projects that need a lot of teamwork activities so that they can gain much more experience after those events. Social networking sites, if used properly, can also be a vital tool for young people to expand their network and make use of this boundariless means of communication to develop their capacity to communicate effectively in diverse environment.  
  
In short, the fact that new employees need to strengthen their skills in communication and cooperation is extremely important in workplace environment. With the awareness of some contributing factors leading to the shortcomings of interpersonal skills, various key action steps need to be implemented properly so as to tackle this problem.
It is incorrect to use the term "required standards" in your paraphrase of the phrase "lack basic interpersonal skills". There are no standards being mentioned so you have no basis for such a claim. Your paraphrase is therefore, inaccurate. You should have instead used the phrase "wanting in teamwork abilities", which would have been a closer rephrasing of the original phrase. Why couldn't you represent the causes and solutions that you were going to discuss in the reasoning paragraphs? You really would have scored better if you have provided direct responses to each question. It would have shown your English comprehension skills in a more relevant manner to the examiner.  
  
Your paragraphs use too many word fillers. Since this is a time constraint task, you should always use a topic sentence instead of word fillers. Save the word count for a proper discussion of reasons instead of simply introductory statements. That does nothing for your overall score. There is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your reasoning paragraphs for 2 specific reasons:  
  
- There is no clear connection between tertiary education and social media usage  
- The solutions provided do not create a clear connection between the curriculum, extra curricular activities, and social media use  
  
Your essay will suffer greatly in the cohesiveness and coherence scoring portion because of the improper development of your reasoning paragraphs.
## factors affecting work performance

  
  
**The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.**  
  
The bar chart illustrates the outcomes of a survey done on two categories of people aged 18-to-30-year-old and 45-to-60-year-old, highlighting the factors that affect their work performance. A personnel department conducted this survey at a major company.  
  
Generally speaking, various factors have a greater impact on 18-to-30-year-old people than the elder workers. From the graph, it can be observed that mostly there is no significant gap in the factors affecting both the groups with notable exceptions in four factors namely: chance for personal development, relaxed working environment, job security and promotion prospects.  
  
With respect to people aged between 18 years old and 30 years old, factors such as chances for personal development, relaxed working environment, promotion prospects and money affect their work performance by more than 60%. Whereas only 30% of people are affected by the work environment.  
  
In terms of the elderly people, only about 20% of employees are affected by job security. While money is the most important factor for more than 60% of them. Moreover, there is a significant gap in the proportion of elderly and the youth by a ratio of three to one for three out of ten factors.  
  
One more useless comment or incorrect thread title = ban.  
  
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Your summary overview is still too similar to the original presentation. It feels like you just moved words around hoping that you would be able to create a new presentation, without actually trying to come up with an original composition for that section. You could have at least tried to write:  
  
*A bar chart has been provided as a representation of a measurement conducted by the human resources department of a leading corporation. The focus of the analysis were workers aged 18-30 and 45-60. The subject covered information about circumstances that affect their job achievements.*  
  
You have to use different words from the original to allow the reviewer to properly score your Lexical Resource knowledge. When you stick to the same original keywords, you limit your ability to get a better score in that section. You have failed to use the measurement representations from the graph in your presentation to the full extent. Each of your paragraphs do not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement. You need to make sure that meet the 3-5 sentence representation per paragraph. However, you should not overwrite in the paragraphs either. Just stick to a quick analysis of the given information. Otherwise, you will end up writing enough words for a task 2 essay instead. You already cut it close with 194 words in this essay, but your presentation is just wordy, not informative.
IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Bar chart  
  
**The chart below shows the proportion of male and female students studying six art-related subjects at a UK university in 2011.**  
  
This bar chart compares the figures for male and female learners participating in several art-related fields from Linguistics to Communication and Media Stud at a UK university in 2011.  
  
It is noticeable that males surpassed females in the quantity of almost subject engagement, except Art and Design. Besides, English language and literature were the most favorable subjects of both male and female students.  
  
Specifically, female learners were most interested in English language and literature taking up exactly 250 students, followed by Linguistics and Communication and Media Stud which were responsible for around 240 and 230 students respectively. By contrast, History and Archeology seemed to be least attractive to them. Similar to females, the figure for male students enrolling English language and literature were highest, while Philosophy learner statistic of male which were nearly three times lower than that of female stayed at the bottom of the list with approximately 50 people. Only in Art and Design majors did males overtake females in the number of participation by more or less 10 students.  
  
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@an12102000  
"It is noticeable that males ..." - This is a big mistake in your analysis as the figures are other way round .i.e. It is the no. of females that surpass the no. of males.  
  
You can also better organize the content by writing 2 body paras : The male students para and female students para.  
  
The above is my personal opinion not an expert one. Please correct me if necessary.
In the summary overview, you should not selectively indicate the courses offered. You have to enumerate all of the courses as a part of the summary listing. You should also divide the first sentence into at least 3 sentence presentations because you are compressing all of the information into one sentence which makes it confusing for the reader to comprehend. If you divide the presentation into sentence topics, you will be able to provide a clearer summary overview in that section.  
  
Try to involve the usage of the numerical data from the image. You have to bear in mind that you are filing a summarized report for a specific audience. That means you need to use as much relevant and related information as you can from the image so that the reader can get a specific mental picture of what you are describing. When you avoid using the digits from the presentation, the reader tends to get confused. Leaving them wondering about how the data actually relates to one another.  
  
It would be beneficial to your essay if you provide completely developed discussion paragraphs. Your second paragraph could use a little more development in terms of information presentation. The third paragraph tends to use the comma for most of the presentation which means you are stringing along information into a single sentence, creating a confusing presentation yet again. The clarity of the task 1 essay relies on the information per sentence. One thought presentation per sentence helps to preserve the clarity of the discussion.