dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## disadvantages of rapid urbanisation

  
  
**These days, people from urban areas come to the city to look for a better life. However, the drawbacks of urbanisation is a major problem in many cities. Explain some of the problems caused by urbanisation. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?**  
  
Urbanisation, which is a deep-seated problem in our society these days, is thought to be detrimental to the majority of the population. It lowers life quality in urban areas and raises crime rate. The essay below attempts to elaborate on the drawbacks of urbanisation and proposes some resolutions to it.  
  
Cities are highly vulnerable under the effect of urbanisation. More than often, this phenomena creates overcrowding and lack of sanitation, leading to diseases outbreak. At the same time, urbanisation potentially triggers the shortage in utilities in utilities, such as water, electricity and sewage disposal. Another down side of this problem is the constantly rising crime rates. Unfortunately, a high proportion of immigrants into urban areas are forced to reside in slums, which are not owned by them. Meanwhile, slums are widely regarded as the breeding ground for criminal activities. Maintenance of law and order, therefore, becomes more difficult.  
  
To achieve the goal of sustainable development, the government needs to put the crisis of urbanisation on its agenda and come up with practical resolutions. To combat the lack of utilities, those with higher power should create more private and public partnerships and provide waste; water and housing disposal for residents. At the same time, they should also enforce the widespread of education so that it can reach even slum residents. With proper training and housing development, both life quality and order maintenance shall be heightened.  
  
In conclusion, urbanisation is definitely not something for society to overlook, and it generally takes elaborative steps to approach its disadvantages.
There are two problem areas in your essay. The prompt paraphrase is incorrect and the second paragraph does not clearly explain itself. Hence, these will be the two areas that my review will focus on.  
  
In your paraphrase, you did not include a paraphrase of the sentence topic in the essay which is " These days, people from urban areas come to the city to look for a better life. " Without the paraphrase of that sentence, the presentation you used took on an alternative discussion slant to a small degree. The rest of your paraphrase is alright and stays within the remaining paraphrase requirements. So the first sentence should have been included by kicking off your paraphrase with the following:  
  
*The promise of a better life has enticed residents of metropolitan areas to move to intraurban locations...*  
  
Keep your paragraphs within 5 sentences. Do not try to discuss too many topics in your paragraphs so that what happens is that you just keep giving reasons, without adding supporting examples to justify your claims. It is more important to present 2 justified claims than 3 mentioned reasons. You will score better in the C&C section if you better explain your reasons by using proper sentence transitions within the 5 sentence maximum. You need only 2 related reasons in one paragraph which is connected by the transition sentence. For example you could have said:  
  
*... The results of these problems can be seen in the rise in urban crime rate.* Then you could have proceeded to mention the crime problem.  
  
The second body paragraphs lack subjects in the way the sentence is presented. The possible solution is presented, but the reason why suggestions such as these will work is not there. Therefore, the essay does not contain a clear discussion.  
  
The conclusion is only a single sentence, It does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement. That happened because you did not do the reverse paraphrase as required by these Task 2 essays. Next time, increase the sentences in the conclusion so that you can also raise your word count in relation to the scoring criteria.
**Some grammar mistakes:**  
  
Phenomenon is a singular noun, while phenomena is its plural form. So, you can either say "this phenomenon creates" or "these phenomena create".  
You also wrote "urbanisation potentially triggers" which is an incorrectly used collocation.  
You mistakenly wrote "in utilities" two times.  
"A high proportion of immigrants are forced to reside" should be "A high proportion of immigrants is forced to reside", because the subject here is "a high proportion", not "immigrants".  
  
There is an incorrect punctuation usage (semicolon) in "waste; water and housing disposal". Also, "housing disposal" is not a synonym for "sewage disposal" if that is what you meant.  
  
"enforce the widespread of education" is an incorrectly used allocation.  
"elaborative steps" is an incorrect collocation.  
The definition of "elaborative" is something that provides additional details or information. "Elaborate" is something containing a lot of careful detail or many detailed parts.
You should include in your introduction a parphrase of this opening sentence. "These days, people ..."  
  
2nd paragraph topic sentence include, "More than often, ..., leading to diseases outbreak."  
This was not logically supported with examples especially the "disease outbreak".  
  
"With proper training and housing ..." - The sentence could be paraphrased so that it won't sound ambigous.  
  
Overall, I believe you had strong points of discussion in this write-up.
## Should art-based subjects be compulsory?

  
***(Agree or disagree)***  
  
Some people argue that it is pointless making children who lack artistic talent learn art-based subjects, such as painting and drawing. Instead, they should concentrate on other creative or practical subjects for which they may have more aptitude. To what extent to do you agree or disagree?  
  
It is argued that there is no point in teaching painting and drawing to students who do not possess aptitude for art at school, while they should invest their time in other practical subjects. Personally, I completely disagree with this opinion and deem that art-based subjects are indispensable.  
  
First of all, I believe that art-based subjects enhance the creativity of humans. According to research, scientists figure out that the students who are fanatical about art often have flying colors. In addition, the requirement of imagination in those subject allow them to train their concentration and inventiveness which are inevitable in every subject. For instance, Einstein, who is an eminent scientist, also opted for the violin to alleviate his tension. As a effect , he left humankind an invaluable legacy. That is the reason why it is vitally important for school to prioritize art-based subjects.  
  
Secondly, these subjects also provide artistic students with an opportunity to detect their potential. As far as I concern, there are some students who are not enthusiastic about Maths or Science. That is the reason why Art classes exist to discover their true ability in art and these students would stand a good chance of majoring in new fields which match their talent. As a case in point, Justin Bieber who discovered his gift at a young age are undeniably successful at the moment and he makes a fortune. Thus, art should be mandatory at school.  
  
In conclusion, I definitely disagree that schools consider art-based subjects are optional due to the fact that they both make all the students more inventive and provide worthy chance for artistic students.
There is a problem with the clarity of your sentence presentations which affect the overall understanding of the paragraph presentation. The sentences do not make sense because you do not properly develop your reasoning in the presentation. An example of this problem is the following sentence:  
  
*According to research, scientists figure out that the students who are fanatical about art often have flying colors.*  
  
What exactly do you mean by "have flying colors" ? The total sentence does not make any sense. Additionally, why are you citing research when you will not be able to do internet based research at the testing center? The reasoning for this essay should be based on personal knowledge and experience. Not research due to the non-availability of that medium during the actual test. Remember, it does not follow that because it makes sense in your native tongue, it will make sense when written in the equivalent English presentation. That is how you create incoherent sentence presentations.  
  
You are constantly writing in run-on sentences instead of a mix of short and long sentences. Rather than improving your GRA to create a proper blend of complex and simple sentences, you are providing information that is improperly formatted. This leads to confusion for the reader, leading to severe GRA deductions for your essay.  
  
While you did respond to the prompt in a manner that shows an understanding of the British language, the lack of clarity in your presentation is what will definitely pull down your final score in an actual test.
## Ielts Task 2: Essay about homework

  
  
Some people belive that school children should not be given homework by their teachers, whereas others argue that homework plays an important role in education of children. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.  
  
Nowadays, we are living in a world where education is a heated topic and often discussed. While an abundance of people believe that their kids should not be given exercises by their teacher, others argue that homework plays an important role in the education of children. In my view, the setting of homework is very necessary for children.  
  
There are several reasons why many people argue that homework is unnecessary for the student. Firstly, many parents would agree that the school day is long enough, their children would be very tired when they have to work in their home. Secondly, there is evidence to support the idea that homework does not improve the educational outcomes of many children. Vietnam exemplified this situation. According to the Educational Ministry of Vietnam, a multitude of the students in Hung Vuong secondary School, where children are not given homework, have a high score in exams. Finally, it is recognized that playtime is very beneficial for children to develop their brains.  
  
In spite of this aforementioned, I support the view that homework is vital for the schooling of children. The main benefit of homework is that it could encourage independent working and problem solving, because children have to finish their assignments alone. For example, by doing Math at home, children have to try their best to remember their knowledge in the class, search a lot of information and they could have an in-depth knowledge of Maths. In my opinion, homework is very important for children to develop an independent study habit because they have to work alone as adults.  
  
In conclusion, homework certainly has its drawbacks, but it still has an important role to play in children's schooling.
This essay will be read by the examiner and be given points deductions in relation to word count because of the minimal way that the response applies to the task. It only responds to one of the 3 required discussion instructions. The 3 discussion instructions are:  
  
- Discuss public point of view 1  
- Discuss public point of view 2  
- Discuss the personal opinion  
  
Your essay responds only to the third part of the actual discussion. Hence this essay will not be able to gain a passing score in an actual test setting. It is useless to review it for other mistakes because the TA section is already failing. Please write another practice test that will be better geared towards responding to all the prompt requirements.
## Academic education and vocational training

  
  
Choosing a major is one of the most critical decisions in everyone's life. Many would prefer to pursue higher academic studies while some would be encouraged to join vocational training because of the current lack of skillful workers. From my perspective, ability and interest should be considered rather than the current job needs when parents decide whether to let their children continue academic studies or not.  
  
Firstly, parents should help children decide their future base on their aptitudes. For example, if their children could solve math problems efficiently, they should be kindled their interests in economic-related jobs such as traders. So, pursuing higher academic study is an appropriate choice for them. Otherwise, skillful children could become workers so that they can make many systems as perfect as possible.  
  
Besides ability, children's interests should be taken into account because of two reasons. First of all, if graduates can work with their interest job, they will have more energy and enthusiasm to develop their skill, their knowledge and the most important is that they can work with as least stress. Moreover, their career might be more stable than those working with jobs they dislike. In other words, they will find pleasure in what they do and tend to continue their employment so they could have more opportunities for promotions than others.  
  
Some people said that if their children choose jobs that are suitable for them, but there are no vacancies in those jobs, they would become unemployed. So they encourage their children to train to become workers like electricians or plumbers, which works do not have enough qualified workers. However, if their children do not have any aptitude in finding electricity errors or they do not have strength enough to become a plumber, they can quickly lose jobs to those doing better.  
  
In conclusion, parents have a vital role to play in their children's job decisions and also their futures. So they would need to consider their children's interests and abilities to find which significant is the most suitable for them.
You changed the prompt discussion requirement. The original prompt indicates the following discussion topic and discussion instruction:  
  
*Too much emphasis is placed on going university for academic study. People should be encouraged to do vocational training, because there is a lack of qualified tradespeople such as electricians or plumbers. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
As an extent essay, you are required to give your dis/agreement to the proposed topic within the last sentence of the introductory paragraph. What you did was, you offered a personal opinion immediately, without responding to the prompt question. This creates a deviation that will affect your TA score. Further review of your opinion indicates that you did not use the prompt discussion reason for the opinion defense you created as well. Your topic for defense is:  
  
*From my perspective, ability and interest should be considered rather than the current job needs when parents decide whether to let their children continue academic studies or not.*  
  
However, the reasoning of the original prompt is:  
  
*there is a lack of qualified tradespeople such as electricians or plumbers*  
  
It is this reasoning topic that you should have discussed from the very start in the essay. Your opinion first and foremost, should have defended the reasoning given in the original prompt. The examiner will take this to mean that you did not understand how the discussion should have been represented in your essay and mark down you TA score further because of the problematic English comprehension skills.
**## More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries.

  
*Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience*.**  
  
The number of children falling prey to obesity is rising every day in affluent nations. Unhealthy diet and sedentary lifestyle are some of the reasons for this urgent issue. This essay will discuss the causes and effect of this epidemic.  
  
To begin with, it is fair to state that unhealthy food habits increase the risk of obesity among children. The excessive consumption of calories, sugars and carbohydrates have led youngsters to get weight. For example, if in my childhood we used to eat homemade food such as salad, rice, and beans, new children's generation has eaten junk food more than ever. Recent researches showed that school children in developing nations accounted for a whopping more than half of the customer share of McDonald's. As a consequence, youth in these countries are precociously suffering from diseases such as high pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes.  
  
It must be also pointed out that a decline in the culture of outdoor sports has contributed to this epidemic problem. Youngers are choosing to stay home rather than to indulge in any physical activity. This has largely contributed to obesity amongst them, mainly in wealthy countries in which access to state-of-art entertainment such as video games and smartphones is facilitated. For instance, in a survey conducted by an American university, it was demonstrated that vast majority of children prefer playing virtual games to any outdoor activity, and this alarming statistic might considerably increase in the next years motivated by the rapid technological development. This has resulted in the rise of a generation that is not only lazy and obese but also lethargic and unhealthy, suffering from several health problems.  
  
In conclusion, it is a fact that rich countries provide children with a wide variety of fast food restaurants and technological leisure options, which has influenced youngsters on keeping an unhealthy food habit as well as a sedentary lifestyle. The lack of a balanced diet and physical activities has made children overweight, being affected by serious diseases.
The main reason why this essay will not reach your target band score is because of the evidence you presented. The discussion outline clearly states that your information must come from personal experience and / or your own knowledge. Yet in the discussion paragraphs, you referred to researched material twice. Once for McDonald's and the other for the American university. Both come from research information that you most likely did during your practice test. I am sure that you have read my other advice here that always reminds students to stick to the required examples for discussion. In this case, there is no chance you can do research at the center, so do get into the habit of doing that while you are doing the practice tests. Stick with personal experience and / or your own knowledge.  
  
You could have just divided your first body of paragraphs into 2 paragraphs in this case. Clearly there is a break in the relationship between diet and technology. So you could have discussed the diet part extensively in paragraph 2 then the technology part could have been fully explained in paragraph 3. Remember, it is better to use one topic per paragraph to help increase your mix of complex and simple sentences. This type of presentation will also help your C&C score.  
  
You did a somewhat good job in this essay. You still showed an ability to understand the topic and discuss it, albeit a wrong discussion format existed along the way. Just remember that you always have to double check the discussion format, discussion outline, and sources for the essay so you won't make a mistake. Make sure not to include research in any of your presentations.
## oral vs written communication

  
  
It is considered that oral communication is competing with written to be the most major way of news transmission . From my view ,I believe that each way of communication has its advantages on particular situation but in general the effectiveness of written communiction is unchallenged .  
  
There is no doubt that talking is the main way that spread information in daily life , its content is brief and focus on the fundemental ideas . The feature of spoken communication is expressing emotions by tones and languages , the attitude of speaker can be easily detected by them words so that people soon realise the purposes of the conversations .however the stories 's contents are usually affected by the point of speaker ,the circumstances that a news which is changed totally and report an unreal events is normal . Because of that reason oral information conveyance is unrealiable and not guaranteed . For a clear example the candidates often have professional presentation skill , them speeches can inspire and make audiences believe at that time ,but there is no promise that the candidates will perform what they say.  
  
Compares to the convinience and wide spread speed of oral communication , transfering information by documents and papers has its own advantages . It is legally recognised and its content must be accuracy and authentic . Most of imformation related to properties , estates , contract,anoucement of goverment..is reported by written ,so that they are reliable and unchanged. In addition, imformation stored as text can exist for a long time without losing its power. so it is certain that written communication has considerable more force than spoken communication.  
  
In short, transfering imformation by documents is much more effective than by talking in many aspects so that I completely disagree with the idea that spoken communication will replace written way.
Talking about Task Achievement, this essay is generally clear enough to understand what you were trying to say. However, there are some parts that you need to pay more attention to, such as:  
  
First of all, don't say there is no doubt because it is a way to overgeneralize ideas, so try to use some phrases such as "It is understandable/stands to reason/etc.". Secondly, the point is too long to understand, because you are trying to write it in oral language, not written language. Therefore, I suggest this fix:  
  
*It is understandable that talking is the main mode of communication in daily converstations, as the speech is usually brief in information and efficient in conveying basic ideas. Moreover, it can also infer to the speaker's attitudes and give hints in important circumstances through emotion, such as in business meeting, where it is important to emphasize key information to clear confusion among employees or business partners*  
  
About the grammar, you have attempted to use complex sentences, but there can be some errors. Even more, I can notice some troublesome use of punctuation, which is definitely going to undermine your score. For example:  
  
[...].however (However, remember the capitilzation at the beginning of a sentence) the stories 's contents... of speaker ,(in which circumstance) ~~the circumstances~~ ~~that~~ a news ~~which~~  is changed totally and ~~report~~  reporting an ... Because of that reason (remember the colon after this) oral information ...  
  
Nevertheless, the vocabulary is complex enough to convey basic ideas.  
  
And, be careful of this mistake:  
  
"them speeches can inspire and ..."  
  
Before "them", there is a colon and it is in a sentence, so basically this is a clause, which means it is possible to use relative clause here. "speeches" is also a noun so you cannot use "them" before it, you must use a possessive adjective (their). So, you can rewrite it into:  
  
"whose (this denotes the speaker in the previous clause) speeches can inspire and make audiences believe at that time"  
  
Good job! Keep on writing and improving!