dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Eva, you are using "guesses" to create estimated information coming from the graph when you can clearly see that each marker falls on a specific number of population based on the numbers by the thousands on the right side of the graph. You are only to use "estimates" in your presentation when there are no actual figures represented in the provided image. When actual figures are provided, you need to be accurate to the closest numerical measurement as per the illustration. Since the reader is assumed to not be able to see the image that you are basing your report on, you must make sure that you provide accurate information in terms of the data provided. This will show the examiner that you can be trusted to properly disseminate information in a manner understandable and useful to people in your line of study. As you will be expected to write reports and analyze data, you need to make sure that you practice information accuracy from the very start. It begins with the IELTS task 1 test. Remember, the examiner will have a copy of the image and will therefore, know where your inaccurate information / misrepresented reports lie. In this case, without the reference to the actual population numbers, you will lose points in the TA section.  
  
By the way, in the year 2000, both Yahill and Columbia had a population of 75 thousand. Why was that information not included in your report? You claimed to have done a deeper analysis of the essay with the term "A more look..." which, by the way is grammatically wrong as it should have said "a closer look...", and yet, you missed that particular point the comparison. How did that happen?  
  
Anyway, before you turn in the test for scoring, always make sure to look for the smallest possible details that you might have overlook in the first review of the image because examiners appreciate it when the test taker can show actual analysis and examination skills in terms of information from the provided image. These sorts of information tend to increase your final score.
Your biggest problem here is that you gave totally wrong information, your score will be lowered severely! For example, you misunderstood the figure for Washington in the first place, because it was 75 thousand people in the first year, not *three-fourths of total population* as you said. There was no percentage in the graph, you must be clear that this graph is about number of people, not percentage of them. You also use *halved* the wrong way, it is a must that you check this word's meaning in the dictionary carefully.  
  
Wrong expression here: A more look? More what?  
  
In general, I think you should spend time studying to analyse details carefully because it is the foundation of an essay.
***Some people think that children should obey rules or do what their parents and teachers want them to do, but others think that children who are controlled too much cannot deal with problems well by themselves in adulthood. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.***  
  
## childhood under supervision

  
  
It may be open to debate whether children should obey rules or behave precisely as their parents and teachers expect. Some believe in obedience, while others fear excessive control on children will erode their problem-solving ability in adulthood. In this essay, I will outline the essential arguments of both sides and come up with my own opinion.  
  
Advocates of strict upbringing build their point of view on the well-established theory that good manners are not developed by nature but by nurture. Innocent, energetic as children are, they cannot automatically grow into persons of great refinement. For this purpose, rules are introduced and children are brought up to polish their behavior accordingly.  
  
Yet that raises concerns that they will grapple with a variety of problems when they grow up. Docility involves being comfortable with existing rules, recommendations or even warnings, but the keys to successful problem solving do not necessarily fall into these boxes. When creativity is required, as is often the case in adult life, they will find themselves mired in confusion.  
  
Personally, I take on the pro side. It is noteworthy that even the most gifted children are not mentally developed yet, which means they do not have sound judgment and strong self discipline. Unshackled by rules or teachings, they are susceptible to temptations.  
  
Admittedly, both sides make sense. Children can only acquire good manners under the guidance of rules, teachers and parents, while their problem-solving ability might be undermined in the process. Despite the disadvantage, I support the idea that they should be placed under control, since it helps them navigate childhood without yielding to lures.  
  
**I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.**
Gang, I am disappointed in this work of yours. What happened to the extremely high quality of work that you have been producing? I am saddened that this essay cannot score higher than a 4 because you did not properly discuss the comparison essay, nor did you properly represent your opinion on the issue. This was supposed to be a compare and contrast essay. Remember, you were to discuss 2 points of view and then your personal opinion? The essay focuses only one one side of the matter. There were no transition sentences to indicate that you even tried to change the discussion from the pro to the con, then the personal opinion discussion. Perhaps you were distracted while you were writing this essay? This is definitely not the quality of work that I have come to expect of you. You dropped the ball this time. I hope you can pick it up with your next essay. You need to make sure that you create clear paragraphs that introduce each topic for discussion the paragraph through a transition sentence in the previous paragraph ending sentence. This introduces the fact that you will be changing the discussion to the second topic in the next paragraph. In the conclusion, the wrap up should have been a proper summary of the topic for discussion. You continued to discuss the essay instead. I am wondering if you are not very familiar with the topic which is why you had a problem writing this essay? I am going to admit that this essay that you wrote worries me to a certain extent. I am confident though that you will bounce back from this bad essay with the next one.
@Holt  
Sorry to hear that. I have to admit that I didn't quite know how to write such a comparative topic. That's why the essay automatically deviated from the right path to discussion of only one side.  
  
When I was writing the conclusion paragraph, I tried to avoid "model phrases" such as "in conclusion" and "to sum up". Though the experiment didn't work well this time.  
  
I feel sorry to see the bungled work disappointed you. Yet I'll improve my writing with your advice. I am confident I can and will measure up to your expectation.
Hi, Please evaluate my essay  
  
Prompt:  
*The government has announced that it plans to build a new university. Some people think that your community would be a good place to locate the university. Compare the advantages and disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community. Use specific details in your discussion*  
  
## a new school in the neighbourhood

  
  
My Essay:  
Building a new university is a very ambitious and complex project. It has long lasting impact on the community in which it resides. Thus the communities must carefully consider the advantages and disadvantages in both long term and the short term of having a university before giving their assent.  
  
The biggest advantage of building a university in a community is the increase in demand for new businesses and the creation of jobs. The first thing required to build a university is the campus. The construction of the campus would create a large number of jobs in the short term. Over time as the univsersity opens to students, a number of services that are required to run the university and those required by the students lead to the creation of new businesses and service jobs in the local community. This leads to the creation of jobs in the long term. The incresed jobs and the new businesses thus lead to a positive impact on the society.  
  
Having a university in the community also affords a number of non-economic benefits. The students at the univesrity must live nearby. They help diversify the community since students from places all over the country and indeed all over the world may come to attend the university. The students and faculty may also help advance the community by solving local problems. For example, students at univsersity undertake projects that help the local groceries deliver food directly to their customers.  
  
However, a university also comes with some disadvantages. If ill planned, the sudded influx of students may lead to a strain on the local resources. If the university is located in a community of 50,000 people and enrolls 5,000 students then the sudden increase in the local population can lead to shortage of basic utilities such as water and electricity. There may be a sudden increase in the rents as well as property prices. The sudden influx of population may put excessive strain on the local infrastructure such as roads. However, many of these disadvantages will smooth out over time.  
  
Thus from the above discussion it is clear that the long term benefits of building a university in the community outweighs the immediate costs incurred during the transition.
Ajinkya, there is one tremendous flaw in your otherwise perfect discussion. The prompt is asking you to consider how the building of a university in YOUR community will have advantages and disadvantages. Therefore, you need to use first person pronouns in the essay with regards to the description of the situation. Presentations such as *"If the university were to be built in my community, I know that it will have a positive effect on.."* creates the first person point of view that the prompt requires. Your information is good. It has a solid foundation and anyone else who discusses this topic will have the same considerations. However, you should have focused more on delivering the message from a personal point of view experience so that the information would be coming from a position of authority and experience.  
  
Your opening statement could have been better presented. As it is, it informs the reader but not in a very complex or expanded manner that would have better shown off your English writing skills. If I had written this opening summary, I would have done it this way:  
  
*With the government plans to build a university in my community, a few concerns have been publicly raised. While some people believe that building the university has its advantages, there are those who believe that it would create more drawbacks for the community at large. In order to make sure that the people can make the proper decision as to whether or not to support the building of the university in our community, I believe that it is important to compare its advantages and disadvantages.*  
  
Then, I would have launched into the actual discussion presentation. While your general discussion is acceptable, the explanation creates an emotional separation from you. Which means your discussion is not as strong as it would have been if you considered its direct impact upon you are a person and resident of the community. Don't get me wrong, you presented a strong essay, it just seems devoid of personal interest, which created an outsider's look at common place reasons for the discussion instead of a personal consideration discussion. The latter being the stronger type of discussion these instances.
This is my first post on this website. If you guys check my writing and give feedback and predict a band score.  
  
**Violence in the media promotes violence in society.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## broadcasting violent content in tv

  
  
Brutality shown on the TV instigates atrocity in community. This essay agrees with this view because it provokes response among young viewers and humans possess a propensity to follow what they see in movies.  
  
Young generations are easily motivated by ferocity displayed on the TV and other sorts of media. When they play online video games, they are instructed to fight opponents or even slay them to win the match. Such promotion invokes them to believe that brutality is acceptable, therefore, they apply in the real world to the real people. Seeing such activity, other young adults follow the same path of destruction and get involved with chaotic situations. Numerous studies done by Harvard University revealed the identical result that role-playing action games that are major sources of violence are accountable for 24% of the crimes performed by teenage and adult gamers.  
  
Human beings have a tendency to imitate what movies show them. They believe the media and the limelight to be their perfect idols and follow in their footsteps. As they see the media keeps showing violent stuff and their favorite celebrities are performing such roles, they hold a belief that such things are adaptable. As a consequence, they try to perform such roles in the real life and hurt other citizens, sometimes even worse, they kill them. To state an example, some fans of WWE reportedly found to apply some moves of their favorite stars and ended up breaking their bones.  
  
To conclude, this essay agrees that violent events in the media events begets more atrocity in society because they stimulate violence among young boys and girls, and humans, by nature, follow what they watch on the TV.
Akash, in an actual test setting, I doubt that you can get a score higher than a 3 with this essay due to several problems that exist in it. The first of which is an improperly formatted opening statement. In a TOEFL test, you are required to follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement and give your opinion at the end of the paragraph. Remember, since you are writing this essay (because the essay cannot write itself), you must use first person pronouns in the statement of your opinion as well as throughout the essay, whenever possible. For your reference, a more accurate prompt representation here would be:  
  
*There is a belief that the violence that exists in our society is being caused by the media. There are claims the media does this through the airing of shows and news events that directly relate to such violence. In this essay, I will provide evidence for my strong support of the view that media promotes social violence.*  
  
Whenever an essays asks for the "extent" of your support for a point of view, you must give a verbal measurement of that opinion. So terms that connote a conviction such as "strongly, totally, and partially" helps to better respond to that prompt requirement. It also allows you an opportunity to better show of your English vocabulary knowledge because you can use other descriptive terms to create your sentence and opinion.  
  
Try not to use information that uses outside sources. While this is something that makes a practice test look good, you will not have time to do actual research once the test proper begins. So it would be best for you to stick to personal opinion, public knowledge, or measured assumptions when presenting discussion evidence and supporting statements. You need to focus on your grammar presentation instead of the veracity of the information resource as you did in this essay. You can only focus on properly developing your sentences if you do not have to do actual research for the topic. If you are not familiar with the topic provided, then offer a general discussion based on the little knowledge that you have of the topic. It doesn't have to be highly informative, simply informative will do provided you can prove that your information is relevant to the discussion topic provided.  
  
While the closing statement you presented is acceptable, you will score better if you can show that you are capable of creating a coherent and cohesive closing paragraph instead. By presenting a paragraph, you are able to extend your English vocabulary use and call the attention of the reviewer to the fact that you have an extensive vocabulary that you are capable of using in the right context within the given essay.
I'm also preparing ielts, so hope my comment is correct.\_(:⁍」∠)\_  
  
1  
You replace people with humans or human beings.  
human :belonging to or relating to people, especially as opposed to machines or animals .  
human is not a good word there.  
  
2  
"Young people" is included in humans.  
  
You may discuss the different effects on the youth and adults in two paragraphs, or effects on the public/younger people in one essay.  
But not the same effect on young people and all the people, if they are affected in the same way, there is no need to paragraph.  
  
.....hope to be helpful.
hai @Skychelcy, better if you rewrite your conclusion, it seems like you did not paraphrase your statement clearly, you only repeating it from intro and putting some additional words ,furthermore, you did not cover what had you said in your body paragraph.  
  
Pay more attention for choosing some vocabularies, such as, *"Human beings have a tendency to imitate what **movies** show them. They believe the **media**"* better if you said media as general and putting movies as specific term in example. for me, movies already include in media, i guess.  
  
your first and second paragraph, there is no differences, you seems like just copy it and change the vocab, but what did you want to say still same, better if you do brainstorming before start to write
## traditional Vietnamese women beauty

  
  
Vietnamese women should wear the Ao dai at work due to some following reasons. Firstly , Ao dai refer to traditional Vietnamese women beauty . Women wearing Ao dai not only look beautiful with the soft cloth but also make men impressed with the vivid colour. Secondly, Ao dai have never been out of fashion. As they are divided into various types for people's different styles, females can choose for themselves a suitable set. In conclusion, this kind of clothes is advised to wear because it brings numerous advantages , which makes Vietnamese women nicer in people's eyes all over the world .
Susan, when you respond to the question, you must respond to it coming from a historical context. You cannot make the reader understand why it is important to wear this traditional clothing for Vietnamese women at work without first explaining the evolution of female Vietnamese dress. That said, you must write this response in at least 5 paragraphs. The first two paragraphs should explain the historical and social significance of this dress code in Vietnamese society and then, proceed to explain, in the 3rd and 4th paragraph, who this sense of respect through clothes has evolved over time to represent the modern office wear of the Vietnamese women. Your last paragraph could represent the idea behind the future evolution of the clothes or, what the manner of dress means to the modern Vietnamese woman. It should not be a single statement response as you have now which does not introduce anything about the style of dress and yet, asks the reader to believe that there is a significance in having the Vietnamese woman dress in this manner.
Task: **some people prefer to spend theirs lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
P/S: please correct and give me score  
  
## change is the modern life

  
  
People have different views on various aspects in their lives. Some argue that spending their whole time doing the same thing is great. while others want to change their life in many ways with new things. Personally, I strongly believe that change is always a very good thing.  
  
It is obvious that a stable life with a good job and the same daily routine habits makes people feel safer, happier and peace in their mind. They do not have to worry about anything because they need to repeat the same activities day by day. Furthermore, they can spend more time enjoying their lives without having difficulties or troubles. Besides that, choosing a steady life often helps them gain good achievements or successes. Thus, they only focus on the same things they actually would like to do. Theirs time, attempt, knowledge and even money are completely invested into these things.  
  
On the other hand, it is hard to deny that change always brings us interesting and strange experiences, especially for an extrovert person. It is innovation that makes us more improved and developed. Particularly, in a modern world like these days, change is an inevitable trend. Our lives will become funnier, more colorful and meaningful if we have many different things to do everyday. In addition, maybe change helps us realize the real aim that we want.  
  
To sum up, each of the views above have its benefits. However, I totally agree that change is a useful thing in the modern life.
Personally, I strongly believe that change is always a very "good thing". I think good is weak vocabulary and also thing is not specific.  
  
try to avoid to use cohesive devises in each sentence.  
  
In your body paragraph you tend to use word "thing" that i think this word is vague.  
  
for the second body paragraph, i suggest you to write the concrete example about different activities that make introvert's life becoming more developed or funnier.  
  
You may also put the data in your second body paragraph, for example :  
Particularly, in a modern world like these days, change is an inevitable trend. According to the research reveals that 65% people worldwide move from their comfort zone to a new life by doing activities.............  
  
Our lives will become funnier, more colorful and meaningful if we have many different things to do everyday (this sentence i think is jumping idea).  
  
Also, your conclusion is not illustrate a whole information from your essay.
Hang, a typical IELTS test that will gain a decent enough score should have 4 paragraphs in it. While you could write an essay in 3 paragraphs, that brief sort of response does not help to increase the GRA and C& C scores in the test. Aiming for 4 paragraphs allows you to add one layer of scoring considerations for your essay that normally has a positive result. The essay that you wrote does not take advantage of that fact and is actually, very brief in all its presentations. This was a situation that was caused by the misrepresented prompt requirements. If you review the prompt again, you should see that you were given the outline to write a 5 paragraph essay based on the provided topics. The proper paraphrase is:  
  
*Change is something that some people view as a good thing in life. While these people prefer to do the same thing in lives and try to make changes in lives every so often, there are others who would rather avoid changes in their life structure whenever possible. This essay will discuss the possible reasons behind these two points of view after which I will be offering my personal point of view regarding the discussion as well.*  
  
Now, let's see what you have in the essay. The second paragraph discusses the reasons why people prefer not to change. The third paragraph, tells the reviewer why people prefer to change. There is something missing... I got it! Your own point of view. Which of the two sides do you support? You should have had a paragraph that explains your own point of view as it aligns with one of the two topics that were previously presented for discussion. You did not relay your personal opinion in the essay which made the essay shorter than it should be and also, only partially responsive to the prompt requirements. As such, the final score on this essay would probably be a 4 overall.  
  
Remember, you cannot offer new information in the closing paragraph. So your opinion agreeing with the positive effect of change in life needs to be presented in its own paragraph, possibly the 3rd paragraph and must offer supporting evidence that will strengthen the position you support as well as your own line of reasoning.