dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello Kuokiman :) Let me give you some comments :)  
  
Perhaps, next time you should attachment your case problem completely :)  
  
From my own perspective, it ~~would~~ ==> *the past form of WILL, better if use WILL than WOULD because your statements before using Present tense :)* depend on the situation and motivation==> OR you can use pattern Adverb + Noun = *"it will **certainly depend** on the situation and motivation*"  
  
--I think your introduction paragraph still not strong for direction your main idea or main opinion based on the case problem.  
  
Body 1 and Body 2 --- Overall still not clear coherence of your paragraph because your opinion statements still ambiguous.  
Pay attention in your sentence stricture :)*For example : it ~~may probably~~==> choose one because may and probably has the same meaning, so you have double meaning in here depend on the judge's subjective feeling*  
  
Keep practices and good luck :)
**Writing Task 1- percentage of first-year teachers with regular teaching jobs by year of graduation**  
  
The graph gives information about the percentage of people who teach other people after graduated as habitual lecturing occupations in Ontario between 2001 and 2007. Overall, it can be seen that the percentage of English-language schoolteachers in Ontario was a downward trend and the percentage of French-language educators was a slight increase. Figures then fluctuated over seven-year period.  
  
Between 2001 and 2002, there was a gradual decrease in the percentage of both English-language teachers and French-language schoolteachers from above 70 percent to under 60 percent and from 70 percent to above 50 percent respectively. For the next year, in 2003, people who teach English-language was a sudden fall to 40 percent but for people who teach French-language rose dramatically by under 70 percent.  
  
According to the data between 2003 and 2005 both of Fresh graduate who teach English-language and who teach French language increased extremely to 70 percent and above 40 percent particularly. People who teach English-teacher was followed by a sudden fall to 28 percent two years later. On the other hand, the trend for French-language teachers is opposite. In 2007, the number of French-language educators was a peak at 75 percent.  
  
*   
*question*
Hi Wily,  
Here's my analysis towards your essay. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
The line graph gives the information about the percentage of ~~people who teach other people after graduated as habitual lecturing occupations~~the selection of teachers in Ontario between 2001 and 2007.  
  
- ... the percentage of English-language school teachers in Ontario ~~was~~experienced a downward trend ~~and the percentage of~~while French-language educators ~~was a slight increase~~slightly increased.Both figures then fluctuated ...  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- (to avoid repetition)~~Between~~From 2001 ~~and~~to 2002, there was a gradual decrease in the ~~percentage~~proportion of both ~~English-language teachers and French-language schoolteachers~~English and French teachers from above...  
  
- ~~For the next year~~In the following year~~, in 2003~~ , people who teach English-language ~~was a sudden fall~~were experienced a dramatic fall to approximately 40 percent but ~~for~~~~people who teach~~ French-language teachers' percentage rose ~~dramatically~~sharply~~by under~~at nearly 70%~~percent~~ . (sometimes, using symbol is okay for the sake of variations)  
  
As you can see Wily, there are several remarks that you need to be considered in order to improve your writing skill later on. Good luck for the next practice :)
Hi Wily,  
  
... schoolteachers in Ontario ~~was~~had a downward trend and ...  
... was a gradual decreaseD in the percentage of ...  
... people who ~~teach~~taught English-language ~~was~~showed a sudden fall to 40 ...  
... both of Fresh graduate who ~~teach~~taught English-language and who teachtaught French language increased ...  
People who ~~teach~~taught English-teacher was ...  
  
- Do not explain all the numbers, use grouping so you can explain it better.  
- pay more attention in your grammar.  
Hopefully it helps.
Hello Willy!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. Be careful with your tenses  
...educators was a slight increase**d**.  
...there was a gradual decrease**d** in the percentage of ...  
  
2. Use comparison or how much something changed to reduce repitition.  
*French-language schoolteachers from above 70 percent to under 60 percent and then the number fell by 10 percent.*  
or  
*there was a gradual decrease in the percentage of both English-language teachers and French-language schoolteachers from above 70 percent to 50 percent over two years.*  
  
I hope it can help you.  
Keep practice to make it perfect :)
Hi Willy.  
this is my suggestion.  
  
1. The graph gives the information about the ...  
  
information in this case is focus in your graph it mean it is specific--> so better you add article "the"  
  
2. ... English-language schoolteachers in Ontario there was a downward trend ...  
  
better you add subject in your dependent clause--->clause.1(S+V+Adv), clause 2.(S+V+Adv)  
  
3. Figures then fluctuated over seven-years period.  
might you miss spelling--> seven-year it mean there are seven years so better you add (s) as plural form  
  
good luck
The line graph gives information about the percentage of hired job for language teachers in Ontario based on the years of graduation from 2001 to 2007. According to the graph, there was a slight increase in the percentage of French-language teachers, meanwhile the percentage of English-language teachers declined dramatically. Overall, the percenage of French-language teachers was higher than another.  
  
In 2001, the percentage of French-language teachers stood at seven in ten. In the next year, it dipped by 23% to 52% and went up again to 68% in 2003. Over the next four-year period, there was a slight increase in the percentage. In 2007, the percentage reached a peak at 75%.  
  
In contrast, the percentage of English-language teachers hit the highest point to three-quarters. Then, it dropped dramatically and bottomed at 40% in 2003. In the next following year, there was a slight increase of 5%, eventhough it fell gradually by 20%, from 45% in 2005 to 25% in 2007. (160 words)
Hi Miss Septi.  
Don't forget to attach a picture relating to your data so that others can give feedback totally.  
Septi, please let me finalize your writing to boost your score in the written section .  
  
... job for language teachers AS FRESH GRADUATE in Ontario based ...  
~~According to the graph,~~ OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT there was a slight (...) teachers, ~~meanwhile~~ ("Meanwhile" is a transitive word. It is put at the first sentence and used to merge two sentences because that is not a conjunction) WHILE the percentage of English-language ...  
  
~~Overall,~~ FURTHERMORE, the ~~percenage~~ PERCENTAGE (be careful of misspelling as that is one of major mistakes) of French-language teachers ...  
  
~~In 2001~~ INITIALLY, the ~~percentage~~ RATE of French-language teachers stood at seven ~~in~~ tenTHS. In the next FIRST TWO yearS, it dipped by 23% to 52% RESPECTIVELY and went up ...  
  
*Over the next four-year period, there was a slight increase in the percentage. In 2007, the percentage reached a peak at 75%.*(Trust me, you cannot reach the score more 6 because you passed a prompt in the writing task 1. keep in your mind that your job is to compare the figures, don't describe the figures separately. It is not attractive. Please, you have a bravery to do it)  
  
Turning to the second body paragraph, you still described the data separately. Well, you can inform the data to readers, but it did not seem interesting. You are supposed to compare the figures of french and English teachers. you have to conduct like that if you wanna reach the score more than 6.  
  
Please, you review my suggestions to improve your writing.  
I personally believe that you can boost your skill if you wanna read the examples of writing task1 and practice more and more.  
keep spirit  
GOOD LUCK :D
**Writing IELTS Task 1- The range of fresh regular teachers in Ontario - back from 2001 to 2007.**  
  
Proportion of the hired of teachers in Ontario during 6 years based on graduation years and subject is provided by line chart. Generally, the number English teacher decreased rapidly, and in contrast, the franc language teachers incline slightly. Nerveless, this job still were dominated by franc's teacher who graduated in 2007.  
  
First of all, the percentages both of the teachers from difference subjects who got their degrees in 2001 stood at just under three-quarter. Then, the mentors who have finished their study in 2002 have gotten job of over 50% for being franc's teachers and just under 60% for teaching English. next, both of them have opposite trend for their changing until 2003, and also they incline simultaneously in 2005.  
  
On the other hand, the English's teacher proportion who graduated between 2005 and 2007 bottomed at 2007. At the same period, the franc's lecturers have fluctuated trend and peak at over 70% in 2007.  
  
*
Hi Pram.  
this is my suggestion.  
1. ... and in contrast, the franc language teachers incline slightly. ... dominated by franc's teacher ...  
  
there are some miss spelling, like --> franc, franc's teacher  
franc's teacher--> France teacher... you don't need add ('s) because it mean noun clause  
write nationality words with properly----> France, English  
  
so this is my suggestion:  
.., and in contrast, the France language teachers incline slightly. ... dominated by France teacher who graduated in 2007.  
  
2. ... in 2002 have gotten job of over 50% ...  
  
i think "of" and "over" ----> both are preposition.. so you can choose one of them  
if you want to add information about "over" ---> >50%.. you can write (more than) 50%  
put comma between two clauses.  
franc's --> France  
  
so this is my suggestion:  
... finished their study in 2002, have gotten job of (more than) 50% ...  
  
3. At the same period, the France lecturers have a fluctuated trend and peaked at more than 70% in 2007.  
peak= noun so you have to add article "a" in front of the noun=peak  
or you can change it in verb form---> "peaked"  
  
good luck
*The graph below shows information about the recruitment of teachers in Ontario between 2001 and 2007. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
The line graph gives the information about language teachers who graduated a year before recruited in Ontario between 2001 and 2007. Overall, teachers who taught French increased slightly from 2001 to 2007 but, there was a downward trend of English language teachers  
  
From 2001 to 2002 there was a sharp fell of 20 percent. In 2003, the number of French teachers increased slightly to 68 percent. Between 2003 to 2006 the number of French language teachers remained steady from 68 percent to around 65 percent. In the last year, there was a sudden rose by 10 percent of French teachers graduated  
  
Between 2001 and 2003, the percentage of first-year teacher who taught English went down dramatically by 35 percent. From 2003 to 2005 there was a slight rose to 45 percent. By the following years, the percentage of English teachers who graduated went down to above 30 percent. In 2007, it fell again to under 30 percent. (156w)  
  
*
The line graph gives the information about (...)based on subject .  
... French increased slightly from 2001 to 2007 but, there was a downward ...  
  
From 2001 to 2002 there was a sharp fell of20 percent.  
... increased slightly to 68 percen t.  
... 68 percent to around65 percent .  
... a sudden rose by 10 percent of French teachers graduated  
  
Between 2001 and 2003 , the percentage of (...) down dramatically by35 percent . From 2003 to 2005 there was a slight rose to45 percent.  
... went down to above 30 percent . In 2007, it fell again to under 30 percent. (156w)  
  
percent==> may you can change it with other word to make it to be variant  
example==> 75%= three-quarter  
  
from ... to ==> avoid repetition  
From 2003 to 2005 = during 2 years
Hi guys! I need help to edit my small essay for my English class. I am studying English so i think it must have many things wrong need correcting.  
  
Thanks for any help from everybody!!!  
  
Nowadays, people use the modern form of communication such as email and messaging. this has changed our social life, but not completely our life is getting worse. In contrary, it makes ours better.  
  
In the past, people communicated by letter or phone. It was difficult to communicate like this usually, because they could only makes one or two phone calls a day. And even a month or a year if we communicate by letter. As a result, their social relationship were not gradually close.  
  
In the present days, we can instantly send a message to all our friends by social network or some message applications. Our friends always receive the message, no matter where they are. As a consequence our relationships are getting better. For instance, I always communicate will my all friends by facebook messenger everyday. I will know well how their life are going, so we will be closer. And we spend more time on meeting unashamedly. In my experience, time for meeting of all people is increasing, especially young people. the proof is that there are many social public places rising such as coffee shop, tea room, bar,...  
  
In conclusion, I strongly disagree this opinion and completely believe that modern form of communication is improving our social life and becomes better and better.
Hi prettyinside. Here are my suggestions for you.  
  
I will focus on your grammatical structure and some additional suggestions.  
  
... communicate like this ~~usually~~~~,~~ because they could only make~~s~~ one or two ...  
As a result, ~~their social relationship were not gradually close.~~their social relationship would not get closer.  
As a consequence(,) our relationships  
... always communicate ~~will~~ my ~~all~~ friends by facebook ...  
I ~~will~~ know well how their ...  
And we spend more time on meeting unashamedly (it would be better if you merge this sentence to one sentence before.).  
~~In~~based on my experience, (...), especially for young people.  
... shop, tea room, bar,... (?)  
  
... modern form of communication ~~is improving~~ improves our social ...  
  
Suggestions: you can write down your main ideas each paragraph in the conclusion. you should make a "strong" conclusion to avoid any hesitation of your readers.  
  
Goodluck!
Write about the following topic.  
***Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.  
To what extent do you agree with this statements?***  
  
**Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Nowadays, the problems of unhealthy lifestyle has been faced the child life. Some of recent articles often reports the topic about the important roles of parents and schools as the agents of children first role models. I suppose the statements which said the parents and schools have the biggest responsibility in children lifestyle. Overall, the parents should be concerning towards common of unhealthy lifestyle by overseeing the child's activities started from their foods consumption to their un-healthcare behavior.  
  
In fact, food choices always being the most common problems of the kindergarten or the child in early age period. However, some of the child usually eat some food or snacks that non-hygiene or not enough nutrition for their grown period. So, the role of parents and schools in here for directing the child to be more selected of their food consumption or snack choices. As example, the women as being the mother in Japan almost 75 % have been controlling their child food by provides the child for brings the meals before going to schools or play group. These aimed for prevents the child in consuming the unhealthy foods during in the school or outside the home. Whereas, the schools also can take their position as an agent of against the child in consuming unhealthy foods. For example, the schools can provides the healthy meals as menu of the school's cafeteria such as the chicken pour, fruits salad, vegetables egg rolls and other healthy drinks such as milk or yoghurt rather than supplies the flavor snacks or the sugary drinks.  
  
In addition, the parents and the schools should be against the un-healthcare behavior of the child. For example, the child's behavior than non-hygiene during eating and playing time. Occasionally, the children keep eating or take a meals that has been fallen on the ground. So, the main duty for parents and the schools is giving the child's more knowledge of hygiene life such as simply practices of hand-wash before take a meals or after play. Whereas in the schools, the children should be got an information or socialization of hand-wash practices and its effect toward the children health. At least, the parents and the schools should have been giving an excellent role models to the child during their growing time.
Aloha, I am confident to say you still have problems with basic structure for example; in your essay, you write;  
(1) ~~the problems of unhealthy lifestyle has been faced the child life~~you should write ; the problems of unhealthy lifestyle have been faced by the child life  
  
(2) food choices ~~always being~~are always the most common (...) the child in early ~~age~~aged period **(your sentence has no main verb)**  
(3) ~~the child/the children~~**(be careful in writing article "the" because it can change your meaning)**
the problems of unhealthy lifestyle ~~has~~ have been faced by children  
  
Some of recent articles often ~~reports~~report the topic  
  
"I suppose the statements which said the parents and schools have the biggest responsibility in children lifestyle" i think this sentence is not finished yet, what do you mean by saying this?  
  
food consumption, not foods consumption, food is uncountable  
  
~~some of the child~~some of the children usually  
  
it seems like you have problem with subject + verb agreement, i havent finish to chech all of your essay, let others give another feedback
Hi miss sarlinda.  
actually your essay is pretty good. but this is my suggestion.  
  
1. ... cafeteria such as the chicken *pour*, fruits salad, vegetables ...  
  
you should add (comma) before "such as"  
the chicken pour--> i have not know about that menu, sorry  
because i think "pour" as verb, so it is not suitable  
  
For example, the schools can provide the healthy meals as menu of the school's cafeteria, such as the chicken, fruits salad, vegetables, and egg rolls. and than the other healthy drinks, such as milk, or yoghurt rather than supplies the flavor snacks or the sugary drinks.  
  
2. ... schools should be against the *un-healthcare*unhealthy behavior of the child.  
  
you can change child with the other words with same meaning  
child---> collocation [toddler/children/youngster]  
  
i hope it will be useful. good luck
... of unhealthy lifestyle ~~has~~**have** been faced the child life.  
  
... most common problems ~~of the kindergarten or the child~~**of the children** in early age period.  
  
However, ~~some of the child~~**the children** usually eat some ...  
  
*As example*, the women as being the ...  
*For example*, the schools can ~~provides~~**provide** the healthy meals......  
**(to avoid repetitive words you can replace for example / for instance)**  
  
... keep eating or take ~~a meals~~**meals** that ~~has~~**have** been fallen on the ground.  
  
So, the main duty ~~for~~**of** parents and the schools are (...) of hand-wash before ~~take~~**taking**~~a~~ meals or after play.  
  
There is an unclear paragraph, you did not make a conclusion for your essay. conclusion is the important part and will boost your writing
It is inevitable that in the 21 century, the main role of women has changed altogether. They are working women now and they have left their children in the pre-schools. This has been proven as the cause of many juveniles' problems such as free sex and drug abuse. I personally believe that women should stay at home in order to educate their children and control their environment.  
  
''Mother is the first school for their children'', I always believe in that principle. In the earliest stage of children's live, they hear and see what their parents talk about and do. They begin to learn by imitating and the best role model for this process is a mother. A research from UCL has proven that children aged under 5 years old took care by their biological mother grow with 3 times cleverer than the pre-schooled kids.  
  
In the followed stages, teen-age should be the most fragile phase for young people. They may be influenced easily by their friends. Therefore, mother in this situation has an important function to take her eyes on what their teenagers do outside home. She can be the closest figure who can help children face their transformation. Professor John from King College London said that a daughter who has intimate communication with her mother is 10 times less risky to be a drug abuser. However, when their children have grown up, a woman might have a small business in order to up to date her social live and avoiding loneliness.  
  
In conclusion, high educated women can bring out excellent generation if they do their essential role. For this reason, I suggest that woman should spend their time on taking care of their kids as long as they can.
-they have left their children in ~~the~~ pre-schools  
-... grow with 3 times ~~cleverer than~~ ( as clever as) pre-schooled kids  
-mother in this ~~situation~~ (time) ~~has an important function~~ ( play an important role ) to take her eyes on what their teenagers do ~~outside home~~ (outdoors)  
  
-... business in order to (*be*) up to date her social live and ~~avoiding~~ (avoid) loneliness  
-........excellent generation if they ~~do~~ (play) their essential role........