dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Anna, I think you can score a 6 with this essay. What lowered the score for this otherwise strong essay is how the essay did not fully develop the discussions in a connected manner and, your 3rd paragraph does not focus on the discussion of studying well at home. Consider that even at school, the distractions exist since the children still have internet connected phones, thus the focus on social media is the same as a distraction even in school. The focus of the essay discussion should only be on the educational side. Points to consider for this essay would be :  
  
1. Traditionally, parents are the first teachers of children, thus making home schooling the default method of learning for most children.  
2. Some home schooling parents believe that their children will learn better in a safe environment like home since school violence is on the rise.  
3. Home schooled children still have to attend regular school for PE classes. A discussion that defeats your claim that home schooled children have weak social skills.  
  
In order to score better in these tests, you have to show a sense of familiarity with the topic. That means, looking for more interesting lines of reason as a defense instead of relying on the commonly presented model response essay discussions. I noticed that your response was similar to the model response for this essay so I am not sure if you would be able to properly respond to an original prompt in the test. In order to better assess your abilities. Let me pose an original IELTS type question for you to respond to. This is a new question I made up just for you so that I can assess if you have the ability to write a 9 band essay.  
  
*Prompt: Christmas is considered a religious holiday that excludes people of other faith from the celebrations. There is a growing sentiment that Christmas should not be celebrated and instead, it should be a regular holiday like Thanksgiving, without a religious connotation. That way everyone, regardless of faith, can participate in the festivities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Write at least 250 words.*  
  
Post your response as a new thread for me to comment on. This is the best way to assess your actual preparedness for the test.
Hi guys! Could you check my essay and give me a band ? Thanks in advance.  
  
This is the topic: *Nowadays environmental problems are too big to be managed by individual persons or individual countries. In other words, it is an international problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?*  
  
## one man in fight for environment isn't enough

  
  
Here is my essay:  
In today's modern world, humans are constantly facing the environmental problems which are becoming more serious than ever. Some people argue that these problems are too large to be addressed by individuals and each country and global governments should be responsible for this. In my opinion,I strongly agree with the view that both of individuals and countries all over the world play an indispensable role in tackling these problems.  
  
On the one hand, individuals can form some good habits to protect their surroundings. For example, they can bring along with them some recycled bags in order to cut down on the number of plastic bags being used every day. As a result, each person is actually contributing to reducing some environmental issues such as soil pollution caused by rubbish.  
  
On the other hand, global governments' responsibilities in solving the environmental problems should be taken into consideration. For example, they are powerful enough to enforce some strict punishments on the emission of waste from factories directly into rivers. Besides, governments are able to launch a campaign to clean polluted inhabits, protect wildlife animals and raise social awareness. As a result, the environment will become much better and governments will definitely set a good example for young generations to follow.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that the cooperation between individual and global governments is of great importance to coping with environmental problems.
Hi Tuan:  
Your essay has a clear structure. But there are still some points you can improve.  
1. The 1st paragraph seems a template. It is OK if you can fill in more details. For example, you can add some specific examples after your first sentence, Like greenhouse effect, nuclear leaking and so on.  
  
2. You should build a logic relationship between the good habits and environment protection. That is, bringing recycled bags can limit the use of plastic bags. Seas of plastic bags are hardly to resolve in the soil, further, crops cannot grow in a normal pace. That is harmful for human.  
  
3. Some sentences are dumb. *they can bring along with them some ...* You can use some simple sentences instead of using a long one.
Tuan, your opening statement is faulty. It does not offer an acceptable paraphrase of the original prompt because of the following reasons:  
  
1. The topic sentence does not depict the appropriate topic sentence paraphrase from the original prompt;  
  
2. You claim an argument is in play when nothing of the sort is indicated in the original prompt so that means you are deviating from the original discussion facts;  
  
3. You are strongly agreeing with a statement that is not indicated anywhere in the original prompt.  
  
Based on the above reasons, the essay will get only a TA score of 4, which will automatically lower the rest of the scoring considerations to the following points:  
  
C&C - 3 - Due to lack of connected discussions between paragraphs. You need to improve upon your transition sentences between paragraphs in order to create a logical relationship between 2 different discussion topics.  
  
LR - 5 - The simple vocabulary needs to be improved to at least an intermediate level in order to increase the scoring consideration. You only use basic words that can help you discuss what you wish to present.  
  
GRA - 4 - The sentence structures are not complex enough to be considered an advanced writing skill representation. Mistakes in sentence formation and presentation are evident even though it does not confuse the reader.  
  
A word of advice; when you wish to discuss 2 points of view in an emotional essay, you must represent a partial agreement in your opening statement. Here is a model opening paraphrase that is applicable to your discussion:  
  
*The environment is facing seemingly insurmountable problems these days. The common opinion is that these predicaments are far too large for only individual people to try and solve. They consider this dilemma a global problem. I tend to partially agree with this statement for a number of reasons. I shall be presenting these reasons for your consideration.*  
  
As for the discussion section, try to always present a complete 3 body of paragraphs in order to create a well developed and discussed essay. You tend to get a higher score when you write at least 4 complete paragraphs in the essay rather than 3. Also, don't forget that the conclusion can help to increase the TA score if written properly. Always summarize the discussion as best as you can and aim for 5 sentences in that presentation as well. Avoid single long sentence presentations because that will not help to improve your GRA scoring considerations.
## World's Languages Dying Off Rapidly

  
  
Life is going faster and faster, so year by year we see that a lot of languages die out . Although a lot of that this is a bad thing, but I strongly believe that this is a very good thing to our civilization for main two reasons. firstly, this thing makes our communications more easier . secondly , this will make the process of learning be more simple .  
  
As we said that the communications will be much easier, suppose that ypu are going to travel to a country which speak a in language that you don't learn it , how do you can communicate efficiently? So if there lower number of languguages in the world , we will get rid of this problem .  
  
Secondly , all aspects of science and knowledge have been changed and get evolved , and sometimes the main barrier for us to have a knowledge is the language . for example , imagine that there is interesting article wase wriiten in French and you don't have a background in frensh , so you will find a difficulty in capturing the benefit from it . in addition many people a money for a specialized translation website to translate some scientific paper , so if the number of llanguages going lower , so we will don't need to spend our money on this websites .  
  
So as a conclusion , benefits will be gained if the number of languages decreased is much larger than the negative things . and we agreed with that opinion as we clarifying this in article
You: *Although a lot of that this is a bad thing,...*  
  
Correction as per my knowledge: The first line in Italic format is not clear. Not sure what are you trying to say. If you think it is good to have less number of languages, you can it like this:  
  
As per my opinion, it is good to have less number of languages or it is good that many languages have been forgotten by people and it is good to make communication easier. In addition to that, it will simplify the process of learning.
khaled, please remember to always provide the complete original prompt with your essay. It is not to be used as a topic title but rather, it is to be presented as a part of your essay discussion. That is the basis of the review that I create for your essay and the suggestions for your improvement. Without it, I am not able to review your essay as completely as required.  
  
Your opening paraphrase is not accurate as it does not completely inform the reader about the topic for discussion. This line in particular, is nonsensical in presentation:  
  
*Although a lot of that this is ...*  
  
What made this sentence confusing is the use of the connecting word "but" when the word was not required in the presentation. Without the word "but" the sentence makes more sense:  
  
*Although a lot of that this is a bad thing, I strongly believe that this is a very good thing to our civilization for main two reasons.*  
  
Do you see the difference? You have to learn how to decide when to use and when not to use the connecting words in a sentence. Focus on simple sentence development for now. You need to make sure you know the rudiments of proper English sentence development before you can progress from the beginner level.  
  
It is also important that you understand what each paragraph function is in the essay. The functions are as follows:  
  
Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase. Your restatement of the original prompt and its discussion instructions without an actual discussion.  
Par. 2-4 Reasoning, discussion, and examples. Each paragraph transitioning into an increasingly convincing explanation for the next paragraph.The 4th paragraph is usually a personal opinion  
  
Par. 5. Summary of the discussion and prompt restatement.  
  
Based on this mandated format for the discussion, you can see that you work did not accurately represent any section of the discussion as required. Therefore, your essay will receive a failing score.
Tanveer, for starters, you are consistently writing run-on sentences instead of complete paragraphs. Refrain from using commas and use more periods instead. State complete thoughts within sentences in order to create understandable explanatory paragraphs. Since this is a narrative, third person essay, you should learn to use more varying terms for the same word. For example, you are consistently using the term "friend" in this essay. Vary the term you use so that you can avoid redundancies in your presentation. Some other words for "friend" are buddy, classmate, chum, pal. bosom-buddy, to name but a few. Using synonyms, which these alternate words are known as formally, will also allow you to widen your English vocabulary.  
  
You also need to learn how to use more connecting words since you lack a few of them in your presentations. Additionally, when you write your opening paragraphs, you have to make sure that you present a topic statement or thesis presentation at the end of the paragraph in order to inform the reader about what the topic you will be discussing all about. Since this is a story about your friend and his bad experience with his chum (see how I used the synonym there?), then you should have made that the ending topic sentence / thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph.
@Holt  
Though I do appreciate your feedback, however, somewhere down the line, I still have doubts regarding what all sentences were correct and wrong that I have written. I got your point that it was a story and not an essay, however, in order to improve my English, at least I should know that the sentences I am making are correct. Therefore, my humble request to you is to let me know the correction if it is required.  
  
Thank you.
## respecting the life of animals

  
  
Animals which are the same worth with human in the earth, however, Animals being eaten, worn, experimented on, used for entertainment by a human. I totally disagree with the way we are treating animals now. I will discuss three main reasons below.  
  
First of all, Animals have emotions you can understand that, by the way, looking into their eyes. Animals feel about pain in the same way with people. We are smiling while eating them, we are beaming with other's pain, how can you say about that?. We are expending our habitats, population by destroying animals habitats, population. People can understand the feeling of losing their house but we don't want to understand animals feel. All species of animals in the world are suffering , it is because of humans. People which is the smartest creature need to respect other creatures to show humanly, by the way, stop eating, wearing animals.  
  
Secondly, People live in the ecosystem biology environment, which included all of the species, If one element in this system disappear the system will be weaker. People tend to act on emotions, not on intelligence. We need more patience to decide which action is good for our environment.  
  
Finally, We have many research about becoming vegetarian is good for health so why we keep treating animals like our food to harm our life ?. We love the taste of meat, it really hard to overcome this feeling but if we keep doing wrong things we will receive bad things. The weather is worse because we are destroying animals habitat so that either animal or people be affected by this action. we have to change our action now if we want our children to have a good life on the mother earth.  
  
Inclusion, the way we are treating animals now is extremely bad so that we have to make an innovation now to respect the life of animalsrespect the life of animals also our life.
@happyfunny I cannot help you fix your essay because you did not provide the complete original prompt for me to read. I have no idea what you are supposed to write about, why you have to write about it, and how you are supposed to write it. You must always provide the complete prompt when you post your essay so that you can receive a proper analysis of your written work.  
  
What I did observe is that you are not careful about the way you write and you do not proofread your paper before submitting it. I see a number of capitalized letters where it is not required (See paragraph 2 re "Animals"), and that you have tendency to use numerous commas, creating run on sentences in a paragraph, instead of presenting individualized sentences. Sometimes the number of commas you use are so excessive that I forget what your presentation is about by the time I reach the all too important period in the presentation.  
  
Do not present questions in your essay because you do not have time to respond to it properly. Just present specific opinions, no rhetoric required. By the way, the term is "In conclusion" not "Inclusion". Inclusion means to add something or someone. In conclusion means to end a presentation. Such mistakes will really lower your LR score.
please evaluate my essay.  
  
It will be grateful if you give separate band for each criteria. like TR, CC, LR, and Crammer.  
  
please correct my punctuation, suggest me some sentence structure that boost my score.  
  
***Governments should spend more money on railways rather than roads.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree? (Cambridge 11)***  
  
## railways need to be more funded

  
  
Nowadays, it is argued/ urged that more fund should be allocated on railway system than roads by states. I totally agree that railways need to be more funded. In this essay, I will discuss the contribution of rails to the nations compared to roads to draw my conclusion.  
  
Investing in high-speed rails is an important aspect of development of a country. Such moods allow passengers to spend less time in commuting, while roadways are time-intensive in terms of speed. In China, to illustrate, most cities are connected with trains, and this reduces commuting times by half, allowing people to spend more time in a productive way that ensure the sustainable progress of the societies. For this reason, the investment on rails must be preferable.  
  
In addition, it is evident that railways offer cheapest fair then cars or buses. Such fair not only encourages people to travel, but help also transport goods; thus it is considered as a dominant ways in order for economical growth to boost. For example, Indian Government recently unveiled plans to connect port cities by trains; this will reduce transporting cost by half, allowing transporting goods by it.  
  
Furthermore, to control toxic substance, eco-friendly rail transportation is inevitable. This can carry many passengers and hundreds tones of goods, that way it saves energy relatively. In Dhaka City, an instance, its first underground metro service will be soon opened; this will reduce the number of vehicles on the road resulting in a decline in carbon footprint.  
  
To conclude, Despite of popularity of roadways, railways should be preferred considering its long-term effect on societies. For this effect, it is meritorious to allocate more capital towards this field. I completely agree that modern trains are needed to be funded more than roads.
Hi Fiza, let me give a few of improving suggestions.  
Actually, your writing is a good job, but you have still needed improvement especially your flow. Firstly, it is better if you merge your second and third sentences in the introduction so that you can produce the good transition and the complex sentence.  
  
*"I totally agree that railways need to be more funded because of the contribution of the mode to the nations more compared to roads".*  
  
For your body paragraph, you are supposed to check your sentences more times. Make sure that what you think is what you write. I have found that there are a few sentences different from your ideas. I guess you only deliver the words inappropriately so that changing the meaning is in your mind. In your second body paragraph, you should rearrange your sentences. You displayed your reason first before your idea, so readers get difficult to understand your idea. I suppose that your idea in the second one is the efficiency of trade cost.  
  
For your third body, your supporting sentences are still weak. Even it presented incoherence. Honestly, you made a smart step because you separate your ideas into 3 body paragraphs.However, you have to strengthen your idea each paragraph. pay attention more to your coherence and cohesion of your essay.  
  
Hopefully, my notes can improve your writing skill.  
GOOD LUCK for your test.
fiZa, Actually, in the scoring procedure for IELTS, you are asked to represent only your understanding of the prompt and the discussion instructions without an offer of your opinion in the opening sentence. That is because you are only allowed 5 sentences per paragraph. The opinion should not be presented there because you cannot fully explain it due to sentence limitations. You will be scored lower for that mistake in presentation. That sort of thesis opinion in the opening sentence presentation is for TOEFL, not IELTS essays. If you take the advice given above, that will be your downfall. I am not just an IELTS and TOEFL top-notcher, I am an IELTS and TOEFL tutor with a 100 % passing rate for both tests among my students. My IELTS students always pass with a perfect score of 9. It's your choice.  
  
You are showing 2 different prompt discussion types in your essay by saying "argued / urged". That is not even an option in the presentation. You are exaggerating your presentation and that is not going to help you improve the presentation nor get you a higher score. Restate only what is in the prompt. Do not add non-existent information. You are presenting 2 different types of essay discussions, neither of which is supported by the original prompt presentation. Neither which also, will you using for your discussion paragraphs. The correct paraphrase for this essay is:  
  
*A discussion has been ongoing regarding the development of roads and railways. While some believe that the government budget on infrastructure should be spent mostly on roads, others believe that an increased budget should be given to the development of railways. I totally agree with the previous statement. I will be presenting my reasons for my total support in the paragraphs below.*  
  
You must only offer a direct response to the question posed, without offering reasons because the paragraph format due to previously mentioned reasons. You will be scored lower in the TA and C&C sections if you do that. If it is not part of the prompt question or requirements, then it should not be in the opening paragraph.  
  
I will grant that your paragraphs do not contain perfect English grammar. However, you show the ability to be able to express your thoughts coherently when given the opportunity to do so. Your transition sentences are placed properly and allow for a continued reading from paragraph to paragraph. Use of the transitional words such as "In addition" and "Furthermore", which you did perfectly in this essay will help to further increase your GRA score as well. Just make sure that you stop using filler phrases like "to illustrate" and "For example". You must always state your information as facts rather than "possibilities" which is what these filler phrases do. You have to project a confidence in your English written skills by delivering an authoritative voice each time.  
  
Aside from this problem, the rest of your essay shows that you have the ability to pass the actual test. I would like you to focus on improving your paraphrasing skills at this point since that is the only remaining problem with your essay development.