dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*In many cultures, the priority is given to marriage over employment. What's your opinion on getting married without worrying about getting a job*  
  
## employment before getting married?

  
  
In the competitive world, some communities believe marriage is more vital than employment whereas others have a contrary viewpoint. This is certainly a controversial topic, considering that people look at things differently. However, it is an irrefutable fact that it is an awful idea to prioritize marriage over employment for two reasons: less time to work and lower chance of being hired.  
  
To commence with, as we all know that once you are married, you will have less time for your work and subsequently, be less dedicated to your job which proves to be horrible as that means you will receive lower wages or salaries, depending on whether you are working part time or full time. This is not at all surprising, as one will need to allocate some time to look after and upbring their children. To illustrate, a friend of mine, Jessica, decided to get married before obtaining an employment and that left her with little to no time to work as her children need to be kept occupied at all times.  
  
Furthermore, it is known that potential employers would prefer unmarried individuals, because those people are not distracted by family issues and therefore, can fully focus on working. This is understandable and explains the reason a number of married people cannot land their first job despite having proper qualifications. For example, one my friends complained that he was rejected for the job because he is married.  
  
Having discussed the importance of obtaining employment first before getting married, it can be concluded that it is a terrible idea to prioritize marriage over employment. This results in having less time for work and being less desirable to potential employers. Consequently, I disagree with the community stating that wedding is more important than occupation.
Peter,  
Your grammar and syntax suggest that this is academic writing. If that's the case, perhaps you could add some sort of evidence to back up some of the claims you make outside of the experiences of people you know? Their experience is definitely relevant, and not harmful to your essay in and of itself, but having them stand alone as the only evidence you offer weakens your argument. For example, in the second to last paragraph, you say that "it is known that potential employers would prefer unmarried individuals," but you don't say **who** knows that, or any statistical evidence to support that it is known, or that it is true. You do an excellent job explaining **why you think** it is true, but you force your reader to assume that you're correct just because of the experience someone they don't know told you (another person they may not know, and therefor can't validate).  
  
You definitely display an understanding of higher-level writing conventions, and I think fixing this one thing will push your paper over the edge. Good luck!
Peter, your presentation is not coming from a general point of view. You are thinking about the disadvantages of marriage for women, rather than the disadvantage of men and women being married prior to entering the workplace. The prompt is asking you to consider the situation coming, not from a gender point of view but rather, an age related point of view. For example, how does being married young affect the ability of a young couple to find a job. If say, a couple married while in college and then started a family right away. How does that affect their ability to get a job in the future? Consider cultures that advocate for young marriage such as the Chinese and Asian Indians among others. Are there any advantages to being married prior to being employed for both men and women based on a cultural context? That is the main consideration of the essay. It isn't about gender, which is what your statement implies. More importantly, the actual discussion asks you whether you think it is right to marry when one is not yet employed. While your discussion is correct to a certain degree, the problem with it is that you focused on the gender side of the issue instead of the general facts and opinions regarding the discussion.
## students' education overseas

  
  
Nowadays, studying in developed countries is becoming increasingly prevalent and being considered as a matter of great concern to a large number of students in the recent years. Therefore, valuating precisely the two aspects of this tendency is an essential part of making decision that whether or not individuals should study abroad.  
  
Experience and qualifications can be anticipated as major reasons because people tend to chase good things. The first reason is that studying in totally new environment allows individuals to have access to modern educational background. Therefore, learners can acquire intensive knowledge. For example, Germany can be deemed as country having the greatest education all over the world. Bringing this advantage to learners turns Germany into one of the greatest destinations for studying. Another reason is that the importance of qualification in the world full of competition. As the matter of fact, getting a valuable qualification, especially in developed countries, will give rise to improve career prospects and the opportunities for a higher salary. By ways of illustration, getting a degree in Germany will give individuals more chances than domestic degree, in Vietnam.  
  
There are several consequences which can be attributed to this trend. The most transparent effect is that reduce in rate of learned workforce. It is obvious that almost students studying abroad is very intelligent people. As the case in point, champions in Olympia contest certainly win scholarship for studying in Australia and none of them has intention to work in Vietnam after their studies. Brain drain is conducive to reducing in high quality workforce in Vietnam. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that this issue will encourage domestic education to enhance to be more competitive.  
  
In conclusion, authorities should analyze carefully what causes are and how it effects in domestic society in long-term to put an end to brain drain so as to attract talents.
Can you upload the full prompt, because it will help us to assess your essay more accurately.  
  
Is this an opinion essay? if yes then there should be a thesis statement at the end of the introduction and conclusion.  
You will also need to put more efforts into your conclusion as one sentence conclusion is not appropriate if you aim for an above average score.  
  
The most transparent effect is that reduce in rate of learned workforce. A reduction?  
Overall, with this kind of essay, I believe you can score around 7 or 7.5 band depending on the topics given to you.  
Good work!
Andrew, you will have to disregard the score that you were given by Peter because the lack of original prompt information prevents the proper scoring of your written essay. You cannot expect to be given a score when we do not have any idea of the topic you are being asked to write about in comparison to your final written product. That is not done, ever, especially when you are given such a high score as Peter did without considering the basis of scoring of the merits of your writing in relation to the requirements. A score given simply for the sake of giving you a score, without considering your weaknesses in terms of the rubic qualifications will not help you improve your written skills for this test.  
  
What I can tell immediately from your writing is that you are not informed about the proper formatting of the IELTS Task 2 essay. The required elements for each presentation is a 5 paragraph presentation with sentences numbering from 3-5 per paragraph alone. As you can see, you are under the requirement in the opening and closing statement and over the requirement for your body of paragraphs. This should be a 5 paragraph essay with one topic discussion per paragraph. You have to learn to fully explain yourself in informative and moderately long sentences. These should not be run on sentences either.  
  
The 3 body paragraphs are your opportunity to fully explain your opinions or present your full discussions regarding the given topic. You did not accomplish that in this instance. Your 307 word essay also tells me that you did not time yourself when you wrote this. If you had timed yourself, you would have found yourself short on review and revision time for this essay, for which at least 5 minutes of the final testing time must be allotted.  
  
Due to the lack of prompt statement, I will withhold scoring your essay. However, I expect you to take note of my general observations which will also have a direct effect on your final score in an actual test setting. If you come back and remember to post the complete prompt with the essay, and if you request to be scored then, I will definitely review your essay based on the scoring guidelines.
these are just my views on it. i hope this helps even though i myself am not so good at it  
  
My class sang ... direction, Mrs. Lee.----- i think you can remove the direction and phrase it in a different manner.  
  
my English class listened to ...---- i think you can rephrase this like say, we heard the music out of a cassetter player in our english classes.  
  
... I noticed myself humming the song ...---- the music was always in my head and i found myself humming to it during my leisure times.  
  
As time went by, we learned [...] my memory of the song.---- The song had given me a better grip over the language making it easier for me to speak, i could relate the grammar during learning and it also helped in understanding and scoring better in my english class.
These are my views on the essay :-  
  
Regarding the flow: - I would move the 3rd paragraph to the second, giving a background of Mrs Lee and then elaborate on her style of teaching in the third paragraph and move move on how she influenced you in your style of teaching in USA.  
  
In terms of the content, I think its appropriate of how you were influenced by your teacher and inspired to pursue the same line of profession.  
  
"It's not easy for me to pass the many required ..." :- Try to spin this in a more positive tone. " Despite of the difficulty in clearing English proficiency tests, I am not backing down; " something on these lines..
@sungin115 your approach to the essay covers multiple memories. This runs counter to the prompt requirement of one, single, solitary memory from your past to discuss in the essay. Either discuss the day that you learned the song or, discuss one specific event that involved Miss Lee which had a developmental impact upon your character. You can choose only one topic, you cannot discuss more than one. The prompt is specific about that. If you feel that you cannot discuss only one topic from the number of memories you discussed in this version of the essay, then maybe it would be best for you to write a new one instead. An essay that can focus on only one memory and how it affected you. That memory may involve Miss Lee but the impression that she made on you as a child needs to cover only one specific instance instead of several as you present here. That single even should then be expanded to explain how it continues to be a relevant part of your life today.  
  
This essay is not effective because the focus of the essay was not on you but rather on your teacher. At the end of the essay, I had learned more about your teacher than I did about you, which is a very bad thing to have happen in an essay that is focused on having you present a childhood memory. This has to be about you from beginning to end, no deviations. The minute you focus on a different person in the essay, you change the focus and no longer deliver the prompt elements as required by the instructions.
**In recent years, more and more people are choosing to read e-books rather than paper books.  
Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of this trend?**  
  
## Advantages and Disadvantages of the EBooks

  
  
Over the last few years, the number of EBook consumers has dramatically increased, falling the paper book market. Due to the more sophisticated and interactive facilities, many people choose EBooks over the printed books. I believe that this trend has more benefits than drawbacks.  
  
Firstly, it is true that there are potential drawbacks of the E-Reading. The primary concern that many readers have with this trend is the Health problems; Since the EBooks only support for the digital platforms such as mobiles and computers, readers have to spend significant time in front of the LCD screens that can potentially cause health problems such as vision problems, and depression. Therefore, constant reading of E-books can result in health damages.  
  
However, despite the health issues, the advent of the Electronic books contributed several advantages to the Readers. Prior to the EBooks, readers had to waste too much time to find the required book by searching through the numerous bookshelves at the library. Sometimes it was impossible to purchase the book due to the high demand and lack of copies. The E-Book, however, has changed this completely. There are several EBooks downloadable websites and apps available such as Kindler and eBay, So, Consumers can quickly locate the required Ebook from online stores and immediately purchase without any shipment delays. Therefore, availability wise, consuming Ebooks are more convenient than the paper books.  
  
In addition to the availability, the highly-interactive features also make it more popular among the readers and publishers. While the traditional Paper books only support for text and image forms to represent the content, Ebooks allow rendering the content in several multimedia forms such as images, videos, audios, and Hyperlinks. For instance, If a reader wants to explore more about the topic, he can just click on the hyperlink and navigate to the additional information rather than wasting time to find out the appendix and relevant other books. So, it goes without saying that EBooks act more collectively to present the data to their audience.  
  
In conclusion, increasing usage of the E-books has reduced the paper books consumption. There are some disadvantages of this trend regarding the health concern of the readers. But nevertheless, the interactive features and more availability make it stand out from the paper books; thus I argue that the advantages of the Ebooks far outweigh than the demerits it has.  
  
*PS: I know that this essay is too long for IELTS. If possible, please indicate how I can reduce the number of words. (or any unnecessary sentences of this essay)*
thilini, it is nice to know that you are cognizant of your errors in writing. That shows due diligence on your part and ability to take constructive criticism in order to improve your skills. The reason your essay ran longer than necessary is simple, it is supposed to be a single opinion essay but you chose to discuss both points of view. A move that was totally unnecessary and irrelevant to the discussion. Unless the prompt specifically states that you have to "discuss both points of view along with your opinion", all IELTS opinion essays are single point of view based. Only the opinion you support needs to be discussed, justified, and strengthened within the 3 body paragraphs. In this instance you were asked if you thought the advantages of the ebook outweighed its disadvantages, so there is only one point of view to be discussed, the advantage portion. The essay would have been immensely shortened if you had properly understood the prompt and responded accordingly. Remember, all opinion essays require only one point of view discussion unless otherwise specified.
Hello @senuthilini,  
  
Advantages:  
- They offer a sea of knowledge  
- Help to increase your vocabulary  
- Trains you to talk like Mr. Shashi Tharoor  
- Inculcates in you the power of imagination  
- Brings out the emotions in you  
  
Disadvantages:  
- Heavy to carry  
- Tedious to maintain  
- Sometimes they happen to be costly  
  
I would like to conclude by saying that keep reading books as you were doing previously instead of going for ebooks.  
  
Regards  
Priya
Hello @senuthilini  
  
Thank you so much. Its really mean for me when you appreciate my reply to this post.  
  
Seriously that's my true word and opinion about this topic. Just look at today's generation, they are busy with their smart phones and every thing goes online so as books also.  
  
That's why they really don't know how a old/new book smells like?  
  
Regards  
Priya
*With an increasing population communicating via the internet and text messaging, face to face communication will become a thing of the past. To what extent do you agree?*  
  
## Will direct communication soon become obsolete?

  
  
There is an ongoing trend that more and more people connect with one another through the online media such as text messaging rather than the actual facial communication. Which leads to some believe that the method of face to face talking would soon be substituted. In this essay, I completely disagree with the statement and will elaborate my reasons as follows.  
  
On primary reason to facial communication is still important is that facial expression helps convey its message more effectively. Many public speakers including politicians insist to give speeches in public. They understand that face to face interaction with the audience is the most efficient way to persuade people's beliefs. Texting or videoing would lose the elements of authenticity and integrity since it could be set up beforehand. Therefore, physical interaction is crucial to many people.  
  
Furthermore, many serious business meetings are required physical attendance in order to avoid any ambiguity. Since signing an agreement during its conference needs the absolute accuracy, online chatting or messaging would be unacceptable. This is imperative because a contract is a part of the company capitals. When the agreement goes wrong, one company might face negative consequences.  
  
Finally, A number of applications support face to face communication. Take Facetime for instance, its software that designed for people to see others' faces during its phoning. With these innovations, people are still using the technique of facial communication.  
  
To recapitulate, face to face interaction is still widely used as it helps the skills of storytelling to be credible. Even in the business world, the facial communication aids to reduce errors. Moreover, the technology has also adopted its way of physical communication for commercial use.  
  
*Frankly, it is hard to maintain the word count that under 250 with 5 paragraphs minimum when it comes to opinion essay. As a result, I tend to cut down the number of sentences whenever is applicable, is it good or bad? I spent 30 minutes to draft and about 5 to 10 minutes to revise it depending on the remaining time that I gave myself after the task one. It would be greatly appreciated if you can score my essay and advise me if there is any room for improvement.*
Jim, you do not start your sentence with which. You can incorporate that in the previous sentence or start with *This leads to some belie~~ve~~fs*..  
  
On**e** primary reason **why** facial...  
...to persuade people~~'s belief~~  
...business meetings ~~are~~ require~~d~~  
Finally, ~~A~~a...  
for instance, **a** software **that's** designed...other**'**s during **conversation**  
helps the skills of storytelling to be credible = enhances credibility through storytelling  
~~There is an ongoing trend that~~ more and more people connect...  
  
Your opinion is very sensible, I totally agree with you. Maybe you can keep short sentences so you can express your thought clearly since word count is limited.
SG, writing only 2 sentences per paragraph is unacceptable. You know that you can fail the essay because you do not meet the minimum sentence requirements so why are you even asking me if that is good or bad? The reason you find it hard to complete 3 sentences is simple. You are trying to say too much all at once. That is why you are being asked to outline your discussion before you start writing. When you outline your paragraphs you end up with at least 3 sentences that represent the following:  
  
Sentence 1 : Topic Sentence  
Sentence 2: Reasoning Sentence  
Sentence 3: Example sentence  
  
Using the simple template above, you can see that you are the one finding reasons to make it hard for you to complete 3 sentences per paragraph. It is very simple if you force yourself to stick to the formula. One topic sentence, one developed explanation with example. Nothing more, nothing less and you come up with the minimum paragraph requirements.  
  
Do not use the term "facial communication". The term "facial" indicates skin treatments, not communication styles. You will lose LR points for using the wrong term to discuss the topic. The proper descriptive words to use would have been physical, actual, face to face, real time, and reality to name but a few of the more appropriate words to have used in this essay.
This is the essay I wrote. I picked the title from IELTS past questions and I hope I might receive some feedback so that I can improve myself. Thanks!  
  
## evaluating competitiveness

  
  
In this globalization era, it is the survival of the fittest, as said in Charles Darwin's Natural Selection. Competitiveness has existed among humans for long, even in nature. Humans are distinct competitive beings. Humans strive for the best of the best, in order to be successful in life.  
  
Being competitive is rather a positive quality. It unleashes one's potential to the fullest. Humans normally feel uncomfortable when they are being overtook by stronger people.This feeling propels them to work hard, their abilities eventually become stronger. They feel rewarding when they see there are progresses going on well.  
  
Moreover, a competitive person will perceive his or her own mistakes easily. Encounter failures is not a big deal, it helps one the realize his or her own errors which inhibits one to be successful in an activity which one is currently doing. Humans are not born perfect, everyone does mistakes. Improvements can be made if a competitive one is aware of his or her wrongdoings.  
  
Furthermore, competitive people gain perseverance throughout the voyage of achieving success. Being successful is elusive, there are ups and downs in the progress. Failure is not scary at all, all things are difficult before they are easy. Positivity helps people to get through any obstacles; perseverance gradually leads to a fruitful success.  
  
In addition, competitiveness promotes people to be passionate about what they are currently doing. Growing interest gives one motivation to put in effort in what one is doing, which leads to the road of success. One will not be frustrated about his or her interest and he or she will surely enjoy the activity.  
  
This positive quality, competitiveness, pushes people to their limits, giving them greater opportunities to achieve success. In this fast-paced changing world, competitiveness and cooperative are elements for people to stand firm at the peak. Let us start culture a pinch of competitiveness in ourselves, to make ourselves a brighter person.