dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi,  
  
In overall, this is a good piece of writing but not a good essay to me personally.  
  
Grammar control should be your strength for this stage since I only see some minor "slips", such as "the youth have" (uncoutable), "gaining new knowledge and understanding the culture of another nation is" (plural). However, you seemed to list ideas rather than building an argument. The later is the purpose of Cambridge designing Task 2 in IELTS academic writing. Thus, you should intensively work on it by further googling, perhaps. Also, unlike Vietnamese's, English style is more likely going for addressing upheld perspectives before the opposed counterparts. So, you can consider exchanging the positions of your bodu paragraphs.  
  
Best,  
Tutela
## Advertisements effect

  
  
Advertising helps businesses reach potential customers who have the capability of buying the products. Due to brand awareness among consumers, advertising assists customers to make a decision regarding which product and service to buy. For instance, Target-audiences of Coca Cola are children and adolescent and they are successfully brought this kind of fizzy drinks popular to children around the world through varieties of advertising campaigns. In fact, it not only helps companies reach prospective customers but also create customers by domino phenomenon, the more new customers you gain through advertising, the more word of mouth those customers, in turn, will share with others.  
  
Nowaday, advertisting greatly contributes to the development of any economy, the advertising industry has become a huge industry because of the large product and service supples . Yet the expense of advertisting is not cheap, it attracts potential consumers for brands that brings profit. As a result, a multibilion-dollar industry appeared, many companies specializing in marketing was born such as BBDO, Ogily and Mather... Moreover, it has been creating sinigficant job opporturnities that necessary to decline unemloyment rate for a country.  
  
However, advertising sometimes can be very harmful to people in general, with the development of technology, we are constantly bombarded with advertising which can lead to negative consequences. Consumers must always be wary of the claims made in it since such claims are often exaggerated or untrue, it is normality that people are compelled to such advertising, the reason why we making a decision buying goods impulsively. For example, two restaurant owners in Thailand has been arrested due to the misinformation about the discount program, they were also identified as law-breakers. Another remarkable point is commercials and promotion videos, an effective tool using for advertisement. Thanks to catching melody, beautiful scenes,... it can easily attract attention. Nevertheless, an increasing sexually explicit advertisement has designed causing serious influences on our children. The government is supposed to impose regulations on the advertising industry to protect consumers.
As you did not provide the instructions for the writing of this paper, I can only offer you grammar related advice. For more focused advice and analysis of your work. I need to know what kind of essay you are writing, what test it is for, and what the discussion instructions are. Please provide that next time to get advice from a contributor.  
  
Majority of your errors are on the spelling side. It appears that you need to brush up on your English language skills. Read more English materials to familiarize yourself with the words and sentence structures. You need to download the free exercise sheets available online to help you with this problem.  
  
Spelling:  
  
Nowaday - nowadays  
advertisting - advertising  
supples - supplies  
multibillion-dollar - multibillion dollar  
Ogily - Ogivly  
sinigficant - significant  
opportunities - opportunities  
unemloyment - unemployment  
  
Punctuation Issues:  
law-breakers - lawbreakers (no hyphen required)  
beautiful scenes ,... - choose only one punctuation mark.  
  
These are errors that you should have caught if you had only bothered to spell check and edit your paper before submitting it. I cannot comment on the content as I only know the topic and title, but not the writing instructions for the essay. I can do that when you post your next essay. Provided you remember to post the writing instructions along with the essay.
## Comparing household expenditures in two countries

  
  
**Writing: The pie charts below show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010.**  
  
The two pie charts illustrate the percentage breakdown in the spending patterns of Japanese and Malaysian families in 2010.  
Concerning Japan, a typical family spent the lowest amount of money on healthcare with an insignificant portion of 4%. Housing and transport, both accounted one- fifth of Japanese household expenditure, while the figure for food was slightly higher, at 24%. The largest proportion of money was allocated for other goods and services, at 29%.  
  
When it comes to Malaysia, a similar pattern can be witnessed when a Malaysian household spared a tiny part of their budget for healthcare (3%), but substantial portions of more than a quarter for food and other goods and services. However, compared to Japan, the accommodation expense represented a much higher percentage (34%), meanwhile, the proportion for transport was much lower, only 10%.  
  
Overall, both Malaysia and Japan spent significantly on food, housing and other goods and services in 2010. It is also noticed that the spending pattern of a Japanese family was more evenly split compared to a Malaysian one.  
  
(174 words)  
  
*
You did good work in presenting the information based on the pie charts. You were smart to keep it direct to the point. Using the actual figures will also help show clarity and coherence in your presentation of data. However, the summary overview you presented was simply incomplete. The missing information include:  
  
- The type of measurement used (percentage)  
- The measurement basis (Housing, transport etc.) must also be outlined in the summary  
  
These additional 2 sentences would have helped you achieve the 3 sentence minimum per paragraph. It would have also shown how the discussion would have progressed per country. It would have been nice to see some comparison points between the two countries as these provide an idea to the examiner as to how well you scrutinized or analyzed the content of the pie charts in relation to its relevance to the countries provided. Was there any connecting information? Any similarities? You could have indicated something like "Malaysia and Japan showed similar spending considerations for housing. Both spent the least in the housing section at 6 and 3 percent respectively", or something similar.  
  
Overall though, this was pretty good work. It was refreshing to see a trending statement at the end of the essay. It created a positive variation for your data presentation. Everyone else places it as a part of the overview although, it could be located within any part of the essay. By placing the trend at the end, you created an interesting method of closing the discussion. It seems less abrupt than the average presentation.
**Q: *Newspapers are having enormous influence on people's ideas and opinions.***  
## Why is this the case? Is is a positive or negative development?

  
  
The news and information public by the media resulted in the prolong effect to the public concept and cognition.  
  
Nowadays, people always spend much time on whether reading the newspaper or browsing the website. All the time, they highly exposure to the numerous knowledge which might relevant to the social events or public awareness. This will affect public opinions. For example, recently, the homosexual issue becomes much more imperative, if it compared to the past. Some people perhaps can not accept or even understanding about the content of this hot issue, and after learning by the social newspaper, they could receive this perspective or even become the homosexual people.  
  
Some people argue that this situation could be a negative phenomenon. Nonetheless, others believe that is the positive improvement. For people who reckon that is a drawback may consider individuals will easily be affected by absorbing the idea without critical thinking. However, for others who seem this influence as the bright side might argue that human can not live without using the website or the internet. As it will cause the social distancing that people will feel isolated and disconnected with this world. If human can have the critical thinking ability, it dosa not matter that the information people received will make the effect on them because they can distinguish which one should be took into account and which one should be ignored.  
  
In conclusion, acknowledge and news people gained from any media, it must cause some effect. Sometimes are advantage to human, but sometimes are not. People do not have to accuse this development is the benefit or not. The only thing people need to do just take into consideration no matter what they knew instead of directly believing the information without hesitation.
Your prompt paraphrase is incomplete. As you can see, your presentation lacks the 3-5 sentence requirement for the paraphrase. You should have presented:  
- A topic restatement  
- Response to question 1  
- Response to question 2  
- transition to the actual discussion  
  
The prompt paraphrase serves to outline your discussion topics in the 2 reasoning paragraphs based upon your quick response to the 2 questions provided. The 2 reasoning paragraphs should provide the long discussion of the short response. That should have helped you to achieve a better formatted (as expected) essay presentation. Pay particular attention the instructions provided in this section and provide all the requirements. This section can help increase or decrease your final score.  
  
Your second paragraph is not answering the first question directly. It does not help you explain your reasons in relation to why newspapers influence people's lives. It is a throw away paragraph that will not help increase your scoring possibility. You should have provided a direct response as to why this is the case. Instead, you only tried to explain the influence of newspapers, which was not the first question being asked.  
  
The third paragraph is also incorrect. Rather than presenting a clear position on the topic, you decided to do a comparative discussion instead. The question is, do you YOU think it is a positive or negative development? Since scored on the clarity of your position, which in this case you failed to do, you cannot expect to get a passing score for the essay. You just did not offer a response that addresses the 2 questions posed for the discussion. So the essay did not follow the format for the discussion and did not properly discuss the topic either.  
  
Your concluding paragraph is not a summary of your previous discussion. It is a continuing discussion of the given topic. That means, your essay is not concluded. You did not close the discussion at all. So all the work that you did in the essay did not help you achieve a passing score. Before you write another exercise, you should first familiarize yourself with the discussion requirements and format representations for each type of Task 2 questions. That way you will have an idea as to how to properly address the task you are given for the practice test.
***Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.*  
  
## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
Some people have different views with regard to the question of how to train children to be a nice component of the community. In my views, parents and school must collaborate together to nurture better children's attitude.  
  
On the other hand, the school can certainly assist to encourage children to be nice in society. Social experiences that school offers will provide how to get on with each other for children. There are types of social experience such as meeting with their peers, playing together and building teamwork. Through the progression of education, invaluable life experiences and social development skills are being taken away from our children. As a result, we would hope that school is the ultimate opportunities to gain experiences and the understanding of life.  
  
On the other hand. I believe that family is the first school not only in term of socialization and citizenship but also in term of general education. Firstly, a positive family environment will give children examples. They can follow in order to better relate to others when they leave this environment. Secondly, in a family, a child learns to trust. Thirdly, a child then learns to compromise and to see that others have needs as well and trained that a co-operative society is a happier and more productive one for all. Finally, parents must be in charge to establish the best attitude for their children to be the right community member.  
  
In conclusion, while school can certainly aid to construct social experience. I believe that Parents are a paramount importance key to supervise their children.
Before you start to write the essay, you should first, analyze the topic, reasons, and instructions. Then make sure that your restatement and discussion paragraphs are aligned with the requirements. In this case, look at the points of view provided and outline the same to help you draft a response:  
  
*Topic 1: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.  
Topic 2: Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.  
Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
Now, the keywords for this essay discussion are as follows: Some people, others, own opinion. This means, the essay is to be presented using pronouns. The pronouns required are: Second person (some people, others) and first person (own point of view). I am sure you know which types of pronouns I am referring to so I will not delve too much into that discussion.  
  
When you write your draft, the format should be:  
  
*Paraphrase: There have been discussions regarding the training of the youth when it comes to becoming responsible representatives of their community. Certain sectors believe that mothers and fathers should be tasked to do this. However, some groups believe that the learning academies are the best place for youngsters to be educated about good manners and right conduct. It is important for me think about the reasons behind each reasoning so I can present my informed decision about the topic.*  
  
*Reason 1: There are people who believe that...  
  
Reason 2: In contrast, people to say that...  
  
Opinion: While both sides have their merits, I tend to support the idea that...  
  
Conclusion: To bring the discussion full circle, those that believe that... say so because... While those who support the idea that... also have good points. My view remains the same however. I believe in the strength of...*  
  
Following the above format, your essay should be able to properly represent the 3 sides of the discussion in a comprehensive manner, fully utilizing the 4 scoring sections to produce your highest possible score. The version above represents the outline of the discussion. Your current version is focused solely on presenting your personal point of view regarding the given topic. That is not the proper format for this essay.
## we know each other more

  
  
some people make you feel happy  
some people make you feel good  
some people make you strong  
  
Today me and S went to Tai To Yan for hiking, its totally 10km.  
In the begin Im afraid we can't finish because of the weather and looks longer step,  
Finally we finish the difficult hiking this afternoon with talk, all of my worry is gone and we know each other more and more.  
  
She is from Guangzhou, its J's girlfriend.  
She like freedom and stimulate, after graduate she just stay in Hong Kong for work.  
S meet J at a conference in hong kong in 2018, and like him immediately.  
its kind of romantic meet.  
  
They will travel to UK for study in the future.  
She seems like very ready for future.  
I hope this cute couple will keep encourage each other to the end.  
  
Every time after exercise always make me feel fresh,  
sometime even some new stories into my life, I will expect next story come.
The grammar in this essay is very problematic. It does not affect the intent or what you want to say in the presentation but it still presents a difficult read for an ENL. You need to do more English sentence building exercises. There is also the question of formatting in the presentation. You call this a hiking diary but you have presented it in the form of a poem. Which one is it? If you are writing in a diary or journal, you should not be using poetic verses in the presentation. It should be presented essay style because you are presenting a narrative to the reader. You should look at the example of diary entries online. It will give you a better idea as to how to write a diary entry. It requires: a date, a location, a summary of the day and the notable events that happened in, along with your pondering and / or opinion.  
  
Spelling errors:  
Im- I'm  
hong kong - Hong Kong  
its - It's  
  
The total presentation is riddled with grammar errors. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to rewrite the diary entry for you. Just know that you need to work on the fluency of your writing. Word choice presentations and proper word usage would be the best place to start with your lessons.
***Some people think success is the best measure of intelligence, while others think that intelligence can be measured in other ways.*  
## what is your opinion?**  
  
There has always been a debate among two terms, success and the intelligence to determine which impies the other. Many individuals think that intelligence can be measured based on the one's success, However, I would agree with those who believe it can be calculated by a number of other different methods.  
  
Firstly, it is already established that not all intelligent people get successful, many of them strive throughout their lives. One of the most common factor that can be used to determine intelligence is based on person's knowledge in their domain. In other words, How much knowledge does one have in their field of profession and the attention to detail they put into their work, regardless of the outcome. For illustration, in cybersecurity career, professional's that have vast knowledge about computers with expertise in detecting every smallest vulnerability in system are considered intelligent hackers. Alternatively, if companies were looking for brilliant work-force based on one's successful projects, they would have hard-time finding workers.  
  
Futhermore, a number of other traits like resilience and passion also serve the purpose to scale person's intelligence. This is because an individual who doesnot like what they do in their profession and are just motivated by money are usually incompetent. A passionate person with stubborn attitude to achieve things regardless of hurdles are top traits of intelligent people. For illustration, Elon Musk, despite failing three-times in landing rocket, investors agreed to invest money on him fourth time because they saw passion and resilience in his disposition.  
  
To recapitulate, I believe, a number of factors, such as excellence in working domain, passion, mental-ability to overcome problems can be used to scale one's brilliance and IQ not just limiting to success factor .
Your prompt paraphrase is difficult to understand because you did not use the proper words in the first sentence. You tried to use advanced vocabulary when you are only capable of elementary English words. Do not try to use complex words when you are not sure about how to use the word or, as in this case, if you know how to spell the word. The error is as follows:  
  
*There has always been a debate among two terms, success and the intelligence to determine which impies the other.*  
  
For starters, this is not a debate, it is only a discussion or an idea. As you can see in the original prompt, the phrase reference was "Some people**think**..." , meaning, it is an idea. So you have to use the correct keyword paraphrase which is; "There has always been a difference in ideas involving intelligence..." Another error you made was in word choice. There is no such word as "impies". You tried to use a term you were not familiar with which is "implies", meaning to infer to suggest.  
  
The first reasoning is incorrect. Intelligent people are successful people, even without an education. Steve Jobs, Mike Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, all 3 did not graduate from college and yet proved their intelligence by providing the world with computer tech that changed the way we live. Elon Musk, graduate from several colleges and universities with a BA and BS. His intelligence is both measured by his passion and his degrees. He wasn't just street smart, which is the intelligence that is referred to in this essay, he also had a proper intelligence measurement based on his degrees, along with his success. The prior 3 men, used their inborn intelligence and street smarts to get ahead. They are all intelligent based on differing criteria.  
  
Your mistake was focusing on financial success as the measure of intelligence. That is where you made a mistake in the analysis of the prompt. You were to discuss the intelligence angle based simply on the success of a person in life. Not a financial success, but by the project he successfully led. Your reasons which are passion, excellence in working domain, mental ability to overcome problems does not prove intelligence. It only proves resilience, which is a far cry in definition from intelligence and success.
**Topic:** ***Everyone should become vegetarian because they do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet.***  
## Do you agree or disagree?

  
  
It is a common belief that becoming vegetarian is better for everyone's health because there is no meat in their diet. Although meat brings a lot of nutrients, I personally agree with the idea becoming vegetarian and have no meat in diet.  
  
On the one hand, vegetables give us adequate nutrition to support our bodies. A well-planned vegetarian diet contains all the nutrients that we need. It is naturally high in fibre and low in saturated fats, which can help to prevent cancer. Vegetarian also reduce the risk of heart diseases due to the fat in meat. For example, many vegetables are great sources of vitamins and mineral such as vitamin A,E as well as calcium. Therefore, instead of eating many kind of food to get these vitamins, everyone only need to eat these vegetables.  
  
On the other hand, having vegetarian diet and stopping to eat meat can improve the environment as well. It is high time people stopped killing animals necessarily. Growing vegetables and cereals for ourselves rather than for cattle will greatly reduce the human impact on the environment. For instance, livestock farming has a vast environmental footprint. It contributes to land and water degradation which can lead to biodiversity loss,acid rain and deforestation. Nowhere is this impact more apparent than climate change-livestock farming contribute a noticeable proportion of human produced greenhouse gas emissions worldwide.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that vegetarian diet is better for everyone because of its nutrition, and having no meat in our diet also help to improve the environment.