dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@King heart  
Hi, welcome. Here is my feedback.  
  
There's a lot of confusion when it comes to your general composition of the text. A lot of it is due to inappropriate sentence structure. Always try to recall the fundamental rules of writing when you are making academic essays, especially since this will determine how enhanced your writing will be. For example, the first sentence of the first full-on paragraph was incomprehensible. The phrase *from the initial stages* should have been omitted, considering that it wasn't really that relevant to the write-up. Furthermore, the line *solar panels ideal is the position* doesn't make sense. The word *ideal* in that sentence is used as an adjective, therefore you needed to put a noun afterward to explain on what that *ideal* object is. For instance, what you could have done was say that it was *the solar panels ideal position angle* - which would make more sense. I noticed the same mistakes in the second body paragraph.  
  
When you're using transition words (ie. the usage of *first* in the second body paragraph), you have to follow it up to maintain consistency (in this case, you needed to input first, second, etc.). If you're unable to follow through with this, you would be better off omitting these parts of the writing.
## heating by solar panels

  
  
The process of water heating system in a home using solar powered is illustrated by the picture.  
  
How does the process run? Initially, Solar Panels on the roof of a house collecting energy from sunlight. Then, trun on Controller and the pump could push Thermal Fluid in metal pipe to reach Solar Panels that will heating the fluid or liquid before go down to Heating Coil inside the Water Tank. After water heated by Thermal Fluid, it can be use on daily activity such as hot water for showers and taps.  
  
It need to know, Solar panels should not be obstructed by tree and the ideal angle to sun is 90°. Besides that, there are two optional location to install the solar panels, on the roof of a home or on the yard, also every choice have advantages and disadvantages respectively. The former place is difficult to cleaning and maintain, but its above obstructions, while the latter show the reverse.  
  
Clearly, there are some stages in process to gain hot water by using solar powered that absorbed in solar panels. These stages could running well and effective depends on location solar panel installed in a home.  
  
*
@M\_amin\_N  
Welcome to the forum! I hope that the feedback you receive here would help you in your writing endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any more questions.  
  
Be extra cautious when it comes to your grammar as I noticed that most of your mistakes were technical ones. Try to read up more on the tenses and the proper composition of sentences. For example, in your first full-on paragraph, the second sentence is incorrect because it should have indicated that *solar panels collect energy*, **not** *collecting energy*. The latter would be incorrect given the sentence formatting. If you insist on using collecting, you should have inserted either of these: is, will be, or have been. Insert that prior to the word. Be mindful of similar mistakes elsewhere.  
  
Furthermore, when you're detailing the processes, it would be a lot better if you attempted to add more structure to the writing. For instance, after every full sentence (there's a subject, verb, and predicate), try inserting a more appropriate punctuation mark such as a semi-colon or comma. Doing this will give more body to your writing.  
  
You also need to be more consistent with capitalization. Bear in mind that nouns such as solar panels, controllers, and thermal fluid should all be consistently not capitalized.
Hello, I just registered an account in EssayForum to looking for aid to my Writing's skill (since my mentor cannot be in charge of it anymore). I'm really appreciated if anyone here could support me!  
  
## the role of advertising and its influence

  
  
Here is the full topic: **Advertising is becoming more and more common in everyday life. Some people say that advertisement has a positive impact on our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
If there is any phrases or statements which are not well made, please feel free to correct it. Thank you!  
  
My work:  
It is argued that the popularity of advertisement nowadays has caused good influence on our society. While I believe that advertising has many benefits in terms of being a great tool for business and marketing, there are a few problems in information credential due to improperly uses.  
  
It is unquestionable advertisement contribute several benefits to company growth and job offers.  
By becoming one of the fundamental factors in almost every company's plan, advertising is likely to generate a variety of employment opportunities. Subsequently, it provides many occupants for those working as designers, painters in making graphics and content writers developing ideas. Another advantage is that advertisements will enable the company to convey messages throughout their products and services to reach potential customers. As a result, it is not only the corporation's popularity but also their sales for businesses will be risen in a short period of time.  
  
However, advertising may cause several problems to customers due to its potential to be annoying and unnecessary. Firstly, instead of being informed such information which actually related to the function and properties of products, customers might be bombarded with all kinds of irrelevant advertisements. As a result, people may end up wasting money for falsely advertised products which are of little use to buyers. Secondly, a few companies are taking advantage of advertising for their commercial purposes by showing misleading and inaccurate facts. This leads to the poorer customer services as these corporations do not take customers's experience and feelings into account. Consequently, customers will not only lose their interested in buying advertised products but also companies' reputation.  
  
In conclusion, advertising plays an important role in our modern society nowadays as it provides customers a wide range of products and helps many companies in sales. However, people should not overuse them to gain more profits while showing the false information as well as the facts that beyond buyers' expectations.
@ferbdeptrai  
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach if you have more questions.  
  
Firstly, be extra cautious of the technical angles of writing. This would include the formatting of the sentence, arrangement of details, and other smaller parts of writing that are essential (grammar, tenses, punctuation mark usage, etc.). If you are able to keep all of these details substantially at bay, it would highly improve your writing because you will have more appeal to the readers/evaluators. For example, if we take a look at the first paragraph, the first sentence should have been a simple: *The emergence of popularity has positively influenced society*. Notice how the packaging is more concise - and yet, they both deliver the same message. Try to implement this technique for when you are writing.  
  
The conclusion also needs to be shaped in a more straightforward manner. You could have omitted mentioning that *advertising plays an important role* since you explained that part already in the first portions of the text. Stick with just mentioning what you were able to figure out through the writing. The last sentence here appears to be hanging as well. Try to stick with something more concrete if you it would be possible.
## Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign language can cause serious social problems

  
  
Globalisation has allowed people to travel to another country easier than it used to be. However, some think that living in a foreign country where you cannot speak your mother language can lead to severe social problem and difficulties in daily life.I partially agree that it can cause social problem and practical problem. However, these problems can be minimised.  
  
Language is the most direct means of communication. Firstly, if people are unable to speak the foreign language, they feel a sense of isolated and even loneliness. Since it is hard to understand what others are saying or express themselves, they can make little friends due to language barrier. It is not easy for them to talk to others or ask others when they need help. They hence can feel lonely and being isolated by the community. Secondly, For those who leave their own country alone to another country to seek better career or life, they have to get a job to start a new life. However, without speaking the local language, they can hardly cope with tasks and deal with others. They may find it difficult to maintain their standard of living. Thirdly, it is hard for people to understand the pattern of living in the country, such as the traffic rules since they cannot understand the signs and instructions. It increase difficulties in daily living as well.  
  
However, some people manage to overcome the obstacles. Learning the language is the most effective way. Other than that, people can also use other means of communication such as body language like a smile to show their kindness. Speaking a language is not the solo way to get people closer. The only thing is if you wish to try.  
  
In conclusion, I partially agree that if one cannot speak the foreign language where he/she lives, it may cause some social and practical problem. However, with other means of communication, such problem can be minised.
@sue0504  
Hello,  
  
I would like to share my thoughts on your writing  
  
Firstly you have all good answers to your question and more balanced view on the topic.  
  
I would only give my thoughts on the contents.  
In your introduction i think you can futher improve by defining what social problems is ?? sometimes it gives more understanding of the topic to the reader. And then introduce your topic and ideas that you would discuss in your body.  
  
In the second paragraph, i think you should organise each points with a paragraph with just three or four lines and provide examples to strengthen you point. For example , inability to speak foreign language...its cause?? What impacts ?? Give example/illustration reiterate your main idea.. To this for the ideas/points that minimised the the problem.  
  
Finally, make sure to check for punctuation to help your writing.  
  
I hope these comments help you in your writing.
Hello! @sue0504  
  
I think you have good ideas for this topic but you need to be more organised while presenting your ideas.  
  
In your introduction, I understand that you wanted to present two main points which are "social problems when having language barrier in a foreign country" and "solutions help mitigate the effects". However, if there is a way to make them sound more connected you really should take it into consideration. I would like to suggest you my amendment:  
  
***Nowadays, globalisation has made travelling from countries to countries a lot easier than it used to be for people. However, there are thoughts that the language barrier when you live in a foreign country can lead to serious social problems and difficulties in daily life. While I agree with the existence of these problems and their effects on people's life, I think there are ways that can help mitigate the effects and help people overcome the situation.***  
  
However, I would also suggest that you narrow your ideas so that you would have more time to focus on each point and give more insights into your writing. Additionally, it is advisable that every body paragraph contains one topic sentence, explanatory sentences and examples.Therefore, having many ideas means that you need to create more paragraphs to talk about them so you might be easy to get lost and you are more likely to run out of the given time (If there is). In that way, it would be beneficial if you divide the first body paragraph into two paragraphs. Each one focuses only on a point at a time, with the format above. The same can be applied for the second body paragraph.  
  
The last part I want to mention is that you should carefully check your grammar mistakes after you finish your writing. It is the last but very important and immensely helpful step!  
  
Those are some of my opinions on your essay. I hope that they are useful and I wish you best luck!
## the map analysis

  
  
The process of how the solar powered water-heating system and how to choose the appropriate location throughout the solar panels is illustrated in the map.  
  
Overall, the process is divided into two stages, the first stage is related to how to pick the optimal location and the second one is about how the process of solar powered water-heating system is going.  
  
How the processes in unfold? The solar panels are sometimes mounted on the roof and face to the south with ideal angle to sun 90° as to easy to install and can be positioned to capture an optimal amount of energy from the sun. If the solar panels is put on the ceiling, they will be difficult to clean and maintenance actually, however, this position also brings a merit, which is more likely not be obstructed from the trees and nearby structures. On the other hand, if the solar panels are placed on the land-based, they will be easy to clean and maintenance but they may get more obstructions.  
  
What is more? The process of solar powered water heating system is obviously complex, the solar panels absorb the sun to generate the direct current energy, and then the thermal fluid, also known as hot oil, a special heat transfer liquid, is controlled by a pump where its temperature is raised for use in heating the water. The cold water is commonly provided in the shape-liked tank, this space enable to accommodate the considerable amount water. Also, there is an aluminum pipe, namely heating coil, set up inside of the water tank, is used to direct the hot water. Eventually, the water can be set up in the hot or cold, either used for those who like drink in the taps or take a shower.  
  
*
## sodium, fats and sugars in american meals

  
  
Given are the pie charts illustrate the average percentages of three different types of additives added in food in the USA, which are sodium, saturated fat, and added sugar. If any of which consumed too much by people, it may be unhealthy to human body.  
  
The chart of sodium demonstrate that people consume it the most during dinner, which made up to 43%, and it remain constant while having breakfast and lunch. Meanwhile, just as sodium, dinner also reveal the biggest portion of the chart, but there are a slight difference between snacks and breakfast, 21% for snacks and 16% for breakfast.  
  
When it comes to added sugar, it is crystal clear that people consume it the most for snacks, and less for breakfast. At the end, it is interesting to find out people are having a nicer and healthier meal for breakfast, and tend to have an unhealthy meal for dinner.  
  
*   
*task 1*
You should write and paraphrase more simple and complex introduction, which can accommodate all the elements:  
For example: the pie charts illustrate the proportion of three different types ... and added sugar in the various meals.  
  
The chart ... demonstrate(s) that ...  
..., but there are (is) a slight ...  
  
When it comes to added sugar, it is ~~crystal~~ clear that ... for breakfast (majority people consume it mostly for snack rather than for breakfast). .  
  
" I think you are still suffering of making compound and complex sentence, please open this website to help you more khan academy. and learn more about how to put your comparison sentence.
## water heated by sun - the system description

  
  
The diagram shows the process of solar water heating system and the installment of solar panels are located in two different areas.  
  
Initially, the solar water heating system uses solar panel which collects solar energy from the sun. This energy supplies the electricity for the heating system and through the thermal fluid. The pump will operate through controller. Moreover, there is heating coil in the water tank to heat the cold water and ready to used for daily ablution.  
  
There are positive and negative effects for every part of solar panels. In the first installations, it is easy to clean and maintenance but it is obstructed easily. Meanwhile, the second installation is difficult to clean and maintenance yet its above obstructions by trees. Both solar panels should be in ideal angle for 90o and facing south to absorb the sunlight.  
  
Overall, the process of water heating system which used solar energy that powered by solar panels in two different places.  
  
*
you cannot reach a score higher in Task Achievement since you fail to summarize the main report in the overview. A good overview should sum up the two pictures above. Some basic grammar flaws are seen, like **installment ... are; The pump will operate ... ; there is heating coil; and ready to used;**. Although they do not affect the communication, these errors affect the accuracy, and this may lead to a 5.0 in grammatical range and accuracy. Other problems can be seen as well in the use of cohesive devices and comma splices. It is suggested to put a comma if you use coordinate conjunctions.  
  
I do not see any improvements in details 1 & 2, since you did not successfully describe the two diagrams. This is not all about ~~There are positive and negative effects for every part of solar panels.~~ , so I prefer to omit this.  
  
Hope this helps
## the choice of particular fast food chains

  
  
The pie chart presents the proportion of teenagers' preference for three fast food restaurants in Vietnam and Indonesia from 2017 to 2027.  
  
In 2017, the percentage of teenagers eating at Burger King, McDonald's, and KFC in Vietnam were 52,8%, 43,1%, and 4,1% respectively. The figures showed that Burger King was the most preferred restaurant in Vietnam. However, the most popular restaurant in Indonesia was McDonald's chosen by 60,8% teenagers, followed by KFC and Burger King with respective percentages of 23,8% and 15,4%.  
  
In the next 10 years, the proportion of teenagers choosing McDonald's in Vietnam is projected to rise by 14,3%, overtaking that of Burger Kings which is predicted to decrease by 13,8%. Meanwhile, the percentages of teenagers eating at KFC will show noticeable increases but remain being the lowest in Vietnam. By contrast, the preference of Indonesian teenagers for McDonald's will significantly reduce to less than 50%, but those for KFC and Burger King will show the reverse.  
  
Overall, the percentage of teenagers choosing Burger King was initially the highest in Vietnam, while the most preferred fast food outlet in Indonesia was McDonald's. However, the latter is predicted to rapidly increase and eventually become the most popular restaurant in both countries.  
  
*
Hi Irsa, I just notice that you've made some grammar mistakes, let me correct it for you:  
  
Here you are,  
  
~~fast food~~ as adj should be written using hypen (-) **fast-food**  
but ~~remain being~~ the lowest in Vietnam is incomplete S+V agreement **but it remains the lowest**, or you should write **but remaining to be the lowest**  
  
~~...~~ is written well but better if you write ... to **increase rapidly,** eventually becom**ing** the most ...
I dont need see any problem in the introduction. You did it well. However, it seems that some misconception in the overview. You cannot say this: **teenagers choosing Burger King**, and therefore you need to change it into teenager choosing to **EAT fast food in** Burger King. Again, you come up with **predicted to rapidly increase** that I think it needs to be changed into ...**predicted to show an upward trend**.  
  
When it comes to details 1 & 2, you have successfully described the trend and differences, but you fail to minimize the errors, like **the percentage ... were; but remain being the lowest; , the preference ... significantly reduce**. Also, some data is unclear, like **the percentages ... increases but remain being the lowest ...**  
  
Not only this, you attempted to use some references, but they misused, like **The figures; those for;**  
  
Hope this helps
## different statistics of social networking sites

  
  
The comparison of user engagement for four social media platforms is presented in the table and the proportion of their market share is illustrated in the pie chart.  
  
Overall, the number of average visits per day for Twitter presents the biggest rate while the highest percentage of market share is Facebook. LinkedIn which has dominated for spending time per day.  
  
The most visitor from social media per day is Twitter, followed by Facebook which has the highest proportion in market share. Nevertheless, the figure for average time per day in Twitter show the lowest rate at 0.6 and that of those in Facebook is the second lowest one at 0.8.  
  
LinkedIn becomes the biggest portion of average hours that has spent by user in everyday but the number of its visitor has the lowest rate at 7.2 as well as their market share with 11.34%. Similarly, the second highest user for spending their time in social media is Instagram yet its figure has less visitor at 16.6 as well as 18.45% of its market, being the second lowest.  
  
*
## chicken, beef and lamb consumed on the old continent

  
  
The graph below shows the consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat in a European country between 1979 and 2004  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant  
  
The chart illustrated the amount of fish and some sorts of meat namely chicken, beef and lamb consumed by citizens of European territory in the period of time from 1979 to 2004 .  
  
Overall , It is clear that the European attended to eat less beef and lamb but more chicken during the time from 1979 to 2004. In the contrary , fish's consumption was stable and seemed not change in the same time.  
  
As can be seen from the graph , in 1979 , the consumption of beef was up to 200 grams per person per week . That number had a significant fluctuaion throughout 7 years . Then , it was a little more than 100grams eaten up by people in European area. Lamb's consumption was recorgnized at 150 grams per person in every week in 1979 but dropped rapidly in 2004 at a number of 60 to 70 grams eaten by each person weekly  
  
On the other hand , the number of consumption of chicken made by residents in that area increased dramatically during the same time . At the beginning of the period , the chicken's grams consumed by each inhabitant was under 150 grams but at the end it jumped suddenly up to 250 grams. Fish's consumption was level off with a fluctuation at 50 grams.  
  
*
Dear Windy,  
  
I would like to provide you with some feedbacks. Hopefully, it can help you improve your writing. Firstly, you might not need to write the instruction and could post your essay right away. As explained in the introduction, the figures shows the consumption of fish and various kinds of meat in a European country. Hence, instead of using "*citizens of European territory*", you might want to change it into "**citizens of European territory**". Then, you should omit the time and include both language of change as well as comparison in the overview. Also, you need proofread your writing to avoid any typos and redundancies, i.e.:  
  
- "*..." can be changed to "**in the period of ~~time from~~ 1979 to 2004**".  
- "[i]Overall, it is clear that...*" can be altered to "**Overall,...**" or "**It is clear that...**" (You can choose one.)  
- "the European ~~attended~~ **tended** to eat less beef"  
- "~~That~~ The number ... **fluctuation** ~~throughout~~ **for** 7 years."  
- "... was **recognized** at 150 grams ..."  
- "*In the contrary , fish's ...*" can be edited to "**On the contrary, the figures for fish consumption were relatively stable yet remained the lowest.**"