dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Ucha,,  
These are a few suggestions to improve your score in this essay  
Please, review my notes and deal with them  
  
rather than in high school level  
Secondary school has different meaning with the high school. It is better if you only write its original word rather than you paraphrase but making fault.  
  
I assume that a couple of benefits  
Avoid using word "assume".. I TEND TO STATE THAT A COUPLE OF BENEFITS  
  
~~On the one hand,~~ it is often said that ~~acquiring~~ LEARNING foreign language will (...) a child PERIOD because children are able to imitate language EASIER than adolescence. This IS also supported by the theory of THE second language and learning acquisition, which ~~is~~ stated that Critical Period (...) or learn THE second/foreign language.  
  
... who enrolled in AN international kindergarten ...  
... since childhood become A good foundation for (...) or spoken in THE foreign language such as English RENOWNED AS THE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE.  
  
.., learning THE foreign language in primary ...  
~~So~~ CONSEQUENTLY , children may not be able to focus on ...  
... childhood is the period ~~in which~~ WHERE they played more than learning. As a result, ~~many~~ A GREAT NUMBER OF children cannot enjoy ...  
  
All in all, regarding ~~to~~ both point of views, it (...) started to learn THE foreign language ...(Honestly, your conclusion is less sharpen because I have not found why you said that learning the foreign language in the primary school is better than in the secondary. I believe you can make it better.)
Ghost Minitaur, the newest version of a dog robot is capable of cross obstacle-strewn terrain impassable to wheeled and tracked robots, it can also climb stairs and chain-link fences. The current version of Minitaur weighs 6 kilogrammes and can crawl, sidle crabwise or rear up against a vertical surface. Attachment to the end of robot's leg allows it to open door handles as well as to grip and climb fences.  
  
The electronic are built using off-the-shelf components. This means that, although each robot currently cost around $10,000 to make, this should drop below $1500 when production ramps up. Minitaur seemingly useful to the emergency services when disaster and US military are likely to be interested in Minitaur as a sensor platform for bomb disposal and urban reconnaissance. But we quite fancy just having one to greet us when we come home from work.
Hi Yo..  
I have some comments..  
  
... a dog robot is capable of ~~cross~~[crossing] obstacle-strewn terrain ...  
The current version of Minitaur ~~weighs~~[is weight] 6 kilogrammes and can ...  
[The] Attachment to the end of ...  
  
... each robot currently ~~cost~~ [costs] around $10,000 (...) when production ramps [are] up.  
~~But~~[Nevertheless,] we quite fancy just ...  
  
I hope it helps..
Hello Yonathan,  
  
The current version of Minitaur weighs 6 kilogrammes and can crawl, sidle crabwise ... YOUR SENTENCE NEED VERB  
  
Attachment ~~to~~OF the end of robot's leg ...  
  
The electronic ~~are~~WAS built using ...  
  
... when disaster and US military ~~are likely~~ to be interestedBETTER YOU PUT ONLI ONE VERB IN ONE SENTENCESTO BE INTERESTED in Minitaur as a sensor ...  
  
Hope These Help
Hi Yonathan,  
Actually, it is a good summary. However, let me help you to finalize this. Meet my notes and review them  
  
... impassable to wheeled and tracked robots~~,~~.(well, placing a comma or period is a tiny error. However, it can determine whether your sentence is true or not. You have to remember that each sentence only has one main verb so that when there are two main verbs and do not have a conjunction, it is a major mistake) it can also climb stairs ...  
  
This means that~~,~~ although each robot currently HAS cost around $10,000 to make IT, this should drop below $1500... ~~But~~HOWEVER,(You need a linking word, not connecting conjunction) we quite fancy just having one ...
Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) made a decision that member of this organization cannot agree about cartel system because Iran and Saudi Arabia was still rival in this sectori. On September 28th the OPEC members gathered a meeting and agreed to cut and limit of production to 32.5-33 m barrels per day. Saudi Arabia was decreased significantly in production. Next, these will take noticed of what the agreement talked about Saudi Arabic. This country had insisted that it would cut output only if other producers followed suit. However, This condition, OPEC brought into direct conflict with other such as like Iran. This country had been decreased of oil production while the Algiers Agreement will be possible if Iran won of argumentation. On the other hand, this agreement already discussed about oil price whereas the oil market had been decreased the price this year. For additional information, OPEC still powerfull in oil global market.
... (OPEC) made a decision ~~that~~IN WHICH member of this (...) cartel system ~~because~~SINCE Iran and Saudi Arabia ~~was~~ARE still THE rival in this sector~~i~~ . On September 28th [COMMA] the OPEC members (...) to cut and limit ~~of~~THE production to 32.5-33 ... MOREOVER/BESIDES/AT THE SAME TIME. *etc [according to the meaning you want to deliver]* Saudi Arabia ~~was~~ decreased significantly in production.  
  
... cut output only if other producers followed suit.**?** However, ON This condition, OPEC HAS brought into direct conflict with otherS such as ~~like~~[REDUNDANCY] Iran.  
  
... been decreased ~~of~~ITS oil production while the (...) if Iran won ~~of~~THE argumentation.  
... the oil market had been decreased ON the price this year.  
... OPEC IS still powerful in ...  
  
**OVERALL, you need to concern about the coherence of each sentence in delivering the flow of ideas or information**
Bill Gates, in his TEDtalk, pointed out that virus infection will possibly cause millions of death instead of physical threat like nuclear weapon in the future. The problem is, there are far more investment on nuclear prevention but we are lack of system to prevent epidemic.  
  
A particular example of lack of system was Ebola outbreak sometimes ago. Initially, there was no stand-by group of epidemiologists to examine spread of the disease and the absence of medical staff. Bill identified three reasons why ebola did not expand to a larger area, it was because the ultimately great job done by number of health workers, the virus does not spread thorough the air, and it was only concentrated in rural areas. However, he warned that there may be more and more threatening virus in the future that people should worry about.  
  
Therefore, Bill proposed a solution to integrate all instruments into one global health system such as to take advance the use of technologies, mobile phones, and sciences. For example, he hope that new drugs and vaccines will be discovered by scientists. However, He doubt about how much the expense to carry out the initiatives, but he fairly convinced that the cost is very low compared to the potential harm caused by epidemic.
Hello Kiev,  
  
~~The problem is, there are far~~THESE PROBLEM ARE more investment on nuclear ...  
  
BillBILL GATES/GATES identified three (...) a larger area, ~~it was~~ because IT WAS the ultimately great (...), the virus ~~does~~DID not spread thorough ...  
  
... health system such as ~~to take~~ advance ~~the use~~ of technologies, mobile phones, and WITHOUT COMMA sciences.  
  
Hope these helps,
... like nuclear weapon CAN CAUSE in the future. The problem is, THAT there are far more (...) but we are STILL lack of system to prevent epidemic CASES .  
  
A particular example of ~~lack of system~~THIS was Ebola ...  
Initially, there ~~was~~WERE no stand-by (...) to examine THE WIDE spread of the disease ..  
... not expand to a larger area, [FULLSTOP] it was because the ultimately (...), and it ~~was~~ only concentrated in rural areas.  
  
... such as to take advance OF the use of technologies,...  
For example, he hopeS that new drugs and vaccines ...  
However, He doubtED about how much the expense to ...  
**OVERALL, THIS IS A GOOD SUMMARY. GOOD LUCK**
Humans are not separated by nature and everything is interconnected each other. These can be explained by the cycle of an iceberg. Iceberg is come from one snowflake united with other snowflakes year by year. It which is lain 200 feet in height above sea level is borne from disintegration of ice shelves. Each iceberg has special personality to interact with its environment. Some of them choose to give up and hold on bitter end, but others can crumble in a fit of dramatic passion. It is easy to think that iceberg is always separated and alone. Same as we see our self as human, but the reality is far from it. A disintegration of iceberg is followed by released mineral-rich fresh water that nourishes many forms of life. it is not the end of its life, but it is a time to give benefit for its environment. People have to take some learning from the iceberg cycle life. We have to benefit the other life until the time we have to leave.  
  
Camille Seaman  
Source: TED
Humans are not separated ~~by~~ FROM nature ~~and~~ WHILE everything is interconnected each other.  
Iceberg is ~~come~~ MADE/BUILT/STRUCTURED etc. ~~from~~ OF one snowflake WHICH unite~~d~~ with other snowflakes ...  
It which is lain 200 feet in height above sea level ...CONFUSING SENTENCE. = IT IS LAID 200 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL WHICH IS THE RESULT OF ICE SHELVES DISINTEGRATION  
  
*Same as we see our self as human, but the reality is far from it.* [THIS TALKED ABOUT WHAT? ]  
... iceberg is followed by ~~released~~ THE RELEASE OF mineral-rich fresh water ...  
We have to benefit the other ~~life~~ LIVES until the time ...
***All children should study a foreign language in school starting in the earliest grades. To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Some people from around the world think that a foreign language needs to be taught at the school since earliest grade. I firmly agree with this view that children can be introduced to foreign language from their first year, especially English as the international language.  
  
According to the statement above that English needs to be taught to earliest school-age children. Due to the fact that children's brain can easily process several languages simultaneously with their intelligence development. Refer to Piaget's theory of cognitive development that Middle childhood is the best moment for the child to gain new skills including language skill. For instance, almost throughout the developed countries, students at kindergarten have been introduced to English by story-telling, sing a song during studying process. To result, this method had successfully devoted children's ability to speak bilingual. In addition, nowadays every technology is using English for every instruction. Giving a child a gadget is a notable to support child needs such as for education or even playing a game. By learning English at school, it drives child easily to using the gadget, so they have the ability to understand the instruction of the application on the gadget.  
  
Nevertheless, an overseas language is a necessary for this decade, a teacher does not have to take a focus only on it, as children need social education rather than language education to build up their social environment and form the personality. At playgroup, for instance, the student not only learns about alphabet or number but also learn build friendship in their new environment, playing in a group which means tolerance is a must. This character formation will affect their future.  
  
To concluded, I completely believe that an overseas language is a need that could be taught since the first-year school. Although English is an assertion for this develop the world, social education needs to be juxtaposed with language education.
Hi Fauziyah..  
I am pleased to read your writing because you have shown positive progress. You have written your essay systematically. In this moment, let me help you to finalize your essay. I only focus on your contents. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.  
  
a foreign language needs to be taught at the school since earliest grade  
IT IS BETTER ON CONDITION THAT A FOREIGN LANGUAGE IS TAUGHT AT THE SCHOOL SINCE EARLIEST GRADE.  
(You are supposed to reread your sentence to make you sure whether it is convenient to be read or not.)  
  
I firmly agree with this view that children can be introduced to foreign language from their first year  
Actually, you have written the thesis statement because it has clearly seemed where your position is. However, you should give one or two words to display why you agree if readers know general description what you will review  
  
According to the statement above,~~that~~ English needs to be ...  
~~Due to~~ THERE IS ~~the~~ A fact that children's brain can easily ...  
For instance, almost throughout the developed (...), sing a song during studying process.(Actually, it is essential to be added because you have given the scientific fact.)  
  
I*n addition, nowadays every technology [...] needs such as for education or even playing a game*(I think you are better to find another reason because that is less strong) .  
  
... language is a necessary VERY PRIMARY for this decade~~,~~ . a teacher does (...) only on it~~,~~ as children need social ...  
(In fact, this paragraph is out of the topic because you explained why the teacher does not only focus on teaching the language. Turning to the prompt, you are asked to explain why you disagree if the foreign language is taught in the first formalk education. Please, pay attention to the prompts of the statement)  
  
To conclude~~d~~ , I completely believe that ...  
... for this develop the world, social education needs to be juxtaposed with language education.**(This is out of the topic)**.  
To finalize your the conclusion paragraph, you are supposed to include suggestions from a varied of elements to tackle this matter.  
  
**OVERALL, IT IS A GOOD JOB  
KEEP SPIRIT  
GOOD LUCK**
Abigail March had an experience when someone saves her life, and she curious why someone more altruist than other people. A lot of people including everybody from philosophers and economist believe that human nature is fundamentally selfish, but some people risk their life to help people unselfishly. Abigail found something about the brain performance which affect people to more altruist rather than others.  
  
Abigail start explaining about psychopath's brain, the research showed that psychopath has characteristics, a psychopath cannot feel someone are in distress and lack a brain part called amygdala. Is altruist people are opposite of psychopath which have big amygdala? The altruist brain is better at recognising other people's fear and has hyperactive amygdala. The altruist literally does not think of themselves as being at the centre of anything, every people have the same portion of priority in altruist mind.
Hi Yonathan, here's another one fro my end.  
  
- ... an experience when someone ~~saves~~ saved her life,  
- and she got curious why someone  
- can be more altruist than other people.  
- Abigail found something about the brains  
- performance which affects people to be more altruist ~~rather~~ than others.  
  
- Abigail started explaining  
- about a psychopath's brain,  
- the research showed that a psychopath  
- ~~Is~~Are altruist ~~people are~~the opposite of psychopath ~~which have~~with big amygdala?  
- The altruist brain is better at recogniz ing other  
- same portion of priority in an altruist mind.  
  
There you have it Yonathan, I hope this helps in your revision and as always, should you need further assistance, we are here for you. For future writing reference,mind the association of ideas that you have in your sentences as this will affect the overall impact of the essay.
**Governments should make more effort to promote alternative sources of energy.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Recently, many politician and academician discuss renewable energy and its benefit for the country. Many alternative energies such as the wind, geothermal, and nuclear energy sound promising to overcome the rise of fossil energy.  
  
There are several reasons why the alternative source of energy should be a government priority. Firstly, alternative energy relies on natural resources which do not harm the environment. For example, alternative energy such as solar panel, windmill, and geothermal are natural resources and do not have any emission or disposal which pollute the environment. Secondly, alternative energy is a solution for rising price of other non-renewable energy such as gasoline and charcoal. Many countries which do not have fossil energy import a large of crude oil and charcoals from another country like Venezuela and Saudi Arabia to fulfil energy necessity. Finally, alternative energy is never ending energy which is available for a hundred years or even forever.  
  
On the other hand, there is a reason why the alternative source of energy should not be government priority because renewable energy did not produce a large amount of energy instead of fossil energy. For example, energy resources like a solar panel or windmill only produce a little of electricity rather than power station which rely on charcoal or gas. In many countries, alternative energy still contributes a little percentage of total energy necessary.  
  
In conclusions, I agree if government spend more money and time to focus on alternative energy because alternative energy is a solution for energy in the future. For a recommendation, I would suggest government and academician help each other to conduct more research in renewable energy.
Hi Yonathan, let me give some advice, perhaps useful for you.  
  
1.Recently, many politicians and academician discuss about renewable energy ...  
2. ... sound promising to overcome the scarcity of fossil energy.  
3.Secondly, alternative energy is a solution for ... Many countries which do not have fossil energy import a large of crude oil and charcoals from another country like Venezuela and Saudi Arabia to fulfil energy necessity. ----> the second sentence must be connected and support with the sentence before.This sentence it called supporting sentence  
  
4.For example, alternative energy such as ~~solar panel, windmill~~ , and geothermal are natural resources ----> solar panel and windmill is not alternative energy.but the device for produce energy from alternative energy.
Hi Yonathan.  
let me give you some advice..  
  
Many alternative ~~energies~~ energy such as the wind... (introduction should contain about your opinition, whether agree or disagree towards that issue)  
  
Firstly, alternative energy relies on natural resources ... (you can make additional explaination about this statement before turning to the example)  
  
In conclusions, I agree if the government spends more money and time to focus ....  
  
Good Job.  
I hope it is helpful..
Hi Yonathan, I believe you must've read a few writing projects that answered the prompt and I believe that a healthy comparison will not hurt and this will provide you with the most hands on idea on how to approach your essay and this will definitely help you in creating a good and rather a well rounded essay.  
  
- not be in the government  
- of energy instead ~~of~~it produced fossil energy.  
- ~~of~~ electricity rather than power station ...  
- a little percentage of the total energy necessary.  
  
- In conclusions, I agree if the government  
- For a recommendation, I would suggest that the government  
  
There you have it Yonathan, I hope the above remarks helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, very minor details should not be neglected in writing sentences and for this particular essay, it's the linking verbs and a few words that may not be the right format, however, they are the right words to complete the sentence and convey your message.
Writing Task 2 : The Advantages and Disadvantages of children to begin learning a foreign language  
  
***Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary schools rather than secondary school.  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
In today's modern world, foreign language is one of important competency that plays role in both academic purpose and job. Young age around student in primary school is the best time to learn new knowledge, such as foreign language. Learning foreign language at early age also has some benefits and drawback. I believe that the benefits are much more compared the drawbacks. In this essay, I will discuss about both of the views.  
  
Learning foreign language at early age has several benefits. Firstly, children can receive the language easily and capacity their memory effective than other age so children have great opportunity to learn foreign language. Secondly, children around that age have ability to learn foreign language without accent, they can speak with the right pronunciation and copy it completely. Finally, it can prepare the best foundation to children's future, because nowadays, foreign language is the same place with mathematics, science and social.  
  
On the other hand, learning foreign language at early age also has several drawbacks. The main drawback is children can miss the part of character building. At primary school, children should focus in building character and developing their personality because at this age is crucial time to build their character. Another issue is that children may confused to use their mother tongue language because at the same time they learn other language so they usually are not confident to communicate. Other drawbacks are children do not understand their own native language perfectly, it means that children may communicate with foreign language more fluently than their own mother tongue language.  
  
In conclusion, learning foreign language at early age can give benefits and drawbacks to children. I believe that the benefits teaching foreign language in primary school apparently outweigh the drawbacks.
Hi Sari,  
I have some advice for you  
  
- Learning foreign language at **the** early age has several benefits.  
- Firstly, children can receive the language easily and **the** capacity **of** their memory **more** effective than **the** other age so children have **a** great opportunity to ...  
  
- Secondly, children around that age have **the** ability to learn ...  
- learning foreign language at **the** early age also ...  
- children should focus ~~in~~**on** building character and ...  
  
Hope it helps :)
Hi Sari, below is my take on the last two paragraphs of the essay.  
  
- On the other hand, learning a foreign language  
- at an early age ~~also~~ has several drawbacks.  
- The main drawback is that, children can  
- children should focus in building a character  
- at this age, it is crucial ~~time~~ to build their character. - Another issue is that children may get confused  
- ~~to use~~with their mother ~~tongue~~ language - because ~~at the same time~~ they learn  
- ~~other~~a second language so  
- Other drawback~~s are~~is that children do  
- than their own ~~mother tongue~~ language.  
  
- In conclusion, learning a foreign language  
- at an early age can  
- ~~give~~provide benefits and drawbacks to children.  
- I believe that the benefits in teaching foreign  
  
There you have it Sari, overall, the essay is pointing in all the right directions, it answers the prompt and you have the points to be considered in manifesting those ideas into a readable and easily comprehensible essay.