dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Your paraphrasing is way off base. It isn't an accurate representation of the original theme and reasons that support the discussion. Your own thesis statement in response to the question is confusing and fails to make a clear point or deliver an understandable opinion. Refer to this specific comparison in reference to the error.  
  
OQ: Is this a positive or negative trend?  
Response: I believe that the pervasiveness of this issue confers many societal and personal benefits, albeit some considerable repercussions.  
Proper Response: This situation lends itself to drawbacks due to certain reasons.  
  
Do not create complicated sentence presentations by stringing together Intellectual sounding words that do not make sense to the native English speaker. Rather than improving the LR, C&C, and GRA score, such a presentation can result in a failing overall score. This is due the stress of trying to understand what you are trying to say, the use of unnatural sounding words, and confusion with regards to the clarity of your thought process. You are trying too hard to make a good impression in a negative way. This task has to be written in an academic but conversational tone. That means, you should use everyday conversational English words to make your point.  
  
The reason that this essay will fail though, is because of your failure to give a clear singular opinion in relation to the topic, accompanied by 2 supporting reasons in individual paragraphs.
**Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?**  
  
## Workplace gender discrimination?

  
  
It is undeniable that each gender has fairly distinctive competence and personalities which lead to disproportion between male and female in some cases. Therefore, some hold the opinion that women or men should be banned from certain jobs owing to their gender. From my point of view, I believe that it is a wrong action.  
  
It would be an disadvantageous change to establish a law that excludes males or females from certain jobs. Not to mention the fact of having no positive influences, it can also be harmful to global economic growth. That one gender is not entitled to participate in a certain profession means that prospective candidates of the prohibited gender have no chance to unlock their full potential talents, and their abilities, in other words, are undeservedly wasted. Moreover, gender discrimination in labour market could result in gender inequality in other areas. Once gender-specific jobs appear, some courses may also restrict their participants to only one gender; hence, neither females nor males have rights to access an all-round education.  
  
Another reason is that everybody should be at liberty to pursue their career, regardless of their gender. The fact that the world is getting more globalised comes along with the proliferation of gender equality; the mentioned viewpoint, thus, has no place in a modern and cultured society. When the capability of a person can be cultivated and improved overtime, that one gender is adept at a job considered to be more suitable for the other is not a rarity. Take a common example for this practice, while cooking normally constitutes a women's fort (strength), there are many world-famous male chefs, namely Gordan Ramsay as well as Graham Elliot, two powerful judges of Master Chef.  
  
To sum up, I am convinced that it would be unfair for people to be discriminated against purely on grounds of their gender in the recruitment process particularly and other areas generally.
Kindly remember that you have 40 minutes to complete this discussion with as little errors as possible. You have written more than 300 words, without proof-reading and editing the essay for clarity. These errors will pull down your final score due to the inability of your essay to clearly represent your thoughts and opinion in certain instances.  
  
For starters, you are to restate the prompt topic without adding information or stating the topic as a fact in your representation. Since you are not asked of the opinion provided in the statement is true or false, there is no need to say something is undeniable. You just have to say that it is a common opinion. There is a difference between stating a common opinion and stating something as fact. The former is required in the presentation and the latter, is going to lower your TA score since that is not information included in the original presentation.  
  
Learn the when to use "an" and "a" in the presentation. If the word succeeding it starts with a vowel, then use "an". If it is a consonant, use "a" (e.g. It would be A disadvantageous change...)
## IELTS Writing Task 1: Bar chart - global sales

  
  
**The chart below gives information about global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video.**  
  
The bar graph illustrates the change of sales of 3 entertainment categories worldwide in billion dollars from 2000 to 2003.  
  
Overall, it is obvious that all three types fluctuated over the period. Both games software and DVD/video saw an upward trend while the opposite was true for CDs.  
  
In 2000, the sales of games software were about 15 billion dollars, whereas the DVD/video's was about 19 billion dollars. Both were progressively increased over 3 years with the domination of DVD/video over games software over 3 years before standing at slightly over 30 billion dollars and approximately 19 billion dollars in 2003 as the aforementioned order.  
  
Starting at around 35 billion dollars, the sales of CDs dropped gradually at the beginning of the period, down to over 30 billion dollars in 2002 before stabilizing for a year.  
  
*Thank you for the feedback!*  
  
*
Try to avoid writing extra long sentences. While you think that you are writing a comprehensive paper and analytics, you actual are not. That is because of the lack of clarity in your report. Every sentence must have one idea alone so as to allow the reader to understand your content. At this rate your extra long sentences just create several GRA errors in your presentation, incompletely developed paragraph explanations, and run - on sentences. You seem to misunderstand that long sentences do not automatically equate into a complex sentence. The sentence structures tend to be problematic as you are not focused on information clarity and sentence coherence.  
  
I teach my students that proper outlining, drafting, and sentence limitations of 5 sentences within 3 paragraphs offer a better scoring potential than 4 separate paragraphs of less than 3 sentences. Those are usually the more problematic presentations due to lack of paragraph coherence and cohesiveness.  
  
I am not sure if you are willing to change your writing style to the one I teach, but my students never score less than a 7.5 using my methods. The choice is yours. I cannot continue to teach you if you do not adjust to my writing style. If you prefer to keep your current method, then please have your essays reviewed by your previous tutor. I cannot help you learn and improve your scores using someone else's writing style.
## remote learning and work

  
  
Nowadays, some people claim that remote working and online learning are becoming more and more well-liked thanks to the development of modern devices. From my perspective, while this new style of working and studying might be advantageous in some ways, I believe that it is a negative trend.  
  
There are two main reasons why I state that home-working and home-studying are beneficial to workers and students. The first one is that those who are home-based employees may not only reduce the commute time but also ease worries about traffic congestion. Therefore, they can spend much more quality time on performing their jobs and cultivate themselves intellectually. The second one is that undergraduates who attend online courses can learn at their own pace and are able to arrange their personal schedules easily and efficiently. By doing this, they may enjoy daily full-flavoured meals with their family at home, which helps them maintain a healthy balanced lifestyle.  
  
Nevertheless, it seems to me that disadvantages of tele-working and tele-education outweigh the aforementioned benefits for a number of reasons. First of all, it can be pretty costly to set up pieces of integral office equipment at home including high-end laptops, high-speed internet connection, printers and fax machines; thus, employees are unable to achieve full working progress because of the shortage of these necessary utensils. In addition, both workers and learners have no opportunities to interact directly with their colleagues and teammates, which makes them lack important social skills such as face to face communication, teamwork spirit and peer support. Besides, those working and studying at home have a tendency to sit or lie down in a chair are usually tempted into using mobile phones, playing computer games and watching videos. This could decrease their productivity and lead them to a sedentary lifestyle with many severe health problems. Last but not least, those who carry out their own duties at home are sometimes distracted by other family members or background noise; for instance, when a man is highly focused on his new financial report to submit it by the deadline, but all of a sudden, his children are crying loudly; thus, he cannot complete this report on time.  
  
In conclusion, I admit that the enlargement of engaging in remote collaboration between staff and company as well as joining online courses might bring about advantages to some extent. However, I believe that this is a change for the worse since the direct interaction of working in office and learning in class is an essential part in our daily life.
Okay, you made your point. You believe that this is a negative trend. Now, stick to that discussion for the next 2 reasoning paragraphs. One for teleworking and another for telestudies. These are the only discussion targets for this essay. You do not need to focus on the alternative discussion as you were not asked to compare and contrast the points. Rather, you are being asked solidly:  
  
*Do you think this is a positive or negative development?*  
  
That is the only response you need to successfully defend in this presentation. Oh, another tip, the reason for your position needs to be based on the reasoning provided. What is the reason provided?  
  
*This is because the computer technology is more and more easily accessible and cheaper.*  
  
So for your reasoning, focus on the negative or computer technology, in relation to teleworking and learning. Even if, as the reason provides, it is easily accessible and much cheaper than actually going in to the office. While your discussion reasons are acceptable, it doesn't really relate to the provided discussion point regarding computers, not modern gadgets as you previously indicated.  
  
Though your reasons are acceptable, and the examiner may accept these reasons, you could have done better in defending the reasons. Develop the convincing reasons and supporting examples for your reasons. Don't just keep mentioning reasons with only a single sentence representing an explanation. That does not provide a valid, coherent, and cohesive defense for your reasons.
You forgot to include the prompt for this essay. I assume that this is for the extended essay discussion right? I really would have been able to better help you if I knew what the discussion parameters were. Anyway. I believe that I can still help you, in a general form, with this presentation. I would like to call your attention to the discussion presentation as you currently have it.  
  
You said that the topic has both positive and negative aspects. While I am clear on the negative aspects, I believe you did not really fulfill the positive discussion presentation. What you consider the positive aspect of the discussion was nothing more than a historical look at the development of communication and news dissemination through the various web incarnations. As such, you only informed about the progress of digital communication, but not the positive aspects of this practice.  
  
There is also this reference in the presentation that, due to inappropriate sentence formation, left you with a hanging sentence rather than a complete thought. What exactly were you trying to say when you wrote:  
  
From there, ...according to Facebook - Cambridge Analytica scandal.  
The source of the information should come before the actual information. That way you do not seem like you presented one set of information, then another set, albeit incompletely.
## three purposes of how water is consumed

  
  
The pie chart illustrates 3 different purposes of how water is consumed in different parts of the world.  
Overall, the proportion of water used for agriculture in South America, Africa, Central Asia and SouthEast Asia, while in North America and Europe, the largest segment belongs to industrial use.  
  
In areas such as south America, Africa, South East Asia and Central Asia, agricultural use takes up over 80% of the total. Using water for domestic use and industrial use makes up only around 10% or below, except South America regarding domestic use.  
  
Water consumption for industry keeps the top rank, accounting for approximately 50%, in North America and Europe, followed by agricultural use which takes a third of the pie chart. They consume a small amount of water, 15% of the total, for domestic use.
How many pie charts were involved? Each pie chart, since you refer to it in plural form, covered a different aspect of measurement. Each pie chart should therefore, be described in relation to the information it represents and the trend for each chart image. It is the inaccuracy of your summary overview, as well short descriptions in the body paragraphs (3 sentences are a must to meet the minimum word count), that has led to your under writing of text in the presentation. With only 134 words presented, you will receive penalties for not meeting the 150 minimum word count. Thus ensuring that your presentation will not meet the minimum passing standards for the task 1 test.
## Children should begin learning a foreign language at primary schools

  
  
There has been a tendency that many children should be introduced to a second language at elementary schools instead of middle schools. While there are both advantages and disadvantages associated with this topic, I think the positive aspects take precedence over the drawbacks.  
  
On the one hand, it is obvious that there are a number of significant disadvantages in relation to this phenomenon. One of the most evident drawbacks is that exposing a new language to children during the early stage of life is overwhelming and negatively affects their mental development. Young pupils may find struggling to absorb a great deal of vocabulary and grammar that considerably interfere with the development of their native tongues; consequently, children may end up speaking both languages poorly. A recent research conducted by a group of educationists indicated that more than 32% of participants who were bilingual had experienced some mental problems in their childhood because of high frequency of switching different languages. Another negative aspect of children's exposure to a foreign language in elementary education is putting an extra burden on them. They have to deal with a massive amount of academic work at schools, and it would be much more stressful in case that they have to study an extra language at the same time.  
  
On the other hand, I think that the positively far reaching impacts outnumber the risks involved. To begin with, it is undoubted that it will be easier for students to unlock a new language at primary schools rather than middle schools. Children's brains are highly receptive at an early age that helps them easily acquire a new language in a natural way. Additionally, kids are not afraid of making mistakes and are able to confidently communicate with people. Another significant benefit is that starting to learn a second language at a young age allows children to achieve a higher level of proficiency. Children are likely to master the new language as they have more time to get accustomed to it. Consequently, this opens up many windows of opportunity to them.  
  
In conclusion, although there are some potential drawbacks regarding adding a foreign language in the curriculums of primary schools instead of those of secondary schools, I think that there are a plethora of advantages that outweigh the negative aspects.
The Task 2 essay requires you to clearly express your opinion, with a valid explanation within 40 minutes. That means, you can write no more than 290 words for the task. There is absolutely no way you can write an almost 400 word essay in such a short time span. Sure you can type fast and provide seven reasons in one paragraph. The question is, did you meet the rubic scoring requirements that do not take note of the length of your essay when scoring your work. Exactly.  
  
The shorter the essay, 275-290would be ideal, the less mistakes you will make for each scoring consideration. In this case, the LR problems and constant use of paragraph fillers, meant to lengthen the essay but not really help increase the quality of writing and clarity of discussion are what makes me believe your work will encounter several scoring problems in an actual test.  
  
You do not need to present all the reasons in the world in your paragraphs if you cannot accurately maintain the explanation development in each paragraph. Your presentations are long, but little developed. It creates confusion for the reader. specially since your reasons do not connect with one another in the paragraph. There is a lack of transitioning skill between discussion which affect the C&C in the presentation. These errors are the biggest problem you have in your writing. Just use one reason and fully explain that. It will get you a better score than using 3 reasons, with very little valid or convincing explanations included.  
  
Always remember the score is based on opinion clarity, not word count. Long essays will ensure a failing test result majority of the time.
## Motivational Letter

  
  
Dear Sir/Madam,  
The 2004 Aceh Tsunami destroyed almost all parts of Banda Aceh City with only a portion of the houses and buildings remaining. The earthquake that shook with a magnitude of 9.1 SR and with a tsunami as high as 16 m has caused more than 200,000 casualties ranging from being hit by buildings to being swept away by the tsunami currents. This disaster has also cut off transportation access from one area to another so that in that year people were forced to use rafts to travel. Awakening from a nightmare 16 years ago, Banda Aceh is now slowly growing into a better city to live in by rebuilding various public facilities that support the city's economy and progress.  
  
Transportation is the most important part that continues to be planned and developed in support of community mobility. Having 2 state universities that are the best in their fields, this city has a strong attraction for students from 23 districts in Aceh and also from outside Aceh to come and study so many of them then use private vehicles to go to campus. The high level of car and motorcycle ownership is the main factor causing congestion on the city's main roads.  
  
Based on my experience studying in the Civil Engineering undergraduate program in the field of transportation, I find that the transportation system that is supported by good facilities and infrastructure is one of the factors supporting the progress of a region. To overcome the various impacts that have arisen, road network development is an important option. The alternative choice of road network development solutions must selectively choose its location. One of the current strategic options is the Banda Aceh outer ring road. It is hoped that the Outer Ring Road will divert the flow continuously not through the city center, thereby reducing the possibility of delays in the center of Banda Aceh.  
  
Through this master program, I will explore more knowledge to know deeper about transportation and development. About planning a transportation system that is efficient and based on sustainable development this is the reason I chose to major in Sustainable Mobility Management at the Technical University of Berlin. This department offers theory and practice that provides students both a conceptual understanding and the skills needed to tackle practical problems, covering the needs of strategy development, analysis and implantation, complex decision-making and project management. In addition, Berlin, which is also the capital and the largest city with a sophisticated and well-planned transportation system, is the perfect reason to be able to study there. With my enhanced skill and knowledge, I would like to be able to give more ideas and contributions in improving transportation system and performance whether as a researcher along with being a lecturer, or by working or being an employee in state-owned corporation so that transportation system in the future will go to be better bit by bit.  
  
Sincerely yours.
The presentation is not as effective as it should be. It is almost as if you are writing this motivational letter not based on the suggested discussion topics, but rather, the AAS scholarship response essay guidelines. This does not look like any DAAD useful essay due to the information that is mostly irrelevant to the discussion. Your motivational letter should focus on several topics of importance such as:  
  
1. Your professional goal and how you these studies will help you advance your career  
2. Any leadership experience you have had within the community or on the job  
3. Your academic accomplishments and professional traits that make you a candidate of the program  
4. Why studying in Germany will be beneficial to you on a personal, academic, and professional level.  
  
When you consider the guidelines for writing the motivational letter and compare it with what you have written, you should easily understand why you will have to write a totally new motivational letter. You need to develop one based on the actual information requirements of the DAAD.