dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Television should be used to instruct people rather than to entertain them

  
  
There are different opinions regarding the purpose of Television. Although some might think otherwise, I strongly believe that television can be used to entertain them. In the following paragraphs, I will explain the detailed and logical reasons for my opinion.  
  
To begin with, television should be used to entertain people to help them refresh. Contemporary society has made huge leaps in technology, amassing a wealth of information. Such overabundance sources overburden people with different kinds of complicated takes. For this reason, people get stress a lot and they need to solve their stress. Even though there might be other ways to get rid of stress, we cannot deny that television is the most effective and cheapest method to help people get refreshed. According to the research conducted by SS University, people answered that the most priority solution to remove their concerns was watching entertaining programs on TV at home after works. Indeed, watching drama and movies on TV makes people feel comfortable and forget about worries on daily life, with no need for money. If TV only has function of instruction, people would get more stress, which might lead to serious health problems. Therefore, it is safe to say that TV had better use for entertaining people.  
  
On top of that, by watching entertaining programs, people can build up relationship with others. In fact, there are a variety of entertaining programs such as drama, reality shows and this is the primary conversation topic among people. While talking to the episode of drama people can feel intimacy even with unknown people, because entertaining programs does not require any specific knowledge so it is easy to share and keep talking to. For this example, I will refer to my case. I often watched educational program because it delivered useful information and I enjoyed it. However, most of my coworkers liked watching the drama and they shared the story during break time at work. I could not follow the story and I easily felt isolated. I ended up watching the drama instead of educational program and I became closer to my peers. My case typically shows how entertaining program creates a huge impact on people's relationships in society.  
  
To sum up, for these reasons mention above, television is needed to be used to entertain people. This is because it makes people feel refreshed and because people can increase relationship in society.
Your essay has problems mostly with word usage. Though your thoughts are clear, you should be using other words aside from refresh in relation to how people use television as a form of stress relief. Refresh just doesn't feel like the right word to be using throughout the second paragraph. Relax, de-stress, unwind, these are the more natural sounding words that could have helped bring more clarity to your presentation and also, show a good range of American English vocabulary.  
  
Try to avoid presenting research material in your essay as well. Just as with the IELTS test, the TOEFL would like to know how you feel, what you know about the topic provided, and how well you can explain yourself, based on commonly known information or your personal opinion, based on your opinion of the given topic. Your essay is good, you know enough personally to defend your stance. There was no need to use the reference material in the discussion.  
  
Your essay is clear. Although there are some problematic sentences and improper word usage, it did not impede the understanding of your thoughts. However, you should not go over 275-290 words for this presentation. 398 words would be unrealistic in the test setting because you need to review and correct your essay and that, will take time. So write less but clearly. You don't need to have an extensive explanation, you just need a clear, understandable explanation. Don't overdo things. That's when mistakes happen.  
  
Errors:  
  
Helping verb form:  
... people would get more... - people will...  
  
Comma usage between clauses:  
... specific knowledge, so  
  
These are some of the simple errors that you would have caught if you did not focus so much on writing and redirected the time usage towards perfecting the grammar and content presentation.
**Question:  
## Many people are travelling to other countries.

  
*Why? Is it a positive or a negative development?***  
  
**Answer:**  
Over the recent decades, offshore travelling has become a prevalent practice due to a variety of benefits in modern society. These are first examined in this essay before potential impacts of this trend are discussed.  
  
Young people on their international trips frequently can either acquire practical experiences or further fulfil their job requirements. In fact, post-secondary students often defer their tertiary study for a gap year travelling to other countries. The pursuit is believed to help them cultivate a more well-rounded mind by both meeting different types of people and encountering various practical situations, thus gaining better human-resource management skills. These are demonstrated imperative in dealing with social loafing at workspace. Besides, by getting accustomed to cultural diversity at early age, they seem to excel in corporative tasks in their career prospects as global cooperation is more prevailing. This is especially significant as global teamwork requires not only personal competence but also the eagerness of youth.  
  
However, there are certain risks if foreigners visit an overseas destination without appropriate knowledge on its norms. First, violating belief systems of a religion possibly leads to social ostracism or even physical conflicts. These are predictable since most easterners believe in a higher consciousness while many visitors from western cultures are atheists. Therefore, they should be sufficiently prepared with necessary information before approved with a visiting visa. Also, one might argue that travelling in formative age could results in hard-wired stereotypes if youngsters suffer from fraudulent activities during their journeys, such as robberies, batteries, or just tourism scams. Many research reports imply that the misunderstanding is likely inducing racism and discrimination which have aleady been rampant in the western world.  
  
In conclusion, although international travel comes at a cost, the returns are still highly justifiable. It could be more plausible if travellers are provided reasonable precautions on cultural differences.  
  
-----  
*Please evaluate my essay and feel free to provide any further comments. Thank you so much!  
  
\* Some of the exemplifications in the essay do not belong to any real evidence.*
So, you wrote a wonderful essay. The problem? It doesn't deliver the prompt requirements because you did not properly outline the essay in the first paragraph. Aside from paraphrasing the original topic, you were supposed to respond directly to the questions:  
  
- Why?  
- Is this a positive or negative development?  
  
You were being asked a general question that required a general, not focused discussion. The focused discussion you created, in relation to students spending time overseas, is the first error in this essay. The second error, pertains to your continued failure to respond to the other question, is this a positive or negative development? It does not have anything to do with the preparation of travelers in relation to their travel. You also never said if you saw this as a positive or negative development.  
  
Considering the actual prompt requirements, it appears that your essay deviated from the actual discussion topics required. It does not respond directly to any question asked since you changed the discussion requirements based upon your prompt paraphrase and question responses. You failed to show an ability to understand the basic discussion topic and discussion requirements of the essay. The essay does not qualify as a properly developed essay in relation to the given requirements.  
  
To be clear, there is no problem with the information that your made up for the essay. The problem, is that it did not reflect the discussion requirements of the essay. Let me show you how you could have started off this essay in the proper paraphrased format:  
  
*Citizens have been making trips to various nations. I believe that this is because travel has been made easier by border-less nations such as the European Union. Personally, I I believe that this has resulted in a non positive advancement.*  
  
From there, the second paragraph should explain how borderl-ess nations have eased the travel restrictions, allowing the travelers to go from country to country freely. Then, the last reasoning paragraph should explain why you believe that border-less travel has resulted in a negative development for travelers or the countries people travel to.  
  
The discussion format I suggested above would have resulted in a more appropriate discussion format for the essay.
It is such a wonderful essay. However, there is some suggestion to improve your essay :  
1. You have not stated the clear statement in the introduction paragraph. It might be better if you mention directly which development do you prefer and give possible reason. The clear introduction lead the reader understand what will you talking about in the whole body paragraph.  
  
2. The body paragraph should comprises ther Topic sentence as the main idea, the reason behind the issue you take, possible example (contain 5W+1H question) and the implication (future prediction)  
  
3. The conclusion, pharaphrasing from the introduction is primary needed, while you should giving your own opinion as to avoid the repetition.
***Whether or not someone achieves their aim is mostly question of luck.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
Many people deem luck to be the decisive factor to success. Personally, I partly agree with this statement as I believe that whether or not someone can accomplish their aims relies heavily on a variety of other factors.  
  
On the one hand, I accept that luck plays an important role in one's success. The presence of luck can be reflected in opportunities that people may come across during their journeys to realizing their aims. As a matter of fact, these chances can do wonders for them in several ways such as providing them with novel skills and knowledge or giving them a promotion in their jobs. In addition, luck is manifested in a person's family background. Some people are fortunate enough to be born into a wealthy family, and therefore they are provided with sufficient means that allow them to achieve their goals. Innate talents may be also regarded as a form of luck since not many people can excel in their fields and have capability to fulfill their ambitions by nature.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that other factors should be given equal considerations. Firstly, fulfilling an ambition requires an immense passion because this factor is a guarantee that people will be determined, resilient and learn to overcome every adversary and failure. Secondly, people who want to thrive need to manage their emotions properly so that they can respond to negative situations rationally rather than emotionally. Finally, without proper and sufficient social skills, people can hardly achieve their goals. This is because they may not receive any support from social surroundings and have to shoulder all responsibilities on their own, leading to exhaustion and as a result reduction in work efficiency.  
  
In conclusion, while luck can contribute to one's success to some extent, I hold the view that other subjective factors are also of vital importance.  
  
P/s: It would be really nice if you can give me a band score. Thank you for reading!
While you could partly agree with the statement, you will get score demerits because of your lack of clear opinion regarding the given topic. You see, the extent essay requires you to deliver an emotional response in relation to the degree of your support or not support for the discussion. As such, your TA score will be lower than you expected as there is a lack of clarity regarding your actual opinion based on the given discussion.  
  
You will notice that your response is flip-flopping all over the place, trying to defend both points of view, without really making a clear point. That is the lack of clarity in your discussion. What you are saying is actually "I agree, but also disagree." Does that make sense to you? Exactly. You cannot indicate an agreement with both opinions mostly because that means you do not have an opinion. A true extent essay works this way; think of what makes your agree or disagree strongly with the statement and then use 2 reasoning paragraphs to explain it. You could say:  
  
*When one considers the factors involved, one would easily see how incorrect this statement is. It is based on 2 strong reasoning factors that I hold a heavy disagreement with the discussion points presented.  
  
Those who agree with this statement indicate that... Upon personal consideration though, I tend to feel the opposite in an extreme manner because...  
  
Along with the others who disagree, we share the point of view that... This is the strongest supporting consideration for our opinion that...*  
  
Your opinion has to be clearly in support of one point of view, even if it is only to a certain extent. The format above will help you show the considerations that could make you "partly" agree with the discussion, but in the end, allows you to offer a strong singular opinion, which is the requirement for the extent essay.  
  
Your concluding paragraph should properly summarize the topic, your point of view, and the reasons for it. Your presentation doesn't do that and, it still offers an unclear point of view in the presentation.  
  
It is because of problematic first essay presentations that I do not score essays immediately. I will wait for your second essay and score you then. In, the meantime, I will be using this essay to assess your writing and comprehension abilities. No scoring, no problem section indicators, mostly because your format did not deliver the expected discussion type. I'll score you next time.
[FLOW CHART]  
## THE PROCESS OF PRODUCING FUEL FROM CORN

  
  
The diagram describes the way of producing ethanol fuel from corn. There are various steps in the process, starting with milling and ending with delivery.  
  
Firstly, the production of ethanol fuel begins with the milling of stored corn. Then, it will be added with water to be cooked for 4 hours and fermenting for 48 hours. After that, the mixture is seperated into two parts, which are solid by-product and liquid.  
  
It follows that the liquid is purified with ethanol during 5 hours to give the finished ethanol fuel. Finally, ethanol fuel wil be stored and used in the transportation.
There are 2 reasons why I cannot review your essay. The first, is that you forgot to upload the image along with the text. Our policies do not allow us to access images outside of our forum server so students who actually ask us to access images outside of this forum end up violating our forum rules and could be suspended because of it. The second reason, is that your work is under the 150 minimum word count for the Task 1 essay. As such, you would automatically get a failing score because of the percentage deductions in relation to the 50 missing words. Your work also has grammatical shortcomings which would cause additional deductions on your final score. So it would be better if I do not score this essay yet. Instead, I expect to see your next essay with the image, and meeting at least the minimum 150 word count. Let me throw you a bone here and show you some errors in your work. Just so you will be conscious of some errors you made for next time.  
  
Spelling:  
seperated - separated  
wil - will  
  
Grammar:  
Clarity Issue: It follows that the liquid is purified with ethanol ~~during~~ 5 hours - ... ethanol FOR 5 hours.  
  
Again, please remember to meet the minimum word count and upload the image next time. I look forward to completely reviewing your next task 1 essay.
***Children should not allow to watch TV.***  
## *To what extent do you agree?*

  
  
Answer:  
It is quite common for children to watch TV. Children would have a good educational show of it at different ways, but is also some that are inappropriate for children to watch.  
  
The idea of disallowing children to watch TV is the most valued as this leads to some inappropriate impressions watched, making parents forbid children to watch TV. It seems more children are getting interested in watching TV shows that are not appropriate for their age. For example, since 2016 Trans TV Channel has launched reality show that related to adult love affair, and therefore "Aku Mau Putus" program is one of the TV programs that begin to attract the attention of children broadcasted every Friday at 15:00 to 16:00. This shows how adults kissing and hug which are inappropriate for young people to watch.  
  
On the other hand, allowing the children to watch an educational TV show is the wise choice for them. This is because more and more TV programs present shows that are related to school activities, and this helps children to recall the information they have learnt at school when watching the shows. For example, since 2018 Ministry of Indonesia Education has launched a policy to make sure that schoolchildren can review their school subjects through TV, and therefore "Belajar Bersama" broadcasted every day at 16:30 to 17:30 is one of the TV channels launched to present social and scientific knowledge designed to young learners aged 7 to 12.  
  
In conclusion, a parent should sort out a good TV show for children wisely. That is the best way for them to educate themselves through good shows. Disallowing children to watch TV can be controlled by ensure them to get the appropriate impressions.
This is not a comparative discussion essay. You should familiarize yourself with the various discussion types for this test before you start writing another practice test. You see, this is an extent essay that asks you consider how strongly you support or do not support the given singular opinion. Your response should show a degree of non/support for the given discussion, which is then supported by 2 reasons in your discussion paragraphs. Since your essay does not appropriately deliver a response to the given question, and your reasoning paragraphs do not deliver the proper supporting or non-supporting discussion, your essay cannot be judged within passing score guidelines.  
  
You should show a clear response to the question in the paraphrased paragraph, then offer one supporting explanation for your opinion within 2 separate discussion topics in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Wrap up the discussion with a proper restatement of the discussion topic, your opinion, and supporting points within the concluding paraphrase. Only then will you have followed the correct discussion format for this essay,  
  
By the way, you cannot use" on the other hand" if you did not use "on the one hand" in the previous discussion. Such phrases are only acceptable in comparison discussions. So you should not be using it in a single opinion essay. Those phrases are only used in A/D essays. All other essays should not use those phrases. That is because all other essays are single opinion essay presentations. No comparisons allowed.
## The process of producing fuel from corn

  
  
The flow chart provides an overview of producing fuel from corn. There are eight main stages in the process of changing corn into ethanol. Beginning with storing corn and end with transporting ethanol fuel. Following this process, corn will be turned into ethanol by the transforming process with three steps as cooking, fermenting, and separating.  
  
First of all, the corn is stored carefully and milled after that. In the next step, water is added during the cooking step. This step takes 4 hours. At the following stage, it takes 48 hours to ferment. Then, the unfinished product is separated into two different parts. The liquid is continued to purify thereby making purifying ethanol. This step takes 5 hours to be finished. On the other way, we also have the solid by-product through the separating process.  
  
Then, ethanol fuel is stored with a special technique. The process concludes with the transporting step.
You should have provided the image along with your short descriptive essay. I need the image to be able to judge the accuracy of your description and the validity of your procedural outline. Without it, I cannot say for certain if you wrote a good essay for this task or not. Kindly remember to upload the image with your next essay. That is, if you want to get a complete and accurate review of your work.  
  
By the way, you need to brush up on your vocabulary, You need to familiarize yourself with adjectives that can help you make a more impressive written presentation of your thoughts. For example, rather than saying "two different parts", you could have shown better GRA and LR abilities by saying "two distinct parts". The more advanced vocabulary, used in a natural manner in the presentation,. can always help you increase your scoring considerations.  
  
The task 1 essay always comes in 3 paragraphs. You should have presented at 2-3 sentences more in the last line of this presentation. You could have done that if you had shortened your other paragraphs by avoiding the run-on sentences in your earlier paragraphs. Don't try to compress all the information in one paragraph. That is always the mistake that test takers make. You have to go for clarity. You need to separate the descriptions so the reader can get a better idea of what you want to say and also, why it is important to consider what you are saying. These will combine into a better C&C score for you in the end.
***Some people believe that work from home increases productivity. Others say that people should go to the office.*  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
Answer:  
Some get productivities when they stay at home, while others prefer to work from the office. While it is more acceptable due to disciplined atmosphere in the office, I believe that those stay working at home are getting more convenient.  
  
Some workers need to have a disciplined environment to be productive, making them have to work in an office. It seems more employees are getting more productive when they are given the pressure of office targets. For example, since 2014 one of the biggest graphic design companies in the world called Pentagram located in the US has instructed their employees to create logo designs for their office work. Every worker has to give their best 5 logo designs in every single day of work. This is how Pentagram designers get their productivities and build a reputation as the biggest graphic design company in the world.  
  
On the other hand, a sense of comfort at home is the reason why they can refresh the mind during work. This is because more companies give freedom of working at home for their employees to make them comfortable for works. Since Indonesian movie corporation "Creative Media" has instructed to their editor to create short movie edited from their home in 2018. Every editor has to collect their best trailer movie edited to office. Therefore, the company will evaluate and give some valuable feedback on their creation to be revised without any pressure atmosphere. This is how Creative Media keeps the souls of employees in order to stay fresh.  
  
In conclusion, a worker should increase their productivities. That is the best way for them to have a disciplined environment to be more productive at work. However, people who feel comfortable in the fresh atmosphere certainly be more productive make them stay working at home.