dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi,  
I think your essay is very well-structured, as your paragraph flow is accomplished by a concrete topic sentences and supporting ideas that are logically connected.  
  
And the way you partly agree is fine, because you do give reasons why you think that way.  
  
There are only a few suggestions that I can give you, since your essay is already pretty good.  
  
I think you have some problems with conditional sentences in your essay, like:  
**... if education gave more priority ...**  
This is an hypothetical situation (well, not many schools really neglect art and humanities), so the tense in the if clause should be simple past.  
  
**..., they will not only understand...**  
  
Also, in this sentence:  
**... nowadays, ~~thus~~, students who ...**  
  
I think the word "thus" is redundant here, as "Given the fact" is already equivalent to "because".  
  
I'm also an English learner so feel free to point out any mistakes in my advice if there are.  
Good luck.
## forms of support for small businesses

  
  
**Question:  
Many small businesses are being forced to close because they are unable to compete with multinational corporations. What are the problems of this cause and how can those problems be solved?**  
  
*Essay:*  
Due to the fact that many micro domestic enterprises are hard to survive in the global market competition, they are experiencing a dire pressure to be closed down. As this phenomenon may lead to the root of many problems, poverty, the government should improve their business by providing a loan as well as conducting entrepreneurship training programs.  
  
The most immediate problem caused by stopping people to run their businesses is they will lose their livelihood. Unfortunately, it is then more often than not to them to be able to get a new job in the near future. Thus, it will weaken their purchasing power to fulfill their family's daily needs which then, in the long run, the accumulation of these problems may lead to other worse, wider problems, such as the high crime rate, low nutrition intake, and decreasing gross domestic product.  
  
Based on the aforementioned troubles, this issue should be anticipated quickly such as by lending businesspersons with a loan through national banks since one of the reasons why they are hard to compete is the lack of capital to run their business. To ease them amortizing it, the calculation of the interest should depend on their profit. Besides, the community needs workshops about entrepreneurship in order that they know how to conduct market research, calculate their profit margin, and improve both quality and the uniqueness of their products. This is because business consultants claim that 90% of business failure is caused by the management inadequacy which is shared to 48% for incompetence and 42% for inexperience.  
  
To sum up, instead of forcing entrepreneurs to stop their business that may lead to poorness, it is imperative for the authorities to empower them with not only a soft loan but also training to compete against international industries.
Opinion:  
  
I think that you do not say everything in your introduction. State that there are problems and solutions that will be discussed further.  
  
'caused by stopping people to run their businesses'  
  
The question is about why small companies lose to big companies, your body did not explain that, rather focused on what will happen to these small companies and effects of losing.  
  
Second body is good, the solutions are great, however, you do not state percentage because you do not have the data to prove your statistics.  
  
Either way, I hope you pass your IELTS.
## IELTS Writing Task 2: Discuss both View Essay

  
  
This is my essay for the topic, grateful to have any feedback.  
  
*Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.Discuss both views and give your own opinion.*  
  
Whether parents or schools should responsible for teaching child to be a helpful citizen has been widely discussed. In my opinion, they are equally important in this case.  
  
One the one hand, it is undeniable that parents should play important roles in moral education for children. Social activities are very limited to children and they have very few opportunities to interact and communicate with other grow-ups who might act as good examples to obey and respect the rules. Parents are the closest family members to kids and it is very easy for children to mocking their behaviors. Thus, they will miss an important channel to acquire what is important in life if parents refuse to help them.  
  
On the other hand, there are several reasons that we should not underestimate the functions of schools in building value system for children. Firstly, the simplest reason is that school is not only a place to teach knowledge and basic skills but also where children should learn how to be a useful person. Secondly, school is the second home for children and where they spend the time to build their early social connections. The behaviors of other kids would have a significant impact on them. Which means it is crucial that schools make sure every child obtains the proper lessons about the common value of life and society. Finally, children might believe whatever told by parents are right even it is not. Schools need to provide them with the idea about how to distinguish right from wrong systematically.  
  
The moral education for children is complex. Schools are responsible for giving them the right guidance of doing the right things and parents should also act well to be a good role model and first teachers.
Hi, I think you have addresses the requirement all parts of the question precisely but not very well. To be more specific, the sentences in your body paragraphs are not well connected. There are some irrelevant ideas to the opening statement. This would make you lose your score in CC criteria. Another problem related with CC is that there is a lack of cohesive devices (linking words) between your ideas.  
  
In GR criteria, you have to use a variety of complex sentences in order to be at least 6.0, but in your essay, I see most of your sentences are simple sentences.  
  
Make sure that you use word collocation accurately.
## taxes are benefits for everyone

  
  
**Families who send children to private school should not be required to pay taxes that support state education system. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
It is sometimes argued that it should not be obligatory for families whose children study in private schools to pay taxes which are used to maintain and improve the state education system. I completely disagree with this point of view due to its compulsion and its benefits bring to the whole society.  
  
First and foremost, it is the duty for all civils to pay taxes. Therefore, whatever kind of school the children study at does not make any difference to the task of their parents. It is in some ways the same as the money we have to spend on things such as health insurance, car insurance, and the like. Most of us rarely need to use them but we still pay them annually to prepare for all circumstances.  
  
In addition, paying education taxes will help make progress in the state education system but the quality of the whole education in the long run as well. Firstly, there will be fund to train teachers, who will then work at both private and public schools. As a result, the children can obtain better education with creative teaching measures, interesting curricula, diverse sources of knowledge. In addition, this will enhance the opportunity for poor and disabled children to go to school, which will raise the intellectual level of the whole community, create a better world for the next generations to live and work.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that all families having children going to school must pay taxes for the benefits of everyone.  
  
**I really have difficulties finding ideas for this topic. Please help me!**
*Most people have forgotten the meaning behind traditional or religious festivals, during festival periods, people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?*  
  
Answer:  
Some people argue that the underlying meanings of traditional and religious festivals are being forgotten, considering that most of us derive pleasure from enjoying holidays. While I agree that time spending for personal fulfillment should be appreciated, I do not agree that people no longer remember these festivals meaning.  
  
On the one hand, positive vibes are the end of those celebrations, but to some extent, people are using them as an excuse for instant gratifications. People tend to be not patient enough to go through all procedures due to lack of time and even more, lack of interest. These seem to be the inevitable result of demanding working lifestyle, given the advent of globalization and the booming economy. By way of illustration, during Tet, which is Vietnam traditional festival celebrating the Lunar new year, people usually go shopping for clothes, gadgets, accessories then decorate their homes. Furthermore, some even book an overseas holiday for their families, to escape from urban noises. In other words, enjoyment is our priority.  
  
Nonetheless, I disagree with the idea that people no longer remember origin meanings of celebrations. The key to any festival period is to strengthen the bonds within religious groups and families. To maintain such relationship, human beings, as known as social creatures from early ages, always hold celebrations in a variety of different ways. For example, Tet is an opportunity for family reunions. Besides a sense of nostalgia, we pray for a successful upcoming year, by traditional rituals such as making Chung cake, spring rolls and sticky rice, watching the firework display and giving lucky money to children. It is a particular aspect of festivals that make the celebration genuinely grand.  
  
In sum, although people mostly enjoy themselves during festivals, I believe that they are still aware of the spiritual value of these celebrations.  
  
302 words
Nguyen, when you write an extent essay, you need to pick a specific side to write about or, in instances when you have a reason to agree with both sides, at least have a more dominant side to have represented in the essay. As such, you cannot say that you both agree and disagree with the statement given. You have to word it in a manner that make the extent of your (dis)agreement clear to the reader. You should have created a more proper paraphrase by saying:  
  
*There is a growing belief that people are beginning to lose the meaning of traditional festivals. The new concept is that people use the festivals only for personal enjoyment. I partially agree with this statement for a number of reasons.*  
  
Since all opinion essays need to discuss only one major opinion, when discussing 2 opinions in an extent essay, a clear measured opinion needs to be presented. While the body of your discussion is supportive of the "partial" point of view, you did not properly frame your response in the paraphrase section so the essay did not become totally proper in terms of task accuracy. Wording is important in the essay. Be sure to deliver a clear response every time you are asked for one.  
  
Please remember that you are supposed to use "an" when the word after it starts with a vowel. Use the proper indefinite article in order to strengthen your sentence structure. Look out for your spelling. Do not spell English words in American English when taking the British English based IELTS test. You will end up spelling the word wrong. Examples of these in essay include the word "fulfilment" which you accidentally spelled in American English.  
  
Your paragraphs are not properly structured in the sense that you are overusing commas in every sentence, creating run-on sentences. Shorten these sentences for clarity and conciseness. Do not try to connect too many ideas in one sentence. The most proper presentation is one idea per sentence. Use 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You used only 2 sentences in your opening paragraph and only one sentence in your concluding summary. Improper formatting does not allow you to completely explain the requirements of the paragraphs. The concluding summary is incomplete and so is your opening paraphrase due to the improper content and low sentence count. This adds to the confusion while reading your essay.
## fair, unbiased judgement

  
  
Making a verdict is truly a tough thing to fufill, especially for the jury. In the practical case, for instance, in Britain and Australia, the judge panel does not have the right to get approach to the defendants' past criminal record. However, this action does not get the approval from some lawyers. From my perspective, this issue is still controversial.  
  
The reasons behind hiding the defendants' past criminal record can be seen as reasonable according to two factors. First and foremost, the practice of acknowledging the act of crime of defendant could affect the arbitrator's concept. For some reasons, it could lead the jury to a prejudice that this person used to be a criminal and they get back to the drawing board is undeniably acceptable since it could be because of their natural trait. With that misconception, to make the matter worse, the sentence given to the defendant could be severe without a proper and further investigation. Secondly, that past criminal record could make the defense less convincing and persuasive. That record has imposed an ugly impression on the defendant so that not only the jury but also the attendants would question about all the excuses and definitely give less trust on the defendant.  
  
On the other hand, the change in this pratice should be applicable thanks to these following aspects. Initially, getting access to the defendants' past criminal record could help the jury have a broaden view on that defendant to consider whether that person has a good characteristic or not based on the severity of their crime. With respect to the fairness, the defendant would not encounter with unjustified jugdement just because of some minor mistakes in the past. More importantly, with the help of past fatcs, it could open more directions in solving the case which is vital in case of they get stuck in the investigation.  
  
In conclusion, regarding all the arguments above, it is advisable that the jury should have the access to the past criminal of defendant in terms of having a fair or neutral settlement in the future without wrongful conviction  
  
*
Ngo, Let's start with the response errors that you made. For starters, you are not properly paraphrasing the given prompt. Neither are you presenting a proper response to the discussion instruction. The basic error can be seen as follows:  
  
*Original Prompt: Do you agree or disagree?  
  
Your Response: From my perspective, this issue is still controversial.*  
  
Your response should have only been either agree or disagree. Your written response does not respond to the question provided at all. In relation to that, the correct prompt paraphrase would have been similar to:  
  
*The criminal record of the accused in Britain or Australia is sealed. This is done to prevent any undue influence on the jury. Due to certain important data coming from the existing record of the accused, some legal minds are pushing for the jury to have access to this particular record before coming to a decision. I an in agreement with this belief due to several considerations.*  
  
As a single opinion essay, your dual point of view discussion is out of place. An essay is only dual discussion based if the instruction says "Discuss both points of view..." The only reference to be made in the discussion / reasoning paragraphs should only cover the reasoning that you support with ample examples as to why your opinion is the correct one. This essay will be deemed only partially responsive to the prompt, even though your TA score will fail due to an improper response to the instruction sentence.
**Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## History vs. Science and Technology

  
  
Many people that I know claim that Science and Technology are more vital than History. This issue is definitely a controversial one. I personally believe that History and Science and Technology are equally important. In this essay, I would like to outline both views.  
  
We can learn the past from History and make the improvement for our future by Science and Technology. Archaeologists visit the unknown territories to excavate the ancient objects and analyze the topographies in order to know how the ancients lived. For example, Harappan Civilization flourished 5000 years ago with its great buildings and facilities. But a thousand years later their cities were abandoned due to the droughts. From this case, we have learned how the climate change affect people' live. And with the knowledge of Science and Technology, we find the way to perfect our drainage system and manage the water supply.  
  
Another example, people use candles to light up the rooms at night in ancient times. However, candles are not safe as it may cause fires. Later, Edison has invented the lamp with his knowledge of Science and Technology. Also, we want to hold the memories for our past, so camera is invented. All these changes make our live safe and convenient.  
  
In Conclusion, History and Science and Technology are both important. They should have the same proportion at the school subjects. So students can get ideas from History and make our lives better with Science and Technology.
Amo, aside from clarity issues, the only GRA related problem I can find in this essay is the missing comma after your introductory element within the last sentence of your concluding summary. There should be a comma after the word "So" to indicate a pause for the reader who should consider the content of the statement afterwards.  
  
While your approach to this essay paraphrase is different, I would not say that it is an accurate paraphrase. That is because the prompt paraphrase should not contain the reference to the pronoun "I" when indicating the topic instructions. This is not a direct response essay so you should not be making any direct declarations in the paraphrase because you will not be able to justify your presentation. I would have presented this, in what I believe is a more appropriate presentation as follows:  
  
*There is an ongoing discussion as to whether history or Science and Technology are more marked educational topics at the moment. Both sides have valid discussion points. I have my own opinion regarding this discussion. However, it would be better if a discussion of both sides are presented before I make any personal declarations.*  
  
Using the above prompt presentation, it becomes clear that a 5 paragraph essay will be presented using 3 reasoning paragraphs. This isn't a 4 paragraph essay because you need to present the following discussion points as individual paragraphs:  
  
1. Public POV 1  
2 Public POV 2  
3. Personal Opinion  
  
Do not use the collective first pronoun "we" in the discussion because you are not discussing a personal opinion at first. The public POV should be presented using the third person pronouns instead. Secondary pronouns are indicated by: they. him, her, them. Ownership words or phrases can only be used such as "Groups that believe" or "There are some people", or even "The supporters..." Are some ownership phrases that show a clear reference to whose point of view is being discussed. The "I" pronoun should not come into play until the third reasoning paragraph. Based on these requirements, you can see why your discussion is not clear in terms of reference and how this essay can tend to confuse the reader. This is not a well written essay due to the improper use of reference pronouns.  
  
These mistakes however, are not the main reason that this essay will automatically get a failing score. You have written only 242 words. The essay is 8 words under the minimum word requirement of 250. As such deductions will be made for the missing word count and added to the other errors in your essay. This is the main reason why your work does not have a prayer of getting a passing score in an actual test setting.
Hi, as far as I know, there are some serious mistakes in your essay. I would divide them into 4 marking criteria  
1. Task Achievement: This is a discursive essay, which you are required to express your ideas in a balanced way. However, your introduction and body paragraphs did not satisfy it, it seems to me that the ideas you provided are totally irrelevant to the topic. Always remember to include the opening statement in each body paragraph, where the examiners will look as an interpretation of the whole paragraph.  
  
2. Coherence and Cohesion: You lack both of them. There are no cohesive devices (linking words) between sentences. More seriously, the entire of your essay is terribly connected.  
  
3. Grammar Range: Most of your essay is written by simple sentences. You need to use a wide range of complex sentences in order to get at least 6.0  
  
4. Lexical Resource: There are many mistakes about word collocation. Some words you used are unnatural and irrelevant to use.
**Describe one of your best artworks. How did you use your media, technique, composition, lighting, style and/or idea to make the image special?**  
  
## "Late Night in Subway"

  
  
One of my best artworks is called "Late Night in Subway". I used oil painting in this piece and smeared thick layers of paints on the canvas. I first started laying out the the shapes with my palette knife and mixing the colors that truly resembles the environment. In this case it is the R train, I use the R train all the time to go back home from school, so I mixed the colors that matches the color scheme of the R train, then eventually started forming the shapes with a thin layer of raw umber.  
  
My goal is to achieve a sense of what the New York subway would feel like when turned into a painting, and the facial expressions they have on their face after a long day, so to achieve that appearance, I started smearing thick layers of paint aggressively on the canvas using a palette knife, and a brush to control the flow and the shape to maintain the composition. The facial expression is one the most important subjects in this piece, I made sure that it stands out by adding more ruggedness in the character's face, it is to clearly emphasize the struggle and desperation of wanting to go home.  
  
Ultimately, I want to communicate to the people using the thickness of the paint and the texture of the brush strokes. I find it extremely important to showcase the details that make up this piece, it is what makes this artwork special and unique in different ways.  
  
**I feel like my sentences are not to convincing. Would appreciate in polishing or making some of my sentences stronger. THANK YOU :D**