dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## [Cambridge English IELTS 13 - Test 1]

  
  
I am practicing for the IELTS test, please help me check if I made any mistake and suggest me the grammar, the word I should use to get a high score. Thank you.  
  
The pictures illustrate the development of road access to a City Hospital from 2007 to 2010. It is immediately apparent that there are significant alterations in term of amenities and infrastructure during this period.  
  
The City Hospital is still located in the North area and surrounded by Ring Road which was integrated to City Road by means of Hospital Road having three couples of bus stops along the way in 2007. Three years later, the infrastructure experienced a considerable development in form of the road which has developed to be two roundabouts and located on each side of Hospital Road.  
  
Regarding the year 2007, there was a car park addressed to the public and hospital's employees. Subsequently, in 2010, the alteration occurred in the car park that was divided to be two parts, car park for staff and car park for the public, located in two different areas. In addition, not only were all bus stops replaced by bus station placed to the West of Hospital Road but also linked with two roundabouts.  
  
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Ingrid, the essay is over the minimum 150 word count but under the 4 paragraph requirement for proper scoring. Your paragraphs are also mostly 1 sentence short of the minimum 3 sentence requirement. If you want to fully utilize the scoring potential for each consideration then you must write at least 3 sentences per paragraph, present 4 paragraphs, and ensure that you do not miss out on any important information in the presentation. Grammar-wise you do not have any real problems. The sentences are coherent and mostly cohesive in presentation. So the biggest problem of your essay mostly has to do with the presentation.  
  
For the 4 paragraph essay, I often suggest that, using an image as a basis for the presentation, the student should use the following format:  
  
Par. 1 - Description summary  
Par. 2 - Description of original image  
Par. 3 - Description of new image  
Par. 4 - Merged / changes made in the new image  
  
When you describe the new image in paragraph 3, indicate what new additions were made. The improvements to the existing structure should be made in the last paragraph. By using the above format you will always write about 200 words and have the full 4 paragraph format for maximum scoring impact.
## unreasonable expenses

  
  
Advertisement is promoting people to pay money for numerous goods whether they are in need or not. While I accept that this may cause negative effects to the customers' financial status, I believe that many worse problems can come up if products are no longer advertised.  
  
On the one hand, the result of mass advertising makes people spend almost all their monthly income or long-term savings on luxury goods. That the promotions about owning expensive watches, necklaces, rings and chains appear on most social media considerably entice them to purchase such jewelry. According to a global survey in 2015, 60% women in the world answered that they always lacked money after paying for their bijou to look successful and gorgeous because of appealing advertisements.  
  
On the other hand, without any promotion, national economy will be significantly degraded and a part of citizens' life will become boring. Firstly, the revenue of almost every company will sharply fell, resulting in the national economic problems, because their products may not be known and purchased by the customers. Apple is a prime example, which has always held press conferences to promote their new gadgets before putting them on the market a few months later. Secondly, the main income, which comes from the sponsors, of almost TV channels and video makers on online platforms will disappear. Consequently, there may be no TV programs and online videos for people's entertainment demand.  
  
In conclusion, it is certainly true that the spending of some purchasers may not be reasonable due to the power of marketing, but this is by no means that people around the world will have to face with serious issues from banning advertisements.
Phuc, the main problem with your essay is the incorrect approach that you took to discussing the prompt topic. This is a simple agree or disagree essay. As such, you are required to pick only one side to discuss, develop, and support within your 4 paragraph essay. This is not a comparison essay because you are not being asked to "discuss both opinions" so you made a mistake in your discussion format. This is a single opinion essay, nothing more.  
  
Your prompt paraphrase does not respond to the given question. This is not about what you believe, it is about whether you agree or disagree with the given statement. Therefore the response expected from you is as easy as "I disagree" or "I disagree" with the discussion. The closing thesis sentence should be "... based on a few / number of reasons".  
  
The whole essay discussion does not connect with the given prompt. Your discussion is off in a different direction from the original prompt. That is why this essay cannot expect to receive a reasonable final score had this been an actual test. Familiarize yourself with the various discussion requirements for Task 2 essays and make sure you write your next essay in the correct format. There are more than enough samples at this forum for you to review to help you accomplish that.
help me with showing me my mistakes and giving me your comment!  
  
## water consumption in different areas and countries

  
  
The table gives us information about the water used in different sectors in different countries in 2003.  
On the whole, 6 countries which were France, USA, UK, China, Canada, Germany had various using-water levels. Each percentage of using water in each sector as domestic use, agriculture use and industrial use showed them. The biggest using-water level reached 50% and the smallest is only 10%.  
  
At the first metric column, Germany had the highest percentage in domestic use, at 40%. In agriculture use, it's noticeable that using water of Canada took a half which was higher than those of other countries. France was a country using the most water in industrial use, at 40%.  
  
Despite of spending a lot of water for agriculture, Canada just consumed 10% of water for domestic use and less than a fifth for industrial use. As the same, China also spent 40% for agriculture use which was the runner-up after Canada and a quarter for each of domestic use and industrial use. Besides, UK spent only one in ten for agriculture use and took the lowest position in 6 countries.  
  
thanks for reading <3  
  
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Diep, try to remember that when you write the analytical essay, you should avoid using memorized phrases such as "On the whole" and instead, use phrases that show a more personalized analysis of the situation such as "From an overall perspective" or something similar. In addition to that, please remember that when actual measurements are used in the chart, you must not use fractional references such as " a fifth" or "a quarter", and never "one in ten" because you are making the reader guess what these values are.  
  
The instruction is that you are to write a report based on the GIVEN information. GIVEN being the keyword here. That means you do not replace the information just to show off your LR skills. Stick with the program. For every actual numerical figure given, you are to present it in its original form in the essay for the sake of Accuracy (TA), Clarity (C&C), and proper referencing with punctuation marks used in a relevant manner (GRA).  
  
Regardless of these observations, you have shown a clear enough presentation of the overview summary, the facts of the chart, and the analysis of the information. You did a good enough job on this essay so that even if there are punctuation problems, such as missing commas in conjunction presentations, the essay will still manage to get at least a passing score.
I would appreciate if someone rate this TOEFL essay.  
  
**\*\*\*\*Do you agree with the following statement? In order to succeed, you should be more like others than be different from everyone else?\*\*\*\***  
  
## why individuality is important

  
  
It is undeniable that we live in a world in which all people strive to become successful in various aspects and become proud of themselves. The issue of whether in order to be a successful person, you should be more like others, or be different from them arouses much controversy among people with different backgrounds and perspectives. When it comes to me, I, at least for two reasons, go with those who believe that being different from other people rises the probability of being successful. In what follows, I make my reasons clear.  
  
The most important point to substantiate my standpoint is that to become successful, you should be able to do something valuable. Only those things are considered as valuable ones that a few people have or are able to do. To put in general words, scarcity of everything rises its value. For the purpose of illustration, take my father's experience as an example. My father has been a teacher since forty years ago. In the past, as he was the only teacher and the only literate man of our village, he received more respect from people and was considered as a successful man. In contrast, nowadays, as the teachers' number increases over time, people's respect toward my father decreases. I can conclude from this experience that in order to become successful you have to be different from others and do what they cannot.  
  
Another noteworthy point supporting this opinion is that majority people are ordinary ones, and only a few people who are better than others and different form them is considered as successful one. Basically, being successful is defined as how much you are better than others. For instance, two thousand years ago, people in Greak used to work at farmlands and knew nothing about science. At that time, Aristotle started to research about science and introduced it to people. Even though facts that Aristotle found out were nothing compared with the current knowledge of the human, but he is considered as a scholar and a successful man, because he was far better than the people lived in that time. The fact that Aristotle was different from other people led him to be assumed as a successful.  
  
According to the reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that in order to be considered as a successful person you have to be different from others, because not only does your value become more, but also being successful is defined as being exceptional and having difference from others.
Saeed, this essay can score no higher than a 2. The main reason that you cannot score better than this is that there are certain presentations in your essay that lack clarity in the presentation. In the first paragraph, you ended up trying to over explain the simple prompt, which resulted in an extremely wordy and hard to follow discussion presentation. The second paragraph indicates that the increase in number of teachers lessened the respect for your father. So what? The prompt is asking about success, whether your father is respected or not does not lessen the amount of success he has achieved as a teacher. Your father was already a success since he became educated, worked as the only teacher in your village, and did so for 40 years. Therefore, he is a success. Respect, as you discuss in your essay, has nothing to do with his success. One can be successful without being respected.  
  
Your second example is so ancient, one cannot see the value of success as you are trying to discuss in it. Don't use such old examples that require an amount of research into history before one can understand it. Don't try to show off your intellect. Show off your English prowess. Nobody cares about your knowledge of ancient history, the examiner cares about how well you can explain yourself and write in English. You even misspelled "Greek" as "Greak". That shows a clear lack of control over English words and proper spelling, which is another reason why you cannot score highly with this essay.  
  
Always stay on point with your discussion. Stick to the given topic. Do not digress as you did in this essay. Make sure to check your work before you submit. Correct all of your sentence and vocabulary mistakes to avoid further deductions in your score.
I cannot really decide on that unless I see you write a different essay with the improvements I suggested included in your presentation. At the moment, your writing level is only a 2. If you mean complexities as in the way that you use the English words, then yes, you might get a 4 if only the word usage is considered, which is not the way the essay is scored. You are scored on clarity of explanation and use of English words. Don't try to over complicate the presentations. Keep it basic, simple, and easily understood. You are not trying to write the great American novel, you are just trying to explain an opinion so don't overdo it. For now, don't aim for complexity, aim for clarity in your discussion instead. That is what will help to boost your score over everything else and all other scoring considerations.
**Help me, I was marked band 3 for this essay but i don`t know why.**  
  
## Moving from place to place not on foot

  
  
In this day and age, we are living in a world where leading a healthy life is a heated topic and often discussed. It is universally acknowledged that people are walking less than we used to do in the past. There are numerous reasons for this problem and also a few actions we can do to address it.  
  
There is a considerable number of causes to this problem. One of them must be the impacts of urbanization. Nowadays, mass transit is getting more convenient. As a result, people are using other means of transport to get to work instead of having a chinwag. Another reason is also relevant to the impact of urbanization is the lack of time. The fact is that we are working more time that we did in the past. According to VietNam general statistic office, people are spending more time at work rather than invest in personal cognitive and physical development. In addition, in urban areas, lack of open space for working out, especially for walking is also a main cause.  
  
On the other hand, there are also feasible solutions we can do to enhance this problem. One of them is that we can take walking to work as a daily basis activity. Another thing the government can do to solve the problem is to impose working hours restriction rules to every corporations. In addition, they can construct more open spaces for working out and especially for walking.  
  
In conclusion, people are walking less than they used to in the past. There are numerous reasons for this problem and also a large number of feasible alternatives we can do to address it.
I can somehow see why you received a low score:  
- You repeat the phrase "There are numerous reasons for this problem" in the opening and ending. And there are more, namely "feasible alternatives", and so on.  
  
- I dont see you really explained your point, you just simply gave reasons. For example this: "In addition, in urban areas, lack of ..." (That's the end of your second paragraph? You didnt even bother explaining it). And "In addition, they can construct ..."(the same thing as well).  
  
- Your reasons really make me confused when reading it. That entails lowering your C&C scoring component.  
- "having a chinwag"? I think you completely misunderstood the meaning of this word. Maybe you were referring to a kind of transport, but the meaning is something different ( "Britain, informal An informal conversation, usually about everyday matters; a chat, a gossip.") See?  
  
I am gonna give you an advice: Next time, rather than counting your reasons, focus on giving more details to clarify your points. In addition, properly explaining your details. You will avoid having a very low score.  
  
I hope that helps. Be sure to check your mistakes.
The main problem that I see with this essay has to do with the clarity of the discussion. You are using too many words, such as "and also", which mean the same thing so you create confusion in your statements. Either say "and" or "also", never "and also". The cohesiveness and conciseness of your paragraphs were compromised because of your unclear paragraph presentations. You make the essay too wordy just to meet the word requirement and as a boost to your LR score rather than focusing on providing a clear discussion of your reasons and supporting statements.  
  
The prompt provided is a direct question essay. This requires you to outline your discussion points as a part of the opening paraphrase. That is another reason why you scored less. You should have provided 2 connected causes and 2 possible solution within the opening paraphrase to indicate the discussion of the upcoming paragraphs.  
  
You were not very careful with your spelling either. The essay shows that you did not practice the Read, Revise, Review, Revise, Finalize practice of checking your essay before submission. Simple errors like "VietNam" create a problem for your LR score when it could have been prevented with simple editing and proof reading. You are being asked to discuss reasons, so you should be discussing 2 connected reasons in one paragraph. Use a transition sentence to connect the two topics in one paragraph presentation. The same goes for the solution. The lack of transition sentences in the paragraphs affected the GRA score for your essay.  
  
Finally, your concluding summary wasn't a proper summary of the aforementioned discussion. You were supposed to repeat the prompt, offer the causes and solutions, then close the essay in this paragraph. It was to be done in a manner similar to the prompt paraphrase. You did not accomplish that in this presentation.  
  
Based on these observations, you can see why you did not score well in this essay presentation.
## sports influence on kid's education

  
  
**Some people believe that competitive sports have a positive effect on children's education, while others believe there is no place for such sports in schools. Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.**  
  
Writing  
  
Nowadays, physical activities play as one of the most vital parts of every school's curriculum, which has drawn considerable attention from both the parents and the children. While it is often argued that competitive sports such as basketball, football or swimming should be encouraged more, others raise their objection on account of the negative effects that these sports may have on kids. This essay will discuss both points of view.  
  
It is undeniable that playing sports will boost children in terms of strength and stamina. It provides them with an opportunity to build up their muscles and serves as a form of entertainment besides heavy academic work. In order to participate in such sports competitions, infants will also have to practice under a more structural formation and strictly follow the rules, which in turn will help them sharpen their personal skills and teamwork more effectively. Furthermore, it has been proved by some scientists that children who take part in competitive sports are generally healthier, which helps them stay in a clear state of mind and therefore do better academically.  
  
On the contrary, the reasons why competitive sports should take place elsewhere outside the learning environment ought to be taken into consideration. First of all, children can grow a strong desire to win, which, as a consequence, can raise unnecessary feelings of superiority and jealousy among kids. Secondly, getting involved in championships means they have to train on a regular basis, which can lead to them neglecting their studies both in school and at home. Finally, infants competing under such a pressured environment may develop a fear of failure and disappointment, which can seriously affect their future growth.  
  
To conclude, competitive sports show both pros and cons when being held in schools. They do benefit children in physical and mental aspects; nonetheless, they are an apparent source of distraction and can bring about unwanted negative feelings. In my own point of view, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Playing sports can be extremely enjoyable and helpful, so long as kids retain the positive energy and can keep up with their studies.  
  
*Can anyone please make some comments on my essay and give an overall band score? Thanks a lot!*
Hi, here are some of my thoughts:  
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Major comments:  
Overall your task response is sound. But the way you develop things isn't perfect:  
+ In the first body paragraph, you have 3 support ideas but they are actually just 2 and they are not linked. The first is about strength and entertainment, the second is about personal skills and teamwork, the last is again about health and being smarter (health and strength are not very different).  
  
I suggest you choose just one or two of ideas and develop them fully, with examples.  
Actually, you are supposed to specifically write about competitive sports, so none of your support ideas will work. (This is a very big trap isn't it ? I could have been tricked too.)  
  
My recommendation is: Competitive games can help children get used to winning and losing(Winning is great and is worth living for, Losing is not the end as long as you don't give up, blah...)  
  
+ In the second body paragraph, you did the same thing. Should have developed them fully. How can feelings superiority and jealousy is a bad thing? Should explain further here.  
  
I suggest take the second support idea: Competitive sports can divert children from their schoolwork (because winning is an addictive thing, and kids have to train more to win more).  
  
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Trivial comments:  
+ "It provides them with an opportunity to ..." Are you sure you used "besides" correctly?  
  
Correct examples:  
I have a lot of passions besides collecting bottle caps.  
I have no other family besides my parents  
Because heavy academic work is not a form of entertainment(for most people), you might be using wrong.  
+ "On the contrary, the reasons why ..." Correct syntax but I bet that natives do not write like that. It is too long, and awkward while it could be done simply: " ..., there are reasons why sports should be played outside schools." The reader may see that you write a long sentence on purpose, and that is not helping you. It should only be long if it need to be.  
  
+ "getting involved in championships ": This expression got only 7 results on google.  
That means it is not popular and maybe the natives don't write like that. It's awkward.  
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I think you can get a 6. I'm no expert.  
Also, as I can see, you have a Vietnamese. If you write regularly, maybe we should connect and help each other.  
Good luck!