dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi everybody!  
  
I study an university in the Czech Republic and we were given a choice of three questions for our mid-term essay. I've chosen the following one: "Which facilities should receive money from local authorities?", where I put museums and public gardens in comparison. Would you be so kind and help me correct grammatical, stylistic and other mistakes? Required level of English is B2+ or C1. Thank you very much in advance!  
  
**A town dilemma: To favour history or fulfill present needs?**  
  
Although they offer divergent ways of spending leisure time, both museums and public gardens occupy their important role within the town. Financial contribution for them would be supported by numerous statements, though fair compromise is not always possible due to the lack of funds. In that case we're forced to make a decision: should we stick to historical enlightenment or fulfill needs for piece of nature and place to rest?  
  
Times when the good understanding of the closest living environment was sufficient for majority of our daily needs are irrevocably gone. Nowadays we live in the developed world that is exposed to the so called "information overload". This undoubted fact shouldn't be omitted as a key factor when deciding which public facility to fund primarily.  
  
This phenomenon is also one of the main causes why museums suffer from lack of visitors, especially inhabitants of particular town. People tend to prefer facilities where they're able to calm down, either physically or mentally, and that's not what institutions like museums offer.  
  
On the other hand, public gardens do this task very well. Yet, it is just one of their benefits among others. They also provide escape to the nature within reality of a town or city. And because they are not single purpose, one is able to choose from several activities, including sitting and observing the environment, laying under the sun, reading or having conversation.  
  
Selection of preferred institution is definitely not an easy task. However, if necessary, we should put an emphasis on needs of today's life - and they're represented much better by public gardens, who are very often established as a central place of the particular area.  
  
(Author: T. Raha)
Tad, your whole essay is just a very long introduction. It does not give the reader any information that would explain why these two places deserve to have funding from the local authorities. In fact, you have not even properly discussed the indicated prompt. Was the question you were provided only a guideline? Were you supposed to write a different essay based on a personal prompt instead? That is what you did. You did not respond to the prompt at all with your essay. You responded to a question that you gave yourself in the first paragraph. Look at this:  
  
Mid-Term Prompt: Which facilities should receive money from local authorities?  
Your Title: A town dilemma: To favour history or fulfill present needs?  
Your Prompt: should we stick to historical enlightenment or fulfill needs for piece of nature and place to rest?  
  
The last 2 prompt references were the ones you created. It obviously does not have any relationship at all to the original prompt provided for your test. This is called a prompt deviation and often results in a failing score within any essay test.  
  
Your total essay only creates an introductory statement. It does not discuss any aspect of the prompt in a proper manner. You should have directed the essay from the very beginning to discuss the original topic. For example:  
  
*Local authorities have only a limited amount of money to spend on public facilities every year. Therefore, considerations as to which facilities should receive the funds are often discussed. It is my opinion that the gardens and museums should receive most of the funding. I will explain my reasons for advocating for this idea below.*  
  
Then from there, your second paragraph should have been:  
  
*Although they offer divergent ways of spending leisure time, both museums and public gardens occupy their important role within the town. Their funding should therefore be a priority for the local government.*  
  
Build the reasoning portion of the paragraph from there. Your essay has potential but is not directed to discuss the essay prompt in a more relevant manner. That is where the problem of your essay lies. Due to the problem in the information presentation, it is useless to correct any grammar, style, or sentence structure mistakes. Once the content of the essay is inappropriate, then the whole essay fails to deliver the required elements and will eventually result in a failing score.
Thank you for your willingness to help!  
I might explained the assignment vaguely, here's the full one:  
  
Your class has attended a panel discussion on facilities which should receive money from local authorities. You have made the notes below:  
***Which facilities should receive money from local authorities?***  
- museums  
- sports centres  
- public gardens  
Some opinions expressed in the discussion:  
- "Museums aren't popular with everybody!"  
- "Sports centres mean healthier people."  
- "A town needs green spaces - parks are great for everybody."  
Write an essay discussing **TWO** of the facilities in your notes. You should **explain which facility is more important** for local authorities to give money to, **giving reasons** in support of your answer. You may, if you wish, make use of the opinions expressed in the discussion, but you should use your own words as far as possible.  
  
From my understanding, there's a requirement to select two facilities of three and compare them in terms of funding priority. So, I haven't made changes related to prompt, but I have edited the essay in order to bring more arguments.  
  
**A town dilemma: To favour history or fulfill present needs?**  
  
Although they offer divergent ways of spending leisure time, both museums and public gardens occupy their important role within the town. Financial contribution for them could be supported by numerous statements, though due to the lack of funds we're forced to make a decision: should we prefer historical enlightenment or fulfill needs for a piece of nature?  
  
Despite the fact they weren't used to be frequent on our territory, at present we're able to find a museum in almost every town. They do a good job in providing visual experience of the history, something that books don't. They also serve as a depository of valuable exhibits. Due to those reasons they would be eligible to receive appropriate funding. But are museums really the highest priority?  
  
Times when the good understanding of the closest environment was sufficient for our daily needs are undoubtedly gone. Nowadays we live in the developed world that is exposed to the so called "information overload". This phenomenon is also one of the causes why museums suffer from lack of visitors. We tend to prefer facilities that allows us to take a break.  
  
On the other hand,... And because they are not single-purpose, one is able to choose from several activities including reading or having a conversation.  
  
Selection of preferred institution is definitely not an easy task. However, if necessary, we should put an emphasis on needs of today's life - and they're represented much better by public gardens, who are very often established as a central place of the particular area.  
  
Thank you for your kind reviewing in advance!
## uk schools budget expedintures

  
  
The pie charts show the expenditure of a school in the UK in three separate years over a 20-year period.  
  
It is clear that the majority of the school budget went on teacher's salaries.By contrast,the percentage of insurance's spending steadily remained the lowest.  
  
In 1981,the cost on teachers' salaries represented 40％,than reached to 50％ in 1991,but ended up in 45％ in 2001.Overall,there was a fluctuation on the expenditure of teachers' salaries over the span of twenty years.The spending of insurance showed a rising trend throughout the 20-year period,growing from 2％ to 8％ by 2001.  
  
The cost for furniture and equipment fluctuated over the period.It stood at 15％ in 1981,declined by 10％ in 1991,finally rose to 23％ in 2001.Overall,there was an increase.In contrast,the proportion of spending on resources showed a decrease.It also fluctuated throughout the twenty years,but it strated at 15％,slightly increased by 5％ in 1991,and finally went down at 9％ in 2001.
Andrea, the participants in this forum are required to upload the original image that you were provided with for the creation of your essay. That is a rule that stands regardless of whether you are looking for content analysis or grammar correction advice for your completed essay. Without the original prompt and image, it will be difficult to accomplish the review that you are asking for. Your essay doesn't accurately follow the overview presentation at this point as there is no clear discussion topic, method of discussion, and basis for your trending statement. I could point out some more problems with your structure and discussion development, which would help to better increase your score rather than focusing only on your grammar corrections, which does not factor heavily in the considerations because that is at the very end of the scoring considerations list, but since you are asking only for grammar correction...  
  
...school budget went TO teacher's salaries.  
... percentage of insurance~~'s~~ spending ...  
... the cost OF teachers~~'~~ salaries...  
... THEN reached ~~to~~ 50％...  
The spending of insurance...  
- Insurance spending...
@Holt  
Thanks for your correction and reminder!I really appreciate your help,it is really helpful!  
I haven't posted in this forum before,so I don't think there is a big chance for finding someone who would like to help me,which is also the reason I only asked for grammar correction.I know I still have a big room for improvement so I would like to know the sructure problems you pointed out above.Here is the original stem.Thanks for your help!
Hey Andrea, of course someone will always come to help you with your essays. EF is a vibrant community composed of users and contributors whose sole aim to help one another improve their English skills in order to better prepare the members for their English qualifying tests or assist them with admission to college or higher academic learning. You will always find help here provided you do your best to help others as well. Now, I am normally limited to only giving one free advice per student but in your case, I will make a one time exception to the rule because you did not upload the image on time. This is only because you are new at the forum so I am inclined to offer extra help as a one time deal. Here is an additional assessment of your essay.  
  
Most of the work in the Task 1 essay comes in the overview presentation. What you presented is severely lacking in details which is why it will result in a lower TA score for your essay. An effective overview summary, for this type of pie chart contains the following information:  
  
1. Topic for discussion  
2. Enumeration of pertinent data  
3. Trending statement  
  
If I were to write the opening salvo for this essay it would be as follows:  
  
*Three pie charts indicating information from the years 1981, 1991, and 2001 are presented for analysis and comparison in relation to annual spending in a UK school. Whenever necessary, I will be making comparisons to the information while presenting pertinent data coming from the pie charts. What is noticeable from the initial analysis of the charts, is that most of the expenses, regardless of year, goes to paying the teachers salaries.*  
  
The above presentation accomplishes 3 things immediately:  
1. It tells the reader what the pie charts are about (assuming the reader has no access to the chart)  
2. It indicates pertinent information relevant to the upcoming discussion paragraphs  
3. it creates an outline for you, as the essayist, which allows you to present the discussion in a clear and connected manner.  
  
Overall, your presentations are informative but short. While 3 sentences is the minimum requirement for the paragraph consideration, writing the maximum of 5 sentences gives you the opportunity to show off your GRA and LR skills. In turn, an extended analytical presentation will result in a higher C&C score. My advice is, opt for a period instead of a comma in order to gain the fullest possible scoring chance in all 4 criteria per paragraph presentation.
@Holt  
Thanks for your bonus advice and examples, I really appreciate it.  
But I am still a little confused about some points,like which paragraph shuld I put the overview summary?I origially put ut it on paragraph two,which is obviously too short.  
  
The writing structure comes from a IELTS learning website,it tells people to write in four paragraphs.  
\*Introduction(paraphrase the question)  
\*Overview(the most noticeable features/trends)  
\*Details(select key information,include numbers,make comparisons)  
\*Details(select key information,include numbers,make comparisons)  
Anyway,I know you have made the exception for me,so I won't ask more.Again,I really appreciate your help.  
  
I hope I can apply your advice:)
**The expression "Never, never give up" means to keep trying and never stop working for your goals. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
## going after our goals continually

  
  
Our goals are what defines us through life. As a result, I agree with the statement "Never, never give up" that translated as we should never stop pursuing our goals through hard working. Working hard to reach our goal reveals our true identity as a hardworking person and how strong we are to reach our goals.  
  
Showing passion and endurance in our journey to reach our goals identify us as a hard working person. As a result, we can be proud of ourselves. For example, an athlete who practices months or even years to win a one-time competition defines himself as the best athlete in his field. He can claim himself a winner and show us this feature in reality. Additionally, not being tired illustrates that we value our goals which is an acclaimed personality. Therefore, people will respect us more and consider us a reliable person.  
  
At times, achieving a goal can be cumbersome. By trying hard and remaining on the track to reach our goals we can show how strong person we are. Researchers, for instance, spent many years to find out reasons behind some natural phenomenon. They do several field experiments and field observations until they could solve mysteries of life. Spending such a long time to understand reasons reveals that they are a strong person. Another good example would be Paralympic games athletes who despite their physical restrictions overcome their difficulties and stand on the winner's side in the competition.  
  
In brief, going after our goals continually is one thing that I have been agreeing to it all my life. It not only shows our passion and value for our goals but proves what a strong person we are. This is a trait that every individual should acquire it.  
  
[292]  
  
Please feel free to feedback on any aspect you think is helpful. Thank you all.
In the first paragraph, you used the term "hard-working" twice in succession. I suggest you reword the phrase to give the introduction more power.  
Additionally, you used the words "working hard" three times in the first paragraph. Although it is the main topic of the essay, it shouldn't be repetitive.  
  
The whole essay revolves around "us." Who is us? You and the reader? You and the whole world? Either clarify on that pronoun or get rid of it altogether and reword the essay in a more general frame. ex: "Showing passion and endurance in ~~our journey to~~ reaching our goals identifies us as a hard working person." -> "Passion and endurance generally show's the amplitude of one's determination." Its always better to go general instead of relating with the reader, unless you are specifically trying to emotionally influence the reader. Would you read an essay titled "how global warming affects *our* planet" or one that is titled "how global warming is detrimental to the planet." Which one is more credible?
Behzab, are you writing this essay as a response to a direct question in the IELTS test? If you are, then your response is right on the mark. Your opening statement clearly defines what the succeeding discussions will be and your opinion is implied in an understandable manner within the essay. The full essay, if considered for the direct question response, works very well in terms of justifications. You have more than enough to explain your point of view. However, I find it redundant that you discuss athletes in the second paragraph and then repeat a similar discussion by indicating paralympics i the next paragraph. It would have been better to have just discussed one or the other instead of both in order to avoid repetitions of the discussion. Personally, I would have used the paralympics discussion more because that is more admirable and related to the never give up discussion. Your concluding statement could have used more work though. Remember, the direct question is scored on the same criteria as the other task essays so you have to deliver the same requirements in this essay as well.  
  
Now, the observation I gave you has to do with the direct response part of the test. If this is for a Task 2 essay, please provide the complete prompt because the review for the Task 2 test is different from the direct response considerations.
The graph below shows the proportion of four different materials that were recycled from 1982 to 2010 in a particular country.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
## recycling rate of four different materials

  
  
The given chart depicts the information of recycling rate of four materials in a country from 1982 until 2010, in percentage.  
  
Overall, all the materials undergo rises from 1982 to 2010. Meanwhile paper & cardboard and glass containers change fluctuated, the proportion of cans and plastics always grow every year.  
  
Recycling rate of paper & cardboard and glass containers increased 5% and 10% perspectively. In 1984, paper & cardboard rised around 5% then fell again in 1990 at the same number in the first year (65%). 3 years later, this material stood at highest level (80%) compared to other materials as well as its position in other years. At the end, it peaked at 70%. Glass container, on the other hand, started the position at 50%, in 1990 this material declined 10%, then increased into 60% in 2010.  
  
on the one hand, aluminium cans and plastics climb until the last. Aluminium cans had huge percentage of increase, aroun 40%. Meanwhile plastics grew slowly every year, from 2% at first until 9% at last.  
  
Please give me comments,feed backs, and band score if possible. :)  
  
*
NIsa, I think you can score between a 4 and a 5 with this essay. The reason that I opted to score you within this range is because of the other minute considerations that the reviewer may have in scoring your essay that I might not be privy to. I found your essay to be confusing in presentation and difficult to follow in terms of the information presented. Let me focus on describing the ways that this sort of presentation can be better accomplished with your future essays.  
  
Let's start with your summary overview. While the summary and trending statement can be placed anywhere within the essay, you were right to place a semblance of it at the start of the essay. That helps to create an outline that the reader can follow as he reads your analytical essay. The problem with your presentation is that the outline was not presented, thus making the essay difficult to follow and without a reference point for the reader to refer to in instances of confusion. Your opening paraphrase could have been more specific as an overview presentation had it been worded in a manner similar to the following:  
  
*The graph below summarizes the data for recycled materials. These materials are paper & cardboard, glass containers, aluminum cans and plastics. As per discussion requirements, I will be presenting the given information based on its main features and comparison points whenever possible. The information presentation will be grouped per recycling classification. Based on the initial information, it appears that xxxx had the highest recycling rate over the given time frame.*  
  
When you describe the information you will be presenting first, the reader gets a mental picture of what to expect of the discussion and how it will be presented. By grouping the presentation into related materials with a yearly comparison, the information presented will be easier for the reader to assess and remember. There will be lesser confusion because the information is not mixed up in the paragraphs. The paragraphs you presented become confusing because you present too much unrelated information in a single paragraph.  
  
You can write up to 5 paragraphs in the essay, depending upon the needs of the illustration. Normally, it can be completed in 4 paragraphs. You just need to figure out how to batch the information presented. By the way, don't use parenthesis for information presentation because that makes it forgettable since it is implied as an optional piece of information.  
  
Aim to write at least 4 paragraphs with 5 sentences each for the essay so that you can give yourself an opportunity to fully analyze and present the information. Don't allow yourself to get overwhelmed by the information provided. Grouping the information will allow you to better analyze and present the information. When faced with multiple comparisons such as in this essay, grouping will help you lessen the possibility of confusing the reader.  
  
If you can apply the advice that I am providing you with here, you should be able to present an improved practice essay next time around. You can score up to a 5 with this essay so I do not doubt that you can do better with the next one.