dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**I would suggest that you revise your opening line.**While it is nice that you are being straightforward, I would opt for less formal (not necessarily *informal*) ways to approach the topic.  
  
For instance, I would recommend revising it into this:  
*I hope that you are doing well. I am writing to inform you that I can't make it to the theater on Friday night.*  
  
Starting your letter with a *brief* note wishing your friend well. This will enable you to have a *friendlier* approach to a seemingly monotonous letter. This is especially important when you want to reach out to a friend.  
  
**I would watch out for your usage of demonstrative pronouns as well**. As I can observe from your essay, you had a tendency to overuse or misuse this particular portion of English grammar. This is a common mistake among ESL learners therefore is forgivable.  
  
Let's look at your second paragraph. I would have instead phrased your second sentence as:  
*My boss assigned me to a business trip on the same day in Danang because the junior employees are not qualified to handle the job.*  
  
The following sentence also had a hanging line to it (incoherent and improper linkage of two separate sentences). I would revise it as well into:  
  
*This day is extremely important to the company. My boss has even guaranteed a promotion if I could seal the deal.*  
  
**What I did was separate your sentence into two different ones.** Furthermore, I had also ensured that you would opt to use a word aside from business because it was already utilized in the same paragraph. Using synonyms or similar words would be better for the overall flow of your essay because you would**avoid any form of redundancies that can lead to poorly written work.**  
  
**I would suggest applying these comments to the rest of the essay as well.** As you had committed the same mistake in your following lines.  
  
Best of luck.
[IELTS WRITING TASK 2]  
  
**Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## ways to improve and maintain public health

  
  
answer:  
  
Some people believe that increasing the number of sports amenities is the effective way to enhance public health, while other feel it has just little effect and that some imperative measures must be added. This essay will discuss both view in depth and will also state why I strongly agree that rising the number of sport facilities is an insufficient way  
  
On the one hand, it is commonly thought that sport is one of the most option to improve both physical and mental health. But rising the number of sports amenities by unintentional way is not only waste of time but also the reason which lead to some serious injuries. Moreover, it is uncontrollable for people to enjoy their life after consuming too much energy that lead to exhausted qualities of their daily activities.  
  
On the other hand, adding some imperative measures is certainly the root of having a healthy life. Some necessary factors such as balanced meal and sleep play an important role in making their life more colorful or exciting. By doing this, the government hopefully educate citizen about fundamental health awareness in terms of healthy diets, the effects of playing sports or the tricky impacts of smoking on their health. Furthermore, that increase the motivation in maintaining their sporty habits instead of some who paid for annual gym membership failed entirely after nearly one month.  
  
To sum up, I also believe that mixing between the sports facilities and some required measures is the best effective way to improve and maintain public health.
I observe that you have tried to rephrase the introduction from the question, however, the contrast would seem to be not great enough. You might adopt the range of lexicon such as expanding to replace increasing or using recreation and leisure to replace sport.  
  
For point 1, I am not sure about the argument is strong enough as you mentioned that the increasing nos of sport facilities would lead to some adverse effect.  
  
Overall, the position and article structure are clear. Cheers.
@Harrypham0109  
**I would watch out for your verb usage.** There were instances wherein you were quite confusing. To avoid this, I would opt that you look into simplifying your language. As much as complex usage of terms helps in making an essay more professional, you should always try to make it as comprehensible as you possibly can.   
  
*For instance, I would revise your first sentence as:  
While it is believed that sport amenities improve public health, there are alternatives that are more important.*  
This is a simplified version of your sentence. I would opt that you look into removing phrases that you believe do not substantially contribute to your essay. You should apply this as well to your next two paragraphs as you have encountered the same issue.  
  
Lastly, I would suggest that you add more details into your concluding paragraph. A simple sentence is insufficient to prove your point because there's no thesis and analysis to it at all.  
  
Most IELTS writing tasks involve that you maximize your space for content. You can do this through removing adjectives that do not fully contribute to your essay's flow. You can also do this through removing repetitive language.  
  
**Optimize your space as much as possible.**
I think you should try to expand your ideas to be more convincing. In body 1, you can give some examples of the dangerous consequences of sport injuries or of the reason it can be time-consuming. Please clarify the last sentence of the paragraph.  
  
There are some grammar mistakes  
verb tenses such as the reason which lead to; that increase  
But can not be used at the beginning of the sentence  
and there is a problem with last sentence of body 2, it should be instead of paying...  
Good luck!
## **THE BEST OPTION TO OFFER HELP**

  
  
***Some people prefer to help or support directly in the local community for people who need it, however, others prefer to give money to the national or international charities. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.***  
  
Sharing and spreading support to unfortunate people is a beautiful act of humans. While some individuals tend to offer their bits of help directly to the in-need, others choose to donate their money to charities. This essay will discuss each preference and give a personal statement at the end.  
  
A sense of fulfillment is the first reason why people want to support the community in person. For example, many volunteers working in nursing homes share that they find it highly rewarded to see the elderly, especially those who are not visited by relatives, enjoy their last years of life circle. The second advantage is that people can offer anything to help besides money. For instance, my classmates used to cook meals in give-away campaigns to feed poor patients during university.  
  
However, time is the main reason that keeps most individuals from offering helps themselves. As much as their desire to support the unfortunate part of society, people have to work nine to five or more to afford their family's needs and to share a smaller portion to the poor. As can be seen, there is no time available to personally spread good actions. Therefore, these people opt to entrust their money with organizations to support the community on their behalf. Take Bill Gates for instance, the chairman of Microsoft has never been free from work. Still, he is able to fight poverty in Africa by contributing ten percent of his substantial asset to international organizations.  
  
Personally, I side with those who favor funding charity foundations. I believe this method will distribute individual donations to larger scales, which means that people's support is not restricted to their own community but other areas as well.  
  
In conclusion, while providing support to the in-need gains people's a sense of accomplishment, it is less time-consuming to donate and let a charity party globally handle individual contributions.
In paragraph one remove the last two words.... replace the word "bit" to assistance directly to those in need.......This essay discusses each preference giving a.......  
  
In paragraph two ...find it highly rewarding to see.......change the word "besides" to other than.......my classmates cooked meals.......  
  
In paragraph three ....from offering personal help....As much as they desire......to support people needing help in society......to personally volunteer.....place as "s" on asset  
  
In paragraph four Personally, I favor....method allows the distribution of on a larger scale......place a period after community removing the other words.  
  
In the last paragraph ... donate allowing a charity to be a global partner.
## people obsessed with looking young - why?

  
  
**Many people try to look younger than they really are. What are the reasons for that? Is it a positive or negative development?**  
  
People, nowadays, have a strong inclination towards appearing young as compared to their real age. Factors such as social acceptance and attainment of good health can be attributed to this phenomenon. This essay intends to look at these two factors and following this look, an opinion will be discussed regarding its impact the society.  
  
To begin with, looking youthful has become a social norm in the society. This attitude has been deeply ingrained in people's minds as they are continuously bombarded with information by various marketing companies. For example, it is common to see the cosmetic advertisements of many good looking models on the television, which put great emphasis on looking young and beautiful and thus influence the minds of people. Therefore, people may want to appear young in order to meet the society's expectations and fear that they will be considered as outcasts if they donot follow such norms.  
  
Further, another reason why people want to look young is because they may want to keep themselves away from the serious health issues namely diabetes, obesity and to name but a few, that the old age brings with itself. As a result, they try to follow various fitness and health regimen to look young.  
  
Following this look at the causes, it is felt this perception of people has positive impacts on the society. An advantage worth mentioning is that people are encouraged to form good health and eating habits. In addition, appearing young can bolster the confidence among the people.  
  
In conclusion, it can be said that the social mindset and achievement of physical soundness are the reasons why people want to look younger than their real age. Also, it can be agreed that this attitude is advantageous in terms of the personal development it brings to people's l
Hello prisid  
Your writing structure for this question is easy to follow. Few minor mistakes can be spotted in the intro. "...appearing as young as", "...its impact on society"  
  
When it comes to beauty standards, Korea could be a prime example to use in your essay. Due to the popularity and similarity in standardized facial structure and skin smoothness, a Korean would hide from the public if he doesn't have a youthful and fresh look or else he's going to become the center of criticism.  
  
In paragraph 3, you could elaborate more on how fitness and diet can reverse people's aging appearance.
## Bringing Back A Lost Sense Of Community

  
  
*Topic: Today, an increasing people in cities know little their neighbors, and do not have the sense of community. What do you think are the reasons and what solutions can you suggest?*  
  
Writing:  
  
Over the past decades, urbanization has never ceased to draw public attention and provoke debates. Although, this tendency has been encouraged and developed as one of top priorities in governments 's policy, this also has engendered profoundly negative effects on relationships between city dwellers and their next door and lead to the fact that citizens barely know their neighbors. In this following essay, reasons behind this phenomenon will be discussed, along with appreciate solutions.  
  
First, at the heart of the matter is the fast pace of life. Nowadays, people are fully occupied by work for providing their family's finance and other monetary needs, that leads to the result of diminishing time spending for associating with their acquaintances and neighbors. Furthermore, due to having limited time for achieving enormous financial demands, citizen tend to focus on relationship which company with economic benefits like prioritizing time with customers, college, employers, potential investors and overlook their next door.  
  
Second, although this invisible, the invasion of exotic cultures also has added fuel to the fire. Western culture which favors privacy and individualism have made traditional concepts of family society eroded. For instance, it is common that in public place, people should keep physical distance to each other called private bubble to show their respect. Over time, this habit has evolved towards the standard that polite people should not be annoying, disturbing.  
  
To solve this problem, governments should play the active role by introducing policy which able to regulate the pace of life. For example, paid-holidays, the abolishment of long working hours can give workers more pleasure time to build rapport with their neighbors. Only when they have more free time, can they dedicate to social relations. Beside that, individuals should revive the conventional principle of family society. For example, it is by gone that people used to live their life according to the saying "better a near neighbor than a brother far-off". They are recommended to go back these days and show respect to their neighbor in term of their own interests in some cases that they need emergency assistance.  
  
In conclusion, the major causes of loose relations between neighbors in cities are the lack of time to build closed neighbor's connection and the invasion of exotic cultures which bias privacy. In order to make this problem vanished, the government's commitment and individual's compliance need to be executed as mentioned below.
@Alicia2019  
I think that your essay is impressive on its own. However, I do have a couple of suggestions regarding its technical structure and composition.  
**Firstly, I would recommend that you make your sentences have simpler structures.** What I mean by this is that *eliminating*words that make your sentences complex.  
  
For instance, *I would revise the second sentence of your first paragraph* as:  
*This tendency has been encouraged as one of the priorities of the government. Policy-makers are taught to tackle the negative effects of the lack of relationship among city dwellers and their neighbors.*  
  
Notice how I removed *redundant* words - or those words that do not add significant value to the essay's overall flow. If you have words that have similar meanings that are both encapsulated into a single sentence, I would opt to remove one of the words. This is an imperative strategy to learn especially if you are working with word counts such as in IELTS exams. This will help you know how to prioritize your thoughts and structure your sentences in accordance to what is being asked by the essay question.  
  
**Furthermore, I would also suggest that you look at sentences that you use that have insufficient or hanging thoughts.** Take a look at the first sentence of your second paragraph. This is a key example of what I mean. While these sentences are supposedly for *creative* purposes, you should bear in mind that *they also accumulate space.* I suggest that you go straight to the point.  
  
For instance, I could revise this as:  
*The fast-paced lifestyle has led to the diminished spending time given to making acquaintance with neighbors.*  
Packing all of your thoughts into one concise sentence will enable you to have substantial content without risking a particular style that you want to relay.  
  
In addition, I also suggest that you become more specific in terms of contextualizing your essay. You should be able to provide specific examples. Even if an essay is an impromptu one, think of ones that are generally known or are experienced by a lot of people. Having these canvas or template examples would help you have more content into your narration of the topic.  
  
**I also suggest that you answer this question in your conclusion:  
Why is it the government's responsibility to promote these initiatives?**  
I recommend that you apply all these comments to the rest of your essay.*Best of luck to you.*
## Cause of educated unemployed and Solution

  
  
In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can/should be done about it?  
  
Why do many smart people become jobless?  
In almost all parts of the world, the number of qualified graduates increases significantly, but many of them have no jobs yet. Personally, this shows an indication of slowing economic growth, so the best way to overcome this problem is the government should attract more investors to start up businesses in the country.  
  
The growing numbers of certified graduates who do not have works depict low prosperity, especially in the country's economy. If a country faces this situation, it will impact on the availability of employment. For example, according to a daily newspaper, Indonesia has around 700,000 graduations that still struggle to find jobs since the economic growth does not achieve the target due to lack of investment from other countries. This demonstrates how economic growth contributes to the unemployment of highly qualified scholars.  
  
However, this does not mean that it cannot be tackled. The best step that should be done by the authority to reduce unemployment is by inviting many new shareholders from abroad to open multinational companies in its own state. For instance, Dubai, the largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates, has succeeded in making international investors invest their money, so it causes an economic improvement in this country. By that, Dubai had constructed and attracted world attention through large construction projects and sports events, in particular, the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa. This leads to a decrease in the number of many highly qualified graduates without employment.  
  
To sum up, even though many people who have graduated from tertiary are still jobless, I believe that the government ought to cooperate with other investors from overseas to develop economic growth.
**Try to separate your sentence structures more.****Simplify**your structure to make it easier for the readers to comprehend. This can also be a good technique to avoid mistakes in terms of structure.  
  
For instance, I would phrase your introductory sentence as:  
*In most parts of the world, the number of qualified graduates have increased. However, many do not have jobs.*  
*What I had done is simplified the language (almost all = most) and separated your thoughts into two sentences to make it easier on the eyes*. Apply this technique to the rest of your essay.  
  
**I would also recommend that you look into reducing your usage of redundant language.**What I mean by this is that if you can avoid similar words founded in the same sentence, you should do so because it'll make your essay flow better.  
  
Let's look at your third paragraph. I would revise the third sentence as:  
*The best step to be done by authorities to reduce unemployment is to invite shareholders from abroad to open multinational companies in different states. For instance, in the largest and most populous city in the United Arab Emirates, Dubai, international investment has caused a massive economic improvement in the country.*  
  
You do not need to make mention here that investors would invest because it is a given. Eliminating these small details can optimize your essay. If you continuously do this, you can utilize the space you have for your essay better.  
  
Best of luck.
## Longer imprisonment to deter crime?

  
  
Some people believe that in order to reduce crimes, prisoners should be given longer prison sentences while some people think there are other alternative ways. Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
My answer:  
Crime is one of the main subjects of discussion among the public. There comes an argument that some people claim that prolong the period of serving prison is an efficient way to prevent crime. However, it is believed by others that there exist better solutions. In my opinion, we could promote other methods to reduce crime.  
  
Admittedly, it is plausible that some people think putting criminals in prison for a long time could drop the crime rate. Prison is a good deterrent for criminals. The limitation of freedom leads to the fear of breaking laws among people. In this situation, offenders may choose to stop committing a crime because of this tough punishment. For example, when thieves know that the penalty would be a long period sentence in prison, they might think twice before committing a crime in community. Thus, this makes it clear that giving criminals a longer prison sentences could decrease the crime rate.  
  
Although the above statement is acceptable, others still believe that different effective ways could be applied to reduce crime, and I hold this view as well. For example, reoffending is a serious issue that leads to an increasing prisoner number. Thus, reducing the number of people who return to prison by giving them a rehabilitation would be a solution to drop the crime rate. For instance, some countries require offenders to repay their community by cleaning streets or having a talk with school groups after receiving vocational training. In this situation, the probability of reoffending would be decreased and the crime rate could be controlled.  
  
In conclusion, setting a long period of prison sentences is an acceptable method to deter crime. However, I think there still have other ways, such as rehabilitation. In the future, governments need to find various methods to tackle the crime problem.
**I appreciate the structure of your essay because it is simplified.**Keep that up. Because of this, I'd like to focus more on the content rather than the composition/structure of your essay.*I have a few recommendations in mind.*  
  
**I would suggest that you include more bold facts and statistics in your essay.** While it does not have to be strictly based off of a data sheet, mentioning rough estimations can greatly contribute to your essay's overall substance. You could place this, for instance, after mentioning how longer prison sentences deter people. Make mention of a specific case wherein this has been proven to be true. If you do this, it can strengthen the arguments that you have.  
  
**You could apply this as well to your third paragraph**. You mentioned that there are countries that have this specific requirement for offenders. State specifically which countries these are to make your essay more contextualized.  
  
You might as well also be more descriptive with your essay. Say, for instance, because rehabilitation comes in many forms, you could be more specific with what you envision this to be.  
  
**It can also help if the entirety of your essay would be more based on a single case study - a country perhaps - to create a more in-depth approach to the question.**  
  
Best of luck.