dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Ibal,  
Here's my analysis of your article summary about British music experience. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- Music and history are two things that are~~deeply~~clearly, closely, directly, intimately, strongly connected. (inappropriate collocation)  
- According to the latest research, ~~music has been present in the history and precise dates come back to the prehistory.~~(confusing, I have no idea what you're talking about in this sentence. Perhaps, you can consider my alternative sentence.)music that has been presented in the history will come back to the prehistory in precise dates.  
  
- History will ~~bring out~~reveal~~some~~ various musical genres from year to year/annually . (another inappropriate collocation problem)  
- Also, culture and social of music that~~affected~~affect the history ~~and~~ have inspired ~~a plenty of~~many artists.  
- For the first time, ~~the~~ British music experiences ~~explore the history~~an exploration of the history and influences~~it~~them over the past 60 years.  
- ~~In~~At that time, ~~the~~ British held ~~the~~an exhibition that divides seven zones with ~~the~~ different genres. ~~were performed.~~  
- ~~In~~From 1945 ~~till in this day~~to this era, people provide an insight ~~into~~about how musical genres ~~were~~had been formed.  
  
As you can see, I omit most of your "the"s. Over-usage of that article would not bring any significant benefits towards your essay. Even, it would possibly drag your score down. Be more careful next time. I believe you can do that. Good luck :)
A mobile refrigerator was designed to improve vaccines storage in some part of this world where do not have any access to electricity. Vaccines which saved in same place to save food and medicine had been infected by some disease and impact to decrease quality of life. However, the concept of this invention have been announced since 1858 by Ferdinand Carre then being commercialized with the name IcyBall in 1928. The concept of this device is related to ammonia circulation but unfortunately, it is not really effective even give bad impact to human body. This because of ammonia give hugely high pressures and tend to be toxic. Mr. Grosser and his team found some better and non-toxic refrigerants to improve previous device.  
  
Source: TED
hello fauzan,,here are my feedback,,thanks  
  
Vaccines ~~which~~ saved in same place to save food ...  
However, the concept of this invention ~~have~~had been announced (...) Carre then ~~being~~ commercialized with...  
The concept of this device ~~is~~was related to ammonia circulation.~~but~~ unfortunately, it iswas not really effective even ~~give~~gave bad impact to human body.  
  
be careful of using past tense...  
you need to use collocation properly
... improve vaccines storage SYSTEM in some part of this world where ~~do not have~~ THERE IS NO any access to electricity. *Vaccines which saved in same place to save food and medicine had been infected by some disease and impact to decrease quality of life.* [Contaminated vaccine does not directly affect human quality of life, at first it really bad for health which ultimately affected human's life. this sentence need to be revised ] vaccines saved in the same fridge with medicine and food had greater possibility to be infected by some diseases then made it vulnerable to use as it negative effects on health, ultimately people's quality of live  
  
However, the concept of this invention ~~have~~ HAS been announced (...) then HAD being commercialized with...  
... but unfortunately, it ~~is~~ WAS not really effective even ~~give~~ GIVES bad impact to human body. This because of ammonia giveS hugely high pressures ...
The video tells the ways used by Taliban Armies in Pakistan to apply the brain washing for the children. The purpose of this is to provide the suicide bombers wanting to make the chaos in worldwide. Sharmeen Obaid-who is a researcher examining her work in Pakistan-explains how Taliban Armies influence the youth by conducting the brain washing method. According to her, they adopt the group of children from rural areas and force their children to hand over crudely. Then, they gather the children to be one place as school or what Sharmeen Obaid calls "A school for the suicide bombers". This school intentionally provides to prepare "the queens of jihad" that will bomb the places they consider as the enemy.  
  
The kinds of activities to do in the school are that Taliban Armies cultivate the radical doctrine. They forbid the children to do anything such as playing game, listening music, watching movie, even reading newspaper. They allow the children to recite Al-qur'an only. When someone breaks the rules, they will be killed by Taliban Army directly. The common reason of this is because the children try to resist the imperative of God. In doctrine deployed by Taliban Armies, they promise to the children when they die after killing the enemies of Islam, the God is going to prepare for them the paradise.  
  
These are the brief of the Sharmeen Obaid's interesting speech. In my perspective, whatever the paths take on it will be disaster if the destination is to kill someone. Terrorist movements like ISIS in Irak, Boko Haram in Africa or Abu Sayyaf in Asia are evidences that a religion is often abused to attack the others having the different background. Absolutely, we cannot blame that the religion is merely the lead of terrorist movements. Therefore, there are several aspects which have to consider as the other causes such as economy, politic, and culture. Moreover, the terrorists commonly justify their actions based on the doctrine of Al-qur'an. They legitimate that their mission is holy duty for sake of constructing the God empire in the world.  
  
In conclusion, all people living on the earth have the right to gain the enjoyable life. Whatever the reason reaches the destination is not approved to abuse the religion as the tool for rectifying the attitude. The terrorists sacrificing the children to explode bombs in the public sphere are obviously wrong decision.
Hi Shandy,  
  
As far as I know, most of the members in this forum who practice writing a summary only write a paragraph or two. I have no idea why you write this long paragraphs. However, I would give you some feedback anyway by focusing on your first paragraph. I hope you can follow through.  
  
- The video tells ~~the ways used by~~how Taliban Armies in Pakistan ~~to apply~~applying~~the~~brain-washing for ~~the~~ children. (first sentence doesn't need too many "the"s)  
  
- The main purpose ~~of this~~ is to ~~provide~~influence~~the suicide bombers~~their mental to become suicide bombers, so that they~~wanting~~are willing to ~~make~~create~~the~~ chaos in ~~worldwide~~around the world.(I assume that you should introduce first who are the suicide bombers rather than mentioning it directly without prior explanation)  
  
- Sharmeen Obaid~~-who~~ is a researcher who ~~examining~~examines**her**(I am confused. Who is "her"? sharmeen obaid? so, she examines her own research?) work in Pakistan. He/She explains how Taliban Armies influence the youth by conducting the brain-washing method.  
  
- According to her, they adopt the group of children from rural areas and force ~~their children~~many parents to hand over their children crudely.  
- Then, they gather the children ~~to be one place~~in a place as their school or what Sharmeen Obaid...  
- This school intentionally provides them to prepare to be "the queens of jihad" that will ~~bomb~~explode~~the~~targeted places which they consider as the enemy base .  
  
As you can see Shandy, I have made some modifications and corrections in order to help you composing a better summary next time. Hope this helps :)
This summary is extracted from an article that published by Andy Coghlan in newscientist.com. Tardigrades known as a creature which has a extreme survival skills. Recent research found that this ability resulted from resistance to radiation and caused they will keep alive even in environment where pressures six times greater than at the bottom of the deepest ocean. DNA of *Ramazzottius varieornatus*, one species of Tardigrades, are specific to protect their own DNA structure. However, scientists have tested these proteins to human kidney cells against radiation damage then the result is positive. There was a good news to heard about applications of this 'special proteins' in the distant future might protect healthy human cells from cancer treatment.
Tardigrades known as a creature which has ~~a~~AN extreme survival skills.  
... resulted from resistance to radiation ~~and caused~~ MADE they will keep alive ...  
.., one species of Tardigrades, ~~are~~ IS [uncountable noun treated as singular noun, thus it is followed by "is' not 'are' ] specific to protect ...  
... kidney cells against radiation damage ~~then the result is positive.~~ WHICH RESULTED IN POSITIVE FINDINGS. There was a good news to hear~~d~~ about applications of (...) distant future WHICH might ~~protect~~ AVOID healthy human cells ...  
  
**at all, some minor errors like in the using of article, singular/plural issue, and sentence completion in which appropriate using of conjunction needed to compose complex structure, need to be concerned**
The conflict between the Kashmiris and the Indian military has been a long conflict in South Asia. Base on the prediction, The war have been killing thousands of people since some decades. This conflict also created tension between Pakistan government and India.  
  
Based on the BBC news on 29 September, the Indian Army has launched an operation to arrest militants-expected along the border with Pakistan in Kashmir. Invasion of India has been criticized by Pakistan.  
  
Pakistan has confirmed that two of its soldiers had been killed in an exchange of fire along the Line of Control that divides the disputed region. Pakistan considers aggression of India along the border as a provocation. But India claims its operations only to hunt terrorists.  
  
Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif, criticized the Indian army's aggression. He admitted that the Pakistan military is able to prevent any evil design to undermine the sovereignty of Pakistan.  
  
Source: bbc
Hi Nousha, as I go through your essay, I must say, there is really a thin line between summarizing something that one understands and summarizing something that you are interested and if both catches your essay, then you can get assured that it is a good one.  
  
I tell you this because, this is how I see the essay, it is well managed and all the necessary details of the news, specially the critical information are depicted in the essay and this means, understanding the story is a great factor and it will help a lot in writing and re-telling the story so people can understand it the way a regular reader can.  
  
Overall, it is an insightful summary, you captured the right amount of information needed to suffice the reader to comprehend and get the message from a much complicated news. Just to share, indeed, we live in a world where, we don't really know when or where we are safe anymore, however, there is always one thing we can do, to be vigilant and be observant to the people and the environment we belong in order to avoid falling victims of such events.
On this opportunity, these data report about propositions of adolescences whom join four secondary school types in 2000 until 2009. Those secondary school are Specialist, Grammar, Voluntary-controlled and Community Schools. In numbers talk we can see Community Schools as merely school which obtain increasing statistic index with 4.8 times from 2000 with 21 per cent up to 58 per cent in 2009. In other hand with Community Schools, Voluntary-controlled has had biggest take a nosedive in that graphic with decrease almost in 30 per cent with first data in 2000. Not only Voluntary-controlled Schools has had decreasing proposition of adolescences attending but also in other two school types had. In the fact that Grammar School are decreasing their students more than half in proposition in 2000 to 2009 from 24 amount to 12 per cent. But the smallest decreasing goes to Specialist Schools with merely one per cent almost per five years.  
  
*
HI Alfa7  
  
you have a good writing but I would like to tell you some things to improve your writing skill  
  
it is much better if your opening is changed to be more attractive to be read, such us the presented table gives information about ......  
next, you may avoid some repetitions and replace it by synonym word or collocation. such as, decreasing and increasing that you always repeat. it will be better you use, rise, rocket, bomb, decline, etc  
  
in addition, as far as I concern, writing 1 must consist of 150 words, it mush much better to write at least 170 words to avoid the words that may be did not count by examiner  
  
Best wishes
Hi Alfa, right of the bat mind the words you incorporate in your essay, just like your title, I know it's just a typo error and this is why, proof reading your essay before submission is very helpful.  
  
Having said that, below are my thoughts for the rest of the analysis;  
  
- ~~On this opportunity, these~~The data report - ~~about~~presents a proposition~~s~~  
- of ~~adolescences whom~~adolescents who  
- ~~In numbers talk we~~According to the data, we can see Community Schools  
- ~~In~~On other hand, with Community Schools,  
- Voluntary-controlled schools has  
- had the biggest take,  
  
- In the fact,~~that~~ Grammar School  
- ~~But~~However, the smallest  
- one per cent for almost ~~per~~ five years.  
  
There you have it Alfa, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and for future writing reference, mind the linking verbs, they are crucial in creating a complete sentence.
This essay will discuss about how to start movement in public area and it is delivered by derek sivers. He explained with a video which shows about one person stood with annoying gestures. After that, slowly one person follow him to dance in that area. In the beginning there is no one follow his movement until almost all of tourist following that gestures. It is noticeable that, leadership is not as long as needed for mobilize other people.  
  
On the other hand, there are several tourists which do not makes any move because they think it is annoying movements. Indirectly, it is makes amongst people join with this event to express their feeling and finally with a little crazy on a leadership from one person makes people start to movements.
Hi ryan31  
I have some advice for you  
  
- This essay will discuss ~~about~~ how to start **[a]** movement....  
- In the beginning**[,]** there is no one follow his movement....  
- ....leadership is not as long as needed for ~~mobilize~~**mobilizing** other people.  
- ... tourists which do not make~~s~~ any move....  
- Indirectly, it ~~is~~ makes amongst people join...  
  
Thankyou  
Hope this will be helpful :)
Hi Riandi, please find additional help from my end;  
  
- This summary essay will discuss  
- about how to start a movement  
- in a public area  
- and it is delivered by D erek S ivers.  
- He explained it with a video that~~which~~ shows  
- ~~about~~ one person ~~stood~~standing with annoying gestures.  
- After that, ~~slowly~~ one person slowly follow  
- In the beginning ~~there is no one follow~~nobody followed his movement until almost  
- all ~~of~~ tourist ~~following~~followed that gesture~~s~~ .  
- leadership is not ~~as long as~~necessarily needed ~~for~~to mobilize other people.  
  
There you have it Riandi, as always, I have left the last paragraph for you to be able to practice editing it yourself and following through the above remarks and suggestions. For future writing reference, mind your linking verbs, try to be comfortable writing and including them in your sentences, this verbs help a lot in creating a complete sentence.
Australopithecus well-known as The Taung Child found in 1924 revolutioned our view of human origins. It provided as human evolved in Africa, not Eurasia as previously thought. Recently, a fossilised bee's nest reveals an insight into original place in which that early human lived more 3 million years ago. It precisely thought that Taung Child was unearthed in the remains of small cavern as the rocks containing the skull appear similiar to cave-formed limestones.  
  
According to Philip Hopley from University of London, all other south African hominis come from cave sediment formed within a ilk of limestones, Precambrian. And he said that the Taung Child was preserved at approximately 2,8 million-years-old surface soil.  
  
The conclution said that it raises hope of future fossil discoveries at Taung. The search for more hominin fossis has focused on the immediate area around where the Taung Chid was found, because of the assumption that the fossil formed in a relatively small limestone chamber.  
  
**source: newscientist.com/article/2107441-ancient-bee-fossil-reveals-secrets-of-human-ancestors-habitat/**
Hi Alamsyah Ismail  
I have some advice for you  
  
- ...The Taung Child found in 1924 ~~revolutioned~~**revolutionized** our view of human origins.  
- ...the remains of [**the**] small cavern as the rocks containing the skull...  
- ...all other south African ~~hominis~~**hominids** come from cave sediment formed within ~~a~~**an** ilk of limestones, Precambrian  
- The ~~conclution~~**conclusion** said that it raises hope of future fossil...  
- The search for more hominin ~~fossis~~**fossils** has focused on...  
  
Thankyou  
Hope this will be helpful :)
Hi Nura, as I was going through your summary essay, I must say you did a well managed essay that definitely covered all the necessary points to convey the message of the discovery as well as as the vital information are properly placed in a logical order.  
  
Though, there are a few modifications to be done as you can see from the above suggestions, however, minor, this remarks are very important in enhancing the essay and make it stronger.  
  
For the last paragraph, conclution - is spelled conclusion , you see, as minor as spelling mistakes can create a negative note on your essay so be sure to turn on your spell checker at all times and for future writing reference, make sure that you practice writing more and reading will also help in expanding your vocabulary so read on.
**The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Most people believe that electronic devices have downsides for individual in their relation. i completely disagree with this assumption, because on my own perspective electronic upsides of devices should be considered.  
  
On the other hand, i agree that using electronic media can affect personal relationships. For example people tend to play with their mobile phone and ignore surrounding. As a result, it makes far much closer, closer keep far. They might communicate each others rather than be individual person. Most people failed to keep up with their environment because of it.  
  
Teenagers and parents, for instance often be the victims of this situation.  
  
Nevertheless, i realize that other considerations are just as important as what electronic has crucial part in communication.Firstly, some people make lots of friends on social networking site, for example they might have more relationship regarding to their job. indirectly they can help their closer friend because they have many comrade. Secondly, people can keep in touch regularly using electronic media, long distance is no longer as long as technology provides the way. Finally, these people still use this device in order to their relation because they need to communicate each other even though they are in different area.  
  
in conclusion, i am convinced that electronic media is useful according to positive rather than negative effects in personal relation.
hello gian  
I interested to read your task  
I have some suggestions for you  
I hope it helps**1. using "i" should be capital >> "I"  
2. avoid using subject pronoun such as their, they. maybe you can change it to be people, citizen, society.**  
Most people believes that electronic devices ...  
... upsides of devices should be considered.**<<< paragraph consist of three sentence**  
  
... electronic media can affect on personal relationships.  
  
in conclusion, i am convinced that electronic ... **<<< maybe this sentence is not necessary or join within paragraph before**  
  
thanks  
keep writing
Hi Giansy, as I was going through your essay, I believe you made a very strong point in stating your ground on the task at hand. Indeed, advanced technology has made a lot of changes to peoples lives, good ones or bad ones, it matters greatly on our lives today. It is no surprise that some of our decisions are coupled or are made with the influence of todays technology.  
  
Moreover, it also very strategic, you made sure that the ideas are in a sequential pattern and that it matters in every way it should be in the process. Now, as much as the first 3 paragraphs are so precise, the last paragraph did not really live up to it's purpose and I know we can still enhance it. Having said that, please find the suggestions below;  
  
- in conclusion, ~~i am convinced that~~I believe electronic media is useful, it has a better positive side~~according to positive rather~~ than negative effects ~~in personal relation~~to people and the lives we live today .  
  
There you have it Giansy, I hope the above remarks are helpful and even more so, valuable in your revision.
The table describes how five different countries spent the expenditure in 2012. At first glance it is evident that all five countries including Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden, and Turkey dominantly expended for Food, Drink & Tobacco rather than Clothing/Footwearspo. Therefore, Leisure/Education lied on the lowest percentage at all.  
  
Turning first to the five nations, Turkey had the highest use of Food, Drink & Tobacco at 32.14%, whereas the least rate of its use belonged to Sweden at 15.77%. In contrast to this, the remaining for Clothing/Footwear all countries used it up only under 10%. The largest percentage of its expenditure was Italy at 9.00% while the smallest value was Sweden at 5.40%.  
  
Interestingly, none countries paid out for Leisure/Education above 5%. Turkey which was at the highest proportion in this figure only stood at 4.35%. Next, Sweden and Italy used its trends just over 3%. While Ireland and Spain were just over and under 2%.  
  
*
Hi Ucha, I believe this is the first time I'm going to review your writing project / analysis and as always, here in EF, we aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback that will help you out in enhancing your article. Having said that, please find additional help below;  
  
- The table describes ~~how~~the expenditure of five different countries  
- ~~spent the expenditure~~ in 2012.  
- At ~~first~~a glance it  
- and Turkey dominantly ~~expended~~spent money for Food,  
- rather than Clothing/Footwear~~spo~~ .  
- ~~Therefore,~~ Leisure/Education lied on the  
- lowest percentage ~~at all~~ .  
  
- Turning ~~first~~ to the five nations,  
- least rate ~~of its use~~ belonged to Sweden at 15.77%.  
- ~~In contrast to this~~On the contrary ( contrast - is for colors / contrary - is for ideas ) ,  
- the remaining were for Clothing/Footwear  
  
- Interestingly, none of the countries paid  
- Turkey ~~which was at~~with the highest  
  
There you have it Ucha, I believe the analysis is accurate to the given information in the table and what I observed is that, you are good in keeping a uniform form of measurement and making sure they are all observed throughout the analysis.