dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## development correlation with environmental issues

  
  
*"Pollution and other environmental problems are resulting from the way that many countries are developing and becoming richer. Some think this cannot be avoided. To what extent do you agree or disagree?" (min 250 world)*  
  
In the modern world pollution is a relevant issue that affect both environment and our health. The issue has been largely debated among civilized countries since it is always has been linked to the industrial development. Indeed, some people believe that this is an unavoidable consequence of progress.  
  
On the one hand, it is certainly true that pollution historically increased in countries that have experienced a growth. For instance, the 18th century Industrial Revolution in Europe was remembered not only for the increase of average population income but also for the increase of breathing deseas due to air pollution. Looking at more recent example, China has experienced a double-digit growth in last years but in parallel it has been considered the primary responsible for the ozon hole in the second millenium.  
  
Nevertheless, it is important to not forget what innovation has done for improving the condition of polluted air, water and soil. Indeed, if it is possible now to drive an electric car, to have biodegradable materials or to produce energy with wind it is only thanks to the development in richer countries. Therefore, there are now some countries, such as Norway or Finland, that could be considered among the richest of the world but that register low levels of pollution.  
  
All in all, I believe that even if the past development was always correlated with increasing environmental issues, now it is possible to put in place some actions to this. However, this will be possible only with collaboration among countries already developed and developing countries: the former should made available new technologies to the latter.  
  
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It will be helpful if you could provide some feedback regarding grammar, essay accuracy and coherence, vocabulary variety, etc.  
  
Many thanks,  
  
S
Sil, I will not score you for your work on this essay at this time. The reason that I cannot score your essay is because you have not properly responded to the prompt question. This is an extent essay. That means you need to use emotional connotations for your response stemming from a range of emotional measurements like "strongly, weakly, partially, totally, moderately" and other descriptive words that you can attach to "agree or disagree". What you did in this essay is, you introduced a topic that included that isn't in the original prompt (health) and then you introduced a thesis statement that did not provide an extent singular opinion, which is what this sort of essay requires. If you decided to present a sentiment that mentioned the term "partially", then you could have done a 2 personal 2 opinion discussion. In this current form though, the essay is in prompt deviation mode. That means, you are not discussing the original prompt in the manner indicated. This will either receive a partial score which is not passing, or a full failing score because of it. That is why I do not want to score this essay. I want to give you another chance, using another topic for discussion but using the same discussion instruction, written properly, to present to me for scoring.
## everyone should stay at school until 18. Agree?

  
  
On the one hand, there are some reasons why young people should not leave school before the age of 18. First, they might be armed with sufficient knowledge and necessary qualifications. For example, those who have not graduated high school yet and want to find a job offering a high salary whose chances would be less than those who had graduated tertiary education, let alone those having a bachelor degree. Therefore owning a high school's degree would help young people have some advantages in the job market being increasingly competitive. Second, at the of under 18, teenagers still have not a particular plan for their future, so leaving school too early will affect their job prospects. For instance, when some youngsters drop out school to pursue their favorite job, there is no guarantee that their preferences would not chance after one or two years later. Thus, decisions which could affect the future of youngsters should be instructed and consulted by their teachers, especially in the period of high school years.
Hi trifecta,  
  
is this a Essay for IELTS/TOEFL? If you provide us the purpose it will be easier to help you.  
  
Anyway, some suggestions:  
  
- It seems strange to me to begin with "on the one hand"; you should add an introduction to your essay something like "School obligation is a topic frequently debated [...] some people believe that [...] others claims that [...]  
  
- If it is an TOEFL/IELTS essay it should be divided in paragraphs (ideally 3/4 of which one for introduction and one for conclusion - and in the conclusion you should clearly state your opinion (e.g., I believe that ....)  
  
- More generally sometimes it is not easy to understand how sentences are linked, making difficult the reading  
  
- The are some grammatical error, for example:  
teenagers still have not --> still not have  
chance --> change
## PRISON IS THE BEST PUNISHMENT FOR CRIMINALS

  
  
Nowadays, the crime is quickly increasing around of us. So, to prevent it, the government always sentence criminals with long time in prison. Is it effective ??? The crime is still increasing. Today, we will discuss about "prison is the best punishment for criminals", demand my opinion for this.  
  
I think that the prison is a good punishment for some criminals, but not all. Because of having a lot of crime, such as: assault, rob, murder, rapist,.... When they are in prison together, they will be effective together. For example, a murder and robber are a room, and murder can be affective robber about character, behavior,... and then when robber release out the prison, he can become murder.  
  
Rate crime increase at young age. They are young and do not understand about their behavior, such as: assault someone but not serious or rob something but it is not very expensive,... we can not give them in the prison, because if we do that, their future life can be bad, they can change behavior and the think of way about the world and become dangerous men. Instead of giving them prison, they can help us. We can giving them community service center, they can help a lot of people and change thinking about the world, live better.  
  
To conclude, prison is a good punishment for criminals but not all. Every one thinks prison can be able rehabilitate crime. Not sure, it can prevent a while but not prevent forever. So, with every criminal, we have different punishment. To help them expiate their crime and prison is the last solution.
What is the purpose of you posting this? Do you want writing feedback or grammar review? What was the prompt and what style of response are you trying to give?  
  
At any rate, there are a variety of grammatic errors...here are a few:  
  
-Nowadays, ~~the~~ crime is ...  
-government always sentences...  
-~~The c~~Crime is still increasing...  
-Today, ***we*** will discuss ..., demand ***my*** opinion for this. **Not congruent**  
-I think that ~~the prison~~ incarceration is a good punishment...  
-..., they will be *effective together* (**I believe you're trying to say that they affect each other?**).  
-For example, a murderer and robber are **IN** a room, ~~and~~ the murderer can ~~be~~ ~~affective~~  affect the robber's ~~about~~ character, behavior....  
  
There are a number of other errors, but be sure to post what the purpose of your post is as to better help other members reviewing your work.
**PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES IS A WASTE OF TIME. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO PLAY THEM.**  
Do you agree or disagree with the statement? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.  
  
Currently, there is an ongoing discourse on whether children playing computer games is inherently a bad thing or not, and should the parents allow them to do so. In my humble opinion, the idea of kids playing on computers should not be dismissed as a complete waste of time, and one could certainly think of it in a positive way.  
  
To begin with, I am convinced that every single individual, children included, has the right to spend their free time the way they want, be it drawing, playing sports, musical instrument or even having fun with PC games. Therefore, I must say, that completely depriving youngsters of the enjoyment related to their favorite computer games is simply too strict and undeserved. In addition, using this dogmatic style reasoning, one can declare countless numbers of activities to be 'a waste of time', just because he does not find them interesting or useful. Why should be watching baseball on TV thought of as a less of a waste of time than playing games on a computer? Just let people have their time off, during which they can do what pleases them the most.  
  
Secondly, PC gaming can be entertaining while providing great amount of educational value at the same time. There are numerous types of games that enhance and challenge players' skills in terms of logical, strategic, or verbal reasoning. For instance, when I was in the elementary school, some of the English lessons took place in a computer lab, where we were technically just playing computer games. However, they were designed in such a way, that playing them resulted in us learning new vocabulary or grammar concepts. The fact is, there are dozens businesses built just around providing educational software to kids all ages!  
  
Thirdly, children interacting with modern technologies, even in the form of computer games arguably helps them growing up in today's heavily informatized society. Being exposed to the IT at such young age makes computer related work at later stages of life relatively easier, especially in comparison to the previous generations, who encountered digital media late in their lives.  
  
To sum up, I do not think of computer games as a waste of time and I caution against forbidding children from them. Mainly because I respect kids' right to have them as a hobby, recognize various educational forms that games may take, and also acknowledge their role in exposing youngsters to the modern technologies which are essential in the 21st century.
Martin, there are two mistakes that you made in this essay response. The first mistake, is that you beat around the bush so much in your opening paraphrase that you completely forgot to give a direct response to the prompt. A more appropriate presentation for your response would have been as follows:  
  
*There is a question as to whether children do not appropriately use their time when they play video games. That is why some people believe that children should be prevented from undertaking the said activity. In this essay, I will discuss my disagreement with this point of view using information coming from my personal point of view.*  
  
An additional problem with your opening statement is that you altered the original prompt, causing you discuss a prompt deviation in the last paragraph of the essay when you stated,  
  
and one could certainly think of it in a positive way.  
Since this is an unwarranted, meaning unrequired opinion in the essay, it created a change in discussion points, which would have a lowering effect on your overall score in an actual test.  
  
The second mistake that you made was that you did not create a summary conclusion of information for your statement in the last paragraph. Instead, you continued to discuss the topic, even touching on the prompt deviation in some instances in the closing paragraph. This created an open ended rather than concluded discussion of the topic with the latter being the preferred presentation for this particular paragraph.  
  
What did you do right then? You discussed the essay from a single point of view that used personal knowledge and experience to strengthen your presentation. That was required of your written work and you managed to deliver that in the 3 body paragraphs. Next time, pay closer attention to your opening and closing presentations. Make sure that you provide the required elements in these sections in order to increase your scoring consideration.
@martmaye  
  
Currently, there is an ongoing discourse ...  
**awkward sentence end OR sentence fragment (unsure)**  
  
Second paragraph: Thoroughly develop and explain ideas. Don't just move on from one idea to the next. Take your time to explain it.  
  
When starting paragraphs it's alright to state that you're going into your next idea, but try to use more fluid transitions such as "Which leads us to ..." -> begin next paragraph; Or, begin the next paragraph with a bold statement about the idea which hooks readers into your writing.  
  
Don't feel as if you are restricted to the five paragraph format. Make your writing organic and free flowing. It can be set up into a number of sub topics which you discuss or even four paragraphs if you feel like it! It's possible to condense the fourth paragraph and conclusion into one paragraph.
IELTS WRITING  
  
## problem solutions

  
  
*Topic: Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
What other measures do you think might be effective?*  
  
Incresing the petrol's cost is a good way to reduce traffic and pollution problems, but I believe that it is not the best way and we need more other measures to better resolve these problems.  
  
I agree that raising the petrol's price is a good choice because of two reasons. Firstly, it will increase travelling expenses, led to decrease travelling demands and frequency. Secondly, higher price will make input cost of businesses more expensive, especially within manufacturing companies, so they have to switch to other cheaper and cleaner kinds of power. Both of these two benifits would help to reduce polluted air, one of the most reason causing pollution problems. However, it is not the best way because we can not permanently reduce price and travelling is an essential need, unable to be continuously limited. Therefore, we need more other effective measures as well as the ways to combine different methods.  
  
There are two other ways we can consider. On the one hand, studying and applying new powers, such as electric power or solar power, both called recyled energies. By using those, we could devide new and modern means of transportations, like tramcars or electric bikes. On the other hand, we should combine more different methods at the same time. For example, parallel to promulgate new regulations, limiting the number of personal cars or bikes each citizen can own, we need to develop more public transportation facilities to adapt gradually increasing needs for going around. Beside, authorities should strongly fine behaviours causing pollution, say littering.  
  
In conclusion, beside the way of increasing the price of petrol, we should apply many others measures to better resolve the ascending traffic and pollution problems.
Dung, this is an extent essay. So you need to provide a response that has an emotional extent to your disagreement to the proposed discussion. Saying, "I am strongly in disagreement" would have been the more appropriate response to the question which, by the way, you neglected to respond to in your opening statement because your whole essay focused only on the measures to be taken, aside from raising the price of gasoline, in the essay. You also showed a lack of grammar control as you misspelled certain words in your essay such as "Incresing" (Increasing). That will definitely be a mark down in your LR score. If you can't spell it, then you should not use the word. This is not the time to guess how to spell an English word. If need be, use only simple English words to express yourself. You will be scored accordingly. Don't try to use words that you do not know how to spell or perhaps, are unsure of the proper definition of the word because those are the 2 mistakes that can cost you the most in terms of points deductions. At this point though, this essay will not pass in an actual test setting anyway since your response was tangential. That means, you did not totally respond to the question. Instead, you focused only on one part of a 2 part discussion essay.
Please help me imrpove my essay. Thanks so much  
  
Topic: *Whether or not someone achieves their aims is mostly by a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## luck factor in the goals achievement

  
  
It is argued that the attainment of goals is often determined by the factor of fortune. However, I believe that this is only true in few circumstances, and in other cases, people's success is mostly dependent on continued effort and determination.  
  
On the one hand, it is sometimes undeniable that luck is the main factor in attaining a goal. In this case, success can be achieved easily without much effort and hard work, which often means that it does not last long and it also has little value in enabling one to reach his or her full potential. For instance, my cousin was the only child born in a wealthy business family which has strong business relationships with other giant corporations in Vietnam. As a result, he has effortlessly become a very successful entrepreneur from a very young age thanks to the great financial assistance and business networks from his parents. Unfortunately, his family and he lost all their property and money in the economic downturn last year, forcing him to work as a normal employee since he has not possessed any real skills or abilities to start all over again. Having grown too dependent on luck has left the former rich man with a mediocre life.  
  
On the other hand, it is obvious that in most cases success are attributed to perseverance and great effort rather than the factor of luck. The simple reason is that on the way to achieving one's goals, people have to go through a great deal of obstacles. Therefore, without persistence and adequate attempts, one is more likely to lose heart and give up after facing just a few failures. Take Steve Job, a co-founder of Apple corporation, as an example. Although this great man had to deal with plenty of difficulties throughout his life, he managed to overcome them all with his dedication and constant effort to come up with the first smartphone which gained him a reputation as one of the most successful businessmen and inventors. Undoubtedly, his achievements have proved that success favors those who persist and work hard rather than those who depend on luck.  
  
In conclusion, while it is true that the luck factor can greatly contribute to the achievement of goals, I believe that other factors are of more importance.
Lưỡng, this essay does not follow the prompt discussion indications. This is a single opinion "extent" essay. It is not a comparison point of view discussion. Based on your misunderstanding of the prompt instructions, you will only get a partial score for the TA section, which will result in a failing grade overall, even if the remaining 3 scoring considerations are given an average score. Unless the essay specifically indicates, "Discuss both points of view", the essays are always written in a single point of view format. This is an emotional extent essay whose response, as part of the thesis sentence should have been something along the lines of:  
  
I strongly...  
I partially...  
I half heartedly...  
  
The above descriptors are only some of the possible emotional extent responses you could have used. A complete listing of these emotional responses can be found using an online search. I urge you to get familiar with the terms you can use in your next extent essay.  
  
I believe that you are still unfamiliar with the various writing styles meant for various IELTS opinion essay discussions. It would be in your best interest to first familiarize yourself with the writing styles and how to execute the instructions before you proceed with any more practice tests. There are countless IELTS Task 2 essays posted here at EF that you can learn from. Read them and learn from the advice given to those who took the test before you. That is the best way for you to learn how to respond to the essay questions at this point.
## the danger of contemporary amenities and luxuries

  
  
Science has transformed the life of humans, without it we cannot imagine a convenient life because new technology has become an integral part of life but it does not mean totally depends on devices and amenities of contemporary life. For example, smartphone, auto- driving the car and much other online stuff such as shopping, cab, movie tickets, healthcare etc. all these devices and conveniences of contemporary life are detrimental for self -development, individuality. we cannot always rely on such tools and devices otherwise it is diminish the natural abilities like decision making, brainstorming, health etc. In this era, overuse of luxuries like air -conditioners and automobile dominating natural cycle of nature, so we have problems like climate change and global warming are occurring, two issues are ponderable otherwise it is the main hazard for mankind in self -development. Therefore, I agree with this claim and I will explain my position by discussing some points.  
  
To begin with this, opulence and amenities of contemporary life makes the people lazy. Many people use it in excess to avoid the walking, bargaining, brainstorming. But, all these abilities play a significant role in self development and independent individuals. For instance in online shopping, customers purchasing by websites and all these online platform deliver the product at home since it is convenient process but, if we talk about the role of these platforms in self development will be zero. However if we need good marketing skills then it is very important to go for shopping in the market. In other words, if you doing shopping from online market then it obstructs the basic abilities of marketing and face to face communication between customer and shopkeeper.  
  
Similarly, we have been proceeding for artificial intelligence. In this system most of the things will be automatic such as cars, robots etc. all these stuff replace the human being, hence all acquired skills are waste and many people are suffering from an unemployment. Likewise in the future, no one wants to learn basic proficiency of life, therefore, the result will be people always rely on contemporary technologies. It impedes the mental progress and general aptitude of life.  
  
Finally, farmers of contemporary life are more depends on chemical fertilizers and pesticides for good production of crops but these type of temporary solutions are hazardous for mankind and nature. When anybody unhealthy then it is impossible to self -developed and independent individuals.  
  
In conclusion, the opulence of modern-day impede from explore the nature and to think about self -development. Therefore, it is important to ignore the contemporary amenities and luxuries otherwise people always depend on technology and tools. Hence the luxuries and conveniences of contemporary life prevent people from developing into truly strong individuals.