dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Sinchana, when you write an opinion essay, you score better once you take a position, or a side of the discussion and defend it accurately throughout your essay. By doing so, you allow the reviewer to see that you fully understood the prompt. In addition to that, you also gain a better chance of improving your task accuracy, As well as the Grammar Range and Accuracy portion of your scoring because you will be focused on thinking about only one side of the discussion instead of thinking about how to develop two sides of a single discussion.  
  
About the body of your essay itself. You did not properly understand the required points for discussion. Perhaps you made a mistake in noting the topic sentences which are " government should take measures on healthy lifestyle of individuals" , and "managed by each individual responsibility." , ending with ". Discuss both sides and give your opinion."  
  
What you did was offer advice instead on how individuals and the government can promote healthy lifestyles. The proper discussion action would have been to justify the reasons why individuals need to take personal responsibility for better health. Then discuss why the government needs to mandate that people take care of their health (government supported health programs are a prime example). Finally, based upon either discussion, you should have developed a supporting opinion for the side you believe is correct. As per essay instructions, when you write an opinion paper, you need to take only one side because both sides cannot be right.  
  
Do not rewrite this essay. You already failed the task. Move on to the next practice test. Remember the corrections you were given here and apply it to the next test. Do this like an actual test. You can't repeat the same essay in an actual test if you did not write it properly the first time. Failed is failed. That is the only way you can improve.
"In my view, I have a mixed opinion and believe" In my view, In my point of view and In my opinion are 3 phases that you can use to express your opinion.  
  
"Few people are conscious of their eating habits and are acknowledged to discriminate between foods based on the calorie content and nutritional quality". "Few people are of opinion" It's not so clear what you mean.  
  
In your first paragraph try to emphasize the point that every body is different.
***Hi Sichana***, I have read your writing closely. You need improvement, especially your content. In the introductory paragraph, you have explained the different topic. I think you have to analyze the statement give so that you are able to know prompts relating to the topic. As we see, the topic is problems about the healthy lifestyle, but you have pursued to the healthy food. An examiner will score lower because you missed the task responses.  
  
Turning to the first body paragraph, you reviewed the topic why the healthy is essential for each person although your job is to explain why people have a responsibility for keeping their healthy lifestyle. Honestly, you elucidated the topic widely, but you can tackle the prompt. Be careful of out the topic. I think you need accustoming for making brainstorming so that you can have a guide to help you make the flow. It is important because your score will be reduced. Keep in your mind that the task response is the primary response in the writing task 2.  
  
On the other hand, you have been out the topic in the next paragraph. You tended to offer the solution for that circumstance. You can show the solution in the conclusion if you want. However, your main job in the body paragraph is to review why the government has to take the responsibility.  
  
Hopefully, these can improve your writing. GOOD LUCK
**The gap between rich and poor is growing. What problem does this create? What can be done to tackle them?**  
  
## Lowering the financial abyss between rich and poor

  
  
With the growing population, the gap between rich people and poor people is steadily increasing. This trend could be ascribed to a few reasons, and definite actions must be taken to reduce the gap between rich and poor people.  
  
There are evident reasons as to why the gap between the high and low standard of people is rising drastically. The most prominent reason is the unavailability of education to people who are below poverty line. The focus of the world is shifting towards creating a global village which is highly beneficial for people in developing and developed countries, which doesn't have the major benefit of underdeveloped countries. Despite this, the mindset of poor people acts as a trigger for this wide differentiation as they won't understand the necessity of education and doesn't promote their offsprings to learn academics.  
  
To boost the economy of underdeveloped countries which in turn reduce the gap between richer and poorer nations, we have to devise some definitive plans. The action point should include offering basic education to everyone along with this there should be some kind of schemes for prospective students who are willing to pursue higher education. Furthermore, world organization should take measures in boosting the economy of underdeveloped countries and help them to grow financially. One such example is the act passed by United Nations in maintaining the peace and prosperity of Syria by imposing mandatory education for everyone in the country and providing financial aids.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that the aforementioned measures can create more peaceful communities and ensure the gap between rich and poor people is minimized.
Sinchana, you have a number of problems in this essay. The first, and biggest of which, is the mistaken prompt discussion. You decided to over reach with your topic discussion by discussing the gap between the rich and the poor on a global scale. I am wondering as to why you did that because the scope of the prompt is actually only on a local, national scale. That is one of the main reasons why your discussion is confusing and your prompt paraphrasing does not really reflect the correct message from the given topic. The confusing paragraphs in this essay are numerous. Let me point out one confusing sentence in paragraph 2 for you.  
  
*... highly beneficial for people in developing and developed countries, which doesn't have the major benefit of underdeveloped countries.*  
  
As a fully developed country, the people from that country do not face the same "disadvantages" as those from under developed countries. You mistakenly claimed that a developed country does not have the major benefit of underdeveloped countries. An under developed country cannot have major benefits because their overall national development is slow, compromised, and not really at par with the developed nations. So there is no way that a developed country would appreciate the "benefits" of being an under developed country.  
  
Perhaps this mistake is caused by your unfamiliarity with the English language, or a misunderstanding of the phrase meanings. Either way, The serious mistakes such as the ones above have a severe effect on your final score, you could probably get no higher than a 3 or 4 in the overall band score.
Hi Sinchana, welcome to Essay Forum. I will try offering a few corrections for finalizing your writing.  
  
In your introduction, I think you can better paraphrase a statement given. If readers see briefly, it can seem almost same. I wanna give the example.  
  
**Nowadays, increasing population brings distance widely between statuses of low and high economics.**  
For the next sentence, you presented your opinion clearly. I don't mean that you had to explain detailed because it is a contain of the body paragraph. However, you should show underline of what you give in the body paragraph.  
  
Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found relation logically between your statement "  
  
The most prominent reason is the unavailability of education to people who are below poverty line  
and its reason. Honestly, I am really puzzled for understanding that flow.  
  
doesn't have  
they won't understand  
Keep in your mind for avoiding contractions in the formal writing.  
  
In my mind, the prompt asks you for reviewing the gap generally, not to compare undeveloped and developed countries. As we know, each undeveloped country has the poor and rich family so that it is less relevant for taking that object. On the other hand, your alternative solution has focused on the undeveloped country. I only remind you that when you want to present the solution, it is based on the problem which you review in the previous statement.  
  
Hopefully, these can help you for improving your ability.  
GOOD LUCK
*In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.  
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
You should write at least 250 words.*  
  
## Trips between learning at a university

  
  
Nowadays, it's popular for teenagers to travel or to work for a year before studying into next level. Even though it is a common activity, there are some advantages and disadvantages in my point of view.  
  
First, I think young people apply a part-time job or take a trip around the world or in domestic. It is a great chance for these people to learn the experience before stepping into a society, and to be independent without their parents' help. For example, I had a job when I was 18. I was a home teacher to educate some children of neighbors. It was the first time I realize that how challenged is to communicate with a child. They were annoying and non-well disciplined. After I finished this job, I was admired those child educators. I also appreciated how my parents are patient to teach me.  
  
On the other hand, there are some concerns that should be considered carefully. The safety,the expense, and the difficulty of a travel, and the qualification,the danger, and own interest of a job are all the factors young people should think about. In the sense that young people may not have enough experience to tel a job is whether illicit or have fair treatment. Some young people are exploited by employers without being aware of or even involve in some illegal events due to the difference of each country.  
  
In short words, if someone is well-prepared and well-evaluated one's capability, to travel or to work would be a amazing experience of life for adolescents.
Ho, I believe that you can score an overall 5 in this essay. That is because you have made sufficient use of cohesive devices, delivered a somewhat coherent thought process, and responded to the task accurately using acceptable simple sentences and words. While there may be a problem with your grammar accuracy, your errors in grammar did not hinder the reader's understanding of the explanations that you delivered in every paragraph. There is a slight inaccuracy in the way that you paraphrased the prompt but the end result still contained the essence of the original discussion point so it is an acceptable enough paraphrasing of the original topic. While you did write more than the 250 words, I feel like you should have written at least three hundred words in order to have presented a more accurate summary and recap of the previously provided information in the closing paragraph.
Hello Ho  
I have some suggestions to improve your writing:  
-Check your spelling and grammar before submiting your writing, read it again carefully or use the checking of MS Word.  
-Sometimes your word choice is inaccurate or unnatural.  
common ~~activity~~  *tendency*  
 ~~learn~~ *gain/ earn* the experience  
....  
I recommend you to read more sample essay and note the way they combine words.  
-The prompt ask to suggest advantage**s** but you only mentioned one in the first body paragraph. And I do think it would be more convincible if you had offered more ideas.  
  
Good luck :D
Hi...  
I would like give you the suggestions for improve your essay  
  
First, I think young people ~~apply~~ (apply for) a part-time job or take a trip around the world or in domestic. The phrase following the intransitive verb apply seems to be missing a preposition. Consider adding one.  
  
Some young people are exploited by employers without being aware of or even involve in some illegal events due to the ~~difference of~~ (difference in) each country. It appears that of is not the right preposition to use in this context. Consider changing it.  
  
Thank you
Hi, I would like to advice you read again the topic title. as here It asks you to Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to take a break between high school and University studies. You described well the advantage but there is a lack of disadvantage of taking the break after high school in your essay, like for example, the students may not show interest anymore in higher studies, and they will end up working in the same sector and giving up on they dreams and the career.
## values of art

  
  
In the age of technology, science is thriving rapidly everyday and the incredible supports for human like computer, smartphone, robot and internet... are undeniable. However, art is still no less important when some people rate the value of art very high. Indeed, there are some affects from art to soul of human that science never can do.  
  
To begin with, music makes us feel comfortable, relieve stress, also lift our emotion, help people feel cheerful. For example, in some researches show that playing at least one musical instrument will raise our IQ up to 3 points more. On the other hand, observe skill will be developed when drawer look at the objects in order to perform it again on the art material. Beside, the distinctive way we transfer our emotion and private view to the viewers is not like any science subjects.  
  
Dance is also a form of art, dance follow the music improve condition of heart and lung, keep the body fitness, increased muscular strength, physical confident and mental functioning. Whereas, science do not have these astonishing capability to support human.  
  
In brief, science is really essential to everyday life to heighten result in work and benefit every aspect of life. However, it is true that there are some values from art inspire human that no science field can do.
Hi Truong, I am also practicing writing essay. And I found this is a great forum and a lot of talents are willing to help us. However, to have reviewer comment on the essay more accurately, it is very important to share for which exam the essay is targeting, full prompt and word limit. So please try to provide more information.  
  
One note for following sentence, you are mixing tenses, keep as present and increased as past tense.  
*dance follow the music improve condition of heart and lung, keep the body fitness, increased muscular strength*
Truong, Ethan has given a very good piece of advice regarding how to post your essays here. Without the information required for the completion of the essay, we will not know where to begin reviewing your content and what kind of advice we can offer to help you improve your written skills. While your work seems to be well developed and logical, the lack of information about the demands of the essay topic leaves me wondering about how accurately you have responded to the prompt and whether you have represented all of the expected elements of the requirements. Kindly upload the necessary instruction and topic discussion as soon as you can so that I can do a better job of reviewing and advising you regarding the points for revision in your essay.
@foyuliu  
Oh hey! Thanks you! I know, and will pay attention in the next time I post :))  
  
@Holt @foyuliu  
Thank you! This is the first time I post my essay so I still have some lack of information , so here is the full topic of my ielts writing task 2:  
  
At present, science is developing quickly, but some people still have a high opinion of artists.  
What can arts tell us of life that science cannot
Truong, you seem to have misunderstood the prompt. The reference to art that is being made in the prompt is not about the effect of music and dance on people but rather, the way that life can be interpreted through art. The reference that the topic makes is to the arts in terms of paintings, drawings, sketches, collages, etc. The arts that talk about life, not the arts that fills life. So there is misdirection of the prompt in your discussion. The clue as to how to discuss the essay came from the fact that the prompt asks you to discuss "What can arts tell us of life that science cannot". This is a reference to the way that the aforementioned types of graphic art can help people learn about the way of life of bygone era, such as 18th century artwork, or the works of the great artists such as Van Gogh, and Monet. Their paintings depicted life in a way that science can never impart to people. This is actually a trick question that tests your ability to decipher keywords and the hidden meaning behind the prompts. This is a test of your analytical skill and cultural references. While your discussion was good, I do not feel that it properly addressed the prompt because you failed to recognize the real meaning behind the implied discussion.
Hi! I am practicing on IELTS and I got this prompt  
the prompt says: **In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight  
what do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest?**  
  
## Some measures to tackle the obesity problem

  
  
In industrial society nowadays, so many children over the world are suffering from obesity and it is serious problem. There are some underlying causes that will be discussed in this essay and I will put forward some solution to tackle this situation.  
  
There are many causes connected with this problem. That the lack of physical exercise is the one cause is obvious. Children are having a tendency to have unhealthy eating habit so their favorite foods are fast food or unhealthy junk food. However, the pace of life increases, some children have to study academic subjects all day and be involved in less outdoor activities. This will result in serious health problem and have a negative influence on their health because exercise can make our body be sweaty and eliminate poison element. They have to be responsible for some ailments such as high blood pressure heart disease and especially obesity which causes health deterioration. Having abstinence is not easy because they were used to eating a lot. Also, with a big body, they will feel shame about it and become unconfident. Consequently, they do not want to communicate with anyone, which cause a serious problem about their life such as mental diseases.  
  
Taking effective measures to exercise as soon as possible can be the best solution ever. Parents should not be indifferent to gain weight of their children instead of raising their awareness of exercise. Let them know how bad sedentary lifestyle is or health risks associated with overweight. Make sure they have effective future eating habits by preventing them from unhealthy food, forcing them to eat more vegetables and drink water every day. Schools should organize more outdoor activities instead of studying all day is likely to progress rapidly in their health. This may bring a good chance to obtain a lot of real skill. They are not shamed and bout their body anymore.  
  
In conclusion, obesity is a serious problem that children have to deal with. However, if they make sure exercise to be done every day, they do not have to worry anymore.
To, for starters, you do not properly represent the requirements for the opening statement. You are required to present at least 3 sentences that will compose the outline of the essay discussion. You were not able to accomplish that task. Aside from that, the outline of your opening statement needs more work. You are supposed to present the problem, indicate that you agree that this is a serious problem, then indicate that you will be suggesting possible solutions to the problem.  
  
With regards to paragraph 2, there is a prompt deviation in the sense that you are discussing the possible outcomes of being overweight. While your discussion about having heart ailments and similar discussions apply to the prompt, you need not have presented mental illnesses and problem with communicating with others. Those are not usually associated with obesity and therefore, do not need to be presented in the essay. Assuming such factors would require you to create a longer, evidence based discussion when the essay should only be based on commonly known information regarding obesity and the possible solutions for it.  
  
Paragraph 3 has an inconsistency. What you should have said was "Parents should not be indifferent to their children's weight gain and should encourage them to exercise once they begin to gain unreasonable weight." The current sentence that you have is very confusing and does not make sense. It causes undue stress on the reader and will lower your final score in terms of grammatical accuracy.  
  
All of the problems that you essay faces have led it to create an ill effective conclusion that did not properly close the essay because it failed to follow the format requirements for an IELTS Task 2 Writing Test.
An example of the proper opening statement for this discussion would be:  
  
*The current lifestyle of the present generation of youngsters have led to an increase in obesity. This is a worldwide health problem that has been caused by a number of controllable reasons. In this essay, I will discuss the obesity problem along with its causes. Finally, I will also offer possible solutions to help solve the worldwide obesity problem of the youth.*  
  
I have to apologize but I cannot give you my email address. We have strict privacy rules at this forum and publicly sharing our email address in the discussion boards is not allowed. I am always available to assist you through this forum anyway. I am online almost 24.7 so if you need to ask a question or clarification, you are sure to get a response from me within the day. Just remember to write my name at the beginning of the thread so that I will know that you require my attention immediately.