dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**More and more people are relying on the private car as their major means of transportation.  
Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution.**  
  
## Auto addiction is detrimental to society

  
  
It is true that the private vehicle is the main method of transport by citizen. Living in the suburbs outside city center is the major problem why people prefer to choose a private car as their primary transport. Following this, the unreliable and inefficient of the public transport also support the decision to using the private car.  
  
Most people who work in the central city are live in the outside of the town. Taking a private car to reach the workplace easily is chosen because this is one of the great options which appropriate to solve this matter. However, during the rush hour, it can lead traffic jams, so that the town will not pleasant to live in. Moreover, cars will increase the pollution which harm for individual's respiratory. The government who has responsibility towards this cases, has successfully created modern public transportation which is faster and cheaper as the means of transportation.  
  
Some of the public vehicles are not reliable and efficient so the private transport still be the major choice. Furthermore, some people say that they feel like "sardines in a can" when they ride in a public transportation. According to this issue, the possible solution that can be implemented is modify the transport system to become well-designed in order to make people feel more comfortable and convenient.  
  
To conclude, staying out from the city is one of the causes in overreliance on cars. Besides, the public transportation which is not reliable and efficient for people also cause this problem.
*## WHAT SHOULD ORGANIZATIONS DO TO USE DIVERSE WORKFORCE EFFECTIVELY ?*  
  
This is NOT an IELTS-WRITING ,just an essay of my final exam. Please help me to edit it. Thank you  
Nowadays,organizations are more diverse than ever and Understand the advantages of workforce diversity helps establish an organization with a competitive edge.The key to success depends on how well organizations manage their diverse workforce.  
  
Many experts believe that establish a "Workplace diversity" is to help boost the company brand's reputaion because diversity can foster innovation and open global opportunities and connect directly to our community.Working in a diverse environment also helps increase productivity and improve perfomance.Due to these remarkable advantages,organizations should manage their diverse workforce efficiently.  
  
Firstly,It is very important for managers to understand both the discrimination laws and the penalties for violating employees in order to reduce the numbers of conflicts and behavior issues.For example,creating a fair and comfortable work environment for disabled employees is important in a diversified workplace.  
  
Secondly,every company should hold more diversity training so as to help employees learn to deal with challenges and limit the barriers of religion and culture.Suitable company policies and appropriate training help build acceptance and respect among a well-diversified employee body.  
  
Thirdly,another important factor when it comes to succesful diverse workforce management is communication.It is wise to allow the workforce to contribute their own innovative ideas and equally award without gender,religion discernment;this not only makes the staff members feel valued,but it can also provide a lot of useful ideas that the company can benefit from.  
  
To conclude,organizations that manage a diverse workforce benefit most and bring out the best of an individual's unique skills, creativity, experience and knowledge. Successful management reflects positively on a company and encourage customers and prospective customers to establish long-term relationships.
Minh, your essay requires more than simple grammar editing. The content is also poor and lacking in substance. Aside from your presentation of topic sentences and examples, you do not really build up a believable supporting reason for your topic sentences. Even though this is not an IELTS test, the guidelines remain the same because you are still writing an academic essay and thus, needs to be properly supported as an opinion or research paper. As with any academic paper, it is always better if you open each paragraph with a topic sentence rather than a word count method.  
  
There is no need to count out your paragraphs because it does not help to move the essay forward. It is nothing but a word filler meant to help you meet whatever the word count is for this academic essay. The use of topic sentences to open any paragraph clearly shows a command of the topic and a confidence in your writing skills. The confidence in your writing skills are not clearly seen in this essay either as your paragraphs are too short to portray any real discussion knowledge on your part. Longer paragraphs with properly explained topic sentences could have helped to elevate the writing level of your work.
Hi everyone! I need all of you to give me some advice on my writing. Thank you in advance!  
  
## death penalty for the killers

  
  
**By punishing murderers with the death penalty, society is also guilty of committing murder. Therefore, life in prison is a better punishment for murderers.  
To what extent do yo agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
Some people said that it is great to throw the killers into the jail than give the death law. Personally, I support the idea that the killers must spend their life in prison, however, I would also argue that death penalty is the best punishment for the killers.  
  
There are several reasons why I believe that murderers must life in jail. Firstly, some murderers are still in underage between 13 and 17 years old. Lots of consideration is conducted by the legal institution to get the fair punishment for them. In this case, sending into the prison with predetermined time will be more suitable for underage murderers rather than death penalty. This will be more acceptable for the murder's relatives as well.  
  
In addition, the killers still have hopes and dreams which can be realized after the prison penalty is ended. They can arrange their future plans and pursue their dreams for the next chapter of life. Therefore, the death penalty will destroy their future goals at the same time.  
  
By contrast, it is true that let the killers still alive will be a threat for society. To illustrate, some news reported that the former killers commit a murder case after they are released from prison. It will be endangered for the human's life if the death punishment is not applied. Besides, the death penalty will eliminate the individual's desire to become a criminal. The number of crimes can be increased as long as the death law still be implemented for the murderers.  
  
To conclude, while send to the jail is a good decision, I agree that death penalty can be considered as the punishment for the killers.
Hi, your thesis "Personally, I support the idea ..." is confusing. Maybe rephrase it to "Personally, I support the idea that killers should be sentenced to life in prison; however, I do recognize that there are certain cases where the death penalty is the better punishment for murderers."  
  
For the rest of your essay, you don't really answer the question because you're using an example of people who will eventually be released from prison. The essay prompt explicitly states people who will never be released. So saying things such as "In addition, the killers still have [...] the next chapter of life." is irrelevant for this essay.  
  
The question is asking you actually the opposite of what you're saying. The question is essential:  
Which is better? Living in a prison for the rest of your life and watching your dreams and goals disappear? or the death penalty?  
  
In terms of your grammar, there are a few misplaced words here and there. Also, you should review your tenses. For example "Some people say that it is ..."
Annatha, you are using a template response for this essay. I have seen you use this format for responding to other essay questions in this forum. Unfortunately, the template response would cause you to fail this test because of your failure to accomplish the Task Accuracy requirements of the essay. The discussion question is given in the prompt, so are the possible responses, along with the response presentation requirement. You failed to present any of these aspects properly.  
  
*Original Prompt: To what extent do yo agree or disagree with this statement?  
Your Response: Personally, I support the idea that the killers must spend their life in prison, however, I would also argue that death penalty is the best punishment for the killers.  
  
Proper Response: I partially support the idea life in prison is the best punishment for murderers due to a couple of factors.*  
  
The missing aspect in your response was a proper consideration of the prompt topic and the method of discussion. Where is the "extent" of your support for the statement? The "extent" is the measurement of your agreement or disagreement with the given discussion topic. While your reasoning paragraphs support your POV, it is not aligned with the required POV of the original prompt. Therefore, points will be deducted for this mistake. Along with other scoring bracket mistakes, it will be difficult for you to get close to or even a passing score at this point.  
  
Do not use template responses. Learn what the Task 2 questions are, how it is presented, and how you should respond to it in the prompt paraphrase. The Task 2 essay cannot use cookie cutter or a template for your response. That is the surefire way to fail the test.
Hi. As two people have cited out your primary mistakes in this essay, so I'm going to just remind you to pay heeds next time.  
  
Just some suggestions:  
You should not divide your body part into 3 different paragraphs. Why? Because you literally made your essay more incoherent and clumsy at this point. 2 discursive body paragraph is adequate in most IELTS essays. (except the discuss both views and give your opinion question).  
  
In addition, your concluding paragraph is still incomplete according to me as it has only one sentence and it does not fully summarize anything at all. You better work on it more carefully next time, and in my opinion, the conclusion should contain 2 sentences at least.  
  
Some mistakes in your essay:  
why I believe that murderers ~~must life in jail~~ => should receive life prison sentence.  
more suitable for ~~underage~~ juvenile murderers ...  
It will ~~be endangered~~ jeopardize for ~~the human's life~~ the society  
The number of crimes can be... this sentence does not make sense as you read it. Maybe you mean " As long as the death penalty does not come into effect, the percentage of people committing crimes will continue to increase."
## Writing - IELTS Task 1 - Line graph

  
  
Hi everyone! I'm a new member. I'm practicing for ielts but my english is not really good. If you are not busy, please help me find out some mistakes that I have made, thanks for all ^^  
  
[The graph above shows relative price changes for fresh fruits and vegetables, sugars and sweets, and carbonated drinks between 1979 and 2009 in the US]  
  
My writing:  
The line graph provides information about changes in prices of three different food product groups, and the overall trend of Consumer-price index from 1979 and 2009 in the US.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the prices increased in all the three food product groups and fluctuated slightly over 30 years. Only the price for fresh fruits and vegetables were significantly higher than the Consumer Price Index.  
  
In the first year 1979, all lines of the graph had a same figure at approximately 60. Over the period, the Consumer-price index went up gradually to over 200 in 2009. The prices for sugar and sweets and carbonated drinks had the similar upward trend. However since 1987, they were consistently below the CPI throughout the remainder of the period. Finally, the figure for carbonated drinks stood at 150, which was lower than the figure for sugar and sweets at 200 in 2009.  
  
Prices for fresh fruits and vegetables, which had the same stating figure of 60 in 1979, had risen steadily with a few fluctuations before reaching at roughly 330 by the year 2009.  
  
*
Hi,  
  
Some points that I noticed:  
  
1. Some grammatical errors, such as: ...from 1979 and 2009 --> should be --> from 1979 to 2009  
I personally prefer mentioning country followed by time duration, so I will change the sentence to: The line graph provides information about price change of three food products and the overall trend of Consumer-price index in the US from 1979 to 2009.  
  
2. Sentence: In the first year 1979, all lines of the graph had a same figure at approximately 60.  
Change to: In 1979, the graph shows the price of the three products lingers at 60.  
  
3. Your writing lacks conclusion. Try developing your concluding sentence at the end of your writing. IELTS does emphasis on the way you structure your writing: opening, content development, conclusion.  
  
Good luck!
> Overall,  ~~it is clear that~~ the prices .... ~~Only~~ Whereas, the price ~~for~~ of fresh fruits ...  
  
> Should not be using the order like firstly, secondly, finally, etc in the IELTS's essay.  
> ~~Finally~~ In addition, ... lower than  ~~the figure for~~ sugar and ...  
> Try to write shortly and clearly as you can. Avoid written redundantly words.  
  
> You did not know exactly what the numbers in this essay are, so you should not be more clear of the number. Using words such as around, negligible, merely, etc.  
  
P/s:  
1. You should use more coherence and cohesion, this is the link you can check (~doregan/Writing/Cohesion.html).  
2. You should be compared to three food product groups and written 'Consumer-price index' in the other paragraph.  
3. You have to compare where the relevant is.
Nguyen, you have to complete your prompt overview when presenting your report otherwise your TA score will be low. The prompt overview basically outlines the type of information presentation and the chronological order of the assessment you will be presenting. That is why all the information for discussion has to be presented beforehand. Your prompt overview only indicated the type of graph, a reference to the three different food groups, and the trend of the measurement. What you neglected to present, to complete the paragraph are:  
  
1. An enumeration of the graph color guide details  
2. Source of the information as indicated at the bottom of the chart  
3. A clear trending statement. That is one sentence, not 2 sentences.  
  
When you claim that there is a similar upward trend, you need to cite the information that will prove this statement. Remember, you are writing an analytical report. Without evidence, your statement becomes questionable. All of your information must be supported by data from the image.
**Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature and history of their own country, rather than the literature and history of other countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## the importance of teaching children history and literature

  
  
People may have different views about educating children the history and literature of their own nation rather than that of other countries. In my perspective, I totally agree this argument that children should know more knowledge of their own country from history and literature.  
  
For these two reasons why children should be taught more about the stories based on the history and literature. On the one hand, children can learn the lesson from history and literature which happened to the great person so that children would have a better development. For example,World War II started due to benefits to some nations and caused inevitable damages on human being. Therefore, in order to prevent this situation from repeating, educating children national history and literature to let them know the reason why the war got starting. On the other hand, children can be more familiar with their own country by knowing more stories behind the nation through studying history and literature. Also, it makes children more understand who they are on this planet.  
  
However, what if children only study history and literature of their own country, what will happen? It's believed that children will lose the sense of identity, which will lead to a ruined consequence, causing them escaping from their own country. Besides, children may make the same mistake as the great person of their own country such this problem might interfere children's growing.  
  
In conclusion, it is crucial to teach children the history and literature of their own nation, which would make them more realize themselves.
... children ~~the~~  history and ... rather than ~~that of~~  other countries. .., I totally agree **with** this argument ~~that~~ **because** children should....  
  
There are two reasons ... be taught ~~more~~ about the stories that are based on ~~the~~ history and literature. ... literature which **is** happened to ...  
  
~~Therefore,~~  In order to prevent ... and literature ~~to~~  **will** let them know **about** the reason why the war ~~got~~  is ~~starting~~ **occur**. ... with their ~~own~~  country by knowing ...  
  
However, ~~what~~ if children only ~~study~~ **learn about** history and ...  
  
... of their ~~own~~  nation, ...  
  
Notes :  
- Try to add more your vocabulary to avoid repetition  
- Be careful in some sentences, there are some errors  
- Good idea
Sorry if I offend you but some parts in your essay are so confusing that I cannot understand anything. You make a lot of mistakes: using inappropriate words and conjunctions, writing ungrammatical sentences and not developing your ideas.  
  
About the first body paragraph, although your ideas are quite good, your poor choice of words makes it hard to read. For example, this sentence:  
  
*On the one hand, children can...*  
  
I would rewrite it so it would be a little easier to understand:  
**On the one hand, history and literature can teach children about the details of many historical events so that they can avoid making the same mistakes as people in the past.**  
  
The second body paragraph is difficult to understand. I think the main objective of that paragraph is explaining why we shouldn't **only** teach children about the history and literature of our own country, but it is underdeveloped. You shouldn't ask questions in an essay. Your topic sentence should be something like " There are many reasons why children should not only study.....". And you should explain your ideas more clearly. I don't understand why only studying history and literature of their own country can lead to loss of identity in children. I suggest in this paragraph, you should write more about the benefits of knowing the world's history and literature.  
  
I think you should learn more about collocations, word usage, and grammar. You can find grammatical mistakes by uploading your essays to websites like Grammarly or Paper Checker.  
  
Good luck. Thank you for spending time reading this advice.
## birth rates in china and usa

  
  
The figure is given shows the birth rates during the period from 1920 to 2000 of China and the USA.  
  
Overall, the fertility of the USA was highest in 1950 reaching a peak of 15 per cent compared to the rate peak at the same rate in China in 1935. In addition, both nations saw considerable fluctuation that also has sharply decreased since 1960.  
  
The birth rates of China was dramatically decreased from 1935 to 1940 (15% and 5% respectively) compared to from 1940 to 1945 in the USA was plunged to low of just 5 per cent. On the other hands, China's birth rate was not changed at 5 per cent. Both in the USA and China was followed by a period of exponential growth in 1950 (20% and 15% respectively).  
  
In contrast, since 1950, China fell abruptly the next five years to under 10 rates, whereas, in the USA was sharply decreased to under 15 rates.  
A glance at the graph provided reveals some striking similarities from 1960 to 2000. Furthermore, the birth rates of both countries have fluctuated between 5 and 10 respectively since 1970. The fertility's lowest in China was becoming less than behalf of 5 per cent in 1980 and 2000. (206 words)  
  
Helps me what I am wrong in this essay, thanks for your comments, that helps me to improve a lot. Sincerely.  
  
*
Please help me with this Union College essay. Does it answer the question well?  
  
*What inspired you to apply to Union and what about our college most excites you? (150 word limit)*  
  
## unique combination of engineering with liberal arts

  
  
In today's world, it seems impossible for us to live without electricity. Unfortunately, still millions of people in my country have never seen an electric bulb.  
  
I dream to work among these underprivileged people for the accessibility of electricity through hydro-power. I want to be an engineer who can connect to the people, engage in their community and act to transform their lives. Thus, the wide range of interdisciplinary studies in the liberal arts and engineering that Union College offers is exactly what I require to fulfill my dream.  
  
With its small student body, I can take full advantage of undergraduate research opportunities and work with the guidance of brilliant faculty. I look forward to present my new ideas at annual Steinmetz Symposium.  
  
It is this unique combination of engineering with liberal arts and excellent research opportunities that excites me the most when I imagine studying at Union.
~~In today's world~~ **Nowadays**, it seems impossible ~~for us~~ to ... Unfortunately, ~~still~~  millions of ...  
  
... who can connect  ~~to the~~  people, ... and ~~act to~~  transform ...  
  
With *its small student body*, I can take full ...  
  
For the italic words, I do not understand the meaning of the words. I hope it helps you. Goodluck
The academic goals that inspired your decision to apply to Union College are not spelled out in this essay. Your dreams have no place in the presentation if you cannot connect it specific laboratories, mentor programs, or course offerings at the university. I do not really sense any excitement in your essay when it comes to your learning expectations as a student at Union College. Your statement could actually be considered a general liberal arts reference which you can use to respond to the same prompt, just changing the name of the university. There is nothing that makes this response stand-out because you are not aiming to impress the reviewer with your professional ambitions as the university can help you achieve it.  
  
If the inspiration for your choice of university is the lack of access to electricity in your country, then build your response around that. How does the idea of helping your countrymen gain access to electricity inspire your choice of university? Based on this personal goal, how do you see Union College inspiring you to achieve this task? The reference to the symposium is good, but underdeveloped. You need to mention that in reference to something specific that you hope to accomplish.  
  
Don't use general references, that does not help you create an interesting paper. Go for specifics and try to write in a more active voice that engages the reviewer in an exciting conversation regarding the reasons you chose Union College.