dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## maintaining my network

  
  
I strongly believe that one of the pillars of networking is to be able to get help to help other people and based on this belief I have been almost seventeen years creating and strengthening my network of contacts.  
  
In my current profession, which is project management I have been working for about seven years, of which four are only as Planning Coordinator, having worked in three major construction companies and in three important Brazilian states. This has given me the great possibility to create a wide and strong network of contact allowing to help other colleagues and being able to help me too. I often get leads from former colleagues with whom I have worked on past experiences who ask me for advice, propose partnerships and even work placements. As for example, I already developed a work with a former college colleague, she developed the architectural project I made the budget and the planning of this same construction, worked very well to the point of even thinking about establishing a partnership.  
  
I believe that international experiences - by traveling, exchanges or some specialization course - are also extraordinary opportunities to expand a network of contacts and bring a broader worldview, which is very enriching. Last year I was in Canada and once again I was able to expand my network of contacts.  
  
Becoming part of the Chevening community, I believe that the global connections for future leaders and influencers are a great advantage that will be essential for my personal network and career development. By having friends who share the same ambition, I can learn from them and share my experience, thereby enriching and further developing my leadership and networking skills.  
  
I am committed to devoting my time to maintaining my network in Chevening thus creating a stronger relationship. I also believe that through this new network that can be created through Chevening I see real chances in helping more people share with them new knowledge and creating bridges so that they too can expand their networks. The specialization that I am seeking through the scholarship is still very incipient here in Brazil, so the benefits and the help are not hypothetical, in fact when I return to Brazil I will have a richly expanded network that consequently I will be able to help more and more people who are looking for the same knowledge.
Overall, to me your essay sounds too general. You have one specific example, but even that is a little vague. I think it would be more convincing to have specific details about how networking has helped you and allowed you to help others. Then the benefits you expect to get from Chevening are also very general. In fact, it seems like they could apply to almost anyone, in almost any field, so try to tailor it more specifically to your particular skills and goals.  
  
Here are a few additional corrections I would make:  
  
I have spent almost seventeen years  
  
of which four are only as Planning Coordinator, {this is a little confusing or odd to me - why "are only" here?}  
  
wide and strong network of contacts allowing me to help other colleagues who can likewise help me too.  
  
I have worked on past projects who ask  
  
in helping more people by sharing with them new knowledge
Juliana, your networking essay is so faulty that it could be discarded by the reviewer for non-compliance with the prompt requirements. This is the one time in all of the Chevening writinjg activities that you need to show the development of your networking skills. Provide at least 3 solid examples covering your academic, professional, and socio-civic networking skills. Why cover these 3 aspects? You need to convince the reviewer that you can provide a network that will help promote Chevening upon your completion of the program. Remember, the last aspect of the prompt asks you how you can use this network to help promote Chevening and help the future program participants? That is exactly why you need to convince the reviewer that you have an existing network that you are not only currently using, but also, that you can use to help promote the program and assist the scholars in your capacity as a mentor in the future. A general description is good, but should only be one paragraph to kick off the essay. The reviewer needs at least 3 paragraphs of specific examples to even consider your essay within the prompt parameters for consideration.
**Question: When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration. To what extend do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## money as a primary motivation

  
  
Many people believe that salary is the primary factor when deciding to take a job, Personally, I completely disagree with this point of view.  
  
Although income plays an essential role, there are several reasons why it is not the foremost thing to be taken into consideration. Firstly, salary is usually determined by the labor market. If an employer offers a salary that is considered too low, the applicant will not take the job, thus making the employer raise it in order to attract more workforce. In fact, the amount paid to employees offered by the majority of corporations are considerably reasonable, and applicants can always try to negotiate to get the desired salary. Secondly, salary always corresponds to the characteristics of the job. Jobs with high salary often comes with tremendous responsibilities and demands specific qualifications. Occupations which have inherent risks such as stuntmen or cleaning workers on tall buildings also offer great income.  
  
When choosing a job, applicants have diverse aspects to take into account. Passion and personal preference have always equitably affected the way people select their profession. For example, people crave for creativity will take a job that allows them to innovate rather than a repetitive one. Working environment and the culture of the company are also equally crucial to an applicant's choice of career. Having a friendly manager and helpful co-workers can create a huge difference to employees' level of happiness. Thousands of graduates are competing against each other to get into big and prestigious firms hoping that they can benefit from these firms, whereas there are other companies that are willing to pay them more with the same, if not, less amount of work and pressure.  
  
In conclusion, I totally disagree that salary can overweight other factors when it comes to selecting a job.  
  
*Thank you for your time and would love to have your opinions on my essay!*
@lamtrieuphong  
I guess what you meant by "overweight" is "outweigh".  
  
Your topic sentence at the beginning of each body paragraph didn't match its supporting ideas, if not opposing it:  
Although income plays an essential role, there are several reasons why it is not the foremost thing to be taken into consideration.  
 ----> then you said employees refused to take a job because of low salaries?  
----> this would better go with the point "when choosing a job... levels of happiness "  
  
The whole essay looked like a list of points, rat than a cohesive writing.  
  
This is my personal opinion.  
Hope this would help.
Phong, your approach to the essay will result in a failed score because you did not follow the proper discussion format and instructions as provided in the original essay prompt. Please take note of the grave mistake that you made in terms of the Task Accuracy portion of the test. You neglected to provide an accurate 3-5 sentence paraphrase of the discussion topic and instructions in your opening statement. The opening paraphrase is what the examiner uses to determine your ability to understand English instructions. So the paraphrase should be:  
  
*In today's job market, people consider a number of factors when deciding to accept a job offer. It is commonly believed that the monthly payments an employee will be receiving is the most important consideration when deciding to work for a company. I completely disagree with this point of view.*  
  
You need to offer the examiner an understanding of your analytical abilities in terms of understanding the original prompt. That is why it is always best to present a long form paragraph discussion in all instances. This allows you to elaborate on your English skills in terms of LR, C&C, and GRA considerations. Don't keep it short, keep it within 5 sentences per paragraph at all times in order to allow the examiner to fully consider your English writing and comprehension abilities.  
  
The presentation you made for your discussion is also faulty. You have 2 reasons in one paragraph in the second paragraph. The rules indicate that you get the best possible score when you only discuss one reason per essay because you can fully explain your line of reasoning. You do not need too many reasons, you only need to be able to explain the 2 reasons that you have separately.  
  
Your personal opinion should have been indicated in the 4th paragraph in order to signify the "extent" reasoning that you have on a personal basis. If you were the one applying for the job, why would you consider the salary to be the most important consideration? The first 2 reasons are only commonly accepted reasons. What is your personal reason? That an important representation of your "extent" reasoning.  
  
Again, the same problem exists in your conclusion as in your opening paragraph. Make sure you correct the essay to properly reflect a restatement of the opening discussion in the conclusion. Same number of sentences are required.
*Question:  
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?*  
**The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people.  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
## importance of VIPs news

  
  
There is no doubt that the young and the elderly are quite different on various angles. But which group is easier to be influenced by views of celebrities is hard to answer. Some people consider the elderly are the ones who tend to be control by others' views because they are loyal to someone they follow. However, I agree that youngsters take opinions of celebrities more serious for following reasons.  
  
Firstly, although the elderly tend to follow the rules set up by authorities, they stick to the rules even those rules are abolished. That is to say, the elderly are so stubborn that they deny changing. For instance, my grandfather, who was from mainland China, obey the most famous celebrity: president Chiang at that time, and he did care about president's opinion. In the rest of his life, he rejects changes of time and environments because the thoughts of president become his. It causes no one can change his mind.  
  
Secondly, the young are eager to be look cool and awesome, easily been affected by the opinions of someone famous. At that ages, teenagers try their best to find a role model, and celebrities fit that kind of role. For instance, nowadays students at Taiwan start singing hip-hop because the hot TV show and many celebrities regard this type of music as the greatest. It was hard to image this trend few years ago because few people listened to hip-hop.  
  
Last but not least, the young are a little naive, so they trust what someone well-known says. Young people are likely to be lack of critical thinking skills. They just jump up the wagon when someone well-known express his idea. On the other hand, the elderly are likely to doubt what celebrities say because they have been cheated through their entire lives. For this reason, young people tend to be manipulated by others' views.  
  
In short, I feel the young consider opinions of celebrities more important than the older people do. That is because old people are too hard-headed to change and because younger people want to be as cool as celebrities.  
  
**thx in advance**
First of all, you need to pay more attention to your grammar and word choices ("to be controlled"; "to look cool" not "to be look cool" and "looking cool" is not formal; etc ).  
  
Secondly, I do not find your supporting ideas really persuasive. For example, the second paragraph where you use the example of your grandfather only obeying to one president does not justify anything of your idea that "youngsters take opinions of celebrities more serious". To me, it just shows that elder people are tend to be more loyal to a certain celeb and only follow the authorities. The paragraph somehow is irrelevant.  
  
Well, that is my personal opinion. Wish you luck in your studying!
Sheanen, the opening paraphrase is not accurate in terms of representing the original prompt. You have a tendency to discuss the prompt in a manner that you feel is proper rather than simply explaining or retelling what the original prompt said in your own words. If I had paraphrased this prompt, it would have resulted in the following:  
  
*These days, it appears the young people value the opinions of celebrities while the older people do not give too much importance to the celebrity points of view. In this essay, I will discuss why I agree with that statement. I will be presenting reasons and examples that I feel will better illustrate my point of view.*  
  
It is important that you learn how to stick to the original prompt in your paraphrasing because that will represent your ability to understand English topics for discussion and discussion instructions. The closer your interpretation of the original prompt, the better your TA score will be. All you have to do is make sure that you do not stray too far from the original prompt and that you use synonyms that can help you to better present your understanding of the topic and instructions.  
  
By the way, even though the essay asks you to use reasons and examples to support your answer, you need to keep a distance and not get emotional in your response. Your presentation shows a clear irritation at your grandfather and other senior citizens. That makes your point of view less objective and more personal. Unless the essay asks you to get personal, use an objective point of view. That means, do not get too emotional and lax in your presentation. Retain an academic tone and make sure that you use logical examples that, although personal in nature, does not show a sense of emotion such as irritation or anger at the topic of the discussion. Remember, this is an academic, not personal essay, after all.
IELTS : task2 : General writing | check for mistakes and provide score  
  
*Question : **Some people argue that strict punishment for driving offenses is the only effective way toward improving safety on the road. Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
## Road safety improving

  
  
Nowadays, increasing number of Traffic accidents is a growing concern in developing and developed nations. While some opine that strict actions should be imposed on the offenders who violates traffic norms is the most efficient way to reduce road accidents. I agree that strict rules should be implemented for the road safety  
  
The first and foremost benefit for imposing harsh punishments on violating traffic laws is that it will Inculcate discipline and responsible among citizens. In addition, People will always think twice before breaking the traffic laws, otherwise they have to deal with hefty fines and imprisonment. To illustrate, in Singapore, traffic accidents were reduced exponentially after their government taken action against traffic law breakers.  
  
Secondly, safe driving will help to reduce financial overheads on the state. This is because less number of accidents will result in reduction in damages to public properties, thus authority will have to pay less for infrastructure fixation. Moreover, Insurance companies will have to settle fewer number of claims related to accidents, so in longer run, their premium will reduce considerably which in turn will benefit the individuals.  
  
However, some people may argue that instead of implementing strict punishment, state should increase awareness about traffic rules among vehicle drivers by providing informative sessions and advertisements which will have same impact as with harsh traffic guidelines. What is more, heavy penalty on drivers may become burden on individuals. Therefore, traffic educations should be considered as an important aspect to minimize fatalities.  
  
In conclusion, although motivating people about following road safety rules can reduce accident risk, harsh punishment will force the people to follow traffic regulations in more effective way  
  
*Please review this essay and help me improving this*
**Here are some of the mistakes I noticed:**  
  
There's no need to capitalize the words in the middle of your sentences unless it is a name such as Singapore.  
  
*"While some opine that strict ..."*- The "while" implies that there is a second part of the sentence but there isn't one. You should either get rid of the "while" or add another statement about motivating people to follow road laws.  
  
*"... discipline and responsible among citizens"*- Replace "responsible" with "responsibility".  
  
*"...after their government taken action ..."*- Replace "taken" with "took"  
  
Replace *"less number of"* with "lower number of"
Nitesh, the essay that you wrote will get a score of 4. I know it is a failing score. Even though you did write more than the acceptable number of words and you discussed the paragraphs in a manner that discusses a topic. You are not discussing the topic that was required of you by the original prompt. The original prompt dictates a discussion that should reflect and agreement with strict punishments for driving offenses. What you are discussing is an agreement with strict rules being implemented. There is a difference between strict punishment and strict rules. The punishment is the end result of breaking the rules. Therefore, the method by which you developed the opening paragraph shows that you did not understand the English instructions or, your knowledge of the English language is faulty to the point where you used the wrong term to describe what the essay wanted you to discuss. This error, which affects the task accuracy of the essay, which is the main part of the scoring bracket, resulted in the score of 4 on your end. This means that your response is only correct in certain aspects and references. The response is mostly inaccurate. BTW, only proper nouns or the names of people, places, and things are capitalized within the middle part of a sentence.
*Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school. Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.*  
  
## Home-based education - pros & cons

  
  
Nowadays, majority of parents, specially in developing and under developed countries support the idea that children should get education at their home rather than educational institutes where as few believe that schools are indispensable. In my opinion, school plays an important role in students' overall growth. It provides opportunities to acquire knowledge from expert teachers and prepare students to survive in competitive world. However, Home-based education system creates an environment where children could be trained on specific skills only.  
  
Firstly, schools provide a platform where students are able to access best resources for their academic growth. Moreover, availability of subject matter experts assists children to learn advanced skills which could boost their professional efficiency. For example Apollo school, the best school in Delhi, every year invites doctors and engineers from USA to deliver seminar in the field of physics and biotechnology.  
  
Secondly, School-based education system develops competitive capabilities. At the end of the day children have to survive in ruthless world and struggle to get get a job or admission in foremost colleges. Therefore, learning from childhood in schools develops such traits through which children not only could analyze competition but also device strategy to obtain results in their favor.  
  
In contrast, education at home has its own merits. It provides a controlled environment where children could acquire specific skill set without any distraction. Majorly, business families support such system and believe child should learn only business related knowledge, at home and this would save significant amount of money that would incurred in tuition fees.  
  
In conclusion, though Home-based education is cost effective and less distractive, but schools are the vital source of knowledge where children learn to compete and supervision of experts evolve their thinking power.
1. Nowadays, many parents, specially in (...) countries**,** support the idea (...) rather than at educational institutes ... ---> (1) 'majority' is NOT the subject in the sentence, but 'parents' are (2) without the comma, the sentence is incompleted. (3) wrong comparison  
  
2. ... and less distractive, ~~but~~ schools are the vital source ... ---> you could only use either 'though' or 'but'
There are other mistakes should be fixed.  
  
1. ... engineers from USA to ~~deliver seminar~~ in the field of ... ----> **'held seminars'**  
  
2. Secondly, ~~School-based education system develops competitive capabilities.~~ ---> school-based education system CANNOT DEVELOP any capabilities. You indicate the wrong meaning.  
  
3. ... and believe that  child should learn ... In addition, the home-based education system would save significant amount ...
Ankush, regardless of whether you are writing an essay for the IELTS or TOEFL test, the main requirement for these tests is that your opening statement must accurately represent an understanding of the discussion topic and instructions from the original prompt . What you wrote though is considered a direct discussion of the topic presented without any outline or accurate retelling of the prompt. You deviated so much from the original information that you could have accidentally written about a different essay altogether if you weren't careful enough. Let me show you how this should have been done:  
  
*When it comes to the education of a child, a parent is faced with 2 options. The first, is that the child can be taught at home since there are people who believe that this would be best for the child's overall development. The other choice, is for the child to go to school. Both educational ideas have its advantages. In this essay, I will present what the advantages are for each option and then, I will give my opinion regarding the discussion based upon examples from my personal experience or knowledge.*  
  
By using an accurate representation of the original prompt, I was able to present a clear and interesting paraphrase of the original prompt. I used the opportunity to impress the reviewer with my lexical resources and I also presented enough complex sentence structures to garner an impressive GRA score right from the very start of the essay. This is the aim of the opening paragraph and this is what you have to deliver.  
  
Your paragraph discussions are not really informative. You only present reasons but do not explain the basis of these information. As such, you did not accurately depict the requirement that requires relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. This is the sort of essay that asks you to consider, "If I were the child who is in school, which method of study would I prefer and why?" Once you know the answer to the question on a personal basis, you will be able to more accurately respond to and discuss the prompt.  
  
Note that you are only being asked to discuss the advantages of each learning style in the essay. So there is no requirement for you to discuss the disadvantages as you did in this essay. However you could present an opposing point of view by starting off the paragraph with the term "I believe" or "I oppose" to signify that you are stating your own opinion at that point, even if it runs counter to the prompt discussion.