dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Ahmad, since you did not provide the original prompt for my consideration and comparison with your paraphrasing. I cannot accurately say that you could have done a better job at doing a paraphrase. It is difficult to assess that part since there is no comparison point. Please remember to always post the original prompt with your response essay so that you can be better assessed regarding that all too important scoring point of your essay requirements. That said, I did notice a number of problem points in your body paragraphs.  
  
the major problem with your body paragraph discussion is that you have too many topics going on in one paragraph. This has led to a weak development of your reasoning and justification skills for each point that you presented. The paragraphs turn out to be half baked or under-developed because there is no real point to your line of reasoning. That is why there is a single topic per paragraph requirement. One topic sentence followed by 4 supporting sentences and you are sure to get a higher GRA and C&C score. That is simple enough for you to accomplish. After all, you have 3 justification paragraphs allotted for the discussion. Present 2 points per paragraph then make the last body paragraph a strong discussion of a collective solution addressing the 2 problem points. You have to hit 2 birds with one stone, so to speak. That is the only way to make sure that you can improve your scores in the overall criteria consideration. Your opening paragraph and conclusion are composed of 2 run one sentences. Since this is all about proving your ability to write in an understandable manner in English, try to write using more individual sentences. That is the best format for both because there is a 3-5 sentence requirement per paragraph. Any less than 3 sentences and you will lose points in the C&C score section.
**Popular events like the football world cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.**  
  
## sporting competitions influence on citizens feelings

  
  
Identifying the methods which can control the emotions between people is always not clear. After some researches, they understand popular events can perform this among the folks. Sport events specially act the main role because most of people like sports competition either playing or watching, so its affection is remarkable. I believe that these kinds of popular happening help human calm down their tensions even in the range of international and show their national emotions in a better way.  
  
Humankind always searches a good way to exhibit his abilities and power to others. To illustrate, in the past centuries, gladiators fought each other to clarify which one was stronger but after the expansion of human civilization, these battles showed the patriotic emotions of citizens and increased their fatherland. The tensions between the people multiplied year by year till sports events begun. After these competitions, the volume of stress was decreased sharply.  
  
One reason might make friendship between two or more countries during the races. Athletes gave hands to each other that caused avoid rival feelings somewhat and just entertain instead of blooding. Also, that opening and closing ceremonies which were held at the first and last day of events, intended to introduce the culture of the host to the other participated countries. So, if someone knew wrong thing about that country, it would vanish.  
  
Athletes lost their extra energy during playing that caused to control their calmness in the time of crisis. This is true for their fans because they shouted during playing that made them more relax. As a result most people in the world can control themselves in difficult situation.  
  
On the other hand, there are foreign coaches or players in every team that aid to increase kindness between the people of those countries. In addition, some kids and teenagers are the fan of those foreign players. Then, following them caused to learn their languages or culture that it will raise the level of community culture and comprehension.  
  
Consequently, organizing such events can help citizens to control their tensions internationally and national feelings better by reinforcing their cognition and raising culture. Hence, it is better to increase such events to reducing crimes in the world however there are lots of people do inhuman acting during plays.
Maryam, this essay that you wrote was to have been completed based on the following prompt discussion instruction: *Do you agree or disagree?* As such the paraphrased prompt should have shown a restatement of the topic plus a simple agreement or disagreement with the given statement. You did not provide such an opinion as your thesis statement for this essay and as such, discussed the essay in a completely different manner. That means the only score that this essay can garner you, had this been an actual test, would have been a 1. That score shows a clear lack of understanding of the prompt discussion requirements, which translates into an inability to understand English instructions. Why did that happen? What was the score based on? Simply put, your response was completely unrelated to the task that you were asked to discuss. If you were given a set of instructions for an experiment and you did not follow it because you did not understand the instructions, what do you think would happen? Exactly. That is the disaster that was created by your essay. The mere fact that you failed to pass the TA scoring portion immediately kills all chances of you passing this test.
*SPORTING COMPETITIONS INFLUENCE ON CITIZENS FEELINGS*  
  
Why do you have a title here as IELTS standard structure does not promote essay title  
  
*Identifying the methods which can control the emotions between people is always not clear. After some researches, they understand popular events can perform this among the folks. Sport events specially act the main role because most of people like sports competition either playing or watching, so its affection is remarkable. I believe that these kinds of popular happening help human calm down their tensions even in the range of international and show their national emotions in a better way.*  
  
We don't use research or studies
**Question:** *Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
## ***Education on children***

  
  
There are different views of the main responsibility of educating children to become a suitable member of the society. Some held that it's the parents' duty, while others argued that the school should educate children about the lesson. In this editorial, I'm aim to discuss the opposite views and to express my opinion based on my personal experience and knowledge.  
  
Some people may think that home education is the first place where children form the concept of the society and learned how to be part of the it. Therefore, children should develop the knowledge from their parents. However, others may conceive that school is a perfect place to learn about the vital properties of being a socialized person, because educational institutions are a smaller version of the society.  
  
In my opinion, teachers and parents should work together to teach children the issue. Since parents are the initial educator a child encountered, they should introduce the concepts of the society and the way to be a part of it. When children attend school, teachers should consolidate the concept and correct their behavior whenever they violate the rules in the society. When I was a child, I learned a lot of great characteristics, which is crucial to be a part of the society, from my parents, characteristics including kindness and integrity. On the other hand, my teachers and classmates taught me the lesson in a practical way. I learned how to be a team player and how to pay respect to others in school. Both parties influenced me deeply, and their education formed the one who I am.  
  
To sum up, education of the next generation is the responsibility of the whole country rather than of an individual.  
  
--------------------  
Please give me advice about the structure of the passage and how can I improve to score high in the writing section. Thank you!!
Lee, you accidentally created a redundant paraphrasing of the original prompt for discussion in the first and second paragraphs. This is something that you could have avoided if you had properly outlined the essay in the opening paragraph. The purpose of the first paragraph is to help you outline the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs so that you will be able to properly discuss and develop your essay discussion. The correct prompt paraphrase is as follows:  
  
*Some people that children can learn how to respectable members of society through the examples set by and lessons in respect that their parents provide. Others though, believe that lessons in respect and how to be good members of society is best taught in schools. This essay will present a discussion regarding each point of view prior to my presentation of my personal opinion regarding the topic.*  
  
Using the opening discussion to outline your discussion will help you accurately use the 3 body paragraphs in a method that will best allow you to highlight your ability to write in English. The format would then be:  
  
1. Opening paraphrase  
2. Point 1 with supporting explanations  
3. Point 2 with supporting explanations  
4. Personal point of view (always in support of point 2)  
5. Concluding statement (summary of the previous discussion)  
  
Based on the format above, you should notice that the discussion you created does not represent the required elements of the prompt requirement. That means, you did not properly discuss the prompt and its representing opinions. This could lead to a failing score in an actual test. Thankfully, you are still reviewing and practicing so you have time to correct these major errors on your part.
being a socialized person, because educational ...  
--> comma before because is incorrect. independent clause should be followed by dependent clause, without any comma, to form complex sentence.  
  
Moreover whenever you are asked to discuss both the views then it is better to have following format: -  
  
1. one paragraph for introduction + outline  
2. one paragraph for 1st view: - topic sentence + supporting idea and/or example  
3. one paragraph for 2nd view: - topic sentence + supporting idea and/or example  
4. Your opinion  
5. Conclusion
@emem123  
hello  
  
your writing need some basic guidance because your are not flowing proper structure of essay writing.  
  
you need flow ...  
  
1) introduction must be paraphrase using different word and structure, at least three sentences.  
  
2) main idea need to write in each paragraph. then it must be supported by relevant examples and supporting ideas.  
  
3)second main idea need to write in each paragraph. then it must be supported by relevant examples and supporting ideas.  
  
4) write a summary of your body part and your opinion in the conclusion .  
  
keep in mind more reading bring idea about how write a essay.  
  
keep writing :)
**Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## responsibility for kids schooling

  
  
There is much controversy about whether schools and teachers should take the responsibility to educate children to become people who can bring positive effects to our society. However, I believe that parents should be the role models for their children and educate them.  
  
There are several reasons why some people might think school is a suitable place for children to learn to behave. Firstly, the main purpose of attending school is to acquire knowledge and socialize. Students can not only learn fundamental knowledge but also study how to communicate with others at school. As a result, teachers should focus on students' performance at both academy and social behavior. Secondly, peers play an important role on affecting children' behavior. Since teenagers can easily be influenced by their classmates and friends, a good environment and education become crucial for leading them to become good members of society.  
  
In spite of the above arguments, parents should take more responsibility for their children. The main reason is that parents have to take care of their children whom they give birth to. Parents should spend more time than teachers to educate and company their children when they grow up. Another factor is that children imitate their parents' action. Parents should act as a positive role model to encourage their children to become good members of society and prevent them from setting up negative habits, such as smoking, gambling and breaking laws.  
  
In conclusion, although schools can educate students to have good behavior, I think that parents, the people give birth to their children, should take more responsibility and put more effort on teaching their next generation.
Irene, there are 2 major problems with the essay that you wrote. The first, is that the prompt is not properly paraphrased in your essay. The second, is that you discussed only one of the two opinions and completely forgot to present your point of view. Both mistakes ended up lowering your overall score due to prompt deviations.  
  
With regards to the first problem, the mistakes in your presentation are simple enough to correct. You have to avoid exaggerations and stick to only the original information provided. Overstatements such as "much controversy" when that is not indicated in the essay tends to change the original prompt indications and as such, create a lie in the delivery of information to the reader. Always be truthful by sticking to the original sentiments of the topic provided and its instructions. Here's a sample:  
  
*There is a discussion as to who is truly responsible for the education of children when it comes to making them good members of society. A group of people believe that it is the school that should be in charge of this task. Others, explain that it is the duty of the schools to teach the kids about good manners and right conduct when in a social setting. This essay will discuss both points of view prior to my offering of my personal opinion on the matter.*  
  
You need to only clearly explain what the original prompt is all about, the discussion points, and the method of presentation in order to create a proper opening statement. You need not exaggerate the presentation and you do not need to indicate your opinion at the very start since you cannot complete your opinion discussion in the opening paragraph due to sentence maximum issues.  
  
Your point of view is always the last presentation of the 3 body paragraphs. Don't forget that. It cannot be presented as an "I think" sentence in the conclusion because you are expected to fully explain yourself in relation to your opinion before you conclude the essay. Therefore, you have an open ended instead of a closed essay presentation. You always need the closed essay presentation in order to get a good score.
## student should volunteer

  
  
It is true that student should volunteer in order to contribute their local community. While i agree that it can be beneficial for both individual teenager and society, i do not consider that unpaid should be compusory.  
  
On the one hand, there are a large number of advantages stemming from the volunteer of young people in their spare time. Firstly, they have opputinities to broanden their mind and enrich their knowlegde through experiances. For example, they can improve teamwork skill when they do unpaid work with other people who they do not know. As a result, they learn how to buil a strong relationship and how to manage the conflict. Secondly, this is one of ways to save money for society's budget. Thank for teenagers, some social jobs have been done without paying money.  
  
On the other hand, student should not being given added reponsibility of working. One reason is that they are too busy with their homework. Beside studying in their school, they have to prepare for coming exams. Another important reason is that they need some free time to develop their hobbies or play with their friend.  
  
In conclusion, it is certainly true that doing unpaid work brings many gain for both student and community, but this no means they should be forced to do it.
Tran, your essay does not properly represent the prompt for discussion because you immediately discussed the topic in the opening paragraph, with the assumption that the reader is familiar with the topic being discussed. You must always consider that the examiner may or may not have access to the original prompt. That is why the opening paragraph is always allotted for your topic presentation and instruction discussion representation. That is all part of the Task Accuracy requirement and you are scored in a major manner on your ability to deliver the TA requirements. The proper presentation for this would have been:  
  
*Compulsory community service for the youth during their spare time is something that people and schools believe to be beneficial to the youngster. That is because there is a belief that young adults will gain major benefits from such a practice. I disagree with this practice and in this essay, I will explain why.*  
  
Based upon the proper prompt presentation, you will see that this is not a "2 points of view" discussion essay but rather, a single opinion justification essay. Therefore, your essay should not be discussing two points of view. Rather, you should be discussing the 3 body paragraphs to provide reasons, evidence, and justifications for your point of view. That is how you present, discuss, and defend your point of view in the proper manner.  
  
Your conclusion does not work well in terms of increasing your score. You need to divide the presentation into 3-5 sentences in order to gain the maximum possible GRA and C&C scores for your work.
Hi Tran Thanh Nga,  
  
You should also avoid making mistakes in terms of GRA, so that your score can be higher. I try to correct the first part of your essay as below:  
  
It is true that students should volunteer in order to contribute to their local community. While ~~i~~I agree that (...) individual teenagers and the society, ~~i~~I do not consider that an unpaid basis should be compulsory.  
  
Hope it helps
@Ngatranhvt  
Hi, I'd like to make several corrections for you. The essay contains lots of spelling errors, which will drag your scores down.  
  
... in order to contribute  **to** their local community.  
compusory => compulsory  
opputinities => opportunities  
knowlegde => knowledge  
broanden => broaden  
experiances => experiences  
buil => build  
reponsibility => responsibility
## Worst gift ever

  
  
My brother Simon has always wondered if he could get a parakeet. He had talked about his dream bird every day, therefore, one day I decided to make his dream come true.  
  
I was unable to buy him a real parakeet, however, I found an awesome idea which should have surprised him. Winter was coming and all presents should have been bought. I had almost all gifts ready to pack except Simon's gift which was the last one. My idea was to astonish him by parakeet's voucher, which would include a trip to the biggest parakeet area in Europe for 2 nights. He could enjoy 3 days surrounded by many wild birds. Unluckily I had other expenses so I was out of money.  
  
The last possible day to buy Christmas gift I was walking through the shopping mall when I accidentally found a pet shop which offered parakeet's food and other stuff. This moment was completely exquisite. Blood in my veins immediately came to rest. I was conscious not being able to buy an animal. But my plan was to make a fun of him.  
  
In conclusion, I bought him parakeet's food. I admit doing it just because of the fun.  
During the Christmas night, we laughed together. Unforgettable moment.  
  
Have I done critical mistakes? Thank you. NOTE: RUSH
***Some people believe that there should be a fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.  
  
Discuss both views and give your own opinion.***  
  
## factors for punishment severity

  
  
Some people embrace the concept that each type of crime should carry a fixed penalty, while others make a case that it should not be left out of the sentencing, the consideration of criminal circumstances and motivation. There is much debate about this matter. In this essay, I will discuss both points and then come up with my own insight on it.  
  
The advocates of fixed penalty contend that it proclaims the rigidity of the law, thereby leaving no room for accommodation or leniency. One criminal offense, one punishment, none can make an exception. This sends an explicit message to people about the consequence of violating the law. Thus they will regulate their behavior accordingly. The logic behind the argument, though, prompts concerns.  
  
Other people object that suspects tend to be penalized unfairly if the circumstances and motivation cannot gain the consideration they deserve. As an illustration, under the frame of fixed punishment, a hardened burglar stealing bread out of spite is treated in the same way as a first offender doing so to feed her hungry child. The result is that the former enjoys undue leniency or the latter suffers disproportionately. While there is admittedly a possibility of such a thorny problem, I personally join the rank of supporters for the frame.  
  
I back fixed punishment. In my opinion, the flexibility has the loophole that is exploited to cunningly bend the law in favor of offenders, since slight circumstances or good motives can be invented out of nothing. This is exemplified by the rape lawsuit, where the defendant may purport to be an innocent man who is seduced by the scantily clad victim or aroused by her sex implication. If the circumstances of the criminality weigh heavily, the allegation will not merely mitigate the severity, but attach a stigma to the victim.  
  
Based on all these reasons I have provided, my conclusion is that the circumstances and motivations, despite their merits, should not be taken into consideration in the sentencing. Fixed punishment ought to be enforced. Whoever commits the same crime ought to be subject to the same penalty.  
  
**I've changed my way of writing the conclusion paragraph, added a transition sentence in the end of each body paragraph and focused on one topic in a single paragraph. Hope the changes work.  
  
I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. I set a challenging goal of 8 for my task 2, though I know I have a long way to go.**