dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.**  
  
A breakdown of the information about how many pupils that passed their high school exams according to the subject and sex is depicted in the bar chart. It is measured in the percentage between 2010 and 2011. Overall, most female pupils had passed in computer science while male pupils were good at subjects that relate to calculation and linguistic.  
  
Initially, girls were good at computer science. It was proved that the figure occupied in the first rank at 56,3%, nearly doubling with chemistry. Meanwhile, foreign languages and mathematics stayed at the second level at 47,4% and 49,2% in a row, that roughly twice as many as history figure. On the other hand, the percentage of geography was the least at 20,1% which physics experienced twofold bigger than it.  
  
Concerning to the boys, they got almost the same ratio at foreign languages and mathematics. The figure showed at 46,8% and 48,4% successively while computer science stayed at 42,1% that twice bigger that history. By contrast, chemistry had the tiniest proportion at 14,1% which approximately half as many as physics and geography proportion at 34,6% and 30,4% respectively. (186)  
  
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Septia, I can see that you have successfully maintained a recommended writing pattern for IELTS task 1. Yet, you need to be careful in selecting the place for the test. If some of your friends take the actual test in the same place as yours, either you or your friends will be penalized due to memorizing / imitating someone's writing pattern. Therefore, it is suggested for you to take different place/time for the test to avoid this problem.  
  
However, some improvements are still needed in order to achieve a better score later on. First of all, there is no serious issues in the first paragraph. You only need to learn more about the difference between past perfect tense and past tense. In 2nd paragraph, I believe that in western, especially the United Kingdom, people use "period" instead of "comma" when writing percentage. So, 56.3% is correct, and 56,3% is not. Furthermore, if you want to achieve a high mark, 6 or above for Lexical Resource, try to not using "basic/beginner" words like "bigger". In the last paragraph, your sentence pattern is quite repetitive. Even though you have varied your words by using "respectively" and " successively" but the sentence pattern is merely the same. It is difficult to earn a high score in grammatical range and accuracy if you write repetitive sentence pattern.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Need my draft review, my weakness are grammars sometimes and run on sentences.  
  
A lot of people want to have a better life when they grow up. To be able to achieve this, it requires a good amount of educational background. Luckily, education has become easy to obtain because of the new ways of learning in school. The three types of colleges' bases on delivery of instruction are online, hybrid, and traditional face-to-face school.  
  
One of the ways to get an education is to take an online class. A lot of people always say that they don't have enough time to go to a traditional school because they have to make money for their family to live. It gives the students their own flexibility on their own free time. Some of these courses are self-guided and requires books to be bought online. This type of class may be confusing and hard at first, but if you get used to it, you will learn fast. This is very handy for those people who works a lot and cannot afford expensive traditional schooling.  
  
Traditional schooling is what we commonly used to learn all the time. It is a face-to-face lecture with a teacher, has assignments, and in-class activities. A lot of students chooses this kind of education because they can absorb more knowledge in class while making new friends. Students need to be on time in the class, and also has to finish all the activities to be able to pass this it. Hands on activity is the best way to learn. Traditional schooling will take much more of time because it requires studying during inside and outside of the class. Students need to be focus and have dedication to succeed. This way the professor can guarantee that students can learn more because of the atmosphere they are in.  
  
Someone who like to see your professor but also does not want to sit in class for a long time, a mixture of online and traditional schooling is the right class for them. Hybrid class has a little bit of traditional schooling mixed with some online class activities too. Usually teacher discusses inside the class and you do the work at home and send it online. If a student cannot understand something in the material, the student can ask the teacher in the class during lecture time. It gives students their flexibility and more understanding on the lesson that was given in class.
Reimarie, when you write an essay, you need to make sure that your opening statement reflects the important points of discussion in your essay. You must make sure that the discussion topic or the reason that you are writing the essay is something that the reader will easily understand and relate to. For example, in your opening statement, you indicated that it is easy to attain education these days due to the various types of schools available. However, there is no clear discussion point for the essay. The discussion point should be something similar to the following:  
  
*... face to face school. Even though these avenues of education are readily available to anyone who wishes to complete a college education, not everyone is aware that these types of schools exist. Most importantly, they don't realize that it is easier than ever for someone to find a school that meets his talents, interests, and abilities. This essay will compare the different types of schools and the kinds of students that potentially, opt to study in the institution.*  
  
By strengthening your opening statement, you end up created a better, more interesting, and highly informative discussion within the succeeding paragraphs of the essay.
hello @ica\_manalese,  
overall it is good writing and i really keen to read this passage.  
i have a little bit suggestion for you.. hopefully, it can help you.. beak a leg ((:  
  
A lot of people want to ~~realize~~realise their dreams ...  
However, this ~~endeavor~~endeavour requires hard work to...  
... programs anywhere and anytime when they want.  
... tool in education not only for ~~enrollment~~enrolment but most of all usages~~to use~~ for research through internet access.  
There are others of newly introduced technology ...  
Today there ~~arethree~~are three types of ~~delivery of instruction~~ delivering instruction for the ...  
... they have to work to ~~be able make~~ earn money for their family to live.  
  
... there are some issues about ~~socialization~~socialisation . Somepeople say that doing online classes ...  
... it possible to interact through email~~s~~ and social media. Students who need helps ~~with~~for their homework, (...), or need to do a group work that can always use email...
I have to point out that while the overall essay is informative and has a point, the basis for the discussion, or the thesis statement, as we call it in academic circles, doesn't really come across clearly in your opening statement. The first paragraph of a research paper is known as the thesis statement. This is the point where you explain the issue you are going to be researching about. Deliver the background of the issue and the topics that you will be discussing in an overview form. That way, the reader knows what the research is about and what the chronological discussion of things will be within the paper.  
  
I went through your first 3 paragraphs and did not get a whiff of the possible topic for discussion and the reason behind it. Yet, when I reached the fourth paragraph, there was the start of the research and discussion. How did that happen? Always make sure to introduce your topic to the reader before you launch into the discussion. Otherwise, you will have your reader scratching his head, wondering how the discussion started and what the point of it is supposed to be. Expect a low grade for your research paper when you do not start it off in the proper manner.
**Nowadays people buy a lot of unnecessary manufactured products. Is it a positive or negative development? What is the effect of this on the individual and the society?**  
  
In the modern century, citizen are enjoying the joy of shopping, regardless of their need or the product function. It is claimed that people are buying excessive goods blindly. The situation has created both positive and negative impact on either individual or the society. This essay will analysis the positive economic outcome followed by the discussion of negative impact on the environmental.  
  
The strong purchase power in the market has certainly helped the growth of the economic. With the demanding need, manufacturing company are encouraged to increase production with introducing new product. In order to meet the demand, company management might decide to expand the production line or hire more worker. Ultimately, the individual could continue having variety of shopping options while the society could be benefit from the lower unemployment rate.  
  
However, the overload unused products may cause some environmental impact, like landfill pollution and river pollution. It is considered that most of the manufactured goods are made of plastic, which is non-biodegradable. Those plastic products would have impact on the surrounding when they treated as rubbish. For instance, a plastic container will stay in the deep soil for decades, which has caused the land pollution. Besides that, manufactured products required a significant amount of natural resource such as petroleum or mineral, to be developed. Hence, mining activity, which is serious environmental pollution activity, are relatively increasing.  
  
In conclusion, the shopping behavior could develop opportunity for the business and increase the economic growth. Nevertheless, it have create challenges for the environment.
Hi,below through my advice for you.Feel free to correct my advice.  
1.~~citizen are~~ ( singular/plural problem) ---> citizen ( singular), are (to be for plural)  
2.Ultimately, the individual could continue having variety of shopping options while the society could be benefit from the lower unemployment rate. ---> In my viewpoint , **give more explanation how can it affect to the declining of jobless rate?) and give an example to make clear reader view.**  
  
3.~~environmental.~~ ---> environment  
4.However, the overload unused products may causesome environmental impact , like landfill pollution and river ---> (singular and plural mistake) pollution.
Hi keith, i will give you some suggestions  
  
*- your flow is quite good, but if you put your general statement about positive or negative development and the effect in your introductory paragraph, it will boost your score  
  
- consider to give your personal suggestion in your conclusion paragraph*  
  
citizen ~~are~~**is** enjoying the joy of shopping  
  
The strong ~~purchase~~**purchasing** power in the market has ...  
*noun phrase, consider to changing purchase (noun) into adjective*  
  
In conclusion, the shopping ~~behavior~~**behaviour** could develop ...  
  
Nevertheless, it ~~have~~**has**~~create~~**created****the** challenges ...
Writing 2  
  
In the past, numerous inventions was discovered by inventions, because that could change the world until now. We should give many achivements to inventors, such as Thomas Alfa Edison (inventor of electric) or Steve Jobs (chairman of apple company which produced several revolutionary product). Can you envisage if they didn't discovered, probably nowadays most of people don't have handphone or computer, even electric can't used by people.  
  
Although, doctor also essential for society, they have abilty who help someone. They treated someone for a disease. Everyone were needed a doctor especially when sick. However, inventors also have a roll to help doctor solving the problem particularly regarding health. Numerous facility, medicine, tools discovered by inventors, where doctor need it for cure someone.  
  
In my opinion, inventors is more important than doctor. It can be occurs because nowadays most of people who sick still at home because they have medicine or tools which make them healthy. Eventough, sometimes when they still sick or have dangerous diseases, perhaps they will go to hospital, and need doctor to treat them. Because, tools and medicine from apotics not enough for several diseases.  
  
In conclusion, inventors and doctor commonly important. They related each other. Both of them have divers ability. Doctor has ability and knowledge to treat someone who sick. On other hand, inventors has a intelligence for discover new inventions which usefull for human in the world.
Hi, below through my advice for you.  
1.Remember alvin, for academic purpose, you cannot make the word like when you are speaking.  
~~didn't~~ ---> did not  
~~don't~~ ---> do not  
2.A pple company ---> name of company  
3. Everyone ~~were needed~~ a doctor ---> passive, a doctor needs everyone?  
4.inventors has ~~a intelligence~~ for discover new inventions ... ---> intelligence is uncount , yu cannot add with article
In the past, numerous inventions ... ( INVENTION DISCOVERED INVENTION IT SOUND LIKE ORANGE EATS ORANGE I THINK THAT BETTER WHEN YOU CHANGE WITH THE INVENTION WAS DISCOVERED BY INVENTORS) ,  
  
We should give ~~many achivements~~ DID YOU MEAN WADGES/SALARY?? to inventors, such as (...) company which IS produce~~d~~ several revolutionary product).  
... nowadays most of people ~~don't~~ DO NOT have handphone or computer, even electric ~~can't~~ CANNOT BE used by people.
Hello, let me give my correction for you  
  
numerous inventions ~~was~~were(because the subject "inventions" is plural, so you must use "were" not "was")  
  
many ~~achivements~~achievements  
  
several revolutionary ~~product~~products(the word "several" indicate the plural)  
  
if they didn't ~~discovered~~discovere(because after did is V1)  
  
most of the people don't have handphone or computer, even electric can't ~~used~~use by people  
  
the doctor also (...), they have ~~abilty~~ability  
  
Everyone ~~were~~was needed (because the word "everyone" indicate singular subject, so you must use singular verb too)  
  
the inventors ~~has~~ have ~~a~~an intelligence for ~~discover~~discovering new inventions which ~~usefull~~useful for human in the world  
  
thank you
In the past, numerous inventions ~~was~~were discovered by inventions~~,~~here you do not need "comma" because that could ...  
We should give many ~~achivements~~achievements to inventors, such as Thomas ... Can you envisage if they didn't discovered [i think you should make it clearer. wanna make a question sentence or another else , probably nowadays the most of people don't have handphone ... pay attention about superlative usages and the article that should be used. furthermore, avoid for using reducing==> did'n==> did not
**Students Who Passed Their High School Competency Exams, by Subject and Gender in 2010/2011**  
  
A breakdown of the information about the students' achievement in the high school competency exams based on the lesson classifications and sexes between 2010 and 2011 is revealed by the bar chart. Overall, the girls hit the high point in computer science subjects during the period whereas mathematics was the biggest accomplishment for boys.  
  
To start with, in science subjects, computer science was the highest attainment for female students. It reached 56.3% in which it 14% larger than male students got. However, mathematics was the largest achievement for male students even though it was 1% lower than female students did. The rest subjects of science, physics and chemistry, were the high accession for girls.  
  
Meanwhile, in social subjects, many boys passed the exam in geography. They had 10% larger of girls, at 30.4%. Nevertheless, many girls passed the exam of the rest social subjects, history and foreign language, by around 3% and 1% larger than boys did. 157w  
  
*   
*bar chart*
Anna, you are suggested to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introductory part of your essay. It is unfortunate that you created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:  
  
*A breakdown of... (1st sentence)  
The values are measured in... (2nd sentence)  
Overall, it can be seen that the girls... (3rd sentence)*  
  
Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. This is why I suggest you to aim to write for at least 165 words minimum up to 190 words maximum.  
  
Hope this helps :)
1. Overall, the girls hit the high point ...  
------>Overall, the girls hit the highest point in computer science subject during the period whereas mathematics was the biggest accomplishment for boys.  
  
2. It reached 56.3% in which it 14% ...  
------>It reached at 56.3% which it 14% larger than male students got.  
  
3. However, mathematics was the largest achievement ...  
------>However, "mathematics" category was the largest achievement for male students even though it was 1% lower than female students did.  
  
4. The rest subjects of science, physics ...  
------->The rest subjects of science, "physics" and "chemistry" categories, were the highest accession for girls.  
  
5. They had 10% larger of girls, at 30.4%.  
---->They had 10% larger than girls at 30.4%.  
  
6. by around 3% and 1% larger than boys did.  
----->by around 3% and 1% larger than boys did respectively.
***Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion***  
  
In the recent decades, youth movement has developed significantly, especially throughout voluntary activities. As a result of that, there are many communities that require large amount of human resources, so they usually hold open recruitment for finding volunteers. It is common that people that join into communities are not paid, and I argue that it is greater rather than they work for money purposes.  
  
As already we know together, social communities have the primary goal for helping many people such as poverty, juvenile delinquencies, street children, orphanage, and others. So, most of their funding are used to reach their aim, not for their volunteer. It will bring negative effects to the volunteers if they are already promised to get salary of their work. They become less sincere, even it can reduce the money that actually must be donated for the other people. For instance, volunteer will be happy if they can get money from their work, but when the donation decreases, the amount of money that they get usually drops too, and it can influence their performance in that organizations.  
  
In contrast, if the adult youths that work in voluntary mission is already told that they will not get any paid, we can see their real sincerity. They are usually more militant and have pure purpose to develop their own community. As a result, the community's donation will be more enormous because all of the money is given to the people albeit it is maybe still used for volunteers' need such as meals, drinks, even their uniform, but it is greater than if they still must be paid. Moreover, their ultimately high sincerity will bring much happiness even have the greatest value in the god's eyes. Although that, it is good if maybe the money is still given for one of them that has the best working performance for appreciating purpose, and to motivate the others for serving the best work.  
  
To conclude that, people who work for the development of organizations should not be paid, because they occupy based on their sincerity and their kindness, so it will reduce the communities' spending and make it to be more developed.
Hallo faiz.. here my suggestion for you..  
  
It is common that people that (better you change it with who so that there is not repetition) join into (...), and I argue that it is greater rather ...  
  
In contrast, if the adult youths that work in voluntary mission is already told that (...), we can see ... (**subject verb agreement.. it must use are because the subject is plural)**  
  
Good luck
Hello Faiz, I think you writing is quite good. I will give you my correction. Feel free to correction me too.  
  
Please attention this:  
if you want to get good score in IELTS, I give you my tips for your writting.  
  
First, conciseness minimum 8 maximum 15 words per sentence) , second is cohesion (lideas, paragraph >> plan your writing and read the question carefully) Then, Coherence >>> your ideas should be easily understood by the reader, you must grouping your data and making separate paragraph. And don't forget you must write at least 250 words, and using uncommon vocabulary, spelling and idioms.
***The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009***  
  
A breakdown of expenditures' usage in some of countries of three continents in 2009 is depicted by using bar graph. Overall, housing had the most enormous average in four countries and also contained United States who had the greatest value among all. Meanwhile, Health placed as the smallest grade among all, even had the United Kingdom that had the tiniest percentage. In addition, clothing's spending was almost same in four countries.  
  
It is clear that all countries' inhabitants spent most of their salaries for their home. The United States positioned as the top among all at more than 25%. It was followed by the United Kingdom, Japan, and Canada, and each of them still hit more than 20%. Then, Japan became the largest state that used their money for meals. It was shown by the percentage at about 23%, while the United States that had the biggest percentage before, placed as the lowest in food at just below 15%.  
  
Next, transportation had the highest value in Canada at 20% while the lowest was Japan at half of it. In the last position, it was placed by health care and clothing. Each of them had different country who placed as the largest. While the first one was placed by the United States at about 7%, the second one was positioned by Japan at lower by 1% compared with before. It also can be seen that people that spent their money for clothing almost same that was proven by the small different between all countries that no more than 3% respectively.  
  
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