dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Here is my essay. Can you give me some feedback and possible score I may get. Thank you!  
  
## influencing people to do their best at work

  
  
**Getting promotion is one of the biggest drives for people to apply themselves and work hard in the modern workplace.  
Why do you think people are so driven to get promotion?  
What other factors influence people to work hard?**  
  
In the modern workplace, people are hard-working and make a great deal of effort to take promotion opportunities. There are some main reasons why they attempt to get the higher positions. However, there are also other elements that make them so energetic in their working.  
  
People try their best to step up the ladder because of some obvious reasons. Job security is one of the advantages in a higher position that they are less likely fired when companies need to reduce the workforce. Besides, they have the power in making decisions and managing the tasks and staff which means they can arrange their own schedule and have more freedom. Promotion also provides higher payments, bonuses and other benefits such as private business trips in company's jets and access to some luxury places that they cannot have in the lower positions.  
  
There are other factors affecting the hard-working level of people in this era. When people find out the career they love, they tend to have high performance because that job is their passion and doing it makes them feel happy and fulfilled. Moreover, some companies know the method to motivate their staff to work hard through recognition and celebration success. In other words, people will receive monetary incentives and other rewards when performing effectively in their work which helps them feel appreciated and valued.  
  
In conclusion, nowadays people work hard and strive to gain promotion owing to some key reasons and also other factors. Getting a higher position gives them opportunities to have job security, power in decision-making and better salaries with other benefits. Their passion in the job and motivation in success can also encourage them to dedicate to the jobs.
When an essay prompt asks you direct questions, you are expected to outline your discussion process or reasons within the prompt paraphrase. This will help the examiner test if you truly understood the prompt and, if you have the ability to properly develop a response to a direct question. Your paraphrase presentation is not really responsive to the prompt discussion questions. Basically, your restatement doesn't really deliver any clear version of the original topic and response to the questions. So, the paraphrase will not help you gain a higher score in terms of the TA requirements.  
  
The reasoning paragraphs offer several reasons in response to the question. However, you failed to properly thresh out any of the reasons. So all you did was present under developed discussion points. Your presentation needs more supporting facts, whether imaginary or truthful. Focus on developing a single reason per paragraph instead of 2 connected reasons within one paragraph. That way you clearly explain your point of view in the presentation paragraphs.  
  
Due to the discussion error, I will not be scoring your essay at the moment. I am using this essay to tell you what your first problem is when it comes to addressing the task. There are several problems:  
  
- Lack of clear paraphrase  
- Lack of direct question response  
- Under developed reasoning paragraphs  
  
These are the points that you should improve upon within your next practice essay. If I see any improvement in the next essay, I will definitely score your essay.
Hello everyone, this is my first attempt to do the IELTS Writing Task 1 and I would be really appreciated if you guys can give me feedbacks and the possible band score.  
  
Thank you so much!  
**Task**  
  
## IELTS WRITING TASK 1: Birth rates of China and USA

  
  
The line graph indicates how the birth rates of China and the USA fluctuated from 1920 to 2000.  
Overall, the birth rates of both nations decreased over the period of 80 years. Although the two trends were similar in terms of a general decline, the fertility of the USA was higher than that of China in most years.  
  
From 1920 to 1935, the birth rate in America fluctuated considerably, although it always remained above 10%. However, in the following decade, the American birth rate reached its bottom of under 5%. In the 1945-1950 period, the figure for the USA increased significantly to 15%, which was its highest rate over the period of 80 years. During the remainder of the period, there was a gradual decline in the USA birth rate, which fell to 7% by the year 2000.  
  
Over the same period, the birth rate in China varied more significantly than in the USA. It dropped to and remained 5% from 1940 to 1945, before reaching its peak of 20% in 1950. By contrast, in the next five years, the figure declined rapidly to 8%. Similar to the USA, China experienced a gradual decrease in birth rate from 1955 to 2000, which dropped to 2% in 2000. (207 words)  
  
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You have some coma misuses in complex sentences:  
**"... considerably~~,~~  although ..." , "... 1940 to 1945~~,~~  before ..."**  
  
Overall, your writing is quite clear. You have succeeded in using descriptive phrases for this kind of graph. However, you need more complex sentence structures. For example, instead of using verbs like *fluctuated, increased, dropped, remained, etc*., try using their nouns: ~~fluctuation, increase, etc.~~ . Take this one as an example:  
  
However, ~~in~~ the following decade witnessed a plunge in the US birth proportion, with its figure being under 5%"
The first thing that looks a little strange is that neither the task nor the graph provides the units for birth rates. I see you used percentage, I am not saying it is a mistake, but there is no indication that it is percentages. Usually, birth rates are measured in births per 1000 population, but yet again, here no measure units at all, strange. Hope the contributor can clarify what units to use, if any, in such cases.  
  
**fluctuated considerably, although it always remained above 10%.** above 10% is a little vague, you can use "remained between 10% and 15%" to indicate the upper limits too.  
  
**which fell to 7% by the year 2000** I think it should be in the past perfect "which had fallen to 7% by the year 2000"
## punishment as a lesson?

  
  
Moral principles have played an important role in human lives. Many people believe it is even more vital for the young to distinguish right and wrong and punishment should be applied for ethical lessons. I agree with this opinion to a certain extent, this education method is somewhat effective to the youngsters  
  
Kids are always active and curious about things, that the reason why they can't stand staying at one place but moving around. This particular feature combining with their less knowledge may result in a range of mistakes. Hence, parents and educators have to find ways to retrain their behavior and apparently, punishment is the best choice. Those naughty children are too young and conservative to figure out some prohibition which is applied for their safe, in this case, punishment will show its efficience. To be more precise, being punished will leave strong negative emotion for the offspring, consequently, their memories of bad feeling will prevent them to make the same mistake.  
  
Training children in right way is of profuse importance as well. In my opinion, violence should never be allowed. Physical punishment may force our offspring to do our demands but not leave any ethical moral to them and even make them more objective. From my perspective, giving the children reward when they do right then taking it back if they do not obey is the true method. Human, especially kids do have the stereotype of having more, not losing, for this reason, our children are supposed to manage to get reward and to avoid losing their properties, resulting in their obedience. Gradually, they may get habit of doing right thing and feel responsible to behave well.  
  
In conclusion, youngsters need training ethical principles and adults need to know how to teach them. Beating is nowadays not encouraged because of its negative impacts on psychological growth. Instead, parents should spend time explaining or making reward for their kids's manner
Next time you should attach the writing prompt. That way people would be able to know what its requirements are and could tell if you are going on the right track. According to your writing, i assume this is the opinion kind of essay.  
  
The majority problem of your essay is academic vocabulary and structure. You are lacking of topic vocabulary and using words that are not academic, some of your sentences are quite speaking-like, which will reduce your point on lexical resource and grammar criteria. For example, **Kids are always active and curious about things, that the reason why they can't stand staying at one place but moving around** => this is not how people write in academic essays.  
  
Action plan number 1 for you is reading more model essays to understand the academic style, then, try to work on your vocabulary. Good luck!
It appears that you totally misunderstood the original prompt for this essay. The discussion pertains to the necessity of teaching children right from wrong. Your response is incorrect as it it a non-response to the given question. "To a certain extent" does not depict a true measurement of your extent response. A true measurement decides only between an agree or disagree measurement. Your essay will be seen as not having a real opinion and be scored down considerably because of it. There is no middle of the aisle measurement in this instance. Pick one side and defend it in the essay.  
  
Your essay fails to depicts what sort of punishment the parents and teachers should give in order to correct bad behavior in children. So your essay response is not fully developed either. While your response may be based on your knowledge, the scoring potential for the essay would have been increased if you have used relevant examples from your own experience in relation to the discussion suggestion as to how parents and teachers should teach children right from wrong.
Hi everyone, by this thread, I want to ask for some advices on the writing timing: I am a slow writer, usually it takes me an hour or more to finish a task 2 essay. Apart from practicing more, what else should I do? How do you manage to have a high score essay within short timing?  
  
Kindly give me a detailed band score, and any grammar, punctuation or sentencing fixes.  
Thank you to all.  
  
## the importance of dress-code vs productivity at work

  
  
**Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
*WORD COUNT: 279*  
  
It is argued by some companies that the dress-code of their employees should reflect their bright values. Whereas, others believe that work productivity is more desirable. While I agree that the level of output is crucial to an organization, in my opinion, appearance is not less important.  
  
On the one hand, the skillful and dedicated services of the workforce are the key to the success of one company, not the physical outlook. In that regard, the job satisfaction of employees should be well-cared. As a thought, some organizations, such as Facebook or Google, promote free dress-code within their institutions. This policy allows workers to enjoy their freedom of choices and may sense the respect that the company offers. Many managers believe that wearing favorable clothes will eventually motivate individuals to work harder and improve the company's performance.  
  
On the other hand, many organizations do business directly with their customers. As a result, the appearance of their staffs cannot be lightly weighted and should be professionally managed. For instance, employees at most retail shops are required to dress neatly and formally to greet buyers. A seller's image is the representation of his company, therefore, may influence the business and its prospect. Besides that, even internal staffs should wear suitable clothes. An appropriate clothing manner prepares a person for a successful job prospect, or potential career progression by creating great impressions with higher-ranking managers or colleagues.  
  
In conclusion, it may depend on a company's belief or its way of doing business that the value of physical appearance varies. Working productivity indeeds valuable to any organizations. However, I think that outlook of one individual is meaningful and should always be regarded properly.
The first thing you have to learn is how to outline an essay so that you can write faster. You don't have to write a long essay, just a proper length essay that will allow you discuss the outlined points in a quick manner. The original prompt for this essay can be outlined as follows:  
  
Topic: Some organisations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance.  
Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Extra Points: include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
  
After dividing the prompt into sections, you now focus on the discussion topics per paragraph:  
  
Topic Sentence 1: employees should dress smartly  
Reason: Dressing smartly gives employees confidence  
Example: Dressing well allows employees to present themselves smartly  
Reason: Confidence is a mental state derived from the look of a person  
  
Topic Sentence 2: Work quality is more important.  
Reason: Dressing smartly doesn't mean an employee is competent  
Example: A construction worker does not dress well but clients do not mind  
Reason: He is judged by the quality of his work  
  
Just quickly outline your thoughts during the 10 minute brainstorm and outlining process. Work on the specifics as you write the draft. That way you will write faster. Outline first, write next.  
  
I do not want you to worry about your timing for now. Believe it or not, as you improve your English vocabulary, your writing skills will also improve, and along with that, your writing speed. You can't rush your writing time. It will develop naturally for you. Just remember to always practice writing using a timer. The timer will be the indicator of the improvement of your writing time every time you write a practice essay.
Hi @Ptp03,  
- Your arguments are very persuasive that can pull readers to your side.  
- Honestly, I learnt a lot from your wide vocabulary range. Thank you!  
  
There is only 1 problem that I must state: your essay is too long. In IELTS W2, you should only write from 260 to 290 words in order to have sufficient time to write and error-checking. Remember, you only have 40 minutes.
The third reasoning paragraph is unnecessary since you are not being asked to discuss the possible drawbacks, repercussions, or opposite point of view in the essay. That is the reason why you over discussed the topic and ended up with an extremely long essay. Though informative and on track with its defense of your point of view, you should not be presenting information that is not required in the essay.  
  
If you add information that isn't part of the original prompt, you end up creating a prompt deviation which sends your essay into non required territory. It does not add to your score. Instead, it could create points deductions because you altered the prompt discussion topic from the original. It is always best for you to stick to the given topic only. Make sure to check the prompt requirements after you draft your essay so that you an delete the parts that do not matter or are not required in the discussion.  
  
There are several errors in your essay that prevents me from giving you a score this time. I normally don't score essays at first because I need to familiarize myself with your writing style and shortcomings in writing. I always give the student a chance to correct his errors before I come to a possible score using the 2nd essay. I hope you don't mind that policy of mine. Anyway, on to your errors:  
  
Spelling:  
transfering - transferring  
  
Grammar:  
Transactional activities - activity (Banks inform per transaction to it is a singular reference)  
  
Clarity:  
State of the art - ultramodern (use more current vocabulary whenever possible)  
In an era that witnesses... - In an era that sees  
purchasing - buying  
By utilizing - using  
  
Conciseness:  
considerably simplified - simplified (remove terms of uncertainty in an opinion essay)  
definitely fitting - fitting ( be precise in your presentation)  
possible spectres - spectres  
the majority of banking companies - most banking ...  
  
Clarity:  
not required - not needed  
  
Punctuation:  
frauds, and - the comma adds clarity and separation to the statement  
convenient , and  
  
Vocabulary  
different sources - various sources ( use better adjectives for more impact to your writing and presentation)
## IELTS 1 - co2 emissions

  
  
TOPIC: THE GRAPH BELOW SHOWS AVERAGE CARBON DIOXIDE (CO2) EMISSIONS PER PERSON IN THE UNITED KINDOM, SWEDEN, ITALY AND PORTUGAL BETWEEN 1967 AND 2007.  
  
The line graph illustrates the changes in the emission of carbon in four countries in the period from 1967 to 2007.  
  
Although the emissions of CO2 in the United Kingdom were the highest among the four countries, the figure saw a slight decrease from 1967 to 2007, while those in Sweden reached a peak at over 10 tonnes per person in 1977 and then fell markedly to about 7 tonnes in 1987 before going down to less than 6 tonnes in 2007.  
  
With regard to the other two countries, the carbon dioxide emissions trend in Italy and Portugal were similar. The figure in Italy rose from above 4 tonnes in 1967 to under 8 tonnes in 2007, while that in Portugal started at only about 1 tonnes to nearly 5 tonnes in the final year, which was at the same level as that in Sweden.  
  
Overall, it can be seen that the carbon dioxide emissions in the United Kingdom and Sweden declined eventually, while those in Italy and Portugal were on the rise.
Hi, there :)  
I think it's better to put your overview into your intro paragraph. That way, you can have more than one sentence in a paragraph. Also be careful on run-on sentences. Getting some practice in using punctuation wouldn't hurt :) For example in your first body paragraph, you only have a sentence there for a paragraph. Some people will need more effort to understand a really long sentence. Instead of a comma, I think a period can be used after "...the four countries,..." so it can be rewritten into "...were the highest among the four countries. The figure saw...".  
  
I do have such problem myself but I hope this still helps. Oh, perhaps you should attach the figure that you wrote the report for next time. That way people can point out things that you missed (if any) or any other improvement you can make. Cheers :)
Hello everyone, below is my writing on the topic of Animals.  
Comments on IELTS marking criteria and estimated band score are sincerely welcomed!  
  
Thank you very much for your time and support!  
  
***ANIMAL TOPIC: More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list.*  
## What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?**  
  
[i]WORD COUNT: 278/i]  
  
Nowadays, it is alarming that the lives of many species of animals on Earth are being seriously threatened, some have even been oppressed to non-existence. Numerous reasons contribute to this problem, whereas human holds the highest accountability. This essay will put forward some notable causes and suggest potential ways to tackle the issues.  
  
Most of the negative impacts on animals are caused by human activities. Firstly, smokes and manufacturing wastes from factories around the world have caused serious environmental destruction. The air, land, and water qualities that all living beings share get heavily affected. It is evident that unlike the human, many vulnerable species cannot endure such extreme conditions. Secondly, since cities and farming areas constantly expand due to overpopulation, the home to myriad wild lives shrink in size. These two major issues are enough to jeopardize the existence of many creatures.  
  
Nevertheless, there are several ways that countries can protect wild lives. A possible solution is that governments can designate areas for nature reserves. These carefully protected territories have a fine ecosystem that can cultivate and allow the many animal populations to thrive. To provide another direct solution, Chinese authorities once chose mates and manual aided the reproductions of pandas and rare elephants. At the time, these actions were vital to maintaining the continuation of these animals. Additionally, in regards to the effects of industrialization and urbanization, countries must impose stricter regulations to ensure sustainable growth. These controls are essential for long-term benefits.  
  
The endangerment of many wild-life animals is real. Human is responsible for many of the reasons why this issue occurs. Hence, all countries should marshal their powers to revise the Earth's balance biosphere.
Hi jhhh11!  
Your writing is clearly written  
I just wanna provide you some vocab relating to this topic hope they can inspire you more!:)  
You may say human acts upset ecological balance, cause loss of habitat, if ecological equlibrium cannot be restored, the wildlife habitat is permanently damged and irreversible.  
  
You can also say urban sprawl for urban expansion  
For the solutions, you may mention setting up a buffer zone between cities and forests and carry out deforestation or having country park:)
In truth, the way that you wrote the essay does not really offer clarity in the discussion. You are being asked for specific reasons and solutions. Yet, upon close scrutiny of your response paragraphs, there are only alleged reasons, without any underlying supporting statements. There are no examples to validate your proposed causes. That makes the presentation little developed, regardless of the reasons you proposed.  
  
When indicating the cause, you should always include an example of what species was affected. For example, you could have said that incessant clearing of the forest and the burning of trees for urban development caused the Pandas to lose their natural habitat. That this act brought the species close to extinction. Further explain what effects these acts had on the Pandas that required their rescue and declaration as a protected species.  
  
Such a developed explanation would have heavily supported your explanation that the government had to protect the species from extinction by breeding them and creating protected habitats. These are the perceived solutions to the immediate problem. The problem and example of the problem must related directly to your solutions because the coherence of the essay will rely on the connected discussion presentation from the first to the next paragraph.  
  
I believe that your work is good but needs more clarity and coherence work. So I rate your work a 6 overall. Work on the coherence of the explanations so that you can increase your writing level and fall under a higher band score.