dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@vupu65130 There are a number of informative elements missing from your essay. The first, is the meaning of a viral video. What is the history of the word? How was it coined? What does it mean when a video goes viral? Most importantly, why is it the ambition of every person who makes an uploaded video to make that said piece of film go viral? What does kind of pleasure or sense of accomplishment does one get when a video goes viral? What are the reasons that one should aim to make the video viral and most importantly, should one really consider it an honor to have his video go viral? If yes, then why? Those are the questions that will help to enhance the meaning of a viral video and why it is important for most people that a video go viral. It is not enough to explain what makes the video go viral. It is also important to inform the reader as to the reasons why this trend of going viral is something that video makers ambition for.  
  
Please have your essay professionally proofread before you submit it. That is after you make revisions to the content. There are a number of wrong vocabulary words in use such as mine when you meant to say mind and, in this era of developed information access, not information developed. A host of other errors exist in your sentence development but it would be futile to address those mistakes at this point because you have to revise the content of your essay. Please make sure that you proof read and edit the essay after you have finalized the content. These are the aspects of grading that could lower your final score.
## expedintures in a british school

  
  
A breakdown of information concerning the proportion of money (in percentage) spent on a particular school in the United Kingdom in three different years selected (1981, 1991 and 2001) is exhibited in the pie charts. It is noticeable that teachers' salaries, furniture and equipment, and insurance showed an ascending trend, while other workers' salaries and resources witnessed a descending trend. In addition, the school in UK spent more on teachers' salaries compared to other expenditures, while insurance had the smallest percentage of expenditure.  
  
A more detailed look at the charts reveals that approximately 40% money was allocated to teacher budget in 1981, and this number showed the largest proportion compared to other budget. The number increased slightly after reaching a peak of a half percentage in 199, rising to 45% in 2001. Furthermore, Furniture and insurance expenditure inclined gradually, the former rose from 15% to 23%, while the latter climbed by 6% between 1981 and 2001. In stark contrast, the figure for Insurance is responsible to the lowest proportion over the period.  
  
Moving to the rest expenditures, two figures witnessed a downward trend. Figure for other workers' salaries showed a gradual decrease, declining from 28% to 15%. Similarly, the figure for books budget went down gradually between 15% and 9% from 1981 to 2001, a decrease of 6% in 20 years.  
  
Note: due to measuring my score, apart from an helpful comment, please to give a possible detailed feedback and to score for different part, thank you.  
  
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@ppbbjakarta An analysis essay does not place important information within parenthesis. Information such as the years for analysis and the measurement type are always presented as part of the normal presentation because these are not optional information. These are the foundation information that your analysis is taking from and should be highlighted in the presentation of the opening paraphrase. The opening paraphrase / summary that you presented is right on the mark. Except, you forgot to include the thesis statement at the end. That is the paraphrase of the instruction sentence from the original prompt. Bear in mind that in the task 1 essay, it is assumed that the reader will not have access to the original prompt and therefore, needs a complete summary of the upcoming information and other important data for the creation of the analytical report. That said, your TA score will be based on your opening statement. The work that you did in that section tells me that your score for this would be a 5 at the most.  
  
The presentation of the body of paragraphs should have been allotted for the presentation of the different measurements per pie chart. One paragraph per chart, with the 4th paragraph reserved for the comparison of similar information as indicated by the original prompt. Since the pie charts do not share similar information, the best method of comparison in this scenario would have been to allot the remaining 4 paragraphs for a similarity analysis based upon individual criteria. It should have been one comparison paragraph each for insurance, teacher's salaries, furniture and equipment, resources, and other worker's salaries. The trending statement should have represented the more noticeable trend in the presentation, which would have helped you to stay within the 4 paragraph presentation for the essay.  
  
That said, your choice of presentation is selective in presentation and also contains significant typographical errors that would have resulted in confusion for the reader (199 instead of 1991), so your C&C and GRA scoring would be a 4 because of the lack of clear progression in the discussion of information and inattention to important details in the presentation.  
  
As far as your LR score is concerned, I believe it would earn you a 5 because of the way that you used only minimally advanced English words. The sentences you produced were enough to get the presentation done, but did not really help to convince the examiner that you have the English vocabulary to help you create an intricately presented analysis paper to the reader.  
  
Good work though. The essay is a good effort. You show potential in your work which leads me to believe that you should be able to prepare for this test in a reasonable amount of time.
HuJun, a movie review must be made with an academic consideration. Your essay reeks of lack of professionalism, your frustration at having to write a paper about something you know nothing about, and your desire to simply get over with the assigned work. That shows tremendous disrespect for your reader, specially your closing comment of "Ok. That's all.". That is so disrespectful that it is tantamount to you saying "Get out of here!" If you did not want to write the paper, then it would have been better if you had not written anything at all, rather than having such a disrespectful tone throughout the essay. You must change your tone to a respectful, academic representation of your work if you wish to have the reader consider you not familiar with the topic of the film, but still trying to do your best to present a good enough movie review for it.  
  
Having seen this movie myself, I can tell you that it is not a movie without an ending. In fact, the ending shows that Neiman won his musical showdown with his teacher as his teacher stopped at the end and the film faded to black with Neiman still playing on the drums. The ending is clear. He beat the abusive teacher at his own game. His character in the movie is strong and knows how to get what he wants. He had no distractions and anything or anyone that serves to distract him, can be discarded immediately.  
  
What slant did you plan to use for the review? Was it a comparison of characters based on strengths and weaknesses? That is what I think you tried to do here. Unfortunately, you did not compare the characters point by point, using similarities that are clear in the film (both are headstrong and refuse to be beaten by the other) so your review was not really accurate.  
  
You have to focus the review on a particular comparison point or theme in the essay in order to make it more effective. Your current presentation lacks a concentration on a discussion point, which is why it is confusing to read (aside from your many grammatical errors that cause stress on the reader), and doesn't really make a point at the end of the discussion.
## IELTS Writing task 1 practice

  
  
The charts have provide the general picture and percentage about weight of residents who live in Charlestown in 1955 and 2015.  
  
The percentage of ideal was the most popular weight in 1955.Only those aged 40-49, 50-59 and 60-69 had a few percentage of obesity.There were a shape increasing of overweight and obesity, especially those aged 60-69.  
  
There were a huge percentage of ideal in different age groups in 1955.Those aged 20-29 were the healthiest one.There were only the percentage of underweight, ideal and overweight which were around 30%, 65% and 5% respectively.  
  
There were an increase of obesity among different age groups in 2015.Those aged 60-69 had the most serious obesity problem. The percentage of obesity among 60-69 age was 60%, but the percentage of ideal was around 5%.  
  
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Carol, the information in this chart is incomplete and inaccurate. It does not properly inform the reader, neither does it represent the percentages as marked in the charts. The overall presentation does not qualify itself as a reliable representation or report based upon the given chart information. In the opening summary, a number of important information is not represented. The missing information can be listed as follows:  
  
1. Type of chart presented  
2. Measurements used  
3. Information represented by the measurements  
4. Trending statement  
5. Discussion instruction  
  
You will not get a good score in the C&C portion as your paragraph sentences are inconsistent. You need to present at least 3 sentences consistently per paragraph. You vary from 2 -3 and that is unacceptable. It is important to have a uniform presentation that represents the type of analysis that you used to represent the chart information. The comparisons need to be on a year to year basis per paragraph in order for the analytical report to have been presented in an accurate form.  
  
Since this is the first essay that you have posted for Task 1 in this forum, you may wish to look at the other examples here, just to get an idea of how to best represent your succeeding test essays. By the way, please make sure to include the complete prompt requirement the next time you post an essay for review so that I can offer you a more direct and relevant review of your work. What I have given you at this point is just a general review as it applies to the superficial presentation. I have not reviewed the information you presented because you did not include the original prompt and that is normally what I use as the basis for the content review of the essay.
@carol326  
According to band descriptor, in term of Task Achievement, to gain 5.0 more you have to depict an overview with information appropriately selected.  
In stark contrast in this essay, it lacks in overview.  
Also, you did not cover task response to write at least more than 150 words. You should be aware regarding this.  
  
Repetition your sentence pattern such as There were a huge percentage of ideal = There were an increase of obesity among different age groups in 2015.  
  
I strongly suggest to try other forms, for instance,  
"2015 experienced an increase of obesity among different age groups"  
  
Apart from the language of comparison, perhaps, you might present in chronological order. This because the table present two different year in the same figure from 1955 to 2015.
Help me in the grammar and overall style. It's a leadership summit.  
## Why you want to attend the leadership summit?

  
  
For many decade the women have suffered from injustice, Enslavement, and marginalization. But at the same time if we looked at the history we will find agreat women changed the world and the future of the women. They fought against their community wrong beliefs about the woman by sacrifice their lives to prove to the humanity that they equal to the men. Charlotte Bronte one said " I am no bird; and no net ensnare me: I am a free human being with an independent will". There for achieving this goals of those women is not an option for me. The truth that we all believe in is death, but there is another truth we should belive in which is we all just human whatever is our gender. When I volunteered in the last summer in a campaign called HEA in ( country ). Our main goal is to raise the awareness of teenage girls about the disadvantages of early marriage. The people in ( country) beliefs that when the girl reaches puberty, she must get married and live as a servant to her husband for the rest of her life. I felt so sad when I found that there were not any girls' school in entire villages. So we went to many houses, family health care centers and market places to just speak to those girls and tell them about the life they deserve not the life that imposed on them by their community false beliefs. Positively, a few girls interacted with us by asking questions or discussing some ideas. From this experience pushed me to expand my horizon of knowing new things bigger than my life. Communicating with those people have taught me how to see the world from different perspectives. There for attending this conference will motivate me to continuo work towards my vision of living in an equal world. It will allow me to share my beliefs and my thoughts with other girls to help each other to creat a better future for all of us.
Nagham , this is not a proper explanation essay as to why you wish to attend this summit. Since you are limited by a word requirement, you will need to write a totally new response to the question. This time, you need to better explain how your objectives with regards to alleviating the plight of the women in your country ties in directly with the summit. Consider what the theme of the summit is this year. Then think of what the objectives of the foundation or organization that is mounting the summit are. Think about the relevance of these information to your ultimate goal or objective in terms of helping the women in your country. Consider what benefits you will gain from attending the summit in terms of networking assets of enlightening others about the plight of human rights inequality in the country you come from. Discuss those in the essay. These are the correct answers to the question being posed. These will be the reasons why you want to attend and why it is imperative that you participate in this summit.
*A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.*  
  
## Money Became the Measure of Everything

  
  
It is inevitable that some people strongly consider more social conditions and worldly goods rather than good characters such as trust and honor when they meet others today. In this case, personally, I agree with this notion and will explain with several relevant examples in this essay.  
  
Firstly, one major issue is perhaps caused by lacking in old-fashioned values due to money-oriented attitude. In the recent days, people tend to take social qualities into account ranging from how much they have money, cars, and homes to even jet planes. This affects their pivotal decision regarding their future like a marriage. In Indonesia, for example, person wanting to marry will look and choose wisely her bridegroom by considering at how much money and homes. Last information, The Jakarta Post - an English of Newspaper, reveals that a young female get married an older man who had 3 cars and 5 houses. By this meaning that the bride has avoided the important values such as good looking, trust and kindness because she prefer to person who has valuable possessions.  
  
Turning to another reason, having a great status is truly respected more rather than good personalities in measuring a person's worth. This results in their considerations in political election, for instance, where the majority of people believe more in candidates who have high social status like elite-generating candidate such as police compared to those who have a moral credibility in society as well as leadership like imam, a person leading people in mosque. It seems that people prefer modern-statues value to old-fashioned value.  
  
Take everything into account, people living in modern world objectively judge measure others using the number of material possession and the social statues.
The essay does not follow the correct requirements for the original prompt. The instruction prompt for this essay indicates:  
  
*To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
This being an extent essay, means that you need to use emotional words to describe your opinion. Words like strongly, partially, and considerably, among others, help to evoke a sense of the degree by which your opinion carries your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The supporting examples will be used to reiterate that opinion through a series of supporting statements of commonly known facts.  
  
Speaking of commonly known facts, the essay prompt asks you to base your defense of your singular opinion ( as required to be discussed in this essay) on your personal knowledge or experience regarding the given information. That said, the method by which you provide examples and supporting information in the essay is incorrect. By stating that the writer needs to use examples based on personal (own) knowledge and experience, the examples from the newspaper will automatically disqualify your essay from receiving a high score in terms of task accuracy. That is because your response is not based on personal information but rather, upon research. You will not be allowed to use research in the actual test setting because the test computers will be on internet lock down.  
  
Each paragraph should not be more than 5 sentences in response. You will need to learn how to use the following format for each body paragraph:  
  
1. Topic sentence  
2. Explanation 1  
4. Explanation 2  
5. Example  
  
That is the best method by which to present your responses. Do not use tremendously long sentence that will qualify as a run-on sentence. Do not rely on using commas to connect separate thoughts either. You will end up presenting incoherent sentences that way. You made that mistake in the opening statement, and the concluding statement. The 5 sentence rule applies in both instances. The rule of thumb is, no less than 3, no more than 5 sentences per paragraph.  
  
That said, this is a good first effort, but you require further guidance in the proper presentation format and tightening of the sentence presentations in order to gain a high mark for this essay. You have the potential to gain at least a score of 8 in your presentations. You just need to practice and apply corrections in order to improve your presentation. You show that you understand the prompt to a certain extent, you need to familiarize yourself with the different discussion formats for the Task 2 essay in order to understand the correct approach to the discussion. Try to read the examples here, that will help you understand the different essay requirements for this test.
*Crime rate, in most countries, is often higher in urban areas than in rural areas.  
Why do you think that is? What can be done to solve the crime rate?*  
  
## Cities are more dangerous

  
  
Crime issues have been in the society since human existence. Additionally, the numbers of people committed crimes in the cities are significant than in the countryside. I believe that is because of the percentage of the population distributed inadequately between these areas. Further, surveillance should be fully employed regarding this matter.  
  
The populations in many cities are far too higher than in the countryside. Indeed, city capitals tend to attract diverse people to come and settle for various purposes. Some people might experience difficulties while they live abroad such as financial problems. These hurdles force them to perpetrate crimes in order to maintain their livelihood in another country. Whereas in the countryside, the weaker economy in contrast to the city capitals have had people reconsider the settlement. Thus, less dense areas with a lower population in countryside resulting fewer crimes.  
  
In order to put an end to crimes, the government should take the initiative by installing surveillance across the cities. When every corner of the streets is being monitored by the police, perpetrators would afraid to commit any crimes. Even if they determined to do so, the national forces would arrest them eventually. This systematic design would operate twenty-four hours regardless of its days and nights. Hence, this method acts as an effective solution as well as a strong deterrent to its criminals.  
  
To recapitulate, highly populated areas as if city capitals have surely favored the opportunities for crimes to raise. In which some people faced many immediate issues with no solutions but to be perverted themselves in offending. Therefore, a closed and advanced surveilling system should be in place for citizens safety.  
  
Words: 274  
  
I adjusted my methods of practicing according to your advice last time. It would be a great help if you can score my essay and advise me on improvements. Thank you!
Additionally(this conjunction is not proper in this situation) the numbers of...  
the number(singular) of people ... cities is significant(more) than ...  
... distributed unequally(wrong word) between these areas.  
  
The population(again, singular)in many cities are far larger than ...  
... and settle for various purposes(You mentioned various purposes here, but in your following argument, you only discussed financial problems).(it is not relevant to talk about city capitals, it is about urban city and rural areas)  
  
In order to put an end to crimes(is this really possible? Consider"For decreasing the crime rate as much as possible")  
perpetrators wouldbe afraid to ...  
  
Even if they determined(why do you use past tense) to do so  
  
... twenty-four hours regardless of its days and nights.(this means the same as 24 hours)  
  
In which(this cannot lead a new sentence, in most cases, in which follows with noun+comma) some people ...