dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please give me some feedback on my essay. I'm preparing for my IELTS exam and getting stuck on this. I'll be very grateful for your help, Thanks in advance.  
  
IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Homework  
  
Prompt: Some people believe that school children should not be given homework by their teachers, whereas others argue that homework plays an important role in the education of children.  
  
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.  
Essay:  
  
It's frequently thought that homework wastes lots of time for children's growth, however, there're proponents who believe that the at-home assignments are a crucial way for the students to improve themselves. In my view, as I'll be arguing both, without homework, kids may miss several advantages of that, however, they will receive benefits more than that.  
  
On one hand, homework is a way children can study at home with the teacher's instructions at school. Except for knowledge retention, there's a few nonacademic benefit pupils can get from assignments. To demonstrate, schoolchildren can develop their time management skills, get a preference place to learn, and teachers can keep track of progress how pupils absorb curricula. Nevertheless, survey after survey, dubiously, the jury is still out on whether homework gets improvements. For example, it encourages a sedentary lifestyle and cheating on multiple levels. Moreover, excess homework leads kids to sleep deprivation, being burnt out, and home sometimes is anything but a good environment for studying. Hence, I conclude that assigning homework for young learners at school is not a good method from all perspectives.  
  
On the other hand, I think kids have more time for improving themselves if they aren't enforced to do homework. Pupils can impede time for being stress, anxious due to doing numerous assignments at school and home. Furthermore, they have more time for creating endeavors, contributing to character development and overall health. For instance, without homework, children might be able to play video games, sports, hang out with friends, or spend time with family. They could have more time for learning useful soft skills, favorite subjects, and seeking a vocational career as well. Although kids maybe not diligent or disciplined in their studying, I still believe it's worth being.  
  
In summary, I appreciate it if schools would ban homework. Homework has specific benefits, on the contrary, the advantages of not being given homework far outweigh that.  
  
(4 paragraphs, 318 words)
There is an inclusion of unverified information in the prompt restatement that has affected the accuracy of the paraphrase. Nowhere in the original does it say that homework wastes the time of the student. As a personal opinion of the author, this should be reflected in his personal opinion presentation. Additionally, the essay does not require that both sides be discussed from the personal opinion of the author. Rather , the reasoning explanation for both viewpoints must be justified from a public standpoint. It based upon this comparison that the personal opinion presentation should be based. These ewors in prompt restatement and discussion formats form the basis of the early demerits in TA scoring for the presentation.  
  
The essay is only composed of 4 paragraphs, all based on the personal s of the writer. The keywords "some people" and "others" denote the public opinion point of iiiel and necessary 3rd person reference explanation paragraphs. This is a comparative, rather than single opinion essay. Therefore, even at 318 words, the incorrect discussion presentation will affect the final score of this analytical presentation in a negative manner.
@Bot  
  
~~It's~~ frequently It is thought that homework ..., however, ~~there're~~ they are proponents who ... In my view, as  ~~I'll~~ I will be arguing both, ... of that, however, repetitive grammar, try to write it in different waythey will receive benefits more than that.  
  
*Comment: A small error I found is that you should not use contraction in academic writing like this.*
## which part-time job is appropriate for a first-year student?

  
  
Dear Wilson,  
It is my great honor that you asked for my advice regarding which part-time job is appropriate for you - a first-year student. I genuinely hope my suggestion is constructive enough to help you have the best selection.  
  
First of all, I am convinced that it is a bright idea to work in the second semester as you have been acquainted with university life, thus being able to manage your time. On that note, spending some hours working is no longer a complicated task. Additionally, as one majoring in English, I strongly recommend that you should make the most out of what you have learned. Working as either a translator or an English tutor, or an English teaching assistant is not a bad plan. It will not only fortify your English foundation but also enrich your working experience. Last but not least, since a university student is occupied with studying, I firmly believe that you should work 10 hours per week as a maximum . Most of your time should be spent on studying - the most significant mission.  
  
It will take you a little time to read, but in view of a favorable outcome, it is definitely worthwhile. Please count on me whenever you encounter any difficulties in the future.  
  
Yours sincerely,
If this letter was written for a task 1 essay, then it should not be more than 200 words. This may be considered overwritten for a 20 minute task.  
  
There is a lack of clarity as to why Wilson would ask this person for advice. Why is it an honor for this person? What capacity does the writer have to give beneficial thoughs on the question? The second paragraph offers sound advice. It meets the information requirements of Wilson.  
  
The last paragraph is confusing. The first sentence , in particular, fails to properly inform the reader. What is that sentence about? What does it refer to? What does he have to read and why?
## numerous plant and animal species are disappearing

  
  
Nowadays, there are many opinions that numerous plant and animal species are disappearing. Some people say that there are more and more the major environmental threat to the world in this modern area. In my opinion, I support viewpoint one because of its serious effect on humanity.  
  
-The over development of industries has caused serious consequences and one of them is natural disasters. Millions of tons of smoke and dust from factories as well as from vehicles released into the air too much have made the air increasingly polluted. As a result, natural disasters such as tsunamis, floods, acid rain, and other similar events are becoming more common, destroy many countries across the world. This has heightened the urgency for the world to address these issues. For instance, in 2004, a 9.2 magnitude earthquake struck the Indian Ocean, creating tsunamis that swept 14 countries and claimed the lives of more than 225,000 people.  
  
-On the other hand, when the population grows rapidly in recent years, then the demand for food will also be more than before. That leads people to hunt more animals and sometimes rare animals just to serve their needs. In a 2007 survey by Responsive Management Inc, Eighty percent of respondents agreed that hunting has a legitimate place in modern society. Therefore, some species of plants and animals have died out from the earth and the amount of food will be increasingly scarce because of the endless hunting of humans.  
  
-In conclusion, despite the fact that natural catastrophes inflict significant human losses, the extinction of animal species is a pressing issue that must be solved since people cannot exist without food.
The discussion for this essay requests that the 2 public opinions be explained based on the theory that the believer of each opinion has prior to the presentation of the personal opionion of the writer. This is a "discuss both points of view and give a personal opinion essay". The basis of the public opinion should be covered within 2 paragraph explanations, one for each point of view, using third person pronouns to clarify the talking points of each representative sector. The essay is not a singular poont of view explanation, which is what the current presentation is based on. The response format is terribly incorrect for this discussion as provided in the original prompt. The expected response format is not provided.  
  
Though the discussion points presented are qualified for the topic, it is the presentation that is a problem. It must be written as:  
  
- Public Opinion 1 + Explanation  
- Public opinion 2 + Explanation  
- Personal Opinion + Explanation  
  
The response statement in the first paragraph is also incorrect and confusing to the reader as it does not deliver a complete idea based on a the required discussion format: Personal opinion + 1 Reason  
  
There is also no reason for the writer to be starting off each paragraph with the dash punctuation mark rather than the actual text. There is no need for that in this presentation as it is a direct written presentation. The essay also contains heavily researched information regarding situations such as earthquakes, tsunamis, public involvement, among others, all of which run counter to the basis of examples which are personal knowledge and experience, as well as public knowledge.  
  
Overall, the essay does not meet the proper discussion and formatting requirements which would help it achieve a passing score. Since the discussion format is incorrect, the examiner will not be able to properly grade the essay beyond the TA section. The LR, C+C, and GRA considerations cannot be assessed based on the current discussion format.
## Writing Task 2: appearance or quality of work?

  
  
Some organizations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value quality of work above appearance. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge experience.  
  
There is much debate on whether enterprises should value appearance or the work performance of the laborers. In my point of view, I hold the belief that both criterion have their own bright sides.  
  
In a world that is increasingly interested in beauty, dressing appropriately opens up many opportunities for the employees. To begin with, individuals who wear professional attire may have a higher chance to get successful transactions. Because people often feel pleasant to beauty and gorgeous appearance easily makes a good impression on the customers. In addition, dressing smartly is also one of the best ways to show the specialist of the workers. This would result in the fact that companies gain a higher trust and more definite commitment from the clients.  
  
On the other hand, the efficiency of workers also brings numerous advantages to the enterprises. Firstly, there are many staff who can bring value and create annual profit to the company just based on their highly specialized skill. For instance, architects or IT experts often wear casual clothes whenever they work at home, meanwhile the outcomes of the products remain effective. Secondly, well-qualified employees help the operator system of the company take place more stably and efficiently. Because laborers with advanced skills supervise the work more meticulously and make fewer mistakes compared to those who lack professional skills.  
  
To sum up, I totally agree that the efficiency of workers plays a crucial role in the success of the company. Nevertheless, dressing professionally also creates many opportunities for the career of the workers and helps expand many relationships.
The prompt restatement immediately shows an inaccurate usage of words based on synonym unfamiliarity. The word off concern is "laborer" meaning a person who uses his physical strength to complete his work. An "employee" is different from a laborer in the sense that an employee uses him mental abilities to accomplish a task. The more appropriate synonym would have been "office worker".  
  
The discussion format is also incorrect in the body paragraphs as the essay no longer explains both public opinions first, then the personal opinion of the writer second. It disregards the original writing instructions in favor the writer's sole opinion for all discussion points. The writer also shows improper use of conjuctions as there are sentences in the essay that begin with conjuctions. a writing style not allowed in English academic writing.
## percentage of total music sales by method

  
  
The line graph illustrates the proportion of how much three music methods were purchased from 2011 to 2018.  
  
Overall, there was a considerable increase in people streaming music, which became the most widely used method in the final years, while the percentage of downloading and purchasing CDs were witnessed to decrease slightly throughout the period.  
  
A closer look at the graph reveals that the proportion of streaming stood at nearly 5% in 2011, followed by a gradual rise to over 40% in 2018. In regard to downloading, the figure, which accounted for approximately 34% in the first year of the period, was seen to reach a peak at around 41% in the mid-2014 and then decline significantly to nearly 30% in the final year. The percentage of purchasing CDs, which was the most popular music method in the first year of period, represented at approximately 55% in 2011, 11 times higher than that of streaming. However, the figure slightly went down and ended up at only 36% in 2018.  
  
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***Some people argue that sports should be part of the school program, while other state that it is a waste of time and more focus should be given to academic work.**  
  
##*Discuss both sides of this argument and then give your own opinion  
  
Students are required to learn a lot of subjects these days; therefore, some people believe that sports ought to be in the school curriculum, but many think it's time consuming and concentrating on academic work is of greater benefits . I completely disagree that sports aren't significant thus should not be included. This essay will discuss both points of view.  
  
On the one hand, some individuals argue that sports are a waste of time, because of that students can't spend time on some core subjects. It also will bring bad-graded potential for exam results while academic skills and scores are the most important focus at school. In Viet Nam, for example parents don't allow their children to take part in sports because they think these will distract them from their important areas and they can't get a good future thanks to that.  
  
On the other hand, it's clear that sports help us to enhance both our physical and mental health. Students can practice exercise to have a flexible body, and also make them reduce their stress after studying for a long time. In some Asian countries, students just care for their study in some necessary subject and get a lot of mental illness like depressions, which often lead to suicide while the one play sports can avoid that simly. practicing sports with friends will bring many benefits like some vital skills about communication, building solidarity between class members. A case in this point is some scientific research think that students, who play sports have strong connections to their friends than others.  
  
In conclusion, I think sports is an essential part of education. If schools can have more sporty games, students can get access to their favourite sports and avoid more diseases in the future.
The keywords "sports" and "academic work" are part of the original prompt. These need to be replaced for better vocabulary scores. "Sports" can be replaced with "athletics " and "school work" maybe termed " academic endeavors" instead. Avoid retaining the original words as this will indicate a limited English vocabulary and lower the score for the essay.  
  
As far as the discussion instruction no concerned, the point of iner used was limited to the personal one. The comparative discussion for the public points of view, the explanation for the basis of each public opinion should be presented in individual paragraphs first. After those explanations, the writer's opinion comes last. This essay cannot be written from a singular pov as that is not the discussion requirement. Each public opinion has a valid reason, explain it via 3rd person group pronouns. Thin explain the writers opinion via 1st person references. That is the needed presentation format. The essay failed to meet the discussion format presentation.
## How is Chocolate Made

  
  
The chocolate production process is depicted in the given illustrations. In order to make the familiar chocolate products, cacao beans, the main ingredient to make chocolate, usually experience three main stages which are being harvested, transported and processed in the manufacturer.  
  
Cacao, a tree with fist-sized nearly-brown red pods, is popular and familiar to farmers in certain parts of the world like South America, Africa or Indonesia. The wet white beans inside the cacao pods are collected when they are ripe. These beans are then fermented and hydrated under the sun. The dried beans packed in sacks are shipped to factories via road or sea.  
  
Then at the producer's facilities, high heat is used to fully roast the beans. They are continuously transferred to the next large pot-shaped machine whose function is to crush the beans so as to get rid of the outer shells and send the flesh to the pressing step. The beans are constantly pressed and blended by thick-wheel gear until the solid beans finally turn into a liquid substance which is called chocolate.
This is a strong procedural explanation. The depiction of the cacao making process is such that the vader can easily imagine the creation process even without an image presentation. There do not appear to be any missing presentations at the start and middle of the process. The last part is also well explained. The quick writing process shows a thorough explanation of the drawings. The writer also took pains to proofread, revise, and edit the report. This is one of the better written versions of this task presentation. It was done well enough to merit a passing score in all the scoring divisions. The writer is off to a good start with this practice essay and shows the potential to create good Task 1 essays in the future.
## merits and demerits of technological progress

  
  
Technologies have evolved at a lightning speed over the past ten decades. While some people hold the view that technological development poses several drawbacks to humans, I contend that it also brings numerous benefits.  
  
On the one hand, some disadvantages of technology can be taken into account. Firstly, it makes the world become more contaminated. In some megacities such as Ha Noi or Ho Chi Minh, for example, the large use of cars and motorbikes often produces air pollutants including carbon dioxide. This may lead to environmental degradation and pose a threat to many creatures especially humans. Secondly, advances in technology mean that many jobs like hunting, fishing, and agriculture have fallen by the wayside. These jobs now are more prone to be replaced by machines and robots, resulting in an increasing unemployment rate, as a result, more and more people fail to keep up with the high rising costs.  
  
On the other hand, one of the most obvious advantages of high technology is that there is no barrier in distance. It is true that the invention of trains and planes makes it possible to travel a long distance in a short time. For instance, 100 years ago, it would take a few days or even a week if people wanted to travel from the North to the South of Viet Nam. However, nowadays, it takes only two hours by plane. In addition, appliances such as digital cameras, video players, and computers enrich people's leisure time. To illustrate, people now have easy access to the Internet and therefore they can watch some trending videos on Youtube with only a few clicks of the mouse. This brings them a sense of satisfaction when it comes to activities in their spare time.  
  
In conclusion, although technological progress may have some demerits to citizens, I believe that it also plays a crucial role in their life.
The writer should not find reasons to agree with an opinion that he disagreed within the response sentence of the paraphrase + opinion paragraph. The reasoning paragraphs, both of them must focus only on presenting reasons that prove the writers opinion to be the correct one. Being a single opinion presentation based on the idea " is it an advantage or disadvantage ? ", the writer has been tasked to provide evidence of the validity of a particular point of view. The essay shall be scored on the paragraph that offers a valid discussion based on the stated opinion of the writer. Sadly, that short and quick paragraph may not be enough to gain a passing score due to scoring evors in that single paragraph.
## School leaving age

  
  
In the contemporary world, several people believe that everybody had better enter school until 18. From my perspective, I partly agree with this idea for a number of reasons, which will be presented in this essay  
  
On the one hand, it is true that schooling still has a few drawbacks . For instance, teachers attempt to teach quickly to catch up with the pace of their curriculum. As a result, it is of great challenging for students to comprehend the knowledge completely due to some minor details they might misunderstand, which has a negative impact on their studying process. In additional, it is waste of time to learn all of the mandatory subjects at school. Hence, not only do the students find those subjects boring but also can not enhance their own majority and strength completely for a better aim  
  
On the other hand, there is no doubt that staying at school for further studying has a great deal of benefits. First and foremost, schooling will assist youngster in forming a variety of friendly relationships easily. For instance, there are a plenty of practical clubs at school such as sport club, music club, and so on. Hence, each student is able to make friends and have a sense of closeness with each other, which creates several joyfulness without doubts. Moreover, learning at school offers several opportunities to the teenagers to avoid social problems. Apart from teaching academic subjects, schooling also supplies youngster with a large number of practical skills. Thus, both their understanding and behavior will be improved extensively, not to commit the social issues.  
  
In conclusion, despite some minor challenges from schooling, I personally consider that the pros outweigh the cons mentioned above.
When the writer indicates a partial agreement to the idea, the end of the agreement must be indicated. A statement such as;  
  
*I partly agree with this idea in as much as it relates to the relevance of schooling to a person's ambition in life.*  
  
It is important to create a solid reasoning statement to give the partial agreement a good reasoning basis that remains relevant to the prompt and discussion instructions. The essay discussion must not change to a comparative discussion as this did. It must remain singular in opinion discussion. This essay fails to provide a clear opinion and properly developed explanation for the reasoning idea.