dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Cambridge 8 test2  
**Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology. In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make? Has this become a positive or negative development?**  
  
Please check out my essay and give me some advice. I am really thankful for all of you who help me improve my IELTS writing skills.  
  
Thank you so much.  
  
I am wondering  
1. whether using tense is correct?  
because I use past tense for 2000 charts.  
3. if the essay structure should be revised?  
  
I use negative and positive impact paraphrase would you please help me? if I use a word repetitively please tell me the paraphrase  
thank you. in some sentences, i didn't know which sentence is better than another one so I wrote another sentence in the parentheses please tell me which one is better.  
  
## technology and human relationship

  
  
Technology has profoundly impacted on our life. For years, the relationship between people has been the target of technology and it has changed the ways of communication among them. The debate about technology is both timely and crucial.  
  
The structure of relationship has changed profoundly because of sophisticated technology. (Technology changing has had significant impact on relationship/ Technology has changed a lot of our lives and has revolutionized communications). In the past people communicated with each other face to face or with predominant facilities. Although these days people can see each other lower than the past, they communicate by myriad tools. The territory of relationship, day in day out, increase dramatically in that the communication has become massive. For instance, we can communicate with some strangers especially, with successful people and take benefit from their experience. The impacts of technology are countless.  
  
The debate about positive or negative impacts of tech on the humans' relationships will be never finished. The most significant of its impact is that people can communicate with each other very easily than the past (than they used to be); so, the friendship between people become more and more. The information spreads as better than the past. That this part, in turn, has positive and negative impacts. For example, seldom does a day go by without hearing and watching the private information of people which is spread in virtual pages on the web that in some cases makes people untrustworthy to the web; thus some social injuries may take place because of technology the cyber crimes are the negative consequences of technological communication.  
  
On the other hand, technology provides opportunities for families to keep in touch with their members who geographically separated. But, the rate of depression has grown because of the less verbal meeting then someone may become depressed for this reason.  
  
In conclusion, I firmly believe that technology provides opportunities as much as damages. It improves our relationship ways while ruining something in our communication.
Hello, I want to share some thoughts about your essay.  
  
At the first paragraph, I think you don't need to say that The debate~ since the question requires you to answer if it affects positively or negatively.  
  
I am not sure to pick up some grammarian errors in your essay, but I cannot understand the meaning of predominant facilities.  
  
At the third paragraph, you don't need to say the debate will be continued. Rather than this, I think what kinds of aspect will affect positively and negatively.
Dear smvicp, here are my private opinions on your essay  
- your essay contains 5 paragraphs, the first and the last is introduction and conclusion, these are quite good. However, I think the body of your essay will be better if it is divided into to only two parts, one for advantages of technology and one for disavantages. Moreover, some ideas are hard to follow because it is wriiten in very complexed sentences, such as " for instance, seldom..."  
  
- I think there are some mistakes:  
people can see each other lower the the past --> people spend less time to see each other than in the past, instead they communicate by myriad tools  
  
The debate.... will be never finish --> will never finish
Susan, you have not approached this task 2 essay in the proper manner. From the very start, you have shown that you have no idea how to structure a task 2 essay. The opening statement is wrong, the discussion does not follow the required structure, and your content is too broad in scope to apply to the required sentences per paragraph.  
  
One of the biggest scoring considerations in the Task 2 test is the Task Accuracy portion. This is seen in the opening statement or paraphrasing that you create for the original prompt. You deviated so much from the original topic and discussion instructions that I feel I should not score this essay in order to prevent disappointment on your part. Let me show you an example of a proper paraphrasing for this prompt:  
  
*It is a known fact that changes in the way people interact these days came from the development of technology. This essay will seek to discuss how technology has affected the method by which people create relationships. Additionally, a discussion regarding whether this trend has a positive or negative effect on the relationship of people will also be presented.*  
  
A proper paraphrasing of the prompt will allow you to create a solid discussion outline for your essay. You have a tendency to over-complicate your presentations. Just keep it simple. You are not writing a class research paper. You are just writing a simple academic essay. Avoid using parenthesis and slash marks in your paragraphs. Those still count towards the sentence requirement per paragraph. Keep each paragraph at only 5 sentences. Do not go over that count. The 5 sentence requirement is a hard rule that should never be altered. Learn to simplify your presentations instead. That means, create summarized but coherent and cohesive sentences to represent your ideas per paragraph. Don't make it too long, but don't make it too short either. 3 sentences is short enough.  
  
Even without my telling you, by merely looking at the correct paraphrase, I know that you can tell that your discussion is not in accordance with the prompt expectations. That means, this essay will not get a very good grade in an actual setting. You deviated from the prompt requirement. You did not properly represent and discuss what was was instructed of you. That will cost you a passing score.  
  
You must never discuss the personal opinion in the closing statement either. The personal opinion should always be a separate body paragraph discussion. It should never be mistaken for a conclusion because a concluding statement is a summary of the preceding body of paragraphs. Additional information should never be located in it as that does not close an essay, it merely continues the discussion. What the examiner needs you to do is close the essay, not leave it hanging and open at the end.
**Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school**  
  
## Financial motivation for students

  
  
A well educated student always have an edge over others when competing to others in work. Thus parents expect their children to achieve a high mark during the test, which may be the only way to define whether is a student well-educated or not. To achieve this goal, parents figure out several ways to motivate their children to earn more points in school. Using money as a reward is one way, which is under a hot debate. Personally, I think it is a good idea to do so.  
  
Using money to encourage a student is a win-win way for both of parents and children. A child still in school is at an age that having the desire of being noticed. Wearing famous-branded clothes or shoes is a common way, which definitely need a big amount of money. To realize their goal of being noticed, students are willing to study harder to earn more money. Both the parents and the children will be satisfied through this whole process.  
  
During this process, a child will learn about one should always push themselves hard in order to earn their money. As for most of the children are supported by their parents until they graduate from university, which means they do not have much chance to earn their own money. In this way one cannot tell that earning is not a easy thing. Life is always hard and there is no free lunch for anyone. The earlier one understand this, the better they are prepared for getting into this society. By earning money from a good grade, students can experience this common rule and follow it.  
  
Although one may say that giving too much money to children for score is not a good idea, I believe that a children can actually start early learning how to manage their own money under a proper instruction from parents. When I was a kid, my mom used to gave me money as a reward for good grades. I usually use those money to buy my favorite snakes and toys. It is my mom who give me a chance to decide how to use my own money. The most significant thing, however, is that she also taught me how to deal with it. She told me that I should always save one third of it for the future in terms of buying things that I extremely want while it was not cheap. In this way, I can not only learn knowledge about science from school, but also master how to make a good use of my own save.  
  
All in all, using money as the reward of a good grade can motivate students to be hardworking, can teach them about earning, and can give them a chance to learn how to manage their own money. So in my perspective, I support parents to reward their children with money for a high score.
Cindy, it is difficult for me to assess the impressive work that you have presented here. You did not include the original prompt requirement in your post, which is a requirement for all English exam essay postings here, so that I could have a guideline regarding the proper analysis and considerations for your essay content. So I will not be able to assess you on the basis of the scoring guidelines. Hence, I will not be able to point out your problem areas either and suggest the improvements you should make.  
  
As a general themed essay, you have written a very good defense of your stand on the issue. You have clearly stated your position and used ample reasons and examples to support your stance. However, I am not sure if you have adequately responded to the essay prompt. Somehow, it feels like you should have presented a balanced discussion of the issue. There is something missing in the essay that I can't put my finger on. Unfortunately, I can only review your work for this essay once so it would be useless for you to post the full prompt after you read my comments.  
  
Your essay shows a clear understanding of a given topic. Whether it is a clear understanding of the prompt in question is another issue. However, you have managed to represent a logical and coherent discussion in the essay as far as I can tell. I hope that your essay truly responded to the prompt requirements. If you did, then you have the potential to get a pretty decent score in the actual test. Provided all of your practice essays are somewhat as impressive as this one.
IELTS Writing  
  
***Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.***  
  
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## Compete or cooperate?

  
  
How to effectively guide children's behavior is becoming a hot topic in our society. Some people regard that arousing the sense of competition of children will benefit them a lot. Others think children who tends to collaborate with others would become more useful adults. Views from both sides are discussed and I consider it is necessary to enhance their cooperation awareness.  
  
Generally speaking, coexisting with honors brought by competition is serious diseases. Being taught to compete with their friends or classmates by their parents or teachers, the children may succeed in exams, win many awards, and even when they are older, they are more likely to be admitted into ideal university and get a satisfying job offer. But we fail to take into consideration the sacrifice behind so many honors these children make. The more competition they participate in, the more pressure competitions brings to them. In addition, when tremendous pressure comes into being, diseases of body and mind ensue.  
  
By contrast, cultivating a sense of cooperation of children enable them to be more useful to their company, and even their country. There is no doubt that cooperation awareness is the most important quality of an employee. An entrepreneur is usually at risk of closing down when some staffs only care for their own interests. As for a country, only all the people stick together to fight against the aggression of foreign enemy and take efforts to develop economic, culture and political, can the nation become more powerful. Apparently, the cooperative consciousness needs to be nurtured at a young age.  
  
Based on views clearly expressed above, I consider that children should be taught to cooperate rather than compete. If one thing, like learning to cooperate, enable us to be a useful person, it is worth doing. (296 words)
Shirely, avoid sensationalizing the topic for discussion in your paraphrasing. Keep it simple and as close to the original prompt as possible. In your version of the prompt, you said that the topic is a "hot" discussion, which it is not because that was not indicated in the original prompt. That is a prompt deviation that alters the actual discussion topic. While the rest of that paragraph is alright, you forgot that you are not to provide your actual opinion at the end of the opening statement. This is only meant to be an outline for the discussion. All actual presentations should be within the body of paragraphs to follow it. You could have indicated that as the subject sentence in any of the remaining 3 body paragraph opening sentences and then proceeded with a developed discussion within the paragraph for it.  
  
Another thing you have to do is learn how to use proper English descriptive terms. The topic is not a "serious disease". It is not contagious, nor is it an illness. It is a mere state of being in a person. Either he is competitive or cooperative. There is no illness involved. In the actual test, you would have taken a severe hit in the LR and GRA scoring sections due to this wrong word usage.  
  
Your second paragraph is also one long run on sentence. Always try to break up your statements into short sentences. That was you have a better chance of developing proper simple or complex English sentences. Right now, your GRA is the biggest concern that I have. You are making so many mistakes that I doubt this essay would even get passing consideration in an actual setting.  
  
Please remember that you must use the conclusion to properly summarize the essay in 3-5 sentences. Since GRA is already your problem, limiting your statements to only one sentence or two will not help because the C&C guidelines indicate that all paragraphs need to be fully developed. That is only done using the 3-5 sentence discussion format.
@Holt  
Your advice is very helful to me. As for the mistake "diseases" you mentioned, what I mean is that overpressure may lead to some diseases of body and mind, such as insomnia and depression.  
  
I need your help. Could you give me some advice about my second essay "IELTS Task2 Protecting the variety of languagesgrade" and grade it from TR, CC, LR, GRA?  
  
Looking forward to your reply. Thank you very much. I will continue to work hard.
@Shirely Fu  
Hello, miss Fu. Holt is a contributor, who is not allowed to review your essay twice or more (please consult the rules of the forum). So it's for me to answer your question about "diseases".  
  
As a native Chinese, I perhaps have a better understanding of what my fellows intend to write. Now let me assume:  
  
When conceiving the essay, you set your brain in motion, generating many ideas. But you didn't fully developed them in you written material. You left examiners "too much room for imagination". Perhaps you thought they would reason out the "underly" meaning. The expectation would be reasonable if examiners were native Chinese, like me and you. Yet that is not the case. They are native English speakers, whose thinking is different from ours. They wouldn't bother to and simply couldn't mentally complete what you intended to express in a couple of minutes, in which they have to seal an essay's fate.  
  
So you have to make your writing clearer and plainer, easier for examiners to follow. You are writing an academic essay, not a scientific fiction. And as Holt said, there is no evident link between "a sense of competition" and "serious diseases". You should have explained it in detail so as to convince your examiners. Sadly, in an actual test with limited time, the task of proving an anti-common-sense proposition is too formidable to be fulfilled. That's why the sensationalizing should be avoided.  
  
Instead of "serious diseases", I'd like to recommend milder terms including "worry", "uneasiness", "anxiety", "annoyed", etc. "horror" goes too far. After all, it's just "a sense of competition". There is no horrible scenes that, say, a terrorist mugs a little boy at knifepoint.
## How to use own money?

  
  
Money is essential part to fulfill our basic needs and is important for factor for our happy lives. Some people believe that they should enjoy a luxurious life style, while other believe that it is better to save money to secure their future. I think that it is better to save money in order to use them incase of emergency and for old age.  
  
Many people believe that they should spend money and like to have luxurious lifestlye while other like to invest in form of business or buying shares. In my culture, most of people believe that it is better to invest in some form of business while others like to invest in banks, as they are offering good interest rates for fixed deposits. For instance, many companies and banks are adverting mutual funds, bonds and shares where they offer very interesting options for investing. Consequently, most of people can invest and make more money and secure their future.  
  
Secondly, we should save money for our emergency. In everyone life there are some critical situations where money is main key for solving difficulties, as a result we should dedicate and save money for these kinds of situations. For instance, we may face some situation where there may be accident or some kind of surgery and saved money will be solution. By saving money we can avoid these kind of disasters.  
  
Last , but not the least, we need to save money for our old age. This is the critical time where we are vulnerable and weak and very dependent on others. For instance, we can hire worker or hire a nurse who can look after overselves and take care of our daily needs.  
  
In conclusion, although we should spend some part of money but we should save substantial amount of money for emergency and old age. In addition, we must also invest money and in this way provide support for our families.
Nayaz, I would really appreciate it if you would include the actual prompt instructions for your essay practice test the next time you post your essay here. You did not specify what kind of English test you are taking either. The review of your essay will depend upon the scoring considerations of the type of test that you are taking. Kindly make sure to do that the next time you post an essay for review. The lack of that information makes it difficult for me to judge whether your discussion approach is correct and if this is the sort of essay that would pass the required elements of the English test you are taking.  
  
As a reminder, regardless of the kind of English test you will be taking, it is important for you to make sure that you consistently present your thoughts in 3-5 sentences. That will qualify your work as a complete paragraph instead of an incomplete or under developed paragraph. The sentence requirement helps you to better explain yourself instead of making unsupported statements as you did in the latter part of this essay. Each topic sentence that you give needs to have data to support it. A simple one line to support that information does not qualify as a valid reason if there are no additional discussions to strengthen your paragraph. You can see the difference in your work. Compare the complete body paragraphs that you wrote with the 2 sentence counterparts. Which one do you find more informative and thus, impressive to read? Exactly, the longer the discussion, the better explained your reasoning becomes.  
  
The concluding sentence bothers me because you do not accurately wrap up the discussion. I know this for a fact but because you did not properly summarize your essay. However, since I don't have access to the original prompt, I cannot explain to you how you can better develop that part of your essay.
**\* It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.**  
  
Essay:  
  
## small town or a metropolis for a child's good?

  
  
The countryside, in comparison to big cities, outlines some widely different characteristics, environmentally speaking as well as socially. And, taking into consideration the rather special atmosphere children need to live in a healthy way as well as assure their well-being, which place is better to live in remains a prominent question.  
  
Personally, I do not fully agree to the fact that growing up in the countryside is more beneficial to children than living in a big city, mainly because each one of the two different places are devoid of particular opportunities for children.  
  
Firstly, if living in a small village on a plain where green is a dime a dozen and fresh air is the well of immortality, provides infinite and everlasting jubilation, shortage of Wi-Fi, transit and easy access to information may be a source of worry and surely will fret you even with the healthiest of environments. Thus, it is, definitely, a nightmare to live disconnected from social life.  
  
Secondly, for a child, a big city would give him multiple opportunities to learn new skills, discover their talents and embrace their career at an early age. He or she would also be allowed to have all sorts of medical and diet help to have a strong body at the age where they need sufficient nourishment to be developed.  
  
In conclusion, although a sane, clean and fresh atmosphere is absolutely needed for a little child, the city might be giving him or her the chance to have a well-balanced life in the long term by bringing the whole world to the kid's hands to explore.  
  
--> Please Correct my mistakes and feel free to give any advices as I am working on enhancing my English  
P.S: I will be passing the TOEFL as of December.