dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Toys for children

  
  
Question:  
Some parents buy their children a large number of toys to play with.  
What are the advantages and disadvantages for the child of having a large number of toys ?  
  
Answer:  
  
**[Intro]**  
  
There are widely differing views on the issue of whether parents nowadays usually buy too much toys for their children or not. Parents used to buy toys for children as a reward if they got good grade or as a present in some specific holidays, like the Christmas. I think having toys is important for children, but having too many toys would be a problem. In this essay, I intend to explore the advantages and disadvantages of this issue.  
  
**[Advantages]**  
  
Having different kind of toys is helpful for children's intelligence development since they have to good at some skills to play the toys well, for example, puzzle games require a great logic ability. Computer games of specific type, like real-time strategy games require highly concentration and strategy planning ability to win the game. Since parents provide many different kind of toys for their children, it is inevitable that they would have plenty of toys.  
  
**[Disadvantages]**  
  
Though having many different kinds of toys or games definitely provide some advantages, however, there also some disadvantages for having too much toys. The most worst case is that parents intend to let toys to replace their role if they don't have enough time to accompany with their children, so buying toys becomes a kind of compensation behavior for these parents. In fact, this behavior is not really helpful for improving the relationship with their children, they still need to spend some time to interact with their children in daily life. Besides, many toys are often discarded by children when they grow up, since they don't play them anymore. Many of these abandoned toys are made by plastic, and they certainly threaten our environment when they become garbage.  
  
**[End]**  
  
By way of conclusion, I think parent's attitude about toys is the key factor of whether they will give too many toys to their children. My suggestion about this issue is: Thinking carefully before you buy toys for your children. The rule is not just limited to toys, also appliable for everything.
Hu, unless otherwise requested specifically in the essay prompt, do not include information such as a personal point of view. If the prompt does not require the information, then that is an irrelevant presentation that can negatively affect the overall assessment of your paper. Do not get used to writing the essay with the parenthetical identification as you have now. Just write smooth and continuous paragraphs without identifying marks. The examiner doesn't need that in his assessment of your work and neither do we as reviewers of your work. If you get used to this format of essay presentation, you may continue to do it in the actual test, which would be a very bad idea.  
  
All of your paragraphs require more discussion presentation. Develop your line of reasoning by an additional one to two sentences so that you can create a cohesive and coherent paragraph. Don't forget the transition sentences at the end in order to smoothen the presentation from one paragraph of information to another. Do these minimal corrections to your work and yo should improve your scoring considerations as well. All of your topic sentences are good, the problem is in the discussion presentation.
please kindly check my writing on IELTS  
Thanks  
  
## Opinion about music

  
  
**There are many different types of music in the world today. why do we need music? is this a traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?**  
  
Music has a variety of genre these day, which is become an essential to every people to listen to it. The majority of people listen to music with their purposes. They try to relax or just enjoy the excitement of the music. On the other hand, some people may be choosing the International music rather than traditional music.  
  
In my opinion, both traditional and International music is important. It has its own character and market. Traditional music is an expression of a culture that should be preserve as it is part of a country's cultural identity compared to International music is certainly useful to society today, it can be argued that it helps us to understand and connect with other people, since people around the world listen to the same songs.  
  
To conclude, I would argue that one type of music is not more important or useful than another. Traditional music is a vital but both are needed as they provide enjoyment to people in different ways.
Alifa, I believe you are self studying for the IELTS test which is my you ended up making every mistake in the book with your current presentation. The following elements are missing in your presentation, which makes this essay fail in the actual presentation. Always remember to provide:  
  
Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase with discussion instruction  
Par. 2 - First topic for discussion  
Par. 3 - Second topics for discussion  
Par. 4 - third topic for discussion  
Par. 5 - Summary of your provided discussion.  
  
None of these elements are properly presented in your extremely short essay discussion. Remember the basic format when you write your next essay. Make sure you write a minimum of 3 sentences but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph in order to maximized your possible score per band consideration.
## the video games - are they harmful or useful?

  
  
The issue of whether playing electronic and computer games brings positive or negative effects on young people remains a matter for debate. Several people believe that gamers can gain practical skills through playing these games. Others argue that it is a time-consuming activity.  
  
On the one hand, video games have many benefits in education. Firstly, players are provided plenty of opportunities to significantly develop their soft skills from logical thinking to solving problems. Moreover, there are battle games that demand people enhance their ability to do team-work. Therefore, through playing these games, young people may realize the importance of cooperation so as to accomplish the challenges. Finally, the level of games is a strong motivation for players making best efforts to attain high positions.  
  
On the other hand, we find it difficult to deny that young people are squandering time on participate in electronic games. As a evidence of losing hour after hour each day to gaze at computer srceens, players do not spend enough time on main tasks such as household chores and school assignments. On top of that, some games are focused on designing the game narrative rather than training skills, so gamers learn no helpful experiences. This example makes it clear why many people support this stance.  
  
In conclusion, computer games become one of the most popular activities in young people's life. It is true that their drawback are waste of time, but they allows teenegers to thrive a lot of crucial skills for their learning and real life. I believe that they are harmful or useful depending on the way people use them.
Sarah, it is difficult for me to review your work because you failed to provide me with the original prompt instructions for this essay. Even though you gave me the title of the topic, you did not properly paraphrase the opening paragraph with the inclusion of a discussion instruction which is why I cannot accurately assess the work that you did in this essay, Please remember to provide the original prompt requirement the next time you post an essay for review here. That original prompt is of equal importance to your actual writing. The two go hand in hand in terms of reviewing and advising you regarding points for improvement. It appears to me that you forgot to present your opinion at the end of the opening statement. That should have kicked off the essay discussion because this is an opinion essay. It is difficult to assess the relevance of your discussion at this point so I will have to leave the review here. I will give you a better review with your next essay, provided you include the original prompt in your posting.
Hey guys ,  
Please help me to check my writing :)  
Here is subject.  
  
**The Internet has dramatically altered our lives over the past few decades.Although some of these changes have been negative, the over all effect of this technology has been positive.  
  
What are hour opinions on this?**  
  
The Internet effects  
  
It is true that internet has been strongly influenced our lives for at least 10 years.I firmly believe that advantage effects outweigh drawbacks.  
  
The first two drawbacks are damaged reality value and health.As internet has invented for decades and become indispensable in our life, as a result, handy technology devices are gradually reachable nowaday.People are use them to searching for needs also apply it into social life,they immerse in cyber world with massive social applications ,this phenomenon triggered that clients are slowly losing their social skills in real life and changed reality value. As the popularity of smartphones and unlimited data increased rapidly, people are spending more and more time with smartphones than before and ignored the importance of exercise.  
  
However,some technologies are indeed function more efficiently and economically with internet; communicate with videos , for instance, it leads our communication to higher level, also connected people who being long distance and business partners .It crosses time zone and distance to tighten our Interpersonal relationship . Furthermore to applications that developed by engineers, these are not only created the job opportunities but assistance our learning methods effectively, range from dictionaries and podcast to online courses.For example, an education application app called "Vatube" , has earned over $60,000,000 for its company,users learning and memorizing English via it, and job candidates could apply as online teacher or join the development team then create more items for English seekers .By this way, knowledge is much more accessible than ever.  
  
‌  
In conclusion, as long as people living with cyber life more cautiously , and with our self-control and self-warning ,the conflict would be smaller in order to bring us better life.
Annie, what is the actual prompt you are responding to? Your prompt presentation and your actual discussion are going off in two different directions. Keep in mind that when yo do not respond to the prompt in the manner instructed, you will automatically fail this test. You are also overloading your paragraphs with information. There is a 5 sentence limit per paragraph. Which means you can only discuss one topic per paragraph. The advised method of discussion helps the writer to avoid incoherence and under developed discussion points. Something that occurs in every paragraph that you wrote. Basically, you need to familiarize yourself with the correct format of IELTS task writing which is:  
  
Par. 1 - Opening paraphrase  
Par. 2 - First topic with supporting ideas and examples  
Par. 3 - Second topic with supporting ideas and samples  
Par. 4 - Third topic with the same requirements as the first two  
Par. 5 - Summary of the previous discussion  
  
Try to review the other IELTS topics presented in this forum. Learn the proper formatting styles and discussion presentations from their work. You should always try to review the work of others before you work on your own topic so that you will have a sample to go by that can help you avoid making score lowering mistakes in your own work.
*Topic: Some people think that environmental problems are too big for individuals to solve. Others believe individuals can also do some things to solve these problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. (please give me feedback)*  
  
## environmental protection requires concrete actions

  
  
Nowadays environmental problems have been one of the most challenges that almost every country is facing. Although there is a common belief that governments hold accountable for the course of environmental protection, I am strongly convinced that small efforts taken by individuals will make major changes in our planet.  
  
It is true that many people believe environmental issues can only be tackled by governments and international organization. Obviously, the problems of global warming or desertification are happening around the world with the extent varying from places to places, which requires the cooperation from countries around the world to deal with. As a result, only the world's intergovernmental actions enable to mobilize enormous resources to adopt multidisciplinary approaches for environmental protection. Secondly, with the power of enactment and enforcement of laws, especially environmental protection law or renewable energy law, government can adjust social behaviors towards a more sustainable and low-carbon society.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that there are many actions that individuals can take to alleviate environmental degradation by adopting an eco-friendly lifestyle. Firstly, we should recycle waste materials such as paper or glass and buy products with biodegradable packaging which decomposes easily. Secondly, instead of private cars, we should use public transport or bicycle as a means of transport more often. By doing so, the toxic emissions from vehicles, which are one of the main factors contributing to air pollution, would reduce significantly. Finally, planting more trees every year in our garden would be helpful to decrease the carbon footprint as well.  
  
In short, environmental protection requires concrete actions from both the government and individuals worldwide. Only by doing this can we assure that we could hand this beautiful planet to our next generation and the next generation after.
To, this essay will get a failing score because you did not discuss the essay in the same manner as instructed. Yo created your own discussion topic, which ran counter to the original prompt. You were asked to discuss both points of view and then give your personal opinion. You decided to discuss it as an extent essay based on a personal point of view instead. To be clear:  
  
Original Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
Your Discussion Instruction: I am strongly convinced that small efforts taken by individuals will make major changes in our planet.  
  
The mistake in your approach to the essay discussion is as clear as day. Your totally discussion is not even tangential in response because you offered a discussion of only your point of view on a topic that is not asked for in the original prompt. As such, this will get a failing grade of 1 because your response is completely unrelated to the required task.
Generally, your writing is good, but you have to reconsider the following points:  
  
1- using the first person (we, I, you,...etc) in academic essay.  
  
2- in "Obviously, the problems of ..." the word "obviously" is not suitable for academic essays; you're discussing a view without any statistical evidences. It would be better if you said: the proponent of this belief claim that.........  
  
3- you left your ideas ambiguous between the proclaimed prompt. You have to be clear and precise as much as you can about your own opinions. The reader must not find any difficulty to figure out your own opinions.  
  
Your vocabulary is good, and with a little training you will nail it!  
Best,
Hi reader. Thank you for having time to read my essay. I hope you will have few minutes to point out my mistakes. Thanks.  
  
## defeated by rejection

  
  
An extraordinary situation that has a powerful impact on my personality occurred during the first year after I graduated. It was then that I was defeated by rejection.  
  
After graduation, I was very excited to be able to find a job. I wasn't sure what kind of position I should search for, but I knew that I wanted to have a job that I will enjoy doing. Since I'm very sociable and a talkative person, I thought, a position of a receptionist would suit me well. Without second thought, I applied for an open position of a receptionist in one of the prestige hotels in my city. While waiting for an interview call, I was very excited and nervous. After a few days the manager of the hotel contacted me and we scheduled the interview.Enthusiastically I went to the hotel and had a pleasant professional conversation with the manager. After the interview I was very confident about securing this position for myself.  
  
Soon, my optimism got crashed buy a voicemail from the manager's assistant stating that I was a very good potential candidate but that somebody else got the job." Maybe next time", she said before she ended the message. It is hard to explain how I felt. Not just that I was sad about being rejected but I was devastated, angry and disappointed at myself. A mix of negative emotions were surrounding me for days. After my mom noticed that this rejection defeated me more than it should, she started to encourage me to start looking for a job again. "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", she whispered while motivating me.  
  
I started looking for open job positions but I wasn't as excited as I was the first time. With little hope I submitted my applications and soon enough I got a few interviews scheduled. This lifted my spirit but I didn't want to expect and hope for too much. Two days after the interview , while I ran my errands, a vibration of my phone interrupted me. It was a phone call from an airport supervisor. " Congratulations, you got the job", he explaimed and made me so happy. I called my mom and share the good news with her. I could tell from her voice, she was so proud of me.  
  
Many people think of rejection as a negative experience. What we don't think of it is that every defeat makes us stronger and pushes us to accomplish or goals." What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!", is a quote that you should remember next time you get defeated. It will help you keep going, trying and fighting to make your dreams and goals come true.
Aida, please remember that we always need to have the original prompt instructions posted in the text box before you post your essay. I cannot review an essay when I do not know what the prompt requirements are. I cannot even tell if you are properly responding to the prompt or not. All I can see, if that you misspelled certain words such as "explaim" for explain, and you used a publicly known pep talk (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger) which could have also been taken from a Kelly Clarkson song and thus, isn't original to your mother so it doesn't deliver the same impact as you believe it could have. The opening statement of the essay, that single line, is weak and does not really help to improve nor kick off your essay. If you had included the original instructions, I could have better guided you towards improving your work. Since you only get one free advice per thread, you just wasted one professional advice opportunity.
*Professional like doctors, nurses and teachers make a greater contribution and should be paid more than sport and entertainment professionals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## wage for health workers and teachers

  
  
People have different views about how professional should be valued. They believe that health workers and educators should get more salary than sportsmen and entertainer. I completely agree with this statement because professionals like doctors and teachers give an important role to nation.  
  
It is true that athlete and actor professionals earn enormous salary that other professionals. For example, Cristiono Ronaldo which is a football player in Real Madrid Football Club is paid £ 360.000 each weak. In fact, he just do a simple work that is kicking ball to make goals. It is obvious that sports and entertainments entertain us. However, we could happily live without them because they do not give us vital services like health professionals and teacher doing.  
  
On the other hand, doctors, nurses and teachers are paid lower salary than other professional like sport. In particular, doctors and teachers play an important role in our society. Perhaps we cannot live at the good condition without their aid. For instance, when the Ebola virus which had killed more than thousands of people infected people in Guinea in 2015, the heroes were health workers such as doctors and nurses because of their dedication to take care and save the of Africa continent. And their dedication also have eradicated the Ebola virus. Furthermore, teachers also provide enormous service to the society. In August 1945, when Japan lost in World War II, they particularly did not call on athletes and actor to rebuild their nation, but Japanese collected teachers to train young generations to build their nation. Of this history, we can see that teachers have brought Japan to become one of the industrialized countries in the world.  
  
In conclusion, giving a higher wage to health workers and teachers than other profession are as our respect to them because of their vital service.
Hi.  
I like your essay but here is few mistakes that I noticed or I would said differently.  
...more salary...  
...higher salary...  
  
...nation....  
... a nation....  
  
It is true that athlete and actor ...  
...an athlete (or athletes) and acting professionals.....  
....than other.....  
  
... Cristiano Ronaldo, who is....(instead which is)  
  
...professionals and teacher do~~ing~~.  
  
On the other hand, doctors, nurses and ... ( this sentence needs some agreement) .... salaries, or you can say that they are paid less than other professionals like in sports.  
  
... and teachers than other profession ...  
....then other professionals...(should be)  
But what other professionals are you talking about, an engineer or lowyer? You should be specific.  
...than entertainment professionals...or entertainers.  
  
I hope this will be helpful.
Faisal, you need to always present a 5 paragraph essay in the task 2 test. That means, the presentation needs the following format:  
  
1. Opening paraphrase  
2. Reason 1  
3. Reason 2  
4. Example / supporting evidence  
5. Summary conclusion  
  
The mistake of your essay is that you tried to discuss various topics in limited paragraphs. Since each paragraph is limited to 5 sentences, with a 3 sentence minimum, that is impossible to do. That is why you are allowed 3 paragraphs within which you present your supporting discussion. When you present an essay such as this, you will be scored down for the missing paragraphs or, and this is where the most damage is done in the scoring, you will get a failing score for the C&C section due to the under developed reasoning and discussion presentations in your paragraphs. Multiple topics per paragraph always result in lower C&C and GRA scores. Always stick to one topic per paragraph in order to increase your scoring opportunities.