dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hoa, your personal opinion statement at the end of the paraphrased paragraph should have been based upon the "extent" of your disagreement with the statement provided. In order to have properly reflected the original prompt, your work should have instead indicated:  
  
*There are some who believe that university education should be free to all since it can be provided by the state. Others believe that students must pay their way through college. I strongly disagree with the latter opinion for a number of reasons that I will be presenting in this essay.*  
  
You must always make sure to reflect the proper discussion instruction at the end of your paraphrase because that will prove that you understood the instructions provided for the completion of the essay. Now, since you strongly disagree with the latter opinion, your discussion that provides 2 paragraphs in support of that stance is just perfectly placed and developed.  
  
I would like to caution you though against using such a specific line of reasoning, such as Vietnam, in the discussion. If you are not asked to base your discussion on personal experience or knowledge, you will do better to just use general references in the presentation so that it will not matter whether or not the examiner is familiar with the educational system as it exists in Vietnam or any particular country.  
  
This is a good essay that was held back by the faulty opening statement. Hopefully you will learn how to better address the prompt topic and discussion requirements of that portion of the essay writing test over your forthcoming practice sessions.
## International tourism - goods and bads

  
  
International tourism has its merits and negative effects. Though some believe that it is more harmful then beneficial, I believe that the increasing trend of global tourism is a positive development.  
  
Firstly, the economy will reap the most out of international tourism. As more tourists visit a country, more products and services are going to be needed to satisfy the growing demand. Therefore, more business establishments are going to be constructed as well as more job opportunities will be available to the locals.This in turn will amplify a nations monetary gains due to these inprovementd. For instance, Malaysia recently focused its attention to tourism making it the top destination to visit in Asia. As a result, it concentrated on improving its services to tourists by byilding more hotels, hence, producing more jobs available for the locals.  
  
Secondly, apart from the economy, tourists may also benefit from global tourism. Not only could it provide enjoyment from visiting a foreign land but also gives tourists additional knowledge on the nations history. Furthermore, it can expose the traveler to a wide variety of culture which then can lead to the discovery of new interests. For example, more and more millenials are concerting to Hinduism after visting India.This is mainly because of the enlightenment that was experienced during the trip.  
  
To conclude, among the many areas that global tourism affects positively, the effects on the economy and the tourists are the most notable ones . Althouh tourism on a global scale have harmful and beneficial traits, I believe that benefits outweigh its drawbacks.  
  
Please critique my essay, specially on my grammar.  
  
Thank you all
John, in an effort to show off your English writing skills, you ended up using terms that belong to at least 3 different essay writing formats. Each term that you used, sent the essay further and further off the actual discussion path as required. Your opening paraphrase alone is severely faulty, having changed the prompt discussion totally in its discussion instruction paraphrase. This change has a negative effect on your TA score. It also seems to me that you did not post the full and correct / original prompt requirement along with your response because it is too short and does not contain the discussion outline as suggested by the original prompt. When you post the essay, please make sure that you post the original and complete prompt requirements. If you were to write a paraphrase closer to the original, it should have been presented as:  
  
*Some people believe that the global tourism trend has harmful effects on a country. Others are convinced that the growth of global tourism has beneficial effects on a country. In this essay, I will be discussing my agreement with the point of view that global tourism has its benefits due to supporting reasons I will be presenting in the paragraphs below.  
  
I believe that global tourism offers benefits to the country that is involved in it. One of the major reasons that I support this point of view is that...  
  
Aside from the aforementioned reason, one must also consider that international tourists...  
  
Therefore, my conclusion is that...*  
  
Please pay particular attention to your spelling. Remember, your LR and GRA scores will be dependent upon the proper use and spelling of the words in English. So mistakes like inprovementd (improvement) and concerting (converting) may seem like nothing to you, but in the end, could result in a final failing score on your part. Be careful. Double check the spelling. Do not rush. Leave yourself with a few minutes to review, edit, and revise your essay before you submit the paper for scoring.
Hi Harry,  
  
... due to **a** large numbers ...  
... with all **the** changes, ~~the~~ various working environment **environments** and ~~the~~ well-advanced technology.  
... restricted to ~~the~~ **a** very best ...  
.., such ~~accessment~~ **assessment** is entirely ~~unjustifiable~~ **unjustified** and (...) it should ~~be available to a large propotion of youngsters~~ ~~available to youngsters on a large proportion~~.  
  
Suggestion : learn more how to put an article, a/an, the or - then should you best to read up the way how to write in academic style.
Harry, you have focused so much on impressing the examiner with your vocabulary knowledge and word usage that you lost focus of the actual prompt requirements. You have given a discussion so complex and heavily worded with "big" words that you definitely have proven that you know a lot of English words. However, knowing a lot of English words and actually discussing the prompt as per the original requirements are two different things. You may know English words but not how to use them in a given conversation. Which is entirely the case in this essay. Numerous run on sentences exist in the paragraphs because you decided that it would be better to just keep writing in English without really creating a coherent and cohesive discussion point. You used commas to continue discussions where it should have already ended and new sentences should have been presented. You decided that it would be best to get around the 5 sentence, 5 paragraph limitation of the exam essay instead of trying to prove that you have the academic skills to provide a proper discussion within the required parameters of the essay. Do not sacrifice the clarity of your discussion in favor of showing off your language skills. Discussing focused paragraphs will always be better than just rambling on as you did in this essay, with unfocused discussion paragraphs. Your coherence and cohesiveness are affected which will lower your overall score. By the way, next time, please post the complete prompt instructions and not just the topic for discussion. I cannot further consider the possible problem points of your essay when the instructions I am given for analysis of your work is incomplete.
dear holt, so you mean that discussing focused paragraphs will always be better than just using too many academic words ? right ?  
my Coherence and cohesiveness are affected so how about the overall score ? which band can i get in writing task 2 with that essay w the topic " : Some People Believe That A College Or University Education Should Be Available To All Students. Others Believe That Higher Education Should Be Available To Only Good Students. Discuss These Views. Which View Do You agree with ?? "
## values of fish imported to the US

  
  
The table describes how value of fish grew in the US (measured in Billion of dollar) and the pie charts compare the proportion of several countries which exported those source. Both of surveyed-diagram present data from 1988 to 2000.  
  
It is clearly shown on the table that fish had values for more than 6.5 billion of dollars in the initial year. By the following 4 year, the number had risen to around 8.5 then grew continually until the end of the period-given, accounted for well above 10.5 billion of dollar in 2000.In the other word, an increasing values itself was about 65% over 14 year-period.  
  
A part from the comparison above, the pie charts showed Canada dominated the imported-fish in America in 1988, 60% of all the exported-countries. Yet in the end of the 2000 the figure for other countries and china took over the domination of Canada in term of imported-fish to America. The former rose to 42% and the latter calculated 30% while Canada saw a gradual dropped to 28%.  
  
Overall, the values of imported-fish in the US experienced an upward trend in all period. Meanwhile, regarding to the exported-fish countries,Canada was initially the largest imported-fish delivered to America, but showed a decline to more than halve in the end of period. However, other countries and China saw a considerable growth in 14 year period and dominated in 2000.  
  
*
Dian, when you write a Task 1 essay, information accuracy is of the utmost importance. When you present the wrong information in your essay, which can be seen by comparing what you wrote with the illustration provided, you will automatically fail the test because you will not get a passing TA score. You made a serious information dissemination error in this essay when you wrote your opening summary. The information you provided was inaccurate and would have misinformed the reader had this been used for an actual report. The proper summary is:  
  
*There are 2 data representations provided in this essay. One is a numerical chart that indicates the total billion dollar value of fish imported to the United States. The second, is a pie chart depicting the percentages of fish imported by the United States from 3 different source countries namely China, Canada, and others. The data covers the individual years of 1988, 1992, and 2000. This essay will report on the provided information from the charts.*  
  
The information is about fish "imported" to the US via the 3 countries. It is not about the US exporting fish to those countries. Your information is faulty and therefore, does not properly represent the prompt requirement. You also reported that the information comes from 4 years, indicating a continuous cycle of information sharing. However, the information is broken into specific years within both charts. Therefore, it does not come from 4 years. Rather, it comes from 3 specific years of measurement. A failing TA score will be given in this instance.  
  
Be aware of your grammar rules when it comes to capitalization. Proper names of countries, such as China are always capitalized. You were inconsistent and have a lower case spelling of the country name in the essay. I know, it seems minimal to you, but to the examiner, that is a glaring lack of grammar accuracy and you will lose points accordingly.
## Foreign languages knowledge

  
  
**Question:** Some people say that the only reason for learning a foreign language is in order to travel to or to work in a foreign country. Others say that these are not the only reasons why someone should learn a foreign language.  
  
**Answer:** In modern times there are many courses and schools for learning a foreign language such as English, Spanish, French, Russian. The most common reason for studying a foreign language is because you are going to work or to travel in a particular country. But nowadays people start learning a different language not only for this but also because they want to enrich their culture and to communicate with more and more people.  
  
Firstly, travelling and working in a foreign country without knowing the native language is one of the most difficult things. For instance if I am going to work in some German company I will be obliged to learn Germany because without knowing it I will not be able to communicate with the other people if they don't know English for example. But in our everyday life not many people can separate time and money for studying language just for pleasure and this is one of the reasons why people learn a foreign language when it's necessary.  
  
Secondly, there are many people who just learn a foreign language because it is a pleasure for them to know more about the country or the people who live there. There are so many websites that you can communicate with people all over the world and to exchange information about the life in the different areas of the world. For example I have a friend whose favorite country is Japan. She is so attached to it that she started to learn the language because she wanted to find more about their culture and to communicate with Japanese people.  
  
All in all, no matter what you work or where you live knowing and studying a foreign language always will be an advantage for you because you will be able to find work easier, to communicate with different people and to enrich you knowledges.
Plamena, you have presented the discussion topic in the original prompt, but you failed to provide me with a copy of the discussion instruction. What are the rules that were preset for you when it comes to the discussion of the topic? I am not clear as to how you were expected to discuss this essay and what sort of information it should contain because you provided the incomplete prompt. As it is, your opening paraphrase seems to be missing some major required elements. I just can't put my finger on what those missing or improper portions are because of the less than complete prompt that you provided. Please remember to post the complete original prompt, with the discussion instructions included the next time around. For now, you will get a general review for this essay.  
  
Do not start any sentence with the word "but". "But" connotes that there is a previous idea that you would like to continue discussing in the same sentence. Since you were presenting a new sentence, you cannot use a connecting word at the start. Your vocabulary skills can use improvement. Remember, the language is German and the country is Germany. You should learn German (the language), not Germany (the country).  
  
Your concluding paragraph did not do you any favors either. You continued to discuss additional information in relation to the previous discussion. That is not the information that should be located in the concluding paragraph. The concluding paragraph should only present a quick run down of the aforementioned topic and reasons (not) supporting the discussion. Any additional information should be located in a separate paragraph before the conclusion. Since you only have a 5 paragraph maximum requirement, you should avoid presenting additional ideas in the concluding paragraph.
## What Makes a Good Neighbor to me?

  
  
If you live alone on an island or a huge land surrounded by farms, you have lots of neighborhoods who live in front of, next to or behind your house. I think that it is so difficult to live with good neighbors. There are some conditions to distinguish who is a good neighbor as my opinion.  
  
The best thing which is considered for a good neighborhood is a kindness. When you go to work or school, you might see your neighbor. At that time, the best situation would be that you and they say hello to each other. If you and they did not do that, it will be caused by an awkward situation. After that, you try to avoid to face the situation. The more this is continuing, the worst it is getting. On the other hand, if you and your neighbor had known each other well, you would have a party together or could be friends.  
  
The second thing is helpful. We are human, so we cannot sure what it will happen. We are exposed to every kind of dangers. I mean that you might be in danger anytime. But, if you have good neighbors, you do not need to find a help. Your neighbors can help you, not away from you. And in Korean saying, it is better to close neighborhood than relatives who live far from you. Ancestors know that a good neighbor is good to take care of your family sometime. I recommend that you keep a close relationship with them near by you. You will have a new family.  
  
In conclusion, people have individual priorities when they considered who could be good neighbors. If I can choose my neighbors, I would like to find how they are kind and helpful. Even though there are more important things by choosing a neighborhood, I would like to think about 2 things I mentioned.
Jinsung, I had to review your essay three times to make sure that I was reading your first paragraph properly. You said in the first paragraph that it is difficult to live with good neighbors. However, in the body of the essay, when you discussed your reasons, what you presented were reasons why it is important to live with good neighbors. More importantly, you highlighted the reasons why it is beneficial, instead of difficult, to live with good neighbors. Are you sure your understood the prompt correctly? These are the sorts of problems created by students who ask for reviews of their essays without posting the original prompt requirements. Had you posted the original TOEFL prompt before your response, I would have a better idea as to how this essay should have flowed and what responses are expected. Right now, there is a disconnection between your statements in your opening paragraph / paraphrase and the content of your essay. An accurate review of your work and weaknesses in writing and presentation cannot be determined due to the missing original prompt. Please make sure to post the original prompt requirements with your next essay. As far as this essay is concerned, the general review above is the best analysis that can be provided to you. I can only give you one analysis / advice per essay so I hope that we can have a better chance at reviewing your second essay instead. Just remember to post the original prompt along with your response.
**Some people think that human history has been a journey from ignorance to knowledge. Others argue that this underestimate the achievement of ancient cultures, and overvalues our achievements. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## modern vs ancient culture

  
  
The modern world is more sophisticated than the ancient world. While this statement is commonly believed by some people, others don't agree .I realize that the feat of ancient is basis of current developments and globe with high-technology leads human race today.  
  
People of ancient cultures made a numerous innovations and discoveries .Using fire and making languages is remarkable of them. Even the technology to build the Pyramids of Egypt is landmark in the present world. This analogy applies to all facilities enjoyed by the current culture. Admittedly, People had the knowledge they needed to understand and deal with their world in the past. However; one should not forget that whatever that is available today is actually a progressive evolution of what was showed in the past.  
  
It is fact that the contemporary world has witnessed technological advancement. These are seen in almost all facets of life which directly or indirectly benefit the mankind. For instance, Robots are employed to perform minor surgical procedures and treatments in the medical field that is not possible in the past , Such developments make people think that current generation is more gifted than and superior to people of the past.  
  
To conclude, earlier developments become a stepping stone for current generation. This trend induces tremendous modernism for human. Although people are in the peak of human civilization now with hi-tech, I feel that the establishment of this civil world is based on the inventions and discoveries of yesterday.
Fiza, your essay does not discuss the original prompt requirements at all. Your opening paraphrase failed to represent the proper discussion and instructions, and did not offer anything near the original information in its presentation. You have failed to get a passing score in terms of Task Accuracy and as such, have automatically failed the test. The failure is due to the wrong interpretation of the prompt requirements, as displayed in your faulty opening paragraph. A more accurate representation of the discussion is:  
  
*There is a historical belief that the achievements of man have been based upon a journey of knowledge. The belief that man came from ignorance and later on achieved knowledge has been opposed by those who deem it an underestimation of the historical contributions coming from ancient civilizations. They are of the opinion that the intellectual achievements of man has been given undue importance in the discussion. This essay will shed further light upon the two sets of beliefs along with my personal opinion regarding the topic.  
  
The belief that man has achieved things based on knowledge is said to be supported by....  
  
However, the fact that ancient man did make notable contributions towards the modern achievements of man...  
  
Based upon these two discussions, my personal opinion is that...  
  
In the end, the value of ancient man's contributions and the development of man's intellect...*  
  
The presentation above is my suggestion as to how you could have best discussed the essay. The manner of discussion I used clearly indicates the position of each opinion and allows for the development of your personal opinion, prior to the presentation of the summarized discussion. In this format, you stand to get a better chance at a higher than average passing score. Your discussion however, did not discuss the essay the essay in the required manner and would not have received a passing score because of the mistake in your discussion topic and presentation.