dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the statistics about australian vehicles

  
  
The table shows the numbers of five different catagories of vehicles which was registered in Australia in 2010, 2012 and 2014.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the figure for registered passenger vehicles was the highest in all three years, but in term of growth rate, motocycles witnessed the most dramatic propotion. In addition, all five kinds of means of transport had the percentage change increased over the period.  
  
Starting with passenger vehicles, this kind of transport had the figure at 11, 800,000, then rose by 10.2% to reach 13,000,000 in 2014. In contrast, commercial vehicles whose figure was significantly lower had the number was only 2,300,000 in 2010. Howerver, the growth rate of this form of vehicle was 7.4% higher than that of passenger ones.  
  
The most drastic change was motorcycles, which has figure in 2010 at 540,000 to 709,000 in 2014, an increase of 30.8%. The other catagories also show an upward trend, with the rates were 8.3% and 23.5% for heavy trucks and light trucks respectively.  
  
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Try to present a more concise presentation for this report. The Task 1 essay is normally represented in only 3 paragraphs. The Task 2 essay is what normally calls for 4 paragraphs because that essay requires an opinion anaylsis for the presentation. The task 1 essay is merely a reporting essay that does not require much analysis. The information is also presented in only 3 parts, thus making the 3 paragraph analytical report the more time efficient and concise presentation.  
  
As you can see in the above chart, there are 3 groups presented based on the years of comparison (2010, 2012, 2014). That means, these are the 3 main presentation points, with all other information mixed into the paragraph data report. It is because of the 4 paragraph format that you miss out on presenting the better scoring essay. You are more focused on run-on sentence presentations within the 4 paragraph format. That means, you are making more GRA errors accidentally. In fact, your essay has 5 spelling errors that you missed out on correcting, thus lowering your LR score as well. If you had focused on the scoring considerations instead of creating a 4 paragraph presentation when 3 paragraphs were more than sufficient, then you would have had enough time to edit, spot, and correct any and all the errors in your presentation.
## hydroelectric power station

  
  
The process diagram illustrates steps of how a hydroelectric powerplant produce electricity.  
  
The power station is situated in between two water reservoirs, high-level and low-level. There are two stages in electricity production. At day water flows down to the power station, generating power. At night water stored in the lower-level reservoir is pumped to the high-level one, refilling the water store.  
  
In order to collect water coming from rivers in the high-level reservoir, a dam is constructed. During the day, the intake under the dam is open and water flows down through the reversible turbines, operating the generator to produce electricity. The power then transfers to national grid through power lines, while the flow of water is stored in the lower-level reservoir.  
  
At night, water in low-level reservoir is pumped back into the high-level one using the same turbines in power station and pipe lines. In this stage, the intake is closed. When water is transferred into the high-level reservoir, the power station is ready to start the procedure of power generation again.  
  
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The clearer version of writing this report is the 3 paragraph version. The 3 paragraph version allows you write less information but with more clarity because you are able to properly group the information in a quick manner that will allow you to clearly explain the image within 20 minutes, leaving you with some time to edit your work. Insisting on writing the 4 paragraph format forces you to continuously meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. Sometimes, the image doesn't supply you with enough information to meet that sentence requirement. However, the 3 paragraph version allows you to meet the minimum requirement. I noticed that you struggled in this writing when it came to writing the paragraphs, all because you want to use the more complex, but not time friendly version of the paragraphs. Well, the choice is yours anyway. Use the 4 paragraph version and struggle with your writing every time if you wish. It really doesn't matter to me.  
  
If you had used the 3 paragraph version, you would not have struggled with your information presentation because you would have had exactly 3 groups with which to write this essay:  
  
Group 1: Summary overview  
Group 2: All the daytime procedures  
Group 3: All the nighttime procedures  
  
Do you see how you are the making the writing difficult for yourself? It all about the grouping of the information, not the number of paragraphs you are presenting. The standard paragraph format 3, so do not overdo it. You are risking making more errors in this part of the test because of it.
Topic:  
***Happiness is considered very important in life.  
Why is it difficult to define?***  
## What factors are important in achieving happiness?

  
  
***Give reasons for your answer and include examples from you own knowledge or experience.***  
  
Everyone is eager to find happiness in our lives, and we started to view happiness as a goal. However, it is hard to define what is happiness and different reasons can make us feel happiness.  
  
There are several reasons why it is hard to explain happiness. Everyone has their own definition, some may say happiness is getting rich, having tremendous power, or simply just having a nice meal. Nevertheless, people are not easy to be satisfied, we keep wanting more. We often think when we reach specific points we will find happiness, but most of the time we find it is difficult to say that we are happy and satisfied. Therefore, I believe happiness is so hard to define because everyone holds various views, which are changing all the time.  
  
In my opinion, I define happiness as a state of mind that we need to feel rather than to reach it. There are three main factors to achieve happiness. Firstly, I suggest the most important thing is our wellbeing of body and mind since these are what matter us the most. Secondly, being appreciated is a very essential skill in order to feel happiness, for the reason that once we learn to appreciate, we started to love and thank things around us. For example, I remember when I first started to think in an appreciated way, I felt grateful and joy for even the trifles in my life. Finally, sharing our love and appreciations to others will let us give what we received back to society, and I believe it is the most effective way to make us feel a sense of fulfillment.  
  
In conclusion, although happiness has diverse definitions, there are certain ways to feel happiness.
@amy322  
I'm just gonna fix some grammar mistakes, starting from the top:  
"it is hard to define ~~what is~~ happiness"  
  
"... make us feel happy"  
  
"We often think that when we reach specific points in life we will ... we find it ~~is~~ difficult to say ..."  
  
"which are forever changing"  
  
"... since these factors are what matter to us the most."  
  
"being appreciative "  
  
"... to think in an appreciative way"  
  
"... love and appreciation~~s~~ to others"  
  
Keep going, you're almost there ^^
It would be better for your presentation in the paraphrase section if you do not include information that is not referred to in the original prompt. When you do that, you change the discussion information. In this case, you not only used non specified information, but you also failed to directly outline your discussion topics based on the question responses that were required in the paraphrase + response section of the first paragraph. You could have done it this way instead:  
  
*Bliss is considered essential to the high spirits of a person. However, nobody has successfully explained what the true meaning of happiness is. This is difficult to specify because the word is defined differently by each person, all based upon their understanding of the word. One of the determinants of this word is the state of mind of a person.*  
  
It is important to give the examiner an overview of what the discussion topics in your succeeding paragraphs will be about as this will help him understand if you understood the discussion questions and what the expected response formats are. In your presentation, you left all of these unclear and thus, left your response without a true direction or meaning.  
  
Your 3 reasons are not related to one another. These reasons created little explained factors when it comes to reaching a state of happiness. The paragraph becomes under developed and lacking in clarity. Try to use more related reasons that can culminate in a singular example that will clearly illustrate or embody the 3 reasons you presented. Such a presentation will help you score better in the C&C section of the scoring consideration.  
  
Develop the concluding paragraph. Always use 3 sentences minimum. Do that by properly restating the important discussion points in the final paragraph presentation.
***Essay***: **All museums and art galleries should be free, others think there should be entrance fee.  
  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion?**  
  
Although it is sometimes thought that museums and art galleries should offer free admission to their visitors, other people believe that there should be an entrance fee. In my opinion, I consider that such national places should not be free of charged for the public. (45words)  
  
On the one hand, some people think that entrance fee is indispensable for maintaining national places and I agree. In other words, governments do not have sufficient funds to subsidize museums and art galleries and there are other priorities for public money. Therefore, the money earned from entrance fee help these places survive. Furthermore, an admission charge provides visitors with positive experiences during their visit. In other words, an overcrowded museum would make it difficult for many art-loves to push through the throngs of people, let alone admire pieces of art. By contrast, a less crowded museum may enable visitors to stand and contemplate a work of art. (108 words)  
  
On the other hand, it is often believed that it is better if museums and galleries should abandon entrance fee. As people, we are attracted to somewhere free of charge, so offering free admission would encourage more people to visit. Another reason why many people believe that public should not be charged fee when they enter museums or art galleries is that it is an effective way to promote country's cultural background widely. For instance, visitors are possible to pay more attention to such places while getting stuck for ideas on their holidays when it is free. (97 words)  
  
In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I think that museums and art galleries should charge an entrance fee for help these place work and give positive feeling for visitors. (32 words)
Do not make it a habit to write your word count per paragraph during the practice essays. You may be distracted by that during the actual test. Just make sure that you write between 3-5 sentence per paragraph. That will assure you of meeting the minimum - maximum sentence and word requirement per paragraph. You won't have to keep track of your word count if you use the expected paragraph format presentation throughout.  
  
So, this is a comparative essay discussion. Yet, you treated is as a singular point of view presentation. Were you confused by the instructions? It clearly states that you have to discuss both points of view and only after that, give your your own opinion. So the format you should have used was:  
  
Sentence 1: Public point of view  
Sentence 2: Explanation of why the public believes this  
Sentence 3: Your opposition or support of this point of view  
Sentence 4: Why you believe / do not believe this point of view  
Sentence 5: Use an illustrative example to add clarity to your support / non support of the opinion  
  
You cannot simply say "and I agree". There has to be a build up of your explanation for the support or opposition to the opinion. The use of proper gender free pronouns would help add clarity to the presentation by clearly differentiating between the public belief and your point of view. Without it, the essay becomes confusing to read. Who is actually speaking in the paragraphs? Where does the public opinion start and end. Where does does the personal opinion begin and end? Work on the clarity of your discussion presentations.  
  
The concluding paragraph cannot be a single sentence. It always needs at least 3 sentences that will properly summarize the previous discussion. Don't just lump it into one sentence and hope that the examiner can find clarity in what you are saying. The conclusion should be just as comprehensive as the discussion paragraphs to help close the essay on a clear and strong note.
***Essay: Some say that news has no connection with most people's life and it is a waste of time for most of us to read newspapers and watch television news programs.***  
  
## Do you agree or disagree?

  
  
News importance is an issue which has many's the time generated a myriad of controversial debates. Whilst there is a school of thought which contends that current affairs are irrelevant to people's lives and it is such time down the drain watching news, I would be convinced that keeping posted with the news is not so purposeless as some certain individuals suppose.  
  
To begin with, from my perspective, following the news has brought about numerous advantages to every civil. Firstly, gaining information from official sources is attributable to raise residents' awareness of prelevant events. Take COVID-19 as a stark example, with the proper guildline along with the up-to-the-minute national reports, the death toll can be kept at the minimum and citizens are armed with fundamental knowledge to remain safe. Nevertheless, phenomenon of watching information program is likely to facilitate forming comprehensive viewpoints about everyday issues such as politics, science or economy. Not only can news readers have their own stance when judging any angles but they also more topics to discuss with friends in daily talks.  
  
On the other hand, it is true to some extend that a minority of news is loosely associated with human life . Specifically, celebrities' scandals, which are not crucial in citizens' lives are sometimes overly paid a great deal of attention to. However, this kinds of news could serve as a form of entertainment.  
  
Given to this argument, I oppose dimissing news as an unnecessity, thus it is strikingly evident that official broadcasters invariably have a profound influence on humanity.
You seem to be addicted to using apostrophes in your presentation. You are using it at every turn, every chance you get. Please review the apostrophe usage rules. It is only used in several instances:  
  
- To show ownership in a word  
- To show the plural form of a word (not at all times)  
  
Some people seem to think that the constant use of an apostrophe will make a word automatically plural. That is an incorrect belief. You can use it in contractions ( although not suggested in academic writing) and when presenting possessive nouns. There are still several other times when you should use and not use the apostrophe, but then this review is not just about the use of that punctuation mark. Kindly review your punctuation lessons to get a better understanding of how to properly use that punctuation mark.  
  
Since this essay is a personal point of view response, there is no need to indicate, "From my perspective" or, if you want to use that line, then do not say "To begin with" as that is an unnecessary word filler. Just use a topic sentence at the start. It adds clarity to your presentation.  
  
Good work on using Covid -19 as an example in this essay. It shows that you are clear about the topic presented and what examples can best support your opinion. That will help you score well. Bad job on suddenly changing from a single opinion defense to a comparative discussion. Since you were not asked to compare both points of view, there was no need for you to do so. This will lower your scoring potential because you altered the discussion instruction from the original .It is quite possible that this paragraph will result in a word count deduction since it is not related to your original stand, thus making your essay come in under the word count, and possibly limiting your chances of passing the test.  
  
Never use a single sentence for your conclusion. You must always use a reverse prompt statement:  
- Topic  
- Reasons  
- Personal opinion
Please review my Toefl essay. Thanks a lot  
  
## ***DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT?***

  
Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries.  
  
Although libraries are a great place for students to look up information and increase their knowledge, sports activities also benefit students in many ways. In my opinion, student's sports activities should receive an equal amount of fundings as libraries from university. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following paragraphs.  
  
Firstly, sports play a crucial part in improving health for students. Playing regular sports can have a positive impact on both their mental and physical health. It can help stengthen their bones and muscles, which leads to a smaller chance of injury. Furthermore, sports contribute to ensure a healthy heart, and thus, people who play sports are less likely to suffer from heart diseases in their later life. In addition, playing sports also allows students to unwind after stressful hours in class. For instance, I usually play volleyball afterschool because it helps me refresh my mind and be more energetic. That is the reason why I think sports is essential in students' life.  
  
Secondly, sports activities enable students to expand their social relationships. Participating in sports clubs in school provides students the opportunity to meet and befriend new people. Take my younger brother as an example, he joined a scoccer club in highschool and met some other boys who have the same interest. Since they were members in a team, they not only played scoccer but also experienced all the ups and downs together. They learned to understand and coorporate with each other in order to defeat their opponents. For instance, in every match, they learned to simultaneously perform complex motions pointed towards the same goal. However, no matter what the final results are, they were always together and support each other. As a result, they became close friends. Thanks to the soccer team, my brother had the chance to meet his group of close friends. Hence, sports is undeniably an indispensable part for students and should obtain equal attention as libraries from universities.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that educational institutions should invest the same amount of money in sports activities and in libraries. This is because sports not only enhance students' health both physically and metally but also offer students the opportunies to socialize and broaden their relationships network.
Your introduction does not contain a good hook. It is not creative enough to restate the topic and your responses in a manner that actually makes the reader care about what you have to say. Your last sentence in particular, could make the reader walk away from reading the rest of your essay. So how can you improve it? Don't just restate the prompt and say you will discuss the topic. Make it clear that you understand the requirements of the discussion by telling the reader how you feel about the topic immediately. Connect is to something personal. For example, you enjoy reading in the library more than using the sports facilities of the school. Open with that. Use the rest of the essay to explain why. Make it personal. Do not separate yourself from the issue.  
  
For the TOEFL essay, you can present a 3 paragraph discussion to make it easier for you to write the essay:  
- Introduction  
- Reason  
- Conclusion  
  
Focus on the clarity of your explanation. Do not over explain things. Remember that editing the paper is just as important as the clarity of your explanation. Lesser errors in spelling, grammar, and clarity will also help your score. You have several of those errors in this essay that were left unchecked because you thought that by writing 376 words, you would get a better score. The more error free and clearer your reasoning explanation, the better your score. Not the other way around.
The following is my writing for task 1. Thanks in advance for your comment and advice.  
  
## write a report describing the information

  
  
This chart shows the percentage of women employed in four countries over an interval of twenty years. Information is shown for the USA, Korea, Afghanistan, and France from 1985 to 2005.  
  
As can be seen from the chart, the rate of employed women in the USA went up steadily from 1985 to 2000. There was a slight decrease in the last five years. In Korea, there was a steady twenty-year increase with no fall in the percentage of women employed. For ten years from 1985 to 1995, Afghanistan's percentage of employed women rose slowly. However, there was a sharp drop of 30% between 1995 and 2000. This went down further in 2005. France's rate of employed women fell by 10% in the first five years of the period. The rate then increased continuously until 2005.  
  
In conclusion, all countries had a higher percentage of employed women in 2005 than in 1985 except for Afghanistan. Out of four countries, the USA and France were the countries where the majority of women were employed in 2005  
  
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I think that overall, this essay is pretty solid, however there's a few things i would like to add. I think there's too many "there was", so please consider paraphrasing it. Also, a major problem in your essay is that there's almost no comparison, you need to make more comparison between the countries, for example, between Afghanistan and France, how steadily grew while the other plummeted. It would also do your essay good to put in more transitional words, for ex: Furthermore, Despite of, Nevertheless .....
There is no comparison statement in the presentation of your summary. That should be included in the presentation. An upward and downward trend should be easily identified for the reader to consider. Additionally, this is a line graph, not a simple chart. Always use the correct image description for your presentation. Familiarize yourself with the various images used in the Task 1 presentations.  
  
The Task 1 report dies not require a conclusion therefore one should not be present in your essay. The 3-5 sentence format is required for all 3 paragraphs. So you should have further expanded on your summary overview and last paragraph presentation. You should have 190 words presented in total. Use a more expanded vocabulary. Rather than saying "10 years", indicate "a decade" which is the advanced vocabulary form of 10 years.  
  
Never say "as can be seen" because the idea behind this report is to present a verbal picture of the graph. The reader is assumed to not have a copy of the image. Therefore, you cannot say "As can be seen". Rather, you can use a description based on how you saw the chart.