dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*Nowadays many people have access to computers on a wide basis and a large number of children play computer games.  
What are the negative and positive impacts of playing computer games and what can be done to minimize the bad effects?*  
  
## Childhood amongst games

  
  
Recently, playing computer games on childhood has become a topic of debates, raising relevant concerns between parents and society. It is true the number of digital games on early ages has increased and more users accessed personal computers. Overall, this essay will point out the benefits and drawbacks to playing games and provide suggestion that might mitigate this issue.  
  
First and foremost, there are clearly a great improvement cognitive skills developed by game players. Tablets and devices will teach youngsters how be a quick thinker. For instance, if a child was educated with plenty of information, internet, technologies and artificial intelligence through games he or she would likely learn any major faster rather than those do not. However, drawbacks come across such lack of physical activity, far less social relationship and even worst the extremely exposition and vulnerability. Instead pupils should be educated on a safe environment.  
  
The key factor could tackle this issue is probably the most commonly in our society, as broaden information about length on computer have already been discusses. How long should be allowed children playing games daily? Since that the kid goes to school, play sports and have friends with any lack of essential needs, parents usually allow them around one hour per day. Moreover the most crucial point should be balance their entertainment and daily basis.  
  
In conclusion, although digital games brought cognitive development, it is dangerous on social behaviour and daily routine. However, a limited time in front of computers can diminish those problems.
Instead of writing "playing computer games on childhood", you should write this way "children playing computer games from the very early ages".  
And in the thesis statement, you should not use "point out", just simply use the verb "discuss".  
There are also some grammatical mistakes throughout your essay, such as "there ~~are~~ is clearly a great improvement *in* cognitive skills ~~developed by~~ *among* players".  
  
and "the most commonly (...) in our society, as broaden information about*length* on computer have already been ~~discusses~~ discussed". What do you mean by information about length on computer?  
  
There should be some more sentences explaining the drawbacks.
she would likely to learn any major(what?) faster rather than those *who* do not.  
  
the extremely exposition and vulnerability (in what?)  
  
... probably the most ~~commonly~~  *common solution* in our society *such* as broaden the information about *the* length (of what?) on computer *that* have already been ~~discusses~~ *discussed*. How long should ~~be allowed children~~ ~~playing games daily?~~  *children be allowed to play computer games?* Since, the kid ... have friends ~~with any lack of essential needs,~~  parents should ~~allow~~  limit them to play their favorite games atleast one hour a day. Moreover, the ~~most crucial~~ *main* point should be *the* balance ~~their~~  of having the entertainment and daily ~~basis~~ activities.  
  
However, ~~a limited~~ limiting the time in front of *the* computer~~s~~ can diminish ~~those~~  the problem.  
  
Hello! You have a good argument. You have good body paragraph construction. I was confused in the 3rd paragraph. i think you should focus on suggestions to minimize the bad effects and don't leave the reader fill in the blank in some of the sentences. Just a friendly advice
Hi,  
  
This is a good attempt, however, 'overall' is normally used in writing task 1, it would be better if you avoid using it in task 2 essays as these already have a conclusion in them.  
  
I would advise you to brainstorm main points and supporting points for the body para's before writing, this will improve your writing flow and will aid in thinking appropriate linking device.  
  
for this essay my preferred structure would be:  
  
Indro  
Advantage  
Disadvantage  
Solutions to the disadvantage mentioned  
Conclusion  
  
Hope this help.
Franciane, this being a 5 paragraph comparative essay needs to be better threshed out than the way that you currently have it. You have written about the advantage and disadvantage in a single paragraph with multiple discussion points indicated. Don't lose focus of the main C&C requirement which is that a paragraph needs to have one topic sentence at the start and supporting sentences following it.  
  
The main problem that you have is that you are not focusing on trying to explain yourself in this essay. My guess is that you have been watching the clock too much to make sure that you do not go overtime. That is why your sentences are scattered and little developed. You do not have to watch the clock if you just remember to write 1 topic sentence and 4 sentences after that. A total of 5 sentences. One you write 5 lines / sentences you can consider it a complete paragraph and move on to the next one. Don't forget to use the transition sentence at the end of the paragraph to introduce the next topic and paragraph. The way you can best remember this is probably in this equation:  
  
5 sentences + 5 paragraphs = time to edit  
  
Editing of the paper is very important. It helps you to clarify your thought process and presentation and also gives you the chance to correct any errors in sentence development, structure, and spelling.
## studying alone or in a group?

  
  
Education has become increasingly important in many countries around the world. While studying alone is believed is the best way for knowledge seekers, I personally believe that other factors are equally important.  
  
There is a main reason why studying by oneself is the optimal choice to most public opinion, which helps concentrate on studying better. From this aspect at issue, having own private space because of no distraction and disturbance from others, which is the way helps pay comprehensive attention on learning, leads to achieve higher academic results at school . Besides, fostering personal growth is also gained from seeking knowledge by oneself. Due to challenging as well deal with problems by themselves, soft skills such as problem-solving could be enhanced. It is clear about not only can one improve scores but one also applies for seeking for well-paid employment or climbing up to the career ladder.  
  
Nevertheless, I believe that other considerations are just as important as studying alone such as studying in group. The first benefit from this way of studying is motivation. Which means whenever studying with highly qualified people who may also the seeker's role model, one has rationale to pursue one's studying. Thanks to the partners' tutorial, one's own faults are easily recognized and one can be transmitted knowledge. Knowledge seekers in group, therefore, enhance themselves to take know-how in. Moreover, the more people one studies with, the more ideas one gets from others in the same time; due to members not only gets new opinions in short-time, they also gain a huge of understanding.  
  
In conclusion, while studying alone is the optimal choice for most people, I do not believe that it outweighs all other ways
You have good vocabulary and collocation but you should know how to use them.  
  
You can generate atleast 2 reason if you agree or disagree  
  
Intro: Paraphrase the question, your stand (agree or Disagree), then your reason  
  
Paragraph 1 (1st reason) topic sentence, explanation & Example  
  
Paragraph 2 (2st reason) topic sentence, explanation & Example  
  
Conclusion: State you opinion( agree or disagree) and Summarise your 2 reasons  
  
hope these would help you
Nghi, since the prompt thesis asked you to consider whether you agree OR disagree with the statement provided, you were expected to deliver one opinion with a complete body of paragraphs that would support your opinion based on reasons stemming from 3 sources:  
  
1. Public opinion  
2. Personal opinion  
3. Supporting examples that justify both the public and personal opinion  
  
In a straight opinion essay, signified by the "choice" word "or", you need to be able to explain the reason why you support a single stance on the topic. This is never to be discussed as a contrasting essay because that is not the instruction you were provided with. A contrast essay will be indicated by the instruction "discuss both..." In this instance, the question you have to respond to is "agree OR disagree". Just like in real life, when you are faced with choices, you can only choose one. It is kind of like being asked "Do you want to study in your country or abroad?" You respond; "I want to study abroad." See? You made one choice because you cannot study both in your country and abroad. The same goes for this type of essay question.
*In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
## Transport fundings allocation

  
  
Many continents citizens believe that major transport fundings should be used for building new railway lines connecting cities for quick travel. However, others are of the mindset that money ought to be utilized for developing existing transport service for people. In my opinion, it should be based on the needs of the cities and its habitats.  
  
Constructing new train lines will reduce travel time for long distance travelers considerably. For instance, people driving from one town to other daily for better job opportunity waste valuable time traveling that could be spent with their loved one. This will have a direct effect on pollution and traffic problems in a positive way, as trains can carry multiple passengers in one go there will be fewer cars on the road emitting carbon-dioxide into our atmosphere.  
  
On the other hand, for short distance traveler, traffic congestion and road maintenance are of high priorities. These do not use trains daily. Increase population and number of cars on roads has led to heavy traffic and damaged roads. Widening roads, adding lanes and maintaining roads will aid in traffic flow and improve travel time for these short distance drivers. Thus spending money on advancing present public transportation is deemed necessary for these group of people.  
  
In conclusion, I strongly propose to consider the expenditure of the transport service based on the requirement of the people. If there is more inter-city traveler train must be given Importance or vice-versa.  
  
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Can you please advice the band score and areas of improvement for this essay and my writing skill.  
  
Thank you
I think the first sentence can be altered this way: Many ~~continents~~ citizens believe ... railway lines for quick travelling between cities.  
  
And you should add "On the one hand" to start the first body paragraph.  
In the first body paragraph, you should add 1 more points, and in the next paragraph, you should add some more connectors between sentences.  
And your conclusion should paraphrase the idea mentioned in the heading instead of giving out a new idea.
The idea of your essay is okay. Task achievement criteria (checked).  
  
I think you should work on using complex sentences. You can cut long sentences for the reader to better understand your paragraph.  
  
... in a positive way, ***where as*** trains can ... in one go. ***By that***, there will be fewer cars ... (or you can choose better conjunction and connectors)  
  
You can also add explanation sentence after your topic sentence and before giving example.  
  
Hope these would help you.
Gloria, there is a 250 minimum word count for the Task 2 essay. You wrote only 244 words which will result in a severe points deduction for your essay. You will not score well in the C&C and GRA categories as the presentation of each paragraph in your essay is under-developed and little coherent due to the lack of words and sentences per paragraph.  
  
In addition to that, you did not follow all of the instructions for the writing of this essay. This is a comparative opinion essay. That means, "Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion." In this essay, you only provided you point of view in the essay. You made this clear with your thesis statement that said, "In my opinion..." Which is in direct contradiction to the original instructions. Therefore, your essay will only be scored for a portion of the response, which is the personal opinion portion. Unfortunately, that may not be enough to gain you a passing score because of the existing LR, C&C, and GRA problems in your essay. Due to these 2 problems, I will not score this essay. I will wait for a better essay to score. One that has the correct word count and is more prompt responsive / follows the instructions given for the discussion.
Hi everyone, I am going to sit for Ielts exam this August so I really need your advices/ comments about my essays to make them better. Please help me and thank you a lot.  
  
## As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities.

  
***Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
People recently hold the view that businesses should have the duty with community beside their aim to make profit. Personally, I totally agree with this opinion.  
  
On the one hand, making money is not only the way a business exists and develops but also the way it brings potential influences on other aspects of society. It is true that the more profit enterprises create, the more taxation they contribute to national budget. As the consequence, these amount of money would be allocated to vital fields such as education, medicine or environment to serve the public. Another point is that the companies can extend their scale throughout higher revenue, which leads to more job opportunities for unemployment people in whole society.  
  
On the other hand, there are social responsibilities that any business should adopt. Firstly, by developing production system for more profit, many companies come at expense of environment deterioration. According to that, global warming from factory emissions or iresponsible disposal of industrial waste are unavoidable damages. Secondly, business owners should put money back into the community by philanthropic activities or scholarship funds for humanity and education purposes, which simultaneously serves as a wise social marketing strategy. For instance, Unilever, a big coperation, has gave huge charitable donations for disavantaged people and their public image is enhanced a lot due to that efforts helping community.  
  
In conclusion, although making money is really crucial towards businesses, I am convinced that they have strong reasons to be partly responsible for social burdens together with government.
Tran, please keep in mind that the C&C scoring section of the task will be based on a complete paragraph presentation of 3-5 sentences. Regardless of whether this is an opening or concluding paragraph. Therefore, you need to make sure that your paragraphs meet the minimum and maximum requirements. While you did meet the requirements in your presentation, you used extremely long sentences connected by commas to connect your ideas. Long sentences and run-on sentences are not equal to a complex sentence presentation. Do not make the sentence presentations too long as it could be considered a run-on sentence and be scored down in terms of GRA considerations.  
  
Additionally, you should only discuss one topic per paragraph, making sure to fully develop the discussion in order to get a better C&C score. Coherence and cohesiveness is all based on the number of sentences and the strength and clarity of your explanation. That is why you have to limit yourself to only one topic per paragraph. With 5 sentences allotted per paragraph, there is no room for a full 2 topic discussion.  
  
Now, to deal with the major problem of the essay. This is an extent, single opinion essay. While you gave an appropriate response for your thesis statement, you took the compare and contrast discussion route in the body of paragraphs, which is the wrong approach to this essay. Whenever you see the word "or" in the prompt, that means you can only discuss one side of the topic in the essay. Otherwise your essay will only be scored on a partial basis, focusing on the "extent" response that you presented. This mistake often results in a less that stellar score for the exam taker. Unless you are told to "discuss both points of view", you should not be writing about both sides in the essay.  
  
Based on the paragraph related to your thesis statement, you could have had a very good chance of getting an impressive score with this essay. If you had only discussed it in the proper manner / format. Remember, unless directed to do so in the original prompt, all Task 2 essays must be discussed from the singular point of view.
Chaeun, is this supposed to be a research paper or an opinion paper? I am confused as to what sort of paper this is supposed to be because of the relaxed discussion that you presented throughout. An academic paper needs to maintain a professional academic tone at all times. Your paper also has a lack of clarity at the start. You left the reader with a number of questions such as:  
  
1. What was the practicum about?  
2. Where was it done?  
3. How does it relate to the thesis statement of the essay?  
4. What is the thesis statement for this research paper / essay?  
  
The opening paragraph needs to prepare the reader for the discussion. Introduce it properly by setting up your foundation for the discussion. The guide questions above can help you get started with that.  
  
There is a lack of clarity in your discussion. This is not the kind of paper that will be effectively helped by your light hearted anecdotes. There is a time and place for that. This essay is neither the time nor place for your anecdotes. Rather, the paper must be a serious look at the state of education in South Korea. Use your story of frustration as a commentary on the state of teacher's jobs in the country instead of making it a complaint about how your mentor did not have time for you. Show heart. Speak of feeling pity for your overworked mentor. Show that the overworked teachers are one of the main reasons that the quality of education in South Korea isn't as high as it can be.  
  
My advice to you is this; outline your points for discussion first then list the subtopics underneath. Revise the essay in that manner. Read the completed draft and look for the unclear portions (of which this essay has many) and revise it for clarity and cohesiveness. Try to make sure that the paper moves flawlessly from one topic paragraph to another. It is important that the reader is prepared for the change in discussion directions per paragraph in order to avoid confusion. Do these things before you submit this paper and you should be able to clean it up and get a decent grade for it.
Chaeun, the major problems that I see with this research paper stem from the non-academic tone that you have taken in writing the content. As a research paper, the writer is often advised to stay away from first person pronouns such as I and we as this presents a first person point of view instead of a non-bias academic and data driven research presentation. Avoiding the use of any pronoun in a research paper is better for your writing because it allows you to present an objective point of view from both sides of the discussion.  
  
Now, the claims you are making in the paper are good and obviously based on properly researched documents. The problem, is that you lack both an in-text citation for your paraphrased comments and there are not block citations to help strengthen your explanations. You also failed to present a list of sources at the end, which means that your paper has problematic sources and as such, will be questionable in content.  
  
In addition to these problems, you also did not present a clear thesis statement in your opening paragraph. You need to open the paper with a proper explanation of the topic you are going to be discussing, why this discussion is important, what specific question you hope to respond to and what response you look forward to presenting to your reader.  
  
The research paper unto itself is engaging and educational. However, for an academically researched presentation, there are a number of writing and citing rules that you have to follow in order to make the grade as a college student. By the way, avoid capitalizing words that are not proper nouns in your paragraphs. That is an academic writing violation as only the starting word of every sentence and proper nouns may be capitalized in a paragraph presentation.
*More and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to cities in order to look for a job.  
What will be the consequences of this? What solution can you offer?*  
  
## labor migration

  
  
These days are days of new hand-held computer devices, e-commerce and online shopping, It is difficult to just imagine people who are working on fields. Of course, they still exist but are in danger of extinction. They are shifting from their known rural areas to urban cities in order to look for a better job.  
  
I think this event will cause mushrooming array of problems and difficulties. Firstly, the city traffic congestion will get even worse and pollution will increase dramatically because the cities will be stuffed with large number of population. There will be rise in house rent price and a lot of slums, where people suffer from sanitation problems, violence, drug abuse and crime. Sudden surge of people in these urban areas will lead to not enough food supply for everyone and import will be needed. As all of us know, imported commodities are expensive and we will get our situation even harder.  
  
To tackle this situation, government should take proper and adequate measures. I think this could be done by some reconstruction in the government's rule system. Government should start to stimulate people interested in agriculture and investments should be attracted to the rural areas. Not only to create job opportunities but also to further develop the agricultural sector of economy. Local councils also can take steps to upgrade the standard of living in rural areas with better hygiene and sanitation in villages.  
  
To sum up, migration may make many negative consequences and government plays a major role in maintaining the state of equilibrium in the country.
Do not capitalize in the middle of your sentence.  
Put a comma in front of 'and' when you are listing something.  
You use a lot of 'will' why don't you use present tense? It makes your essay look more clear and give confidence.  
  
Overall, your grammar use is good but flow and sense is unnatural to me.  
DON'T MIND ME TOO MUCH, I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT FROM NON-ENG SPEAKING COUNTRY.