dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi all , l am new here  
l am preparing for Ielts and this is my essay ,l hope l would receive comments and feedback from you all ,thank you so much !  
  
## jail time as a solution for crime

  
  
People have different views that whether imprisoning people longer in jails in a longer time or implementing other alternative ways is better to reduce crime rates. In my opinion, there are many measures that can be taken to mitigate this controversial issue.  
  
On the one hand, prison will definitely an effective way to reduce crimes since it would act as a deterrent to people who have intention of committing crimes. To begin with, it may prevent wrongdoers from harming other citizens .This is understandable as during the time they are imprisoned, they are totally being isolated from society, likely being imprisoned in a remote area. Moreover ,they are highly suffering from torturing physical punishments every single days for their previous evil actions and therefore minimize the likelihood of re-offending actions .Another effect worth mentioning is their awareness is raised significantly through the moral lessons and meaningful activities taught in the jails  
  
On the other hand, apart from using jails as punishments we have many other anti-measures to solve it. One of them is non-custodial sentence, a punishment which is not done in prison ,such as fines ,probation orders or community orders service orders .By doing this the authority give them the chance to discern their wrong actions and raise their awareness of not committing a crime. Furthermore, the government plays an important role to tackle the issue. This could be done by installing surveillance cameras in places with lots of criminal activities. One more potential approach is that famous people like movie stars should set a good example for young people to follow, which will eventually lead to decrease in juvenile delinquency.  
  
In conclusion, despite the undeniable effectiveness of prisons, there are many other appropriate solutions can be adopted to ease such problems
Hello katkat  
Here are some of my suggestion:  
- 'imprisoning people longer in jails ~~in a longer time~~'  
- The main idea of your 1st body is that longer imprisonment will reduce crime rate because it deters the potential criminals from committing crimes. However, you explained why prisoners wouldn't re-commit illegal actions after serving in jail. This could be fixed by a slight rework of your topic sentence or a whole change in the supporting parts.  
  
- The 2nd body should discuss why different approaches would lower the crime rate as opposed to long prison sentences. I think you only listed the alternative ways but not really answered the why.
@katkat  
Firstly, please review your usage of conjunctions, demonstratives, and punctuation. You may also utilize the oxford comma as much as you can as it improves how professional your writing is.  
  
Let's look at your first paragraph. You can rephrase it as this:  
The differing views regarding crime reduction juggle between long prison sentences or social alternatives. My opinion is that mitigation can be easy to control the issue at hand.  
  
This is a more straightforward way to open your essay. It does two things: introduce the general problem and show your personal views regarding the possible solution.  
  
Your second paragraph is filled with unnecessary words that lengthen it without adding content. This can be detrimental, especially if you're working within a word count. You can omit the fillers and transition words, ie. using "to begin with in the second sentence when you have already started with "on the one hand" is redundant. When you're transitioning in between sentences, make sure that you apply this same habit.  
  
For instance, the third sentence in this paragraph can be phrased better as:  
The day by day suffering caused by intensive physical punishments minimize the likelihood of re-offending.  
These tips should as well be applied to your third paragraph. You should as well avoid introducing ideas in the last sentence of your paragraphs. This can cause a discrepancy in your essay. If you cannot expound on a thought, simply try to integrate it in the body - or you may as well opt to remove it.  
  
Enhance your conclusion through adding an extensive critical analysis of the two points you have presented. Why is one more appropriate than the other? Introduce a criteria to justify your essay's claims.
## should ketchup be banned?

  
  
In France, Ketchup is illegal in school cafeterias. This is due to French teenagers using so much ketchup in their school lunches. The law was put into place by Christopher Hebert, the president of the national association of municipal catering managers.  
  
I agree with that view of the school. There are two reasons for me to agree.  
The first reason, in my opinion, is to protect the traditional values of the dharma. This helps to confirm the role of traditional food. At the same time, it is not to lose the value of traditional food in the hearts of the dharma.  
  
The second reason, limiting Ketchup also contributes to protecting students' health. Because too much sugar in tomatoes can cause diabetes and obesity.  
Thanks for listening.
Check your capitalization. Ketchup, not unless you are referring to a specific brand, is not supposed to be capitalized. Titles and names of associations or organizations are to be capitalized, ie. President of the National Association of Municipal Catering Managers.  
  
You can compress your second paragraph to be better. Instead of utilizing two lines, create better flow and structure through saying:  
There are two reasons that have made me agree with the school's view.  
Is it required to have limited word count? If not, research a little bit more and add supporting details to your reasons. It will help discussing why these traditional values are important. What is the correlation of traditional food values with ketchup? How does ketchup influence the country in this manner?  
  
Moreover, you can quantify what you mean by the health benefits of cutting off sugar. Discuss the quantity of sugar in ketchup. Is it really that bad that the entirety of ketchup has to be made illegal? Remember small facts like the fact that there are multiple types of sugar - and not all these are necessarily bad for someone's health.
**You are interested in attending a short course at a college in an English speaking country. Write a letter to the college administration.  
In the letter, you should tell:  
·what course you would like to attend  
·give details about your educational background and work experience  
·what reasons make you choose this college.**  
  
## coding course for gaming developers

  
  
To whom it may concern,  
  
My name is Tuan Pham. I am writing this letter regarding my interest in signing up for the advanced coding course for gaming developers at XYZ college.  
  
Allow me to give you brief details about myself. I am holding a master's degree in computer science and I have been working at a software company for 3 years. Recently, I have decided to work for a start-up company which produces gaming titles. I find this field quite challenging and I think your course will provide me with a complete insight into gaming coding in a short period.  
  
The main reason why I select XYZ college for my training is that this institution has claimed a huge reputation among video game coders for many years. All of my peer developers who are specializing in computer games gave high feedbacks of your institution without hesitation when asked. Moreover, since XYZ college is located in Toronto which I have always wished to visit, it will be a perfect opportunity for me to explore this beautiful city during my training.  
  
I look forward to receiving your response.  
  
Kindest regards  
TP
Is there a word count for the letter to be written?  
If not, I would suggest that you talk more about your background. You can start by expounding on the skills that you have, what you can provide for the college, and the plans that you have for the future. Talk about why specifically this program - or rather, these courses - will make you grow both professionally and personally.  
  
Furthermore, you can also discuss more about the city and country that the college is located in. Herein, you can discuss about what makes their academic environment the most conducive when it comes to llearning. The more you can get into the details, the better it will be for you.  
  
I also would omit and replace the last sentence with something else more enthusiastic. You can perhaps say something along the lines of:  
I am truly in awe about this opportunity. I would be grateful to be given the chance to work with you.
@coke  
  
~~Allow me to give you brief details about myself.~~ I am holding ... for 3 years. Here you can provide more details on your working experience or highlight your passion/interest in game  
  
... I find this field quite challenging Be more specific. How challenging it is -> lay more emphasis on why you NEED to continue studying? Does it help you to address your current work problems? and I think ...  
  
...All of my peer developers who are specialised Take about the course descriptions, what intrigues you most? in computer ... Moreover, ... in Toronto ~~which I have always wished to visit~~ You SHOULD NOT focus on this point. It seems to me that you prefer to travel rather than study, it will be ...
Hello,  
I've finished my first IELTS writing task 1 on maps. Could you please help me to review it?  
Thanks in advance!  
  
## presenting changes in an area after completing the energy investment

  
  
The maps illustrate the significant changes in an area where an hydroelectric dam was built between 1980 and 2000.  
With these changes, the area was almost totally transformed with the disappearance of many natural parts, the construction of new dam and towers, and the transformation of the river.  
  
In 1980, green parts of the area such as forest, architect structure and the area for rare plants and animals were located to the west of the the river, but they were totally removed in 2000. Also, irrigated land to the east of the river was demolished to make way for a hotel.  
  
The most significant changes happened in the north of the area. First of all, a hydrolectric dam was built in the north-end of the river to stop the stream. There was also a construction of electricity towers around the dam to generate electric. Besides, the river were widened in its mid-segment to store water. Finally, the village was relocated to the north-east corner of the area.  
  
*
I suggest reviewing the usage of articles. Let's look at, for instance, your first paragraph. The article is supposed to be a instead of an before the word hydroelectric.  
  
Watch out for instances wherein you use contradictory words to explain your thoughts. For instance, mentioning "almost totally" can appear to be confusing. Instead, you can save space through removing the "totally" as the almost is indicative of something incomplete than something that is concrete. I suggest rephrasing these words.  
  
I also suggest being more straightforward with your usage of words. If you reread the text and feel that you may omit some words (mostly articles), then feel free to remove them to make your essay easier to comprehend.  
  
The essay's last paragraph also is quite inconclusive. You may add a sentence at the very end that will focus on wrapping up what these significant changes mean for the dam itself. You can be more creative here than technical just to better the flow of the narration.
## a choice of subjects for study

  
  
Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Other believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology.  
  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
Choosing subjects at the university continues to be a controversial topic. There are arguments on both sides, which I will discuss at this essay.  
On the one hand, some people believe that choosing subjects following their preference has a certain benefits. Firstly, university student opting for preferred areas of study could get a greater insight into a range of facets such as economy, agriculture, music, science... This means they will have more opportunities for a well-paid job. For instance, the graduates with an understanding of various regions will easily become outstanding and surpass other candidates when applying for a position. Besides, nobody can really predict which areas of knowledge will be most useful to society in the future.  
  
On the other hand, other people point out that university students should focus on subjects that will be helpful for them in the future , because of a vast majority of positive effects it brings to. By concentrating on severals particular subjects will help students gain an intimate knowledge, which will make them become a virtuoso at the aspect they choose in the future. Furthermore, it also help to save time and a great deal of money spending on minor subjects, particular in student with tight budget. Similarly, narrowing curriculum down offers students time to relieve burden of study, balance their life via engaging in social activities such as helping the old, becoming a volunteer,...  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that university students should not spend almost their time for studying certain things considered important in the future. Personally, these students should pursue what they are really into, simply because the more knowledge they accumulate, the more opportunity they have in the future career.
I suggest revising how you started your second paragraph. To remove redundancies and create a more comprehensible narrative, you can omit the first phrase "on the one hand" because it does not contribute anything substantial to the essay. When making claims, make sure that you back them up with details. You can, for instance, discuss more about why careers are flexible over time.  
  
You should as well reevaluate your usage of demonstratives, punctuation, and other grammatical tools. You should omit or avoid usage of unnecessary articles. This will make your writing structure better.  
  
Look into using better transition words in, for instance, your third paragraph. Here's a revision suggestion for this paragraph's last lines:  
It financially helps students with tight budgets when the curriculum is narrowed down to only the most important subjects. This will relieve students of unnecessary study time. Therefore, this can result to them having more time for activities that are beneficial for their mental and social health.  
  
Here's also a general rule of thumb in academic writing: if you feel as though you can divide a sentence into two lines, opt to do that than creating heavy paragraphs.
Hi @nhuxuan, here are some points in your essay that should be improved.  
  
1. In the body paragraphs, you stated that students would gain better jobs access by both types of study paths because they provide the "greater insight" (POV1) "intimate knowledge" (POV2). I think these ideas are low-developed that they appear not much different although they belong to different study paths. In the conclusion, you marked the career opportunity again so I understand that was the main point that you want to focus in the essay. If so, you should deepen that idea in the body paragraphs.  
  
2. You should be more careful about gramma and words choice. For instance,  
- *PARTICULAR**LY** in student with tight budget;*  
- *SEVERAL~~s~~ particular subjects, not to mention "several particular" seems unnatural;*  
- "By concentrating on severals ..." ---> *sentence without subject. I think "by" should be removed;*  
- avoid widely-used verb such as point out, bring to.  
  
Hope this helps and to see you come back with a better essay in the near future :-D
Hello everyone! I'm a new member and I've just started writing task 1. It would be better if someone can help to check and contribute some ideas for my essay. Thanks so much :)  
  
## The chart shows how to produce bricks and deliver them to the customers.

  
  
Overall, there are seven stages of producing bricks beginning with clay excarvation and ending with shipping bricks to the market.  
  
Firstly, clay is dug with a digger. The pieces are filtered by using a metal grid and smaller pieces are picked up by the roller. The next step is mixing sand and water into clay. After shaping the bricks by using a mould or a wire cutter, they are dried by oven for 24 to 48 hours.  
  
Those bricks are moved to a kiln which devided into 2 compartments. With the first one, they are kept at a moderate temperature ( 200C - 980C) and then they are burned at a higher temperature (870C - 1300C). Before being packaged, they are given to cooling chamber for 48 to 72 hours. The process concludes with delivery to the consumers.  
  
Words 150  
  
*
@dungpharma97  
I suggest looking into finding better transitions for your essay. Avoid straining your sentences by extending unnecessarily the lines. For instance, your last paragraph can confuse readers as to how the two compartments delineate.  
  
You can mention a line that is similar to this:  
After the first compartment, the bricks are moved into a cooling chamber.  
This will require more alterations for the paragraph, however it will ensure that readers are aware of the shift of environment of the bricks.
## MEASURING WHAT MATTERS

  
  
Since human beings existed in the world, animals have always accompanied us. They are of great help to human in different aspects. However, in recent years, a growing number of people believe that instead of investing money in preserving wild animals, government should spend those money on improving human beings. In my opinion, I would not go along with them.  
  
Firstly, money invested in animal protection to save wide animals, who are in danger of extinction also contributes to well-being of human. As wild animals continue to exist, human can have a great source of entertainment. For instance, government often build zoo to provide a safe living zone for wild animals. Not only beneficial to animal, zoo also provides a great source of entertainment to human. It is an ideal place for families with children to spend their weekends.  
  
Secondly, because the existence of wide animals is essential to the progress of human beings, money on protecting animals is way to improve well-beings of human. As some wide animals has been used for animal testing, they allow scientists to test new drugs. With the help of animal testing, we found cures to many formerly fatal illnesses. Additionally, there are a considerable number of drugs that contain animal products. Hence, the existence of animals plays an importance role in human health care.  
  
From the aforementioned reasons above, I believe that the money government spend on preserving wild animals greatly contribute to the human well-beings. Hence, government should take this idea into consideration to not only preserve the wildlife diversification but also improve human well-being
@anhpnguyen  
To create a more natural flow in your essay, I suggest rephrasing some of your lines. Remember that when you're writing, you are writing with a specific flow in mind.  
  
Let's take your first paragraph. I would rewrite this as:  
Animals are indespensible companions of human beings because of how they offer assistance in many ways.  
I suggest that you alter the last sentence of your first paragraph. An opinion would be better utilized in an essay if you could extend your argument. You could mention a shortened version as to why your argument is in this light. You can also just quickly say that there are benefits to retaining the government's budget allocation.  
  
I also suggest revising your points of discussion in the essay. Because the subject of zoos and animal testing can be crossing an ethical line, it would be better to opt for a discussion on other ways that animals contribute to the well-being of humans. You can discuss, for instance, the topic of why ecological diversity is vital for human beings - or perhaps look for something similar.  
  
Aside from this, a couple of faults come from grammatical errors - all of which can easily be altered through rereading, proofreading, and editing your essay once more.
## Population structure

  
  
*At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively larger number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.  
  
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?*  
  
Some countries' populations consist of a larger proportion of young people and a smaller percentage of older citizens. Compared to the other countries with more aging population, this trend can certainly bring more benefits to societies although it may present some potential drawbacks.  
  
It is true that an increasing number of younger generations may cause possible social issues. One concern is that there might be more unemployed people in the community as more young adults enter the job market simultaneously. As a result, those who have fewer qualifications and lower levels of skills will be unable to compete in an increasingly competitive job market. Another problem may be considered from the housing situation. The young tend to move out from their parents' house and choose to live alone, which leads governments to provide more affordable housing for young adults to meet their growing demand. In other words, governments need to spend more money to tackle the housing issue.  
  
In spite of above mentioned considerations, I believe that the advantages of having more younger population cannot be denied. There is no doubt that a large number of young people means an adequate workforce in society, which would dramatically improve the national productivity, and therefore maintain a stable and healthy economy. Additionally, there will be less money spent by governments on medical services because young adults are usually in robust health. This saved money can be better utilized in educational programmes so that those younger adults can get access to a higher standard of education and accordingly improve their employability.  
  
In conclusion, although the problems of a larger proportion of young population in a country may appear, I believe that its drawbacks are outweighed by the benefits that the trend brings.
Yanhong,  
  
I suggest that you look into revising a few portions of your essay to make them easier to comprehend. Look into having a more direct approach to writing than adding lengthy phrases.  
  
For instance, the last line of your first paragraph could be written as:  
There are both drawbacks and benefits when a country is faced with the trend of a growing young population.  
Another one could be for the last line of your second paragraph wherein it can be phrased as:  
This causes the government to spend heavily on housing.  
When you are laying down facts, avoid articulating it with uncertain language. Make sure that your language is firmer. For instance, avoid mentioning "may cause" or "might be" - instead, you can mention that these are all plausible results. This will make your article sound well-thought about and researched.  
  
Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. It appears to be an extended paragraph that can be divided into two different sentences than one. Make your conclusion clear and concise.