dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi @abang yoga  
I've read your writing and I've noted down some points here:  
  
Nowadays, many people claim ... As a result, it will make ... I think you should merge these 2 sentences to better the structure.[Many people hold the belief that granting the children the right to make decisions affecting their lives in terms of leisure activities, clothing, etc could result in a society of self-centered and selfish individuals. In the meantime, other people challenge such opinion with an argument that it is crucial to allow the children to decide their lifestyles from the early stage of life.However, people argue that it is very crucial ...Also, you may want to include a sentence to introduce your purpose of writing (a thesis statement) or your mark will be reduced remarkably.  
  
On the one ~~sight~~ side, many parents ... to take (do?) whatever they want. ~~This is because~~  because this~~to create~~ boosts/ fortifies their confidence when they are growing up/ grow up. For instance, ~~children~~ when they are ... or going to ~~the~~ some places, ... without waiting for their parents**'** decision ~~where it~~which might *be taking a long time*/ take a while and it will ... **In addition, nothing permission ... impolite dress, and visit a forbidden place**... Your idea in this part is unclear and hard to understand  
  
On the other hand, (...) parents to make a decision.[maybe reconsider your wording to make it clearer?] This is because to ~~safe~~  [GR] they from the bad environment. ... guidance to t*ake something* [differentiate] which one ... ... from the parents ~~that~~ will ~~make~~ havea bad impact (...) will be lack of ~~confident~~ confidence when they ...  
  
In conclusion, both of the opinions *has*have plus and minus, ... **In**My opinion ~~is~~ , the good way ...  
  
So, in general, I think you should pay more attention to grammar. You've made some gramatical mistakes in terms of structure, tenses, etc., and also some typos. The reasoning of your writing is still confusing to me.  
  
Best of luck,  
  
Chantie ^^
Yoga, I do not know where to begin in pointing out the mistakes of this essay because there are so many severe GRA, C&C, and TA mistakes that this is definitely an essay that will not muster enough of a collective score to pass the test.  
  
For starters, your TA does not indicate the correct prompt instructions. As a result you only have a proper paraphrase of the discussion topic, but the reader has no idea what kind of discussion will take place based on the topic. The latter instruction is the most important part of the TA scoring requirements. That is why, without it, you will also just get a partial score for it.  
  
All of your paragraphs are so badly developed that I do not even want to think about how low your C&C and GRA scores will be. All of the sentences are structurally faulty and cannot even pass for a proper simple sentence, which is what your essay was most likely aiming for but failed to do so. You must do more simple sentence development exercises in order to learn the proper method of writing a sentence with the correct subject-verb and subject-adjective agreements. There is simply no indication of you possibly being able to make yourself properly understood in English at this point. The paragraphs are stressful to read because it must be read several times before the reader can even try to guess what it is you are trying to explain.  
  
While you did try to represent the two points of view in the best way that you know how, you failed to discuss a personal opinion as a stand alone paragraph. That is an essential part of the 3 body paragraph requirement. Without it, your essay becomes responsive only to a certain degree, which means it will not get a proper passing score for the Task Accuracy section in relation to the body paragraph discussions either. You cannot pass off a single sentence within the concluding paragraph as a personal opinion discussion. The personal opinion needs to be properly explained and developed as a separate paragraph.  
  
In this instance, you did not write a proper summary conclusion either. It would be best if you reviewed the work of other students who practiced for this test first and learn from their essays and advice given to them. That way, you will also learn how to improve your writing. Just remember, to prepare for the test, you need to build your English vocabulary and your sentence development skills. Focus on that and you should be able to pass the test. Your English comprehension skills are somewhat developed already so that is good.  
  
PS- When you write the word e.g. you should not enclose the succeeding example words in a parenthesis as those two go together. However, you can open a parenthesis, place the e.g. and accompanying words in it then close the parenthesis. Choose between the two proper formats the next time you use that word. It would be better if you just say "for example" and mention the examples instead. Don't try to be creative in writing when you can't even form the correct sentence structures yet.
## Homework for schoolchildren

  
  
*Some people believe that school children should not be given homework by their teachers, whereas others argue that homework plays an important role in the education of children. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion*  
  
People's opinions differ as to whether or not school teachers should incorporate homework into the teaching scheme. While there are some who assume that this exercise is futile, I opine that it is crucial to neither undermine nor remove the presence of homework out of the educational system.  
  
It is justifiable for some to consider homework as a heavy burden for their children. The school day in some countries often lasts longer and as a result, children are often left exhausted and deterred to study more. In fact, the heavy study loads require students to focus sharply on the lessons, thereby making them physically and mentally drained. In addition, recreational activities have proved beneficial for studying from the perspective of cognitive ability. Schoolyard sports exemplifies this situation as it shows a link to cognitive function, in a sense that practicing it softly on a daily basis can stimulate creativity and improve memory.  
  
On the other hand, it is a widely held view that homework is pivotal to the learning process. Revising at home by means of homework affords children the chance to learn about problem-solving and independent working. As children are able to work through their tasks individually and at their own pace, they can reflect on their mistakes and misunderstandings. This practice not only consolidates their knowledge but also enables them to adopt and adapt new learning techniques independently. For example, theoretical concepts which are difficult to comprehend within a short class session might be better analyzed and later applied by students if they do it by themselves.  
  
To sum up, I believe that doing homework is an essential step in studying since its aforementioned drawbacks are eclipsed by the benefits it might bring about.
Grey, unfortunately, your approach tot he whole discussion is incorrect. You have turned a compare and contrast with personal opinion essay discussion into a solely personal opinion presentation. This has created a prompt deviation to large, that your essay will only get a partial score, based on the personal opinion discussion, which will not be enough to ensure that this essay will get a passing grade.  
  
Make sure that you always represent all of the discussion instructions as indicated in the original prompt. In this instance, you were asked to discuss both points of views BEFORE giving your personal opinion. Therefore, this is a 5 body paragraph essay composed of the following:  
  
1. Prompt paraphrase  
2. Opinion 1  
3. Opinion 2  
4. Personal Opinion  
5. Discussion summary  
  
None of these presentations were accurately delivered in your essay. Therefore, the TA section of this essay will fail. Add to that the GRA and C&C problems in the essay and there is no way that you can muster a passing score for your work. Remember to always check the instructions for discussion against what you have written in order to ensure that you have delivered all of the required elements in the paper. Allot at least 10 minutes for review and revision. Just in case something like this happens where you responded to only 1 of the 3 instructions provided.  
  
To further strengthen your presentation make sure that the topic you discuss before your personal opinion is the opinion that you support. That way, your personal opinion, referring to the previously stated discussion can negate the information presented by the side that you do not agree with. Thus making the compare and contrast essay a partial argumentative essay in the process. These essay presentation types are guaranteed to increase your C&C scoring potential.  
  
It is important that you focus on all 3 discussion requirements and not only the aspect you are familiar with. As in this case, you focused solely on your personal opinion rather than both sides of the discussion. How can you do better next time?  
  
First of all, do not present a personal opinion in the opening statement. Simply explain the prompt to the reader as you understand it. That is called the prompt paraphrase. At the end of the paraphrase, explain what will happen in the essay through a thesis statement:  
  
*This essay will explain the factors behind the two points of view and then present my personal opinion regarding the topic.*  
  
The conclusion is not the place to represent your personal opinion as a single sentence. The personal opinion is a stand alone 3-5 sentence paragraph that contains an explanation based on a justifiable reason based on personal experience or personal knowledge. The conclusion is a restatement of the body of paragraph topic sentences that ties in with the reworded thesis statement.
**Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.  
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?  
Has this become a positive or negative development?**  
  
## easier to stay in touch all together

  
  
*Give a reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
It is considered that the way of communication between people has been changed due to the modern technology. Although there are disadvantages of the modern technology, I believe that there are more benefits of this trend.  
  
Earlier people used to wait and try to find easy way to contact their friends and relatives living far. In past there was no technology like mobile,Telephone,Computers,etc. and there was no quick technology to contact or establish any communication between one person to another person. People used to afraid to write their personal feedbacks or things to their love ones due to unsecured medium of communication. The drawback with past communication system was that it was very slow and was time taking process such as telegrams, letters, etc.  
  
Now the things have changed around, people interact with each other to the technology. People easily communicate with their friends and relatives who are living aboard or far from their family. People feel secured to talk with their love ones due to the good means of communication. People can use facebook to chat with their friends and  
  
and they get chance to make new friends. They can call and make video chat with their aboard friend relatives. The technology has provide the mobility faster which help people to talk or to interact of any time anywhere in the world.  
  
People can contact their friends or relatives any time they want. It has become so easier and friendly to be in touch with our friends, relatives even with the unknown people.
**Earlier people used to wait ...**  
  
Earlier people is wrong, it sounds like earlier, people .... meaning, just this morning or a few hours ago..  
  
In THE past... please include 'the' when you talk about the past.  
  
... to BE afraid and it should be LOVED ones...  
  
You can also write 'one person to another' to avoid redundancy.  
  
Those are the things I quickly noticed, you must formulate your sentences correctly and use good grammar.
Bimal, you have written a focused essay that speaks of only one point of view. Excellent work. That is half the battle won in your writing task. However, rather than saying "there are disadvantages: in your thesis statement, which by the way, should have been at least 3 sentences long instead of 2 (3 being the minimum sentence requirement, 5 the maximum), you should have instead used keywords from the original prompt to prove that you understand what is being discussed. The proper reference phrase would have been "While there are some negative aspects to the trend, there are more positive results coming from it." Try to figure out what keywords exist in the original prompt that you can use in your opening paraphrase and thesis statement to further improve your TA score.  
  
Pay particular attention to the way that you write the words. Do not capitalize words that are not proper nouns such as telephone and computers. Do not use non-academic terms for "and so on and so forth" such as "etc." because that removes the academic tone and shows a disrespect for the reader. In addition to that, make sure you leave time to edit your work.  
  
Redundancies such as "and and" in your current presentation also prove to be mistakes that will cost you in the final scoring. Your GRA score will definitely be lower than passing in this instance and because you did not present 5 paragraphs for the discussion, you will also be scored down in terms of the C&C section because this has a mandatory 5 paragraph presentation requirement for Task 2 essays. The 5 paragraph essay is what helps the exam taker to garner the higher scoring consideration. You also need to present a clear concluding summary otherwise you deliver an open ended essay to the examiner which, again will affect the TA score of your essay.  
  
Overall, you have some good points but more negative points in your writing and essay development manner in this presentation. You show the potential to improve over your current work though. Just remember, it is more important to edit your presentation before you submit it. Writing more than 250 words is not as important as the quality of work you will deliver because you are scored on your ability to properly make yourself understood in English and how you use the language. More words will never equate to a high quality of writing. Only proof reading your work before submission can accomplish that task and that, is the only way to ensure a passing score in the test.
## The New Media Are Evil

  
  
Nowadays, it seems to be an increasingly widespread problem that there are so many news and images about violence and disasters in the media. I think that Internet development and media company are definitely responsible for this.  
  
In the past, connecting to the internet was very complicated and its fee was also expensive, so people usually got to know what happened lately by reading newspaper or listening to the radio. This is no longer the case, due to the development of information technology, internet is more and more popular. In today, people can access to the internet anytime easily, followed the increasing of websites providing news around the worlds, but it also leads to the dramatical growth of bad news than ever before.  
  
Another important factor contributing to this phenomenon is that the big aim of media companies, in order to attract more attention of people, they are willing to make the most of bad news becase people tend to read kinds news talking about crimes, earthquakes, wars than the other kinds. The more people read news, the more money these companies make.  
  
In order to solve this problem, in other words, to reduce the news causing negative effects on readers, government should manage information on the internet, also TV, radio and newspaper strictly. More importantly, media companies should think more about the impact of negative information, it will make people always worry and scary because the feel that there are so man robbers, killers, disaters or accidents around them. Besides, the citizes should learn to think positive and do not believe immediately in news they read on the internet.
I dont think I am the right person to correct or give a feedback, but, anyways, with only good intentions here it comes: I believe that your resolution of the problem is a little to radical. I believe that your resolution should be more on the lines of the type of media people should consume and that they should be more selective on their content.  
  
You were in the right track when you said:  
  
the citizes should learn to think positive and do not believe immediately in news they read on the internet.  
  
But try to use words like "discern" or "judge the validity of the information provided" you could also enter the subject of the fake news, and you should dig deaper in your causes. Ask questions like Why? How?  
  
I hope I helped I little.
Vu, since you did not post the complete prompt with this essay, I cannot really tell what your required discussion topic and mode of discussion is. I would however, like to point out that your discussion is confusing. Your title indicates, "media" as the source of violent images in the media. However, the focus of your essay was on the internet and how it contributes to bad news, rather than images. Which is it? News or images? Those are 2 different essay prompt topics. You actually seem to be discussing 3 separate topics in this essay, which poses a discussion and presentation problem. I cannot advise you as to how to fix that TA problem because you did not post the complete original prompt for the essay. Please remember to do next time.  
  
Basically, this is a distracted essay in the sense that each paragraph discusses an unrelated topic presentation. This creates a C&C problem for your score. You cannot score highly in that section because your essay does not manage to present a solid discussion based on one topic. I will withhold further advising on this work because I want to give you a chance to show me that you can actually write a coherent essay. Post another essay here for review. This time, include the full original instructions so that I can properly guide your progress in terms of addressing your weak points.
Jea, in response to your approach question, the answer is no. You did not approach the essay in the right manner. Since this is not a direct question essay, you were not supposed to start the often partially presented discussion in the first paragraph. Rather, you were supposed to summarize the original prompt, presenting it in your own manner within the first paragraph, without discussing the topic at all. You must also never exaggerate your presentation. These topics are always presented as discussions, never as debates, arguments, or any other angry form of discourse. The proper term to use is always "discussion, belief, understanding" and other similar, placated discussion terminologies.  
  
With regards to your actual paragraph presentations, you tended to run too long in your presentations alright. In this type of essay, you should aim to discuss the paragraph topic, that is one topic per paragraph, within 3-5 sentences. If you cannot do it in 5 sentences, but can do it in 3, then it is acceptable to the examiner. Now, your actual discussions, when not violating the presentation requirements, are actually sound and clear. Good work on the C&C section. Bad work on the concluding statement. This should have only summarized the previous discussion. Consider it the reverse of the opening statement:  
  
Opening statement = prompt paraphrase  
Closing statement = summary of discussion points from the body of paragraphs.  
  
There were redundancies in your essay. Just remember to review your statements and delete any repetitions. Remember, 3 sentences will be sufficient enough for the examiner to gauge your work. Write 250 words exactly if need be. Offer more time to the finalizing of the content of your essay and proof reading instead of writing more words. The content and obvious ability to understand English instructions and express yourself clearly in English is more important in the scoring than the number of words that you are capable of writing.
## Only the fuel? Why not use also the alternative energy?

  
  
The discovery of fuel has brought enormous benefits to the development of the world, however it also raises a question for the future of human once the resources are all out. Many hold the view that increases in the price of fuels are the only solution to this problem. There is some truth in this argument. Nevertheless, there are many measures that could result in the same effectiveness or even better.  
  
It is undeniable that rise in the cost of fuels is of great help to the decrease of these natural materials consumption. The more expensive a product is, the less expenditure people spend on buying it in order to save their budget. It also means that the pressure on the world's fuel resources is lessened and they will have more time to renew their materials. Otherwise, the world will soon run out of fuels and human will lose their most effective energy sources.  
  
However, this solution also brings along some adverse drawbacks for human beings. The rise in the cost of fuels causes the rise int he cost of transportation, manufaction and the fall in the cost of other sources of energy such as solar energy,... which could result in a dramatic shift in the economic structure and have a significant impact on the life of people.  
  
Nonetheless, there are many measures that the government can take and enforce. People should be encouraged to use other alternative energy instead of only fuels. More public transportation should come into widespread use. Last but not least, the government should raise people awareness of the importance of these natural materials and use them properly.  
  
In conclusion, increase in the prices of fuels does not always bring good results. It should be applied along with other solutions in a suitable way and not be overused so that we cam achieve the best effectiveness and solve this issue.