dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## tracking people using modern technology

  
  
Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?  
  
In the current society, it is widely believed that authorities are using more and more technological devices, such as CCTV and phone tracking, to keep an eye on what is done and said. In a number of situations, the individuals being observed do not know that this is happening. Although there are several positive effects of this phenomenon, they certainly cannot surpass the drawbacks associated with this trend.  
  
On the one hand, there are some pros of this that are worth considering. First and foremost, because of GPS, tracking other people would certainly become less challenging. This could be used as evidence when a crime is committed. As a result, crime rates would plummet owing to the fact that people would be afraid of going to jail. To depict this point, an example worth mentioning is that in 2018, a group of robbers broke into a bank and stole all the money, but with the help of CCTV, the police caught them the following day without any noticeable efforts.  
  
Nonetheless, these benefits are definitely outweighed by the drawbacks. Firstly, everyone should have their own rights of doing anything they want unless it is against the law, therefore under no circumstances should they be monitored. A crucial point worth noting is that being monitored could bring a sense of fear due to the fact that what the one being monitored has done could be publicly available on the Internet if there were a data breach. Consequently, this could lead to the death of an increasing number of people if sensitive data were leaked. A specific example of this is that in 2019, a sex tape of an internationally acclaimed singer was leaked and she committed suicide since she could not stand a chance against the general public.  
  
In conclusion, even though there are some possible benefits of using technology to monitor people, the potential downsides of this are more significant.
The first paragraph does not contain enough of a restatement presentation for it to not be judged most as cut and paste presentation of specific aspects from the original prompt. It is important for your TA score to show that you have the ability to explain a topic that has been explained to you with originality and clarity. It is the essence of the original discussion you should be presenting in your own words, without and word usage taken from the original presentation.  
  
As this is a single opinion essay, it is impoetant that you support youe opinion only with justifiable data rather than a comparative presentation. While your restatement shows a clear opinion, your reasoning paragraph creates confusion for the reader due to your sudden support for both opinions in the reasoning paragraphs. You have obviously not decided on a particular opinion to support, thus creating a divided opinion where you first stated, with clarity, an opinion that you actually support in the first paragraph. Focus on the reasons for the outweighing reasons only next time to avoid confusing your opinion and reasoning paragraphs next time.
## migration from rural to urban areas

  
  
**In the last twentieth century, the proportion of the world's population living in cities has increased substantially. People have moved in ever growing numbers to urban areas. As immigration from rural areas to cities continues, it is inevitable that the infrastructure in these cities will collapse. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
After end of previous century until now, people are motivated to live in the cities. This treatment of people has some problems for these cities, such as shortage of basic facilities for new arrivers. This essay tries to discuss about my agreement about this topic and express my opinion.  
  
In the first, by growing suddenly the population of people in one city, the infrastructure such as water, gas, sewerage, electricity cannot increase as the same rate as the grows of the population. So, outskirts will be appeared with low level of basic facilities. As we can see these days, around many big cities, a lot of areas are occupied by poor without any fundamental facilities.  
  
Also, these people need education and job, it should be provided more schools, universities, companies by municipal, which makes long time and process to produce the facilities for whole of people. Because education needs to hire teachers, professors and researchers and provide budget to support them.  
  
In addition, many big cities has to provide huge amount of budget for building new park, cinema and shopping centers, which cannot be available in the short period of time and managing the structure of city for extra population needs deep knowledge and design.  
  
In the summary, whole of my explanation shows that growing fast population of cities makes them creditably challenge to provide facilities as the same rate. The water, sewerage, electricity should be extend to avoid to face poor area around cities. Also, education cannot be easily provided for whole of people. In the end, design of more area for entertainment needs long time.  
  
Thanks a lot if you give me the total score of IELTS for this writing.
Sorry, no scoring unless you avail of our private review services. Students who score your essay will find their accounts immediately suspended. However, you will be able to figure out the type of score you will be getting based on the overall review of your essay that I will be providing.  
  
You need to build your English vocabulary and also, your understanding of the meaning of English words. Your English word usage is obviously ESL beginner, which is the worst kind of English speaker as they normally cannot form clearly presented, coherent sentences. That is the main problem with your presentation. You also did not respond properly to the question provided which is "To what extent" instead, you only agree, without a degree of measurement such as "I strongly agree / disagree". Your thesis presentation is incomplete as you do not clue in the examiner on the reason behind your opinion. For example, you could have said: " I based this opinion on the publicly known information that..."  
  
This is only a 4 paragraph essay because it is not a comparative plus personal opinion essay. While you will not be losing any points for writing 5 paragraphs, writing 5 problematic paragraphs only creates more errors on your part that, in this case, further led to the failing score of this essay.
## Essay about the advantage and disadvantage of social media

  
  
Please help me correct my essay. Thank you so much.  
Q: The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?  
  
A:  
Along with the advent and development of the internet, social networks are also constantly evolving and are gradually replacing the direct communication among many people. Although there are some nagative effects of social media, the benefits that social media bring is enormous.  
  
First of all, thanks to social media, so that people who are half the world apart can see and talk to each other. Childrent studying abroad, parents working far away from home can keep in touch with their families on a daily basis using the video call features of Facebook, Skype or various other apps. Secondly, social networking offers a great opportunity for companies and traders to easily bring their products to many consumers. Furthermore, in the present era, when the corona virus epidemic broke out, social media contributed significantly to the fight against the spread of corona virus.  
  
Aside from the benefits, the fact that people use too much of online communication via social network also has some harms. Being too immersed in the screen of computer or smartphone can make people forget how to socialize. Moreover, social media also has hidden hazards that if we are not alert, we may become a victim of it.  
  
In conclusion, even if there are minor drawbacks, I strongly believe that the communication tools bring many advantages to both individuals and communities.
Okay, I am not going to review this essay beyond the task accuracy requirements and your writing response. Since you wrote only 222 words, the essay will automatically receive points deductions for an incomplete minimum word count. This could actually cause you to get a final failing score in the actual test because the TA requirements for writing were not met.  
  
Your response is correct in the sense that you focused your response to the question on the "outweigh" section of the question. Your reasoning responses also focused on this defense although some paragraphs are better presented than the others in terms of clarity and connected explanations / examples.  
  
The next problem though, is in the concluding summary, which you failed to properly write. You did not stick to simply repeating your opinion and reasons, you changed the discussion angle from the "outweigh" portion to "advantages and disadvantages". You changed the discussion parameters at the end, which is not good for your final scoring consideration. Just summarize the presentation next time.
Dexter Letterman  
  
## DRUM MAJOR ESSAY

  
  
If I were to be selected for drum major I would make sure I was putting my absolute all into making the band the best it can be. I am not busy during marching band, meaning I would have all the time that the band directors needed to make the Grain Valley Marching Eagles the most preeminent they could be. I proclivity getting to meet new kids, and I could make the freshman feel welcome. If a certain section needs help with something I would be there to help them without hesitation. I will always be available to make the band the best that it can be. Anything that the band directors would ask of me, I would do. Coming in early/staying late to help members or load/unload for a competition. I would be there to help whenever I was needed. I understand the commitment that I would be signing up to, and I am 100% willing to put everything I have into the program, to improve as much as possible.  
  
I believe that I have shown to have excellent leadership skills. I definitely can have a fun side that jokes around but when it's time to get to it and be engaged, I believe I'm good at enforcing that. I enjoy running sectionals and helping other groups with anything they're struggling with.  
  
I feel like I have proven my dedication to the band program with the actions I have taken throughout high school so far. I join as many band activities as I possibly can. I enjoy volunteering for the band as well. I've gone to almost every volunteer event that the band has hosted. I feel this shows my zeal and assiduity for the band.  
  
I think that I would be willing to put more time into the band program than the others trying out for drum major. Conducting has always looked fun to me and doing it is so convivial. I've known that I wanted to be a drum major ever since I first saw Ms. Drabik conducting. It was so amazing to me that she was able to bring an entire band together and make our entire show come alive. I loved watching the drum majors look so professional and so sure that they knew that their band was going to have an amazing full run for whatever competition we were at.  
  
I feel that through the past marching season I have earned respect from the band, and even more so throughout the concert season. I have been scheduling sectionals and been putting a lot of effort into the saxophone section, and I believe that I could do that with every section. I would help sections stay on task or I could help the first-year members, so that no one would be left behind and the section could improve together. Making it so that the band directors could spend more time working on drill and choreography instead of basics, therefore making our entire band better. I believe that my determination, passion, and love for our program draws me out of the majority of people applying for this position. Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider my application as drum major.
I am not really sure how good this essay is because I am not familiar with the writing requirements for the essay. I am sure you were asked to write about specific things right? Respond to direct questions? I am not sure how well you did in those aspects because there is no guideline for the review. Anyway, I can still give you a general review of your work just the same.  
  
It would be best for you to not use the word "I think" as that connotes uncertainty on your part and a slight unwillingness to accomplish something. You have already thrown in the idea that you are willing to do anything to become a drum major so suddenly throwing that wrench in with "I think that I would be willing" kind of throws water on the first, the excitement and certainty that you first created.  
  
Aside from that observation, you appear to have a strong inclination to be a drum major in the band and, you are willing to do and say anything to get the spot. Your eagerness if strong and your abilities are well enumerated. I hope the band directors see you in the same way. I wish you the best of luck with your application. Let us know how it goes.
IELTS WRITING TASK 1 24/10/2020  
  
## The maps illustrate future transformations of a college building compared to the present layout.

  
  
Overall, dramatic changes are expected to take place in 2020 with new facilities inside the building and a wider car park.  
  
Regarding the inner space of the building, considerable alterations are planned for 2020. The entrance door will be opposite the road, while the toilets, which have been there, will be moved to the back of the building, next to a newly-built shop. In addition, the library will be relocated to the southwest corner and the reception desk will be in the middle instead of being on the right side of the room as nowadays. A new row of classrooms will also be constructed to the right of the building, leaving the lunch area the only feature remaining unchanged.  
  
In terms of the outside areas, the garden will be demolished t make way for the new building facilities aforementioned. The car park in 2020 will be doubled in size, moreover, thanks to the extra space left by the removal of the present footpath and garden.
## number of Dolphins in Santa Barbara

  
  
This line graph describes the number of common Dolphins seen in Santa Barbara Channel from 1996-2001.  
Overall, there was a variation of the number over the period. In 1996, approximately 1500 Dolphins can be seen and one year later, the number reached about 7500. But in 1998, it went down considerably to about 4000. In 1999, It went up to the number of 6000 and decreased again to the number of 4000. In the final year, the number reached about 7000.  
  
*
This type of data reporting or summary presentation will not get a passing score in an actual test. Why? Well, for starters, the minimum word count is 150 words. You only wrote 81 words. That means you will lose a certain percentage of TA points for not writing the minimum word count. The large percentage of deductions in your TA presentation will result in an automatic TA failing score. Which, unfortunately, means that you will not be able to catch up with the remaining scoring considerations for you to be able to get a passing score. I am sorry about that. I will not be able to help you beyond this point because of the lack of proper paragraph presentations. Please write a new essay that presents the standard 3 paragraph presentation composed of 1 summary overview and 2 information detail paragraphs. Once you write a new essay that meets the minimum paragraph and word count requirements, I will be able to properly assess your essay and offer useful recommendations for improvement.
## detailed criminal description on newspaper or tv

  
  
There is currently a contentious argument over whether the specific description of illegal acti on mass media should be strictly controlled. Imo the drawbacks outweigh the merits.  
  
There are considerable benefits to inform the crime in societal news feeds. The report shall alert ppl of the dangers that may be lurking out there, thus the security level shall be raised and reinforced with a substantial mindset and equipment, which always helps. It is also likely to benefit the government due to the fact that TVs and online news feeds are the best mediums to pervade preventive measures against such crimes, including launching an anti-crime public campaign and enforcing new laws.  
  
However, there are potential drawbacks to notify the detailed criminal description widely. The primary issue is that too much insight into the wrongdoing may influence fragile teenagers whose minds are vulnerable and lack ample exp, thereby those children are tempted to follow suit, thus breaking the law and such juvenile delinquencies are too often to be overlooked. Along the same line, lengthy description of vicious crimes can simply provide probable lawbreaker with viable offensive skill and methods from practical contemporary crimes, which will dim the thin line differed a sane person and a corrupted being, and this is indeed unmanageable and compromising adversity which can irritate the sharpest mind.  
  
In conclusion, the overwhelming detriments have overshadowed whatever benefits of universally updating the latest criminal news in such precision as the youngsters are more likely to gravitate toward a crime career and the wrongdoers are acquired plenty of meticulous criminal technique and grounded deeper in the hole of atrocity. Given this situation, it seems that the government should offer incentives to cultivate ppl's sense of justice, as well as regulate the stream of information especially in the field of crime and the like in all kinds of mediums.
Okay, I won't even get into the nitty gritty of the mistakes that your writing presentation has. The very first error that the examiner will see, and will react to with a failing score for your C&C, LR, and GRA sections, will be the way that you wrote the essay. You are using SMS vocabulary for an academic paper. That is an automatic fail.  
  
Do not treat this like some sort of joke. If you want to study in an English language institution, in a place of formal academic learning, you need to leave your social media speak behind, or you will never make it. Nobody who uses text speak in the IELTS or TOEFL test has ever passed. Believe me when I tell you this. No matter how long your essay is, when it is improperly presented, you lose your chance to show the examiner that you have what it takes to pass the test. All because you chose to treat the test like your social media account instead of a test that has your educational and professional future riding on it.
## mobile phone sales statistic

  
  
The chart below shows global sales of the top five mobile phone brands between 2009 and 2013.  
The bar chart illustrates the number of worldwide sales for five different best-selling handphone brands: Samsung, Apple, Nokia, LG, and ZTE, from 2009 to 2013. Overall, the sales number for Samsung, Apple, and ZTE had increased throughout the period, while the sales figure for Nokia and LG had decreased.  
  
In 2009, Nokia sold 450 million phones which is the best seller of the year, while Samsung sold 250 million phones in this period. In 2011, Nokia still kept the record as the highest sales of the year compared to other brands, which was above 400 million but was a decline compared to its own brand. Similar to 2009, the figure for Samsung increased its sales, which exceeded 300 million units. In contrast, by 2013, Nokia's phone sales dipped noticeably to earn slightly above 250 million units and Samsung's sales figures doubled to produce their highest point at 450 million phone units.  
  
It can be seen that at the beginning of the period, from 2011 to 2013, around 25 million of Apple's mobile phone was sold in the world and it was the lowest figures. LG'brand sold more than 100 million mobile phones in the world in 2009 but there was a moderate decrease from over 100 million units to under 100 million units. The number of phone sales by Apple saw a considerable rise with the highest point around 150 million units while ZTE's sales figures increased slightly over the period.
Try to provide a backstory in the first paragraph regarding the development of the movement to defund the police. The first paragraph should educate the reader as to how the situation developed and what strong historical reasons back the claim to remove police funding from the blue. If you can provide even a simple or recent history of the movement, then the first paragraph will have succeeded in offering an informative backgrounder prior to your thesis statement.  
  
Your first paragraph should also respond to the question provided. You need to provide your direct opinion as a part of the thesis statement. Do you believe the cops should be defunded? If yes, why? If no, why? Then present the reform statement at the end. The first paragraph should effectively sum up the discussion topics you will be providing to support your opinion. That is currently the weakest aspect of the first paragraph. You can develop that paragraph further if the word count requirement will allow for it.  
  
The question provided seems to be one of a personal opinion statement. However, you have presented a general discussion statement based on research public opinion. I am not sure if that is the right approach to take with this essay due to the pointed prompt provided. I suggest you ask your professor if you should use a public or personal statement for the discussion as that was not made clear by the prompt due to non-indicated writing requirements. Overall though, the essay is good, informative, and takes a stand with regards to the prompt presented.
## good members of society in the future

  
  
*Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.  
Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.*  
  
These days, educating adolescents to become global citizens is implied to give an imperative boost in social flourish. Many opine that directing the youngster to become a part of society should be ensured by parents, while there is a strong counter-argument in sections of people that it is a school's task. From my perspective, the children had better receive the teaching from both family and academy.  
  
Initially, parenting plays a crucial role in orienting youngsters to be good decent members of society. The children commonly obey their parents' words, therefore, guiding their descendants to subtly deal with societal obstacles may prompt fruitful outcomes. To devote to the society, the children had better acquire social principles comprising respect, obedience legislation at the early ages. It is pointed out that, the things they had learned in childhood may last impression and form human traits. Hence, achieving the parent's instruction may allow them to possess a concrete foundation that aids them in their upcoming steps.  
  
On the other hand, with the view to considering as a good citizen, learning the values of society are expected to be strictly regulated at academic institutions. It is irrefutable that educators and other pupils have abundant impacts on learner's development. Students are entering a minimized form of realistic community at school age by collaborating with friends from diverse walks of life. Throughout the process of school studying, adolescents are able to enhance cooperation skills and practical experiences which lay the foundation for them to blend in hereafter civilization.  
  
In conclusion, directing youngsters to be admirable global citizens required bilateral attempts from both family and educational foundation to attain advantageous products.