dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Do not use English phrases that will tend to confuse your reader or, appear to have incorrect grammar. Avoid using memorized, but incorrectly used phrases such as "Having throwback to the bygone days". You could have simply stated that; "Sports champions used to be..." For clarity purposes, always use topic sentences rather than long winded phrases that do not help to get a clear message across to the reader. Always remember than an essay must come with a thesis sentence at the end of the introductory paragraph. Therefor, rather than saying "This essay will present..." You should state the topic of the discussion clearly which is "The message that this sends to younger athletes is... which has affected their attitude for sports in a negative manner because..."  
  
Do not commence anything. Simply continue the discussion. You will find that academic essays do not require the use of so many word fillers, and that it is easier to write the discussion when you focus only on the topic for discussion. Avoiding unnecessary word usage will help you get a better score. Had you focused on the actual academic clarity of the presentation instead of the word count, you would have avoided spelling, , as well as clarity and cohesion errors. All of which you neglected to find and correct in this essay that you wrote.
## senior development position in IBM, microsoft and apple

  
  
The bar diagram demonstrates the proportion of men that participated in the senior development area in three different technology companies over a period of 30 years, starting from 1980.  
  
Generally, it is immediately obvious that the participation of men in 2010 took the highest percentage compared to the other years in three companies.  
Over the course of 30 years, IBM company witnessed a considerable increase to over 60 percent at the end of the period while its beginning percentage was extremely low, which was less than 5 percent. Particularly, its proportion in 2010 was nearly double to the data in the last 10 years. Regarding Microsoft company, its percentage remained relatively the same, at 10 percent on average, from 1980 to 2000 while shooting up to over 40 percent in 2010. The Apple corporation, on the other hand, had the highest proportion among the three companies in 1980, it gradually increased by 10 percent over three decades.  
  
*
You need to use a 3 paragraph presentation format for this essay. There is a 5 sentence maximum for each presentation paragraph. So the summary overview should be 3-5 sentences, then the same for the next 2 paragraphs. However, you presented a 2 paragraph essay with one under developed presentation (summary overview) as it is a run-on sentence. You need to make sure to represent the information within the required format. The second paragraph should have been cut at the presentation for the Microsoft company and Apply Corporation.  
  
The main problem with your presentation is that you have extremely long sentences. You have to learn to divide the presentations into individual sentences. One idea per sentence. Otherwise, the run-on sentences do not make so much sense to the reader. Compressing information is never advised in the Task 1 essay as you are scored on the clarity of your analysis of the information provided.
## writing task 2 young population

  
  
At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?  
  
it is understandable that many countries nowaday have population with more young people than old people. Even this fact has both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinions the advatantages outweigh the disadvantages, Despite many drawbacks, young people still play an important role in the growing economy of the countries  
  
On the one hand, the population with the young adults overwhelm the old people can lead to many problems such as lacking of skills in adapting and using modern technology nowaday. For example of the country in Asia which has protential economy is Viet Nam. Owning the population with the young people overwhelm the old people but Viet Nam dont have many important leader and young worker are still unexperienced in applying new technology. So that Viet Nam has to hire foreigner experts of many countries to guild and help them in improving, applying technology or upgrading infrastructure.  
  
On the other hand, young population can bring huge workforce in to industries, economy,..,which become the first priority of many countries in development. Young population such as teenagers, adults are energetic, creative and they can adapt the modern technology quickly so they become indispensable role in develop countries, improve living standard and infrastructure of the country. For example like Japan which has old population. However, Japan still become top 5 largest economies in the world. Because they aren't only using the young people of the countries, they also recruit and make priorities for young people who from many different countries.  
  
In the conclusion, it is inevitable to say that young people play an important role in the developmen of the countries. Althrough many drawbacks, they are still the main workforce of the countries and with thier indication can make the coutry better in the near future. That is all the reason why the advantages of more young people in he country overwhelm the disadvantages of it
1.Your conclusion is repeating your introduction without any insight  
2. The example of Japan in para 3 is not appropriate as you need to convince others having young people benefits more  
  
Some sentences below can be improved:  
  
-In my opinions the advantages outweigh the disadvantages -> there are more gains than losses of having more youngsters in the countries / Having more young people is beneficial to society as a whole  
  
-can make the country a better place  
-Because they ... -> They are not only using ~~the~~ young people in the countries, but they also recruit and make youngsters a high priority in different countries
You are offering an opinion in the prompt paraphrase section. If you review the original prompt, there is no requirement for you to present a personal opinion. You were not asked to do that. So the discussion presentation should not offer a personal opinion. Not in the prompt paraphrase section, not in the actual essay, not in the conclusion.  
  
There is one question being asked in the essay "Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?" So your response is simple. You said "The advantages outweigh the disadvantages." Therefore, in your reasoning paragraphs, you should have presented 2 reasons why the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages. You should not have compared the advantages and disadvantages because that is not the discussion instruction. It is not the presentation requirement either. Therefore, your essay does not follow the required format for this discussion.  
  
Due to the incorrect discussion format, you will receive notable penalties in terms of discussion errors and deducted word count. Only the paragraphs that pertain to your actual discussion response will be scored and graded. Anything not pertaining to it will not be considered as a part of the discussion by the examiner. Your essay is not in accordance with the formatting requirements and response expectation. Therefore, you have not written an essay that falls under the proper guidelines for the presentation.
You have to review your presentation for timeline differences. You are inconsistent in your presentation. As all of these events have already happened, then you should consistently use the past tense presentation of all words and events. In this essay, you are constantly moving from past to present information, making it an uneven and confusing read. You have to be consistent in your timeline to help the reader gain a clarity in your presentation and make your explanations more understandable to the reader. Unless you fix the timeline problem, the essay will be highly confusing to follow for the reader. Since this is an article for public reading, you have to make sure that the editor will not reject it based on grammatical errors alone. You have to make sure that you have properly proof read your presentation and you have corrected all grammatical errors. You should also consider getting a professional editor to review and suggest possible sentence and paragraph edits to your work.
## **Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal.**

  
*Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
People have different views about what top priorities of our government should be. Although some politicians claim that economic growth is undoubtedly most essential, I believe that other issues could be more crucial to our homeland and therefore deserve our attention.  
  
On the one hand, economic progress is pivotal to the success of a country. With thriving markets and advancing economy, the government can secure reliable tax funds for supporting projects of infrastructure and public services, providing good standards of living to citizens. For example, in highly-developed countries, such as USA, the UK, Japan etc., people not only lead a rich and comfortable life but also have better education and welfare systems than those in the impoverished areas of the world. Furthermore, a nation with strong economy can come to prominence on the global stage, exerting its political influence and trade power.  
  
However, although many wealthy countries already have gained great economic success, yet their people are still suffering from a variety of social and environmental crises. Even in advanced regions, racial and sexual discrimination, industrial pollution and political corruption are widespread nowadays. Economic progress should not be the only vision of governments. Instead, the success of a nation must also be considered with the areas of social justice, human rights and resource conversation. How well the governments preserve our natural environment and how they value opinions from several minority groups will benefit not only us but also our next generations.  
  
In conclusion, upholding economic development is indispensable duty of our government, but not the sole central task they should focus on. The prosperity of a country will not be improved without the support of a stable society, better political conditions, and a sustainable environment.
There is a problem with your paraphrase. The original prompt indicates that other people have the opinion that other types of progress are also important for a country. However, in your presentation, you discussed this as a personal point of view. Thereby cancelling the original prompt representation. Your paraphrase is therefore incorrect and will be scored as not being in line with the original prompt. You will get a low TA score because of this error. This is a 2 public point of view + personal opinion discussion. You converted it to a personal point of view discussion. An additional incorrect representation that will further limit the scoring potential of this presentation.
Hi everyone, I am aiming for band 7+ in writing, so I have practiced a few topics and uploaded to this forum, thanks so much for your time and assistance!  
  
## IELTS Task 2 - Career (Both views)

  
  
**Some people think that young people should be free to choose their job, but other people think that they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
With more young people struggling to choose their future career, whether or not youngsters should pay more attention to their future when picking their jobs has become a hotly debatable topic. While many believe that freedom should be highly valued when making the decision, others maintain that the top priority should be focused on the consideration of long-term career development. Given that we should have our financial independence and benefit society at large, I strongly believe that the young should be more realistic and think more about the future.  
  
In terms of the noticeable finance burden carried by the young in the modernized world, we have few choices but to face the reality. Instead of wandering in the job markets irrespective of on ones' future, it is our responsibilities to seek a job with clear career trajectory as early as possible in order to get rid of all the bills without concern. For instance, merely renting a small flat in Hong Kong costs more than half of the salary for most blue-collars, not to mention other miscellaneous overheads. If youngsters indulged in the dream of working freely without a meditation on their career prospect, they would be more likely to rely heavily on the financial support of their families. As a result, the constant reliance on the source of money from family without achieving financial independence will narrow the future development of the teenagers.  
  
Regarding the societal benefits, the young things should hesitate no more to make substantial dedication to society after they graduated from colleges. As an example, young scientists can devote themselves in solving real world issues such as AIDS and COVID-19 which have been exerting pernicious influence to humanity worldwide. Young professionals are able to assist in saving untold lives and make the world a better place. Therefore, it will be beneficial to society in the long run if youngsters pay more attention on developing their career.  
  
Having discussed the aforementioned, I reckon that our future pillars of society should not pick on their jobs without a consolidated career planning. This is especially true for the gullible and impressionable youth. As a matter of fact, if the adolescents mapped out their career paths realistically, I am confident that it would enable themselves to accomplish financial independence earlier compared with their counterparts.
Hi, I think you made good points.  
  
However, you might want to relate more to the views of "choose freely" before you elaborate your reasons as to why you do not agree.  
  
For example "I believe that the freedom of choosing our career path is attached to the success rate of taking the path itself.  
  
For example, one might want to be an artist but not having a high chance of success if he takes it." Let me know if this makes sense and help you in any way.  
  
Good luck!!
Again with this "hotly debated topic". There is no debate presented in any Task 2 presentation. These are mere opinions for discussion. Additionally, "a hotly debated topic" is already considered a memorized phrase among the test takers. This is the most common phrase used when the student wants to over emphasize a discussion. Therefore, a reference to such must be avoided since it has the ability to lower your TA score.  
  
As this is a point of view comparison essay, you should not be presenting your opinion at the very start of the discussion. That is because the personal opinion discussion is built upon the comparative presentation of reasons in support of each topic. It is a 5 paragraph essay that should have been stated as:  
  
Par. 1: Paraphrase  
Par. 2: POV 1 + explanation  
Par. 3: POV 2 + explanation  
Par. 4: Personal POV + explanation (which of the 2 opinions you support and why)  
Par. 5: Concluding paraphrase  
  
As you can see, your essay is missing the concluding paraphrase. Most students make the mistake of presenting their personal opinion as the conclusion of the essay. That leaves you with an open ended discussion, rather than a concluded discussion. So your essay cannot, at this point, achieve your target band mark.
## IELTS Task 2 - Education (Agree/Disagree)

  
  
Hi everyone, I am aiming for 7~7.5 in writing, so I have practiced a few topics and uploaded to this forum, thanks so much for your time and assistance!  
  
**The qualities a person needs to become successful in today's world cannot be learned at a University of any similar academic institution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
With more people receiving higher education with the aim to succeed in the 21st era, whether or not being successful is solely dependent on academic knowledge has become a widely debated topic. While many believe that tertiary education has nothing to do with personal attainment, other maintain that there is a high correlation between academic result and success. Given that luck play an essential role in most success stories and that having an effective social network is an indispensable part of success, I strongly agree that one cannot learn anything from college contributing to his or her future success.  
  
In terms of the effect of intrinsic factor, no one could deny luck being a main element of success. For instance, one inborn with a golden key or with an endearing appearance is more likely to get the laurel. It takes a normal person a great deal of effort and tremendous time to level the playing field in order to catch up with the pace of those with luck. The invisible gap between a normal and a lucky person will only be widened if the lucky one work hard as well, and luck cannot be made up by any knowledge in school. As a result, no university course can offer luck which could exert an enormous impact on ones' success.  
  
Regarding the importance of networking, a resourceful network, in which people could share resources and offer opportunities to each other, is invaluable. Take Mark Zuckerburg as an example, his dorm mate whom Mark has been working with on building a social platform blazed a trail for today's behemoth - Facebook. We cannot achieve anything large solely on our own, but to rely on others at least to some extent. Therefore, networking is another cardinal foundation of success, which is unrelated to the training in tertiary institutions.  
  
Having discussed the aforementioned, I firmly believe that we cannot learn to be a successful person simply through the education in university. This is especially true for the youngsters who do not have much life experience while craving for success via fast-track. If people could be more down-to-earth and pay more attention on broadening their network, I am confident that they would soon or later reach their dreams.
You have to remember that the examiner will not accept exaggerations in your presentations. There are no debates indicated in the original discussion. Therefore, you should have used the term "discussion" instead as that connotes an exchange of ideas closer to the original prompt. You should also make the essay sound more natural by using more common English terminology. Everyday English words will suffice. Words like "intrinsic factor" and "main element of success", or one inborn with the golden key" are not everyday words. The latter being a memorized English phrase that is over used and often exaggerated in the presentation.  
  
You cannot say, "Regarding the importance of networking", you cannot refer to it as "Regarding" when you never mentioned it before. You only mentioned "luck" as having a part to play in the success of a person, you never mentioned networking. So there is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your reasoning presentations. These need to directly relate to one another. You cannot present a discussion topic as an after thought.  
  
In the concluding paraphrase, you are offering an opinion in the last sentence. Since you were not asked for an opinion relating to how success can be viewed, you should not say with certainty that this is the way for a person to reach success in life. You should only be stating comments relating to the education factor as presented in the essay topic. Sadly, this sort of presentation, though long, is not yet worthy of a 7 or 7.5.
***Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subject.***  
  
## To what extent do you agree ?

  
  
Professions plays an essential role in a mature person's life. However, a lot of youngsters are not able to understand the world of work after graduate, according to some people. Personally, I completely agree with this viewpoint and to my way of thinking, schools should offer teenagers to spend a certain amount of time to work along with studying academic subject.  
  
For a variety of reasons, I firmly believe that it is crucial for students to gain insight into the world of work during schoolyears. Firstly, when students know about how money is earned through hard work, they will be more grateful for what they have at the time. Some children, due to the pampering of their parents, do not understand the value of money and they just expect their parents to provide them with luxurious items. So to my mind, if those children have opportunities to work for a short amount of time, they will understand profoundly the value of money and know how hard their parents have to work and become more appreciative.  
  
Secondly, as being an adult, I aware of the difference between going to work and going to school, and in my opinion, the world of work is a cruel world where people have to be responsible for their work, where mistakes costs fortune, ...Therefore, I think teenagers should be provide with the chance of working as well as studying in order to not get shock in the future when they join the working world.  
  
In conclusion, according to the given reasons, I firmly agree that students should be facilitate to work during schoolyears and that would be a precious experience. However, students should balance between working and studying as spending too much time working can affect adversely on their academic performance.
Your presentation has several problems in the first paragraph. The first problem, is that you have improperly formatted your sentences, leading to a lower GRA score. Second, although you present a proper measured response, you should be telling the reader your reasons instead of just repeating the last part of the original prompt. In fact, you did a very poor job in the restatement as you still used certain original prompt keywords. You should always make sure that you do not repeat the use of the original words as you can lose points for using cut and paste or memorized phrases.  
  
Do not say; "For a variety of reasons" in your opening statement. You have to understand that the reasoning sentence will score better once you use topic sentences. It is important to use a topic sentence that actually relates to the discussion topic for that paragraph. In your first reasoning sentence, you are wasting 2 opening sentences because you are not using information there that can move the discussion forward. Each sentence in your presentation should be utilized in a method that helps to increase the clarity of your discussion and add to the information of the reader. Do not waste the word count on word fillers. The word fillers will not increase your score.  
  
You cannot use 2 punctuation marks successively. Either use a comma or use the ellipses. You will lose GRA points with that error. It shows a lack of understanding of the English grammar and sentence structure rules.