Mualla, here is the thing about writing services. They always try to change your voice to their voice. That means, they tell you what they want to see in the essay because that is how they would have written it. I never alter the voice of the student in the essay for a number of reasons.  
  
My first reason, is that the essay should always reflect your personality. That includes how you think, how you talk, and how you express yourself. This common app prompt is a preliminary interview that will allow you to show the reviewer the way you think, act, and speak to a certain degree. Being a preliminary interview, the essay and its voice, should accurately represent you. Therefore, the way you wrote the essay is how you sound and represent yourself and should therefore not be altered to suit the idea of the writing service critic.  
  
My second reason is with regards to why I do not wish to alter much of what you wrote. While I do agree that you can shorten the presentation leading up to the flea market, your narrative might suffer without the backstory. Now, if you can figure out how to create a more personal relationship between why you decided to join the flea market then the backstory can be adjusted. Right now, it sounds like you just wanted to clean out your closet, which is not a bad reason to have for joining a flea market. Maybe, if you can explain why you wanted to join the market, like say, wishing to donate the money to charity or something, then the disappointment that you felt when you had to pay the stand fee will have more of an impact.  
  
Finally, I will leave you with a word of advice. As I always tell the students here, we can help you develop the essay and we can help you make it as perfect as it can be, in your eyes. We cannot and should never, dictate the content of your essay. If you are happy and confident in the way you represent yourself and your story in the current form of the essay, then that is the version that you should use. That is the personality and character you are comfortable showing to the reviewer and nobody should alter that self representation for any reason. Be true to who you are on paper.  
  
Let me make one thing clear, there is no right or wrong way to write an essay. There is no perfect common app essay either. Nobody really knows what kind of writing style will catch the eye of the reviewer. The only thing that you can be sure of, is that your first paragraph needs to be so interesting, the reviewer will find himself compelled to finish reading your essay. The reason he will consider your application all depends upon him. Reviewers do not look for uniform information in an essay and anybody who says there is a secret formula to getting the attention of the reviewer through the essay is wrong. The essay is not the only application requirement being considered. There are other pertinent documents that will be assessed along with your essays. Therefore, you should keep your voice in the essay and present it in the best way you know how.  
  
If you want me to help you edit the content of the essay because that is what you want to do, then I will help you do that. You tell me which parts you feel are weak and we will work on developing it. You can't rely of the writing service to properly represent you because they have no idea regarding the kind of personality that you want to have shine through in the prompt. The final content and message of the essay is yours to choose. Our job, is just to guide you towards the image you want to project in this written interview.