dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Amril, please refer back to the original prompt instruction. I am wondering as to why you felt the need to give a personal opinion, but then not discuss it within the essay. Was there any instruction in the essay for you to give a personal opinion? If there wasn't any, then you should not have given a personal opinion. Doing things that are not part of the prompt requirement will have a negative effect upon your score. Mostly because the examiner will be led to believe that you do not know how to follow instructions and that you also, did not understand the instructions you were given. If your personal opinion was required, then you should have indicated that in the full prompt presentation when you posted your essay here.  
  
Overall, the essay is strong and shows a cohesive flow of thought. The personal example was a nice touch as it helped to illustrate that you understood most of the prompt requirement. The personal reference could help to boost your score in certain instances. Now, I am just worried about the fact that you did not further discuss your personal opinion in the essay even though you presented it in your discussion overview. Please clarify that point for me as I want to be sure that I am offering you the most accurate advice possible.
@Holt  
  
Hi Holt, thank you for your valuable feedback.  
The fact that there is no instruction regarding to my personal opinion. I think because i am getting used to answering question with task "give your own opinion", and it makes me not thorough enough checking the prompt. I am sorry, it is my fault.  
  
But, I realised that this type of question is also new for me. What should i do if i have to cope up with this kind of question? and if there is any grammar issue, feel free to correct me. Your feedback will be much appreciated, thank you. - Amril
hi these are my thought towards your essay  
  
It is generally believed by some schools that ...  
[ it is generally believed by several schools that there should be strict rules for school uniforms ]  
  
Also, no distinct school outfits can eliminate ...  
[ i think it would be better if you explain this idea more so it will make your idea clearer ]  
  
In brief, the aforementioned evidence reveals the merits...  
[if this is a conclusion, it would be better if you write the linking words such as In conclusion, To conclude, All in all, in brief , etc. ]  
  
[you can also add your own opinion towards this and put it in the conclusion if you do not want to put that in your body paragraph]  
  
thank you
Hi Amril, now i understand why you made that mistake. You need to get out of that mindset. I know that the essay prompts all sound similar already after a certain point of constantly doing them. That is why you have to be conscious of the fact that there are various types of instructions attached to certain prompt. Once you are always aware that you have to read the prompt in totality, you should be able to avoid that problem in the future. Also, you have to be sure that you leave some time to proof read your essay so that you can double check your content against the prompt. This will ensure that you did not forget to discuss something or that you did not discuss a topic that is not included in the prompt.  
  
When you write an essay asking you to compare two sides, you are not allowed to present an opinion. It is not your job to influence the decision of the reader in this type of essay. Your only task is to present evidence coming from both sides for the consideration of the reader. The reader must be allowed to come to a conclusion on his own.  
  
There is no right or wrong way to respond to this essay. As long as you represent both sides, neutrally in your discussion, meaning you do not take sides or present an opinion, the essay will be acceptable. Your grammar is alright. I do not feel a need to correct the grammar because it was understandable and showed a sense of logic and progression in your discussion. Your language is not so simple that it is elementary in presentation. I would say this is an intermediate sort of English language use which would be beneficial to your final score.
There are several ways that make scientific research will be simple to understand. Richard gives the illustration about physic knowledge with using wagon and ball as the main experiment. Plus Erastothenes try to measure the distance between Alexandria and Sweden to find out about diametre of the earth. Turning to Galileo who attempts the gauge in the speed of light with utilizing ear, eye, and mind, nevertheless, it failed since it was so fast. After that, Ahmad wants to continue Galileo's experiment using simple materials such as wheels, mirror, and eye. Eventually, he did it so that it makes easy to understand for several people. Furthermore, a citizen can do this experiment as well because it is an open field and convenient to explore. It brings people's curiosity and can change the world.
**Hi Mister Riandi.  
These are a few corrections for your summary**  
  
There are several ways ~~that~~ TO make A scientific research will be simple to BE ~~understand~~ UNDERSTOOD. Richard ~~gives~~ GAVE the illustration (...) with using A wagon and ..  
  
Plus Erastothenes ~~try~~ TRIED to measure ...  
After that, Ahmad ~~wants~~ WANTED to continue Galileo's experiment BY using simple materials such as wheels, A mirror, and eye. Eventually, he ~~did~~ CONDUCTED it so that it ~~makes~~~~easy to understand~~ COULD BE UNDERSTOOD EASILY for several people. Furthermore, a citizen can ~~do~~ CONDUCTED this experiment as (...) and convenient to BE exploreD.  
  
*Sir, ensure that what you write is what you mind. There was sometimes a passive word, but you make it active. Besides that, pay attention to use of tenses. You have to know when you harness the present and past tense.  
  
Keep writing  
GOOD LUCK*
The graph ilustrates the figures of Gross Domestic Product (GDP) of the UK from IT and service industry in the five different years during the period from 1992 to 2000. In comparison with the data in 1992. Overall, there was upward trend in the percentage of service industry during period 1992 to 2000.  
  
As can be clearly seen, the highest GDP of service industry in period 2000 with the total GDP approximately 8 percent, which increased gradually from 1992. During the periode 1994 to 1996, there was downward trend about 1 percent in IT. During the latter for period from 1992 to 2000, the figure for IT was highest GDP with more than 15 percent.  
  
In conclusion, there was substanicial increase of IT and service industry during the period 1992 to 2000. whereas, the percentage change of service industry between 1994 untl 1996 fell by around 1 percent.  
  
*   
*The chart shows components of GDP in the UK from 1992 to 2000*
Hi Alfin,  
I can see that you have structural problems here. I hope the detailed analysis below would help you improving your writing skill.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- ...in ~~the~~ five different years ~~during the period~~ from 1992 to 2000.  
- ~~In comparison with the data in 1992.~~(There is no subject and verb, this is NOT a sentence)  
- Overall, it can be seen that there was an upward trend (...) industry ~~during period 1992 to 2000~~over 8 years period.  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- ~~As can be clearly seen~~To begin with , the highest GDP (...) approximately 8 percent~~, which~~ increased gradually from 1992.  
- ~~During the periode~~From 1994 to 1996, there was a downward trend for about 1 percent in IT.  
- ... the figure for IT was the highest GDP with ...  
  
~~- In conclusion, there was substanicial increase ...  
- whereas, the percentage change of service ...~~  
  
Seems to me that you wrote all of your sentences by using similar patterns that are similar to overview sentence. This is not suggested at all. This can drag your score down to 5 or even worse. Try to come up with detail data when you explain it in the body paragraph. It is not necessary to mention the "general overview" for each paragraph.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Dear Alfian  
let me give you some inputs:  
  
1. is not is your summary article, is it? you have to find the article from the chosen websites, just pick up one to be your summarized article. I think it is not allowed to summary the chart since it seems you do writing task 1. since you are going to study in the business sector, I strongly recommend you to read time and the economist. it really helps you to increase your business vocabularies.  
  
2. please pay attention to your grammatical manners. i found so many mistakes on it. Overall, you have improved your english.
Dear Alfin, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
Overall, there was **an** upward trend in ...  
  
... of service industry in ~~period~~ 2000 with (...) 8 percent, ~~which~~**was** increased gradually from 1992.  
  
During ~~the periode~~ 1994 to 1996, there was **a** downward trend about 1 percent in IT **proportion.**  
  
During the latter ~~for~~ period ~~from 1992 to 2000~~ , the figure for IT was **the** highest GDP ...  
  
...there was **a** substanicial increase**d** of IT and service industry during the period ~~1992 to 2000~~ .  
  
... industry between 1994 ~~untl~~**and** 1996 fell **down** by around 1 percent.  
  
Regards
hai alfin  
I have some suggestions for you  
hope it works  
  
The graph ~~ilustrates~~illustrates the figures (...) (GDP) ~~of~~in the UK ~~from~~between IT and service industry...  
  
~~In comparison with the data in 1992. Overall, there was upward ...~~  
overall, there was an upward trend both of them.  
  
... of a service industry in the period 2000 with the total GDP at approximately 8 percent, ~~which~~ increased gradually from 1992.  
  
During ~~the periode~~ 1994 to 1996, there was a downward trend about ...  
  
thanks  
keep writing
Hi Alfin, below are my thoughts on your essay.  
  
- (GDP) ~~of~~in the UK from IT and the service industry  
- in ~~the~~ five different years during the period from 1992 to 2000.  
- In comparison with the data in 1992. - I believe this particular sentence is not necessary  
  
- Overall, there was an upward trend in  
- the percentage of the service industry during the period of 1992 to 2000.  
  
- As it can be clearly seen,  
- the highest GDP of service industry in the period of 2000 with the total GDP at approximately 8 percent,  
- During the period~~e~~of 1994 to 1996,  
- there was a downward trend t about 1 percent in IT.  
- During the latter ~~for~~ period ~~from~~of 1992 to 2000,  
- ~~was~~has the highest GDP with...  
  
There you have it Alfin, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and I left the last paragraph of the essay for you to practice editing it yourself and this will also be a time for you to hone your skills on proof reading.
Hey, I noticed you have a few grammar error in your writing. The most error I found is the lack of articles in your writing and spelling mistakes.  
  
The graphilustrates the figures of Gross Domestic ...  
Overall, there was upward trend in the (...) during period 1992 to 2000.  
..., the highest GDP ofservice industry inperiod [...]. During the periode 1994 to 1996, there was downward trend about 1 percent in IT. During the latter forperiod from 1992 to 2000, the figure for IT was highest GDP with more ...  
In conclusion, there wassubstanicial increase of IT ...  
... service industry between 1994 untl 1996 fell by around 1 percent.
Hi Alfin, here's another one from my end.  
  
- Boom, ~~start up~~started in the aviation technology ~~of aviation~~ which was sponsored  
- by Virgin's Sir Richard Branson who recently launched  
- and predicted that it will become the first supersonic commercial jet.  
- ~~It~~They also give details ~~about~~  
- that such ~~as~~ jet can accomodate passengers until  
- 50 people~~. But~~, unfortunately the price is probably ~~more~~ much more expensive than other ordinary jet.  
  
There you have it Alfin, I must say, with this particular essay, you were able to write an essay that is very direct and very comprehensive that you manage to stay into one paragraph and you should be able to develop the same comprehension in all your succeeding essays.
Dear alfin, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
Boom, start**ing** up in technology of aviation ...  
  
...~~predicted will~~**it will be predicted**~~became~~**become** the first supersonic commercial jet.  
  
It also give**s** details about that ~~such as~~ jet can accomodate ...  
  
But ~~unfortunately~~ the price **was**~~probably~~**propabling**~~more much~~**much more** expensive than other**s** ordinary jet.  
  
Regards
hi alfinkurnia, these are my thougth towards your summary  
  
firstly, you should put the source, and also try to write opening sentence.  
  
... passenger jet and was predicted ~~will~~(will and be predicted to has the same meaning)to~~became~~become the first ...  
... as jet can accom modate passenger ...  
... price probably ~~more much~~much more expensive than ...  
  
thank you and good luck
Hey @alfinkurnia, would you kindly provide the article that you are summarized about? It is confusing and hard to give a hand without knowing the context of your writing. If you just prefer some grammatical check for your paper, please consider the following:  
  
Boom, start up in technology of aviation ...  
*Started in aviation technology, sponsored by Virgin's Sir Richard Branson, recently launched their newuote=alfinkurnia]It also give details about that such as jet can accommodate passenger until 50 people. But unfortunately the price probably more much expensive than other ordinary jet.[/quote]  
  
....*  
  
It also give details about that such as jet can ...  
*In the article, it also mentioned about the jet can accommodate up to 50 people. Unfortunately, the price of a supersonic passenger jet ticket would be expensive compared to any other ordinary flight ticket.*
hi these are my thought towards your essay  
  
This would also exacerbate impacts caused by extreme weather conditions such as flooding, storms, or rising sea levels...  
[ i do not quite understand why you write much full stop (...) ]  
  
it is really good essay. however i think it would be better if you put also your opinion in the conclusion, so the examiner will know your idea or a solution from your own thought.  
  
thank you
Multilanguage is work differently compared than mono language. There are two parts when using English as main language consist of active and passive. In the active parts, containing speaking and writing, while the passive parts has listening and reading. For instance, Gabriela who has two languages that are English and Spanish. She utilize English in school whereas Spanish used in the home and also to talk with friends. Children have tendency easily to learn about rather than adults. As a result, multilanguage has remarkable benefits for children and also can make more active, complex, healthy. This is no doubt that learning second language is important for people and there is no word late to learn about english since a little exercise can make it perfect.
Hi Ryan, here are some suggestions to improve this piece of writing:  
-  
-  
Multilanguage ~~is~~ works differently compared ~~than~~to mono language.  
... using English as a main language ...  
~~In~~ The active parts, (...) the passive parts ~~has~~are listening and reading.  
She utilizes English in the school whereas uses Spanish ~~used~~ in the home ...  
Children have tendency ~~easily to~~to easily learn ~~about~~languages rather than adults.  
... and also can make them more active, complex, and healthy.  
... learning a second language (...) to learn about E nglish since ...
Multilanguage ~~is~~~~work~~*works* differently *if it compares with*~~compared than~~ mono language. ... English as main language ~~consist of~~*which are*active and passive. In the active parts, ~~containing~~*it contains of* speaking and (...) passive parts ~~has~~*have* listening and reading. For instance, Gabriela ~~who~~ has two languages ...  
  
She utilize*s* English in school whereas Spanish *is* used in ~~the~~ home and also ...
Hi Riandi, below are my thoughts on your essay.  
  
- Multilanguage ~~is~~ works differently  
- compared ~~than~~to the mono language.  
- There are two parts when using the English language as the main language  
- consist of active and passive learners .  
- ~~In~~For the active ~~parts~~learners ,  
- ~~containing speaking and writing~~they understand what they speak and write ,  
- while the passive parts ~~has listening and reading~~listens and reads .  
- For instance, Gabriela who ~~has~~practice two languages,~~that ar~~ e English and Spanish.  
- She utilize English in school ~~whereas~~while using Spanish ~~used in the~~at home and also  
- ~~to talk~~in speaking with friends.  
- Children have the tendency ~~easily~~ to quickly learn  
- ~~about~~ rather than adults.  
- As a result, ~~multilanguage~~being multilingual has remarkable benefits  
- for children and ~~also can make~~will help them be more active, complex, healthy.  
  
There you have it Riandi, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you have further clarification, do let us know so we can assist you further.
In this TED video, the speaker gives an explanation about the development of brain by learn about bilingual and multilingual languages. She discovered that the children who have learned more than one language, their brain can work differentially than others. Furthermore, she is disparate people who study about languages to two stages, active and passive learners. The active learners are doing speaking and writing whereas the passive one just learn from listening and reading. However, the active persons can get more benefits for their brain since it trains their brain for more complex situation. Finally, for the end of her speech, he said that by learning bilingual languages, it can make people smarter, healthier and also become the active person in the future.
Muhamad, just a word of advice, remember to listen well to the voice of the speaker in the video. In this instance, the speaker was a woman and not a man so you should have used the pronoun "she" and not "he". The proper terminology used in the essay also counts towards your final score so be very careful about your pronoun assignments. Now, when you are trying to use complex terminology in the essay to prove your widened vocabulary, you must be certain that the term you are using is applicable to the scenario in this case, disparate means "essentially different in kind" or "not allowing for comparison". As you heard in the essay, no such thing happened. Instead, there was a differentiation between the types of language learners and how they learn. Therefore, you should have used a different term. In my opinion, the term you should have used could have been "differentiated" instead. To differentiate means to recognize or ascertain what makes something different. Since you are showing the difference between the types of learners, differentiate would have been the more proper term to use. Remember, using a complex word in the wrong context will have an effect on your final score. Your wide lexicon must be supported by the correct usage of the term otherwise, the reviewer will recognize that you do not really have a wide vocabulary and you do not understand the meaning of the word you used.
Hi Muhamad, below are my thoughts on your essay and as usual, I will be very direct, this will be focused on your sentence construction and how you can approach this summary better.  
  
- of the brain by learning about the bilingual and multilingual languages.  
- their brain ~~can~~ works differently~~differentially~~ than others.  
- Furthermore, she i~~s disparate~~classifies people who  
- about the languages to two stages,  
- The active learners are ~~doing~~ speaking and writing  
- However, the active ~~persons~~learners can get  
- more benefits ~~for their brain since~~as it trains  
- Finally, ~~for~~at the end of her speech,  
  
There you have it Muhamad, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision. I also have one question, how can I actually listen to this video?, this way I will be able to provide you with a more constructive observation together with literally editing the essay.
Topic: **Some people think that we should work in the same job for a life time. Others believe that we should change job at least once during our career. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
Task:  
  
A great idea is being written and said about the job. Some people believe that we should be faithful to one job for a life time. Others, however, still argue in changing job at least once during our career. I am completely convinced of the latter view because not only do we have more skills but we can also earn more money from new jobs  
  
First and foremost, changing many jobs in our career can help us add more skills for our life. When an actor changes his job and becomes a director, not only does his skill get enhanced but he s also versatile and has a larger vision. Take Gary Oldman for instance. He has been a famous actor with the role in well-known film called "Batman". But now he is a talented director with successful film called "Mil by mouth" produced in 1997. Furthermore, spending too long time for a job also makes people feel monotonous. Everyone is all similar to each other. we all like new jobs and discover new things.  
  
Additionally, you can have a higher source of revenue from new jobs. You find that mostly a restaurant manager can earn more money than a teacher. Take Li Lixin in China for example. He was a salesman in office stationery when he was 19. After 6 years, he marketed separately and nowadays, he is a billionaire by means of producing articles made of plastic. LI Lixin is one of the most richest person who changed job successfully.  
  
In the conclusion, shifting jobs at least once in our career also brings people many benefits, You can both get more skills for yourself and increase your earnings from new jobs. Nevertheless, when you decide to change your job, you should consider carefully. It's also the key to your successful career now and in the future.
hi kiki, these are my thought towards your essay  
  
1. but he i s also versatile..  
2. Furthermore, spending too long time for a job... Everyone is all ...  
[ i think you should explain your idea more in order to make it more clear ]  
3. repetition  
[ i think you write : earn, money, career, and jobs too much. it would be better if you rephrase it them ]  
4. and also you should watch your commas and full-stop sign
Hi, what a good summary, but let me give some comments, perhaps useful for you.  
1. not only ~~does~~ his skill get enhanced, but also he is versatile and has a larger vision.  
2. sometime you need to paraphrase several word, so your essay not monotonous.  
(For instance : Job = occupation = profession = work, money change with income or revenue.  
3. Avoid to use "thing", it is blur meaning. You have to make specific word.  
we all like new jobs and discover new ~~things~~ experience.  
4. In the third paragraph, better if you add a supporting sentence after the main idea and before you give an example. A supporting sentence to make your view is clear.
There is an activity from Alice Auersperg from University of Vienna in Austria. She saw cockatoo namely Figaro become the smarter than others bird. This is because he splinter a wood and used it to reach the nut from their cage. By the time, it was followed by other birds too. Moreover, she and her colleagues tried to plan a stronger case for cockatoos that will made a special tool. She started with four male cockatoos, including Figaro. Then, each bird just had several times to make tool such as fashion a long and thin to reach the nuts. The result was effective, most of them can pass this test. All in all, Auersperg said from this experiment that they and their friends can see the behaviour of the cockatoo was impressive and they were natural toolmakers.  
  
Source : newscientist