dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Katya, in your opening statement, always make sure that you present a proper overview of the information that you will be presenting in the essay. In your summary, you failed to indicate the included years of coverage that your summary analysis will be providing. Since the opening statement is expected to properly outline the discussion and over a glimpse into the required information for discussion, your summary will lose points for being an incomplete paraphrase of the graph provided. Your body paragraphs will also be scored down for not properly indicating digits related to the data for the countries of Iceland, New Zealand, and other countries other than Australia. This is a very lazily written analytical summary that does not bode well for you as a future researcher or masters degree student. Bear in mind that this essay test must prove that you have the analytical skills and ability to research and understand masters degree level information for use in your master thesis or dissertations. You should be able to show how you would properly utilize any given information. You failed to do that in this essay and that, is a very sorry thing. This lack of analytical ability or simply, a disregard for a thorough study of the information presented in the illustration shall result in your failure to pass this test or get an extremely low, barely passing score.
## gender role in a society

  
  
Recent years have witnessed significant modification in gender role in society. As a result, family structure and member's contribution are modifying day by day. Various adjustments can happen depending on family's context but I firmly believe these modifications are advantageous.  
  
Family structure and the importance of each member are altering enormously. Nowadays, in a typical nuclear family, there are only parents and kids, not grandparents as there used to be. Young couples usually prefer staying independently with their parents. In 2010, a survey conducted in the southeast of Vietnam demonstrated that 70% of the young couples asked confirmed that and 85% of the unmarried young said they would definitely do so when they got married. In addition, husband and wife's role are being modified in order to suit the social context. Recent years have witnessed a large number of women pursuing their career. As a result, housework is assisted by men.  
  
These adjustments are creating many positive effects. As married couples live separately from their parents, they can avoid such conflicts caused by the generation gap. This is because young generation has their own living style, which can be incompatible with their parents in some aspects. For example, modern methods in taking care of pregnant women are very different from traditional ones, leading to arguments between the young and the old. Moreover, balance in the gender role in the family gives women more chances to perform their aptitude in society. Besides, when the husband does the housework, he will be more empathetic with his wife. In particular, he understands how hard it is to do much housework after a tiring long work day.  
  
In conclusion, the alteration in the way family is constructed and its member's role are creating many positive effects for individuals.
Ngan, kindly remember to post the original prompt for the essay in the future so that your essay can be better assessed for discussion instruction compliance and additional considerations. At the moment, your essay can only reviewed on a general basis and cannot be given any scoring considerations so you will not know if this essay would have passed the test or not. I have a problem with the way that you wrote the paraphrased opening paragraph. In the title, you used the terms "positive or negative" but in the actual essay, you use the term "advantageous". Please make sure to paraphrase the original prompt accurately because there is a difference between the terms that you used in the title and the terms that you used in the paraphrasing. One mistake in vocabulary or word usage and you will completely alter the topic for discussion in the essay. Once you alter the discussion topic, you will automatically fail the essay. While you did a good job in terms of justifying your line of reasoning, your concluding statement falls short of being an acceptable paragraph. Bear in mind that an acceptable conclusion will still need to follow the required minimum of 3 sentences to be considered a complete paragraph. This is a problem that is shared by your opening statement as well. The 2 bodies that you wrote fall directly within the 5 sentence maximum consideration so the improvements you have to make are all in the paraphrasing section of the essay presentation.
@Holt  
Thanks for your feedback and I'm really sorry for not providing its original prompt :)  
Below is the full question (IELTS Writing Task 2):  
"In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?"  
  
Btw, I don't really understand the issue you mentioned about paraphrasing. I think "advantageous" = beneficial, helpful; therefore I guess it is suitable to paraphrase the word "positive" with "advantageous".  
  
And sorry again if my lack of full question led to any misunderstanding.
Hello everyone, can someone please help me mastered IELTS Writing Task 1 by commenting on my essay below?  
I really appreciate your help. Thank you very much! :)  
  
## Popularity of a theme park

  
  
**(1st Paragraph)**  
The graph illustrates the number of visitors (in thousands) visited the Tabard Towers Theme Park throughout the whole year which is counted per months. Overall, this park has an interesting variation which includes an erratic fluctuation in the middle year and gradual pattern in several first and last months.  
  
**(2nd Paragraph)**  
The Tabard Towers Theme Park has a gradual increase of visitors since the beginning of the year until May from 30000 to 70000 visitors. Later, the visitors number went up and down wildly with an upward trend towards the end of the year. In June, it has more than 50% sharp drop to 20000 visitors before shooting up to hit 120000 mark in the next month, almost doubled the visitors two months ago. The park's visitor fell back to slightly under 80000 in August and bounce back to almost 140000 visitors in September. After that, it plummeted down periodically to 80000 visitors in December where it reaches over 250% visitors since January.  
  
*(161 words)*  
  
*   
*This is the graph that i need to describe.*
Afifah, first of all, your essay has to be at least 3-5 paragraphs in length. For these Task 1 essays, a normal presentation is usually 4 paragraphs in length. That includes the summary conclusion of the essay. This is done by properly dividing the discussion topics of your paragraphs. The first paragraph is always the summary overview of the illustration you were provided. Just include the salient points for discussion but do not give any actual information away.  
  
The next 2-3 paragraphs should offer the comparison points, analysis of the information provided, and any other observations that you might have about the image. Remember, this is an academic / professional report so you have to make sure that you are not skipping or accidentally misrepresenting any information in your summary. Always write a minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph in order to be considered as having fully developed the information.  
  
Your first paragraph is short by one, but you did a good job of presenting the information just the same. You just needed to present it individual sentences instead of compressed into two lines. If you can write 5 sentences, all the better. You could have created a third paragraph if you had opted to divide the information presentation into quarter months of visitors instead of going monthly. That way you would have had enough information material to accurately discuss a more comprehensive and comparable data presentation on your part.
@Holt  
Hi, I did a remake on the essay. Could you please help me check on this? Thank you in advance. I really appreciate your help.  
  
**(1st Paragraph)**  
The graph illustrates the number of visitors (in thousands) who are visiting The Tabard Towers Theme Park throughout the whole year which is counted per months. Overall, the park has an interesting variation which consists of an increasing trend until the end of third quarter, followed by a gradual decline in the last quarter. However, although the first and last quarter have steady up and down marks, the middle two quarters are interesting because they have erratic fluctuations.  
  
**(2nd Paragraph)**  
Starting from January, the park gained a good momentum as it slowly rises from 30000 to 40000 visitors until March. It was then followed by a steady increase to almost doubling up to 80000 people in May. From this point, the erratic fluctuation started where the park reached its lowest point in June.  
  
**(3rd Paragraph)**  
In July, the visitors were shooting up again to hit 120000 mark, almost four times higher than the first month. The numbers decreased sharply to slightly under 80000 in August before rocketing to almost 140000 in the next month. After reached the peak, the park's visitor fell back steadily to 80000 people by decreasing up to 20000 visitors a month until December.  
  
*   
*Tabard Tower Theme Park*
Hello Afifah!  
  
I would like to suggest certain grammatical errors.  
  
Para 1- throughout the ~~whole~~ year (Throughout and whole represent the same idea.).  
counted per month~~s~~.  
\* I would suggest adding the last line of your first para to the beginning of the second para ( This needs to represent the chunk of the data you have acquired through the graph, while the first serves merely as an introduction.)  
  
Para 2 - However, although (However and although again represent the same idea. I would suggest removing however and making this the first line of second para.) the first and the last quarter......  
  
It was then followed by a steady increase ~~to~~ by almost doubling up...  
  
Para 3 - After reaching the peak, the park's visitors.  
  
Good Luck! :)
**Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads.To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## more support for roads or railways?

  
  
Some people believe that governments should invest more money in railways rather than road systems. Personally, I disagree with this point of view because I consider both traffic systems equally important to our societies.  
  
On the one hand, I agree with the idea that states need to build well-functioned railways. Such public traffic system can help to cope with traffic problems, such as traffic congestion and car accidents. In Taiwan, for instance, our local governments have planned to spend lots of fiscal budget building railways. This policy certainly solve the problem of traffic jam, which had bothered local residents seriously. Another benefit of railway is that it is more eco-friendly. Trains powered by electricity do not generate harmful emissions and excessive carbon dioxide.as a result, railways can also help to protect our environment.  
  
Nevertheless, there are still some difficulties which can not be dealt with by trains. Firstly, railways must be built in areas with huge population, or they would not be financially efficient. Secondly, some regions, such as mountainous countrysides, are not appropriate to develop such public transport but more suitable to rely on roads. For instance, construction companies could find it hard to build railways on the hills. Finally, railway stations are located in fixed places but each individual person might have his or her destination. Even we take trains reaching the station nearby our destination, we still need to travel to there by cars or vehicles depending on roads.  
  
In conclusion, railways are so essential that governments should develop them, but I believe that we would have a more convenient society with well-developed roads.
Kevin, let's get one thing straight here. When you are given an opinion essay to write, specially one that specifically asks for the extent of your agreement or disagreement with a topic, such as in this case, you must signify that in the opening statement. You must choose only one point of view to discuss because of the descriptive instruction "OR" in the original prompt. The inclusion of the word "OR" means that you will discuss only the side that you support, not both sides.  
  
The way that you discussed this essay clearly shows that you do not understand the instructions provided and will cause an automatic failure of this essay in the actual test process. Your essay response does not accurately represent the requirements you were provided with and therefore, cannot be considered for grading past the first portion of the scoring criteria. You cannot be graded on the remaining sections when you have already failed to properly understand the English instructions for the discussion essay. There is no use in scoring the remaining parts since it is obvious that you do not understand the discussion topic and instructions you were provided. The correct approach to this essay would have been:  
  
There are some people who support the idea that the government should spend more money on the development of railway systems. Others believe that the government money would be better spent on developing road ways. In my opinion, I agree that the government should spend more money on developing the roads to a certain extent.  
  
Use 2 paragraphs to defend your stance then conclude the essay by saying; "In conclusion, I would like to reiterate there is a requirement for the building of more roads as opposed to railways. This is supported by the fact that... In the end..."
*The teaching situation of teacher and students in a classroom will no longer be exist by the year 2050.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?*  
  
## a threat for classroom existence?

  
  
It is considered by some that the teaching and learning environment of teachers and pupils in a room in reality will disappear before 2050. In my opinion, I do not agree that there will no longer be any learning interactions between the two group of people in the real world, but the virtual classroom may somehow replace the functions of a physical classroom.  
  
Firstly, technology becoming more advanced may be the main reason leading to the disappearance of teachers teaching in a classroom. The invention of different communication applications favours the exchange of ideas online, through the Internet in any place at any time, which lowers the importance and uniqueness of a real classroom. In other words, applications like Skype, Facetime or even other teaching and learning websites can link up teachers and students conveniently, allowing them to meet and interact at their homes or offices, without needing them to gather together at the same place.  
  
However, the importance of the existence of classrooms cannot be ignored, as they provide a platform for people to socialise and learn to get along with others, which this cannot be fulfilled and replaced by online learning sites or lesson videos. Teachers are not only teaching what are told in textbooks, but also the manners and communication skills which are essential to students. To illustrate, students are learning to respect teachers and classmates when having regular face-to-face lessons in the classroom. Such vital skills required as an individual living in the society ensure the stable and unreplaceable position of real classroom.  
  
In conclusion, classrooms will still exist for a long time in the next few centuries as places for teachers to teach and students to learn, since new popular learning methods, in particular the commonly used of the Internet, can only take up part of the functions of classrooms.
Karen, it would be best if you followed the proper manner of stating an agreement or disagreement with the given statement in a clear manner. In this instance, the best way to have presented your disagreement with the statement would have been to say the following: "I disagree with the statement that teachers and students will no longer exist in a classroom setting by the year 2050 to a certain extent. My belief is based upon several reasons that I will be discussing in the succeeding paragraphs."  
  
It is important that you clearly state a degree of disagreement with the statement so that the outline section of your essay will be complete and accurate in its representation of the paraphrased prompt. By clearly stating that you disagree to a certain extent, you prepare the reader for the line of reasoning that you will be presenting in the forthcoming paragraphs. I have no problems with the line of reasoning that you state in paragraphs 2-3. However, the concluding statement contains a new set of discussion information that you should not have included there. That is because the concluding statement should have merely wrapped up the essay by saying; " It is for the aforementioned reasons that I believe the classroom will not be obsolete by the year 2050. New forms of classroom education will take its place in order to create a more effective manner of teaching in the 21st century. To be precise, classrooms will evolve into technology based, video conferencing style classrooms at that point in time, using technology to take the place of the physical classroom instead."  
  
The conclusion should only summarize the important points of discussion in your essay as a recap of the discussion. This is to show that you are capable of paraphrasing not only the given statement, but also information that you provided personally for the essay. This will help to increase your final score because you can display your English thinking, comprehension, and writing skills to a greater degree.
Things I have to write about:  
-hobbies and activities  
-preparing for the future  
-your own idea  
  
140-190 words  
  
My essay:  
  
## Study even in a leisure time?

  
  
I agree with the statement because I firmly believe that people should have enough time to cultivate their interests.  
  
First of all, we all have hobbies and activities we enjoy doing, they're a big part of our daily lives and putting them aside in order to focus on studying is not a good idea, as we need some time to relax and clear our minds.  
  
Furthermore, studying is not the only way to prepare for the future. It is certainly very important, but I think that all kinds of experiences will help you broaden your knowledge, without having to spend all your spare time learning things from textbooks.  
  
Having said that, some people say that spending your free time studying is still more productive than spending it surfing on the Internet. While that may be true, I believe that we need to concentrate on other activities once in a while. Otherwise, we can get fed up with studying very easily.  
  
On the whole, I think we should be able to balance the time we spend studying and the one we dedicate to our personal interests.
Sara, with a total of 190 words, you should have been able to write at least 3 interconnected and completely developed paragraphs instead of these individualized sentences. Practice developing a complete thought process using paragraphs. That way you also develop your complex sentence abilities. You must also practice paraphrasing when writing your opening paragraph. This will help to introduce the reader to the topic that you have to write about. Always assume that your reader has no idea what the topic you are writing about is so you need to introduce it in your own understanding. This will help you develop your English comprehension skills. While your ideas and opinions are acceptable, it lacks justification. For example, in paragraph 2, you should have given an example of how relaxing the mind becomes advantageous to a student who is facing a battery of tests at school. Give supporting facts relating to the popularly known benefits of relaxing during free time. That gives your essay a more authoritative tone and shows that you understand the required discussion for the given topic.
Hello!!  
  
The introduction is your power statement. It's the one thing that decides whether or not someone will truly be intrigued to read your essay.  
  
But here, the opening statement is a paradox in itself. Firstly, the topic is a question giving you the choice to decide on which side you are willing to support and why. Simply stating that you agree with the topic does'nt add much sense.  
  
Try stating which view seems more appropriate to you and then substantiate why.  
  
Start with something like: Studying and Leisure are never go hand in hand. While some firmly adhere to this thought, others would certainly disagree. Personally, I believe that these two don't belong in the mix.  
  
The next mistake I felt is that you have 4-5 distinct sentences. Instead you could divide the whole essay into  
1) Introduction  
2) Body - Why you support the side you chose. You could also try to include briefly the opposing views as well.  
3) Conclusion - What message you want the reader to draw from your essay.  
  
Body: Being social animals, we all have passions and hobbies and activities we love to do. Elaborate on ideas as to why this is important for an individual ( Emotionally and mentally healthy). You could also shine light into the adverse effects of studying alone without other activities ( Increasing suicide rates among students, mental health problems like depression)  
  
Conclude your essay by saying that a balance of both education and leisure are needed to have a happy life.  
  
Good Luck Sara!! :)