dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
An, I believe you are writing a response to a Task 2 essay assignment. Am I right? If so, then you have not responded properly to the given discussion topic. You need to present a fully developed essay composed of the following sections:  
  
1. Prompt restatement with a response to the question providing the discussion outline for your essay;  
2. At least 2 separate reasoning paragraphs in support of your agreement with the statement;  
3. A concluding summary of the previous discussion points.  
  
You also need to write at least 250 words for a full task 2 essay scoring consideration. What you wrote, if for a Task 2 essay will get an automatic failing grade due to the points deduction for missing word count.  
  
If, on the contrary, you only wrote this as an English writing exercise, then it is good enough for an exercise, even with existing problems. First up, never forget to place a comma before a conjunction. In this case the conjunction is "education , but". Never use contractions such as "doesn't" in formal academic writing. Always spell out the whole word such as "does not". Using more descriptive adjectives in your essay will also help to improve your vocabulary and sentence development skills. Try to avoid using overused expressions such as "All in all", Use more modern references such as "Overall" to show a familiarity with everyday modern English word use.
**The line graph shows the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton.**  
*My answer*  
  
The line graph illustrates the proportion of visitors to England who went to four different tourist attractions in Brighton between 1980 and 2010.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the percentage of visiting Pavilion and Pier increased over the period of 30 years while the figure for other attractions in Brighton fell.  
  
In 1980, Festival was the most popular attractions for visitors to England. Although having the highest percentage at 30% in 1980, this figure had fallen slightly to 28% by the year 2010. The percentage of visitors who went to Art Gallery stood at 22% in 1980. After 5 years, it reached the peak of 37%. However, this figure then declined to 20% in 1990. Throughout the remainder of the period, the figure continued to drop sharply to under 10% in 2010.  
  
As it can be seen from the graph, the proportion of tourists visiting Pavilion in Brighton had the starting figure at approximately 25% in 1980. In 1995, this figure reached its highest point at 50% before plunging to 30% in 2010. Despite fluctuations, the proportion of visitors traveling Pier rose from 10% in 1980 to over 20% in 2010.  
  
**Thank you for reading**  
  
*
**In many developing countries, there is a problem with declining quality of air and water from both industry and construction. What measures could be taken to prevent this?**  
  
## waste treatment and clean energy sources

  
  
A nation's journey from an underdeveloped economy to a developed one requires it to build factories and roads at a rapid pace. It is observed that these industrial and infrastructural developments are taking a toll on the environment of some of the developing countries by depleting it's air and water quality. This essay will point out the problem areas in order to suggest necessary measures to solve them.  
  
When we talk about all the famous and not so famous industrial revolutions that had happened around the world, what is that one feature common to all of them? Of course all of them happened near natural water sources. Because factories need outlets to dispose its wastes, natural water sources, like rivers and seas, have always been conveniently chosen as their carriers. Although it is not feasible to arrange for another source of outlet, least we can do is to deploy an efficient waste treatment plant before merging it to water.  
  
As a fast growing nation has to cater to the burgeoning needs of the power requirements, so it leads to setup of a large number of power plants. Majority of these plants uses the technique of combusting coal to generate electricity. Alas! This process also generates poisonous gases, like Sulphur and Carbon Monoxide, as their by-products rendering to air pollution. An easier way to solve this is by reducing the dependency on fossil fuels and gradually shifting towards clean and renewable sources of energy like wind, solar and hydroelectricity.  
  
One might argue that its easier said than done, but I still believe that implementation of waste treatment mechanisms and gradual shift towards cleaner sources of power can be planned, enacted and regulated. A complete shift might be a herculean task to perform but, undoubtedly this is the way forward for any society to handover a healthy environment to their future generation.
Hi, I think your skill in English is apparent, but I don't think you focused enough on the prompt in your response. You spent too much time discussing the background of environmental problems and not enough directly answering the prompt by giving measures that could be taken. For this response, I would expect two measures each for air pollution and water pollution, but because you gave so much information on the background of these problems, you were only able to give one measure for each.  
  
Here are some other suggestions:  
  
... by depleting [their] air ... {"depleting" means using up, which is not really correct here - maybe "diminishing"} This essay will point out the problem ... {I think you spent too much time pointing out the areas, which is not part of the prompt, and not enough time giving your solutions, which is what the prompt asks}  
  
... Of course all of them [took place] near ... {these two sentences seem to veer too far off topic - "famous and not so famous"? it seems a little too flippant} ... outlets to dispose [of their] wastes,  
  
...natural water sources, like rivers ... {well, as a point of fact, the industrial revolution started near rivers because water power in the form of water wheels driving mills was the first source of power for industrial revolution era factories. You could always just dump your waste on the ground - a river is not really necessary}  
  
..., [the] least we can do  
  
... before merging [pollutants into] water. {the prompt asks only for "measures that could be taken to prevent air and water quality problems" - only this last phrase of your last sentence directly addresses this}  
  
... needs of [its] power ... to [establishing] a large ... [The] Majority of these plants [use] the technique of  
  
... generate electricity. Alas! {this just does not seem to reflect the scholarly tone this essay should have} ..., like Sulphur and Carbon Monoxide, {do not capitalize these, as they are not proper nouns} as their by-products [resulting in] air pollution.  
  
... One might argue that [these proposed solutions are] easier said than done,  
  
... and [a] gradual shift ...  
  
... for any society to [hand over] a healthy ...
Hi, I was very interested in hearing what you have to say since our three boys go to a private school, yet of course we still (happily) pay property taxes for the local public schools. I thought your writing was very good for the most part. Your quality in terms of grammar seemed to decrease a bit towards the end of your essay, but your vocabulary was strong throughout. I think you addressed the task correctly, but see below that the development of your ideas and support could have been a bit better:  
  
... relieved of their [duty to pay] education-related taxes.  
  
... generation - the majority ... schools - with {I would use commas instead of dashes in a formal essay. Also, I would say "the majority of whom go" ... but that may be because I am more familiar with American English}  
  
... officer, whose [services most people rarely if ever] need, to appear out of nowhere [when the need arises] and [only] then start giving him [a ] salary. {it seems like this is more what you meant} Evading just education taxes ... {maybe "Treating education taxes in a similar "pay as services are needed" way simply does not make sense." } {this last example seemed a little off track. I think it would have been better to stick closer to your main idea of the paragraph that education benefits everyone in society, not just those who are receiving the education, therefore it is reasonable for everyone to pay to support it.}  
  
If the option to also [forgo paying] other kinds of taxes also ~~becomes available~~ [becomes widespread], then the problem will only [become further complicated]. {I think this could have been more clear - your idea is if this concept of paying only for what you use spreads, it could have many negative ramifications in other parts of society} ... private schools [are] allowed {or "get permission"} to skip  
  
... to choose [the] taxes they want to pay.  
  
... tax regulation, more [red tape], {"red tape" is non-countable singular} and social inequality {I don't see the social inequality factor here} in general. The current tax [systems] of many countries  
  
... general expenses ..., should not be skipped. {you say here that a tax is an expense - this is unclear to me - taxes are used to pay for government expenses}  
  
... and also ~~ensuing~~ [create/generate/engender] numerous issues.
Watching different types of sports either by staying in home or by going physically is a common practice in all ages of people. Some people believe that sitting idle in front of TV or in the internet watching sports is a complete waste of time. The argument that watching sports is waste of time is a subject that is both supported and refuted by many. Both sides of this argument will be analyzed before a reasoned conclusion is drawn.  
  
Firstly, normally people watch sports in their free time in order to be relaxed and to support their favorite team. For example, people of Bangladesh are huge fan of cricket and they have unconditional support for Bangladesh Cricket Team. Last year, In one high voltage Cricket match between Bangladesh and India at Asia cup final,because of high expectation from the people to watch the game ,The Government had declared that day as a holiday even though it was a normal working day. This situation has occurred because of the patriotism they hold in themselves and how they want to be refreshed mentally. Thus it is clear that it is not waste of time to be busy on watching sports during Spare time.  
  
On the other hand, spending time by watching game on TV could be monotonous and does not help us both mentally and physically. As research shows that in order to remain healthier, it is important to do some exercise every day. So that, people not only remain fit but also will be able to meet different types of people to communicate with, which in turn will help them to have a appropriate social life. Hence , it could be said that watching game by staying at home is a kind of waste of time.  
  
In summary. Both side of the argument regarding the uses of free time watching sports have strong supports.However, after analyzing the two camps , spending leisure time by enjoying sports as a group are beneficial compare to do it alone in home. It is thus recommended to involve socially either by doing exercise or by watching sports together or playing sports etc.
- You only posted the first half of the argument so I don't really know what you're arguing about exactly. However, base on your essay, I suppose that you're discussing the time-worthiness between watching sports and engaging in real exercises.  
  
- The general opening sentence is quite unclear. I think including 'either by staying in home or by going physically' in this sentence is unnecessary as it's only a general statement. My suggestion is something like this: Watching sports has been a common pastime for people of all ages for many years.  
  
- Grammar errors can be spotted frequently throughout your essays. My suggestion is to use some grammar correction software to check your first works so you can pay attention to what kind of mistakes you frequently make.  
  
- In paragraph 2, you've mentioned that people watch sports to be relaxed. However, there is little to no support for this idea.  
- 'Thus it is clear that it is not waste of time to be busy on watching sports during Spare time'; 'it could be said that watching game by staying at home is a kind of waste of time.' I feel like these 2 sentences are personal statements and are conflicted with each other.  
  
- Your summary says that you side with actual activity engagement but that last sentence is causing confusion to readers.  
  
I don't have much experience fixing essays but above are some of my suggestions. I hope you will improve in your next works.
@na57zim you did not provide the target audience for your writing, type of writing you are doing (IELTS. TOEFL, Speech, etc.) so you cannot expect us to review your essay for content and presentation relevant to a specific writing audience. The most that we can do, is offer a general observation of your work. Please remind yourself to post the prompt and target audience next time you come to this forum for a review. It is a requirement.  
  
The first thing I noticed was the haphazard way this essay was put together. You did not even bother to use proper spacing between sentence endings and beginnings, this creating difficulty and stress for anyone who reads your work. Remember the last word of the previous sentence should closed with a period and separate from the next sentence beginning by a space. Otherwise the word becomes jumbled and unreadable. Pay attention to your spacing between punctuation marks.  
  
Speaking of punctuation marks, you cannot start the next word after a comma with a capital letter. That is considered to still be part of the existing sentence so it should be a lowercase letter unless it is representing a noun. You should also use a comma after introductory elements such as "Thus". Use the word "an" instead of "a" before a vowel starting word and a word that starts with a consonant but is pronounced as a vowel. Capital letters are only used when writing nouns and starting words of sentences or the personal pronoun "I". It should not be used for any other purpose in the presentation.  
  
These are the observations that I can discuss regarding the formation of your sentences. I cannot judge the content as I do not know what the discussion topic is, the reason for it, and the discussion instruction regarding it. I can do that next time if you give me the complete instructions to review your work with.
@coke  
thank you very much for your feed back as I got it very useful. Next month I am going to sit for IELTS exam. This is the first time I posted here and too much confused with everything. hope things will get easier within some days. Next time i will try to implement your suggestion and would be able to overcome these mistakes. would you please recommend me some grammar check software ??  
  
Will be grateful to have your feed back in future .  
  
@Holt  
Thanks for your kind feed back.  
Next time i will not forget to address the target audience . One thing is not clear to me from your feed back"proper spacing between sentence endings and beginnings".  
  
would you please specify if it is possible where such mistakes is found in my essay.  
  
I appreciate your kind response  
Thank you  
Nazim
*People living in large cities face many problems in their everytime life.What are these problems ?Should goverment encourage people to move to small regional town?*  
  
## not so easy life in an urban area

  
  
Life is becoming more and more difficult these days,especially in the hustle and bustle of city life which leads to many problems that why i think goverment should take action to make cities be more livable.Encouraging people to move to small regional town may be one of the best solutions for problems in the cities.  
  
As we all know that cities' citizens have to face many problems such as the increasing of environmental pollution like water,air and noise pollution which affect directly to their health and their life span.Accidents which are caused by traffic jam for getting sleepy when driving make cities even more dangerous.People also find its hard to get a job in city and as we can guess there will be many people who are unemployed engage in criminal activities as a way of making money, this poses a threat to people living in these cities.Moreover living in urban is not cheap at all, its difficult for people with low salary or no job to pay for rent and utility bills as a result, many people are found living in the sheds,garages and outhouses even under the bridges.People who have job are also not positive because they have to work hard under constantly pressure due to high workloads.  
  
For all above i have just mentioned, i think its necessary that people should be encouraged to move to rural area.When people scatter to rural area properly,there will be various problems be solved such as traffic jam which reduces a great amount of urban citizens' stress for not having to crow on the street or environmental pollution thar lead to better citizen's health, Lacking of job is also be solve because there are enough works for people in certain area and more and more problems can be solve.But to make this happen i think government should create good conditions for people who are willing to relocate such as financial support.Goverment should invest more money in rural infrastructure and facilities to attract more people.They also should propaganda to let people know the benefit of rural life such as peaceful that is good for their health... or help they understand why these area are not developed because of skill labour shortage... Finally the problems would be tackled both rural and urban citizen will get benifit.  
  
Thanks for your checking <3
I think you did a great writing, owing to the fact that you are concise and clear in your writing. You are able to show a certain kind of correlation between cause and and effect. Your deal for using references is also another winning key. Thus you are able to show that psychological features and characteristics affect our health. However, you could also make an extension, such like some emotions like happiness, grieve, anger and jealously... And other aspect from individual and social response vis-à-vis the victim. Example of harassment, malice, inferiority complex which can easily affect the mind and the brain....
Steph, there is a bigger and far greater problem in your essay than just the simple structure and missing thesis statement. The information you are using as the basis of your research and discussion are all over 5 years old. Some of these data even stems back 70 years ago! That has created a research paper that is irrelevant to the 21st century and its related scope of research. Your paper should not have any information dating earlier than 2013 for this research. All research papers submitted to professors must contain updated information to help prove the relevance of the topic, applicable collated / researched information, and timely discussion. If you try to submit this to your professor, it will either get a failing score due to the irrelevance of cited information or, you will be asked to submit a new paper that uses more current information in relation to your topic of choice. That is why I am suggesting that you redo the paper. This time, take note of the year of publication for the information you will be using. Make sure it was published no earlier than 5 years back. You might be able to stretch it to 10 years back, if the professor will accept such dated information. No professor will accept a paper that cites information from the 1940's, 80's, and 90's though. That is just back dating the research too much. The information you are sharing is irrelevant and no longer applicable due to the age of the data. There are more recent research results you can use if you just apply the proper amount of research time within correct sources for it.
## The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising!

  
  
*The society would benefit from a ban on all forms of advertising because it serves no useful purpose, and can even be damaging. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?*  
  
Nowadays, it is true that advertising has been widespread in the world. Some people argued that all complete restriction on all types of adverts would be conducive to community due to its pointless and sometimes harmfulness. However, not all categories have detrimental effects on society and I therefore partly agree with the idea.  
  
On the one hand, advertising which adversely affect should be prohibited. Advertisements can certainly tempt children in particular to buy products that they might not want and in turn their parents spend their budget on unnecessary things. In fact, the main purpose of advertisers is to convince that buying things leads to happiness through colorful image on billboard in particular which attract customers. Children are too young to comprehend the harmful impacts of products on them and therefore it is inevitable that the youths put pressure on their older adults by pestering or nagging. Advertisement of laser light, for example which is exaggerated its function such as making fire, cutting paper and so on while this toy triggers the blind as children contact with it for a long time. In the same way, snack is advertised wisely on television time after time and becomes a popular food among adolescents, while the product has negative influences on their health. It is necessary that these types of advertising should be banned as soon as possible before unforgettable consequences occur.  
  
On the other hand, it is beneficial for society to accept other advertisements. Firstly, thanks to this form, customers would have chances to access to information of products. In fact, advert is a useful type of annoucement which companies provide clients with their goods. Therefore, Buyers could compare easily its standards like shape, price and make a decision instead of going to shops directly. Secondly the tremendous development of advertising tackles the unemployed issue which becomes hetic concern of many countries in the world. In indeed, when firms succeed in selling their products by positive impacts of advertisement, the quality life of employees would be enhanced. Cocacola cooperation, for instance which successfully makes use of the form of promotion has a host of branch over the world and creates thousands of jobs for community.  
  
In conclusion, although prohibition need to apply to few types of advertising be harmful to society, it is sems to me that others has advantages for humans being.