dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Van, since this is your first Task 2 essay, I will not be scoring you this time around. Your work needs to show improvement over your next few essays in order for me to begin to gauge whether or not it is time to start scoring your work. For now, I will point out your mistakes and offer you suggestions as to how you can improve your writing skills.  
  
The first problem this this essay is that you are using too many long sentences. You need to cut these down to shorter but complex sentences in order to improve your GRA score. Writing shorter sentences will also help you create more understandable paragraphs since you are advised to write about only one topic per paragraph within 3-5 sentences. This is the advised length for most of the essay because you are expected to write a mix or short and medium length sentences instead of sentences separated by commas when presenting ideas. Using commas that separate various ideas makes it difficult for the reader to remember what you wrote or creates confusing paragraphs that the reader may not be able to fully understand during the first read through.  
  
Do not offer questions within the essay. You are risking creating a prompt deviation in that instance. You must only offer responses that answer the prompt or cultivate your response throughout the body of paragraphs. You should also never start a sentence with the word "but" because that is a connecting word and as such, cannot be used at the start of a sentence, where no idea or sentence exists to connect to the next sentence.  
  
Your personal point of view should not be extremely short as it needs to be developed into a proper paragraph also. In addition to that, never make the mistake of using the concluding paragraph to state your personal opinion because you end up presenting an open ended rather than concluded essay. An open ended essay is an essay that presents a personal opinion in the final paragraph. That does not close the essay discussion because new information was provided. A concluding summary is similar to the prompt paraphrase in the sense that it refers to the restated prompt topic, reasonings presented, and a repeat of your opinion as the closing sentence.  
  
In a 2 point of view and personal opinion discussion, the proper format is as follows:  
  
Par. 1 - prompt paraphrase  
Par. 2 - First point of view  
Par. 3 - Second point of view  
Par. 4 - Personal opinion  
Par. 5 - Concluding summary  
  
If you wish to learn more about the proper formatting and response presentation for various essay questions under the Task 2 essay test, you may review the other practice tests here. Note their mistakes and the advice given so that you can apply the correction to your upcoming practice tests.
## turning prison into "holiday camps"?

  
  
Future plans to design prisons for learning and working , with bigger cells containing computers that will enable study an communication , have been criticized for trying to turn prison into " holiday camps" and for " wasting taxpayers' money " . To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views??  
  
Many people argue that future plans of redesigning existing prisons , which allow prisoners to have opportunities to learn and work , are such a waste of money and would make prison seems like a place to entertain . While this might be true to some extent , I firmly believe that this approach can bring some benefits.  
  
For a variety of reasons , it would be wrong to invest a large amount of money in transforming prisons to be a better place while the outcome is not guaranteed. If the national budget is spent for such things , that means less money would be allocated for education of the young generations who are eager to learn . As a result , this high-risk investment may cause several damaging effects on education quality . Furthermore , who would be the one that hold responsibility in ensuring that prisons will not take advantage of these accommodation for evil purposes . For example , prisoners might together discuss a plan of prison-breaking thanks to internet-connected computers.  
  
However , I still believe that these changes need to be made . Firstly , because the rights of learning and working is some of the most fundamental ones written in every countries' constitution , so this means every members of society should have equal opportunities of learning and working . Secondly , this changes might not only to give prisoners motivation and interest , but also help them live a relatively normal life. By this way ,after being released , prisoners may find it easier to reconnect with society , and therefore they would be less likely to reoffend.  
  
In conclusion , I believe that the future schedules to positively change prisons should be encouraged in order to create a equal society.
Tran, you did not understand what the discussion method for this topic is. Your response to the original question is inappropriate and caused you to discuss the topic from a different angle than originally intended. Look at the outline below in order to understand how you made your mistake:  
  
Question: To what extent do you agree or disagree with these views??  
  
Response: While this might be true to some extent , I firmly believe that this approach can bring some benefits.  
  
The discussion instruction is asking you to take a measured approach to the discussion once you have chosen a side to defend. So either you agree or disagree and then place a measurement of support behind your opinion choice. For example, I would have said that :  
  
*I totally disagree with the concept of turning prisons into vacation places for criminals for several reasons.*  
  
Then, using the pre-stated reasons in the original discussion, I would have written a 3 body paragraph in support of my stance.  
  
You turned this single opinion essay into a comparative discussion because you were not clear on how to approach the discussion. Familiarize yourself, using samples from this forum, with the various methods of approaching the extent essay discussions. That should help you develop a more proper approach to your own writing when you come across another extent essay discussion.
I take the IELTS test in 13 days, so I do hope to receive your comments and feedback about my writing skill and score it if possible.  
  
I would appreciate your help. Thanks in advance.  
  
**People in the community can buy cheaper products nowadays. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
## industrialization makes products cheaper

  
  
It is obvious that consumers can buy products with lower price in this time and age thanks to the industrialization. While I accept that there are some drawbacks, I think that these are outweighed by the benefits.  
  
On the one hand, there are certainly some problems associated with buying cheaper products. It is clear that customers should take the quality of products into consideration. As a company have to balance the proportion of capital and profit they make, to manufacture low-priced products, they may used materials that are not guaranteed. If people use that kind of product in a long term, undoubtedly, they may suffer from some health problems such as cancer. Besides, along with the mass production, there will be more wastes and emissions disposed, which obviously exacerbate the environment pollution.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that the advantages will not be overshadowed by those drawbacks.The greatest advantage can be seen when people are provided cheaper products is that they could save a great deal of money spent on daily expenses and thus, they invest that saving amount on other important aspects such as education or housing. In addition, it is particularly favorable for low-income families as they will have a wide range of options to improve their living standards.  
  
Another benefit is that there will be a rising demand for purchasing commodities due to the fall of price. As a result, the more expenditure people spend, the faster the national economy grows. Not only are manufacturers beneficial but also other parts of a supply chain take advantage of this phenomenon.  
  
To sum up, it seems to me that the advantages for consumers and the economy of buying cheaper products these days have more than compensated for the downsides
TA - 6  
  
Vu, you have a slight prompt deviation in your opening paraphrase. The prompt paraphrase should not contain any information that is not present in the original discussion. That is because when you add information, the tendency will be to change the slant of the discussion and no longer follow the given prompt instructions for the discussion. However, your thesis statement still aligns itself with the required discussion response so that is one of the good things that you did for this section of writing. Your prompt deviation was: "thanks to the industrialization..." You could have used that as the topic sentence for your second paragraph instead.  
  
C&C - 5  
  
While your discussions are related to the topic. There are certain instances where you do not fully develop the paragraph in terms of discussion because you are offering too much information in one presentation. Try to stick to the tried and tested formula of 1 topic per paragraph. The problems with your C&C can be seen in the way that, in the second paragraph,. you first discuss how the profits of the manufacturer influence the quality of the product. You should not have involved a specific reference to cancer in this instance because only a general reference to health concerns should be referenced. Or, if you wanted to remain on point, you could have said that cheap products result from cheap materials that result in low quality an unreliable products. The presentation of mass production and waste disposal should have not been introduced because you did not properly explain the reasons to support it. When you present only talking points without proper supporting sentences, you end up with under-developed and little relevant discussion paragraphs.  
  
LR - 5  
  
Try to familiarize yourself with the English language. Use a synonym reference guide in order to avoid using redundant / same meaning words such as "expenditure people spend". The more proper term is " As a result, the more people spend..."  
  
GRA - 6  
  
Though you tend to use overly long sentences and your sentence structure is not always properly complex or simple, the reader can easily understand what you are trying to say. So I would like you to practice writing using full stops instead of commas. You do not need to present long sentences. You need to present proper sentences. That means, you must avoid putting together various ideas in one sentence. That helps you to avoid confusing your reader and lowering your GRA score. There is a minimum of 3 sentences and maximum of 5 sentences to be presented per paragraph. Don't try to get around it by using commas to speak your mind, even when the topics no longer relate. As long as you write 250 words, your essay will be considered for the highest possible score based on your writing skills.
*Hi, I would appreciate it a lot if you can assess my writing and also rate the IELTS band score for this essay.  
Thank you in advance!*  
  
## formal academic qualification is not enough

  
  
**Topic: Nowadays, some employers think that formal academic qualifications are more important than life experience or personal qualities when they look for new employees. Why is in this case? Is a positive or negative development?**  
  
In these modern days, recruiters tend to prefer employees with formal academic qualifications than those with life experience and personal qualities. I personally believe that this is a negative development.  
  
There are certain reasons for the changing criteria in recruitment nowadays. The first and perhaps most important reason is that academic qualifications are often a reliable proof of one's ability, which helps the employers to save time testing their employees' quality. Moreover, some jobs such as researchers and professors require technical knowledge which can probably be provided better in higher education. Also, it will improve the reputation of the company whose employees are all formally qualified. For instance, there are several law firms that only employ graduates from prestigious schools like Harvard so that their clients would have faith in their lawyers.  
  
However, I believe that overestimating qualifications could lead to numerous negative impacts. First, this development might prompt job-seekers to fake their qualifications in order to avoid being unemployed. In addition, not all qualifications are reliable, in Vietnam some people even earned a Master degree through an online course after a few months. Finally, it is highly likely that a wide range of potential workers could be overlooked as they do not have high qualification, which is a huge loss for a company.  
  
To conclude, it is some employers' belief that formal academic qualification are more important than life experience or personal qualities of employees due to several reasons. In my opinion, this development has negative effects on both companies and job-seekers.
Okay, there are some areas that you can improve:  
- First off, "I personally believe that this is a negative development". This is your most important sentence and will be the foundation of the entire essay, which means your essay should support and explain why you're saying so. You can see that your essay does not accomplish this. The first paragraph is contradicting the second one, and both of them does little to explain your thesis sentence. I suggest you use both paragraphs to explain why you think this is a negative development.  
  
- To make it clearer, in IELTS, you have three approaches to writing an essay. Given a problem, you can choose to support the positive argument or the negative one, or both. The first two choices are more popular, and I suggest you to choose them, since doing so makes it easier for you to make your essay consistent with your thesis statement, and if there is anything that the examiners want, that is clarity and consistency. Having a neutral stance, i.e. having both arguments in your essay is okay, but it is more difficult to write and to maintain a clear opinion.  
  
- "Also, **it** will improve ...". The "it" is ambiguous and should not be used here. When you reread your essay, ask yourself "What does "it" represent ? What does "it" stand for ?". A rule of thumb is to look at the previous sentence to find out. Here is my take on your sentence : "Also, having employees who are all formally qualified will be tremendously valuable for the company to improve it's reputation". You can see that the sentence is now much clearer.
@LocLe  
  
Thank you so much for your advice! Also, here is my response:  
  
- As the topic is a 2-part question (Why is in this case? Is a positive or negative development?), I think it is sensible to answer each question in each body paragraph. However, your advice suggests me that I should probably change my introduction to make it clearer: "It is true that these days recruiters tend to prefer employees with formal academic qualifications than those with life experience and personal qualities. There are various reasons for this development, and it seems to me that the impacts are largely negative". Do you think that this intro is better?  
  
- To talk about approaches, this is what I have been concerned for a while. I am aware that it is easier for me to keep my essay in just one opinion (either negative or positive), but having a neutral stance will give me more ideas to write and develop in my essay, especially when I only have 40 minutes in the test (which means that I have to come up with the ideas really quick). To be honest, I still not figure out which approach should I choose :(  
  
- You are right, the "it" doesn't sound suitable in my sentence. Thank you for rewriting it!  
  
*Once again, thanks for taking your time and helping me with my writing.*
- Yes, what I was trying to say is that your paragraphs should be explaining and extending from your thesis statement. Your original statement did not address the first half of the question. (Which you fixed in your comment). For even stronger impact and emphasis, you can quickly outline the reasons and the negative effects in your opening paragraph. You can add something like this at the end "This essay will focus on the most notable reasons for this trend, which are the reliable assessments of employees and the reassurance of qualifications from reputable sources. The essay will also address the negative impacts in the form of overestimating qualifications and possible loss of potential workers". So as you can see, the thesis statement is followed by your outline, which creates clarity and give the examiners an idea of what to expect in your essay. Please note that the outline is optional and you should only write this if you are confident in your paraphrasing skills.  
  
- Another thing to note is that you should begin each paragraph with a clear sentence, which states what you're going to do in the paragraph. Should you include an outline like above, the sentence starting the paragraph should be paraphrased.  
  
- As for how you should approach this kind of question. It is clear that the first half requires you to list the reasons, which is pretty obvious. For the second half, I suggest you spend 5 minutes brainstorming for ideas. You should make a list of both the negative and positive sides of the argument. Then take a look at the list and decide which side is easier for you to write. Yes, you can take a neutral stance for the matter, but please remember that doing so will make it difficult for you to write a comprehensive and clear essay. But if that is what you're most comfortable with, then go with it.  
  
- The goal of IELTs is to assess your ability to use English, not your knowledge in various fields. Therefore, you can choose to write something that you don't even agree with, as long as it is easier to write. You can even make up examples, as long as they sound convincing and they support the idea of the whole paragraph.
## Children's education question

  
  
**"In some countries it is thought advisable that children begin formal education at four years old, while in other they do not have to start school until they are seven or eight. How far do you agree with either of these views?"**  
  
Children´s education is a long-term discussion among pedagogues and parents. For some, informal tuition plays an important role at children development, more than its formal aspects. One of the most argued topics from that contest is the age that schooling should begin. In my opinion I disagree with early formal education but I also believe that late formal education does not fit into our modern life.  
  
At an early age, our brain works as a sponge, absorbing any information from the environment that surround us. This is the time when children should live a large number of experiences by themselves, always oriented by adults. Those experiences are what will impact later their´s formation and character. Children are born to play and learn by having fun with their peers. Until my 7th birthday I had never walked into a kindergarten and all my knowledges at that age came from my own experiences with my little friends and family. My parents have always told me that I loved to discover new things and listen to their stories.  
  
In some countries, parents have become encouraged to start their' s children formal education earlier, by the age of four. This is a world tendency that have no turn back. Our modern life has increased the competitiveness among person and formal education plays a very important aspect in that game. Today's market labor has set high standards for professionals who should carry as many higher education degrees as possible. This exigency leaves no option then to force kids to start school before their parents did. A negative point of this trend is that today´s kids will have short childhood with an unmeasurable harm to the society and themselves in the future.  
  
To conclude, besides being part of that modern society which value money and work more than anything, I defend the idea that children should only start formal education after being graduated from informal schools, what happens around the age of seven.
Juliano, the essay prompt uses the word "either" in the question response instruction. Therefore, you cannot discuss both points of view in the essay. The term either is used to indicate alternative responses. That means you can only use one of the two. It's either you agree that children should begin formal education at the age of 4 or, you agree that they should start schooling at the age of 7 or 8. You can't sit on the fence and say you see the benefits of both or that you disagree with early format education because the keyword in the instruction you were given is "agree". Therefore, you cannot "disagree" as that is not provided as an option.  
  
This is a variation of the "extent" essay and as such, requires you to support only one given opinion with regards to which age to start school. Defend it with applicable reasons. Do not discuss the other option because this is not a comparison essay.  
  
Based on the way that you created your own prompt to respond to, you would fail in the TA section and receive a score of 1 due to an unrelated response. A prompt deviation is always the worst kind of mistake that a student can make because this means you totally misunderstood the question. This proves that you are not capable of understanding an English discussion and also, are unable to follow English based instructions. Once you fail the TA section, it stands to reason that you will not be scored highly for the rest of the criteria and as such, could end up getting a score that is nowhere near a passing score. Your tendency will be to fail the test at this point.  
  
More important than understanding what the discussion topic is, you are also scored on your ability to understand the given discussion instruction. You need to depict your English comprehension abilities in a positive manner. Fail to do that and you will risk failing the whole test.
Hi, can anyone help me to check if my writing has any problem?  
  
## traditional skills and ways of life dying out

  
  
**When a country develops its technology, the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and keep them alive. To what extent do you agree pr disagree with this opinion?**  
  
Nowadays, the development it technology throughout the world has raised in an overwhelming speed while it also endangers traditional lifestyle. For my own perspective, it is true that we need to spare great efforts to preserve them, however, we gain enormous benefits from them.  
  
The advanced technology brings us to a higher level of lifestyle. It is inevitable that we have to eliminate old methods for living and embrace a more convenient way. For instance, we can send messages with a few clicks to our phones instead of writing letters and we do not have to meet friends in person anymore while it is more common to chat with friends online with Skype or Facetime. Consequently, some people may consider it insignificant to save the conventional skills for living.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that it is beneficial for us to preserve the ways we used to live in. It is said that human civilization is an accumulation of all sorts of lifestyles. Traditional skills, in other words, are the foundation of every nation. People learn from the past and improve our quality for living. That is to say, we keep traditions alive not only because of reminding us of our roots but also keeping us moving forwards to a better future. We can also use those skills to survive if all technology is out of control.  
  
In conclusion, no matter what convenience the technology brings to us, it is our duty to keep traditional lifestyle away from extinction.