dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Paragraphs 2 and 3 are irrelevant to the motivational letter. The writer clearly shows his intention to continue his academic learning in the field of electrical engineering but fails to provide his current and previous professional background as part of his motivational considerations. The writer must make it clear from the very start that his intentions for higher study have a direct relationship with the current quality of his work and future professional progress. The motivation has nothing to do with his personal background. That may be totally skipped in this presentation.  
  
it's matched with my previous study  
If it matches your previous study but has no relationship with your current skills as acquired through work experience, then this does not make a for a valid statement. The previous study and work relationship always have to go hand in hand as partnered motivating factors.  
  
More importantly, the applicant has not explained why he chose to study at this particular university when there are others that provide the same masters course. What motivated the choice? What made the university stand out? Why this country? How do these appeal to his professional skills training motivations?
## **The two maps below show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities**

  
  
The diagrams illustrate the renovation works which have been made on a small island for tourism.  
It is clear that the island have witnessed some significant change in erection. There have been an abundance of facilities added for tourists such as accommodations and a restaurant.  
  
Originally, the island was undeveloped. There were some trees located on the island while the rest was only an open space. Subsequently, two separated accommodation areas were constructed for travelers to stay. The reception was positioned in the middle, making it easy to access to the other places from here. Besides, the restaurant was also erected to serve the tourists' need.  
  
Moreover, a simple traffic system was added to the island for commuting, with 2 types of road: footpath and vehicle track. Swimming and boating could be the recreational activities for the tourists because of the constructed pier and the beach. Although, the island was filled by many new constructions, no trees were cut down.  
  
*This is a IETLS writing task 1, I need some feedbacks about it to know my band score. Thankyou!*  
  
*
The diagrams  
Take your cue from the original explanation that was provided to you as a reference. The first description indicated 2 maps, note the number of maps provided. Indicate the same in your presentation to remove the guesswork from your presentation. The reader needs to be completely informed within the summary explanation, which includes the number of images provided.  
  
It is clear that the island have witnessed some significant change in erection  
There are a few grammar errors in this presentation. Have should have used the past reference of the word (had). Also, "erection" is singular in form, there are several new edifices erected on the island so the plural form (erections) should have been used.  
  
two separated  
Two seperate, not seperated. Seperated means that a division was created in the original structure. Since these were built seperately, nothing was divided.  
  
Going through the overall essay, the main problem the student has with the presentation relates to proper word usage and grammar presentation. There is a lack of control over the sentence structures as evidenced by these early, but notable errors. The essay will recieve high deductions specifically in the LR and GRA sections.
## the importance of the Internet

  
  
The internet is one of the most great invention, which can allow us access to the information countless sources of intruction. However, this is a positive thing or negative is a controversial problem. In my point of view, the internet not only expands our knowledge, but it brings us a lot of benifits.  
  
To start with, the Internet is a treasure trove of knowledge. Just having a smart phone, you can access the intelligence on any topic on the Internet by engines such as Facbook, Instagram and other websites. Many knowledges will appear in front of them after a few seconds, saving us the amount of time searching the information in the library. More over, full of information in the internet is free. You do not have to pay any costs for its. Therefore, now it is playing a crucial role in human's life.  
  
It is true that every issue has two sides. Beside, it has disadvantages, we cannot neglect the detrimental things. Parent cannot control what content their children view in the internet, because everyone, including children, is freedom to access any intelligence. Futhermore, there are many hackers nowadays, so individuals can be stolen their private data very easily without notice. However, the digital world is being improved and developed day-to-day by humans. I believe that all problems may be solved one day in the future.  
  
In conclusion, thanks to internet, we can have chances to accessing a trove of into. Meanwhile, we should npt ignore its negative effects. We can make sure that we are using the internet in the right way
this is a positive thing or negative is a controversial problem.  
This is an incorrect prompt restatement. The original prompt asks the question "To what extent do you think this is a good thing?" Therefore, the total basis for the prompt restatement + writer's personal opinion is incorrect. It does not reflect the original intentions of the prompt. This task will therefore recieve a failing score due to restatement + opinion inaccuracy. Since the immediate TA score is already failing, it is suffice to say that the overall score for this essay will not be within the passing range.  
  
The writer's inaccurate response to the prompt is the reason why the essay cannot be given a passing score. When asked "To what extent?" the response should be "I agree that this is a good thing to the extent that it provides..." The writer cannot change the discussion instruction from single opinion to comparative as reflected in this presentation. He must learn to identify the differences between single opinion and comparative essay questions / discussion instructions.
Are you applying fo a scholarship to DAAD using this essay? The reason I ask is because the essay does not follow the traditional requirements for a motivation letter, but could be referring to a DAAD or other scholarship application instead. I base this observation on the vast information coverage in this presentation that seem to be providing information to some prompt questions. The lack of identification for the application of the motivation letter is what prevents me from delivering a more targeted review for the letter. I can only provide a general observation for the improvement of this letter.  
  
Consider that the information to be provided is for a motivation letter. A motivation letter is normally used as the cover letter for an application. It provides a summary of the personal statement, statement of purpose, reason for university choice, and reason for studying in a foreign country. These information should be covered in no more than 5 paragraphs. Therefore, this essay has to be intensely edited for content to meet the paragraph and coverage requirements. Focus only on the aforementioned summary information in this paragraph for that editing work. Proper editing and focusing of the letter content will bring it closer to a motivational cover letter for your application. Provided that is, that the letter is not to be used for a DAAD application.
Hi everyone, help me by fixing my sample. you a lot in advance!  
  
## average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010

  
  
The given pie charts depict the proportion of the standard money spent on diverse household expenses in Japan and Malaysia in 2010.  
  
Generally speaking, it can be seen that in both countries the main categories that householders consume money for were food, housing, other goods and services. Japan's percentage figures for transportation and healthcare spending were twice as high as Malaysia's.  
  
The data indicates that Malaysians spend most of their income on housing (34%), while in Japan it occupied just 21% of Japanese's expenditures. The greatest figure of expenditure in Japan was on other goods and services, accounting for 29%, which was slightly higher than that in Malaysia. In terms of food, the percentages in Japan and Malaysia were about the same, at 24% and 27% respectively.  
  
Healthcare was the expense that people in Japan and Malaysia spent the least amount on. Another major expense in Japan was transport, which took up 20%, while money involved in commuting in Malaysia was just half of that number compared with Japan.  
  
*
The given pie charts  
This phrase does not properly inform the reader about the number of charts that have to be dealt with in the report. For clarity ang imagination purposes (always assume the reader cannot see the image), the opening phrase can instead relay the information that "2 pie charts have been provided for analysis. The pie charts represent (image title 1) and (image title 2)." When using this type of singular idea presentation, the writer allows the reader to properly create a mental picture of the information provided.  
  
The rest of the reporting analysis is acceptable and provides clear comparison points from the pie charts. However, the sentence presentations per paragraph need to be better threshed out. Always use the 5 sentence comparison to avoid and mistakes in grammar. A longer presentation also allows for better C+C, LR and GRA scores as the writer is forced to explain himself/herself using varied vocabularies and sentence structure presentations.
## social media in business

  
  
The bar chart indicates the proportion of companies that have social media presented for their businesses purposes over the period from 2012 to 2016.  
  
Overall, large businesses used social media the most for their business plans, while the least percentage came to small businesses. In addition, the proportion of media presence decreased significantly in three types of organizations in 2015.  
  
Looking at the bar chart, social media usage in medium businesses saw a significant increase of 20% from 2012 to 2014, while the percentage of small businesses gradually rose from 25% to 35% in 2014. Additionally, the stable proportion of using social media in large businesses stood at around 75% which was over 2 times higher than that of small companies in the first 3 years.  
  
The year 2015 saw a decline in social media presence with just 30% which came to small and medium-sized companies, while the percentage for large ones stood at 50%. However, the year 2016 saw a considerable increase of 30% in the percentage of large businesses with 80% in total, propelling them to the top ones using social media. Both small and medium companies' percentages were recorded at 50% and 55% respectively.
social media presented for their businesses purposes  
This is not very clear in meaning. I do not doubt that the confusion in your summary presentation is because you used a run-on sentence for the explanation. Once you learn to write single idea sentences, that relate to one another to create a clear paragraph, you will be able to write more coherent / easily understandable paragraphs. This paragraph will definitely not get a good GRA score due to the confusion it created when providing information to the reader. The reader needs to know:  
  
- What types of media were used?  
- What sorts of businessess were involved in the study?  
- How were the measurements collected?  
- What sort of business purposes were represented by the metric?  
  
These are the single idea sentences that should have been present in the summary overview.  
  
The rest of the paragraphs could have used less run-on sentences for the comparative presentation as well. Write long paragraphs instead. The maximum scoring potential of each paragraph is reached within 3-5 sentences. Try to meet the individual sentence idea, and maximum sentence count per paragraph to get better overall scoring considerations.
## ***Computers are now the basis of the modern world.***

  
They should therefore be introduced into classrooms, and their programs used for direct teaching purposes. However, dependence on computers in teaching may carry a certain degree of risk to students.  
  
Discuss both sides and give your opinion.  
Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
You should write at least 250 words.  
  
Computers have laid the foundation of the world we know today. While many are of the opinion that the classroom should be equipped with computers for the sake of teaching, placing too heavy a reliance on them may prove counterproductive. In this essay, I will present both sides of the problem and state my opinion.  
  
On the one hand, it is indubitable that computers create endless teaching possibilities. First of all, by replacing paper worksheets and paperback textbooks with digitalized versions of them, no longer do students have to carry the burden to go to school. Secondly, student management can also require much less effort from the teacher, as computers can complete tasks such as sorting or auto-grading exams for instance. Furthermore, computers provide access to enormous, invaluable educational resources for both the teacher and the student. Learners can look up answers to questions or information about a subject on the spot, while the teacher can make lessons become more exciting.  
  
On the other hand, dependence on computers may bring about negative effects. Firstly, computers can help learners browse for information instantaneously indeed, but this can be habit-forming and overusing computers may limit their critical thinking skills. Secondly, prolonged screen time may damage students' vision, and near-sightedness or far-sightedness has become increasingly commonplace among students as a result. Finally, students could become separate from the real world should they develop an addiction to computers. With no more human-to-human contact, learning is no longer fun.  
  
In conclusion, although we can utilize computers to enhance teaching experience to a certain extent, excessive use of computers can have adverse effects as well. Widespread deployment of computers should be encouraged, so long as we do not count on them.
Computers have laid the foundation of the world we know today.  
While this is an interesting opinion, it should not be placed at the opening part of the prompt restatement. It should instead, be integrated into your personal opinion presentation. The first 2-3 sentences of the prompt restatement + personal opinion paragraph must reflect only the provided discussion points. The writer's opinion, or the basis of the thesis statement, can come in the last 2 sentences.  
  
I will present both sides of the problem and state my opinion.  
This is a totally unnecessary repetition of the discussion instruction which will not receive a score. Once you have restated the 2 public opinions, all that is left is for you to provide your personal opinion. The examiner already knows the discussion instructions and does not need to be reminded of it. Rather, he would like to hear your opinion and thesis statement as a part of the personal opinion clarity scoring consideration.  
  
On the one hand,  
On the other hand  
While these lead in phrases are acceptable, the fact that you failed to reflect that the presentation is based on the public opinion / reasoning considerations mislead the reader. The indication is that, rather than providing a comparative public discussion first, then your personal opinion last, the totality of the reasoning paragraph is based solely on your personal opinion for both sides. The discussion is to be based on the public reasoning consideration, as reflected by the use of the correct 3rd person / group pronouns. This will then be followed by the first person singular pronoun reflection for your opinion paragraph.  
  
although we can  
The summary conclusion is not effective as it merely continues the incorrect discussion format. The final paragraph is known as the summary conclusion for a reason. It is to represent the summarized form of the reasoning discussion, with a quick reference to the original topic sentence and writer's opinion.  
  
While the writer shows a general understanding of the topic, the error in response formatting is the biggest problem that will adversely affect the final score of this essay in an actual setting.
I need some assistance with the following question:  
It is better for students to gain real experience than to spend their time in classroom .  
Do you agree or this agree with this statement ?Use reasons and examples to support your position .  
  
my answer  
  
In this day and age , It is a hotly- debated topic that whether life lessons or schools have more impacts on learners .Although, A large number of people believe that it is more advisable for students to go out and practice ,In my point of view, I partly agree with this opinion and the following essay will take a look at both sides of the argument.  
  
On the one side , Real world experience is highly appreciated for its contribution to one's success . Firstly , If we dare to participate in a community service , we can have more opportunities to enhance our strength and fix our weakness .Secondly , Expanding the relationship or promoting communicative skills will not be an effortful problem .For instance , I came across and got on well with numerous participants when I attended a swimming club which gives me more confidence and tactfulness .  
  
Thirdly ,we are likely to be motivated to accumulate and reinforce our knowledge . As long as we put our theory into practice or do ore experiments , our confusion can be solved and it is smoother to learn by heart the lessons.  
  
On the flip side ,It cannot be denied that institutions play an significant role in laying the foundation for citizens to develop . To begin with , Almost every aspect of life requires basic knowledge of which are gained from schools . For example , Mathematics and Biology is essential to become an excellent doctor . In addition , Teachers are reliable and dependable to seek for advice as well as go over the assignment . Finally, Qualifications from universities and colleges may determine our future career .Pupils need qualifying so as to not only have satisfactory jobs and salary but also reach their dream.  
  
In conclusion , Even though social activities provide us with precious experience which is crucial for being successful , knowledge seekers should not ignor ethe vitality of the classroom. Adolescences should both balance their schedule between academic work and voluntary campaign .  
  
end.  
I appreciate for all the feedback on Task response , Coherence and Cohesion , Lexical Resource, Grammatical range and accuracy . Thank you for all of you !  
  
@meomun
hotly- debated topic  
Review the original prompt. There is no debate being presented. There are no 2 sides to the discussion presented either. There is only 1 opinion provided upon which your personal opinion should be based. The restatement is inaccurate as it shows a discussion not part of the original presentation.  
  
I partly agree  
This is not an "extent" essay, the opinion statement is again, incorrect. This is a single opinion, full (dis)agreement opinion presentation.  
  
take a look at both sides of the argument.  
Incorrect yet again. This is a single opinion essay. It is not a comparative essay because of the lack of "compare and contrast" instruction. The discussion / reasoning focus is only on the support for the writer's idea, which is based on a "full" rather than "extent" response to the question.  
  
Overall, the essays fails to address the prompt and question within the expected format and discussion considerations. The essay is not within a passing score consideration.
**Question:**  
***Some believe that people today have no interest in maintaining the traditional culture of their country or region. Others believe that it is still important to people that we preserve a traditional way of life.***  
  
## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

  
  
**My Answer:**  
Traditional cultures are important to us in our lives, they were built by robust human connections many years ago. These customs and traditions are naturally handed down to be preserved. To me, they are symbolic evidence of human society.  
  
Nowadays, with emerging new technology, people see that these traditions are not necessary to be preserved. Regarding the development pace of human society, while the traditional culture is generally too slow, the new technology is significantly too fast. To catch up with the change, people spend more time and energy on improving our society. On the other hand, some traditional customs can simply be completed through the internet in order to save more time. We benefit from these technologies and innovations to make our life better than ever.  
  
However, we cannot forget the root where these traditional cultures come from. We should know that these traditions are originally from us the human beings. These customs are again built by the robust connections of societies. Even with such new social platforms (a.k.a. new technology) like WhatApps and FaceBook, the relationship between person to person cannot bring us together closer than in the past. We learn these cultures from history and create new things based on them too.  
  
Although the new technology has been bringing us a more convenient life, we should not ignore the traditional cultures. Remember that all things come from history, and these customs, traditions, and cultures are the history left to us. I believe preserving them is the only way to create a better life.
The most glaring error in this task presentation is the first paragraph. The simple prompt restatement (2 sentences for 2 opinions) + personal opinion (one sentence) is not represented in the format required. The writer made the mistake of immediately discussing his personal opinion in this paragraph so this preliminary scoring aspect will definitely receive a failing score. This error alone is enough to fail the total essay, regardless of how well developed the next paragraphs are. The writer has shown a lack of understanding of the task requirements and the requirement for the presentation.  
  
The total essay is based on the writer's opinion of the 2 points of view alone. The examiner is looking for the explanation / discussion of the validity of each public opinion based upon proper pronoun usage. So the reasoning paragraphs will be scored, but the overall essay will be considered under develeoped due to the improper discussion development, based on the multiple point of view format. Again, the essay will not receive passing marks based on this presentation.  
  
The concluding summary is non-existent in this essay. Rather than a summarized discussion presentation, the writer continued to discuss reasons in the last paragraph. Which means, the essay does not have a chance of getting a passing score due to improper discussion presentations, missing references, and an inaccurate summary presentation.