dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Kode, I won't be able to properly assess this essay because of the lack of the original prompt requirement. Please remember that all the reviews for the essays are based upon the baseline criteria set by the original prompt. At this point, I only have the topic sentence as a part of the title, but I do not have information about the discussion style and additional information that should be considered in the writing of the essay.  
  
One overall observation that I can make about this essay is the inconsistency in the sentence count per paragraph. You have a tendency to go over the 5 sentence limitation. While it is good for you to write more than the required word minimum, it is important to stay within a controllable limit because of the time constraint. 5 sentences per paragraph is deemed to be the most effective method of writing because it easily allows you a little extra time to revise and edit the essay. You don't have to read too much before you can start editing.  
  
If you want to get the best possible score, you should make sure to avoid long sentences because that limits your ability to show off your English writing skills. By writing short sentences, your paragraphs become more interesting and easier to follow in terms of discussion.  
  
I hope my general review of your essay will be of help to you. I could have offered a more effective review if I had a copy of the original prompt. Maybe you can provide the prompt for your second essay so I can better assess your work for that one. I look forward to reading your upcoming practice essay.
@Holt  
Thank you for your response but I have a difficulty understanding the first paragraph of your feedback:  
  
**"I won't be able to properly assess this essay because of the lack of the original prompt requirement. Please remember that all the reviews for the essays are based upon the baseline criteria set by the original prompt. At this point, I only have the topic sentence as a part of the title, but I do not have information about the discussion style and additional information that should be considered in the writing of the essay."**  
  
**My questions are:  
1. What is the "original prompt requirement"? I'd be really glad if details are explained.  
2. Discussion style? What exactly is it?**
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
  
It is better for children to choose jobs that are similar to their parents' jobs than  
to choose jobs that are very different from their parents' jobs.  
  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
## different experience thus different choices

  
  
When an individual gradually grows up, he/she can't eacape from facing the issue--finding a job. Job choosing will be one of the most important decision in a person's life. Somebody may say that it will be good for people if they choose the job in their parents' fields while others may say that people should fight for a promising life in a totally new field. As far as I am concerned, both of them have unique advantages and neither choice can surpass the other one.  
  
On one hand, people will have a higher start in their parents' fields. If an individual choose the job which assembles their parents', he/she will be immersed in this specifically professional environment at a very young age. It will give them a sense about the path of the job. What's more, they can also get extra resources--like social network or knowledge which are accumulated by their parents. For instane, my parents are college school teachers. So they wish me to find an academic position in the future. When I decide to go into the same field as they do, I start to prepare for that directly. They teach me how to read and write papers and take me to join professional meetings when I was in high school. So when I entered in university, I begin to do research at the very beginning. And I get tutorial from their colleges. It paves the way for me to continue my PhD degree in the future.  
  
On the other hand, choosing a totally new field can make people grow fast. The people who try to do so are like a poineer. They need to face a totally foreign field: without accumulation of ant network; they need to overcome a series of problems and fight for that by their own hands. For example, one of my best friends whose parents are also specialized in academic field. However, she chooses to learn Fine Art in college. It is totally a reversed fields than her parents'. She behaves activitlly in college to social and seek the chance to hold a personal exhibition. In the end, all her hard work has been paid of and she tells me that she feels like growing so much during the college life.  
  
To conclude, either you choose the same job as your parents do or enter a new field, it will both benefit an individual. Two people will have different experience once they have made different choices. We can not say that one of the choice will be less beneficial than the other.
Fan, since you did not accurately respond to the prompt provided, you will get a failing score of 1 with this essay. The specific reason for this score is because you have a questionable responsiveness to the task. Why is it questionable? Let's look at the prompt requirement. You were asked to agree or disagree with the statement provided. In your thesis statement and response, you chose to discuss the advantages of each choice. There is a big difference between the prompt instruction you were given and the discussion statement that you provided. The proper response to this in the opening statement should have been:  
  
*There is a discussion as to whether or not it is better for children opt to be employed in occupations nearly the same as their parents or if they should take on work that is the exact opposite of their parents job. I believe that (state your opinion). I will be defending my opinion in this essay using reasons and examples based upon my personal opinion and public perception.*  
  
After stating your opinion in the opening statement, the rest of your essay should only discuss that opinion and nothing more. The instructions do not require you discuss both opinions in your essay. Only your personal opinion. Since that is not what you did, then you did not accurately respond to the prompt.  
  
It is because of this mistake in your discussion method that you got a failing score with this essay. The TOEFL is more unforgiving of prompt response mistakes. There is only one criteria to base your scoring on, your English comprehension skills. When you prove to not have a proper understanding of the prompt, you will immediately fail the test.
TOEFL does not expect you to be REALLY creative on writing if I'm correct.. So there is a huge risk writing in the neutral position, which means you must agree or disagree. Also, you need to keep your eyes on how logical your essay is and making no grammatical errors. Come back to the writing, I can hardly find major grammatical errors there. Read how others write and make sure to follow the format. You actually write better than I do so huge improvement is waiting for you. I wish you better luck next time.
**Large businesses have big budgets for marketing and promotion and as a result, people gravitate towards buying their products.  
What problems does this cause?  
What could be done to encourage people to buy local products?**  
  
## Local products are being displaced

  
  
Local products have been surpassed by foreign products that have large budgets for advertising and promotion. This clause discuss about how come the citizen prefer to buys some things from other place than buys some things from local, and how to develop local product more familiar previously.  
  
First of all, in fact according to economic theory that whose have many budget and can manage well it, as result attracting many buyers. For example, in Mamasa city there are several company especially gading corp, the company has big budget for advertising and promotion, the impact its familiar and has many buyers than other company. Even tough, if we are trying to compare the quality of their product, there are companies have good product than gading corp, yet residents sometimes only buy product that well-known for them. So, one way to make goods sold more salable, I suggest to make nice advertising and often promotion on other social media.  
  
On the other hand, we shall think how to make local company more develop, because if it develops may increase the income of local residents. Taking example in Bali city, Bali has developed and become one of the most developed cities across the world. Even tough, in the past to be exact in 1945s, Bali build some tourist facilities while Indonesian was struggling for independence. At the moment, why could Bali develop because the authorities conscious that they have to maximizing the wealth of its natural resources. The impact some tourists only know Bali than Indonesian. So that, the government has to support the local company such as give aid, building facilities and others.  
  
To conclude, this essay tell us about how to local company become more famous with less budget and why the big company who has many budget to making advertisement and promotion more exist than local company. Therefore, the writer hopefully the authorities able to help locals.  
  
Please give me score.
@AliminHamzah  
  
This clause discuss about how come the citizen prefer to buys some things from other place than buys some things from local, and how to develop local product more familiar previously.  
  
I suppose this is your thesis statement. Your statement does not answer the question clearly. Task response is very important for ielts.  
  
Maybe try this.  
  
This essay will look at some of the effects big corporations have over local economy and also the measures that could be taken to develop the popularity of local products.
AliminHamzah, it seems to me that you did not post the original prompt at all. That is because there is a clear discrepancy in the topic sentences and prompt requirements. As you can see, the first sentence indicates "large businesses" but then the question for discussion asks about "local products". This is why I suspect that your prompt posting of the original discussion is incorrect. A large business can exist as a local product but a foreign business cannot sell a local product. Do you see the difference between the two descriptive terms? Due to this discrepancy in the original prompt statement, I will not be scoring your essay. I cannot score an essay based upon an inaccurate original prompt statement.  
  
By the way, this is not a clause but an essay. A clause a form of sentence development. An essay is a short piece of writing based on a particular topic. The problematic opening paraphrase alone is enough to gain you a failing score for the essay because of your failure to properly address the TA section of the scoring criteria. Remember, the minute you get the TA failing score, everything else follows. I cannot proceed with analyzing the problems of this essay and offering suggestions for your improvement because I am unclear on what the real prompt for this essay is. Therefore, I will stop here as I think I have made my point clear already. The total format of this essay will not garner it any sort of passing score.
@AliminHamzah  
  
There are some mistakes on grammar and spell.  
And the content lack of logical, it is hard to understand your main idea.  
I take second paragraph as example:  
  
For example, ~~in Mamasa city~~ there are several ~~company~~companies ~~especially~~ ~~gading~~ grow/grew corp in Mamasa, ~~the company has~~they have limited ~~big~~ budget for advertising and promotion~~,~~ while foreign companies promote their products with commercial ads continuously.  ~~the impact its familiar ... Even tough~~though, if we are trying to compare (...) This condition brings/brought severe loss to local company.  So, one way to ...  
  
You didn't focus on what problem(people only buy the products which have well-known advertisement) did it cause.  
Maybe it cause quality change. In order to spend more on advertising , so the companies cost down the expenditure on materials.  
Give more ideas to extend, and make coherence between each paragraph.
Linh, if this is a formal research paper or school, then you will have to present the sources of your information such as the number of users in Vietnam. Without an in-text citation for the source, your information will either be invalid or considered plagiarized, which means that your research paper will not get a very good grade.  
  
Your may want to try and limit your presentation of the meaning of social networking and the reasons people use it. Those are already public knowledge and as such, does not need to be so detailed in this report. You should just go direct to the point in your discussion because the meaning and uses paragraph is a distraction that does not directly relate to the topic you are supposed to be developing in the presentation.  
  
The information you present, is interesting and academic in nature. I am just not sure of the whole point of the discussion. Your thesis statement in the opening paragraph is not very clear. Even though you beleive that social networking is a double edged sword, you do not clearly explain that your essay will be all about the negatives of social media. You should have presented a more "slanted" opening statement that would have ended with the implied discussion to follow.
## Co-ed college or single-sex school

  
  
There have been some debates as to whether the single-sex school and co-ed counterparts. Some argue that it would be better for school to divide mixed both sexes due to more distraction when others believe that the benefits such as interpersonal communication. However, although co-ed school provides the advance face-to-face communication, I believe that single-sex school offers more beneficial with less distraction so student more focuses on their personal achievement in their school.  
  
The biggest issue in the single-sex versus co-ed schools debate is the possibility of distraction in the classroom. Many people say that if the other sex is in the classroom, the overly permissive students can be harmful due to less attention to the teacher. According to US Department of Education, from 40 quantitative studies compared between single-sex school and co-ed school that single-sex school outcomes related to academic achievement and more positive academic aspirations. I believe that the main benefits of single-sex schooling are decreasing distractions to learning, and improving student achievement.  
  
The perspectives of the other sex are lost in discussion in the single-sex classroom. The ability to communicate with the other sex may not develop as quickly and it is essential for the professional world. For example, one study reported that dividing boys and girls into separate classrooms actually delaying the development of interpersonal communication. On my opinion, to identify it needs more professional development for teachers on meeting the distinct needs of boys and girls in co-ed sex public schools.  
  
In conclusion, while co-ed college provides the advance face-to-face communication, I slightly agree with that single-sex school gives extra useful with less distraction so student more awareness on their personal achievement.  
  
needs advise for my ielts writting task 2
Hi Furqan,  
  
Firstly, I think you should write the question fully so that readers could classify exactly the type of the essay.  
  
Secondly, Some sentences seem to be incomplete  
  
There have been some debates as to whether the single-sex school and co-ed counterparts + Verb  
  
when (while/whereas) others believe that the benefits such as interpersonal communication + verb  
  
offers more beneficial => offers more benefits  
  
so student more focuses on ... => so that students are more likely to focus on their personal achievements.
Furqan, the first thing you have to understand is that unlike a TOEFL essay, the IELTS essay does not allow you to immediately discuss the facts of the topic for discussion due to its specific writing and scoring format. Each paragraph has a specific purpose and along with that purpose, is a specific scoring consideration. You failed to properly address the requirements per paragraph so that will have a direct effect on your Task Accuracy score.  
  
The first paragraph is always used as the assessment portion of the test. How well did you understand the provided topic? Are you clear about the instructions as to how to present the discussion? Do you have an actual thesis statement with which to kick off your essay? These are the questions that the examiner will be responding to as he reviews your first paragraph. That is why the opening paragraph is also known as the opening "paraphrase". It must only reflect your understanding of the given points in relation to your potential discussion in the next paragraphs. Now, because you did not provide the original prompt in your posting, I will not be able to show you how to fix the mess that you created in your opening statement. It is so far removed from the TA requirements that your score will not be as high as you expect for that section. Mostly because you launched into an immediate discussion of facts rather than a proper thesis statement presentation in the paragraph.  
  
Please remember that the personal opinions are presented as stand alone paragraphs in all these essays. The personal opinion must be threshed out completely and clearly for the reader. So when you write a single sentence opinion as part of an already existing paragraph discussion on a different topic, you will lose points in the C&C section.  
  
You cannot use information from outside sources in the IELTS test because you do not have the sources for it in the testing center. Since you do not know what question you will be receiving in the test, you cannot preemptively research the information for the test. Therefore, the test taker scores better in the practice tests by simply using his personal experience, knowledge, and observation regarding the matter as the basis for his opinion statements.  
  
By writing a run - on sentence for the conclusion, you will score lower in the C&C plus GRA section. The mark down will be because you presented a single sentence for your presentation when the requirement for each paragraph is that a completely developed thought and explanation process is presented within the minimum 3-maximum 5 sentence presentation.
topic: **Nowadays many young people in work force change their jobs or careers every few years. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do the advantages outweigh disadvantages?**  
  
## the frequency of changing jobs

  
  
What a common phenomenon is that young generations would like to change their job every few years be under great risk for their careers, as a result, the frequency of job hopping.  
  
There are two significant matters to explain why the youth prefers enduring some uncertain loss with vocations in a particular period of time when seeking recruitment opportunities, social security system as well as personal attitude with regard to between life and work. First of all, government, comparing with the past, allocates more manpower and resource to construct public service, especially unemployment benefits to aim for helping a certain group who lose their income's resource and cannot support their families. As a result of the implement of such laws and regulations, the young applicants can be able to seek an expected occupation in a longer time rather than having a high levels of job security. What is more, someone born in the new age would like to attempt a special jobs' position or cooperate with new colleagues to acquire the most fundamental skills and abundant practical experience to address some situation they facing promptly though changing jobs.  
  
However, some drawbacks found in such method tend to be a threat for building a sustainable society. What the problem of the frequently hopping is that the loss of specialist for which seekers are not able to obtain professional knowledge of certain research fields. Moreover, they might develop mental problems and physical diseases if they fail to be recruited with their expected international companies or organizatio
Yao, your opening paraphrase does not make any sense. It is so confusing to read that I found myself wondering what I was reading about and then realizing that you had no idea what you were writing about either. Based upon the pointless opening paraphrase, you can bet that you have already failed the test. Once you do not clearly restate the prompt requirements in the first paragraph, you lose at least half of the official score. As such, most examiners say that once you fail the TA portion, which is scored in the first paragraph, then you already failed the entire Task 2 essay exam. Here is the correct paraphrase for your reference:  
  
*Young adults tend to change jobs frequently these days. Some of them change careers every five years. I believe that there are a number of reasons for this and I will be presenting those reasons in this essay. After I present the reasons, I will the discuss whether I believe the advantages of constantly changing careers is greater than its disadvantages.*  
  
You also have extremely long sentences per paragraph, which means that you are not capable of writing short but meaningful English sentences. Try to practice writing your thoughts within the required 5 sentence maximum per essay so that you can stand a better chance of eventually getting a fair score in the C&C and GRA portion of the scoring requirements.  
  
Your work also lacks a proper concluding paragraph that would properly represent a summarized discussion of the given prompt. Basically, this is a very bad first attempt at writing the task 2 essay. I hope that my comments can help you improve your second essay by having you focus on the problem points from this one in order to allow you to improve in the next essay.
Ben, this is a very good rough draft. It is so imaginative that I actually felt the pain you were describing during the accident. You don't have a problem when it comes to writing the narrative. In fact, the problem with the narrative could be that it is too detailed and involved. You leave very little to the imagination and the reader doesn't really need to contemplate what you are going through at the time. You already hit the reader in the face with it. As a college application essay, this might run a bit too long so be prepared to use only bits and pieces of this essay, sewn together in a new manner depending upon the prompt that you are responding to.  
  
Content wise, you have a problem with your paragraph presentations. Try to narrow down the paragraphs and make them more complete in telling within a few sentences. There is a tendency for you to not edit yourself so you keep rattling on in a paragraph when you should have started a new one already. In the second paragraph, there really wasn't any need to indicate how the camp operates. That did not help push your story forward. However, if you opened with the date of the accident itself, then the reader would be deeper drawn into the narrative.  
  
At the end, try to give the reader a status update on your foot since that is the focal point of the story. By the way, you went to the doctor to get your wounds treated and then you went to physical therapy for exercise and foot training. You don't go to physical therapy to get your wounds attended to. Physical therapists aren't allowed to clean the wounds. They don't deal with the wounds at all. Only nurses and doctors do that.  
  
So far, I don't suggest editing the grammar until you have reached the final copy of your essay. It isn't advisable to alter the grammar at this point because you will still be making changes to your content. Save the grammar for the last part. That is where it will make the most impact upon your essay presentation.