Hi, I don't think your essay addressed the prompt very well. The first part of the question is why do some people who fail in school end up doing so well? The classic example is Bill Gates, who dropped out of college, but became very successful. You seemed to focus on the employers instead of the success stories. Nobody even hired Bill Gates, so employers are not necessarily relevant. The second part wants you to discuss what is the most important characteristic a person needs to succeed in life. Instead you wrote about how someone should define success. Maybe you could mention that very briefly to define the terms you are using, but I think you misread the prompt since you did not discuss the actual factor or characteristic that most determine success. Here are some specific usage suggestions:  
  
In our academic stage {"academic stage" sounds a bit odd - maybe "academic years" or "academic career"}  
  
the academic [results were] so important  
  
affects the salary scale ~~what~~ we have  
  
when we follow the pace of our growth and {"follow the pace of our growth" sounds vague - what exactly do you mean?}  
  
asked by our young. {"young" as a noun is really only used to refer to young animals}  
  
In this essay, I would like to make some analysis to explain the reason what is going on. {I think this thesis statement is pretty weak. A thesis statement should be able to stand on its own and give a succinct summary of your entire argument, but this does neither}  
  
First of all, academic [results] and  
  
and workers depend [on various aspects of] their workplace,  
  
discipline and [so] on.  
  
reflects how hard [working] and smart the candidates  
  
tell what attitude and harmony they [have].  
  
Furthermore, the graduates [who] came from t  
  
need to be further [trained and supported].  
  
The ~~employed~~ company [that hired them is] required to spend  
  
even if the [new employee was a] 1st class honor student  
  
be a portion to weigh the availability of the employees. {"availability" is not the right word here - I'm not exactly sure what you mean}  
  
To discuss the [factors] {try to avoid using "things" in a formal essay. It sounds vague and usually means you could not come up with a better word} influencing success  
  
define success [as] how rich you are  
  
I would like to introduce which should be reinforced on the foundation of basic economy and money. {this is confusing to me- maybe you mean {which additional aspects should build on the foundation ..."}  
  
take care [of] your family [members] as well as yourself.  
  
lifestyle and career [your only] desire?  
  
If we can gain [satisfaction] in terms of achievement  
  
If we can comply what we thought and action, {this clause is incorrect and confusing}  
  
feeling free to [play] some sports  
  
may be another [key] success in our life.  
  
To be honest, ... step by step to complete each one. {this sentence was confusing - are you saying for some people, they feel like they have to generate a list and check of the boxes? Or is this true for everybody, but the checklist will be different for each person?}  
  
In conclusion, [people's failure] in school  
  
The most important thing [is] to succeed  
  
goals and satisfaction [are] in life.