dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Mai, while you wrote over the minimum required words, your essay shows a lack of analysis and proper summary overview because you do not present the required 4 paragraph format. The reason that you are lacking one paragraph is, aside from the improper summary overview, the presentation lacks the comparison points discussion as required by the prompt requirement.  
  
You are being asked to make comparisons where relevant and, from the way I read your essay, you did not compare the overlapping points that are very obvious in the essay. The comparison points for discussion lie within the graph where the age ranges of 65-74 and 45-64 are just touching one another on the line and also intersecting at the 35 and 34 % markings within the chart. This lack of comparison discussion is going to cost you in terms of task analysis as your essay will be perceived to only be partially informative and missing important discussion points as indicated in the prompt requirement.  
  
Your summary overview lacks a summary indication of the age ranges and the measurement type being used in the prompt. These are all important to present at the information helps the writer, that's you, to create a usable outline for the upcoming 3 paragraph discussion part. One positive point in your presentation though, your trending statement is well represented and considers the graph information accurately.  
  
When you mention a rapid decrease and increase, don't forget to refer to the percentage measurement. Accuracy is the name of the Task 1 essay so, you have to explain what percentages these events happened at in order to clearly explain to the reader how and why it happened. When you say age groups doubled, mention the age ranges, again, the reader doesn't have access to this chart, so be as specific as you can in order to gain a higher TA scoring consideration.
Nguyen, your essay will fail due to several formatting problems. The first is that you have a redundant opening statement paraphrase, neither of which has a direct response to the agree/disagree question. You need to respond to the question with the provided choice answer to make sure that you score accurately on the TA part. The second paragraph is just a repeat of the first one, hence you created a 6 paragraph essay when the requirement is a 5 paragraph essay.  
  
You over discuss your paragraphs as well. Each paragraph must have only 1 subject topic per paragraph with the explanations and supporting evidence counting no more than 5 sentences, but no less than 3 sentences per paragraph. Even with your paragraphs being of the run on and extremely long explanation type, your paragraphs are still under developed, little explained, and hard to keep track of. When this happens 2 scoring sections are affected, the C&C and GRA scores receive deductions.  
  
Let us just pretend that this mess of an essay does not exist. You have a chance to properly develop a good essay using a different topic for your next practice test. Before you do that though, you may want to consider reading the numerous Task 2 writing samples at this forum in order to get a better idea as to how to approach the writing tasks. That way you learn about the mistakes of others and why you should not be making the same mistakes in your presentation. It is a fast and efficient way to learn.
**Solving environmental problems should be the responsibility of an international organization rather than each national government. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
In recent decades, environmental problems, such as global warming and natural resource depletion, have been receiving a great deal of media attention due to their substantial impacts on human life. As a result, many environmentalists believe that multinational organizations are better than national governments in addressing these problems. I completely agree with this point of view.  
  
On the one hand, many local governments have no interest in solving the problems for a variety of reasons. First, it is true that most of these governments do not realize the necessity of environment protection. Therefore, if the responsibilities are handed over to them, they will end up doing nothing, which is detrimental to both the local and global environment. Second, since the costs, either financial or non-financial, of dealing with environmental problems is extremely high, most countries are not willing to trade their resources for small returns. For example, many nations, especially developing ones, do not invest money in reducing carbon footprint even though they are affected by climate change.  
  
On the other hand, it is more reasonable that global institutions should in charge of global issues like environmental ones. First of all, by enacting international laws, these institutions ensure that each national governments have to take actions to protect the environment. For example, if there are strict global laws on carbon emissions, the number of countries contribute to global warming will decrease significantly. As well as this, many places on Earth, such as the North Pole and the South Pole, are affected by global warming but do not entirely belong to a single nation. Therefore, if there are no multinational organizations take responsibility for this problem, these places will be damaged significantly.  
  
In conclusion, global institutions should hold accountable for environmental problems instead of local governments. However, each country should support these institutions to combat the issues.
## Some people get into debt by buying things they do not need and cannot afford.

  
***What are the reason for this? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?***  
  
Many stories of extravagant life are just urban legends, but many others are true. Purchasing unnecessary-pricey goods could get people into debts. Although the reason why such situation can happen is because of the social status of certain people, government can make some rules to prevent the citizens from buying fancy things.  
  
Social status is the main reason cause for people to buy extravagant goods. Such status might force some people to be friends with their mutuals, and following the trends is inevitable. For example, the bourgeoisie in Jakarta could make 100 fancy bags produced by Victoria Beckham sold out in just one day, and this also happen with other elegant goods. This way, they might be in a prosperous life.  
  
Government could play a pivotal role in controlling people's consumption on fancy goods. They can impose higher taxes for extravagant items like bags and private transportation. For example, Singapore government makes owning a vehicle is extremely expensive through high taxes in about 100% for a car. Thus, the nouveau will consider properly if they want to buy luxury items.  
  
To conclude, the rich would likely buy high-priced goods because of their social status which demand them to be wealthy. However, rules can be made to control this behavior. If these rules can be implemented properly, people will ruminate to buy extravagant items which are good for their lifestyle.
## meaningful activity for children

  
  
*Some people think that children who spend a lot of time reading children's story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities. To what extent do you agree?*  
  
Some believe that provided many activities are far more productive than reading children stories, youngsters should not be spending too much times on reading them. In this essay, I completely disagree with the statement. I will elaborate as follow.  
  
Through reading story books, children have winder topics to discuss with their classmates. Since story books usually plot with various elements in composition either fictional or non-fictional, these elements include the background settings and characters. Children will have various topics to share in their class.  
  
Furthermore, storybooks increase children's lexical understanding. Although many story tales come with pictures, words are crucial in knowing the story thoroughly. Therefore, children must spend a significant amount of times to look up on a dictionary whenever they encounter the unknown words. This finding process allows children to enhance their word understanding of the language. It guarantees that children are less likely to be intimidated by the higher level of language study later on.  
  
Children stories also help children to be better in art classes. Many children books have a wider range of descriptive words to their surroundings, children can associate with the story by observation in their life. It broadens the creative thinking of children. So when they have to generate ideas in doing art, they can come up with fresh innovative thoughts.  
  
To recapitulate, some advocate that children should not be spending their precious times on reading story tales provided that many other activities are available. However, storylines and within details are useful to children in socialising with their peers. These books can also improve children in language and art.  
  
*It would be great if you can score my essay. Any suggestions is appreciated. Thank you.*
## methods in 1945 and now

  
  
The similarity between the method in 1945 and now is a classroom where teachers are standing on the podium, while students sit down and listen, following the teacher. Traditional education is defined as teacher-centered delivery of instruction to classes of students who are the receivers of information. This is a traditional learning method so there are disadvantages such as passive students, teachers cannot care for each student.  
  
Besides, students can not find strengths, weaknesses in themselves.  
  
In addition to, the more developed the society, the more developed the education. So there are many differences between previous and present education :  
  
August 1945, the end of War Word II. The Janpanese and the French were defeated by Viet Minh. Since then, Ho Chi Minh declared Vietnam's independence. The goals of the historical period were: ''Fighting huger, poverty and illiterate'' as three key important tasks of then Vietnamese Government and people so curricula were simplified to focus on productive requirement of wartime. For the entire country, there will be literacy classes established for farmers and workers to attend at night. That is training skills : reading, writing,... Teachers don't need any degree because they taught the simple things while the students were of all ages, gender. January 1946, lauched a campaign against illiteracy. Within less than a year, 75 thousand literacy classes with nearly 96 thousand teachers to help 2.5 million people get out of illiteracy.  
  
Now, education in Vietnam is a state-run system of public and private education run by the Ministry of Education and Training. It is divided into five levels: preschool, primary school, secondary school, high school, and higher education. Unlike in 1945, Vietnamese education has improved from curriculum, methodology, facilities,... At present, there are many teaching programs meeting European standards. The classrooms are spacious, fully equipped with: air conditioner, projector, TV. Teachers outside of the lecture will have students discuss and do group work, although this is less effective because of a large number of students. The program is also more difficult than in many subjects such as math, physics, chemistry,...  
  
Most professions can point to dramatic changes in the way they work, thanks to technological innovations, but teaching still looks and feels an awful like says Williams. "It is starting to change, but it has been incredibly slow." The change to become better is very important. So it will be interesting to see how these changes continue into the future as our society and culture grows and develops.
Phuong, your essay is very confusing to read. It feels like you are just picking up the discussion points from any point in the history of Vietnam and its educational development. The essay you have does not have a clear beginning, middle, and conclusion to the presentation. You need to fix this by developing a more coherent presentation of the history of Vietnamese education. I suggest the following outline for this discussion:  
  
1. History of Vietnamese education before colonization  
2. Vietnamese education under colonial rule  
3. The new educational platform of Vietnam (post colonialization)  
4. Modern Vietnamese education  
  
Within each section for discussion, you can do a comparison of previous educational models with the model that replaced it and then look at why the next version was a more efficient educational system than the previous one. That way, when you reach the modern educational method, you will have clearly explained not only the evolution of education, but why Vietnamese education is finally a class unto itself as an admirable educational foundation for today's Vietnamese youth.
## Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important?

  
  
**There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? Use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.**  
  
Today's world is flooded with numerous types of music. We need music because it helps us to relax, to express our emotions, to feel better after all. Furthermore, music literally may unify people, acting as a common language. One may assume that traditional music is more important than international music which is much more popular these days. However, in my opinion traditional music is as important as international, because while traditional music helps people with keeping their cultural identity international music is something that people may choose according to their personal preferences.  
  
First of all, there are people who can do well without music in their life but they are in a minority. For the majority of people each part of their entity is saturated with music. They may have neither an ear for music, nor even ability to distinguish any musical instrument while listening to their favourite musical band; nonetheless, this fact has nothing to do with their ability to appreciate music. Music, like magic, may help people of different ages and cultures act as if they were best friends. This can be seen at some musical events such as rock concerts where people hold each other's hands and jump for joy.  
  
There are still some people who think that traditional music is more important than international. They fear that traditional music may vanish soon or better to say, may be dissolved in the bottomless ocean of international music. However, like other attributes of cultural identity, traditional music will always be protected by minorities. For example, some popular string instruments, such as setar in Iran and balalaika in Russia, in spite of being unpopular nowadays, are being mastered by number of musicians in these countries. In most cases, people who play traditional instruments are not locked-up within their own culture respecting a wide-range of music genres.  
  
To summarize, music is extremely important to almost all people around the globe. It affects people's mood and can unify young and old, poor and rich, bright and dull. Music also cannot be prioritized by its importance. Although some individuals may prefer traditional music over international, each genre has its own purpose; therefore any attempt to prioritize one over another would be incorrect.
Hi Danila, I can see the potential in your essay in terms of sentence structure and vocabulary, however, you are off the topic in my opinion. You misunderstood the prompt so you developed an opinionated essay rather than a direct question one. Take a look at this break-down below.  
  
There are many different types of music ... <- statement.  
Why do we need music? <- question one.  
Is the traditional music of a country more ... <- question two.  
Use your own ideas, knowledge and ... <- Instruction.  
  
The instruction is applied to where you explain you reasons rather than the type of essay. Your mistake is you answered two of the questions right away without supporting paragraphs to back them up. The second paragraph was used to explain your argument became pointless at this point as your thesis statement was all about ones' cultural identity and personal preference instead of why do they need music.  
  
To understand this, let's look at your topic sentence if that matches to the questions.  
Q: Why do we need music?  
A: there are people who can do well ...  
  
While you delivered the right topic sentence in the third paragraph, the paragraph itself contained more than one idea which confused the reader by the end of its paragraph.  
  
Topic sentence: .... some people who think that traditional music is more important...  
Second sentence: They fear that traditional music may vanish.....  
Last sentence:....people who play traditional instruments are not locked-up.....  
  
It is always better to have no more than two ideas in a paragraph so that you can present a more clear reasoning to the examiner.  
  
Hope that helps.
Daniella, although you were given a detailed review of your work above, the person who gave you the advice is not a contributor but also a student herself. Which is why the analysis done, though thorough, is not the correct review of your work. Let me offer you an alternative review of your work.  
  
Your essay fails to address the task provided in several ways. The first way that you failed to address the task is because you did not properly summarize the original prompt. While you did give a direct response to the question, you failed to properly inform the reader about the task requirement. As such, it should have been done in the following manner:  
  
*The world is represented by several types of international music genres. People require music in their lives for several purposes such as relaxation and self - expression. The problem is that people tend to prioritize international music rather than the traditional music of their country these days. Based on my personal knowledge and experiences, I believe that traditional music should be given more attention in individual countries for a number of reasons.*  
  
Now, this is where the additional task accuracy mistake happened in your essay. You are being asked to focus the discussion on traditional music of a country. In this case, the country in question is none other than your country of Russia. There was no need to mention Iran and the Setar because this is a personal opinion essay whose supporting evidence is based upon your personal experience and knowledge of the issue. As such, the mention of Iran and the Setar is ill placed because you are not from Iran and therefore, do not have any actual reference points to help support that claim.  
  
This is not a public opinion discussion essay. The essay clearly states: *" **Use your own** ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence."* Therefore, the public discussion is not required for this essay. Your personal opinion, knowledge, and experiences are what the reviewer is looking to read about as the question pertains to popular culture in your country of origin. The ideas should be based on your own thinking, not the public line of thinking. The knowledge should be based on your understanding of the question, the experience, should be your own in reference to the question. The keyword that tells you a public discussion cannot be used comes from the following phrase: **Use your own**...  
  
It is because you did not follow the proper discussion instructions that this essay will not be able to receive a passing score in an actual setting.
## sport athletes are often poor role models

  
  
The specific issue of whether the admiration of millions of youngsters towards sport athletes who are often poor role models is a negative trend or not. Views on this issue vary from person to person. I am a firm supporter of the perspective that this trend has a detrimental effect on young generation and society.  
  
First and foremost, sport star - oriented a bad example has the power to adversely affect the thinking capability as well as ability of the youth and instill negative or destructive behavior and thinking patterns. Paradoxically, youngsters tend to look up to all the actions of the stars regardless of whether these actions are beneficial or not. Anecdotal evidence has shown that Batolle is a scocer , who gains attention and fame through scandals as well as PR stunts . This made many young people imitate that causes a dangerous wave for the awareness and development.  
  
What is more, idolizing sportsmen who are wrong ideal has a ability to increase the juvenline deliquence . Obviously, tons of sports stars are investigated about the use of dope such as cocaine , drug and hashish,thereby leading to youngsters' curiosity to try. Neddless to say, young generation are likely to become offenders by dint of these dope , which is banned useage.  
  
Finally yet importantly, unknowingly or knowingly, although setting a bad example , sports stars might be still a role model for their career. Take Ronadol,a word-class footballer, as a typical example, he stands out like a excellent scocer by virtue of diligence and determination for each of matches. Fans have a potential to learn a lot from good persionalites and characterics .  
  
From what has discussed above, one can reach a conclusion that it is hard for both sides to come to an agreement for this win-win situation ,I still strongly hold onto the view that the proclivity of admiring and adoring these stars may pose a wide range of adverse effects on young generation .
I believe you are correct in that certain sports stars are not good role models - they obviously committed certain actions that go against good human character traits or perhaps made major mistakes that ruined their careers and reputation. You are also correct in that other sports stars are good role models; soccer players are excellent archetypes of the results of hard work and living by good life lessons.  
  
In my opinion, however, looking at the big picture, athletes are excellent role models for young children everywhere whether they play sports or not. Although certain athletes are arguably better off forgotten - those who committed crimes, were caught cheating or doping, etc. - they can actually be used to teach young children what NOT to do. People learn from other people's mistakes - that's one reason why we study history. On the other hand, the other good athletes can serve as sources of inspiration for young children. Even if these athletes make mistakes that might cost them a win or get them in minor trouble, they are only humans and they will inevitably make mistakes. Kids can still learn from these mistakes. Overall, though, the fact that the vast majority of these athletes have reached the pro level through their work can still positively influence children