dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## art-based subjects and academic performance

  
  
Topic: Some educationalists argue that non-exam, art-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
Please give me some feedback. Thank you so much!!!  
  
According to some education experts, art disciplines such as drawing, music or drama should be taught in secondary school. While this suggestion may be disadvantageous in several situations, these courses, in my opinion, can offer students a comprehensive development.  
  
It is true that non-exam arts-based subjects have negative effects for certain reasons. Secondary pupils, especial those in the last grade, usually have to deal with heavy schedule of academic lessons so they do not have enough time for other art courses. For example, in Vietnam, ninth-grade students not only take two semester exams but also another competitive entry one to be entitled to their dream high school. It is also that there might be some individuals who always underestimate the value of arts and tend to keep them on the periphery, which can make these courses more low-quality.  
  
Despite the mentioned above demerits, it is inevitable that art disciplines teach learners how to work as a team. A student who participates in a drama or a play has to co-operate with other members to build up a successful performance. This can improve their ability to handle different types of situations and conflicts among teammates, one of the essential skills for their future prospects.  
  
Additionally, music, painting or handcraft can enhance students' creativity and imagination. Those are crucial for boosting an overall development as Albert Einstein used to say: "Imagination is more important than knowledge". Academic subjects may offer students a wide range of universal knowledge but arts, from my perspective, can stimulate pupils to discover themselves and new approaches to tackle a problem, and also help them relieve stress after solving difficult Math or Chemistry assignments.  
  
In conclusion, while art-based subjects have some drawbacks, I believe that secondary students should be obliged to take part in these courses to enhance their soft skills and other aspects.
@thaihung123  
I have some comments as follow:  
Firstly, I recommended that you state more clearly and straightforwardly whether you agree or disagree with the statement in your introduction. I understood that you imply that you agree but it wasn't clear in your essay.  
  
Secondly, as you agree with the statement, I think you should state only your reason supporting that art subjects should be compulsory at school and develop your idea. It is not necessary to state its disadvantages.  
  
Thirdly, I think you should be more careful with vocabulary. For example, you used the word 'inevitable' ,it means 'unavoidable' and I can't get what you meant by that. Some of your sentences have grammatical mistake such as this one: '~~It is also that~~  there might be some ... courses more ~~low-quality~~ ineffective.'  
  
I hope these comments help you
You have not given a direct response to the question provided in the original prompt. In fact, your response has created a prompt deviation that has changed the slant of the discussion instruction and as such, will cause a major points deduction for your task accuracy. The points deductions will be such that you will not be able to pass the test due to the change in discussion presentation.  
  
Question: .To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Response: While this suggestion may be disadvantageous in several situations, these courses, in my opinion, can offer students a comprehensive development.  
  
You have changed the discussion requirement from a single opinion defense essay to a comparative / advantage v disadvantage discussion. That runs counter to the discussion instruction. That will be the main reason why your essay will not be able to pass the test.  
  
As your essay is judged mainly on the clarity of your opinion presentation and defense discussions, your presentation will be seen as not truly portraying a clear point of view. It will also not be seen as having a properly developed reasoning set of paragraphs. Due to the error in your discussion presentation, your work cannot achieve a passing score. You have failed in the major scoring elements, which, when added to the other errors in your presentation, will simply not allow you to achieve anything close to a 5 band score.
Please help me with this essay. Thank you so much.  
  
**Topic:**  
***The subject and lesson content of what children are taught in schools is oftern decided by central authorities, such as federal government. Some people believe that teachers should be responsible for this task.**  
  
## To what extent do you afree or disagree?*  
  
Here is my essay:  
  
Some people think that teachers should be the ones who decide what to teach to children in schools instead of central government, who has done this for years. I, personally, completely disagree with this point of view.  
  
There are two reasons why the authorities should continue to take the responsibility. In terms of subject designers, they receive sufficient training to be eligible for the task regarding thinking of contents for the whole course and putting them in a logical sequence. There are specialised groups of people who possess adequate knowledge, skills as well as experience to be primarily in charge of the design. Towards students, they are likely to receive the same schooling as their counterparts. Children of certain ages will learn the similar amount of contents as teachers are required to adhere to particular materials.  
  
Being responsible for a great number of tasks makes teachers unable to stay focused on their primary duty, which is to transmit knowledge to students. All may seem well at the very beginning; however, teachers cannot ignore the feeling of frustration and pressure in the long run. They have to design the material, build lesson plans and think of activities at the same time, which in turn brings them such exhaustion that prevents them from conducting effective classes.  
  
In conclusion, every position has its own responsibility. Teachers should give priority to teaching rather than disturbing themselves with other things.
The essay cannot receive a passing score because you wrote under the word count. The minimum acceptable number of words are 250 words. You are expected to write no more than 290 words. An essay of 235 words will end up with a large word count deduction in terms of scoring percentages that it will affect your ability to get a passing score.  
  
An additional problem that will result in the failure of your essay is how you misunderstood the prompt. Central authorities in the prompt does not refer to the government. Rather, it refers to the departments and government agencies that oversee the educational system of a country. Central authorities could be the Department of Education, Commission on Higher Education, and other educational entities in various countries. This shows a lack of vocabulary skills on your part as you did not understand the meaning of central authorities as implied in the original discussion presentation.  
  
The opening paragraph and concluding paragraphs should be composed of 2 versions of the prompt restatement, reasoning discussions, and your opinion. These paragraphs must be represented within 3-5 sentences. Failure to comply with the sentence requirement often results, as in your case, with a less than minimum word count. The lack of proper task accomplishment in these sections, along with an improper or under developed reasoning discussion, will also result in heavy penalties in relation to your final score. This is not a passing essay presentation.
1. You have not stated the clear statement in the introduction paragraph. It might be better if you mention 2 briefly reason why you dissagree this notion. It will help you to develop the following body paragraph.  
  
2. The body paragraph should comprises ther Topic sentence as the main idea, the reason behind the issue you take, possible example (contain 5W+1H question) and the implication (future prediction)  
  
3. The conclusion, pharaphrasing from the introduction is primary needed, while you should giving your own opinion as to avoid the repetition.
**## More and more pollution and wastage produced.

  
*How common people are affected by pollution?  
What an individual can do to prevent it?***  
  
In recent years, air pollution and wastage has risen dramatically, which has caused number of deterimental affects on common population. This essay will discuss some of those causes and measures that can be taken by individuals to deter their effects.  
  
One of the most significant issues pertaining to degrading quality of air is respiratory diseases. As an example, pollution in the city NewDelhi is so high that breathing there for 3 hours equals to smoking a cigarette as per the recent WHO survey. This is a pressing problem for common people because most of labour and essential workers spend most of their time during the day outside to fullfil their jobs. Therefore, they are exposed to pollution during the large portion of the day, disturbingly, which can decrease their life-span. Not only this, pollution has resulted in rising temperatures which has resulted in global warming around the world, which again brings more stress and difficulties on pockets of people as they will now have to spend more electricity to survive the hot day.  
  
Nevertheless, a number of measures can be implemented to control the increasing pollution, best of which is increasing the dependency on renewable resources for electricity rather than resources such as coal. In the recent survey, national pollution agency stated that in number of cities across india, 20% of the pollution is being caused due to the thermal power plants. Furthermore, mandating the use of high-efficiency vehicles and electric cars can create a significant reduction of pollution created by transport.  
  
To recapitulate, two main issues due to increased pollution that has been directly affecting common lives are respiratory problem and rising temperatures. However, such problem can be prevented by switching to non-conventional resources and electronic vehicles which will eventually control the falling air-quality.
When you are given direct questions to respond to in the original prompt, that means the essay is asking you to outline your discussion points in the prompt restatement. That means, in the first paragraph you should provide:  
  
- Sentence 1: An accurate restatement of the topic for discussion  
- Sentence 2: The direct response to the first question (topic outline)  
- Sentence 3: Direct response to the 2nd question (Topic 2 outline)  
  
As such, the essay is to be composed of 2 reasoning paragraphs that clearly represent one discussion topic per paragraph. Both of the reasoning paragraphs you have presented include a second reason at the end which is not fully explained. Such insertions will affect the clarity of your discussion and portray the paragraph as being under developed or lacking in explanation and supporting points. Never present a hanging 2nd discussion topic. Stick to one discussion topic per paragraph unless otherwise stated by the original prompt. This prompt requires only 1 effect and 1 solution discussion in relation to the effect presented.  
  
Try to develop a 3 sentence conclusion next time. It should be a proper summary of the original topic, your presented effect and solution, and a closing sentence that could add to the strength of your suggested solution.  
  
As of now, the grammar is a problem in your essay, but the bigger problem is the discussion presentation. That is why I focused on it in this review. If you no longer have a discussion format problem in your next essay, I can address other issues in your presentation already.
Firstly, You should make clear about what kind of detrimental effect on population and the individual prevention. Straight to the point to the topic you will discuss. If you want to explain about respiratory disease please stated this topic clearly in the begining, and give the feasible solution that answering the causes.  
  
For example :  
Problem : Air pollution and wastage product increase  
Implication : respiratory disease  
Cause : More and more factory's end product have been released to the air  
Solution (Individual) : using facemask in daily life  
Secondly, there is irrelevant discussed topic in the first body paragraph. It might be better to remove global warming topic, financial, and electricity. try to stick into your discussion that you stated in the begining.
## TV program for children

  
  
Television becomes preferable enlightentment media for childhood, while some people argue that youngsters choose television for amusement. In my opinion, I believe that TV offered valuable educational feature for the childen that increase understanding and entertain the youngster as to releasing stress.  
  
Choosing TV as educational media for children could be the realistic reason since it has attractive feature. Screen-based learning including educational TV channel makes simplicity to combine several kind of learning media in one complete package. As the children have different learning method, these creative stuffs can encourage them to have depth understanding according to their ability. Taking example, TVRI in Indonesia offers special channel to support everyday distance-learning which deliver the study material using any kind of sophisticated media without reducing teacher explanation in the begining.  
  
A teenager group prefer such entertaining program which can bring happiness in their daily life. After long-day working, they likely choose informal shows rather than formal ones which can help purifying their mind and body from complicated job by doing some refreshing activities like watching television. Based on data from informatic and technology ministry of Republic Indonesia, shop opera and games lead the race for amusing people age 15-40 years old, while people whose age is over 40 tend to watch informative program.  
  
In my point of view, wide range of TV channel variey give a freedom for the audience to actively choose their favourite. Adults is suggested to be more selective in particular age-restricted content when they nurture their children. This will be wise, if adult set the educational section during daytime and shift in to entertainment content during nightime.  
  
To sum up, educational section in TV program can brings advantages for children as it helps education process and it can be enjoyable for the youngster's routine. Furthermore, TV can provides benefit if the people select the program wisely.  
  
(309 WORDS)
There are several IELTS topics in relation to TV watching and children. You should have uploaded the complete prompt along with your response so that I could have gotten a clear idea as to what the 2 public reasoning points of view were presented in support of and in opposition of the given topic. Your discussion paragraphs do not seem to be presenting a clear and balanced discussion of the given topic. The format for this discussion is always based on an explanation of the 2 public reasons, with your opinion given either as a stand alone paragraph, or as a part of the original reasoning discussion, towards the end of the paragraph. You did not complete either format in this essay. As I am unsure about whether you presented the correct discussion topics or not in this essay, I will not be able to do a comprehensive review of your essay.  
  
By the way, you should write no more than 290 words for this essay. You should be concentrating on making sure that you are discussing the correct topics in the reasoning paragraphs, which I do not think you did in this essay, and, you should be sure that you avoided as many grammatical errors as you could have prior to submitting the essay. That means, you can write a short essay, have time to spare for the review and finalization, and ensure that you will get the highest possible marks for your work.  
  
What I did notice, is that you stop short of completely explaining your reasons. After you present a supporting example, you should continue to explain how that example supports the previous opinions or, how it disproves the preceding discussion. The paragraphs are under developed and do not really come together because of the lack of strengthening explanations on your part. Next time, focus on delivering fully developed explanations and ideas, not the word count. The word count will automatically extend as you expand your discussion. So you don't need to focus on solely expanding your essay. The proper discussion development (grammar and vocabulary) will take care of that.
## IELTS Writing Task 2 - traveling topic

  
  
Topic: It is not necessary to travel to other places to learn about other cultures. We can learn from books, films, and internet. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
Some people believe that traveling to other sites of other countries to know about their cultures and customs is not essential since they believe that we all now can learn from other materials. I disagree with this view because I think that we should make the images, or the words that we learn from those materials to be practical.  
  
On the one hand, I accept that nowadays we can literally know everything by just looking it up on the internet. In this way, we can probably absorb the information that we want to get, for example, a lot of people know about American football, which is one of the most popular sports in the US, by just searching it up online. Besides of that, to learn about other cultures, we can also learn in a variety of ways, from watching films to reading books . Because of recent advances in technology are making a great contribution to the search for learning about the language, the culture and the society of that country, I can understand why some people feel that we do not need to explore that country by travelling.  
  
At the same time, I believe that by travelling to other places, we would have a so much more exciting and interesting experience that we could never have via books or films. We can enjoy the works of infrastructure, we can see the aesthetic qualities of the views by our naked-eyes that without travelling to those sites, we could just see it in a book and flipping the pages over. In my opinion, to be a connoisseur of a country that we want to get to know about, we need to have a realistic experience so we can make and keep the portrayal of that country by ourselves, not through others'thinking or reviews written.  
  
In conclusion, going to places to learn about other cultures seems unnecessary but I believe that it could bring lots of practical experience which books, films or other materials cannot fully provide to us.
You should avoid using "I" or "We" which makes your essay less objective. Some of your sentences are too long and thus hard to follow.  
  
You state that you completely disagree with the view given but your way of presenting sounds like you just partly disagree. Your first body paragragh which supports the given view is even longer than your second paragraph in which you present claim against the given opinion and support your thesis statement. I think if you want to complely agree or disagree, you should have a more appropriate outline.  
  
For example: completely disagree  
- First body paragraph: reason 1 for disagree with explanation or example  
- Second body paragraph: reason 2 for disagree with explanation or example  
- Third body parapraph (optional): you should present the opposite view a little bit and explain why it is not as strong as your  
  
You make some grammar mistakes with because, because of, besides...  
  
If something can be seen with the naked eye, it can be seen without the help of an instrument rather than seeing something at the site.
There are 2 reasons as to why you must use first person pronoun references in this essay.  
1. Proper sentence structure includes your ability to use pronouns in the proper manner. This is scored under the GRA section of the essay.  
2. The question posed is a direct opinion question. This requires a direct personal response therefore the use of I, me, myself, and other first person pronoun forms are necessary in the opinion presentation of the essay.  
  
You did not make a mistake in your presentation. Had you given a proper response to the discussion requirement, your score would have been better because you would have been able to prove your knowledge of grammar rules and showed that you knew how to properly first person references in your opinion and reasoning presentation.  
  
That said, the main problem with your essay is the lack of emotional response to the question provided. The question required you to show a measured response in terms of reasoning based on the agree or disagree question. So the strength of your response should have varied from:  
  
I strongly...  
I vehemently...  
I completely...  
  
to name but a few measured response representations to the question. You gave a proper but lacking response to the task discussion question in the prompt paraphrase section.  
  
Now, while you did a good job in showing your GRA knowledge, the reason this essay will not score well is because you did not focus on a single opinion reasoning presentation in the 2 reasoning paragraphs. This is a single opinion essay. You were asked a clear question that has only one response, yes or no, agree or disagree? In this type of essay, you must focus on presenting 2 strong reasons that support your stance. That is so that you can continue to highlight your LR ability to use words that depict strong emotions in terms of supporting your opinion.  
  
What happened in your essay is that you gave a conflicting response. You both agree and disagree based on the reasoning paragraph that you gave. Which will confuse the examiner as you already stated a disagreement in the paraphrase. You cannot have 2 opinions presented when a single opinion is required by the direct question. Stick to one opinion and highlight why you believe that is the correct opinion, using first person pronouns.
## number of movies seen by people of different age

  
  
The line graph illustrates the percentage of movies which people from 18 to 65 years old saw in a theatre during the 15 years.  
  
It can be seen that between 2000 and 2015, the number of movies seen by the teenagers at 18-24 years old had a remarkable increase while the number of films seen by the age from 25-65 decreased sharply at the same time.  
  
In the beginning, the rate of movies which the people from 45-65 years old watched in the theatre was the highest among the age group, at nearly 15%. Meanwhile, the figures for the 18-24 and 25-44 age range were quite low at 10% and 12 % respectively. From 2000 to 2010, there was a downward trend in the average number of movies seen in the theatre by 25-44 and 44-65 year-olds people while the age from 18-24 years old rose to 12% in 2005 and remained steadily till 2010. In 2016, under 8% of movies in the theatre was chosen by people from 25-65 years old while the number of films seen by 18-24-year-olds continued growing, up to 14%.  
  
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