dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## UK students statistics - the chart and graph

  
  
The graph and the chart give information about the number of new graduates and their employment in the UK from 1992 to 2002.  
UK  
  
The chart compares te percentages of UK students graduating wit third occupation between 1992 and 2002.  
Overall , It is clear that the graduates figure of British students in the first five years before declining in the later five years of period . Professional fields was chosen by most students after graduated.  
  
In the line graph. The rate shows about 165 thousand students graduates from university in 1992. There was a dramatic rise in the rate to 30 thousand after five years .Then, this rate declined to 180 thousand at the end of this period.  
  
Regarding employment chart, the professional data was the highest, just under 60% which students graduates worked in and declined by 5% each five years period. The same trend was repeated in the figure for management and administration, despite its figure was only equal to a third. In contrast, despite a rise, the percentages of students working as clerks and secretaries, sales and others were trivial, ranging from about 5% to 8% only.  
  
*
@ledidan  
Watch out for the forms of your words. Ensure that you always use the appropriate ones. Doing this will help your essay tremendously when it comes to looking more put-together.  
  
In addition to this, try to use more relevant transition words as you are writing. This will help your essay become more fluid.  
  
You should try to have more clarity in your writing while still exploring options you have available. Becoming more innovative in your writing goes a long way. What this means is omitting words that are becoming repetitive - and instead opting to use words are quite close to their meaning.  
  
**Let's revise a few portions of your essay.**  
  
Both the graph and the chart display information about the state of employment of new graduates from 1992 to 2002 in the UK.  
  
The chart compares the percentages of students graduating with a third occupation within the period. While it is clear that there is a decline over the years, professional fields are preferred.  
  
The line graph shows the rate of student graduates in 1992. The graph witnessed a spike after half a decade before experiencing a decline of 180 000 at the end of the period.  
  
[...]  
  
*Watch out for the techniques used - and always try to use formal language. Best of luck!*
## Aged boss or a young leader of a company

  
  
Topic: The leaders of organisations are often older people. But some people say that young people can also be leaders.  
Do you agree or disagree?  
  
It is true that bosses play critical roles in consortiums. While some people think that younger generations are likely to be good at leadership, I strongly believe that older people are much more suitable to handle these important positions due to their long-term experiences and sustainable relationships.  
  
On the one hand, it is accepted that junior people have potentials to be a good leader. Firstly, young people are energetic and enthusiastic. As many jobs, nowadays, require each individual especially the leaders the ability to tolerate the work overload with high pressure. And the youth with good health conditions can come up with many solutions even when they are being affected by stress and tiredness. By contrast, ole people' health, in general, is very poor so it will be such a challenge for them to make proper decisions in tense situations under the overwhelmment of work. Secondly, junior people, nowadays, are more talented and more creative than the elders. This good point help them to solve the problems more easily and effectively than the older people. For example, a teenager can bring in many advertising strategy that contributes to the increase in the income of a company.  
  
On the other hand, senior people are believed to be much better at leading the organisation. First of all, older people accumulate more experiences than younger people in many fields. This helps them to make wiser decision and bring more success to the company. For instance, older directors have learnt from the past for several times so they will know clearly about what strategy is the most efficient for the growth of the business. Secondly, the elderly are usually respected by lots of members in an organisation because of their communication skills. Old people are experienced in listening and understanding other individuals, which helps them to build up many good relationships not only in their companies but also in society. Therefore, senior people are more powerful and their speech can influence other people easily. Obviously, older people totally have more advantages in leading an organisation.  
  
In conclusion, I hold the belief that critical positions of authority should be given to senior people due to their experiences and good social relationships.
@trannhutoan2002  
Be wary of using forms that are **more appropriate** in the structure of your sentences. Always be consistent when it comes to writing. This is applicable in nearly all grammatical and technical aspects of writing - because ensuring that you follow through from the beginning till the end of your essay is key. Try not to create running sentences that do not have formal/functional structures.  
  
In addition to all of this, it would be beneficial if you could also make your sentences more concise. If you have hold over this technique, you'll find that you can cut down on unnecessary words; using this will help you have more depth to your essay.  
  
**Let's try to revise a few parts of your essay in accordance to these comments.**  
  
On the one hand, younger people are energetic and enthusiastic, making them good leaders. Because most jobs require tolerance for heavily pressured work, the good health conditions of young people can help. Contrastly, the health impediments of older people make it challenging for them to handle stressful situations. Secondly, young people hold more innovative creativity than the elderly. [...]  
  
I suggest that in the succeeding sentences after this portion, you should try to integrate more ideas on why more creative minds are from young people. You can discuss, for instance, how accessibility to modern-day technology ensures that they never run out of ideas. While, on the other hand, adapting to these newfound techniques is generally harder for older people due to their age.  
  
Notice how merging your synonymous thoughts together creates a more dynamic approach to writing. Doing this will make sure that you do not waste space in your essay. Using words such as junior people also is seen as a less academic approach to writing it out - instead, always try to opt for more formal words when you are writing.  
  
*Think of these as you are writing. Best of luck!*
## Time consuming Computer games

  
  
Topic: Today many students spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? is it a negative or positive development?  
  
In this day and age, an escalating number of schoolchildren prefer spending a larger deal of time on computer-based games to wasting time on physical activities. From my perspective, there are a variety of reasons behind this trend, and it is perceived as a negative development to children's health and personality development.  
  
There are a myriad of grounds for spend excessive amounts of time on computer-based games. One of the compelling reasons is that video games promote heroism and individualism among schoolchildren. This is because in the virtual world youngsters are much more likely to become leaders, captains, or heroes easily which appear to be more challenging and daunting to gain in the real world. As a result, they would end up with a sense of admiration and respect and reap applause from others, which spurs them to spend excessive amounts of time sitting in front of screen and immersing themselves in these video games. Another prominent root of children's spending little time on sports is that unlike sports that require a greater degree of energy and strength, playing computer-based games is less tired and energy draining. Players just sit in front of screen, eat snacks while playing, which is so comfortable and awesome.  
  
However, I would argue that this trend has adverse effects on children's health and personality growth. Firstly, it is undeniable that sitting in front of screen for a prolonged time would contribute to some health disorders such as blurred vision, obesity, and back pain as adults. Secondly, playing too much computer-based games has a profound impact on personality development of players. Needless to say, there are a great amount of foul language and violence on video games, and children are more likely to imitate and employ these in daily lives or when feeling estranged, depressed, and isolated. Thus, it is possible that these poor behavior patterns could lead to subsequent violent acts.  
  
In conclusion, there are numerous reasons why young children tend to spend much time on video games rather than on sports, and it is undoubtedly negative development due to at least influencing on health and personality growth.
## A country economically successful and with a clean environment

  
  
I took the IELTS test last year and only got a 6.5 on writing (overall 8.0). I would really appreciate your help if you could give me some feedbacks to improve my writing so I can get a better result next time.  
  
(I did not time myself writing this essay - I thought I would prioritize expanding grammar, vocabulary, and ideas first, so this took me 1 hour to finish)  
  
**QUESTION: Some people say that it is possible for a country to be both economically successful and have a clean environment. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
There has been a heated debate regarding the possibility for a country to develop a thriving economy while preserving the quality of its environment. While I concur with the idea that the growth of a nation's economy ineluctably has grave ramifications on the nature, the co-existence of a strong economy and the healthy Earth is not impossible, given that more attention is paid on the health of our life-supporting system.  
  
On the one hand, some people argue that the nature of any economy is deeply predicated on the excessive extraction of the environment, thus there is an inverse proportion between the well-being of the environment and that of the economy. In other words, the more determined people are to make their countries economically booming, the more relentlessly they will deplete the Earth of its resources. Hence, mankind would eventually reach the point when their insatiable needs are no longer satisfied by the finite natural resource of the Earth. Human-induced degradation of nature could be exemplified by the fact that more than three-quarters of land worldwide has been converted into estates for livestock cultivation and crop production, as reported by the United Nation in 2019.  
  
On the other hand, however, others are of the opinion that the idea of simultaneously strengthen their country's economy whilst maintaining the surrounding environmental quality is not a far-fetched one. Highlighting recent remedial efforts made by governments to compensate for environmental damages as a reason for their viewpoint, these people are optimistic about the states of both their countries' economy and environment. While I agree that government subsidization, which mainly comes from firms whose activities vest in the exploitation of natural capital, can facilitate in the healing of the environment, this remedy only exerts a certain level of impact. Unless all companies embrace sustainable developmental strategies, the Earth will not be able to replenish itself to catch up with the rate at which exploitative activities are taking place.  
  
To recapitulate, should nations wish to thrive economically, they must not neglect the protection of the very foundation of their economy - the environment.
I know it's not part of your essay but the correct form of feedback is always singular (not feedbacks) as feedback cannot be counted (can use many, more, etc.)  
  
There has been a heated debate (remove a, since there is more than one debate and it is ongoing) or use 'There is heated debate'  
  
"In other words, the more determined people are to make their countries succeed economically ~~economically booming~~, the more relentlessly they will deplete the Earth of its resources."  
  
paid on the health of our life-supporting system. --> paid to the health of our life-support system  
  
"On the other hand, however,"  
Third Paragraph: 'on the other hand' and 'however' can be used in place of each other in most cases, you only need one, and since 'on one hand' was used in the second paragraph, I suggest you remove 'however'  
  
strengthen --> strengthening  
  
I felt that the conclusion was quite effective. There were a few sentences that I had to read twice to find the meaning of, due to grammar. Some sentences could be reworded to be shorter and to the point. Overall, it was well-written and appropriate to the topic, as it discussed both sides of the argument. My formatting may have been a bit confusing (first post!) so just ask if you need clarification. Based on this writing, I think you'll do better on the IELTS this time around :)
## travel to the Japanese pagoda

  
  
When the new year holiday of last year, I were working in Japan so I travelled to the Japanese pagoda for sightseeing. I travelled alone because my colleagues and friends go home to Vietnam.  
  
The pagoda is on an island far 100 kilometers from my flat. I went to this place by fair and lost over 800 Japanese yen. My smartphone could not access the internet because I did not register so for careful preparation, I searched and saved maps of the way from my home to the destination. It was so easy to go to the pagoda. At the gate, I took a picture of the pagoda map so I could sightsee spectacular landscapes and monumental architect completely and quickly. I took a lot of pictures of my journey collections.  
  
But, I was in trouble with my phone, suddenly it turned off, I tried to restart it but useless. I really worried, I thought my picture will be lost, and at that moment, I did not have the map to go home.  
  
By something I could remember and asking some visitors, I cameback to the port and went home at 16 o'clock.
@HuongT  
Be cautious of the forms of the words that you use in your essay. I have noticed that you have a lot of technical, grammatical mistakes sporadically throughout your writing. To evade this, you should try to be wary and aware of when you are writing to ensure that you use appropriate terminologies all throughout.  
  
In addition to this, being more descriptive can also go a long way when you are writing. When you are writing your personal experiences, it would be better if you could use all your senses in expounding on what your emotions were as you were in that moment. Doing this will create a more in-depth feeling for your essay.  
  
**Let's revise a couple portions of your essay.**  
  
During the new year holiday last year, I was working in Japan. I visited the Japanese pagoda.\* [...]  
  
My smartphone did not have access to the internet as I was unable to register in preparation. I searched and saved maps to the destination; I found it easy to locate the pagoda! [...]  
  
*\*You should try to add more specific details here. What is this pagoda called? In which area of Japan were you staying? How was the pagoda's area different from the area that you were working in? Did these changes and variations come off as interesting to you as a traveler in Japan?*  
  
*Best of luck! Just remember to always be specific, innovative, and creative when you are delivering experiences - and you'll go a long way.*
Writing task 2 page 77 - Cambridge IELTS 10  
Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?  
  
## goods to spread widely in the world

  
  
In our globalization era, especially the development of technology, the need for various ranges of products increases as people competitively run their business. Although many individuals find it complicated in delivery and distribution, I believe the rapid spread of any specific product makes it more accessible to anyone and positively develops global economy.  
  
The increasing of globalization makes it possible for goods to spread all over the world with a blink. Companies expand their factories in every country and distribute their goods to all customers. For example, Starbucks has millions of brands on a global scale, not only big cities but also small towns. To be specific, my mother had to ask from her friends who lived abroad and came back Vietnam once a year to buy her some favorite materials for art that had just been sold in the US in the 1980s. She no longer gets help from her friends now because of online shopping and wider choices here sometimes confuse her so much that she has to ask me which one is better.  
  
Borders are imaginably removed and people no longer feel cultural shocking when they travel another country. This is because traditional foods, clothes, jewelry, accessories, ... are distributed globally, making it familiar with citizens. For instance, Vietnamese people can easily find Hanbok rental shops available everywhere for their wedding photos. Compared to the past, Southern Vietnamese people might feel weird if Northern Vietnamese people came and cooked Northern-styled soup. However, we now like to learn other cultures and enjoy them which make it easier to integrate into an international environment.  
  
In conclusion, there are many positive effects for goods to spread widely to serve the high quality of living for picky people based on economical changes.
@tlyphuong1  
Ensure that you have **consistency** in the forms of words that you use. Doing this will greatly improve your **essay's overall structure**. Furthermore, evade the usage of complex sentences *not unless it is deemed necessary*. An organic flow characterized with fluctuations and changes in length would always be beneficial because (1) showcases an innovative approach to writing and (2) helps you omit mistakes to maximize the space you have for your essay.  
  
**Let's revise a couple parts of your essay in accordance to the mistakes I have observed.**  
  
In the era of globalization and development of technology, variety in the range of products is essential for competitive businesses. Although many find it complicated in delivery and distribution, I believe that accessibility of products to communities helps develop the global economy.  
  
Globalization has made it possible for goods to rapidly spread in the world. Companies can expand their factories to countries and distribute goods more efficiently.\* [...]  
  
*\*When you are faced with sentence structures that can be repetitive, try to use synonymous terms or have a more progressive approach to writing. This will help you in the long-run when it comes to developing your techniques for writing. For instance, you have mentioned distribution a few times already - so it would be better if you could provide an additional insight (ie. more efficient distribution) rather than blandly stating it out.*  
  
*Keep these in mind. Don't hesitate to ask for more input. Best of luck to your IELTS!*
Many people believe in the power of a life abroad, and they consider it as an efficient shortcut to reach their success. From my perspectives, this trends of resettling in another country is related to causes that mainly depend on one's life expectation.  
  
For those who are ambitious to learn and work, moving to another country such as the developed world is to improve their career prospects or even better turn their life around. They believe the place would offer a dream job, one with higher payment and fewer working hours. Moreover, the place can help them be sufficient in a second language. This allows the people to soak up the new culture and to make their life be more like of an adventure with full of eye-opening experiences. For this reasons, many Asian well-off parents send their children to attend in the renowned university in the developed world, hoping that their children would benefit from its high-qualified education system. However, learning experiences through working and studying will not a cause that appeal some who come from the developed country to leave their world.  
  
Some of such people choose a life in another hometown to enjoy and be happy. They might abandon a metropolis in which the pace of life is so speedy and they often suffer from stress and frustration. By living in another place in a less developed country, they can gain happiness and feel a sense of fulfillment due to the lower living cost and the amount of freetime. Living in another part of the globe turns out to be a choice of living a life more balanced between work and personal life.  
  
In conclusion, while some people live abroad for better learning experiences, others choose a life abroad due to a more fulfilled life. Generally, living abroad opens many valuable opportunities for various aspects of life.  
  
Thank for your reading this!! I really wonder how I can improve this essay. And also how to make it shorter but remain the ideas in it !!
@viho0970  
Watch out for phrasing mistakes that can affect the overall quality of your essay. You should try to omit words that do not add value to your sentences/essay. Doing this will heavily help you structure your essay in a way that you are able to optimize the space that you have. Try to also avoid using repetitive thoughts/language - and instead, try opting for a more concise and in-depth approach to writing that will ensure that you have more direction.  
  
**Let's revise a couple portions of your essay.**  
  
A lot of people believe that moving abroad is equivalent to a shortcut to success. From my perspective, this trend is due to relative expectations of people.  
  
Ambitious and hardworking individuals see moving to a developed country as a way to improve their career prospects. There are beliefs on having a dream job characterized with higher payments and fewer working hours. This can also become a way to learn a second language.\* Moreover, this lets people immerse in a new culture for adventurous and eye-opening experiences. [...]  
  
*\*I suggest revising this portion because unless you can find a direct correlation between learning a second language and moving overseas, it seems sort of lost in the thought profess of this paragraph.*  
  
Try to be wary of instances wherein you were unable to relay the full details of your thoughts. **Try to be cautious when you are concluding.**  
  
Best of luck!