dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The prompt restatement is confusing. The writer is combining unrelated ideas in the presentation sentences, leaving the reader confused.The thought process is difficult to follow. Do not use run-on sentences. Seperate the idea sentences to create a coherent paraphrasing of the original. The opinion statement suffers from the same problems. It does not create a cohesive introduction and thesis paragraph.  
  
Do not use more than 2 reasoning paragraphs in the presentation. The writing format is that of an opinion essay rather than a comparative discussion. Build the clarity and convincing evidence in 2 paragraphs. These paragraphs all have room for improvement. Develop the reasons, that is what you get scored on.
## IELTS WRITING TASK I - SALES OF JEANS OF TWO COMPANIES

  
  
The bar chart indicates the estimated jeans sales of the two Turkish companies in the next year and their projected market share at the end of the same year.  
  
Overall, there will be a general increase in the sale figures of Mango and Jack & Jones Company. Moreover, they are expected to be the leader in share market.  
  
It is clear from the pie chart that 50% of total market is forecasted to be accounted by other companies. This figure will be at 30% for Jack& Jone and 20% for Mango company.  
  
Beginning relatively high at more than 400 thousand of pairs in January, a significantly drop to approximately 250 thousands is predicted in the Jack & Jone sale figure in the following year. This figure will recover to 600 thousands in September and October before peaking at 800 in the period shown. In addition, the data on Mango Company is estimated to see a gradual growth in the first 4 months at approximately at around 150 thousands. A dramatic increase is predicted in July and August, overtaking the figure for Jack & Jone, followed by a minor increase to just 600 thousands at the end of period.  
  
Thank you for your help, I really appreciate that!!!  
  
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The summary overview will recieve a failing score because it does not completely change the original presentation. It comes across as more of having been done in a cut and paste manner. This lack of paraphrasing skill shows a severly limited English vocabulary and could very well negatively affect the LR and GRA scores of the test taker.  
  
When writing the report, the first sentence must indicate the figure being presented to help lead the reader towards a thorough understanding of the presentation. A complete analysis must be presented within 3-5 sentences. A 2 sentence presentation is not considered a complete paragraph format. It is always considered an under-developed analysis and explanation.
First of all, there are other patent information that u can outlined, including a small decrease at first in the bar chart. Also, they are not gonna be "the leader" if the sum of them are just 50%. You can say a "considerable"instead. So, the problem here is too few informations and lack of vocab.  
  
Secondly, it is certain that you write too short for the first body. How about making comparisons, it would increase your writing's details.  
  
For instance, I will rewrite it: COMPARING TWO INDUSTRIES, THE JACK AND JONES COMPANY IS ESTIMATED (A WORD U SHOULD USE) TO ACCOUNT FOR 30% OF THE PROJECTED MARKET POOL. LOWER THAN THAT, THE MANGO COMPANY WILL STAND AT ONE FIFTH OF THE SAME ASPECT. OTHER INDUSTRIES WILL CLAIM THE REST OF THE PROJECTED MARKET SHARE, WHICH IS A HALF OF THE PIE CHART. (I'm sorry to caps it but I typo and I just can't undo it, apologize!)  
  
And despite the others claim a higher percentage, it is not the kind of information that u can start. I mean, the question is mainly about 2 companies, so the examiner looks for your description of them, instead of the dramatical but unimportant figure.  
  
Thirdly, in the following year. (located at the initial sentence of body 2) seems confusing since the drop only takes part in the second month so it should be "in the following month"  
  
Last and the most important, throughout two bodies, u didn't given any single comparison between two companies. This will leave a significant minus point in Task Response. I hope u can fix this next time.
Question:  
***In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry.***  
## Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

  
  
Despite the fact that in agriculture many advancements and breakthroughs have been launched and implemented, the world still witnesses plenty of human beings in poverty or under malnourished condition. This essay will emphasize some reasons behind this contradict event and also suggest several solutions which my modify the reality.  
  
To begin with, this serious problem has existed for some reasons in line with financial issues and other noticeable forces. In fact, those types of development have been invented and invested in order to stimulate the agriculture in developed countries while many developing countries whose major economy is agriculture cannot afford most of modern technologies. They still use mainly outdated methods in farming, resulting in poor crops with bring them a modest amount of produce or income which they have to manage to live on. Additionally, many regions must face other issues such as war and conflicts, climate change or poor natural resources preventing them from improving, making income or escaping from hunger. For example, a considerable number of nations in Africa have suffered from malnourished conditions because of their unpleasant weather which appears to bar them to doing farming properly or having productive crops.  
  
As a result, it is essential to alleviate the problem with possible solutions. In order to support poor people, it is believed that wealthy individuals or residents from industrial countries should join hand, raise fund, and allocate the budget and resources to places in need. Moreover, every individual should be educated about climate crisis, environment, war and conflicts, so that they can be aware of the importance of having a better planet. In other words when humans live in positivity and security, they can focus on working and making money. Thus, they can possess advances themselves in improving productivity in farming instead of waiting for donation or allotment from others.  
  
In conclusion, it is significant to identify the causes of hunger despite the improvement of technology and industry in agriculture. Consequently, several resolutions would be introduced effectively to address the current situation.
~~poverty~~ or under malnourished conditio  
Do not add topics to the restatement. Use only the original subjects to preserve the original topic focus.  
  
This essay will emphasiz  
The requirement is for direct topic response presentations, not an instruction replacement. The repeat of the instruction does not prove you will be discussing proper response representations. Fulfill the discussion outline requirement instead.  
  
To begin with, this serious ...afford most of modern technologies  
The first half of this paragraph is devoid of any useful discussion points. It does not begin to actually present a coherent discussion till the last half. Always make sure that the paragraph makes sense from the first paragraph sentence to the last.  
  
As a result, it is essential to alleviate the problem with possible solutions.  
Do not get used to using empty sentence fillers. Go directly to the first solution topic sentence. Word and sentence fillers negatively affect the c + C score.
Hope you can give me useful advices and thank you very much.  
  
*Topic : **universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
There has been a growing number of controversies about gender equality in community, especially in educational environments. A wide array of individuals holds the view that the numbers of student of each major in colleges should have equivalence between two genders. However, from my standpoint, I totally disagree because this idea is not appropriate in variety of aspect such as specific characteristics in some majors and quantities of courses.  
  
The main factor to demonstrate that the balance between boy and girl in each subject is not effective is the specific quality of each major. Each gender has their distinct advantages and interests, as a result, there are diversity of type of majors that are more applicable for one gender than the remaining. More specifically, it is extremely arduous to have equal number of two gender in types of major about engineer or information technology because these major often more attractive with male student. On the contrary, types of major about mentality or language are more common with female. Therefore, if universities try to equalize the number of male and female, it is impact negatively on input quantities.  
  
On top of that, whether numbers of male and female are equal or not is not impact on studying and teaching method on degree courses. Before taking a higher education like colleges, everybody must do an exam to check range of their knowledge and then they can choose types of major that suitable with their limits. In this way, each individual in colleges has the same time and opportunities with the others to enhance their experience, no matter what gender they are. For instance, a female student can completely have better point than another male student because she invests more time on studying and vice versa. Therefore, in my opinion, it is nonsensical when assuming gender issues can impact the qualities of university courses.  
  
For the reasons mentioned above, I believe that finding the same numbers of each gender for majors is not an adequate opinion. To my way of thinking, if universities want to build a good environment for their students, the best method is improving the quality of courses and facilities.
There are times when the rephrasing should cover only 1 sentences. This is one of those times. There is no need to sensationalize the presentation as there is no reference to such in the original prompt. So the first sentence in this presentation is totally useless and does not add anything to the score. Only the last 2 sentences will be used as a scoring basis.  
  
the remaining  
Improper word usage. Based on the use of the reference " one gender" the next description should be " the other gender " to represent the opposites.  
  
The summary conclusion format is incorrect. It does not restate the topic+ opinion as required. Neither does it recap the reasons as expected. A solution sentence is unnecessary as it leaves the essay open-ended with an relevant topic, which deviates from the original It could cause the essay to fail.
Let me talk about your grammar. I believe that there are many words or phrases needed "s" as a sign of plural noun.  
in variety of aspect: aspect is a countable noun, so aspects must be more correct.  
between boy and girl in: boys and girls  
with male student students  
  
In addition, I think that you don't need to use "types of major", "major" is understandable enough. Or you can use faculty or department when talking about a larger range of major.  
  
"I totally disagree..." This is your thesis statement which you will analyse those ideas/ reasons above. This asks you to write two specific paragraph: the first one is about "specific characteristics in some majors" and the second one is about "quantities of courses". You are writing a stated thesis statement so you have to analyse what you have mentioned and cannot add other types of information. Therefore, you can write an implied thesis statement by not showing your ideas directly or obviously. Hiding them and then later you explain those reasons in each paragraph.  
  
Hope my comment help. ^^
I'm preparing for IELTS and need help with my writing, any advice is appreciated. Thank you  
  
Prompt:  
**The graph below gives information about changes in the birth and death rates  
in New Zealand between 1901 and 2101**.  
***Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
My essay:  
  
The graph shows information regarding the birth and death rates in New Zealand from 1901 to present and gives prediction up until 2101.  
  
Overall, according to the statistics, the birth rate peaked once around 1961 and would start to decrease overtime. On the contrary, death rate was anticipated to be on an increasing trend and only by 2061 would it stop rising.  
  
The number of births, prior to 1941, were mostly under 40,000. In the next 20 years however, the birth rate exploded and peaked at around 65,000 newborns recorded in 1961. After that, the birth rate, as documented, though with little fluctuation, started to decrease and was predicted to remain on the declining trend until 2101.  
  
As of the death rate, it was approximately 10,000 people in 1901 and steadily climbed to around 35,000 people in 2021. The rate is expected to keep increasing and will only stop in the year 2061, at around 60,000 people, and begin to even out.  
  
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*the graph*
Do not compress the summary information into a run-on sentence. The summary must always contain 3 sentences. Each sentence must reference a specific highlight and/or idea from the presentation. Seperate sentences are used to represent the clarity of the writer's understanding of the image. It is the TA score basis and preliminary C + C consideration.  
  
The graph  
Please indicate the specific type of graph as portrayed in the image to differentiate the report measurement style. There are several types of graphs the writer must be knowledgable about.  
  
was  
"Is anticipated" would be the correct time reference. Future tense usage is needed as this is only a prediction that is yet to happen. This error happens twice. Review tense usage rules.
I am going to take an IELTS test but my writing really worries me. Please help me with the words I should choose and give me feedback. It would be nice if you can assess my band score. Thank you!  
  
***1. Some people think it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment for people who are already ill.***  
  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?

  
  
In the technology-driven era, modern machinery has seemingly made a paradigm shift in almost all aspects of human's lives leading to the rising concern about health-related problems. Many people side with the idea that government funding should be allocated to foster mankind's healthy style of living rather than focusing on curing intrinsically afflicted people, which I wholeheartedly subscribe to.  
  
To a certain extent, presumably, the national budget should be expended upon the treatments for diseased individuals. Indeed, although our civilization has undergone fully-fledged changes in multitudinous facets of life, the divergence of income still remains a barrier for destitute people to obtain adequate medical care. Therefore, state funding is likely to act as a sound and solid foundation for themselves to better their health and enhance living standards.  
  
Nonetheless, the consumption of public money on the purpose of inducing a healthy lifestyle is proved to be more judicious and favourable. The upgradation of the health support system, by innovating medical equipment and healthcare services, will raise greater awareness among the public. Furthermore, widely disseminating information regarding the merits deprived from striking a healthy balance between manifold aspects of life also contributes. As a consequence, these will enhance the overall well being of mankind as well as marking a groundbreaking progress in medical-related fields.  
  
In conclusion, although allocating resources on assisting people struggling with diseases is a worth-honoured action, I would fully endorse that alloting funds to invest in fostering the public knowledge of healthcare is far more significant. Should the healthcare system be improved and human's mentality be concentrated, this will lead to the sustainable development of society in the long run.
~~In the technology-driven era...health-related problems.~~   
This section does not add to the clarity of the paraphrase. It is totally unrelated and does not connect with restatement. The rephrasing can easily be composed of 2 sentences only. Provided that the first sentence is an accurate topic realalement and the second, is a proper opinion presentation. The latter sentence isthe only required and scorable aspects of this paragraph. However, since it is a run-on, the presentation is confusing. It should be presented as 2 sentences composed of independent ideas. Regardless, the opinion response is in the correct format.  
  
~~To a certain extent, presumably,~~   
When a whole. hearted response is provided, it cannot be changed midstream. This reflects confusion on the part of the writer, providing an opening for a failing score in terms of TA and C + C discussion considerations. Once an opinion is given in the thesis section, the whole essay must support it  
  
\* Contact me privately for scoring services.
## IELTS 2: social media - advantages and disadvantages

  
  
***Social media is becoming increasingly populat among all age groups. However, sharing personal information on social media does have risk. Do you think the advatantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages ?***  
  
There is no doubt about the prevalence of social media among all age ranges. However, the nature of of online platform presents a myriad of potential issues. Both views will be discussed in my essay before drawing my own conclusion.  
  
On the one hand, the most visible merit of social networking sites is that keep in touch with the loved ones. To explicitly explain,through Facebook, Viber,etc,people can easily have a virtual conversational exchange such as video call to interact with intimate friends as well as family members without any cost. Second, using social netwok facilitates communication globally. With lots of forums, groups are avaible on Facebook,Twitter.., consumers simply find mates who have the same hobby or ideals.  
  
On the other hand,the setback of social media is more concerning. Of even major concern of many is data loss. To exemplify, everything, in the contemporary world, is quickly accessible online,hence, consumers are willingly share their personal information in exchange of speedy online services such as paying bills, shopping,etc without a second thought. Despite being ensured about privacy information security,it is still straightforward for hacker to hack user's data which leads to some serious consequences like money loss.  
  
In the nutshell, for the aforementioned reasons, inspite of countless benefits of social networking sites, I am on the view that the drawback of the risk of losing private information is more considerable.
The essay automatically gets a failing score for providing a response that does not reflect the discussion requirement. Rather than doing an advantage V. disadvantage essay, the exam taker chose to use the comparative opinion plus personal opinion presentation. The discussion presentation has been altered. Though a response was provided, it is not in the correct format.  
  
Question: Do you think the advatantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages ?  
Response: Both views will be discussed in my essay before drawing my own conclusion.  
  
No appropriate response was provided for the TA score which requires a question response to be provided. The thisis response was instead placed at the and paragraph, where it cannot be scored as a proper response anymore. This:  
  
I am on the view that the drawback of the risk of losing private information is more considerable.  
should have been part of the 1st paragraph where it would have recieved a clarity of opinion score and prevented the prompt alteration which made the essay fail.
When writing an essay, you need to make sure your answer complied with the given question.  
Question: Do you think the advantages of ...  
Your answer should be: In my opinion/ Personally/ From my point of view, the disadvantages must be more serious and can overshadow its advantages.  
  
"On the one hand..." GRAMMAR  
Correction: is to keep in touch with... OR is that people can keep in touch with their loved one.... When use THAT in this case, you must follow it with a clause.  
  
Besides, to start the first body part, you should write a topic sentence before jumping into showing separate ideas.  
Correction: On the one hand, people can benefit from social networking sites in some aspects.  
After writing this sentence, you can add more information. At first, the most visible merit of social networking sites is to keep in touch with the loved one.  
  
"etc, lots of, a lot of" must not be used in academic writing. Also no "...".  
  
"... hence, consumers are willingly share their personal..." GRAMMAR.  
consumers willingly share or consumers are willing to share...  
  
Using TOBE verb (are) with a normal verb (share) instead of with participle (-ing or -ed/V3) is completely incorrect. Make sure to use proper grammar.  
  
There are several plural nouns needed. "the setbacks (obviously more than one setback), hackers (many hackers; you can use a hacker in this position)  
  
Last but not least, IN A NUTSHELL is correct.  
  
I wish my comment would help. Thanks ^^.
## **The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories.**

  
*(Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)*  
  
The bar chart illustrates how many hours married women and men work household choices a week followed by each family structures.  
Broadly, it can be seen that the number of hours which women do without paying is higher a lot compared to men in the marriage.  
  
Looking at the graph in more detail, it is clear that there is a little differential hour between females and males (30 hours and around 19 hours per week) when they do not have children. However, when spouses have children in 1-2 age groups, the hours of working household by women significantly increased to over 50 hours a week due to childcare responsibilities while unpaid work hours of men slightly decreased by about an hour/ week. The women have a number of household working hours double times in relation to men with over 3 aged children ( about 55 hours and 15 hours a week respectively).  
  
*
followed by each family structures  
Add another sentence that enumerates the structures. Complete the short form details presentation.  
  
married women and men  
Go alphabetical. Men before women as per the English alphabet. It has nothing to do with the image positioning since this is just the trending information.  
  
which women do without paying  
Do what without pay? The sentence structure is incorrect. This sentence says women do not pay for something instead of women not being paid for work. This is the type of sentence that recieves a low C + C and G R A score.  
  
per week  
Use the word "respectively" in these types of presentations to point out where or to whom the information applies.  
  
All task 1 essays require a 3 paragraph presentation. This is short by 1 paragraph. Further analysis of the image is required. There should have been an individual gender analysis prior to the combined gender study.