dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
Proportion of factor why production of farmland ~~decrease in 1990s based on main causes and in universe and region is provided by graph table~~ .  
INEFFECTIVE AND HARD TO UNDERSTAND  
YOU MAY NEED TO WRITE :*the proportion of factors causing why farmland production decreased globally in 1990s and some regions affected by those factors is provided by the graph.*  
  
**you presented an appropriately chosen information here to be presented as an overview**  
  
**BODY PARAGRAPH**  
  
First of all, the deforestation ~~causes~~ CAUSED about ....  
This proportion ~~is~~ WAS less than ...  
Beside, over cultivate ~~have~~ HAD proportion....  
  
On the other hand, North America ~~has~~ HAD the smallest land degradation ~~in~~ BETWEEN three regions.  
WAS just about 3.3 % IN THIS COUNTRY  
. This ~~is~~ WAS higher than in south pacific which *is* WAS no over cultivation.  
.... ~~has~~ HAD deforestation factor CAUSING DEGRADATION about 9.8%, ~~and also~~ WHILE 23% OF this area ~~land~~ WAS DEGRADED ~~degradation about 23%.~~Wherea s, ocean pacific ~~has~~ HAD a bad land which causes of degradation [IMPROPER INFORMATION. NO SUPPORTING DETAILS] about 13% of all this region includeD Australia and new Zealand.  
  
**\*did not mention all the features of pie chart. poorly developed  
\*predominant tenses errors**
HELLO,  
  
... main causes and in universe and region [**in some regions in the universe**] is provided by graph table.  
  
First of all, the deforestation causes ...  
[not balance. your second paragraph too short meanwhile your third paragraph long, notice the length of whole essay]  
  
This is [was ] higher than in south pacific which is [was ] no over cultivation. ... area has land degradation about 23%....  
which causes of degradation about 13%  
[you should combine or vary your sentence, because it repeat many times inside ]  
  
GLUCK:D  
Keep PRactiSing
Hello Pram!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. Be careful with tenses.  
In task you should use past tense since there is a time signal in the task.  
...of farmland decrease in 1990s based on main causes and...  
  
2. Unclear explanation  
  
First of all, the deforestation causes about 30% of all land degradation in worldwide. This proportion is less than overgrazing factor about 35%. Beside, over cultivate have proportion over first-quarter of reasons.  
You should give more explanation here, you have mention all the features.  
Look at example below:  
*The pie chart illustrates several reasons behind dropped of agricultural productivity. The biggest percentage is over-gazing by 35 percent. The, deforestation becomes the next reason which made 30 percent of farm and less productive. Over-cultivation in agricultural land also made land degradation increase. There were 28 percent of land degradation causes by this reason.*  
  
Hope it helps you :)
***Some people say that the clothes people wear are the most important indication of what they are like. Others, however, say that people should not be judged by the clothes they wear.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.***  
  
Today, fashion gives an impact to social culture. Many kinds of fashion are available around us. You can find the religious dress to the rock style one. But unconsciously, the freedom of dressing gives a different opinion among society. Some people think that the clothes they wear will indicate they are like while others believe that they cannot be judged by the clothes they wore. However, in my point of view, it depends on the culture in the place of life.  
  
"Don't judge a book by its cover" is the popular quote for this topic. In this modern era, people, especially in western, are free to express themselves. It is popularly believed that having free expression will give an impact to personal creativity skill. Facebook, one of the most attractive social media, gives the freedom for the employee to wear the dress they want. As the result, almost a half of Facebook's workers are the members of company's creative department and giving the vision of future of the company.  
  
However, for the people living in the eastern, they tend to think that people's personality is the outfit they wear on. This is proven by research conducted by Mr. Nagisa Shiota from Kyoto University in earlier of 2016. Taking the people wearing punk style in Indonesia for example, society thinks that they have a bad attitude. In reverse, wearing "peci" - one of the Islamic - dress will be considered as the good person. Here is the evidence that people tend to judge a person by its clothes.  
  
All in all, for the points that I mentioned above, people with the different culture will give the different point of view of clothing. It depends on what the culture they have. It is whatever you want to choose as long as you enjoy and will not have the conflict of the local culture.  
  
(308 Words)
Today, fashion gives an impact to social culture.  
  
... free expression will give an impact to ...  
  
1) It not just one, because based on your essay, I see you mention more than one. So you'd better change into "**many impacts**"  
  
**As the result, almost a half of Facebook's workers are the members of company's ...**  
  
2) EMPHASIZE YOUR EXPLANATION. Your explanation is not strength enough to prove that freedom in clothes can boost facebook creativity. You can add some details like data \*although it is fictive\*, or some adjective that will strengthen your idea.  
  
For instance :  
**As the result, almost half of Facebook's workers of creative department become more comfortable that shown by their increasing of thier working performance. It also can be prove that Facebook doing continuously improvement with adding many features that need by their users and make their profit and assets two times bigger than before, when the workers still use uniform which mean restrict their freedom.**
Hi!  
I need help on polishing up my thesis statement. I am never good at writing and explaining my thoughts. Can someone help me make it sound better and give a perspective on the topic? This is my thesis statement below.  
  
Doping in sports and other activities is a widespread problem that has affected people around the world. Their actions are affecting the future generations, teaching them to lie and cheat through life. These athletes who dope should be punished for their actions.
Hello, i will give you suggestion, i hope it will help you:  
  
For introduction:  
1. Explain about what is Doping  
2. The phenomena  
  
Body 1:  
What is the negative effect of doping, give reason, example and result  
  
Body 2:  
Explanation about athletes who dope, the effect, example, and result  
  
Conclusion:  
Give your opinion or you main idea about the situation and you can give the suggestion maybe for the government, or parents which have responsibility to keep their generation.
**The purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
These days, business has become job of several people. It is occur because people want to develop their career and they do not become employee. For several people, they argue that business is one of job which they can make money and if they have a business, it will make them just focus in their job. But in my view, I totally disagree about this statement.  
  
Becoming a businessman and businesswomen is the choice of people. There are advantages if people have business such as help people to get job. With the development of country, many people need job to their live and their family. Business just not about make a money or result big income but it will help other people. Opening of job fields, which help people who do not work and directly the government is helped to loss and decrease of citizens do not work. On the other hand, having business which can make people happy is the positive effect of business. Because with the improving of technology, at the present people just order and delivery their tools or material foods, clothes, or anything which make live become simple. For example other people just open their phone, search and can get anything based on what are they want.  
  
Having a business make people can do another thing, because they do not responsibility to follow a system. Such as people who have business online. They can do everywhere and whenever they want. They just need hand phone or media electronic to promote their business like make advertisement or broadcast in social media such as shoes, bags, electronic, or anything which become need of people. So, the businessman can make other job and get additional income to develop their business and open of job field for others.  
  
In conclusion, having a business jus not about make money but help others to get job and make their life simple and enjoy. A businessman can do another thing because they have flexible time.
Hello @Reski, I got some suggestions for your writing:  
  
1. These days, (A) business has become (A) job ~~of~~(FOR) several people.  
  
2. It ~~is~~ occur(S) because people ...  
  
3. ... business is one of job(S) which they can ...  
  
4. ... them just focus ~~in~~(ON) their job.  
  
5. ~~Becoming~~(Being) a businessman ~~and~~(OR) businesswomen is the ...  
  
6. Having a business make(S) people can ...  
  
7. because they do not (HAVE A) responsibility to ...  
  
8. In conclusion, having a business (IS) jus(T) not about make ...
Hello Reski!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion :)  
  
they argue that business is one of job which they can make money and if they have a business, it will make them just focus in their job.  
  
**singular of plural**  
*they argue that business is one of jobs which they can make money and if they have a business, it will make them just focus in their job.*  
  
Becoming a businessman and businesswomen is the choice of people  
Proper word  
*Being a businessman or businesswomen is the choice of people*  
  
Because with the improving of technology, at the present people just order and delivery their tools or material foods, clothes, or anything which make live become simple. For example other people just open their phone, search and can get anything based on what are they want.  
It is really good to put an example but it is nor clear enough, you should put the effect and conclusion for that example. It will be a really good explanation.  
  
Hope it helps you :)
**The diagram below shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.**  
  
The picture illustrates the flow of air leaks and heat loss in houses. overall, the amount of air getting into houses is more than the amount of air out of houses. air leaking into the house from many pathways of house but air leaking out of the house only from the top of houses.  
  
The air gets into the first floor in houses through many ways such from outdoor faucet, electrical faucet and window which is built in houses. Second floor houses have many sides from the air leaking into houses. The other places come from second floor which is window and kitchen fan vent.  
  
After that, Air is processed around the houses and loss heated throughout the attic hatch which is located in the middle of the second floor. Bathroom releases heat from its fan vent . In addition, recessed light in bathroom and kitchen cause the heat loss in houses.  
  
*   
*picture*
Hello miss ifraanisa05.  
let me give you some suggestions. you have good essay, but i want to share my opinion.  
1. better you use conjunction "such as" when you want to mention more than one example.  
don't forget add comma before conjunction "and" "such as"  
e.g.: ... houses through many ways, such as from outdoor ...  
  
2. don't forget add comma before conjunction "but"  
maybe you mistyping, use uppercase word "Air" in beginning of sentence  
you should use lowercase word "air" in middle of sentence  
e.g.: Air leaking into ...  
e.g.:After that, air is processed ...  
overall, good job, because i can understand your essay well. good luck. i hope it will be useful for you.
~~overall,~~**Overall** , the amount of air getting into houses is more than ~~the amount of~~**the quantity of**air out of houses. ~~air~~**Air** leaking into ...  
  
1. CAPITALIZE LETTER RULES ---> In the beginning you must use capital letter  
  
2. REPETITION ISSUES ---> If you can't paraphrase it, especially in one sentence, please paraphrase it !  
  
**Overall Suggestion :  
Your writing is only contain 152 words, which means that it so dangerous if the examiner strike some of your duplicate words. So, i think it is better you can explain more to make the word more than now, because if you don't fulfill the task response, your score will fall significantly.**
Hi ifra, let me give some opinions  
  
... of air getting into house~~s~~ is ...  
... of air out of house~~s~~ ...  
... into the first floor in house~~s~~ ...  
... is built in house~~s~~ ...  
... the heat loss in house~~s~~ ...  
Because only one house  
  
... from second floor ~~which is~~,such as window and kitchen ...  
To give examples you can use 'such as'  
  
Thank you  
Break a leg
Hello ifra! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) The ~~picture~~**diagram** illustrates the flow ...  
(2) *overall*, the amount of air getting into houses ... *air* leaking --> *Air is leaking or Air leaks* into the house from many pathways ~~of house~~ , but air **is** leaking out ~~of the house~~ only from ...  
  
*There are some problems with Capital words in first sentence*  
  
(3) ... the first floor in **a** house~~s~~*(there is only one house* through many ways**,** such **as** from outdoor (...) and window**s** which is built in **a** house~~s~~ .  
  
(4) Second floor house~~s~~~~have~~**has** many sides (...) into house~~s~~ .  
(5) ... second floor which ~~is~~**are** window and kitchen fan vent.
***The diagram below shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.***  
  
The picture describes about the process of air that get out and get into the house to remove heat and energy residue. Overall, the number of part or things in the house that let the air out is less than the air leak into the house. Both entering air and leaving air can pass the same part of the house.  
  
The air is produced by many things and part of the house. It passes all the part of the first and second floor of the house. The parts are dryer vent, crawl space, kitchen fan vent, and bathroom fan vent, plumbing stack vent and attic hatch. The air is generated by dryer vent in the right side of the house. The energy waste (water waste) that is produced by outdoor faucet can be removed through crawl space in the left side of the house. It can rise to the second floor by evaporating process.  
  
In the second floor of the house, air can be blown by kitchen fan vent. There are some energy sources such as electrical sources, lamp, and water faucet (in the first floor). The light energy can be produced by the lamp. It rises to the balcony. It can be released to the atmosphere by passing the attic hatch. The light in the balcony can be left the house by passing plumbing stack vent. An amount of air gets into the door and rises to balcony. It unites with air that is released from bathroom fan vent and releases to the environment by passing plumbing stack vent and attic hatch.  
  
*
Hi Ana, let me give some comments  
  
1 ...that ~~get~~gets out and get ...  
We are talking about air which is uncountable, so you should use singular verb  
get ----> gets  
  
2. It passes all the ~~part~~parts of the first and ...  
because there are many parts in this home, you can use plural form  
  
3. It can rise to the second floor by evaporating process  
It is true that water flow by evaporating process. But it can be an opinion. Because in the question there is mention about evaporation. So to avoid your own opinion, it is better to not using it.  
  
Thank you  
break a leg
**The graph below shows the unemployment rate in the US and Japan between March 1993 and March 1999.  
Write the report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.**  
  
The line graph presents how many people have no occupation in two developed countries, the United States and Japan, between 1993 and 1999. Overall, it is immediately apparent that the difference between both figures became much fewer over a 6-year period. It is also noticeable that there was a down trend in unemployment rates in the US whilst Japan saw the reverse.  
  
In March 1993, the number of people without any occupation in the United States was considerably high at 7.0 percent, while the Japanese witnessed more than twice lower than it. However, this trend bore no similarity in the latter period in which these figures became narrower, and they reached an equal point at 5.0 percent eventually.  
  
By 1994, the percentage of unemployed American people had decreased gradually to 6.0, and it continuously flattened out to just over 5.0 in the following two years, before hovering in this point until the latter period. In contrast, the rate in Japan increased slightly from above 3.5 to 4.5 percent in 1996, and then it peaking at 5.0 eventually, showing a 1.5 percent-rise in a half decades.  
  
*
how many people have no occupation in two developed countries, the United States and Japan, between 1993 and 1999.  
overall, this is an adequate paraphrasing of the question, but remember that what you need to write in your introductory sentences are the type of graph shown, the data, the units of measurement and the period of time. Thus, it is better if you directly mention ''the percentage of people who have no occupation'' rather than say ''the number''. You can also write the proportion or the ratio to avoid repetition  
  
However, this trend bore no similarity in the latter period in which these figures became narrower, and they reached an equal point at 5.0 percent eventually.  
''no similarity'''is presenting the same/additional information of the statement before, so it is inappropriate to use ''HOWEVER''. I understand that the contradiction is in the end of period, so it may be better to write :  
  
IN ADDITION, THIS TREND BORE NO SIMILARITY IN THE LATTER PERIOD IN WHICH THESE FIGURES BECAME NARROWER; HOWEVER, THEY REACHED AN EQUAL POINT AT 5.0 PERCENT EVENTUALLY  
  
**OR**  
IN ADDITION, THIS TREND BORE NO SIMILARITY IN THE LATTER PERIOD IN WHICH THESE FIGURES BECAME NARROWER ALTHOUGH THEY REACHED AN EQUAL POINT AT 5.0 PERCENT EVENTUALLY  
  
the latter period  
mentioned in each body paragraph. repetition. need to try another phrase  
  
Overall, introduction is well-developed with appropriate information selected to be presented as an overview. The grouping is a little bit vague since you talked about the whole period in the first body then talked about a range of period in another. No major errors. Good Job
**The diagram shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.**  
  
The diagram gives information about air leaking out and leaking into the house which is causes heat is lost and energy wasted. Overall, it can be seen that, heat is lost into the house through several ways which occur by air getting into the house. And energy will be wasted through several vents in the some rooms.  
  
Based on the diagram, in the house consist of Bathroom fan vent, Plumbing stack vent, attic hatch, recessed lights, chase, kitchen fan vent, electrical outlet, dryer vent, crawl space and outdoor faucet. The air enter into the house and several items such as light, kitchen will result heat but it will be lost through the several vent, which are Plumbing stack vent, kitchen fan vent, dryer vent. Air leaking out of the house and heat is lost.  
  
Besides, energy will wasted in a house, because air leaking out of the house. This is happen in the dryer vent and crawl space. Air will leak out and into the house which take place below of soil.  
  
*
Hello, Reski :)  
Here are some additional suggestions for your essay.  
  
The diagram gives information about the process of air leaking out and ~~leaking~~ into the house which is ~~causes~~caused the lost of heat and energy. Overall, it can be seen that,the heat goes out from the house through several ways which are the same ways to get into the house.~~And~~Also, energy will be wasted ...  
  
*[There is a different ways of using "also" and "and" although they have the equal meaning]*  
  
Based on the diagram, in the house consist of Bathroom fan vent, Plumbing ...  
  
*[I would suggest you to avoid this pattern since it seems shopping list, and you will lose mark in the test. The one you need to do is making comparisons about the illustrated figure. Tell what the differences between the way air comes to and goes out from every room is]*  
  
Keep practice, Resky :)
Hello Reski.  
this is my suggestion.  
actually you have good essay. i can understand your essay well, but let me give you some suggests  
  
1. don't forget to add conjunction when you mention examples/ something more than one  
i think you should add conjunction "and" for this sentence and don't forget to place comma before "but" "and"  
  
...Plumbing stack vent, kitchen fan vent,*and* dryer vent.  
  
2. to avoid usage conjunction "and" in beginning of sentence.  
e.g.: ~~And~~ Meanwhile, energy will ...  
  
3. there is missing verb, better you add verb  
e.g.: Air will leak out and flow into the house which ...  
  
overall good job. keep writing. good luck
Hello eki! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
(1) The diagram gives **the** information about air leaking out and ~~leaking~~ into the house which is causes **by** heat ~~is~~ lost and energy wasted.  
  
(2) ... seen that, heat ~~is~~ lost into the house (...) which occur**s** by air getting ...  
  
(3) ~~And~~**In addition,** energy will be (...) vents in ~~the~~ some rooms.  
*Avoid using FANBOY in the first sentence*  
  
(4) ... in the house consist of Bathroom fan vent, Plumbing stack vent...  
*You do not have to mention each room in the house, just try to mention it which is followed by the explanation*  
  
(5) The air enter into the house and several ...  
*The air enter into the house through several items, such as small gaps in the light and kitchen's circulation.*  
  
(6) ~~Besides~~**However or On the other hand**, energy will (...), because air ~~leaking~~**leaks** out of the house.  
  
(7) This ~~is~~ happen**s** in the dryer vent ...
**The diagram below shows how heat is lost and energy wasted in a house because of air getting into and out of the house.**  
  
The diagram gives information about the way of leaking air circulates in a house caused by changes of air inside come and outside make waste of energy due to heat loses and how houses loses heat. Overall, it can be seen that air leaks by dryer vent and crawl space in the basement and by window and main door in the first floor seems becoming the main entrance it. Besides that, some heat is transmitted through in the room houses.  
  
First of all, dryer vent and crawl space in the basement are used by the air to get into the houses. In the first floor, air come into the houses by several spot such as window, kitchen fan vent, and main door in the middle room and come using window into the kitchen and in the bathroom air pass through by electrical outlet. As a results, houses loosing heat because the air outside comes into the houses and covers the whole basement and the first floor.  
  
Furthermore, the gasses emitted created energy wasted from attic room to the atmosphere because the air always followed the low pressure. In the bathroom, air out of the house by bathroom fan vent, recessed lights and plumbing stack vent. Attic hatch and recessed lights are used by air go out of the house and chase in the kitchen have same function. These circumstances mean dissipate the energy since cold air absorbs the heat and carrying it to outside of the houses.  
  
*   
*Question*