dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Task Achievement:**  
> You are not allowed to add an irrelevant personal opinion.  
> The data is not about **McDonald's consumptions**, but teenagers preferences in choosing fast food restaurants.  
> Beware of understanding the report. You cannot say **Vietnam preferred to consume**; **the proportion of McDonald's**  
> You write an overview, but it is inaccurate.  
  
**Coherence and Cohesion:**  
> Although you use some cohesive devices, I do not see that you have successfully developed sentences to sentence coherence.  
  
**Lexical Resource:**  
> Check your spelling, like the words **"envisage"**; **priode**  
> It is always good to use word combinations, like adjective and nouns or adverb and verb. This helps you to score higher.  
  
**Grammatical Range and Accuracy:**  
> More errors in sentences show that you need to pay attention to basic grammar. Learn how to write fully-developed sentences  
> Learn how to use articles, singular-plural nouns, and commas.  
  
Hope this helps
## McDonald's, KFC and Burger King in Indonesia and Vietnam

  
  
The proportion of 3 popular fast food restaurants between young people in Vietnam and Indonesia in 2017 and predictions for 2027 is described in the pie charts.  
  
Overall, the ratio of teenagers sellected McDonald's and KFC in Indonesia was higher than that of those in Vietnam. On the other hand, Vietnam is predicted to overcome Indonesia in eating McDonald's and Burger King.  
  
In 2017, the proportion of Indonesian comsuming McDonald's and KFC was bigger than Vietnam's society, 60.8% and 23.8% respectively. But, the latter preferred Burger King more than the former.  
  
By 2027, apart from the previous comparison, Indonesian is predicted to decrease eating fast food in McDonald's and Burger King by 12.3% and 3.1% respectively. However, KFC will show moderately growth to 39.2%. In contrast, people in Vietnam are envisioned to increase their consumption of McDonald's and KFC around 57.4% and 6.3%. But, they predicted will reduce significant consuming of Burger King by 37.4%.  
  
*
**Task Achievement**  
> The introduction is good, but you fail to deliver the message clearly. You cannot start the discussion with **the proportion of 3 popular restaurants**. You need to change this into **teenager's preferences in choosing fast food outlets**  
  
> Be careful about the word **overcome** in the overview, as this cannot represent what you think. It is always good to check meanings of the words in English-English dictionary prior to using them in your essays.  
  
> It is not **Indonesian comsuming McDonald's and KFC**, but which is a fast food restaurant to choose when to eat.  
> You need to thoroughly understand the report as to avoid misconception about the data. This is not about **KFC will show moderately growth to**.  
  
**Coherence and Cohesion:**  
> You use linking words, but some of which are inaccurate. Instead of using **but** in the first sentence, you'd better use **However,**  
> Paragraphs are linked one another, but the messages delivered are unclear.  
  
**Lexical Resource**  
> The word combinations you use show misuses, like **show moderately growth**, **envisioned to**, **predicted will**  
  
**Grammatical Range and Accuracy**  
> You try to use complex sentences, but they are inaccurate since you fail to use proper conjunctions in sentences  
> You need to check singular and plural nouns  
> Beware of using articles.  
  
Hope this helps
## Oman and Spain Populations

  
  
The pie charts shows the percentage of Omani and Spaniard ages of populations from 2005 to 2055.  
  
The group of people aged 60+ years in Spain was the biggest proportion among all of the figures over the years. Initially, Omani aged 60+ years and 0-14 years accounted for 48% as the largest one but the percentage of aged 60+ years became the most populations at 57% in 2055. However, the lowest portion of citizens was people aged 15-59 years in Oman and people aged 0-14 years in Spain throughout the years.  
  
Apart from the previous comparison, Omani aged 60+ years and aged 15-59 years gradually increased to 57% and 6% in 2055 respectively. Similarly, the local aged 15-59 years in Spain rose by 18% in the last period. The inhabitants aged 0-14 years in Oman decreased by 11% in 2055, while Spaniard aged 60+ years and 0-14 years steadily fell to 46% and 12% in 2055.  
  
Overall, Spaniard aged 60+ years presented the highest proportion of populations in both years. However, Oman aged 15-59 years as the lowest position, as well as, Spaniard aged 0-14 years which decreased for five decade period.  
  
*
**Task Achievement:**  
> you attempt to write the overview, but you fail to use this accurately. The differences in past and predicted trends are unclear.  
> You select the details, but there is some misconception to understand the data, so majority selected descriptions show flaws  
> Be clear about the word **local aged**, This has a different meaning that you think  
  
**Coherence and Cohesion**  
> You use signposting words to signal comparison and contrast, but some are inaccurate  
> You write paragraphs clearly  
  
**Lexical Resource**  
> You use word combinations, but the misuse of which occur in some sentences, like **the most populations**, **the percentage of aged**, **five decade period**  
  
**Grammatical Range and Accuracy**  
> You use a reasonable variety of grammatical structures, but some of which show fragment sentences and comma splices.  
> Almost tenses show errors. Learn how to use tenses in the future time frame  
> You need to check singular and plural nouns  
> Beware of articles  
  
Hope this helps
## the comparison of Oman and Spain population

  
  
The charts compare changes in the number of populations by age of Oman and Spain in 2005 and predictions for 2055.  
  
The main facts that stand out are that the figure for elderly people in Spain showed its superiority over another age-divided groups while the figure for old people and young&children group in Oman reached the same level within the time frame. More so, in the next half-century, the productive age's group is predicted to dominate the Spain's residents which reverses to Oman's forecasting where the group, despite a slight growth, is still expected to be the lowest proportion of the country's occupants.  
  
In 2005, the elderly group controlled the Spain's inhabitants which accounted for well above a half-population and productive age's category became the lowest proportion both in Spain, even much higher, and Oman.  
  
In 2055, the aged people category in Spain is expected to decrease about 16% and still, will become the highest proportion of the country's occupants. In reverse, the same group in Oman is likely to jump for 9% and will control the country's population. Turning to productive age's group in Spain, it is forecasted to compete the highest population, with that number standing at 42%. However, the same group in Oman is predicted to be prevailed consistency.
**Task Achievement:**  
  
- You need to first include the picture, so this helps readers understand the graph and the report that you are trying to write.  
- You wrote the overview, but this is too bulky. You need to write it succinctly. I found many hackneyed phrase that make your essay become boring to read or hear. One of them is **The main facts that stand out are**. This can be categorized as a memorized phrase as more IELTS students use this in their report. To avoid getting penalized, then you'd better omit this. Creating your own sentences always sounds better.  
  
- In details 1, you select and describe the details, but you do not always support them with data.  
- **Turning to productive age's group** how do you gauge this as the productive age? It is unclear, and I suggest you make some changes.  
  
- Avoid the word " control" - it has different meaning as you think  
  
**Coherence and Cohesion:**  
- The report is not well organized. Make sure the overview describes the main trend and differences succinctly.  
- Some linking words linked the sentences are irrelevant, like **and still,**  
  
**Lexical Resource:**  
In details 2:  
- Using a journalistic vocabulary, like **to jump for** will not improve your score in Lexical resource  
- Instead of using this as a verb **it is forecasted to** , a noun combination is much better.  
  
**Grammatical Range and Accuracy:**  
- You attempt to use a reasonable variety of complex sentences, but majority are inaccurate.  
- Simplify your sentences  
- Although your errors are minors and do not affect the communication, you need to reduce them as to achieve a better score  
  
Hope this helps
## a true fear comes from inside

  
  
The impact fear has on personalities, personas and behaviors is a controversial topic that has gone on for a very long time; a topic that takes a political façade at times, and a social and cultural one at other times. I, personally, grew up in an environment free of political-related fear. However, I faced fears and struggles when it comes down to socializing. At a certain period of my life, I was scared of rejection as well as being put in a situation that is far off my comfort zone.  
  
First of all, despite always having the eagerness to explore the unknown, I usually had a sense of fear of failure, or rejection when it comes to dealing with people; a sense that was perpetuated by society, primarily my parents. Indeed, at a certain age when it was fundamental for me to take risks that can eventually end up in failure in order to build strong bonds with the real world and its turmoil, I had to change. What I did is develop this 5-second rule. This method consists of counting to 5 every time I feel reluctant to take on a challenge; by the time I say 5, I have to automatically make a move. Although it was tough and quite frankly unrealistic to execute at first, as time passed, I started feeling more confident when making tough yet crucial decisions.  
  
Furthermore, I had an unbearable attraction to places where I feel most comfortable in. If I am going out for dinner, I'd rather do it with my family or closest friends. When I choose where to seat in class, I would choose to sit next to a close friend or alone. Nonetheless, I knew I needed to affect change and I knew it needed to be tangible not just empty promises. Thus, I began putting myself on the edge with everything I do. If I play a Soccer game, I would do it with people I barely know so as I test myself under pressure. When leading a school project, I would find new people to work with every time. Overall, I had to put myself in different situations and test my response in each one. The results were impressive. Instead of feeling left out and ignored, I have built new relationships and made good friends. It was all about taking initiative in the end.  
  
To sum up, I find fear a common aspect that describes humanity; and although at times, that fear is created by external forces such as mainstream media, politicians or society's postulates, it is always possible to take a stand and defy such beliefs. I, myself, can say that a true fear comes from inside and if you can make peace with yourself and find motivation from within, you can defeat any fears that once seemed indestructible.  
  
**\*\*\* Please give it a grade out of 15**.
Topic:  
***International travel is becoming cheaper and countries are open their doors to more and more tourists.  
## Do the advantages of increased tourism outweigh its disadvantages?

  
(about 250 words)***  
  
Essay:  
People tend to travel abroad instead of having journeys to their own colonies of countries. International excursion is developing affordably and nation governments are permissible for tourism. This trend has more advantages than disadvantages.  
  
There are several advantages. The first benefit is communication and exchange culture. Foreign travelers can amass characteristics of local areas such as customs, traditions and beauty of heritages, so tourists will have chances to extend their knowledge and create positive obverse. Especially, business adventurers may set up trade transaction between two countries if destinations attract them. Moreover, unemployees will be provided with stable occupations such as hotel managers and waiters or waitresses. Finally, service industry will develop potentiallyand boost profits. The economy can be strongly promoted. For example, France acquires an enomous contribution from tourism every year.  
  
There are certain disadvantages . The first detriment is a significant increasing of crime such as robbing and not paying taxes. Criminals tend to evade abroad in order to delete resibilities. That issue may have infuence on security of other countries. Last but not least, environment problems are noticeable, especially air pollution. Tourist attractions accommodate a dramatic number of drafts. Travelers are from numerous countries, so they have diffirent awareness. For instance, Hannoi, capital of Vietnam is visited by a considerable number of tourists but it is the most polluted city in the world.  
  
Disadvantages are not as important as advantages. Both travelers and countries have their own benefits while detriments can have effective and reasonable solutions.  
In conclusion, this trend delivers more advantages than disadvantages.
Hi,  
Please consider some my comments on your essay.  
1. Firstly, I think you should not confirm that "This trend has more advantages than disadvantages". It is just your own opinion, so you should use "In my opinion, it might have more...". This way might make your essay more convince.  
  
2. Second paragraph: there might be have quite much point of views. I think you should only focus on two or three main views and provide some expanding points to strongly prove them. I think it was not really organised well. (btw I do not understand what you mean " The first benefit is communication and exchange culture")  
  
3. Third paragraph: I think your last issue due to foreigners coming might be not correct. I think the main reasons lead to environment pollution in Hanoi are construction activities and burning the straw (I am used to live in HN).  
  
4. I think it is easier if you organise the essay in a balance way in which you support for both sides.  
I hope they might be beneficial for you!  
Best regards,  
Hung
Hello please kindly evaluate my essay and give some opinios. Thank you all!  
  
*Task 2: Some people believe that teaching children at home is best for a child's development while others think that it is important for children to go to school.*  
  
*Discuss the advantages of both methods and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
## What's best for a child?

  
  
Answer:  
Nowadays, whether home-schooling or regular school system is best for children's development is a popular topic. I certainly believe it is important for children to go to school. The following essay will outline the advantages of both two methods of education.  
  
Teachers will make reports and communicate with the parents once the child is left behind or off track when they go to school. With supports from school, parents just need to confirm the schoolwork is up-to-date. Another advantage is children make friends at school and getting used to groups and socialized; as school is like a miniature society, there are different roles for students to play accordingly just like the adult's society. Children will learn what behaviors and attitudes they should have towards other children, teachers and parents could observe how the child is fitting into it.  
  
Others believe that home-schooling is much better for children's development because it allows children to spend much time for discovering their interest and talents. It is much easier for parents to schedule the daily plan as they prefer and make more time for children to learn various classes not only academic, but more of athletic or art. Also parents get to spend more time with their children while learning at home or with parents on side.  
  
To conclude, from the points I mentioned above, I personally prefer it is best for my child to go to school, although there are many advantages in both methods of education for children. It is the parents responsibility to decide which method they agree and that certainly will be the best for the child.
Hi there, I would like to provide some of my opinions on this essay.  
  
This essay is clear-structured, with one main paragraph discussing the benefits of home-schooling and another about that of going to a school.  
  
However, According to the promt, a) Discuss the advantages of both methods and b) give your own opinion should be given similar amount of elaboration. So I would suggest that another paragraph should be dedicted to the writer's own opinion.
## relax vs study time

  
  
Topic: In some nations, young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What the cause of this? What solutions can you suggest?  
  
In recent decades, it is believed that adolescents are facing the high tension in their learning and do not have much time for themselves. From my perspective, the phenomenon generates from two major reasons including universities' entrance and the cultural aspects and therefore governments should enact policies to restructure the education system as well as create more job opportunities for youngsters did not possess academic degrees.  
  
To begin with, the first contributing factor behind this issue is that the career target of young generation requires them studying constantly under great strain and on tight schedule to achieve their goals, which means they have to accumulate knowledge and broaden their horizons in order to pave the way for their future. Not to mention that elements of the culture should not be ignored, especially in a number of Asian countries where people and the society have a tendency to be more respectful and hold high regard to those who own qualifications, hence they put their learning on the first priority instead of taking part in recreational activities.  
  
To cope with this problem, authorities of the majority of nations should renovate the educational service in which students are allowed to opt the subjects that are the most suitable them and can help them in the later profession rather than study all disciplines. In addition, colleges could organize distant-learning courses to assist learners to reduce the quantity of work that they have to hit the books. As a result, they have more spare time for entertainment. The second measure could be attributed to this headache is that employers and departments of states should hire merit-based employees than recruit individuals with good qualifications. This action gradually sharpens the community's awareness that ability and experiences play a more essential role than just an academic degree.  
  
To sum up, youngsters nowadays spend very limited time on relaxations because of their timetable for studies. This is sometimes not the best for these students since they should have a balanced plan between learning and unwinding.
@Harry Nguyen  
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback on your writing.  
  
Good job on the content. The substance of the writing itself is quite good. However, most of your mistakes fall under the fact that you still weren't fully able to address to are related to the technical parts of the writing. For instance, the flow of your content still appears to be rather shallow because of the lack of appropriate punctuation marks.  
  
If you take a look at the second paragraph, nearly all of the sentences are excessively long without the integration of appropriate pauses. If you can address this, it will certainly help your writing to be a lot more organized since you aren't so reliant on just one angle of the discussion.
## More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are in endangered list.

  
***What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?***  
  
In recent years, some kind of animals are running the risk of extinction and having name in red list. There will debate several reasons causes and solution to deal with this problem.  
  
There are some essential reasons why animals are extincting and threatening. The first reason is human's illegal hunting activities. People hunt wild animals such as: tiger, fox, bear, rhino... to possess fur, leather, horn. Because they bring good profit for commerce. Futhermore, changing environment is also a noticeable thing that decreases the amount of wild animals. The environment is more and more polluted, so food resouces become exausted. The animals live in wildlife which do not have enough food to survive so they will attack and kill others to eat. Some places' weather becomes too hot or cold to exist. It also leads to the death of animals. Lastly, their habitats are losing because of human's destruction and natural disaters. People destroy the forest to own land to built their houses and cultivate and get the woods to make furniture. Forest fire, earthquake, volcano, etc...also cause the death of the wild animals because of lacking of food and place to live so the number of wild animals fall.  
  
Preventing and protecting are main solutions to control the causes above. First of all, the government should ban and punish people who hunt illegally rare animals. We should give the laws about hunting prohibition. If someone offends, they will be seriously penalised. We should protect their habitats by preventing people from illegal cutting trees. Beside, we should plant the trees and create the places to keep and maintain the the wild animals spicies. For example, in China, the government built the center to feed and develop pandas. The awareness of human is important above all others. Making some programmes propagandize for people to protect endangered animals.  
  
In conclusion, there are a diversity of causes that wild animals are in danger of extinction. However, there are a variety of solutions to solve this problem. So each of us should have responsibility to protect living environment as well as natural environment.
Hi there! I would like to give several suggestions:  
  
1. The first reason is ~~human's illegal hunting activities~~ proaching. (to showcase your lexical richness).  
  
2. Incorporate several simple sentences into one complex sentence. For example:  
The sentences "The environment is ... The animals live... Some places' weather ... " can be adapted into:  
  
"The environment is more and more polluted, so food resources become exhausted. The animals live in wildlife which do not have enough food to survive so they will attack and kill others to eat. Some places' weather becomes too hot or cold to exist. It also leads to the death of animals."  
  
The sentences "We should give ... If someone offends... " can be rewritten into:  
  
Legislations should be in place to hold poachers to account.  
  
Diversifying sentence structures can demonstrate grammatical knowledge to the examiners.  
  
I hope this helps. Best of luck!