dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**the purpose of business is to make money and they should concentrate only on this. do yo agree or disagree?**  
  
Some people argue that the main factor is focusing on profitable from the business way. Personally, I disagree with the statement because many other important purposes which can be done from the business particularly to reduce unemployment rate in the one of areas towards high economically rate and better life way  
  
First of all, the business is the way to create the new job which comes from own ability and it needs many skills likely research to invent newest product and also management way to regulate the important things which are needed. The one of essential factors in the business which can be explained is get much profit. I think that it is one important thing which will be gotten from creating business. The profitable way always can be connected with business because we can get profit from the product which has been bought in market and it is the direct connection which can not be despired. However, its factor be the main unessential purpose but there is another way which more important than ones before, particularly the reducing of the unemployment rate.  
  
The high rate of the unemployment rate is the most problems which must decrease in the life because it has many drawbacks for the economical sector. The business can be the most of best solutions to solve this problem because it can recruit other people to join in these businesses. For the example, the people who live in the crowded city where needs much life necessary which must be completed, so they will have many incomes from their work. However, the job in the city is very hard and sometimes the people not have the work and become unemployment. The high unemployment rate can be the serious problem in their life and also for the Government, so the solution to solve this case is making business which ca launch the new job field for other people who unemployment.  
  
All in all, I can conclude that the businesses have many essential purposes, such as profitable ways and to decrease the unemployment rate. Also I suggest that the Government must pay attention to the business way in the society to improve inhabitant skills towards self-economic life.
Hi,there are several mistakes in your summary.  
1.Some people argue that the main factor (**main factor from what?)** is focusing on profitable from the business way. ---> vague sentence  
  
2.likely research to invent the newest(superlative should be follow by article) product  
  
3.The one of the essential factors in ~~the~~ business which ...  
I think that it is one of the most important thing which ...  
  
4.the most (superlative) of best (superlative) solutions--> improper. you can use the best solution.  
  
5. ... in the life because it has many drawbacks for the economical sector.  
... of best solutions to solvethis problem because it can recruit ...  
--->you mention many drawbacks but you not explain more about it. in the next sentence, you also say about this problem which not mention in the sentence before.  
  
Keep writing!
Hello Yurike,  
Here my advice for you  
  
1. please you must check what 250 words look like in your own handwriting  
2 you must give example from your own experience if asked  
3. Use idioms and expression which image your answer  
4. Use punctuation correctly  
  
this my advice to make you has higher score:  
1. Read many essay topics  
2. Read many sample essays  
3. Know the right structure for all essay types  
4. Know when to give your opinion  
  
thankyou
**The process of air leaking out of and into the house**  
  
The process of air leaking out of and into the house which effect in the losing heat and the wasting energy process in the house that illustrated in the diagram. Overall, the process of air leaking out of the house comes from the electrical outlet and in the opposite, the process of air leaking into the house entering by circulation window in the each of home.  
  
Firstly, the process of heat is lost and energy wasted in the house comes from many room devices, like the electrical outlet, crawl space, and outdoor faucet. These things use many energies which then produce heat and finally this heat will encourage out of the house by the spaces in the area of the house and automatically air in the outdoor enter into the house which it is called the process of air leaking into the house.  
  
Secondly, another phenomenon is the process of air leaking out of the house which it can happen if there is nothing hot which is produced by other devices in the home and also it occurs by circulation spaces in the home such as the door and window at the home.
Hi, there are several mistakes in your summary:  
  
1.The process of air leaking out ~~of~~ and into the house which ~~effect~~affect in the losing heat (...) process in ~~the~~ house that illustrated in the diagram.  
  
2. These things use ~~many energies~~energy(energy is uncountable) which ~~then~~ produce (...) heat will encourage ( encourage what? ) out of the house by...  
  
3. it is called the ~~process of air leaking into the house.~~ --> to the best of my knowledge, based on Cambridge, leak is a liquid gas to escape . improper if you use leaking into the house.  
  
4. I suggest you in body 1 explain about types of enter ways and body paragraph 2 tells about exit ways of the air.  
  
Keep writing and break a leg!
Dear Yuri  
Here, my corrections toward your writing  
  
I found that there are several words are totally similar with the mentioned vocabulary on book, you have make proper paragraph to show that you have an array of vocabulary. If you copy 3 similar words from the passage it can be included as plagiarism, Therefore I hope you try to change any word from the question in order to get band as you expected. Furthermore, you have to able to distinguish whether it is countable or uncountable vocabulary, I found that there are several mistakes about it. Please do check your vocabulary before you write a word.  
  
Good Luck
The process of air leaks out and into the house which affects in the heat losing and energy wasting is illustrated in the diagram. Overall, the process of air escapes out by upper of the house, while the air outflow process into the house enters from down space in the each room of the home.  
  
Firstly, the heat is lost and energy is wasted in the house through the ceiling on the first floor and other spaces on the roof, then air escapes through the attic hatch when it enters in the middle room and also through two recessed lights which are located above kitchen and bathroom. Finally, heat will out of the house by the spaces in the area of the house.  
  
Secondly, another phenomenon is entire of air into the house is from several parts which located in down position in the house, like through the vents which have been installed in several parts such as kitchen vent and dryer vent. Moreover, It comes through windows and doors into rooms in the house through dryer vent, crawl space, and outdoor faucet.
Original state:  
**The purpose of businesses is to make money and they should concentrate only on this.**  
  
Nowadays, globalisation leads large number of companies in global market competition. While, the aim of the firm is to have profitability and they should only focus on this. Despite make money is essential for company, i tend to disagree in this point of view.  
  
Company always dealing on profit. It is mainly because as business the businessman have to earn a lot of money from company activities to operate their business and expand the production. For example, a businessman need much money to build the company and if it does not has profit enough, based on the business theory that is impossible as businessman can broaden their firm. As a result, without profit the firm overtime will collapse and get rid of from global market competition so focus on making money to keep exist the company is critical for company.  
  
However, in business operation many factors should be considered by company, because firm cannot survive if they only focus on making money. For illustrates, consumers go away from the product of the company because the firm does not consider about consumer need and costumer service or the rate of selling product decline caused by the company does not promote their product. In addition, the company can be banned by society if it does not care with public attention such as environment issue which is caused by factory activities so the firm should consider about others aspects such as marketing, costumer service, or corporate social responsibility beside profitability.  
  
To sum up, only focus on profitability is not best decision to company because to survive in global market competition the firm should consider many aspects.
Bams, in the opening statement, you accidentally created a hanging sentence instead of delivering a complete thought. Remove the word "while" in the second sentence so that you end up stating a fact instead of showing an incomplete thought process. Since you are presenting a personal point of view throughout the essay, make sure that you always take ownership of your opinion by using first person references such as "I, my, me" This will add to the strength and conviction of your statement / opinion throughout the essay.  
  
The flow of your discussion is logical and, although sometimes confusing, can be understood by the reader after a second reading. Your concluding statement is lacking in the major elements that would have made it successful. This includes a representation of the summarized discussion, reiteration of your opinion, and a closing sentence. If you review what you wrote, it is obvious that more information is required before the sentence can actually deliver a complete statement to the reader that can properly close the discussion.
Dear Bamb,  
Here, my corrections toward your writing  
  
1. Because~~Despite~~ make money is essential  
2. It is mainly because as ~~business the~~ businessman  
3. if it does not ~~has~~ have enough profit ~~enough~~  
4. ~~based on~~according to the theory of business ~~the business theory~~  
  
Note: Bams, my suggestion is you have to mention the mind idea in the first sentence, it helps people to understand what exactly you want to explain. if we look at your essay, you mention the mind idea in the middle of paragraph and it makes people hard to get your point.
hello, I think it is a good essay, and here is my suggestion,  
  
In my point of view, the lemma is a little bit weak. I think you can expand your thesis more border. For example, the reason of a company making money is not only for its expansion, you can discuss toward the aspects like the vision of a company or the living of those employees.  
  
Also, the conclusion is too short to convince the reader that the company should focus more than profit. If you can have some support sentences in the last paragraph, it helps a lot.
hello,  
  
first of all you have to give us what is the task question of this essay?????  
  
anyway here is my correction:  
  
\* is essential for company= is essential for **a** company OR keep your first word : is essential for **companies**  
  
\*... much money to build ~~the~~**A** company**,**BE CAREFUL WITH PUNCTUATION and if it does not has ~~profit enough~~ enough profit, based on the business theory**,**~~that is~~ it is impossible ~~as~~**for a** businessman to ...  
  
\*only focus on profitability is not **the** best decision ~~to~~**for a** company**,**because...
Reaching my 9th grade, all my friends had bought smartphones except me.I was so disturbed by the way they shared images and videos making fun of me.I had to buy one too, much expensive and much cool.I knew my parents would not give the whole sum of money, so I needed to participate to a drawing competition on our school to win for the rest of the money.That was the only option I I was good at drawing, but not that good to participate to the competition.The competition's task was to draw a portrait of a real person photo.As far as I drew only manga and comics were in my drawing books.But the way I wanted to prove to my friends and my parents that I was able that this detail seemed inconsequential.  
  
I started on easier photos to familiarize myself with drawing portraits.My first two photos were a disastrous failure much like caricatures.I was then so afraid to not make it.Drawing in breaks, in my free time and everything I could draw.All my friends had their own portrait drawn by me.They were so happy about it, anyway I was training.To continue familiarizing now shifting real photos to virtual ones in my head.Everyone that came to my head finished in my drawing book.I found myself liking more and more drawing.My drawings mattered to me and sometimes offered them as gifts to people I care about.I remember the gift for my brothers anniversary, his portrait which I drew with much consideration and that was so important to him.My drawings usually reflected much of my feelings and my thoughts.For a certain time I felt to be ready to participate.I participated to the competition finally.The drawing was not easy but the hard work paid and after 2 weeks they proclaimed the winners.I was the fifth and I did even receive the money I wanted.I was so happy and so honored by the way my friends and parents were congratulating me over and over.  
  
I bought my smartphone.But the pride I got was not to buy the phone but to win the competition.This proved me:one that I can achieve my goals and finish what I started, two I discovered my talent and three the closest people to me honored me.
Aimee, are you writing this essay as a part of an English exercise or are you writing this as a part of a college application? I am asking because my advice to you regarding the writing will vary depending upon the audience for this paper. If it is only for your English grammar teacher, then you have done well enough and will only require proof reading and format adjustment because the content allowed you to express yourself in a simple English grammar kind of way. Which is expected of a student just learning to speak English.  
  
However, if you are using this for a college application then, the essay needs more work in terms of story development, should be proof read more in order to avoid redundancies and inaccurate terms, and most of all, needs to be properly formatted so as not to stress the reviewer's eyes. Please tell me which of the two types of writing audience this paper is meant for so that I can properly assess your work and provide you with more relevant suggestions.  
  
The only consistent suggestion that I can offer you, regardless of the essay type is the need for you to break the essay down into paragraphs in order to allow the reader to have an easier time in reading your work. Right now, the paper is too tight on the page and becomes difficult to read as the story progresses. You should separate the paragraphs via topic sentences, using the enter button to create a space between paragraphs and topics. The enter button should be pressed at the end of each sentence that is discussing a particular topic. A new topic requires a new paragraph. That is a standard format that should be followed regardless of the writing audience for the essay.
The graph shows information about kinds of important communication ability which asked to workers in 1997 and 2006. The most significant facts from the graph are that skills which asked by surveyors divided into 2 types are internal and external communication. The most esential skill according the survey is dealing with people.  
  
As can be clearly seen, almost all of percentage of people who answer the survey was increased, besides selling a product of service was moderate decrease from 24 in 1997 to 21 in 2006. The most grow up percentage was listening carefully to collegues, from 38 in 1997 and rose dramatically to 47 in 2006. Otherwise, the ability of planning the activities of other just rose slightly by 1 in 2006.  
  
The graph also shows that dealing with people was most popular answer than other. Even the percentage of that increase from 60 in 1997 to 65 in 2006.
Hallo alfin kurnia.. it is nice to read your essay. However, i have found some mistakes in your essay. let me to give you severa notes!  
  
1. Why you did not upload the picture for this essay ? if you do not have the picture file just search in google and use the question as a keyword. If you could not find the picture just take the graph picture from book use your camera than upload it. You will make your reader confuse if you did not put any picture here. Please avoid this mistake in your next essay.  
  
2. You did not put any overview in your essay. You have to know that overview is crucial for ielts writing task 1. If you read band descriptor, even in band 5 you need to put your overview although it is not clear. You can use word "OVERALL" to give sign on your overview sentence, thus the reader will realize it that you already give your overview in your introduction paragraph. You can open this link takeielts.britishcouncil.org/sites/default/files/IELTS\_task\_1\_Writing\_band\_descriptors.pdf to know more about IELTS writing task 1 band descriptor.  
  
3. I also cannot find your measured in your introduction. Three main items that you have to concern on your introductory paragraph are You must paraphrase your question well, and you write the measure of your question, if there are further information about time and place you need to put those on the paraphrasing sentence. After that you put your overview in the following sentence, which depict the major changes or predominant things that you can conclude from the graph.  
  
4. For your first body paragraph, it should explain your first overview, and from the first sentence reader should be able to know how you grouping your essay. First, you have immensely unclear grouping in your essay because you did not put any overview here. Next, you have to make it with smooth flow sentece. You can use cohesive device to give a sign in different sentence.  
  
good luck :-) :-) :-)
... of important communication ~~ability~~abilities which asked to ...  
... are that skills which IS asked (PASSIVE VOICE) by surveyors divided ...  
The most ~~esential~~essential skill  
  
... people who answer the survey ~~was~~ increased (DOUBLE VERB) , besides selling ...  
... was listening carefully to ~~collegues~~colleagues , from 38 in 1997...  
  
dear Alfin these are my advice  
  
1. I found that there is little mistake in spelling such esential I think that the correct word is essential, it is better if you check first before uploaded.  
  
2. at the moment i read your overview, it is impressive overview however you should try to cover all content which is showed by chart.  
  
3. your body is good but i think it will better if you make good grouping body one and body two divided with specific content.
Hello, this is my correction for you  
  
The most ~~esential~~essential~~skill~~skills according (remember that the word "most" must be followed by plural noun)  
  
... people who answer the survey ~~was~~were increased,  
(remember that the subject is "people" that are plural noun and you must use plural verb too)  
  
dealing with people ~~was~~were most popular (remember that people are plural noun)
**The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
The electronic media has significantly developed over the last decades and it leads to the use of information technology being popular. While most people regard that this conveys negative consequences for the individual relationship between citizens, I firmly agree with that idea since it results in several serious problems for them.  
  
The advance technology has several positive impacts which are to ease people to communicate. It is because even though it is high technology, it is friendly-user so everybody can operate it easily. It helps people to share any information which is accessible for everyone. Furthermore, it enables to have a face-to-face conversation online although they live in different countries. As a result, the way of communication is changed to be uncomplicated while its cost is more affordable.  
  
On the other hand, it impacts on the alteration of human behavior which tends to be more individual. After many gadget applications are available on the internet, people more likely to spend a long period of time using their gadget, the trend impacts on their individual relationship. Although they have the opportunity to attract people around directly, they are too busy with their gadget and lack to attract with their family members. Furthermore, the relationship with people who live far away is more harmonious than close family since they tend to connect trough their mobile device than direct communication.Consequently, people will have a problem how to engage with society.  
  
In conclusion, while some argue that the relationship of people will be fragile since the existing electronic device existing, I keenly agree with that issue since there are several problems will be occurred.
Hi Lincoln, your essay is a very good attempt at providing you with a high possible score for the prompt. Your paraphrasing and presentation of opinion in the first paragraph is acceptable and shows that, although your language might be weak, you actually did understand the instruction provided for the discussion. Succeeding discussions might have some mis-used words such as "friendly-user" which should have been "user-friendly", but your discussion contained coherent ideas that resulted in an acceptable cohesion in the overall paragraph presentation. I applaud you for your desire to use a higher level of vocabulary and your obvious attempt at creating better complex sentences. Overall, I believe your band scores would be as follows:  
  
Task Accuracy - 6  
Cohesiveness & Cohesion - 6  
Lexical Resource - 6  
Grammar Accuracy & Range - 6  
  
Basically, I think you stand a pretty good chance of further improvement in your band scores based upon your performance in this writing task. Keep up the good work. You are getting to the point where you need to be in order to pass the test.
I can see the reason why did your essay cannot go beyond 6.0. This is because your conclusion is still unclear and it looks repetitive from what you have been written in the introduction paragraph. You didn't use your paraphrasing skill effectively for this part. Thus, to reach 6.5 or possibly 7 in terms of Task Response, you are suggested to make a clear conclusion with more than just a single sentence like what you have written in this essay.  
  
In addition, another essential assessment criteria is Coherence and Cohesion. In this part, if you want to reach 6.5 or possible 7, you need to create not only a clear progression in the introduction paragraph (which you didn't make. Actually, I would prefer to give you 5 for this part), but also you must write a clear progression for each paragraph. This means, a clear topic sentence and concluding sentence for each paragraph should be written clearly. This condition would be beneficial towards your final assessment later on.
## If superpowers were real: Super speed - Joy Lin

  
  
Flash is the name of the superhero known by its ability to run reaching 25.000 mph. Although it seems possible to be done by a superhero, it will lead to several problems when ordinary people have such special power. Firstly, it will burn our whole body thanks to we crash oxygen consists of small molecules at a high level of speed. In addition, we will hit anything in front us because we move over 1.4 mps and cannot avoid them. Furthermore, if we want to help the girl who will be killed by a gun and we move her body before the bullet hits her, she will be dead due to she move at the speed of light even faster than it.  
  
Source: youtube