dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Thong, how much time did you spend researching your response to the given prompt? Your writing comes across as not memorized but rather, a cut and paste of researchable information found online. It appears that you only posted discussion points but no real discussions as to the causes and preventive measures that can be taken to prevent obesity. This has resulted in a writing that is under developed, unclear, and lacking in proper presentations requirements and discussion points. You are not using transition sentences nor phrases.  
  
You also know that you will not be able to do actual research at the testing center since this is a pen and paper test and any terminals in the center will be LAN only right? You did not write this essay from a personal knowledge or point of view, which makes me wonder how familiar you truly are with the given topic. It is important that you use only public knowledge or personal information for these types of direct question essays in order to help you meet the time and presentation requirements during the practice test.  
  
Try to learn how to write about the reasons for obesity in a connected manner. The same applies for all your future essays, regardless of the prompt requirements. Connecting the discussion points help to increase your scoring potential overall. For example:  
  
*Junk food is one of the main reasons that children gain weight. When combined with a sedentary lifestyle, there is a tendency for the combination create an obese person. In addition to these two factors, one also has to consider the part that genetics plays in weight gain. That said, when a child is fond of junk food, does not exercise, and comes from a heavy weight family, the combined factors can definitely lead to obesity which, in turn, can lead to health problems.  
  
Health problems such as adolescent hypertension, high cholesterol, and vitamin deficiencies are caused by obesity. When a child is not fond of exercising, the chances for increased health problems such as heart disease also increase. Therefore, obesity presents more than just nutritional problems in an adolescent. It also places a the young person's health at risk. Therefore obese youngsters should be advised to lower their weight due to health considerations.*  
  
The above example shows you how to create a connected discussion of different topics, well developed in each paragraph. Each one connecting to the next paragraph in order to meet the clarity, cohesiveness, and coherence requirements of the essay. Once you meet a high score in the TA and C&C scoring bracket, you will most likely get a higher score in the remaining scoring elements as well. If you compare my partial presentation to what you wrote, you will see that mere discussion points , as you presented, do not really address the questions being posed by the prompt in the required manner and format.
## forgotten childhood love

  
  
That desolate market that used to be so bustling during the old nineties, stimulated the cherished memories of my begone past. The full moon illuminating the street where many young children used to hover about in circles. Under a dimly lighted candle some elderly people used to sit and talk about the current issues of the area and discussing innovative ideas to improve the young generation.  
  
After so long, I was here again. The road was muddy after a drizzle in the afternoon. My mind took me back in time where I remembered a girl with long braid who used to swing over her roof during the rain. Her wet face and pretty features were so attractive that I used to stare at her for ages. Just then, I remembered my own flushed face when I got a casual glance from her.  
  
Today, I smiled generously over my foolishness. In fact, It was a loser's smile over a forgotten childhood love.
Samana, this is a confusing piece of writing. It sounds like you meant this to be a poem first, a narrative story second. As I recall, you had this set up as a poem the first time you posted it. What made you change your mind about the presentation? The thing is, even though you changed the presentation, you did not change your wording. So it still came across as poetical but lacking in substance. For example, sentence number 2 in the first paragraph 2 abruptly ended. There was no subject to the verb. So that sentence did not help to move the story along nor clarify the meaning of the sentence.  
  
Just knowing a lot of English words, but not being able to write a complete and coherent sentence in the language doesn't prove English proficiency. The overall essay was just a practice of English vocabulary on your part, without consideration for the meaning of the sentence or the point of the story. That is why I found it to be verbally impressive but lacking in content and relevance in terms of story telling.
please @Holt check my essay and let me know my mistake  
  
**ART AND MUSIC**  
## *SHOULD STUDENTS STUDY ART AND MUSIC AT SCHOOL OR NOT?*

  
  
Although there are many people think that students should study the main subjects at school such as science and math in order to prepare them to job market . I have another view of theirs that music and art should be taken at school as the main subjects for the following to reason that I will spot the light on them .  
  
The first reason is that ,students should take all things at school even supplementary subjects because that will help them to remove the stress and negative thoughts. Some of students feel so nervous during the time of studying for the final exams , so they should have fun . Music and art can be that fun for students .Morover, it will be a gate for all parents to discover their childrens' attitude . Music and Art are so useful for their brains .Many finding says that "people who listen more to music or live in a music or art environment that will help them to live longer than who live an ordinary life " .For that reason it will help also our students to focus more in their studying because they have time for entertaining themselves .All that will reflect on students' personalities and their grades .  
  
The second reason is that ,from the studying atmosphere to the music it will be good steps for students because most of students forget their worries about anything by going to this field .Treating these subject as main ones will enhance their understanding of culture ,and they will know how to appreciate these things .It is not only that but also, merely that will raise a new generation, who may work in music and art , with different ability in future . Those graduate students will find different opportunities in their countries if they improve their talents well.  
  
All in all , Music and art can be the another gate for all if they realize from the beginning its importance . Schools should deemed these kind of subjects as main subject to improve their students performance and expose their skills which will help them a lot in their future.
Hi Rana,  
Here are my opinions regarding your essay:  
  
1/ The conjunction in paragraph 2 and 3, it is incorrect when you put a comma after that => It should be "the first reason is that...". But I think, if possible, you might want to change to a shortly firm like First; Firstly, First of all.  
  
2/ It seems like you are introducing one opinion in 2 paragraphs by reading the two topic sentences. Removing stress or forgetting worries sounds similar to each other.  
  
3/ You have a lot of grammar issues. For example, *childrens' attitude* => Children's attitude; ~~the another~~ => another, and so on.
Although there are many people think --> who think/ thinking  
  
i think writing "Firstly, Secondly", is more convenient. You should only use "the ... reason is that" once.  
  
Many finding say~~s~~ that  
"people who listen more to music ..." --> I think you should write "Listening to music or living ... helps them ..." or "People who listen ... will live longer".  
  
it will also help  
focus + on  
  
I think you have some grammar and vocabulary mistakes. And you should learn vocabulary more and write more to help your writing more coherent.
**TO BE HONEST, U HAVE A GOOD WRITING STYLE AND I LOVE IT, BUT I THINK THERE ARE SOME MISTAKES THAT I REALLY WANT TO POINT IT OUT FOR U!**  
  
**1.** The first reason is that,( the comma have to be deleted ) ...  
**2.** Moreover, it will be a ~~gate~~ ( while it should be an opening gate/door/ or something like that because when u say a gate, it is closing, not opening which can change the meaning of the whole sentence :) for all ...  
  
**3.** Many findings say~~s~~ attitude,Music and Art are so useful ( i think u should use another word because i've heard that "useful" is not a really formal word ) for their brains.All **of** that will ...  
  
*Overall, I see u have good ideas and good writing style. However, it seems that u don't write your prompt completely. In other words, u have to say what kind of this topic like "discuss both views" or " give your opinion " in order to me and other students, especially Holt can fix your essay :) !( if this is an IELTS task 2, u really need to write that! )  
  
So good luck next time ~ ~!*
## the competition issue among young people

  
  
**Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
My writing  
  
Some people are of the opinion that sense of competing is advised to be concentrated on youngsters, whereas others think teaching how to teamwork is more beneficial for them afterwards. This essay will discuss both views and I shall give my own opinion later.  
  
On the side of juveniles who are imposed of competing, this is a great method for self-improvement. When teenagers are forced to be in competitve enviroment, they will have tremendous motivation to surpass other opponents and reach the highest achievement. Therefore, this driving force stimulates these determined children to attempt constantly. Thus, they can be a successful individual with their restless efforts, which sets a good example for other teenagers and adults.  
  
On the other hand, teaching young children how to collaborate with other people offers more advantages for them. In modern society nowadays, in order to obtain a prosperous carrier, youngsters are highly recommended to work with other co-workers. By acquiring teamwork skills, teenagers will not feel isolated and pressurable because there are other ones who will support them. This technique also teaches them to be more responsible because the mechanism of co-operation is one for all.  
  
Personally, I agree with the idea of collaboration teaching on children. On account of teamwork plays a pivotal role in working enviroment, so children who gain this skill are more likely to be an excellent leader in the future, as they can understand how to use other people. In contrast, competing can have a negative impact on children, because those teenagers are always on the mindset of winning and this dilemma can lead to psychological problems.  
  
In conclusion, both aforementioned statements have bright sides for children. However, teamwork is more appreciated because it is an essential skills in modern world and it lessens the pressure and teaches the accountability.  
  
*I always have trouble with concluding. Can anyone have an idea/sample suggestion to polish my conclusion? Also, give feedback on this essay. Thanks.*
You have a problem with concluding because you forget that the conclusion is only a summary of the previous discussion. Therefore, your conclusion should be formed by 4-5 sentences covering the topic for discussion, 3 topic reasons based on the sentence topic per body of paragraph (POV1, POV 2, Personal opinion), then a closing sentence that indicates a close to the discussion. I will give you an example for this so it can be your template for your future concluding paragraphs.  
  
*All things considered, it appears that a discussion regarding the promotion of competitiveness among the youth is important to address. Competitive young adults tend to be more driven and successful later in their adult lives. Adolescents who learn about the importance of cooperation become better adjusted adults who know how to deal with various personalities that can be encountered. It is because of the latter belief that I support the idea of encouraging children to learn about cooperation rather than competitiveness. It pays off better for them as adults in the long run.*
Dang, you won't be scored lower for writing a longer essay provided your essay makes sense, has a proper sentence structure, and follows proper English grammar. The 5 sentence maximum is meant to help you write a proper essay length during the test. Ideally, for a task 2 essay, the proper length is anywhere from 250-275 words. 300 words will be difficult to edit within the given amount of time to write the essay response. That is also one major reason why you have the one topic in 5 sentences limit.  
  
Everything in the test is designed to help you score more and allow you to concentrate on the clarity of your explanation as opposed to the length. A long essay can receive a low score due criteria based mistakes. A mid-length or short essay will score better if the potential for a better criteria presentation exists in your work. Basically, the scoring potential is like this:  
  
Long essay that lacks clarity and grammar control < (less) potential for a higher score  
Short and clear essay > (greater) potential for a higher score.  
  
If you want a higher score in the test, then make sure you have written enough words that still allows you time to edit the final version before passing it for scoring. That is why you should try to stay within the 275 word discussion count. A mid length essay is always best.
## DANGEROUS SPORTS SHOULD BE BANNED OR NOT?

  
  
**Some people think that dangerous sports should be banned, while others think it should be free. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
My essay:  
Nowadays, there is a myriad of people believe that physically harmful sports ought to be forbidden. However, some groups of people consider it is ordinary and should be continued displaying on many TV channels. This essay will discuss both notions and state my own position.  
  
On the one hand, prohibiting devastating sports has few incredibly undisputable advantages. In fact, there are some sports really unsuitable for children like boxing and rugby to watch because of some bloody scenes. Secondly, a particular group of kids will imitate to play that high-risk sports while they are still young. For instance, everyone can search on the Internet and they will see a plethora of images about injured children playing extreme sports. As a result, if the government prevent these types of sports on time, they can constrain the many incidents, injuries or even deaths in the prospect. Thus, they can also avert children from  
  
mental problems like furious, psychological disorders, etc.  
On the other hand, I strongly believe that permitting extreme sports showing on TV shows and let people play in the real life has lots of amazingly undeniable benefits. First of all, people who are a big fan of watching dangerous sports will feel happy because they can now watch it. Secondly, some sports are not that hazardous like people think and can be played like skiing, skateboarding, dancing, or normal parkour if they have their professional P.E teacher. Hence, children can enjoy their passions and live willingly in their life. Moreover, while they are playing or practicing them, it could enhance their body health like endurance, muscles which mean they have enough energy or study at school and not being bored ( :) ).  
  
To recapitulate, both viewpoints are all correct but in my personal thinking that the positive outcomes of dangerous sports outweigh the dark sides.  
  
Thank for reading my essay and if u have any ideas about my mistakes or if this essay too long, don't be shy and tell me :D ( Have a nice day! )
Sup. Some mistakes:  
~~u~~indisputable  
group~~s~~  
  
Also shun using "like" in the writing as it sounds informal. Using "such as" instead. I want to modify this sentence of yours: "it could enhance their body health..." to their physical condition can be enhanced, such as endurance and muscles, which help them stay spirit in school.  
  
Overall, your flow of ideas is spot-on and well-orientated. Keep up with your good work.
Khoa. this is a 5 paragraph essay, you only wrote 4 paragraphs. You created a prompt deviation in the second paragraph, your line of reasoning is under developed due to your desire to discuss several topics per paragraph, all of which remain unclear in the discussion. Your point of view is good but should not represent the other POV as the instructions clearly indicate that you need to discuss both points of view and your opinion in the end. You are using memorized phrases like "on the one / other hand". These are the obvious mistakes in your essay that will immediately cause your scoring consideration to be lower than you hoped.  
  
Your second paragraph discussion was almost acceptable, had you not included a prompt deviation in the discussion that states; "As a result, if the government prevent ... psychological disorders, etc." This is a final point of view opinion that is not required in the prompt. Do you see any discussion in the original topic that asks about a government intervention within the given topic? No. Therefore, you are not to discuss such things as these are considered irrelevant details that, when added to the other errors in your writing, will result in a lower than passing score.  
  
Always remember to double check the instructions. When 2 POV's are required along with a personal opinion, that is automatically a 3 body paragraph presentation. One for each POV and then one for your personal opinion before the concluding summary. In this case, you only discussed one public POV and then a personal opinion, you are missing a second POV based on public opinion.  
  
Please remember not to use special punctuations such as emiticons and the term "etc." these types of essays as these are not casual writing exercises but academic presentations being presented to an examiner. I am not sure why you used emiticons in this essay but that is an extremely bad habit to get used to doing as it shows a lack of regard for the reader.
Holt, thanks for your feedback, but I still do not understand such as why I have to write 5 paragraphs. Why I can not put my opinion into the fourth paragraph and also include the topic sentence, reasons,bla bla bla. I know this weird but I have seen many 9 band essay with 4 paragraph only. So that was all my question.  
  
Thank you so much for your mind-blowing advice, I will try to take all your suggestions( especially the etc, you helped me alot :) ) to my essay!
Khoa, the Band 9 essays that you have seen on the internet are examples of work done by English native speakers. We are capable of writing in an advanced form of opinion essays that you, a non native English speaker will not be capable of at this time. That is why I am advising you to take the simple but safest road towards getting the highest possible score for your currently intermediate writing skills. I am only going to say this once. I am advising you based on a tried and tested system. The system that got me a band score of 9 when I first took the test. You see my writing style, it is a definite band 9 scoring essay. Your style is not yet up to that.  
  
I am trying to guide you from the bottom up. Do not reach for the stars when you have just started to learn how to drive. Start simple, follow the simple rules and work your way up from there. You already know the explanation as to why I am advising you to write a 5 paragraph essay.  
  
The prompt requirement is clear, this is a 5 paragraph essay covering one point of view per paragraph. The outline was fed to you by the original prompt itself. All you have to do is follow it. The clues to writing a high scoring essay is found in the prompt instruction line. Just follow it to maximize your scoring potential.  
  
This essay is about clarity and cohesiveness, both of which will be missing if you insist on combining 2 topics in one paragraph when you do not have the ability to combine discussions properly with the use of transition phrases and connecting thoughts / words. Do not over estimate your writing abilities right now. You have a very long way to go before you can even come close to a band 8 essay writing style.
## ielts writing task about playing sport

  
  
People have different views about the benefits when they participate in team sports or individual sports. While a great number of people think playing sports without connected with the others has advantages but i would argue that team sports is better.  
  
On the one hand, there are many benefits when people take part in sports which are played alone such as swimming, tennis. Firstly, sport player don't receive the help of anyone, they are more independent. As a result, they don't depend on members in team.For instance, they can play in their own way when sudden situations are happen in match. Secondly, the prizes of individual sports belong to a person, solo player are able to enjoy whole the prize without sharing it. Therefore, they feel satisfied and happy with achievements which they sefl-gain . For example, the winner of the sport competition will be glorify by spectators sport and they will be receive a lot of money.  
  
On the other hand, i suppose team sports has more advantages. Firstly, people have to connect with the others so that they can win the competitions, all people who are played in team will solidarity with members play together. Consequently, they achieve result which they are expecting easily. For instance, football players of U23 Vietnam team was supported mutual in order to overcome stronger rival than them in tournaments. Secondly, rule is one of the factors important to create a victory in a sport match of the team, team sports players learn the discipline and the respect. Therefore, gradully they become obey the law in competition and even in their life. For example, they are less mistake when playing sports. If people don't play sports with teammate, they won't open one's relationship with others.  
  
In conclusion, while individual sports is a possitive but i believe that team sports is better.
Firstly I would recommend that you should expand more on your conclusion, like summarizing what you mentioned on the body paragraphs.  
  
Secondly I personally think your explanations for main ideas in each paragraph are not very convincing. For example you said *"sport player don't receive the help of anyone, they are more dependent"*, which is not true. Besides other members, they still receive the help from their coach and their staff.  
  
Another one is *"Secondly, rule is one of the factors important to create a victory in a sport match of the team"*. I understand what you mean here, but it can easily be misunderstood that you think individual games dont have rules or regulations.  
  
*"If people don't play sports with teammate, they won't open one's relationship with others."* Again, there are other people in sports that individual player must work together in order to gain success, not just team members.  
  
Lastly, you still have some spelling mistakes in your essay like "sefl-gain", which should be "self-gain" or "gradully", which is "gradually" and grammar mistakes like "they are less mistake", which correctly is "they make less mistakes", or "law in competition" should be replace as "rules/regulations in competion". Cause I have not seen people usually use "law" when saying about "sport"