dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Question:  
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**With the increased global demand in oil and gas,undiscovered areas of the world should be opened up to access more resources.  
To what extent do you agree?**  
  
Word Limit: A minimum of 250 words  
  
Answer:  
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## exploitation of nature

  
  
In this modern era of massive industrialisation and technological advancements, a sharp rise in the need for natural resources such as petroleum and gas has been noticed globally. As the stocks of these natural fuels are getting diminished, many people are of the notion that we should try to search for the same in the unexplored territories of the world. I believe that this can result in a lot of problems like more exploitation of environment , global warming and even war between countries.----81 words  
  
Exploring the undiscovered areas for oil and gas will lead to more exploitation of nature. Many studies have shown that digging into the seas and oceans has caused severe damage to the marine ecosystem. Due to this, lots of marine creatures are on a verge of being extinct.--48 words  
  
Furthermore, combustion of petroleum products generates greenhouse gases which are one of the main causes of global warming. The greenhouse gases such as CO2 prevents the heat of our atmosphere from dissipating into the outer space, hence increasing temperature of our environment.---42 words  
  
Additionally, a more immediate adverse effect can be seen in the form of fights between countries to get the possession of those areas in which more resources have been found. The powerful and wealthy countries may engage in war to get hold of the newly discovered areas in order to outrun others in the race of being the most powerful economy.---61 words  
  
In conclusion, though it might sound logical to allow people look for natural resources in the areas yet to be explored, but in the long run it is likely to be proven as damaging to the environment as well as to the society.--44 words  
  
Total: 276 words  
  
I would like to have a writing feedback on the above essay written by me keeping in mind the criteria of IELTS Writing exam. If you are not an IELTS trainer, your feedback is welcome as well.
Riya, this essay will automatically get a failing score of 2 for the TA portion. That score is based on the fact that you did not discuss the essay in the manner that the discussion instruction provided. You were asked to discuss the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the essay. Instead, you discussed a personal opinion essay, without any reference to the original prompt requirements. Even your opening statement paraphrase is not consistent with the requirements of the TA criteria. You over complicated your presentation when it should have been a simple restatement of the prompt instructions. Let me show you how this should have been discussed in the opening paraphrase:  
  
*There is a growing demand for oil and gas on a worldwide scale. It is this increasing requirement for energy sources that has opened up the consideration of accessing oil and gas in previously undiscovered areas of the world. I strongly disagree with this action and will explain my reasons for opposing such a move in this essay.  
  
I believe that this can result in a lot of problems like more exploitation of environment , global warming and even war between countries. A clear example of this...*  
  
It is important that you properly paraphrase the original discussion because the TA section comprises half your total score. Make a mistake in that section and you risk not passing the entire test. It will be extremely difficult to increase your score in the remaining sections because your whole discussion will already be based on the wrong premise and as such, may not fall within the proper discussion context anymore.  
  
Do not focus on the word count per paragraph. Most importantly, do not make it a practice to write the word count per paragraph because in the actual test setting, you will not have the opportunity to do that. Just focus on writing the the most coherent and cohesive paragraphs that you can within a maximum of 5 sentences and everything will be fine. Aim to write the maximum number of sentences so that you can create more complex and less run-on sentences in your essay. Did you notice how you tend to not write more than 2 sentences per paragraph? That is a big problem on your part because that means you are writing only simple sentences. Add one more sentence and you could probably gain more confidence to start writing complex sentences. For now, practice writing 3 sentences per paragraph just to get a feel of how well you can compose English sentences. As you progress, add another sentence. Keep doing that until you find yourself automatically writing 5 sentences per paragraph already. You are guaranteed to write more than the minimum number of words when you start writing in that manner.  
  
Your concluding paragraph needs to be the along the lines of the opening statement. This gives you the opportunity to further prove your ability to write in English. Just restate the prompt in a different manner, summarize your points in the discussion, then repeat the extent of your disagreement in plain, simple, understandable English.
## Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of building a large factory.

  
  
*A company has announced that it wishes to build a large factory near your community. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this new influence on your community. Do you support or oppose the factory and why?*  
  
Nowadays, more and more factories are being built to serve for the massive production of large enterprises. Together with certain advantages related to the economy, the most concerned disadvantage is that it would cause detrimental impact to the environment. In this essay, I will discuss both benefits and withdrawals of building a new factory.  
  
The huge advantage of having a factory in the community is the creation of jobs for local people. The construction of the factory requires a big number of labors in the short time. After that, they need to hire both skilled and unskilled labor in order to run the factory, which create lots of job in the long time. This would probably promote the development of regional economy. Besides, when jobs are created, people will earn more money and their living standard will increase, which benefit the society.  
  
However, environmental pollution is the biggest problem concerning the factory. Many factories in my countries violate the rule of protecting the surrounding environment and do not follow strictly the process of waste treatment. For example, they often pump the waste into water or emit the factory emission into the air. Those activities result in detrimental impacts to the environment, polluting the air and leading thousands of marine animals to fatal death.  
  
If a factory were to be built in my community, I would strongly oppose to that plan. The fact that factory would pollute the surrounding area probably outweigh all the benefits related to it. Without protecting the environment, the economy cannot develop sustainably. Besides, people in my community have to breath the polluted air and eat fishes from contaminated river, which put the health of the whole community under threat.  
  
To summarize, running a factory brings about certain advantages such as creating more jobs and developing regional economy, but it also raises the problem of protecting the environment. In my opinion, it is clear that the detrimental effects of related to the factory would outweigh its benefits.
Kim, your essay will fail on the basis of your opening statement alone. You were not able to properly present the required discussion for the given topic. The essay was not asking you about building factories in general, which is what you discussed. It was asking you to discuss the effects of building a topic in your community and whether you would agree or disagree with building a factory there. The total essay was off track in the discussion because of the general terms you used for the discussion. You did manage to get it back on track towards the end but by then, it was too late. The essay had already failed in the all too important TA section of the essay and as such, will have a hard time gaining enough individual scoring considerations to actually pass the test. The correct format for the opening statement and how the discussion should have been presented can be found below:  
  
*A manufacturing company recently made its intentions known to build a factory within my community. While I will admit that there are advantages to building a factory in my place of residence, I have to oppose the building of such a structure. In this essay, I will present both the advantages and disadvantages of having a factory in the community where I live in order to support my opposing claim.  
  
One of the advantages...  
  
However, a big disadvantage is ....  
  
That is why I oppose...  
  
To recap and close this discussion...*  
  
Do you see how simple and on track the presentation should have been instead of the convoluted presentation that you have above? Always remember to highlight only the required elements of the essay. Do not fly off into a different discussion target because that tends to create a problematic essay that will not serve your purpose during the exam.
## activities of students in antipodes

  
  
*The charts show the Australian school leavers did immediately after leaving secondary school. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
My report:  
  
"The pie charts compare three activities that Australian students pursued right after they left their secondary schools in the three years 1980, 1990 and 2000.  
  
It is clear that pursuing further education and working were the two main choices for Australian students in all the three mentioned years. The number of unemployed students remained insignificant during this period.  
  
In 1980, half of the school leavers decided higher academic pursuit to be their first preference, but this choice became less attractive in the following years with 38% and 37% continuing their further studies in 1990 and 2000, respectively. By contrast, only 40% of students graduated from secondary schools took a job right away in 1980 but this proportion increased to 50% in 1990 to become the most popular choice for students leaving secondary school and reached to a peak of 55% in the last year.  
  
Meanwhile, the number of students being unemployed after school fluctuated slightly. Only 10% of the total graduates failed to gain employment in 1980. Although this saw a rise to 12% in 1990, it fell to 8% in the last year of the period shown."  
  
Please feel free to comment...  
  
*
Sarah, your overview is incomplete. You need to mention the three activities that the students did in particular and what the trend was over the 3 decades that was noted in the pie chart. You also need to complete the outline / summary discussion by mentioning what the instructions for the comparison and reporting section of the prompt are. It would have been better if you did not separate the trending information so that you could have maintained the complete paragraph requirement of at least 3 sentences in the opening paragraph. This is a required outline portion that is meant to show the examiner that you can easily understand an English discussion topic and that you have the ability to follow English instructions.  
  
Now, in regards to the number of unemployed students, it is alright for you to say that it is insignificant, but, as per the pie chart, there were actual percentages involved and these should have been mentioned because the information is vital to the analysis process. There is no need to enclose your report in quotation marks. Why did you do that? The essay does not include any dialogue as in a creative writing or narrative essay with character exchanges. Don't make that a habit. It will adversely affect your GRA score in terms of proper sentence development.
@Holt  
I have just revised the report as you advised. My latest one:  
  
The pie charts compare three activities that Australian students pursued right after they left their secondary schools in the three years 1980, 1990 and 2000.  
It is clear that pursuing further education and working were the two main choices for Australian students while unemployment played a minor part in all the three mentioned years mentioned. Working after finishing school was the only option for them that increased in popularity during the period.  
  
Among the three destinations, the number of unemployed students was the least at only 10% of the total graduates in 1980. Although this saw an increase to 12% in 1990, it fell back to 8% in 2000. Meanwhile, continuing higher education and taking a job took turns in order of being the most popular option for school leavers.  
  
In detail, half of all students leaving secondary school decided higher academic pursuit to be their first preference in 1980 but this choice became less attractive in the following years with 38% and 37% continuing their further studies in 1990 and 2000, respectively. By contrast, only 40% of students graduating from secondary schools took a job right away in 1980 but this proportion increased to 50% in 1990 and reached a peak of 55% in the final year.  
  
Please feel free to comment...  
  
Many thanks to everyone.
## let your hard work express your success

  
  
As the perspective of all people is volatile, some focus on the result and some believe to emphasize on a task they have given.I believe the focus should be on task irrespective of the final result.For the positive outcome, people want to do hard work, so that they will achieve what they want.However, if the people think about only getting success, then maybe they are not able to give out their all strength to work.That means, somewhere in their mind, there might be a fear of failure and that may engender the inefficiency in work.Although this is not a ubiquitous situation, some people might get success by thinking about it, some may not.  
  
There are a lot of examples around us that will definitely substantiate focus should be on work, do not think about the result.As we know the person name Mark Zuckerberg, a young millionaire who developed Facebook.Although he is not well educated, he has done that someone who is virtuous in programming is not able to do. If he had have thought that he is not educated so how can he do it, then Facebook would not be available as a medium of communication. He focussed on aim and not on the result.As a result, he was able to gain his desires.This is the best example I have known and he is an example of those who think that they are not able to do a particular task.  
  
Rather than thinking about results, utilize that time on pursuing your dream.If people started to think about only results, there would not be appreciable development in technology.Earlier day what we think as a utopian task, now it is actually present and we are exploiting it. Thus, doing something irrespective of result might not be helpful to get success, but it will definitely worthy.It will give you experience, get to learn something new.  
  
As a conclusion, emphasize your concentration on work, let your hard work express your success.Do not worry about the result.As we know Edison failed 99 times, that means he got to know that there are 99 ways that are not able to produce light.Thus, failure is actually an experience to do not do a thing that way and try to find another way.In such a way, people get to learn new things.Parochial your thoughts on your task only.
Shraddha, it would seem that you are trying to just write a grammar practice essay. There is no clear prompt, there are no required discussion elements. Am I right in assuming that you wrote this essay just for practice? If that is the case then you did not do a very bad job. The worst part of your essay, is the first paragraph. That is because there is no clear thought process involved in your presentation. There are a number of topics presented that could have been the prompt topic. However, you failed to make the actual topic clear until the very end of that paragraph. It is important that you learn how to create a discussion outline for the benefit of your reader, regardless of the number of topics that you hope to discuss within the essay. It would be best if you only outlined one topic for discussion.  
  
In the outline, make the sentiment clear. What is this essay going to be about? How do you plan to discuss it? How many paragraphs do you plan on presenting? Your reader has to be clear from the very start about where this essay starts and how it might or is supposed to end. In this essay, you had a tendency to run long in your paragraphs because you tried to write more words rather than focusing on making yourself understood. You do not need to use complex words that do not help you to make your sentences clearer. You can use simple words, expand on your explanation, and get the same results.
*Please help me check this essay!*  
  
## Causes of crime and solution

  
  
**Topic**  
Each year, the crime rate increases  
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity.  
  
**My essay**  
  
It is true that crime is a serious problem in most countries, in particular, the crime rate has tendency to increase annually. There are a variety of possible reasons for this, but steps can be taken to control illegalities.  
  
There are 3 main factors which people blame for the escalation in criminal behavior. The first and also the biggest cause of this problem is education deficiency. Several studies indicate that most of crimes were committed by people who had dropped out of high school or secondary school. Low educational background, along with parental neglect, often leads to the creation of more people with resentment towards society. Secondly, poverty is also a major cause of crime, people being struggling with financial problems tend to break the law more than others. Finally, alcohol and drug addiction could easily drive people to become offenders because they cannot control their behaviors.  
  
However, several measures could be carried out to tackle this issue. To start with, strict punishments can act as a deterrent against crime. A sentence of five years' imprisonment, for instance, instead of three years for the same illegality can make people to consider carefully before making any law-breaking activities. Also, education contributes to heighten people's intellect and to form a civilized society. With access to high quality educational services, people would be equipped with knowledge about how crimes have negative influence on their communities, as a result the crime rate will decrease eventually. Furthermore, developing a healthy economy can solve many problems related to financial status or alcohol and drug abuse because of the decline in unemployment rate.  
  
In conclusion, there are various causes as well as measures people need to take into consideration when dealing with crimes.  
  
*Thanks a lot!*
Phuong, your opening statement doesn't really follow the guidelines for the prompt restatement. You need to present it in a manner that preserves the original presentation of the prompt. It would have been better presented as follows:  
  
Crime rates are said to increase with each passing year. It would seem that there are several reasons as to why the crime rate is on the uptrend. In this essay, I will discuss two of the possible reasons for the increase in crime and offer a solution that can hopefully, help to lower the yearly crime rate.  
  
The reason that I specified a 2 reason discussion is simple. You have 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss your complete analysis of the situation. The division of the paragraph body should be:  
  
1. Reason 1  
2. Reason 2.  
3. Generally applicable solution to the problem.  
  
Do not try to present too much information in the essay. This prevents you from fully explaining your opinion in each body paragraph. It would be best if you focus on one cause per paragraph so you have 4 more sentences to build up that reason discussion. Then the 3rd paragraph can offer a more generalized solution to the problem. The general solution offers you a better opportunity to gain a better GRA and LR score when compared to several under-explained solutions to the problem.
## adolescents' health issue

  
  
In this day and age, the topic of children's eating habits and lifestyles is one which bears some consideration. It is the opinion of this writer that the weight of evidence is on the side of those who believe it brings detrimental influence to adolescents' health.  
  
The idea that fast food gradually becomes pervasive all over the world is of decisive importance. It is clear to all observers that since the breakthrough of technology which leads to the advance of food industry, people manufacture myriad kinds of pre-prepared food and junk food. It is also manifestly true that those contain more food additives and preservatives compared to the past. As a consequence, this can worsen children's health and reduce their life expectancy rapidly. According to TUOI TRE, Vietnam's leading news source, over 25% of people get cancer in the present day because of chemical substances contained in fast food.  
  
Another key component of this case is sedentary lifestyle, it deserves to be acknowledged that students have access to variety of state-of-the-art entertainment technology and prefer spending an excessive time sitting in front of the monitor. This situation leads to the increase of getting short-sighted and obesity in teenagers. An international study showed that if children continued doing more harmful indoor activities, they would have to face negative effects on their health, such as cardiovascular problems.  
  
A final consideration in supporting this opinion is the fact that present-day generation does not play more sports than in the past. It is of inestimable importance to understand that because of being busy studying at school and taking part in extra classes, students have no time doing outdoor activities such as going swimming and playing soccer. In a similar vein, the creation of new types of entertainment activities has attracted more teenagers, which leads to the decrease of people joining sports clubs. Accordingly, it is obviously the culprit of not reaching a wholesome life.  
  
Thus it can be seen that fast food, sedentary lifestyle and not playing sports can hazard children's health. Therefore, it should have been abundantly demonstrated that it leaves bad effects on young generation.
Phuoc, it would have helped a lot if you had included the original essay prompt and instructions that you are responding to. That would have helped me better assess the content and approach that you took in response to the given scenario. Truth be told, I require the information because your opening statement, which is supposed to be a paraphrasing of the original instructions, doesn't really tell me anything relevant about the topic for discussion, how it is to be discussed, and why it is necessary to discuss this. It is not very effective as it fails to properly outline your paragraph discussion topics. Your score in the TA section will be heavily reliant upon the way that you approached the complete retelling of the original topic for discussion and instructions related to it. Another observation is that you included researched information in the essay instead of just using pubic opinions and assumptions on your part. Do not use researched information as much as possible because you will not have the time nor opportunity to do topic related research when you take the actual test. Always use exam scenarios as close to the actual test center set up in order to better prepare for the test. Do not include information that you will need to research in order to present. Stick to popular information for all your essay responses.