dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi!  
Your essay is acadamic so you should use more acadamic words.in this situa tion you do not express youe oppinion yet. Instead you did try to illustate the idea that it is imppossible.  
  
For example, first paregh teanager life happy beacause give the reason then analysis.beacause they can enjoy life without stress.they di not have go to work. Think about money  
  
Pragh 2 adult are happy because they can do what ever they . Want They do not have to go to school. Do not have test. Instead they can do with thier money
## users of fancy mobile phones

  
  
The table shows the percentage of mobile phone owners using various mobile phone features between 2006 and 2010.  
  
Throughout the period shown, the main purpose of using mobile phone is making calls. But after the years, technologies are increased and developed new function of mobile phones such as Internet and record video.  
  
In 2006, each person used mobile phone for making calls and 73% of them used phones to send text messages and 66% of people used it to take photos. Less 20 % of people played games and music on their phones.There were no figures for users doing Internet searches and recording video.  
  
In 2010, all were changed. Using Internet function was 44% in 2008 and would increase to 73% in 2010. There was also a significant rise in the use of mobile to play games and to record video, with figyres reaching 41% and 35% in 2010. Using phone to take photos and send messages is little changed.  
  
*
Raimov, your overview summary needs more work. It would have been best if you combined the first paragraph with the second paragraph in order to create a more appropriate summary of the information in the report. While you reported on the figures for 2006 and 2010, you totally forgot to make a representation of the individualized data for the year 2008. That is the information in the middle of the chart, between 2006 and 2010. Without that information, the data you provided is incomplete, inconclusive, and misleading. Due to the grave mistake in your representation of the factual data you were provided to summarize, this essay cannot score higher than a 4. You must make sure to always double check the information in your summary based upon the figures you are provided. If anything is missing, your score will lose points and affect your overall score.
**Many young people in the workforce today change their jobs or careers every few years. What do you think are the reasons for this？ Do the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantage？**  
  
## young people change their jobs every few years

  
  
Nowadays, many young people in the workforce choose other jobs or occupations every few years because they think that this can benefit themselves. I do not think that the advantages of changing jobs outweigh the disadvantages from many aspects.  
  
There are some reasons why young people would change their jobs every few years. For instance, changing the workplace can help them develop other professional skills. Because it is more competitive for young people in the workforce today than in the past, learning more skills in workplaces can give them more job opportunities. Besides, this phenomenon usually results from the payment. If other positions or occupations offer a better salary, they are easily to change their jobs. In general, young people can get benefits from changing jobs or careers.  
  
On the other hand, changing jobs too often has some disadvantages. Firstly, this may post a threat to their job security. Employers are easily to think that they are not loyal to their companies. Secondly, if young people change jobs too often, they might lose chances of promotion. It could be seen in many companies that most managers or directors are experienced and have devoted themselves to the same position or company for several years. Thirdly, for those young people who are easily to change their job often, they have to spend time on searching a new room or flat as well to shorten their traveling time to work.  
  
From my point of view, there are both advantages and disadvantages of changing a job or career. If young people intend to change their work or occupation every few years, they have to compare the pros and cons.
Ke, it appears to me that you have a thorough understanding of the prompt requirements. Your discussions reflect some pretty acceptable reasons for the discussion and you were able to add a simple point of view coming from your analysis of the situation. These are all good traits in the essay. However, there are still a few shortcomings that should have been addressed.  
  
First of all, you never offer an opinion or a point of view in the summary statement. Aside from the paraphrasing, you should only offer an outline of the discussion to follow, without any additional information yet. The reason you should not include information in the first paragraph is the same reason why you are not allowed to introduce new information in the conclusion, you will be unable to properly develop the reason at that point so it is best to give it a stand alone, explanatory paragraph within the essay instead.  
  
The essay would also have been better presented and have more of an authoritative slant if you had presented only one advantage and disadvantage to discuss in separate paragraphs. It is not the number of supporting facts that you present to the examiner that matters but the quality of the supporting facts. If it shows a clear ability to analyze a statement and defend it in English, then your grammar accuracy and task accuracy will be scored higher.  
  
That said, you also failed to develop a proper concluding statement for the essay. Please refer to the reasons I cited for the opening statement for the explanation of the mistake in your concluding statement.  
  
Due to these reasons, it will be most likely that you would not score higher than a 5.
@reptile5566  
Since you already received feedback on the essay structure, I will try to highlight some grammatical/stylistic errors.  
*Because it is more competitive for young ...* - Because the workplaces today are more competitive than they used to be,...  
  
...offer a better salary, they are **likely**to change their jobs.  
*Employers are easily to think that ...* - Employers could be inclined to think that...  
...they have to spend time on searching new **accommodation**
## diarrhea instances figure

  
  
The line chart provides data about the changes of number of diarrhea cases occuring in Mashhad from 1983 to 1992. Overall, the figures of diarhhea cases dropped significantly at the end of given period despite fluctuations occur over time. Besides, they were at their highest in '89 while the lowest figures could be observed in '92.  
  
In the three first years ('83, '84, '85), they stood at 100 and remained relatively unchanged. The figure then rose considerably to reach about 190 in '96. A year after that, this was followed by a slight increase to the level of 200. However, this upward trend was suddenly broken and the number of diarhhea sufferings plummeted dramatically back to the initial level in '88.  
  
Afterwards, an enormous surge was seen in '88; fourfold higher than the former figure. Nevertheless, in the following year, a plunge appear tp 300 and the figure remained steady until '91. Interestingly, the figure dipped tremendously and hit the zero level of diarhhea cases in the last given period.  
  
*
**Hi Ainun**, I am gonna try offering a few suggestion for finalizing this.  
  
Firstly, please you try paraphrasing the question fully. Honestly, your sentence in the first was virtually similar to the question. If you wanna get a high score, you can impress an examiner through your skill for paraphrasing. Following this, you can again the score more if you avoid the language of changes in the overview. I mean that you bring that information to a meaningful description. For example,  
  
*Overall, it can be obviously seen that although the number of diarrhea sufferers had been more for the some of first years in the period, that condition had gone to zero at the end of period.*.  
  
On the other hand, be careful of deciding a position of the data. You wrote that the first three years experienced the stable position. However, there was clearly the information that only 1983 and 1984 were at the same point. You are supposed to pay attention to this matter because the examiner will think you have given the information inappropriately. That relates to coherence and cohesion.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you to improve your skill.  
Happy Writing.
@ainunazwaria  
*Overall, the figures of diarhhea cases ... while the lowest figures could be observed in '92.* - I don't think you can use the word "figures" with relation to diarhhea cases. You could say : Overall, the frequency of the diarrhea cases decreased at the end of the given period despite considerable fluctuations. It peaked in '89, while the lowest number was observed in '92.  
  
I would similarly replace the word "figures" in other paragraphs as well.  
*Nevertheless, in the following year, a plunge appear tp 300...* - first, the tense should be past (appeared). Also, I would use active voice here - ... the number plunged to 300...
Ainun, regardless of the minor problems that exist in your essay, those do not erase the fact that you still wrote an essay that can quite possibly, garner you a score of 6 in an actual test. So what did you do right which garnered you that score? Though your paraphrasing was simple enough to sound similar to the original, you had still changed enough of it to create the impression that you understood the topic for discussion. You need not provide a long winded paraphrased prompt if the grammar development is not proper. In this instance, your grammar score was helped by the fact that you kept your discussion simple enough to be understood and at least show that you had more than a mechanical understanding of the prompt. While your discussion could have used a more serious and creative explanation, the fact that you wrote this under time constraint and that you were still able to accurately represent all of the data in the essay, helped to boost your possible score. With that said, there was a slight error in your representation as the years of 84 and 85 had a very slight change, with a small increase in 85 that you failed to notice. Those are the minute data comparisons that you were expected to spot in the line graph but you failed to present in your summary. It happens, but it is better for your score if you train yourself to spot the small differences in order to increase your task accuracy and grammar range score.
Topic: **It is better for college students to live far away from home than live at home with their parents.Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## living-away student

  
  
There is an opinion that students should take priority to living away from home than sharing place with their parents.I completely agree with this idea for several reasons.  
  
Firstly,staying away from home means changing the living environment,which encourages the independence of students.Due to the lack of parental intervention,tertiary students have to deliver importants decisions themselves in tough time,by which contributes to their maturity and self-control.  
  
Secondly,some essential skills such as problem-solving skills are improved as well.The chance of making aquantance with others can enable students to build their social and interpersonal skills,some of which are vital to their future careers.Participating in extracurricular activities taken place in dormitory,or communicating with students from various backgrounds will definitely sharpen their soft skills and enhance their cultural sensitivity.  
  
In conclusion,living-away students have a variety of benefits which the family-oriented students hardly gains.
Hello, i'm here to give some assistance :)  
As far as I know essay must be no more then 300. But no less 200, if i'm not mistaken) So, you need to develop your arguments more.  
  
You should add examples for each state agree or disagre, it will support your ideas more.  
Also, it is nessesary to add linking words as : There is onother side of the issue, in contrast with the idea that ,a further convincing argument, and so on...  
  
You may find example essays in internet and see how they operate with linking word.  
In you conclusion, you should again paraphrase the topic subject and tell you final opinion)  
  
Hope, i helped you at list a bit ^\_^
@thanhdo  
Hmmm..dear  
  
"Gaining admission into college could be one of the happiest moments of any student, it's like taking the next big step. Exploring new challenges, meeting new friends could be all very endearing and the big decision to stay far or close to your parents is all a matter of choice. Staying with your parents could be all exciting and close knowing they will always be there but I completely agree to the idea that staying far away is a better choice."  
  
That's just a sample of a first paragraph. Your first paragraphs in an essay under the IELTS has to be a strong starting point.  
  
I would advice u go read up on IELTS booklets.it has tips to answering all questions in every section.trust me the British council doesn't repeat questions. I wrote mine last month. Just read and do ur best.  
  
I hope this helps
@thanhdo  
Hi! I am studying Ielts too. So have some advice. Fristy , in this prompt , do not say you completely agree.  
Because it will not score you higher .Instead tbat say in the introductory. The sentence is justified .  
  
And then pharapgh 1 give the idea why do you agree. Why do you not agree ad then third paragragh give your oppinion. Your paragragh 1 and 2 is the same .  
  
I mean it such as parapgh 1 is a big sentence and paragh 2 is a example . If in your way , paragh 1 should be more skills.  
Paragph 2 should be mature. Tr to use word consequently , therfore or so .you fer more grammar.It will make you have better score
Do, since this essay clearly asks you to agree or disagree with the opinion provided, you must clearly indicate that you are in agreement with the proposal by saying "I agree with this belief for a number of reasons which will be discussed shortly." Speaking of which, you are severely under the minimum 250 word count requirement, which will have a severe negative effect on your final score Always try to write the minimum number in order to at least get a decent task accuracy mark. While your discussion is sound and really carries weight, the fact that you are under the word count means that there could have been further development and justification for your belief in the statement. That is why I do not think that this essay can score any more than a 4 in an actual setting.
Hai @thanhdo  
  
I have several comments about your writing.  
  
Firstly, you write too short essay for writing task 2. You don't even write up to 150 words and it will lower your task achievement. Writing task 2 on IELTS requires the candidate to compose at least 250 words in an essay. Then, you should put some space after punctuation marks.  
  
Your second paragraph also too short (only consisted of 2 sentences). To make a good essay, it will be better to add an example on each paragraph (in this case are your second and third body paragraphs). Then, you should discuss that example in the next sentence.  
  
Last but not least, you cannot only write one sentence in your conclusion. Put some additional explanation to make it more clearly.  
  
I hope it can be useful.
## asking for a favor

  
  
Cambridge book 10, Test A, Task 1  
You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help.  
  
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter  
1 give details of your study plans  
2 explain why you want to get a part-time job  
3 suggest how your friend could help you find a job  
  
Dear Kate,  
  
I hope you and your family are doing great. By the way, I have a good news for you; I am coming to America in next April. Because I am going to start my degree at Indiana state university.  
  
Since my parents can only cover the tuition fee of my undergraduate course; I must find a part-time job to cover my accommodation and other living expenses. Moreover, the undergraduate course classes will be having only on weekday mornings during the first year: Hence, I can work in the afternoons, evenings, weekends.  
  
Moreover, I would like to ask you to find a part-time job for me, once I arrive in Indiana. It will be really great if you can find me this part time work at the place you are currently working; because we can spend most of our time together. I would be much obliged if you can give me a feedback at your earliest convenience.  
  
Regards,  
  
Nilendra
NIlendra, there are number of problems with this essay. The main problem that it has is that you only wrote the required elements of the letter, without considering the tone and presentation. Content-wise, the essay covers the basics, writing ability wise, you have a long way to go when it comes to writing a "friendly" letter in English.  
  
You need to be conscious of your grammar rules. University names are capitalized when written as that is the proper name of a place. You also need to give more details about your study plan in order to convince your friend that you will really need help once you get to the U.S.  
  
Bear in mind that you are supposed to be writing to a friend. Someone whom you have known for a period of time. Hence, the letter should have a warm and hopeful tone in it. Instead, you order your friend to find you a job. As if it is this person's responsibility to gainfully employ you somehow just because you are coming to her country. That is not how a friend would approach this. It has to be a request, based upon specific information. An example of how to write this letter would be :  
  
*Dear Kate,  
  
Remember how we use to kid about me coming to America someday? How you would love to show me around and help me get used to a culture so far and different from mine? We thought that was just a piped dream right? Well, I actually worked on making that dream a reality for us. I am finally coming to America as a college student!  
  
I hope you are as excited as I am. I will be attending Indiana State University this coming semester as a Journalism freshman. Yes, it is the same university that you are attending at the moment. The idea of attending the same school as you really has me giddy with anticipation for my coming school year. However, my excitement is facing a slight hitch.  
  
Since my parents can only afford to cover my tuition and school related expenses, they won't be sending me an allowance. They only agreed to let me study in the US if I can provide for myself in other aspects. So I was wondering, is there a chance that you can help me find a part time job?  
  
I know that you work at Bob's Burger as a part-timer. Do you think they can hire an extra hand? I'm available to work afternoons since I only have classes in the morning. If they can't, I hope you can help me track down other part time work possibilities? You know that I will greatly appreciate all the help you can give me while I work on assimilating into the American way of life.  
  
I'll email you the details of my arrival as soon as I have my ticket. I am looking forward to arriving before school starts so that we can spend some time together while I look for work. See you soon !  
  
Your friend,*  
  
Based on the above example, I hope you can understand why the score of your essay cannot be higher than a 4.
Hi @Nilendra  
  
. . . to America ~~in~~ next April.  
*Because* I am going to start . . . (don't start a sentence with "because")  
. . . my undergraduate course~~;~~ I must find a part-time job . . . (I don't think using a semicolon is okay here)  
. . the first year: Hence, I can work . . . (Instead of using a colon, I'd prefer using a full stop)  
. . . are currently working~~;~~ because we can spend . . . (you don't need a semicolon here)  
I would be much ~~obliged~~ if you can . . . (please check the meaning of "obliged"; it's inappropriate in your sentence here)
**Cambridge book 10, test A, task 2  
In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing.  
What do you think are the main causes of crime ?  
How can we deal with those causes ?**  
  
## main causes of the criminality rise

  
  
Criminal activities have risen all over the world in past few decades. This essay will discuss the main reasons for the former statement, and it will provide the possible solutions for those reasons.  
  
It is undeniable that most of the criminals in contemporary world use advance technological methods to their activities. Most of the crimes occurring in the present-day related to online fraud. Moreover, these online criminals not only trying to steal the money of the people but, they are after the vital information of other people and countries. For instance; founder of the wiki-leaks website arrested due to accessing and stealing vital information of popular people, and countries, over the internet .  
  
Furthermore, many people have died over the past few years due to gun fires. Most of the western countries, citizens can legally obtain weapons from the shops; whereas, in developing countries, gangster groups acquire these weapons illegally. Consequently, they use these weapons to kill their enemies, rather than solving problems legally or peacefully.  
  
However, most of these crimes can be avoided if the governments make rules and regulations to punish the criminals. In addition, if governments banned the weapons for the public; it will be really beneficial for the safety of the citizens. Most of the developing countries do not have rules and regulations to act against cyber-crimes.  
  
In conclusion, the increasing crime rate worldwide has alarmed everybody. Cyber-crimes and weak rules and regulations are the main reasons for this. However, governments can control this situation by introducing new rules and regulations.
NIlendra, there is a clear misunderstanding of the prompt which has led me to believe that you cannot score higher than a 3 for this essay. The main problem, is that you are not actually discussing the causes of crimes in the general manner that the discussion requires. Instead you focused on cyber crime and firearms misuse. Which generally are the accessories to the crime, not the cause of the crime. The main causes of crime that you should have discussed include, poverty, lack of education, lack of jobs, etc. These are the commonly known reasons for crime which are acceptable and easy to defend in this essay. The method by which these crimes can be dealt with would also be as simple as saying, improving the educational system, keeping people in school, encouraging them to attend vocational school, or having the government pay to train the people for jobs. Your response ran counter to the prompt expectations and did not really deliver an acceptable solution to the proposed problem. You have to first, understand the prompt topic and instructions before you can accurately outline the essay and discuss it. If you feel confused as to the proposed essay discussion, ask someone who has good English comprehension skills to explain it to you.