dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Anh, since this is your first try at the writing task, I will not score you based on the writing band. The reason I will not do that is because I would like to concentrate on pointing our the shortcomings of your essay so you can take note of them for future improvement. These will be the parts that you should be sure to show improvement on when you complete your future writing tasks.  
  
To start with, the introductory paragraph needs to be made stronger. Your paraphrasing of the prompt is not adequate enough. It is too short and does not supply the reviewer with a reference as to the discussion outline that will be undertaken in the essay. An example of an improved paraphrased introduction would be as follows:  
  
*While has often been said that exercise is good for the health, recent exercise trends have shown that the opposite of this belief may also be true. There is a growing public opinion that too much exercise could also be bad for one's health. As an observer of the growing exercise trend, I tend to agree that too much exercise could have negative effects on health. I will discuss my reasons for supporting this belief in the following paragraphs.*  
  
Kindly take note of the length of the paraphrased introduction. It must be at least 3 sentences long, properly sum up the meaning of the prompt, and deliver your discussion points for the succeeding paragraphs.  
  
You need to practice dividing your paragraphs by placing a space between the discussion topics. The current format of the essay places undue stress on the reader's eyes. Keep in mind that you are also being scored on the presentation of the essay so make sure to add spaces to allow the reader's eyes to breath in between statements. It also helps in the comprehension of your work and allows the reader to easily refer back to certain information within the paragraphs.  
  
Make sure to write a full 5 paragraphs in order to deliver the required number of paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5. You will need to adjust the content of your current paragraphs in order to meet this highly specific requirement of the writing task format.  
  
Please always remind yourself that your opinion is not considered the conclusion of the essay. Rather, it is considered either the 3rd of 4th paragraph. So that means you need to be able to provide acceptable information in support of your opinion. Do not rely on a simple concluding statement to represent your opinion and conclusion. You will definitely loose points for that.  
  
As for the conclusion, you need not make it complicated. It is simply the same as your opening statement. You should conclude by simply saying something similar to:  
  
*To conclude this essay it is important to take note of the fact that the evidence previously presented in this essay strongly supports the discussion that...*  
  
Cover your writing task requirements in the aforementioned manner and I guarantee that you will get at least 6 on your band score in all 4 sections of scoring.
Hello, I give my correction for you  
  
doing too ~~much~~many exercises also hold unexpected danger (the quantifier "much" does not fit with the plural countable noun "exercises", so you must use quatifier "many" in this sentence)  
  
~~the damage will be more and more grave~~(there is no meaning in this sentence because "grave" is adjective which must be followed with noun)  
  
~~Consequenly,~~consequently too ~~much~~many exercises  
  
which can ~~brings~~bring the best result (remember that after modal must use V1)  
  
thank you
Hello, here are my suggestions,  
  
1. You have to state your view- agree or disagree in the first paragraph, it is clear for the reader to understand your following article.  
2. Using the punctuation properly, you should use conjunction to connect several sentences.  
3. The require of word count is over 250 words in IELTS writing 2, you can try to expand your sentences by giving an example or explaining more detail toward your view.  
  
hope it helps!
HELLO. let me give you some suggestions...  
  
Actually, your writing is very short, so i cannot give you many comments.  
  
..., which produces sleep-promoting [**OF**] serotonin and melatonin.  
... to against sleepiness with the much ofprotein (Countable noun**so it will be >> many proteins** ) which can regulate ...  
  
Keep writing  
  
GLUCK ^^~
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.  
  
The turkey's*(it should be capital 'Turkey's meat'* meat has (...) make eaters **feel** sleepy. **Due to its composition that** contains the amino (...) sleep-promoting **, such as** serotonin and melatonin. The opposite *(it needs 'noun' to complete the sentence)* is the tryptophan that has ~~the~~**a** function to against sleepiness with the*('the' can be use to state superlative words, such as the biggest, the largest)* much of protein ...
Dear Yurike,  
**here my advice for you. your writing actually good, but you write so short sentence, so I'm very confused to correction your writing. while write sentence don't forget fulfill the sentence with complex sentence agreement. and there are certain error grammarar and i will give my correction for you. so, feel free to correction me to.**  
  
The turkey's meat has a bad ... > (**you can alter with this**) The turkey's meat has a bad reputation because to can cause eaters sleepy
Hallo yuri let me give advise for you  
  
The turkey's meat has a bad ... >>Turkey's ( use capital ) causing eaters sleepy  
  
in addition, It contains (...), whichis~~produces~~ producing sleep-promoting ...  
  
1. first in summary you should input the main idea including the most important data or key word because the best summary will gives much information to the reader and easy to read.  
  
2. secondly, i think that it is better if you write length sentences because passage will contain much information if they provide much data and main idea in addition this is will help you to exercise you writing ability  
  
3. thirdly, you should remember that to make flow writing usually writer use linking word or conjunction each sentence although it is slight tricky but i think it will more help full.
Needless to say, organisms use their own characteristic to take a breath such as mammals use their lung for helping them to draw in breathe while fish use gills for this activity. It is inevitably that most of people dream of swimming under the water without any hardship. They are passionate about the newest emerged technology that is able to extract the oxygen become some tools in order to people receive the oxygen consumption. In the bygone era, some researchers would predict that in the immediate future, people can dwell in the water without any harm. After many times, the scientists in collaborate with inventors made an advanced in technology to evolve this idea. Astonishingly, the result of their experiment came up with insect can live in the water for the long run with using bubble of air via the tiny tubes. By looking this animal adaptations, dwelling in the water for people become a common desire for most of people in the whole world.
Nina, once again you seemingly present a personal opinion in what should be an objective summation of an article that you have just read. By the way, were is the link to the article for our reference? The summary is good but lacks in actual information since you do not refer to the proper keywords, terms, or descriptions for the various options that you present in this essay. Who were the scientists who undertook this experiment? Where was it done? You have to refrain from making these summaries an opinion paper because your opinion is not called for.  
  
So do not use terms such as "Needless to say" because this connotes a personal opinion on your part instead of information coming from the essay. It also changed the overall focus of the essay from a summary to an opinion because you placed it at the start of the summary introduction. Always make it clear that you are just offering a summary of information and content and not a personal opinion. That is easy to do provided you stop using words that define the content as an opinion rather than a part of the information from the original source.
The chart talks about the relation between many people living aboard and the problems which they have. Overview, the main feature of the problems consist of three factors which is sorting out finances, sorting out healthcare, and finding educational institution for their cildren which happen in people aged range. Also the finding school for their children is the less percentage of their problem.  
  
Firstly, the sourting out finances factor always appear in over 25 percent which the highest percentage about 35 percent in range age of people is 35 - 54 years. However, the lowest percentage of this problem almost 30 percent in people over 55 years. The different between young aged and middle aged group of people by below 5 percent.  
  
Secondly, the highest percentage of sourting out healthcare over 35 percent in people middle aged which the opposite said that the lowest percentage between 30 and 35 percent in people over 55 years. The different of this factor is not sharply which the different of value by below 5 percent or same with the different of first problem.  
  
Thirdly, the finding school has smaller percentage of other problems before which it has the highest percentage approximately 20 percent in people aged 35 - 54 years and also it has the lowest percentage at below 5 percent in people age range over 55 years.
Hi, there are several advice for you.  
1.The chart(what type of chart; ex: bar chart,pie chart,etc)~~talks~~ about the relation between many people living aboard and the problems which they have and is measured in percent  
  
2. finding educational institution for their ~~cildren~~(miss spelling) which happen in people aged range. Also the finding school for their children ~~is the less percentage of their problem.~~ ---> i think the percentage represents the percentage of people, not the percentage of their problem . Be careful if your overview out of topic.  
  
3. ... finances factor always ~~appear~~stood at in over 25 percent which ...
Yurike, it is unfortunate that even though you write many times, your errors are still related to constructing appropriate sentences. If you keep writing like this, you can only get 5 in an actual test or even worse if your handwriting is difficult to read. Even though you are in a hurry due to time limitation, I suggest you to save at least 1-2 minutes to proofread your own essay, especially about spelling and grammatical problems. Misspelling "children" become "cildren" might not ruin the meaning and distract the clarity, but it is quite noticeable due to the place is in the introduction. Also, fragmented sentence (missing either subject or verb) like this *"The ~~different~~difference between young aged and middle aged group of people ~~by~~is shown below 5 percent."* should never be occurred if you want to reach band 6 or above.  
  
However, you need to also avoid making mistake since the very first sentence of your essay. The first sentence of your essay should impress the examiner by writing a correct and appropriate sentence. I am not really sure where did you get that word but I have never seen any sample answers that mention "The chart **talks** about...". It seems quite odd when "a chart" can "talk" isn't it? There are many other words that are possible to be used instead of this one. Those are The chart shows/describes/presents/reveals/depicts/illustrates/many more.
Hi, let me give some comments  
  
1. Make sure that you have successfully uploaded the picture in this thread, so the reader can understand about your writing.  
  
2. ... consist of three factors which ~~is~~are sorting out ...  
You mentioned about three problems, so you have to use plural verb.  
  
3. ... which the highest percentage is about 35 percent ...  
You need verb in that sentence, so I give 'is' for simple present form  
  
Thank You  
Keep Writing
Dear Yuri  
Here, my revision toward your writing. I hope it will help in your next writing. Please focus on how to structure your sentence especially when it comes to nominal and verbal sentence.  
  
INTRODUCTION: The chart illustrates the relationship between people who live in other countries and what problem can be occurred. It is noticeable that the predominant troubles are sorting out in finance, healthcare, and educational institution. it measured in varied ages.  
  
for the next paragraph, I think you have written every well. but please write varied types of sentence. You could use the verbal and nominal sentence to show you have many types of option how to express your idea. In addition, you should check and recheck your sentence to avoid misspelling.
**Writing Task 1 - Which communication skills are essential in your job?**  
  
The given table illustrates the finding of two studies, in 1997 and 2006. It aims to ask workers which the varied skills should they have. It is noticeable that in term of external communication, dealing with people had the highest number while listening carefully to colleagues was an essential ability to communicate with the internal party.  
  
Selling product or service skill was the lowest percentage over the period of time, it was at 24 and 21 respectively. However, the skill of knowledge of particular products or services increased slightly from 35 to 41 and it overtook advising or caring for customers or clients in the second position in 2006.  
  
Meanwhile, listening carefully to colleagues was a vital skill within the company. Its percentage increased significantly to just under a half in 2006. In contrast, making speeches or presentations was the most peripheral ability, however, its figure showed a slight increment by 4 in 2006.  
  
*
Lincoln, there was only one study covering 2 questions presented in the chart. So you made a mistake in your summary overview regarding that part of the information provided. You need to be careful when presenting information from the essay. You will be losing points for those mistakes. You should also have proceeded to divide your single long sentence into 2 sentences so that you could have met the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph for this task. Sadly, meeting the minimum sentence requirement per paragraph was a consistent problem in your essay.  
  
I am not as concerned with your grammatical problems as I am with the way that you were unable to meet the immediate requirements of the essay for one reason alone. You manage to include all of the required information from the chart in the essay, but in the wrong paragraph format. One major error can create a major deduction in your points. That is why I am very concerned with the presentation of your essay. Remember this, make it your mantra "3 sentences minimum , 5 maximum sentences per paragraph" and you should be able to meet the format requirement every time you write a task 1 essay.  
  
As for the grammar accuracy, don't worry about it. You did well in terms of presenting the information from the essay. Like I said, it is not the grammar that should be of concern here. Rather, the fact that you are unable to divide your sentences into proper complex or simple sentences is what you should focus on improving in your upcoming essays.
**Listening Summary : Artificial Gills - enabling human to breathe in the water**  
  
We all know that all living creature needs oxygen. When it comes to human, they could not breathe under the water, and sometimes drown in the water. For that reason, several scientists is in an effort to invent a device which enable human to breathe under the water for a long time. The former breathing apparatus, called scuba, is painful and heavy. So that, they need a device that can extract oxygen directly from water while swimming, and comfortable to use. The artificial gills, is the solution for this problem. To create an artificial gill, we need to find fragile material with big surface area, and we also need tiny tubes and valves to enabling divers to breathe. The imperative step is that we should keep the water move. The speaker, had created her own artificial gills and tried it in the swimming pool, and she can breathe for 45 minutes. In the future, the speaker believe that the device has a great potential in marine area.  
  
source : Cambridge
Hello Nda!  
Allow me to give you some suggestions.  
  
- We all know that all living creature**s** need~~s~~ oxygen.  
- ..., several scientists ~~is~~**are** in an effort to ...  
- ..., is painful and heavy ~~.So that,~~ so they need a device...  
- The artificial gills, ~~is~~ are the solution ...  
- and she ~~can~~ could breathe for 45 minutes....  
  
You have to put the link so people can compare your summary than the original, in order to make sure you are not misrepresented.  
  
Hope it helps you.
Hello, I give my correction for you  
  
all living ~~creature~~ creatures ~~needs~~ need oxygen ("all" indicate the plural noun, so you must write "creatures" and use singular verb "need")  
  
several scientists ~~is~~are in an effort (the subject is plural, so you must use plural verb too)  
  
the speaker ~~believe~~believes(remember the subject "the speaker" is singular)  
  
thank you
Dear Nda  
Here, my corrections toward your writing  
  
For that reason, several scientists is in an effort to invent ...  
>>> several scientists carried out the ambitious project to invent a technology device which enables a human to air in and out of lungs although in the sea.  
  
note: you wrote every single sentence perfectly, you used word connector properly while you used varied vocabulary. Furthermore, although you provide the brief explanation, it provide us with an array of information. However, you have to notice to your writing whether your sentence already provided and showed enough information before you are going to explain other topic
The table presents that the percentages of students attending secondary school types in three years of 2000, 2005 and 2009. Overall, the specialist schools, grammar schools and voluntary-controlled schools experienced decrease who students attended between 2000 and 2009. Meanwhile, the community schools climbed and became the highest percentage of students who attending secondary school in the same period.  
  
Between 2000 and 2005, the percentage of specialist schools declined roughly 1% from 12% to 11% and it had the similar pattern by 2009. In the grammar schools percentage rapidly dropped in the every period (2000, 2005 and 2009) slightly under 25%, moved at 19% and then stood at 12%.  
  
After 5 years the proportion showed several changes, While voluntary-controlled schools started getting fewer students (38%), community schools began getting far more students (32%) than this type of schools had 5 years earlier. At the last in 2009, the community schools had more than a half of result secondary rate and became the highest proportion among given pupils type.  
  
*
Ichaa, it is important for you to continuously represent the type of school in your summary. Specially in your last paragraph where you mention the digits for 2009. It seems that you decided to get sloppy and just gloss over the information by giving a worded overview instead of presenting the actual 2009 figures. For accuracy purposes, the essay must present all of the pertinent data until the very end of the summary. Otherwise, the summary becomes less informative and the process inaccurate.  
  
Additionally, the last 2 paragraphs do not meet the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences per paragraph. You can easily resolve that issue by turning your commas into periods. Thus making a new sentence for each presentation rather than making it one continuously related sentence, which is what the comma creates in the sentences.
icha, an exact data about the year or even percentage should not be appeared in the introduction paragraph of an IELTS task 1. An introduction paragraph is the place for explaining the question (paraphrase) and give an overview of the graph/chart/in this case, table. You have mistakenly put 2000 and 2009 a second time which indicates that those are the details. Your essay will only get 5 due to this issue. Please remember that "may have tendency to focus on details" is one of the criteria that is mentioned in the IELTS writing band descriptors in terms of Task Achievement.  
  
Also, be more careful in writing the data. If you write three or more than three data / percentage more than three times in a single sentence, it can be considered as shop-listing and this will not bring any good towards your essay. The examiner will see you as a person who cannot briefly summarize the important information properly. My suggestion is that you can just mention maximum two clear data/percentage to avoid such repetition and shop-listing problem..
**Some organizations believe that their employees should dress smartly. Others value the quality of work above appearance. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
The majority of companies regard that they should create regulation about how their employee dress while others more focus on their working performance than worker's dress code. This essay will discuss two points of view regarding such issue.  
  
On the one hand, the workers should well-dressed when they work in departments where they meet many people whether they came from inside or outside of a company. Those who work in marketing department have to dress properly when they have discussion with potential customers or investors as a measure to show company's professionality. Although the stakeholders are not familiar with the culture of the company, they know about that trough how the employees behave and prepare their appearance. As a result, employee's manner will help the industry to create a good image and increase its reputation.  
  
On the other hand, people who are employed as an accountant and spend most of the time on the desk should concern more on their performance although the appearance comes into the play. During working, they do not interact with their members unless it is really needed. Because of that, they tend to focus on duty and avoid a crowded situation which can distract their concentration. Consequently, they are not required to notice their dress-code since it is not important indicator which contributes most to their performance while their quality of work is above all.  
  
In conclusion, while some argue that employees who well-dressed can increase company's image and others tend to choose the quality of work as the key successful factor of a company. In my personal opinion, I believe that both aspects are essential aspects which cannot be separated
hello abraham.. this is my suggestion for you. hopefully it can help you  
  
**..., the workers should well-dressed when they work in ...**  
"should" is modal, and it is should be followed by v1 without indication singular or plural, and also it cannot be followed by v2/3 or adjactive.. so in this sentence should be added "be"  
  
secondly, i think, avoid to use "one one hand and on the other hand at the front of your paragraph respectively owing to the fact that it look like repetition, eventhought both of them have different aims.  
  
and then, be better to you if you put about your opinion and your reason in the introduction