dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## The most significant transportation innovation of the past 200 years?

  
  
In this information technology era, there is an increasing number of transport revolutions, but from my perspective, trains are considered the most remarkable transportation innovation over the past 2 centuries. The reasons of the statement will be discussed in this essay.  
  
First of all, trains have become dramatically convenient to carry goods and people due to the large capacity and the reasonable price. To begin with, since horse-drawn carriages and cars seemed to lack space for freights and passengers, trains have sprung up to ease the problem. Thus, instead of bringing merely several people or under a ton of goods before, now a train is capable of carrying hundreds of passengers and tons of freights involved. Additionally, the cost of a train ticket is reasonably priced, which is much cheaper than that of other vehicles in terms of long-distance traveling. By this way, entrepreneurs are likely to save more financial funds for goods' carriage leading to economic growth.  
  
Furthermore, the transportation may help to minimize the rate of traffic jams and decrease the time for traveling. In fact, the world population has increased rapidly, so train might be the key to an efficient way to reduce traffic jams' proportion. Specifically, the fewer people are using individual vehicles, the more road space there will be, resulting in reducing congestions risks. On the other hand, it is much faster for commuters to travel by trains. To make this point clear, through the history of upgrading steamed engine to electric engine, the speed of trains has been improved significantly, which is recorded at over 500 kilometers per hour at the present.  
  
In conclusion, I strongly believe that the innovation of trains is of paramount importance because of its beneficial impacts on human beings.
Do, there is an error in your discussion. Since you are referring to transport innovation and not cargo transport innovation, you cannot discuss the train in the cargo transport manner. That is because cargo trucks are used for the commercial transport of goods. The trucks are far more efficient and capable than the train. Granted that the train was the preferred mode of transport in the late 19th to early 20th century, that is no longer the case these days. Cargo planes and trucks have taken over that role in the commercial transport industry. So that reason is wrong and weakened your discussion.  
  
Your discussion about trains being an efficient alternative of mass transport is strong though and makes sense. Your samples and reasoning is sound except in the part where you said "On the other hand...". That phrase should have been omitted so that the sentence would have been more authoritative and supportive of the previous sentence.  
  
You also failed to consider that not all rail transport systems in the world as modern as you imply in your essay. Other countries that are not capable of modern train transport systems suffer in comparison and thus, negate your opinion that the train is the most significant transportation innovation over the past 200 years. The airplane or cargo trucks would have made more sense in this discussion.  
  
To strengthen an essay like this one, you need to pre-empt questions and possible counter arguments from those who have a different idea. Think of the opposition reasons I gave above and how you might have incorporated a defense statement in your essay paragraphs to weaken my arguments. That is called a pre-emptive discussion and often strengthens opinion essays that ask about topics as the one you indicated here.
**Due to the use of the computers and mobile phones, letter writing is disappearing. To what extent do you agree?**  
  
## the disappearance of letter-writing

  
  
In modern world, letter-writing is now replaced by the computers and cellular phone. I strong agree that writing thru letters is not popular nowadays. The birth of advanced technology made the old-fashion way to communicate cease to exist.  
  
Decades ago, writing letters used to be the only way to talk to your family or friends who live far away. Computers or mobile phones were not invented at that time. People write and send letters to reach out to their loved ones, but now, because technology keeps advancing, the easiest way to contact others is thru cellphones or computers. As a result, almost one out of ten people write letters to send messages. Most of them are probably living in a third world country such as India, where technology is not as advanced as the other countries.  
  
Personally, when I was in my early teenage years, I used to write letters to my cousins and friends to know how they were doing. However, when I reached fourteen, my father bought me a cellphone as a gift, and at that time, Nokia was the popular brand. Since then, I started using my phone to almost everything, but most of all, to send messages or talk to my friends and family. Because of that, I could not even remember the last time I wrote a letter to someone. Nevertheless, computers and mobile phones made communication easier and faster.  
  
With the disappearance of letter-writing, the use of technology, mainly laptops and cellular phones, is more embraced by the society. For that reason, less and less people use their hands and pens to write, but rather, type or swipe to talk to people from all over the world. Therefore, today's modern world is starting to lose it's old touch of doing manual love letters or invitations.  
  
*This is my second essay with a four paragraph format. I am not sure if I can use this format but 5 would be hard to make. I hope someone can correct my mistakes and grade, if possible.  
  
I made this essay right after my first post here. So you might notice that I may have the same mistake from my first essay.  
  
Thank you in advance for the criticisms. Feel free to be direct.*
*I think that the introduction is not clear about your opinion ( I don't really know that if you agree or disagree).  
The second paragraph just can't support your opinion, it's better that you replace it by the unconvenience of using writing letter.  
You indicated the advantages of using mobile phone or computer for texting but you should not tell the the your story in Ielts essay, it will compromise your scores.  
  
Trying to use more academic words.  
Writting four or five paragraph is all fine, but the important thing is that how you write it ( I think 4 it's better and enough)*  
  
- I strongly agree...  
- writing ~~thru~~ letters is not popular nowadays  
- The birth-> invention is better  
- People wrote and sent letters to reach out ...  
  
However I think should practice writing more and try to refer the model essays on the Internet.  
I hope you will study well and get high score on Ielts :D
Topic: *In many countries, people like to eat a wide variety of food that can be grown in other areas. As a result, people eat more food produced in other regions than local food. Do the disadvantages of this trend outweigh its advantages?*  
  
## benefits of food diversity

  
  
In the current globalized world, people have more choice to taste food in other regions and they even eat more globalized food than local food. I think this is a good trend, though it may cause some venerable traditional food disappear.  
  
Firstly, increased variety of food gives those people a lot of conveniences who have special requirements. For example, the vegetarian will find more choices in the supermarket, especially when they live in an area that vegetarianism is not so popular. This definitely improves their life qualities. Besides, more food choices imply more freedom on selecting one's eating style.  
  
Secondly, food imported from other areas will compete with locally produced food, which means that customers can buy food with the higher quality, under the same price level. Because of the competition pressure, food production business must endeavor to level the food quality up in the aspects of tasty, materials, and so on. Meanwhile, the business will try to maintain or even decrease their price in order to be more attractive. Such competition would benefit customers in the aspects of eating and drinking.  
  
However, some local traditional food may receive bad influence. Large globalized companies have more mature production technologies, which means they are usually far more efficient than those small local traditional food producers. In addition, large companies have more ability of advertising while the local food may only rely on a recommendation from person to person. Therefore, eventually, those traditional food producers are likely to disappear in this industry because of lack of ability of business competition. Meanwhile, it also means that the traditional methods of producing food, which makes up a part of local culture, will disappear.  
  
In conclusion, although the food diversity may disturb culture diversity, the benefits of food diversity outweigh than its disadvantages.
Lois, I believe that your essay has the right discussion intentions but unfortunately, it doesn't really match with the required presentation. Since you are being asked to represent the advantages and disadvantages of this trend, in order to defend your personal opinion on the matter, a clearer compare and contrast presentation, based on paragraph topic presentations was more required. A suggested discussion outline for this essay would be as follows:  
  
Body par. 1 - Advantages  
Body par. 2 - Disadvantages  
Body par. 3 - Final opinion based on personal beliefs  
  
You should keep your discussion general in reference as much as possible, without centering on a specific example or discussion such as vegetarianism because that particular example creates a different discussion. The general discussion could be done in reference to how the eating style of people in your country has changed. That is specific enough to apply to a particular sector but vague enough to not focus on a particular culinary lifestyle.  
  
Your opening paraphrase does not clearly outline the original topic title, basis for the discussion and thesis statement. A better wording would have been:  
  
*Globalized food sources have resulted in people having the ability to try foods that they did not previously have access to. As such, people tend to have a more international taste when it comes to culinary enjoyment these days. I believe that such a redirection in people's food tastes could be advantageous for several reasons*.  
  
Please learn how to use the concluding statement to a better degree in order to improve your score. While some people do write only single sentence closures, these presentations limit your TA scoring consideration. By using the closing statement as a reverse of the original prompt, meaning you will restate the topic for discussion, follow up with a summary of the topic sentences, then restate your opinion at the end, you will close the essay by presenting the examiner with your best closing discussion for the essay.
## Talent and success

  
  
*Topic: Some people believe that there should be fixed punishment for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.*  
  
My answer:  
  
Speaking of human success, we usually have a debate "It is impossible to make up successful people without a natural strong point, no matter how much effort they put on. From my experience, the effort is not everything and talent is heavily required to make a person extraordinary.  
  
From being born, every single person has at least one unique hidden talent or strength, which makes him or her stand out between hundreds of citizens. In terms of sport and music mentioned in the topic, it is quite compulsory for a human to have hereditary talent. For example, becoming a pianist or a singer. If he or she does not inherit or naturally own the sense of rhythm, keys, and notes in music, he or she will definitely find it difficult achieving those goals. It can be said that: effort, in this circumstance, have limited effects on their dreams, especially in sport and music.  
  
Nevertheless, in life, we can not deny a fact that there are a bunch of instances of humans who pursue their goals without or lack of inherited talent. Take a look at the most famous Korean soccer player Kim Ji Sung. Initially, people made fun of him because of his weak physical strength, which was preventable for him. But from time to time, he demonstrated himself that talent is only one percent in human's success. He is the first-ever Asian captain of the Manchester United soccer team in England.  
  
In conclusion, I agree that a hidden talent could be easier for us to gain our career position but there is an exception: effort is the big ocean, and talent is just a water drop of it. If you change yourself, if you always try at your best, you can be successful at everything.  
  
NOTE: I want to know how many scores could I get in IELTS Writing with this essay?
Firstly, the topic like "Some people believe....on the punishment" seems irrelevant to your answer. Are you writing about "agree or disagree essay" or "discuss both views and give your own opinion essay" with the topic as "a truly successful person without a natural strong talent".  
  
Secondly, for your introduction, I think you should paraphrase the topic rather than write it again. And it will be the good introduction if the kind of the essay is discussing both views and give your own opinion. But in this case, I don't know that.  
  
Thirdly, you should summarize your ideas that you presented on the body instead of writing something new like "effort is the big ocean, and talent is just a water drop of it. If you change yourself, if you always try your best, you can be successful at everything"  
  
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There are my feedbacks about your essay. It's just my own opinion. It might be right or wrong because I'm still learning IELTS. But I hope it can help you. Anyway, I think you can get nearly 6.5
Huy, since you did not provide the correct prompt for the topic in your essay, I will be unable to properly assess and score your essay. It is this sort of negligence on the part of the exam taker that often leads to a failing test score. This test will actually get you a score 1 on both the TA and C&C sections. That is because your essay did not respond to the prompt at all and resulted in a failure for you to discuss the correct message within the essay. At this point, one would be led to surmise that the rest of the scoring considerations will also be failing on your part because of the prompt deviation you created.  
  
Be very careful and always, double check the prompt in relation to your response. Make sure that the two always match otherwise, you end up with this type of essay and score. Had you taken care to examine the prompt against your writing, you would have seen that you had the wrong response indicated. If you leave a few minutes for editing your essay, you could have revised the content to become more prompt responsive. The problem is that you were careless and you only wanted to get over with the practice test as soon as you could. Which is why you failed to see the wrong argument that you presented in the essay.
## participation in sports during education

  
  
A school has two main functions: educate young people and equip them with essential skills for adulthood. These days, several parents generate a debate that whether or not the curriculum require sport as a part of a compulsory subject. Some people claim that doing sport in school flitter time and are not as useful as math or reading; the others believe that students take many benefits from playing soccer, baseball, basketball, etc. Sport is not only improved physical health but also promote mental clarity.  
  
Sport is a key leading to healthy life. A high schooler who attend physical education class is three times more likely be stronger and healthier than one do not. Hitting the gym, playing soccer or running mean we have to spend an amount of energy to keep our body work properly. Moreover, more and more doctors encourage teenagers to play sport in order to bolster their height and reduce risks of diabetes.  
  
Another advantage of sports is that providing youth opportune metal health. After a stressful day, playing sports consider as a physical treatment to reduce stress. Furthermore, if a high schooler takes part in sports clubs, he will be able to make some friends. According to a recent study, young people who take sports classes master critical thinking skill, work well with other people, and adapt to every condition.  
  
Although there are disagree opinion about offering participation in sports as a part of the curriculum, we cannot deny the advantages of taking part in physical education classes. Sports help teenager maintain health and also aggrandize mental clarity.
Kim, since you failed to provide the complete prompt instructions for us to consider your writing on, I will only focus my advice on the obvious content errors of your work. One of the basis of the Task 2 essay is your ability to use popular information, without required research. Your familiarity with the topic is seen by your ability to generate an analysis of the given topic, based on personal knowledge or experience.  
  
While this is an academic essay, it is not an academic research essay. Therefore, you cannot refer to vague results of studies or references to illnesses that might be helped by playing sports. These are information that require in-text citation and as such, will create problems regarding the validity of the information you are presenting. General information that is well known is always the best presentation to make in these instances.  
  
Don't overcomplicate the essay by referring to studies and doctor encouragement. Doctor's encourage people to do many things in relation to various health aspects, not just diabetes. So keep your references general in order to be more effective. If the prompt allows you to, use personal experience or knowledge to strengthen the discussion.  
  
Let me end this discussion by reminding you that in order to gain more valuable and insightful advice regarding the improvement of your essay writing skills, you need to provide us with a copy of the original instructions. Post it in the text box next time and I will be sure to give you the best and most relevant advice to help you improve your essay writing skills.
This is my application essay for the Semester at Sea program. I would really appreciate feedback on both grammar and content. I would be happy to return the favor. Thanks!  
  
Prompt : *How will your Semester at Sea voyage create (or enhance) your personal global perspective? Highlight your discussion by referencing at least one country on your itinerary and by explaining how your time there will further develop your awareness.*  
  
## Religion and Global Perspective

  
  
Religion, specifically Christianity, has been a central theme of my life since I was born. I grew up in a city where more than half the population was religious, and I have attended Catholic institutions since I was old enough to take my own steps through the hallowed school doors. While being aware of the existence of other religions, it was not until eighth grade in a World Religions class that I was exposed to the sacred traditions and practices of faiths from around the world. In this class I traveled to Egypt, where Moses freed the Jewish people from persecution and led them to the holy land. I followed Muhammad as he laid the foundation for the Islamic pilgrimage, the Hajj, and proceeded into the city of Mecca. I was beside Siddhartha Gautama as he achieved Nirvana beneath the tree, laying the foundation for the four noble truths of Buddhism.  
  
This class opened my eyes to the exceptional nature of the belief systems of the world around me. The depth of faith possessed by these religions was both fascinating and inspiring. Since learning the basic foundations for these religions, I have continued to build my knowledge of the multiple faiths that exist in the world around me. It is this fascination and admiration that has led me to choose a minor in international studies - where I can gain an understanding not only of the faiths themselves, but also what effect both in the past and presently they have exerted on culture.  
  
It is for this reason I am most excited to visit the port of Cochin, India on the Semester at Sea. While reading about religions such as Hinduism, Jainism, and Buddhism is captivating, the opportunity to see and converse with participants of these religions will enhance my understanding of the faiths and therefore enrich my global perspective. Through this adventure, I seek insight into the everyday lives of Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains. I possess a desire to grasp the spiritual depths of their faiths. By granting me the opportunity to see these religions in action, the Semester at Sea has provided me with the necessary tools to satiate this desire.  
  
For an international studies student, it is increasingly important to have a valid and well-rounded world view. Religion has been central to shaping the world as we know it, and remains a crucial aspect of life in the modern world. Through visiting the multiple ports around the world on the Semester at Sea, I will disembark a more aware and open minded individual. I cannot imagine a better way to become immersed in such a wide variety of cultures and enhance my global perspective than through the Semester at Sea.
Truth be told the first 2 paragraphs of your essay is all fluff. Lots of words, beautiful words, but it doesn't really jump off the page in terms of relating to a prompt response. Rather, the last 2 paragraphs that you wrote would be the better basis for a revised essay. You may use the last 2 paragraphs to open the revised essay instead.  
  
You need to explain more about your current global perspective in relation to religion and why your time spent in India will benefit from pursuing religious studies. Present a simplified study plan of which religions in particular interest you, why it interests you, and how you plan to pursue further learning exposure to those religions. What will you do? Will you visit temples? Speak to the religious elders? Join a religious pilgrimage? How exactly do you hope to develop your awareness?  
  
The current content of your essay is so vague that it can be considered nothing more than word fillers. The fluff does not do anything to help advance your presentation nor explanation. So if I were you, I would try to develop an essay that better explains your global perspective and how you plan to pursue it. Try to present an interesting, practical, and doable exposure immersion combined with a perspective increasing study plan.