dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Good work on properly restating the discussion instructions for this essay. Bad job on your prompt restatement. You have not changed the key phrase words from the original presentation. These words, that you failed to replace in the discussion you created are:  
  
- new railway lines for very fast trains.  
- on improving existing public transport  
  
Your failure to replace this total phrase presentation will affect your LR score because you are showing a limited range of vocabulary and an ability to write only in memorized phrases and words. Possible phrase replacements would have been:  
  
- high speed trains, bullet trains, modern speed trains, flash trains, among others  
- currently used people carriers, existing conveyances, people movers, among others  
  
Using alternative words from the original is a must for the LR score of your essay. The range of alternative words that you know would have shown that you are well versed or familiar with advanced or other English words. The way you used the original words, it doesn't help your score.  
  
You also did not any second person / group pronouns in the essay to indicate that you are considering the public discussion reasons as opposed to considering only your personal opinion of each topic. Only the 3rd paragraph should be presented using first person pronouns in justification of your opinion that supports one of the two public presentations.  
  
Clearly separate the discussion topics through the use of first person pronouns. It will not lose any points nor will it remove the objectivity of your presentation as you are showing an analysis of the given opinion through your writing and eventual personal opinion creation. Objectivity does not come from using the proper pronouns which are scored under the GRA considerations. Objectivity is part of the C&C section which requires your to show the clarity of your discussion via proper referencing of the discussion points using proper sentence structuring. That means, your personal opinion needs to be a standalone paragraph, before the concluding statement.
QUESTION:  
***Some people believe that teenagers should concetrate on all school subjects. But others believe that teenagers should focus on the subject that they are good at or that they find the most interest.***  
  
## Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

  
  
ANSWER:  
  
Primary and secondary pupils are suggested to master on the whole school materials as to have broadened point of view, while some argue that focused learning at the most favourite subjects is more valued for the youngsters since they will enjoy the process. I opine that both sides will give valuable insights with the appropriate arrangement.  
  
Having the responsibility to understand abundant school lessons will probably enrich the student's knowledge. However, it leads into under pressure atmosphere and is more likely to make the student do other activities during ongoing class to cope with stress. Taking an example, South Korean Senior High School students are forced to study for more than 12 hours per day, and it continues day by day. Thus, chatting with their friends during class become more popular in recent years.  
  
Interactive classes with one focused subject are more probably motivated the student to develop their ability since they are feeling happy. The comfortable ambience offered will raise student's creativities to create such innovation, which have a valuable function. For instance, since the 2013 curriculum had established in Indonesia, students were given the freedom to prioritize a school subject. This new approach is proven for increasing the student's invention in the last seven years.  
  
In my opinion, the curriculum should be given in the general approach to give the student a clear study foundation. Then, they allow to choose their favourite subject to be an expert to develop meaningful results in their subject.  
  
In conclusion, encouraging students to conquer all school subjects will benefit for the student's knowledge to tackle the future challenges, while a tailored one will bring the pupils to be a star in their preferred subject. The education ministry should consider the youngster's potential when planning a curriculum study.
Improving your grammar is one thing, actually writing an essay that applies to the prompt discussion is another. Your overall essay failed to address the requirement of the original topic. That is, you did not properly discuss the essay based on the 2 public points of view, prior to your delivering a personal point of view. You did not use the suggested / required discussion topics for the discussion. This led to the overall incorrect discussion topic and format in your reasoning paragraphs.  
  
The topics for discussion are:  
- teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects.  
- teenagers should focus on the subject that they are good at or that they find the most interest.  
- give your opinion based on a comparison of the two discussion points.  
  
Your opinion must be based on the comparative points, proving a side of the discussion you support instead of developing a point of view that is not indicated in the original prompt. You are not to deviate from the original prompt topics and discussion format. Your opinion should not be stated at the end of the paraphrase as you have not compared the positive and negative elements of the two discussion topics yet. Hence, you are not yet capable of making an informed opinion.  
  
Your synonyms are incorrect. Primary students have no place in the discussion. Only secondary students, young adults, youngsters, or adolescents may be referred to in the essay since it refers to teenagers. Stay on point and do not make a mistake with synonym usage. That will affect your LR score.  
  
Like I said, your discussion points are incorrect since you are not using the given topics from the original prompt. I cannot review your essay beyond this point because of the error in discussion topic and format. Both of which resulted in a prompt alteration on your part. The essay is incorrect overall.
Task 2: ***People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks. Why?***  
## What can be done to reduce sugary drink consumption?

  
  
There is no arguing that when residents live in modern society, drinks containing carbohydrates have been consumed increasingly prevalent. This essay will outline a number of reasons for this trend and several possible solutions to help tackle the issue.  
  
One of the main causes of this problem is that When a nation's economy developed, this leads to unhealthy habits or hobbies, as a result, the demand of consumers especially youngsters who prefer drinks with a high glycemic index to traditional drinks. For example, in the US, Almost elementary pupils have been equipped with chocolate bars or soft drinks while they go to school, and they argue that it has become a popular trend or even a habit on a daily basis. In addition, Advertisement exerts a great influence on purchasing and using rich in high glycemic items. Corporations have private strategies to raise the sale of sugar-based drinks by advertising from TV to newspapers. For instance, some social experts argue that in recent years children using the internet as a part of their life. Unfortunately, companies producing sugary drinks create plenty of advertising posts through Facebook and Youtube which are regarded as one of the most prevalent websites have a lot of interest in children.  
  
However, high-glycemic drinks are more likely to pose serious health implications such as diabetes or hypertension therefore governments need to adopt a number of viable solutions to deal with this problem. First and foremost, authorities should exert pressure on the producer in this field by increasing the tax of sugary products, this can decline the levels of production of drinks containing too much sugar. One particular example in France, the government has raised the tax in the production of soft drinks year-on-year, resulting in pushing up the price of soft drink items to restrict the demands of consumers. Second, state subsidies that should be invested to encourage their citizens can cut down using sugary drinks by informing some serious effects via newspapers or social media or organizing some health-related events in the universities or academic institutions.  
  
In conclusion, the habits of young people's lifestyles and advertisements in order to maximize profits are two main reasons for using more and more soft drinks. But effectively mentioned measures need to be taken to tackle these problems.
you have to remember that you are not being scored on the length of your essay. So writing 379 words for a 40 minute task is useless. You should only be writing a reasonable number of words, between 275-290 words, to allow you to have ample time for editing and revising procedures during the actual test. The length of the essay will not dictate the final score, it will be your writing skills that will do that. By writing too many words, you are risking creating more errors in the presentation. Less words = less mistakes. Remember that. That is the best way to increase your scoring potential.  
  
Your prompt paraphrase is totally off base. You are not properly paraphrasing the content of the original presentation and, you are deviating from the prompt by indicating an argument exists where the original only points to a discussion. You will definitely lose major points for changing the prompt topic from the original in such a bad manner.  
  
The original discussion offers 2 direct questions. To properly format your prompt paraphrase, you must give a direct response to both questions. These direct responses shall be considered the overview or outline for your 2 reasoning paragraphs. You are not even trying to offer a proper response at this point. The format for your opening paragraph is completely incorrect. Your TA score will suffer because of it.  
  
You are careless with your writing. You should know enough about English grammar rules at this point to know when and when not to use word capitalization. You are sloppy and will lose GRA points because of this lack of interest in presenting a properly formatted essay. You have presented several discussion points throughout the essay that are not properly developed. You are focusing on the wrong aspect of the presentation. You must focus on properly and clearly explaining the cause and solution in the essay. One cause, one solution. You do not need to present several under developed discussions as you did in this essay. You only need one fully developed explanation for the reason and solution. That is all that is required.  
  
The undue focus on creating a lengthy essay, along with several spelling, clarity, conciseness, and vocabulary problems in your presentation, all of which could have been avoided had you concentrated on quality instead of quantity with your writing, are the main reasons that this essay will not achieve a passing score.  
  
Avoid the use of memorized phrases and overused phrases such as "First and foremost". Try to show a more advanced vocabulary by using alternative terms such as "Primarily". Do not just use adjectives for the sake of using adjectives. Use an adjective to add clarity to your presentation (a great influence = an enormous influence).  
  
Get out of the practice of writing long essays. Unless you are sure that you are not committing other errors that can lower your score considerably, it would be better to simply write less, or within the advised number of words, to avoid forced errors in your presentation.
- You shouldn't capitalize words in the middle of the sentence unless they are proper names.  
- You should split your sentences to make them easier to follow.  
- You stated that economic development has led to unhealthy eating habits but you didn't show how it was the case in following sentences. Thus, I think you should remove economic development and focus on unhealthy eating habits leading to increased consumption of sugar-rich products.  
  
- You need to moderate your second example in the first body paragraph so it would fully support your idea.  
(people are exposing to advertisement everyday -> people increasingly want to drink high sugar drinks)
Your essay is quite nice with various technical terms.  
However, there are some errors.  
  
1. You should re-read if it is coherent in particular using signpost, for example, "for example" after "as a result" in BP1.  
2. Be careful with unnecessary capital letter.  
3. Choose appropriate and academic vocab ("too much" X, "But," no good for the beginning of sentences, "using X more and more soft drink").  
4. Avoid repetition (e.g. reason)  
5. Don't forget to add hedging words unless you put a relevant evidence (...to maximize profits are two main reasons for using...).  
6. Grammar errors in complex long sentences (...When a nation's economy developed, this leads...).  
6. Match word limit (250 words +-10%).  
  
Good luck ;)
1.It might be better to state brief and clear explanation at the first introduction paragraph.  
Give your reason about why people tend to consume more sugar based drink and also the solution, as to make the reader understand what you will discuss.  
  
2.1 paragraph, 1 idea  
3.Body paragraph 1 : too much word, and better if you give 1 example with well develop idea.  
4.Conclusion : try to paraphrase the introduction paragaprah, give your reason and put your idea/opinion in end as to prevent from the repetition
## WASTE disposal

  
  
A comparison of household expenditure in New Zealand and UK between 1980 and 2008 is presented in the chart.  
Overall, food and drink expenditure percentage showed a decline over 28 years period, while utility expenditure was the reverse. Also, UK residents tend to spend their budgets more on leisure than New Zealander.  
  
Initially, larger proportion for households spending in New Zealand was on food and drink with 29%, and the parallel figure for UK was 23%. By 2008, a slightly decreased in food and drink budget in New Zealand and UK, with 4 % respectively. By contrast, both countries utility budget showed an increased from 27% to 31% in New Zealand and from 26% to 28% in the UK.  
  
Money spent for picnic was the highest demand in UK, both 1980 and 2008. In contrast, it became third in New Zealand. In fact, there was a half in proportion differences between those who like to spend their money on vacation in both countries. Eventually, transport cost and other cost had roughly 10% and 15% bills respectively.  
  
(176 words)  
  
*
I have some recommendations about your essay as follow:  
  
- I think that you posted the wrong diagram.  
  
- Your sentence has some errors:  
  
'Initially, ~~larger~~ the larger/a large proportion for ... By 2008,**there was**a ~~slightly~~ slight decreased in ... with 4 % **and..**. respectively.  
  
'Money spent for picnic ~~was the high~~est demand accounted for the largest proportion of budget/expenditure in UK, both **in** 1980 and 2008  
  
'there was a half in proportion differences ' I think you should revise this phase as I can't understand your ideas here.
Since you did not upload the correct image, I will not be able to review and advise you regarding content and presentation improvements in your report. I'll be limited to general review.  
  
You should be presenting a trending statement based only on 1 upward or downward trend in the chart. You should not be presenting a trend for every group presented. That is already a paragraph, not a trending statement.  
  
You have to make sure to refer to the information within the right time frame. Practice past tense sentence structures when you do your general writing exercises. Always look at the dates. When you are dealing with previous years, those are always done in past tense. Your essay suffers in clarity and grammar range problems because of this problem that you have. You are reporting past data in present tense. That is incorrect.
## consumer expenditures statistics

  
  
The table chart illustrates information on consumer expenditure on items: food, dinks, tobacco, clothing, footwear, leisure and education in five distinct countries in the year 2002  
  
Overall, food, drinks and tobacco are the most item was spent on by the people in 5 countries. Clothing and footwear were bought most by the Italian whereas the least amount of money was spent on leisure and education in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey.  
  
Looking at the table, it is clear that the Irish and the Turkish spent more money on food, drinks and tobacco amount of 28.91% and 32.14%. By constrast, the Italian, the Spainish and the Turkish expenditure on food, drinks and tobacco account for 16.36%, 18.80% and 15.77%.  
  
In terms of clothing and footwear, the Italian spent more money on this about 9.00%. On the other hand, the Turkish, the Irish and the Spainish made up 6.63%, 6.43% and 6.51%. The least amount of money was spent on clothing and footwear by Swedish people.  
  
Finally, neither of countries spent more than 5% on leisure and education. The largest amount of money expenditure on leisure and education by the Turkish with regards to 4.35%  
  
*   
*Table chart*
The summary overview is incomplete as it does not present the measurement used and a listing of the 5 distinct countries. These must be presented as a part of the summary as it will help illustrate the trending statement for the overall review. Be careful of your punctuation marks. You forgot to use a full stop at the end of the second sentence in your summary overview.  
  
The major problem of this report is in the paragraph formatting. You have focused on the quick presentation of the information rather than the proper formatting of the information presentation. You are scored on the formatting requirements. That means, you have to:  
  
- Present at least 3 sentences per paragraph, no more than 5  
- Avoid the use of run-on sentences  
- Ensure the clarity of the information presentation per paragraph  
  
These are the 3 major errors that exist in your presentation that you should correct the next time you ask for an essay review here. There is a lack of clear and coherent presentation in your paragraph due to the shortness of each paragraph presentation. Do not rush through the essay. Perform an actual analysis. Try to show your grammar range by discussing the information rather than simply doing presentations with little developed comparison points. Although your sentences are truly long, since they are run-on sentences, these do not really help to increase your LR or GRA score.
## IELTS task 1: Causes of land degradation

  
  
*Topic: The pie chart below shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive. The table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during the 1990s. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
The pie chart presents the rates of land degraded by different reasons all over the world. Meanwhile, the table illustrates the percentage of land damaged by these factors in three different areas namely North America, Europe and Oceania between 1990 and 1999.  
  
Generally speaking, the rate of land which became less productive caused by the three main reasons varied only slightly. Besides, among the three regions in question, Europe had the highest percentage of land that reduced in quality. At the same time, North America had the lowest figure.  
  
Among the three main causes of land degradation, over-grazing ranked first with 35%. Deforestation came second with 30%. Over-cultivation accounted for 28%. The remaining area of land (7%) was damaged by other reasons.  
  
Europe had 23% of agricultural land became less suitable for that purpose. In which, 9.8% was caused by cutting down of forests and 7.7% was caused by excessive crop planting. Next came Oceania with 13% degraded land, mostly because farmers herded livestock immoderately on them. North America had only 5% of land reduced in quality and the main reason was over-cultivation which accounted for 3.3%.  
  
*
Hello, I have some suggestions for you, hope it helps!  
  
- "Europe ... for **that** purpose" --> As an opening sentence, you shouldn't use "that" since it is quite hard to track what you are referring to.  
  
- For the last paragraph, I think you should write an intro sentence before jumping into data analysis.  
  
- I especially like how you paraphrase "over-grazing" into "farmers herded livestock immoderately on them"
Hello, I am really appreciate to anyone whom help to repair my writing. Thank you.  
I would also like to know what others ways i can paraphrase the amount of money, such as 3 million euros.  
  
## Sales of Fairtrade-labelled Coffee and Bananas in 1999 and 2004

  
  
The tables show the amount of money spent on Fairtrade's coffee and bananas in two separate years in the UK, Switzerland, Denmark, Belgium and Sweden.  
  
It is clear that sales of Fairtrade coffee rose in all five countries from 1999 to 2004, but sales of Fairtrade bananas only went up in three out of five countries. Overall, the UK saw by far the highest levels of selling on these two products.  
  
In 1999, Switzerland had the highest sales of Fairtrade coffee, at 3 million European dollars, while revenue from Fairtrade bananas was highest in UK, at 15 million European dollars. By 2004, however, sales of Fairtrade coffee in UK had risen to 20 million euros, and this was over three times higher than Switzerland's sales for coffee that year, which had doubled. The same year in 2004 also can see the dramatic increase in the money traded on Fairtrade bananas in the UK, Switzerland, and Denmark, with incomes rising by EUR 32 million, 4.5 million, and 3.4 million respectively.  
  
Sales of the two Fairtrade products were far lower in Belgium and Sweden. Small increases in sales of Fairtrade coffee can be seen, but revenue remained at euros 2 million or below in bananas actually fell in Belgium and Sweden.  
  
*
Kindly remember that the 20 minute task is completed using only a 175-190 word count. That is to ensure that you have enough time to edit and finalize the content of your paper. You do not have to write 200 plus words. That is already close to a task 2 essay length and would require 40 minutes for you to complete.  
  
For formatting purposes, the summary overview should not be a stand alone sentence. Rather, it should be inclusive of the trending statement. That is because the paragraph requirement for the task 1 essay is a maximum of 3 paragraphs. You can better meet that requirement by combining sentence presentations based on the summary overview and trending statement.  
  
Sadly, there is no way that you can paraphrase the amount of money involved. You should not be changing the presentation for the money presentation because that is a precise piece of data composed of the financial numerals and the currency used. It is alright to get creative in other word presentations, but not when it comes to the factual digits / amounts / measurements or other precise information presented in the image. You should only be seen using synonyms heavily in the task 2 essay. Do not reverse the numerical presentation either (euros 2 million = 2 million euros). The only way you can vary the presentation of the money reference is if you use the numerical presentation, with the special keyboard feature for the Euro currency.