dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
WRITING SCORING #4 CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 TASK 2  
  
Nowadays, there are many kinds of foods that attract attention people especially children to buy it. It was proven in my previous school, in the canteen, this day sells meals that have more types than in the past. Unfortunately, some of the food stalls contain unhealthy meals that often disturb their study process. So, I think it is important for students to consume good food, even school must be selective to the quality of snacks especially that sold inside the school.  
  
To start with, children must have self-awareness for keeping their own health. I am sure that students already know that consuming hygiene meals is more important than just a tasteful one. That is because they need a lot of nutritions that will help them to be more concentrate in the classrooms, being strong when sleep overnight for assignment purposes, also stay focus when they obey the cleanness, substance, even the ingredients of their daily consumption, it will causes many diseases like cough, stomachache, diarrhea, and others. Furthermore, they will absent from class in a few days, make them lost of topic that given by teachers that day.  
  
So, to reduce that problem, school must have responsibility to investigate all kind of meals that usually sold in the canteen. For instance, they can create some rules maybe all sellers must have certificate from Ministry of Health, or all food must not contain any dangerous substance, even sometimes investigation can be done without any information before, and if school see any harmful ingredients, the shops will get punishment. However, if the seller still obey the rules, school can break their permission for selling the food again in the canteen.  
  
To conclude that, one of the most important thing for creating effective learning process in the school is the students should be healthy that resulted from their food that they eat. Moreover, school also become the main supporting system for providing hygiene, clean, also healthy food for the children.
First of all, you should present the brief/issue of the writing task so that the reader can assess your essay contextually.  
  
I like the essay idea. It is consistent through the essay, showing that schools should be supervising the food stalls in their canteen to promote more efficient learning process.  
  
Here are some suggestions:  
1st Paragraph  
- ... to consume good food, even**(. Therefore/Hence,)** school must be...  
  
2nd Paragraph  
- ... concentrate in the classrooms, being strong when sleep overnight for assignment purposes, also stay focus when (...) their daily consumption, it will causes many ...  
  
i think that this sentence is too long, makes it hard to understand. You should separate them and add conjunctions, ex: in addition, furthermore, etc. Also add some contextual when you are at it to make it easier to understand.  
  
3rd Paragraph  
- ... from Ministry of Health, or all food must (...) substance~~, even~~**(dot/stop)** sometimes investigation can ...  
  
again, you repeated the elongated sentence. There will be a plus point if you successfully execute a complex sentence. However, If you did it incorrectly, this will be a boomerang for you. That is because the reader will have a hard time to understand your essay, which means they had to read it over.  
  
4th Paragraph  
- ... is the students should be healthy that resulted from the~~ir~~ food that they eat.  
  
I am not sure with the red marked part. I prefer if you put it this way  
"..is the students should be healthy. One of the important aspect is to eat healthier food. Therefore, school... the main supporting system along side with the Ministry of Health to provide..."
Hi Faiz, for this specific essay, it is not enough for you to just write Cambridge Book number, it would help if you include the title or the prompt, this will ensure that the reviews you are getting are accurate and you will be able to strengthen your essay even further.  
  
Having said that, I have a few insights to help.  
  
1st paragraph  
- ... of foods that attract the attention of people especially  
- ~~It was~~This has been proven in my previous school,  
- in the canteen, ~~this day sells~~they sell more meals  
- ~~that have more~~ types than ~~in the past~~before .  
- ... the food stalls ~~contain~~sell unhealthy meals  
- that often ~~disturb their~~results to distraction of the study process.  
- ~~So~~Therefore , I think it is important  
- even the school officials must be selective  
- especially the ones that are sold inside the school.  
  
There you have it Faiz, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.
Hallo... @faizuna.. here some notes for you. I hope it helps..  
  
**1. Where your question? You should put you question there.. even some of people in Essay Forum know the question, you should put there.**  
  
2. Continue to the content  
  
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
~~So~~***THUS*,** (*more formal*) I think it is important for students (...) school must be ~~selective~~*SELECTED* to the quality of ...  
  
**YOU CAN PUT THAT EXAMPLE IN YOUR BODY NOT YOUR INTRODUCTION**  
  
*in introduction you just :  
  
Paraphrase the idea about the question  
Answer the question  
  
However, in my opinion you have not answer all of the question..*  
  
**The questions ask you that a healthy meal will make student learnt effectively. How true this statement? Who people that have responsibility to provide children food?**  
  
First of all, you have not clear to paraphrase the question.. it is no to the point. You should talk about health food for learn effectively not put your story and told about food stalls and many others. All in all, i think you have not success paraphrase the questions.  
  
Secondly, where is you answer about how true this statement? You should put statement, this is true /not or this notion is true and those continue with the reasons why it was true or not?  
  
Thirdly, You have answer the second question although there is a mistake in usage of cohesive device. It should not even, but Furthermore..  
  
I hope it helps.. keep writing and good luck
**Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
What other measures do you think might be effective?**  
  
Development of traffic and pollution have become two major concerns worldwide lately. A plenty of solutions have been offered by people to deal with these problems. One of them is improving petrol's price. Personally, I believe that submitting a higher cost can reduce traffic and pollution based on some views.  
  
To start with, a classic economy theory that states higher product affect to the lower demanding of the product and reversely. Using this theory, can be stated, when the price of petrol increase, the consumer will be lesser due to people may be more conscious to use vehicle since they have to pay more for fuels. Surely, it affects to pollution levels and reducing traffic in the city. By increasing petrol's price, it is declining possibilities of people who want to use private vehicle as they need more money for the fuels. They will think twice before buy the vehicle. Decreasing of vehicle's number is good news for pollution's problem since both of them related to each other. Pollution is resulted from vehicle, the reduction will lead decreasing a great deal of pollution.  
  
Meanwhile, other solution which might be effective is improvement of public transportation. In my country, Indonesia, a wide range of private vehicle has increased every year by ten percent. A survey has been done to investigate what factors that make the improvement. Most of inhabitants argue that they have not felt comfortable, unsafe, and cannot adapt with the high cost. A clearly solution that government or other responsibility party have to take for solving this problem. Since public transport is addressed to society, it has to be comfortable enough for them. So, people will choose to use public transport than their own vehicle. This idea absolutely can reduce the amount of traffic and pollution as well.  
  
To sum up, there are many ways to reduce traffic and pollution and certainly have a good impact. Increasing fuel cost is true as proposed solutions.
Hallo nur.. here my suggestion about your essay..  
  
Grammatically..  
  
**THE** Development of traffic and pollution ...  
  
**INTRODUCTION CONTENT**  
  
**Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.**  
-> *you have paraphrase the question well*  
  
**To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
->*You have not clear answer this part.. you should say you are agree or disagree.. i think the usage of believe is unclear to explain your position as a writer.*  
  
**What other measures do you think might be effective?**  
-> *you have not answer this question..*  
  
Be carefull with the introduction. I just worry if you not answer all the question, it makes your score decrease..  
  
Good luck!
**This three pie charts show the changes in annual spending by a particular UK school in 1981,1991, and 2001.**  
  
A glance at the three given pie graphs reveal some differences among the expenditures at a certain UK school in three different years with 10 years interval starting from 1981 to 2001. As a general trend, the proportion of educators' salaries was accounted for the highest percentage in school expenditures. Meanwhile, school's insurance had the smallest percentage of annual school spending over the times observed.  
  
Looking at the details, the figure of educators' pay check stood at 40 percent in 1981. There was a dropped in the number of school spending by 5 percent in the next ten years. Then, reached a peak at 50 percent in 2001. Other school expenditures for employees' salaries spent 28 percent in 1981. It then rose gradually to 50 percent after one decade but drop to 45 percent in 2001.  
  
Others two aspects shared same trend were resources for school and investment on furniture and equipment. Both graphs showed fluctuation trend and stood at same point which at 15 percent but showed different point in the next two decades. Some resources like books increased rapidly to 20 percent in 1991 then dipped in 2001 at 9 percent. Meanwhile, for investment on furniture and equipment, there was a plunged to 5 percent in 2001. Then, it hit a high point at 23 percent. The last, school insurance, showed upward trend that remained fairly stable over twenty years and enrolment peak in 2001 at 23 percent.  
  
*   
*The changes in annual spending by a particular UK school*
Hello, i will give you suggestion:  
Overall, you essay good..  
  
... of annual school spending ~~over the times observed.~~**(You can remove this one).**  
  
... to 20 percent in 1991 then ~~dipped~~dropped in 2001 at 9 percent.  
... stable over twenty years and ~~enrolment~~(check your spelling) peak in 2001 at 23 percent.
**CUSTOMER SATISFACTION LEVELS IN THE US AIRLINES**  
  
The chart and the table show the information of air craft passenger satisfaction rate toward the main services of air travel in the US between in 1999, 2000 and 2007. Overall, the satisfied of the passenger has shown upward trends or has increased steadily and the dissatisfied has dropped together with increases of the passenger satisfied, and during in 1999 until 2007 the satisfaction rates of customer air agency has increased gradually by 5 % as average increases.  
  
Based on the table data, the schemes of data almost had shown a similar trends where there are upward and downward trends in each years or in every passenger's satisfied up then the percentage of dissatisfied will be down consistently until in 2007 which the satisfied had increased by 7 % and the dissatisfied had declined by 8% smaller than in 1999.  
  
While, based on the chart data, we can seeing the amount of customer's satisfaction towards air agency also has inclined percentage during the years, where there are upward trends of satisfaction towards any services provided, but only the comfort of seats that had not shown the data comparison of its satisfaction before 2007. Almost of the customer's satisfied had been inclined by 1% until 20 % for each of air agency services.  
  
(212 words)  
  
*
hallo sarlinda.. let me to give you some notes.. hope it helps  
  
Overall, the *satisfied*satisfaction (Satisfied is verb. It is not suitable if you put verb after article the. It should noun after article a, an, or the) of the passenger ~~has shown~~*showed**THE* upward trends ~~or has increased steadily~~ and the dissatisfied has dropped together with *THE* increases of the passenger ~~satisfied~~ (Satisfaction, it should be followed with noun), and during in (...) customer air agency ~~has~~ had increased gradually ~~by 5 % as average increases.~~ ( do not put any data on your overview)  
  
I just correct your introduction. let the others to give notes for other parts. Good luck !
Hello Sarlinda!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
Overall, the satisfied of ...  
Satisfied -> adjective  
Satisfaction -> Noun  
Overall, the satisfaction of the passenger has ...  
  
the satisfied of the passenger showed upward trends  
  
and the dissatisfied ~~has~~ dropped together ...  
  
the schemes of data almost showed a similar trends  
  
of dissatisfied would be down consistently  
  
~~had~~ increased by 7 % and the  
  
~~had~~ declined by 8% smaller than in 1999.  
  
**You have to use past tense since the pictures' timeline is clear.**  
  
Hope it helps you :)
Hai inda, here are my suggestions for your essay  
  
The chart and ~~the~~ table show the information of ~~air craft~~**aircraft***(no space)* passenger satisfaction (...) in the US ~~between~~ in 1999, 2000 and 2007.  
  
... of the passenger ~~has shown~~**was an** upward trends or ...  
*you may choose between upward trend or increase steadily despite you mention it all because it has the same meaning*  
  
and the dissatisfied ~~has~~ dropped together with ~~increases~~**increasing***(gerund form)* of the passenger satisfied  
  
... of customer air agency ~~has~~ increased gradually ...  
*be careful on tenses, you have to use past simple because it happened in the past*  
  
... schemes of data almost ~~had~~**was** shown a similar (...) trends in each ~~years~~**year** .  
  
... chart data, we can ~~seeing~~**see**  
*do not forget modal + V1*  
  
... towards air agency also ~~has~~ inclined ~~percentage~~ during the years,  
  
where there are upward trends ~~of~~**in** satisfaction towards ...
**The chart and table below show customer satisfaction levels in the US with airlines and aspects of air travel in 1999, 2000, and 2007.**  
  
The bar chart illustrates the rate of customer satisfication in airlines and the table shows the detail aspects from using airplane in percent from 1999, 2000, to 2007 in the US. Overall, it can be seen that over eight-years period the percentage in satisfied always higher than in dissatisfied and in aspect about courtesy of flight attendants is usually higher than the other aspects between 1999, 2000, and 2007.  
  
There was an increase in satisfied answer from customers from 1999, 2000, to 2007 while in dissatisfied decreased. In satisfied answer hit a high point in 2007 at 72 percent while dissatisfied bottomed at 24 percent. Between 2000 and 2007, there was the highest decrease by 5 percent in dissatisfied answer.  
  
In 1999, courtesy of flight attendants was the higher percentage at 88 percent when price of tickets was the lowest percentage at 45 percent. In 1999 and 2000, there was not people who was given answer to the survey about comfort of seats. After that, in 2007, courtesy of flight attendats was the highest at 92 percent when comfort seats was the lowest at 47 percent. Price of ticket and courtesy of flight attendats always increased over eight-years period.  
  
*   
*Question*
... the rate of airlines' ~~customer~~clientu have to paraphrase with synonyms satisfaction and the table ~~shows~~providesu have to paraphrase with synonyms the detail ~~aspects~~ features ~~from using airplane~~ of airline's services ~~in percent~~ from 1999, 2000, ...  
  
~ you need to paraphrase the question with synonyms or different sentence structure .  
  
keep writing .
Hi Mardian, here are my suggestions for yours  
  
*be careful on paraphrasing the question*  
  
... the rate of customer ~~satisfication~~**satisfaction** in airlines and the table ...  
  
there ~~was~~**were** not people who ~~was~~**were** given answer to ...  
  
..., courtesy of flight ~~attendats~~**attendants** was the highest (...) comfort seats ~~was~~**were** the lowest ...  
  
... courtesy of flight ~~attendats~~**attendants** always increased ...  
  
*you have minor errors, you must pay attention to it so that you can boost your score*  
  
break a leg
**Topic: *The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
The chart gives information about the difficulties people have when they come to live in foreign countries. There are differences about the percentage when comparing among age groups.  
  
The highest column in chart is the problem in learning the local language of old people over 55. It takes more than 50 percent while there is only 36 percent of people aged 35 to 54 suffering from the similar problem. It seem that the number of people who have difficulties in learning the new language decreases according to the age. In fact, the bar corresponding to the youngest people is the lowest (nearly 30 percent).  
  
Although it is difficult to learn the local language, the old group finds it easy to get along with friends. As consequence, this is the group that have the least difficulties in forming friendships, at 23 percent. However, more than 40 percent of the young people feel it hard to become a friend of local people.  
  
Similar to their ability of creating a relationship easily, only 22 percent of people in the oldest group worry about finding an ideal house to live. However, it seems not to be lucky to the other two age groups with 39 to 40 percent of people in finding somewhere to live.  
  
Overall, there are many troubles people can get when move to a new country, but the old people often feel language learning the most difficult while the young people find it difficult to make friends.  
  
*   
*resource: Cambridge English Complete IELTS Bands 5.5 - 6.5*
Hi Huy, I believe this is the first review I'm going to share and as this is an analysis essay, it is important that you include the graph or the presentation of the information where the analysis is drawn from and this is exactly what you did here so this is very good.  
  
Moving forward, below are my thoughts on your essay.  
  
- The chart gives information ~~about~~on the difficulties  
- that people have when ...  
- There are differences ~~about the~~of percentage  
- when ~~comparing~~compared among age groups.  
  
- The highest column in the chart is the problem  
- in learning the local language ~~of~~for old people over 55.  
- to 54 suffering from ~~the~~ similar problem.  
- It seemed that the number of people  
- who ~~have~~has difficulties in learning  
- the new language decreases according to ~~the~~ age.  
- In fact, the bar corresponding ~~to~~ the youngest people is the lowest ~~(~~at nearly 30 percent~~)~~ .  
  
There you have it Huy, I believe there are minor modifications needed to enhance your analysis, however, this minor details are important and they can affect the overall outcome of the analysis so it's better not to have this remarks and straighten them out immediately.
In the recent year, ABC government has to struggle with various problems ranging from the field of the economy to the field of society. Above all of that matters, I especially concern about the problem of the growing imbalances between the number of blue-collar workers and white-collar workers in ABC. Nowadays, the majority of ABC's society is tended to choose office job over a manual labor job. Owing to this, the number of white-collar workers is overwhelming. As a result, the unemployment rate for recent college graduates has been higher than all college graduates in the past decade. In order to tackle this problem, ABCer must raise their own awareness about the value of blue-collar jobs. Besides, so as to attract the young generation, the government should provide an equal policy about salary between office and labor jobs.This issue is a challenging task for ABC government, but if they manage to have the right decision the problem will be eliminated.
**Writing Task I (Page 35 Unit 5D)**  
  
The diagram shows the processes of air circulation which out and in across of several ways of the house. Overall devices of the process in releases heat temperatures of house made by the conventional method or non-electric usage for cooling down the heating temperature where only by several ventilations, and it was designed on the top and every part in houses for makes air easily circulates with fresh air from outside into the houses with balanced compositions.  
  
Based on the picture, we can show the house had been complete with almost seven ways of air ventilations have been placed on the top of house side and in each bottom corners and also from the underground of the house. Some fan vents have been placed on the nearby of the recessed lights or in rooms that easily to be heated such as in the kitchen and in the wash machine rooms. However, there are three big windows apart of ventilations that surely faster to replace heat atmosphere inside of the house.  
  
**(173 words)**  
  
*
Hi Sarlinda,  
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- ... the process~~es~~ of air circulation which goes~~out and in~~in and out~~across of several ways~~through several ventilation holes~~of~~in the house.  
  
- Overall devices ..... compositions. (This sentence is TOO LONG. Try to avoid making long-but-inaccurate sentence. This often leads to a sentence which has confusing structure. It will be dangerous towards your grammatical range and accuracy score)  
  
*It should be like this:*  
- Overall, it can be seen that~~devices of~~ the process ~~in releases~~of releasing heat temperatures ~~of~~in the house ~~made~~is caused by the conventional method (...) by several ventilations. (stop here. New sentence)  
  
- ~~and~~It was designed on the top ~~and~~~~every part~~of all parts~~in houses~~in the house for ~~makes~~making the air easily circulates (...) into the ~~houses~~house with balanced compositions.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hi SarlindaDS,  
  
here's my note:  
  
- The diagram shows the process ~~es~~ of air circulation  
  
- Overall, (comma) devices of the ...  
  
your compound sentence is too long  
- Overall devices of the process in ...  
  
- we can show the house had been complete with almost seven --->if you want to utilize past participle, you should write "had+verb3".
Hello Sarlinda!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. Paragraphing  
Your task will get better if you make the parts is clear  
For example:  
Paragraph 1 -> Introduction+ Overview  
Paragraph 2 -> Body 1  
Paragraph 3 -> Body 2  
  
2. Please kindly check my suggestion below for your sentence  
..., we can show **that** the house had (...) of air ventilations **which** have been placed on ...  
  
Hope it helps you :)