dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi chikachika, overall it was good and what I think you can make it more presentable by cutting out some words for more elaborative words. like:  
  
It is ......*Buddhists believe that happiness is finding peace in asceticism while Christians find it in serving humanity through kindness. ..(combine the first two paragraphs, you can add more examples here to end this paragraph and then start with the next one. )*  
  
[Make this one a concluding paragraph: as you said "to sum up" here and it is used in the conclusion.] *Usually, we live in an assumption that chasing our dreams to fulfil our desires brings us pleasure but in reality, it is just a* ......(you can add an example here from your own life: [*In my opinion, ...........see the world*.] This whole paragraph defines your conclusion so it should be along with your concluding paragraph and make it more elaborative as I did a few sentences for you. *To sum up, joy is what we define in our own terms, not what others teach us.*
***Hi Vi Tran.***  
I have read your essay closely. Before I offer you a few suggestion, I remind you to always include the whole question so that readers can understand what you wanna review on this medium.  
  
First, you are supposed to add a thesis statement meaningfully. It can present what you will explain in the body paragraph. Its aim is to describe what you review in your essay. That can also become the track to lead the readers to your flow in this essay. After that, you have to be able to distinguish between a conjunction and transition word. There was the conjunction which should be written the transition. That matter is a minor error but can break your flow.  
  
Be careful of misspellings. I have found a few of misspellings. It can reduce your score as well if you make the same mistakes many times. Apart from that, you should focus on prompts given. The second question asks you to present some factors of happiness. However, you only offer one factor. Your score can fall down because you missed one of task responses. That is crucial in the writing. I suggest you analyze the question more so that you can answer the prompts entirely. Following this, you have to construct the body paragraph better. You need the supporting sentences stronger to strengthen your opinion. The scientist fact can become the valuable support.  
  
I highly recommend you to read many examples of essay. It can lead you to understand for constucting the good paragraph. On the other hand, that way is able to enrich your vocabulary storage. The key to master this matter is practice more and more.  
  
Happry Writing. Good Luck.  
:D
Vi, your paraphrased statement is good. However, I am disappointed that you did not remember to include an overview of the discussion that you would be presenting in the essay. You see, it is not enough to be able to say the topic of the essay in a different manner. It is also important for you to be able to show that you know what points are important to discuss in terms of relevance in the essay. That is why you should strive to outline as much of the discussion you will be presenting to the reader. Just so there won't be any surprises and you will have a guideline in terms of what you hope to discuss in the essay.  
  
I wish you had presented the completed prompt. That way I could make a more accurate prediction of the possible score you could have gotten for this essay. I also have some apprehensions about your extremely short conclusion. It lacks the proper information such as the restated prompt, opinions discussed, and your opinion. Remember, the conclusion is the closing summary of the previously discussed topics and shows that you understood the discussion you presented.
@Ssakshijain  
Thank you for reading my writing. As I am more familiar with verbal english, I have difficult with putting words into a beautiful sentence. But still, I will do more reading and learning more structures to make my writing more elaborative.  
  
Again, thanks for your advice!  
  
@akbarmappiare  
Sorry, I 've just joined this forum yesterday so there were so many things to get used to.  
I sincerely appreciate your comment. It helps me a lot!  
I will take your advice and apply it to my study :D  
Thank you!  
Have a good day :D  
  
@Holt  
Thank you for your comment. I will notice that and try to make it more clear in my next writing.
**IELTS task 1 - Proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia in 1999**  
  
I've just started to study IELTS so I hope everyone will be willing to help me. Thanks in advanced.  
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## Poverty in Australian society

  
  
The given table illustrates the percentage of Australian from six different household types struggling with poverty in 1999. The data was measured in both percent and practical statistic.  
  
It is noticeable in the last bold line that the number of poor Australian was really worth considering as it accounted for 11% of this country's population. Differed little from this, 933.000 people in couple-with-children families living below standard also made up 12% of their respective group. This record indicates that it is two times higher than 54.000 single aged individuals who suffered from financial problems.  
  
As for aged couple, there was only 4% people living in poverty, thus the lowest position belongs to this group. In contrast, the quantity of poor Australian in sole-parent household category was the highest percentage (21%). This figure is 5 times higher than the lowest and clearly demonstrates the huge gap of economical statics between two kind of family, sole-parent and aged couple.  
  
*
Nhi, first up, use a comma instead of a period when indicating information in the thousands. Always follow the method by which the information is written in the chart for information accuracy. If you want to write an accurate presentation of information, you need to go line by line in your presentation. Present the data as it appears in the chart. Don't jump to the end of the chart and then go back to the start. The information in bold should have been discussed in the final paragraph of the essay. By the way, you should try to write more words. Aim for at least 175 in order to help your lexical resource and grammar accuracy score.  
  
You could have expanded the essay by properly outlining the information in the chart regarding the type of families included in the percentage. The types of family represented in the chart are vital to the opening statement presentation. That is supposed to be the overview of the information and type of discussion in the summary report so a representation of the classification and discussion is required in the outline portion. The outline is normally presented at the end of the opening statement.  
  
Since this is your first essay, I will not score your work just yet. I want you to pay attention to the mistakes you made in this essay first, correct it, and learn from the mistakes you made. That way, you will remember to avoid it in your succeeding practice tests. Keep writing, we will help you get better and prepare for your test.
The pie chart compares the proportion family expense in Japan and Malaysia in five different categories (housing, transport, food, health care and other goods and service) in 2010. Overall, it can be seen that both of countries showed the smallest spending on health care category.  
  
Looking at the details, Japan and Malaysia spent the least capital on health care at 6 % and 3% respectively. Next, transport spending was the second lowest expense in both Japan and Malaysia but a domination was seen in the former with more than double.  
  
Turning to another comparison, the data showed Malaysian which dominate two categories both housing at 34% and food 27%, compared to Japan accounting for 21% on housing and 24% on food category. However, other goods and services figure was the most popular in Japan at less than a third while in Malaysia this only recorded at 26% of total expenditures.  
  
*
Hello...  
sharing is fun right?, I will give you some suggestions based on your essay  
  
... the proportion ~~family~~ (not appropriate meaning with household, may be you can use "housewifery") expense in Japan ...  
  
Next, (the proportion of spending on transport) (S+V) ~~transport spending~~ was the second lowest ...  
  
... categories both housing ~~at 34%~~ and food ~~27%~~ (at 34% and 27% respectively), compared to Japan ...  
... while in Malaysia ~~this~~ only recorded at ...
Baso, while you presented the minimum 150 word requirement in the summary report, your essay is not as solid nor informative in presentation. The reason that I came to this conclusion is because of the missing data in your second paragraph. You explained that transportation was the second lowest expense in Japan and Malaysia, you neglected to include the actual figures as indicated in the pie chart. Therefore, the information that you presented cannot be considered complete once considered overall. The most informative summary report is the one that presents all of the pertinent information from the charts provided in the summary. While it may sound mechanical at times, it is important to give the data in order for the reader to be properly informed regarding the information you are presenting. You need to find a way to sound more creative in the presentation of the information. Right now, you are just relating the information as you see it in the chart, which does not really present a clear idea as to your comprehension skills, which is graded in the cohesiveness and coherence section of the band score.
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement  
"You can learn about the character of a country from the way that treat animal"**  
  
## Life of animals among humans

  
  
Being a human, we have to love animal and give them the great treatment because it prove the love of human. However, I don't think we can examine the character of a country from the way they treat animal for 3 reasons - culture, economy and psychology aspect.  
  
The first aspect we have to consider is the culture. We can't talk someone is the bad guy because they don't love and treat animal well. In some country in Asia such as China or Vietnam, the native people is educated about love and how to have a great behavior with others and help a lot of people as much as possible. However, they aren't taught about animal treatment and they can eat everything such as dog, cat and some pets. It is the culture and the culture is formed for thousand years. We can't tell they are wrong or bad because they are different us.  
  
The second reason is psychology aspect. Human have a habit is consider others because the way they are distinct us. For example, some tradition nation such as Arab Saudi or India think the woman shouldn't wear short skirts and many tradition people have a bad thought about modern girls - who wear the hot dresses. It is so meaningless. Turning back about our topic, we can't learn about the character of a person or country because the way they treat with animal. It's so personal.  
  
The finally is economy aspect. In some poor country, the human have nothing to eat and the hundreds of child die per day. When we are in the bad circumstance, we can't care too much for the others. What do you think about the famous picture which people can feed the abandon dog but don't really care about the homeless? In some case, we have to choose the best solution - focus just for the most important thing with the limited source - and we have to quit anothers.  
  
When we consider about something, we have to examine for many aspects such as culture, economy and psychology. That is the reason I don't think we can learn about the character of a country from the way that treat animal.
Hi Pal. I am not sure about what this writing is for, but before you read my feedback, I want you to know that I base my review on academic writing style. If you do a casual or semi-formal writing, then just neglect the redfeedback. I hope it is helpful.  
  
Academic writing style uses the third-person point of view. Thus, the word I, we and us should be avoided and use passive form instead. E.g.  
  
However, I don't think we can examine the character of a country >>>> However, it is unreasonable to judge the character of a country  
  
....culture, economy and psychology aspect. >>>> cultural, economic and psychological aspects. (adjective + noun)  
  
It is the culture and the culture is formed for thousand years. [repetition]>>>> It is their culture and this have been formed for thousands of years  
  
.....they are different from us.  
  
**Your second body paragraph does not belong to this topic. It makes your writing lack of coherence.**  
  
In some poor countries, people have nothing to eat and they have to feed hundreds of children everyday.  
  
After reading your writing thoroughly, i find that your reasoning does not strongly stick to the topic, especially your second body paragraph. I suggest you to include "animal" in each paragraph to give better coherence.  
  
Keep writing pal :)
Nguyet, your summary overview along with your personal opinion is good. However, it is too short to be considered a completely developed paragraph. Try to aim for at least 3 sentences per paragraph, maximum of 5 in order to gain a better task accuracy score. Your comprehension skill is scored in the very first paragraph of the essay so it is crucial that you do your best in the very first paragraph of the essay. In this sort of essay, after you present your first pronoun personal opinion, you should shift to the 3rd person pronoun throughout because you are discussing ideas and opinions related to second hand information. Therefore, it is not good to use second person or first pronoun references in the essay. Overall though, this is a very good discussion that should have a pretty decent score even with the minimal problems the developed essay possesses.
Hi! I am practising on ielts and I got this prompt:  
The prompt says: **Some people believe that money brings happiness; others are of the opinion that having too much money is a problem.Discuss both views and give your own opinion**  
  
## happy resources

  
  
People often wonder whether money brings happiness or not. Many people suppose that money brings joy, whereas others believe having too much money is a problem. While there are valid arguments to the contrary, I think that money is happy resources.  
  
On the one hand, there are various reasons why people believe that money brings happiness. Firstly, playing an important role in meeting one's basic needs is evident methods. Working eight to ten hour every day, people earn money which can be used to pay for housing, food, bills, health care. It also helps us provide the best possible education for one's children. Having too much money, ones can have reasonable, comfortable life and benefit from it as soon as possible. One can enjoy a vacation with one's family in summer after long exhausting working days. Ones can go shopping without think about price. Also if ones have too much money, ones can make a great contribute to society such as building schools, hospitals, helping the poor.  
  
On the other hand, some people argue that having too much money is a problem. It threatens one's safety. Nowadays, the number of people who have become thieves are raising every day, so rich people always feel insecure because money can make the rich the target of thieves. An evident disadvantage of having too much money is to use proportionally. They feel really stressful because of making plan what they must give priority to or what are worth doing.  
  
In spite of these arguments, I believe that money brings happiness .Firstly, not only does money meets one's basic needs, but also it improves people's standard. According to research, so many people who have become thieves because of the lack of finance. If we have so much money, we boost economic development and keep pace with anyone and countries. Having comfortable life, we always fell energetic and want to work.  
  
In conclusion, people have different views that money brings happiness and having too much money is a problem. I personally prefer that money brings happiness
Hi To, I have to say that you really took the outline I provided you and memorized it. You have presented a very well discussed essay here. You did not miss any discussion points and you have done your best to prove that you have adequate vocabulary when it comes to English words. You have managed to create an understandable essay that, although suffering from some grammar problems, does not impede communication with the reader. That said, you have, in my opinion, managed to increase your possible essay score to a 6. The task accuracy was perfect in this instance but the sentence development and lexical resource problems existed in a marked manner in the essay. So those errors forced the lowering of the lexical resource score along with the coherence and cohesiveness aspect. Keep practicing. You should be able to improve some more over time. You already have a passing score, let's see if we can increase the score over time. Try to use a different prompt requirement next time so that we can find some other weak points to correct in your work. Just remember that the format I gave you is applicable to almost all of the essay prompts you will be reading.
To, please remember that you need to start a new thread for every question you want answered or essay that you want reviewed which is totally unrelated to the original topic being discussed in a thread. In this instance, you have to do your own research regarding the format. I cannot respond to that question in this thread because this is dedicated to an unrelated essay discussion. If you start a different thread that asks me the same question, I will be able to respond there. I cannot do that in this thread. Don't forget, you can always Google the response to your questions before you write your essay. So why don't you try doing that first? If you feel lost, then start a new thread in the correct forum area and I will assist you to the best of my ability in that new thread. Sorry about that. The mods are pretty strict about that rule and I cannot disobey it.
## Crime statistics

  
  
The graph below shows the perceived danger and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime.  
  
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Hello. This is my practice for IELTS writing task 1. Thanks in advance for your feedback :)  
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The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018. The data is measured in percent and covers 3 types of crimes which are burglary, car crime, and violent crime. It is noticeable that all of them crimes were overestimated and the most common case was car crime in both years.  
  
The gaps between predicted and actual cases of all categories were immense, either in 2009 or in 2010. All of the three types had much greater envisaged percentage, but the hugest among them was experienced by car crime. This criminal act witnessed more than 20% gap in 2009 and about 5% lower in the next year. Meanwhile, the other two types only experienced more or less a tenth gaps.  
  
A closer look at the date shows that car crime cases stood out as the most frequent criminal action estimated and happened. Although its prediction which was previously projected to be 20% fell by roughly 5% in 2010, the real case proportion remained the same. The prediction for burglary and violent crime also saw similar percentages and trends, both smaller in 2010. In reality, violence happened more often than burglary, however.  
  
*
I don't study IELTS and how to judge a chart but in my opinion, your judgement is very good. However, I think why you don't do this essay with the structure:  
  
- Paragraph 1: give overall info about the chart such as which kind of chart (bar, line,...), show what (criminal rate), what time (between year and year), where (in US, Indo,...).  
  
- Paragraph 2: Judge about car crime (It is increase or not, how much percent,... and it change the most).  
- Paragraph 3: Judge about violent crime.  
- Paragraph 4: Judge about burgar crime (change the least).  
- The final paragaph: In conclusion for 3 crime.  
  
I think it more easier for reading.
Daniette, when you present information based on dates or years in your statement, make sure that you present the digits in the same chronological manner. So the presentation for your information in the opening statement should have indicated "actual and projected crime incidents in 2009 and 2018" instead. Also, the more proper term for the chart would be a Histogram instead of a bar chart. A bar chart is a different kind of chart. The term "huge" does not change in tense pattern either. It is the same whether it is used in past, present, or future form. Using the term "hugest" would have a definite effect on your lexical resource score. The rest of the essay contains minimal grammar errors which did not put undue stress on the reader so it is negligible in terms of your essay development mistakes. The message of the paragraph can still be understood.
***Hi Daniette***, I am gonna try offering advice for improvement of your writing. I appreciate your effort to present the writing like this. Your overview is simple, but it is meaningful. You picked the sentence up to describe the condition of the bar. I agree there is a huge gap between a prediction and reality.  
  
However, you need paying attention to the data. You transfer the data by using the inappropriate information.  
  
crime. This criminal act witnessed more than 20% gap in 2009 and about 5% lower in the next year  
It will seem as the real condition although that data was obtained from the projected data. Be careful of analyzing the data because it can also reduce your score. It can affect your score in the task achievement. There were a few errors grammatically. You can get the higher score on condition you can review your errors detailed to make it better in the next term. I suggest you can allocate time for approximately 3 minutes in the last section to correct your grammar. Besides that, you can recheck information which you display in the writing.  
  
I really like reading this because you avoid the redundant sentences. That is the short paragraph but can cover important information and present the meaningful paragraph. You only need making your move smoother. Using the proper transition word is the alternative solution to do it.  
  
Practicing more and more is to adapt with the writing task 1.  
happy writing. Good luck