dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Online shopping is replacing shopping in stores.Do you think this is a positive or negative development?**  
  
## buying locally or remotely

  
  
Nowadays, we can see the population of online shopping is increasing, therefore the behavior of purchasing things in physical store has declined. In this essay I will argue that the idea of online shopping is a positive development.  
  
First of all, purchasing merchandises online can make our life more efficient. Take shopping for grocery for example, it is a laborious chores for me to buy grocery in person. It takes time driving between home and supermarket, also a waste of time to walk around supermarket try to find the items on my shopping list. But the situation would have been so different for searching items by type in keywords and click quantity I need then the items I bought online will be on my doorstep the next day. Shopping online saves me a lot of time and allow me to spend my time on more meaningful thing.  
  
In addition, on the aspect of a supermarket owner, online shopping will reduce the rent. Renting a place for supermarket is usually much more expensive due to the location has to be on the spot that as convenient for people to go to as possible, this fact makes the rent is general higher than rent a storehouse. For the owners of online shopping stores, then can rent a storehouse and it is not necessary to located in the urban center. Thus the shop owners can costdown and reflect on the price. Then the consumer are more likely to chose them in order to have a good bargain.  
  
In conclusion, shopping online not only make our lives efficiency but also more likely for consumer to have a good deal for their shopping. Thus, my opinion for this essay is that it is a positive development of online shopping replacing shopping in physical store.  
  
(299 words, duration: 35 mins)  
  
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1.I am not sure if I am right about the body paragraphs, should I mention about the opposite opinion in my essay?  
2. I was trying to describe that because the rent for a storehouse is cheaper, so the owner can provide a cheaper price to the sentence in third paragraph "Thus the shop owners can costdown and reflect on the price. Then the consumer are more likely to chose them in order to have a good bargain.". How can I write this sentence better?
Chin-Jung Lin,  
Starting your essay with statements like " In this essay ... is a positive development." is not a good shot;  
  
Also, pay attention to verb tenses and punctuation: "... for example(:) it is a laborious ..."; "searching items by type (typing) in keywords and click (clicking the) quantity I need. (Then, the items...) then the items I bought online will be on my doorstep the next day"  
  
"usually much more expensive due to the location ...[/R]". I suggest you to change your sentence: "Usually more expansive because its location has to be as convenient as possible for consumers.  
  
Also, "my opinion for this essay is that..." is not a good way to conclude your essay  
Overall, you presented strong and developed arguments. Pay attention to your grammar, because, sometimes, it makes your essay confusing.  
I wish you the best luck on IELTS!
@summerlin I guess I have to explain to you how to develop these essay opening paraphrases. You are not supposed to include any strong emotions such as "I will argue" because there is no reference to the need to do that in the original prompt. All of these essays must be written in a simple discussion format because you will never to asked to debate an issue in these essay prompts. All the references will only be for discussions of varying points of view an opinions. Don't include an "emotional response" when one is not required. I believe that the better presentation for your prompt would have been:  
  
*These days, people are engaging more in virtual purchases rather than physical purchasing. Some people say this is a good development. Others say it is a negative development. In my opinion, I believe this is a positive development and I will explain why in this essay.*  
  
There is no need to present an opposite opinion in this essay because the prompt is asking you to discuss only the side that you agree with. Anytime you see the word "OR" in the discussion instruction sentence, that means you discuss only one side.  
  
As for your presentation of the rental topic, you should not have focused on a specific aspect of commerce such as grocery shopping. You should have left it general in reference because the prompt did not specify a specific sector to discuss. However, you could have better presented that line by saying:  
  
*A smart business owner would use a virtual storefront instead because he will not have to rent an expensive physical storefront anymore. He can also just open his shop and, as long as he has a warehouse for his goods, he can sell his products. He does not need to look for a good commercial area to set up his business in anymore. So the investor, in this instance, will end up saving money because people will virtually come to his store and make purchases that still amount to real money once the virtual currency is converted to cash.*
As the feedback is already given on the introduction which I also found that there is a scope of improvement.  
  
There are few sentence corrections which I would like to make:  
  
2nd paragraph:  
... purchasing merchandise~~s~~ online ...  
... a laborious chore~~s~~ for me ...  
... walk around supermarket **,** try to find ...  
  
... so different ~~for~~  from  searching items ... I need **,** then the items ...  
  
3rd paragraph:-  
... the spot that ~~as~~ is  convenient for ... rent is generallly higher ...  
  
... necessary to locat~~ed~~ in the urban center
@summerlin  
Hi just to add  
E-commerce actually doesn't completely replace in-store purchases. it's more of about your niche (since you are going to be generalizing the focus as Mary suggested). for example, you can't buy a house online or a car e.t.c but the online experience would help you make your decision faster and more effectively because of reviews from other customers. This is called Moment of truth in Marketing. you might want to read on this, might help you get more content for your essay.  
  
Cheers
Hello, answer your question,  
  
In my opinion, I mention the opposite view in my writing. Not only because it can let your article look completely but you can address your view point to against it, showing how strong your point is. However, I admit that is hard since it's easy to be off-topic or let examiner feel you don't support your view properly.  
  
So if I make the point of opposite, I try to use some rather "weak points", which are easy to refute.  
  
Hope it helps!
yes. online shopping is replacing in stores.Today people are very busy that they wont time for shopping.The one who works in company will be having tight schedule, that after work hours they don't even get time for their family.So upon that shopping etc will be unimaginable for them,So for those people this online shopping has become really very helpful.Within their fingertips, now every thing is available, that too by spending less amount of time.  
  
On the other side, we cant trust most of the sites, we cant make sure whether the quality quantity marks up to the description before it reaches our doorsteps.Sometimes we will be receiving something utterly different from what we have ordered.So in that sense we cant completely trust and depend on online shopping, so people prefer to visit stores, so that they can buy whatever by seeing in prior itself.
MANY COUNTIES SPEND A LOT OF MONEY IN ART. SOME PEOPLE THINK INVESTMENT IN ART IS NECESSARY, BUT OTHERS SAY MONEY IS BETTER SPENT ON PUBLIC SERVICES AND FACILITIES. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION.  
  
## some governments tend to invest in art

  
  
Currently, it has been obvious / evident that increasing governments tend to invest art. However, whether funding for the arts or in essential services and infrastructures roused a heated discussion in the public.  
  
From someone's view, it is believed that increasing investment of art will be benefit to improve citizens' level of culture. Specifically, how to keep the cost is an artist the important one of most of consideration. To earn profits, galleries and museums have to increase tickets' price. It will make some people are not willing to visit exhibitions. If the government give some funds, more people will get chances to entrance galleries.  
  
However, there is another argument that limited(adj.) funds ought to use in other aspect, like free education. As is well known, in the some poor regions, because of lack of money, a large number of families are disable to offer education for their children, but everyone child should have right to attain education, which require that the government offer free education chances in children's primary and high level.  
  
As well as free education, improving facilities is also another requirement. To illustrate, Good infrastructures can ensure criticizes' health and life. For instance, cleaner water systems give a healthy environment for people, which make them reduce diseases. Besides, well transport systems make people have more convenient life, and no longer facing traffic jam. Compared with arts, it is more useful for most of citizens.  
  
Personally, investment on public service and facilities rather than on art makes sense, due to free education and fitness facilities. As for the so-called improving people's level of culture, higher education also can have the same affect.
@Miracle0819  
I believe this is an IELTS discussion essay. You have some problems with grammar. You need to learn to use tenses properly. Also learn about active and passive voice and how to form these sentences.  
  
Overall, you have been able to discuss both views and present your opinion.  
  
~~From someone's view~~, it is believed that ...  
  
Instead say:Many people believe that that government funding ...  
  
~~As well as~~ Along with free education,..
Qi Ji, everything about this essay presentation is going to make it fail. You failed to offer a proper prompt paraphrase and you did not clearly discuss the topic points of view and personal opinion in the essay. The whole essay is confusing and does not make sense. Let me start with the first problem in your essay, the first paragraph also known as the paraphrase statement.  
  
To start off, you should never use a slash mark to indicate a choice of words in your essay. You must be decisive and confident in your word choice so that you only use one word to describe what you mean in the essay. You lose points for being apprehensive about your word choice as that removes the academic tone and presentation of your paragraph. It is also important that you learn the true use of the opening statement, that is, to prove that you understood the topic and instructions for the discussion by stating it again for the examiner in your own words. That is not what you did in this opening statement you presented. Here is a representation of a more effective opening paraphrase:  
  
*Countries have been known to allot a large part of their budget for the promotion of artistry. However, there are a number of people who believe that the money allotted to arts should be redirected towards social needs and requirements instead. This essay will discuss this topic by presenting reasons for both points of view. I will also be offering my own opinion regarding the topic towards the end of the essay presentation.*  
  
Do not use grammar identifications such as (adj.) in the presentation. That is unnecessary. The examiner knows what to look for in terms of your word usage and presentation. That makes it look like you are lecturing the examiner, which you should not be doing since you cannot know better than the person administering the test.  
  
There are major problems with your sentence presentation, structure, and word usage. It would be best if you do not write essays yet because the mistakes in your presentation show that you do not have even a basic control of English grammar, usage, and development. Which means that the paragraphs are not coherent, does not make sense, and is not presenting itself in a manner that the reader can understand. These are the main reasons why this essay is not going to get even close to a passing score in an actual setting. Try to develop your basic English written skills first, then try to write simple essay sentences. I hope you are not planning to take the IELTS test any time soon because this essay makes it very obvious that you are nowhere near prepared to take this all too important English test.  
  
I will stop reviewing your essay at this point because it it pointless to show you the other mistakes when you have a serious writing problem to address first. Fix the sentence presentations first then we can move on to working on the other important errors in your write. Right now, it would be useless to do that.
Amber , the first half of the essay seems to contain repetitive information in succeeding paragraphs. This makes the essay less informative and boring to read. From the second paragraph where you mention the data relating to the percentage of users that use multimedia devices and social media, your next paragraph should present additional information regarding the percentage of users hacked via social media or multimedia devices. After that paragraph, you can explain how this is done in a more specific manner. For example, how is an open port in a blue tooth device exploited to steal information or spy of users? How do social media accounts get hacked so that vital information is stolen? Why is swiping a credit card or using an ATM card in an unsecured location a cybersecurity threat? There needs to be more specific information explaining how this happens and what the repercussions are so that the importance of cybersecurity can be highlighted in your report. From there, you also need to deliver paragraphs explaining how simple protection can be put into place, without focusing only on social media, but also on credit card use, wifi security, and other similar topics. Remember, social media is not the only source of hacks. So your essay needs to cover at least 2-3 of these potentially unsecure fields in order to be more applicable to the title. You may also want to revise your opening statement a bit in order to include a reference to the suggestions as to how simple precautionary measures on the part of the user can go a long way. Try to focus on explaining what and how a person becomes a cyberscurity target because your essay only focuses on explanations, but not a depiction of the typical individual target. Companies are always targets due to their client information on file, but why is a client targeted for hacking in the first place? That is the big question that your essay should also address.
*Dear mentors,  
please evaluate my essay and give your precious suggestion to improve my writings.  
thanks in advance for your time and kindness.*  
  
I am trying to improve my writing up to the level that secure my band 7.5  
  
**Rich countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employees who are from poor countries. Do you agree or disagree? (Cambridge 10)**  
  
## **allowing employment for poor countries workers**

  
  
A discussion has been presented regarding the talented workers from the third world countries should be employed in affluent part of the world. This employment contributes in reducing the poverty as either an accepted or an unaccepted issue in the modern age. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons as to why I am in strong agreement with this proposal.  
  
Creating employment opportunities in developed nations for qualified worker, who live in under developed regions, are one of effective ways to help their country economy. When the workers are employed in the developed areas, they will able to spend more on their families who live in their home countries. Ultimately, their earnings become a remittance of their countries. Such increase in national revenues leads a growth in economy. Henceforth, such employment in wealthy areas must be bringing affluence for the less privilege regions.  
  
In addition, allowing the kind of employments is also convenient in terms of cost for foreign employers. By such employment, they can avoid the conducting training, which are mostly time-intensive. It implies that when affluent parts of the world offer employment for skilled workers of poor nations, they can make the reduction of cost in certain segments, giving the rise to the gross profit of their corporations. Eventually, an increase in the profit in any corporation contributes in the country economy.  
  
To conclude, it is evident that hiring workers from deprived nations also plays a pivotal role in boosting the poor economy. However, it also works for sustainable economic growth for the blooming nations. In this regards, I totally agree that the knowledgeable workers of undeveloped countries should be more employed by advanced countries.
@sfiza, in my opinion, this essay will score between a 5 and a 6 due to some problems with the essay presentation. The first problem with the essay is the opening statement. The first sentence lacks a topic reference. You tried so hard to impress the reviewer with your flowery language that you lost sight of the topic for discussion and that your presentation was not in accordance with the original prompt presentation. In reference to the original prompt presentation, you also forgot that this is not an "emotional" essay but a mere "opinion" essay. So the emotional strength of your agreement is misplaced. Here is a sample of how this prompt restatement should have gone:  
  
*There is an ongoing discussion regarding the ability of rich countries to employ talented workers from underprivileged nations. The opinion is that the rich regions should hire these working people because they are capable of accomplishing the tasks. In this essay, I will present reasons that will support my agreement with this point of view.*  
  
Your supporting paragraphs are strong, logical, but developed with faults that often prevent you from conveying the meaning of the sentence / paragraph. Try to avoid using interconnected statements though and provide individual sentences instead. The tendency will be for you to create run-on sentences in those instances and that will affect the GRA rating of your essay. Practice developing your sentences because you have a problem in structuring these in a coherent manner.  
  
The concluding statement is also strong, but carries an "emotional" response again, which, like I said above, is unnecessary in the presentation. Overall though, you did a pretty good job. Keep writing at this level and improving your word sources and sentences so that you can gain the 7.5 score that you are aiming for. It looks like you are well on your way to doing just that.
**Nowadays food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live?**  
  
## delicious, tasty food

  
  
Over the pass few decades, together with the advantages of technologies are the change of human basic need. Individuals requirement for "delicious food", not just to "fullfill the hunger" like before. They want to have more tastes and invent new complex recipe. How are those invention chage citizen habit lifes? Let us discuss this trend in follow essay.  
  
Just as mention before, customers appetites modern day more strictly than in the past, specialy for upper class who use to enjoy their meal in luxury restaurants. So, in order to satisfied their consumers, chiefs has to enhance their dishes more complex but within same amount of prepare time. This is where the latest modern equipment take part in, ingredients will be easier and faster to take care of with minimum affect it quality. This will give chiefs more time to focus on nutrition and savor the taste of their food.  
  
Furthermore, technologies also help civilian make more qualities food with less time in their resident. They now will have more time to for entertaiment themselves such as pursue their hobbies or take care of their family. For students and researchers who use to stressful all the time, this really extremely improve of their life.  
  
On the other hand, advance invention also lead to the growing of fast food industries, their restaurants pop-up everywhere just like mushrooms after the rain. Even this really convenient for those who dont have time to treat themselves home-made food, the increasingly of the concerns about obesity rate which is already pretty high western countries and many place in the world. Besides, the progress of frozen and defrost which is usually use for materials of food also destroy vitamin and nutritions, not to mention those food will be less tasty than fresh one.  
  
In conclusion, indeed that the latest technologies improve the quality of individual lifes. Yet, people should have treat technologies as a supporter and not to dependent on it.
Mylene, this is an essay that will fail on so many levels in an actual test due to to your unfamiliarity with the English language, the method of presenting English sentences, and the use of English vocabulary. Those are just the basic problems of your essay that does not even include that the coherence and cohesiveness of your paragraphs are so faulty, I almost felt like giving up on reading it and just slapping you with a failing grade. That said, I now have to give you an itemized scoring decision in order to show you how you can improve your work for your future practice tests.  
  
Task Accuracy - 4 - your ideas are only partially respond to the task using difficult to understand positions and minimal detail. Since you did not provide the complete original prompt as required in this forum, I cannot assess the depth of your paraphrasing error. I however, am sure that the paraphrase is incorrect and incomplete because the discussion instruction is not properly represented in your opening paraphrase. Additionally, you have posed a question in the opening statement, which is almost an exact replica of the original question. Since you are not allowed to pose questions in the paraphrase, as that is to be given in a statement form, and you did not change the question in a significant manner, you will be scored even less by the actual examiner.  
  
C & C - 4 - The ideas that you present are not clear enough to the reader. You lack the presentation of a coherent and cohesive paragraph because you somehow end up combining 2 mid sentences into one sentence instead of a completely presented sentence. This creates confusing presentations in the paragraphs on your part.  
  
LR - 3 - - the essay abounds with misused English words such as "pass" (meaning to go through) instead of "past" (an event that has already happened), "chief" (meaning of highest rank or office) rather than the appropriate "chef" (trained professional cook), and other mistakes too numerous to mention here. There is a clear lack of understanding of English terms that results in a limited use of English vocabulary as well.  
  
GRA - 4 - most of the sentences written are faulty due to the wrong term usage which ends up creating a comprehension problem for the reader. This results in a difficult to read essay that more often than not, fails to properly inform the reader.  
  
Based on these mistakes, I have to sadly tell you that there is no way this type of writing can pass in an actual setting. However, if you continue to apply yourself in your lessons, read the dictionary in order to understand English word meanings, and try to practice English sentence development using free online sources or apps, you should begin to show improvement over time.