dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the real value of sports stars

  
  
It is believed that sports are seen as social cohesion and a factor that affirms a country's position. So, being sport professionals is considered an extreme dream job with high remuneration. However, It has become a controversial issue in the entire world. A growing number of people believe that they should be not overpaid with their contribution. I tend to agree with this opinion and this essay will support my view with examples.  
  
Firstly, Sport player' salaries are higher than skilled workers such as doctors, teachers, residents and so forth. In fact, each individual in the workforce plays an important role in contributing to the national income in a country and every player does their job as many others. Like sport stars, the president is often snowed under with paperwork. However, in some countries, the salary of president is even lower than sport stars. For example, in 2018, the salary of Neymar- a Brazilian striker in a week is more than the US president's income a year. Therefore, pay's sport start is not fair for well- educated works.  
  
Another reason why we can object to their high salary is that they have bonus and overtime pay. In sport leagues, the winners are often received lots of bonuses from sponsors and sports leagues of the nation. Moreover, every sport professional often has their own business and their fame brings them more advertising contract as well. So, if they are paid a lower salary, it would be possible to have enough money to cover their life.  
  
In conclusion, there is no doubt this payment is not only higher than skilled workers but also it includes their bonus and their overtime pay. I believe this remuneration should be changed in the fairest way. As a result, no one will be motivated to work anymore.
@nguyenholinhchi  
Hi there.I have a few words to say on this.  
  
Paragraph 2  
1. Sport players' salaries  
  
Paragrapgh 3  
1. ...the winners ~~are~~ often receive~~d~~...  
  
Paragrapgh 4  
1. ...but ~~it~~ also includes their ...  
2. I don't really understand your closing sentence => "as a result, no one will be motivated to work anymore". Honestly, it doesn't have any direct correlation to your previous statement. And you make it sounds like fair remuneration will make people unmotivated to work. Doesn't make sense, right?
I would suggest simplifying your language to make your sentences more precise and comprehensive. It would be appreciated by readers if you could make your sentences as straightforward as possible, especially because the essay that you have already includes quite a technical topic.  
  
*For instance, I would paraphrase your introductory sentence as:  
Drones are commonly used because of their functions and capacities. There is a growing influence of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles (UAV) on people's lives.*  
Take note that I used the typical sentence formatting than making an irregular sentence. I also have switched over firstly using the full name of a terminology before introducing an acronym. This is standard formatting as well.  
  
Furthermore, in your paragraph for the solutions section, I would suggest not starting this portion with nevertheless. This is quite an odd introduction. Rather, simply have an organic flow by omitting it and starting the sentence directly into the point of your thesis statement.
## consumer products at an affordable price

  
  
Consumers can meet their personal demand with a wider range of diverse products at a cheaper price. Although the living standard of people may be advantageous, its demerits of this trend cannot be overlooked.  
  
There are several benefits such as improved living standards and basic needs so that more people have the opportunities to select from more options.  
One advantage could be that electronic devices can be bought at lower prices while still maintaining a variety of features and greater speed of processing such as Android cell phones are available in the market at an acceptable price. This leads to every student can afford so as to improve their study efficiency.  
  
Secondly, consumers spend a lesser amount of monthly expenditure on basic necessities such as clothes, food. This helps us saving money for other aspects of life such as education, entertainment, and health.  
  
On the other hand, purchasing cheaper products brings certain drawbacks.  
Firstly, people are purchasing things that do not even need. For example, a single person has multiple cell phones and they are busy all day with their cell phones and the internet. Thus people are becoming less social.  
  
Another drawback could be that fast food, which contains high levels of fat and calories, causes develop health problems such as obesity, cardiovascular diseases, and digestive diseases. This leads to have a negative effect on the quality of life and waste money on medical treatment.  
  
Taking everything into consideration, availability of consumer products at an affordable price is a positive trend as it helps people to lead a better life. However, the negative sides of this trend cannot be forgotten. Social, personal and health problems are ever increasing due to this and it might be a serious threat for the future generation.
Watch out for sentences which are long and dragging. You have a tendency to over-complicate the language - which will not be beneficial for you especially if you are looking into making your essay more comprehensible for the users. What you can do is to attempt to omit words which do not add value to your sentences.  
  
*For instance, let's take into account your second paragraph's second to the last sentence. I would rephrase that instead as:  
One advantage is that there are Android devices that are bought at lower prices in the market that still have various features and advantageous processing times.*  
  
What I did was attempt to compress all your descriptions into a single sentence. You can master this technique through practicing more.  
Your third paragraph appears to be hanging as well. You can merge this with your fourth paragraph with a little bit of usage of transitions. Hanging paragraphs like this do nothing for the professional structure of your essay, hence I suggest that you look into altering them or shifting them a bit.  
  
Furthermore, I would also suggest that you change your transition for the second portion of the essay wherein you discuss the drawbacks of the products. *You had already utilized the number system as a transition, therefore I would recommend that you opt for an alternative to avoid redundant language that do not contribute to the flow of your essay*.
Shall we also highlight the cause of cheaper products?  
For an example the low wage labor in Asia or the technology development in machining and automation. After that we can explore the merits and drawbacks from them.  
  
It would be better to divide your points in to two layers, i.e. social level and individual level.  
For an example in social level, over-consumption would lead to numerous environmental damages, such as green house gas emission and burden to landfill.  
  
Also, there are certain drawbacks from individual point of view. Values and moral education, gratitude to natural resources and etc.  
  
Cheers
## is it true that libraries have lost their significance?

  
  
**Some people think that public libraries are no longer important while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.**  
  
It is argued by some individuals that libraries have lost their significance over the past few decades while there are others who consider them as an indispensable part of the society. Both the opposing arguments will be discussed before a reasoned conclusion is decided upon.  
  
To begin with, there are umpteen reasons why people assert that libraries are not required nowadays. Firstly, they maintain that the cumbersome tasks of going to the library and investing time in searching the books have been simplified by the introduction of the internet. Along with this, various gadgets such as iPads and smartphones provides quick and easy access to information. Thus, the internet equips the users to acquire knowledge in an expeditious manner which completely rules out the possibility of going to the libraries. In addition, plenty of individuals claim that the maintenance of public libraries involves a lot of expenditure which puts a burden on the government funds.  
  
However, many others see libraries as a crucial part of society. They believe that libraries are recreational places where people can socialize and gain knowledge at the same time. Moreover, in some public libraries, there may be a provision of a wide range of archaic and local documents which would not otherwise be available on the internet, for obtaining information. In addition, libraries provide a serene and comfortable environment in which the readers can read without the presence of any distractions. Therefore, the libraries offer a lot of benefits to the people and they are considered to be irreplaceable.  
  
In summary, after looking at these two opposing views, it can be seen that although libraries are being replaced by various gadgets, and they require high maintenance yet the advantages of libraries certainly outweigh the disadvantages. Hence, it is felt that libraries are an invaluable asset to society in terms of fostering social relationships along with providing extensive information.
Look into your usage of punctuation. For instance, there should have been a comma in between decades and while in the structure of your introduction because they're two independent thoughts/clauses. Watch out for small mistakes such as this that can compromise the overall quality of your essay.  
  
Furthermore, I also suggest integrating the first sentence of the second paragraph into the first paragraph. Afterwards, you may briefly introduce the points you are about to tackle. If you follow this structure, you can create a more structured essay that is easier to read for the people.  
  
I also suggest looking into developing more innovative or extensive arguments that are for the proliferation of libraries. For instance, your thoughts regarding how the provision of archaic documents is not easily available in the internet is contestable. There are culturally and historically relevant documents that are now being digitized because of the costs of preservation. Instead, perhaps you can discuss the reason why these libraries still contribute to the overall well-being of its community despite the costly maintenance. Discuss its social and cultural implications; analyze why these implications persist and are still relevant in spite of all the controversy surrounding them.  
  
Aside from that, I think that your overall grammar usage is good enough. Keep up the work.
@freshjul287  
I suggest that you review usage of articles and other grammar-related words. You should as well look into subject-verb agreements. There were a couple of mistakes scattered throughout the essay that I believe can easily be fixed through reviewing those material. The person above is right about capitalization.  
  
There were instances in your essay wherein you should have omitted a few words to better the flow. For instance, your third paragraph is heavily structured. You could avoid this through creating shorter and more straightforward sentences. If you feel as though you can opt to make two sentences out of a single one, then it is best that you do that.  
  
As for the content of your essay, it seems a bit imbalanced. You had two paragraphs dedicated for the benefits - however, you only had one that discusses the possible risks. While I think that this is because you're leaning more towards the benefits angle than the risks, you should still try to balance.  
  
Furthermore, argumentative essays have a specific tone in them that is absent in here. Your essay came off more as an informative one because of how it articulated everything. Try refuting more than you are establishing claims.  
  
You're on the track. Just make sure that you follow through with your tone and structure.
Hi there, Jul.  
Let me have a few words on this.  
  
1. Do not capitalise the word wher it shouldn't be. You do that to vaccine and vaccination.  
2. The length of your body paragrapgh 1 and 2 is not equal. It just looks imbalanced. Try to make the word count equal.  
3. In the last statement of your fourth paragraph,l you mentioned that parents who are uneducated, and so on. Try to add one more sentence of how to prevent this from happening. Maybe from socializing it or something like that.  
  
See ya.
Before I comment, you must know that I am amazed by your spirit to be in college. You are 53 and still having such a young spirit. Alright, let's move on from the small talks.  
  
First paragraph. It would be better to remove the overuse of pronoun use in "We the people, despite the anger, we prayed, we cried, we displayed". Turn it into something easier to read, for instance "we, Americans, despite the anger, prayed, cried and displayed".  
  
I also notice some misuse of punctuation and full stop which I believe you can easily tackle after re-reading.  
  
Last, I love how you close the essay with a moment of pause to emphasize on the "United"
Oh my. I see.. Now I am more amazed. I believe that you can achieve whatever it is you want to achieve if you strive. And, I believe that you can because you are already showing that you are a person who is capable of striving. You remind me of my friend. He is a great person, just like you. What I admire from people like you guys are no matter how harsh the world might have treated you, you still want to give your best to be as useful as possible to others. That takes a huge heart.  
  
Don't ever let anyone break you down. I am sure that you can do it. Good luck! and have a nice day too.
## underground systems statistics

  
  
The table compares the data about the underground systems of railway in six cities.  
It is noticeable from the table that the underground railway of London, which was built earliest in the six systems, is also the longest one. Besides, Tokyo's railway surpasses the others in delivering the number of passengers per annual.  
  
Look clearly to the table, we can see that London opened its underground systems considerably early since 1983 while the railway system in Los Angeles is the newest, come into use in 2001, nearly 140 years later. Furthermore, the quantity of people in Tokyo travelling by underground railway per year stands in the leading position, by 1927 millions. In opposite, the systems in Kyoto and Los Angeles only serve no more than 50 millions passengers in one year period.  
  
Moreover, the length of London's underground system is the greatest one, by 394 kilometers, twice the second longest one in Paris. However, Kyoto and Los Angeles own the shortest underground railway systems, just 11 and 28 kilometers respectively.
My first recommendation is for you to condense your writing. This is especially useful for ESL learners because it minimizes the possibility of you committing fundamental errors (run-on sentences, wrong usage of relative clauses and punctuation, etc.).  
  
*For instance, I would revise your second line as:  
It can be seen from the table that the earliest underground railway of London is also its longest.*  
Simply shifting around the words would enable you to have more structure in your essay.  
Review your usage of punctuation. You had a tendency to overuse it, disrupting the overall flow of your narration.  
The overall outline of your essay can be quite confusing as well. I would suggest that you create a more organized approach to explaining the table. For instance, you can discuss firstly the history and the length of time that the railway has been up. Afterwards, you can delve into the quantity of flow of people who use the system itself.  
  
Apart from that, I would suggest that you include the table next time so that we can provide a proper writing assessment.  
Best of luck.
I'm really thankful when someone helps me improve this essay. Thank you!  
  
## Waste statistics

  
  
The line graph illustrates how much waste three companies released during a 15 year period from 2000 to 2015. Units are measured in tonnes.  
Overall, while the amount of waste produced witnessed a decrease in 2 companies A and B, the opposite was true for the figure for company C.  
  
In 2000, company A held the leading position by releasing 12 tonnes waste while the figures for company B and C were nearly 9 and just above 3 respectively. Over the following 5 years, the amount of waste produced by company A declined slightly by approximately 1. By contrast, both company B and C experienced a moderate rise of nearly 2 in 2005.  
  
The amount of waste released by company A had stood at 11 by 2005 and dropped considerablely by nearly 3 during the following 10 years. In 2005, the figure for company B peaked at nearly 10 before undergoing a dramatical decrease of 7 at the end of period. Meanwhile, a significant climb of 4 was recorded in the amount of waste produced by company C during a 10 year period from 2005 to 2015.  
  
*
Hey Kim!  
  
You have described the data provided in the line graph with comparison among the three companies but you have failed to mention the data for years 2010 and 2015.  
  
The main errors I find in the essay are grammatical ones. Another thing to consider, is the sentence framework.  
  
Sample correction -  
  
The line graph given below illustrates the amount of waste produced by three companies over a span of 15 years starting from 2000 to 2015. ~~units~~ Waste is ~~are~~ measured in tonnes.  
  
... true for the figures ~~for~~ of company C.  
  
Next time, just go through the whole data once more.  
Good Luck! :)
@DoctorWho Thanks for your feedback. I divided into 2 periods of time that were 2000-2005 and 2005-2015 for 2 bodies so i didn't mention the data for years 2010. I tried to describe the general trend of each periods cause I thought it would be complex if i mentioned much data. I'll correct my errors. Can u help me distinguish "figure for" and "figure of"? I was taught that "for" was usually attached to "figure". Thanks a lot <3
## history knowledge for children

  
  
**QUESTION:****Some people believe that it is more important to teach children the literature and history of their own country, rather than the literature and history of other countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
**Answer:**  
  
People have different views about the teaching of national versus international literature and history in schools. From my perspective, I believe that it is equally essential for children to learn both national and global history and literature.  
  
On the one hand, it is necessary to teach the local literature and history in schools. Having knowledge of national history, children could know more about where they live and understand the wars against invaders, which took place in their countries. From that, they would have a positive attitude towards their own homelands, develop a sense of identity and have a sense of responsibility for their nations. For example, children in Vietnam are taught the wars against France and the United States, and this can help them understand the value of independence and make them be responsible for preserving it.  
  
As well as learning the local literature and history, children should also be taught foreign novels and historical events. As a result of it, pupils can be able to comprehend the culture and people's characteristics of other countries and this can help children in the future. For instance, if high school students knew Russia's contribution to bringing an end to the second world war, they could gain an insight into Russian people's personality. Russia symbolizes generosity, bravery, and reliability. Knowing this, when being adults, children could decide on going to live in Russia or cooperating with Russian businesses as reliable and trusted partners.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that it is reasonable and beneficial to teach children both national and foreign history and literature.
From your introductory paragraph, I suggest changing your transition word between global history and literature into alongside.  
This, therefore, would result to:  
*It is equally essential for children to learn both national and global history alongside literature.*  
This will ensure that you are not repetitive in your language - which essentially means that your essay would be better overall in terms of flow.  
  
Also, watch out for your usage of punctuation and relative clauses. You have a tendency to have small mishaps in these two sections in particular. Avoid redundancy in your language; and you're doing good. What this means primarily is that you need to make sure that you aren't repeating your thoughts throughout the text.  
  
Aside from these things, a subtle overview and review of grammar would also assist you in terms of structure. I have noticed that your essay has a lot of seemingly *dragging* or *run-on sentences*. To avoid this, I would suggest that you look into shortening your phrasing and being as straightforward as you possibly can be.
In paragraph two write "to teach local literature." Remove the comma after invaders. Remove "From that" and write This knowledge would cause a positive attitude....The last sentence ....and the United States helping them understand.....  
  
In paragraph three remove "of it" and write .."characteristics of other countries helping the children....." ...could gain insight into the personality of the Russian people.... Change the last sentence to read "With this knowledge when becoming adults, children could make the decision to live in Russia or cooperate with........  
  
Your paper is very good and I agree with your point.
please help me get pass score in ielts test by giving your comments bellow!  
  
## fast food consumption statistics - uk

  
  
We can see how many pence people use for fast food by the bar chart and how fast food is used by the line chart.  
  
Overall, people with different salary seem to choose the most hamburgers, especially high income group. Besides, during 2 decades, trend of using Hamburgers increase compared with Fish and Chips, Pizza.  
  
At the bar chart, people with high salary spend more than 40 pence for Hamburgers per week while amount of Fish and Chips, Pizza chosen just reach approximately 20 pence. With medium salary, they consume the most Hamburgers but Fish and Chips consumption is also the largest in all of income groups. With people have poor life standards, all kinds of fast food are used with under 20 pence.  
  
At the line chart, from 1970 to about 1982, Fish and Chips were always top of fast food but after that, they even become the lowest position with over 200 grammes in 1990. Hamburgers started at under 100 grammes in 1970 and then rocketed significantly to over 500 grammes which was the lead in 1990. Besides, Pizza had stable-increasing speed.  
  
Thanks for reading