dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The first sentence of your summary overview should have been divided into 2 sentences because you are describing 2 unrelated images. Since the images are far different from one another, you should be describing these based on individual requirements or information coverage. This should have allowed you to better meet the 3-5 sentence requirement for the paragraph. It would have been better for your summary overview + trending statement consideration if you had merged the first 2 presentations into a single paragraph. It would have created a more concise summary presentation on your part and, allowed you more easily meet the paragraph sentence requirement. After all, based on the images presented, this is only a 3 paragraph essay:  
  
Par. 1: Summary overview + trending statement  
Par. 2: Line chart information and comparison  
Par. 3: Pie chart information and comparison  
  
You seem to have forgotten that the Task 1 essay has a time allotment of only 20 minutes. Based on the time allowance, you should only be writing anywhere from 175-190 words maximum. You actually wrote 248 words, 2 words short of the Task 2 minimum word requirement. The task 2 essay has a 40 minute time allotment. So it appears to me that you would not have been able to properly write this Task 1 essay within 20 minutes based on your word count and number of paragraphs provided. There is a reason why the 3 paragraph format is most recommended, it allows you to write a comparative report with time left over for the editing of your work. This is just a straightforward report, you don't need to overwrite nor overthink the presentation. Use less words in the task 1 essay. Focus on information delivery using a quick and summarized manner.
## The Analysis of Birth Statistics

  
  
The line graph illustrates fluctuations in China's and the US birth rates from 1920 to 2000.  
As can be seen from the chart, both the USA and China experienced a global downward trend by varying degrees in the birth rates. However, the birth rate of the USA in most years was higher than that of China.  
  
The birth rates in the US fluctuated around 12% in the 1920-1935 period before decreasing dramatically to below 5% in 1945. In contrast, there was a sharp increase to exactly 15% in 1950, which was its highest point during the 80-year period, followed by a gradual decrease to 7% in the last year in the birth rate of the US.  
  
Over the same period, the birth rate in China varied more significantly than in the US. After witnessing volatility in the first 15 years, the birth rate of China fell substantially by 10% in 1940, after which the period until 1945 unchanged. On the other hand, it grew steeply by 15% to reach a peak of 20% in 1950, compared with a rapid decline of approximately 20% from 1950 onwards.  
  
*
You accidentally created a run-on sentence int he second paragraph. The sentence after the first one, which was separated only by commas, should have been separate into one comma presentation, a period, then a new sentence so the format would have been ------------.--------, -------------.-----------. The diagram indicates a 3 sentence, rather than a 2 sentence presentation for that part. By the way, in the 3rd paragraph, it would be better if you did not say , "On the other hand" if you did not previously indicate "On the one hand". The phrase loses its significant comparative meaning of the word pairing is not properly used.  
  
Good work using the 3 paragraph format. You properly grouped the discussion, creating a clarity in your presentation that would definitely boost the C&C score of your presentation. The discussion is clear, the information are related within the USA and China comparative context, and all the comparison information was formally presented to the reader. It shows that you clearly focused on the proper analysis and presentation of information as required by the discussion requirements.
1. Not like @ Holt feedback, I suppose that you use the structure of 4 paragraphs because I have been read lots of format like this. However, you should try to put the overview and introduction in one paragraph, make your presentation in 3 paragraphs only.  
  
2. In your first sentence or the introduction, you need to pharaphase the topic in tandem with don't use the world to demonstrate the trend in first sentence.  
  
3. Use some word to illustrate the opposite of figure such as in contrast, meanwhile... don' use "on the one hand" like @ Holt feedback  
4. Because the figures are not accurately, thus, need more concentrate on some words illustrate the uncertain figure such as approximately, in the vicinity of, roughly...  
  
5. Need to paraphrase the word "birth rate" => birth proportion, birth ratio...
## Prohibition of smoking in public

  
  
In recent years, many governments have brought in laws to ban smoking in public places, such as bars, restaurants and offices  
To what extend do you agree or disagree with banning smoking in public places?  
It is claim that many governments have created some laws against smoking in crowded areas like bars, restaurants, offices, etc. This essay is totally agree with this action because not only smoking harms the environment, people who are nearby but also may cause some fires.  
  
Truthfully, smoking is one of the biggest enemies to our health, specifically our breathing system. Cigarette contains an addictive substance called nicotine which you may have bad breath, inferior breathing system and even cancer. From what I have learnt, these symptoms not only affecting those smoking directly but also have bad influence to people standing nearby breathing the smoke released by cigarette. Therefore, smoking in public places will place a severe sickness to many people. For example, there are few cases in Vietnam reported for having an inferior lung or problems to breathe due to the nicotine or smoke even though they have not consumed any cigarette.  
  
Moreover, cigarette's ashes are sometimes considered to be a sort of causes of fire in many place. Starkly, fire from the cigarette doesn't effaced away immediately when they throw it away. Ergo, if there are some flammable materials passes by, a big fire emerges without alerting. For instance, the world has been involved in lightened jungles caused by cigarette's ashes which led to some remarkable consequences.  
  
Finally, the nicotine in the cigarette is regarded to be the most direct stimulant that leads to many deaths. It is understandable that people who smoke consume the nicotine and many other bad ingredients straightly to their lungs. As a consequence, it causes many illness which can be enumerated as lung cancer and other deadly symptoms. Realistically, roughly most of the patient who have breath's problems are usually affected by smoking. Furthermore, lung cancer is the solemn sickness with no cure leading to many deaths not only in Vietnam but also the world acknowledged by sheer amount of both intellectual and non-intellectual human. So banning it in the public places will somehow restrain smoker's thirsts and may help them abandon it coincidently.  
  
To conclude, smoking is extremely harmful and deadly to whom who smoke or just stand nearby breathing under the same air. So that, I assume smoking should be banned and we need do propagandize more about its harm and disadvantages.
@QuocHuu  
Hi Quoc Huu! This is my comment for your presentation.  
1. Because the title maybe related to the ilets writing task 2, thus, your presentation is too long more than 400 words while the standards of task 2 only around 250 words  
  
2. Some mistakes in your presentation that you should concentrate on:  
- It is claimed  
- bad influence ~~to~~  on  
- a severe sickness  ~~to~~ for many people  
- cigarette~~'s~~ ashes (I'm not sure about this but I think possessive case only use for things and phenomena alive or when you use to personify things)  
  
- the cigarette doesn't efface~~d~~  
- many places  
- we need to do propagandize  
3. You use too much 'many' in one paragraph. Therefore, you should try another synonyms of that word such as lots of, various...  
4. From my perspectives, I don't think you should put some words like "just, " on the essay because they are informal and not able to transfer your message strongly.  
  
5. The structure of your essay is not good like one essay that you post on the forum. 5 paragraphs not suitable in this case, it make the essay to long, 4 paragraphs enough. You should follow the feedback of @ Holt to fix your presentation and your performance.  
  
Best Regards!
## Access to modern technology

  
  
The graph below shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK.  
SUMMARISE THE INFORMATION BY SELECTING AND REPORTING THE MAIN FEATURES AND MAKE COMPARISONS WHERE RELEVANT.  
  
The line graph depicts the change in the usages in homes of latest devices in the UK namely CD player, cellphone, desktop PC and the Internet from 1996 to 2003.  
  
As can be seen, the figure for all of the newest gadgets climbed sharply over the period shown. Moreover, CD player made up the biggest share while the least was the Internet.  
  
In 1996/97, about 60% population of Britain used CD player and this figure was up to over 80% in the final year. Similarly, personal computer showed the same trend and doubled from around 25% to over 50% in 2002/03.  
  
Besides, cellphone had the most significant increase which began at just under 20% then peaked at 70% despite some fluctuations during the the period. In 1998/99, the appearance of the Internet experienced an exponential growth in the pattern of residental access to this application. To be specific, access to the Internet held a share of 10% at the beginning and after that, skyrocketed to approximately 50% by the end of the period.  
  
(173 words)  
  
*   
*line graph*
The most comprehensive presentation in this format is the last paragraph because it has a complete paragraph presentation of 3 sentences within the paragraph. You have not properly grouped the discussion into the better format of 3 paragraphs per task 1 essay. in the 3 paragraph format, you would have have more complete paragraph presentations, fully developed information presentations because you would have focused on the accuracy of your content instead of the length.  
  
Your presentation, because you split it up too much, did not even introduce the overlapping information that could clearly be seen (at a glance) within the image provided. That is part of the scoring consideration that you could have included in the 3 paragraph format. The 4 paragraph format is not effective when you only have a 3 paragraph format indicator within the given image. You have to learn when to use the 3 paragraph format and when to use the 4 paragraph format. Here is a hint, 99 % of the Task 1 essays will score highly if you use the 3 paragraph format.
**Topic:**  
***Some people think it's better to choose friends who always have the same opinions as them. Other people believe it's good to have friends who sometimes disagree with them.***  
  
## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

  
  
There is no doubt that it is important to have a healthy friendship, thereby the choice of friends is from a high significance. Although some people believe that it is better to choose friends who have the same opinion on everything like them, I would argue that it is better to have friends who sometimes have a different way of thinking. This essay will look at both arguments and conclude that various opinions would have more positives on friendship.  
  
On the one hand, those who believe that we should always have the same opinion as our companions might argue that thereby we would rarely have arguments with them. The reason for this is that there is no opposite way of thinking, and this would lead to an agreement upon everything. This is beneficial for the duration of the friendship and the possibility of having the same goals and working on them together.  
  
However, I believe there are more advantages of having the opposite opinion sometimes. This could lead to a more dynamic and less boring friendship. If we always agree with our friends, our friendship could become monotonous and uninteresting. Beyond that, you can always learn something from the opposite way of thinking and develop your opinion by hearing different approaches. This is because a variety of angles of view can open new doors of knowledge.  
  
In conclusion, despite the positives that come with the continuous agreement in friendship, it is my firm belief that having sometimes different opinions leads to overall healthier friendships and broaden our horizons.
Hi,  
I've read you essay and I think your content and the examples are good. However, there are some mistakes I've found out:  
+ "On the other hand"  
+ " I would argue that it is better to ... -> this is your orient, why do you write '' look at both arguments and conclude that various opinions would have more positives on friendship.  
  
+ I can't understand this sentence" working on them together." -> I think just '' working together"  
These are my opinion. Have a good day!
The essay is missing your personal opinion of each public point of view. While you did present an argument of a personal note in your restatement paragraph, you neglected to fully explain what you think of each public point of view. Remember that the instruction is asking you discuss both points of view and give an opinion.So, you must present the public perception for each, then explain your belief about the public understanding in the same paragraph. That would allow you to fully discuss both points of view based on 2 considerations:  
  
- The public belief  
- Your understanding or belief of the given topic  
  
Your personal point of view need not use a stand alone paragraph when, as evident in this writing, you are capable of simply adding a sentence or two that would represent your personal opinion in a discussion integrated manner. that means, you have the ability to discuss both the public perception and your opinion in a related manner. Such a discussion would result in a higher final score for your essay as your C&C score will be boosted by the combined discussion presentation format.
**Topic :  
*Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.*  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
Similarity to some argue that music is an optimal choice for those who want to gather people from distinctive cultures and ages, I believe that music always plays an essential role in our society, particularly to unite and connect people from numerous nations in the world.  
  
Thanks to the proliferation of technology, music could be quickly widespread across borders between one nation and other nations. Even though people come from different backgrounds, cultures, and languages that it is struggled for them to understand the meaning of lyric when listening to foreign music, they do have the ability to experience the rhythm of the music. Therefore, people could evaluate the music video produce by international artists. Besides, if they fond of that, they could be one of the fan communities who love to listen to the music produce by these artists. Their group members will share the music and information related to that artist in tandem with a vast myriad of comments from fans from different cultures post on this topic and how they connect and build relationships among group members. For example, many Vietnamese people are keen on the K-pop music band and join together with communities from other countries to unite in one group who loves that band.  
  
The creation of music destroys the boundary among generations, utilizing the cutting-edge program, the producer could mix traditional music and modern music to create new music suitable for both old and young age. For instance, there is various remix music on the Internet, and some music contests are performed by music artists based on the traditional lyric and modern beat, which attract every generation from old to young.  
  
In conclusion, the power of music is enormous and unique in its ability to generate shared experiences among people from different cultures and ages.
There is no extent response in your essay as required by the original prompt. Therefore, your essay will not be given the best possible TA score. You failed to address the question directly with an extent response. While you did give an opinion in relation to the topic, the format is incorrect as there is no degree of agreement or disagreement given based on the 2 discussion topics. So your essay, though longer than usual, does not reflect the expected discussion format for the topic.  
  
Your first reasoning paragraph is running too long. It is over discussing but under representing the explanation. What I mean is that the clarity of your meaning is lost due to the existence of 2 different discussion topics in one paragraph. Your first reason is under represented when compared to the second topic in the same paragraph. You should always keep the stronger reasoning topic in the presentation. In this case, the second topic would have probably been the best choice.  
  
The second reasoning paragraph could also use more explanation in relation to clarity and further discussion developments. You gave an example in the paragraph but then failed to build on that example. So the paragraph is under developed in the presentation. The same goes for your single sentence conclusion. It doesn't really help the essay tie up the lose ends with a comprehensive discussion summary. Overall, the essay is not very good. I can see your potential as an essayist. However, this essay doesn't reflect your actual skills when it comes to proper essay writing.  
  
Please review the sample essays at this forum to help you further develop your writing skills and help you better understand the discussion requirements based on the prompt instructions. You will learn valuable lessons based on the mistakes of others. You will be sure to improve if you truly apply the advice given to others in your own writing.
## The news should be reliable

  
  
With the help of technology, the media become more vital in every corner of the world. A lot of individual believes that broadcasting or printing news should be reliable with fact and figure rather than arguments and obligations. Therefore, upcoming paragraphs will discuss the actual work of media industries with my notion regarding these statements.  
  
Firstly, news should be base on truth incident rather than manipulate the audience. Subsequently, industries should think more than twice before publishing any news because it might affect people's emotions. Last but not least, the media has to work for themselves growth but before that, they have clear thought in their mind that they are representing the nation in front of the world.  
  
Moreover, the main role and responsibility of the newspapers are to share and aware of the local audience. In addition, they can start the campaign for nation development like, advertise employment details, enlighten about the detrimental effect of pollution with a solution and many more. By this way, they will increase a customer base with reliability. For instance, many print media daily published one article for career-oriented women and they were discussed about new opportunities in the future. Therefore, this is the main purpose of newspaper industries.  
  
To conclude, newspaper publishers are become more selfish and focusing on ameliorating their publicity. Hence, I believe that not all news is always true and there will be some add-on story for awaking curiosity in readers.
The original prompt is:  
*Most people think that truth should be objective rather than subjective when it comes to news.  
Do you think all news true?  
What is the function of newspaper?*  
  
So, The first paragraph should be more accurate in its representation of the original discussion and question points. What you wrote was a made up introduction that is not related to the original prompt at all. A more similar one would have been:  
  
*News could be purposeful or introspective in presentation. I believe that news may be filled with half truths and half lies. Since the function of a newspaper is to inform people without bias, we have to consider all of the previously stated factors in relation to the purpose of a newspaper.*  
  
Your reasoning paragraphs are not strong. The topics are under developed, with little explanation, and are totally unrelated in discussion from reasoning paragraph 1 onward. The lack of clarity in the discussion is what made your presentation confusing to the reader. The presentation failed to truly support an explanation of your opinion because of grammar and clarity issues. You need to work on properly outlining your discussion topics and supporting sentences. Only when you can properly and clearly support single topics per paragraph will you be able to form properly developed paragraph presentations.
Please review my Toefl ibt essay. Thanks a lot!  
  
***DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT?  
Children should be required to help with household tasks.***  
***Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.***  
  
In my opinion, it is imperative to involve children in household chores. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following paragraphs.  
  
Firstly, housework equips children with essential skills, which is beneficial to them in the future. By contributing to daily tasks and helping out around the house, kids learn to master housekeeping skills, which enables them to be more independent when they grow up and finally move out. Take my sister's experience as an example, three years ago, she moved to another city to pursue college education. Living away from parents presented a challenge as she had to deal with all the problems on her own. Nevertheless, since my sister was familiar with household chores from an early age, she had no difficulty keeping her new house running smoothly. She was able to cook for herself instead of eating out, which saves her a great amount of money. Furthermore, she can handle daily tasks such as doing the laundry, ironing or washing dishes with ease. She found her housekeeping skills extremely useful because it made her life much easier in many ways.  
  
Secondly, assigning regular chores to kids also reinforces their respect for parents and teaches them accountability. Children tend to behave irresponsibly without thinking about the consequences of their actions. Requiring them to take part in household tasks helps them realize the importance of all the hard work that their parents do around the house. For instance, my younger brother used to have the habit of leaving all his toys behind for others to pick up after playtime. Thus, my parents decided to involve him in household chores, including cleaning the house twice a day, taking out the garbage, tidying his room and setting the table before meals. Sometimes, my brother felt exhausted after completing the tasks. He gradually understood that chores require a great deal of time and effort and realized all the burdens that his parents had to take on. As a consequence, he started to act more responsibly and develop greater respect and appreciation for his parents.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that it is crucial to assign housework for children. This is because housework not only provides them with skills that better prepare them for future life but also increases their respect for parents and teaches them responsibility.