dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Johnny, you need to familiarize yourself with the various types of essay discussions that are required of the IELTS test takers. There is no singular way of discussing these prompts. The instructions dictate how the topic is to be presented for discussion. Sometimes, it is a comparative essay, sometimes it is a personal opinion essay, sometimes, it is a double point of view essay, and sometimes, it is a singular point of view of the essay discussion. These essays test your analytical skills. Do you understand the topic provided? Do you understand the instructions being provided for the discussion? Do you know how you are supposed to discuss this essay? Look for keywords in the essay that will tell you the kind of discussion required. In this instance, the sentence "is this a positive or negative development?" indicates the choice you have to make in consideration of how you will be discussing the essay. Either it is a positive or negative development, it cannot be both. You can discuss both if the instructions says "discuss both points of view..." In this instance, the essay did not follow the prompt requirements with regards to the discussion. Therefore, even as a practice essay, this will not pass the exercise.
"Hello, this is the first time I join our forum, thanks for your all supports and advises. I would be grateful if you mark my essay"  
  
Here is my essay:  
  
## figure for food consumption somewhere in Europe

  
  
The give line chart illustrates the figure for food consumption including four main categories measured in a European country from 1979 to 2004  
  
It can clearly be seen that there was an opposite trend in the consumption of different foods over the 25-year period. In particular, chicken saw a steady increase while beef and lamb show a downward movement.  
  
According to the given information, in 1979 the amount of chicken usage accounted for around 200 gram per week while only 50 gram of fish was eaten. At the same time, there was a similar pattern of eating beef and lamb, approximately 150 gram per week. In the next 10 years, Lamp consumption witnessed a significant decline from 150 to just over 100 gram per week whereas chicken and beef had a fairly equal quantity, stood at 200 gram.  
  
It was not until 2004 that chicken experienced the highest figure, roughly 250 gram per week, which was at least twice as high as that for beef. Interestingly, the number of fish consumption showed a downward fluctuation around 50 gram per week over the whole period  
  
*
Hi Minh, I daresay that you have accomplished something that very few of the participants have managed to accomplish on their first try of posting at this forum. That is, you actually hit on what I believe to be an essay worthy of a score of 7 based upon a number of considerations.  
  
My first consideration for giving you this score is the fact that you went out of your way to critically analyze the data in the line graph. You managed to see the minute details such as the overlapping segments, which others before often missed out on reporting. This shows that you truly took the time to draft, revise, and re-examine the image that was provided to you for analysis.  
  
The vocabulary that you used is impressive enough in its simplicity. I would like to remind you to spellcheck your words before submitting your paper though. There was a misspelling of "lamb" in the essay as "lamp". I am sure that you know what the difference is between the two words right? Mistakes like that, if repeated often enough in an actual test will result in a reduced score. I do not want that for you.  
  
Finally, the biggest problem that I saw with the essay had to do with the summary overview. It needs more work. There was still information in the graph that should have been included in your statement such as the types of meat to be compared and the discussion instruction from the original prompt. Had you included those information in the paraphrased summary analysis, you would gained a higher score in the end.  
  
Do me a favor next time and please include the original discussion instructions with your post. That way I can better analyze your essay for clarity and responsiveness. I am confident in the way that you wrote this essay only because the data for consideration is obvious and you really did a good job in the analysis portion. However, for your next essay, I wish to have a reference point for a more accurate analysis of your presentation. Which is why I will need the original instructions to be included in the post.  
  
Again, you did very good work in this essay. I just hope that you can continue to show improvement or at least keep up with this score in your next practice essays. Keep up the good work. I am sure you have the ability to pass the test on the first try.
@minh2310  
Frankly this is a poorly written essay. You made many basic mistakes, including wrong use of words, wrong verb tense, lack of formal tone and the way information was indicated got me confused a bit. Here I offer some of alternatives:  
  
*give* -> given  
*the figure for* -> the statistic on  
*a European country* -> an European  
*chicken*-> the statistics of chicken intake  
*saw* -> experienced  
*beef and lamb* -> that of beef and lamb  
*show* ->showed  
*chicken usage* -> chicken  
*accounted for*-> was ( account for is used only for a share of a total sum)  
*eating beef and lamb* -> beef and lamb consumption  
*next ten years* -> following ten years  
*"whereas chicken and beef had a fairly equal quantity, stood at 200 gram"* -> whereas an equal number of chicken and beef was eaten. The two lines intersected at roughly 200 grams  
  
*It was not until 2004*-> In the final year 2004  
~~experienced~~ -> reached its highest figure of 250 gram per week  
~~*at least*~~  
*that for beef* -> that of beef  
~~Interestingly~~  
*Interestingly, the number of fish consumption showed a downward fluctuation around 50 gram per week over the whole period* -> this is opposed to the graph  
  
So I hope this could help you. Take your time and learn some basic writing techniques. When I first immersed myself in IELTS writing my essay was no good than yours and now I've made significant progress. So keep trying!
## reputation, cooperation and money role in a success

  
  
In the modern society, people possess different perspectives on how to be successful. Some believe that showing of their own strength to others is necessary to succeed, while others disagree. Given this heated debate we have seen over the past decades, I feel compelled to say a few words. I believe that people can still be successful without showing off their strength to others if they can achieve the following factors.  
  
The first factor is reputation. A great reputation can help people succeed regardless of their own strength. For example, my brother Jon built his reputation by participating many social events, such as helping old people with their daily tasks and teaching kids how to read. As a result, many big corporations offered him a job as they all admired his reputation. In contrast, with a bad reputation, my uncle Ben struggled to find a job when he graduated from college, despite the fact that he was well-known for high productivity. Thus I believe that reputation is an important factor contributing to success.  
  
The second factor is cooperation. In this competitive working environment, it is difficult for an individual to face the overwhelming challenges of other competitors by solely relying on his or her own strength. In other words, cooperation can make people feel comfortable and help them succeed easily. For instance, even though he was known for being the best basketball player on this planet, Lebron James and his team were still defeated by Warriors, a team that each of its members was not as good as Lebron James but cooperated very well.  
  
Last but not least, we can still achieve our goals without showing off if we are wealthy. In order words, money is the most powerful thing in the world and if we can use it wisely, we can be successful as well. For example, Liu Wen, son of the successful businessman Liu Jian, donated a huge amount of money to JP Morgan, a famous investing company, in order to get a position working at it. Ironically, he succeeded and got the position that other people work so hard to try to get.  
  
To sum up, due to the reasons listed above the paragraphs, I believe reputation, cooperation and money can help an individual to be successful even if he or she does not show others its own strength.
Chin, try to avoid making exaggerated claims such as "best basketball player on the planet" in your essays. It creates a non-academic tone in your writing and comes across as hyperbole to the reader. Just stick to basic statements that refer to facts without stretching the truth. That way your essay remains academic in tone and focused on the discussion topic instead. When you use examples in your essay, make sure to use more popular, widely known examples instead of referring to people who may be known only in your country. The effect of your recommendations and examples upon the reader should be to better inform them through example. If they do not know who you are talking about, the message of your statement is not as strong or effective. If you want to make a memorable statement, then use more international, rather than local based, figures in your report / essay.  
  
The overall work on the essay feels rushed. Try to relax while writing next time. Don't think about the writing time allotment too much. That will prevent you from properly focusing on your essay discussion development. Were you writing this for a TOEFL test or something? If you were, then you are off to a good start. There will always be room for improvement in your written work though and it should always start at this point in your practice essay tests.
@sweetkick  
Well, I think you do have a clear mindset in organizing your article.  
While I am not a linguist and not preparing for TOEFL, I can only give you some unprofessional suggestions.  
  
Just like Holt's words, some famous celebrities for the examples may be stronger in convincing readers.  
Maybe you can use some substitutions for repeated words, such as reputation in paragraph 2. Use "keyword" less, only in topic sentences.  
Again, I think your essay is quite good.
Hi Long,  
  
In my opinion, you tried to add too much information in an IELTS essay. It is not realistic because you have only 40 minutes in the real examination.  
  
For the introduction, you just need to restate the topic in general. 141 words are too long for an introduction. I suggest that you rewrite your last 3 sentences in this part and that's all.  
  
You should also edit your 1st side paragraph which is currently 205 words. 110-130 in length is ideal for this paragraph  
  
My two cents,  
  
P.S  
  
Another thing is that I would write about 2 different opinions why people should or should not public their own information at their will. Discussing about leaked information may not fulfill the TR criteria...
Long, this essay will get an automatic failing score. It will not pass any of the criteria for consideration because you wrote a research paper instead of a 30 minute essay discussion as instructed by the prompt. I feel that you did not really understand what was being required of you in the essay. This paper shows an in-depth academic research instead of a personal point of view discussion of two different opinions. Due to the mistaken discussion procedure, the essay did not even make it past the TA scoring stage. There is nothing in the essay discussion that relates to the instructions you were provided. Since you are still reviewing for the IELTS test, it would be in your best interest if you ask fellow students or your instructor / tutor to explain the topic for discussion and the method of discussion before you write your next practice test. Before you write an essay, you first need to make sure that you understand the English requirements. This essay proves that even though you can write in English, you have a problem understanding instructions in English. So, before you proceed with your practice essays, improve your English comprehension skills first. If you make a mistake such as you did in this essay, you are sure to score between a 0-3 in the actual test.
**Some people believe that electronic calculators should not be allowed in school**  
  
## calculating tools for a help in a school

  
  
The calculator is an electronic device which is used for arithmetic simplification such as addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. It is a portable device applicable for calculation, ranging from basic to complex mathematics.  
  
I strongly agree with the fact pupils need to understand basic arithmetic to foster their knowledge on how, when to add or subtract, divide or multiply. With further advancing of arithmetic, for instance algebra, trigonometry, or logs the use of the calculator can be justified to save more time. This technique promotes creativity or innovation among pupils. Perhaps, it shall encourage technology advancement in the given society. In our era as students, we would not be allowed use calculators, until that time when we reached an advanced level of secondary education. Partly it has helped our cohort to be much more competent that the society which where are observing to-date.  
  
Training or exposing pupils to calculators at the earliest stage during their learning curve, it will create a society with limited knowledge on how or when to use the simple arithmetic.  
  
I have seen in many parts of the world where the pupils who were exposed to calculators at the earliest stage of their trainings does struggle during employment as either sales person. Simple mathematics can be a nightmare for this group of individuals.  
  
Therefore, despite the fact, Calculators shortens the time serve for arithmetic and give perfect answers. It is imperative for pupils to understand the fundamental knowledge of mathematic to prevent nurturing a society which has no skills in simple mathematics.
Nuru, I believe that you are trying to respond to a Task 2 IELTS essay. The problem, is that I have no accurate way of measuring your success or failure in relation to your written response because you have provided an incomplete original prompt statement. While your discussion is sound and relevant to the topic sentence, it may not be completely prompt adherent in terms of the discussion requirements. Sadly, I cannot advice you any further regarding this essay because of our one free advice per thread policy. All I can advice you on at this moment is the format of the essay.  
  
You need to practice developing complete paragraphs to use in your discussion. The requirement is a paragraph can be represented as complete within 3-5 sentences. You currently have statements that are only 2 sentences long. You will need to expand your discussions in your succeeding essays in order to meet the paragraph sentence requirement. By the way, I will also need to read the complete prompt requirements with your future practice tests. Don't bother with posting the prompt requirement for this essay at this point. I can't come back to offer you constructive criticism anymore.
## importance of money in a new job

  
  
Some people believe that salary must be the top priority in choosing career, while others argue that there are other factors that are more important than having a lot of money. In my opinion, although money is always crucial for us, there are circumstances that seeking for a job with high salary is not a good idea, and there are other elements that should be considered first.  
  
To begin with, it is not always wise to look for a job with high salary because you might not qualify for that job. Companies that offer a huge amount of money usually seek for candidates that pose great professional skills or many year experience. Most of the time, the number of people who are qualified enough to pass the interview is fewer than the number of people who are not. Hence, keep searching for these high salary jobs while you do not pose excellent skills is not a good way to start your career. I've seen lots of students looking for a job with high salary right after they graduated from universities, and most of them got rejected.  
  
In addition, there are other elements that I believe to be more important than a good salary. These are working environment and promotion policy. A good working environment includes professional working space, opportunity to learn and develop your skills, experience different tasks and build up your career. Besides, promotion policy is considered a crucial factor for people who seek for long term goals in their jobs. Those people do not simply satisfy working as a normal employee, but always working hard to get promoted and achieve success. Therefore, in this situation, a job with good salary is not as important as a job with good promotion policy.  
  
In conclusion, there are number of factors that affect the decision of choosing a job. Although high salary is often considered crucial element, I believe it is not the top priority.
Hi,  
Overall, it was a good essay. But there are some things in this essay that you might reconsider to use:  
1. Try to replace "always" with some other words, for example "absolutely". The same with "high salary" (can be changed into high-paying")  
2. "because you might **not qualify** for that job" => not be qualified enough  
3. We should not use contraction in our academic essays.  
4. You should try to use more linking verbs. It will make your essay more cohesive.  
5. According to Cambridge Dictionary, "pose" means " to pretend to be something that you are not or to have qualities that you do not have, in order to be admired or attract interest", so I think you have misused it. "Pose a skill/experience" does not make sense.  
  
P/s: I'm still a learner, so excuse me if there are any mistakes. Cheers :)
Kim, did you post the complete prompt instructions along with your essay response? It does not seem like you did so because the instructions you provided were not followed in the developed response. Rather than disagreeing or agreeing with the statement, you have discussed the factors important when it comes to choosing a job instead. This is a totally different essay from an opinion essay based on an agreement or disagreement with a given statement. Therefore, your essay failed the Task Accuracy portion. Since your response is not related to the original discussion, you will not receive a passing score for this essay. Your opening statement is not an accurate representation of the topic provided and the discussion method you were instructed to use. Such a mistake shows that you either did not understand the instructions or, you decided to ignore the given instructions. Therefore, the score for this essay would be a 4 in the TA portion because it responds to the given task in a very slight way. Your vocabulary and sentence development proves to only be within the simple sentence and vocabulary range so you probably won't get a score higher than a 4 in the LR and GRA sections. As for the C&C section, since you did not accurately discuss the given prompt, it will be hard for me to judge what considerations the examiner may have when judging this section due to the problems with the previous sections. If I were to guess your score for that section though, I would give it a uniform score of 4 as well since your response is slightly unrelated to the task provided.
**At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.  
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?  
-------------------------------------- xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ---------------------------**  
  
## higher proportion of young people in a society

  
  
It is now seen that the proportion of young people in the demographics of some nations is considerably higher than that of the elder ones. I believe that this tendency could offer more good than harm owing to the beneficial impacts on a country that a young population can exert.  
  
It is undeniable that a nation with a minority of middle-aged and senior citizens could face certain disadvantages. The most severe one could perhaps be the lack of expertise and wisdom to manage most aspects of the society. Top executive positions in the government and institutions often require extensive and diversified working experiences from job holders to carry out their work efficiently. However, these requirements need a longer working time to hone the capacity of workers and thus usually can only be satisfied by a small group of older professionals. This leads to a paucity of highly-skilled executives and could eventually result in the inefficient management and sluggish development of the national economy. As this shows, the disadvantages triggered by the lack of experienced workforce in most young countries are made clear.  
  
However, despite the above-mentioned drawbacks, I am more persuaded that a young demographic could offer more potential benefits. A great number of young adults usually mean higher productivity and extra room for economic development. Young people have good health and fitness in general and they can work at their peak in much longer time than the elderly, thus they could deliver higher work outcome in many key areas, such as production and research and development. In addition, the youths have much greater consumption demand for a wide range of products and services, which is a paramount impetus to the sustainable development in these areas. As high productivity and great customer demand are deemed to efficiently boost healthy economic growth, which could result in an improved standard of living, it is therefore prudent about the outstripping advantages of a young population to a country.  
  
In conclusion, whilst certain disadvantages could be identified, I personally believe that the benefits brought from a higher proportion of young people to a country are vastly immense.