dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## population in rural, suburban and urban areas

  
  
***The graph below shows the figures for population distribution in the Northwest region for 1900-2050.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
The figure provided for analysis is a bar chart. It illustrates the population spread across rural, suburban and urban areas, in the Northwest region from 1990 to 2050. In this essay, I will outline the key information and draw comparisons when appropriate.  
  
Initially, the countryside dwarfed the others in the share of the population, but its edge eroded over time. It became the least populous area in 2000 when suburbs and urban districts both topped the ranking. In 2050, rural population is forecast to shrink further, whereas the majority of people will live in suburbs.  
  
While in 1900, rural residents composed 65% of the population, the proportion plummeted to 45% in 1950 and 20% in 2000. By contrast, the share of suburb dwellers went in the opposite direction, up from 10% in 1900 to 20% in 1950, and 40% in 2000. Based on projections, the disparity will widen in 2050, with just 10% of people living in villages but 55% of those in suburbs.  
  
For urban areas, the comparable share has seen and will witness minimum fluctuation. It stayed at 35% in 1900 and 1950, the same percentage as expected in 2050. The only change occurred in 2000, when the figure inched to 40%.  
  
**203 words**  
**I tried to make a concise report. I am trying to improve my English proficiency by keeping writing.**  
  
*
@LadyOfClockwork  
  
Taken from someone who got 6 in IELTS writing, I think it is a good writing. One thing that caught my attention is the first paragraph when you describe the chart.  
  
*It illustrates the population spread across rural...*  
  
Looking at the chart, (and your following paragraph) I believe the chart illustrate the population distribution from 1990 to 2000 **and its projection** in 2050.  
  
Since getting the key figures wrong might lose you some marks, I think it is important that you addressed it accurately :)
Gang, at this point, since there are two contributors working with you, I strongly suggest that you decide whom you will want to listen to. At the moment, you will be receiving 2 conflicting advice from 2 authorities in this area which can adversely affect all of the progress you have made I am not lessening the impact of the advice that ah is giving you. However, since we have come so far already with your progress, having worked together for a number of months and essays, and you have actually shown a level 9 writing skill already, I would hate for you to regress because you will be confused as to whom to follow with regards to the proper approach to this essay and how to write it. Please let me know whom you wish to work with so that I will know if you still require my participation in your presentations. I do not want to add to any confusion you might experience due to the conflict of instructions you are receiving at the moment. So let me know if you wish to proceed with my guidance or not. I will not be hurt or angered if you decide to go with someone else. If you wish to work with ah because he is more attuned to your needs, then so be it. I will give you tentative advice regarding your essay for now.  
  
In the opening paragraph, you misread the illustration you were provided. The year 2050 is a projection and should have been identified as such in your summary presentation. The instruction sentence that comprises your third sentence is the basis of the discussion that you will be presenting and gives the reader an idea as to what the oncoming discussion will be presenting in terms of information. The trending sentence can actually be located at the beginning or the end of the discussion presentation. There is no single way or one manner of writing these essays. Write it in the method that you feel comfortable doing. You will be scored not on the basis of a template response, but the accuracy of your response to the prompt. There is no right or wrong format. There is only your ability to properly assess and report on the information provided. I feel that you did present your version of the trending statement at the end when you provided the comparable shares discussion.  
  
Again, this is just my opinion on the essay that you wrote.
@Holt  
You asked me directly. So I'd like to give you an honest answer. That is, I want to listen to your advice and you have my trust. When I read your suggestion on my first essay in this forum, I made up my mind to place my trust on you and improve my writing under your guidance.  
  
That's why I stick to the introduction format of three sentences that I have never found anywhere else or heard from anyone else, and follow your advice often contrary to that from dubious celebrities of IELTS in my country.  
  
I absolutely believe in ah\_zafari's good meaning and capacity, but if I should make choice, I choose to work with you, without doubt and hesitation.
@Holt: First, I am not able to visit this forum frequently and I may even disappear for another a few years until I put comments here again, so if you have been working with this author for a while, just go ahead and ignore all my comments. Second, we should remind ourselves that here is a forum and people may have different opinions and writing styles. Those who post their works here can go through different comments and pick the tips they need. To be honest I did not like this comment. You cannot ask other people to stop posting their comments because they may be different from yours. This does not confuse the author. It just shows her that there are other ways of writing. As I said, that's all about the authors to make the final decision what to pick and what to ignore.  
  
To make the decision easy for LadyOfClockwork, I will do it for her and will not post any messages under her threads anymore. Best of luck with your IELTS test.
## digital games selling rate

  
  
**The bar graph shows the global sales (in billions of dollars) of different types of digital games between 2000 and 2006.**  
  
The bar chart compares the worldwide sales figures for four different games over the period of 6 years.  
  
It is clear that handheld games were the most popular games among all four types of games. The figures for mobile phone games and online games gradually increased, while console games saw an opposite trend over the 6-year period.  
  
In 2000, nearly 12 billion dollars was spent on handheld games. This was almost two times as much as the figure for console games. In 2002, the figures for cell phone games and online games were fairly similar, at about 1 billion.  
  
It is obvious that handheld games witnessed a stable increase and reached its peak at less than 18 billion in the year 2006. The figure for online games dramatically jumped to 9 billion, while the number of mobile phone games gradually rose by 6 billion. Nevertheless, console games experienced a gradual decrease and fell to its lowest point at almost 3 billion in 2006.  
  
*Please rate my article, thanks.*  
  
*
Irene, you need to group the discussion points per mobile game, then the sales per year based on the chart. That will allow you to deliver a clear comparison of the sales and create an easier to follow discussion because the reader knows that the information per paragraph is grouped into connected discussions.  
  
Try to develop a better summary overview. The one you have at the moment is inadequate as it does not deliver a clear idea of what the discussion instruction is. You also need to create paraphrased lines that are more different than the original. The one that you have right now is almost exactly the same as the original. It also does not deliver complete information regarding the types of games indicated in the chart and the trending information needs to be better integrated into the overview summary.  
  
While you wrote more than the required word count, it would have been better for your overall score if you could have developed complete 5 sentence paragraphs. The more the lines in a paragraph, the better chances you have of increasing your GRA score through the development of possibly more complex sentences.  
  
Overall, I think you could score a 4 with this essay. There is still room for improvement on your end and I believe that we have the time to accomplish that. Just keep writing and focusing on improving using the suggestions that I have provided to you.  
  
By the way, I would appreciate it if you could include the complete original prompt discussion and instruction next time. I think I can offer you a better review and score if you give me the instructions that you were provided with originally.
Hmm. I think you should practice more in task 1. Your summary does not convey all the main information. One advice from my teacher is that our summary should be clear and concrete; therefore, readers can understand properly without looking at the chart. This is my suggestion for the instruction:  
  
*The chart illustrates information about the selling of four different types of digital games worldwide within six years from 2000 to 2006. As an overall, handheld games came first in the race while console games were the least significant contributor by the end of the surveyed period.*
Hellooo there..., it is your task to classify the data and compare them based on the instruction of IELTS task 1. Not only this, your skills in paraphrasing and summarizing are tested. Let me come first with the paraphrasing. This skill is needed when you start writing your opening paragraph. From your first paragraph, you did not cover this skill smoothly. Let me give you a try: *A breakdown of the different kinds of digital games is presented in the bar chart. The data is taken from 2000 to 2006 and measured in billions of dollars. This essay will compare and contrast the figure for those games and be followed by a brief conclusion at the end.* As you can see, I develop my introductory paragraph into three sentences in a row. By doing this, I help readers develop their understanding towards my report before they accomplish to read the whole essay. This also works in real exam condition. Help examiners to help you mark your writing easily. Again, the rest of paragraphs is not well-developed. You need to divide the data into two. This can be classified based on years or figures. But, for me, I prefer doing it with the first approach: by years. With this approach, then you write your essay with different tenses; Past tense and Past Perfect tense. Hope this helps :D  
  
- Eddy Suaib
Hi monopolymi,  
  
A few pieces of advice:  
  
1. In the introductory statement, while you are paraphrasing the question, please include some more information from the chart , such as, year range and the name of the different games (as they are not many)  
  
2.The paragraph for overall trend is decent (scope for improvement is there) and it's better if you use the word "overall" at the beginning of this paragraph.  
  
3. I think what your report lacks the most is comparison among different figures. You just represented the data as they are in the chart given, but you did not show your analytical skills by comparing the figures. Another thing which I think you should improve upon is your ability to group and summarise information logically. I did not understand the logic behind the grouping of two body paragraphs.
**Topic: The graph below shows the figures for population distribution in the Northwest region fro 1900-2050  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## moving to an urban area trend

  
  
The given bar chart illustrates the population distribution of Northwest region during the time period between 1900 to 2050. It can be seen from the chart that moving from rural area to suburban and urban area is the most remarkable trend.  
  
The number of people who live in rural area dropped quickly. In 1900, nearly 65% of the population lived in rural area. In 1950, this number decreased significantly to 45%. Until 2000, only 25% stayed and it is projected in 2050 that under 10% still live in this area.  
  
Meanwhile, the population in the suburban area increased dramatically from 1900 to 2050. In 1900, only 10% lived in this area, but this number doubled to 20% in 1950. The population kept growing fast to 40% in 2000, and it will reach a peak at 55% in 2050.  
  
However, the urban area population only fluctuated around 35% over the past century. From 1900 to 1950, the number remained unchanged until it slightly increased to 40% in 2000 before changing back to the same in 2050.  
  
*My writing score is the worst among 4 skills, so I'm trying my best to improve it :( Feel free to leave any comment or suggestions. I'll be very thankful!. It would be greater if you can score my essay or tell me the criteria that I'm failing to obtain. Thank you very much <3*  
  
*
hi Tran, you're writing more than 150 words and fore several sentences you used good tenses. on the other hand, for introduction you have to make vivid you comparison, and for you're tenses you have to more pay attention because some sentences have grammatical error and you are inconsistent. I suggest you, so that no repetitive word or monotonous word you can use a word such as approximately, roughly, around and others.  
  
I Hope it Help. ;)
Tran, there are a number of factors that led me to the conclusion that you cannot score any higher than a 4 with this essay. The first, is that your overview statement is incomplete. It does not include the main points for discussion along with the discussion instruction. Next, although you wrote a little over the minimum word count, there was no evidence of true analytical skills being portrayed in your presentation. The information provided includes only the obvious information from the chart. Finally, your sentence count varies in the overall presentation. Stick to the minimum 3 sentence presentation at all times. You do not even meet the maximum 5 sentence count in most instances.  
  
The correct overview presentation is as follows:  
  
*A bar graph has been provided for comparison purposes. The rural, suburban, and urban population data of the Northwest region covering the years of 1900, 1950, 2000, including a population projection for the year 2050 was included in the presentation. The general trend of the chart shows that the urban population is the most likely to grow over the given period of time. This essay will now summarize the rest of the given information, allowing for a comparison discussion whenever required.*  
  
What information was lacking from your overview? The information for comparison, a clarified presentation of the years involved in the discussion, and the instructions regarding how the analyzed information is to be presented. If you can improve the presentation of information in paragraph 1, then your TA score should be enough to pull up the score to at least a passing level. Right now, your TA score is not higher than a 4 and that affected the overall presentation in the essay. So you scored the same on all counts.  
  
Always look for comparison points within the essay. It does not have to be for the same descriptive information such as "the same urban percentage". As long as the percentages as similar, regardless of the point of similarity, then it should be presented in the essay as part of the deeper analysis presentation. For example, you could have said;  
  
*It should be noted that there were similar figures of 20% for the suburban and rural populations during the years of 1950 and 2000 respectively.*  
  
Such a statement shows that you took the time to truly look for comparison points as instructed by the original prompt directions. Missing elements such as these will result in a lower score because you only presented the most obvious comparison points in the essay.
@Tran Minh Hien  
Hi, I'd like to make some corrections for you.  
  
it is projected in 2050 that under 10% **will** still live in this area.  
--- You needed "will", or could have simply rewritten it as "**it is projected to decline to less than 10%**".  
  
You should have made some comparisons as required by the prompt, such as:  
--- **In 1900, much more people lived in rural areas than in suburban ones.**
Holt has briefly pointed out the main faults in this essay. However, I would like to point out some of the other problems:  
  
1. In the introductory statement, while you are paraphrasing the question, please include some more information from the chart , such as, the region categories(rural, urban, suburban ).  
  
There is a grammatical mistake which I couldn't help but pointing out...  
  
... period between 1900 ~~to~~ and 2050.  
  
2. I would say to make a separate paragraph for writing about the overall trend and it's better if you use the word "overall" at the beginning of this paragraph.  
  
3. "The number of people who live in rural area dropped quickly."  
  
I have a problem with the word "quickly" here. I think "significantly" or "rapidly" or "dramatically" would be a better choice. Quickly is a time-related adverb. I think which you tried to mean here that the drop was to a great extent. So, quickly doesn't fit here.
Hello! Please kindly help to review my short essay. Thank you so much  
========================================================  
## GDP trends in China

  
  
The above graph illustrates the GDP trending in China of post-reform period between the year 1978 and 2002.  
  
The GDP remained steady from 1978 to 1983 and slightly increased afterwards. Starting from 1988, the GDP climber dramatically and reached 100,000 million yuan in 2001.  
  
In 1978, the GDP was approximately 4000 million and showed a modest upward trend. The GDP rose minimally to around 5000 million in 1983. The upward trend continued to be gradual after 1983.  
  
The GDP was around 10,000 million yuan in 1988, it grew 5 times more within the next 5 years and went up to 50,000 million yuan in 1993. By the time of 1998, the GDP already soared to 100,000 million yuan which was 5 times of 1993.  
  
To conclude, it is noteworthy that China had made positive improvement of GDP growth in 1988 and such improvement was particularly obvious from 1993 to 2002 which doubled for the time being.  
  
*
Wong, you should have aimed to write at least 200 words in order to have a better chance at an overall higher score. With only 156 words written, you did write more than the required number of words but did not really allow yourself a chance to increase your chances at a higher overall score with that highly limited word count. It did not allow you to offer a deeper insight into your English writing and analytical abilities.  
  
Make sure that you have at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Each sentence should help to describe the content of the graph or any illustration that you are provided with. The first paragraph should present a summary of the instructions you are given for the discussion. In this case you should have outlined the essay as:  
  
*A line graph has been presented for analysis. The information presented in it relates to the GDP growth in Post-Reform China and is counted in the millions of Yuan. The growth was charted covering the years of 1978, 1983, 1988, 1993, 1998, and 2002. I will be writing a summary report based on the graph for a university lecturer.*  
  
Your presentation is not complete because you only use one sentence in each presentation. That is not acceptable and you will be given the lowest possible TA and GRA score because you did not even try to develop paragraph presentations. This means that you did not try to analyze the image presented, you just reported on it as it was shown in the provided illustration.  
  
The work you provided is not a good attempt at writing the task 1 essay. I cannot say that you did not try because you at least wrote a simple analysis of the image. However, a simple analysis is not going to get you a passing score. Try to study the image information a little deeper next time in order to present a (slightly) more complex summary that would have a chance of getting a higher consideration score for each required criteria.
Hello Wong, according to my humble opinion your writing is quite good, that's more than 150 words and you use past tense because that is fit for the data, but you have to make your "overall" clear and I suggest you to always make the comparison in writing task one. the next, you can paraphrase the question and rewrite in your introduction actually. the last, your conclusion have to describe the comprehensive your essay obviously, yet on your current writing I emphasis to focus in comparison, because that is extremely essential. I hope My feedback and suggestions can be useful to you.
@winky\_wong  
Hi. I'd like to rewrite a sentence for you.  
  
**By 1998**, the GDP **had** already soared to 100,000 million yuan...  
  
1) **by 1998** is sufficient. "the time of" is redundant.  
2) "by + time" usually comes with "had done", that's why I recommend "...had already soared".  
  
But the way, you should always written "million yuan", not just "million".
Hello Wong,  
  
As a fellow candidate preparing for IELTS academic I can give you few pieces of advice concerning Writing task 1.  
  
1. Try to paraphrase the statement given in the question rubric. While paraphrasing try to include more information taken from the graph, such include the year range(which you have done). You could have included a sentence about the unit, such as, "Units are measured in million yuan".  
  
2. The second paragraph should be focused on general trend or key features starting with the word "overall". Try to compare and contrast a little bit if possible in this segment.  
  
3. For the body paragraphs, try to group the paragraphs logically . Although you somehow have managed to logically divide the body paragraphs into two, it lacks logical flow and cohesion and coherence in your writing.  
  
4. Add more adjectives and adverbs such as significant increase, dramatic increase etc.  
  
Hope this helps.
***The map below shows the development of the village of Ryemouth between 1995 and present. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
## analysis of the Ryemouth village

  
  
A map is presented for analysis of how the village of Ryemouth has developed since 1995. Immense differences can be found between 1995 and this year. They will be summarized in this essay by making relevant comparisons.  
  
Overall, the coastal village has been always crisscrossed with two roads, along which facilities were and are built. While some of them remain intact, the others are totally converted. In addition, an expense of land to the northwest has been brought into entertainment use.  
  
In 1995, Ryemouth had a fishing port in the south and fish markets nearby, across the road from a series of shops. To their east sat a hotel and a café. To the northwest of the village were built rows of housing units, whereas to the northeast lay an undeveloped farmland, bordered with a forest park is its south.  
  
Currently, the landscape has seen tremendous changes. The port is demolished, and the fishing markets are replaced with apartments, opposite to the shop-turned restaurants. The housing estate expands south, with a branch road constructed to the west. A car park emerges next to the hotel, which is preserved along with the café. The most striking transformation occurs in the northeast, where the vast land reserved for crops and trees is developed into a golf course, containing a tennis court in its south.  
  
**223 words**  
**I tried to make a concise and matter of fact report. Hope it works. I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.**  
  
*