dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## the future of motorization

  
  
There are many accidents occurred every day. Therefore, scientists advice that in the near future, cars will be driven by computers not people. From my perspective, cars are drove by computers offers not only incentives but also disincentives.  
  
First of all, some people work far away from their home, so there is a growing tendency nowadays for people to use cars without drivers. It not only helps them to not depend on driver but also assists them in reducing stress and feeling safe. For example: nowadays many crash occurred by drivers have less skill or use alcohol when driving, however, they are not aware that they are digging their own graves. Besides, using cars driven by computers may help old and disable people. They can use cars without thinking how to drive. It is very convenient for them to go anywhere they like and do not nervous about means of transport.  
  
On the other hand, cars without drivers has demerits. Firstly, there are a huge of drivers will unemployment. For instance, when computers are popular, no one hires them for driving. Rate of people dropping out of work will put a burden on their family and social. Second place, cars are controlled by computers have some risk. For example: computer easily hacked by people having bad scheme, so it will be very dangerous and beyond the reach of most people. In conclusion, using cars without drivers offers people more benefits in the future. However, they may cope with a variety of risk and challenge.  
  
*
Dinh, your discussion of this essay is all wrong. You were supposed to pick only one side of the discussion and then presented it with supporting evidence throughout your essay. You are not being asked whether there are incentives and disincentives to computer driven cars. It is either you believe that having computer driven cars will be a positive or negative development. Pick only one side to discuss in the essay. You are not being asked to discuss a compare and contrast essay. You are being asked to discuss a personal opinion essay based on one of two choices. You cannot discuss both sides. That is not the requirement. By discussing both sides as you did on this essay, you were not able to provide a proper and defensible opinion regarding the given discussion. Since you did not properly paraphrase the essay nor did you discuss the essay in the expected manner, you can bet that this essay will receive a failing mark in the actual test.
Hi Giant,  
In my opinion your work took two positions as pointed out. Besides, some of the sentence body are so convoluted, one would need to analyse to get the message.*"It not only helps them to not depend on driver but also assists them in reducing stress and feeling safe"*.  
  
Kindly work on sentence structures.  
From my perspective, cars driven by computers offer not only incentives but also disincentives.  
  
Always try to read the work to yourself at intervals, that way you get to spot errors
TOPIC: **[IELTS task 2]Some people think high school graduates should travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to study at university. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both approaches.**  
  
## break from education

  
  
Before embarking on college, some young people are advised to have a trip or apply for a job for a short of time. The following paper will clarify that gaining experience is the biggest benifit of this and a reduced motivation to study is the primary drawback.  
  
Travelling or working is one of the most possitive outside activities that will help student to widen their knowledge about the world. They can be taught how to live as an aldult and directly enjoy what happened around them instead of learning about it in theory by books. The Time recently reported that a timid America girl named J had a trip to Africa by herself in summer vacation, and then she came back with a lot of changes, from her apperance to her character. She's become much more confident and known exactly how to behave well with the others, especially her sisters.She can communicate with her friends and is in a good relationship now.  
  
on the other word, despite these advantages, some of students often get used to working and travelling, so the do not agree to return to university. They are fond of all journeys and jobs they did as well as they can perceive the pressure and exhaution of study. The British goverment foud that 26% of students never come back to school after a gap-year.  
  
In conclusion, taking a break from education can advantageous as it can allow people to learn some life skills and experience new things, however, it is a negatve issue if they do not keep on studying at college.
Minh, your essay is replete with grammar errors stemming from sentence structures all the way to misspelled words. You do know that you are being scored for grammar range and vocabulary in this essay right? this lack of proof reading on your part would result in a failed score for your essay in an actual test because you have shown a lack of ability to spot your English grammar mistakes and correct them on the spot. You do not even bother to capitalize the first word of a new sentence, which is a standard English writing rule that nobody ever forgets to do. The mistakes in your spelling and grammar have made the essay very difficult to read and causes undue stress on the reader who has to mentally correct your essay in order to make sense of what you are trying to say. This is not a very good effort on your part and I sincerely doubt that you would get a passing score with this essay.
@Minh Thi : first I have to say that it is full of error (even with my English writing skill). You try to use complex structure/vocabularies but may be it is good to write simple sentence correctly first.  
  
Below are some comments:  
" for a short of time" => for a short period  
"The following paper will clarify that ..." =>  
The biggest benefit to them is practical experience gained while the downside of it would be the lost of motivation to continue study. Those paragraph below will discuss those in more details.  
  
"Travelling or working is one of ..." => Travelling and working are activities that ( there is nothing like "outside activities", may be you want to say outdoor activities ...)
**It is important for children to learn the right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavior to children?**  
  
## punishment as a learning tool?

  
  
It is very beneficial for children to develop the ability to distinguish between right and wrong at an early age, and parents and teachers can use punishments as a tool to help in this learning process. I agree with this idea but only to some certain kinds of punishments.  
  
In the early stage, if a child is able to differentiate between right and wrong, there are better chances for the child to become a well-behaved member of the society. And since children are innocent, they don't have a clear conscience about abstract concepts like right and wrong, however, they know what is comfortable for them and what is not. From there, children will gradually get the idea about what they should and should not do if they want it to be pleasant. Therefore, parents and teachers can use punishments to help children develop the right behaviors. Punishments can just be as simple as taking away the favorite toys, or detention or time-out technique. Another important factor is the right moment, the punishment should be imposed right away if children commit the wrong behavior, so they know why and what they are being punished for and they will remember it.  
  
Punishments are helpful if parents and teachers use them properly, however children are very volatile, we adults should always remember that punishments are used to help children to learn and not to punish them in any way. If punishments are abused, it can be backfired and results in a destructive consequence for the child. And in some situations, children will carry those wounds with them in the life ahead. Thus parents and teachers should always remember to treat children with care and a good heart.  
  
To sum up, I think it is useful for the child if they can develop a good notion towards the right and the wrong at an early age. Parents and teachers can use punishments to help children learn those concepts and develop the good manner in them. However, punishments should not harm the child in any mentally or physically way. Children need to be treated with good hearts, always.
lama, your essay is good but it does not properly follow the discussion outline as represented in the original prompt requirement. The outline of the discussion was already handed to you in the original instruction so all you had to do was represent the same in your paragraphs. It's too bad you were not able to do that. It would have improved your score immensely if you had done so. By the way, do not start your sentences with "And". That word is not used academically to start a sentence because it connotes the continuation of a discussion. If it comes after a period, then there is no discussion to continue or connect. Also, when you use "however", make sure that you use it at the start of a paragraph because it indicates a disagreement with a previous statement. Finally, you should have discussed the alternative punishments as a separate paragraph because that was indicated in the original instruction to be a separate paragraph discussion, not included with the other discussion topics for this essay.
@Holt : thanks for great insight! especially about the structure.  
I have question on However if you happen to come back here : I used three "however", two of them are in the middle of the sentence to link two contradict clauses. I guess those two are alright.  
  
"Also, when you use "however", make sure that you use it at the start of a paragraph because it indicates a disagreement with a previous statement. " => is it about the last however that I used in the conclusion?
Hi, I would appreciate it if you could check my sample report and essay. My exam is already on Jul 8..Thanks!  
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**WRITING TASK 1**  
  
You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.  
  
**The bar graph below shows the number of civilians holding various federal government jobs.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
*Write at least 150 words.*  
  
## Proportion of civilians holding federal government jobs

  
*please see attached image*  
  
----------------  
  
The given bar graph shows data regarding the proportion of civilian workers holding various federal government jobs. Overall, it can be seen that out of the six different federal government jobs, most of the civilian workers opt to work with the Department of the Army.  
  
As per the acquired data, almost 350, 000 civilian workers are working in the Department of the Army and this is consequently followed by the Department of the Navy, with a little over 300, 000 civilian workers. Moreover, many civilian workers can also be found in the Department of the Air Force with a total of a little over 200, 000.  
  
On the other hand, this is in contrast with the number of civilian workers working for the Justice Department and State Department with only 100, 000 and 50, 000, respectively. More so, there are lesser civilian workers working in the Congress with almost half of those working for the State Department. Simply put, there is a noticeable difference between the number of civilian workers working in the Department of the Army and those in Congress.  
  
*
Kathrina, unfortunately, I can only review one of your essays as we are limited to one essay per thread and one advice per thread. It would be best if you post your essays in separate threads in order to get the best reviews possible for your practice tests. In this instance, I will only review the Task 1 essay that you wrote. In this instance, all of your sentences fall short of the required number of sentences per paragraph. In order to present at least 3 sentences that comprise a fully developed paragraph, you need to start using full stops (period) at the end of your statements instead of commas. Commas indicate a continuing thought process while what you have to do is separate your thoughts in order to allow for a better analysis of the facts you are giving in comparison to the illustration. Your summary outline is lacking because you did not indicate the 6 federal government jobs that you would be discussing in the essay. If you had indicated the jobs as part of the summary, you would have been more task compliant. The image shows that there is still data provided regarding the number of department of army and congress workers. You should have included the actual figures in your sentence. An estimation to the nearest figure would have sufficed. For example, you could have said "Congress has an estimated 25 thousand employees when compared to the more than 300 thousand Department of Navy Employees."
Cu, please provide the complete prompt requirements for your next essay exercise so that you can be properly assessed using the IELTS band considerations. At this point, there is no way for me to tell if you are responding properly to the prompt requirements or if you deviated from the discussion format at some points. While I will commend you for a well discussed essay, I will frown upon you for not properly providing a concluding statement in your essay. Granted that you made a mistake by posting the concluding sentence of a different exercise, that still does not erase the fact that you did not create a proper summarized concluding statement and instead, tried to pass of your opinion paragraph as the closing statement. You always need to present a proper concluding statement that accurately sums up the discussion topic and points, as well as your personal opinion at the end. That is because the ability to paraphrase the opening statement and then your own discussion is considered very seriously in the final scoring and should always show off your English comprehension skills at its best.
***Some people say it is OK to use animals for our benefit, others say it is not good to exploit them. Discuss both points of view and give your opinion.***  
  
## Animals should serve the people

  
  
Some individual believe that human should use animal for their personal benefit while other argues that this is a bad practice. This essay will discuss the both aspects of the argument. In my opinion, this is necessary to use animal for the scientific and security purpose other than this they should be allowed to live freely.  
  
One the one hand those who do not support animal exploitation is a good practice might argue that all animals are living being they should also have the liberty to live their life. The reason for this is people exploiting them dreadfully, they killing and eating them. For instance, In recent survey of New York time it is claimed that Beef eating has increased from 10 to 20% compared to last year analysis. Therefore, it is not a good idea to utilize them for human benefits.  
  
On the other hand, people who support utilization of animals might support the idea that it is for the betterment of society, scientist do have to perform the experiments and for this, animals are the best object. For example, all the medicines first tried and tested on animals and then on successful completion of experiment, these medicines get approval for the consumption of humans. As a result of this, animals are necessary for the new invention and improvement in medical facilities.  
  
In conclusion, although animals can be utilized for the scientific experiments and medical test, In my opinion, there is no deny in the fact that animals should to be exploited for the consumption of human beings.  
  
***Need 7 bands in IELTS Please help***
hello,  
i think you need to practice more especially your Grammar.  
next are few corrections that i could think of.  
  
Some individual believe that human (humans) should use animal(animals) for their personal benefit while other (others) argues(argue) that this is a bad practice. This essay will discuss the( delete the) both aspects of the argument. In my opinion, it is necessary to use animal (animals) for scientific and security purpose (purposes) other than this they should be allowed to live freely (safely).
Some individuals believe that human ...  
... and security purposes other than this ...  
  
One the one hand, those who (...) exploitation ~~is a good practice~~ might argue that all animals ~~are living being they~~ should also have ...  
  
.., people whosupport utilization of animals mightsupport the idea that it ...  
  
... animals should ~~to~~ not be exploited for ...  
  
1. I suggest not to repeat words too many times (support, utilize), you might try to use synonyms (thetherasus might be a good source for that)  
  
2. Focus on ",", those minors points can absolutely reduce your band score  
  
3. Your choice of words and grammar are not complex enough to achieve band 7  
  
4. I am dubious about whether your essay meets 250 words or not.  
  
Sincerely,
Rahul, the highest score this essay will get is a 4. One of the main reasons for the mark down is because you presented your complete opinion within the paraphrased statement instead of as a stand alone paragraph within the essay itself. The paraphrasing should have ended by saying; "Considering these discussion aspects, I will be presenting my opinion on the topic within the forthcoming discussion." You never discuss factual information in the opening statement because that is only meant to serve as a way of judging whether you properly understood the instructions you were given or not. Your grammar development is very poor. Even for simple sentences you are unable to properly present a coherent idea that would properly discuss the topic. You need to practice developing proper simple English sentences in order to better present logical statements that will make sense to the reader. Your conclusion also needs to better summarize the information previously presented in the discussion. I hope that you will show some improvement with your next practice tests. Remember, improve your reasoning presentation and never present actual information in the opening statement.
Q: [TOEFL] **Some famous athletes and entertainers earn millions of dollars every year. Do you think these people deserve such high salaries? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.**  
  
From moderator - please make sure your comments in other students' threads are not useless (otherwise it will result in a suspension).  
  
## High wages for famous people?

  
  
People now a day live in a complicated society, people from different social status and doing different kinds of works. Some people will get high paid jobs because the companies receive good profit, some people get normal salaries because the works are simple. Therefore, various jobs provide various wages, personally speaking, I definitely agree the statement that those famous athletes and singers deserve to get such a high pay.  
  
Although some people might think that the concert should not charge customers such a high admission fee because they think it is unreasonable to cost so high. Moreover, some people may even maintain how come the products which are signed by those people's name could be rather expensive. However, there are several following reasons to support my opinion why the renowned people deserve to get these privilege.  
  
First of all, being illustrious singers and athletes are definitely difficult because those are in fierce competition. I could definitely reason that the probability to be a famed people is so low; thus, it is undoubted that they have to work in high pressure, which is much higher than the original people. Moreover, they have to invest a lot of money in marketing and relevant business, so this is why they need to get the feedback to balance wax and wane.  
  
Moreover, undoubtedly, those well-known people put lots of effort on their works. They spend a lot of time and money to make themselves outstanding under the stage. Each of them is sweating blood to attract the viewers' eyes. Take NBA basketball players, for example, LeBron James is the king in NBA no one can beat him solely, even three people are also difficult to defend his attack. His success comes from not only his talent but also his hard work. He makes a training schedule every day, discussing with his coach about every game and learns from mistakes. Furthermore, he has to follow the nutritionist's advice to control the calories. Virtually, his life is tight and busy, that he can not stop his steps because someone else may catch his steps or transcend him.  
  
In conclusion, the reasons which I mentioned above explain why I think that the famous singers and athletes deserve such a high wages. They invest a high price to acquire success so it is reasonable for them to earn lots of fortune.  
  
By the way, could someone tell how many scores I could get in Independent writing?
Hi Eric Sung, I think we should pay more attention on grammar to avoid grammatical mistakes in essays. I found some points like that in your essay such as  people from different social ... ( it should be people from different social status and do different kinds of works ) or ... and athletes are definitely difficult ( are should be is ) ; in high pressure ( under high pressure ) .  
  
That's all for you, and don't be sad because we're not perfect , be happy because we're trying to get more and more perfect everyday .  
  
Have a nice day !
@ERIC SUNG  
  
I've not been doing any TOELT writing recently but it seems that you've written the hooks.  
  
The introduction is though not straight to the points so takes up many words.  
  
The second and third paragraph seem irrelevant to me.  
  
If I were you, I would develop the idea centering their hard-work, personal expenses (diet, clothes, media ...) to support the topic question
Eric, in my opinion, you cannot score higher than a 3 with this essay because of inconsistencies in your writing. Your opening statement did not properly paraphrase the topic requirements in the original instructions so it would seem like you are discussing a totally different topic from the original. Then, rather than focusing on the general discussion regarding the salaries of the entertainers and celebrities, you focused on concerts, merchandise, and other similar topics. You also mentioned athletes specifically and how they train in order to earn their money. However,these people are all still in the same business, entertainment. Does that make them better skilled than a construction worker who risks his life to create office buildings? Or is their job more important than the bus driver who takes people to and from their destinations safely? In order to have better discussed this essay, you should have considered the more popular opinion regarding the salaries of these high earners. Since you are presenting your opinion in the essay, then you should first present the opinion that you will be contradicting in order to give credence to your claims.
## Technology affects relation between members of family

  
  
Nowadays, many problems are caused by that children tend to spend less time with their parents.Firstly, they have trouble with showing opinion and controlling behavior. With children, mom and dad are the most familiar people, so they will be really lonely and upset if their parents don't have enough time to them. It is reason why they try to attract attention from other with undesirable behaviors.Secondly, it is much more dangerous if children are lured to commit crimes. Because they can not distinguish between wrong and right, so they don't know the consequences of their actions. In fact, many children in the world are used as tools for cheating and stoling. In sumary, children need to be listened and cared from parents. Please! don't leave they alone.