dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello everyone, can you help me to fix my essay?.  
  
**Some people think that it is better for children to read books and other materials that are educational. Other people think that children should be allowed to read whatever they like.**  
  
## Reading for children

  
  
Books, which are saved knowledge, are very important to people, especially with students. Unfortunately, books aren't always useful, so some people believe that it is more advanced for young people read books and other material that is for training. Other people consider that youngsters should be let's read whatever they like.  
  
In the first view, It is more useful for students to read books and other materials that are for informative academic. Educational books are very good for young people but children need to discover which thing they really like, it is more important than just following an educational system. Studying book always be used in school so actually, young people read them every day. It is the reason make bore for studying. Those reasons can harm youngster's dream, it may destroy young people's future.So read educational books is useful but it is not enough.  
  
In other hand, people understand that children should be permitted to read whatever they want. This way is very good for students but has some negative effects.First of all, the content of some books may not appropriate to the age of youngsters. Secondly, a plot may consist of violent and aggressive scenes. As a consequence, such kind of books can damage children's mind and make them cruel.Those effects may damage youngsters' life.So in this opinion, it is very risky to allowed children read whatever they like.  
  
In my opinion, I believe that young people should read whatsoever their parents allowed. Adults have many experiences about life so they knew which books are useful for their sons and daughters. This way is compiled between allowing and preventing so teenagers can read what they interesting but we sure the books are safed. I think that children will develop completely and strongly by this solution.
You said "important to people", so this should be "to students",too. Also, in the introduction you should not use "aren't" but "are not". This must be noticed when writing an academic essay. I see your essay has several grammatical mistakes, like: in other hand ( on the other hand) ; Studying book always be used ( Studying book are always used); It is the reason make bore for studying ???; read educational books is useful ( "reading" or "to read" instead) ; to allowed ; experiences about life (in life)......  
  
It is obvious that you don't use the correct collocations for your words and your verb tense is also uncorrect.  
Try to make progress, it is just my own point of view about your thread.
Phuc, your original prompt instruction is incomplete. What is the discussion instruction that you were provided with for this essay? Without that instruction, it will be next to impossible to assess your paper in terms of TA considerations. Bear in mind, the TA is the section of the scoring criteria that will set the stage for the passing or failing of your essay. So that is the foremost consideration I have when I consider how to advise you regarding your problem points and areas for improvement. Without knowing what the discussion points are for this essay, it would seem like you have a pretty good, but basic presentation of your discussion. It is one that can be considered as informative, to a certain extent. When it comes to the concluding paragraph though, once again, the same mistake has been made, a student has tried to pass off the personal opinion as the closing statement. For the umpteenth time, I will again say this, "No personal opinion can be used to close an academic essay." The academic essay needs to close on a recap of the results of the discussion. All the writing rules have indicated that a new discussion or a personal opinion cannot take place in a conclusion because the conclusion should never continue the discussion with new information. A concluding paragraph is so easy to develop. Just restate the prompt again, the discussion points made in summary form, and a repeat of your personal opinion. That is all that is required and isn't difficult to accomplish.
You should use some words such as aren't, let's in an academic essay.  
"books are very important to people" can be replaced by "books play an important role in learning". "play an important role" is good collocation. If you use more collocations for each topic, you can get higher band score.  
  
"very good" can be replaced by "essential". you should use academic words. Remember this.  
Why when you write books, "educational system" is mentioned here. It is not appropriate. You can replace it with "reference books".  
"but has some negative effects": "but it has some negative effects" or "but it can cause some detrimental impacts"(good paraphrase for negative effects).  
  
When you give an idea, it is essential to have an example of explanation, it will make your essay have more convince (my teacher said that).  
  
(Good luck)
I would appreciate it if someone can give me some feedback on my essay. Thank you!  
  
## online access in three nations of America

  
  
The figure gives information about Internet usage in three nations, including the U.S., Canada, and Mexico, during a span of ten years. From 1999 to 2009, the overall rising trend in the percentage of Internet users was ubiquitous across all three countries.  
  
At the beginning of the period, the USA had the highest Internet usage of 20% of the population. In the second place was Canada with 10% Internet usage, followed by Mexico with around 3%. Over the ensuing years, all three countries all experienced growth in Internet use, albeit at different rates. The most dramatic rise was seen in Canada, as the country overtook the States in terms of the proportion of Internet users in 2002. Meanwhile, Mexican Internet growth rate was marginal, leaving the country behind its two North American partners by as large as a 20% difference in 2002.  
  
From 2002 onwards, the U.S. began to catch up, matching Canada's Internet level three years later at the 70% mark. Mexico, on the other hand, maintained the minuscule increase rate, eventually reaching about 40% Internet usage in 2009. At the same time, the race between the USA and Canada took yet another turn, as Canada soon outran the States and finished at 100% Internet use in 2009. The USA followed closely at the 90% mark.  
  
*   
*Prompt*
Long, you are using English terms in the wrong context throughout the essay. In the first paragraph, you said, "... internet usage in three nations, including the U.S....". When there are no other nations mentioned in the graph aside from the 3 listed, the correct sentence would be "... internet usage in 2 nations namely; the U.S..." or "... internet usage in the US, Canada, and Mexico." By the way, you neglected to identify the kind of graph that you are being asked to analyze. That is an important part of the opening summary and should never be neglected in the presentation. There are only 2 sentences in your opening statement when there should be at least 3. The final sentence could have been a representation of what analysis is required of the chart. The coherence and cohesiveness portion of your essay score will be affected when the paragraphs do not meet the minimum requirements. Remember that. I think you did not examine the image for minute comparison points. There are 2 instances when the US and Canada had tied in figures or overlapped in number. These small but significant details are, when included in the final essay, able to increase certain aspects of your score. Always be conscious of that fact and look for the small details for presentation.
Long, I have other comments:  
  
I think that your opening statement is a bit general. You should include 2 main points from the chart. For example:  
  
"The chart shows the proportion of Internet users in the US, Canada and from 1999 to 2009.  
It is clear that Mexico had the lowest proportion of Internet subscribers among the three countries while Canada experienced the fastest growth over the period shown. "  
  
Another thing is that the following paragraphs should follow these main points accordingly. To illustrate what I'm saying, this is what I would write for the rest of the report  
  
"In 1999, the corresponding figures for three nations showed small gaps. The proportions of Internet users in the USA and Canada started to increase rapidly while that of Mexico experienced a slow growth until 2001. Although this growth sped up a little bit in the next period to 2005, it followed its previous pace in the last phase and Mexico became the least developed nation in terms of proportion of Internet users.  
  
Although Canada had lower proportion of Internet users than the US, it surpassed America in 2002. The two countries had the same percentage of Internet users in 2005, but Canada then kept the leading position for the whole of the rest period until 2009.":
*Please show me any mistakes, make some comments and give band score of my essay.*  
  
**Some people prefer to stay in the same type of work all their life, and others prefer to change their jobs from time to time. Discuss both sides and states your own opinion.**  
  
## different careers during the lifetime

  
  
Individuals have different views about the number of careers they work in their life. Personally, I think choosing one suitable job is better because it brings long-term benefits, while people who alter job sectors constantly will face with both advantages and disadvantages. However, both viewpoints will be critiqued.  
  
Those who prefer changing companies have various reasons to do that. The most significant point is because of their dissatisfaction with the recent work. These people frequently suppose that the job is boring, not suitable for their interest, abilities, time, or simply they have low salary or arguments with their colleagues or boss. Instead of extremely attempting to make everything better, they find a new job immediately, continue to cope with new challenges, and restart the cycle.  
  
By constrast, there is a group of individuals dedicating their professional life for only one corporation. There is only one reason for this choice : They are looking forward to a great success which only can be achieved by spending all of their endeavor and concentration. After a long time with the profession, overcoming initial drawbacks, they are not only able to gain profound knowledge of their field, but also increase opportunity of recognitions and promotions.  
  
In conclusion, while there are convincing arguments on both sides I strongly believe that it is better to follow only one job all the life, because altering companies continually have chances to become a mistake.
@tuquyen11010  
In terms of content, I think you should make full use of your 40 minutes to develop and strengthen your arguments further. For reference, you may want to view  
  
forbes/sites/jacquelynsmith/2013/03/08/the-pros-and-cons-of-job-hopping/#3e80aae47bea  
  
In terms of writing style, there's still room for improvement.  
... number of careers they **work** in their life --> they **should work** in their life  
  
... one suitable is better than what?. Better is a word used for comparison. Although you may imply the latter clause (i.e. better than changing jobs multiple times), you need to make it clearer in the first sentence.  
  
The most significant ~~point~~ reason is ~~because of their~~ dissatisfaction with the ~~recent~~ current work  
  
... dedicating their professional life ~~for~~ to only one corporation  
... a great success which ~~only~~ can **only** be achieved by ~~spending all of their endeavor and concentration~~ concentrating and making the best effort  
  
**... convincing arguments ~~on~~ from both sides (...) follow only one job ~~all the life~~ throughout one's life**, because altering companies continually ~~have chances to become a mistake~~ **may prove mistaken**.  
  
Cheers!
Quyen, you will probably get a band score of 6 with this essay. While there was a problem with your opening paragraph, which I will explain below, the overall essay stuck to the discussion, used common and easily understandable examples, and allowed for a logical discussion to progress within the essay. However, the lack of a properly developed personal opinion held the essay back. That is another discussion that I will focus on in this review.  
  
With regards to the opening statement, the outline, or manner of paraphrase representation is suggested in the original prompt. In the original, the topic was first given, the first point of view, second point of view, then the instruction for the discussion which included your personal opinion. So the paragraph should have looked more like this:  
  
*There are some people who manage to stay in one job or career all their life. Then there are others who seem to keep switching career and jobs for some reason. This essay will discuss the reasons why people would stay at one job while others seem to prefer to work at various jobs in their career. Additionally, I will offer my personal opinion regarding this topic for the information of the readers.*  
  
The way that you wrote the paraphrasing is a bit confusing for the reader. Clarity in your writing will always result in a better TA and GRA score for you. Keep the discussion simple and do not try to create complex discussions if you are not able to do so yet.  
  
In terms of your discussion, it isn't using complex sentences in a good way yet. However, the discussion body that you present is understandable enough and does not cause undue stress on the reader. Therefore, you did a good enough job in terms of your LR and GRA. The cohesiveness and coherence still needs a little work. That will improve as your paragraph presentation and use of sentences improve.  
  
The personal paragraph you presented is not accurately developed because you presented it as a closing statement. A personal statement is never provided at the close of an essay because it carries new information for the reader. The concluding statement is only a summary of the discussion that you presented so that is what should be seen in it. Not the personal opinion.
**Question:**  
  
The best way for governments to solve the problem of traffic congestion is providing free public transport for 24 hours per day, and seven days a week.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
**Answer:**  
  
## more feasible solutions necessary

  
  
It is sometimes argued that the best solution to traffic problem is to traffic problem is to provide a free public transport system all the time. While I accept that may suit with many people, I believe that government should give more feasible solutions to address this problem.  
  
On the one hand, there are several reasons why helping people easily access to public transports without paying the fee is beneficial in some ways. The first reason is that the using of bus and trains would help to ease traffic flow. If the government issues free bus and train passes for citizens in their countries, the demand for using private vehicles will be less serve as bus and metros are highly accessible. Another convincing reason worth mentioning is that using free public transports can help people avoid traffic jams in rush hour. For example, if employees and students chose to drive their car to go home, the traffic would be worsen that waste them a lot of time on the roads.  
  
On the other hand, governments should consider providing more possible solutions to tackle traffic congestion. Firstly, it would be costly to provide a free public transport system for everyone while other important sectors, such as education and health care, need to be funded. This is evidence to support the idea that providing a public transport for citizens is not the best solution to solve traffic problems. Secondly, the number of passengers is very small at some certain time of a day, especially when it comes to the period from midnight to early morning. This may result in wasting of a lot of things such as fuel.  
  
In conclusion, it is certainly true that proving people free public transportations play an important role in tackling traffic jam, but this is by no means the key consideration for government in solving this problem.
Hue, your answer to the task runs counter to the discussion prompt that you were provided. Rather than discussing whether or not you agree with the opinion presented, you are instead, discussing why the government should give solutions to the problem. That change in the prompt requirement on your part will result in a failing score for this essay. Why will it fail? It will fail because it cannot get a score higher than a 1. The reason for the score? The essay does not accurately respond to the prompt instructions. As such, it will automatically get a failing mark in terms of TA considerations. Although the body of the essay does provide a traffic related response, it does not provide a justification for the expected agreement or disagreement with the original prompt instructions. This is evidence that a different essay prompt was created and discussed by the exam taker. As such, the examiner will have no choice but to bestow a failing grade on the TA portion. Once that portion fails, the whole essay fails, regardless of other scoring considerations because the discussion does not align itself with the prompt requirements.
Hello Huệ,  
  
I agree with @Holt, I will give you more details.  
  
The prompt is a solution for traffic jams so you don't need to write *Another convincing reason worth mentioning is that using free public transports can help people avoid traffic jams in rush hour*.  
  
The example is not related to any reason so you should change it.  
  
In the third para, *governments should consider providing more possible solutions to tackle traffic congestion* is does not relate to those sentences below. I think you should say This solution is good but it is not enough.  
  
Minh Phuc
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.**  
  
## **Young People's Dependency on Changing World**

  
  
These days, people have different opportunities to take action about any situation more than the past. However, some people think that young people are still dependent their parents like as the before. These people who think young people are still dependent their parents have some aspects such as economic dependence and constant cultural values.  
  
Firstly, the main reason why young people are still dependent their relatives is economic dependence. Young people study at high school or university. They need money to take care of themselves. However, they have a busy schedule and challenging lessons their school life, and even they want to earn money harshly they could not make money because of their busy schedule and hard lessons. So that, they should take money from their parents. For instance, a student who is studying medicine away from her home country needs money to make a living. She cannot work any job because of her busy schedule. Her family help her to study so that she will depend on her parents.  
  
Secondly, another reason why young people still depend on their parents is constant cultural values. All countries have various cultural values about different subjects. Individuals who have cultural values teach children their cultural values on children's earlier lives. Children grow with their cultural values. Consequently, they will have the same opinion about different subjects like their parents have. For instance, a person who raises with the idea that we should pray before eating for gratitude God will continue to pray after he left the homeland. He will still depend on his parent's belief.  
  
As a result, some people think that young people still depend on their parents. These people have strong points such as economic dependence and constant cultural values. If someone wants to be independent should study hard much as the past.
Alta, you failed to respond to the prompt statement at the end of your opening paraphrase. This being a TOEFL essay, means that you must indicate your opinion at the end of the paragraph. This creates the subject statement or thesis statement for your essay. By failing to do this, you have altered the prompt requirements and have shown a clear lack of English comprehension skills when it comes to given instructions. You are not being asked for the reasons that young people are still dependent upon their parents. Rather, you are being asked to defend your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Since your opening paraphrase did not properly represent the discussion, the whole slant of your essay discussion development has been altered to the point where it does not accurately respond to the original prompt requirements. With that indication, it would appear that your essay will most likely, not get a score higher than a 1 due to questionable response that you made in relation to the task provided.
Tong, somehow I feel like this is the draft response that you wrote for the prompt. Your responses are correct, the problem, is that the paragraphs are not arranged properly so that is make more sense when the reader begins to assess your written work. Your response is right on the mark. All you have to do is take the time to review your response prior to submission. There are times when you need to just rearrange the paragraphs in order for it to become stronger in presentation. For example, in this essay, you placed the strong establishing paragraph at the end instead of near the top. Look at the essay if it is rearranged in the following manner:  
  
*There is a prevailing belief that it is better to travel abroad ...  
  
Traveling abroad is a precious passage ...  
  
Interesting as it is, traveling abroad will ...  
  
I advocate traveling abroad when we are young ...*  
  
Then write the summary concluding paragraph as required by the essay format. You don't really require all the segue phrases at the start of your paragraphs. You are writing a time limited essay so you need to go directly to the point as soon as you can. I realize that you were using those as subject sentences but it doesn't work that way in an academic essay of this sort. Sometimes, using those sentences create a diversion in your response, which ends up weakening your statement, which can have an adverse effect on your final score.  
  
I don't want to score this essay because you need to be given a chance to fix the presentation. Don't worry though, I saw the fact that you have the ability to write a well developed response essay and that talent will help you pass the test. Provided you get to format the paragraphs in a more proper and responsive manner.