dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Khoa, you can actually score a 5 with this essay. The strongest part of your essay was your properly developed paraphrasing and opinion statement at the beginning. This good paragraph earned you a pretty decent score in the Task Accuracy portion of the test. It showed a clear understanding of the instructions and also added a unique outline touch by indicating that you will be discussing the reasons supporting your opinion. While the major discussion points had imperfect grammar, there was a clear sense of what you were trying to explain to your reader. However, there were times, such as in the second to the last paragraph when the essay lost focus and thought organization resulting in a lack of overall progression in the discussion. Try to discuss only one reason at a time and do not introduce new information within the same paragraph. A single presentation per paragraph always allows for the best discussion development as the focus of the reader is concentrated on one reason alone. This also allows you to better explain yourself and develop a stronger English presentation. The conclusion was problematic though because it fell short of the required paragraph number (3) and tried to present underdeveloped new ideas as additional discussion points instead of just concluding the essay by using the expected method of a discussion summation and concluding presentation. Anyway, you still did good work since you developed over 260 words for the essay. Way over the 250 minimum requirement. Remember though, each paragraph needs at least 3 sentences to qualify as an academic paragraph. You fell short of that requirement once in this essay.
hi @daiha20082009  
  
That car, bus, motorbike and many vehicle are the main factor emit a ton of CO2 into the atmosphere annually,  
it should be better to say "carbon dioxide" rather than write the formula  
Sometimes i found non-sense sentences in which it will be better of you mention what kind of transportation using railways because railways are the way not the carrier of passengers, so does the road. In your conclusion, you may state your agreement plus your thesis statement. Overall, your essay is good.
The prompt says: These days, more and more people are going to another country for significant periods of time, either to find a job or to study. There are clearly many benefits to doing this, but people who live abroad can also face some difficulties. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living and working in the foreign country.  
  
## The life/work outside of the home country

  
  
Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about living and studying and working overseas. While spending the meaningful periods of time abroad is profitable, especially the young generation, they have to deal with hardship which probably happens. This essay will discuss the profits and the drawbacks of moving to another country.  
  
Living abroad has so many positive aspects which are really impressive. The first greatest merit of living and working oversea is to boost the knowledge which is really important for whatever purposes. For example, every year, while the demand of finding the job is increasing, the chance to get the career is enormously decreasing, so to have a good job is not really easy. People go to another country to study and get necessary certifications which are required in the job application. Therefore, people will improve their living standard, with a better life.  
  
Secondly, not only is living in the foreign country to boost the knowledge but also it helps people become independent and mature. Living away from family, people need to be able to possess the basic skills which meet their need, for example how to do chores. If they do not know that, they have done research or practice themselves to prepare for their own future simply because they can't rely on anyone. After the periods of time, they are confident and have a guarantee that they grew up and can live alone.  
  
On the other hand, living abroad can lead so many disadvantageous problems. Firstly, the most serious problem is that people can't adapt to a new and strange environment. For example, nostalgia is the factor that is able to have a bad effect on human's life, especially the youth who have not been far away from their family can't pay attention to study or work. Consequently, receiving the bad result, they feel tragic because of wasting time and money.  
  
Similarly, culture shock is the second dangerous drawback. For example, there are so many differences from language to ways of life. If they can't get used to and keep pace with them, they will isolate themselves from society, which is really hazardous because they will suffer from consequences relating mentality.  
  
To conclude, living abroad which has the balance between the positive and negative aspects is not really easy. Personally, I think people need to prepare from strong spirit to knowledge about that country and basic skills before going to the foreign country.
To, towards the conclusion, you used the term "personally" which indicates that you opinion was being asked for in the essay. The prompt you provided did not indicate the need for a personal opinion. Therefore, your conclusion should not have reflected a personal opinion, only a generalized point of view regarding the situation. The overall essay doesn't really have much problems aside from a need for you to learn to use transition sentences in a proper manner. Sometimes, your paragraphs lack a clear thought progression but that is alright because your thought process is clear anyway. That is not to say that you should not practice thought progression though. You absolutely must try to develop a chronological thought presentation in all your essays. This essay shows some more improvement in your essay writing development. I believe that you can score a 5 at the most with this essay. Keep up the good work and try to avoid the mistakes that you made in this particular essay in the future.
***Hi Maitouyen**, these below are my corrections for finalizing this essay.  
  
Firstly, you actually displayed your overview, However, if you wanna get a higher score, you should mention drawbacks and benefits which you will explain in the body paragraph, represented in a short sentence. You don't need to include its reasons, only keyword of your view. Following this, I reckon you have not got the meaning of prompts given. You are supposed to review benefits what they can get while working in another country, not to come back from overseas. That I found at the example you gave in the first body paragraph. You failed to show a logical flow to present your view.  
  
Generally, the body paragraph consists of two or three paragraphs. However, you wrote those over. It's better on condition that you marge between the first and second paragraph, and between the third and fourth paragraph. After that, please you avoid making a contraction in the essay. That might be a minor error, but that can reduce your score more if you make many contractions. For your conclusion paragraph, you should create it from paraphrasing the thesis statement. Besides that, you don't include your personal statement in this essay beacuse the question does not ask you.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you  
GOOD LUCK*
hi @Maitouyen282  
  
about living and studying and working overseas.  
better if you change and to be comma before 'studying'  
  
Firstly, the most serious problem is that people can't adapt to a new and strange environment.  
In academic essay, you have to avoid using contractions, i found many on yours.  
It is clear that you have multiple ideas both advantages and disadvantages so that you divide them to make it really clears for readers. However, the last body paragraph has a pretty short sentences in which you can put into the third body paragraph as the further explanations.  
  
hope it helps you...
Please comment, Please check and correct my mistakes (Grammar and Vocabulary)  
  
TOPIC: Although more and more people read the news on the internet, newspaper will remain the most important source of news for the majority of people. Do you agree or disagree with that statement?  
  
## News Printed and Online

  
  
Advances in technology have given impact on life of people. Some people believe that despite the widespread popularity of online media, but traditional newspaper still hold the most vital position among news readers. In my perspective, the news on the internet will has become important role than printed newspaper.  
  
It is true that have many reasons to attract people read news on the internet. First of all, the news of source is easy access huge storage of news, you only type the keyword and wait for a few seconds. Secondly, online media is quickly update information by hours. In fact, for example terrorist attacks, would be updated immediately on CNN or other online media. By contrast, with process waste time editing and printing, traditional newspaper might not compete with the internet in terms of the updating speed. Besides, one limitation of newspaper is that it can not convey visual messages to people who read news on a regular basis. Meanwhile, online media has allowed you to upload photos, voice records and videos on online websites. For instance, football fans can re-watch their favorite matches anytime they want with only a laptop connected to the internet, which a paper can not do.  
  
In conclusion, I absolutely disagree that printed paper would continue to be the role of importance because more and more people will use the internet who will be receive benefits from it.
Dat, your essay is really very confusing to read because you use connecting words where it is not necessary. One example of the misplaced use of connecting words is in your opening statement's sentence #2. When you use connecting words unnecessarily, such as in the instance of the 2nd sentence, you end up writing a sentence that does not make any sense because there is no meaning to it. There is no clear subject and predicate indicated in the developed thought. Therefore, the viewer is left highly confused by what you are trying to say.  
  
Next, you took the second paragraph and discussed all of the possible topics for discussion, in support of your statement there. That is never the right approach because you end up just giving information without really explaining how this supports your point of view. When writing an opinion essay, it is not the quantity of evidence that you present, but the quality of the evidence that you present which is important. Delivering one ore two properly explained and developed stands for your discussion will be more than sufficient. However, these need to be delivered as highly developed individual paragraphs and not as a continuous paragraph discussion. Aim for at least a 4 paragraph discussion presentation at all times.  
  
Finally, the conclusion you developed is too short. Always stick to the required minimum of 3 sentences and make sure that you accurately summarize the previous discussion for the conclusion. You did an acceptable job with your conclusion. It would have been better though if you had presented at least 3 sentences in it for a higher possible overall score.
Fastfood is now universally in most countries and is becoming increasingly popular.Some feel that this is a positive trend, while others do not. What are your opinion in this?  
  
## Traditional Cooking is Better

  
  
Nowadays, with the striking development of economy, people have changed their lifestyle so much when compare to the others in the past. One of these changes is fastfood which is more and more popular in every country. Although this is cheap and convenient for officers and people who do not have enough time to cook, it brings many problems with we cannot guess.  
  
First of all, these days, in everywhere, we can easy to find fastfood stores such as KFC, Lotte fried chicken,.... It's the best way to eat the meal which is save time, cheap and also very delicious. However, using fastfood regularly is harmful for health because it contains a great deal of fat. Gradually, people will get some serious diseases include hypertension, increasing blood lipid, and even diabetes. These illnesses are very hard to therapy and also cost of large of money, so it damages to the happiness of among people and the economy of every country.  
  
Secondly, whereas people is used to eat fastfood, they do not want to learn to cook anymore. As the result, the fewer people can cook, the fewer traditional foods we can keep. If no one thinks about it, traditional foods will be disappeared forever one day. Finally, in the oriental, family meal is very special. It's a good chance to meet all the member in family. If fastfood becomes more and more popular, our traditional meal will be changed forever. After that, we will continuously lose many things which we can not imagine.  
  
By the way of conclusion, although fastfood is cheap and convenient, among people have to decide themselves what they will do to protect their tradition. For me, cooking traditional foods is the best way to do it.
Phong, you have a very solid opening statement. It gives the reader the idea that you are actually responding properly to the prompt requirement because you delivered an almost grammatically accurate representation of the original topic for discussion and the method by which you have to discuss it. As i rad your essay, I noticed that you used the name of a fast food restaurant that is exclusive to your area of the world. I suggest that you do not do that in your succeeding essays. As the examiner may or may not be familiar with certain things based upon your home country, it is always best for you to use more popular and international examples that most people might be familiar with. For example, aside from KFC, you could have used McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King, among others as examples of fast food restaurants. As for your conclusion, it could have been better written if you did not say "By way of conclusion" and instead said "In conclusion" instead. Also, a better wrap up of the essay is necessary since you are required to properly restate the discussion, reasons, and personal opinions yet again. Your conclusion did not accurately do that and also, came up very short in the minimum 3 sentence requirement for these essays.
Hi, There are few mistakes in sentence formation and using of right verb .l have corrected few to show the difference.  
  
What are your opinion on this?  
Rewritten it  
Nowadays, with the development of an economy, people have changed their lifestyle compared to the past. One of the changes is fast food consumption, which has become popular with every country. Although it is cheap and convenient for people that do not have enough time to cook, but continuous consumption of it increased the risk of many dreadful diseases.  
  
First of all, these days, we can easy to find fast food stores everywhere, rephrase sentence  
  
It's the best way to eat the meal which saves time [corrected verb]  
  
However, eating fast food regularly has harmful for health because it contains a great deal of fat. [corrected]
## TOP 7 STEPS TO MAKE YOUR INTERNET OF THINGS MORE SECURE

  
  
I.INTRODUCTION  
  
The Internet of Things or IoT is a favorite topic in the Information Technology industry. Miniaturization, cost, and the "maker" community are driving the use of small, low-cost computing devices in software, hardware, industrial and home use cases.  
  
A.The expanding number of devices connected to private and public networks is changing the way those information technology professionals look at the scale of these systems.  
  
B.How these devices will interact with each other, existing systems, and people will affect how companies do business as well the daily lives of consumers.  
  
II.THE FIRST STEP YOU CAN TAKE IS TO CONTROL OF THE NETWORK.  
  
A.If you isolate the network that your IoT devices reside you can limit your exposure to infection and intrusion.  
B.One method you can use to control IoT network access to limit IoT devices to their own network segment. Only devices that need to contact each other directly should be able to communicate.  
  
C.Always use an intermediary when allowing devices to communicate.  
  
III.THE SECOND STEP IS TO SECURE THE COMMUNICATION.  
  
A.Place your IoT devices on their own network.  
B.Remove connectivity to the rest of the connected personal devices in your home.  
  
IV.THE THIRD STEP IS TO GUARANTEE THE RECIPIENT OF THE COMMUNICATION THROUGH CERTIFICATES.  
  
A.A certificate is the guarantee of secure connectivity to an individual device.  
B.Certificates are the foundation of secure communication.  
  
V.THE FOURTH STEP IS TO ENSURE AN UPDATE PATH FOR THE LOCAL DEVICE SOFTWARE.  
  
A.Open source software allows many people to ensure the quality of code.  
B.Small but significant contributions can increase the iterations of software.  
  
VI.THE FIFTH STEP IS TO WHITELIST DEVICE INBOUND COMMUNICATION.  
  
A.Rather than allowing any communication, restrict commication to specific commands and valid data entries.  
B.An example includes a light only having the ability to communicate with other lights in the same ecosystem.  
  
VII.THE SIXTH STEP IS TO WHITELIST DEVICE OUTBOUND COMMUNICATION.  
  
A.The IoT devices should be limited through proxy to prevent aces to external resources. This limits the ability to act aggressively against outside devices and to prevent personal data leakage.  
  
B.Ensure limits on the types of external data transmitted.  
  
VIII.THE SEVENTH STEP IS TO TREAT THE IOT DEVICES AS UNTRUSTED.  
  
A.Do not allow unrestricted communication and access to IoT devices.  
B.Prevent data transmission between unrelated devices.  
  
IX.REGARDLESS OF COMMERCIAL OR HOME BASED IOT, THESE STEPS WILL REDUCE THE POSSIBILITY OF SECURITY THREATS.  
  
A.Security is the baseline required to make IoT usable before we can relinquish control of our homes and offices.  
B.With these concrete steps, IoT can reach the security threshold to balance security and flexibility.
Roy, your steps 2 and 3 are redundant. If you read the outlines very well, you will discover that you merely restated the same information in different methods twice. It does not add new information nor expand upon the previous information. You may want to rethink that part of the outline to offer some other information related to the security of the IoT. The topics that you have outline for discussion in the 4th to last outline are better suited for the discussion and avoids redundancies. So those paragraphs can be developed in your research with more efficiency than numbers 2 and 3. The information is delivered in a clear and understandable manner at this point. It is not so technical that only computer experts can understand what you are saying. It is understandable to even those with a limited computer background. Anybody who has a computer or an android phone will understand what the essay is about.
I would be thankful if you can take a look at my essay.  
  
It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.  
  
Please let me know...  
-Is it correct grammer ?  
-Is it enough supporting sentences ?  
-What else should I do to develop my ideas ?  
-------  
  
Children are the most precious things on Earth. They will form the future and it is parent's duty to provide the best environment for their raising. Therefore, it may be better for the children to be raised in the countryside, because it offers better environmental conditions, especially, with regard to health, security, and human-relations.  
  
While air pollution such as traffic fumes, burning coal for power stations are some of the problem troubling many big cities, the countryside offers good air quality. Furthermore, while living in the countryside natural food without preservatives is often available, providing children with a well-balanced diet for their needs and health. In addition to good air and good food, children living in the countryside have more chances of playing outdoor games, developing good physical health. Another aspect to take in consideration, when choosing whether it's better to grow up your children in a big city or in a rural area, is in terms of security. The first prospect of this is criminality and, in the countryside children are less likely to be faced with it. Above all, in a small community children can feel that everybody is a friend, when they are in a big family they feel protected, and they feel beloved.  
  
To sum up, it can be better for children to grow up in the countryside although there are several disadvantages such as distance, better education, and social life including going theatres, museum, and so on. However, the place which is as wonderful as paradise does not exist in the real world. The important thing is that we should consider children's feelings and emotions to understand what they really want.
Pirfena, when you write a TOEFL essay, you are expected to present your discussion in a particular paragraph format. Your essay doesn't follow the required presentation that requires you to do the following:  
  
1. Present the paraphrased topic statement and instructions for the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. You may state your agreement or disagreement in this part of the essay.  
  
2. Discuss the dissenting / opposing / disagreeing opinion using the first person pronouns "I, me".  
3. Discuss the supporting opinion as per the prompt reasoning.  
4. Discuss your personal opinion that agrees with the aforementioned opinion.  
5. Conclude the discussion by presenting the summarized facts and a repetition of your opinion.  
  
One of the problems that I saw in your essay is your tendency to discuss more than one reason per paragraph. As a rule of thumb, you are to present only one discussion per paragraph because you only have 5 sentences with which to defend your stance. Any additional reasons should be presented in a separate, fully developed paragraph. You must not present more than one opinion per paragraph because that results in an under developed paragraph or confusing paragraph if your command of the English language is not strong. That will cause stress for the reader, who may get confused and in the process, lower your possible score.