In your reasoning paragraphs, you cannot start the second presentation with "I argue" because you have yet to present the second public point of view reasoning discussion. Whether you support it or not, you have to use a third person point of view at this point. You can only present your agreement int he 3rd reasoning section, which is your personal point of view discussion. You cannot have two personal points of view. Analyze the essay discussion requirement, it asks you to discuss both points of view (public) and then your personal (private) point of view so the statement format for the reasoning presentation is:  
  
- Public 1  
- Public 2  
- Personal  
  
Additionally, these essays are never debates or arguments. These are just discussions so do not use inflammatory terms such as "argue or debate". Simply indicate that you support or agree with the previous paragraph because (present your discussion topic). Elaborate on your reason within that paragraph. You do not need 2 paragraphs to do that. You end up writing the essay in the wrong format. Always count the discussion paragraphs and write it based on the points of view that need to be presented on an individual basis.  
  
Use topic sentences to start your paragraphs instead of filler phrases like "on the one hand" or "on the other hand". These work well towards fulfilling the word count, but does not help to deliver a clearer explanation or a cohesive discussion. An example of your direct topic sentence is:  
  
*Governments have to ban dangerous games since these ones have a potential risk which players cannot control well.*  
  
Use a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph to help create a cohesive / connected transition from one paragraph to the next. For example. The previous paragraph could have ended with:  
  
*However, people who have been trained to participate in these sports should be able to safely perform the dangerous activities.*  
  
That sentence alone connects the existing paragraph to the next which you started with the connected discussion topic:  
  
*People who take part in these actions are experts...*  
  
Do you see how the transition sentence in the previous paragraph clearly indicates the transition to the next discussion topic? That is the coherence that the examiner will be looking for in your writing. The ability to properly reflect the connection between reason 1 and reason 2.  
  
Additionally, your 3rd reasoning paragraph is too short. It does not contain a properly developed explanation and does not really prove a point. This happened because you tried to present 2 personal points of view, when only one is required.  
  
The concluding paragraph is lacking in content. You gave a personal opinion without doing the following first:  
  
- A 2nd version of the topic restatement  
- A presentation of the 2 public pov  
- Closing with a restatement of your personal point of view  
  
As of now, I am focusing solely on the format errors in your essay for now because you need to make sure that you have the proper essay response presentation before anything else is considered. All the other grammar and vocabulary errors can wait to be corrected. We need to focus on your English comprehension skills first, clarity of your discussion second, and everything else third. The last part, the grammar and LR sources, are the least of your problems .