dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives.  
What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?**  
  
In modern era, lots of children feel that life in under pressures from several aspects, such as in education, interaction with other people and commercial perspectives. Personally, I believe that there are many causes, such as less attention from parents and they involved with technology, such as hand phone and they forget with real interaction with other people. Besides, I think that there are several solutions to reduce these pressures, such as parents have the biggest responsibility to control their children and children must manage their time to use hand phone and to communicate with other in real life.  
  
To begin with, many working parents are less control to their children about several aspects, such as in academic and commercial. Because parents have not much time to attention their children in home. According to the latest KKKLM3 research in Queensland in 2014, 83 % children feel get the greatest pressure in school because they do not understand with the materials in the class and they have not support to review their lesson in the home from parents. As a consequence, children cannot follow what they teacher teach to them and it makes them down. Not only in academic aspect but also commercial too. As a solution, parents must control their children and give more attention for their children, so they can feel enjoy with their routine activities in their school.  
  
On the other hand, hand phone can give the biggest effect for social interaction of people especially children. With reference ti research of Social Science in UK in 2010, 97 % of people in UK use hand phone as communicate tools with others and minimum at 16 hours per day are used by people to play their hand phone. As a result, people especially children have weakness to build communication with others in real life because they always use hand phone. It became one aspect for children at under pressure in social. As a solution, parents and children must control to use hand phone in daily activity.  
  
To sum up, as far as I am concerned, I believe that support from parents and technology effect are the causes of children that feel under pressures in several aspects and I think that more attention from their parents and children can control using hand phone that can reduce these pressures.
WHEN WE STEP BACK TO THE 70'S ERA, CHILDREN AT THAT TIME WERE MORE LIKELY TO BLEND WITH OTHER PEERS BY PLAYING AT THE PARK OR OTHER PUBLIC FACILITIES, IT IS DIFFERENT FROM THE NOWADAYS' KIDS WHO ARE HAVING A TREMENDOUS INTENTION TO CUT THEIR SOCIAL LIFE BY USING TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE. IT SEEMS ACCEPTABLE TO UTILIZE SOPHISTICATED TOOLS SINCE IT CAN HELP THEM IN ACADEMIC SECTOR. YET, IN TERMS OF SOCIAL, THEY ARE SUFFERED FROM IT. THIS IS AGREED REASONABLY BY SARLITO SARWONO (A PROFESSOR AND PSYCHOLOGIST IN THE UNIVERSITY OF INDONESIA) WHO CONCLUDED IN HIS 2012 RESEARCH FINDING THAT SOCIAL PRESSURE IS COMING TO THE CHILDREN WHO ARE HOLDING CELLPHONE EXCESSIVELY, SINCE IT WILL BE HARD FOR THEM TO BUILD EYE-TO-EYE COMMUNICATION WITH THEIR FRIENDS IN THE REAL LIFE CONDITION. BY HAVING SO, THE ONLY WAY TO PREVENT THIS WORRYING PROBLEM IS BY AVOIDING THE YOUTHS TO RELY ON THEIR GADGET, AND FORGETTING ABOUT THEIR REAL LIFE.
**Summarize article : Finland set to become first country to ban coal use for energy**  
  
Finland was the first nation that will make the regulations to ban the coal energy by 2030. This is the fact that the cost of coal experienced significant drop over the years. Afterwards, the authorities decided to allocate their budget to the another renewable energy in the previous year. Apart form the new innovations, if this condition apperead to be true, it would make the country to be radical since applied this law banning coal. However, with this situation Finland can be the pioner for using the new energy that does not depend on the coal energy anymore.  
  
Source : newscientist
Dear Andika, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
... to ban the coal energy ~~by~~**in** 2030.  
  
This is **because of** the fact that the cost ~~of~~**for** coal experienced ...  
  
....to allocate their budget to ~~the~~ another renewable ...  
  
...it would make ~~the~~**this** country ~~to be~~**being** radical since ...  
  
... using the new energy ~~that~~**and****this nation** does not depend ...  
  
Regards
**TED Summary : Experimental Design for House**  
  
The speaker talked about the experimental design for house by a professional but not an architect. He made plan to construct the underground building. Therefore, the rural area has been chosen for his project. Also, he looked for the low price and use recycling materials to design it. The interest part in his project was using a lot of mirrors and windows. This is because that the materials can absorb the sunlight. Afterwards, it can be useful to generate the electricity. In addition, he tried to use the recycling materials as with this way it can reduce the negative effect in environment.
Hello Andika!  
Allow me to give you several suggestion.  
  
... the experimental design for house by ...  
It will be better, if you use "housing" than "house"  
  
Past perfect  
You should say, "Therefore, the rural area had been chosen ..."  
  
Simple past  
You should say" This was because that the materials could absorb the sunlight."  
  
Simple past  
You should say "Afterwards, it could be useful to ..."  
  
Simple past  
You should say "materials as with this way it could reduce the negative ..."  
  
Remember!  
Can = Present  
Could = Past  
  
Hope it helps you :)
**Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?**  
  
In recent years, children are facing the pressure in many perspectives such as academic, social, and commercial. As the experiences, the kinds of pressures are caused by parents and the social community which children live. Reducing the pressures is needed to create the better mentality of children such as giving the parenting education for parents and entering children to the right community  
  
First of all, parents which take full responsibility to children's mentality provide the pressure itself to children such as children have to study so that they can reach the sophisticated ranks in school. The research of Cambridge University in Educational System proved 62 percent of parents put their children to other courses after schools 4 hours in average time of their leisure time. It will harm children's brain and make them stress. Parents need parenting education to understand the way of growing children so that they can reduce the pressure and take the children to the highest potential level  
  
Secondly, the community joined by children can give the other pressures for children themselves. Friends from community usually have many perspectives in life such as having the modern life and hedonism with many modern gadgets. It will obtain another pressure in children. For instance, children who cruel with parents because they did not get any technology stuff get the pressure from their community lives. To reduce that pressure, children need to reveal their inconvenience and move to another community which provides the better social lives  
  
All in all, parents and community who cause the pressure on children's perspective in life should be reduced to increase their potential in every subject. Taking a parenting education and changing the better education will provide less stress to children
... children are facing ~~the~~ pressure in many ...  
1. "the" is refer to something that you already mentioned before. You don't mention any pressure before so avoid to use that.  
  
Reducing the pressures ~~is~~**ARE** needed to ...  
2. PRESSURES (PLURAL) + ARE (PLURAL)  
  
... have to study (COMMA) so that they ...  
3. add comma before linking words  
  
Taking ~~a~~ THE parenting education and ...  
4. use "the" because you already mention parenting education before
hai ifra  
You writing's skill so good  
I have some suggestions for you  
hope it helps  
  
1. try to paraphrase 'children' such as toddler, offspring, minor  
2. pressure >>> burden, tension,  
3. perspective >>> mindset, attitude  
  
... and the social community which children's live.  
  
... and community who ~~cause~~are causing the pressure on children's ...  
Therefore, <<< conjunction taking a parenting education ...  
  
thanks
There are numerous way to create a building that environmental friendly, one of them is to create underground house. In order to build an underground house, the professional should look a side of land that away from the crowd, so that they can construct a peaceful house. They then found a land with stone layer with a lot of recyclable material. Before construct the house, they firstly choose one architect's design then decide to build an underground house which has 2 storey. The house exposes to the light and has a lot of window and mirror from double layer strong glass which can spread the light. This house can also store energy from the sun and convert it into electricity. Its wall has a layer that can increase insulation. All of the house furniture is made from recyclable material. However, there is also a drawback building the underground house. They consume many concrete which release seven times CO2 that can damage the environment.
Hi Nurul,  
here some advice for your essay.  
please take consider about countable and uncountable issue  
  
There are numerous ~~way~~ways to create a (...) to create a underground house.  
... with a lot of recyclable ~~material~~materials . Before ~~construct~~constructing the house, they firstly ~~choose~~have chosen one architect's design.(when you using before or after, please consider about tenses that you will use)  
  
It then decide (...) which has 2 ~~storey~~storeys  
  
A heap of luck! :)
Needless to say, I would to tell what I heard before regarding contemporary experimental design for building. As a matter of fact, the owner of this underground building is a professional instead of architecture. The purpose of this building is to create structure that environmentally friendly for people in the immediate surroundings. Based on the owner' experience, he is less likely to dwell in urban area, thus, he decides to build this extremely marvelous installation using double layer strong glass to catch energy from the sun in the rural area. What interesting from this building is that using plenty of window and mirror to have enough light. Subsequently, this building also can reduce carbon dioxide which is perilous to occupants.
IELTS WRITING TASK 1 : CAMBRIDGE BOOK 5.5 - 6.5 | UNIT 7 PAGE 46  
  
There are 4 pie charts display about worker's relationship with their boss and peers that gained from surveys in 2005 and 2009. Overall, they had very good relationship in all years and each year tend to have similar order.  
  
It can be seen that there were two differences of relationship with supervisor in 205 and 2009. First, was the percentage. It only had less than 5 percent difference each of indicators. The highest were very good that increase from 61 percent to 65 percent in 2009, Good that decrease slightly by 4% into 22 percent, and do not have supervisor that rise from 1 percent to 5 percent. Second was the indicators. While some people were not give any answer in 2005 (2%), it did not appear in 2009.  
  
In the next group that showed relationship with pair-work, most of the people had very good relationship both in 2005 and 2009, 63 percent and 70 percent respectively. That indicator also became the highest rise among the others with 7% upward. The charts also had a diverse indicators while in 2005 there was a poor indicator, it disappeared in 2009.  
  
*
Dear Faiz, here some advice for your writing and feel free to correct me too!  
  
...with supervisor in ~~205~~**2005** and 2009.  
  
First, **it** was the percentage~~. It~~**which showed** only had less than ...  
  
The highest **one**~~were~~**was** very good **rate** that increase from 61 ...  
  
... **while** Good **proportion**~~that~~ decrease**d** slightly by 4% into 22 percent,...  
  
....and do not have **a** supervisor **figure**~~that rise~~**rose** from 1 percent to 5 percent.  
  
Regards
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of students who passed their high school competency exams, by subject and gender, during the period 2010-2011.**  
  
A comparison of proportion of high school competency test which are passed by pupils according to compulsory and their gender during academic year 2010-2011 is shown in the bar chart. Overall, male students had percentage of passing exam higher than female only in Geography and the lowest proportion of male who passed exam was in chemistry.  
  
It can be seen that, in science subjects, the highest proportion competency of girl students was computer science. There was 56.3% and it was higher 14.2% than boys in the same compulsory. The small gap of percentage between male and female students were in mathematics and physics by not more than 3%. Meanwhile, the lowest percentage of both genders was in chemistry, only a minority of male students at 14% and female students were higher about two times than male pupils.  
  
On the other hand, in social subjects, the highest proportion for both not more than 50%. Foreign languages experienced the greatest proportion for boys and girls students at 46.8% and 47.4% respectively. Lastly, the lowest percentage of female competency in social area was geography while for male student was in history.  
  
*
I have no idea why some of the members in this forum addressing overview more than once. Actually, you only need to address an overview once. It can be either in the beginning of your essay (introduction paragraph) or it might be in the last paragraph. Addressing an overview by using cohesive device is also suggested, but using TWO cohesive devices related to overview is NOT. It is unfortunate that you accidentally addressed them twice by stating "overall" at first then in the beginning of the first body paragraph you mention "it can be seen that". For your information, there are many cohesive devices that can be used in the first body paragraph. Those are "To begin with", "A closer look on the data/graph/table/chart", "Initially", and many more. However, it might look simple but a simple mistake like this can be taken into account because it also becomes one of the criteria that is assessed in IELTS writing task 1. Unclear or No overview can make you only score 5 in an actual test, the same case as this essay.
... passed by pupils according to ~~compulsory~~**SUBJECTS** and their gender during **THE**academic year ...  
1. COMPULSORY : adjective : meaning : important because it's law. So what is your mean there ?  
  
2. add the because it refer to the graph  
  
Overall, male students had percentage of passing exam higher than female only in Geography ...  
3. What is the highest value? I think it is greater to complete your overview with "highest amount"
**The bar chart below shows shares of expenditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009**  
  
A comparison of people's spending in four different nations for five main necessaries during 2009, measured by percentage is revealed in the table. As a general trend, most of expenditures in the UK and in the US, Canada as well, was spent for accommodation. Meanwhile, groceries were chosen by Japan Nation as the largest proportion.  
  
Food, housing, and transportation became the primary needs for all of the countries though each had different proportion. Three of countries chose resident need as the first necessary for their life, they had almost a quarter. Meanwhile, for food, Japan saw the largest proportion by 1 percent bigger then accommodation. While UK at two in ten, and the rest countries stayed at below 15 percent. Canada took the largest proportion while Japan as the least.  
  
Look at the detail, health care and dress needs had the smallest proportion below one in ten. Even for Japan, both categories stand at under 5 percent. Meanwhile, the UK expenditure for keeping health facilities was only at 1 percent.  
  
*   
*Shares of expenditures for five major categories*
A comparison of people's spending in four different ...  
In this state you do not need comma and you should ensure what forms your data. Is that table, bar chart or pie chart. I think that your data this moment is bar chart do not table.  
  
As a general trend, most of expenditures in the UK ...  
vague sentence change with " generally, most of expenditures in the UK,US, and Canada were spent on accommodation" pay attention with punctuation and co location spent always followed by ON.  
  
Food, housing, and transportation became [...] largest proportion while Japan as the least.  
in this part you should breakdown more details including number and use varieties grammar such comparison.  
  
Look at the detail, health care and dress needs had the smallest proportion below one in ten. Even for Japan, both categories stand at under 5 percent. Meanwhile, the UK expenditure for keeping health facilities was only at 1 percent.
Driver is dangerous , with the people who do not concern or regardless about truly concentration.the car accident is leading of death cause , 75% of car accidents in people age 16 or 19 in The United States but,most of them have nothing to do with drug or alcohol.  
  
For example,when the speaker being accident of crasing car in the first time, even she stepped on the brake precisely at that time and finally, air bag deployed and fortunately, no one was hurt.  
  
The probem of car accident is , when they did not know of what they should want to do of imergency condition and what their most important to do or prioritizing to attend on the road and also to avoid on that accident, keeping going to enjoy the comfort trip but,occasionally they sense something wrong or it was too late after they realized it as In countless accident, many drivers say as like" l did not see it came''  
  
ted
Hi Syukron, I believe this is the first time I will review your essay and before I do, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, once again and I hope you will follow through with the suggested modifications.  
  
First stop, this essay summary is quiet confusing, the words that you associate to form your sentences didn't seem to add up, therefore, please find a few suggestions below;  
  
- ~~Driver is~~Driving can be dangerous ,  
- with ~~the~~ people who ~~do~~are not concern  
- or ~~regardless about truly concentration~~are not able to concentrate on the road while driving .  
- ~~the car~~Car accidents is the leading of death  
- cause ~~,~~at 75%  
- ~~of car accidents in people~~with an age group from 16 or 19 in  
- The United States but,most of them ~~have~~has nothing  
  
- ~~For example,when the~~The speaker  
- ~~being~~got into a car accident ~~of crasing car in~~for the first time,  
- ~~even~~with a quick and alert mind, she stepped  
- on the brake precisely at that time ~~and finally~~ ,the air  
- know ~~of~~ what ~~they should want~~ to do  
- ~~of imergency condition~~in an emergency situation and ~~what their most important to do or prioritizing~~ to  
- ~~attend~~attention on the road and also to avoid  
- ~~on that~~the accident,  
- sometimes they~~keeping going to~~ enjoy the  
- comfort of the trip  
- ~~but,occasionally~~that when they sense something  
- is wrong ~~or~~ it was too late  
- ~~after they realized it as In~~and this results to countless accident,as many drivers say ~~as like~~ " l did not see it ~~came~~coming ''  
  
**Prompt:** IELTS SUMMARY: ~~MONTH IS~~ IF CARS COULD TALK ,ACCIDENTS ~~MIGHT~~CAN BE AVOIDED~~BE AVOIDABLE~~  
  
There you have it Syukron, as you can see, there's quiet a lot of modification to be done and I hope you follow through with the enhancements and keep writing.
**The Line Chart : The Proportion of Elderly People Population in Three Countries**  
  
A breakdown of the information about the proportion of aging people population during 1940 to 2040 in three different developed countries is illustrated in the line chart. Overall, despite having an upward trend, the proportion of elderly Japanese will overtake the place of the highest one in the last period.  
  
According to the chart, in 1940, the percentage of elderly people in three countries showed a narrowed gap at around 5%. However in the next period, the proportion of aging people in Japan showed a decreased, while elderly people in USA and Sweden prevented a positive trend. Furthermore, between 1980 and 2000, the percentage of the old people in Sweden overtook the place of the highest one, while the proportion of aging people in USA decreased gradually during period. It was also followed by elderly Japanese which showed a positive trend.  
  
Initially, during 2000 to 2020, while aging people in Japan and USA showed increased rates, the proportion of elderly Sweden's experienced the opposite rates. Finally, in 2040, the percentage of the old people in Japan will overtake the place of the highest one and reaches a peak rate. It is also followed by the proportion of aging people in Sweden and USA which shows an increasing level and reaches its peak.  
  
*
Hi Muhamad, below are my suggestions to enhance your analysis.  
  
- A breakdown of the information ~~about~~on the  
- proportion of the aging ~~people~~ population during  
- countries ~~is~~as illustrated in the line chart.  
- the place of the highest ~~one~~population in the last period.  
  
- a narrow~~ed~~ gap at around 5%.  
- in Japan decreased~~showed a decreased~~ ,  
- while the elderly people in USA and  
- of ~~the~~ old people in Sweden  
- ~~overtook the place of the highest one~~has increased , - while the proportion of aging people in the USA decreased gradually during the period.  
  
There you have it Muhamad, I hope you follow through with the suggested corrections and for future writing reference, mind the links between the phrases that comprise your sentence.
**Adult youths are often called up for working for the development of communities. Do you think they should work voluntarily or should they get paid? Give your opinion**  
  
Nowadays, Having a job to develop a communities is usually a responsibility of youths who aged under of 25. Some people argue that they should work as a volunteer and others believe that they should get paid. I assume that they must get income when called up for working to do maximal job because they have more responsibility.  
  
Adult youths are the periods which have highest creativity, skills and loyalty. It is important to development of communities, so they are encouraged for doing that. Work voluntarily is usually do them because, they argue that why should get paid to communities, while their organization which teach them about other skills such as leadership, social life and so on. But it can make them do not have more responsibility, so they will work based on their self and when they do not have other activities. This situation does not good to improvement of communities, because they can come or go by themselves, whenever they want.  
  
On the other hand, getting money when working in a organization is good for people to make them more loyal. Without paid they will do anything and just come when they think do not have job. Based on the article in Toronto University, 60% of student have great job to improve their community when get income. They are more discipline than other who do not have paid and it makes their community increase rapidly.  
  
In conclusion, becoming volunteer are good for adult youth but they do not have more loyalty and discipline if compare with people who work with income, because they have biggest responsibility.(268w).