dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Anh, while your vocabulary is impressive, the fact that your paragraphs are not completely developed in terms of reasoning leaves the paragraph less informative than it should be. That is because you are only providing reasons without complete justifications through the use of explanatory sentences and examples to substantiate your claims. Therefore, the total essay can be deemed, less developed than it should be. This is further highlighted by your run-on sentence in the opening paraphrase which should have been presented as a 3 sentence paragraph instead. This is a direct response essay so the reasons and your opinion should have been indicated as part of the opening paraphrase.  
  
When you read the original prompt, note how many sentences it took to present the discussion, reason, and instructions, then make sure that you present the same number of sentences in your paraphrase to totally portray a clear idea of comprehension and sentence development abilities. I would have written this in the following manner:  
  
*With children developing less of a socialized form of playtime these days, it has been perceived that this action has had a connection with their overall development. One reason for this is because they can play online and interact with other players in the same way. I believe that this has negative influence on the children.*  
  
The paraphrase I wrote responds, per sentence to the following:  
  
1. Paraphrase of the topic sentence.  
2. A clear reason for the development based on the first direct question.  
3. A personal opinion in response to the second direct question.  
  
Those are the elements of the response that the examiner will immediately look for in your opening paraphrase. So these should be clearly presented in the paragraph paraphrase and connected response.  
  
The way the original prompt was written indicates a 4 paragraph response is required. Therefore, your response should contain only the following:  
  
1. Paraphrase  
2. Single reason with properly developed explanation over 3-5 sentences.  
3. Explanation as to why this is a bad/negative effect.  
4. Concluding summary comprised of the prompt restatement, reason, explanation, and closing sentence.  
  
In every task 2 essay, you should never focus on several discussion points in one paragraph. You are not scored on knowledge of the topic. You are scored only on your ability to make yourself understood as you explain your reasons for supporting a particular aspect of the discussion. In this instance, your essay tries to present several reasons with little developed explanation, which forced you to write run-on sentences, which will have a direct effect on the C&C and GRA scoring considerations of your essay. Mostly because of the lack of clarity behind the reasons in each paragraph.  
  
Based on those reasons, I believe that you can score a 5 - 5.5 due to lack of progression in the discussion and lack of idea development in every paragraph.
**Pollution of rivers, lakes and seas is a major concern for people who seek to protect the environment.  
  
What are the possible causes of water pollution, and what effects does this have on animal life and human society?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Writing  
  
## Water Pollution Worries

  
  
Water plays an indispensable role in our life. However, the contamination of underwater ground is extremely a concern for human being. This essay will cite out its primary causes and the consequences to human and animal life.  
  
To begin with, there are various components that make the water resources polluted. Firstly, sewage wastes are identified as the most serious issue to the water. As the rapid development of industry, especially after the Industrial Innovation in the 19th century, a plethora number of factories have been constructed. Despite the economic benefits and the solution of unemployment, the enviroment has been neglected by the governments, especially water matters, as the enterprises keep dumping the wastes directly to the river without processing. Secondly, the overuse of pesticides and fertilizers also aggravates the water enviroment. As a result, the toxic chemical substances absorb in the soils, and they can be readily washed out by rain, in which later flow into the streams and lakes.  
  
Water contamination has a disastrous impact on faunas and society. The dilemna leads to the habitat loss of underwater creatures. For instance, the Formosa incident occured in 2016 in the central of Vietnam. They illegally dumped the wastes into the sea, consequently, vast number of dead fish and shrimps floated in the sea, many local people were unemployed. In additon, the low quality of water can cause the shortage of water in the future, as the amount of fresh water accounts for 3% out of total water supply in the earth. If this problem keeps happening, it is estimated that by 2050, approximately 50% of global population will lack of clean water, which result in dehydration.  
  
In conclusion, water pollution is extremely a tremendous worry for people, because of its detrimental effects. Therefore, the federal authorities and individuals should take action immediately to tackle this problem, as well as to save the planet Earth.
Greetings, my friend,  
  
There are some details to which you should pay attention in your next essays:  
  
I - Introduction  
  
1. There is no idea of concession between the two first periods of your introduction, there is a logical conclusion instead. You should thus use some linking word like "thus" or "therefore".  
  
2. When writing an introduction, be sure to include details that answer the prompt of the essay ("What are the possible causes ...").  
  
II - Development  
  
1. You could've organized your paragraphs following the pattern "cause" - here, you may introduce the type of pollution about which you'll talk and state its causes - and consequence - here, you'll answer the question made in the essay's prompt -, rather than writing both separately. This would be better for the sake of cohesion.  
  
2. Review the grammar of the text, as there are some mistakes:  
  
"a plethora number" - "plethora" is already a noun and means "excess", so you should write "a plethora of factories";  
"... substances absorb in the soils" - you should've used the passive voice here, being "substances are absorbed by the soils" (I suppose you misspelled the verb as well) correct;  
  
"... consequently, vast number of dead fish and shrimps ..." - you should've written "and, consequently, **a** vast number", as "and" would link the two sentences.  
  
3. Try to write bigger and more complex phrases, as this shows a bigger knowledge of the language.  
  
III - Conclusion  
  
1. Try writing a bigger conclusion. It should contain a summary of your text ("a tremendous problem" seems too vague) and, as you said that saving the environment is a duty for both authorities and individuals, ways of reducing the pollution.  
  
Well, I hope that my tips may help you to write your next essay.  
Best regards,  
Arthur.
@Cabradasbrisa  
Well thank you for taking your times to correct my essay specifically. I agree with most of your statements, except this one:  
II/1 *You could've organized your paragraphs ...*  
  
Because I think it's better to separate both prompt, as it is easier for me to organise the ideas, also it avoids the "too long, didnt read", as it is kind of jumbled if I merge my body. Beside, the question asks me to write water pollution topic exclusively, not to write a list of contaminations.  
  
Hoang.
Hey, answer for answer here :) Although you complimented on my writing style, i think yours is also pretty decent! Here are some of my suggestions:  
  
- the contamination of ~~underwater ground~~ water in many lakes, rivers or even the ocean (the question states lakes, rivers and seas so not underground water)  
  
- is extremely a concern for human being  
This sounds weird...Maybe you tried to reverse the place of sentence components to give it some favour but failed... Maybe you can write "is extremely concerning for human beings"  
  
- as the most serious issue to the water  
"issue" is a problem. Your paraphrasing of "cause" is incorrect here; try replacing that with "pollutant"  
  
- As the rapid development of industry, especially after the Industrial Innovation in the 19th century  
Try replacing "As" with "Due to" or "Alongside"; "As" is grammatically incorrect, i think  
  
- ... neglected by  ~~the~~  governments  
You're not mentioning specific governments and you haven't talked about them before  
  
- As a result, the toxic chemical ...  
It is not a consequence of what you said in the previous sentence. Maybe replace that with "This is because the toxic chemicals, when they are absorbed by the soil, can be readily washed out by rain and later flow into streams and lakes."  
  
Try inserting "and" or a phrase that denotes the relationship between 'vast number of dead fish and shrimps floated in the sea" and "many local people were unemployed"  
  
-... population will lack ~~of~~ clean water  
  
- ... worry for people, because of its ...  
The same structure as above. I still think this sounds unnatural. Also remove that unnecessary comma.  
  
Overall, your essay is of excellent quality, despite some errors i mentioned above. You displayed an extensive vocabulary, as well as relevant information and statistics. Note that the examiner is not likely to confirm that your example is proved or not, so making up statistics might not be penalised, unless they are so weird. Maybe you did some research prior to or while writing this, but you can not do any researches in the real test.
**Question:** *It is now possible for scientists and tourists to travel to remote natural environment, such as the South Pole.  
What are advantages and disadvantages of this development?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
## exploring isolated areas on Earth

  
  
**Essay:** It is our natural instinct that urges each and every one of us to go out and explore this intricate, yet beautiful planet. Alongside the rise of technological developments, travelling to some of the most isolated areas on Earth - namely the South Pole - has become a reality, for both scientists and many dedicated tourists. But similar to any previous cultivations, this development ought to hold many benefits and drawbacks of its own, which will be thoroughly discussed in this essay.  
  
The first and foremost advantage of this development is the fact that many researchers can travel to remote areas and gain valueable data and artefacts. Therefore, they will directly contribute to mankind's previously limited knowledge of these areas. For instance, foreign scientists once vist the South coast of Vietnam to examine a deep and dangerous cave, in which they conducted many careful measurements. Another benefit of the aforementioned reality is the boost in economy for countries in occupation of these remote lands. Some of these countries are considered toddlers in the business of tourism, so this development will greatly stimulate many services for tourists, thereby improving the economy.  
  
However, owing to the isolated locations of these natural areas, sometimes it can be incredibly gruesome and tiring to resolve any possible problems. For example, when a group of tourists or researchers get lost in a snow-capped mountain, the rescuers can have very limited view or navigation due to snow storms and very strong winds. Furthermore, conducting researches or erecting tourism departments means disturbing the natural habitats of many animals in these areas. An exemplifier is the polar bear, whose habitat has been penetrated recently. Many of today's species are on the verge of extinction, and this development can help to put them in indefinite rest.  
  
In conclusion, it is undoubted that having groups of scientists or crowds of tourist pouring into an isolated natural environment has become a reality in the modern age. While this cultivation has its own stunning merits, there are also some disadvantages that require some considerations.  
  
*I know this essay is extremely long, but i thought it's acceptable on its own; i know i should limit my writing in the real test. I wrote this within the time allotment, so i had time to proofread, but i decided not to drop off any parts. Anyway, please give me feedback on this and a suggested band score, if possible.*
Hi hphuc123, it is a big challenge for me to read through your essay, my english is bad so forgive me if your find I ask silly question...  
  
... and gain valueable data and artefacts  
Is there any correlation between acquiring valuable data and artefacts from the remote area and (direct) contribute to knowledge of that area? Do you mean whatever they gain/retrieve will be analysed / researched hence the workout will benefit to the public? I'm sorry I'm not good in imagination and I'm not sure imagination/wild guessing is required for reading an essay...  
  
foreign scientists once vist the South coast of Vietnam to examine a deep and dangerous cave...  
And then what? World peace after the measurements? Or that "will directly contribute to mankind's previously limited knowledge of these areas."  
  
... the rescuers can have very limited view or navigation ...  
I'm sorry but I guess you would like to tell the reader that the rescuers facing "incredibly gruesome and tiring to resolve any possible problems."  
  
People say the aim of language is to communicate, I really wish I would have enough ability to communicate with you or understand your essay in one day...
Hello fellow person. I've looked your essay and I'd like to say your writing is really charming and fascinating to read. Precise choices of vocabulary (gruesome, aforementioned, stimulate, thereby, and so on). I also appreciate the grammar structure you have used in the writing (on the verge of).  
  
Basically you do not make any serious mistakes. I am just gonna cite out your minor ones:  
*"An exemplifier is the polar bear"*. Exemplifier is not a word. Do you mean **"Polar bear is exemplified to the aforestatement"**  
*"... are considered toddlers"*. I think the correction should be **"considered to be"**  
If you have times, please check out my latest writing and analyse about it. My writing skills are not as decent as yours. I wish I could acquire your style. .
@smally01  
I'm not sure if you're being somewhat sarcastic, but thanks for the help though :)  
The data and artefacts collected will give scientists (and then the general public) about those areas because we used to have limited knowledge of them due to many inadequate technologies. This is indicated in the next sentence.  
  
"foreign scientists once vist the South coast of Vietnam to examine a deep and dangerous cave..."  
this is just an example of researchers coming to remote regions and "gain valuable data", and yes that information will add to mankind's knowledge of that particular cave :)  
  
And about the rescuers, you are right! That's my example for a situation that "it can be incredibly gruesome and tiring..."  
  
@sillyman2000  
Thanks for helping! About the toddlers thing, i think that is a reduced clause of your correction so i think both of us are correct :)
## Challenges of an ageing population

  
  
**In the developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society? Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing populations.**  
  
Owing to the rapid advancement of technology in the the modern world, the average length of life for people is growing at a fast pace. Although the increase in elderly people causes a negative long-term impact on both individuals and society, some steps can be taken to tackle these problems.  
  
Ageing populations around the world have led to disastrous consequences. Rising life expectancy might not be beneficial for old people, as longevity is usually accompanied by deteriorating health and illnesses. Old age is not desirable for not only the elderly but also working adults who have to work more to provide food and medical treatments for the elderly dependents. Moreover, ageing populations result in a fall in productivity in industry and economic downturn, because of the lack of young workforce which is full of economically active people. It will also pose some problems to the government such as the inability to provide enough health care and welfare to meet the needs of pensioners.  
  
There are various suggested methods to deal with these issues. The first method would be raising the retirement age, so that healthy elderly people can enter the workforce. Secondly, raising income tax to pay for pensions and health care might be an effective solution, despite some oppositions form working-age adults. Finally, to have more productive young workers, the government should attract economically active migrants from developing countries and encourage families to have more children.  
  
In conclusion, society and individuals should cooperate to mitigate the problems from constantly growing numbers of elderly people worldwide.
Moon, your response is good but partially in error. Technology is not the reason that old people are living longer these days. It is medical science advancements that helps people to conquer illnesses that in turn, help them to lead longer and more productive lives. Technology refers to gadgets and other electronic or mechanical advancements. These do not help to prolong life. Medical science is the branch of science that does that.  
  
Your reasoning paragraphs are not developed in terms of content. That is because you lost sight of what the objective of the task 2 essay is about. The Task 2 essay is all about your ability to discuss a single topic based on several supporting reasons in a clear manner using the English language. All you did in this essay is present discussion topics without a clear explanation nor supporting data to strengthen your topic presentations. Therefore, your paragraphs will be scored on the "under-developed discussion" side. The general rule is one topic sentence per paragraph with supporting explanations for the remaining 4 sentences. It is not 5 topic sentences alone. If you have topic sentences but cannot clearly and convincingly explain it, then the topic sentence doesn't serve a purpose.  
  
For this essay, I think the proper approach would have been:  
1. Paraphrase  
2. Reason  
3. Solution  
4. Concluding summary  
  
A 4 paragraph essay would have been sufficient to represent a completely developed and clear English discussion based on the given prompt instructions.
## spending money in railroad and public transportation

  
  
**Question  
a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
People have different views about budget spent on building new fastest train railroad for cities transportation. Meanwhile others arguing that infrastructure for public transport should be the main priority as it is used vastly by residents in the city life, but I do believe that constructing quick trains are the best choice to deal with traffic congestion because of the special route they have.  
  
Transportation has already human's necessity, so that it is needed good quality of facility especially in public transportation. This type of transport is very popular in regular day and is used by people to travel in many places such as school, market, company, etc. In order to provide improvements, government should keep the existence of these facilities with allocating adequate fund every period for repairing possible damage by plenty of users.  
  
However, travelling by train offers many advantageous impacts in our life. The availability of sufficient railroads can address traffic jam which is the crucial problem faced by many countries. The reason for that is the train has particular route in order to let the passengers depart and arrive on time. Also, it can reduce the flooded of vehicle because people is given effective trip by its fast speed and reasonable price which is very useful for long-distance travelling. Therefore, I think it is better if the authority spends large amount of money to construct new lines of railway between cites.  
  
In conclusion, I firmly think that most money should be allocated to build new railway lines rather than renovation public transport as train provides numerous advantages one of them is tackling traffic congestion.  
  
words = 268
HI Indri!  
i have a few suggestions for your essay.  
  
1. this sentence should be Transportation has already **been** human's necessity. (Passive voice of present perfect)  
2. So that it is needed good quality ... **should be** *a good quality is needed especially for public transportation.*  
3. should be possible damage **caused**by plenty of users.  
4. This type of transport is ... **this type of transportation**  
5. Bear in mind that this is discuss both opinion essay, therefore you need to present why others think that allocating budget for highway is important rather than railways because i haven't seen any explanation related to that. Conversely, in agree-disagree essay we just need to present our reason why we agree/disagree in both body paragraph.
*## The government should spend money on railways rather than roads.

  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
A growing number of people say that the government ought to prioritize railways as the primary sector to receive funds rather than highway. I completely agree with this statement due to its efficiency in time and environmental reason.  
  
Investing in a modern railways system mean that allowing people to travel in greater dinstances in a shorter amount of time. Because the passanger do not have to deal with the traffic congestion which is mostly faced by the highway users. Thus, people will spend less time commuting and more time in doing something more productive. For instance, the local government of South Sulawesi province in Indonesia has begun to construct a railway for trains to connect its capital city (Makassar City) and Parepare city. As a result, the existence of the future trains will diminish commuting time by half and enable thousands of citizens in Parepare to work in the capital city of South Sulawesi province.  
  
Regarding to the environment effect, the trains tend to be less harmful than road vehicles. This is due to the fact that its wide capacity can carry hundreds of passangers and this obviously will prevent the use of road transportation which is widely known as the most carbon dioxide contributors on earth. Hence, once it is happened, the CO2 emissions will automatically be reduced. In other words, this will slower the global warming impact to our environment. For instance, the British government has now used high speed trains to connect one city to another. As a result, approximately hundreds of tonnes of carbon dioxide has been diminished.  
  
To conclude, the policy maker in this case is the government should invest more public budget on railways systems and less on the highways as this will create a time-efficient and environmentally friendly mode of transportation system.  
  
(299 words)