dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.  
Write at least 150 words.**  
  
## Were Australians physical active in 2010?

  
  
The bar chart present the proportion of Australian in different sex and age group who are doing physical activity regularly in 2010.  
  
Overall, the bar chart illustrate the female in Australia are more likely to do physical activity than the male, which the average proportion of male is 45% while the female is 50%.  
  
In terms of male, the proportion of age between 15 and 24 are broke through 50% to 52.8%. It is the only age group of male that can higher than the female, also is the highest proportion compare with all male's age group. On the contrary, the age between 35 to 44 is the only group that less than 40% of male doing physical activity regularly, account 39.5%, also it is the lowest group between all male' age group.  
  
In terms of female, the age between 45 to 54 account 53.3%, 0.3% and 0.8% slightly higher than the age between 55 to 64 and 35 to 44, respectively, to be the top between all female's age group. On the contrary, the age between 65 and over have the lowest proportion, account 47.1%.  
  
In term of difference between male and female, there are two age group make a difference higher than 10%, which the others can not, which is age between 35 to 44 and 45 to 54. Only have a disparity of 0.4% make the group of 65 and over become the littlest difference between all age group.  
  
I have a question :  
Do i need to use all data or not ? (I think it will make my article much long and pointless if i use all data)  
  
Please give me an advice for improve, Thank you.  
  
*
@Akairoi0213  
  
Hi, I'd like to pick out some grammatical and vocabulary mistakes for you:  
  
The bar chart present**s** the proportion ...  
Overall, the bar chart illustrate**s** ...  
the age between 45 to 54 account **for** 53.3%, ...  
... two age group**s that** make a ...  
... become the l~~ittlest~~ **least** difference ...
Aka, to get your question out of the way, let me respond by telling you that you need to use all of the main information presented in the essay. Minor information, such as similar or comparative data between the sexes in terms of percentages, may also be presented in a summarized form if time permits.  
  
Your opening statement was good but could have been better if it accurately represented the overview of information to be presented such as the genders, age groups, and measurement information (percentage). As it is, the summary overview is insufficient in presentation and does not accurately outline the upcoming discussion.  
  
The discussion in and of itself is useful but inconsistent when it comes to paragraph requirements. Always write at least 3 sentences in order to gain higher consideration for the C&C section. Avoid run-on sentences in your future writing because that sort of grammatical error will needlessly lower your GRA score. Learn to present complete information in full sentences instead of using commas to separate your information. A full stop is better than a pause in any essay presentation as it allows the reader time to analyze and understand the given text.
*I'm new in IELTS writing so my essay may be not good. Therefore, I really need your bits of help or advance.*  
**Topic: Some employers reward members of staff for their exceptional contributions to the company by giving them extra money. This practice can act as an incentive for some but may also have a negative impact on others.  
  
To what extent is this style of management is effective?  
Are there better ways of encouraging employees to work hard?**  
  
## rewarding policy for workers

  
  
I am in agreement with this statement that it is a good idea for employers to give rewards to their employees as theirs exceptional contributions. Nevertheless, this style of management may have a negative impact on workers. And there are still other ways to motivate employees to work productively and efficiently.  
  
First of all, this rewarding policy is effective. I totally approve of that the employees devoting their health and enthusiasm to the firms deserve an extra money. On account of the bonus money able to make great differences in their life, they will feel so grateful to the bosses and that their contributions they have made are meaningful. Hence, they will try their best in working responsibly and effectively. In other words, just a small amount of money given is a great motivation for the employees. And because the workers received bonus money will make greater efforts, the bosses taking advantage of this style of management is understandable.  
  
Secondly, in spite the fact that the rewarding policy motivating the employees is effective, this practice is sometimes counter-effective. On the one hand, some staffs who are just interested in bonus money more than having a connection with work are willing to leave the company when it gets financial problems. On the other, some workers not given extra money because of failing to finish their work as scheduled as a result of illness or not sufficient for attempt may feel discouraged from work. Besides, giving bonus money to only several employees can lead to the jealousy among colleagues.  
  
Instead of, there are other ways to make employees feel motivated in work. In addition to the rewarding policy, I recommend that the employers should give public recognition to their employees by means of having a party with the view to praising them for their contributions or giving them some awards such as "The best employee", etc...Because of their contributions winning the bosses' recognition, they feel respected and make greater efforts.  
  
In conclusion, the rewarding policy has many pros and cons. However, if the bosses take advantage of this policy properly, it will stimulate the workers to work more successfully.  
  
*That's all, I really your feedbacks. Thanks a lot in advance.*
Anh, are you reviewing for the IELTS by yourself? If you are, you will do well to read the other completed essays at this forum and learn from the advice given to them. It should help you to improve your writing skills and also, help you avoid the common problem areas that most IELTS test takers have in common. From reading your current work, I can tell that you have the potential to be prepared for this test on time. You just need to practice more. Here is my review for your essay.  
  
The format of the opening paragraph was not followed in your essay. There is a specific set of sentences that need to be set up in a particular order in order to better impress the examiner with your English comprehension skills. That format of presentation would be:  
  
1. The topic for discussion;  
2. The points of view regarding the discussion;  
3. The discussion type (compare and contrast, personal opinion, agreement, etc.)  
4. Presentation of your thesis statement.  
  
So, a more appropriate representation of your essay opening salvo would have been:  
  
*Employers show a tendency towards giving financial rewards to exceptional employees of the firm. While this is seen as an incentive by some workers, others believe that financial rewards have a negative impact on the work force in some instances. While I do agree that this management style is effective to a certain extent, there are still other, better ways of encouraging employees to become exceptional members of the company. In this essay, I will discuss the extent of the effectiveness of the financial reward management style along with other possible methods of encouraging employee's to work hard.*  
  
The opening paragraph needs to accurately represent the original prompt requirements from a fresh perspective. In fact, the that paraphrased statement is the most important part of the essay that you can write because it shows off your English comprehension and writing levels in a method that will impress the reviewer. If you cannot write well in the other sections of the essay, then do well in the first paragraph. A high rating in that section can almost always, help to boost the low scores you might get in the other sections for scoring.  
  
Practice developing only one line of discussion per paragraph. Right now, you are telling the examiner that you have a lot of ideas regarding the topic given, but you are not capable of fully explaining your reasons. Explaining one reason clearly to the reviewer is more effective than making him guess as to why you are presenting reasons without ample explanations.  
  
You must also avoid single sentence conclusions that only add more information to the discussion instead of closing the discussion. Remember, the C&C portion grades you more on the number of interconnected and clearly explained sentences in a paragraph rather than a one summation sentence to close an essay. In this instance, your essay is not closed because your single line at the end does not represent a complete paragraph and it also presents 3 more topics for additional discussion.
prompt:  
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Because modern life is very complex, it is essential for young people to have the ability to plan and organize.  
  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
## the ability of planing to deal with complex problems today

  
  
The modern life is much different with before. Some people even consider a more precise claim that our life is more complex. From my perspective, I agree with this statement. Furthermore, I consent to that the ability to plan and organize is crucial for young individual.  
  
The problems occurring get more complex now, so ability to plan and organize is crucial for young people. That is to say when the tasks for young people involve much more skills or knowledges, a good plan assists people in solving problems more efficiently. For example, for students who are doing research, they need a rational plan to decompose a huge project to several small problems, to help them proceed in order, as well as to organize the collected information. Therefore, a good plan is really important for young people to figure out problems in time.  
  
In addition, we young people need capability of planing to deal with more complex identities. Now we have more identities than people living in the past. One research down by social and humanity department of Peking University shows that more than 20.4% young people have two or more former jobs, meanwhile in the rest more than 60% have former job with part-time job. Each job gives every single person different identity and responsibility. Just image what would happen if one individual fail to plan events well. That fail to complete works is often occurred. In comparison, planing events advanced can alert people to do their jobs on time and get rid of disorder. So in term of such case, plans are significant for young people.  
  
Last but not least, the relationship among people also get more implicated, without plan and organization they are tent to get overwhelming in social network. Participating in diverse social activities, we young people contact with more and more people, our connections with others get complex. Organization enables us to feel clear with each kind of relationship and get along well with others.  
  
To warp up, young people require the ability of planing to deal with complex problems, identities as well as relationship with others.
Luo, let's start with the basic problem in your essay, the opening statement. It doesn't accurately deliver the required parameters. It is supposed to be an original restatement of the given prompt requirement. That is not what you did here. You immediately launched into a discussion of your opinion on the matter when that is the opposite of what is required. Here is a sample of a proper representation of the first paragraph for your essay, presenting all of the required elements that the examiner will look for:  
  
We live in a highly modern society that represents a complex life. As such, it has become highly important for young adults to develop the ability to plan and organize their daily lives. The discussion in this essay will represent the reasons and offer examples as to why I agree with the previously stated point of view.  
  
As with any opening statement, it is important to present an original paraphrase that clearly borrows keywords from the original prompt. That is because the use of the keywords helps the examiner get an idea regarding the degree of your English comprehension and vocabulary skills. If you know how to use the keywords properly in a sentence, you are sure to get higher marking considerations. All the more if you are able to properly restate the instructions for the discussion as exemplified above.  
  
If you used the internet to research the specific figures and sources of information in this essay, I need to stop you from further doing that in the future. You only have a limited amount of time to write this essay in the exam center. The computers will be locked out from accessing the internet. You won't have the luxury of developing your discussion based upon research. So learn to use personal experience and examples as much as possible when offering explanations and examples to defend your stance. Getting used to doing research to create a perfect practice essay will be a disservice to you in the actual test because, if you are presented with an unfamiliar topic to discuss, you will not know how to adjust in order to write a response without the aid of internet research. Stick to only popular knowledge and personal experience. That is the surefire way to get a pretty good score even if you are not too familiar with the topic presented.  
  
When you use English terms, just because it sounds right does not mean it is the right word to use. In the end, you said "to warp up", the correct term is "to wrap up". Warp means to distort while wrap means to close. If you are not sure of the term you will be using, try to find an alternative term instead. It is better to use a simple but correct term instead of a complex but wrong term in a sentence.
@Holt  
Happy to see you again, I say this because after the first you read my article titled as "an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process", you had gave me some useful suggestion, so later I wrote another article about the same topic. And I informed you with that, might be you are too busy to look over that essay. So If it won't bother you could you help me with that article? I will paste the link in the last of this reply.  
  
Now, I want to ask more questions about this article, or more precisely about TOEFL independent essay. I have read many your replies or suggestions for others, and you always emphasize the first paragraph that we should repeat the original prompt, I agree with you. So I play careful attention to this essay, and use the words "complex life", "ability to plan and organize", also show my opinion, why don't you think I still fail to do well in the first paragraph? Hope that you won't fell I was so self-confidence to say that, I just want more recommendations to adjust myself style.  
  
The second question is that do you want to say the uncommon research data exposes myself to the risk of forging data? So the examiner will suspect my essay's accuracy?  
  
Comes my third question, if I use too much myself experiences, will it make my essay lack persuasion? Or besides individual's experiences, are there other methods I can use to make my article more logical?  
  
Finally, thanks for your reading and reply.
**prompt: The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing.  
What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society?  
How can this problem be solved?**  
  
## changing bad habits may save your life

  
  
Scientific findings have clearly indicated that overweight or obesity leading to a lot of serious health problems. There are a number of reasons causing this problem and each problem needs to be dealt in a particular way.  
  
It can be seen that the main factor of overweight is lack of exercises. Nowaday people spend too much time on working from early morning to late night and free time with friends. In addition, the increase of fast foods, junk foods and soft drink which are unhealthy foods. The busy life makes people can not cook then they use fast food to save time. However, some studies demonstrated the effect of poor sleep to overweight. Because hormones that are released during sleep control appetite and the body's use. Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on.  
  
It is important that action is taken to combat these problems. Firstly, the government has a duty to take necessary step to over come at every stages. Secondly, eating fast food as least as possible and cooking healthy diets for the family especially children. Finally, doing exercises every day to keep healthy.  
  
In conclusion, overweight and obesity are the risk problems in recent decades. However, it can be death with changing bad habits.
@DinaDinh  
hello,  
  
In the intro paragraph, I think there is no opening sentence (which is more generalized), rather there are only tow sentences (they should be bridging sentence and thesis statement)  
  
In the first paragraph, I think topic sentence is disappeared, and I am afraid that the last line of the first para *"Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on."* would not appropriate because the question didn't ask about consequences of overweight.  
  
In the second paragraph, the supporting sentences should be expanded with relevant examples. In addition, you mentioned that sleep deprivation is one of the causes of obesity, so, the solution about it should be described in the second para.  
  
- Some grammatical mistakes are detected.
## "Two minds are better than one".

  
How often we hear about such word like these. Definitely, the wisdom implicated in this saying can be applied to the strategy of an effective leader. I believe that, for leaders, considering others' opinions always end with exceptional results.  
  
Referring to others' opinions always results in wise decisions. In general, a big company always sets a board of directors leaded by a head. Before the company make a decision, all the members hold a conference, and during the meeting everyone votes or gives their own suggestion. The purpose of such conference is to make a wise decision finally. Without doubt, the decision proposed by one individual is characterized with personal preference and is hardly accepted by majority. On the contrast, one decision, which has been tested by others or improved according to others' opinions, is likely fond by many of people. In a word, the decision condensing some people's wisdom is better than that from only one person.  
  
Seeing from the eyesight of team members, it will increase their contributions if they can be one of the decision makers. Everyone has the tendency to gain others' appreciation. When the leader will consider other's opinion, if a decision made by one team member is thought highly by others, that member will easily feel a sense of achievement. Therefore, in their future work, more delicate designs or more high-level advices will be produced. However, in a team, where all the decisions are made by leader, what other else will do is just waiting the assignments and complete it on time. All of those good ideas or suggestions reflected on minds will be buried in heart because of the impossibility of being considered. So with different leaders, members in the former group will make more contributions, in turn, the whole team can develop better.  
  
Finally, allowing others take part in making decisions, create a humorous phenomenon. Decisions only made by leader, result in missing the communication among team members, because the only character should be talked with is the leader. If others can take part in decision making process, communication among team members will often occur. Communication creates a time for people to be familiar with others, at the meantime, also a chance to study from each other. As a consequence, each one are tend to consider others, the whole phenomenon is so harmonious  
  
that everyone would like to work in.  
  
In general, making others part of the decision making process is a good choice.  
  
*Hei, friends, I think my article is kind of too vague, that is to say I fail to use some details to proof my point, do you think so? If you have some good examples to match my points, please give me your advise. I really appreciate your help, thank you.*
@Roman123  
Hello, my compatriot. Here's my advice for you.  
  
First and foremost, **you should have included the prompts, or more plainly, all information the test question includes**. Without prompts, none can access your essay appropriately. There are obliging and authorative contributors here. They will with alacrity click into your thread and provide your detail recommendations. However, they are allowed to review each essay only once, which means if it's up to them to inform you of prompts-missing, you will lose the precious oppotunity to obtail effective help.  
  
As to vagueness, I assume the reason is that you failed to work out an outline. E.G.  
  
**Opinion:** I think an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process.  
  
**Central arguments**1: it can strengthen cooperation.  
  
**Proof and details to support the argument:**  
1.to exchange of ideas  
2.to consider others' opinion  
3.to work out the decision collectively  
...  
  
If you had fully developed such a outline, your essay would have been by no means 'vague' but 'logically coherent".
Good introduction, but as the former reviewer points out I am not sure if you promptly think about this maxim in the testing place.  
  
Blurred supporting messages. You want to say it is effective to make others participate in the decision making. Because it results in a wise decision and it is also helpful to consider diverse opinions. I think that the level of both two supporting message is conflicting. Rather than different reasons, former supporting rely on second supporting message.  
  
This is what you want to say.  
'This is good because it will result in a wise decision. Why? we can take account for various points of views. '  
  
Since you basically rely on one coherent logic, you don't need to separate two paragraph. Instead, you can put another reason why you support this. You can say it motivates all members to take responsibility and then result in good outcome.