dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The table shows secondary school attendance during period of 2000 to 2009. Generally, the trend reveals gradual descent of attendance in Specialist Schools, Grammar Schools, and Voluntary-controlled Schools. Meanwhile, in Community Schools the tendency of attendance has risen from 2000 to 2009.  
  
Specialist Schools experience 2% of descent from 2000 to 2009. This is suggested that there is a decline about 0,2% related with attendance every year. Moving over to Grammar Schools, from 2000 to 2005 the change was lower than the period of 2005-2009; those are 5% and 7%.  
  
Moreover, in keeping with Voluntary-controlled Schools, the alteration over 2000 to 2005 and 2005-2009 gradually increased 14% and 18%. One interesting fact, that in Community Schools, the progress was different with increased preference number concerned with secondary school attendance. From 2000 to 2005, the increase is 20% and from 2005-2009 is 26% which on average, there is 5,1% of increase in secondary school attendance annually.  
  
*
It is widely seen that after leaving a school youngsters prefer staying with their friends instead of living with their parents in many nations across the globe. In my opinion, i disagree with this trend and think that this is a negative phenomenon. This essay will discuss how this practice is unwelcomed to social structure.  
  
To embark upon, in some countries especially in india this practice of leaving their parents alone is not accepted socially as families are backbones of society where families are entirely seen as members including grandparents, parents, children and adults. For example, those communities and societies are stong enough which consists of complete families as compared to youngsters living alone or with their peers because they are not socially responsible and unable to be part of society Therefore, in order to strengthen the social set up, we must encourage ourselves to build a complete family structure.  
  
In addition to this, juveniles are not ready to take dicisions at this age because they are young blood; sometimes they take wrong dicisions; they need a proper guidance which can only be given by their parents. Eventually living alone and struggeling with their failures; they are likely to become victims of drug abuse and destroy their future. For example, in my lacality there are some adults who are living alone; are misguided and victims of drug addiction; their carees is totally destroyed.  
  
This example speaks the volume that youngsters should stay with their parents under proper supervision untill they reach at the level of maturity.  
However, in many countries young people live alone away from their parents. This based on the fact that they want to become independent financially and do not want any interference from others in their life. For example, in America and Canada children, after reaching at the age of 18, get separated from thrier parents and live aloof in order to become independent. This example tells us that children should live alone after attaining the age of 18.  
  
In conclusion, although in foreign
... some countries especially in ~~india~~ this practice of leaving ...  
  
... dicisions at this age ~~because they are young blood~~ ; sometimes they take wrong ~~dicisions~~ ; they need a proper ...  
Eventually living alone and ~~struggeling~~ with their failures; (...) abuse and **can** destroy their future. For example, in my l~~acality~~ there are some adults who are ~~living alone~~*no supporting sentence to prove if living alone can cause someone to be a victim of drug addiction*; are misguided and (...); their ~~carees~~ is totally destroyed.  
  
... under proper supervision ~~untill~~ they reach at the ...  
  
-lacks supporting sentence to every argument being presented.  
  
-cyclical main idea from start to finish  
  
-dig more substance to present an convincing argument
The table provides the information on consumer spending on different items in several countries in 2002. Overall, there are five countries: Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey. It can be seen that most of the money in five countries spent on food, drinks and tobacco, otherwise, Leisure/ education are the least and clothing/ footwear at the second place.  
  
In 2002, Turkey has a significant proportion of Food, drinks, tobacco consumer spending than the other countries at 32,14 percent. Ireland was at the second place at 28,91 percent, followed by Spain at less than a fifth. Besides, Sweden has the smallest number at 15,77 percent. The middle column describes consumer spending of clothing/ footwear, where Italy was at the first position at 9 percent, followed by Turkey, Spain, and Ireland in a lower position. The smallest number has owned by Sweden at just over than 5 percent.  
  
Interestingly, the percentage shows that Leisure/ education spending has the smallest number compared the others. In this case, Turkey also at the first position at 4,35 percent consumption. Spain has the fewest number at 1,98 percent. Second, third and fourth position respectively occupied by Sweden, Italy, and Ireland.  
  
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Hi Fauzi..  
i found some mistakes on your writing. Lemme explain.  
  
The table provides ~~the~~ information ~~on~~ about consumer spending ~~on~~ different items in ...  
Don't use article for general  
... in five countries spent on food, drink~~s~~ and tobacco, otherwise,(...) least and ~~clothing/ footwear at the second place~~ . followed by clothing and footwear  
... proportion of Food, drink~~s~~ , tobacco consumer spending than ...  
parallel : food (U) drink (U) tobacco (U)  
  
- too much repetitions on your sentence.  
  
Keep practice
HI  
  
*Fuziahtami*  
I had read your writing task 1 carefully,,,  
however this essay is quite difficult to understand and tend to make me confuse,,  
  
~~Overall,~~ there are five countries,(...): ~~Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey~~ .  
... most of the money IS ~~in five countries~~ spent on food, (...), Leisure/ education ~~are~~ WERE the least ~~and clothing/ footwear at the second place.~~*( JUST MENTION THE GREATEST AND THE LOWEST PROPORTION.*  
  
In 2002, Turkey ~~has~~ SAW a significant proportion of ...  
Besides, Sweden ~~has~~ WITNESSED the smallest number ...  
The smallest number ~~has~~ SHOWED ~~owned~~ by Sweden at just ...  
  
... has the smallest number compared TO the others. In this case, Turkey also at the first position at ... ( THERE IS NO VERB IN THIS SENTENCE). Spain ~~has~~ HAD the fewest number ...  
  
**after reading you confusing writing , I can give you some advice which is important to take into account**  
  
*1. in introduction, paraphrase the question and give overview by mentioning the greatest and the lowest quantity.  
2. in body, attempt to group the similar pattern of information  
3 avoid listing and attempt to make comparison  
e,g : while turkey saw the greatest proportion, Sweden experienced the lowest,,,> this sentence compare the highest and the lowest percentage.  
4. use appropriate collocation  
e.g : compare + to  
different + from or then  
5. pay attention on grammatical accuracy,  
E.g writing above have to use past tense or past perfect tense while you utilize present tense  
6. pay attention on your sentence  
every sentence have to consist of 1 verb  
while in your writing I discover some sentence do not have VERB  
e.g: **Turkey also at the first position at 4,35 percent consumption***  
*7. use language of change*
Camille A. Brown, a choreographer, educator and performances talked for TED about dance, she represents the people who love to dance. Most of people think that dance is a physical activities which required to move the body which is mostly accompanies with musical instrumental such as guitar, drum or others. But the real meaning of dance is not only to have fun or move the legs and arms, for the dancers, especially African-American dancers, dance is a language, a way to show their freedom, express themselves, and move their bodies. In this occasion, Brown was focusing on social dance, she explained that social dance is an expression which emerges from a community that requires everyone to move. Each dance has steps that everyone can agree on, but it is not only about moving the body it is also about the creative identity. Some examples of social dances are twist, cakewalk, lindy hop, bee's knees and so on. People make a group and connection by shuffling, moving legs, paddling hands and slapping ties. Dance is performed to state the existence, to heal the soul, to free the body, to keep the cultural alive and to speak in a common language.
Hello  
You have a good summary  
I have some corrections  
  
Camille A. Brown, **has a job as**a choreographer, educator ...  
... required to move the body**. Next,**~~which is~~ mostly accompanies with musical instrumental ~~such as~~ which are guitar, ...  
~~But~~ However, the real meaning (...) legs and arms~~,~~**. It can be** for the dancers, especially (...), dance is a language, **also**a way to show their freedom, ...  
  
... about moving the body**.****I**t is also about the creative identity. ~~Some examples~~ For instance, ~~of~~ social dances are (...)bee's knees and ~~so on~~ . People**s** make a group and connection ...  
  
You can added introduction in first sentence.  
There are repeated words, you can change with similar words.
.., educator and ~~performances~~ PERFORMER [comma] talked for TED about dance, [no comma here]~~she~~ TO represent~~s~~ the people who love to dance. Most of people think that dance is a physical ~~activities~~ ACTIVITY ~~which required to move the body~~ REQUIRED THE BODY MOVEMENT which is mostly ~~accompanies~~ ACCOMPANIED with musical instrumental ...  
  
~~But~~ HOWEVER [*avoid using 'but' to start a sentence]* the real meaning of (...) fun or TO move the legs and ...  
In this occasion, Brown ~~was~~ focusED on social dance, ...  
... social dances are twist, cakewalk, lindy hop, bee's knee s [CAPITALIZATION] and so on. People make a group and ...  
  
**overall, you still need to be concerned on several minor issues that probably ruin you writing like, word form chosen, punctuation, capitalization, and repetition. good luck**
**September 30 Black Moon Explained**  
  
Nowadays, most people are interested in Lunar phenomena as they are able to see an extraordinary event, such as super moon, harvest moon and total blood moon. On september 30, space researchers have predicted a special occasion, called black moon, is going to happen in western hemisphere. However, many people usually call this phenomenon with second new moon. It takes place when the position of lunar between earth and sun.Thus, the light of the sun cannot irradiate the earth. Actually every month just has a new moon, nevertheless there are some different phases causing some months have two new moons. When the phenomena come, people are able to see it without any risks. In some places, new moon is also become a sign of celebration such as in many Islamic countries which use it as beginning of a new year.
... as they are able to see ~~an~~ SOME extraordinary eventS, such as super moon,..  
On S eptember 30, space researchers have ...  
... the position of lunar IS between earth and sun.  
When the phenomena comeS, people are able to see (...) in many Islamic countries ~~which use it~~ WHERE IT IS THE SIGN ~~as~~ OF THE beginning of a new year.  
  
**after read the article, I can say that you have appropriately summarized it by using your own sentences. you also made a short but quite strong summary with well-structured sentences proved by less errors that i can find. good luck on your next summaries.**
Chritina Warinner, an archeological genetist at the center for Evolutionary Medicine at the University of Zurich, hope to well-understand abou evolutionary vulnerabilities of our bodies that we can enhance to mantain our health in the near future. She explained that there are different ways to approach it with extracting Human DNA from old bones and from this, she reconstructs the human genome at differents points for changing that might be related to adapt, risks factors and inherited diseases.  
  
However, the most vital health challenges face the complex form and dynamic rather than just mutation of our genome. It interplays between genetic variation, diet, microbes and parasites. These disease revolute to complex component. In order to understand these disiases, we need to lear about the pas study of human genome and more holistic approach to human health in the past.  
  
So, there are several numbers of challenges that we face today. We have to continue and research about this unique phenomenon research.
Hello mdamanhuri77,  
  
.., hope to well-understand about evolutionary vulnerabilities (...) can enhance to ~~mantain~~ maintain our health ...  
... DNA from old bones and from this, then she reconstructs the human genome at differentsdifferent points for changing that it might be related to adapt...  
  
... health challenges are face the complex form and ...  
These disease revolute to complex component. In order to understand these disiases , we need to lear about ...  
  
NB: pat attention to misspelling word because many word was wrong typing
... Medicine at the University of Zurich, ~~hope~~ HOPES to well-understand ~~abou~~ THE evolutionary vulnerabilities (...) we can enhance to ~~mantain~~ MAINTAIN our health in the near future. She explained that there are different ways to approach ...*Confusing sentence*  
  
she explained that there are different ways to approach it. one of them is through extracting human DNA from old bones that enables her to reconstruct the human genome at different points for changing related to adaptability, risk factors, and inherited disease  
  
... vital health challenges ~~face~~ ARE the complex form and DYNAMISM OF DNA rather than just ...  
These diseaseS ~~revolute~~ REVOLUTIONIZE to complex component. In order to understand these ~~disiases~~ AILMENTS, we need to learN about the pasT study of human genome ...  
  
We have to continue ~~and~~ THE research about this ...
For couple days, South Australia is still fighting with storm effect after power device had turned down. ABC News reported that power had been resuming at the center of Adelaide on Thursday while a thousand consumers are without electric supply and horrible weather expected recovery completely.  
  
According to ABC, the storm destructed public facilities such schools, shops, and gas stations were closed. The government spoke that blackout cannot been prohibited. Official said force winds took out twenty two towers and tore down power lines. This dropped down many trees and rooftops ripped off buildings.  
  
"This is an unprecedented event. Nobody has seen such a catastrophic failure of so much major infrastructure in any other part of the nation." ABC quoted from official South Australia.
For couple OF days,South Australia is still fighting with storm effect after power device had turned down.*confusing and false information*. South Australia is still fighting with severe storm effect of extreme weather WHICH HAS CAUSED black out/power device turning down  
  
**this is your sentence:**  
  
ABC News reported that power had been resuming at the center of Adelaide on Thursday while a thousand consumers are without electric supply and horrible weather expected recovery completely.  
**while in article its written:**  
*According to the Australian Broadcasting Corp., power had resumed to much of the state capital Adelaide by Thursday morning local time, but tens of thousands of customers remained without electricity and more extreme weather was expected to complicate recovery*  
  
**I can tell how similar both proved that you did not paraphrase it nor effectively summarizing the article. you only change several words there. this will not positively build your understanding in reading activity as well as in writing proficiency.**  
  
.., shops, and gas stations WHICH CAUSED THOSE PLACES ~~were closed~~ TO BE CLOSE. The government spoke that blackout cannot ~~been prohibited~~ BE AVOIDED.
This table presents how costumer expenditure in five different countries in Europe on five different items. At first glance, it is evident that while five countries made use of expenditure dominantly for food, drinks, and tobacco purposes but much less on leisure and education purposes.  
  
Food/ drinks/ tobacco was the largest expenditure item for Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey, with all of them spending around more than a quarter from of their income on this, at 28.91%, 16.36%, 18.80%, 15.77%, 32.14%. In contrast, they spend approximately one-twenty on leisure and education. To begin, Turkey had the highest spend of income, at almost one-third or 32,14% on food, drinks and tobacco. Accounting for a lowest amount of used for food, drinks and tobacco purposes was Sweden (15,77%), it was almost a half from Turkey's expenditure. Italy lead the percentage on the clothing and footwear at 9.00% while at the same category, Sweden also take the last place with figure less than 6% or 5.40%. Next, other four countries were around 6%. Interestingly, costumer spending in five countries for leisure and education purposes were very low, less than 5% or around one-twenty from a whole spending proportion.
Hi Sari,  
Welcome to EssayForum :)  
  
I can see that this is actually a major problem for most of the new members who practice IELTS task 1. They often forget to upload clear picture/chart/diagram of the essay that they write. This should be avoided next time. You need to know that an IELTS task 1 needs a picture/chart/diagram. Posting a thread without them would make our assessment or correction incomplete.  
  
However, I would like to give general feedback related to paragraphing structure of your essay. In the first paragraph, complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:  
  
- This table presents... (first sentence)  
- At first glance/Overall.. (second sentence)  
- In addition/furthermore... (third sentence)  
  
The second paragraph of your essay was too bulky. A paragraph is not necessarily that long. You can just sum up all the information into 3 sentences for each paragraph. Therefore, you will have an essay with 3 paragraphs in total. This would bring significant benefits towards your final grade of your writing.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hi! I'm having some problems getting a good flow in my text. This is what I want to write. How can I give it a better flow?  
  
Cassini is the first spacecraft dedicated to extensive and longterm in situ and remote measurements of the Saturnian system. The Cassini spacecraft has been orbiting Saturn since July 2004. The Cassini Langmuir probe, part of the RPWS instrument package, is still, to the date of writing, in a good state of health. This means that more than 12 years of RPWS/LP measurements of Saturn's space environment are available for analysis.  
  
I tried many versions but it just doesn't sound good. =( Thankful for any help.
Hi Madelen,  
Welcome to EssayForum :)  
  
I would like to try to give my best in rephrasing or creating a good flow from the text that you have provided. I hope that this would be helpful for the development of your essay. You can see my alternative version below.  
  
*The first spacecraft called Cassini is dedicated to have extensive and long-term in situ including remote measurements of the Saturnian system. Moreover, this spacecraft has been orbiting Saturn since July 2004. It is fortunate that the Cassini Langmuir probe, part of the RPWS instrument package, is still in a good state of health up to now. Thus, it can be seen that more than 12 years of RPWS/LP measurements of Saturn's space environment had been available for further analysis.*  
  
Cheers :)
A giant Volcanic crater named caldera on huge island in Hawai was formed by hot searing activity. The bottom of the caldera, there were lava and steams. Kilauea located in Hawai's Volcanoes National Park. Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in Hawai tha well-known too with hig geological activity. Hawai's Volcanoes was discovered in 1916. Nowadays, this park becaome the most visited with over 1.5 million visitors per year.  
  
Kilauea was one of the most active volcanoes in the world since 1983. The visitors can have a look the eruption directly when they come there from a safe place. To see Kilauea's summit, the tourist can walk across the field which full of lava and this land is created by cold lava process as well as beatiful green scenery such as Lush rain forest.  
  
Finally, volcanoes are not the only one center of interest in Hawaai to encourage the number of tourists. Little zoo such as the nene goos, carnivourus caterpillars and delighted face spider. So, there are a lot of activities that we can enjoy in the Hawaai's Volcanoes National Parks
Hi, mdamanhuri77  
  
I would give you corrections for your essay  
  
1. Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in ~~Hawai~~ (Hawaii ) ~~tha~~ (the ) well-known too with ~~hig~~ (high ) geological activity  
2. Nowadays, this park ~~becaome~~ (became ) the most visited with ...  
3. ... process as well as ~~beatiful~~ (beautiful ) green scenery ...  
4. ... only one center of interest in ~~Hawaai~~ (Hawaii ) to encourage ...  
5. we can enjoy in the ~~Hawaai's~~ (Hawaii's ) Volcanoes National Parks  
  
Thank you
Hello mdamanhuri77  
There are some advice to you  
  
The bottom of the caldera~~, there~~ were lava and steams.  
**.... i think you do not need those into your sentence**  
  
Hawai~~'s~~ Volcanoes National Park  
**......Hawaii, no hawai  
......To explain a place, do not need *'s***  
  
another volcanoes in Hawai tha well-known too ...  
**.... Hawai= Hawaii  
...tha= that  
...hig= high**
IN the bottom of the caldera,..  
Mauna Loa is another volcanoes in Hawai ~~tha~~ WHICH IS well-known too with ~~hig~~ HIGH geological activity. Hawai's Volcanoes was discovered in 1916. Nowadays, this park ~~becaome~~ BECOMES the most visited TOURISM SITE with over 1.5 million visitors per yearS.  
  
~~The~~ visitors can have a look AT the eruption directly ...  
To see Kilauea's summit, ~~the~~ tourist can walk (...) full of lava ~~and~~ WHILE this land is created...  
Little zoo such as the nene goos, carnivourus caterpillars and delighted face spider.**NO VERB**  
  
**you tend to only compose simple structures while at the same time showing poor coherence on your writing since you only mention each sentences without a particular flow neither using cohesive devise to help you**
Music and history are two things that deeply connected. According to the latest research, music has been present in the history and precise dates come back to the prehistory. History will bring out some various musical genres from year to year. Also, culture and social of music affected the history and have inspired a plenty of artists. For the first time, the British music experiences explore the history and influence it over the past 60 years. In that time, the British held the exhibition that divide seven zones with the different genres were performed. In 1945 till in this day era, provide an insight into how musical genres were formed. The kind of music that performed in the exhibition are reggae, rock n' roll, blues and skiffle. Not only have that, but also some artist like Rolling stone and David Bowie show off their performance. This event becomes famous to introduce British music genre.