dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**I would suggest incorporating more concrete data into your essay.**While the essay has a general flow and direction, it lacks the having a factual backbone. This can be easily resolved through including more data or case studies.  
  
*You can start with the following questions:  
1. What do statistics say about the pursuit of higher education? Is it declining or rising?  
2. What is the exact percentage allocated to the education system? What is the rationale as to why this persists?  
3. In what context is your essay applicable? Are you referring to developed countries or developing ones? These countries have varying degrees of needs for development. If you could contextualize more, it would give a great benefit to the content of your essay.*  
  
Be more goal-oriented when you're writing your essay. *Do you truly believe that offering more university placements will result to a lower educational standard? Or is it a matter of budgetary expansion?* If you can quantitatively analyze the situation, it would as well better your essay's composition because it would make the content more reality-based.  
  
**Avoid being redundant in your language**. For instance, in the second to the last sentence of your second paragraph, you shouldn't have put **more many** because it became excessive. *Choose only one of these two terms because they're similar to each other.*
I would suggest paraphrasing and/or revising your first paragraph, especially the introduction portion. The direction of the paragraph in terms of narrative-building was quite unclear. You weren't able to build up the specific correlation between having enough time to prepare food and taking in *completely natural ingredients*. **I would suggest, instead, to scrap the first three sentences and be straightforward that you want to do a comparative analysis on the preparation of food between now and then.**  
  
Regarding the content of your second paragraph, your second point about tasting various dishes from diverse cultures does not relay a significant contribution to your essay's overall theme. *What does this diversity in dishes imply about current methods of preparation that cannot be found before?* If you're making claims, make sure that you mention historical data regarding it. Furthermore, it will also help if the data is as specific as it can be.  
  
Apart from this, the overarching tone of the essay is good. I suggest simply looking into small grammatical mistakes, run-on sentences*(frequently sprinkled throughout the text, however is noticeable in the second to last paragraph)*, and *misuse*of verbs. The last paragraph also does not have *a specific contribution in its current location*. I suggest integrating your ideas there to the second to the last one to create a more substantial and opinionated conclusion.
your ideal make me have some confusion  
firstly, i think it's a long and rambling essay, just because the topic is ''Cooking doesn't take ...'' and the question is '' has this improved the way people live?'', your essay should explain for yes side or no side instead of discussion.  
  
secondly, i think it's quite sensitive to mention about the woman like that ''Lastly, the number of women ... simplify our life''. i feel like discrimination between the genders. you can add some information in your sentences as in some countries or in some families, to avoid misconception
## school systems services to adult learners

  
  
**The charts below show the result of a survey of adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adults decide to study. The pie chart shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.**  
  
The charts illustrate information about adult education. The bar chart describes the motives of adults to pursue scholarship. The pie chart provides data on people's opinion about how the fee of education should be paid.  
  
In general, most students choose to study because of their personal interest and they should be supported in paying educational fee.  
  
It can be seen from the bar graph, 40% of students decide to learn because they are fond of the subject. The following reason is achieving certificates with 38%. In addition, the least popular reasons are socializing and shifting jobs accounting for 9% and 12% respectively. Data for other motives such as obtaining promotion, being better at current job and finding the joy in learning is approximately 20%.  
  
As can be withdrawn from the pie chart, public believe that scholars only ought to be responsible for less than 50% of the cost, whereas taxpayer and employer should share the expense, with 25% for the former and 35% for the later.  
  
* 
*
Looking into the technicalities of your writing, I suggest going back to the basics of grammar usage - specifically when it comes to*verbs, punctuation, and preposition*. I won't nitpick on it because a lot of them are easily revised. Look into having more transitions to create a better flow for the essay.  
  
*For instance, we can revise your first paragraph as:  
The charts below show the results of a survey in adult education. The first chart shows the reason why adults decided to study. The pie chart, on the other hand, shows how people think the costs of adult education should be shared.*  
  
I suggest merging*the third and fourth paragraph*. The third paragraph at the moment is oddly hanging in the middle of the essay without a cohesive structure. Because it is closely correlated to the fourth one, you can merge them easily.  
  
You can leave the last paragraph. I think it is sufficient for what it is right now.  
Best of luck with your writing tasks!
## Consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers

  
  
The graph illustrates the expenditure of junk-food using by Australian teenagers over period 25-years  
It is clear that the amount of food changed slightly.While the number of hamburgers ,fish and chips increased significantly,the consumption pizza decreased steadily from 1975 to 2000  
  
In 1975,the amount of pizza was consumed by teenager at about 5 times.Additionally, the figure of hamburgers at about 10 times.while about 100 times the pizza-food was eaten by Australia middle-people.  
  
By 2000, the expenditure of pizza rose dramatically at about 85 times. Additionally, the number of times Australian young-people eating hamburgers increased considerably at about 103 times and reached highest number over research period.By contrast, the consumption of fish and chips decreased substantially at about 39 times over 25 years  
  
*
Hi Cuong, here are some suggestions for your writing:  
  
1. Ielts writing task 1 requires an essay of (at least) 150 words. Your essay is about 120.  
2. You used the wrong word to describe the graph content: expenditure. Consumption here means "number of eating times". Expenditure means the amount of money spent which was not presented in the graph.  
  
3. Avoid repeating words to many times.  
4. Use adverbs more carefully not to make your essay sound clumsy.  
  
Hope this helps!
@Nguyen Cuong  
A lot of your mistakes were based on writing *technicalities*. Because of this, I highly suggest rereading fundamental grammar-related queries for English. I**n particular, I want you to look into punctuation, prepositions, and articles.** You have to be more *straightforward and clear*with your essay.  
  
For instance, I would paraphrase your first sentence as:  
*The graph illustrates the average expenditure on the consumption of fast food by Australian teenagers over a 25-year period.*  
This is a more professional approach to writing because of its structure and composition. Always follow a structure wherein you mention first the fundamental description of the graph before proceeding to introducing the timeline that it falls under. You had done something similar to this, however it does need a little bit more polishing and practice.  
  
I also suggest looking into your usage of verbs and tenses in conjunction with what I had aforementioned. Make sure that you are clear as well with your language and articulation.  
  
Let's take the first sentence of your second paragraph as an example. It should have been:  
*In 1975, the pizza consumption expenditure of teenagers was at 5 times. In comparison [...]*  
Avoid using the same transitions for your paragraphs because it can drag your essay, *ie. you had used "additionally" twice in your essay when you could have opted for something else.*
Kindly evaluate my essay in terms of Task response, lexical resource, grammatical range and coherence and cohesion and suggest an overall band for it if feasible.  
  
## proper investment for travel time reduction

  
  
**In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities.Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both views and give your own opinion**  
  
There is no doubt that a transport system has become an inevitable requirement of the modern world today. while some people believe that a major sum of budget should be spent on development of new railway tracks for high-speed trains, I tend to agree with the ones who are of the opinion that the money might be used instead on the existing public transport.  
  
Those who advocate for development of new railway tracks for high-speed trains, argue that it will be a major improvement in reducing the travel time from one city to another. This is because these trains will be equipped with the latest technology in terms of speed and comfort, thus benefitting the local population by a much speedier and relaxed journey. For instance, bullet trains have been introduced in china, which have decreased the travel time from Beijing to shanghai to less than almost half of that in the past.  
  
However, I believe the existing transport system is already more convenient and might just require some improvements to run as efficient as the train system. The reason for this is because public transport is cheaper and within the reach of the common people. For example, the local bus station I usually use to travel to my university is on a 5 minutes walk from my house. In contrast, people would have to travel long distances to reach railway stations and pay relatively more money for tickets.  
  
In conclusion, despite the benefits of reduction in travel time , I strongly argue that the money might be better spent on the existing public transport, as it is within the reach of the common people with regards to both finances and convenience.
Giving a specific band score would be difficult as assessing is quite different from being suggestive. However, I'll provide my feedback on your essay.  
  
You can *greatly reduce* the overall word count of your essay by being more wary of your word choice. The more straightforward your essay is, the better it would be for your structure and content. If you can make your content concise, opt to do that. I also suggest looking into better ways to transition between sentences. Instead of mentioning, for example, traveling "from one city to another", you can simply say "inter-city travel" to create more structure and composition in your essay.  
  
In particular, I want you to pay attention to your usage of punctuation and preposition. *For instance, in your introductory paragraph's first sentence, it should have been "requirement in the modern world" instead of "requirement of the modern world".*  
  
There were instances as well wherein you had utilized redundant words. If you feel as though you can omit a word, choose to omit it - as I always tell people.  
  
Let's look at your second to the last paragraph. I could revise the second to the last line as:  
For example, the local bus station***I typically use for travel*** to my university is ***a 5-minute walk from my house.***  
Just be wary of your word usage, and you'll be all set to go.
## **SEX EQUALITY IN MILITARY'S RECRUITMENT**

  
*Some people think women should be allowed to join the army, the navy, and the air-force just like men. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
It is argued that the army should be made available for women to sign up. I completely side with this notion because women's capability, quality, and desire to protect their home are now on par with men's.  
  
These days, strength and stamina of the weaker sex have significantly improved. Not only do women become strong enough to handle heavier jobs in regular life, but they are also capable of carrying out extreme exercises in the army without issues. For example, female athletes were able to finish the 40-mile marathon, annually held in Austria, during cold weather while some men failed in the competition. This type of heavy training is also used for special forces and apparently, women have proved that they are physically qualified for serving in the army.  
  
Another remarkable trait that makes women competitive candidates for armed forces is their absolute discipline. While male soldiers have a tendency to only follow orders to avoid harsh punishments, women usually have the highest level of attention in training and stimulated campaigns even without rules. This quality of female will come in handy on battlefields where sticking to captains' orders decides life and death.  
  
Moreover, the will to defend homeland of women is as strong as men. Unlike the past when female's biggest concern was the safety of their children, modern women have broadened their mindset to defend their country. In Somalia, a small land in Africa, female civilians successfully arisen against the rebellions to protect the rightful government from collapse in 2005. The country later acknowledged the great patriotism of women and dedicated a separate institution to train female soldiers.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that the army should not be restricted only to men. Instead, modern women's qualifications already make them a valued asset to any military forces.
I suggest revising your first paragraph. You can input additional details that can enhance your writing. For instance, try answering fundamental background questions about the topic. Why were women not allowed before to join the army? Why were both genders treated differently when it comes to their physical capacities? What were the traditional perceptions towards both genders that have shaped this idea? This can improve the substance of the essay.  
  
Regarding your second paragraph, you can delve into why women previously had weaker staminas. If you claim that the gender has now "significantly improved" in the field, then discuss the potential causes of this. What changed in the world that made women have more physical empowerment?  
  
Afterwards, you mentioned how women have a higher level of attention in comparison to men. It would contribute to your essay if you could explore this biological difference. If you cannot, avoid making bold claims as it can affect the overall quality of the essay.  
  
Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. Have more substance in this section as you wrap up your essay. What is your personal take on this? How valuable are women to the army?  
  
As I always say, the specific you are about details in your essay, the better.
Hi Maria  
Thank you for your advice on how I could improve my writing. I'm trying to limit my timing within 40 minutes to stimulate real test. As much as I want to put more details into supporting paragraphs, I'm afraid that it's nearly impossible to fully elaborate within the time frame.  
  
Also, could you please kindly assess whether my essay above fits the band 7 in IELTS marking criteria?  
  
Here's the link to the official band descriptors: (I can't post image directly)  
imgur.com/e98T4Hq  
  
Again, much appreciated your corrections. Yes, but for a new review this thread must be made Urgent.
## English-studying for example in the UK, USA - best option

  
  
**Studying the English language in an English-speaking country is the best but not the only way to learn language. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
English, nowadays, has become the most common language with the rapidly increasing number of English-studying people. There are many strategies which are found to learn effectively the language. I totally agree with the statement the best way, but not the only to improve English is learning the language in English-speaking countries.  
  
First and foremost, English, like other languages, should be studied in the environment which is most of the native speakers due to the fact that they are the most fluent and best at their mother tongue. The foreigner people in English-speaking countries may find it easier to imitate the exact pronunciation as well as the intonation. The more time learners absorb, the better they are. Furthermore, this way also saves more time compared to other ways. English environment lets learners study without even realizing. For example, people, whose first language is not English, must use English everyday to communicate in daily activities, namely talking to the shop assistant in a supermarket and asking for help. Learners, consequently, become better gradually.  
  
Secondly, studying English in English-speaking countries is good but not the only method because of other effective ways, especially, learning online. It is not demanding to find English sources and materials online these days. The learners can join an online class which is taught by English speakers, or easier, they can watch English videos on the Internet and then practice their speaking along with listening. Besides learning online, joining an English club is a helpful way to improve English. These clubs hold many activities for members to practice English, for instance, becoming a free tour guide of English-speaking people.  
  
In conclusion, I agree that studying English in the English-speaking countries is the most useful way to learn the language; however, there are many other ways that learners can apply to be fluent in English.
@mzoetemdroomm  
A couple of things to take note of.  
I would avoid using words that drag your essay. I mention this a lot, but I find that ESL learners have a tendency to use words that are "heavy" instead of using ones that can shorten and create a more concise environment for the essay.  
  
For instance, I would revise your introduction sentence as:  
English has now become the most commonly studied language with the rapid rise of non-native learners.  
Instead of mentioning the word English twice in the sentence, I had used the word language to refer to it. This can avoid repetitions. As I always say to people: ***omit what you can omit.*** A more straightforward approach will better your writing.  
  
This can be applicable even to your second to the last paragraph.  
For instance, I could shorten and revise your first sentence here as:  
Secondly, there are other more effective means to learn the language rather than staying in an English-speaking country. A good example would be online courses.  
  
This delivers your message in a more comprehensible manner.  
Moreover, I suggest adding more substance to your conclusion. It is not clear what criteria you are basing your opinion from. Always ensure that you make mention of the details you have mentioned above (briefly, of course) to maximize the content of your essay.
## Open carry and public safety

  
  
Some people believe that a police force carring guns will encourage a higher level of violence in society.To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
More and more countries start to allowed police officers carry guns at work.Some people think the regulation of policeman carrying guns will prompt social violence.I partly agree with this view.  
  
Before we think about the carrying guns regulation,we must know that the guns carried by the police help to deter violent crime.The policeman who carry guns are specially trained by Authorised Firearms Officers.They will not hurt normal citizens.Also,guns can help police officers to stop and catch violent criminals more efficiently.It can deter perceived threats from protential criminals.On the meanwhile,police officer canuse guns to protect themselves against violent criminals.  
  
On the other hand,if the police officers can not take a clear judgement of criminals,innocent people may be injured or even killed in police shooting.As a result,people's fear of crime and the rate of gun crime will increase.It is also detrimental to the building of harmonious and stable social environment.Imagine,when the crime starts on a street,not only do you need to be wary of harm from criminals,but you also need to aviod accidentally injure from the police,it seems too bad.Furthermore,criminals are more likely ro carry guns if they know that the police officers are armed with guns,which increase the invisible danger of crime.All in all,police officers should use their gun responsibily.  
  
For the proper of the police's right to bear arms,there is still a ong way to go.Not only the government should checks the comprehensive quality of the police.All the police officers need to reflect themselves and thinl more before pull their guns.  
  
Please help me check this article,thank you very much!
Hello dmdwx  
Please pay attention to spelling and grammatical mistakes. Frequently making these errors will badly damage your lexical and grammar accuracy score.  
The main idea of your body 1 is that carrying guns will help deter violence. However, the next 2 sentences do not support this idea. You can give example for the 3rd sentence such as 'shooting convicts in the legs will stop them from escaping the crime scene'. Again, self-protecting using guns has nothing to do with deterring violent crime.  
  
Omit 'on the other hand'. This phrase doesn't contribute to your essay.  
You mentioned that policemen are professionally trained so they won't hurt civilians then doubt their judgment in critical circumstances in paragraph 3. Try not to bash your own idea in the same essay.  
  
IMO, you can stand in-between when it asks ' To what extent' but sitting a fence is really dangerous because you can easily conflict your ideas. Personally, I choose 1 side to agree with every time to minimize the risk of being unclear.  
  
Hope you improve in your next works.
@dmdxw  
Watch out for your small grammatical mistakes. I suggest looking into your usage of punctuation. This is easily fixed, so I don't feel as though I need to nitpick.  
  
Review your usage of prepositions. For instance, in the last sentence of your second paragraph, you could have omitted "on the" and simply said "meanwhile" but you chose to merge them together. This causes unnecessary length that does not contribute anything substantial or technical to the essay.  
  
When you're starting your essay, I suggest that you delve into questions that can help you develop the flow of thoughts in your essay.  
  
You can these ones:  
Why were police officers historically not allowed to carry guns at work?  
What has happened in the world that has changed the policies regarding gun usage in the police force?  
Why do people fear policemen carrying guns?  
What does this signify about people's perception of local security forces?  
Try your best to be particular when you are developing your narrative.  
What type of training do these police officers go through?  
Are there other safety nets imposed by the state or the country that can deter possible misuse of guns?  
You may add statistics or first-hand data to back-up your essay.  
Watch out for run-on sentences. As a general rule, remember that if you can cut sentences into two parts, opt to do. This can help make your essay less dragging to the readers. What you can do as well is to revise the essay until the flow and structure is better.  
  
For instance, we can revise the second to the last paragraph's first sentence as:  
Aside from that, the possibility of police officers to lack sensible judgement can cause the deaths of innocent lives.  
Lastly, please reread your last paragraph. There were a few hanging lines that could be easily fixed.