dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please check my writing and give me score. Thank you!  
  
## mobile phones in the years of 2005 and 2006

  
  
The table illustrates the proportion of manufacturers reaching in the global mobile phone market in two different years 2005 and 2006.  
Overall, in the both of years, Nokia was still the leading company with the highest share. While Motorola and Ericsson recorded a slight increase, the remaining brands reduced over two separate years.  
  
Nokia accounted for the highest percentage in the mobile phone market with 32,5% in 2005 and 35% in 2006. Besides, Motorola in 2006 reached the second place in market share with 21,1% after a slight rise over more than 3% over one year. Likewise, Sony Ericsson experienced the lower increase by just over 1,1 % from 2005 to 2006.  
  
By the contrast, Samsung, L.G, Ben Q.Mobile and others saw a considerable reduction in the share of mobile market. Ben Q. Mobile continued to be the brand with the lowest market share in both years at 4,9% and 2,3%, respectively. The figure for others showed the highest fall of all brands from 19,2% in 2005 to 16,2% in 2006. Finally, there was a slight reduction in the percentage of Samsung and L.G in this market.  
  
*
You can most likely get a 5 for the task accuracy portion and a 6 for the rest of the scoring criteria. That means that with this analytical summary essay, your overall score falls between a 5 and a 6, depending on the smaller considerations that the examiner will take into account while considering your work. Your information presentation is alright. The problem is that your summary paragraph / opening paragraph does not follow the proper requirements for this essay. Your opening statement must never be a thorough discussion of the information provided. It must always and only describe the type of illustration, the point of the illustration, and the information that you will be presenting. The opening statement is, in effect, nothing more than an overview of the body paragraphs. Since this is a 5 paragraph essay, the essay paragraph should be as follows:  
  
1 - Summary paragraph  
2-4 body paragraph with discussions of the content of the illustration  
5 - Conclusion  
  
The final paragraph should accurately sum up your analysis of the given data and what the data analysis trends towards. You have the correct minimum number of paragraphs in the essay so keep doing that. The problem you have has to do with the presentation of the information as previously indicated. Though your grammar structure is not perfect, it is capable of delivering your analysis in an understandable manner and therefore, is not as big of a problem as it could have been. Good job! I hope to see continued improvement on your part.
## my own life in short

  
  
My name is Annabelle Miranda and I was born on the 14th of October, 1993 in Manila. I am now 23 years old. I come from Balayan, Batangas where I was grew up. I graduated Diploma in Information Technology a two-year course at STI College Balayan and now I'm pursuing my Bachelor degree here in OLOPS CollegeI worked for 2 yrs as a regular employee in Optis Philippines INC. I am not a very sporty person; my lifestyle is very simple.  
  
My mother's name is Isabel V. Miranda and she is 50 years old. She is a housekeeper at Balayan Batangas. I'm an only child.
Annabelle, I am not sure what the point of this statement is. As a summary presentation of your background, regardless of the minor grammatical structure errors, the information presentation works. It has complete information about you. Although, mentioning your mother in the essay doesn't make sense because you did not create a direct relationship of your mother's information with your given information. The fact that you are an only child and the work of your mother should be better integrated into the first paragraph. I am not sure why you are writing this paper. Is it for a masters degree application or something? Since I do not know what the purpose of this exercise is, I am unsure as to how to help you improve your presentation in terms of content and format. I wish you had included that information in your posting so I could have given you a more accurate review and applicable advice.
please send me feedback and give me score  
  
## changes in annual spending in a uk school

  
  
The pie charts compare the percentage of a certain school's expenditure annually in UK in different three years with the 10 years interval starting from 1981. As is observed from the pie charts , the greatest disbursement were spend for teachers salaries, by contrast schools spent lowest amount for insurance totally.  
  
According to the charts, 40% of the school's budgets were spent went on for teacher's salaries, this figure rose steadily in 1991 exactly the half of budget( the total expense) accounted for this staff. While in next 10 years , this percentage, decreased to 45%.after a 10 year it dropped by 5%.the proportion of expenditure other workers salaries decrease dramatically steadily over a 20 year period from 28% in 1981 to 15 % in 2001.the expenditure of Expenditure on resources book , furniture and equipment fluctuated during the period in 1981 spending money on these parts were similar, although in in 1991 resources books' cost were more than furniture equipmet,while this figure decrased significantly in 2001. By contrast this figure for furniture increased frome 15% to 23 % in 2001 with a 10 % decrease in1991.
Susan, your work cannot be scored because you did not upload the image that was provided to you for your reference in developing your summary essay. It is a pity that you did not upload the image because I can only give you advice once. Without the image for reference, I am unable to give you a complete review, inclusive of a score. While you did write more than 150 words, you did not properly format the essay. You ended up with only 2 paragraphs instead of the normal 3-5 paragraphs per essay summary. Had you properly divided the content and summary of your second paragraph, you would have at least come up with the required 3 paragraph (minimum) essay. By the way, the summary overview needs to be at least 3 sentences long, as with the your concluding paragraph as well. Your second paragraph should have only had 5 sentence maximum also. You have to learn how to divide your discussions, while also lengthening it to 5 sentences so that you can develop complex word structures and fully developed explanations in your paragraphs. I am not sure if your essay accurately depicts the image you were provided since you did not upload it with this essay. I am sorry but I cannot perform a miracle. I cannot score your essay because of the missing image. Neither can I review your essay again, then score it, even if you upload the image after this posting because contributors are limited to one advice per thread / essay. I will however, score your next practice test if you remember to upload the image for my reference.
## alcohol use in the usa

  
  
The bar chart above presents the information about people's drinking behavior by age group in the US.  
Accordingly, the highest proportion of those who never drink falls into 16-24 years group. However, this number tended to decrease with age. Only 45% of people who turned to age 74 had never drunk.  
  
On the other hand, the percentage of those who had quitted drinking tended to increase with age. Only 5% of the youngest age group were ex-drinker, compared with 40% of the oldest age group.  
  
People in the age of 25 to 34 had the most number of light drinkers, accounting for 30% of the total. The middle age group (45-54) was supposed to be the heaviest drinkers, amounting to 14%. A relatively small proportion of those in the youngest age group and even smaller number in the oldest age group (roughly 3%) drink heavily.  
  
*
Hoang, you are not properly summarizing the information referred to you for reference in the graph. Aside from identifying the type of graph in the illustration, you need to complete your summary outline by referring to the specific overview information that was provided. A sample summary overview for this essay is as follows:  
  
*The bar chart illustrates the drinking habits by age of US drinkers. The percentage and age of drinkers are indicated in the chart. Additionally, the type of drinkers has also been noted for reference. The following paragraphs will break down the chart information for comparison purposes.*  
  
Note that my sample follows the mandatory minimum of 3 sentences which indicates a full paragraph. You should have combined your second and third paragraph information in order to meet the minimum sentence requirement per paragraph since the information you presented is related. Overall though, you did a pretty good job of offering the most obvious information in the bar chart. There is no right or wrong way of analyzing the chart. What is important is that you can clearly explain the contents of the chart to the reader and I believe that you did exactly that, with a few mistakes as noted above.
Do, when you write your next practice essay, use a timer. Complete the essay within a 30 minute time frame. This essay was obviously written without you using a timer which caused you to write paragraphs out of format. The normal format for an essay is 3-5 sentences per paragraph. What you wrote is excessively long and believe me, you will not have the liberty to develop this length of an essay when you take the actual test. Your tendency will be to go blank and you will barely be able to write 3 sentences per paragraph at that point. So practice writing under time constraint. You will be better equipped during the actual test. I guarantee it.  
  
Now, the next time that you place an essay for review, please include the original prompt requirement so that I will know what parameters you are writing the essay by and if you were able to successfully accomplish the task per the instructions you were provided. Like I said, this essay is very well written, but runs counter to the expected format and paragraph developments for essay writing. I will not score you at this point because this is your first practice essay. This essay would not get a passing score in the actual test because of the improper presentation, grammar problems, and possibly, problematic paraphrasing and concluding paragraphs.  
  
Regardless of the problems though, I want you to concentrate on writing within the allotted time frame. As you become more relaxed and used to the timer set-up, your written essay, in its overall consideration should also begin to improve.
Please help me to correct this essay. Did I follow the topic?  
  
## One specific change Vietnam

  
  
I live in a small country in Southeast Asia, Vietnam. Where the quality of education is not good as well. So the quality of education in my country is the thing that I would like to see changed.  
  
I live in Vietnam - a country in Southeast Asia - where the quality of education is not as good as other countries. This issue comes from many causes, but the most affect cause is the education policy of Ministry of Education and Training is not appropriate in the current socio-economic context. For example, my country's education policy has many limitations: the unrealistic lessons and curriculums; significant discrepancies between theoretical hours and practical hours; the lack of facilities for teaching and learning; the "quantity" not "quality" trainings. As a result, labour market has surplus human resources with low skills and lack of high quality human resources. Many graduates fail to find a job each year while recruiters can not recruit the human resources. The cause of this situation is due to the education policy is unreasonable, has not kept up with social trends. Resolving this issue I would like to see education policy in my country changed in the near future.  
  
Education plays an important role which motivates the country's economy to develop. Looking back on the development path of education, in the past decades, Vietnam's education has significantly contributed to raising people's intellectual standards, has gained a lot of achievements. But it seems like we rested on our laurels too long. Actually in many seminars, almost every problem has been analyzed, pointed out the right wrong but the strange thing is that it was not a change that made. The limitations have made us backward compared to others countries in the region. Singapore - a country in Southeast Asia, has been honored as one of the best country for studying in the world, Vietnam is still a place where nobody thinks of. Futhermore, the future of a country depends on the youth. But now the young human resources haven't been tapped into their maximum potential. Change the education policy before it's too late.  
  
I know there are teachers and students are doing well but not much. It's not easy, of course, to change such a big issue but if we don't do we can not change anything at all.
Pha, complete this essay in two paragraphs. The first paragraph introduces the problem that you want to see resolved / changed / improved in your country. Be specific about the problems in education that you feel most affect the quality of teaching in Vietnam. Then, in the second paragraph, explain why you feel that changes need to be implemented. Write this as a cause and effect essay in order to make it more informative and relevant to the discussion. It is easy to complete this within 300 words, composed of 2 paragraphs. You need to make sure that you divide the essay into the discussion sections so that it will be easier for the reviewer to consider your essay information. Try to pick only big problem related to education that you want to resolve so that you can present the problem in 150 words. Then use the remaining 150 to justify the need for the improvement in that sector. It is that simple and easy to revise your essay response. You have too much going on in the current essay for it to become memorable to the reviewer. So keep it simple in content and presentation. That will give you a better chance of impressing the reviewer.
## home ownership and renting in the UK

  
  
The pie charts compare home ownership and renting for 1991 and 2007 in percentage term.  
As shown on the chart above, in 1991, the percentage of the homeowner was accounting for 60%, which was the most popular type of housing. Accordingly, the next largest sector was social renting, amounting to 23% or nearly one-third of all homes. The remaining homes were privately rented home and social housing, in which social housing took a tiny fraction (6%).  
  
Sixteen years later, in 2007, the number had dramatically changed. The homeowner had an increase of 10% compared with the figure in 1991, accounting for 70% of all homes. Conversely, the number of social rented homes had dropped from 23% to 17%, which can explain the increase in home ownership.  
  
The percentage of privately rented homes had remained unchanged at 11%. Therefore, it made up for the third popular type of housing. Social housing had decreased three-fold from 6% in 1991 to 2% in 2007, and it remained the least popular type of housing.
Hoang, the next time you have your IELTS Task 1 essay reviewed, please do not forget to upload the image file as well. The image will help me to assess the quality of your analysis and any overlooked parts of the graph you were given. At the moment, I will be unable to tell you if you did a good job or not with your analysis because I can only base the analysis on the information that you have given. Therefore, I will not analyze your content and accuracy but rather, your formatting. The formatting that you have is not very good. The summary analysis is only a single sentence when you should have at least 3 sentences that should outline the discussion for the upcoming paragraphs. you have a second paragraph that is acceptable in terms of analysis, although, you should practice presenting the complete information in sentences instead of using parenthesis for emphasis. The parenthesis does not indicate any analysis of the given data and should be avoided whenever possible. Your third paragraph is one sentence short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. Your final paragraph is in an acceptable format although, as I mentioned previously, I cannot assess if you have completely and accurately represented the information given to you because of the lack of illustration. Don't bother uploading the image now since I can only give you one review per essay. It will be useless because as a contributor, I am no longer going to be able to re-assess your work based on the image.
**We can not help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement ?**  
  
## Prioritize most important issues

  
  
Nowadays, many people have problems with discrimination, poverty and health care... so receiving help from others is very precious to them. From my point of view, I disagree with the idea that we should not help people in other countries since those problems still exist in our own society.  
  
Although only one person cannot manage to deal with every problems of other people from the rest of the world, co-operation of many individuals can create enough strength to tackle global issues,and that helps promote not only particular country but also the entire society. There is many counterexample against the notion that one cannot break national boundaries to help neighbours and fellow citizens. Take Nelson Mandela as an example, he is though to be a failure before succeeding in abolishing the racial prejudice and fighting for justice with the help of the color community and soon became a symbol of peace to South African people and also residents who live beyond his national border.  
  
As a consequence of globalization , considering the purpose of a nation to be a priority can only separate itself from others. Instead of that, our dedication and contribution should reach the common goals at an international level in an attempt to achieve sustainable development. For instance, poverty tends to appear more in developing countries so it is a responsibility for governments from developed nations to come up with a measure that helps the poor raise their living standard regardless of nationality. Besides, most of the social issues do not belong to any specific country so it is our duty to help each other for the sake of a better world.  
  
In conclusion, I believe even if we are not able to help everyone in the world who are in need, it is selfish of us to only care for people nearby where we are living.
Albert, unless the prompt indicates specific problems and issues to be addressed in the essay, it would be best for you to keep to the original presentation of the prompt in your paraphrasing. This will show that you understand the discussion and will allow you to increase the task accuracy scoring of your essay. In this case, by focusing on specific topics for discussion in your paraphrasing, you totally changed the slant of your discussion. Not to mention, you said "I totally disagree", which is a different essay discussion approach from "I disagree to a certain extent due to several reasons I will be presenting", which is more aligned with the prompt instruction / question of "To what extent..." Do you see how the two discussion approaches change simply because you changed a few words in your paraphrasing? You ended up changing the whole essay discussion and instruction. Even your line of reasoning was affected in the second paragraph by this mistake.  
  
Nelson Mandela focused his whole life on beating apartheid in South Africa. He was an inspiration to the world alright but, until later on in his life, he was solely focused on the problems of South Africa alone and did not really meddle in world politics as your paragraph seems to imply. Indeed, he served as an inspiration to others in other countries, but his focus was on securing the freedom of the native South Africans in their home country.  
  
This mistake in your discussion would not have occurred if you had properly paraphrased the original prompt and its discussion requirements. In your next practice test, do your best to stick to the original instructions and make sure you understand the method of discussion before you start drafting your essay. If necessary, have others explain the instructions to you. That way you avoid making mistakes in your response writing.
*Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.  
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?  
Has this become a positive or negative development?*  
  
## different interaction between people

  
  
More and more people have changed their ways of interaction with others due to the development of technology. When it comes to iPhone or iPad, the technology in it affects the way we express our thoughts and this essay will see it a positive development because it creates certain intimacy among people we care.  
  
IPhones or other high-tech smart devices allow us to instantly bring our loved ones in front of us lively, by using Hangout or Snapchat. When the time we didn't have these gadgets, writing a letter that takes days to reach far-away, walking across a mountain to meet friends, or padding a canoe to the other side of the lake to reach your parents, etc., were once common scenarios and were the only few ways to convey what people wanted to say to the others which easily cause an estranged relationship. However, with advanced technology in smart phones, we can easily keep a close contact with people we love. For example, when my father was transferred to India to work, he called back via Facetime every night to say good night to us, which allow children to keep familiar with him.  
  
This has become a positive development in regard to more people are able to contact with the ones they care easily. We used to suffer from the long distance relationships that refrain us from caring the others, since mailing a letter by post is time consuming. However, the advent of smart phones breaks the obstacles from distance and provides us with a chance to keep loved ones closer by saying hi everyday via Facetime. For example, Skype and Facetime are the two most popular apps that used by 86% of American students who study overseas to connect with their parents and friends according to the questionnaires done by the National Telecom Company in the US.  
  
In conclusion, smart phone technology has changed the long distance relationship from hardly keeping close to remain familiar, and with less people suffering from this the essay consider it as a positive development.
Chen, you want to know the biggest problem that I see with this essay? You focused on a specific technology for discussion instead of keeping the general discussion that the prompt requirement instructed you to develop. There was no technology indicated by name and yet you felt the need to indicate specific, named, technology in your essay. You would have scored better if you simply focused on the general technology descriptions as previously indicated. Saying "email, texting, video calls, social media" were all more acceptable forms of referring to technology other than being specific to Snapchat, IPhone, etc. This shows that you understood the instructions but had no idea how to properly discuss it. This brings me to the problem in your opening statement. Rather than using a continuous discussion by using the word "and", you should have instead used a full stop and indicated that this would be a positive discussion as a separate sentence. After all, each part of the original prompt should have been represented as a separate sentence in the paraphrasing. The opening paragraph should have reversed the original presentation from that of questions, to sentences of facts. Also, the term is "paddling" which means "the act of propelling a small boat forward by using a paddle." Padding describes soft material such as foam or cloth used to pad or stuff something". You meant to say "paddling" right? Overall, the score for this essay would most likely be a 4.