dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Tuan Anh 16  
I will not comment much on your content for each person has his or her own viewpoint of a problem. However, you should give more concrete points to support your main idea. In terms of grammar, your general usage of English is good, and you should better your sentence structure in more and more natural way. You no need to use a lot of conjunction words directly , it makes your essay less natural. There are more ways to link sentences together without abusing linking words, try to enhance your sentence, I am sure u'll soon be progressed!
Overall a good read, quite informative.  
  
There are few sentence construction and spelling mistakes which I would like to highlight.  
  
1st paragraph:  
... writing a letter**,** despite ...  
  
2nd paragraph:  
... messaging is ~~an~~ **a** good example ...  
  
3rd paragraph:  
... habits with ease for ~~three~~ the following reasons.  
... proofs which ~~scientiests~~  **scientists**  merely base ~~on~~ in to do research on many fields.  
  
... wedding parties or ~~bussiness~~  business  meetings ... sincerity and ~~formality~~  formality.  
  
... observing their ~~handwriting~~  handwritten  letters.  
  
4th paragraph:  
... view that ~~comtemporary~~  contemporary  communications and writing letters are  have  equally essential ...
Steven, the essay is confusing to read. It is jumping around from being a book report to being a historical paper, to being a research paper, to being a book report again. Which is which? You need to be consistent in your presentation. Either this is a book report or it is a historical research paper. It will be difficult to accomplish both in one essay. If you must do both, then present the history of Turkey before you present the book information. Once you present the book information, you should not volley the information between the two sources anymore. Focus one part fully on a chosen presentation, then focus the next half totally on the actual purpose of the paper. As of now, I am not sure about the purpose of this paper due to the lacking thesis statement. If there was a thesis statement, the reader would at least be able to get an idea as to the why and the how of the paper. At the moment, I am not sure what the actual purpose of this paper is.
It will be really helpful, if you can write the actual topic in order to seek feedback.  
There are few sentence construction which I would like to highlight based on what I grasped.  
  
3rd paragraph:  
But the most ~~the~~  drastic changes ...  
  
6th paragraph:  
... country who seek**s** to ... doubted ~~it's~~ its  candidacy.  
  
hope this helps!!!
## Number of Work-Loss Days due to illness

  
  
**The graph below shows the percentage of workers in 5 different European countries with a days or more illness absence from 1991 to 2001.**  
  
The line chart illustrate the percentage of workers absent for illness in 5 countries(namely Netherlands, France, Sweden, the UK and Germany)between 1991 and 2001.  
  
From the graph, the rate of Netherlands starts from almost 5% in 1991 then reach its peak at somewhere in the 5 % in 1992. Then, the rate declines stably for the next 5 years.  
  
Referring to the absence rates of France and Sweden, in the beginning of the period, are 5 % and 3% respectively. While the percentage of sick leave in France declined markedly, the percentage of Sweden climbed stably and both of the rates, in 1995, stood at a slightly more than 3%. After that, the percentage of workers absence due to illness in Sweden had a sustain growth, while France remain in approximately 3%.  
  
It is interesting to see that the percentage of workers with a day or more illness absence in the UK and Germany follow a similar trend. the rates of workers absent for sickness in the UK and Germany are somewhere in the 2.5% and 1.5% respectively.  
  
Overall, it can be seen that there was a considerably fluctuation of percentage of workers have sick leave in Netherlands from 1991 to 2001 and the rate in France shows a rapid decrease during the period in the question.  
  
(232 words, duration: 21:45)  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
1. I am confused about what tense I should use in what kind of description.  
2. I think I may miss the information about workers with days of more illness absence when I tried to paraphrase the question.  
3. How do I shorten the essay but still focus to the topic without missing any important information?  
I am aiming for finish the essay between 150-180 words within 15 minutes, is it possible?  
  
*
I think it is your first time to write an essay about IELTS task 1 right? From my point of view, the first thing you should do is to follow the general outline of task 1, which includes the introduction (paraphrase), an overview statement (the trend of each line, increase in Netherlands and Sweden, decrease in France and no change in the UK and Germany), body 1, body 2. There is no need to write the conclusion, just write your conclusion if you find that all those things you just wrote don't meet requirements of enough words.
Lin, let me respond to your individual questions first.  
  
1. Since the dates given are in the past then you must use past tense references for this paper. You cannot use any other tense because of the years indicated having already gone by.  
  
2. The proper reference would have been "starting in the year 1991 and ending 2001." That method of presentation is all encompassing of the dates indicated in the line chart.  
  
3. Do not aim to shorten the essay because when you aim to write less, you end up missing important information. It is always better to write more, say around 200 words, and then edit from there. You cannot possibly write a proper analytical essay, in a finished form, within 15 minutes. You may take 15 minutes to write a draft though. Aim to be thorough in your presentation instead of short in presentation because you are being judged on the thoroughness of your analysis, not on the number of words you have written. For example there are overlapping points to consider for similarities between absence rates in countries. If you write less words, then that analysis will not be included in your presentation. What you can try to do next time is try to batch the information by year brackets or by countries with similar trends, then offer a deeper analysis of the other parts of the chart based upon the importance of the information.  
  
As much as possible, you should refrain from writing any information in parenthesis because these are standard, required information. All of the information in a Task 1 essay must be presented and used in an official, part of the paragraph form.  
  
By the way, the overview information should be presented in paragraph format instead of stand alone sentences in order to adhere to the C&C scoring considerations that require a complete format presentation for each paragraph. That means completing at least 3 sentences per paragraph which will help you meet the minimum requirements. The maximum is 5 sentences. So that should have:  
  
1. Chart type information  
2. Basic information from the chart  
3. Measurements used and how it was acquired (if provided)  
4. Trending information  
5. Discussion instructions (if provided)  
  
Merging your first 2 stand alone presentations at the top of the essay would have fulfilled most of the requirements above, resulting in a higher TA and C&C score for yourself.
@Holt  
After I read your suggestions, I have a few more questions for you, I need to make sure I did not misunderstand.  
  
1. In your answer for my second question, you mention about "starting in the year 1991 and ending 2001."  
So the whole sentence would have been "The line chart illustrate the percentage of workers absent for illness in 5 countries(namely Netherlands, France, Sweden, the UK and Germany)starting in the year 1991 and ending 2001 , am I correct?  
  
2. For the "starting in the year 1991 and ending 2001" part, it is not past tense( and I don't know what tense is this :P) but you in your answer for first question: I must use past tense, why "starting" and "ending"?  
  
3. if I wrote the first paragraph according to your suggestion, would that be  
A. "The line chart illustrate...." for first paragraph, then "From the graph..."+"Referring to..." for second paragraph and the rest of the paragraphs remain the same?  
  
or  
B."The line chart illustrate...."+ "From the graph..."+"Referring to..." for first paragraph and the rest of the paragraph remain the same?  
  
Thank you for your suggestion, they are really helpful.
1. I am not sure what is difficult to understand about the observations I made. I thought I made all of the indicators for improvement perfectly clear. In fact, you were able to successfully apply it to the revised sentence that you wrote.  
  
2. In the over view statement, you may opt not to present a timeline reference yet. This is after all an overview statement and it is obvious from the dates indicated that the information came from a past time frame. Another way to phrase that line would be "started in 1991 and ended in 2001", if you want to be highly specific about the past tense usage.  
  
3. I guess you have no idea how to properly write the opening summary for this type of essay yet. So let me show you how its done.  
  
*A line graph has been provided with figures indicating the absence rates for 5 European countries covering the years 1991 up to 2001. The Netherlands, France, Sweden, the UK, and Germany were surveyed for the information provided in percentage form. Based on the trending information, it appears that the Netherlands has the highest absence rate at almost 5% in 1991. A figure that continued to decline for the country over the next 5 years.*
This is my essay for IELTS Writing Task 1. I would be grateful if someone here sends me some comments.  
  
## IELTS Writing Task 1 - Agricultural Producion

  
  
The pie charts compare the production of various agricultural products between two areas of the country. Each region develops different major food.  
  
In the East of the country, meat is the most popular product with thirty-five percent of production. The second highest percentage is dairy, with thirty percent of total agricultural production is produced for consumption. A fifth of the total is vegetables, while fifteen percent of production is for grain harvesting.  
  
In Western region, on the other hand, considerably more grain is produced, with forty-five percent of total production, three times as many as in the East. Meat is one of the top two most popular products besides grain, with thirty-five percent of production, the same as in Eastern area. There is a difference in percentage of milk products between milk products. Fifteen percent of Western agricultural production is dairy, which is equal to a half of the Eastern dairy amount. A very small part of the total production is for vegetables producing, with only five percent.  
  
In general, each area concentrates on different products. While the agricultural commodities is distributed relatively equaled in the East, Western region seems to prefer grain.  
  
(193 words)  
  
*
*Hi John, I have read your writing closely and found a few improvements you need.  
Firstly, you should write that there are 4 main kinds of agricultural products in the paraphrase of the statement so that it seemed clearer. Turning to your overview in the last paragraph, you were supposed to present proper information because you could not say that in the east area, all proportions of the products are almost similar. It can be seen that we could found a huge difference of percentage.  
  
I only remind you, John. Your job in writing task 1 is to compare figures shown, not to describe them separately. As I am concerned, you separated your paragraphs based on two areas, whereas if you wanna get a higher score, you have to compare products of agriculture. You can inform conditions of a particular product in two different areas.  
  
Hopefully, these suggestions are able to enhance the quality of your writing. GOOD LUCK*
hi, I think you can write the introduction in this way "the two given bar charts illustrate the agricultural production breakdown in two areas in a certain country, categorized into four main products..."  
  
You should add more comparisons to your answer as your current one, as I see, merely describes the given figures. Another advice is that I think instead of writing "forty" or "forty five", you can write "slightly less than a half". Instead of "tweenty five", you can say "a quarter".  
  
That's all I want to share. Good luck!
Hello John  
  
In this type of essay, you do not need to conclude, this task ask candidates to describe the information provided. So the sentence in your last paragraph "Western region seems to prefer grain." is not needed. It is possible to lose mark on this, because the graph does not show the reason why grain was produced more. The graph does not show it is because of western region prefer grain, it's just a data tells you the figure.  
  
I hope this will help you a bit.  
Cheers.
Ann, are you writing this essay for a TOEFL or IELTS test? You have to always tell us which test you are taking because the requirements for each type of test is different, although they share the same prompts. In this instance, I will assume that you are taking the IELTS test as that is the most current test that has been using this prompt lately. My reviews will then be based on the requirements for that test.  
  
Your opening paraphrase begins an immediate discussion of the prompt provided. That is a prompt deviation because the opening paragraph is normally used to represent your ability to repeat a given statement in the English language. The assumption given is that the person reading the essay has no idea what the original prompt is about so you will have to explain it, in your own way to the reader. If I am not mistaken, the original prompt is:  
  
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sport activities as they give to their university libraries.*  
  
Therefore, the proper repetition, in an original form for the above statement is:  
  
*Libraries tend to get a larger share of the university budget allocation. Some people believe that sports activities should get an equal share of this budget within the university expenses. I agree with this statement for several reasons.*  
  
The idea behind the first paragraph is to have the reader assume that you are properly translating the prompt into another version and that your version is reliable. The thing is, you are not selling your prompt to a blind reader. The examiner has a copy of the original prompt and will immediately be able to tell if you are properly accomplishing the task or not. That is why the paraphrasing of the original prompt is of the utmost importance.  
  
In your essay, you saved you intention to agree with the balanced budget idea for the concluding paragraph. Your opinion is never placed at the concluding paragraph. That is always placed at the end of the opening paraphrase as a thesis statement for the discussion. Doing so means that you have not closed the essay but rather, continued the discussion, which is unacceptable in a properly formatted conclusion. The conclusion should only sum up the discussion points and reiterate the opinion provided earlier in the essay.  
  
The body of your essay does a good job at discussing the prompt topic. The main problems that your essay has are at the beginning and end. So focus on improving the problem points. As per your English grammar, it is intermediate at best and should be able to help you get a decent LR and GRA score.
@Holt  
I thank you so much for your constructive comment. This is an IELTS essay, and due to the limitation in the number of words in the topic sentence, I couldn't give the full task requirement. I will learn from this experience and write it right above my essay. Once again, I really appreciate your contribution, thank you very much!!!!  
  
@Tuan Anh 16  
Hi Tuan ANh, thanks for your comment! I will see your essay!
prompt: *Every success is because of hard working. Luck has nothing with success. (do you agree or disagree)*  
  
## Success without being lucky?

  
  
Every success in the life is because of hard working, nothing will be achieved with lick.. From my perspective, I agree because when people graduate from universities, get good jobs and receive high salary, it's the result of hard working not luck.  
  
Firstly, as far as I am concerned, when people study at university or college they have to work hardly to succeed in the exams, otherwise they will fail or get a low score. For example, when I was studying civil engineering one of my classmates had the highest score because he had tried to achieve that lack had nothing with his success. When people don't study before the exams they will never receive a high score. So, success in exams which is necessary in our lives depends to hard working not luck.  
  
Also, nowadays jobs are competitive and can be taken by success in the exams. When one wants to get a job he/she has to get prepare for an exam by and success in the exam to get the job. If people don't study hardly for jobs exams and wait for luck they will not get the job and finally they will be regret. During getting a job, for most of professions luck is nothing, high score is acceptable which can be achieved by hard working. Therefore, luck has nothing, hard work is helpful.  
  
Moreover, people who worked hardly for their profession get high salary. During working in an organization, there are a lot of employees; the one who work hard will receive the high salary. If the one wait for luck, he/she will never receive a high salary. For example, I am working in an organization where, 20 employees are working together. Two of us receive the highest salary because they work hardly, not because of luck. Hard work has the highest income; luck is nothing to get a high salary.  
  
To conclude, from my experience, people can success in every part of their life, if they work hardly for their targets. Luck has nothing to success in achieving the goals. From studying in the university to getting a job and high salary the one should work hardly to success, otherwise he/she will never achieve the goal. Every success is because of hard work, luck is not helpful in becoming success in the life.
Naseer, are you discussing a Task 2 essay or a Direct Response question? It appears that the prompt is for a Task 2 presentation but you are opting to treat it as a Direct Response essay. Please clarify the type of essay that you are discussing with your next practice test because the advice for each type of essay varies. Since each essay type has a specific discussion method, I want to be sure that I am giving you the correct advice regarding the essay development each time.  
  
Pay particular attention to your punctuation and grammar. Any misspelled word indicates a lack of English vocabulary skills and will affect your LR score. Look at this mistake that you made:  
  
*Every success in the life is because of hard working, nothing will be achieved with lick..*  
  
The mistakes in this sentence are:  
  
1. Word Usage -  
"Working" should be "work" because working denotes the act of "work" .  
"Lick" means to pass the tongue over a surface. You were supposed to say "luck" meaning success or failure brought on by chance.  
The mistakes show a lack of English vocabulary familiarity and incapability to use the terms in the correct context.  
  
2. ... (ellipses) should have been a simple period. Maybe this was a mistake regarding key punching on your end or maybe it was intentional. Whatever it was, the presentation of that line should have ended with a period, as in a statement, instead.  
  
The rest of the essay contains applicable statements that can help to increase your final score. The problem, is that your opening statement has some serious flaws that would have a direct effect on your final scoring considerations.
**TOPIC:- Crime is a problem all over the world. Some believe that crime prevention will make no difference, others disagree. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.**  
  
## ways to reduce the criminal activities

  
  
Nowadays, crime is a serious issue across all parts of the world. Some people think that preventive e measures can control criminal activities. However, there are a few who are not in an agreement with this thought. This essay will discuss both the views followed by my opinion.  
  
Preventive actions, like efficient security system, strict and inevitable punishments against any unlawful activities, etc. will lower down the frequency of criminal activities. People would develop a sense of fear and restrict themselves to commit crime. It has been observed that the crime rate is subsequently lower in the countries where there are strict rules and punishments against the criminals as compared to other countries. Moreover, advanced safety measures, like installation of CCTV cameras, screening of people in public places, patrolling of police officers at crowded places etc. will prohibit people to indulge in any malpractices. As a result, the crime rate will be reduced, leading to a secure environment.  
  
However, there are a few who think that the preventive measures will not have any significant impact in controlling the criminal activities. They feel that no controls can stop a mentally-ill person to commit a crime. As these people lack an understanding between good and bad things. They unintentionally indulge themselves in the criminal activities without realizing its consequences. Moreover, people after consuming drugs tend to lose control over their senses resulting in unlawful activities which lead to dreadful outcomes.  
  
In my opinion, although there are some unintentional criminal activities for which there are limited control mechanism, proactive measures should be put in place as it will lower down the crime rate to a large extent. Henceforth, providing a safe place for individuals.  
  
To conclude, preventive controls, like proactive safety measures, stringent punishment will drastically reduce the criminal activities around the world.
P1  
... unlawful activities, ~~etc.~~" (I hope your intention to use etc. is to imply that the the reader already knows the rest of the set it is referring to, not, as it is so often used, as a placeholder for an undefined set. (Note that etc. is fine to use when referring to an infinite set, which is, by definition, a known set.)  
  
P3  
... bad things~~.~~ **,** They ...  
E.g. *As he is on holiday [reason]**,** it is not possible to get his signature on the letter. [situation]*  
  
I only find a minor revision in grammar, overall is nice.  
  
Cheers