dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Jessie, please come up with an original title for your essay next time. You cannot use the prompt topic as the title. That will eventually earn you a suspension from the moderators. Consider this a friendly reminder. It is a reminder that also asks you to please post the complete prompt topic and instructions in the next thread because I need the complete prompt to compare your work against. I cannot accurately judge the completeness of your response if I do not have the guidelines by which I can analyze your work.  
  
The first paragraph has a problem in it as you point out that you are stating your "opinion" on the matter. The basis of the essay discussion is not one of an opinion essay. This is an agreement or disagreement essay. Therefore, you could have simply stated that "I agree with the statement due to a number of reasons that will be discussed below." There is no need to say "In my opinion" because an opinion is different from taking a side and defending it. The side already exists and you are merely supporting it. To say "In my opinion" means that there is no side to be considered in the discussion yet. That is not the case in this essay so that is the wrong sentence to include in the opening statement.  
  
Your second paragraph opens with a highly confusing statement. I think you translated from the original Chinese language when you developed the sentences. That is why it is kind of difficult to understand. You need to keep the sentences simple while you are doing the practice tests. Try to explain yourself in short sentences for now. You will slowly progress in sentence length as you gain more confidence and knowledge as to how to best develop English sentences.  
  
In terms of required elements, your opening and closing statements need work. You have to learn to develop far more informative opening statements that can accurately portray the outline of the expected, upcoming discussion. While your concluding paragraph needs to be better developed in terms of simply closing the essay in a manner that accurately restates the prompt, summarizes the discussion, and finally, repeats your agreement or disagreement with the statement.
Hello, I'm practicing for the IELTS test. Thanks for your help.  
  
***Each year, the crime rate increases.  
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?***  
  
## increase of the criminality today

  
  
In recent years population growth, social inequality and low-wages are provoking higher percentages of felony than before. This essay will first describe three main causes why crime figures increase every year. It will then explain one possible solutions to avoid this issue.  
  
The first cause is the overcrowding. Many cities around the world are dealing with the population increase, this problem brings a lack of job opportunities. As a result, if the people do not find a job, many of them can committed robbery. Low salaries is another source of crime. In several developing countries the income is only 1 dollar per hour, due to this some individuals steal money or material possessions to others. The third fact of crime is social inequality. Around the world there are few groups of power that have the major percentage of wealth; hence, there are more individuals living in poverty. As a result, the poor people do not have the same opportunities and facilities, and many of them can fall in addictions such as drug or alcohol. Because of these factors many individuals become criminals. Albeit, this is not a excuse, the social inequality can produce thieves.  
  
One possible solution for low the crime rate is the government regulation. Is responsibility of the government to closely monitor the companies and their proceeding to maintain fair salaries. In addition, the government needs to guarantee the same opportunities to all the citizens in order to maintain the social equality.  
  
To sum up, the increase of the criminality is a complex issue. Therefore it is necessary the intervention of the government and the collaboration of all the society. Because many people cannot pay their basic needs, such as food or health; while others spend thousands of dollars in clothes, cars or unuseful things.
@SalZappa  
Hello,  
  
In Paragraph two you have included all three causes. I think this should be broken down into three separate paragraphs. When I first read it I thought the second point of salary was part of that of robbery.  
  
Also, giving some examples may make your essay more practical e.g. You could say....I recently read in so so newline or paper of a robber who when caught blamed unemployment as the sole reason for his act of crime!  
  
And finally I noticed some simple grammatical errors.  
E.g. Where you wrote " in several developing countries - I think it should be Country not countries as per the sentence and  
  
On the last line Albeit, this is not a excuse,  
  
It should be writes as "albeit not an excuse"
Salma, in the summary paragraph / paragraph one, do not include any discussions or reasons that should be discussed later on in the paragraphs. The opening paragraph is meant solely for paraphrasing purposes. That means you should restate the topic for discussion and the instructions for the discussion in your own words. The reasons or causes, are to be discussed further on. The opening statement is just your outline. Nothing more.  
  
The discussions you have presented are good. However, you cannot present 3 reasons in one paragraph. In order to write the essay properly, you should present a single topic per paragraph discussion. What you did here is wrong because you discussed 3 topics in a single paragraph and then proceeded to discuss other information in the other paragraphs. You are only allowed to present up to 3 discussion paragraphs in the essay. So the format of your essay is a bit off course. It had good intentions, but did not execute the presentation properly.  
  
It is because of these major problems in your essay that I believe it cannot score higher than a 5. Again, the discussion is good, but the presentation needs to be corrected. Specially in the conclusion where you continue to discuss more information about the problem rather than just wrapping up the discussion in the expected manner.
***Hi Salma**, welcome to Essay Forum. This is a right medium to improve your skill so that you should harness this website as well as possible.  
  
I have read your essay closely. Honestly, you paraphrased the statement unsuccessfully. You presented new topics (social inequality and low-wages) although those cannot represent the meaning increasing the crime rate. Be careful of the paraphrase. You have to pay attention to the meaning so that you will not explain the different topic. Following that, it is better if you mentioned the cause and solution which you were gonna review in the body paragraph. Its reason is to give a general description. You only need mentioning one or two words about your view.  
  
Turning to the first body paragraph, I think you should say that the cause of increasing the crime is growing the population quickly. It is not exact if its reason is overcrowding. Besides that, you showed your view, but you did not include the strong supporting sentence. You have shown many causes, but those seemed layman's sentences because you did not write strong reasons or relevant examples.  
  
On the other hand, when you displayed the three causes of that matter, you should also offer the three solutions relevant to the problems. Unfortunately, your solutions were less strong. In the good essay, you are supposed to present the supporting sentences to strengthen your opinion.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you  
GOOD LUCK*
## business purchase

  
  
If I have enough money to purchase either a house or business I will purchase business. I had read a quote about business that, "making money is art and working is art and business is best art." I will spend my money in business art and I want to make lots of money. In my view if my business will success I can buy house, car, and all other needs. I see many advantages of buying business over house due to many advantages among which some are mentioned below.  
  
To begin with, lots of the successful business man start with small business and grown up as richest person in world. If they had spent their money purchasing a house today they would not on that position. So, I want to spend money on poultry farming. It is gaining market and also it is easy and cheaper to establish. I will work hard on it daily, bringing my business from local market to international market. From that I can earn huge amount of money. By the way to the example, I can recall business of my one villager. He used to have nothing. When he had married he got three lakh as dowry. He invest three lakh on poultry farming and he currently he has house, car, and live a happy life. So starting own business is a process of earning money and one day this business if go well can lead a person to be a richest person in the world. For example, Mukesh Amani richest person of India was a tea maker. Now starting from his small business his name is in the top most successful person list.  
  
So, in addition to the important of the earning money, business is a key to the standard lifestyle. Owing a business gives you a certain lifestyle. You can have your own house, own car, can fulfill all needs and can live luxurious life. Because you are owner of your own business you can decide where and where you want to work. At what time you are going to office. Where you are going for vacation. Do buying a house gives you all this comfort? Of course, not. For example, my uncle sale his land and buy a building in city, he has just a home as a property. Today, he has no income source and my elder brother is caring him. So I think business is your security of your life and your lifestyle.  
  
Finally, creative freedom and personal satisfaction is another benefit of choosing business. As a business owner you will be able to work in the field that you really enjoy. You can put your knowledge and skills into use, and can gain personal satisfaction by implementing your ideas in the field you are interested. You will be happy seeing your business succeed. So, as I am business student it will be my first step towards the career.  
  
By the way to the conclusion, based on the arguments explored above I am of the opinion that if I have enough money I will choose to buy a business. Being a business owner is really a exciting and key to success. I can have success with its various advantages. One day starting from small business I will kiss my dream. That day I will not only have a big house but also every luxurious things.
Though your prompt restatement is a bit lacking in terms of actually reflecting the discussion you are to provide, the rest of the essay managed to work well in terms of delivering on the needs of the discussion. As such, I believe that you could get a score anywhere between a 3 and 4. I am not sure as to how the actual examiner would score you on the increments of the criteria which is why I gave you the basis for your possible final score instead.  
  
The problems with your essay include the problem with the prompt paraphrasing and also, the somewhat problematic English grammar such as saying "By the way to the example..." should have been "By way of an example..." resulted in an inconsistency in the way that you form sentence structures and also proves a limited understanding of the English vocabulary. Hence, you were scored less because of these inconsistencies and problems with your presentation.
***Hi Sandeep**  
I have read your essay and try reviewing this.  
  
In the first paragraph, you stand out your position. Clearly, you prefer to become an entrepreneur to buying a house. However, you could strengthen your paragraph on condition that you showed the business what you build. Why I say that because you have reviewed the concentration of your business in the second paragraph. Turning to the next paragraph, I think you can remove the last sentence in that paragraph because you have presented an example in the previous sentence.  
  
Following that, you have to pay attention to your grammar. There were a few misplacing for the conjunction. In addition, you have forgotten to place a period in a few complex sentences. Although that is a minor error, it can break your flow in the writing.  
  
Apart from those, I suggest you diminish the fourth paragraph because your prompt only concentrates on benefits of buying the company rather than the house. You don't forget to focus the prompt that has to relate to buying the house.  
  
Overall, your explanation is good.  
Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing your essay  
GOOD LUCK*
@paras01  
I am confuse on what are you want us to write in comment box, either an answer based on opinion and fact or essay critique for your writing skill, since you didn't told us in advance.  
  
I prefer the realistic one. But~  
I believe that everyone has their own idealism or some people prefer to called it their principal of life. They choose it based on what they want to choose, not based on how many profit or loss they could count. They choose it based on which profit they want to take or loss they want to left behind, once again, not on how much it can be counted.  
  
In North Korea case, the government chose their idealism for absolute power to control their country without any critiques from their citizen. Surely, it already brings them into poor economical conditions but with the power to protect their country with full mode on military for defense and ability to give an attack for their offense in the future. That's what being called as loss but still profitable.  
  
That's a half different with Trump's condition in US these days. With full of liberty and good economical condition, he can't fully control US citizen's act to hate him for his unrealistic idea.  
  
That's my argument. I'm sorry if it'll sound like amateur's comment for you.  
Good luck.
Paras, please make sure that you develop an original title for your essay next time. Do not use the prompt as the title because I need the complete prompt included with the essay posting in the text box. That way I can immediately give you an accurate review of your work, along with a possible score instead. Please remember that the other members of our community will not be able to participate in your thread if they do not know what topic you are trying to discuss and what exam you are taking. In this case, I am familiar with both the prompt requirement and the test that you are taking so I will be able to offer you advice on how to improve your essay. I am just sad that the other will not be able to participate in the thread due to the missing prompt requirement. Please provide that as soon as you can so that the others can also offer you their help.  
  
In reference to the work that you did. The full requirement of the GRE essay requires you to take the stance that is closest to the personal position that you have. The statement of this position should be located in the opening statement along with the restatement or paraphrasing of the topic for discussion. You failed to do that in this essay. In fact, you did not indicate your position on the discussion until the concluding paragraph. So you will be scored less due to that oversight on your part.  
  
There is also the problem of English grammar accuracy on your part. Please note that there is a difference between the terms "reach" and "rich". "Reach" means to "stretch out an arm in a specified direction in order to touch or grasp something." or "a continuous extent of land or water, especially a stretch of river between two bends, or the part of a canal between locks.", while "rich" means "having a great deal of money or assets; wealthy." You must always aim to use the correct English term for your essay or you will lose points for using the wrong word in the sentence. This is a problem with like sounding words. Be very careful about this because it has the ability to change the meaning or create confusion about the meaning of what you want to say.  
  
Due to the problems with your discussion, I feel that in an actual test setting, the work that you did cannot gain you a score higher than a 4. The score is based on the problems with your writing style and grammar and usage.
@paras01  
  
The issues I see that needs tweaking are grammatical errors. Take note that you need to observe proper parallelism in your sentences. Also the excessive use of commas are present here. Tempting as it may to put pauses within sentences, it would be easier to shorten or fuse the idea in one sentence to be more straightforward in your point.  
  
Examples:  
  
Policy alleviates the elementary problems of society as it is necessary to be implemented for the striving of nations.  
  
~~Quixotic goal, unlike real goal, are appealing ...~~  
  
Amongst other goals, the Quixotic is appealing when politicians give speeches about it. Their goal seems grandiose but is rarely achieved because it is....
Hello everybody. I am new member. I have started writing Ielts and I hope you can help me correct my report. Which band I can get in this task? Thanks a lot.  
  
This is topic in task 1 ( from ielts-simon): **The graph below shows the amount of waste produced by three companies over a period of 15 years.**  
  
## Waste - the side product in an industry

  
  
The line graph illustrates the quantity of waste generated from three companies namely A, B, C from 2000 to 2015.  
It is clear that both company A and B trended to reduce producing waste, while the amount of waste from company C nearly tripled over the time shown.  
  
In 2000, company A produced the most waste, at 12 tonnes, followed by waste of company B and C with around 8 tonnes and about 6 tonnes respectively. There was a quick increase in the amount of waste of company B and C, at 10 tonnes and 6 tonnes in 2005. In contrast, the figure for company A went down approximately 11 tonnes.  
  
The period from 2005 to 2015 witnessed a sharp rise in the amount of waste produced by company C, and the figure was highest, with nearly 10 tonnes in 2015. Whereas, company A and B reduced producing waste to about 8 tonnes and 3 tonnes respectively.  
  
*   
*line graph*
hai @hongnguyentp92  
  
from 2000 to 2015 = for fifteen years  
went downat approximately 11 tonnes  
and the figure was highest = reached a peak at nearly 10 tonnes, standing as the biggest waste produced among other companies in 2015  
  
perhaps you can add another feature like overtook condition experienced by company C and B in 2010 or company A and C in around 2015  
  
thanks and goodluck
Hong, you could have produced a more informative essay if you had discussed the waste production of companies B and C in separate paragraphs first. That way, you focus on the information of the individual company, which is important information to the reader, prior to your comparing their overlapping information. While your essay is informative, it is a bit mechanical in information because you only present the facts as shown in the chart. There is a lack of analysis of the information provided, which could have helped you to create a better informed essay for the reader. You should try to see deeper into the information provided than just what is handed to you in the illustration. There is always additional information to be found when you analyze a chart thoroughly.
@hongnguyentp92  
I hope my suggestion would be useful.  
  
On the first paragraph, you tried to paraphrase "produce" with "generate" but I think it doesn't collocate, perhaps you can try another paraphrasing method.  
  
On the second paragraph, you mentioned that A had 12 tonnes, B had 8 tonnes, and C had 6 tonnes. Actually the IELTS writing ask you to compare and contrast the data, so my suggestion is, you can try to compare these data (twice, doubled, etc.) instead of mentioning the data one by one. I suggest you change "quick" to other adjective (dramatic, sharp, significant, etc.). Also in the last sentence of 2nd paragraph you tried to compared company A with B & C in 2005, but I'm quite confused with your sentence structure, I assert you consider to change it.  
  
The last one, I think the sharp rise of company C was occurred during 2010-2015 not 2005-2010.
## saving money is a good habit

  
  
Nowadays, things are getting more expensive and have a lower quality and quantity. I understand that sometimes you did not have money to buy things because I faced this kind of problems before. However, we can take some simple measures to prevent this problem to happen.  
  
First and foremost, you can prepare a book to record your daily expenses. In this way, you will know how much you are spending and see where you have spend your money mostly. You can always keep track of your money and check on it regularly. At the end of a month, you can see the balance of your money and when you realize you have spent more than you expected, you will reflect yourself and check where has your money gone. It will also train you to become more organized.  
  
Furthermore, you can make a budget plan at the beginning of the month. For instance, you can plan your expenses to avoid over-spending. You can also include your expenses that happen regularly such as stationery, food, book and transportation fees. By using this method, you can control yourself on buying things which are unnecessary such as luxury items.  
  
Moreover, you can include savings in your plan. For example, create a saving category in your plan. You can categorize your savings into different categories such as entertainment, books and loans. In this way, you will always have enough money during emergencies. This will lead you to be more careful and become wise shoppers in the future.  
  
In a nutshell, saving money is a good habit which should be cultivated from young age. Saving money should be adapted to our daily life. We can learn to be more mature and independent when spending on our own money. I hope you will take my advice and practice this good habit in your daily life.
Zehui, this is supposed to be an informal essay between siblings regarding how to save money. Yet the tone of your essay is too academic and formal. Why is that? Is there a prompt requirement that you forgot to include with the essay? Is this the IELTS or TOEFL exam? Or are you just practicing to write in English? In which case, the tone of the essay should be more informal because you are writing something similar to a letter to a friend.  
  
One of the problems of your essay is that you are not establishing who you are talking to at the beginning of the essay. While yo clearly established the topic and point of the essay, the target audience is not clear. Therefore, the reader does not have any idea as to who your target audience is. That is important because the person the essay is making reference to sets the tone for the discussion and gives the reader the reason why you had to write the letter.  
  
It was important for your essay that a reason was established for why you had to write this letter. Was the allowance of your sister mismanaged or something? Did she overspend? Why did you feel compelled to write this letter. Why did you have to say that you understand how she might not have enough money to buy things sometimes? The establishing factors need to be clear in order to give the essay more of a purpose for being written.  
  
The advice that you gave for saving money is sound advice. It is advice that can be applied to everyday life. Your explanations in this aspect of the essay were clear and understandable. It is truly helpful advice that should be taken and followed by your sister. However the problem is the tone of the essay. It is so formal that you seem to be lecturing the person. If this is your sister, it should have a softer, more caring tone instead of coming across as a semi-admonishment on your part.