dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi there, thank you very much for your time, I wrote this paper and I really need your feedbacks  
  
## Why do people risk their lives for irrelevant activities?

  
  
**You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.  
Many people now undertake extreme activities, from hang-gliding to mountain climbing.  
Why do people risk their lives in this way, and do you think this is a good trend?  
Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
You should write at least 250 words.**  
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The performance of thrilling sports has become widespread among the global population, which is considered to impose a threat to people's lives. Various reasons have been put forward to explain for the surge of the trend and I am in favor of those who advocate this positive new trend.  
  
Although extreme activities involve risk, they are by nature a type of exercise that makes improvements to physical and mental state. It has been studied that these activities require the cooperation of different bodies part as they are mostly cardiovascular workouts, which would burn a large amount of calories and increase people's endurance. For example, mountain climbers need both the strength of their arms and contraction of their legs to climb up the peak, a practice that increases their heart beats, allows better bloodflow and helps to lose weights. Aside from physical benefits, these sportplayers may want to improve their mental health when they are forced to be courageous to face and finish their challenges which are different from their daily experience. Mega Zipline in Singapore, for instance, is the most favorite activity throughout South East Asia not only for the breathtaking of forestry views but also the fulfilment at the end.  
  
In my opinion, the participation in this type of sports should be encouraged to be developed further as it represents people's creativity towards entertainment and push them out of their own limits. Despite dangerous to certain extent, these novel activities show how people figure out new way to utilize equipments, tools around them, the repeatition of such discovery may bring the additional safety and excitement. Rock walls, for example, are built up with different shapes and sizes for people of all ages to join. In addition, as these practice carry danger, they take people out of their own comfort zone and realize their potentials regarding various aspects.  
  
In conclusion, people take up dangerous sports for diverse reasons, some of which are benefits gained for their health. I strongly believe that the encouragement of these would contribute to a more joyful and interesting lifestyle  
  
*Time : 36' writing + 15' preparing  
Word count : 340*  
  
I am ready to receive any comments, thanks a lot
@joypham  
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback!  
  
Generally speaking, I find that there's nothing substantially wrong with your writing. You had a concise formatting for your writing, which made it easier to comprehend certain areas that were a bit perplexing. I do find, however, that you can still improve in your writing if you focused a bit more on removing the redundant parts of the text that you could have done well without. For example, in your first paragraph's second sentence, it was quite clear that you could have phrased it in a way that would have made it more concise.  
  
Try to avoid starting your paragraphs with "although" because it lowers down the formality of your writing. On top of this, I would recommend that you extend your conclusion a bit more given that you're still lacking that analytical tie-up to make your writing more extensive at the very least.
*The environment problem facing today's world are so great that there is little ordinary people can do to improve the situation. Government and large companies should responsible for the deducing the amount of damage being done to the environment. To what extend do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## awareness campaigns and imposing laws

  
  
It is argued that government and large firms should play vital roles to mitigate the environment issues because the number of problems are mostly created by them comparing to individuals. This essay agrees that the administration and large corporations should make coordinated efforts to curb the global environmental deterioration. Firstly, this essay will discuss the fact that government should arrange awareness campaigns and implement the laws against the organisations who is polluting the nature and secondly, discuss how the awareness campaigns and regulation will alleviate the environment problems.  
  
On the one hand, the environmental pollution occurred by the human activities is a burning issue in the world and the causes of this is the negligence and carelessness of some senseless and imprudent people. Most of us including government officials and myriads firms are not conscious and aware of taking proper steps and measures to alleviate it from the natural world. So governments should address the problems shortly and raise awareness campaigns among the community. For instance, administration could broadcast the programs on the cause and effect of it by the help of mass media. Sanitation campaign is the prime example in Bangladesh, how the proper sanitation facilities could minimize the communicable diseases.  
  
On the other hand, all of us should realize that the damaging impact of it is acute, it spoils and crushes the peace and happiness of our life and demolishes the normal way of our livelihood. From the government perspective, an environmental-friendly law must be imposed and implemented to cut down the contamination occurred by the large companies. For instance, the authority should encourage the firms abiding by the law such as green taxes on fossil fuel to use the alternative energy sources and organic products instead of consuming fossil fuel resulting pollution, chemical pesticides leading to destroy the ecological balance. Iceland is the prime example, where geothermal energy is used for heating system, over 73% of electricity is generated by hydro power.  
  
In conclusion, awareness campaigns and imposing laws could protect our nature from the man made problems because of good precedent set by the proper sanitation campaign and tariffs on fossil fuel reducing the pollution.  
  
*Hi guys, could anyone suggest on my essay, your valuable suggestion and corrections shall be truly appreciated. Thanks*
@smelias339  
Hi, welcome! Here is my feedback.  
  
Try to shorten your sentence structure in a way that won't overpower the readers. When we take a look at the introductory sentence, for instance, you could have opted to simply mention that large firms carry more weighted responsibility in resolving environmental and climate change-related concerns. Since you will be explaining what this entails in the body paragraphs, expounding it excessively won't really be necessary in your case.  
  
I have also observed that the way you introduced your examples in the body paragraphs is similar. Try to diversify your writing as this will ensure that you will be properly received by the readers themselves. In addition to this, evade repetitive writing patterns since this does not showcase any writer's creativity on your part. In that case, you will be struggling when it comes to reception of imagery since innovative writing is crucial to establish yourself as a writer.
@khangnguyen  
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on your writing.  
  
While I appreciate how short and concise the first paragraph is, I find that it didn't directly address the thesis statement that is typically sought after in this part of the writing. What you needed to do was incorporate a more strategic pattern of writing that will provide a background and introduce as well why this topic is essential. Try to add a sentence between these two sentences - one that will relay why financial management is an indispensable personal skill. Doing this will surely help you writing become a lot more integral.  
  
Since you have a set of reasons that rationalize the logic of your writing, I suggest that you stick with trying to compartmentalize everything in a more sophisticated light. Notice how you started reason one with "*one of the main reasons*" - these phrases typically do not suggest that you are following a specific pattern of thinking. Try sticking with basic determiners such as *firstly, secondly*, and the like. Doing this will help organize your writing too so that readers can anticipate what the rest of the writing holds for them.  
  
The conclusion also is a bit thin in the writing. I recommend that you try to link back to the introductory paragraph. Given that you started the essay by mentioning why financial management is a crucial part of adulthood, try to reiterate it in the conclusion to create a more solution-oriented writing approach, which will be more effective than what you currently have.
## tv impact on kids

  
  
Discussing about watching television, people have many opinions about it. While some people think that the content of the programs have an impact on them, I believe that both sides influence their behavior.  
  
On the one hand, the length of the time spend watching exerts an impact on the way they behave. They may not pay attention to the time, which can bring on watching addiction. They even do not eat, do hygiene, do exercises,...and really concentrate on what they are watching. More serious, this leads to their communicative ability, so they find it hard to talk or play with other people. Children would feel discouraged from having real interactions with people around them if they spend too much time in front of the screen.  
  
On the other hand, I still hold a strong belief that what children watch influences their behavior. Nowadays, with the development of technology, there are more and more kinds of new things on television, which attracts children very much. If they found something interesting or fit with their hobby, they may always think about it even it is a short program/video, and they would do their works as fast as possible to watch it. Worse, they may make children be addicted, and some kind of programs they like but bad, unwholesome to the society cause children to immoral, unaware behavior.  
  
In short, both of them have big influences on children, and parents should take care of them more for a healthy lifestyle.
@ratter  
Welcome to the forum. Here is my feedback.  
  
Ensure that you are using the appropriate sentence construction and grammar to have a more clarified result in your writing. Alongside this, it is critical to be mindful of the small, intricate details that make-up your essay writing skills. When we take a look at your first paragraph, for example, you could have said: *The opinions regarding watching television differ greatly.*  
  
Moreover, in your body paragraphs, I find that you need to have a more concise writing pattern. Try to also avoid incorporating opinions throughout the writing. This will ensure that you have a steady stream of viable arguments that will structure your writing more around logic than opinions, which is what is sought after when writing.  
  
When you are concluding in the last paragraph, use more appropriate language as well. Opening up this portion with "*in short*" won't be suitable. Try to start it with something closer to "*conclusively*" if you can.
## **Life is better when technology was simpler.**

  
***To what extend do you agree?***  
  
Many argue that when simpler technology was implemented, better life would be gained. Due to the fact that reliance on technology in social communication is undeniable, friendships become lasting longer without time and space limitations. With the ability to connect people and as a means of sharing and spreading the news throughout the world, this provision on technology has made society living more simply by electronic news. Thus, this essay completely opposes the statement that cutting-edge technology in communication can lead people to live more easily.  
  
Social life nowadays has relied more on advanced technology since modern media of exchanging personal news between relatives or close friends vary in specific needed features. The facility allows teenagers sending message even photos, making voice or video calls instantly by smart phones owned by everyone. Hence, even old friendships are apart by time and place, those with that relationships are able to keep sharing each others' latest condition. This feasibility has proven that high technology have helped societies living more efficiently on broadening socialization.  
  
News is also one of the benefits of technology for life as newspapers have been digitized for globally providing information from internet connection. Utilizing writing platform like blogs, discoverers founding new discoveries could offer practical breakthroughs as well as give a new insight of problem solved invention throughout the world from academic writing. Enhancing knowledge and broadened the horizon of news blog readers may come as the advantages. Presumably, informative and persuasive perspective from the inventors would be imitated from their journals or articles in blogs. Compared to the conventional newspapers and publications, by educating community in the way of disseminating science, this action virtually affects wide communities' life to be more manageable by reaching lots of internet users wherever and whenever they are reading the website. This society then enable dealing with indiscretion harnessing the more proper solution offered from various sources in internet.  
  
To conclude, a much broader social circulation and a much better-educated people in society as betterment of life have depended on developed technology a lot. A reason for this statement is such invention has been one of the foundations making life livable. Supporting technology development continuing to improve would be the best suggestion given from this essay.
@Hirumi  
Here's my feedback on your writing.  
  
Try your best to create simpler sentences when you can. This will help your writing become easier to comprehend. When we take a look at, for instance, the first sentence of the second paragraph, there could have been alternative methods of writing it. You could have said: *Peoples' social lives are reliant on the variation of mediums present in media-based communication.* Opting to remove phrases such as *"relatives or close friends"* will help you improve your writing's entirety.  
  
It would be better if you had incorporated more examples throughout the essay. There were portions wherein you needed to incorporate a more intensive approach to adding depth. When you spoke, for instance, about blogs and news articles, you could have opted to mention a more detailed input into the discussion.
**Topic :  
*Some people think studying from the past offers no benefits to today's life, while others believe that history is a valuable source of information for us.  
  
## Discuss both views and give our own opinion.***  
  
In this day and age, the benefits of learning from the past has always been an issue of debate to the public. While the supporters think history is a precious material to deepen the knowledge, the opponents consider studying history is meaningless activity. This essay will outline ideas from both views and illustrate why learning history is beneficial.  
  
On the one hand, the protesters of the given notion contend history has a faint function. To be more specific, learning history requires people to memorize dates, names from different historical events and this knowledge are rarely used in the reality. Accordingly, it is more essential to focus on science and technology that bring relevant uses to present and even future. Furthermore, studying from the past is absolutely worth nothing. Particularly, if we actually conclude lessons from past events, history would not be filled with repeated mistakes. However, mistakes were made again in a circulation and that definitely does not contribute much to the present context.  
  
On the other hand, history helps young people understand their own culture and how their culture and country have evolved. For example, by reading historical books, Vietnamese youngsters can know how their ancestors lost blood, sweat and tears to defend their land against foreign intruders. Therefore, a sense of pride and patriotism will also be slowly developed. Moreover, history helps us to avoid mistakes made by politicians or leaders which can cause disastrous outcome on our life. For instance, many economists have used old documents to return to "the great depression period" in 1929, in order to understand the tremendous effect of financial crisis and think of making practical solutions.  
  
In conclusion, there are strong arguments for and against studying history. However, I subscribe to the view that history is a good source of collecting information and dodging mistakes.
@Samathan  
Welcome to the forum! Here is my feedback on this writing of yours.  
  
Try to be more precise with your language usage. This will help you have a more enhanced approach to writing, considering the fact that you are working within a very confined word count. Try your best to make the most out of your writing because of this. For instance, in the first sentence/introduction, you could have just said that *the benefits of learning have been consistently a public issue*. You don't need to elaborate this further, especially since that part should be done on the body paragraphs themselves - not in the introduction.  
  
If you're able to cut down unnecessary parts of writing, it would help you improve the conclusion because you'd have more space for writing. You should discuss here a briefing of your analysis on the arguments against and for the studying of history. This analysis shouldn't be limited to just what your personal take is, especially since it shouldn't be limited to this.
In describing both views, avoid using judging words and focus on supporting each statement from positive perspective. Your Body paragraph 1 would be much better if you focus on the idea about people tend to learn science and technology for the sake of future concern rather than studying history, the stance would be more clear. Then provide the idea with supporting detail or sentence containing the definition, further detailed explanation also related example narrowing from the general idea. This kind of approach mark on sentence to sentence coherence and cohesive. Using template is acceptable but sometimes it shows imbalance on your own writing. Being straightforward is highly recommended.
**## People living in large cities today face many problems in their everyday life.

  
*What are these problems? Should governments encourage people to move to smaller regional towns?***  
  
In recent years, several difficulties have been witnessed in the everyday life of large city dwellers. In this essay, I will analyze some issues and the reasons why the government should take their actions to encourage immigration to smaller locations.  
  
The first obvious problem can be seen is environmental problems in large cities. As urbanization has become popular these days, more people want to live in big cities to seek career opportunities, the management of environmental problems is harder than ever. The degradation of air and water resources decreases the quality of living as it is the main factor contributing to a number of health problems. Another issue can be taken into account is the complication in people's lives security and safety. Since many types of people are attracted by big cities including unkind ones, crimes are more likely to happen. When life is more practical and the benefits become the most priority, people can do anything to get what they want. For instance, many freshmen first moving to Ho Chi Minh cities may get some problems of cheating in multi-level sales, which can cause the loss of a large amount of money.  
  
One solution can be taken is that the government should encourage the residents to move to smaller areas. Once fewer people living in the same place, less stress is put to the city. As a result, it is easier for the government to manage and adjust some problems. Furthermore, population decline also help the effectiveness of urban planning since there is less spontaneous residential areas, thus more city space available. As regard to other smaller areas, higher worker resources in terms of quantity and quality may help other regions develop and maintain the balance between different regions in a country.  
  
In conclusion, as many city dwellers today has to deal with several problems such as environmental and social issues, government should take some action to encourage them to other smaller region to reduce city stress and maintain region balance.  
  
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My target band score is 7. I really need your helps to improve. Thank you.
@Jealynn  
Welcome! I hope that this feedback gives you an idea of how to improve your writing.  
  
Be more specific. In your first paragraph, what are the difficulties? While you are going to expound on these details on the body paragraphs themselves, a briefing of what these are would create more structure and dimension to the writing.  
  
The construction of your sentences can be a bit baffling at times too. If we take a look at the second sentence of the second paragraph, the phrase midway is out-of-place. Try to stick with less complex sentences when they're not necessary, especially since accuracy plays a heavier role in your composition than how "complex" it all seems.  
  
Avoid giving examples in the last sentence of a paragraph, especially since this part should be dedicated to concluding the information.
Organize sentences structure with appropriate verb in use more carefully. Like the phrase 'have been witnessed' should be 'have witnessed' just like verb 'happen' should not be passive since what you are going to say is 'several difficulties have happened or happen / have witnessed or witness. Verb 'analyze' is also uncommon in describing your ideas in writing task 2. Stance or position is inexplicit with poor thesis statement. Even you have used some bridging phrases, relating to the coherence and cohesive some ideas have not been presented well. It is better to focus on one idea and support with proper definition as well as related example that can visualized your topic sentence. In what way government could encourage immigration activity should be stated clearly. Narrowing your idea would be much better rather than adding new one.  
  
I hope this could help your writing
## usage of sunlight energy for heating

  
  
A process of solar-powered water heating system cycling is illustrated in the figure based on location options from several stages.  
  
From the initial stages, solar panels ideal is the position angle to the sun with approximately 90%. Afterward, the advantage of these solar panels which located on the rooftop that makes more practice and efficiently while the drawback of that one of those is difficult to clean and fix, but it would be nice if the south-facing position makes it easy to get sunlight and put above ground level. Then thus should are not be obstructed by trees.  
  
A detailed look at more clearly in the previous comparison on the diagram is supplied in many steps. First, solar panels energy is easy to take energy from the sun, controlling by indicator pumps to operate the electricity. Also, supplying electric power before through the thermal fluid to drain water. Ultimately, a heating coil in the passing water tank before passing cold water, then it would be taken out to taps and showers.  
  
Overall, although the starting process with the extraction of energy from sunlight, eventually, showing how to link domestic electricity to the external power supply.  
  
*   
*process*