dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*Merged:*  ## Writing a summary on 2 news articles about obesity (revised)

  
  
I have revised my summary as much as I can with the suggestions given to me. I hope I can get one last feedback on it. I am just looking to see if I've made any improvements not perfection (If it turns out perfect, that would be great). By the way, the second article given to me has "a Daily Mail Reporter" as the author, but it is the same article as the one I posted on my previous post.  
  
Requirement: 100-300 words  
  
The article "Obesity Can Trim 10 Years Off Life" (2009) by Nanci Hellmich warns that obesity shortens life. A scientific analysis, organized by Oxford University researchers, of longitudinal studies on approximately 900,000 adults in America or Western Europe and 70,000 deaths reveals the close association between body mass index (BMI) and mortalities; its findings range from a year of life lost for those with a BMI between 25 and 29.9 to as much as a decade lost for those whose BMIs are well beyond 30. Among the researchers, Gary Whitlock, also an epidemiologist, explains that the main causes of early death in obese individuals are heart disease and stroke. Michael Thun, former vice president of epidemiological research at the American Cancer Society, alerts readers that obesity is an expanding serious health threat and advises immediate actions.  
  
Underactivity and overconsumption are believed to be responsible for the obesity epidemic, but new research, conducted by Australian scientists at Deakin University, presented in the article "Too Many Calories Are to Blame For Obesity Surge, Not Lack of Exercise, Claim Scientists" (2009) by a Daily Mail reporter suggests that the latter is the cause. The study involves 1,399 adults and 963 children, which professor Boyd Swinburn, the leading researcher, believes to be representative to other populations in similar developed countries like the US. Scientists use data from the sample to predict the weight gained by Americans, which is then compared to actual data from primary sources in a 30-year period. The result shows that prediction is greater than actual weight increase suggesting that Americans may have been more active in the past 30-years. Despite changes in physical activity, obesity persists and worsens. Swinburn recommends in its conclusion that existing and potential health policies should focus on reducing daily calorie intake.  
  
296 words.  
  
Once again, thank you very much.
some of your minor mistakes:  
and I haven't written ~~in~~ years: there is a wrong preposition usage here. Replace "in" by "for" when using present perfect.  
1st paragraph: overweight, ~~obese~~ or very obese: Though it is just a minor mistake but you should take into consideration. It seems that this sentence contains a series of three or more words, phrases,...Consider inserting a coma to separate the elements: "overweight, obese, or very obese..."
**Topic:  
*Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for the achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people.*  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
In the modern world where celebrity culture is pervasive and slowly becoming the norm in highly developed metropolitan areas, there is a phenomenon, decried by traditionalists as "superficial and harmful", that is "famous for being famous". In other words, this means the state of being well-known, sometimes internationally, not for one's accomplishments but for publicity stunts and associations with the celebrity world. Personally, I have a balanced and nuanced view on whether this has a negative influence on younger generations.  
  
First and foremost, being famous for one's glamour, wealth and personal connections might overemphasize the importance of one's outward appearance over inner strengths and talents. This can lead people astray as beauty fades and one's contributions to the society are what truly last and make an impact. Moreover, to always maintain a presentable exterior, portray a larger-than-life personality and lead a lavish lifestyle requires a lot of resources which are usually not sustainable and accessible to the aspiring youngsters. Therefore, the extra borrowing to cover the costs might plunge these individuals into financial and emotional distress.  
  
However, celebrity status, regardless of whether that comes from achievements or stunts, does confer benefits to holders of such status and is indicative of the greater, overarching society. It is common knowledge that viral Instagrammers or Hollywood socialites are now earning 6-figure amounts for each post on social media. In addition, the fame and social connections which follow, more often than not, compensate for the initial investments and bring long-term non-monetary benefits, such as finding a wealthy spouse or wielding political power. These unsaid and unwritten bonuses are also driving forces behind the celebrity culture in many economic, financial and cultural centers of the world today.  
  
In summary, I believe that the state of being a celebrity, even without personal excellence, provides tremendous benefits for status holders. This explains the current trend of "famous for being famous" that is prevalent across social media and global metropolises.  
  
*(Start: 9:34, end: 10:01, 4 October 2022, total time: 27 minutes, 324 words)*  
Cao Nguyên Cường  
Writer's note: I would greatly appreciate it if you could grade my writing and provide recommendations. Thanks.
Scoring is a private service that you will have to contact me for via the email address listed below. The essay will not receive a passing score anyway since the writer did not provide the required single opinion discussion a required. So scoring this essay individually, even in private will be a futile exercise. All because the writer misunderstood the prompt instruction and therefore, did not meet the task discussion requirements.  
  
The main reason for the failing score is simple, this is a single opinion essay, not a comparative one that allows for a nuanced and balance discussion presentation. The guide question is clear, pick one measured opinion side to discuss in the essay and explain why that opinion should be considered acceptable or correct. By setting up his own discussion question and personal response consideration, he changed the discussion topic, as well as the response requirement and therefore, no longer provided an applicable discussion format / presentation.  
  
When it is clear that the test taker did not understand what the writing requirement for the test is, the quickness by which he wrote the essay, the number of words that were used, even the vocabulary become moot. These will not help him pass the test for any reason.
## Factors when choosing a job

  
  
The idea is that salary is the priority when people choose a job. In my opinion, salary is essential, however, there are some other factors that should be considered before applying for a job.  
  
On the one hand, people try their best to make more money to improve their personal life. the higher the salary they earn, the better living standard they have. With a satisfactory level of wages, employees can have enough money for regular payments such as house rent, car, gas, electricity invoice or luxury trips on vacations. Besides, salary is also a motivation for showing employee's better performance at work. People become more productive when employers give them perks or salary increase policies.  
  
On the other hand, besides salary, job consideration must consist of two other factors. Firstly, job satisfaction is very important when choosing a job. People doing jobs with high salaries but lack passion and pleasure are often easy under a lot of pressure. This may lead to serious problems with their physical and mental health in the long term. Secondly, people should consider the development opportunities they can get from their job. With high positions in the company, people can receive high salaries and attractive benefit packages which boost them to work harder to be better versions of themself.  
  
In conclusion, while I accept that salary is a must-have factor when people seek a job, I believe that others should be considered for getting ideal occupations.
The main reason that this essay will receive a failing score is that the writer delivered less than the required 250 words. At only 240+ words, there will be corresponding task accuracy percentage score deduction. These deductions will be applied to the pre-scoring section so the essay will start receiving scores for the other sections from a handicap. The essay will have to overcome the failing score it was already given which, based on the remaining errors that I see in this presentation, will not be insurmountable in the end.  
  
The expected discussion format was to be based on an extent response to the agree or disagree question. The writer did not provide the correct response to the question, which led to an incorrect overall discussion presentation as well. So these mistakes will show that the writer did not understand the discussion instructions. This will lead to an incorrect presentation which will result in a failing C+C score as well. So the only portion that the writer might get a passing score in are the LR and GRA sections. However, he did not do very well in those sections either so it will not help increase the score from failing either.  
  
It will be best for the writer to review the available examples for these discussion types that are available at this forum. Learn how to approach the essay properly based on lessons that can be learned from his personal mistakes and the mistakes of others. I find that students learn best that way. They get a better insight with regards to the essay discussion expectations and scoring considerations.
**Question:**  
  
## Success is often measured by wealth and material belongings.

  
***Do you think wealth the best measure of success? What makes a successful person?***  
  
**Essay:**  
  
It is widely believe that the key criteria of success is money and property. Personally, I completely disagree with this statement since wealth is just a minor/ small part of the overall picture of success, and it should be measured by one's achievements and happiness.  
  
**To begin with**, there are considerable number of upper-class people gradually losing their inherent happiness. **In other words,** despite  
possessing materialistic things and huge wealth, those who take responsibility for dealing with a number of problem in their entrepreneurs could not spend time on taking care of their family. Recent marriage survey conducted in America has shown that over 40% of wealthy couples do not have a sense of happiness since the breadwinners rarely have dinner in their family, instead, they would have ones with their colleagues and partners due to the busy nature of work. **In the long run**, this would pose an invisible distance between family members, which is the main cause behind the blurs and rift of family relationship or even divorces  
  
**Besides,** there are several objective aspects for the consideration of one's success.**First and foremost**, success should be gauged through one's accomplishments and performance. **For example**, Bill Gates who is a worldwide well-known businessman, investor and philanthropist shared one of the biggest secrets for his success is his passion, diligence and inquisitiveness in work. This extraordinary person, as a result, has achieve the goal of high sales that he set out for his corporation.**Secondly**,happiness are crucial factor for a person seeking success since this reflect people's mental life. Granted, a businessman who always live in a state of unhappiness, depression, self-deception abd guiltiness could not enjoy the fruit of their labor and a comfortable life, and thus all of their efforts and success so far have been in vain. **Therefore,**in order to become successful, people first should look for their own happiness.  
  
In summary, while some maintain that the best measure of success is material wealth and belongings, however, I believe that achievements and happiness is by far the key criteria of success. From my perspective, upper-class people should make a contribution to the development of their nation instead of solely making profit for their company and themselves.
I completely disagree  
This is an incorrect response format. The answer provided is used for measured response questions. The writer should instead be offering a belief based response to the question. He also created an unrelated run-on sentence for his 2nd question response. the latter idea should have been the 3rd sentence in the presentation since it is the thesis presentation of the paragraph. A thesis statement is presented as a stand alone sentence within the related paragraph.  
  
inherent happiness  
Improper phrase usage. Inherent happiness refers to happiness that is inherited. The writer does not understand how to properly use this elementary word reference properly. It has disconnected the rest of the discussion from his topic sentence. This is definitely an LR and GRA score reducing error.  
  
While the writer does show a knowledge of how to properly use connecting words and linking words, his discussions do not always come across as clear and cohesive in the paragraph. This situation will keep on resulting in lower than expected scores. There is no need to over emphasize the fact that he is using connecting, linking, and transition words in his presentation because the scores that will help him pass the test are not based on that grammar usage consideration alone.
## school-leavers life adaptation

  
  
There are a plethora of people believe that it is vital for the young people, who left school to find a job, have their social knowledge and the capability to adjust with the developing world. I strongly support this opinion for these facts:  
  
To begin with, having knowledge about social issues can help you to be an excellent applicant. When a company recruits a person to apply for a position, they always find the one accumulating as much social knowledge as they could. To that end, they can easily solve the company's problems.  
  
Another pertinent point, the capability to adjust with the developing world can assist you to make all people meeting you in new companies have a good impression on you. Adjusting and socializing with your co-workers quickly when you have just entered the workplace will make your fellowships are willing to help you with your difficulties in the beginning.  
  
Last but not least, if you have aquadate knowledge that you need for your job and adapting as fast as you can, you will not be under pressure with workloads anymore. Adapting fast help you find the job is gripping and not boring in the first process. Duties that you are in charge of are easily dealt once you have a wide range of knowledge.  
  
In conclusion, it is crucial for the young people, who are school-leavers, to have their social knowledge and the capability to adjust with the developing world. Therefore, It can assist them to be successful in their career path.  
  
Thank you so much for helping me
Colon use in this essay is a problem. The writer used it in a paragraph without including related clauses are required for its proper use. There are no independent clauses presented nor is there a second clause that needs linking to the first clause. Therefore, the writer will be marked down severely in terms of GRA considerations. The lack of proper writer opinion presentation left the paragraph without a clearly developed summarized opinion presentation. That is an error that will result in a reduced TA score due to lack of opinion clarity, caused by an improper sentence structure.  
  
A general pronoun reference should be used in these discussion essays since the writer is not being asked to represent a personal opinion, just a general consideration. As such, third person group pronouns would be better used in this essay, if at all. It is actually possible to write this essay without the use of pronouns in the presentation.  
  
This is a 4 paragraph, rather than 5 paragraph essay format. Therefore, the writer has over stated his facts instead of strengthening his score by fully developing and explaining his 2 vital and connected reasons. The cohesiveness of the discussion points are actually lost due to the lack of connected reasoning considerations. Both the social knowledge and change adaptability need to be continously referenced in both paragraphs through connected ideas.
***In education and employment, some people work harder than others.***  
## Why do some people work harder?

  
  
Due to some reasons, barely any individuals like to put forth additional attempts at their establishments and working environments when contrasted with their friends. This essay will outline the cause. Moreover, from my perspective, this trend brings them a wide range of demerits.  
  
That working more harder is attributed to numerous reasons. First of all, a breathtaking career in future is the major motivator that drive them to outperform in their enviroment. For examble, in education, a high ability- degree is always an exceptional outcome which they archieved after not only a ponderous but also long progress, thus, they will be high rately employed in a well-known corparation. For employment, hardworking staffs simply are promoted to a higher position. Sencondly, in case of education, understudies are urged to invest additional amounts of energy into their educational plan. Since teachers are bound to see the value in such splendid kids, who have passing marks. By best performents, they are tent to have a well-point by instructors. In this way, really buckling down can give critical compensations to exceptionally energetic individuals.  
  
Continuing on, while enterprising nature is considered as a recipe that prompts achievement, exhaust could have adverse results. Outworking can lead to unwanted consequence such as inorgintg social activities. Especially, they can face some health problems as conspicuous as obesity, exhausted due to their duration they sit without movement or doing too much. Finally, that everyone all thinks that working hard is the only way that help them have opportunities to promote is a wrong concern in the age that almost evething can buy and do by pay money or relationship, therefore, it is a disadvantage for who try hard to archieve their wishes regardless of how industriousness they are.  
  
Taking everything into account, albeit difficult work can be helpful to have better review and fruitful profession, not every one of the outcomes of its have been positive.
The first paragraph does not focus on a proper restatement of the original topic. It fails to outline the response reasons as well. It does not establish a correct rewording and writer opinion that could be the basis of the English comprehension and preliminary response skills of the student in that paragraph.  
  
Reasons used in the essay tend to range from irrelevant to relevant. Since the reference phrase in the essay is "work harder", then the connotation is that it refers to a professional aspect of life rather than educational. Though both reasons are acceptable for the discussion, the paragraphs tend to be confusing and difficult to connect with one another since the topics covered diverge in the presentation and the writer makes no effort to connect the 2 in the consideration.  
  
A focus only on the reasons have been provided. The consideration as to whether is a good or bad thing is not effectively developed in the presentation. While several reasons as provided, these are not supported by discussion sentences that prove the point. So the paragraph does not come across as well thought out and developed.  
  
It is difficult to say that this essay will get a passing score consideration. Aside from the problems above, there is also the problem when it comes to the way he forms his sentences. While he has some useful English vocabulary, the way he uses his existing knowledge creates confusing idea presentations that make it difficult for the reader to understand what he is trying to convey. The ideas and presentation are often disconnected due to the grammar problem and leaves the reader confused about the overall presentation. The writer should focus on developing his English vocabulary and sentence writing skills before proceeding with his practice essays.
The second paragraph is somewhat weak and confusing. For example, the causality between hardworking and obesity is based on the assumption that working hard means inactivity or "doing too much". The following point is contradicting in which the writer states that we live in a time where everything can be bought with money, but that hard working is not the only way to make money. Examples of how else to achieve this may make this idea clearer. Moreover, the topic doesn't seem to ask to discuss the negative effects of working hard.  
  
These are my humble opinions, and I apologize for misinterpreting any ideas of the writer.
**Task 2: In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because they will be able to read everything they want without paying. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?**  
  
## paper books vs reading on online platforms

  
  
With the advent of technology, almost everything these days is available online including books. It is stated that paper editions will no longer be in anyone's interest assuming that people will have free access to any reading source in the future. From my perspective, although online papers do wonders to the reading market, I firmly believe that there are several unique features of paper books that cannot be replaced.  
  
On the one hand, the emergence of e-books or any sorts of online reading saves a great deal of time, space and money to read. To commence with, when read online, no cost is required for paper production, manufacturing and delivery services. Therefore, reading online helps save readers' money for these processes, not to mention the effects towards the environment by not exploiting wood and using fossil fuels for production and shipping. Another rationale proving that reading online is a great invention is that people can literally read almost anywhere they want owing to the portable size of technological devices used for online reading. Instead of carrying kilograms of paper books or magazines to schools, libraries and so on, online readers can update the news or read their unfinished novel on their screens. This enables them to read even on the bus, train or in the park without having to carry a thousand-page book in their hands.  
  
On the other hand, great as online reading may be, printed editions cannot be altered due to the sense it brings to a great many people and its impacts on human's vision compared to online reading. The first key factor is that a multitude of readers prefer buying books not only because they collect the pieces they have read for fun or that they want to see their progress but they also enjoy the paper's smell and the realistic feel of touching the books. To exemplify, a great many people find it harder to concentrate on reading online since they are not used to scrolling the screen to keep track of their reading as well as that they prefer the woody scent of paper, which excites them whenever they purchase a new book. Moreover, for some people, blue lights from screens can make their eyes tired more quickly than when they use paper, resulting in common eye diseases such as short-sighted or dry eyes.  
  
To encapsulate, although reading on online platforms is beneficial in some ways, paper books still have irreplaceable impact on many readers.