dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Rio, your thesis statement is not very clear. You make a statement of fact within the paragraph without an indication of the statement of the problem. We already know that overworked doctors tend to make mistakes on the job. The question thesis statement should be "In as much as sleep deprivation causes doctors to make mistakes on the job, there is still no clear understanding as to why sleep deprivation affects the motor, sensory, and analytical capacity of medical practitioners. This essay will try to understand how these performance faculties are affected and why among tired doctors."  
  
You need to learn how to properly present in-text citations in your essay. As much as possible, do not present two quotes within one paragraph as that creates a solely quoted paragraph instead of a restated paragraph. That might be flagged by the plagiarism checker of your professor. When you write the reference to citations, make sure that the reader will be clear about where your voice starts in the essay and when it transitions into the quotation. Words such as "According to" or "Based upon my understanding of the work by" can help in differentiating your thoughts from that of the quoted material. Right now, these seem to be combined in your presentation.
## consumption of fast food in australia

  
  
*The line chart below gives information about the quantity and the type of junk food eaten by Australian adolescents between 1975 and 2000.  
  
All in all, Pizza and Hamburgers had a similar profile as they continue to rise sharply till finally reached constant value. Conversely, Fish and Chicken had fluctuated line until nearly 1983 when they plunged suddenly.  
  
It's remarkable that Pizza profile started and continued in rising at the beginning with Hamburger's got higher extent in distribution between Australian teenagers. For instance, in 1980 teenagers had eaten pizza reached almost 20 times a year while hamburger consumption was nearly 63 times per year. However, both had increased till around 83 for Pizza and 100 times eaten per year for Hamburgers then stopped rising, this was in nearly 1990.  
  
On the other hand, the Fish and Chips was the most popular amongst other fast food mentioned previously as it peaked in around 1972 to reach 100 times eaten per year. In spite of this, the line became fluctuated to fall in about 1980 then the last peak was nearly in 1983 just below 100 times. After all, the popularity of this kind of snacks had fallen steeply to reach its lowest point in around 2000.*  
  
*
Amjad, the essay that you wrote could have been better if you had followed the format requirements for the summary overview. Rather than writing two separate short sentences at the start, you should have instead, combined that information into the first paragraph. It could have been combined because the information provided is an accurate overview of the forthcoming discussion. Thus, you would have created a clear outline for the discussion paragraphs. One of the strong points of this essay is the fact that you clearly analyzed all of the provided information. This is reflected in the way that you were able to make an acceptable assumption regarding the consumption of Pizza at 83 when the graph did not clearly make a reference to digits. This shows that you can properly analyze the essay even in the English language. Your presentation is very good. Save for that one problem at the start of the essay, I do not see why this cannot earn you a score of 6 or 7.
Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.  
  
## Child - School - Reasoning

  
  
The debate over whether children should be taught about moral lessons in a domestic or external environment has attracted international attention among both the professional and non-professional. While family upbringing, as supported by many, is an important contributor to a child's mannerism, the strong influence that schools have on the young generation cannot be ignored. In the essay, I would like to discuss both sides of the argument before presenting my own opinion.  
  
Those in favour of parental guidance on the proper behavioural tendency of a child propose a convincing line of reasoning. It is argued that since parents have been in close proximity of their children for a long time, they are more capable of instilling moral precepts in the young mind. Small children have a propensity to imitate behaviours of adult members in the family. Therefore, those brought up in homes where parents conduct in an appropriate manner are likely to mature into ethical citizens. Moreover, parents are in a better position to correct their children wrongful behaviours from the very beginning by imposing punishments or giving invaluable advice, thus preventing any potential unlawful acts conducted by them in the future.  
  
However, ideas outlined above are not supported by some who subscribe to the notion that schools should be mainly responsible for producing good members of the society. According to their point of view, children cannot forever live under parental protection and have to enter a whole new world at some point in their life. Education institutions will serve as a platform where children begin to make social contact with people from different backgrounds, through which they will develop many social skills and learn how to behave in an acceptable way. Furthermore, once entering the education system, a child must follow the regulations set by the school as well as obey his teachers' instructions. This will shape the conducting pattern in the young, supplying them with adequate necessary tools to step into the society.  
  
After considering both views, I am convinced that a joint effort by domestic and school education is essential for the development of desirable personality traits among the young.  
  
please help me with this essay. suspended for useless thread title.
Nguyen, the opening statement which is supposed to be a paraphrasing of the original prompt is not very clear. The original prompt is related to the method by which a child can be taught to be a good member of society. Your restatement is all about the moral lessons that should be taught to a child. Teaching a moral lesson is not the same as teaching a child how to be a good member of society. A moral lesson is learned or taught after a mistake is made. Teaching a child to be a good member of society is taught on a continual basis, regardless of whether or not a mistake was made by the child. Your personal opinion must never be part of a conclusion. It should be a separate paragraph that is supported by evidence that will convince the reader of your stand on the given topic. The conclusion should only restate the prompt, the two sides discussed, and finally, a short representation of your personal opinion to close the essay. Based on these observations, the score of your essay will not be more than 4.
## What you wear is who you are

  
  
There is an old saying in China that "horses rely on their saddles while people rely on their clothes". I have three statement for approving that different clothes influence on the way people behave: first of all according to different occasions we choose different clothes, Second clothes may determine the activities or jobs we undertake and at last sometimes our feeling is the one that decide what we should we were.  
  
While it is true that people may undertake different activity although they are wearing the same kind of clothes everywhere and their basic behavior won't change. It must also recognized that we choose different cloth for different cloths. While you cannot always dress in your best every minute of the day, you should dress for the occasion, activity or setting. What may be appropriate for a picnic (shorts or blouse) is not when dining at an upscale restaurant. Pajamas are great to sleep in, but wearing such clothing in public should not be done. Jeans and T-shirts are fine for hanging out but aren't for every occasion.  
  
Although many people claim that since we are an independent human being, our minds which decide our behavior should be independent too. One can also argue that we are expected to behave in a particular way when we are wearing particularly kind of clothes. When someone wears the costume of a king, he will start to behave differently. This liability restricts the king to behave like ordinary people. If the king start to behave like ordinary people, others will make fun of him and it can cause the country to collapse. On the other hand if king show royalty, people completely obey him.  
  
Some people believe that society expect us to behave like "ladies and gentlemen" in formal situations, and it is needed for us to conform to the norms of society. It can also be argued that we have the right to choose our clothes, and we can wear what we like. We should be our own master instead of just following the norms and losing our own style, it was we who choose to wear different clothes, we can wear warm and colorful because we feel so happy and energetic to day or we may choose a hat instead of a pair of sun glasses for we thinks it is the fashion of today.  
  
To sum up, as I mentioned in the beginning, clothes are definitely the article that can control our behaviors. How we behave may change with clothes; in the other word, our conditions, feelings and activities have straightly influenced on the way of our clothing.
Saman, one of the policies of the forum is that you must include the prompt statement in your posting so that your essay can be accurately reviewed for compliance with the prompt requirements. That is more for the benefit of the other users here who may wish to assist you in reviewing your essay and not the contributor because I am highly familiar with the various prompts for various English tests. That said, I am going to tell you what the faults of this essay are.  
  
The first fault, is that there is no proper paraphrasing of the prompt statement. The first paragraph of a TOEFL test is meant to test your English comprehension skills. That is why you are required to deliver the topic for discussion in your own understanding. Simply relaying a Chinese proverb does not accomplish that task. You must always do your best to represent the original topic for discussion and the instructions for the discussion. You should not discuss the facts of your essay in the opening statement. The proper introduction for this would have been:  
  
*Some people believe that clothes dictate the way that a person behaves. Depending what a person a wearing, his clothes have the ability to influence the way that he conducts himself in a public setting. I strongly agree with this statement based on 3 well known and commonly accepted reasons. I will discuss these reasons below.*  
  
Your essay discussion is sound and acceptable. You have used accurate examples in the defense of your stance and offer the reader a chance to consider all of your reasons based upon the everyday applications and observations of the way people dress. There is a problem in your sentence development though. In paragraph 2 sentence 1, you created a hanging sentence. It does not have a complete though presentation because the end result of the thought you presented is unclear to the reader. Practice complete thought development at all times and review your essay sentences for coherence before submitting the essay for scoring.  
  
The conclusion is also problematic because of the way you presented it. Since the required sentence presentation is always a minimum of 3 and a maximum of 5, you must always practice using full stops with a period instead of presenting a continuous thought process with the use commas and semicolons.  
  
Even with these pre-existing mistakes in your essay, it will still probably get a decent score of 4 at the most, 3 at the least.
## the amount of energy produced in the usa

  
  
The charts provide information about the amount of energy produced by five important sources in America over the course of 10 years, beginning in 1980.  
Looking at the charts, it is immediately obvious that there was relatively little change in the proportions of the other fuels used to generate energy from 1980 to 1990, except for hydro. It is also noticed that Coal was the main source in both years.  
  
In 1980, 42% of energy production came from oil and the figure decreased to 25% in ten years latter. By contrast, the proportion of natural gas used as a source for manufacturing energy, which remained almost stable at 26% in 1980, with 25% in 1990. However, coal experienced a slight decrease from 22% in 1980 to 27% in 1990, which overtook the rate of natural gas.  
  
On the other hand, the amount of hydroelectric power remained constantly at 5% of the total in both years, which was its lowest point during the whole pie charts. Finally, in 1990, the nuclear power went up by 5% from the 1980 figure of 5%.  
  
*
Truong, there is a specific format that has to be followed when writing a summary essay for a lecturer. The tone needs to be more academic in nature and also, provides a respectful deference towards the target reader. Therefore, the opening sentence for this essay should have sounded something like this:  
  
*America consumes energy coming from 5 different sources. In order to better understand the method by which the country consumes power, one must first analyze the amount of energy consumed per resource. This essay shall shed light on the five sources of power, making percentage comparisons where necessary for energy consumed during the decades of 1980 and 1990 using 2 previously provided pie charts.*  
  
Note, the academic research tone of the opening statement. Since this paper is to be presented to a university lecturer, a clear thesis statement and outline of discussion, plus the preliminary sources of information must be provided. Consider this sort of a thesis statement presentation. The academic tone must be consistent throughout the essay and also, clearly discuss the sources of energy in a chronological manner, either from biggest to smallest or smallest to biggest. The comparisons are necessary whenever the gap between uses of the same energy source is up to one percent in difference.  
  
Now, based upon the example given above, I am sure that you noticed the shortcoming of your summary statement. Make sure to pattern your future writing, regardless of the target audience, after the example above. The lecturer reader should be assumed in all of your writing in order to create a stronger summary statement every time. The same goes for your concluding sentence. It is short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. Always do your best to accurately divide the discussion topics so that you will not be left short of the required sentence count towards the end of the essay.  
  
The tone of your essay is also highly mechanical in nature. It is obvious that you only wanted to present the information provided, you did not want to delve deeper and give a more detailed analysis of the charts even though the opportunity to do so existed. I hate to say this but for every short cut you took and every mechanical detail you presented, I had to mark down your essay. The marking down reached the point where the overall score of your essay was reduced to a 5. The strongest reason for the markdown was the mechanical nature of your presentation and lack of presentation development when it came to the provided data.
***Hi Truong**, I have read your writing closely and found that you needed a few improvements.  
Firstly, harness proper linking words to keep cohesion of your writing. If you wanna display an overview, you can use an intro "Overall, it is important to note". Following that, your score is gonna fall down because you deliver the wrong information in the overview. You said that Coal is the main source although it clearly seemed that Oil is the primary source. Be careful of picking the data.  
  
Turning to your body paragraph, honestly your description is less interesting because you did not compare figures each other. On condition that you wanna get a high score, you are supposed to compare them. For example,  
  
"Initially, coal broke a record as the highest percentage of energy used in America, representing at 42%. Meanwhile, hydroelectric and nuclear power were only generated less than an eightieth of coal's percentage."  
  
Actually, your writing is a good job, but it's better if you display comparisons in each paragraph and deliver a variety of vocabulary to get the high score  
  
Hopefully, my corrections can finalize your writing.  
GOOD LUCK*
## cinema visitors in great britain

  
  
The line graph given compares four age groups of people (7-14, 15-24, 25-35 and over 35 years old) in terms of going to movie theater in Great Britain from 1984 to 2000. Overall, there was a general increase in all four groups over the 16-year period, despite some fluctuations. The figure of 15 to 24 years old group remained the highest in the most years while the porportion of aldults over 35 years old accounted the smallest.  
  
In 1984, the number of teenagers from 15 to 24 attended cinema activities stood at approximately 16% and then this number rose up to around 32% in 1990s. Before reaching the peak of nearly 60% in 1999, there was dramatical fluctuations from 1990 to 1996, still below 50%. With the same trend, the porportion of chidlren from 7 to 14 years old underwent certain flutuations over the samilar period before 1990s and got the highest point over the whole line graph with almost 40% in 1998 and then dropped down to below 30%.  
  
It can be seen from the graph that the figure of young aldults in 25-35 years old group varied less significant than two above groups. This figure stood at around 5% in 1984 and with some slight fluctuations and finally increased to below 30%. In contrast, the proportion of people over 35 years old increased steadily throughout the period of 16 years old form about 3% to 14% in 2000.  
  
*
Tran, I wonder if you were not provided with the prompt description and requirements for the discussion regarding the graph. Normally, the statement overview requires a paraphrasing of the original instructions and topic for discussion, without the presentation of any actual facts and figures from the chart immediately. Since your essay did not follow this format, I am not sure if you accomplished that part of the task properly. Having said that, I will disregard the fact that I have some doubts about the first paragraph. Without that consideration, this essay can easily score a 7(in my opinion) because of the accuracy of your factual presentation and your English writing abilities, all considered. Your score would have been improved if you had used more full sentences instead of using connecting words such as "and" in the essay. Try to learn how to develop short but concise and informative sentences that do not rely on repetitive presentations and connecting words in order to show a higher level of English vocabulary and grammar abilities. Good job on this essay just the same. It is one of the best that I have read here.
**Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.  
  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
## to continue study or not

  
  
High school leavers are often presented with a puzzling choice of whether to embark on a third-level education or land a job immediately. While people in favour of the former point of view are in the belief that authentic knowledge and skills acquired in university lay groundwork for one's successful careers, entering the job market right after graduation are not without its merits. In this essay, I would like to examine both sides of the argument before reaching a reasonable conclusion  
  
On the one hand, there are definite beneficial aspects of receiving higher education. First of all, those who espouse the idea of enrolling in a college or university are positioning themselves for better employment opportunities. This is mainly due to the fact that on entering a tertiary institution, learners can get access to a professional teaching staff that is rich in experience and expertise, thus allowing themselves to absorb abstruse learning concept more efficiently. Besides, a university degree is a requisite for the majority of occupations in the modern world, without which one could not aspire to secure a highly-paid position in a company. Secondly, since many third-level institutions offer field trips or include the internship as a study component, students can get valuable first-hand experience during their university life and make improvement so as to be more competitive and competent in the future industry.  
  
On the other hand, individuals reap a wide range of benefits if launching a career without applying for third-year education. Firstly, getting a salary will mean that one does not have to depend on one's parents for financial support. For example, a youngster can easily fulfil her daily basic needs such as food or clothes as well as satisfy other entertainment pursuits, namely shopping and seeing a movie without any financial constraints. Moreover, entering the job market undoubtedly expose a person to the real world. To put it more clearly, one will have to make regular contacts with people from different backgrounds, and that will not only enrich one's own experience in terms of social and interpersonal skills but also toughen one for any unfortunate events that might happen.  
  
To sum up, benefits accruing to both sides of the argument are overwhelming. However, it is advisable for young adults to consider carefully before arriving at the final decision which can have a long-lasting impact on their future life.
Nguyen, you almost got the opening paraphrasing of the instructions completely right. You made a mistake when you said that you come to a conclusion about the topic instead of saying that you were going to offer your personal opinion on the topic. The personal opinion is the instruction given by the original prompt and is what you should have presented towards the end of the essay. You are not expected to come to a conclusion, which translates into a decision about the topic provided because your role here is merely to inform the reader, not make a decision for them. So you your approach to the essay discussion is partly in error. As for your discussion proper, there are a few improvements that need to be made in your future essays since you made the mistakes in this essay.  
  
You are given only a limited time with which you develop a draft and finalize your essay. Therefore, you must always concentrate on delivering the strongest possible argument for your discussion. As such, you should never present more than one, fully developed and discussed line of reasoning per paragraph. Delivering small reasons, such as you did in this essay, without allowing enough space for proper defense and development of the opinion results in a less informative essay. It is imperative that you present your strongest discussion, even if based only upon one fact. That is because it is not the number of reasons that are being counted here, but your ability to defend or oppose a given statement in a coherent and cohesive English based approach.  
  
The conclusion is definitely faulty because you failed to present a personal opinion prior to the conclusion of the essay. Since the instructions are clear about you discussing two sides and then giving your personal opinion, you cannot claim that the whole essay is based upon your personal opinion. These are the major reasons that your final score has to be a low 4.