dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Just a few questions that when answered will strengthen what has been written. What do you mean by "While the creativity of the young blows new air to any business projects,"? Clarify this statement.  
  
Paragragh two is very strong. Elaborate on the advantages of senior and younger people sharing ideas. Two or three examples would be beneficial since you own a company with people in this age group. The paper is good but could be made stronger by adding a few more examples.
## Air pollution - the impact of external factors on human health

  
  
Air pollution has a significant impact on people's respiratory system, especially emissions from transport vehicles, which are very harmful to the lungs. In addition, fine dust is the most dangerous pollutant because it exists for a long time in the air and disperses very far. Because of its small size, if it penetrates deep into the lungs and blood it will cause diseases such as respiratory disease, infertility. Air pollution also makes people tired to experience dizziness, headaches, and heart problems. Each target group will be affected differently depending on health status and pollution levels but the most affected people are the elderly, pregnant women, sick person, children under 15 years old.  
  
In addition, heat waves or noise also cause certain harm to people. Noise is more likely to cause injury to the ear but also causes headaches, stress, nervous stress.
Hy @Linda68  
  
Your ideas overall are good, you only need to make it well-organized  
  
1. especially ~~emissions from~~ transport vehicles, which ~~are very harmful~~ to the lung: especially substances coming from vehicles emissions which severe attack to the lung.  
  
2. In my opinion, the fine dust still has a correlation with the first sentences, so the linking 'in addition' less appropriate  
I give some cohesive devices as examples, but you would be better to find your own style  
*This is because*  
*Why is this extremely dangerous?* Fine dust can exist a long time in the air and disperses very far due to its small size  
  
3. ... makes people experiencing dizziness, headaches, and heart problems.  
  
4. **In fact**, each target ... on health **condition** and pollution levels**,** but the elderly, pregnant women, *sick person* unhealty people, children under 15 years old are the most suffered victims
## travelling in the uk

  
  
The graph below shows the average number of UK commuters travelling each day by car, bus or train between 1970 and 2030.  
The line graph shows the figure for passengers using three different means of transport per day in the UK over a period of 60 years.  
In general, it is clear that the car is the most popular traffic throughout the period shown while the least favorite one is train.  
The number of people who travelled by car saw a sharp growth from 5 million to approximately 7.5 million between 1970 and 2020. This trend reflected in the train with 4 million travellers was recorded in 2018. In the same period, we can see that buses users fell gradually and reach a peak of 3.2 million commuters in 2020.  
  
By 2030, the number of commuters travelled by car is expected to reach almost 9 million, and the number of train users is also predicted to rise, to 5 million. By contrast, people who used buses are still estimated to decrease, with only nearly 3 million daily users.  
  
*
## pRACTICAL SKILLS versus THEORETICAL KNOWLEDGE

  
  
IN TODAY'S JOB MARKET IT IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT TO HAVE PRACTICAL SKILLS THAN THEORETICAL KNOWLEDGE. IN THE FUTURE, JOB APPLICANTS MAY NOT NEED ANY FORMAL QUALIFICATIONS.  
  
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?  
  
Nowadays, in this high competitive world, people need to prepare the essential skills in order to seize as many opportunities as possible, especially in the working environment. It is suggested that there is no need for personnel to have formal qualifications in the near future because sufficient practical skills may surpass the need for academic knowledge. I must take issue with this point of view as the lack of theoretical background may hinder us from doing our best job.  
  
Firstly, qualifications speak the volume of one's knowledge and ability to work, without them, employees may find it hard to complete the given tasks which reversely has negative influences on their work performance. For example, in order to fix a machine, a mechanic has to know the way it works inside out. Of course not having theoretical knowledge does not necessarily mean that we are limited in the every aspects of the work, but it is better to know the techniques and the reasoning of the whole thing. If we keep doing the job only by mimicking the predecessors or following our experience and the know-how, there will be no evolution or new ideas being made because we do not understand the the function of the system.  
  
Secondly, if qualifications are to be abolished, the intellectual level of people will be degraded as well. No one will be willing to attend or pay for academic classes as the qualifications they receive are no longer useful for their future carrier. Therefore, millions of children might drop out of school despite the fact that educational environment is ideal for them to learn social skills and enlarge their horizons. They will only focus on obtaining experiences for the job they like and this might lead to the increasing amount in child labour which is the last thing that governors want to see in their future generation.  
  
All things considered, the knowledge accumulated through books and teachers plays an important key in our life as we grow up as well as our work performances. Therefore, we should combine the two distinct approaches to learn and work in an appropriate way.
You have a tendency to drag your sentences. You can observe this even from the first sentence. You compress too much information into a single stream of thought. This stresses the readers. To avoid this, I suggest segregating your thoughts.  
  
I would, for example, phrase the sentence like this:  
Today's competitive world causes people to work on vital skills to enhance their job-seeking opportunities.  
Packaging your thoughts this way makes your thoughts clearer and easier to digest. It is straightforward.  
I also have a couple of key questions that could guide you in the content of your essay:  
1. In line with your first essay, could you say that there are indispensable fields of knowledge that cannot be fully replaced by practical skills?  
2. Is the educational system not pursuing enough innovative efforts to potentially move away from the traditional experiences?  
3. What particular qualifications do you think are necessary and which are not?  
4. Does your argument regarding child labor truly fall through? Most people would mention that the cause of child labor is not the demand for practical skills - rather it is because of poor labor and child protection laws in the country.  
  
These types of questions can be avoided through creating more concrete assessments of your arguments. Ensure that you have data to back your words. Insert examples into your essay to strengthen it.  
  
Lastly, your concluding paragraph also is hanging. You could discuss more why, in reference to your essay, you think the approaches are varied for a reason. Discuss why these two can co-exist. Discuss why they do not invalidate each other, rather why they support each other's purpose in the working environment.
Hi icebear24  
I think there is a conflict between these two sentences.  
'For example, in order to fix ... Of course not having theoretical knowledge ...'.  
  
The supporting sentence should strongly back the idea that a mechanic has to perfectly understand the machine system in order to fix it.  
My rework suggestion: 'Having a complete grasp of every single detail of how the machine functions will allow the mechanic to repair the malfunctioning parts in just one attempt.'  
  
The last sentence of your 1st body seems to be a different idea so put a discourse marker will make it easier to guide readers.
Hello guys, I just joined this forum.  
Right now I am an IELTS learner in English studio.  
So I decided to post one of my writing in this forum, I hope someone can give reviews for my essay.  
Thank you so much!  
  
## **Penalizing Offenders**

  
  
Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
  
Regulating sentence to be persistent for every case of crime has to be applied, this notion stated by certain communities, while the others' perspective explains that convict's determinations and conditions must be considered in penalizing the suspects. This writing tends to concur with the latter notion since it will reduce the frequency of wrong-targeted punishment, even, the former idea exerts deterrent effects.  
  
Fixed punishment might exert deterrent effects on the punished criminal. This is because this penalty allows citizens to rethink about committing crimes since even they do petty offenses, they still have to face the same conviction given to the one performing massive illegal acts. In addition, the condition happened to the offenders who have finished the damnation will give fear to the others. For instance, in Saudi Arabia, there is a single sentence for a person committing theft that is cutting hand for every offender. This condemnation makes the citizens do not want to do thievery. Still, this writing is in the opposite position of this notion since it will make the citizens think there is no justice in condemning villains.  
  
Considering the suspect's motivation and condition in choosing the punishment for the offenders will anticipate judges for making a wrong conclusion. The judges need more evidence for assuming what is the real fact happened in the scene of a crime. So, if judges examine the villains' determination and circumstances, they will not make a wrong-targeted penalty. For example, in Texas, in 2004, Cameron Todd was executed because he was accused of killing his three daughters. The court stated that he murdered them by burning his house but the new analysis proved that the house was burned accidentally. This essay strongly agrees with this notion, as there are numerous cases like what Cameron faced.  
  
In summary, even persistent punishment can exert the deterrent effects on the villains, wrong-targeted condemnation can only be solved by accounting the situations and determination of the offenders.
Welcome to the forum!  
I have a couple of key suggestions to your essay.  
Avoid dragging your sentences. You can create a better rhythm and structure overall for your essay through *shortening your sentences*. Omit what you can omit.  
  
Take, for instance, the first sentence of the essay. I would have rewritten it as:  
There are two angles when it comes to sentencing: fixed punishments and flexibly determined case studies.  
Your sentence structure also is quite loose. What I mean is that you have a tendency to let your thoughts continuously flow without using guidelines. You should as well be wary of your verb and tense usage.  
  
For instance, let's revise the last sentences of your second paragraph:  
For instance, Saudi Arabia punishes theives by cutting off their hands. It is said that this deters people from committing the crime. Still, there are people who posit in opposition because they believe it is unjust to implement this.  
  
There were other smaller mistakes sprinkled throughout the essay. For instance, "wrong-targeted" is not a word that would entice people to listen. You could say that it is a ***wrongfully placed penalty*** instead as this is more formal than the former.  
  
The summation can be enhanced as well by adding more details. Conclude your essay through talking about how flexibility in punishments paves way for*a more an equalized approach to the justice system*.
## adult people who use internet in the uk

  
  
The table compares England adults in different age groups in terms of the use of internet on a daily basis between 2003 and 2006.  
  
It is clear that a considerably larger percentage of young adults used the internet everyday throughout the period shown, while there were the least proportion of older people who had access to internet on a daily basis.  
  
In 2003, the frequent internet users were young adults aged 16 to 24, with the figure standing at 80% before reaching a peak of 100% in 2005. By contrast, there was only 15 % of older people aged 65 and over who had a daily access to internet in 2003, and this figure rose gradually to 19% in 2006.  
  
By 2006, the percentage of people between 25 and 44 years old using the internet had increased by average 10% every year from 50 % in 2003. The increase trend can also be seen in the figures for internet users aged 25 to 44 and 45 to 54, rising by 30% and 17% respectively at the end of the period.  
  
*
@yanhong  
I suggest moving your second paragraph to the last portion of the essay. The text was pertaining to a conclusion, however you had not presented the data yet. It would be better if you expound on this first to create a structured inductive method of essay writing. You should as well try to omit unnecessary words.  
  
If I were you, this is how I would have written it:  
A considerably large percentage of young adults use the internet in the periods shown. In contrast, there were less older people who accessed the internet daily.  
  
This is a more straightforward approach than needing to stretch your sentences. Dragging your sentences unnecessarily can  
I would also suggest that you change the way in which you transition your paragraphs. Let's take into consideration your third paragraph. I would have phrased the first sentence as this:  
  
Aged 16 to 24 occupied an 80% percentage of internet users in 2003. This led to a peak of 100% in 2005.  
This removes redundant words and punctuation. If you streamline your words and arrangement, it will create a better structure overall for your essay.  
Check as well your usage of articles. There were instances wherein you could have omitted them to better the flow but had still used them.
Hello everyone, could you give me some comments and probably the score of it? Thanks in advance!  
Because I can't post an image here so I give a link below.  
  
## support in US dollars for technology in developing countries

  
  
*Topic: the table shows the amount of money given in aid of technology of developing countries by charities in the US, EU and other countries from 2006 to 2010.*  
  
The given graph illustrates how much money US, EU and other countries support technology of developing countries between 2006 and 2010 in term of billions USD.  
  
Overall, money from these countries aiding to technological development was increased. Also, the figure for US was the highest during the period shown.  
  
In 2006, the amount of money given in the technology aid of US was 9.7 billion USD. Over the next four years, there was a significant growth in the figure for US and reaching its peak of 22.7 billion in 2010. During the period shown, the total money donation of 2010 was 30 billion USD, which was nearly two times as much as that of 2006.  
  
Meanwhile, the donations of EU and other countries were similar and steadily increased from 2006 to 2008. In 2009, however, the level of technological aid of other contries considerably decreased to 2.6 billion. Moreover, the figure for EU countries also slightly dropped to 3.7 billion USD in 2009 before going up to 4.0 billion in the last.  
  
*   
*chart*
Hello nhinhi123  
  
Your structure is similar to the one given on ieltsmaterial so overall, the information breakdown is sufficient.  
You should pay attention to minor spelling and word choice. For example, 'in TERMS of ~~billions~~ USD'.  
  
If you noticed, the amount of financial support from the US not only was the highest throughout the period but also increased substantially and rapidly compared to the money from the other groups of countries.  
  
There was a slight drop in the donation of EU countries in 2009 that you can also mention.  
  
I think your writing is worth a good band score. Keep up the good work.
*Some parents believe that children should not waste time by reading entertainment books, but instead they should spend time to read educational books only. What is your opinion about this?*  
  
## children should read a wild range of books

  
  
People tend to develop different viewpoints toward to question on the type of books that children should read. Some people believe that children should spend their time reading educational books exclusively to acquire useful knowledge. Other, however, claim that children should also read books for entertainment purpose. Personally, I find myself in the same place as the latter one for the following reasons.  
  
Firstly, reading books for entertainment brings children a myriad of advantageous in term of stress relief from school works. It is undeniable that children nowadays are lacks of entertainment options to relax after schools. Therefore, reading comics will assist children in relieving stress and achieving school-life balance. Moreover, reading books a more advantageous form of entertainment for children in compare to, for example, watching television. Reading book offers a great help in promoting children's imagination. Instead of having situation presented in pictures, children will imagine it themselves as they read book.  
  
Secondly, reading books as an entertainment option paves the way for children to adopt positive personal traits. Given the fact that children can enjoy more happiness when reading books for amusement, they will grow into happy and fulfilled adults. In addition, children can learn a wide range of humorous stories from entertainments books. This allows children to engage other people in their conversation and therefore, improve their communication skills.  
  
From all aforementioned advantageous, I am strongly convinced that children should be encouraged to read a wild range of books including entertainment ones. Not only help children to relax, reading books for entertainments is useful to develop children's imagination as well as soft skills.
Hi!  
This is a nicely developed essay. However, there are some patterns you need to take note of and try not to repeat again. Hope my suggestions help  
  
... viewpoints toward to question ... Other, however, ... Personally, ... as the latter one for ...  
  
- wrong use of grammar  
  
... Moreover, reading books a ... in compare to, for example, watching television. Reading book offers a great help in promoting children's imagination. Instead of having situation presented in ... as they read book.  
  
- word misuse  
  
- grammatical errors  
  
- lack of article  
  
... stories from entertainments books. ... people in their conversation and ...  
  
- plural/singular confusion  
  
From all aforementioned advantageous, I am ... Not only help children to relax, reading books ...  
  
- vocabulary misuse  
  
- grammatical errors
@anhpnguyen  
Hi, the structure of this essay looks fine, but there are some areas that you still need to improve. Some sentences sounds unnatural and do not follow the right grammatical rules。 For example, the first sentence in the first paragraph can be written in a more precise way, like: People have different views about what kinds of books that children should read. There are various typos in the essay, like" myraid". In the first body graph, the sentence" it is undeniable..." is too strong. Are you 100 % sure that children don't have more options to entertain nowadays?.  
  
When you try to give an example by using the phrase like for example, should remember to present a whole sentence rather than a phrase.  
  
I hope these suggestions may be helpful:)
## Many museums charge for admission while others are free

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***Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
Towards the issue of whether museums should charge for entrance fee, people often develop different viewpoints. While there are good arguments in favour of letting visitors enter museums for free, I find myself more inclined to the idea that museums should collect entrance fee.  
  
Firstly, there are good reasons why a sizeable number of people believe that entrance fee brings more harm than good to museums. As visitors are charged for admission to enter museums, the number of visitors will significantly decrease. As a result, entrance fee discourages people to visit museums to acquire useful knowledge and skill. From museum's perspective, it fails to achieve one of its objectives to educate people. Moreover, museums often receive funding from the government to operate. As selling tickets bring in money, museums may no longer receive this government funding.  
  
Despite aforementioned disadvantageous, I am convinced that the entrance fee brings about a myriad of advantageous to museums. First, the amount of money collected from entrance fee will assist museums in acquiring exhibits. The updates of exhibits will attract visitors to return to the museums. Secondly, museums can have money to invest in operational activities including buying new equipment or cleaning services. Having visited many museums myself, I have learnt that museums which charge for admission are better than those that do not sell tickets in term of equipment and clean atmosphere.  
  
In summary, although it is undeniable that entrance ticket potentially results in the decrease in number of visitors, I am of the opinion that museums should apply entrance fee to operate more effectively
Your essay is constructed nicely for an argumentative one. Let's look at a couple of possible revisions to enhance it.  
I suggest revising your first line. If you reread it, there's an unnatural tone to it. It would be better if you had switched the structure - do the subject first before you introduce your predicate. This will make the writing more organic.  
  
If I were you, I would phrase it like this:  
People have varying viewpoints when speaking of whether it is appropriate or not for museums to charge an entrance fee.  
To get better at this skill, I highly recommend reading your essay out loud. This will make you grasp if a text would roll off your tongue smoothly - or would merely be dragging. If it's the latter, consider revising.  
  
Proceeding to your second paragraph, the third line can come off as off-putting. What specific skill and knowledge are you referring to that people would "acquire" from visiting? Delving into specifics can help. Perhaps you can tackle cultural intelligence acquisition from visiting these areas.  
  
You may also add more details to your summation. Talk a bit more about the comparatives.
Here are some slightly revised sentences I would suggest, using asterisks to indicate specific words changed:  
  
In the first line of your first paragraph, "should charge entrance fees\* ".  
  
Later in the second paragraph, "entrance fees\* discourage\* people from\* visiting\* museums to ... and skills\*. From the\* museum's perspective" .  
  
At the end of the second paragraph, "as selling tickets brings\* money in" .  
  
At the beginning of the third paragraph, "Despite the\* aforementioned disadvantages\*, I am ... fees\* bring\* about a myriad of advantages\* to museums. First, ... entrance fees\* will assist ..."  
  
In the last paragraph, "In ... undeniable that charging\* for\* entrance tickets\* potentially results in a\* decrease in the\* number of visitors, ... apply entrance fees\* to ..."  
  
Hope that helps a bit.