dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hey Chi,  
  
You have good ideas for the essay, but you should distinguish the 1st and 2nd point more. Right now, my understanding is that your 3 main points involve: physical health, mental health/job satisfaction, and work quality. Is that right? Mental health and happiness sound very similar to me, so you may want to reassess how you frame your points.  
  
A few comments about writing style:  
"In my opinion, I agree with this..." >> I highly recommend expanding your thesis sentence to include subpoints (your 3 ideas above). If you say "I agree because A, B, and C" instead of stopping at "I agree," the essay will sound much more complete.  
  
Avoid using "you" and "we" in an academic essay. Instead convert it to third-person. For eg: "You may put yourself in ..." >> "People may put themselves.... when they have to..." or "One may put oneself.... when one has to...."  
  
2nd eg: "we all know that money ..." >> "It is a common sense that money cannot buy happiness"  
  
"Additionally, you can even be stressed or ..." >> 'work fatigue, exhaustion, mental crisis might be some helpful vocab. Especially here: "After all, being rich but fail in living a happy life is meaningless and a kind of tragic." >> It is actually quite common for people to experience existential crisis when they reach a certain point in career. It can happen to every career but you can search it up if you'd like and see if this can strengthen you point.  
  
"It is believed that you will work more efficiently and ..." >> you can even go a step further to 'scientific evidences show that....' Job satisfaction does increase productivity and creativity, as management principles go.  
  
Your conclusion, like your thesis, should aim to summarize your subpoints as well. And I'd aim for 3 sentences per paragraph.  
  
Finally, and this is purely optional, you have briefly used counterargument here: "Despite the fact that money is important, it ..." Counterargument is a harder structure, in which you raise a point that potentially disagrees with you, and the refute it. For eg, the disagreement is that 'money is important' and then you refute with 'there are other things that are also important.' You can expand this structure to a paragraph rather than just a sentence. But again, this is slightly more challenging and you don't necessarily have to use it for TOEIC. Just a suggestion :D  
  
GL.
## telephone calls in the uk

  
  
The bar chart provides the information about the billions of minutes that people in the UK spent on three different kinds of telephone calls between 1995 and 2002.  
  
Overall, both nationaland international-fixed line and mobiles usages experienced an upward trend during the period, while local-fixed line usage showed a fluctuation and had the same figure to its 1995 at the end of the period.  
  
As the bar chart shows, the number of local-fixed line call minutes was about 72% in 1995, being the highest in three different kinds of telephone calls, Then it increased significantly, reaching a peak of about 90% in 1999. Neverthless, the figure experienced a sharp decrease during he last three years and had the same time using telephone call to its 1995 at the end of the period.  
  
The number of national and international-fixed line call minutes was less than 40% in 1995, and there was a gradual rise to the end of the period. It rose to over 60% in 2002. Likewise, mobiles usage was about 3% in 1995, being the lowest. Then it grew gradually to about 14% in 1999 and continued increasing dramatically to approximately 45% in 2002.  
  
*   
*A subject*
Your summary overview should have included the 3 types of phone calls made ( local - fixed line, national and international - fixed line, mobiles - all calls). The measurement type should have also been indicated (minutes by the millions), along with a clearer trending sentence. Your trend isn't really spelled out as a part of the summary overview in this presentation. A comparative statement is not the same as a trend in the usage. The trend is normally something that was constant in the presentation. Either an upward or downward trend based on the most prominent selection in the discussion.  
  
If you are taking the CBT, make sure that you properly use the space bar. Improperly using it could create an LR error on your part. You made that error in this presentation when you did not use the space bar to separate the words "national and". You wrote it improperly as "nationaland". Spell checking is imperative in this task because your LR score depends on it. You should have easily spotted the "Neverthless" error (Nevertheless) if you did a visual spellcheck. Several other spelling errors which will definitely sink your LR score in an actual test setting.
I am confused by your presentation. Are you writing a research paper or a task 2 IELTS practice test? The discussion format is that of a research paper but, the elements of the discussion seem to be for a task 2 test. Which one are you actually writing? I do not see a clear thesis in the opening statement, as it represents a clear point of view opinion rather than a discussion assumption. You also wrote 730 words, which is acceptable for a research paper, but way over the acceptable word count for the task 2 essay. Please remember to indicate if you are writing a research paper or practicing for the test next time. As of now, I will not judge the content based on task 2 elements. I will limit the review to mere grammatical considerations instead. It seems only proper since you are asking for Writing Feedback anyway.  
  
Spelling errors:  
Homeschoolers = Home schoolers (two words, not one because it describes the action of a person)  
Homeschooling = Home schooling  
Homeschooled = Home schooled  
broad minded = broad-minded  
  
Word clarity:  
It is evident that... - It is CLEAR that....  
... more and more parents - more parents (avoid repeating words as these are non-academic presentations)  
Indeed, the effects of this educational method have been showed by many studies. - Who did the studies?  
  
The rest of the essay, should this be for research work, requires professional editing for correction and presentation polishing. Forum rules prevent me from doing that for you in the public posting area.
## home-cooked meal

  
  
There is an increasingly popular belief that cooking at home is a waste of time. However, I find myself in complete disagreement with this opinion because of the merits they offer.  
  
First, Cooking is not as time-consuming as you think. With the inception of the modern era, There are many services, especially regarding raw ingredients delivery, for customers. All you need is to write down what you need to prepare for the meal on the software and click done. So you just need to focus on preparing the meal. If you still have concerns about dirty dishes after a meal, you can share the responsibility of cleaning up with other people in the meal or just buy a dishwasher to make it easier. According to my calculations, this only took less than an hour.  
  
Secondly, it exerts a number of positive effects on people. As I mentioned, the materials we buy must be hygienic and healthy, so you can prepare the dish to suit your taste and ensure the food quality. Besides, this is an opportunity to heals relationships with people during meals and improves the cooking ability for an independent life. Think about it, after a hard-working day, you cook by yourself and enjoy it with your family, which will help you relax and tighten the family bonds and also enhance cooking skills in the transition to adulthood to better prepare for the future. Without this, we can lose the cohesion of social relationships and the ability to live independently.  
  
In conclusion, my opinion is that home-cooked meal is not only healthy and hygienic but also improve personal skills and the family relationship.  
  
*Can someone help me comment on this essay?*
Your essay does not apparently follow the prompt discussion requirements. It omits the specific discussion topics as indicated from the original prompt which are:  
  
*Some people believe that cooking at home is a waste of time. They feel it is better to buy fast food which is more convenient and less stressful in modern life. Do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion and examples from your own experience.*  
  
Based on the original topic, the discussion requirements should be based on an extent essay that supports either the fast food discussion or the home cooking option. An example of a prompt responsive paraphrase for the discussion is:  
  
*These days, people find it more convenient to order fast food. Apparently, they find home food preparation to be quite aggravating at times so they opt to order take-out instead. As someone who likes to cook and does not find the practice annoying, I have to say that I am in complete disagreement with the people who believe food delivery services are the best option for meals.*  
  
There was no need to mention a discussion about dirty dishes. That is not part of the cooking discussion. It was not referred to in the original discussion because it is not a consideration when it comes to meal times. You still have to wash dishes when you order food delivery. That discussion is a prompt deviation and will be noted by the examiner as a point to score down your TA accuracy.  
  
The conclusion you presented does not meet the 3 sentence minimum requirement. It does not represent a proper paraphrase of the discussion topics presented. That will be an additional deduction in your TA score.  
  
Now, I reviewed your essay based only on the parts that applied to the original prompt. The examiner will do the same thing in the actual test. He will score you only for the sections that apply to the original prompt, deduct word points for the irrelevant discussions, and adjust your score downward. If I am right and the essay does not adhere to the original prompt requirements, you will find that the essay may not achieve an impressive score in the end.
## decline in direct interaction between people

  
  
**Topic: The use of social media is replacing face-to-face interaction among many people in society. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
Controversies surrounding the impact of social media on the interaction amongst individuals in the community have never diminished. I wholeheartedly agree that the rapid development of telecommunication has, to an extent, led to some negative outcomes. Nonetheless, the preponderance of the merits of social media when compared to negative ones is irrefutable.  
  
To commence with, possessions of smartphones in the modern world are so commonplace that users may have an inclination towards online communication rather than by direct one in real lives. While some may argue such predilection for online interaction can affect one's ability to communicate, I firmly believe that such worry is so inconsequential when compared with the advantages that social network brings. Firstly, the amount of time allocated to real-life meetings, get-togethers, etc. can significantly be reduced by online meetings and communication. Social media has made it so easy for one to contact any person just by a call or a message instead of traditional meetings. Therefore, the working productivity can sharply be increased. People have more time to finish tasks and work at either schools or companies. Secondly, social media entitles us to make new friends and, in some special circumstances, romantic relationships can be developed online that can possibly lead to face-to-face dating later. Traditionally, the amount of time needed to form and nurture a network of relationships is so long, whereas social media can do it almost at once.  
  
On the other hand, a sense of alienation may arise from the state of people focusing too much on their smartphones. For instance, it is usual to see people on a bus or a train occupying with their smartphones, scrolling Facebook for news, or playing games for entertainment. A feeling of awkwardness may unintendedly germinate and nurture in a negative way for those who are not using their mobile phones. I believe this tendency is inevitable and seemingly inexorable in such a world where social media has become so phenomenally popular. A belief that everyone should put their phones down and start to communicate seems to be absurd and implausible.  
  
In summary, I concur that the inevitable decline in direct interaction and undesirable drawbacks of social media is of little concern when compared with the predominance of advantages and values.
Some of my feedback:  
  
In terms of structure, I think it'll make more sense if you talk about disadvantages first then advantages. That's also how you phrase your intro and conclusion, so it'll be more cohesive to keep the body flow that way.  
  
You have the tendency to lengthen your sentence, sometimes unnecessarily. For eg: "A feeling of awkwardness may unintendedly germinate and nurture" >> You mean an organic conversations are harder to have because people feel awkward interrupting others who are using phone? This whole sentence sounds a bit awkward to me, despite, if not precisely because of, big words like germinate and nurture. Unintentionally instead of unintendedly. Another eg: "the state of people focusing too much." Basically you overuse complex words and structures, which make your essay sound more complicated and harder to follow than it needs to be.  
  
I have a hard time following your 2nd reason to back social media up. "Traditionally, the amount of time needed to ..." >> Every relationship takes time, whether you meet them f2f or virtually. I assume you mean that social media allows people to meet those geographically far away that they would never have the chance to connect with otherwise? Similarly, this is a stretch: "romantic relationships can be developed online that can possibly lead to face-to-face dating later" >> the vice versa can be true as well.  
  
Your conclusion should be about 3 sentences and summarize in slightly more details your points. Basically you should spell out what drawbacks and advantages social media have again here, of course after paraphrasing. Don't just stop at "social media has goods and bads" but say " although SM has issue because XYZ, it is still pretty good because A and B." Along those line.  
  
Hope these help!
You are being asked to compare the advantages and disadvantages in the essay. The proper approach to this, if you want to create a coherent and cohesive response and not just keep on delivering confused and non related discussion points in the reasoning paragraph, is to do the A/D comparison for the discussion topics within one paragraph. The more score appropriate format is:  
  
- Advantage  
- Reason for the advantage  
- Explanation that proves the advantage is a disadvantage  
- Example that proves your disadvantage topic  
- Transition sentence to the next topic  
  
This is an advanced essay writing format that creates the proper scoring considerations setting for an A/D topic such as this. You do not have to be so round about in the discussion. You merely have to get to the point by presenting related and relevant discussions within 2 reasoning paragraphs. If you can practice writing in this format successfully, you will achieve a higher C&C score, which could also boost the TA considerations in the end.
## Huge money in the professional sport

  
  
Some debates have occurred whether successful sports professionals should have great income or other crucial professions deserve to earn more money. While some sports fans advocate for their idol, others believe it is not solid. This essay will cover both viewpoints and give solution to this conflict.  
  
Successful professionals in sport have huge influences on sports fans all over the world, which facilitates them to make massive profits through not only competitions but also advertisements. To illustrate, Christiano Ronaldo who is a well-known professional footballer gets paid by many companies through advertising for their products. Because of his prominence, the majority of his fans purchase those products, which enable him to be one of the richest footballers.  
  
On the controversy, some people believe other important professions such as doctors, teachers need to be paid more. Their jobs make a great contribution to society, therefore, people should pay more attention and make more investments to these crucial jobs. As an illustration, a good doctor can save a million people and a dedicated teacher can educate a thousand children to be successful in the future. Their jobs are serious and directly relate to the development of a country, thus they deserve to have more income.  
  
From my perspective, I believe that every job has its specific benefits to the world. While sports professionals are role models for many people to strive to be, doctors and teachers save their life and teach them how to truly live. Therefore, all of them should be paid equally.  
  
To conclude, both sports professionals and other essentials jobs should be paid equally because of their vital impact on people as well as the development of the world.
The essay has 2 prompt deviations. The first is in the paraphrased statement where you offered a solution to the problem. There was nothing in the original prompt that asked you to deliver a solution discussion. Instead, the original prompt asked you to discuss both points of view and then, offer your own point of view on the topic.  
  
The second deviation, was in your personal opinion paragraph. You indicated that doctors and teachers should be paid equally as the athletes. That is an incorrect opinion presentation. The personal opinion sought in this essay is that of one which is based upon the comparison discussion of the two points of view. The points of view originally stated in the instructions. There was no room for you to discuss teachers and doctors because they were not part of the original discussion. So you changed the basis of your personal opinion to one that was not included in the prompt.  
  
These are the two main reasons why the essay will not be getting a passing TA score. Prompt deviations are never allowed in the Task 2 test. If the information is not in the original presentation, it should not be in the discussion paragraphs either.  
  
Examiners also score down for use of exaggerated words such as controversy. There was no controversy mentioned in the original presentation. The use of these words distort the message of the original presentation. Again, it changes the discussion elements of the prompt towards one that was never included in the original.  
  
These lack of proper vocabulary usage, changing of discussion reference points, and altering of discussion instructions will be the main reasons why the essay will not be able to achieve an ideal score overall. Remember, you will also lose points in the LR, GRA, and C&C section because of the way you did not follow the given instructions for the presentation.
## public health improvement by increasing the number of sports facilities

  
  
Opinion differs whether the most effective way to enhance public health is to construct more sports facilities or there also had other required solutions. I do think both views are reasonable as each has its own merits.  
  
It is certainly true that constructing more sports facilities is a good way to improve public health. First of all, increasing the number of sports facilities stimulates people to do physical activities. Because, now there are numerous sports facilities like gyms, aerobic classes, etc., which have enough equipment for these individuals to do exercise. As a result, this might help people have a fit body and good health. Besides, going to sports facilities help people to do exercise in the right method. For example, if these individuals go to the gym, they will have a personal trainer to guide people on how to practice in a proper way, which is good for their health. In contrast, doing exercise in the wrong way can have bad influences on their health.  
  
Nevertheless, I think increasing the number of sports facilities is not enough. These individuals should apply other measures to improve their health. People need to limit unhealthy foods and drinks. For instance, they should consume more vegetables, nutrient foods, water, etc., instead of fast food, alcohol, etc. Furthermore, these individuals should stop their unhealthy habits such as smoking, sleeping late, etc., which seriously suffer their health.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that in addition to increasing the number of sports facilities. There are several solutions to enhance public health by limiting unhealthy foods and drinks, and ending harmful habits like smoking, sleeping late, etc.
The prompt paraphrase, just like the succeeding paragraphs, requires a 3-5 sentence presentation format. Not following this presentation rule results in a run-on sentence, as seen in your writing, which will result in a lowered GRA score. Always separate the topics for discussion, in this case, the 2 public points of view, by using 2 separate complete simple or complex sentences. Do not offer a personal opinion as a part of the paraphrase. That cannot be achieved at that point since the opinion is based on a discussion of the two points of view first. You cannot develop an opinion if you have not written about the justification for each reason yet. You may instead, add your personal opinion as the last 3 sentences of the public point of view discussion.  
  
A more cohesive presentation of the public point of view discussion paragraphs would have been to write in the following format twice in the reasoning paragraphs:  
  
- A topic reference to a general public viewpoint (second or third person pronoun usage required)  
- The reason for this public perception  
- A presentation of your opinion ( agree or disagree with the public point of view)  
- A supporting reason  
- Close with a valid example to agree with your opinion  
  
By discussing the essay in the above manner, you should be able to present a coherent and cohesive discussion that is based on 2 completely developed points of view per paragraph, the public and the personal. Right now, both discussion paragraphs come across as merely personal points of view. You also did not properly discuss both public points of view. You only discussed one public POV. So the discussion instructions / requirements were not achieved in your presentation, lowering your TA score in the process. Additionally, without the use of pronouns, you will not be able to increase your GRA score to show that you know how to properly develop discussion paragraphs based on multiple reference points.