dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi everyone! This is my first post on this forum. I have written an IELTS task 2 essay. Please help me with this and guest the band score of it for me. Thanks a lot.  
  
***Topic:*** ## When choosing a job, the salary is the most important consideration.

  
***To what extent do you agree or disagree.***  
  
There are many factors that impact the way we choose a job such as passion, salary, promotion, tendency,.... Specifically, it is believed that salary is the most important priority when choosing a job. I partly agree with this statement.  
  
First of all, there is no doubt that we all need money to satisfy the needs of our life. For instance, each month, we all have to pay the electric bills, houses, clothes, food and other types of entertainment. It is difficult to live with little money. Furthermore, a well -paid job not only help staffs feel satisfy with their enough budgets but also become the motivation to encourage them to work harder. An employee, for example, may makes efforts to achieve the goal in his task so he could have chance to promote to the top position. Therefore, he deserves a higher salary level than the others.  
  
On the other hand, salary is not the only reason to be considered when choosing a job. Passion is also a huge inspiration that motivate us go to work every day. When loving the job, many people still choose it no matter how low salary is. For instance, many people choose artist or actor as their main career because it is their interest. Secondly, there are a variety of jobs that help create a better community. People who do these job are called volunteers and they are paid little or even no money. They are charity works such as helping the disabled, organizing outdoor activities for orphans, raising fund for the poor and so on.  
  
In conclusion, I reaffirm that even though salary is the priority, we all have to consider other factors carefully before decide our career.
Hi@tumi0107,  
I have some comments for your essay, hope they are helpful!  
1. You **should not use "..."** when listing in the essay. Instead, you should use this structure when you want to list something **"such as A, B and C"**  
  
2. Your introduction is quite chopped since you use short sentences.  
  
3."... need money to satisfy the needs of our life."  
=> to make our ends meet = đủ để chi trả
There is a problem with the exam takers who insist on taking a "partly" stance in the given discussion. The TA scoring section clearly indicates that the exam taker who "does not express a clear position" cannot get a TA score higher than 3. An additional reason that this score will be given is that it; "presents few ideas, which are largely undeveloped..." That lack of development and clarity comes from having to defend 2 sides in a 2 reasoning paragraph allotment when it should be 2 reasons strongly supporting your given opinion. There is a lack of opinion development and explanation in a "partly" discussion. It does not follow the required response for the prompt given. As such, when you are asked for a degree of measurement in your response, it is not a numerical measurement, but rather, an emotional measurement response to a single opinion. Emotional response as in "I strictly believe that..." or "I hold a strong belief in..."  
  
A single opinion represents a clear position in the discussion. That clarity will proceed to result in a higher TA and C&C score. The C&C score relies on the connectivity of your discussion points and the clear expression of your solid support for a given opinion. Without the clarity of your opinion, by choosing a single opinion and explaining the strength of your support for it, your essay will find it difficult to achieve a passing score. The fact that you failed to offer a clear opinion, along with the existing grammar and conciseness errors in your essay will result in an overall low score for the essay.
## **Writing task 1, test1 cam 15, Bar chart**

  
  
This is my writing task 1 for Cambridge 15 test 1. Since I'm going to have an IELTS test in early August, I hope to receive moderators' comments to improve my writing skills. Thanks sincerely.  
  
The bar chart illustrates the information on coffee and tea consumption and interest in drinks in 5 Australia cities.  
Overall, it can be seen that Australian tended to enjoy drinking coffee/tea in a cafe rather than making coffee by themselves. Besides, instant coffee seemed to be more popular than the fresh one in all 5 cities.  
  
In detail, over half of the population in 4 cities were interesting in having coffee/tea in a cafe, especially in Melbourne, the figure was 63%. Compared to people in other cities, residents in Adelaide showed the lowest interest since there were just 49% of them choose to go to a cafe shop.  
  
Regarding instant coffee, Hobart and Brisbane had the largest consumption, which was nearly 55% and 53% of people bought this kind, respectively. In comparison, fresh coffee seemed to be the last choice of Australian as the percentage of residents who bought it was always lower than 45% during the period shown. In Brisbane, the figure was even beneath 35%.  
  
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Try to do a better summary next time. Make sure that you don't just skim over the information. Directly provide the information so that the summary will definitely provide a complete short listing of information. Always provide:  
  
- Image type (provided)  
- Measurement source (Incomplete. Must provide the name of the 5 cities)  
- Measurement type (not provided)  
- Measurement classification  
- Trending statement (Provided)  
  
Provide a total of 5 sentences in that section. This helps to outline the source information and how each data set has affected the report you will be providing.The summary overview is the most important part of this task, so you have to make sure that you always provide the most complete summary of information for the examiner to assess.  
  
You have forgotten that using a comma to separate related information in a sentence is required part of the GRA punctuation scoring considerations. When listing related information, always use a comma to indicate separation. It adds to the clarity of the presentation in that sentence. Additionally, your sentences are too long in every paragraph. You are not showing enough mix of complex and simple sentences because of this. Instead, you are offering constant run-on presentations, which do not necessarily reflect a clear sentence nor proper sentence composition. Try to format your sentences in a manner that utilizes more punctuation marks and sentence structures.
## ACADEMIC IELTS WRITING TASK 1

  
  
*THE TOPIC : THE GRAPHS BELOW SHOW THE PERCENTAGE OF DIFFERENT ELEMENTS IN THREE TYPES OF DIETS.*  
  
The pie charts provided reveal a comparison of the proportion of carbohydrates, protein and fat in three diets, namely an average diet, a healthy diet and a healthy diet for sport.  
  
In general, what stands out from the graphs is that the percentages of carbohydrates in three diets are highest among three elements while the proportions of fat are lowest.  
  
A closer look at the data reveals that the percentage of carbohydrates in a healthy diet for sport dominates the ranking among three diets, standing at 60%. This figure is 10% more than the proportion of carbohydrates in a healthy diet and 1.5 times as high as the percentage of carbohydrates in an average diet. Regarding protein, the proportion of protein in an average diet, which makes up 40%, is higher than 30% for that in a healthy diet and over twice times as large as that in a healthy diet for sport.  
  
It is noticeable that the percentages of fat in three diets lag far behind, with only 15% in a healthy diet for sport. The figure for fat in an average diet and a healthy diet mark similar quantities, at 20% for each.  
  
Thank you that much!!!  
  
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Why are you dividing your essay into 4 incomplete paragraphs when you should be presenting a total of 3 complete paragraphs only? A complete paragraph format is composed of 3-5 sentences. Each sentence is a stand alone thought or representation. It must not be in run-on sentence form. Your 4 paragraph essay, due to your desire to create 4 paragraphs, ended up presenting run-on sentences, using only a comma and a period as a representation of your GRA skills. You did not do a very good job with this presentation. It feels rushed, not really analytical in presentation. You appear to have more than 1 trending statement as well. It would be better if you use the 3 paragraph system. It helps you avoid presenting run-on sentences and offers you a better opportunity to showcase your GRA skills by allowing you to use more than just a comma and period in your presentation. You can also use a parenthesis, semi-colon, and a fractional presentation of data, or other analytical styles as well. The possibilities are endless under the 3 paragraph format. You do not limit yourself in the manner that the 4 paragraph manner does.
Hello everyone! please help me to improve my writing skill.  
I should write over 150 words but I couldn't think other thing to discuss.  
Thanks for your generous help!  
  
## the percentage of households owned and rented in England

  
  
Compare the percentage of households in owned and rented accommodation in England and Wales between 1918 and 2011  
  
The bar chart illustrates the fluctuation of the percentage of owned and rented house in England and Wales between 1918 and 2011.  
  
Overall, the chart indicates that households in owned accommodation gradually increased from 1918 to 2011, while, the percentage of rented house declined.  
  
In more detailed, although the percentage of owned house gradually rose, in 2011, it fell. Moreover, in 1918, it only occupied just over 20% for households in owned accommodation. On the contrary, the percentage of rented house gradually decreased, yet, in 2001, it had a bounce back and started to rise. Additionally, the highest percentage of the rented house was also in 1918. It had more than 70%. Besides, in 1971, the percentage of rented house and owned house was the same. They were both 50 percent.  
  
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You missed the word count because you did not format the essay into 3 paragraphs composed of 3-5 sentences. You were unable to completely summarize the information in the bar graphs, and you did not try to make a comparison paragraph in your essay. Basically, to meet the word count, you need to properly study the data in relation to instruction for the report. The basic outline is:  
  
Par. 1:  
- Title of the image  
- Type of image  
- Measurement information (source, list of information sources, age range of sources, etc. )  
- Measurement requirement  
- Trending statement  
  
Providing the above information in the first paragraph will help you get closer to the 150 minimum word count.  
  
Par. 2:  
- Primary image information  
- Pertinent image information using an analytical presentation  
- Observations  
  
These should be accomplished also within 3-5 sentences.  
  
3rd Paragraph:  
- Comparison data (overlapping images)  
- Extended trending statement explanation  
- Notable information not related to the primary information  
- Any secondary information you may have observed.  
  
All of these paragraphs should be completed using the 3-5 sentence requirement per paragraph. Using these number of sentences will help you achieve more than 150 words. In fact, you should be able to produce anywhere from 175-190 words using the above format for your outlining, drafting, and final presentation.
Amazing! I do believe that you have written a 5 scoring essay response here. Although there are some problems with your word choices and sentence structures, You did a good job of clearly explaining your analysis of the given situation. You definitely show elements of effective writing in this case. However, I would have liked to see even more sentence variety from you in the presentation. Also, maybe brush up on your every day English vocabulary? You have a tendency to use some words out of context. Examples of these are:  
  
Will opening a cafe avert some customers?  
  
The word avert doesn't feel natural in this presentation. I think you should have used other alternatives like divert or deter. These are more naturally sounding word alternatives that mean the same thing, to turn away clients.  
  
Towards the end, you suddenly indicated, "opening a store". The board of directors are not recommending the opening of a store, they are suggesting the opening of a cafe within the store. Those are two different presentations but I can see why you would become confused. The cafe was opening in the store so you thought a new store was being opened. Let's chalk that one up to word confusion on your part. No matter, it did not affect your overall presentation anyway.
## evaluation of overseas travelling trend

  
  
With the rapid growth of technologies and global market development, worldwide travelling has not been so accessible than before. Despite it is profoundly beneficial for those desire to explore the world, it is also a controversial argument that drawbacks can be seen as a result of unnecessarily frequent travel. Personally I believe negative impacts brought up by international journey outweigh its benefits.  
  
First of all, due to the dramatic drop of travelling cost on airfare and accommodation, overseas visits are more feasible nowadays which effectively accelerate worldwide economic growth. However, excessive travels may also result in unhealthy development of certain markets. We can observe all over the globe that popular cities over relay on tourists related businesses and undermine the market diversity. One obvious example is the streets of Hong Kong overloaded with pharmacies and souvenir shops. The overall market environment becomes increasingly difficult for other businesses. At the end the city will suffer from the monotonous development and lose the attraction.  
  
Further and even more importantly, one of the largest fossil fuel consumptions in the world is airlines business. It is believed that uncontrolled global trips should take a critical responsibility in our environmental pollution. Imagine how luxury it is for a weekend trip decades ago, yet it is now affordable almost for everyone with low cost flights and AirBnB. With the extra help of internet, travel lovers can even lockdown their journey solely at their fingertips. This is the reason why scientists attribute this overwhelming travel trend to the irreversible damage to our planet.  
  
In conclusion, overseas travelling is an irresistible trend for the majority which also helps in globalization. On the other hand, yet, I agree the trend also leads to more serious damages on our cultural and natural environments. It is important for all humility to get an optimal balance between economic development and environmental responsibilities.
Since this is a Task 2 essay, you should be writing no more than 250-290 words. The time allotment is only 40 minutes within which you need to draft, review, correct grammar errors, and polish your essay. You focused on the word count, hoping this would increase your overall score. The opposite is what happened, you created several errors throughout the essay that will definitely have an impact on your final score. Even without knowing the actual prompt requirement, I can already see that there are several grammar errors in your presentation that will definitely impact your final score. Let's get started on those errors.  
  
Comma Usage:  
At the end the - At the end , the  
  
Informal phrase usage:  
reason why - reason  
  
Conciseness (Clarity Issues):  
drawbacks can be seen as - drawbacks can be  
affordable almost for - affordable for  
an optimal balance - the best balance  
We can observe all over - We can see all over  
  
I would have been able to do a content review for you if you had provided a copy of the original prompt. I need to know the original discussion topic and instructions to do that. So for now, I cannot review your paraphrase section, nor can I review the concluding statement for accuracy since I do not have any idea what the original discussion was about.
## should we stop watching the news?

  
  
It is sometimes claimed that news are of no importance in our lives and watching news is wasteful. To my viewpoint, I take issue on this opinion.  
  
News have variety of benefit on people's life. First of all, it informs people about the social issues that could affect their lives. With awareness of the current state of affair, news readers can be provided with knowledge as well as solution for the issue. For example, during the outbreak of a disease, people who stay up to date with the medical news would be conscious of preventive measures to avoid being infected. In addition, watching and reading news would be conducive to citizens' consciousness of laws. Frequently reading to articles, every member of the society can understand policies more clearly and then they would behave morally and legally.  
  
The absence of news in daily lives can result in some repercussions. Firstly, people who are unaware of social issues might live an isolated life with few relationships as they have almost no connection with the society. Moreover, they would be kept in ignorance of essential skill and information. For instance, if people neglect reports about traffic, possibly they can get involved in traffic violations and accidents.  
  
In conclusion, I must reaffirm that people should pay attention to the news to stay informed and alert to significant events.
I take i that you are self-studying for the IELTS test? I believe that this is the case because you did not know about the minimum word requirement for the Task 2 essay. You are required to write no less than 250 words, but no more than 290 words. When I checked the word count for your essay, it appears that you wrote only 224 words. That is way under the word count. You are short by 26 words. Which means you will receive a sizeable percentage deduction for your work.  
  
So aside from the low word count, you also have certain grammar errors in the essay that will also reduce your per criteria scoring. That means, the essay will not be able to achieve a passing band score.  
  
You did not provide the complete prompt for this essay. Had you provided a proper 3-5 sentence paraphrase of the original discussion in the first paragraph, I would have been able to present a better review of your work. Since you did not provide a complete restatement, you will receive an even further reduced TA score. The same problem exists in your concluding paragraph.  
  
Your reasoning paragraphs also need to be developed further in terms of discussion reasons, supporting examples, and additional considerations. The essay is really poorly developed. It is not worthy of a passing score at this point. There are too many failures in your presentation for the essay to be considered for even a passing mark. The math, based on errors, just don't add up to a passing score.
## Writing Ielts task 1 about graph

  
  
The graph gives us information about changes in the number of books read by boys and girls at Starmouth School library between 2009 and 2012.  
We can see that from 2009 to 2010, the number of books read by boys were more than girls and increased sharply from about 50 to 80. However, during 2010, these figures also rose but were as fast as before. Specifically, there was a slight increase by 20 and peaked at 100 in 2011. And then, the number of books read by boys from 2011 to 2012 had been a downward trend. In 2012, figures droped to 80 and equal to the 2010's figures.  
  
Beside that, the number of books read by girls went up considerably. In spite of the number of books read by girls were not equal to boys in 2009. And between 2009 and 2010, figures increase slightly to 40 but still were not as same as the number of books read by boys. However, from 2010 to 2011, there was a dramatic rose by 60 which were the same to the number of books read by boys which peaked at 100 in 2011. During 2011, this number continually rose and peaked at 140 in 2012. Over 3-year period, there was had been an upward trend.  
  
Overall, the number of books read by boys were fluctuated therefore during the first year, these figures were higher than girls. But in 2012, this number dropped and the number of book read by girls increased significantly, 60 books more than boys.  
  
PLEASE GIVE ME IELTS BAND. THANK YOU SO MUCH ^o^  
  
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Writing task 2 Environment  
  
*IN ORDER TO SOLVE TRAFFIC PROBLEMS, GOVERNMENTS SHOULD TAX PRIVATE CAR OWNERS HEAVILY AND USE THE MONEY TO IMPROVE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.* *WHAT ARE THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF SUCH A SOLUTION?*  
  
Having a car become a tremendous part in morden life. However, it offers a huge number of traffic congestion. One feasible solution is to impose heavy taxes on car drivers. And this finances is precious to ameliorate public transportation. People claim that is has both strength and weakness inside.  
  
On the bright side, one of the first positive aspects of such a measure that heavy taxes would discourage car drivers from using their cars because of its costs. As a result, people would begin to make use of public transports instead. Thus reducing the aggravate and exacerbate of human in the environment . Another plus point is the cars taxes would dimishing the problems of traffic. As more and more people walk, cycle or take public transport rather than drive, there are no more heavy traffic jams at rush hours. A huge number of car accidnets would falling out.  
  
Despite these aforementioned advantage, several drawbacks do exist. It is unniveral acknowledge that it will put pressure on cars owners. At the decent , taxes are already high for a range of pelple. It outstrips drivers in-come who may have no choice but to drive car everyday. In addition , cars taxes would lead to reduce mobility for people and a decline in car industry, Also, it can be a source of strain of the development in many countries.  
  
Taking everything to consider, drivers taxes, with all it merits and demerits, can be a double-edge impact on human lives. Therefore, the best solution to reduce traffic problems is human's aware of negative and positive of people impingement on environment.