dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello Sarlinda!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
1. Superlative word  
Overall, ~~the highest problems~~ the highest problem/the biggest problem of ~~the~~ people ...  
  
2. Proper word  
...education plans for ~~child~~ childreen *have been occurred* -> faced on the young adults periods..  
  
3. Subject verb agreement  
~~the~~ people become~~s~~ most concerned to all of ...  
  
4. Be careful to use an article  
Based on the data, ~~the~~ healthcare concern ~~has been~~ showed upward trends in over people life ...  
upward trends -> be careful to use upward trend since it didn't show time development.  
  
I hope it can help you.  
Keep practice to make it perfect :)
The graph gives information about the percentage of energy produced from coal in four countries, including Denmark, Germany, Sweden, and France, over 15-year period. The main fact that stands out is that the production of energy from coal in all countries experienced a decrease over the period shown.  
  
Denmark and Germany began at fairly similar levels of 60% and 55% respectively in the proportion of energy from coal. Subsequently, both Denmark and Germany jumped sharply to under 20%, when Germany hit a low of 5%. However, there was a slight increase for Germany, in which German overtook Denmark to finish around 18%, while Denmark finished at 10%, the lowest of that year.  
  
On the other hand, the energy from coal which was produced in Sweden and France stood under 40%, and then fell slightly to same or under 30% in 1998. Over the following three years, their proportion remained stable, which were followed by a short fall in 2004 and leveling off at this rate for the remainder of the period.  
  
*
Hi Amril, long time no see :D  
  
Sorry for making you wait for quite a long time. It is nice to see you practicing in this forum again after quite a long break. However, I would like to directly come up with my feedback related to your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- Overall, the main fact that stands out.. (cohesive device can possibly improve your score)  
- I think that this paragraph is still incomplete. You need to remember that you have to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:  
  
*> The graph gives... (1st sentence)  
> Overall, the main fact... (2nd sentence)  
> Moreover,... (3rd sentence)*(you can add more general overview in this sentence, but not too detail)  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- To begin with, Denmark and Germany...  
- ...both Denmark and Germany jumped sharply to ~~under~~below 20%  
- However, there was a slight increase for Germany, in which German overtook Denmark to **finish** around 18%, while Denmark **finished** at 10%, the lowest of that year. (I am not sure that "finish" is the appropriate diction to indicate that it was the last period/last year. Why don't you just mention "in the end of the year" or something similar like that?)  
  
3rd paragraph:  
- Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.  
  
*> On the other hand,... (1st sentence)  
> Over the following years,... (2nd sentence)  
> It leveled off... (3rd sentence)*  
  
Hope this helps mate!  
Practice makes perfect! :)
**Writing Task 1, Unit 1C, Page 16**  
  
The bar chart gives information about kind of difficulties for some people when they live overseas according to the age. All in all, the most serious issues of moving abroad is experienced by the middle age for all different types of problem and the percentage of look for schools for kids trouble is always in the last. Although the finance sorting problem is in the second position, the healthcare arrangement is always in the top rank for the middle and elderly age.  
  
The greatest problem for people aged 35 to 54 is healthcare arrangement around 38%. The young adults aged 18 to 34 have less difficulty on it. On the other hand, people aged between 18 and 54 have much difficulty in finance sorting at more than a third percent. The old people aged over 55 have less trouble on it.  
  
The last problem is looking for schools for kids while it has the lowest percentage. People aged 35 to 45 are harder to deal with this problem at above 15%. Meanwhile, people over 55 have less problematic with it at 2.5%. (182 words)  
  
*
Hi Septia,  
  
I would like to share my insights related to your report summary in the detailed descriptions below. Hopefully, this would be helpful towards the development of your IELTS writing skill later on.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The bar chart ~~gives~~(if you want to reach a high score, do not use a B1 word)reveals the information about ~~kind of~~various types of difficulties for some people when they live overseas according to ~~the~~three different age groups .  
  
- ... is experienced by the middle age group for all (...) and the percentage of people's problem inenrolling children for school~~look for schools for kids trouble~~ is ~~always~~ in the last. ("always" is unnecessary because it wasn't a habitual action.)  
  
- ...~~the~~choosing healthcare facilities~~arrangement~~ is ~~always~~ in the top rank (...) elderly age groups .  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- ... aged 35 to 54 is picking the right healthcare facilities~~arrangement~~~~around~~at approximately 38%.  
- ...people aged between 18 and 54 have ~~much~~greater difficulty in (...) more than a third ~~percent~~ . (read in the book again, a third, a quarter, two third, and many more are written without "percent".)  
  
There you have it Septia, I hope you can follow the above-mentioned feedback and gain some improvements in the next practice. Good luck :)
The figure displays kinds of problems that is faced by people when they stay overseas which is illustrated by using bar charts according to the age. Overall, while the middle-age has the highest percentage in each problem, searching education course for pupil is the less-problem compared with others.  
  
The greatest problem for people aged 35-54 is about health with approximately 37 percent while it also becomes the biggest value in all. However, this problem has a tiny different both in 18-34 and over 55, each of them 32 and 28 respectively.  
  
Financial planning is the second biggest problem both in 35-54 years old and the oldest age with 35 percent and 28% each. In contrast, it becomes the largest problem in the youngest with 33 percent.  
  
In addition, finding schools for the children becomes the smallest problem in every group of ages. People over 55 has the lowest value with only 3 percent, while middle-age has 18 percent and 18-34 years old has 7 percent.  
  
*
Hi Faiz,  
  
The detailed descriptions below are my contribution towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope this would be helpful towards the next essay practice later on.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The figure displays kinds of problems that ~~is~~are faced by people when they stay overseas. (period. new sentence) ~~which~~It is illustrated ~~by using~~in the bar charts according to ~~the~~three different age groupsranging from 18 to over 55 years old.(this sentence can be separated into two sentences)  
  
- Overall, it can be seen that while the middle-age group has the highest percentage (...) for pupil is the ~~less-problem~~least problem compared with ~~others~~other age groups .  
  
Despite this corrections, I can see that your paragraphing hasn't adequately covered all the information given since you only wrote 2 sentences for each paragraph. Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.  
  
Therefore, I hope you can minimize / reduce the mistake in the next practice by considering all the above-mentioned feedback above. Good luck :)
***Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.  
To what extend do you agree with this statement?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience!***  
  
Nowadays, many children show bad behaviour to health lifestyle. In this case, I concern to explain health attitude refers to food consumption and behaviour towards healthy life, in which parents have to be responsible. Not only parents, but also school where it mentions as second home and teacher as a second parents for children.  
  
Mother and father have to know what their children do at school, including what children eat at school. School also watches over what students eat. In this case, teachers who involve in the school area sometimes supervise their pupils' food during free time. Since, home and school are the most place children stay in their daily life. What children eat, including to their healthy lifestyle. If they eat some unhygienic food, it will disrupt their health. For example, one form of awareness, parents can supply food for their children eating at school. Parents can guarantee that food is hygiene and safe for their children. Parents can also ask teacher in the school to control their children's snack. My mother as example always notices what kinds of food their pupils eat while free time. Because when the students eat bad food, they will be getting stomachache or health problems. It will disturb their study. Teachers remind students to not to eat particular snack that they know badly for children. School also has to filter what kinds of food that appropriate to stock in the canteen. Therefore, parents and school play important roles towards students' nutrition.  
  
Besides food, students' attitudes towards health also have to parents and teachers concern to. Since, it also affect to students' lives. School usually provides many events to instruct student good behave and then student are asked to practice it at home. For example, it is important for children to wash their hand before and after eating food. In the school, teacher can teach student how to wash their hand as well. After they know it, parents usually ask their children about what they do at school. Parents have responsibility to habituate children do what they have learnt. As a result, children will accustom to their good habits. It reflects how important school teach student and parents supervise their children.  
  
In conclusion, children can behave based on healthy life pattern after they are taught and are given example by school. Then they are familiarized and supervised by parents. So, that is why schools and parents have important role in children lifestyle. 408w
Hallo anna.. welcome to essay forum. Before next to my comments, i want give you suggestions about the rule in this essay. You should give 2 valuable comments before upload an essay in this forum..  
  
And here my suggestion for you..  
  
1.concern to explain health attitude refers to foodconsumption and behaviour toward~~s~~ healthy life  
  
2.Since, home and school are the most places children stay ...  
  
3. If they eat some ~~unhygienic food~~ NOT HYGIENE FOOD, it will disrupt their health  
  
4. My mother as AN example
This is my suggestion  
  
... show bad behaviour to their health lifestyle.  
... explain health attitude that refer to the food consumption and behaviour that toward healthy life, in which ...  
  
2. School usually *provides* many (...) student good *behave*and then student ...  
  
there are double verb in this sentences  
  
... many events to instruct the student in order to be good behaviour and then student are ...  
  
i hope it useful for you. good luck
**Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
Nowadays, most of children have not considered about healthy way of life. Place where they study and get education, together with their parents should responsible to give solution of this case. I agree with these notions since children spent almost all of their time at school and home.  
  
Unhealthy lifestyle emerge from their activities and what food that they eat. Pupils tend to be have long time at school and consume snack food there. Taking data from research of WHO about lifestyle of Indonesia children as an example. The information of this study is all of elementary school students in Indonesia lack of rest and spent about 9 hours their time at school and they also eat not hygiene food. As a result, most of them have deterioration in healthy and easier to get disease.  
  
Both parents and schools should take actions to solve these problems. It is because children take a half of their daily time at school and another time at home. These close people should be able to control physical condition of children and keep them to always fit. For instance, school of my brother and my parent. His school manage time for their pupils to have balance activities between sit in the class and time for they play and rest. His school also has selection toward food that are provided, only clean and healthy food that can be sold in school canteen. My parents also concern to their children quality life with give them home made foods at home and maintain their health.  
  
To sum up, many children now have poor healthy lifestyle. School and parents should responsible to accomplish toward this issue. It is recommended for parents and school to pay attention about children health.  
  
(289 words)
Hello  
  
Your text is easy to understand. However, a few sentences in it could use being readjusted (for stylistic reasons):  
  
most ~~of~~ children [...] *do not give much thought about leading a healthy lifestyle.*  
~~Place where they study and get education~~ [...] *It is up to parents and teachers to address the situation in this respect.*  
I agree [...] *that this suggestion does make much sense.*  
Unhealthy lifestyle [...] *is primarily concerned with the affiliated individuals consuming junk food*.  
Pupils tend to [...] *spend long hours at school...*  
~~Taking data~~ [...] *Let us take the data from*...  
~~The information~~ [...] *According to this research*...  
they also ~~eat not hygiene food~~ [...] *eat food that is not good for their health.*  
As a result [...]*their health continues to deteriorate.*  
It is because children [...] I'm not sure as to what you're trying to say in this sentence.  
These close people [...] what 'close people'? Did you mean 'relatives'?  
and keep them [...] *in shape*.  
  
I'm sure you will be able to readjust the rest of the sentences on your own. I suggest you spend more time reading in English - this will help you constructing properly structured sentences. For now, you should consider keeping them as short as possible. I hope this will help. Regards.
Nowadays, many children under five year old are experience lifestyle which is not appropriate for their health such as consume unhealthy food. There are some people that say kindergarten and parents have responsibilities for what that happen with their children.  
  
I totally agree that parents and schools have responsibilities to solve their problem. For example, when they consume unhealthy meals in their schools. It is necessary to be aware because almost whole time in a day they spend in their schools and houses. In this case, actually parents and teachers are role mode for their children with they have a job to improve the capability of kids. For example, the parents can learn how to sort quality foods, such as fish, vegetables and fruits. And also teachers can give some advise or information to improve their knowledge about the foot that contain with high nutrition.  
  
On the other hand, there are many parents and teachers that have not given what is should be children accepted by both. Because their parents have busy activities and less time to choosing their meals, so they kids just accept the food that prepared by their assistance.  
  
Besides, in the school children have not lesson about what the healthy food and what kinds. Because there is no person can give they the information about healthy food. So, i think the both have responsibility and to solve this problem, but there are other sectors that have responsibility in increase health behavior of children, such as the government especially The Ministry of Health. The governments have a responsibility to promote health lifestyle of children. They can give some speech to the children about the healthy food and the benefits. So children can know and change their habit to eat health meal. Besides, the governments can give a training for teachers and parents about healthy behavior especially for children. Because if they don't consent about it may children will decrease their health quality.  
  
In conclusion, the parents and teachers have important position and responsibility to solve their children's habit especially in consume unhealthy food. But also they need other sector such as health promoter that can improve their knowledge about basic of health in lifestyle and behavior that can increase their health of degree.
Nowadays, many children under five ~~year~~years old are ~~experience~~have many experience lifestyle which is not ...  
  
five years ---> plural  
  
are experience lifestyle ---> are + noun .---> adalah pengalaman hidup . ---> WRONG  
have many experience lifestyle ---> memiliki banyak pengalaman gaya hidup ---> CORRECT  
  
There are some people ~~that~~ say that **kindergarten**and parents have ...  
  
Well, i think if school paraphrase into kindergarten, is too specific because schools have a lot of meaning. It's better you don't paraphrase it, because if we talk about children it's not refer to kindergarten student  
  
I totally agree that parents and schools have responsibilities to ...  
For example, when they consume unhealthy ...  
  
Is word "they" refer to "parents and schools"? Be careful with pronoun using !  
  
... parents and teachers are the role ~~mode~~model for their children with ~~they~~their~~have a~~ job to improve the capability of kids.  
  
what is the relationship between improving capability (mengembangkan kemampuan) and health ?  
  
~~And also~~ Teachers also can give some advise or ...  
  
It's recommended to not put "and" in the beginning of sentence because it is informal.  
  
... parents and teachers that have not given what is should be children accepted by both  
  
what's the meaning of that ? I can't translate it and confused about it. "banyak orang tua dan guru yang tidak diberikan apa yang harus murid disetujui oleh mereka ???  
  
maybe like that : there are many parents and teachers that do not know what should they do to make sure their children for accepting their advice.  
  
\*banyak orang tua dan guru yang tidak tahu apa yang harus mereka lakukan untuk membuat yakin anak-anak untuk menerima nasihat mereka.\*  
  
... and less time to ~~choosing~~choose their meals, so ~~they~~their kids just accept the food ...  
  
to infinitive form ---> to + choose (must Verb 1)  
  
Well i didn't finish to correct the last two paragraph, so you can ask another friends. Or maybe people who give the comment please correct the last two paragraph.  
  
Good Luck Ba'da. You should study about grammar well.
1. be careful with spelling  
the food that contain with high nutrition  
2. be careful with grammatical sentence:(subject+verb+agreement)  
... that have not given what children should accept by both  
3. avoid repetition word  
--------> unhealthy : you can change with unhygienic  
4. consistent with you word or you must explain before you use the word  
------> schools > teachers (you didn't tell who teacher before you use in the next sentence  
5. be careful TO(Infinitive)  
less time to choose their meals
**many children these day havec. both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem.  
[b]to what extant do you agree with this statement?**  
  
Bad lifestyle for students depend on the accountability their parents and schools responsibility. I am strongly agrees with this notion owing to the fact that the most of pupils time is spent in both of school and housing life hood.  
  
First of all, many students activities are that give bad effect for their body. Due to the fact that busy time in their schools will make them to forget their eating time. In case, the student who get exam in that day will focus on their test. Actually, they will forget that they have not eaten yet since early morning. This habit will make decreasing immunity of the pupil's body. Exactly, this will give worst effect for their health.  
  
On the other hand, daily activity of all students is depends on school and housing schedule. Because of the schools have a rule that the students should do that. This is give negative impact for their education if they no do that. Furthermore, all of pupil's facilities have been provided by parents and schools. For example, unfortunately , the teacher is announce that tomorrow is final examinations. the student will pay attention about that, and also they will study hard until over night to understand all of the materiel in as much as they have not enough time to prepare it previously. The next day, they will go to school early morning. While, the parents should make a breakfast and remaining their child to eat before go to school. So, if the teachers give enough time for pupil to study, and parent have provided the meal for their son as well, the health of students will be good.  
  
All in all, healthy live of student depend on their activity. Besides, the parent and school should responsible about managerial of pupil's time.
Hello,  
  
.... the accountability[of] their parents......  
I ~~am~~[I think you do not have to use linking verb or passive form because it changes the meaning] strongly agree~~s~~ with this  
... schools will make them ~~to~~[without to] forget their eating time.  
This habit will ~~make~~~~decreasing~~ [decrease] immunity of the pupil's body.  
... activity of all students ~~is~~ depend~~s~~ on school and ...  
Because ~~of~~ the schools have a rule ...  
the teacher ~~is~~ announce [it is verb form] that tomorrow ...  
All in all, healthy ~~live~~ [life] of student depend on their activity.  
  
Gluck :D