dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Veranda  
Hi. Welcome here once more. I hope to give you useful writing feedback on your essay.  
  
Firstly, appreciate the beauty of simplified and yet clear language when writing. It is critical that you do not merely write with the usage of heavy words. Rather, focus immensely on the overall flow of your writing. Focus on prioritizing information to add depth. Take a look at your first paragraph. You were unable to clarify the direction of writing because of your focus on overexplaining.  
  
Aside from this, the second and third paragraph are both sufficient. It only went a bit downhill with the last paragraph due to the lack of analysis that would wrap up the entirety of the writing. Bear this in mind.
@landon7192  
Hi. Welcome, dear! All of this feedback is geared towards helping you in your writing endeavors. I hope this becomes useful for you. If you find this to be helpful, please do not hesitate to come back.  
  
First and foremost, the direction of the essay is unclear in the introductory paragraphs. It is critical that you have mentioned a crystal clear vision of what is to be expected in this writing from the beginning. I would recommend moving the last sentences of the first paragraph into the initial parts instead.  
  
Overall, nonetheless, your writing is put together. I commend the detailed description of the situation, making it easier for readers to understand what the text is about. I would only suggest to further trim down your essay's excessive sentences (ie. third paragraph's last sentence) to curate a more meaningful approach to writing.
@masomakarimi  
Welcome to the forum! We're always open to people who are willing to learn. If you find this feedback helpful, please do tell us - and we'll do our best as always.  
  
While there were a lack of packed essential information on the first paragraph, I suggest that you attempt to revise the structure. Add more pauses with the usage of punctuation. Cut between lines to create smaller chunks of text that'll be easier on the eyes of the readers.  
  
The second paragraph also faces the same messiness. Notice how the topic had switched midway instead of sticking to a specific topic in mind. Remember that it's critical to be consistent in these types of texts.  
  
Remember to follow fundamental writing standards when working with academic essays. Do not place unfinished (seemingly short) paragraphs that do not expound anything. Try to be consistent as always.
## responsibility for obesity among youngsters

  
  
TOPIC:  
  
In many countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
ESSAY:  
  
Childhood obesity is indeed one of the most prevailing problems in many countries. While I agree that the authorities are responsible for this major issue, I also believe that it is the duty of every mother and father to keep their children in good shape.  
  
On the one hand, there are those who believe that the government is the one to blame for this issue. The main argument is that the authorities often spend only a small portion of the nation' s annual budget for public amenities such as parks and children's playgrounds. This improper budget allocation could result in the degradation of children's public amenities, thus limiting the choices of younger generations in terms of having a place for outdoor activities. As a result, instead of playing outside, children choose to stay home and spend their leisure time with computer games and watching TV. This unhealthy habit is the main cause of childhood obesity, as children burn fewer calories and inactive for long periods.  
  
On the other hand, I side with those who believe that parents should have the responsibility for this major problem. As child-rearing is one of the most important duties of each mother and father, parents should be proactive in terms of finding a way to instill active lifestyles in their children. In order to do this, encouraging children to participate in their school's sports teams is a good choice, as they can socialize with their peers and enjoy the delightfulness of sports. Besides, parents should carefully select the right diet for their kids and limit them from eating too many foods that rich in fat and sugar.  
  
In conclusion, it is indeed that the government should have responsibility for the obesity of younger generations. However, it is also the duty of parents in terms of promoting healthy lifestyles to their children.  
  
Please review my ielts writing task 2, thanks for reading!
@longbango  
Hi there! I have some suggestions for you  
1. Since the task asks for your opinion, you should state your own views instead of writing about what others believe. Therefore, you should rewrite your first paragraph to fulfill the requirement.  
  
2. spend only a small portion... ~~for~~ on public....  
3. spend their leisure time ~~with~~ on...  
4. stay inactive  
5. for ~~long periods~~ a long period  
6. ~~select~~ choose the right diet  
7. ~~limit~~ deter them from eating...  
8. foods that ~~rich in~~ are rich in/ contain a large amount of  
9.*It is indeed that* seems a little bit unnatural to me. You can change it to something like *not only the government but also parents should shoulder the responsibility of children's harmful lifestyles.*
@longbango  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. If you find this feedback helpful, I hope you come back for more. Aside from the feedback that's already been provided, I'll do my best to assist you even more so.  
  
While the first paragraph is sufficient, I recommend revising it in order to improve the overall formatting of the text. The readers should be able to fathom what the direction of the work will be in the succeeding portions of the text. With what you have now, you have merely reiterated opinionated notions rather than expounding the entirety of the text. Bear this in mind.  
  
Furthermore, I recommend expounding with more ease the reasons why the writren work should be given attention to. Add more intricate details that would create more specifications throughout your writing.
Families who send their children to private school should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent to you agree or disagree?  
  
## Private Schools and Taxes

  
  
Education is not just an individual' acquirement. Moreover, it is beneficial for society because educated people mostly will use their skills on a useful purpose for society after graduating. There are two types of schools which are private and public school. Some people think that if someone pays for a private school, he or she also supports the state education system even before graduating. Therefore, she or he should not pay taxes.  
  
Firstly, some people think that payment made for private schools should be count as a tax, and taxes given by them should reduce. He or she provides money and money will be used for education. Due to payment maded for beneficial circumstance for all, people should not pay extra money to other things goverment provides such as making a library. For instance, a person who was going to private school gave money to the private school, and the private school spent the money to buy computers or books to everyone. New students will use books or computers which paid by graduated people, so graduated people did not just pay for their education. Also, the government provides support for public schools to the expenses. It means that the government gives money to public schools from taken money from citizens. However, for a private school, expenses fulfill by students; so, the government is reducing money given the education system.  
  
On the other hand, some people believe that paying for taxes and private schools cannot be counted in the same situation. Purpose of private schools is earning money from students. Nearly every private schools are a profitable business for owners of private schools. For instance, a person is paying for a private school; however, paid money is not going to the education system mostly. So it cannot be accounted for as taxes.  
  
As a result, some people believe that payments for private schools should count as a tax because of investments made for the education system. Moreover, every government supports public schools with taxes. On the contrary, some people think that payment for a private school is not using for education system because their purpose is earning money. Taxes need to taken from the same as other citizens. I believe that private schools created as a business model. Therefore, we need to pay equal taxes, does not matter going to a private school or public school  
  
I do not understand how I need to participate in the essay with my idea. Can you help me with that? Thanks. Have a nice day.
@emins  
Hi! I can help you with your writing. I hope you truly find this feedback helpful for your writing endeavors. If you do, you can come back to us for more assistance.  
  
Firstly, the introductory paragraph had issues concerning structure and flow. Notice how you had changed the perspective utilized in writing midway of this portion. Avoid doing this shift of character as it can appear to be an informal act to readers. Opt to write with intent.  
  
Your second paragraph, while has a lot of valuable content and analysis, is too overbearing because of all of the information packed into the writing. I suggest triing to be more suggestive by simplifying the details. Overexplaining will not be beneficial for you.
@emins  
Hello! I have some suggestions to improve your essay.  
1. You should not explain anything in the introductory paragraph but save it to the later ones. The first one should only be a brief introduction to which topic you would address in the essay.  
  
2. ~~individual'~~ individual  
3. There aremany repetitive words in one sentence like private school, tax, money. You should use synonyms.  
4. Since the task asks for your opinion (agree or disagree) you should state your view instead of how "some people think" or "some people believe"  
  
5. There should be a seperate paragraph for your conclusion.  
6. There are quite many grammatical errors in your essay. I think you'd better check it again
## The table and pie chart give information about visitors to Ashdown Museum.

  
It is clear that the total amount of visitors increase after the refurbishment, and also the percentages of visitor feeling satisfied about it rise considerately.  
  
Before Ashdown museum was refurbished, people who feel dissatisfied made up the greatest proportion in the results of survey of visitor satisfaction, at 40%. While the figure for the same category dropped dramatically to 15% after the refurbishment. We can also see that the percentages of satisfied and very satisfied visitors combine together grew to 75%, which is much higher than the origin, only 45%.  
  
Turning to another levels of visitor satisfaction, the percentage of very satisfied people decreased slightly from 10% to 5%, and the figure for no response group remained so at 5%. As for the total number of visitors, there was a marked rise of it, arriving at 92000 people during the year.  
  
*
@anggietw  
Hello. It's always good to see new names on the forum. I hope you find this feedback to be helpful. Do keep coming back for more!  
  
Before proceeding to the drawbacks, I would like to mention that your analysis of the writing is quite put together. You had quite a clear perception of how to drag your writing onwards, making your writing effective.  
  
I would firstly recommend not compressing too much information into a short cluster of text. I have observed in your second paragraph that you had quite a distinctive writing because of the way you mesh things together. While you may find this necessary, it would be better if you can prioritize more your writing to make an extensive feedback possible.  
  
The ending of this written work is also quite off-putting because it was quite a scattered conclusion. I recommend revising it into a simpler summation of things to assist you.
## the biggest chance of being successful at sport or music

  
  
TOPIC: *It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician. Discuss both views and give our own opinion.*  
  
MY ESSAY:  
Many people claim that success in sport or music results from innate abilities while others argue people can be trained to excel at those fields. In my opinion, every child can learn to be successful.  
  
On the one hand, there are those who believe that children are presented with special aptitudes when they are born. This statement proves to be right especially in terms of music. Children who read music keys or compose songs from a surprisingly young age are no longer rare. Mozart, for example, could create his own masterpiece at the age of five when other children still learn how to read and write. The same can also be seen in sport. My friend, for instance, has a strong instinct that allows him to become an extraordinary goal keeper of my school's football team.  
  
On the other hand, practice plays an important role in determining future achievements in both sport and music industries. Research shows that the more time children spend on training, the better performance they show. Take the book "Outliers: The Story of Success" by Malcolm Gladwell as an example. He claims that 10000 hours of hard work can make people become expertised in any skills. Another example is the case of Ed Sheeran, a well - known singer. At first, he admitted to have a terrible voice but he manages to sing beautifully now after years of diligent practice.  
  
In conclusion, although having a knack for music or sport can have a powerful impact on success, I believe all children are given the same opportunity to achieve highly in those areas.
## going to a real school or study online

  
  
*Some people think distance learning has more benefits than schools, so schools will disappear from our lives. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?*  
  
Nowadays, with the development of technology, distance learning has become another option for students to acquire knowledge. Effective as it may be, debates of it have yield a spectrum of views. Some claim that learning online is a good choice and one day might replace schools whereas others assert that schools still have its irreplaceable status. My stance is more in line with latter based on following reasons.  
  
First and foremost, the major rationale for going to school is that students could learn how to participate in a group. Often in the family, parents tend to spoil their children, so it is crucial for students to develop an appropriate relationship with their classmates in schools which includes to learn to share food or empathize others. Therefore, they can engage well in society in the future. Also, knowing how to express their ideas in front of the public is also an important value in schools since from teachers' and friends' reaction, children can tell if it is a successful performance or not.  
  
Furthermore, not only can youngsters gain the knowledge of main subjects at schools, they also have other additional classes such as art and music which are essential for students to find their own talent. Most of online courses still focus on cultivating teenagers' academic ability like literacy, but music, art and sports are also very important subjects, too. They can rather train students' left brain and provide alternative way to let off stream. Also, some people are only talented at playing piano and painting, and schools offer a good place to look for their aptitude and seek different possibility.  
  
In a nutshell, although studying online is quite efficient and convenient, given the function of schools to develop communication skills and other talents, I am convinced that school education would not be taken over.
@jocelyne001  
Hi there! Welcome to the forum. As always, if you find this helpful, do tell us. We hope you keep coming back for more.  
  
While I appreciate how packed the first paragraph is, it is quite dragging how many details are smothered into this text. I recommend that you incorporate more technique into incorporating details to assist you in writing.  
  
You also have quite a tendency to create stuffy sentences that are heavy to read. For instance, the third sentence of the first paragraph could have been divided into two separate portions. Remember that this tactic will help you write with more intention because you're focused on content you actually need. Your second to the last paragraph's last sentence also displays a similar concern.
## six languages and how many being used natively

  
  
*The table below gives information about languages with the most native speakers.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
Write at least 150 words.*  
  
The provided table shows key data on the measurements of the six ranking languages in terms of the number of native speakers and the quantity of foreign learners. It also depicts the total number of speakers for each of those languages.  
  
Overall, Mandarin Chinese has the highest figure for people who use this language as their mother-tongue, it is also the most spoken language, whilst, English is the most popular international one.  
  
As can be seen from the table, Mandarin Chinese records 900 million first language users, followed by Hindi with the figure being significantly lower, at 370 million. The third highest used language is Spanish, which records 350 million native speakers. Below 350 million in each of English, Arabic and Portuguese: 339 million, 206 million and 203 million respectively.  
  
According to the table, apart from English, the numbers of speakers as an additional language are considerably lower than those of native speakers. Prominently, in Mandarin Chinese, the former figure almost one-fifth the latter one. Conversely, Hindi has the smallest disparity: the number of first language users is higher than the quantity of foreign leaners by 250 million. Lots of people love English, this language has a total learners of 603 million, which is the highest figure. Not many people learn Spanish, Arabic and Portuguese compared to the other three languages, to specify, the figures for these languages are: 70 million, 24 million and 10 million respectively.  
  
*Please give me some comments, thanks for watching!*  
  
*
@DanggDang  
Hi, dear! Welcome to this forum. If you find any of the feedback you receive here to be useful, please do approach us for more assistance.  
  
While the first paragraph is decent enough and passable, I recommend revising the first parts to create a more concise and form-fitting structure. You mentioned the terms "*number*" and "*quantity*" quite a bit here. Try to merge these two together as they have synonymous content. Apply this technique throughout to create a clearer and more consistent writing.  
  
The third paragraph is also a bit too packed. You can omit, for instance, the first line before you began your analysis. Doing this would assist you in writing more effectively as it would preserve the dynamism of your work. This will also trim down your content so you're left with what's essential.
*Families who send their children to private school should not be required to pay taxes that support the state education system. To what extent to you agree or disagree?*  
  
## this tax is a bad idea

  
  
It is sometimes argued that parents who have children attend to private education don't need to be responsible for taxes that support the state education system. I completely agree with this proposal.  
  
There are several reasons why I object to forcing parents who haven't children study at state school pay taxes for this system. Firstly, those kids aren't received any education methods or facilities from public schools. Secondly, medium income families would be burdened with money because they have to pay twice for children education. Finally, paying extra fee for services that they don't get any benefits from can causes against government attitudes. And this thing is not good for a country.  
  
On the other hand, it can build a equitable society and help households have a better life, as parents are required to pay only private education cost. They can use that money for clothes, vacations...or raising budget for their children getting into college. Besides, to poor families, this money is useful partly for them to pay bills.  
  
In conclusion, It would be great if government didn't build some kinds of law that requiring parents who have kids attend to private school have to pay taxes for state education system.
## expenditure on fast foods by income groups in the uk

  
  
The chart compares the expenditure on fast foods on a weekly basis according to various income levels of British people, and the graph illustrates the consuming tendency of three types of fast foods.  
  
Overall, citizens who had a higher income tended to spend more on fast foods than others. And in terms of types, hamburger, and fish&chips were becoming more popular over the twenty-year period.  
  
According to the bar graph, high-income people loved hamburger the most which cost them more than 40 pence per week, followed by average and low income person who spent 25 and just above 15 pence respectively. In contrast, pizza was the most unwelcome food, especially for low-income people, with the least expenditure of just above 5 pence per week.  
  
In 1970, more than 300 million pizzas were sold which ranked the first, whereas the selling amounts of fish&chips and hamburger were both under 100 million. Over the next decade, the amount of pizza sold saw a slight decline to around 200 million while the other two became more popular and overtook it in the years 1980 and 1985. In 1990, fish&chips attracted more than 500 million consumers followed by hamburger(300 million) and fish&chips(200 million).  
  
Thanks for your time and patience♡♡♡  
  
*
@Rae Zhang  
Hello. Welcome here. I hope you're doing well in your learning journey. If you find this feedback helpful, you can always come back to us.  
  
The first paragraph is sufficient. I would suggest, though, separating the two lines with something a little bit stronger. Try having two separate sentences with a period rather than a comma.  
  
Apart from that, the succeeding paragraphs had concerns mostly circulating around the structure. I would recommend trying to make more concise your sentences to help readers digest the information. In particular, the third paragraph needs a bit of work in terms of separating your thoughts and prioritizing opinions. Try to observe and revise your analysis to better fit the main thesis statements that you ought to follow throughout.