dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## opinions and ideas of elder generation

  
  
**Hi dear members, I wrote an IELTS essay and I am not sure if all expressions, sentences and words are proper enough.  
*The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?***  
  
People are discussing whether advice and ideas given by elder generations are still useful nowadays, in my opinion, indeed, some old opinions are still working for now, but with the era changing, new ideas for modern life should not be neglected either.  
  
On the one hand, old suggestions and advice reflects many splendid characteristics. For example, old opinions that people are supposed to work hard and earn by themselves reflect the importance of being diligent and hard-working. That kind of opinion is a symbol of self-restricting and higher ethical standards which are not allowed to be abandoned by us. What's more, old opinions are always tested by years and years. May be sort of them express an outdated and conservating value system, but a lot of them are trying to guide people for an easier life without useless discovery of faults and mistakes. To conclude, some of the old opinions should be reserved and the younger generation are supposed to follow.  
  
On the other hand, some of them are not suitable for modern life nowadays. Firstly, with eras changing, the society nowadays resembles a little it used to be. In modern life, citizens are more arguing for freedom, diversity and creative ideas, but not old conservatism. That's why many twitters expressing traditional value systems are declined and criticised by young people on the Internet, considering the total disagreement of old views on women, children and occupations. Besides, many traditional ideas express discrimination bout identities, salaries and classes. One vivid examplar is that the famous case of American married gay couple being refused to reserve wedding cake from a cakeshop. This traditional and provincial value system was criticised and the couple sued the shop to the supreme court of the States. To conclude, I argue that not every traditional ideas should be accepted by people nowadays.  
  
In conclusion, although old opinions and ideas sometimes are symbols of ethical standards and well-experienced, people's value system should not be restricted by provincial ideas but distinguishing various views and try to find out suitable ones.  
  
THANK YOU!!
I would say you made some mistake in word choice on top of grammatical errors as following:  
  
1. "with the era changing" => in such an ever-changing era  
  
2. old suggestions and advices reflect~~s~~ many ...  
  
3. AN old opinion IS that people ... REFLECTS the importance ...  
  
4. you shouldn't use "What's more" in academic writing, use "Additionally/Furthermore" for amplification instead.  
  
5. "To conclude, some..." => Should use "Therefore" instead.  
  
6. ..., citizens are MORE yearning for .... THAN old conservatism"  
  
7. "That's why many.." => you should use "That IS why..."  
  
8. "Besides, many traditional ideas " => wrong usage of "Besides" =>use "Beside" as a transitional word , "Besides" for PREPOSITION  
  
9. " One vivid examplar is that.." => Use "For Instance/ for example/ in fact" instead; you shouldn't add such a formal word like EXAMPLAR in your essay as your essay is full of NEUTRAL words.  
  
10. "This traditional and provincial value system was criticised" => To what extent was it criticised? => This ... was HEAVILY criticised  
  
11. ... system was heavily criticised, putting the shop at risk of being sued by the couple"  
  
12. ... by provincial ideas. Instead, they should look at them at different angles and select suitable ones.
Help me with my task 1 essay. How can I improve it?  
  
## Ielts test - chart analysis

  
  
The line graph demonstrates the proportion of female members of parliament in 5 countries in Europe over a 12-year period between 2000 and 2012.  
  
Overall, it is clear that whereas women joining parliament increase in percentage in all the examined nations except that of Belgium throughout the given period.  
  
Focusing on Germany, Italy, and France, while Italy's and France's, at the beginning, were nearly the same, with 27% and 25% respectively, the figure for Germany was considerably higher, at about 34%. However, despite the data for all three countries increasing, in the final year, Italy witnessed an apex by any nation, which was a little below 40%.  
  
Turn to Belgium and the UK, the former started with around 16% female members, which was approximately four times higher than that of the latter, at nearly 5%. In the next 8 years, the fraction of the UK surged to 20%. After that, while the UK female participants' proportion had climbed gradually, the Belgium's had seen an opposite trend by the year 2012. By the end of the period, the figure for Belgium fell to below 25%, which was similar to that of the UK.  
  
*
The summary overview requires additional data. The 5 countries involved in the survey should be listed along with the measurement type. It is not the proportion measured but rather the percentage. Proportion refers to refers to the share of female magistrates when compared to the male magistrates. The percentage, measures the number of women based on an overall composition. For example, "out of 100 % of participants, 25% were women." Proportion is used to refer to "the proportion of the males to females were 15 to 20" .These are differing measurement references. Use the correct measurement indicator at all times.  
  
One of the reasons your essay may not receive a high score is because you did not use alternative references for the phrase female members of parliament. Alternative phrases would have been "women lawmakers", "lady parliamentarians", "female magistrates", to name but a few. You would not have scored well in the LR section as you failed to highlight your ability to use synonyms for the keyword in the presentation.  
  
Also, you had neglected to present the overlapping information within the year 201, when the percentage would be equal for Belgium and France. That should have represented the similarity in the comparison points.  
  
Also, you do not "turn" to Belgium. Rather, you will be "Turning" the discussion towards Belgium. You are currently reviewing the information so use the active action reference.  
  
Your work is acceptable but incomplete. You need to focus more on providing accurate data and a proper analysis of the image provided.
## Solving problems of the number of vehicles on roads

  
  
Traffic on roads has become a problem in nearly every country in the world. What can be done to reduce the amount of traffic at a society level and at an Individual level?  
  
In this age of downfall, people are facing enormous problems especially, number of vehicles on roads are spreading like a fire and have become a global issue simultaneously triggering various worries in our lives. There are some measures such as increment in road taxes and carpooling that can help mitigate the problem of overcrowding of cars on roads which are discussed in the following paragraphs.  
  
First of all, people are becoming car maniac and owning a private car is a matter of pride nowadays and we need to change this mentality by hook or crook. An increment in the rate of interest on vehicle finance or levy of heavy taxes on the purchase of private cars can become a factor to stabilize this issue. For instance, recently Italy has enhanced the cost of vehicle by implementing 5% additional road tax and has got flabbergasting results as there are fewer private cars on the roads, as compared to past.  
  
Furthermore, the above course of actions is not enough to make our roads smoother, it would be more effective if every individual takes initiative towards its betterment by trusting on public transportation which is a great solution to reduce traffic congestion on the road. Moreover, an individual may set an example for others by way of sharing vehicles which is the best method to fight with the sluggish traffic. Carpooling will play a vital role in our future life so this is the perfect time to inculcate this habit which can change the face of our roads.  
  
To recapitulate, although all the above-mentioned corrective measures are little complicated and cumbersome especially carpool as it is the matter of one's self-satisfaction and privacy, but it is most fruitful. Both, society and individual should keep an eye on it which is required to develop a good and efficient lifestyle.
@GATE  
There is a pressure to include more advanced words in essays to score higher. In my uneducated opinion you included too many and not all of them are suitable, and some not even real words. Our task is to try to include advanced words in suitable situations. Wait for the contributor to correct this situation. For me it was hard to read because of too many fancy words and exaggerations but I am not a native speaker, just a student as you are.  
  
*In this age of downfall...number of vehicles on roads are spreading like a fire...* I have an impression that the world is ending and cars are invading the planet. It is too dramatic. The task says that traffic is a problem.  
  
*to make our roads smoother* smooth roads - leass holes and bumps, flat. Not less congested.  
*betterment* It is not a real word.
Why does this essay sound like you ran it through a tremendously inaccurate language translation program? This sounds like you took a dictionary, chose the words you wanted to use, and then used it without regard for relevance, proper usage, or grammar rules? There is absolutely no way that this essay will get a passing score due to severed LR and GRA issues.  
  
You managed to address the topic of the essay. However, you failed to write a coherent essay. You relied on complicated words, where it wasn't required. You will not score well if you only focus on using fancy words. You can definitely fail the test because of the overuse of fancy words. It is absolutely alright to use simple everyday English words in the essay.  
  
You are not scored on vocabulary knowledge, you are scored on proper vocabulary usage. Do not confuse usage for knowledge. The Task 2 essay has to have a natural feel to the discussion. It has to sound like you are writing a proper research or opinion paper. It should not sound like you are trying to show off to the examiner, which is what you did here. I am really getting frustrated with you.  
  
Rather than showing improvements, you seem to be getting worse with every essay that you write, with this one being the worst so far. I cannot even begin to point out the errors in this essay. There are just too many to reflect on in one post. I will try though.  
  
You need to write sensible phrases. There is no sense to the phrase "In this age of downfall." What were you referring to? What downfall?  
  
Try to not exaggerate your opinions. Cars are spreading like a fire? People are becoming car maniac? Overused and memorized phrases like "by hook or by crook? Seriously? "... has got flabbergasting results?" Are you even trying to write a proper academic essay at this point? Or are you just so frustrated with your writing abilities that you did not even care to try anymore?  
  
Your discussion points were valid. Your presentations were laughable though. The examiner will take one look at this essay and know that you tried to use vocabulary that you are not familiar with to write your essay. You memorized "big" words and hoped that using it, whether in the right context or not, could get you passing score. That will never happen. Do not try to impress by using advanced words in the wrong context. You can get a passing score without overdoing the vocabulary. How many times must I repeat to you that clarity and coherence are the only way you can pass this test? You keep failing to represent that in every essay that you write.
## I love the street market in summer

  
  
The whole world seemed ablaze in a slight tint of orange. It was the classic theme of sweet summer. Whilst crowds gathered here at the streetmarket despite the torrid, sweltering heat. It was the peak destination of this wonderful season. Chatterings and laughters brought about constant murmurs, sometimes uproared by the passionate tune of the accordian buskers. Stalls were rowed at both sides of the street. Hawkers were competing with each other, shouting and advertising to gain attention from the public. Things were varied in types and some were indeed, interesting. There were people selling still-alive frogs and crabs. The seafood stalls were the filthiest among all, where sewage and contaminated water flooded the ground. The odour was disgusting and I had seen some of the customers covered their nose as they passed by. Somehow after this, I regained my love and passion. Pancakes and lemonades! They were perfect summer treats. Satisfaction burst forth. I love summer, I love the streetmarket.
When you write a descriptive paragraph, you should use the present tense descriptive format. That way you can take the reader along with you on the walk through the street market. You need to give the reader a chance to imagine what you are describing so you have to use current word presentations. It also helps you use more properly spelled descriptive words as you won't be confused between the present and past tense word usages as you seem to be prone to in the presentation. Other corrections I spotted include:  
  
Spelling:  
streetmarket - (2 words) street market  
Chatterings - the word is not not in the dictionary. You perhaps meant that "people were chatting"? See, this is why I told you to use the active voice in your writing. It helps you avoid vocabulary errors.  
  
laughters - laughter  
uproared - Not a proper vocabulary word. Upstaged would have been a better term.  
accordian - accordion  
  
Grammar:  
punctuation usage - Things were varied in types and some were, indeed, interesting... (needs a comma after were)  
Use a comma between clauses - The odour was disgusting, and  
Use a comma before "and" for message clarity: ... shouting, and ...  
  
Conciseness:  
Use clear and exacting language : Hawkers ~~were~~ competing...  
The ~~whole~~  world  
  
There are more than enough errors in your essay for it not be considered a well developed and descriptive paragraph. Try to write the essay using an active voice and use present tense at all times. That should help you create a better descriptive paragraph. It would be better if you do not try to fix this version and instead, write a totally new descriptive paragraph instead. If you can use a topic more familiar to you other than the market, then you should change the topic also. It will help if you can write a description about something you are familiar with.
## money As a reward for each high grade at school

  
  
*Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school.*  
  
An increasing number of people begin to discuss whether it is a good idea for parents to offer their school-age children money for each high grade they get in school, and many people air their opinion based on their own value systems. The majority of people tend to claim that a clear effort-reward system built by parents incentivize their children to study hard and thus cultivate diligence in their whole lifetime. However, does the claim really ring true, conforming to the real situation? I find myself not on the same wavelength with such an idea. It is my contention that using money as reward for high grade will mislead the value systems of children.  
  
There are a bunch of reasons to support my perspective. For starters, holding exams in school is a way not only for children to review what they've learned in a period of time but also for teachers to track the condition of each student. Linking monetary reward with high grade distorts the meaning and purpose of exam, and what's worse, it will misguide some children to do the wrong thing in order to get the money from their parents. For example, the children may cheat during the exam for the questions they forgot to review and still score high and receive the reward. Besides, offering money as a reward indirectly instill the concept into the children that money is the ultimate purpose for doing anything. That is, without money as incentive, the children probably will not pay any effort to achieve better performance in other extracurricular fields such as sport competitions and club presentations.  
  
Although some may claim validity of the argument that sound communications between parents and children about the true meaning of money reward can solve the issues raised above. At first glance, the argument appears to be somewhat convincing, but further reflection reveals that it leaves out some significant factors that should be addressed to substantiate the argument. For children, the attractiveness of money is not from itself, but probably from the toys and snacks that can be purchased using the money. That is, children ultimately will link money reward with toys and gifts, instead of the attitude of diligence. The communication is not persuasive nor powerful as the simple concept directly given by the high-score-and-reward system.  
  
Of course, there may be some people who may disagree with my position on this matter. They may claim that the frequent high grades scored by children are the direct prove of the success of the money reward system. However, I think the reasons I have provided in favor of my point of view are stronger.
I am not good at analysing the mistake of the essay, but I will help you to point out some grammar mistakes  
  
a reward for the high grade  
the meaning and purpose of the exam  
without money asan incentive  
offering money as a reward indirectly instills.....  
purpose of doing anything (people will say.....for the purpose of.....)  
the validity of the argument  
the direct proof of the success (prove is verb, proof is noun. In your case, it is noun)  
the monetary reward system (money is noun, monetary is adjective)
The first thing that I want to be clear about is, did you write this as a Task 2 essay test or for some other English exam? You did not include the full instructions for the essay so I am unsure about how to review this essay. It is not a common task 2 essay topic. It would help me offer you better advice if I knew what test you are preparing for. You should also let me know if this is just for a writing exercise. I can't review your content and response due to the lack of instructions, but i can advice you regarding the grammar issues of your paper.  
  
So, aside from the mistakes corrected above, your essay still has several errors in it. I'll discuss those problems below.  
  
Spelling:  
instill - instil (single L)  
favor - favour (UK spelling as opposed to American spelling)  
  
Conciseness: Use simpler words that flow better with the essay rather than trying to impress with complicated words or phrases that do not feel natural in the written form.  
  
The majority of - Most  
At first glance, the - The  
probably from - from  
ultimately will - will  
appears to be - is  
somewhat convincing - convincing  
  
Clarity: Again, the words need to feel like a natural reference  
purchased - bought  
  
Contraction: In academic writing, always spell out both words. Never use the casual English shortcuts.  
they've - they have  
what's - what is  
  
Avoid using overused expressions and casual English phrases:  
on the same wavelength - ... in agreement
## More and more students are choosing to study at colleges and universities in a foreign country

  
  
Nowadays, entering higher education in oversea has gained popularity. While some people accept that there are advantages to this decision, others think that it has many disadvantages.  
  
The opinion of studying in a foreign nation is drawbacks to some extent. The main shortcoming is that students have to expenditure too much money on their basic needs, including accommodation, food, and other bills. All these were more prohibitively expensive than in the country and this increases the financial pressure on them. Besides, living oversea makes students encounter differences in culture such as festivals, cuisines, lifestyles. This requires overseas students to need much time to adapt, which leads to neglect learning and low academic results.  
  
On the other hand, it seems to many people choosing to study abroad because of some undeniable advantages. Firstly, studying abroad provides students with opportunities to learn in top-ranked universities, where has excellent professors and modern learning equipment. This helps them to obtain specialized knowledge and an international learning environment. This makes it easier for them to get a well-paid job. Secondly, students had many opportunities to communicate with native citizens in various cultures. This improves social knowledge, English-speaking skill, and increases the likelihood of communicating. All these help students to become mature than on their peers.  
  
In conclusion, some citizens believe that there are many benefits to studying abroad, although this decision has come notable drawbacks.
Hi  
The first point is you should type your topic completely here to let everyone understand that type of topic is  
The second point is your introduction and your conclusion are too short that people feel you want to pass them quickly  
The third point is some grammar mistakes  
- "Secondly, students have many opportunities..." (why you used past tense here)  
- you shouldn't write "seem" in the essay  
- ... to become more mature than their peers.
You totally missed the point of the essay. You were being asked to deliver a personal opinion regarding the topic. Do you think it is an advantage or disadvantage? The discussion instruction was:  
  
*Do the benefits of studying abroad outweigh the drawbacks? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
What should have done with this question was analyze the question basis. What is the background for the question? What do you think about studying abroad? If you were given the chance to go abroad to continue your studies? Would you take the opportunity? If yes, why? If no, why? Weigh your responses. Which side do you agree with more? Based on your personal preference, discuss the topic. Base your discussion ONLY on the side that you support / agree with.  
  
You used a general comparative discussion approach. That is only used in the comparative essay format (Discuss both points of view...) In this case you have 2 possible approaches to the discussion.  
  
- Show an advantage point, but then present reasons why it is a disadvantage  
  
OR  
  
- Present an advantage point and explain why this cannot be considered a disadvantage  
  
This is the format I often advise my students to use . That is the more appropriate and better scoring A/D paragraph discussion.Show an advantage as the topic sentence, but then proceed to explain why it isn't an advantage after all. It shows a clearer and more connected discussion paragraph. It also allows the student to discuss 2 topics by using one reason per topic.  
  
The discussion response, at the end of the prompt paraphrase should be:  
  
*If I were given a chance to study abroad, I would consider it a dis/advantage for 2 reasons.*  
  
Use a single discussion topic paragraph discussion paragraph. Consider your response very well. Use at least 10 minutes to outline and consider your response. Your discussion development should be based on your strong opinion or support for one point of view. This essay shows only a discussion but no decision on your end regarding a particular side to support. Your essay will be scored low because of this indecision in specific sections of the scoring rubic. Remember to consider your personal preference as this is what the essay is using as the basis of your response.