The prompt paraphrase you presented is creative and connects the two public discussion points in a cohesive manner. You used an excellent / coherent presentation method that shows an understanding of the topic and a clear control of writing using cohesive devices. However, your opinion presentation is incorrect. You are not supposed to refer to a side to support since you you have not considered the discussion requirements yet. Rather, you should have done one of two things:  
  
- Given a clear opinion that could be separate from the two given points of view  
- Given a general statement that would have indicated a comparative point of view for both opinions ( ex. I would like to consider the merits of both sides before giving my opinion for each discussion topic.)  
  
The reason for these 2 choices is that you are being asked to write a comparative + personal opinion essay. This is weakly referenced in your presentation as you did not properly develop the discussion points based on the 5 paragraph format. You opted to use the 5 paragraph format when you stated an opinion as a part of the thesis statement in paragraph 1. The format for the discussion paragraphs should have been:  
  
Par. 1: Restatement + opinion  
Par. 2: Fully developed discussion of the first point of view (topic sentence, reason for public opinion, example, additional supporting sentence (optional) transition sentence to the next point of view)  
  
Par. 3: Content is the same as Par. 2 using the second topic  
Par. 4: Detailed personal opinion that follows the content format for the previous 2 paragraphs  
Par. 5: Summary conclusion that reiterates your opinion at the end  
  
Your second paragraph combined 2 discussion points that needed to be considered separately based on formatting and C&C requirements. As such, this paragraph became under developed, lacking in both coherence and cohesiveness due to the badly discussed reason presentations. It does not have any real convincing elements included for either subject that could properly explain the public points of view to the examiner. Refer to the paragraph content as I mentioned above for specific discussion requirements for each paragraph.  
  
The summary conclusion at the end that summarizes your discussion points as scored as a part of your overall scoring consideration. Properly restating the previous discussion in short form, adds to your TA, LR, GRA, and C&C score because it shows that you are capable of restating the full discussion in an alternative form (similar to, but different in presentation from the prompt restatement paragraph). That is why this is called a reverse paraphrase. It is just as important as the prompt restatement at the start due to its ability to further increase your final overall score.  
  
The concluding paragraph you presented would have had a clearer presentation if you had divided the thoughts into at least 2 sentences. You created a run on sentence that focused only on your point of view, totally negating the prior discussion points presented in the original prompt. As there is no accurate restatement in this concluding summary, it cannot be considered properly developed and helpful to the closing of the opinion statement. In this manner, this section will lower your GRA and TA score rather than help to increase it.