dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Topic: Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
IELTS writing task2: ## The importance of computer

  
  
When the first computer was introduced in XVIII century, it has initiated an evolution among the world and has became the most powerful invention until now. The question is, what aspects of the computers make it become the indispensable invention in modern life? This essay will discuss about these reasons.  
  
Firstly, computers is the father of all technology devices. Which means that if computers had not been invented, we would have jumped back to one century ago. Programers make their program on computer, desingers create their art on computer, architects do their process by the help of computer. As a consequence, computer becomes the essential invention of human life. For example, the smartphone, television or any high technology devices is an illusion of human being until computers was invented.  
  
Secondly, if you have a computer, you have the hold multimedia industry. Computer provides a wide varity of entertainment, which can save us a great amount of money. For instance, there are a thoundsand of gaming company trying their best to recreate the best gaming experience for their users on computer. With a price from 200$ to 500$, a person can purchase a laptop for themself. Thus, it is common that everybody have their own laptop or personal computer, and the benefits of this device is considerably well to its price.  
  
Last but not least, computer is the key for human being to move to the future. In present, some advanced technology was introduced which make human's ambition becomes true. Take Alphago for example, Alphago is the first artificial intelligence that can beat human being in Chinese chess. It is not early to say that, with the help of computer, human being is ready to initiate the new future.  
  
In conlusion, computer not only the most important invention of all time but also the milestone of human's development.  
  
**Would you guys can give me some feedback about my writing, i am appreciate your help. Thanks you all in advance! And Merry Christmas!!**
The question is, what aspects of the computers ... I do not think it is appropriate to ask a question here  
  
This essay will discuss ~~about~~ these reasons. computer ~~is~~ the father of all technology devices.  
  
... devices~~.~~ which means ...  
These two sentences can be connected  
  
... on computer, ~~desingers~~  designers ?create their art on computer, architects do their process by the help of computer.  
  
computer ~~becomes~~  has become ...  
The conclusion should be around 3 sentences.
Prompt: *The widespread use of the internet has given people access to information on a level never experienced before. How does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?*  
  
## widespread information effects

  
  
Nowadays, we live in an environment where privacy is a myth. The world has experienced technology advancements never encountered in any other time throughout history. These inventions, the Internet for example, provides widespread and easy-to-access information. Thus, Does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?  
  
As intriguing and admirably inventive as the easy access to information seems, the Internet, treated as an unusual phenomenon, might showcase some incontrovertibly dangerous effects on life nowadays.  
  
Privacy has been brutally invaded. Private life events, achievements, relationships and even work status has become available to all. Hence, anyone has the ability to figure out anyone's responsibilities and engagements and even manipulate them through the little details overtly unfolded to the world.  
  
Aside from privacy invasion, the information we often have a contact with can represent a bad influence on our lives as it detects our interests and analyze our occupations to create a profile of all the attachments we have. Therefore, our choices can be manipulated and our personalities can be altered, usually negatively to make us greedier or much more tense and uncaring in our day-to-day lives.  
  
To conclude, the free and enormously widespread information has substantial benefits for researches and human communication. Yet, we must avoid the causes of harm it creates.
Majd , your opening statement thesis is a cut and paste of the original prompt. That will result in a lower scoring consideration for you because, while you did show that you understood the topic for discussion, you do not have the English vocabulary skills that will allow you to restate the thesis in your own words. This will result in a lower scoring consideration for your discussion requirement. Let me show you how this should have been presented in your paper:  
  
*The internet has redefined the way people across the world access information. The fact that data is now readily available for anyone who needs it is believed to have allowed the internet to have more significance in the way people go about their daily business. I believe that the internet has become more important in our everyday lives because it helps people make informed decisions regarding important decisions they make on a daily basis.*  
  
You have to give a direct response to the question you were given because that will form the thesis statement of your essay. You do not need to restate the question because that does not really lay the foundation for your response explanation throughout the essay. By the way, have a constant minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph so that you can explain yourself in a more coherent manner. Your second paragraph doesn't really help your essay move forward because the discussion is too short for the presentation.  
  
Don't forget that you need to use transition sentences between the paragraphs in order to keep the connection of each paragraph discussion connected to your previous presentation. You don't offer that in this essay which is why the discussion seems highly abrupt, and not very cohesive although it is coherent to a certain extent. Your concluding statement does not reflect the correct discussion as originally presented. So your concluding statement created a prompt deviation. All of these mistakes can add up to result in a failing score or a barely passing presentation. It all depends upon the more minute requirements of the examiner when it comes to scoring considerations.
Hi  
i think you did not studied the strategies for TOEFL independent essay.  
overall for toefl questions you can get a good score with using some strategies and structures.  
for writing question 2 as well you need to know some strategies and follow them to get a good score in this question.  
here i will show you an example.  
your entire essay should contain five paragraphs.  
introduction, three body paragraphs and conclusion.  
for introduction, in the first write a general statement that shows your inclination to the answer of the question and then write a transition such as ( as far as i am concerned i claim that ...) and then try to predict about three major points that you want to write three body paragraphs about them.  
  
the next three body paragraphs: start the first sentence by saying something general about the first point that you predicted in the introduction paragraph and then supporting details, examples and reasons. and at the end of each body paragraph write a (cause and effect) sentence.  
  
and finally write your conclusion by paraphrasing your side from introduction and three points.
PROMPT: *The growing number of overweight people putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## ways to stop obesity epidemic

  
  
Recently, public health has been in the limelight and has aroused wide concern. Although some advance cogent arguments in defense of providing more physical education in the teaching program, it cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach for mankind to combat obesity and alleviate the pressure put on healthcare systems.  
  
From a factual perspective, physical education alone does not exert significant impacts on society, thus creating no real positivity in terms of addressing the obese unrest. Nowadays, being overweight is an epidemic not restricted only to the young generations, namely students. As a matter of fact, according to a recent report "Obesity and the unknown" published in May, 2017 by Harvard researchers, senior and middle-aged dwellers account for more than fifty percent of overweight population across the globe, proving that physical education at school is of no great value to minimize the number of obese citizens. In addition, there are other more efficient measures that should be implemented besides physical-oriented education such as constructing and improving public sports facilities. In today's context, since more and more people are having sedentary jobs that compromise their physical health, such facilities are ideal incentives for people to stay healthy.  
  
Simultaneously, it is individual awareness that is essential to ensuring one's physical well-being. In fact, people's appearances and health status are a direct reflection of their diets. Therefore, it is of great importance that citizens need to be fully informed of nutrition knowledge and food intake in lieu of merely receiving physical education when at school. Moreover, people should attach great significance to healthy lifestyle. This, according to a new study in the early 2017 on obesity by Yale scientists, proves to be medically beneficial because when thinking 'healthy' at a constant frequency, people start to produce chemical substances known as 'Alyme' in their prefrontal cortex, creating habits of automatically doing exercises on a regular basis and being extremely cautious in terms of health issues. This certainly paves the way for people to keep fit.  
  
In essence, the notion of physical education is of paramount importance to helping the community alleviate the health-care systems' pressure on addressing obesity epidemic. It is also worthwhile in the view of some people that there are more convincing reasons why physical education is not the best solution for this predicament.  
  
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Thanks in advance for the feedback! I'll appreciate very much if anyone can evaluate my essay ^0^
tuvi, your essay will receive a failing score in an actual test based on the prompt deviation that you created. This being an extent essay required you to represent your opinion in the essay based on a strength of conviction or belief in a particular side of the discussion. Words such as totally, fully, partially, completely, minimally, largely, and other descriptive emotional responses can be used to respond properly to the prompt. The proper presentation for this opening paraphrase that would have helped you to create a passing TA presentation is as follows:  
  
*As the heavy set people continue to put pressure on the health care programs of the world, it is becoming increasingly difficult to to solve the health situation. One way of dealing with this problem, according to some, is to make sure that the proper physical education is taught in schools. I strongly agree with this idea due to a number of reasons.*  
  
Note that at the end of this statement, I clearly responded to the prompt requirement regarding the extent of my agreement or disagreement with the given statement. Your mistake was:  
  
*Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Your Discussion: it cannot be viewed as the ultimate approach for mankind to combat obesity and alleviate the pressure put on healthcare systems.*  
  
As you can see, your opening paraphrase did not accurately represent nor respond to the prompt. Which is why you ended up discussing something other than the original discussion topic provided. That is why your essay cannot pass this test.
**Boys are most influenced by their fathers and girls are most influenced by their mothers. Do you agree or disagree? Use specific reasons to support your opinion.**  
  
## Both Parents Affect Children equally?

  
  
People often contend that boys are under the greatest influence of their father while the mother has the most significant impacts on their girls. In my opinion, I strongly agree with this idea.  
  
Right after being aware of their gender, children were attracted by parental actions, in which the same-sex influence was of the much more popularity. Day by day, they noticed the way their parents communicate to each other, react to life situations, handle with their work, play with them, and they mimic everything from their parents to gradually form their personality.  
  
Most boys think that they were born to be brave, strong, powerful, who do the big things and will become breadwinners like their father. They idolize their father and see them as the strongest model, especially during their childhood. Trying to imitate their father's actions give them the feeling of becoming a real man. Boys are the most loyal followers of their father in both playing sport and cheering sports matches.They show their interest in sports since the early ages and consider physical activities needing much strength not a topic for girls. Another example that worth discussing relates to colors. By looking at their parent's daily clothes, they can jump to the conclusion about the color distinction between girls and boys that the colors used by their father are also for men and colors like pink, red will be definitely out of their color board.  
  
By contrast, maternal influence is shown the most clearly in the girls' personality. Little girls admire their mother not only by their sacrifice, diligence, tolerance, and faithfulness but also by their wealth of knowledge. From the girls' eyes, the greatest teacher, the best chef, the most interesting storyteller, the smartest financial manager and the most reliable friend is the same person- their mother. The significant mother-daughter relationship affects the behavior as well as emulation of girls. If the mother is a modest woman, so is her girl; if the mother is a successful, but arrogant businesswoman, their girl may be hardly friendly and sociable.  
  
To conclude, although gen decides mostly the difference between the two sexes as well as the similarity in terms of personality between the same-sex members in a family, children are still affected by both their parents and use parents as a place of emotional repairs. This influence does not extend across gender limits.
Ann, this essay has a number of problems that will affect its ability to get a proper passing score in an actual test setting. The major problem of the essay lies in the irregular sentence number per paragraph. There is a maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. You have paragraphs that number 6 sentences which means points will be deducted in the consider of your TA score. You also have run-on sentence presentations throughout the essay. This creates 2 sentences in a number of paragraphs instead of the minimum 3 sentences. Yes, points will again be deducted for that error. Always aim to have 3-5 sentences per paragraph in order to fall within the TA scoring considerations.  
  
A properly formatted sentence and paragraph will also help you create a proper simple and complex sentence structure for the GRA scoring considerations. Keeping the sentences and paragraphs of the appropriate lengths may also help you create a more coherent and cohesive paragraph presentation since you will be focusing your discussion on a single, complete idea per paragraph.  
  
Be aware of the words you are typing. Always proofread and edit your paper for possible mistakes in sentence presentation, vocabulary use, and spelling. In your conclusion, you said "gen" when you meant to say "gender". While "gen" may be slang term in your country, an academic essay test requires you to use academic and formal language at all times. Your presentation is strong in terms of reasoning, but has a number of problems that weaken that impression as indicated above.
Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
## Governments to guide people to healthy habits

  
  
In recent decades, lifestyle-caused diseases have become widespread in many countries around the world, causing public controversy. Although many governmental efforts have been made to tackle this problem, financial investments in promoting a healthy lifestyle can be viewed as an ultimate approach.  
  
Governments can achieve many unexpected advantages in the long run by helping their citizens have a healthy lifestyle. First, it will eventually reduce substantially the average medical expenditure the governments spend on an annual basis. For example, Mexico was able to save up to one billion dollars on medical bills last year to deal with their citizens' chronic diseases by building more public gyms. Second, given the immense medical pressure local hospitals have to take, raising awareness of a good lifestyle would be an ideal solution. In fact, if people pay more attention to get rid of bad habits to the health, the need for medical attention will decrease considerably.  
  
Another compelling reason why public spending should be used to guide people to healthy habits is how easy it is to implement with a great rate of success. First, just by offering some small financial rewards, citizens will be motivated to do physical activities that are beneficial to their body. For instance, Japanese people are required to do ten squats in order to use subway services for free, which contributes to build a greater well-being. In addition, if the governments can build more free gyms with the state of the art facilities, it will incentivize more people to embark on carb-burning activities. In fact, it has been proved successful in Malaysia with a 55% more office workers doing exercise when the governments eliminated fees in city gyms.  
  
In conclusion, given the high efficiency and great likelihood of success, the governments should take steps to ensure their citizens having a healthy lifestyle.
Dear Matthew,  
I am going to highlight a few structural and meaning-related weaknesses to improve:  
\* " In recent decades, lifestyle-caused diseases..." --> I would use " lifestyle-related " because " Lifestyle-caused " refers to the diseases that are caused by a certain lifestyle, which is not accurate, as you should qualify the lifestyle (healthy, bad ...). I hope you got the meaning.  
  
\* " ...unexpected advantages " --> you ought to use " effective " to get the sought meaning of the argument.  
\* " ...it will eventually reduce substantially... " --> I did not appreciate the use of two consecutive adverbs. Not that the meaning is not clear or anything, but, it damages the structure of the sentence. Thus, I would recommend keeping " eventually " and changing the involvement of how important the reduction of medical expenditure is by saying " ...it will eventually reduce the average medical expenditure the governments spend on annual basis in major rates. "  
  
\* " Another compelling reason why public ..." --> I did not really get what you were explaining in the aforementioned sentence. Whatsoever, it had some clear structural mistakes.  
  
Overall, your essay is good. If you keep practicing you will definitely improve.  
Thank you!
Matthew, the score for this essay is a 3. The main reason why this essay failed overall is because you did not discuss the required topic in the body of the essay. You created your own prompt question and decided to answer that. I would like you to consider the following outline in order to figure out where your mistake lies:  
  
*Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
Your Discussion: ... financial investments in promoting a healthy lifestyle can be viewed as an ultimate approach.*  
  
When you separate the two discussion methods as presented in the original prompt and the opening paraphrase that you created, it is easy to see why the essay you wrote will not pass the test. Rather than discussing an extent essay, you chose to discuss methods by which a healthy lifestyle can be promoted instead. Nothing about your opening paraphrase falls under the expected discussion requirements. The topic you chose to discuss is not even part of the original prompt. Therefore, the essay cannot pass the test. It will be useless for me to point out the errors in the other sections of your essay because it makes no difference in the final outcome of your score. This essay is a failure and will not pass the main scoring considerations.
kayaD, try to improve the presentation of your thesis statement. At the moment, it appears that there are two unrelated topics poised for discussion in the essay. Before you present these questions, you should first give an overview of the economic situation of students and the political discussion behind it that creates the non-affordable scenario for college education. Presented in that manner, you will create an impressive and analytical opening presentation for your later thesis statements.  
  
In order to create an authoritative essay, you need to cite at least 4 sources for this typed of presentation. Using only one source limits your discussion scenario and creates a bias essay. In order to portray an evenly researched and accurately informed discussion, various sources of information are required. The more your sources, covering various aspects relevant to the given discussions, the more convincing your presentation and discussion becomes. At the moment, the essay feels like it isn't ready to defend itself in a public forum for discussion because it uses information from only one source. It creates a weak presentation and little informed presentation.  
  
Your second paragraph is strong but needs to be reversed in presentation so that the basis of the data comes before the data itself. Create a foundation before you inform the reader. So first, you have to discuss how difficult it is to complete a college education then, after that, present the percentages of graduates and drop outs.  
  
As for the 3rd paragraph, you need to break it up into 2 more paragraphs. It is too long and difficult to follow. You should know where to cut the essay into another paragraph. I'll leave that decision up to you. By the way, don't start and sentence with the connecting word "Because". There is no prior thought consideration to connect so, based on academic writing rules, using the term at the start of the sentence is misplaced and not required.