dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
You did an almost excellent job in the restatement. You represented the topic and the reason for the discussion in a manner that I hope, represents the original prompt, without repeating any keywords. I would have preferred to read the original prompt to give a more detailed analysis of that section of your writing, but this will have to do. I'll just assume you did not repeat key phrases. By the way, your response to the question, it has a missing descriptive word that would have given the sentence proper meaning. You forgot to say "In my personal OPINION", since that is what was being asked for in the discussion instruction.  
  
The reasoning paragraphs are too busy. You are offering way too much justification without focusing on the important scoring considerations such as the LR, GRA, or C&C sections. It would have been better if you stopped after 5 sentences, instead of proceeding to overwhelm the paragraph with information that no longer helps your discussion point. It created avenues for language errors in terms of sentence structure, word usage, and discussion focus. In this case, saying what you you have to say in a clear manner without being too wordy, would help you get a better score in the previous sections I mentioned.  
  
Your conclusion presentation needs to be able to summarize the essay content within 3-5 sentences or 40 words. That is another reason why you should not offer too much evidence per paragraph. It makes it difficult for you to properly recapitulate the content at the end.
Hi, your essay is written well. However, I found some errors, try to be more careful!  
- ... works decline**s** the stress...  
- ...can be talking-> **talk** together...  
- they will not **in** that fear  
- you use household works too often. Try to use another words like chores, housework, household duties ...  
- your sentences are excessive. You should create concise ones more.  
Hope my sugestions useful!
Your essay's strongest points lie in your opinion. Your views are well represented and are usually readable to the audience. It's direct and doesn't waffle. However, with those strengths also lie your weaknesses. Consider the following sentence:  
  
- **Firstly, sharing household works decline the stress ...**  
  
This sentence is one of the best examples of the problem your essay faces. Your sentences often feel either crowded, poorly arranged, and/ awkwardly worded. For this sentence, you don't need to say "Firstly"; you opened your paragraph with "To begin with". "Works," although is correct, is not the best word choice, especially as you a referring to household maintenance. I would also make the paragraph gender-neutral to reduce unintentional gender bias to come through as the question asks you to look through both men's and women's perspectives. My change for this would be:  
  
= **Sharing household chores reduces the stress ...**  
  
You could afford a longer introduction and conclusion. I would suggest laying out the reasons why you agree with the opinion as it lays a format that allows the audience to follow in your essay. I would also suggest you give more justifications for your opinions. This way, you can make your conclusion longer as you recap what you have covered previously.  
  
Hopefully, this helps!  
  
Sincerely,  
Me
## studying and working simultaneously

  
  
As you know, we are living in the Technology Age. People is becoming more and more intelligent, especially teenagers. They are passionate and desirable. Some of them can find a job when they are still going to school. Certainly, I think it is a good idea.  
  
Firsrly, they can earn the money by themselves. Several jobs like: servicing at a coffee shop or restaurant, taking care of baby,... will bring them an amount of money. From this, they can save money or buy something they want. Moreover, they are partly independent from their parents. And this help their family income.  
  
Secondly, they will get more experiences for their career. They will know how to solve the problem, communicate fluently, broad their relationships,... Therefore, they become more and more mature. They know what they really want to do and which job is suitable for them. So that, they can choose the next steps for their career.  
  
However, some students are becoming worse at studying because they just focus on earning money from their job. They must aware that the job is minor and their study is the most important thing. They need to arrange their schedule reasonably. Therefore, they will have benefits from two sides.  
  
That teenagers gave a job while they are still students has both benefits and drawbacks. To sum up, I presonally think it is quite a good idea.
Since the original discussion referred to some countries, it was inappropriate of you to make a reference to the Technology Age as the discussion topic basis. That is not the actual prompt topic. You should have given a more identical topic representation to the original. So no reference to Technology Age but definitely refer to "Your adults worldwide". You should not have offered a personal reason in the second sentence yet. While this should have been a 3 sentence presentation, using personal opinions this early, when it is not yet required for the discussion, should not have been something that you did. While the presentation has good points in relation to the original prompt, there are also negative presentations, that alter the original discussion. So the TA score will be starting your scoring consideration off at a disadvantage.  
  
Do not use creative writing punctuation marks in academic writing. There is no sense in using ellipses in the second paragraph because you are not referring to a creative pause in your writing. You are closing the sentence, as required in academic presentations. avoid using non-academic references such as "more and more". These are memorized phrases that will not help increase your TA, LR, or GRA scores.  
  
This is a single opinion essay presentation. Using the comparative paragraph will not count towards your final score. Instead, it might force you to come under the minimum word count, resulting in a non word count compliant essay, with deductions applied for not fully discussing your single opinion presentation. The conclusion, is less than 40 words and is not composed of 2 sentences so expect to have additional TA score reductions based on that error.  
  
Your overall essay has only 231 words. So there will be proper deductions for the missing 19 words. Incorporate the deductions for the irrelevant paragraph and you will definitely have a non-passing essay presentation for this task. Always use 2-5 sentences per paragraph to help ensure that you meet the minimum word count. The more complex and simple sentence presentations you have, the higher your word count will also be. Aim to write between 275-290 words in 5 sentences, within 4 paragraphs.
Please leave some advice on my essay. Much appreciated!  
(If my introduction is not good, can you suggest another correct one for me?)  
  
***Topic:  
Some people claim that what many people eat in western countries is unhealthy food and that their diet is getting worse.  
Critics say that these countries should change their diet.***  
## What is your opinion on this?

  
  
Here is my essay:  
  
Convenience food is considered as a specific cultural aspect of numerous Western countries. However, this diet is acknowledged to be unhealthy for citizens. That's why there are unnumbered arguments claiming that an eating habit innovation is vital to Western nations. In my opinion, although I agree that the obesity rates are getting worse among Western civilization, I am in total disapproval of modifying their whole diet due to some reasons. The explanation will be given after discussing the devastating state of obesity.  
  
To begin with, obviously the processed food makes great contributions to various chronic diseases. Take obesity for example, recent research has indicated that 70% residents in Western nations is likely to suffer from stroke, sleeplessness and other dangerous illnesses because of being obese. As a result, this fact has put enormous burden on the government's medical system. Consequently, a massive amount of money will be paid for obesity treatment, which could downgrade the national economy.  
  
Despite the alarmist state above, eating habit innovation intensive disadvantages. Oneunnumbered impact of it is loss of diverse cultures , which can be resulted thanks to the change of cuisine. Cooking aspect represents for its nation. Therefore, eliminating a national cuisine can also mean vanishing heterogenious culture. What's more, not only unumbered money will be spent on changing cooking system, but the fast-paced world of these nations can not suitable to any other cuisines except fast food. That's why Western countries should not innovate their diet.  
  
In order to prevent the devasating effects of obesity, I believe that putting high taxes on fast food instead of changing all the diet will reduce its consumption and improve the health of community.  
  
In conclusion, although the Western countries are indeed facing to the risk of high obesity rates, I highly recommend that they had better put taxes on proccessed food rather than innovating their whole cuisine.
There is no reference to convenience food in the original prompt. So you changed the discussion focus in this case. The reference is on the diet in general, there is no specific food style being indicated. Do not change the topic in your representation. Your second sentence is more appropriate as it refers to the general diet of the those living in the West. That should have been the opening sentence / topic representation. You are using contractions so early in the presentation. This removes the academic tone of your writing. Use a professional writing style or a student writing style. That means, no contractions, Use the whole word. There is no sense in using shortcuts when you are trying to prove a familiarity with the English grammar rules under the GRA considerations.  
  
Do not use exaggerated reference words such as "devastating". There is no need to be sensationalist. You are not writing for a tabloid. You are writing for educated professionals who understand civil reference words and do not take kindly to over hyped references. I realize you are trying to improve your LR score, but do so using an academic manner / choice of words.  
  
Try not to refer to "recent research" since you are asked to refer to personal knowledge or experience. You can use the percentage data, but in a conversational tone. No need to make references to the source of information. This is just an academic discussion, not a research paper. When you say "recent research", you have to cite the source, which is not needed in this writing so it is better not to make any reference to sources at all.  
  
Again with the use of "trigger" words. Do not create sensationalism where there is none. The word "alarmist" is totally exaggerated and refers to non-academic discussion. You are not writing for fake news here. No need to make people panic. Write in an even, calm, and academic tone instead.  
  
There is no such word as "oneunnumbered". Were you trying to say "innumerable" instead? Do not use words you are not certain of, the negative impact of using uncertain words will be on your LR and GRA score.  
  
There is no need to offer a suggestion regarding preventing the effects of obesity, This is a prompt deviation that will be deducted from your overall word count and will be taken against your TA score. Most specially since you used the suggestion for your concluding statement rather than the more appropriate reverse paraphrase presentation.
**Q1.  
*You are walking home alone when you notice signs of storm gathering around you.*  
## Describe what happens and how you feel as you make your journey to shelter.**  
  
Black ominous clouds blanketed the naked sky, with a cluster of roaring eyes crawling in the open vastness. Deafening gusts of wind swept across the grassy plains; the dense, mossy foliage writhed in the murky darkness.  
  
The wind lashed upon the skeletal palm trees in the distance, ripping off its fragile branches in profound lividness. The fearsome gale rummaged through the moor for its next victims. The torrential wind pounced upon my consciousness as I struggled to keep myself from falling. Thunder roared more intensely and I could feel the storm ready to pour at any moment. I could see the house clearly now; the smashed windows, splintered wooden doors, and a sea of wilting Hydrangea all over the lawn.  
  
The house towered like a dormant volcano amidst the wilderness, surrounded by an aura of misty malevolence. As I slowly walked further, clouds of anxiety floated in my mind. Beads of perspiration were spouting on my forehead. I felt as though my paranoia had grown its claws and was clenching my mind.  
  
The rusty, iron gate creaked loudly as I pushed it open. Rotten planks of wood lay upon the threshold like a corpse, shrouded by layers of soot and mud. Meanwhile, rain throbbed against the thatched roof and the echoing sound of water dripping broke the suffocating silence.  
  
The ceiling was as dark as slate. A bulb tied to a grey rope hung from the ceiling, swaying sideways like a pendulum, fighting against the gushes of wind. The floorboards snapped from the pressure of my Wellington boots. I noticed a small coffee table sitting mirthlessly in a corner. Its surfaces were encrusted in mould and dried up leaves.  
  
I could hear the barren, orphaned stretches of the moor yelping in utter desperation. The iron gate clanked against the pillars, which stood firmly like sentinels summoning their strength to fight back.  
  
I wondered to myself; was I now trapped?
In the description of the sky, you said it was naked right? So how a naked sky have roaring eyes crawling about? If the sky is naked, then it cannot have crawling eyes. That is a contradictory description that does help me create a mental image of what you are saying. Yes, you can be exaggerated int he description, but you have to be realistic. The description should help create the mental image. So if the sky was naked, then it could have shots of bluish light flashing across it, since you are describing an oncoming storm  
  
Naked sky + shooting lights = imagery  
  
Lividness is not a word that can be found in the dictionary. You made up a word back there that again, does not help in creating an image. You could instead have written "lividity", which can describe anger as the wind rips the branches off. Remember, word accuracy counts. If you make it up or it doesn't have an actual meaning, it will not help your description as the reader will not be able to create a mental image for it. Torrential rain is more apt than torrential wind as a descriptive word in this presentation.  
  
It is difficult to imagine you being sweaty in the middle of the rainstorm you are describing. You have to keep with the image you are building. You are not sweating, you should be shivering in the cold with your skin hairs standing on end.  
  
Gusts of wind are what occur not gushes.  
  
Look, I am ending up having to give you a vocabulary lesson in this case, I should not be rewriting this essay for you. All this exercise proves is that you are not good at descriptive essay writing because you do not have enough of a vocabulary to create mental images with in written form. You have to read more fictional English books and take note of how the writers describe their scenes. That will teach you vocabulary and proper scene set up writing. You should also read more English based comic books as these are always using descriptive words in their dialogues. That type of reading will definitely help you develop better imagery skills in written form. As of now, you have made a good effort, but you are far from achieving your goal at the moment.
***In the past, the role of teacher was to provide information. Today, student have access to wide sources of information. There is therefore, no role of teacher in modern education.***  
  
## DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE.

  
  
It is true that now students are easy to catch the new information with the progress of the technology, the internet can quickly broaden students' horizons, especially everyone has their own smartphone. Since this situation in our daily life, there is a doubt about what kind of the role that teacher has to play. While as my opinion I still believe there are several reasons to prove the value and the necessity of teacher.  
  
Firstly, even there are plenty of informations but if you can't distinguish and categorize the resources true or fake, it will be a disaster. Teacher through all the training and pass the tests to become tutor with independent thinking ability the most important skill that students have to enhance nowadays. In order to develop the independent thinking teacher could be a major bridge to help students building their own world view. For example the website are fulfill with much violent and pornography. In my case, when I was a child I addicted and lose myself on online world during that time I become more frustrated and irritated easily but it is fortunate that teacher find out my change and give me some advices to deal with my emotion and how to avoid the negative website. I trust that in these day thus all the answers can find simply but teacher can not only offer their help on emotion problem but also share their own experience of life that website can't give.  
  
Furthermore, teacher could be your tower when losing direction in your life. Some people said that good teacher is like your second parent. Building relationship with teacher will be a motivation to improve and may be a key point to change students' live. To sum up, although there are fulfill information but I fully support teacher take a important role to students and I believe it won't change in the future.
It is true that now students  
This is only a discussion essay. There is no instruction asking you if the statement being made is true or false. It is important that you donot alter the original presentation in any way, within your rewording of the topic. That is because of the task accuracy requirements that analyzes how well you can adhere to the original presentation, without adding, removing, or giving a personal opinion that will change the original prese4ntation. The mere presence of this opening sentence already changed the statement from a discussion topic to a personal opinion. Expect to have score reductions in the TA score due to that information addition. Your opening paraphrase in fact, does not adhere to the original prompt restatement as you began discussing an opinion, rather than merely restating the topic and responding to the question, without a discussion scope for your reasons yet. The first paragraph is always a paraphrase of the original, with a response to the given question. You will not get a passing TA score due to the overall error in your restatement. You did not respond to the question as required.  
  
Do not use contractions in the Task 2 presentation. Contractions are shortened forms of English words that are not academically acceptable in formal writing. Your Task 2 essay is a formal piece of writing. As such, the full word must be spelled out. The contractions have the ability to lower your GRA score as you are not using the appropriate writing style in the presentation.  
  
There is no plural word for information. The plural form is the same as the singular form. This will again, lower your GRA as you show that you do not have a proper grasp of how English words are formed. This also affects your LR score because you show an unfamiliarity with the word usage and formation.  
  
There are just too many errors in this presentation for me to cover in this review. The bottom for your essay is just this, it is not a passing essay based on content, word formation, sentence clarity, and prompt adherence. You even failed to create a proper concluding paragraph creating an open ended rather than concluded essay. The length of the essay will not justify a passing grade due to your failure to score properly in the grading rubic.
***In the future, nobody will buy printed newspapers or books because they will be able to read everything they want online without paying  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?***  
  
The technology has significantly developed for recent decades. Thanks to the invention of the Internet and smart gadgets, humans are able to access online whatever books they are interested in without any payment. I believe that people will no longer use printed newspapers or books in the future since there are online alternatives more convenient and cheaper.  
  
Reading newspapers or books online has more advantages than the printed ones. Firstly, reading online is the best choice in the hustling and bustling life because humans become more and more busy with their work. We can update what is taking place around us or even globally whenever we want as long as we are equipped with an Internet- accessible electric device. If we use the printed newspapers, we have to buy them from the stores that might be time-consuming. Secondly, reading online is less expensive because we pay nothing for the online newspapers and reading books on the Internet is obviously cheaper than the printed ones . Moreover, if we are a huge fan of books, we have to restore a big amount of books that we ever read, so keeping the online books is simpler and more easily accessible when we look up . Finally, no longer printed books are used, the less amount of wood is cut down for paper production. Therefore, reading online is also the useful method contributing to the environment protection campaigns which are currently the topical concerns of human beings.  
  
In conclusion, reading online becomes more and more ubiquitous. I personally hope that online newspapers or books will alter completely the printed ones in the future because online reading habit has more considerable advantages than the conventional reading method  
  
\*\* Thanks very much for your feedbacks\*\*
Your prompt paraphrase is good but a bit flawed. You stated in the first sentence that "Technology has significantly..." Which is a personal opinion. It is not a part of the information from the original prompt and therefore, must not be included in the presentation of the restated prompt. It affects your Task Accuracy when you indicate information not included in the original reference. That single irrelevant sentence would lower an otherwise high score for that scoring section.  
  
The second reason should always be presented in a stand alone paragraph. Never present it as a part of the first discussion topic because the combination of 2 unrelated discussion topics in one paragraph results in an under developed paragraph. That is the result of incoherent and non-cohesive discussion presentations. A reader tends to look for a relationship between the reasoning in a paragraph, which disappears when you present 2 unrelated reasons. Time in relation to news availability does not directly relate to money spent as you did not use a transition sentence to connect the two discussion points in the paragraph.  
  
All Task 2 essays have a minimum 4 paragraph presentation. You only have 3 paragraph here, which means you are not in compliance with the formatting guidelines for the task in terms of paragraph presentation.  
  
The conclusion should be a summary of the discussion, thus creating a reverse paraphrase conclusion for the discussion. You left the essay open ended because you continued to offer a personal opinion discussion in that paragraph, rather than a recap of the presentation.
At the opening paraphrase maybe you can try to shorten your presentation and go straight to your point. There are too many your own own state to over represent the topic thus you can keep your idea to the second paraphrase.  
  
Secondly, try to put on some adversative word such as ''on the one hand.....,on the other hand'', ''however'', ''therefore'', ''furthermore''. It can make viewer more easily to catch your key point.