dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please give me comments to amend this essay and if it is possible, score for me. In fact, my problem is how to describe my idea within 300 words. I try to short and coherence this. Still confusing about the conclusion paragraph and personal paragraph >"<  
  
.....................................................................................................................  
## the role of zoos for human

  
  
The relationship between zoo and animal continues be a controversial topic, although the zoo right now evolves into "animal-park". In the following essay, I will clarify views of 2 perspectives about this problem and offer my personal opinion on the end of the discussion.  
  
First, we discuss about perspective the anti-lobby who totally refute the role of zoo. In their opinion, the zoo damage the natural habitat of animal - include the survival in the wildlife and how to take care their offspring naturally. Moreover, it is immoral if we capture them on the narrow space for serving the benefit of human. Finally, the zoo is limited the evolved process of animal which is mentioned on "Evolution Theory" of Darwin about an adapted ability of animal in the natural environment.  
  
Conversely, the support-lobby assume that the role of the zoo is protected the animal. At the present, we can't control an illegal hunting and the zoo is the best solution. On the other hand, facing with the endangered animal disappear more and more because of "big fish eats small fish" and natural diseases, the role of the zoo isn't declined. Furthermore, with the developed science, a human can create and protect the new species in the semi-natural environment.  
  
On my personal opinion, I think the role of the zoo is predominant because it will protect the animal from the illegal poacher in the present circumstance when we can't control that. Besides, human effort creates the environment which nearly similar with a natural home of animal like the national park and trains them to live in the natural environment without interruption of human. Eventually, we can' refute that the area of the modern zoo - "national park" is more and more expanding and that is the great safeguard for many animals.
Nguyet, the next time that you post your essay for review, please post the complete original instructions along with it so that I can have a starting point for the assessment of your written work. You see, without the instructions, it is difficult for me to review and make suggestions regarding how to improve your essay. However, I will do my best to assist you with your current essay. Remember, because I don't have the original prompt for reference, my advice will be limited in scope. I hope it still helps you though.  
  
As of now the score for this particular essay is 2. The reason for the score is because there is a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion. You can limit this problem by using only one reason per paragraph and using simple English sentences for now. It is better if you present only simple sentences at this point because your English vocabulary does not allow you to properly use the words in a complex sentence setting at the moment.  
  
I admire the way that you tried to present complex discussions in your paragraph. The problem of grammar structure and sentence errors is what pulls down your essay score. If you wish to improve your method of writing, I suggest that you read more English based materials during your free time. by familiarizing yourself with the way that others write in English, you will be able to pick up more pointers on how to better structure your sentence presentations and use complex sentences in a more efficient manner.  
  
Your personal opinion paragraph cannot serve as your concluding paragraph. The structure of a concluding paragraph is the same as the opening paragraph. Only this time, present the topic for discussion, a shortened version of the reasons you discussed in your essay and then close with a paraphrasing of your personal statement. Just use terms that signify that the paragraph is the conclusion by saying phrases like "In conclusion", "In the end", " To close this discussion", or variations thereof.
I am new here, I want to get high scores in toefl IBT exam. can you help me correct it?  
  
**Why do you think people attend college and university?** ( TOEFL IBT)  
  
## attending schools is beneficial for life

  
  
After graduation from high school, most students tend to attend colleges or universities. There are many reasons for that. I think that three following reasons are the most important.  
  
Firstly, people want to increase their knowledge. Of course, students will receive a good education in the college. They study with good and experienced teachers, their friends when they take classes and courses. They choose many diffrerent subjects to learn. So they perceive more.  
  
Moreover, entering a college can help people improve their necessary skills. When we give a speech in front of people about a topic, we can be more confident, their speaking skills are developed. We can attend volunteer clubs to help another people, improve their teamwork skills.  
  
In addition, one of the most important reasons is learning how to set up goals for life. Every body wants to have a happy and successful life. Living for good and suitable goals makes their dreams come true. Students can learn it step by step by listening to teachers, friends, corporate trainers, speakers, authors, etc. Therefore, students have new approaches to getting life they want.  
  
All in all, more and more people want to attend colleges to benefit their lives
Doan, the essay that you wrote can garner you a score of 2. The way you discussed the essay is clear and represents a well thought out line of reasoning. However, there is plenty of room for the improvement of your writing skills which can help to gain a passing final score.  
  
You must learn to clearly outline the discussion that you will be presenting in the essay in order to show a strong understanding of the topic for discussion and how you plan to present it to the reader. For example, the opening statement I would have written for this essay would be:  
  
*While there is a clear increase in the interest of students to attend college and university, very little is known as to the reasons behind this trend. I believe that there are 3 important reasons that people decide to attend higher studies after high school. These are the reasons that I will be discussing in this essay.  
  
People who have an interest in college and universities...  
  
Students with a keen interest in a specific field...  
  
Finally, college and university studies....*  
  
Or you could have numbered the paragraphs by saying; "Firstly", "Secondly", and "Thirdly" as well. Either way of consecutive presentation is acceptable. You can number it or not. There is no right or wrong way of presenting it. What is important to remember is that by presenting a more academically worded paper, the TOEFL test analysis of your work will give the impression that you are a well read and capable of carrying on a discussion, in written and spoken English form.  
  
Now, while others here have a different view of the sentence requirement, the standard 3-5 sentence paragraph development is important in increasing your score. Remember, limiting yourself to two sentences, though well written will not impress the reviewer. However, a well discussed 3-5 sentence paragraph will allow you to better show off your command of the English language. Which is the point of the test. The better you can express yourself in English, in a preset number of sentences and paragraphs, the better your final score will be.  
  
Try to develop your sentences per paragraph in an better manner over your succeeding practice tests. Believe me, you can't go wrong by writing 300 words per essay. 300 words being the more ideal presentation for a better score possibility.
*In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing school and starting university studies.  
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.*  
  
## stepping out of academic treadmill

  
  
Taking a year off before starting college is no longer a common occurrence among Western countries but is gaining popularity in other parts of the world. Delaying college studies obviously bring about tremendous benefits while on the contrary its drawbacks are notable.  
  
On the one hand, stepping out of academic treadmill would give students certain advantages. Firstly, this helps them ameliorate a sense of academic burnout. By travelling and discovering contrasting way of life rather than their own, or pursue a passion, students can unwind, take a hard look at their habits and assess the feasibility of their goals. In addition, being exposed to divergent cultures could also broaden their horizons, aid emotional maturity prior to transitioning to college. Secondly, deepening one's professional awareness is crucial to ensure not making wrong choices. The fact that students switch their field of study several times during the course of their study not only put more strain on their supporter's pocket but also is considered a huge waste of time and effort. Knowing what suits one best is better than chasing unattainable dreams due to incompetence  
  
On the other hand, lazing around without a thorough plan is root of potential downsides. For those who postpone the difficulties of college, being free for a whole year could result in involving in binge drinking and other self-destructive behaviors. The startling consequence may be losing their hard-earned study skills that ends up in being reluctant to dive back to school.  
  
In conclusion, taking a gap year in terms of engaging in meaningful activities could be a huge asset while self-indulgence could backfire and trigger unpleasant experience, in the worst case not go back to school.
Kenzin, you need to make sure that you present an equal amount of reasons within your paragraphs. That means, if you present 2 reasons for the advantage, then present 2 reasons for the disadvantage as well. Do not place the 2 ideas in the same paragraph as each paragraph should only discuss one reason in a complete form. 2 ideas means you have to present 2 individual paragraphs for the ideas. Since you have a maximum of 5 paragraphs, composed of 5 sentences each, you should only present one advantage and one disadvantage idea because the first paragraph will be the introduction and the last paragraph will be the summarized conclusion. In order to meet the minimum sentence requirements, please make sure that you present at least 3 sentences in every paragraph. You have only 2 sentences in the introduction only 1 in the conclusion, which will result in a mark down of your paper.
I would also say that the essay above does not have a proper balance idea and number of words in each paragraph.  
In my opinion the vocabularies are quite strong.  
  
@Holt: you mentioned that "n order to meet the minimum sentence requirements, please make sure that you present at least 3 sentences in every paragraph. You have only 2 sentences in the introduction only 1 in the conclusion, which will result in a mark down of your paper."  
  
=> I would say that the opening usually should be short, 2 sentences is acceptable. Three can be a bit lengthy in some cases.
**Environmental problems are so big that they cannot be solved by any person or country alone. Instead, it should be solved at international level. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?**  
  
## Who is responsible for pollution?

  
  
Environmental problems exist in most of the countries in the world. Due to the problems are not geologically isolated, such as water pollution and air pollution, it is necessary to solve in an multilateral way.  
  
Many people support global-cooperation to solve environmental problems. one reason is that pollutions are not geological limited.for instance, the water polluted in one country can flue into another country along with river or underground river. nations need to cooperate to pass some multilateral contract to solve these issues. Another reason is that some less developed countries have no enough technique or capital to deal with complex environmental problems, so they need other countries' help deal with some issues.  
  
Another voice of solve environmental problems by country alone also exist. firstly, if some pollution or ecological balance deterioration only appear in the nations which only care about economic benefits and don't try to stop this phenomenon spread,it is absolutely to solve this kind of issues by the countries alone. Secondly, if the pollution only have severe impact on one country's people and environment and they can't find the country who want to help them, they have no choice but to solve the pollute issue alone by themselves. For example, some inland countries produce many pollute water and draw it to inland lake, because the pollution sites are far away from other countries, so the other country have no necessary to interfere with the problems.  
  
In conclusion, solve the environmental by any person or country is welcome, but national cooperation is more important.
Robin, if you say that the solution to the problem lies in a multilateral solution, then you must take the last paragraph of the opening statement to indicate the degree by which you believe that a multilateral solution is the best approach to the problem of pollution. By adding another sentence to the end of the opening statement, you will fulfill the missing requirement of your essay paraphrasing. Since you already did a good job with the partial paraphrasing of the original discussion and instructions, adding the missing requirement will make the paragraph complete and more than acceptable. It will be impressive because it will prove your English comprehension skills immediately. If I were to present an opening statement for this topic, I would have presented it this way:  
  
*Environmental problems are considered a global problem these days. As such, the world at large believes that these problems should not be addressed on an individual or country alone. Rather, the problem can only be resolved on an international level. I am in total agreement with this point of view because of certain obvious evidence that exist today.*  
  
Your paragraphs containing your discussion points and evidences are admirable. It shows a knowledge of the public perception and some logical solutions based upon your personal knowledge and experience. You should be proud of your work in that area. However, your concluding statement is too short to help the essay gain a better score. It should be more than just a single sentence that does not accurately represent the previous discussion and its related information. The concluding statement must be a complete summary of the previous discussion in order to better highlight your English writing and vocabulary abilities.
Please check and score my essay. I'd be really thankful!  
  
**Some people propose that smoking should be banned completely. What's your opinion?  
Give reasons to your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience.**  
  
  
Here is my essay  
  
## people's attitude toward smoking

  
  
Recently, people's attitude toward smoking has significantly altered. The habit once considered elegant of high-end people is now regarded as a bad habit. I completely side with people who suggest that smoking should be strictly prohibited.  
  
First of all, smoking is proved to have links with lung cancer and other cardiac diseases. WHO has released a report indicating that smokers have noticeable shorter life span than those who do not smoke, approximately up to ten years, as they are more likely to experience fatal illness. Moreover, people who smoke get more chances of giving birth to children with deficiencies. It should also be noticed that not only smoking affects people who smoke, passive smokers, those inhale secondhand smoke suffer as well. It is evident that the rate of non-smokers suffering from smoking-related diseases is even higher than that of smokers.  
  
Secondly, strict prohibition of smoking can save up a large amount of money for the government and related authorities. Many people argue that tobacco industry is one of the key contributors to the national economy, as the taxes imposed on such industry is extremely high. However, the cost that the government has to pay to proceed medical research and to address problems arising from smoking is much greater than those collected.  
  
In conclusion, I advocate the opinion opposing of smoking and convinced that the government should completely ban smoking due to the hazardous consequences it might bring to human's well-being, as well as the fact it would gradually hurt the national economy.
Chantel, your body paragraphs for the defense of your stance is perfect. It is within the required sentence number per paragraph and shows a logical thought development followed by a cohesive presentation of ideas in each paragraph. If you can, I would like you to work on creating transition sentences for the end of your paragraph body so that you can create a more fluid flow of discussion into the next paragraph instead of the abrupt change in topic discussions that you now present.  
  
As for the negatives of your paper, there are a few that I have to point out. The first is that the opening statement does not accurately represent the prompt requirement. Here an example of a proper prompt paraphrase for this paper (make sure to follow the example for the rest of your practice papers):  
  
*Smoking is an activity that has been enjoyed by many people through the centuries. However, there has been a recent rise in the discussion as to whether smoking should be banned completely or not. In my opinion, smoking should be completely banned. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons that I feel justify my support for a total smoking ban.*  
  
You need to make sure that you properly introduce the topic for discussion, the opinions presented in the essay, and what sort of discussion is to follow (personal opinion). These comprise the essay outline that serve to help the reader understand what kind of essay discussion they are to expect from you. The way that you present the paraphrased prompt will also be used to determine your ability to understand, analyze, and follow English instructions.  
  
Your conclusion is improper because it is to be used as a discussion summary at the end of the essay. This is to be composed of a minimum of 3 sentences as well. Not a single paragraph as you have now. Your task in the conclusion is to restate the prompt, summarize the important discussion points, then present a closing sentence to signify that the essay discussion is complete. Do not present new information in the conclusion because that will turn it into another body paragraph instead of a closing commentary.
I hope everyone give me a comment to amend that essay and score it for me. Besides, is it right about the length of task 2 should be within 250 to 300 words?  
  
........................................................................................  
Topic 1: **Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for children, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinions.**  
  
Essay:  
  
## "Should sport be a compulsory subject at school?"

 has been a controversial topic for a long time. Some people assure that sport is unnecessary for the modern student. However, other agree that sport should be compulsory in school. In the following essay, I will clarify both of that views.  
  
First, on the protest side who said a sport is unnecessary, their opinion is, in the present, children have to face a lot of stress in studying academic majors at schools such as Math, Physics, Chemistry and so on. Besides, they attend many other extra curricula in a society which take a lot of time resource. Is sport essential for them or it just bring more pressure for them? Furthermore, not many students willing to attend sport at school because of their limited physical ability. That is the reason why sport should be considered as an optional subject at modern school.  
  
Contrasting with the preceded opinion, some people protect sports and presume that it should be compulsory. We can't refuse that modern students have to face much pressure from school and competitive society. In fact, besides studying, they spend almost time for other social activities such as volunteer and extra curricula to make the beautiful profile for a future plan, attending some entertainment activities with their friends and spending time for family. Therefore, they need a logical lifestyle which helps them healthy on both of physical and mental. Sports is the fundamental key to help children get the great healthy body. Furthermore, it also helps them increasing the cooperating, fair-play and competitive spirit which are appreciated in a modern job market. In addition, many colleges and companies evaluate candidates by not only the academic result but also physical activities because they want their potential members are not only bookworms.  
  
Overall, I feel that sport is great important activities for students. It helps them more healthy on physical and mental. It is an enormous trouble if all of the students, because of concentrating on studying academic majors at school, reject attend sports. Moreover, sports is the great method to prevent obesity which is an urgent dilemma in Western now. That is the reasons why I think sport should be compulsory subject at school.
Hi Nguyet, i'm glad to have a chance in sharing with you about writing, especially academic writing. i suppose that your writing is quite good and your idea is suitable to be considered. But, in 1st paragraph, you wrote "...clarify both that views", i think you should use "those" because views are plural as well as you should give more attention concerning single and plural, for instance, "stress" in 1st line in 2nd paragraph. i think, that should be stresses. Also, in 3rd paragraph, in line 4, you used "is" after "sports" which is plural word. Then, i think, will be better to avoid using "to be" in opening a sentence.  
  
Those all, i hope this will be a beginning for us to share and leaning together, and i hope you will give me some correction to my writing ahead. thank you very much.  
  
Regards from Indonesia