dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi all,  
  
Please feel free to comment my writing for this prompt: **The charts show the proportion of holidaymakers of one region staying in different types of accommodation in three different years. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## proportion of different accommodations types

  
  
The pie charts compare four different places of accomodation where travelers from one area stayed in the years 1965, 1985 and 2005. Overall, the majority of holidaymakers preferred staying with friends or relatives or living in hotels to spending night time in camps or caravans. It is also noticeable that every option out of four had a specific trend over the period shown.  
  
In 1965, staying with friends or relatives accounted for the highest proportion and 55% of all travelers chose this option but the percentage fell to 35% and 30% in 1985 and 2005, respectively. By contrast, only 16% of holidaymakers preferred living in hotels to other choices in 1965 and the figure for this group increased to 37% and reached a peak of 38% to become the most popular choice in the next four decades mentioned.  
  
Unlike the above two options, the figure for camping and caravans changed inversely during the 40-year period. The figure for camping grew by 3% in the first twenty years but declined twofold in the final period while the figure for caravan parks dropped by 4% and then doubled in 2005.  
  
Thank you in advance.  
  
*
Sarah, you did not include a proper summary overview in your essay. While it can be placed anywhere within the essay, which is why I read the whole essay before commenting on the lack of it, it is always best to place that summary at the start or opening paragraph because that is where it can gain you the highest possible TA score. If I were to write the opening statement for this essay it would have been presented as:  
  
*3 pie charts are provided covering the years 1965, 19885, and 2005 respectively. The percentages presented identify the types of accommodations for holiday tourists in one area for those specific years. The types of accommodations analyzed are staying with friends/relatives, hotel, camping, and caravans. this essay will present the main points of the chart and offer comparisons of similar information when required. Overall, the trend of the pie charts indicate that staying with friends/relatives was the most popular settlement for guests during holidays.*  
  
Aside from your first paragraph, all your other paragraphs are composed of run-on sentences. You need to learn to separate your topic presentations into topic sentences rather than connected sentence idea presentations. When you do that, your paragraph runs short of the minimum 3 sentence requirement. When that happens, you lower your C&C and GRA scores due to non paragraph compliant presentations. Also, you tend to get a better score if you present at least 4 paragraphs in the Task 1 essay.
***Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed.  
  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.***  
  
## investments plan for brandfield

  
  
The map given illustrates the city of Brandfield where a new shopping mall is planned. Two sites, S1 and S2, have been put forward for consideration. In this essay, I will summarize their advantages and disadvantages by making appropriate comparisons.  
  
In advance of a closer look at each option, it is sensible to present an overview of the city. There is a river meandering through the city center to the north, where is situated the housing estate on a road and a railway. To the east is built the industrial estate, whose edges are touched by the railway and the other road.  
  
S1 is immediately north of the city center, within the narrow belt between the residential area and the river. Transportation is convenient to S1, as it is on the same traffic lines as the housing complex. Such a situation makes it readily accessible to urban dwellers or people working downtown. Customers can also go to the banks of the river to enjoy its murmurs when they have done their shopping.  
  
In contrast, S2 lies to the southeastern end of the city. Despite its proximity to the roads and the railway, the location proves unfriendly to the residents because it is far from where they live. Moreover, the industrial complex just to its north will render it even more unfavorable, since the rumbles of machines are always a torture to shoppers. Yet there is still an advantage for S2: workers can take a brief break to buy what they want.  
  
For all these differences, S1 and S2 are similar in one aspect. They suffer from a common disadvantage that they are both at a great distance from the golf course and park to the west of the city. Golfers will have to take a long ride on bus or train for shopping, be the mall constructed on S1 or S2.  
  
***Please feel free to give me advice. I am trying to improve my English proficiency by keeping writing. My current focus is on map analysis.***  
  
*
Gang, youwerethisclose to getting a 9 score from me. Do you want to know what made me downgrade your score to an 8? While you did cover all of the tasks sufficiently, you created a prompt deviation when you said that you would "summarize the advantages and disadvantages" you inadvertently created a prompt deviation. Why is it a prompt deviation? The "advantage and disadvantage" discussion is not part of the original prompt. You added a discussion that was not indicated in the original. You know what happens when you do that right? It was enough to simply make comparisons and indicate those differences within the body as part of the "comparison" discussion. There was no need to add "advantage and disadvantage" to the prompt. Remember, your aim is to create a close replica of the original prompt. That means you cannot change the discussion in any way. Overall though, perfect discussion. Just as I expected you to produce. Aside from that oversight, you have a pretty solid and high scoring essay here.
Please let me know if you have suggestions how to improve to achieve band 6-6.5  
Thanks in advance for your effort and time :)  
  
## movement of support toward poor countries

  
  
**Topic:**  
**Should wealthy nation be required to share their wealth among poorer nation by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nation to look after their citizens themselves?**  
  
Nowadays, globalization is the common event around the world. The wealthy nation starting providing different kind of support to improve the quality of life of citizens in poorer nation such as the education and food. Those support movement not only might praise as humanly action but also benefits both wealth and poorer nation.  
  
Poorer nation always seems to be more easily to developing the extreme terrorism by terrorist group affect the uneducated citizens turn to terrorist and causing the civil war by fighting for resources. In general, support from wealth nation could be providing education that would increase the knowledge and training logic for the citizens to prevent affection from terrorism. Since terrorism are often came from poorer nation and terrorist attack usually aim for wealthy nation. Therefore, wealthy nation should providing support to poorer nation instead of the leaving the poorer nation develop the terrorism that might causing security threat for both type of nations.  
  
In this kind of relationship, neither poorer nation would taking all benefit from wealthy nation nor have no return to wealthy nation. Regarding the poorer nation received the support from the wealthy nation, the quality of life and the economy of poorer might improve over time. The wealthy nation tend to be open new market for business opportunity or starting the investment when poorer nation during development process. That been said the support from wealth nation are most likely to benefit both type of nations.  
  
Even though the government of poorer nation don't have ability to providing the necessary needs for their citizen. Still have many opposite view said the government of poorer nation have the responsibility to look after the citizens. I think it is often not possible to request the government of poorer nation to facing such difficult situation alone. As i mentioned before the wealthy nation should share the wealthy to poorer nation with regard to economy profit and terrorism threat.
Ricky, if you want to get a band score of 6 or higher for your future essays, you have to do two things. First, you need to improve your English understanding abilities, also known as comprehension skills and second, you need to practice developing simple English sentences. At the moment, your ability to discuss the correct topic based on the given prompt is not really good. In fact, it does not exist. You were asked to discuss whether the rich country should support the poor country. Somehow, you managed to turn it into a discussion about terrorism. That runs totally alternate to the prompt topic and discussion requirement. This essay that you wrote would not score higher than a 2. It is clear that you need to work on the points that I mentioned earlier because the essay that you wrote does not properly represent the required discussion. For now, I would like you to focus on developing your paraphrasing skills. That will help you improve your comprehension and restatement skills in relation to the scoring requirements of the Task 2 essay.
**Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.  
Discuss both views and give your opinion  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
## art courses in schools

  
  
Children learn a lot of subjects at school, one of them is art, which some people think is necessary while others totally disagree and believe that the amount of time that is put into art could be better managed. In this essay, I will discuss both points of views.  
  
From one hand, there are a lot of people believe that art should be one of the courses at school because it develops cognitive skills in children, everything is possible when it comes to art, for example in drawing, one can draw and show his/her imagination on a piece of paper, it helps them to think freely.  
  
From the other hand, there are parents who think there are no points in learning art for their child, they argue that the time could be better spent, for example, adding extra time to mathematics and physics courses. because in future nobody cares about art, but math going to have a positive impact.  
  
Lastly, I think the art course is really important, especially for children because it opens a new door for them, full of opportunities, I remember my school days when I couldn't wait for the art course, I enjoyed every minute of it. In school, we learned how to play music and it really changed my understanding of music for the rest of my life.  
  
In conclusion, we discussed people's opinion about art course in schools, some people think it is positive, while others not. And at the last paragraph, I mentioned my own idea about the topic.  
  
(259 Words)
@just\_writer writing more than the minimum word requirement is useless if you do not deliver on the expected scoring considerations of an IELTS essay. Your TA score will be based on your paraphrasing, which was inadequate due to an incomplete presentation in this instance. Your LR score requires you to write expanded paragraphs in order to prove that you have enough English vocabulary knowledge to at least have a simple discussion with people. The C&C, is required to show that you are capable of presenting solid thoughts and information in a manner that your future teacher will be able to understand. The overall presentation and word count, including proper sentence development and punctuation is scored in the GRA section. The fact that you under delivered and created mostly run-on sentences in this essay tells me that you will not get a very good score had this been an actual test.  
  
In the TA section, your paraphrasing doesn't offer a comprehensive understanding of the original prompt This should have been presented in complete sentences in order to qualify as a complete paragraph. Take this as an example:  
  
*While art is considered as one of the more important subjects in school by some, others do not believe that this is a viable use of learning hours. Both points of views shall be discussed in this essay along with my personal take on the topic. Additionally, I will be providing supporting elements and precedents that can help support my presentation.*  
  
Please notice how I completed represented the prompt discussion topic and information presentation style in a manner that uses different words from the original, but still kept the original meaning. That is how you paraphrase a statement. This is what makes a strong TA assessment presentation as well.  
  
As for your paragraph problems, you just have to remember that the more sentences you present, the more useful words you will be using in your discussion. The individual sentences help to increase the C&C, LR, and GRA scores. Writing one complete thought in an extremely long sentence is not only useless because your sentence doesn't really make a point, but also because the reader will not be able to connect the ideas you are presenting in order to better understand your presentation.
Hello @Holt,  
  
For the introduction, in this essay, I taught my paraphrasing was good. I try to not to use the topic words. But obviously, it wasn't enough. which lead me to a question, do the words have to be completely different and try using big words? I think the only word that I took from the topic was "time". So, the reason that my paraphrasing wasn't good enough was because of grammatical errors or range of vocabulary that I used?  
  
Writing one complete thought in an extremely long sentence is not only useless because your sentence doesn't really make a point  
Can I ask for one example in my essay? I want to try avoiding this kind of mistake.  
  
Thank you very much.
## proportion of getting married people by different age groups

  
  
The bar charts show data about six age groups of men and women who got married in an unknown country in 1996 and 2008  
Overall, the proportion of younger age groups that got married decreased, while older age groups increased. Moreover, the percentage of male and female aged 16-19 occupied the lowest quantity of marriage.  
  
Looking at the charts in more detail, it is worth noting that there was a significant drop in the percentage of female aged 20-24, from 6% to only 3%. In contrast, the proportion of married women aged 30-34, 35-39 and 30-44 had grown from 7% to 8%, 4% to around 4.2% and 2% to about 2.2%, respectively. Meanwhile, the percentage of female aged 25-29 that got married remained no change, at almost 12%.  
  
Also noteworthy is that there was a slight decline in the percentage of married men aged 20-24 and 25-29, from around 2.2% to under 2% and 9% to only 8%, respectively. On the other hand, the proportion of male who married in the age between 30-34, 35-39 and 40-44 had risen noticeably, from 9% to 11%, 7% to 9% and 5% to almost 7%, respectively.  
  
*
@madeline8484 your summary overview is missing a few details that could have made it stronger. You should not have immediately jumped to the trending sentence as that is the last presentation in this particular paragraph. What you needed to do was list the ages that were for consideration in the graph and the measurement method. Base the information you are presenting only on the information presented in the essay. While it is acceptable to say "in an unknown country" as that is implied in the essay and could be based on an obvious observation, which is part of your analytical ability presentation, you could have also not mentioned the country at all and it would have no effect on your score. By adding the "unknown country" reference though, you showed a keener analytical skill that can be used to help boost your final score in the TA aspect. When you discuss a comparative chart, you should never forget to mention the years at the start of the paragraph since the reader does not know which aspect of the chart you are presenting for their consideration. A quick mention within the first sentence accomplishes that task. Now, while you presented an effective individual comparison per chart, there should have also been a cross comparison between the two years in order to create a full, and in-depth analysis of the essay. That would have created a higher scoring basis for your essay. However, even without that, your essay is verging on getting a higher than average mark in the overall score.
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## are australian people fit?

  
  
Answer:  
The bar charts compares the percentage of Australian men and women who do regular exercise in different ages in 2010.  
  
Men do more regular physical activity than women in the youngest aged group (15 to 24), while women exercise more than men in the next four older age groups. The percentage are the same for both sex who are aged 65 and over.  
  
The highest percentage of Australian men with exercise habits is 52.8%, which is for the age of 15 to 24. As the age goes up, this percentage drops to the lowest point of 39.5% for the age of 35 to 44.  
  
As for women, the percentage slowly increases from 47.7% (15 to 24) and reaches to the peak of 53.3 (45 to 54). The percentage is almost the same for the age of 55 to 64 (53%), however fall to 47.1% for the women aged 65 and over.  
  
Much appreciate if anyone who helps me correct the grammar and vocabulary usage!!  
  
*
Lu, you have an even bigger problem than just your grammar. Your essay is only one word over the minimum requirement. That tells me that you did a number of things wrong in this essay. What are those things? Let's break it down.  
  
1. Your opening paraphrase is incomplete. You neglected to present the age groups used in the bar charts, the type of measurement being used, and the discussion instruction for the original prompt. This should have easily comprised 5 sentences, which means, your TA score will be failing based on individual considerations.  
  
2. You presented information in a parenthesis. Since this is an analytical essay, you should not house information in an "optional" section because all of the information in this illustration is important and thus, needs to be presented directly to the reader.  
  
3. All of your sentences do not number in the form of a paragraph. You write no more than 2 sentences each. As per the C&C considerations for scoring, you need to present complete paragraphs in order to get a high score. So write no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5 as per the regulations for that section.  
  
4. You do not have a proper summary overview that includes a properly developed trending statement.  
  
Basically, you should work on writing more sentences at the moment. The grammar and vocabulary usage will also be helped by your increased writing practice.
**People in all modern societies use drugs, but today's youth are experimenting with both legal and illegal drugs, and at an increasingly early age. Some sociologists claim that parents and other members of society often set a bad example.  
  
Discuss the causes and some effects of widespread drug use by young people in modern day society. Make any recommendations you feel are necessary to help fight youth drug abuse.  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
## drugs are everywhere

  
  
in today society, there are a lot of drugs, both legal and illegal, and the problem is that the starting age of using drugs is decreasing constantly, in this essay we will discuss the causes and effects of using drugs in younger generation.  
  
In older times. people always used home remedies to cure their sicknesses, when i was younger, we rarely used drug for a simple headache, but nowadays, the first answer to any kind of health problem is a pain killer. it could be parents fault for drug abuse in home which could set bad example.  
  
Another reason could be laws in different countries, there are some drugs that are legal in one country and illegal in another one. when people see that a drug is legal in one country, think to him/her self that it could not be dangerous at all.  
  
From other side, the governments can help preventing use of drug, there must be a lot of advertisements and announcements which shows younger generation that it is a bad habit to use drugs and shows them the right path.  
  
From my experience, in my own country, drugs are available everywhere, government must control it because if young people see drugs every day and watch people using it, they would not scare of it anymore and it becomes typical.  
  
to recapitulate, using drugs is a bad habit of today's generation, they start using it when they are young, and ruin their future before they even have a chance to know wrong and right. I think the society must stay together and help each other to stop this bad habit.  
  
**Thanks in advanced.**
@just\_writer  
  
The essay lacks of coherence and conjunction, which can help your sentence more relative and logical.  
You can try to use "First of all", "Secondly" for the opening of paragraph 2,3. And use " In conclusion, ", " By way of conclusion" at the last paragraph.  
  
The total paragraph should shorten to four paragraph.  
The proportion of each paragraph should be 2:4:4:1.  
  
The amount of words is far lower then 250 words, you cannot get pretty score due to this basic discipline.
You have a total word count of 271 run on sentences in an essay that should be composed of at least 250 individual sentences located in 5 paragraphs. The composition of the essay is the main problem. You do not know how to form coherent topical sentences. You prefer to present interconnected thoughts which create incoherent statements. As such, there is a lack of total cohesiveness in the overall presentation. In addition to that, your prompt paraphrase is partially plagiarized and incomplete in its presentation of discussion topics and instructions. This essay feels like you just wrote it to "get it over with" there is no sense of you actually trying to apply any language and writing lessons you might have learned from your preparation classes. Look at how you formed the sentences, you did not even care to capitalize the first work of every new sentence, which is the most basic English grammar rule. I am not sure if you were just careless or you have no idea how to properly develop and write an essay. I strongly suggest that you look for better written examples online and at this forum so that you may have some examples and guidance in relation to your writing your next practice essay.
Hi just\_writer,  
  
Here are some correction for your essay.  
  
1.  
~~in today society, ...~~  In today's society, ...  
  
2.  
**...., when *I*was younger, ...** You can put the period before this sentence, or the sentence will be too long.  
Capitalize ***I*** and the first letter of the first word in the sentence. Pay more attention to avoid these simple mistakes.  
  
3.  
It is better to use **On the other side** rather than **From other side**  
  
Hope it helps~