dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
You need to be accurate in your representation of the graph information. There is no reference to "mail" in the graph. Where did you get that? You meant "rail" right? Small mistakes, small deductions due to errors, eventually add up to big score lowering considerations. That's why you have to avoid making even the smallest errors in your presentation. Your information is inaccurate at that point and will result in point deductions for your essay under the TA section.  
  
You also did not spell check before submitting the essay so you have a spelling error in the form of "Kingdome". It is spelled without an e at the end. That will affect your LR score as well. You also need to identify the type of graph so as to increase your TA score.  
  
You also worked the word "merchandise" to death. Try to vary your descriptive words so increase the LR and GRA scores. Other variations of merchandise are "commodities and movables, among other reference terms for goods.  
  
The length of the sentences show a mix of simple and complex sentences. Your presentation has some grammatical and sentence structure issues but it does not hinder the meaning of your presentation. Which means you can still be understood, even when the sentences could use more clarity in the presentation.
## proportion of of population aged 65 years and over

  
  
The line chart illustrated the percentage of population aged 65 years and over in three different countries namely USA, Sweden, Japan between 1940 and 2040.  
Overall, it is obvious that the proportion of population aged 65 years and over in three different countries increase sharply from 1940 to 2040.  
The figure of population aged 65 years and over of Japan saw a minimal decrease from 5% to around 3% from 1940 to 1960. Then there was a stability in the figure from 1960 to 1980. After that, A drammatical growth by 20% was seen in the figure between 1980 and 2040. The percentage of population aged 65 and over of USA rose substantially from around 9% to about 15% from 1940 to 1980. The percentage declined gradually of 2% through the period between 1980 and 2020. Then a significant rise by 10% in the percentage of population aged 65 years and over of USA was witnessed in 2040. We can see that was a increase of the proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden similar to. The proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden went up remarkably from about 7% to over 14% from 1940 to 1980. Then there was a slight drop by 1% in the proportion through the period. After that, the year 2040 was experianced a considerable growth by 12% from around 2000 to 2040.  
  
*
There is a clear formatting problem in this essay. You need to have at least 3 paragraphs in the presentation that is composed of at least 150 words, but no more than 200. There is no sense in writing more words if the information you are presenting is not easy to read due to the formatting situation. There are 3 countries indicated in the line graph. Each country must have its information presented in its own paragraph. The paragraph should only focus on the information for the said country. Each paragraph should have 3 - 5 sentences each to be considered a complete paragraph for this task.  
  
Word choice is also an issue in this essay. There is no such word as drammatical, but you could have said "dramatic" instead. You also need to know when you use a simple word instead of a complex word in your description sentences. Saying "witnessed" when "seen" would have been the more appropriate term to use will not help your vocabulary score. "Big Words" should be used only when applicable. It should not be used to try and impress the examiner when used out of context. There is also a lack of clarity in some of your sentence presentations. An example being, *"We can see that was an increase of the proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden similar to."*Similar to what?
I suggest that you should pharaphrase a few words like percentage, proportion <=> figure, then <=> over the following ...( a number) years. Also, it is advisable that you use some linking words. For example instead of "The percentage of population aged 65 ..." you can say it like "Over the first four decades, the percentage of elderly citizens in USA rose substantially from 9% to 15%, **followed by** a slight decline to around 13% in 2020"
Hi  
This is my first time in this forum, I hope to find some help. So, I will take the ielts test and here is my attempt for task 1. Thank you in advance.  
  
## why adults decide to study and education costs

  
  
The charts illustrate the results of a survey concerning adult education in the form of a bar chart and a pie chart. The first chart provides information about the reasons that lead adults to study, while the pie chart presents the perception of people about the costs of education and their sharing.  
  
Overall, the bar chart accounted for seven reasons why adults decide to study. The greatest reason concerns the interest in subjects. Concerning the pie chart is composed of three components of cost sharing.  
  
The professional reason interests a considerable percentage of adults to study. 22% find that it is helpful for their current job and 20% choose to study to improve prospects of promotion while 12% are interested in education to be able to change jobs. However 40% of adults decide to study because of their interest in subjects and 20% because they enjoy learning. To gain qualifications was the reason of 38% of surveyed, but only 9% choose adult education to meet people.  
  
The costs of adults education are made up of three slices. The main part concerns the individual with 40% and 38% for employers and the quarter of the cost is for taxpayer.  
  
*
Unfortunately, you did not paraphrase enough information from the original presentation. There are still too many cut and paste phrases in your overall presentation that will indicate that you cannot write a report beyond memorized phrases and presentations. As such, this essay is not in the running for a passing score. Even though you wrote 198 words, which is well over the minimum word requirement, if there is no clear analysis of the given data, proper reporting of the facts indicated, and an original presentation of information based on your understanding of the given data, then the essay will not score well based on the overall rubic. You need to learn to discuss and expand upon the given information. Don't just repeat the information, show that you understand the information. Be imaginative in the presentation, without exaggerating the facts.
## tourists to England who visited different Brighton attractions

  
  
*Topic: The line graph below shows the percentage of tourists to England who visited four different attractions in Brighton.*  
  
The line graph illustrates the proportion of visitors to England who paid a visit to four diverse attractions in Brighton over three decades.  
  
At first glance, it is noticeable that attendances in Pavilion and Pier saw an increase while the percentage of tourists visiting Art Gallery and Festival declined over the time frame. Also, Pavilion registered the most popular place of interests over most of the period.  
  
In 1980, 30% of travellers to England visited Festival, compared to 21% coming to visit Art Gallery. While the percentage of visitors to Festival declined slightly to around 28% in 2000 before remaning unchanged until the end of the period, the figure for Art Gallery proved relatively erratic. In particular, despite increasing to nearly 38% in 1985, its attendances experienced a fourfold reduction, going down to approximately 9% in 2010.  
  
By contrast, Pavilon and Pier started their period at 24% and 10% respectively. Thereafter, the proportion of people visiting Pavilion sharply rose, reaching its peak of close to 50%, followed by a downfall to 31% in 2010. In the mean time the trend for Pier was upward with some fluctuations and a more than doubling to reach a level of 22% in the final year.  
  
*
## the amount of varied workplace worked by people of different age

  
  
**The table below gives information about the employment sectors in which people from 3 age groups worked.**  
  
The table illustrate the amount of varied workplace worked by different ages of people.  
  
It can be clearly seen that both teenagers and middle-ages tend to work in other career, while for manufacturing is popular in middle-ages and seniors.  
  
Now turning to the details, most of employment sectors are slightly rise in 25-40 age group which compare to 18-25 age group. However, citizens do not keen on 3 kind of careers in middle-ages when they grow up: retail, accountancy and other. One of them has a dramatic decrease, that is retail, from 23 to 7. Interestingly, law is the only one stable job among all workplace, it remains the same number (4).  
  
In case of the manufacturing, it raise to 23 in retirement ages which is the highest number in all age group. Meanwhile, local government boost its figure 15 to 23 in 25-65 age. By contrast, catering, law and accountancy have insignificant figures in elderly residents: 4, 4 and 3 respectively.  
  
*
Your essay is highly confusing to read because you do not regularly and accurately use all of the information that is provided in the table chart. The summary paragraph is incomplete. It does not completely relate the topic, type of information presented, and classification groups listed. The trending sentence could have been better structured but is good enough since it clearly indicates the trend from the image. The last 2 paragraphs are the most confusing to understand. You need to learn to review your essay for clarity and complete information. If there are numbers in the image, it better be clearly in your summary report. It should also be properly structured in sentence form for easy understanding of the reader. Lack of proper information presentation will affect the overall score for this essay as the reader will find this difficult to understand, hence the lower scoring considerations overall.
Try to observe the data vertically (by age groups) first, then horizontally. You can start by creating general statements from each age group: young (not teenager), middle-age and older adults. You can express the number in percentages: provided you have enough time, you can find that the total adds up to 103, 100, 100 respectively. By doing this, you can notice things such as "manufacturing and health industry are equally popular for middle age workers."  
  
After highlighting the preference from each age group, then you can view the data horizontally. You wrote "Interestingly, law ..., it remains the same number (4)." The data is not a statistic of career change, but rather how workers of different age are distributed in various sectors. So the correct way to see it is, "law is the sector in which the proportion for each age group is equal." Hope this helps you in forming ideas for your writing.
In my point of view your essay was strong and you provided a lot of arguments without writing off-topic, which is always good. However, it seems like your essay was a little bit wordy and some sentences were hard to read.  
  
Things that I like in your essay:  
1.Strong and defined arguments  
2.Well structured essay  
3.Usage of advanced vocabulary  
4.Few grammatical errors  
5.Usage of different complex structures  
I rewrote your essay: (it was just few mistakes)  
*deleted - no changes has been made*  
  
Good luck on your test. I am sure that you will get an amazing score!
There is a great possibility that you could get an over 6 score for this type of writing. Your thought process is clear, your explanations are supported by reasonable examples, and you present a validity to every argument you make. The problem though, is that you were not asked to discuss a personal opinion and you did that as the last paragraph of your essay. That means, your essay does not have a proper summary conclusion and as such, ended as an open essay rather than a closed essay.  
  
You also wrote the essay without the use of a timer. Which means that you took your time in writing 357 words. The safest word count for this essay section is from 250-300 words to allow for editing after the draft writing. Next time, use a timer so you can get an accurate time measurement of how well you write, and if you can close the essay properly, within the allotted time.  
  
There are grammar issues in your essay that, although noticeable to an examiner, did not affect the understanding of the presentation so you will score less in the LR and GRA section, but still within the 6 bracket. There is, specifically, a problem in your understanding of the subject - verb agreement rules when you are writing your sentences.
**Q:** *In many places,new homes are needed, but the only space available for building them is in the countryside.Some people believe that it is more important to protect the countryside and not build new homes there  
  
What is your opinion?*  
  
## countryside space for new buildings

  
  
**A:**  
It is indeed the fact that the requirements to build new homes are posing serious threat to the available land in the countryside. Few people that argue that it is of utmost importance to protect the countryside land due to construction of new homes. Whereas, others hold an opposite opinion. I second my outlook with the former argument of supporting the idea of protecting the land in the countryside and this essay has been addressed accordingly.  
  
Due to urbanisation, people are migrating from rural areas to urban areas which poses additional pressure on the available land. To cater the need, people are chopping down trees in the countryside due to the space available there. This leads to deforestation and a drastic increase in pollution because of the non-availability of trees. To be more precise, Delhi's air pollution levels had increased to such an extent that people suffering from asthma could not breathe in and were admitted to the local hospitals.Not only this, construction of buildings in the countryside would destroy the natural habitat which ultimately leads to increase in the number of homeless animals. Moreover, increase in population will put a tremendous pressure on the groundwater levels also. To exemplify, in Bengaluru the groundwater level has gone down to 2000 feet and will lead to great water crisis in future. And hence, countryside land should not be used to construct buildings.  
  
On the contrary, few people support the idea of building more homes in the countryside. The primary reason behind this thought is that there is an increase in the number of homeless people.Due to which, people are forced to stay on the streets which give birth to unhygienic surroundings. And hence, to escape unhygienic conditions people prefer to construct buildings on the available land.  
  
In conclusion, it is clear that if the countryside space will be used to construct buildings then it will have devastating consequences on the environment as well as on the flora and fauna.And hence, people should explore alternate solutions rather then destroying natural habitats exisiting in the countryside for constructing new houses.  
  
Note: Please review my paragraph , all your suggestions are welcome.
It is indeed the fact - Intro shouldn't be started like this  
threat - add s (in intro first sentence)  
Whereas, others hold an opposite opinion. I second my outlook - Wording should be fixed  
and this essay has been addressed accordingly. - no need to have this  
suffering from asthma could not breathe in ... - and can not breather and have to be submitted into local hospitals  
  
On the contrary, few people support the idea of ... - stronger topic sentence  
forced to stay on the streets and give both  
  
Essay should be stronger to support points and more examples
There are several factors that make this an incorrect approach to the essay prompt. To give you a run down, the main errors are:  
  
- A lack of proper introduction summary in the opening paragraph  
- Little developed reasoning per paragraph  
- Improper concluding paragraph  
  
The first paragraph is not where you begin the discussion. The first paragraph is where you paraphrase the prompt in order to highlight your ability to not only follow instructions in English, but also that you are able to explain yourself clearly using English as a second language. This is where the TA score is considered. The paraphrase should only contain, based on the original prompt information:  
  
- The topic for discussion  
- Reasons for discussion  
- Thesis statement  
  
Your body of paragraphs would be better served to use a topic sentence as the opening sentence for the evidence. Then allow yourself to fully explain that topic within the next 4 sentences then move one to the second paragraph, with a new topic sentence developed the same way. This will allow you focus on scoring better in the C&C and GRA sections of the rubic.  
  
The concluding paragraph is a reverse of the introductory statement. This time, you present the following information:  
- Topic for discussion (paraphrased from the original and your introductory version)  
- 2 paraphrased topic sentences (without detailed explanation) to summarize your personal reasons for supporting a side of the discussion  
- Closing sentence to lock down the discussion.
## the importance of psychological conditions in sport

  
  
In recent days, sports have gradually become a hot-debated topic that everyone concerns about. While many people consider that fitness and power of athletes contribute mostly to their triumph, the others believe phsycological conditions are more significant. This essay will discuss briefly both viewsides and put forward my personal perspective.  
  
To begin with, it is obvious that physical strength can bring numerous benefits towards the performances. Several sports areas nowadays demand high sources of energy in order to fulfill smoothly. The weightlifter, who have to lift weights to performe for the viewers, is the ideal example. It is widely considered that the stronger he is, the heavier weight he can lift . That means if sportmans want to hold great sense of accomplisment, they should possess the strongest and stable physical conditions. Therefore, the feeling of admiration and respect from attendants after ẹnoying the performances can also fulfill their satisfaction and happiness to face with tougher competition in the long terms.  
  
However, in the contrast scale, many people believe that mental factors directly affect to the competition's outcome. Even if sports professionals approach many chances to build up physical strength, they may easily face wwith failure when lacking in persistent mind and conditions. To illustrate that, many famous footballers, for instance: Bui Tien Dung, who is believed in his polished ability to control the ball, experienced many barrier due to pressure and negative thoughts. Due to the high expectation of viewers around the country an his co-workers, he cannot keep a sound mind through the competition and led it influence negatively to his results.  
  
In my personal opinion, although I cannot deny the noticeable function that physical health has played in sports areas, I still admit the importance of mental factors as a permanently element which contribute to success.  
  
As an evidence, many athletes claim that dabling in training their mind can help them get rid of failure and negative thoughts to performe better. It is obvious an essential practicing method towards spotmans.  
  
Take everything into consideration, peak performance is the combination of determination and hard work. So stressed is the sport's environments that practicing to have strong mind is believed to be one of the most essential requirements to rise success.
Ignoring the grammatical errors, you almost had a well developed essay presented. Your public point of view discussion was sound and even used an example to further highlight the validity of the point of view. However, the mistake there was choosing an athlete who isn't internationally known. Next time, aim for a generic example or a more popular example that the examiner might be able to recognize to help boost your score.  
  
The main problem with the essay came when you presented your personal point of view. It became choppy, little developed, and presented in a confusing manner. It is within the personal point of view presentation that you need to be careful. You need to make sure that you are clearly understood in that paragraph. Your presentation left a lot to be desired. Unfortunately, that will have a major effect on your score, specially since you left the essay with an open ended, rather than concluded, final paragraph.  
  
You also should aim to write only between 250-300 words in this essay so that you will have time to review and revise your essay. You can also use the extra time to double check your vocabulary usage, which is also problematic in this presentation.
**Topic: Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## biodiversity reduction

  
  
A major debate revolves around the issue of environmental degradation witnessed since the 20th century. Since thousands of plants and animals have become extinct, people expect it to be the most pressing problem. However, I would argue that other issues such as global warming cause more adverse effects. This essay will discuss briefly both view sides and put forward my personal perspective.  
  
To begin with, that animals and plants are dying at shocking rate poses a threat to human life. As this devastating trend continues, ecological imbalance is likely to occur. Living organisms and nature together create an ideal environment for our planet. Without flora and fauna which are a vital food source, the ecosystem would be damaged because it is no longer provided with necessary substances to persist life on Earth. Also, human would lack oxygen to survive as well as food and medicine supply for daily activities. Consequently, life on this plant would not even exist.  
  
On the other hand, the impact of various environmental problems including global warming leads to greater degradation. Human activities like deforestation or over-abusing of non-renewable resources lead to changes in climate that result in extreme weather events for instance ice melting, ozone layer depletion, and so on. Moreover, rising the Earth's average temperature is one of the causes of the loss of some specific species. For example, an increase in water temperature is turning coral reefs into deserts. Marine species have to face up to habitat destruction as a result. Hence, the loss of animals and plants is just a small part of the big picture.  
  
In conclusion I think a reduction in biodiversity is a major concern to human but that people become aware of other more important issues like rising temperature might be a solution on a whole. In a long term, more environment preserving approaches should be introduced and implemented with the help from both authorities and citizens.
The paraphrased introduction is incorrect. There are two points of view prior to your personal opinion to be discussed. Your presentation totally omits informing the reader of the proper discussion requirements based on the original information in the paraphrase. Therefore, your TA will have point deductions for only being partially applicable in its understanding and presentation of the discussion instructions.  
  
Your discussion paragraphs do not differentiate between POV 1, POV 2, and your personal point of view. The discussion paragraphs makes it appear that you are presenting a personal opinion overall. Topic sentences that represent each point of view at the start will help resolve that error.  
  
The essay does not have a proper concluding summary either. You cannot discuss a personal opinion in closing as that is supposed to be one of the 3 discussion paragraphs of the required 5 paragraph presentation. The 5th paragraph is the concluding summary.