dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Eka.  
Please, meet my notes and review them. Hopefully, those can help you. GOOD LUCK :D  
  
measured in thousands ~~in~~ FOR eight different countries  
  
OVERALL, It is clear that the largest number of medical care is used in Japan.  
  
This contrasts to America that spends more money on the health sector.  
(I think this relates to the first case. I have not found its logic flow.)  
IN ANY CASE, PROPORTIONS BETWEEN HEALTHY EXPENDITURE AND RANGE OF LIFE EXPECTANCY SHOW A REVERSE TREND.  
  
... have been utilized TO COMPLY MEDICAL NEEDS in Japan and ~~it~~ THOSE become~~s~~ the highest ~~use~~ NEEDS amongST ~~the other~~ countries presented.  
  
Germany in this term is seen as the second largest country that serves amount of health facilities, with 8 thousand beds used in the hospitals.  
*(where are its comparisons?. You still play safely. the point of the writing task 1 is bravery to compare the figures.)*  
  
INTERESTINGLY, THE TABLE DISPLAYS OPPOSITE TREND FOR TWO CIRCUMSTANCES. ~~The table reveals that~~ The United States of America spends the most expensive health care for each citizen accounted for almost 7 thousand dollars per person, but it only reaches 78 of average life expectancy. ON THE OTHER SIDE, This is slightly lower if it is compared
Hallo.. here my suggestion for you  
  
1. ... many hospital beds are used to ...  
  
2.... measured in thousands ~~in~~of eight different countries ...  
  
3. ...This is contrasts to America that ...  
  
4. ... becomes the highest use ~~among~~ amongst ~~the other~~ countries presented  
  
5. ~~The table reveals that~~ The United States of America spends ...
**Many cities have serious problem with traffic congestion  
  
What are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions?**  
  
Every metropolitan city in the world must be facing the issue of traffic jam. This happens because of some reasons, such as uneven development which led to transmigration from rural to urban area, the growing number of cars on our streets, and at last, the road space which remains unchaged from year to year. The government must take initiatives to handle this problem by proposing some fresh solutions, such as encouraging people to use public transportation, limiting the ownership of private cars as well as the number of people in cars when it is used.  
  
Traffic congestion is not a new problem; however, government, for example in Indonesia, finds it hard to overcome this matter. The primary reason of this issue, I think, comes from uneven development in each province so that it is triggered many people to move so as to seek a decent life by working in modern cities. Another cause of this problems comes from the increasing sum of cars which are used by many people, but this is not followed by constructing new roads; consequently, many cars bogged down on the streets due to lack of roads.  
  
Regarding to this matter, some solutions could be proposed in order to help reducing traffic congestion. One of the solutions is to encourage people to use public transportation so that the number of private vehicles on the streets go down. Another solution is to introduce laws which forbade people to have more than 2 vehicles as well as to limit the minimum number of passengers in cars, and thus people do not use, for example, one car for one person. By doing as such, I strongly believe the traffic jam on the streets will decrease progressively.  
  
In conclusion, the issue of traffic congestion is something like people cannot shun in many modern cities and needs strenuous effort to be overcome. The causes of this problem could come from many aspects as what has been explained; thus, government will play significant roles by proposing some policies to reduce the congestion.
Hi Amril,  
  
Let me sum up several things that you need to consider in order to improve your band score. I hope this would be helpful towards your writing skill development.  
  
- You still have problems in spelling, try to reduce it or eliminate it if possible. This is one of the essential indicators to reach band 6 or above.  
  
- Your introduction paragraph seems too bulky. Try to sum up the information by using this simple-but-effective structure that I got from IELTSadvantage.com as follows:  
  
**Introduction**  
Sentence 1- Paraphrase question  
Sentence 2- Outline sentence (say what you will discuss in the rest of the essay)  
  
**Problem**  
Sentence 3- State problem  
Sentence 4- Explain what problem is  
Sentence 5- What is the result of this problem  
Sentence 6- Example  
  
**Solution**  
Sentence 7- State solution  
Sentence 8- Explain how solution will solve problem  
Sentence 9- Example  
  
**Conclusion**  
Sentence 10- Summary of main points in paragraphs 2 and 3  
Sentence 11- Prediction or recommendation  
  
If you are worried this type of structure cannot possibly reach 250 words, you are definitely wrong. I had some experience in writing by using this type of structure and I could reach more than 250 words. My suggestion is that it is better to write only one problem and one solution than more than that. Writing more than one problem and one solution would be time-consuming and you won't be able to catch up the time for task 1. One problem and one solution can also be a powerful weapon to explain everything clearly.  
  
Hope this helps mate! :)
When I was a freshman, I was bullied - by myself. Every day, I would face the same torture, stealing my lunch money and stuffing myself in lockers. I was even wedgied at times. I would get picked on and teased in front of the entire classroom by myself. Tears rolled down my eyes as I tore down the hallway, and without noticing, straight into the faculty bathroom. However, the cruel fact I learned is that I will never escape from my bully. Then one day, I told myself that justice will be served. I finally stood up for myself, fighting back every time I was bullied. Without the help of others, I learned to be a brave individual who stands up to and for myself. Others around me even looked at me with astonishment, some even fainting to the floor; perhaps they are so shocked at my brave stature, and perhaps they must want to learn from the best of the best! Now my bully has become my best friend. We learned to build vanilla and strawberry flavored ice creams topped with a golden cherry. What I will never forget is the look on my teacher's bewildered face in the bathroom, the look of horror he had when I broke into his stall and punched myself in the face.
Hi Alex, welcome to EF Team :)  
  
Honestly, I am confused by the whole essay that you have written. Your grammar is somehow still acceptable, but when it comes to the content, I keep asking myself *"what does this writer mean? Did he bully himself? How come?"* As I know, when you "get bullied ", this means other people/persons treat you badly or inappropriately. It can be in terms of mental or physical acts such as mocking, insulting, or even punching/torturing. How can a person bullies him/herself? This is the question that comes to my mind when I read your essay. Can you please clarify or re-explain about what you are talking about or perhaps tell me in a simple way possible? I hope after reading your explanation I would be able to fully understand about what you have written in this essay. Therefore, I would be able to give my feedback for the betterment of your essay later on. You can just answer my question below this message. :)
***The chart below shows information about the problems people have when they go to live in other countries. summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant.***  
  
The chart informs about the kind of problem people were often faced when starting to stay abroad according to age. Overall, people having 35-54year-olds had the most problematic challenge. To find a school for their children was the least percentage of the problem for all age range while for people aged 35 to over 55, sorting out healthcare was the first rank of the problem.  
  
The greatest problem for young age was sorting out the money with just below 35 percent. Meanwhile, only 35 percent of 35-54 years old people finding it as a problem while older people had 29 percent of integration problem on this issue. Sorting out healthcare was the trickiest problem with people range 35-54 and over 55 age. The former had 33 percent while the latter had 31 percent of problems. However, for the young age, only 32 percent of people faced the problem.  
  
Finding a school for the children was the problem for people in the middle age and the young with 19 and 6 percent. For elder people, it was the least problem they faced with only two percent of the people.  
  
*
Ivan, please allow me to share with you a properly worded version of your essay report for future reference:  
  
*The chart provides information about the kinds of problems people face when they move to another country. The problems are presented according to the age of the person who moved away. In a nutshell, the 35-54 year old people face the most problematic challenge. The highest ranked problem for this age group was healthcare. While the least problem for their age was finding a school for their children.  
  
Financial problems represented the greatest problem for the younger generation aged 18-34. The represented 35 % of the money problem. While only 29 % of the 35 - 54 population considered money a problem. On the other hand, the 35-54 age group had healthcare as their biggest and trickiest problem. With only 33 % represented by the age group, this showed that the people over the age of 55 had 31 % of the problems presented to deal with. While the 18 -34 year old people had only 31 % of the problems to resolve. Finally, 29 % of the participants in the survey had a social integration problem.  
  
The least problem for the participants seemed to be finding a school for their children. This was pretty common among the middle aged people. While the 19 year old bracket only represented 6 % of this problem. the oldest people in the group represented only 2 % of the population that faced those surveys.*  
  
If you will learn how to collate the information provided into groups that can be discussed fluidly in the report, then you should not have a problem composing the essay anymore.
*Hi Ivan.  
Welcome to Essay Forum. You have been a right website to improve your skill. I hope you can harness this as well as possible. In this time, I will focus on contents of your writing. Please, meet my notes and review them*  
  
The chart informs about the kind of problem ...  
THE CHART DISPLAYS INFORMATION ABOUT KINDS OF PROBLEM FACED WHEN PEOPLE WANT TO MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY BASED ON THREE DIFFERENT AGE GROUPS.  
  
- Overall, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT people having 35-54year-olds ~~had~~ HAVE *(This is fact information so that you have to use the simple present tense)* the most problematic challenge.  
  
Meanwhile, only 35 percent of 35-54 years old people ...  
*(be careful to write meanwhile and while in one sentence. It will make your sentence vague and readers confused. I suggest you only write meanwhile)*  
  
The former had 33 percent while the latter had 31 percent of problems  
*I appreciate for your endeavors to use "the former and the Latter". However, you have to be careful to use them because those can make the readers confused. well, you can use them if you only describe two items clearly. I have found that you reviewed 3 figures in the paragraphs so that I am confused about relations. Which groups did relate to the former and latter?. You have to be more aware.*  
  
had 33 percent  
You should make your data more varied. The fraction can be called in this paragraph. HAVE APPROXIMATELY ONE-THIRDS  
  
... the young with 19 and 6 percent  
19 AND 6 PERCENT RESPECTIVELY.  
  
... for people in the middle age and the young with 19 and 6 percent. For elder people, it was the least problem they faced with only two percent of the people.  
*Where is your comparison??. honestly, this is odd paragraph because you did not totally describe the key data. besides that, your paragraph only consists of two sentences. keep in your mind, each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences.*  
  
Hopefully, this can help you to enhance your skill.  
I really believe you can show better progress if you wanna practice again and again  
keep spirit  
GOOD LUCK :D
**Information technology enables people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc).  
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
It is generally known that some people now are used to work apart from their office due to the ease given by internet-based technology such as tablet, smart phone, and laptop. This new way of working has allowed people to save much time spending on commuting and it may lead to reduce amount number of air pollution. From my point of view, these mentioned advantages should outweigh the tendency to get bored of working alone.  
  
Lots of evidences of high-level congestion in common big cities have lead people to spend too much time only on driving to their work place. Some research conducted proven that the terrible traffic jam can make the drivers and passengers suffer bad level of stress. For this reason, working in home with sake of internet connection should be a reasonable solution. Another severe impact of the huge number of motor vehicle existed in the streets is that the increasing concentration of carbon dioxide in the air. Once again, companies which utilize advanced technology in daily operation may help the world to reduce the greenhouse gasses emitted.  
  
Feeling bored may be the possible drawback of working apart from other partners. Generally, workplaces have suitable environment surrounding by many staffs, so each worker has some social interaction there. This atmosphere cannot be found by ones who work outside their company. Harvard University has proven that freelancer 2 times faster to become bored than those who work in their office.  
  
In conclusion, the favourable effect brought by technology in the way people work including time efficiency and friendlier impact on reducing pollution should be outweigh its drawback to make the workers become unwilling to do their job in the shorter time.
1st paragraph:  
- Recently, it is generally known that some people ~~now are used to~~do their works far away from their office~~apart from their office~~ due to the ease given by internet-based ~~technology~~technologies such as tablet, smart phone, and laptop.  
  
- ... it may ~~lead to~~ reduce the amount~~number~~ of air pollution.  
- From my point of view, these mentioned advantages ~~should~~ outweigh the tendency to get bored of working alone.  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- Lots of evidences of high-level congestion in ~~common~~ big cities (big cities are already "common". Mentioning common would be redundant)~~have~~ lead people to...  
  
- ~~Some research conducted proven that~~(I prefer not to write any research if it is unclear. What kind of research? who is the researcher?)This~~the~~ terrible traffic jam can make the drivers and passengers suffer ~~bad level of~~from stress.  
  
- For this reason, working ~~in~~at home ~~with sake~~by the help of internet connection should...  
- ~~Once again~~In addition , companies which utilize advanced technology in their daily operations~~may~~might help the world to reduce the bad effect of greenhouse gasses ~~emitted~~ .  
  
Hope this helps Eka :)
As you know, developing new devices such as computer and television,... make people motionless to do some exercises, so it is resulted into more sicknesses and diseases. However, I think it depends on the behavior of each person because each person has different daily activities.  
  
For most people, computer and television are the main devices which entertain people in their daily lives. However, using them too much in the office causes some problems in citizen's health. If you watch television or computer too much, it can not only cause some problems on their eyes but also influence their work. Also, the operating of computer for work causes a big problem on their vision. Most people spend their time watching, which causes many negative effects for citizen's health.  
  
On the other hand, the newer technologies have more advantages for people's health. For example, Television is one of the entertain everyone who necessary for relax, laugh, and find news. Computers are very helpful some people to do their jobs. With computer, make people do many works easier, you can watch video, play games, and also browsing the internet. Therefore, technology is not the only reason that people do less physical activities. There are other tools which cause some physical problems . And nowadays, new product have used in many hospitals all over the world, which help the doctors detect the problem of their patients. But sometimes, they spend they leisure all day for lazy and make our body overweight.  
  
In conclusion, in my view of our problem in gaining weight can be originated from less physical activities which is the main disadvantages of new inventions. Indeed, everybody in the world needs computer and television. However, sometimes we have remembers that we must be to exercise before and after use it.
Hi Tuyet,  
  
I think that you need to write the prompt of this essay. This would ease us in reading and checking your essay whether you have successfully answered the prompt properly or not. Aside from that, I would still want to help you in this essay by focusing on grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
... and television make people ~~motionless to do some exercises~~tend to live a sedentary lifestyle . ~~so~~Thus,~~it is resulted into~~~~more sicknesses and~~this makes various types of diseases are currently growing . (I have no idea why did you wrote (...) three dots in this sentence. I think that it ruined the structure of this sentence itself and the meaning is quite confusing because of this)  
  
- However, ~~I think it depends on the behavior of each person because ...~~I disagree with the statement above because I think it depends....(if you want to get a high score, stating your position clearly would do)  
  
4th paragraph:  
- In this paragraph, you are suggested to re-state your position clearly. You cannot reach band 6 or above if you write an unclear conclusion. (I assume that this is an IELTS writing task 2. If this is different type of essay, unclear conclusion still become a problem anyway)  
  
Hope this helps :)
If one asks who is in the caregiver of a garden filling with flowers? It must be the teacher, the most respectful profession in the world. Everybody experienced the students' time and knew what the teachers were dedicated to us. And the issue regarding to the salary of teachers has been debated for a long time. In my opinion, I think teachers are supposed to be paid as much as, even much more than doctors, lawyers or businessmen.  
  
Firstly, teaching students with a plenty of knowledge needs to well-rounded preparation, which is not less than other occasions. Before the class, teachers will collect the newest information from Internet, arrange every details of the class contents and rehearse the sequence of performance. My mom is a university teachers, every semester, she will first search more recent research or theory about her class, prepare the course content and show more up-to-date knowledge to her students. Even if the same class, she has taught for a lots of time, she still revises the class content constantly. What's more, she changes some pedagogical method toward her students. Because she believes that different teaching methods suit to different students, which can facilitate their learning to a variety extent.  
  
Next, teachers must keep their eyes on every student's development all the time, devoting much more than other professions. As a teacher in primary school, secondary school or even kindergarten, teachers must pay their attention to keep the students' health and safe both in physical and mental. Playing with other friends at school may get rise to some injury with carelessness, which enable the students' may be in dangerous situation. In order to avoid such bad things, teachers must keep reminding students' constantly and watch their activities. There are also lots of troubles coming from family, study or interpersonal relationship, which happens frequently in students' life. And the teachers should detect and recognize students' emotion development and give more care and love to them. All of these cannot be reached by other occasions.  
  
Last but not least, not only teaching knowledge, the more prominent achievement for a teacher is to cultivate student's personality and values, which cannot buy with money. When we were young, most of our time is spent in school. And people taught us most are our teachers. Their values, actions and personality toward the world, love and life have tremendous impact on our attitude toward the world. The most impressive teacher in my life is a charming man who taught us Chinese, the sentence he usually told to us that to be integrity and to be kindness no matter how the world changed. His words kept in my mind for so many years and was a principle for me to treat others. What he taught me cannot measure by money.  
  
In conclusion, teachers' influence on people is much more than the doctors, lawyers or business man. The things they taught can be permanent through our whole life. Paying them as much as doctors, lawyers or businessmen is fair to what they devoted.
***Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience***  
  
Nowadays, there are many causes that make children have an unhealthy lifestyle. Not only schools but also parents have a responsibility to solve those problems. Personally, i agree that both schools and parents are responsible for children's behaviour because they are the guardian of the children even in the schools or houses.  
  
In the recent years, both schools and parents give their children facilities such as the computer for schools and handphone for home. They are responsible for managing the children's time when children use those technologies because most of the children get a lot of information from their gadgets and much time they spend for it. For instance, my brother who used the computer for three hours non-stop played games and watched many videos on youtube. Those activities actually can harm his brain and make him addicted to that technology. There is the reason why schools and parents have to control their time by using computer or gadget even in schools or houses.  
  
Another problem for children who have unhealthy lifestyle is food supply which schools and parents give to them. This becomes a problem because food is the direct supply for brain and body. Children can be healthy and easy to accept information in class when they get the better quality of food. For example, schools give a permission to other people who sell the food around the school without know the quality of the food. Another example, parents give the children food which is bought from the outside but do not cook by themselves. Those are will be harm to children's brain and health. So, the schools have to make a canteen which is under control at schools and parents should control the quality of food that they give to children at home.  
  
In conclusion, there are many problems which the children get in their life. both schools and parents are responsible for creating the good character of their children in daily life so that they will have a healthy lifestyle