dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
To, there is no way to accurately grade your essay because of the lack of the copy of the bar graph. The image that accompanies the prompt is actually a mandatory upload because it carries the proper analysis of your essay along with it. I will compare the work that you did with the information in the graph as well as the instructions that were provided with it. While I think that you shared the relevant information in a direct manner, this actually made the essay fall short of the 3 sentence minimum per paragraph. You only have one paragraph that accurately depicts the correct format and that is the 3rd paragraph. The rest of the paragraphs are underdeveloped. So, without the illustration to refer to, I will assume that your essay does not share the complete information in the chart or, your sentences ran too long and combined 2 thoughts in one sentence, hence the length, which is the cause of the shortened essay presentation.  
  
It is not enough to just have the proper word count in the essay. It is important to make sure that you present all of the required elements of the format, as well as the prompt. The first paragraph could have used additional information, which was most likely overlooked on your part, but should have been part of the opening statement / report summary. The same goes for the concluding statement.  
  
I hope you keep these pointers in mind when you write your next essay. In the meantime, I will await the copy of the illustration so that I can properly advice you regarding which parts to further improve.
The students normally attach the image of a scan of the prompt with the essay. There is actually a button in the black portion of the box above the text box that says "Attach Image". Click on that link to upload the image. You can post / upload the image in the next thread by using that instruction. You can't attach it to the original link anymore. So just upload it as a new response. Just out some text in the text box that says "Here is the image" so that I will know that you uploaded the image for this exercise. It is not difficult to do. You just have to look for the link to upload the image. I already told you where it is located. So you should be able to do it without any difficulties. I will be waiting for the upload. After you upload the image, I will review the essay once again. This time, I will be reviewing and scoring your work based on the instructions you were given.
To, the score you will most likely get for this essay is a 5. That is because you missed out on some key bullet points from the image within your report summary. The first piece of information that you lacked in the overview was the reference to the earnings in billions of dollars. You should have also clearly listed down the years presented in actual number format in order to create a truly informed overview.  
  
Now, in the short paragraph 2, instead of saying "3 things", you should make specific mention of the three gaming formats instead. That would have removed the mechanical feature of your presentation and also offer you an opportunity to further expand the explanation in the paragraph. Never say "the next year", always indicate the full year in numbers. You have a hanging sentence in "However, sales of three other stuff." Three other stuff what? There is a lacking subject in that sentence.  
  
This essay would have been better developed if you had chosen to present the information in groups of 4 instead. The first group, would have shown the global sales of games covering mobile, online, console, and handheld games. The stagnating figure, could have been presented as a paragraph unto itself. However, these are writing styles that more seasoned writers are capable of doing. I would love it if you could aspire to achieve that status by first, trying to practice that style in your practice essays. If you can present your essays in a manner that shows a higher level of writing, you are sure to gain higher points in task accuracy and grammar range.
## Pie charts and table

  
  
The pie chart represents the data of reasons of land degradation globally whereas the table shows the impact of land degradation in three different continents. Most of all, overgrazing is the majority cause of degradation and Europe is the region that has the largest loss of land.  
  
There is about 35 percent of land degraded happened in cosequence of over grazing. Indeed, the deforestation comes in second largest causes of degrading land. However, it is only about 7 percent contributed by uknown causes, whereas over- cultivation is the other reason that cause 28 percent of land degradation.  
  
In detail, Ocenia region experiences over-grazing recently than any other continents, which is about 11.3 percent. Besides, over-cultivation in Europe is twice as North America which is about 3.3 percent. Nevertheless, Europe has the highest percentage of deforestation among continents, contributing 9.8 percent of total land degraded that is about 23 percent.
Fadhil, please post the chart for comparison purposes. I cannot properly analyze your work without the images and data to compare it with. In the meantime, here are general observations of your work. The opening statement is too short in relation to the 3 sentence minimum requirement. You have written two long sentences that would have been more efficient in improving your task accuracy score if you had created separate sentences and fulfilled the minimum 3 sentence requirement instead. He very careful of your grammar. You said "in cosequence" when the correct term is "as a consequence". Mistakes like that prove a carelessness in writing that directly affects the related band criteria score. Always proof read and edit your work before submitting for scoring or review.
***Hi Fadhi**l, welcome to Essay Forum. Hopefully, in the next term, you attach the picture about you explained if you wanna get more feedback. Readers do not analyze your information which you displayed.  
  
Firstly, you have actually displayed the introductory paragraph well. However, you should keep in your mind that the paragraph is supposed to contain at least 3 sentences. I think you can separate your overview into two sentences so that you can produce three sentences in the first paragraph.  
  
Before you write this writing, you should analyze the information about its time. This circumstance happened in the 1990s so that you should present the past tense here. Please, you remember that because that matter can reduce your score, especially in the grammar. Following this, I don't know why I see your data as listing the data. I mean you explained one by one figure in the first body paragraph. You should impress examiners with your ability in the analyze. In other words, you can compare the figures directly. I only remind you that your job in writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to describe separately.  
  
overall, this is enough good because you know the basic elements shown in the writing task 1. I really believe you can master this skill if you wanna practice again and again.  
  
GOOD LUCK*
## solving dilemmas of our society

  
  
All of us are raised in this society and thus have the responsibility to improve it. With the rapid development of industries and sciences, there are lots of problems in our society pertained to the aspects of educational systems and environmental pollution. Therefore, we should make our society better starting by solving these dire obstacles.    
  
First and foremost, by altering the current educational systems we can relieve the problems of unemployment. Nowadays school education has ironically turned into college entrance education, which disastrously leads to over-qualified graduates with low-paying jobs while local companies lack professionals. We should offer integrated and diverse educations along with expanding the implementation of industry-academy cooperation.   
  
Secondly, it is indispensable to improve the quality of our living standards by protecting our environment. Strengthening the control of waste liquid treatments and subsidizing electric / hybrid car purchases would be a sensible choice rather than continuing this fatuous devastation to our mother nature. In addition, we must also reduce the amount of personal garbage so as to achieve a sustainable environment for human society, paying special attention to harmonizing the relationship between humankind and nature.   
  
Last but not the least, an efficient and thorough improvement to our society relies not just on the reforms in policies but on the effort of involving every single person in this movement. Our success in improving our society depends on the extent to which we can get the people involved in this movement and make them understand the significance of solving these social problems. This will determine how fast our society progresses and improves.  
  
Obviously, it is high time that we should take certain measures to solve the problems. I think all the methods described above can solve the dilemma to our society and lead us to a better tomorrow.
Kalmia, are you writing this as a response to a specific English qualifying test that you will be taking in the future? If so, then please tell me which test that is and also, provide the complete prompt requirement that you are responding to. That is the best way for me to be able to properly review and comment on your essay. That is also the best way to present your essays for review in your future practice tests.  
  
While the discussion is engaging and knowledgeable, I am unsure as to whether or not this is the proper response to the prompt. So it would be best if I knew what topic you are trying to discuss and what the expected response presentation is. I would like to commend you on the good work (so far) that you have done in terms of lexical resource and grammar range. This essay is truly understandable and does not cause undue stress upon the reader. Whether it properly responds to the prompt though, is something that I have yet to discover.
Kaur, the prompt for the CBEST must be properly presented at the start of your essay so that you can receive a proper analysis and scoring for your work from me. You cannot just post the end of the prompt and expect to be properly scored on your work as the elements that need to be represented in the discussion are not known to me, as a reviewer. Therefore, the score for your test will be held back on my end, until you have posted the complete prompt. For now, I will offer you a general statement on the problems with your writing style. Not the content, because of the lack of prompt requirement.  
  
While you did write an impressive number of words in your essay and showed a clarity of thought, almost properly developed sentences, developed discussion, and almost grammar problem free writing, you did not present the essay in an acceptable format. Just as with any other essay, the CBEST essay still follows the 5 paragraph format which includes an introduction, 3 paragraph bodies, and a conclusion. You will need to learn to separate your thought process into acceptable paragraphs in your next practice test in order to fulfill the format requirement.
Kaur, the best that you can score on this essay is a 3. The basis of the score is the fact that you were unable to properly represent the pros and cons of each side. It would have been better if your response had collected all of the pro and con statements for each side in a connected discussion per paragraph. That way the essay does not feel so disconnected because you kept a running comparison of the two grading systems instead of simply discussing the pro and con of each grading type covering a total of 2 paragraphs. That made it confusing for the reader to keep track of the point of your essay. You need to show an ability to show a progressive discussion and an ability to create connected flows of thought within a paragraph. thus increasing your score further.
**Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered?**  
  
## The new lifestyle and lack of immunity

  
  
These days children have many diseases which in the past were just for elderly people. Some bad habits and new lifestyle cause this problem. I have some suggestions about this problem.  
  
It is obvious many junk food and prepared food are easy found, which have many high Cholesterols. Young people just have them because they do not like to spend a lot of time to cook the healthy food. Also, their parents do not have a lot of time to prepare home-made food. Therefore, children tend to eat some unhealthy food in the restaurant or cafe. Moreover, children do not have a lot of exercises or physical movements. So, their bodies produce many fat.  
  
There are many ways to prevent some disease in the early age. By buying regularly fruits and vegetables instead of junk food, children are encouraged to eat healthy food. Also, spending more time to walk to go to the school instead of regularly driving the cars to take and put children, children can have exercise. Also, children should have some courses for sports. Moreover, they should know about importance of healthy body. For example, they should be thought about some consequence of bad lifestyle.  
  
In conclusion, children have some problems as result of new lifestyle. They have some diseases that people in the past suffered in the old age. Children do not have healthy nutrition. Also, they do not have exercise as the same level as children used to have in the past. For increasing the number of children having these diseases, spending some time to have physical movement and providing some healthy food can prevent this problem.
Sara, your opening statement could use some improvement. While it accurately represents the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph, there is a bit of confusion, a lack of clarity in the way that you presented the prompt. The addition of two more explanatory sentences in the paragraph, bring it to the maximum 5 sentence count, would have solved that problem. For instance, you should have used the keyword, obesity in describing the topic of the essay and the succeeding discussions you were referring to. That would have shown that you understood what the topic is and how to discuss it. This would have resulted in a higher task accuracy score for yourself.  
  
The rest of the body is well thought our and descriptive in terms of handling the discussion. Your discussion uses only simple sentences at this point. However, the simple sentences were enough to help you express yourself and allow you to accurately discuss your plan of action in relation to solving the obesity problem. Again, it would have been nice to see you use the focal point of discussion as a term within the paragraph to further show grammar accuracy and range. This is the very same problem that exists in your otherwise acceptable concluding paragraph.  
  
Needless to say though, your work on this essay is good enough to get a passing score of 5 overall in the IELTS scoring band. At least, that is my opinion.
***Hi Sara***, welcome to Essay Forum. I am pleased to tell you that you have been a right medium for correcting your writing. I have read yours closely and found things which you should improve.  
  
Firstly, you have paraphrased the statement successfully. Even you have shown problems of that matter. However, you should include the solution what you will review in the body paragraph. You don't need for displaying detailed because those are parts of the body paragraph.  
  
Turning to your body paragraph, I have not found the explanation of the new lifestyle which you presented in the thesis statement. On the contrary, you have reviewed the new reason "Lack of physical exercise". It is not out the topic, but that is not parallel between what you mentioned in the thesis and body paragraph.  
  
On the other hand, you have shown the solution in the second body paragraph, but it not relevant to the cause in the previous paragraph. You said that the parents do not have time for cooking. I think you can offer the solution that the parents should request the healthy food in food store for serving every morning so that children can bring a packed meal from home.  
  
They have some diseases that people in the past suffered in the old age.  
Perhaps, you can remove the above sentence. It is redundant because that is unimportant in the conclusion. You have to remember that the conclusion is got for paraphrasing the thesis statement.  
  
I really believe you can master this section on condition that you need more time for practicing more and more.  
Happy writing  
GOOD LUCK
Sara, while you did marvelously well in answering the prompt, I just have few observations to make. Also, spending more time to walk to go to the school instead of regularly driving the cars to take and put children, children can have exercise. Rephrase this statement so as to portray what you really meant to say.  
  
For increasing the number of children having these diseases, spending some time to have physical movement and providing some healthy food can prevent this problem. This statement is contradicting. Cross check your original draft.  
  
It is obviousthat many junk food and prepared food are easy found, which have many high Cholesterols.  
  
Apart from these points I signified, I think you did well in arranging your paragraphs.
Improving your IELTS score is not something that can happen overnight. It takes practice, practice, practice. If you want to improve your score, focus on your English comprehension skills. Understand the language, learn to look for the keywords like I mentioned earlier. Most of all, make sure that you understand the question being asked and the kind of response you are expected to discuss. Those are some of the things that you can do to help improve your TA score.  
  
Next, to improve your lexical score, you need to use the keywords from the original prompt in your paragraph development. Used in the correct manner, meaning that you can prove that you understand the meaning or use of the word and are capable of presenting the word in an originally developed sentence, you can increase your lexical score as well.  
  
As for the cohesiveness and cohesion, you just need to try and present your evidence in a logical manner. Usually in the order that it is expected to be discussed based upon the prompt requirement. If you can present an understandable discussion of the prompt requirements, your GRA score will also increase.  
  
The only way you can truly improve your score is by doing as many practice tests as you can, under proper guidance. So do the practice essays, religiously post the essays here for comments and suggestion, then use those to improve your future essay presentations. It also will not hurt you to review the work of others here so you can learn from their mistakes. That is another way of improving your writing skills as well.
dear thanks a lot for your tips but honestly speaking, My writing has not changed after 8 years. I write thousands wiring. I know about your criteria. But, I could not change my writing at all. I read one writing with band score 8 and try to write similar that wiring. But my writing band score is 5 and that writing band score is 8. Please guide me to solve my big problem. after so long studying and reading, my writing does not change. I took IELTS exam five times but every time I got 5.5 band score. so, some thing should be in my writing that have to be improved.
Sara, the main point that you have to work on improving is your ability to understand English. The reason that you do not do well in the tests, no matter how many times you take it is because you are not a native English speaker, you are not surrounded by native English speakers, and therefore, do not have the ability to think, understand, and speak in English on a 24.7 basis. If you cannot truly understand the topic for discussion in the prompt, you will not be able to properly address the topic given for discussion. I am sorry to be harsh but that is the reality of your writing shortcoming. There is still a way you can improve though. It is something that has really worked for my students in the past.  
  
I want you to stop writing IELTS practice tests. Instead, look for English articles online and read them. Understand what the article is all about. Then write an essay that tells me what you understand from the article. That is all I want you to focus on for now. Once you have answered those 4 questions, post your essay here, accompanied by the guide questions then I will analyze whether you are showing improvement or not in your comprehension skills. Do this as a part of your daily English routine. If you are self studying for the IELTS, then do not do the practice tests yet. If you are enrolled in IELTS classes though, you should just add this exercise to your daily routine to help improve your comprehension abilities.
Sara, I might be able to give some suggestions and the tips I used to obtain IELTS high band score. However, I want to know something, why are you particular about writing? Are you already good to go in the other components (i.e Speaking, Reading and Listening)? Also, the 5.5 band you mentioned, is it your overall score or just your score in writing component?  
  
Respond to this questions so that I would know which tip I would make available for you.
Thanks a lot Holt for your speaking. I try to read articles and then write them again. and follow your suggestion.  
for okorobiadimma14, my listening can be improved even 7. and my speaking is 6.5 and my reading is 6. But, my writing has not been improved at all. actually, I do not know how to improve it. I want to take IELTS exam for the universities. my overall is 6 academic and I need 6.5 academic IELTS.
**Some people think government should take measures on healthy lifestyle of individuals, Few others think it must be managed by each individual responsibility. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.**  
  
## bad habits equal bad health

  
  
Over the last few decades, the food habits have changed vigorously. Some people believe that government should implement measures for a healthy lifestyle, while others think individuals must take the necessary measurements. In my view, I have a mixed opinion and believe that both government and individuals should go hand in hand in helping individuals to maintain a healthy diet.  
  
On one hand, few people are of opinion that individuals are of prime importance in ensuring their lifestyle and healthy food habits. The unhealthy eating patterns have triggered issues such as obesity, diabetes et cetera which seek immediate attention. So individuals should consult doctors and come up with a chart for their diet and implement it without fail. Along with this, it is crucial to do some kind of physical activity which keeps everyone healthy and fit. Including nutrient rich food in our diet definitely have paramount importance in maintaining a balanced died.  
  
On the flip side, a government should actively involve in helping citizens of their country to maintain a healthy lifestyle. This can be accomplished by arranging campaigns about what makes a healthy lifestyle and importance of it. In addition, a government can levy high taxes on fast foods which are having an adverse effect on humans' health. Alongside, a government can arrange for free physical activity classes which are indeed essential to everyone. In western countries, the sessions pertaining to physical activity are organised by the government for free of cost.  
  
Healthy lifestyle is the key to successful life which has to be achieved by everyone. In conclusion, I assert that both government and individuals should thrive to create a healthy environment which in turn promotes healthy lifestyle.