dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Holt  
Thanks for taking time to give me so much insightful suggestions. I do agree with you that I shall rearrange my paragraphs with obvious and strong arguments. And actually score doesn't matter a lot for me because I think the writing skill is a life-long subject to learn that cannot only defined with a quantified number and more importantly it is served as a thinking weapon for us to live with. I put my simplified version that only keeps the modified part of the previous one here as below in case you have any further comments.  
  
Before that, I want to explain that why I use segue phrases or subject sentences at the start of my paragraphs. I, along with my peers, am told that the exam markers only have limited time to read an article in a TOEFL test. So, if an article can equip with some signal words or topic sentences, it may be helpful for markers to find your logic and core ideas. But The new opinion you gave me that those sentences may create a diversion in my response is very helpful and I will share with my peers. Thanks again!  
  
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BEST AGE FOR TRAVELING ABROAD  
  
With the improvement of living standards... Meanwhile, there is a prevailing belief that it is better to travel abroad when you are young. I definitely agree with the belief as traveling abroad at a young age can enable us with a chance to have more insights and a super-healthy body to enjoy the trip.  
  
Traveling abroad is a precious passage to get familiar with the the development of economy and technology in other country, which is a good opportunity to broaden the mind...  
  
Interesting as it is, traveling abroad will consume much physical strength. Provided with abundant energy, young people could enjoy a great time. But for older people, a lack of physical strength prevents them from trying new activities that require a strong body. Like last year...Easily tired as she got, she had to take a lot of time to rest at hotel. This is possibly why she ended in disappointment. When getting older...  
  
It seems that old age means plenty of leisure time to travel abroad and of course old people deserve to have a long rest after a lifetime of exertion. Conversely, young people are persuaded to focus on study and fight for their career rather than to travel abroad at the cost of work progress. Nevertheless, I insist that as long as the balance between trip and work could be achieved, traveling abroad will indeed help enlarge our scope and relax ourselves that accompanied by the improvement of work efficiency.  
  
Thus, I advocate traveling abroad when we are young. It is not only because...More importantly, each dot whatever you experience or whoever you talk with will finally be connected to define who you are in your history and make sense for the world of humanity in a micro perspective.
Its topic is: **"Writing, reading and maths are the three recognized traditional subjects. Computer skills should also be the fourth largest branch. Do you agree or disagree?".**  
  
## computer skills as a compulsory subject?

  
  
It may indeed be true to claim that adding some subjects to curriculum schools has long been a thorny question perplexing a large number of people. Whilst an army of people persist in the idea computer skills is not essential for learning, I totally agree that adding this skills would be able to offer more advantages.  
  
The major reason explaining why I agree this issue is because society would receive directory many benefits. Many people, who have the same perspective, assert that the most prime virtue is that it creates positive effects upon whole society into a long-term through improving the quality of future generation of workers. To illustrate a common example, those who are interested in this issue look into Japan where the large proportions of schools usually focus on teaching soft skills. Another fundamental argument raised by advocates is that it helps students to acquire a good knowledge of computer technology. With having insight into computer, in turn, it also results in using easily online resources, which leads to open the door to better job opportunity.  
  
On the other hand, there are some disagreements about this trend. The first one which deserves to draw people's attention is that many undergraduates would rely too much on computer. Hundreds of researchers have shown that this idea is only reasonable in theory but it runs directly counter to the facts. Lastly, another counter argument worth mentioning here is that buying a computer is beyond what their parents can afford. As a matter of fact, although this viewpoint is right up to a point, it only influences upon the minority. Therefore, a lot of families reported that they can fully fulfill their son's requirement.  
  
In conclusion, computer skill has played a significant role in the people's life. This has both upsides and downsides in current condition and future circumstance. Yet it is my firm belief that strength of applying this subject for compulsory subject outweighs its drawbacks.
In terms of content, it's good that you provide a specific example (Japan) to support your claim. But perhaps, you can make your arguments more direct and easier to understand. Also, the question directly asks for your opinion, which I personally think you should give in the body paragraph directly above the conclusion after having evaluated both sides of the argument.  
  
In terms of writing style, I think you're trying too hard to add advanced vocabulary to your sentences and make them longer. Although having a wide range of grammatical structures is an IELTS criterion, trying too hard to make your sentence longer may backfire as it can sound unnatural!  
  
For example,  
It may indeed be true to claim that adding some subjects to curriculum schools has long been a thorny question perplexing a large number of people.  
  
It may indeed be true to claim that : To me, this part seems a little too wordy. Maybe you can just begin with "Adding some subjects ...".  
  
curriculum schools: I assume that you're meant to say the school's curriculum?  
  
Whilst an army of people persist in the idea computer skills ~~is~~ are not essential for learning, I totally agree that adding this ~~skills~~ skill would be able to offer more advantages.  
  
Maybe, you can change it to "many people insist that computer skills are not essential for learning". And why wouldn't you say "would offer" rather than "would be able to offer".
Quyet, your opening statement falls short of a proper paraphrasing and opening statement. You neglected to inform the reader about the actual topic that is being discussed inclusively (the 3 other branches of learning) and how you are to discuss it. This opening statement should have read:  
  
*There are 3 traditional subject taught in schools namely, writing, reading, and maths. However, there has recently been an interest in adding computer skills as a fourth subject. The reasons why I agree with this statement will be discussed in the following paragraphs.*  
  
You have to relate the new prompt in your understanding, but without the exaggerations that you have taught to use in school. Words like thorny question, perplexing, army of people, while these sound good to you as a writer, the examiner will not view it in the same way because such implied scenarios are not found in the original prompt. Using those words make the essay sound sensationalist instead of academic. Remember, this is an academic essay that you are writing so the same tone must be maintained throughout.  
  
Your examples are well worded but not really developed. There is a lack of examples that could have strengthened your point of view regarding Japan and their interest in computer skills. I sensed that you were more focused in trying to improve your lexical resource score more than anything else in this essay. Let me tell you right now, if your TA and GRA scores suffer, no amount of LR focus will help your final score.  
  
Now, when you are asked to discuss your opinion, don't suddenly change the tone of the essay by making it a comparison essay. Just stick to discussing your opinion alone. Nothing else. That is because by discussing both sides, you are no longer following the instructions that were provided to you for discussion. That means your TA score will face a big deduction in points.
THE TABLE BELOW SHOWS THE NUMBERS OF VISITORS TO ASHDOWN MUSEUM DURING THE YEAR BEFORE AND THE YEAR AFTER IT WAS REFURBISHED. THE CHARTS SHOW THE RESULT OF SURVEYS ASKING VISITORS HOW SATISFIED THEY WERE WITH THEIR VISIT, DURING THE SAME TWO PERIODS.  
  
## Ashdown Museum visitors

  
  
My Review  
  
The table represents the total number of visitor to Ashdown Museum between the year before and after renovation. The charts describe how different the visitor satisfaction to Ashdown museum between the year after and before renovation.  
  
Overall, the Ashdown museum renovation was successfully taking more visitor to come, the visitor accounted for 74000 to 92000.  
  
The year after refurbishment, the percentage of very satisfied was nearly 35% and it experienced a more then halved than before it was renovation. At the beginning before the Ashdown Museum refurbishment satisfied visitor made up to 30%, and then the figures rose to 40% after the Ashdown museum was refurbished.  
  
The dissatisfied visitor which comprised almost a halved of results survey satisfaction the year before refurbishment, it fell down to 15% after the refurbishment. At the same year before renovation, the very dissatisfied visitor was at 10% respectively and then decreased to 5% after the renovation. On other hand, no response visitor remained constant during the same two periods.  
  
Please feel free to comment, I will appreciate it so much.  
  
*
Raisa, in the opening summary, you should always indicate what the purpose of the illustrations are. For example, are these meant for comparison purposes or general discussion? What is the specific instruction that was given for the discussion? The outline for your essay is not clear at the moment. Your trending discussion could have been more complete if you had shown the trend prior to the renovation and then presented the number of visitors after the renovation. When it comes to making comparison discussions, you overlooked the fact that the 5% of no response visitors remained the same for both before and after the renovation. These comparison discussions are important as it shows that you thoroughly analyzed the given information and took note of the small but important details for reporting. The total essay that you wrote is good and reports on almost all the important points. You need to better allot your time for analyzing the images prior to drafting your report. That way you will have time to review and note any information you might have missed the first time you wrote the report.
Hellooo there, you have written a good writing report in IELTS, but sadly some flaws appear somewhere around. Here they are:  
1. A good paragraph consists of at least three sentences. Some paragraphs above did not meet the requirement. If you write this in the real exam, then it will have your score deducted in Coherence and Cohesion.  
  
2. Most students start with this phrase  
  
The table represents the total number of visitor  
. Although this is a common approach to do so, that way is too generic and brings nothing in the way you paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you a try for this:  
  
A comparison of the total visitors going to Ashwdown Museum after the developers refurbished it is presented in the table, while the charts illustrates the surveys based on the changes seen in this museum. The survey collected various responses given from the visitors. The key features of the data will be summarized and delivered thoroughly in this report writing.  
  
3.  
  
Overall, the Ashdown museum renovation  
It is suggested that you need to compose a 2-sentence overview as to cover the general trends and the key points from the graphs. Also, you are not allowed to put figures, numbers or any specific data in this part. Save them for the body paragraphs.  
  
4. When it comes to body paragraphs, clearly check the similarities and diversities of the data, then you need compare and contrast them with the languages used in the IELTS writing task 1. What stands out from your presentation above does not clearly state what IELTS wants you to do so. You simply list the data without any comparison,and this is the biggest mistake that most IELTS students do.  
  
Hope this helps you :)
## Saving wild animals' lives

  
  
These days, governments have dealt with the problem of protecting wild animals from extinction. Thus, people worldwide should work together to come up with more and more effective solutions.  
  
Firstly, it is common knowledge that pollution does great harm to wild creatures. For instance, water pollution from sewage, chemical waste or leaked oil causes the death of countless aquatic animals and plants; also soil pollution contaminates a large number of forests, which are the permanent home for wild species. As a result, we should protect the environment by collecting litter along the beach and purifying the industrial waste. What is more,growing more trees is also advisable for everyone to prevent land and air pollution.  
  
Secondly, the fact that hunters kill animals for their own sake is worth taking into consideration. It is clear that these creatures are hunted owning to illegal business, so the number of wild animals gradually decline each year, which leads to their extinction. Consequently, governments had better conduct more strict policies or create new punishments for ones who break the law. Besides, hunting wild animals without permission ought to be completely prohibited.  
  
Last but not least, the extinction of wildlife species is considered to be a result of human's overpopulation. Undoubtedly, places to live are quickly filled up, so people have no choice but cut down more trees to build houses. This process continues and threatens the life of many wild creatures. Therefore, authorities must try their best to lower the growth of population and carry out the projects of preserving natural sights, taking care of wildlife species' lives and keeping them away from human's reach.  
  
To summarize, to protect endangered animals from the edge of extinction is absolutely essential for every individual because it is primarily the result of human's awareness. From my point of view, people should be more aware of the negative effects on the destruction of wild animals' lives.
@gongyoooppa Since this is a Task 2 essay, you need to present a clear thesis statement in your opening paragraph. That means, after you summarize the discussion, you need to explain what the task of the essay will be. In this instance, the task of the essay will be to discuss how to protect the animals. Without that reference, the essay does not have a thesis statement or a subject for the whole discussion.  
  
The paragraphs that you wrote have good starter information. The problem, is that you do not fully develop the solution discussions. You have to learn how to integrate the problem statement into the solution paragraph. I would have written the second paragraph as follows:  
  
*One of the major environmental problems that affect wildlife is water pollution. The rise in water pollution results in the death and extinction of numerous sea creatures. In order to protect the sea creatures, water conservation and animal rights groups must work with the government towards developing sustainable solutions to the water pollution problem An example of a possible solution for this problem would be to have the aforementioned groups dredge the heavily polluted rivers in order to prepare the surrounding area for ecological purposes such as creating a water park where aquatic wildlife can exist in a protected environment.*  
  
Can you detect how I incorporated the problem into the paragraph while directly connecting it to the solution? That is always the best presentation for these essay types because it allows you to fully develop the paragraph while discussing 2 topics at once.  
  
Your point of view should not be in the concluding paragraph. You have to write that opinion above the closing paragraph because your point of view needs to be developed in presentation and discussion in order to make the examiner understand and believe what you have to say about the topic. Which is why it is given its own paragraph for presentation.
**Topic: Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?**  
  
## **United World**

  
  
With technologic developments, people can reach out anything easily. People can access any laptop, car or food from long-distance countries. It can be an excellent opportunity for everyone. However, it has some negative aspects such as to cause monopolisation and killing the local business.  
  
The first negative effect of globalisation is that it is killing the local business. These days, a company which has money and power can spread easily all over the world. If a company spread all over the world, other small business which are selling similar products in the country will affect harmful. For instance, when a corporation who is selling vegetables and fruits enter the market in a country, a food supplier sell in the country will be affected harmfully. A company will sell the similar vegetables on half price. So that, a food supplier will be bankrupt.  
  
The second negative effect of globalisation is that it causes monopolisation. When a company has too much power, it does not allow to grow enterprises that do the same job with this company. It is always good to have opponent firms for us. Also, monopolisation leads do not care about us because they are the one option for us. For instance, UberEats which is a firm delivery food changed their mediation fees %3 to %10 less than one year. After that restaurants increased their food prices and today, we should buy food more expensive than the past.  
  
As a result, to able to buy the same products can be seen a good opportunity for us. However, it comes with a lot of issue like monopolisation and killing the local business. We should consider negative sides of this and take action about it.
Perita, when you discuss your opening statement, after you present your opinion, do not add information to it that will make it seem like you are already discussing the facts of the essay. The opening statement must only serve as a reference point for your ability to restate an English discussion and outline a discussion process. This is used to consider whether or not you have the English analytical ability for university studies. The actual discussion should only be presented in the body paragraphs.  
  
In the second paragraph, you have an incomplete sentence at the point where you said  
  
It is always good to have opponent firms for us.  
Are you a business owner? Why do you address yourself in the incomplete sentence? The sentence is not clear in meaning. You need to clarify what you mean by offering a reason to support it.  
  
When you present the percentage discussion, please present it in the global format which is: number then percentage symbol. It throws the reader off when you present it in reverse.  
  
In your closing remarks, you must never add new information, such as the final sentence that indicates how the negative sides need to be noted and action must be taken upon it. That is presenting a new venue for discussion, which is is not allowed in a closing paragraph as the paragraph is meant to simply end the discussion. The way to end it is by summarizing the earlier discussion and then repeating your opinion at the end. There is no need for additional information at that point. Otherwise, you will need a new paragraph to discuss that information. In which case, you will go over the maximum 5 paragraph requirement.
**Some people like to travel with a companion. Other people prefer to travel alone. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.**  
  
It is for my school's proficiency exams. It is similar to IELTS task 2. Thanks.  
  
Instruction: Try to show that your written English is good enough for university study.  
(Do not, for example, use only very short, simple sentences.)  
  
**Choice Travel**  
  
Everyone thinks that a lot of people do not like to travel alone. People need a friend for a good trip. However, this idea has wrong sides. Some people like to travel with a companion, contrast to this some people like to travel alone. Both of these has different advantages and disadvantages.  
  
Firstly, a person who prefers to travel alone can focus on himself on the way. An individual who is travelling alone can do whatever he wants to do. For instance, he can watch series and think about his life or a situation. However, it can be boring after some hours. If he bored, he would search for a friend. If he has a friend on the road, he can talk various subjects with his friend.  
  
Secondly, on a long trip people who are travelling together can have different sleeping and eating habits. Some people prefer to sleep early than normal on a long journey. Other people prefer to sleep regularly. What is the logic of travelling together if my friend sleeps when I am awake. Also, in a long trip, eating habits become more important than regular because you will not have numerous options on a long trip like you have in your city. If you travel alone, you will be free to choose your eating and sleeping habits.  
  
As a result, people can prefer to travel alone or with a friend. If someone travel alone, he will have freedom, also he can be bored. If someone travels with a companion, he can spend time more right with his friend. Also, he will lose to choice some important things. I think travelling alone is much better than travelling with a friend because of freedom of choice.
Amra, I would say that this is a high school level English writing. There are still a number of problems with your sentence development that shows difficulty on your part when it comes to using tenses and connecting words. Problems such as "early" when you meant to say "earlier" provides the evidence for your tense usage. The connecting word usage problem can be seen, for example in the sentence "... he can watch series..." when what you needed to say was "... he can watch A TV series...". This provides a connecting word (a) and a subject word (TV series) in the sentence.  
  
Since this test will be based on the IELTS Task 2 test, you should make sure to create a strong opening statement that properly paraphrases the prompt and provides a discussion outline, which is the manner in which the complex sentence structures immediately come to the attention of the examiner. Therefore, it would be better to say:  
  
*There are instances when people prefer to travel with companions. Sometimes, people prefer to travel alone. In this essay, I will discuss the reasons why I believe that traveling with a companion is a better option.*  
  
As you can see, I properly restated the prompt and provided an essay outline for the discussion. Since the essay asks you to pick only one method of travel, either with or without a companion, the fact that you decided to discuss the benefits of traveling first, with a companion, then second, without a companion, means that you did not understand the instructions you were provided. The resulting essay that you wrote did not follow the instructions you were provided so that means this essay will fail the test.  
  
While your English writing skills are intermediate, your English comprehension skills are not. You did not accurately understand the original instructions, which is why you made a mistake in your discussion process. This is proof that your level of English understanding skills are not yet of university level.