dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Thank you all for the helpful and useful comments. I do learn a lot that I could not gain by reading/writing alone.  
Following please find the updated essay, appreciate and looking forward to your further review.  
  
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Getting married before finishing studies and getting a decent job is usually considered as foolish. However, I disagree with the notion, in my opinion, a couple can gain benefits that cannot be obtained by a single man/woman. The essay will discuss the increasing responsibility and great support from partner as the advantage of marriage.  
  
It is usually true that students depend on parents financially due to lack of good income source, but this should not be an issue for getting married. A marriage is more about live together happily instead of money. As student, the two people have a lot of time to stay together, share important events and build common interests, all these will contribute to a good and happy relationship.  
  
Moreover, getting married means the two people will take responsibility for each other and behave differently from before. Such change will get the couple to think and plan their future life and career more carefully, they can get mature during the process. And it is obvious nice having a partner to study and discuss questions together, that can boost the efficiency of studying. Lastly, when there are difficult situations, it will be extremely helpful to have a partner to encourage you and support you.  
  
In conclusion, getting married in college stage should be supported, considering the benefits and advantages a couple can get from it.
Ethan, please try to avoid rewriting the essay after you have been scored on it. You will not have a chance to submit a new essay once you have written one in the actual exam setting. The score for that will be final. No do-overs. So the same should apply to your practice tests. Once you fail in it, you fail. It should not be scored again because that will already be a fake score. Fake because you improved the essay based upon improvements suggested. You do not have that opportunity in the actual test. So, to help you, I will not score this test anymore because it is based upon the corrections that I suggested. What you have to do is this, take the lessons you learned from your mistakes in this essay and apply them to your future tests. You cannot keep writing the essay twice like I said because you do not have a chance to do that in the actual test. The practice test is meant to help you prepare for the actual exam setting. Therefore, the score you got for this practice test is final. Make sure to apply the lessons you learned from the mistakes in this essay in your next practice test.  
  
The one thing that I will offer a correction on is the second sentence in your first paragraph. You made a statement by saying "I disagree with the notion" so it ends with a period. The next word should have been capitalized. That is a grammar issue that you should be conscious of.
## The process of plastic production is illustrated in the given diagram.

  
  
The plastic production process is started when the raw materials are loaded from the oil refinery to the plant. Afterwards, the materials will be stored into a large container before being mechanically sent to a high pressure, long molecules of plastic are finally formed. The next step is that the plastic granules will be funneled to an injection moulder which is used to melt the plastic and force it into required moulds.  
  
The hardened products will be carefully observed and inspected by the quality experts after the products are released from the moulder. Before being packaged in the a storehouse, if the products pass the inspection, they will be placed orderly on the conveyor belt to the package stage while the defected ones or wasted materials will be discarded. The complete stage is described when finished products can be packed into boxes and stored in the storehouse, ending the process of plastic production.  
  
In conclusion, the plastic production process is relatively complicated with the aid of machinery, illustrating the major stages in plastic production.
Minh, where is the diagram and instructions for this task? It will be difficult for me to offer you the correct reviews and revisions, or point for improvement if I do not know what your instructions are and what the diagram looked like for this task. I suggest that you upload both to this thread as soon as you can so that I can get a better idea as to how I can help you improve your writing skills. Good work though on writing more than 150 words. However, your conclusion is too short and does not meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement meant to help you properly close the essay. You will lose points for that in the actual test. In the meantime, I will wait for the diagram so that I can better review the content of the first two paragraphs for you. Please post the instructions and the diagram as soon as a you can. Thank you.
***Hi Minh**, welcome to Essay Forum which is one of the best sites for improving your ability. I know this is a first time you join here. When you upload your writing, please you attach your picture as well because it can help readers to understand yours. I have searched your diagram, but I have not found so that I cannot give feedback more.  
  
Firstly, you need improvement for your systematical writing. In the first paragraph, it is supposed to contain a paraphrase of question and overview. As we have seen, you directly explained detailed information. Indeed, you have the overview, but you place it in the last paragraph. It doesn't matter, but you have to remember that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Besides that, you are expected to fight the time because you only have time for 20 minutes for finishing this. To play safely. you should locate the overview in the first paragraph.  
  
Following that, you need making improvement in your flow. Harnessing proper linking words is the good way to make your flow smoother. I really believe you can master this section on condition that you wanna practice more and more  
  
Happy writing  
GOOD LUCK*
Hi! I am practicing on IELTS and I got this prompt:  
The prompt says: **the quality of life in large cities is decreasing.What could be the reasons behind this?What measures can be taken to resolve this problem.**  
  
## Reasons and possible solutions to make a life better

  
  
In the complex, industrial society nowadays, the quality of life in large cities is decreasing, making it a major problem to be dealt with. There are some underlying reasons that will be discussed in this essay and I will put forward some solution to tackle this situation.  
  
Unemployment is the main reason behind this problem. Living in large cities, people always want to walk into a job. However, with an amount of numerous people, raising every year, securing a job is not easily. Therefore, an increasing number of those who is jobless daily transpire. People who have no career have to face a financial problem so their living's standard diminishes. Find decent accommodation with the small budget is difficult. They are not able to pay the rent which is much higher than countryside so they must live in tight and bad condition houses. It also enables them to eat the mass production of food with doubt resources which can have a bad impact on people's health. One can commit a crime if they have no money because they have to meet their basic needs. Not only those stuff but also they can't afford anything which gains to maximum the price.  
  
There are so many ways to solve the problem of the quality of life in large cities is decreasing. One solution is that governments should pay attention to decentralize the jobs. They should build and invest in industry factories everywhere including countryside. If people seek an employment, have good working and the spectacular salary package, they won't move to large cities anymore. Not only does it solve that drawback but also it reduces the migration in bigger cities, which is increasing every year because of the lack of job in smaller town. It will improve people's living standard and relive stress about unemployment. Also, it reaches the balance between smaller town and big cities.  
  
In conclusion, unemployment is the main reason that reduces the quality of life in large cities. However, these problems are solvable to a great extent. Governments just need to decentralize the jobs.
To, you are becoming sloppy with your paraphrasing. You did not even bother to try and paraphrase the prompt discussion. You merely cut and paste the central theme in your opening statement. That is unacceptable and will result in a low to failing task accuracy score. Why did you not even try to change the presentation? You obviously understood the prompt because you were able to discuss the relevant topics properly, although with a number of grammar problems, so you had the ability to easily paraphrase the prompt for discussion if you wished to. I am disappointed that you did not even try do that. While you could possible score a 5 overall in the essay as far as I am concerned, I am not sure how an actual examiner would score you due to the plagiarism involved in your opening statement. You would probably get a score within a 4-5, depending upon the more intricate details that the examiners use in scoring essays.
## Cement and Concrete Production

 Writing IELTS Task 1  
  
The diagrams show the process of producing cement and making concrete which is raw material from cement for building purpose.  
  
The first step of cement production is passing limestone and clay through a crusher that produces a powder. The powder is moved into the mixer. After mixing process, the product pass into rotating heater which is rotated with heat. The mixture goes out from rotating heater then pass into the grinder. The last process of the mixture, that is called the cement, is packed into bags.  
  
The process of concrete production begins composite from cement (15%), water (10%), sand (25%), and gravel. The gravel is small stones, which is the amount of a half from total materials. The mixture material passes into a concrete mixer, then rotated so that all mixed into one.  
  
As mention above, the process of cement takes longer than concrete. Cement production requires heat in the process. Meanwhile, the production of concrete requires cement and other materials.  
  
*
Hey Anabel!  
  
The diagram shows the processes and the equipment involved in the manufacture of cement and concrete, which is used for building purposes.  
  
Cement production begins with the crushing of raw materials such as ............ into a powder form and passing it to a mixer. Afterwards, the mixture is passed to a rotating heater which provides a constant supply of heat while continuing the mixing process. The end product is converted into a fine powder form using a grinder and the cement is packed into bags.  
  
The production of concrete involves the use of cement....... ( Write their proportions as well). The components are all added to a concrete mixer which is continuously rotated to form concrete.  
  
Concrete production differs from Cement in that it utilizes water in the manufacture process. Heat is only utilized for cement production. While cement is packed in powder form into bags, concrete is a semi solid mixture which in continuously rotated in the mixer.  
  
Hope I was of help!!  
Good Luck :)
Anabel, the first paragraph does not completely give an overview of the cement and concrete making process. The outline is incomplete because the points of comparison, which are required by the prompt, are not clearly represented in the overview. You have to expand the summary information by at least 2 - 4 more sentences.  
  
There is a redundancy or repetition in the second paragraph. When you say " the product passes through the rotating heater", there is no reason to repeat the words "rotated with heat" in the sentence. That is a redundancy or a method by which you say the same thing twice. That will lessen your GA score so avoid doing that.  
  
Finally, since you are discussing a diagram. You can either discuss the diagram as something that is currently happening and use the present tense descriptions. Or, you can pretend it already happened and use the past tense descriptors. You cannot mix the two time lines in the essay. Pick one time line to discuss and use the appropriate presentation for it.
***Hi Anabel***, I have read this closely. I have found a few things which you correct.  
Firstly, I have read your overview. It doesn't matter if you wanna the overview in the last paragraph because there is not a rule about that. However, as we know that the overview is one of crucial points, I suggest you place it in the first paragraph after outcomes of paraphrasing the question/statement. Keep in your mind that you will fight the time if you should play safely. Besides that, your first paragraph has not described the good paragraph. You have to remember that you are supposed to write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph.  
  
cement production is passing limestone and clay through  
I suggest you deliver proper word to explain what you mind. I think you should write **"limestone and clay are blended in a crusher"**. If you fail in picking the proper words, you will miss getting the high score in both indicators (lexical resource and coherence and cohesion). Actually, there were a few words which can not illustrate what you mind well. Following this, please you avoid repetition. It can reduce your score as well.  
  
You need making its flow smoother. Harnessing the transition word is the good way to guide readers to understanding your writing. I believe you can master this matter on condition that you wanna need more time for reading examples of writing task 1.  
  
Practice more and more is its key.  
GOOD LUCK
TOPIC: **Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?**  
  
## Every job for every one?

  
  
It's true that men are clearly better than women in some spheres and conversely women seem to be a lot more talented than males in particular areas. However, in my point of view, this cannot be a reason to assign jobs to only one gender group.  
  
First of all, members of one gender can be more qualified for a job than those of the other sex in a broader sense, but in this flexible world we can encounter extraordinary exceptions. For example, politics is usually deemed to be male-dominated area, but the current leader of the German government represents the other gender. If working in management roles were prohibited for females, the women's natural flair for politics would have been left buried deep in her heart.  
  
Secondly, the proportion of male and female workers in some jobs is not so huge (like 40 to 60 percent). And ,surely, one gender group seems to be more suitable for the profession due to their natural features. But if the members of the other sex didn't work in this field, the demand for this kind of personnel might not be met causing the wages to accrue and the businesses to suffer.  
  
Furthermore, banning people having a career in a particular field may sometimes terminate their burning desire and interest to work and succeed in that sphere. Considering that hard work and a strong wish can beat talent, blocking their way because the job is more efficiently done by representatives of the other gender wouldn't be a plausible option. As a result, society may lose a great prospect in that person.  
  
In conclusion, people have very distinctive sentiments about the never-ending debate on whether or not people should be excluded from a job because of their gender and its more problematic sides are yet to be discovered. But, for me, specifying jobs for a particular gender may not be such a fabulous idea in that it can affect the labour market and some really talented individuals of an 'unsuitable' gender will have no chance fulfilling their potential in a prohibited area.
Hi!  
  
I think it's a pretty good essay. Just check out for grammatical errors.  
The content is perfect. You've included valid arguments with scenarios in favor of these points.  
  
You could maybe include points like-  
Even though men and women have their own strengths and weaknesses by virtue of the sexual orientation, it is impossible to make generalization for the entire group. At the end of the day, it should be the skill, knowledge the qualification of an individual that determines his/her appropriateness for a job.  
  
Every individual in the present era deserves equal opportunities. That is not something that needs to be given, it is their right!  
  
Good Luck:)
Shoruh, while your overall essay presents some pretty valid and strong arguments, the opening statement of your essay is wanting in information and task accuracy response. The introduction to the topic does not follow the minimum 3 sentence requirement and does not accurately portray the discussion in question. There should have been a sentence that clearly depicts the discussion as being about the fact that men and women have commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Then add that there are some sectors that believe that due to these differences, it would be right to exclude certain genders from specific lines of work. Then, and only then, should you have given your opinion. That way, the topic outline for discussion would have been clearly depicted within your opening statement and prepared the reader for the discussion to come.  
  
When you write these essays, it would be best to use as many of keywords as possible within so that you can prove that you have the lexical ability to understand the meaning of the words in the original statement and also, use the term in the proper context within your own presentation. By the way, when you say "prohibited for females", that is a plural representation so the last part of the sentence should have been "in their hearts".
Hi Shohruh, I have read your essay closely. There are a few parts which I will try finalizing. Hopefully, you can find my notes to be suggestions when you write in the next term.  
  
Firstly, I wanna remind you that you should write at least 3 sentences in the paragraph. It can be a point of an indicator "coherence and cohesion". One of the ways to get the higher score is impressing the examiner in the first paragraph. Actually, you can simple your first paragraph and make your flow more smoother.  
  
It's true that men are clearly better than women in some spheres and conversely women seem to be a lot more talented than males in particular areas  
It is (*Avoid using a contraction in the formal writing*) true that men are clearly better than women in some of particular fieldworks. On the other hand, we should admit that females seem to be a lot more talented than males for other areas.  
  
a reason to assign jobs to only one gender group.  
Pay attention to meaning. Please, you reread your sentences to ensure that what you write is what mind.  
.**...a reason to assign several parts of jobs for the specific genre.**  
  
the proportion of male and female workers  
**difference for the proportion of male**.... *Please, concentrate on the meaning.*  
  
It's  
didn't work  
Avoid writing contractions in the essay.  
  
Furthermore, banning people having a career in a particular field may sometimes terminate their burning desire and interest to work and succeed in that sphere  
You tended to explain effects of clustering the jobs. Your score will be reduced if you do not follow the prompts given because those ask you to review your reason why the statement is wrong in your mind.  
  
Hopefully, these can enhance your skill.  
Practice more and more is the key to master this section  
GOOD LUCK
@DoctorWho  
Thanks for your comment, friend. I really appreciate your advice.  
  
@akbarmappiare I have recenly registered for my exam and before i wasn't familiar with Ielts. It is the first essay in my IELTS self-preparation.Actually I did not know that the first paragraph should include at least 3 sentences, which will care from now on.  
  
Avoiding contractions was also a good suggestion. Hope your recommendations will ameliorate my writing skills. Big thanks!  
  
@Holt When I wrote in her heart I actually referred to the word leader. Is this somehow confusing?Anaway thanks for the expertise you shared with me. I will definitely follow your suggestions in the future.
It was confusing because you did not refer to the German Chancellor until the next paragraph. If you want to use a term to describe a person's character or ability, you will need to present that information within the paragraph that discusses that person. Depending the time that is allotted for the development of your essay discussion, it might be good for you to first outline your topics for discussion so that you will be able to follow a cohesive flow of information presentation. A simple outline will suffice. It is just a reference for you to use while writing your essays so that you will not accidentally mix up your presentation as you accidentally did with this essay. Eventually, you will learn how to outline the essay mentally and you will be able to write without referring to your written outline list.
I am not sure what you mean by "Like job for everyone". Would you mind completing the reference for me? I need to be clear about what you are asking me before I can respond properly to your question. In reference to why you cannot edit your original thread anymore, that is because the threads have a time limit within which you can edit your original content. If you want to make any changes after the deadline passes, you have to post a new message in the same thread. That is the only way you can revise your essay for our review. So I suggest that you revise the essay and then post it in this thread as a new version. In return, we will continue to review the thread with you until you get it right. As of now, we can only offer you advice regarding the original essay because you have not posted a revised version yet.
Your outline should be based upon the prompt requirements. So the prompt requirement is for you to discuss whether men and women should be excluded from certain jobs due to gender. The outline of the discussion should go something like this:  
  
I. Prompt summary  
a. Paraphrasing prompt  
b. Present both sides  
c. Present personal opinion  
  
II. Present Side A  
a. Public opinion  
b. Justification  
c. Example  
  
III. Present Side B  
a. Public opinion  
b. Justification  
c. Example  
  
IV. Present Personal Opinion  
a. Opinion  
b. Justification  
c. Example  
  
V. Conclusion  
a. Present new paraphrased prompt  
b. Present both sides in summary form  
c. Present personal opinion summary  
d. Closing sentence
Hi..  
I would like give you the suggestion for improving your essay  
  
First of all, members of one gender can be more qualified for a job than those of the other sex in a broader sense, but in this flexible ~~world~~ (world,) we can encounter extraordinary exceptions. For example, politics is usually deemed to be ~~male-dominated~~ (a male-dominated) area  
  
It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase in this flexible world. Consider adding a comma.  
The noun phrase male-dominated area seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.  
  
Thank you