dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@thaithu  
Hi, there. I would like to give you some feedback about your writing.😁😁  
  
Your writing task 2 is well-structured, (including introduction, 2 body paragraphs and summary) and you used plenty of academic vocabularies which may help you to get a better score.  
  
However, here I would like to point out that from your writing, I could not see any ideas which talking about "how far color influence people's health and capacity for work", from your paragraph, you just mentioned about color scheme when decorating places such as hospital or school.  
  
Be aware of that in writing task 2, you should "answer" all the questions from the task and give your ideas and any further explanations. Otherwise, you may lose your band score cause of some parts of the task are not fully covered.  
  
Hope my advice would help your future writing.😁😁
## kids choices issue

  
  
Some people think that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matters such as food, clothes and entertainment is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decision about matters that affect them. Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
There is a widely held perception in many parts of the world today that allowing children to make their own decisions regarding the mundane tasks will eventually result in a society where individuals are selfish. However, some people also opine that it is paramount that children make their own decision in matters that affects them. The issue of whether children should be allowed to make their own decisions or not is certainly a contentious one. In the following essay, I will discuss both these views and come to a conclusion.  
  
First of all, for a person to become independent and confident, it is significant that the decision making skills are instilled in them since a young age. For example, a child who plans to study abroad in the future will face problems if he/she is dependent on his/her family even for quotidian matters likes food, clothing etc. However, if children are allowed a say in the decisions that affect them, it will make them more strong and self-assured.  
  
Nevertheless, if parents provide too much freedom of choice to children, it might spoil them. They might grow up to become self-centred adults and might refuse to acknowledge anyone else's wish. It is generally seen that when children are not monitored when they are young, they turn out to be rebellious teenagers.  
  
By way of conclusion, I reaffirm my position that children should indeed be allowed to make decisions but parents must monitor these choices and help to inculcate modest values in them. A balance must be there to make sure that we are not creating a selfish society.
@prachirai  
Hi, there. I would like to give you some feedback about your writing.😁😁  
  
Your writing is well-structured which including introduction, 2 body paragraphs and conclusion.  
And you talked about both views and gave your own opinion in the end which fully answered the task.  
  
However, I would like to point out that some words are not appropriate for the academic writing. For example, you should not write "etc", instead, you should write " and so on" in academic writing.  
  
Furthermore, I found out that in your writing, you rarely use linking words between sentences. I just found out that you used "However" twice and "Nevertheless" once in total 4 paragraphs. If you can utilize linking words properly, your writing will be more coherent.  
  
Hope my advice could help.😁😁
*May you help me to correct my essay and give me some advice, thanks a lot! <3*  
  
## educated but unemployed...

  
  
Question :**In many countries more and more young people are leaving school but unable to find jobs. What problems do you think youth unemployment causes for individuals and the society? What measures should be taken to reduce the level of unemployment among youngsters?**  
  
Hardly can anyone deny the increasing popularity of unemployment of young people in recent years. This essay aims at why to mention impacts and measures to reduce the level of unemployment.  
  
On the one hand, there are a wide range of impacts from the unemployment of youngster, one of which is that unemployment has negative influence on personal finance. In other words, because people do not have jobs, they do not have money. As a result, people can not fulfil their demands. Also, unemployment is the reason why many social issues appear. To be more specific, when the young are unemployed, they tend to break the law to have a lot of money for their demands. This can lead to the fact that society is unsafe. For example, many people in Africa tend to break the law because they do not have jobs.  
  
On the other hand, there are many solutions which decrease the level of unemployment. First, people should educate youth how to work when they are studying in schools. in other words, if pupils study how to work after they graduate. Besides, governments should use more media. to be more specific, media approaches everyone, including the young. This may result in the fact that youngsters get many opportunities to provide more information about jobs.  
  
In conclusion, the problem of unemployment are unemployment has a negative influence on personal finance and unemployment is also the reason why many social issues appear. however, Strong measures such as educating and using media to provide information about jobs could be applied to tackle the situation.
*Can you help me to correct my essay and give me some advice, thanks a lot! <3*  
  
## advertising for certain food products

  
  
***Research has shown that overeating is as harmful as smoking. Therefore, the advertising of certain food products should be banned in the same way as the advertising of cigarettes is banned. Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Over the past decades, food advertisement has rarely failed to draw public attention and provoke debates. Some people assert that overconsumption and overweight are the adverse consequences of advertising whilst the other hold their view that these issues are owing to the consumers' imbalanced lifestyle. From my perspective, product commercials is of no relevance to the detrimental overeating phenomenon.  
  
Firstly, it is important to recognize that people should take the highest resonsibility for what they eat. To be more specific, advertisement does actually play the role of motivating and encouraging the clients to utilize the products. Nonetheless, it is never compulsory and mandatory for customers to purchase them. As an illustration, notwithstanding realizing the physically harmful effects and addictive substances in milktea, people tend to drink it more and more or even consider it as a daily habit.  
  
Secondly, it is equally important to recognize that commercials is an irreplaceable and undeniable step in company's sale in particular and economic growth in general. Undoubtedly, imposing restriction on some certain food will create an unfair competitive advantage for other rival firms. Furthermore, a variety of advertisement for numberous food alternatives in different means of communication can develop the country economy steadily.  
  
All things considered, under no circumstances should governmental ban or prohibition on advertising for some particular food products is publicly and widely accepted or supported. Likewise, it is essential that we organize a daily strictly healthy and balanced eating and exercising habit ourselves instead of accusing advertisement of our own diseases.
Hey! I'll first go through a proofreading edit for you. I'd recommend you work primarily on your grammer, sentence structure and word choices as I can see it affecting your score.  
  
*Over the past couple of decades, ... and ~~provoke~~ promote/instigate debates.*  
Additionally, I'd recommend you refrain from such vague assertions since not all food advertisement is controversial. Maybe it's a personal belief though so do make sure you don't subdue your voice too much either.  
  
*... and ~~overweight~~ obesity are the adverse ... whilst ~~the~~ other**s** hold ~~their~~ the view ... are ~~owing~~ due to ~~the~~ consumers' imbalanced lifestyle**s**. ... commercials ~~is~~ are of no relevance ...*  
  
Good consideration both perspectives and statement of your own perspective. Indicates a clear structure that the essay could **follow**. It'd have been favourable if you considered both perspectives (that you mentioned in this paragraph) in your essay, elaborating upon arguments on either sade.Your essay right now pertains to a single side and hence fails to show sufficient width of knowledge, use of knowledge and perspective on the issue.  
  
*... the highest **resonsibility** (proofread) ...*  
~~Nonetheless, it is never compulsory and mandatory~~  for customers ... Don't unnecessarily repeat words. Adding "and mandatory" here brings nothing of value to the statement while eating away at your word limit.  
  
*..., notwithstanding ~~realizing~~ the physically ... to drink it ~~more and ... a daily habit~~ so much ...*  
  
I appreciate your attempts at using new vocabulary. That shows to the examiner that you're attempting to push yourself. However, make sure you're aware of the form and context in which words are used. 'Notwithstanding' here is equivalent to 'regardless of' and hence should be used as such.  
  
*... company's sale**s** in particular and **for** economic ...  
restriction**s** on ~~some~~  certain food **commercials** will create ...*  
  
I disagree with the point since it's likely that all firms in an industry will be faced with the same ban, right? I don't think firms across industries will benefit specifically because of a ban on companies' advertising campaigns that're not even their direct competitors  
  
*... develop the country**'s** economy steadily.*  
Firstly, there are a lot of grammatical errors so please read this sentence properly. However, it's so close to an amazing point. You suggest that advertising can be used to promote a lot of foodstuffs. Well,then it can be used for healthy alternatives as well which could help people lose weight rather than gain it (e.g. cornflakes, eggs, oats etc.)  
  
*All things considered, under no ...* I don't think your essay makes the argument for the bans not being supported. It makes the argument for the bans being unfavourable/wrong. It doesn't necessarily mean that they won't be supported.  
  
*... that we ~~organize a daily ... habit~~ establish a habit of eating healthy and exercising daily ourselves instead of accusing advertisement ~~of~~  for our ~~own~~ ~~diseases~~ shortcomings.*
Most people are not interested in how their food has been produced. They only care about how much it costs. How true is this statement? What influences people when they buy food?  
  
Food is an indispensable part in human's life. In this 21th century, market for food has grown up significantly. People can easily find various kinds of food that is sold along the street or in the supermarket. In my opinion, cost is just one of the factors but not the priority when people choose food.  
  
For some people with medium or low earning, they would rather choose the cheaper one with low quality. In particular, some students who have yet to be able to earn money and still receive scanty money from their parents tend to mind how much food cost. Some multiple generations family that struggle with finances are likely to be mindful of their budget. General, being on a tight budget makes a great deal of people just focus on the cheap ones. Some are so busy, whether they are students or workers. In a day, they have 8-10 hours for working and studying. As a result, they prefer to buy food in street vendor or food stall which are faster to get than make it byself. Since that, the process of how the food is made is not being their concern. But there are others don't care about the money, they also care about their health. Therefore, they will choose good, quality food, verified origin with a higher price. Food in farm is thought to be cleaner than in factories, or organic food is said to be better than chemical one.  
  
Despite price and the origin, there are many factors that affect people when buy food. What food they choose depends on their health. Some never eat shrimp or chicken. Some prefer bitter food or sweet food. This mostly relies on their taste. What other say about it is also important. Before buying something, they often hear other opinion about its taste or its quality. Brand is one factor, too. People prefer a popular one than the non-branded.  
  
In conclusion, it seems that price is not the only matter when choosing food. Although some people look at price first, it takes others a considerable amount of money on food in order to satisfy their needs and beliefs.
@YunSoo  
  
welcome to the forum.  
  
I wish to share some thoughts on your essay.  
  
I think that you have a good essay with great ideas.  
  
I feel that your essay partially answered the statement.Therefore, Firstly, your first lines has given basic information/background the topic which is good, however, i do not feel that the second and third lines are efficient in introducing your writing. I suggest in your introduction focus on answering the question and give your points/ideas what influences people to buy food , such as, Costs, budgets type, diet , food choice and origin. Further, elaborate in your discussion these points in a well organize way and why you think that these factors are affecting people choices of food not related to the cost.  
  
Finally in conclusion summarize your discussion for all your points. Do not add more points /ideas or details..  
  
I hope these comments will help you improve your writing..
Hi all, grateful for your comments if my letter is clear enough and the tone is right for a letter with friend?  
  
=========  
You are going to another country to study. You would like to do a part-time job while you are studying, so you want to ask a friend who lives there for some help.  
  
## *Write a letter to your friend. In your letter*

  
**- give details of your study plans  
- explain why you want to get a part-time job  
- suggest how your friend could help you find a job**  
*You should write at least 150 words.*  
===========  
  
Hi Jack,  
  
Greetings from Germany! How's it going recently? I am checking in with you to see if you might be able to help me to find a part-time job during my upcoming study in the UK.  
  
I am going to pursue my master degree in London for a year, starting from the coming September, like the plan I mentioned in our last conversation. Yet, I am not fortunate enough to be awarded by the university scholarship, so that I have to source my own fund to pay for the tuition and to support my living. Due to the exchange rate fluctuation, I find out that I should have prepared more savings than I expected.  
  
In this way, I am trying to seek your assistance if you could suggest me some ways and introduce me to find a part-time job during my study period. I would like to get a job from clothing sales industry as I have experiences here in Germany and the working schedule is relatively flexible to fit in my class schedule.  
  
Looking forward to your good news soon! Keep in touch!  
  
Best,  
Chris  
(187 words)
@plforielts  
Hi there. Thanks for your continuous approach towards the site - and I hope that the feedback you receive will somewhat help you in your learning endeavors. Don't hesitate to approach if you have any other additional questions!  
  
Your way of writing is extremely commendable already. Albeit a bit edgy at times because of the lack of organic flow in the text, it was still quite beautifully written. Keep this up! However, I do suggest that you work a bit more on enhancing the reasoning that you use in your writing by packaging your phrasing more delicately. For instance, there was really no need for you to mention that the "currency exchange fluctuation" due to the fact that it's irrelevant for the writing.  
  
Being more specific tremendously helps also. Instead of mentioning vaguely that you have experiences already, try to be specific of its duration, what you did, and how long you worked in your previous jobs. Doing this will help tailor-fit your writing a lot more to be more concise in the direction and purpose.
Dear all,  
Thank you for checking my essay!  
Best,  
Laabobe  
  
**Question:**  
Wealthy nations should assist poorer countries with humanitarian relief during natural disasters.  
Do you agree and disagree?  
  
## poor nations should be assisted by rich

  
  
**Answer:**  
Due to the humanitarian consideration, those well-off countries should have obligation to help poor nations in order to walk through the dilemma of natural disasters. This essay agrees with this statement because the first aid is not developed well to save the people's lives and the financial condition is weak to rebuild in poor countries.  
  
Poor nations do not have enough resources to save people who are suffering in natural disasters. It is clear that emergency service is utmost essential towards natural disasters and the golden time of saving victims is just 3 days. If wealthy countries come and give a helping hands to poor nations, it can speed up the time of searching the missing which increase the survival rate. Moreover, the injured patients can also receive proper treatments to avoid further viral infection which may cause a big outbreak of serious diseases in that region. For example, the earthquake happened in China in 2008 caused thousands of people death. With the help of other countries, first aiders and immediate food packages had been sent and saved a lot of people's lives.  
  
Rebuilding the countries is impossible with insufficient financial reserve. Many infrastructures are collapsed during the tragedy inevitably, they are needed to be reconstructed as soon as possible so as to resume residents' normal living and to increase the productivity of the countries. Without any help of developed countries, the poor one can only rebuild the country in an extremely slow speed and suffering continues even though citizens are physically recovered. For instance, South Korea donates and helps the government of Cambodia in protecting and fixing their heritage sites as they are too poor to do so.  
  
In conclusion, poor nations should be assisted by rich countries regarding the humanitarian relief so that massive death can be avoided and reconstruction of the countries can also be facilitated during natural disasters.
Hi  
  
I would like to share my insight to your writing  
  
Firstly you have a well written essay with strong ideas, however, some thing i think can improve your writing are;  
  
In your introduction i suggest you give a sense of direction from your own perspectives on why rich countries should aid in natural disasters and followed by the reasons you have stated.  
  
Secondly, its always best to connect smoothly your body discussion with your introduction so that reader can follow more easily, For example, in the first line of your second paragraph your thesis statement would be like First Aid is not developed well.... then support your statement with poor countries .. resources to save people..  
  
and once your given your example reiterate with the reasons on you thesis statement to give a strong complete idea on you stance to agree.  
  
thirdly i suggest start off with financial capabilities of poor and rich country before elaborate on the insufficient finance of poor countries that needs their assistance with examples to validate your standing on the issue and it will give some sense of complete view of both rich and poor countries ability of recovery, however focus more on poor country with your supporting statement.  
  
Finally your last examples needs a supporting statement to sum up why rich countries are more capable to help poor country this will make your idea developed and strong to the readers.  
  
I hope this comments will improve your essay.
@laabobe  
Hello, Laabobe. Welcome here! We hope that the feedback you will receive will somehow help you learn something from the forum.  
  
Firstly, be cautious of the form of words you are using. It doesn't matter which type of word it is - the appropriate word should fit like a glove in the writing. The more exposed you are to a native speaker's language and type of writing, the better you will be at spotting these sorts of mistakes. For the get-go, it was clear that the first paragraph had a couple of lapses in it. The first sentence, for instance, needed to omit "those" in there. You haven't discussed anything yet since it's the thesis statement, hence there's nothing to point at to make it appropriate to use that word.  
  
Cut dragging sentences into shorter and more concise ones to help you with writing. If we take a look at the third paragraph's second sentence, it is clear that you had a tendency to over-extend your utterances instead of sticking with a basic format. Be mindful of this when you can. Even in the conclusive remarks, the same issue was also prominent.
## how to become a good members of society?

  
  
*Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.Write at least 250 words*  
  
In the era of modernization, There remains a heated argument among people about the role of parents and schools in the children's development. Whilst some people subscribe to the view that parents should play an immensely vital role in the act of becoming a well-educated children, others argue that school bear responsibility for kids' development. This essay will discuss both views in detail and I personally believe both sides of this debate are equally important.  
  
On the one hand, it is an irrefutable fact that parent greatly contributes to the upbringing of a child. Chief among the reasons is that children tend to mimic anything adults, especially their parents to demonstrate to them. According to developmental psychologists, kids intrinsically learn by imitating full-grown person. Provided that parents hold the elderly in high esteem, behave kindly and assist in other people,... kids will model themselves on their parents and act in accordance with them. One contributing factor is that children have a tendency of listening to parents more than other people in an early age. Hence, parents are the first teacher to shape children into good members of society.  
  
On the other hand, school brings not only memorable experiences but also hardships for kids. Attending school is an excellent way for them to discover a wealth of novel things and meet other children with the same age. Thus, children stand a golden chance of developing interpersonal skills such as communication skills, leadership skills, conflict resolution, team building,...Additionally, school is preferred as a miniature society, which creates an opportunity for children to know how to encounter a bit challenges in their better future. Besides, children also acquire a myriad of useful knowledge and are supported zealously by their teachers.  
  
By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that there is of magnitude that both homes and schools have an equal meaning in children's behaviors. Parents and schools should combine to provide a complete education to kids, which is a key to become well-rounded citizens. (334 words)
Hi  
I would like to share my insights on you writing  
  
Firstly, you have structure,organize and answer the question well. Some points on improving your writing  
In the first paragraph, i suggest be specific to your supporting statement. For example. Children mimic anything adults..what?? This gives a sense of completeness to your point.  
  
Secondly reiterate your citation with why you think this finding is relevent to your point of argument.  
  
In the third paragraph give examples to strengthen your point and briefly summarise your points linking to your final conclusion.  
  
I hope these comments helps you in your writing.