dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Jesse, your essay is heavy on theory, but lacking in examples and additional information that will support the data that you are presenting. For instance, in the opening paragraph, you indicate that gay marriage has existed since ancient times. However, you do not offer any factual evidence to back up this claim. Where did you get this information? What makes you think that this sort of marriage existed in ancient times? Was it a marriage that was recognized by society and the government at that time? If yes, what changed so that society not considers such unions taboo? If you want to create a more interesting opening statement for your essay, you have to consider enhancing the opening statement by answering a few, if not all of the questions I posed above. By the way, your essay does not have a clear thesis statement represented at the end. What exactly will be discussed in this essay and why is it important that I consider the arguments you are presenting that cover a vast array of discussion topics?  
  
Your essay should present researched data regarding a comparison rate of successful heterosexual and same sex marriages. In order for me to believe the information you are presenting, you should also convince me that same sex marriages have a higher rate of failure than the normal married couples. This is the part of your essay that is extremely weak. There are so many parts of this essay that require percentage data such as the rate of HIV among same sex couples, the number of monogamous same sex couples, the number of same sex couples in the work place that cause problems for the company and the reasons why this causes problems, and a number of other sections. Let's put it this way, for every sub topic you present, you need to present numerical figures along with your theoretical presentations in order to make a convincing argument for your side of the debate. I find your conclusion to be acceptable and appropriate for the topic presented though. I do not see any reason to alter the content of that part of the essay.
## Charlestown population 1955/2015

  
  
The bar charts represent the weight measurements of individuals who lived in Charlestown in 1955 and 2015. The results were measured in percentage. It appears that an increasing number of people living in Charlestown suffers from obesity as time goes by, from 1955 to 2015 and this applies to people from all age categories.  
  
Based on the 1955 bar chart, most of people from all age categories are healthy as it indicates that, for example, over 60% of people from the age of 20 to 29 were able to maintain healthy weight. It was also noticeable that people who were between 30 and 49 years old were more likely to suffer from obesity. From the age of 50 to 69, the percentage of obese people decreased by half, from about 10 % to roughly 5%.  
  
As for the 2015 bar chart, it is obvious that the older one becomes, the more likely he will become obese. Only 1% of people aged 20 to 29 experienced this while approximately 60% of people from the oldest group were obese. The rate of obesity appears to increase progressively, from the age of 20 to 69. The youngest group was the most successful in keeping ideal weight as almost 70% of them were able to do so which was totally opposite to the oldest group. Nonetheless, the oldest group in both 1955 and 2015 had pretty high percentage of underweight people compared to other groups, around 40% and 10% respectively.  
  
* 
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Peter, let me start with showing you a more appropriate model summary overview for this essay. What you have provided is good, but not sufficient nor properly formatted:  
  
*Two separate charts have been supplied for comparison analysis. The information contained in these charts relate to the weight assessment of the people living in Charleston in 1995 and 2015. The participants came from the 20 to 69 age group. The weight was assessed in terms of percentage. The population was represented in terms of being underweight, ideal, overweight, and obese.*  
  
When you write these essays that have an age bracketing system present in the chart, you must use the specific ages instead of inferences such as "the youngest" and "the oldest" group. The information provided is essential to the analysis because it is assumed that the reader will not be able to see these charts and they will rely on your report for accuracy. Normally analysis essays are used in writing research papers so the reason for information accuracy is self explanatory.
Hi Peter, let me show what you are supposed to improve. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.  
Firstly, if you want to impress the examiner in the first paragraph, you should pick an interesting trend up to be written as an overview. For instance, "It is important to note that in both periods, elderly people aged between 60 -69 years suffer most of disproportionate weight". After that, you avoid giving your opinion. *"most of people from all age categories are healthy as it indicates that"*. That sentence indicated that you offered the personal view. Be of careful of this because your job in this task is to describe and to compare the figures, not to conclude them. You could not conclude that if they have the ideal weight, they are healthy because many factors should be so met so that the condition happens.  
  
Following this, there tended to describe listing the data. You have to have a bravery to compare the figures. I only remain you that one of the essential prompts is comparing description.Hopefully, my suggestions can help you. GOOD LUCK for the next writing.
Write about the following topic .  
*Some people believe that is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school .  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages ?*  
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## benefits and disadvantages of second language for kids

  
  
There is no doubt that learning other languages is important . While some people believe we should start teaching foreign language at primary school , others think that it's not appropriate age for that, and they suggest that this learning process should wait until secondary school. In this essay I will discuss both sides of this argument and explain way I support the former statement.  
  
On the one hand , some people claim that studying foreign language at that young age will create a profound presser to student . This is because they are already learning not just their own language but also other essential materials , such as , math and science ,which is not easy to comprehend. If the school system burden them with learning another language, as a result , it might affect their learning ability to important subjects.  
  
On the other hand, I would argue that learning languages at a young age would be more successful approach. Studies shows that children brain are more capable to learn languages as it will be faster and easier for them ,furthermore, starting in young age will increase their chance to successes by giving them time to learn and to practice. As a solution to others concerns, Educators can develop methods to make learning journey not just efficient but also more enjoyable for children.  
  
In Conclusion , Although learning foreign language early in school might be challenging , but this is not insurmountable. In my opinion the benefits outweigh the disadvantages and school system should start teaching foreign language class at primary school.  
  
this is my first essay im aiming for band 7 so please give me your advice
Roba, contrary from what the above poster said, you MUST use the pronoun "I" in these discussions because these essays are personal opinion based. The evidence of the personal opinion can be seen in the format of the discussion question which is : *Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages ?* The presentation of the question asks for an indirect personal opinion. Ownership of the essay has to come from the author in a first person point of view. You cannot simply say that "the essay will discuss" because the essay will not write itself. Who is writing? Whose point of view is being depicted in the writing? These are part of the TA considerations that you will fail if you use a general statement instead of a writer specific statement.  
  
Having clarified that point, I have to tell you that you did not properly discuss the essay. The instruction for the discussion asks you to answer the question pose. Which means you have to present your point of view in a comparison format. You should not discuss both sides and then present your opinion. This is a personal opinion of both sides with the final paragraph giving your final verdict on the comparison. The format should be:  
  
Par. 1 - Paraphrase  
Par. 2 - POV 1  
Par. 3. - POV 2  
Par. 4 - Comparison of both points with a concluding decision based on your point of view  
Par. 5. Summary Conclusion  
  
Make sure your point of view is consistent throughout the essay. You used a general POV in paragraph 2 then suddenly presented a first person point of view in paragraph 3. Be weary of the way you format sentences. When you use a comma, the next word should still be in lower case instead of capital case. You made that mistake in your concluding presentation. Also, avoid extra long sentences in the conclusion. Use at least 3 sentences for stronger scoring consideration.  
  
Based on the work that you did in this essay, you could get a high score of 4. You should improve over time if you apply the advice that you will be receiving from the users and contributor of this forum.
TOPIC:- *Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other professions. Some people think this is justified while others think it as unfair. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.*  
  
## sport stars should not be overpaid

  
  
Nowadays, top performing sportsmen earn huge amount of money as compared to people in other professions. Some people consider it a rational approach. However, there are a few who think it is unjustifiable. This essay will discuss both the views in detail, followed by my opinion.  
  
Sports professionals with outstanding performance should be overpaid as it is a short-lived career which requires rigorous hard work as compared to other professions. This field demands a strict, disciplined life with extensive physical efforts, consistent practice, a fixed diet schedule to bring pride and glory to the country. Due to such tough requirements, people in this field have an average career span of 10-15 years. As sports professionals have limited tenure, they should be rewarded with high monetary gains to acknowledge their excellent performance.  
  
However, there are a few who think that top performing sportsmen and women should not have high salaries as it is a biased approach. They feel that there are other critical professions which are more valuable to the country as compared to the sports field. For example, the professions, like doctors, social worker, works for the betterment of the society. Their efforts not only help to reduce the social issues prevailing in the community, but they also contribute in providing a healthy environment. As a result, they significantly contribute to the growth of the country. Henceforth, their efforts should be equally recognized along with the sports professionals.  
  
In my opinion, although there are some logical reasons for huge earnings of the top performing players, people from other professions should also be equally appreciated in terms of lucrative monetary benefits for their outstanding contribution. As all the professions are critical in their own field and contributes to the overall development of the country.  
  
To conclude, sports people delivering excellent performance should not be overpaid in comparison to other professionals who make a significant contribution to the society.
Hi  
your essay is pretty good according to language use and discussion points  
but in my opinion if you bring some changes in style of arranging your paragraph while discussing about points that you get as discussion points it will be more better.  
  
and then your essay will get a high score.  
try to write this essay in this method  
overall four paragraphs  
introduction, two paragraph discussing your two sides of view about the prompt and a conclusion paragraph.  
in introduction: write a hook + transition + your opinion  
in first body paragraph: discuss one side with reasons and examples  
in next body paragraph: discuss the other side with reasons and examples  
and finally write conclusion paragraph.  
another point about this essay:  
every paragraph should contain 3-5 sentences.  
your conclusion is so short.
Chinky, your opening paraphrase was spot on. It was perfect in presentation. The method by which you restated the prompt was totally different from the original, and yet, you were able to keep the message of the prompt that you were provided. You can expect to get high marks within your TA scoring considerations for this type of work.  
  
You made a mistake in the opening sentence of the second paragraph though. You should have included a topic sentence at the beginning that made it clear that this was not yet your personal opinion but rather, the opinion of others. A simple reference to, *"Sports managers and athletic fans believe that the professional participants in this sports should be overpaid as..."* That way you signify that this is the first point of view, based on public opinion, that you are talking about. You did this successfully in the next paragraph. Another problem occurred when you wrote the personal opinion. You used an extremely long topic sentence instead of breaking it up into topic then discussion sentences. Remember, if you write less than 3 sentences, then the examiner will not consider it a complete paragraph and score you down in that portion of the test. The conclusion suffers from the same problem that can be rectified in the same manner.
@chinkybehl22  
  
hello, I have read your whole essay. as per my knowledge I have rearrange your essay to make it correct form as to writing format.  
  
Now-a-days, top performing sportsmen earn huge amount of money as compared to people in other professions. Some people consider it a rational approach. However, there others think that it is unjustifiable. This essay will discuss both the views in detail, followed by my opinion.  
  
Advocates of sportsmen believe that the high remuneration of talented sportsmen is rational. As such professionals lead a strict, disciplined life with extensive physical efforts, consistent practice, and a fixed diet schedule to bring pride and glory to the country. Due to such tough requirements, people in this field have a short-lived career. As sports professionals have limited tenure, they should be rewarded with high payment to acknowledge their excellent performance.  
  
However, some voices urge that brilliant sports person should not be overpaid as it is a biased approach. They feel that other critical professions, who are more valuable rather than the sports field. To illustrate, the professions, like doctors, and bureaucracy effort not only help to reduce the social issues prevailing in the community, but they also provide a healthy environment. Henceforth, their efforts should be equally recognized along with the sports professionals.  
  
In my opinion, the performance of top players is overvalued regardless the span of its benefits to people. Despite of having benefits of sport, I support that professionals such as social workers and engineers must be rewarded. They should also be appreciated in terms of lucrative monetary benefits for their outstanding contribution for the development.  
  
To conclude, there are convincing arguments both for and against sports stars' high salaries. It is commonly seen that others professionals are pioneer of modern world. In this regard, I think that the long-term contribution should be valued by rewarding them in terms money.  
  
if i made any mistake pls inform here, I m also learner here.  
  
HOPE IT WILL HELP YOU.  
  
keep writing :)
## generosity of british citizens measured

  
  
The bar chart compares the different age-groups proportion of donation in Britain in the years 1990 and 2010.  
  
Overall, we can see that more people donating to charities in 1990 than in 2010.The majority of these people were over 36-year-olds.  
  
In 1990, the 36-50 age-group received the highest figure on the graph, with almost 42% people made charitable donations. In the same year, the group aged 18-25 was accounted for the least proportion, with only 17%.By 2010, these figures had decreased to 35% and 7% respectively.The 26-35 aged-group also fallened down from 31% to 24% between 1990 and 2010.  
  
Almost 30% people who over 36-year-olds were donated to the charities. In 2010, the donation of proportion among the 51-65 age-group reached its peak at approximately 40%.The figure for people who over 65s was lower about 4% than this, but it was still a little more than the same age-group in 1990, at 32%.  
  
*
Ulica, having written only 154 words in this essay, you cannot expect to get a higher than barely passing score for your work. Aim to write around 200 words each time so that you can have a 4 paragraph essay which always results in a higher than average passing score. The best way to increase your word count is by expanding upon the important presentations in the essay. For instance, in this essay, you could have expanded the opening statement by presenting it this way:  
  
*Comparative bar charts were presented representing the donations made by various age groups in Britain. The information presented came from the years 1990 and 2010, offering a decade to decade comparison of the data. The data covered the age 18 to 65 groups which were divided into age brackets. The overall trend, seems to be that more people over the age of 36 donated to charities in 1990. In this essay, a summarized representation of the data will be presented with data comparisons presented where relevant.*  
  
There was similar data shared when you compare the age 50 to the age 51 group. The two groups both donated 35 % to charities. This was not reflected in your essay so the "comparisons where relevant" part of the prompt was not fulfilled, That presentation could have easily completed your 4th paragraph and increased your scoring considerations based on the increased word count.
*Hi Ulica,I have read your writing closely and it is actually a good job. However, you forgot a few essential elements in the writing task 1.Please,you meet my suggestions so that you can create the better writing in the next term.  
  
Firstly,it's better you merge your first and second paragraphs,so they can become the integrated unity. Besides, a good paragraph should have at leas three sentences. For your overview (the second paragraph), you successfully found an interesting trend in the table.  
  
Apart from that,you hardly get the higher score because you work safely. I meant that you only described more listing the data.If you want to meet the task achievement, you are supposed to tend doing comparisons of the figures.I only remember you that your job in the writing task is to compare the figures relevant. Following this, hopefully you can explore more information which found in the table because the number of your words is very close to the border of the requirement. I suggest you to write between 165 and180 words.Do not write so many because the quality is more important that the quantity.  
  
GOOD LUCK for your next writing.*
Hello, I'm aiming band 7 in writing. Please help to review, any suggestion will be helpful. Appreciate your help!  
*261 words.*  
  
**Fast-food companies should not be allowed to give away free toys with their food.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## fast foods Lure Kids with Toys

  
  
This is a common business model that some junk food restaurant owners promote their products with free toys in recent years. Some people argue that this strategy should be banned. In my opinion, I firmly agree with this statement because of following reasons.  
  
One reason is this policy can reduce obesity problems in society, especially for young generations. There are several articles point out that children are easy to gain more weight and develop an illness which should be happened in elder aging, compared to the past twenty years. This is a consequence of the artificial ingredients they obtained. Ending this marketing strategy can diminish the young people's craving for possessing hamburgers and toys at the same time, thus lower their opportunity to absorb the foods which contain less nutritious but high calories.  
  
Another reason is that prohibiting giving toys without charging with unhealthy meals can cut down the unnecessary waste for the environment. Since fast-food restaurant provides services at a fast pace, they have been intriguing some consumers to purchase junk food for saving time. For instance, some office workers who head to the KFC in the noon for efficiency. Playing is not their main purpose to walk into the store. It is a high possibility they tend to abandon the toy in the trash once they receive it. The kindness offers become meaningful and harmful to the environment.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that banning the promotion of selling convenience food with free toys can benefit the society and the environment by reducing the fatness issue and garbage.
Kay, you have set an admirable goal for yourself with regards to your desired score for the IELTS test. Unfortunately, this particular essay cannot score higher than a 4 within the given present scoring criteria because of a number of reasons. Let me break these reasons down for you per scoring consideration below.  
  
Task Accuracy - This is an extent essay. Therefore, the response to the prompt should include the terms strongly, partially, fully, or "to a certain extent". Your response should have been "I strongly agree with the statement because..." instead of "I firmly agree". Firmly does not provide a measurement of emotion and thus, cannot be used in this discussion. Additionally, your first sentence makes the presentation start in the middle of a paragraph by saying "This is a common business model" rather than at the beginning by presenting the topic for discussion first. Remember, you cannot begin the discussion of the essay in the opening paragraph. Save the actual discussion start for the second paragraph as required.  
  
Coherence and Cohesiveness - Your ideas are not present in a manner that makes your meaning and discussion intentions clear to the reader. The essay lacks organization and does not offer a clear response progression. Your third paragraph, referring to KFC is misplaced because the restaurants normally do not sell the toys to the adults without children. More importantly, an adult has never been known to order a kiddie meal for himself when on lunch break because the servings of those meals are too small for an adult. So you made a mistake in evidence presentation which shows that you don't really understand the concept behind the prompt.  
  
Lexical Resource - Your vocabulary is basic. It also shows a lack of vocabulary understanding / meaning of English words in your presentation. Your limited control over word formation using English basic words left me, as a reader, in stress as I came to the end of your essay because your sentences oftentimes lacked meaning and clarity regarding the discussion topic.  
  
GRA - You presented a limited sentence structure range and could not advance beyond a faulty simple sentence presentation. The errors in the sentence structure are so noticeable that it impeded the understanding of the overall work you did.  
  
As a final note, your concluding paragraph was written as a run-on sentence. This should have been split into at least 3 sentences in order to be more aligned with the minimum paragraph requirements of the C&C paragraph scoring considerations.