dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Yesitsthao  
Hey! Welcome to this forum. I hope this feedback somehow enlightens you on what to accomplish. But before anything, I advise that you provide a copy of the graph in the next time. This will help us (and other evaluators) understand the context of your essay to provide a more appropriate written work.  
  
First and foremost, these types of essays require that you have a prevalent and fundamental understanding of the core analysis. I appreciate how straightforward your writing is as this fulfills this requirement without any unnecessary tugging. What I would recommend that you be more cautious of is the overall structure of your essay. Take a look at your last paragraph. In this portion, you were unable to fully identify yourself with distinctions as you had a lot of run-on sentences. Ensure that you are abiding by the general required principles to help readers distinguish the borders of your writing.  
  
Further improve your writing by evading the usage of these excesses. For instance, take a look at your first sentence wherein you had written "*most significant increase*". This particular line could have been rewritten as merely *significant increase*. Omitting one word not only saves you space, but gives your work a bit more appeal as you omit all of the unnecessary excesses along the way.
## the gifted leaders

  
  
Leaders have a strong influence on people's lives, they can make their lives better or worse, destroy poverty or make people poor. Some people think leaders were born to rule and others think, everybody can learn how to become a leader. In my opinion, people can't learn how to become a leader and it's a natural matter.  
  
Firstly, a leader should have charisma, and either someone has this quality or he hasn't, so, having the power to influence people isn't something to be learned. For example, in my country Iran, before the revolution, someone claimed that the king should quit and his kingdom is illegal. He stimulated people to go to streets and protest against the king. Normally, this wouldn't work out, but, that man had the charisma, everyone took his words as an order and they did whatever he asked them. As the result, he started the revolution and became the people's leader and threw the king out of the country.  
  
Secondly, each person is borned with a certain kind of personality that differs from others and this personality can't be changed through studying. For instance, I'm a shy person and I wasn't a sociable person while I was a child, but, I've always loved to become a singer and when I watched American Idol on tv for the first time, I enjoyed it in a way that I promised myself to learn how to sing and become a star like the singers on the show. Therefore, I took some singing lessons, although I wasn't bad at it, but, there was something that wasn't just right; I couldn't express my feelings through singing because I wasn't able to show them because of my certain personality. As the result, I learned how to sing, but, I never became a singer. Therefore, a person can learn how to lead, but, he isn't going to be able to become a true leader.  
  
In conclusion, being a leader requires charisma and a certain kind of personality that matches this role, so, just studying to become a leader is inadequate. However, there are many leaders in the world that aren't qualified and beside having these characteristics, leaders should learn about ruling and serve their people.
@jasmine12  
Hi, dear! Welcome here. I hope this feedback becomes helpful for your writing.  
  
First and foremost, you create quite unnecessarily lengthy sentences. Evade this as it does not assist you in writing more effectively. Rather, this only impedes on your delivery of message, making your work become overpowered by all of the complexity. As opposed to what is regularly being said or mentioned, it is more critical that you ensure that your message is being delivered. Simplicity is key here.  
  
Take, for instance, the first paragraph that you have. While you had bold statements, it was unclear from the get-go what the intention of the writing is. Furthermore, if you take a quick glance at the first sentence of your paragraph, you had quite a complex statement that could have been brought down into a smaller content. I recommend that you should be extra cautious of these instances as to not confuse and rattle the readers with any insignificant details.  
  
Bear in mind as well that, while placing a lot of examples is commonplace to be recommended, overwhelming your text with such would definitely put you on a tightrope.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## air travelling influence on earth

  
  
Some people argue that international air travel should be prohibited due to negative impacts on the environment. However, my view is that such claim cannot stand strong because advantages of international travelling by air are outweighing its disadvantages, as will be discussed below.  
  
First, international air travel is saving time, which is a crucial factor for any businesses' success. Let say if managers of Samsung, a Korean cooperation, have to be on business trip abroad, then it would take them far more time than what should have been for air travel. The slow travel, subsequently, will be followed by numerous economic consequences, such as missing important contracts, or late getting hold of what trouble is going on in factory that such managers should visit to make timing guides to counter that trouble.  
  
Another crucial point, which involves international air travel, is that it connects the world. Nowadays, people can, instead of staying in front of TV watching foreign attractions, book air tickets easily and fly to where they want to visit, for example: London's Eye. This, undoubtedly, is much convenient compared with the travel in the past. Plus, international air travel is what our grandparents never dreamt of because it was the privileges for only high-born people.  
  
To sum up, the advantages of international air travel are undeniable and unquestionable. Therefore, in my opinion, it could be a step down for human development if the prohibition of air travel were approved by any law enforcement body in the world.
@Hoang Kien  
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that you find the platform to be beneficial for your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us for more input.  
  
Firstly, I appreciate the straightforward approach you held in your writing. This made the entire process to be easier, considering that you were able to facilitate the writing process with more ease. This is a rare occasion as a lot of writers have a tendency to merely stick with factual data without recognizing the audacity of work necessary.  
  
However, I also still recommend that that you try to standardize your writing a little bit more to enhance how professional it appears to be. Doing this will help elevate the overall quality of your writing to make your essay flow smoother. For instance, take a look at your third paragraph. While you were able to fluidly portray everything, you still lacked that dynamism from having a steadier flow of writing. If you are able to have a more enhanced written work, this would certainly help you in the long-run.
## time spent on internet activities

  
  
task 1 :**The charts below show the percentage of time younger and older people spend on various Internet activities in their free time (excluding email).  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
Answer  
  
The charts compare the percentage of time that two age groups accessed to six Internet activities when they had spare time. Overall, it is obvious that youngsters from 18 to 26 years old spend a lot of time on social networks, listening to music and watching movies while the elderly people from 60 to 70 years old prefer researching such as health data, making booking cinema and travel.  
  
A closer look at the chart shows that most the younger people spend their free time on social media and access music and movies with about one in four and one fifth which compared to 21% and 15% of the elderly respectively. Besides, playing games is also significantly popular with younger people with 18 %. It is nearly fourfold the time the older people spent on this activity.  
  
However, the elderly spend their main time searching for movie tickets and travel with 25% which is fivefold the time younger people. Older people tend to spend more time searching like health data than the younger group with 22% and 20% respectively. On the other hand, both age groups spend the same time making purchases that are 12%.  
  
*   
*anh*
@Tina le  
Hi, dear! Welcome to the forum. I apologize for the delay. However, I hope that this feedback serves you well in the future.  
  
First and foremost, I suggest trying to shorten the length of your sentences. What you have been doing primarily is simply inputting a lot of complex details without necessarily showcasing any prioritization in the process. Because of this, readers are going to struggle a little bit more when it comes to furthering what they know about the topic. When you're making analytical essays, this part is essentially critical because it will add clarity to your essay.  
  
Having said that, the last paragraph needs a bit of work. Remember that the last portion is supposedly dedicated as a concluding paragraph, making it critical that the analysis here would encompass the entirety of the text.  
  
Be cautious as well of small details (ie. *punctuation marks, etc.*).
## social revolution

  
  
**Many people think modern communication technology is having some negative effects on social relationships. Do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Online communication technologies have revolutionized how people interact with each other. I agree that these technologies have adverse impacts on interpersonal relationships.  
  
Social apps may make communication shallower and thus make relationships more cosmetic. First, people, particularly the youth, may trade off face-to-face communication for online messaging. In this way, they would miss important non-verbal information including facial expressions, tones, and body language. Relegating face-to-face talks to exchange of texts could result in a lack of deep understanding between people. Also, the "like" feature on social media cannot strengthen interpersonal ties. This is because "likes" do not carry any information further than general appreciation. On the contrary, spending too much time on liking posts could mean that no time is left for quality communications.  
  
An equally worrying effect of online communication is that it may spread jealousy and anxiety. Fascinating travel pictures, photos of perfect bodies, and impressive update on profiles are abundant on Facebook feeds. On seeing these posts from friends, one may feel jealous and anxious. Some may even feel like a failure in comparison to their friends. To avoid this sense of defeat, some may alienate themselves from their friends. As a result, online communication tools could make their users more isolated.  
  
To conclude, modern messaging tools could degrade interpersonal relationships, although they were designed to forge communication. Main impacts include shallower interactions and a sense of alienation.
Hello  
  
Generally speaking, your essay is quite good. You are able to use a variety of sentences and vocabulary. I have only some suggestions for you.  
  
Firstly, I think the first paragraph is too short, especially there is no connection between the first and second sentence when you talk about your statement. Maybe adding more relevant explanations between them, at least one sentence, would be better. It can not only help readers more easily to follow the idea of this essay, but also could add more words in it since it is apparent that words are not enough for Ielts writing task 2 ( at least 250 ).  
  
Secondly, there are a few grammar mistakes like ~~First~~  Firstly, ~~quality communications~~ communications in good quality.  
  
Hope my suggestions are helpful
***There is growing evidence that man-made activities are making global temperatures higher.***  
## What might be the man-made causes of temperatures rising? How should we deal with this problem?

  
  
Nowadays, there are a lot of power plants, factories, and agriculture that made our climate change its temperature. Evidence by man-made activities making this more globally increased.  
  
This essay will discuss what might be the man-made causes of temperature rising and how should we deal with this problem  
  
The temperature rises because of many factors. One is by burning fuels like coal, gas, and oil to create electricity for the consumption of the community. By burning these fuels there is a release of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere which by then increases the heat in the ozone layer. Another is by cutting the trees in the forest for the use of building infrastructures or houses, these will result in the balding of the forest, more increased levels of carbon dioxide and less rain. Trees absorb carbon dioxide thus lessens the temperature we are experiencing and works as a pump that releases moist to air thus produce rain. Interestingly, animals particularly livestock like sheep and cattle's produce methane, a greenhouse gas. When livestock are grazed on a large scale, the amount of methane produced is a big contributor to global warming.  
  
So, to deal with this problem first we must reduce the electricity being used from coal and gas and substitute it clean, renewable energy sources like solar and wind because they have the least emitted carbon dioxide. Secondly, preventing deforestation and tree- clearing. We should plant more trees joining tree planting projects. And lastly, use a different stock feeds that can help to reduce balding of the area and farming's contribution to climate change.  
  
In the end, those man-made activities that increase the global temperature if not prevented should be restrained to delay the effects of climate change.
overall, I think it well written essay, but I believe it is better for you to avoid some sentence, which can improve you score.  
  
Many phrases found there can be categorized as hackneyed phrases where almost they are found in students' IELTS essays, like this essay will discuss or how should we deal with this problem.  
  
Instead you can used (the primary cause for this predicaments is .... your idea, and the viable solution is ..... your idea...
In recent years migration toward the bigger cities has embarked serious concerns about rapid city expansion. While some are advocating the city life others still prefer to live in rural or smaller neighborhoods and both groups have considerable arguments to support their view.  
  
In one hand, being the center of business and commerce make the cities to be a very inviting destination for many professionals. Not only cities offer higher wages and job opportunities but also they usually provide wider range of institutions to learn new skills. On the other hand, over-population as a major result of this trend brings the issue of the over-business and the insufficient personal life. For example, I had to quite my yoga lessons when I could no longer manage to finish my routine tasks because of wasting my limited time in heavy traffics quite often.  
  
The another major impact of moving to cities is the higher life expenses in compare to rural areas. Obviously, the higher demand for the land, the higher rent requests which in some cities it could reach up to %50 of the minimum salary. In contrast, living in small towns could financially advantageous due to the relatively cheaper expenses but it is not necessarily a better investment . For example, the housing market boom happens usually much faster with higher rates in cities which makes it a perfect short term revenue. A condominium unit in downtown Toronto could cost almost a house price in a smaller town but the price jump will soon compensate the expensive price in the first place and double the initial payment in 5 years.  
  
Whether living in cities or rural locations is depend on one's life style, aims and interests. While easier and more peaceful life in rural location could be enough reasons for some to say, the big city life and the opportunities it offers could be a good motivation for others. It might be a beneficial to assess ourselves properly and get advice before choosing where to live.
Hi,I hope you are doing well with your IELTS Exam.  
I think your essay is not clear enough or it easy to understand.  
  
For example, the question asked about the advantages and disadvantages, but the essay is in favor of one side of the argument, not both.  
I believe it is better to separate one paragraph for advantages to live in the city compare to live in the countryside, and the other for disadvantages to live in the city in comparison with the countryside with sufficient examples and explanations for each one.  
  
In conclusion, you need to be clear and specific to elaborate the idea that you presented previously.
## how advertisements are affecting us?

  
  
These day, people are bombarded with various types of advertisement. This development brings about either benefits or drawbacks for humans  
  
On the one hand, advertisements have positive effects on human's life. First of all, advertisements provide customers with information about products and services, therefore, they can make a better shopping choices for themselves and their family. For instance, public nowadays have a chance to watch advertisement about many kinds of milk on television or internet. Among several brands, moms can choose the products with the best quality, price, taste for their children. Secondly, watching advertisement help people to update the development of products. Advertisements always show the products with the most modern features Take technological devices as an example, thanks for advertisement, people can know the developing speed of the technological industry in general  
  
On the other hand, advertisement also affected negatively on people. The first reason is that companies spend a huge amount of money on advertisement, which increase the cost of products. To reduce the price, producers might fight other ways to produce goods, such as using low-quality material or pass some stages of producing process. Another disadvantage of advertisement is that it encourage people to buy things that they do not really need. This is a waste of natural resources and working effort. For example, Apple - a famous brand of smart phone, always release the new version of their iPhone every year. There are a lot of people desire to own the newest Iphone although their phone are still working well and they are ready to pay a large amount of money to get that new smartphone  
  
In conclusion, with the development of economy and society, advertisement has become an important part of our daily life. People should be aware of how advertisements are affecting us and use them to gain knowledge
@thaolinh  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback serves you well.  
  
Firstly, the straightforward and yet sophisticated approach you have in writing is quite excellent. This makes your writing intelligible without all of the fuss of overtly descriptive language. Keep this up! Moreover, I also appreciate how you had a very organized writing approach that made it easier to transition between one word to another without necessarily appearing as though you are jumping into conclusive remarks.  
  
I would only suggest that you evade the usage of packed language. What this pertains to is inserting too much information within a small cluster of text. This particular act does not benefit you in the long-run because it can impede on the clarity of text. Take, for example, the last sentence of your third paragraph. If you can eliminate these excesses, you would be able to dedicate more space to the introduction paragraph and the conclusive remarks, making your essay more balanced.
## A successful person is one who has earned a lot of money

  
  
The phenomenon of the successful person is indeed a controversial term among folks since the dawn of human civilization. The financial position throughout the one's tenure is often considered as one of the path to measure the success. I believe being rich in money is a good criterion to judge the success although technical skills in occupation are also crucial in the same cadre to be considered.  
  
Certainly, the person's wealth is one of the ways to evaluate the success. The businessmen are one of the successful people as they have lots of money to be spent and live richly in the society. For example, the annual income of the business persons is very high and compare to others Moreover, there expenditure make them visible in neighbours and surrounding get the rich standard logo over there. Thus, being rich financially is an effective gauge of success.  
  
Beside money, technical skill attained during the jobs would surely be measured as a success. Despite it is deemed as mere routine activities to earn money, it requires many pivotal virtues to be perfect in particular sets of skills such as dedication, concentration, practices, patients and so on. For instance, as a medical professional, I need to perform the surgeries in patients to alleviate them from the medical complications. Though treatments of the patients are part of academic curriculum, I have to follow the above mentioned virtues to apply them efficiently without fail. Thus, a successful practice of the learned techniques is also a measure of success.  
  
In conclusion, the nature of success is multifaceted. This essay discussed two way of measure the success; money and technical skills at job field. I think money an easy tool quantify the success, however, implication of the skills also possessed the strong side to be represented.
@mjpnidhi  
Hello there. Seeing as you are new here, welcome to the forum! I hope you find all of this feedback to be helpful for your writing endeavors.  
  
First and foremost, the introductory paragraph had used a lot of complex terms that it sort of impeded the flow of your writing already. Notice how you were adding so many unnecessary extensions to the core message. While this is generally acceptable, it would enhance your writing if you focused solely on the details that are necessary. Doing this not only saves you the luxury of space - but this can also help you develop a more meaningful outlook for the rest of the text.  
  
Furthermore, when trying to incorporate more concrete examples to your text, try your best to stick with only the critical details available. Doing this would help the readers understand the text in its entirety. Taking a look at your body paragraph (second and third), you had mostly hypothetical examples to back your thoughts and opinions. It would help shape your essay more if you had utilized real-life samples.