dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Your essay cannot be marked because you did not upload the image and discussion instructions for this task 1 data report. All we can do is review your grammar and other presentation issues, not related to the image and instructions provided for the presentation. Upload the image next time you post a task 1 essay so a contributor, as only a contributor can score an essay here, can mark your work. Any student who marks another student's essay will automatically be suspended for forum rules violation.  
  
Good work writing less than 200 words for this essay. You wrote just enough to get the highest possible scores for the grading rubic. However, you would end up being scored down for presentation because you did not write the minimum 3 sentences per paragraph. You should be writing 3-5 sentences that vary from simple to complex in presentation. Your current writing leans more on the run-on side of the presentation. A run-on sentence does not equal a complex sentences. Review your grammar development rules regarding complex sentence structures. Nice use of the ratio and parenthesis presentations. It ties in well to create a cohesive and coherent sentence. Not everyone can creatively and effectively use a parenthesis in their data reports. I am impressed.  
  
Spelling error: labeled = labelled  
  
Conciseness issue:  
Do not use filler phrases such as "It is clear that there..." This creates a sense of confusion for the reader while reading your work. Simply say "There was always..." It immediately delivers the thought, without muddling the presentation just because you want to meet the word count. While you won't be scored down for using filler words, you will be scored down if the filler words affect the clarity of the presentation.
**## Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty.

  
*Therefore, developed countries should give other types of help to the poor countries rather than financial aid.To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
There is currently a large wealth disparity between countries in the world. In order to aid poor nations, their wealthy counterparts provide them with financial help but the problem of poverty there remains. There is a belief that some other ways of support should to be offered instead. This essay will expand on why I mostly agree with this idea in detail.  
  
First and foremost, it is a morally right thing to help those in need. Provided that financial support does not work, developed nations have a moral obligation to support their less fortunate counterparts in other ways. Indeed, if someone notices a person lying on the street, a good and moral reaction would be to find a way to help that person not just give money and hope for the best. I think the same works at a larger scale with nations and while it is not easy to help a whole country but it is morally right to do so.  
  
Besides, it is in the interest of rich countries to end poverty, particularly in adjacent countries, for their own safety. Unfortunately, poverty goes along with high crime rates, and many criminals from impoverished areas may sneak to a wealthier state to find luck. If rich countries find a way to lift their neighbors out of poverty, the threat of imported crime will decrease. This way, for instance, was chosen by the core states of the European Union as they implemented strategies to bring their newly accepted countries from Eastern Europe to a higher level.  
  
In conclusion, developed nations should aid poor ones as it is morally right, and it is safer to have a well-off neighbor than a poor one. Therefore, I predominantly agree that if this cannot be achieved with financial suport, other soulutions need to be found.
@anhnguyenhai333  
Thank you for such a detailed review, highly appreciate it. Seems I have this problem with direct answering the prompt question and I really do not understand at this point what should I have written. I am including the prompt ance again for clarity, as the thread name has changed for some reason.  
  
Before starting writing I was hesitating between answering **should or should not** rich countries offer other ways to help or**how else** rich countries can help (addressing corruption, lack of ways to earn money, like underdeveloped industry etc.). I assumed that it is the former case so I procceded to answer why I think they should help in other ways, but now I am confused as your point is convincing.  
  
I agree with your suggestion **Your two reasons are good, but does not answer the prompt directly. They answer why you think more developed countries should aid less developed ones, not why you prefer other non-monetary assistance forms**  
  
But I can argue that your ideas are not precisely answering the prompt too if I try very hard, it is so confusing now. For example, you are stating two resons *why monetary aid is ineffective*. The prompt did not ask this in my opinion. The fact that monetary aid is ineffective is given as a fact and no questions *why*there.  
  
**Rich countries often give money to poorer countries, but it does not solve poverty.**  
  
My knowledge in international relations and economy is limited, I would like to understand what is the correct answer/ideas/reasons for this prompt.  
  
*
**Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations.  
  
## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
There is an ongoing debate whether one should agree to work with little in return or one should exert efforts in negotiating for higher salary. In my perspectives, those two school of thoughts make high sense and could be applied in different circumstances.  
  
Regarding the first opinion implying that individual should take any chances in job opportunities, regardless the unfavored amount of salary. One should treat these offers as hands-on experience to improve job-related skillsets. For some people, money is not the ultimate motive in working. For instance, given this highly competitive job market, fresh graduates desire nothing but the ability to apply their knowledge into reality. Therefore, they are likely to accept any given chances even though most of the allowances are low.  
  
On the other hand, supposed on is matured enough in certain position and is confident in their competence, it is advisable for them to go extra in making a good deal in salary agreement. Senior employees, whose work's experiences lasted more than five years, have higher chances to success in such negotiation. It is safe to say, one deserve the sufficient amount of salary if their contributions are likely to reap significant success to the organization. There are many ways to improve the underpaying situation including demonstrating clearly your capabilities and presenting past achievements to the new employer  
  
Generally, one should be able to position their skills and competence before pursuing job opportunities. Sometimes, chances and experience are pivotal to the self-development in early stages, whereas sometimes one should know their worth and seek for well-deserved salary.
You have totally changed the parameters of the topic. You have turned a discussion into a debate, a dual point of view with personal opinion, into a personal opinion alone. These prompt deviations alone will be enough for you to get a failing score in the end. You must learn to analyze the prompt statement for its discussion requirements before you start writing an essay response. Not analyzing the discussion instructions is the most common reasons that exam takers fail this particular section of the test. You have to use the following outline to properly represent your discussion points.  
  
*Discussion Requirement: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Public Point of View 1: Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation,  
Public Point of View 2 Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations  
Discussion basis: an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money*  
  
Based on the outline I have shown you, it becomes easier for you to now outline the topics for discussion as:  
  
- Topic sentence: accept a bad situation  
- Example that shows acceptance  
- Reason why the public believes this is the best approach  
- Your opinion, thoughts on the public opinion  
  
-Topic sentence: it is better to try and improve such situations  
- Example that proves this decision is better  
- Reason why the public considers this acceptable  
- Your opinion of this topic  
  
You must use the second and/or third person references in the reasoning explanation portion and the first person pronoun in your personal opinion presentation. While this approach is more difficult to do for beginners, based on your current presentation, I believe you can pull off this format. This way, you will have clarity in your presentation as the group pronouns will come into play to show the difference in opinion between the public and your private point of view, which could lead to a better TA and C&C score for you. The GRA and LR section are not so much of a problem for you. The main problem is actually the improper format of your discussion, which could lead to a failing score.
## reducing the problem of too many cars

  
  
The considerably increasing of cars has been considered one of the major social problems not only in one nation but also all around the world in many decades. Although this problem can be attributed to many reasons, some feasible solutions can be considered to address this.  
  
On the one hand, the increase in cars is many bad effects not only on the environment but also on people. First, car hazardous substances discharged into the environment would lead to global warming. It's can contribute to the rising sea levels and the melting of ice air pollution. These definitely affect the surface of bodies of water and soil and detrimental harmful to the environment. Second, this extremely harmful to people's health because the environment be damaged, people exposed to air pollution. This is the reason for many diseases such as birth defects, lower reproductive rates, or even cancer.  
  
On the other hand, I personally believe that we have to vary feasible solutions to environmental issues facing the world today. First, rising fuel prices can be best solution. In fact, if fuel prices are dramatically increasing, commuting costs would rapidly climb. People would take public transportation instead of driving a car. Second, the government should raise public awareness through a campaign or policy. For example, the Dutch government has adopted laws to regulate emissions. They replace gasoline-fueled cars with zero-emissions vehicles.  
  
In conclusion, although accelerating cars could have a somewhat negative effect on the environment, I hope we can help reduce the whole problem by doing some environmental projects.
Do not focus only on providing reasons for the discussion. That leads to a lack of clarity and a failure of cohesiveness and coherence in your presentation. You should be concentrating on fully explaining your reasons and solutions instead of just fulfilling the discussion requirements by the number of reasons and possible solutions in your paragraphs. The key to passing this test is in the way that you prove to the examiner that you can understand the topic and provide fully developed explanations to support your reasoning statements. That requires you to focus on presenting the following:  
  
- A topic sentence  
- A supporting example  
- An explanation of why the topic and example justify the problems caused  
- Additional explanations in support of your topic or example  
  
In the second paragraph, you did a good job when you used the following connected causes:  
-the increase in cars ... the melting of ice air pollution.  
- this extremely harmful to people's health ...or even cancer.  
  
The problem with that presentation is that the sentences in the middle do not connect the 2 causes. You must use a unified example or a progressing example that connect the environmental problem with human health. The discussion you present became confusing when the reader came across the middle discussion, these do not connect the two topics and only caused confusion for the reader.  
  
This was something you were able to do in the solutions presentation. While the explanation could have been better, the connected discussion topics made it easier for the reader to understand what you wanted to say. Just avoid using examples at the end of the presentation. You do not have enough sentences left to better explain the example. Always place that as the second sentence so you can use the last 3 sentences to fully detail your explanation of your reason and example.  
  
The concluding paragraph needs to properly restate the topic, causes, and solutions. Without that recap is invalid as the essay does not come to a full circle, or a complete close.
## Watching TV and learning effectiveness

  
  
Some children can learn more efficiently by watching TV. Therefore, children should watch TV regularly both in school and at home. Do you agree or disagree?  
  
Some students find it more efficient to retain and understand concepts by watching TV. However, I do not believe this is enough to validate and encourage this habit among all children both at home and at school.  
  
On the one hand, children are more captivated and engaged by the colourful pictures and sounds on the television. This is especially true for kids suffering from learning disabilities as they are more susceptible to learn shapes, sizes and alphabets presented in an animated manner rather than through textbooks. The characters and hosts on TV shows are very friendly and have the ability to make studying fun through the use of various props and light and sound effects.  
  
On the hand, young students are also very easily distracted and influenced. For instance, if they are allowed to watch TV, they might keep changing channels and watch different shows instead of studying. Furthermore, it is not always possible to be supervised at home. This may lead to children watching some violent or adult shows which can have very severe impact on their mental health and personality if not depicted in the correct manner.  
  
To give an example, a crime TV show in India which was supposed to warn teenagers on how to protect themselves against various petty crimes had a complete opposite effect. The police caught various juvenile children committing thefts and robberies who revealed they got the idea from that television show. Therefore, this proves how damaging TV can be due to the gullible nature of children.  
  
In conclusion while there are definitely children who greatly benefit from watching TV, its use needs to be supervised and all children should definitely not be given regular access to TV both at school and at home.
Whenever you see the word OR in a prompt, that means this is a single opinion discussion. You cannot score well in the C&C section once you use a C/C or A/D format for your discussion. The word OR indicates a choice must be made regarding your opinion. You cannot say that you disagree with the statement and then go into a comparative discussion of the pros and cons of the presentation in individual paragraph form. If you want to use a C/C format for this type of prompt you should follow the format below to get around the single opinion requirement per paragraph. Your sentences should be composed of:  
  
- Topic sentence (pro topic)  
- Reason why you believe this is an incorrect assumption  
- An example that proves your reason  
- Additional supporting evidence based on your incorrect assumption reason  
- Transition sentence  
  
The idea behind this discussion is to prove that you are on the correct side or that your opinion is valid. You can do that and still avoid the C/C discussion using the suggested format above. This will also help your essay remain on point by providing a thoroughly developed discussion focused on the C&C requirements of the paragraph. The only way to properly discuss this topic is to have the writer support and prove his opinion. The examiner will not judge you on the validity of your opinion, just the way that you defend it in clear, understandable English.
## learn about the various cultures by traveling

  
  
It is not necessary to travel to other places to learn the culture of other people. We can learn just as much from books, films and the internet. Do you agree or disagree?  
  
We can learn about different cultures through books, films and internet, making travelling to other places for a similar reason less important. I do not agree with this statement as cultures around the word represent the identity, emotions and a way of life of its people that can only be understood by experiencing it first-hand.  
  
Reading books, watching movies or the internet cannot tell us everything about different cultures and traditions. For instance, the smell, flavour and texture of food cannot be explained without tasting it. Travelling introduces people to a new way of life through languages, habits and traditions. While one may be able to learn about different languages spoken but to truly understand the dialects, tone and accent one has to be present in that place. There are certain customs and traditions that are not permitted to be recorded by anyone and can only be witnessed by the people present.  
  
Text, media and internet do not always provide a true and accurate account. They are the interpretations of a third person or persons experience which may be biased. An author is likely to negatively portray certain cultures if he/she does not agree with their practices. In addition, movies have limitation on how much information they can display in the set time. Similarly, most websites on the internet can be accessed and edited by numerous individuals. This makes their validity and accuracy questionable.  
  
In conclusion I believe, it is only by visiting the actual place and its people that can authentically learn about the various cultures.
You have to learn to divide your thought process into individual sentences. That must be done so that you can meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. You could have presented the original prompt and response as follows:  
  
*The information highway, mass media, and printed materials allows everyone to go on learning adventures without having to leave their homes. So, it appears that globe trotting is not longer required just so people can experience other civilizations. I cannot agree with this statement because traveling offers a learning experience that 2nd hand learning cannot offer.*  
  
By offering a clear representation of why you disagree with the statement as the main purpose of your discussion, you will be able to present a clearer prompt paraphrase and response. This gives the examiner a better idea of how well you understand the English language and your ability to represent your sentiments in your own words. Your version does this to a limited extent. You have to work better on your vocabulary usage and synonyms in place of the keywords from the original presentation.  
  
In the second paragraph, you made it clear that the topic sentence is about how reading about travel and actually experiencing it are two different things. You used the example of food for this part. After you mentioned food, you did not offer a supporting explanation to justify your example. You instead went on to offer other topic sentences, all of which do not have a supporting explanation. So the examiner will score this as an under developed paragraph, leading to a low C&C score. When the discussions do not connect in the paragraph, it is not coherent and not cohesive in presentation. Only one topic is required, supported by examples and reasons to make your point with clarity in the paragraphs. The same issue exists in the third paragraph, further lowering your C&C score in the process. The total essay will be deemed under developed and little explained. You did not even pay more attention to one section of the explanation than the other, so the discussion is truly problematic.  
  
There are also GRA issues with your essay which, I believe, will not make a difference because you are not presenting a good essay in the first place. Work on the clarity of your explanations first. Then we can worry about your GRA scores.
## The bar chart and the table description

  
  
The bar chart illustrates how many beds per thousand people in hospitals there are, while the table highlights the government spending on health care and the average life expectancy in various countries.  
  
At first glance, the more hospital beds one has, the higher the life expectancy citizens are, while the less amount of expenditure on health per person has.  
  
On average, Japan ranks first in the number of hospital beds among the eight regions, which accounts for around 14 beds for 1000 people. Next comes Germany, which occupies just over 8 beds for 1000 people, and this figure is nearly twice as high as that in the Netherlands. Nevertheless, the least number of hospital beds is the US, at just under 3 beds per person. In addition, there are around 4, 4, 3, and 4 beds in Australia, Canada, Spain, and the UK per 1000 people respectively.  
  
Turning to the table, while only $2815 are spent on health care per person in Japan, this country has the highest life expectancy (83 years). Conversely, the figure for money spent for health in the US is about 3-fold as high as that in Japan but it has the lowest life expectancy, which makes up only 78 years. Besides, 3481 dollars are paid for health to keep people alive until they are 80 years old in the Netherlands.
@Nhu Ngoc  
You can upload images here, add the task images next time.  
  
*The bar chart illustrates how many beds per thousand people in hospitals there are,*This part you should change because it is not clear what the bar chart illustrates. Maybe something like this The bar chart illustrates how many beds per thousand people there are in hospitals in seven (or eight) different countries.  
  
*the more hospital beds ~~one~~  **a country** has* "one" here sounds like you are talking about a person who owns a hospital, not a country.  
  
*the higher the life expectancy of **its** citizens **is** ~~are~~*  
The last part of this sentence I don't understand  
  
*least number of hospital beds is **in** the US*  
  
*In addition, there are around 4, 4, 3, and 4 beds in Australia, Canada, Spain, and the UK per 1000 people respectively.* This make no sense, maybe try to write two separate sentences to explain these four countries.  
  
*3481 dollars are paid for health to keep people alive* This is scary, try to translate this into your native language and you will see why. Just *paid for healthcare* sounds better.