dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
***Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanner and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others feel that they have resulted in a loss of privacy. Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?***  
  
In this modern era, many people have acknowledged that they are assisted with shopisticated technologies. It is consisted body scanner and CCTV which by far will make them safetier from threat even help to improve the business. They are willing to spend more money to set CCTV and can be placed according to their desire and requirement. If there is a CCTV at the location, criminals tend to change their mind to undertake a crime. Therefor, I do personally believe that body scanner and CCTV will increase our safety and security.  
  
On the other hand, I ever read into newspaper that there was CCTV which was placed at the wrong spot such as in the hotel rooms, definitely it will make someone feels uncomfortable even loss privacy. However, we cannot directly blame CCTV as the cause.  
  
Based on my experienced, my family had a business which was located in my hometown. This business looked like a store, and also many costly goods which were sold over there. By increasing our subscribers, it also provoked a concern by criminal to utilize this condition as way to steal the items in the store. So that, we experienced a large loss. After that, we obtained this incident as an unforgettable experience. Nevertheless, we found out the way to enhance security, by using an advanced technology as weel as CCTV. As the result, we had made an improvement progresively. In any case, It was followed by another store to imitate our way by installing this tool each visible spot.  
  
The aferomentioned evidence shows that a shopisticated technology may be utilized to ease us. Although some citizents suppose that CCTV may disturb their privacy, the owners should place this tool at the fair spot.
... that they are assisted with ~~shopisticated~~**sophisticated** technologies.  
  
It is consisted body scanner and CCTV ...  
*'consist' is an intransitive verb. cannot change into passive*  
... will make them ~~safetier~~**safety** from threat ...  
  
~~Therefor~~**Therefore,** I ~~do personally~~ believe that body scanner ...  
  
... I ever read ~~into~~**the** newspaper ~~that there was~~**about** CCTV ~~which~~ was placed at (...) uncomfortable even ~~loss~~**lost** privacy.  
1 paragraph consist of 3 sentence.  
  
The aferomentioned evidence ...  
in the last paragraph you may paraphrase you introductory paragraph and add your personal suggestions
**Writing Task 1 - UK Telephone, by category, 1995-2002**  
  
A breakdown of telephone call duration in UK during the time 1995 to 2002, measured in billions of minutes, is illustrated in the bar chart categorized based on the call types. Overall, it can be seen that local call stands in the highest level of using throughout the time frame while the telephone calls using mobiles is the lowest one.  
  
To begin, the telephone calls using locals shown a gradual improvement in 1995 to 1998. Stood at roughly 70, the level of locals use rose moderately to around 90. The same condition occurred in the other type, national and international call, which reached 50 billion minutes in 1998. This pattern was followed by the number of mobiles use, the fewest using among the types.  
  
In the four last years, a moderate decline experienced the former which reached to approximately 70, the same level in the beginning of the time. In contrast to this, the other two types of calls saw a significant increase to the rest of the time. However, during the time frame, the greatest level still remained in the local use while the converse appeared to be true in mobiles use.
Hi Hayani,  
Welcome to EssayForum :)  
  
It is quite unfortunate that most new members have similar problem related to "missing picture/image/diagram/figure/chart" in their first threads. This can be avoided by the help of your personal referrals / tutors. Therefore, I would advise you to upload the proper picture to help us giving complete feedback towards your essay in the next writing practice.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- A breakdown of the information about telephone call duration in the~~UK~~United Kingdom~~during the time~~from 1995 to 2002, (...) illustrated in the bar chart. (stop here, new sentence)It is categorized based on the call types.  
  
- ... that local call ~~stands~~stood as~~in~~ the highest level of ~~using~~usage throughout the time frame while the ~~telephone calls using mobiles~~usage of mobile telephone calls~~is~~was the lowest one.  
  
It is indeed you can use present simple in the first sentence of this paragraph, but when it comes to the "overview", it should be written based on the time signal. If it is in the past, you MUST write them in past form. Most IELTS candidates are failed to reach band 6 or above due to this unfortunate errors. You need to remember that an appropriate overview is needed if you want to reach band 6 or above.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hallo.. let me to give you some notes about your essay!  
A breakdown of *the information about*~~of~~ telephone call duration in ~~UK~~*the UK*~~during the time 1995 to 2002~~*between 1995 and 2002,**based on the call types* measured in (...) the bar chart ~~categorized based on the call types.~~  
  
... local call stands ~~in~~ is the highest level of ~~using~~ usage throughout the time frame while ~~the telephone calls using mobiles is the lowest one.~~*the usage of mobile telephone calls was the lowest one.*  
  
I hope it works! Good luck !
Hello Niks30!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion.  
  
A breakdown of telephone call duration in UK during the time 1995 to 2002, (from year to year**or** between year and year )  
  
...Stood at roughly 70 **billions***(Since you haven't mention it before, you should mention it here, for the next number, it will be fine to do not mention it)*, the level of locals use rose moderately to **around** 90 (you can say "nearly 90" if the number is lower than 90, or "almost 90" it can be used for higher or lower ).  
  
... in the other type (You may use "figure) , national and ...  
  
Overall, it is really a good job NIKS.  
**For next task, you have to put the picture. It is hard for reviewer to match the data if you do no put it.**  
  
Hope it helps you :)
**The use of electronic media has negative effects on personal relationships between people.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
In the recent years, electronic media commonly used by people in the hemisphere. One of negative effects has shown which is personal relationship become interrupted. In my view, i extent to agree because direct communication is more important than communication which is used electronic media  
  
Handphone is a common technology which is used by people to communicate without seeing each other.This type of indirect communication has an advantage such as we can communicate with colleagues have a distance with us. We can keep in touch with them using social media. For example, people who work far away from their family hang them life to their phone because that is the only way so that people can communicate with family or colleagues from distance.  
  
On the other hand, using handphone usually make people less aware of people around them. Feeling happy with their own world through their handphone. Because of handing the gadget, they can forget people around them. For instance, people who come to the mall for little reunion with friends, ending to talk with their handphone and do not talk to each other. That is the reason why electronic media can ruin our relationship with others. As a result, Because of high technology attraction, people become uncared with their surroundings.  
  
In conclusion, it is true that electronic media can take care of relationship among colleagues in distance. However, the negative effect of using electronic media is more problematic. I suggest to using the electronic media wisely so that we can divide time for people around us.
Hi Annisa,  
  
My feedback would be for the general aspects of your essay, especially in sentence structure. You have major errors in composing sentences and therefore, you are in dire need for an upgrade.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- ~~In the recent years~~These days , electronic media is / are(either is or are can be used. It depends on your intention, if you want to make it plural, use are until the end of the essay, and vice versa) commonly used by people in the ~~hemisphere~~world(hemisphere is usually divided into two parts. Southern hemisphere and Northern hemisphere) .  
  
- One of the negative effects ~~has shown which is~~indicates that personal relationship ~~become~~has been interrupted.  
- In my view, ~~i extent~~I tend to / I have a tendency / I personally / I strongly / I firmly agree because (...) than communication ~~which is used~~via / through electronic media.  
  
... fragmented sentence like this *"They/People~~Feeling happy~~feel happy with their own world through their ~~handphone~~cellphones. "* Can you see where is the subject or the verb? You need to remember a proper sentence needs to have at least one sentence or one verb for each. Making fragmented sentence would not be good for your grammatical range and accuracy if you want to reach band 6 or above.  
  
Hope this helps :)
@ifraanisa05  
  
One of the negative effects ~~has shown which~~is interruption of personal relationship ~~become interrupted~~ . In my view, ~~i extent to agree because~~I believe direct communications is more important than communications~~which is used~~ via electronic media.  
  
Handphone is a common ~~technology~~electronic gadget~~which is~~ used ....  
  
An advantage of this type of indirect communication is it enables people that are in a distant to communicate, such as video chatting application in the social media.  
  
For Example, family members, friends and colleagues separated in a long distance can make use of electronic media to stay in touch.  
  
On the other hand, handphone has its down side as people tends to focus too much on their handphone until they ignore everything in the surroundings  
  
As an example, people who supposed to have a gathering in the mall ended up spending more times talking through the handphone instead of having a conversation with others in person. This is a proof that shows electronic media can ruin our relationship with others and as a result, people become lost touch with their surroundings.  
  
In conclusion, it is true that electronic media does bring the relationship closer for people separated in a distant, however the negative impact of it is more significant. I suggest using the electronic media wisely as people and things that happening in our surroundings are equally important.  
  
Good luck ... Semoga berjaya ....
Hi Ifra  
  
In the recent years, electronic media is commonly used by people in the ~~hemisphere~~  
  
1) Well, hemisphere usually use for scientific purpose for example astronomy. It not proper if you paraphrase "world" with hemisphere in that topic of your essay  
  
2) negative sentence ---> is + commonly + used  
  
~~Handphone~~hand phone is a common technology which ...  
  
3) The correct is you must add space between hand and phone  
  
... people less aware ~~of~~to the people around them because they feel ~~Feeling~~ happy with their own ...  
  
4) it more appropriate and linked each other  
  
, people become ~~uncared with~~uncared for their surroundings.  
  
5) uncared + for ---> look at the Cambridge .  
  
Common Suggestion : REPETITON OF HAND PHONE IS TOO MUCH ---. Paraphrase it with MOBILE / MOBILE PHONE / SMART PHONE / or you can mention the brand iPHONE / ANDROID
Hi Ifra, I'm going to make several comments  
  
1. ... which is personal relationship become interrupted ...  
You need to erase 'is' because there is a verb  
  
2. which ~~is used~~uses electronic media  
You can use active than passive because in the meaning it is more appropriate to use active and because in the first phrase you use simple present, just continue to use it.  
  
3. ...communicate with colleagues that have a distance with us ...  
It is better to use conjunction between two phrases  
  
Thank you  
Break a leg
HELLO FRA, i give you some suggestions, here they are...  
  
..., electronic media [**is** >> because this sentence refers to passive form ] commonly used by ...  
  
Handphone [hand phone ] is a common technology ...  
... because that is the only way [it is better if you put fulstop here ] so that [it is better if you put punctuation mark here ] people can ...  
  
..., people become ~~uncared~~ [**careless** ] with their surroundings.  
  
GLUCK:D
***The pie chart below shows the main reason why agricultural land becomes less productive. the table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during the 1990s.***  
  
The charts give information about several factors that affected decreasing of farm-land productivity and the percentage of land degradation which was caused by these factors in North America, Europe, and Oceania during the 1990s. Overall, there were three main reasons that affected land degradation which are over-grazing, illegal-logging, and over-farming. These factors gave the biggest impact to Europe and the fewest was faced by North America.  
  
The pie chart illustrates several reasons behind dropped of agricultural productivity. The biggest percentage is over-gazing by 35 percent. The, deforestation becomes the next reason which made 30 percent of farm and less productive. Over-cultivation in agricultural land also made land degradation increase. There were 28 percent of land degradation caused by this reason.  
  
These three factors effected land degradation in three regions. The biggest impact came to Europe which was 23 percent, which was illegal-logging decreasing until 9.8 percent. The next, Oceania by 13 percent where over-cultivation did not give any impact. The last was North America which only affected on 5 percent of total land.
Hello @nurainiysuf16, I got some suggestions for your writing:  
  
... biggest impact to Europe ~~and the fewest was faced by North America.~~ (WHILE THE CONVERSE APPEARED TO BE TRUE IN NORTH AMERICA).  
  
The biggest percentage ~~is~~ (WAS) over-gazing by 35 percent. The~~,~~ deforestation ~~becomes~~ (BECAME) the next reason (...) of farm ~~and~~ less productive.  
There ~~were~~ (WAS) 28 percent of land ...  
  
... which was 23 percent, ~~which was~~ (WITH) illegal-logging decreasing ...  
~~The next,~~ (FOLLOWED BY) Oceania ~~by~~ (AT) 13 percent where ...
**INTRODUCTION**  
  
**\*effective and well-developed introductory paragraph  
\*presents a clear overview of main trends, components, and differences on data**  
  
... and the percentage of land degradation which was caused ...  
... reasons that affected land degradation which are over-grazing, illegal-logging , and over-farming.  
  
**BODY PARAGRAPH**  
  
**\*adequate wide range of vocabulary**  
\*tenses inconsistency/errors  
\*word formation errors  
\*presented data in some organisation  
  
The biggest percentage is over-gazing by 35 percent. The, deforestation becomes the next reason (...) of farm and BECAME less productive.  
  
These three factors effected land degradation ...  
The biggest impact came to Europe which was 23 percent, which was illegal-logging decreasing ...
The diagrams give the information about how producing power energy using wind turbine and that located in 3 different areas. The equipments that needed are a generator, blades, wind sensor and a computer. Overall, wind turbine which are located in hill and sea produce more power of electricity. However, the wind turbine located in the sea is not spoiled the scenery.  
  
Process installation a wind turbine is began from build the installation. First, a generator, blades, wind sensor are placed in the top of tower. After that, the installation is connected by a computer to transfer the sensor which are cathed by wind sensor from wind's pressure through the blides. So, the turbine can be rotated and a generator can be activated to produce electricity.  
  
Oh the other hand, wind turbine can be located in hill, sea and near domestic. When wind turbines that are located in hill and sea can produce much electricity power, at 1,5 megawatts. Then, the wind turbine is applied in housing just produce 100 kilowatts.  
  
\  
In conclusion, producing an electricity that using wind can use a simple gerator-installation. If you need more electricity power you can modify with applying it in strategic area.  
  
*
The ~~equipments~~equipment*==> uncountable* that needed are a generator, ...  
... which are located ~~in~~on hill and sea produce ...  
  
... transfer the sensor which are ~~cathed~~ cashed by wind sensor ...  
  
... turbine can be located inon hill, sea and near domestic.  
... that are located ~~in~~on hill and sea can ...  
  
overall = in conclution  
~~In conclusion, producing an electricity [...] with applying it in strategic area.~~ ==> you have written it in introduction, so you do not need to write it again
Hello,  
  
... information about how ~~producing~~>>produce power energy  
The equipments ~~that needed are~~ [use] a generator, blades,...  
  
Process installation a wind turbine is began...>> Instalation process of a wind turbine is began....  
  
First, a generator, blades, [and] wind sensor are ...  
... the sensor which are cathed[cathed has different meaning with catched, so be careful, may be you means catched, not cathed] by wind sensor (...) through the blides >> blides has not meaning, you may mean blade.  
  
If you need more electricity power you can modify with applying it in strategic area. >> remember that you cannot put pronoun in WRITING TASK 1  
  
Gluck
Hai bada, here are my thoughts for you  
  
The equipments that needed are a ...  
equipment is a uncountable noun --> the types of equipment  
  
Overall, **the** wind turbine which ~~are~~**is** located in hill ...  
  
... located in the sea ~~is~~**has** not spoiled the scenery.  
  
... wind turbine is ~~began~~**begun** from ~~build~~**building** the installation.  
  
... installation is connected ~~by~~**to** a computer to transfer the sensor which ~~are cathed~~**is caught** by wind sensor (...) through the ~~blides~~**blades**.
Hi badafebriani17,  
  
Here's my suggestions:  
  
- The diagrams give the information about how producing power ... ---> you can utilize another advance vocab such "regarding".  
  
- wind turbine ~~and~~ that located in ;  
  
- The equipments that needed are a generator, blades, ... ----> avoid shopping list word in academic writing.  
  
it should be use verb 1  
- the wind turbine that located in the sea is not spoiled the scenery.  
- ... a wind turbine is began from build the installation.  
  
Break a leg!
Hi bada, I want to make some comments  
  
1. ... how ~~producing~~produce power energy ...  
You need a verb after 'how', so producing should be replaced by produce  
  
2. ... The equipments that needed ...  
Equipment is uncountable, hence just write 'equipment' without s  
  
3. Overall, wind turbine which ~~are~~is located in hill ...  
Because there is only one wind turbine, you should use singular verb.  
are ---> is  
  
Thank you  
Break a leg
***The use of electronic media has negative effects on personal relationships between people.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
Using of electronic devices now more difficult to arrange. It is caused by a large number of people use it. Some people say that it has brought negative effects on people's life, especially in personal relationship between people. I tend to agree about this statement and this essay will discuss the notion.  
  
Many people use electronic media as a tool or media to connect them to other people. The most electronic devices that are used by people are handphone with many features inside. By using handphone, users can send message, chat, and video call through particular application without moving locations. Nevertheless, sometimes some negative effects are resulted from using it. It can affect how people communicate with their relatives. Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, they do not realize what they have told via text. Whether it insults their partner or not. For example, users posted hate speech status in Facebook that they do not realize that it humiliates someone or makes someone has wrong feeling. Another example, somebody who chats with her friend reply the messages without thinking first whether it makes her friend mad. As a results, the two cases make the relationship of people break up.  
  
Moreover, users who do not use mobile phone well and exactly, will experience the worst situation in relationship. That situation will bring persons in bad condition. For instance, users will being adverse with their friends. It makes them losing some friends. It also will affect their psychological condition that they do not expect. We also often see that someone who posts sensitive status will get bullying from netizens due to the reason they offend others clearly. Sometimes that case will lead the person to get stress and depression. Therefore, using electronic media need self controlling. Because it also spreads fast and puclic.  
  
All in all, digital devices now become a necessary of many people. It brings many benefits in people's life. However, people must use it wisely and effectively. Since it can produce negative effect in private relationship among people. So, as users, they have to realize what they do while using mobile phone.
Hi Nur,  
  
In your introduction, I suggest you to explain "...this essay will discuss the notion." briefly. You can summarize your ideas into a single sentence. Remember, an outline of your thesis statement is crucial for your score. You can keep dreaming to have band 6 or above if you still do this in the next practice. If you take a closer look on IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors, you will see that the requirement of band 6 is "overall progression" in coherence and cohesion part. There is no overall progression which explains briefly about your ideas. Thus, you are suggested to make one.  
  
Then, I can notice that errors like fragmented sentences were quite noticeable. These are dangerous for your grammatical range and accuracy score. Please do make sure that errors like these "Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, they do not realize what they have told via text. Whether it insults their partner or not . , Because it also spreads fast and puclic . , and Since it can produce negative effect in private relationship among people. " Because/Since is a connector. A connector means that they have more than one clause. It needs to be fixed soon in the next practice. Try to find out by yourself and post it here. Let me check it further. Somehow, if you find out the solution yourself, you will be able to learn from your mistakes.  
  
Hope this helps :)
Hallo anna.. it is nice to read your essay because i think you didnt have any grammatical errors. However i found some mistakes.. and here my suggestion..  
  
*I tend to agree about this statement and this essay will discuss the notion.*  
  
After read your essay, better you emphasize your idea in your thesis statement. Let me to try making a thesis statement for you :  
  
*"I tend to agree with this notion because it can create misunderstanding between 2 persons in certain conditions and lost self-controlling."*  
  
Keep practice and good luck!
Hello Anna, here some advice from me to you:  
  
... used by people are handphone with many features inside. By using handphone , users can send ...  
  
1). TYPO handphone ---> hand phone. You must separate it.  
  
2) REPETITION. It's better to change into other words such as **mobile / mobile phone / smart phone**  
  
Moreover, users who do not use mobile phone well and exactly  
  
3) SAME MEANING. I think it has the same meaning, so better if you use one of them.  
That situation will bring ~~persons~~ 008000]people  
  
4) people ---> plural form of person