dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Athanasia, one of the requirements that we have here is that the student has to post the complete prompt requirement that you are responding to. We use that original prompt and instructions to examine the work that you have done and the problem areas that your writing might have. Since you did not provide a copy of the instructions, the review of your essay will only be based on general observations rather than exam specific considerations. Kindly remember to post the prompt along with your second essay for review. Don't bother with posting the prompt now. You only get one free assessment per thread. I won't be able to give you a second assessment even if you post it after this review. Here is my general observation of your essay.  
  
The opening paraphrase is incomplete. The TA portion of the test will only give you a high score for the prompt restatement and completely developed paragraph presentation. You only have 2 sentences when the minimum requirement is 3. I do not get a sense of the complete prompt topic for discussion nor the original discussion instruction. The outline for discussion is therefore incomplete.  
  
Your paragraphs must only focus on 1 topic at the most, per presentation. You need a topic sentence and a supporting declaration. These can be completed in 5 sentences and will represent a thoroughly developed discussion. The first sentence will be the topic sentence and then the last 3-4 sentences will be the supporting sentences. At the moment, you are stating "facts" without truly explaining why these should be considered truthful in nature. Are these popular reasons or personal reasons? There needs to be a recognition of where your evidence is coming from and why that makes it a factual line of reasoning.  
  
Try to develop a better conclusion. an effective conclusion should also be comprised of 3-5 sentences that repeats the original topic, the discussion instructions, the facts you provided, and your personal opinion (if required). I will admit that this is a good effort as a first time writer on your part. However, the lack of instructions and my inability to analyze your essay due to the missing instructions and topic statement make me wonder if this type of response would get a passing score in an actual setting. I need the original prompt requirement in order to assess that so make sure that you don't forget to give it to me the next time you post an essay for review.
If you can score my essay, I will very appreciate you. Also, is it suitable for this classification in this essay?  
  
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The charts below show the percentage of water used for different purpose in six areas of the world.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
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## how is the water utilized?

  
  
The figure presented for analysis is a pie chart. It illustrates the percentage of water used for different purposes in six places. To better capture their distinctions, six areas will be split into two groups - developing countries and developed countries. North America and Europe are developed countries; South America, Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia are developing countries.  
  
Overall, the percentage of agricultural water use in four developing countries more than developed countries. Also, the percentage of industrial water used in developed countries more than developing countries. Domestic water use is the least proportion in three water use for different purposes in six areas.  
  
In developed countries, approximately half of industrial water use in North America and Europe. Also, about 15% domestic water use in two countries. On the other hand, nearly 40% agricultural water use in North America; less than a third of agricultural water use in Europe.  
  
In developing countries, approximately 80% of agricultural water use in four developing countries. In industrial water used aspect, nearly 12% water used in South America and South East Asia; about 7% in Africa and Central Asia. In domestic water used aspect, about 9% water used in Africa, Central and South Asia. However, approximately 20% of domestic water use in South America.  
  
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Tommy, you must only use information given in the illustration. Since there was no differentiation between developing and developed countries specifically mentioned in the illustration, you should not have mentioned that at all. That is considered misinformation and would have led the reader astray, meaning, you would have supplied wrong information to the reader that may have an effect on the opinion that he is supposed to create based on your summary report. A simple listing of the 6 countries involved would have been sufficient enough to strengthen the opening statement. Instead, you weakened the overall essay by including fictitious information. By the way, in the summary overview, you forgot to mention what the uses of water that were being reviewed were. That is required information that you forgot to include. Remember, use all the information in the chart. Do not make up information as that will make you fail the test.  
  
You lack trending information in the essay and your last 2 paragraphs fall short of the required 3-5 sentence requirement. This means that you did not bother to try and develop a well written essay. You just wanted to be over and done with it. The short paragraphs / sentences indicate a lack of analysis of the information given. You were not careful in the development of your essay content. You took liberties by presenting information that was not included in the illustration and basically, threw away your chance at getting a passing score at the very least. In my opinion, this particular presentation will not score higher than a 5 due to the problem with your presenting inaccurate information and other problems previously mentioned.
1) Check your usage of prepositions.  
2) In the introduction and overview, you just have to do 2 things: Paraphrasing the topic sentence and giving the main trend of the most significant details in brief. Do not make it too complicated because reader may get lost and be confused reading your work. This will heavily influence your score. Furthermore, it is a must that you paraphrase the words used in the topic; otherwise, they won't give you mark for the introduction.  
  
3) Your way of expressing is cumbersome. Some sentences do not make sense.  
4) You do not need to classify charts into groups in your overview.  
5) Grammatical mistakes.  
6) Do not list the information. You have to make comparisons, which is asked in the prompt. In addition, do not use short and single sentences to introduce each detail. This is the cause of incoherence in your paragraph, since each sentence just mention one data. You do not link them together at all. Try to make them connected next time.  
  
7) In developed countries, approximately half of industrial water use in North America and Europe. => you misunderstand here. It should have been 'approximately half of the water volume is used in industry...'.  
  
8) Your information is misleading. Fix this first because it is really important to point out accurate data in task 1.  
9) It seems to me that you just picked up information you considered noticeable. It is not good to write down too many details like this. An acceptable essay must contains a moderate amount of important information and comparisons between those written.  
  
In general, it is my suggestion that you ought to practice analysing the illustration first. After that, you can start practicing.
Tommy, for me, you lack putting comparison in both data (you may compare between developed and developing country directly)  
for example : approximately half of industrial water use in North America and Europe as the developed countries. The reverse is seen in the developing country particularly in Africa people using merely on in ten of total.  
  
How you paraphrase the question also does not organize well (perhaps, you no need list the countries because "developed and developing countries" are enough to illustrate the data  
  
for the last paragraph also lack of synthesizing and comparison, you tend to list the percentage from the the data
## geothermal energy as a base for the new electricity

  
  
The diagram illustrates how electricity is produced by using geothermal energy.  
  
It is noticeable that there are five major stages in the process of manufacturing electric power, from cold water to the electricity that is used everyday by people all over the world.  
  
At the first step of the process, a certain amount of cold water is pumped down into the earth at a depth of 4.5km. After that, it is put through the injection well then the Geothermal zone which contains hot rocks. In the next stage, the water continues to be passed into the production well and becomes hot water which is pumped up to the condenser.  
  
The process begins with hot water being condensed to turn into steam. Following that, the steam has to go through a machine where it is rotated in a turbine and then generated to produce the final product which is the electricity.  
  
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Gao, there are too many run on sentences in your essay. Rather than presenting continuous procedural steps, divide these steps into sentences. That way you increase the possibility that you will most likely be presenting a number of simple and complex sentences per paragraph. When you write run-on sentences, you limit the chance to increase your GRA score in the essay.  
  
Your opening summary is not very efficient. It only provides information about the graph but nothing more. It should be at least 3 sentences long in order to qualify as a properly developed paragraph. That said, I would have presented the paragraph in this manner:  
  
*The illustration provides a diagram that detailed steps as to how electricity is generated in a geothermal power plant. In total, there are 5 steps involved. This essay will detail the steps involved in the production from the introduction of cold water, to the final process at the plant itself.*  
  
Notice that I introduced the type of diagram along with the purpose of the diagram without creating a run-on sentence. That is how you create a complex sentence presentation. The same follows for the rest of the sentences that I created for the summary overview.  
  
I have to call your attention to the trending statement that you made. It was not necessary to include such a statement as that information is not presented in the actual diagram. Therefore, you are reporting misinformation as there is no source for the information that you are sharing with the reader. As such, the essay will lose points in the TA section due to inaccurate information. Stick to only verifiable information from the diagram. You do not want to lose major points simply on a technicality.
Hi Holt,  
  
Thank you so much for your feedback.  
I understand that it would be better for the overview to contain more details. Besides, the steps should be divided into sentences. There is just one thing that confuses me. I've always thought that run-on sentences are the ones that contain too many ideas without proper punctuation and conjunctions. I agree that most of my sentences are unnecessarily long but they do have either punctuation or conjunctions. Could you please clarify this for me by analyzing some of the sentences? Are they really run-on sentences or just too long ones? I need to know to avoid making the same mistakes.  
  
Thank you again for all your hard work.
Hello :) Your introduction is good enough (you paraphrased the information given by IELTS). Similarly, your overview is nice, namely, you mentioned that there are five stages in that process, referring to the first and the last one as the key features. Your first body paragraph is well described, but I can't say the same about the other one. It's not as descriptive as the first one; you are supposed to provide details in the body paragraphs, so you could have added more information.  
  
Good luck with your preparation, and I would appreciate it if you could take a look at the thread I just started (IELTS: insufficient respect is shown to older people (reasons, problems in society) :)
My name is Jeremy, and I am going to take a Toefl test next week. I wrote an independent essay, and the topic is "It is more important for universities to invest in infrastructure and physical plant than to invest in keeping the faculty satisfied."  
  
## toefl independent essay

  
  
Here is the content I wrote:  
Investing is a way to get better. It can be tangible or intangible such as a kid who forms a good lifestyle can have a healthy body in the future. It is same that an organization deciding how to spend the money can be a crucial decision for the future. Despite many believe that good facilities gives the faculty a fine environment for learning and teaching, I think do what the students and the teachers needing are more important. The reasons are not only on motivating the faculty but also on not to wasting money.  
  
First, because of instructive purposes, the professors sometimes need holding some activities for the students to make a better learning atmosphere; therefore, to make sure the thing that the professors are going to do can make impacts, it is necessary for investing in program.  
  
For instance, my law professor took my whole class to the place where we might work in the future. Without the school's help, it is really hard to make every student have this opportunity to get the access. After this trip many of my classmates had different opinions about their future occupation. It shows that the fund really hit the right way.  
  
In addition to encouraging the faculty by certain plan, using money efficiently is also a big issue. "opportunity cost" is a term used in economic. It illustrates that the cost of choosing one thing is losing the others things that could choose previously. For example, if the school build a lot of structures that the students are not interested in, it not only waste the money but also plenty benefits can be enjoyed, if the school made a right decision. Pre-valuing on the plan is necessary; otherwise, the consequences are serious.  
  
In conclusion, if there is school can make fine plan for any invest, the faculty in the campus may all have a great feeling they are improving on many facets. This positive cycle can continually bring benefits not only for the students who are studying but also for those who will joining in this school; so, even though a small amount of money can be exploited if it is used on right places.  
  
I know there are lots of grammar errors, and I do not correct it because I tried to submit in 30 min.  
I want to whether the structure is OK or what I should notice. Thank for spending time on reading. Sincerely appreciate with it.
@loqsc852 The discussion topic that you provided lacks the discussion instructions that come with these prompt statements. As such, your essay cannot be assessed for prompt responsiveness and your ability to properly deliver the requirements of English instructions. The topic statement doesn't tell me what to look for in terms of accuracy or mistakes in your essay. I wish you had posted the prompt requirement beforehand. As a contributor, I can only assist you with the review of your essay once. So even if you post the prompt now, I will be unable to further help you with any corrections that I may find necessary in your work.  
  
What I can tell you, based upon a first and second reading of your essay is that there is no clear discussion point in it. What is the purpose of this essay? There is no clear prompt paraphrasing in the opening statement and no indication as to the type of discussion that you are required to present in the essay.  
  
You have make sure to never present run on sentences, as you did in paragraph 2, and instead, present complete paragraphs based on simple and complex sentences instead. Do not discuss 2 reasons or thoughts in one sentence as that creates confusion for the reader. In paragraph 2, you could have added the current paragraph 3 to it and created a better developed discussion that would have shown some sort of understanding of a prompt instruction that, up to this point, is only known to you and the person who created the prompt. Remember provide the prompt next time so that I can have a better grasp of how to assess your essay.  
  
The whole essay is confusing rather than informative. I am not sure what the actual discussion should be because there was no representation of it in the opening statement. I do not know if this discussion follows the discussion instruction either because you did not give us a copy of the original instructions. Even without those instructions however, this essay is not going to go anywhere near a passing score because of the problems I indicated.
**In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win the match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by the prize money and the opportunity to be famous.  
  
What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?**  
  
## championship for money and fame

  
  
In retrospect, the main purpose of sport champions for winning is to defeat other competitors or to make new world records. In contrast, recently, there has been a tendency that people involved in this field aim to win in order to achieve fame as well as material value. This trend sends a message to the young which will be discussed in this essay along with the solutions to fix the problem.  
  
The phenomenon means that more and more athletes nowadays no longer care about sport value. Instead, it is replaced by money concern. This is a plain result of a shift in the way human beings think about and judge others. As worldwide economy grows dramatically every single day, which thereby becomes the most pivotal issue each individual has to pay attention to, one person's status and traits are now based on finance and reputation. In the sense that people who do not earn a considerable amount of income or fame are considered as unimportant or even worthless, many individuals in various fields, not just sport, tend to leave behind pure value of their jobs and join in the race of gaining money and popularity.  
  
There is no doubt that this results in several problems. One of them is that current and future generations of sport players will downplay the significance of true value and beauty of this field. If this issue keeps occurring and we have no precaution for it, sport will eventually turn into a tool for making money and reputation, which means it will not serve the right purpose that is bettering our mental and physical health anymore. In addition to this, the possibility of cheating may emerge as well, since the inspirational and spiritual motivation is replaced by material one that often makes human negatively motivated.  
  
In conclusion, winning championship for money and fame is the consequence of economic growth and changes in public perception. This phenomenon causes negative impacts on sport, thus must be prevented at any cost.
Tran, you deviated from the specified prompt discussion. There are no problems and solutions to be discussed. The only requirement is that you discuss the message of this new development in sports mindset and how it affects those who play sports. Where in the original prompt did you get the idea that you were supposed to present a solution to the problem? Here is the appropriate prompt representation that should have guided you in the writing of this essay:  
  
*Sports used to be all abut a desire to win and create almost unbeatable world records. However, a change in the mindset of the athletes has been developing. The athletes are now motivated less by a desire to win and break world records and are more interested in the prize money and fame that accompanies these accomplishments. This essay will discuss what message this change in focus has conveyed to the youth. Additionally, a discussion will be presented regarding how the focus on financial rewards has affected the way sports are played.*  
  
Your introduction paragraph starts with the words "In retrospect..." Which indicates that a previous discussion or statement has already been made and a look back is currently underway. Since this is the start of the discussion, that phrase should not have been used. The use of that term forced you to immediately discuss the prompt topic rather than go through the proper format that requires a well developed opening paraphrase instead. Major TA points deductions will take place because of that error.  
  
Your third paragraph, that presents a solution discussion which is not required will also result in a severely lowered TA score. I don't think that this essay would get a passing score in an actual setting because the prompt deviation from the actual task is just too great. The fact that your conclusion continues to highlight the mistake in the discussion format clearly indicates that you did not understand the prompt requirements, did not discuss the topic properly, and that you have a severe problem with your English comprehension skills.
## population in the state of oregon

  
  
A change of population measured in thousands in Columbia, Yamhill and Washington from 1940 until 2000 is provided in the line graph. Overall, the number of people in all countries experienced upward trends over the period. However, the figure for Japanese people took place as by far the most significant growth in population.  
  
In 1940, There was a noticeable growth in Washington population with three-fourths of total population, while for Columbia and Yamhill, population growth halved of Washington's people. These figures saw the same number of population in Washington in the eventual year. In 2000, the bracket of Washington rocketed to threefold of population in 1940  
  
A more look at the graph reveals that the figures for Yamhill and Columbia's population witnessed a slight increase at 30 and 45 thousand people respectively in 1970. The reverse was seen in the number of Washington's people growing dramatically to over twice number of the formers. It then reached a peak at the end of the period to hefty 135 thousand people increase.  
  
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