dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Task 2:  
**Some people prefer to spend their lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## living simple life and avoiding change

  
  
Changing the similar points is always a good way in inhabitant's lives although some people fancy staying away from that change in their lives. Personally, I belive the point of views about needing to change are positive views.  
  
If human races who always take their times to do the same, familiar things, their lives will be bored, disinterested despite making their existence more easier and not having any things to think. In their works, they are not the creative, active person, out of date and these personality lead the reason why the employees will not gain promotion or they will find that the jobs no longer exist.  
  
The way they live more interestingly, fascinatingly if human beings always have the different lifestyles. For example, the society in every countries has been developed in the beneficial trend in recent years because of having the government, the leaderships who take steps to innovate their nations. Moreover, the changes will have had made workers be a manager, a senior if they usually have udapted the new developments in their career. Besides, the residents will have had a lot of good facilities in public if the science, technology and service of health care have been not only increased in number but also improved the quality such as in working conditions or property growth.  
  
In conclusion, the point of my view, having the changes should become the intergral feature in almost every househould in the world.  
  
Task 1:  
The given charts illustrate information on the number of marriages and divorces in the USA between 1970 and 2000, and the wedded status of mature Americans in two of the years.  
  
The first chart shoes a noticeable decrease in marriages from 1970 to 2000 (2.5 millions downto 2 millions). The divorced number between 1970 and 2000 remained constantly at around one millions excepting the year 1980 - just under 1.5 millions. In 1970 and 1980, the marriages had the trend stabilizing at 2.5 millions.  
  
The marital status of adult Americans is seen in 1970 and 2000 as a significant difference. The married percentage in both of two years was the highest rate - 70% and approximately 60%. The citizens who never married and divorced had the higher figure in 2000 than 1970 ( never married: 20% in 2000, about 12% in 1970, divorced: roughly 10% and 2%, in 2000 and 1970 respectively) while the widowed percentage of inhabitants in USA in 1970 rose slightly in comparison with the ratio in 2000.
Minh, we only review one essay per thread in this forum. That is a set rule that cannot be changed. So I will not be reviewing your Task 1 essay. I will focus on your Task 2 essay instead since that is at the top of the page. Please delete the second essay and post it separately for a more accurate review of that work.  
  
Your Task 2 essay will get a score of 1 in the overall consideration. The essay that you presented, while somewhat representing the original prompt, does not accurately follow the instructions you were given for the discussion. You provided a personal opinion essay throughout your work, without the discussion of the two points of view prior to that. This was clearly instructed in the original prompt requirement.  
  
The examiner will immediately see this mistake and come to the realization that you are not capable of understanding English based instructions yet. As such, he will give you a failing score due to your failure to properly address the task set before you. Since this error falls under the Task Accuracy section of the essay, this is an immediate failing grade and the remaining 3 scoring considerations will no longer be addressed / scored. There is no sense in doing that since you did not follow the instructions given to you in the first place.
Issue: **Some people say that the government should put money on building theatres and sports stadiums. Others argue that they should spend more money on medical care and education. Discuss both views and give your opinion**.  
  
Essay :  
  
## allocating national funds

  
  
Depending on one's own experience, lifestyle, and emotional concern, people have different views on the issue of the government should spend more money on medical care and education rather than on theatres and sports stadiums. From individual perspectives, all these things are important for people, therefore the government should allocate equal resources for both. There are valid arguments on both sides which we will discuss now before rendering my own opinion.  
  
On the one hand, many people who are concerned with this issue set forth the view that basic medical care is very important for the general public. Should people are healthy, they can more work productivity. In particular, the people who live below the poverty line should receive medical aid when they needed. What is more, the elders who have paid taxes throughout their working life need good medical care.  
  
There are some conspicuous factors a well-educated workforce is a key to the development of a country. This means adequate education facilities are well-developed. Perhaps the most impressive example of this is that a number of children from deprived backgrounds who get substandard education usually have manual and face financial difficulties, and as for those who join prestigious universities always have access to more and better job opportunities. What is more, an educated society has less crime and violence.  
  
On the other hand, some people whose opinion is just the opposite assert that theatres and sports stadiums are equally crucial for people. To begin with, it is undeniable that theatrical shows provide entertainment for people to recharge their battery after finishing all types of work obligations and at the same time preserve our culture and tradition.  
  
Last but definitely not least, it should be borne in mind that sports stadiums attract millions of spectators to watch matches every year and, some people would contend athletics can be practised with such constructions. In addition, a profit from theatres and sports stadiums is an effective renewable investment. Nothing could be more obvious than the evidence which is that people spend extra money for entertainments. Therefore, the government should not ignore them.  
  
I firmly commit the notion that, judging from all reasons offered, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion the government should allocate resources for equally crucial these things.
From individual perspectives, all these things are important for people, therefore the government should allocate equal resources for both. => not really clear, you should state that this is your perspective.  
  
There are valid arguments on both sides which we will discuss now before rendering my own opinion. => ought not to use this, just need to note that you will discuss the issue before giving your own opinion.  
  
I might understand the points of you in this essay. Nevertheless, your way of expressing them is not easy to track due to grammatical errors and unappropriate arrangement; an obvious example of this mistake is the third paragraph. You need to practice more on coherence and cohesion.  
  
Another problem is that your usage of vocabulary also needs adjustment. There are various problems in terms of words that can lower your band score.  
  
Last but not least, try to write your essay in just 4 paragraphs, including an introduction, 2 body paragraphs and a conclusion. In each body, you have to state your opinion before explaining it and give examples. In the conclusion, you must paraphrase the topic again and give your opinion about the issue.  
  
Hope this can help you, mate.
Nguyen, a well developed essay that properly discusses the required information as required by the prompt will total 5 paragraphs covering the following:  
  
1. The paraphrased discussion statement;  
2. First opinion;  
3. Second opinion;  
4. Personal opinion;  
5. Concluding statement.  
  
Following the above format will cover all of the necessary discussion requirements of the essay. Depending upon the demands of the prompt, an essay will cover anywhere from 3-4 paragraphs. There is no set rule regarding the number of paragraphs. It varies depending upon prompt expectations.  
  
Your essay is extremely difficult to follow due to the fact that you only present reasons without supporting facts. The lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion will you lost points in your essay. Limit each paragraph to only one reason that is supported by at least 3 more sentences explaining the reason you indicated. That accurately develops the paragraph and falls within the required number of sentences.  
  
The biggest mistake in your essay is that you decided to limit your personal opinion to a single line in your closing statement. The personal opinion must be as well developed as the other paragraphs in order to be accepted as a logical line of reasoning in your essay. With this mistake, you further lost significant points that could have helped you pass this test. A closing statement is just that, a summary of the discussion within 3-5 sentences that does not introduce a personal opinion or new ideas as the introduction of any of those discussions will lead to an extended essay discussion on a paragraph basis instead.
**The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## Percentage of smokers in Someland

  
  
The figure presented for analysis is a line graph. It illustrates the rates of smoking per thousand by sex, in Someland during 1960 to 2000. To better capture their distinctions, the period will be split into two phases - 1960-1975 and 1975-2000.  
  
Overall, smoking rates for both genders converged around 200 per thousand. In 1960, much higher prevalence of smoking was found among males than females, over half versus below one in ten. Yet the disparity was rapidly narrowed, though never eliminated, over the course of next four decades when fewer men continued to light up but more women took it up.  
  
At the beginning of phase one, 600 out of every 1000 men smoked, while less than 100 per 1000 women did so. The next 15 years saw a steady drop in male smoking rate, to 500 per 1000 in 1975. The prevalence of women who puffed, however, tended in the opposite direction, stepping up to its all-time high at marginally above 300 per 1000 when the phase ended.  
  
Into phase two, men became more comparable to women in smoking rate, as male smokers shrank at more than double the rate female ones did. Female smoking rate held stable for 15 years before eventually sliding back to 200 per 1000 in 2000. But among males, the prevalence of smoking underwent a constant decline, to approximate 240 per 1000 in the same year.  
  
**I would more appreciate it if you score my essay. Now I challenge myself to pursue a 8.**  
  
*
Gang, I think you are looking at a 7 to 7.5 essay here. There were some portions that you forgot to mention in the summary overview, such as the instructions for the discussion (make comparisons where relevant, etc.). Also, since this is an academic paper, do not use the term "sex" to describe the male and female listing for comparison. Instead, use the more academically respectful term "gender" and then indicate male and female. If there is an "Others" section of the gender assignment, indicate that as well.  
  
Always present the data in chronological form. So that means the overall trend discussion should be placed in the last section of the paragraph. The trending discussion is always last in presentation because that showcases the overall analysis of the given information. By first presenting the individual information, per section, you will allow the reader to better understand and also, expect the trending paragraph towards the end.  
  
Good work! You should be writing band 8 score essays in no time. By the way, since the word 8 starts with an "E" the correct term is 'I challenge myself to pursue AN 8." Remember your "A" and "AN" grammar lessons in school ? "A" for consonant starting words. "An" for vowel starting words.
\* What is your approach to problem-solving, and how does it work for you? Use specific details to support your response.  
  
**Essay:**  
  
## patience - the crucial key

  
  
Our lives can go as smooth as silk at times, yet, they tend to be harder and thicker at other times. We might face issues and problems. However, there is one paramount key that eases off all harsh situations. It is patience.  
  
Patience is a strong term, sometimes tough to explain. A question is asked; what does patience have to do with problem solving?  
  
It is the most fundamental when solving complicated issues. Learning how to be patient gives you the tools to manage your time wisely, find out, specifically, what is making you harm and, crucially, leads you to not lose your nerve when you are surrounded by worries and fears. For instance, looking through all successful people careers' debut, we can all agree on the fact that their progress was hard to achieve and their patience fed their hopes and dreams to be great so as they got through all the barriers they faced throughout their road to succeed  
  
In addition, patience can take a wholly vast meaning as it symbolizes hope to change and to get over life issues. It is all about highlighting you problem solved and never taking your eyes off of it. I, personally, never doubt that I would figure out a way to change and correct my mistakes. That is how my beliefs and patience push me to keep on going.  
  
To wrap up, people deal with problems in a variety of different ways. Yet, if you lack the crucial key called patience, you might end up being torn apart by the stakes and risks along the way.
The prompts asks you to answer "how does it work for you?". In your case, "how does patience solve problem for you". Thus you should have taken yourself as an example, explaining the way patience helps you overcome hardships.  
  
However, in your third paragraph, you always wrote about "you". As a respondent, you should have used "I". Just because, say, when I asked "how are you?", you are supposed to answer "I'm fine", not "you are fine".
Majd, you are writing an academic essay. Therefore, the response needs to be direct and informative. You need not bother with flowery introductions to the topic as you do here. You are not only wasting space on the page, you are also wasting valuable time in developing your essay response. Since the reviewer will have only a few moments to decide whether or not to continue reading your essay, it is best to represent your response as soon as possible with this first paragraph. For a TOEFL essay, the first paragraph must only contain the following information DIRECTLY:  
  
1. A restatement of the prompt - e.g People have different approaches to problem solving.  
2. Introduction to the discussion - e.g.I have a particular approach to problem solving that works very well well for me.  
3. Subject sentence - e.g. By applying patience to problem solving, I come up with the required solution to the problem.  
4. Additional information - e.g. I will discuss how patience helps me solve problems by presenting details below.  
  
Now, as Gang mentioned you need to use the pronouns "Me, myself, and I" within the paragraphs, in the most applicable forms because this essay is all about your opinion, your experiences, your reasons. Therefore, ownership of all statements is a requirement. Your generalized presentation does not bode well for the final consideration of your score because you have not given specific instances within the essay that relate to your experience of problem solving through patience.  
  
Again, the mistake in the concluding statement. It is not the place for additional information. Just sum up the discussion points in the essay and close. Sum up:  
  
1. The topic discussed  
2. The response you gave  
3. A summary of your reasons  
4. closing sentence.  
  
You almost fulfilled this requirement in your closing paragraph. The problem is that instead of saying "It is because of these reasons that I believe patience helps me solve problems." You created a new point of discussion by saying,  
  
Yet, if you lack the crucial key called patience, you might end up being torn apart by the stakes and risks along the way.  
That created the opening for a whole new discussion instead of simply closing out the discussion.
**Full time university students spend most of the time studying. They should be doing other activities too  
To what extend do you agree or disagree.**  
  
## balance between study and other activities

  
  
Nowadays, the higher the academic achievement is, the more opportunities for work we have. Thus, students in universities try to study as hard as possible. It is not a negative trend, however, the amount of time for other activities is also reduced. This essay will point out the importance of both study and other activities.  
  
There is no doubt about how useful knowledge we gain in universities influences our lives. In term of working in a fiercely competitive environment, the opportunities only belong to people who get greater learning than any others. In addition, person who spends more time to study will receive better level of university leaving certificate which can decide how much salary they earn. Furthermore, students usually have approximate 4 or 5 years in university to gain an enormous amount of knowledge in their areas then use most of their learning through the latter part of lives. This period of time is not enough for students to study, much less other activities.  
  
In contrast, knowledge we gain in university is not the only factor which ensures our success, but skills we learn from other activities may be much more important. Knowledge shows the ability to remember and understand while skills demonstrate how we deal with problems in actual work. The best way to learn skill is participating in useful activities. For instance, playing sports such as soccer or volleyball can improve working in group skill, helping the poor can enhance our sympathy and compassion. In addition, students show their responsibilities for community through their valuable activities.  
  
Overall, activities should be consider as important as study for students in university. A wise student needs to balance time between study and other activities perfectly to gain not only broad range of knowledge but also necessary skills for their future.
Quan, your Task Accuracy score for this essay will a a 1. Which means the whole essay gets a failing grade. That is a failing score indeed. Before you fly off the handle and get irritated, please let me explain how this happened. You see, there was an original prompt that was given to you for discussion. It clearly stated that you were to discuss the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the statement in the prompt. Rather than following the instructions for discussion that you were given, you instead created your own discussion requirement by indicating in your opening statement that the essay would "point out the importance of both study and other activities.". You ended up writing a compare and contrast essay when that is not what was required of you.  
  
That is not what the original instructions are. Review the requirements. You did a 360 degree prompt deviation. That is why the overall score for the essay ended up as a failing mark. If you do not discuss the essay in the manner provided in the original prompt, then you will get a failing mark in the TA portion. In which case, the examiner will no longer have to score you on the rest of the scoring criteria. You already proved that you do not have the ability to understand English instructions because you deviated from the required discussion and its appropriate presentation. There is no way this essay would pass an actual test.
Dear Holt, many thanks for your useful advice, it helps me a lot. I re-wrote the essay and hope to receive your comments  
  
Nowadays, high academic achievement give students more opportunities for their work in the future. As a results, students try to study as hard as possible, thus they have less time for other useful activities. Some people believe that it is better to encourage students to do some activities beside studying. I totally agree with this opinion  
  
Activities is really necessary for student life. Firstly, useful knowledge we gain in universities is not the only factor (...) Secondly, students show their responsibilities for community through their valuable activities. For example, students can spend their free time time to help the old in local area, these activities is the best way not only to ease theri loneliness, but also to enhance student's sympathy and compassion. Finally, activities keep students more active by providing them chances to express their creativity and preventing them from being bookworms.  
  
Overall, activities should be consider as (...)