dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
A couple of key revisions...  
  
In your first paragraph:  
  
[...] there are 190 000 job vacancies that require a college degree. This has raised over the years. On the other hand, jobs that do not require the degree decreased to almost 6 million. There are numerous debates about whether or not a college degree is necessary. [...] Conversely, some think that the degree is unnecessary because they believe that it does not guarantee a well-paid job. [...]  
  
Notice that you do not need to continuously and repeatedly mention college degree altogether because it you can opt for using synonymous terms and changing around the structure of your sentences. Additionally, you should also evade using words that have more academic alternatives. For instance, *not necessary* should instead be *unnecessary*. These are minute mistakes, however it can benefit your essay exponentially.  
  
When you're citing sources, it should always be placed at the end of sentences. Evade putting it elsewhere.  
  
Try transitioning your paragraphs in a different manner also. The structure and manner you have right now is quite confusing; I'd rather that you use proper transition words such as "moreover" in order to showcase a more explicit movement between your paragraphs. Doing this can also enhance your essay's flow.  
  
Best of luck.
## Online retail sales

  
  
*The two pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
The two pie charts give information about the shopping sales on the Internet by reatiling in four different sectors in Canada between the year 2005 and the year 2010.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the sales of electronic and appliance and the home furnitures increased slightly while two other sectors dropped suddenly over the period.  
  
In 2005, the electronic devices held the largest part by 35% of the total percentage, but after five years there was a sudden reduce in sales to just short of 30%. As for Home Furniture sector, the figures was at 25% in 2005, however, in 2010, less peoples bought the furniture on online this number declined to only 15% of the share.  
  
The Food and Beverage and Video Games markets, by comparison, were obiviously upwards. In 2005, the percentage of those sectors were 22% and 18% respectively. There was an maked improvement in 2010, the food and beverage represented at 32% and video games was the next highest at 23%.  
  
Thank you in advance for helping me improve my writing task 1 in Ielts !  
  
*
Maximize your space for essay writing through omitting the usage of words that are unnecessary. Evade repetitive lines that drag your content. Especially because you are doing an analytical essay, a straightforward and yet informative approach will bring you optimized results. Learn to transition your sentences.  
  
**Let's revise a couple parts.**  
The two pie charts give information about internet shopping sales in retail in four different sectors in Canada between 2005 and 2010.  
  
Overall, it is clear that sales of electronics, appliances, and home furniture increased slightly - while the other two sectors dropped over the same period.  
  
*There is no need to place an article before home furniture.*  
  
In 2005, electronic devices held the largest sales with 35%. After five years, sales fell to 30%. [...]  
  
Notice how straightforward that sentence structure is. Doing this is helpful when you're simplifying your content. This is especially useful if you are beginning only with tests. Play around with complexity later on once you are comfortable with this pattern.  
  
Best of luck.
## READING BENEFITS

  
  
Reading books is an importan habit today. It's affect directly to the development of the civilization of mankind by its advantages . Let us start by considering the fact: Reading is better insight into the society. The majority of people claim that reading helps much in improving knowledgement. By the way, we can make it clearly to find that reading sharpens our knowlegde and skills. Thus, human can learn the experiences from the past's failure and avoid it. Last but not least, we can relax by reading as it's definitely interesting. In conclusion, reading is totally useful.
Grammar and composition would both need to be worked on. Try to also use formal/academic language to establish an informative tone. While you have satiated the base requirements for a paragraph-long essay, you need work on your substantiation to create more concrete content.  
  
**Let's revise a couple of points in your essay.**  
[...] It has affected directly the development of civilization. Mankind has been immersed to its advantages. Because reading has brought in-depth insight to society, reading certainly has assisted in the improvement of knowledge. It is vivid that reading has sharpened our knowledge and skills. This has enabled human beings to learn from the experiences and failures of the past to potentially avoid it in the future. Moreover, reading has brought relaxation to our lives. Because of this, we may conclude that it is a useful task to partake in.  
  
Words such as by the way and the phrasing of the third sentence are all inappropriate when you're constructing formal tones in your essay. Ensure that you will always try to evade these concerns through following through with conventions and rules.  
  
Best of luck.
Can someone please correct this essay? Thank you.  
  
## learning methods comparison

  
  
Nowadays, we all have the opportunity to learn things by ourselves using several sources.  
Finding the informations we need is really simple. The good old libraries and book stores are still very helpful. Furthermore, books can be substituted by ebooks that can be stored in our phones and tablets.  
  
The informations we need can also be found in Intenet without spending money. The web is full of free material: there are plenty of sites, videos and podcasts about all the topics we can imagine.  
  
I have no doubt that learning by ourselves has never been so easy.  
Learning by ourselves has another great advantage: we can study whenever we want and manage our study time how we want. For example, we can consult a site during our brake from work or while we are travelling. If we have a tight deadline we can also study at night.  
  
Nevertheless, learning with a teacher has benefits too. Teachers have a greater knowledge. He is well-qualified and prepared. He has the ability to convey in a clear and concise way. A teacher can also solve our doubts with the right answers, help us with the most difficul topics and motivate us.  
  
On the opposite, we have to meet the teacher's need regarding the organization of the lessons and the time spent with him is obviously limited.  
  
To sum up, learning with a teacher has greater advantages and it's the learning method I prefer.
Make your essay more academic by avoiding "we" and "I".  
For example: 1. Nowadays, ~~we all have the opportunity to ...~~ The availability of information through various sources enables people to learn by themselves.  
  
2. ~~I have no doubt that learning ...~~  
Yet self-learning is not easy.  
Also, you should have explained the bullet sentence "I have no doubt that ... so easy."; You may elaborate the difficulties people may go through when they try to teach themselves.  
  
You have generated some brilliant ideas. Explain and justify them.
@alessandra\_dac  
**Try to merge together similar sentences to create more substantive paragraphs.** Alongside this, you should also create a more inductive pattern for your essay. Doing so will enable you to have more direction and flow as you are curating your sentences. Once you have done this, I would also recommend that you add a brief introduction to what the structure of your essay would be right from the beginning. You only introduced this portion at the end of your essay as a concluding remark. I would recommend that you try to incorporate it earlier so that the development of your content would be directed towards this.  
  
**Let's try to revise a couple of parts:**  
Nowadays, we have the opportunity to learn things by ourselves using multiple ways. While libraries and book stores are helpful, there is increased accessibility to information because of digitization. The internet has made learning materials free to use.  
  
[...]  
Learning by ourselves lets us manage our time. We can study when it's most productive for us - whether it's in consulting sites during work breaks or travel days. This has also allowed us to study at night if we run on tight deadlines.  
  
While it's important to have concise language when you're writing, **it's also important to keep an academic tone**. Ensuring that you have conventional sentence structures is a fruitful way to hit both at the same time.  
  
**Keep these in mind as you are writing.** Best of luck.
## Satisfaction With Health Systems In Four Nations

  
  
The line graph illustrates the percentage of people who were satisfied with the medical system in Canada, the Netherlands, the United Kingdom and the USA in 1991, 1998 and 2006.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the satisfaction level in Canada and the Netherlands decreased whereas they increased slightly in the UK and the USA during the period shown. However, people were more satisfied with the healthcare system in Canada and the Netherlands than in the UK and the USA.  
  
In 1991, Canada had the highest proportion of people being happy with the medical system, reaching 57% while just about 10% of satisfaction level in the USA which was the lowest. The level of satisfaction in the UK and The Netherlands were around 28% and 48% respectively. Then the satisfaction level in Canada dropped dramatically to approximately 22% in 1998 after that it rose steadily to 30% in 2006.  
  
The percentage of people being happy with the healthcare system declined slightly to around 45% in 2006 before increasing to about 52% in 1998. However, there was an upward trend in the level of satisfaction in the USA and the UK, reaching 15% and 29% respectively in 1998. After that, these figures remained stable until 2006.  
  
Thank you in advance to help improving my writing skills  
  
*
In terms of data interpretation, I recommend that you be more wary of your phrasing of words. Being more specific and creating delineations can go a long way. For instance, when you are concluding that both the Canada and the Netherlands have both decreased within the period, you can mention how the former country was able to recover while the latter has steadily declined after its peak. Creating these more specific observations can help you have more control over your essay's structure.  
  
**For instance, you can revise the second paragraph as:**  
It is clear that satisfaction levels in Canada and the Netherlands have decreased - with the former experiencing a slight recovery from 1998 to 2006. The United Kingdom and the United States, on the other hand, have experienced a gradual increase. [...]  
  
Knowing that these tests are bounded by word counts, you can try to make your sentences more concise through merging and omitting words.  
  
**We can try applying these techniques to your third paragraph. I would suggest phrasing it as:**  
In 1991, Canada had the highest proportion of satisfied people with 57%. The USA is considered as the lowest with a mere 10%. [...]  
  
In this revision, you can choose to omit the last sentence regarding Canada's fluctuations in terms of approximate levels of satisfaction as the preceding paragraph already indicated this. **There's no need for you to repeat these data as you have already made mention of them.**  
  
While it's necessary for you to be specific, try to avoid these repetitions to optimize the space you have for working.  
  
Best of luck.
Hi, the following text is the methods section of my essay about Factors that Influence the Destination Choice of International Students.  
Please give me your opinion on the structure and language about this writing. Cheers!  
  
## studying abroad - identifying students choices

  
  
Methods  
  
This project aimed to identify key pull factors affecting students' study abroad choices and the relative importance of these factors. It further attempted to examine the difference in attitude between exchange and degree students towards these variables.  
  
Respondents are non-British undergraduates in a university in northeast England. Students who were on pathway programs were excluded, because their aims (INTO Study, 2019) were distinct from those of exchange and degree students. 12 respondents were selected, whose demographic features are shown in Tables 1 and 2. The sample covered 7 different countries and 7 courses in order to be representative of the whole international student population. Same number of exchange and degree students were recruited to compare the two groups of students.  
  
Questionnaires comprised of 10 questions were sent to respondents via email. Respondents were asked about basic information pertaining to their courses in Newcastle University, why they decided to study abroad, and why they chose the UK as study-abroad destination. To quantify students' valuation of determinants, a diamond-ranking survey was conducted. Respondents were asked to rank provided factors according to how much they value these variables. Out of 9 common factors, they were asked to select one most important factor, 2 second-most important, 3 third most important, 2 second-least important, and one least important. Respondents were also asked to explain why they valued each factor as such.
You had a comprehensive output on describing your methods. I would only recommend that you try revising to create more structure and/or dimension to your writing. Alongside this, you would also be able to create more concise sentences.  
  
When you're describing methods, I would also suggest that you try to use present tense - not unless, of course, the study has already been accomplished fully. If it's a proposal or an intuitive academic essay, this is appropriate.  
  
APA citations should always be placed at the end of the sentence - never in the middle.  
  
Try to always use full words instead of numerical symbols to make it more formal.  
  
**Let's try to implement these suggestions, so you may see what I am referring to.**  
  
[...] Students who are on pathway programs were excluded as their aims are distinct from the target audience (INTO Study, 2019). Twelve respondents are selected [...]. The sample covers seven different countries and courses to be representative of the international student population. [I suggest inserting here a brief explanation of why this method maximizes representation.] The same number of exchange and degree students were recruited for comparative purposes.  
  
Notice how using specific terminologies can help you cut down your language. For instance, instead of needing to mention that the exchange and degree students are to be recruited to be compared to this and that, you can simply say that it is for comparative purposes; this is more self-explanatory and simpler overall.  
  
Try to implement these techniques. Best of luck.
## children obesity rate is increasing

  
  
Many children in industrialised nations are gaining weight. In this modern era, Obesity is a serious concern for these nations. In this essay, I will discuss ins and outs, its effects along with the some similar cases, which I observed and gained through my experience.  
  
In modern world, First of all children's lifestyle are changing drastically, many inventions in the technology and scientific world has brought much comfort in their daily life style. Food industry is not behind in such inventions; many food industries are come with the processed food such as in dairy product cheese, processed sauces, meat. On the other hand, Parents are too busy in working and not getting sufficient time for cooking. They feels it easy to buy these processed and easy to cook meal, which saves their time and energy to cook the fresh meal. Due to these children are getting habituated for eating this food which is getting adverse impact to their health in gaining weight.  
  
Secondly, Due to inventions in the computer and electronics gadget such as smart mobile phone, Xbox and Sony PS4, They are engaging themselves in these electronic worlds due to which children's habits are changing they don't feel to go for outdoor activities and play. By seating at place and eating the processed food are causes for increasing obesity. I would like to add one of my experience, After shifting to Canada I have found in neighbor there is family who are having 2 daughters. I have seen them many times eating processed food, such as ready to cook curry vegetable or beans and bread. They said it is quite convenient to cook and saves their much time.  
  
Since, there is no physical activities and unhealthy eating life style, children obesity rate is increasing which will leads to many concerns for healthy nation and countries economic growth.
The structure and formatting of your sentences are off at times. I recommend that you try to be more concise with your words.  
  
Remember that you are not supposed to capitalize nouns. Capitalization is reserved for pronouns, acronyms, etc. For instance, you do not need to capitalize obseity and the word due. But you were on point with capitalizing Canada. Knowing these delineations is vital when you are writing academic essays.  
  
I have also noticed that you have a tendency to use sentences that are quite complex. While these are acceptable, I recommend that you try to utilize simpler terms to have more a firm, substantiated format than relying simply on complexity to have leverage.  
  
**Let's apply a couple of these recommendations.**  
  
**In your first paragraph:**  
Children in industrialized nations are gaining weight. Obesity is turning into a vital concern. This essay is an in-depth discussion of the issue, capped with my personal observation.  
  
Technological and scientific innovations has brought a lax lifestyle that has changed drastically children's lifestyles. In addition, the food industry is swarmed with processed foods from meats to sauces. Parents' exhaustive lifestyle has made it difficult to find time to cook fresh meals; it has become easier to quickly buy in stores than to spend time cooking. Children have become numb to the food, causing adverse health effects.  
  
In terms of content, while I appreciate the effort of inserting your own experience, I do think that the insertion of this into the text is quite off the track. I would recommend that you try to use more substantial and heavy weight examples such as mentioning an instance in your life wherein someone was burdened with obseity because they were focused on their work. Discussing these more in-depth examples would give you more leverage.  
  
**I would also recommend that you change your concluding remarks to something similar to:**  
The lack of physical activities accompanied with unhealthy eating habits has led to long-term concerns for the nation. Because the labor force thrives on productivity, ensuring that the people are able to maximize and function effectively is pivotal.  
  
Best of luck.
Your grasp of language is to be appreciated. Aside from this, however, I would recommend that you try to revise a couple of portions that seem to not flow organically.  
  
For instance, let's try these lines:  
Meiko, a little Japanese girl, had her hand hurt when America dropped an atom bomb to two cities in Japan. [...] She called calligraphy the fifth treasure; it made her brush dance across the paper to fill the word-pictures with life. After the horrid accident, Meiko felt as if she has lost the fifth treasure, making her incapable of controlling the brushstrokes the way she used to.  
  
When you're mentioning numbers, it's more formal to write it out rather than putting the number as is. You should also try to have more hold with how descriptive you make your words out to be. Try to always follow conventional rules in writing, ensuring that you create complete thoughts as you compose.  
  
In your second paragraph:  
Meiko had to live with her grandparents at the farm. Her parents stayed behind in the city to treat patients from the bomb. She had lost her desire to go to school as students were taunting her for her oddly-shaped hands. A guy named Akira continuously scowled at her. Yoshi, her best friend, tried to help her regain her confidence.  
  
Her school had conducted a contest on brush strokess; Yoshi immediately nudged her to join. While Meiko was initially reluctant, being taunted by her Aunt Hisako made her change her decision. "You don't want to be a coward, don't you?" She said.  
  
You can try to observe the techniques that I had used in these paragraphs and implement them to the rest of your essay. Best of luck.
Dear all, I would welcome any suggestion for my IELTS essay.  
  
**Questions:  
Present a written argument or case to and educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:  
It is Important for children to learn difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behavour to children?**  
  
## teaching how to distinguish good from bad

  
  
Answer:  
Time after time, the public is surprised with a devastating issue on moral education. The society is faced with the TV program on criminality and wrong deeds. People tend to blame education and its elements such as teachers and other educational systems as the main causing factors. One of the proposed concepts, which has proliferated is the implementation of punishment in an educational system to teach young learners good and bad deeds. This essay rebates the use of punishment as an education tool from psychological and socio-cultural factors.  
  
Punishment is defined as an activity, which gives sanction after the action of wrong-doing, or it is such an act of punishing. Mostly punishment is represented by beating and scolding. It has a negative psychological impact on children. First, it may create a big gap between teacher-and students relationship. Young children with instability emotion might feel depressed and rejected with their misbehaviour. They might assume that teachers and surroundings hate existence and attitude. They might tend to blame themselves and be a concern with the future action. Not to mention, they feel reluctant and hate themselves.  
  
Second, the punishment would be terrified in some conditions, in which the students may see it as legal action. It could be worse if the action is largely done in a community. The act of giving unpleasant action to children more and more would form a generation who see punishment as a common action, which does not break the role. This may have another side in which society will not live in harmony.  
  
Based on the reasons above, I would disagree with any implementation of punishment as a mean to educate young learners about good and bad deeds. I would say no to this notion and prefer another way to teach good and bad such as using a polite expression.  
  
I would be happy if you give positive feedback for developing my writing skills. Thank you