dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## robots efficiency is limited

  
  
As technology is advancing each year with new gadgets or machines, they are easing out the work of their master. Work in factories that take ages to complete, now are matter of seconds. One field of technology known as robotics are becoming the major source of productivity in industries.  
  
As robots are becoming reality nowadays, some employers and employees think that such advance technology has helped them significantly. As robots started handling dangerous and unpleasant jobs, the amount of risk and pressure onto humans has drastically reduced. Tasks which needed many helping hands, is solely done by one machine and at a better pace. All out of it, employers are the ones who are getting bigger slice of the cake. These machines are about to give maximum input and much lesser rate.  
  
On the contrary, some employers think that these machines are robbing them of their livelihood. They fear that employers will prefer robots over them in days to come. At some point i do agree to their predication. As robots are able to perform at better pace and their efficiency is much higher than humans, they may take over some work that were assigned to humans. But according to me, they cannot outgrow the human mind.  
  
Robots need instructions to do a particular task, and theses can be only given by humans. Like children, robots also need adult supervision to do a task in an efficient manner. They still fail to interpret problems and adapt to conditions, in which humans are masters. Robots can do only certain jobs and they do not have the power to adjust according to the current situation . Humans on the other hand are able to perform well even if they have to mood themselves for some time. They are flexible and think of different ways to Doha particular job.  
  
Overall, robots are efficient machines, but their efficiency is limited to certain extend. Whereas humans being their creators always have an upper hand on them. It can either be in terms of supervision or making changes related to the present needs.
Mike, this was a pretty well developed analytical essay of a given topic. The essay had a bump in its otherwise flawless presentation when you said; "According to me...". Since the phrase indicates that someone else is giving you this information that you are presenting, you cannot use that term. You cannot quote yourself. The phrase actually indicates the beginning of a quote in a sentence, so it is improperly used in your essay. The best phrase to have used to refer to what you were thinking was either "In my opinion" or "As far as I am concerned" or perhaps, "Based upon my understanding". These are some of the variations you could have used to indicate that you were stating a personal point of view at that point in the essay. No matter though. The work you did is above average in terms of representing the discussion question and the various considerations in terms of the success of robots taking over human jobs in the future. Good work. I hope you can continue to improve your writing skills. Your grammar and sentence structure problems are minimal at this point. In fact, these could be considered negligible because your paragraphs are well developed and easily understood, even with the existing problems. There was no impediment present that would have made it difficult to understand what you were saying.
***The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australia's share of the Japanese tourist market.***  
  
## Japanese tourism growth

  
  
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of Japanese visitors to foreign countries within a 10 year period, 1985 to 1995, while the line graph gives information on Australia's market share of Japan's tourism. Units are measured in millions of people.  
  
Overall, the number of Japanese travelers showed a steady increase over the period given, besides 1991, becoming almost four times higher in 1995. Similarly, Australia's share of Japan's tourist market rose marginally and skyrocketed in 1994, even though there was a slight fall in 1989 and 1995.  
  
Regarding tourists coming from Japan, those began at just over 4 million in 1985 and grew gradually until 1990, when they surpassed 10 million. However, a minor decrease can be seen in 1991, as Japanese tourists were just above 10 million. Despite this, their percentage started rising again in 1992 at approximately 12 million, before reaching its peak of nearly 16 million in 1995.  
  
Additionally, although Australia's portion on Japanese tourism started at just 2% in 1985, it increased steadily throughout the years and doubled in 1989. It also experienced a downward tendency at only above 4% in 1990, but a ceaseless growth is observed afterwards, hitting the highest point of just over 6% in 1994. Nevertheless, a mild deduction at exactly 6% is noticed in 1995.  
  
*
Athanasia, this essay is so severely incomplete in terms of informing the reader that it was not worth the time that it took you to develop the essay. There are way too many inconsistencies in your presentation and you did not even bother to use the information provided to you in the bar graph in most instances. I am not sure why you presented such a disconnected summary of the discussion. It created a very hard to understand representation of the information you were given.  
  
Let's start with the opening paragraph. You did not indicate that two charts were provided for the report. Neither did you completely indicate the two types of measurements used for each chart. The trending statement should have been indicated in the summary overview as that would have helped you to meet the maximum 5 sentence requirement in the paragraph and also show that you intently reviewed the images for information, which was placed in the correct area of the summary report.  
  
In the paragraph about the visitors from Japan, you tended to merely mention the high, mid, and low points, without indicating the actual figures from the chart. Whenever actual figures are provided, you must use those in the report as part of your analysis. There is no accurate information provided when you provide estimates instead of figures. When this report is potentially handed off to someone who needs to use the information, he will find that the summary you wrote does not have any usable figures in it. The examiner will also see this and lower the score accordingly for your test.  
  
You cannot use the term "additionally" when you speak of the figures from Australia because those figures are not related to the Japanese visitor information. You should have used a transition paragraph in order to indicate the change of information from Japan to Australia. Something along the lines of:  
  
*While the previous graph shows the number of Japanese tourists in a general nature, I will now analyze the data pertaining to Japanese tourists that have visited Australia. Within this graph, I will be looking at the percentage of Japanese tourists who have come to Australia. It would appear that there was a rising trend in the number of visitors within the same year period for Japanese tourists in Australia.*  
  
Then you could have discussed the year on year line graph percentage information in comparison to the millions of Japanese travelers or, just simply offered a summary of the information from the line graph. Whatever method you chose to discuss it, the transition paragraph would have really helped in directing the attention of the reader and assisting them in keeping track of the information that you present.
## Why I want to be dentist.

  
  
Everyone has a dream, so they will have many different reasons why they want to be that career. Like most people. I have many reason why I want to be dentist. I think the most important reason I want to be dentist are three thing and I will tell you.  
  
Dentist is my personal favorite. I like to work with art and craft and work in health science line. Moreover dentists have the opportunity to own my own businesses. Like this career have included many of my liking.  
  
This career can help people. There will be patients coming for take recovering the oral health. After they are treated by me, they can smile confidently. That is my happiness. Without them saying thank you, I could be happy because I gave him good oral health and could smile or have confidence every day after take recovering the oral health.  
  
This career is comfortable to live. Because we have chosen to do what we like, when we have to work. We will be happy with this job and the dentist is still a stable job. not unemployed and what I need so much is that I can have enough money to bring my family take a trip together in many places. Which is my dream since childhood.  
  
Finally is the dream that I want to be a dentist. Will be come true or not is  
To be true or to be just a dream depends on diligence and my intentions. Hopefully these reasons will motivate me to enter university in the Faculty of Dentistry. And have done what love
Janjie, this is very weak personal statement for application to dental school. In a personal statement, you must show the development of your interest in dentistry. That means, explain when you first developed an interest in the field, why your interest grew, and how you have been trying to follow this passion prior to attending dental school. Who inspired this dream of yours? Was it a personal dentist? Or was it a member of your family? Why do call this a "dream"? Is it not achievable by most people in your country? What makes this dream in particular, special to you? Why do you think you can make a difference as a dentist? It isn't just about coming to you for oral care or you owning your business. The universities look for potential students who consider this line of work a vocation. They must truly be dedicated to the field of oral care and have taken great steps to prepare for their future education in this field. I do not see anything in your essay that remotely represents any of these requirements. This is only a draft essay that does not work for the application purpose it was developed for. Start working on a different version. One that better responds to my suggested content so that you will have a better presentation for your essay.
## years at school

  
  
There are several reasons for people to stay at school until they are 18: but the most significant explaination is about the protection of school. This is because if people are under 18, they are still not mature enough and can be easily fall into social evils such as: addiction, scrimmage or pre-age sex.Educational insitution, because of these problems, are responsible for teaching students to stay away from them and leaners will then have a full awareness of various social evils in life.  
  
It is also something suggested that people choosing to study until 18 will have a better opportunity to land a good job.This is because degree, which is a recognition of a study process is often considered as a compulsory factor of every company, especial with the good reputation one.One illustration of this is that the ratio for a man who does not study at least 12 years, wants to work for a company is very low (5%-15%) because he does not even response to one the most basic need of every company.In contrast, the one who study until 18 or even higher is often be appriciated and can get a good job easily.  
  
P/s: i only write 2 body paragraphs because i'm new to IELtS
@Watsup  
You need to work a lot both on the essay's structure and the way you express yourself. Firstly, you need to have, in addition to the body paragraphs, an introduction and a conclusion. Also, avoid grammatical and lexical errors (e.g. be easily fall, educational institution are responsible.  
  
However, you just started preparing for IELTS, there's still a lot to figure out. Practice makes perfect :)
It is useless to write two paragraphs that only pertain to the body of the discussion. That is not going to show me what your problem areas are nor how I can help you improve your writing. You need to provide the complete prompt, make an effort to write the essay in the required manner, and then come here with the completed text for review. You are wasting time and valuable advice by letting your fear of not doing well on the IELTS practice test get the better of you. Sure, you wrote a pretty impressive body paragraph. But how does that apply to the original prompt? Do you have the ability to write a proper paraphrase and opening statement? Do you have the required English comprehension skills to actually write the essay in the manner required? That cannot be assessed by simply reading your 2 paragraphs.  
  
Do not provide data such as percentages in your body paragraph unless you are writing a Task 1 essay. The task 2 essay relies on your knowledge of current and popular events for the discussion. The way that you discussed the essay is acceptable, even though you presented researched information in it, but not coherent nor cohesive because you did not try to develop only one idea per paragraph. You have a series of under developed presentations that do not really help to create a connection body of discussion paragraphs. Your GRA skills are lacking in terms of proper sentence and paragraph development and your vocabulary uses only simple words that are not properly placed in the paragraph and lack the use of connecting and descriptive words that would have helped it make better sense.  
  
The next time you post here, do not waste time and opportunity. Post the full prompt with your fully developed essay. You cannot expect to improve if we will be assessing your work only on the portions you are comfortable writing. In order to help you discover your weak points, you need to take a chance and be prepared to hear that your work has negatives in it. The negative assessments are what you should focus on improving upon with your next practice tests. I am not telling you these information to be mean, I am telling you this because you will not have the chance to get a high level of review for your essay, that you are not paying for, if you do not give me the proper tools with which to assess your work.
## 12 months break from school

  
  
While some students decide to learn at universities after graduating from high schools, there are more and more people who want to have a gap year before going to University. Although it is likely to bring about many benefits, I suppose that the drawbacks are more significant.  
  
On the one hand, there are several reasons leading to the decision of learning delay. The first one is because many students such as Vietnamese ones, have been swamped with a huge amount of knowledge so a year off to relieve stress from studying will help them balance their life. Another explanation for this trend is that some people tend to find a suitable job to prepare enough money for years at college. For instance, living expenses in major cities is extremely expensive, a truth that explains why many students coming from rural areas must take part-time job to meet their basic needs.  
  
On the other hand, the disadvantages of a gap year before college are varied. Firstly, most of students will forget the majority of knowledge because human's brains will fall into passive state after a long time it is not used to think about lessons. Moreover, if a student does not study for a year, he or she will graduate from university late than friends and finding a job opportunity for that student will become more difficult in the future as a consequence.  
  
In conclusion, despite some benefits in terms of relaxation or other demands, taking a year off before college life is not really necessary.
Dat, it would have been of greater benefit to you if you had posted the original prompt that you are responding to, as well that the response that you wrote. At this point, while your essay seems well written to the untrained eye, a highly trained contributor sees potential problems with your presentation. Problems that can only be addressed by knowing what the original prompt is. Since you did not provide a copy of that, the best review that you can be given is a general one, which does not really help you improve your writing style in this essay discussion format but will at least, help you to realize your problem points on a general basis.  
  
All of the ideas that you present in your paragraphs are not completely developed. These are only inferences of a discussion but not a full discussion as is always required by these essays. The reason behind that are the multiple discussions that you provide in the paragraphs. While you are doing your best to show off your knowledge regarding the issue, what the examiner is really looking is your ability to present a line of reasoning, and the ability to support that reasoning in complete English sentences. So the rule of thumb is only one topic per paragraph in order to present a coherent and cohesive discussion.  
  
Your concluding statement continued to introduce a new topic for discussion in relation to the given topic. Therefore, you presented a new paragraph instead of a closing statement. Simply stating "In conclusion" does not create a concluding paragraph if the parameters of the paragraph are not represented. A proper conclusion represents a prompt restatement, a summary of the discussion provided, and a repetition of your personal opinion when required. Under no circumstances are you allowed to present new information in a concluding statement because you do not have the room for paragraph development of a new topic in the concluding paragraph.
Topic: **When new towns are planned, it is important to build more public parks or sports facilities rather than shopping centers for people to spend their free time. To what extend do you agree?**  
  
## parks, sport facilities and shopping centers projects

  
  
Some people argue that when new towns are built up, it is more necessary to construct public parks or sport facilities instead of shopping centers. Personally, I agree that building public parks and sport facilities should be encouraged in new living areas. However, I also believe that launching shopping mall is indispensable in the areas, because each item brings different benefits for society.  
  
On the one hand, building public parks and sport centers is the necessity that will provide people places to do exercises or outdoor activities such as jogging, running, or cycling and so on. This helps residents to be more energetic and their body is relaxed after a long day of a sequence of stressful and pressure works, even, doing exercises help people to prevent the risk of diseases such as diabetes, obesity, or high blood pressure. Therefore, people's health will be improved and the average longevity of population will be higher. Another reason that advocates the idea is boosting interaction among people. Public parks will be places where people have chance to meet others and socialize with them. This is also another effective way that allows residents to relieve stress and pressure.  
  
On the other hand, shopping centers play a vital role in society and they are indispensable in any living regions. That is because shopping malls are considered as suppliers of different kinds of product for people that are used to serve their lives such as foods, cloths, and so on. Thus, to meet the diverse needs of products of people, shopping malls should be invested and built on new town. Moreover, running shopping malls will bring benefits for society. Taxes that government collects from these centers will be used to invest in others such as health care, traffic system, education, etc, and citizens are beneficiaries from this.  
  
In conclusion, parks, sport facilities and shopping centers are the indispensable projects, which government should invest to them, because they own many advantages that society and individuals are beneficiaries.  
  
\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_  
Please, make comments on my text. Thank you in advance.
Nhung, when the essay asks for the "extent" of your agreement / disagreement with the essay, you must include a sense of emotion in your presentation. That means, you need to use terms like "strongly, partially, totally," and other descriptive terms that follow the same lines. To simply say that you "agree" with the point being discussed means you are discussing a different essay. There is an essay that asks you to simply agree / disagree, and then there are essays like these, which require you to discuss an expanded version of your opinion. So, if you say that you "partially agree" with the points being made and conclude the sentence with "several reasons", then you can discuss both sides of the essay. Otherwise, you must only discuss one side of the essay, the side that you support.  
  
While you can discuss both sides of the essay in an "extent" essay, the best type of essay response in this area is one that has a strong opinion regarding one side of the discussion. That is because the single sided discussion shows a conviction of character and a thorough understanding of the prompt requirements. Such a discussion also allows the writer to create more completely developed paragraphs and complex sentences with better vocabulary usage. It is important that you discuss the essay from your strongest suit and that can only be done by using the one sided "extent" discussion. It is the lack of proper reference to the response required that made this otherwise strong essay a weak one.  
  
The closing paragraph, which did not accurately represent the summary of the discussion, points for consideration, and a restatement of your opinion further weakened the essay. You should have aimed to present 3 sentences in the conclusion in order to properly address the complete paragraph requirement of the essay. It is better to write 3 - 5 sentences individually than to risk creating run-on sentences that could lower your score. You created a run on sentence in your closing paragraph, which means you would be getting points deducted in the end.