dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
***There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?***  
  
## the traditional music should be further cultivated

  
  
The existence of varied music in the world nowadays is an inevitable fact. This condition comes from understanding that music has many positive impacts towards human life. For instance, it is believed to make the listener relax, it has spirit, and it also helps people to speak out their ideas. Moreover, there are two different points of views questioning about the importance of traditional and modern music. This essay support people to preserve their traditional music.  
  
The music that often we heard currently is a product of modern music. Modern music is made based on the actual condition appeared nowadays. The purposes written in the modern music actually picture about the love and hate that people build and the failure and struggle that they faced. A current study released by Australia Act Society found that modern music helps 56 percent of people to get rid of negative thoughts because of the written lyrics. However, the study also presents the fact that this type of music does not enhance their affection to their country at all. It is true that the modern music is good o improve the personal feeling of the listener but not gather their feeling to their nation.  
  
Another type of music is traditional music. The traditional music is made to describe the homeland and culture, the struggle and war, and the sad and victory story. The purposes of this type of music are to make the listener became more proud of their country, enhance their nationality, and to increase their spirit in life. A research run by the University of Cambridge in 2016 shows that more than 80 percent athletes listening to their national anthem and traditional music before the match are winning the tournament no matter how they feel about it before. It cannot be denied that the traditional music is great to enhance the personal feelings and nationality of the listener.  
  
To conclude, each type of music has different purposes and written style. People need music because of its positive impact on the listener feel. Moreover, people have to maintain the existence of traditional music and should listen to this type more often because it comes with many benefits personally and nationally.
Lubis, what you wrote is not an IELTS task 2 essay. You wrote a research paper complete with references and paraphrased citations. That is not the essay that the task is asking for. Remember, the actual testing center will not give you internet access. Most of the information you present in this essay comes from intricately researched references. Which, while it makes the information strong, does not help you pass the test. The information for these essays must be comprised of personal knowledge, experience, or opinions. That is why this essay will not get a passing score. Aside from being a research paper, you did not even properly paraphrase the original prompt. Your lack of understanding of the prompt requirement led to one mistake and another in your paper. Which created a seriously non-prompt responsive essay. I can't even score this because I want to give you a chance to show improvement. Try to correct the mistakes you made in this essay in your next essay. That is the one I will offer a more intricate review of. For this essay, it would be best if I point out your mistakes and just advise you to avoid the same mistakes next time.
***The two maps show an island, before and after the construction of some tourist facilities  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant***  
  
## an island development over several years

  
  
Two maps are presented for analysis of how an island was transformed for the purpose of tourism. They each represent what the island looked before and after the construction of tourist facilities. This essay will summarize the key features and draw comparison of change whenever indicated for the reader's benefit.  
  
On the whole, the landscape, once totally undeveloped, went through a significant change. A variety of man-made amenities came into existence while the natural vegetation went untouched. In addition, the sea around was utilized for entertainment.  
  
There came to be a reception close to the center of the island, about 400 meters from its western end. It was flanked by two rings of lodgings, both well-linked with footpaths, and situated at the middle of a newly constructed vehicle track. The route serviced the breadth of the island, connecting a pier to the south and a restaurant to the north.  
  
With regard to the western stretch of sea, the area was meant for swimming off the beach. Trees dotting the island on both its sides were preserved when it became a tourist attraction. However, the whole land was not quite forest-covered.  
  
**I would more appreciate it if you score my essay.**  
  
*
Gang, your task accuracy score will fall under a 5 but the rest of the requirements will see you receiving a 6 at the most. So your final score, depending upon the small details that the actual examiner will consider could be anywhere from a 5 to a 5.5. The reason that your task accuracy score was lowered was because you neglected to give a description of the island prior to its development. This should have been included as the remote island description, which is currently missing at this time. As of now, I am not sure where you got the data regarding 400 meters because what I see in the illustration is a 100 meter from the sea description. You still did a very good job on the analysis and comparison portion of the essay, you just missed out on a key point for descriptive purposes and also misquoted the data in the essay regarding the distance of the beach from the sea. These were the 2 points that eventually, had me marking down your essay.
@Holt  
***Hi. I've just rewritten the essay. Please feel free to give me advice. I try to improve my English proficiency by keeping writing.***  
  
The maps illustrate the transformation of an island due to tourism development. They each represent what the island looks like at different time periods. In this essay, I will summarize the change in natural landscape and artificial amenities, and make a before-and-after comparison.  
  
Overall, the wild island with sparse vegetation has been converted to an adequately equipped tourist attraction. A wide array of facilities is built on land. The sea around is also brought into use.  
  
The scene used to be fairly monotonous. No trace of human touch could be found here. The only decoration for the island was the trees sprinkled on both sides.  
  
However, it comes to life when the tourism project is completed. While the plants remain intact, the beach at the west tip is available for swimming. Approximately 100 meters east is constructed a vehicle to run the breadth of the island, connecting a pier on the south coast and a restaurant to the north. At the midway point is built a reception, flanked by two rings of lodgings, each networked with footpaths.
@Holt  
***Hi. I've just rewritten the essay. I try to develop my own style after carefully reading your model answer. An image has been added here for convenience. Please feel free to give me advice. I try to improve my English proficiency by keeping writing.***  
  
Two maps illustrate an island that has been developed for tourism. Significant differences can be found between before and after the development. In this essay, I will summarize all these changes to provide an insightful comparison.  
  
Overall, the island presented for analysis is a tiny patch of land rising up the surface, about 250 meters in length and 100 meters in width. It used to be a solitary area with small pockets of greenery. Yet now, with the addition of assorted amenities, it has been converted to a tourist attraction.  
  
Before the tourism project, there was no service facility, nor was the beach at the western tip developed. Visitors could not even reach the island that did not have any landing stage for boats. Apart from the sparse palm trees scattered in the east and west, it was utterly destitute of vegetation.  
  
However, the landscape has undergone tremendous transformation as a diverse range of structures and transport routes are constructed. Around 100 meters from the western end is built a pier to greet boats of tourists. They go ashore here before taking a ride up the vehicle track to the reception where they check in.  
  
When the process is finished, they will be driven to the restaurant in the north for dinner or walk to huts at each side to have a rest. The accommodation units form two rings, each well-connected with footpaths that also link the beach, where the water area has become a swimming space. It is worth to mention that the palm trees are not cut down to make way for the development, since the maps demonstrate they remain intact.  
  
**Notes: comparing the maps, I see the trees are unchanged. An observation might differs from your model answer.**  
  
*
Gang, excellent work! Also, the observations will vary per writer so there are no wrong or right presentations. Like I said, this is all about analysis and observations. Two people will analyze and observe in two different ways. No harm, no foul. Everything is good. The person who will read the analysis will take the word of the writer at face value because there is nothing else to base their understanding of the presentation on. Remember, they won't have access to the image so even though we vary in observation, the information will still be similar and useful to the reader. One point for lexical correction though, don't say "destitute" of vegetation because destitute means "poor". The correct term is "devoid" meaning "missing or lacking in". I am not sure that referring to 250 meters in length is a good thing because I could not find any reference to that in the original diagrams. Don't get too creative with your presentation. You have liberties to a certain degree only. Observations may be presented, but assumptions not based on provided information are not. Now, here is the thing. Based upon your presentation, your TA can score a perfect 9. It is fully addresses the task with complete presentations and you presented fully extended ideas that helped the reader to better understand the analytical presentation. The rest of the criteria, falls under an 8 due to the problems that I discussed earlier. You show remarkable developments in your writing skills every time. I hope that you can continue this trend. I will now present you with a challenge which I hope you will accept. Take a new Task 1 topic. One that you have not written about yet. Write an analytical essay on that topic at a level 9 band essay presentation. I think you can do it. I will allow you to pick the essay topic.
**University should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject.  
To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## characteristics of students

  
  
Here's my answer:  
Nowadays, gender equality is an important right for all, and I totally agree with it. However, sometimes this right is exaggerated or even abused in some issues, one of which is the topic. Thus, I disagree that university should accept same men and women in each subjects.  
  
In my opinion, university should be concentrated on of interest, passion and ability rather than the gender of the student because these characteristics are what matters. If it is implemented, the university must strike and balance between male and female in numbers. In order to do so, many students will lose the opportunity to dedicate themselves further, and they will be the sacrifice of the strange regulation. Everybody should have access to university, no matter the race, gender, identity of the student. When the school choose to ignore a competent student due to the regulation of gender equality, it loses the ultimate goal of education and it can no longer be called "school".  
  
In addition, the topic only mentions male and female, and it is unfair for the group of LGBT. They are an independent group of gender, and they should not be cruelly classified to male or female. The gender equality is not just for boys and girls, they should be included as well. University should satisfy their right for education.  
  
To me, the characteristics of students are the most valuable and worth attention. Thus, I think that the university should not accept equal numbers of male and female in every subject. There is something more important to focus on.  
  
Appreciate it for correcting the essay or scoring it in terms of academic IELTS band! :)
I thought your writing was pretty good. I think lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and even transgender people all consider themselves as one gender, either male or female. The only categories your third paragraph would apply to is intersex or non-binary students. If you want to pursue this line of reasoning, I think you have to be more specific than LGBT. And it seems like you are arguing that if there are quotas, there should also be an LGBT quota, but that goes against your whole thesis. Here are some specific suggestions:  
  
I disagree that universities should accept ~~same~~ equal numbers of men and women in each subject.  
  
In my opinion, a university should be focused on {or "should concentrate on ..." }  ~~of~~ interest,  
  
If an equality policy is implemented,  
  
strike a balance between  
  
the sacrifice to the strange {or "be sacrificed by the strange"}  
  
matter the race, gender, or identity  
  
the school chooses to ignore  
  
an independent ~~group of~~ gender group, and they  
  
classified as male or female.  
  
boys and girls, {semicolon here} they should be included  
  
The University should satisfy ...  
  
To me, the characteristics {well, one characteristic is their gender - maybe be more clear as to what characteristics are more important}
Lu, since this is an "extent" essay, you cannot simply say that you disagree. There has a to be a measurement of the disagreement such as "I strongly disagree, I partially disagree, I disagree to a certain extent, I disagree with reservations, etc." That way, the measurement of your discussion will also be indicated. By the way, while you make some pretty good points in your second paragraph, you created a prompt deviation when you discussed the LGBT community. You are not allowed to introduce a new topic for discussion in the essay. Most specially a topic that you chose to introduce which is not directly related to the original prompt discussion. Your opinion does not matter in this instance so the representation of the LGBT community is unwarranted in the essay. It was not part of the original discussion. Do you know what you did by deviating from the original discussion topic and introducing your own topic for discussion in a separate paragraph? You just made sure that the examiner will give your whole essay a failing score due to your inability to follow instructions. I am sad to say that but it is true. The essay will fail because of your severe prompt deviation. Learn to stay within the expected parameters of discussion. Do not go past the borders, you will fail the test. That is guaranteed.
The chart below shows in percentage terms how female employees account for different roles at major tech companies in the United States.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
Write at least 150 words.  
  
NOTE: Amazon does not give out information on its female tech workforce.  
  
## the percentage of women who works in american major tech companies

  
  
The provided chart illustrates the total amount of female employees and the type of work they do in large tech companies within the United States in percentage.  
  
Overall, the percentage of female employees in tech companies varies considerably. The proportion of women who do technology-related job is remarkably small compared to that of leadership.  
  
The company with the most female leaders and technology workers is PayPal, with 33% of their leaders and technology workers being female. While Twitter has almost the same percentage of female leaders, their amount of female technology workers is the smallest. It is also revealed that the lowest percentage of female workers belongs to Microsoft, which also has the lowest amount of female leaders.  
  
To sum up, the percentage of women who works in American major tech companies is relatively small.  
  
*
Thi, this essay is terribly under the 150 minimum word count requirement. You only have 108 words. So this essay would get an automatic failing grade in the actual test. You need to make sure that you write at least 150 words to meet the minimum word requirement. That is not to be confused with the 3 sentence minimum for the individual paragraphs. The maximum sentence per paragraph is 5. In this instance, you do not have a threshed out summary overview and you do not accurately represent all of the numerical percentages, per company in your essay. It is important that you create an accurate paraphrase for the required discussion along with a representation of your understanding of the discussion instructions. At the end of the opening paragraph, make sure that you include the trending statement. It does not really have an impact as a short sentence at the end of the essay. That creates the most informative representation when included in the summary overview. These are the reasons why you did not meet the minimum word requirement. You only presented a percentage for PayPal when all the other companies were also represented in percentage form within the chart. Aim to write at least 4 paragraphs for this sort of essay so that you will have a better chance at a passing grade. 4 is an acceptable number of paragraphs because a concluding statement is not required for a task 1 essay.
@namibdesert  
  
*The provided chart illustrates the total amount of female ...*  
  
your introduction is clear, you already paraphrase it.  
  
*Overall, the percentage of female employees ...*  
  
On the overview, state 2 sentences. Mention the contrast weather the highest or the lowest.  
  
**Summarize the information by selecting and ...**  
  
*The company with the most female leaders ...*  
  
Clearly, you only make general comparison. In the Main paragraph you should present more about the detail.  
  
*To sum up, the percentage of women ...*  
  
In writing task 1, you don't need to summarize.  
  
Here is my suggestion :  
  
Introduction 1 sentences  
overview : 2- 3 sentences  
  
Main paragraph 1 : Tech Job in detail  
Main paragraph 2 : Leadership job in detail  
Main paragraph 3 : Total work force in detail  
  
You will have more than 150 words with this.
Hellooo there.., let give you a few valuable insights into your report.  
  
You need small changes in the way you present your opening paragraph. What you need to do is to introduce your audiences the general view of the chart with good grammar structure. Let me give you an example: *Large tech companies in the United States of America illustrate the proportion of female workers categorized into 3 different areas of work: tech jobs, leadership jobs, and total workforce. As it can be seen from the graph, majority of people engaged in total workforce show the highest percentage. The proportion of females working in the tech employment is close behind leadership jobs all companies, except in the Amazon where tech jobs are no available. The data showing 8 different companies is presented in the bar chart. This essay will compare and contrast the data and be followed by a reason conclusion at the the end.*  
  
~~leaders and technology workers is PayPal, with 33%~~  
*Leadership jobs have almost the same percentages in the two companies: Paypal and Twitter, at 33 and 30 respectively, while the proportion of female workers in Facebook, Apple, and eBay are close behind, with just under a third*.I try to compare and contrast the data shown in the graph. By doing so, then you have covered the question from the prompt. Not answering the question leads to score lower.  
  
It is also revealed  
You need to change this tense into the active one as the latter form brings more clarity when presenting data. Here: This reveals that ...  
  
Hope this helps :)  
  
- Eddy Suaib.
Hello, i have read your great essay about writing task 1, it is good that you try to explain more about the graph. unfortunately your essay less than 150. you should also pay attention to the pattern of writing task 1. in Writing task 1 the sum up is not really need, so use this chance to explain more about the graph maybe you can add more comparison there. you should also pay attention to the opening speech. you should add overall there as an opening to describe what actually happen for all the graph. please search more about the pattern. good luck ^^
Hello namibdesert,  
Like many people have said, you need to add the word to the minimum requirement of 150, or the grade will be low.  
  
You can make it longer in the paragraph 2. Make more overview of the graph, describe general features in the graph instead of detailed ones.  
(Btw, I don't think you need to be more precise when you use the vocabulary 'considerable' because it is too vague for readers.)  
  
The information is a little bit messy in paragraph 3. You can describe more to inform the readers.  
  
Hope that helps~
**Q: The chart below shows numbers of incidents and injuries per 100 million passenger miles travelled (PMT) by transportation type in 2002.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## types of transportation in numbers

  
  
The figure compares the number of incidents and injuries per 100 million passenger miles traveled in 2002, separated by transportation type.  
  
The highest numbers of incidents and injuries happened in demand response, which is 225 incidents and 173 injuries per 100 million PMT and the least is for commuter rail, with 20 incidents and 17 injuries per 100 PMT.  
  
the other types of transportation were heavy rails, with 51 incidents and 35 injuries, Bus with 76 incident and 66 injuries, Light Rails with the same number of incidents, had fewer injuries (90), which makes it safer than bus for travel.  
  
In conclusion, Commuter Rail with the lowest number of incidents was the safest choice, and Demand Response with the highest number of incidents is the most dangerous type of transportation.  
  
*   
*figure*
FBG, I cannot continue assessing your essay at this point because your text did not meet the minimum 150 word requirement. You wrote only 130 words, which means this essay will get an automatic failing grade in an actual test setting. The reason that you did not meet the word requirement is because you have an inadequate overview presentation in your first paragraph. you do not identify the type of image provided, the types of transportation being analyzed, and how you are supposed to perform your analysis. All of your paragraphs are under the minimum 3 sentence requirement, which caused the essay to be shorter than it should actually be. It would have helped if you did not just keep presenting the information from the image without performing even a basic analysis of it. Had you tried to expand the analysis of the images by comparing the figures and finding similarities, the essay would have better fallen under the requisite guidelines. Hopefully, you will know how to better expand your analytical essay with your next practice test. I'll give you a pass with this essay and assume that you have no idea as to how to write one yet. I hope my observations and suggestions can help you to write a better practice essay next time.