dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## efficiency of student's learning and exercises

  
  
Hi, my essay is about : "Some people say that physical exercise should be a required part of every school day. Others say that pupils should spend whole school day on academic studies. Which opinion do you agree with? Give reasons to support your choice." Can you give me some feedback? Thanks!  
  
These days, some schools have included physical exercise as a part of educational curriculum. Whether they should turn it into a daily compulsory activity or neglect it, only concentrate on academic learning is a debatable issue. My view is that regular exercise is significantly beneficial to the pupils for the following reasons.  
  
First of all, frequent exercise optimize the quality of learning, which means helping students study more efficiently. Because stress and fatigue which usually stem from overload learning hours spent on the classes will be dispelled immediately when students are involved in bodily movement during the break time. Therefore, with refreshed mind and body, they have better preparation, more ready for the next lessons. A recent research of Learning Method Institute has reported that students who have physical exercise between two 45-minute lessons study 30 percent more efficiently than those who do not.  
  
Moreover, it is obvious that physical exercise contributes positively to the student's overall health. Because sport activities help to maintain physical fitness, boost the immune system, improve mental health, strengthen the individual endurance and so on, students with daily exercise show more active, energetic and healthier than others. Acknowledging these benefits, instead of imposing long - day academic study on pupils, schools should provide them with more opportunities to engaging in sport movements.  
  
That is not to say that academic knowledge is not important at all. It, of course, is a basic, required part of every learner's knowledge and plays a vital role in individual life and future. However, intensive learning this type of knowledge without any break points for relaxing is redundant and may be counter-productive.  
  
In conclusion, daily exercise deserves to receive encouragement because of all advantages it has. Meanwhile, we should not under-estimate the necessity of academic study. Schools should schedule both of them properly, by doing so, the efficiency of student's learning will be promoted notably.
Dam, you have a subject-verb disagreement with the use of the word "optimize". That should be written as "optimizes" because the word describes a currently ongoing action. Learn when and how to use pronouns as well. You made a mistake in reference to "students" which is the plural form of the word when you were speaking of ownership so the proper presentation would be "students'". You also cannot use two comparative forms successively. Therefore it is wrong to say "more ready" but more proper to indicate "readier". Try to use only one plural form for a word rather than similar indicators as in the case of "both of them" which should be written as "both". "Both of them" tends to confuse the reader due to the redundancy of the phrase presentation. There is also a structural problem with use of the term "concentrate" in the opening paragraph. It should be written as "only concentrating" which is a reference to a currently occurring action. You have a tendency to use connecting words such as 'because" to start a sentence, as a connecting word, it cannot be used to start a sentence. You should add a reason or discussion before the use of the word instead.These are but a few of the grammatical and sentence structure errors that I have found in your presentation. However, it did not affect the quality of your reasoning. The writing may be a bit poor, but your discussion paragraphs are logical and therefore acceptable for the given task.  
  
As I said, your personal line of reasoning is good. The researched information, should not be included as you will be doing a pen and paper test, without the aid of the internet at the testing center. That is why the Task 2 essay always asks you to use only personal knowledge and experience in defense of your opinion. Never practice using outside research sources because that is not something you will have at the actual test site.  
  
Your conclusion needs work. The concluding summary, as it is known, must contain a restatement of the prompt problem, your opinion, the reasoning topics you provided, and a closing sentence. Your presentation does not do that, causing an open ended essay which may have an effect on your final score since you are not allowed to continue the discussion of new information, as you did in your final paragraph, in the actual test.  
  
There are several run on sentences in your later paragraphs. Please remember that these types of sentences will make you fail in the GRA and C&C sections because you are being scored for clarity and coherence along with the structure of the sentence. Short but informative sentences score better than comma divided sentences presenting 2 unrelated ideas. Learn to edit yourself. Use only one idea per sentence, regardless of how much you want to use 2 ideas in one sentence. You are not being scored on your knowledge of the topic, you are being scored on the clarity of your explanation regarding the given task.
hi,there,please give me some advice about this essay blow.  
Thanks!  
  
## more and more jobs and tasks are done by machines

  
  
Nowadys,more and more jobs and taks are done by machines which invlove hard physical work.Do these effects of this trend outweigh the negative effects?  
  
There was a conspicuous tendency that high-technology machines implemented in a variety of industries in recent years. Some people hold a passion opinion about this, but I believe that enables people to live in a more convenient life.  
  
Owing to the fact that lots of physical hard works were undertaken by the machinery,promoting people a bigger space in innovation and creativity. As for individuals, people are free up in the repetitive and body-harm physical works, which saves them much time and energy. From the community side, their management can become more efficient and convenient through the labor-saving machinery,another case in point is that these machines save their labors costs a lot. In the development of industry, after the machine finishing the basic work, people are able to devote in intelligent area,such as projects produced,engineering design or liberties writing and so on.  
  
As a proverb goes, there is no garden without weeds. Seen from the negative aspect, some potential problems we cannot deny. Relying on the high-technology for a long time, people may cause a sense of dependence. Besides, with the increasing of losing the jobs which replaced by machines, the employment will be more competitive. However these results are also unavoidable in the process of society developing, which forces people to acquire advanced knowledge and skills to meet the requirements constantly. In short, these competition that results in machines undertaking more tasks can make people to work hard to keep a dominant position.  
  
In conclusion, the proliferation of the machines is a two-edged sword. But I believe the employment competition also brings some positive influence to some extent.
Hi Penny, the essay has a lot of misspelled words as well as punctuation errors such as incorrect spacing with punctuation and some misuse of article  
  
. the idea of the essay is not clear enough and it needs to be edited  
  
Look at this version, it will help you  
  
*... tendency in high-technology ... hold a passionate opinion about this, ... that this enables people to live ...  
  
Because the machinery undertook lots of hard physical work, people had a bigger space in ... As for ... body-harm physical tasks[/R], which ... From the ... machinery, another case ... In the development of industry, after the machine finishing the basic work, people [R]can devote in ...  
  
... negative aspect, there are some potential ...  
Consequently, with the increasing ...  
... the requirements regularly.*  
  
Again there are some sentences that are not clear enough but for the sake of the idea, I think that it is understandable.
## Essay about discussing both views and giving own opinion

  
  
Hi, here my essay about "Some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. Others, however, argue that the circumstances of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the punishment. Discussing both views and giving your opinion." Can you give me some feedback? Thanks.  
  
It is widely known that crime has been arousing people around the world's concern. As a matter of fact, it is a controversial issue of whether punishments for crime should be fixed to judge each crime individually or not. Therefore, the objecting of the following essay is to elaborate both conflicting views. As far as I am concerned, I side with the former statement.  
  
There is no denying that fixed punishments to different sorts of crime are the profound contribution to reducing criminals due to a variety of reasons. Firstly, by enacting the fixed laws in order that criminals committing in the same kind of crime can be treated equally, people from the power can advance a better society with a fair justice system. In other words, it, thus, is capable of ensuring that any criminals will neither be discriminated nor get offended by the public. Another point which should be cited is that a strict fixed punishment plays an indispensable role in giving a deterrent in turning a would-be offender due to the heavy general penalty for a specialized crime. Above all else, it is essential for any judges to detect the criminals in the more efficient approach with distinct precise penalizing each crime. As a result, fixed penalties benefits in a diversity of aspects.  
  
Having said that, the arguments provided above can also be considered from the opposite angle, the decision of sentencing criminals is aligned with specific circumstances hidden behind. As a justification, the primary one is the humankind. In simple terms, in some cases that the crime has not been done in an attempt or the culprit is not the real wrongdoer or investigated in depth. For instance, rebellious youngster mostly committing in crime in terms of heavy educational burdens or being enticed by other criminals, and the laws with the tougher investigation into motivation and individual will give the offenders incentive to back to life. After all, the given view also has advantages.  
  
In conclusion, there are both aspects considered with diverse merits and causes. Nevertheless, I strongly stay a notion on a view of fixed punishments for a single type of crime.
Dokhanh, I could not even continue reading your essay past the second paragraph because the incoherence was overpowering your writing. You are so wordy and not in a good way that the essay is saying a lot of things, without actually having any coherent meaning or message to each sentence or paragraph. You are more focused on your Lexical Resource representation, which does not do anything good for your essay because simply writing a long essay that does not make any sense will not help you pass this test.  
  
Your paragraphs are mostly composed of run-on sentences which contributed to the lack of clarity and cohesive thought process in the presentation. Your desire to use as many English words as possible, rather than focusing on useful English words to create your sentences further added to the confusing discussion paragraphs. Your essay would fail on an overall consideration in an actual test.  
  
Do not write any more practice essays at this point. It would be better if you first educate yourself about how to write coherently in English. You can do that by reading the sample essays here in relation to various Task 2 prompts which would help you get a better idea of how to properly present these essay discussions. Increase your English sentence composition exercises to help you write in coherent but short sentences. Those are the types of sentences that will help you score better later on.
## significance of history

  
  
Hi there, here is my writing task 2 about topic "Some people argue that history is of little and no use to us. Others believe that studying history gives many benefits. Discuss those views and give your own opinion". Please help to review and give me your feedback. Thank you!  
  
There have been some arguments about significance of history. The proponents of the study of history think that it is still one of crucial knowledge, while opponents of this argument believe that history is unnecessary. This essay will discuss both of view before coming to a reasoned conclusion.  
  
The main reason of believing is that studying history is unnecessary as its knowledge focuses on dates, time and events which cannot be applied in real life. For instance, students studying science and technology can do experiments to create new invention which might improve life quality. While students learning history cannot use their knowledge to build up or create factual outcomes. Additionally, nowadays in modern life, people need to learn new knowledge especially technology and economics more importantly, which helps them easily adapt with changes. As a result, if people study history, they will be out updated and lacking of practical skills to help them survive in a non-stop developing society.  
  
However, I do believe history still plays a crucial role in our life. Firstly, through history, human can learn from their ancestor's failure in the past to avoid repeating mistakes or even find a better way to improve. For example, in the past, people thought that war was a good way to develop the economy, however, it brought more tragedy than benefits. From knowing this wrong perspective, modern human has changed to cooperate with others to improve their own economy together. Secondly, by learning about the historical events, monuments or heroes from the past, human would understand the meaning of their cultures and value of historical tradition heritages, which help them to enhance their awareness of reserving heritages that have been damaged.  
  
In pithy, even though history knowledge is rarely applied in the real life nowadays, I think it still play an essential role to let the contemporary people have a lucid comprehension of past and present.
Mai, I prefer to point out your grammar mistakes first. That way you have a better idea as to how you will be scored in the GRA and C&C section. The more errors you have, the lesser your score in those sections will be.  
  
You have an unclear phrase in the part where you say "new invention'. Since the first word was experiment, that means the invention is new. So you created a redundancy in the statement that lessened the clarity of the information you were providing. In the second paragraph, you do not need the word "of" after the verb "lacking". There is no need for a determiner at that point. You need to practice using the connecting word "the" where required as well, such as in the statement "about THE significance of history". You appear to have a problem with the use of determiner words such as "is, if, the, etc." You should review the rules regarding how to properly use these words with nouns or verbs and remember it for future writing application.  
  
Don't use old English words such as pithy. While it sounds impressive, unless you have a dictionary beside you at the test center, you won't be able to use such impressive words from ancient English. Just use simple, everyday, current English words as those will be more than enough to increase your LR score. In addition to that, your word choice does not apply to the statement you are trying to make because the meaning of the word is "concise and forcefully expressive". It does not sound natural in the presentation, specially since you are an ESL.  
  
The essay format you have given here is incorrect. This is a 5 paragraph essay because the instruction asks you to provide an explanation for 2 public points of view along with a personal point of view. So the format is:  
  
1. Paraphrase  
2. Public POV 1  
3. Public POV 2  
4. Personal Opinion based on an analysis of the 2 public POV  
5. Concluding summary  
  
Your essay is only partially responsive to the prompt because of the missing second public point of view. So your score will be limited to the areas where you represent the prompt, which may not be high enough to help you pass since you have several mistakes that will cause points deductions on your part.
## a gap year from school

  
  
**It is becoming increasingly popular to have a year off between finishing school and going to university.  
What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?**  
The idea of taking a gap year before attending college is becoming more and more prevalent among high school graduates. There are many benefits as well as drawbacks of this phenomenon.  
  
Having a year off after high school graduation is advantageous in some certain facets. Firstly, students can have time to relax after a fundamental competition and be more prepared for a completely new environment in university. Some students take this as a chance to travel and get to know more about various fields such as foreign language and culture. They are also be able to acquire useful soft skills from attending temporary courses which are needed for the future but rarely taught in high school. Secondly, due to the inadequate provision of career orientation in high school, sparing another 12 months looking for a job or signing up for a vocational course is considered a remedy for students to figure out their future path. Using this one year's time reasonably can save a lot of time for gap year takers later as it equips them to be more confident, competent and oriented towards future.  
  
From an opposite angle, the disadvantages of a gap year are varied. Initially, compared to the students having a year off, those who go straight to college are likely to have a permanent job earlier. They finish their academic studies one year in advance, have better opportunities to get a job with stable income. Moreover, high school seniors might lose their studying habits as well as discipline. In other words, one year spent on traveling can demotivate them from tertiary education.  
  
In conclusion, despite having many benefits in terms of traveling and working, taking a gap year also has certain shortcomings that people should pay heed to.  
  
\*-----------------------------------------------------\*  
Thank you so much for reading. I would truly appreciate your correction in my essay .
Hoang, the good news is that you have managed to avoid making any grammar or sentence structure errors during the writing of your essay. Expect to be scored highly in terms of your essay's LR and GRA potential. So that means you have delivered an essay that meets the indicated 2 scoring considerations to a great extent. However, with that said, I cannot say that you can score highly in terms of the TA consideration because the presentation of your discussion is under developed and choppy in presentation due to the lack of proper transition sentences or phrases at the end of the paragraphs.  
  
You also lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement for the opening paraphrase and concluding summary at the end. Your opening paraphrase lacks a proper paraphrase which could have been presented as:  
  
*High school graduates have shown a trend of skipping their first year of college after high school graduation. Known as a gap year, there are some concerns regarding the advantages and disadvantages of this practice. This essay will discuss the generally known facts regarding the advantage and disadvantage of this growing practice.*  
  
Then the concluding statement should have summarized these important points from the reasoning paragraphs over 5 sentences to provide a clear reminder of what the discussion topic was, what the reasons for the discussions are, what the talking points were for each paragraph, then a closing sentence that merely sums up the preceding presentation to close the essay .  
  
Even worse, the second paragraph is more than the maximum 5 sentence requirement due to the second discussion topic you presented at the end of the paragraph, which resulted in an underdeveloped discussion presentation for that topic. That will have a direct effect on the C&C scoring potential of your essay.  
  
Since you have a maximum 5 paragraph allotment for each Task 2 essay, you could have used a transition sentence at the end of the first topic for discussion to help introduce the second topic. The second topic should have been fully developed in discussion content in the next paragraph over a total of 3-5 sentences, a practice that, when you get used to doing, immediately increases your scoring potential due to your ability to clearly explain your opinions or develop public discussions.  
  
In truth the errors you made are what I consider to be unintentional errors since you are not familiar with the proper formatting of the Task 2 essays yet. You should learn how to better present your paragraph discussions as you develop your writing style. Try to read the other task 2 essays at this forum and take note of the advice given to those writers, learning what their mistakes were and how to avoid those same errors on your part should help you polish your writing skills in no time.
**Task: Nowadays young adults seem to prefer to spend their leisure time on shopping. Why? Does shopping have more negative or positive features?**  
  
## Consumerism phenomenon

  
  
Consumerism is one of the phenomena that younger generation has to deal with as soon as they become financially independent. Although shopping sprees as a form of entertainment are not new to the society in general, it seems to have gained special popularity among young adults. The reasons vary from economic growth, enhanced shopping options to simple psychology, and can be both worrying and exciting.  
  
Reason number one is that people in their twenties buy things because the process is quick and easy. Nowadays even browsing social networks can turn into shopping, and the credit card payment is made in seconds. Another example is that shopping malls are equipped with cinemas, skating rings and other recreational facilities. People are tricked into buying something on their way to entertainment, and the line between shopping and having fun might become even thinner.  
  
Psychologists usually warn young people to be more considerate when buying goods. If compulsive shopping gets out of hand, it becomes a condition called shopoholism. Sometimes, people need to be admitted to the hospital to deal with the problem.  
  
Madness or not, to the best of my knowledge, shopping is not that bad. Economic growth has ensured that there are money to spend and things to buy. It means prosperity, so somehow young people need to learn to manage their wealth. Learning is never easy and mistakes are made along the way. But that is just a part of the process. Unnecessary things can be returned to the shops, given to somebody else or recycled. The only thing that remains irreversible in this situation is time spent. On the other hand, it can also be called experience, and that is another good thing to be rich in.  
  
So all in all, young adults may be sometimes criticized for how they spend their leisure time, but that can be a part of gaining experience. Shopping is not an evil. Every generation has their lessons to learn.