dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Nguyen, this is an extent essay and as such, it is normally discussed coming from only one point of view. However, your overall essay opts to discuss both points of view to a certain extent. So, while your discussion was not in error, your opening paraphrase was presented in the wrong manner. In order to be allowed to discuss both points of view in an extent essay, your prompt must be something similar to the following:  
  
*Some people believe that luck does not play a role when it comes to a person achieving his objectives in life. Others believe that luck is is the only factor that determines whether a person achieves his dreams or not. I tend to partially agree with these statements for a number of reasons.*  
  
When you use the term "partially" that gives you the opportunity to address both sides of the discussion while also providing an "extent" response. Now, since this essay is only to be told from your point of view, there is no reason for you to state "in my opinion" as that is already a given in the discussion format.  
  
I would not advice you to use numerical referencing in your paragraphs (firstly, secondly) if you are not going to use it consistently throughout the essay. You create a referencing problem because the numbers are supposed to help you differentiate between paragraphs. If you use it only once, the reader will easily get confused and find himself struggling to suddenly separate the discussions you presented.  
  
Your concluding sentence counters the requirements for a complete paragraph presentation. Don't use one long sentence because you are trying to present short but complex LR and GRA skills. It is always advisable to present at least 3 sentences per paragraph in order to meet that requirement. You have an opportunity to show off your English skills in a more admirable manner when you present your discussion in that method.
Question: **As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing.  
What factors contribute to job satisfaction?  
How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?**  
  
## job satisfaction in a workplace

  
  
There is a true fact that people will spend most of their time at work in order to fulfill their basic needs. Work environment sometimes contributed to how the workers feel and perform in their work daily. Satisfaction then becomes a matter to both employee and companies as the employer. Job satisfaction comes from many factors not only about financial aspect but also the non-financial aspect.  
  
Financial aspect such as salary grade, bonus or other financial incentives will lead to better performance for some workers. It is true that people need a high salary to give their best to the company, yet it is not the only one factor. Satisfaction in a work comes from non-financial aspects such as work environment, support from their peers and manager, and the feeling of contributing something to the company. People tend to be more satisfied if they have a chance to give their ideas to make their companies better. In addition, a worker who thinks his work give values to society will experience more satisfied in his job.  
  
The expectation about job satisfaction that mentioned above is real and easy to apply for all workers in all companies. Companies and workers have to work together in order to create supported environment and particular strategy to achieve the job satisfaction. First, Companies should know the basic requirement for their workers, what makes their employees feel appreciated about their work. It is not only about money, but also non-financial factors as mentioned in first are important. It is a realistic idea to create job satisfaction in a company, and it also needs full support from all workers.  
  
In conclusion, job satisfaction is not only about high salary or bonus, but also the support from the peers and the managers that really matter. It is a realistic idea to have job satisfaction in all companies and for all workers.  
  
---  
*this my another attempt to practice IELTS Task 2, It seems hard for me to build the idea to write. Thank you for the feedback.*
- Your thesis statement, in my opinion, does not cover the question fully as it still does not reply to the how realistic question.  
- In the second paragraph, I think that you should put more examples to explain further your opinion (like what kind of work environment, how should employees be treated specifically to enhance their performance).  
  
- For the next paragraph, i can't see WHY the expectation is realistic. Again, I feel that this one is also lacking supporting ideas (explanations or examples).  
  
Overall I can see that is a pretty good attempt at writing! You just have to dig in further you know :D
Aulia, as I mentioned to you in your previous essays, you have a problem with accurately repeating the prompt requirement in your own understanding. You are always including information that does not come from the original prompt. In order to gain a proper and high task accuracy score, you need to present a paraphrasing that is in line with the original prompt at all times. In your opening statement, you started an immediate discussion of the prompt requirement and offered information not included in the original prompt. As much as as possible, you must always use keywords from the original prompt in order to create the impression that you understood what the discussion presented to you was. Therefore:  
  
*There is an ongoing discussion as to the importance of job satisfaction in relation to individual wellbeing. Since most people spend their adult lives in the workplace, there is a question as to what factors are relevant to job satisfaction. Additionally, there is a question as to whether or not these job satisfaction expectations are realistic for all employees. This essay will try to shed light on this discussion and respond to the given questions.*  
  
Using the above example, only accurate information provided in the original prompt is shared while being given an original presentation using my own understanding of the prompt. It also creates a discussion outline, which is very important for the cohesiveness of the essay discussion in the body paragraphs.  
  
You are prone to discussing too many reasons in one paragraph. Though these reasons may be related to one another, it does not erase the fact that each reason must be fully explained in every paragraph. That is why you have to limit yourself to only one reason per paragraph. When you discuss 2 or 3 reasons, as you do in this essay, it affects your cohesiveness and coherence score because you do not present properly developed paragraphs and explanations.  
  
Your conclusion is irrelevant. It does not repeat the prompt discussion, the reasons you gave, and the validity of the expectation of job satisfaction in the workplace. Your essay is good in some parts, but bad where it counts so the score you will get for this essay in an actual setting may not be as high as you would hope it could be.
@judi\_soares  
Hi Juliana, thanks for the feedback, yeah I think I have lack of idea in writing this essays.  
  
@xhang24  
Hi Xuan, yes, it is true that I don't put strong thesis statement in the opening and don't put enough the supporting detail. Thank you  
  
@Holt  
Dear Holt, yeah my bad don't use your feedback to revise my writing. I used to write with many ideas in one paragraph, and I will try to change this writing habit.  
  
Many thanks :)
**The graph below shows the consumption of three spreads from 1991 to 2007.  
Summarize the main features and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
Please help scoring this essay. My test is in 3 days' time!!  
  
## margarine, low fat and butter consumption

  
  
The given line graph visualizes the information on how much three types of spreads were consumed between 1981 and 2007. Units are measured in grams. Overall, despite being popularized from a much earlier time, butter and margarine intake declined throughout the years. The pattern was reversed for low fat and reduced spreads however.  
  
In the initial year, butter dominated with over 140 grams consumed. The number then rose to a peak of almost 160 grams in 1986. From this point, butter intake went through a crash to approximately 70 grams in 1996 and further to 50 grams by the end of the recorded period.  
  
With regards to margarine, its consumption began with around 90 grams before reaching the highest figure of 100 grams in 1991. Remaining unchanged in the following five years, the figure then experienced the same downturn similar to that of butter, finishing at 40 grams.  
  
On the other hand, the year 1996 marked the emerge of low-fat and reduced spreads. Since then, this kind of spread began to gained popularity with a remarkable speed. In 2001, the reported consumption stood at above 80 grams, which was equal to that of margarine. It then fell slightly to 70 grams in 2007, classified as the most prevalent choice of spreads.  
  
[211 WORDS]  
  
*
Giang, I think this essay will score no more than a 5 in an actual test. A score of 5 indicates that you only have a superficial review and presentation of the information provided. You did not do a deeper analysis of the line graph in order to come up with a more intricate and informative presentation. There is a limited vocabulary range on your part which resulted in confusing sentence structures. This affected your C&C and GRA scores because the length of your paragraphs are inconsistent. Sometimes you have only 2 sentences, which doesn't qualify as a paragraph and sometimes, you have 3 sentences which qualifies as a paragraph at the minimum sentence requirement. You need to try and write at least 5 sentences per paragraph in order to develop an intricate and analytical presentation of the information and also, allow yourself the opportunity to develop complex sentence presentations.  
  
The summary overview that you wrote contains actual information dissemination coming from the line graph. It seems that you did not remember that the summary overview only outline the discussion and presents certain key information from the graph that will be the basis of the body of paragraphs discussion. In this version, you tried to present a trending sentence that accidentally informed the reader of information that needed to be developed and presented as a part of a complete paragraph rather than as mere information bits in the opening summary.  
  
When you analyze these graphs, look for the overlapping and similar comparison points for presentation. I found that there were 4 overlapping points that created the basis of a discussion pertaining to similar consumption of spreads during specific years. Little details like that help to increase your overall score because you proved that you studied the graph in a comprehensive manner.
**Some people think that all university students should study whatever they like. Others believe that they should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, such as those related to science and technology. Discuss both this view and give your own opinion.**  
  
## Select your field of study

  
------------------------------------  
There is an increasingly growing popular idea that university should have permitted students to take part in any courses they want. There are others who carry the opinion that students must follow every class required at school. Both sides have, of course, their own merits, but I think the first view is more reasonable and this essay aims to prove my claim.  
  
I'd like to start by saying that students can be more active if they have their freedom to choose favorite subjects. It is necessary because learners can try many courses that conformable to their wishes. Thus, they will definitely find out the weak or strong points and so on, they easily choose the subject as their major. Moreover, allowing students to study subject they like will encourage them to be more hard-working. I believe that the self-choice is obviously our own passions and of course, people will pay more attention and try improving as best as they can prepare well for future goals.  
  
On the other hand, some colleges force students to learn subjects that is are important to society. In short, the professors suggest everyone to have a basic knowledge in order to seek a job without difficulty. For instance, to become a tour guide requires us not only to have a good grounding on history, geography but also speak fluently- which we achieve from learning Literature. Unfortunately, some students can not recognize its benefit, and feel obligated to study things that are not interested in and put them under pressure and stress.  
  
Learning whatever we like enables us to orientate future ourselves. After discussing all the points mentioned above, I can finally conclude that university should allow all the students to choose any subject they like because of better motivation for studying.  
  
------------  
Thanks a lot for your feedback. What is my essay estimated band score?
Ngan, there is absolutely no way that you can score higher than a 4 with this essay because you did not follow the prompt requirements. For starters, there is no "growing popular idea" referred to in the original prompt. There is an "idea" coming from "some people" and that is what you should have reflected in the discussion topic. Do not put information into the essay that is not in the original prompt. You will be scored down in terms of Task Accuracy for even the slightest prompt and topic deviation. The correct paraphrase should have represented the given topic an discussion outline as follows:  
  
*When it comes to university education, there are 2 types of opinions regarding what a college student should be studying. The first opinion, is that the students should be allowed to study any course that appeals to them. They should be allowed to study only subjects that interest them. The second opinion, is that the university should only allow students to study science and technology which are subjects that will be needed in the future. In this essay, I will provide an expanded discussion of both points of view along with my personal point of view regarding the two opinions.*  
  
The above is an impressive example of a properly paraphrased prompt that uses complex sentences and vital synonyms representative of the original keywords. That is how your proper paraphrasing should look in the future. Now, let's move on to the bigger problem of your essay. The fact that you did not properly discuss the topic based upon the instructions provided to you.  
  
You were instructed to discuss both points of view prior to your personal opinion. Instead, you took ownership of the whole discussion from the start and made it clear that you were discussing only your personal opinion from the get-go. This prompt deviation led to the score of 4 because you responded only partially to the task. Of the 3 discussions you were to present, you only presented one in the form of your personal opinion. That error in prompt discussion caused you to fail this test.
Topic: **The increase in people's life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a younger age. Is this alternative a positive or negative development?**  
  
*My try:*  
  
## starting work at an earlier age

  
  
It is a fact that the more people live a longer life, the more of them need to work for a number of extra years to contribute to the retirement fund. Many advocate another viable option which suggests that these people should start working earlier, but I totally disagree with this notion.  
  
The first justification is that working as soon as possible may pose a threat to the development of young people. It is common sense that children need a certain period of time to grow properly as well as gain a standardized level of education. Seeking a job early, therefore, may have various negative impacts on both mental and physical health of the youths, such as back problems and chronic stress when they become older. This will eventually be a heavy burden for the government because it has to allocate more funds to medical system to support their treatment. Another potential danger is that these employees cannot master adequate knowledge and useful skills to work with high efficiency and effectiveness.  
  
Meanwhile, the solution of allowing old people to continue their working life for a handful of years seems to have more benefits. People in contemporary society receive better health-care services than their ancestors did and it is realistic that they can maintain their competitive abilities in the workplace for years. Some may hold the believe that it is not fair to force elderly people to work after many years of working but this assumption is somehow fallacious because many seniors express their happiness realizing that they can still contribute to the welfare of the society. For this reason, I would support the viewpoint of working longer.  
  
In conclusion, it seems to me that starting work at an earlier age has overall unfavorable outcomes in comparison with working more in the old age.  
  
*Please feel free to comment. Thank you all in advance.*
Sarah, you just got a score of 1 in this essay. Your response is completely unrelated to the task provided by the prompt. You were given a specific instruction. Discuss whether the proposal of having people start working at a younger age is a positive or negative development. You were not being asked for the "extent of your agreement or disagreement with the given statement." Since obviously did not understand the instructions for the discussion, the examiner will have no choice but to fail you in the Task Accuracy section. Once you fail the TA section, you have failed the whole test. Notice how you were supposed to choose either a positive or negative discussion for the essay but instead, you are presenting justifications for a personal opinion. That is not the requirement of the essay. As such, your work in the remaining sections (LR, C&C, GRA) will not longer be considered. Since you gave a wrong response from the very start, it would be useless to assess your remaining abilities because they do not represent the prompt discussion requirements. Make sure you understand the required discussion format before you start to draft your response. Ask for explanations if you are not sure about how to approach the essay discussion. I hope to see an improvement in this portion of your next practice essay.
## my familiar, comfortable place

  
  
Places that put you at ease must be a place that is endearing and familiar to you. In my case, it is no different. My safe zone is no other but the living room of my house. It is nothing too fancy, a casual mediocre living room painted creamy white on all four walls with a ceiling fan that every Hanoi house built in the late 1990s and early 2000s has. After going through some major refurbishing, there are differences here and there but magically, the atmosphere has stayed the same ever since I was first there in the house. I can recall well what happened on my sixth birthday on that used-to-be-a-disheveled-wooden-chair brown high-end sofa, what in the display cabinet was but now a grandfather clock. It feels as if everything stays the same but also it does not. However, there is something about the living room that is invariant-its usage as a garage in addition to the traditional one. Two to three motorbikes always occupy the living room, making it a little crammed perpetually. As a consequence, even if I am alone, I do not feel lonely at all. The ideal time to spend in the living room for me is working daytime or midnight. At noon, when I come home from school, there is only me and myself, taking nap and skipping lunch, nothing matters anymore. It is just absolute relaxation. On the other hand, midnight is a little bit more melancholy. Only after heated arguments with parents or stressful work that I go downstair to lay myself down on the sofa, and there I can do whatever I want, cooking instant noodles, watching whatever is on on TV or simply laying there motionlessly, just to suppress the negative feelings. My living room can offer things that no other luxurious hotels can. And despite how much adventurous and wanderlust I am, always seeking for new experiences in new places, this specific room, the room where I first started crawling, walking, and talking, always has an exceptional charm to me.  
  
*Well, this is my attempt in practicing creative writing to prepare for my college application. Please help me out! Every idea and comment is welcomed!*
Places that put you at ease must be...... **I think you should use singular.**  
  
It is ~~nothing~~ too fancy, a casual ..... **using "not" is better i guess. run-on sentence**  
  
After (...) refurbishing, ~~there~~ are .......... **Participle sentence. be careful to your noun**  
  
It feels as if everything stays the same but ........... **subjunctive mood**  
  
there is only me and myself this sentence is directly translated from chinese = =+  
  
As a native madarin speaker as you are, i can totally understand. But I do not think other can
Hang, your creative writing attempt is too one dimensional. What I mean by one dimensional is that you had only one focus throughout the essay which did not really engage the reader because it did not require all of the human senses to be engaged. A truly effective descriptive essay would take advantage of the sights, sounds, smells, and other unique aspects of the place that makes you feel safe. Each description needs to tie into a reason otherwise, you are not really explaining why the living room of your house is a safe zone for you. I learned what your living room looks like. In fact, I even learned about the description of your house. Yet, when it comes to the reasons why you feel safe in this place, I cannot find a strong reason why you would say that. You are not describing a safe place, you describing a place where you relax. A safe place is different from a relaxing place. While it might sound the same in purpose, the emotional and physical differences between the word safe and relax are what set the descriptive essays for each apart. So, regardless of the grammatical and punctuation problems in your essay, those are minor problems compared to the big problem of you not properly responding to the prompt. The prompt asks you to describe a safe place, not a place where you relax. You have to understand what the prompt is asking for and respond to it properly before you can even begin to draft your essay response. In this essay, you used 2 descriptive terms in the title, each of which is different in approach. So you need to make sure that you are responding to the correct essay prompt. Which is it? A place where you feel safe? A place that makes you happy? Or a place where you can relax? Note that for each prompt, a different essay presentation approach will be required for the discussion.