dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## The life of urban residents

  
  
The lack of physical exercise has gained popularity in many countries in recent decades, particularly citizens living in towns. Though this issue can be contributed for some reasons, there may be a feasible solution.  
  
There are some reasons why the people of urban areas have no time to do the practice. First, living expenses are quite expensive in towns, so every adult always struggles with financial burden and they have to get stuck with work all day long to solve living expenses. They find it hard, with a tight schedule, to spend lots of time doing exercise. Second, the entertainment media in the city that people are just sitting somewhere and enjoying have improved massively. In fact, these attractive products such as computer games, movies can attract both the young generation and the old generation so they don't want to do recreational activities.  
  
This problem has a few possible solutions. First, the government can take some measures to make people aware of the benefits of physical exercise like yoga, gym, etc. Because people would spend more time doing exercise since they recognize the importance of this. Second, the advertising campaign should be more attractive for people excited about gymnasiums, yoga, and some related activities. Actually, if people are interested in this advertisement, they tend to spend time and money to participate in it.  
  
In conclusion, with a busy lifestyle in urban centers, more and more people are not getting enough time to exercise physically. But we should spend a lot of time doing the exercise because of our health benefits from these.
The better approach to this essay would be to indicate how well you understood the topic in the prompt restatement. What you wrote as the restatement would have been more acceptable if you did not exaggerate the presentation by indicating countries, before going to the town level. The original prompt asked you to focus only on the city living or urban residents. Examiners hate it when you deviate from the original presentation by adding unwarranted references such as countries. This would have a direct effect on your TA score. Additionally, the original prompt asked you for direct responses to the questions regarding the causes and solutions. You should have indicated the topics that you would have been discussing in relation to these 2 questions in the final part of the prompt. The outlined response would have helped to increase your GRA score as your English understanding and ability to represent your thoughts would have been better analyzed by the examiner. These are the English comprehension skills that matter the most in the scoring consideration / process.  
  
Your reasons need to be connected. The first reason should be a justifiable offshoot of the second reason. So, if money is tight and people cannot exercise because it is expensive to join the gym, then you cannot use entertainment as the second reason. If people can spend on movies, they can spend on a gym membership. The proper connected reason could have been:  
  
*Second, the people who can afford to join the gym, cannot go to the gym because it is already closed by the time they finish working overtime in the office. The people are too tired and too focused on earning money to afford their life necessities, hence they cannot find time to exercise.*  
  
Connect the 2 reasons, use a connected example based on a proper topic focus, and create a cohesive and coherent reasoning / causes paragraph. Do you clearly see the difference between your reasoning presentation and mine? The connected reasons are what helped the paragraph, in my version, to become more coherent and cohesive for the examiner to rate highly.  
  
An academic presentation never uses the word "etc." either use a period, a comma, or a semi-colon, but never etc. That is too flippant and casual in word usage. Connecting words such as "because" should never be used to start a sentence. The word can only be used mid-sentence, to connect a given reason to a subject for the discussion.  
  
Remember to use a comma when using clauses in a sentence:*... and the old generation , so they...*  
  
When writing in a formal tone, do not use conjunctions. Always spell out the words such as (don't) Do not, I would, I will not.
***It is inevitable that traditional cultures will be lost as technology develops. Technology and traditional cultures are incompatible.*  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?**  
  
Development of technology makes some people believe that separate cultures will soon become extinct. This development leads to globalization and traditional cultures will disappear. This essay will reveal why I mostly disagree with this fear as it is in human nature to be different and to belong to a certain group so those cultures will survive.  
  
Technology jeopardizes the existence of unique cultures. When going online people have many options to choose from. This is a threat to a local culture as people lean towards the most popular and trending things in the media, and replace local attributes with universal. Also, the world is so connected that it resembles a mixing pot that can result in one uniformed international society. This is happening right now as the globally used English language is considered an international by many and is even replacing some local languages as the official in several countries.  
  
However, local cultural and national bonds are stronger than technology. It is in the human nature to belong to a certain group that shares similar values. The expansion of technology and foreign influence triggers a defensive response in these groups and they start to protect their own by cherishing their culture. Moreover, individuals like to be different so while the advancing globalization is stripping separate unique nations of their individual features, it only boosts local interest and support of their own attributes that make them unique. For example, Indians are often proud to wear sarees when abroad, Italians cook tomatoes only in their own way and Chinese would tell their foreign friends how great and different their cuisine is.  
  
In conclusion, communication technology is considered a threat to traditional cultures. However, I rather disagree that it can make these cultures disappear as human desire for individualism and group bonding will prevail.
You did not properly rephrase the prompt. You must make sure that you do not offer too much of your personal opinion, nor change the prompt discussion specifications in your paraphrase. Always outline your work first to make sure you stay on track. You tend to not understand the prompt statements so you need to be careful and analyze the topic and discussion instruction first. Perhaps, instead of doing the task 2 practice tests, you should first be asking for instructions regarding how to discuss essay types. That is your weakest point and that is the reason your essays will not score well. You should be asking for advise about how to approach essay topics first. That way you can familiarize yourself with the process first and learn to write the essay second.  
  
You should also be learning how to use synonyms to replace keywords in the essay so that you can improve your LR score. You cannot use the same words from the original prompt because that is considered cut and paste writing by the examiner, which means you do not have a wide English vocabulary so it will drag your LR score down.  
  
Proper paraphrase:  
  
*There is a common belief developing these days that advanced systems will eventually cause the loss of long established cultural norms. This is based on the idea that technological progress and historical ways of life cannot adapt to one another. I fully disagree with this idea due to the nature of man that dictates a sense of belonging, based on real world and real time social norms, in order to survive.*  
  
You need to get out of the comparative discussion mindset. The extent essays are never comparative discussions. You cannot offer a coherent and cohesive supporting statement regarding your stated opinion if you insist on delivering a 2 POV essay. That is why your essay lacks connected paragraph developments. That is why your essays are under explained and with little supporting evidence. You can only have a proper explanation and enough supporting evidence to prove your opinion if you focus on the development of one opinion.  
  
You know what I am saying right? This essay deviated from the prompt discussion because you tried to compare 2 sides of the story when the instruction is to prove only one side, the point you disagree with. I cannot stress this enough, since this is a continuously repeated error on your part, maybe you should be focusing on understanding the difference between the different essay types for this test first. You cannot keep writing, making the same mistakes, then expect a different result.
**Individuals can do nothing to improve the environment; only governments and large companies can make a difference. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
## The responsibility of environment

  
  
Today it is clear that the health of our planet is in a dire situation. Some people believe that they personally can not change this fact and only corporations and governments are able to improve the environment. This essay will discuss in depth why I completely disagree with this notion.  
  
The idea that individuals are helpless is blatantly wrong and extremely lazy. People in general are the reason of the deterioration of the environment. Therefore, if they are capabe to worsen the situation, they are surely in power to make the opposite effect. A person can toss a plastic botlle on a lawn, for example, but the same person is also capable of collecting trash from the same lawn to a trash bin. Moreover, there is a plethora of things that people can do ranging from collecting rubbish and sorting it to prodicing less of waste and wisely and economically using the utilities. These measures have long been stated by environmentalists as the most effective.  
  
Governments and corporations can undoubtedly make a difference and individuals can and should force them to take the action. Provided that large companies are working for profit, they are not particularly interested in the environmental issues. However, their business is sensitive to the public opinion and if there is enough effort from their customers they will have no choice but to contribute. The same can be said about governments. These institutions are there to serve people, and are chosen by people. So it is their job to listen to their nations desires and problems and react accordingly. On the other hand it is the duty of an individual to reach to a politician, for instance, by means of protests, demonstrations or petitions that demand environmental legislation.  
  
This essay discussed the reasons why the idea that individuals can not change the environmental crisis is inaccurate. Therefore, I strongly disagree that not individuals but politicians and large businesses are the only ones that can reduce pollution.
This is a very badly developed essay. I think you are not familiar enough with the given topic which is why your essay has met the word count, but not really delivered clear ideas that can support your disagreement with the given topic. The first reasoning paragraph does not make it very clear why you believe that people can actually make a difference with regards to environmental preservation. The first 3 sentences are merely word fillers that do not provide a clear subject for the paragraph. The middle of the presentation, the next 2 sentences, offer a topic focus, but then you lose sight of the discussion and fail to provide an adequate example and proper supporting reasons for the given topic.  
  
You are skirting the discussion by pretending to discuss an issue, without offering any clear nor relevant information in the discussion. You are just aimlessly spinning your wheels until you meet the word count. The same goes for the 2nd reasoning paragraph. There is no substance to the presentation at all that relates to the given topic. These are the main reasons why your concluding recap also fell apart.  
  
It appears that you have the skills to deliver an analytical report for the Task 1 essays, but you do not have the ability to discuss personal opinions, as required in the Task 2 essays. I am disappointed in your work when it comes to this particular essay.
My personal thought:  
1) Instead of saying that the individuals can help through protests, demonstrations, petitions, they could simply help by changing their lifestyle which u mentioned in paragraph 2. BUt suggesting to protests etc might not be a good idea. You may say that they're environment advocates & helps spreading the message to friends and families etc(?)  
  
2) As for the corporates, it is harder to reach them unless consumers decide to "ban" products that are not environmental friendly. Or could it be that the government impose laws that is directed at the corporations' ways of handling waste? Many corporations might not dispose waste properly and in a socially responsible way. However, consumers can change the way they purchase a product.  
  
For example:  
- Instead of choosing the cheapest product, they would choose products they are environmental friendly  
- choosing a biodegradable packaging rather than those that are made of plastics  
  
Hear are just some of my 2 cents, I may be wrong too. DO take it with a pinch of salt, all the best!
## the problem of teenage deliquency

  
  
Behaving badly always make youngsters get into trouble.  
There are various possible reasons why teenagers in some spots misbehave.  
In this electronic world of smartphones and Internet, children are drawn far away from outside activities. In fact, it is necessary for teens to have a mobile phone so that parents can keep a track of their whereabouts. However, the use of these devices can turn into an addiction and lead to risky teenage behaviors. Furthermore, some films and video games contain high violent content can be accessed by teenagers without parent's monitor. This takes they to imitate like characters in those and it is possible that youth's mind can be affected. Finally, parents have less control over their children. In the past, families which were very close-knit and had more discipline for their children to respect their parents and follow their wishes. But in recent year, mother and father are too busy for their business so that they don't have much time to keep their eyes on children.  
  
I think there are many solutions to this problem. First of all, the government must increase the number of sport and music centres for teens to relax after studying at school. Secondly, producers of movies and games have to raise awareness about the violent content in those. Thirdly, youth's parents should keep a close eye on their children to help them curb the issue before it blows out of proportion and encourage teens do more community worked as outside activities.  
  
By and large, although there are other causes that affect equally, authority and everyone could take a hand in reducing the widespread problem of teenage deliquency.
This essay was written in haste and without proper consideration for proper paragraph formatting, clarity, and scoring requirements. You failed to properly restate the prompt and discussion instructions in your paraphrase section. There are no clear dividing paragraphs for the reasons and solutions that you are presenting in the essay. The response requirement was not fulfilled in the sense that you did not give an outline of the upcoming discussions in your reasoning paragraphs as a part of the last 2-3 sentences in your prompt paraphrase. The TA score for this essay will not be close to a passing score.  
  
Your reasoning sentences in relation to the causes of bad behaviors do not produce coherent or cohesive explanations. There are only reasons given, no examples, no supporting data, no proper discussion presentation that could convince the examiner to believe your reasons. By presenting only a series of reasons with very little discussion development, your paragraphs are going to be seen as under developed with little explanation.  
  
It would be better if you focus on limiting your reasoning paragraphs to one topic per paragraph. You can give 2 reasons in separate paragraphs or 2 related reasons in a single paragraph. The latter will require you to use connecting or transition sentences though. For beginner writers, I advise that you use the separate paragraph method instead. It gives you more room to develop your discussion in.  
  
The solutions paragraph suffers from the same problems. Your solutions require justifications either through one supporting sentence and one example or a series of supporting sentences and examples. All of which must relate to the given causes in the previous paragraph. The IELTS Task 2 essay is scored on the the clarity of your explanation, based on your vocabulary, sentence structure, and presentation format. All of these requirements are difficult to find in your essay so you cannot expect to get a 5 band score with this type of presentation.  
  
The discussion topics used are good. It is the example and explanation execution that is faulty. Those problems are what will prevent you from getting a passing score with this kind of presentation.
@ngocbich31  
For IELTS essays you need to write an introduction paragraph.  
For example:  
1 Sentence - Restate the given prompt. *The disruptive behaviour of adolescents has become a serious problem in many nations around the world.*  
2-3 Sentence - Tell what are you going to write about in the essay. *Among the major causes are the lack of control from parents and the excess of violence in the media. To resolve this problem governments should create more opportunities for the young generation to express themselves and parents must be more involved as well.*  
  
Your second paragraph can be shorter and the third longer.  
I do not completely understand how addiction to smartphones and the Internet can lead to risky behaviour. Probably you need to explain this point more. Or you can delete this part completely as I think two reasons like violence in the media and bad parenting should be enough for causes.  
  
One sentence in conclusion is not enough, try to summarise your essay in 2-3 at least.
## writing report about Canadian graduates

  
  
The graph below shows the number of university graduates in Canada from 1992 to 2007.  
  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.  
  
A glance at the line graph provided reveals the amount of institution graduates male and female in Canada between 1992 and 2007.  
  
Overall, it can be seen that, despite some fluctuations, over the period as a whole the number of graduates rose in male and female  
  
In 1992, the sum of female alumnus stood at just below 100000 graduates. Over the next 3 years, they rose steadily to reach around 105000 graduates. Afterward, women dropped moderately to reach approximately 10000 graduates 3 years later. During 8 years, the number of female graduates grew enormously to achieve just under 150000 graduates in the course of 2006.  
  
Turning to the boy, at the beginning of the period, University in Canada had graduated males approximately 70000 graduates. Over one decade, they witnessed a fluctuation and in the following 4 years, the figure saw a huge climb at almost 95000 graduates at the end of the period.  
  
Please give me feedback and give band score!  
  
*
@panatagama51  
*A glance at* I don't think it is a formal expression, better find another way to start the task description.  
  
*Overall, ~~it can be seen that~~, despite some fluctuations, over the period ~~as a whole~~ the number of graduates rose in male and female* Looks like these words are unnecessary here, the meaning does not change without them.  
  
*10000 graduates* you missed one zero, adding commas should help to avoid such mistakes. 10,000 and 100,000 is easier to spot.  
  
*Turning to the boy* boy (or boys) is not formal, and you are talking about males or men not boys.  
  
You might miss the word count if the examiner excludes unnecessary words. To be safe, better to write more than 150, maybe 170.
Do not rush when writing your report. Always take some time towards the end to review your work. This error filled essay cannot be given a score at this point, no matter how you demand it, because it will not get a passing score. Which is why the policy at this forum is to score the student on the 2nd submission, rather than the first, which is normally filled with errors. Your work is a clear example of that.  
  
There are missing periods in several sentences. There are overused commas in some paragraphs. You need to use the plural form throughout the essay, you used the singular in some spots. The essay loses focus and clarity because you opted to use approximations in the essay when there were clear data digits provided.  
  
When you are given years to reference in the data report, use year groupings as a part of the data presentation so that the reader will be clear about what eras are being presented in the report. You cannot just keep using year measurement references because your reader will have to do the computation based on the years you presented in the summary. The examiner will not bother to do the math. He'll simply mark this with a TA score of 4, because of the unclear parts of your presentation, which occurred because of the lack of year references. With that kind of TA score, add the other errors in the GRA section, lack of coherence and clarity, and you can understand why I cannot give you a score for this essay. It will not pass the test.  
  
I am sure that you will do better next time though. Focus on your GRA and data usage next time. Avoid words that connote uncertainty, make sure you use the right plural or singular form, and use 3-5 sentences per paragraph. Do not use run-on sentences, but do use complex sentence forms to help your GRA score.
## sales of Fairtrade-labeled coffee and bananas

  
  
Given is the charts illustrating how much sales of Fairtrade - labeled coffee and bananas in the UK, Switzerland, Denmark, Belgium, and Sweden from 1999 to 2004. It is clear that there were always the most sales of bananas in Switzerland during 5 years of research. In addition, the gap sales of bananas and coffee in total narrowed substantially in the report.  
  
Enjoyed the most remarkable sales in both two products in 1999, Switzerland accumulated 3 million euros from coffee which was 3 times less than that of it in the sale of bananas in the same period of time. Also, the sales of coffee in Denmark was similar to that of bananas at the starting point at 1.8 million euros.  
  
A more detailed look reveals that the total sales of coffee in five countries were just around 7.1 million euros in 1999 which outweighed that of bananas approximately 1 to 3 ( 7.1 against 21,4 million euros). Nevertheless, the gap in sales of coffee and bananas became smaller after 5 years. The former product was two times less than the latter in the vicinity of 30,7, 62,4 million euros, respectively.  
  
Please help me mark this essay.