dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm not a native speaker but I hope that my advice is useful for you.  
There is one mistake in your introduction about yourself. **beginer** is wrong. It should be "beginner".  
Overall, I think your essay is quite easy to read and has a solid structure as well as a lot of transitions. However, I think you should give more examples in your essay and reduce redundant information.  
  
For example, this sentence:  
**Nevertheless, government and the community ...**  
I think it would be fine if you cut out this sentence and keep the one after. The meaning doesn't change much.  
**To further ... productivity, not their gender.~~That means ... they are~~.**  
  
I have found some small mistakes in your essay:  
**... and lack ~~of~~  promotion**  
**based on employees' productivity  
have the chance to get higher positions.**  
**concerned about women's equality**
@ptnlytqnho as a matter of policy, contributors refrain from scoring the first essay of a first time user of this forum. That is because the first essay tends to be problematic and not very good. I will first offer you an observation of your work and its problem points and how to fix it. After that, you have a chance to fix your mistakes by addressing these in your next practice essay, which I will then score. So, here we go...  
  
You did a relatively good job with the opening paraphrase, It is different enough from the original prompt to qualify as a rendition of the topic and discussion instructions in your own understanding. However, there are instances when your statements could be clearer in order to create a clearer presentation of your statement.  
  
This is a direct response essay based on only one point of view. While your reasoning is sound in support of your stance, you made an error in the presentation because you added a contradiction statement at the end of your body paragraphs. It is not the job of the direct question essay to discuss the topic in a comparative manner. That is done in a comparison essay. Your direct discussion essay should focus only on strengthening your stance or your side of the discussion, regardless of any possible contradictions or questions that could be posed about your argument.  
  
Your closing statement isn't really a good closing summary because you did not properly summarize the previous discussion as part of the closing remarks. So that is another negative aspect of your writing. The summary of the discussion is always used in the concluding paragraph in order to drive home your discussion points and reiterate your point of view. Since you cannot continue to explain the topic in the concluding paragraph, it is always recommended that you do not present any new ideas that will need further discussion in that paragraph.
@Ptnly, how to write your essay depending on the topic instruction given rather using the same formula of writing technique to every essay. This is a direct response essay, meaning that you will only need to answer the question in an appropriate manner.  
  
Question: In your view, what should be done to promote equality of opportunity for men and women in the workplace?  
Your answer: The government should force....... this solution takes a long time to success. Having said that, there is a problem for the government....  
  
You see, the topic merely asks for the solution, and yet, you provide extra irrelevant information in your both body paragraphs because of the writing format that you followed. I believe you thought this is an advantage vs disadvantage essay which it is not the case.  
  
It is not about deleting the last sentence in your summary in this context, it is about restating the topic, mentioning your main points once again and nothing else. This is what a summary for. Therefore, presenting a new idea should be done in body paragraphs rather than in the concluding statements.  
  
.....set a good example for ~~private companies~~.  
Referring private companies while you are discussing about the pay should base on employees' productivity is not quite accurate in the paragraph as there is no comparison between public or private in this instance.  
  
Aside from these mistakes, you showed that you have clear reasonings and were able to stick with one idea per paragraph, so you should keep on writing as it will help you become better.
## Is a computer able to help speaking foreign language without learning it?

  
  
Nowadays, computers can do a lot of human's jobs. One of them is to become a translator. It can be quick and accurate to translate one language into another. Therefore, it is not necessary to learn languages to go abroad or travel around the world. However, knowing languages plays an important part in this society. In my opinion, it is totally worth learning languages.  
  
Knowing another language is like living a different life. That sounds interesting. The key for people to learn languages is communicating. Besides, we can read books, the taste of literature, understand culture, custom or even compose music. These things cannot be done by computers. We should not computer- based. In addition, people will feel excited to write words. Rather, what if we do not bring computers along with?  
  
To success in learning a new language means getting a lot of characteristics. That is not easy to start something different. We need persistence, effort, passion, and belief in the whole process. Evidently, it takes a long time to be done. Therefore, those are good to improve themselves. We can have both knowledge and skills at the end.
Hoa, your essay has a totally confusing reference that does not make sense to the reader. If you want to make sure that the reader understands what you have to say, then you have to be sure that every sentence makes sense. Not all of your sentences have clear subjects so it comes across as a hanging sentence instead. Where did you make these mistakes?  
  
Your title alone doesn't make any sense. Are you saying that the computer cannot help a person learn to speak a foreign language because the computer is not taught the language? Actually, the computer is programmed to teach the language so in essence, the computer does learn the language.  
  
In the second paragraph, you said "We should not computer based." Computer based what? What is the subject of this sentence? The verb is not describing anything in this reference. The last line, what do you mean by "what if we do not bring computers along with?". Again, the problem with the subject in the sentence. These sentences do not make sense. There is no meaning to it. It does not relay any information. Therefore, you need to focus on improving your sentence presentations with regards to structuring it with proper subjects.
## International conferences

  
  
The line graph illustrates figures for global meetings in three different capital cities from 1980 to 2010.  
  
Overall, the most dramactic increase can be seen in the number of international conferences in city C. Meanwhile, while city A saw a significant fluctuation in the figure for meetings which were held globally, this number for city B experienced a period of stability with a slight change.  
  
In the year 1980, 35 meetings were held in city A, which was the highest number among three capital cities. The figure for international meetings in city B was lower, with the total of 30 conferences, whereas City C did not held any meeting in this year. By contrast, in the next 20 years, there was a considerable growth in the number of conferences which were held in city C, to around 27 meetings, surpassing this figure for city A. The number of global meeting in city B remained stable, at around 28 conferences at the same time.  
  
From 2005 to 2010, an opposite trend can be seen in the amount of global conferences in two cities A and C. This number for city C reached its peak of the period, at around 33 meetings, whereas city A fell sharply to hit the lowest point, at 17 conferences 2010. 27 is the total number of international meetings which were organized in city B in the same year.  
  
*
Nguyen, I do not think that you wrote this essay under time pressure practice settings. That is because you wrote 232 words, which is an unrealistic number of words to write within 20 minutes. You can only write between 150-200 words in the actual test setting. You need to learn to compress your statements within your paragraphs. Use less descriptive words and more factual references.  
  
Work on your opening summary. Make sure you always include the overview of the information you will be presenting to the reader so that there will be a clear indication of discussion points and presentation areas. That includes a presentation of the cities for comparison as these complete the summary overview information list. It also tells the reader when to expect that particular discussion in the essay.  
  
Since this is a comparative analysis essay, you should have indicated that the 3 cities hosted the same number of conferences in 2009. There is a part of the graph where there were 3 intersecting points representing the 3 cities. That means that these cities all hosted 25 conferences each during this period. This is the type of deep analysis of an image that can help to boost your scores as opposed to repetitively presenting information.  
  
You did a good job in dividing the presentation into year brackets. However, you should have clearly indicated the bracket in the third paragraph so that the reader would have been clear about what information is being presented. Be uniform in your presentation. Since you mentioned that the years for discussion in 2005 extended to 2010, then you should have done the same for the previous paragraph also.
## a gap year - an option for students

  
  
Hello, all..  
This is my first time join this comunity And also write my essay here. Can you help me to give comment for my essay? Thanks before.  
  
*Some countries, young people are encouraged to work or Travel for a year between finishing high school And before starting universities. Discuss the advantages And disadvantages, give your opinion?*  
  
It is agreed that before entering on college many young people are adviced that a year working or traveling may be a good option. This essay will suggestion that saving money is the biggest positive aspect of this And a reduced Motivation to study is the primary disadvantage.  
  
Studying In university is quite expensive And many student decide to work for twelve months And save up money before they begin their studies In next level. This allows than to pay for their living cost, tuitition fees, acomodation And focus on their studies, rather thanks struggle financially or have to get a part of time job on top their academic work. For example, many cases that average student In university especially In Indonesia, requires over 1.5 milions per month just to survive and many drop out because they cannot afford to stay.  
  
Despite these merit, many student often get used working or traveling And do not want to return to a life of study after a year off. This is short term view can cause some bypass university altogether And go straight into a job. That is beneath than capabilities or may not often the same prospects their future career night done. For example : some young people, Will be feel comfortable with their activity as a worker In a company because they think career progretion better than back to study In university. Moreover, they have accepted salary for their effort while working In the company.  
  
Based on the argument, it can be taken conclusion that taking a break from studies can be advantagenous if it allows people to gather up savings. However, they should also be careful that it dress not lend to disillusionment with Education altogether.  
  
Thank you.
Hana, the most glaring problem that struck me when I reviewed your essay was your inability to properly write in lower and uppercase letters. If you notice, you are using capitalized words in the middle of your sentences even when these words are not proper nouns. Only proper nouns and the pronoun "I" is always capitalized when used in sentences. Connecting words such as "and" are never capitalized. The rules are fairly simple to remember, if the word starts a sentence, it is capitalized. If it is a proper noun, it is capitalized. There are no other times when the word needs to be capitalized.  
  
While your grammar is not perfect, it is acceptable enough for your first try. Although the written word needs work in terms of proper sentence structure and grammar use, it is still understandable to most readers. You should work on creating a more proper English sentence structure when you do your next practice test. Maybe do more grammar exercises during your spare time so that you can practice English sentence writing without having to think about the prompt requirements as you have to do during the practice essay tests.  
  
Now, the essay uses the plural form of the words advantages and disadvantages, so you need to present at least 2 connected reasons in a single paragraph which uses proper transition sentences or phrased within the paragraph in order to create a coherent and cohesive presentation. You are being tested regarding your fluidity of thought and English writing in this instance and unfortunately, your essay did not deliver the required aspects.  
  
You are missing a concluding paragraph here. You only have a personal opinion presented at the end of the essay, which does not qualify as a closing paragraph. A closing paragraph is always different from a personal opinion because the function of that paragraph is to remind the reader about the topic for discussion and discussion points. Without that the essay is considered open ended and could receive a lower score in terms of GRA considerations because of it.
Hi, your paragraph contains lots of spelling and jumbled grammatical structures. As I see you have difficulties in typing a document, my advice is that before you submit your essay online, make a sketch on your paper first, and then type it here.  
  
Spelling mistakes, you need to pay more attention (I cannot cite all it out):  
advi~~c~~sed => advice is a noun, therefore it cannot be a verb. Advise is a verb form.  
This essay will suggest~~ion~~  
accomodation  
  
The addtional advices are what the admin has given to you. Try to keep an ear on it, and good luck with your next writing.
## continuing education or working/traveling for a year?

  
  
Nowadays in several countries, there are many young people who recently finished their high school period, decide to begin working or traveling for a year before starting university study. In this essay, i would discuss both of advantage and disadvantage before coming to the reasonable conclusion.  
  
In the one hand, Mostly of high school graduates think, it is important to acquire many experiences from new places such as work places and traveling destination. They can actually socialize with a lot of adult and get a lesson from them. So, in that way, they understand how the mature people undergo their lives. For instance, some of these people in youth apply for a simple work in car workshops. As a result, during one year, they experience new skill such as repairing and assembling machines, in addition a lot of precious information can be collected from their mentor or colleagues about coping the life obstacles. There is no doubt that it will improve young people's life in many ways and this would not have been possible without the challenge from new environment.  
  
However, this emotionally unstable people can easily get out of track from their academic career. because, job and journey gradually absorb them to be attached with ambition such as getting prestigious position in certain profession or enjoying endless trip. Afterward, it is hard to regain the concern about education. To show what I mean, In developing countries, many young people do not get educated at the level of universities. There is tendency to start working as soon as finishing high school whether they start developing small business or compete at the famous company employment. After they are hired, then they work hard till reaching satisfactory or impressive achievement. As the matter fact, no one can success over the period as short as one year. Consequently, their interest to enter university gradually fade away.  
  
As the whole, I would suggest that these young generation to consider higher education as main priority, because the higher their education, the bigger their opportunity to get the highly demanded occupation later. it will be appropriate with government plan to rise the number of skilled expert in every sectors.
Hi Hadi  
I think your essay is somewhat has rather equivalent arguments supporting for your each opinion  
But your grammar is not quite good. You lack of "s" in many words such as: adults,destinations, mentor, ect. And you seem misusing the comma in your essay to seperate sentences, which I think is not needed like "In the one hand, Mostly ... think, it is..." or "... from their academic career. because, job ..."  
  
Hope it helps
Abdul, the original instructions for this essay is not asking for your personal opinion. Neither does it ask you to come to a conclusion. It only asks that you state a few interconnected advantages and disadvantages to students taking a gap year before college. There is a misunderstanding of the prompt on your part which created a prompt deviation which might in turn, have a negative effect on your final score since you discussed something that was not included in the original prompt.  
  
You may want to try dividing your opening paragraph into a few sentences instead of trying to compress all of the thoughts from the original prompt into one sentence. I makes it difficult to follow the discussion you are trying to present. By presenting short but informative sentences, you stand a better chance of clearly explaining what the original prompt was about and also, increase your ability to present complex sentences in the essay. I would have presented this as:  
  
*With several countries seeing an increase in high school students taking a gap year before college, a discussion has come up regarding its advantages and disadvantages. While this practice does have several pros and cons, not everyone is familiar with these information. That is why this essay will compare the benefits and drawbacks of this practice.*  
  
Please note how I used several varying terms for "advantages and disadvantages" in the opening presentation. This was aimed at helping to increase the LR score for the essay. It will impress the reviewer to see the degree of your English proficiency based upon your ability to say the same thing in several ways. An example of which you can see in the above paraphrase.  
  
Again, since you are not being asked for an opinion here, you should not be saying things like "There is no doubt..." as that means you are trying to sway the reader towards a particular opinion. Since this is not an opinion essay but merely a familiarity essay, you should avoid making conclusions that might unduly influence the reader.  
  
Don't write more than the required 5 sentences, but don't write less than 3 sentences per paragraph. The aim of the Task 2 essay is to figure out if you are able to make yourself understood using a limited number of sentences in English as you will be required to do during the formal academic year in your research papers. Keep it short but informative. Complex, but understandable instead of confusing.
Hi Fuad, I was given special permission to come back and respond to your questions. Your reasoning is good. It shows an understanding of the prompt requirements. However, you constantly refer to your personal opinion with the word "I" when, as I told you this was not required in the essay. So references to general discussions are more appropriate such as "people, others, groups, individuals" and other similar terms.  
  
You also have a punctuation problem use. You are constantly using commas throughout the essay when periods are required to show a separation of ideas. I realize that you may have done that in order to get around the maximum sentence requirement but it worked against your essay because it made it difficult to read and remember what you are saying. Keep your essay short and to the point. Avoid using word fillers such as "What I mean to show is.." You don't need to constantly refer to yourself. Refer instead to the actual reason for the sentence in the quickest possible manner. You can read examples of how to accomplish that throughout this forum.  
  
Practice writing short but meaningful sentences. The best way I can think of for you to do this while you are practicing if by having you write no more than 250 words for the task 2 essays. That is the minimum word count. When you can write 250 words and still come across clearly to the reader then you have learned how to write in the expected manner for this type of test. You may write as much as 275 words but no more than that. I hope you can practice writing your essays in this manner for the time being. Focus on simple content and even simpler explanations in order to not overwrite and create confusing essay presentations.
## changes in a school on maps

  
  
**The diagrams below show the site of a school in 2004 and the plan for changes to the school site in 2024.**  
  
The two maps illustrate the location of a school in 2004 and the plan for its developments 20 years later.  
  
Overall, it is anticipated that the number of students enrolling in the school will increase from 600 in 2004 to 1000 students in 2024. Therefore, many changes will take place to enlarge the school, including the construction of many facilities.  
  
One change that stand out is that over the period, a new school building will be erected where the sports field is once situated to contain more students. Also, the other two will be joined together by a hall, which connects to a path leading to the third building.  
  
Another noticeable development is that in addition to the car park by the main entrance, the school authorities will have a second one constructed next to the newly built building after clearing some trees. Moreover, there will be a road which runs directly from the main entrance to this car park. The sports field will be relocated to a site near this road and across from the second car park.  
  
*
Moon, you did a good job in discussing the changes that will be forthcoming to the school. Even your trending statement regarding the increase in student population was well placed and developed in the presentation. However, you forgot to do one important thing. Before you can do a comparative analysis of the images, you first need to indicate what the original look of the school is. You need to explain what the original plan of the school was before you can explain why it became important to make the changes to the set up.  
  
Also, remember how I always remind you that when figures are indicated in the image, you have to use the actual data in the overview summary? Exactly. It isn't 20 years later it is "changes to be made in 2024". Don't make the reader guess. That is not how an analytical report is done. I found myself having to stop reading to compute 20 years later. By the time I had computed it, I had lost my place in the text and had to start over. That is called reader stress and can cause a lowering of your GRA score. You should have said 2024 in the summary overview and then used the "twenty years later" in the trending statement since you already told the reviewer when this would be taking place. The actual date will be remembered before you say twenty years later. Making it easier for the reader to analyze the date reference you are presenting.