dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi everyone, please give me some advices to improve my writing. Thank you ^^  
  
**Topic:**  
## IN MANY COUNTRIES TODAY THERE ARE MANY HIGHLY QUALIFIED GRADUATES WITHOUT EMPLOYMENT

  
*WHAT FACTORS MAY HAVE CAUSED THIS SITUATION AND WHAT, IN YOUR OPINION, CAN/ SHOULD BE DONE ABOUT IT?*  
  
In recent years, there are lots of people who do not have jobs in spite of the graduations of excellent qualifications. However, I do believe that there are many factors contribute to this problem and some solutions are suggested to rectify this situation  
  
To tackle the problem, we should concentrate on the causes of this issue. First of all, the number of people who are finding jobs increases in these days, so they need to be competitive with each other. If there are one hundred applicants and only one of them is hired, it could cause the problem of unemployment for the others. In addition, the individuals having experience and social skills would have higher opportunities to apply for the jobs than the students who have just graduated without work experience. For example, there are many universities which focus on widening knowledge and theories instead of helping students get used to with what they would do in the future. Therefore, less of them have chance to work on their social skills and approach future careers. Thus, this is the problem that many countries should pay attention to and find ways to solve it.  
  
There are some solutions are suggested for this issue. In term of the educational conditions, the schools should help students develop communication skills in order to get used to with job interviews after graduating. And, the students should be encouraged to have part-time jobs while they are studying to have more experiences. However, the most important factor to tackle this problem is how these students improve themselves before applying for the jobs. They need to prepare knowledge, social skills and be positive in order to prove their efforts to the employers who could hire them.  
  
In conclusion, there are many factors cause this problem, despite some suggested solutions, I believe that the most essential suggestion for this problem is how students improve themselves after graduating and finding jobs.
Were you able to complete this essay within 40 minutes? You wrote 321 words. While it will be possible for you to complete that word count within the CBT test, it will not assure you of a passing score if you do not pay attention to the correcting of errors within your given essay. Simple cases like not having the 3-5 sentence word count per paragraph, errors in spelling, conciseness, and vocabulary that remain uncorrected, all add up to point deductions for your presentation.  
  
Your opening paraphrase is not really acceptable because you failed to respond to the questions provided, which were to help the examiner determine your skills in relation to English response skills. The questions you respond to with a quick and simple reference response helps the examiner determine the level of your English understanding skills.  
  
You are wasting time with the use of long introductions to your actual topic per paragraph. Always keep the paragraphs short and direct. Use topic sentences based on the original response you gave. There are 2 questions, so use each topic sentence to start each expanded discussion paragraph. That way you do not waste word count and also, you focus on the C&C scoring requirements. Short and clear discussions score best.  
  
In your second paragraph, the more appropriate response is the second cause presentation. You should have used that immediately instead of as a second reference. That is because the second reason in the paragraph is the better developed explanation. Avoid the use of conjunctions as a sentence starter. That is wrong grammar as that is always used as a word connector so it is useless as the start of the sentence.  
  
Your solutions paragraph could use better development. The discussions are lacking in justification and evidence. So the presentation of the reasoning is unclear and a bit difficult for the reader to consider due to its lack of proper presentation and thought development.
## the problem of global warming and the rise of sea levels

  
  
Due to the shift from agricultural to industrial economy in the 21st century, humans are now confronted with not only global warming but also the steady rise in sea levels. It undoubtedly exists a great deal of problems having an inextricably interwoven connection with these and proper policies should be given to remedy the issues.  
  
On the one hand, it is unequivocal that there are enormous subsequent consequences exerted from global warming and the rise in sea levels. To commence with, they will act as a catalyst to numerous natural disasters proactively taking a toll on wild animals. For instance, in early 2020, Australia experienced record-breaking temperatures and engendered calamitous bushfires. These push species at Australian forests into an unprecedented emergency, compromising thousands of wild animals. Plus, global warming also leads to the melt of ice, diminishing the food sources of many species and driving them into extinction. Secondly, the rise in sea levels begets the lost in the world's land. A detrimental consequence of this is that a large number of people will become homeless in the near future while the world population still burgeons sharply.  
  
In order to alleviate the problems, effective solutions ought to be made to ameliorate the situation. Initially, central officials should take actions to launch legislations and campaigns to raise citizens' awareness about conserving the environment. Since global warming mostly comes from the overload of exhaust fumes, national authorities can apply heavy taxes on factories and the production of some conventional vehicles while tax exemptions can be implemented to other vehicles consuming electricity or alternative sources. By this way, residents are incentivized to use eco-friendly means of transport resulting in effort to improve the circumstances. Besides, the worldwide corporations between nations is of utmost importance to investigate ultimate policy to reduce the world temperatures. The more people cooperate, the more efforts will be made.  
  
To sum up,as not only wildlife but humans are also affected by global warming and the rise of sea levels, solutions had better be made as soon as possible to tackle the issues.
Your discussion is really wrong and not properly focused. You have not managed to keep a focus on the required discussion points in the original prompt. The original discussion focuses on the following:  
  
Topic: Global Warming  
Effect 1: biggest threat to humans  
Effect 2: sea levels continue to rise.  
  
So your proposed problems should be related to the given effect topics. Your discussion paragraphs should be properly divided between cause, effect, and solution. So at least 3 sentences in total. The format could be:  
  
Topic: Deforestation  
Result: Extreme flooding  
Supporting facts:  
Solution  
  
Topic: Rising Sea levels  
Effect: Loss of sea animal habitat  
Supporting facts:  
Solution:  
  
You need to create connected discussion points using the expected discussion elements. These are: Topic sentence, effect, supporting discussion, proposed solution. By discussing the interrelated topics in a single paragraph, you will manage to create a cohesive and coherent paragraph discussion. As of now, your essay doesn't really connect the problems with the solutions. They do not relate properly because your discussion format is incorrect.
Could you give me some advises about organization and help me fix this essay?  
  
## people are under strain and depression from their job

  
  
More and more people claim that modern work patterns are a soure of stress. What do you think are the causes of this? Can you suggest some possible solutions?  
  
It is clear that the work productivity of human contributes mainly to the global development. However, it goes along with a wide range of people being under strain and depression from their works. This essay will look at the reasons for this and propose some measures.  
  
There are several causes of this problem. The first reason is that, nowadays, in most nations in the world, working adults are being suffered by overworkload as they must work long hours, about 8 to 12 hours per day at workplace. As a result, they come home very late at night, which results in that they do not have time to relax and take care of their family well. Gradually, over time, many people are inclined to living in pressure. The second reason is that, these days, many jobs are almost short-term jobs, and people are at risk of unemployment so they tend to worry too much about finding other jobs when coming at the end of the contract.  
  
To reduce the negative effects on these issues mentioned above, there are some solutions to this problem. One of the measures suggested is that during time hard working, employers should occasionally organize some leisure activities such as: holding games and setting up trips on annual vacations for their staffs, which helps them take a rest and boost their energy and states to be possitive. Hence, they feel much more motivated and enthusiastic to turn to their employments. Besides, another solution is for goverments to launch some rules to cut out the hours working in the day and prolong the work contracts. This would help employees somewhat have time to prepare alternative approaches and decline their pressure significantly.  
  
To sum up, in term of this bustling life, people are really dififcult to seperate stressed states from works, due to many causes of working time, job insecurity, etc. However, it could be addressed by policy of companies and goverments' approaches.
You have 323 words in your essay, which means you may not have enough time to write an essay in real test, and you may make more errors. I used to struggle with this. So my tip is to shorten your sentences by trying to prioritize what is more important. For example, choose the 3 best sentences out of 5 for one statement.  
  
In the third paragraph, encouraging workers to have more time for leisure activities seems a bit contrary to the first reason in your second paragraph. Since they have to follow a set schedule, they can't just control it. Thus, it would make more sense if you put this after the solution of cutting out working hours.  
  
You often write strange phrases that is affected by Vietnamese writing, such as " people are really dififcult to seperate ...". Don't just translate them directly into English. Instead, make a few key words of the phrases you want to say and search on the internet to find what it actually is in English.
You should learn to outline your discussions before you write the essay. The main problem I see here is that you treated your brainstorming as the essay itself. You just kept writing, without considering the actual presentation. For example, in paragraph 2, you have 2 unrelated discussion points in the presentation. This created a paragraph that has one fully developed explanation and one that does not relate to the first topic and, due to the non-relationship, remained under explained. The paragraph became confusing to the reader in the process. You should always discuss based on an outlined consideration of 2 related topics.  
  
You should also remember that when the solutions are required, the word is used in plural form. So you have to present 2 related solutions in the essay that will directly relate to the 2 previous topics in the causes paragraph. When your presentations do not properly relate, there is a confusion in the presentation. When the solution presented is singular when the requirement is plural, so at least 2 solutions relevant to the causes, the presentation for that paragraph does not follow the discussion requirement for the second question.
@Holt  
Yes. In the second paragraph I mentioned the reasons why people were stressed from their works. They are working time in a day and job security. About the solutions, I suggest employer should sometimes organize leisure activites for their staffs after their hardwroking time to encourage them to be more possitive and reduce stress, and the goverment could launch some approachs to reduce the number of working hours. You can indicate 2 ideas unrelated to the topic in my essay to help me understand clearier. Thank you.
Topic:  
## Everyone should become vegetarians because they do not have to eat meat to have a good health.

  
***To what extent you agree or disagree***  
  
In this day and age, it is argued that everyone had better be in a vegetarian diet which is without meat to keep their health in good condition. While I agree that people should become vegetarians , I believe that meat is necessary for our meals.  
  
On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why people ought to become vegetarians. First, a vegetarian diet might be high in healthy nutrients, such as vitamins, fibers and minerals, which could be beneficial for the immune system. For instance, being in a vegetarian diet encourages people to eat more vegetables which are helpful to build up their immunity and avoid diseases. Second, because of not eating meat, many people could easily lose their weight by following a low calories diet. For example, people who are overweight would quickly get slimmer body and flatter their physical appearances by these diets.  
  
On the other hand, I believe that the diet which there is no meat could bring lots of harmfulness to our health . First, since there might be not enough nutrients for the metabolism of the body, that lack could cause a lot of digestive troubles. In fact, vegetarians who do not eat meat would be easily suffering from the needy of proteins, which harm to the muscle system. Second, due to not eating meat, many people are not likely to provide adequate energy for their daily routines. This means that if people have a diet without meat, they would not study or work effectively.  
  
In conclusion, while having a vegetarian diet could bring a lot of benefits for our health, I believe that meat would be extremely essential for the diet.
all of the points that i mention below are just my two cents anyway. if something is wrong, please correct me.  
... could **do a lot** of harm to our health.  
muscle system-> muscular system  
  
You can use these collocations alternatively:  
  
keep their health in good condition -> keep them in the pink of health  
... meat is necessary for our meals-> for our daily portions  
many people could easily lose their weight by ... -> shed a few pounds  
that lack could cause ... -> that deficit  
  
Hope that you will accomplish what you are aiming for
Try to avoid often used, but irrelevant phrases such as "In this day and age". It is considered part of the memorized phrases that ESL students use. Do not imply an argument when the original prompt refers to a mere suggestion.The proper reference to the original topic is "A suggestion has been made that..." The point of view required for the essay is definite. Either there is a strong support in agreement, or a strong support in disagreement. It is the emotional descriptive word prior to the dis/agreement that is looked upon when scoring based upon a clearly presented opinion. When you say you agree with both, that means, you do not have an opinion that can support a singular point of view, which is the whole basis for the discussion. You cannot use a comparative discussion in the singular opinion essay. That is why you are asked a specific question, covering only 2 choices for the response. As far as your conclusion is concerned, there is an incomplete presentation as it only represents your point of view. It lacks your original topic reference and reasoning sentence presentations.
## Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society

  
  
Nowadays, it is quite advisable for parents to show their children the way to become a significant person in the society. On the other way, many choose school to be the place to learn this. Personally, I think we should teach them in the both two environments: school and home.  
  
There are several advantages we can gain when we have the teachers show the right way properly. Firstly we can give the children knowledge and let them practice at the same time. This method has become very beneficial when we can do two things at the same time. Besides, going to school increases the interaction between pupils, help them have more good students and broaden their view to the wider horizon.  
  
Teachers are also responsible for teaching their children to become a good part of the society. They should combine with the teachers in school to bring up their children in the best way. As a result, when our children become adult, they will become more confident in their life and become beneficial for the society.  
  
In conlusion, I think teachers and parents should teach their students or children altogether instead of teaching them individually. They will help their children become good members of society if they help them in the right way.
The minute I saw the length of this essay, I knew that it would not meet the minimum word requirement. Upon double checking your word count, I was able to confirm that you under wrote in the essay. 213 words means there will be a percentage deduction from your TA score based on the missing 37 words. Believe it or not, you will be starting off your presentation handicapped. That means, you already have a failing score to contend with due to the word count error. When the other spelling, grammar, and vocabulary errors are included in the final scoring consideration, you may fail to achieve even a passing band score. Next time, aim to write the 250 minimum word count. Try to develop no more than 290 words for maximum scoring consideration. Never write under the minimum word count, you practically assure yourself of failing the test when you write less than the required minimum word count.
Well the length of the passage does not meet the minimum length required. Moreover, there are some phrases that do not collocate, and there are some grammar mistakes in your essay. You should proofread it more carefully to avoid these errors.  
  
And you write in your thesis statement that we should combine the two methods but you just mentioned the advantages of schools and teachers. Therefore, it would be better for you to change your thesis statement or to write about the role of parents.
## Nowadays, many people cannot read or write

  
***What problems does this cause? What measures can governments take to solve these problems?***  
  
In today's world, there are a number of people who are unable to read or write. Though this case has some problems, it could be alleviated by many effective remedies.  
  
On the one hand, a number of problems are resulted from the inability to read or write. First, when in important situations, people who have difficulty over reading and writing may not fully comprehend the information. As a result, they are more likely to be misled and do harm to themselves. Laborers, for example, who are incapable of reading, may be exploited physically as they do not deeply understand what is written in the contract. Second, since a person cannot write, he may run into a wide range of troubles, especially when it comes to dealing with the government and verifying legislative documents. For instance, those who are unable to write may not be able to finish required papers, such as making a petition to send their local authority, or giving signature.  
  
On the other hand, there are two solutions that can be implemented to tackle this issue. Chief among them is that the government should invest more money in education. For example, they should build more schools, especially those in the remote areas, or launch campaigns to raise people's awareness about education. Thus, people are likely to change their mindset about the importance of learning, and be able to approach it more easily. Secondly, there should also be well-trained staff who take responsibility for supporting these people. As a result, even if someone does not possess complete writing and reading skills, they would be able to get through administrative formalities.  
  
To sum up, regardless of the fact that there are some people who can neither read nor write, this situation could be effectively avoided by some ways suggested above.  
  
(270 words)
## the obesity problem

  
  
For a few decades lately, people have not cared so much about their health as they did. Therefore, an unorganized life style occurred in the majority of people that would probably lead to crucial illness or even death. One of the most attentive symptoms that people are easily involved in is obesity. This essay will look at some main causes and draw a few solutions relating.  
  
From what i have seen, the primary reason severely puts pupils into overweight condition is that people have been consuming an enormous amount of junk food or others considered not good for health. Specifically, citizens seem rather to buy food from a street food-stall or a convenient store nowadays than make it on themselves due to its both cheap prices and amazing flavor. In particularly, in Viet Nam, teenagers are highly addicted to non-healthy food which can be enumerated as: milk tea, coffee, fast food, etc. The way forward could be to propagandize or even educate them about people's health and show them how bad could it be when they eat so much high calories food in near future. This solution may make them pay more awareness on what they are doing, ergo may reduce the obese rate.  
  
Secondly, thanks to the innovation of technologies, people are now so unwilling to put their phone down to go out for a walk or can't afford the pay for the gym. This lack of activities would obviously cause obesity because they compensate more calories than they need. For example, if you eat totally 2000 calories a day but you just run on errands which only need about a thousand in total, the redundant calories will be accumulate and consequently you will be overweight after few months. The solution is for governments to build more free outdoor exercising devices. This act may stimulate people to get out of their home and start working out because it's free and near.  
  
In conclusion, obesity is a big problem that we need to concern about properly. Although, those kind of unhealthy food taste well, it's still harmful and need consuming under your control. In my opinion, unless we start to change and obey a healthy meal plan, we will soon not only be overweight but also other severe illness.
The focus of this essay, based on the original prompt is not obesity among adults but rather, obesity among children. The reference point is that children now suffer adult illnesses like obesity. So your topic restatement is faulty as it does not acknowledge the original information in the proper manner. You have not given an accurate restatement of the original prompt.  
  
Your discussion paragraphs start off properly with the reference to children, but then moves into the adult reference territory. Again, this is an incorrect discussion method as the focus of the essay should remain on the kids. All synonyms for children must be used throughout the presentation. You should not fall back into referring to adults because they are not the target topic of the discussion. So the discussion is tangential in response and will be scored accordingly.
In the example you gave in the third paragraph, you should avoid using the word "you" in an essay, because this is academic writing. Instead, replace "you" with people, or a specific group, such as consumers.  
  
In your conclusion, avoid saying " In my opinion, ....". This is because the question asks you about the causess and solutions, it doen't ask for your opinion. So, don't waste your time on this and be run-on.