dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Thomas, I wish you had included a file copy of the advertisement that you are discussing in the essay. That way we could have a clearer point of reference for your discussions in the paper. If there is one thing that I would like to suggest for the improvement of your presentation, it would have to be regarding the demographics of the ad. Who is the ad designed for? If we know the target audience, age range, buying capacity, and other relevant material, or information regarding the target ages and scenarios. Connecting the demographics by making them inclusive to the research statements allows the research to present more accurate information to the reader and properly supports your claims and documentation in the report.
I enjoyed editing one of your paragraphs. You have a lot of good material. Here are a few suggestions to improve the overall unity and coherence of your essay:  
  
Why did this company lure its audience with a competitive interplay of time and money~~invoke competition between money and time to~~ ? Unfolded, the ad uses pathos by speaking to society's resilient cultural constructions, ~~keenly known to new adults,~~ defining a good life as ~~consisting of~~ two discrete and paradoxical categories -- ~~, at once opposed and unified~~ the money made and time spent making it -- ~~and of all the relations between the two as~~through an inherent psychological battle for dominance ~~in the observer's brain~~ . ~~This can be seen in the visually competitive framework of the ad when it is~~not folded out**[Unfolded? Relocated to beginning.]** . ~~The stern message of~~Moreover, "Remember: Money is everything in life" is contrasted with a collection of clock parts (London). This ~~visual competition~~visually competitive framework speaks to the cultural realities ~~enacted in daily life~~of consumers' everyday lives; that is,~~,~~ where abstract ideals of time spent on 'what matters' are continuously accosted by the necessity for money to do 'what matters.'(i) **[I like your point here. It reads well.]**~~Given this~~Such a dichotomy compels~~there is a clear need of the advertiser for~~ the ~~viewer~~observer to ~~only~~ consider only these two choices, which is further~~reflected~~reinforced by~~in~~ the strategic use of background colours ~~of the ad~~ . ~~Black and a whitish cream, with a strategically absent gray.~~ No wiggle room; just a binary set of culturally infused ideas: Black and white with no gray scale.~~This approach draws in viewers and starts a slow stream of questions and intrigue.~~
**Some suggest that young people should take a job for a few years between school and university. Discuss what the advantages and disadvantages might be for people who do this**  
  
The time when young people finished their school and before take a lecture in the college that is opportunity time to take a job in the adolescence. Although there are some advantages to working in young time, I believe that many disadvantages too. The advantages are the enrich work experience and financial matters, meanwhile, the disadvantages are lack of the academic knowledge and also deficiency on finances.  
  
One of two advantages is they who decide to work after school graduation will have enlarged work skill. For the first example, the fresh graduate who early has academic experience such as study oriented, working the task, and only reading or writing skill, in the next time in other places like industry or working area will more learn about keep on stay good process and also they can communicate with many people, so it will increase their new knowledge. For the second example, young people who take a job early after school and before enroll be the student of the university will increase the financial matters in their life. They will have self-income from their job and also it can help family economical in order to suffice with standard life matters.  
  
However, there are many disadvantages of the adolescent who get work in early time before they study in college. Firstly, the young people will have the lack of academic knowledge because many their times has been wasted to focus on the job in the industry. They must review again many studying materials which they are gotten in school level. Secondly, the young people who decide don't to work in transition time, between school and university, will have the financial problem in their life because the need some necessaries to towards the life, but they don't have many ultimates to keep their necessity.  
  
Finally, I can conclude about the decision of the graduate school which will take a job has many advantages to increasing their knowledge and work skill, but it also has many disadvantages in the academic knowledge . I suggest that the adolescent must envisage the two decision in order to appropriate with their life.
Hi Yuri, there are several mistakes i found in your summary.  
1.~~The time when~~ young people (...) the college that is opportunity time to take a job in the adolescence. --> what do you means for that sentence?  
  
2. that is an opportunity ~~time~~  
3.The advantages are ~~the~~ enrich work experience ...  
4. ... some advantages ~~to working~~(to infinitive to+ bare infinitive) in young time(improper paraphrase)  
many advantages ~~to increasing~~ their knowledge (to infinitive to+ bare infinitive)  
5. ... also it can help family ~~economical~~economy in order to suffice with the standard life matters.  
6.people who decide ~~don't~~ do not to work ...  
7.two ~~decision~~ decisions (plural/singular problem)
hallo yurike here my suggestion for you..  
  
*... some advantages to~~working~~**work** in young time, I believe that **THERE ARE** many disadvantages too.  
... work experience and **financial matters,** meanwhile, the disadvantages (...) and also **deficiency on finances**.*  
  
**From your introductory, i think you need learn more about grammatical. First, about to infinitive. In your essay you put v-ing after to in which your mean is to infinitive. It is essential for you to know this, that after to, in form to infinitive, is V1. The second is about your thesis statement, why you put financial matters as the benefits and it also as your drawbacks. It is quite odd and makes reader confuse with your essay. It will make the reader did not fascinate to continue read your essay. So better if you create it quite far between the advantages and its disadvantages.**  
  
Good Luck!
Hello Yurike...  
  
... time to take a job~~in the adolescence.~~ Although there are some advantages to working in (...) that many disadvantages too. The advantages are the enrich work (...), meanwhile, the disadvantages .  
TASK:  
Some suggest  
  
1. In the question, there is word "some suggest" . But, in your introduction I can't find any paraphrasing of this. maybe "one of the people's opinion / some argue" or the others. Because it is actually someone's argument, so you must enter it in your introduction.  
  
2. RED : what is your meaning of in the adolescence ? "di masa kecil ? " Please avoid to be likely directly translate from Indonesia. Make sure it's appropriate when it's used in English  
  
3. advantages - disadvantages : repetition ------------> pros and cons / positive and negatives / benefit and drawbacks / good and bad / great and worst /
**The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries.**  
  
These days, most of countries have faced intensity of teenagers crime. However, young people should not be blame as the utmost responsible for this issue. As teenager's crime is escalating in society, adult people, specially parents, role due to the impact of tenagers behave should be assesed.  
  
There are several possibilities of the crime improvement among tenagers. Family background is the fundamental reason of this problem. Either the lack of attention or over protective act giving to the tenagers will lead to unsatisfied feeling which than presented as unproper behaviour in society. For instance, most of teenagers who experienced broken home get only less attention from their parents. The lack of attention could be such the parents neglect their needs. To get what they want, but not from the parents, teenagers will start to involve in crime like steeling or grabbing stuffs from the store. Moreover, situation and condition of society member are also entangle to this problem. Civilization with low and medium earning class will have higher probability to become a factor that their teenage people get in crime. The improvement of teenage demans compared with lower wages people earn are imbalance that will lead to many chaos in society caused by teenagers.  
  
Therefore, to tackle this serious problem, the involvement of parents and adult people in society should be increased and expanded. For example, the communication between parents and their children must be continued eventhough their family has separated. Additionally, all society have some activities gain teenagers engagement, such as arts performance, camping, and work together to clean up their environment.  
  
To sum up, there has been a clear evidence that the increasing of tenagers crime is not only the teenage fault but also the lack of attention from parent and weak condition of society. Therefore, communication between parents and children, also creating social activities will be the best sollution to overcome this issue.
Nurhikmah, due to the absence of the prompt, I can only focus on delivering feedback related to grammatical range and accuracy and not the content. The detailed descriptions below should help you.  
  
- These days, most ~~of~~ countries...  
- However, young people should not be ~~blame~~blamed as the ~~utmost~~entirely, totally, wholly | chiefly, largely, mainly, primarily | individually | collectively, jointly | formally, legally | nominally | financially responsible for this issue. (utmost = adj. responsible = adj. Double adjective is inappropriate. Those are the list of adverbs that can be collocated with the word responsible)  
  
- ... in society, adult people role , especially parents, ~~role~~~~due to the impact of tenagers behave~~ should be assesseddue to the impact from teenagers' behavior.  
  
Overall, I reckon that this essay has poorly structured sentences and many spelling errors. This would not be beneficial towards your final grading and it might only get 5 or below in an actual IELTS test. My suggestion is that you need to proofread your essay several times for at least 1-2 minutes before submitting it to avoid unnecessary mistakes. Good luck for the next practice and welcome to EssayForum :)
Hi, these are my thought towards your essay  
  
First paragraph :  
  
These days, most ~~of~~ countries have faced the increment intensity ...  
... escalating in society, adult ~~people~~ , specially parents, (...) should be ~~assesed~~assessed  
  
... possibilities of the crime ~~improvement~~ among tenagers.  
(improvement is not the right collocation for the crime)  
  
Thank you
The three pie charts compare the changes in annual spending by local government in several lands in 1980, 1990 and 2000. Overall, the higher eduction always in a highest level in all of the period. It was contrastable with environmental services, where it was standing in the second position from above.  
  
The higher education was standing in the first position with percentage 35% in 1980. In a decade, it increased to 45% in 1990, and in 2000, it decreased to 40%. K-12 education was standing in the second position with proportion 25% in 1980, and other part such as transportation (16%), health and human recources (14%) in 1980. Transportation had sharply decreasing to 6% in 1990, but it increased to 20% in 2000.  
  
Environmental services was the lowest position with proportion 4% in 1980. In 1990, it increased with percentage to 5%, and it increased again to 9% in 2000. It was a positive trend, that was increased in every decade.
Overall, the higher eduction always in a ... - ...the higher education have always stayed/stood at the highest level over the period.  
  
It was contrastable with environmental services, where it was standing in the second position from above - without the charts, i am not able to edit that part of your report, but it definitely requires some work. First, the grammatical structure looks poor, as well as the overall meaning, which from my point of view looks very difficult to understand.  
  
The higher education was standing in [...] 2000, it decreased to 40% - try to use variety of grammatical structures and describing words to put emphasis on the occurring changes.  
  
In a decade, it increased to 45%, while 10 years later a small decrease has been experienced by the higher education's proportion, as it went down to 40%.  
  
and other part such as transportation (16%), (...) (14%) in 1980. (what about them? in the. In the first part of your sentence, you just present a fact, so there is no correlation between the two parts.)  
  
Transportation had sharply decreasing -- .. decreased  
  
Environmental services was the lowest position ... --- ...received the lowest proportion of spendings with only 4% of the whole sum.  
  
Boost you vocabulary - you've used "increase" in every possible occasion. Try using verbs like - exceed, rise, go up.  
  
Also, in order to emphasis on the changes occurring throughout, use proper adjectives - like approximately, extremely, dramatically...
According to study in rats, people usually cannot remember their moment when they are 2-year- old, but with the right trigger it could be to re-remember because it still stays in our brains. Alessio Travaglia from New York University said that remembering our two or three years moments is rarely happen. Some opinions said that it is caused by the extraordinary development of new neurons which are disturb forming of early childhood brains. It occurrence is called infantile amnesia.  
  
Travaglia and his colleagues believed that rats also bear infantile amnesia, as it they begun a study to the rats, 17-day-old rats, which is equal to a 2 to 3-year-old child. They found that after giving the rats several trigger, they could remember their moment again, it showed that with the right trigger, the lost memories could reactivate. They also compared the brains of young and adult rats, then found a moving of amount of several proteins in the hippocampus of rats caused by the increasing age ,and than find a essential protein called BDNF, when it was injected into young rats, they could keep their memories. However, Travaglia prefer to apply the discovering to the human. Beside it, Patricia Bauer from Emory university in Atalanta, and Jonathan Lee from University of Brimingham,UK, didn't agree that the discovering can apply to human, because between human and rats memories is totally different.
Dedy,  
here's my analysis towards your article summary.  
  
- ...moment when they are still~~2-year- old~~2 years old , but with the right trigger it could make them~~be~~ to ~~re-~~ remember because ~~it still stays~~that moment is actually still exist in ~~our~~their brains.  
  
- ...new neurons which ~~are~~ disturb ~~forming~~the formation of early childhood brains.  
- ~~It~~This occurrence is called...  
- ... 17 days old~~17-day-old~~ rats, which is equal to a 2 to 3 ~~year-old~~years old child.  
- ... the rats several triggerS , they ~~could~~can remember their moment again, it ~~showed~~shows that with (...) lost memories ~~could reactivate~~can be reactivated . (this is a facts/findings, present tense is the most appropriate)  
  
Overall, I can see that you seem still confuse when to decide to use particular tense and this might hamper your grammatical range and accuracy. Try to mind the above-mentioned feedback. I hope this would be helpful :)
hy Ded,  
I have some sugsestions for you...  
... or three years moments ~~is~~were rarely happen.  
Some opinions said that it ~~is~~was caused by (...) neurons which ~~are~~was~~disturb~~disturbed forming of early childhood brains.  
It occurrence ~~is~~was called infantile amnesia.  
as ~~it they~~they or it (double verb, you should choose 1) begun a study (...), which ~~is~~was equal to a 2 to 3-year-old child.  
  
Generally, I proud with your summary, but you make some mistakes about SV agreement and tenses. If you talk about moment in the past, so you must consist with past tense, not mix them.
I want to talk about article of John's job interview.  
  
John is a unemployment now. He wants to do an interview at the school in 20 minutes. He has to go to the school, but his keys is lost.  
  
He finds the keys in his bed, on the table, and in his backpack. So he get the keys in his pocket.  
John goes to the school. He comes faster. So he visits the head master. The head master says to john," your interview is the next day." John has 2o hours. He laughs and goes home.  
  
Tomorrow, john finished to do an interview. He goes to the school. He get the head master for one hour. So the head master gives a job for john, gives prize, and gives a calendar . so they laugh together because jhon and the head master are happy.  
  
That all the article of john's job interview.
Iman, I cannot see the point of your writing. Is it truly a summary? Or you just create that story by yourself? First of all, it seems 'odd'. I am really sure that it wasn't come from an article. Who is John? Artist? Researcher? Whoever John is, it seems to me he suddenly came out from nowhere, without any clear background.  
  
However, if then for example you admit that this is the story that you made by yourself. I strongly suggest you to change the title. Just write "A story of John the 'unemployed' person" or something related to that particular title. Do not add any additional details like "summary article" or even "IELTS task 2" on your title to avoid confusion of the reader.  
  
Then, with regards to your 'essay', try to focus on the format first. I am pretty sure that this is about a recount story that happened in the past. Therefore, past tense is the most appropriate tense that you can use.
At that point in time, We remembered one of the best teachers in United states. He born in 1930 in la paz, Bolivia. Both of his parents were teachers .  
  
On the other hands, to follow his parents footsteps, jaime came to The united states in order to learnt speak English and repeated his collage education and teacher training.  
  
In 1974, mr.jaime became a teacher in Garfield high school to teach mathematic, almost all of his students came from poor area in Los angeles, California. Lots of them had serious problems in illegal drugs, gengs and violence.  
  
Jaime started an advanced math program with a small group of students, 18 of his students took the advanced placement test in calculus, they all passed.  
  
At the present time, Jaime received lots of teaching award from the government. Then he retired from teaching in 1988, and died on march 30,2010
**India shrine: Women enter Mumbai's Haji Ali after ban ends**  
  
In India a group of women had entered the Temple of Haji Ali Mosque Mumbai, four years after they were banned by the people to understand Sufi. The high court in Mumbai has been set in August of the prohibition of "violating the constitution" and discriminatory against women. In recent months, India has launched a campaign about allowing women to be able to go to religious shrines.  
  
Although women were allowed to enter the compound of the mosque Haji Ali, in 2012 the ban prevented them from entering the inner sanctum, which houses the tomb of the Sufi saint. Approximately 100 women have entered the temple on Tuesday, Zakia Soman rights groups Bharatiya Muslim Mahila Andolan (BMMA), told the BBC.  
  
The BBMA has challenged the ban on women entering the temple of the 15th century in the Mumbai high court. Women from all over India have petitioned the court to revoke the ban and many of them were among the group who entered the mosque to pray, said Ms Soman. Campaigners say the decision male scholars' to keep the woman from the imposition of patriarchal religion in the name of religion.
The first records which were recorded on behalf of everyone in the record books that were made when Quirinius served as governor of Syria, precisely in the heyday of the Emperor Augustus. So, Joseph had to go to Bethlehem in Judea and leave Nazaret because everyone had to go to his village to take down their names.  
  
The time, when Joseph would have a baby, after he was engaged with Mary and than Mary wore dress to her first child whom have just born and laid him on the bed fingers.  
  
At the night, when the angels descend, they put out light to the people around there. Than the people were fears and than the angel said that the people did not to scare of them, because they only wanted to give them a good news, that the children whom was born by Mary is a blessed child of god.  
  
Source: readitenglish
**Some people think when recruiting, companies should aim to take on people who are innovative and able to work independently while others considered they should recruit people who are able to work in a team and follow instructions. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
In recent years, the majority of people believe that company need an employee who has brilliant idea and able to work individually. Though, other people argue that teamwork skill and obedient people are more suitable to a company. However, I am inclined to believe that, working together and easy to be given order are more valuable to support a company rather than innovative people. This essay will first discuss about new idea able to solve problem and then talk togetherness and follow the command as the main value in company.  
  
To start with, it is totally true that company need to hire the best worker. People who are able to fix the problem and have smart idea will be the main target for a company owing to the fact that they can provide the best solutions to the situation that appears in their job. According to Alex Baharudin, an employer who has worked in Google for seven years reveals that Google started to recruit smart and independent employee to maintain the most difficult job. So, to my way of thinking, the owner of the company can manage individual skills to make the company better.  
  
On the other hand, working as a team will give more improvement in many sectors. The worker is able to discuss and talk about the opinion to maximize the solutions that have to be done. Besides, the boss will never get difficulty to order what the company need. For instance, Unilever needs an employee to discuss about new product and how to advertise in public by working together, and the results are extremely success. To my mind, company needs many solutions to be more successful and it can be obtained by hiring people who have more social soul.  
  
To sum up, people who have amazing innovation and can work individually are needed in company nevertheless, the ability to work together and obedient people are the most integral requirement to recruit new worker.
Hello mardian,  
  
this is my advice for you, hope it can help you and feel free to correction me too.  
  
If you want to get higher score write at least 250 words >> TASK ACHIEVEMENT you must cover all the requirements of the task, select and highlight the appropriate information, and present an overview  
  
THEN  
COHERENCE AND COHESION >> please you must connected your answer with question, don't go out off topic  
GRAMMATICAL RANGE & ACCURACY >> using good words and reduce error grammatical