dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Le, while your approach to the essay is acceptable, your opening paragraph is not accurate paraphrase of the original prompt, your paragraphs are not fully developed, and your concluding paragraph is not a proper summary of the preceding discussion. After that listing, I now want to individually discuss the mistakes that you made. That way you will be very clear about the error in your writing and be able to correct in the future.  
  
The opening paraphrase and the concluding summary must be comprised of at least 3 sentences in order to gain proper GRA and C&C scoring considerations. Writing long sentences may seem proper to you but in terms of scoring, you lose points because all you did was write run-on sentences. Overly long sentences, that are separated by commas when periods should have been used shows a lack of punctuation knowledge and little developed sentence structuring skills. Always use the 3-5 sentence paragraph presentation and refrain from using commas when periods are more applicable. These are writing methods that are guaranteed to increase your GRA and C&C scores.  
  
Try to limit your discussion per paragraph to only one topic. You see, when you present more than one topic per paragraph, you don't really get to explain your reasons for saying such a thing. Instead, you only present so-called "Talking Points" which means you only provide possible reasons but no supporting evidence for your claims. This weakens the C&C presentation even further and lessens the overall scoring potential of your presentation.  
  
Now, for the closing paragraph, never present additional reasoning in this paragraph because this is called a summary conclusion for a reason. A summary conclusion takes the shortened version of the body paragraphs , the reasons you provided, then presents it as a reminder to the reader. Then a closing sentence is made by repeating your opinion of the topic. That is why a summary conclusion should never include a new or additional information for discussion. You only have 5 paragraphs for this type of essay writing and each paragraph has a specific function, as you know for sure, that is used to present your discussion of the topic.  
  
Should you decide to apply the corrections to your writing that I suggest, I believe that you will see a marked improvement not only in your writing skills, but also you overall score.
Hello everyone. Please check my essay on the below topic. Thank you so much.  
  
## attending private cram schools

  
  
**In many countries, students attend private 'cram schools' for extra coaching in test-taking techniques. What is your view of this practice?**  
  
In some countries, students are fully occupied in extra classes to learn more skills used in exam after compulsory hours in their school. In my opinion, this practice would lay great stress on students due to the fact that they have to learn too much.  
  
First, private cram schools would become an enormous burden on students. In fact, students feel tired after a long day studying at their school so they should take a rest to recharge their batteries instead of receive extra classes. If they spend much time in coaching class, they will fell exhausted, lose their enthusiasm for learning and play truant. Furthermore, they may suffer from depression because they have to learn hard to pass the test with flying colors by all means regardless of cheating on the exam.  
  
Second, attending private cram schools would lead to shortage of leisure time. Students should take part in some after-school activities which do wonders for their development in social skills, sense of self, cooperation and communication skill. Therefore, students should not attend too much extra classes to have time to develop vital skills for future life. In addition, outdoor games like hide-and-seek, capture the flag and kick the can are an indispensable part of childhood that create many meaningful memories for children. Thus, pupils should have their free time to enjoy these activities.  
  
In conclusion, students should not be overwhelmed by attending in private cram schools. They should have a balance blend of learning and entertaining activities to have mental and physical development.
Good essay. Small corrections:  
-instead of ~~receive~~ receiving  
-~~learn~~ study hard , study ...  
  
Your weakness point in this essay is linking words, as I see your paragraph is not really well-structured and it's kinda inconvenient to read. Be more scrupulous next time.  
  
P/s: I like your citing examples of outside games :D (hide-and-seek, capture the flag and kick the can). I can find myself back in the day mang :)
## don't lose your mind when accessing social networking

  
  
Exhaustedly spending my quality time at the end of the day surfing phone screen in the hope for something being able to recharge your battery before bedtime, at a sudden i caught sight of of a nude photo with nasty sayings on the post . Taking a deep breath, i told myself to calm down and reported that account at once . Hopefully, a more significant post will come to my newsfeed tomorrow...  
  
Internet was created with an aim for a more socialized and well-knowledged society through its uncountable powerful tools and functions. However, there has been a rapid growth in the figure for online delinquency in these modern days. Out of those , illegal contents owning and spreading does cause large damage to community than ever.  
  
Blatantly found in every single posts and comments , such erotic files and links which used to be regarded as illegal forms of sexually explicit content possession and passing now are widespread on social media and escape from from the authority management. Will this negative trend ruin away the reputation of a particular person together with the defense of doubtful belief that networking is a safe and sound second world for humanity?  
  
The answer to this question is an emphatic 'yes'. When it comes to an individual whose unwanted photos or videos are passing on out of control, he may definitely  
  
suffer from both heavy media pressure and publicity eyes, leading to many other incidents. Should neither his family nor friends stand by his side during this dark time period , there is more likelihood that he will lose himself in worse evils , like getting drunk, medicine, even killing others or suicide. To put it simply, the result of sharing one's censored information through social media is a string of long-standing terrible effects on his present and future status.. And the more people get to know about it, the earlier this string starts up . Moreover, not only one panic individual, but it is also about the loose government supervision.To many tough minds, our real world are used to be filled with the balance of bad and good put under strict rules along with law of natural but whether the presence of huge cyber world help us to keep maintain this balance or break it off has really struck the desire of millions of families to have a better online environment for their own sake  
  
Some solutions have been put forward to this problem. Technophiles who tend to be overdependent on their smartphones g et more chances of turning into an addiction out of handle. Therefore,knowing the right usage and suitable time management would keep us away from being either the victims of online trends or cyberbullies. Moreover, it is a common strategy that the most efficient of mean of informing is to pass through social network. Therefore, that keeping a sharp eyes on how their residents stay online is never abundant when it comes to media coverage  
  
Remember that one click on share button can result in many things . So don,t lose your mind when accessing social networking.
## the amount of waste produced in six different countries

  
  
The table below shows the amount of waste production (in millions of tonnes) in six different countries over a twenty-year period.  
  
The graph compares the amount of waste that were produced in six different countries in the year 1980, 1990, 2000.  
  
It is clear that US produced the more waste than any other countries in each of the years. Furthermore, Korea was the only country showing a decrease of waste production between 1980 and 2000 while other nations rose the waste production during the period.  
  
Between 1980 and 2000, waste production waxed from 131 to 192 million tonnes in US, and there was also a trend of rise in Japan, Poland, Portugal. Japan was a second high waste producer having 28 million tonnes waste production and rose to 53 million tonnes in two decades, whereas Poland and Portugal saw a total increase from 4 to 6.6 and from 2 to 5 million tonnes respectively.  
  
However, the table showed a great difference in Ireland and Korea. In Ireland, the waste production was made more than eightfold showing a large increase from solely 0.6 million tonnes in 1980 to 5 million tonnes in 2000. Korea, by contrast, reduced its waste production roughly 12 million tonnes from year 1990 to 2000.  
  
*
Hi, here are some suggestions:  
  
The graph {this is not a graph, it is a chart or table} compares  
  
amount of waste that was produced ... in the years 1980...  
  
It is clear that the US produced ~~the~~ more waste than any of the other countries  
  
... of waste produced between 1980 ... nations increased their waste production  
  
... waste production waxed {this sounds pretty odd - waxed is really only used for the moon phases} from ...  
  
there was also a rising trend in Japan, Poland, and Portugal. Japan was the second highest waste ... tonnes of waste production , which rose to 53 million tonnes over the following two decades  
  
... difference between Ireland ... production expanded more than ... from only 0.6 ...  
  
... from the year ...
## many small, local businesses are unable to compete with the big supermarkets

  
  
*Due to the development and rapid expansion of supermarkets in some countries, many small, local businesses are unable to compete. Some people think that the closure of local business will bring about the death of local communities.[/b]  
  
[b]To what extent do you agree or disagree.  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
My writing  
  
In recent years, the prevalance of supermarkets in some countries causes the disadvantages for the small businesses. Some people believe the inactivity of these businesses lead to the death of local communities. I partially agree with this stament and the explanations will be cited out below.  
  
It is undeniable that there are growing numbers of shopping markets being built in several countries which dominant over minor businesses. The first and foremost reason is that these supermarkets are financially supported by enterprises, therefore they offer variety of products with different brands and usages. Thus, they attract more customers to spend their budgets on. Another thing to be identified is that those goods of supermarkets are usually undergone strict quality checks by authorities, in which scarcely be found in smaller businesses. Hence, buyers will choose supermarkets as a reliable sources for daily demands.  
  
Nevertheless, the local businesses cannot be executed. This can be explained by the closeness between these businesses and people. For instance, despite more shopping centers being opened in some undeveloped areas in Vietnam, minor businesses can still survive because they understand the locals' needs and they are readily able to communicate with customers, which is not prevalent at all in national supermarkets. In addition, some stocks of supermarkets are imported from smaller businesses, in which creat more income and job opportunites for those local companies.  
  
In conclusion, the commoness of shopping centers can result in the underdog of many tiny businesses, yet it is unlikely to claim that this is the end of smaller businesses in the future.  
  
*It looks like I have trouble with thesis stament in the introduction, and the conclusion is somewhat iffy in my opinion. Any helps are all be held of value by me.*
Weak areas are grammar, sentence structure, wrong use of words e.g minor business.  
  
For conclusion follow this structure,  
Rephrase/summarize para 1 and para 2 and then agree / disagree.  
  
Practice more and more. Official guide to Cambridge is of great help. Follow Pauline ( official test writer).  
  
Read carefully about the band descriptors . It will help you to practice in the right direction.
prevalence  
  
these businesses in your first paragraph may refer to the small businesses, but you'd better to replace it with "local businesses" to eradicate the examiner's bias.  
  
As you've chosen to partially agree with this phenomena. You'd better to state  
  
*"This essay will argue on both point as well and I suppose that the following statements will clarify about the argument"*  
  
I figured out you used "despite" in the third paragraph, what it comes after despite should be noun/noun phrase. To revise it, you may change it into :  
  
"Although the shopping centers has been being opened in some underdevelop areas . . . ."  
  
I'd suggest you not to include Vietnam or any factual truth to the writing task 2 essay since this essay is certainly examine your opinion and not including several fact/truth. Moreover, the band 9 score esssays aren't involving these kind of information.  
  
Furthermore, the band 9 score essays write the precise position in which it helps them to organize the essay and regardless your lavish vocab, you have to be able to present your exact position thus the examiner will be fully understand which one is outweighing your essay though
THE CHART BELOW SHOWS FIGURES FOR ATTENDANCES AT HOSPITAL EMERGENCY CARE DEPARTMENTS IN NORTHERN IRELAND BY AGE GROUP IN DECEMBER 2016 AND DECEMBER 2017.  
  
## 'hospital attendances' bar chart

  
  
The bar chart compares the number of visits made by people in six different age categories to hospital emergency in  
Northern Ireland in the December of 2016 and 2017.  
  
It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one visited the most attendances in emergency. Also, there was a  
trend of increase in each age period from December 2016 to December 2017.  
  
The elderly people who aged 75 and over had the highest frequency in attending hospital, which stood at approximately 62 out of every 1000 people in December 2016. And it made an increase to around 65 per 1000-population after a year. Interestingly, age 45 to 64 and age 65 to 74 showed nearly less than half the elderly people visiting in hospital, with only about 28 and 30 per 1000-population respectively in the December of 2016.  
  
Under the age of 5, the youngest people had the second large amount spending time in the emergency from around 50 and roughly 53 per 1000-population within a year. Young children had a fewest attendance to hospital from age 5 to 15 just over 20 per 1000-population in both months. Finally, there was only a tiny difference in visiting hospital from age 16 to 44, at just 1 per 1000-popution.  
  
*
1, It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one--> group visited the most attendances in emergency.--> You should name the age group specifically, and wrong collocation with "visit' and 'attendance'--> get/have the most visits.  
  
2, which stood at approximately 62 ... ---> relative clause error--> with approximately 62 out of 1000 people in December 2016.  
  
3, And it made an increase to ...---> you should mix 2 sentences into 1 complex sentence: The number of attendances by the elderly people who aged 75 and over took account for the highest one in 2016, at approximately 62 out of every 1000 people, before increasing slight to around 65 per 1000-population after a year.
Shao, try to limit your writing to 200 words at the most. You are writing way too many words in your essays which will make it very difficult for you to perfect your essay during the actual test due to the time limitations. Say everything within 4 paragraphs of no less than 3 sentences, no more than 5. Practice doing this now while you still can so that you will be able to estimate how long it actually takes you to write a comprehensive analytical report essay. While you did write the essay per paragraph within sentence limitations, you presented more run-on sentences which created problems with clarity in your presentation. If you are spending too much time writing the paragraphs because you are too wordy, then you will make the quality of your work, based on the scoring criteria suffer.  
  
You could have done a better job on the summary overview. Aside from presenting the type of chart and the chart coverage plus the trending statement, there are some other information you could have presented. Specifically, the type of measurement presented and the age range presented in the chart.  
  
Don't get me wrong, you did a very good analysis presentation of the chart. It is just that you could have written it better by allowing yourself time for editing. For example, you would have realized that you accidentally started a sentence with a connecting word:  
  
And it made an increase  
The correct sentence kick-off would have been, "An increase can be seen..." or something similar. Always remember that connecting words such as "and" are used to connect 2 separate ideas that share a common discussion denominator. The connecting word is used in the middle of the sentence, never at the beginning where there are no ideas to connect.
Firstly, your opening as it is assumed as your introduction paragraphs has successfully done without any mistakes I found.  
  
Despite your top-notch prelude, I have figured out several aspects that it might help you to revise this essay.  
  
Firstly, I want to revise your 3rd paragraph.  
  
**The elderly people who aged 75 ...**  
  
👉 instead of using *"the elderly people who aged 75 ..."*, you may use "The 75-and-over age people"  
  
👉 I'm afraid if you begin your 2nd sentence with *"and"*, the examiner will decrease your GRA score. I prefer to link it to the previous sentence as it indicates a relevant sentence.  
  
👉 After you interlink the 2nd and 1st sentence you can delete the phrase *"per 1000-population"* because the merged sentence is completely talking about the same portion.  
  
👉 You may change the word *"and"* in *"age 45 to 64 and age 65 to 74"* with "along with"  
  
👉 to make this paragraph become a graceful essay you probably delete "per 1000" in the last sentence with "in hundreds population"  
  
The 4th paragraph has the same problem about "per-1000 population" matter in your case. You can explore the alternative way in order to attract the reader through your essay.  
  
Secondly, I found that your first sentence in your second paragraph has drawn my intention.  
  
*"It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one visited the most attendances in emergency."*  
  
as I can revise this sentence, it is probably able to be altered into:  
  
*"It is clear that the elderly people and the youngest one stood as the most attendance in emergency."*  
  
Overall, I like the way you present the data and your comparison ability since I need to learn more about it.  
  
Hopefully, you'll kindly visit my Writing Task 2 thread to have your comment and maybe your revise
## the proportion of apartments possessed and hired in two countries

  
  
Shown in the bar chart is the proportion of apartments which are possessed and hired in two countries, namely England and Wales, over a 93-year phase between 1918 and 2011  
  
Overall, there was a rising tendency in the families who purchased house; meanwhile, the figure for the remaining followed an opposite drift over the timescale under the investigation.  
  
It can be seen from the bar graph that regarding owned households, this number increased dramatically by roughly 46 from well over 23 to a peak of approximately 69 from 1918 to 2001 in England and Wales, with the period 2001- 2011 witnessing a decline of around 4 to close to 65 in the single year of 2011.  
  
Moving on to the rented ones , it is obvious that there was an enormous decrease of approaching 45 from 77 to a trough of nearly 32 between 1918 to 2001 before England and Wales experienced a slight recovery of 4 to 37 in 2011.  
  
*
Trong, your essay will fail on GRA and C&C considerations due to your improper formatting. All of your paragraphs are composed of run-on sentences which are separated by commas instead of periods. This creates a confusing sentence presentation that makes it difficult for the reader to follow. The presentation of the information becomes a jumbled mess in this instance, which means your presentation is not well developed. These errors have a direct effect on your GRA and C&C considerations.  
  
Your information presentation in the overview paragraph is incomplete. You missed out on presenting the type of measurement, which is in percentage format. Also, the years are presented "from 1918-2011" not "between". If you say "between" then that means that no measurements were made within a number of periods starting at 1918, which is clearly not the case here.  
  
You need to further improve your analytical skills when reviewing the chart. Practice writing individualized topic sentences as well in order to avoid falling back on run-on sentences that do not help to increase any of your scores.
can you please review my essay??  
  
## governmental authorities dealing with air pollution

  
  
**Some people think that the government should be responsible for solving the increasing pollution problems which result from heavy traffic. To what extent do you agree?**  
  
It is generally thought by many that the government should solely be held accountable for dealing with the rising levels of air pollution and noise pollution due to the high amount of traffic. In my opinion, while I believe that the government has a bigger role to play in alleviating this problem, the joint efforts of the citizens of a country are also required.  
  
To begin with, it is the responsibility of the government to ensure the safety and health of its people. They should implement some stringent rules and regulations such as the green tax on airline companies and other companies which use hazardous pollutants, to reduce the escalating pollution levels. Another typical example of such rule is the use of even and odd numbered vehicles on alternate days in Delhi, the capital city of India. Consequently, these rules can certainly help in the decreasing the pollution.  
  
In addition, the government should invest more on introducing the vehicles which use cleaner fuels such as CNG. Moreover, the state should also organize some campaigns and seminars for raising awareness among the people regarding the environmental deterioration and encourage them to use public transport as well as practice carpooling.  
  
However, these efforts of the government will only be fruitful if the people will act according to the implemented laws. It is an individual's responsibility to take certain measures on a personal level. For instance, a person can shut down his vehicle while waiting at a traffic signal to reduce the gas emission in the air. Therefore, the dwellers also have a vital role in curtailing the air pollution.  
  
In conclusion, though, I believe that the governmental authorities have a higher part in dealing with air pollution, the coalesced efforts of the individuals are also required in the significant reduction of the pollution.