dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Sasariri, it's my pleasure to share regarding your writing.  
  
... Barujari Mount started the eruption on Tuesday afternoon. (Past Tense is not the only one Tense that we can use in this sentence. if there is no specific time or the event still has impact for the future, we can use "Perfect". For example: ... Indonesia, well-known as Barujari Mount has been starting the eruption on Tuesday afternoon. OR .., Indonesia, well-known as Barujari Mount has started the eruption on Tuesday afternoon).  
  
Please pay attention to the flow of your writing and its sense of meaning.  
  
Thank you.
Hello Sasariri I want you obtain some suggestions from me to your essay  
  
here we go  
... started the eruption on T uesday afternoon.  
  
you should not use capital alphabet to write a day's name  
  
It made people who around in that area in panic situations .  
... volunteer to the nearby safe~~ty~~ place. National Park Officials released the numbers of tourist, according to ...  
The ~~erupting Barujari~~Barujari eruption~~Mount~~ did not made a huge impact on daily activities in Lombok, for example to the flight companies .  
  
please use "on" "in" "at" in your essay, these words will help you to more explain.  
you can replace "companies" to "schedules" in my opinion it word more related to your context.  
  
... companies canceled their schedules and the other flight~~s~~ schedules were delay.  
  
note: keep writing and go ahead
Have you ever think about why some people become more successful than others? Let me give an example: Apple come to be more innovative year by year than their competitors, when they are just computer-company which have same access, talent, agency and media. We can also see that Wright brothers who just owned bicycle workshop, invented flight rather than other who had better qualification and appropriate financial resources.  
  
Simon Sinek discover a theory that he called "Golden Circle" after three and half years of discovery. The theory explain that great and inspire leader act, think and communicate the exact same way which different from others. Golden circle consist of three layer of circles. "What" in the outer circle which means what to do, and then "How" in the middle circle which means how someone do something, and after that "Why" is in the center of the circle which means why someone do something which picture their purpose or believe. It can be explained that most people absolutely know what to do but just some people know how to do something and even more just a few people who know why they do something. One interesting point is average people act, think and communicate from outside to inside the circle but Inspire people take opposite.  
  
People do not buy what you do, because there is a million other people who do what you do or even do much better than you. But they rather buy it because why you do it, your purpose or believe. When you have people who believe what you believe, they would do not do something for you but for their-selves. Those who start with "Why" (purpose or believe) have ability to inspire people around them or to find others who inspire them.  
  
-- this is my first attempt, hope someone can help me :)
Hi Debby...it's my pleasure to share regarding your writing. Hopefully the followings will help.  
  
Your writing is pretty good. Only slightly mistakes I found.  
  
Have you ever think about.... (have you ever thought)  
  
Apple (you can provide a fully-developed example, not to mention only a name such as "Apple", you may add further details such as "What","where","when")  
  
come to be more innovative year by year than their competitors, when they are just computer-company which have same access, talent, agency and media. (I don't think "their" and "They" refer to "Apple", since "It" is a name of "a"(one) company)  
  
Please pay attention to the flow of your writing and its sense of meaning.  
  
Thank you. Feel free to visit my Thread, as well.
HI there,  
Your summary is excellent. It has a good flow and understandable. However, thre are only some grammatical issues I've found.  
-Golden circle CONSIST of three layer of circles.(it must be CONSISTS)  
-"What" in the outer circle which means what to do, and then "How" in the middle circle which means how someone do something, and after that "Why" is in the center of the circle which MEANS why someone do something which PICTURE their purpose or believe.(MeanS, so at yhe next verb, it must be PICTURES)  
  
Thanks.
The pie chart illustrates the causes of land degradation in worldwide and the table indicates the differences in causes of land degradation by three regions: North America, Europe, and Oceania which is a large group of island in the South Pacific, including Australia and New Zealand. At first glance, it can be seen that over-grazing is a major cause of land degradation in worldwide and in North America by over-cultivation, in Europe by deforestation, and in Oceania by over-grazing.  
  
The pie chart shows that over-grazing represented 35% of the total causes. Furthermore, land degradation was caused by deforestation amounts 30%, or three-tenths and over-cultivation by 28%. Turning to the table, in North America, only 5% of the land degradation, which over-cultivation accounted for 3.3%. However, land degradation in Europe by 23%, or close to a quarter, where deforestation became a major cause. Oceania had only two causes of land degradation. There were deforestation and over-grazing, which over-grazing had the greatest percentage, more than one-tenth.  
  
*
... the table indicates the differences ~~in~~ causes of land degradation ~~by~~ in three regions: (...) which ~~is~~ are ~~a large~~ group of island in ...  
... degradation in worldwide ~~and~~ . Meanwhile, the causes of land degradation in several regions are in North America by over-cultivation,..  
  
... 35% as the major reason ~~of the total causes~~ .  
... by deforestation amounts ~~30%, or~~ three-tenths and over-cultivation ~~by~~ at 28%.  
  
However, land degradation in Europe at almost ~~by 23%, or close to~~ a quarter, where ...  
... causes of land degradation namely deforestation and over-grazing . ~~There were deforestation and over-grazing, which over-grazing had the greatest percentage, more than one-tenth.~~
Hi, I really liked your essay, but your prescriptions seemed very vague. Exactly how do you propose drawing the line between colorblindness and race-consciousness? For instance, what would a good housing program that could desegregate a school look like? Here are some specific suggestions:  
  
Martin Luther King, Jr.'s (MLK's), {no apostrophe here} declared that he ... their color. [This] might be the most misunderstood...  
  
... words as a cover for rebutting {"to rebut" seems better} Affirmative Action.  
... blacks and other minorities[,] from college admissions (...) in "I Have a Dream" [for] the need to be colorblind. ... judged by the color of their skin[, ]not that the color ...  
  
... absolute colorblindness-both in attitude and in policy- {once again, I would stick to commas, not dashes} has had a dangerously ...  
... colorblind down to the letter, [yet] has put a disproportionate ...  
Being colorblind, {no comma here} creates problems and then ...  
  
... overtly racial in approach or race-conscious {this phrase sounds a bit odd, it is unclear whether the "race-concious" describes "racial" or "programs"} come with a major ...  
  
... problems that they attempt to [redress]. In the past, programs which [encouraged] {I think with "in the past" you have to use past tense} mortgage lending to (...) homebuyers ~~have~~ had the unintended result of ~~leading to~~ rampant predatory lending ...  
  
.., but rather, it is both/and[:] a balanced combination ...  
  
A world where we judge people by the "content of their character" through understanding how their character was ... {this is not a complete sentence, just a noun clause} That is the world to which ...
Topic: **Many countries use fossil fuel such as coal and oil as the main sources of energy. However, in some countries, the use of alternative sources of energy is encouraged.  
  
To what extent is this positive or negative development?**  
  
Sources of energy have been playing a vital role in economic development in industrialized countries. However, in recent years, the world has witnessed a switch in the use of energy sources, particularly from fossil fuel into alternative sources. Given immeasurable benefits of new sources of energy, I strongly believe that this change is an inevitable trend.  
  
One of the greatest advantages is that alternative energy is renewable and sustainable. Conventional sources like coal and oil may take millions of years to be generated from plants and trees buried deeply underground. However, with the overuse at an alarming rate, many countries are running out of fossil energy, leading to global energy crisis. As a result, governments have taken significant actions to develop modern technology in order to exploit alternative sources such as solar power, wind, water, and geothermal power, which are regarded to be endless. For example, making use of the huge source of water coming from mountains, river, and rain, people have built hydroelectric power plants instead of electro-thermal plants consuming an enormous supply of coal.  
  
In addition, taking environmental impacts into consideration, alternative sources are the best option. Severe air pollution is mainly attributed to harmful emissions including carbon dioxide, smoke, and dirt from factories and vehicles using fossil fuel, which causes green effects and poorly affects human health. Consequently, the number of people suffering from respiratory diseases such as lung cancer and asthma is on the increase. On the other hand, renewable energy is considered to be environmentally friendly and generates less pollution. For instance, in some countries, vehicles using bio-fuel are gradually replacing diesel and gas engine as one of the effective ways to keep living environment fresh and clean.  
  
In conclusion, in terms of economic and social benefits, alternative sources outweigh fossil fuel to a large extent. Therefore, exploitation and consumption of renewable energy should be fostered not only to resolve currents energy shortage but also provide a great reserve of power sources to meet ever-increasing demands on energy.
This bar chart elaborates the information of eight popular places for new British couples to spend their honeymoon in 2010. Around 5000 couples participated this survey.  
  
Overall, there were two destinations which were chosen by over half of participants in the survey. While the other half were shared together by the other six places.  
  
First of all, just over one quarter of couples chose to be in Thailand and Bali with 1410 and 1335 respectively. Followed in the third place by Costa Rica with 750 couples, making it slightly more popular than The Maldives with 600 couples. The Greek Island was on the next list which attracted about 432 couples. In the next place, followed by 209 couples who flied to Paris. Finally, Spain and The Lake District were the two less popular destination among all which just considered by 140 couples and 124 couples in turn to be their places for honeymoon.
Hi debby,  
  
This bar chart  
what bar chart? You are suggested to upload picture/diagram/chart for IELTS task 1 practice. Do not make the same mistake for the next one. In addition, I also think that you need to give at least one space for each paragraph so the reader can easily read and check your essay.  
  
However, I would still want to help you by giving some feedback for your essay.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- This bar chart ~~elaborates~~describes/depicts the information ~~of~~about eight popular places for newlyweds British couples to spend ...  
Around 5000 couples had participated in this survey.  
- ... were chosen by over half of the participants in the survey~~. While~~while the other... (While is a connector. You cannot separate it.)  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- ...chose to be in Thailand and Bali with 1410 and 1335 couples respectively.  
- It is followed in the third place by Costa Rica...  
- In the next place, it is followed by 209 couples who flied to Paris. (avoid making fragment (incomplete sentence))  
- ... District were the two less popular destinations among...  
  
Hope this helps :)
The pie chart and table represent information about three vital reasons that caused land degradation in the world and especially in the three regions during 1990s. It is important to notice that over-grazing had the biggest percentage been caused land degradation in the worldwide. While deforestation had been the mayor reason in the three areas between 1990s.  
  
In North America, there are 5% land degradation that caused by deforestation, 0,2%; over-cultivation, 3,3%; and over-grazing, 1,5%. Beside, in Oceania, over-grazing had dominated percentage for the causes of land less-produtive at approximately more than one in twenty. Meanwhile in Europe are place which had the highest percentage at around more than quarter land. Deforestation had been the crucial reason that caused degradation of land over there at around 9,8% between 1990s.  
  
A part of previous comparison, over-grazing had been the vital reason of counter-productive land at around more than a third. Then, deforestation had also been important impulse of land degradation at approximately less than a third. At last, over-cultivation had the least percentage between 2 other reasons that caused ineffectual land in worldwide at around 28% between 1990s.  
  
*
Hello Alamsyah, I want you obtain some suggestion from me  
  
here we go  
  
**~~It is~~**these data are important to notice that over-grazing has had the biggest (...) degradation in ~~the~~ worldwide.  
... three areas between 1990**'** s.  
  
In North America, there ~~are~~is 5% land degradation that ...  
  
**in my opinion you can paraphrase the numbers and per cent you make you essay more formal.**  
  
Beside**~~,~~** in Oceania, over-grazing had ...  
Deforestation had been **[you need verb-ing]** the crucial reason (...) around 9,8% between 1990**'**s.  
  
... over-grazing had been **[you need verb-ing]** the vital reason of ...  
... the least percentage between 2 **[you should paraphrase number in under 2 digits]** other reasons that (...) 28% between 1990**'**s.  
  
note: keep writingand go ahead
Hi Ismail,  
  
Here's my contributions towards your IELTS task 1 essay. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- ... that caused land degradation in the world, ~~and~~ especially in ~~the~~ three different regions during the 1990s.  
- Overall/At first glance,it is important to ~~notice~~note that over-grazing had the biggest percentage ~~been caused~~in causing land degradation ~~in the~~ worldwide.  
  
- ~~While~~Meanwhile, deforestation had ~~been the mayor~~become the major reason in ~~the~~ three areas. ~~between 1990s.~~("while" cannot stand alone. It is a "connector" of two clauses. Also, mentioning "time" would be redundant since you have mentioned it in the first sentence.)  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- In this paragraph, you need to pay more attention on the tense usage. I think that you accidentally used present tense instead of past tense. If you take a closer look on the timeline, it is clear that this essay needs to be written in past form. I also notice some grammatical inaccuracies regarding cohesive device usage and spelling such as "besides" not "beside" and "productive" not "produtive". You need to also see the difference between past and past perfect in the last sentence of this paragraph. I reckon that it is supposed in past form instead of past perfect.  
  
Overall, some grammatical inaccuracies can be reduced by having lots of practices. I believe you can do that. Good luck for the next one mate! :)
**Writing Task 1 : The number men and women attending various evening course in 2009**  
  
The bar chart present the preferred evening course that the different genders were attended most recently while the pie chart compares the percentage of age of these course participants during 2009. At first glance, it is evident from the charts that participants who had age 50 or over attended more than other age range and language program was the most common attendance in one year compared than other course. Most of programs were dominated by women compared than men.  
  
To begin, the proportion of participants age 50 over who had age 50 or over was much greater than the four arrest age group. Most a half, 42% were attended compared to only 5 % for age under 20 who had the lowest proportion attendance. At the second place, age 40-49 had percentages less than one-third while the arrest age group were around 11-16%.  
  
Turning to the kind of course for the most recent participants, there were some clear differences between man and women. Women were as likely to be attended for drama and language evening course than men at 10 and 20 people, 20 and 40 people. The painting class were also slightly higher for women by 5 people. The number of women and men who attended language class had different significant by 20 people. For both of sexes, language program was the highest attendance at 60 people when the painting class was fairly similar at approximately 5 people whereas the sculpture class represented a quarter from language attendance. Interestingly, different with other program, most of people who attended sculpture class were men, while the number of women were a half from women.  
  
*
Hi Sari,  
  
The detailed descriptions below are my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The bar chart ~~present~~presents~~the~~ preferred evening course that ~~the~~~~different~~both males and females~~genders~~have recently~~were~~ attended ~~most recently~~ while the pie (...) of age of these ~~course~~courses participants ~~during~~in 2009.  
  
- ... that participants who ~~had age~~aged 50 or over attended more than ~~other age range~~the other age groups and language program was the program which had the most common (...) compared than the other courses .  
  
- Most ~~of~~ programs were dominated by women ~~compared~~ than men.  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- To begin with , the proportion of participants aged 50 or over ~~who had age 50 or over~~ was much greater than the ~~four arrest~~rest of age groups .  
  
- ~~Most a half, 42%~~Almost half percentage of participants were attended the course compared to only 5% (no need to give space for percentage symbol) for the age under 20 ~~who~~that had the lowest proportion of attendance.  
  
- At the second place, people aged 40-49 had ~~percentages less~~less percentage than one third of the age group while the ~~arrest~~rest age groups were around 11-16%.  
  
Overall, I can see that your writing suffers from grammatical range and accuracy problem. This can be avoided by considering the above-mentioned feedback. Try to be more careful in the next practice. Good luck :)
Conflict and inequality gender are all ears is like some long-life ballads, never have an ending. On the way reducing of conflict without violent, a woman who a filmmaker named Julia Bacha told about how women can wage conflict without violence. Bacha was start filming daily life of Palestine women in Budurs without thought her can campaign non-violence movement. Research by Erica Chenoweth and Maria J. Stephan told non-violence campaign 100 per cent more effective than violence campaign in 323 major political conflict slated from to 1900 to 2006. A concreate of that data was happening in Budrus, a small area in Palestine, in there a great deal of women went to front line of conflict every day and counter back the military invention without violence with their creativity. These women did 10-month unarmed struggle for hold back violence act from Israel. Bacha does not believe women are more peaceful than men yet her believe women have different power to against conflict. That's the reason why Bacha spend array of years to filming this campaign and shared into the today's world eyes.
Hello  
You have a good summary  
I have some corrections  
  
... gender are all ears ~~is~~ like some long-life ballads, **it**never have an ending. ~~On~~ the way reducing of conflict *without*violent, a woman who a (...) women can wage conflict *without* violence. Bacha was start **to**make film~~ing~~**in**daily life of Palestine women in Budurs **that** her can campaign non-violence movement **without thought**.  
  
A concreate of ~~that~~ the data was (...) in Palestine, ~~in there~~ there is a great deal ...  
These women did 10-month ~~unarmed~~**not holding a weapon and**struggle for hold back ...  
Bacha does not believe with women ~~are~~ that more peaceful than ...  
**Finally,**that's the reason why Bacha (...) shared into the today's **w**World eyes.  
  
You can added introduction in first sentence.  
There are repeated words, you can change with similar words.
Hello Alfa7  
I have a twice advice for you  
  
Conflict and inequality gender are all ears ~~is~~ like some long-life ballads, (conj) never have an ending.  
**....you do not need is (verb) into your sentence.  
.... you should write conjuction to combine two sentences**  
  
than violence campaign in 323 major political conflict(s)  
**.... you should write conflicts**
Hi there..  
This is a great summary but you can make it much better with below suggestion :  
  
Conflict and inequality gender are all ears ~~is~~ like some..  
*there should be just one verb (is, are) in a sentence*  
  
Bacha was start filming  
*this is the same problem with previous one, choose one of those two verb.*  
  
a woman who a filmmaker named Julia Bacha  
*You can write " a woman filmmaker" instead*  
  
Thanks
In the last few decades, neuroscientists have made enormous breakthroughs in comprehending how the brain works by observing it in real time situation with appliances such as Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging (FMRI) and Positron Emission Tomography (PET) scanner by involving people who listened to music and played musical instruments as the respondents. When the researchers monitored those who were listening to music, they saw fireworks on multiple areas of their brain related at once to understand the elements such as melody and rhythm and then put them all back together as musical experience. Consequently, listening to music engages the brain into some interesting activities. While in musicians' brain movements, the neuroscientists noticed multiple areas of the brain lighted out simultaneously in processing different information. This equals to a full-body workout as the neuroscientists explain that playing musical instruments will practically engage every area of the brain, especially the visual, motoric and auditory functions. It will also strengthen these brain's functions and enable the musicians to utilize those strengths to various activities.  
  
Therefore, playing musical instruments is able to increase the volume and motions of the brain's corpus callosum, the bridge between the two hemispheres. It also allows musicians to solve problems more effectively and creatively in both academic and social studying. Thus, musicians often have higher level of exact function, a category of interlink tasks including planning, approaching, and attention to detail, which requires simultaneous analysis of both cognitive and emotional aspects.  
  
Source: youtube.com/watch?v=R0JKCYZ8hng