dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Wen wen, your score for this essay cannot be higher than a 4 for number of reasons. First of all, while you did write a little over 150 words, all of your paragraphs are under developed and carry confusing statements that cause the reader to not fully understand what you are trying to say. Second, you do not clearly identify that you are agreeing with this statement to a particular degree as the prompt instructions require. Finally, your discussion, though simple, is not properly developed in terms of sentence structure and development. While you did try to use simple sentences, these came across as difficult to read and almost as if you used a translator to write the essay. In fact, you even used the term "translation" in the essay without making any specific reference or explanation as to why you chose that word. It is because of these reasons that your essay cannot pass the test.
## GDP numbers in comparison on three different platforms

  
  
The provided bar chart compares the average growth in domestic products(GDP) in percentage for three types of platforms: wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers during 40 years from 1960 to 2000. It is clear that the countries adopting globalisation would have GDP growth increased each year whilst there were only declining and unstable trends as to that of the remaining group in almost period.  
  
In the years of 1960s, the highest proportion in GDP was roughly 4.7 % coming from wealthy nations while those figures for globalisers and non-globalisers stood at a low of just over 1 % and 2.4 % respectively.Over the next 3 decades, there was a considerable decrease to 2 % in GDP of the rich national group but there has been a steedy development up to nearly 5 % in the group of global approach nations since the first decade.  
  
Regarding non-globalisers, their GDP figures were observed as such a minimal fluctuation reaching a peak of over 3% in 1970s and falling to a lowest point of under 1 % in 1980s then 10 years later, it slightly continued rising back to about 1.3 %.  
  
*   
*data for this essay*
Hi @Binh Ngo, i will try to give you some suggestions toward your writing. Obviously, you have written a good writing paragraph task one and your grouping figures and idea can be clearly seen compared to the graph. I just wanna suggest that it should be better if every first sentence in each paragraph explains a general idea rather than directly mentions a figure. So that, every first sentence will represent your main idea and grouping paragraph. Thus readers can guess your idea and easily follow it. An error spelling >> **steedy** should be >> **steady**
Tan, you could have done a better job of discussing the figures in the graph you were provided. The three bodies should have reflected the figures in comparison for the globalisers, non-globalisers, and wealthy countries. That is because an effective summary essay details the specific figures as supplied in the illustration. By grouping the discussion into the 3 groups as supplied by the chart, a more comprehensive and detailed analysis of the comparisons could have been delivered on your end. Such an action would have increased your TA and GRA score as well. Due to the improvements that could have been done in your essay, I think that this version cannot score higher than a 4. That is regardless of the impressive paraphrased discussion statement that you made in the first paragraph.
## numbers of cinema tickets purchased and movies displayed

  
  
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001. The line graph indicates the figure of cinema tickets bought in millions between 1980 and 2001. Overall, the most popular form of cinema markets in Britain and Australia was the US films. The number of British audiences choosing to go to the cinema was more than Australian viewers.  
  
In 2001, both Australian and British people preferred watching the US films. In Britain, approximately 78% of the US films screened, compared to about 70% in Australia. While the number for the British films was more popular for British than Australia audiences, at 20% and 7% respectively, the Australian films have most popularity in Australia, at 10%. British people did not watch the Australian films at all. The percentage of the others in Australia stood around at 15%. By contrast, the figure of the others in Britain only reached 1%.  
  
The number of people going to the cinema in Australia and Britain both climbed enormously. In 1980, the amount of people who went to the cinema was at 100 million and 40 million respectively in Australia and Britain. In 1984, the number of cinema tickets bought by Australian and British audiences decreased dramatically, at 60% and 255 respectively. In 2000, the percentage of British viewers went on 160 million, whereas the figure of Australian viewers made up 90 million.
The resolution of the image that you have uploaded in your thread was too small. I can't see and analyze the diagram clearly. Therefore, I do apologize if my feedback below can't be as accurate as you expected. However, in the first paragraph, why don't you combine the first and second sentence instead of making them separated? It might look better because it can be considered as 'variety of complex structures' and it would possibly enhance your 'grammatical range and accuracy' score.  
  
In the second paragraph, I am not quite sure about the 'language of change' that you've used. As far as I know, 'stood at' should be placed in the beginning of the paragraph and it indicates the starting point of a particular variable/data. Yet, you've put 'stood at' at the end of the paragraph in which it was also unclear because I can't see the graph that you've uploaded in this thread in order to check whether you've written the accurate percentage or not.  
  
Overall, despite some words repetitions and some flaws that I have mentioned, I might say that this essay has generally addressed the requirement of the task clearly and it might get an acceptable score.  
  
Hope this helps :)
To, when you upload the image, please make sure that it can be enlarged by the users of the forum. The image you uploaded is useless because it cannot be enlarged so that it can serve as a guide in considering the information that you wrote. Without the image, an accurate analysis of your work cannot be done. I suggest that you upload a usable version of the image in the next thread. This time, check the image after uploading to make sure that we can actually enlarge it for use.  
  
I will not score your work this time due to the problem with the image. However, I like the way that you have started to come across in the essay. You have shown a clear progression of thought and you no longer sound like you are just repeating the information that you found in the illustration. So you earn points for that in my book, but it may not be enough to increase your score overall. It all depends upon what other information I find in the diagram. So please upload it soon for a more thorough analysis of your essay.
To, you have shown marked progress in the way that you approach the development of your information presentation in task 1. the data is accurate and well presented. What is lacking though, is a transition paragraph between the first and second paragraphs which would have prepared the reader and introduced the next topic for presentation in a proper manner. The transition paragraph is necessary in order to show an ability to be able to introduce related topics in a single essay. That is accomplished through the presentation of a transition paragraph. A transition paragraph would also increase your score because you will show a greater skill in the grammar accuracy portion of the test.  
  
Your discussion in paragraph 2 could use some work in terms of presenting related information. That means you have to learn how to group the years presented for discussion, along with their related data. The collective presentation of that information (e.g. figures from 1980 to 1988 indicate a fluctuating trend...) proves a deeper understanding of the information provided which negates the possibility of a mechanical presentation of the data you have been asked to analyze.  
  
Due to the improved work on your part and your ability to better present the information provided, I believe that you can achieve a score of at least 6. This is a far better score than you used to get. So I am sure that this is the start of your improvement in writing these task practice tests. I look forward to reading your next essays.  
  
Please make sure that you always upload the image with the essay and double check that the image can be enlarged so that I can better review your practice test the first time that you upload the essay. Once again, good work. You are getting better at this.
Please ask your tutor to teach you more about developing transition phrases and paragraphs. That is an integral part of writing whether in a creative, academic, or casual setting. A transition sentence is used to connect two ideas together. That is done either with a transition sentence such as "While other people think this is true, there are those who think the opposite." With the discussion of the second idea presented in the next paragraph. The transition sentence will show that the topic of discussion is still related to the original topic and that the information to be presented next will help to improve the overall discussion in the essay. In this instance, you could have used either a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph, or created a transition paragraph for a more extended discussion that could have helped to improve your task accuracy and grammar range score.
dear @Maitouyen282  
  
Overall your essay is good. I am here is on learning process too. And this is a suggestion from me.  
In my humble opinion, you could give variation word to serve the data. For instance, in the last paragraph you could write "in 1984, the number of cinema tickets bought by British decreased *almost doubled* than in first periode. This was also happened to Australian buyer which moved down *by 15 million* people.  
  
Hope this helps :)
**Happiness is considered very important in life. Why is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness?**  
  
One thing that most important in life of people is happiness. Happiness can find everywhere and whenever we are. It depends on people's own. Some people argue that happiness is difficult to define. And I think it is true. Besides, there are some factors which make happiness, because of the level of person's happiness different from each other.  
  
Happiness is difficult to define because of the view every person is different. Every people have had the level of happiness, which important for their life. Happiness brings positive effect for career, environment, or social life of people. Some people say, happiness depends on wealth, property, healthy body, happy family or beautiful face or bodies. In the present, happiness has been synonymous with wealth and perfect body or face shape. For example, People in Korea have had plastic surgery to repair their bodies or make their face more perfect than before. This is a common thing at the moment. Korean's people feel happy if get the ideal bodies shape. On the other hand, people are busy to their job to get much money, because they argue, having much money are important for happiness, but there are another factors aside from wealth.  
  
Factors are important in achieving happiness are family, best friends, good relation in social life, environment and always grateful. People who always grateful with their life will get real happiness and will not compare their life than others. Having happy family and best friends are important because they will help to solve every problem and give suggestion and directly bring happiness for life. However, the important things for happiness in daily activities are social life and environment. Having good relation with neighbor or colleagues make people enjoy and always grateful.  
  
All in all, happiness is thing that difficult to explain because it is depend on view everyone and the level of their happiness. Happiness is not just about property or wealth but depend on how are we grateful with anything that we have.
Reski, this score could get an average score of 5 overall. The score that I assume you could get is based upon the improperly represented paraphrased statement. While the context of your interpretation is sound, you used the word "And" to start a sentence. Since "And" is used as a term to join a group of related words in a sentence, it cannot be used to start a new sentence. The reason behind that is that there are no other words to join at the start of a sentence, therefore the word should not be used in that position in any paragraph. It can only be used in the middle of a sentence. The rest of the essay delivers simple explanations and English sentences that prove your ability to understand and discuss the prompt requirements. However, your grammar accuracy suffered because of the weak sentence development on your part. Hopefully, you will be able to use more proper English grammar and developed sentences to score higher in this aspect with your future essays.
Reski ramadani,  
  
You need to present about happiness from some expert regarding only about your opinion. So, in the conclusion you'll not only serve this  
*All in all, happiness is thing that difficult to explain because it is depend on view everyone and the level of their happiness. Happiness is not just about property or wealth but depend on how are we grateful with anything that we have.*  
  
Because it wasn't good enough for an article.  
  
Thank you
***Hi Reski**, you have needed improvement for your writing. I am gonna offer you a few suggestions.  
Firstly, pay attention to meaning what you write. Ensure that you write is what you mind. For the second sentence in the first paragraph, I think you want to write the passive sentence. Rereading your sentence is wisely a way to make sure your meaning. Following that, your flow in the first paragraph was not enough good. Readers have not found your points logically. Its problem is because you mentioned cause first, but you have not delivered the linking word appropriately so that it seemed messy.  
  
After that, you need to know the difference for usage of "because and because of". If you placed "because of", you only involve a noun. Actually, you have fallen the problem of verb agreement. Honestly, you have answered the prompt well in the body paragraph. This confused the readers about your reason why you said the happiness is difficult to be defined. Severely, in the last two sentences, you reviewed the topic which doesn't relate to the prompt.  
  
Resky, I suggest you conduct a brainstorming before you begin to write the essay so that you can analyze the question. Practice more and more  
  
happy writing*
Please help me to correcting about my answer for scholarship application,  
This one is talking about my current job,  
Thank you  
  
**Briefly describe the work of this (My current job) organisation (max. 250 words)**  
  
## health care services for Ngronggot community

  
  
Pusat Kesehatan Masyarakat Ngronggot (Primary/Community Health Center of Ngronggot subdistrict) called Puskesmas Ngronggot is non profit functional organization below The Ministry of Health that give public health service and primary health care services of with more emphasis in promotive and preventive of health problem to the Ngronggot community to achieve high improve in degree of public health area. The cost for operating this organization is provided by shared of regional government and social security administrator (Health insurance system of Indonesia) called Badan Penyelenggara Jaminan Sosial (BPJS)  
  
Puskesmas Ngronggot, has responsibilites in several area such as conduct planning based on the analysis of public health issues and health care needed by the community, advocating and socializing health policy, communicating, informating, educating, and empowering community in health area, mobilizing the community to identify and resolve health issues at every level of society development in cooperation with other related sectors, monitoring the implementation of health development program, and providing recommendations related to public health issues,including support for early warning systems and responses to disease.  
  
Do my answer good enough? or strong enough to describe my current job organization ?
Hi,  
Take a look at this version and change however you like it;  
  
Pusat Kesehatan (...) is called or is also known as Puskesmas Ngronggot. It is a non-profit functional organization and under the Ministry of Health give public health service and primary health care services with the emphasis more on promoting and preventing of health problem to the Ngronggot community, it aims to achieve high improvement in the public health area. The cost for operating this organization is provided for by two parastatal; regional government and social security administrator (Health insurance system of Indonesia) called Badan Penyelenggara Jaminan Sosial. I don't really understand the line I was highlighted in blue but I am sure you do.  
  
The second paragraph is too long for a sentence or what do you think? You could find where you can put a full stop then continue (for example you could put a full stop after empowering the community in health care.) Then continue with remaining as; It also engages in mobilizing.....  
  
Hope it helps you out  
Best of luck
Diga, if there are English equivalents for the name of your organization, please use them first, with the original name in your native tongue in the parenthesis. That way the reviewer will not get confused immediately upon reading your opening words. I tried to read your essay as it is and I found myself confused because of the non-English description that entered my mind first. it stopped me from reading the rest of your essay. I strongly suggest that you change the wording of the statement to cover the English versions first and foremost. That will also make it easier to describe your work. The reviewer can pretty much imagine what you are trying to say in English but will be at a total loss if you keep referring to the native version of the terms first. The description is fine. We just have to deal with the confusion that the non-English terminology brings in order to make the statement more understandable to the reviewer.
**Some people think that teenage years are the happiest times of most people lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of responsibilities.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion ?**  
  
## the adulthood ceases to amaze me

  
  
That question whether youth or adulthood is more joyous, unforgettable remains an unsolvable, tricky and controversial one. Opinions toward this questions are different, some people claim that youngster enjoy their life to the maximum while others assure that being an adult gives you so much more happiness. This essay is going to discuss both point of views and present my own perspective.  
  
There is belief that youth is the time at which you are a blooming flower. People usually hit their beauty peak at the age of 20s, at this moment, they are full of energy, enthusiasm, potential and will to do anything.To begin with, teenagers don't have to be under the pressure of financial problem. Since teenagers aren't allowed to labour officially, they are still given money to fulfill their personal interest or demand by the government as well as their family. Otherwise, teenagers are also supported emotionally, led to do legal things, taught to be a better person, some even got help to do build up their future plans by the experienced generation. As a result, adolescents are able to participate in variety of social activities passionately, carefreely. Moreover, the scents of first love, first heartbreak, first rebellious behaviour, such first impression could only be tasted at a very innocent age.  
  
On the other hand, adults have to face many kinds of responbility, struggle in all kinds of bills every months, figure out how to make the best decision to their personal issue without affecting others. These hardship comes along with the maturity. However, they are still manage to find cherish in things that other ages lack of, independence. They are permitted to earn their own money and spend it as they wish to do, to do as their heart lead them, not to listen to others' guidance since they are old enough to take the consequences for their choices. The freedom of a citizen, of a fully-educated, the weath of an experienced man is a prize for any grown-up. Relationships to adults are long-term, trustworthy and tested one. Their partner at this time wouldn't be the person who betrayed them as they were younger, totally clueless in life, at this point, they have all set up strong friendships, they have the abilities pick up who to get close to among their acquaitances so that their life can be less dramatic, insecurity.  
  
Admittedly, though both times can bring you joyeux, adulthood cease to amaze me by its promising benefits, the chance to be more confident with sharpen experiences.
Pham, you indicated in the outline that you were going to discuss both points of view and also offer your personal opinion related to the discussion. I see two points of view being discussed in the essay but no personal point of view coming from you. I think you forgot about that. The lack of a personal opinion on your part is what severely lowered the score for this essay. The most common misconception with this type of essay is that your personal opinion should cover points A and B in the discussion. That is never the case.  
  
The format for this essay is always as follows:  
  
Par. 1: Paraphrased statement plus outline of discussion (includes a reference to your opinion)  
Par. 2: Point A discussion  
Par. 3: Point B discussion  
Par. 4: Personal opinion discussion  
Par. 5: Concluding statement.  
  
The essay prompt itself already clues you in on the chronological order of the discussion and expected discussion points. Always take your format outline from there in order to present an effective essay. For now, the score of your essay would be a 4. This is based on the wrong discussion format and lack of personal opinion. The task accuracy score lost major points due to that error.
*Hi **Pham**, I have read your essay. Let me give you a few suggestion for finalizing this.  
Firstly, there were many minor errors in grammar. Please, when you wanna merge two sentences, do not forget to a conjunction. Besides that, you do not use a contraction in the formal writing. Avoid doing it again.*  
  
don't have  
aren't allowed  
*After that, I only remind you that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. I really you will construct the paragraph meeting the requirement.  
Turning to the body paragraph, you fail to tackle the prompts given. They have asked to explore about those two different views. However, in the second paragraph, you tended to explain bad conditions in the adult life although you are supposed to review what people's reasons state that the adult life is the happiest period. I have not found there. Following that, you did not stand out your view about that matter. Readers should find your position clearly so that you will not miss the other prompt.  
  
I recommend you to read examples of writing task 2, especially the conclude paragraph. As we know, the conclusion is created from paraphrasing the thesis statement in the introductory paragraph. In addition, you avoid using this word  
  
Admittedly  
to represent that that is your conclusion. It is better you harness the words (In conclusion, to conclude, To sum up).  
Hopefully, those can help you to get a little improvement.  
GOOD LUCK*