dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi Lupin, I am more than happy to help you review your essay response. You did a good job in explaining the essay topic. The fact that you knew to include the other choices in the discussion of the paraphrased statement shows a clear understanding of the given discussion. Opting to present your choice upfront also helped to prepare the reader for the upcoming discussion. However, the essay asked you to pick only one option to justify in the discussion you will be providing. The mention of the other 2 choices as part of the discussion became irrelevant and changed the prompt instruction from a single discussion to a multiple discussion. The essay asked you for an opinion regarding "Which one of the following do you think is the most important for the nation's government to take to protect the environment?". This indicates that the essay is meant to only present one choice with supporting data following in the remaining 3 body paragraphs. You were not being asked to compare and contrast the 3 choices. Like I said, the previous choices are irrelevant in the mode of discussion described for this essay. You need to be careful when you read the discussion instructions. Make sure that you understand what you are being required to do and present in the essay. Don't just write the essay if you are not sure of how to approach the discussion. Since this is a practice essay, you have the opportunity to ask questions in order to make sure that you will respond to the prompt properly. Take advantage of that opportunity because you need to be familiar with all the essay discussion types before you take the test. You are not sure which one you will be asked to do on the actual test day.
**The graphs below show the types of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.**  
  
*--> What would be the best way to split data? I did it this way:  
body paragraph 1: gender comparisons  
body paragraph 2: age comparisons  
  
Here is my answer:*  
  
## statistics for music sale in britain

  
  
The given bar charts provide data regarding the proportion of British music album buyers across gender and age. In general, while the patterns of Pop and Rock music bore a striking resemblance to each other, that of Classical genre was reversed.  
  
As illustrated, a sales record of around 28% revealed that Pop and Rock music were mostly purchased by men. This number was smaller for women(18%). However, in reference to Classical music, both sexes appeared to be far less interested, with a share of just below 10% for males and approximately 3% less for women.  
  
When breaking down the data further, it was clear that the statistic for Pop and Rock music, in terms of age, was also on par. Specifically, adults between 16 and 34 represented the great majority of Pop and Rock albums purchasers in Britain, with the 25-34 age group slightly ahead. Overall the contributed more than two-thirds of recorded sales. This was followed by those aged 35 and above. In contrast, at the other end of the age spectrum, British over 45 years old were the heaviest buyers of Classical music, occupying 20%, compared to merely around 8% of the other two genres. Purchasers in the 35-44 age bracket accounted for a minor proportion of 3%, yet still doubled that of those between 16-34 which was classified as the least significant buyers of Classic music.  
  
*
Giang, there is no right or wrong way of splitting the data. You are not being judged on presentation of information. You are judged on analysis and relevance of shared information. If you feel that the method you used was the best way for you to represent all of the information, then that is your prerogative. This is a report, so all of the data required for presentation in a report must be present.  
  
In your essay, the missing element is the measurement type and the criteria by which the measurements were done. These would be indicative of the age and gender survey information that was collated for the graph. In your opening statement, the last sentence should have revealed the type of discussion format that the instructions provided because you are writing your summary overview. Therefore, the outline of the discussion, including the discussion type must have been presented in the report. Otherwise, the thesis statement for your report becomes incomplete.  
  
You did a pretty good job on this report as far as I can tell. It is impressive and informative to a large extent. The parts that I mentioned as missing from your report were negligible and should have resulted in a lower than expected score, but not in a way that would affect the decision as to whether you would pass or fail this test.
**In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?**  
  
## How to change our unhealthy lifestyle?

  
  
Currently, obesity is the most challenging problem among authorities and obese people. In some area, the rate of overweight is increasing while the health rate is decreasing. I firmly believe that obesity is a problem with a lot of solution frankly and these people could be cured without anxiety. In this essay, some other possible solution will be elaborated.  
  
Knowing about the mainspring of creating the problem, is the first step to solve. Immobility is the main reason that is known. In some megacities, for example, in New York, because of competition, people should work a lot and most of these people have sitting work; so computer life and stress make people tired when they return home they do not have enough energy and time to exercise instinctively. So the more time pass, they become fatter and fatter. Moreover living in these cities has impacted on the eating diet; as far as, time limitation has forced the city dwellers to eat fast food which has dire consequences on their health. This sedentary lifestyle is another cause of obesity. In some families, children are getting involved with this lifestyle then become fat and unhealthy because their parents may not spend enough time for cooking healthy food; so inevitably, eating junk food has influenced children's life. Eventually, these reasons make people unhealthy and overweight.  
  
There is a panacea for this issue; doing exercise which is the most effective solution. In some crowded city which people for longer hours, they have no time in doing exercise. Hence, there are some inventions solve their problem; like the bicycle desks which can be rolled beneath the workstation. So it helps workers doing works, losing weight and improving their health, and above all extending lifespan. Moreover, improving the eating habit has profoundly impacted on people life. Eating less full calories food, doing more physical exercise, and above all seize all opportunities to preserve the healthy by myriad and individual ways, are other more common and safe solutions to control obesity in adults and children.  
  
In conclusion, today's lifestyle in big cities with stress have been harmed people, but doing exercise can solve the problem subsequently and relatively.
@smvicp  
You should condense your essay and write in a clear, straightforward way.  
Some expressions are very confusing, thus making it difficult to see your points.  
It somehow appears that you used google translate, or some other translation tools to finish this essay.  
But the idea of the "the bicycle desks" really grabbed my attention, I did expect you to expand it in a more detailed way rather than saying that it helps "losing weight and improving their health".  
  
Regards.
Sarah, in order to avoid possibly insulting anybody when you share information in your essay, do not mention any specific locations. Keep your information based on popular information so that the essay can be read in terms of general applicability. When you mention a specific city, for instance, you limit the scope of the essay and the mind of the reader to just that city. The reader will not see a wider application for your reasons which will result in a less effective line of reasoning on your part. In your second paragraph, your first sentence has a distorted meaning. I am not sure what it is you are trying to say. Rather than saying "... is the first step to solve, you should have instead said "is the first step to solving the health problem." Since you are discussing obesity here, you must refer to that term a few more times in the essay in order to remind the reader that you are discussing obesity in particular because most the opinions and advice that you give could actually apply to any illness. Being specific is the key to keeping the reader on track with what they are reading. Try to expand your concluding statement to 3 sentences. That is the expected summary format for an IELTS Task 2 essay.  
  
Your paragraphs go beyond the maximum 3 sentence requirement and often creates run on sentences. Try to keep your line of reasoning short by simply choosing to discuss one topic per paragraph. That is the expected discussion format and should be followed at all times. It creates a better sense of cohesiveness and coherence in the essay. Avoid run-on sentences or using semi colons and commas in order to extend a single sentence. When you do that, you create an unnecessarily long and usually boring sentence that does not become helpful in your information presentation.
IELTS - BUSINESSES ALSO HAVE SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITIES. DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE  
  
## the existence of businesses in a society

  
  
The purpose of business is making a profit, but it becomes increasingly when more people mention the business obligations that companies have. I extremely agree with the perspective that businesses need to do their social responsibilities.  
  
It comes as no surprise when it comes to company's profit that most entrepreneurs devote their concentration on enhancing their profit in the competitive market now and that the reason why companies ignore the social responsibility whiles citizens are their huge and potential customers supporting and contributing on expanding their budget. Some companies cause even pollution by waste the amount of emission and wastewater without doing treatment process. Take Fosama company for an example. They peruse to get higher profit by not doing wastewater treatment process and cause a large-scale fish death in the central region in my country.  
  
Due to the disadvantages which emerge from bottomless cupidity, both government in general and inhabitants in particular need to pass some policies and run campaigns in public to force entrepreneurs on doing their social obligation which can be listed: protecting the environment from pollution, organizing some charity organization. There is no shadow of a doubt that the businesses play a vital role in doing volunteer as their longevity depends on the development of a country as well as the living standard. In a competitive world, if the meet changing needs of customers, they will accomplish both the sole aim of maximizing profit and social duty. It is probably said that the companies which in good financial health tend to spend time taking care of communities instead of placing all mental power and pouring money to invest a new field or develop their own business.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that entrepreneurs should place as much importance on their community responsibility as they do on their financial objectives.
@chuhaiyen  
- ''It comes as...budget" This sentence is too long and complicated . You should instead split it into different sentences.  
- Please dont take " Fosama company" as an example. There's a slim chance that the IELTS examiner will understand. If you still want to, then be more specific (a Vietnamese company....)  
  
- Some frequent wrong uses of words do occur.  
- Your essay includes a variety of great vocabularies but fails to make the most of them.
@chuhaiyen I believe that you did not upload the complete and proper prompt instructions for this essay. It is either you did not supply me with the correct instructions or, you have written an essay that lacks focus, contains numerous long sentences that eventually stop making sense, and shows a lack of English grammar ability on a scale that will assure you of a failing instead of passing score.  
  
Your second paragraph is quite confusing to read. I cannot make heads or tails of what you are trying to explain in that paragraph because your sentences lack topic sentences and the whole paragraph has no degree of coherence within it. It provides the reader with undue stress as it is impossible to understand what you are trying to say.  
  
The overall essay does not respond adequately to the prompt as you provided it. That is why I am wondering if you took shortcuts with your posting and did not post the complete prompt in an effort to not create an original title for your essay. If that is what you did, let me tell you now, you wasted an opportunity to gain a proper assessment of your essay. It cannot be properly reviewed due to the lack of original instructions. Do not post the complete prompt anymore. As a contributor, I can only advise you once. Just make sure to post the complete prompt, along with the discussion instructions with your next essay.
## physical activity in australia

  
  
The chart shows the percentage of Australian doing regular exercise in different ages.  
  
Through the chart, we can clearly see that women have higher percentage after the age of 24, and men have the highest percentage in 15 to 24. The curves formed by the different age groups in both genders are completely different, which means that change of the percentage is converse.  
  
Looking in to details, women's percentage of regular exercise increases from 47.7% to 53.3% at the age group of 45 to 54, and the figure declines sharply after the age group of 55 to 64. On the other hand, the drastic drop of men's regular exercise percentage starts from 15 to 24 years old, and it climbs up after the age of 35 to 44. Also, the gap between the percentage of both men and women reaches the maximum of 13% at the group of 35 to 44, and the two numbers become almost the same at the group of 65 and older.  
  
*
Kevin, since this is your first attempt at writing a Task 1 essay, I will give you some leeway and, instead of telling you the score that you will get, I will instead, offer you advice regarding how to better develop your essay writing skills for this task. For starters, you need to better develop your summary statement. While the summary can be located either at the beginning or the end of the essay, I find that it has more of a purpose when it is placed at the beginning of the essay. That way, you get to fully utilize the potential of the summary statement. The summary statement can help you outline your essay discussion when it is placed at the beginning because it can show the following information for the reader's reference:  
  
1. The type of graph presented;  
2. The topic sentence;  
3. The type of survey or measurement taken;  
4. The pertinent information in relation to the measurements;  
5. The trend as seen in the graph.  
  
Once you present a strong overview / summary statement, you will be able to manage a higher TA score. In this instance, your essay lacks a proper identification of the aforementioned information. An examiner will take a look at your opening statement and decide that you did not take the time to properly analyze the provided information. He could decide to give you a failing score right there and then.  
  
You should also aim to present at least 3 full paragraphs for this essay. You currently only have one complete paragraph, which means you will not be able to meet the C&C paragraph requirements. Basically, this is a good attempt at writing your first essay. It is not, however, a very well developed / presented essay. Please look at the other essays at this forum related to Task 1 in order to get a better idea as to how you can improve your writing and presentation skills.
Here is the topic  
  
**People have different job expectations for jobs. Some people prefer to do the same job for same company, while others prefer to change jobs frequently. Discuss both these view and give your own opinion.**  
  
Here is my answer:  
  
## reasons for changing work places

  
  
Many workers change jobs frequently in these days and they think that changing jobs leads to more opportunities. Meanwhile, the other people believe that staying in the same jobs is a better choice.  
  
One of the benefits of staying in one job increases the job security because changing jobs always means losing the stable income or moving house. To stay in one job is also means that you can avoid these problems. Another benefit to not changing job is that you can gain more experience and also increase your salary. The company may increase the salary as a reward or even give the promotion. On the other hand, those people who often change jobs may do not have enough experience to get the same salary compared to the people who stay in the same job for a long time.  
  
However, there are also have some benefit of changing jobs. One of the benefits is that worker can learn more skill because working in the different company also means that learning more different kind of skills. Meanwhile, to change jobs can also bring some new challenge compared to not change the job, because new things can always enhance the people's motivation and keep the job flash. The last advantage is these kinds of people are seems as more confident and well-rounded because of facing the new things or learning the new skill.  
  
In my opinion, to change jobs once in a while it means more benefit and is also a way to keep the life flash, and it is also another opportunities to challenge myself and learn more skill through the job.
One of the benefits of staying ... -- One of the benefits of staying in the same job is peopel can gain more job security from it than chaning their jobs frequently because .....  
  
changing jobs always means losing ...  -- job hopping partially(not "always" right?) means unstable income and no fixed abode, which can be avoided if chose to pursue long-term development in the same job.  
  
Another benefit to not changing job is ... (How can you be sure that staying in a job is equal to "more salary" ? Well, sometimes they do not) -- Despite job security, professional experience, connections and horizen that acquire by staying stable in a job allow more oppoutunities of promotion and salary raise. On the flip side, those are harder to be guranteed without adequte time to prove your capability as well as job loyalty.  
  
However, there are also [...] motivation and keep the job flash.-- For one thing, job hoppers probably can point to experience in a number of different companies, and exposure to a variety of challenges. In today's workforce, someone who has a diverse background is often more attractive to a potential employer because he can bring new ideas and ways of handling things.  
  
The last advantage is these kinds of people ... (I think this is the result of your first advantage, not a different one, in that case I suggest you come up with another advantage of changing job)  
  
In my opinion, to change jobs once in a while ... -- In my own perspective, drawbacks to job hopping exist, however, the pros should outweigh the cons if employees do benefit from it and maintain healthy relationships with past employers, not to mention the more diverse skills and opportinities they are able to harbour.
Chou, your presentation runs in the exact opposite of what the prompt is asking you to do. Your method of paraphrasing is incomplete and has resulted in incomplete information sharing with the reader. Here is the correct paraphrasing for this essay prompt for your reference:  
  
*There are two types of employees that exist these days. The first kind, is the one that would rather just stay at one company. The other kind, is the person who is isn't afraid to try new jobs every so often. In this essay, I will discuss both these points of view with regards to job preferences along with my personal opinion regarding the topic.*  
  
Remember, the purpose of the opening statement is to prove that you understand what the topic and instructions for discussion are. When you provide an incomplete paragraph, you do not allow the examiner to properly assess your English comprehension skills. The format above is pretty much standard for all of the essay topics in this task, with minor variations. So you can consider the above example a template for most of the essays you will be working on.  
  
You also need to focus your paragraphs on specific reasons for discussion. You only presented partially applicable reasons for each point of view. There was a lack of proper discussion development because you decided to just mention reasons instead of further highlighting your English composition skills by offering expanded discussions for each reason.  
  
Finally, a concluding statement cannot represent your personal opinion. The requirement for the personal opinion is that it be presented in a full paragraph prior to the concluding statement. This is an error that exists in a glaring manner in your essay. Overall, your attempt is acceptable but has tremendous room for improvement. Try to remember the tips I gave you here and apply then to your next practice test.
This is a practice of TOEFL integrated essay. Thanks to whomever will fix this article for me, (Note: next time a useless title = suspension)  
  
## the article about controlling precipitation

  
  
The listening context totally refutes the reading passage about the concept of "cloud seeding." Cloud seeding is a way to reduce damage from hail, which fall from the sky and destroy crops in the field.  
  
To begin with, the article uses laboratory experiments to prove cloud seeding can reduce the hail from forming. Though the speaker admits it might be useful in the laboratory, she also points out this experiment cannot apply in real life. She indicates that cloud seeding may result in lack of water since it stops the forming of cloud or snow.  
  
Secondly, the author illustrates a successful case in Asia by controlling precipitation in urban areas. On the contrary, the speaker argues the experience of Asia cannot be reprouduced in the U.S. since it only works in urban area. She also holds that pollution air from cars in the city could build a favorable environment for cloud seeding, which is not suitable for unpolluted region in the agricultural field in the U.S..  
  
Thirdly, the author states that comparing to previous years, the area used cloud seeding has less damages. Nevertheless, the speaker opposes this by arguing in the neighboring eastsouth area also has the same condition. She thinks this is a natural variation, and has nothing to do with the cloud seeding.