dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please help me to correct this essay. Thank you.  
  
***Topic: IELTS Writing Task 2: Even though globalization affects the world's economies in a very positive way, its negative side should not be forgotten.***  
## What is your view? + Discuss.

  
*Answers:*  
Globalization plays a central role in this era, while it creates a range of opportunities for leveraging the economy of countries around the world. However, there also exist drawbacks about this phenomenon. From my perspective, I believe that its advantages are more significant compared to the disadvantages.  
  
On the one hand, it can be argued that globalization would help to solve job problems in developing countries. While many foreign enterprises and brands enter the market, new jobs are required to adapt to those companies' demands. This would lead to a rise in living standards. Consequently, children can get access to school and enhance their skills, which benefits the countries' economies. Finally, it will also stabilize the world's security, which means that any country with an army intention must consider its financial benefits.  
  
On the other hand, disadvantages can not be overseen. Some people argue that with numerous outside brands entering the domestic market, the local companies cannot compete with them. In other words, customers are favor of foreign products and neglect the local one. The last issue worth mentioning is that job insecurity in developed countries. Because of high-skilled and cheap labor generated from the developing countries, laborers in developed countries would consequently lose their work or get a sharp decrease in wages. This will affect those people's lives in which the daily expenses in those nations are incredibly high. Another drawback is that the social crime rate will be undoubtedly increased.  
  
In conclusion, while globalization has a variety of limits that need to be improved, it seems to me that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Your first sentence in the prompt paraphrase is a hanging sentence. It does not have any sense. What happens because of the range of opportunities? What is the result of globalization in your point of view? After indicating that there are drawbacks, you should have indicated the 2 topics for discussion in the reasoning paragraphs to prove that you have a clear point of view regarding the discussion. These should help to strengthen your belief in the final statement.  
  
You do not use an apostrophe after the s in companies. Companies is the plural form of company. There is no apostrophe involved in that presentation. That is incorrect punctuation usage, falling under a GRA deduction. The same goes for countries. It is the plural form of country. It does not need an apostrophe after it. You should review your punctuation marks lessons and learn more about when to appropriately use the apostrophe in a presentation. By the way, "because" is a connecting word. It cannot be used at the start of a sentence. It seems your biggest problem in the presentation will be in the GRA section. You really need to brush up on your sentence structure skills.  
  
The conclusion is always at least 3 sentences long. A single sentence presentation does not properly summarize the previous discussion. It is not useful as a reverse paraphrase.  
  
While your discussion is acceptable, It lacks a clear discussion presentation that would tie the reasons together.
Dear Holt,  
Thank you for your review. I find many points I have to improve in my writing.  
However, I don't understand about the use of apostrophe after the "s" in companies and countries. I have already checked in some websites. I see that they use the apostrophe normally. Do I misunderstand any points ? Can you clarify more for me.  
  
Thank you Holt. Wish you a good day.
## people choices in their leisure time today

  
  
There is a growing concern revolving around the dramatic development of technology in today life. The advances in technology have aroused people interest in spending more free time on those with multiple purposes. From my point of view, the drawbacks brought from this tendency could be eclipsed by its significant benefits.  
  
According to using modern gadgets, people have a range of choices to relax in their leisure time. In comparison with those in the past, internet access is available anywhere all around the world as humankind has see rapid process in wireless network. Therefore, not only can people stay in touch with their families, relatives and friends by social media whenever they want, they also enjoy online shopping instead of going to brick and mortar shops. People can buy goods and services from comfort of their home by a click of button. In addition, they can immerse themselves in global social networking sites for example Facebook or Youtube in order to stay up-to-date with latest information. It turns out that new technologies like phone, television and social network are of paramount importance nowadays.  
  
On the one hand, there are two serious unflavorable impacts when spending much time on modern electronic devices. Firstly, It will discourage real interaction between people. Despite the easier way to keep in touch, people tend to keep their eyes glued to the screen in free time and ignore the surroundings. The second one is that the threat to health. As following the sedentary lifestyle, youngsters may suffer obesity, and symtomps of poor vision.  
  
In conclusion, It is obvious that the beneficial effects of new technologies on mankind could offset those negative aspects. I am firmly of the opinion that cutting-edge technology have improved our social and will continue developing in the foreseeable future.
This is my feedback for your presentation  
1.Some mistakes  
-Today's life  
-People'sinterest  
-Has seen  
-Don't use "for example" in the middle of sentence, use some words like 'such as', 'include' ... to make example.  
-Serious unfavorable  
-Symptoms  
-Don't use the word 'mankind', use 'humanity' or 'humankind'  
-I am firmof  
-The cutting-edge technology has  
-Our society  
2.You need improve your vocabulary more to make the sentence shorter but enough to illustrate your meaning and more formal  
-All around the world => worldwide  
-Point of view => perspective  
3.When you use the word "on the one hand", it should go with "on the other hand". Besides, you should switch the first to the second paragraph because your structure will more clear that the drawback is eclipsed by its benefit.
There is a lack of clarity in the overall presentation. The prompt paraphrase isn't really reflective of the original discussion. I believe that is because you do not really have a good grasp of the English language at the moment. It is more like you are still trying to learn how to create proper English simple sentences at this point. For examples, you cannot say "According to using modern gadgets..." Gadgets do not have an opinion as these are inanimate objects used by people. Only people can have an opinion to present in any discussion format. Your discussion points are not related to one another. These create an incoherent paragraph presentation. It is neither cohesive nor coherent. You will score very poorly in that section. The overall essay is really weak in terms of GRA presentation. The reader will have some stressful moment while reading your work. It is not easily understood due to the improper sentence presentations.
## Writing task 2 - Job satisfaction vs Job security

  
  
**Some people argue that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while others believe that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, and a permanent job is more important. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.**  
  
It is argued that job satisfaction plays an essential role when compare with job security, while another significant proportion of the population is believed in the importance of permanent job more than job satisfaction. From my perspective, while job permanent could bring several merits, I suppose that satisfactory working is a crucial element impact on our career in the long-term.  
  
On the one hand, it cannot be denied that a permanent job provides a stable for our life. Employers who work for the firm guaranteed job security would have a stable income in tandem with the risk ratio to be dismissed low.  
  
On the other hand, satisfaction job generates golden opportunities and confidence to promote themselves in the long run. By satisfying a career, people could boost their productivity in tandem with the ultimate passion for performance, while job security lacks those features. As a result, employments who immerse in fully satisfied will quickly achieve goals and get lucrative salaries and promote to higher position more than people who work in job permanent. For example, two students fond of code on the computer, but when a graduate one becomes a coder, they choose to work for a technology firm with a low income and high risk. In contrast, others prefer the job permanent in a marketing firm with a higher salary, low replace ratio. After five years of working hard, the coder becomes the executive of that technology firm while the marketer only earns more a little bit because he has no passion for this job.  
  
In conclusion, job security only helps people in the short-term while job satisfaction will make their careers outstanding and significant. In my opinion, flowing the passion and achieve satisfactorily is the optimal way for every successor.  
  
P/s: any one could recommend me some source useful for writing? Thank a lot!
## teaching life skills need to be considered at schools

  
  
Whether students should be taught academic subjects so that they can pass exams, and life skills such as cooking or dressing should not be taught poses a matter of controversy. In my opinion, I party agree with the statement for following the reasons:  
  
Firstly, Study academic knowledge at school can help students develop their potential, social knowledge as well as their behavior. For example, of some subject like Math, History, Civic Education which there is no better place can help them than school.  
  
Secondly, Pass the exams with excellent score is also advantage for their future to choose a career or have a chance to study abroad or even get a scholarship. For example, as many Vietnamese students get fully government scholarship from others country. Or nowadays most of big companies offer jobs with high benefits for excellent students working in their company.  
  
However, studying life skills is also not less important such as: cooking or dressing. Gaining these necessary skills helps them more independent and confident at anyplace they stay. For example, when they go to study abroad or travel alone without parents help, they need to make their own decision, know how make a healthy meal, or how to impress others by dressing. So, Open life skill classes is encouraged at school. It's also help students reduce their stress after study academic subjects time.  
  
In the end, Academic knowledge should be taught but life skills also need to be considered at school for student comprehensive development.
A partial agreement should indicate the extent of your agreement or disagreement just the same. That should be indicated as a discussion response topic in the outline. You cannot say that you "partially" whatever with the given discussion. You need to measure or give an end to your dis/agreement. That means, the response should be framed as:  
  
I agree with the statement only up to the following 2 points.  
  
Then indicate what those points are as a part of the discussion outline. A strength response would also be better such as : I strongly agree with the statement up to..., I partially agree with the statement due to the following considerations..., and other similar topics of focus. You cannot, under any circumstance, use a comparative discussion as you did in this essay because the whole point of the extent essay is to show how well and how strongly you can defend your single opinion using 2 discussion reasons. There is no room for comparisons in the discussion since it is not indicated in the original prompt statement. Do not discuss in a manner that does not reflect the original prompt requirements. That could result in the failure of your essay. Unless asked to discuss both opinions, all Task 2 essays are singular response essays.
## "University Success Skills"

  
  
When I started university, I joined the course, the name of the course I heard very strange was "University Success Skills". In this course, I learned about skills that will help me get the most out of college. It was the most interesting course I ever took. We focus on heated discussions and debates on the issues raised throughout the course. We are also excited to participate in drawing colorful posters for our final essay. Course scores depend on 40% of midterms and 60% of presentation scores, so we all actively participate in making our group presentation best. I will never forget about this inspirational course. It not only equipped me with study skills in the university environment but also improved my soft skills in leadership skills, teamwork skills, critical thinking skills and presentation skills.
The review of the course should include a reference to whether this was a pre-requisite, requisite, or minor course for the college degree you were studying. That identification is important because it will explain the reason why you took the course, the importance of the course requirements, and why you, along with your classmates, would work so hard to get a high score in the class activities. Why would you call the course inspirational? How did it inspire you to become a better person? How did it improve your soft skills? Unless this is an extremely short statement, you should really expand on the content of the response. It is not really very informative on the part of the reader. it does not inform very well.
## Financial support for older people

  
  
There is a growing concern revolving around money funding for people when they become older. Whereas some might assume that the government is responsible for the elderly in the society, those who oppose to the abovementioned opinion also have their own respective idea that residents should save more money for their future. Personally, I firmly believe that both authorities and aged people are involved in this duty.  
  
On the one hand, there is no doubt that the elderly dwellers still make up a great number of proportion in the society, if the government prioritizes expenditure on them, It will come out with high quality living criteria for all the community. To be precise, not only do they invest to look after the older, they also persuade residents to work more productively and bring more profits for countries without worrying about their lives in the future. For example, in Japan, people do neither have to get married in the early age nor give birth as they will receive the state's support policy when getting old such as retirement salary, nursing house,... The Japanese government decision-making has a great influence on the development of national economy because the workforce contribute all their capacity to work in order to guarantee a sucessful career.  
  
On the other hand, there will be also an undeniable benefit if they care about their living standards in advanced. Firstly, local authorites provide the elderly with finite funds, thus they will have difficulty in meeting all their demands. There are lots of needs for the elderly, health insurance, transportation fee, medical systems for example. It would mean that people can live more independently by accumulating fund for a long-lasting time. In addtion, old people perhaps need the enthusiastic caring from their children before receiving an assistance from the government.  
  
In conclusion, I am of the opinion that both authorities and seniors persons ought to join hand to notice the old people's living.
In my opinion, I can say that if this is an opinion-discussion essay, you should pick a side in stead of support both of them. Maybe you can say that "although there are some benefits of ..., they are overwhelmed by the disadvantages". You can write that in a third body paragraph.  
  
In addition, I don't really get this sentence:"people do neither have to get married in the early age nor give birth as they will receive the state's support policy". Do you mean: People who neither get married at their early age nor give birth will receive the state's support policy?  
  
the sentence:"There are lots of needs for the elderly, health insurance, transportation fee, medical systems for example" doesn't feel right to me. You should use either "such as" , "for example" or "for instance" after "elderly" in stead of putting "for example" at the end of the sentence.  
  
Finally, i think your conclusion should briefly mention the opinions from above then state your point of view
Dear @Ngocnguyen777,  
You may check some part below to see if my correction is precise or not  
  
"the **society, if** the government ..." -> should separate into 2 sentences ".....in society. Therefore, if ..."  
  
"To be precise, **not only** do they invest to look after the older**, they** also persuade " -> not only go with but also ",but they also"  
  
..., there will also be  
  
in advance~~d~~  
  
local authorities  
  
In addition  
  
before receiving ~~an~~  assistance" -> (uncountable)  
  
"join hands
As you did not provide the original discussion prompt, I cannot really advise you regarding the relevance of your writing. You seem to have taken a middle position which, as far as I know, you cannot take in a Task 2 discussion essay. These essays are always opinion based within an agree or disagree scenario or, a comparative discussion presentation. None of which allow you to agree with both sides of the issue.  
  
Taking both sides in an issue presented means you do nto have a clear opinion regarding the topic. The examiner is actually scoring you on the clarity of your opinion, which means you need to pick one side alone to defend within any given presentation, unless you are asked to compare both sides then offer a personal opinion. So, I do not believe that you took the proper approach to this essay. It doesn't follow the expected discussion format for the perceived topic.  
  
Kindly remember to post the prompt next time so that your essay can be reviewed based on more relevant scoring considerations. As of now, it will not be appropriate for anybody here to comment on your approach and content. Since we do not really know what the discussion instructions are, content comments should be avoided by everyone reviewing your essay.
Hi @Ngocnguyen777!  
There is my feedback for your presentation  
  
1. I found some mistakes on your presentation:  
- Their ~~own~~  ~~respective~~  perspective ( don't use own on the formal presentation)  
- a great amount of proportion (proportion is uncountable)  
- the workforce contributes  
- they invest to looking ( 'to' is preposition)  
- successful  
- join hands  
- also be  
- living in advance~~d~~  
- "There are lots of ... systems for example" => put the word "for example" in the begining of sentence or just erase it.  
  
2. Your conclusion also need to more overview or pharaphase the introduction before give your opinion. The conclusion structure should divine in 2 sentences if you don't have time to write  
  
3. Concentrate on how to build your argument and improve it. You must focus to develop the ideas in 2 or 3 sentences not just 1. The structure that i recommend for your presentation:  
  
+ The argument  
+ The supporting idea  
+ Example  
  
Best regards!  
Jackylove
## As well as making money, businesses also have social responsibilities

.  
***Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
It's argued that besides generating profit, enterprises should also conduct their business in a socially responsible manner. Personally, I completely agree with this view.  
  
In the first place, there is no denying that companies must make money in order to survive in a highly competitive market. If a company is in good financial health, it will make a positive contribution to society. Firstly, the higher the earnings earned by businesses, the more taxes they pay to the government. Therefore, they have more money to public spending such as investment in schools, hospitals, traffic infrastructure, which leads to an increase in the living standard of the whole community. Secondly, if the companies raise substantial revenues, they can reinvest, expand their production, and create more job opportunities within the community.  
  
In addition to the first argument, it can hardly be denied that businesses should do more for society instead of the sole aim of maximizing revenue. One reason is that if the production processes from the enterprises are out of control, it may have negative impacts on the environment such as air pollution due to factory emissions or water pollution as a result of the irresponsible disposal of industrial waste. Another reason is that companies should use a percentage of their income to support those who are unfortunate in society by awarding scholarships, donating money to local charities, and environmental programs.  
  
In conclusion, it is my firm belief that all businesses should profoundly reflect upon their social obligations rather than simply making a profit.
You presented an extremely short prompt paraphrase and an improper response. Try to expand on the original presentation by at least 2 sentences, then offer an appropriate format within the remaining 3 sentences for a total of a 5 sentence presentation. That is the most maximum way to earn the highest possible TA score. Your response is incorrect as this only an agree or disagree essay, it is not an "extent" essay so the "completely" response it out of place. It should be a mere agreement with the point of view, with the 2 reasoning topics presented.  
  
The discussion paragraphs are not properly developed either. You presented 2 under explained reasons in the first reasoning paragraph. You failed to properly explain each reason using a relevant example and additional clarification sentences. Rather than presenting so many topic sentences in both paragraphs, you should have just taken one discussion topic per paragraph from the first presentation, and expanded those into individual paragraph explanations. That would have shown a connection between your topics and also, offered you more sentence development opportunities to prove your C&C, LR, and GRA skills to the reviewer.  
  
Overall, the essay works, but could have been better using a more appropriate format. Although the response is partially incorrect, it still delivers an appropriate response to the given question so it will be acceptable to a certain extent to the examiner. Work on expanding your prompt restatement and concluding paraphrase so that is follows the complete 3-5 sentence restatement format. The first and last paraphrase are considered for the TA scoring section.
1. As you know, your presentation are based on one famous teacher in Vietnam. However, it would help if you concentrated on his structure for each point of view. Don't put too many arguments in one paragraph, you need to have some idea to support and give an example to developing this argument.  
  
2. a mistake I found from your essay:  
- more money ~~to~~  for public spendings  
  
3. Your conclusion is not reasonable. It would be best if you got further paraphrase your topic overview before giving your opinion.  
  
4. Your transaction words are not suitable for comparison between the two major arguments. For the first paragraph, you agree with the company about the priority of profit. However, in the second paragraph, you use 'in addition to the first argument', it seems to be not suitable, it sounds like you add more the information supportive idea for the first argument not opposite for this argument.  
  
Sorry, my connection to the Internet is not good!