dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## men fall in love with a girl classmate

  
  
Love is always topic that filmmakers love, this short film " what's inside " tells a young men fall in love with a girl classmate. But he did not dare to speak words of love to that girl and thank to secret in his lucky bag from his grandmother. He was enough brave to say love to her.  
  
Jimmy come back home with feeling upset, and depress. His grandmother felt that thing when she saw thought a window and asked him come over room when he got up the stairs . She told him that when she was young, every lunar new year, she often bought a lucky bag at store back home with a fresh start and good fortune to begin the new year. After that she said " I know this is an important year for you and I prepared a lucky bag just for you". when Jimmy is opening it, she told him " Hey, don't open it yet, though. Not until to you really need it, Okay?"  
  
Lucky bag is alway brings with him when he goes to school everyday. All he need is some lucky. One day, Jimmy accidentally met Katie, his classmate who he falls in love when she dropped a book. After that, he took out his lucky bag to see and he thought that fortune might come from this gift of grandma, then they also met at the tea house where Jimmy often sings there, repair car together when her car has trouble Every time they meet, he usually looks at lucky bag and smiles with it. That is great time to them. They are in love and getting closer.  
  
One day, when talking with his closer friend, Jimmy decide to confess and want to give her a gift, but when it comes to there, he suddenly is stumbled and fell on floor. The friends make fun of him by that accident, he is embarrassed and left.He thought that lucky bag did not bring fortune when he need.  
  
Jimmy had isolated himself, don't care any messegers from his friends. Feeling is sad and irritated và he thought a gift and a secret appear. It turn out to be a box by wood, the secret is revealed in side with a papper written carefully: " Jimmy, you're kind, talented, smart and funny. You are capable of doing so much more than you can imagine.You don't need luck because it's what's inside that matters." After reading, he realized what grandma wants to said. Jimmy decides to follow his love and takes courage to meet Katie and a happy ending for both.
@Anthony Ho  
Hello there. I'll provide you with writing feedback.  
  
Please be cautious of the structure of your sentences. Notice how some portions have quite inappropriate and informal tones. You can enhance the overall structure by being more organized through using the right punctuation at all costs. Try to be wary of run-on sentences wherein you merely blabber without adding sufficient gaps and spaces.  
  
Furthermore, try to also be aware of instances wherein your grammar is out-of-key. For instance, be cautious of the tenses. Remember that you should always be consistent with your usage of tenses to ensure that your overall composition has sufficient meaning.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## US government research expenditure

  
  
The graph illustrates the amount of money spent on research of us government over the period of 28 years, starting from 1980 .  
It is clear that us government expenditure for all researches increased. Also, health was by far the most popular research in this period.  
As can be seen from the graph, in 1980, the amount of money poured into health research was approximately 8 billions, more than other researches. In the next 24 years, despite a considerable decrease to about 7 billions in the first 4 years, this figure for health witnessed a dramatical increase to over 20 billions in 2004 before slight decreased to under 20 billions at the end of the period. Meanwhile, the expenditure for energy till remained unchanged in the first 12 years before having a significant increase to just over 5 billions in 2008.  
  
Of other researches, the expenditure for space and other was nearly the same in 1980. over the period of 28 years, these two researches all have fluctuation before ending at nearly 10 billions and 7 billions in 2008 respectively.  
  
*
**## Parents of obese children should be punished for making their children fat.

  
*Do you agree or disagree?***  
  
It is disputed that whether parents of overweight kids should be blamed on causing offspring obese. The passage totally disagrees the statement since kids are responsible for their own healthy and since obesity may occur due to genetic factors.  
  
First, it is possible that genetic factors may be attributed to the overweight of children. Since the infant was born, the cells of overweight infant may tend to be more likely than those of normal one to absorb nutrition, causing more fat to accumulate in its body. Even though parents provide enough food, the children still tend to be obese. According to recent research, it is found that an abnormal cell from child absorbs 30% more fat than normal one on the condition that both children consume same amount of food.  
  
Second, children should be the one who take responsibility for their health since parents can't always be present with them. When kids are at school or go on a trip with friends, there is a great chance that they consume more junk food and beverages than they usually do and, as a result, become obesity due to too much fat received. Also, the recent theory studied by nutritionists has revealed that children tend to spend 80% of their money on food, especially junk food, and drinks.  
  
In conclusion, parents should not be punished for causing overweight kids since the cause of obesity to children may be contributed to kids' not taking good care of their own health or some genetic factors.  
  
(251 words)
Hi,  
  
There is a sentence that seems odd to me. Since I am not a native speaker either, hope someone else can point out if I say it wrong.  
  
I think it would be better to check how to use these two verbs, attribute and contribute. In paragragh 2, "genetic factors may be attributed to the overweight of children" seems not correct, it probably should be "the overweight children may be attributed to the genetic factors." or you can use contribute instead.  
  
Jocelyn
@jocelyn wang  
Ur right already, u don't need to be humble :).  
And u @s410377088, the reasons of the 3rd paragraph is good and strong, i like it :). But there are some points that make me irritated :V.  
  
For example: do not use "kid", it is an informal word that is not encouraged to use. Your point will be degraded. And in IELTS, "can't" is an acronym, and an acronym is not allowed to use, u will be degraded for that.  
  
In addition, the reasons of the 2nd paragraph is not firm and strong. You only give 1 reason, it may reasonable because of your scientific researches. But you lack more reasons like parents do not care much about their children, as a result to obesity. That is a point that i think u should add.  
  
Hope u do well in the future :) !
@jocelyn wang @lichien0422  
thanks for both of your correction  
@Dang Khoa  
thx for the compliment  
as for your 2nd paragraph's advice, will the argument be more persuasive by doing the following corrections:  
Since the infant was born..... causing more fat to accumulate in its body. ~~Even though parents ... be obese.~~  
  
**In this case, there is not so much that father and mother can do to prevent children from gaining extra weight.**
## Ielts Writing task 2 - Environment problems

  
  
I'm trying to practice my writing for the next Ielts test and I only got 5.5 last time.  
I feel like i have a huge problem with the way using words. Hope you guys can correct it for me.  
  
*\*Forest produces fresh oxygen and participates in regulating climate. But every year tree cover of our planet is lessening due to deforestation.  
What are the primary causes of deforestation? To what results may it lead?*  
  
According to environmental experts, forest plays a huge role in regulating climate. However, because of the deforestation, the amount of trees cut down each year now increases significantly and that probably leads to several damaging effects.  
  
To begin with, we will discover about some primary causes of this phenomenon. The first reason is certainly over-exploitation for logging. We clearly can see that the amount of tree cut down is much larger than the proportion which recovers naturally. According to some recent researches, about 8% of wood harvested each year but only 2% of which are replanted. In addition, the needs of people contribute to this problem as well. The population increasing continuously each year raises the demand for new facilities. In order to fulfill the growing trend, wood is commonly chosen among architects as the main building material. Fast expansion of the manufacturing industry also takes part in the deforestation. Big organizations utilize their businesses by taking forest land to build new factories, industrial areas.  
  
Those reasons may lead to hundred of problems. The first one definitely is air pollution. With number of trees decreased, the amount of carbon dioxide may outweigh the oxygen emitted, this can create some issues regarding respiratory. Air pollution is just minor effect as our ecosystem is greatly damaged and causes catastrophic phenomenon such as flood, drought, global warming. Based on the data recorded over the years, the temperature of Earth has increased 1-2 degree. The areas of ice are shrinking dramatically brings negative effects on the wild life of North and South poles.  
  
In conclusion, over uses of wood and the growing presence of manufacturing industry are two main reasons that cause deforestation. Human activities carry many alarming outcomes to the surrounding environment. To deal with this situation, people need to take serious actions to preserve the forest so future generations do not have to live in a polluted planet.
Hi,  
  
Here is my opinion for your reference.  
  
It's a bit hard to read the essay. You have a lot of ideas, but not explain those well. And the sentences seem not relevant to each other, especially in the second paragraph. Maybe it would be better to structure your ideas first and then extend them.  
  
For example, after "the needs of people contribute to this problem as well.", you can try to describe what kind of needs can contribute to the problem. Use this method to review your writing, and delete some unnecessary sentences.  
  
Best wishes,  
Jocelyn
## The family unit, and how it has changed

  
  
*In recent years, the family structure has changed, as well as family roles. What are the changes occurring? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?*  
  
*Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
Recent years have shown changes in structures and roles in families. This essay will discuss what the specific differences are nowadays, and it will prove that those changes are mostly positive.  
  
The two main changes regarding family structures and also family roles are less members in the household as well as working parents. These days, many couples decide to have only one child at maximum rather than two or even more to be able enjoy their life and have more freedom whereas having more children or having children at an early stage of a relationship would force both parents to care for an infant as opposed to going out to a club every night. In addition, both parents decide to get a job the days, usually a full-time job whereas a couple of years ago, the mother had to stay at home and care for the child only; meanwhile, the father was the breadwinner of the family.  
  
These changes are mostly positive. For instance, having only one child and allowing the female partner to work full-time means that the couple has more money available. However, working parents may have to neglect their child to be able to work and earn more money together. This development in the family roles can have a negative effect on the children. For example, parents are not able to control with whom their child spends time while they are at work. It can change its behaviour and even join some gangs.  
  
In conclusion, changes such as fewer household members and working parents may give parents the opportunity to earn more money and keep it for themselves; however, it can also distract from caring for their child which can therefore lead to it becoming bad behaved. (289 words)
I AM SPEECHLESS!, your essay is so well-written and it's really hard to find out the mistakes in this essay. Indeed, there are some make me irritated ( i dont know if it's right or not because the way you write is definitely better than me :) )  
  
In the 2nd paragraph: "... as opposed *to going out to a club every night*" I think being too detailed here is not right a lil bit because you know? Not all kind of parents want to go out for a club every night! Which i think u should make it lil bit general first then write that part down.  
  
In the 3rd paragraph too: "... and even ***join some gangs***." this one is also too detailed and u already know the reason.  
  
Hope u find this helpful and if not, thanks for giving me useful vocab like "breadwinner" :) !
@Patryk0206  
Hello there. I'll provide you with extensive feedback on your writing.  
  
Firstly, I suggest attempting to simplify your usage of language at times. I would prefer that if you can try to divide a line into two specific portions opt to do this. For instance, the second paragraph was packed with content - but, you were unable to fully flesh out your thoughts with more depth because of the flow of the content.  
  
Secondly, try to use more academically appropriate words that would tailor fit your writing more. Creating a more concise structure means to try and attempt to construct meaningful and yet simplified content. For instance, words such as "not able" should be changed to *unable*. Having deconstructed sentences is often not recommended because it can clutter your content.  
  
Best of luck as always.
## carbon dioxide (CO2) 1967-2007

  
  
The graph illustrates information about how much average carbon dioxide is discharged by each inhabitant in the United Kingdom, Sweden, Italy, and Portugal in a 50-year period, from 1967 to 2007.  
  
Overall, while CO2 emissions per person in the UK and Sweden decreased, Italy and Portugal's counterparts witnessed upward trends. In addition, the amount of CO2 exhausted in the UK stood for first place over the period.  
  
Regarding Portugal, despite going up significantly from 1.3 metric tonnes in 1967 to 5.5 metric tonnes in 2007, the amount of carbon dioxide released was still lower than those of other countries. There was a similar trend in the CO2 emissions of each individual in Italy. The figure in 1967 was 4.2 metric tonnes, which was three times as much as that of Portugal, then increased considerably throughout 50 years to 7.8 in 2007.  
  
By contrast, the average amount of CO2 discharged by citizens in Sweden saw remarkable growth in the first 10 years, from 8.5 to 10.2 metric tonnes, then plummeted to 5.5 metric tonnes, which was the same as Portugal counterpart. In terms of the UK, despite decreasing slightly from 10.5 to 8.4 metric tonnes, the figure was the largest of the four countries.  
  
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## Environment and Transportation

  
  
The expanding use of motorbikes and cars is risings the rates of air pollution, global temperatures and causing some diseases like heart attacks, tuberculosis ,... we all agree that car is one of the most convenient means of transportation , but is it worthy to trade off the environment?  
  
The emissions of cars discharged into the environment each year is quite high. It contains sulfur dioxide (SO2), benzene (C6H6),carbon monoxide (CO) and other poison which is very harmful to people's health. In the other hand, the smoke from cars will vanish out into air,causing air pollution and damaging the atmosphere.  
  
In many metropolises , car and and other transportation is overwhelming,so they can cause the noise disturbance. It has a negative impact on both humans and animals, especially the latter. The animal exposure to city-noise can change their habit and lost their hearing forever.  
  
Nowadays, the government is trying to encourage people to go by public transportation more-often. But it just a small number in compared with the number of cars which still circulating on the road
The table manifests English public traveling in different modes has changed from 1985 to 2000, inclusive of walking, bicycle, car, local bus, long distance bus, train, taxi, and other.  
  
According to the table, the total amount of average distance in miles travelled per person per year shows a significantly accretion, by 1735 miles. Cars were the most popular transportation in England in both 1985 and 2000. Taxi had the least miles between any other travel modes in 1985, accounted for 13 miles, although the amount of taxi's miles increased in 2000, taxi were still classified as an unpopular transportation, constituted 42 miles.  
  
The changes of different travel modes between 1985 and 2000 can divided into two parts, increasing and decreasing. Car, long distance bus, train, taxi, and other transportation got accretions from 1985 to 2000, however, train and taxi increased slightly, by no more than 100 miles. Walking, bicycle, and local bus decreased during 1985 to 2000.  
  
Overall, car were always the main travel mode in England. In contrast, bicycle and taxi were the least popular transportation for English public.  
  
*
It's a wonderful essay!  
Here are some edits that I prefer:  
  
**long-distance**  
  
**traveled**  
**significant~~ly~~**  
  
**The taxi**  
the **number** ..., **the** taxi **was** still classified as ~~an~~ **unpopular**  
  
can **be** divided  
Car, **long-distance**  
... decreased **from**  
  
Overall, the car **was** always  
for **the** English public.  
  
Thanks
Please help me to evaluate this essay. Kindly give your comment and feedback about this essay in this thread. I wrote this essay for my daily writing practice. Thank you.  
  
Prompt :  
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? "Overall, the widespread use of the internet has a mostly positive effect on life in today's world."*  
  
topic source (toeflresources.com/sample-toefl-essays/sample-essays-i)  
  
## Internet became widespread quickly

  
  
The use of internet on a daily basis has mostly positive effect on life in today's world. People find the internet is very helpful, hence they use this technology in their daily basis. Some of the helpful things that people get by using the internet are as follows.  
  
Firstly, the advantages of using internet in education. Internet has greatly affected education in many ways. One of these is changing the foundation of how we study in school. In the past, before the widespread use of the internet, people must attend classroom to learn the subjects that they want to learn. In this present day, by using the internet, people do not have to attend the classroom. Many schools and organizations that provide learning service have already used the internet platform to teach. The students can learn self-paced accordingly with their time and locations.  
  
Secondly, the widespread use of the internet has greatly affected how we get and use the news and information around our life. People get news and information about disaster, crime and official issue vastly and quickly from the internet. This greatly helps people life especially when they do not have time to buy a magazine or newspaper or listen to news and information from radio.  
  
And lastly, the use of internet has given a great advantage in terms of wellness especially health care. People can get information about wellness in the internet. Most of wellness organization have used the internet to maintain their relation with the patients via the internet platform. People nowadays can also conveniently use the internet to schedule medical appointments or buy medicine from pharmacy or clinic.  
  
In conclusion, the widespread use of the internet nowadays has greatly affected people's life with mostly in positive and advantageous way. In the future, when the internet is fully used by all of people, it will greatly help every part on life.
I am not a native speaker, but I would like to try my best help. However, the following tips are my personal opinion, not always correct.  
  
You can use stronger verb more frequently, it will make your essay more persuasive.  
Also avoid repetition of words.  
The following sentences which were rewritten by me are only for reference.  
  
Firstly, the advantages of using internet ... (utilize or use)  
In the past, before the widespread use ...  
(Before the popularization of the Internet, students must attended classroom for learning subjects.)  
In this present day, by using the internet...  
(Nowadays, as the well-development of the Internet, people can study in long-distance, even at home.)  
Many schools and organizations that provide ...  
(Providing the Internet platforms by schools and institutes for learning had become common services.)  
  
This greatly helps people life especially ...  
  
(people's) (It significantly enhance the efficiency of people's life especially when they are too busy to buy magazines or listen to news from radio.)  
  
~~And~~ lastly, the use of internet ...
## Honey producing bee colonies (US)

  
  
the chart give information about the numbers of honey-bee colonies and phony production in the United State from 1970-2010.  
There were 4 millions honey-ice colonies in 1970. However, these measures rose to 4.2 millions in 1980. But over 30 next years. These amounts decreased to 1 million every ten years. For instance, From 1990-2010, these numbers dropped from 3.5 millions to 1.8 millions  
  
In 1970, the quantities of honey production were 130.000 tonnes. Differ from 1970, the honey productions fell 110.000 tonnes in 1980. But at the next 10 years, it suddenly went up 120.000 tonnes in 1990. Then, the measure of honey productions continually decreased every 10 years. Detail, in 2000 and 2010, these measures dropped respective 100.000 tonnes and 2010.  
  
Generally speaking, The charts show that the quantity of both bee colonies and honey production have fallen during the 40-year period. Though, the relationship is not really concerned with each other. Because, when colonies rose in 1980, honey production fell. On the other hands, when colonies decreased in 1990, honey production increased.  
  
Thank you so much!
Hello, I can see that there are too much **unecessary repetiitons**, such as "quantity" or "production", "fall", "decrease", "period" and some of the centences are not well-paraphase. Try to search for **more word to descirble changes** instead of using basic verbs like "fall, increase,...", then replace with "jump, accelerate, decline, shrink" or some phases like "reach a peak at", "stand at", "hit a historic low".  
  
You also need to **use more adj or adv** such as "hardly, dramatically, considerable, notable,..." These are very important in achieving higher Ielts scores.  
  
Please remember to add a picture of the chart next time so people will not find diffiiculties in correcting your writing. Good luck!
@truong123456  
Hi there.  
  
I'll provide you with writing feedback.  
  
I agree with what was previously mention that adding the graph would be helpful for fellow learners to give you appropriate feedback.  
  
However, based on the writing you have provided here, you can improve your composition overall by adding appropriate punctuation and meaning to your written account. Try to focus on the structure, flow, and organization to help you in the long-run in creating valued texts.  
  
Furthermore, try to use synonymous terms in order for you to not have such repetitive content. This will enhance the dynamism of your writing.  
  
Best of luck as always.