dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please help me check this essay. Thank you for reading.  
  
***Some people think elderly employees are more useful to a company while others believe younger employees are better.***  
## Discuss both views and give your opinion.

  
  
It is thought by some that elderly employees are more useful for a company, whereas other people contend that younger ones are better. In my opinion, I totally agree with the latter view.  
  
On the one hand, there is one reason why several people think that elderly workers play a more useful role in a company. Employing elderly workers assists a company in saving money and time on job-related training. This is because they are normally more proficient in jobs and have more work experience, compared to young workers ordinary having insufficient time in order to implement what they have learnt to practice jobs and having not lived long enough to experience numerous incidents involved in jobs. Therefore, the elderly work more effectively and resolve most problems without attending job-related training frequently, adding up to the fact that an employer does not have to invest money and time in training new workers.  
  
In spite of the aforementioned arguments, others and I believe that young employees are better. Firstly, they can make more contributions to an employer. Unlike the elderly normally considered as married, most young employees are unmarried and can devote most of their time, for they do not need to spend time on family. Secondly, in a high-tech society, the young become more helpful. Nowadays, many companies are adopting new high-tech technologies to enhance productivity instead of employing obsolete ones. Despite having more work experience, elderly workers tend to do what they are accustomed to and hardly learn to use these new technologies. Nevertheless, The young learn the new technologies easier owing to being inherently curious about new things.  
  
In conclusion, although the idea that elderly workers are more useful for an employer sounds reasonable, I am in favor of the idea that younger ones are better.
@dunganh  
Hi! I'll be responsible for checking your writing and giving feedback.  
  
Your first paragraph should be solely dedicated to immediately answering what is required from you. However, before straightly jumping into this, it is highly recommended that you give at least a sentence or two of a background that will relay why this part of the text has to be given attention to.  
  
In the latter parts of the text, I heavily recommend that you try to cut down the amount of phrases that you try to include in one sentence. For instance, the second paragraph's last sentence appears to be rather twisted in that regard. Be more specific with what is being demanded from you in this part of the text.  
  
The conclusion also needs to be worked on. It doesn't necessarily give a staggering reason as to why the younger ones are better candidates for work. You should have been able to formulate a more substantive conclusion, rather than giving out a flimsy one-liner on why this is a critical part of the writing.
## individual decision in education

  
  
Education is an integral part of life. There is a diverse range of learning methods, and different levels of education. And to many cultures, education at universities is often considered a great, if not the highest, honor to achieve, yields to its difficulties and the large commitments required. Despite its obvious advantages, I believe attending university should be left as an individual decision, rather than made compulsory.  
  
There is no doubt of the knowledge and wisdom one can acquire during the years at university. Students get to examine concepts they may or may not have encountered at lower grades, but now with more in-depth, with broader coverage, and perhaps at different perspectives. For instance, high-school students get to see certain chemical substances react to change color and form precipitates, but few will truly understand how the chemical reaction occurs, why, and what happens to each atomic bonding. Above all, university education expose students to the meta-cognitive strategies. This strategy underlies within each lessons, assignments and projects. Students are encouraged to 'think about their thinking', and this skill is such crucial and practical for students when they need to make any decisions further in their lives, and at the same time become prudent citizens.  
  
On the other hand, there are many reasons to not making university education compulsory, namely time and effort commitment, and financial hardship from the scholars. These components should never be weighed lightly, taking in account of each person's background and their interests. By attending universities, scholars commit themselves to four more years after high-school, to study hard, write exams, many even endures stress and anxiety just to keep up with the immense workload. That being said, the most common reason to not studying at universities is the financial factor. Tuition fees and related expenses increase from year to year. And unfortunately, some families couldn't afford it, and instead let their children join trade programs, which is the shortest way to earn money. Regarding this issue, governments should willingly offer financial aids, or no-interest loans to encourage people to pursue the studies, considering all the benefits mentioned above.  
  
To summarize, university undoubtedly brings many values beyond theoretical lessons. However, each person should be left to their own choices whether to attend these high-level educational institutions or not, based upon their personal circumstances and interests. In other words, university education should not be compulsory for everyone. And, I strongly believe that all governments have a responsibility to make sure that no citizens give up on universities because they cannot afford one.
@juliah7284  
Hi there! Welcome here. I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us again should you have more questions.  
  
Firstly, that first paragraph is great. I think that the straightforward approach to writing certainly helps in giving the readers a briefing on what to anticipate with the rest of the text.  
  
What I do think can be improved would be the usage of a more appropriate length for the rest of the writing. If we take a look at your second paragraph, the part where you start giving out examples on the writing, I think that you should have stuck with keeping the sentences short and sweet - this will certainly help in no longer dragging around the rest of your writing.  
  
The latter parts of the writing should also be treated with the same regard. Noticeably, the third paragraph needs to be more put-together. Try your best to always keep writing about what is necessary, and stay away from adding details that are inessential and unnecessary for the text's substantiation.
## difficulties to concentrate on or pay attention to study

  
  
It is true that being able to concentrate for a period of time is a skill which is very useful for children to enhance their study performance at school. While some children can keep attention throughout a period of certain time, others find it hard, especially whe they are studying. Although this problem can be contributed to a great of reasons, it is not without some feasible solutions that ca be considered to address this issue.  
  
Admittedly, there are some plausible reasons why some students have been struggling to focus on tastle or activities. First of all, due to the proliferation of socia; media, such as facebook, instagram, and so on, kids tend to binge-match newfeeds or instant messengers, which makes them lose track of time and stay late. In fact, these children will get time in the next morning, they do not have enough energy to focus on their priority-study as a result. Secondly, the overload number of reasons that students have learn everysingle day at school may makes them overloaded. A point in this case is that children receive too much information, cannot understand what they are studying, then getting frustrated and unable to pay attention in classroom.  
  
Nevertheless, this phenomenon can be tackled by some following solutions. Firstly, parents should limit the time that their off springs are allowed so utilize computers or mobile phones, which in turn giving children more time for their priorities, such as study. Secondly, by reforming education program, the government can lessen the number of lessons as well as encourage them to take part in more outdoor activities, such as volleyball or basketball, which are very beneficial to children's mental development.  
  
In conclusion, not being able to focus a issue that some causes can be pronounced. By taking some above steps, both parents and the government will be able to give children a hand to learn the concentration skill.
@Bennytruong  
Welcome to the forum! This is my feedback for this writing of yours.  
  
Try to read up again on the usage of appropriate punctuation in your writing. If we take a look at your first paragraph, it is noticeable how you needed to incorporate a more solidified transition throughout your writing because it appears to be rather bland as of what you have now.  
  
Furthermore, when you're trying to expound on key details of writing, it would be much better if you incorporated a different writing approach wherein you focus a lot more on enhancing the depth of writing rather than trying to escalate the writing by over-explaining. You had done this in your second paragraph's first point. A concrete example would be an analysis that is based on observation, rather than one that is merely telling what will happen. Appearing to have a more scientific basis to your core opinions will certainly boost your writing a lot more.  
  
Your writing also appears to be a tad bit repetitive. If we take a look at your third paragraph's last sentences, the way that you transitioned from point A to point B doesn't have that much of a value and weight to them. Use a different transition method next time around to ensure you aren't writing without a purpose.
This is my ielts writing task 2. Can some one help me check and give me some advives.  
  
## Education as a Deterrent to Crime

  
  
Topic:  
*In many countries imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes.  
However some people believe that better education will be a more effective solution. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
My answer:  
  
In many countries imprisonment is the most common solution to crimes. However, some people believe that the reduction of crime rate will be achieved more effectively through better education. I agree with this view.  
  
On the one hand, crimes caused by lack of perceptive power to distinguish both right and wrong. On the other hand, people who couldn't control their emotion are easy committing a crime. Meanwhile, prison doesn't solve the problem to the every roots. It is just effective in dealing with offenders in the short-term. Murders, for instance, must be imprisoned for many years and such a punishment may act as a deterrent. They know that they will face loss of freedom, social isolation and separation from their loved ones if they carry out such criminal acts.  
  
However, I believe that education has a better role to cope with crimes. Firstly, people should train power of discernment to gain knowledge about right and wrong. Every wrong acts have bad consequences. As a result, they are better prepared to avoid situations which may involve them in crime. Secondly, psychology education is an important step which helps people increase their awareness about self negative emotion may lead them to wrong behaviours. Lastly, in prison themselves, educational programmes must aim to provide prisoners with skills and qualifications to reintegrate community and find work when they are released.  
  
I consider that imprison is not the best effective weapon to fight against crimes in the long-term, and I believe that providing better education is a more essential and durable solution to reduce the crime rate.
@tamminh  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.  
  
First and foremost, the first paragraph is a bit bland because of the lack of substance. When we take a look at, for instance, how you transitioned from the second sentence to the third, it doesn't necessarily pull the strings of the readers. What I recommend is trying to ease the flow of your writing. The second sentence appears to be a rather biased perception; try to always ensure that you have a balanced approach to writing.  
  
I have also observed that you still lack incorporating depth into your writing. When we take a glance at the body paragraphs, it is observable how you did not incorporate substantive and concrete information that would create more definition to the examples that you were placing in your writing.  
  
The conclusion also lacks the same weight onto it, especially because you did not have a briefed analysis on what should be anticipated in the entirety of the writing.  
  
Best of luck!
## the guns permit issue

  
  
Many people think that ordinary people should not have ownership of guns because of an increase in society's crime and violence. I completely agree with that notion due to crime prevention and a reduction in violence rates.  
  
Preventing crime, which is one of the most crucial factors, worth mentioning. In fact, if guns are available in an uncontrolled way, then this is the best chance for criminals who have a tendency to use them to commit crimes. In terms of police, perhaps, they will be able to lose control of offenses, which gives rise to social chaos.  
  
Nowadays, violence is becoming more and more severe regarding social classes, religion, politics, and culture. But the main factor worth considering is that ignorance of those especially in adults and teenagers owning guns leads to social conflict, seriously, violent clashes. For instance, imagine if students at school had a gun when they didn't keep their temper in unpredictable situations, consequently, they might resort to violence to deal with issues by their weapon, hence this would result in a significant rise in the use of violence instead of not using guns.  
  
To sum up, I think that guns need to be controlled in the right way, as well as normal people should not be able to hold the guns in order to partially decrease crime and violence in society and live in peace and harmony.
@Trunggrasshopper  
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I hope that you learn something from the platform.  
  
Firstly, the first paragraph is still lacking. From the get-go, it was noticeable how the writing itself doesn't have substantial details throughout. The first paragraph doesn't have sufficient details ingrained into it. You were unable to show what the thesis statement actually is here - and this can impede the overall context of your writing because you cannot fully explain what the direction of writing will be.  
  
Furthermore, try to have a more structured and organized writing approach. The first sentence of the second paragraph appears to be rather flimsy because of its manner of construction. This goes the same with the last sentence of this paragraph.  
  
The conclusion also needs to be worked on. Bear in mind that you have to be clearer with what you are intending to relay throughout.
Thanks a lot for your attention.  
  
**The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationship of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extend do you agree?**  
  
## what kind of people should the media be focused on?

  
  
Every day newspapers, magazines and television discuss private lives and rumours about well-known people, forgetting about locals around. It makes sense in order that the primary consideration of editors is profit and affairs of celebrities are sold well. However, viewers and readers must know about what is happen around people similar to them.  
  
The great factor that constitutes the news is economics. There is no doubt, a magazine with celebrity on its cover will get buyers' attention. In addition, if American newspaper regularly covered issues such as gold mining in Argentina or diligent farmer who yield high crops, people would simply cancel their subscriptions. The interest in stories of high status persons is ingrained in the human nature, thus rumors about them get extensive coverage.  
  
With the social media, thousands of ordinary people now have a chance to be in the limelight, inspiring others, who do not have a pedigree, to venture. Anyone with a smartphone now get access to talented writers, artists, cooks and bloggers and their authentic shows, avoiding notorious and addictive rumours and affairs. How great would it be if the mass media shared prominient stories about them, yet a vast majority of viewers and readers will focus on the unnecessary parts of famous people's lifestyles.  
  
To conclude, the media outlets can not ignore the trivial banalities of celebrity affairs and focus primarily on the real world issues that concern us all. Therefore, it feeds people minds what they want in order to survive. Fortunately enough, with the help of technologies, users now have a life raft to cling to.
@isshi  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Thanks for coming to the site. Hopefully, my feedback will give you insight on how to improve your writing.  
  
I appreciate the writing approach that you have in the first paragraph. It was quite straightforward, making it easier to interpret the writing.  
  
In the latter parts of the writing, the general issue that I have is mostly related to the transition between your sentences. Noticeably, the second to the third paragraphs are both quite inconsistent in the provision of information throughout your writing. While there's nothing fundamentally wrong with your writing itself, I have noticed that certain parts can appear to be rather baffling because of the method that you transition from one logical statement to another.
## water use and water consumption coverage

  
  
**The graph and table below give information about water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparison where relevant.**  
  
There are one line graph and one table. The former illustrates the quantity of water usage by different ways in the world while the latter depicts the water consumption in Brazil and Congo in the year of 2000.  
  
Overall, it is exceedingly evident that agriculture water usage accounted for a great deal of amount in 2000. Meanwhile, water consumption for each citizen in Brazil was for than in Congo in the same year.  
  
Taking a closer look at each graph and table, it is crystal clear that agriculture water usage was gradually increased from 1990 to 1950 and rose dramatically from 1950 to 2000 and reached 3000km3 in the year of 2000. On the contrary, industrial and domestic water usage remained stable from 1900 to 1940. From 1950 they both increased slightly while the industrial water usage rose higher than domestic one until 2000.  
  
As can be seen on the table, Brazil had 176 million population, which was 35 times more than Congo. Compared to both countries' water consumption for each citizen, it is no doubt that Brazil required more water than Congo due to the fact that tremendous irrigated land and population.  
  
*
@roswita116  
Hi there. Welcome to the site! I am hoping that the feedback you receive here will be useful for your endeavors.  
  
First and foremost, I think that you could have merged together the first two paragraphs to create a more comprehensive introduction to your writing. If you are able to merge these two together, you'll come up with a more substantive writing that'll help you enhance your overall work.  
  
When tackling the latter parts of the essay, I think that you can still improve the third paragraph by compartmentalizing the details of the years that you were trying to illustrate. If you are able to do this, you'll have a more enhanced approach to writing in the long-run.
*Could you guys help me to correct my writing ?? I took the IELTS exam at least three times, my my writing score still not good enough. Thanks a lot.*  
  
***The only way to reduce the amount of traffic in cities today is by reducing the need for people to travel from home for work, education or shopping.***  
  
## TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

  
  
In recent years, the issues of traffic congestion which is a growing popularity topic of society have been discussing for a long period. Some people suggest that breaking the reasons will male the traffic problems getting better. Personally, I agree with the advice.  
  
Money is always the most considerable point of driving cars. According to the polls from the communication department of government, the main reason of the people who takes the public transportation at least five times per week is because of the road fee for the person who drives the car. Also, since the government implement the higher tax of owning a car, and make various transport systems, such as bus, train, and tube, the proportion of using public transports is rising than last decade.  
  
On the other hands, business people cooperates with government to design a new convenience city, which means they adjust some places, build new roads ,and even rebuild new building to distribute the traffic jam. Moreover, their goal of the new city organization not only for the traffic congestion, and they also hope to improve the locals' life quality. The research of life quality shows that the proportion of the residents who live in a messy traffic city suffer from the mental disease is more risky than the citizens who living in a remote area or a convenience field.  
  
To sum up, the more traffic fee the government impose, the less car people drive. In addition, the more traffic systems the government makes, the more choices people takes. Furthermore, the new city plan also help reducing the amount of traffic demanding, while it offer a better life quality to the local.
@POR HWA  
Hi there. I would like to give you some feedback about your writing. 😁😁  
  
Your writing structure is quite good, which contains some main writing structures of your paragraph.  
However, I found out that the topic is asking you "do you agree or disagree about the only way to reduce the traffic in cities is reducing the needs of people to go out"  
  
As I can see in your introduction, your answer is "yes, you agree this statement"( Personally, I agree with the advice.)  
Nevertheless, when I read your body paragraph, you did not mention about the reasons and examples of "why" you agree this statement.  
(You just said that the main reason why people take public transportation is because of road fee and high tax which is not revelent of topic.)  
  
Here I have some examples that if you agree this statements.  
1. Nowadays,online courses allow people to study at home instead of increasing the possibilities that people taking transportation to go to school.  
2.Teleworking can reduce the amount of people who commutes every day.  
  
These two ways may reduce the need of people go out and it will ease the traffic in the cities.  
  
Overall, I think you should be aware of what exactly the topic want to ask you and be bear in mind that the task achievement (answer the essay questions with relevant main points) is part of evaluation of your band score.