dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
*Hi,I just started to learn writing a few days ago. Could your guys fix it for me ? Thank you .*  
  
## I prefer bus more than an another transport

  
  
My favorite form of transportation is bus. Although it has a few disadvantages, I still like it because of these advantages. First, bus is very cheap and suits for everybody. For example, it just takes two thousands dong for students and six thousand dongs for adult. Therefore,it helps us to save money especially a student who doesn't have a certain job like me.Second,using bus is very convenient. Nowadays,buses are equipped air-conditioner and free wifi in order to service customer. Imaging in rush hour, a thousand of people get stuck outside with a freaking hot weather,you inside a bus enjoy air conditioner and surf Facebook.Third, besides a low cost, the convenience, it also contributes to protecting the environment. Going by public transportation can lessen the number of cars on street, and thus reduce carbon dioxide emission to the atmosphere.Fourth,using bus is safer. In some researches, most of the accidents happen because of people's carelessness. Taking cars off the road and replacing with public transport can help to reduce the total number of traffic accidents. In conclusion, going by bus has many benefits for us and for society.
Tran, when writing an essay that has several topics for discussion, it is best for you to offer each topic a separate paragraph so that it is easier for you to write and develop your presentation while also making it easier for the reader to skim across the page, reading your material. If you must use the counting system of presenting your information then please do so in the manner that you deem fit. However, in order to effectively prepare the reader for these changing topics, you should first offer a transition sentence at the end of the first topic that helps to introduce the second topic. When you get used to using transition sentences, you will find it unnecessary to use the numbering system in presenting your reasons in every paragraph.  
  
As I mentioned in this essay, it is better to present one topic per paragraph so that you can offer a more solid discussion of your reasons. From the way that you present the reasons at the moment, you are not really convincing the reader about why you prefer to take the bus. Comparison points such as the cost of taking a taxi or the train as opposed to taking the bus would have helped when you said the bus was a more affordable form of transport. The same line of reasoning should have applied to the other reasons you presented so that you could have more effectively convinced the reader that your choice is a logical and preferable one when considering other options.
## a suit or a dress in a human life

  
  
Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about impacts fashion has on their life. While many believe that highly fashionable clothes make contribution to increasing values of people who wear them, I would argue that this tendency is, de facto, filled with negative points.  
  
Wearing clothes coming from reputable brand names is preferable for several reasons, and one explanation is that costly things are believed to set people who possess them in a status of being wealthy. This is because only people with sufficient financial conditions are able to spend a large amount of money making the most of these fads to gorgeously shape their images. Moreover, those who harbor the mindset of keeping up with the Johness always try to keep pace with trends which are followed by the majority.  
  
As for me, this tendency may have detrimental effects on teenagers whose revenue is not abundant enough to purchase expensive wears. This means that not-less-important necessities, like learning or accomodation fees, have to be cut off when more money is allocated to clothing, which, of course, leads to an unbalanced living standard. So, if people are addicted to fashionable clothes, unemployment or homeless will be possibly their status.  
  
That is not to say that fashion does not play a pivotal role in social progress. Indeed, fashionable wears are a combination of designers' creativity and environmental factors, and they mirror characteristics and tastes of people wearing them. Yet, following fashion blindly without concerning ones' social status or budget is, from my viewpoint, a waste of time and money.  
  
In sum, a suit or a dress in vogue is chosen as buyers think they look more prosperous when wearing it, but if young people shift towards purchasing expensive things, they can lose their house as well as their job. Meanwhile, we should not underestimate positive effects fashion has on society.
@HuyenHung  
"the impact that fashion has on their life" [line 1]  
"clothes make contribution to increasing ..." I am not clear as to what you mean by that. Do you mean that clothes contribute to the value that people place on themselves?  
  
Wearing reputable band name clothing...  
One explanation is ...  
keeping up with the **Joneses**  
If people become addicted to buying the latest fashion, they could end up bankrupt or even homeless  
CHANGE "wears" to "clothes"  
If I understand the prompt, it is asking if you agree and why. In your concluding paragraph it seems you both agree and disagree.
IELTS academic writing task 2  
  
**Some people say that children should go to school as young as possible, while others believe that children should go to school of at least 7 years old. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.**  
  
## early education for kids

  
  
Studying is always said to be the most important thing in our childhood. Some people believe that children should be sent to school at an early age, while others believe the age of seven is the suitable age for children to start school. There are advantages of both ways but I agree that children should commence their studies as early as possible.  
  
The primary advantage of children staying at home until 7 years old is they can spend more time with parents. Instead of sending their children to other educators, parents can spend quality time to teach and nurture their children at home. This not only strengthens the bonding between parents and children, but also gives children the most suitable education as parents are the ones understand their children's needs the most. A recent article from the University of Melbourne indicates that children prefer their parents to school teachers to teach them. In short, parents taking the role of an educator allows more parent and child time before children reach 7 years old.  
  
On the other hand, children attending school at a young age promotes faster learning and development. Parents can educate their children but they are not professionally trained. Unlike school teachers, parents may not be able to incorporate pedagogy and strategy according to a child's learning milestone to facilitate learning. For instance, an early childhood educator would create a play space that stimulates an infant's sensory experience while parents do not have that knowledge to produce that experience. According to a recent research by University of Hong Kong, if toddlers are involved in a rich learning environment at school, the development of motor and language skills will be faster.  
  
Nowadays, both parents have to work in most of the families. Therefore, not many of them have time to look after their children at home. In addition, even though parents are willing to spend time to teach children, the ways and methods of teaching may not be as well developed as trained teachers. Therefore, I believe sending children to school at the age of two is the most practical and beneficial decision. Parents can work to maintain a family's living while children can receive education provided by professionally recognized teachers at school.
Phoebe, while your opening paraphrase should be commended for its interesting prompt restatement and reproduction of the discussion instructions, your body of paragraph leaves the essay wanting when it comes to a proper discussion approach. As a 5 paragraph essay, this should have clearly depicted the 2 points of view and then your personal opinion or a reverse thereof within the discussion. The way that you discussed this essay shows that it all comes solely from your point of view. How did I come to that conclusion?  
  
Not once in your discussion did you give ownership of the POV topic to the public by referencing "The popular opinion that..." or "In comparison to that point of view, others..." so that you could say "My objective point of view is..." All of which are references to the types of point of view to be presented in the essay. On another note, please remember that during this pen and paper test, you will not have access to the internet. Hence referencing actual information from the University of Melbourne or the University of Hong Kong, though authoritative, will not be something that you can do during the actual test. You won't have access to the internet at that point so it is best for you to get used to using popular opinions and personal knowledge or experience for these discussions.  
  
Another problem with this essay is that it does not have a proper concluding summary. It is an open ended 4 paragraph essay that closes at a point where the discussion has yet to be summarized and concluded by the writer. Why did that happen? Did you run out of time while writing the essay or did you not know that a concluding summary is required as a part of the Task 2 writing requirements?  
  
Your grammar is good. It could be considered intermediate English at this point. Your sentence structure, grammar, and punctuation comes across cleanly and with very little errors. The existing errors do not hamper your writing style nor the understanding of your comments. The paragraphs are clear and the sentences cohesive. Though you lack in the use of transition phrases or sentences, the essay somewhat comes together as a whole. Like I said, the concluding summary paragraph was of great importance in this presentation and that is the part sorely missing in your essay.
## Are you a saver or a spender?

  
I used to wonder myself, what is the difference between the saver and the spender?  
When I was a child, I was deeply aware of the difference between two kinds of people. I have an older brother, and fortunately, he is a saver. He always puts his money away for the future, building a new house, buying a new car and giving my family a better life. Oppositely, my aunt is a spender. She wasted a lot of money on buying everything that not necessary. Therefore/ Consequently, at the end of her life, she had nothing.  
  
Many years ago, I read an economics report from VOA and the report's main topic was " Saving Money". It quoted two old sayings. " A penny saved is a penny earned" and " Putting money away for a rainy day".  
  
They both called attention to the wisdom of saving money.  
There are a lot of different ways to put the money away. People who want to start a savings account have so many choices of where to put their money. These include banks, credit unions, insurance corporations or other financial institutions.  
  
Each has its own pros and cons. They all pay interest on savings account. But the interest rates are generally low. If you want a higher interest rate, you can make certificates of deposit. However, you couldn't withdraw your money for a period of time. This term could be anywhere from a few months to several years. Longer terms, larger amounts, pay higher interest. You also have to pay a small fine to withdraw the money early. Credit unions are cooperatives for individuals who often share a work-related connection. The members might work for a university or a government agency. Furthermore, most credit unions are non-profit organizations.  
  
Another way to save is through a money market fund that abbreviated as MMF. This is a kind of mutual fund. Mutual funds invest money from many people. The money is sometimes placed in short-term government securities. MMF, unfortunately, may not be guaranteed by the government like other kinds of savings.
Tran, is this for an English writing class? It reads like a routine writing exercise to me. One of my observations is that you used a slash to create "Therefore" and "Consequently". In formal writing practice, the writer must make that word choice decision for the reader depending upon what it is you want to say. Therefore means " for that reason" and is a synonym for "consequently". Consequently means "as a result". You must decide early on what it is you want to say and how you want to say it. Don't leave that choice up to the readers. You are not writing a "choices" game here.  
  
Your explanations are all familiar to those who follow the investment news. So I had no problem understanding your explanations. I believe that your presentations are simple enough for anyone to understand and take as logical advice or the basis of understanding simple investment practices.  
  
What I did not see in the essay is your personal response to the question. In order for this essay to be effective, you need to offer a response that applies to the question based on your personal best finance practices also. That way, you are coming across not as a writer who merely researched the topic, but as a writer who actually has his own knowledge, experience, and understanding to share with his readers.  
  
This is an acceptable piece of writing though. You did a good job in writing simple sentences that can be easily understood by the reader. There was no stress involved in trying to understand what you wrote. It is a passable piece of written work. Good job!
## funds on public services only instead of the arts?

  
  
**Title: Some people think that governments should only focus their spending on public services, and they claim that spending on arts is a waste of money. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
My work:  
Some people hold the belief that the public money should only be spent on public sectors, such as education and health care, and the money is wasted if it is spent on arts. I completely disagree with this statement and I personally believe it is as important to spend money on arts as on public services.  
  
The first reason why I believe so is that just as public services, the arts industry is directly linked to people' wellbeing. While health care services ensure people's physical fitness, arts, which relax and entertain people, can guarantee people's mental and psychological health. Studies have shown that people are less likely to be involved in mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety if they have a longer contact time with arts. In this regard, the funding on arts is as necessary as that on public services.  
  
More than that, another cogent reason to fund on arts is that the input can create revenues and boost the economy. For example, a remote village in Korea has become a famous tourist spot and attracted millions of tourists a year just because the local authority encouraged the creation on arts, especially on painting, and the whole village has been coated with colorful pictures. The village has thrived due to the spending on arts, and without this practice, it would otherwise stay underprivileged. There are many other cities around the globe have earned fame and fortune through developing arts in local areas, including building majestic museums or holding great concerts. In contrast, the money spent on public services can hardly see any economic outcomes.  
  
In conclusion, I totally disagree with that we should only spend on public services instead of the arts. On the contrary, I personally believe investing public money on arts is as significant as allocating grants on public sectors because it not only ensures people's mental health but also can be profitable and make the local prosperous.  
  
Thank you.
Thank you Catherine for the great ideas you have exhibited in your piece.  
I would make some few corrections in the text according to how I think the essay could sound better.  
  
Where you say: "Studies have shown that people are less likely to be involved in mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety if they have a longer contact time with arts."  
  
I would rather say: "Studies have shown that people are likely to suffer from mental illness such as depression or anxiety if they engage more in arts related activities."  
  
Thank you once again and I wish you all the best
Catherine, there are four ways to approach an extent essay:  
1. I completely agree  
2. I completely disagree  
3. I partially agree  
4. I partially disagree  
  
Based upon your given explanation, the approach you should have taken is "I partially disagree". The reason is that when the term "completely" comes into the extent response, you are not given any room to create a partial comparative or totally comparative opinion discussion. Since your response indicates that you see reason for both sides of the discussion, then your response should have been along the partial stance.  
  
Another error in your discussion is that you gave reason immediately, within the prompt paraphrase for your response. The prompt paraphrase, for all intents and purposes should never house your reasoning for a given discussion as there is not enough room to build your supporting presentation within the 5 sentence maximum paragraph. If done properly, the prompt paraphrase should be 3 sentences long at the most. Composed of :  
  
1. Topic for discussion  
2. Reason for discussion  
3. Discussion instruction (optional)  
4. Response to the thesis statement  
  
You wrote 2 sentences which were composed of run on sentences each time. You will lose points for extremely long sentences that should obviously have been presented as 2 individual sentences instead.  
  
What I do see in your writing is the potential to develop properly presented reasoning paragraphs. Provided you properly represent the response to the given question. That means, you need to familiarize yourself with the discussion instructions and how to respond to these in writing. You should not lack for references and examples at this forum in case you want to learn more about how to write the Task 2 essays. Ample advice is also given based on the errors of the writer from which I am sure you will gain useful writing tips and additional learning.
## Oscar prize for movies in 2003 and 2008

  
  
*Task: The pie charts below show the share of Oscar winners by film genre for 2003 and 20008. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.*  
  
My writing:  
It can be seen from the pie charts the proportions of Oscar winners by genre in 2003 and 2008. There were seven genres mentioned which included: Thriller, Documentary, Romance, Science Fiction, Action, Comedy and Horror.  
  
According two these charts, in both 2003 and 2008, most winners received Oscar prizes for their work in thriller films. However, the proportions of Oscar winners for thriller films in 2003 was quite higher than the one in 2008. In 2003, thriller films accounted for nearly fifty per cent of Oscar winner, the number decreased to about a third in 2008. This meant that there were more winners who won Oscar for projects in other genres in 2008. Action films ranked the second in the top of genres with highest proportions in Oscar winners in 2003 and 2008. Comparing to the data in 2003, in 2008 more films in action genres received Oscar prizes - during the period, the proportion sightly increased from nearly a quarter to nearly a third.  
  
In the both two years, the genre having the least number of Oscar winners was comedy, whose proportion was only less than ten per cent.  
  
There was a quite large decline in the rate of horror genre's Oscar winners from 2003 to 2008, which dropped from about fifteen per cent to about ten per cent. The three other mentioned genres had increased in 2008, in comparison to 2003. They were documentary, science fiction and romance.  
  
To sum up, there was a change in proportion of Oscar winners in the two years 2003 and 2008.  
  
P/S: This is my writing for IELTS Writing Task 1. Hope you can give me some comments and tell me the score I may received. Thank you for any help.  
  
*
Hang, the first problem with this essay is the number of words that you have written. During the actual pen and paper test, you will not have a chance to write 259 words. That is not possible due to the time allotment for this writing task which is 20 minutes. The ideal number of words to write, since this is a short analytical essay is between 150-175 words. Don't spend too much time writing this task as you have a total of only 60 minutes to write both tasks. Task 2 is the one that should be longer and more analyzed.  
  
Do not sacrifice your time for editing the essay in favor of writing more words. More words and a longer essay does not guarantee a passing score. What that guarantees is that you will make more writing mistakes than if you wrote a simple 150 word essay instead.  
  
You are not providing a uniform number of sentences per paragraph. The minimum is 3, the maximum is 5 per paragraph covering 4 paragraphs. Your essay sometimes has between 1-6 sentences in every paragraph. Use the 3-5 sentence format in order to get a better GRA assessment score. This can help boost your overall score when you have scoring problems in other areas of consideration.  
  
The essay itself lacks a trending statement as part of the summary overview. The trending statement takes the place of the conclusion in a task 1 essay. The task 1 essay does not require a conclusion as you have written because there are no opinions being discussed. Instead, a trend based on information comparison is required for the proper analysis of the statement. Rather than saying "To sum up" in the last presentation, you could instead say, "Based on the above information, the trend indicates a change..." The trending statement can be placed anywhere in the presentation anyway so you don't have to place it as part of the summary overview if you don't want to. What is required though, is that a trending statement be presented in some manner or form in the essay.  
  
The report also lacks a comparison of the two pie charts. There is one instance where there was an almost similar number of winners in 2003 and 2008 and that is in the horror category. When the instructions indicate a comparison discussion, that is a clue that there is at least 1 similar data presentation in the essay that you can present. Look for that immediately and take note of it so that you don't forget to include it in the analytical report you will be developing. You also failed to use transitional sentences or phrases from one paragraph to another in order to create a connected discussion presentation.  
  
Considering these problems plus the other errors in your LR and C&C presentations, I believe that the score you can get for this essay is a 4.
## obesity proportion in four age categories

  
  
The line chart compares and contrasts data on the difference in obesity proportion of a country in four age categories from 1971 to 2005.  
Looking at the graph, it is immediately obvious that obesity proportion underwent an upward trend over shown time. Generally speaking, the higher the age is, the easily people get obesity.  
  
Initially, the obesity proportion in 18-29 age group stood steady then sharply increased from 1976 to 1999. Likewise, other groups of age doubled. In 1999, the 18-29 age group continuously increased and peaked at about 25% in 2005.  
  
While the proportions of other groups experienced an increase in 1999-2005, the oldest group slightly declined to over one-third. The 30-44 age group fluctuated because of a decrease in 1999 and a rapid increase in 2001. The 45-64 age group reached a peak in 2005 by about 40% and seemingly had the highest proportion all time compared to other groups in the shown time.  
  
*   
*The table shows the obesity rate in one country over a period of time. Summarise the information by*