dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.**  
  
## independence from a family

  
  
Young members of a society hold different social norms as to when to get independence from their parents. Some youngsters prefer to get independence as soon as they can while others would like to spend more times with their families before their independence. In my opinion, young people who prefer to become self-sufficient quicker will benefit the most and have a better life afterward.  
  
The young individuals who prefer to leave their parents and live on their own will learn how to stand on their feet faster. In order to live alone, they have to pay their own expenses and to do that they obliged to find a job in the first place. Therefore, they get a job as soon as they leave their parents house which makes them independent financially. In addition, these young people need a place to live and since they abandoned their parent's house they will rent an apartment or a condo. Having a job and renting a place shows them as a person who stands on his/her feet without their parents help.  
  
The youngster can have a lot more fun when they live on their own. For example, they can arrange trips that they had not have the chance before like camping in the middle of a jungle for a month. In addition, they have the chance to invite their friends whenever they want. This is not possible while you live in your parent's house. For instance, when my friend rented an apartment on his own, we could work on our project together more often.  
  
Being independent can provide a situation that you can help your family in many ways. For example, when my friend left his parents to live in a foreign country, he could help his father to have a special heart operation abroad. Furthermore, since he has a good financial situation, he can spend more time with his family in a year.  
  
The aforementioned points convinced me that it is much better for youngsters to get independence from their families as soon as they can. In this way, they can learn how to have a life on their own, more fun activities, and oddly enough they might have the chance to help their parents.  
  
[376]
You did a good job to exprss yourself clearly, and the logic of the whole essay even the consructure of the sentence are quite nice.  
  
But first, i think youngsters is not a perfect word to discribe the youth people, if you revise it to the youngest generation would be better.  
  
And you use the "stand on thier feet " twice times in the paragrah 2, maybe self-reliance can be another chioce. Repeat the same words is not a good idea.  
  
The last, the conclusion is not specific enough, such as you write too less point view to connect and suppot your opinin what you mentioned in the first paragragh.
Behzab, your opening paraphrase is alright. The problem, is that your first sentence introduces a discussion fact. Discussion facts should not come in until you begin the actual discussion in the 2nd paragraph. The opening statement must limit itself to simply the presentation of facts from the original prompt in a new manner. If you remove the first paragraph and instead, divide the second sentence into 2 parts, rather than having the run-on sentence that exists at the moment, you would have completed the 3 paragraph minimum requirement for that part of the essay and also gotten a higher TA score in the process.  
  
All of your supporting discussions are alright. However, you should have used the "I am convinced" reference at the start of the 2nd paragraph instead of as part of the concluding statement. The concluding statement is not the place where you can reinforce personal opinions. That is only supposed to summarize the discussion and reiterate your personal opinion at the end. The more appropriate conclusion is:  
  
*Being aware of the aforementioned points, it is easy to understand why living independently is the better choice. I believe that by living away from their parents, young people become more responsible individuals sooner rather than later. That is why I support this opinion with regards to this discussion topic.*
## the appetite for junk food and soft drinks

  
  
Childhood obesity has become a worrying issue in a number of countries, and several reasons have been claimed for that problem. First and foremost, a majority of children now tend to eat more junk food and soft drinks, and this leads to their unfit body. These children, who gradually satisfy their appetite by eating such food as hamburgers or chips, are likely to suffer from bodily - discomfort diseases. Another reason is that there have remained a sedentary lifestyle and insufficient proportion of physical activities among children over the past decade, hence contributing greatly to their obesity problem. Also, some children have consumed too much time to play computer games or use social network applications like Facebook and Zalo, rather than play sports or doing outdoor activities. Those have done more harm to children and made them incapable of coping with an overweight body. For several reasons aforementioned, children should be educated to raise more awareness about health problems associated with obesity on their regular basis.
Childhood obesity has ... -> you can simplify this to "Childhood obesity has become a worrying issue in many nations for several reasons." It's much easier to read and understand and removes unnecessary words.  
  
"a majority of children now," I would use today instead of now and say consume instead of eat, you can't eat soft drinks. Also, soft drinks could be written as drinks high in sugar content. Note that not all unhealthy drinks are sodas or soft drinks.  
  
"and this leads to," --> leading to their unfit bodies. Plural since you stated children which is in plural form.  
  
Remove comma before who and after children.  
  
satisfy their appetite by eating ... --> consuming junk food like hamburgers or chips  
  
bodily - discomfort diseases.This sounds weird to me. Keep it simple, I think health problems is a better word choice.  
  
Another reason = use "second" instead. It resonates with me better.  
  
"Also" should be "lastly" since it is your last reasoning and to me, it begins to conclude this essay and will have a better transition to your last sentence.
Phan, this is a pretty good paragraph presentation. However, it suffers from confusing use of English vocabulary. Terms such as "bodily-discomfort diseases" do not make sense to the reader. It would be best if you explain what you mean by that. If you are just using the equivalent English terms for a native word, then you should not do that. Instead, you should find the more appropriate English version of the word to use. When you confuse the reader, you tend to lose them because they will stop reading what you have written as they dislike having to figure out what a writer is trying to say. You need to be accurate in your word usage. Also, do not refer to country specific information such as Zalo, which is not a popularly known type of social media across the world. The Facebook reference would have been enough to get your point across. The Zalo reference would once again, have left your reader wondering about what you are talking about. When something doesn't make sense to the reader, he will discard the written material, never to finish reading what you have written. If not for these two specific problem points, I would regard this essay as a well written, informative piece.
I recommend using e-prime. It allows your paragraph to have more specific information. Basically, you do not use any form of the verb "to be" (is,was,are,were,be, been, will be)  
  
For example  
  
"Childhood obesity has increased dramatically in many countries, and (observers) have noticed several reasons why the number of obese children continues to grow."  
  
"First and foremost, more and more children consume soft drinks and fast food on a regular basis. Frequently consuming junk food can lead to obesity at a young age, which can cause an earlier onset of health problems related to obesity, such as type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and sleep apnea."  
  
"Studies have also shown that most children live a rather sedentary lifestyle. A possible cause could involve the popularity of social network applications, such as Facebook or Snapchat, instead of encouraging children to exercise and play sports." (I recommend using whatever apps most people use).  
  
" For these reasons aforementioned, children should learn how to raise awareness about health problems associated with obesity so they can help combat the issue."
## elderly people in three countries

  
  
***The graph below shows the proportion of the populatin aged 65 and over between 1940 and 2040 in three different countries.***  
  
The graph provides an overview of the percentages of people whose age is 65 years old or more in 100 years since 1940 to 2040 in three different nations namely Japan, USA, and Sweden. It can be clearly seen that the three lines describe an overall increase throughout the period of time analyzed.  
  
According to the data displayed, the proportion of elderly people (over 65 years) in both, the USA and Sweden, showed a slight increase with low starting points under 10 percent until a final value around 25% 100 years later. It is worthy to point out the fact that the Sweden line showed a series of ups and downs despite its overall tendency to increase. Meanwhile, the USA data illustrated two main tendencies; it showed rising sequences and steady ones alternatively with a final sharp rise from 2020 to 2040.  
  
Turning to the information provided from Japan, this country had the lowest starting point in 1940 of 5% and unlike the other two nations tended to diminish the first 20 years of this period. From 1960 forward, the amount of people over 65 years began to rise gradually until 2030. At this point, the predictions show a fast change in the proportion of 65 years people, increasing around 15% almost instantaneously.  
  
To summarize, the data displayed in the graph describe the past situation with elderly people amount in three nations and the future predictions until the year 2040. In every case, the percentage of 65-years people tended to increase its value.  
  
(253 words in 21.45 minutes)
Dariela,  
You apparently addressed the prompt very well. Although I'm not a native-speaker and can't properly point out grammar mistakes, there are some things to be considered:  
  
1. "The graph provides an overview ..." You should use commas here.  
  
2. "in both, the USA and Sweden," no commas here  
3. "starting point in 1940 of 5%" I guess you were just writing fast, but remember to invert it: "starting point of 5% in 1940"  
  
I'm not sure, but it looks like IELTS. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck on your prompt!
Dariela, when you provide a Task 1 essay for review, you must always include the illustration that you are discussing. I need to have a baseline reference for your statements and that comes with the illustration you are describing. Your opening statement seems to be in order. I cannot tell if there are any missing important elements because of the missing illustration. A word of advice though, you should always aim to write a uniform number of sentences per paragraph in order to meet the best requirements of the C&C scoring section. That means, at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Learn how to divide the information into 3 sentences by avoiding the use of commas and instead, place a period at strategic points in order to signify new, related information. That way, you avoid run on sentences and always stay on the path that could lead to more complex sentence development for an improved GRA score. Good work on placing the trending statement at the end as it serves as a unique closing statement. Bad work in the sense that you lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement for that part. If you had placed the trending sentence along with the overview summary, you would have gotten a better score for it.
*The graph provides an overview...* The graph shows the percentages of people from the United States, Japan, and Sweden aged 65 years or older since 1940, all the way to 2014  
  
(over 65 years) - this isn't needed since we already know that they are 65 years old and older based on your intro.  
  
*It is worthy to point out the fact that the Sweden line ...* Line is an informal term for the purpose of this essay; use projection instead, maybe.
***The advantages of English spreading as a global language will continue overweight the disadvantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
## the global communication tool

  
  
Nowadays, learning English is one of the most popular practices among Young people. Some people hold the opinion that English should be the language every people must speak. With the fast increase of this language use in the world, seems obvious that its benefits overweight the drawbacks. From my perspective, this idea is not completely accurate owing to the consequences this could have for society.  
  
On the positive side, the implement of English as the global language for fields such as business, university studies, research, and science has improved the communication and exchange of information. Scientists from all over the world are publishing their studies and papers in English and thus their research are reaching most people around the globe. Trade transactions among executives from different lands have been empowered by the Shakespeare language settled as the primary language in this sector.  
  
On the other hand, this positioning of English as the number one peaking language these days has significant consequences for several professions. Foreign language professional for instance French, Spanish, Korean or Chinese teachers will become rare as well as foreign language studies will lose relevance in the future, narrowing the variety of university programs. In addition, diversity among countries will be affected by this one-language trend. Non-English-speaker nations will be forced to switch languages and will lose their identity in language matters.  
  
To conclude, despite the fact that English as a global language is constantly increasing due to the advantages of this tendency, the negative side should not be dismiss. An appropriate balance between both sides could be the proper approach to deal with this phenomenon.
I think that you've portrayed the positive side of English very well. However, while discussing the negatives of English I think that it should have been mentioned here that the increasing demand of English in education and other fields, for instance, business and trade, is creating complex among non-English speakers. The non-English speakers, due to this complex, consider themselves inferior infront of those who speak English fluently. This inferiority creates an imbalance among the societies, especially among underdeveloped societies. This overall halts human progress and encourages discrimination on the basis of language. Overall the essay is good.
Dariela, you totally misunderstood the prompt requirement. This is an "emotional" essay response. Note the existence of the word "extent" in the discussion instruction line. That means you must agree or disagree with the essay using any of the following "emotional" connotations: strongly, partially, totally, and any other variation thereof that signifies a measurement of agreement/disagreement. Your opening prompt is also an immediate discussion of the prompt, which, as you should know by now, is not allowed because the opening statement is always used to deliver an example of how well you understood the prompt and its requirements. Therefore, the correct prompt is:  
  
*There is a discussion regarding the proliferation of English as an international form of speech. Worldwide, people believe that English will continue to grow in importance. This is going to continue to prove that its advantages will constantly negate its disadvantages. I partially disagree with this statement due to several reasons.*  
  
Please take note of how my version is more aligned with the original prompt statement when compared to yours. Rather than speaking of the spread of the English language per se, you are discussing the language in a spoken form, spreading across the world. That is not the implication of the original prompt so you should not have slanted your opening statement in that manner.  
  
Your concluding statement is part of the personal opinion discussion. You continue to discuss the prompt in that paragraph so you should have not led in with "To conclude". A conclusion never presents additional discussion points and reasons. It merely wraps up the essay. Your essay has 2 problem points as of now that I tried my best to point out to you and explain how to resolve it. Hopefully, you can apply the corrections to your next practice test. I am eager to read it.
**Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Other believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.**  
  
## competition and cooperation among children

  
  
People have different opinions regarding weather children should be taught to be competitive or cooperative. Although competitiveness can sometimes be profitable in life, but from my perspective trying to cooperate is more prominent.  
  
On one hand, children challenging each other have some valuable benefits. First of all, whilst they strongly contest to achieve a precious end, not only they are unconsciously boosting their growth and aptitude, but also surely find out where their owns failings are. Consequently, this healthful rivalry may generate a persistent and also courageous child who confidently can dare outdoor difficulties. Moreover, being competitive not to mention in children's lessons make outstanding contributions to their encouragement in direction of diligence and so initiative.  
  
On the other hand, sense of humanity and friendship never rises until children gather up and make common cause with each other over the life obstacles. To cite an example, children's friendly interactions on a after-school birthday party would be purposive. Their teamwork in order to buy birthday items, perfectly installing them, laying tables, preparing cake and all other stuffs require for a part together could teach them an important lesson of life. More precisely, if they become united they could win trough all the troubles and attain whatever their desire. Along side this, there are substantial advantages to it, some of which could be advance pace of progress, spread love and kindness, decrease of depression and etc. that worth to be considered.  
  
On the whole, both competitive and cooperative characteristics of children are beneficent, but I believe children work together could derive crucial profits which would be useful in their future life.  
  
(307 words)  
  
Hi guys.  
I hope you're doing ok. Really need your precious opinions regarding my essay. I'll be deeply grateful if you correct and give me an estimated band.  
  
Thanks a lot in advance.
There are few sentence construction which I would like to make:-  
  
1st paragraph:  
~~weather~~  whether   
... from my perspective, trying to ...  
  
3rd paragraph:-  
On the other hand, a  sense of ...  
  
... interactions on ~~a~~  an  after-school ...  
... could be advanced pace of ...  
  
Overall good read, however in the third paragraph, before citing an example, the first statement should be explained better. After making a statement, there should be a supporting explanation followed by an example.  
  
Hope this helps!!!
Ehsan, , since you have a prompt deviation in the essay, I need to score you on a per criteria basis instead of an overall projection. You created a prompt deviation in your opening paragraph and then proceeded to support that deviation in the body of paragraphs, which led to the failing score. You were asked to discuss both points of view prior to giving your opinion. What you did in this essay was discuss only your point of view of the two discussion sides. That meant your essay only partially responded to the prompt requirement. The original requirement was for you to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Therefore, your scores will be as follows:  
  
TA - 4 - due to the prompt deviation that created only a partial response to the prompt. You have an improper prompt representation. The correct presentation is:  
  
There are people who believe that a healthy sense of competition is important to develop in children. While others thing that cooperation is more beneficial because it will create a responsible young person in the future. In this essay, I will discuss these two points of view prior to the discussion of my opinion on the topic in the later part of the essay.  
  
C&C - 6 - you have an engaging presentation that uses relevant and related information. You clearly connected your ideas in each paragraph.  
LR - 6 - Your word usage is impressive as it uses some less common English words and is used in the proper context.  
GRA - 6 - Your sentence structures are higher than average in presentation. However, there are some mistakes in the development that create a little stress for the reader.  
  
I scored your essay on an individual criteria basis and that resulted in a higher score for the other parts of the essay while you failed the TA portion. In the actual test, I am not sure how the examiner will score you based on more intricate scoring considerations per criteria. So my scores should be taken only on an individual basis instead of collectively. Had you not made a mistake in the prompt presentation and actual discussion, I bet you would have gotten an impressive collective score.