dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Please help me check this writing. Thanks for your time.  
  
## IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - CHILDREN DEVELOPMENTS

  
  
**Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.**  
  
*Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
There are many arguments regarding how children would become more beneficial when they are grown up. Some people believe that children should be inspired to compete with each other, while others are of the opinion that co-operation between children. I will discuss both views but personally, I agree that rewards of competition, which include creativity and self-reliance, outweigh the benefits of teaching the co-operation.  
  
There are several reasons why the co-operation among children is beneficial. In such a way that they can share their knowledge, skills and ideas with each other, and as a result, this association may combine these features and create advanced ideas. For example, when I was a child, my science tutor assigned different groups of four students to do project regarding potential inventions. That group work provided us to improve various ideas that could be done at that time. In fact, co-operation can encourage the children to improve distinct ideas by means of team work.  
  
Despite aforementioned benefits, there is also a case for advocating the competition between children. The argument to support this is the fact that children can be more creative under competitive and challenging study environment. Moreover, children can become independent and rely on themselves. For instance, I also had an individual project in my science lesson, and students were presenting their progress in the project every week. As I saw the others' project, I realized that I had to do more creative project to get higher mark.  
  
In conclusion, I would argue that children development should be in the competitive environment because this generates more inventive ideas and makes children self-reliant. I recommend that ministry of national education should revise the school curriculum by means of increasing competitive activities.
@bgulcen  
try to avoid the expression like benefits outweigh disadvantages for this type of essay in the introduction and don't state any point in introduction as well as in conclusion which you won't explain, like the word self-reliance,, you didn't develop it in the body paragraph but you stated in both intro and conclusion.  
  
please avoid giving two personal example while explaining your ideas rather provide some general instances.  
  
do not use the same words in conclusion as in introduction, your conclusion fails to summerise the essay rather replicates the intro. you may use one complex sentence in presenting the crux, like although.... ,...
Hi there,  
I think your essay is pretty good at grammar and arguments. However, I have some opinion about your essay, I hope it helps.  
  
1/ The content of the essay  
  
I think your introduction is slightly off-topic because it confuses me. Your idea and argument appear to answer for the "advantages outweigh disadvantages" type, while this topic requires you to discuss both views and give your opinion.  
  
You don't mention any particular benefits regarding the two point of views, so it affects the connection between the three paragraphs (introduction, paragraph 1 and 2)  
  
Your topic sentence in the body paragraphs is a bit too general even though you can explain them in the second sentence. And they convey too many ideas that can't be fully developed in the entire paragraph.  
  
I don't think you should use a personal example in academic writing.  
  
Your conclusion doesn't summarize the whole body paragraph as you omitted 1 view (children co-operation).  
  
2/ Grammar  
The main errors in your essay are related to articles. I'll point out some mistakes:  
  
- ....reasons why ~~the~~ co-operation among children.... => **The** is unnecessary in this sentence because you're talking about a very general topic, and "co-operation" is an uncountable noun.  
  
- ....four students to do **a** project....  
- ....encourage ~~the~~ children to ...  
-...... Despite **the** aforementioned benefits..... => This is specific because you've already talked about it in the previous paragraph, so we need "the" here.  
- .....under **a** competitive and challenging ...  
There are still some more, you might want to check it yourself.  
  
-...... of ~~team work~~... => **teamwork**
## advantages and disadvantages of Bowen Island

  
  
The two pie charts given provides evaluation of visitors who come to Bowen Island in terms of their satisfaction and disatisfation about common features of this islands.It is clear that according to visitors' opinions there are as many disadvatages as advantages.  
  
With regard to negative feedbacks, high cost of living is by far the most prominent factor that is considered as disadvantage by half of the tourists. Meanwhile, a quarter of people coming to this island for tourism are not much keen on entertainment service. The remaining 25% show criticism on weather (15%) and "food quality" (10%).  
  
As for positive features visitors are really fond of the local with more than 40% of good feedbacks. This is followed by the scenery with satisfaction from 35% of tourists. Good accomodation and culture are the least common advantages with just over one tenth of tourists (for each factor) saying they are satisfied.  
  
It is also interesting to note that although the cost of living is expensive, most of the visitors give good mark to inherent beauties of this island such as culture, people, unspoilt nature rather than foods and entertainment.  
  
*
@vuthaihoa74  
Hello. Welcome to the forum! I hope that you gather something useful from this feedback.  
  
Be cautious firstly of the punctuation marks. From the get-go, that first paragraph needs to have more divisiveness of content by incorporating more marks. Remember that the punctuation should be placed wherever a pause is necessary. Knowing when to use these marks will definitely help improve the overall flow of your writing.  
  
Furthermore, transitions should be improved. Notice how there's a lack of cohesiveness with the second and third paragraph's respective first introductions. If you may, try to stick with more traditional patterns of transition. Words such as *moreover* and *furthermore* should be used with full knowledge of what these mean.
@vuthaihoa74  
Hi, there. I would like to give you some writing feedback.😁😁  
  
1.the two pie charts "provide" (or show)---- Don't put 2 verb at the same time. Choose either of them.  
  
2.your second part of your writing should be "overall", it is better not to put number in this part. If you want to tell detail about the chart, please illustrate detail in your third paragraph.  
  
3. In paragraph 4, it is better to compare what is the difference between 2 charts and write down the relevant points related to each charts. In this paragraph, it is better to write down the specific number to compare. (Ex: ...such as culture(12%), people(42%),unspoilt nature(35%) rather than foods(10%) and entertainment(25%)  
  
But here is a small bug, actually entertainment is a disadvantage and the percentage is higher than culture. So if you really want to compare, it would be better to omit either culture nor entertainment to make your writing task 1 meet a correct statistic.  
  
Hope it would help.😁
@vuthaihoa74  
  
Hi, there. Hope this finds you well.😁😁  
Thank you for your feedback.  
I think cause every person learn from different textbook so that we can share our different writing structures and ideas here.  
What I learned from Task 1 writing structure is ::  
  
Paragraph 1. Introduction. ( Paraphrase )  
Paragraph 2. Overall (provide major trends and general information,never write numbers,percentage or dates here)  
Paragraph 3. Features ( with specific numbers)  
Paragraph 4. Features or comparison (with specific numbers)  
  
You can take it as a reference and hope it would help your future writing. 😁😁
***Most major cities around the world continue to grow at a phenomenal rate due to the massive increase in population. This has led to a general decline in the quality of life in city area as the environment becomes more crowded and polluted.***  
  
## Give some reasons why this growth has occurred and suggest some practical solutions to this problem.

  
  
Nowadays, a rate of the majority main cities around the world increases dramatically because of the huge population. This has caused a significant reduction in the quality of life in urban areas. For example, the environment becomes over-populated, and many pollutions have occurred. The following will illustrate the factors of over-populated and how can it be solved.  
  
First of all, the opportunity of employment might be one of the factors. A study shown that organizations tend to set their company in a big city, which can easily earn money and build reputation. Hence, they would like to offer more job opportunities in cities more than in the country areas. This definitely causes many people move to the city. Another reason is the educational resource. Take me as a real example, I had studied in two different universities because my parents changed their working places. One is in the countryside, which is lack of teacher resource, I even did not need to attend most of the courses due to there was no teacher to teach that course. Once I moved to the capital of my country, I started to realize that why people desperately want to move to the city to acquire better educational resources. Good quality of teaching resources, professional examination system, those definitely trigger more and more citizens to move to the city.  
  
Secondly, the best and the most appropriate solution to solve over-populated issue is that the government should balance the employment and educational differentiation between urban and rural areas. By doing this, it might equal the chance of employment, people would like to stay and find an occupation in their hometown, which leads to reduce the over-populated and pollution in the city area. Furthermore, if the government would like to assign some good teachers to rural area and provide affluent salary, this would be another proper way to persuade citizens not to move to the city.  
  
To sum up, the factors of overpopulation in the city and how to solve them are always a popular issue to discuss. I would like to restate that the imbalance of employment opportunity and educational resources are the main factors of it. However, I strongly believe that these two factors can be solved by the government well-arranged resource management between city and country.
@roswita116  
Hi. Thanks for consistently being in the forum. I hope that this feedback helps you!  
  
I appreciate the approach you had implemented in writing the first paragraph. This portion was compact, and yet it gave a great idea to the readers on what to anticipate.  
  
I think that what you can do to improve the body paragraphs would be to focus on prioritizing information. This paragraph was packed with unnecessary details that may be inessential in the long-run. In this part, it is noticeable how you had integrated quite repetitive thought processes, making your writing appear to be rather flimsy. Try to focus more on what precisely they should anticipate in your messages.  
  
Furthermore, the third paragraph also needs to be treated with the same regard. However, on top of it, I recommend trying to substantiate here with more concrete data to help your readers understand the grounded nature of your arguments.  
  
Best of luck.
**prompt**:  
## people spend too much time on personal enjoyment

  
***- they do what they like to do rather than doing things they should do.***  
  
From the time being, this talk is of the great debate because spending time on personal enjoyment may include various things which I guess everybody will have to do. For instance, going out with the kids or with the family. These are the things which include personal enjoyment but, every person should do it. Moreover, I do believe that people spend too much time on leisure activities. They do because, they have access to internet, television and many more, which could waste their crucial time. I do believe because of the following reasons.  
  
First, a person who travels a lot and go to concerts, watching movies in theatres could waste their precious time. Nowadays, competition is strong in each and every sector, and instead of thinking about their great future they waste their time on unimportant activities. For example, my nephew, who lives with me from the past ten years. He used to go to school every day on time. He was a big fan of a football team FC Barcelona and started watching every game of theirs. So, he wasted his time and got lower marks in the college. That's why he is facing a difficulty in taking an admission in university.  
  
Second, the internet access and technology have made people to waste their time watching everything online and play games. Instead, to do a research on important topic they waste their time on watching movies and series on a various online portal available. For instance, my nephew besides watching football started watching films and drama series on a popular online website Netflix, he was addicted to it and doesn't slept on time as a result he can't wake up early in the morning to go to his college hence, losing all the important lectures.  
  
To conclude, I would say that people should concentrate to achieve their goals rather wasting their time on extracurricular activities. These activities are so devastating that a person will have to bear long term consequences.
@salmanhaleemi  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, my feedback will give you an idea on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to approach us again should you have additional details/information that you want to share!  
  
While I appreciate the approach to writing in the first paragraph, I find that you have a tendency to over stretch the content. For example, you create separate sentences to seemingly lengthen your composition. What I would prefer is that you merge sentences that have the same core thoughts with them. The first paragraph is a clear-cut example of this. You should merge the first two sentences, afterwards the third to the fifth ones. If you are able to do this, it will make your wording and structure a lot more concise (hence, more professional).  
  
The latter parts of the text should be treated with the same regard. The second paragraph needs to be integrated and treated with the same regard, especially because you are working with a more substantive written work.  
  
To balance everything out, the conclusion should not be left hanging just like what you have done. Make it into a concrete paragraph instead of a seemingly rushed one.
@colleengeraghty  
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! Hopefully, my feedback will be helpful for your writing endeavors. If it is, don't hesitate to approach us for additional input on your writing. We're always happy to give out assistance!  
  
The introduction of that first paragraph needs to be more substantive. Remember that, from the get-go, the first sentence should be a briefing on what the readers will anticipate in the latter parts of the text. Something that is more symbolical, so to speak, will fit into this portfolio. You need to establish a goal in mind prior to writing everything down, especially because this is how you'll be able to transition better into the core substance of your essay.  
  
In your third to the last paragraph, it can be clearly seen that you failed to integrate the sourcing/referencing material in a more strategic manner. Using it twice consecutively will not give you anything beneficial, especially because it may just appear to be repetitive without having a substantive approach to the written text.  
  
Remember that formality is essential when writing. Always double check the technical viewpoints of writing: the transitions, capitalization, usage of references, etc. These are all very important to the composition's standardization.
*Creative artists should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music or film) in whichever way they wish. There should he no government restrictions on what they do.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?*  
  
## no-restrictions environment for artists

  
  
An none-restriction environment could be the Garden of Eden for some genius artists, where they will compose more masterpieces. Although art industry may make progress without the government regulations, I do not agree with the idea of stopping regulating these artists.  
  
The creative artists can express whatever they want through their works without the government rules. Artists can be hard to make breakthroughs with the restrictions, because some of their ideas are actually out of the regulations. For example, enormous milestone works of art were produced in the Renaissance, when the restrictions were especially the least in the history.  
  
However, the works of art could not be socially acceptable without the restrictions from the government. Usually, the government use restrictions to keep the artists in the bounds boundaries, like no drugs, no porn, etc. These artists may produce some work which is just the experiments of the new art forms, and the general public may not accept them and even resist them, which will cause disastrous impacts on the artists.  
  
In addition, social unrest may be caused if the government doesn't restrict the creative artists. For example, some of them might receive or observe the social injustice in the past, and they could express their anger through their works, which will evoke public sympathy or resentment towards the particular class of people or even the society, and as the consequence, social chaos will be inevitable.  
  
In conclusion, I would agree that the government should not impose no restrictions on creative artists, although it can be the impetus for their ingenuities. No-restriction environment can have adverse impacts both on the society and the artists themselves.  
  
(273 words)
@ChrisChen  
your introduction could have been more structured. You need to focus on two requirements of a good introduction: 1. Paraphrasing the statement and 2. state your opinion. I would have written the introduction as follows: It is often thought that liberty ought to be provided to the creative craftsmen in order to allow them to express their thoughts on various fields such as art and entertainment by using any means they want without having any government limitations. However, I completely disagree with this statement and I believe that artists should function under some regulations as they need to be monitored to prevent unrest in society and to ensure safe cultural content for children.
**Question: The table below shows the results of a 20-year study into why adults in the UK attend arts events.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
## participating in arts events in the uk

  
  
My writing:  
The table given illustrates the finding of a study from 20 years ago until present which helps to explains why UK adults participate in arts events. It is clear from the infoformation provided that the most popular reason among these is the enthusiasm to see celebrities' appearance.  
  
In detail, 20 years ago, 58% of the study's subjects said that they attended arts shows because they would like to see famous performers and artists. This figure, then, has almost remained unchanged by the end of the research with the percentage being around 55%. By contrast, going arts events for work and business is the least popular among these. At the beginning of the study, only 6 percent of UK adults attented art events because of this reason. The next 20 years have witnessed a considerable increase with the proportion going up to 10 percent at the time of 10 years ago and 11 percent by now.  
  
In addition, UK adults also go to arts shows to watch their children. Suprisingly, this reason has become much more common, Being just under 10 percent and 15 percent at the time of 20 years ago and 10 years ago respectively, the number of UK adults accompanying their children make up 24% of the total by today. Finally, people take part in art events if they are special occasions or celebrations. 20 years ago, it was relatively common with over a quarter of respondants mentioning this reason, but it has decreased steadily and drmatically by two thirds to just 9 percent by today, making it the least popular, even behind the reason of "work and busniess" at the end of the study.  
  
*
I will be commenting your first paragraph in detail and provide a brief comment for your second and third so you can try to work on them yourself. Please let me know if you have any questions.  
  
The ~~table given~~ given table illustrates the finding ~~of~~ from ~~a study ... until present~~ a study for the past 20 years ~~which helps to explains why~~ to explain the reasons UK adults participate in ~~arts~~ art events.  
  
Better: The table shows reasons for people in the UK attending art events through four categories during the past 20 years.  
  
It is clear from the ~~information provided~~ provided information that the most popular reason among these is ~~the enthusiasm~~ to see ~~celebrities' appearance~~ a specific performer or artist.  
  
Better: Though it is good to point out the obvious, it is better to just list out the categories. After all, your purpose is to describe the table: "These reasons include the desire to see a specific performer or artist, accompanying children, special occasion or celebration, and work or business."  
  
In your second and third paragraphs, you did OK by describing each category in detail. However, your description is unnecessarily wordy, which makes your essay exceed 150 words. You can shorten it up by just a simple description such as: "Majority of adult participating in the events are due to the desire to see a specific performers or artist. These percentages have not changed much for the past 20 years, which were around 55% to 58%."  
  
There are also a few misspelling words such as attended, surprisingly, respondents, dramatically, business.  
  
Good luck.