dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
It is highly unfortunate that you did not meet the minimum 250 word count for the essay. Having written only 231 words means that you are still facing a steep percentage deduction due to your incomplete word presentation. While 250 is the minimum requirement, you should aim to produce at least 275-290 words, just to make sure that you not only meet the word count, but that you were able to write well enough to be considered for the highest possible band score based on your written presentation. That said, there are some sections for improvement in your work.  
  
Since this is an extent essay, you should be writing this from an emotional standpoint. That means, you cannot simply say that the government involvement is not necessary. Rather, you must offer a measure of your disagreement with the given topic. One example of a measured response would be; "I greatly disagree with this point of view for 2 specific reasons." You may opt to outline the reasons in the opening paraphrase + statement response if your presentation has not met the 3-5 sentence requirement yet. The first 2 sentences should be the paraphrase, the last 3, the direct response and reasons (if possible). While you can include the reasoning outline to help show how the discussion presentation in the paragraphs will be presented, it is not a requirement. You may opt to use the reasons as topic sentences marking the first sentence in the reasoning paragraph instead.  
  
Having reviewed your discussion paragraphs, I have spotted 2 errors in your discussion presentation:  
1. Your paragraphs are under discussed and lacks supporting examples and additional discussions to make it clearer to the reader and add to the coherence of the paragraphs.  
  
2. Your reasoning paragraphs run counter to your original intention, which is to prove that the government should not support artists. You cannot give one answer in the response and then totally change your mind in the discussion portion. The examiner will view this essay as confusing and without a real opinion. He will not be able to give this essay a passing score in the TA section if it is clear that you are not capable of properly supporting your single point of view opinion.  
  
Remember that unless specifically ask to compare and contrast or discuss the A/D of a given topic, all IELTS Task 2 essays are single opinion essays as you are scored heavily on the clarity of your opinion and ability to explain why you have that particular opinion in mind. Suddenly changing your discussion pattern and opinion in the presentation will never be good for your final score.  
  
Now, I will stop reviewing your work at this point for 2 reasons:  
1. The lack of word count  
2. The improper discussion format  
  
If you post another essay that meets the word count and is properly formatted, I will definitely give you a more comprehensive review of your work.
## how the energy is used for different purposes

  
  
The charts provided indicate the amount of energy is used in certain household purposes and the waste fume is emitted from each activity.  
Overall, a high range of energy is spent on rising temperature, as a result, the CO2 came from this sector accounts for the highest percentage as well.  
  
According to the first chart, the figure for heating ranks the first position with 42%, far exceeding the amount of energy consumed for cooling and lighting purposes, which are at the 2% and 6% mark respectively. When it comes to water heating, 30% of the total household energy is used for this activity, which is twice as much as the other appliances percentage. The remaining power, accounting for 7%, is consumed for frozen.  
  
As for the other chart, water heating is clearly noticed as the household activity releasing the highest level of carbon dioxide, amounting to 32%. Coming behind is other appliances with the figure of 28%. Meanwhile, there is no significant difference between the percentage of CO2 emitted by heating and refrigeration, ranging from 14% to 15%. The amount of gas released from cooling and lighting take the last positions at the 3% and 8% level respectively.  
  
*
There is a lack of clarity in your summary overview. You must be specific about having 2 charts presented and what each chart represents. You cannot simply say there are charts. The examiner would like to know how well you know your images. So be specific, mention the type of chart. In this case;  
  
*There are 2 pie charts that represent Australian household energy use and Australian household greenhouse gas emissions. The trend for The energy chart indicates... The second chart, pertaining to... shows specific information about... Measurements for both charts are indicated in percentages. Each chart will be compared to one another in terms of information in this report.*  
  
Try to work on building your vocabulary and increasing your understanding of English words. Froze is not the same as cooling. Other references to cooling, that have the same meaning are: refrigration, air conditioning or air cooling, as indicated by household use. Avoid using English colloquialisms that you are not familiar with such as; "coming behind". The correct term is "coming from behind". Do not use a 3rd person present indicative such as "is" when you should be using the present indicative plural "are" in the presentation. This error is seen in "Coming behind is other appliances".  
  
There are several other sentence problems in this essay but I cannot show you how to correct these errors without rewriting the whole essay. So let me just leave you with this instruction, work on building your vocabulary, review your grammar rules, and keep practicing sentence formation. You have room to improve, I can see that you have the potential to pass the test. However, we need to have you work on improving your basics first.
Hello! Here is my task for Writing Task 1, Test 2, Cam 7. I am aiming for band 8 writing, can you tell me if I can achieve it, if not what can I do to improve my writing skills. Thank you so much that you guy spend time reading my thread!  
  
## The consumption of fish and meat

  
  
Task  
The line graph compares the amount of four different types of food consumed by people in a Europian country from 1979 to 2004.  
Overall, the expenditure on beef, lamb and fish in this county experienced different decreases over the period of 25 years, while the figure for chicken increased despite fluctuation.  
  
It can be seen from the graph that in 1979 the amount of beef consumed per capita was about 220 grams on a weekly basis, which was the highest of four types. The figures for chicken and lamb were lower, at just around 150 grams for each, while fish accounted for the lowest number with only about 60 grams consumed weekly.  
  
The following decade witnessed the fluctuation of the weekly consumption of beef, also the rapid increase in the figure for chicken, and the year 1989 marks the point at which expenditure on chicken overtook that for beef. From 1989, the weekly consumption of chicken kept on rising, which was about 250 grams in 2004, while the figure for beef dropped to just around 100 grams. Over the 25-year period, the amount of lamb and fish gradually decreased, which were about 60 grams and 50 grams respectively in 2004.  
  
*
You should try to stay within the 175-190 word count. Writing any more than that number opens your report up to various types of errors. Writing 200 words or more should be reserved for the Task 2 essay. You only have 20 minutes for the task 1 report so you should break down your work time into the following:  
  
10 minutes to review, outline, and breakdown the notable parts of the report.  
5 minutes to write the draft  
5 minutes to review, edit, and finalize the draft before you submit the report for grading  
  
Your summary overview has missed out on 2 key elements of this presentation:  
- The measurement type (grams per person per week)  
- The title of the graph restated in your own words  
  
Good work on the creative outlining of the types of meat compared in the graph. Excellent trending presentation. Still, you have room for improvement based on the items you missed in the summary overview.  
  
You should always use a comma when enumerating related content such as beef, lamb, and fish. The comma adds a pause that allows the reader to better understand what you are saying. The pause is required is when reading a sentence that may otherwise be too long or bordering on a run-on.  
  
You need not say "It can be seen in the graph". Always assume the reader does not have a copy of the graph and will be reliant on the clarity of your presentation. So no words that will make the reader uncertain about what you are saying. Simply start from the information from 1979 and move forward from there. You have presented several run-on sentences in this discussion, specifically in the second and third paragraphs. When you discussed the information for fish in the second paragraph, that should have been presented in a separate sentence since that is not meat product and does not relate to the first presentation.  
  
The same issues continued to persist in the 3rd paragraph, which made the presentation difficult to follow. Beef must be separated from chicken because, although both meat products, they were measured separated in the graph. Additionally, you missed out on the comparison presentation of overlapping information between beef and lamb, beef and chicken. These 2 overlapping points are part of the "make comparisons where relevant" discussion instruction of the original prompt.  
  
Based on these errors, you should try to aim for a 5 band score first because you failed to achieve that this time. While it is admirable that you have such high hopes for your writing, you should build that dream score gradually. That 8 band score cannot be achieved overnight. You have to work on your writing skills, hone you vocabulary, and perfect your sentence structures and punctuation mark usage to near perfection before you can achieve that kind of score.
## countries' electrical usage and supply in 2014

  
  
**The bar chart below shows the top ten countries for the production and consumption of electricity in 2014.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons were relevant.**  
  
The bar chart gives information about top ten countries' electrical usage and supply in 2014. It is clear that China was the largest production and consumption of electricity while Korea Republic was the least among all. All countries except Germany had their electrical energy production more than consumption in billion kWh.  
  
From the chart, we can see that China took the leading role in electrical industry, with 5398 billion kWh production and 5322 billion kWh consumption. Ranking next was the Unites states, its energy supply and usage were around 1000 billion kWh less than China's, they were 4099 billion kWh and 3866 billion kWh, respectively. Russia was the third major electrical energy production and consumption country, however, both categories were about one in five when compared to China's.  
  
Following the rank, the countries after Russia were Japan, India, Canada, France and Brazil, these countries' electricity supply production were all approximately 100 billion kWh more than their electricity usage. Interestingly, Germany, which positioned after Brazil, was the only country that its electricity consumption was 526.6 billion kWh, outweighed supply of electricity by 64.1 billion kWh. Finally, Korea Republic was the least active country in electrical industry, for its electrical supply and usage were 485.1 billion kWh and 449.5 billion kWh.  
  
*
The word countries signifies the plural form of "country" so there is no need to use an apostrophe after the S. You are indicating the plural form of the word, not ownership or anything else. You should have indicated the complete measurement indicators presented in the graph. You forgot to indicate the consumption requirement for the measurements. Always double check the information. Make sure you did not miss any important indicators in the summary overview.  
  
Your second and third paragraphs are run-ons. There should have been a period separating some of the sentence thoughts. You clearly have individual sentence topics which you did not properly divide and present in the paragraph. Never combine several thoughts in one sentence. It creates confusion in your presentation and removes the ability of the reader to clearly understand your presentation. Do not be afraid to separate your thoughts into full stops. That is the best way to keep the paragraph clear and coherent. If you must, combine no more than 2 related topics in one sentence. Do not use too many words though otherwise that connected presentation will turn into a run on. Use only one comma to connect the thoughts and topics.  
  
Your grammar still needs work. Try to complete some sentence development exercises alongside your essay writing practice tests. That way you can familiarize yourself with proper sentence structures and vocabulary usage. Both of which will help you a great deal in the development of your Task 1 writing skills. Don't get me wrong, your presentation is understandable. However the sentence structure problems will lead to a low GRA score and your imperfect vocabulary usage will result in lowered LR scores are well.
Hi everyone! Please help me to improve this essay!  
In this writing, I followed the 4-paragraph format: 1 Intro + 1 Overview + 2 Body  
Can anyone please estimate the band score and also possibly provide some phrases that I can use to improve the writing?  
  
Thank you.  
  
## occupation rates of men and women

  
  
**The graph below shows the employment rate of each gender in four different countries in 2002.**  
*Word Count: 202*  
  
The bar graph gives information about the occupation rates of men and women in 4 countries - South Africa, Chile, Finland, and Norway. The statistics dated in 2002. Units were measured in percentages.  
  
Overall, all numbers of men workers were more than of women. Norway had the biggest combined workforce. Also, in Finland and Norway, the gender gaps were minimal. In contrast were the other two countries; the differences in employment rates between the genders were much greater, whereas the greatest occurred in Chile.  
  
Looking at Norway, this country had the highest employment figures among all countries, reaching high 70% to 80% for both men and women. Having a similar pattern, the ratio of Finland workers of men to women were relatively evenly distributed (just under 70% and around 65% respectively). Both countries had the gender gap differences well under 10%.  
  
Chile's gender balance was the most disproportioned. The number of Chilean men employed were as high as in Finland (just under 70%); however, women workers in this country were only half as much. Coming to South Africa, only 50% of all the men had occupations, which was the lowest statistic for male worker, and less than 40% of the women were employed.  
  
*
As you have indicated that you are using a format specific to 2 other competitor websites, you must have your essay checked there instead of here at EF. I teach the students based on my own method, which has proven highly successful for the exam takers at this forum. I will also be refraining from giving you advice as a contributor since you will not be able to learn how to write properly due to the number of teachers you are using. You will only end up confusing yourself if you try to combine all the formats being taught. You will end up frustrated and unable to decide on a proper essay writing approach. I dislike confusing any student so I will not be a party to your confusion from this point on.  
  
You should only have one teacher so that you can develop a proper writing style. I will remove myself from that equation. However, you are welcome to keep posting at this forum so you can receive comments from other student users. It is only because you are asking me to review and scoring your work based on other people's teaching styles that I cannot be of help to you. You should approach those teachers for scoring and advice instead.
I teach the students based on my own method, which has proven highly successful for the exam takers at this forum.  
Dear @Holt, I'm deeply sorry for saying what I should have not. It's my fault that I was not determined in choosing a writing style. From now on, I wish to follow your style and of the students here. Thank you so much for all the valued comments you gave to me, and I sincerely wish to continue receiving your advice in further posts.  
  
Best regards,  
jhhh11
Hi, I was instructed by the powers that be at this forum to give you a free second advice because of your kind words and decision. So, here I am, reviewing your work again. I won't delve into the paragraph stuff anymore as I have already pointed that out to you. I'll focus on something else instead for your review.  
  
Let me explain to you why the 3 paragraph format works better. It all relates to the conciseness and coherence of your paragraph. In the overview, the information should create an imaginable picture of the chart. So, when you indicate the summarized representation of the information, the reader ends the paragraph knowing how the data report is going to be presented. The trending statement should only be presented to indicate the most obvious information in the chart that will not fit anywhere else in the presentation. That is because the trend is not as analyzed in content as the remaining 2 paragraphs. In this presentation, the clear trending statement is:  
  
*Overall, all numbers of men workers were more than of women with Finland and Norway having the least gender gaps.*  
  
That last sentence works as the transition from paragraph 1 to paragraph 2. The next paragraph should start with a topic sentence that leads into an informative data presentation. So the topic sentence, which will connect paragraph 1 and 2 is:  
  
*Norway had the biggest combined workforce*  
  
Then all of the information regarding Norway digits should have been included in that paragraph. That will create a clear information presentation and a coherent paragraph as the information is connected to one another, leading into the next discussion topic. It shows a proper analytical presentation that indicates figures that can be turned into a mental picture, this allowing the reader a better understanding of the data presented.  
  
I am really uncomfortable with you writing more than 190 words. Mostly because you have a good analytical skill, but your presentation needs work. More editing to create a cohesive presentation, more grammar review so you can spot the simple grammar errors. You need at least 5 minutes to try to perfect your presentation. Writing over 200 words could prevent you from doing that within 20 minutes.
## Technological Influence in everyone's life

  
  
technological devices such as cell phones, tablets have developed sharply for the past few years. Some people say that young people have various benefits from them. However, others argue that they also have detrimental effects on young generations. Discuss.  
  
In the modern world, the use of technology, such as cell phones or tablets, has been rapidly increasing. It has played an impactful role in everyone's life, especially the young. While a sizeable percentage of people hold the view that those modern devices bring numerous benefits to youthes, others point out that young generations are getting into several troubles due to their adverse effects. In my view, both sides of argument are reasonable as each has its own attractive reasons.  
  
On the one hand, it is obvious that technological devices have provided several utilities for the young . In the first place, they are sources of abudant information in which any kind of information on any topic can be found quickly and simply. Therefore, studying is no longer difficult as news is constantly updated and there are enormous useful documents and free books. Next, smart devices have helped bring the world closer through social network . It is convenient and cheap to make new friends, have long-distance talking or find old acquaintances. Moreover, with several services of modern technology, young people can do anything easier such as booking flight, seeking jobs or shopping online everywhere thank to their portability. Especially, they help everyone relax through applications of videos,books,music,etc.  
  
On the other hand, we cannot deny that numerous serious consequences have been caused as a result of sharply technology development . First and foremost, the regulary using of smart devices has made numerous teenagers become addicted. They spend their whole time on them and get serious health problems like obesity or having short-sighted eyes. Secondly, the information from these devices is not always right and suitable for toung people. This can lead to wrong mental life and activities , which is very dangerous to their future. For example, over 100 Russian teenagers were died in 2016 as they joined the a risky challenge they saw on their devices called Blue Whale. In addition, there are a large number of bad applications which can leak private information or scam money. The personal life is also difficult to be projected as bad people can post any right or wrong news to social network and internet.  
  
In conclusion, althogh technological devices have several disadvantages, as long as there are parental supervision and teenagers'cafulness, it is safe to use them as their wonderful benefits.