dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi, can anyone help me by read and give advices on how I write this one? I'm not a good writer so I'm having a hard time completing the essays. It would be a huge thanks if I could get advices on this, to decrease my anxiety! Much love to you!  
  
**Please share how you believe your experiences, perspectives, and/or talents have shaped your ability to contribute to and enrich the learning environment at UT Austin, both in and out of the classroom.**  
  
## to welcome and acknowledge the difference - LGBTQ+

  
  
Along with the development of society in general, the LGBTQ+ community is becoming more open, yet the majority of them are still facing unwelcomeness and emotional neglect from their family. My cousin and I have been best friends since 3 years old. At secondary school, I noticed sudden changes in her appearance and personalities: she cut off her hair, threw away dresses and skirts, and preferred soccer over dolls. Unfortunately, her parents responded harshly to these changes, family arguments arose more frequently, discriminated looks and sarcastic comments marked the fall of her life with cycles of depression, anxiety, and insecurity. Even though at that time, I had little knowledge about sexual orientation, I was always there with her through the traumatic period. After sufficient time, I attempted to resolve the conflicts by providing her parents with information about LGBTQ+: homosexuality is just another sexual orientation, they are just as important as the majority. Each person is born as an individual who acquires their freedom to be themselves and to choose the gender they desire. After all, parents love their child above anything, he realizes that his love, acceptance and sharing are the support that his daughter needs to courageously live the life she dreams of. I was bursting with joy seeing them being able to bring happiness and reassurance to each other. Without a doubt, I wish to be a part of the Gender and Sexuality Center at UT Austin University to spread these knowledge and positive attitudes about LGBTQ+. In particular, organizing and participating in advocated student group affiliates, such as Austin Bisexual Collective, will give me a chance to encourage our society to open our arms in order to welcome and acknowledge the difference of the community as a diversity of life. I have been striving to break the barriers, create an inclusive and safe environment by communicating through social media by means of art - illustrations and letterings. More than that, UT is where people from different backgrounds with different ideas come together to create a dynamic and thought-provoking environment. I believe that this is where I can make an impact and diversify the society as I grow with my passion.
You did very weel in the background section and the outside the classroom discussion. Your essay is missing the "in-classroom" presentation. Try to divide this into a 3 paragraph essay to balance out the presentation. That means you should format it in a manner similar to this:  
  
1st: Background  
2nd: Social setting  
3rd: Relate the social to a classroom setting. Maybe discuss some gender studies classes you hope to study as electives, if it does not relate to your chosen major.  
  
Don't lose sight of what the essay is truly asking for. Your active participation in both the social and academic scene based on a subject of personal interest to you. This is a timely topic and you have given a good presentation. It is just missing one element and that has forced the overall revision of the presentation so as to connect all 3 representations into an interrelated discussion.
***Task :Some people say job satisfaction is more important than job security, others think people cannot always enjoy their jobs. So having a permanent job is more important.  
  
## Discuss both views and give your own opinion*.**  
  
My answer:  
  
Job satisfaction versus job security, which one is more important? Obviously, different people have different preferences and there is no standard answer for it. I will discuss the common features of the two groups in three aspects.  
  
Firstly, it is the age. People who think enjoying themselves during work is quite important tend to be younger at age, while the other group might be more middle aged or older. Young people just enter into society within a short period and they feel less pressure during work. For them, an interesting job and relaxing working place would be their priority when choosing a job. However, older people have more responsibilities to take, which means more costs and expenses for their daily life. For example, they might have a monthly mortgage, car insurance, and fixed education expenses for their child. They just can't burden losing a job when they have so many payables.  
  
Secondly, it is the attitude of life. People who always have a positive attitude to their life are usually more confident for their choices they have made. They are not afraid of losing a job or being at a gap until they find a job they really like and enjoy. People, who are on the contrary, are usually cautious to their decisions. For example, they can't make themselves 1oo% guaranteed that by quitting from a not-so-pleasant job, the next job offer would be more acceptable or enjoyable. Considering the current job is permanent and they don't need to care for losing it, they will persuade themselves to just take it.  
  
Although each side has its benefits, I would rather always choose a job that I really like. I used to work at a real estate consultancy company as an analyst, which was also pretty suitable for my major in finance and business. I was feeling this job was a decent one and I would take it as the first step of my career development. However, I didn't feel happy during the job, because I just don't like reports, data, statistics, calculations and endless meetings with clients. I like the art stuff more and always dream of being an artist.  
  
I found myself less efficient during that job, while I could contribute a lot to some part time jobs that related the art I enjoyed. After six months, I decided to resign from the real estate firm and started to do my own art business, which I find I was so enjoying everyday. Since then, even more overtime works happened, I never feel tired and I think I could keep the pace until retirement.  
  
Therefore, if I have to choose one from satisfication or stability, I will choose the first one for sure, and I do hope each one could not only enjoy their jobs but also their life.  
  
(472 words)
You mentioned on your 1st paragraph that you would discuss in three aspects. However, I could only see two aspects here, which are age and the attitude of life.  
  
It is nice that you show your opinion by also relating it from your own experience.  
  
I would like to emphasise that IELTS writing are formal writing style, so you should not use contractions, such as can't and don't  
  
Write it as it is, such as: cannot, do not, etc.
Kindly use a timer when writing your essay next time. Set it for 40 minutes. I believe that you will find yourself unable to write this many words when faced with a pressure time scenario. Focus on the development of an explanation within 3 reasoning paragraphs, of no more than 275-290 words.  
  
Since this is an academic essay that tests your ability to clearly and properly restate the given question, avoid the use of rhetorical questions in the presentation, specially in the first paragraph of the presentation. You are not being asked to discuss the commonalities of the two aspects. You are being asked to differentiate between public opinions and give your opinion. It is that discussion instruction that should be reflected in that part of the presentation. Be as accurate as possible in representing the original topic and discussion instructions. Your TA score depends on it.  
  
You are discussing the 2 public topics from a personal point of view. The proper approach is to use a public presentation and relevant pronouns. In the first reasoning paragraph, your irrelevant sentence presentations would count as the first sentence. What should have been a topic sentence did not really combine well with the reasoning presentation, thus creating a difficult to follow line of reasoning.  
  
Truth be told, you are not explaining the reasons for the public points of view in the essay. You are not even referencing the original public topics in the presentation, which can pose a scoring problem for you. Additionally, this is only a 5 paragraph essay. You have written 6 paragraphs, which does not follow the expected format for this discussion.  
  
My advice, is that you read the existing essays at this forum first. Read and learn from the mistakes from others. Specially if you are self-studying as made evident by the errors in this presentation. Do not just keep writing for the sake of writing. You need to learn to follow the format for each question type and also, provide the correct paragraph topic presentations in a manner that reflects either a 4 or 5 paragraph discussion, depending upon the discussion questions and formatting requirements as stated in the original prompt.
## people tend to meet online rather than in person

  
  
It is claimed that more and more young people are interested in meeting other people online rather than face-to-face. There are several reasons for this and also advices are given to change this situation.  
  
It is inevitable that there are certain causes of increasing online communicating for the case of globalization and the convenience it brings. Firstly, due to the development of the world along with the dramatically growth of technology, people literally do everything on the internet namely communicating, sending files or information, taking pictures and so on. As a result, the young generation is required to update daily to catch up with the latest trend as they are on behalf of their countries in international competitions or meetings and they are responsible for the face of their motherland. Secondly, the most crucial reason why the youngsters choose socializing online is that they can benefit from the convenience of the internet. With facebook, instagram, zoom and so on, all the meetings or chitchats are now available online and they are all free. Therefore, more and more teenagers utilize the social network for communicating as they can meet each other anytime, anywhere and as many people as they want to at the same time without wasting time traveling around, in addition, meeting another one in person can lead to some extra fees such as drinking, fuels-related fees and so on.  
  
However, this trend emerges some detrimental impact on young generation because meeting another one online can make people come up with some diseases like obesity or even harm their eyes. Or even worst, they may soon forget how to talk to each other when they meeting face-to-face. That is why some solutions are suggested to this problem. Firstly, adults should raise the important of communicating directly to their children. As teenagers still rely on their parents, they are forced to obey their requirement, which leads to the process of encouraging children to meet others in person is easier. Secondly, the government may consider force the gigantic tech corporations like twitter or facebook to impose a fee for video call or chatting in order to limit the frequency of teens use the call. Because not many family are wealthy enough to pay daily or monthly for such a fee like that, the youngsters under the pressure of their family are no other choice than meeting directly.  
  
As things considered, there are two prime reasons why young people tend to meet online is for not being an outdated ones and the convenience of this communicating method. Nevertheless, there are some issues to this development, which occurred some measures to be taken such as the education of adults about how vital it is to have a face-to-face meeting and also the intervention of the government to require the the social network company to strain the accessing of teenagers in terms of socializing online.  
  
PLEASE HELP ME CHECK THIS ESSAY AND GIVE THE BAND SCORE OF THE IELTS IF POSSIBLE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
1. Your writing contains 480 words, which is too much for a writing task 2. You probably do not have enough time to write a 480-word essay in 40 minutes.  
  
2. this trend ~~emerges~~ has created/had some detrimental impact on young generation -> To my knowledge, "impact" doesn't go with the verb "emerge"  
3. ... make people ~~come up with~~ catch/get some diseases ... -> I reckon that "come up with some diseases" is incorrect as "come up with" means to think of an idea or plan.  
  
4. the government may consider ~~force~~ forcing ... for ~~video call~~ video calling or chatting ... of teens ~~use~~using the call
Band scoring is not part of our basic free services. To include band scoring in the review, please consider our private or URGENT review services. Thank you.  
  
Your reasoning paragraphs are over explained, You need not present 2 reasons with every paragraph. A simple 5 paragraph explanation of 1 effective reason is enough. You are supposed to be able to convince the examiner of your opinion based on quick, short, and understandable English explanations. You do not need to overwhelm him with information as you are not being asked to complete an academic research paper. This is only an academic opinion paper. Do not confuse the 2. The academic opinion paper can always be completed within 275-290 words. Use the 2 reasoning paragraph system to keep your word count in check.  
  
Your concluding paragraph should not include new information for the discussion. Never continue the discussion at that point. Always summarize the discussion instead and complete the presentation within 40 words. If possible use 3 sentences to close the essay. Just restate the topic, the reasons, and your opinion. You are presenting too many grammar errors, the most marked of which is constant run on sentence usage, which will lead to the lower than expected scoring of your work.
## Opinion essay ( IELTS WRITING TASK 2)

  
  
***A LARGE NUMBER OF PARENTS AND STUDENTS THINK THAT THE CURRENT COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAMINATION SHOULD BE ABOLISHED ALTOGETHER. WHAT DO YOU THINK? WRITE ABOUT 300 WORDS TO SUPPORT YOUR POSITION.***  
  
In this day and age, the majority of parents and pupils persist on completely rejecting the college entrance exam while the others are in the opposite point of view. From my perspectives, I firmly believe that the university entrance test should be continuously maintained for these following reasons.  
  
To begin with, through entrance examination, the student's capacity will be assessed in an accurate way to classify base on their levels of the score. Therefore, the learner with great outstanding academic performance is likely to enrol at the prestigious institution with the aim to have better access to challenging learning resources and exposure to other peers at the same level. In addition, the lecturer may find it easier to train their students. To be more specific, it is obvious that class that is appropriately graded with the students at the same ability will be taught a relevant way with suitable goals rather than a disorganised one.  
  
Furthermore, the entrance exam has an immense value of understanding development as it contains a chain of wide-ranging knowledge from almost essential subjects, hence it provides learners with the chance to broaden their horizon. They need to review the understanding of specific subjects like Math, English or Literature to prepare well for their performances and compete with other peers. What's more, after taking the exam, the learners will realize where they are standing at the crowd and have the indispensable betterments for their own studies. Consequently, there is a high likelihood that each student's education level and comprehensive development will be enhanced and completed quickly.  
  
In conclusion, it is my view that the college entrance exam needs remaining currently due to its great value of education on the basis of my analyses and explanations.
In this case, there is a target word count, 300 words. You only wrote 289 words so the essay doesn't really achieve the presentation requirement. Your first paragraph opens with a tired English phrase. Avoid using the so-called memorized phrases in your presentations (In this day and age). These word fillers don't help you to create a better paragraph meaning. A direct topic sentence opening would have done a better job at doing that. There is only one perspective coming from you so do not use the plural form for the word in this presentation. Remove the word "these" in the last sentence and shift the reference to "the" instead.  
  
Try to write a longer conclusion. Use about 40 words or 3 sentences for the conclusion just to help you practice writing a clearer concluding explanation. You can repeat the reasons for your opinion if you wish to. In fact, you should repeat your reasons, just to remind the reader of what the discussion was all about.
## the life cycle of the honey bee

  
  
The picture gives a description of the honey bee's life cycle. Overall, there are several stages which illustrate how eggs become insects within over a month.  
  
First off, female bees lay 2 eggs in maximum with the frequency of three days and let it hatch naturally. After a period of 9-10 days, baby bees are formed firmly and start to grow outside of the eggshells. From this stage, honey bees will go through three times molting from its previous nymph by shedding or losing old feathers, hair or skin so that a new growth will be allowed. This need 5 days, then 7 days and finally 9 days to terminate the whole period.  
  
The second main part of the process demonstrates when the time bee grows as a young adult to a complete mature form. After 21-day molting, young bee emerges and it takes more 4 days to be in an adult appearance.
## online versus traditional learning

  
  
These days, distance learning and in-class courses are two popular ways of learning, both of which have their own pros and cons. When students study in the classroom, they can ask the teachers questions face to face. On the other hand, commuting to school for those whose house is far from school is a waste of time. Nevertheless, by learning online, students can decide when and where to study, and they can enjoy more freedom in their study. However, students who are not self-disciplined may be lazy and out of control when they don't need to be forced to learn.  
  
Compared to in-class courses, I like distance learning more. First, I am a person who don't like to wake up early. In fact, waking up too early has a great impact on me. I would feel uncomfortable and suffer from headache. Second, by learning line, I can review the previous parts of lessons when I forget it. Last but not least, distance learning can stop students from worrying about raining days and critical sickness. Hence, if given choice, I would rather online learning than learning in classroom.
Is there a word count for this essay? It somehow feels like you stopped discussing the topic before you got to the really good part. I feel like the introduction to the topic is missing. The presentation seems to have started in the middle, discussing your opinion immediately instead of having a proper introduction paragraph first. Is this supposed to be a statement response or an essay? For a statement response, it is acceptable enough in terms of presentation format. For an opinion paper, it needs to have more words in it, at least 250 words.  
  
The paragraphs have good reasons presented, but needs more explanation development per topic. Were you only asked to present topic sentences? You were not required to develop the explanations? Please provide the discussion instructions next time so that I can offer you a better review of your work. Oh, before I forget, let me just mention that you have errors in presentation clarity, relationship between paragraph presentations, academic word usage.  
  
As an ESL student, you should be using simpler words for now. Don't use words like "previously" when "earlier" would be a better fit. Avoid the use of tired phrases like "Last but not the least" when a simple "finally" would be sufficient for the presentation. Avoid the use of contractions like "don't" (do not)
***Task: Some cities have vehicle-free days, when private cars, trucks, motorcycles are banned in the city center. Public transportations like buses, taxis and metros are advised.  
  
## To what extent do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.***  
  
My answer:  
  
There is news saying that more and more cities are adopting a vehicle-free policy, which means during a specific day, vehicles are banned entering the center of the city. Expectedly, some people disagree with this policy. However, I feel the advantages of it would be way too much than the disadvantages.  
  
First of all, in terms of personal expenses, there is no doubt that public transportation is cheaper than driving private cars. By public transportation, people could save more money for their own. For example, except for the oil expenses, insurance fee, parking fee, as well as some potential fees would cost the owner a lot, more than taking public transportation.  
  
Secondly, cities, especially big cities, are facing increasing traffic congestion problems. A lot of cars, trucks or motorcycles on the street may cause a long waiting line for the people who are in those vehicles. If a person lives in the north of the city, sometimes it may take him or her almost one hour to arrive at the office by car. While, if there is one day that only public transportation such as buses or taxis are allowed in the city center, he or she could only spend 15 minutes to the office.  
  
Last but not least, there are many strong researches showing that massive vehicles contribute a large portion of air pollution, which harms a lot to our planet. Setting some vehicle-free days could, on the one hand, decrease the pollution from vehicles; on the other hand, encourage more people to take public transportations at the most, unless necessary situation, in the long run. If people are more aware of how bad the current pollution issues are, each person's one tiny step toward protecting our environment would become a huge progress of human beings, to make our earth, the only homeland, a better place to live.  
  
Considering the many advantages from personal to world aspects, I strongly believe in that vehicle should be restricted in the center of a city for some specific days.  
  
(336 words)
Your second paragraph is under developed in terms of explanation. After you present an example, you should work on creating a supporting explanation that will allow you to tie together the first part of the paragraph with the example in a manner that is understandable to the reader. It has to create a convincing presentation going into the next paragraph. As of now, the second paragraph needs just an additional 2 sentences to accomplish that.  
  
This is a 2 reasoning paragraph essay so your third reason is superfluous. The discussion format you were provided required only 2 reasons. Only the comparative discussion with a personal opinion requires a third paragraph presentation.  
  
Your concluding paragraph should have at least 40 words in it. 3 sentences would be more than sufficient to properly recap and conclude the information from the essay. Yes, you wrote more than the required and maximum word count, but you did not use the words in the correct format so it hindered, rather than helped your presentation.