dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
As I am going to have an Ielts exam soon, an honest band grade estimation and evaluation would help, thank you in advance for you sincere help.  
  
**Topic: The first chart below gives information about the money spent by British parents on their children's sports between 2008 and 2014. The second chart shows the number of children who participated in three sports in Britain over the same time period.**  
  
## the participation figure for different kind of sports

  
  
The two charts provide information about British children's sports. The first chart lists the changes in the financial support from parents in Britain on kids' sporting activities and the second chart compares British children's participation in three sports.  
  
It is clear that parents' expenditure had risen over the span of six years from 2008 to 2014. Overall, from the second graph, athletics and swimming saw an increase in participation while the figure for football remains steady.  
  
In 2008, the average monthly spending was 20 pounds. The figure experienced a gradual increase over six years and rose to just above 30 pounds in 2014.  
  
Looking at the participation numbers in 2008, around 8 million of children played football while the figures for athletics and swimming is about 2 million and 0.5 million respectively, which was much lower. Within the six years, the number of children participating in football remained steady. On the contrary, the participation figure for athletics witnessed a drastic climb to 5 million in 2012, then fell slightly to just below 5 million in 2014. For swimming, the number of participation increased slowly throughout the whole period and end at about 4 million in 2014, and was overtook by athletics in around 2011.  
  
Word count:204  
  
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hai, @btho  
  
i had read your explanation  
in first paragraph you need to put overview. in your task there were no overview at all  
ex : monthly sports expenditure, experienced upward trend trough 6 years while another graphs inform the children favorite sports divided into three figures.  
  
the way you explain the chart is already good.  
but im not sure in some part like Overall, from the second graph, athletics and swimming saw ... => the 2 figures such as swimming and football were increased, while athletic slightly decreased  
  
you have less grammatically errors, super good need to remember plural object.  
  
if I am examiner you might score around 6 or 6.5  
good luck for real test :)
hay btho,  
i have read your writing closely, so there are some feedback for improving your score  
for your **task achievement**, you may get no more than 6, because you wrote too detail on your overview. you should pay attention on selecting the main features. as i read on your essay, you write all detail without selecting the appropriate data selected.  
  
turning to the Coherence and Cohesion. you arrange information coherently and used some cohesive devices so i think you can get 7 or more.  
you also used a sufficient range of vocabulary in this essay, and you can get more than seven on your Lexical Resource.  
furthermore, on your grammar, a saw you used a variety of complex structures with minor errors. so you can get more than seven.
@btho  
  
I have red you essay and I think that it does not cover all key features since you are likely to focus on some details, and you should arrange your body paragraph coherently as you present information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression. Especially in paragraph three, it is better if you extend your explanation or you could divide your essay into 3 paragraph: paragraph 1= introduction, paragraph 2= body paragraph 1 and paragraph 3=body paragraph 3. It could help you get higher score in coherence and cohesion.
## kids spending most of their leisure time staring at a screen

  
  
IELTS Writing task 1  
The chart below shows participation in certain leisure activities by children in Australia  
The given figure represents the information on Australian kids' engagement in particular pastime activities. Overall, it is clear that the most of free time Australian kids spent on watching TV and videos.  
  
Taking a closer look into details, it can be seen that skateboarding and rollerblading is the least favourite occupation of 5 to 14-years-old Australians, as boys and girls spend only 40% per cent of their leisure time on this respectively. In contrast, both young males and females watch TV and videos almost all their pastime as it constitutes 100% per cent.  
  
Taking bike riding and computer games playing, they have slightly similar pattern, because girls devote 60% of their free time on those activities, whilst boys are more interested in them. For instance, playing computer games is calculated at 80% per cent of their leisure time and 70% per cent of it is dedicated to bike riding. Furthermore, 5 to 14-years-olds in Australia are keen on doing art and craft, which is accumulated at 57% per cent for girls and 39% per cent for boys of their pastime use.  
  
In conclusion, it is obvious that youngsters in Australia are more fascinated by spending their time on TV than on any other activity.  
  
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***Hi Anasta**, I have read your writing closely and found a few errors which you should fix them.  
Firstly, I have to admit that you have endeavored to paraphrase the statement in the introductory paragraph. However, you did not deliver proper words to describe what you mind. That is different with its meaning. Make sure that you write is what you mind. For the writing task 1, you don't need a conclusion. It is sufficient if you only include the overview. The conclusion is identical with the writer's perception.  
  
After that, you have lost a few of your score for coherence and cohesion because you have shown inappropriate data. You can check your information in the first sentence of the first body. You only wrote one percentage although you mentioned two figures. In addition, avoid the words representing your perception. You have used the word "for instance". That is generally harnessed in the writing task 2. Your huge problem is delivering the proper words. Contents of this writing have created a bad flow because you placed the word inappropriately. Pay attention to this matter on condition that you wanna reach the high score.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing this.  
GOOD LUCK*
Hello let me give you some correction.  
  
Overall, it is clear that the most of free time ...  
  
One rule can be noticed when making an overview is that the the overview should represent the data generally. Only describing one particular figure does not cover the proper overview. Here in the following is additional component to make your overview powerful  
  
"*Australian kids are more interested in spending their leisure time on watching TV and videos. Also, the figure indicates that with the exception of Watching TV and Art& craft, boys dominate the all activities*.  
  
Taking a closer look into details, it can be seen ...  
  
In this prompt, apart from comparing one particular activity to others, actually the writer is also asked to contrast the value gained by both genders. However, i did not notice any in your second body paragraph.  
  
A good example to illustrate this seemingly is in the following  
  
*A closer look at the graph reveals that occupying the least interesting activities, skateboarding and rollerblading was dominated by boys at 40% while only 29% girls do this game. In Art and craft, by contrast, an opposing trend occurs when the number of female children taking a part was 20% higher than that males children do only accounting for 40%*.
Hi, nice try on IELTS Writing Task 1.  
1. I think you have used % and percent at the same time which is not necessary (and even wrong I think), so just choose 1.  
2. Try to use more synonyms e.g. pastime = free time = availabilities ...  
3. Use more influencers (markers) e.g Concerning, As regards, As for... to move/ connect to the new points  
4. Try to make each paragraph with at least 3 sentences.  
Work hard and good luck!
hay @ASooshd  
i have several advice for this essay  
  
firstly, on your overview, it is better if you use passive sentence, because you wrote it in active and it gives different meaning. you have to pay attention on it. turning to the second paragraph, you picked the highest and the least figure as interesting features. unfortunately, there were inappropriate data that you wrote. you said that the least favorite for both young males and females is watch TV and videos, but for boy there was a similar number with boys in art. so you have to focus on selectig interesting data.
@ASooshd  
In my point of view, it is better to put the main idea in the first line in each paragraph. It could help you arrange to manage all aspects of cohesion well. Try to find key features in the chart since you are more likely to focus on details. I think that you have used a mix of simple and complex sentence and you have good control of punctuation. You are able to get a higher score in grammatical range and accuracy if you use a variety of complex structure or wide range of structure with full flexibility
Hai everyone my name Diah. i love writing and definitely need some feedback from you to help me improve the way of my writing :)  
i less on grammar if could fine some errors and please give me the right answer if possible.  
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## WT-2

  
**Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Whay is this happening, and what measure can be taken to tackle this problem?**  
  
There are many problems cause by criminal. Mostly half of them used to be punished and stay in prison for several years based on how big their cases. However being punish doesn't mean the criminality are decrease the facts is opposite. I will explain the main reason and solution for these conditions.  
  
A lot of villains being punished with petty crimes levels such as thief or robbery. They will get 1-3 years life behind jail's trellis. It is one of low penalty in some other countries. When they back to normal life there's a huge possibility for them to commit another crimes. "The kind-heart rules" I believe this one of biggest causes, to measure the government need to improve or renews the old policy and giving fear to the perpetrator in term they will think first, before they decide to did harm to others people. For example government of North Korea created policy based on fear by received death sentence as punishment. In communist country that thing still exits and used frequently for those people who did big criminal cases. As a result the people became well-behave on their daily life and the level of criminality is lowest than other countries.  
  
As human and social creatures, we need to continue our life. And we need money for it. As villain, offenders always been judge as bad person and their existences is being refuse on society. Many discrimination the might get when they back into their life it's the biggest reason they hard to find job. The conditions push them and the easy way to own money they do crimes as they did before. Experience also created them to more careful in way they commit crime so they become smarter. In develop countries such as Indonesia, have serious problem crimes and society point of view. Many prisoners stayed at prison but if the offenders show well-behave through the punishment period they might get amnesty for cut of the punishment into half. But when they back all people also maybe their family will refused. In psychology they need big support from close relative in way to stop their crime habits.  
  
For conclusion the crime offender did wrong decision in their life. But everyone have right for second chances. The government can support their financial such as give them funding for business build and teach them how to survive in society and stand to scorn address to you. If you can work you can be entrepreneur which is can create job field for others people to chancing the public opinion for ex-convict.  
  
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@Diahkn93  
Your essay idea managing is good.  
As your request first and foremost your introduce, I think there are several mistaken showed by your essay,  
There are many problems causeS by a criminal.  
Mostly half of them used to...  
Mostly = adverb, it is inappropriate  
it should be Adjective (Most)  
For the rest your essay:  
Please pay more attention in Subject-verb Agreement
## Spendings rate in some european countries

  
  
The table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002.  
  
A breakdown of information regarding the comparison of expenditure spending by five countries for three of national categories consumption in 2012 is presented by table. At the first glance, the highest expenditure spent belongs to food and beverage, while funding for leisure/education aspect was the lowest among the categories  
  
First and foremost, it can be clearly seen that more than 15 % of expenditure by all countries allocated to food items and tobacco necessity. To take more detail, Turkey spent the highest funding for this item, which was twice more much than Sweden (15,77 %). Likewise Ireland, spent up to two fold expenditure more much than Italy and Spain in this category.  
  
On the other hand, for each countries, the lowest funding spent for leisure/ Education category. It can be proof by the data that Turkey as the country which spend the biggest portion, just funding arround 4,35 %. In addition, Ireland spent twice less than the former. The rest is Spain, spent just 1.98 % and became remarkable portion owing to the fact that it occupied the lowest expenditure among the countries.  
  
Turning to another data on clothing/footwear category, it witnessed the average range of expenditure about 5-9 % for fifth countries. Interrestingly, the highest expenditure spent for this category was Italy (9.00 %), while the lowest was Sweden (5.40 %). In addition, the rest three countries spend approximately 6.5 % of funding for clothing/footwear.  
  
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hi Anhy  
I will give you some feedback  
  
for each ~~countries~~ (country)  
....... just funding arround 4,35 %. (Pay attention with your spelling)  
and also remember that in writing such us 4,35 we should use point (.) not comma it can make the reader confuse  
Interrestingly, (misspelling)  
the highest expenditure **spent for** (spent on) this category was Italy  
you should use the appropriate preposition
Please help me to check my first essay,  
  
## Different goals of UK students

  
  
The diagrams compare and contrast data on the differences between the number of UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.  
  
The number of UK graduate students was over seven times as high as the number of UK postgraduate students in all categories. The majority of UK graduate and postgraduate students decided to continue their study in higher education, it was 29.665 for UK graduate students whereas 2.725 for UK postgraduate students. On the other hand, the minority of them worked as a volunteer, it was 3.500 for UK graduate students while 345 for UK postgraduate students. Working in part-time was the second highest destination of UK graduate and postgraduate students, it was 17.735 for UK graduate students and 2.535 for UK postgraduate students. Unfortunately, a terrible condition happened. The number of unemployment UK graduate and postgraduate students was relatively high, it was almost a quarter of them.  
  
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Nurul, while you did meet the minimum word count requirement of 150 (you wrote 158 words), you did not accurately represent the necessary comparisons, discussions, and information presentation in the essay. It does not meet the format and presentation requirements of at least 3 paragraphs comprised of 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You must aim to present an expanded discussion of the provided chart because that will be the method by which your English comprehension, grammar accuracy, and sentence construction abilities will be judged. While you did a good job with your presentation here, the shortness of the essay will limit the possible high scores that you could get when you use better developed idea presentation and explanations. You can achieve this by separating your essays into 3 topic paragraphs. The 5 paragraphs should be comprised of your summary overview, 3 body of paragraphs, and a concluding statement. Presented in that format, you will be able to aim for a higher overall score than you will have with this current essay. This essay cannot score higher than a 4.
***Hi Aini..**  
I have read your writing closely and will give a few suggestions. Firstly, you have to pay attention to form of paragraphing. I meant that to keep coherence and cohesion of this writing, you are supposed to make your grouping in this writing. It is better if you divided this writing into three paragraphs. In the first paragraph, you write the paraphrase of the statement as well as the overview. This overview is one of the important elements in the writing task 1 because that can give the general description the main idea in the body paragraphs. Because you are expected to fight with the time, you are supposed to write the overview in the introductory paragraph.  
  
After that, please you picked up proper linking words to make your move smoother and reviewers can get what you mind. Following this, keep in your mind that your job in this writing is to compare figures, not to describe them separately. You have to do it on condition that you wanna get the score more than 6. I suggest you read more example of the writing task 1 so that you can get the essential points in the writing task 1.  
  
Hopefully, these can help you for finalizing this writing.*
@aini fidhni  
Hi Aini,  
I have red your essay and I thought, it is better if you divide your essay into some paragraphs such as paragraph 1 for introduction, body paragraph 1 and body paragraph 2 since it will help you manage all aspects of cohesion well, and you should write overview in your essay as a conclusion. Furthermore, you have to make comparison for some figures and try to find key feature in the chart. In my point of view, you use only limited range of structure. It is better if you use a variety of complex structure to boost your grammatical range and accuracy
PERCENTAGE OF NATIONAL CONSUMER EXPENDITURE BY CATEGORY --2002  
  
## Sweden, Turkey, Ireland, Italy and Spain - spendings on various goods

  
  
The provided table illustrates about people have expenditure on different goods in 2002 in five different countries. This measurement is in percentage. In general trend, leisure or education figure are the lowest percentage and the highest percentage is food/drinks/tobacco.  
  
To begin, Turkey, Ireland and Spain figure were majority proportion. Turkey figure was the highest percentage in foods item at 32.14%, and in Leisure/education items at 4.35%, but it was second highest in cloth items. Meanwhile, Ireland figure was higher than others except Turkey figure in food items, and four times lower than cloth item and fourteen times lower than education. This also was happened in Spain figure.  
  
Furthermore, Italy and Sweden figure were minority proportion in food items, but Italy was the highest percentage cloth items at 9.00%. Meanwhile, Sweden figure had more percentage in food items than clothing leisure items. The former was the lowest than other countries in footwear items.  
  
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@tamtamii  
Your essay manage is going with well. Sadly, it is too short only more 2 words, that is clearly that you only write within 152 words, accordance with IELTS information that is to get higher band score your essay should be around 160-180 words.  
  
The second paragraph experience a bit confusion in the first sentence:  
Turkey, Ireland, and Spain figure were majority proportion regarding?  
Because of these countries not only showed related with one specific good which generated as the major country.  
  
Similar to next paragraph.
**You should spend about 20 minutes on this task.  
Below is a map of the city of Brandfield. City planners have decided to build a new shopping mall for the area, and two sites, S1 and S2 have been proposed.  
  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.  
Write at least 150 words**  
  
*The map below displays Brandfieled city with its facilities. Plans of building new shopping mall have been suggested in two different sites of the city; S1 and S2.  
  
## two parts of a city, different features

  
  
Both suggested sites surround the city center, and are near to transportation facilities. However, they are located in nearly opposite direction and different landmarks surrounds them. No changes in the city have been proposed to fit building the shopping mall.  
  
In the two proposed sites, they are located in a places surrounding the city center. For instance, in the south of S1 and north west of S2. In like manner, both sites are encompassed by transportation facilities comprised of railway and a road, both are far from the Golf Course and park.  
  
The two proposals are in fact opposing each other as S1 is in the north border of Brandfieled near the Housing Estate. Conversely, S2 is on the north east neighbouring the Industrial Estate, but this was not the only difference between both sites. Moreover, there is a significant feature of the city presents in one site but not the other. The river passes beside location S1 overriding S2.*  
  
*
Aman, my opinion is that you cannot score higher than a 4 with this essay because you did not accurately represent all of the information that you were given in the illustration. For starters, you did not provide an accurate overview summary. The overview summary should have been presented as a paraphrasing of the topic and discussion instructions that you were given for presentation in the essay. The lack of this information created an incomplete first paragraph / opening statement for you. You will of course receive point deductions for every aspect of the illustration that you failed to represent in the summary essay, of which there are many. You failed to represent the various facilities and locations being proposed for the 2 different proposals, comparing the carried over suggested facilities whenever possible.  
  
I would also like to call your attention to the second sentence of the second paragraph. When you say "For instance", you are expected to make a comparison between two subjects in the sentence. You do not have a comparison in that sentence. It is an incompletely developed sentence and will severely affect your GRA score.  
  
It is because of these problems with your essay that I feel you will not get a passing score in an actual test. Make sure to correct the errors in your next practice test so that you can improve your overall score.
Hi @aman12  
The most important part that you should put attention in this essay is the way you describing each part of the area based on the map. it seems to me that there is an unclear explanation in which you compare the location each other, bacause there is no place as the former. Moreover, the overview should be clear to get a higher score in task achievement. When I read your overview closely, may be it just about 5 for IELTS score, because you just explain it partially. In addition, try to use mix of sentence variation to boost your gramatical range and accuracy score. Then, in order to fit in coherence and cohesion, try to learn more about how to use phrasal verb properly.