dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@yenchauhoang  
*Next time that you ask for feedback, it would be beneficial if you could also attach the diagram to help give appropriate input on your writing.* Nonetheless, here are a couple of key inputs on your writing.  
  
Watch out for your phrasing and usage of preposition and quantifiers. I would suggest using more appropriate ones to ensure that your essay would have more of a flow.  
  
Moreover, I would also recommend that you try to create simpler sentence structures to ensure that you are not leaving behind any vital information (could potentially be lost in translation if you would not be careful of the way you put out your words).  
  
Evade being repetitive as well with the transition words that you use. Doing this will greatly benefit your overall content because (1) you'll save space and (2) optimize the space that you have to ensure that you use this for substantial content.  
  
**Let's revise your essay by bits.**  
  
The diagram illustrates the process in milk manufacturing in different stages. Both the complexity and variety of its production is observed.  
  
[...] Milking is a crucial step because it affects the quality of the final product. Afterwards, milk extracted is reserved in refrigeration and delivered by a truck to a factory. [...]  
  
*Keep these in mind as you are revising! Best of luck!*
## Meaning of grades in an educational system

  
  
**Some people fail in school but end up being successful in life. Why do you think that is the case? What is the most important thing to succeed in life?**  
  
The high academic grade is commonly considered as the certainty in gaining success in the future. However, in my view, there are other factors apart from accomplishing academic institutes that determine one's successful life.  
  
On the one hand, there is a multitude of reasons for children failing school. First, the overwhelming assignments from school are likely to stifle students' motivation in learning. Studying at school means children need to learn all of the subjects and are expected to expel all of them; it is obviously impossible to find an individual who enjoys all subjects at school. That leads to the second reason. Everyone is born unique and has completely different strengths. There are artists in every Maths class; likewise, scientists can be found in Music class. In other words, students with a specific passion for one field are likely to be less interested in studying other tedious subjects. This causes inequality of results in school subjects. Third, academic institutes often apply old methods of learning as well as impractical assignments. Thus, children's creativity is not considerably focused here. In addition, our educational environment also lacks creativity cultivating activities although this is an important skill for the technology era 4.0. Therefore, failing at school does not indicate the inability of the intellect of one student.  
  
On the other hand, among all of the factors, humans themselves are still playing a crucial role in every aspect. We can not deny the fact that although education does assist a great extent in children's success, it is not the only factor connected to one's accomplishment. That hard work, determination, and perseverance of an individual are indeed the key personality traits to succeed.  
  
In conclusion, having a high grade in our educational system surely helps you get attention to pass the very first steps in your career. But to maintain in the long run, your personalities are a prerequisite.
@Krystal318  
*Hi there!*  
  
Let's divide this response into two portions: technicalities and content-wise.  
  
In terms of the technicalities of your writing, I do not see anything alarmingly concerning. I think that your grasp of writing is beautiful. I would only suggest that you try to create more concise sentences. This will optimize the space you have for your essay - and in situations wherein you are working well within word counts, this is an essential trait because you need to be able to curate your thoughts and create depth with limitations of how much you can put into your writing. If this was not a concern, I do not see any reason for you to adjust your writing style.  
  
**Nonetheless, looking at your essay, I could revise the following lines from the second paragraph as:**  
  
**On the one hand, there are numerous reasons for children failing school. [...] Studying in school means children need to learn all the subjects while excelling in them; it is impossible to find an individual who enjoys all the subjects. Consequently, being that everyone's born unique, we all have various strengths. [...]**  
  
Be cautious when you are writing to avoid small mistakes.  
  
In terms of content, your writing is sufficient and well-played. I have noticed that you were able to create more depth in your writing relatively better than how others would. I would only recommend that you try to free up space in your second paragraph to create more valued sentences in your third paragraph. You had great thoughts about how personality traits play a role in gauging an individual's success; it would be great if you could expound on this further.  
  
*Best of luck!*
## Kids should Learn about balanced diet

  
  
hello,eveyone  
I am the new member, and preparing the IELTS test.  
Please tell me if there is anything I can make better in my essay/writing test  
Thank you!  
here is my task 2 essay question:  
Some people think that parent should teach their children how to be healthy and have a balanced diet.  
Others, however, believe that school is the best place to learn this.  
  
And my essay:  
  
People consider that health involves many factors like food and exercises, and people should set up the correct healthy concept from childhood. Some people agree that it is parents' responsibility to teach their children, while others think that schools should teach useful knowledge of health to students.I claim that parents are the contributing factors that they can affect children's the concept of health, and schools have ineffective teaching because they cannot take care of children after class.   
  
There are health education classes in school, and children can learn the correct information about having a balanced diet and the effective way to be healthy in school. However, to have correct knowledge is one thing, and to do is another. For example, there was a food stand behind my high school, which sold the fried chicken. Even though the teachers told us had better not to buy it due to the bad stand environment, I could still see a lot of students queued up for their fried chicken. In addition, teachers have no way limiting what children eat after school. Therefore, schools' education may not be the best way to influence children to be healthy.  
  
On the contrary, parents should be responsible for helping their children to be healthy because the habits are easily built up at home, and parents are the first they have contact with frequently. For instance, one of my friends is used to jogging in the morning everyday, since his father did it in order to keep in shape before. And now, he use the same method to own a low-fat body. Thus, parents take charge of setting role models for their children.  
  
In conclusion, children do not know health exactly, and they usually follow parents' habits. Even though schools is a are the main place that children can learn correct concept of health, parents play an important role in setting up their children's habits
@buzzlin  
Hi!  
  
Let's look through your essay.  
  
1. Your sentence structure is quite off at times. I suggest trying to create more dynamics through curating both short form and lengthy sentences to have more of an organic flow. Once you do this, your essay will have increased effectiveness in relaying information.  
  
2. Watch out for your usage of preposition, punctuation, and other technical portions of the language. Review these concepts for the betterment of your writing.  
  
3. Synonymous terms go a long way. When you use these terms, you'll be able to curate sentences that have more functionality to them because you aren't being repetitive.  
  
**Taking these into account, let's revise a few portions of your essay.**  
  
Care for one's health involves many factors like food and exercises; people should have knowledge on its maintenance from childhood. While others agree that parents shoulder the responsibility, schools also are useful in teaching said knowledge. I believe that parents contribute most to children's understanding of health, whereas schools are ineffective as they cannot take care of children after class hours.  
  
[...]  
  
Notice how I tried my best to integrate different methods of transitioning between sentences to ensure that I have dynamism in writing. In addition, I also recommend that you try to package your ideas in a lighter manner. While lengthy sentences are superficially beautiful, they are not necessarily effect at all times. Balancing your writing techniques is crucial.  
  
*Best of luck in your writing!*
## Learning in a group or individually?

  
  
It is debatable whether group study has several positive effects on learners or students prefer studying by themselves to studying in a group. While the latter is beneficial to some extent, I strongly side with the former. These would be elaborated below.  
  
On the one hand, the current generations tend to lead a self-education because of its several obvious conducive impacts. Specifically, it is learning without partners that enables the young to boost concentration on their tasks. As a matter of fact, when you have time alone to revise for exams or read books as well as learn by heart some poems, you would not suffer distraction from other people. As a result, young learners would free to research everything which they are interested in. Without self-learning, undergraduates are expected to lose the ability to memorize information.  
  
On the other hand, it is collaboration that plays an important role in modern educational environment. Particularly, an individual's brain can not address a complicated problem, and it lacks the ability to complete a task which requires several professions. Moreover, not only does cooperation help process a heavy workload at once but only raise learning motivation of each member as they have to be aware of their responsibility when they study in a group. Admittedly, team work has long been resulting in conflicts among teammates, because everyone has their perspective. However, when team members learn how to respect other's ideas, this issue could be solved easily,  
  
In conclusion, it is true that undergraduates prefer to lead a self-taught because of its certain obvious beneficial impacts. However, I am completely convinced with the fact that it is more important for learners to study in a group.
@Trinh Duy Hung  
Hi there!  
  
Be cautious of the construction of your sentences because the forms of the verbs that you use can be quite off-putting at times.  
  
In addition to this, be wary of putting together synonymous terms in a single line of thought. When you do this, you drag your sentences thin - instead of, for instance, developing more depth to the content that you have.  
  
Watch out also for how you construct your sentences. You have a tendency to have baffling content that are unclear of what you truly mean. This can happen when you stretch out the meaning of your sentences to cover up for the word count. Instead, always try to focus on depth rather than the length.  
  
Consistency in forms of the verbs/words is also key.  
  
**Let's revise a few portions of your essay accordingly.**  
  
Studying in groups or individually both reap benefits for the learners. While there are perspectives to consider, I strongly believe that communal studying is preferred.\*  
  
On the one hand, our current generation has a preference for self-studying because of its advantages. Learning without a partner boosts one's concentration on the task. When you have time alone to revise exams, read books, and learn poetry, you do not have distractions roaming around.  
  
[...]  
  
*\*Notice how instead of mentioning twice that you will be studying in groups, I had instead mentioned that it's a communal form of studying. This is a synonymous terminology; therefore you evade being repetitive while still maintaining the general thought that you have.*  
  
*Keep these in mind as you are revising and rereading. Best of luck as always in your studies!*
## technological progress and environmental pollution

  
  
**Pollution and environment damage result from developing and making the country richer. Are you agree or disagree?**  
  
Environmental issues are now becoming global concerns. Some people believe that the process of growing into a richer country causes pollution and environmental problems. However, I am of the opinion that the main reason of these troubles are related to the individuals' behaviour and government regulations.  
  
It is a fallacy to consider environmental degradation as the result of making the country richer. Advocates of such a perception tend to claim that the massive production activities of industrial zones dispose a tremendous amount of toxic and hazardous chemical wastes into the environment, which seriously pollutes water, soil and air in the surrounding areas. They get a mind thought that only toxic chemical waste or exhaust fumes discharging from the factories would damage the environment. Nonetheless, in fact, these stuffs though have an impact on environment, only happening in undeveloped and developing countries. Take the United States as a typical example, although there are many industrial regions, the government of this country, they are, in fact, quite successful in coping with the issues related to the environment from these parks.  
  
In my point of view, I believe that pollution and environmental problems are the consequences of human behaviour and government rules. First and foremost, it is because of the individuals' action. People have a lack of the awareness of protecting the environment, they do not understand the indispensable relationship between the human beings and the world surroundings. They throw rubbishes all over the place, into the land, the water. They have a deep-rooted practice of using their private cars and motorbikes for the convenience. Secondly, the governments do not promulgate the strict laws as well as improving the public transportation infrastructures to encourage their citizens to use. Besides, almost every country hesitate to invest immensely in renewable sources, this makes the cost of these types of power in the high level for people to use.  
  
In conclusion, environment pollution could not be considered as the result from increasing the country's economy since other actions are likely to be much more terrible impacts for the environment.
@AnhVu  
  
Try to omit unnecessary words that do not contribute anything substantial to your essay. Instead, try a straightforward approach to writing. This does not entirely mean that you should not use complex sentences; rather, this means that you should focus on creating simpler structures that have more depth. In addition to this, I would also suggest that you try to avoid being repetitive with your usage of terms.  
  
**Let's try to implement this to your writing.  
  
I would revise your introductory paragraph as:**  
  
Environmental issues are global concerns. Economic development has resulted to pollution and degradation. I believe that these concerns stem from individuals and the governments.  
  
[...]  
  
Notice how there was no need to make mention twice that they are environmental issues - and instead, I had elaborated on this concept through introducing more specific concepts like *pollution* (retained from your original paragraph) and *degradation* (*synonymous term but more indicative of a rapid trend*). At the same time, using more technical terminologies such as *economic development* instead of mentioning lengthy phrases like *process of growing into a richer country* is also beneficial for you.  
  
*Be concise about these terminologies - and experiment more with content. Best of luck!*
I am preparing for GMAt and IELTS both at once. I'm using GMAT's sample questions to practice analytical writing which I assume would be similar. Here are the qustions and my response, any advice or critisism is welcomed! Thank you.  
  
## Frozen foods - costs and profits

  
  
**Question**  
  
The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods. "Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits."  
  
**My Response**  
  
The argument that Olympic Foods will be able to do things in a way that reduces cost and improves profit margin omits several important details to justify the argument. The statement asserts that the cost reduction for film processing is a result of having more experience and that having a long experience in food processing will lead to a lower cost and a bigger margin. Such statement alone does not constitute a logical argument to predict a growth in margin, and it certainly does not sufficient proof to support the prediction.  
  
Most conspicuously, the argument does not address the other factors that could lead to cost reduction for film processing, the relationship between film processing and food processing, and the other factors that may affect profit margin. First, other factors, especially technological advancement, is also very likely be a contributor to a reduced cost. If a long experience is not the main contributor to a reduced cost, then the having a long experience in food processing does not imply cost reduction either. Second, film processing and food processing are two much different industries, and what holds true for one does not necessary hold true for the other. Without demonstrating the similarities between the two, it is hardly convincing to relate one to the other. Finally, many factors contribute to profit margin aside from cost, including selling price and other expenses that are not directly related to food processing. It is often the case that as the necessary technique and technology mature, competition grows fierce and selling price drops. Therefore, a reduced cost alone does far from suggesting a wider profit margin without taking all of the deciding factors into consideration.  
  
Given that the argument has failed to factor in several key elements discussed above, the argument is hardly sound or persuasive. If it considered all deciding factors that can affect cost and profit margin, the argument would have been more convincing.
@PIYOPIYO  
First and foremost, I recommend revising portions that have unnecessary wordings in them. These parts are not supposed to be welcomed as you need to have more intent as you are writing. When you curate sentences, try to always practice formal writing. Reread, revise, and ensure that you do not leave any hanging threads.  
  
In addition to this, the structure of your sentences is crucial when writing. Keep these in mind at all times; ensure that you do not have oddly constructed phrases that do not have any directed portion to your essay.  
  
Having complex words is not tantamount to having depth in your writing. Depth is all about developing your thoughts into more specific content to create direction in relaying what you want to showcase.  
  
**Keeping these in mind, let's revise a few portions of your essay.**  
  
The argument that Olympic Foods would have success in reducing the cost...\* Predicting growth in margins is more complex than this.\*\*  
  
[...]  
  
*\*In this sentence, there is no need to mention that it's to improve the margin and reduce cost as you have already previously mentioned that these were parts of the goals that you need to accomplish.*  
  
*\*\*Evade having repetitive thoughts in your essay. Always try to develop new ideas as you move along. Using synonymous terms can help you in this process. Nonetheless, I would suggest that you try improving your standing.*  
  
*Best of luck in your writing!*
## TOPIC: environment problem

  
  
Some people say that the main environment problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environment problems.  
  
Discuss both these views and give your opinion.  
  
It is true that the extinction of particular species of animals and plants lead to the main problem of environment in recent years, while some people think other environment problems are also important. I would agree that there are more environment problems that also important in our time.  
  
On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why the main environment problem of our time is the extinction of some species. Firstly, there are a few animals and plants that take an important part in environment. For instance, some plants make the air fresher such as trees and flowers, while some animals are good for soil such as a worm. Secondly, if some species of animals and plants are disappearing, others might gone too. The reason is many species of plants are the food of other animals, while some of the animals are also made plants live stronger. For example, herbivore animals consume grass or green leaf to live, flower use some of the insects to grown and reproduction.  
  
On the other hand, I believe there are more environment problems are also important too, not just animals and plants. Firstly, climate affect this world, it also impact the environment the most. Some problems such as climate change make governments in many nations spend billions of dollars to handle each year, some particular species are no longer extant because of it. Secondly, human are also must take a responsible for environment in recent years. People released a ton of toxic emissions to environment, it many species and also makes the climate change.  
  
In conclusion, although the loss of particular species of plants and animals are taking a serious impact on envirnment, it seems to me that there are many problems are more important.  
  
Iam really bad at writting and hope people in EssayForum will help me get better. Thank you so much
@pro123  
**Watch out for the forms of the words that you use.** You had a tendency to misuse certain terminologies. In addition to this, I also suggest that you look over the structure of your sentences because you have a tendency to create overbearing content that have informal qualities. When doing academic writing (especially in English language tests), it is crucial that you keep these in mind as you are writing.  
  
**Let's revise a few parts of your essay.**  
  
A commonly cited environmental concern is extinction. While this is crucial, I believe that there are other more important issues that need to be tackled. The essay will discuss both perspectives.  
  
[...]  
  
Notice how this formatting is more formal/academic because it does not leave out information hanging. **Instead, it attempts to merge altogether the thoughts that you have while still trying to be as concise as possible.** In addition, it is also crucial that you keep in mind how to integrate your ideas without dragging the sentence. In terms of length, while this revised version does not necessarily fall under the typical four to six structure, it is still comprised of a thesis statement and a concluding remark that are both important when it comes to creating formal content.  
  
*Keep these in mind as you are revising and typing. Best of luck!*