dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
My friend asked me to write an essay for her but I don't have much experience on this. Hope you can give me some comments and give out score of my writing (according to IELTS band if possible). Thank you so much.  
  
#dolphin93  
  
## Money spent on phones

  
  
Topic: Some people today spend too much money on their phone. What do you think? You should write about 250 words.  
---  
Phones play an essential role in society these days, thanks to their advantages. Therefore, several individuals spend a tremendous amount of money buying or upgrading their phone. While some people believe doing that is an action of wasting money and disagree with it, I would argue that people have the rights to do anything they want to as long as it suits their circumstances.  
  
When phones appeared many years ago, they served firstly as devices which facilitate communication, especially for two persons being far from each other. Then, phones have been gradually advanced in their appearances and their uses due to the development of technologies. Hence, phone now is not only a way of keeping in touch but also a powerful tool called smartphone which brings more convenience to human lives. Besides, phones are also used for fashion reasons. Many phone models are designed quite beautifully and fashionably to enhance the appearance of various people. On the other hand, owning a limited or luxury phone is an excellent way to show the levels or the reputations of the rich men.  
  
Because of their technologic, economic and fashionable features, phones cost not cheap, even extremely expensive for some sorts of famous brands. For instance, a new smartphone of Apple can be valued equally to a motorbike or a modern laptop. However, people completely feel free to do that if those phones adapt their demands without disturbing their lives in term of finance.  
  
In conclusion, spending much money on phones is right if it is suitable to the individual's situation, and I believe that everyone has responsibility for their decision which others cannot judge or criticize.
I am preparing for IELTS as well and having hard time for correction so I would suggest you as much I can.  
  
Further, my analysis.  
I believe you should stick to certain ideas and elaborate them rather than introducing new idea.  
As an example, I would have wrote below points for para1 and para 2, you can write the same way and just elaborate them.  
T is Topic, S is support sentence for the topic, E is an example and R is a result of previous statements.  
  
Body 1  
T: professional advantage  
S: certain features come with more price  
E: a professional photographer needs better phone  
R: can earn more  
  
Body2  
  
T: more features and ruggedness  
S: outdoor adventures  
E: waterproof phones
## Garlsdon town map essay

  
  
The map below illustrates for us about the town of Garlsdon. A novel supermarket (S) is planned for the town. The map also gives us two possible areas for the supermarket.  
  
As we can see, there are two place that is mentioned in the map. First area is countryside and the other is in town centre without traffic zone.  
  
In the first site, we can see the square of this zone is as big as second zone is. However, there are many benefits for the supermarket when they palace it in this area. For example, it is close to both railway and main roads that people do not have to walk for a long distance  
  
Although people in Garlsdon have to walk more than they do in the first site, it is more convenient for dwellers who live in Bransdon, Cransdon and people who are living in town centre because they do not have to move for a longer distance.  
  
In conclusion, both areas has its own benefits and cons. So I think that both are able to be chosen as the place to build new supermarket.
Where is the copy of the image? You have to provide a copy of the image if you wish to receive a complete review of your work. I need the image so I can compare the content of what you wrote with the image provided. I also need that to be sure that you followed the discussion instructions. Without it, I can only give you a general, non-specific review of your work.  
  
This is not an opinion essay. It is a reporting essay. You must never provide an opinion in a task 1 essay. This is only a summary of information essay. It is not an academic discussion essay. It would be best for you to avoid doing that moving forward.  
  
You speak only of the location in the report. You do not mention any changes, improvements, or additions to the new site. Since I cannot see the image for myself, I cannot comment on what information you should have provided. I would like to remind you that the assumption of this essay is that the reader does not have a copy of the image to look at. So you should be highly specific and informative about the content of the image within the report. As it is, this report is useless because it does not provide necessary information to the reader beyond a comparative discussion, which is not the focal point of the task 1 essay. The target of this essay is to see how well developed your descriptive skills are in terms of a written report based on a visual source.  
  
By the way, a palace is defined as: the official residence of a king, queen, bishop, or other sovereign or exalted personage; a large and stately mansion or building. You were not implying anything of the sort. Your word usage was incorrect. You mean to refer to a place which is: a particular portion of space. Such errors in word usage and vocabulary will negatively affect your LR score.  
  
The other errors in this presentation are not valid for review because those apply to a task 2 essay, which, as I mentioned earlier, is not the format for this essay type. Just know that based on your generalized presentation, it will be difficult for you to achieve a passing score. Note that I have not even considered the actual image information at this point. You obviously are not familiar with the requirements of writing a task 1 essay which are:  
  
- To summarize the content  
- To list the information  
- Do a comparative report based on several factors that indicate a given measurement data  
- Present a trending measurement or indicator
## Shopping effect on teens

  
  
It is clear that spending too much time for shopping centres is a tendency of teenagers in modern world. Personally, although there are many bad impact on young people and society, going to shopping also has some benefits on them.  
  
Ono the one hand, shopping addiction is the main key, which will make troubled finance and some society issues. In fact, teenagers willing to pay a large amount of money without wavering for an unnecessary thing as long as they are interested. For example, young people who are big fan of Iphone  
  
*
Your essay is incomplete. You need to post the complete prompt and the full 250 word minimum essay discussion to receive a review from anybody, not just a contributor at this forum. Your current work is so incomplete, it is not reviewable. You should post a new essay, this time with the complete prompt and completed discussion so that you can receive a proper review from everyone here.Your current post does not deliver a clear idea regarding the topic, discussion instructions, and writing approach. So I am afraid I cannot help you with advice for this particular essay.  
  
The essay is left on a hanging discussion point. It does not have a clear purpose nor discussion target. I believe you were not able to properly address the original prompt, even without seeing it. I am basing that comment merely on what you have written so far. If I knew more about this discussion, I could explain to you how to better your writing for this task.
***Each form of mass media has great influence in shaping people's ideas.  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
In every era, mass media plays a critical role in our lives by providing us with the latest information and news. Radio, being classified into one of the media, has existed for several decades, providing people with valuable knowledge. However, there is a considerable group of people who question the accuracy and authenticity of reports from radios while others are still inclined to the efficiency of them.  
  
On the one hand, the advantages of radios for education, entertainment and awareness is evident. It provides many means of communication for people from different cultures, religions, races and regions. As a consequence, the barriers between people of such diversities are narrowed. However, inadvertently, we are prone to grow subservient on these transistor radios that fact-checking appears unnecessary.  
  
On the other hand, this inclination has detrimental outcomes, as we gradually let our judgment be clouded by that of the media's. Mass media in general and radios in particular, tend to report wars with a biased verdict, which is the good and bad side being determined for the people by reporters, editors and commentators. For instance, during World War Two, General Philippe Pétain, who served for the Vichy government, spread false propaganda through radios to citizens of the Occupied Zone, stating that France is coming to victory. While the truth, which was that the Occupied Zone was being devastated by the enemies, was carefully veiled. Therefore, we need to make sure they work for the truth and greater good, not for a particular organization or political agenda.  
  
In conclusion, any form of media is a strong tool to shape public opinion. Thus, it is paramount to maintain the balance between the freedom of media and the broadcasting of equitable news.
Your essay is going to get a failing score because you failed to show that you understood the discussion instruction, provide a proper response to the discussion requirement, and format the essay based upon the implied discussion format. The error in your essay started at the very beginning. In the prompt paraphrase. Let me highlight the errors for you:  
  
*OT: Each form of mass media has great influence in shaping people's ideas.  
DI: To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
YT: ... there is a considerable group of people who question the accuracy and authenticity of reports from radios while others are still inclined to the efficiency of them.  
  
DR: None provided*  
  
You totally changed the discussion topic and the discussion instruction. That is never a good thing to do. It shows a lack of English comprehension skills. The proper discussion presentation for this essay could have been:  
  
*The citizens of the world have several guiding considerations when it comes to creating their mindset for certain discussion types. These dominant influences mostly come in the form of electronic and broadcast media. I would have to say that I am inclined to heavily support / not support this suggestion based on 2 reasons.  
  
I wholly support / do not support this point of view because of my personal experience regarding the matter. When I was...  
  
Additionally, I throw my strong support towards this idea / I do not strongly support this idea is because ...  
  
I believe that these are the factors that allow media types to heavily influence the mindset of people. First... Second... Hence, I conclude this essay by repeating my total dis/agreement with the discussion topic.*  
  
What I showed you is only one of several approaches to this discussion format. Remember, you are being asked to throw your agreement or disagreement with the discussion topic based on a weighted response. Note the weight of my support for each discussion topic in the reasoning paragraphs. You need to show a firm support or non support for the discussion topic by using weighted topic references as I did.  
  
This is never a comparative discussion. You must prove to the examiner that you actually have a solid point of view that you can support in your presentation. You will score highly when you are capable of showing a decision making process in your response and the ability to properly defend your opinion. Remember, you are scored properly once you present an opinion. If you do not present a solid opinion, as you did in your presentation, you will not get a passing TA score and you will tend to fail the whole test in the process.  
  
Read the prompt. Understand the topic. Most of all, consider what the real discussion instruction is and respond to it as required. That is how you will pass this test. Never create your own discussion topic and discussion format / instruction as you did above. That is a definite way to fail this test.
## Letter to a friend

  
  
**Question:**  
Your friend has had his/her first book published a few days ago. He/she has recently sent you a copy of that book.  
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter,  
  
congratulate him/her for having his/her first book published  
thank your friend for sending you a copy of the book  
say what do you think about the book  
  
**My Answer:**  
Dear James,  
  
It has been a while since we exchanged our text. But I am glad to see your first publication and I was overwhelmed with happiness after receiving it through a courier.  
  
You appear inspiring for my eyes while I recall your hard work and effort you took to achieve your first book published. Definitely, it is not so easy though, however, my hearty wishes for your first level of achievement.  
  
Besides, thanks mate, It means a lot for me to thinking about I am one of your important person to be considered to send a copy of the book. The moment I have received the book, I have started reading it. It is not only exciting but also very interesting. I have completed reading almost four chapters until now.  
  
I think it is a good start for you to go ahead to publishing more books on various topics and awareness. Therefore, you would be considered as an talented local author.  
  
Once again, thanks for sending me a copy of the book and I am so proud of you. My best wishes for upcoming publications.  
  
Yours sincerely,  
Yusa  
  
**Kind note:** Please give rate my letter scale of 1-10, to improvise
I must admit, I do not know the requirements for this task, but few things look out of place in this letter.  
  
*It has been a while since we exchanged our text.* So it has been a while since you heard from him, ok. But in the next paragraph, you said: *I recall your hard work and effort you took to achieve your first book published* seems a little contradictory, how do you know about his efforts if you haven't talked?  
  
The main issue I have with your phrase: *, thanks mate,* the letter is so warm, kind and respectful, but you tainted it with this informal phrase. I do not think mate, dude, etc is acceptable.
I would rate this a 4. It is lacking too many casual and cordial letter writing elements for it be considered passable. While people from the UK often use the term "mate" to indicate a friend, something not known to many people but definitely helped your letter, that was the only element of the letter that appeared to be casual and friendly. Your letter still sounds too serious. This is perhaps due to your writing the letter to an imaginary person instead of a real person. You did not need to use an English name to refer to as a friend in the letter. You could have used the name of your best friend. You are not being scored on what kind of friend name you use, just make sure to use a gender reference in the letter to indicate the sex of the person for example, you could have made a reference that:  
  
*In one of the scenes, you described a fishing trip the main character had with his father. It brought back memories for me. The dialogue "Yusaf, hold the worm tightly. It won't bite. Boys need to learn how to fish!" This was exactly what your father told you the first time we went fishing with him. Do you remember that? You fell out of the boat, exactly the way you described it in the book. The scene allowed me to relive our childhood. Thanks for that opportunity mate.*  
  
You cannot avoid using gender references in the letter. It was indicated as a useful scoring point in the instructions through the he/she references. You would have been scored on it. Please take note of the relaxed tone of the letter and the natural insertion of the word made in the writing. That is what you should be aiming for.  
  
The letter is still too formal. It lacks the friendly and congratulatory tone that you would have had, if you were writing to an actual friend. When writing a letter to a friend, imagine you are actually writing the letter to a friend of yours. That way your letter will be more friendly and less formal in approach. You sound like you are writing to a stranger that you just met and are currently trying to befriend/ You need to be more relaxed when writing friendly letters.
Hi Mr. Holt, this essay is agree and disagree essay, not give opinion. Please help me to check if my discussion way is correct?  
Can I have your opinion about the essay question "what extent do you agree and disagree" and "do you agree and disagree"? Is it the same?  
  
And when I don't have the popular example, can I create some particular one like my essay below? I am not sure if it is right but I write it as a strongly true example. Can it be acceptable.  
  
Thank you.  
In this essay, I am sure that my understanding of the prompt is correct. Hope it is OK  
  
***Foreign visitors should pay more than local visitors for cultural and historical attractions.  
TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THIS OPINION***  
  
Every nation has their own strategies of setting price for both local and foreign customers to visit important sites and monuments. It is sometimes argued that tourists from overseas should be charged more than local residents I completely agree with this statement due to a couple of personal experiences  
  
The differential price charging to foreign tourists is for the service purpose. These visitors require different service such as translation or Question-and-Answer service which need to be done by high-paid officers. The multilingual information of cultural and historical introduction in Vietnamese museum exemplified this perspective. People have to pay higher for someone who can work as an interpreter or translator to translate Vietnamese information into English and Chinese, so forth. This leads to high expenses that managers of these attractions have to charge back to foreigners, not local residents and have suitable strategies of this operation.  
  
To maintain these attractive places' operation, these managers need to have good profit plans. However, they cannot charge high price to local customers due to the purpose of learning history and culture encouragement, thus foreigners will be charged higher to get profit. This is exemplified by all Vietnamese museum's operation which is divided into two operating strategies. The expenses of reconstruction plan for repairing statues or facilities which is sometimes implemented is taken from the local revenues while monthly employee's wages and profits will be from overseas revenues. Consequently, the price charging to foreigners is higher.  
  
To conclude, the payment of foreign visitors has to be higher than the local ones due to the good maintenance plans and the international services. Furthermore, whether it is accepted is not a big issue for people to compare since the types of visitors are different.
Hi, @Smile12\_12.  
  
I'm not sure if I am capable enough to review your essay, but I can answer your question regarding the differences of "what extent do you agree or disagree" and "do you agree or disagree".  
  
"Do you agree or disagree with the given viewpoint" question means that the discussion would like you to discuss the essay based only on one opinion, supported by various facts, popular knowledge, or personal experience. The proper response to the prompt can only be one of two things; "I agree" or "I disagree". One can never discuss both sides as there is no option in the original prompt that indicates a comparison statements such as "Discuss both points of view."  
  
But if the question ask for what extent do you agree/disagree like your essay did, a good way to answer this question is:  
To a certain extent I agree/disagree that... However, I also think that...  
By saying that you agree/disagree to a certain extent (not completely), you can now talk about both sides of the argument.  
  
Hope this helps you! :)
## The Location for study a foreign language

  
  
*Do you learn a new language by traveling to another country or in your own country*。  
  
In the highly competitive edge , people need to possess various skills to stay competitive edge in the fierce society . it is necessity for people to grasp new language to gain higher position and receive decent salary . Some people prefer to go on a trip to learn new language , others like to practice in their own country . From my perspective , learning new language in other countries by trip has a lot to offer .  
  
First of all , it takes less time and effort to speak more fluent than learn in own countries . In a new and unknown area, they have to strike up a conversation with locals in order to get some useful information . For instance, people need to ask the way to the destination if they don't familiar with the routes and environments . They also need to talk with the waiter about what kinds of food they prefer . In this process, it gives people a chance to practice and imitate others' pronunciation ,grammar and vocabulary . They could constantly improve language skill in this situation and this vivid and deep memory they can't forget in the rest of life. Moreover , By visiting foreign countries, people can also broaden their horizonsl . it offers them amounts of new things . Like different culture heritage , festival , tradition and even food habit. These unique experience provide more insight in their life.  
  
Furthermore , it helps people to enlarge their social circle . In the trip , they can meet people from all works of life . so it gives them a chance to draw on the expertise of others and expand their own knowledge . When they meet problems , these people could lend them a helping hand . so they can figure out effectively .  
  
In sum , compared to learn in own country , It contain more benefits to learn new language in other countries .