Ho, I'd like to start with a review of your grammar problems. I need to point out that you have to make sure that you never write the pronoun "I" in lower case. It is the only pronoun reference in both UK and American English that requires it to always be written in upper case / capital letter form. This is the general, unbending rule for that first person pronoun usage and you made the mistake of writing the pronoun in lower case in your essay.  
  
As for your spelling errors, these occurred because you spelled the words like behaviors in the English manner instead of the UK manner which is behaviours. While the examiner will make allowances for the spelling differences between the two languages, you would get a higher LR score for using the UK alternative spelling for the words. Try to familiarize yourself with the way UK words differ in spelling from the American counterparts. You have shown that you did not proof read your essay prior to submission because you have misspelled words such as "lak" instead of "lack".  
  
With regards to your adjective use, since you are trying to impress the examiner with your word usage and you want to create an impression when it comes to the use of English words, it would be better for you to use more descriptive adjectives in the essay. For example, rather than saying "great role models", you could have opted to use the more impressive adjective presentation of "significant role models". The phrase raises the impression of your writing skill from basic to intermediate.  
  
Considering your prompt paraphrase, the first sentence you created is not too different from the original presentation so your GRA and LR scores will not be helped by the presentation. You need to make sure that you present the prompt in a totally different manner, but still keeping the original prompt topic and discussion requirements clear to the reader. It is also too short to prove that you properly rephrased the prompt. In this instance, you were supposed to present direct responses regarding the causes and solutions for the given problem. A sample presentation would be:  
  
*Society portrays an increasing unfriendly attitude towards others. This is heightened by an obvious disrespect for those around them. Some causes of this problem include social discrimination and lack of good manner and moral conduct both at home and in school. Possible solutions related to the causes include better education at school regarding social behaviors and requiring parents to teach their children about the difference between acceptable and non-acceptable social behaviour.*  
  
This being a direct question essay that requires two discussion topics per paragraph, you need to become familiar with transition phrases and sentences that help to connect the two ideas in one presentation. Do not use terms such as "social revolutions" as "revolution" is often associated with war and the essay is not begging for something so extreme to be done to resolve the problem. You could have said "A number of social change programs" or "A number of social change advocacies", both phrases are not combative and align itself more with the prompt requirements.  
  
You know what? Your opinion should have been presented as a part of the direct response sentences in the prompt paraphrase paragraph. It would have been more effective there are opinions are normally part of the paraphrase since it establishes part of the discussion outline. It is misplaced as the topic sentence of the first reasoning paragraph.  
  
Your concluding summary is good but would have been better if your summarized the solutions proposed and placed a period at the end of the sentence to indicate the close of the paragraph. As it is, it appears that your sentence is not completed because of the lacking punctuation mark. This is an error that will have an effect on your GRA score as you show a lack of ability to use punctuation marks in the correct manner.