dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Topic: Some people believe that to protect local culture, tourism should be banned in some areas whereas other think that change is inevitable and banning tourism will have no benefit. Discuss both sides and give your opinion**  
  
Please help me to correct and give comments, thank you so much!  
  
## local cultural protection by forbidding tourism

  
  
People have differing views with regard to the question of how to maintain local culture affected by tourism. While some people think tourism should be forbidden to prevent local practices from changing, I believe that banning tourism in some specific places can be efficient rather than making any change.  
  
On the one hand, people have various reasons why they do not believe in the influence of banning tourism and changing culture is a undeniable trend. Firstly, local culture created from time to time by continuously changing elements such as habitat, history and people's lives, therefore, with or without tourism, culture is still changing. Secondly, forbidding tourism can limit the number of visitors attracted, results in the suspension of local cultural development. Local artists, who contribute a great deal of value in culture play no role in popularizing their culture and other culture are faded away when there is little attention of public. Finally, local agencies may loss money from banning tourism, which can be used to remain and develop their culture. In fact, local residents, artists and agencies need to be paid to make a living, to remain or to perform their local culture.  
  
Despite of these arguments, banning tourism in some places can be considered as an effective way of protecting local culture. The first advantage can be shown is remaining the traditional culture in sacred places such as temples and pagodas. Some people have their tendency to act rudely or do not strictly follow given instruction, especially foreign tourists with different culture; thus, the culture of these are still remained without any distraction. The second advantage which is not less vital is sorting certain places of banning to achieve better effect. Some areas receiving much attention from public, and developed from verbal ways or even social medial are encouraged to open widely so that local culture are known in a positive way; meanwhile, the other places which are banned from tourism can keep their nature through history.  
  
Banning or banning tourism can raise a controversy in keeping local culture among people; however, I personally believe that forbidding tourism can create certain benefits to local cultural protecting and development.
Tam, it is unfortunate that, although your discussion of the topic is strong, you did not accurately represent the prompt parameters. Therefore, this essay went from a 2 opinion discussion with a personal insight discussion to solely a personal insight presentation. This runs counter to the original prompt discussion instructions and will therefore, result in a score of no more than 4 overall. The reason for this is that you only partially responded to the prompt requirements and misrepresented the prompt discussion in the opening paraphrase as well.  
  
How did you misrepresent the discussion? Consider the discussion instructions that were provided when compared to your take on the same:  
  
*Original Instruction: Discuss both sides and give your opinion  
Your Discussion Response: I believe that banning tourism in some specific places can be efficient rather than making any change.*  
  
Based on the outlined presentation, it should be clear to you that you did not discuss the prompt in accordance with the requirements which is why the essay will not garner a passing score even if you score an average passing grade for the remaining 3 criteria.  
  
The proper discussion prompt paraphrase is:  
  
*There is a group of people who believe that native practices should be preserved which is why sight seeing travelers must be prevented from visiting some areas of a country. Others believe that cultural changes cannot be prevented so limiting tourist access to certain areas will not provide any rewards for the area. In this essay, I will present a discussion regarding both points of view before presenting my own point of view regarding the topic.*  
  
From that point, the succeeding paragraphs should have indicated:  
  
*The belief that tourism should be limited in cultural places....  
  
However, those that advocate for open tourism in these areas...  
  
Based on the above reasons, I have gained the impression that...*  
  
The above format would have best represented each point of view clearly in the paragraphs prior to the presentation of your point of view.  
  
Your concluding paragraph is a run- on sentence and would have further reduced your C&C and GRA score. It is always best to present short but informative sentences separate by periods instead of commas to improve your scores in those sections. Just don't present more than 5 sentences per paragraph for maximum scoring considerations.
Mark, in order to avoid the deletion of the questions and accompanying article next time, please post those as a separate file for the essay review. At this point, since those sections were removed from your essay, I am not sure about whether or not this essay aligns itself with the questions posed for you to respond to as part of the article review. However, I can still offer a review for your work based on the the technical aspects of the presentation.  
  
Your opening statement was rendered little effective because it doesn't really inform the reader about the background of the article that you are discussing. You should have worked on presenting a clear thesis statement that indicates the two questions that you will be discussing in the essay and then informing the reader about how these two questions connect so that the discussion you presented would have been clearer.  
  
Try to avoid starting successive paragraphs with the same opening phrase as you did in paragraphs 2 and 3. It makes it difficult to truly differentiate who is speaking in the paragraphs because you use similar terms to describe the speaker. A clear reference using different terms would have helped to avoid that confusion.  
  
There must have been a transition paragraph presentation in the middle of the essay, say in the 4th paragraph, that would have prepared the reader for the transition from martial arts to painting. Creating an introduction to the fact that a co-relation between the two will be discussed in upcoming paragraphs. It would have made the discussion about similarities between painting and martial arts less shocking to the reader.  
  
Be careful with how you type proper nouns. The last name "Lee" must always be capitalized in presentation, you presented it in lower case at various points in the essay. This shows a disregards for grammar rules, upon which you are also being scored. Lowering your score in that section will have an overall effect in your final scoring consideration.
I sincerely appreciate your help, Holt.  
  
There were Text1 and Text2, and there were two separate questions, one being "what is the depth of martial arts" and the other one being choosing one activity or sport that can be compared to martial arts. Since there were two separate questions, I started answering my second question without attempting to discuss the connection or why I suddenly start to talk about painting.  
  
I will work on providing background information about Text 1 and Text 2 and also inform what I will be answering or writing about at the end of the introduction paragraph.  
  
By "Avoid starting successive paragraphs with the same opening phrase," do you mean using words such as first, second, and third?  
  
I capitalized Lee all the time, so I was not sure about what you were referring to.. Did you mean that I should write LEE instead of Lee?  
  
Thank you!
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.  
Write about the following topic:  
  
**Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business, and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to beshared freely.**  
  
*Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
## The value of information

  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
Write at least 250 words.  
  
In the advancing era of science, business, engineering and technology, it is vital that all the information are shared and fairly distributed throughout the world. Some people argue that sharing information is beneficial to the development of new technology, a cure for a disease and mankind advancement. Others tend to retain the valuable information and prevent it from leaking out to the public. The decision of whether to share or not to share the information is greatly depending on the various types of occupation and organization.  
  
It is important that all the scientific research findings and data are made publicity for other researchers and academia. For instance, a group of scientist from a research centre is developing an experiment with a medicine that can possibly cure cancer. During their research, if these scientists do not share their results about the failed experiments, another group of researchers may repeat exactly the same mistake which is wasting both time and money from the funding organization. Furthermore, a newly form group of scientists may reinvented the wheel and repeat the same research without prior knowledge about the previous data. It is extremely difficult to have something new invented if the researchers are not sharing their findings.  
  
On the other hand, the majority of business organizations are very strict and protective of their company's information. It is understandable that the business secrets should not be shared freely to the public as it might affect the company's profits and their employee's privacy. In these cases, the information is too valuable and should be protected.  
  
In conclusion, information regarding to research should be made public whereas data relating to business's secret can be reserved and protected. It is also important to allow a lawful body or the government to access the information when needed.  
  
(Words: 298)
Le, your overall presentation for this essay is inaccurate and not within the proper prompt requirements. The first problem with your essay is that, in the opening paragraph, you immediately begin the discussion of the topic by presenting an opinion instead of a mere topic sentence. You do not follow it up with a proper discussion and instead, revert to the expected presentation format. This forced an error in your presentation as you no longer properly paraphrased the original prompt. Let me show you an example of a more accurate prompt presentation below:  
  
*A particular section of society believes that open sharing of information in the fields of science, economics, and education are important to the continued development of these fields. There is also an opposing sector that believe these types of information are too valuable so open access to these data must not be allowed. In this essay, I shall discuss these two points of view prior to sharing my personal belief of the situation based upon my own experiences and understanding of the topic provided.*  
  
It is of vital importance that you stick to the paraphrasing of the original presentation as best as possible so that you can prove your English comprehension skills and ability to represent an English thought process in your own words. Do well in that presentation and you are almost fully assured of passing the test. Make mistakes, such as you made in this essay and you lessen that chance.  
  
The biggest problem with the essay that you presented is that it comes across in totality as a personal opinion regarding the two points of view. The actual discussion instruction requested you to discuss both points of view in an independent manner first. Then you present a point of view that supports one of the given sides. Based upon your presentation, you approached this from an academic angle instead of basing your personal point of view on personal knowledge or experience. When you present your personal point of view, you must indicate this by using the first person pronouns such as "I, myself, me". If you do not specify the separation indicators for the two different points of view and your personal point of view, you end up representing only your discussion in the presentation.  
  
It is based upon these presentation errors that I cannot assure you of getting a passing score with this type of essay. There are too many inaccuracies in your work for it to be scored accurately and fairly. You need to make sure that you understand the discussion method required before you write the essay. If you understand what is expected of you, then you should be able to properly deliver the requirements and thus, gain a passing score for your work.
## how a lead pencil is made

  
  
The diagram below illustrates how to produce a lead pencil. Overall, there are three stages in the process, starting with planting the trees, manufacturing, and then ending in packaging.  
  
Firstly, the seeds are sowed in order to start growing the trees. Then, after four months, the seedlings are replanted so as to get more space. Three years after that, the trees are thinned to increase the growth potential. Following this, after fourteen years, the trees are chopped down to prepare the woods for the manufacturing process.  
  
When the woods have been cut into thin slats, they are subsequently treated to prevent them from being rotted. Next, sixty years later, the glue is used to stick the black leads in the groove. It is only after this stage that another slat is put on top to make a sandwich after which the sandwich is hard-pressed whilst heated at the same time. The grooves are then cut into pencils. Finally, the pencils are painted, sharpened and stamped. This is the last process before they get packaged and ready to be sold.  
  
*
Apinan, while you wrote a little over the minimum word count, you need to provide at least 4 paragraphs for the Task 1 essay. Aim to write at least 200 words in order to have a better chance of delivering a fully analytical, informative, and English proficient essay to the examiner. In order to achieve this count, you have to write 5 sentences per paragraph. This will allow you to get the highest possible scoring consideration for all 4 criteria. Your summary overview needs to have a complete representation of the prompt you were given. That means, it has to include the discussion instructions in its presentation. The discussion instruction has to be represented because it is assumed that you are writing a report for someone who will not have access to the information you were given for analysis. I am suggesting that you write the summary paragraph in the following manner.  
  
*A directional illustration was presented for analysis. The procedure covers the manufacturing process of a lead pencil. There are three steps in the manufacturing process namely; planting the trees, manufacturing, and finally, packaging. This essay will explain the process and offer a comparison of similar situations whenever necessary.*  
  
You should be preparing the reader for the change in paragraph presentations, since this is procedural summary presentation, by using transition sentences at the end of each paragraph. The transition sentence must introduce the next step in the process so that the reader is not shocked when the procedure changes or a new topic is introduced in the next paragraph. This will also show the examiner that you have an analytical thought process as you think of how to connect the procedures in an informative manner rather than just talking about stand alone points.  
  
By fully analyzing the procedures and expanding upon your explanations whenever possible you should not have a problem creating a 200 word count, 4 paragraph essay that will score highly.
Kenny , the term "throughout my life" is misplaced. That term is usually used to refer to the lifelong interests or admiration that a deceased person has for another. Try not to use the term "However" too much in the speech. Use a thesaurus to vary the word usage so that you can avoid having reader or listener fatigue set in as you deliver this speech. Use past tense for referencing anything Steve Jobs has done because it has already happened. Saying "he would read his speech from" indicates a future action. He is already dead so the term is "he often read" or "he read his speech from". Look for all the instances where your present and future tenses should be made past tense. There are a number of them in this speech. Go through the paragraphs one by one to locate these errors. Overall, this is an engaging, interesting, and informative speech. However, the problem with the tense usage distracts from the presentation and causes stress on both the reader and the listener. It would be best for you to address that problem in order to create the smoothest possible presentation for your speech.
*Some people claim that not enough of the waste from homes is recycled. They say that the only way to increase recycling is for governments to make it a legal requirement. To what extent do you think laws are needed to make people recycle more of their waste? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
## too many waste

  
  
The effects that human activity has on the environment are enormous. Even recycling has introduced as a way to decrease the waste humans are producing, the amount of people participating is very low. Many are the supporters of the suggestion that governments should place recycling as a legal requirement.  
  
The necessity of recycling is known to everyone, but only a few of us choose to follow it and make it part of our daily routine. Many people find it time consuming or inconvenient to separate their waste into categories and place them into the appropriate bin, while others claim that there are not enough bins provided by the government. But we all agree that is our responsibility to protect our planet and work towards solutions.  
  
Sadly, the truth is that people tend to follow the rules more when they know that there are some consequences. If for example there is a fine they need to pay in case they disobey the rules. By making recycling a legal requirement people might take it more seriously and start being responsible.  
  
Governments already trying to encourage people to be more active and participate in recycling. Many campaigns and educational programs have been raised but still, the impact to people's consciousness is low. Maybe the time has come for stricter solutions to be found, as the environmental problems have become more serious and obvious.
eli, it is unfortunate that your essay cannot score higher than a band score of 2 based on overall scoring considerations. . You cannot be given a higher grade consideration because, although you attempted to present a position in every paragraph, there is a lack of full discussion development and presentation of supporting ideas. The essay is composed of repetitive information that does not really represent any particular side, offer solid evidence to support the topic sentence, which should have been in the form of an opinion, does not represent any personal experience related to the topic as based on the prompt requirements. Due to the under developed presentation and the lack of a concluding statement in the essay, the work you did cannot get even a slightly passing score. The discussion you made was just good enough to address the task in the simplest manner, but not enough to consider it a strong discussion with relevant supporting information. Since this is your first posting at this forum, I will assume that you are just starting your IELTS review at this point. Don't be too disappointed with your score. Persevere and keep practicing so that you can improve your work. If you continue to post your work here, we can collectively help you improve your writing abilities over time.  
  
The main reason your essay failed is because you kept repeating your prompt paraphrase throughout the essay. It shows that you either did not understand the instructions or, you do not have any personal knowledge regarding the given topic. Try to read more English materials in order to increase your English cultural references and current events information. That will help you better prepare for the popular topics normally discussed in the IELTS essay.
@eli00  
I do appreciated your essay, particularly your idea. However, the foremost problem is that you do not successful address Task Achievement in term of the number of word representing more than 250 word. Following this, I found several mistakes such as.  
  
In the first paragraph  
I pointed out several grammatical errors such as  
The amount of people - the number of people (countable)  
... supporters of ~~the~~ suggestion that ... place THE recycling as ...  
  
Secondly,  
... recycling is known OF [ know collocates to OF] everyone.  
a few of us chooseS to follow [the subject is a single 'a few'].  
Many people find it [needed a preposition] time ...  
... our responsibility FOR [Collocation] protectING.  
  
The next paragraph.  
... to pay in case they disobey the rules [you need to break down your sentence with comma in order to distinguish between main clause and sub clause]  
  
Lastly,  
Governments already trying to ...  if you try to make in present continues, you should add Auxiliary such are or were.
## What Makes a Video Go Viral?

  
  
Nowadays, the development of Internet increases rapidly in our daily lives. We are able to gain amount of information immediately through Internet. There are abundant sources such as CNN, BBC, and YouTube. Beside, the video we gained might be accessed from other people and then we might sent it to others, thereby enabling video to have amazing click rate for a short time. However, what are the reasons to make the video go viral? In my opinions, there are three main elements which are knowledgeable, interesting, and attractive might cause the video to become popular.  
  
First of all, we are not limited our learning on the textbooks. In the era of information developed, we gain more and more useful information from videos. There are lots of news and speeches posted on the website. These kinds of videos discuss the specific issue that might sprite one's mine or they contain the important matter that people are focusing. Thus, the video will go viral and be paid more attention around people.  
  
Secondly, the content of the video is very interesting. It must be creative and funny to make people laugh. Under the pressure of work, family or couple, people would like to browse a funny video to release their pressures. Moreover, the interested video is easily to become a topic around peers. The interested video also might be imitated by the group of your friends. Therefore, this is one of reasons to make the video become popular on the Internet.  
  
Thirdly, an attractive video must have the great appearance of actor in the video. Most women like to watch soap opera from Korea because most of actors are handsome and adorable. Furthermore, the performances are close to our daily lives. There are many romantic scenes, thereby enabling young girls and woman to immerse themselves in the video quickly. Therefore, it will become the popular forum on the Internet.  
  
For these reasons, a video can go viral by sharing and passing within people, increasing the click rate within few minutes. We realize that the popular videos have many diverse aspects. Since these popular videos, we are able to understand what kinds of topics that people wander and are willing to spend time on it.  
  
＊I will truly appreciate any suggestions, instructions, and feedback!! Thank you!