dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
The following are some of your grammar mistakes:  
1) ... had better ~~live~~ life? ...  
2) Therefore, the ...  
3) ... homes is ~~quite good~~ I would avoid using words such as good, bad, or a lot of whenever possible. You could use the word "solid" in this case  
  
You should also try to vary your vocabulary a bit more. For example, you can replace take care of with look after.
Hi, friends.  
The ideas and the statements in the following essay are from some articles I studied in our school, so please try not to judge the position of this essay. Instead of really taking a stand, I just used some historical knowledge of the book and wanted to practice writing and form a well structured essay. Please help me improve grammar and word usage and the structure. Thank you!  
  
## a relewant topic based on the picture

  
  
(Please see the attached picture of this writing exercise.)  
  
Since European started their adventure to explore what is called the New World, conflicts between the white and the black have never come to an end. The whites from centralized, stratified, and civilized countries saw the black as barbarians, needing to be enlightened and educated. The conquerors of empires were always superior and the givers who generously taught the racialized inhabitants how to live. But some evidence certainly shows that they are blinded and hardly open-minded toward cultural diversity.  
  
The whites have been dominant for more than two centuries, so the blacks are mostly their target to show their intelligence and generosity. The centralized society produces laws, police system, political bureaucracies, and educational institutions led them to more progress and higher productivity. They possessed abundant of strengths to beat and control the black populations. Throughout the history, they've given out an array of contributions to societies of the blacks: bringing them technological improvement and providing education as well as the holly religion. It seemed that the blacks had nothing in their lives.  
  
However, the greater acceptance and openness of the blacks should not be neglected. The black did not have the power of technology and centralized institutions. People live together like big families that even the big man of the people share everything with members who would be called the "commoners" in the white societies. They tended to view everyone as their brother or sister and be inclusive toward differences. At the beginning, they had no choice but to surrender to the whites. While they gained tolerance to the whites, the whites regarded them as people without wisdom and power to claim lives that could win respect.  
  
The whites generously providing the fruits of their advanced societies do not require nothing. They offered the convenience of being a member of their modern people, meanwhile, they asked for tribute, labors (or slaves) and loyalty for privileged class. No matter how humble or tolerant the blacks are, the white would not really open their mind to appreciate it.  
  
*
伍慧汝, I do not believe that your discussion is being done in the proper context. If you notice, the picture shows a white and black hand clasped together in a show of unity. Yet your discussion is all about racial divisiveness. Based on the picture, if I had written this essay, I would instead, have written about how the racial divide did exist for centuries but then explain how in modern times, the Blacks have finally started to come into their own and have begun to earn the respect of the Whites. Thus having the picture show instead the growing solidarity and lack of racial divide as being the main point of the picture. Then again, that is just my opinion.  
  
By the way, always use the plural term "Blacks" and "Whites", never just "black" and "white" because that simply refers to colors instead of actual people behind the color. Additionally, it is "Europeans", not "European" because your sentence is making reference to numerous adventurers and conquerors in its statement.  
  
While I do like the work that you have written here. I believe that you have focused too much on the ancient history of the relationship between "Blacks" and "Whites". The lack of historical references to your claims made the essay weak. Had you aimed for modern history of the relationship instead, the work would have been better off with the general claims you made in the essay.  
  
Save for some problems with descriptive word usage in the essay, your sentences and paragraphs have an advanced level of English writing feel to it. With continued practice and more familiarity with word usage, you should be able to further increase your English writing skills and analytical abilities.
@Holt  
Hi, Holt  
  
Thank you so much for your comment! Though we had different feelings toward the picture, your idea and frame was much more comprehensive.  
  
Actually, we did additional exercise before writing an essay of this picture. That was giving a 30-50 word description of the picture. The following was the description of mine and showed a feeling different from yours.  
  
"A white hand stretches out prone to hold a black hand, with its index finger imposing a little pressure on the wrist of the black. The white seems to be in the shoes of the black, and the black softly accepts and holds the white's hand and power."  
  
I would like to know that based on this description, would the essay I wrote be better?  
  
I do agree with your advice that I should keep a balance between ancient and modern history. I really concentrated on ancient history too much which I read from articles in class. And like you said, I'm still not good at using proper collocation and descriptive words. I must manage to improve.  
  
Thank you for the suggestion and encouragement. That do help a lot!
## Filipinos are hard workers

  
  
Does age really matter? We Filipinos are known as hard workers. No matter how hard our job and small our compensation is, we ignore the sacrifices we make just to supply our families. Sometimes we tend to go outside the country just to find a stable job that could sustain our "needs and wants". Known as OFW's (Over Seas Filipino Workers). Some mother even choose to babysit someone's child than babysitting their own child, they choose to leave the people they love just for them to eat three times a day. Most of them get abused by their own employer, sometimes it comes to a point that some of them die with no great injustice. Some of us are way beyond the age limit or was furlough and our contributions not enough to sustain our medications. Some of our Senior Citizens have to take care of their own grandchildren for some reasons. We are indeed helpless because of poverty. We were born poor, we lived beggarly and we are going to die broke.  
  
Now as a Filipino most of us cannot afford higher education but some are skilled workers with the help of TESDA. Most skilled workers are middle aged; some of them are 50 to 60 years older and beyond. Now put yourself in their shoe and imagine, if you are skilled you know what to do and you know "how" things work to a job you are willing to be employed and you need money but there is an age limit and you're beyond it. Or you were furlough that your employment position requires younger employee and you desperately needed a job for your expensive medication and thinking you may be beyond the age limit but still is able to work. I certainly disagree about the age limit of 50 to 65 years old as long as they could still be able to work and earn money in a fair way. I think age limit should be 70 years old and beyond because that is the age that a senior citizen should be resting and enjoying.  
  
If we work hard our sacrifices pays off no matter what, if we know our responsibilities, if we grab every opportunities and if we take nothing for granted every hard work always pays off. By believing in our selves being humble and confident, with a little dash of prayer that success and goal we are aiming will be aimed.
Ello, There seems to be a disparity between your title and the focus of your essay. Based upon your title, the concept of the paper should have been a discussion, on general terms of the age limit for hiring employees as it applies to the general population of the world, not just the Philippine workers. If this was not your intention and what you intended to discuss was just the age limitation in the Philippines, then your title, and the accompanying thesis statement for your essay should have indicated that. As it is, your thesis statement is not clear in your first paragraph, nor is the concept or reason for the discussion of the paper. You may want to rethink the overall presentation based upon this observation.  
  
Your discussion of the age limit should have been clear from the start of the essay. By indicating the Philippine worker age concept in the second paragraph, you created confusion as to the actual discussion focus of the paper. What is the point of the OFW in relation to age limitations on employment? What are the age limitations for hiring in your country? What its benefits and drawbacks? Why are you asking "Who is obliged to work"? The concept of the paper may be very clear in your mind but it most certainly not clear in your actual presentation.
*Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
  
At universities and colleges, sports and social activities are just as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.  
  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.*  
  
## Sports, social activities versus classes.

  
  
There have appeared endless discussions over educational contents at college. Some educators suggest that it is of great necessity for colleges to place activities outside the classroom and understanding derived from studying in equal status. Personally, I completely approve of this suggestion.  
  
First of all, what takes my priority is study efficiency. It is widely known that taking part in social activities means that students are able to first-hand expose to numerous situations requiring academic knowledge to resolve. This brings them golden opportunities to practice and apply what they have acquired at schools to real life. Students are certain to build a robust background which is composed of both empirical experience and theories. As a result, they will make much progress in their academic performance. More notably, learners can temporarily set their study aside while joining extracurricular activities. They are likely to release stress and refresh themselves. Because of this, it is possible for them to go back to study with higher productivity. This leads to significant advancement in their study effectiveness. With no doubt, the best way for schools to enhance quality in education is to ponder activities outside the class as important as classes and libraries.  
  
In the second place, skills development is what cannot be left out when considering the essence. It is well noted that due to following sports and social activities, students are engaged in more work in lieu of only fully concentrating on textbooks and assignments. Thus, becoming busier is inevitable for them. Only by more effectively scheduling timetable, are students capable of balancing numerous duties. To this end, their time management skill will be definitely practiced and ameliorated. More importantly, participating in extracurricular activities require learners to communicate and work with others. These new friends are different from each other in many aspects such as personality, background and age. Accordingly, learners have to learn how to communicate in harmony with them. If this occurs, then there is likelihood for learners to considerably promote communications skill. Without doubt, it is advisable for colleges to equip their students with various valuable skills.  
  
In a word, the increase in study efficiency and improvement in personal skills of students are convincing reasons for my approval of the suggestion. It is highly recommended that educators should take my writing into great consideration to make appropriate decisions on educational contents at colleges and universities.
## being poked with a sharp stick called 'truth'

  
  
*Dan Rather, former CBS anchorman, spoke of teachers who help other by being one "who believes in you, who tugs and pushes and leads you to the next plateau, sometimes poking you with a sharp stick called 'truth'." Consider a situation where a teacher, coach, mentor, friend or relative acted in this way towards you.*  
  
My husband was working in the United States of America in a reputed firm and I arrived here on a dependent visa as soon as I got married after completing my bachelors. My husband supported me in my decision of pursuing my masters in education in the US as I dreaded being a housewife and my aim is to be principal in the future. He had already researched the exams that I was needed to appear for to apply for college as well as the colleges offering the course I wanted to apply for. When I saw the curriculum of CSET that I had to study for the exams, I was demotivated and thought of pursuing a masters degree in another field because I did not want to study the lengthy curriculum of elementary school all over again.  
  
But my husband kept pushing me to study harder and also orally asked me all questions to help me revise. After appearing for all exams, I did not clear in three exams. I was really heartbroken because I did not want to study everything all over again and also because this was the first time I had faced failure. I made a decision of not studying ahead. He pep talked me into reappearing for the exams again but I was adamant about my decision. Suddenly, he rose in anger and told me,"if you do not study here, you will be a housewife forever. It is either now or never. You will never be a principal and all your dreams with just be mere dreams and nothing else." His words poked me like a splintered glass. I was broken but after much introspection, I realized that what he told me was the truth as I was taking my exams very lightly and yet had not given my best.  
  
The next morning before my husband woke up, I had registered for all the exams that I had to reappear for. I ordered for more studying materials online and made a timetable that would help me study in order to get the passing score. I started visiting the library to be more studious and spend maximum time studying and practicing for my exam. In all this, my husband was constantly backing me. Soon I appeared for on exam and cleared. But my husband kept me grounded as he reminded me that I still had two more exams to go and we would celebrate only once I clear all the exams.  
  
I was brought to reality by my husband, as I was in another country where I had to follow the rules and achieve my goals. You raise to success from failure. There are so many people whom we look up to like Steve Jobs, Walt Disney or Colonel Sanders but we do not know who was their driving force or mentor. A mentor/guide/coach/teacher is someone who has complete faith in you and pushes you when you become stagnant. For me, my husband is my mentor, guide, coach, and friend. If he had not trusted my capabilities and supported me, I would be sitting at home and wasting this valuable time of my life.
Khushboo, I believe that this essay can score a 3. Again, it will score highly because it is based on a personal narrative. You do not have a problem with the personal narrative. You have a problem with the analytical essay. That is what you should be focused on. Always prepare for the unexpected and focus on your weakness instead of your strengths in your preparations. While you should prepare adequately for the part of the test that you excel in, you should work extra hard on the sections where you are sure to fail, such as the analysis of an event essay. The grammar errors that you have in this essay are minimal, which is is why you still scored near the upper level of the passing score. Some mistakes that you made in this essay are:  
  
My husband was working in the United States of America ... and I arrived here on a dependent visa as soon as I got married after completing my bachelors.  
- This is an unclear declaration. It is impossible for you to have arrived soon after getting married after completing your bachelors. The proper clear representation is "... dependent visa after completing my bachelors."  
  
that I was needed to  
- that I needed to...  
  
The word "But" is a connecting word and is never used to start a sentence. That is a standard English writing rule.  
  
questions to help me revise  
- you are not revising, you are reviewing  
  
These but a few examples of the grammar mistakes that you made in this essay that do not impede understanding of your statement but still shows a severe ESL problem when it comes to your written and spoken English grammar presentations that can affect your teaching style within an ENL setting in an American school.
## Pros and cons of video games

  
  
Topic: *Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that videos games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. In your opinion, do the drawbacks of video games outweigh the benefits?*  
  
Some parents consider video games a helpful mean for entertainment and education, while others claim that their children are under negative influence of computer games. Despite some certain positive effects of these games on users, I argue that they have more disadvantages than advantages.  
  
METHOD 1: 1-IDEA PARAGRAPH  
On the one hand, video games can be helpful in improving the brain's speed. While gaming , the brain receives multiple simulations, both visual and audial. According to research, individuals who play video games frequently can process these simulators faster than others. These simulators ensure that the brain is continuously working to interpret them.  
  
On the other hand, I argue that the benefit above could be outweighed by the drawback. One typical disadvantage is that video games could negatively affect the mental health of the players. Playing electronic games discourages loses the gamers interests to involve in in following their daily routine in normal way such as playing sports or hanging out with friends; thus, they are not fascinated about performing outdoor activities anymore. One striking example of this is the appearance of an interactive game as a form of mobile application called Pokemon Go, which attracts a huge number of youngsters, including children. Unfortunately, this addictive game leads causes the players to be addicted to the point that they ignore traffic their daily routine and even play it when they are on busy streets. As a result, the gamers not only remain in their own virtual world reduced contacts with the outside world and but also bear causes the risks of accidents to not only themselves but also other drivers.
## Global warming issue

  
  
Global warming is a global issue, that has sparked intense debate between the scientists and multinational specialists about the reality of climate change and whether or not these climate changes are brought about by human activity. While multinational specialists argue that global warming is a natural phenomenon and human activity has no role in accelerating the pace of climate change, scientists have come out as winners by presenting facts based on historical trends. Scientist claim that the amount of green house gas emission increased sharply in the post industrialization era. They have gone a step further by demonstrating the adverse impacts of global warming on the planet. Climate change has made the arctic and Antarctica ocean to meltdown, compounding the problems for the environment and habitat. It poses great danger to the survival of many aquatic species, islands and may become the cause of water-borne diseases in future. Therefore collective responsibilities are required to save the planet from warming inordinately. Some of these include: reduction in green house gas emission and moving towards a sustainable clean energy including solar, wind and geothermal energy.
@loveofenglish As I read this introduction, I found it wanting in terms of specific, introductory information. The first missing information would be the definition of global warming. A simple explanation of what it represents, in terms that non-scientific people can understand can help build the foundation of your research. The second aspect you need to present are the two sides of the discussion. You have described what global warming means to people who believe in it. but you did not define what it means to those who oppose this school of thought. Finally, what is the point of your essay? What is your thesis or motivation for this research / essay. What will you be discussing and offering proof of? That global warming exists? If so then explain what makes your presentation different from all the other papers that prove the phenomenon exists. What aspect of the research will you be presenting that has had little light shed on it in the past? What will be the basis of your information? Make your reader care about what you are writing instead of just sounding like a textbook copy of the global warming discussion.
## IELTS General Writing: a friend's visit

  
  
Q:  
You are about to go on vacation for a month. A friend from another town will come and stay in your apartment.  
Write a letter to this friend. In your letter  
-Explain where your friend can get the key to the apartment.  
-Give your friend some instructions about using your apartment.  
-Recommend some places to go.  
  
A:  
Dear Sarah,  
  
Welcome to Pingtung to have your summer vacation, it's really long time no see you! Hope next time we can meet each other in some place.  
  
You must be tired by traveling such a long term trip from Taipei to my home. The key could be taken by my neighbour who lives in number 17 on the same street of my home. Please meet Sonya around 5pm to 9pm, I have already ask her helping to save the key. Sonya is a pretty nice girl and also my best friend in town, I think you both can talk a lot with each other.  
  
After taking the key, you have to open three doors of my home. My cat "LALA" which you have seen in Taipei would welcome you near the entrance. Please take care of and play with him, Lala used to feel lonely if nobody plays with him.  
  
When it comes to travel, food is always the most important thing. There are so many delicious Hakka food in my hometown, but I would recommend you to try the restaurants which is on the top of my list. The restaurant calls "Old Lai Noodle Shop" which is on "No.2 of Cultural Road", you can find it under a greatly huge tree. Old Lai's traditional rice noodle with soup and the fried vegetable are my favorite, and you also can have some Hakka meatball in front of the counter which is made of fresh pork.  
  
I'm glad you would like to visit my hometown, if you have any question, please feel free to ask my mother who just live in front of my home. Enjoy the trip, see you soon.  
  
Best,  
Ying Lai.