dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Mualla, I can't help but smile as I read your essay. It is a far improved version of the draft that we had been working on. There is a more personal feel to the writing. Your sense of reflection has allowed the reader an inside look into the emotions that you felt that day. The lesson that you learned, while others would deem a failure, definitely comes across as a successful activity in your part. How else can we quantify the lessons that you learned and the experiences that helped you to realize that there was a clear earning on your part. Sure it was not monetary in value. It has a far deeper and personal value than any amount of cash in the world. You learned about getting your joy from helping others or sharing the joy you once had with them through the ownership of your previously "loved" items. Good work. The essay really comes across as an easy read and leaves the reader feeling good after completely reading about your "misadventures" at the flea market. For an application essay, I believe the reviewer will see the other side of you, the side that sees a glass half full rather than half empty and that is a trait that will definitely help you succeed during your college life.
Hi Mualla, I believe this is the first time that I'm going to review your essay and I hope you will find this website to be helpful as well as valuable to your writing projects. Here at EF, we do strive to to keep and provide you with the most accurate feedback and comprehensive criticism that will hopefully enhance and strengthen your writing projects.  
  
From the physical attributes of the essay, I must say you need to merge the small or short paragraphs of the essay, this will allow you to showcase a more clean cut project and not only that, it will also create that formality and uniformity of the essay. This means you are able to showcase a larger perspective on where to focus which is going to be on the idea of the essay and not the way the essay is presented.  
  
Overall, it is a well written essay and you should be able to revise the manageable modifications of the essay and should you need further assistance, do let us know and we will be here for you.
@Holt  
Holt I want to thank you for every response you have given me so far. And I COMPLETELY agree about how the writing services change your voice in the essay. So far, I have shown my essay to more than seven or eight people and no one(I'm not exaggerating) has given the feedback you have given me. Thanks. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my new version(hopefully final) of my essay. I have more reflections about myself toward the end of the essay and added and removed a couple parts. Please feel free to give me any suggestions. The harsher the better! Thanks in advance.  
  
True Profit  
  
A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now ...
@Holt  
Please ignore my previous post, my computer started to glitch and it posted before I clicked submit.  
So...about my essay.  
Holt I want to thank you for every response you have given me so far. And I COMPLETELY agree about how the writing services change your voice in the essay. So far, I have shown my essay to more than seven or eight people and no one(I'm not exaggerating) has given the feedback you have given me. Thanks. I would really appreciate it if you could look at my new version(hopefully final) of my essay. I have more reflections about myself toward the end of the essay and added and removed a couple parts. If possible could you go over it and tell me if there is any weak parts to it? Because I went through the essay several times and I do not know if this is a good final draft. Is there room for improvement?  
  
One of my teachers told me that I needed to reflect more on how I would use this lesson in the future and apply it to my future goals.  
  
This is exactly what she said, "ADD DEPTH: The more I reflected on my big flea market adventure, I realized that this wasn't the first time I had discovered hidden joy and lessons in unexpected places. GO INTO other examples here (for a paragraph) Also, you could reflect on how you learned to see the good, and to add more depth, reflect and share WHY IT MATTERS, not only to you and others, but in the world." What do you think about this?  
  
Holt, Thanks for everything.
Mualla, while I understand why your teacher wants you add depth, there is really no reason to add other examples to the essay. The focus of the prompt is on a singular activity and the lessons you learned from it. Therefore, introducing a new activity would introduce a new series of lessons and lengthened your essay unnecessarily. For the depth portion, you can add information as to why you have always wanted to earn money. Maybe you felt your parents weren't giving you enough of an allowance? Or there was an item yo wished to purchase that your parents did not want to buy for you or they encouraged you to buy with money you earned so you would learn the value of money. Either of those reasons would add a more personal angle to the reason behind your joining the fair. If you just remove the reference to being an athlete, but still keep the essence of how you approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee), then the essay will be more informative and reflective in presentation.
Hi Mualla, before I get started on commenting about the revised essay, I would just like to say "Thank You". I received the email that you sent to me via the admin of the forum. It was heart warming to read such appreciation for the work that I do for the students here at the forum. It inspires me to do even better in guiding all of you towards the fulfillment of your college dreams.  
  
Now, for the added information in the essay. The information about the Polaroid camera is good but it lacks a definitive reason for you wanting to pursue the sales at the flea market. The addition of a sentence or two about your parents prodding you to get a job in order to earn money to buy the camera yourself should better explain why you would pursue the enticing advertisement for the flea market at that point. Say something about not knowing what kind of job you could get since you were just a high school student, or something of the sort. So the flyer came in the mail at just the right time.  
  
By the way, are we over the word count yet? Let me know if we are so that we can work on shortening the essay into its final form with the next version. Thanks.
Hi Holt,  
  
As always, I am very thankful to you for all your feedback and contribution my college application process -:)  
  
For the reason part: Do you think I should put it in a more general and broad purpose like the ones below? After your comment, I now think that, yes, just wanting a camera would be a simple and not that much significant reason to connect me properly to the points at the very end. Do you think any of these would fit better?  
  
1-Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to practice independence and self-reliance, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.  
  
2-Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to contribute to family expenses, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.  
  
3-Having always wanted to earn my own money to contribute to family expenses, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.
Mualla, number 2 has potential. You will just have to expand the explanation so that the reviewer will know the exact reason why you had a need, desire, or inclination to help with your family expenses. If you opt to follow this line of reasoning, you will have to adjust all of the parts of the essay that relate to the earnings you made that day. You will have to deliver a sense of disappointment at having to pay the stand fee because you needed to contribute the money to the family. Then you will have to adjust the explanation about the relevance of the empty pouch as well. Sounds like too much work right? Don't feel bad about the adjustments to the content, the essay will carry more weight and deliver an idea regarding your character in the end. By the way, your reason 2 and 3 are so similar that they could have been the same explanation in mere paraphrased form. If you can think of another reason for number 3, I am open to considering it.
Thank you Holt.  
  
So do you mean If I expand the "reason" part only, then I don't need to adjust/change the other parts? OR, if I expand the the "reason" part then I have to adjust all others accordingly?  
  
Not to make it lengthy and not to loose the focus, (becasue my dad is the only person working in a 5-people family ), what do you think if I keep the "reason" as short as this:  
  
"Having always wanted to earn my own money to experience a sense of personal financial achievement and to contribute to my family which has always been on a single income, I seized this opportunity."
Wow! That is an excellent way of explaining your desire to earn money in the most succinct manner. Definitely go with that explanation. It ties everything in the essay together. However, you will still need to make adjustments to the later part of your essay that deals with the way you felt when the stand fee was finally charged in relation to the money you had hoped to contribute to the family expenses that month or for some other specific financial purpose related to family upkeep. Keep the maximum word count in mind as you make the adjustments to the content. I don't think yo will need to change the essay drastically. Just add maybe a sentence or two to the portion that narrates the way the fee was collected and how you felt. Towards the conclusion of the essay, you should also say something about whether you were able to contribute anything at all to the family coffers that month and, what your parents said about your first sojourn in earning money.
Thank you Holt.  
  
What do you think for part adding the sentence: "My contribution was to the larger family where my family lives in."  
  
So I will change  
  
*Although I failed to earn money that day, I gained something much more valuable: the excitement in the small boy's eyes to the smile from the old man. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?*  
  
with  
  
*From the excitement in the small boy's eyes to the smile from the old man, my contribution was to the larger family where my family lives in. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?*
I do not think that will work too well. If you say it that way, you will have to explain how your family lives with an extended family, have to pay your family share of expenses, etc. It would be best to just keep it simple and tell the reviewer that your father is the single income earner in your family so sometimes, your finances take a hit and you often feel like you want to help out but did not have any way of doing so. Then the flea market opportunity came along and allowed you a chance to help out. Don't make the essay too informative. Just present the basic facts. The last thing you want to do is go over the word limit and then have to review and edit the essay for content all over again. Your first presentation was fine. The method of adjusting the other parts of the essay have already been indicated within this post of mine.
Thank you Holt.  
  
Actually, by saying the "larger family" I meant "the Community" not an extended family. Meaning, I am a member of my family, my community and my country. I couldn't contribute to my family but did to my community=larger family.  
  
What if I change it like this: "Although I did not bring home money that day, I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community." What do you suggest for this sentence?
Yes. I think that will work just fine with the previous portions of the essay because you will have justified the loss of income as being offset by the growth of your relationship with the community. It turns the whole event into a life changing experience instead of a losing bid to make money for yourself. You basically made more in terms something that money cannot buy and that is the fact that you got to know your community and you were able to contribute to the joy and happiness of the members of the community that day. When you say it that way, as in, it is self-explanatory, you no longer need to adjust any other portions of your essay. So I believe that this essay is now ready for you to use. I mean, that is if you feel that you have done the best that you can to make the essay shine as I believe that you have done.
@Holt  
  
*Good Morning Holt. Thank you for all your review and feedback.  
  
I wrapped the last paragraph like below adding a pearl-analogy.  
  
Could you please take a look at it to see if everything fits?*  
  
So, my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. As a take away from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal, I veer myself toward a positive attitude and strive for the best outcome. Internalizing this principle drove me to seek the same positivity in other areas of my life. Last year, when my volleyball team lost eight games in a row, I was not demotivated because I began to value my progress over time more than just winning or losing. Likewise, when I was working as a waiter at Ant Cafe, I approached tough situations, like frustrated customers, with resilience and treated problems as a learning process. I see failures as irritants in life just like pearls form in an oyster because of an irritation; no irritant, no pearl. Those "irritants" have positive opportunities hidden in them that trigger my inner-self energy. I am now able to look at things from a different perspective to see new possibilities. Although I was not able to contribute to my family expenses, I contributed to a larger family: my community. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?
And a good morning to you too Mualla. I hope you are having a good day. The pearl statement is fine. What I don't understand, is why you felt the need to introduce new scenarios into the essay that will make the reviewer change his concentration from the story that you told, which is highly relevant to the closing statement that you are making, to the addendums in the story. There is actually no need for you to further expound upon the information that you have already presented. The essay is complete as it is. You just needed to close it on a strong note. So going directly to the pearl discussion would have sufficed. There would not have been any prompt deviation and the interest of the reviewer would have remained focused on the lesson behind the story. If you still can, please delete the references to the Ant Cafe, your volleyball team and games, and the frustration of clients. Keep only the following portions to close your essay with:  
  
*So, my empty pouch ... I see failures as irritants in life just like pearls form in an oyster because of an irritation; no irritant, no pearl...I have made a big profit?*  
  
Try it for yourself. I bet you will see how the essay will manage to become stronger and close on the most powerful note that it can.
@Holt  
  
Hi Holt,  
  
Yes now I just read the essay without those references, and the essay definitely sounded much better! Just as a side note, I looked back at our previous conversations, I think it was post 13, that you suggested that I remove the reference of being an athlete, but still keep the part about how I approach tough situations (referring back to the unexpected stand fee). Do you suggest I do it that way or do you think that this version(on the bottom) is better? My intention of putting such situations into the essay was to show the reader that I was able to apply what I learned to everyday situations and to answer this part of the prompt: "How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?" I can for sure see that your suggestions make the essay better but I wanted to ask you once more just to be sure.  
  
So, my empty pouch remains on my desk. Looking at it, I am reminded that there is something good in every day; it just needs to be discovered. As a take away from the fair, when I find myself in positions that are less than ideal I veer myself toward a positive attitude and strive for the best outcome. Just as pearls form in oysters because of irritations, so now I notice positive opportunities that might potentially be hidden in failures. I learned to look at situations from a different perspective. Although I failed to contribute to my family expenses that day, I was able to contribute to a larger family: my community. In retrospect, I am glad that I was not aware of the stand fee. Otherwise, how else would I have made a big profit?
Mualla, you can go ahead and use this version of the closing statement if you wish to. It is just as good as the last one, with the removed reference to athletics. Wait. scratch that. Use this version in totality instead. It has a smoother flow and more relevant "How did it affect you?" response.  
  
Let me clarify something for you at this point. With regards to the "How did it affect you?" portion of the essay, does not refer back to instances that are not connected with the current discussion. Focus on the event that happened, which is the fair and what you learned from the climax (the stand fee), and how that lesson has affected your current attitude, outlook, and ability to deal with the difficulties and unexpectedness of everyday life. So the athletics part really doesn't factor in to the essay in a fluid, unforced, attention deviating manner.
Hello Holt,  
  
I just wrapped up my essay and I was just going to ask if you could take a look at this *hopefully* final version. What do you think of it? Do you think I should change any grammar, word choices, or anything of the sort? Maybe any content error?  
  
## TRUE PROFIT

  
A small, empty pouch sits on my desk. Every now and then, I glance in its direction and smile. Ironically, its emptiness fulfills me. The pouch inspires me to see the positive in every aspect of my life, starting with my experience at a flea market fair.  
  
On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my family expenses ...
Mualla, in the second paragraph, you need to make reference to your father being the single income earner of the family before your make reference to how your family stretches a dollar and wishing to contribute to your sister's medical treatment. The way that paragraph sounds at the moment, without that reference, it seems like your family is so destitute that the fair was the only way that an income for the needs of the family could be made. You need to correct that misconception. Once you add the information about your father, the essay will be all set for you to use, even without my approval. Everything else in the essay is all set and ready to go. Best of luck with your application. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
You too Holt!  
  
Dd you mean like this? Please don't repeat almost the same text in more than one place.  
  
I just want to know that the essay is complete from you because I respect your suggestions the most.  
  
On a Saturday morning last summer, a flyer came in the mail that read: "New Jersey Flea Market Fair - Sell your items and earn money. No registration needed!" I have always wanted to contribute to my single-income family because I saw how far a dollar went toward bare essentials as well as my sister's scoliosis therapy costs. So, I seized this opportunity and started to gather items I could sell.
Exactly. do you see how the addition of the term "single-income family" helped to explain more about the compelling reasons behind your desire to join the flea market? Doesn't it help to add to the objective and importance of what you tried to do? I think that it also added to the drama that was imparted to the reader when you were told about the stand fee. If you don't mind, I would like to suggest that you bring the sense of how you felt upon paying the stand fee into the paragraph that you wrote about it. Add something about how your dreams of helping with the finances were immediately dashed when you saw how much was left of your earnings after paying the fee. This will add some drama to the statement and make the realization of the joy that you brought others more marked because of the almost extreme loss on your part. The story then comes full circle and can be logically ended in the manner that you have developed. Sorry about the additional work. Let me know if it will still work with the word limit or not. If it works, then don't tell me anymore. Just use the essay. If you have a problem with the word count, I'll help you out.
You are absolutely right Holt, thank you. I don't know how I removed that important detail. For the "adding little drama" part, do you think changing this:  
  
What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. As I handed over the hefty payment, I felt empty, like I had finished a movie with an abrupt ending. All of my earnings were gone.  
  
with this would fit?  
  
***What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence. As I handed over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I felt empty, like finishing a movie with an abrupt ending.***  
  
And also:  
Do you think removing *"All of my earnings were gone"* is a good idea? My concern is the reader might not know the fee almost was as much as the earnings. Do you think it's clearly understood from the context? Or should I put it back?
Mualla, use the second version. The one that you highlighted in the presentation the above thread. But after the realization that there was a stand fee and you handed over the payment, insert the dialogue about all your earning being gone. That is, you have to place it before the comment about buying the brace for your sister and the movie with the abrupt ending. I think the addition of the sentence in that particular position will heighten the sense of realization in the essay. Also, making a clear reference to the stand fee being almost as much as your earnings will help to support the claim that you could no longer afford to help buy the brace for your sister, so make sure the include that clarification as well. I think we just need one more read through before the essay becomes ready to submit. Good job on this essay. You have come a very long way since we first started working on it.
Thank you very much Holt.  
  
What about this:  
  
*What? A stand fee? I was stunned into silence seeing that my earnings were barely enough for the fee. As I handed over the hefty payment, I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed. I felt empty, like finishing a movie with an abrupt ending.*  
  
And also, is the word "dream" to BIG here? If yes, do you think changing "I realized my dream to help to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister was dashed" with the one below might be better?  
  
*"I realized my hope helping to purchase a scoliosis brace for my sister would not be fulfilled."*
Well, I vote for the first version that you posted because the word "dream" signifies the reason as to why you joined the flea market in the first place. There was an ambition to help the family, specifically your sister who required your financial help at the time. Therefore, keeping the word in would not be too big. It would just be sufficient enough to emphasize the hope that was lost the moment that you paid for the fee. I hope that you are keeping the maximum word count in mind as you do these changes. You may lose track of the number of words and have to edit for word count all over again. Take note of it and make sure not to go over the maximum count.