Jea, since you have repeated the same mistakes from your previous essay, I will refrain from commenting on those so as not to waste time and space. I will however, advice you that when you receive corrections from a contributor, you are expected to apply the corrections in the succeeding essays.  
  
As you admitted, you wrote this essay right after your first post, but there was a lag in the time when you received the advice based on the first essay and the posting of this new one. So, why then did you not correct the mistakes as pointed out in the previous essay? The advice given was more based on the presentation mistakes that you made. Therefore, it appears that you are disregarding the advice being given to you by the professional contributors here and that really appears to me as you not being serious about improving your work.  
  
You should have applied the corrections to this essay before you submitted it. That will show me, as the professional contributor that you are taking the advice seriously and that you know how to properly apply it to your work. Please do not do that again. Otherwise, as an experienced and professional contributor, I will be constrained to stop reviewing your work. At that point, you will only receive non-professional general and grammar correction advice from fellow users, who are also just studying how to use the English language and preparing for their test just like you, which will not be of much help in improving your work based on scoring considerations.  
  
You cannot use a 4 format essay in the Task 2 essay because the C&C section REQUIRES a 5 paragraph format. You will lose points for writing less than 250 words and writing less than 5 paragraphs as that automatically indicates an under developed essay discussion. You will not be able to show the reviewer your true English skills and potential as a student with less than 5 paragraphs. Only the Task 1 essay, that does not require a conclusion, is expected and required to have a 4 paragraph presentation due to the lower word count requirement.  
  
In your presentation, you need to add the suffix -ly to form a proper adverb from the adjective you are using. You cannot say "I strong agree" but rather use the adverb form by saying "I strongly agree" this depicts the "degree" of agreement or disagreement with the given statement. There is also no need for you to add the opinion sentence at the end. That should be part of the topic sentence in the body paragraph. The opening statement must stick to being a proper paraphrase and thesis presentation only. No discussions allowed due to sentence number constraints.  
  
Good job using personal experience in the defense of your opinion. This shows a clear understanding of the prompt and how it applies to the popular culture of today. Examiners tend to rate essays that use personal experience higher than the other discussion formats because this format clearly shows the depth of your English comprehension skills in terms of the given discussion topic and discussion instructions.  
  
You did a bad job in mentioning a specific country in the essay. That is racist and should not be included in the essay. A general reference and tone is always best in order to avoid possibly offending the examiner, who may be of mixed descent and may take offense at your choice of words and example in the presentation. While it may sound right to you, proper writing etiquette and decency as well as respect for others and other cultures must be represented in your discussion as well.  
  
Your conclusion continues the discussion of the essay with new information, thus creating an open ended essay which will reduce your TA scoring potential. The 5th paragraph is always the concluding summary. That is how you write the 5 paragraph essay.