dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## exposing to a second language early

  
  
**Some experts believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school.  
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
According to some scientists, children should start exposing to a second language when they are still in primary school, rather than in middle school. In my opinion, this suggestion offers more benefits than drawbacks.  
  
To begin with, getting children expose to a new language from the age 6 to 10 can help them readily be absorbed the language. This statement is completely true because there was a scientific proof from Rutger University in New Jersey which also indicated that the earlier a child get into a second language, the better grasp for that language of them in their later life. In addition to that, this research also claimed that multilingual youngsters were more likely to be more intelligent than those who were monolingual due to the minor differences in their brain structures. Thus, children should learn another language the sooner the better.  
  
Another positive impact is that when a youngster learn a foreign language at early a age, he or she can obtain big advantages in their adult life. Nowadays, numerous companies prefer employing employees who know more than one language, thus those candidates will be much more priviledged since they will be placed in important positions in a company. Therefore, these individuals have opportunites to earn high salary about two thousand dollars per month. Moreover, people who can speak various languages can travel anywhere in the world without facing language barrier.  
  
In conclusion, it is said that children ought to learn a second language in elementary school instead of waiting until secondary school. I believe the pros of this obviously outweigh the cons because of its major benefits.  
  
I am going to take the IELTS soon and I transfered this essay from my written paper. Please give me a band score about this one. Any suggestions will be highly appreciated. Thank you.
@sillyman2000  
**A couple of notes to consider:**  
1. Be wary of your sentence construction.  
2. When you're mentioning numbers, it is more appropriate to write it out rather than using the numbers themselves.  
3. Evade using insignificant/unnecessary words to optimize the space you have for your essay.  
4. Instead of giving out general statements, it would be better if you could specialize or create more specific content that is tailor-fit to your essay. Doing this will help you have more structure in your essay.  
  
5. Watch out for complex sentences that do not generate substantial output for your essay.  
6. While transition lines are generally acceptable, it would be alright if you can omit them - especially if you prefer having a more organic transition between your sentences.  
  
**Let's revise a couple portions of your essay in response/application to/of these notes.**  
  
**For instance, in your second paragraph:**  
Exposing children to a new language from age six to ten will help them absorb it. A scientific experiment from Rutger University in New Jersey had proven that the earlier a child learns a second language, the better grasp they would have of it. In addition, the research claimed that multilingual people are more likely to be more intelligent compared to monolingual individuals because of differences in brain structures. Thus, it would be better for children to learn the language sooner.\*  
  
*\*This last concluding paragraph could be revised to display a different summation of the entire content. In here, you merely repeated what you had mentioned in the initial parts of the paragraph. What you may instead do is try to articulate the idea that the development of a child's brain would result to more long-term benefits. Having these details is crucial if you want more depth in your writing.*  
  
Keep these in mind as you are rereading and revising. Best of luck!
THE NUMBER OF SINGLE-FAMILY HOMES CONSTRUCTED IN THE US BY REGION OVER A PERIOD OF SIX YEARS  
  
The line graph illustrates the number of single-family houses built in various regions of the United States over a period of six years from 2006 to 2012. According to the graph, there was a significant decrease in the number of houses constructed in different areas of the United States at various time, most of the regions seem to follow the same rising and falling trends.  
  
There is a significant difference in the number of houses built in each region. As can be seen, the South had the highest figure for new residences, while the Northeast had the least number of homes out of the four regions. After 2010, the number of new homes in the West continued to fall and get the lowest number out of the four areas.  
  
The figure for new residences in different areas changed over each year, tend to decrease over six years. The highest number of new houses built in 2006 in all regions and three out of the regions get the lowest point in 2010. Most regions had the number of homes decreased significantly in 2006 and hit the lowest point in 2010, then surged slightly or remained constant until 2012.  
  
Thankyou for your feedback.  
  
*
@hellomango  
Evade unnecessary data. In addition, ensure that you make your sentence construction concise and technical as much as possible because it'll benefit your entire essay. This is especially important if you are writing informative essays that are analytical.  
  
**Let's take a look at your essay and deconstruct a few portions.**  
  
There are instances wherein you cam omit particular data, especially if you are repeating them already. Having hold of this technique will let you develop your ideas in a clearer manner because you would not waste time merely repeating the same things.  
  
**This was observed in your first paragraph; I would revise this portion as:**  
  
The line graph illustrates the number of single-family houses in the United States from 2006 to 2012. In a period of six years, there was a significant decrease in the construction of houses in various periods of time. *Fluctuations* persist.  
  
Notice how I had restructured the paragraph to make sure that I do not repeat the same terminologies (not unless necessary). Using appropriate terminologies *(ie. saying fluctuations persist instead of fully describing the trend as both mean the same thing)* is also important.  
  
Keep these in mind as you are editing. Best of luck!
Hi hellomango,  
  
1. Always include the original question. You are likely to be judged on how properly you paraphrase the question (in the opening paragraph)  
2. Avoid using "According to the graph". It means that somebody said something but in this case, it's you who analyze the graph and come out with a general statement.  
  
3. Run-on sentences in the Overview paragraph. Seperate the two independent clauses with a comma or combine with a conjunction.  
4. You failed to "specify" or go into detail in the body paragraphs, which means you did not include any statistic/ number (which can be easily seen on the graph). For example, in Body 1, when comparing the South and the West, it's imperative that you present specific numbers (to prove the statement).  
  
5. Revise sentence types and structures. You made several mistakes regarding this and it made both your CC and GR suffer.
## new language education for kids

  
  
Some expert believe that it is better for children to begin learning a foreign language at primary school rather than secondary school  
As far as education is concerned, especially learning a foreign language, there is an idea that I mostly gravitate to : it's.... school" for some of following reason  
  
First of all, primary children have a higher amount of time than secondary school which is a great benefit. The cirriculum at primary consist only 5-6 for all week. Most children only learn half day so they can seperate and divide their time appropriately to learn new language in the afternoon or night.  
  
Last but not least, the cognitive system of children is surprsingly faster and sensitive to new skill than adolescents. As soon as new thing is learned, it is nutured and embedded in the brain of children in a lasting and stable way throughout their lives. The learning process of older is much more time- consuming and effective. For instance, children take 1 hour to learn 20 vocabulary whereas secondary students spend up to 2 hour to learn by heart and forget it in the follwoing day.  
  
To sum up I strongly believe that learning should begin at an as early stage as possible. Above all, when you are still a little boy or girl you should be aware of the urgence of learning and developing yourself through not only language but also soft skills and so on
@Dang Ngoc  
Watch out for your grammatical errors. Most of them are technical mistakes. I recommend that you try to use languages that are more appropriate for this essay. As this is an informative essay, it warrants that you should also have similar composition for its purpose. In addition, omit words that are unnecessary for building your content.  
  
**For instance, in your first paragraph:**  
  
Experts believe that children better learn foreign languages at primary school rather than secondary school. [...]  
  
Notice how removing the word some does not necessarily change the meaning of the sentence. When you can determine these words, it will help you create more strategic sentence structures.  
  
**Let's take a look at other portions of the essay.**  
  
Errors are sporadically seen throughout your essay.  
  
Restructure your essay in a better light through refining the forms of the words that you have.  
  
**If we take a look at your third paragraph, it should be:**  
  
Last but not the least, children's cognitive system\* is faster and more sensitive to new skills compared to adults. [...]  
  
*\*Placing children before cognitive system and allocating ownership is a great way to help you trim down your word count.*  
  
Consistency is key when you're writing. Notice how I mentioned faster alongside more sensitive as they both require a sense of being more than what was previously in the situation. Doing these things is a sure way of creating more appropriate substance.  
  
*Best of luck!*
## Raising tax on junk food products

  
  
**In some countries, an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for the government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
In contemporary life, enjoying a huge amount of junk food has gained in popularity and made a paradigm shift in health issues. Although it seems highly reasonable for the government to introduce a stricter policy on this kind of food, I firmly contend that the drawbacks are more significant.  
  
On the one hand, there are some reasons why policy makers enact the higher tax on this instantly-served food. To begin with, it is obviously clear that fast food industries bring the big number of profit regardless of causing health problems for consumers such as obesity or heart diseases. To be specific, there are more and more KFC or Lotteria which are invested by both onshore and offshore in order to satisfy with an increasing number of demands. Nevertheless, although almost customers understand deeply what dangerous the junk food is, they still afford it because of the fact that fast food is definitely served immediately and conveniently for not only take-away but also stay-to-eat. As a result, the problems may become worse unless the government takes strong actions.  
  
One the other hand, I strongly believe that the tax of the fast food should not be raised. First, this would be a hard punch to the country's business and finance if that policy was approved. To explain, many people would lose their jobs because of no investors, which might relate to other industry fields. Second, although junk food compromises our health, nobody can deny not only its advantages like convenience but also its good taste. Besides, the government should take alternative policies like either educating dwellers about the harm of junk food or encouraging organic food to be developed widely in order to decrease a number of people who are badly effected by junk food.  
  
In conclusion, while there are benefits from the increase on tax on the fast-food industries, it seems to me that this would be better if the government considered the other solution such as the above idea about having organic food broaden vastly.
@anchen259  
Evade unclear sentence construction. This creates unnecessary wordings in your essay that would cloud its overall meaning. What I recommend is a more straightforward approach to writing, especially if you are working within the constraints of word count. On top of this, using appropriate words (based on context of your sentence) are necessary.  
  
**For instance, in your introductory paragraph, I recommend phrasing things as:**  
  
Junk foods have been gaining popularity in the modern world, causing the rise of health concerns. Although it is reasonable to introduce stricter policies for resolution, I firmly believe that the drawbacks have to be considered.  
  
[...]  
  
It can also be noticed in your second paragraph. In your second sentence here, you could have said here that *the profit-oriented nature of the fast food industry makes them less concerned about the unhealthy composition of their products*. Instead of doing this, you used terms such as *bringing in large number of profit* or mentioning that *it is an obviously clear issue*. Eradicating these unnecessary terms is crucial.  
  
Best of luck!
@KeithSun  
I commend your writing skills. It's appreciated how you are able to merge together short and lengthy sentences to create a more dynamic flow in the essay. Aside from this, I do have a few recommendations to polish your essay.  
  
First and foremost, I suggest that you try to omit words that do not add to the substance of the essay. This is not to say that you should evade using adjectives - rather, it means that you should try to create concise sentences that do not have repetitive thoughts. This will help you avoid being non-linear in your writing.  
  
For instance, in the second paragraph, you kept mentioning social media and digital communication over and over again. This has caused the essay to have unnecessary length that dragged its overall value. I would recommend that you try to lessen these words, or perhaps you can use more concise languages. Synonymous terms will also help. If you cannot find them, try to merge these terms (ie. social media and digital communication can be interpreted as media-based communication which is less lengthy of a term).  
  
Apart from this, I would suggest that you try to be more cautious of your sentence construction. In your second to the last paragraph, I have noticed how you have a tendency to have disorganized thoughts (meaning your sentences no longer follow a structural flow - instead, they appear as though floating thoughts that you just write as you think about them). Polishing your thoughts alongside creating a specific outline would help you resolve this.  
  
Best of luck!
## THE 50'S FAMILY AND TODAY'S

  
  
*Topic: With the number of divorce rates skyrocketing recently, it is commonly believed that families are not as close as they were fifty years ago.  
  
Discuss the causes of this problem and offer some possible solutions to it.*  
  
These days, it seems that more and more couples are divorcing than fifty years ago. This raises certain uncertainty about the issue of the relationship of couple. In this essay, i will plan to discuss the reason of the issue and also offer some viable solution to it.  
  
In the past, men assumed to be the one who needed to earn money from work, while women were supposed to stay at home and to look after children. In recent times, however, the cost of living has become much more expansive than ever before, it requiring both of the parents to go to work for the money, therefore, the stress on them has become unbearable. The more argue between couples, the more number of divorce rates increased.  
  
In order to solve the problem, i believe that we must first address its root causes. Perhaps the most effective method to solve this problem would be to help from the government. The government would provides some allowance to certain families. For example, the government could provides particular allowance depending on how many children the family needs to take care of.  
  
Although the problem is by no means insurmountable, it is unlikely that it will be solved in the foreseeable future. However, i believe that the solution outlined above would constitute a good first step.
Firstly, I think you need to improve your grammar. For example: in the thesis statement, you can say: "In my opinion, I will point out several reasons causing this problem and give some solutions to improve the status".  
  
Secondly, in the second paragraph, it is necessary to put a clear topic sentence to attract readers. You can say: "I think there are some reasons that are attributed to high divorce proportion in recent years. The first reason is that ...." And you should give some more reason to make your essay more persuasive.
Try to utilize more **academic structures** when you are writing. Briefly, this only means that you should try to omit phrases that are quite uncertain. Instead, you should try to be as informative as possible.  
  
**Keeping these in mind, let's revise a couple portions of your text.**  
  
Compared to fifty years ago, the rate of divorce has been increasing. This raises uncertainties about the establishment of relationships. This essay will discuss the reasons why and present viable solutions.  
  
Notice how I was able to establish synonymous content with yours while cutting down the number of words. This is pivotal when you are writing academically because of all the restrictions in place.  
  
Furthermore:  
  
In the past, men earned money through working, while women stayed at home to look after their children. Due to the rising cost of living, both parents are now forced to work. This has caused an increase in stress levels among couples, resulting to separation and divorce.  
  
**In the succeeding paragraph, note that you should eliminate words that imply lack of in-depth knowledge on the issue.** For instance, you should say that your proposition is an effective solution rather than saying that it could be the most effective method. The former implies an academic assertion, while the latter is quite indecisive and uninformative.  
  
Moreover, revise these lines into:  
[...] The government is mandated to provide financial compensation to families that need it. For example, they can form a criteria that determines eligibility including the number of children a family has. [...]  
  
Keep these in mind the next time you are writing. Try to be clearer with the intent, structure, and the thesis statements of your essay. Best of luck!
An increasing number of professionals such as doctors and teachers are leaving their own poorer countries to work in developed countries.  
  
What are the problems associated with and some possible solutions?  
  
Please give me feedback.  
  
## Exodus of doctors and other specialists

  
  
Professionals such as doctors and teachers from undeveloped countries are migrating to work in more developed countries. Due to this, poorer nations will struggle to develop, which will negatively affect the economy of the country. To tackle the issue, their government should offer better working conditions to them.  
  
The foremost problem faced by poorer nations due brain drain, in the fields such as medical science and education, is that they will struggle to develop and find difficult to boost the economy of the nation. The host country invested a lot of money on the education of these professionals, but they do not back anything in return and migrate to rich countries when their turn comes. As a consequence, these nations face the crisis of the economy, and remain undeveloped with respect to education and medicines.  
  
In order to address this problem, the government should encourage these professionals to stay there by offering them a better working conditions. This can be done by allocating additional budget towards these professions and increase their wages to a competent level because they deserve it for their hard work in these fields. For example, Canada, one of highest paying nations for doctors, to maintain the level of service, therefore, their doctors are not immigrating to any other country.  
  
In conclusion, although developing nations face a variety of problems and one of them is deterioration in development due to migration of professionals, this problem is not insurmountable. In my view, it is the government responsibility to tackle that issue by offering a pleasurable working environment, they should begin by considering one of the proposed solutions above.
@sappi  
Avoid redundant words. When you are writing within word counts, being precise is vital because it will determine how much you can optimize the space of your essay.  
  
Restructure your sentences in a way that will help you develop your thoughts in a more straightforward manner.  
  
**Let's look at your first paragraph. I would revise the lines as:**  
  
Doctors, teachers, and other professionals from underdeveloped countries migrate to developed countries for work. This leads to economic degeneration in their home countries. [...]  
  
Notice how I tried to strategically use terms (specifically in the second sentence) that would lead to this portion. Doing this will enhance your content immensely.  
  
Moreover, I also recommend that you try to be more specific when you are curating content.  
  
**For instance, in the second paragraph's introductory lines:**  
  
The initial problem faced by these countries is brain drain in the sciences and educational sectors. This has led to economic struggles because of lack of technological development. [...]  
  
Notice how I had followed through with what happened *(brain drain)* and how it happens *(tech development is hampered)*. Having these small descriptions would help *hammer down your content.*  
  
Remember these comments as you are writing. *Best of luck!*