dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hello  
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion  
  
The breakdown of information about [....] dropped dramatically over the timeframe shown.  
(you have done well, yet I think it is better if you mention the kind of food, you can also mention the highest and the smallest)  
  
... whilst Hamburgers rose slightly in(at) the end of the period.  
On the other hand, Fish and Chips started at 100 consumption of fast food in 1975,...........  
(you can also describe the former data, which one at the first, second and third place then compare with the latest data, it will make your essay more attractive)  
  
Good luck and keep writing :)
**The chart below give information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who wanted to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006 and 2008.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The bar chart illustrates the number of Bulgarian community which move to live overseas by education level in 2002, 2006, and 2008. As a general trend, in those years the highest level of education which go abroad was taken by secondary school. Higher, primary, and lower education have similar trend each year, except in 2008 which primary and low education higher than education.  
  
About 17 percent of students in 2002 get higher education in another country. Meanwhile, in 2006, it was a stead increased to 20 percent. After two years later, the number of students who got higher education dropped to 9 percent.  
  
Secondary education got the biggest number of Bulgarian people education level from 2002 to 2008. Even though, the number has decreased gradually by 65 percent in 2002 to 59 percent in 2008. For primary and lower education, it was showed upward trend. It was started from 2002 by 18 percent and got the highest in 2008 by 32 percent.  
  
*
**It is pointless making children who lack artistic talent learn painting and drawing in Art classes at school. Instead, they should concentrate on other creative and practical subjects which they may have more aptitude. To what extent do you agree or disagree?**  
  
Some might think it is useless to push children who do not have any interest on painting and drawing in Art classes at school as it is better for them to focus on other creative and practical lesson that they really love. This essay would totally disagree to such idea because it is too early for children to decide what kind of subject that really loved by them and it is useful for them to develop their imagination by learning art.  
  
It has commonly believe that children should not be pushed on learning something as they may be have their other favorite subject that is more important to learn, but considering their young age, they still need guidance from adults to decide what kind of subject would be loved by them in the future. This statement stand on the actual fact that some adults, who do not love art at their young age, are regretting their past as they do not quite satisfied with the current subject they pursue and are start loving art subject. For instance, the study conducted by Australia Government in 2010 revealed that 75% of adults regret their incompetence to express their feeling by drawing or painting art as they are not willing to learn those subjects while they are at school. Therefore, it is true that children do not yet have sufficient ability to determine what kind of subject that may be really useful for them in the future so that they need guidance from adults.  
  
It also cannot be denied by drawing and painting people are easier to express their imagination. Not everyone is a good painter but every single person, who can paint, is more creative and imaginative than others. A recent research conducted by California University shows as much as 63% of people could paint or other art subjects are more creative and imaginative to solve their life problem. Hence, even if children do not love art lessons, it is important for them to learn the subject.  
  
To conclude, children need to learn art together with other creative and practical subjects as they are still young so that they still need guidance from adults on what kind of subject that really useful for them in the future and the art subjects are important to widen their imagination. Where possible, the adults should give more attention and understanding for their children so that they are willing to learn art without force.
Overall, I think that your structure is good, the coherence is good, and the idea is well developed.  
As I'm reading through your text I feel that you are guiding me, influencing me to your idea/opinion.  
However the conclusion is not well executed. Is it because of time restriction?  
I feel the  
  
Paragraph 1  
- ...really loved by them. (they really loved)  
  
Paragraph 2  
- ...important to learn, -stop/dot- but considering...  
(it is too long and they are not supposed to be put together. you should put a stop before continuing to the reasoning)  
- This statement stand on the actual fact that some adults, who do not love art at their young age, are regretting their past as they ...  
  
(i think it could be better to use the structure "...that some adults who do not love art at their young age to regret..."  
  
what you are trying to do is giving more explanation like those in the articles in magazine which usually using  
"- extra information / personal opinion sentence-")  
  
Paragraph 3  
just personal subjective preference,  
- ...who can paint...  
(everyone can paint, so i think the right word is "...everyone who paints, are..")  
  
Paragraph 4  
-practical subjects as (when) they are still young (stop/dot) ~~so that they still~~ (However, they still) need guidance from adults on ...
**The chart below give information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who wanted to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006 and 2008.  
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The chart shows about the percentage of education steps for Bulgarian society who wanted to stay and growth in the abroad foreign in 2002, 2006 and 2008. Overall, it can be seen that over two-year's period, the percentage of people who have secondary education was higher than others and it has decreased slightly trend.  
  
The people who have senior education fluctuated over two-year's period. In 2002, society with higher education was at 17 percent. After two years, it was a gradual increase at 20 percent in 2006. Then, it fell extremely at 9 percent in 2008. Besides that, the society who have junior education was at 65 percent in 2002. Furthermore, it was a slight decrease at 61 and 59 percent in 2006 and 2008 respectively. The last category is people who have elementary school. It was 18 percent in 2002, followed by increase slowly at 19 percent in 2006 and it rose significantly at 32 percent in 2008. Between 2002 and 2006 people who have education levels in primary and lower was the second greatest after higher education.
Hello Willy!  
Allow me to give you some suggestion :)  
  
...and it has decreased slightly ~~trend.~~ (showed downward trend).  
I think t will better if you make a comparison by using "but"  
... people who have secondary education was higher than others but it showed downward trend over those years.  
  
..., it was a gradual increase**d**at 20 percent in 2006 . Then, it fel**t** extremelyat 9 percent in 2008.  
... have junior education was at 65 percent in 2002.  
... by increase slowly at 19 percent in 2006 and it rose significantlyat 32 percent in 2008 .  
  
*There are so many presence of number in same style. Try to make it by comparison or devation.  
Past tense*  
  
Keep fight Willy!  
Break a leg :)
Hello Miss Willy :)  
Let's discuss your summary :)  
  
The chart shows ~~about~~ => (redundant preposition ) the percentage of education ~~steps~~ for Bulgarian ~~society~~ => (Bulgarian is include the meaning of citizen, society, people of group and etc .) who wanted to stay and ~~growth~~ in the ~~abroad~~broad foreign in 2002,...  
  
=> Better if you use similar words such as degree or level than "steps "  
=> growth => I think this words not suitable for your passage. Seemingly make your passage become odd meaning.  
  
Well miss Willy :) Keep Practice :)
Hi Faith. by coming to use for help, you are showing a desire to develop the best essay that you can submit to your teacher. So, you were provided with the prompt and you have already written your response to it. Why didn't you post the essay here along with your plea for help? We can help you better once you have uploaded your essay to this thread. Don't start a new one, just upload the essay after my response to you. After you do that, we can analyze it for content and use the prompt as a guide in studying you work. It is only then that we can offer solid advice as to how to further improve the content of your response. We will be waiting for the essay because we are eager to help you out.
***The chart below gives you information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who wanted to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006, and 2008.***  
  
The chart shows information about educational stage of Bulgarian who wanted study to overseas in three period (2002, 2006, and 2008). The educational stages were consist from primary until higher education. Overall, there was an upward trend of the percentage of primary and lower education. The highest number came from secondary education.  
  
Based on the chart, all of educational stages were under 70% in the three period. There was a gradual incline of higher education from 17 (2002) to 20 (2006). It was the least number among the others. Then dropped sharply by nine percent in the last year of period.  
  
Secondary education reached number one in all years, and it peaked at 65 during 2002. But it fell slightly to 61 and 59 (2006-2008). In 2002 the number of primary and lower education rose smoothly from 18 to 19, but peaked in 2008, at 32 percent. It was the biggest upward between other educational type, by 13%.  
  
To sum up, primary and pre school education experienced upward trend dramatically, but the highest number of educational stage was secondary education.  
  
*
Hi BadaFebriani,  
Kindly find my remarks below in order to significantly improve your writing skill, especially in writing an IELTS task 1 essay.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The bar chart shows the information about educational ~~stage~~system/level of Bulgarian who wanted ~~study to~~to study in overseas in three different periods of time**(2002, 2006, and 2008).**(I am not sure whether the information in the bracket should be placed there or not. I rarely see IELTS sample essays using that bracket)  
  
- The educational ~~stages~~levels/systems~~were consist from~~consist of primary ~~until~~up to higher education. (This is a permanent fact of Bulgarian educational system/level and therefore, it has to be in present tense form)  
  
**Overall, there was an upward trend of the percentage of primary and lower education. The highest number came from secondary education.  
  
Last paragraph:  
- To sum up, primary and pre school education experienced upward trend dramatically, but the highest number of educational stage was secondary education.**  
*These two information have the same purpose. An IELTS task 1 essay needs to have only ONE of them in either the first or last paragraph. If you decide it to write in the last paragraph, DO NOT write it in the introduction paragraph. If you decide the opposite, DO NOT write it AGAIN in the last paragraph. It would be redundant and the examiner will face a difficulty to decide whether the overview that you have presented are appropriate or not. If you want to reach band 6 or above, an appropriate/proper overview is needed.*  
  
Hope this helps :)
**The chart gives information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who wanted to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006, and 2008.  
  
Writing Task 1, Unit 1D, Page 10**  
  
The bar chart reveals the information about the percentage of Bulgarian society who wanted to live abroad based on the educational background, in 2002, 2006 and 2008. Overall, the number of secondary education reached the highest percentage over six year period.  
  
According to the bar chart, in 2002, the percentage of secondary education reached a peak at 65%. In contrast, the percentage of higher and primary education stood at 17% and 18% respectively. Furthermore, there was an increased slightly in both educational background of 20% and 19% respectively. Although there was a significant drop of 9% in the number of higher education, the percentage of primary education hit the highest level at 32% in 2008.  
  
It shows that the percentage of secondary education had a downward trend during the period. It followed by the percentage of higher education that fell suddenly in 2008. In contrast, the percentage of primary education an had upward trend and jumped markedly in the last year. (161 words)  
  
*
Hi Septia,  
Please take a closer look at my contribution below. I hope this would be helpful for your future improvements.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- ... the percentage of Bulgarian ~~society~~(Bulgarian is already a citizen, society, group of people) who wanted to live abroad based on ~~the~~their educational background,...  
  
- Overall, it is noticeable that / it can be seen that the number of secondary...  
("addressing" the overview by using appropriate cohesive device is necessary to enhance your band score)  
- *You are suggested to write one more sentence, your introduction lack of important information from the bar chart itself. Only stating the highest would not be adequate.*  
  
2nd paragraph:  
- ... of secondary education **reached**its~~a~~ peak at approximately 65%.  
- ... higher and primary education **stood at**("stood at" should be in the first sentence)17% and 18% respectively.  
- Furthermore, there was ~~an increased slightly~~a slight increase in both educational background ~~of~~at20% and 19% respectively.(look at these two sentences. It looks repetitive right? especially in the last part of the sentence. If you want to reach band 6 or above, I suggest you to not doing this anymore)  
  
Hope this helps :)
**The chart below gives information about the level of education of Bulgarian people who wanted to go and live in another country in 2002, 2006, and 2008.**  
  
The bar chart gives information about how many people wanted to go and make a brand new life at other countries in 2002, 2006, and 2008 according to their level of education. Overall, people who got junior high school degree is the highest percentage from other levels planning to leave Bulgaria  
  
In 2002, 65 percent of secondary educational bulgarians wanted to move out from Bulgaria. In the next four years, there was a slight difference from those inhabitants which was 61 percent. In 2008, there was 59 percent of bulgarians had planning to live outside that county.  
  
In contrast, people who graduated from elementary and senior high school remained the same percentage in 2002 and 2006. But, there was a sharp difference between primary and higher education people in 2008. People who came from primary and lower education was higher percentage than graduated inhabitants from higher education which was 32 percent and 9 percent. (154w)  
  
*   
*Bar Chart*
Hi Ifra.  
These are my corrections for your writing. Please, review my notes.  
  
... about how many BULGARIAN 'S people wanted to (...) new life ~~at~~ IN other countries ...  
Overall, people ~~who got~~ FINISHING junior high school degree is BY FAR the highest percentage, ~~from other levels~~ planning to leave BulgariaN. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GRADUATING THE PRIMARY AND LOWER SCHOOL EXPERIENCED AN INCREASE, OTHER FIGURES DECLINED IN THE LAST PERIOD.  
  
(Keep in your mind that each good paragraph has at least 3 sentences so that I suggest you create 2 sentences for the overview)  
  
In 2002, 65 percent of ~~secondary educational~~ bulgarians FROM THE SECONDARY EDUCATION wanted to move ...  
... from those inhabitants ~~which was~~ AT 61 percent.  
... percent of Bulgarians WHO had planning to live outside that ~~county.~~ COUNTRY  
  
~~But~~ HOWEVER, there was (Avoid repetition) ~~a~~ THE sharp difference between ...  
People who came from THE primary and lower education was THE higher percentage (...) from THE higher education ~~which was~~ AT 32 percent and 9 percent RESPECTIVELY.  
  
**Note: Please, remember always that your job in the writing task is to compare the data, not describe separately.**  
  
**Keep Writing  
GOOD LUCK**
Hi Annisa,  
Here's my analysis towards your report summary of IELTS task 1. I hope you can follow through and gain some improvements later on.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- The bar chart gives the information about how many people ~~wanted~~who want to ~~go~~leave and ~~make~~live a brand new life ~~at~~in other countries in ~~2002, 2006, and 2008~~three different years according to their level of education.  
  
- Overall, it can be seen that people who ~~got~~were graduated from junior high school ~~degree~~~~is~~had the highest percentage ~~from~~among other education levels. ~~planning to leave Bulgaria~~(this information is redundant. it is better to remove this part.)  
  
You need to bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.  
  
Hope this helps :)
**Some people say that in the modern world it is very difficult for people to have a healthy lifestyle. Others, however, say that it is easy for people to be healthy and fit if they want to be. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion**  
  
There are opponent statements about how to get a healthy lifestyle in this modern world. Some people say that it is very difficult, but the others say that it is easy it those people desire to live healthily. In my opinion, that is true, when people really want to get a healthy life, they will find easy ways and get used many sources to cover their desire  
  
In the recent years, we are getting hard to choose our food consumption because there are many kinds of food that we unsure about the quality. That is the reason why healthy lifestyle become hard to get. Otherwise, people have many activities and those activities is blamed as thing that become a high wall to get through a healthy lifestyle.  
  
On the other hand, because of food and activities, we can deny the difficulties become healthy. But, if we want to be someone who has a healthy body and mind, we can start from the little things in part of our life such as, get the routine exercises at home before work, change model of transportation to go to workplace, bring your personal mineral water and fruits to work, and get healthy food from healthy catering. Those activities can be done for people who wanted to have a healthy lifestyle but get many activities in daily life. For instance, i have an uncle who work in a big company live healthily since college. Every morning, he always push-up at leats 30 times and make his own berakfast. He make a schedule board so that his food will be controlled. He never buy strange food from outside and keep his meal time on schedule. So, he has been getting a healthy lifestyle with the routine that he maintain every day  
  
All in all, everyone will have a healthy lifestyle if they have an encourage to provide it. The diciplinary of ourselves is the key success to become someone who has a healthy mind and body. People who think about the difficulties of healthy lifestyle should change their mind and start to live healthy with many easy ways. (353w)
Hello Miss Ifra :)  
Let me give you my suggestions :)  
  
.....but the others say that it is easy ~~it~~**IF** those people ...  
  
... they will find easy way~~s~~ and ~~get~~ use~~d~~ many sources ...  
  
...a high wall to get ~~through~~ a healthy lifestyle.  
  
*Well Miss Ifra, I think your essay is good enough :) But I find your problem in sentences structure...I'm sorry because I can't write it one by one I'll let others give you other completely comments.. :)*
Bicycling is one of children concussion causes. The helmet hasn't assessed the ability to protect the brain from concussion. Helmets has not assessed for protection ability. Many experts believe that concussion cannot be prevented. Shortly, concussion process occurs when brain smacked with skull and getting damaged and injured. This theory is not all right since probably concussion is more than impact but deeper. There is a space inside of the brain, only a few millimeters from skull which contain cerebral spinal fluid. The function of spinal fluid is to protect the brain so that the brain just shifted slightly. The brain illustrated as a rigid object, but in fact, the brain is a softest organ. When the brain moves back and forward, the brain was twisting, turning and contorting and the tissues are getting starched. A concussion is unlikely something at the surface but something deeper in the center.  
  
A simulation which recorded by mouth-guard showed the red spot. The red spot described that brain tissues are 50% starched from the particular area while the blue spot is around exterior has only 10 % starched. Corpus callosum is the lobes at the center of the brain. The ex-football player had larger lobes than normal. His corpus callosum getting chronic traumatic encephalopathy which had a lot of death tissue. The point of decrease concussion is to slow down our head movement.
Hello Fauziyahtami, I want you gain some suggestion from me.  
  
here we go:  
  
The helmet has~~n't~~**not** assessed the ability ...  
  
**in writing, please avoid the reducing words like "don't" or "haven't"**  
  
... concussion is more than impact **but****also** deeper.  
  
**conjuction "but" should explain something has a big contrast.**  
  
... turning and contorting ~~**and**~~ the tissues are getting starched.  
  
**too many "and" words**  
  
... brain tissues are 50%**[you can paraphrase this word with "five in ten"]** starched from the particular ...  
  
note: keep writing and go ahead
***The chart below shows the sleep patterns of people in five different occupations according to a Canadian study.***  
  
The chart presents a research resulted by a Canadian providing the data about the sleep patterns of people in five different professions. Overall, both students and business executives have normal on their sleep schedule, while truck drivers, full-time mothers and doctors sleep in interrupted hours.  
  
As the provided data, it can be seen that students and businesses executives have sleep time continuously from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., but business executives have to get up two hours earlier than students. It means that they only spend their time only 6 hours for bedtime which is one hour more than the doctor's sleep schedule.  
  
On the other hand, truck drivers have discontinuous sleep schedule and spend 6 hours for sleeping about 3 hours in each morning and afternoon. In the following, there are full-time mothers having 8-hours sleeping time, with 2 hours in the afternoon for taking a nap due to getting up in the early morning, 3 a.m. Another case, doctors are the busiest jobs in this data because they only have 5 hours for sleeping in the early morning 1 a.m., but they have to wake up and do their duties again at 3 a.m.  
  
*
Hi asmaraj, Here is some suggestions for you  
  
... to 7 a.m.~~, but~~**although** business executives ...  
  
... 6 hours for sleeping **that is divided into**~~about 3 hours in~~ each morning and afternoon.  
... the early morning, **(**3 a.m.**)** Another case, doctors (...) in the early morning **(**1 a.m.**)** , but they have to ...  
  
Best regards.