dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
NEW -This is my essay for study plan to Australia! I'm welcome every your comment...Thank you:)  
  
Study Plan  
  
## Family Background and Personality

  
  
My name is Sok Menghourt, born on 27 September 1999. I'm currently a student. I graduated from high school in August, 2017 and I entered to National Technical Training Institute (NTTI), majored in Electrical Engineering for 2 years. I'm a person who interested in technology and I like to mess around with the computer a lot. My family runs a business at home selling baby products such as milk, diapers and other baby's accessories, so I spent some of my free time helping them. I've learned many things from this family's business such as stock management, staff management and some financial management.  
  
One at a time (in separate threads).
The essay doesn't sound like it was written by a college graduate. It reads more like an elementary school student wrote the essay. It doesn't really discuss your family background and personality in an interesting manner. When you discuss your family background, go into detail. How did your parents influence your character development. What lessons did they teach you that you carry as a personal value in life? Why do you consider them role models? How do you live your life in a manner that would make them proud? How does your relationship with your parents define your character as a person? You need to go into greater detail with your discussion. You need to make sure that you allow the reviewer to really get to know your family through your written interview. He doesn't really get a definite picture of your family background and character in this essay. My questions should be able to help you improve your presentation. Those are the standard information required for character background essays. Add to it as you deem necessary.
Hi there. This is my essay for the topic of food production :)  
  
**Prompt:** ***Countries should try to produce all the food for the population and imports as little food as possible. To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
## ***I DISAGREE WITH THIS TO A LARGE SCALE***

  
  
My answer:  
Due to the recent development in food industry worldwide, many people argue that countries should push their domestic food industry and import fewer food products from foreign countries. However, I am not in favour with this idea to a large degree.  
  
It is understandable that not every countries can have the ingredients available to produce particular food for their population due to differences of climate conditions. For instance, farmers in countries with perennially cold weather can encounter great difficulties in cultivating crops and producing food such as rice. This is why the government are reluctant to import rice products from countries where the weather patterns are compatible for agricultural development. As a result, this helps to meet the demand for agricultural products and increase food security.  
  
Nevertheless, there is a belief that food imported from foreign countries is not guaranteed in terms of safety and standards, which I think is not a reason why countries must switch to producing their own food. This situation can be tackled with stricter food quality monitoring. When a food product is delivered from an international source, it is imperative for the government to reassure the quality by examining its current condition. In case this product is considered a violation to safety standards, the authorities can immediately put a ban on commercial distribution, thus preventing dangerous food consumption in the public.  
  
In conclusion, I am not an opponent of encouraging countries to produce their own food and restrict imports, as the different climate conditions make it nearly impractical. Although imported products can cause problems related to consumers' health, it can be solved with stronger law enforcement, such as quality examination.
Plural vs. Singular issue - government are (government is). Government signifies a singular reference, governmentS refer to plural forms hence the singular IS must be used instead of the plural ARE. In the phrase "every countries", every refers to singular form presentations. So the term countries should be in singular form also (country).  
  
When using introductory elements such as "therefore", a comma must be used. When referring to weather systems, you cannot say "perennially cold". The weather system in such a country "freezing weather", or "wintry weather".  
  
Your thought clarity is blurred in the following presentation:  
  
*...farmers in countries with perennially ... for agricultural development.*  
  
The first sentence indicates a reason as to why certain countries need to import their crops. The second sentence explains that country's that cannot import rice products are reluctant to purchase rice from other countries. Do you see how the sentences contradict each other? If you are in a cold country, but require rice for your food supply, then you have no choice but to import rice from other countries. That paragraph is faulty and will definitely lower your score.  
  
BTW, you keep on generalizing the discussion to a Vietnam specific discussion. Not all countries eat rice or grains. The western world relies more on flour products and bread. Other countries, use vegetables as a main food product. Always look at the overall picture. Never localize the information. Refer to food in general, no specific food product is required as there was no specific food type mentioned in the original prompt.  
  
Your second paragraph is strong enough and clear in its thought presentation. It is the best paragraph in this essay. However, your conclusion summary needs to be divided. It is a run on with only 2 sentences. Always aim for 3-5 in the conclusion. Make sure you properly summarize your discussion. That is something that you did not do a good job in presenting as a part of the conclusion.
## diversity of subjects taught at universities should be maintained

  
  
**Rising university fees and limited employment prospects for graduates have led some people to say that universities should not teach art subjects like philosophy and history, and should only offer practical degree courses that maximise chances of employment.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree.**  
  
In a world where employment rate of university fresh graduates is decreasing while tuition fees is increasing rapidly, some people advocate the idea of abandoning all art subjects and focus the society's resources to practical degree with high employment rate. In my opinion, however, this is not beneficial to both students and the whole society as a whole.  
  
Firstly, limiting major choices is disadvantageous to the development of young people. It is the students entering university who has the right to decide what to study for their future career. If a youngster chooses a major that has low employment rate, he, as an adult who bear full responsibility for his decision, understands the risk and will try harder while studying in order to get a job in the future. In addition, everyone is different in term of potential ability and interest so limiting the choice of subjects to the fields that guarantees a future job does not ensure that all students can learn these subjects well and have a successful career and a meaningful life.  
  
Secondly, stop teaching all art subjects also harms the society as a whole. A single work once required knowledge in only one field now needs all kind of talents to be done. For example, a man working in marketing may have to know about psychology to understand customer or have knowledge about art to choose the best design for an advertisement. As a result, teaching subjects with low current employment rate is not a waste but a preparation for the future. Moreover, the whole society will loss potential talent resources if all art subjects are abandoned. In that case, we would never have art works whose value exist through the time or theories that can change the whole world.  
  
In conclusion, the diversity of subjects taught at universities should be maintained regardless of the employment rate as this ensures that every young people can develop their potential ability fully and the society has all kind of talents it needs to develop sustainably.
I think you have to fix some mistakes:  
- In the introduction: employment:-> the employment; tuition fees is-> tuition fees are;  
- In the first paragraph of the body: adult who bear-> adult who bears; in term of potential-> in terms of potential  
- In the second body paragraph: the society-> society; all kind-> all kinds; will lost-> will lose; art works-> artworks;  
- In the conclusion: kind-> kinds
Please try to review the discussion requirements more thoroughly next time. You misrepresented the discussion in this essay as a benefit/drawback essay. It is actually an extent essay. Therefore, your response to the task requirement is wrong and will be considered totally unrelated to the task. However, you will be partially scored for the reasoning that you provided. The problem, is that even though your reasons fall in line with a proper explanation the given discussion topic, your essay will not get a proper TA score based on the non-response to the essay question. That means your final score, may not be very nice.  
  
For this essay, you should have represented your disagreement with the given topic in a manner similar to the following:  
  
*These discussion assumptions have led me to develop an opinion on this subject. I have decided that I can justify a strong disagreement in relation to this subject.*  
  
While you will not lose points for writing more words, you are risking making general errors in terms of C&C and GRA scoring. These forced errors, caused by your focus on the word count instead of the clear discussion of the essay will result in all around points deductions on your part. You did not really leave yourself with editing time for this essay since you wrote 337 words. Aim to write 275-290 words next time. This is the target word count that allows you to properly discuss the essay without losing time to edit your work for grammar problems and clarity issues.
**TOPIC**: **Some people think that physical strength is important for success in sport while others think that mental strength is important. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
It is controversial that whether physical power or mental effort has more importance in sport victory. While I believe that spiritual strength well contributes to an athlete's proficiency, I would also argue that physical fitness plays a pivotal role in sport.  
  
On the one hand, it is no doubt that emotions have certain impact on the performance of one player. Before the game, if he is encouraged by his surroundings, the athlete does obviously enhance his self-esteem as well as self-confidence and is likely to make greater efforts to deserve his love he has received. In contrast, witnessing bad events right before the sport contest, individuals seem to be over-concerned and disappointed. As a result, they cannot keep a calm feeling and be distracted from the match. The situation even gets worse when considering team sport as the lac of productivity of one member becomes a black hole at his role play and may also make others frustrated and easy to lose temper.  
  
On the other hand, there are a host of reasons why success in sport requires physical well-being. Firstly, when participating in any training program or sport game, health check is a must. People are only accepted to take part in sport games if they satisfy all the necessary requirements. Even if one who has mental strength but cannot meet the physical standards such as weight or endurance is eliminated. For example, a basketball player is demanded to be at least 1,65 meters in height in Vietnam. Secondly, sport training is a tough process lasting for a period of time before getting ready for official matches. Without persistence and stable body-building, no one can follow sport career in a long term.  
  
In conclusion, despite the fact that athletes' feelings influence their result, I am of the opinion that success in sport mostly rely on physical fitness. Coaches should allocate more money on physical training in order to guarantee the health of sport players.
Examiners hate it when students use terms that exaggerate the topic presentation in the original. Try to avoid using terms such as "controversial topic" when none is implied in the original essay. Also, make sure to respond properly to the prompt requirement. In this instance:  
  
OP: Discuss both views and give your opinion.  
YR: While I believe ...I would also argue ... role in sport.  
  
The proper paraphrase is:  
  
*There is a public belief that an athlete's natural hardiness provides the reason for winning in athletics. However, some individuals explain that intellectual abilities provide more reason for a sports person's success. These opinions make for an interesting discussion topic on an individual scale. Contemplating the two sides of the discussion will help me assess both considerations.*  
  
This is a 5 paragraph essay. You only provided 4 paragraphs so you do not have the correct format for this essay. TA points will be deducted because of it. Additional points deductions will be produced by the lack of proper discussion presentation as well. While your discussion is good, when you do not properly follow the instructions (use of ownership words, 3 body paragraphs, etc.), the tendency will be for your essay to score downward instead of upward on all accounts.
*Please look at my essay below. I really appreciate your help.*  
  
## electricity generation process

  
  
The diagram illustrates the process of electricity generation from the inflow and outflow of the tides.  
  
The system is usually constructed across an inland bay or estuary where a large body of water can be contained. It comprises a main barrage structure and a roadway built on top of it, a sluice gates and an electricity generator. The main construction blocks tidal inflow and outflow. The sluice gate, which is located behind the main barrage structure, is used to control the flow. Under the barrage construction, a tunnel houses the electricity generator used to turn the energy of tidal flow into electricity.  
  
The system is started by opening the sluice gate. When tides rise, water from the see goes under the main barrage structure, through the generator to the inland bay or estuary. During this process, the water spins the turbines in the generator and generates electricity. Similarly, at low tide, water also goes from the bay through the generator and again, power is generated.  
  
*
You misspelled "sea" as see. "See" means to have something in sight while "sea" is a body of water. Be careful of homonyms in your presentation The difference in spelling and meaning, when you use the incorrect word in a sentence will cause points deductions for your LR score. Disregarding that very slight error in word usage on your part, it is safe to say that your Task 1 essay properly explains the procedure based on the guidelines in the diagram. It is important that you do not fall into the trap of using run-on sentences in your presentations. I  
  
in these types of presentations, students often tend to use commas to form an inclusive sentence for several discussions. It would be safer if you do not join more than 2 connected procedures in one sentence. You can avoid accidentally creating run-on sentences that way. It also allows you to better mix up your sentence presentation so that you have an equal number of complex and simple sentences in the presentation. Once these practices become second nature to you, you will find that your writing will be easier and your scores will also be increased based on the grading rubic.  
  
Good job! Keep writing, you have the potential to score highly in this type of task. I look forward to reviewing more of your practice essays.
## Financial support for children's learning

  
  
It is undeniable that children's education is expensive . Towards this matter , some governments pay for a part or all of the fees needed . Personally , I believe that this trend's advantages outweigh the disadvantages .  
  
Free education plays an important part in eradicating illiteracy . It creates chances for children to go to school , to be educated . Schools do not only offer students knowledge , but also teach them good manners . Thanks to education , kids will become well-educated citizens who devote their lived to their nations' growth . However , there are opponents who argue that they have to pay more taxes for this free education . It is not true at all . Providing children with free education will form a great workforce , and then bring wealth to the society by the high labour productivity . In this way , all civilians earn long-time benefits in the future .  
  
Moreover , it can help to lessen financial burden for families . In remote areas , children are forced to work instead of learning due to the family's poor condition . Nonetheless , with the support of governments , kids are able to access to knowledge . Parents will not have to be worried about school fees and instead of working hard to pay fees for education , parents will have more time for their children .  
  
In conclusion , the advantages of this trend will surely serve nations with the best workforce .
I don't know what your full prompt is or if this is writing task 2 of IELTS. So please clear that out.  
  
"students knowledge"- knowledge to students  
  
" Thanks to education , kids will become ..." - Framed informally. You can write, " By educating children, the nation's human resources will become capable enough to grow themselves as well as nation as a whole."  
  
"However , there are opponents who argue...  ~~It is not true at all~~ " - you could have written this line in introduction. whenever you write a paragraph, go with one stance.  
  
"kids are able to ... "- kids will have free access to basic education.  
  
"Parents will not have to be worried about school ..." - very contradicting.you don't need money only to pay fee of your children. there can be other necessities too like food and shelter. you could have written that " parents could focus more on making making their as well as their family's survival better if they know that their children are getting free education.  
  
also add an example of any country where the government is providing free education and relate it with your essay. And you need to work on your intro and conclusion.
You have not really written enough words to gain a maximum scoring potential for this essay. 252 words is just over the limit, but definitely under the required number of words that would have shown the examiner just how well you can discuss the topic. Next time, target a word count of about 275-290 words. Don't discount the ability of writing just the right number of words in increasing your score. Write too little and you don't get a high enough score. Write too much and you risk making grammar mistakes which could lower your over all score. You need to find a way to tread the middle line. Write just enough to make sure that your essay delivers a clear explanation, without using word fillers. Aim for 275 words in your early practice tests. Increase the word count as you gain more confidence in your writing.  
  
Your second sentence in the first paragraph is almost a direct cut and paste of the original prompt presentation. As such, you will be using a memorized sentence presentation and have points deducted in your LR score because of it.  
  
This is an advantage and disadvantage essay with a personal opinion reference. As such, you should be using 3 body paragraphs for the presentation that comprises:  
  
- The disadvantage  
- The advantage  
- The explanation of which side you support.  
  
In this essay, you only discussed the side that you support. Therefore, there is a lacking comparison element. Without the comparison element, your TA score will receive deductions for not adequately addressing the task. Remember, the prompt indicates how many discussion points are required in a presentation. Make sure to count the topics against your body discussion. That way you will be fully addressing the task discussion.
Hi there,  
I wanter to reinforce my writing ability by practicing IELTS questions in my spare time. Hence, it would be helpful if you could give me some advises on grammar usage and how to improve the structure. :)  
  
## Population of aged 65 and over

  
  
This line graph compares the population of aged 65 or more in three different countries between 1940 to 2040.  
  
It is clear from the graph that the number of elderly people in each country has rose considerably between 1940 and 2020, and the figures are expected to reach their peak in 2040.  
  
As can be seen from the graph that the highest proportion of elder people was in USA in 1940, at 9%, followed by Sweden with 7%, and the figure for Japan accounted for 5%. Between 1940 and 1980, the rising trends was shown in both Sweden and USA, from 7% to 14% and from 9% to 15%, respectively. In contrast, the population for aged 65 and older in Sweden experienced a small decrease and then remained unchanged at 3% by 1980. From 2000 to 2020, the elderly population in Japan slightly rose before descending to 19%, while the population reached its plateau in USA throughout the period shown.  
  
Although the percentage for all countries is predicted to constantly ascend, the amount of elderly people in Japan is anticipated to exceed others and reach its summit by 2040.  
  
*