dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Mayank, you are close to getting a 7. This particular essay can garner you an overall score of 6. You were held back by the improper grammar formation of your sentences. That scored you a 5. Complex sentences are not yet your area of expertise and the essay shows your potential to develop that side of your writing style. Learn to develop complete thoughts in your sentences. Right now, the sentences require further development because your presentations are not as completely informative as it can be. If you want to further increase the score for your essay, prove that you fully understand the requirements by using personal experiences to justify your line of reasoning instead of information that requires research or cannot easily be identified as something common to the target audience. Rather than presenting information gained from newspaper surveys, which become questionable because you do not properly cite the reference for the information, you should have used yourself as an example instead. You could have imagined how different your upbringing could have been if you had one parent staying at home to guide your development from childhood. Would it have been a good or bad thing for you? By discussing that as your second line of reason, you would have created the impression that you fully analyzed the information and understood how the proposal might positively or negatively affect the upbringing of the child, who is the main focus of this discussion, not the career ambition of the parents.
**Topic: In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with other people (family, friends, colleagues) are more important than anything else. Issues such as work and wealth take second place. Argue in support of this claim.**  
  
## People tend to focus on the materialistic stuff only

  
  
Firstly, the sole concentration and determination on the personal material objectives during successive years are fundamentally ascribed to the subsequent loneliness in which many affluent celebrities suffer from as a desolating experience. For instance, a has-been ,who used to make her best attempts to dedicate her angelic voice to the public at the old prime ,usually bears the brunt of being isolated depressingly despite having a well-off lifestyle and her devotion in the past. In comparison with other modern societal classes, the ordinary and the poor who always have to mangage to gain a better level of living standard savour the simple happiness but worthwhile and far-fetched with the famous , who is most of the times surrounded by his fans and paparazzi but alone with himself when the day is over.  
  
Secondly ,the importance of obtaining individual contentment through social relationship has been supported and ascertained by the old from their profound understanding accumulated over the years. Namely, both of my grandparents on the mother side claim their family and friends to by the greatest things happening in their lives. On a worldwide scale, these sorts of sentiments are common amongst people who have experienced most of their lifetime. Therefore, ethical relationship deserve much more respect and significance than money or careers.  
  
Thank you in advance for spending time fixing my essay 's body ! I would be grateful and appreciative this body is improved by your comments.
Duy, in all honesty, this is one of the most off tangent discussion for this topic that I have read on this forum. In trying to impress the reviewer with complex sentences using complicated words that you have no idea how to properly use in sentences and discussions, you wrote an essay that doesn't connect properly with the prompt requirements. For starters, you speak of celebrities when the subjects for comparison are clearly given in the prompt. Deviating from the indicated subjects shows a total disregard for the instructions given. Which means you didn't understand the instructions. You do not have a proper paraphrasing of the discussion topic prior to your argument which leaves the reader, who may not have access to the prompt (something you should always assume) , confused as to the discussion topic and what sort of discussion and opinions will be involved in the presentation. There is no way that this essay would get a passing score specially since it lacks the 5 paragraph requirement for these essays. The misdirected discussion plus lacking word count due to paragraph requirements means you should try harder next time by working within the problem instructions instead of deviating from it. Maybe your next essay will be an improvement. I look forward to reading the next practice essay from you.
## poverty in Australia in 1999

  
  
The table shows data on different types of household who were living in poverty in Australia in 1999.  
According to this table, the average of family living in the poverty line is 11 percent with nearly two million people. Whereas, elder people without children and couple with children have the percentage higher than that of average. Furthermore, class of sole parent accounting for approximately two times as much as all households were, 21 percent.  
  
On the other hand, the proportion of those categories of domestic without children including elder single and couple person and young person that is considerably less than that of average; accounting for 6 percent, 4 percent and 7 percent, respectively. What is more, comparison on group older person with children and without children, the proportion of people with no children living in poverty less than sevenfold of the later.  
  
In conclusion, those categories of people from each household without children have small proportion of the total, who were living in the poverty line.
Nguyen, we require that all students seeking IELTS Writing Task 1 advice upload the image along with the essay for our consideration. The image will help in judging whether you met the prompt requirements or not. In this instance, I can only assume that you followed the prompt requirements. Since the chart is not included in this essay, I will not be able to give you a score for this work. I am limited to only one free advice per thread. What I can tell you though, is that the overall format of your essay is wrong.  
  
While you did meet the 150 minimum word requirement, you did not properly present the overview statement. The overview statement needs to include, the topic for discussion, the type of chart presented, additional instructions and comparison points, and a proper thesis statement at the end to conclude the summary of information. There must also be a space between paragraphs in order to signify new discussions. Don't forget to use the proper transition words or sentences in your essay. You did not really transition your paragraphs very well in this practice test.  
  
The second and third paragraphs of your essay seem informative enough. Again, the chart is required for further analysis of the information that you wrote and an observation regarding the mechanical presentation of the information. With that said, the concluding paragraph once again failed to meet the format requirement of at least 3 sentences per paragraph. The concluding statement should have wrapped up the information you provided in a manner that further educates the reader. Since the essay failed to deliver on 2 counts, I can safely say that you will be scored down for those errors and receive a lower than possible score in the end.
IELTS task 2 :  
  
*Scientist agree that people are damaging their health by eating too much junk food. Some people think that the answer to this problem is to educate people. Other people think that education will not work. Discuss both views and give your opiniion.*  
  
............................................  
## How to make people stay healthy

  
  
**Education's effectiveness in leading people to a healthy eating habit**  
  
Scientific researches have pointed out that overconsumption of junk food can have negative effects on our health. Education is believed by some to be the solution for this issue, while others are skeptical about its effectiveness. Although both parts have reasons to support their views, I am of the opinion that providing nutrition knowledge publicly will be beneficial for a healthier eating habit in society.  
  
On the one hand, education doesn't seem convincing for some people for certain reasons. Firstly, the increasing trend of excessive consumming junk food is mostly found in developed country where techonology is well-developed and lacking information is hardly a problem. In fact, there are many other factor rather than nutrition to concern when one have to choose between processed food and a healthier choice. For example, time-saving and convinience have always been an advantage of fast food, comparing to a full courses meal. It's not just faster but also much easier to just grab a hamburger instead of cooking a menu with balanced protein, glucose and lipid. Morever, whole-grain protein bar doesn't sound as tasty and exciting as bacon and chips for most peole, especially children. Fast food chains with their expanding menus keep appearing in every corners does not make it any easier for maintain a healthy diet.  
  
On the other hand, providing information can certainly benificial to promoting healthy eating habit. Firstly, by being informed of the amount of calories, sodium & nutrition intake, people will see how every food they choose will effect their bodies and be able to adjust their diet accordingly. Secondly, despite the fact that junk food & negative effects are now a common knowledge, most people are still ignorant to the potential diseases they might get if they don't control their consumptions of funk foods. Last but not least, children, who are most attracted to fast food can be led to a healthier lifestyle by means of education. In school, nutrition lessons and raising awareness about avoiding processed food in early years can be more effective than later.  
  
In conclusion, even though some might be skeptical about education's effectiveness in the battle for good eating habit, I'm one to believe it can be the solution for the problem of excessive consumption of junk food if we put enough effort into it.  
  
*
Alice, you really did discuss both public opinions using strong reasons and well thought out examples. You have managed to create a balanced discussion of the reasons why education will and will not work to educate the people regarding healthy eating. The problem that I see with your essay is that you did not properly represent and discuss your personal opinion on the matter. While you can use the excuse that you were discussing your personal opinion of both topics throughout the essay, that is not what the examiner required of you. You were to present public opinions of the pro and con kind and then discuss your personal opinion regarding the topic. Your personal opinion should discuss the side of the issue that you support in a complete paragraph. It is never made a one liner at the end of the concluding statement. That is academically unacceptable and shows a lack of ability to properly develop your essay discussion. In which case there are two parts of your final score that will be affected, the task accuracy and grammar accuracy and range. Those will be marked down because your mistake in discussion shows a lack of English comprehension abilities. Meaning, you did not understand the instructions that were given in English.
Hi @thien\_my ! =))  
  
@Holt is alright.  
I am myself not really excel at English but I think you should check these out:  
  
Did you mean "researchers" or "researchs" instead of "researches"?  
"consuming" not "consumming"  
"technology" not "techonology"  
"Moreover" not "Morever"  
"beneficial" not "benificial"  
"convenience" not "convinience", sorry if these are just typing mistakes  
To avoid these blunders, I highly recommend you use Grammarly. It also said that "It appears that the quantifier the amount does not fit with the plural countable noun calories. Consider changing it (into a number of)", I'm not sure whether it's right or not.  
  
"In fact, there are many other factor**s** rather than nutrition to **be**concern**ed** when one ~~have~~ **has** to choose between processed food and a healthier choice."  
  
The second explanation sentence in your first body paragraph seems doesn't clear. It's about how attractive junk food is or the advertising? And the two sentences seem to be two examples rather.  
  
About the second body paragraph, I feel so confused. It seems not clear. It seems doesn't have any example, and the second reason seems doesn't explain anything clearly.  
  
Lastly, I think you should have one more graph for your opinion.  
  
That's what I think. If there's anything inaccurate, please tell me  
  
And if you're free, please check my work. Thanks in advance!  
  
Have a nice day! =))
**Many museums charge for admission while others are free.  
Do you think the advantage of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?**  
  
## museums and entrance fee

  
  
There is a large number of museums around the world, while some choose to charge their visitors for admission, some decided to remain free. My view is that it is more beneficial for museums to charge an entrance fee and in this essay I will explain why.  
  
The first point to make is that there are some downsides to charing people for admission, but these are relatively minor. Firstly, the museum might have fewer visitors after they start charing people. It is possible for some people to think that the exhibition they held is not worth the money. On top of that, if the museum is free to enter, visitor are more likely to be willing to go to the same exhibition more than once. Secondly, if the purpose of a museum is to educate the public, it is considered to be accessible by everyone in the society. By requiring an entrance fee, it may become difficult for poor people to have a chance of going into the museum.  
  
When we turn to the other side of the argument, there are also some points to make. Considering any museum needs money to run properly, an extra income will help holding exhibitions with better quality. With sufficient funds, the museum will also be able to hire more employees to maintain the space, set up exhibitions, or even do a public tour. The other point is that when money is charged, visitors tend to focus more on the experience they are having inside the museum, not taking it for granted. It is undeniable that some people go into the museum just to avoid the bad weather outside.  
  
In conclusion, I understand the point of view of people who think museums should not charge any entrance fee. However, it is outweighed by the positive impact of charing visitor for admission.
Anna, your opening statement lacks a clear outline in relation to the upcoming discussion. Your opening statement needs to make it clear, in 3-5 sentences that you support the idea that charging for admission to museums have far more advantages than disadvantages. You need to outline the discussion points to illustrate if you will first discuss the con and then the pro of the argument or vice versa. In this type of essay, you may discuss only one disadvantage and one advantage, using the 4th paragraph to support the public argument with a personal opinion and then concluding the essay with a proper summation of the presented discussion. If you notice, the argument that you presented became flawed because you said that charging for admission to the museum outweighs the disadvantages. Yet, you present 2 strong arguments for the non-charging side of the discussion while you are barely able to defend the advantages side. You used 2 different reasons to support the side that you did not agree to in the opening statement and could barely present evidence to help increase the advantage discussion you indicated in the opening statement. If you wanted to strengthen your paid museum attendance argument, you should have used a weaker line of reasoning for the free museum entrance. You did not carefully think of your response. Neither did you outline your response prior to drafting your essay. This essay is, in effect, very poorly written and would not gain a very good score in an actual setting.
**TOPIC: The only way that Government can improve the environment is to increase the price of gasoline and electricity.**  
  
## measures to save energy

  
  
In recent years, a hotly-debated issue whether the price of gasoline and electricity should be increased by the Government remains inconclusive. While the majority of people argues that the Government should not do so, some still voice their approval for that proposed policy. In my opinion, the cost of gas and electricity should rise.  
  
To begin with, increasing the price of gas and electricity means saving a huge amount of energy. As a matter of fact, gas is extracted from deep-ocean energies, and electricity is also generated from electrical power. Therefore, if the Government increase the price of them, they will be able to restrict the abusive use of gas and electricity among inhabitants as a whole. Thanks to this policy, the factories have to cut down on the amount of gas and electrical energy they can produce because not so many people demand a great amount of gasoline and electricity any longer. Consequently, a huge amount of gasoline and electrical energies is sufficiently saved. For example, in Scandivanian countries, the amount of gas and electrical power remaining in the environment is relatively high. The reasoning behind this is that their inhabitants have refrained from gasoline and electricity because of the high-priced energy sources, and currently those countries enjoy such a fresh and energy-sufficient condition.  
  
Secondly, the high-priced gasoline and electricity force people to find alternative powers. These alternative powers are considerably cheaper to produce than gasoline and electricity combine. Additionally, those energies are far environmental friendlier than gas and electrical power. Take solar power as an example. Solar power has already been embraced by so many countries. Clearly, it overwhelms the benefits of gasoline and electricity. Solar power shows its endlessness, its inexpensiveness and its safety to human beings since human relies on it for survival. As a result, such inhabitants have ended up generating it and regarded solar power as a main source of energy. If it were not for its advantages over other energy, people would keep on consuming gas and electricity without paying much attention to their harmfulness.  
  
In conclusion, I think the Government should raise the price of gas and electricity. Otherwise, energies will not be sufficiently saved.  
  
Thank you in advance for spending time fixing this essay! I hope you all can contribute some ideas to improve my essay!  
Look forward to your comments!
Minh, I am sad that you did not include the complete prompt requirements for this essay and instead chose to only present the discussion topic. As such, I am not sure about the method by which you should be presenting this essay for discussion. From the way that you presented the paraphrasing in the first paragraph, it seems that you were supposed to discuss both points of view and then give your opinion? Am I right about that? In which case, you did not accurately discuss the prompt requirements because you did not use public opinion to discuss the matter and you only focused on the pro discussion instead of presenting a balanced pro, con, then opinion discussion. Your paragraphs are too long and go beyond the 5 sentence maximum for discussion paragraphs. Your presentation, though long and informative, doesn't accurately present complex sentences due to the grammar accuracy problems. With this problems existing, it is still your task accuracy that worries me the most because that is the part of the essay that proves your ability to properly understand English instructions. Please post the complete prompt requirements next time you ask us for a review. That means, present the topic sentence and the discussion format required so that the review of your essay can be more accurate.
## "Tare Zameen Par" movie

  
  
We get inspired by the things we come in contact with in our daily life. A film that has inspired me a lot, was a movie I watched two years ago. It was a movie named "Tare Zameen Par" , which means little stars on earth. It is about the life of a special child "Eric" with learning disability. The movie is inspirational for future teachers. The movie shows what a kid with disability has to face just because he thinks differently.  
  
The story shows how his parents, friends and even teachers treat Eric because he has no interest in studies. Although he tried to learn, and focus, but he failed. It was the emotional scene of the movie and even I cried that what a little guy is going through. Everyone in his contact is expecting beyond his abilities. No one even tries to understand him and his feelings. Everyone is checking his limits by bullying him, however he get use to it and it does not seem effecting him anymore. He starts living in his own world and then stops going to school. Eric starts spending his time with nature , without thinking the consequences of his action.  
  
One day a new teacher comes to his class and notices about his disabilities. He takes an initiative to get closer to the Eric and become his friend . Finally, he get to know about his hidden talent . The teacher got shocked when he sees his art drafts. He encourage him to take part in art competition. With teacher's encouragement and his hard work he won that competition. Suddenly he become star of the day and get popular among school kids. The teacher brings his confidence back and also secure his future.That was the clicking point, I learnt that a teacher can make a difference in students life. That is why the teachers are called nation builders. At that moment, I decided to become a teacher and wanted to make children life better.  
  
I believe that education can change a vision to see children with disabilities. There should be more movies like this, so that people get knowledge out of it. The school boards need to introduce such things in their curriculum, it will benefit students and of course teachers as well. In that way this planet will be more livable place for all of us without any discrimination. The more we get educated, less will be such kind of ignorance.One has to see a child beyond the labels as a human being and each kid deserves to be loved.
The essay is a summary of the movie, it does not represent how its story elements and scenes inspired you to become a better teacher. In that context of the discussion, this essay has failed to deliver the expected information. There needs to be an extended representation of how it inspired you and the impact that the film events had in your life. Specifically, your professional life as a teacher. The summary of the movie should be covered in only 1 paragraph. Then, the elements that you identified with needs to be discussed in combined paragraphs that first, explains the scene that inspired you, then how you apply that inspiration and learning in your professional life. Discussing how your teaching style and your relationship with your students will also help to highlight the required inspiration and impact discussion. Overall, this essay doesn't deliver the impression that you understood what you were being asked to discuss. Granted that this movie inspired you to become a teacher. The discussion you should have then presented was how the movie has helped you to become a better teacher in actual practice after the theoretical training that you gained in order to become a licensed teacher.