dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Hi sarah2015!  
Fist of all, I want to say that I'm not an expert but just a student that is trying to improve her English. Looking your essay, I would make this corrections.I hope this will help you.  
  
First paragraph:  
- I'm not sure about "send a message", maybe is "sending"  
-I'd replace "must have an impressive image" with "should"  
-"an unforgotten attractive words" is wrong the article because words is plural  
-"to lure attention of theirs consumer" maybe "to catch consumer's attention" or "to attract customers attention"  
-"a new way to introduce"  
-"It uses the glamorous representative images"  
-"Asian cultures" in this case I think culture is uncountable  
  
Second paragraph:  
-"in other foreign countries" I'd take off "other"  
  
Third paragraph:  
-I'm not convinced about "since the sign of lotus blossoms are often depicted as a throne for the Buddha" maybe "since the ... was depicted".  
  
-"replies by mentioning"  
-"as a demonstration with a golden lotus. "  
-"six-specialist fields"  
-"It makes customers trust this airline when choosing a company to fly with" or "when choosing a flight"  
  
Fifth paragraph:  
-"that is not only use for caring"  
  
Sixth paragraph:  
-"never forget to remind"  
-Vietnam Airlines or Vietnam airline  
- the passenger explores a new thing (maybe experience) during the flight.  
  
Last paragraph:  
-"In conclusion,"  
-"every advertisement have ~~a~~ disadvantages and advantages."  
-"the Vietnam airline advertising"  
-"I strongly believe that this"  
-"that will delver a message" maybe you wanted to write "deliver"?  
-" and that will be a representative for the"
**The graph below shows the population change between 1940 and 2000 in three different countries in the u.s. state of Oregon**  
  
## Washington, Yamhill and Columbia

  
  
The alteration of human population in three different countries in the USA state of Oregon over a 6-decade period is presented in the line chart.  
  
Overall, the rate of human population in all countries rose over the time frame. The chart also indicates that US citizens were more interested in living in Washington.  
  
In 1940, 75 thousand Americans lived in Washington, twice higher than those living in both Yamhill and Columbia only accounting for 30 and 29. Thirty years later followed a similar trend when a gradual increase by around 50 saw in the number of citizens of Washington while a very slightly growth only witnessed in the rate of people in Yamhill and Columbia.  
  
By 2000, there had been a marked rise to almost double in the quantity of people in Washington whereas the citizens of Yamhill and Columbia had increased slightly to approximately 90 for the former and around 75 for the latter. This made Washington as a city with by far the most density population at the end of the period.  
  
*
Ahmad, it would serve better if you post the whole prompt of your essay alongside your draft so that we will know the basis upon which your response is assessed. That said, I will assess your current draft in hope the the prompt takes similar format of the Writing task 1 question. It is important to be careful when paraphrasing the prompt of your essay so that you do not end up changing the entire idea or information in the graph or chart provided. The task 1 is usually a test of your ability to factually interpret, summarize, compare and/or contrast between the information provided. The paraphrase employed in your current draft did not go well with the information in the prompt, probably due to wrong choice of word. You could improve the current opening statement, if you do not want to change it entirely, by starting the statement as follows: 'The line chart presents the alteration in...'. You can join the first and second supposedly paragraphs (which they are not) so as to create a real paragraph since they are somewhat introductory. You were not able to put what you have mind on paper in the third paragraph. 'Rate' can not be used for human. It is wrong to say 'rate of people' but you can say 'rate of population growth'. 'Quantity' as an adjective can not be used to qualify 'people' as in '...quantity of people' but 'number of people' is usable. You also did not include an important and obvious feature on the chart which is relative similarity in growth rate of the population in Yamhill and Colombia compared to that of Washington. Overall, your essay met the 150 minimum word criteria and I must commend your ability to capture the information in the chart. You only need to keep practicing so as to learn more on how to communicate your interpretation to the examiner.
From the grammatical side, a partical is missing "human" should be "a human". The "quantity " word seem not match with the sentences, you need to state "number instead of quantity"  
  
For 1st paragraph : Need to revise the Paraphrase, you just change the structure from active to passive, try to use a synonim or advance vocab to increase the writing score.  
  
For 2nd paragraph : Overview, you need to explain the trend of the chart generally.  
For the 3rd and 4th paragraph there is not major issue. However, it will be better if you use linking words to beutify the sentences.
I'm practising writing ielts test task 2 so i hope someone can check my writing and complain for me ! thanks all  
Topic : **some people think that the best way to solve the problem of poverty in many countries is to set up businesses and improve trade links with rich countries.**  
  
## cooperation with richer, developed states is beneficial

  
  
Establishing new companies in poor countries and rising trade with developed countries is interesting idea to deal with the poverty.  
The connection between poor and rich countries help their business is easier.For example, the international companies can help poor countries by contruct a factory to provide jobs for citizen and taxes for goverment build up their countries.In addition,trade links with rich coutries bring to poor coutries many benefits from technology, it can help them solve power resources, industry or medical,such as new modern technical construction can help developing nation decreasing a lot of time build up the facilities.  
  
In my experience,base on the knowledge of rich countries, poor countries can learn a lot of helpful policy in training their people.For instance, if people are taught reading,writing and mathematics,they can improve their own live without outside help.Moreover,they can set up their own small businesses making local goods such as furniture and then they can be sold for export.  
  
In conclusion,maybe poor countries can solve their trouble, but it will be solved quickly and easily by connect with developed nation. Increasing trade links and establishing businesses with rich countries is the best way to improve the financial and economy in many countries.
Huy, it is usually difficult to tell if your draft has answered the prompt of the essay if we do not know what it states. Always ensure that you post the whole prompt including the question(s) and not just the information provided for the essay. Having said that, I will now give a general assessment of your current post. In the first instance, your essay is short and has failed the 250 minimum word criteria typical of IELTS writing task 2. This would drastically reduce your overall score in the real test. I can understand from your write-up that you are trying to support the idea stated in the prompt. However, your current draft will earn you a low score not more than 4 because your essay does not contain an introduction, as well as lacks proper paraphrasing of the prompt. Usually, this kind of essay should contain an introduction in which the prompt question is paraphrased and an overview of the points to be discussed in the body of the essay is given. In the next 2-3 paragraphs, the ideas highlighted in the introduction are discussed in separate paragraphs and then the essay is concluded in a very concise manner (also paragraphed). So, as your current essay has just two paragraphs, it is poorly developed and would fetch an undesirable score. The points you raised are commendable but lack of introduction and incomplete elaboration are the key problems of your current draft. Altogether, your sentence construction is admirable although you need to keep practicing so as to improve your writing skills in all ramifications.
*I'm practising the IELTS Academic writing - Task 2  
I hope someone can check my essay and give me some advice. Thank you in advance.*  
  
Topic: **What are the key problems facing the world's cities in the 21st century, and what can be done about them?**  
  
## the new era - the new problems

  
  
Nowadays, almost half of the world's population live in urban areas. The overcrowding has serious consequences for the standards of living of city dwellers. In this essay, I would like to argue two of the most pressing urban problems: air pollution and homelessness.  
  
First and foremost, pollution is undoubtedly the most serious. The overcrowding of the cities and the urban sprawl are damaging the environment. In fact, the metropolitan areas are markedly becoming concrete jungles overwhelming by smog in due to the disappearance of green spaces in favour of the uncontrolled construction of roads and buildings.  
  
The government should play a crucial role in protecting green belts and promoting green areas in the urban planning. Moreover, other common suggestions in order to reduce the urban impact should be the imposing of vehicle taxes and the encouraging of the usage of public transports.  
  
Considering the second problem, the urban areas suffer from an increased homelessness. Since the outbreak of the financial crisis in 2008, a considerable number of inhabitants lost their belongings falling into poverty. In addition, a large proportion of people from the rural area, bearing the brunt of economic crisis, has flocked to the cities hoping to find job opportunities but, in the end, forced to live on the streets.  
  
Any civilian society should try to prevent and tackle this situation. A solution could be guarantee government subsidies in order to assure living condition over the poverty line. Furthermore, the authorities should promote the construction of homeless shelters and council estate to avoid the increment of homeless.  
  
In conclusion, clearly, these are complex problems difficult to solve. Nevertheless, unless we take steps to face them now they will represent even more serious challenges in future.
Micol, the prompt of your essay does not in any way imply argumentative essay, therefore, the word 'argue' in your introductory paragraph is not necessary. The second paragraph is not coherent enough. Usually, the first sentence of paragraphs other than the first paragraph in this type of essay is a topic sentence that introduces the point or idea which is elaborated in the next 2-3 sentences. Of course, the point or idea in question must have been introduced in the first paragraph; the introductory paragraph. So, considering your second paragraph, I could see 'pollution' and 'overcrowding'. It would serve best if you discuss only 'pollution' in the context of the problem facing urban cities and not both.. Even if you want to mention 'overcrowding', your expression should reflect how it contributes to pollution in these cities and not stating it the way you did in your current draft. Since you were particular about air pollution, as depicted in the opening paragraph, your discussion should address it and not pollution in general. Also, it is better to develop paragraphs that reflect all the problems first, followed by the solutions and then conclusion. Your current draft alternates problem and solution from second to fourth paragraphs and that's not what the prompt required. The prompt asked you to state 'what can be done about them'. This means that you should talk about the problems and then suggest what the solutions could be. Avoid using vocabularies that would make your points to be unclear to the reader ( see ...becoming concrete jungles overwhelming by smog in due to...). The highlighted expression renders the point in your second paragraph somewhat ambiguous. Overall, for a starter, your sentence construction and grammar is admirable. You only need to improve on that by engaging in more practices.
**Women and men are commonly seen as having different strengths and weaknesses. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?**  
  
## gender discrimination in some jobs

  
  
*It is thought that males and females have different strength and deficiency points, thus the gender is considered a criteria in jobs hiring and selection in specific places. This assays disagrees that women are under-qualified therefore they are unsuitable in certain jobs. This essay will explain the reason behind this opinion as gender has no effect in the quality of task performance in different careers as well as various types of jobs that women were outstanding in them.  
  
It is unfair to classify women as being suitable to a specified list of jobs. The sex of the applicant has nothing to do with the performance quality as skills required in different jobs are usually established by self-discipline and training not given as privilege to specific gender. For example, a BBC news network has once reported that women participation in jobs that was considered before as exclusive for men increased by 35% from the beginning of this century.  
  
Also, it must be mentioned that women were superior to men in significant types of jobs throughout history. Long list of females has proven higher level performance in comparison to males despite the risky nature of that work. For instance, the first person who break the world record number in climbing the highest mountain in the world was a girl in 1934 and the event was huge achievement and strong evidence of the unlimited capability of women.  
  
In conclusion, discrimination between males and females in certain work types is unacceptable and definitely has no sense. Women are considered partners to men and they proved that by long history of their success.*
@ayat\_555  
I think you need to change your introduction paragraph. The first sentence should be the topic of your essay which is basically paraphrasing the topic and the second sentence could be a general answer that would explain your ideas about the topic. I believe you need to replace the two sentences that start with "This essay" and combine them in a single one.  
  
In the conclusion paragraph, I think you should use "against" instead of between after "discrimination". I can see examples of misusing adjectives throughout your essay that you need to replace them with appropriate ones.
Hello everyone,  
This is my first writing task 1 to prepare for Ielts exam in the future. I hope you can help me to review it. Thank you very much  
  
## Music Choice and Pop Parade visitors

  
  
The line graph shows data about how many people visited two new music websites namely Music Choice and Pop Parade.  
Overall, the number of visitors of both sites fluctuated over the period of 15 days. Although the two trends were similar in terms of a general increase, the number of people accessing to Pop Parade site in most days was higher than that of Music Choice.  
  
In the first nine days, there was a gradual decline in the number of people visiting the Pop Parade, from nearly 120 people in the first day to only 40 people in the ninth day. However, the figure for Pop Parade rose sharply to about 150 visitors in the eleventh day before dropping to exactly 80 people for thirteenth day. Pop Parade finally gained approximately 170 visits over the 15-day period.  
  
Over the same period, the number of visitors of the Music Choice varied less significantly than on the Pop Parade. It started with 40 people for the first day, and there was no noticeable change during eleven days. The figure for Music Choice increased dramatically from more than 20 people to 120 people after a brief interval of one day. That figure then fell to about 80 visitors by the fifteenth day.  
  
*
***Hi Hong**, I have read your writing and will offer a fee suggestions for finalizing this.  
Firstly, be careful of paraphrasing the statement. Honestly, you failed to paraphrase the question. It actually contains the information about the number of visits, not the number of people. I guess that is inappropriate because it is possible someone can access the music many times. Pay attention about the axis X and Y in the graph because it can decide how you should describe the data  
  
After that, avoid detailed information in the overview because it can reduce your score. It is sufficient on condition that you present the interesting trend there. Exactly, that needs time so that you should provide your time less than 5 minutes for analyzing the data. It is paramount because this can decide the way you explain in the body paragraphs.  
  
Keep in your mind that your task in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not display separately. You tended to present the data separately. Your sentences are enough good, but you passed one of the essential requirements. It is about the language of comparisons. In fact, the description without the comparisons is less attractive if you can find difficulty to reach the high secore.  
  
Hopefully, my advice can improve your ability.  
GOOD LUCK*
Weijjiang, you should focus on only one aspect of running for your essay instead of trying to develop a number of discussions within it. That is because your current version lacks a chronological presentation of facts. If you wish to discuss more than one topic in the essay, then you should first outline your topics for discussion, making sure that the related information are located within proper paragraph distance of each other. At the moment, your essay lacks coherence, the result of your lack of outline when it came to the discussion procedure. Your essay also suffers from grammatical problems such as capitalized words when it should be written in lower case and your list not being properly formatted for presentation to the reader. The list should have also served as an outline of the succeeding discussion where you would have better represented a discussion of the topic list. the listing doesn't have any importance the way you have it presented now. It doesn't really inform the reader of the benefits because your benefits discussion is not focused. Basically, you just need to make sure that you focus on your discussion topics and allow for a well developed presentation of the topics. Try to limit your essay to only one or two related and important topics in order to prevent confusion in the presentation of the discussion.
Is this okay?  
  
## Internet - best media for the news

  
  
We can find out what happen in our World thanks to the news that come out in the media, but, what kind of media is better?  
  
In my opinión, the best is the Internet. When I was younger and I watched the news on the tv all channels put them at the same time so I could not compare them in order to get a more objective opinión. Also, some news were only in a few channels, maybe because they were not very important for them. If you watch the news in the newspaper you do not have that problem but, it is not very comfortable to look at five or six newspapers at the same time. You do not have those problems if you watch them on the Internet.  
  
I have been watching the news in Internet for years and I can relate that it is the best way to watch the news to be more informed and compare them easily.
***Hello Ismael**, your sentences in this have needed improvement. If you wanna answer the question, please you don't give the answer directly. You can paraphrase the question first such as "There are plenty of media providing news throughout the world, but I tend to state that the Internet is the best medium". After that, you present supporting idea. This is essential because you have to explain why you stated like that. These will strengthen your opinion. It can make your sentences systematic. Following this, you can offer examples based on your personal experiences. These are able to complete your perspective and make your idea clearer. Besides, on condition that you build by using those three elements, it appears the good flow. In addition, you can give a sentence where you restate your view.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you for finalizing this.*
## australia - destination for the jobseekers

  
  
The chart shows the changes in the number of workers immigrating into Australia over period of nine years  
  
Overall, Temporary workers had bigger numbers of people rather than worker who become permanent settlers. Furthermore, both kind of workers had similar trend in last few years.  
  
In 1992, around 40,000 people came to Australia becoming permanent settlers while the number of people who emigrated temporarily at slightly under 15,000. The patterns were always similar which permanent workers had larger number of people rather than transient one until 1996. Temporary community reached double rank from 15,000 to over 30,000 in 1997 and it gradually rose to peak at 45,000 in 2001. Whereas permanent settlers started at 20,000 and it slowly grew to approximately 35,000 in the same period.  
  
Transient employees fluctuated in number to 15,000 from 1992 to 1996. However, it increased dramatically in 1997 that numbered more than 30,000 and steadily peaked at 45,000 in 2001. Even though permanent labour force had great number in 1992, it was also stable around 20,000 from 1993 to 1997. The numbers increased significantly in 1998 at over 25,000. The workers rose in number noticeably and had 35,000 employees in 2001.  
  
*
***Hi Muhammad Rinul**, I have read your writing closely.Honestly, you have needed some improvements to finalize this writing.  
  
Firstly, please double check information of the period. This is a circumstance for a 10-year period, not the 9-year period. It might seem a little problem, but this can reduce your score because you deliver the inappropriate data. Unfortunately, you did it in the first sentence. You are supposed to impress the reviewer in the first.  
  
After that, the information of your overview is not appropriate. The overview is one of the essential elements in the writing task 1 so that you should aware of this element. Your overview did not cover the interesting trend as well. Following this, I suggest it is better if you merge between the first and second paragraph to meet the requirement in making the good paragraph.  
  
As I am concerned, it seemed that you tried to avoid repetition. However, you harness the inappropriate words in some sentences. It might have the same meaning, but the use of those words has the different context. Be careful of this matter since this can reduce your score in the coherence and cohesion.  
  
Hopefully, those can help you to improve your writing skill.  
GOOD LUCK*