dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
@Pureness  
  
Over the ~~pass~~  LAST few decades, ~~together~~ with the advantages of technologies ~~are~~  CAUSES the change of ~~human basic need~~ way of life .  
  
Individuals requirement for ~~"delicious food",~~ delicious food not just to "~~fullfill~~  fullfillthe hunger" like before. They... new ~~complex~~  modified recipe.  
POOR INTRODUCTION,  
  
Dear, Purenss  
I think you need to know the essay format, how write a introduction, develop a paragraph. it would be better to read some paragraph, you read in this forum because here is various essay with experts direction that help you a lots.  
  
Hope my suggestion works for you.  
  
keep writing : )
**Some people believe that the salaries paid to professional sports people are too high, while others argue that sports salaries are fair.  
Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
## sport stars are making a fortune

  
  
Sport events such as football liga and other sport competitions are enjoyable to be watched by viewers and spectators. Professional sportsmen have become very popular and their salaries are a lot of money.  
  
Some people think that professional players earn too much when their huge salaries are compared with scientists or researchers who are responsible for important factors. However, sports professionals are paid by their ticket sale of games and professionals have different salaries due to their performance.  
  
Most people who argue that their salaries are justified consider that successful professionals are very few, and the high salaries are realisation of their skills and success. Career of professionals can last for a short period. There are a lot of sportsmen compared to successful professionals. It needs a lot of skills and time to become a talented sportsman.  
  
I think that huge salaries are deserved by professional players. Their performance which requires hard work gives more motivation to spectators and viewers. There is a saying "No pain, No gain". They work very hard in order to achieve good results. For instance, My hero is Lionel Messi who is the famous player. He faced many difficulties in his life. He had a groth hormone deficiency. But short players are not allowed to football at all. He defeated his disease because of his trust of becoming professional. I think that these type of people deserve to earn a high salary.  
  
In conclusion, I think spending much money for sport stars makes value on the sport and motivate people to be a sportsman or enjoy watching sporting events.
@KCN  
  
Your essay have a critical issue to answer the question. The question said that you must require to discuss both that views. however after I see your essay, that essay only describe your opinion about the prefessional athlete who pays high salary. You should full understanding about the question. If you are still do this you will loose your mark drastically due to limited to describe the task achievement.  
  
My suggestion for you is to ensure what really task needs. If the question required you to discuss both the view, than you must mention another view at least in one paragraph. I have the same problem with you, so good luck and keep trying.
KCN, the essay that you wrote will score no higher than a 3 in an actual setting because it did not capably discuss any part of the task. The TA section was not only faulty, it would have scored only a 2 at the most because it barely responded to the task. Your prompt paraphrase is non-existent in the sense that you chose to discuss the essay immediately and you only presented 2 sentences. The inaccuracy of the TA is what greatly reduced the chances of this essay to gain a passing mark. Your opening paraphrase should always be no less than 3 sentences. The proper paraphrase is:  
  
*It is commonly believed that major athletes are paid too much. The common belief is countered by others who are of the opinion that the wages these skilled sportspersons are paid is only commensurate to the task. I will be analyzing both points of view in this essay. After that, I shall discuss my own point of view regarding the topic.*  
  
Your paraphrase lacks a representation of the topic for discussion, the pov's presented, and how this is to be discussed. Without that representation, your TA will always fail.  
  
The second paragraph would have passed for a first opinion topic discussion if you had only indicated it as such and also expanded the discussion by at least 3 more sentences in order to better explain this point of view.  
  
The third paragraph, suffers from the same situation. Only this time, you under developed the discussion and as such, did not really offer an insightful explanation of the 2nd opinion on the matter.  
  
In your opinion. You should have not use the connecting word "But" to start your sentence because this is an academic paper, therefore, the use of connecting words as a sentence starter is unacceptable. That is only allowed in informal, non-academic writing.  
  
The conclusion is also faulty because you continued a not very well developed discussion of an additional point of view. The concluding paragraph must not to that. The concluding paragraph just summarizes the presented discussion. Since that is not what you did, your essay in fact, does not have a concluding statement and will be scored less because of it.
dear,@KCN  
  
in this essay, introduction is not able to present full prompt. please focus on how to paraphrase that is a important part of essay in scoring band.  
  
one think remember when you write either a introduction or conclusion, each paragraph consists of at least 3 sentences. you need to break down your sentences into short.  
  
more and more reading help you to write a good essay. just read and notice how a essay develop.  
  
hope it help you  
  
keep writing :)
Hello everyone! This is my first time to post my essay in this forum. I hope that I can get some help with the IELTS writing. I will appreciate is you can give me some detailed feedback and scores for 4 different parts! Thank you very much:)  
  
*Some universities now offer their courses on the internet so that people can study online. Is that a positive or negative development?*  
  
## online university courses

  
  
It is true that online courses have become a common feature of university education. Although there are some drawbacks of Internet-based learning, I would argue there are far more benefits.  
  
The main drawback of e-learning in universities is that there is less direct communication. Students enrolled in online courses may not have the opportunity to engage face-to-face with their lecturers and tutors, which makes it more difficult to study. Similarly, students who study online will have less chances to interact directly with their classmates, leading to a negative impact on peer-assisted learning. For instance, whereas students in traditional classes are able to attend seminars or have group meetings, online learners are restricted to chatting through website forum areas, which may affect their motivation in learning.  
  
Despite the drawbacks mentioned above, I believe that the development of online study is a positive trend for several reasons. Firstly, Internet-based learning allows people to study in a more flexible way, meaning that they can work whenever and wherever is suitable for them. Secondly, the cost of education can be largely reduced through learning online courses, since virtual classrooms require less equipment than traditional classrooms. Thirdly and lastly, e-learning provides all people access to learn knowledge as long as they have such willingness, regardless of age, country, language and cultural background. For example, my uncle has enrolled in an online IT course is a university in West Australia, which would have been impossible in the days before online study.  
  
In conclusion, while I recognise the possible disadvantages of online university courses, I consider it to be a positive development overall.
Hello everyone.I started studying IELTS task 1 and this is my first writing.therefore I may be able to make mistakes.Please could you say where I made mistakes?  
  
## Rainfall in Johannesburg and Cape Town

  
  
These two bar graphs show the annual rainfall in Johannesburg and Cape Town from january to December as indicated on the x-axis.The y-axis indicates the amount of rainfall from 0 to 120 millimeters in each month.  
  
In January Johannesburg experiences rainfall about 150 millimeters of downfall.Similarly,Cape Town has almost 110 millimeters of rainfall in June.futhermore,Johannesburg has the least rainfall in June while Cape Town has the highest rainfall in the same month.Johannesburg has got more downfall from October to March than Cape Town.Nevertheless,Cape Town sees more downfall from April to September than Johannesburg.  
  
As we can see from overall shape of these bar graphs,Johannesburg has got high rainfall from October to March and low rainfall from April to September.Opposite to this,Cape Town has got high rainfall from April to September and low rainfall from October to March.  
  
*   
*Cope Town*
*   
*Johannesburg*
Onur , from what I can tell, the most obvious problem in your presentation is your sentence count per paragraph. In most of the paragraphs, you only have 2 sentences when the requirement is anywhere from 3-5 sentences in order to meet the C&C complete paragraph requirements. You use a lot of run-on sentences through commas in your presentation which, detracts from the proper sentence structure and coherence of the paragraph. In the opening paragraph, you could have done it this way instead:  
  
*These two bar graphs show the annual rainfall in Johannesburg and Cape Town. The months indicated are from january to December. The information is indicated based on the x-axis.The y-axis indicates the amount of rainfall from 0 to 120 millimeters in each month.*  
  
Note that you have a capitalization error in the presentation as the month of January is a proper noun and should be capitalized. There is a sentence missing in this format. This paragraph would have been made stronger if you had presented your trending statement here instead of at the very end of the essay.  
  
By the way, you need to use past tense in the presentation because you have already seen the graphs and are merely reporting on it now. Therefore, the rainfall measurements have already taken place. Additionally, the term is "rainfall" not "downfall". Watch out for your capitalization problem. The first word of every sentence must be capitalized. You forgot to do that (again). The second paragraph could have been better divided into sentence sections in order to create more complex structures and offer a more impressive sentence development and grammar range consideration. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to revise complete paragraphs in order to show you the mistakes and then give you the corrected version. I can only point it out to you and you can apply the changes yourself to your next practice test. I cannot come back to advice you on the same essay.  
  
Your essay is running short in terms of paragraph presentations that will gain you a higher score. You need to aim for at least 4 complete paragraphs so that you will have a better opportunity to show off your grammar range, lexical resource, and coherence and cohesiveness skills. The combination of all 4 presented in one essay of 4 paragraphs can help you get higher, per criteria scores for an increased overall scoring result.
@newraki  
  
another suggestion, I hope it will be useful  
  
In the second paragraph it should be a body paragraph which contain and describe a spesific detail on the graph. I think that your discussion is not clear for a viewer. The paragraph do not require viewer's expectation to show the meaning. You shoul more detail to give an clearly image about the graph.  
  
My suggestion, you should fing a TREND or a PATTERN which shows particular change.  
  
help mine to review my essay. Good luck
*Some people think that educated people are more valuable than people who have learned skills through experience. Do you think that educated people are the most valuable for society? What kinds of skills can people learn through experience that can benefit society?*  
  
## the value of education

  
  
It is a common belief that the most worthy of ones in our society is to study a lot instead of the ones who developed its skills by experiencing. I think that we should not underestimate the value of someone who learned its skills through practices. Further, communication technique with years of practicing could benefit our society as a whole.  
  
I believe that people learned skills through practices have more resilience to face many difficult challenges in contrast to those people who merely study the theories in class. As we live in a world where is full of risks and potential threats in different sectors. Educated people had spent years in a protected environment with very little chances to explore the real world. Which blinds them from seeing the side of cruel and dreadful our rapidly changing society. However, people who trained its skills via experiences are the ones entered into workforce early and that resulting them in realizing what to expect and learn from its failures.  
  
In addition, having communication skills with intense practices are definitely beneficial to our society. Because it enables people to learn from one another. Even it is for the educated people who have not ever been working in their lifetimes. As they could use this technique to avoid making many mistakes. Which eventually aids to improve our society economically and culturally.  
  
To recapitulate, some believe that learning skills via experiences rather than in education are less value in our society as a person. However, toughness could be developed in ones because of it and, this attribute character arguably has a significant contribution to our society. Moreover, the master of communication skills in ones would enhance our society to move forward.  
  
Words:286  
  
This time, I used a timer for 30 mins. Please advise me if there are any improvements. It is a great hope that if you could score my essay. Thank you.
SG, let me break this down for you in terms of scoring considerations. It was a very difficult essay for me to read due to lack of clarity in your presentation in most instances. This lack of clarity is what has caused  
  
the lowering of your scores on the overall scale. As the examiner, I would score this essay as follows:  
  
TA - 6 - the ideas you present are truly relevant, but the presentation of the discussion is faulty and does not make sense. This creates a situation where you actually discuss the topic but leave some parts underdeveloped in the discussion.  
  
C&C - 5 - there is a lack of overall progression in your presentation because of your inadequate use of cohesive devices.  
  
LR - 5 - You show a very limited vocabulary range that only helped you accomplish the task indicated. You need to familiarize yourself with more intermediate English words at the very least.  
  
GRA - 5 - Problems with your tense usage abound in the essay which caused extreme difficulty for the reader. Additionally, all of your paragraphs and sentences suffer from grammatical errors in sentence development and presentation. So more English fill in the blanks sentence exercises are required to help you learn how to properly format and develop English sentences.  
  
As this is a direct response question, you must remember some basic grammar rules. Never start the sentences with connecting words such as "And" and "Because", this will cause a lowering of the GRA score. You should also make sure that your opening statement makes sense before you present your direct response. The proper summarizing of the opening and closing information is important. It is imperative that you show a clear restatement of the topic for discussion so that you can increase the TA score. Your current essay is confusing in that part. Here is a sample of what you should do:  
  
*Society believes that people who have a degree have more importance than those who learned their jobs through work involvement. I believe that people who learned on the job are more valuable than their theoretically educated counterparts. There are more skills to be learned from actual familiarity with the work as opposed to idealized training such as unexpected job site scenarios which are not taught in the classroom.*  
  
Take the opportunity to use as many of the 5 sentence allotment to show off your English vocabulary and understanding of the presentation by using more complex scenarios in your essay.
*Every year several languages die out. Some people think that this is not important because life will be easier if there are fewer languages in the world.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?*  
  
## local languages in the global world

  
  
Some international languages are widely used for many purposes. Some maintain that minority languages will die out and some nations tend to keep minority languages. I reckon that most common used international languages ease our life quality and communication with different nationalities. On the other hand, we need to help improve minority languages.  
  
There are many languages in the entire world and two or three minority languages die out each year. Some countries try to save dying languages. For instance, Australian Government created a project to save the language and culture of Maori who are Australian aborigines. And there are other projects to keep minority languages such as American Indian language.  
  
However, worldwide job market usually requires candidates who can speak English or other international languages. People who cannot speak lingua franca could hardly be promoted at work. For example, some companies need an employee who can deal with foreign companies.So that most people tend to learn at least one international language that helps them to find a better job.  
  
Therefore, world needs one common lingua franca that should be spoken in any country. Consequently, one common language should be a required subject in every school. So anyone speaking one common language can travel without worries to any point of the world and trade their products. People will not be obliged to learn many languages.  
  
In conclusion, we should help minority nations to keep their languages for the cultural diversity. To ease the worldwide communication among nations, we should create a common language and provide courses of it. As a result, no one will face a language issue.
Ernazar, your score for this essay will be a 1. I know, I know, that is a failing score. I wanted to give you at least a 2 on this essay but based upon the scoring criteria for the Task Accuracy portion, which is the first and foremost scoring consideration, the response that you gave in the essay is completely unrelated to the task. The tipping point for my decision is the instruction sentence in the original prompt. Let me show you where the mistake lies:  
  
*Original Discussion Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  
Your Discussion Response: I reckon that most common used international languages ease our life quality and communication with different nationalities. On the other hand, we need to help improve minority languages.*  
  
The mistake in your response is as clear as day. You do not, at any point in your opening paragraph, deliver a proper "emotional" response based on the terms "strongly, partially, to a certain extent, totally, and other strong opinion representation terms. The essay asks you to take a strong, emotional response then defend that in your presentation. If you used the term "I partially agree", then you could have used this comparison essay in the discussion. However, since you did not accurately represent the prompt requirements by offering a correct emotional response, the rest of the scoring considerations could not be given heavier weight in terms possible scores.
I agree with what Holt said and also i do not think it is appropriate to use we here as it should be formal In conclusion, ~~we~~ should help ... I will try to rephrase it, In conclusion, it is important to help minority nations to preserve their languages for the cultural diversity.  
  
Also this is one sentence For instance, Australian Government ... aborigines. ~~And~~ and there are ...  
  
The structure of the third paragraph looks wrong to me I would instead say  
The world , therefore, needs one common lingua ... any country and this language should be a compulsory subject in every school which will enable any individuals to travel without worries to any point of the world and trade their products.
hello@ernazaralakoz  
  
i have read your essay, I think you should read more that help your writing. some suggestion is given bellow for your next writing.  
  
your introduction is in poor format. there are some format to write a introduction that need to be followed in writing task; otherwise you will get low band in scoring.  
  
format - paraphrase the promt using different word and sentence structure.  
  
I m sharing here one of my practice writing.  
  
*It is evident that a number of languages have been disappearing each year. This phenomenon is not a concern for some, who urge that fewer languages would be better for worldwide communication.*  
  
*then put your thesis sentence- I totally agree with...............  
next is outline- in this essay, i will discuss........*  
  
hpoe it help you.  
  
keep writing :)
Question: *It is generally believed that the internet is an excellent means of communication but some people suggest that it may not be the best place to find information.*  
  
## Essay-SV-IELT-General

  
  
Discuss both these views and give your opinion(Please access me)  
  
Ans.  
In the past few decades, the internet has taken the prime seat of the communication, but on the other hand, there are people who believe that it is not the place where we can find the apt knowledge of a topic. I am in support of this view that it is a convenient place for finding the information, provided it is used wisely.  
  
Initially, the ancient methods of communication were common among people. It was a tedious job and always relied on the point of view of a person who was considered to be knowledgeable . Also, people had limited needs so had little knowledge and so, there was no window of inventions and hence no information was required.  
  
Due to limited time, everybody has started adopting the technology and learning a lot under a roof without wasting energy. Now e-books are also available where we can search as per the requirement. In India, the government has taken an initiative to connect every nook and corner of the country with a network through a program, DIGITAL INDIA.  
  
Technology has its pros and cons also . There are lot of black cat hackers ,unethical hackers,who are intruding into other territories for spying which is unethical and is a big danger for countries. These can consequently lead to E-wars, for which countries are not ready. So, governments are investing in information security up to the level. There are a lot of job openings for the people working in the IT sector, which is indirectly resolving brain drain issue.  
  
In the above essay, I have put my opinions and I strongly believe that we are progressing with the latest technology, provided we use it wisely.