dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Sandra, Your opening statement shows that you have been learning how to properly paraphrase prompts. There is however, one tiny mistake that you made which would affect your score. Please be ever conscious of the fact that an opinion is never presented in the opening paraphrase as there is no room for you to explain your opinion in that paragraph. Aside from that problem, and the fact that you should have said "health care" instead of "health take care", the paraphrase could earn you a pretty decent TA score that could boost your chances to pass the test.  
  
One other problem, is that your second paragraph does not discuss the responsibility of the government when it comes to promoting a healthy diet. You should not be discussing how the government should help the farmers in this instance. You should be discussing how the government should oversee the restaurants and their menus, offering healthier alternatives to the current slew of junk food being offered. This is, after all, an essay about diet considerations, not farmer cultivation problems.  
  
Your third paragraph is on the mark. But you did not present a personal opinion as indicated in the essay. Always remember that the personal opinion is not considered part of the closing statement. That is always completely defended paragraph presented prior to your concluding statement. In this instance, the essay does not have a proper closing statement.  
  
Now, as per points deductions, the problems I indicated above will have an overall effect on your TA score. Which means the TA score you will get for this essay will not be so high because of the problems that you have. Once the TA clocks in with a lower than passing score, it will be difficult for you to pass the rest of the requirements and the test in general.
**Question:  
  
## Happiness is considered very important in life.

  
Why is it difficult to define?  
What factors are important in achieving happiness?  
  
Give reason s for your answer and include any relevant examples from you won knowledge or experience.**  
  
In this day and age, people increasingly focus on their mental health. The happiness is the most important element in the good quality mental health. Therefore, happiness is significant in our daily life. Happiness is very abstract, also people are hard to give it a definition. Why? Below I will explain it.  
  
First, the main reason is that everyone have their own standard. Some of the people think that earn money very much is happiness. But, some of the people think that have dinner with family is happiness. It depend on the demand of the people. We cannot find the common standard to define happiness. In other words, it have various standard in different people. Although happiness do not have common standard, it have common factor to achieve it. Below I will explain the important factor in achieving happiness.  
  
The main factor is individual factor. That mean the happiness depend on the demand of individual. In my experience, I got the 50% mark in the exam. I felt very happy. My best friend's result same with me. But, he felt upset. Why? It is because the demand of me is lower than him. So, if we want to achieve happiness easily, don't set the standard too high.  
  
In conclusion, everyone have their own standard in happiness. However, if we want easy to get happy, we need to aim not too high. It will have the positive effect for our mental health. Making our more happiness in our daily life.
Hello,  
Here are some corrections,  
  
everyone has their  
think that having dinner  
It depends on the  
it has various standards in  
happiness does not  
That means the  
~~Making our more happiness~~ => Making us happier   
  
I think it could be better if you state one factor in each paragraph with the reason why that factor is hard to get. Normally your two or three body paragraphs should not have the same argument, each paragraph should represent an argument.
Leo, there was an error on your part in representing the prompt paraphrase in your essay. You accidentally did it twice. You are only required to present one paraphrase per essay. Additionally, neither of your prompt representations were accurate. So the failure to properly represent the prompt assured this essay of a failing score. Here is the correct prompt paraphrase:  
  
*One of the considerable factors in the life of a person is happiness. For some reason though, happiness has become almost impossible to explain. Perhaps this is because of the differing elements that an individual feels he needs to fulfill in order to consider himself happy. In this essay, I will explain the reasons for my answer and also, present supporting discussions that come form my personal experience and understanding of what happiness is all about.*  
  
With that proper paraphrase, the next step would have been to present the discussion in the 2nd paragraph. Your reasoning is acceptable it is just the presentation that is wrong. All you have to do to fix that part is to remove the statement "First, the main reason..." and "Below I will explain..." because those are the mistaken presentations that accidentally created a second topic paraphrase.  
  
As for your third paragraph, you actually did just repeat the discussion. Both were based on individual standards for happiness consideration. So your essay is short by 2 more justification discussion paragraphs. There is just no way around that error in this case. So, the wrong paraphrase, the repeated paraphrase, and the wrong discussion method all combined to make sure that you got the lowest possible, non passing score for this essay.
*Some people think that exercise is the key to health while others feel that having a balanced diet is more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.*  
  
## healthy diet and exercises - both crucial for health

  
  
It is commonly believed that the way toward being healthy is by doing the workout. Which leads to others consider that a regular balanced eating habit is far more crucial. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view and present my opinion to this discussion below.  
  
On the one hand, some think that the most effective way to health is by doing exercise. In other words, exercise helps one's body consume the food and convert them into energy as well as expel the toxins by sweating it out. As a result, it keeps one body's system working properly while kicking toxins out of one's body.  
  
On the other hand, others believe that it is far more important to have a right proportion of eating habit. Particularly, having a balanced diet would avoid the negative effect of intaking exceeded one particular substance from the food and therefore, it would keep one's body stay healthy by getting all the good nutrients from a wide variety of food.  
  
Finally, I consider that doing exercise regularly and keeping a healthy diet is equally important. Specifically, by only exercising without giving up on junk food or overly consumed sugar or salt in food would eventually lead to diabetes. Nevertheless, merely regulating the eating habit without a structural and consistent workout schedule would easily suffer any form of heart diseases as its heart muscles are not strong enough to withstand the sudden pressure that might occur in everyday life.  
  
In conclusion, while exercise could help a body function properly. A healthy diet could avoid consuming one specific substance in food excessively. And I suggest that they are both crucial in health because without either one of its habits, which would potentially induce some serious diseases to a person.  
  
Words: 295  
  
Thanks!  
  
CJ
@Jimmy879873  
  
I would like to give some suggestion for you essay, I hope it will be useful  
  
1. In order to attract the reader and make it clear to show your position in this essay, it is better if you mention that both are equally important in the first paragraph.  
  
2.Rather than talking about disease repetitively, you can also mention why exercise is important because it could give relaxation to the body and release stress which is important for mental health. This will give more variation and lexical resources to your essay
I also agree that you should clearly state your position at the beginning. You may want to re-consider the first parts of your sentences to improve the flow of your essay because 'on the one hand', 'finally', 'in conclusion' breaks it down too much and is a bit repetitive.  
  
As for the health aspects, without any references you could just make general statements ie.  
  
~~Specifically, by only exercising without ...~~  
By only exercising and still making unhealthy food choices such as consuming excess salt and sugar, this could lead to future chronic health conditions such as diabetes or cancer.  
  
Also your last paragraph doesn't flow as well. Perhaps try: Although exercise contributes to proper body function, a healthy diet is equally as necessary because it helps reduce the risk factors for developing potential health issues. Together, these habits will provide a more holistic approach to a healthy lifestyle and have a greater chance in avoiding future diseases.  
  
Hope this helps!
SG, aside from the problematic opening statement, that left me dazed and confused, the overall presentation that you have is admirable. The essence of each paragraph is clear with only one topic discussed with proper supporting sentences. Good job. The personal statement provides a highly analytical representation of the previous two discussions in relation to your personal opinion. Excellent work. You show the potential to become a very good essayist. All your paragraphs are within the minimum sentence requirement and a majority of the sentences are acceptably worded and formed so you should get a passing LR, C&C, and GRA score. It is the TA that will actually pull your score down because you were obviously unsure as to how you should write that section. Let me give you an idea about that:  
  
*A common belief is that exercise of the only way to achieve perfect health. Recently though, another idea has begun to take hold. The idea states that a balanced diet may have more value towards the overall health considerations of a person. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view and offer my own opinion regarding the discussion.*  
  
That is a clearer paraphrase of the original prompt. Compare it to the one that you wrote and you will see for yourself why your version is a bit confusing for the reader to understand.
My suggestion is to make your statement clearly at first place, which means, choose a side. This can avoid the confusion if you didnt make the paragraph clear after. At least the reader can understand your preference at beginning. Although the topic ask you to discuss both, and it still ask to show your position. So I think it will be better if you say:  
  
"~~In this essay, I will discuss both points of view ...~~ In my opinion, I think both side are equally important and I will discuss in the following essay."  
  
Hope it helps!
Q：Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children).  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree？  
  
## Helping others voluntarily

  
  
A：  
In the present education system, voluntary service is not a compulsory part of high school programmes but still some people think that it should be added into one of them.  
  
Life is not short but also not so long. People cannot live without interaction and communication. In this process, we learn how to help others and receive aids. As a result, appropriate opportunities offered for students to learn these thing are significant. Students could pick up lessons from helping others and improve their mind of empathy. They will understand why disabilities learn slowly and pay more patience to help them. They will also broaden their horizons by teaching children. Teaching is learning. For instance, they might realize their community service, they recognize distinct living situations and conditions and be more satisfied with their lives.  
  
Although this voluntary course compress the time students could spend on studying and may cause some side effects, such as students are reluctant to help others, it still a meaningful activity to them. In the future, they can have a more mature manner to face other people who need helps. They will be more sensitive when they encounter problems. In my opinion, I definitely think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. There are tens of thousands of problems occurring in the world. If people can become more enthusiastic and welcoming, our lives will be better.  
  
Helping others is not only providing aids but also receiving rewards. We will acquire more medical knowledge by working for a charity in hospital. We will establish a more intense connection with neighbours by helping marshal garbage. There are so many benefits through the voluntary.  
  
(Thanks for helping me.)
Hello,  
Here are some corrections,  
  
and receive aid~~s~~  
learn these things are  
it is still a  
who need help~~s~~  
  
The biggest problem that will have negative effect your score, is the way you paraphrased in the introduction section. Yout just copy/pasted the original prompt and also did not state which side you are supporting. Also, try to have at least 3 sentences in each paragraph. It is the minimum requirement.
Liou, your discussion is not aligned with the prompt requirements. You are being asked to discuss one side of the topic. Either you agree or disagree. You did not present an opinion based on the selections in the essay that you wrote. Therefore this essay fails immediately based on the TA portion of the score. Your paraphrase is incorrect. Although you did not copy and paste the original, as erroneously commented by the previous poster, you did not give an accurate representation of the prompt either. Here is a sample of the correct representation:  
  
*Community service is not currently a part of the compulsory subjects in high school. Some people have the opinion that unpaid community service should be part of the subjects taught in secondary school because there are some lessons for them to learn in the process. I strongly agree with the latter statement for a number of reasons that will be discussed in this essay.*  
  
Your current discussion deviates from the prompt. That means, you are not discussing the essay in a manner appropriate to the original instructions and therefore, ended up failing the essay test.
Lanya, there are a number of problems existing in this essay that makes it impossible for me to consider it a properly developed IELTS essay. The rundown of the problems are: improperly presented prompt restatement, improperly formatted paragraphs, incorrect number of paragraphs. and information in the opening statement is presented which is not require nor allowed since it is a paragraph meant solely for prompt restatements. Now for the nitty gritty of your mistakes.  
  
The prompt restatement is as follows: *There is a belief that the the quality of education can only be improved if universities increase the salaries of their professors. While others may agree with this statement, I tend to disagree with it. In this essay, I will be presenting my line of reasoning, with accompanying evidence to support my stance on the topic for discussion.*  
  
A simple paraphrase just restates the information originally provided in the writers own words. Extra information is not required at this point because you are being scored on your ability to paraphrase and follow instructions. The 3 body paragraphs is where the actual discussion and presentation of information takes place.  
  
Since there is a 5 sentence, 5 paragraph limit to the discussion, you should not try to over emphasize your discussions as you have done so now. Just pick one, easy to discuss and justify reason for development in the paragraph. Anything more than one becomes harder to justify and present within the allotted time frame. Remember, you still need to edit, revise, and proofread your essay before submission. So writing a short informative paragraph is always best.  
  
Now, as per my understanding this prompt is for an IELTS essay, yet somehow, you have chosen to discuss it as a GRE essay. It is a GRE essay because you are insisting on discussing the statement of an author when no article has been provided for your review. You were only given a simple statement that must never be attributed to anyone in the discussion because there is no actual source for the statement. That "author" reference is one of the major reasons that this essay became weak and failed to follow the instructions for discussion as originally provided.
It is neither possible nor useful for a country to provide university places for a high proportion of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  
  
## skills are what matters most

  
  
In some countries, the policy of education is aim at expanding more empty places in universities for young students who just only graduated from high school. Although there are some advantages for economic and social, I completely agree that there isn't realistic for such a high proportion of young people following university studies.  
  
It is not feasible to offer places in universities for most youngsters. First and foremost, the payment for building more campuses would be prohibitive, not to mention the cost for buying indispensable teaching equipment. Without learning areas, new students accepted by these universities wouldn't have their own spaces to study and must join other old classes, which makes the teaching quality go down. Moreover, the entrance mark of these colleges must be lowered in order to match with the education level of youngsters. Clearly, the standard of learning in higher education would be unstable.  
  
In terms of manpower resources for the country economic, this doesn't bring back any advantages. In spite of the truth that many countries dream of having many people who have finished their higher education and been well-trained about social problems, this would be the reason for lacking of skilled technicians and employees in manufacturing and service sectors. Instead, the government should pay more attention on opening more classes teaching realistic jobs for school-leavers, combine with the opportunities of gaining real experiences or getting a job, which not just learning theory. To balance a steady economic means providing good work opportunities in all sectors of economy.  
  
To sum up, I fully agree with the idea that learning is not enough and having skills in every part of the economy are what we want.
Hello,  
Here are some corrections,  
  
the cost of buying  
the country economically  
  
I believe you wrote a great essay. With a wide range of vocabulary and grammar structures. But your body paragraphs didn't provide an example. It is good practice to add examples for each argument you made.  
  
Your Summary paragraph is too small. the minimum number of sentences for each paragraph should be 3. And also it does not give a complete overview of the essay.  
  
Another point, although it could be just me, in the middle of paragraph 4 I kind of lost your point. I think because there were too many details.
Ameila, you started out discussing one topic in this essay and ended with a different altogether. All of your paragraphs do not properly discuss a reason, it only points out multiple reasons in one paragraph. Thus creating an incoherent and non-cohesive essay presentation. It isn't enough for you to simply indicate that you know the reasons. You have to pick the strongest reason and build up your discussion of that in one paragraph. That is how you prove your English comprehension skills and properly address the requirements of the prompt. At this point, this essay contains a mash up of information that you failed ot keep track of which is why you ended up discussing two different topics in the end. One reason per paragraph, that is the best way to write the explanatory statements. Never more than that. More than that and you end up with this failure as an essay.  
  
You were only being asked to discuss an extent of your agreement or disagreement with the given topic. It had nothing to do with the discussion of manpower in your country. That is where your prompt went totally wrong in its presentation. You need to remember to review the prompt requirement as you write so that you do not forget what the topic is and you can double check your work to make sure you are staying on track with your writing. You veered off course with this essay.  
  
All of these reasons piled up to create a non prompt responsive essay. Don't feel too bad though. As we point out your mistakes, you should start to get your writing on track and develop a better focus towards your essay discussion development.
## advantages and disadvantages of social networking

  
  
Social networking has become a major part of our society. It enables people from all over the world to connect with each other, share information and send messages. Since people are spending more and more time surfing social networks, it is important to find out that social networking affects our lives in a positive or negative way. From my point of view, social networking unfortunately does more harm than good.  
  
First of all, social networking is possibly addictive. Many people wake up each day and check social websites first instead of reaching for a newspaper. Some are obsessed by social networks and ofter go online with their phones almost every hour to have their status updated. As a consequence, they can easily get distracted during work or lessons. Another drawback to social networking is that some users share too much information without being aware of the fact that there are stalkers, cyber-bullies who can use such information to blackmail them and even gain ransom. Even if a user of a social site has her privacy setting on the highest level, her informaatuon can still be passed on by someone on her friend list. The victims of blackmail and cyber-bullying may have to face stress, depression or even mental breakdown. In addition, there is an extensive range of mental and health problems known to be caused by spending too much time on social network.  
  
To sum up, the disadvantages of social networking outweighs the advantages. While social media are increasingly becoming an inevitable part of our lives, we have to be cautious not to be dependent on it since it could lead to unexpected problems.
@darlynng  
Hi Trang, based on the question you raise and the conclusion you gave I think you should change the approach of your essay as introduction, body and conclusion part. so that you can give an overview about social network in your introduction part and write about how it harms and how it helps in your body and based on the reasons you will give in the body part you can make the conclusion which can be the same conclusion you gave in your essay. But you have to justify that by comparing the two in the body part which will be your second paragraph.