dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
***In some countries, only a few young people go to classical music concerts or plays and performances in theater. Why?***  
## Should young people be encouraged to attend more classical music plays and performances?

  
  
I am going to take an IELTS exam four months later. Please help me improve my writing skill. Thanks a lot!  
Total words: 360  
  
Innovation has appeared in every single aspect of the world, and entertainment is not an exception. Therefore, teenagers nowadays are considerably less interested in being audiences in theatre, which results in numerous criticism claiming that the youth should be supported to come to those places. In my opinion, I am in disapproval of this contention. The explanation will be given after discussing some reasons for the decreased number of teenagers attending theatre.  
  
To begin with, the main reason for the descendant of young people coming to classical concerts or plays is that this kind of entertainment is no longer suitable for them. Society has adopted more types of recreations, which can match teenagers' favor. For instance, cinemas, EDM festivals are widely preferred thanks to their energetic intrinsics. Meanwhile, classical performances are so fluty that hardly can they satisfy the crazy nature of the youth. That's why young people nowadays tend to less prefer coming to theatre.  
  
To the best of my knowledge, I believe that encouragement for teenagers attending theatre's performances is not necessary. Firstly, the innovation of recreations throughout different eras is a must. We should not support the millennials to have interest in classical performances because their forebears did. What's more, each century has its own taste of art and that's explaining for the different favourite recreations of teenagers and older generations. In addition, such courage can lead to adverse effects on young people because of their unstable intrinsic and the distaste for classical performances.  
  
There are few arguments saying that the cultural-historic values will disappear if millennials are not supported to attend theatre. Although I agree that this thought has some validity, I think it is exaggerated. The flow of times will gradually make the characteristic of teenagers more suitable for classical concerts or plays as they become mature. Consequently, these historic artistic features will be preserved, then passed down for the offsprings and continue to exist.  
  
Having analysed all things above, I greatly believe that we ought not to make intervention in the millennials' favourite entertainments so as to remaining their distinctive taste. Classical music concerts or plays and performances in theatre will come naturally to the youth as time passes.
@Priscillia  
  
Dear Priscillia,  
  
After reviewing your IELTS writing task 2, I personally think that your logical paragraphs are very good, but it contained too many personality opinions and it did not have enough consistency between the topic and your answer. For example, the topic did not acquire to discuss the cultural-historic values would be disappeared or not, but you have it (I think you want to use this to support your idea "encouragement for teenagers attending theatre's performances", but you've already explained the reason in the previous part). You should put it into the 3rd paragraph.  
  
One more thing, the conclusion did not completely focus on the topic, maybe it will decrease your band score.  
  
Besides that, your vocabulary used very well. Keep it up!
Priscilla, the number of words that you type above the minimum count are not going to help increase your overall score. The ideal word number is anywhere between 275-290 words. This is the ideal count that will help you focus more on the LR, C&C, and GRA sections of the scoring consideration. Anything more than just, proves that you can type fast, but not necessarily within a clear or understandable context. The main scoring consideration is based on how well you explain your thoughts in English, not the number of words that you can type, or the vocabulary that you know, which may be used in the wrong context. You typed very well in this essay, but it did not translate to a well scoring essay because of the problems that exist in your presentation. This is why the number of words do not matter as much as the content, clarity, and presentation of the essay. For these 3 considerations, you should allot at least 10 minutes towards the end of the writing test, for proofreading and improvements to the presentation.  
  
Your restated prompt is entirely out of context and does not relate to the original presentation. You must learn to identify keywords that describe the factors in the original discussion point. The keywords in this case are : countries, young people, classical music concerts, plays and performances. The reference to the performances should never be mixed up with ordinary entertainment and theater. Your alternative word usage representing classical music concerts, plays and performances were faulty. The alternate words used were incorrect and will lower the LR score due to incorrect descriptive word usage.  
  
As far as I can tell, you are constantly misusing descriptive words in this essay. For example. descendant means: a person or animal that is descended from a specific ancestor; an offspring. I sincerely doubt that is not the meaning you were aiming for when you decided to use that word. You have to remember, word meaning in your native language will not translate the same way to English. So you have to be highly familiar with English word meaning and usage forms. That is the only way to avoid those types of errors in the future. Your English grammar is beginner-intermediate, not yet at intermediate level.  
  
You should not agree with anything in this presentation since you are not being asked for an opinion discussion. Do not present information that is going to be a part of the original discussion requirements. You will lose points for altering the prompt discussion focus. This error continued into the concluding paragraph, which, rather than summarizing the overall discussion, ended up changing the discussion parameters totally. This will ensure that your essay cannot pass the test. Stick to the prompt requirements, and your pass. Alter the discussion elements, and you fail.
I'm checking for your grammar errors.  
I guess you meant "the descent" (= the decrease) instead of "the descendent" as they have a different meaning.  
In the third paragraph, you should add "s" behind "characteristic" in the sentence the characteristic**s** of teenagers.  
In the third paragraph, it is "the flow of time" without the "s" in the end of the "time".  
In the third paragraph, I guess you meant "such encouragement" instead of the word "courage" which is quite not suitable.  
Great job. You covered a quite extensive of vocabulary. However, I do find your essay a bit unnatural with your word choice and consistency.
## The picture illustrates the viable household power production in the future.

  
  
It is obvious that, there are 6 stages for the process of generating home use electricity while the most essential part will be the two tank, which are the composting tank and methane gas storage tank, the process also include the usage of a compressor, combustion engine, generator and battery.The size of the all parts of the electricity production is taller than a person.  
  
The first stage involves the decomposition of domestic trash and water in the composting tank, then methane gas will be generated, it will be transferred into the storage tank. Next, the methane gas will be compressed through the compressor and will be delivered to the combustion engine which turns the methane gas into mechanic energy. This energy then will be converted to electrical energy by the generator which will ultimately stored into battery for home use.
Post the image to go with your task next time. I require it for a proper and complete review of your data report. I will do what I can in terms of a general review, but do not expect an intricate review as that cannot be done without the image that accompanied the task.  
  
The summary overview should be longer than one sentence. This should have at least 3 descriptive sentences within it, including the trending statement. You will lose valuable TA points when you present such an incomplete summary. It could actually make you fail the test from the very beginning.  
  
Since there are 6 steps in the process of creating home electricity, the succeeding explanatory paragraphs need to be composed of 3 procedures / steps each. Each one supporting the explanation of the process, why it is important, and how it helps usher in the next stage of the energy production process. I am basing this on a general reference point, without having seen the image. This is why the supplying of the image is required for these practice essays. I cannot assess if you are working within the given instructions or not. I can only assume things without it.
## university campus in 2010 and now

  
  
The maps show improvements that have been made to a university campus between 2010 and the present day.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant:  
  
The diagrams illustrates the development of a university campus since 2010 until now.  
Overall, the university has gone through a dramatic change in form of appearance. It provides more facilities than in the past and also extends the accommodation for students. There are also a new road that appear in the south-east.  
  
The lawn & seating around the lake in the center was removed. Likewise, they cut out the south-east restaurant. Besides, the shops next to this restaurant was replaced with a student accommodation. Meanwhile, the south-west student residence in 2010 was converted into student facilities such as shops, offices, etc...  
  
A new student residence was built right on the site next to the old west student accommodation building. Moreover, there used to be university offices in north, but now they turn into a science building. Last but not least, teaching block which included arts and science was redesigned as a new arts building.  
  
* 
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How many diagrams? Be specific, the comparisons could be based on several diagrams. The reader needs the specifics. So 2 diagrams compare the set up for the campus based on what? It is not from 2010 until now. Rather, it is a comparison of 2 diagrams based on images from 2010 and the current year. The phrase "until now" would refer to a continuous set of images that show consistent changes from 2010 leading up to the present time. This is an incorrect information reference that could reduce the accuracy score of your report.  
  
You are not fully utilizing your ability to make a clear data report. You only wrote 153 words which, though over the minimum requirement, limited your ability to get better C&C and GRA scores. Simply completing the basics of the task are not enough. Try to write more about the images, without using non-academic writing techniques (etc. and the use of ellipses) which would lower your GRA score. You are relying only on 2 sentence representations when it is the minimum 3 sentence presentation that will allow you to get a better overall score.
**Topic:**  
## More and more people are relying on their private car as their major means of transportation.

  
***Describe some of the problems overreliance on cars can cause, and suggest at least one possible solution.***  
  
**My essay**  
  
Nowadays, car is and will continue to be a widely-used form of transportation. In my opinion, this trend can soon cause alarming problems for the environment as well as people. It is important for all individuals to take action to prevent the matters from getting worse.  
  
To begin with, car, since it was introduced and brought into operation, has caused lots of issues for the environment. Particularly, it is the main source of air pollution and the biggest contributor to global warming. While running, cars produce a concerning amount of toxic fumes, like cacbon dioxide, and release them into the atmosphere. From times to times, the situation gradually gets more serious as these fumes accumulate, directly contributes to global warming.  
  
Besides its impact on the environment, the steadily increasing number of cars also affects people. Traffic congestion is one of the biggest issues. For people's overreliance on cars, the rising frequency of traffic jams is inevitable, causing plenty of problems and inconveniences on people's daily life. Car accident is also a worth-mentioning matter, threatening million lives each year.  
  
To solve the problem, both the authorities and citizens of every nation around the world need to act together. For the authorities, focusing on the development of public transportations and encouraging people to use them can somewhat contribute to improve the situation.However, the main role relies on each individual, people need to acknowledge how private vehicles are affecting this planet and how their actions can create changes.  
  
To conclude, overreliance on private cars has caused many problems not only for the environment but also people themselves. Everyone need to be aware of the situation and take action together to solve the issue.
Your problems lie mostly in the GRA aspect of your writing. You need to learn to properly use connecting words ( ex. a, the) in relation to the singular or plural form of the subject presentation. you can clearly see this problem in your prompt restatement, where you needed to use the word "the" after "Nowadays". The plural form of the word should also be used (cars) in reference to the original prompt.  
  
There is a lack of accuracy in your prompt restatement. You have offered an opinion, when you were not asked to do so. This changed the prompt instructions from the original as you added an action, which was not required in the presentation. The addition of an opinion has provided a prompt change which will affect your TA score negatively. You also failed to provide the 3 discussion points in the thesis portion. While you did offer a restatement of the discussion instructions, that would not have helped to increase the TA score. Providing the discussion outline shows and academic familiarity with research / opinion paper writing, which could have provided you with a better TA score.  
  
You are redundant in your 2nd paragraph presentation. Rather than presenting the topic for discussion in that paragraph, you repeated the prompt discussion requirements again. Always start with a clear topic sentence that allows the reader to understand the discussion points to be presented instead. Redundancies do not help to increase your C&C score as these repetitions do not add to the information or value of the discussion.
Hello,  
The topic requires you to 1) describe the problem of using private cars too much and 2) the solutions to address the problem. Thus, I think you should do the body of the essay in just 2 paragraphs only. Additionally, your essay also lacks relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Your solutions in the fourth paragraph are so general, you need to provide clearer and more logical solutions. For example, you wrote, "However, the main role relies on each individual, people need ..." So how can these people acknowledge the problem and realize that their actions can create changes? Also, you can add a few examples of how a simple action can make big improvements to the environment.  
  
*That's all from me. Hope your next essay will be successful.*
***Some people think that public transport should be funded by the government so that it can be free to the people who use it.***  
## To what extent do you agree or disagree.

  
  
Public transport has become a common vehicle in our daily life. Those means of transport has brought many benefits to our environment. In other word, the more people travel by public transport the more benefits are gained. Thus, I party approves that government should make it free for public transport users.  
  
As I mentioned above, Public transport like bus is one of the key elements to improve environment quality for reducing the amount of pollutant particles stem from cars and motorbike, cutting down the expenses the government has to pay to solve air pollution. In addition, lessening the number of vehicles on the streets solve traffic congestion, benefiting the countries where bottlenecks are commonly the norm. Besides, to make it possible, the government should raise tax to balance the fiscal budget, motivating people to travel by public transport since they have paid for their trip through taxes  
  
However, public transport includes not solely bus but also other expensive means of transport like train, ship and airplane, which cannot be totally funded by the state for the high price and not everyone travels by those vehicles every day, which makes it irrational for them to pay for the vehicles they do not use frequently. Hence, the policy should only apply for bus travelers who only need to travel in short distance. If the policy is approved by the state, not only the air quality will be benefited but the awareness of community will also grow since many poor people will be able to travel around easier.  
  
In short, state-funded bus can facilitates air quality and increase the sense of community of people in a country. However, applying such policy to other means of public transport like train or airplane should be unreasonable for high price and having less travelers than pedestrians
The prompt restatement is incorrect as it includes personally developed information. This removes the original reference points in the original presentation and alters the presentation and understanding for the reader. You must stick only to the provided information for the restatement so as not to alter any of the provided data while preserving the text meaning. A more appropriate restatement would have been:  
  
*A public idea has been emerging regarding the existing mass transit system. There are those who believe that the urban transportation service should be completely subsidized by the bureaucracy so that the population can use the services free of charge. I partially approve of this idea based on the reasons that... and....*  
  
The two discussion topics can help bring clarity and support to your opinion, upon which your TA score is heavily based. In your presentation, you lack not only alternate word usage for keywords, but you also failed to present a clear opinion based on your measured response.  
  
Your reasoning paragraphs are too wordy, but fail to get to the point in a cohesive and concise manner. You need to focus on a shorter but clearer discussion presentation, rather than using so many words to simply introduce your topic sentence. This is not a word or vocabulary test, this is a test of your analytical skills, presented in English, based on summarized but clearly explained discussion presentations.
## Putting Too Much Pressure on Kids

  
  
It is true that the over insistence of parents on their offspring becoming high achievers has placed a tremendous amount of pressure on them. The development of this trend is attributable to several reasons and it's continuation can result in pernicious outcomes.  
  
One fundamental factors contributing to the formation of this child-rearing style is the competitive attitude among parents. Children are often obliged to indulge in a plethora of both academic and non-academic activities as competency in various fields is believed to be essential for their success in the future. Moreover, youngsters are subject to increasing pressure due to the supposed correlation between achievements at school and status in society, which tends to aggravate the compulsion. In some cultures, exceptional accomplishments are often associated with pride as well as prestige while poor performances are considered a disgrace to the family. Another underlying reason is the wariness for the same predicaments in their children of those who once strove for prosperity.  
  
This coercive parenting method is likely to cause detrimental repercussions on a child's mental health. Although setting high expectation is incentivizing but compelling adolescents to involve in activites beyond their bounds of interest and capability can lead to counterproductive results. Psychological sufferings such as depression, insomnia and inferiority complex can stem from chronic strain. Furthermore, over-demanding parents has taught their kids to become fearful of failures and reluctant in decision making, from which they develop a consequential vicarious lifestyle.  
  
In conlusion, though this forcible attitude may provide children with some proper career orientation, I believe that excessive parental aspiration could be psychologically disadvantageous for them.
It is true that the over insistence of parents  
- Do not exaggerate the given topic for discussion in the original prompt. Since you were not asked if the implied discussion topic is true or false in the original prompt, there is no need to refer to such a statement in your representation of the prompt. This was the only problem in your first paragraph. You did well enough in the response to the questions provided. While a discussion topic presentation would have garnered you a higher TA score, the restatement of the discussion instructions will also be an acceptable presentation in that section. It will not increase your TA score to the extent that the outlined response would have, but it will help your TA score just the same.  
  
The reasoning paragraph was well developed until the last sentence in the presentation. The topic in that section was not fully explained, defended, nor supported in your presentation paragraph. That single error in presentation in that paragraph automatically made it under developed, resulting in minimal point deductions, but deductions nonetheless. Never add a topic you cannot fully develop alongside the other topics. Do not risk receiving point deductions. You never know if the percentage deduction might prevent you from receiving a passing score.  
  
The results paragraph and the conclusion are acceptable and show that you are capable of properly developing discussion presentations in a manner that will be clear to the reader. You also avoided making notable GRA errors in both paragraphs so your score will benefit from the "clean" presentation of those sections.