dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
**Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely.  
  
Discuss both these views and give tour own opinion.**  
  
## sharing information for world prosperity

  
  
In today's world, information has a lot of values. while there are a lot of companies or people that share their data or knowledge, others try to keep data to themselves. I will talk about both points of view and also share my own ideas as well.  
  
From one side, data and knowledge bring a lot of power with itself. And there are people who share their knowledge with everybody. There are the people who push the world forward. Because when the data or results from their work are available, others can extend the findings or even invent something new.  
  
On the other hand, there are companies or people that always try to hide their findings, sometimes the data is critical or in some cases secret (e.g. military information) which is understandable, why they can't present them to the public. But in some cases, it is because of the selfishness of one person. for example, apple inc. always tries to hide the new inventions and doesn't publish any papers about their work, And it is the reason why scientists are not willing to work for them because their work will remain anonymous.  
  
In my own opinion, everyone should publish the information they have, of course with the right copyright statement. It makes their work much more valuable. For example, I always publish my works and it gives me the joy to watch people extend it. People always appreciate that and no one ever misses my findings.  
  
In conclusion, there are two types of people. Some people think it is alright to share the information with the world. While others disagree. Although it is fine to keep the critical information to yourself. I think sharing will have a lot of good feeling and also makes the world a better place.  
  
(303 Words)
Hi I read your essay completely and carefully, my feedback is as fallow:  
there are some corrections:  
1- last sentence of first paragraph  
~~also~~ share my own ideas ~~as well~~  
2- the last paragraph:  
(sharing ) its a little bit confusing, sharing what?  
overall the transitional words that you used are not so good.  
try to use transitional words fit to the content and context of the sentence and paragraph  
in some points some transitional words are good but not interesting if you use another one it will be more interesting and finally your essay will be coherent and  
  
attractive for reader.
There are 2 observational points that I would like to call your attention to. The first, is the problem pertaining to how you develop your discussion sentences. There is a basic grammar rule in English writing that indicates a writer cannot start a sentence with a connecting word because a connecting word requires the presence of previous information in the same sentence in order to be effectively used. You violated this rule twice in the second paragraph. You know which words I am referring to (And, Because).  
  
The second observation I have relates again, to your grammar structure in relation to the coherence and cohesiveness section of the essay. As you know, the main requirement for the C&C section is that complete paragraphs need to be presented in order to be accurately scored for the section. Yet, in your opening paraphrase and third paragraph, you have run-on sentences presented. This will result in points deductions. Each thought must be indicated as a separate sentence in order to allow for a proper explanation and appropriate grammatical presentation in the paragraph.  
  
I have to make one additional observation before I close my message to you. Do not place examples in a parenthesis. Any examples presented in these essays need to be developed as full supporting statements for an opinion presented. When you place it in a parenthesis, it doesn't have any bearing nor contribution to the discussion.
**The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.  
summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.**  
  
The diagram compares the portion of people from Austalia based on age group who exercise regularly in 2010.  
  
It shows that Australian females have the most activity from age 35 to 64. in contrast, Australian men exercise more when they are younger, specifically from 15 to 24 years old. also from ages 25 to 64, women have more activities than men, but in other periods they are fairly close.  
  
While the portion of active Australian men drops down as they get older, females figures increase. However, when they get older, after 65 years old, numbers are pretty much the same. Also, over 40 percent of both males and females have regular exercise after age 45. Although this number never went under 40 for females, for men in a brief period when they are 25 to 34 it reached to 39.5%.  
  
In conclusion, It seems that females have more physical activities than males in overall. And they reach to almost same number when they are above 65 years old.  
  
(153 Words)  
  
**And I have a related question, do numbers count as words in IELTS exam?**  
  
*
@just\_writer  
There are some misinterpretations in your writing. For example:  
It shows that Australian... => *The report shows that Australian females between the age 35 to 65 **do more exercises**.*  
When you use **younger** I expect some refrence to **older** in your previous sentence, because you said **in contrast**.  
**portion of active Australian men**-> *portion of men who do regular exercises*  
you can ommit **but** when using **also**.  
**have more physical activities** =>*do more physical activities*  
Minor:  
Capitalize first character in th begining of a sentence.
Yes, numbers are included in the word count. Whether spelled out or numerical, it counts towards the total number of words used in the essay. Now, on to your essay proper. The opening summary that you wrote is again, incomplete. There needs to be an outline of the information that is going to be presented, the method of measurement, and the instructions for the discussion. The trending statement should also be included in this presentation. These all comprise the outline of the body of paragraphs and also, delivers the necessary requirements for the TA scoring based on English comprehension skills. Your opening summary must always follow the required 3-5 sentence requirement without which, the presentation will not be considered a complete paragraph. Without all of the necessary information provided in summary form, your analytical overview can be deemed incomplete and this, scored down.  
  
Be mindful of your spelling. Always double check and proofread before submitting your essay. You made a mistake in presenting the name of the country. In the trending paragraph, you said "Austalia" when you meant to say "Australia". Simple spelling mistakes such as that still result in points deductions.  
  
All the data in the essay must be present in the essay you write. You cannot be selective of the data you will be presenting because that results in an incomplete analysis. The data is there to help you increase the overall information you will be presenting, which will allow you to write more words and thus, increase the GRA score.  
  
Please remember that in academic writing, you are not allowed to start a sentence with "and" because that signifies a connecting term. Since there is nothing to connect at the start of a sentence, you cannot use that term to open the discussion.
## USING MOBILE PHONES

  
  
**Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society?**  
  
In recent years, the population of mobile phones has been making a great deal of public controversy due to its substantial impacts on human lifestyle. Although the idea that mobile phones do more harm than good appears reasonably, they bring more positive effects overall.  
  
There are a number of reasons why the mobile phones are necessary to the individuals in daily life. First, using mobile phones is one of the most efficient and inexpensive ways to communicate with others. Before the appearance of mobile phones, delivering a message from a location to another would require the physical travels, costing unnecessary time, efforts and money. Second, people can use mobile phone as a convenient tool to caught information and news worldwide faster. For example, mobile phone users easily read news on their devices, reducing fee and time for buying a newspaper or magazines.  
  
Another compelling reason for using mobile phones is that they bring a number of advantages to the society. In fact, mobile phones have functions that enable users to keep contact, thereby promoting the social behaviors and strengthening the social connections. For instance, people are more likely to lose important contacts or even forget one another if they do not use cell phones. In addition, since the industry of mobile phones has been creating more jobs and new positions, it plays a significant role in the development of society. In some countries, this industry has an extraordinary innovation and expansion, contributing to a large part of GPD and the income of citizens every year.  
  
In conclusion, the upsides of mobiles phones still outweigh their disadvantages. Everyone should learn to use mobile phones efficiently instead of apperceiving them.
Huynh, you properly discussed the prompt by choosing to discuss only one side of the issue. This is a clear instruction based upon the existence of the word OR in the instruction sentence. There was no requirement to discuss both sides then offer a personal opinion. This is a personal opinion essay only. It is not a comparative discussion essay.  
  
There are only 2 problems with your essay at this moment. The first, is that your topic paraphrasing is not aligned with the original as you indicated "a great deal of controversy" when the original prompt only presented a discussion topic, no controversy attached to it. It does not help your essay when you exaggerate the original topic for discussion because it shows that you do not have the ability to truly understand an English sentence and that you tend to over sensationalize a discussion due to your lack of English comprehension skills. Your instruction paraphrase however, is acceptable. Here is how the topic paraphrase should have gone:  
  
*These days, it is not uncommon for people to respond to work and personal notifications coming from their cellular phones. This allows the public to stay in contact with one another during the week, including weekends. Although the idea that...*  
  
Fixing the topic presentation to be more in line with the original discussion, plus your appropriate instruction restatement would have increased your TA score.  
  
Now, you have a tendency to score lower in the C&C section of the essay because you try to discuss multiple ideas in one paragraph. You are actually only allowed to discuss up to 3 reasons in this essay within the body paragraphs, which will represent one idea per paragraph. You have to use only one idea per paragraph because you need to fully explain and support your reasoning behind your topic sentence. Right now, you only have representations of ideas, not fully understandable and logically acceptable reasons because you only list the reasons without a solid explanation to support it. That is what happens when you discuss one too many reasons in a paragraph that only allows for a maximum of 5 sentences each.  
  
Finally, we careful of your vocabulary use as this could result in a failing LR score. The term "apperceiving", is a verb that means "to perceive (something) in terms of past experience." That is not a term that falls within the context of the discussion you are presenting. Do not try to impress the examiner by using "big" words when you are not sure of when or how to use them. That will only adversely affect your overall score. Specifically, the LR score. Using simple English words that get your point across would have been a far more effective method of closing your essay.
TOPIC:- **should long-term job-seekers in receipt of government benefits be made to do voluntary work so that they give something back to the community?**  
  
## voluntary services contribution

  
  
In many countries, the government gives benefits to the unemployed or long-term job-seekers. It is observed that people take undue advantages of these benefits and take it for granted. Some people suggest that this section of the society should be involved in voluntary services. As their involvement could be considered as their contribution to the community.  
  
In my opinion, unemployed people should be involved in different types of voluntary works based on their skills and key interests. As this will be a significant contribution to the betterment of the society. For example, voluntary works like teaching kids in a remote village would be a remarkable step in the upliftment of the underprivileged society.  
  
Moreover, such interactions could also help these people in enhancing their knowledge, building confidence and overall personality development. Their involvement in voluntary services would make them realize the importance of work. They would develop a sense of ownership and responsibility towards their work. Furthermore, such activities could also help people in building strong networks. As they would get ample of opportunities to interact with people and showcase their talents. This could aid them to fetch a good job based on their key interests.  
  
However, there are a few drawbacks to it which cannot be ignored. It is observed that people involved in community services like working with poor children, senior citizens, abandoned or injured animals etc., expose themselves to the risk of emotionally getting involved. This would leave them sad or anxious for those whom they are trying to help.  
  
To conclude, doing voluntary services will benefit both the individuals as well as the society. Hence, these activities would provide new avenues to the individuals and contribute to the overall development of the country.
Astha, you must always provide the complete original prompt requirement along with your response to the topic. You cannot provide only the topic for discussion without the instructions as to how to discuss it and then expect a comprehensive review of your work. Kindly remember to include the original prompt next time.  
  
As of now, I can tell you that you have a problem with your body paragraph development. You present too many ideas in one paragraph. The requirement is just one idea per paragraph. The one topic requirement per paragraph is aligned with the scoring considerations for the Coherence and Cohesiveness section of the essay. You must provide a complete presentation of the idea and a thorough discussion supporting it. Evidence and personal experience may be required in such a discussion. With a 5 sentence limitation on strengthening each paragraph, you can see why you cannot present more than one discussion per paragraph. Keep that in mind for your next practice test.  
  
Additionally, your paragraph creation is erratic. You must be consistent in presenting the minimum 3 sentence requirement for each paragraph. I know it seems like it is difficult to do. However, achieving the 3 sentence presentation is as easy as simply presenting your discussion in short sentences. Keeping each idea separate in presentation but connected to one another in the discussion.
I have modified it, based on the feedback. Please suggest.  
  
In many countries, the government gives benefits to the unemployed or long-term job-seekers. Some people believe that this section of the society should be involved in voluntary services. As their involvement could be considered, a return to the benefits provided by the government.  
  
It is observed that people take undue advantage of the benefits provided by the government. They tend to become lazy. lethargic and take it for granted. If these people are involved in community services, based on their skills and key interests. They would become confident and would realize the importance of work and money in their daily life where thousands of people struggle to sustain their likelihood.In addition, by doing social services, people would get to know their surroundings and other social issues prevailing in the society. They would be inspired to work for the betterment of the society. This way, they could build trust and harmony amongst the citizens of the country. It would lead to increase in the happiness quotient of the country.  
  
Moreover, voluntary services like working with underprivileged children, senior citizens, abandoned and injured animals would contribute to the overall growth and development of a country. For example, teaching kids in a remote village would be a significant step for developing the future of the underprivileged children. As these kids will learn new things in life, which would increase the knowledge of poverty-struck families. And would further help them to fetch better jobs in the society.  
  
Top conclude, indulging in voluntary services would benefit both the individuals as well as the community. Hence, such activities would open new avenues for the individuals and brighten the future of the country.
**TOPIC:- Many people think that every individual is responsible for their own healthy lifestyle, others believe that governments should take care of it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion**.  
  
## maintaining a healthy lifestyle in a country

  
  
In this era, health is a major concerning issue for the development of a country. Some people believe, maintaining a healthy lifestyle is a personal interest. However, there are a few, who hold the government responsible for it. In my opinion, both of them share equal importance.  
  
On one hand, until individuals have self-conviction, no incentive can lure them to pursue a healthy lifestyle. It is more of a personal effort as nobody can push individuals, living a sedentary lifestyle, to adopt a healthy lifestyle.  
  
On the other hand, some people think, the government should help in sustaining a better lifestyle. A major chunk of the overall budget is allocated to health, if the government takes initiatives, it would be able to save a lot of money. Moreover, due to shrinking income, many people are unable to afford nutritious diet, gym facilities etc. Henceforth, the government could act as a catalyst in leveraging these facilities to its citizens.  
  
Furthermore, people are living in a stressful work environment and poor infrastructure. This has further lead to the deterioration of physical and mental health of the individuals. The government should play a vital role in exploring solutions to nullify this issue. This step will not only provide a healthy environment to live but will also contribute to the overall development of the country.  
  
In a nutshell, people should understand the importance of a healthy living and the government should help people to access these facilities. Hence, a collaborative approach will lead to a healthy lifestyle and a better future.
it is a good topic that you try to explain us about how important we should take attention of our health. however, your essay didn't contain more explanation and elaboration more about your argument. in addition, you should also categorize your argument. for instance, you discuss about government in the first paragraph, and elaborate it before you move to the second paragraph. it will help us as a reader to read your essay. in the end of your paragraph, you should also try to give us advice on what you are thinking related to the topic. i wish you could get the point
Astha, you cannot score higher than a 4 with this type of essay presentation. The main reason for such a low score is because your response is only partially correct. You did present your opinion in the essay but you neglected to discuss both sides of the issue before presenting your own opinion. That is why your response was only minimal in presentation.  
  
The examiner will look for the discussion of both sides and then your opinion. What you wrote was solely a personal opinion paper. In addition to that, you also failed to accurately rephrase the discussion instruction in your opening statement. you only presented the fact that you had an opinion on the matter, then offered a partial line of reason for it. That is a no-no in this essay task.  
  
The reasons cannot be presented even in a partial manner in the opening statement. All information is saved for the body of paragraphs for discussion. These avoidable errors are what led to your final low score of 4. Here is how the essay should have been formatted in the opening statement:  
  
*There is a growing belief that individuals should be in charge of their health through the life that they lead. This is a belief that runs counter to the idea that the government should take charge of their citizen's health. In this essay, I will present a discussion of both beliefs prior to the presentation of my personal opinion.*  
  
Had you framed your presentation in the above manner, you would have had a better discussion outline to follow in the body of the essay.
I have modified it, based on the feedback. Please suggest.  
  
In many counties, the government gives benefits to the unemployed or long-term job-seekers. Some people believe that this section of the society should be involved in voluntary services. As their involvement could be considered, a return to the benefits provided by the government.  
  
It is observed that people take undue advantage of the benefits provided by the government. They tend to become lazy. lethargic and take it for granted. If these people are involved in community services, based on their skills and key interests. They would become confident and would realize the importance of work and money in their daily life where thousands of people struggle to sustain their likelihood.In addition, by doing social services, people would get to know their surroundings and other social issues prevailing in the society. They would be inspired to work for the betterment of the society. This way, they could build trust and harmony amongst the citizens of the country. It would lead to increase in the happiness quotient of the country.  
  
Moreover, voluntary services like working with underprivileged children, senior citizens, abandoned and injured animals would contribute to the overall growth and development of a country. For example, teaching kids in a remote village would be a significant step for developing the future of the underprivileged children. As these kids will learn new things in life, which would increase the knowledge of poverty-struck families. And would further help them to fetch better jobs in the society.  
  
Top conclude, indulging in voluntary services would benefit both the individuals as well as the community. Hence, such activities would open new avenues for the individuals and brighten the future of the country.