dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
You are being asked to respond to a direct question:  
  
Question: Do you believe professional athletes make good role models for young people?  
Expected response: I believe that paid sportspersons are exemplary / unacceptable idols for adolescents. I base my 2 opinions on 2 specific reasons namely....  
  
Your response: Although sportspeople have rare characteristics that the youngsters need to follow, they should be aware of their effect on youth's life.  
  
Your response is a prompt deviation which resulted in an incorrect topic discussion. Hence, this essay will not be able to get a passing score because the topic being discussed is unrelated to the prompt requirements.
***In some countries, young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.***  
## Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

  
  
It is a promoted idea for youngers to take a gap year upon highschool graduation before entering university in some countries, which has both pros and cons that require careful evaluation before drawing a conclusion.  
  
An evident advantage to having a break is that they can develop social skills including communication and problem-solving, which are beneficial for further education as well as their career later on. By working or traveling, young people are exposed to real life scenerios, allowing them to respond creatively on the spot. For example, while traveling, they might have to talk to strangers if they get lost, or learn how to survive a night in the cold weather with little to no food. These personal experiences will help them gain better understanding of themselves regarding strengths and weaknesses to determine what they want to major in if they decide to go to a university. Another strong point is that it helps saving time and resources. Once they are aware of their choices, one might opt for vocational school to attain a certificate to do the job they want with less time and money.  
  
In spite of the mentioned benefits, one might argue that the time might be a waste if they do not get a professional intellectual job or if the trips are luxurious ones with little opportunity to sharpen their life skills. While it is a valid concern, it might be the case for a small number of young people with financial privileges, and even then, the skills learned from personal experiences are unique and cannot simply be measured by a brief observation.  
  
Overall, it is apparent that the pros of taking a gap year before attending university outweigh the cons in a number of different ways. I am of the opinion that young people should be encouraged to do so.
This is an unnecessarily long essay that fails to deliver on 2 specific points:  
- A proper word count of 250-290 words within 40 minutes  
- Properly developed and clear topic developments in each paragraph  
  
In the prompt restatement, you changed the discussion instructions by indicating that you will be providing a conclusion / opinion in the essay. That is a prompt deviation which will immediately lower your task accuracy score because the original instruction was to only discuss the advantage and disadvantage, nowhere in the original presentation were you asked to present your own opinion or come to a conclusion about the discussion. You will receive point deductions and word count deductions for references to this incorrect discussion prompt.  
  
In the Advantage reasoning paragraph. The first idea is well represented and explained. It would have helped you get a high C&C score if you had not added the incompletely discussed second reasoning. You were asked to present only one advantage in the prompt, the second one is a throw away. That is why it became under developed. You are not scored on the amount of information you know. The score comes from the clarity of the information that you know, even if it is only based on one representative topic.  
  
Your disadvantages discussion is also composed of little developed ideas in the presentation. You are only presenting reasons, but failing to explain them in a convincing manner. So the first 2 sentences had potential, then you failed to build on it. The next presentation did not even relate to the first discussion point so that only confused the reader, causing a lower C&C score for this presentation.
One more useless thread title = ban.  
  
***You eat at your college cafeteria every lunch time. However, you think it needs some improvements.  
  
## Write a letter to the cafeteria manager. In your lefter:

  
- Explain what you like about the cafeteria  
- Say what is wrong  
- Suggest how it could be improved***  
  
*Dear Sir or Madam,  
  
I am writing this to inform you that there are some problems in the campus cafeteria which need you to pay attention and take action.  
  
My name is Elsa and I am a loyal customer of your cafeteria ever since I started my university program 3 years ago. The food served here has always been extremely high quality and fresh at very affordable prices. As I am a vegetarian, the meat-free option that your store offer is incredible.  
  
However, I started realizing some issues as I come here for my lunch every single school day. The seating capacity is not enough to serve all the students, I have observed many students had to stand up and eat during peak time. Furthermore, your heating system is not running well either, especially in the wintertime. I often feel like I walk in a freezer when my fellows and I visit your place.  
  
I feel that these limitations are quite easy to address by investing more in renovations and purchasing more furniture. The restaurant is quite busy because you are the only place that has vegan options here on campus so that I believe you have the financial stable to take these actions.  
  
I hope you will take this into account in order to contribute to our better campus.  
  
Yours faithfully,  
  
Elsa Hoang*
The first sentence in the letter is too abrupt. You need to have a formal and cordial opening paragraph prior to declaring your problem with the cafeteria. Review the slant of the discussion presentation in the original prompt. Each prompt reflects the function of each paragraph. The first sentence you are using does not fall in line with the expected presentation format. There are 3 discussion paragraph topics required. There should be 3 discussion paragraphs provided in the body excluding the opening salutation ( Dear Sir or Madam) and concluding paragraph + closing salutation.  
  
Make your attendance at the school more definite. Indicate your full name, student number, major, and year level of attendance at the university. This will help give weight to your concern and force the reader to take your letter seriously.
***You have recently visited a local school in your community. It needs people who can help renovate the building and also other jobs.  
## Write a letter to the principal of the school and say:

  
- how would you be able to help  
- when and why would you do it  
- who will help you to do it***  
  
*Dear Sir or Madam,  
  
I am writing this in connection with a renovation in your school that needs volunteers to help. As I recently came to your place last weekend, I would like to offer you my work free of charge.  
  
From what I saw, it seems that the renovated building has no one to clean the floor up after the builders leaving at the end of the day, so I think I can be able to help with cleaning and pick up some garbage around the school playground. I could also help with repainting windows and doors because I have been painting my furniture for a very long time to remove mold and discoloration.  
  
Since I am working as a full-time accountant, it would be best if I could complete the work at the weekends if that suits you. My daughter and my nieces all went through your school, so this is my pleasure to give you a hand.  
  
My boyfriend is a builder so he would be a perfect fit for this job as well. He is highly qualified and experienced, but you already had other volunteers, we would still be grateful to give extra hands.  
  
If you feel that my services are valuable, please contact us on the phone number below. I look forward to helping bring this incredible school back to our local neighborhoods.  
  
Yours faithfully,  
  
Elsa Hoang*
The letter is unclear regarding the reason for your visit to the local school. Were you there as part of a volunteer organization? Perhaps you were a graduate of the school? There needs to be a reference that will give weight to your visit which, in turn, will enlighten the reader as to why you might volunteer to help renovate the school or perform other tasks.  
  
Having daughters and nieces who have already attended the school, meaning they already graduated. So that is not a good reason to use since there is no direct relationship between you and the school anymore. In relation to that reference, rather than saying your "boyfriend", since you already have children, it would be better to say "my husband" or "my partner" as those are more adult and formal references to a person you have a relationship with while keeping his relation to the children vague in the letter.
## benefits and drawbacks of the nuclear energy

  
  
At the present, many nations on the globe are considering using nuclear power to generate energy in order to satisfy the increasing needs of energy. It is partly agreed that atomic energy is an effective option. This essay will discuss, firstly the benefits that is offered by nuclear energy and secondly, some drawbacks that it brings to those countries, followed by a reasoned conclusion.  
  
On the one side, nuclear technology has many advantages over conventional ones. Firstly, it is much more environmentally friendly since it releases a small amount of carbon dioxide. In contrast, most fossil fuels energy such as coal, oil emits a great deals of toxic substances into the environment that harms lots of people as well as pollutes the air of the area nearby. Secondly, it is renewable energy so it can tackle the problem of the scarcity of energy souces at the moment. Moreover nuclear power is able to generate a large amount of electricity to serve millions of people in a countries. Therefore it can prevent power cuts due to the shortage of power. For instance, USA is able to provide electricity to more than 300 millions of citizens since it has a lots of nuclear power stations.  
  
On the other hand, atomic energy also has some drawbacks that can outweight its merits. First of all, building a nuclear power station requires a large amount of money. Government could utilize that money to invest in education or to build more hospitals as well as roads instead of constructing nuclear power factory. Therefore some undeveloped or developing countries cannot afford to build a factory. Secondly, nuclear power is particularly dangerous due to its radiation. For example, a collapse of a nuclear power factory Fukusima in Japan caused detrimental effects on its citizens since they had to move to another area because of radiation.  
  
In conclusion, although nuclear power can handle some problems at the moment, I partly agree that it should be used because of its disavanages
Your overall approach to the discussion is incorrect. This is a single opinion essay based on an agree or disagree question. You are discussing it using an A/D format which shows that you misunderstood the question and discussion instructions. You are using an incorrect discussion format which will result in a failing TA score. Then, in the conclusion, you used a measured extent response to close the essay rather than a proper summary conclusion format. An additional reason as to why this essay cannot achieve a passing score.  
  
When the question is Agree/Disagree, you have to decide on your opinion of the topic provided, based on included reasons, then pick an opinion that you will defend based on a personal understanding of additional reasons. You cannot change the discussion format to one that you have chosen because that is a prompt deviation and will always result in a failing score cue to questionable English comprehension skills.
Hi, as @Holt said, when the question is Agree/Disagree, all you are expected to do is to indicate your agreement or disagreement and detail your reasons, evidence and personal experience to support it. Make sure that you are not involved in a two-sided discussion where both advantages and disadvantages, cons and pros, are offered.  
  
In this case, if you agree with the statement, you should only detail the advantages of nuclear power. If you don't, you should only detail the disadvantages. If you list both advantages and disadvantages, it will be a prompt deviation which will drag down your score.  
  
I know that IELTS applicants including me are used to two-sided discussion, but there are topics where the format does not apply.  
  
In addition, I have some reservations about the sentence:  
  
"*For instance, USA is able to provide electricity to more than 300 millions of citizens since it has a lots of nuclear power stations.*"  
  
As far as I know, nuclear power is actually in decline in America. I don't think it a good choice to use the US to defend your position. It would be better if you said "nuclear energy is much more efficient in electricity generation than any other form of energy, because nuclear fuel is far more powerful than both traditional fossil fuel such as coal and other renewable energy including wind"
Hi saoran,  
  
Please allow me to give you some feedback from your essay  
  
1) A great deal - not a great deal(S)  
  
2) Here are some words which need to be fixed: "SOURCES" . "A COUNTRY" . ""OUTWEIGH" . "The government" "Disadvantages"  
  
3) you should add comma after the word Moreover  
  
4) 300 million of citizens (not millions)  
  
Hope these will help you. :) also, please take couple minute to check your work before sending your work.  
  
Take care.
## Do the advantages of shopping online outweigh the disadvantages?

  
  
From the time being, there are several individuals buy things such as books, air tickets and groceries on the internet. Therefore, there is a hot debate over whether shopping in this way outweigh the advantages or disadvantages. From my perspective, it brought us more benefits.  
  
The first that everyone can see is that online shopping has lots of convenices. It helps us save a great deal of time and finish the payment promptly. People can buy anything they want after a click of mouse. Then you just need to wait shipper bring goods to your home. For example, I often buy some books on Tiki. Their service is really flexible. I receive my products just after few days I have booked them. By this way, we do not need to go to physical stores so we can spend that time doing other things.  
  
The second that I want to take into consideration is that online shopping has important contributions to improving economy. First of all, it create several new employment opportunities. there are many people attend in the operation of the online shop. In Canada, about 5% of population are staffs of online business company. Secondly, online shopping can earn a big amount of money so it will facilitate contries' economy strongly. I will take Vietnamese as an example. From the time when there are some business run online shops, the economy in that country improve more than it was before about 6,5% each year.  
  
In conclusion, in spite of some remain drawbacks, online shopping has an enormous contribution to many subjects of the sociality.
While your discussion presentation is acceptable for the discussion, I feel that you could have done better by using the comparative format for the discussion. That means, offering a perceived disadvantage, then turning the tables and proving that it is actually a great advantage to the buyer. Try to consider the alternative discussion points since this could be considered a comparative essay. Advantage over disadvantage. Why do people think it is a disadvantage? How can you prove it is an advantage? That sort of discussion consideration can prove to clarify your opinion and support your discussion in a highly coherent and cohesive manner. Your first reasoning paragraph is good, but only personal in consideration. A general reference or public discussion point would have been more efficient in this case. The second reason tends to be a prompt deviation because it is not referring to the ease of shopping but rather, employment creation, which is not a consideration in the original prompt.
Hi, my fellow student. I noticed that the second paragraph contained as many as eight sentences. It is not quite good for IELTS writing, in my opinion.  
  
When I first came to the forum, @Holt taught me that a paragraph should contain **three to five sentences**. I listed to her and saw improvement in my writing. I believe the advice also applies to you. Why not try to combine two or three sentences to one? For example:  
  
*I often buy some books on Tiki. Their service is really flexible*  
=> *I often buy some books on Tiki, **whose** service is really flexible*  
  
In addition, I think that you should avoid using data, such as "In Canada, **about 5% of population** are staffs of online business company", unless it is common sense.  
  
That is because by no means can you check data in the real test. Here is what the educational consultant taught me:  
  
"*Let me remind you that the testing center computers will be locked down and you will not have access to exterior internet sources. Practical examples that come from personal knowledge or experience always impresses the reviewer and also keeps you comfortable enough in your presentation to use better sentence structures throughout your essay.*"  
  
I know my reviews are far from perfect, but I still hope they are helpful to you. Best wishes.
Hi dieudan,  
  
Please allow me to give you some of my suggestions on your essay.  
  
1) **Spelling**: convenience~~s~~  
  
2) wait for shippers to bring the goods  
  
3) **Grammar:** it createS several  
  
4) I would recommend you to search how to use a/an/the  
  
I know sometimes we write without thinking too much about grammar and spelling but it will be great it you take couple minutes and read your essay again before submitting.  
  
Take care.
## migrating from a rural area to an urban area

  
  
Nowadays, the number of people migrating to cities is increasing gradually. This essay will discuss the mains reasons and then describe the possible effects of the problems.  
  
In my opinion, the foremost causes of moving from the countryside to cities are low living conditions, economic factors. In the rural landscape, there is a lack of many things, featured food, amenities,... lead to the discomfort, hopelessness for the residents here. For example, to enjoy an appetizing meal is not simple for those who live in a place far away from the city because of their busyness, they are up to their eyes in work to make ends meets for their whole family, even there is no time to rest. Thus, migration is in need at that time. Moreover, the problem is accentuated by the economic factors which are fewer job vacancies, low-paid salary, no chance for promotion,... Due to the shortage of industries, companies, or various jobs, the fact that the inhabitants have fewer choices for their career, they probably don't pay much attention to their occupations, they just focus on the salary. Besides, they not only deliberately put aside their dream, but also hardly have the intention of promoting or look for any opportunities in their working places. All of this adds up to the motivation for migration.  
  
The possible effects of this problem include lack of human resources in the rural area and overpopulation in the cities. First of all, immigration results in the shortage of employees in small communities, which leads to the company go out the business afterward. For instance, the number for this aspect of production is 10 workers but presently 5 people remain, it contributes to delay of products and the company will be in debt. People choose cities for their new life and leave their hometown behind so this village can not be out of poverty. The sudden increase in the population in the city also has a bad side. Lack of accommodation, food,.. are evitable things when it comes to overpopulation. Some people become homeless after moving there as the price to buy or rent a flat is unaffordable. Besides, overpopulation still severely affected the air and water qualify.  
  
To sum up, migrating from a rural area to an urban area is a big problem nowadays. It's mainly caused by low living conditions, economic factors and results in lack of human resources in the rural area and overpopulation in the cities
You have made a serious error in the prompt restatement presentation. The instructions asks you to present a thesis statement based on reasons why there is a migration from rural areas to cities. You were also asked for methods that you believe can help to reverse the trend. Not only is your prompt restatement incomplete, as you only provided a repetition of the supposed discussion instructions, but it is also incorrect as you assumed that you were to present the effects of the migration problem. The task was to discuss how to prevent further migration from the rural to urban areas. As such, your task representation will lose points for prompt alteration.  
  
Then, you also have a repeated problem in your sentence structures that show an incorrect understanding of how to use punctuation marks. Punctuation marks as used individually, never successively. So, by using both a comma and ellipses one after another, without any discussion ideas in-between, you have violated sentence structure rules and will definitely have a greatly reduced GRA score. These 2 errors could result in a final failing score as your essay focused on length, rather than properly discussing, developing reasons, and offering completely developed thoughts per topic in each paragraph.  
  
It will not be possible for you to write 408 words during the actual test. That is because you need to allot at least 10 minutes of the 40 minute writing task to the editing, proofreading, and finalization of your response discussion. You need to clearly explain your discussion points, not just keep on typing hoping that the word count, rather than quality of your writing will help you pass the test. Long essays always result in failing score errors. The longer the essay, the more prone your writing will be to LR and GRA errors.