dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Ho, your confusion in developing sentence structure and thinking in English is very evident in this essay. I mean, in the TA section you said you completely disagree and yet your actual discussion shows your partial agreement with the statement provided. Then, you proceeded, in paragraph 3 to discuss a totally unrelated to motorized flight topic under scientific and technological evolutions. These create the impression that your overall discussion is only partially correct when considering the topic you were given to discuss. Had you instead said "I partially agree / disagree" rather than "completely agree", then your discussion would have been more appropriate and accurate for the task set forth.  
  
I also observed that you have a tendency to use researched information as the basis of your opinion. Please practice using personal opinion, logic, and publicly known information instead. Do not get used to doing research in order to respond to the given task because there will not be any internet access at the testing center. If you practice using the wrong exam setting, you will panic on exam day when the tools you got used to using are not available to you for the essay writing part.  
  
To be fair to you, I will not grade this essay because you did not use the exam room set up when you wrote it. I will instead, await your second essay, which you will hopefully write with the suggestions above considered, and I will score that instead. You have made a typical beginners mistake and should be given a chance to prove your writing skills using the proper setting before a score is given for a practice run.
[Hi everyone, I am a new member. I would highly appreciate if you all fix and grade this essay for me. My target is 6.5 writing, so hopefully I can get it! Thanks for all]  
  
The given line chart illustrates how much wheat was sold overseas in 3 specific zones over the course of 5 years starting in 1985 and measured in millions of tonnes  
  
As can be observed from the chart, it is clearly evident that the patterns of these areas had considerably fluctuations over the time frame shown. While the amount of wheat sent abroad witnessed a downward trend in Australia, that of European Community tended to increase and the exportation of wheat in Canada significantly oscillated throughout the studied period.  
  
In 1985, the amount of wheat exported in Canada registered the highest of 3 regions, standing at about 19 millions of tonnes. The exportation of European and Australia was lower of roughly 17 and exactly 15 millions of tonnes respectively. The year 1988 experienced a second highest hit in the amount of wheat sent overseas in Canada, peaking at 25 million tonnes, before hitting the bottom of around 14 million tonnes in the following year. At the same time, a reserve tendency could be witnessed in European which had dramatically jumped from 15 to over 20 million tonnes by 1990.  
  
With regards to the amount of wheat sold overseas in Australia, it increased slightly to approximately 16 million tonnes in 1986. This figure had steadily fallen by 5 million tonnes by 1990. In contrast, there was an upward trend in the export of Canada, closely 20 million tonnes at the similar time.  
  
*
It seems that there are some mistakes in your writing that might probably lower your LR score, such as "had ~~considerably~~ *considerable* fluctuations over the time frame ~~shown~~", "the highest ~~of~~ *among the three* regions", etc.  
  
Also, you seem to have problems with paraphrasing, you should write "... sold overseas ~~in 3 specific zones~~ by three countries".  
Furthermore, there are some sentences that can be rewritten to be more coherent and some can be combine together. I think you know how to do this.  
  
Hope this makes sense!
Ngo, you have not delivered a complete summary overview. You only have a partial introduction to the topic when the summary overview requires you to indicate:  
  
1. The topic for discussion  
2. Inclusive dates of comparison  
4. Graph and Measurement type  
5. Areas where data was gathered from  
6. Trending statement.  
  
You could have better presented the essay in the following manner:  
  
*Data regarding wheat exports covering a 5 year period from 1985-1990 are the points for review in the given line graph. The 3 zones for review are Australia, Canada, and the European community. The measurements are given in tonnes. The trend for the graph at the end of 5 years indicates a slowing of exports in Australia but a faster rate of export for Canada and the European community.*  
  
This is a 4 paragraph essay with the opening summary usually clocking in at 3 sentences as exemplified above. The rest of the paragraphs will also benefit from a better GRA and C&C score if you aim to write 3-5 sentences each as well. Don't write more than 150 words because you still need to leave time to edit and revise the information in the paper.  
  
The summary overview will help to prove that your TA presentation are on track with the given information. For C&C accuracy, you need to follow the same format for the opening summary as well. All related information should be summarized for presentation at the top of the paragraphs for Task 1 essays. In task 2 essays, the summary is placed in the concluding paragraph.  
  
What do you mean by a "reserve tendency" ? If there no such term indicated in the original graph then that information should not be indicated in the report. You are aiming for information accuracy here so don't change terms nor add information that isn't required / represented in the graph. That will cost you deductions in TA considerations.  
  
While information can be placed in any order in the report, it is best for your C&C score if you present the data in chronological order. That means, going by a year by year comparison. That means, 1986 should not have been placed at the bottom of the essay because the information there directly relates to the 1987 data. The chronological listing will allow you to prove cohesiveness and connections within your paragraph presentation which will help to increase your score due to the logical presentation of your report.  
  
When one considers the grammar and sentence issues in your presentation along with other concerns, Your baseline score will be anywhere within the 5 and upward range but definitely not a 6.
*Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?*  
  
## girls and boys should be treated equally during education

  
  
It is true to argue that girls and boys should be treated equally in every fields of life. However, I totally disagree with the opinion that there should be equal entries to every course offered by a university to the two genders.  
  
On the one hand, I believe that a university accepting the same number of boys and girls to every subject is an ideal place for students to study. This is an effective way of minimizing the gender gaps and showing overwhelming dominance in neither of the genders in the academic fields. Apparently, it is absurd to reject a female student with the highest placement to a course and replace her with a boy with a lower entrance score or less qualifications. By taking part in any courses that they are interested in, students will surely have more chances to pursue their dreams, even in specialist fields that the society has long believed that only men or women could do.  
  
On the other hand, I also believe that it is impractical for schools to accept the same number of male and female students to some specific courses. For example, it is wildly unreasonable to expect the nursing course, which attract girls more than boys, to have half of its students male, and vice versa in the astronomy and engineering courses. In addition, if an university happened to be forced to lower its entrance score to hire enough students for a course, it reputation might be badly damaged and its teaching programs would be dramatically changed, which directly affect the way our whole teaching system has been working for centuries.  
  
In conclusion, although the opinion of allowing the same number of boys and girls to take part in every subject seems to be ideal, it is so unrealistic and unlikely to be taken into consideration by universities in the near future.  
  
I know that my writing is too long (311 words) but I have no ideas which part to cut.  
Also, I really appreciate your comments on what my essay lacks in and what I can do to improve.
@hyperephania when you are writing an extent essay, it becomes easier to write your response when you only have to defend one side of the given discussion. When you try to write about supporting both sides, you end up not really knowing what to write and even worse, you end up writing more than the number of words suitable for editing within the given time limitations.  
  
It is precisely because of this reason that I always advise my students to really just choose one side to defend using a "total" agreement / disagreement scenario. As a writer, it becomes easier for you to brainstorm and draft your response when you need to focus on only one discussion and its supporting reasons. That way your 3 body paragraph becomes clearer and more cohesive in content. The 3 body paragraph can be set up as :  
  
1. Reason 1 public opinion in support of your stance  
2. Reason 2 personal explanation in support of your opinion  
3. Example that portrays a strong supporting reason for your agreement / disagreement  
  
Do not try to provide examples in every paragraph. One solid example as a stand alone paragraph will not only help you meet the word count, but also allow you to better develop your explanations in the first 2 paragraphs.
*Topic: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?*  
  
## Population - younger or older

  
  
In the recent decades, the population of some countries which have a higher number of young adults has more advantages in comparison to some has more elderly people. I believe this situation has brought some drawbacks in some nations that have more elderly people.  
  
It is true that large proportion of young adults have more strengths in driving the development for some industries. From some fields in high technology that require more innovative development, and the spirit of innovation sometimes coming from young generation. They bring the new ideas to the companies and help them embracing changes. It definitely helps in the new development of the city, even a nation.  
  
From government's perspective, they also have benefit that the society with the small number of elderly people. It means that government has less financial responsibility on old population. The society with higher elderly population and its government need to focus more on the policy in health and retirement. With the same amount of budget, it certainly contains the burden if the government want to spend more money on other developments such as education.  
  
In conclusion, the young adult plays an essential role in driving the innovative progress of a nation. Therefore, the nations with more older population have more drawbacks in many ways. I believe the nations with more young adult have more advantages than the countries with less one.
Felicia, your essay is only 231 words. That is 19 words short of the minimum word count of 250. I hope that your instructor has informed you that when you write less than 250 words, you risk getting an automatic failing score in the essay. You did a good job in staying on point by discussing only the point of view that you support. However, you failed to write enough words to justify a passing score. Your paragraphs are extremely long in terms of sentence presentation, but do not really fully explain the point of the topic sentence for that paragraphs. Further explanations were required in order to clarify your point of view and fully convince the reader that your opinion is the correct one. had you written at least 3 sentences for your opening paraphrase and your concluding summary, you would have met the minimum word count and scored better in terms of TA and C&C considerations.  
  
Your GRA suffered because you did not accurately represent simple and complex sentences in the paragraphs. Try to avoid using commas to connect your thoughts or differing ideas within one sentence. That way you can fully explain yourself. Avoid presenting 2 ideas in one paragraph such as in the second paragraph where you discuss the work ability of the elderly then suddenly present the idea that innovation comes from the younger generation. Those are 2 different topics that should have been presented as such in paragraph form. One paragraph, one topic.
***IELTS Task 2-  
Some people think that the government should pay one of the parents of very young children to stay at home to look after their children.  
  
What do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages of this policy?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.  
Write at least 250 word.***  
  
## FundS for parents raising kids

  
  
The topic of whether the government should give financial support to one of the parents of a very little children to take care of their children at home has stirred up much controversy. This essay will illustrate the benefits and drawback of this policy by using relevant examples.  
  
To start with, funding can increase the willingness of parents to stay home, and thus improve the relationship between parent and children. On one side, by spending more time together, parents get to know more about their children. On the other side, the child likes their parents more since they always spend time together. A striking illustration will be me. I have a good relationship with my parents as my childhood memories are full of them. In view of this, this policy definitely benefits the bonding of a family.  
  
Furthermore, parents from poor families can get the chance to stay at home for their kid. Adults in lower class families spend most of their time working, since they want to try their best to earn more money for the families. Workers in developing countries, for instance, have the longest working hours among the world. Their beloved children are then being left alone at home as a result, which is dangerous as accidents may happen to them. Similar problems can be solved by this policy, because poor families will get paid and they do not have to worry about their income.  
  
However, this policy may lead to misunderstandings among parents on the responsible of taking care of children. They may receive an incorrect message that they are staying at home just for the money given by the government. It is sad that they do not get the real aim of this policy, which is to encourage parent staying at home for their child.  
  
What must also be taken into consideration is that some people may take advantages of this policy. Some parents who has no urgent need of money may take this policy as a way to generate income. Money of the government, which is full of potential to be used in other useful purposes, such as medical and education, will be wasted in such case. Judging from this, this policy will waste resources and has no good to the society.  
  
In my opinion, everything has two sides. This policy can benefit lots of new families, especially those in financial needs. It is hoped that the government can set strict regulations on the enforcement of this policy to benefit the people.  
  
*Thanks for reading my essay! It would be helpful if you could leave a band score for me!*
@imchang  
It seems that your writing has exceeded the word limitation (250-300 words) of an IELT Writing Task 2 essay. As this goes on, you would not have enough time to write such a long essay with more than 400 words like this. In addition, you would need ample time to revise your essay and check for mistakes.  
  
As you are writing a discussion essay, your writing should follow this formation:  
- Heading  
- Advantages paragraph  
- Disadvantages paragraph  
- Conclusion  
And the "relevant examples" should be included in each of these paragraphs as you write. This can actually help cut the unnecessay parts of your essay.  
  
Hope this makes sense!
imchang, , in order to make sure that you stay within the advisable word count of 250-300 words in this essay, it would be best for you to write the essay using a timer. Set the timer for 30 minutes, which is the allotted time for this test, then begin the outlining, drafting, and finalization process. By using a timer during the practice run, you will be able to better assess your weaknesses when it comes to sentence and paragraph development. If you find that you do not leave 5-10 minutes towards the end for editing and revision purposes, then you are writing too many words or, you are slow in developing your discussion. Based on your timing situation, you will be able to make adjustments to your writing process with the upcoming practice essays.  
  
By the way, stay as close to the prompt as possible in your paraphrases in order to get a more accurate prompt paraphrase. Learn to tell the difference between a discussion and controversy or debate. Task 2 essays are always discussions, never controversies or debates. Do not exaggerate the presentation process because this can adversely affect your TA score.  
  
Don't get me wrong though, your essay is well thought out and explained. It is just that you are not following the appropriate presentation format and you are not properly timing yourself during the exercise. If you do not learn to write within the limits of time, you may overshoot during the actual test and end up with a half written essay when the time is up. That will cost you major points in the final scoring of the actual test.
*Question: There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?*  
  
My answer:  
  
## Why do we need music, especially the classical one?

  
  
Music has a lot of genre such as country, pop, jazz, classic, etc. It is all about the matter of preference what to listen. We can choose whatever knd of music we want to hear everyday. People listen to music because it is one way to get away from stress and it can boost the mood of most us. Although we listen to many types of music everyday, traditional music is way more important than international music because it can be the identity of one country and this kind of music genre are mostly unforgettable.  
  
Introducing music in our daily activities is like a stree therapy and a mood booster. Some people listen to their favorite music to get away from all the tension they experienced everyday. For instance, a person who went home from work usually listen to the meditation sounds and calming nature playlist for them to feel relax. In addition, music boost the mood in some person through enhancing their productivity when they do exercise and some student used music to increase their alertness and focus when they study with their subjects while others chose to listen happy songs when they are depressed.  
  
Most people heard different types of music everyday such pop, coutnry, rock and ballad and many more. Traditional music, which another music genre most of us heard, is more important than the present music nowadays because this kind of music serves as the identity of one country. We can hear a story from its lyric and what type of tempo was used to create this music. For example, latin music has distinct rhythm and uses their language in making songs. Similarly, lyric of traditional music is more meaningful than today's music and it is treasured as part of the culture such as folk songs and country music that was produced and composed by famous song writer of the particular country.  
  
In conclusion, music is vital in our life not only it adds color but also it can be a stress reliever and mood booster. Traditional music is way more important up to these days because it is part of one counrty's culture and a kind of music that is unforgettable which anybody can still listen today.
There are some fragmented sentences in your essay such as these "*We* can choose ... we want to ~~hear~~ *listen to* everyday.*People* listen to music because it is ...", instead you should combine the two sentences like this "*... everyday to get away from stress and bad moods*., and the first sentence in your conclusion should be rewritten this way "*..., because it not only* adds color *to our life* but also it can be ...."  
  
Also, the next sentence "Although we listen to many types ..." seems to be a run on sentence and irrelevant to the previous sentences.  
  
Finally, I do think you should use more collocations instead of simply using adjectives to not repeat the same words again and again, for eample "music ~~is vital~~ is of vital ..."
Try to remain between 250 and 300 words for this type of essay. You need to leave ample time to make any necessary changes to your essay during the revision period in order to increase your possible final score. When you write over 300 words, your tendency will be to run out of time to proof read and adjust your content. That will be a disservice to yourself because you are risking getting a failing score in an effort to simply showcase your language know how. You are not being scored on the amount of English words you know, you are being scored on proper word usage and your ability to create understandable English sentences in paragraph form.  
  
You have a tendency to try and get around the GRA simple and complex sentence presentations by instead presenting final sentences which are extremely long and reliant on the term "and" to connect 2 separate thought processes in the essay. This creates run-on sentences which will lower your GRA score and also, adds to the incoherence and non-cohesiveness of your paragraphs. The last sentence of every paragraph should be considered for use as a transition sentence into the next topic for discussion whenever possible. This will increase your cohesiveness score.  
  
Your discussion is well thought out but sometimes misses in terms of appropriate presentation in the paragraphs. You need to learn to develop sentences with more applicable structures in order to create proper simple and complex sentences within the paragraph. Write less words but make sure that your essay will be clearly understood, on a per paragraph basis by the reader. These simple instructions should suffice to help you improve your writing skills at its current intermediate level.