dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Man, I have done my best to wait for you to upload the TOEFL prompt instructions before saying something about the work that you have done on the essay. I can wait no longer because you are starting to get advice that feeds your ego but does not really help you improve as an academic writer, which is what the TOEFL essay requires you to represent in your essay.  
  
As Gang pointed out, the lack of proper prompt instructions will prevent me from offering you a detailed analysis of your work which could have helped you improve in the way that you write certain types of essays. However, that will not prevent me from offering you a general review of your work.  
  
You are right about your essay not having a focal point and being all over the place. This is caused by the lack of focus and proper reasoning in your discussion paragraphs. While you did write an applicable 4 paragraphs worth of discussion material, the fact that you discussed 2 sides each time in every paragraph caused you to not create an totally applicable response to whatever prompt it is your are trying to respond to.  
  
Each paragraph that you wrote only qualifies as a quarter of a response. Not a full response. This happens why you try to show off your English vocabulary skills instead of your English thinking and reasoning skills. The latter being the very reason that you are taking the test in the first place. Focusing your response to only one reason and then developing supporting data in order to prove your point is better than doing a side by side analysis of the 2 sides of every reason in one paragraph. The best written essays are the ones that offer one pro and one con discussion per paragraph. Not inclusively in each paragraph.  
  
In all honesty, I cannot figure out the direction your essay is trying to take. I really wish that you had uploaded the instructions for the essay instead of just letting it slide. Like Gang said, I can only help you if you provide me with the instructions for the essay. Only then can I point out the problem points and offer insights as to how you can improve your work.
*Merged:*  ## [TOFEL] An effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process

  
  
prompt: **an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process**  
  
There are many aspects(or standards will be better?) to evaluate whether a leader could be identified as effective. Some people consider that referring others' opinion before deciding the decision is an important quality for an effective leader. In my view, I agree with them.  
  
First and the foremost, making others part of decision is easy to come up with a wise one. On the one hand, it can avoid some mistakes. Everyone will make mistakes and tend to ignore them. Like in classroom, teachers are hardly get rid of any mistakes, they need our students' notices. Similarly, leaders also need others to correct their decisions. On the other hand, some individuals together can propose a more comprehensive idea, because one individual is impossible to be expert in every field while more people can cover wider fields. For example, many big companies set a broad of directors to come up with a decision together. So referring others' opinion increases the likelihood of a wise decision.  
  
Apart from wise decisions, listening to others' suggestion enhances the whole team's productivity. That is because everyone's contribution is more than before. Just imagine what it would happen if the leader is the only one to make decision. The only thing employees will do is stiffly accomplish their assignments without any suggestion as well as novelty. I recall my own case. Once I was the minster of secretary department in student union. At the beginning, I only distributed assignment to every member and told them how to do. But I found out that they were so inactivity and our tasks were hardly approved by teachers. Finally, I changed my mind and every time before I made decision I always collected other members' ideas. Surprisingly, they became more enthusiasm than before and give more ideas, meanwhile teachers gave high evaluation to our works. Therefore, taking others' idea is a good way for leader to enhance the total productivity.  
  
The last but not the least, an effective leader should refer to others' suggestion because it likely to establish a harmonious phenomenon. I believe that leader shouldn't just focus on result, also procedure is equally important for a team. So a harmonious phenomenon is critical. Referring to others' opinions creates more communication among leader and members. Later the team fill with grasp and laughter. As a consequence, the team relationship gets closer and members increase their loyalty to leader too. Hence, harmony is also an aspect to indicate effective.  
  
To wrap up, allowing others part of the decision making process by leaders contributes to wise decisions as well as high productivity of team also establishes a harmonious phenomenon. So leader should try this strategy. Do you remember the saying? Two minds are better than one.
@Holt  
hi,I have already wrote a new essay about the same topic, if you have time, could you also see my that essay?  
  
And could I bother you to solve my following problem according to my another article?(I have paste the link at the last)  
problem:  
I am confused about such topic "an effective leader should try to make others part of the decision making process"; I have two solution: first, should I raise three arguments to proof that making others part of making decision process could lead to effective? second, could I point out three or two benefits that come along with making others part of making decision process?  
  
Thanks for your reading and suggestion
@Martin101 I have some explanation and questions. If you have time, thanks for your patience to look over them.  
Para 2:  
Sentence 3: "Like in (insert 'the') classroom, teachers are (insert 'can') hardly get rid (insert 'eliminate') of any (insert 'all their') mistakes, they need our students' notices."(<honestly don't know what 'they need our students' notices' means. would remove)  
  
Explanation: might be I left "so", that is to say "Like in the classroom, teachers can hardly get eliminate of all their mistakes, so they need our students' notices to correct some errors."  
  
Para 3:  
Sentence 4: "... assignments without any suggestion (insert ' contribution to the project') as well as novelty."(really not sure about 'as well as novelty')  
Explanation: novelty means creation(actually I don't sure if this word makes you clear). I want to express that employee can add some creative elements to their assignments right. But if I take your advice and use "the contribution to the project" before, I no more need to add such noun again, because it is included in the former range?  
  
Para4:  
Sentence 3: "So a harmonious phenomenon is critical."(<not sure about this)  
Explanation:sorry for my wrong spelling, I want to mean "crucial"  
Sentence 5: "Later the team fill with grasp and laughter."(<again not sure. what does grasp mean in this context)  
Explanation:wrong spelling again, "gossip/talk", could you fit it in the context now?  
  
Now I want to explain the meaning of the word "phenomenon" repeatedly occurring in the Para4 to you: actually I want to deliver the meaning of "environment", but here, I want to emphasize the sense of human. In other word, "to enable people work in an comfortable environment" is my initial purpose, so I use the word "phenomenon". In fact, I was hesitate to use this word "phenomenon", because I was not sure if it is suitable.
Great day!  
  
I have a couple of corrections to make on your essay.  
  
First, I think it is time we began to correct the saying: Two heads are better than one. Of course, just any two heads cannot be better than one good head. It will be safer to say: Two good heads are better than one.  
  
Referring to others' opinions always results in wise decisions.------- It is not every person's opinion that is sound, solid and safe to make a reference to. There is an over-generalization in that statement. While some opinions are dangerous to consider, some other opinions are just a great fit for a better decision for a more effective and productive output. To be on a safe side, it's better to say: Referring in **some** people's opinion always...  
  
... a board of directors **leaded** by a head. Before the company **make** a decision...------- Note that 'led' is the past tense of the lexical verb 'lead' (...board of directors led by a head). Also, the collective noun 'company' is functioning in the singular here and as such, going by the first rule of Concord (subject-verb agreement), the singular noun 'company' must go with the singular verb 'makes,' not make.  
  
... take part in making **decisions,**create a humorous phenomenon.----- Few corrections: there is no need for a comma after 'decisions.' I guess you meant to say: Decisions only made by the/a leader result in... because the only character that should be talked with/to is the leader.  
  
Communication creates a time for people to be familiar with others...-------- It is better to say: ...to be familiar with others; in the meantime,... As a consequence, each one tends to consider others...
**Q. The graph below shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the U.K.**  
  
The given line graph depicts the trends of the accessibility of modern technology in homes in the U.K. in terms of percentage. Generally, upward trends were noted in all four categories of modern gadgets over the period of 1996 to 2003.  
  
To begin with, CD player usage was in the highest position with 60 percent in 1996/97, henceforth, a static rise was detected and finally, it reached over 80 percent in 2002/03. Regarding home computer, the accessiblity was only nearly 30 percent in1996/97, but, the usage was gradually increased although it was not comparable to CD player which ended up at about 55 percent in 2002/03. The least accessible gadget in 1996/97 was mobile phone with just under 20 percent. However, their availability was sored moderately though it stood in the lowest rank until beyond 1998/99. After that, it crossed over the personal computer usage and then, rose with wild flactuation. At the end, the second place was took by mobile phone in 2002/03 with 70 percent. The last one is internet access which was not available until 1998/99, at that time, only 10 percent of U.K. people could reach their hands, but the usage of them rose dramatically to 45 percent in 2002/03.  
  
*
@zeal  
What's the question?  
  
@zeal  
Sorry, just noticed 'writing feedback.'  
  
*"Regarding home computer, the accessibility was only nearly 30 ..."* - Without looking at graph, this sentence is saying that the CD player reached 55% in 2002/03.  
  
Maybe try '...the usage gradually increased to about 55% in 2002/03, which is not comparable to the CD player in the same time period.'  
  
"... in 1996/97 was (the) mobile phone..."  
  
"...rose with wild flactuation." - 'fluctuation.'  
  
"~~At~~('In') the end, ~~the~~ second place was ~~took~~('taken')[R] by mobile..."  
  
"...[R]('that') only 10 percent of U.K. ~~people~~('residents') could ~~reach~~('get') their hands ('on')..."  
  
"...but ~~the usage of them~~('their usage') rose dramatically to 45 percent in 2002/03.
Mao, your essay is not properly formatted. You need to present anywhere from 3-5 paragraphs in the essay with 4 being the most acceptable target paragraph number. The essay needs to be divided into discussion paragraphs with specific discussion matters presented in each. The way that you have the essay presented now makes it difficult for the reader to read and keep track of the information you are sharing. In an academically formatted paper, this presentation would be at least 4 paragraphs long. You can also improve your summary overview by properly summarizing the data for presentation in the essay in the first paragraph. In the analysis of the essay, there were overlapping points of comparison information that you neglected to discuss. While I can understand why you stuck to the most obvious discussion points, extra points are awarded in the actual test when comparison and discussion points for the not so obvious areas of the graph are presented by the student. I hope that you can fix the paragraph formatting in your next essay. If possible, try to make more analytical comparisons at a higher level with your forthcoming practice essay.
**Topic: Nowadays, young people admire media and sports stars though they often do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development ?**  
  
## positive sides but also harmful consequences of idolization

  
  
There has been a trend that many celebrities are idolized by young generations despite their infamy. As far as I am concerned, even though these people may exert certain adverse impacts on teenagers' growth, they can also bring many benefits for youngsters.  
  
On the one hand, youngsters may be negatively influenced due to admiring world-renown people excessively. It is clear that when young people idolize these famous people, they usually make efforts to mimic their idols as much as they can. Youngsters, nevertheless, are so inexperienced that they cannot distinguish between the standard behaviours and the wrongdoings. Therefore, young people may imitate what their idols have done such as smoking cigarettes or turning to illicit drugs, which may have detrimental effects on their personalities and development. Another downside is idolization may make students distract from their learning and lose family or friend interactions. More importantly, some teenagers may also copy exactly like infamous people due to their appearance or stylish clothes or their bad behaviours, which may make them addicted to luxurious lifestyle and waste an excessive amount of money.  
  
On the other hand, admiring media and sports players can benefit young generation in many aspects. It will be better for young people who have burning desire to become athletes or movies stars like Rafael Nadal or Angelina Jolie to admire them as people can study skills and try to progress their skills. These professional players or popular actors can be role models for young generation and provide for them an incentive to fulfill their passion. Additionally, athletes and singers' mistakes can also act as good lessons for viewers. For instance, a few sportspeople utilized stimulant or doping when playing sports and were disqualified or punished strictly. As a result, the consequences can act as a deterrent for new players and also viewers from using these doping.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that idolization can have both positive sides and its harmful consequences, but it really depends on teenagers' attitude and their choices.
Linh, this is not a comparison essay. This is a singular opinion essay as indicated by the prompt instruction sentence. You are to discuss whether the admiration of young people directed at celebrities who are not exactly role models is a positive or negative development. Your response should have been clear. It is either you say that this is a positive development and then explain why that is or, it is a negative development and justify what you believe that to be the case. In this instance, you played safe by discussing both sides of the opinions that exist. That is not the correct approach to take. When the keyword "OR" is in a statement, that means that only one position or explanation must be presented in the essay. Since your essay did not accurately represent the prompt requirement, this will not garner a passing score. You deviated from the prompt requirement and as such, will be scored down to a maximum level due to a clear lack of understanding of the English instructions on your part. Here is a tip. While you are doing the practice tests, if you are not sure about how to approach a certain prompt requirement, ask your tutor or a friend to explain it to you. That way you will become familiar with the various types of prompts and how to address the discussion in the proper manner.
## Comparison Of Energy Production

  
  
The pie chart compares the proportion of energy production in four different energy sources between 1995 and 2005. It is measured in the percentage of the production of energy.  
  
Overall, it can be seen that the greatest change was in the percentage of Petro production.  
In 1995, the most energy production was Coal at just under 30%, representing less than a third of all energy production and then by 2005 it rose to 30.93%. Following that, Gas was the second most energy production, and it also increased at 30.31% in 2005. However, in 1995 was the third most energy production but this decreased dramatically in 2005 at almost 20.00%.  
  
Another change was seen in the remaining two energy productions such as Nuclear and Other energy. There was a gradual growth in nuclear production in 2005 at more than 10%. 2005 experience a sharp growth in other energy production at less than one in ten.  
  
*
@abubakar07  
In my opinion,  
  
in overview, instead of describing only petro, it is better to describe *petro and gas which occupies most in energy production industry* and how about adding nuclear source as the least one?  
  
- "In 1995, the most energy production was coal" I think "... *most of the energy production relied on coal* .." is much better.  
  
- same as in "gas was the second most energy production"  
  
- "However, in 1995 was the third most ..." it must be accidental mistake.  
  
- "2005 experience" *experienced*
Abu, when you write the summary overview, always make sure that you do it as a complete paragraph that indicates all of the information required for comparison in the discussion. The overview summary should have, in this instance, included the following:  
  
1. Type of chart provided  
2. Inclusive years of consideration  
3. types of material to be measured (gas, coal, petrol, etc.)  
4 . type of measurement  
5. Discussion instructions (make comparisons where relevant, summarize important points, etc.)  
  
You included a number of considerations in your discussion but missed out on the discussion instructions and types of material to be measured. The format for the presentation must be in complete paragraph form in order to meet the C&C considerations, so you need to have come up with at least 3 sentences in the summary. Any shorter and you lose points in the scoring process.  
  
When you deal with charts that give you exact numbers or amounts of data, you must present it as factual instead of an estimation. Estimation sentences work best in graph presentations because the number indicated always fall within an "in-between" value thus an estimation, rather than an exact figure should be presented.  
  
Rather than having just a single line for the trending discussion, you should have tried to further develop it by indicating the trend for the other remaining energy types as well. Doing so would have shown a deeper analysis of the given image and create a pocket of higher scoring consideration for you in the final run-down.  
  
Your work in this essay is acceptable and may even garner you a passing score. There is room for more improvement in your work with regards to data presentation and analytical procedures. I suggest that you focus on developing those weak points in your future practice tests.
**The graph below shows the type of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age.**  
  
## british customers interested in purchasing music alums

  
  
The bar graphs give an overview about the percentages of British customers divided into sexes and ranges of age who pour their money on 3 different sorts of music albums. It can be clearly seen from the illustrations that pop and rock music are thoroughly trendy among male, 16 - 24, 25 - 34 and 35 - 44 users while classical one is preferred by 25 - 34 and 45+ purchasers.  
  
According to the first 2 graphs, pop music and rock music share many similarities. Listeners ranging around 25 - 34 years old and 45+ years old made up the highest and lowest percentages respectively in both graphs. However, the figures for rock slightly overcome pop's ones.  
  
Much as customers above 45 seem to pay little or those mentioned products, they bare the most striking characteristic in terms of classical music's sales. These people accounted or up to a fifth of the final graph, which means the budget they spend on this kind double that on the others. It is interesting to note that the rate of 16 - 24 and 35 - 44 buyers witnessed a sharp decline in this section compared to those purchasing for pop and rock, with the former occupied just a minority of a hundredth whereas the latter established approximately 2.5%.  
  
**I would utterly appreciate it if you score my essay as well.**  
  
*
Tran, when you write the summary overview, do not begin the discussion immediately by presenting actual information. The requirement for the summary is that you only detail the topic for discussion, the type of chart presented in the illustration, what the discussion requirements are, and how you plan to present the discussion to the reader. The trending discussion that you presented in the first paragraph should have been placed in the second paragraph instead since that is a totally different and fully developed discussion on its own. Remember, it's one full discussion per paragraph. Not 2 half developed discussions per paragraph. Also, rather than using fractional terms in your presentation, use percentage estimates instead. That would be the better and safer estimation term to use since the graph information was offered in percentage terms and would therefore, be easier for the reader to understand. Your second paragraph lacks information. It is just hanging there. You require a 3rd sentence to complete the paragraph. What information do you have on hand that will confirm that rock overtook pop in the graphs? Always make sure that you represent each phase of information in the essay. As for the final score, I think you would get around a 5 overall for this sort of work in an actual setting.
Can you help me to fix my essay, Thanks  
  
TOPIC: **Should a city try to preserve its old, historic buildings or demolish them and replace them with modern buildings?**  
  
## conservation of historical buildings

  
  
Some people belive architecure that we should destroy traditional .How ever, I think we need to protect them.  
  
First of all, the old buildings where have historic value. They saved culture, beutiful of live, value of people during centurys. Especially, some countrys seen been during wars where people to commerate the soldiers as heros was pass away for independently, so the old building remind humans about memory value of history. For example, In Viet Nam, On April 30, 1975, the 390th tank of the liberation army was pounded at the palace of the reunification Palace. President Duong Van Minh's cabinet surrenderd unconditionally. The pupet goverment(South Vietnam) officially collapsed.  
  
Second, by preseving historical buildings a city can attract many travellers. Welcoming tourists a ity get many benefis including money, which can be spent on preserving historical buildings as well as on improving roads and facilites. Every city has its own tradition and history which is refected through the art and creation of the building mostly. Destroying those heritage means destroying the old value and history.  
  
Also, Old buildings are real examples for educational young people to help them understand more value, culture, lifestyles of previous generation to give them more motivation to live a good life.  
  
To sum up, i belive that preserving old, historical buildings can bring only benefits to a city and all humankind.