dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## summarise the information from the graph

  
  
The graph illustrates the earnings of four types of café (the tea room, internet express, wi-fi café and café cool) in New York over the last year. Units are measured in thousands of dollars.  
  
Overall, there were significant changes in the monthly income of all four cafes over the period given. While the tea room witnessed a considerable decrease, for the other three cafes, it rose.  
  
In terms of the tea room, it was the most popular café in January with a monthly income of almost $160,000. In the following months, the figures experienced a wild fluctuation until October before dropping quickly to around $50,000 in December. Although the tea room earned the most money from January to October, its earnings became lower than the others in winter months.  
  
By contrast, the income of the other three cafes went up by varying degrees. The earnings of cafe cool fluctuated between around $30,000 and nearly $60,000, followed by a sudden increase to $120,000 at the end of the year. Similarly, internet express had an upward trend. Its income fell steadily to just under $80,000 in June, after which it rose gradually ending the year at about $130,000. Likewise, in the first 7 months, the amount earned by wi-fi café doubled from around $50,000 to nearly $100,000 and then rocketed to approximately $190,000.  
  
*
Hi!  
  
"four types of café (the tea room, internet express, wi-fi café and café cool)" --> I think that the diagram is reporting on 4 coffee shops, not types of café . The name of these shops should be in capitalized (the Tea Room, etc)  
  
Identifying wrong subject will lead to a very low score. Be aware!  
  
I also think that you should compare and contrast all the café shops along the way. Don't just describe them one-by-one.
Your last paragraph is too long. That is what pushed your essay into Task 2 territory. You only have 20 minutes to write this essay so you should be writing no more than 150-190 words. 221 words means you took almost 40 minutes to write this task. Remember, your draft should not take more than 10 minutes to write. The outlining for your essay should be timed as follows:  
  
10 minutes - review the image and note comparison points  
5 minutes - write the draft based on your notes  
5 minutes - proof read, correct the errors, and finalize the content  
  
Based on this time allotment, you should be able to write no more than 190 words. Try to write within the word requirement. Do not over discuss. This is just a report summary, not an opinion paper. There is no need to over analyze the presentation. That would cut into your task 2 writing time and leave you without enough time to address the Task 2 topic.  
  
Keep your report concise. Learn to structure your sentences to be clear by using proper keywords and information from the image. You should try to write another Task 1 essay that has less confusing comparison points for now. Being a beginner, you should start simple, working your way up to this complex presentation. Do not start with the complex image first. You are not yet capable of quickly reviewing such a complicated image at this point. You see, this image is all about the overlapping points. Which you failed to report on your presentation. So your essay is good, but not really fully developed.
*Hi! Here is my essay for TOEFL IBT independent writing. Please help me check it!*  
  
## children should learn to manage their own money at a young age

  
  
In this Toefl writing task 2, I will have 30 minutes to plan and write my answers ( through typing in computers)  
The instructions also say that typically, an effective response should contain a minimum of 300 words.  
  
**Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
  
In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at a young age.  
  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.**  
  
There are a variety of ways in which parents can prepare their children for future life. Nevertheless, whether kids should be taught about finance from an early age to become financially accountable adults remains controversial. In my opinion, it is better for kids to learn money management at a tender age. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following paragraphs.  
  
First of all, this allows them to make wiser choices on how to spend money. If children discover that they simply could not obtain all the things they desire at the same time, they will learn to set priorities. Take my little brother as an example, at the start of each month, he receives an amount of money from his father and uses it for the rest of the month. At first, he was extremely excited and spend all of his money on toys, so his room was filled up with all kinds of toys. However, he soon emptied his wallet and failed to purchase his favorite comic book when the new episode came out. He was regretful and gradually understood that in order to collect enough money for the book, he needs to stop wasting on unnecessary toys. That is how learning from mistakes can help kids financially in the long run.  
  
Second, financial lessons from childhood enable children to realize the value and importance of money. In order to achieve financial independence, it is crucial for one to spend less than he earns and start saving. Otherwise, he may encounter difficulty controlling his money. For instance, if a child is born into a wealthy family and immediately obtains what he asks for, he will take money for granted and make no effort in saving it. As he matures, he is likely to use up all his earnings and runs into debt. Therefore, parents should increase their offsprings' awareness of money when they were small.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that children should be equipped with money management skills since childhood. This not only helps them reach the right decision on how to spend but also teach them the significance of money, which may benefit them in the future.  
  
*Thank you for reading!*
It is not necessary for you to teach me how to do my job. I am a trained contributor and I am well versed in all the requirements for all the English language tests. I am insulted by your explaining the review criteria for your essay. Do you think I cannot review your essay properly? You forgot to identify what test you were taking before, hence the mistake in reviewing your work. If you do not provide the correct test title, you will definitely not get correct advice. If you feel that i am not doing a good job at advising you, that you have to teach me what to do, then maybe, you should be seeking advise elsewhere.  
  
Do not use numerical ordinals in your presentation. You will always get a better scoring consideration with the use of clear topic sentences. As of now, your third paragraph starts on a clearer discussion note than the second one. that is because your topic sentence contains a reminder of what the discussion is about. Your second paragraph forgets the importance of that topic reminder within the topic sentence.  
  
Always use sentence structures that connote strong support for your explanations. Avoid words of uncertainty such as "if" as this removes the authoritative and academic tone of your presentation. Rather than saying "If children discover", which is a weak sentence opening, you should say "Children should discover that they..." which indicates a strong support for your personal opinion. This can convince the reader to support your argument.  
  
Avoid using casual references such as "little brother", instead, use the more academic sounding "younger brother. Do not use casual and informal words in your presentation. The same goes for "It is crucial for one". It should indicate instead, "It is crucial for a n adult..." You have to clearly separate the reference from child and adult.  
  
This is a good start. You have done well. You still have room for improvement though. Try to avoid the mistakes I mentioned here next time.
## the population of elderly people in three nations

  
  
The line graph compares three types of nations namely Japan, France, and Yemen in terms of the percentage of inhabitants at the age of 65 and beyond from 1960 to 2040.  
  
As is highlighted in the line graph, there was a noticeable change in the population of the three aforementioned countries. Japan witnessed an exponential increase in the population aged 65 and older, which was marginally more popular than France. In contrast, there was a reverse trend could be seen in Yemen over the 80-year period.  
  
At the beginning of the period, the number of aged inhabitants were highest in France, about 11% which was double than one of Japan. Over the period of 40 years, France made up the most significant proportion of the elderly, seeing it climb to 13.30%, Japan experienced the very similar figure in 2000. In the foreseeable future, Japan is also forecasted to have a fair share of senior population and predicted to reach a peak at 30% in 2040. The figures for France are projected to be less considerable, a slight rise by 8.5% over 2 decades.  
  
Have a glance at Yemen, to begin with, there was a slight fall in the proportion of the elders over the the year, accounted for 3.70% in 1960. Yemen lose their popularity in the percentage of early citizens and hit the bottom at 2.6% in 2000. In particular, this trend is anticipated to level off, merely 3.1% at the end of the period
Hi! I have some suggestions for you:  
  
- "three  ~~types of~~ nations" --> there is no "type of" countries.  
  
- "... noticeable change in the population of the three aforementioned countries."  
--> I think that this information is wrong. The only significant change occurs in Japan.  
  
"... Japan experienced the very similar figure in 2000"  
  
--> This is also wrong. In 2000, Japan had the highest data, not France.  
  
You must be very careful when reporting data, or else you will receive a low score.
**Thank you for taking the time to read my essay. I am going to take the IELTS exam next month so your recommendations are appreciated :)**  
  
## Animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines

  
  
*Nowadays animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines and to test the safety of other products. Some people argue that these experiments should be banned because it is morally wrong to cause animals to suffer, while others are in favor of them because of their benefits to humanity. Discuss both views and give your own opinion?*  
  
It is considered by some that medical tests on animals have to be forbidden while there are others who think that this kind of experiment brings a lot of achievements for humankind. In my opinion, I believe that medical research is essential for civilization development but there are must be some restrictions for moral principles.  
  
On the one hand, people think that there are many benefits that the scientist can receive from this. One of the main advantages that is the scientists will find more methods for disease prevention. To avoid some side-effects when using on humans, they have to do trial patterns on the animals. Hence, they can complete the vaccine and some kinds of drug which help the world can fight against global pandemics. For example, the explosion of influenza H1N1 in 2009 claim millions of lives and without the vaccine, the human has to suffer heavier losses.  
  
On the other hand, we have to consider the fact that humankind has done myriad cruel experiments on innocent animals. We all forgot that animals also have their emotion, they can feel the pain from the experiments caused by humans. The vast of tested animals dead, the others face up with serious health problems. These partly reflect the dark side in humans, to achieve the goal, some people willing to give up humanity. For instance, there was a psychological experiment on baby monkey in 1960 which was critically protested by the society about their cruelty when the babies were kept in tiny metal boxes for up to a year. This kind of experiment is supposed to be immoral and inhuman.  
  
In conclusion, although experiments on animals can promote our medical achievements, indiscriminate testing on animals is unacceptable. As a result, the government needs to control this problem throughout some moral principles for animal experiment activities.
You almost got the 4 paragraph presentation for this discussion correct. There are 2 errors in the presentation that you used:  
- The lack of genderless pronoun usage to refer to the public discussion point of view  
- The lack personal opinion starting in the middle of the paragraph discussion. It should be presented by using the first person pronoun presentation in the paragraph  
  
Basically, the format goes like this:  
Sentence 1: Your point of view  
Sentence 2: The reason for your point of view  
Sentence 3: The reason why your point of view disagrees / agrees with the public point of view  
Sentence 4: An example of why the public point of view is wrong / right  
Sentence 5: A transition sentence or a final reason why the public point of view is right / wrong.  
  
This format can be used for the 2 discussion paragraphs. Remember, you cannot just say "my point of view is" without offering supporting discussions to prove your point. That is why I am suggesting you use the format above next time. It is important to build upon your opinion in the presentation using the given the given reasons. In this case, you only presented a general discussion, without clearly indicating whose opinion is being discussed, why, and what your personal opinion is.  
  
The pronouns are a major consideration in this instance because of the GRA requirements. You have to show that you know how to present opinions using proper person reference points as a part of your grammar range and accuracy. When you present general discussions without pronoun usage, you limit your scoring ability in that section.
## strength demanding jobs and salaries

  
  
There is a view that the individuals who have physically demanding jobs are paid less in contrast to the highly skilled ones in companies. However, I agree with this statement to certains extent as there are number of workers with strength demanding jobs and lucrative salaries.  
  
To begin with, physically demanding jobs, such as construction and farm labourers are not required to hold any qualification and skillset to work. This is the main reason why they are usually less paid in contrast to the jobs in coorporate enviroment where you are required to have education credentials and the skillset. This is important because most of the individuals working in companies have spent significant amount of their time and money in gaining education and experience. Conversely, one can start working as a labourer or cleaner in factory without any education and skills.  
  
However, there are also numerous strength demanding jobs that have lucrative salaries as compared to their counterpart working in offices. For instance, mechanical engineers and carpenters spend most of their time in workshops running around working without any rest and get paid highly as compared to a general designer in the same firm. Furthermore, these jobs also require competent workforce in order to excel in their work due to required precision. Argument goes that most of the physicaly demanding jobs in top companies, such as Rolls Royce are paid more than the administration jobs.  
  
To recapitulate, although most of the physically demanding jobs require no skills and education, therefore, are paid less than the highly skilled office jobs, I believe this is not universaly true as there are many physically demanding jobs that have lucrative salaries.
There is a discrepancy between the discussion instruction in your title and the discussion response that you gave in your prompt paraphrase. A simple agree or disagree discussion question does not require an extent response to the same question. Only and extent question requires an extent response. Since you did not post the proper prompt for the discussion, I cannot review and advise you regarding a proper response method. So I will focus on your general errors instead.  
  
By writing 277 words, I was expecting that you would have properly reviewed, revised, and finalized your essay content. Yet I found several errors in your presentation starting with:  
  
Spelling:  
certains - certain  
cooporate - corporate  
enviroment - environment  
physicaly - physically  
universaly - universally  
  
You know how to use the words, you know how it is pronounced, but you do not know how to spell it, so you should familiarize yourself with proper spelling. Try to read more English materials so that you can become more familiar with word usage and spelling.  
  
Conciseness:  
in order to - to ( less words sometimes come across clearer than phrase presentations.)  
are required to - must  
  
Formality:  
reason why - reason (phrase used is too informal)  
  
Kindly provide the prompt next time so that I can give you a more complete review of your work. The content of your presentation is scored heavily when compared to these errors which are more grammar related.
*Hi! This is my Toefl writing task 2, please help me with this essay.*  
  
***Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?  
## People benefit more from traveling in their own country than from traveling to foreign countries.

  
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.***  
  
Traveling plays a crucial part in our lives, for it not only helps us relieve stress but also broadens our horizons. However, whether people should explore their home country or other countries remains controversial. In my opinion, traveling abroad is more beneficial than traveling locally. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will discuss in the following paragraphs.  
  
First of all, it is the best way to learn a new language. Visiting a foreign country provides us with the opportunity to immerse ourselves in their language, which enhances our vocabulary as well as speaking fluency. For instance, last summer, I had a journey to Japan. It was a fascinating experience. Everyone around me speaks Japanese, and almost everything, from the menu in the restaurants, to the instruction signs in libraries or other public places, to the advertising pinned up around towns, is all written in this language. Hence, I have the chance to expand my vocabulary and practice my speaking skills. Having spent a few months in the native country, I no longer find it difficult to express my ideas in Japanese. As a matter of fact, I am now able to communicate clearly and coherently and be confident in my language ability. That is how traveling to a foreign country can benefit us in learning a second or third language.  
  
Second, traveling overseas allows us to explore a variety of cultures around the globe. Not all people on this Earth share the same lifestyle. Each country, each region has its own unique lifestyles. Thus, Stepping foot in foreign lands will open our minds and offer us a different look about the world. For example, my family once had a vacation in Egypt. We gained a great deal of knowledge about their history, people, and traditions. We were surprised to listen to stories about ancient Egypt from local people. In addition, we also participate in many special rituals and interesting festivals, which left me with unforgettable memories. It appears that the cultural barrier is completely removed. The deeper understandings I have of them, the more I admire and appreciate their civilization. That is the reason why it is better for people to travel abroad.  
  
In conclusion, I believe that international travelling brings more advantages than domestic traveling because it creates a perfect environment to study a new language and also helps us explore many exotic cultures around the world.
While you did write an extremely interesting essay, I believe that you lost track of time. You wrote a research paper rather than an opinion paper. An opinion paper is written within 250-290 words. A research paper is anywhere from 300-500 words. Writing up to 290 words will be possible within 40 minutes, 401 words, not so much. Stick to the opinion paper word count for the Task 2 essay. The advised length is within the 275-290 word count. Trust me, you will thank me for this advice.  
  
Your essay is over explained. You need to discuss within no more than 3-5 sentences per paragraph. That means, the target sentence count is anywhere from 20-25 sentences, depending upon if you are writing a 4 paragraph (20 sentences) or 5 paragraph (25 sentences) essay. You need to explain yourself quickly but clearly. Do not over emphasize, you need to watch the time allotment. Writing too many words means you will run out of time to edit your work.  
  
You also need to remind yourself of your tense usage. In this essay, you are referring to a previous time you had spent in Japan. So use the past frame work of sentence presentations. By the way, you are not Japanese, so you cannot say "having spent time in the native country". A native is someone who was born and raised in Japan. You merely spent time "in the country" since you were not born in Japan. There is a big difference between the two reference phrases.  
  
Your opening paragraph is not an accurate paraphrase of the original discussion. You actually began discussing the topic in that paragraph which is not the way to go. That paragraph is used only to show off your English comprehension skills and your ability to restate information using an English thought process. Hence:  
  
*Going to other countries often has positive results for most folk. However, there are others who believe that there are more gainful experiences to be had by traveling within their own nation. Having spent time in Japan, I am more in agreement with the belief that there are more notable results for people who experience life in other regions of the world.*  
  
The example above is a better representation of the original prompt and discussion instructions.  
  
Your conclusion is good, but represents a run-on sentence. Divide it. You have to make sure to meet the sentence requirements per paragraph. Make sure that you clearly restate the original prompt before you present your opinion and reasons in that section. You have to do that because it is a new paraphrase of the original topic and your discussion reasons.