dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## more internships for students

  
  
When it comes to work recruitment, work experience plays an important role on whether the employers want to hire you or not. This challenges fresh graduate students since their lack of experience. Through so, universities should put emphasis on providing students, especially senior ones, with the inclusion of internship in their curriculum.  
  
Initially, internship trains students' courage and ability to deal with problems. Trouble does happen around the clock, only when having struggled from difficulty once do students have enough maturity to cope with it. Internship is such an invaluable opportunity for students to do so, since mistakes made during internship program only act as experience and do not cause any harm to you. Make a comparison between two students, the first one graduate with an A but has never been on the internship program whereas the second one only graduate with an B but owes a broad experience. These two work in the same company and cooperate for a project. When there are difficulties, the first one is totally struggle with them and not able to figure out ways to manage all the problems because he/she has not been taught during his/her university. On the other hand, the second one, along with his/her extensive experience, now can easily dismiss obstacles and achieve success and promotion. It is true to say that although a gap between theory and real operation is noticeable, students can only realize it when they actually work.  
  
Secondly, working as trainees for companies in internship program can bring chances of future enrollment to students. Performances during internship program is the mean to achieve this. The better you perform, the greater chance you will have for being hired after your graduation. If you tend to work hard and effectively, there is no reason for the employers to not select you as they have already seen your passion and how intelligent you are. Furthermore, students can make a last-minute decision on whether they chose the right career for themselves during this real-time set. There are students who are on second thought after internship program because they find the job no longer suitable for them.  
  
In conclusion, due to aforementioned reasons, internship or some type of work experience should be included in university education.
Trà , which of the English tests are you preparing for? IELTS or TOEFL? Also, what is the complete prompt that you are responding to? I read your opening paragraph and could not understand what the point of the essay is because you obviously have not presented a proper restatement of the discussion topic and instructions in the first paragraph. So I will not be able to help you improve your presentation in terms of TA requirements. If I may though, the opening paragraph should contain the following:  
  
1. The topic for discussion.  
2. The reason for the discussion.  
3. The discussion method  
  
Your opening sentence doesn't properly introduce the topic for discussion so it cannot be considered an appropriate opening presentation for a Task 2 essay (for IELTS) or prompt restatement (for TOEFL).  
  
Your succeeding paragraphs are also improperly formatted. You are given only 5 sentences per paragraph to discuss your essay. You should have divided your second paragraph into 2 since you are allowed a reasoning discussion covering 3 paragraphs. That helps you to better focus the discussion per paragraph. The point of these English tests is to decide whether you have the ability to present your thoughts in coherent English, within a limited number of sentences.  
  
Your discussion does not seem to have a proper direction. There is no point to the discussion aside from showing off your knowledge about the topic. I really wish you had provided the prompt when you uploaded the essay. I am frustrated because I can only give you one piece of advice per thread and right now, I am limited in the way I can help you improve due to lack of data.  
  
Please remember that a concluding paragraph still needs at least 3 sentences because it is supposed to present the summarized form of your prompt discussion. You cannot do that in a single sentence. That will lower your scoring considerations immensely.
Question:  
*The Internet has dramatically altered our lives over the past few decades.Although some of these changes have been negative, the overall effect of this technology has been positive. what are your opinion on this?*  
  
## impact of the world wide web

  
  
There is little doubt that the Internet be invented by human needs.People have the strong desire to get information which it is very possible that can get rid of panic of unknown future or situation.The cause of Internet to sway people`s mind is often being disscussed for many years.The transformation of modern society is entirely different from the era which had difficulty to connect each other.Generally speaking, the favorable effects and unwanted solutions have been scrutinizing by many professional expertise of modern anthropology.  
  
When it comes to the disapprove of website impact on civilization, we usually cope with the social media of celebrities.Fashion culture has been considered as the main culprit to responsible for the undesirable side effects.Famous people require commercial activities to spread their name in order to persuade ordinary men to purchase the products which involve their salary resources.The purpose of those culprits is to gain self-esteem and the obsession of luxury goods.By and large, the website is the wonderful choices for them to spread the information which lead to the unwelcome influence on public.  
  
However,the large numbers of websites have resulted in immediate data acquiring and making decision quickly. In the past, it is hard to obtain right information instantly.The majority of those effects often bring society into an unavoidable error.For example, once the warning of earthquake could not be published on National Weather Service Website,the lost of Country is massive and worst of all,causing the threat of human life.If the website is used in proper way, it extend the benefit of Internet giving people directions on their later time.  
  
The quality of website should be examined by their professional people who can distinguish the right or wrong.However,only a few people have the ability to execute it, especially in the democratic society which is famous for its freedom of speech.The advantage of internet is the expression of man`situation.What we know about society just a fraction of view is can be shared by website.If we communicate with advance society by website, we improve our life through learning new knowledge from them.  
  
In conclusion, the innovation of contemporary technology converted modern surrounding.The improvement should not be put aside by overwhelming drawback of false news.Although some argue that the unavoidable jolt of comments on website, it makes a competitive society to progress faster than before.
Erica, I just need to know if you are responding to a Direct Question Task 2 essay or if you are responding to a Task 2 opinion essay. While they are both Task 2 essays, the opening paraphrase response requirements differ for each. For a Direct Question essay, you represent the opinion with a summarized line of reasoning at the end of your paraphrased statement. For the opinion essay, you hold off on the official discussion with reasoning until the body of paragraphs. Which one is it for you? Just remember the differing requirements for each type of Task 2 essay so that you will know how to approach each one properly. Regardless of which type of essay you are responding to, you have to still stick to a proper representation of the prompt paraphrase in the paragraph in order to prove that you understood the topic provided. What you did was discuss the topic immediately, which is never done in an IELTS essay. You need to paraphrase first. For example:  
  
*The information superhighway was greatly transformed the way man conducts his activities over the past ten years. There have been signs that these changes have resulted in unfavorable outcomes for some people. However, most of the results have resulted in good outcomes for most. In this essay, I will be discussing my positive opinion of the internet effects on everyday life.*  
  
This is your opportunity to show off your English skills in terms of expressing yourself. The minute you come across as coherent, with a wide lexical resource, presented in an appropriate manner, then you will immediately increase your TA, LR, C&C, GRA scores. This part of the test becomes the foundation of the rest of your scores. Do well in the paraphrase and you have won a significant scoring battle. The current opening statement that you have needs to better represent these sections by accurately restating the prompt and its instructions in your own words.  
  
Most of your paragraphs just deliver strongly on examples, without explanations and reasons. These create incoherent and non-cohesive paragraph discussions which will greatly affect the scores of the 4 criteria. Towards the end of your essay, you even stray from the discussion topic, resulting in an essay that is confused,inaccurate, and uninformative. Overall, the essay is not strong enough to get a passing score because of the TA, GRA and C&C problems in the presentation.  
  
There are previous essays written about the same topic in this forum, I suggest you read those in order to understand how to better write these sorts of topic essays. In fact, before you write another practice test, you might want to look for examples of how to write the essay based on the same topic within this forum. That way you can write an essay that might be a little bit more responsive to the prompt than these previous attempts of yours.
Hai guys, i really need your help to assess my writing task 2 in ielts. I have test next month. Big thanks!  
  
**1. A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?**  
  
## today's people values

  
  
It can not be denied that the value of people will be seen according to the wealth and social status. This is because, somehow, rich person can do what so ever they want, including build their honour. I agree with this statement with some reasons that i will mention below.  
  
In my view, if a person is richer, there will be more people venerate him. People will only respect on what they directly witness, wealth for instance. Furthermore, in metropolis, people consider a whole thing by what they have. For example, businessman is respected by his clients or his employees because he is rich, no matter he is gossiped behind. Another example is a placeman in an public institution. He surely is rich, so every people mostly is valuing him as an honour.  
  
I believe that a strategic position in an institution will create honour, trust, and kindness. This can be occured through the efforts of stakeholders inside. For instance, a presidents as representative of inhabitants is believed because he was choosen by election. If he is elected, people will respect on him, hence trust and honour are automatically existed.  
  
In conclusion, old-fashioned does not become main attention. Because it can be reached after we have higher social status. On the other statement, we ought to find more material possession firstly, thus, other goals, such as honour, kindness, and trust, are adhering us no matter what actually people feel about us.
*Hi Zeqy, I have read your writing closely and would try reviewing what you needed to improve. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.  
  
Firstly, you potentially get penalty and your score would be reduced because your number of words is less than 250 words (241 words). You are supposed to write at least 250 words as one of essential requirements in the writing task 2. Generally, more candidates of IELTS test write between 265 and 280 words. Please, you pay attention to this problem for getting a good score. Following this, you actually misunderstood the prompts given. The first sentence is a general statement, and you are supposed to give your perspective about the opinion that honors, kindness, and trust are unimportant.  
  
In addition, you still made minor errors in grammar. Perhaps, it is a small mistake, but you did many times, which can reduce your point in grammatical accuracy. Lastly, your example is unclear. You have to make it more obvious to strengthen your opinion.  
  
Hopefully, my suggestion can be useful for your writing. GOOD LUCK for your test.*
Zeqi , your essay has a number of problems with it which you need to address. Aside from being below the required word count of 250, which will result in the automatic failure of this test in an actual setting, the problems have less to do with the intent of your body of paragraphs and more to do with the way that you present the information within the overall essay. Let's address this problem one by one so that you can keep track of what changes need to be made.  
  
Your opening paraphrase is not in accordance with the requirements of the opening paragraph. As proof that you understood the discussion topic provided and that you will be able to discuss it in the manner required, you need to deliver an appropriate restatement of the discussion prompt. Additionally, you need to make sure that you respond to the question or instruction line in an appropriate manner. In this case, the "extent" question should be responded to as "partially, fully, or strongly" to name but a few variations of the extent discussion response. So, a better example for this paraphrase is:  
  
*These days, more value is placed on the finances, popularity, and influence of a person. It appears that traditional considerations such as reputation, courtesy, and reliance are no longer appreciated as these once were. I fully agree with this opinion and will explain why within this essay.*  
  
You can either use the same keywords from the original in the prompt restatement, or use the equivalent terms, as I did, in order to increase your TA and LR scores in one attempt. What is important is that you restate the prompt in an original manner, based upon your English writing abilities.  
  
The presentation of supporting evidence in your essay is strong and shows a coherent and cohesive discussion within the paragraphs. However, the transition sentences that are required to prepare the reader for the upcoming paragraph is not represented in the last sentences. These transition paragraphs will help to keep the presentation connected to one another and also helps the reader to better keep track of the discussion.  
  
Your conclusion is also inaccurate. It should only reflect a similar presentation as the opening paraphrase. That means, you now have to present the basis of your discussion and the supporting statements presented with the conclusion signified by a restatement of your opinion.  
  
The overall essay is a good attempt but has a number of problem points as I pointed out. Improve on the formatting part because the presentation is pretty much acceptable at this point. So you need to develop the weak points that I pointed out instead.
Hello zeqy,  
  
I have read your essay and I figure some mistakes:  
  
1. ~~rich person~~ can ... =>Rich people  
2. that  *~~i~~* will ... => I  
3. People will only *respect on*=> respect for  
4. .., so every people mostly *is* are  
5. a president  
  
Your friend.  
  
HappyFunny
Boyu, the instruction you provided does not seem complete. You indicated that you have to write a 500 word essay based on the story, but what kind of essay was it supposed to be? A reaction essay or a creative narrative that retells the story in a more intricate manner? I am confused about that part. I am confused because your essay is just basically a retelling of the same story, with no real observations or comments that were not based upon the information provided. Unless you can clarify the type of essay that you were supposed to write, I doubt that the following advice will be useful to you. However, since this essay has been posted, I will try to advise you regarding it. The essay should have began with the second paragraph because that makes a direct reference to the story you were given. This creates a "direct response" to the story and immediately engages the reader. The first paragraph is just unnecessary fluff. Do not use slang terms such as "sacked" in a formal academic essay. Instead, use more formal terms such as "terminated from her job". Be formally descriptive, not creatively casual in your presentation. This is still a formal written discussion after all. The reference to your roommate is not necessary in this instance. You changed the course of the prompt discussion by closing with a different example that is not related to the story you were asked to write about. Doing so altered the total presentation and, that being the last presentation in the commentary, has led the reader to remember the wrong information coming out of your essay. This is about the girl in the story, not your roommate so do not introduce unrelated examples at the end if you cannot connect it to the original prompt.
@Holt  
Dear Holt. Thank you very much for your advice! I will reconsider the problem that you have mentioned carefully. It is true that the instruction is partial which was given by my friend. As you can see, I have a long way to go before the day when I am capable of writing a good work. I really appreciate your honest and patient comment on my first posted essay which encourages me to continue writing. You truly have made my day. Long may you enjoy your every day and happy Christmas!
Alex, your teacher is right. This is not a persuasive essay. This is an opinion paper and nothing more. A persuasive essay will look at both sides of the discussion, rebutting the other side as being false or inefficient in reasoning because of better, more valid, more authoritative reasons coming from you. Each time you present information such as percentages or quotes, you must include a reference to the source material in the manner that the paper format dictates (APA ,MLA, Chicago, to name a few formats). Otherwise, the information is not considered persuasive nor accurate in presentation. Think along the lines of a compare and contrast essay in order to successfully persuade people to your side. Don't use caps lock when emphasizing words in an academic paper, use either italics or an underline to do that. Refrain from using the bold function on the letters as well as all of these indicate shouting as the reader.
**Nation should require all of its students to study same national curriculum until they enter college**  
  
## the same kind of education for everyone?

  
  
The idea of using a standardized national curriculum in the entire nation seems appealing, as the same study material is available to all the students. This ensures that various type of schools-government(central, state, municipal), private and not for profit, all offer the same kind of education. Indeed this approach eliminates the disparity in level of education being offered, if any. But its application sounds more relevant to the developing nation in comparison to developed nations. The issue has to be addressed by the members of national education committee for its viability & success.  
  
While it does offer benefit like parity in level of education, but at the same time it needs to be assess if this is in good for entire nation. As different students might have different needs. No two students are of same level or have same interests. The capabilities, area of interest, their need for education might differ from each other. For some students, this curriculum might be challenging whereas, for some it might not be sufficient. Some may have interest in history, others might be willing to study maths or a foreign language.  
  
Not just the subjects, the same content might pose a challenge to limit the imagination. As was in the case of the famous scientist Albert Einstein. He found school boring, as what he wanted to know he could not get answers by the teachers. Teachers were focused more on doing well in exam rather than learning. Another example which can be referred here is from the Roman history. The professors used poetry to teach their students. No fixed curriculum was followed by them. They picked a line or a prose and referred it to explain the concept science/history/philosophy. If we look at these examples then this very idea appears as hindrance in learning.  
  
It is a nation's duty to decide what offers a better education and future to their most important asset. How they want to shape them. It depends of the economy, demographics of the nation. However, the best judge is the nation itself. Approach has different consequences in different aspects.  
  
Please review my essay and share your feedback.
Shweta, are you writing a direct question IELTS test essay? Or is this for a TOEFL essay? You did not provide the type of test you are taking and the full original prompt that you are responding to so that your essay can be properly assessed. What sort of discussion are you supposed to represent in the essay? I don't really see a proper thesis statement presented in the first paragraph. Rather, there is a direct discussion of the topic, without a proper representation of the prompt requirement. The overall discussion in the body of paragraphs can be considered informative. However, I am not sure if this is the proper discussion that you should have provided because of the lack of prompt information. Your paragraph about Albert Einstein is not fully developed as an explanation because you only provided it as a superficial example without reason. The same goes for the Roman history sample. If you do not fully develop your discussions, you will not get a good score. The rule is that you should only present one example, one reason, and a few supporting statements totaling 5 sentences per paragraph. Without considering the prompt requirements though, you have a good and strong essay here. It just needs to be better focused in terms of discussion and prompt presentation in order to heighten your scoring potential.
Hi @Holt: Thank you for your response. I will take care of the point you have mentioned. This essay was written for **GRE**.  
**Essay Prompt**: Nation should require all of its students to study same national curriculum until they enter college.  
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.
Hello, I think your response is adequate, but i believe you should change somethings to make the essay fall into place better.  
For example:  
being offered, ~~if any~~.  
  
But its application sounds more relevant to the developing nation in comparison to developed nations. The issue has to be addressed by the members of national education committee for its viability & success.  
  
This application is more relevant to the developing nation in comparison to developed nations, calling forth a need to address this dilemma by members of the national education committee in hopes of viability.  
  
While it does offer benefit(s) like ... education, **at the same time**