dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
## Playing computer games is a waste of time

  
  
Nowadays, most children spend their leisure time playing video games. Most parents find it an easy way to keep their children busy while doing their own business. Personally, I believe that we should not allow children to play games. In this essay, I will support my opinion with reasons and examples.  
  
Firstly, what is the benefit of playing video games? Have you ever seen anyone who had learned something useful from video games? If I want to be honest I have not. For example, my 9-year-old cousin who plays video games all time just became more aggressive. The only thing he had learned is how to kill people and the names of guns. Video games have become his whole life and he doesn't live in reality anymore. When I see my cousin, I realize that video games are not only just a waste of time but indeed it's harmful.  
  
Secondly, video games are rather addictive, what I mean by this is that when children start playing them they don't sense passing time and as a result, they sit in that position for hours. This phenomenon might seriously damage their spine. For instance, when I was a child I used to play GTA for hours each day. It was too addictive that I used to play it without a tiny rest from time to time and consequently, I have back and neck problems nowadays. All children who play video games are susceptible to these kinds of harm and we should take it seriously.  
  
To sum up, seeing a child playing video games is a commonplace that should be stopped. Because they incite violence among young people and also might adversely affect their health conditions. In my view, children should spend their free time with more useful activities like reading and exercising instead of playing video games.
There are different rules for writing the TOEFL test that vary from the IELTS format. Though the two tests may share prompt questions, that does not mean that they need to use the same discussion format. The difference is that the IELTS test requires a thesis statement presentation or, as in this case, a presentation of the discussion instructions. The TOEFL test, requires a direct opinion discussion in the first paragraph. You don't even have to restate the prompt at this point, just make sure to discuss the topic with clarity and conviction. Your presentation follows the IELTS format rather than the TOEFL format. Keep the difference in mind next time you do a practice essay.  
  
In the reasoning explanation, you said your cousin does not live in reality anymore, you have to follow that up with an explanation. Why did you say that? How does it relate to the video games argument? Since that is a totally stand alone presentation, it is best to discuss it in another paragraph. That way you can always use explanations to the hilt, making sure your opinion is clearly explained and represented with supporting facts.  
  
Your writing is acceptable and shows a clear understanding of the given prompt. It has good supporting statements, but these could still use some work due to the lack of explanation for one reference point that you presented.
**## Today, TV channels show more men's sports than women's sports.

  
*Why is this the case? Should TV channels give equal time for women's sport and men's sport?***  
  
People have been taking more of an interest in playing and watching sports these days. However, there is a significant distinction between the sports coverage on television for the two genders. I believe that women's sports should get just as much coverage as men's, and will outline my reasons in the following essay.  
  
To begin with, there are several understandable reasons for the dominance of men's sports programs on television. Due to the large proportion of sports viewers being male, men's sports programs tend to be given an impetus to the broadcast in television channels' efforts to maximize ratings and profits. Take football as an example. Inside a coffee shop, it is common to be conscious of seeing a rally of young men discussing ebulliently a recent men's football match, while women show a greater preference for having a usual chat about other topics like shopping, cosmetics, or celebrity gossip. Additionally, since men are ordinarily physically stronger and faster than women, they tend to play at a much higher level, which definitely makes men's sports much more riveting to watch.  
  
However, I certainly support the viewpoint that it is indispensable to provide equal sports coverage for both genders and bolster women's sports programs. Firstly, it obviously helps to create gender equality in society and support the ramp-up in the sport participation rate of women. Every time women go out onto the field, they give it their all knowing that their best will likely go unnoticed, and therefore just like men, female athletes should receive full recognition for their effort. Although men are stronger than women, we could not believe that women are not cut out for sports. Secondly, better media coverage also enables women to make money from endorsements which improve their income. That is to say, more television exposure for female players will lead to major deals with endorsers and higher salaries in the future through advertising contracts.  
  
In conclusion, why women's sports shows do not receive adequate coverage in this day and age results from the aforementioned reasons, and I truly believe that it is a must to ensure coverage of women's sports as extensive as men's.
will outline my reasons in the following essay.  
This does not qualify as a targeted, direct response to the question "Why is this the case?" The "Why" part that you have to respond to helps / supports your opinion by allowing you to present your thesis statement. This thesis statement that tells the examiner why you believe something assists in portraying a clear opinion and, introducing the topics for upcoming discussion. Simply saying you will outline your reasons in the paragraphs does not meet the clarity requirement for the direct response questions.  
  
You have only 40 minutes to write this essay. Based on the quality requirements for the scoring presentation, it will appear that you should not be spending all that time writing 359 words. You should be focused on presenting simple, clear and focused discussions. Not overly long presentations that take too long to get to the point. It is a must that you allot the last 10 minutes of the task for proof reading and editing. Otherwise, you are risking leaving your errors in the essay, and intentionally lowering your scores within the individual grading considerations.  
  
Do not present conflicting discussion paragraphs. This is a single opinion essay. So the focus has to be on your opinion as presented in the thesis statement. You are not asked to compare both sides, just one, the one you believe in. Do not confuse the discussion because the examiner will only score you on the parts of the presentation that support the original opinion. That normally results in a less than minimum word count presentation in most essays.  
  
When the irrelevant paragraph is removed, you end up with 232 words out of 250 in this presentation. The word deductions applied to the essay will more than likely contribute to a failing score when all the errors and deductions are added up.
## Factors to succeed in career

  
  
Recently, in developed countries, a heated discussion has occurred, numerous citizens hold the belief that working hard and determination could be the main contributors to success in their careers while the opponents of this viewpoint have strong beliefs that others factors are much more essential, particularly money and good appearance. From my personal perspective, I strongly take sides with the advocates assuming that determination and diligence are the fundamentally elementary factors.  
  
On the one hand, it should be borne in mind that the merits of an economic and attractive look are undeniable. As a matter of fact, the employees who are wealthy could apply for occupation smoothly in various lucrative companies. For instance, when you are recruited in enterprise, at first you could not stand in high position and must excessively attempt in order to achieve those. Nevertheless, business relationships, which are frequently created from money, would facilitate superb achievements immediately. Secondly, in recent decades, it is claimed that gorgeous presentation is paramount importance to certain key sectors, especially entertainment and fashion. Beauty would bring more success to variety singers as well as models as they could get much attention from the audiences and the chance never ceases to grow for them to attain the significant society-ladder.  
  
On the other hand, it is assumed that various factors are actually essential, encompassing determination and hard work. There is no doubt that diligence heightens the status in a particular enterprise. If attractive appearance is just the first impression, it is alertness that would prove to the chief minister that the employee has enough capabilities to address obstacles , even in the most grueling curriculum. A good case in point is that a staff member , who feasibly negotiates with affluently grumpy partners and makes a return for the firm, obviously would be promoted. Regarding the determination aspect, only by having this factor could agents stay in their jobs as well as working productively. Hence, they would be appreciated and increasingly outstanding , subsequently climbing to their peak of career is evident.  
  
In conclusion, although the beneficial advantages of cash and gorgeous looking in work are noticeable, I am wholeheartedly convinced that determination as well as diligence are the mainstream elements to become successful.
The original prompt requests that you discuss the topic based on a 3 paragraph format. It clearly states: Discuss both views then give your opinion. Such an instructions requires a compare and contrast discussion presentation for the first 2 paragraphs based on the public opinions provided in the prompt, not your personal opinion yet. Only after the comparative discussion can you state a personal opinion that supports or argues against one of the given public opinions. This cannot be presented as a general discussion or solely personal opinion format.  
  
You should also avoid presenting your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. Not only is that the wrong position for your personal opinion, but your personal opinion comes across as the least developed opinion in the presentation, thus garnering the lowest possible consideration (if at all due to the improper placement of the sentiment), and lowering your score in the process.
As a non-native English speaker, I would certainly have several unnoticed mistakes on the coherence / cohesion and task response elements. This could make my essay sound unnatural / disconnected, and hence greatly lower my IELTS writing score. I would appreciate if you could help me point out these mistakes in the essay, so I can write better. (FYI: I got 6.5 writing, and I'm aiming for 7 - 7.5 in writing).  
  
**Full topic name:  
  
*Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants or animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems.*  
  
*## Discuss both these views and give your own opinion*.**  
  
**Answer**  
  
Nowadays, environmental issues are the primary concern of the world, since the future of human beings heavily depends on the environmental conditions on Earth. In my opinion, though the extinction of some species of plants and animals are highlighted, there are several other critical environmental problems to be addressed immediately.  
  
Undeniably, the death of several animals and plants can negatively impact our human life. This is because the natural ecosystems are heavily connected in complex chains, where plants and animals co-live together. When some plants and animals are extinct, the balance in these systems would be broken, endangering other dependent species. Consequently, as the domino effect, mass extinction of many species around the world, which eradicates biodiversity, could be inevitable. Even worse, such imbalance in the ecosystems can also lead to the proliferation of new species that are harmful to human beings, which used to be suppressed by an extinct species in the past. Worldwide pandemic can be an example for the impact of such proliferation.  
  
However, there are much more urgent and threatening environmental problems to be resolved now, noticeably the heavy pollution and climate change. First, these two problems greatly impact our quality of life. Pollution causes widespread respiratory diseases among people, whereas sudden climate change causes discomfort, irritation or even mental sufferings in our daily life. Second, such environmental problems soon endanger the Earth as a livable place to our future generation. With the current growth rate of population, humans must soon find another livable planet and move a large part of the population there, or must impose cruel methods to reduce the population.  
  
In conclusion, there are more urgent and critical environmental issues to be addressed immediately for human survival, so the issues of plant and animal extinction should be put at the lower priority.
Your essay comes across as a solely general opinion presentation. You are not using the correct format for the discussion based on the discussion elements presented:  
  
- Some people say ...  
- Others say that ...  
- Discuss your personal opinion  
  
Due to the incorrect outline of your paper, you failed to use the correct GRA format for your discussion. It must contain references to "some people" and "others" prior to the "I" discussion in the presentation. You gave a general discussion that does not separate the discussion points based on public opinion as required by the prompt presentation. Properly formatting your discussion, based on the outline given in the original prompt will help improve your score. The differentiation of opinion discussions is a must as these are presented separately in the original prompt and not as a general discussion reference.  
  
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## News report

  
  
VINH PHUC: On April 15, the police of Vinh Phuc province said that a poor old farmer in the commune found a bag with 1 Billion VND (45.000$) in it. He asked a police officer for help and returned all the money to who lost it.  
  
On the afternoon of April 15, the 70-year-old man reported to Vinh Phuc commune police about picking up a bag on the road. During the verification process, Vinh Phuc Commune Police received information about the loss of property from a 47-year-old woman from the same province during the transportation of goods on the road. Inside the handbag were one billion VND, an iPhone and many other identification papers.  
  
The 70-year-old man is the local farmer. Although He has a difficult life, when he had picked up the valuable money, he did not greedily take it for his own but tried to return it to the person who had lost it.  
  
When the woman received her lost property, she could not hide her happiness.  
"I really don't think I can find my bag, it is all I have," she said.  
Then, as a thanks, she gave a small portion of the money to help her benefactor.  
The action of the poor farmer was rewarded. And the president also informed journalists to report this news. They believed that it would inspire everyone to study and imitate the old man.
poor old farmer in the commune found a bag  
The farmer is from the commune, where did he find the bag? What were the circumstances when he found it? The backstory needs to be complete.  
  
He asked a police officer for help  
What did he have to do to find the police? Where were the police stationed? Who attended to him when he arrived? What did he tell them as additional information? Was he suspected of stealing the bag then wanting to return it?  
  
On the afternoon of April 15  
Mention the time.  
  
47-year-old woman  
70-year-old man is the local farmer.  
You need to mention names and additional information to help show the clean intent of the farmer and by comparison, the worry of the money owner.  
  
And the president  
Seems like too much of a stretch, this is only local, not national news. I doubt the country's president can be bothered by such simple information in terms of making announcements about it.  
  
I am not sure what sort of help you really need with this paper because you did not supply enough instructions for me to be able to help you. These are the basic changes you can make to the presentation, based on my observations.
## disappearance of particular species of fauna and flora

  
  
Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Other say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion?  
  
It is thought that the vital environmental issues of our era are the biological diversity loss of fauna and flora. While others believe that there are more challenging environmental obstacles. I would argue that nowadays, even more, many huge problems than some plants and animals' disappearance.  
  
The disappearance of biological diversity loss of fauna and flora can not be compared with the loss of the ozone layer causing by human exploitation of fossil fuels and CO2 emissions. Because even when some plants and animals are under the cliff of extinction, it does not affect Earth's survival. However, the ozone layer is contrary. It leads to numerous harmful effects on both humankind and species. For example, a report of the United Nations in 2010 released that because of human activities on increasing CO2 on Earth have created a hole in the atmosphere and causing million of the death toll of animals and plants in Africa.  
  
Furthermore, the ozone layer hole a significant role to be pivotal than other environmental issues. It can also be a consequence of several problems such as increasing sea level or another ice age. The natural defense layer unprotects the Earth leads to unexpected weather, which could be suddenly cold or hot. For instance, an experiment of Harvard on the weather without ozone layer released that the weather is too hot, about 40-50 degrees leading to melted ice, and thousands of species can lose their homes because of water rising, in contrast, if it is too cold, water can be frozen leading to another ice age.  
  
In conclusion, while others believe the main problem of our time the disappearance of particular species of fauna and flora. I believe there are a lot of environmental fields are more important.
While others believe that there are more challenging environmental obstacles. I would  
Incorrect sentence structure. A comma, rather than a period is required in this presentation as the current prior sentence lends itself, based on its structure, to additional information being presented due to the presence of the word "While" which refers to a period of interval or time between thoughts.  
  
The structure requires a general reference to other points of view due to the reference to "some people" and "others". Therefore, there needs to be 2 third person pronoun paragraph references prior to a full first person pronoun reference discussion. This shows the comparative format (for the first 2 points of view) and the personal opinion (third paragraph). You need to expand the discussion of your personal opinion as it should either support one of the two given statements or, result in a totally different discussion. That is why you cannot present your personal opinion as a single sentence in the concluding summary.  
  
While you will still get a score for this presentation, it will not be as high as it could have been, had you used the proper format for the discussion presentation.
## It is more important to set realistic goal than ambitious goals

  
  
In my opinion, I doesn't think that it is important to set realistic goal than ambitious goal. I believe that goals needs to be the challenging one. If it is so simple & can be easily reached then, such goals is often considered boring goals. A goal should always be adventurous. I feel this way for a number of reasons, including that when the goal is ambitious one then we will fill most satisfied at the end after it's accomplishment.  
  
First, I think that we should reach for the stars. By that i mean that it is important to know that sky is the limit so, we need to reach for something that is beyond the limit. With this thought we can accomplish anything in this world & also we can serve humankind whose who are in need. For example, every great success story, every incredible biography, any mind blowing achievement we've ever heard; all this was possible because one set ambitious goal over realistic one.  
  
Next, ambitious goal will develop a number of important qualities in us including, persistence, experience, discipline, determination, creativity. Such qualities will help us to accomplish anything that is much bigger & valuable of which the world have rarely heard about. Frankly, there are times when i came in contact with one of my most ambitious friend. She had a ambitious goal in her life for which she had developed all those important qualities in her, i could see & feel that qualities of her right in front of me. After that though we were not in contact with each other for some reasons, i heard from other people that she meet the ambitious goal which she set.  
  
Finally, ambitious goal provides clarity. When one set ambitious goal, their target will be to meet that goal instead of mere hopes and dreams which makes them clear about their life goal & adds meaning to it.  
  
In summary, I would like to conclude that i disagree with the statement "It is more important to set realistic goals than ambitious goals".
Your essay would have been clearer to the reader, with a clearer reference to the original prompt if, within your response, you were able to integrate your current final sentence in this presentation. A clear and straightforward offering of your opinion would have clearly set the tone for the succeeding discussion and kept it more on track. You of course, would need to have done that within a properly reworded paragraph. Launching into you own definition of goals, you actually strayed from the 2 types of goals that were originally presented. This created a rambling statement that did not really connect with the original prompt. Although a prompt restatement is not required in a TOEFL test, staying on topic, based on provided discussion points, is still a requirement.  
  
Most of your paragraphs are long and have a point, for the most part. There is a problem with your opinion presentation because you lack clearly supported explanations via valid examples. As is a common problem among students taking these English tests, there is a tendency for you to simply keep giving reasons, but not really building up those reasons with believable explanations. The score for the TOEFL test is based on the clarity and connection of your discussions. There are points within your presentations when the clarity is obscured by the lack of explanation due to your desire to present reasons, rather than explanations in the essay. This essay presentation might still get a passing score in an actual setting, however, it will be a mere passing score. That means that it passed only by very little consideration, which, will affect the types of schools that you would be able to apply to. The lower the score you get, the lesser known schools you can apply to. Focus on reasoning and discussion, rather than reasoning topics alone in your practice tests.