dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Jade, your essay is good in covering the discussion of the graph. However, you only presented body paragraphs in this essay. You did not represent a summary of the presentation plus an outline of the discussion that was to come forth. The summary could have come either as an opening statement or a concluding summary. Neither were represented in your essay. The summary outline is actually one of the most important factors that is considered in the scoring process so you should never neglect to present that summary in the essay. Don't be confused, the summary overview cannot contain any of the actual information found in the graph. Rather, it is to give information regarding the discussion topics for the essay in a summary form. No facts or figures yet. If I were to write the summary introduction for this essay, it would similar to:  
  
*A graph was provided showing the 4 top farming products of Mitchford City. The products, including their selling price in dollars were monitored over the decades from 1970 up to 2000. This essay will present a more detailed analysis of the graph and the information that accompanied it.*  
  
While your grammar is not perfect, it did not pose any stress on the reader. Your information was understandable and a degree of analysis is evident in your work. This is a pretty good attempt at writing a task 1 essay. Save for the missing summary statement, which is a requirement of the essay, you did an acceptable job of writing the body paragraphs though.
Hi jadeatoz,  
  
I have some recommendations to you  
  
"cotton was by far the most important produce". It's better if you change "produce" to "product"  
Regarding relative clauses, you should use "that" instead of "which". You aren't wrong, but it sounds more native.  
...production of sugar, wheat and cotton were equal and tended to decrease since then --> wheat and cotton were equal, and they tended to... You should separate them into two clauses because they are not parallel.
**The question:from the IELTS 10 TEST1,writing task 2**  
  
*Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.  
It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?  
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.*  
  
## Should we punish children? What's your reason?

  
  
Answer:  
It is significant for early age children to distinguish right and wrong.As the description above, it said punishment is essential to help children learn the contrast between right and wrong.  
  
I agree with this opinion.People should punish kids when necessary.There are three reasons to support this view.First, children might make mistakes next time without punishment.The reason to impose a punishment is to warn the children not just to punish.If adults don't punish them, the children won't learn a lesson from this experience. Second,with my experience that I suspected in junior high schools.If students don't get any punishment,they will interrupt others in the class.It will unable teachers to teach other students.Third,sometimes children don't own correct perspectives, therefore, punishment is set to get rid of their wrong behavior or thoughts.  
  
From my perspective, the physical punishment is not allowed to give to children,because it will hurt their body and mental state.With my experience, parents and teachers need to let children understand the exact reason why they are banished.Hence,I side with the punishment which can deprive of their freedom or rights temporarily.Such as being grounded,a timeout.By means of these punishment,children can respect themselves also follow the rules.In conclusion,I am in favour of appropriate punishments instead of complete punishment.
I think there are several mistakes that i can point out for you.  
Firstly, you haven't stated your opinion clearly in the introduction, thus, you may lose points in terms of task completion . My advice is to show your agreement or disagreement at the beginning of your essay.  
  
Secondly, you should follow the construction of a proper essay which includes the opening, the 2 paragraphs containing your ideas and illustration to your answer and the conclusion in which you will summarize the discussion and rewrite your opinion.  
  
Thirdly,there are problems with your end marks, you should know where to put them and should not use them when the sentence itself is not fully meaningful . Not to mention your sentence is quite short sometimes due to the misuse of your end marks. You can try to combine the 2 short sentences into a lengthy one. This not only helps you practice linking words and ideas but also makes your essay more concise and fluent.  
  
Cheer.
Ethel, your task accuracy score for this essay will come down to a 3. That will also translate into the final score for your essay because of the inadequacies of your presentation. Your first problem, is that you did not properly paraphrase the prompt. The first paragraph always requires the test take to prove his English comprehension and writing skills by properly restating the topic for discussion, type of discussion, and transition sentence at the end of it. It is always assumed that the examiner will not have access to the question you were given to discuss so you will need to present your own understanding of those required elements prior to your full discussion in the body paragraphs.  
  
Your discussion will score a 3 in terms of cohesiveness and coherence as well. That is based upon the fact that you did not properly develop your reasoning process per paragraph. In this instance, one discussion your opinion required one paragraph. One discussion, in a separate paragraph of your personal experience was also required. By discussing the ideas in the same paragraph, you did not properly transition the discussion so you ended up creating a confusing paragraph instead. It was confusing because your explanations lacked relevance and did not relate to each other. That is why individual paragraphs need to be assigned in this instance.  
  
The biggest problem of your essay at this point relate to the opening statement and conclusion. I already explained the problem of the opening statement to you. The problem with your conclusion, simply put, is that you do not have one. There is no proper summation of the discussion at the end which would have required a recapitulation of the previous discussion, personal experience, and grounding method. The conclusion is as important as the opening statement as this also relates to your task accuracy score.
Hello everyone, could you please help me correct my writing task 2 on the following topic. Thank you.  
Topic:  
**Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on your personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life. Which do you consider to be the major influence?**  
  
## impact of the environment we were born

  
  
Answer:  
The idea of nature-versus-nurture has long been debated, with no conclusive conclusion. Some studies have suggested that no nexus exists between genes and behaviour patterns while other research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on your personality and development than their life. This essay is to discuss these two schools of thoughts, with some facts being closely examined.  
  
There is no denying the fact that genetics plays a large role in the determining a person's character. Nativists take the position that all or most behaviours and characteristics are results of inheritance. Genetic traits handed down from parents influence the individual difference that makes each person unique. For example, researchers found that identical twins were twice as likely as non-identical twins to share the same personality traits, suggesting that their DNA was having the greatest impact.  
  
By contrast, some experts now argue that our genetic inheritance has virtually nothing to do with our personalities. They believe that a child's behaviour signals the accumulative effect of the environment where they grow up. Studies show that many young criminals come from problem families who have a history of violence and crime. Without good job prospects, they end up finding solace in gangs. Another example to show parent's effect on their child's behaviour that children with fine upbringing normally show their courtesy and professional etiquettes in coping with real-life problems, similarly, offspring of nurturing mother tended to be less anxious than those of more lackadaisical mother.  
  
To sum up, people are made by both learned and born traits. There is no need to reach a conclusion that either environment or nature plays a decisive part in one's character and behaviour development. Although the effect of genetic heredity is overt, one can not afford to ignore that of environment where a child is nurtured.  
  
(305 words)
Tham, you did not clearly understand the prompt requirements. You were being asked to discuss only your single opinion in relation to the statement made in the original discussion Here is a sample of a more appropriate paraphrase:  
  
*People are born with characteristics that researchers believe influence their development as a person. Researchers say that being born with the character traits has a major influence on the personality of an individual more than his life experiences. As with the opinion of these researchers, I believe that there is a single major influence that helps to dictate the personality and development of the person. Through this essay, I will be discussing what that major influence is and why I consider that to be the single, most important influence in a person's personality development.*  
  
From that point, your next 3 paragraphs should have introduced your choice of influence and explained it's basis. The basis could have been explained in 2 separate paragraphs that represent the public perception that influenced your opinion and your personal experience. It would have resulted in a sound representation of the original prompt requirements along with your concluding summary statement at the end.  
  
The way that you discussed the whole essay is not in accordance with the prompt instructions and expectations. I am sorry to tell you that, in my opinion, the work that you did would not have passed in an actual test setting due to the misunderstanding that you had of the prompt requirement. This was solely a personal opinion paper and you discussed a general statement instead. That is where your main mistake, and where the failure of the total essay lies.
*The maps below show changes in the town of Youngsville in New Zealand from 1980 to 2005.  
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.  
Write at least 150 words.*  
  
## in 2005 Youngsville is a different town than it was in 1980

  
  
The maps illustrate development in the coastal town of Youngsville in New Zealand during the period from 1980 to 2005.  
  
The most obvious change is that the town has undergone significant modernisation. A lot of trees and houses have been removed to spare space for constructing new buildings and facilities.  
  
In 1980, trees were everywhere and the main type of building was house. Trees were located mainly alongside the River Alanah while houses were concentrated nearby the coast. There were only some basic facilities including hospital, school, railway station and airport. Basically, the town was a pure residential area.  
  
In contrast, various kinds of construction have been developed over the 25-year period. Trees and small houses have been replaced by new stadium, factories, warehouse and skyscrapers. Some houses have even been demolished for new railway. In addition, transportation has been more convenient due to the existence of extended railway and new marina. (152 words)  
  
*
Peter, it is always best to combine the observations that you made, along with the instructions for the discussion in the first paragraph of the essay in order to secure the highest possible task accuracy score. For example, you could have presented this opening statement as follows:  
  
*A map for the town of Youngsville in New Zealand covering the years from 1980 - 2005 was presented for analysis. Overall, the town showed continuous improvement to its infrastructure and open spaces throughout this time period. This essay will summarize these improvements and offer comparisons of changes whenever indicated for the reader's benefit.*  
  
You will probably notice that my summary accomplishes a number of tasks, namely;  
1. Introduce the image supplied  
2. Introduce the purpose of the image  
3. Briefly explain my observations of the map provided (trend)  
4. Outline the upcoming discussion  
  
The aforementioned topic sentences comprise the total summary introduction. I always ask that the students present the summary at the start of the essay because it makes more sense to depict the discussion beforehand as opposed to summarizing after, which makes it more difficult to choose what information you will sum up at the end. With a 3-5 sentence requirement, doing the outline earlier just makes more sense and is easier to accomplish. This also gives you, as the exam taker, a clear guide as to how to develop your essay.  
  
Using my version of the summarized prompt, you would have scored better because you would not need the filler statement in the middle that was only 2 sentences long. Always write 3 sentences within 3-5 paragraphs. For this type of essay, writing 4 paragraphs will be sufficient enough to get you a decent score. The conclusion paragraph is optional in a task 1 essay anyway.
Hi Kellie, you have done a very good job on this essay. It is really informative and your intention to help others who were in a similar situation to yours is highly evident. However, I found that your opening statement was not as interesting as the rest of the essay because you opened it immediately with a statement of facts. That type of presentation is not very interesting for the reader. Perhaps you would want to consider reversing the presentation of the opening statement by first telling your story and then stating the facts in the second paragraph instead. I was really hooked by your story and how it relates to the information you provided. I also think that the essay can be even more interesting if you scatter references to your personal experience in relation to the research that you came across and agree or disagree with. This will allow your essay to have an in-depth analysis of the considerations, effects, and solutions possible when it comes to substance addiction. Good work. I know your peers will be very interested to carry on this discussion with you in the actual class setting.
Kebing, I am confused here. The title of your essay indicates that the reader is supposed to expect a story outline / discussion of an independent film idea that you wish to make. It does not tell the reader that you are going to give the meaning of an independent film on a personal basis. Kindly consider changing the title of your essay from the current one to something more appropriate such as "What an independent film means to me" or something more similar to what you have written. Remember, when your title is inappropriate for your essay, you will receive a lower score because you are thought to have misled the reader.  
  
In order to expand this essay, you can separate the reasons why you believe an indie film is the best film making method for a first time director. After all, you said that you believed there are several reasons. However, you only discuss one reason. You can discuss 2 reasons in 2 separate paragraphs in this instance in order to fully develop the discussion and achieve the word count. You should also expand upon the concluding statement that you wrote because it doesn't really sum up the discussion in the best manner. Do your best to develop a more interesting concluding statement for your essay. These two suggestions, if developed properly on your end will result in the word count being met.
*Topic: **Many countries are trying to improve the standard of living through economic development. However, some people think that traditional values are lost as a result of this. To what extent do you agree or disagree?***  
  
## traditional ways of life have been lost

  
  
Economic growth is likely to contribute to a thriving business in a country. While some people argue that economic developments lead to the loss of traditional cultures, personally I completely disagree with this point of view.  
  
It might be reasonable that authorities are trying their best to foster their country's economy in order that their basic needs have been improved. To begin with, they allow foreign companies to build industries in their country to provide more employment opportunities for native people. Furthermore, overseas companies are also able to cooperate with local businessman. As a result, many products in their country can be exported to foreign nations, helping their country's status on a global stage in terms of trading power. Lastly, their citizens can receive excellent pay packages from corporations due to the increase of companies' profits, which can help them improve their living standard.  
  
However, I believe that traditional values seem to be unaffected by boosting the country's economy. On the contrary, this is likely to maintain and develop traditional factors. To give just one example, today Vietnam has many traditional handicraft villages to meet their own needs but several households that create handicraft works have changed their jobs due to low revenues. Fortunately, their skillful products have been known by foreign enterprises and therefore have sold in many different countries around the world. Local people have turned back their careers and have continued to create sophisticated handicrafts.  
  
On the whole, it seems to me that traditional ways of life have been lost as a result of economic developments. By contrast, it can be considered as an important factor to preserve the traditions and customs of their own cultures.  
  
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This is the first time I have posted my essay on this website. I have taken part in IELTS tests many times but I haven't reached 6.5 score. I was totally upset and I hope everyone can help me correct my essay to improve my writing skills. Really thank you so much
Trinh, I believe that the main reason that you were unable to pass your test before is because of your improper prompt representation in the opening / paraphrasing statement. You failed to use keywords from the original prompt that would have kept your discussion in line with the original presentation. An example of a proper paraphrase for this essay is :  
  
*Countries have been trying to improve the standard of living of its people through the development of the country's economy. The problem, is that some people believe that this sort of improvement leads to the loss of traditional values. I tend to disagree with this point of view for several reasons that I will be presenting in this essay.*  
  
If you compare my paraphrasing with what you wrote, you will notice that there is a prompt deviation and misrepresentation in the one that you wrote. Additionally, you totally added your personal opinion as a factual discussion which should not have been done. You should have merely outlined the discussion points and then represented whether you agree or disagree with the statement. Remember, in an "or" situation, you pick one side to discuss and develop the body paragraphs around that point of view. You did not do that in this case. You chose to discuss both points of view instead. That shows a lack of understanding of the prompt requirements, which led to your low score in the actual exam. You need to be able to tell the difference between an opinion essay and a compare and contrast essay. In this case, the "or" indication meant that this was solely an opinion essay.
*Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.*  
  
## different progress values

  
  
It is crucial for many governments to devote to economic development first, while some individuals believe that other kinds of progress have equal values. My view is that governments cannot develop economy without paying attention to some other aspects such as environmental protection and public education.  
  
Some governments may believe that high-level economic achievement can be a foundation of other types of development. First of all, there will be increasing funding in the construction of basic facilities. As a result, more schools and hospitals can be built in communities so that it will be more available for children to receive education and for patients to see the doctor. Besides, a stable growth of economy can provide more job opportunities and higher salaries for employers, with which people will live in a rich and comfortable life.  
  
However, it is too narrow to focus on economic progress only. Some people suggest that governments should devote equally to other areas. For example, environmental protection is one thing that cannot be ignored at any moment. Once there is air pollution, habitat destruction or extinction of wild animals, it will be hard to solve those problems and money may be useless. The education of legal and moral principles is important in the same way. If people become rich but violate the laws and rules according to their own wills, the stability and safety of the whole society can no longer exist.  
  
In conclusion, it is worthwhile to develop economy so that more funding can be provided to the government and people earn more money to live a better life. However, I believe that other aspects play important roles in the society as well, so they should be paid more attention to and developed equally.  
  
--  
Thanks for reading my essay!  
I am not very sure about the point in the third graph and I really look for your suggestion. Thank you!
Zhou, it is unacceptable for you to present your point of view in the opening statement. That is not allowed because the opening statement is only supposed to serve as the topic outline for the forthcoming body paragraph discussions. No information may be presented there because the examiner will be looking for task accuracy as well as cohesiveness and cohesion in the presentation. The latter cannot be developed in the first paragraph due to the limited sentence allotment.  
  
It is important that you limit your ideas to one discussion per paragraph in order to gain a better overall score. In your first paragraph, the presentation of the discussion is not smooth because you first discuss funding for public facilities then suddenly, you discuss work, salary, and employment towards the end. There are 3 ideas being discussed in a single paragraph, which represents a lack of coherence and cohesiveness in your discussion. This is a trait that is constant in all the paragraphs you created. Including your conclusion.  
  
Going back to your opening statement, please present one point of view as a separate sentence. This will help you to meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement and also show your task accuracy skills and English comprehension skills. Your concluding statement should represent the reverse of the opening statement. Meaning, it should summarize the discussion as you presented it in the essay instead of the original paraphrased prompt.