Fitri, the main problems that you are facing in this essay are a lack of proper presentation and discussion development in the opening paraphrase, personal opinion, and closing summary. These are the reasons why you essay was rendered weak, lacking in information, and would, in an overall context, struggle to gain good scores in all 4 scoring criteria.  
  
If you examine the opening statement that you wrote, you will note that is is a 2 sentence-run on. This runs counter to the minimum 3 sentence requirement for all the paragraphs. In order to gain an acceptable scoring consideration, write 3 sentences, for full scoring consideration, write 5 sentences per paragraph. In this instance, you should have divided the opening statement into 3 parts namely;  
  
1. Topic for discussion  
2. Reason for discussion  
3. Discussion instruction  
  
It should have looked something like this:  
  
*There is a question these days as to the importance of Art as a school subject. While one educational sector believes this is an essential part of academic learning, the other educators believe that the time spent learning arts can be used on more useful subjects. In consideration of both discussions, this essay will examine each point of view. After which, I will be presenting my personal discussion regarding the topic.*  
  
You must expand your presentation as best as you can so that you can accurately display your written communication abilities. The examiner will be looking for evidence of English comprehension skills, strong vocabulary, and a clear discussion outline. That is what my sample opening statement represents. That is what you should aim for in your own presentation.  
  
In your second paragraph, you should be using present tenses in the presentation it is an ongoing discussion. Therefore, you should have said *"... those who support art BELIEVE that art will play...* Remember, you have to review what you have written before you submit the test for a score. Make sure to read each sentence and try to understand it. If you feel confused about a sentence, as this example shows, then you must rewrite it until you understand it. After all, if you cannot understand what you wrote, that is a sure indicator the examiner won't understand it either.  
  
By the way the term is "other subjects" not "others subject". Be careful of those tricky plural presentations. Again, the present tense problem in the paragraph is strongly evident in the paragraph. You have to review your tense usage rules. These essays are normally written in present tense while the task 1 essays are always written in past tense.  
  
I am not sure if we were told this by your tutor but the personal opinion is the most important part of this essay because your opinion will be supporting a particular point of view in the essay. The purpose of presenting the writer's opinion is to persuade the examiner that the second point of view and your supporting statement is the right opinion to accept in this essay.  
  
There are no right or wrong answers in these types of essays. However, being able to persuade a reader to your side will indicate that you have a strong command of the English language. Strong enough to make you confident to declare a personal point of view in a matter of fact manner in the essay. So it has to be a full 5 sentences, if possible.  
  
Your concluding paragraph should have reminded the reader about the 2 points of view before you present your personal opinion. That paragraph in this essay can be made stronger if approached in a complete manner. The closing paragraph you wrote has potential. It just requires development.