dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
***The world of work is changing rapidly. Working conditions today are not the same as before and people no longer rely on taking one job for life. Discuss the possible cause for these changes and give your suggestion which can be taken in the future?***  
  
It is been so popular for people prioritize more than one job in this globalization era. The higher living cost is the main cause of this trend, and I myself believe that the workable solutions to address this issue are becoming different lifestyle and behaving towards this condition.  
  
A human basic need which costs higher every single day is the reason why the workers try to find other jobs to fulfill their life. The primary need that is so crucial to be completed, then secondary and tertiary need that also support people to be hard workers, thus to comply all their necessities and to satisfy their family. These conditions make the employee thinks that rely on one job will never be enough, moreover when they have married and have many children with different needs. The increase of financial support of people surely becomes the possible effect of the work world changing totally different than in the past.  
  
The life style that always encourages people to follow the trend should be decreased since following other people's lifestyle is wasting time and wasting money. In the very common case, when the up to date cell phone is launched, we always dream to have it although we know that our phone now is still perfect to be used. By changing our life to be far from luxury surely will help them to fulfill our primary need. The other solution that can be taken is being accustomed with the changing of the work world that rely on more than one job. The steps that we can do to get used it are being thrift for the gradual expenditure and being behave to spend our time focus on more than one jobs. When people had undergone with the condition of having more than one job, they will be comfortable with it since the have been a part of it.  
  
In conclusion, the increase of living cost supports people to take more than one job to fulfill their need and I firmly believe that the workable solutions for this changing are being unpretentious people and being accustomed of prioritizing more tow or more jobs.
Dear cacha, here are some advices for your writing, feel free to correct me if I get wrong corrections,  
  
A human basic need which costs higher every single day -->  
*A cost of human basic need which is getting higher every single day*  
  
These conditions make the employee thinks that ... -->  
*These conditions influence the employee to think that relying on one job will never be enough, while the situation is more demanding if they have already married and have many children that have different needs*  
  
the increase of living cost supports people to ... -->  
*the increase of living cost encourage people to take more than one job so that they can fulfill their needs. Besides, I firmly believe that the workable solutions for this changing are being unpretentious people and being accustomed of prioritizing more tow or more jobs.*  
  
hope it helps you to improve your writing,  
  
Regards
Hi Caca!  
  
Paragraph 1 :  
I ~~myself~~ believe that the workable solutions to address this issue...  
  
When you state "becoming different lifestyle and behaving towards this condition." in your overview, that is mean you will write about it in the second and third paragraph. Unfortunately, I could not find it in your essay.  
  
Body paragraph :  
I think it is better for you to give examples in your body paragraph about your idea.  
  
Overall, I like the spirit which you try to develop your idea clearly in a simple word and phrase.  
  
Good Luck!
***Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.***  
  
Nowadays, many pupils become careless for keeping fit their own body. This is shown by some statistics that displays the increasing number of children that have diseases. As a result, I agree that it is important for schools and parents to care with this problem.  
  
There are two main factors that usually makes children have unwell condition. First is their food consumption. On one hand, they like to spend their money for trying such as a tasty food without look at the hygiene, cleanness, and ingredients aspect. To solve that, schools and parents must work together. While the father and mother give pupils advice in the home, the teacher should control it when they at school, for not buying food anywhere. For instance, some food that usually sold outside the school is dirty, even though they still buy it. So, teachers must keep eye to them. If the students obey the advice and the teacher not care, they will get disease too.  
  
Secondly is the sport habit. It is very important because the development of technology make people doing only a few exercises and feel harm in their muscle. This problem not only occur in the older generation, but also in many children, proven with a lot of children already have smart phone that make all time of their day busy. For example, although school usually already have sport lesson every week, but it is not enough to control it alone without any help from parents, because children spend many time in home. In Sunday or when holiday, father and mother can ask to their children for accompanying them jogging, playing badminton, or the other sport.  
  
All in all, both school and parents have the similar degree of responsibilities to take care children health. In addition, it is better if parents and schools build intensive communication especially for children's health. So, they will help each other for avoiding pupils from unhealthy lifestyle.
For instance, some food that usually sold [...] teacher not care, they will get disease too.  
You started to use 'one idea paragraph' on your essay. please add an effect from the reason/example before the conclusion  
  
So, teachers must keep eye to them.  
a little correction do not forget to put an article before noun phrase --> keep an eye  
keep an eye to them --> to is not a proper preposition you should add keep an eye on them  
  
... already have smart phone that ~~make~~**makes** all time of their day busy.  
smartphone is singular right?  
  
because children spend ~~many~~**much** time in home.  
time is uncountable  
  
please kindly check on my essay faiz :):)
Hi Faiz! Let me give some advise for you. :)  
  
Body Paragraph :  
As far as I can see, your idea only focus to solve the problems and give example using parents and schools. I think you should state on your idea including the parents or teachers, then give examples related to it.  
  
Or, you can only focus on one problem, then expand it to how the parents should do in the second paragraph, while put the school in the third paragraph. So, your idea should combine both in the problems and how to solve this.  
  
Overall :  
For conclusion, it is better for you not to add some information, and just focus on paraphrasing your idea from paragraph 1 and 2.  
  
Note : I like your essay, because it is really easy to read and understand. I hope you will get the score you wanted.  
  
Keep spirit!
Hi Fai,  
  
This is shown by some statisticsfigures that displays (...) that ~~have~~suffer from diseases.  
While the fatherS and motherS give pupils (...) when they are at school, for ...  
For instance, some foodS that usually ~~sold~~sell outside the school is dirty, e~~ven though~~but they still buy it.  
... and the teacherdo not care, they ...  
  
... because children spend ~~many~~much time in home.  
  
All in all, both schoolS and parents ...  
  
- You need to make your thesis statement more specific by giving the reasons.  
- There are no coherence between essay and the question. Understand the question first so you can answer it clearly.  
Hopefully it helps.
Hello, Faiz :)  
*The prompt asks "do you agree if schools and parents are responsible for solving the unhealthy lifestyle?", doesn't it?  
But, as far as I am concerned, you give more explanations about the unhealthy lifestyle of children recently, instead of the role of parents and schools.  
  
Also, I notice you put additional background in your introduction paragraph,  
"This is shown by some statistics that displays the increasing number of children that have diseases".  
In this case, if you add other information, you should explain it in the following paragraphs.*  
  
Despite of this problem, here are some corrections for the second paragraph:  
  
... that usually make~~s~~ children have unwell condition. Firstly,it is due to their food consumption.  
... spend their money ~~for~~on trying such ~~as~~ a tasty food ~~without look at~~regardless the hygiene, cleanness, and ingredients aspects .  
While ~~the~~ father and mother give pupils ...  
..., some food ~~that usually~~ sold outside the school is dirty, ~~even though~~but they still buy it.  
  
*Note:  
- pay more attention to subject verb agreement  
ensure that each sentence has correct structure  
- punctuation  
- several words have their certain collocation: spend on  
- countable and uncountable noun  
- using of article*
**Can you give me all your suggestions about this essay and the average score, please.**  
  
It is a well-known fact that in many countries children are hired in paid work. Some people consider this as completely correct, while the others regard this as a valuable work experience, significant for learning and taking responsibilities. As such, it is worth asking if children should be employed. Personally, I think they should.  
  
On the one hand, work influences well on the younger generation, because it helps them to be adapted to their adulthood. Moreover, children become more self-confident and independent. For instance, John Rockefeller started work at the age of seven. John was selling turkeys and at the end of his life he earned 336 billion dollars (inflation-adjusted). To sum up, work can make child's character and develop his capabilities.  
  
On the other hand, many people hold the opinion that juvenile labour causes only negative things. These include an increased high school dropout rate, drug and alcohol abuse. Employers, however, are the only one who benefits from hiring an under-aged person, enjoying a cheap and effective labour. They also opine that employment of children is always dangerous and harmful for the next generations. Because of child labour, minors will fail to get proper education and they will feel the lack of children's activities.  
  
Eventually, work brings much more positive experience however it is more useful when the working experience is accompanied by the college or university studies.  
  
*
Hi Maxim, I believe that this could have the potential to gain a band score of 6. It offers a somewhat coherent discussion of the essay and presents appropriate evidence, even though that evidence may not be the most up to date information that could be presented. I did find a number of flaws in your essay though.  
  
Let's take a look at the introduction first. Though you presented both sides of the argument, you did not clearly state your opinion. You sounded off an agreement in the sentence but did not reflect what you were agree to. Was it the pro or the con? When developing your opening statement, keep in mind that you need to clearly indicate your response to the prompt (when required) as a personal opinion as it is an integral part of the essay discussion.  
  
Next, your use of John Rockefeller as an example is good since he founded one of the richest families in America. However, he is too historical for the pop culture crowd. Try to present examples from the current era in order to make a connection with the reader and show that you understand the applications of the prompt to modern times.  
  
Since your opinion was asked for, you should have had an extra paragraph in there that discussed your personal opinion, based upon your personal information or beliefs. The lack of that discussion showed that you did not completely understand the prompt requirements and therefore, affected the final score.  
  
Your conclusion is also flawed as you presented a single thought process as a single sentence when the required paragraph number is 3 -5. Had you managed to follow the instructions more completely, you would have gotten a higher score.
It is ~~a~~~~well-known fact~~ generally known that in ...  
  
... as completely correct~~,~~ while the others regard this ...  
  
As such, it is worth asking if children should be employed. Personally, I think they should. => It is hard to understand  
  
~~On the one hand,~~ work influences well on the younger generation~~,~~ because it helps ...  
  
Moreover, children become more ~~self-confident~~confident and independent. For instance, John Rockefeller started to work at ...  
  
To sum up, work can make child's characterhelp to build character on children and develop ~~his~~their capabilities.
**Some parents think that childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre-school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better cares for their kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.**  
  
Busy parents say that it is the best way to take care kids in child care center, while others prefer to let their family members to nurse their children. In child care center, child expertise help in nursing their children with guarantee of their services, while the family attachment from family members has big impact on children closeness to their parents later which I believe is the most consideration aspect among all.  
  
It is known that child care centers are the place where pediatrics, nurses and child psychologist gather together to provide services to nurse children, by assuring their food consumption, learn method based on their ages and sleeping comfort. The reason why they need to be trusted as they are facilitated by that expertise in child management and have refunded system if parents are not happy. The Child Care Management of Australia government released list of child care providers which are already registered according to high quality standard, stated that 97% of child care center in Australia already meet the requirements. Furthermore, it also stated that 90% of parents already feel passionate with child care management. It is undoubted that child care center has capability of replacing the position of parents in taking care children.  
  
On the other hand, the interaction between children and family is strongly suggested as the children is developed sense of security towards their relatives. This is an urgent decision need to be taken by parents as soon as they aware of less intimacy with their children, which later influence children to feel abandonees by their parents. Besides, the child care providers cannot provide that attachment to the children as strong as family do. The professor from University of Chicago told that most of cases why children turn to have bad records in their future life was because they have lack of attachment towards families who put their children in child care services during their childhoods. Then, the psychologist from Harvard proved the research again and get almost 75% of robberies, terrorist and murderers were lonely in their childhood days. By this fact, it is clear that children feel insecure towards family and need rather to be cared by them than by child providers  
  
In conclusion, child care center has insurance to take care of children by providing child expertise to look after them, while family bonding between children and parents are stronger if family members care about them when their parents are at work. It is best if family members become the chosen one who take care children so that when they grow up, they recognize and feel friendly as well as secure with them.
Hi Fadhil !  
Overall, your arranged a good essay! I love to read it!  
Let me give some advice for you. :)  
  
Paragraph 1 :  
For conclusion, I think you need to add why you support the idea. You can paraphrase it from the body paragraph.  
  
Paragraph 3 :  
This example do not related with the previous idea which focus on family  
Then, the psychologist from Harvard proved the research again and get almost 75% of robberies, terrorist and murderers were lonely in their childhood days.  
  
Suggestion for the example : As for me, I tend to use an example about how successful children who cared by their grandparents. Rather than use less success example about second paragraph.  
  
Good luck!
**The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead.  
  
To what extent do you agree or disagree**  
  
Nowadays, technology develop for all of aspects, especially media. All of kind of media is used for entertainment and share information. Now, media is more presenting about celebrities' lifestyle than others. Besides that, media must give more information about citizen in the country. I totally disagree because I believe that the most essential is media which should report about government in the country.  
  
Celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers become a role model for young people in the world. Such as group band one direction. Many teenagers who have the same activity with one direction are very keen on to imitate their favourite group band such as what they wear to perform. It has negative and positive effect to the young people. So, media have to report about celebrities lifestyle because it is used to be roll model or it just has entertainment value for people who follow the media, such as television programmes or magazine.  
  
However, media should give much information about citizen. Because their development is essential to know how many progress of country. For example, media surveyed about people condition after disaster such as earthquake in Pare. It can be used for other people in another place to give donations to help them. Therefore, media is more important to pay too much attention to live and relationship of ordinary people.  
  
In another hand, the most essential is media investigation about the information of government. Because it can help people to know how the governments doing their job for country. For instance, media report about economic news. Hence, society know how the economic requirement exist in their country.  
  
To sum up, reporting lifestyle of celebrities and citizens is more significant, but media must give actual information about government in the country.
~~Nowadays, technology develop for all of aspects, especially media.~~  
  
... the definition of technology is the study and knowledge of) the practical, especially industrial, use of scientific discoveries while the definition of media isthe internet, newspapers, magazines, television, etc., considered as a group  
  
Celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers become a role model ... Such as group band one direction.i think it is better if you make example for every occupation not only for singers.  
  
However, media should give much information about citizen. Because their development is ...  
we can use because in the beginning of a sentence by using( Because S +V, S + V) pattern.  
  
To sum up, reporting lifestyle of celebrities and citizens is more significant, but media ...make conclusion at least two sentences.
Hello, Willy.  
It is a nice thread :)  
However, I have some suggestions for your writing.  
Hopefully, it will be helpful.  
  
Firstly, I am quite confused to follow your essay since you do not mark in paragraph form.  
In the first paragraph, you state that "I totally disagree", but when it comes to your body paragraph, I found you are partially agree in which you discuss the essential of media to cover artists (1st paragraph) and the importance to report the government (2nd paragraph).  
  
I see that you have two idea in the second paragraph, you just need to develop them and give more detailed explanations.  
If you decide to utterly agree, then write your reasons on both paragraphs.  
  
If you want to stay partially agree/disagree, you just need to give more touched in your entire essay, Willy.  
  
**Idea:**Media have to report about celebrities lifestyle, such as famous actors, singers or footballers.  
**Reason:** This is because famous artists are roll model for young people in the world.  
**Example:** Taking an example of One Direction, a famous Western boy band, who was admired by many teenagers. Their fans are very keen on to imitate their favourite group band, such as what they wear to perform and their creativity to compose songs.  
  
**Result:** This results in a number of their fans hard work in sharpening their talent in order to be the famous one.  
  
Avoid to say It has negative and positive effect to the young people, go straight to mention the effects.  
The more detailed your argument, the higher your score. :)
it is should be better if you divided your essay into 4 paragraph  
  
here is my revision of your essay  
  
Nowadays, technology ~~develop~~ has developed ~~for all of~~in all aspects, especially ~~media~~in the information technology .  
  
All of kind of media is used ~~for~~to~~entertainment~~entertain and share information. Now, media is ~~presenting~~more likely to present about celebrities' ...  
  
... citizen in the country. I totally disagree[disagree about what?]  
  
because I believe that the most essential is media which should report about government in the country.  
=> i cannot find your idea in this sentence  
  
you should more careful to build such complex and compound sentence
Hi Wily,  
  
Here's my analysis towards your writing. I hope you can follow through.  
  
1st paragraph:  
- Nowadays, technology developS~~for all of~~in all aspects, especially media.  
- All of kind of media ~~is~~are mostly used for ~~entertainment~~entertaining and sharing~~share~~ information.  
- Now, media is more likely to show the news~~presenting~~ about celebrities' lifestyle than anyother important news .  
- ~~Besides that~~However , media must give more ...  
- ... believe that the most essential role of the media is to deliver accurate news related to the local and ordinary or perhaps inspiring people in the country.~~is media which should report about government in the country.~~  
  
As I can see Wily, your sentences somehow are quite confusing. My suggestion is that you need to double-check your sentences in order to make sure that you were composing the right structure. I hope this would be helpful towards your future practices. Good luck :)
Hi Wily,  
  
Nowadays, technology isdeveloped~~for~~in all ~~of~~ aspects, especially in media.  
... celebrities' lifestyle than ~~others~~ordinary people .  
  
For example, media held a survey~~ed~~ about people ...  
~~In another~~On the other hand, the most essential is ...  
To sum up, reportingthe lifestyle of celebrities ...  
- I think you need to make your thesis statement more specific.  
- your first and second body do not answer the prompt well. In the third body you should explain why media should report ordinary people not about a risk of disaster in people. Catastrophe will affect all people, celebrities and ordinary people so you can't use that reason to explain body paragraph 2.  
  
Hopefully it help.