dim/essayforum_raw_writing_10k huggingface dataset:
Are you sure you have the right prompt for this essay? It seems to me that you just made up the prompt for the topic because the A/D essay never asks you to offer a personal opinion as part of the discussion. I wish you had posted the original prompt along with your essay so that I could have a better idea of how the format of your response was really supposed to go. Like I said, there is some confusion as to the discussion format for your essay at this point. Without the original prompt I cannot precisely review your paraphrase, response, and discussion paragraphs. Anyway, I will leave those sections alone and just review your essay for grammar requirements instead. You should remember to post the complete prompt into the text box next time, before you post your essay.  
  
Based on the 40 minutes allotted for this task, I do not feel comfortable seeing you write more than 290 words for this essay. That tells me that you focused more on length than the quality of the writing. As I reviewed your essay, I saw that I was right. You were focused more on increasing your LR score more than anything else. Let me tell you now, an unusual focus on your LR presentation, along with the word count, will never assure you of a high scoring essay. Your sentence formations are problematic and the word choices, in certain instances, do not feel natural. It seems forcibly used in the discussion half the time.  
  
You have a tendency to use memorized phrases such as "over and over". Such is an overused phrase that does not truly reflect your language abilities nor your writing capabilities. You should look into using more natural sounding words that are not part of the memorized or over used phrases list for the test.  
  
Both the prompt paraphrase (first paragraph) and the concluding paraphrase (last paragraph) should contain at least 3 sentences covering a summary of the information from the original prompt (first paragraph), while the last paragraph should show your discussion and concluding summary (reasoning paragraph topics and restatement of your opinion). This will allow you to show your ability to restate information in 2 different, but still relevant ways, to your reader.  
  
I'll give you a more focused review with your next practice test. Just remember to post the original discussion topic / prompt so I can do that. Thanks.
## Causes and solution for the rise of criminal activity

  
  
**Each year, the crime rate increases. What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?  
  
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.**  
  
In the recent past, the issue of the increasing crime rate has presented itself as a vital challenge in this day and age. This essay will examine the main causes of the rising crime level and possible solutions to this problem.  
  
The two main causes of the upward trend of crime are the thrive of nationalism and the deteriorating living conditions of impoverished people. Some people might have more stereotypes and biases while confronting another foreign culture due to globalization. Instead of respecting, they attempt to insult and even attack others which are viewed as villainous enemies to their race or nation. For instance, it is reported that there is an increasing number of immigrants from the Middle East are under attack by residents in East Germany. Also, the worsen circumstances make poor people have no choice but to commit the crime to live on. More inhabitants, for example, who live in slums in Africa help smugglers to traffic drugs and illegal weapons to maintain their livelihood. Because of these aforementioned causes, the crime level keeps going up.  
  
Several possible solutions to this problem are offering multiple courses about learning other cultures and improving social welfare policies. By providing multicultural courses such as how to cook Syrian traditional cousins or sharing various institutions from Mexico, we could replace xenophobia with respect and empathy in people's mind. Moreover, the next step in fighting rising crime percentage is passing more bills to improve social welfare such as providing employment guaranty, extra allowance, and job insurance. This way, governments could improve the living environment for people in need and retard the steady growth of crime effectively.  
  
In conclusion, the spread of nationalism and degenerating living circumstances of the needy contribute to an upward trend in criminal activity. However, we can significantly lessen this problem by providing multicultural courses and legislating more social policies to help impoverished people.  
  
**Hello Mr. Holt, if possible, I would like to know what brand I might score now in task 2 and the mistakes that I should avoid in this task or some problems about my writing skills that may cut down my total score. Thank you.**
Your essay is not focused on a a discussion regarding the reasons why the crime rate is increasing and how it can be resolved, You were perhaps influenced by the events occurring in the United States these days which related to racism and racial discrimination, which are totally different from regular crimes, which the essay was trying to have you discuss. Your essay focused on the racial aspects of crime rather than the regular reasons for crime such as poverty, lack of education, joblessness, etc. So I am sorry but, your essay did not discuss the correct topic as based on the prompt requirement. It is totally incorrect in discussion format. Your misunderstood the term "crime rate". You got it confused with racial issues, which has been causing discord in America and other parts of the world these days. So this essay is not going to get a passing score. It did not come near the proper discussion qualifications for the given topic. The score for this essay will be 1. The essay was completely unrelated to the task.
## Food culture differences between uk and vietnam

  
  
**Compare one aspect/part of British culture with the same one from your own culture. Give your opinion on both.**  
  
Through from the traditional eastern to the modern western world, it always exists numberless differences and a little in common across countries such as the culture, politics, people's personality... One of them is the food culture of Britain and Vietnam. In my opinion, there are two visible differences, namely the favourite food and eating utensil; and an example for the similarity is enjoying tea.  
  
The first difference is favourite foods eaten in repasts of the British and Vietnamese. In most of Vietnamese meals, from breakfasts to dinners, rice or products made from rice are the main foods and always appear among them. The reason for it, Vietnam is age-old agricultural country, so rice is an indispensable part of meals as well as Vietnamese life. Moreover, the main meals have to have a vegetable soup bowl, together with a fried or braised meat dish providing the necessary protein and fiber for the purpose of balancing nutrients. On the other hand, there are only a number of foods containing starches in British meals because the rates of obesity of Britain is the most in Europe and has been ever-increasing in recent days. They often have breakfast with toast, jam, cereal with milk... in morning; and for several centuries, British main meals has often based around what commonly called "meat and two veg" to control their weight and health. In brief, there are many food differences between Britain and Vietnam.  
  
The second difference is the tool to eat. The Vietnamese prefer to use chopsticks in most dishes, from liquid dishes to solid dishes. While they are eating and want to show politeness to others, they will reverse the points of the chopsticks to pick up food to others. Differently from Vietnamese, as an early age, British children are taught to use knives and forks properly; Therefore, most British dishes are served with knives and forks. When starting to eat, they often put their fork into the food and use a knife to cut it. When finishing the meal, they will place the knife and fork in the center of the plate, so the waiter knows the meal was over. In short, the Vietnamese and British have their own eating utensil.  
  
A small similarity between the British and Vietnamese is how they enjoy tea. Both of countries have the drinking tea taste and it has shaped for many centuries. They all attach special importance to three things: the good tea, fancy cake, and comfortable space. When including enough three elements above, they have a perfect tea. Through how brewing tea and relishing in a cup of tea, the British and Vietnamese can judge the quality and makings of a person. In sum, enjoying tea is one of the rare resemblances between the British and Vietnamese.  
  
In conclusion, there are numerous distinctions between Britain and Vietnam such as the preferred eats and eating tool. Beside that, there are also several similarities with a typical example is relishing in tea.
The instruction is for you to take one aspect of similarity between British and Vietnamese life, then compare the 2 in your discussion. So, this is supposed to be a 4 paragraph essay covering only 1 comparison point, not several as you presented in this essay. Why do you discuss only one comparison point in this essay? The instruction clearly states:  
  
*Compare **one aspect/part** of British culture with the same one from your own culture.*  
  
The key phrase for the instruction is "one aspect/ part", one, singular. You used several points in the discussion which means you did not understand the homework. In this case, you could have discussed how Vietnamese eat rice as a regular staple with each meal, while the Brits mostly have their meals with bread or potatoes with their meals. Discussing each extensively in individual paragraphs would have been more topic adherent and format compliant for your homework discussion. Or, you could have spoken of how the Vietnamese use chopsticks and the Brits often use a fork and knife for their basic meal set-up. One paragraph each again.  
  
You over discussed in this essay due to your eagerness to comply with the discussion requirements. You did not bother to clarify the discussion instructions since you obviously misunderstood the meaning of "one aspect of British culture with the same from your own culture". So in this case, you used several aspects:  
  
- Food  
- cutlery  
- Staple food  
- Tea  
  
You should have only used one of those topics for the discussion:  
- Meals in relation to food  
- Meals in relation to cutlery  
- Meals in relation to staple food  
- Meals in relation to beverage choice (tea)  
  
Only one of those sub-aspects of the meal should have been discussed in the essay.
## punishment is effective yet unnecessary

  
  
Being parents of our children, there is no doubt that people always want to provide them with the best resources in order to assist them to grow up and acquire knowledge well. When it comes to how to educate them, some people believe that punishment is crucial in their learning journey. From my perspective, however, I do not agree with this opinion.  
  
First, punishment is effective yet unnecessary. People may consider it is beneficial to teach the children distinguish between right and wrong when they are young, and in fact, it does. Nevertheless, children can actually gain the exact same concept without being punished. As a student who has taken several courses about education in college, I have learned many teaching methods utilizing reward instead of punishment. For example, when a student doessomething right, the teacher can give him a candy so that he knows his conduct was fine. On the other hand, if he does something wrong, the teacher can make him notice it simply by removing the reward, which will be a candy in the same context.  
  
Secondly, it may hurt the children and even cause trauma not only physically but mentally if we misuse punishment. Unfortunately, most people were not trained to become a professional teacher, which raises the risk of punishing children in an inappropriate way, making our children afraid of making mistakes, and become too conservative or shy in the future.  
  
In conclusion, I do not agree that punishment is a necessary strategy in terms of teaching children, and it can be replaced by giving rewards, which brings about the same result. In addition, it will be risky for people who are not skilled enough. Therefore, it will be much safer and better to reward more, and punish less.
Your first reasoning paragraph should have discussed your personal opinion with regards to the extent that a child should be punished and how that punishment should be carried out. You are not to speak from the point of view of an educator or a parent, you are to speak from the point of view of a person who has received punishments from both types of people.  
  
Good job on discussing the right and wrong lessons from a teachers point of view. Adding that you took education lessons further highlights the authority and validity of this type of reward and punishment method. That paragraph is the most solid in this discussion.  
  
The lack of personal point of view and the lack of parental punishment discussion are what affected your presentation in a negative way. You should have a 5 paragraph essay that has 3 reasoning discussions. Always count the discussion requirements for the essay. In this case you have:  
  
- personal  
- parental  
- teacher  
  
That means, when you include the introductory and concluding paraphrase, there should be 5 paragraphs completely developed and presented in the discussion.  
  
Your introductory paraphrase is incomplete / incorrect as you did not reference the discussion points properly. You also failed to give an extent response to the question provided in the original prompt. As such, your essay will be seen as not fully developed, not totally representative of the given discussion, and only partly responsive the given discussion points.
Hello @sonic8776  
  
I'm also preparing my IELTS. As a English learner, I think it is a good essay. However, I would like to give you comment with two mistakes that I just found in your essay.  
  
1. You have to use "on the other hand" always with "on the one hand" since you could not separate them.  
  
2. "reward more, and punish less." I think you could also use "reward more, instead of punishment." in your conclusion paragraph.  
  
Good luck,
As you neglected to include the article or full opinion that you are expected to have based your discussion essay on, I will not be able to review your essay based on the GRE scoring considerations. Instead, I will just to a grammar review of your work. If you want a full review of your potential to pass this test, remember to include the discussion instructions next time.  
  
I would like to caution you on focusing on essay length as opposed to essay quality. The longer your essay is, the more mistakes you will tend to make If you can balance your length with your writing quality, that would be great, However, based on my review of your grammar errors, it appears that you should sacrifice some length in exchange for time to perfect your essay content instead. Mid-length and clear essays will always score better than simply long essays.  
  
Incorrect verb form:  
... some scientists had started to proposed... - to propose  
  
Clarity sometimes requires the use of simpler words:  
... what we observed by colliding... - ... we saw by...  
... taking appropriate precautions ... - taking proper precautions  
  
Lack of clarity in presentation:  
Additionally, if we creating out them... - if we are creating them...  
who are going to be responsible for... - who will be responsible...  
  
Avoid using words of uncertainty:  
... this possible dream - this dream...  
  
Do not use contractions in formal writing:  
don't - do not  
  
My more focused review of your work will depend upon your providing the discussion instructions next time. I am limited in reviewing your work when I do not know what the purpose for the writing it.
## Mr. Brand & Mrs. Ramsay

  
  
In a bar one night, Mr. Brand was talking to a workman who told him that the woman sat on the couch, Mrs. Ramsay had Possessed a good deal of fortune. The workman added that Mrs. Ramsay had lived together with her cat in a flat and would often stay at home with her precious pet. Everyday Mr. Brand stood outside Mrs. Ramsay's and was always observing the cat, as the cat usually left and came back the flat at the same time, Mr. Brand found that it had regular habits. He also found out as much as he could about Mrs. Ramsay and leant that the cat meant a lot to her and she would wiling to pay a considerable ransom if the cat was kidnaped.  
  
One evening, as the cat was leaving the block of flats Mr. Brand was waiting in a corner and all of sudden pounced on the cat. The cat turned out to be caught in a cage. He took the cat to his underground garage and kept it 'safe'. During the next three days, he walked past Mrs. Ramsay's flat on several occasions and noticed that she got very anxious about the cat's disappearance. Now that he was sure the plan was going to succeed so he wrote a letter in which included all his demands.
Please remember to provide the writing instructions for your essay next time. It will be difficult for me to provide you with a proper review without knowing what the expectations are for your writing. You should consider that I am here to help you improve your writing skills, but you need to give me the instruments to be able to do that. All I need are the writing instructions to be able to do my job more effectively. I look forward to reading the instructions for your writing exercise next time.  
  
I have to say, the story is interesting but without a proper conclusion. I am not sure why it happened that way. While the second half of the story if gripping in a simple manner, the first part lacks in story development. You properly threshed out the character of Mrs. Ramsay, but you failed to properly develop the character background of Mr. Brand and why he would be interested in kidnapping the cat. Additionally, why would the workman be all too knowing about Mrs. Ramsay? How is he related to the worker? What was the motive for the kidnapping aside from a ransom? There are still too many plot and character development points that need to be addressed in the story telling. Right now, it is a draft that needs a lot of work.
I am not sure if you wrote this for a CBEST test, IELTS task 2, or TOEFL. Please indicate the exam you are preparing for next time so that a more targeted review of your writing can be used in referencing your work. Based on the available time constraints for the English tests, I would have to say that writing 493 words is just way too much. You wrote so many words, which led to a very boring essay to read. Your paragraphs must get to the point quickly due to the time considerations. Do not overwrite. While you will never be scored down for writing too many words, the scoring down happens in the final scoring consideration. Like I said, your essay could have been simpler, easier understood, and more appealing to the reader if you had written directly instead of focusing on showcasing the amount of English words that you know. That does not always help in an exam essay presentation. While the discussion you presented had minimal grammar issues, that does not erase the fact that the grammar errors could have been dealt with if you did some proof reading after writing. The problem is, with the amount of words that you wrote, I doubt you had any time left over to address the editing task for your essay. Overall, good writing. It's pretty solid. However, the reference to painting show that research was involved in this work so I am not sure that the addition of that information would have been good or bad for your final score.
***Some educationalists think that international exchange visit will benefit teenagers at the school.  
## To what extent do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?***  
  
Some educationalists believe that teenagers will get benefits from taking part in international exchange visit. Even though there are some drawbacks when moving abroad in exchanging programs, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.  
  
On the one hand, traveling and staying in other countries will bring some drawbacks when the youth have an exchange visit. There are culture shocks that might affect the quality of the journey if the exchange nation has so different and strange rules in the regular activities or costumes. Weather can also be a problem for those who live in a tropical area to a cooler place.  
  
However, there are more benefits that teenagers can get when attending an exchange visit. One advantage is the ability to have self-development that is necessary for the youth. When teenagers live far from their home country and meet new people in a different environment, they will have a chance to develop their interpersonal skills, problem-solving skills and independent opinions. Furthermore, gaining new knowledge and understanding the culture of another nation is a plus that they cannot learn and really know in their schools. To encourage the youth to take part in these exchange visits, there are many organizations running for this purpose such as AFS Intercultural Programs and AIESEC that focus on developing necessary skills and experiences.  
  
In conclusion, despite some disadvantages when teenagers attend international exchange visits, it is still a good chance for them to develop important skills which are needful for their future and to learn new things. Governments should support these kind of learning to bring back the best results in education.
In the prompt paraphrase, you failed to 2 things. These are:  
- To fully paraphrase the given discussion, without using keywords from the original. Using original words in your version is a cut and paste error.  
- You did not give an extent response to the question posed.  
  
A more appropriate paraphrase + response would have been:  
  
*Academics consider semesters abroad programs to be favorable to the learning of young adults. When certain reasons are considered, it would appear that the advantages of this study swap experience greatly cancels out its disadvantages. This essay will explain two of these reasons.*  
  
As you can see, I totally changed the original reference words while still keeping within the original presentation topic, reason, and response requirement. Remember that when you are asked "To what extent", you need to deliver a measured response such as the one I wrote above. Do not forget that you should also present a minimum of 3 sentences in the paragraphs. That is the requirement for the minimum sentence length.  
  
The first reasoning paragraph is not well developed. It lacks supporting information. It lacks in clarity and conciseness. You need to provide a full development of the discussion based on supporting reasons and examples. The second reason was so under represented that it should not have been included in the paragraph anymore.  
  
You deviated from the discussion topic in the second reasoning paragraph. You were not asked to include a reference to any organizations and yet, that is exactly what you did. Do not include information that was not in the original discussion presentation. If it is not in the original prompt and instruction, do not include it. Prompt deviations will cost you point deductions.  
  
Your concluding paragraph is incorrect. It must only represent 3-5 sentences covering:  
- A new prompt restatement  
- A repetition of your opinion  
- A summary of your reasons  
- A closing sentence  
  
What you did was a continued discussion, which will result in an open ended instead of concluded essay. So the essay will not be properly formatted in terms of concluding information. This will add to the TA points deductions in your final score.