Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1963-04-19
JIM BISHOP:
REPORTER

The non drnker was
Thomas Ferris of Key Bis
cayne. He looks like a quar-
ter's worth of bubble gum
with a smile. Next to him
sat Lou Chester. Heo has a
big happy go-lucky face and
a wallet to match. Mr.. Ches-
Ter is chairman of the board
of General Development
Corp; he is also head OF
something called Seven Arts
which produces motion pic
lures; he also just bought
about 10000 acres Of Grand
Bahama Island, considerably
smaller than Rhode Island,
but with more sandy beaches.
He calls 1t Lucaya, which, as
any Ounce knows, Is Ayacul
spelled backward.
THE THIRD MAN was a
wisp Of old Broadway, q
busted nose in a gray face,
q man who talks fast be-
cause he can't stand one
more interruption. He was
telling jokes. The other two
laughed with their shoulders.
Chester had charted a plane
to look at his 100000 acres
Of sand dunes on the edge Of
a lime-colored sea. He found
that when he had seen one
acre, he had seen them all.
Now there was no plane
back. Chester drank and Fer
ris swallowed. The Third
Man belted two more scotches
and said: did I tell you the
one about the golfer with the
square ball. 2" He had.
Ferris is not as nervous as
the Third Man, but he &C.
quires the small leaps when
there is nothing to do. Like
now. Like no drinking, no
new jokes.
Ferris is a practical Joker.
On the Fourth of July, he
sets off salutes under the
porch of the Old Ladies
Home. Now he was thinking
of a Miami press agent who
is known to have a DISPOSE
ton like a frustrated barra-
cuda. The press agent had
just lost his girl to a guy
who plays a B-flat cornet In
a Miami Beach bar. He had
also lost his Job for sending
out a release saying that
business was better than ever
and this caused his boss's
creditors and relatives to
show up like hives. He was
as broke as an old soda
straw.
So Ferris talked about the
PAS bad luck, and every
body agreed that 1t couldn't
happen to a nicer guy. Fer
ris got up and walked out
and wrote a telegram to the
press agent. "In solemn con-
vention at Freeport," 1t read,
1.-The Undertakes Of British
Bahamas have selected you
for their annual award. You
have won $4,000 bronze cas-
ket free. Congratulations.
Would appreciate 1t II you
can take first plane here for
acceptance speech and Incl
dental measurements. Please
reply to Lucaya."
Ferris, who once worked In
Kearny. N. j., pouring ia
baSco sauce in school milk,
went back to the table. Ches-
Ter, who goes to sleep count
ing sheep a million at a time,
said that the three would
have to stay over until to-
morrow so that he could tell
some engineers where to lay
out an airport on his prop
erty.
The Third Man said he'd
settle for a plane, right on
the sand dunes.
Later. they were slipping
soup when a wire came. It
was addressed to Mr.. Lucaya.
mot interested in casket," 1t
said. mot interested in play
ing boob for your stunts.
Consider award an insult.
Using last lunch money to
send telegram. Am six feet
two built broad"
Ferris shook his head sadly.
He interrupted a Third Man
story about a priest, a min
lister and a rabbi and said:
This press agent has al
ways been wrong. He has new
er made a right move in his
life except accidentally. Like
losing his broad to a B-flat
cornet player. Now he is
broke and he has Just turned
down a free bronze casket."
FERRIS WIRED the PA.
again. TOO late to pick an
other winner" he wrote. you
are unanimous choice Of
embalmers as we'll as under
takers. Willing to pay fare
one way from Miami TO Free
port Cemetery where picnic
starts noon tomorrow. Reply
collect"
In the morning. they flew
back TO Miami.
Two days later. Ferris met
the press agent. The PA.
was crying for a Job. Things
are so tough" the man said,
that some undertakes Of
fered me a $4,000 casket free"
Ferris raised a brow. "You
accepted. OF course" he said.
The man shook his head,
you didn't" Ferris said In
surprise. That shows how
dopey you are. You could
have got 500 clans for II In
any hockshop and had a fresl
start In life"
kins Features Syndicate. Incl