Evening star., 1960-12-08
By THOMAS COLLINS

What are the obligations
OF retired parents to their
adult married children?"
In many forms, this ques-
ton keeps coming in. It comes
primarily from parents who
are laboring under impulses
to do more for their children
than they are doing. Seldom
does it come from parents
who are trying to squirm out
Of giving help.
Here is a guide, not suitable
to everybody and certainly
not q model for all circum-
stances. but one that perhaps
will be helpful in smoothing
q wrinkle or two from some
60-year-o old brows:
. Grandparents are seldom
appreciated If they become Q
baby-sitter service in order
for their married son or
daughter to have evenings
out.
After all. people have been
having babies for q long time
now. and have been able to
figure out this problem one
way or another without i'm
posing on hired help they
don't pay for. Retired parents
who give baby-sitting service
only when they volunteer 1t
unexpectedly-such as phon-
ing to say they'll take over a
week from next Friday night
ARE the ones who are ap-
preciated most.
o Most retired parents IS
or over cannot bear up well
under children IL years old
or younger for more than
two hours at any one time.
Perhaps the toughest of all
hardships older people suffer
is the caring for, or associa-
ton with, small children who
crate on their nerves. Most
Of them think 1t is their OBJ
legation to put up with this
hardship so they do it.
AS a matter Of fact. most
Of them would be admired
more by their children if they
rebeled against the idea that
all grandparents love all
grandchildren all day long.
. Retired parents are OBJ
ligated not to live in the
household Of their married
children II there is any possi-
bic way to avoid it. They are
seldom happy themselves and
their married children can
never live the free, uninhib-
tied private life they need
when the old folks are
around.
o Retired parents are obli-
gated to maintain a standard
Of life that is not embar-
RAISING to their aspiring and
struggling children-or else
stay out Of sight. Many
younger married couples have
had their business and social
success impaired by older
parents who are too unsophis-
ticated. too badly dressed and
too lacking in manners to fit
into the better lives their
children are trying to build.
o Retired parents, it seems
to me. are not obligated to
give all or any of their money
to their married children.
People who reach retire.
ment age have achieved a
great triumph in living so
long. If they have accumu-
lated some money, too, it is
an even greater triumph. This
money can buy many pleas
ures-such as travel, buying
treasures or even betting on
horse races. I vote for the
retired people spending their
money in this way. Primarily
because 1t contributes to their
own rewards in life and Sec
ondarily because the children
who would inherit the money
II 1t were not spent have done
nothing to deserve it except
being born. And the children
had very little to do with that.
o Retired parents have an
obligation to offer their chill
dren the benefits Of the wis
dom they have acquired in 65
years Of living II the children
want 1t. and the obligation to
keep their mouths shut If the
children don't.
o Retired parents in the main
hava tbA oaIioofio ~ fnal ~