Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1956-11-01

incoming Of success in our time.
stroying the very thing at which
we are trying to succeed. But
as every success is reached on
the stepping stones Of near
failure, so success in marriage
calls upon us to negotiate a try
ing route.
1t is often said, customarily
in whispers, that the real rea-
son why marriages break up is
sex. This can be sheer nonsense,
or it can encompass a great deal
of truth, depending upon our
understanding of the full impli-
cations of the sexual relation
ship.
The report of the Fifth Inter
national Congress of Mental
Health in Toronto, Canada, in
1854 included the statement
1.-THE greatest single cause Of I'M
happy marriages appears to be
disappointment in expectation
of how the marriage partner
should play his or her sexual
marital role"
The key phrase is "diSap-
pointment in expectation" for
in this, as in nearly everything
else in life, we all tend to suffer
a hangover of the child's out
look. We want to get our salts
factions easily-without working
for them--and we want them
Immediately, just as the Squawl-
ing child wants the immediate
and gratuitous satisfaction OF
the bottle when he is hungry.
Not Immediately
Fulf1llment in the sex rela-
tionship does not come imme-
diately upon the consummation
Of marriage. Just as q fusion OF
the personalities does not occur
in a week. month. or a year, SC
physical union, though the me-
chanics of it are easily achieved
cannot reach its full flower il,
a short time.
Both these processes of grow
ing into what the Bible calls
zone flesh" develop concurrent
ly; physical union in its COM
plete sense cannot take place
unless fusion Of the personalities
also has occurred.
The Disappointment, expressed
or unexpressed, Of young couples
in thier early sex relationships
is well known. Rushing in ro-
mantically with the dream that
in the marital embrace will be
the quintessence Of pleasure, far
beyond anything known before
and inexhaustible. young married
couples often suffer disilluSion-
ment and sometimes can aSsuage
it only by a kind of resignation.
Probably on single statement
we could make to young couples
about to marry would stand them
in better stead than a straight
forward warning not to expect
the maximum satisfaction from
the sex relationship chat is, the
total and mature blending of
male and female) until they have
been married for quite a while.
Other Adjustments
Success In marriage requires a
good many other adjustments,
too. Man and wife have to adj
just to each other land that is
no small adjustment).
Each Of us lives as a free
sovereign state until we make
the alliance known as marriage,
II one thinks the League Of Ma
tons once had a hard time of 1t,
or the United Nations is having
a hard time now, these are simply
macrocosmS of the situation
which is found in microcosm in
any marriage.
Two people want to get along.
they pledge to get along. and
now they are faced with the ac-
tual Job Of getting along. Neither
really wants to sacrifice sove-
reignty to an entirely new entity
which he or she doesn't quite
know or trust as yet: The "one
flesh" Of their married selves.
The fights" in marriage serve
the good purpose of catharsis,
an emotional cleaning out. We
often speak Of getting some
thing of our chests" or blow
ing of a little steam," and rec
ognize in the very phrases them
selves the value Of these outlets.
Marriage. like other relation
ships in life. must provide them.
Without the outlets there is the
far greater danger Of the accum-
ulation Of unreseolve emotional
tensions and a far greater blow
up. either inward or outward,
later on.
The problem is not to elimi-
nate the storms In marriage but
rather to weather them.
Storms are a threat TO mar
rage only when husband and
wife are poor sailors. They don't
know how to read the weather
signs, and when the big blow is
upon them they Just don't know
how TO navigate.
"A Pointers
-Four pointers may be helpful:
l. Identify the storm. Just as
the meterorologist Identifies our
Comics" and our 'Dianes," so
the married couple ought to be
able to see the clouds gathering
and say. in effect, Better batten
down the matches, it looks like a
bowler Is on the way" Then
they'll be prepared: they will not
be taken by storm.
2. Recognize that storms In
marriage are normal. Every mar
rage. Ike every year, has its
periodic equinox. though n
marriage they are less mathema-
tically practicable. But there is
comfort and succor in the inner
voice which says, Were no DIFF