Tabor City tribune. (Tabor City, N.C.) 1946-1991, 1955-06-22
Burney CIuzer's
Column

comet1me1, my ignorance
simply appals me.
My wife thinks I'm smart,
but to many folks 1 am awfully
stupid 1t times.
For example, don't know
very much about glasses. the
seeing kind, SO 1 should be ex-
cused on that point. But. 1 new
er am. II isn't my fault because
Il was only during the past six
months that spectacles and i
were formally introduced.
One day last week, I was dis
GUESSING with . prominent local
optometrist the scientific art Of
separating . mans eyeballs
from the outside world by
means Of two reduced panes
OF glass. In the neat of discus
sion. I Inadvertently mentioned
that 1.-The sides" of my frames
don't fit properly.
Well!
1 didn't exactly set Of an H
bomb, and I didn't tear up my
mothers picture, and neither
did I bite my dog, but you
would have thought I was sud-
den death from the look of
pain that came over the optom-
etrist's face.
AEhast, his mouth fell wide
open, his double chin quad
rupled, his eyebrows inter
twined like morning glory
vines, and he used his wrinkled
handkerchief to blot little
beads of Precipitation which
kept dotting his troubled brow.
realized that 1 had won the
blue plate special and some
how I had created a Franken-
stein monster such as a gold
fish that suddenly finds itself
outside a fishbowl and peering
through the glass at a cat safe
ly submerged and happily pur-
ring bubbles inside.
Didn't you know" ventur-
ed the optometrist tremulosuIy,
his lower lip quivering notice.
ably and his face as bleak as
the plains of Kansas.
"Know what?"
what you just said"
"WhaddIsay?"
81 can't repeat it."
well then, give me one lit
tie ferinstance," I pleaded as
one might throw a bone to a
dog.
He hesitated. II was easy to
see that he was weighing his
conscience against the issue at
stake, and 1 realized it was
wide world.
You called them Sides" he
spluttered.
1t dawned on me. My addle-
pated stupidity. my frightful
phantom had struck again. This
time, the field of medicine was
the unwilling victim.
In elementary school, the
kids used to call me Pig Iron"
Someone had figured out that
pig iron just doesn't have the
qualities of steel. In high
school, my chums felt compell-
ed to shorten my indentifica-
ton. Naturally, they couldn't
call me Pig" so they used the
only other alternative. They
called me Iron"
Which is how / came to de-
mand OF myself that day as I
stood accused before the OPP
tOmetriStS: What nath thou
wrought, Iroa?"
Clearing my throat and must
ering up my covering courage.
drew 4 deep breath and blurt-
ed out: Sir. would you mind
telling me If I have said some
thing wrong and. if so, how
can / possibly make amends
for maligning your chosen pro-
fesSion?"
Thoroughly unnerved but
grimlipped, the Optmoetrist
whispered hoarseIy: you call
ed them Sides
Il know, 1 know" I admit
ed like someone in the last
stages of dry-rot. but what
should / have Said?"
He pulled himself together
like a man who has just walk
ed into a charging bull. Quick
ly, fOrcefully, with grim deter
miuination, he snorted:
They are not sides: they
are temples" 1t was like a
bugIe sounding reveiIle in the
still morning air and ii made
me feel like hitchhiker
thumbing a ride on the road to
tragedy.
should have felt sick. But
I didn't.
"Sir," announced with a
show of unconcern. something
funny has lust come over me-
and I think I'm going TO laugh
loud enough TO split m y
SIDESv
He screamed twice. Once as
he bolted straight up into the
air, and once when he fled
headlong into the setting sun.
When will I ever learn? Poor,
stupid me.