Evening star., 1953-02-12
Modern
Marriage
Many Act Badly
In Presence of
Adopted Child
By D.. Paul Popenoe

By Dr.. PouI Popenoe
Curiosity not only killed a cat,
It also kills good manners on
many occasions. It is quite likely
that people who are in its grip
know inStinctively they are
being Doors, but just don't care.
So, driven by this seductive
force, they pry into other peo-
pies business and make them
selves disliked heartily.
Among the things that are
almost entirely personal is the
adoption of q child. Having
been told that baby is a foster
son or daughter, common
decency dictates that from that
time on, conversation with the
parents should be on the same
level 1t would be if the child
were a natural offspring. Too
frequently, it isn't. Mr.. j. is
getting a dose of this treatment
from acquaintances who seem
to lack appreciation for good
taste. But let him tell it.
When we found we couldn't
have children of our own, we
adopted boy. 5 years old. Most
couples want to get a newborn
baby, and they are scarce. but
we thought this little boy would
be good prospect and we made
no secret or mystery about it.
But I'm appalled, to find that,
when it comes to adoptions.
we'll people seem to have
no manners at all. Casual ac-
quaintances, who certainly can't
pretend that it's any of their
business, want to know where
we got him, whether he is il
legitimate, whether we know
anything about his background,
whether we are sure he has
normal intelligence. what be-
came Of his mother and father,
and so on. They even ask such
questions in his presence. Why
don't people have a little more
senSe?"
/ can't excuse these ill-man-
nered friends Of your, Mr.. j.,
but perhaps can explain them:
Contact with adopted children
is not a common experience for
most people, and few have had
any training in how to behave
under such circumstances. Un-
happily. ordinary good sense.
which is the very essence of good
manners, seems to fade away.
You. as a foster parent, can
profit by doing some reading
which will help you meet situa-
tions that arise when one as
sumeS this role. I have a read
ing list of good books on the
subject which will be sent to
any one who forwards a stamped.
self addressed evelope to me and
requests it. Meanwhile, Aurora
C. Bellows gives these sugges-
tions in ''The Family Digest on
how to keep your manners when
taking to adaptive parents. and
you might show them to some
Of your thoughtless friends:
/. When you talk to adaptive
parents, talk as II the child were
entirely their own. Whatever -
past. is past.
2. Don't tell them how won
derful they are to have given a
home to this poor little waif.
3. Don't make comments about
the child. such as, He looks
quite bright" You wouldn't say
1t about any other child. Adop-
tive parents are sometimes too
sensitive, but they are certain to
think that you are inwardly say
ing to yourself, How strange
that an adopted child can seem
to be so nearly normal"
4 Don't sympathize with the
parents because the child is not
really their own. They have
made it their own.
S. Instead of trying to satisfy
your own impertinent curiosity
by invading their privacy, let
them do the talking while you
listen.
6. Above all, when the child
is old enough to understand,
don't tell him how lucky he is
to have found such parents. how
grateful he ought to be to them,
and so on.
Strange, isn't it, Mr.. j., that
intelligent. well-meaning people
have to be given such suggeS-
tionS and instructions!