The Key West citizen. [volume] (Key West, Fla.) 1879-current, 1952-06-11
HAL
BOYLE
SAYS
BY HAL BOYLE

NEW YORK R-Week end
guests are the thistles in many
summer paradise.
People who own a small place
In the country love to trade horror
tales about the weird guests that
descend upon them from the city
in quest of tax-free entertainment.
They often speak of these visitors
as if they were ravenousS locust
plague. The avearge week enc
guests is pictured as a man who
(Al Leave S his footprints on the
bathtub and walls;
OBJ Tries to kiss the hosts wife
behind his back;
CO Keeps trampling on his host S
children, and not always accident
ally;
CD Laps up the hosts entire
monthly liquor supply. then makes
long distance calls to friends in
London and Paris, leaving the
charges for his host to pay.
But it always has seemed to me
this is one-sided story. All rural
hosts agree there is no such thing
as a perfect weekend guest. On
the other hand, it isn't exactly
easy to find a perfect weekend
host.
1t might be a good idea if long
suffering week end guests banded
together and got some Duncan
Hines or Emily Post to protect
them.
Why not put up signs before all
country homes rating the owners?
For example, Host strongly rec
commended but wife is terrible gos-
sip" Or, Food okay, but host is
terrible bore" Or. Guest beware
bring your own sandwiches. Or
even, run for your life."
Guests who are invited to spend
ga quiet restful week end away
from it all" must learn by trial
and error now that a host in the
suburbs isn't always the same fell
low he seemed in the city.
Here are a few standard types,
recognizable to all veteran guests:
(1) The slave labor host - he
shows up wearing overalls and
carrying a trowel. All he wants
you TO do is help him build a
garage and a 100-foot winding con.
crete driveway between Friday
and Sunday evening.
(2) The keep fit host --- every
morning before dawn he barges
into your room saying, IF We hur-
ry we can get in five sets of tennis
before noon. That'll leave US plen.
ty of time to play softball with
the kids. and then we can 90
horseback riding" What does he
care if you drop dead?
~ The "ain't nature grand"
host - This husky boy has to have
every meal outdoors, The mos
quitoes eat you as you try to eat
a barbecued hotdog that looks like
a burned clothes pin. The salad
he made with lettuce from his own
garden also turns out TO have a
few sprigs of poison ivy In it.
(4) The eVerflowing bottle host
He shows up at the station with
baggy eyes. You just know he has
poured a gallon Of gin into his
swimming pool, because he can't
even take a dip into the water
unless it has a martini flavor.
81 The make profit host 49,
The first thing he does is set up a
card table, and he and his wife
play bridge together like Hoyle
and Mrs. Hoyle. II they don't win
enough OIL you 10 nuy sallb0at,
their weekend is ruined. and you
are a bum.
There is sill another type of
host. the kind that guests dream
about but never meet He is the
perfect host. When you arrive, he
hands you the keys to his house
and car.
Then he packs up his wife and
kids, calls a taxi. drives away $500
and doesn't come back until Tues
day, by which time you naturally
have gone, refreshed. rested, and
happy after a wonderful weekend
alone.