Laurel outlook., 1950-09-13

"Guss the Spud Bitter" I came
of a very prominent potato bug
family. 1t lived on the estate of an
American capitalist at Meadow
brook, L. I. Of course, we all had
to have an instinct to destroy po-
tatoes, but in our case we got spe-
cial training and indoctrination.
"This Meadowbr0ok capitalist
had an experimental farm on
which potato bugs Of intelli-
gence and determination were
schooled. Speed and precision
in the destruction of potatoes
was the keynote. We were taught
to hate totalitarian potatoes. /
spent my youth under this train
ing. Three times a day all the
potato bugs were lined up at
attention while this capitalist
shouted our slogan Get Joe!'
81 remember the day when we
had finished our schooling and
were turned over to Washington for
offensive against Soviet spuds. Our
boss took us to the Pentagon and
formally presented us to the gov
eminent as instruments of freedom.
We put on a drill and inspection.
We were given numbers. I was at
that time known as bug 966432900
"" alias "Fritz Seven and Three
Quarters"
"We rel given secret orders and
put on planes bound for any coun-
try under Soviet control. My des-
tination was Czechoslovakia as it
was found I had a special hatred
for Czech potatoes, especially mash
ed. The general idea was that I
would land there and pose as a rose
beetle. If this was questioned I
would claim to be a cockroach with
freckles.
81 had but one purpose, to
give my all for the ultimate de-
~struction of the Soviet union. To
destroy potatoes was my main
idea, but 1 would stop at moth
ing. 1 would have destroyed a
well-known member of the Sc
cret police except that just as
I had worked on him from the
feet to the knees he whipped
out an insecticide. / barely got
away in time to renew my dep
relations.
Gin my time I gave the works to
potatoes all over Czechoslovakia. I
would have been at it yet except
that my discovery suddenly came
about through unnecessary rash
ness. One day 1 mopped up on po-
tatoes and tackled a red cabbage.
This red cabbage got into the kitch-
en- of a Russian general in Czech
oslovakia. If there is anything a
Russian loves it is red cabbage. 1t
is often used in bortsch soup. He
discovered my handiwork on this
cabbage. At first 1 denied every
thing. 1 insisted 1 thought I was
working in a grapefruit with cat
sup on it. But I was taken before
a Russian court at once. This made
it clear that 1 must confess or else.
1 admit all the charges and also
any that may be thought up later.
Down with Soviet vegetables. Long
live the Wall Street potato bug!
Potsy"
VANISHING AMERICANISMS -
''Thank goodness the children are
no worry" Lets stay home this
week end" waiter, I'll take the
6O-cent lunch" when does the
iceman Gomez" Lets not argue"
Daytona Beach, Florida, has vot-
ed TO open a rdceIrdch. II llldy
soon be possible to watch horse
races from a train window all the
way south.
Pfc. Oscar Purkey exclaims,
'Whaddaya mean east is west and
west is east and never the two shall
meet!"
Pete, the Bronx Zoo hippo
celebrated his 47th birthday last
week. He doesn't feel a ton
over 46.
David Sarnoff says that actual
Korean war battles may be een on
television screens. This may mean
that Abe Burrows, Bob Hope, Ar
thur Godfrey and Uncle Milton may
wind I'D as field commanders, with
Fave Emerson as a Mollie Pitcher.
What we fear is the advent of a
day when a fellow won't 60 into
combat unless he gets a sponsor.