davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
LAUGHS..THAT'S
WHAT WE NEED
Bv HENRY McLEMORE


situation. But ! have a solution.
Erect "A small building across
the street and hang "A sign out
side IL which reads Officers
Club" Your janltor will spend
so much time I'm there that you
won't have 10 bother about him
any more. Or, II you don't want
TO 20 90 that expense. simply
hang a sign over the bank door
reading, Enlisted Mems Powder
Room" and he won't come in.
Q-I have lost touch with my
former first sergeant. and am
very anxious 20 find him. He IS
one OF the jolliest, kindliest,
dearest, most lovahle fellows l
have ever known. Every second
! served under him was a real
pleasure His name is Slug
O'JaZwiczkll. Can you help me?
A-By return mail am send
ing YOU n fruit cake. Enclosed
I'm the cake II "A Ale. You'll have
10 saw YOUR own WAY out of
the nuttouse y6Hi irt obviously
In.
Q My wife keeps insisting
that | re-enliSt IN the infantry.
Can arsenic be bought without
a prescription?
A-YOur lack OF enthusiasm
about re-enliSting appals me.
The only reason didn't re-
enlist was because I didn't want
10 be selfish about it--waHtcd
To give some Of the men who
weren't lucky enough 10 serve
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
uemOrrhOidS.
Their Treatment
BY HERMAN y. BUNDESEN. Md.

MEN and women seem to be
~ affected equally as often
y Is possible that the condition
may tend 10 run in families, due
10 some inherited weakness of
the walls Of the veins. Many
persons think that constipation
is a factor, but this, too. has
been dlsproved in many cases.
llemorrho!dS may be present
for some time before a person
becomes aware Of them. How
ever, sooner or later they cause
some discomfort, and blood may
be found in the bowel move
ments. More severe pain is
likely 10 develop when a blood
clot forms in the dilated vein.
particularly if there is also
some inflammation.
IT MUST be remembered. now
ever, that there are MANY
other conditions which may also
cause pain around the lower
opening of the bowel, together
with bleeding particularly in
elderly persons in whom
tumor of the bowel NAV be
present a fissure or crack in
the lining membrane NAV also
produce pain and there may he
some difficulty due 10 infection
OF the skin in this area.
II hemorrhoids are neglected.
they are likely 10 become in
fected Ulcers or sores and an
abSceSS may form. and severe
bleeding may develop.
Insofar as treatment is con-
cerned, there are several meth
odS available. In some\instances.
injections Of certain soaring
solutions into the dilated veins
may serve TO control the condi-
tion In other cases, surgical
operation and removal of the
enlarged veins are need led.
Medical treatment alone cannot
always be expected TO cure the
condition. but may give tenn
porary rClicf.
copyusht 1915. By Ens Feature,
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
New Years
Resolutions

Clare Boothe Luce but i think
we should look her up more
often. However, we must be
kindly. l see where she has
been dropped 10 tenth place
among the best-dressed women
of the world and she may feel
sensitive about being trump.
Maybe we could cheer her up
by getting off some little nifty.
such as handsome IL as hand
some does, or beauty is only
skin deep. But. under no cir
cumstances, is she TO be referred
10 as a bag
If Senator Tom Connally Of
Texas is TO continue accusing
Senator Joseph II. Ball of Min
nesota of chasing butterflies
in his plan for world govern
ment, / think we should study
up on the lepidoptera. After
all. you can't cover butterflies
without a program. Remember
10 get me some color plates Of
butterflies so | can identify
Senator Ball on sight.
I ET US also have more dignity
Il in this Joint, particularly if
customers are around. ! wish
no repetition Of the time we put
IN a call for Senator Hicken-
loeper and yea were sniekering
so much over the name you glib
bered like an idiot when he an
swered
Or the time Supreme Court
Justice Murphy came in and you
told him his face was familiar
and had anybody ever told him
he looked Just like Supreme
Court Justice Murphy?
Or even like the time Dutch
Bergman. the football wizard.
paid us a visit and you said -Ynu
had seen a big sign about him
on a railroad platform. When
Mr. Bergman beamed all over
and asked Hhat the- SigH had
said you yipped
Coaches to the rear"
And III conclusion. / highly
resolve 10 be a good boy, TO love
everybody particularly the pub
lshcrs who buy my column, and
-,o 1f-'fSf1 ny rcntIst twice n year.
Distributed ty King Features synd., Inc.
Reproduction IN who'll or In part
strictly prohibited
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
WASHINGTON
SCENE

MISS REID. for the first, and,
AVA / trust, the last time, will
you please take down that
calendar! l don't care If il is
pretty. 1t is the wrong year.
This is 1916. Miss Reid-1946.
1945 has departed into the
limbo.
No, ] did not call you
''bimbo." My goodness, what
kind Of company do you keep?
And while we are at 1t, let me
tell you a few things.
From now on we are going TO
have more efficiency around
this dump. II you will kindly
put away that confounded nail
polish and dry off your nails so
you won't look like you're
bleeding to death I will outline
a few resolutions.
Effective as of now, we will
not wait the last minute before
starting the column. l am
sick and tired OF having Cole
Morgan stick his snoot in the
door and ask if l think / am
writing for somebody's year
book. We've got 10 do one Of
two things-start the column
earlier or kill Morgan.
WE'VE also got TO figure out
w some perfect system OF
murder--a method by which We
can do il, without being de-
tected. guys who come bursting
In and saying:
"I've got a wonderful gag for
your column--if you can only
figure q way To clean IL up a
little"
Moreover we've got 20 get a
couple of new tutf day guys
We can't bank on Harold Ickes
and Archibald MacLeish lasting
for ever. In fact. many are be-
ginning to feel right now that
Ickes won't keep much longer.
think we should also be
very chary in future about
identifying such and such
senator as a bachelor Those
whom have named in the past
tell me IL makes life very diff
cult. They can scarcely attend
any social function without be-
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02

THE response 10 my offer 10
i help former GIs with their
problems has been most heart
warming. BY letter. wire, hello
graph, smoke signal, wig-wag,
and, in some instance. a corked
bottle dropped into the ocean.
hundreds have turned 10 me for
counsel. So far as ] know. only
three have gotten jail sentences
for following my advice.
So. today, l reached in the
cubbyhole OF my desk marked
Aspirin" and pulled out the
following questions
Q--My forme er commanding
officer is now the janitor Of the
bank Of which / am president.
This situation is leading 10 high
confusion. Out Of habit. ad-
dress him as Sir" and come 10
attention when ! speak 10 him.
Out of habit, he keeps me pick
ing up cigaret butts of the floor
and refilling inkwells. AS re
stfit. don't have time TO attend
10 my business as president II
has been a full month since /
have been able TO snarl suspi-
ciously at man and turn down
his request for a loan. All the
while my former commanding
officer, the janitor, struts around
the place. barking commands al
people 10 straighten the line IN
front OF the teller'S window. and
telling important clients 10 but
ton their coats. What can do7
A-You have q most trying
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
LETS EXPLORE
YOUR MIND

Answers to Question No. !

Answers TO Question No. ]
More and more psychology
is becoming a science of meas
urementS and-lesS a free field
for arm chair guessers as TO
how the minds of animals and
humans work. DR.. Percival NJ.
Symonds surveyed large groups
of country and high school
pupils on this question. The an
swers showed city boys and
girls take more interest in
matters of sex and in making
themselves attractive TO the op-
posite sex than country boys
and girls.
Answer to Question No. 2
2-Yes, if the present increase
in the worlds population con-
tinues.4 While the werld-farm
food production IN 1916 will be
only 3 per cent less than the
pre-war average, the number of
mouths TO feed has increased so
fast, even with all the war
casualties that the food per
mouth will be 10 per cent less.
Answer to Question No. 3
Sound psychology. Unless
good intentions are carried out
in performance, and repeated
until they become habits, they
make a person worse. They
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
-Bv WALTER WINCHELI

ganist II. Sylvern will have ii
knitted Febree 2nd.
Irene Manning's new heart
attack is Capt. Jack Luedeke,
Ranger hero. Tall, Dark &
Stuff.
Midtown Nignette:
IT was at "21." the veddy
i swanky delicatessen on West
SIND Street.
Milton Berle says IL hap
pened to him, and you know
how reliable he is.
Tennyrate, after he dined the
waiter amazed Berle by whis-
pering
IL lost your check and I can't
remember everything you had.
Can you recall 80
"Of course" obliged Milton.
II had a shrimp cocktail, vichy-
swah, roast beef, cherry tart,
demitasse and two glasses of
water"
Thanks" said the waiter,
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
Less to Eat
i'm the Future
Fanny Brice's Son
a Coming Artist

'fbut you didn't have to mention
the water--we don't charge for
Ii any more"
Sounds in the Night:
At THEODORE'S: "Lissen,
"A you, one more quack like
that and you're a dead duck."
In Ruban Bleu: He counts
his girl friends by the doesn'ts.
Veriwell, doctor, I'll go quietly
At the Carnival: "Some one
oughta dot a couple of his eyes"
In the Stork: Money is the
stuff i spend like l think /
have il"
At the Zanzibar: He's one OF
those commandos that fought
the war from behind a desk.
You know, a Warflower."
At Greenwich Village Inn:
"The Navy should give her an
'E'-for Everybody"
At Howie's: She's a peach.
Very Smooth-with a heart of
stone"
Copyright by Daily Mirror, Inc.
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
FOrgeffuIness
Explained

titled What kind of a husband
lover are you?" The result was
discouraglng.
I didn't pass. Am only a Ga
per cent husband lover.
l might have passed If
could have answered the follow
ing in the affirmative:
"DO you whistle with de-
lighted surprise, as you did be-
fore marriage, when your wife
appears all dressed up TO step
out with yOu?"
never whistle. However, l
do exclaim, Some oomph girl.'
or words 10 that effect.
] should get some credit for
that.
Maybe I am really a 6S per
cent husband lover.
Sidelights--
As AN aid 10 those des-
"a Pefatefy seeking a place to
live in Minneapolis the postmen
have been asked 10 report all
house and apartment vacancies
on their route. There's an idea
for you if seeking an apartment.
Get acquainted with the post
men.
Cocker spaniel owner wants
TO know how the breed got its
name. A cocker is so called
because he was originally bred
TO hunt woodcocks. A springer
spaniel is so named because he
Springs" or drives the birds
out of brush so the hunter can
get a shot at them.
Distributed by King Features synd.. Inc.
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02

In the infantry during the war
"A chance. A. for the arsenic,
why be 10 subtle Didn't YOU
Learn sheei when seti were
In the infantry:
Q-I was d cook in the army.
As a result. my wife thinks /
can cook, and insists on my do
ing most Of the cooking for the
family. How can | change her
mlnd7
A-C0ok her a meal.
q / have Y pairs OF CT long
underwear. Can you suggest
use for II?
Ayes. Buy yourself an air
port and Use the long handles
for wind socks. They make
perfect ones.
@ was a WAC am "A
years Of age. ; feet ?. nat
ural platinum blonde, with big
blue eyes l weigh 40. and
haze STABLE bank account
i naVF a problem I would love
10 discuss with you personally at
your convenience.
A-Sorry, but my Commu-
nifty Chest and Boy Scout work
keep me so busy that I won't
be able TO see YOU. On second
thought. let the Community
Chest and Boy scouts hustle
for themselves. Meet me in
Detroit right away. You won't
have any trouble spotting me.
I'll be the only guy not striking.
Distributed by MrNsughi syndicate. Ipc'
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02

Both also may lead 10 pain and
discomfort.
Why hemorrhoidS form can
not be stated definitely in az
instances. There are some who
believe that occupation or type
Of activity may play part. but
just as many cases occur IN
those who are inactive as in
those who do hard work.
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
BROADWAY
RHYTHM
The Big Parade:

DANNY BRICE'S son, Billy,
Il an accomplished artist.
When he finishes Is canvases
he will hold a one-man exhibit
ton. He's done a dozen TO date.
Prince Francis Graetz-Wln-
diSch Of Austria and a one-tlme
sec'y TO Franz Josef, the Aus
trian emperor, who are partners
IN a firm in the SOS, W h / c h
peddles novelties and notions.
Alfred Drake. who introduced
"Oh. What a Beautiful Morn
ingn' when oklahoma" pre-
miered - with his lovely wife
Harvey Brown of the original
-balleD- wheeling their image
along Lexington near 57th IN
the blizzard.
Arthur Garfield Hays the
Great Constitutionalist, who Is.
readying sizzler for a new
digest mag.
Joe Everglades Lewis silenc-
ing a pest al the Copa rlngslde
with: II dunno what I'd do
without you-but I'd rah-thah"
SaIlies in Our Alley:
JACKIE GLEASON and Vince
j Curran were swapping quip-
pies at the 66 Club in the VII
iage. II see" said Gleason,
"where Mayor-elect O'Dwyer Is
making some alterations In the
MAYORS official home" Match"
said Vince. "he's replacing the
the brass fire-pole with a stair
way.
At the 400 they were panning
a well-known drunk. who was
reported suffering from brain
conclusion. II wonder how that
happened some one asked. IL
think" said Fred Allen, che was
hit on the head by a falling
napkin"
MemOs Of Midnighter:
4 SOCIALITE poddy in the
n los the other night ended
in a brawl and may lead to a
divorce between a couple Of
young bluebloods. The blood
Ito the amaZement Of common
folks was rcd-like theirs!
Mary Ellin Berlin, 19-year-old
deb daughter Of the Irving Ber-
linS. has lots of beauX, but the
most ardent appears 70 be So
ciahte Murray Mcdonald. kin
TO II. Ford ii.
George Ross Jr.. the inSur-
ance exec, and Eileen Stafford
have resumed their duetcetera.
Radio announcer t h o m s
Hudson and lovely thrush Mar
garet Whiting are "woof-wooi,
which people in radio will I'M
derstand best.
Jeanne Harrison, gal director
OF radio chillerdramaS, and or
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
Husband Lover

Husband-LOver--
A M STILL answering those
"A quizzes designed 10 aid a
fellow 70 find out if he amounts
TO anything.
Last night I answered one
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
YOUR
HEALTH

uEMORRHOIDS or piles are
IL made up of dilated or en-
larged veins. They occur either
just outside the lower opening
OF the bowel, or just within IT.
The first type. outside the lower
opening Of the bowel, is called
external, while the other kind
is called internal. and both kinds
can occur in the same person.
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
One Word Led To Another
BY ARTHUR BUGS BAER

9Bf1e w OfU Leu lO AUOaneF
-By ARTHUR BUGS BAER--
Hoses Live Only 30 Years
INE taxica5s Paris 1914 would have been
i slackers in New York in 1915.
For four long, repaired years the ManhaHen
turbreis have been operating rich mixture OF
hot gasoline, goofer dust and UHl- poWeT
The old nox-carts shook so much that the chauheurs
charged you 80 for vibratory
I'll give you the history Of BronxDeroit chariot
from factory TO Fender Park.
Fender Park the Vahala of the junkopoists Sooner
quicker all finish in that paradise Of rust and hubcap
rJ,HE selected last triumphal collapse
i Broadway showed 10000 miles its circular books.
This simple mileage fourth lap around the dial
That total of $4,000 miles in FIVE years.
The Old commercial jatopy ttas ttorked night
and day like dentists doorbeU In its progress to-
IUard rerogression had been repaired ofener than
mud fence. IL ratified like teeth in n,aiorio shook
like idiot at barn dance and rolled like RS in
Scotland.
During those $4,000 had travelled almost 10 times
around the world along its abdominal parallel where
the world is fatest During those Is circumnaygations Of
the highrent districts had probably averaged passenger
mile Figure that yourself. l know many people
already.
yINHAT is high average for New York. where
people don't stand they sit down they don't walk
they lean, they don't if they oiter and they
don't promenade if they ride That's why heels
seem o wear out in Manhattan.
Three hundred and seUenty-Six thousand miles
is the average life of four the detour districts.
- That Vould be nice mileage for comet. Yet at the
finish of its r,etered career my faUorite Manhattan
faricob still pusdtng fortUdrd on its egg-shaped
Dheels and tanning its engine with its doors.
You could look through its foorboards and than
you could through its windshield It's roof leaked like soup
fork the dents its tenders would hold all the Pago
Pago its bumpers twisted like Turkish alphabet and its
trunk rack looser than barroom conversation
But Of paint and a kind word and will be che
run again There is always Brooklyn.
Cp77r by inE Uius
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
BY +. Y. DURLING

married for the fifth time. For
get the name of her fifth hus-
band already. Can remember
practically everything worth re-
membering about Peggy but the
names of her husbands. Any
way. il was her third husband,
Stanley Joyce, who gave her a
divorce settlement of S60O0OO.
He had previously presented her
with about S250,000 in Jewelry.
He also gave her stock which
provides her with 81 800 a
month income for life.
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
Asking

Queries from clients: Q-Do
you remember a song titled
There's a Tavern in the
Town ?"
A-Certainly. Used 10 sing II
when l was in prep school. An
other favOrite of that time was
There's Red Light on the
Track" Remember that?
Q-Where in the United
States is the best plate OF ham
and eggs served? ?
A-Well, sir, l haven't been
everywhere, but the best plate
Of ham and eggs l have con-
sumed 50 far was served at the
MHehlbaeh Hotel. Kansas City,
Mo.
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
Passing by

GEORGE ODOM. Once a
VI great Jockey. Now a great
trainer. He says Imp was
< T. Il race mare but that
Busher is better. George rode
Imp many times and trained
Busher. so he should Know
Peggy Hopkins Joyce. Just
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02
LIFE WITH SALT
ON THE SIDE

To Gen. Joseph Francis BGttisy
Oh! Could you but knoW.
With whGt deep deVotednesS Of
Uoe
I mourned your absence.
Over and oUer again,
Thinking Of you, still you,
Until thought greW pain.
And memory. iihe a drop that
Night and day falls cold and
esoseIsss,
Wore my heart aWGy.
MOORE.
NOTE il stated that If you
y occasionally forget the name
of a man you know well II IN
dicates you have a h d d g n
grudge against him Sounds like
bunk 10 me. | often forget the
names of some OF the incest fel-
lows | have ever met. The rea-
son you often forget a name or
something else you should have
no difficulty in remembering IS
because when your brain be-
comes tired il automatically
takes a rest. After a short rest
your mental equipment starts
functioRing again That IS Why
a name or thing you have pre-
VlouSly forgotten SO often comes
20 YOU like a flash
Detroit evening times., 1946-01-02

coPyrTnt 1915. BY Kins Features
The Wilmington morning star. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1909-1990, 1946-01-15
BUSINESS DEFlES
FARRELL REGIME
Continued from Page One,

PARTICLES of prime necessitvn
Only those factories which r,..,
have "a hours maintenance serviS S'
permitted entry of workers and 'i &c
those cases only skeleton cr 0 Al
were on hand. Packing houses worS S
idle. Large construction project
were halted. N'S
A few small neighborhood sbo.
remained open and there were son ~
hucksters in the streets. but .n s
parently most workers STAYED =.
home, content to make the noS4 ..
a three-day midsummer holid,s
with pay.
Their amusement schedule w,,
limited. Theaters, motion pictnrs
houses, night clubs and otbas
amusement places joined with tba
commercial interests in the shom
of peaceful defiance to the Cover
ment. Banks remained open, as did
government offices.
Transportation, chiefly Govern.
ment- controlled, function on a re-.
duced scale with few passengers
The government remained I'm.
moved in it's determination to de-,
mand compliance with its decree
President Farrell received various
union delegations during the dav
who reaffirmed support of the gov.
eminent.
The Wilmington morning star. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1909-1990, 1946-01-15
RALEIGH WOMAN
KILLED ON STREET
CONTINUED from Page One)

three times by bullets as she hur-
ried from her office to car in
which her husband and a brother
were awaiting her.
Three sailors and Police Sgt.
L. L. Collins chased Nash from the
scene, southwark along Fayette-
vile street to the police station.
Collins said he saw Nash holding
the girl by the shoulder and firing
at her. The police said the gun was
discharged four times, with three
of the bullets striking Mrs. Parker.
While police were drawing up the
warrant in which Nash will be
charged with the Staying, the form
err projectionist was being held in
city Jail.
Burdette L. Parker, husband Of
the slain woman, said they were
married about two years ago short
ly before he went overseas, and
lived together for only five days
before he received his sailing or
ders. He was discharged from the
Army last October 10 and has been
living with his wife on a rural
route near here. He is an automo-
bile mechanic.
The Wilmington morning star. [volume] (Wilmington, N.C.) 1909-1990, 1946-01-15
CI'S ASK MEETING
WITH PATTERSON
Continued from Page One)

himself 28-point man, presented
the petition. Patterson replied over
public address system, telling the
soldiers, mostly Air Force men,
that he was not worried about their
conduct, which he was sure would
be orderly. But he called their at
tention to the fact that "the eyes of
various other nationals-the Rus
slams British and French are
SLAMS, British and French - are
in China"
At about the same time, several
thousand Chinese students were
marching through S h n 6 h is
streets, waving placards and shout
ing to American troops along the
route, why Don't You Go Homer"
The demonstrators, participating
in student movement intended to
be nationwide, also demanded de-
mocratization of China. Later, 5000
of them paraded in front of the
French Consulate in protest against
French arrest of a French Nazi
suspect in disregard of Chinese
sovereignty.