The Wilmington morning star., 1945-10-27
Fair Enough
By WESTBROOK PEGLER
Copyright 1915, by King Features Syndicate.)

dav when the Treasury gets around to review
ing this years return because this is the
year when put in as bad and uncollectable
debt 40 cents of the so cents that Miss Sally
Wilson, of Washington, has been owing me
for two years and finally settled, through
Jesse Jones, for two cents on the dollar
The Wilson woman is a playwright and is
the daughter of Lyle Wilson, the manager of
the United Press Bureau in Washington. She
is now IS years old but she was 10 when she
wrote the play which was entitled, Grand
mother Has Gone to the Bar
l detected genius in the script at the time
and published it, calling attention to the Sa-
royan influence and the next year, In Port
land Oregon, I ran into Stewart Holbrook
another writer, who was practically hysteri-
cal about it and wanted to print it in book
took it on myself to ask SIS for the book
rights which he readily agreed to. But when
he sent the check it was made out to Miss
Wilson and the covering note said he had al
ways detested authors agents and, for once
in his life, was glad to have chance to pay
the entire price to a writer and make the
agent hustle for his commission. The COM
mission was so cents and was fully justified
not only by my skill, devotion and acumen
in driving good bargain for my Client but
by expenditure of $685. for some beverages
during my haggling with Mr.. Holbrook, who
is Scotsman and no mean haggler, but
mean enough at that.
hesitated to play the part Of agent in
this deal because did not want to embar-
rass the Wilson woman's father and, more
over, he is an editor and was apprehensive
that he might get vindictive and edit the ears
off me. Therefore l phoned him. He called
me by my first name and said, heartily
there isn't enough money in the world to
embarrass Wilson, Under the Circumstance
es 1 thought it was the only thing I could
do and I hope the Treasury will agree that
l was reasonably diligent in trying to collect
the money because wrote her twice asking
what her financial condition was. She ignored
both letters but I figured that her father had
moral responsibility so I gave the matter
very little thought as am very rich man
by trade.
Matters went from bad to worse and finally
new deal congressman named Sivewitch
an old-time con-man named Singer and
man who said he was an uncle Of the accused,
engaged in the business of promoting RFC
loans on percentage, came to see me. They
said Jesse Jones wanted to discuss Miss Will
sons debt and, of course, figured her father
was going to make her pick it up or pay it
hiro self as any father should.
So went to see Mr.. Jones and he said
the girl was busted and was thinking of joining
the WACS if the war lasted until she was
old enough and her father was badly worried
about her financial affairs so what about a
settlement? Well, 1 realized that her father
had many worries at the time and Of course
I was still mindful Of the power Of the press
and his reputation as very vindictive man.
I didn't want him doing any editing on me
so l asked Mr.. Jones what they were offering
and he said 1.-TWO cents on the dollar
THAT comes to just one cent, even," he
said, and you might as well take it and of
course it is none Of my business about your
income tax as 1 am not tax consultant. ,
At this point, perhaps you would like to
read the play. which is as follows:
Stepmother-Fm tired of living here. I've
always wanted to be an actress.
Father-You sertainly don't care for the
children think of what they'll go threw grand
mother is always getting drunk.
Stepmother-If the children can't get along
by there self its to bad I can't help it If
grandmother gets drunk.
Children enter.
Jo-Guess what 1 don't have any home
work.
Father-Good do you have any Clover.
Clover-A little bid.
Dick-A little bit my foot.
Grandmother enters.
Grandmother-1've hulk squesed the potatoes
and pealed the hulk lemons.
(The word 'huk,' denoting inebriety here, is
an improvement on the conventional 'hic.o
Stepmother-Oh dear.
Children laugh and stepmother leaves the
room.
Father-Granny wouldn't you like to get
| some water.
Grandmother-t.ater on I'm going to the
bar now.
Jo-If you don't go to the bar more than
twise day I'll eat my hat.
Grandmother-You don't have any to eat
hulk.
Stepmother - Come in and eat children
grandmother's gone to the bar thank gonnese.
Father-You no the children can't stay with
her.
Stepmother - They are not my children
where is there real mother?
that big tank of gas that started licking in
gayton well we lived block away and
was reading and my wife was scing on some
close and man said the tank was busted so
ran for the boys and my wife ran for Clover.
It was so fogie outside so I couldn't see. Well,
the streets were crowded my wife slipped on a
rock I don't know exactly how we got apart
but notised she was missing many times I
| looked for her but never found her.
| Stepmother-How queer.
Now hear that the play is being produced
on broadway with Helen Hayes as grandmoth-
or, William c. Fields as father and Fanny
Brice as Clover and that Miss Wilson is prac-
tically putrid with money. Nevertheless she
insists that the debt was settled by Mr. Jones
and her father, when see him, throws back
his head, tits his cigarette holder at cocky
angle and bellows, sucker"