davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
WASHINGTON SCENE
BY George Dixon

also the time and the place,
have a lot 10 do with humor.
To get the most from a gag
YOU need to both see and hear
IT; also you should be in place
where laughing is frowned upon.
Anyway. the Senate was
called upon to vote on a recon-
mendation which had just
emerged from its committee on
post Offices. It concerned the
appointment of a postmaster
out in Missouri.
The committee had reported
adversely on the appointment.
meaning IL didn't think this
particular guy should get the
job. and wished the Senate as
a whole to sustain the thumbs
downer.
The clerk read through the
committees report and appar-
emily got all confused. At any
rate he shouted:
"AIl those In favor will please
say Nor
The senator's let out the big
gest burst Of bellylaughter I
have heard up there for a long
time. The poor clerk tried TO
correct himself but couldn't be
heard above the outlaws. I
thought Happy Chandler OF
Kentucky, and Vandenberg Of
Michigan would darn near kill
themselves.
4 WHILE back I wrote about
"A the resolution, submitted
by Rep. John M. Coffee of
Washington to broadcast pro-
ceedings OF Congress. I ran
into Mr.. Coffee the other day
and asked him how his bill was
progressing. ussa
Pretty good, I think" he
said, except that I have re-
ceived an awful lot of kidding
letters on the subject. Many
people seem to hnd the Idea
highly amusing"
I had not seen Mr.. Coffee
since the election and con-
graduated him on his victory.
/ asked him II he had had a
tough fight.
mot very" he said. II won
with q slogan.
my opponent was n fellow
named Paul A Price. So every
time I made . campaign speech
said 10 the voters:
"Tn choosing your coffee re-
member quality and forget
price!"
Distributed By King Features synd. Inc.
Reproduction in whole or In part
strictly prohibitsd.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
One Word Led to Another
BY Patterson
The Detroit Iimes
BY Arthur Bugs" Baer-

You know the first thing our exchanged prisoners
ask is who won the World Series?
That's pretty good indication that baseball is our
national sport still love the old racket though
rarely gander game.
had fun with baseball than l have had with
any other caper When said that old Ping Bodies head
full Of larceny but his feet honest That didn't
finish Ping but it started
But almost did wind up amiable George Mcbride
when said he struck out throw to catch
mapping off first.
And certified the accuracy of Iris Speakers arm
for all time when he reayed throw from deep center
to home and said the out on strikes.
a basernner always suspected Ping Bodie rated
higher than Zeke Bonura know took two ined outs
and pinch to get Zeke through revolving door,
also remember that Clark Griffith never threw
fast ball because it didn't give him time to duck
The great Cobb wrote nasty letter after
he had cut down Collins Baker Woveron and Foster at
third base And just because said Ty stopped at
barber shop and had his spikes honed
The equally ferocous Fred Clark of Pittsburgh also
went forth to bust my beezer when said he new
baseiine from left field to the umpires
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

THE Magic Lanterns: Meet
L Me In st. Louis" bulges
with enough pleasant amuse-
ment to provide a month OF
daydreams. Set In the 23-skidoo
era, the warm humor and in
fectious ditties inspire the spirit
to show It's dimples, Delightful
Margaret OBrien steals the
picture and your heart.
A song-and- -dancinema. Some
thing for the Boys" comes in
on a buck-and-wing and lands
gently on the eyes and ears.
AS in all musicals, the plot
plays second fiddle-sometimes
1t seems that II isn't even I'm
the orchestra.
Bowery TO Broadw
sketches q diverting screen por-
trait of the greasepaint tribe
from the Gay Nineties to the
start of the Cory Forties.
The script of Blonde Fever"
gets lost In jungle Of
clinches-and no one misses it
Those who dreamed up a
dullodrama like THE Last
Ride" should be in the Hall Of
Fame--sweeping it.
QUOTATION Workmanship:
VI Anon: There are fewer vul-
gar women than men, but they
are more repulsive.
George Macdonald: You can't
live on amusement. II is the
froth on the water, an inch deep,
and then the mud.
Anon. The best throw of the
dice is TO throw them away.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
THESE DAYS

A MERICANS Of Polish origin
"A seem TO suffer the chagrin
of the deceived at the betrayal
of their cause.
II has been obvious since the
Teheran conference that so far
as the United States is con-
cerned, Stain is to have a free
hand in Poland.
The co-ordinating committee
Of American-Polish associations
in the East has sent me a tele-
gram which says:
"Our promises TO Poland were
renewed in the last political
compaign by the President him
self, and by some of his most
honored supporters :"
But that was during an elec-
tion campaign and bears no re-
lation to reality.
1t was like the various en-
dorsements of Palestine for the
Jews. or equality for the
Negroes - phrases pleasing TO
the ear but of no greater
moment than the heavings of
Frank Sinatra.
GO THE Poles are ditched.
~ They will accept what is be-
ing given TO them in this i'm
perialistic war and like it.
1t used TO be that he who
pays the piper calls the tune,
but that was in the horse and
buggy days.
In the new and rarefied dis
pensation in which we live,
those who take the coin do the
electing-and Stain has learned
plenty from that.
What the Polish situation
leads up to is the complete and
utter breakdown of Mr.. Roose-
velt's foreign policy, which, like
Woodrow Wilson's, was based
upon the idealistic assumption
that Europe was as weary Of
war as that savagery is repug-
nant TO us.
But Europe is not as weary
OF war as she is anxious to re-
establish the balance of power
which for centuries has been its
normal procedure in interna-
tional relations.
Furthermore, several Euro
pean states can exist only as
first-rate powers as long as they
continue TO be imperialistic
masters of colonial and semi
colonial areas. Nh \h
H Instead then OF a world or
ganization, instead Of the Allan
tic Charter, Mr.. Roosevelt got
out of this war the big three.
90
DUT even the big three leaves
- Mr.. Roosevelt as the third
wheel of a two-wheeled cart, for
he represents the United States.
which is the antithesis of Eu-
rope.
If you will go back 10 the
book Problems Of Lasting
Peace" by Herbert Hoover and
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

A LMOST confidential-As for
"A expectant mothers visualiz-
ing future children, a Los An
geles matron says she visualized
her expected infant as "a beau
tiful red-haired. blue-eyed girl"
And that is exactly what the
new arrival turned out TO be.
New Yorker says he tried 10
get horse race tips from his
ouija board but without sue
cess. An astonishing thing is
the board often names a living
racehorse but the animal Is
never entered in that days
races. AT other times when its
owner seeks a tip on the races
the board gives the answer:
Naughty naughty"
blessed events-Those who
- first saw the light of day in
such unusual places as taxicabs,
theaters, railroad stations, ETC.,
should form club. Trixie FRI
ganza (nee Della O'Callaghan)
could be president. She was
born in the railroad station at
La Cygne, Kan. Her father was
Irish and her mother was
Spanish.
ON THE Sioux City, Ia. team
" of the old Western League
there was an outfielder named
Ten Million.
A Californian who checks on
everything says she weighed
her attire including hat, gloves.
hose shoes and what grandma
called the 'unmentionables."
Total weight was a fraction
over two pounds.
Six thousand automobiles are
being junked daily in the
United States. BY the summer
OF 1945 100000 cars will be
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
BY Albert Edward Wiggam, DIS

by all means, bodily exer-
else. Over 200 bodily and mental
habits were studied by psychol-
ogist Henry Link with the aid
of so psychologists, and they
found that habits calling for
bodily activity-athletic games,
walking playing in bands, fish,
ing, ETC., were far more effec-
tive in developing personality
than such mental exercises as
listening 10 the radio, reading
stories, studying or going to the
movies Playing active team
games developes personality
better than any known activity,
these psychologists discovered.
2-That is the one thing they
lack the most of. as Octavus
Roy Cohenis characters would
say ii. They are buffers. pure
and simple. A self-confident
person, who feels he is equal to
anything that comes UP, espe-
cially dealing with other people.
doesn't buster, talk loudly or
pound the desk. Bull-heads are
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
WALTER WINCHELL Oh. On

paaah! She swears she really
has a mink coat abe found" in
the subway. Says she bought II
with the money she saved riding
subways instead Of cabs. Aw.
gwan!
Gov. Green of Illinois at Club
Is. Says he never LATED that
hard in his life.
Commissioner OF docks John
M C X Kenzie. He has served
N. Y. G. for 40 years. His offices
are at Pier a, a good stones
chuck from the Statue of Lib
erty, which he has never visited.
M-G-M writer II. Kernitz, who
pays war correspondent Bob
Casey $400 per week just TO
hear him discuss France lsince
the war; three hours daily.
THE Late Watch: Ingrid Hal
l. len, named managing editor
for the new mag, This Month
tdue soon), and Curt Riess, the
author-correspondent. were just
divorced. He soon goes overseas
again. She just signed him up
for articles!
The. soda -jerker in the drug
store at 55th and Sixth avenue
is an ex-middleweight champ
from California.
So many of Bennett Cerf's
gags in his new book collection
were taken from this and other
colyums that the wags are say
ing Cert must be writing for
"The Saturday Review of Lift
era-ture." -. Ha Ha, Cerfs him
righttttl
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

If YOU want my opinion. I
i think the War Production
Board is being too bloody cute.
If / only had a travel priority
! would 60 berserk.
Do you know what that play
full WPB has done? Now that
you can't get cigarets II has
lifted restrictions on cellophane
10 wrap them In
1 am turning this over to our
insult-to-injnry department and
I hope it takes appropriate ac-
ton. My idea Of fiendish re-
venge-which I am submitting
without charges that IL send
every executive in WPB an
empty butter carton for Christ
mas.
THIS had everybody in stitches
L when IL happened, but I do
not know il I can transmit the
full flavor to paper. For some
strange reason the things that
strike you the funniest often
fall flattest when committed 10
print.
guess the eye and the ear.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
UPTON CLOSE

THE bustup in the office of
l. the United Ctates attorney
general marks the lowest point
TO which that office has yet
fallen.
For a long time there has
been a growing split between
Mr.. Biddle and Mr.. Littell, as
sistant attorney general.
Young Norman Littell plays
close to the Wallace liberals.
and is darling Of the Presi-
dents daughter. Mrs. Anna
Boettinger.
Atty. Gen. Biddle plays close
10 CIO Sidney Hillman and
Phillip Murray
/ ITTELL was born in the
IL western state of Washing
ton.
Became a Rhodes scholar of
Oxford, followed that by travel
ing around the world as an able
seaman, and married a girl
from Louisiana who is a lawyer
in her own right-who was
studying the classics in Oxford
when he met her.
In his room in the attorney
generals offices in Washing.
ton, d. C., now being vacated,
Littell gives greater prominence
to his able-bodied seaman GER
tificate than TO his Oxford
diploma or license to practice
law.
Littell and his wife have been
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
=. v. DURLING

from s 10 is years old. How's
your jalopy getting along?
WRITES Edith Goggi Of
w Staten Island, N. Y:
"Somebody asked you tO
name jockey who wore q
mustache. You named my
brother, Charlie Goggi. You
just don't miss anything.
Charlie did have a mustache
for short time, but has since
shaved IL off,"
A Tujunga, Cal, subscriber,
has a dog that is a cross be-
tween a Doberman pinscher
and a German shepherd. This
dog helps on the farm by coll
lecting eggs. AS soon as he
hears a hen cackle he rushes to
her. picks up the egg and de-
posits il on the doorstep Of the
kitchen.
SARAH BERNHARDI old not
~ marry for the first time
until 80. In 1911, when 81, she
made her most sensational tour
of the United States. The thea
ter managers organized TO ban
her from their houses. So Sarah
gave all her performances in a
huge tent. This didn't hurt her
box office receipts. In Kansas
City she played to Sc, 98i in one
night. In Boston she did S39, COO
in a week.
GONE lawyers are too rough
~ on some witnesses. For ex-
ample, people who. having seen
an accident. are willing TO
testify in order that justice may
triumph. Even opposing law
yers should handle such wit
nesses with the utmost courtesy
and consideration. Perhap S
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
MARY HAWORTH'S MAIL

and I am more the enthusiastic
type who bubbles over--oc-
cas!onally with flashes of temper.
will admit.
Our different temperaments
made for some discord, but my
real problem is this: / have
always genuinely admired and
respected my husband; and
knew when we married that I
was choosing with my head.
But wonder II one misses
too much in marriage by fore
going the pleasures OF thrill
attraction?
He feels that way about me:
but 10 be frank. / love him more
as a brother.
Once when he was away for
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

called the most brilliant couple
in Washington"
They belong to the New Deals
intellectual aristocracy.
They are poor in this worlds
goods, giving no outward evi-
dence Of living on anything but
his salary.
THE Biddles, by contrast, be-
L long decidedly to the New
Deals social aristocracy.
Biddle is from old Philadel-
phia, in contrast to the new
state of Washington.
He is married to a woman of
wealth.
No one has ever accused him
of being Of particularly keen
intelligence.
the contrary, some Of his
best friends have referred to
him In genial fashion as a "hit
of a DOPE"
THE attorney general Of the
l. United States exists under
the Constitution to be legal
counsel to the chief executive
of the United States in protect
ing the Constitution, in defend
ing cases brought in the courts
against the United States gov
ernment with the express per-
mission of the Congress, and in
prosecuting those who violate
and defy laws passed by the
Congress.
The attorney generals office
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

BY DR.. Logan Clendening-

WITH ell the talk and bally-
w hoo about vitamins and the
beginning several dec
ades ago OF the custom of CIV
ing cod liver oil 10 children one
would think that such a defici-
ency disease Of children as
ricketts, would have disappeared.
But such Is not the case.
A group of Baltimore ply
scians, Drs. Falls. Jackson,
Eliot and Park. by making the
most careful and final tests on
a group of children showed that
46 per cent of them had some
degree Of rickets.
This was in recent years
when the knowledge about sun
shine and cod liver Oil had. or
should have, sunk in.
DICKETS in my young days
IL in the clinics was a preva-
lent and shocking condition.
When | was in London in 1911.
that city had the largest and
most instructive clinic on chill
dren's diseases in the world
II should have because IL
had the largest, filthiest, most
crowded and most disgraceful
slums in the world--at least
in any city that was supposed
10 be part Of great civilized
empire.
In these clinics the army Of
!. children with rlckets was
|Eenough TO make strong man
rput his head in his hands and
cry.
Bent limbs. deformed limbs,
bow legs, knock knees. bulging
skulls. knobs all along the ribs,
great white, pathetic. staring
eyes. or sobbingr crying, painful,
restless babies.
All this from q disease that
s cents worth Of knowledge
and 10 cents worth OF cod liver
oil would prevent entirely
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
A. L. P.-You recently stated
that ordinary badness was not
10 be confused with alopecia
areatea which is form Of bald
ness that can be cured. How
can alopecia areatea be distin-
guished and what is the cure?
AIN alopecia areatea there
is rapid and complete loss OF
hair In patches. Gradually on
the bald patches new hair grows
In. It occurs in people Of any
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

three months. I honestly didn't
miss him a bit; but / do feel
affection for him.
II almost pains me TO write so
intimately about our marriage,
but / feel I must settle my con-
fusion of mind.
My husband offers me se-
curity, respect from friends and
a sort of companionship.
II we have a family. will I
always be looking. or wishing,
for something else?
Am I foolish to be wondering
IL / should break away?
could easily enough.
Or should try TO content
myself with the good husband
and friend I have? w. j.
DEAR w j.:
VOU are in the position OF
L spoiled child bored With an
embarrassment of riches.
You are too well-eherished by
your husband 10 appreciate his
staggering importance TO you.
=Aitthat stands In The way
of your feeling "a thrill at
traction" towards him Is the
fact that from the beginning of
your association until now, he
has assiduously anticipated and
catered TO your basic wants or
needs before definite hunger for
them had time to register on
your consciousness.
BY your vainglorious pre-
sumption to petted darling
status, In relation to this stead
fast man, you have needed him
into one-and one only-dis-
agreeable attitude. which, when
it's cause Is understood. trans
fers the analysts sympathy
away from you to him.
VI. II.
EDITORS NOTE-Mary Ha-
worth esunssis through her coll
snn; not BY mail or personal
infsroisv. Write her in care Of
The Detroit Times.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
By George E.
Sokolsky

Hugh Gibson, published in 1912,
you will find that their prophecy
of things to eventuate out OF
this war was closer to what we
now envisage than anything
that emanated brom the White
House.
Poland must now be in the
Slavic league.
Mr.. Roosevelt failed in any
practical implementation Of his
idealistic palavers and Poland
is hopeless.
That is the reality OF the
situation and therefore Poland
today has no alternative but
Stalin-and like ii.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
BROADWAY BALLAD

ss vs wers happy for a little
White =.
And found the towr gay,
p1eiting place,
But kappiHess, of course, goes
out Of style
And magic leaves a fresh,
enchanted face! I A
And now the nights are portents
OF dismdy
And inns hare lost their
color and their lnre,
And zoe vho had so many things
TO say,
Are silent children, sulien and
unsure.
So goes IL aud our lesson
must be learned
That rapture fades and mock
cry is cold >.
That life holds many bridges TO
be burned
And fddiers ask their pay in
purest gold =.
And those who play at love must
be dUdre
That paths are roug h-dnd
brdmbies scratch and tear!
Don VAIN.
EACES About Town: Judy
4 Garland. who always looks
like a startled faun. Some faun,
huh
In Sardi's: Diva Helena Bliss
OF Song Of Norway" She looks
the way an angel sings and sings
the way an angel looks.
Choo-Choo Johnson, the Co
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
Brain Game Answers


Albania. ----..--.-.-- -
Purdue is famous for its en-
gineering college and the
nickname "boilermaker" In
sometimes used in jest to de.
scribe an engineering stu
dent.
3LRobert Louis Stevenson.
4EMoss Hart.
5-True.
6-Stephen.
7-Silent Night, Gruber; Joy to
the World. Handel; Harkl
the Herald Angels Sing
Mendelssohn.
S-Goethe.
Copyright. 1s44. BY King Features
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

age, even quite young. The
treatment usually given Is by
sunlight, ultraviolet light and
other light treatments. and by
stimulating external applica
tions containing sulphur. resor-
Gin, capsicum or tar. But the
condition usually runs its course
not much influenced by treat
ment.
r. w. f. Ist what part OF
the state Of California would be
best for hay fever and asthma ?
Answer-Those who live in
the Middle West and suffer
there from the typical hay fever
that prevails from August to
October will not suffer from
that type anywhere in Califor-
MIA. However, they should know
that California has its own
kinds of asthma from plants
and some of my patients who
move there pick up new
variety. However, it is not
severe or common.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

suffering from inferiority, and
feel they have to put on a bold.
hard-fisted front to get by.
3-It is often said that by
doubling the number who 60
through high school we have
drawn on lower levels Of in
telligence. In 1912 psychologist
F. II. Finch gave to 1921 high
school students the same test
MILLER Mental Agility Test)
given to 651 students in 1929.
The 1912 students scored ~
points higher DR.. Finch thinks
from this that the former
students were not selected from
those of top intelligence any
more than they are today. The
higher mental scores today may
be partly because the harder
studies we have now keep out
pupils of lower mental ability.
Copyright. 1884. John Y. Dine Co
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

DEAR MARY HAWORTH:
I'VE been married seven years
i 10 a fine. well-liked man.
He is a good husband has
always loved me very much and
gives me almost anything I
want.
His only fault Is that, since
the day we married. he has
constantly tried In quite
nagging way TO change me to
his way of thinking and re-
acting.
1 try to see his viewpoint and
accept II when I sincerely can;
but I feel a right 10 my own
personality at times.
He Is serious and settled. al
though he enjoys good times;
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

LIQUOR
No. te-vand through Dec. Is.
Bonus E-vsiid Dec, ls through Dec. il.
fROCEssED FOODS
Blue A through B-1-valid indeh-
MEATS. CHEgsg. FATS
Red A-s throurh s-s-valid Indefinitely.
one ID. salvage fat good for cents
and tvo meat ration points.
Stamp 30, Ne. Book-S los for can
ming through FEB. as. le45.
Spare stamp ~. No. book-vslid
for maximum of 20 lbs. for esnninE.
Apply local board.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
On the
Side

they, too, might be able TO use
such a witness some day. Many
who see accidents happen and
crimes committed do not volun-
teer 10 testify as they do not
want TO be verbally kicked
about and Inundated by oppo-
sition lawyers.
TTIE Susquehanna River has
Il not been entirely ignored
by modern song writer's, "Sil-
very Susquehanna" is the name
of a ditty written about three
years ago by Ann Smith and
James Kendis. The latter also
wrote I'm Forever Blowing
Bubbles. u
Now l have a reader in Mag
ara Falls, N. Y. Must ask him
to check as 10 whether the ho-
tells in his town are doing much
honeymoon business these days.
QUERIES from clients. O.
VI In a book titled How to
Raise Chickens" il says the
average United States hen pro-
duces 1873 eggs a year. You
say IS. How about this dis
crepancy?
A-Up TO recently the aver
age produced about IS eggs o
year. Lately this has been
stepped up To around 100. Has
never reached the figure you
mention.
Q-What is your favorits
opera?
A-StilI La Boheme.
Q-Why not include Fay
Templeton in your famous
actresses from Pittsburgh.
A--Fay did live In Pittsburgh
for a time but she was born In
Little Rock, Ark.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
Detroit Times Rationing Timetable

GASOLINE
a Coupon iS--t sailona valid through
Dec. al.
a Coupon i4-4 gais. valid Dec. al
through Mar. Al.
"a and ca Ccupons-s gallons each.
B-e and C-B Coupons--S gallons each.
tLav requires stats name and license
when received.
FUEL OIL
peried f-vaiid through Sept. 30.
1n45.
Period and 1-vslid Dec. Is.
SHOES
Airpisne stamps q, . and 1-Valid
- indefinitely. ------
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11
Connolly Answers

Ia. 2-b. 3-a. &C. SC.
6-(a) The Merchant OF
Venice" (b) "As You Like
It." (c) Twelfth Night"
I'D Hamlet" (e) "Cymbe.
line" o
Copyright. 1914. BY King Features
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

rHE DETROIT TIMES C-7
{, Dee. 1874
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

EDITORS NOTE-Mary Ha-
worth esunssis through her col.
smn; not BY mail or personal
inssroisW. Write her in care Of
The Dstroit Times.
Detroit evening times., 1944-12-11

/ ITTELL was born in the
~ western state of Washing