Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1943-01-25
|McLemore
Says You Cont Beot
| Those Willy Dutch
BY HENRY McLEMORE.
'ou can't beat the Dutchl


Certainly you can't beat them
when 1t comes TO thinking up novel
ways to hinder and harass the enc
my. From Holland via Switzerland
came report not so long ago that
Dutch industrial workers have been
urged by their underground leaders
to be sure to blow their noses
several times a day.
1t seems that some Nazi-hater
with fair for statistics had figured
out that II thousands Of Dutch
workers took minute or two of
each day to blow their noses
whether they wanted to or not, that
it would cost the Nazis countless
thousands of man-working hours
each year and seriously hamper the
production of war material.
This set me to thinking, and out
of my thinking came the conviction
that we, right here in the United
States, are wasting untold hours
which could be devoted to our own
war effort by yielding to such things
as the sneeze, the cough, the yawn
and the clearing of the throat.
Take the sneeZe, for example. A
minimum of ID battleships could be
built in the time Americans waste
/ sneezing each year. AS patriots. we
either should learn to sneeze in a
hurry or to stifie the sneeze al
together. The average American
takes a full minute to complete
| sneeze. know this to be true be-
cause have clicked dozen or more
representative sneezes with a stop
watch.
The sneeze, according to my re-
search, is divided into four parts.
First, there is the warning that
the sneeze Is coming OIL. This lasts
about 10 seconds and you can tell
when a man has heard the signal
by the fact that he straightens him.
self up and gets a slightly wild look
in his eyes.
Second, is the face wrinkling
period. The sneezer-to-be shuts his
eyes, shifts in short little shifts,
opens his mouth. puts his hand to
his face, and finally gasps. The
average time for this phase Is %
seconds.
The third part is the sneeze itself,
and my study has convinced me
that the 20 seconds required for
this Is not entirely necessary, and
takes such long time only because
Americans like the sensation of
sneezing and draw it out as long as
possible. I am quite sure (and DR..
Paltry B. Plumber of Weatherstrip-
ping, Ohio, one of the worlds rec
ognized authorities on sneezing and
skeet shooting, is in complete agree
ment with mel that the sneeze could
be completed in half the time.
The fourth, and final, phase Of
the sneeze-the recovery-requires
8 seconds on the average. 1t could
easily be cut to seconds If sneezers
would only quit trying to look as If
they hadn't sneezed right after
they had sneezed. -Four seconds,
at least, are wasted on this phoney
effort.
NOW we will consider the possibili-
ties OF sitting the sneeze altogether.
There are numerous ways and
means Of doing this, the most COM
mon, perhaps, being the business
OF pressing the upper lip with the
fingers. Sometimes this works and
sometimes it doesn't. My research,
some of which was conducted on
myself, has convinced me that a
man is playing with dynamite when
ne tries to smother sneeze. True.
9 out of 100 can be smothered. but
that one that isn't smothered. the
one that stands up for its rights as
a sneeze, is a dangerous fellow.
| L think can say without fear
OF contradiction that a trapped"
sneeze Is one of the most vicious
things in the world. BY trapped
sheeze L mean one that, foiled in
It's efforts to escape, runs berserk
IN the nose, head, eyes, ears and
throat of its owner. Personally r
would rather have a wolf loose In
my head than a frustrated sneeze.
1t beats at your eardrums, claws at
your nose. slides into your throat
with Its spikes up and finally ex-
plodes somewhere in your head with
a roar like ice breaking In an Arc
tic sea.
| 1 would advise that we Americans
hurry our sneezes rather than try
to stifle them.
Now for the cough and yawn. A.
DR.. Paltry B. Plumb ..K-k-k-k-er
choooooo.
Who am to talk about hurrving
the sneeze? 7 should be ashamed
OF myself. That one took me
minute and IL seconds.
Distributed by McNausht Syndicate. me,
|