Evening star., 1943-03-03

dbbCAupJ W uSO
- the telephone
Henry MeLemsrs. over here to
realize English hostility toward cleo
tricity. Nearly every Enslishman
has a telephone in his home, but 1t
is chiefly there for ornamentation.
He buys 1t as he would rug or an
end table or a picture of Queen Vic
toria. He has no idea Of ever
contracting any one with 1t, but he
just thinks it looks pretty. As
matter OF truth, experiments have
proved that you can usually reach
a distant party more quickly through
an end table or picture OF Queen
Victoria than you can by the tele-
phone.
The nrst hurdle to clear when
using the English telephone is get
ting the operator. Operators over
here don't sit at switchboards and
give all their attention to the buzz
ing lights. With them. watching
the switchboard Is part time Job.
Some OF them are housewives and
answer your call only when the
children have been packed of to
school and the house tidied. Others
are stenographers and the speed
with which they ask for your num-
ber depends on the length Of letters
they have to type The best thing
to do after picking up the receiver
to make call is to curl up with
good book or take nap.
Real Trouble Begins.
1t is after finally rousing the oper-
ator and giving your number that
real trouble begins. however. Eng.
lish operators consider 1t unfair to
all other numbers in the book just
to call one tiny little number so
they call them all. II you call
Kensington 3027 you can rest as
sured she'll call Paddington 3027
and Barkley 3027 and all the other
exchanges to see to 1t that no ex.
change has It's feelings hurt.
Thirty minutes after you have
picked up the receiver you have q
$3.50 chance OF getting your num-
Der through. The record for getting
a number is 21 minutes, but 1t was
established by Prime Minister
Churchill and is not considered
official. Every one feels he had to
throw his weight around quite .
bit to get connected 80 quickly.
But getting your party does not
mean you are going to talk. In fact.
1t is almost guaranteed that you
aren't. There is a tremendous bond
of friendship between the telephone
and radio. Here. no sooner does
your party answer Are you there?"
than the BIC comes in with a news
broadcast or 15-minute program of
dance music.
I have tried to make my voice
heard over dance music 80 often
that now flnd myself talking in
swing and asking some one to din
ner In q voice that sounds like a
trumpet solo. Often the voice Of
Lord Haw Haw will break into the
conversation and start explaining
what an attractive place Germany is
and how the whole retreat on the
Russian front Is a masterful bit Of
planning on the part Of the general
staff.
When Men Go Mad.
These are but just q few OF the
noises that you hear when talking.
They are the man-made ones. There
are mechanical ones by the thou
sands as II scores OF tomcats were
scrapping. Sounds as II the ice were
breaking In the Arctic Ocean.
Sounds Of a log jam. And, just
when you have pitched your voice
to point where 1t will overcome
these weird noises. you are always
cut OF. 1t can be said without fear
Of contradiction that no one, even
His Majesty, has ever completed a
call without being cut of at least
once.
1t Is in the English telephone pay
stations that men go mad. However.
the booths are wisely placed outside
on the street so that those wwho try
to use them can occasionally rush
out into the fresh air and be revivei
or taken into custody by a bobby.
The mechanism OF the English pay
station is patterned after the worst
features of the juke box, slot ma
chine, linotype and automat.
One OF the saddest cases of the
war involves an American ofIicer. 4
graduate of the Massachusetts 1nsti-
tute of Technology. who tried to
use one and Is now in a nursing
home in the Midlands. He was given
II consecutive wrong numbers and
couldn't get his money back.
Oh, to be In England when elec-
tricity Is accepted!
distributed by McNausht Syndicate. he)