davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
True to Type


Neither did Pete. But ironically.
poverty had held them together
and now a decent living was
about to separate them.
Came a night, then. that
Pete worked late. He had TO
fill out several government
forms. and Miss Brooke. his
secretary. stayed 10 help him.
1t was II o'clock before they
were through. and Pete
naturally offered to drive her
home.
Miss Brooke smiled family
and said that would be fine
except that she hadn't eaten
and was. hungry, Pete wanted
TO get home 10 TeSsie, but he
couldn't help himself in this
situation. So he said all right,
he'd take her to eat.
They went to late restau-
rant and, while they were sit
ting down. her compact fell out
of her purse.
TOO big" Miss Brooke
pOuted. "Will you hold il for
me, please"
why note" said her boss.
Pete put the compact in his
coat pocket. He and Miss
Brooke ate. and talked shop.
and then he drove her home.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Asking

Queries From Clients. q. You
name Greta Carlo. Greer Gar
son and Ingrid Bergman as the
three feminine finn stars most
proficient in love scenes. Is IL
something more than a coin
cidence that all these three
stars are Swedish? A. Greta
and Ingrid are Swedish but
Greer was born i'm the North
of Ireland. q. am eighteen.
work in a shipyard in San
Francisco. Why is IL married
men seem, at this time, more
inclined than ever 10 step out
on their wives? II is making
me cynical about marriage.
A. At the moment. i have not
the answer TO your question.
Our Men e. Mules Department
has been instructed TO check
on IL. A married man can be
inclined 10 step OUT but
nothing will come Of il unless
ne receives some feminine CO.
operation. II may be the
shortage Of male escorts is
making some women not too
particular who they 90 out
with. In normal times ninety
eight per cent Of single girls
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Happy Home

II hope To bequeath 10 my
children the following" writes
Ralph r. Maloney Of San Fran
cisco.
II. The memory of a happy
home with unselfish parents
who have never failed them in
any way and brothers and Sis
ters who have formed a life
long bond with each other.
Part Of this home life has been
the application Of their faith
to every phase Of living.
"2. True friends with whom
they may share their joys and
SORROWS.
"3. An education i'm the field
or profession of their choice.
"a. Enough Of an estate 10
maintain the home until each
starts on his new life and per
haps enough for my sons 10
establish a business or prac-
tice II they so desire.
"5. Happiness - both the
power to create and TO accept
il and. above all. the UNDER
standing necessary to be abs
To share &C."
Ralph p. Maloney. age "a,
707 26th ave. San Francisco,
Cal.
$3.50 price
csSrsAt rsi5 EiSs Features sSudiss.. ,.ss
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

headwaiter personally brought
over a freshly baked lemon pie
Colonna, seething, inquired If
he had any more. The head
waiter dispatched a waiter who
returned with four more. CO.
lonna took them and hurled
them. one at a time. into the
startled headwaiter's face.
LUCKY MILLINDER is fond
of the luxurious mode Of living
and once baked at staying
over at a delapidated hotel be-
cause the towns other inns
Disseminated against the COL
ored race. So he wrapped an
expensive towel around his
head-pinned in what APP
peared to be a huge ruby
right in the center-and
marched Stiffly into the towns
swankiest hotel, followed by a
similarly decorated lackey CHS
valet who announced Puniab
Millandy. Indian potentate.
Millinder stayed a week. was
fused over and petted. until
one night. a rumpus was heard
in his room. and attendants
came dashing up and broke in.
Millinder was asleep but shout
ing in his sleep and tossing
about. He was cussing in good
old unmistakable HarlemeSe-
and the masquerade was over.
MORTON DOWNEY is a
confirmed practical Joker. once
he made Ted HuSing GO
through a striptease act while
HuSing was broadcaSting an
important sports story As
Ted read from his typed script.
Downey removed his tie. then
his shirt, then his trousers.
HuSing couldn't move from the
mike-nor implore for help.
He kept reading while Downey
kept disrobing him and at the.
end, was Gown to his shorts
ARTURO TOSCANINI once,
upon entering restaurant in
Rome. asked DO you have
muSic?" The owner replied
yeS-a yiolinist and a guitarist.
Al this point. the duo started
playing whereupon Toscanini
barked. Stop them. l do
not want 10 hear music" The
oyerzealous manager not only
stopped them--he fired them.
Months later. ToScanini learned
about the disaster he had
brought upon the young mu-
Sicians. He could only locate
one-Renato the puitariSt. He
hired him. giving hin a lob
IN his own orchestra al the
opera IN Florence
orsubvtss ~ S'ss f,''ur'' s,.a,..i. I,.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
How Would You
Handle Hitler?

Okay. Young America,
here's the chance you've
been waiting for - the
chance 10 tell the world
what you'd like TO do 10
Adolf Hi,lerl
When the bombs smoke
Herr Hitler out of his lair
at Berchtesgaden we all
hope that swift and sure
punishment will be await
ing him. But what pun
ishment' If you had your
way, what would be the
fate of the man who is
hated as no man has ever
been hated before'
Make your answer short,
not more than 100 words,
sign full name, give your
age (not over 3o) and adj
dress and send il TO Elsie
Robinson in care of this
paper. Prizes for all an
swers published. Contest
closes one week from
today.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

Pat Murphy OF brooklyn winch
show that those who have chill
dren at least are taking a long
look ahead and making plans.
Mrs. Murphy's question was
What legacy would YOU like
to leave your children" And
here are some OF the answers
arrived at obviously after much
sober reflection.
First comes Monica Jane
Affleck of Chicago. naming
faith in God as the finest leg
acy any child can inherit.
Dear Elsie Robinson:
when I die l hope To leave
my sons an unsuitable trust
in God because IL will give
: them las IL has given mel the
peace that money, property,
even education cannot give.
Money and property are too
easily lost and education alone
does not always bring success
and happiness. But trust In God
will give our children An inner
calm In the midst Of a warning
world even though their family
be scattered as ours is now.
Faith tDiH help them place
q truer Udludtion on the things
Of this World and the nert. II
losses come faith tDiU oipe
them courage 10 make a netO
start.
Naturally I hope my chill
dren will not be left In want.
I hope they will have the
necessities and some Of the
comforts of life. But these in
themselves do not bring the
happiness which comes from
the sustaining spiritual
strength which faith bestows."
Monica Jane MRS. Donald)
Affleck-age 25
1922 s. Maryland. Chicago. III.
$1,000 price
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Passing BY

Marta Egoerth. Songbird
Marta says her husband, Jan
Riepurd, IS "a perfect husband"
because every morning ne
"a X e S up laughing. 10 IS
fell0i0S Ike that iuho make IL
tough for the rest OF us.
don't iCGke up. I don't rake
up laughing. smile a little
after ! hare taken ShoiDer
bath, but I don't start laugh
mo until after nv first cup OF
coffee.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

Some of the Senators who
went out TO the battle zones
are back home yelling, Boo"
That d0esn't- surprise any
body.
The whole idea Of a poll
tician's trip is 10 find mistakes,
and anyway, office holders al
ways prefer sensation To sense.
But nobody cares about that.
A politico has to be loud Ia be
elected. and free speech gives
him the right to yell his head
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Explanation

TeSSie finished her pudding
and wiped her mouth.
It's funny thing, Pete"
She said. when times were
tough, ] used to console my
self by making up excuses for
not wanting money. You know
how poor kid looks i'm a
candy window and says: I'm
sure glad I don't have 10 eat
all that candy cause Id be
sick like a dog
well. used 10 do that
about dough. used TO say
TO myself that We amt got a
dime. but we're happy-and
then I'd tell myself that II we
ever got To have money we'd
probably fight about IL all the
time and wish we were poor
again.
Yeah. Pete. that's what
used 10 say TO myself. 1t was
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

SJeauy ITlCkle OF money COinluB
their way until it grew 10 the
size Of a small cascade.
1t was their dough-dough
acquired by leasing a broken
down old machine shop with a
lathe. a punch press, and a
gasoline motor with a belt
drive. It was war contract
dough. but it was honest and
solid
Now Pete had eleven men
working for him and four
women breaking in as appren-
tees Now Pete could write a
check with a number and two
zeroS without having IL bounce
in his face. Now Petes sober
face relaxed into a rare smile.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

loafer 10 the satellite govern
ments. They all have just one
thing in common-they do us
as much damage as they can.
From ten years of fighting
the Axis this reporter thinks
he can identify the enemy.
In my opinion. the two most
dangerous Axis stooges (our
greatest menace) are Spain
and Argentina. Spain is in
this war, regardless of what
SPANS apologists tell you.
SPANS soldiers are fighting
the Allied nations on their
most critical front. Franco
knows that If Hitler succeeds
in Russia it will cost the lives
OF hundreds OF thousands OF
American boys. Yet Franco.
the notorious effeminate pup
pet OF Hitler, keeps a full divi-
sion in the field-though he
always promises To br'7q II
home The other Axis stooge.
Argentina, knows that the spy
system she has permitted can
only result in the drowning
OF American men. These
Spanish countries, Spain and
Argentina. are not neutrals!
One is killing our Allies and
the other permits as.-----.-+
TO the killing of our men.
1t is time that Franco was
told TO get his Blue Division
out OF Russia or expect us TO
put him out Of Spain. And 1t
is certainly time that Argen-
tina, the migrate, be informed
that the outstretched hand OF
the good neighbor also has a
trigger finger.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

OF a sand trap. he finally
blasted out-into the water
hazard. Enraged. he threw his
club into the lake. then the
bag with the other clubs. then
pushed The jeering Crosby and
Whiteman in--and as a climax
jumped in him self
TOMMY ROCKWELL, who
until recently handled the deS-
tiny of Frank Sinatra and still
has Perry Como under his wing
Gas well as other choice bits of
human property once guided
the Mills Brothers. On one oc-
caSion. he booked the quartet
for a dance in South Carolina
and as is customary. asked for
something in advance against
the guaranteed payment. The
sponsors of the dance had no
ready cash but as a sign Of
good faith turned over a deed
10 half interest in an extensive
piece Of property, TO be re-
deemed by good, hard cash
after the receipts came in. The
affair was successful but when
Mr. Rockwell came forward
hopefully 20 exchange the deed
for money. he was informed
Sorrowfully that unfortunately
the expenses had absorbed all
the profits. Therefore would he
please retain possession OF his
half Of the valuable property.
That's how Tommy Rockwell
came into half interest in a
Negro cemetery in Carolina.
GOODMAN ACE first came
10 know Jack Benny. whose
voice over the air-and offs
nearest 10 Aces - and vice
verSa-when Goody was a dra-
matte critic In Kansas City and
Benny was a vaudeville actor.
When Benny wired that he was
finally opening AZ the Palace in
New York Ace wired back 1T
used 20 take Japs or better 20
open" Came a letter from
Benny: Your gag got big
laugh Enclosed is check for
$50. II you have any more gags
please send them along" Ace
sent back the check with this
note. Your check got a big
laugh. II you have any more
material send it along
JERRY COLONNA used 70
be a trombone player who. &C
cording 20 legend, landed jobs
with name bands chiefly be-
cause his mad antics were so
amusing He has one violent
sntipathy - toward lem n
meringue pies. The sight Of one
Is like the red banner 10 a bull.
once, AZ an exclusive restau-
rant in Chicago. a SOLICITORS
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

and spiritually as well as mate
rally"
Edward McLeod-age 26,
1889 Antoinette. Detroit. Mich.
$50 price
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

off So these reports are be-
ing interpreted by some as
proof Of the Administrations
bungling, and that leaves
things about the way they were
before the Senators went
away. ..
Nobody wants to muzzle the
trippers. They went out to
dig the data, and IL some of
their findings aren't SO pretty.
that's too bad for all Of US.
So let's have them. minus any
rose cOloring.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Wepi With Jog

Tcssie was glad; so glad
that sometimes she wept--and
then laughed at herself for cry
ing 1t had been eighteen years
now and she had never known
a time when she could spend
more than 1898 on a dress or
SO for a pair of shoes. She had
never known a time when she
could look longingly at any
thing without asking fearsome-
ly. How much, please?"
But now it was different. Now
she could spend. Now she was
Mrs. Peter Grico. whose hus-
band was a contractor.
Now, indeed, life was fine
and big
Pete pushed his dinner plate
away and lit a cigarette.
Look. hon" he said. II
don't want TO be crabby. But
don't YOU think YOU ought To
take II little easy in the
dough department."
She looked up from the rice
pudding and there was fight
IN her eyes.
Meaning WHAT" she asked
softly.
Meaning this" he replied
evenly. You're spending too
much money. You tossed out
twenty lone bucks on dress
this week and YOU paid sixty
for coat. ! amt made of
money. hon. This is just war
stuff. IL amt gonna last for
ever"
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Almost Confidential

Now they are selling dogs on
the inSta 'ment plan. Fine idea.
But suppose a man who had a
dog only half paid for lost his
Job. Think how that little dog
would worry about the next in
stallment Man who worked
in a wa plant during the Span
ish- american War said he was
paid twelve dollars a week and
sometimes. with overtime, made
fifteen dollars week AS
10 the song The BOwery' hav-
ing been sung In a Trip 10
Chinatown. writes Queenie
Fassar, know you are right
because i played in that COM
edy for two years.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

A gadget has been invented
10 put on a ROSTERS neck TO
stop him Growing in the morn
ing and waking people up.
Cruelty TO animals ! call it.
Let the ROSTERS crow in the
morning but do something
about stopping those loud ra-
dio players at midnight. OF
the eight most popular books
published between 1875 and
1885 Gene Stratton Porter
wrote four; THE Girl of the
Limberlost," 1.-The Harvester"
"FreckleS" and "Laddie." The
other four were; Tom Sawyer"
by Mark Twain. ben Hur." by
Lew Wallace" I'm His Steps
bv Charles M Sheldon. and
The Winning OF Barbara
WORTH by Harold Bell Wright,
Distributed hy KinE Features syndi-
cate, Inc.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

Jays, ana lne nopeleSS DAYS
eSSie and Pete watched the
just make believe, like. Please
don't make IL turn out TO be
true"
Spend IL
"Okay, hon" he murmured.
"You win. because you're
taIkin' sense. We've got a
little money now. and we can
forget poverty because il amt
gonna happen to us again,
maybe. But if the big blOwOff
does come, We can always sit in
a lean-tO somewhere and talk
about the swell times we had
when we were in the chips.
80 go TO II, Tess. Get out
and spend It,"
That, however, was only the
first d iScussio Pete's
"okay" failed to stick. Tessie
tried to spend less, but Pete
kept on beefing and beefing.
He grew angrier. and made
scenes. and sulkeo until it be-
gan to look as though their
marriage would hit the rocks.
Tessie didn't want it to end.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

Just the same there's an air
OF the stacked deck about the
situation. The blasts hit the war
strategists. and that means that
the world hears only one side
OF the argument. The strate-
gistS can't offer a defense be-
cause, as any dope knows. that
would put the blueprints in the
mitts of Toto and Hitler. For
that reason we agree with Wal
ter bippmann that these blasts
be considered by a special COM
mission. Then something could
be done about them. with ths
attacked officials getting a fair
shake of answering them. The
way it is now. they make fine
fuel for the lunatic FINGERS who
peddie every charge TO their
suckers as gospel truth.
Frinstance. Mr.. Lippmann
can't 70 for Senator Lodges
widest claim. Senator Lodg,
Is quoted that IL would prevent
1000, 900 American casualties IL
Russia squared off 10 Japan. :.
Mr.. Lippmann doesn't believe
il. and he submits a lot Of COM
pelling figures on why IL
wouldn't be exactly smart for
Russia to take on another army
He also wonders II Senator
Lodge has been canny in jerk
ing Russia's whiskers just be-
fore the forthcoming Moscow
eonferenee--when good feeling
among all the United Nations
Is SO important.
Distributed by kinE Features syndt-
cate. Inc.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
I'm Sorry

n m Sorry
Honest. Pete" Jessie cried.
I'm sorry. l didn't mean TO
snOOp. was just hangin' up
your coat when the darn thing
fell out.
II haven't even looked at IL
yet. ! just got so mad that I
put ii on the table there and
waited for YOU 10 come home.
Gee, Pete. I ShOulda known bet
ter. After all these years"
Pete grinned over her Shout
der. The gag had worked -.
The next afternoon, TeSsie
packed her things and left
Pete. There was note on
the table when Pete arrived
home. All it said was: Good
bye. Theresa" She always
used her formal name when
she was angry
There was no reconciliation.
The buSt-up was complete. Be-
yond doubt. both parties will
live unhappily ever after, be-
cause they both love each
other. But in her divorce COM
plant. after telling of her
MANY arguments with her huS-
band about money. TesSie
further states:
THE eliminating stingineSS
on the part Of the respondent
came two DAYS before my
birthday. He. was making ex-
cellent mOney-and yet he
brought home. as a gift, a two
dollar compact. which I priced
the next day In a drug store"
Copyright 1913. hing Features syndicate. inc.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
One Foot in the Aisle
BY Arthur Bugs Bacr
GREAT LAUGHS IN THE THEATRE

don't know whether I'm funny But if you judge impair
TALLY by the lines they stole off then be- have
the theatre heard of gee that would eurd
densed milk six miles And Believe 1t the Marching
Rpleys laughed with them my stuff
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Young America Speaks
By Elsie Robinson

Young people don't spend much time thinking Of that
distant day when they'll depart from this earth but here
letters in response to question posed by Mrs
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
JEAN INGELOW.

avoid the too ardent attentions
of married men.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Up and Do,on
BROADWAY
BY Walter WincheIl


TO fight the Axis effectively, you must know how the
Axis fights Its first weapon is not the bomber tank.
is the Stooge And sooges vary from the street
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Sarcastic Smile

"Oh. thiS?" he said. pointing
and trying to chucklc. This?
Is this what's got YOU sOre?"
He was stalling, and TeSSie
knew it She Just smiled Sar-
caStically and said nothing.
This" he said. repeating
himself over and over. His
mind was oh Igging at ter
rifle rate.
"Oh. this. Well. now that
you've found it. l guess you've
spoiled the surprise completely.
i should have kept IL at the
office"
TesSie blinked. "SurpriSe?"
she echoed. What surpriSe?"
This compact" he returned.
"Your birthday is only two
days off, and you didn't think
I'd forget il. did you? I went
out and bought that compact
myself and il I'd had any
brains, I'd have kept II in my
office"
TeSsie went over TO her man
and put her arms around him.
Pete began TO breathe nor
mally again. He made a men
tai VOW that secretaries
pretty or not-would have 20
find their own way home az
night.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
New York Capalcade
BY Louis SObOI


Joe Venuti genius of the violin, played round OF COLL
years ago with Bing Crosby and Paul Whiteman At
the Sth hole after wasting three strokes trying to get out
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
Short Story

TT VAS OVER now The hard days done The
days and the eateSs days and the hopeless days
all bitter history. Now Jessie and Pete watched the
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

Ben was a comedian and a
pretty fair one too.
The Union Station in Kan
sas City was so long in build
ing that a tag line | gave Lew
Dockstader in 1920 had them
bleeding in the aisles. II went
over to the Union Station and
fell in the hole
1t was at this same Union
Station that Pretty Boy Floyd
and his pals massacred the
government men. Maybe, they
were aiming at me and Dock
stader.
If | ever happen across a
comedian who can sock over
a laugh like Dockstader or Nat
Wills | will go to work on
him and you will see a comic
Of the old school.
OF course. the biggest laughs
are situation laughs. But for
the artistic delivering of
gag we have to go back 20 the
old-timers who learned their
trade in vaudeville.
When the theatre patron
laughs he thinks the comedian
is funny, THE REAL COMIC
is THE MAN WHO WROTE
THE LINE.
Distributed bY Aims Features sfndi-
rate, Inc.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

I gave that TO Ben Bernie
in a poker game at the old
Frisrs Club. From then on
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24
staff Photo.

When he reached his own
home, he undreSsed quickly
and hit the hay for a just sleep.
He was exhausted
He didn't see TeSsie the next
morning-but when he came
home that evening. he Smelled
the ice in the air. He walked
into the living room, and it
took only a minute or so to
notice the glittering compact
on the table.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

One of the best was during
famous Presidential cam
paign, "Poeahontas, you did
something for John Smith.
Why don't you do something
for his brother, Alp"
Another was, Sauce for the
goose is apple sauce for the
gander."
HE has memory like an
elephant. But what has an
elephant to remember' Pea
nuts"
He looked up his family
tree and found he was the sap"
"She was a good girl and
would 60 no place without her
mother, But ma would 60 any
place"
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

The biggest laughs in thea
tres are local and topical.
There never was a more sus-
tanned one than a line at the
time that Jimmy Walker had
beaten Red Mike Hylan for
the Mayorslty. Walker did
the Hylan fling"
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-10-24

just make believe. like. Please
don't make II turn out TO b
true"