davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
Bner's Morning Lament
Remember Coffee?
Folks Used to Drink 1t
BY ARTHUR BUGS" BAER

got to thinking about coffee this morning. figured
inch off the top is than inch off the bottom
because the cup is curved.
I've tried every of making my coffee last Here
vital statistics To my surprise found there
only two saucerfuls to the cup.
If you make it last longer there 35 spoonfus
the cup mean the small teaspoon.
The worst coffee tasted In France The best
Vienna with ggobers That's the way spell IL.
coffee with heavy running the platter into
the walters shoes.
The honest waiter always emptes his shoes back into
cup 80 there is evaporation in transit.
That coffee good they charged you 10 cents for
walking past the place and smelling.
The ersaz stuff they dream up today is something out
of the Borgas cookbook The time has when romantic
coffee and pistols for two. The coffee is too
dangerous.
Chcory coffee They throw away better stuff than
that in upstate sawmills.
love order caneful of doughnuts and cup
of coffee in lunch roll sleeves and dunk to
the elbow Now can't push doughnut into ersatz coffee
The doughnut bends.
Mayor LaGuardia should yesterdays grounds.
We're not playing baseball. We're drinking coffee.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
(seneraI-Cussing
Old Stuff i'm Army

sent out, and that little OF the
old bulleroo in there will do no
harm.
In any event, I like to think
that the boys no longer cuss
their generals, or that they cuss
at all, because army cuSsing has
not been sufficiently improved
in the past 100 years to make
il novel or interesting.
T BELIEVE our Gen. George
Il Patton Jr. is accounted a
master of cussing among our
army officers, but / would like
TO bet him that he cannot give
me a single word that was not
known to Gen. Sheridan.
I notice in a book by one of
the war correspondents that he
seems to think a certain cuss
word Is peculiar to the marines
and he has them employing II
with great frequency, but that
same word was used by Sher-
mans men on their hike through
Georgia and must have been left
down there because you often
hear il in Macon and Atlanta.
THERE are no new words In
Il army cussology. AS a matter
of fact, 1 imagine the arrny's
lexicon of cuss words has shrunk
with the passing of the mule Of
the old army.
The mule was a great inspira-
ton to new cuss words.
Army mule SINNERS did not
have to sit around thinking up
the words-they would come 10
their lips unbidden when they
were arguing with the mules.
With few mules in the army
nowadays, the cuss words SOL
der can apply to a mule are
useless, unless, of course, he
wants to apply them (under his
breath) to a general.
Copyright. 1913. by King Features
Distributed by international News Service
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17

be determined, courageous and
intelligent
The weakness Of the Aries
born is that they are easily
fooled by persons Of the oppo-
site sex.
So when your Aries-born child
grows up have him get in touch
with our Horses and Women De-
partment and we will try 10
help him protect himself from
designing females.
If a girl refer her to our Mules
and Men Department.
Spencer Tracy and Charlie
Chaplin are Aries born.
SO are Mary Pickford, Gloria
Swanson and Bette Davis.
On all London theater pro-
" grams is printed the fol-
lowing:
'In case Of air raid those
desiring to leave the theater
may do so but the performance
will continue"
New York has a Little
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
The Brighter Side

EX-PRIVATE Bill Miller, a
IL canteen-scarred veteran of
FIVE years service in the war
business. commenting on my re-
cent column on army generals,
confides in what l trust is re-
pented mood. that he is an old
time general-cusser OF the first
water.
He says he was cussed all
grades from the one-star brig
adler to the full panopled four
star hombre.
He states that he has cussed
'em in the United States. in the
Philippines, in France, on land,
and on sea.
He has cussed 'em in the
English language. in Pidgin
French and in Tagalog.
OF course, Miller means that
he has cussed EN- under his
breath. not out loud, otherwise
he would not now be at liberty,
but would be in some military
can doing life.
4 ND never in his cussing did
"A he cast any aspe sionS
upon the ability of the generals
as generals.
He just was exercising one of
the inalienable privileges of
the enlisted man of the old
army.
He seems to think he reached
the apogee of his general-cus-
sing one cold, driZZly February
morning at lie Mans. in France,
when Gen. John J. Pershing
pinned a few medals on the
bosoms Of half a dozen Of Mil
ler's fellow members Of the
TIE 91st division.
Miller, who in afteryears was
TO gain renown as a publicist
for sports events, was chilled
down six inches beneath his
underwear.
SO were the heroes standing
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
RN Paul MaIIOn

ming 10 imply that IL Is more
important for our postwar peace
for the United States 10 hold
bases in the Pacific than il is
10 enter upon plouS pronounce
ments Of brotherly love.
The island Of Guadalcanal for
which we are fighting so heart
lily is-few stop 10 tn in k-a
British possession. The airfeld
We have fought so valiantly 10
defend. would normally become
British alrfield at the Seces-
sion Of hostilities.
In the future air world il Is
obvious that many Guadalcanals
will be more essential 10 the Sc
curity Of our shores than any
other factor.
MR.. CHURCHILL. in his re-
VI cent statements. has indi-
Gated Britain and Russia are
getting more and more together.
II this proves true in fact as
we'll as word, another set Of
postwar circumstances will con-
front us.
There appears no truth 10 the
rlImors that Litvinoff might
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
Ships
Doctor
BY DIR. Logan Clendening

"WHEN an ambassador can't
w book passage, it usually
means severe illness.
what is the matter with the
ambassador ." asked DR.. Hooker.
"Myeloid leukemia."
How long do they give him
to live? ?" asked DR.. Hooker.
give days, doctor"
But IL takes this boat II
days TO get to Buenos Aires.
Does he wish TO be buried at
sea ."
NO, that Is the rub. The en-
bassy insists that Senior Enrico
must reach his own country,
alive II possible"
II might prolong his life be-
yond Ave days; II days Is ask
ing too much. -. II means en-
balming."
4 F-TER thinking il over. Or.
"A Hooker decided 10 take the
case and consulted a mortician
10 whom he explained his
problem.
BY dint Of some eloquent per-
suasion (and a lodge pin iden-
teal TO the one in the NOR
tician's lapeD he secured the
instruction he needed, worked all
night in the mortuary to acquire
the skill and reached the dock
the following morning one hour
before sailing time-a part
fledged mort!cian.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17

Woman's Shop which special
ICES in attire and accessories
for cute, little tricks.
Seems a good idea.
I know Of a woman who was
over so years of age when she
started a shop specializing in
clothes and tailoring for women
weighing over $50 pounds.
She now has more customers
than she can handle.
WHEN an auto driver irritated
w by the actions Of another
shouts an insult at him il is
rarely heard and when 1t is 1t
lacks effectiveness.
The last time saw Paris the
most cutting insult utilized by
auto drivers there was the
shouting of: "Ecole. Ecole!"
This meant: "Why don't you
go TO school and learn how 10
drive"
United States autoists should
have a good one-word insult like
that.
Incidentlly. in the case of
man and a woman driver there
is available for the man most
effective insult which never fails
TO drive the lady wild.
refer to the crack:
"Now isn't that just like n
woman"
THE Robert Burns experts
l. seem unable TO agree as 10
whether Comm Thru the Rye"
refers 10 crossing a river or
walking through field.
Colin Howard claims there is
a public house in Dumfries,
Scotland. in which there is a
room once occupied by Robert
Burns.
On the window of this room.
says Howard, Burns scratched
the original draft of Comm
Thru the Rye" and this draft
begins with the lines:
"Gin a body, meet body
comm thru the grain"
Copyright. 1913, By King Features
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
by Damon RunyOn

there a long time at attention in
the rain.
MILLER, who was not one OF
N1 heroes, but whose presence
was required just the same,
claims that he cussed the gen.
eral under his breath with such
fervor that the air around him
turned blue and then he trem-
bled lest the commander might
notice the atmospheric tint and
suspect the cause, as old BLACK
Jack" was no chump.
Fortunately for Miller the
same change took place around
all the others present, including
the heroes. until finally there
was such an indigo fog that the
general had 10 grope for the
bosoms to be-medal them.
Miller states rather grudg-
ingly that even his own efforts
were surpassed that day by one
of the heroes. a fellow who is
now sheriff of county in Me-
vada and who cussed the gen.
eral (under his breath) with
such violence that Pershing,
reaching for the guys bosom in
the murk, caught a Whit of
sulphur and shifted the hero's
breath suspiciously. thinking it
was something else.
AS YOU can see, Miller's re-
"A marks reflect a rather de-
plorable spirit Of irreverence
toward generals on the part Of
the soldiers of another day
which is in striking contrast 10
the beautiful amity of the pres
ent, il 1 may judge from the
reports OF the war correspond
ents at the front.
However, I must give some
consideration 10 the possibility
that the correspondents figure
their copy may fall into the
hands of a general before being
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
Behind the News

WASHINGTON. April Is
w The administrators post
war and economic policies seem
to be changing perhaps veering
is a better word.
Often in the past. Mr.. Roosc-
welt has usesd sailing technique
toward his detectives. lacking
first 10 one side, then the other
The permanency Of current
symptoms OF change is therefore
not firmly established.
Undersecretary Of State
WelleS, in his last speech. did
not again mention an "Interna-
tional police force, but spoke
Of preserving peace by force,
which is another thing.
UHIS change reflects an inner
realization down through
.ernmcnt diplomatic su'hori-
ties that developments Of tins
war from now on viii have more
TO do with making the postwar
world than any words that can
be said now
Some authorities like Navy
Secretary Knox also are begin
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
Postwar Economic
Policies Veer

return home and thus offer us
a Red diplomatic good-by with
gloved hand. Litvinoff laughed
of such suggestions. saying he
can do more good here.
But certainly all these condi-
tions make IL evident the post
war world Will be fixed uy
future negotiation, not by what
Washington officials may have
wanted IN the first place.
THE change in domestic eco
l. nomic policies OF this gov
eminent are clearer cut. The
administration move 10 freeze
prices and wages at long last.
now carries a ring Of sincerity
and determination.
II should have been done
year or more ago. but the New
Deal economists desired 10 let
wages run up, promising a freez-
Ing in the end. This now ap-
pears 10 be the end.
A peculiarly favorable political
situation furnishes weight 10 Mr..
Roosevelt's freezing intentions.
The John l.. l wis wage increase
demands ana the Senate side
tracking Of farm bloc claims in
the Bankhead bill have brought
the AFL and, even somewhat re-
luctantly. the Go into a new
position OF alarm against infla-
ton.
Up TO now. they have wanted
10 run wages up, but with the
farm bloc holding over lsbor's
head the power 10 increase
prices Thy passing the Bank
head and Pace bills in Congress
at any time), the President has
been able TO gather powerful
labor and farm support for a
firming of the anti-inflation
policies.
OFFTCIALDOM knows nothing
" more about Russia's postwar
intentions than you do. Appar-
emily there have been no CONVEX
SationS
The Liz h IN in e intcrceptor
CLockheed P-3S. twin Allison en-
ginest plane has developed
reputation as a super plane in
the Tunisian fighting. II climbs
like It's name practically straight
UP, is faster, and has better pro-
lection than the Nazi ships. and
is classed as maneuverable. Bugs
have been ironed out. Pilots and
war authorities class il with the
Spitfire and Flying Fortresses as
one Of the three outstanding
planes Of the war.
MacArthur's air Gen. Kenny
and others are supposed TO be
very much disappointed with
their Washington piano mission.
Production is enough TO furnish
them the ships. but the shipping
situation is tight.
They say the Japs are digging
in everywhere in conquered ter
ritory, and will be very hard to
get out If allowed TO go on for
some months.
Distributed BY King Features synd. Inc.
Reproduction IN whole or in part
strictly prohibited.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
On the Side

II yoU think you're optcl0ssed,
you are;
You've got 10 think high n rise;
YOU'VE got 10 be sure Of yourself
before
You can ever WiH n prize.
Life's battles don't dlWdVs o.
To the stronger or faster man,
But soon or late the man Who
tDins
Is the man who thinks he can.
Brooks,
DRIVATE TYRONE POWER.
Il OF the u. S. Army. One OF
the conscientious celebrities who
decided the best way 10 get
commission is the hard way.
Good for him.
The quick and easy road some
celebrities had 10 A commission
in the l.. S. Army Is difficult
10 reconcile with the fact that
West Point graduate after
four years Of stiff study and
training starts out as a second
lieutenant.
Mark Hellinger. Is 10 be in
charge OF the film production
based on the life OF VIII Rogers.
l hope Mark decides on
Stuart Erwin to play Rogers.
NOV that "absenteeism' in
~ war plants has received so
much publicity how about bring
ing some of the accomplish
ments Of the hard workers in
the war industry into the spot
light.
Let's have some outstanding
achievements pointed out.
Dispatches reveal we had 1873
Flying Fortresses over Paris
one day and 100 over Naples
the next day -.
Also consider our air superb
ority in North Africa.
There's no doubt thousands OF
workers in war plants have been
going at top speed 10 bring
these situations about.
Let's give them credit.
THIS Is the period during
Il which Aries babies arrive.
II you have had recent
blessed event the star gazers
claim the youngster is likely to
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17

GEORGE PRICE again
~ played on the Fred Allen
program the other night.
He was affectionately well
coined by many in the studio
for this reason.
When Price appeared on it
last year he told the audience:
BUY some WIS"
After the program he said:
II forgot TO say WBs are
War Bonds
But many in the audience
thought he was handing them a
stock tip and really meant War
ner Brothers, and SO he still
receives letters OF thanks.
Warner Brothers, which many
purchased. was then selling at
S4 Now III.
THE Treasury Dept is re-
Il ported as deeply interested
in a Connecticut realty corpora
ton which enabled prominent
citizens. including syndicated
writer, 10 laugh at the income
tax The way love laughs at
lockSmithS.
The James RogerSes Mar
garet kemlin) are imaging
again. James is Of the Win
Rogers clan.
June Allyson, former Broad
way starlet now in films, has
replaced Judy Garland in d.
Roses heart.
Chic Johnson's holiday from
the show will be hunting grizzly
bear in British Columbia.
Before the curtain falls on
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
Gypsy Rose Lee
Buys Mansion

the Zanuck affair. the politics
behind it will be revealed.
Washington hears that the
war against Zanuck was in
spired by a rival.
Business in the parking lots
is thriving again.
The New Workers. piece by
Gypsy Rose Lee, corker, was
held UP for a whole year.
MADCAP MERRY FAIR
AVA NEY, the heiress, is quoted
by the newspapers as stating
that she will never return here
land nobody can make. me do
sc"
From this column of July 10.
1910:
Merry Fahrney's real heart
Is one OF the German attaches
at the Embassy"
From the column of June 10,
1941:
Merry Fahrney, itemed with
Manfred Zapp, the Nazi agent,
was done wrong by.
Her real heart is high in the
NaZi Embassy, who used Zapp
for his front TO fool G-men and
reporters.
she wears n gold swastika."
The papers this week con-
firmed the fact that she got
out of this country TO be with
him in Argentina.
TIVE Republican method Of at
Il tack for the 1914 campaign
will be on States Rights, and
their focal point will be ration
ing.
II will be blamed on Wallace.
Secretary Wickard tells pals
he will quit after Chester Davis
learns the ropes.
There is q civil war going on
between the Farm Bureau and
The Extension Service on one
hand and the AAA on the other.
A delegation of l9 farmers
from IA states in the Midwest
came 10 the Capital 10 protest
10 Brown, Wickard, Davis and
Judge Marvin Jones.
A chap sold his Beverly Hills
(Cal) mansion. valued AT S95.-
000o TO Bing Crosby for less than
10 Gs.
Just TO get out Of here"
Reason; Shortage OF meat,
food. gas. help, etc.
The Gl win Hills (he's
abroad for Associated Press
will have an heir in two months.
AS we go 10 the presses there
are no meatleSs days in the
Congressional eating rooms.
Copyright BY Daily Mirror. Inc.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
Better He dIth

INK. RUFUS w. HOOhER mas
~ followed the sea as a medi-
cal officer for IS years and has
described his experiences in an
auto biogra phical account,
Ships Doctor published by
Whittlesey House, New York,
1943).
1t is very charming piece
Of anecdotage.
Every time that I sail on a
ship il is with recurring aston
ishment that l find a doctor is
aboard.
THERE are usually several
Il other physicians who are
travelling for pleasure. and the
ships doctor rounds us up and
gets US all acquainted.
We sit around and talk about
the time when Mrs. Soandso
was misdiagnosed by all the
good doctors in Baltimore, Nd,
and Rochester. Mimi, and then
the ships doctor is able TO add
an experience which tops all
other narratives.
DR.. Hooker starts out by tell
ing the story that he was once
called TO the head office of the
New York Steamship Co. and
the marine superintendent said
TO him:
Doctor, the Argentine am
bassador would like to book
passage on this ship.
Two competing lines have re-
fused to accept the responsi-
biIity."
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17

THE Brian Ahernes Joan
= Fontaine) flash, according
to Hollywood chatter, is only
editions away.
Judy Garland's next husband
Ii be a popular herman movie
star. whose wife will gracefully
step aside.
Betty CRADLES operation was
a gland removal.
Gypsy Rose Lee just pur-
chased the Barbara Vanderbilt
mansion on f. 63rd street for
cash.
II originally cost 300 GS.
Tony DeMarco's intimateS be-
lieve that he and Sally Craven
will merge on the movie coast.
Joan Bennett niece OF r.
Bennett, the Canadian officiaD
and Lee Sikorski (nephew of
Poland'S Premier SikorskD will
be married in The Little Church
Around the Corner soon.
Chums think recently divorced
Karen Morley (ex-Mrs. ChaS.
Vidor) and actor Lloyd Cough
were quietly blended weeks ago.
Maj. +. V. Heyn, former
Liberty cd. and one of Charles
Butterworth's ex-wives were
sealed months ago.
81 Clark Gable and Virginia
Bruce are finding great consola-
ton together.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD' S
pals expect 10 hear she
eloped any day now.
Those Gary Cooper rumors
persist.
A. TroyanovSky. former Rus
sian Ambassador here, is author
OF the Soviet'S current best
seller which counSels friendship
with Japan.
Nancy Booth Craig. the COM
mentator, and her spouse are
imaging. Expected in July.
II you're going 10 Mexico take
- lot of 81 bills (but not more
IN $500.
Locals back from there warn
that our s. bills are the only
ones MeXiCanazlS have not yet
been able 10 counterfeit.
The CommieS are shifting
their May Day celebration 20
May 2 with a blowout in the
Yankee Stadium.
The American war front
casualty list for press CORE
spondents is rising
Up 10 February -l2 were
dead. ] missing, 3S injured.
Wlllkie has not yet requested
a passport for his Australian
trip, but he definitely will get IT.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17

All money sent at senders risk. Do not
send cash or stamps. All checks, drafts
and money orders should he made payable
TO THE TUNES PUBLISHING COMPANY.
International News Service has the exclu-
sivs rights to use for reproduction In any
form al psvy dispatches credited 20 X or
not otherwise credited in this paper.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
LENTEN REDUCING DIET
Soturdoy-630 Galleries
BREAKFAST

One universal vitamin pill; Il
cup apple auce-50 calories; l
rusk (no butter)-100 calories;
! cup coffee tho cream or
sugar..
LUNCH
Fish timbale (no sauce)-
100 cslories; sliced cucumbers,
mineral oil dressing-5o Gallo
ries; l ct.n-t<a (no cream or
sugar.; / glass SKINNED milk
100 calories.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
DINNER

Average serving tripe creole
-175 calories; lettuce salad,
mineral oil dressings calo-
ries; small helping gelatin des-
sert-30 calories.
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
On Broadway
by Walter WincheIl

Trad. Mark REGISTERED. Copyright iS4s
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17
by Il. v. Durling

Distributed by International News Service
Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1943-04-17

Tyrone Power;
Good for Him
The Ely miner., 1943-09-16
why TAKE
HARSH LAxATIVES?
Simple Fresh Fruit Drink
Makes Purgatives Unnec-
essary for Most People

Here's a way to overcome con-
stipation without harsh laxatives.
Drink juice of l Sunkist Lemon In
a glass of water first thing on
arising.
Most people find this all they
need-stimulates normal bowel ac-
ton day after day!
Lemon and water is good for
you. Lemons are among the rich
est sources of vitamin C, which
combats fatigue, helps resist colds
and infections. They supply valu-
able amounts of vitamins b and
P. They pep up appetite. They
alkalinize, aid digestion. Lemon
and water has a fresh tang too
clears the mouth, wakes you up,
starts you going.
Try this grand wake-up drink
10 mornings. See If it doesn't help
you! Use California Sunkist
Lemons.
The Ely miner., 1943-09-16
Big and Little Men

The arrival of Howard Schulz and
Johnny Gee in the same ballpark
shows again that any form of human
anatomy can handle job in sport.
The contrast would be extended if
we only had Peewee Reese and Rab-
bit Maranville around.
Schulz and Gee, placed end to
end, cover 13 feet, 21z inches of
space. Maranville and Reese could
only muster slightly over 10 feet.
The Pirates Johnny Gee at 6 feet
8 inches is the tallest man I've ever
seen in baseball. And the Dodgers
Schulz at 6 feet 61a inches is the
next.
Babe Ruth weighed 253 pounds the
year he Knocked off his go homers,
but Wee Willie Keeler at 118 had a
lifetime batting average up with the
Babe.
Herman Hickman, the new Army
line coach, who weighed 280 at Ten
nessee, could outrun most of his
fast backs.
Chigger Brown at Sewanee, weigh
ing ITO pounds, played four years in
the big time without an injury.
Tichenor through FIVE years at
Auburn and Georgia, weight ia,
made all-southern quarterback four
seasons.
Not overlooking Dave O'Brien, the
TCU-Eagles star, who through six
seasons of college and pro football
was not even badly bruised. Fast,
small men are hard to tackle solidly.
Frank Hinkey. Yale's great end,
was one of footballs most devastat-
ing tacklers at $50 pounds. He had
the knack of exploding as he hit
his man, leaving a trail of battered
giants in his wake.
I've seen Cyril Walker, weighing
from 109 to 116, outdrive many of
the stars of golf.
One season in the North and South
at Pinehurst he was up with Hagen
and often by him from the tee at
time when Walker had fallen away
to log pounds. Cyril weighed llf
when he bagged the U. Open g
Detroit some years a9c