Evening star., 1943-04-19

standard of living and the quality |
of life.
Questioning Mind. |
Also, I am more or less skeptical. |
I used to think faith, belief, immor-
tality were more or less imaginary. |
I believed in the world seen, not the |
world unseen. I could not accept |
things just because they had always |
been accepted. In other words, a
religion good enough for my fathers
did not necessarily appeal to me. I
do not yet believe in the predigested |
religion in palatable, sugar coated |
doses.
knew my mother lived very close
to God. I recognized something
great in her. And 1 believe that my
childhood training Influenced me
greatly, even though I was more or
less rebellious at the time. 1t must |
often have grieved my beloved
mother that I found family prayers |
tiresome and frequently found my
self conveniently thirsty at the mo-
ment, so that had to slip out of |
the room.
Like my brothers and sisters, I |
always had to 60 to church and I |
hated the long sermons. But today |
I feel that this church-going habit |
established something, s. kind of |
stability, for which am grateful to
my parents.
Mother Almost Spartan.
My mother was not a sentimental |
parent. In many ways she was
Spartan. But one Of my strongest |
childhood impressions is Of mother |
going to a room she kept for the
purpose on the third floor to pray.
She spent hours in prayer, often be-
ginning before dawn. When we
asked her advice about anything, |
she would say, Il must ask God
first"
And we could not hurry her. Ask
ing God was not matter of spend
ing five minutes to ask Him to bless
her child and grant the request. It
meant waiting upon God until she
felt His leading. And I must say
that whenever mother prayed and |
trusted God for her decision, the |
undertaking Invariably turned out |
well
As long as mother lived, I had a
feeling that whatever I did, or failed
to do, mother would pray me
through. Though she insisted that |
she was not our intercessor, that we |
must pray ourselves, yet I know for a |
certainty that many of her long
hours of prayer were spent interced-
ing for us. Perhaps 1t is because
religion in my mind is associated
with such a mother that I have
never been able to turn from it
entirely.
No Prayers Against Japan.
One day I was talking with her
about the imminent japanese
menace, and suddenly cried out in
irresistible intensity of feeling:
Mother, you're so powerful in
prayer. Why don't you pray that
God will annihilate Japan-by an
earthquake or something?"
She turned her face away for q
time. Then looking gravely at me
she said: when you pray, or expect
me to pray, don't insult Gods in
telligence by asking Him to do some
thing which would be unworthy
even of you, mortal"
That made a deep impression on
me. And today I can pray for the
Japanese people, knowing that there
must be many who, like KagaWa,
suffer because of what their country
is doing to China.
During the last seven years, I
have suffered much. I have gone
through deep waters because of the
chaotic conditions in China: the lop-'
ping off of our richest provinces, the
death of my sanity mother, flood,
famine and the intrigues of those
who should have been helping to
unity the country.
All these things have made me
see my own inadequacy. More than
that, all human insuff1ciency. To try
to do anything for the country
seemed like trying to put out great |
conflagration with a cup of water.
AdSCS W 1NCuklOH.
During these years of my married
life, I have gone through three
phases as related to my religion.
First, there was tremendous en-
thusiasm and patriotism-a passion
ate desire to do something for nv
country. Here was my opportunity.
With my husband, I would work
ceaselessly to make China strong. +
mad the best of intentions. But
something was lacking. There was
no staying power. I was depend
ing on self.
Then came the second phase.
These things that I have referred
to happened. and I was plunged
into dark despair. A terrible de-
preston settled on he-spiritual de-
spair, bleakness, desolation. At the
time of my mothers death, the
blackness was greatest. A foreign
foe was on our soil in the north. A
disconto ted political faction in the
south. anime in the northwest.
Floods eatening the millions who
dwell m the Yangtze Valley. And |
my beloved mother taken from me.
What was left?
And then I realized that spiri-
tually I was failing my husband.
My mothers influence on the gen.
eral had been tremendous. His
own mother was devout Buddhist. |
1t was my mothers influence and |
personal example that led him to
become a Christian.
Kept His Promise.
Too honest to promise to be one
just to win her consent to our mar
riage. he had promised my mother
that he would study Christianity
and read the Bible. And sud-
denly realized that he was sticking
to his promise, even after she was
gone, but losing because there were