Evening star., 1943-01-13

Henry McLemore. In the papers as
a sort Of Benedict Arnold on wheels
and have his A, B or G card re-
moved from his wallet for good.
The rule doesn't bother me .
great deal, because am about as
athletic as Alexander Woolcott, who,
If you don't know, is the only man
ever to engage the services Of q
second and q trainer before en-
gaging in a rough and tumble game
Of croquet. But 1t will bother mil
lions Of my countrymen who are
accustomed to OVERRIDING themselves
at strenuous games.
Naturally, they mustn't be allowed
to stop exercising overnight. Like
race horses, who are walked round
and round the barns after finishing
race to allow them to unwind"
the exercisers must be provided with
some means Of gradually tapering
OF. else-and my authority Is
celebrated viennese quack who used
to endorse yeast as q cure for
everything from housemaid's knee
to beri-beri-else they will be sub
ject to all sorts Of maladies.
"Fog at Fresno"
But what can they substitute for
the games they used to play when
gasoline was plentiful and the
phrase "flll 'er up" hadn't passed
from the language? The average
American home doesn't have
basketball court or bowling alley
or tennis court. Even the homes
that do boast them now won't boast
them for long. what with that
$25 900 ceiling closing in like a fog
at Fresno. Il don't know whether
Fresno has fog or not, but you'll
have to admit that fog at Fresno
has a ring to it. AS a matter Of
fact. If Fresno doesn't have any fog
it might be smart to cultivate some)
Out of the fondness OF my heart
I have thought up several ersatz
sports to take the places of the
ones that the ban on pleasure driv-
ing eliminated-sports that can be
enjoyed df that is the word for
exercise that leaves you as limp as
yesterdays salad right at home,
without any cost.
Dog washing, that's the first one.
Washing a dog combines all the
play of muscles. If you don't hap
pen to have dog. you can still play
the game. You can always borrow
dog to be washed. There never
was an owner Of dog who wouldn't
lend him for washing purposes.
To wash dog properly. you must
use the finesse that tennis calls for.
the will to win that is such part
of golf, the endurance that goes
along with basketball, and the pa
tience that belongs to chess. Wash.
ing a dog involves many steps.
First Catch Your Dog.
First you have to catch the dog.
Dogs don't have a great deal of
sense which is proved by the fact that
there has never been a dog mayor,
dog governor, a dog senator. or.
even, a dog dog-catcher. But they
have enough sense to know when
they are going to be washed. Start
the water running in the tubs. and
they are off and flying. So the leg
muscles are employed in catching
them. The arm muscles are used
to convey them to the tub.
Golf muscles come into play when
the dog is dropped into the water.
The overlapping grip is Just a.
good on a dogs hind leg as It Is
on a brassie. The backhand bad
minton shot is useful in knocking
down dog who wants to leap from
the water, and, after shaking him.
self so that every one in 10 yards
gets drenched, runs to the nearest
pile OF sand or dirt and rolls.
The dog, being more agile and
crafty, always gets out of the tub.
That is when basketball muscles
come into play. Holding him off
at a distance, so he won't soak you,
you throw him back into the tub,
just as basketball forward makes
a long shot from the center of the
floor.
Now, for the next ersatz sport
that of pressing your own clothes.
can't write about 1t. Only today,
in experimenting, burned the
shoulders off suit that. lacking one
more payment (the left leg payment,
believe) was mine.
May cry?
Boo.
Hoo.
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