Evening star., 1943-04-01

| ekOiNeAb n o
spends a. much
Henry AeLsmors. as two weeks on
foreign soil to put his memoirs in
print, even If he doesn't remember
anything more vivid than NE name
Of his charwoman and the last time
he sent out his laundry.
My book might be pretty good,
however, because I would leave de-
scriptions Of battles and personal
heroics to others and devote the
major portion of mine to describing
life IN Irish hotels. This is q subject
which long has been neglected. Just
why I'll never know because Life in
one combines all the rigors Of trip
to the North Pole. q flight over tho
Himalayas In q frail glider and .
fortnights visit with natives Of the
upper reaches Of the Amazon River.
There is adventure and peril every
hour Of the day.
| Language Unrecognizsble.
The hotel IN which I am now bill.
leted y typical Irish hotel. This
means, to begin with, that no ono
on the staff speaks any recognized
language or dialect. Their language
obviously Is one they have made
up themselves and no stranger could
ever hope to master 1t.
| am able to make my most ele-
mentary wants known and thus
keep body and soul together by the
use of a crude sign language. When
want a fire in my room I take q
match and light some part Of my
clothing and the staff, after a long
consultation, usually catches on to
what mean. OF course, they never
give you fire in your room. I have
burned of two coat sleeves and am
working on trouser leg now with
out ever getting enough heat to melt
the stalagmites, stalactites and plain
lcicles which abound In my room.
Irish hotels are the only ones
which publish timetable for their
elevators just as we have railroad
timetables. The elevator in my ho-
tel leaves the ground floor six times
during the day-at 8, 10 and II am.
and at 2, 4 and pm. The last
named trip Is the commuters special
and If you miss 1t you must catch
the sleeper which leaves promptly
at midnight.
Powered by Earthquakes.
1t travels at such slow rate Of
speed that it is generally believed it
is powered by earthquakes and
travels upward only when there are
earth tremors in the vicinity. Com
ing down, though, it operates purely
on the law of gravity and lands with
such violence that the massive doors
fly open and the passengers are pro-
PEELED into the lobby.
The telephone system in Irish no
tells would make Alexander Graham
Bell as well as Don Ameche resort
to carrier pigeons. You won't be-
heve 1t but to get room service or the
han porter in my hotel 1t is neces-
sary to ask for long distance or "the
trunk line as the Irish call It. This
makes 1t necessary to pay a toll
charge to get the time of day Or a
pitcher Of water. ) Also on this trunk
line, for some reason or other, is a
pub three blocks down the street.
So. when you call the operator, YOU
are just as likely to get q glass Of
lager as bellhop.
One OF the first things that ereets
the eye Of an incoming guest in my
hotel is large placard which adj
vises him that the management Is
not only anxious to have the guest
leave the hotel feeling 1t is the best
hotel in town, but the best In all tho
world.
| Advantages" Listed.
The placard then tells OF the spe-
c1a1 advantages the hotel offers.
There is absolutely no charges for
baths. A man Is free to use the tub
or basin without it being put on hts
bill. Guests are also allowed tho
free use Of the steps. halls and pub
lie rooms and each guest is given q
key to his room. This generosity 50
amazed me that I asked the man.
agement If it would be all right for
me to sleep In my bed and use the
desk chair In my room and he said.
Certainly. They are yours as long
as you are in the room. Feel per-
fectly free to use them as much a
you want"
The valet service Is operated by 4
direct descendant OF the man who
carried the message to Garcia. Give
the valet a pair Of trousers to be
pressed and he plunges of into tho
countryside and il gone for days.
But he always returns and nearly al
ways with the same pair Of pants
you gave him.
I am now going down to stand tn
the lobby for while. That is free.
too.
Distributed BY RcNaueat Syndicate. Inc,
That Dale Pnnr Va