Browning chief. [volume] (Browning, Mont.) 1941-1953, 1943-09-03
While Walter Winchell is tenn
porarily away from New York,
his column is being conducted
by guest contributors.
BY HARRY HERSHFIELD
!wNU sstx!s:,

By HARRY HERSHFIELD
Radio Story Teller and Columnist.
Value OF painting often depends on
Uhose nail it hangs from. None of these
celebrities hare played uaudepille, so
there is lille danger that their little mas
terpieces are Plagiarisms on the "Berle-
loungmanJesse" school. Here are some
fororite jokes OF famous people:
AL SMITH:
A citizen attended his first politi-
cal jamboree. He wasn't there long
before somebody COPIED his watch.
He reported it to the district leader,
who whispered: Next to which guy
was you standin' last?" Victim
pointed to fellow in the center.
Just don't say nothin' and it'll
be OK" In few minutes the lead
er handed the watch over to its
owner. What did he say?" asked
the grateful man. "Sh-h-h-quiet-
he don't know got it!''
MAYOR LA GUARDIA:
(Tells this one on himself)
Two Soviet representatives ar
rived at City Hall. Instead of the
expected and accepted costumes of
StalinHes, they wore high hats, etc.
They looked at LaGuardia, in baggy
everydays, and all he could say
was: "Gentleraen, I represent the
Proletariat!"
FANNIE HURST:
A dapper fellow walked into bak-
cry and ordered a special cake: II
want it SIS inches in diameter-nine
layers-seven colored frostings. In
the center, want my initials, R. N.
want it as soon as possible" "I'n
have it for you in a week." was
the answer. On the appointed day,
he called, inspected the cake: 1T
isn't exactly the way I want it
change the yellow frosting to orchid"
On the second inspection, the fellow
was delighted: Participated"
Where shall I send it, sir?" mo
place-I'n eat it here!"
BERNARD SHAW:
When Lionel Barrymore was
scheduled to appear in Macbeth"
there was much doubt among New
York ticket brokers whether to "buy
in" before the opening. Mcbride
was the leading broker. All the
specs" were on hand for the pre-
mier. Lionel floundered through the
part. Then came the big moment
his shout Lay On MacDuff!" Came
the answer, from the rear of the
house: Lay on, McBride!"
JIM FARLEY:
Joe Louis, in the Polo Grounds,
finished an opponent in a few Sec
onds Of the first round. After the
victim got in his dressing-room, he
didn't say word-he was still out.
He dressed and his manager escort
ed him to the street. 1t was rain
ing. The pug put out his hand and
moaned: Gee, this will hurt the
gate receipts!" "Oh," cracked the
manager, Il forgot to tell you-the
fight was called off,"
JIMMY WALKER:
A hillbilly called on a girl for a
year. Finally, her father tagged
him: Thine I asked you something
are your intentions to my daugh-
ter honorable or dishonorable?"
"You mean have a choice?" quer-
led the hillbilly.
ILKA CHASE:
A young radical refused to work.
His old man let him have it: Fine
bum-why don't you go to work and
make some money!" AHA, I'm glad
you brought that up. It'll come the
revolution and We'll have Utopia
we won't need the money!" But
why don't you go to work and make
$50, 000-when it comes the revolu-
ton, then you can help them with it."
Aha-suppose it don't come the
revolution-then I'm stuck with
$5O,O00.'
MARC CONNOLLY:
When Caesar tried to take Ireland,
he was repulsed by Clancy and Fin
negan. Caesar returned with more
legions-again was pushed back.
Julius was now really mad. He gath
cred the full might of his armies
and navies and started for Ireland
again. This time, Clancy and Fin
negan were careless. Sitting on a
raft, they were surrounded, cap
tured after a terrible struggle and
brought to the Forum, as captives.
Caesar threw the pair into the arena
against 500 gladiators. Clancy and
Finnegan moved them down. Cae-
sar burned. He ordered them to
fight 1000 lions. This day the crowd
really turned out. AS Caesar and
his retinue entered the arena,
Clancy pointed: "See that beautiful
blonde with Caesar? Well, this
morning, she looked at me and
just then there was a mighty roar
Sorry, Finnegan, here come the
lions-rl have to tell you the rest
later!"