Evening star., 1943-07-21

turned looking
like a clean
Henry MeLemore. shaven anteater.
For years friends and acquaint-
ances had been telling me that I
was too fat and that was silly not
to do something about it. All the
way back from Europe I relished
the thought of showing off my
streamlined frame. The idea of
throwing my no-weight about gave
me tremendous pleasure. In my
minds eye. I pictured admiring
groups standing about me saying.
well. If you don't look like a new
man." and Henry, I can't tell you
what an improvement that loss of
weight has made in you"
I could scarcely wait for my wife
to see me. For eight years she has
been beating me over the head with
pieces Of rye cracker, forcing me to
get up in the morning and do CAL
isthenics, frowning when I reached
for second pat Of butter and never
missing an opportunity to make a
snide remark about fat men. 30.
when saw her for the first time
In six months I expected her to look
on me as an Adonis and spend ct
least IS minutes admiring my l43-
pound outline.
Wife Burst Into Tears.
She didn't do anything OF the
kind. She took one look at me and
burst into tears. Then she started
blubbering this sort of talk. "You
poor baby. You poor. poor baby.
Where are you? Where is the man
1 sent to England? You are only
half of him. don't know you
But she finally got little stern.
She told me that was emaciated.
That I looked sick. couldn't pos
sibly feel well, and that what she
wanted most of all was to get me
back home to Florida and start
feeding me so that I could put back
on few pounds. This, mind you,
from gal who had spent some OF
the best years OF her life trying to
get me to reduce. I give up.
give up completely.
This is what will happen. She
will give me the "prodigal SON.
treatment for a month or so and
bring back my lost jowls into full
bloom once more. Then some morn
ing she will eye me across the break
fast table and say. "It just seems a
sin and shame, Henry, for you to
be as fat as you are at your age. 7
have a new diet that I am going to
start you on tomorrow
Egad! Begorra! Hoot mon!
Zounds! And all the other foreign
words that learned. 1t just doesn't
make any sense.
There is something else about los
ing weight that bores me to death.
All your friends come up to you and
say, You look 10 years younger.
No one ever says you look nine years
younger or II years younger. 1t Is
always 10 years younger.
No Dream Prince Then.
Now when I look back on myself
at Is, was nobody's dream prince.
1 was fresh out of those cotton fields
Of Georgia about then. I was still
cutting my own hair at the time, IL
l remember. I spent 10 years of
hard labor trying to get over looking
the way I did when I was 26. And
now, just because the English ra-
tlons were a little tough on me it
seems that am right back to the
Rochelle, Ga, days where the hottest
telephone number had in my ad-
dress book was the livery stable.
The hell with that, then, Id
rather have seven chins than some
thing better than livery stable num-
bers in that little book all of us hus-
bands keep tucked away where we
hope our wives can't find it. OF
course, when they do find these lit
tie books all Of us would like to be
back in Rochelle with nothing but
livery stable numbers written down.
But now that we are on this sub
ject there is only one thing to tell
a wife who pops up with your little
secret address book in her hand and
this is 1t. Il won't tolerate a snoop
in this home. Aren't you ashamed
Of yourself to be working behind my
back when I am trying so hard to
work behind yours"
My wife has just looked over my
shoulder at what I have written and
am not at all sure now that I
won't be eating words instead of all
that good food she threatened me
with.
Distributed by McNaught Syndicate, Inc)