Evening star., 1942-10-02


found violating a Federal law. So,
from now on, all of us are actually
Government speed cops.
This new law was no more than
enacted than I was off to see my
lawyer to get the lowdown on just
where the citizen stood in his new
role as combination taxpayer and
sleuth. and contracting my lawyer
is no small feat. He is very, very
busy man. AS head of the most
distinguished firm of ambulance
chasers in New York, he is hard to
catch up with.
II hadn't put on running pants
and changed my street oxfords for
spiked shoes. I doubt If I ever would
have overtaken him. But, with the
advantage Of this Charley Paddock
outfit, caught him near Columbus
Circle, trotting patiently behind q
Bellevue ambulance, his stride In
perfect time with the Changing of
the ambulance bell.
I popped 1892 questions at him Al
we sat there at the base of Colum-
bus statue. Now that all citizens
are officers, would we get badaes?
Would we get nighttstick and a
whistle? Would we have the right
to lift an apple or an orange COR
both from the fruit stand on tho
corner?
Would we be subject to fat feeto
Would we have the right to ride free
on buses? Would we have the priv
llege of stepping into the middle of
the street and snarling traf1c?
Would we have the right to print up
lot of tickets for various benefits
and sell them at outlandish prices?
My readers would like to know, I
explained to my mouthpiece.
For a man who had been chasing
amoulances for four or five hours
he made right good sense. He
cautioned me to be cautious.
Don't just run out and arrest
the f1rst man you see driving at
36 miles an hour" he said. because.
brother, If he is not convicted, he
can sue you until the cows come
home"
1 explained to my barrister that
L did not understand the legal
phrase, until the COWS come home"
That's Blackstone for forever"
he said.
This phase Of the Federal law
was disappointment to me. I had
planned to settle a lot of Old ner.
sonal scores.
IL had been my intention to set
aside two days a week for the sole
purpose of arresting people I didn't
ike. dreamed at night of waving
down various Objectionable charac-
tiers and exposing them to the slo-
700 fne, the two years in lair. or
both. That's what it is possible for
speedsters to get from now on.
What satisfaction would it be. T
thought, to sock the first editor r
ever had. He fred me for only one
Jmeasly reason-incompetence.
Then there was Deacon Pitman
OF my fathers church. The deacon
took it upon himself to tell nv
1ather that I was seen in the near
vicinity OF the dog track on prayer
meeting night. 1t was "good-by dogs,
hello prayer meeting" from then on.
could add others to this list. but
am going to be pretty careful with
my arrests. There Is the excellent
chance that am on a few hundred
lists myself and that more than one
newly ordained snoop is waiting on
me.
Thank goodness, my car is in stor-
age. With the fine at $4,000 I am
going to be careful how fast walk.
II l old have car would be busy
fixing 1t so that 1t couldn't possibly
go more than IS miles an hour. To
start with, I'd drive on three wheels.
Ihe right rear wheel would come of
Immediately. I'd mix water with nv
gasoline and dab the spark plugs
with mayonnaise.
Can you imagine the horror of
being hauled into Traffic Court and
hearing the judge say: Ten thou
sand dollars and costs"
Why, that's more than we get a
word for this column.
distributed BY Mckausht Syndicate. Inc,