Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1942-07-04
PIa+e-Men
Permitted
Now. in Navy
Artificial Biters Found
Handy Sometimes
By DAMON RUNYON

THE happy tidings last week
Il to the members of the plate
men of America were that dem
lures are no longer a bar to
enlistment in the United States
Navy. Dentures is the high
toned name for synthetic chop
pers, or false teeth.
1t seems that thousands OF
plate-men have been turned
down by the navy recruiting
officers since this war started
because of a rule that an appli-
cant had to have 20 sound teeth
of the type provided by nature.
Now 1t. Commander George
I. Howe, head recruiter in Los
Angeles announces that modifi-
cations in the requirements for
oral fixtures have been effected
TO allow wider enlistment
range and as soon as this news
was generally circulated. re-
jected plate-men tore for the re-
cruiting office with such speed
that the breezes fairly sang
through their crockery.
sf
THE new order is a good thing
l. for the navy. not only be-
cause il will bring in numerous
recruits, but because il will quell
a gathering storm of protest
from the many branches of the
plate-men of America over what
seemed to be the rankest sort
of discrimination. Investigation
had developed that while union
plate-men were barred from en-
listing, there are many bakelite
check racks among the higher
officers of the navy.
Close examination of photo
graphs of some of our most dis
tinguished admirals and other
big brass hats of the sea service
disclosed that certain cast iron
set of the kisser that charac-
terizes t he possessor of mail
order meat grinders, and the
plate-men felt that what was
good enough for the guy on the
bridge. was good enough for the
lad between decks.
1T is admitted by all thinking
members of the plate-men
that manufactured masticators
represent a slight handicap in
all branches of the army except
the tank corps, in which they
are really a great convenience.
A mans original teeth are soon
jostled out in the tanks, so II
he starts with factory fixtures
he can just remove them when
the jostling begins and suffer
no more i'll consequences than
having his lower lip pushed up
over his nose.
But in other branches there
is always danger TO the plate
man that after he has set his
balcony or orchestra out for the
night. meaning his upper or
lower. the army may move sud-
denly before he can remember
where he planted his nappers.
as happened 10 a friend OF mine
in the Argonne years ago.
LIE HID them under some
H blades of grass and one Of
our generals came along later
and sat down on them, and the
fact that the general was SUBJ
sequently mentioned in dis
patches for the blood he shed on
this occasion and everafterwards
wore wound stripe. never
fully compensated my friend for
the loss of his biters.
In the navy there Is much
less chance of a plate-man mis-
laying his teeth. OF course. the
ship might sink with them on
board. but in that case he would
not need them anyway. espe-
cially if he had to swim around
in the briny to any extent. All
plate-men are aware that the
porcelains are a liability in
swimming as they have a tend
ency to wash away from their
moorings and float out TO sea.
CENSIBLE plate-men have
~ long since discarded the
nobel gesture of dashing briskly
DER the sands and plunging
headlong into the drink for the
admiration of any fair observers,
though this was once quite a
vogue at Miami Beach, down in
Dade County. Fla.
we'll remember one season
that shark was caught off the
Roney Plaza Hotel and was
found to have in its stomach
nine platinum-lined uppers and
six lowers which it had accmu-
lated by patiently waiting out
there for the wreckage from
daring plate-men Of America.
Copyright. 1912. by King Features
Distributed by international News Service