Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1942-11-30

hehrs mcLemore. nearly all of the
time, and I have been placed in
charge of them.
Frankly, think I would have
done just as good a job as chore-
grapher of the Russian Ballet, as I
am doing with these freplaces. How
many times have I wished, since
this winter set in, that I hadn't
been a playboy during my Boy Scout
days, and had really paid attention
to the lessons in building.
1t takes me just short of an hour
to get fire going. This puzzles me,
because I follow all the standard
rules. I fluff up three or four news
papers and put them in first. Then
pile kindling on top of that. Then
1 place chunks of wood gracefully
atop the kindling. Then, at the
risk of burning off an arm, I light
the newspaper at three or four
various places.
All goes well for a moment. There
is merry blaze and then plop. The
newspaper flames die out, the
kindling signs little sigh and falls
down, and its few sparks are
smothered by the crash of the logs.
Finally, after about 10 repetitions of
this sort of business, ignore all
safety rules and get teacup full of
Kerosene. I drench everything In
the fireplace with it, including the
patient and irons, and throw in a
match
The result is like a clap of thun-
der with lightning accompaniment.
A great flame leaps across tho
hearth and singes rugs, sofas,
chairs, the dog and me. A geyser of
flame spouts up the chimney. and
the whole fireplace becomes an in.
ferno that Dante would have ap-
preclated. For several minutes
every one in the room has to huddle
in the far corners to keep from be-
ing toasted like marshmallow.
That's the trouble with my fires.
There is no middle ground. They
either throw off no heat at all. or
are so hot that they blister the fur
niture and threaten the very house
itself.
There is no such thing as gather
ing around my fires and watching
the flames play prettily. In one
case, pals of water must be kent
on hand to drown them in case they
become unmanageable, and some
one must stand guard in the yard
to watch the chimney and see that
sparks and embers do not settle on
the roof and burn the house down.
In the other, they throw off no more
heat than an icicle. and one could
sit squarely on them and read a
book without the least discomfort.
Our chimneys smoke, too. wa,
all for encouraging this in the hope
that smoking would stunt their
growth and eventually kill them off.
But 1 was overruled and some of the
country's most prominent chimney
sweeps have given them their at
tention. That did no good. 1t /,
impossible to go near our fires with
out having your eyes smart, and
your collar and cuffs blackened
with SCOT. Fifteen minutes near
our fires and all you need is fuzzy
gray hair to double for an old fam.
lily retainer.
NO one has ever really given tho
loWdown on how to bring in fire.
wood without getting splinters in
your fingers. Oh, know there are
gloves that you can buy, but who
can ever find the gloves when the
nre needs log? Let me get six or
seven more splinters in my hands.
and 1 am going to get an offer from
a talent scout for a lumber yard.
Day by day am taking on the an
pearance of a two-by-four, and am
actually in danger of winding I'm
as a rafter in a housing project
bungalow.
When my boat comes in, and
build my dream castle Il already
have the lot-a corner one in Bav-
onne. N. j. I am going to tell the
architect to leave out fireplaces.
thousands Of words have been writ.
ten on the joys of an open fire. but
II you'll check up on the authors
OF those words, you'll find that none
OF them had to build his own fire.
When you have to keep fireplaces
going you're too busy to write about
their, beauty.
I still want to engage a Mica
pyromaniac. and If I can't get one
Ill settle for cultured arsonist,
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