Evening star., 1942-10-26

living room wall. I did this job to
the entire satisfaction of every liv-
ing member of my family. This
performance winds up and wraps in
a gaudy blue package the sum of my
entire knowledge on how to fix
things. When faucets leak around
the house, I have an infallible cure
for them. I call the plumber. I
cannot f1x a leaky faucet. MY moth
er tells me was IL before I learned
to tie my own shoes.
Tells Of Telephones.
I am citing these facts not in a
spirit of boastfulness but to end a
certain illusion which began when
goth Century-FoX set me to work in
Alexander Graham Bell" Ever
since the success of that admirably
conceived, directed and produced
picture, I have been tagged as an
inventor. and particularly as the in
ventor of the telephone. AS a mat
ter OF fact, am afraid of telephones
and I am not at all sure they are
here to stay.
The old wall model was all right;
it was somewhat complicated when
you first started to use it, but Just
about the time I mastered the
crank, in came the dial. I have been
i'll at ease ever since.
The only thing I have ever in
vented in my life is handy excuse
and I've been so happily married
that I've never had to use it. And
l long ago forgot where I put it,
anyway.
Fast-Talking Actor.
I am also not the creator of
biographical pictures. I did a lot
of fast talking in a great many
movies. topped by the fastest talk
ing OF all in THE Magnificent
Dope" but any time anybody
catches me talking fast you can be
very sure I'm using some one else's
lines. The Ameche brain is no better
and no worse than most brains and
when a thought pops into 1t there is
always a brief pause for station an
nouncements before said thought
emerges as an Ineligible sentence.
AS to the biographical picture
craze I find I have done on one
pretext or another a total of "a
motion pictures to date. And of this
total only two were biographical
| Alexander Graham Bell" and
"Swanee River" All the rest were
about guys no history book has
touched and they weren't characters
you've ever heard about, at all, ex-
cept that all of them were the
sort Of people you'd read about from
time to time in the daily papers.
Some day I want to play a whole
raft of biographical pictures. All
of the characters will be people who
wore their overalls open at the
neck, never combed their hair, ate
with their fingers or any other
fingers that were handy, and looked
like they were made up with a
garden rake and an electric mixer.
Usually Ge.s the Girl.
And the third and last impression
I would like to correct about my
friend Ameche, is that I'm the guy
who always loses the girl. 1 have
met people who saw my last picture
Girl Trouble" two or three times
on double feature bills of one kind
or another, and they are still under
the impression that I lost Joar
Bennett-even with that bedroom
scene fadeout.
4 Somehow, have gotten billed a
the fellow who never gets the hero.
inc and this impression has prob
ably become so strong that ever
when they see me and the heroine
clinched in the fadeout they figur.
that half hour after the lights &
i on and the theater empties me ant
4 the girl are having a fight ant
once again am losing her.
II In that list Of thirty-four picture!
/ have made I find I lost the cir
just twice, and on both OCCASION
the picture clearly showed that