Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1941-01-28
Cant Be War!
Food Names
Unchanged =
Neiehbors Still Friends,
No Prisoner Camps, etc.
BY DAMON RUNYON

~ United states is already IN
the war, but we think this state
ment is slight exaggeration.
We have been looking around
carefully and we see none of the
signs and symptoms character
istic of our patriots when we
are in a war.
We have not seen a single
patriot chasing a little bow
legged dachshund down the
street with murderous intent and
hamburger and wienerschnitzel
are still on the menus.
Until they are replaced by
liberty cabbage and ground sir
1oin and freedom veal outlet we
refuse to believe we are actually
in the war.
In this connection, however.
We must confess that we are
somewhat apprehensive as 10
the fate of spaghetti and pasta
fagiole and other Italian delica-
cies because of course when we
do actually get in the war we
will probably be at war with
Italy and Japan as we'll as
Germany
No restaurant keeper could
continue those titles on his bill
OF fare and remain loyal TO the
United States of America. So
we are Wandering by what
names we will have to order our
favorite fodder.
We are not worrying about
Japanese tidbts. as we cannot
recall ever mingling with Jap
anese cuisine. AS a matter of
fact fact, we do not know what the
Japanese eat. We have a vague
impression that il may be paper
fans and ivory orn aments
though we suppose they must
have other things more nourish-
ing. But we care nothing about
the japanese diet whatever IL
may be.
1t is the Italian food that
concpTnS US. IT patriotism re-
quires that we eat IL in some
nomenclatural disguise, we will
do il. of course. But somehow
we doubt that lasagni would
taste the same under pseu-
donymn such as stuffed noodles.
60 FAR our patriots seem 10
~ still be exchanging pleasant
good mornings and good eve
nings with their neighbors OF
many years. the Schmalzes and
the Bertilottis and the warm re-
lations born of mutual helpful
ness and sympathy in times Of
poverty and sickness and death
seem undistuTbed. situation
that would not prevail if we
were actually in the war.
1t would then be remembered
that the SchmalZes and the
Beriilottls stem back TO the old
countries and they would nat
urally be objects of dark suspi-
cion TO the patriots.
We do not find that any con-
cen'ration camps have been set
up for the Imprisonment al gov
ernmcnt cost of German, Japa-
neSe and Italian aliens and that
would certainly be the case IL
we were actually in the war.
with the biggest camps for the
japanese in Hawaii and the
Philippines.
The railroads and the tele-
graph companies and the radio
are still privately controlled and
operated. whereas if we were IN
the war Uncle Samuel would he
running them and not. we fear.
with spectacular financial sue
cess.
I'VE HAVE observed no DANES
w dashing about in martial
trappings and helpful mood with
reference to the entertainment
and notwithstanding of the
soldiery and no stands have yet
been set up on our street
corners for the liberty loan
/ statesmen, including youthful
celebrities who ought 10 be in
+ uniform Juggling guns. but whose
+ fame is considered a sufficient
i asset in selling bonds to offset
+ the tough service that is re-
/ quired of our other young men.
The liquor bars and stores are
still open and dispensing liquids
of alcoholic content and this. we
think. is the best evidence of all
that we are not actually in the
war.
If we were in. the liquor trade
would be under the most strin-
gent regulation. if not closed
down altogether. because we
would have thousands of young
men running around in uniform
-l-il4e-trotficii- tr7rvr-tU hc guarded
+ from temptation. The same
j young men are running around
now and do not seem TO be I'M
duly tempted but they are not
+ in uniform.
II appears that the minute a
guy puts on his country's clothes
his will power is supposed 10
suddenly weaken and he must be
treated as a child.
No. we arc not actually In
the war. If you want the abso-
Lutte convincer. we can tell you
that up TO date not single
song has been published caroling
of us being on our way to some
where. hooray hooray. though
truth compels us TO add that
some have been written just in
case. and they may leap out and