Evening star., 1941-07-04

Henry McLemore. dark closet be-
cause there isn't a doctor in the
United States doing this sort of
work.
To whom, for example, are thou
sands of US going to turn after the
Fourth for Roman Candle Fright
treatment? Where are we going
to find man trained in the dag
nosis and cure of Croquet Back?
Or Traffic Jam Frustration or
Slapped Sunburn?
These, and many others, are
common Fourth of July ailments.
Half the population gets one or all
of them each glorious Fourth, and
on July needs prompt and expert
attention.
Roman Candle Fright is perhaps
the most widespread Independence
Day ailment. It is contracted by
almost every adult who is called
upon to shoot one of the DANCED
things. Roman candles were de-
vised for children and should be
shot by children who still have the
daring and quick reactions of youth.
ETatio in Aim.
Place Roman candle in the
hands OF a grown-up and he gets
cold all over, his hands tremble and
he usually points the internal
machine toward the dining or living
room windows. The cry of Heavens
no, John!" from his wife only tends
to increase his desperation. The
taunts of the children, who handle
them as easily as they do their
cereal, deepens his general nervous
ness. Sometimes it is three weeks
after the Fourth before man can
use his cigarette lighter without
holding 1t at arms length for fear
ball of fire will run up his coat
sleeve.
An allied ailment IS Two-inch
Salute Nervousness. Many a man
has cracked after a day of relieht-
ing the tiny little fuses that remain
on frecrackers that have previously
f1zzled. And there never was a
child who was content to admit
that a f1zzled firecracker was a
f1zzled flrecracker. He always rings
IN a covering adult to do the dirty
job of relighting it.
Inevitable Invitation.
Then there is Croquet Back. This
is acquired from playing croquet for
the first time in a year. There is
always one satanic soul on every
Fourth of July party who yells, Lets
have game of croquet," and before
you know it men and women who
haven't bent over in a year except
to tie their shoes are walking around
the lawn all doubled up like one of
the rusty wickets.
Croquet Back usually takes about
II hours to set in. The first symp-
tom is an inability to get out Of bed.
The second is feeling that even if
you could get out of bed, you
wouldn't want to. The third symp-
tom is a stabbing pain on your
ankle, the result of having missed
the ball in trying to knock an op-
ponent's ball into another lawn and
whacking yourself instead.
Traffic Jam Frustration comes
from being caught in terrific mobs
OF motorists who left for home early
or late, just as you did, in order to
miss the traffic. When the tens of
thousands of drivers all meet on the
main highway, just as if they had
arranged a rendezvous instead of
having spent hours planning how
to avoid one another, you can hear
the teeth gnash and the gears clash.
A Saddened Return.
There are few sadder sights than
that of an American family return
ing from a joyous Fourth of July
outing. Fathers head aches, his
shirt hurts his sunburn, his shoes
are full of sand; mother is worn out
and keeps insisting they made the
wrong choice of place to go. The
kids are sitting or standing on every
place in the car that wasn't designed
for sitting or standing. They're
thirsty. They're hungry. They keep
wanting to stop for pop and ice
cream.
BY the time the family reaches
home it is pretty much in a state of
collapse and certainly needs the at
tention of Fourth of July special
ist who would know just what to do
to restore them all to normalcy and
get them ready for another jaunt
on Labor Day.
Happy Fourth of July! If you get
in a terrific traffic jam just blow
your horn and the guy who turns
around and swears at you will prob
ably be me.
distributed by McNauxht syndicsts. Inc)