Evening star., 1941-07-07

S'S'"'''"N'' ''''''~'''''' muSEsoe a crying
Henry MeLemore. need for Amer
lean spies to counteract them.
Since I grow a beard rather
quickly and enjoy interfering in
other peoples business. felt it my
duty to volunteer in the American
spy service.
1 thought this would be as simple
as enlisting in the infantry, artil-
lery or engineer branches of the
service. So l picked up the tele-
phone (after first putting on gloves
so as to leave no fingerprints) and
called the local Federal Bureau OF
Investigation headquarters.
A sepulchral voice finally an
sWered:
IF. B. I. field office"
told the voice of the F. 3. I.
exactly what wanted TO do That
with the country in a state Of emer-
gency, 1 wanted to be spy and was
there somebody there who could
tell me where to report for duty.
Il am sorry We cannot tell you
that" the F. B. I. spokesman said
in a voice that must have formerly
belonged TO Dracula's butler.
asked if there was some one who
could direct me to proper depart
ment for such information.
The F. B. / voice dropped even
lower, grew even more mysterious.
Il am sorry, We cannot tell you
| that"
This rebuff didn't stop me. It
could hardly be expected TO stop
man who in earlier years had wrung
direct quotations from such sphinx
like souls as Dizzy Dean. Max Baer.
Bill Tilden and Wendell Willkie
during the 1910 campaign.
So, changing my gloves and slip
| ping on a pair of dark glasses. I
called the United States Army In
formation Service.
I got a Col. Other
/ and told him how I wanted to serve
my country.
AS a matter Of fact, I told him
three times before ne got it qulJe
clear.
Listen" I said on the third re-
peat, Il want to be a spy. I am
healthy, patriotic, have average in
telllgenCe and feel that there must
be a place for a man who is willing
to spend a great deal of his time
ferreting out information
Listen. fellow" the officer said.
you'll have to take your place In
line. My Office is half-flled now
with women who want to be 1941
Matt Harris. They come in here
every day, four or five of them, and
volunteer to hang around night
clubs and pick up information. All
they want is 500 week spending
money and few evening clothes. "
The officer went on TO tell me
that all volunteers for spy service
were turned down. He said they
were turned down for the simple
reason that insofar as he knew and
insofar as all the other officers
knew, there was no such thing as
a spy.
Did you ever know a spy?" the
officer asked me. Did you ever
see a spy? Can you tell me the
name Of spy2 have been In the
Army since long before the last
war and never saw or heard Of a
spy. AS far as I know, the United
| States doesn't have spies"
Come 70 think Of 1t, I don't sup
pose I ever did know a SOY. A spv
wouldn't be much Of q spy, would
he, II he went around telling every
body he was spy, or wearing q red
suit marked spy" on the back.
Inc more you think about II, the
more you realize that the only spies
who ever got recognition must have
been pretty sorry ones. else they
never would have gained publicity.
The good ones do their work silently,
surreptitiously and successfully.
I can't help but be disappointed
by my failure to become a spy. In
the first place, what in the world
will I ever do with that stationery
with the letterhead "McLemme--
GX234"? In the second. Aber-
crombie & Fitch is being pretty
nasty about taking back my seven
new spy ensembles.
In the third place, my beard is
still growing.
| Distributed by McNaught Syndicate. Inc