Detroit evening times. (Detroit, Mich) 1921-1958, 1941-03-15
War Experts
Rated at Top
By Runyon
They'll Tell You Winner
Before Armies Battle
BY DAMON RUNYON

60 into a back room and with
Just pencil and a piece of
paper figure out in advance all
the military and naval moves of
the parties to a war. We con-
slider the war experts smarter
than the experts on world
politics who can tell you what
one of the master minds is
thinking even before he starts
to think.
The war experts can beat
that. They can tell you how the
wars are TO be fought before the
wars begin and with what re-
suits. For instance, we have
already followed some of the
war experts through several
battles of the war between the
United States and Japan which
has not yet been declared and
in fact is only vaguely contem-
plated. 1t seems that the United
States has not been going so
good with the war experts in
this war, either, because it
underestimated the strength of
Japan.
1t seems that we have had
several naval reverses off For
mosa, or some such place, and
that the Philippines are practi-
cally reeking with Japanese. 1t
seems that they have broken out
over the islands like a saffron
rash and are running Doug
Macarthur and his noble men
bowlegged and there is hell up
Ninth street in general, while
hordes of Jap submarines are
lying off Hawaii seriously i'm
peding tourist traffic from the
Hollywood movie colony to the
beach at Waikiki.
WE HAVE been bombed by the
w NaZiS per the war experts
from bases in North Africa,
South America, Mexico and even
Greenland. One war expert
some months ago tried to land
some panzer divisions or Welfare
Island, but we think they were
repulsed by the inmates of the
institution there. 1t is gratifying
to note that no matter how
badly we may be faring with
the war experts in the early
stages of the war, they concede
that we are going to come out
on top at the finish. That is
where you pay off-the finish.
However, we do wish they
would give us an inkling of what
we are doing to the other guy
now and then. We must be max
ing an occasional score. Our
bombers from the plane carriers
must be dropping a few hot
apples on Toxic. Tommy Harris
fleet must have accounted for
a couple of sampans loaded with
invaders. The war experts ought
to make some of the rounds
sound close, anyway, just to keep
us encouraged. thought we sup
pose war exporting requires the
same degree of accuracy de-
manded of exporting in other
fields.
NOW to show you the uncanny
~ prescience of the war ex-
pefts, we will bet that you could
put fellows like Gen. George
Catlett Marshall, Gen. Hugh
Drum. Gen. Ben Lear and all
the oti4e-bigg- geperalS-of-th
United States Army and all the
big admirals- of the Unite d
States Navy in room and
throw in Knox and Stimson, too,
and leave them there a month,
and they could not evolve in
advance a single definite plan
for fighting a war that has not
started.
They might have some general
ideas about fighting a war that
had already started, but figuring
out the one that had not started
would give them pause. Maybe
what we ought to do is to put
the war experts in charge of the
army and the navy, or at least
require soldiers and sailors to
read the writings of the experts.
1t would serve to keep them
abreast of the advance news of
their defeats.
COMETIMES the war experts
~ get crossed up. of course.
They had the Greeks getting the
skirts kicked off them by the
Italians in advance of the war
between those parties and the
Greeks went to work and gave
the Italians an awful betting.
But is one of the penalties in
any field to get crossed occa-
sionally. II makes an expert
look like a sucker for the mo-
ment. as folks love to exagger-
ate one muff while forgetting
scores of successful calls. We
know all about exporting because
we have been an expert ourself.
We were sports expert. and
a good one. if you will permit
little Boosting. Once we exported
the results in advance of Is pu-
gilistic contests. then got the
laugh from our public because
of error in one small detail in
exporting a contest between a
Mr.. Fred Fulton and Mr.. Jack
Dempsey. We exported this con-
tnrt-tnL nr,d In, ftn-firc round