The Waterbury Democrat., 1940-03-19

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 If he wears monocle and covers his face with hanky when the photogs try to take his picture, he's Erich Maria Remarque, the book writer. A touchy lad.
 If he leaves his table to play the drums and he's tall and red-headed and looks like Don Budge, you're right that's right!
 If one night her hair is long and blonde and the next black and bobbed, don't quit drinking. That's Sally Rand, a wig-lover.
 If she misses the villain and ap- plauds the hero at movie, and If you can hear her IA tables away in the Stork, that's T. Bankhead.
 If she's in the first r6w at the Paramount at the opening matinee throwing kisses at the orchestra leaoer-she's Broadway Rose. If she grabs your wing while you're walk ing with your wife near Lindy's and bellows: "Hullo, Darling, I miss you terTibly!" that's her again.
 If he refuses to pay his night club check until the minimum is re- moved (which he considers racket) his name is Peter Arno. If she's 8 tiny sepian doll on a big white horse in Central Park she's Maxine Sullivan. If he sounds like Popeye-he's Nick Kenny.
 If she toasts you: "Hokay, down the snatch!" keep your eyebrows down. She's only Carmen Miranda struggling with the language. If you see him walking through the Biltmore lobby in the daytime wearing 8 top hat, he's not an un- dertaker. He's MT. Justice Murphy, If he's drinking milk in night club he's Detective J. Frederick. If she eats macadamia nuts from her handbag she's Doris Duke. If he leaves a tip on the Automat table he's Bob Benchley. If he wears a nightgown he's George s. Kauf- man. If while he is talking he looks over your shoulder into the wall mirror he's James Cannon. l If he stops you and thunders 1 What comes after TSP" and you reply "76!" and he yells. That's the spee-rittl" it's Jimmy Durante l If he's in the front row of the press section at the fights and his mustached kisser is a head taller than all the other fellows-he isn't | Ernest Hemingway. He's Dan Par. ker-the bridegroom.
 If he looks terribly bored and his collars don't fit and you can't un4 derstand his muinbling, his name k Lucius Beebe.
 If the opening night is swanky and a little guy saunters in wear ing a brown suit that needs press ing and his hat is typical of tht average newspaperman-he'S nc critic. He's Burgess Meredith.
 If the very tanned man looks lik, Confucius in modern clothes, he; Lee Shubert. If he has cigar il his mouth necessarily he's Bel Bernie, Lou Holtz, Abe Lyman George Jessel or Jack Benny. I you heard the gag before, he's Mil ton Berle.
 If someone in Moore's is saying "Well, we're still running despit' MT. Winchelll" it's either Vim. Saro van or 8 DuBariy attache.
 If he's the one guy everybody il the place is glad to see and cha with for few moments, he name Dick Merrill. If she calls anybod (with 8 newspaper connecticut Darling" she's Peggy. Joyce.
 If she's a brunette and her face as pale as 8 ghosts she's eithe B. Frazier, D. Kilgallen or tn Stork bar cashier.
 And if he looks at you as thougl he wonders what your racket is- and what you really want from hir --and whyinell don't you get to tn point-his name isn't Billy Rose he's A Broadway ColumniSt,