Evening star., 1940-05-16
From the
Press Box
Lordner Makes Reply
To Cuustic Critics
BY JOHN LARDNER,

BY JOHN LARDNER,
Special Correspondent of The Star.
NEW YORK, May Is (NANA).-
1t happens now and then that
customer approaches me and says,
with a cold. searching look, Lard
ner, you blather rather freely about
sports, telling the athletes how to do
their work and what is wrong with
the way they do it. What did you
ever accomplish in the field of
sports, friend? In other words,
where do you get off at?"
Answering those questions in re-
verse order, usually get off at the
south end of the subway platform,
because that means less walking on
the way home. Secondly, l have
had very interesting career in
sports, and when I say interesting,
l mean there was never a dull mo-
ment, as many coaches will testify.
VINO was it, playing center in
football line which averaged 80
pounds (not counting shoulder pads)
from end to end, that invented the
famous fake penalty play? 1t was
me, or I, and when the play had
been executed with some success,
the referee took me aside and gave
me long and earnest lecture on
ethics in football
never have forgotten it, though
sometimes think I am the only
guy in the world who hasn't.
Poor Eyesieht Drives Him
From Diomond to Tonk
AS youth l played right field on
fast baseball team that ran up a
winning streak of 10 straight in a
school league. We were seeking our
1lth win, and the score was tied in
a late inning with a couple of the
enemy on base, when the batter
drove one high in the air to right
field. 1t landed right near me. The
grass needed shave in that part of
the ball park, and after 10 minutes
search I conceded the three runs,
which had scored some time before.
We never did find the ball.
"Lardner," said the coach after
wards, you didn't look too good on
that play"
What are you talking about
coach?" I replied, for 1 had a ready
wit even then. Il looked all over
the place."
Then you should be wearing
glasses" said the coach, and he
never spoke a truer word.
Modesty to one side, soon be-
came heck of a natator. SWIM
ming is a sport which does not call
for keen eyesight, and even as
shaveling I could thresh about so
yards Of water in slightly better
than 80 seconds. Duty called upon
me to report for the team. The
coach was impressed with my stuff.
You have possibilities. Lardner,
but they are highly latent" he said.
"You know the meaning of the
word latent?"
Let us not grub for phrases,
coach" told him. You are trying
to tell me something. Start over
again, and fight this nervousness
Out with it, man."
AristotIe's Philosophy Saves
John Lots Of Energy
well, have several buns who
can swim as well as you," said the
coach, relapsing into the vernacular.
BY developing your wind and leg
power, you can knock a couple of
seconds off your fastest time. Do
this: Swim back and forth across
the pool 100 times a day without
using your arms. On second thought,
make it 200.
On second thought, I compromised
on 10 times every other day, and
when the squad was cut, once more
was at liberty. The trouble with
swimming coaches is. they think
there is nothing in the world but
swimming
If you were preparing me for a
joust with the English Channel" I
told the coach, your methods would
not be too severe. AS it is, I hold
with Aristotle-the golden mean.
Moderation in everything"
The coach told me I was free to
hold with Aristotle from that time
forward. Once he grasped the fact
that Aristotle was guy who hardly
ever got his feet wet, the coach was
not interested.
Sentenced to Frosh Crew
For Stealing Muffins
The need for moderation also oc-
ours on the River Charles, where
the Harvard oarsmen operate their
galleys under the whips of couple
of grandsons of Simon Legree-the
coaching staff. For stealing mullins,
I was sentenced to serve two weeks
IN the second freshman boat. I
pulled stout oar in this shallop
until one day, when we had rowed a
couple of miles up the river and
were thinking how good stein of
beer would taste, the coach said,
"The water is great today. Let's
take her two miles farther, and then
back"
When point out to you that the
coach was riding this water in
launch, at the university's expense,
and getting his only exercise by spit
ting at dragonf1ies, you will see the
great injustice of it all. The next
day took up tennis and golf.
In other words. there is hardly
sport on the calendar in which I
am without experience. The trouble
Is, it makes too long story, so when
fellow comes up and asks me,
What did you do?" I reply in the
simplest possible way, with punch
on the button, which learned from
the Marquis of Queensberry.
Chess Veterans to Ploy
NFtu vNpH NEov &c rr,o f,,,