The Waterbury Democrat., 1940-05-20
TODAY'S
SPORT
PARADE
by HENRY McLEMORE
United Press star Correspondent


New York, May 20.--CUP)-This
country could use O laugh or two
right now, but apparently Judge
Kennesaw Mountain Lands doesn't
feel that way about IL.
From his throne room In Chicago
he has put the damper on O move
ment. which, II allowed 10 flourish,
might furnish even more merriment
than the judges own haircut.
] refer 10 the Judges Stcrnness
when he suspected Joe DiMasgio OF
having Oh agent whose duty II was
TO handle the financial affairs OF
the New York outflelder.
The judge was as tough as II he
had been tipped Off that DiMaggio
spent his spare time raising peoples
for opium purposes or removing
wet paint signs from freshly
painted park benches.
! won't waste any time Speculat-
Ing as 10 the judges right 10 pry
into q ball players private affairs
Apparently the old gent has powers
OF an absolute monarch and can do
anything t. q ball player, including
telling him how many minutes he
can have his eggs boiled and what
he can buy his kids for Christmas.
No Official paper has ever been pub
lished outlining the scope OF the
Lands powers, but judging from his
past performances they include such
things az the control OF the moon
and tides, the appearance OF Hal.
leys comet, the butter.fat content
OF Holsteln cows, and the price OF
Nylon stockings.
But the Judge shouldn't have
turned thumbs down on ball play
crs having agents. They have as
much right to them as Hollywood
actors, and what fun they'd bring
Into the game.
There'd he the matter OF billing,
for example. No agent worth his
accent would let his baseball client
take anything except top-billing In
the lineup. Can't you just hear
the agents Of Gabby Hartnett and
Ernie LOMBARD and Bill Dickey In
sisting that their men be made
lead-of hitters and not hidden way
down in the lineup? They wouldn't
listen to the argument that Gabby
and Erie and Bill were too slow to
lead-off.
Agents 'ould bring stand-ins to
the game, too. Just as Gable has
relief man when cameras are be.
ing focused and scenes rehearsed
The agents Of the baseball stars
would demand that their charges he
spelled during unimportant games
When the Brown or Phillies or Bees
or Athletics were the opposition, the
stars would lounge on the bench and
allow their UNDER studies (minor
league players or rookies) to play
In their stead.
As the baseball players undoubt-
eddy would Craw their agents from
the theatrical field, the agents
would raise a howl against double
headers, or two-a-day shows. Stars
uoi play the tWO-a-uay Circuit.
Game Too Serious
Agents would make scenes, too
when their charges were taken out
for pinch-hitters. And what agent
would allow a pitching client 10
suffer the indignity OF being sent
to the showers, even though he was
being hit to all corners Of the field
All OF this would bring q lighter
touch into q game that Is growing
entirely too serious. The average
baseball game these days is like a
page out Of Eugene O'Neill or Hen
drick Ibsen. Stem young men, gov
erned by stern statutes. playing Q
stern game In stern manner.
It's such q stern pastime. IN fact
that ] doubt n Judge Landles him.
self has seen more than Is inningl
I'll etaAun.