Evening star., 1939-12-31
RESOLUTIONS
bvW. e. FIELDS

0Y w. u. k464OS
Continvsd from poss six
yelled at the top of his voice, Git" - have
always considered this document a meticulous
model of jurisprudence and foresight:
Il, w. c. Fields, being of sound mind and
body, agree that during the year of 1882 l
will cease and desist from eating spun sugar
except under the following circumstances:
ID If said spun sugar is forced upon me by
a person or persons unknown, professional
bartenders included. (2) If above mentioned
spun sugar is disguised beyond reasonable
recognition. (0 If spun sugar in question is
the only means of sustenance available due to
special and extraordinary conditions, circum-
stances, ETC., ad libitum, to be the judge"
This resolution never had the slightest
trouble with. and that is because left myself
beoucoup - meaning plenty 1--WE are not all up
on foreign languages) of legal leeway.
The truth is - and this is the most daring
statement have ever made except where
and when only circumstances altered my
opinion for reasons best known to myself -
the whole custom Of New Years resolutions is
based on an insidious fault Of logic!
There, now, you have it - the whole un-
vanished And the amazing thing about it
is that the fault is an extremely simple one,
but for thousands of years - may l add,
many thousands of years? - mankind has
entirely overlooked it. 1t has remained for one
heroic individual of peerless ingenuity to put
his mind to the problem and uncover the
seemingly intangible solution. speak mod
estly of W. c. Fields. wish you could all see
my face as blushingly pen these lines.
Iquote from my own work titled, Inquiry
Into Self-Imposed Tortures" Cthe Malay
States bought practically the whole edition.:
Ninety three per cent of New Years resolu
tons fail because they are based on frustra-
ton. Tell person he must no longer eat
pomegranates, and he'll be nervous wreck
until he does eat them. Pomegranates 0u rum,
ala Papa.
Agood illustration of this was the case of
friend of mine whom we shall call A. His
name began with M, but we'll still call him A,
Just to keep it scientific. A was in the habit
of walking to work, and his path took him
through the municipal ZOO. He had walked
through the ZOO many thousand times and felt
au fat (okey -dokey) on all occasions - until
the fatal day when he saw freshly painted
sign on the bars of the lions cage: HANDS OFF!
He began to fret, to feel jumpy and ILL
natured. He stood it for three months, and
then one Thursday morning, shortly after
St. Swithin's Day, he stalked straight up to
the HANDS OFF! sign and grabbed the bars of
the cage firmly Immediately his Illustration
disappeared completely - and two seconds
later, to the tune of angry snorts and roars, so
did his hands. The HANDS OFF! sign had been
correct. That's the price that one man paid
to get rid of his Illustration - and he says it
was worth it. Would you like to play cards?"
a friend one day little later chided him.
Eyes, deal me a couple of hands" was his
curt rejoinder.
Illustration - that is the great trouble
with America today. And if the nation would
only grit its teeth and say, I'm going to fol-
low the Fields Plan this New Years." every
thing would iron itself out beautifully.
For the Fields Plan is 50 infinitely simple!
It is based on one all-important fundamental
principle: instead of prohibiting person from
doing what he'd like to do, force him to do
what he'd like to do. And it's all done with
New Years resolutions.
The Fields Plan is so pleasant that even
foI11 Iloro ho