The Washington times., 1938-02-26
HlylI E1IyIIL|
By ED SULLIVAN
There Ought to Be a Law
HOLLYWOOD, Cal, Feb. &c.

the odds would be prohbive that couldn't stick in
hand and pull out one designated number
Yet night after night your Coast consul attends prevews
at theaers seating from 5000 to 5000 persons and in
variably picks directly in front of seakcker,
"woodpecker," program riffer wind-sucker, gum
chewer other variety of the Streptococc which
poison the blood stream of the cinema.
The prevew of Bringing Up Baby was held at the
Pantages Theater Hollywood The manager told me-
the way in that his house seated 1896 people With the
instinct of homing pigeon, I bundered through the
darkened theater and picked seat at random In minute
the still of the night shattered by the thud of shoe
the back of my seat It thud in wofour time There
would be two kicks pause and then four kicks staccato
It the first time in nerve-shattered that I'd
met twofour time seatkicker, and for 10 minutes
sat quietly while studying his technique Then turned
and glared him. my boodshot eyes boring through the
darkness. Boom!" He almost kicked right out of the
seat with longloping swing. knew then that was
backtoface with of the best in the business This
was no novice. This champion of champions.
%NARY GRANT and Katharine Hepburn the screen
~ with Baby the leopard but ignoring them turned to
the dropkckng and in tones that drpped
ice all the carpet asked him to desist The only
response mufed grunt He stopped kicking but sub
uted his knees for the foot With his knees wedged against
the back of the chair he experiment with rotary motion that
had me swinging emicirce I've covered so much
ground sitting down Next time go to prevew I'm going
to wear spurs to stay in the saddle.
At the Godwyn Folles" premiere, human woodpecker
sneaked in behind He wearing and suddenly
there upon the evening breeze shower OF
He was keeping time with the music by beating out counter
melody the metal part Of seat and Toscannl never
handled baton exprty this streptococcus handled
cane Finally got him to stop, but under his breath ne
whispered something that sounded suspcousy like scum
DROGRAM- RIFFLERS are of the celophane tearing
Il school, which has large American enrolment The
programrffer his thumb back and forth rapidly over
the taut edges of his program and ow moaning noise Is
sues At first you look under the seats to baby has
been left behind mistake You yank the darkness at the
arm of passing usherete and confde fears to her.
This animated gowworm hereupon whips out her fashgh
and sprays under the Seats bringing to light one left rub
ber an old Charlie Mccarthy DOLL whiskey bottle, and half
cheese sandwich but there is no baby visible.
The dentfrice school of cinema sreptococc includes the
chewer the and the gnat who sucks at his
teeth There types Of gumchewers-the snappers
and the rollers The snapper bundle OF nerves and at
tender age his daff parent frightened by machine
gun That is the only possible explanation OF the noises
which child fashions from stick of gum You
fully appreciate the acoustics of the human mouth until an
expert gumchewer, either snapper roller creeps into
the seat your The toohsucker always comes to the
theater after eating mulberry bushes think because moth
ing but mulberry bushes could wedge themselves into his
back and forth in his teeth he breaks off match
and that to pry loose whatever he has mad in his
dental work. and then he sucking his teeth The only
then is to get and not only leave seat but
leave the theater. a5&4 So. *
HEN there the ashma species of cinema streptococci
i which manifess itself in heavy breathing You never
know of these present until suddenly your
hair starts waving gently to and fro top of your head
There is nothing mystfyng darkened theater this
unduating motion of your hair and wearing
oupee the possibilities nothing short of terrifying be-
of these heavy beahers gets the range he
can bend your back and forth with the greatest
The armrest duest is throwback to the swordsmen of
ancient days. You go into theater and sit down in the
which you have leased You find that the person the
next seat resting his her elbow your armrest
Watching him. her. like hawk you wait until the elbow
momentary disappears and hen with the swftnss Of the
wind your elbow leaps to the armrest 1t is when he,
she learns of your coup that the duel of elbows starts This
often leads to deep friendships and Scared and aeerated
elbow proof that you theatergoer of standing.
This of course is only cursory inventory have only
touched lightly the subject of theater pests However,
like stamp collectors let exchange "reminiscences What