Evening star., 1938-12-18
Santa Claus Is Voted Down
In GHdiron Dinner Skit
President Among Distinguished Guests
Of Newspopermen at Winter FroIic
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Continued From First Page)
stage, carrying empty sacks out OF
which f1oated- few feathers. They
sang their song about how they
fused to have fun, used to be gay
but now I'VE are sad the nve-long
day" because Santa Claus has been
voted down."
The scene veered to the watery
domain of King Neptune along the
Equator. From the horns and
strings Of the Marine Orchestra
came the stirring notes of a cere-
monial march as King Neptune and
his court trod upon the stage with
an announcement that the United
States delegates to the Lima Confer
ence were to be brought before him
as polywogs.
"Ho! Ho!" shouted Neptune.
They'll show their good will by
coming home without their shirts
Spurred on by the prongs Of Davy
Jones trident, in shuffled four be-
draggled polywogs Secretary OF
State Cordell Hull, ALI M. Landon,
Assistant Secretary of State Adolph
A. Berle and President OHara of
Notre Dame University.
Plead Case With Neptune.
In turn they pleaded their case
with Neptune. Hull asserted he
was on his way to perfect scheme
Of "hemispherical defense-fifty- fif-
ty-we give and they take!" The
only reason Landon had for going
to Lima was that he has "a friend
in the White House, helped put
him there" Berle pompously stated
he was a trade expert, that he was
going to stimulate trade with South
America by first making agreements
with our southern neighbors, then
lend them money, then buy their
bonds; but when Neptune demanded
to know what happens after that,
Berle blandly commented, Moth
ing"
Neptune quickly discovered the
polywogs were not Lima-bound dip
lomats at all, but Washington news
paper correspondents on their way
into the Gridiron Club. Landon
was exposed as James T. Bergman
of The Washington Evening Star,
Secretary Hull as Raymond z. Henle
of the Pittsburgh Gazette,
Berle as Bernard Kilgore of the
Wall Street Journal, and Father
O'Hara as Paul R. Leach of the
Chicago Daily News. And when
President Holmes thundered out
that there were supposed to be five
new members initiated into the club,
John Russell Young of The Wash
ington Evening Star was found to
be masquerading as King Neptune.
Fifty Cent Wheat for Nothing.
The administrations attempt to
solve the farm problem and the
Middle Western farmers revolt
against the New Deal last November
was subjected to satire as three
STRENGTHENING sons of the soil were
portrayed contemplating the situa-
ton across a section of country
fence. Farmer Jones wanted to
know of his neighbor how it felt to
be back in the Republican party.
Feels about the same" replied
Farmer Brown, Il amt been no.
where. I amt seen nothin. Things
are same as when I left. Wheat's
so cents bushel again, and my
belly's slack as circus tent"
Yep, that's right" interjected
Farmer Smith. 1T cost Roosevelt
so billion dollars to give us So
cent wheat"
Hoover gave us 50-cent wheat for
nothin," opined Farmer Jones.
Interrupting this exchange of bu-
collie philosophy, DR.. Georges Gallup,
pad and pencil in hand, walked on
the stage. He announced he had
come to take a poll of farmer SEN
timent, and promptly interrogated
the trio as to just what is the mat
ter with Secretary of Agriculture
Henry Wallace. Farmer Jones reck-
oned as to how 1t was that three
price system.
Stock Market Gets 1t All.
"The domestic market gets one
price," he commented, the foreign
market gets another price, and the
stock market gets 1t ALL
And the farmer felt it just as
plain" drawled Smith.
Farmer Smith added that last
year the farmer experienced a
scourage 1.-The like of which you amt
never SEEN" 1t was, he said, "a big
red-eyed bull bug with long, shaggy
hair"
He not only ct up the corn and
ct up the wheat" Gallup was told,
"but he closed up the packing plants
and stopped all the trucks. He al
most ct up the Democratic party.
Why brother, he sitdown on every
thing"
The astounded DR.. Gallup de-
manded to know what manner of
phenomena this could be. Was he
black, he asked, was he green-or
was he red?
Yes, he was red" the trio Of
farmers cried out in unison. He
was John L. Lewis"
How did that bug get out here?"
asked Gallup.
On Slicker's Coattails.
HE came out on the coattails Of a
city slicker from New York who
called us my friends and sold us
gold bricks" was the reply.
What did you do about it?"
Gallup pursued.
I'VE voted!" was the laconic, but
impressive, response, land they felt
1t just as plain"
When the lights went up on the
next scene the dinner guests looked
upon a South Carolina cotton field
where two colored cotton pickers
were at work-one picking the
snowy puffs, the other putting them
back-leisurely at work on Cotton
picking Project, No. ST.
But it soon developed that their
real duty was to clean up the field
for a cotton-field conference to be