The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1938-01-27

l realize the poor starving politicians
cannot be allowed to go on home re-
lief. Probably their homes would
have no sense of relief at all if they
stayed home all day. Also I am per-
fectly well aware that the office hold
ers have short season Of it, even
four years isn't much, so naturally
they have to provide for their lean
years while they can, or some day
they might have to go to work.
know, too, that the Government Ma
chinery has to be supported although
why it can't come down to earth in
stead, is beyond me. Oh heck, what
[ mean is, know that taxes are nee
essary for the Public Veal. Or maybe
it's the Public Veal-you know, kill
ing the fat-head calf. Aw, pepper
mints; I'll quit trying to be high
hat about it and admit that all l know
is you've got to pay em or else
So as long as taxes have got to be
paid. why not make them popular?
Nobody minds giving up their dough
for something which gives them a
thrill-why, they will even give up
other peoples dough for that. SO in
my simple feminine fashion, propose
that we quit taxing necessary things
the Putnam Plan.
To begin with, this plan would take
the tax off of theater tickets and put
it on to wives who take singing les
sons at home. Don't cheer, boys, this
won't stop them.
The plan says further that there
shall be a tax on every spectator at
all sensational divorce or murder
trials.
All malicious gossip shall be taxed
at a rate of 20 per cent of the net
income of the gossiper And a tax
of 5 per cent of the gross income
of the gossipee.
All smoking room stories over one
year old shall be taxed at the rate of
so cents per repetition. With a tax
collector stationed at every cocktail
party this source alone should bring
the treasury ample funds with which
to finance all of the Presidents ap-
preparations and leave enough over for
bromo settler.
Practical jokes shall be taxed on a
sliding scale. That gives me an idea!
Can you just picture a fat woman
stepping onto a sliding scale? Huh!
SO you won't laugh, Ell? Oh well, what
do l care? But this is a rich idea,
this taxing practical jokes. And what
I really started out to say was, the
jokes would be taxed in proportion to
their cleverness and originality. The
dumber the joke, the higher the tax.
Joe Cook, for instance, would get off
practically free.
The list of properly taxable things
could go on practically endlessly, be-
ginning with visits from mothers-in-Iaw
and ending with buttered parsnips, and
such a tax list, far from making Mr..
Taxpayer, the Forgotten Man and Mr..
Average Citizen feel even more gloomy
than they look from their pictures in
the papers-well, far from making
them feel oppressed, it would have
them practically laughing out loud.
Nobody could object to seeing a guy
pay tax on stale egg, or shell out
ten bucks to the government for hav-
ing said "Olive Oir' or "Abyssinia'
as farewell to pal.
In fact, this Perfect Putnam Plan
if carried out properly, might even
result in the happy populace digging
up the tax money for their taxed
brethren voluntarily, with song and
dance, instead of giving the govern
ment song and dance about not being
able to pay at all, the way a lot of
them do now.
But all this depends on my plan be-
ing carried out, and don't mean feet
first, either.
q Nina Wilcox Putnam.-WNU Service.