Evening star., 1938-12-17
From the
PRESS Box
Few Human Flies in '38:
BulIet-Euters Star
BY JOHN LARDNER,

NEW YORK, Dec. 17.-In my ca
pacity Of national commissioner of
miscellaneous, unclassified and
screwball sports-from whom there
is no appeal and very seldom an
honest decision-I am about to pub
nsh the honor roll for 1888.
Before plunging into the midst of
this happy task, would like to say
that 1888 was a lean year-a bum
year, in fact-throughout the league
Peanut-pushing- -With-the-nose was
quiet. Marathon knitting was mori-
bund. Corn on the cob eating
tsprint division was at a standstill.
Bridge jumping opened strong,
but closed weak. In justice to
bridge jumpers, I should point out
that this sport has become illegal
In many States, forcing the ath-
letes to look for small, out-of the
way bridges and jump off OF them
In comparative obscurity. Maybe
the rookie crop of bridge jumpers
was good this year, but have no
way OF telling. If any one secuted
promising bridge jumper, human
fly or flagpole sitter during the
season, kindly communicate with
j. Lardner, national commissioner,
and will register the kid and
make out his license in the proper
form.
Bullet t-SwoIIowing Mark
Made on Dry Trock
The ace 1agpole sitters, includ-
Ing Shipwreck Kelly, were dor
mant. Perhaps I should say stag
nant. I don't want to mince words.
The closest we came to a respec-
table flagpole crouch all year was
the case of steeplejack in Iowa
who was Short-changed by the town
council on church job and
threatened to lounge on the steeple
till he got his full fee. He con-
stltuted such an eyeSore that l be-
lieve the town compromised ana
lured him down by splitting the
difference.
That is not flagpole-sitting at its
purest and finest, by any means. And
: what about marathon piano playing?
What of Buddy Finch of Ohio, world
SildtiiPiOil AolloSSullNC llOll-CldSSlCdl
piano player? What of Oscar
Omerth of Paris, France. world
champion consecutive saXophonist,
with a record of 48 hours to his
credit in my book? Not a blat was
heard out of Oscar all year.
Looking on the bright side of the
thing, 1888 was a banner year for
og-chopping, marathon bicycle rid
ing and consecutive school-going.
Without further ado-I have given
you all the ado 1 can spare right now
here is the honor roll:
Bullet-SWallowing (38-caliber di-
visionl-Boishia Cyril Byron. Sc
years of age. New York City, swal-
lowed and digested three bullets over
a dry track on June 49,
Consecutive going to = Sunday
school-Gene Boulden, II, of Cecil
ton, Md, stretched his record to
seven years (Streak still intact in
the face of great odds, taking chick
en- pox in his stride by sitting on the
steps outside the building for two
consecutive Sundays.
Movie-going for time and distance
Emily Weston, IA. of London, Eng
land 18 times week. total elapsed
time of 66 hours 54 minutes. Miss
Weston was extended by Rose
Thompson of Lower footing -In-the
Valve, who tied her for number of
movies, but finished u hours behind
in elapsed time.
Two Poirs Of Trousers
Go With Sunburn Coot
Freckles number and volume
Francis (one-roundD McCluskey,
10, New York City, total of l,07l
adult freckles. McCluskey claimed
he was the victim of short count.
but the commission will disallow
his claim.
Marathan bicycle riding-Charles
E. Cain of Ambridge, Pa, and
squad rode to a total Of 500 hours.
154 hours better than the former
record held Jointly. by Boy Scouts
of Detroit.
Consecutive lodge attendance
John Hay of Tonawanda, N. Y, reg
istered late bid for the national
title with his unbroken streak OF
81 years.
Log chopping (sprint division)-
Walter Hubley of Lake Williams,
Nova Scotia, 26 AS seconds, 10
inch log.
Ship-kettle- boiling against the
elock-Burton Frayle of Lake Will
liams, Nova Scotia, got his pot boil
ing in 3 minutes SO seconds, after
being left at the post by good field.
cewhitewashing tom Sawyer
observation-disclosures Burns, u,
Of New York City, one section
tthree-ply paneling) in minutes
1925 seconds. Burns broke three
times before getting the starters Of
f1cial signal and had to be started
outside the barrier.
Corn -husking against time-Ted
Balko, 33, of Redwood Falls, Mimi,
husked 1924 bushels in 80 minutes,
to win the national championship.
The attendance was 125 1000.
Duck-calling-Harry R. Wieman
~, of Stuttgart, Ark, retained his
national title in the key of three
flats.
Sunburn depth and tone)-FeliX
Brooks of Lackawanna, N. Y, and
Mrs. Elsie Rue of Toronto won a leg
, apiece on the Bernarr MacFadden
Tanner Torsos Trophy with record
breaking coats of tan. There are
two pairs of trousers with each coat.
The National Screwball Commis-
sion wishes at this time to scowl