The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1938-01-20
DORIS 1 .!
Happiness Depends on
Honesty in Marriage,
Writer Advises.

&8*38*88
Honesty in Marriage, m
M Writer Abuses. M
DEAR DORIS DENE: 1 am
- twenty-nine years old and am
in love with a girl who is more in
telligent than / am in many ways.
She is very sensitive and I respect
her and love her deeply. We have
known each other for three years
and l have often been unfaithful to
her. She now wants to know the
truth and I am afraid to tell her
since think 1 may lose her. She
is absolutely Obsessed with the idea
of fidelity and something has put a
suspicion into her mind. / don't
know how to handle the situation
and want above everything else not
to lose herr. III. M.
ANSWER-If the girl is sensitive
and imaginative, the odds are
against her being kept in complete
ignorance as to the wild oats you
have sown. She will meet friends
of yours who may be in remini-
scent mood, and if you've deceived
her with some artistic lying, the
shock may be greater to her nerv-
Gus system than you have any idea
of. Even in this day and age there
are women who are idealists about
love. They won't accept half-meas-
ureS. They won't believe half-truths.
They carry around with them glo-
rious vision of perfect love and the
breath of suspicion corrodes their
happiness and skaters their dream.
There are dozens OF times uhen the
truth is far better left unsaid tohen q
calm acceptance OF the facts OF life is in
order and Uhen deception is kinder than
cruel fact.
But If toonan is so constituted that
knowledge OF her future husbands inf.
delities is absolutely necessary to her
hdppiness-it is tUiSer to take no chances
about reading her a book of pretty phite
lies. .-..
For the type of, love which is built
on a dream-and which asks abso-
lutte perfection of that dream may
be insubstantial-may depend en-
tirely for its maintenance on COM
plete truth and understanding.
Therefore, establishment to this
kind of love means not only misery
and suffering but an actual depar-
ture of the grande passion.
And so, r. H. M, if your lady de-
mands the whole sad story, give it
to her now. Let her know the truth
before you've both crossed a bridge
it's difficult to recross. Since she
has insisted on this confession, you
have no real right to decide that
she'd much better be lied to.
TOM: 1t would be a happy expe-
L rience for me if I could hand
out a recipe to people like you
whose lives have become complete
ly tangled up with a series of mis-
takes if could say cOmforta bly, :
''Do this and that and you will sud-
denly find yourself divorced from
the wrong girl and married to the
right one" Over and over again
these piteous stories come in-of
misunderstanding and lack of faith
which led to hopeless marriages.
And then of reconciliation and love
too late. And then the eternal cry /:
'What shall I do? How shall 1 get
out Of my marriage which has last
ed Ia years and resulted in several
children, so that / can marry the
girl I've always wanted?"
Believe me, we always have
to come back to the same old
theme song, however dreary the
sound of it: that unless two people
married to the wrong mates, can
break away clearly, secure a divorce
and start life over again, there is no
happiness nor any hope for the love
they bear each other.
Men and women undertake more
than just living with each other,
when they marry. They uncon-
sciously sign contract which is
far more binding than it looks when
you read the divorce statistics. They
form associations and habits togeth-
er-they are bound by a million in
finitesimal ties, even though they
have never loved each other truly
and when the time comes for a
great break, it isn't only the chill
dren who stand in the way of the
divorce. It's their deep unconscious
dependence on each other-their I'M
willingness to break up a married
life which has become almost an
institution to them.
And so, epen when they're blinded BY
great love and dazzled by radiant
hope OF happiness they stand back, fear
full to make the great break; and too
weak to giUe up the netU hope OF happi-
ness. And the result OF that is miserable
uncertainty for hUo lovers and the utter
decentralization OF tiUo households.
Since affairs of this kind don't
stand still, Tom, should advise you
to take some step yourself. Your
infatuation and hers has reached a
pitch where very little will be hid
den from the world in a few weeks.
You must be strong in one direc-
ton or the other. You must give
up this dream of new life, or else
you must give up entirely the old
established order of things-prepare
to do without the life which has
meant responsibility and compare
tive contentment for so long.
Once before you made up your
mind to be brave and put memories
behind you. That was when you
married the wrong girl. Now you
can be strong again and put away
your hopes and dreams forever.