The Waterbury Democrat., 1938-12-05
CHAPTER xXIv

when Judy AlcOCC lelC Cne NdVdl hospital, her heart was heavy, lifeless lump inside her. She felt stiff, old. Weary as she had never felt before. Her fingers touched her lips with a sort of loathing, with a stunned disbelief that they could have been the medium through which she had lied to Jack Hanley. Lied again. How many times had she lied to him? She had lost count.
 She felt his hurt, she felt the sickening senseless blow she had given him, but she was powerless to stop herself. Something urgent egged her on. Something compel ling and indescribable. Something compounded of the songs she had danced to with Dwight Campbell, the sound of their laughter blend- ing. Something that was part of the kisses he had given her and part of that night on the Texar- kama when he told her he was marrying Marvel. Everything she had lived through everything they had lived through together - was separate and alive in her memory. The memories made a little chain, like bracelet of thorns. There was his voice, asking her to help Marvel get along. And Mar veTs voice saying, You love him." There was the time both of them stood before her and said, twill you be the maid of honor?" And the wedding - and the party in the the atrical, over-done house. And Mar vel's voice whipping at her in the room on the ship.
 Why couldn't she be done with it? Why couldn't she cast him out of her heart? Jack was the most wonderful man girl could have. Fine and true and honest. Jack, who showed her his whole heart, who wanted nothing but her hap piness. Jack, on whom she had depended for so long, and who would never fail her, no matter what it cost him.
 But she knew, anguishedly, that it wasn't enough. Knowing his worth wasn't enough. There had to be that other, mysterious alchemy, that pull that drew you to him, that made yorrs blood water in your veins, and your will soft and useless at the sound of his voice. There had to be emptiness when he wasn't near you, and singing happiness when he was close. Not just satisfaction. Not just contentment. Nothing that she had with Jack was enough. The flaming promise of what might have been herS leaped to life every time she heard Dwight's name.
 She had parked the car couple of blocks away from the hospital. She could not see to drive any more. Her hands shook on the wheel. She'd have to calm herself. She lit 8 cigaret. It was no good.
 People passed. Faceless, anony- nous people. Were they all happy? Or did everyone have his secret grief? She thought, suddenly sec ing everything clearly, that tt wasn't the brief that counted. She had had hers = Wards death, long ago. Other things. It wasn't the grief. It was having, if only for 8 little while. the glittering mil rage, the promised miracle. Feel ing it, close in your hand. Touch ing it. Sensing it. Letting it flame through you, coming alive under its spell. If you lost it afterward If 1t broke your heart and ruined your world - it was still worth while. Still the most beautiful thing a human being could have. Diane had had it. Nights in the little bungalow, in Bills arms. Her mother had had it.. She was lucky. It had changed imperceptibly to the solid affection, the staid warmth of growing old. Even Mar vel had had it. Marvel who had married Dwight because she wanted to. Marvel, who had left when she grew tired.
 "Judy!" She jerked her head up, scracely believing she had really heard her name. "Judy!"
 For a moment, she felt numb. And then, seeing him open the door, seeing his lean, tanned face, and the curly hair under his cap, she said Dwight"
 He sat down beside her. The door closed. She heard it close. This must be real. It must be hap pening. But she didn't believe it yet.
 T was walking - not going any, where - just walking" he said. When I saw your car, I thought at first l was dreaming"
 I'm dreaming" said Judy. You're not really here"
 He looked at her. His eyes were deep wells of pain. I'm here. all right" he said with a little mirth- less laugh. There's no place else to go. I couldn't stand the house Its her house, anyway"
 She folded her hands together. She mustn't tremble so. would it help you to tell me what hap pened. Dwight?"
 You've heard. Everybody's talking. God, is there any place more vicious about gossip than the Navy? Everybody watches every one else. You can't have a free, private moment. You can't have a private thought!"
 "It must be that way eyerv- where" she said, rememberinp how few private thoughts she had