Evening star., 1937-07-01
Happy New Year!


On this first day of the new fiscal year
the District OF Columbia lies financially
sick abed with DR.. Senate sharpening
MS saws and scalpels and preparing
sterllized dressings for what looks like
an emergency operation The patient
does not know exactly where the cutting
Will begin or where it will end. All he
knows is that it is going to hurt. For
he has been around doctors before.
About this time last year, he remem-
bers in his lucid moments, DR.. Senate
and his colleague, DR.. House, decided
that what the patient needed was an
expert diagnosis at the hands of a group
OF specialists. The fee to be charged
s50oOO-Was pretty stiff one, as such
fees go, but the doctors and the patient
agreed that If the cause of that con-
slant pain in the neck could be located,
the money would be well spent.
Well, the specialists were called in.
They set up laboratory and they made
various tests, examined the patient S
insides and made him hop up and down
on one foot to see if his heart beat anv
faster-if at all. At last they sub
nitted a report, advising, in highfalutin
language, that the patient was suffering
from loss of blood and what he needed
was to be bled.
The diagnostician's report was sub
mitted to DR.. House, who turned it down
after brief examination of the dag
noticians themselves. DR.. House seemed
to suspect that the diagnosticians we're
under the impression that it was the
doctor, not the patient, who was in need
Of treatment and he would have none
OF it.
The patient found that his money had
been thrown down another rat hole,
which made him feel worse than ever.
So DR.. House took him in charge and
advised number of possible operations,
ranging from beheading down to the less
drastic processes of physiotherapy,
naturopathy and chiropody. He turned
called in DR.. District Building, an old
friend Of the family The assistant
and DR.. District Building having con-
flned their practice In the past to pre-
scribing pills, and knowing nothing of
surgery, grew panicky over the thought
OF an operation and spent much of their
time running rapidly in all directions
and threatening the patient with all
the tortures perfected by tax experts
since their forefathers of the Spanish
1nquisition. DR.. District Building, In
1act, became quite bloodthirsty, for
getting entirely his friendly relationship
with the patient and regarding him
merely as another guinea pig.
The operation by DR.. House may have
been successful, from the doctors point
OF view, but it was rather hard on the
patient. To keep from cutting himself
the good doctor adopted the novel ex-
pedient of standing away from the
operating table and throwing his knives
at and into the patient
And in a weakened condition the
patient now awaits DR.. Senate. This
naturally we'll intentioned gentleman
asked for advice and received it. Some
consultants advised cutting off the feet,
IN order to protect the head Others
argued heatedly that the amputation
should be performed at the neck, thus
saving the lower extremities Some ad-
vised the pain technique, with the
thought that it does not matter where
you cut, just so it hurts. Others were
for anything, so long as the patient could
be fooled into believing he was never
touched. So DR.. Senate decided to 90
to work on his own and see what he
could find.
Under these circumstances about the
only thing to do, as the patient is rolled
into the operating room, is to wish him
q Happy New Year and the hope that it
may brfng to him the realization that
the time has come for him to work a
miracle on himself, take up his bed and
walk and, If need be, begin operating on
the doctors.