The Coolidge examiner., 1936-10-09
BEING CORRECT AND PROPER

| ~ NCE there was a Man named
Alonzo rockingham whose
Y wife used to baWl him out
something scandalous on ac-
count of his crude Manner of
Speech and his Penchant for using
all of the Smart Aleck Slang he
could pick up. Even when Com
pany was present he made no ap-
parent effort to recognize the Pres
ence Of the Dominic or the College
Profs, but seemed to take a loaf
erish Delight in saying. right out in
front of them, mot on your Whis-
kers!" or How do you get that
Way?" or, possibly "I'll tell the
cock-eyed World" He was sure an
! Injun.
The wife, whose front name was
Mehitabel, often told him that one
Reason why she let out such Yelp
about his Coarse Language was that
he had no Excuse for pulling the
Hick Stuff He had been ircubated
in an Atmosphere Of Culture, and
later. attended the State University.
He had read all the Works Of Sir
Walter Scott and Robert w. Cham
berS. He had delivered Orations
which were Scholarly and full Of
bang-up Words such as "Vouch-
safe, "Eleemosynary" and "Perad-
venture" so what was the Large
| Idea of trying to. make folks think
he was a Longshoreman?
No matter how thoroughly a Lady
is on to his Permanent Affliction
and however low may be her Esti-
mate of his Moral Grandeur and
Intellectual Prowess, she always
tries to be loyal to his Nobs and
spread the Impression among the
Neighbors that he is a Combination
of Elihu Root, Calvin Coolidge. the
Pope, ex-President Eliot and Dr.
William Lyon Phelps of Yale. He
may be Mutt at Home but when
he gets to the Bench Show he is a
Worlds Champion with a Ribbon
around his Neck.
Now there was simply no Let-up
to Mehitabel Raging Alonzo on ac-
count of his Prediction for the
low-brow Vernacular.
She dinged at him so long that
finally he made what is known as
| The Married Mans Compromise,
i. e., he decided to let her have her
own way in Everything He said
he would Chop out the Chuck Con-
nors Dialect and make Lindley
Murray sound like a Vulgarian.
VERBAL AVALANCHE
At that, the Good Wife was not
prepared for the Verbal Confection-
cry which he began to lavish upon
her. For instance, they were seated
at the Dinner Table and she wanted
to know if he had put in pleas
ant and profitable Day, whereupon
he replied: ION the Contrary, l
have been subjected to a Series of
rather narrowing Experiences, all
tending to disturb my Calm and
ruffle what is, under all but abnor-
NAL Circumstances, truly Angelic
Temper"
Have you gone off your Nut?"
asked Mehitabel.
mo ma'am, l am trying to let you
know Everything went Punk with
me today, but I am endeavoring to
convey that Information in Lam
! guage so chaste and dignified that
even my best Pal and severest
Critic cannot find Fault with her
little Alonzo."
You can lay off the cheap and
rowdy Expressions without trying
to make a Fool of the Dictionary" ;"
suggested friend Wife.
unfortunately l cannot do so, !"
he replied. There doesn't seem to
be any happy Compromise between
Slang and Jaw-breakers. When one
decides to correct his manner of
Speech by refraining from the cur
rent Catch-Phrases of the Street,
the homeIy ColloquialiSms and all
of the barbarous Americanisms
which are so repulsive to High
School superintendent, he finds
himself at once imbedded in Bog
of Polysyllabic CircumlOcutionS."