The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1936-12-24
UNBUTTONING THE VEST
OF INVESTIGATIONS
BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM

TO SOONER does spring move
IN in and help clean up the flu
epidemic than another one
starts sweeping the country
like a Victorian lady's train, stirring
I'D a lot Of dirt and germs and trip
ping up many an unsuspecting by
stander. I refer, of course, to the
fresh epidemic of investigations which
has suddenly broken out like rash
in all the newspaper headlines; rash
is probably right.
All! Fooled you that time! You
thought was going to pull the we'll
worn spring fever out of the bag. But
no, this year am going to leave spring
fever to the patients themselves and
let them struggle through alone. Any
how, that's one disease people like to
get and hate to be cured of, so far
be it from me to join the Poets Union
Local 13 and gargle about the symp-
toms.
For several reasons that I can't
think of just now, feel this epidemic
of investigations ought to be Quelled.
Pm not just sure what quelled means,
but / think it's form of rubbing or
back-scratching. We can make it rib
bling, if you prefer. At any rate some
thing should be done before it reaches
the NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS.
vestigate-me" stage. First thing you
know the entire population will be liv-
ing by washing each others dirty lin
en- in public.
One trouble is that vice-investiga-
tors are entirely different from vice
presidents. l mean, the former get
all the publicity. And the trouble with
most ADMINISTRATIONS is, that their
only result is demotion for one cop
and big bill for the taxpayers.
{ When it comes to investigations
which rip open stock deals, bank busts
and eloping-promoters, the trouble with
them is, the rip is seldom big enough
to see what's inside. Or if it's wide
rip, all the evidence has had time to
fall out on the other side while the
whereases were being written by the
committee.
Nevertheless I realize that the In
vestigation instinct is a natural, ma
tional and inevitable one. Investiga-
lions have been popular pastime ever
since Adams cat stuck her nose in
the first fire and got all burnt I'D about
it.
! Appropriations to investigate mis-
: n az
to the public fun. But the resulting
report is seldom loud enough to be
heard in the next room. It makes one
wonder what the boys really inves-
tigate beside the ends Of their cigars.
Of course there is always a printed
report of these public investigations,
but who wants to read it when you
know in advance all the best stories
have been left out.
So much for Investigations as they
are. Okay, I'll admit they have to
exist the same as measles and gray
hair. But why not turn a little Of
that sturdy, imperishable investigating
spirit towards something timely and
useful?
An investigation into the exact ma
ture of hamburgers might do a world
of good, especially If conducted in CO.
operation with the Humane society
and the pound.
Also, an investigation into why so
many amateur Americans are trying
for dictatorship Of the country right
now might have amusing results. The
real Americans, of course, are just a.
plodding along and doing their jobs,
as usual. They have no cure-alls or
curses to offer.
An investigation into why we have
to have Investigations, might prove
very useful, too.
This last might even lead to a COM
plete novelty in the way of investiga-
tons to half-wit, viz, and as follows.
The investigation of why this Is such
swell country. A thorough expose
of how great America really is, how
endless its resources, how basically su-