Evening star., 1936-06-09
Smoke e-Laden
Decisions
Revealed
Ritual of Sinister Con.
vention Goings On
Barred to Public.
BY JOHN LARDNER.

political history is made in
~ smoked-filled rooms, but 1
guess you don't know exactly what
goes on at these secret, sinister
conclaves. l am going to give you
the inside story Of the most impor-
tant smoke filled room meeting
held at this convention TO data
meeting at which little group of
us gathered to reject the nomination
Of Vice President.
There were six Of us. all high in
the councils of the party. all powers
in the national political scene.
Our first move was to smoke three
cigars apiece, to give t.7e room that
smoky quality without which no con-
ference of this kind can be regarded
as completely Mccoy.
Then one of us seut fer refresh
ments, shed the bellhop a 500 bill
for tip. and told MIN to forget
everything he had seen in the room.
"Yassuh, yaSsuh" said the bellhop,
scrambing. He will never know how
close he was to seeing history made.
Sioux Delegate Absent.
We we're all present and accounted
for except Caught the Eagle, the Sioux
delegate from South Dakota, who
wears a red shirt and a yellow tie
A vicious plot TO make him Vice
President had been Matched against
Caught the Eagle, and naturally the
naughty red=kin was deeply indignant.
But he did not show up, and We
/ 10
and Jet him take the consequences
even if it meant his nomination
One Of the boys Il had better
call No. / because of the terrific
significance Of his real namel made
the first remark. He waved his cigar
thoughfully, and said; "Fellas, each
and every one of US here in this
room stand in immediate peril ot
being nominated for Vice President
This peril strikes at the roots
OF our domestic happiness. just be-
tween US, myself am in greater
danger than any Of you. I heard
today that the other mob-they mct
in smoke filed room three hours
ago-have mustered all but 20 Of
We must fight intrigue with in
trigue, stratagem with stratagem. Do
you follow me?"
Like a bloodhound" No. 2 assured
him earnestly. l cannot give you
No. rs real name without rocking
this Nation to its very foundation
Good said No. l. Let US eeJ
10 work"
Pause For Smoke Refill.
At this point We paused for few
minutes to refill the room with sncke.
as specified by the Marquis OF Queens
bury rules Then No. 5-whose real
name is a household word. like spin
ach-nade a suggestion.
Why don't We hang the rap on
Alice Longworth?" he demanded "A
swift move might catch her of her
guard and before she knew it she
would be nominated. I've seen it
happen before"
We considered this suggestion and
decided that We admired Mrs. Long
worth too much to sacrifice her to
this ruse. admirable though it was
in the daring of its conception.
Somebody else suggested Irwin S
Cobb, who is known to be practically
oefenseless to surprise attacks of tie
type in question. No 2 proposed a
draft Lindbergh" campaign. but this
4 was rejected as impracticable. Your
correspondent mentioned the name
Of Col. Arthur w. Little, the Anglo
Saxon Moses" of the colored race.
Esteem of 5000. 900 Votes.
"Col. Little claims he can bring
100000 votes over from Roosevelt
explained your correspondent.
Have you got anything against
him?" inquired No. sternly. "Coi.
Little and I are on terms of the
deepest mutual esteem" said your
correspondent with dignity.
You'd better be" said our unoftl-
cial chairman.
This Is no time and place for
the qualification of personal grudges.'
Here We suspended the meeting
again to replenish the smoke screen.
Several of us also told funny stories,
in accordance with the custom
almost an unwritten law-at these
meetings. No. 5 told the one about
Senator Vandenberes grandchild and
the egg rolling on the White House
lawn.
And when Mrs. Roosevelt asked
the child. How do you like the place.
he replied. Fine. can hardly wait
till We come to live here" said No
S. who is an inimitable raconteur.
Pat and Mike Involved.
This anecdote was promptly fol-
lowed by six stories about Pat and
Mike and two about Rastus. Then
we resumed our session to discuss the
nomination purely in self defense
of Hamilton Fish or "TieleSs joe
Tolhert. We agree ultimately that both
men we're too canny to be caught
mapping in the famous Throttlebottom
manner.
Among the other candidates who
received serious consideration were
James Suk. popular Cleveland de
partment store Santa Claus and Span
ish War veteran.
John N. johnson. of Kansas, chief
assistant doorkeeper at the convention
hall.
We decided, however, that, if
Johnson we're nominated. one of us
might be drafted to replace him in
the Office of chief assistant doorkeeper,
which would be fatal to our political
ambitions. Suks name was voted
down on the ground that he could
Ill be spared by the department store
Santa Claus industry
I think I have supplied you with
enough details to give you an idea
Of how these vitality important meet
ings in smoke-flled rooms are con-
Quoted. They have more significance
than anything that takes place on
the floor of the convention hail.
When our meeting broke up, we
tipped the bellhop another sl00 and
shook our heads sadly at his cheer
full. Thank you. sir"
4