Red Lodge daily news combined with Carbon County news., 1936-03-18
WALLUM'S
SOLEMN
COLUMN

What mental gymnastics a col
umnist goes through when he
plans a new column for a public,
to him strange, cannot be recorded
on paper. It's like the zero hour
before maiden speech, or the ti-
tillations of a lovesick swain when
he first approaches his lady-love
he doesn't know what the re-
ception will be and the suspense
is something awful.
-:IIl:-
LIKE THE PERSPIRING ORA
TOR WHO, AFTER CAREFULLY
NOTING THE RESULTS OF HIS
ORAL CARNAGE, REMARKED
SAGELY "THE APPLAUSE
COULD BE HEARD FULLY A
FOOT AWAY"
-:III:-
l came to Red Lodge with the
intention of liking the city and,
after you struggle7through this in
troductory strip and after you
Clearing your hair) lurch your
way through subsequent efforts,
I hope the result is that you'll like
me, too.
-:
For, after all, people, and what
We jokingly call their human ma
ture, are pretty much the same
the world over-they like to laugh.
Providing, of course, the joke isn't
on them. And the honeyed or cryp-
tic words of columnist are sup
posed to soothe-not wound.
-:III:-
Which means that it isn't the
heat to which the people object
from a cOlumnist-it's the DANCED
humility.
-:Il:-
At the outset let me advise
you of the columns platform. It's
sincere one and, while it may not
he adhered to any more strictly
than many an other platform, it at
least takes up space in this column.
-sllI:-
First, we frown-in fact we
cloud up very menacingly-at the
thought of placing this drivel at
the disposal of those who want to:
1-Organize a noodle hemstitching
club, 2-save the world from fallen
arches and twitching, 3-trade off
old shoes, or bathing beauty pic
lures from the Mack Sennett era,
and, 4-teach tap dancing.
-:III:-
WE WILL KEEP OPEN MIND
ED ON ANY QUESTION. IN
FACT, WE WILL KEEP THE
MIND SO OPEN THAT MANY
OF YOU WILL BE THINKING
I SHOULD CLOSE IT A BIT so
A THOUGHT WILL STICK IN.
-:III:-
Contributions are solicited and,
if accepted, will be properly credit
ed. But contributions of the follow
ing classifications> are discouraged:
tickets to Siberia or Ads Abbabba,
college diplomas, bricks presented
at a certain velocity, sneers or
open disgust, legal notices, Max
Baer or family albums.
-:I|I:-
And don't send us any of this
abundant life" stuff. This column
is supposed to be funny intention
ally.
-:III:-
I won't ask for suggestions as
to what shall do with the column,
because I know I'd get answers
pronto too humorous to mention. >
-:III:-
Of course. you'll have to put up
with lot. It'll sure be tough on
you to hear me start out saying,
casually, "well, boys, me and
Irwin Cobb" N
-:III:-
While it will probably be more
appropriate if I say "me and
Shakespeare's dead, !.
too.
-: - :
Bet it makes you mad when I
anticipate your comebacks like
that. i
-:III:-
But to get back to this column, !
which is making rather coy debut 7
(but you just waitD-we don't
want you coming around here in
'isting that some harmless passage FL
was just a subterfuge for insulting &
or anything. y
-:Il:- =.
In the first place, I don't know n
anything. !
-:III:- q
IN THE SECOND PLACE, I
DON'T EVEN SUSPECT. \
-:III:- n
Finally, and with a touch of VI
seriousness, we want to be per- Il
ectly fair: if you like it, tell me. .
f you don't, tell me, and that will Nj