Evening star., 1936-06-25
See-Saw Put
Up as Ideal
Platform
Champ Straddler Goes
Farley One Better
m Droc,;eo.
on Promises.
BY JOHN LARnNER-

| saw. nave this on the authority Of
Big James Farley. the countrys Lead
ing salesman of plain and fancy
mucilage
Everybody will be satisfied" says
Big James.
Now, this is quite trick if you can
do it. and I think Big James can do
1t. OF course, the actual sleight-of-
hand work will be performed by Sem
ator Silent Bob Wagner, the man who
heads the committee that writes the
platform. But the platform will \be
written to Big James order, and Big
James has promised to satisfy every.
body.
That's lot better than the Repub.
licans managed to do. The Republic
cans Endorsed Abraham Lincoln, and
they put in a good word for Tom
Jefferson, and they spoke highly OF
Mckinley, and then Gov. Landon rode
over their PROSTATE bodies and added
a couple Of positive planks of his own,
including gold currency, civil service;
and q constitutional labor amendment,
Not Even Dizzy Satisfied.
But what good is Gov. Landons
platform? 1t come out for gold cur
rency, but it skips free silver. II
comes out for civil service, but il
| doesn't take care of the old-time
postmasters 1t comes out for a con,
stitutional amendment but it hurts
Bill Borah's feelings. What kind OF
a platform is that?
Does it satisfy Father Coughlin,
No.
Does it satisfy Dizzy Dean?
Dizzy says it doesn't.
So what kind of platform is IT.?
It's terrible.
Now, I have not yet seen the plat.
form drafted by Senator Silent Bot
Wagner and his colleagues. They
| blackballed me from their committee
| meeting, probably for the same reason
they blackballed me from the sociai
register-that little shooting affair al
the Bomay Polo Club in 95.
But have Big James Farley's word
for it that the Democratic platform
will satisfy everybody. So have an
idea that the platform will run like
| this:
Old age security:
A. Complete Endorsement of DR.
Townsends S200-a month plan.
B. DR.. Townsend is a dreamer anc
his plan is strictly fromagenous.
Unemployment:
A. Complete Endorsement OF Uptor
Sinclair's "production-for-us plan
B. Complete denunciation of UptoT
Sinclair and his screwy production.
for-use" plan.
Labor:
A. Three cheers for Bill Green.
B. Three cheers for John L. Lewis
c. Three cheers for Wall Street.
Plank for Fish and Foes.
Russia:
A. Continued recognition of Russia
B. Non-recognition of Red" Russia
c. Alternate plank to conciliate j
Hamilton Fish. involving better foo
ball teams at Harvard.
Foreign relations:
A. Complete neutrality.
B. Alternate plank to conciliate BIZ
Bill Thompson, involving freedom Il
bust King Edward VIII in the face 1
he shows his face in Chicago.
| Louisiana relations:
A. Huey Long was no-account.
B. Huey Long was a nice fellow L
you really got to know him.
Inter-party relations:
A. Gov. Landon is reactionary dis.
ciple of Herbert Hoover
B. Gov. Landon is fine statesman
and if you vote the Democratic ticket
we will see what We can do for tn,
Governor in the way Of a cabinet job
Amateurs at Straddlins.
OF course. the platform I have out.
lined is an ideal platform. just as fa
beyond the grasp of Senator Wagnei
as it was beyond the grasp of Gov
Landon and his associates. Our mod.
ern statesmen have no courage at all
They cannot cope with the complet,
straddle. They lack the strength
vision, and intestinal fortitude t.
compromise with everybody. The,
straddle as much as they can. bu
they do not straddle Fundamentally
For this reason, I think Big Jane;
Farley is going to be slightly disap.
pointed by the platform that Senator
Wagner gives him. It won't satisf,
everybody 1t will be as nice a jol
of straddling as Big James Farley Cal
eXtort from the honor and principle;
of Senator Silent Bob Wagner, wht
is nice guy and friend of labor
in his heart, no kidding.
Big Bill Dodges Satisfaction.
I don't think anybody. Republican
or Democratic, is going to satisfy Biz
Bill Thompson, the newest supporter
of the Union party. I suggested in m.
tentative Democratic platform tha
the boys insert plank guaranteeing
universal freedom to bust the King o
England in the Snoot If he shows hi
face in Chicago. 1
But they tell me that Big Bill
Thompson is becoming harder to sat.
isfy every day He doesn't hate tn,
King so much as he hates the Demo
Gratis and Republicans. This beini
so, it's going to be hard for eithei
party to win the huge Thompson
vote. I guess they will both have II
get along without it.
And they will also have to ge
along without the huge Dizzy Dear
vote. Dizzy, who is appearing unofil
cially as delegate from Missouri, to!e
your correspondent that he is dis
pleased with both parties.
II heard the Republicans was dead
said Dean. and I know the Demo
Gratis are dead. Why? Because the,
don't shout enough. There is toi
much speech-makin' aud not enough
shoutin' The situation is terrible
(copyrisht, 1885. by the North Americas