The Coolidge examiner., 1935-12-06
PROTECTING THE
HUMAN EAR
BY JOHN LARDNER

you may have followed the
campaign of DR.. FL. Fulkin Snev
against functional cauliflOwer
ear, also known in medical circles
us listeners disease or paralysis of
the protest gland or just plain 81
lent suffering.
Doctor Snev has done great work
in this field. He was the first to
discover that the germ Of the dis
ease is carried about and inflicted
on innocent victims by certain well
defined carrier types-fght man.
ayers. BARRIERS. evangelists. travel
ing statesmen, authors, actors, con-
gressmen, etiquette experts, ETC.
Once he managed to isolate the
germ, but when he got it isolated
he had to keep it around the house,
where it talked all his family into
a state Of coma and refused to eat
anything but grade A milk and i'm
ported caviar.
So Doctor Snev gave up the iso-
lation idea and began to take down
case histories of the various vic
Tins. The following history is typi-
cal OF one phase of the disease Tin
ability to hang up the telephone
receiver):
Patient complained Of splitting
pains in the occipital region. trem-
bling of the hands, nervousness at
the sound of bells. Slight fever,
normal pulse. blue eyes, blond hair.
- waist (clinical note-uuite
dish). Patient reported telephone
conversation with aggressive car
rier type (welfare wOrker) as fol
lows:
Patient: Hello?
Carrier: Is that you, Mrs. z?
This is Mrs. van Gans-Otway sneak
Ing. how are you, dear. | want to
ask favor of you. which know
you can't refuse. because you've
done so much already, so very
much. | can't tell you how grateful
we were for your little donation to
the Fund of Homeless Stoats. I
wish yOu could see the work we've
done with that fund you'd be so
proud of having helped. why one
little fellow, ferret, he was. real.
lr, but he comes under the juris-
diction of our work with stoats,
we found him the lOveliest home
with Mr.. Squameyer. you know
they're so happy to have him they
say that he's bitten off the heads Of
ffteen rats already and the toe
OF one of the little SQuameyers
yes. so cute, and we wondered II
ynu-
p: I'm afraid
c: | know you'll love to do this.
you have so much talent. it's for
the pageant; you know the pag-
cant we're running for the relief of
Persecuted Opossums we have
part in mind for you. a lovely part
with a costume. well. just some
thing you could make yourself, you
Know. hut you'd look so lovely In
anything it's historical pag-
cant. you know the history of the
village, we want you to be the spir
H. yes the spirit of the Other Side
of the Railroad Tracks. .You see
the idea, it's just
p: Really, Mrs. van Ans-Got-
wary. | mean Mrs. Otwav van Got
way. could we talk about it some
other time? I'm expecting
C: We have a part for Mr. 2
too | know he won't refuse. it's an
Indian yes for the battle. the In
dianS nre all killed by the ances.
tors of Mr.. Schless and Mr. Ful-
ton. | really don't believe Mr.
SchlesS' people were in this conn
try at the time hut we must mako
the best Of it although Mr.. Fulton
SAYS he won't consider it If Mr.
Schless-
"At this point" according to Doc
tor Snev, patient reported severe
trembling fit and suspension Of con-
sciousness. Revived five or six min