Milford chronicle., 1935-12-20
UNBUTToNING THE VEST
OF INVESTIGATIONS
By NINA WILCOX PUTNAM

TO SOONER does spring
IN move in and help clean up
the flu epidemic than an.
other one starts sweeping
the country like a Victorian lady's
train, stirring up a lot of dirt and
germs and tripping up many an un-
suspecting bystander. refer, Of
course, to the fresh epidemic of in
vestigatiOns which has suddenly
broken out like a rash In all the
newspaper headlines; rash is prob
ably right.
All Fooled you that timel You
thought ] was going to pull the
well-wOFn spring fever out Of the
bag. But no, this year am going
TO leave spring fever to the pa,
tlents themselves and let them
struggle through alone. Anyhow,
that's one disease people like to get
and hate to be cured Of, so far
be It from me to join the Poets
Union Local 10 and gurgle about
the symptoms.
For several reasons that can't
think Of just now, / feel this epi-
demie Of investigations ought to be
quelled I'm not just sure what
quelIed means, but think It's a
form OF ribblng or baCk-scratching
We can make it ribbing, II you pre-.
fer. AT any rate something should
be done before It reaches the It'll.
investigate you while you-investl.
gate-me" stage. First thing you
know the entire population viii be
living BY washing each others dirty
linen In public.
One trouble is that vlce-inVestlga-
tors are entirely different from vice
presidents. mean. the former get
all the publicity. And the trou-
BILE with most vlce-lnvestlgations is,
that their only result is demotlon
for one cop and a big bill for the
taxpayers.
Wnen, II comes " Investigations /
which rip open stock deals, bank
busts and eloping-promoters, the
trouble with them Is. the rip Is sell
dom big enough to see what's In
side. Or II it's a wide rip, all the
evidence has had time to fall out
on the other side while the where.
ases were being written BY the COM
mittee.
NeVertheless realize that the in.
vestIgation Instinct Is a natural, ma.
tional and Inevitable one. lngestiga.
lions have been a popular pastime
ever since Adams cat stuck her
nose In the first Gre and got all
burnt mp about It.
Appropriations to investigate mis-
have long added a
"a" 10 the public fun. But the re-
Julting report Is seldom loud enough
10 be heard 10 the next room. II
makes one wonder what the boys
really investigate beside the ends
Df their cigars. OF course there is
always a printed report Of these
public Investigations, but who wants
10 read It when you know IN ad-
vance all theNbest stories have been
left out.
So much for investigations as
hey are. Okay, I'll admit they
have to exist the same as measles
md gray hair. But why not turn q
little Of that sturdy. imperishable
spirit towards some
hing timely and useful7
An investigation into the exact
nature Of hamburgers might do a
world Of good. especially II conduct.
d 10 cooperation with the Humane
IocIety and the pound.
Also, an investigation into why
% many Americans are trying for
dictatorship in the country right
low might have amusing results.
The real Americans, Of course. are
ust a-piodding along and doing
hair Jobs, as usual They have no
.ure-ails or curses to offer.
An Investigation into why we
ave to have Investigations. might
lroFe very useful toe. u