The Coolidge examiner., 1935-11-15
UNBUTTONING THE VEST
OF INVESTIGATIONS
By NINA WILCOX PUTNAM

70 SOONER does spring
move in and help clean up
the flu epidemic than an
other one starts sweeping
the country like a Victorian lady's
train, stirring up lot of dirt and
germs and tripping up many an un-
suspecting bystander. l refer, of
course, to the fresh epidemic of in
vestigations which has suddenly
broken out like a rash in all the
newspaper headlines; rash is prob
ably right.
All! Fooled you that time! You
thought was going to pull the
well-worn spring fever out of the
bag. But no, this year l am going
to leave spring fever to the pa
tients themselves and let them
struggle through alone. Anyhow,
that's one disease people like to get
and hate to be cured of, so far
be it from me to join the Poets
Union Local 13 and gurgle about
the symptoms.
For several reasons that l can't
think of just now, / feel. this epi-
demic of investigations ought to be
quelled. I'm not just sure what
quelled means, but | think it's
form of ribbing or back scratching.
We can make it ribbing, if you pre-
fer At any rate something should
be done before it reaches the I'll
investigate you while yOu-investi-
gate-me" stage. First thing you
know the entire population will be
living by washing each others dirty
linen in public.
One trouble is that vice-investiga-
tors are entirely different from vice
presidents. | mean, the former get
all the publicity. And the trou-
BILE with most vice-investigatiOns is,
that their only result is demOtiOn
for one cop and a big bill for the
taxpayers.
When it comes to Investigations
which rip open stock deals, bank
buSts and eloping-prOmOters, the
trouble with them is, the rip is sell
dom big enough to see what's in
side. Or if it's a wide rip, all the
evidence has had time to fall out
on the other side while the where
ases were being written by the COM
mittee.
Nevertheless l realize that the in
vestigation instinct is a natural, ma
tional and inevitable one. Investiga-
tiOnS have been a popular pastime
ever since Adams cat stuck her
nose in the first fire and got all
burnt up about it.
Appropriation to investigate mis-
appropriations have long added a
I'd" to the public fun. But the re-
Sulting report is seldom loud enough
to be heard in the next room. 1t
makes one wonder what the boys
really investigate beside the ends
of their cigars. OF course there is
always a printed report of these
public Investigations, but who wants
to read it when you know in ad-
vance all the best stories have been
left out.
SO much for Investigations as
they are. Okay, I'll admit they
have to exist the same as measles
and gray hair. But why not turn a
little of that sturdy, imperishable
Investigating spirit towards some
thing timely and useful?
An investigation into the exact
nature of hamburgers might do a
world of good, especially if conduct
ed in cooperation with the Humane
society and the pound.
Also, an investigation into why
so many Americans are trying for
a dictatorship in the country right
now might have amusing results.
The real Americans, of course. are
just a-plOdding along and doing
their jobs, as usual. They have no
cure-allS or curses to offer.
An investigation into why we
have to have Investigations, might
prove very useful. too.