The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1935-11-28
PROTECTING THE HUMAN
EAR
BY JOHN LARDNER

IF YOU read the newspapers you
may have followed the campaign
of DR.. Fl. Fulkin Snev against
functional caulifiower ear, also
known in medical circles as listeners
disease or paralysis Of the protest
gland or just plain silent suffering.
Doctor Snev has done great work
in this field. He was the first to dis
cover that the germ of the disease is
carried about and inflicted on innocent
victims by certain well defined carrier
types-fght managers, BARRIERS, evan
gelistS, travelling statesmen, authors, ac
tors, congressman, etiquette experts,
etc. Once he managed to isolate the
germ, but when he got it isolated he
had to keep it around the house, where
1t talked all his family into a state
of coma and refused to eat anything
but grade A milk and imported caviar.
SO Doctor Sncv gave up the isolation
idea and began to take down case his
tories of the various victims. The fol-
lowing history is typical of one phase
of the disease Inability to hang up
the telephone receiver:
patient complained of splitting
pains in the occipital region, trembling
of the hands, nervousness at the sound
of bells Slight fever, normal pulse,
blue eyes, blond hair, 80 waist (clini-
cal note-quite dish). Patient re-
ported telephone conversation with ag-
gressve carrier type (welfare worker)
as follows:
Patient: Hello?
Carrier: Is that you, Mrs. q? This
is Mrs. van Gans-Otway speaking,
how are you, dear, want to ask a
favor of you, which l know you can't
refuse, because you've done so much
already, so very much, I can't tell you
how grateful we were for your little
donation to the Fund for Homeless
StOats. wish you could see the work
we've done with that fund you'd be
so proud of having helped, why one
little fellow, a ferret, he was, really,
but he comes under the jurisdiction of
our work with stoats, we found him
the loveliest home with Mr.. Squamey-
er, you know they're so happy to have
him they say that he's bitten off the
heads of fifteen rats already and the
toe of one of the little Squameyers,
yes, so cute, and we wondered if YOU
P: I'm afraid
@: 1 know youll love to do this,
you have so much talent, it's for the
pageant; you know the pageant we're
running for the relief of Prosecuted
Opossums we have a part in mind for
you, lovely part with costume, we'll,
just something you could make your
self, you know, but you'd look so love-
1y in anything, it's historical pageant,
you know the history of the village,
we want you to be the spirit, yes the
spirit of the Other Side Of the Rail-
road Tracks. You see the idea, it's
just
P: Really, Mrs. van Ans-Gotwary,
mean Mrs. Otway van Gotway, could
we talk about 1t some other time? I'm
expecting
@: We have a part for Mr.. q. too
know he won't refuse, IT'S an Indian
yes for the battle, the Indians are
all killed by the ancestors of Mr..
Schless and Mr.. Fulton, really don't
believe Mr.. Schless's people were in
this country at the time but we must
make the best Of it although Mr.. Full
ton says he won't consider 1t IL Mr..
Schless-
"At this point" according to Doctor
Snev, patient reported severe trem-
bling fit and suspension Of conscious
ness. Revived five or six minutes Ia
ter to find receiver still In hand and
opponents talking strongly. Apollo
gized for remissness and listened four
minutes more. Symptoms-bruises
and Commissions about ear, paralysis
of will.
In case like this Doctor Snev rec
ommends that the patient say, three
times, at intervals of fifteen seconds:
u am now going to hang up the re-
ceiNer." If the third warning is disre-