The Waterbury Democrat., 1935-02-16
In New York
By PAUL HARRISON

By PAUL HARRISON | New York.--If were a night club master of ceremonies-which could be only in the direst sort of emergency on the parts of both the night club and myself--I should like to select my establishments "gala celebrity night" on Washing tons Birthday as an occasion for truth-telling.
 'Ladee-e-ez and gennelmen," would begin tritely = giving a number of customers the benefit of @ doubt. ''Welcome to the Hi- Life Club! The management. which comprises three racketeers and couple of gamblers, well comes you; Luke Lamar, former newsboy named Rabinowitz. and his Scintilating Syncopators well come you; and I welcome you. If you will all get into the spirit of this gala event. and spend a good deal more money than you can afford, there is q chance that the orchestra, entertainers and my self will get paid off tonight.
 "Well folks, we lured you in here on this so-called celebrity night by promising to show you celebrities. We'll show you some. too--even if we have to invent them. The story sent ont by our unblushing press agent was slight :y-har-r- r-umph-inaccurate He announced that Al Jolson, Noel Coward, Beatrice Lillie, Ethel Norman, George Gershwin and 8 couple of dozen other prominent people were expected to attend. What we meant was that they had hnk they would attend.
 However, I really didn't ex- pect to see any of them here to- night, because no honest-to-good- ness celebrity patronizes night clubs where he knows he Is going to be pestered by long-winded masters of ceremony and flock of autograph hunters.
 l
 Roasting a Toast
 There are, nevertheless sev- eral people here whom I am going to introduce before our regular show begins. hope that some Of these Broadway-er--stars will en- ltertain you for few minutes. And they'd betters because their food and drinks are on the house.
 First want to call on q danc- HE SIdT WHOIn dll DTOduWdy knows. It knows him as a whin- ing dipsomaniac of considerable talent, but so unreliable that no producer will hire him for a show. Ladee-e-ez and gentlemen-Mr Al Rubber Hips Marks!" GA dance by Rubber Hips, followed by very light aplause.)
 'That was pretty terrible, folks, but wait until you hear the next celebrity on our list! This is 8 young man whose doting father, a very prominent politician. be- lieves he has great deal of tal- ent for mimicry. The manage ment of the Hi-Life Club. dear customers, hopes that this guest star appearance will influence papa into buying a quarter interest in this establishment. And so I give you young Henry Jitterwhisk, the inimitable imitator." OHenry imi-
 tates Jimmy Durante, Joe Penner and Mae West)
 on BrOadway-Far on
 "Well, you can't say I didn't
 warn you, my beloved patrons. And thank you very much for not hurl-
 ing chairs and bottles at the poor
 boy Next I want to put the spot : light on glamorous lady whom , some of you elderly people may
 recall as the toast of musical com edy a few seasons agO-1904, . think 1t was. This petite star in- tended to dance the can-can for | you tonight, but since she is some
 what incapacitated by rheumatism
 am only going to ask her to take
 a bow. Miss Victoria Blotz."
 Miss Blotz tips over her highball
 in arising, and takes bowl
 you shall have an opportunity t" , broken-down matinee idol who was the ill-starred star of
 'Whoopsy-Doopsy'. It was not en-
 tirely his fault that the show
 closed on it's second tryout night , in Philadelphia. MT Sidney Pill . pink! Where are you, Sid- |, ney? Oh. you say he left half 1, an hour ago?
 A Luck Break
 "Folks, you may be glad to know
 that MT Pillpink has just been i. called away on a business emer- Igency involving an alimony pay
 ment to his second wife. And so
 now I shall introduce a beautiful
 and shrewd creature whom you ' all know if you read the tabloids. . She has had five husbands, four tundistinguished parts in Broadway :. shoes. and has just returned from y a successful season in Hollywood. I' where she failed to get movie job = but managed to clip an unwary ac- ,, tor for $5O,000 in a breach -of- promise suit.
 "Her real name is Lizzie = Schwartz Jasperwich- Smith, Me- n Fooey-Zilch, but Broadway knows - this sweet child as Gloria Bios. s som. Glorial. darling, step up here u to the microphone, if you're able : and say few words to our friends