davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1934-10-05
The One-Eye Menace
By Robert Benchley

right to say back at him: Have
you looked at yourself lately?"
Being only one unit in a world
wide anthropological trend has
its compensationS.
It is not a very pretty picture
that DR.. Shastid paints, how
ever. I'm distant centuries or
millenaries man will be a Cy-
clops, a Polyphemus. a being
with one eye only. That eye
however, will not be situated in
the center of the forehead. 1t
will stand instead in the center
Of the face.
'"The forehead will be much
higher and the face below the
forehead much shorter, and, at
the horizontal boundary be.
tween the two, in the center OF
that boundary, the spot where
now the bridge of the nose ap'
pears, there will stand the one
great eye"
That, you will admit, calls
for quite a readjustment of our
present ideas of what conSti'
tutes a face. I suppose that it
is because we have got so used
to the old-fashioned face that
this layout does not seem par
ticularly attractive. 1t might
be better to begin all over again,
if we are going that far, and
Just do away with the face en-
tirely and call it something
else.
No mention is made of what
becomes of the nose and mouth
under this new-fangled plan.
but I suppose that they, too, will
be shifted somewhere else, pos
sibly to the back Of the neck.
There certainly isn't much pro-
vision made for mustaches
unless they are worn on the
forehead.
But there! We don't have to
worry about all this quite yet.
The main thing is not to get
panicky. Probably the worst
that will happen to anyone alive
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

for that war, and then, as the
last straw, that our eyes will
grow closer together until they
form just one big eye. What
provision, if any, is the NRA
making against this catastro-
phe?
OF course, according to the
eye.specialist (Dr. Shastid, Of
Duluth, whose paper in the Phi
Beta Kappa magazine I am not
going to pretend I read. am
not even on the mailing list. I
got my information from
Time), it will take some years
for this unpleasant change to
take place in the human physi.
ognomy. Countless ages" Is
the way he puts it, and that
ought to let most of us out. I
am not even thinking Of order
ing my monocle yet.
But, before the actual change
from two eyes to one occurs
land that will be a morning,
when a man wakes up and finds
himself with only one large
EYED there will have to be all
that preliminary narrowing of
the bridge Of the nose. with the
eyes getting closer and closer
together, and that might very
well come within our day. My
eyes are so close together as
they are that I bet that 1 win.
L bet that am the first one
eyed man in the world.
But, with everybody headed
for the same fate, it won't be
quite so bad. Nobody can make
personal cracks at anyone else,
because the entire human race
will be in the same fix. No one
of your dear intimates can come
up to you and say: my! Aren't
your eyes getting close togeth.
erl" without your having the
The Washington times., 1934-10-05
LISTEN, WORLD
By Elsie Robinson

And that-after an hours
questioning-Was the only rea-
son he could give for voting as
he had done. He hadn't seri'
ously studied or discussed any
one plank in the candidate S
platform. AS matter of fact,
he didn't even know definitely
what the platform war.
He hadn't asked himself what
the candidates chances were
for making good on any OF his
promises how he'd proceed
what the effect on his own
life would be if he did proceed:
Not once had he sat down and
thought it all through.
But somehow he'd gotten a
general impression that 1t
would be a good thing to elect
that particular man, so he'd
gone ahead and voted for him.
There was cross-section Of A
serious, well-educated, fairly in
telligent citizens mind. Such
were the makings of his politi.
cal opinion. What was such an
opinion worth? It wasn't worth
a boot! It wasn't even valuable
to the candidate who got the
vote. For, of course, an atti"
tude like that will instantly veer
to open hostility If the expect
ed miracles don't happen.
Amazing? Yes; worse than
that. Tragic! Yet could you
or make any better showing
if someone put our opinions
through a quiz?
Hardly an hour passes with
out your taking stand on some
issue voicing an opinion
about something or somebody.
On what is that opinion based?
How much do you know-really
know-about that subject or
person? How deeply have you
studied it-how much have you
weighed the pros and cons?
Is that opinion based on some
deep understanding, some seri.
GUS conviction within yourself?
Or is it based on something you
heard somebody Say-a gen.
eral impression you got some
where? Or do you perhaps
think that way because your
wife or your husband or your
best friend or The Old Folks do?
Think it over! That opinion
of yours is going to put its mark
on the world-itS stamp on
some other life. It's actually
going to help make history.
What is 1t really worth?
Copyright, 1884. by King Features
syndicate. Inc.)
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

er housing. James a. '
His first selection tDGS poor,
some say, as the Post office
Building has been severely crit
cised because of bad lighting,
improper ventilation, etc.
Nevertheless, Jimmie" was
not particularly pleased when 1t
was suggested that he move his
offices.
The old Department Of Jus.
tice Building, however, WILL
house Housing, when the secret
agents move to new quarters
with Attorney General Homer 5.
Cummings.
But there is one provision re-
garding the move of the Housing
Administration.
The old Justice Building must
be modernized. All Of tile IN
terror will be replaced by new
ornamentation.
Moffett agreed to move only
when promised that his new Of
fees would be fitting and proper
for an agency that is attempt
ing to persuade the country to
mOdernize its homes.
George S. Robinson, of VIM,
Maine, goes to the Virgin Islands
as Government Attorney to re.
place Marylander Eli BGer Dho
was recently REMOVED from the
post.
The appointment of Robinson
former employe of the Prohibi-
ton Unit and more recently
connected with the legal division
of the PWA, is likely to cause
additional friction in the islands,
observers say.
Baer was one of the most
popular Government attorneys
to hit the islands.
In a dilemma when advised by
Democratic Judge 7. w. Wilson
to investigate reports of cOrrup"
ton in the PWA in the islands
in violation Of Public Works Ad-
ministratOr IckeS' order to de.
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

GUS. He must Elsie Robinson
Il thought-have done some
deep thinking to have taken a
step like that.
"Just what" I asked, made
you do it?"
"Well," he said, IT think we
need a change"
eyes" I agreed, "but that's
more than a change. That's an
earthquake. What was there
about his platform that con-
WINGED a person like you? That's
what I can't understand"
HE has some good IDEAS" he
countered.
"For example-what?"
He couldn't say, exactly. In
fact, he admitted he hadn't
read any of the candidates
stuff very carefully. Didn't
have time. But from what he
could hear, it sounded good"
But surely" thought to
myself, "this can't be his only
reason for such a vote. He's
usually so careful about his de.
cisions. He must have had
some better motive than casual
hearsay for such a revolution.
airy act" So I went on poster
ing
Just what" I asked, "was
the thing that appealed to you
most about his scheme?"
He couldn't say-definitely.
People said the candidate was
a fine fellow. A friend of his,
whose opinion he valued highly.
had said the man was sound,
even if his methods were sensa-
tional. Everybody seemed to
agree that he was honest. And
we certainly needed a change
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

AS if the future weren't full
enough of bugbears as it is,
along comes a noted eye-special-
list and tells us that our eyes are
growing gradually closer to-
gether, so that sometime there
will be just one big eye in the
middle Of our face. It does
sometimes seem as If it were
hardly worth while putting up
the fight, doesn't it?
First, there is the probability
that taxes will be higher before
they are lower, then that there
will be another war, then that
there will be more taxes to pay
The Washington times., 1934-10-05
+ human Side Of the News - By Edwin

pony must be able to stop on
a dime, going break-neck speed,
and that's terrific jolt on his
hind quarters.
Too bad the stock market
wasn't conditioned that way
in 1929! At any rate, the
stock market. like the light
ming bug, carries its head
light behind.
Two sedate, mature, bare
headed and baldish men, each
riding one of those high-rumped
cobs probably polo ponies
emeritus-gallop sedately here
and there, side by side, seeing
that everything is in accord
with the scriptural admonition
that all be done "decently and
in order" They gallop up to
the judges stand, salute and
gallop back again. Their ponies
seem to move like rocking
horses. rumps up and down,
like that slow, rhythmic beam
on an old-fashioned ferry
boat. There's going to be a
whirlwind of violence here IN
a minute and all this leisure
and decorum gives it a height
ened intensity.
We got polo from the Eng
lish, and how English writer's
know the value of an under"
statement when they have any
thing important to say! Abso.
lutte silence in the stands! None
of the mounting uproar of the
moment before the kickoff in a
football game, or the shout OF
"play ball" at a big league
baseball game.
Here are the players, the
West in blue and the East in
white, the two tours facing
each other at the center of the
field. Malcolm Stevenson, one
of the umpires. gallops out to
the huddle. On his pony'S
withers is a leather container
for the polo balls. He losses
a ball down under the prancing
legs of the ponies. Nothing
less than explosive, after all
this well-bred reserve. is the
weller of men, horses and slash
ing mallets. Far less dramatic
it would seem against a back
ground of preliminary turmoil.
A white centaur is loose, tool
ing the ball down the field,
with a ruck of blue and white
in desperate pursuit. A slash
ing swing lobS the ball smack
between the goal posts. The
East has scored.
Is there a yell from the
stands? Never! Just a wave of
hand clapping through the
Seemly 10000 and a well.
played, that!" here and there
from the boxes. The tale of
thst East-West polo match. the
West ahead, 8 to 4 at the
end of the fourth period, anG
the East making it 10 to 8
by its maniacal outbreak in the
seventh, has been thoroughly
told by this time.
There were climaxes in this
game which would have sent
any ordinary football or base
ball mob straight to Bellevue.
But when it was all over, every
button was in place on every
vest, and no single tress OF
any one debutante was diSar-
ranged. Capital Knockout
that!" was the murmur when
some young demon scored a
Swipe which would have plugged
a hole in a battleShip.
Copyright, 1884, by King Features
syndicate. lnc9
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

I have heard disparaging re.
marks about polo. There are
those who call it a dude" game.
If this is true, I hope I never
have any unpleasant overt, phys
ical encounters with dudes.
Pick for my assailants a few
big, Squirrel.headed rough.necks,
with brass knuckles and black
jacks, in the back room Of some
abandoned smoke Joint, with the
lights out, be it even SO; but
don't send me in against any
such lads as those East.WeSt
polo boys, whom T recently saw
riding hell.for.leather and olout-
ing their way out of scrimmages
which looked just as cosy and
comfortable as a railroad wreck
and a couple of earthquakes. II
this is a dudes game, so are par"
achute jumping and machine
gunnery.
The Meadowbrook stands are
robins egg blue, spotlesS, rain
washed and now etched sharply
in the bright sunshine. The
playing field is an oblong of turf
as smooth as the green baize on
a billiard table. ..-
Looking across from the West
stand, one sees the East stand
backed by conventionaliZed pine
trees lifted right out Of a Japan.
csc print. "Trees by Hiroshfgi"
they should have had it on
the program. -
The stands are filing-lots Of
ruddy, Sun-drenched, horse+wiSe-
looking people, along with those
still touched with the pallor Of
the town. Down at the far end
of the field they are readying
the show, with a fast of sun
light on the bass horn as the
band energies and tries out a
few oom-pahs, just to clear its
throat.
Vagrant thoughts, as one looks
over the stands. Why is it that
some people can SLOUGH around
in an old tweed suit which smells
of peat bog and look better
than handsomer men all done up
by a Park Avenue tailor? Why
is it that you can spot an eight
dollar British pipe fifty feet
away? Thu isn't bit like the
clothes advertisements in the
magazines the Polo Game"
with a young seven-foot exhibi.
zionist Numbering his binocu-
lars in a conspicuous box.
That young chap over in the
box has so much money polo
pony couldn't run and jump over
it-can polo ponit jump by the
Way-but hat covert cloth over
coat slung over his arm looks
about four years old.
II. dress, this crowd has the
easy assurance of the securely
placed-that's it. Did you ever
notice how a reproduction Of col
onial architecture never seems
to come out right? The same
way with dress. These "arri.
wees" If the dress world are al.
ways a jump or two ahead Of
the commercial stylistS, Of the
whirring machines which try to
grind everything into stereo-
types.
The women look to me like a
run-of.the mill well-dressed
crowd, but my companion indi-
Gates sly. transformations little
touches Of swaLk which only
the most exclusive coutourierS
could manage. Memo: Read
Sartor ResartuS again.)
They're parading the string
Of about forty polo ponies
around the fields> led by the
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

James A. Moi
felt. w h e n
he came to
t o W n a S
head Of hous-
ing, Moffett
selected the
new Post Of
flee Building
for the Of
fees. He be-
lieved t h a t
his Subordi-
mates should
be able to say
t h a t the y
were housed
in m o d e r n
gu a r tie r S
when they ad-
vocated prop
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

hands some of these eager, met.
tlesome little chaps-bays, chest
nuts, sorrels and a dapple gray
and a roan-look a little less
than that, "cobs," the English
call them. All of them are
built high in the rump and are
heavily muscled in the launches.
They have to be, for a polo
The Washington times., 1934-10-05
The Greatest Shoe
On Earth
By John Snure, ]r.

sist, Baer followed the wishes Of
the court.
Strangely enough as Govern
ment attorney he was under the
jurisdiction of Ickes as Secre-
tary of the Department of In.
terror, which has jurisdiction Of
the islands.
Baer was placed in the posi-
ton Of being either in con-
tempt Of court or violating
IckeS' order.
He chose to proceed with his
investigation which, it is said,
produced some rather startling
revelations although they appar-
emily were not of sufficient
Importance to arouse Mr.. Ickes.
Robinson goes to the islands
to succeed BGer.
He cannot worE 1Uith the court
and continue the investigation
and at the same time please
GoU. Paul NJ. Pearson and
Secretary IcEeS.
Judge Wilson was a Demo-
cratic appOintee. Pearson was
q Republican.
The friction between the
two men grows daily. So its
rather a tough spot for Mr..
Robinson.
Venetian blinds for the Post
Office Building have arrived
at last.
Throughout the summer 1Ui1,-
doDS haze been decorated Nth
cheeSe-cloth .drGperieS. Com.
plants 1Dere numerous.
The improviSed curtains kept
out light and air tOhen the cool
ing system, failed to Work.
But now that summer is ap-
parently over, the blinds have
arrived and are being installed.
At least they will be ready
for the next warm season.
Seeking a new slogan for the
new Democratic regime, Senate
Secretary Col. Edwin A. Halsey
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

band. The band is playing
good cid workmanlike march
ing tuneS-no hey-nonny-nonny
stuff - nothing gaudy. They
seem to have the Greek idea
here-nothing in excess. The
bandsmen wear plain blue uni
forms.
Par for a polo pony is 1873
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

of p e RS o n
with a Sensa.
tional pla t.
f o r m. M y
friends rath-
er a conven-
tional young
man W h o
h a S always
lived by a
most prosaic
plan. Y e t
there he was,
tryin G to
elect human
dynamite.
I was curl
OILS He must
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

onel Halsey: Col. Edwin A. HaISey
"After all, happy living is the
most important thing in life.
The New Deal has given more
happiness so it has done a good
job"
Sounds like the Colonel might
be a rugged individualiSt."
1884, The Washington Times)
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

s e ! e c I S Cne
phrase:
"The N e W
D al Brings
Happier Liv-
ing"
S tick e rs
W i t h the
words block
ed boldly in
red, are being
prepared for
a u t o m obile
wind shields,
windows and
a ii O t h er
places where
S tt c k e r S
m i g h t b e
stuck.
S vs. Col
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

today is that his two eyes will
get to just barely touching at
the corners. So just forget
about it for a while and, when
it does come, take it like a man
with a stiff upper lip-provided
you have any upper lip left.
Copyright, 1894, by King Features
Syndicate. Inc.)
Articles By Robert Benchley
appear each Monday, WedneS-
day, and Friday.
The Washington times., 1934-10-05
RuSSia'S Racket
Not Ours

The Russians, says Will Rogers, learning to play
golf and polo; being modernzed fast that he
wouldn't be surprised to Wall Street appear
in the shadow of the Kremln.
"BOys," Professor Rogers 1UOrLd traveller, con-
fided in the newspaper reporters, "it's their
racket, not ours. Don't let anyone tell you that's
our line. The u. S. A. under the Democrats has
them skinned mile; eUen if the Republicans werc
In, it IOOuId still be the best place in the 1VOrId."
AL of which is good sound Americanese, which listens
well to all Americans. Communism is the Russians
racket; let them have it.
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

To properly administer the
Federal Housing Administra-
ton, the housing administrator
should have proper housing.
So thinks Housing Admins
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

What's Your Reason?
A man friend of mine had
voted for a certain candidate.
wondered about it. The can
didate's an unconventional sort
The Washington times., 1934-10-05

WARRINGTON
u J. EtGsO9lFcA. managing editor
The Washington times., 1934-03-10
" Scottie " Is One
Or Priced
Pets
By LIZ HUME

According to one of our local
veterinarians the IS CO t tie,"
(Scottish terrier, and wire
haired fox terrier are running
a neck-and-neck race for popu-
larity with Capital dog fanciers.
Both make nice pets, espe-
cially for apartment house dwell
ers and those whose homes are
limited in space.
In Apartments
A larger dog should have
some . ground over which to
roam, unaccompanied by his
master and the inevitable leash.
Many pople prefer to own
Scotties in pairs. Naturally a
rather "standoffish" little dog,
they need the companionShip
of another of their breed, it is
said.
Sturdy
The modern Scottie is a stur-
dy, low-set little dog of indie
pendent gait and carriage, with
the wisest of countenances, and
the most philosophical of dis
positions.
He is friendly with all, but
reserves his real devotion solely
for his master. He is not at
all quarrelsome, but will defend
his rights to the last breath,
and ranks among the most
courageous of all small dogs.
If you own one of these little
dogs from the Highlands, look
for the following points which
mark the degree of his perfec'
ton:
The skull is long, slightly
domed, covered with short,
hard hair with a sort of stop
or drop between the eyes.
Muzzle is powerful and taper
ing toward the nose, which
should be of good size and
black. The jaws are level.
although the upper jaw appears
longer than the under.
Eyes are wide apart, dark
hazel, small. almond shaped,
piercing and rather sunken.
Ears are small, prick-pointed
but not cut; set we'll upon the
skull, free from fringe.
"POintS"
His broad, deep chest and
moderately short, thick neck
are strongly set on sloping
shoulders. Both forelegs and
hind legs are short and heavy
in bone, the former straight or
slightly bent and well set under
the body.
Forefeet are larger tn an
hind feet. Tail is about seven
inches long, never cut. carried
gaily but never over back.
Coat is about two inches
deep, with dense undercoat
with intensely hard and wiry
out-'' "0~+
Colors are black, steel or
iron gray, brindle or grizzle,
sandy and wheaton.
The Washington times., 1934-03-10
Brunettes Must
Avoid Color
Pitfalls
BY VICTORIA GAINES
Special Correspondent Of The wash
ingtOn Times In New York.
Americas STYLE Center

BY N1CIOhlA GAINES
Special Correspondent Of The Wash
ingtOn Times in New York.
Americas Style Center
NEW YORK, March 10.-Gen-
tlemen who prefer blondes not
withStanding, brunettes have all
the best of it in the ancient
feminine free-for-all between the
two types that started with
Eve and Lilith.
Not only numerically - al
though there's a Crawford for
every Garbo and Hepburn for
every Dietrich in the modern
version of the age-old rivalry.
But sartorially speaking, bru-
nettes are allowed splashes of
color in their clothes that
would turn most blondes posi-
lively platinum with envy-se-
cure in the knowledge that
few colors, however brilliant,
can possibly overshadow their
own bright, vivid fermentation
tinting.
Universe Notion
Nevertheless, there are plenty
of pitfalls for the unwary bru-
nette in her choice of colors, If
she's not careful. Chief among
these is the unwise notion that,
simply by virtue of being a
brunette, she can blithely wear
any and all colors that take her
fancy.
In reality, there is a world of
difference between the so-called
American brunette, with her
clear, light complexion, and the
Latin brunette who has a darker
olive skin. SO determine your
complexion color before you
set out on your spring shopping
spree-to bring out the best in
your particular type.
Vivid Tints
If belong to the former group.
light brown or chestnut hair
and brown or hazel eyes prob
ably accompany your fresh, rosy
complexion. In that case.
colors that harmonic with your
own warm vivid tints are best
for you-all reds, ranging from
raspberry to beetroot red, al
most all greens especially the
jade and emerald greens, and
also yelloWs.
Those popular Mexican colors
might have been made especial
ly for you-tile red, adobe yel-
low and patio green-all the
colors that have come up from
below the Rio Grande this
season. Pastel tints that are
too light may tend to lake your
own coloring look coarse by
comparison-better leave these
to the blonde beauties.
White, in creamy or ivory
tones. is better than dead-Whlte
for the brunette, but black IS
best of all, particularly with a
dash of bright color.
The Washington times., 1934-03-10
ChiIdHeaIth Questions

MASH" is RIGHT
QueStiOn-ShaM / strain the
vegetables for my baby or mash
them? 1t seems to me strain
ing, as you advise, takes away
some of their value. How
about these canned baby foods?
Answer stand corrected.
It is certainly true. as you say,
that straining the vegetables,
spinach especially, and merely
serving the soup deprives the
child of their full value. I really
meant mashing them through
a sieve. Hereafter I'll say
mash" instead of strain"
The canned foods, fruits and
vegetables, are endorsed by
practically all baby specialists.
Personally I regard them as the
ages greatest gift to over
worked mothers.
Martha WinslOw Is prepared
to assist in solving your child's
prOblems-phySical or psyche
logical.
Send self.addreSsed, stamped
envelope to her, care Of The
Washington Times, 1917 H SG
n W.