Imperial Valley press., 1934-01-17
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By HENRY McLEMORE
United Press Staff Correspondent

NEW YORK, Jan. II. - Probably
the greatest single indictment of the
quality of American liquor is the
fact that not one sea serpent has
been sighted in this country since
repeal. In Scotland, on the other
hand, where the Scotch is on the
level and makes the Highlanders
fling, the citizens have been beat
ing sea-serpents out of the bushes
with commendable regularity. AS
result Scotland has found new
life. People, in the excitement of
running down fearsome creatures,
have forgotten private troubles.
What this country needs is a
wave of sea serpents. This is no
idle statement for history shows
that this nations greatest periods
of prosperity have followed the
sighting of sea serpents.
I've a plan to provide one. Primo
Carnera arrives in this country to-
day and should be Immediately
pressed into the sea serpent cause.
Under the cover of nightfall, Primo
should be whisked to Central Park
and submerged in the reservoir.
Then, around 10 or II in the morn
ing, when the shores of the reser-
voir are crowded with equestrians,
nursemaids pushing prams, and lit
tie children idling away sweet child
hood with boats, Primo could come
| to the surface and blow, snort,
trumpet, bare his gums, and then
go down again.
One sight of Primo and we ID have
national recovery, for before night
fall a dozen cities, determined to
keep pace with New York, would
have reported sea serpents in the
city limits. Soon every town would
have it's serpent. Posses would be
organized to slay the dragons. Par
ties would be formed to spy on them.
As a result. thousands upon thou
sands of men would be put back to
work as frenzied manufacturers at
tempted to fill the demand for sea
serpenting equipment The poison
arrowhead manufacturers o
would employ hundreds OF workers.
| There ID be fortune made In plain
throwing rocks. And think of how
the companies that turn out those
spurs used by linesmen in climbing
telegraph poles would prosper!
Some people might object to the
plan on the ground that while 1t
would furnish excitement and pros
perity for a few weeks, interest in
sea serpents would soon die and the
reaction that would follow make
things worse than ever. To guar
antee continued interest in sea SER
pents. the government could engage
Rear Admiral Richard E. Byrd to
capture the monster in Central Park
reservoir. AS everyone knows, Ad-
miral Byrd would require from three
to six years for such an expedition
He ID need at least year to finance
the construction of roWboat ano
another IL months to build his
slingshot and select the proper
youth for cabin boy.
Then would come a month OF lay
ing in pemmican, and another month
of securing the proper salt with
which to salt the pemmican. The
admiral would then spend the nex'
six months lining up the syndicate
rights for his dispatches on snow
depth of, color of, etc. Ano
choosing the artists he'd like tc
have broadcast to him once ht
reached the swan pack. Once there
he ID have to wait six months for g
sWan-breaker to come lead hin
through.
If the country hadn It recovered
by that time, it would be dead anc
rigor mortis set in.