The Washington times., 1934-05-08

evening newspaper. He III find
Mr.. Lyons dropped into my Of
flee yesterday for a few pointers.
He doesn't need much advice be-
cause, unless I miss my guess, he'll
be leading the field in a few years.
Since he was kind enough to ask
me, however, I am only too happy
to offer several suggestions.
I trust that the young man will
not object If I make the entire
thing public. After all, might as
well get column out Of the stu
alton. =.
/. If I were you, Leonard, I
would write gossip. The public
demands 1t these days. Weave in
as many names as you can and
take slaps at people as often as
possible. Then you can't miss.
2. Don't write gossip. People
will look upon you as man who
doesn't wish to interfere in the af-
fairs of others. You will be in
vited everywhere, and folks will
have no hesitation in discussing
their private doings with you. No
goSSip-and you can't miss.
3. Always fight with the adver-
tiSing department on your paper.
That will teach the boys to re-
Spect and fear you, and you'll be
able to be the boss of your own
space. Don't let them bulldoze
you.
4. Get chummy with the boys
in the advertising department.
Play ball with them-and they'll
play ball with you. If you can
plug a client, go to it. The best
way to get along in your game is
to cater to the advertising depart
ment.
5. Keep your stories short. Peo.
pie haven't time to bother with
long-winded things these days.
Give them plenty of gags, and
keep them short. If you do, sue
cess is yours from the start.
s. Write long stories as often
as possible. If you write short
gags, people are bound to say
that they've heard them before.
When you write a good long
one. they never forget it. And
when they don't forget you, sue
cess must be yours.
7. Always pay your checks on
Broadway and refuse absolutely
to take anything. for nothing.
You will then be regarded as a
spendthrift and a Wastrel, but
you will have your self-respect.
That counts a great deal, Leonard.
8. Get all the graft you can at
all times. Don't pay any checks
unless you have to, and see if
you can't chisel your hats and
suits in exchange for a line in
the column. In that way you'll
be able to save your money
and you must have money to
be accounted a success.
9. Marry a sweet girl as swiftly
as you can. You'll need a home
and companionship to balance
the ugliness of the Broadway
grind. Then, in year or two,
you must have a little kiddie
who will climb into your heart
and provide you with lot of
copy. A successful marriage will
do a great deal for you, Leonard.
10. If you want to be a success
in the columning racket, forget
marriage from now on. Marry,
and your wife will want to be
with you while you're digging
material for your column. She'll
never understand why 1t is some
times necessary to be alone. And
if there's a child, you'll have no
peace at home while you're try
ing to pound out your copy. Stay
single, my boy.
IL. While you're a columniSt,
stick to your columning exclu-
sively. Don't try books, or pic
lures, or plays, or personal ap-
pearances. No man can do two
tasks at the same time, and ex-
pect to have them both turn out
we'll. Be content to turn out a
good column, and leave the other
fields to those who are better
qualified.
IL. In addition to your column,
Leonard, always go in for some
thing else. Keep your name be-
fore the public in every way
possible. Turn out a book or q
movie as often as you can. To be
a top-notch columnist today, 1t
is necessary to have a number
Of outside interests.
13. In your copy, make your
self a personality. Don't be afraid
to talk about yourself. Tell 'em
all about your early struggles;
about the time you were fired
as a gigolo and about the days
when you didn't have the price
of a cup Of opium. Wear out the
II" on your typewriter. Too