The Coolidge examiner., 1933-06-09
THE FABLE OF
HOW WEDDINGS
HAVE SOLD OFF
By GEORGE ADE
). Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.

TT CAME about that during this
very October, RoSalie, only daugh-
- Ter of Mr. and Mrs. W. ]. Jella-
by, was fairly dragged to the Altar
by Walter Dingleforth. whose Fa-
ther owns the Furniture Factory and
pays a jimcracking Income Tax,
even II he does hire an Expert to
protect him, so that on the Day
when their high-grade Offspring left
them forever (maybe), Mr.. and Mrs.
Jellaby could hardly refrain from
doing Jig Steps.
The Architect who planned the
Jellaby Home had not counted on
taking care of 200 guests at one
time, consequently, when the big
Dolngs were pulled off, about half of
the Ringside Spectators were parked
In Railways. When the Bids went
out, no one was overlooked, because
the Young People would need almost
everything when they started in to
furnish a large Apartment.
Mr.. and Mrs. Jellaby decided to
cut IL wide and handsome because
this would be their only Chance to
make a Splash on the Society Page.
Besides, they figured it wouldn't
cost any more to put on the Show
than it would to keep Rosalie in
Stockings for another year. They
were getting rid of the main Ex-
pense Account and could afford TO
bust over.
A Golden Gibbie.
So they had Strip of Red Car
pet, Maiden-Hair Ferns, a special
Harpist secreted behind Palms, q
Caterer who brought a wagOnlOad
of Indigestibles and a Rector who
was so High Church that you
couldn't understand what he said.
Everything was Oo-la-la and right
up to the Handle. A great Day for
the Jellabys? You said 1t.
II was a Daylight affair, u o'clock
Central Time, with everything sped
up because the Young Couple had
to get the Limited so as to catch the
Boat for Europe which ROsalie rath-
er wanted to see, as she had never
been east of Akron.
The Main Bout went Off great. II
had been rehearsed until ii was as
smooth as a Belasco First Night.
They had Bridesmaids, who looked
like festooned Marshmallows, and
terrified little Girls strewing POsies
and a freshly shayen Male Body
Guard In Undertaking Costumes
whose collars were too tight. 1t
was a regular Wedding. After the
two Principals had been legally
welded and the rabid Assemblage
was fighting for Lobster Salad
and Pimiento Sandwiches, of course
there were all sorts Of Comments.
mostly right out in the Open and
favorable. Nearly everybody said
that the Bride looked cunning and
had done very well by herself in
snaring a Gibble who probably had
a million already, with more in
sight and was sufficiently educated
to sign Checks, even If he couldn't
read a Book. What you might call
an Ideal Husband.
kickless Punch.
Among those who were trying to
last it out was a ruddy old Bach
elor who dated back to the Happy
Days when they locked people up
for discussing Birth Control, but per-
mitted them to drink Absinthe. He
was sitting over in a corner with
two ossified Crabs who could almost
remember the Mexican War and he
was telling them what a Hardship it
was TO get up at sunrise in order
to see some weak-brained Youth
jump over the Precipice.
Its all right If you suffer from
insomnia" said the unmarried Rene
gade, "but now that I am up, what
am / going to do all the rest Of the
day? Whoever invented these u
O'Clock Weddings had a swell idea,
with the reverse English. Wait till
the Whistle blows and then hop to
1t. l am telling you that in the by
gone Era when Nights were not
wasted on Slumber, 1t would have
been Impossible to have this Show
at Noon. At that Hour the Groom
was always in a Turkish Bath try
ing to get back on Earth after the
Dinner for the Best man, the Csh-
ers and all others who happened to
be thirsty. AS a Rule the Lads
didn't come up for Air until 6 P. NJ.
No one knew when the Ceremony
would take place After all the
Stragglers had answered the Roll
Call, then the Preacher was given
the High Sign and told to shoot the
Works"
A Rough-House Meal.
Things have come to direful
Pass when they get to have one
Plain Clothes Man to watch the
Presents and two to watch the
Guests. The Refreshments may con-
tain a lot of Vitamins. but they are
shy on Mirth and Laughter. No one
wants to make a Speech. The Bride