Evening star., 1933-04-30

Postmaster General Farley turned
out to be the hero Of the professors,
because "as long rs he keeps Demo-
cratic lowhrows waiting at the front
door We can keep slipping professoTial
highbrows In by the back door,"
A new arrival applied for . job.
What was your college?" asked
Moley.
"vassar," he responded.
What did you do at vassar?"
II picked the daisies"
| Thereupon the professors sang to the
tune of Daisies Won't Tell:
Daisies won't tell our secrets Of state;
They never tattle tales Of the great.
That's why the White House likes US
| so well,
We pick the daisies and they won't tell.
The working of the Roosevelt farm
relief plan was shown through the de-
vice of q group Of peasants, dressed IN
Russian costumes, working in the nelds.
One of them remarked that these here
processin' taxes the farmers have slip
ped ON them city slickers Is certainly
doin' the business for U.s."
Not . Five-Year Plan.
A peasant suggested that this was
the five-year plan Is modified by the
White House, but he was corrected. It
Is only . two-year plan.
| If It's . failure" he was told,
''thereu be two years to forget 1t be-
fore 1885,"
The approach Of the peoples COM
missars was heralded by two cossacks,
waving cutlasses, who rushed In shout
ing: make way for the peoples COM
missars, Wallaceowski and Tugwello-
WITCH"
The peasants went through . cate
the greatest benefactor Of the farmer
was Rooseveltovitch and that the
greatest commissar of agriculture since
Artie Hyde was Wallaceowski.
The charges which brought the two
commissars were produced and the
trial began for the crime of non-ob-
servance CT the restrictions on the pro-
duction Of swine. Tugwellovitch read
the charge:
Here is q case Of persistent and
contemptuous defiance of domestic al
lotment. A Poland China sow called
Cleopatra has repeatedly given birth
to litters Of eight pigs, whereas the
limit fixed by Your Worship Is SIX"
The owner Of Cleopatra was dragged
forth and his defense was that she was
| young and wayward" He was told by
Wallaceowski that ltters Of eight pigs
would be the ruin Of US and that
something drastic must be done.
"Tugwellovitch. what does your mas
sive brain suggest?" asked Wallaceow-
ski
The second commissar consulted Karl
Marks "Das Kapital' and suggested
treason.
That's it. Of course. Tugwellovitch." /"
said the first commissar. Treason.
Cleopatra has been guilty Of treason to
our sacred cause. on with her head.
She shall be made an example to all
than six pigs at q time. Headsman,
attend! Lead the way to the execu-
ton"
The musical compositions Of William
H. Woodin, Secretary of the Treasury,
were used by the Gridiron Club with
out 50 much as the change Of q word
as the basis for one skit. The actual
words and music Of group Of Wood
ms children's songs were applied to
present conditions in the Roosevelt ad-
ministration by large cast dressed as
school children.
Singing Of Woodin Song.
They came on the stage singing a
\Woodin song:
"Coo-coo Clocks"
The new principal entered. His name
was Woodin.
Willie Woodin," q child explains.
otherwise known aS Little Woodin
Willie" Whereupon the cast sings
Woodin's song, Little Wooden Willie"
Little Wooden Willie,
People thought him silly,
Cause he had a knot-hole
In the midle Of his head.
| So he put hat on.
And since he has that on,
Folks who called him silly,
Think he's very wise instead"
F. c. Await, acting controller OF the
currency, was identified as the original
of "Snoop- Wiggy" who runs about on
four feet and is kind as you'll all
agree" The principal inspected all the
children's banks. Most Of them rave
forth no sound when they were shaken,
but in one the rattle of coins was vo-
clferous Its possessor said that he was
little Charlie Dawes of Chicago.
Jesse Jones showed me the cookie
bush," he said, and oh, what a fine
cookie-bush it vast"
THE cookie bush" was identified as
the Reconstruction Finance Corpora
ton.
| A scarecrow entered the stage next
and was identified as Montagu Norman,
governor Of the Bank of England, who
"fen OF the gold standard long before
we did but doesn't boast about It," He
was put forth as the original Of Mr..
Woodin's song, "Scarecrow."
Don't let this English scarecrow
frighten you with the war debts and
the fall from the gold standard" said
q big boy, as ragged old man entered
the stage. Here's some one who's lust
back from England and can advise us
just what to do-Mr. Andrew W.. Mel
lon,' known since October, 1929, as
'Raggedy Andy" -.
Scene From Hamlet.
The Gridiron Clubs Shakespearean
players took from Hamlet" the scene
in which Polonius gives advice to his
son Laertes, and brought it up to date
with the shade of the great "T. r." in
terpreting and moderntng the words of
Polonius in an effort to get through q
message to q fifth cousin" While
Laertes meeled at the feet of his father,
Polonius delivered his precepts while
"T. r." in Rough Rider" costume, In
terpolated, as follows:
Polonius-(to his SOM "Give thy
thoughts no tongue, nor any uppropor-
toned thought his act"
T. R-"Speak softly and carry. q big
stick. If your trial balloons are de-
Hated put the reporters in the Ananias
Club"
Polonius-"Be thou familiar but by
no means vulgar
T. R.-"n you must see John F.
Curry, see him. But don't ask him to
stay to lunch" E~.
Polonius-"Ihe friends thou hast
and their adoption tried, grapple them
to thy soul with hoops of steel"
T. R.-"Dont pick any Moleycod.
dies for friends. Also I doubt William
Randolph Hearst will ever stand with
you at Armageddon to battle for the
World Court. Try Hi johnson, but
don't let his invitation to dinner &C
astrav"