The Ely miner. [volume] (Ely, Minn.) 1895-1986, 1933-01-13

| The most they ever got out of him
was a Smile indicative more of Pity
| than of Anger. After they had hol-
| Tered themselves hoarse and suppl
| Gated the Court and massaged the
Jury, then julius would arise and ex-
plain What was What in Language
| which was feebly initiated some time
| ago by William Shakespeare, Lord
| Macaulay and Daniel Webster. And,
somehow, before he got through, all
of the Listeners would be convinced
that they were listening to the Chief
| Justice.
The Average Lawyer cannot tell
| you, definitely. his Wife's First Name
| until after he has gone to the Office
and looked at couple of Books. Ju-
Illus knew what the Authorities had
to say before they said it.
The Barristers with defective Igni-
ton and no Self-Starters found it hard
| going when they tried to regulate the
activities of a bounding Intellectual
Gazelle whose Intuition was about
Three Weeks in Advance of their care
! fully figured-out Dope.
Julius shone with especial Luster
when he had Board of Directors eat
ing from the Hand. He was the kind
of Legal Adviser who always felt that
he could get better Line on the
| Workings of the Company which en-
| ployed him If he owned quite Block
| of the Stock. And no matter what
they slipped him, II was Away with
the Understanding that they were
| mighty lucky to secure the Services
| of the ne plus ultra Crackerjack of
the Twentieth Century.
Julius rode down the Appian Way
in Colder Chariot drawn by "a
White Horses while all of the Chair
Warmers and Checker Players and
| Culls and Misfits and Dumb Bells said
1t was a Crime the way he was get
| ting the Breaks, which he was.
You surround Mount Everest with
| Ant Hills and Mount Everest is going
to be lonesome. No one can be chum-
my with lot of Pigmies who are
only Knee high. julius had Host
| of envious Admirers but very few
| Pals and those who were his Close
Friends needed only Blue Suits, Short
Pencils and Freckles to make them
regular Messenger Boys.
Astronomy teaches that Satellites
may revolve around Planets. but never
Vice Versa.
Julius was always the Incompatible
! 1t without making any apparent Eff
| fort to overshadow his Environment.
cause the Minor Actors backed away
at his regal Approach and tried to
hide behind the Scenery.
Functioned at Top Speed.
Inasmuch as all normal Adults are
missing on most of the Cylinders. it
was no Miracle that one who func-
toned at Top Speed and was abso-
lutely minus all Doubts and Fears
should become Leader by Common
Consent, and then be privately hated
by all of the Second-Raters.
One Of our prize Decisions is that
men who acquire extreme Unpopular.
ity are seldom successful and happy.
To get the Cold Facts play the Re-
verse English. The handshaking
Greeters who achieve Popularity are
often elected to Office, with the Re
suit that they are neither happy nor
financially prosperous They get their
Pictures in the Papers and finally are
buried by Popular Subscription.
One of the real Satisfactions which
followed julius through his Meteoric
Career arose from the knowledge that
he was thoroughly detested because
of his Wealth, his Wardrobe, his Town
House, his Fleet Of Motor Cars. his
suite of Offices, his princely Income
and his Magnetic Control of all sur
rounding Circumstances.
He could hear the Buzz of the De-
tractors below but he never saw the
Knockers, because he always wore his
Head tilted back and was giving
correct Imitation of Alex defying the
Lightning.
1t would have broken his Heart If
the perspiring CommOners had ever
hailed him as an Equal. He wanted
to be in the Ether while they were
crawling In the Mud, and the fullest
Vindication of his Career was that no
one ever asked him to be a Candidate
for Anything. He had no Time to hold
Office. He was too busy telling the
Office Holders what to do.
1t is said that the Funeral Process
sion was over a Mile long, with 240
Cars. and in every Car at least four
happy Mourners who were swapping
Stories about julius and his superla-
tive Egotism and offensive Eccentrici-
ties.
The lofty Monument for which he
provided in his viii, knowing that
the Beloved Ones could not be trusted,
is so feet high and is visible by many
Sight-Seers who stand around and re-
call that, even though he was ornery
and stuck up, he batted 1000, never
was caught on Bases and hadn't sin
gle Error marked up against him. No
wonder the Hatreds survive
There are all sort of Guesses as to
what became of him. Some think he
is the Gatti- Casazza of the Heavenly
Choir and others feel sure that he
is President of Heating Plant. Wher-
ever he is, he has a Swivel Chair and
a big Desk with Flowers On it.
MORAL-The easiest Thing in the
World to get and the hardest to cash
on is Three Hearty Cheers.