The Coolidge examiner., 1933-06-30
THE FABLE OF
BEING A TRUE
SPORT
g
By GEORGE ADE
.. Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.

U. Bell 5yuulCate.-H y L Service.
nee there was a very small
l and succulent Urchin who
discovered before he had
been on the planet many Moons,
that no Individual attracts favor
able Attention unless he exhibits a
certain Amount of alluring Cussed-
ness. He found out, as kids of Nor
NAL Intelligence must find out, that
his Elders laid down for him a
strict Set of Rules which they took
great Pleasure in busting to Smith
Greens.
As soon as he could sit on a hard
adult Knee he was warned that,
during the Years to come, he must
be Polite, Unselfsh. Industrious. and
economical. lot of the Folks who
slipped him this rare Dope were i'll
hammered and grabbed and lazy and
wasteful, but what of it? Among
Parents and Relatives the Big Idea
to be worked off on the Young
sters is. DO as say and not as
do"
Many Eater had told
him that when he grew up he must
shun Liquor. The Poker-Players
explained to him that Good Lit
tie Boys played Marbles for Fun,
and not for Classics and Aggies.
Uncle Fred. with both his Vest
Pockets stuffed full of high-grade
Connecticut-wrapped Five Centers
and smelling like a Smoke House.
would warn the little Man that he
must never, never form a Tobacco
Habit.
No wonder GriswOld. when he was
s years of Age, sat down one Day
and figured it out, in a Spirit Of ut
ter Cynicism, that Life was a Bunk
and Old People were whitewashed
Sepulchers and conventional Virtue
offered absolutely no inducements
to a Lad of Parts and ambition.
Even at that Early Age he felt
stirring within himself an outlaw
Desire to be a True Sport. He
took note Of the Fact that all of the
Juvenile Paragons who were held
up as Models Of Department to the
Ornery Youngsters were pale and
had sea shell Ears and wore Shoes
In the Summer Time and didn't seem
to be getting anything out OF Life
and were loathed by the Rising Gen
Grafton.
Early Vices of a Semi-criminal.
On the other Hand. all the Hard
Eggs who could fight with their fists
and went swimming in the Crick
before the Ice was out and carried
Nigger-Shooters and had a stand
ing feud with the Town Marshal
they were talked about and admired
and quoted and surrounded by
Cringing COurtiers.
GriswOld was cropping toward a
Fact which has long puzzled and
discouraged a good many Moralists.
Robin Hood remains 4 glOrihed
figure, but who is interested in John
Bunyan? Captain Kidd has an en-
during Fame and is beloved by
Thousands who never heard of the
Archbishop OF Canterbury. ROllo
goes into the Discard but Huck Finn
remains luminous Hero whose
shocking Vices endear him to Old
and Young,
The troulsie with straight-laced
Morality. as practiced in q perfume
tory Manner in So many Communi-
ties, is that 1t holds out no glitter
ing Inducements. Griswold, or
"Griz,' as he was addressed by his
Colleagues, knew, even at the Age
of Eight, that he never would be
respected as a coming Buffalo Bill
or John l.. Sullivan merely because
he washed behind the Ears and
saved up his Pennies for the Hea-
then. 1t was understood among the
Lads of his Gang that the Good
Ones were going to escape burning
in Hot Flames but, aside from that,
they had no Prospects.
1t seemed to Griswold that if he
wanted to be cowboy or travel
with a CirauS ha bod hattar dor,
onstrate an immediate spirit of
Bravado by learning to Smoke.
When he made this manly Resolve
1t was still possible to get Pitts
burgh Stogies at two for Five.
while very good quality of
Cheroot could be had out OF a pa
per Box, at any Grocery Store for
Three Cents each, two for Five. or
twelve for Two Bits, so that the
foul Nicotine was. as you might
say. within the Reach of All.
If he finally could pun at a Two
fer without getting dizzy. it was be-
cause he showed the Optimism and
logged Determination that are de-
manded of any one who would learn
to eat Olives. play Bridge, reduce
the Weight. listen to an Opus or
read HindoO Poetry.
BY the time he was in his Teens
he owned Pipe and painfully tried
to use the kind of Language that
would have Mortified his Sunday
School Teacher. and he had a semi