The Coolidge examiner., 1933-07-28
THE FABLE OF
BEING CORRECT
AND PROPER
g
By GEORGE ADE
@. Bell syndlcate.-wNU Service.

NNCE there was a Man named
I Alonzo rockingham whose
wife used to bawl him out
something scandalous on account Of
his crude Manner of Speech and his
Penchant for using all of the Smart
Aleck Slang he could pick up.
Even when Company was present
he made no apparent Effort to rec
ognize the Presence of the Dom
inie or the College Profs, but
seemed to take a loaferish Delight
In saying, right out in front Of them,
Not on your Whiskers" or How
do you get that WayT' or, possibly
"Pll tell the cock-eyed World" He
sure was an Injun.
The wife, whose front name was
Mehitabel, often told him that one
Reason why she let out such Yelp
about his Coarse Language was that
he had no Excuse for pulling the
Hick Stuff. He had been incu-
bated in an Atmosphere of Culture,
and, later, attended the State Uni
versity. He had read all the Works
OF Sir Walter Scott and Robert W.
Chambers. He had delivered Ora
tions which were Scholarly and full
of bang-up Words, such as "Vouch-
safe" "Eleemosynary" and "Perad-
venture" so what was the Large
Idea Of trying to make folks think
he was Longshoreman?
No matter how thoroughly Lady
Is On to her Permanent Affliction
and however low may be her Esti-
mate Of his Moral Grandeur and In
tellectual Prowess, she always tries
to be loyal to His Nobs and spread
the Impression among the Neigh
bors that he Is a Combination of
ElIhu Root, Herbert Hoover, the
Pope, DR.. Butler and DR.. William
Lyon Phelps OF Yale. He may be
a Mutt at Home but when he gets
to the Bench Show he Is Worlds
Champion with Ribbon around his
Neck.
Now there was simply no Let-up
to Mehitabel 'ragging Alonzo on ac'
count of his Prediction for the low.
brow Vernacular. She said that nc
refined Gentleman would ever speak
about busting the Stats of an Enemy
or designate the Family Doctor as
a Slice Of Herkimer or refer to 6
Young Lady Caller as a Pip.
Suggests Soft Pedal.
She told Lon that their Social Am
billions would never be realized and
they would not receive the Sacred
Pink Tickets admitting them to the
most inner and refrigerated Circles
of Polite Society until he put the
Soft Pedal on his Roughneck Con
versation and learned to apply
Salve instead of Red Pepper.
She dinged at him so long thaI
finally he made what Is known as
The Married Mans Compromise
/. e., he decided to let her have hel
own way In everything. He saiC
| he would Chop the Chuck Con
nors Dialect and make Lindley Muir
ray sound like a Vulgarian. III
would convert his most trivial Tall
into a Well of purest English unde
filed. so that all who heard hin
would be prone to emit exclama
tlons of Wonder and Admiration
Yes, indeed
At that, the Good Wife was no
prepared for the Verbal Confection
cry which he began to lavish upol
her. For instance, they were seat
ed at the Dinner Table and sh,
wanted to know II he had put in {
pleasant and profitable Day. where
upon he replied: "On the Contrary
have been subjected to Serie
of rather narrowing Experiences, al
tending to disrupt my Calm and ruf
fie what is, under all but abnorma
Circumstances, a truly Angelic TEN
per-"
Have you gone off your Nut?
asked Mehitabel.
mo, ma'am, am trying to let yoV
know that Everything went Punl
with me today, but 1 am endeavor
ing to convey the Information II
Language so chaste and dignifiet
that even my best Pal and severes
Critic cannot find Fault with he
little Alonzo."
You can lay off of the cheal
and rowdy Expressions without try
ing to make Fool Of the Diction
ary," Suggested friend Wife.
Unfortunately I cannot do so,
he replied. There doesn't seem +
be any happy Compromise betweel
Slang and Jaw-breakers. When on
decides to correct his manner o
Speech by refraining from the cur
rent Catch-Phrases of the Street
the homely Colloquialisms and al
the barbarous Americanisms whicl
are so repulsive to High School Su
perintendents, he finds himself a
once imbedded in a Bog Of poly
syllable Circumlocutions."
"Slip me that Last One again,
said Mehitabel. 81 muffed it."