The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1933-03-16
The Fable of How
to Be One
g
By GEORGE AIDE
@. Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.

W SllOH UCdA
and loosening of the Rivets. Zebulon
is regarded as an overwhelming Sue
cess, and Elijah is voted a terrible
Flop, and to understand the Why of
these Verdicts, all you have to do is
to run over the Scenarios of their Life
Dramas and do a little Character
Reading.
Zeb was always large for his Age
and very slow, especially above the
Shoulder-Blades, so he acquired a
Rep for being dignified and cautious.
Life was quick on the Trigger and
could see through any Proposition in
two Shakes and answer any Question
right off the Reel, so all Of the Dumb
Bells, constituting 99.4 of the entire
Population, hated him for his Cock
sureness and were always hoping that
he would stub his Toe and fall down
and break his Leg.
Zeb had spent all his Life in one
Congressional District, conserving the
Property which his Wife inherited,
and telling the Natives every few Min
utes that they are Natures Noblemen
and snow.white Patriots, and they eat
it up.
Getting BY on Very Little.
Lie has been all over the Map,
spending his Coin ON Railway Fare
and Gambling Enterprises connected
with new and hopeful Towns. He is
wise to every Turn in the Road and
his got the Number Of every Species
Of False Alarm, Tight-Wad and Lunk-
head. He has cultivated a Contempt
for all of the Whispering Conserva-
tives who wear Arctic Overshoes and
never let go of Two Bits unless they
see something worth Four Bits. When
ne gets back home he builds a Fire
under Sleepy Hollow and tells the
Residents that they are simply lot
of Warts on the Cuticle of the TWEEN
tieth Century, the Result being that
he is just as popular as Poison.
If you were to lock Zebulon and
Elijah in a Room together and give
each one of them a Set of Questions
relating to American History, Current
Events, Political Economy, Psychic
Phenomena, Farming Geography and
Sporting Data, it is probable that
Lie would give Correct Replies to
Everything while Zeb would compro-
mise by saying that this Broad Do
main, sanctified by the Blood Of our
Fathers, must ever be kept inviolate
against Foreign Influences and Euro
pean Alliances.
If you asked Zebulon in a Hurry.
he couldn't give you his Street Ad-
dress or tell what size Hat he wears,
yet Zebulon is in Congress. Whyf
Because, to get into Congress, one does
not have to pass any Civil Service
Examination.
You wouldn't believe, sitting where
you are now. this beautiful Morning,
surrounded by Steam Heat, that there
was any benighted Region in the
World where a large but decorative
Blimp, containing nothing but Artif1-
cial Gas, could get by on Whiskers, a
wide soft Hat, the Clergyman's tie, a
starched Vest, a Prince Albert Suit
with a Sheet-lron Finish, and few
Chest Notes trained to give EXPIRES
sion to all Of those AppleSauce Platl-
tudes which were in Style up to the
Days of Theodore Roosevelt and
Woodrow Wilson.
It is a safe 1000 to Bet that Zebu-
Ion never has said Anything which
will be sealed up In the Memory Of
his Countrymen and Preserved for
Posterity.
A Ponderous Pipe Organ.
On the other Hand, this Life is
wise-cracking Whiz. with side-hold
on the Anglo-Saxon Tongue and
Philosophers Point of View and the
Gift of Originality. If he has no
Friends, it Is because he digs up the
unwelcome Truth and spreads it over
the Landscape, while Zebulon always
tells the Mush-Tops exactly what they
want to hear, so what Nice Teller he
is to be sure. And yet the Copy
Books tell US that knowledge is
Power.
Zebulon never figured anything out
in his life, because the Wheels in his
Gearing do not connect at all, but he
just happened to take advantage Of
the Supreme Truth that One who
wishes to stand Ace High with the
Public must appeal to the Eye without
regard to the Understanding.
For proof Of this interesting Fact,
we have only to check up on Holly
wood, and any good Beach in Florida.
If Movie Star can get SIS a second
for having ruby-red Lips and beau
tiful Belledonna Eyes, after being
lost in the Desert for Days and
Days, why should He or She be COM
PEELED to know the Multiplication
Table?
And the One-piece Bathing Suit, i'm
properly filled can give Cards and
Spades to Culture. Refinement and
Nobility of Character.
Zebulon has always been Great in
the same way that the Redwood Trees,
Niagara Falls and the Washington
Monument are entitled to respectful
Attention. Alphabetically, he has
been SO impressive that no one ever
cared a Darn about the Contents of
the massive Work of Art.
A Speed Demon Who Doesn't Get
There.
Zeb can take a third-rate Common