The Coolidge examiner., 1933-02-10
The Fable of How
to Be One
g
By GEORGE ADE

bSSihulilS To SHOW EHSlIle w ear duu
loOsening OF the Rivets. Zebulon
is regarded as an overwhelming
Success, and Elijah is voted ter
rible Flop. and to understand the
Why of these Verdlcts. all you have
TO do is to run over the Scenarios
OF their Life Dramas and do little
Character Reading.
Zeb was always large for his Age
and very slow. especially above the
ShOulderBlades, so he acquired
a Rep Tor being dignified and eau
tious.
Lie was quick on the Trigger
and could see through any Propo-
sitiCI in two Shakes and answer
any Question right off the Reel. so
all the Dumb-Bells, constituting
99.4 of the entire Population.
hat ed him for his Cock-suredness
and were always hoping that he
would stub his Toe and fall down
and break his Leg.
Zeb had spent all his Life in one
Congressional District. conserving
the Property which his Wife inher-
tied. and telling the Natives every
few Minutes that they are Natures
Noblemen and snow-white Patri-
OTIS, and they eat ii up.
Getting BY on Very Little.
Lie has been all over the map,
spending his Coin on Railway Fare
and Gambling Enterprises connect
ed with new and hopeful Towns.
He Is wise to every Turn In the
Road and has got the Number of
every Species of False Alarm.
cultivated a Contempt for all of the
Whispering Conservatives who wear
Arctic OvershOes and never let go
of Two Bits unless they see some
thing worth Four Bits. When he
gets back home he builds a Fire
under Sleepy Hollow and tells the
Residents that they are simply
lot of Warts on the Cuticle of the
Twentieth Century. the Result be-
ing that he is just as popular as
Poison.
If you were to lock Zebulon and
Elijah In a Room together and give
each one of them Set of Ques-
tions relating to American History,
Current Events. Political Economy,
Psychic Phenomena, Farming. Ge-
ography and Sporting Data. it is
probable that Lie would give Cor
rect Replies to everything while
Zeb would compromise by saying
that this Broad Domain, sanctifled
by the Blood of our Fathers. must
ever be kept Inviolate against For
eign Influence and European Alli-
ances.
If you asked Zebulon in
Hurry. he couldn't give you his
Street Address or tell what size Hat
he wears. yet Zebulon is In Con-
gress. Why? Because, TO get In
Congress, one does not have to pass
any such thing as a Civil Service
Examination.
You wouldn't believe. sitting
where you are now. this beautiful
Morning. surrounded by Steam
Heat. that there was any benign
Region in the World where large
but decorative Blimp. containing
nothing but. Artificial Gas, could
get by on Whiskers. wild soft
Hat. the Clergyman's tie, a starched
Vest. a Prince Albert Suit with
Sheet-IrOn Finish. and a few Chest
Notes trained to give Expression TO
all of those Applesauce Platitudes
which were in Style up to the
Days of Theodore Roosevelt and
Woodrow Wilson.
II is a safe 1000 to Bet that
ZebulOn never has said Anything
which will be sealed up in the Mem
ory of his Countrymen and Pre-
served for Posterity.
A Ponderous Pipe-organ.
On the other Hand, this Lille is
a wise-cracking Whiz, with a side
hold on the AnglO-SaxOn Tongue
and a Philosophers Point of View
and the Gift of Originality. If he
has no Friends. Ii is because he
digs up the unwelcome Truth and
spreads it over the Landscape,
while Zebulon always tells the
Mush-Tops exactly what they want
TO hear, so what a Nice Feller he is
to he sure. And yet the Copy
Books tell US that Knowledge is
Power.
Zebulon never figured anything
out in his life, because the Wheels
in his Gearing do not connect at all,
but he just happened to take ad-
vantage of the Supreme Truth that
One who wishes to stand Ace High
with the Public must appeal to the
Eye without regard to the Under
standing.
For proof of this interesting
Fact. we have only to check up on
Hollywood. and any good Beach in
Florida.
If Movie Star can get SIS a sec
ond for having ruby-red Lips and
beautiful Belledonna Eyes, after be-