The Coolidge examiner., 1933-03-24
The Fable of the
Monarch of West
ern Hemisphere
g
By GEORGE ADE
g. Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.

TT WILL be remembered that Mr.
Jelby stood in front of the Drug
Store in 1900 and said that
when he started somewhere behind
a Horse he knew he would get there
and. besides, you didn't have to
crank up Horse and it never had
Tire Trouble. Yes, indeed. Mr.
Jelby was slick enough to see that
the Horseless Carriage was merely
a futile Experiment and countless
| Generations yet to arrive would
have to depend upon Old Dobbn.
Now he wants TO slap the Speedom-
eter In the Face II it doesn't regis
ter 90 and when he goes around a
/ Family Party huddled in a Fliv he
does 1t on Two Wheels and shouts
insulting Cracks at the Slow Pokes
who are impeding Traffic.
1t was Mr.. Jelby who opposed the
/ formation of the Country Club, al
lowing that Golf was an effeminate
Diversion intended for White Rab-
bits and inmates Of the Old Peoples
Home, but sad Imitation of Some
thing to Do for a robust Athlete
who had been brought up on base
ball and Draw Poker. And now
Mr.. Jelby has more Clubs than Ha.
gen and at Night his Wife will hear
him murmurlng in his sleep. THE
head down and come back slowly"
You know. one OF these terrible
Cases.
Oh, how he ridiculed the folks
who put In their time Dancing He
was one of the first to denounce
Jazz. He said that the old-fashioned
Waltz and MaZurka had some sense
To them and he even defended the
hop-skip-and jump Polka, but the
modern Trots. and Toddles and
Walks had no Relation to Terpsl-
chorean Art and were merely lazy
Forms of Indoor Exercise. And now
Mr.. Jelby wants to go out every Night
and wriggle until the SaxOphone
Players pass out, and the walters
begin putting the chairs on the Ia
bles.
He is the Kind that will make
Fun Of new style or some novel
Diversion until II becomes UnIver-
sal and then he will wake up some
Morning and discover II with a Cry
OF Surprise. He wouldn't wear
those Baggy Trousers until after
they had been adopted by all the
Walters AT the Bon Ton Cafe.
Those Who Get Maddest Fall
Hardest.
His offspring got many a raspy
Grilling just short time ago be
cause they wasted so much time
on prevailing Type OF Idiocy
known ms the Cross Word Puzzle.
He advanced the highly original
Opinion that ii didn't make any diff
ference how many letters were in
Certain word or what the last three
Letters might he or what the Word
meant. lf the new Craze was go
Ing to teach folks lot Of new
Words, he was agin 1t. because most
of them knew too many words al
ready and nsed them too frequent.
ly. Resides, after you had solved
the Fool Thing ont to all the cor
ners and had used up a couple OF
Erasers. what had you really done
to make the World brighter and
happier and better?
One day he happened to pick up
one of the TeaserS and began TO
fool with ii, in Spirit Of Con
tempt The first Horizontal Word
was something in six Letters mean
ing to arrive or depart or 60 up
an Alley. or something like that
You know. one of those Short Ones
that a Small Child who is mentally
defective should guess in Three Sec
Onds or whatever happens IN be
BOgey. After two hours Mr.. Ielby
was up on the Table with the news
paper under one Knee. gnaShing
his Teeth and rubbing the thing out
for the 41th time Those who get the
maddest fall the hardest. He went
out and bought the largest Diction-
ary TO be had. also a Book of Syn
onyms. an Atlas. Who's Who. and
the History of the World. And
now, If he stays up late enough he
can worry ont a dinky Little One
of about Thirty Words which the
Children cleaned mp before start
ing for the Movies.
Since you have correct line on
This rugged and typical American
Citizen. you will understand that
the Radio had him marked as a Vic
tim from the very start. When
the first crude Outfits were being
advertised. and few Amateurs
were building their Own Sets. and
sitting around for Hours wearing
Ear -Muffs and trying to strain a
few connected Sounds through the
Ruzzing Effects. II was then that
Mr.. Jelby showed utter Scorn for
the whole Game. Once he visited
Bug who was working hard to
get some Results. He even con-
sented tO mt on the Receivers and