The Coolidge examiner., 1933-05-12
The Fable Of
the PhOncy
Veneer
By GEORGE ADE
&. Bel syndlcate.-WNU Service.

"
with a 80 Per Cent Slope
above his Eyebrows and an
Open Space where his Chin should
have been. He had taken three fun
Courses In a Correspondence School
which told the Provincial how TO
acquire Personality but he had not
yet annexed enough TO help him in
tagging a Street Car
Always he seemed TO blend into
the Surroundings. just like Piece
OF Furniture. If he started TO say
Something in Company. that was
the Signal for all the Others to be-
gin talking. He could stand In a
Department Store for Hours with
out being waited on. He was King
OF the Strap Hangers and held the
Worlds Record for being pushed Off
the Sidewalk by the white-faced
Ships who walk three and four
abreast
In every Generation there are GER
tain Men who leave their Impress
upon the world Mr.. Effingham
Gifts had not made as much as a
Dent. He was compelled TO use In
fuence 10 get his Name into the
City Directory. His Mail consisted
OF Catalogues and Propositions in
regard TO the Purchase of Books on
u Weekly Payment Plan.
A Slogan Swallower.
If Mr.. Gifts often pondered on
Death and decided TO postpone the
shuttle as long as possible. 1t was
because he knew darned well that
his Funeral would be Flop. Just
a couple OF Gala Lilies and some
Boys from the Office To Pall-Bear.
Emngham was a good deal Of a
Gnat but he did not enjoy his des-
tiny. He found it very irksome 10
be rated as a Cipher He looked
like something that is found asleep
In a Back Row after an illustrated
Lecture on the Holy Land, but he
had within him all OF the turbulent
Ambitions OF a Napoleon. He had
a Smoldering Desire TO bite on the
Ankle all those who had been tread
Ing on him.
Probably what fused Mr.. Gifts
more than anything else was the
gloomy Fact that the Female Sex
regarded him as a Swozzie: He
could walk on the crowded Avenue
for Miles and Miles and never get
the Eye. He was cursed with all
OF the outward Appearances of one
who is signally Moral. The Girls
certainly cO-operated to help him
behave.
Mr.. Efiingham Gifts was old
enough TO have u Home Of his own,
tine Job at a sweet Salary and a
Standing In Society He saw Men
OF his own Age being elected to Con-
gress, building Sky-scrapers and
bOsSing Railroads. Whereas, he sat
at a Desk and handled some of the
pifling Details OF large Corpora
tiOn. His Desk was over in a dark
Corner. commanding a view of
Brick Wall and some overhead
Wires. The English Sparrows would
sit on the Wires and look in at Eff
dngham and pity him.
The World had superimposed it.
SELF on Eflingham Gifts as effec-
lively as an Elephant might, in a
spirit of utter CallousneSs. squat on
Caterpillar The Fact that he was
not crushed is all to his Credit
When he attempted to get up on his
Hind Legs and crow he was q
Bloomer, but let it be told to Fu-
ture Generations that, at least, he
made the Try.
IL was about a year ago that Mr..
Gifts decided to stop playing the
Third Assistant Grave-Digger and
be the curly haired hero. When an
Insect starts out to be an Eagle that
is some Contract. but Efiingham was
hopeful and determined. He had
been on Diet of uplifting Edi-
torials and nice hot Slogans. He
had been dev0uring these inspira-
tional Pieces on how TO achieve
Success. Most of them had been
written by salaried Hacks who owed
Grocery Bills.
Had Good Intentions.
Mr.. Glitts believed anything that
was printed and framed Every
time he read one of those highly
original Instructions hanging above
a Desk he resolved 10 be himself
and keep on smiling and do it now
aud not worry. He wanted to obey
all of the Rules which had helped
50 many Humble Beginners to work
their way up to Sl.S00 Jobs. So he
made all his Plans to emerge from
the Hay each A. NJ. and greet the
newborn Day with high Courage.
He had it straight from a l5-
cent Magazine that every Mortal
can get away with Anything If he
has the Nerve to jump right in and
get Strangle Hold on the lmmedi-