The Coolidge examiner., 1933-05-19
The Fable of
the Acrobatic
Horoscope
g
By GEORGE ADE
g, Bell syndlcate.-wNU Service.

In an Orcnaru one Wnole AIT
ernoon mapping out his Future.
He was Five Years Old at the time
and still carried his Milk Teeth and
a few Pin Feathers, but already he
had begun brooding over his career.
After a Survey of all Business
Occupations and Professions it
struck him that being a Preacher
was the Duck Soup. He had been
watching one of them and it seemed
TO him that this Bird had every
thing organized and was riding high,
wide and purity. Nothing to do all
Week except wear a Dark Suit in
conjunction with a psuedo-Panama
and beam like Head Light when
ever addressed.
Jefferson had it on good Author
fly that the Parson didn't have TO
pay any House Rent. No matter
where he went. the folks who saw
him began to kill Yellow-Legs and
lay the Foundation of an old-fash-
ioned Strawberry Short-Cake. At
every Wedding he could go as far
as he liked on the Ice cream. Neigh
bors often sent in the first Lilac Cut
tings, and usually he had Corn on
the Cob about a week ahead OF the
Stores. Easy Picking was the only
Name for 1t.
The Job seemed TO have no
Drawbacks. On Sunday Morning
the Preacher was Boss OF the whole
Show. He picked out the Songs. and
on matter what he said, no one
dared to give him any Slack. II
seemed to little Jefferson that a
Feller who had chance to be a
Minister. and then got hooked with
some other kind OF Job was q lit
tie shot in the Upper Story, to
quote the Picturesque Idiom of some
three Decades ago.
The Webster Stuff.
BY the time that Jeffie was 10, and
sat on a baggage Truck to watch
the Choo-Choos wham by, he had
forgotten all about his Determine.
tlon TO free-lunch his way through
Life as Parson. He was now all
set 10 be Con on good Passenger
Run Nothing. 1t seemed to him.
could exceed the Glory OF the Blue
Uniform, the servile Attentions at
every Way Station, the imperious
Gesture to the Engineer, the Lam
tern carried in the Hollow OF the
Arm, the Rollicking Comradeship of
Travelling Statesmen and the expert
Tipping on and off.
Jefferson knew all the Trains by
Number and was saving up to buy
a heavy Silver Watch. II was all
fixed. When he grew up he was
going to run No. 5 into the Grand
Central every Evening and then
wash up and go 10 the Minstrels.
We discover him at the Age OF Is
eating Throat Lozenges and max
Ing hurried Preparations TO be a
great Political Orator. He was just
at the High School age when the
Legs and Mental Perceptions are
wobbly, when the Voice and the
Outlook on Life are changing and
when the Whiskers and many i'm
practicable Ambitions are begin
ming TO sprout
Jefferson had tried out his new
Baritone on Norval. whose Father
fed the Flock, on the Turk who lay
in the Guarded Tent at Midnight,
and on Spartacus. who formed the
first Equity Association among the
Actors doing stunts in the Arena
at Rome. He was one of the main
ElOcutors in Lincoln High and his
Stuff had been going over big. Con-
sequently. when he came under the
Spell of a visiting Wind-Iammer
who spoke for nearly two Hours in
Court House Square. he was car
ried completely off his Feet and re-
solved that he would he a Public
Speaker or bust his Vocal Cords in
the Attempt.
The great Word-Painter who had
so impressed our Young Friend be-
longed to the Old School Of Plat
form Performers who loved Meta
phors and hated Hair-Cuts. The
Type is still hanging on in the Chau-
tauquas, but the radio has him on
the Ropes. Along about 1908 he
was a Darb. The one admired by
Jefferson wore double-breasted P.
A. and was trying to be a Carbon
Copy of Daniel Webster and was
getting away with all of the stand
ardiZed Tricks. He knew how to
wave the Flag and Cry and pluck
the Stars out of the Firmament, so
every time he hit zap Town the
Farmers would drive in from miles
around in order to have their feel
ings massaged and get all het up.
Try-out Years.
Let US now check up on Jefferson
at the ripe age OF 20 He is a
Junior at College which is trying
TO dispense knowledge and collect
Endowments. Through his member
ship in a Frat and because of his
natty Appearance he has been given
the principal male Part in Per-
formance by the Dramatic Club. and