The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1933-03-30
The Fable of the
Right One for Kirby
g
By GEORGE AIDE
Q. Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.

l6dTeu Ill lnelE G1OU6 SOIIl6-
thing that answered to the Name of
Kirby. To the intelligent Reader
much will be conveyed by the simple
! Statement that he was an Only Child.
And, as so often happens, his en-.
tranced Parents seemed to believe that
he was the Only One in the World.
/ There is an Old Saying that every
Mother thinks her own Goose is
Swan, and to carry the same Thought
little further it is not surprising
that in this Case the overjoyed Par
ents looked at their cunning little
NOodle-Head and saw in him the bud
ding GreatneSses of Julius Caesar,
William Shakespeare and Douglas
Fairbanks, all packed into one Parcel.
Those who have made a careful
study Of the ill-favored Children Of
the unusually Rich must have been. at
times, oppressed by the Thought that
Washington struggled and Lincoln suf-
fered and countless Brave Men faced
+ the Dangers of Border Warfare in OF.
der that the more recent Specimens
VA thS ASASAAA6 4AuC may olCCP
Velvet Hangings in gaudy Palaces and
have Serfs to wait on them, while all
the Courts are organized to protect
their Property Rights and large de-
tachments of Motor Cops are stationed
on the Highways to prevent them
from committing Suicide.
Now, as this Piece Of Veal emerged
from the Nursery and began to be
talked about in the Neighborhood in
which he lived, it was not evident
that he had any Characteristic Trait
of any particular kind except sub
lime Faith in his own Superiority.
Shooting Would Be Merciful.
The Surface of the Earth and the
Overhanging Firmament and the twin
king Stars had been assembled into
Stage Setting in preparation for his
Entrance upon the Scene.
At the age of Fourteen he spelled 1t
with two rs but he had a magnificent
Contempt for all Persons who were
either older or younger than himself.
For Youth who had the vivid Per-
sonality of a Mud Turtle, the moral
Fiber of Fish Worm and the nimble
Wit Of a Last Years Bird Nest 1t
was surprising how many Folks no.
ticed him and discussed him. There
was good deal Of arguing back and
forth about Kirby.
Those who had him directly under
Observation couldn't seem to agree.
Some said the Thing to do was to
stand him up against Wall and shoot
him. Others stood out for Cyanide Of
Potassium. A third Faction favored
throwing him from high Cliff on to
some jagged Rocks below.
At the Age of %, when Kirby was
a rare Orchid to his Mother and q
String of Garlic to the World in Cen
eral, his Custodians began to work
on what was known as his Intellect
in order to induce him to formulate
and sort of get together an Idea in
regard to getting married.
No sooner was it whispered around
that the Bermuda Prince was on the
Market than lot Of apprehensive Par
Daughters or hand them over to the
first Applicants or do something des-
perate in order to save them from
Living Death.
Home Talent Not Worthy.
They need not have had any Ire
Face which had been hoisted by
Plastic Surgeon. and Papa, who had
inherited so much Jack that he could
wear -Whiskers, all agreed that
there was no Deb, Sub-Deb, Flapper,
Cutie, or Damosel within a Radius Of
Fifty Miles who was sufficiently beau
tiful and talented and socially prom.
fnent and loaded down with Assets to
qualify her to stand alongside of the
Worlds Best and receive Life Sen
tence.
No use talking, any Woman worthy
of Our Kirby would have to be out of
the Ordinary. So they took him to
Florida where the Picking was said
to be good.
There is no Truth in the Report
that they transported him in a Crate
and occasionally pushed Marshmal-
low to him, through the Bars. The
Boy was very bright and snappy. He
could go into the Diner. all by him
self, and order Food unless he had to
write it out, and often he would sit
on Chair and hold a Morning Paper
in front of Himself and decide that
most of the People in the World were
very crude and everything that hap
pened was awfully silly, after which
he would smoke a Pill, always getting
the Right End in his Mouth. because
the Ends were similar. OF course, if
they had permitted him to use Cork
Tips, the Results might have been
| serious.
From all of this foregoing Blurb
and Blah it will be gathered that much
depended upon finding some Sweet
Girl who was worthy, in every way,
Of the Lollipop. It would have been
! a shame to let the Breed die out just
as the Universe is facing so many in
tricate Problems.
The Girl Who Didn't Know a Good
Thing When She Saw 1t.
On a Beach near the Gulf Stream
| they found One that weighed and
measured all right and had an In
valid Father who owned a Railway.
| hut aftnr thew talked tO hpr few