The Coolidge examiner., 1933-03-03

tied by Statute, Mr.. Cumback had
TO adopt gentler Methods with the
other Type of Salesman who said
I'm wearing one myself" The
beaming Employee who exhibited a
new style of Collar on his own Per-
son, demonstrating, as it were, to
prove that it had Glass, aroused in
Our Hero a kind of Rabies.
"Ah, let me put on my Smoked
Glasses and look at you" would be
his ejaculation. 81 have seen Nj
agara Falls, the Sunset Glow on
the Jungfrau and the Grand Can
yon, but never before have | been
so awe-stricken. | am not good
enough to wear such a Collar. |
will simply tie my Handkerchief
around my neck and let it go at
that"
No wonder that those who dealt
with him in Retail establishments
suspected that he drank, or used
Opium, or had been overcome by
the Heat, or possibly the Nurse had
let him fall on his Head while he
was young.
Among his Chronic Ailments were
Treasuritus, Porterene and Waiter
phobia. The boy in the Box-Oflice
would begin I'VE have nothing"
and then Alfred would interrupt
and take the Words out of his
mouth, saying: 81 get you. You
have nothing ahead of the 18th
Row. Did you ever figure that you
| could save a lot of Wear and Tear
on your Vocal Cords by installing
a Photograph here in the Lobby
and have it repeat over and over
Nothing ahead of the 18th Row !!
You have Hit in your ShowShop
and | am only a poor Goof who
wants to buy a Pair at the adver-
tised Prices, so that makes me just
as welcome as Neuralgia.
Before departing, | wish to say
that | have had visions of Alex
ander on a Throne of Porphyry and
Gold, signing for more Worlds to
conquer; of imperial Caesar enter
ing Rome at the head Of his Le-
gions, and of Napoleon contemplat-
Ing a conquered Europe, but never
in my widest Imaginings have pic
tured anything so overwhelmingly
magnificent as you. sitting back in
your Cage. gazing down at the
Worms who come crawling up here,
begging for Tickets of Admission.
Hoping that you fall down and
break both Legs. as you are being
led toward the Electric Chair.
will bid you a CHEEKY Good After
noon,' but be sure and let me know
when you are going to he buried, as
l want to send some Flowers
Enthusiastic Pall-Bearers.
The foregoing is a specimen of
Rough STUFF as distinguished from
Polite Satire. but Mr. Cumback dis
covered Years ago, that to jar a
! Ticket-Selle one must use a Blunt
Instrument.
Very often in bestowing Tip at
a Restaurant, Mr.. Cumback would
say to the grasping menial: Il hand
you this money, not because you
have rendered intelligent Service,
but so that you may be enabled to
purchase at some good Book Store
Volume entitled How to Wait on
the Table"
He puzzled many a Pullman Por.
ter who came, Whisk Broom in
Hand, by asking, "Have we met be.
foreT' A dirty Dig like this sound.
ed impromptu, but as a Matter OF
Fact, he had thought II out long be.
forehand and nursed it until the
Time came.
The Chambermaids could have
written a Book about Alfred Cum.
back. Not that he ever called them
Names. He simply asked questions
He was trying as an amateur Psy-
chologist, to discover the Mental
Processes which induced them to
remove Everything from his Writ
ing Table and make the Ratio be
tween Bath Towels and Hand Tow.
els four to one.
Alfred passed on not long ago. He
was carried to his last Resting
Place by six hired Pall-Bearers re
cruited from the Deaf and Dumb
! Asylum.
MORAL: If you don't mind be
ing a Social Outcast, always stand
up for your rights.