The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1933-01-26

toners turned out to be Good Citi-
Zens."
mo, not Good, merely Successful.
AS look back at the prehistoric Pc
| Rod of Paper Collars and the Hair
worn in Nets, it seems evident that
the only Young People who developed
robust Vices were those who had both
| Enterprise and Ambition. All of the
Refrainers were Virtuous in a mega
tive sort of Way but maybe it was
because they lacked the Pep to get out
and shatter a lot of Rules and Regula-
lions.
II remember that Punk Beasley
was supposed to be Ornery and worth
less but it did learn to walk the Slack
Rope after all the rest of us has tried,
and nearly broke our Necks, and now
he is Manager Of a, Factory because
he knows how to handle the Unions.
Still unpopular but getting Results.
The meanest Pup in Town, next to
Me, was Red flanagan. He was the
Horrible Example of the Residence
| District.
LAS soon as Red learned of
Habit which was frowned upon by
the Cody Element he went and culti-
waited that Habit, intensively and
| otherwise, as a Protest against the
Moral Code as translated here in
Weaver Junction. He is now Presi-
dent of an Inter-Urban Street Rail-
way Company and Exalted Ruler of
the Elks. What is more, he has not
changed any of his Habits. He simply
moved them to a Neighborhood in
which they would find more congenial
Environment. Did you ever hear of
the Hooper Shock-Absorber!"
"Who hasn't?"
The Gyper's Litany.
"Well, Skinny Hooper was born
and raised right here at this Whistling
| Post and, in addition to having Weak
Eyes, was supposed to carry nothing
but a large Open Space under the
Straw Hat. Now he has a House
Boat in Florida and four Jap Servants.
He hasn't any more Gumption than
he had when he failed to get his
Diploma in the High School. 1t seems
that one Day he just happened to
think of a Shock Absorber and since
i then he hasn't done Anything except
collect Royalties and read Time
Tables. On the Other Hand, Chad
Wheeler, who had an intellect so lum-
nous that you could see it in the
Dark, went out West and I'll bet you
couldn't guess what he's doing now"
"Driving Truck?"
mo, that Job would involve the
Physical Exertion of Crawling UP on
the High seat, starting the Engine and
twisting the Wheel Chad is too
smart to get hooked up with any EN-
ployment which might induce Perspira-
ton or strain any Of his pet Muscles.
No sir. 1 learned today that Chad
whose bullying Brain marked him as
a logical Candidate for Chief Justice
Of the Supreme Court, is now Night
Waterman at Movie Studio in Holly
wood.
THAT might sound like the Zero Of
Occupation for Mental Colossus but
l have no Doubt that Chad has the
Feeling that he and Bill Hays prac-
ticaHy control the Industry. The
Playmate that really wanted to find
out about has disappeared. His name
was Suffering Johnson and he was
| so Conscientious that he wouldn't go
along with us to steal Melons. We
were just like a couple Of Brothers
liked him, even if he did give me
I'd listen to old Suffering I'd have
been snow-white. He had an Impede
ment in his Speech but his Heart was
Pure Gold. 1 sure would like to get
some Track of him."
"You say he Disappearance" asked
the Drummer.
HE jumped his Bail Bond at Little
Rock. Ark, about six years ago, after
he'd been indicted for promoting a
queer Oil Company. I'd certainly like
to find the Old Boy. He was nearer
me than any of my own kin. Fur
thermore, from what l learn of his
Success in floating that Oil Stock, 1
think could use him in a big Scheme
that I'm cooking up to give Radio
Set to every Sucker who buys One
Thousand Dollars worth of Stock in
the Company that makes the Sets.
The Lawyers tell me It's a Safe Bet.
The real Business Success is the Guy
who can turn a Sharp Corner without
Stumbling his Toe. And as long as the
Grand Jury can't get anything on you,
that makes you Snow-White."
Il am more than ever surprised
that the Folks here never gave you
that Memorial Tablet" said the Com
mercial Traveller.
"They are all dead standing up"
said the diSowned Native Son. IF
they had made Fuss over me I'd
have put a Pipe Organ in the Church
from which was expelled. AS it Is,
will spend the Money for Silk under
wear"
MORAL: Every Profiteer is not
without Honor except where they have
line on him.
| nlL..k al