The Coolidge examiner., 1933-07-28

Series of Polysyllabic Circumlocu-
tons"
Il am glad that you remember
some of the Long Words you heard
in College," said she, "but don't
think you are going to jar any
Laugh out of me by sprlnging that
line of Low Comedy. One can be
Civilized without trying to talk like
an Editorial"
whatever else they may hang
on to you, you will always go Free
when accused Of being Funny" said
Mehitabel, giving him the Flshy
Eye. Il am trying to get you Par
lor-Broke and teach you to eat with
a Fork and you, with your Usual
Deficiency in ordinary Bovine In
telligence and appalling Absence Of
Good Taste, are trying to kid my
noble Efforts, gum up the whole
Program and make me look like a
desiccated Wham. Many a Woman
has beat it to Reno and got De-
cree for a good deal less than I
have put up with
Sweet and Sanitary.
"You wrong me, Sweetie,' insisted
AlOnzo. Il am trying, with all my
Boylsh Strength and with my Fin
gers crossed, to make my Talk
sweet and purity and sanitary. For
nearly One Hundred Years, as near
ly as | can estimate the Time, you
have been throwing the Harpoon at
me because I talk like George NJ.
COhan instead of George the Fifth.
Up to the time that our Honeymoon
evaporated and you began to give
me a Line on my spectacular In
feriority, | labored under the pleas
ant Delusion that I was one of Ma
lures Noblemen. And now because
| use the only kind of Talk which
can be understood by the Dubs with
whom | am compelled to associate,
you are trying to make 1t out that
l am a flat-headed Moron. I don't
know just what a Moron Is but
whatever it Is, that's me. Now that
| have got rid Of my Burglar Tools
and am trying to go Straight and
want to keep away from the Old
Life, why does the dear little Help
mate refuse to lend a Helping
Hand? Remember, that no matter
how long a man may have been talk
ing Loose Talk, he may be down but
he's never out.
''At this juncture when you should
be singing Rescue the Perishing,'
and getting ready to heave me the
Life Line you are sitting there with
a Dirty Look in your Eye, regard
ing me as If I were a loathsome
Reptile instead Of dandy little Eel
low with Heart of Gold"
Il don't remember the exact
Wording of our Nuptial Agreement"
said Mrs. rockingham, "but l ann
sure there is nothing in the Contract
| to the Effect that l would be ex-
pected to live In a Nut College.
When you are at your Top Form,
Alonzo, you are no Leon Enrol and
just at present you are as excru
| ciatlng as a Hearse with Plumes on
! It, The only way I can fit into the
Picture with you is to wear Black
the Year round. When it comes to
asasssinating Mirth you have GER
talnly got many a Notch on your
! Gun"
Alonzo began to suspect that his
attempt to duplicate the banner
performances of Thomas Darlington
Macaulay, Joseph Addison and Wal
ter Pater had gone blooey and
Blah.
He had started out to qualify for
the Intelligentsia and had landed
back in the Ash-Heap.
1t became evident that he was
not Rhetorician, but Rube. So
he gave notice that in the Future
he would confine himself to Words
of one Syllable.
MAKE them as Few as possible"
said Mehitabel. unless you want
to break your Plate and get the
Air"
MORAL: There never was a
House big enough for two High
BrOws.