The Coolidge examiner., 1933-03-03
The Fable of the
Cross Word for
Every Hour
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By GEORGE ADE
By GEORGE ADE
g. Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.

g. Bell syndicate.-wNU Service.
NNCE there was man named
I Alfred Cumback who thought
that he had a Patent Right
on Physical Pain, Nervous Tension
and all other forms of Agony. Up
to the time that he began to feel
Rocky there never had been any
genuine deep-seated Suffering on
the part of any Member of the HUI
man Family.
Whenever he was burning low
and the whole Universe was heavily
festooned with Grape and the only
Flowers blooming were the Lilies
used at first class Funerals, and no
Birds sang except the Hoot-Owl
and the Whip-poor-Will, it was then
that Mr. Cumback found his only
Relief in cussing audibly and max
ing dreadfully sarcastic Remarks
to the Imbeciles who were deliber-
ately intent upon driving him TO
the Foolish House.
The only Joy that he could ex-
tract from a drab Existence was
that of toasting, panning, bawllng
out and harpooning those who got
his goat and stuck pins into his
Inmost Soul. The average Ameri-
can is long-suffering and doesn't at
all object to being kicked thirty or
forty Times in the same Place, but
not so with Mr.. Cumback. He held
to the Theory that il was the Duty
Of every public-spirited Citizen to
fight increasingly for all of the
Rights guaranteed by the Constitu-
ton before 1t was patched up. In
other words, not TO let Anybody get
away with Anything.
In way he was a Reformer. He
believed that many Of the Abuses
which have grown up In this So
called Paradise known as the U. S.
A.. could be blamed upon the spine
less and unresisting Common Peo-
pie who were, as you might say,
hollow below the Ribs. Mr.. Cum
back probably understood that he
could not right all the Wrongs
while he. had no Assists from the
other Players, but he had the Glori-
Gus Satisfaction of knowing that he
put up a Battle when anyone tried
to Sew Buttons on him. He prob
ably couldn't make honest-to-good-
ness Men and Women out OF Whip
pets and Snoofs but he got his only
pleasant Thrills out of giving them
the Medicine they needed, viz, the
old and brutal Truth.
Two Prominent Clubmen at Work.
For instance, he was the only
Person who had the sublime Cour-
age TO hop onto the Greek God with
the Square Shoulders and gummy
Hair who had consented to act as
salesman In a Haberdashery. pend
ing his Marriage to some well known
Heiress. This He-Sparrow was meat
for Mr.. Cumback. He had observed
that when a would-be Customer
walks into a Gents Furnishing Es-
tablishment to Pajama himself or
lay In a new flock of Studs, usually
he is compelled to wait until the
two prominent Clubmen behind the
Showcase get through discussing
some urgent Scandal which is agi-
tating their Set. Mr.. Cumback had
vowed that they would never stand
him up, like an old Umbrella, with
out getting few Keepsakes in re-
turn.
He never interrupted Cuthbert
and Llewellyn while they were at
it, but after they had concluded, and
one of them came to Mr.. Cumback
and asked. as he lifted the Eye
brow. "Yes. what is it," that was
when the molten Lava began to
flow.
Mr.. Cumback, like the Cat which
plays with the Mouse before break
ing all Of the Bones, always began
in a very suave manner.
Before introducing any sordid
Business Topics into Morning
which seems more or less devoted
to Social Intercourse, | should like
TO ask Question, If / am not pre-
suming," he would say. May ask
the Question:"
Certainly" the Salesman would
reply, wondering what new kind
of Cuckoo had come in from the
Street to avoid the Crowds.
81 should like to know If, when
you are discussing your Private AZ
fairs with some other Man About
Town. it annoys you or disturbs
your Temperament to have some
Outsider come in and want to buy
Goods? You see. Geoffrey, l want
to be considerate. | would rather
cut off my Right Hand than rudely
interrupt a male Tete-a-Tete which
does not concern me. I can. If nec-
essary, do my ordering by Mail.
Certainly / don't wish to infllct my
rude Presence upon a scene with
which ] do not, as you might say,
harmonize."
1t would have meant just as much
to the Listener if Mr.. Cumback had
recited the Greek Alphabet. He