Montana labor news., 1932-07-28
TIMELY AND UNT|MELY OBSERVATIONS
(By ADAM ~COALDIGGER.)

Wy am" LDiHu |
THE CAUSE NM CURE OF JIGGERWHATS
"The ideal way of selling jggerwhats," often remarked Mr.. Heinrich
Dullnoodle, the famous manufacturer of juggerwhat, "s to trn them out
so cheap that everybody cal afford one"
In the pursuit of this ideal, Mr.. Dulnoode had
Fhst-Cut wages of his employees to the bone;
Second-Scrapped the bones;
Third-Diyided their daily stint into a multiplicity of jerks, spurts.
and spasms;
Fourth-Increased the spread of the jerks, spurts and spasms to the
limit of human endurance; and
Finally Installed the automatic chain jiggerwhatmaker which turned
out iiggerwhats without the intervention of human hands. and wound
itself up before turning in for the night.
Due to these economics, eliminations, dspacements, customariy summed
up IS chronological progress, the production cost of jggerwhats had
steadily declined in the direction of Mr.. Dulnoodles ideal, and conse-
quently should have resulted n a marked increase in the sales of Dulnoode
jiggrwhats. But alas, DulnoOdle iggerwhats were not moving nearly
as rapidly as Mr.. Dulnoodle had anticipated. In fact, they were moving
so slowly that Mr.. Durnoodle had been compelled Ito close down his factory.
At first Mr. DullnOodle attributed the cause to increasing competition
for it goes without saying that all the leading jggerwhat manufacturers
of the country had followed Mr.. Dulnoodles lead n the matter of produc-
siy, there were only 50 many households in the country, whereas the out
put of the automatic Hggerwhat machine was practically unlimited. "Nev-
ertheless," reasoned Mr.. Dulnoodle, "f can find a way by which can
increase the sales of my jggerwhats at the expense of my competitors,
I will sell more jggerwhats than they"-which a good logic as far a
The intensive, extensive and expensive advertising campaign launched
by Mr.. DuInoodIe still fingers lovingly and longingy in the heart of the
advertising word. Soon signboards blazoned forth legends and devices,
such as
HAVE YOU A LITTLE nGGERwHAT IN YOUR HoME'
NONE GENUINE UNLESS SIGNED
DULLN0oDLE
DULLNooDLE JIGGERwHATs ARE GOOD JGGERwHATs. WHAT?
I LIKE DULLNooDLE uGGERWHATs BECAUSE THEY DON'T
BITE NE.
This one a accompanied by the portrait of a gorgeousy atred lady
mounted n a gray charger in the act Of jumping al English holly hedge
My hands are so soft and vekety, dear, because my maids
Use only DulnoodIe Jggerwhats-
testified by voluptuous young woman in partpiece bathing suit, leaning
langubhngy against sunbuned shoulder of athletic Adonis adorned in rae
ing Oar and XII XII N Pie pin, the skyline of Palm Beach family showing
in the background,
you MEDIA uGGERwHArr
urged by ravshng debutante coming out of her stepIns OIL the Furnished
deck of white enamehd pleasure yacht passing palmfringed island dis
playing sixteensheet poster inscribed "Dunnoode"
The disputes over the failure of Mr. Dulnoodes intensive and expensive
advertising campaign are still raging IN advertising circles. Some auth@-
ties claim it was due to the fact that his principal competitor, Dumfooze,
Iner and Gray Matter, Limited, had paaered the sgnboards with sales talk
containing still greater seq appeal. Others maintained that the arms legs,
breasts and other anatomical outcroppng, SO anurfngly portrayed on the
bill sign took peoples minds off of jiggerwhats. Still others advance
the novel theory that the jiggerwhat-makers displaced by the automatic
chain jggerwhat machines were n 10 longer able to buy jggerwhats, a.
was also the case with the people who had formerly supplied the human
Jiggerwhat-makers with goods and services or lived off Of them under
some other pretense.
But wherever the truth may lie, the fact is that after people had toasted
their eyes in the outdoor art galleries of Mr. DuInOOdle, DumfoOze, Inc,
and Gray Matter, Limited, they went home and said: "Wd boy, you re a
mighty sorry looking jggerwhat, but you'll have to do another year" and
there started such repairing rejuvenaiOn, rehabilitation and refining of
used jggerwhats that the sale o new jggerwhats eventually joined the
category of sweet memories.
With the acumen of the born executive it took Mr.. DurnoOdle only a
few years to convince himself that there was some subtle connection be-
tween the immortality of jiggerwhats and the insolvency Of prospective
Iggerwhat buyers The i'd behind the Jggerwhat Sales Stimulating
Finance Corporation, that followed was simplicity itself.
IF people had money" said Nh. Dunnoode, "they would purchase new
jggerwhats. Therefore, let's give them money. However, if we give to a
prospective jggerwhat buyers all the money required to purchase a igger-
what, that would be the same IS swapping our own jiggerwhats for our
own money ad there IS no money IN swapping or W Jggerwhas for
u own mOney-consequently, let US loan o a jiggerwhat buyer only the
first payment and then make III profit out of the subsequent payments,
payments"
mere is 10 douDt mat the JggerWhat Sales Stmulator Finance Cor
poration would have been a bowling success if jiggerwhat purchasers
had been able to borrow the cash for the subsequent payments from other
sources, giving their jggerwhats as security. But IS Mr.. Dulnoode prop
eHy retained ownership of the jggerwhats until fully paid, the plan re-
suited merely in an accumulation of an alarmngy large number Of re-
possessed jiggerwhats
The latest emanaton from Mr. Dulnoddes brain is the back tot eback-
lot movement. Realizing the futHiy of selling iggerwhats to unemployed
jggerwhat makers and persons depending OF them, he advised these people
to borrow back lots from poor but deserving landlords O which to raise
dill pickles to be used in the purchase of jggerwhats.
1t is too early to predict the fate of this noble experiment, but az the
professional dill pickle raisers already complain that they can't buy igger-
what's a account of having too many dill pickles with which to buy them,
the outcome is somewhat probematcal.
According to Washington dispatches, the government of Nh. Dulnoodt,
alarmed by the temporary depression in the nggerwhat industry that
started some three years ago, is now taking energetic measures to relieve
the situation. The plan is to purge all government departments of dis
pensable jggerwhat buyers, wo it is hoped in informed circles, will
augment the growing army of dill pickle raises and thus be transformed
into prospective jggerwhat buyers-provded always a way is discovered of
Transforming too many dill pickles into enough purchasing power to absorb
the existing and contemplated ovrsupply of jggerwhats.