The Republican. [volume] (Oakland, Md.) 1877-current, 1932-02-25
By Scoop Himself

Where is my fan mail this week?
My one weeks receipts spoiled me so
much that l expected to be swamped
every day. But the bombardment
has quoted down and now I'll either
have to write this without thinking
las usuaD or eat little more brain
food. Since some of the doctors have
discovered that little fishes are not
brain food, it is going to be hard on
Archibaldson and me to keep up with
the common people. By eating lot
of filet de sole we kept fooling our
selves into believing that we were in
creasing our brain. Well, maybe we
are in size, but 1 guess not in power.
&A%
Every day in every way, more peo-
pie are becoming window conscious,
and are casting both shy and bold
glances at Lizzie fish and me, perched
on stool and in front of the type
writer in our Office. We are quite
well, thank you, and how are your
folks?
Ever since Mrs. Archibaldson has
put son Bobbie in my bed to sleep he's
getting all of it, because I haven't
had any, and since it now looks like
permanent arrangement, I have
been trying to find cure for snoritis
and teethgrititis, or lose my mind.
(You are probably thinking that al
ready reached that stage years ago,
but 1 assure you that the mind is
still there. 1t just lacks something
in it.)
Every night at $50 California
time) when I get ready for slumber
he is the most quiet and peace
full sleeper one could imagine, but
just let me even get one foot in the
bed and he is over on his back and
rarin' with both diseases, sometimes
both together, and sometimes, for di-
version, singly.
In desperate need of advice I
brought the question up before the
meeting of the Amalgamated Society
for the Prevention of Work, whose
members continuously study how to
get more sleep. Knowing as I do the
success which they achieve with them
selves, I entreated for sure-fire rem
edy.
Doc Clarke, a new member of the
Amalgamates, said tickling his wife's
feet with turkey feather produced
the desired result, but this would
never do for Bobbie, because of the
dreadful tradition that tickling of the
feet causes one to stutter.
Slim Shaw offered an electrical de-
vice that would cause bright light
to be turned on right before his eyes
the minute he started to snore, the
bright light causes his eyelids to
flutter, thereby awakening him. He
said he used this successfully at home.
Ed Kahl presented figure four box
trap idea. The rumble from the snore
would scare cat which would be tied
near the bed and he would pull the
figure four, thus bringing down
2x4 on the snorer's head. Ed claimed
this was a permanent cure.
Prof. Bittle suggested a hood with
nose attachment so adjusted that the
hose would hang out the bedroom win
dow, thus waiting the musical notes
over to the homes of Walter Har-
desty, Bet Dawson and Rev. Shilke.
Neil Cusser Fraley said the simple
remedy of stuffing the corner of a
sheet in the offenders mouth succeed
ed for a time, but to obtain lasting
silence it was necessary for the party
of the first part to remain awake all
night. 81 speak from experience"
he said, with feeling.
Doc Grant said he had heard grind
ing teeth all his life and that it didn't
worry him, but was open to sugges-
tions for snore cure.
Wade Hinebaugh, Frank Rathbun,
Jim Kerins, Emroy Bolden, Ikey Sin
cell, Andalusia, Bill Frazee, Pop Ham,
mond, other members of the club, lis
tened intently to the discourse. They
had tried all other remedies and they
had failed, they said, and were de-
lighted with any new suggestions, all
of which they agreed to try out i'm
mediately.
I am still undecided. Suggestions
would be gladly received in care of
Scoop.
I got in late for dinner at the Boss
Editors house the other night and
| from some big chickens the only parts