The Coolidge examiner., 1932-11-18

he ever appeared at the Gates of
Heaven in the Masquerade Costume
there is Question as to whether
or not Saint Peter would have iden-
tilted him from the Description
which had been received in Ad-
vance.
Quite a Question arose as to
where the Funeral Services would
be held. 1t would be necessary to
have Preacher and 1t was custom
ary to break into a Church. 1t just
happened that Link had not attend
ed Church for something like a mat
ter Of 2S Years and he had no Sec
tartan Affiliations that anyone re-
membered, but his Wife happened
to think that one of his Aunts had
been a Methodist, so they fixed it
up and had the Methodist come
over and he looked at the Remains
and secured a few Data from the
Bereaved Helpmate and by the time
he got through Link was almost a
Methodist In Good Standing.
The Pastor and the Undertaken
told the Widow that 1t was custom
ary, If you wanted to have a real
Swell Funeral, to have some sing
ing and that a good Soprano who
was guaranteed to usher the De-
parting Soul right into the Blissful
Beyond would bring about so Dol
lars.
Links Wife said that nothing was
too good for Him so they hired a
near-opera Singer and she did three
Obligatos at the church, her Idea
evidently being to let them know
in the World Beyond that Link was
on his way. because she certainly
was Loud. Fortunately Link could
not hear and did not know what it
cost, so everything was all right.
Roping In the Relatives.
1t seems that the Importance of
a Funeral nowadays is gauged by
the Number Of Motor Cars which
follow the Motor Hearse out to the
Cemetery. All you have to do to
get a Motor Hearse is to buy 1t and
use it once and then give 1t back.
Links wife wanted the Funeral
to be a Real Success 80 she engaged
all of the Automobiles from three
Garages and had them lined up in
front Of the Church, so that all of
the Mourners could get Free Ride
out to the Cemetery, with the result
that a great many People who never
had heard of Link rode out and
stood beside the Open Grave and
cried like Children.
We must not overlook the fact
that Death Notices had been insert
ed in all OF the Newspapers nearby,
and that Mrs. Link had sent for
Links Brother. who lived five hun
dred miles away and had paid his
Railroad Fare and had bought
new Suit of Clothes so that they
would let him enter the Church. All
of this helped to whoop the Expense
Account, but there is one time
when a Sentimental Woman will not
balk at Expenses, and that is when
she Is planting the Beloved.
II certainly was a most successful
Funeral. Links wife sent Flowers
In her own name and in the Names
of all Of the Relatives who were
not present. Link looked simply won
derful in his ballroom Costume and
the Preacher talked about him un-
til almost anybody could believe
that Link amounted TO something
and the Soprano did herself proud
and the Parade was about four
blocks long and the Assembly out
at the Cemetery looked like a Mass
Meeting.
After it was all over the Widow
held a Consultation with the Chill
dren and checked up on the Family
Budget. They had no Assets in
sight, but there were quite a num-
ber of Bills.
The Widow said by way of Ex-
planation. ut looks as though we
would be broke for the next twenty
years, but you must admit that we
gave Papa quite a Send-Off."
MORAL-If people are overlook
ing you, die.