The Coolidge examiner., 1932-10-28
Fable of the
Charley Horse
e
By GEORGE ADE
(G. Ben syndIcate. l-WNU servlce.

Y Agent named WarDurton j.
Timmons who often boasted
to his Wife and the Stenographer
and his Business Partner and
Strangers encountered in the IN
derwear Department of a Pullman
Car that he didn't know he had a
Stomach. Such gross ignorance
would not seem to call for Brag-
ging, but Mr.. Timmons attached tre-
mendous IMPORTANCE to the Fact
that so far as Gastritis, Heart
Burn and Dyspepsia were con
cerned he didn't have any more In
terror Complications than a Bass
Drum. SO. when he saw some less
Fortunate Mortal stirring up Bi-
Carb or munching Pepsin Tablets.
he would grin at the Sufferer in a
perfectly unbearable Manner and
pull the Favorite Speech: well,
Sir, take II Year in and Year out,
III be switched If | know I've got
a Stomach"
Warburton was one of those who
could eat Anything and did All
kinds of rich and gummy Pastry
were simply vitamin A to him. He
deliberately and in Spirit of
Bravado attacked all of the dan
gerous Combinations which might
properly be engraved on so many
Headstones. Meaning as for In
stance:
Grabbing Credit for 1t.
Exhibit A-Broiled Lobster, fol-
lowed by Cucumber Salad. Tutti
Fruitti Ice Cream and Angel Food.
Exhibit B-Pork Chops. Hot Bis
cults, Potatoes Au Gratin and APP
pie Dumplings.
Exhibit C-Welsh Rarebit with In
dian Pudding and Hard Sauce.
And so on. Then, when the ad-
miring Spectators would tell him
what a Four-Time Wonder he was.
that would be his Cue to explain
that, as Matter of Fact, he didn't
know he had n Stomach.
Because he was First Cousin to
an Ostrich and had all of the Ali
mentary Immunities of a Goat, Mr..
Timmons assumed n Moral Grand
eur which did not fit in with his
Personal Appearance or his Social
Rating. Naturally. he was hated
by all Cripples. Hypochondriacs
and Neurasthenics. for the Reason
that he tried to make them feel that
he was King on n Throne while
they were a lot of Insects crawling
in the Gravel.
Along with the Virtues of the non
existent Stomach be advertised to
the World the startling News that
his General Health was so robust
that several Doctors had starved
to Death on his Account. To quote
his own original Way of putting 1t /:
Il haven't had an Ache or n Pain
since | don't know when"
Warburton J. Timmons went on
for Years and Years leading a be-
numbed and painless Existence, the
same as a Crocodile, and then he
got what Is coming, under the
Terms Of the Contract, to every Per-
son who makes Moral Attributes of
certain Bovine characteristics.
One Day he played Golf in the
Rain and refused to change his
Clothes or take Hot Foot-Bath be-
cause he said he was tougher than
Whale-Bone and a little Cold Wa
ter wouldn't hurt Him because he
took It, every morning. just the way
1t came out of the Pipes. One of
those Birds. What will they do
when they eventually get to Place
where all the Water is hot?
Joy In Clarksburg.
1t all happened next Morning. Mr..
Timmons started to roll out of his
Couch, In his usual bounding and
gymnastic Manner. when some one
stuck a red-hot Corkscrew into his
Right Hip and turned it around
twice. He let out a Zip and fell
back in the Covers. a very sur
prised and grieved Person. He lay
there moaning but still refusing to
admit that the Laws of Nature.
which penalized everyone else.
could possibly take a Mean Advan-
tage Of Warburton ]. Timmons.
1t now becomes necessary to ask
certain questions regarding the
Town Of Clarksburg. of which Mr..
Timmons was one of the main Or
naments. Why was it. that on a
Certain Morning, all of the Birds in
the Trees chirruped more gayly?
Why did the Tots on their way to
School emit Peal after Peal of sill
very Laughter? Why did the Troll
ley Conductors sound their Gongs
with unusual Vigor and all of the
Merchants in the Business District
attack the Day with extraordinary
Cheerfulness? The Answer to all of
the Foregoing is that on this par
ticular Morning the whole World
was frightened by the Spectacle of
Warburton J. Timmons limping to
his office-with the Assistance of q