The Coolidge examiner., 1932-09-09

ed to buy his stock, but he refused
TO sell because he loved his Sleep
and was not going to sit up all night
counting Coarse Money.
He put it into the Vault for Safe
Keeping and had unlimited Credit,
so he bought large House and de-
cided that he would go out for the
Worlds Record for Ham and Eggs.
OF course, the Story of his spec
tacular Strike and his sudden Rise
from abject Poverty to sinful Wealth
was simply Pie and Preserves for
the Newspapers. They made it ap-
pear that he had been starving to
Death, whereas it is not on Record
that any Tramp ever died of Starva-
tion. Also they said that he was
now a Millionaire, and they printed
Before and After Pictures, showing
him first in Tatters and then COW
cred with sparkling Diamonds.
Enter-the Forgiving Relatives.
Bill enjoyed the Experience of be-
ing a Hero and friendly with the
Chief Of Police for just One Day,
and then they began to pile in on
him. Meaning, of course, the Rela-
tives. They had driven him out
into the Snow and put the Presbyte-
rian Curse on him, but as soon as
they heard that he had connected
with a Carload of Kale each of
them felt himself engulfed by a
great wave Of Pity for the Prodigal,
and decided to let By-Gones be By
Cones.
Uncle Otis was the first to show
up. He was a hard-faced Deacon
from the Hill Country, and it was
his Idea to take entire Charge of
Bills Bank Roll and protect him
from the Sharks and Sharpers. In
other Words, Uncle Ote was plan
ming to keep the Money in the Fam
lily. Bill was a rotten Business Man,
but he had Gumption enough to
size up Uncle as the kind of
Pal who takes whatever you have,
in order to keep you from spend
ing it.
The next to register was the un-
married Sister who wore fiat Shoes
and did not believe in bobbing the
Hair. She came on to keep House
for Bill and shield him from Evil
Associates. By the time she unload
ed her package of Gloom, Bill was
ready to weaken on the job. He had
all the Spending Money in the World
and was set for a Jubilee, but the
Town was so Moral that he could
not find any Evil Associates.
Along came Cousin Jarvis who
wanted to have private Chat re-
garding the Mortgage on his Farm
and a Loan which would enable him
gagged later on.
Next day there appeared two
bright-faced, CHEEKY Lads with
gummy Hair and Sarazen Sweaters
who treated their Uncle William al
most as an equal. They had just es-
capped from High School and knew
how to Dance and did not feel like
going to work at the Implement Fac
tory. so they wondered If their rich
Relative wouldn't like to send the
two of them through Yale. Bill
suggested making it either Oxford
or Cambridge, and then they
wouldn't come home for the Short
Vacations.
Bill could not place the Married
Couple from Iowa, but they charted
the family Tree and he learned that
the Woman had been legally adopt
ed by Ezra HOrnbaker, who was a
Second Cousin by Marriage. All
they wanted was enough for an Or
ange Grove and Bungalow at Riv-
erside, Calf.
Just one week after it happened
all the Beds in the Big House were
occupied and that was the Night
during which Bill did his first real
Labor in years. He put in several
Hours dropping heavy Slugs of
Lead down the Main Pipe Of the
Bally Hoo Oil Well. In the morn
ing the Flow had ceased. The
Stock was quoted at Nothing Flat.
All you could see, looking in any
direction, was Relatives going to
Trains. Bill took off his White
Shirt and escaped through the
Alley.
Just couple of Days later he was
entering the Town of Wintergreen
when he saw a Printed Card lying
in the Road. He was about to pick
it up and then he remembered and
desisted. He was afraid it might
be a Lottery Ticket.
MORAL: Don't you think they
don't think of you just because they
don't write.
Night Photography Not
Alone Valuable in War