The Coolidge examiner., 1932-09-23
Fable of Revising
and Reforming
Football
g
By GEORGE ADE
(0. Bell syndicate.)-wNU Service.

TT CAME about that many Col
leges awoke to Life in the Fall
and loud Yelps echoed up and
down the leafy streets which
had been somnolent since June. Lo-
cal Cops began to wear worried
Looks. The dealer in Hot Dogs
bought a new set of Tires for his
SmokeWagon. Every College wild
ow put away her light Summer
Reading and started in to take Set
ting-Up Exercises in Prospect of an
other long Season of clinching and
wrassling In the Modern Dances.
Within the cloistered Precincts Of
DOolittle College, which is on the
Shores Of Lake Pasquaby, the Mem
bers Of the Faculty were anXiously
scanning the Registration and won
dering If all the Good Friends Of
the School were in Health or wheth-
er one or two might pop off and
leave enough Coin to build a new
Physics Lab and an Assembly Hall.
At the very same time nearly all
of the Young Men were out at the
Practice. Most of them were hag-
gard with Anxiety and the Brows
were furrowed like Wash Boards
They were sizing up the Onions,
hoping to discover among them an
embryo RED" Grange. All of them
were extremely embryo but not one
Of them looked as If he could take
the Ball in any Direction except by
General Agreement. SO they cursed
the Alumni for not digging up and
sending in lot OF Giants who lived
on Red Meat and growled like Po-
lice Dogs.
Doollttle had been getting along
for Years on half-portions of Hope.
Every September few vagrant Ex-
pectations would spring up in the
Hearts of the Faithful and II would
be announced that the Eleven was
getting ready TO massacre the Nor
NAL School and Patchmore Business
College, to say nothing of the State
University. Before Thanksgiving the
Hospital would be full of bunged-up
Warriors, nursing fractured Limbs
and pitiful Alibis.
Where There is Life There Is Hope.
Doolittle was too proud to play
High Schools and too puny to stop
Truck Horses who played in the
Conference and that is why the
Trustees and Others often had de-
bated as to the Wisdom OF doing
away with Intercollegiate Sports al
together and permitting the Student
Body to individually acquire Cour-
age and Strength by going into the
Woods to hunt Botanical Specimens.
DoOlittle was sure In a Bad Way
when IL began to talk about quit
ting Cold on Football. Nobody ever
heard of an Institution getting ready
to cut out Athletics until after II
had been booted all over the Lot
and then heaved over the Fence.
Those who say they are going to
stop playing Football. have not, as
you might say. played it. They have
figured as Punching Bags, and this
Thing of being kicked in the Face
for the Glory OF Alma Mater while
all the Rooters are weeping, is one
Job which can get to be awful te-
dious.
Notwithstanding which the Grads
and the Kids alike were for hang
ing on. They figured that some Day
Miracle might happen and the
Heavens would open, dropping down
on the Campus an End who would
kick the Egg Mile, and two Halves
who were good for Ten Seconds in
their Suits, and two Ends who were
always on Top of the Ball instead
Of looking in the Opposite Direc-
ton, and Line which would be
Stone Wall instead OF a Strip Of
Tissue Paper.
The whole Layout didn't look
any too Jake early this September
when the Squad lined up. To add
to the Horror Of the Situation, on
that very day it was suggested to
the Faculty by Prof. Philip Guthrie,
of the Department of Umpscicology,
that certain Local Rules should be
enforced, so as to rob the Sport of
all Roughness, Bloodshed and AS
sault with Intent to Murder.
The Suggestions embodied in the
Resolution presented by Prof. Guth-
rie are given in Detail herewith as
they are to be submitted to the In
tercollegiate Association next Sum-
mer with a very powerful Backing
from the Pacifist Element.
Nursery Football.
The first of the Guthrie Rules is
that no Student shall be permitted
to play on the Team unless he has
studied so hard that he will be too
weak to hurt any one Also, each