Montgomery County sentinel. [volume] (Rockville, Md.) 1855-1974, 1932-10-21
Fable Of Revising
and Reforming
Football
g
By GEORGE AIDE
q, Esn syndicats,l-wNu Service.

iNAiy. StlCCtS Which, uhN UCCn cOlu'
nolent since June. Local Cops began
to wear worried Looks. The dealer in
Hot Dogs bought a new set of Tires
for his Smoke-Wagon. Every College
widow put away her light Summer
Reading and started in to take Set
ting-Up Exercises in Prospect of an
other long Season Of clinching and
wrassling in the Modern Dances.
Within the cloistered Precincts Of
DooHttle College. which 10 on the
Shores Of Lake Pasquaby, the Mem
bers Of the Faculty were anxiously
scanning the Registration and won.
dering II all the Good Friends of the
School were in Health or whether one
or two might pop off and leave enough
Coin to build new Physics Lab and
an Assembly Hall.
At the very same time nearly all Of
the Young Men were out at the Prac-
tice. Most of them were haggard
with Anxiety and the Brows were fur
rowed like Wash Boards. They were
sizing up the Onions, hoping to dis
cover among them an embryo RED"
Grange All Of them we're extremely en-
bryo but not one Of them looked as
If he could take the Ball in any d.
rection except by General Agreement.
So they cursed the Alumni for not dig
ping up and sending in lot Of Giants
who lived on Red Meat and growled
like Police Dogs.
Doolittle had been getting along for
Years on half-portions of Hope. Every
September few vagrant Expectations
would spring up in the Hearts Of the
Faithful and it would be announced
that the Eleven was getting ready to
massacre the Normal School and
PATCHWORK Business College, to say
nothing of the State University. Be-
fore Thanksgiving the Hospital would
be full Of bunged-up Warriors, nursing
fractured Limbs and pitiful Alibis.
Where There ls Life There 10 Hope.
Doolittle was too proud to play High
Schools and too puny to stop Truck
Horses who played in the Conference
and that is why the Trustees and
Others often had debated as to the
Wisdom Of doing away with Intercol-
legiate Sports altogether and permit
ting the Student Body to individually
acquire Courage and Strength by 60
ing into the Woods to hunt Botanical
Specimens.
DOolittle was sure in a Bad Way
when it began to talk about quitting
Cold on Football. Nobody ever heard of
an Institution getting ready TO cut out
Athletics until after it had been boot
ed all over the Lot and then heaved
over the Fence. Those who say they
are going to stop playing Football
have not. as you might say, played II.
They have figured as Punching Bags,
and this Thing of being kicked in the
Face for the Glory of Alma Mater
while all the Rooters are weeping. is
one Job which can get to be awful te-
dious.
Notwithstanding which the Grads
and the Kids alike were for hanging
on. They figured that some Day
Miracle might happen and the Heav-
ems would open, dropping down on
the Campus an End who would kick
the Egg a Mile, and two Halves who
were good for Ten Seconds in their
Suits, and two Ends who were always
on Top of the Ball instead Of looking
in the Opposite Direction, and Line
which would be a Stone Wall instead
Of Strip of Tissue Paper.
The whole Layout didn't look any
too Jake early this September when
the Squad lined up. To add to the
Horror of the Situation, on that very
day 1t was suggested to the Faculty
by Prof. Philo Guthrie. of the Depart
ment of Umpscicology, that certain Lo-
cal Rules should be enforced, so as to
rob the Sport Of all Roughness, Blood
shed and Assault with Intent to Muir.
der.
The Suggestions embodied in the Res
olution presented by Prof. Guthrie
are given in Detail herewith as they
are to be submitted to the Intercol-
legiate Association next Summer with
a very powerful Backing from the
Paciist Element.
Nursery Football.
The first of the Guthrie Rules is
that no Student shall be permitted to
play on the Team unless he has stud
led so hard that he will be too weak
to hurt any one. Also, each Contest
ant is required to wear his HOrn-Rim
Glasses. because, in nearly every
State, 1t is a double Offense to soak a
man wearing Spectacles. If the Mem
bers of the Opposing Team adopt Bru-
tai Tactics they can be arrested by
Constables and taken before a Justice
of the Peace and, while they are alb
sent, the Home Team can score at
win and Put the Game on Ice.
To avoid all the scrambling and pill
ing up, which so often results in
Bruises and Injuries. il Is proposed by
Dr. Guthrie that. ut the Opening of
Play, the Umpire shall think of
Number between and 20 and each of
he Captains shall guess at the Mum.
her and the one who makes the better
Guess shall be permitted TO move the
BAN 10 Yards into the Opposing Ter
ritory and carefully place 1t on the