davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
THE HA HA DIVISION

For years and years a certain old
party harried and hampered me in
my work for all he was worth, and he
was worth millions. Every time I en-
deavored to soothe the anxieties of
our readers about wet feet and pass
ing zephyrs, which was often, this
SNUG mentor did his darndest to null
lily the effect of my teaching. I can
tell you folks who have wondered why
am so sarcastic that this incubus
I've been carrying on my back all
these years has had good deal to
do with it.
Well. I've gained a reprieve at last.
The old boy is not dead, you under
stand, but out. I'm as free today to
tell the world it doesn't matter
whether you scrub your tonsils as I
was before this old curmudgeon ever
rested his icteric eye on my copy
Which is none too free, but what I
mean not egregiously trammeled.
AS a fitting celebration of this lib
Grafton I have decided to open a new
department or division of this service
1t will be remembered by many of our
readers and 1t must be remembered by
as many others, that this is not a
clinic. not a racket for marketing
mail-order medical or near-medical
advice. This is strictly a HEALTH
service, and our first concern is teach
ing our readers how to KEEP WELL.
If they fail to hear and heed the
teachings and warnings given here,
then we hope they will have learned
enough from this column to consult
physician about their complaints or
call one in to take care of them. Ger
tainly our usefulness to readers is Sec
ondary, even if we can be helpful at
all, after they've Haunted our advice
and taken i'll.
The new department will be called
either the Ha Ha Division or the Haw
Haw Corner. Which name do you
think more appropriate? Somehow
Ha Ha has slightly unpleasant ring.
HaW Haw seems heartier and more
honest. But. we'd like to know what
our readers think about it-both kinds
of readers, that is, the more intelli-
gent and hence healthier as well as
the dumb and usually ailing kind.
You see, we are not osteoblastic; in
deed we make no bones of it at all,
and that's precisely the attitude We
like our friends to take.
For today's Haw Haw Corner, for
example, this clipping from an east
ern paper will suffice:
Puzzling Colds Grip Country
Continued From Page
the extraordinary absences, over the
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
Nep0tism and Worse
(The Pathfinder)

1t decent help the troubled Ameri-
can mind to discover that the very
men it depends on to bring it back to
the composure of normally are set
ting poor example in petty and d.
verse ways. For one thing, more than
100 members of congress are revealed
to be carrying relatives on their Of
flee pay rolls. That they were afraid
OF public criticism is evinced by the
way house members kept the extent
OF their nepotisn secret for so long.
The worst feature Is that some Of
their so-called clerks and office work.
ers confine their work to signing the
government pay voucher. Another bad
angle Is that even our political "lead-
ers" are not exempt from the general
practice. Couple to this the fact that
congress votes the widows Of departed
members. irrespective Of personal for
tune, bonus Of &c. 900, besides SPEND
ing $4,000 Of the public's money to
bury some Of these notables, pays
families Of deceased congressional Sec
retaries halt years pay, appropriates
Is for guides fee" for fishing and
hunting members, $50 for refresh
ments" and so cents for q "corkscrew"
for official mourners. and-well, is 1t
any wonder that congress Is coming
in for an unusual amount Of popular
censure?
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS
MONOGRAPH on Croup

Recently you said you seldom have
any inquiry about old-fashioned Group.
We want to correct that oversight. No
less than five families right in our
neighborhood have children who are
subject to fashioned Group. Have
you any advice to offer about its man
agement?-(Mrs. A. w. F)
Answer-YeS, have monograph
on the subject, which am glad to
mail to any reader who asks for it
and incloses stamped envelope bear
ing his address. Group is compare
lively rare today mean compared
with 20 years ago. That, believe, is
due to the vanishing fear of fresh air.
Starchy Foods Are Most Heaathful
Please send me lists of acid foods
and starchy foods-(M. Ed
AnSwer-I can conceive no use for
such lists. All acid fruits and starchy
foods are healthful. Perhaps you are
under the spell of some food charla-
tan or diet humbug.
Brady Baby Book
Two weeks ago I sent a stamped
envelope and asked for a copy of the
Brady Baby Book, and have had no
reply Mrs. M. F)
Answer-Perhaps you gave an in
correct address, as you do now. City
is not a correct address. Inclose a
properly addressed stamped envelope
and 10 cents in coin, and ask for the
Brady Baby Book. Spell the name of
your city out as the letters are for
warded to me.
Copyright, John F. Ollie Coz
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
Won Papen: 1918 and 1892


Nothing shows more clearly how
he passions Of wartime have died
own than the way in which the
american public has received the
lews that Colonel Franz Won Papen
las been called to the helm of the
German republic.
In 1917 and 1918 this Won Papen
vas one Of the nations favorite hates.
rs military attache at the German
ambassy in Washington, prior to
Americas entrance into the war. he
lad been a little bit more active for
he F'atherland than a diplomat In q
Neutral land is supposed to be. and
President Wilson demanded, and got.
lis recall. And for long time after
hat no good American could speak
IT him without denouncing him.
But things have changed, somehow.
Called to help save Germany from
Hitlerism. he enjoys the good will Of
all Americans. Which indicates, per-
maps, that wartime hatreds are arti-
fetal things which die rapidly as soon
as their artificial stimulus Is re-
moved.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
Hitler on the Upswing

When Germany's National Social
lists elected just exactly half of the
diet members of the Mecklenberg-
Schwerin diet at Sundays elections,
they gave additional strength to the
prediction that Adolph Hitler, party
chief, is the coming man of the hour
in The Fatherland."
President Won Hindenberg has called
another national election to be held
next month and the effect of the re-
cent Nazi victories In elections to what
might be compared with our state
legislatures will be determined then.
There seems every reason to believe
that Hitler's group, contesting against
a multiplicity Of parties, will come out
top dog.
Examination of the causes behind
this phenomenal rise Of a man who
seems to be more vain than gifted,
takes us back to the treaty of Ver-
sailles.
Hitler is the one man in Germany
who has been insisting, in season and
out of season, that the treaty must
be revised or repudiated.
The crushing burden of reparations
is to be borne no longer; nor will Ger
many continue to accept the treaty's
assertion that she alone caused the
war. Today's ominous crisis was made
for us by the men who made that
treaty.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
Buying a Safe Car

In recent address, Maxwell Hal
sey, traffic engineer of the national
bureau Of casualty and surety under
writer's, told how to buy safe car.
A survey covering nine states, the
District of Columbia, and Ontario, for
periods varying from seven to IL
months, showed that a total of $3.50
accidents were due to defects in au-
tomobiles. OF these accidents, 435 in
volved fatalities, 4,2lO personal injur-
les, and 1853 property damage. In
Pennsylvania alone, during November,
1881, the defective automobile was re-
sponsible for IL deaths, 327 injuries
and demolition Of property totaling
$52,70o.
The safe car provides good visibil-
ity-good enough so the driver can
see an object on the ground, either
in front or at the side, two car lengths
away. Rear body structure must be
solid. Steering, of course, is factor
of the utmost Importance. In the safe
car there is no sense of pulling" or
of road fight" Brakes must be
equalized, must apply easily and yet
not grab, and must stop the car
quickly, not only at 20 or 30 miles an
hour, but at 40 and so. The car must
hold the road well, and show no ten
dency toward bouncing when making
emergency turns and stops.
These matters but touch the surface
Of the safe car" problem. Tremen-
dous progress has been made in au-
tomobile design and mechanical con-
struction-further progress will be
made when the public demands it.
Every purchaser should make it a
point to look not only for speed, power
and appearance in car, but to give
great consideration to the safety fac
tor-whether his prospective car costs
$500 or $4,000.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

with stocks, bonds and other intangi-
bles. The land may offer problems
to the investor but it still is as good
as paper, all things considered.
This fact, and the prevailing low
prices for construction, should offe,
to the prospective
home builder. It is possible, of course
for a man to find a safer, saner in
vestment for his money but he will
be the very rare exception If he does
find it.
And if the homing instinct calls
take note OF these facts, culled from
a leading magazine:
stone veneer construction will
cost about the same as frame con-
struction in 1928. The most mod
ern vapor vacuum heating sys-
tenn with oil burner may be had
for the same amount as a one
pipe coal system with furnace
four years ago. Thing in bath
rooms costs less than cement
plaster did in 1923, and brass
pipe costs less than iron did at
that time. Hardware is IS per
cent cheaper than in 1923 and
plumbing fixtures almost As per
cent cheaper. Four inch oak
floors today are less expensive
than 2ha-inch pine in 1922
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
IN
l3I,IIl
YORK
!!9 VA,
AND GOOD LUCK!

AND GOOD LUCK!
New York, June 7.-Modern divorce
in Manhattan, taking cue from the
sophisticated plays on that subject,
has become good natured, casual
parting at Grand Central. There may
even be a wisecrack as the engine
pulls out for Reno.
Husband and wife go into a clinch.
Travellers observing the scene often
mistake it for touching ALL revoir
Both parties invariably remark: well
always be good friends, We just can't
live together"
One of the leading society host
esses, discussing this circumstance,
sighed and made fretful, old-fash-
Toned comment the other day: But
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

football game. In school at Miss
Rathburne's I had a good time but
now that I'm home again it's 80
lonesome!"
Phillips face sobered. "Poor little
rich girl" he said softly. "Poor
little rich girl who has everything
in the world except what she wants!
Cherry-I'm a swell one to be say.
ing it but IL there's ever anything
in this world I can do for you all
you have to do is say the word.
You know that, don't your
The pink flush came into the
girls cheeks again. you've been
doing things for me ever since tho
minute first saw you!"
"One month ago today. wasn't It?
That's why we're celebrating"
They both laughed. As wildly
as though 1t had been yesterday
Cherry Dixon pictured that first
meeting. A sleeting March day
wit slippery pavements. Herself.
snugly wrapped in beaver, at the
wheel Of the green roadster. The
approach t. the Court street bridge
and sudden change in trafic lights.
Another ca. close behind her. The
crash!
She had no clear idea Of the
cents that crowded after that.
Someone had helped the terrified
girl from tn. roadster. There had
BIZ shorts and swarming. curious
faces. She had heard q man cali
Get a d :tor!": and another. "TIe's
not hurt'' Then policemen were
orde-in'; the crowd to move back.
It developed that the men in the
touring car-there were two Of
them-weYo not Injured N teo.,
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
The Tax Bill Rush Act

A question which a good many peo-
= are going to ask themselves and
hers during the coming national
mpaign is: Did President Hoover
,e congress the rush act?"
BY the rush act" of course. is
can't that trick of craftsmanship
hereby the need for immediate &C
N is emphasized to the exclusion Of
| else and the prospect is told he
ust sign on the dotted line at once
forever lose his golden opportunity.
Many businessmen have grown
raid of it-most of them with rea-
n. After nursing a few wounds one
ows wary of the instrument which
flicts them
But the president, it will be recalled,
'nned his silk hat and morning coat
rush over to the senate and issue
solemn warning. The fight was
I'll nigh wound up, but the presi-
mt supplied the final urge toward
king a vote on the revenue bill.
One surprising thing about the
mole business is the fact that Rep.
B. Burtness of North Dakota voted
,ainst the conference report in the
,use, which was the elimination of
re rush act" if one was staged. His
ew was that numerous inequalities
I'd unfair provisions remained to be
oned out and that congress should
Ave taken time to do 1t. Congress
an j. H. Sinclair, Of different Re-
,blican faction from Burtness, also
,posed the report, and Senators Nye
I'd Frazier voted against the bill in
le senate.
That the budget-balancing bill is a
BOD thing no patriotic American will
,ny, even though it lays the load
taxation a little heavier upon his
loulders.
In fact, that may be one of the
lost potent benefits of the whole bus
less. When he sees his gas and elec-
ic light bill increased and the no
,tion that it is due to the tax put
lere by the government, he will be-
n to understand that he is paying
n the government. When the aver
&c man realizes that simple fact he
lay take more interest in how the
overnment is operated. He may in
st that political officeholders make
BOD on their promises and cite other
aims to office than the fact that
ley are good handshakers, expert
aby-kissers and can string words to-
ether in a pleasing manner.
Every tax, of course, is borne by
hat Governor Roosevelt chose to call
ne little man." And it seems ines
apable that taxes applied at the top
re passed on down the line to the
onsumer, getting larger as they pass
trough each hand.
But good many of the new taxes
I'LL be directly apparent to the con-
umer. And the consumer is going
0 do a lot Of bordering about the
ause of it all.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

He's SO terribly dignified and
well. he just doesn't understand!
All his life Fathers been giving
orders and seeing people jump to
obey them. OF course he's really
wonderful but he has so many old:
fashioned ideas"
"You don't have to tell me! Blue
ribbon aristocracy with three rings
around it-that's the Dixon family.
Money bags and the good ship May.
flower! Cherry. Cherry. to think
the likes of you should be seen in
a public eating place with that low.
down Dan Phillips!"
Hes not low.down and he's prac.
tically the only friend I have! Dan.
do you realize It's been terribly
lonesome for me here in Yelling
ton?"
Lonesome! Haven't you the
cream Of the towns society to pick
from? Haven't you lived here since
infancy?"
II was born here. I've lived here
Of course. too. but when ! was q
little girl there weren't half dozen
children I was allowed to play with.
When I was IL they sent me to
school in France. The last two
years I've been at Miss Rath.
burne's. During vacations / came
home but the boys and girls used
to know aren't here and I cant
seem to get acquainted with the
others. They've gone to western
schools and they talk about fra.
ternities and sororities and all sorts
Of sports ! don't understand. iFa-
Their doesn't approve of girls play.
ing golf and tennis 80 ! never
learned. It's because he hates coun.
try cluha. And i've nAvAr Neen 4
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
H TO-DAY Y s.
! WORLD WARY.
ANNIVERSARY
XXHlofG2E,
TREASON INDICTMENT

On June Z, 1918, treason against the
United States was charged and in
dictments issued against several prom
inent Americans. These included Jere-
miah A. O'Leary, Lieutenant Com
mander Hermann Vessels, and the
Baroness Maria Won Kretschmann,
said to be a kinswoman of the Ger
man empress. Espionage was charged.
American marines continued their
drive on Uncomfortable mile front
northwest of Chateau-Thierry, taking
veuilly la Poterie in cooperation with
Fernch troops. Americans took more
than 800 prisoners.
Another Irish ship was accounted
for by a German submarine in British
waters. It was the Innisfallen, and
II lives were lost when the ship sank.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

ture films; win Durant, who bio
graphs the philosophers, wants = lot
of laughs for his money -. Ray Ly-
man Wilbur, member OF the cabinet,
wants straight adventure =. Leopold
Stokowski, famous conductor, doesn't
mind having his vast amount Of hair
raised either.
And there's . group that likes a
murder mystery or some shooting
a -la-gang or western and this includes
DR.. John B. watson, the behavlorist;
Or. Henry Seidel Candy, editor of the
very literary Saturday Review; Prof.
Kemmerer Of Princeton, and Gen.
Hartford, Of the Radio Corporation.
There are many others+and all
good company!
COURTLY CRITIClSk
Max Eastman, white-haired, kind.
ly-eyed, scholarly essayist and editor.
recalls the time when he was operat-
ing The Masses. And Emma Goldman
was very much In the limelight.
He had printed a poem clarifying
the two-fisted Emma. And was hailed
to court. A move to quash the indict-
ment was made by Morris Hillquit,
defense attorney. The Judge asked to
see the bit of writing.
do you call this poem?" demand
ed the Judge.
1.-THE indictment does. your honor"
"Then the indictments dismissed"
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

emo. unfortunately! Just as !
~ was leaving the Office last
night a phoney tip came in and
Bates tod me to hop on 1t. Wom-
an telephoned the kid had been
seen out near Somerset. went out
with couple of deputies and we
covered every square foot Of the
damned place. Don't suppose
you've ever been to Somerset. No?
Well. congratulate yourself. Any
how it was just another evening
wasted and the esteemed Yelling
ton News none the better for It.
We didn't get back into town un-
til after one O'clock"
"And they haven't found the
little boy?"
"Not according to the noon edi.
tion. Personally I don't think they
ever WILL"
"Oh, but I hope they do! was
so sorry for that poor mother when
read about it. The way she'd
been planning his birthday party
and the new tricycle. she'd bought.
1t seems dreadful"
"Sure, it's hard on the parents.
Nice PEOPLE. too. But it's been a
week { I'D there hasn't been a single
clue that led anywhere"
THE waiter set glass-domed plates
l. before them. Sweetbread patty
and asparagus for Cherry. A roast
and vegetables for Dan.
Coffee now, sir?" the waiter
asked.
They decided to have the coffee
later. Tie girl broke a bit Of Melba
toast and buttered it.
when you talk about the places
you 60 and people you see." she
said, I'm so envious. It must be
wonderful to 1e at the center Of
things, always right there when
something exciting is happening!
1t must be 'lrilling."
"Some times," Phillips agreed.
"Most of the time though it's Just
pounding sidewalks or sitting
around waiting for something to
happen Why. we haven't had a
real story except the James case
for weeks. You get fed up on it."
But you've been so many other
places. You've worked on papers
in lots of cities. haven't you? You
know what you said about the way
/ spent the morning? 1 wish
didn't have to do things like that.
I wish Father would let me learn
towel, to work in his Office or
something!"
YOU'D distract all the men,"
SILLY! OF course the real reason
is because Father doesn't approve
of girls working. He's terribly old.
fashioned. Mother is too"
That's not old-fashioned. II
you'll tell me one reason in the
world why the daughter of Walter
j. Dixon should bang type.
writer"
"Oh. but IT'S not Just about me
that he feels that way. Father
doesn't think any girls should
work"
Phillips smiled wryly. "He
doesn't exactly look with favor on
young men of the press either, does
he?" he asked.
The girl was startled. "Why, he
doesn't even know" she began.
Phillips cut in. Doesn't know
his daughter has made the &C.
quaintance Of a poor news slave
named Daniel Phillips? Oh, no. I
merely heard the financial editor
giving an account of a first.hand
encounter with your father. Boy
how that man loves the Fourth Es.
tate! 'Sca1dal moDgers.' Picture
snatchers.' Those were q few Of
bis pet names"
The dark lashes lowered. "FIis
daughter doesn't think those
things" the girl said.
THEIR eyes met. There was q
moments silence and then
Cherry went on hurriedly. "lt's DO.
cause Father doesn't understand.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07
Good Investments

Granting that It would be difficult
10 realize as much for house now
as it cost in 1920, the home-owner
ian console himself with the thought
that his investment has shown less
depreciation IN value than Is the rule
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

past two or three weeks, from schools,
factories and business
DR.. Cross said that a number of the
cases had shown an early tendency to
pneumonia.
Mild Weather Blamed
But the outlook" he added, lis for
gradual subsiding of what might be
called an epidemic. The cause, we
believe, is probably the unusual mild
winter that preceded the cold snap
that came in over the weekend sew
eral weeks ago and stayed for 10 days.
1t found people unprepared, and many
suffered from exposure"
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1932-06-07

either boost for Canada or a slam
on Ohio.
X y
A gangster's bullet passed through
a New York mans hair without hit.
ting him. Must have been a parting
shot.
X Y X
A scientist says that insects can be
trained to do tricks. Hoover should
appoint him chairman of a commits