Plentywood herald., 1932-11-24
Fable of the
Charley Horse
as
By GEORGE AIDE
%. Ben syndicate. l-wNu Service.


Timmons who often boasted
to his Wife and the Stenog-
rapher and his Business Partner and
Strangers encountered in the Under
wear Department of Pullman Car
that he didn't know he had Stomach.
Such gross ignorance would not seem
10 caft for Dragging but Mr. Timmons
attached tremendous Importance 10
heartburn and Dyspepsia were con-
cerned. he didn't have any more In
terror Complications than Bass
Drum. SO. when he saw some less
Fortunate Mortal stirring up Bi-Carb
or munching Pepsin Tablets. he would
grin ut the Sufferer in a perfectly un-
bearable Manner and pull the Faserite
Speech: "Well, Sir, take 1t Year In
and Year out, I'll be switched If
know I've got Stomach"
Warburton was one of those who
could eat Anything and did. All
kinds of rich and gummy Pastry were
simply vitamin to him He delib-
erately and In a Spirit of Brayado at
tackled all of the dangerous Combina-
tions which might properly be en-
grayed on SO many Headstones. Mean
ing as for Instance:
Grabbing Credit for 1t.
Exhibit A--Broiled Lobster, fol
lowed by Cucumber Salad, Tutti Fruit
ii Ice Cream and Angel Food
Exhibit B-pork Chops, Hot Bis
cults, Potatoes Au Gratin and Apple
Dnnplings.
Exhibit C--Welsh Rabbit with In
dian Pudding and Hard Sauce.
And SO on. Then when the admir-
ing Spectators would tell him what q
Four-TTme Wonder he was, that would
be his Cue to explain that, as a Mat
Ter Of Fact, he didn't know he had
Stomach.
Because he was First Cousin to an
Ostrich and had all of the Almentary
Immunities Of a Goat. Mr.. Tiiumons
assumed Moral Grandeur which did
not fit in with his Personal Appear
anee or his Social Rating. Naturally,
he was hated by all Cripples, Hypo-
chondriacs and Neurasthenics, for the
Reason that he tried to make them
feel that he was King on Throne
while they were lot of Insects crawl
ing in the Gravel
Along with the Virtues of the non
existent Stomach he advertised to the
World the startling News that his
General Health was so robust that
several Doctors had starved to Death
on his Account. TO quote his own
original Way of putting 1t: Il haven't
had an Ache or Pain since / don't
know when"
Warburton j. Tlmmons went ON for
Years and Years leading benumbed
and painless Existence. the same as a
Crocodile, and then he got what Is
coming. under the Terms of the Con
tract, to every Person who makes
Moral Attributes of certain Bovine
Characteristics.
One Day he played Golf In the Rain
and refused to change his Clothes or
take Hot Foot-Bath because he said
he was tougher than Whale-Bone and
little Cold Water wouldn't hurt Him
because he took 1t, every morning, just
the way H H came cut Of the Pipes. One
of those Birds. What will they do
when they eventually get to Place
where all the Water Is hot?
Joy In Clarksburg. y,
1t all happened next Morning. Mr..
Tfmmons started to roll out of his
Couch. in his usual bounding and gym
nastic Manner, when some one stuck
a red-hot Corkscrew into his Right
Hip and turned it around twice. He
let out Zip and fell back In the Gov
ers. very surprised and grieved Per-
son. He lay there moaning but still
refusing to admit that the Laws Of
Nature, which penalized everyone else,
could possibly take q Mean Advantage
of Warburt0n j. Timmons.
1t now becomes necessary to ask
certain questions regarding the Town
of Clarksburg, of which Mr. Timmons
was one of the main Ornaments Why
was 1t, that on Certain Morning, all
of the Birds In the Trees chirruped
more gaily? Why did the Tots on
their way to School emit Peal after
Peal of silvery Laughter? Why did
the Trolley Conductors sound their
Gongs with unusual Vigor and all of
the Merchants in the Business District
attack the Day with extraordinary
Cheerfulness? The Answer to all of
the Foregoing Is that on this particu-
lar Morning the whole World was
frightened by the Spectacle Of War
burton j. Timmons limping to his Of
fce--with the Assistance of Cane
1t was the Good Wife who told him
to try q Linfment which an Indian
Doctor had given to old Mr.. Keesler
soon after the Civil War.
1t was Mr.. Bromley, the Business
Partner, who told him to put Porous
Plaster over the Seat of Pain. Mr..
Bromley may best be described as the
Type OF Man who would. In any Emer.
gency, advise the use Of Porous
Plaster.
1t was Mr.. McClatchey. the Barber