Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1931-09-13
A MOTORING
LAMENT
Or, the Way of De Tourist.
BY L. BRUCE HORD.
BY L. BRUCE HoRD.

for de tourist. He riseth early and
hastily consumeth two cups of alleged
coffee and some stale eggs and greasy
bacon at aye Roadside Haven" and
throweth four suit cases, a bag of golf
clubs, bundle of bathing suits, half a
dozen assorted sweaters and coats and
the family Pekingese into the back of
the car with Katy and Johnnie, and
Gene and Mary; hurrieth his ever-pa-
tient and suffering life partner
into the front seat, with three Thermos
bottles, a gallon picnic jug, yesterdays
unread papers, tour book and seven
road maps, and roareth across sundry
miles Of super-heated countryside He
climeth the hills in high! Yea, might
lily, he stormeth up the mountain side
at number Of miles per hour. and en-
counterfeit a "detour" sign upon his
path. He traveleth miles over a dirt
road with heavy grades which requireth
the second gear. And, 10! his radiator
boileth over and he hath engine trouble
galore. He payeth a wayside descend
ant Of Capt. Kidd and the 40 thieves
six bucks for an unneeded change of oil,
engine adjustment and a radiator flush
ing. He filleth up with three gallons
OF mountain water from a gushing hill
side spring. His troubles are DER.
Through the Valley.
He scorcheth through the valley to
make up for lost time. He consumeth
many bottles of warm Iced" soda. and
purchaseth numberless candy bars to
quiet his offspring withal, but giveth no
thought to their present comfort or
future health. He speedeth between
miles Of gayly colored signboards that
proclaimeth the qualities of every
product OF man, and obscureth those Of
nature. Selah!
He smelleth the luscious hot dog from
afar in the heat of the noontide He
buyeth dozen with six more bottles
of Iced" drinks, but alas! and also
alack! findeth the dogs cold and the
iced" drinks warm Desperately he
hurleth half empty bottle of imitation
suds against tree where it strikes a
gaudy sign reading quote Delicious and
Refreshing end quote, and yearneth a
mighty yearn for one cold bottle OF
nomebrew from right against the freez-
ing unit OF his automatic ice box 1000
miles away. He pauseth beneath a
spreading tree, and flndeth its shade all
on the other side of high wire fence,
and fully occupied by a herd of PIGS,
goats and other livestock, that Stirreth
up dust cloud while they stampeth
and kicketh at flies. He perileth his
life but rescueth the Pekingese from
utter annihllation meath the wheels of
passing truck, and returneth proudly.
He expecteth song of praise and a
decoration for gallantry. Alas, doth he
get 1t? He doth not. He findeth his
ever-loving spouse administering first
aid to his eldest born, who receivedst a
crushed finger when he tweaketh the
tail OF sleeping mule through a fence,
who kicketh quickly, and batteth not an
eye. Selah!
Through the Afternoon.
He speedeth through the long after
noon. Vainly he tryeth to reach Punk
town on the bay, but when within eight
miles thereof at sunset he encoun-
tereth detour sign which routeth him
over 81 miles of old and abandoned
night at swamp farm with rooms for
tourists" He occupieth, perforce, a
folding cot in a cubby hole of a room
under the caves, with but one window
tunscreened), and all night hungry but
festive mosquitoes feedeth upon his
PROSTATE form. His fitful slumber is
broken, while 1t is yet night, by the
braying of certain farm beasts of bur-
den, the kind that loweth in their stalls
and the cock that croweth shrilly, while
the morning star fadeth. He batheth
AA - AaoAC cAONo pail dLl0 OLldFCIkl
his tortured face with a blade that
dulleth perceptibly with every stroke,
the while he curseth his forgetfulness
that causedst him to leave out his extra
blades and preventeth his purchasing
more. He collecteth his brood and
drtveth into Punktown as the new day
dawneth and learneth there that the
new road is open and the "detour"
signs should have been removed last
week He sweareth vain and bitter
oaths until his life companion threat
ereth to leave him for the sake of their
poor, defenseless lambs who listereth
to the lurid language gleefully and
kicketh out three windows in the car.
Through the Weeks.
Yea! Verify, he repeateth the per-
Torrance daily for two endless weeks
and covereth 2,371 miles, and Spendeth
the other so weeks in boresome recitals
of how the old bus made 1874 miles
one day and would have done 425 but
for two blow-outS and bent axle which
delayed him a couple of hours when he
hit an unlighted barricade at detour
sign, and how, after all, 1869 miles
isn't so bad for a two-week's trip.
Selah!
Truly, one other should be added to
Solomon's ways" that be past finding,
and that is-the way of de tourist when
he hath re-toured.
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