davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
The Marry-GO-ROund
by Helen Rowland

and try to be cynical" or anus
ing or funny" Ha, ha!
But that's the feature writer's
job. He's not paid to inflict his
personal moods and moral preju-
diceS on a long-suffering world.
He-or She-iS paid to entertain
it, or amuse it, or kid it or
jolly it. He's an actor who
must live up to his role, whether
it's the role of cynic or satirist
or teacher or romanticiSt. And
lots of the time the funniest
wisecracker is writing with
tears in his eyes,"
During the World War, Don
Marquis, the dean Of all col
umniSts, wrote me the most
heartening letter, urging me to
keep up the good work-to keep
them smiling-for that is our
Bit" That letter saw me
through the dark struggle; and
when men in the trenches be-
gan writing me letters of thanks
for relieving their dull hours
knew that the Marquis was
right.
Often, when I am feeling
serious, I do write seriously;
hIIt those davS this column iS
duller than a rainy Sunday on
Broadway. It's cheating -
that's what!
Yet, like the cook who wished
that Noah had saved some
other kind Of edible animal, I
often secretly wish that the
Lord had made something more
interesting than love and mar
riage and men and women to
write about. But He didn't
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
TIMES TEST

Do you know:
/. What is stag?
2. What name is given to
coarse bread made Of un-
bolted rye?
8. What is curacao favored
with?
4. In what three states are
the Ozark Mountains?
5. What did the painter
Landseer specialize in?
6. What are "ante-bellum"
days?
7. What President died dur.
ing the Civil War?
8. What name is given to a
fertile spot in a desert?
8. What is the last Sunday
in Lent?
10. What is water charged
with to make soda water?
Match correctly:
II. riddle
reward
IL. jubilant
to wander aimlesSly
13. honorarium
exulting
IA. pSychosiS
enigma
IS. lneander
disease Of the mind
ANSWERS on Maaazine PaEel
The Washington times., 1931-03-27

This Is the age of the ma
chine, and a machine which has
often been cited as typical Of
the age is the Diesel engine.
Henry Ford insists on calling
this the power age, rather than
the machine age. He insists
that the engines constructed by
man are not injurious to the
race, but primarily serve the
purpose of relieving mankind of
the heavy burden of work
which was formerly his lot. The
Diesel engine is an outstanding
example of the tool which
reaches a high stage of eff
cheney and has a very produc-
tive value as a prime mover in
modern industry.
Some inventors are so pro-
1ific in ideas that they are con-
Stantly hitting upon new inven-
tions and making contributions
to the worlds convenience, COM
fort and welfare. Others are OBJ
sessed with a single great idea,
and devote their lives to the &C
compliShment of one great end,
which they see clearly in out
line but not in detail from the
beginning.
Heroes Nf Science
They are willing to give them
selves, their lives, their fortunes
to a single great aim, satisfied If
they can accomplish this and
this only. To the latter class
belong Rudolph Diesel, the in
ventor of the new oil engine so
famous today.
This devoted and gifted in
ventor was born of German
parents in Paris on March 18,
1858. At the time of the
Franco -Prussian War his par
ents eniigrated to England, but
the boy had already studied to
some extent before leaving
Paris. It was not, however,
until he went to Augsburg, Ger
many, that he began to display
his brilliant talents as an in
ventor. He passed his school
examinations with unusual dis
tinction.
Impressed by the ability Of
the young man. Prof. Linde
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
"From Red Russia
To Red Rum"

Editor, Times:
The American commonwealth
seems to be doomed, in that
Mr.. Mathew Woll has switched
to a new party or a larger
field for the salvation of the
American workmen, from Red
Russia to red rum. And as a
workman. T will say the minds
of 68 per cent of the working
class of this country are
centered on when do we eat
and for heavens sake tell us
when the 6,5O0,000 idle work
men are going to be in a posi-
tion to say have job?
The dry and the vets are
about the best joke this coun-
try has ever had, from the
point of profit and graft. The
flood of gold that keeps their
ships pounding our shoes Of
discomfort should in the near
future find a safe anchorage in
some political harbor to be
moored and the pirates made
to walk the plank. The whisky
question can be settled if the
powers that be so desire. But
the drys want it wet and the
vets want it dry. One OF our
American soldiers and states
men said if you have a bad
law and don't want it, enforce
it and it will be repealed. Let's
see what would happen II the
dry law is repealed. It would
mean the shrinking of a good
many bank accounts OF low
salaried officials who have high
unaccountable bank balances.
Like the gentleman in New
York a few days ago who
could not tell how he accumu-
lated the amount he had on his
return from Bermuda. 1t was
not business policy for him to
tell if he did. he would have
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
CHEERFULLY WAITING.
This Shows What CAN Happen

This picture of pilot in the British Navy, waiting to be
rescued one thousand miles from Shore out in the Meder
ranean, is genuine patient waiting
Patience on monument, smiling at grief, not more
admirable than this.
The plane Blackburn torpedo carrier is built to be
ried the deck of aplane carrier along the
deck flies off, pontoons support the water
YET like many other apanes enabled to keep aflOat by its
wings and gasoline tank this plane though not hydropane
stayed above the smooth water long to let somebody
and take photograph and then the pilot With
rough water it would have been otherwise However, all
planes ships day will be arranged that they
float safely many of them will be far bigger than two
three modern battleshps combined.
The Washington times., 1931-03-27

care of the present situation
to their betterment. The Ad.
ministration cannot be held
wholely responsible for the
working class.
I win say the firm Of Fish
and Woll who, are ballyhooing
around this country on the
Russian question, need have no
fears. But would advise them
to find some method to off
set any Russian propaganda
and the prescriptions is a full
dinner pail and job for every
man and a chicken for every
pot, not a mental chicken, but
one Of the barnyard variety.
So, Mr.. Fish and Mr.. Woll,
get on a live question that will
benefit the toilers of this land
and let your slogan be,
America for Americans and
Russia for Russians" To the
aspiring leader of labor I would
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
involved others a little higher

involved others a little higher
up.
The officials who are re-
Sponsible for the enforcement
of the Eighteenth Amendment.
if they so desire, can make it
uncomfortable for the violators.
But you must clear the court
house of the buzzards who sit
on the walls awaiting the vic
TINS arrival to pick bones and
divide the spoils. AS for the
American workman he is get
ting his beer. Every home a
home brewer who so desires.
And from the green fields he
balls his corn.
A leader of labor at this time
I think could devote his time
to the profit of the working
class with better results if his
mind was centered on their
present condition and try to
devise some means to take
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
Honest Confession

Honest Confession
Every now and then a letter
comes from some Serious Soul
urging me to use my wonder
full opportunity" in this column.
for "uplift of humanity" rather
than for flippancies and "cyn-
-ical nonsense"
Oh, Tantalus! Oh, st. An
thony! What did YOU know
about temptation? What a
heavenly cinch-just to sit here
at my desk and tell people what
they OUGHT to be like, instead
-ttof what they ARE like! To be
noble instead of satirical or flip
pant or amusing! To write
sweetness and highland copy
book maximS.
The great struggle in writing
any column consists in stick
ing to your line; in playing
new tunes on the same old
.-SCrlng, Gay a1Cer 0ay.
=, You pass a Shivering, starv-
ing breadline-and go home
with a heavy heart and an
sache in your throat, to write
cynical wisecrackS. About
MEN. And love. And mar
riage. And SeX-appeal!
? You wake up with a tooth
ache or a cold in the head
and you sit down to tap out
merry little quips about spring
romance or June bridegrooms
1or Reno divorces.
You read q poem, or listen to
\ sermon, or watch a sunset
that thrills and fills you with a
spiritual exaltation-a divine &c
stacy. Then you get on the job
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
Aftermath of National
Anthem Controversy

Aftermath of National
Anthem Controversy
Editor, Times:
I note with interest your
brief editorial relative to our
National Anthem, which ap-
peared in The Times Of
March %.
A recently published letter
to your paper which dealt with
the same subject, is worthy Of
comment. The writer thereof
seemed dissatisfied with "The
Star-Spangled Banner" because
it might be offensive to Eng
land.
Now may I ask why this ma
tion should adopt an anthem
which is distinctively American,
and why this anthem should
extol Great Britain or any
other nation than that which it
is intended to represent.
Americans should be indebted
to Francis Scott Key as the au-
thor of The Star-Spangled Ban
ner," and to the two Mary
land Senators whose efforts
were successful in having it Of
ficially adopted as our national
anthem.
e. n. COOK.
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
Listen, World!
7 Elsie Robinson

rick. He did not know what
that meant. He found out.
The Torture Chamber
"The torture chambers in
Folsom" he writes, "Were To-
Gated in what was called the
back alley They were boarded
off from the rest Of the cell
houses. In there, the groans
and means of the victims were
lost in empty air. I was one
of 10 convicts to face the pun
ishment machines the next
morning. They told me this
number was not anything un-
usual. 1t was about the aver
age complement day in and
day out, the year round at
Folsom.
MY cell door was the last
of the 10 opened. The bright
light of the corridor confused
me for a moment and then I
saw the horrifying spectacle of
nine unfortunate human be-
ings all dangling from the
ends Of ropes. They were sus-
pended each one by block
and tackle from a balcony
above their heads.
THE two convict assistants
helped the freeman (guarO to
perform this gruesome task.
My arms were extended back
ward and then pair of hand
cuffs were snapped upon my
wrists. One of the convicts
began pulling the rope which
was attached to the handouts,
drawing me slowly upward.
When my heels were just off
the floor, the attendants :laGe
a move to tie the rope fast
to a cleat on the side Of the
wall, but he was brushed aside
by the dungeon warder who
grasped it with both bands
and, with the full weight Of
his body. gave it a savage jerk.
Like the Inquisition
"It was cruel, unmerciful! The
weight of my body caused the
steel of the handouts to cut
deeply into my wrists as I
swung Imply at the end of the
block and tackle. Now he re-
leased an inch or so Of slack
until I had again regained a
Steadying position, the tiptoes
Of my brogans resting on the
stone flags on the dungeon cor
ridor My head was tilted
downward to the level of my
waist, forced into that unnatu-
raj position by my arms being
truSsed up backward and held
tightly by the cruel handouts"
So it began.
When, after two hours, he
was revived by a hose playing
in his face, he was idiotic from
pain.
Yet he still was so strong
that he was able to walk back
to his cell after the two and
half hours were over-the first
man ever able to do so.
So it began. So it went on.
Five hours a day.. That was
considered all a man could bear
in Folsom. Joliet, however, has
more virile standards. They
gave Joseph Coakley two four
hour periods each day in Joliet.
Time meant very little to Ed
Morrell when they lifted him
down at last. It meant moth
ing at all to Joseph Coakley,
whom God, in His pity, released
after four days Of the Usual
Works. He was strangely mild
as they carried him away. He
would not get edgey any more.
Men with broken muscles do
not throw bread on the floor.
Copyright, 1881, King Features
Syndicate. Inc.)
The Washington times., 1931-03-27

GtC4 6SV NNoNJ
So mad you could throw
things?"
Sure you have-if you're hui
man. And maybe you DID
throw something. Heave a
book. Or punch a pillow.
Then you felt better, didn't
you? A bit sheepish, perhaps,
acting like such a kid! But it
did you good. Took the ten
sion, off Somehow-broke that
spell of blues. Good to let off
steam, that way. Funny how
frazzled a fellows nerves can
get
BUT GOD HELP HIM IF
HIS NERVES GET FRAzzLED
AFTER HE HAS FORFEITED
THOSE RIGHTS. GOD PITY
HIM IF HE LETS OFF STEAM
AFTER HE HAS CEASED TO
BE A MAN AND HAS Be
COME ONLY A NUMBER.
A NUMBER LOCKED IN A
CELL.
Gods Pity Needed
Joseph Coakley could tell how
much a man needs Gods pity
in a case like that. That is,
he could tell if he were here.
But he isn't. Joseph Coakley
is dead. We killed him the
other day-in Joliet Peniten-
tiary. And, if he had sense
enough left to mutter anything
in those last awful hours, he
must have gagged his gratitude
for that numbling gift OF
death.
Joseph Coakley was an active
man of "a. It is hard for
active men Of "a to be idle
cooped up. It does not mat
ter whether they are good men
or bad men, church deacons or
robbers, they get edgey under
those circumstances. Raise a
rumpus. Joseph Coakley got
edgey and raised a rumpus.
He didn't do anything very
drastic, even though he was a
thief serving time. He didn't
knife anyone-or try to make
a break-or incite the other
prisoners. He simply threw
some bread on the floor. And
took a piece Of butter from
the kitchen without permlS-
sion.
Not Nice Reading
Il warn you this isn't going
to be nice reading. If you're
squeamish you'd better quitO
So the guards took Joseph
Coakley and put him into
SOLITARY" SOLITARY" is an
unlighted, unheated, stone cell,
the size of a coffin, stood on
end. After the guards had JOS
eph Coakley inside solitary they
handcuffed him, hung him by
the hands from the top of the
cell and gave him the usual
works. Warden Henry c. Hill
has admitted that they are the
Usual Works. He says it is the
customary and necessary form
of discipline used with men who
get edgey and throw bread
on floors. He sees nothing
amiss in it. It is done in all
our penitentiaries. Ed Morrel,
in his book "The Twenty-fith
Man" describes how it was
done to him at Folsom. For
sake of accuracy and since
you and I are sponsoring this
sort of thing ,. here are parts
of his accounts.
They called it "the Derrick"
in Folsom. Ed Morrell talked
back" to q guard and was SEN
fenced to so hours on the Der
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
Urges More Frequent
Sunday Bus Service

OUAWUJ OWS WN@ wv
Editor, Times:
A vital question is: Why don't
busses run more often on Sun
days? Many of my friends
and myself have been sub
iected to this indignity. Last
Sunday, I stood waiting in a
drizzle for exactly one-half hour
for a bus. Not only this, but
I passed by many stops and
1 saw men and women alike
suffering this way.
I, for one, would like the
company to ameliorate this in
dignity.-H. c.
The Washington times., 1931-03-27
Hearst Papers Advocate

Honest friendship NTH all nations entaH0tn0 alliances
NTH Rone."-Geor0e Washington.
g Proportional representation United States Senate
State than Senator's Legislation to enforce
prompt constitutional TeGppotonmeHt In the House OF
Representatives.
Separate departments OF the Army of the NGDy and OF the
Air Forces all united under Secretary OF National DEFENSE
Federal action to the limit of Federal powers abolish
AliterGcy under Secretary OF Education.
s. Installation the President the first OF January toHo
ING the November election.
SeLecue immigration to admit only those suited for Anert
citizenship and American needs
Deportation of undesirable aliens and extension OF citizen
ship period to 10 years.
g. Complete publicity for income big tar
dodgers from escaping taxation.
Modification the VolsteGd act to permit light tneS and
beers under Federal regulation
The Washington times., 1931-03-27

say I hardly think Mr.. Hoover
is going to put any more loose
shelves in his Cabinet. So be
content in what you are, and
be what you are.
JOHN T. KELLY.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1931-10-04

supper I took q complete bath and shaved care
fully and Uncle Oscar came and sat on my bed
to help me dress.
Have you thought what you are going to
do whep you get to Miss Efhe Prince's?" he
asked me.
II have not thought of anything special"
told him.
THAT is the usual thoughtlessness of youth"
said Uncle Oscar. but In kindly manner. Il
have been through this wife-getting proposition.
Pawley, and can give you some valuable adj
vice that am sure will make things go more
smoothly.
when you get to Miss Efie Princes house
she will open the door and shake hands with
you, and you must hold onto her hand and not
let it 60 at once. That is the way began
with your late Aunt Sarah"
How long ought to hold onto it," I asked
him.
Not too long" said Uncle Oscar. but long
enough to show that not mere friendship but
indeed affection is what you regard her with.
And before you let go Of her hand. Pawley.
give it q squeeze. squeeze shows that you
mean something especial"
Should hold onto her hand for about i've
minutes?" asked Uncle Oscar.
MY goodness mol" he exclaimed. THAT is
holding hands and do not expect you to get
to that until you have called on Miss Efne
Prince three or four times. Let me have hold
of your hand and will show you how long to
hold onto her hand this first time
| INCLE OSCAR then took out his watch and
~ balanced it on his knee
When say Shake! Pawley," he said, take
my hand and hold onto it until say Squeeze"
and then squeeze it and let 60"
He then waited until the second hand of his
watch was in the right place, and said Shake"
and took his hand.
Squeeze" he said, and I squeezed. and
Uncle Oscar jumped up and hoped on one foot
with agony on his face, hugging his hand.
Great ghosts and gizzards!" he said. You
don't want to squeeze like that. You don't
want to bust her hand all to pieces"
II am sorry" said. II was only trying to
put some affection into it,
What you put into that squeeze was muir
der Uncle Oscar said. Now Try it again.
And squeeze easy"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1931-10-04

my twenty-fifth birthday my
Uncle Oscar took a pencil and
paper end showed me that 1t
would be better If We bought BABY
chicks already hatched and threw
out the incubators.
ayes" I said. You have convinced me-
Uncle Oscar, and I am not surprised, because
you are always right -
Il am only proving to ycu Pawley," he said
that the best is always best just as nave
always sid and while we are talking seri-
ously there is another matter in connection
with the chicken farm that we might take up
now"
And what is that, Uncle Oscar?" I asked
him. 49,
cause We certainly need a wife hare to do the
housework."
said "fcr YOU and I have more than enough
tn do taking care of 1000 chickens to say
nothing of eggs, bat have never CONSIDERED
myself a marrying man. having mace up my
mind to be a bachelor Why DO you not get
married again. Uncle Oscar?'
IT have been married once, Pawley, said
Uncle Oscar and in ell f3irness I think II
is your turn to provide wife to do the mousse
keeping because we are equal partners IN tne
Sunnydale Chicken Farm and turn ABOUT Is
fair play"
When he put it that way saw he was right
Have YOU thought of any one for me to
marry Uncle Oscar?" asked.
at have made list of available material,
Pawlev" Uncle Oscar said, land we will go over
it carefully, because in the natter OF wives II Is
best to get the best particularly for chlcKen
farm because all female persons are not what
NAV call chicken minded. The best for US would
be a healthy person. Of a bright and colorIui
disposition, and not too thin.
I lie then went down the list, name by name,
scratching off such did not seem to him
best for a chicken farmers wife, and when he
was through the only name left was that OF
Miss Efhe Prince.
What do you think of her for our choice?"
he asked me.
You have he'd more experience in the wife
line than / have had Uncle Oscar" replied,
but If she is your choice 1 will say l cannot
complain"
THAT is the way to talk" Uncle oscar said,
"and We will take the proper steps as socn as
we get the chicken houses banked up for the
Winter"
"You know what is best" said, but you
will have to give me advice and help, because
Miss Efhe Prince always scares me dumb.
You can depend me to the fullest ex-
tent, Pawley," Uncle Oscar assured me.
The home of Miss Fife Prince is about two
miles from Sunnydale~ Chicken Farm and it
was her custcm 10 come to the farm to buy
one or more dressed fowl or a dozen or more
best white eggs. She then said to my Uncle
Oscar, "FIow's Pawley," for am by nature OF
shy disposition and extremely miserable when
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1931-10-04
Bv Ellis Parker Butler

in promixity to persons of the female sex and i
YVES afraid of Miss Fife Prince.
She was all that Uncle Oscar said, being
healthy of a bright and cheerful disposition,
ard far from tim, and had once pushed me IN
the ribs in a playful manner, saying. "Hows
old sober-sides today?" For this reason was
usually up by the chicken houses. or en- my
way there when she got out OF her car at our
place.
One day Uncle Oscar came home from town
looking more worried than before
II have heard some very bad news. Pawley
be said "Eimus Klein told me in the post office
that Miss Fife Princes cousin Grace, is COM
ing to visit her and that Fife is going to give
a party for her on Halloween. 1t looks as If
Miss Fife was indeed mad at you, because she
hasn't sent you invite, has she?"
NO" said. Il didn't even know she had
cousin Grace"
That's what Genes Of not putting your best
foot forward on any and all occasions" Uncle
Oscar said, land scooting up to the chicken
houses every time Miss Effie Prince came here
1 hope this will be a lesson to you, Pawley to
give your best, do your best and show your
best after this. i am afraid you have ruined
everything"
need not say that greatly depressed
to think that had caused Uncle Oscar so
much distress. and that was one reason went
to the political meeting at Lone Oak schoolhouse
th1t night hoping 1t would cheer me up a little
1t was almost IL o'clock when reached home
again.
lNCLE OSCAR sitting with his feet ON
- the hearth Of the kitchen stove, reading
his favorite book, The Domestic Fowl, It's Care
and Diseases" and he closed the book and took
off his spectacles as entered
We'll, Pawley" he asked, land how was the
meeting?"
1t was quite good. Uncle Oscar" said. Miss
Efie Prince was there"
You should have seen the change that made
in Uncle oscar. He perked right up.
Did you get bd?" he asked eagerly.
IT got bid-yes,' said trying not to look
all set up about it. And, furthermore, 1t was
all right because she hadn't sent out any in
vites yet, not being sure her Cousin Grace was
coming. And. moreover" said, I'm the first
she's given an invite to-"
why, now, that's fine. Pawley!" Uncle Oscar
exclaimed. That's greati"
And still Furthermore and moreover"
said, Miss Ehie Prince said she'd be real
pleased to have me go over to her house to-
morrow night and meet her Cousin Grace in
formal-like with cider and doughnuts"
When he heard this Uncle Oscar took both
my hands and shook them.
That's the best news I've heard since
don't know when!" he cried. That's just
splendid. Now we're getting somewhere, Paw
ley Now we've got to put our best foot forward.
I'll press them good pants of yours tomorrow.
Well start of right, Pawley Yes sirl"
The next day I shned my shoes and my
Uncle Oscar pressed my good pants and after
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1931-10-04

The thing Fife Prince holding hand
said Baby Chick loud be
squeezing Miss Fife Princes hand
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1931-10-04

N my twenty-fifth birthday my
Uncle Oscar took a pencil and
paper end showed me that 1t
would be better If We bought baby
chicks already hatched and threw
ont tho inrllbatOrS