Evening star., 1930-06-08

EluCO. 1nOuBn we are SClLl III
the dark (as is the planet) as
to just what sort of folk in
habit it, If any, we feel that surely
they are a backward people, having
permitted themselves to be hidden so
long. But now that it has been given
a name and is familiar to the postal
authorities. we feel that we really
should write them a letter setting forth
up-to-date and enlightened civilization.
Garry on with the white mans burden,
as it were. So here goes.
X
Dear Plutarians:
We hope you will excuse our writ
ing you without an accompanying let
ter of introduction, but realizing the
plight you must be in we cannot help
ourselves. Now we realize, too, that
all of your wants must surely have
been attended to by our radio adver-
tlsers-what kind of toilet soap to use,
the correct variety Of tooth paste, the
best coal to burn, how to make earthly
fruit cake and a toss-together salad
as we said, we realize that all of your
wants have been attended to by the
radio with the exception Of one thing,
and that Is, "how a real modern earthly
water front looks and feels" So don't
mind our writing, please!
\
EIRST, the water front is that por-
L ton of the city nearest the river
Immediately adjacent thereto. We might
say. You get the idea We hope. Now
follow closely If you wish to copy or
use for a model the water front of the
City of Bureaus.
To begin with. the water must be
dirty. The dirtier the better. If the
water isn't dirty. it Is suggested that
a suitable amount of sewage. oil, rub
biSh and debris be dumped into 1t
daily Be sure to use plenty Of the
first two named.
This accomplished. build docks Of the
most inefficient pattern along the
waterside and then partially wreck
them with dynamite or some suitable
explosive. In this manner you save
nature years Of labor. Permit the
scraps to float about the harbor. Now,
lease these areas on very short term
leases-say 80 days-so that the
lessees will not feel inclined to spend
any coin of the realm on improve
ment, and be sure to charge them
plenty, for these properties are val
liable.
BY placing white buoys closely to-
gether restrict what will be called the
anchorage" so that the boatiacS, as
we call them, will be compelled OF
necessity to violate laws that you will
make and thus a profitable source Of
revenue will be created to say nothing
of the feeling of good will and respect
for the Government that will ensue.
Create a park commission, water
front board, a director of something or
other and have them collaborate on
planning" but never permit the plans
to bear fruit. Just have them draw
pretty pictures of what might be some
time to placate these aforementioned
boatlacs. and In time they all will lose
hope, and the commission may turn
their attentions TO perfecting their
swing at golf and catching up q few
hours sleep. You follow us, We hope?
Just change plans often enough Is all
we ask.
A ND, oh, we nearly forgot! Have
"A a speed law Make 1t any old fig-
ure, the more ridiculous and ineffective
the better, about is miles per hour Is
about right. But by all means don't
restrict the activities of the Govern
ment or commercial craft operating in
your harbor (you may spell 1t harbour
if you wish), for if you do you will
spoil many things, the boatman will
cease to groan as his boat smasheS
into the wrecks of wharves, and he
may be able to paint up his craft
without being forced to go on cruise in
order to do 1t.
At your conferences bend n deaf ear
to the entreatieS of those boat own
ers foolish enough to emit q roar and
give your entire attention to those
engaged in selling some kind of boat
or another-from their vantage point
of salesrooms they are much better
qualified to express opinions about how
things should be run. But at the
same time make it hard for them to
do business, as We said before, make
their leases short and be careful that
their customers have no place in which
to safely keep their boats once they
become boatiacs.
1t is in keeping with the best earthly
practice to create lovely parks on
one side of the waterside and then
have gas works and junk yards on
the other, and If really pressed for
ideas you may park all your confiscated
wrecks of automobiles on what remains
of the little available wharfage, If any.
An ARCHITECTURAL freak morgue will
help matters also, if located over the
water, and the use of paint must
strictly be among things prohibited
on such buildings as do occur nearby.
this. particularly If you have one run
ming to Baltimore. That old dilapi-
dated appearance so much to be de- |
sired will soon be acquired in this |
manner. No paint!
Nov. If you have followed us care |
~ fully through this epistle we feel !
sure that you will be able to |
create a real water front that will be |
in keeping with the best earthly-may |
we say on?-standards and |
take your place among the better |
planets of our universe.
May we offer any further assistance |
that may be necessary? We shall, II
you wish, keep you posted on progress
on our water front, though II 10 not