Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1930-01-31
BY JEROME X. JEROME.

bx JEkON1E n JEHOMEs
iJerope Klapka jerome, 1sss:ls27; was a
Of sn 1ds floS Men n Sost
Told After Supper" etc.,.
The Stage Hero.
His name is George, generally speak
ing. Call me George" he says to the
stage heroine. She calls him George
Tin a very low voice because she is so
young and timid). Then he is happy.
The stage hero never has any work
to do. He is always hanging about and
getting into trouble. His chief aim in
life is to be accused of crimes he has
never committed, and if he can muddle
things up with corpse in some COM
plicated way so as to get himself rea-
sonably mistaken for the murderer, he
feels his day has not been wasted.
He has a wonderful gift of speech
and a flow of language calculated to
strike terror to the braveSt heart. It is
a grand thing to hear him bully
Raging the villain.
The stage hero is always entitled to
estates" chiefly remarkable for their
high state of cultivation and for the
eccentric ground plan of the manor
house" upon them. The house Is never
more than one story high, but it makes
up in green stuff over the porch what
it lacks in size and convenience.
The chief drawback in connection
with it, to our eyes, is that all the in
habitants of the neighboring village
appear to live in the front garden, but
the hero evidently thinks it rather nice
of them, as 1t enables him to make
speeches to them from the front door
step-his favorite recreation.
There is generally public house inn
ulediately opposite. This is handy.
These estates" are great anxiety to
the stage hero. He is not what you
would call a business man, as far as
we can judge, and his attempts to man
age his own property invariably land
HIM in ruin and distraction. His 'es-
tateS, however, always get taken away
from him by the villain before the first
act is over, and this saves him all
further trouble with regard to them
until the end of the play, when he
gets Saddled with them once more.
Not but what it must be confessed
that there is much excuse for the poor
fellows general bewilderment concern
ing his affairs and for his legal errors
and Commissions generally. Stage law
may not be quite the most fearful and
wonderful mystery in the whole uni
verse, but it's near livery near 1t.
We were under the impression at one
time that we ourselves knew some
thing-just ittle-about statutory and
common law, but after paying attention
to the legal points of one or two plays
We found that we were mere children
at it.
We thought we would not be beaten,
and we determined to get to the bottom
of stage law and to understand 1t, but
after some six months effort our brain
"a singularly fine one) began to soften,
and we abandoned the study, believing
it would come cheaper in the end to
offer suitable reward, Of about $780,
600 to 100000, say, to any one who
would explain it to us.
The reward has remained unclaimed
to the present day and is still open.
One gentleman did come to our as
sistance a little while ago, but his ex-
PLANTATION only made the matter more
confusing to our minds than it was
before. He was surprised at what he
called our density, but said the thing
was all clear and simple to him. But
we discovered afterward that he was
an escaped lunatic.
The only points of stage Flaw" on
which we are at all clear are as follows
That if a man dies without leaving
a will, then all his property goes to the
nearest villain.
But if man dies and leaves a will
then all his property goes to whoever
can get possession of that viii.
That the accidental loss of the three
and-sxipenny copy of marriage GER
tificate annuls the marriage.
That the evidence of one prejudicec
witness of shady artecedents is quite
sufficient to convict the most stainles;
and irreproachable gentleman Of crimes
for the committal of which he coulc
have had no possible motive.
But that this evidence may be rebuff
ted years afterward, and the conviction
cuashed without further trial, by the
unsupported statement of the comic
man.
That if A FORCES BIS name to check
then the law of the land Is that T
shall be sentenced to 10 years penal
servitude.
That 10 minutes notice is all that Il
required to foreclose a mortgage.
That all trials of criminal cases TAX
place in the front parlor OF the vic
TINS house. the william acting as coun
sci. judge and jury rolled into one, ant
a couple Of policemen being told OF
10 follow his instructions.
To return to our hero, the state o
the law, as above sketched, NATURALLY
confuseS him, and the william. who
the only human being who does seen
to understand stage legal questions,
easily able to fleece and ruin him. tn
supplemented hero signs mortgage;
bills of sale, deeds of gift and such Xix
LIlIlRS Vic uAlP4CocAOkA tAAGg AAC
playing some sort OF game; and the
when he cannot pay the interest the
take his wife and children away fror
him and turn him adrift into tn
world.
Being thrown upon his own resources
he naturally starveS.
He can make long speeches, he ca
tell you all his troubles. he can stan
in the limelight and strike attitudes
he can knock the william down and h
can defy the police, but these requiT
ments are not much in demand in tn
labor market, and as they are all h
can do or cares to do, he finds earnin
mis- living much more difficult than b
fancied
There Is a deal too much hard wor
about 1t for him, and he soon gives U
trying It at all and prefers to exc OIL
an uncertain existence By sponsin
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