New Britain herald., 1929-07-27
ANDY GIVES VIEWS
 ON AQUATIC SPORT
Dives Like Steam Shovel and
 Hugs Life Guards
Dear Mary Ann:

Dear Mary Ann:
 Received your postcard asking me to tell you if I can swim although you know that what l know about swimming (the only sport in th's hilarious world in which a fella can do a lot of kicking without being called a grouch) can be placed in any guys vest pocket and there'd still be plenty Of room to park his nshing license and lnGersoll. Speak Ing of water sports, Mary l enjoy them all. 'From the shore. As swimmer I'm a good ornament on the beach, or would be if my avn .ng striped bathing suit didn't make me look like a country taXicab go. ing up steep hill in low gear. But be it ever SC comical there's no shape like your own"
 Friends tell me that If I do not become panic stricken it's almost i'm possible 10 sink, especially above the ears, where I've got the same kind of material that fools a woodpecker into thinking he's on the right trail. But telling a beginner not to lose his head is as useful a bit Of 'n formation as telling a guy he'll nevet be poor as long as he's got a lot of Jack. Without boosting, I'll say ] can float, providing I'm resting on ? or oversize inner tubes but even then I'm worried stiff tor fear I'll have puncture and nothing handy to use for patches.
 My pest swimming, if any, is done in shallow water where l have con- tidcnce in my legs and their ability 10 carry we ashore. l can navigate about 50 yards in any given direction but when it comes 10 turning corners I'm outa luck like the lad who bought d secondhand airplane and found the only thing about it that vent up was the expense. After I finish this dash I've almost fin , ished myself, with not enough wind left in my lungs to get a murmur outa a sax or cause a ripple in a saucelful of hot coffee.
 While waiting for the lungs 10 gc, back to hitting on all cylinders again l realize that reaching for LuCkles instead of Sweets. hitting the hay after 9 o'clock at night, etc. hasn't { helped my batting average any. Anyone watching my laborcd breath- Ing would think I'd just finished a l0-mile marathon race, the last 6 miles at d gallCp. When beyond my depth l lose all sense of direction like a fog bound aviator, swallows enough water to make shallow div Ing for the other fella, has my ton sils almost washed out, and when hnally dragged ashore I'm ready to pass out, including rainchecks.
 And being lowed ashore ny q life guard always leaves me feeling as | happy as the burglar who got a bavling out from his wife for bring 'ng home d talking machine when he l knew perfectly well she didn't want 1 . rival in the house. I've never l oven learned to 'tread' water, winch 1 is the ability to stall your form of | loccmotion without pulling over to the curb or doing a onc-Way traffic stunt doWnWlrds. I've tried tread ing" water but gave up in disgust the day l stepped on q bottle that had become broken when somebody tried 10 get at the contents without using ;L CorkscroW.
 As a diver I'm as graceful as a steam shovel dredging for clams 0, barge getting toWed through chop py seas. All one can say for me is that at least 1 dive in the right di- rcction So that's how come, Mary when anybody asks if I can swim laughs my way outa it by saying tha; every time l kick my hoofs in an effort to get distance l always bang them against the edge of the bath tub.
 ANDY DALE.