Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1929-12-15
Suggesting Be4rds for the Limited Incomes

what do you think of my beard?" you should
reply.
Great care should be taken to make this last
remark as simply and inconspicuously as pos
sible, so that it will seem to your wife the most
natural thing in the world for you to say, Tor
otherwise her suspicious will be aroused ana
she will not answer your question in frank,
open manner. When she has finished telling
YOU Just what she thinks about your beard you
should hastily thank her. taking your departure.
and, after trsnscrbing to paper the informa-
ton she has given, you should carefully hle
it at your Office under "Beards-Persona1-
No L."
The next day the same procedure should be
followed with No 2, and so on for several sue
cessive days. Each time, however, you should
assume a different role-gas inspector, tele-
phone reparman, etc. Great ingenuity must
always be exercised in tactfully putting to her
the question about the days beard. For exam
pie, when wearing beard No. z in the guise of
a fire insurance agent, yoC should smoothly
lead up to the essential subject by calling your
wife's attention to the great number of fires
caused in the preceding year by the careless
ness of those people who go to sleep with
Whiskers in the same room where children are
playing with matches. Thus, in the course of
two three weeks you should have been able
to get very good idea of the type of facial
adornment ~ which your wife is most partial
and, with this information TO guide you, you
can, without more delay, set to work at the
task of growing the selected beard.
THEN, on the third evening after you have
made a beginning, your wife will remark,
Dear, if we are going to be in time for the
opera tonight, hadn't you better start to shave
now?" This is crucial moment; the time
for action has come; the whole game may be
won or lost right here. Your first move should
be to draw from your pocket pearl necklace,
or diamond bar pin with the words Here's
little something for you, dear" When her
EXPLANATIONS of surprise, pleasure and delight
have somewhat subsidized she will once more
remark, "And now, you dearest old thing, do
hurry and finish your shaving
At this you should suddenly stop smoking,
walk up to the fireplace and stand locking
into the flames for several minutes, clenching
and unclenching your palms convulsively be-
hind your back. Then, Strengthening up with
low sigh, you should walk over to the phono-
graph and put on Hearts and Flowers" Your
next move should be to pull down the shades,
after which you return to the fireplace, where
you stand silently for three long minutes while
the house becomes deathly STILL save for the
booming of some distant chimes and the cough
ing of the lady in the thirteenth row.
Mary" you should say, "Mary-there Is
something-I want to tell you.'
What is it, DEAR" she will cry, running up
to you. "Is it the roadster?"
mo. little girl" you should answer. cit isn't
the roadster. It's something bigger than the
roadster"
Prank" she will groan "You haven't been
driving the limousine with the emergency on
again?"
mo-" you should reply-and then, turning
to her with moan Of despair, you should cry,
ooh, can't you understand"
The flames in the fireplace will flicker and
die into cold gray ashes. And then, taking your
wife by the hand, you should look into her
eyes and say, Dear, am going to grow
beard"
There will be hush-a long, deep silence,
while she looks at you and you look at her.
Must it come-now?" she will whisper softly.
"Now," you will reply.
The fire will blaze UP quickly into one brief
bright flare. &
ooh, no-no-not thatl" she will suddenly
cry, and will sink sobbing into the depths CT
the chaise Tongue.
A ND then, as she is lying there, you should
gently talk to her and tell her what it
means to you Pour into her ears all the ar
guments all the rhetoric at your command.
Appeal to her reason, her emotion, the best that
is in her-in every woman.
Gen. Grant," you should say, had beard"
'Look at Whittier" you should add, Long
NEUTRALITY-SUSPICIOUS. Hughes
Look at the people who haven't had Boards"
you should plead-"Benedict Arnold-Hamlet-
Lady Macbeth.
why does God give us hair" you should ask,
eff he wants us to have it all OFF?
do you realize" you should urge, that
enough money is spent on shaving soap in
America to build two first-class battleships or
Ave armored cruisers?
"And has it never occurred to you you
should exclaim, "that by suppressing my natural
desire for a beard I am developing sudden
psychological complex which may come out in
our children?
How would you like your child-our child"
you should cry, Ito be born with beard?"