Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1929-12-15
HISTORIANS PLACED
RIGHT BY MEMBERS
Barnum, 1t Seems, Lived 100
Years Too Soon, Party
Is Told.
Continued From First page.>

of bespangled admiralS, tinSel-laden
diplomats, neo-Statesmen, elder-states-
men, patrioteers, Indian chiefs, lobby
lists, foot ball stars, political monStroSi-
ties and humbugs- at-large passed in
colorful review as the club presented its
impressions of the Hoover administra-
tons accomplishments with forecast
OF the future.
The approaching arms conference
will achieve naval parity. the guests
were assured, by measuring cruiser
strength with a magic yardstick-the
same yardStick that was used to place
agriculture on parity with manufac-
turing The yardstick, brought for
ward in an impressive case in response
to demands that it be exhibited, turned
out to be wholly invisible and incom-
prehensible, lust like the American
foreign .olicy.'
The Hoover penchant for naming
commissions of all kinds to ferret out
facts and deal with troublesome queS-
tions confronting the administration
did not escape attention. The commits
sion "a month club considered motion
to take a recess before this becomes
'the commission minute club. "
There was no neglect OF prohibition.
Mr. HooverS handling of the noble
experiment" and his attempts to make
Washington 1.-The model dry city OF
America were described in a liberal
adaptation of Longfellow's epic, en-
titled: The Song of Firewatha in the
Land of Many Hah-hahS," The Presl-
dents crime commission was presented
with a problem when bootlegger, in
vading the assembly to solicit orders
for Scotch, rye, gin, champagne or
anything you want, was held up ana
relieved of his wares by a hi-jacker.
In response to calls for margins"
from their brokers, distinguished
guests arose to make their bows. Amos
m Andy" arrived just in time to lend
their advice to the solution OF the buSl-
ness situation. The Caraway lobby IN
quiry was portrayed n recital OF Ar
kansas Justice. The fate of the Demo-
cratic party was foretold in a duet
sung by impersonators of John j. Ras-
kob and Jouett Shouse, their theme
being that the Democrats are always
far ahead in the yea before an cleo
ton.
Historical Defects Corrected.
Shades of venerated historians ap-
reared to correct defects of history In
the light of present day circumstances.
A revised edition of historic presiden-
tial utterances was translated into the
language that Mr.. Hoover would en-
ploy. President Coolidge's famous
do not choose to run" statement was
interpreted into There's four tough
wears ahead. Time to pack up"
President Hoover had his inning
before the evening was over. but IN
accordance with the ancient cup RUE
that reporters are never present" MS
speech was not reported. OIneL
speeches we're made by mayor walAet
of New York and Senator LaFohetIe VI
Wisconsin.
A "movie" entitled TREATS and Urea
+iee or fhe High Cost of Goodwin was
thrown on q screen at the emo OF tIie
dining hall. It portrayed the haro-
ships of a goodwill ambassador IN
washington At the close OF MS VlslI'
the ambassador, swathed IN oanoaseS.
boarded his boat at washington WhaiI
to return to his own country.
The club offered its own unVafnlSneu
version of the recent episode wherein
Senator Hiram Johnson OF CaE1ornla
found himself the single exceptloh
among the members OF the Senate lot
eion relations committee invited to the
White House dinner to Ambassador
Dawes. and in the same breath the MIN
strels managed to convey their respects
IN Senator Brookhart of Iowa, VINO re-
Gently startled the country by testnylng
that something stronger than tea was
served at Wall Street party ne at
tended three years ago.
Just as the dinner began tremeh-
dous crash was heard in the dining, Two
members rushed into the well, and as
the startled guests looked about anX-
iously for an explanation, PreSloenV
Roy Roberts of the Kansas City star
exclaimed:
noise?"
Club member-I'll bet they're keep
ing Hiram Johnson out of this dinner
by an inadvertence. :,
Another menber-Not at all. They're
keeping out Senator Brookhart, and us
no inadvertence.
Harry F. Sinclair, the multimilllon-
aire oil magnate recently released from
the District OF Columbia laii' ente avsr
carving a grip in one hand, gun over
his shoulder, and shouting Where Is
he? Where is he?"
Good morning." said club member,
ut seems TO me I've seen your picture
m the papers,.
"Of course, you have retorted Sim
clair. 81 am Harry F. Sinclair, the well
known pharmacist, and I've just
checked out of the District of Column
bia Hotel de Hoosegow."
Whom are you hunting with that
gun?" - ,s
YOU can't convict hundred million dol
lars" said Sinclair.
Lincoln Quoted" on Slavery.
The ghost of John Fiske celebrated
historian, set the club right about sew
eral little errors of history. To club
member who wanted to know what it
was that Lincoln really said about
slavery, he replied:
Lincoln said: The great issue of
slavery must be met. We are engaged
in a noble experiment which can only
be worked out constructiveiy by
searching investigation. Therefore am
amounting a commission to go into the
whole labor situation, including slavery,
which will report some time, somehow
somewhere.
Another member said: Tell us, Mr..
Fiske. is it true President Roosevelt
really wrote letter to Senator Tlllman
saving: Your invitation TO the Whlte
House dinner to Prince Henry Is with
Mr.. Fiske replied "Oh, no. What
Roosevelt really wrote was: My Dear
senator: You have no idea how sur
prised l was to read in todays papers
that YOU were not at dinner with me
at the White House last night.
The tariff fight in the Senate was re-
produced in the style of an up-to-uate
foot ball game with all the ballyhoo and
trimmings of a championship contest
AS the opposing teams took the nelo
the announcer over the loud speaker
explained the lineup and progress OF
the game up to the end of the first
half: s..;,,,
This is Station WAR, broadcastine
the foot ball game played on the Senate
pridiron between Joe Grundys ColIege
of Lobbyists and the Democratic lnsur-
gent team, champions OF the western
Conference. Believe me, folks, they sure
are running wild today. This coalltlor
team has some pep and players. The
score is 50 to practically nothing in thell
40 thew READY