Plentywood herald. [volume] (Plentywood, Mont.) 1908-current, 1929-12-12
Spelling the
Child
BY RING LARDNER


To the Editor:
| have received a letter from she
who signs herself Worried Mother,
that wants information in regards to
how to handle her = kids that seems
to be kind of a wild pair and in be-
half of other parents that maybe in
the same pickle, it looks like l should
ought to print her letter to me and
my reply to same as follows:
She writes, in a kind of illiterate
way:
Dear Sir: l been informed by the
authoritys that you have 4 children
that is probably the best behaved
children this side ct the reform school.
Well, Mr., / haven't got only "a as
many children, / of them a boy 4 yrs.
old and the other a girl, l and Il
yrs. old and l can't do anything with
either l Of them.
For inst. in the first place, the little
girl won't sleep nights and crys q
whole lot and also laps up more milk
than we can afford to buy for her.
In regards to the boy, he won't mind
anything we tell him and keeps run
ming away from home and when the
%neighborS' children comes owe to play
with him, it always winds up In a
fight and he always gets the worst OF
it as he hasn't got no nerve, II you
will pardon the slang. l enclose a
plain envelope with no writing on it
for reply and hope you won't fail to
reply"
And then she signs her name and
address which is none Of our readers
business.
My reply follows:
Mrs. Angus Simpson,
436 Railroad Street,
Crestline, Ohio.
Dear old girl:
You can bet | won't fail to reply
TO your o%vertures as | always make II
d pit. to answer mash notes from fair
ladys of the fair sex. | presume your
note was in code, but | will reply to
it on the up and up and my motto is
safety LIST and then they can't no
body have a comeback.
You been well informed about the
size of my family and you couldn't
of come to a better man to get the
desired information. Amongst my
4 children | had about the same kind
Of a struggle you are having with
your 2, but | presume you have to
give the boy the unique name of Jun
ior and probably the little girl is
called Lii.
Well, we will take up Junior. ] of
my sons about the same age had a
habit of running away from home
all hrs. of the day and finely along
come the good old summer time and
told him he could 80 bare footed,
then | went out on the st. and paved
it for d u a mile in both directions
with tacks turned bottom side up but
the little devil crossed MI by going
through the fields and the %neighbors
back yds. SO |, day ! got him out In
the wood shed and pretended like
was splitting kindling wood and by
accident the heel of my Ratchet come
down on 3 toes of his LIST fit. foremost
and the operation was successful. Him
and his parent both thought it was an
accident so to say. The way 1t Is
now, his nurse who is 70 yrs. old and
built in proportion, can roll after him
and catch him before he gets out Of
the yd.
AS for Junior not minding anything
you say, ! have Il kid that was the
same way until | aot me Il whipping
post witch can be boughten at a re-
duction In any first class post office
and after about 3 lessons he begun to
pay a tension. One day after | give
him the works, a couple of our friends
drove by in their tractor and they
seen him and stopped and said:
Hello, Stupid, are you all we'll?
No thank you, was his reply. l
am all welts.'
AS for Junior being afraid to fight,
the thing is to match him up with
Maloney and let him get some cour-
age.
Now in respects to Lii. | haven't
no gals, but the same treatment ought
r.. 10 ,Anl ,inr both hrnn1S nnA nf