Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1929-07-12

MARK Twain, whose real name was Samue
American humorist, author Of Tom Saw:
yer" HucEleberry Finn, lnnocenti
Abroad" Yankee IN King Arthur's Court
etc.
And so you think baby is thing
of beauty and joy forever? Well, the
idea is pleasing, but not original; every
cow thinks the same of its own calf
Perhaps the COW may not think 1t so
elegantly, but still she thinks it, never
theless. I honor the COW for it.
We all honor this touching maternal
instict wherever we find it, be it in the
home of luxury or in the humble cow
shed. But really. madam, when I come
to examine the matter in all its bear
ings. find that the correctness of your
assertion does not assert itself in all
cases.
A soiled baby. with a neglected nose
cannot be conScientiously regarded as
a thing of beauty; and inasmuch as
babyhood spans but three short years
no baby is competent to be joy for
ever"
1t pains me thus to demolish two
thirds of your pretty sentiments in a
single sentence: but the position hold
in this chair requires that 1 shall not
permit you to deceive and mislead the
public with your plausible figures of
speech. / know female baby. aged
18 months, in this city, which cannot
hold out as a 10y" "a hours on a
stretch, let alone forever" And it
possesses some of the most remarkable
eccentricities of character and appe-
tite that have ever fallen under my
notice. I will set down here state
ment of this infants operations ICON
ceived, planned, and carried out by
itself, and without suggestion or as
Sistance from its mother or any one
elSe), during a single day: and what /
shall say can be Substantiated by the
sworn testimony of witnesses.
It commenced by eating one dozen
large blue-maSs pills. box and all:
then it fell down a flight of stairs and
rose with a blue and purple knot on
its forehead, after which it proceeded
in quest of further refreshment and
amusement.
1t found a glass trinket ornamented
with brasswork-smashed up and ate
the glass. and then swallowed the brass.
Then it drank about 20 drops OF lauda-
mum. and more than a dozen table
Spoonfuls of strong spirits of camphor.
The reason why it took no more lau-
danum was because there was no more
to take.
After this it lay down on its back,
and showed five or six inches OF a
Silver-headed whalebone can down its
throat; got it fast there, and it was all
its mother could do to pull the cane
out again, without pulling out some of
the child with it.
Then being hungry for glass again.
it broke up several wine-glaSses. and
fell to eating and swallowing the frag-
ments. not Winding cut or two. Then
1t ate a quantity of butter. pepper, salt,
and California matches, actually TAX
ing a spoonful of butter, spoonful of
salt, spoonful of pepper and three
or four lucifer matches at each mouth
full.
Il will remark here that this thing
of beauty likes painted German luci-
fers, and eats all she can get Of them;
but she prefers California matches,
which 1 regard as a compliment to our
home manufacturers of more than or
binary value. coming, as it does, from
one who is too young to flatter.)
Then she washed her head with soap
and water, and afterward ate what soap
was left, and drank as much of the SudS
as she had room for; after which she
sailed forth and took the cow fami-
liarly by the tail and got kicked heels
over head.
At odd times during the day. when
this JOY forever happened to have
nothing particular in hand, she put in
the time by climbing up on places, and
falling down off them, uniformly dam
aging herself in the operation.
AS young as she is, she speaks many
words tolerably distinctly: and being
plain spoken in other respects, blunt