Evening star., 1928-11-04
Around the World
in an Air Bus
BY STEPHEN LEACoCK.
.HE man at the gangway: All
aboard, please, all aboard! Five
dollars for the entire tripl All
aboardl Vacant seats still in the

Clang! Clang! The gates shut, the
doors slide. the bell rings, the whistle
blows. Whiz! The air bus is of. .
Voice of the rubber-neck announcer:
Now then, ladies and gentlemen, We
are about to cross the Atlantic Ocean
During the next half hour you will en-
soy the unique sensation of being en-
tirely out of sight of land.
Looking now from either the side
or rear windows of this saloon, and
directing your gaze downward. you will
perceive the actual waters of the At
lantic, 5000 feet below us. Looking
closely, you will observe a ruf1ed or
nottled appearance of the water. This
is The waves. At the present time
what used to be called a storm or
gale is moving over the Atlantic. In
the romantic days of our grandfatherS
the passage of the Atlantic demanded
an entire week
Voice of an attendant, interrupting
as he passes through the car: First
call for lunch! Lunch served while
passing over Europe. First call for
lunch!
Announcer, continuing: The cele-
brated Christopher Columbus, who was
the first Italian to cross the Atlantic
is said to have taken more than fort
night to make the transit. Looking be-
low now, we can just catch a dis
tant glimpse of the Azores Islands, lying
like gems Of gold in sapphire sea.
Vociferous boy: Cigars, cigarettes,
candies. chewing gum
Announcer: Look below you, ladies
end gentlemen, and you will now see the
city of London. Our speed is now slack
ened down to miles a minute and we
descend to an elevation of 1000 feet,
so as to afford all passengers a full view
of Westminster Abbey, st. Paul's Ca
thedral and the other sights of London.
f. There you see st. Paul's! Notice
the roaring sound we make in going past
it,. That other noise on the right side
is Westminster Abbey That whizzing
sound below us is the Bank of Eng
land
Lady passenger to her husband:
Well, I'm certainly glad to have seen
Westminster Abbey. I don't think any,
body's education is complete without
seeing it. Didn't you feel a kind of
thrill when you heard it go by?
Polite passenger across the aisle: Is
this your first trip around the world,
ma'am?
The lady: Yes, it's our first. I've
just been dying to go for long time,
but of course my husband is always so
busy that it's hard for him to get the
time. You see it takes whole day.
Polite passenger: They say the new
line of air boats are to do it in half
day. That will make a big difference
And yet think like this slower line
better. After all, there's nothing like
taking things easy
Announcer: Coast of Germany =.
Berlinl Poland! Warsawl
Vociferous boy: Cigars, cigarettes,
candies, chewing gum!
Husband: So that was Germany, eh?
Much flatter than thought. And Po-
land looks good deal yellower than
travel for clearing up your ideas.
don't think you can understand foreign
nations in any real sense without actu-
ally seeing them.
Saloon attendant: Last call for lunch!
Announcer: Here you see the wide
plains of Russia, a vast expanse that it
takes us 20 minutes to cross. The city
that went past four seconds ago is JEFF
ferson City, formerly called Leningrad
and before that Petrograd and in early
history st. Petersburg.
Restless child among the passengers:
Mother, may run up and down the
aisle?
No, dear.
May go and climb up the ladder to
the top deck?
No, dear, you might fall of.
May go and see where they cook?
No, dear.
Well, mother, what can do?
The courteous traveller: It gets
little monotonous for the children'S
r3nacv1f ~ f1afc 11oT% Of f1aa x,0x-oryoo
The lady: Yes, indeed; where are
We?
The courteous gentleman: Over Cen
trail Asia and of course just here there's
nothing to See-just the Ural Mountains
and Turkestan and Samarcand and the
Desert of Cobb.
The announcer: In passing over the
Desert of Cobb, to mitigate the tedium
of the trip, we now turn on the radio
and allow the passengers to listen to
the latest world news coming over the
waves.
The radio, in its deep cultural tones,
without hurry: New York, 1890 am,
International Oil, 40; International Air,
81; International Fire, 81-
The husband of the lady: Gee! In
ternational Fire up to 81!
The radio, continuing: st. Louis,
nothing; New York, nothing; Boston,
one; Chicago, nothing. .....
The courteous gentleman: It's pleas
ant, isn't it, to keep in touch like this
with the news of the world? 1t pre-
vents the trip getting monotonous.
The radio: Bandits rob Chicago bank
.... Bandits kidnap teller in Denver
-. Bandits explode bomb in Detroit,
bandits steal babies from Maternity
Hospital Bandits 49,.
The gentleman: Yes, it's nice to feel
that the comfortable old world is still
close all around U.s.
Announcer: China!. =. Looking below
you can see, if you look quickly, a
Chinese rebellion. The army of Cen
eral Ping Pong will be seen in four
seconds on the right. The army of
Gen. Ham is attacking it,. BY the
courtesy of the company, our ship will
pany on either Gen. Ping or Gen.
Ham,.
The restless child: oh, ma! Can I
see the bombs dropped?
Yes, darling, look close and you'll
see.
The gentleman with the lady: How
do they arrange about the bombing?
The courteous traveller: Oh, it's done
with the International Friendship Com
mlttee, but, OF course, the company has
to bear the expense. ...... .Ah, think
that one hit Gen. Ping Pong's NUM-
tions dump!
Vociferous boy: Cigars! Cigarettes,
candies. chewing gum!
Announcer: Ching. City OF Pek1n
-. The Yellow Sea. Japan. To-
kio..
The radio: Philadelphia, nothing;
Cleveland, nothing!
The saloon attendant: Tea served in
the forward mpartment-afternoon
tea.
Announcer: The Pacific Ocean!. i.
KannskatSka! J.. The Aleutian Isles. . . .
Alaska You are now again in sight
of the United States
All the passengers: Hooray! Hooray