New Britain herald., 1927-12-10

tired in light topcoat, the temper
 ature immediately sees signal
 which causes 1t to plunge into com
 panionship with the zero mark. II
 we wear heavy overcoat, balmy
 weather is the result.
 We tried doing things by opposites
 some time ago, but there was no
 perceptible change. The weather
 immediately started playing the
 same way. We have finally decided
 to carry with us a suitcase in which
 can be found any kind of clothing
 for any kind of weather. But even | that might not do any good. We might have tornado or q
 cyclone, and then what?
 The All-America teams the whole 2,000 or so of them-haye now been picked, and everybody knows that Caldwell, Cagle, Lloyd
 Marsters. Drury, Joesting, etc.) was unquestionably the best backfeld
 man this year. We really think the only way to settle the disputes
 among the experts who select these
 teams is to pick an All-America
 eleven of experts and leave 1t to
 those thus honored to choose the
 players. But such a solution Is not
 likely to be adopted in the near future. and in the meantime we will branch out in our accustomed pioneer fashion into another untrod- den field.
 Frankly, we are sick of hearing who the best players are. We would much rather know who are the worst. Having looked into this mat ter with our accustomed care. we therefore present herewith our first No-America eleven, selected from the seasons greatest dubs:
 For the ends. the choice is not difficult. We pick Blah of the Uni versity of Hooey, for one wing. be- cause in one game he missed 14 out of 16 passes thrown to him. Of the other two, one was out of his reach The 16th he caught full in the face and it rebounded into the arms of an opponent. At the opposite extremity we place Dizzy, of Ouch & Ow college. In the first quarter of the big game Dizzy let so many runners make touchdowns around his end that he was replaced by the water bucket. On the next play the enemy halfback stepped into the bucket and tripped for no gain.
 At one tackle we would put Van der Violet, of De Luxe IT., for his refusal to tackle a player wearing dirty uniform on the ground that he would soil his finger nails. The other tackle berth we would award to Dingwall of North Dakota College of Mineralogy and Knitting. During the summer Ding wall travels with Ringling's circus IS the armless wonder.
 The guard selections are hard, but after mature deliberation we have settled upon McUnconscious and O'Dumb. both of the Orthopedic h. stitute of Backwoods. On three sue cessive plays they lined up with the wrong team and nailed their own oall carrier for losses. McUncon- scious blocked his fullback's kick on he fourth down and O'Dumb fell on t for a glorious safety which cost he game.
 At center there is no difficulty. By all odds the choice must go to Oberhaultzerbergman of the Dallas College of Swiss Bell Ringing. This selection is made on the basis of one play, when Oberhaultzerbergm made such a. wild pass from his own 5 yard line that the referee believed md ruled it was field goal for the opposing eleven.
 The quarterback position Is hand d to Flop, of the Wcehawken Deaf ind Dumb institute. Flop couldn't make his finger signals intelligent 0 his teammates, who understood he code he was supposed to wigwag h. so he ought to be a perfect cog n our machine when placed along
 idle men with no knowledge of the ign language.
 One halfback will be Chillblains, if the Seventh Day Adventist School If Ice Cutting. His record of throw ng 43 intercepted forward passes on me afternoon has never been ap- ,roached. Working with him would ,e Scum, of Hydrophohia Sex Ap- ,eal institute. Scum's bid to fame ests on the end run during the ourse of which he was thrown for loss of 760 yards, zigzagging back nd forth across the field until he vas finally thrown on Seats 3 to 9, Row 19S, Section z, behind his own ,oal line.
 Two plays stamp Weakish of the Nevada State College of Scenario Writing and Weatherproofing, as our ullback. Weakfsh, a great plung- r, always starts off with his right t, and on one occasion he was brown behind his line because he ould not move it. Subsequent 1n- uiry developed that his left foot ad been standing on it. He was lso his teams dropkicker, and in he game against Salt Lake City fisheries he kicked his quarterback or a perfect field goal from the 5 yard line.
 With a team ' 1his 1t would be ossible to defy even the attempts f the gamblers to buy off the play rs We are absolutely certain that ,o-America eleven could not avoid ,sing to the East Berlin kinder arten even if the game had been xed for it to win.