davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

Guzz right troo snake. Makes by
heem seek holes. Gradually not so bed
for hold timer simms wot | staging
a comeback! Gave trow by
deenosurr n rock in de had Hahn
not so goot-Heet install de Meesus
Observation-Disclosures like, Good
niGhti.,--Yi vi Yi.-De Meesus Stone
hatchet makes by me heyes, wemplsh
onesm Whooy!!--dot hold cow wot
she's got vat two laft fitt!, | sure il,
jem-Wot l odgebrodder from
Stonehechet yat-Yi vi! Shoppened
spears witt fieent. :. Ate eopple
frogs,
"Ho boy!! / sure got de meesery!i
DE Meesus Stonehetchet soong me for
britch from PROMISE! Ho wal--Izzy
comes--izzy guzz!-Tink wot I'll take
bout dc. elem shalls from de safe de.
post vaults / should hiding dem
irrigodless. Shoppened no.
poon,!
Jake Bonescretcher makes NOVEL
lous invention Robs togadder two
steecks wot dey boining Opt. HIM,
trite I should cook two halephants
like dees. +. It's fake. Wrep-
ped de wife arond de dome clob.
She stutt from liked---Y VI VII
Deescovered by wife on de had a
strange lofnp from deeference menu
fecture.. Not from mine tachique..
Hmmmmms!n Hev to kipp on he hice
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

you don't by any chance, want to
bet on that, do you?" l asked.
"All we need" he replied, lis a
couple more passengers. That's what's
been holding us back" he added,
since day before yesterday"
l looked up at the six people on the
seats.
"HaveA they had anything TO eat?"
| asked.
"Oh, sure" he replied. They go out
for their meals
was struck with a sudden idea.
Wait a minute" I said. II think
can do something
"All right, brother" he said.
He picked up his megaphone and
as l rushed across the street and into
q drug store / was followed by the
familiar cry of Hurry. hurry, hurry;
we're just leaving, folks"
Where's the telephone" / asked
The clerk directed me and l changed
dollar into nickles. Then l began.
The first person l tried was an old
friend of mine named Reggie Field.
] had known Reg since prep school
days, and ! had always felt that if I
were ever in trouble he would help me.
Hello. Reg" / said. This is Don
Stewart"
''Who?" was the reply.
don Stewart" | repeated. don t
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

ploma in advertising. am sure you
would find no trouble in painting a
portrait.
A good portrait. with absolutely
first-class colors, high-grade canvas
and liberal coating of shellac on Il.
sells for $4,000. As against this. you
must Offset the cost of your canvas
at least $l.00; your paint-say three
canfuls at so cents a gallon; your
shellac, at so cents a pint, and your
net return is cut down to S2.997.
BETTER WORK ON A FARM.
In short. my dear Clarence, when l
look all around you / find 1t very
hard to give you any advice that can
lift you out of your present perpleXi-
ties 1t seems that all the people who
have succeeded in front of you have
had some sort of advantage. Thomas
Edison came along just when people
began to need electric light; Henry
Ford hit exactly the moment when
motor cars were wanted.
DO you know. | think that perhaps,
Clarence. the best thing for you to
do is TO try the old-fashioned plan of
getting a Job on a farm at $50 a
month with your board. or starting
as school teacher at $40 q month?
Has it ever occurred to YOU that that
may be about your size? Your own
city was advertising yesterday for 20
good men on sewers" Perhaps you
would he peach in a sewer. Go
and try il. You'll feel more contented
anyway.
tCopyright 1927
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

the watch suddenly burst open and
scattered in all directions, leaving him
squatting there and gazing at the
stem, which he still held in his chuo-
by hst.
Isn't that always the way?" he re-
marked.
/ climbed down to the sidewalk and
helped him find the scattered frag-
ments. He put the handful of wheels
and springs carefully i'll the trousers
of his pocket and they Immediately
dropped through a hole, down inside
his trousers leg and onto the sidewalk
again.
IF it isn't one thing he said, its
another"
We gathered up what was left.
THAT watch belonged to my old
man." he remarked but it never
kept very good time
] busted off my knees.
MY father had a watch, too" / said,
and it used to lose three minutes
every week"
Its small world" he remarked.
Isn't it." replied. For instance
here we are at the corner of Broad
way and Forty. street-and in
two or three days we'll be away down
in Chinatown"
ooh, it won't take that long" he
said. well be starting any minute
now
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

and don't know 1t. One good way is
TO get hold OF two large railroads and
Join them into one small one. An
other scheme is to so around and
gather the whole of an industry into
the hollow of your hand and then
close 1t. And another is to lay pipe
lines to carry anything-ary sort of
product--to where ii has never been
carried and then open up the top
end of the pipeline.
All these things are so ridiculously
and so selfishly simple that ] share
your feeling Of indignation against
the men who have made colossal for
tunes by doing them.
But | am afraid, Clarence, that we
must try something else. All these
things / have just named take such
a lot Of time; you'd be over 30 be-
fore you really got the world at your
feet. We must find some quicker way.
HOW TO SUCCEED ON A CHICKEN
FARM.
Have you ever been attracted. as
/ have, Clarence, at the idea of get
ting back to the land, leading a real
life close to nature, and at the same
time not far from a savings bank?
Perhaps you have thought of
chickens. In New York alone, 1000.
600 eggs are eaten for breakfast and
eggs cost cents; one chicken lays 200
eggs a year: shake it UP well and 1t
will do even better; and it only eats
l forgot how little--but say next to
nothing. The profit on the thing is
obvious, isn't it. and colossal?
But ] am afraid that you may OBJ.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

tions are very simple. Try this
method:
HOW TO MAKE MONEY ON THE
STOCK EXCHANGE.
Take any daily newspaper and
turn to the stock exchange page. You
will. after little practice. easily
recognize it by the fact that it is
all full of queer little figures. With
your trained brain you will soon
learn to distinguish it from the cattle
market page.
Having got the right page, look
down the list of stocks and select
one which is about TO rise. When
stocks rise, some rise slowly and
gradually, others very sharply and
suddenly For your purpose, select
a stock which is about to rise sharply
Estimate for yourself how much
money you would like to make and
divide this sum by the amount of in
crease which the stock is about to
undergo. This calculation will give
you the number of shares which you
need to buy in order TO obtain the
amount of money which you need.
Blu stop, Clarence, / believe | am
wrong again. j forgot that you
haven't got that $4,000 to start with,
and you know how tight and selfish
the so-called banks are with their So
called money.
Let's try something else.
HOW TO MAKE A FORTUNE IN
A MERGER.
Look carefully all around for two
big enterprises that need merging
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

men heye!! Caught puccupine-I
should pooling hout from heem queels
so: she tufts me--She tufts me not
she tufts me-she---' dot doity puc.
eupine gats away befurr wot flemish.
Jake Bonescretcher makes new in
wention-makes in de grond holes wot
he puts in itch hole sidds wot ii grows
opp tings.! Hm--trite by mine grand.
fodder wot he's eating bald dees
ramedy-Sonk by heem a few sidds In
de binn, Is a fake!!-Chased puccu.
pine agan--Got two MUIR queels-She
steel lufing MEL
"Ho, hom--Grenfodder keeeks de
booklet, Beeg screp among femily
who'll gonna wear grenfodder's skoll
on de watchfob.
"Meesus Stonehetchet book in tonn.
Smecked wife on binn witt toy
baloon--No iumps-She deen't liked.
. Steel tufts me-
"Goot nooz-Deescovered patrifte
halephant in cellar. Tink wot
I'll trow poddy for geng-in Cestle
Cave yat--A swell rocket
Ho-Boy-wot poddym Meesus
Stonehetchet smecks wife witt clob--
Hm-gatting intellectually Yi.,-
Wife likes--!!--Where de hack is dot
puccupine-Caught puccupine.
Pooled bout aueel--She luffs me
pooled bout Queel-lsshe tufts me not
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
THE OTHER DAY

n o. book by Alexander Wollcott
there occurs sentence tor per
haps It Ia chapter headingl
which might well serve az the
KEYNOTE for the present install
a,ent Of this series, and il / could
only remember what that sentence
was should certainly repeat 1t here.
Rut unfortunately my memory. hke
+ha Irishman who was asked II ne
cou,d NAV the fiddle. is ALI too short,
and I must content myself with quot
ing the same idea in my own MADE
u,,ats stvle by saving simply that
$40 trim to New York is complete
without visit 70 Chinatown
And so one evening. AS MY Wiie
and | were walking down Broadway
on the second or third day OF our
wedding journey. those INES occutte"
to me and repeated them
can we'll remember her response
II was. What
rointed to a large sutobus which
,vss standing beside the curb Gay
chinese lanterns hung around the Top
like lawn fete and hard worklnS'
perspiring fat man was shoctlhk
through a meeaphone that they were
lust leaving. =,
THEY'RE just leaving, said,
For where?" she asked. in place
OF the conventional WHITTIER?
For Chinatown replied, WIN
NJ the Orient-with its gay bazaars,
its opium dens--
She shook her head.
II don't like opium" she said. IL
makes me sick" ..,,
smoke /
argued. You can watch other peo-
pie smoke it.
Who" she asked. "You?"
I smiled in superior manner.
II might try it," said, Just for the
experience"
Nv wife looked doubtful.
watching you get sick, she
stated. wouldn't be much more run
khan getting sick myself"
But Just think. dear" argued
rwhat it means to us-this oppottu-
nifty 10 come in contact with anotheT
people-to view the manners ana
habits of an altogether different race.
we can always go to Aoie irish
Rose" she countered.
Suddenly the fat man with the
"Hurrv-hurry-h he called.
Come on" urged. ut ouEhtn't to
take long. They're just leaving--
/ took her by the arm and we
pushed our way through the stunning
sisewalk crowds until we reached the
Curb. The fat man helped US into
ear seats. Painting, but triumphant, L
sat down.
We'll, we made il" | said.
The gentleman beside me on the
seat, who seemed to be asleep, opened
one eye.
Good" he said, and went back to
aleep.
IT was q little disconcerting. Behind
as, on the rear seat, were two old
ladies and a gentleman, and they
foo, seemed to have their eyes closed
A man in front of us, with a bald head,
was breathing regularly, with his chin
sunk on his chest.
rry-hurry-hurry," called the
Rt man through his megaphone.
SWe're just leaving
We waited. l read the advertising
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

KY DEAR CLARENCE:
M gather from your letter that
YOU have just come out OF
college and are about to
launch yourself upon the
world. You rightly feel that there Is
something coming to you after your
brilliant success at the university.
The high rank which you took In
English composition, in salesmanship
and in comparative philosophy. ought,
as you say yourself, to open lor you
an easy road to success.
You draw my attention 10 the
"mediocre caliber"-the words are
Sours-of the men who succeed IN
this unjust world. What, YOU ask.
d. they really amount TO? EHactly.
They don't. Their so-called success
as YOU put it, is merely due to the
accident and injustice OF the nour'
geoislstic system.
And you want some of 1t yourseH.
Precisely so, and as / am most
anxinus to help you, perhaps you VIII
allow me TO give you Few diree'
tions for exploiting the proletariat.
Ii is terribly simple. ! give you one
of the very easiest, the most elemen'
tsry, first.
HOW TO MAKE a FORTUNE IN
REAL ESTATE.
Select q piece of ground anywhere
close to a large city, and lying IN
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
ny RING LARDNER.

-o the Editor: The madam and
| got to talking il over the
other dav. and we decided that
il was little lest than Grim
iual towards the kiddies TO al
iovv my shVness to prevent me making
important money giving lectures hne
prince William of Sweden. TO DE SUR
they amt no royal blood in my Velns
though on more than one occasion
have been on parties ana oVefheatu
some fellow or gal say to another, ne
Is certainly a prince" when they couid
not of been referring to nobody out
me. And furthermore, / was ridlng on
North State street car IN chicago
one night. and a big drunk was snaf-
ing the back platform with me, ana
we took a fancy TO each other ana ne
asked me where was | going to get on
and | said Goethe street, ana ne
said, no you amt you biz sweoe,
YOU are going to get on mere. 80 J
did, though l was still nVe blocks from
my boarding house, but / often think
walking does a person good especially
late at night.
Rut that Ia either here or there.
The point is that Prince William is
touring the country with lecture on
hig game hunting and | have been
something Of big game hunter my
self, and why should ! not cash In on
IL the same as the prince?
Anyway, | am going 10 take the
plunEe only | will do all my lecturing
right here at THE Mango" in Great
Neck on acct of the madam not being
willing for me TO rip out or tear down
the different trophies and exhibits OF
the chase and carry them around with
me. and without which my talk loses
half it's austo.
1t would be folly for me TO say in
these pages all that my lecture would
consist OF and name all the different
trophies which would be connected
with same, yet a few hints OF what is
m store for them may suffice TO con-
vince my readers that their trip 10
our little nest would be worth their
time and money even though they
may live long distance off.
The first thing that attracts the
visitors attention on entering our liv-
ing room is the rat skin rug that lays
in front of our open fireplace. ]
will never forget the struggle ! had
bringing this fellow down. The first
time + had a suspicion that he WAS in
the vicinity was one day when ! en-
tered nav studio and discovered that
half Of q piece Of chocolate candy
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
Big-Game Secret of Long Island Hunter
Offered to Public as Lecture Subject

Jeffrey Amherst" and Rudy Friml's
"Vagabond Song"
The day after that, the third chauf-
fer contrived the following impromptu
trap: He drove the big limousine into
the studio, smeared the back seat with
cheese, bichloride OF mercury and It'd
bits of all kinds, and fixed spring on
the floor of the tonneau SO that the
instant a rat or vermin of any kind
stepped on it, the door would slam
shut and lock. Thus it was / bagged
our man, and at first the madam
wanted me to have him taken to an
osteopath to be stuffed, but in order to
make room for him where people could
see him it would of been necessary
to remove the chaise lunge and take
out the bookcases. SO we sent him
to q notorious skinner and the result
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

bald man sat up slowly and looked
around Then he began TO rub his
eyes. Finally he observed us and
frowned.
when did you get on?" he asked.
This evening" l replied.
He yawned..
What is today?" he asked,s
Tuesday" / replied.
How time flies" he remarked, and
with that his eyes slowly closed once
more and his regular breathing recon-
menced
"Hurry--hurry-hurry," came the
steady cry from outside,
III l only had something TO read"'
said my wife after while.
poked aside a Chinese lantern and
leaned out under the awning.
Anything wrong brother" asked
the fat man from the sidewalk.
No" l replied, Il was just wonder.
ing when we were going to start"
Were just leaving" he said.
II know it," / continued. land l
was wondering il maybe hadn't bet
ter cancel my room at the hotel for
tonight"
He hesitated a minute and then
replied.
II wouldn't do that. brother" he
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
Colors of Grapes.

THE dark red color of certain
grapes Is due TO a compound OF
tannin which all varieties of the vine
contain. The color seems to depend
on the combined action of the air,
light and heat, The change In color
is produced naturally in the vine by
means of specific ferment which car
ries the oxygen of the air to the
grape. These ferments are often the
agents of coloring in vegetable sub
stances. az they are often seen in
apples and in potatoes which have
been cut open and thus exposed TO the
air. The grapes that are white on
maturity owe the absencs OF colaring
TO the absence Of this ferment.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

said, IT'S merely a question of get
ting one or two more passengers
and then we're off.
! A crowd of young boys and girls
went swirling past. He grabbed hur-
riedly for his megaphone and called
after them,
'Hurry-hurry-hu he yelled.
ives just leaving" | waited until
he had finished. Then spoke again.
well. wonder" / said, IF would
have time to step out and buy some
thing to read?"
He frowned. Then he pulled out a
large watch attached to leather fob
from his pocket and looked at it.
Gould you be back by z oclock"'
he asked.
Tomorrow morning." l inquired.
Certainly"
NO" he said. Tonight"
looked at my own watch.
That's going to be kind of hard, "
| stated. ION account of it's already
being 9:15."
He gazed at his watch once more
and then held it to his ear. Then he
shook it,
Il guess it's stopped" he remarked,
and with that he began hitting il
against the curb. On the fourth try
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

which / had left on my desk had dis
appeared ] called in my four kiddies
and thra shed each one within an inch
Of their life but could not draw con-
fession from none of them. My atten.
ton was then called by the fourth
maid to a freshly made hole In cor
ner of the room where the floor joined
the wall a hole big enough TO let In
Coniaughton, the Georgetown suati
We had a council Of war and de-
cided to plug up the hole with the
piano. Next morning they was
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

nothing left of the piano but a few
black keyes and furthermore some
body had broke into my desk and eat
up play manuscript that even Nor
ris Gest had choked on. 1t was then
agreed by a vote of TO that / better
spend that night in the studio with
only a dim light burning and keep
as quiet as | could, But somehow
another | just could not help singing
all night that night, and as luck
would have it. the most of my selec-
lions was double fortissimo, like Lord
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

is what you will see in front of the
fireplace.
Amongst the many trophies on the
walls is the horns of dilemma. the
heads of many a rodent and the
stuffed carcasses of hundred or more
reaches which ] shot down or drowned
in our first apartment in Chicago. The
history of the Staying of these and
many other beasts Of burden will be
included in my lecture, and ! have
not named one quarter of the exhibits.
l noted in the papers that on the
occasion Of the Swedish Princes New
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

Pooled hout queel-Yi vi VI" She tufts
me-she tufts me-.
'Hesster Monday--ATine wife hes
Taft mine bad witt rocks.
rifusing should he by her responsible
for lomps, bomps, witt brooZes."
So like dees was by a cave men
day in de life from. So il should be
ripitted tree hondred witt seexty-ffe
times witt moltiplite by twanty-tou.
Sand--so Is from de Priheestorio
Peerod a complete Heestory.
blend from Chepter Furr.)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
Gross Exaggerations From Heestory:
Begins Gradually Story From de World
BY MILF GROSS.
CHEPTER TURR.
unclooting de Neandertul witt de Gro
Mennon witt de Ncoleetic witt
odder wal known brends
from Preemittiff witt
prib na at opia piDnln

MennOn witt de NcOleetlc VIII
odder wal known brends
from Preemittiff witt
Priheestoric Pipple)
n de prihecstoric Dynasty en-
joyed gradually quite long
ron from twanty.tousand yirrs
. wot de natives deedn't bodder'
cd mootch dey should take
staps it should be by dem de aXeest-
ance hop-to,date witt hall improof-
ments.
So hitwinn one yirr witt de odder it
was de same Difference wot it was
by the Cafe men dairy es follows,
wiz:
"Heaster Sonday. 4sS0O0O, B. c.
Wuk opp. Painted for tree hours a
agg-agg hetched "a deenosurr. :.
Knocked hout from de new wife a
toot from de faze. She liked.
Took "a shafe on mine fore
head. l should strott mine stoff on
de heVenue. She liked. =.
Knocked her out annodder toot und
bonced her gradually a clob huff de
dome. 49,. She liked, New
wife raises lomps witt bomps notch
more iZZily eZ de foist. (f1indication
from affectionate deesposeetion. :.
Ho K)
Broke in new lion he should be by
me k.scretcher. Ho-hom--.
MN, mine dog Fido smells halephant
queecker ez wot | do Yi,! vi! Yis-
Dees dunt looking so goot. In
hall of mine life deed you aver hold
befurr ! should be by mott, bout
sneefed??"-Sims Wot I'm troo. :.
Ho, wal could Railways take opp cave
dackOrating from reindeerS witt an
futt. Not a bed GREET arend
Chrecsmas l should making yat witt
soap fire hengines b. de geen-meels on
de mceror--Is nor?
Ho wal, bonced from de wife a
clob huff de binn-She liked.
Shot with harrow snake--Harrow
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

York appearance, customers who paid
$66 for box gained the privilege of
shaking hands with William when his
lecture was over. | haven't no boxes
at The Mango" except a couple of
box springs. but anybody who cares
TO pay S.66 to set on same is.welcome
to give me good rousing kiss either
before or after | am through talking.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
Hot KittYi

Little Mary was stroking her new
acquired kitten. when. in the exube
ance of kittenish glee, 1t began I
purr.
Mother! Mother" called Mar
Where do you shut off the gas? I'll,
cats beginning to boil"'
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06
Try This.

Student-Do you make life.size en-
largements OF photos?
Photographer-Yes. sir it's our spc
cialty.
Student--Well. do this one for me.
It's snapshot took of whale.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

lectual. If so, what do you say to
art or literature? There is an attrac.
ton for any one who is naturally a
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-02-06

iect-T am sure that you will OBJ.
ject-that the farm life is too deaden.
ing TO your soul, not sufficiently intel.
New Britain herald., 1927-10-24
WHOLE COUNTRY FEELS EARTHQUAKE MOST VIOLENT IN QUARTER CENTURY:
 SHOCKS COME IN RAPID SUCCESSION
S6,0O0 SHORTAGE IN TOWNSEND ACCOUNTS Town Begins Search for Tax Collector, Alleged
 Responsible

Townsend. Mass, Oct A UP)- X shortage Of at least 5000 in the accounts of Charles s. Liddell Townsend's missing tax collector was reported to the selectmen here today.
 Following Liddell's disappearance, Thursday. the selectmen had insist ed that his accounts were in good condition.
 In their report to the selectmen today, ihe town auditors stated that Liddell's accounts for 1924 and 1925 were practically correct" but that his 1926 accounts revealed q short age Of al least s6,000.
 It was pointed out that the records Of uncolleCted taxes aggregating an additional s10.00o were not wholly clear. and that the total shortage might be considerably greater than s6,0Q0.
 Fred J. Piper, chairman of the selectmen, was summoned to Boston today to the office of Theodore N. Waddell. state commissioner Of tax ation.
 The town auditors reported that the missing s6,0o0 had been paid by taxpayers to Liddell. who had failed to turn over the funds to the town treasury.
 Llddell left his home In Townsend Harbor Thursday morning. ostensi- bly for his place of employment in West Groton. After he had failed 10 return home, his wife notified the selectmen and wide search for the man was started. No trace Of Liddcll has been found since.