davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

Bot--you know-Cupit is de Got from
Luff-und is alrady scendels wot it's
gung on all kinds hacking witt patting
poddles occurding de. Mont Oleempus
Budd from Vice witt RETURN
POT TWO.
So irregodless it was born Cupit.
So he was romping wan day in de
wootS SO he saw dere a beeg, beeg
snake wot it was 1ost abbott to de-
wower a rebbit. So he took from de
queever a harrow wot he pushed 1t
in de bow wot he shot witt de harrow
de snake. So instat 1t should keel de
snake SO de next day was in de Roto
Saction so:
SNAKE ADOPTS REBBIT.
Bleesful sim from huff.
So Cupit sad: "Wot's dees?? Geeve
a look!! Ho Boy--me for de Merridge
Broker recket-WHOOY.r'
POT TREE.
So beezneSs was VERY hreesk wot
it was rispownsible Cupit for whole
lot from metches--lile Rummeo witt
Jooliat--Hentony witt Clippettra-
Bronning witt Pitches Hinnan, end so
fitt. So wan day it SAINT for heem
Winnus. SO he came in so he sad:
Hollis Nominal
"Hoilo Dollink!''
"Wot %, Momma5"
IT weeeh you shouia make It q
metch hetwinn hogly. mummy,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

" OURTH FLOOR.--Oohoo, nize
l. baby, lit opp all de Brossell
sprotts so mommaIl gonna tell
i you a Grick Mitt from Cupit
mitt Psykee.
Cupit was a son from Winnus, alias
Hephrodite, wot she was in Griss dc
gottess wot she won dere de Whole
beauty contrasts. SO was ulso dere
hall kinds Difference gotts witt god
desses witt deitiZZ-in feet, was more
from dem as was dere INITIALS wot
was by dem RaccuSS wot he was dc
Colt from Wheesky, witt beer witt
light wines yat-ulso Vulcan wot he
was by Mont Oleempus de weelage
hlecksmeet witt---Jupeeter, alias Zeus,
wot he was de thurman wot he was
in chodge from hall de rast from dem
witt de Meesus Jupeeter-honly in
stat she should be entitled Meesus
Jupeeter, so irrigoddless from de feet
wot it deedn't was dere Loosy Stun
Ligg-so she retained gradually de
maiden name annyhoe wot 1t was
Juno.
(Nize baby. take lit opp annoder
Brossell sprot.)
SO Juno he'd chodge from de Dip.
pottament from Merridge Licenses witt
bolts. OF cuss, she deedn't rilly he'd to
woik--was jost a wheem dem days
from de sossiety pipple wot 1t kapt de
meesus on de sit idder beauty polar
odder a Tirroom odder a Entikk shop.
So wan day she was in de huffice
geeving look de reputts from holidays
SO it few in de Stuck-so she sad so:
moo, Stuck, so is born gradually
anybody whom / know"
SO de Stuck reptile so: Him, you
know de keed witt de bow witt de
harrow wo he poses by de st. Welen-
tine Day cods?"
So she sad: you mimi Cupit?"
SO he sad: Noting helse bott!!--
I brutt heem yesterday he should be
by Winnus son."
So Juno sad vi vi VI YI--Wait
teel 1T hears Jupeeter from dees!! Goot
nitem''
So de Stuck sad: SAY! Wot for
was hired here, ha? II Jupeeter
dun't like de kind babizz / breenging
he could hire annoder stuck!,--I'm
troo!!-Besites, ] got annahoe a batter
huffer from de Hold Woman wot she
leeves in a Shoe I should be by her
de private stuck!.'
So Juno sad: "No-No-we poinctly
setisfied witt you herein feet, you
could hev Toisday hefternocn huff.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

some surplus at a time when his less
fortunate comrade has a deficit OBJ
yiously greater than his means of
payments, his duty as a Christian lad
is clear. At whatever cost to him
self let him at once come to me and
place the whole of the money in my
hands for transmission to his school
mate and ask no further questions. )"
At this point / had every hope of
completing the answers to the exami-
nation paper to the satisfaction OF all
concerned. Unfortunately, at that
very moment my eye caught sight of
the notification, which l should have
seen sooner. that all answers must be
accompanied by the transmission of
so cents.
I consulted with my collaborators
and they all agreed that we had bet
ter not risk it. They felt, as 1 did.
that our bygone education, admirable
though It was, hardly permitted US to
take a chance on it. AS Emerson said,
THE proximate possession of an edu-
cational qualification enabling us to
talk without the intervention of wires
with a person or persons in Dubuque
may well be held inferior to the actual
so cents which we can spend in Bos-
ton" Kant also added. ''If when that
which what"-but there he hit a
vacuum pocket, and / cut him off.
But the general result is that those
Of us who are still surviving with
the remnants of Victorian education
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

Ions. / could not do much with this
one. / am aware, of course, that Ion
is the Scotch for William--or Philip
and 1 have met Ion Hay and few
others. But don't really know them.
The fourth question called for a
discussion of the difference of the
was exactly the thing for Emmanuel
Kant: indeed. / found on inquiry that
Kant had answered this question
once and for all in his famous kritik.
Potential" he holds, lis all that
which when what it contains is esti-
mated in the real still leaves a per-
petual differential amounting to some
thing less than nothing" / think that
few of our radio boys could have hit
that off quite so neatly.
The fifth question, one sees at once,
rests upon a moral bar. 1t reads:
What would happen If we brought
into contact two atoms, one having
a surplus of million of electrons and
the other having a deficiency of 250.-
900 electrons?" This is a plain ques-
ton of conduct, a matter of right or
wrong. / found no difficulty in get
ting it answered by the shade of
Ralph Waldo Emerson.
He writes--or perhaps. as he used
a Ouidja board, | ought TO say he
SPELLS
IF one of these two youths Il take
the word Atom TO mean a schoolboy)
finds himself in possession of a hand
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
.ggSH mSS8H MXya# MBSM

two girls who are looking back this
way? "
THAT sounds interesting said my
wife.
NO l replied, after having read a
little more, this ends badly. too. At
least, the last sentence is But, waiter
this is preposterous.
BY this time the red cap who had
been carrying our bags became a little
impatient.
eff you'all don't mind, subj" he said
"Ah'll set these bags down fob a min
ute"
perhaps you can help us out Of this
delemina."
The colored man smiled.
"Ah think, subj" he said, that the
word you is attempting to use is
dilemma. .
l flushed, but then recovered my
self
Thank YOU" l said a little stiffiy.
Not at ALL replied the red cap,
STOPPING as he got out from under
the weight of our baggage, land than
was one othah word you misused in
the course of youah conversation, but
ahm afraid ah've done forgotten. Let
me see.'
his gray, woody head.
WAS it 'flatulent' ~? asked my
wife. my husband frequently mis-
uses that"
NO" he replied "it wasn't that"
"Well, anyhow" said the red cap
Tets get going. Where do youall
want to get to?"
1.-THE aquarium. replied my wife.
| looked at the red cap and winked.
Can | speak TO you aside a mo-
ment?" l asked.
Certainly. massa." he replied
| turned TO my wife.
"Will you pardon us a moment,
dear?" I said
she agreed, and we walked several
PAGES away.
Now here's the point" I said to
the red cap. my wife wants to go
to the aquarium and ] want to go to
hotel
The man scratched his head.
'Thet's a pretty serious problem"
he said, but not entirely insoluble."
I smiled happily.
''You mean, of course, insolvable."
He blushed a bright tan.
Have you'all got a dictionary"
he said.
searched through my pockets
II think there's one in one of those
suitcases." I said, and i called to my
wife. "Dear-where did you put the
dictionary"
1.-The WHAT" she yelled back.
1.-THE dictionary" l called. Our
voices echoed rather loudly in the
large vaulted dome of the Grand Cen
trail station, and several people turned
and looked at us. In fact. one man
with three children came eagerly up
to me.
what train did you say, mister"
he asked
1.-THE dictionary" I said.
Does that go to White Plains?" he
asked.
/ shook my head.
'It isn't a train" / said. It's
book
What book?" he asked.
THE dictionary" / replied. Have
you got a dictionary"
The man shook his head gloomily.
1--WE used to have one" he said,
"but never carried it much with me
except on long trips"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
Electric Tanning.

TT is reported that for time past
a Swedish engineer has been en-
gagged in applying an electric tanning
method in England and it is said to
be attracting considerable attention
on account of the good results OBJ
tanned. The engineer Is able to carry
out the tanning in the best way by
placing the hides in a bath in which
electric current is flowing.
The process appears to be quite
novel one and Is said to give perfect
and solid tanning in six weeks and
often less, while it is well known that
the usual tanning process consumes
several months. Then, too, the quail
ity of the leather seems to be
improved. Different sorts of con-
trolling apparatus serve to regulate
the current in the baths so as to
make the method an automatic one
during the whole tanning operation.
and set of electric safety devices
keeps the current from rising high
enough to do any damage. The whole
plant can be looked after by two
boys. so that there Is a saving of
labor. and on the whole the cost II
lower than before. Any bad work
ing is signaled by bells and lamps.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

mounstrous ront wot he should be
like Lon CLANCY yat-und a coitan
Trash yong hopstott from a high het-
fish fiepper wot she teenks wot she's
got me vat stopped
$50 wot's by her de name, Momma?'
'Psykee, Dollink.'
'Ho K, Momma is agribble by me-
"Denks Dollink,"
"Goot pye, Momma. Say, by de
way, wen you heving feexed dot statue
wot it's a disgrace wot it's brukken
huff de harms?"
"Anny aday now. Dollink. Goot
pye.'
"Goot pye, Momma.
POT FURR.
So was riting dontonn on de Sobway
Cupit so it came in a beautiful demzel
wot he stool opp wot he sad so:
Take plizze mine slit. mees."
So she sad: mo, denks.'
So he sad: lilo bot inseest."
So she said: ''Hect you hage, kivvom
Wot she gave heem "a push beck III
de slit wot it was stocking opp dere
one from de Harrows wot he gave
sect don gradually on de harrow.
So witt heff from a hover later 1t
came roshing In Moicury to Winnus
witt a night latter wot it sad so.
DEAR MOMMA JUST MARRIED
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
THE OTHER DAY

- VIEW YORK City is located in
N the southern portion of the
State of New York and is one
of the leading cities of that
section. 1t has an excellent
harbor and Is the terminus of several
important railroads. The inhabit-
ants are of Dutch origin, with fair
hair and blue eyes, although in recent
times several other races have settled
there. These migrations have had
q considerable effect upon the char
acter of the people. and the language
has also lost much of its original
purity. English is understood in
many of the shops and restaurants,
and the traveller who has a moderate
command of that language can get
along without any considerable diff.
Guilty, provided he is willing TO pay
fairly literally for what he gets.
First-class hotels are plentiful but ex-
pensive.
The two principal railroads enter
ing New York from the middle west
of America are the Pennsylvania"
anamed after the state adjoining New
York State on the wesD and the New
York Central" On my recent trip
arrived about 10 o'clock in the morn
ing. After tipping" the porter"
Clipping the porterl I gave my hand
baggage in charge of a. "red cap"
and, turning to my wife, said, Now
Nhere?'
'To the aquarium she replied.
! might add. for the benefit of those
who have not been following these
travel articles, that my wife is very
fond of fish.
But don't you think. dear" 1
suggested, that it might be better
20 80 first to a hotel and wash up"
Il washed on the train" replied
she. / might add, for the benefit of
my newer" readers, that my wife
washes on trains.
But / began, and then, see
ing the look that came into her face
and remembering that we were on
our honeymoon, / relented-or, at
least, I pretended to relent. By this
time we had walked along, the plat
form beside the train and come out
into the station, which was very large
and very full of hurrying people.
II wonder where they are all go.
ing" said my wife.
IT don't know" I replied. but /
can always ask" and as the next
stranger went hurrying by 1 raised
my hat politely and said, Where are
you going?"
lie looked at me little blankly and
replied something that l did not un.
derstand. Before ! had time to ask
him again he had disappeared.
Il don't think he understood you."
suggested my wife.
7 was a little irritated.
i was considered very good in Eng
hsh at college" retorted, land prac-
tically won the r. Gordan Snodgrass
cup for excellence in English diction
and water sports"
"T know you did. dear" she replied,
land ] was very proud of you at the
time: but don't you think that per-
haps--''
She was holding out to me the
Guide to Converse ton in New York.
which we had purchased before start
ing.
''All right / replied. somewhat APP
peased by her gracious manner, and,
taking the book, l began to look for
the section entitled AT the Railroad
Station
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

Il don't seem to find any sentences
we can use," / complained after few
minutes.
"Why not?" asked my wife.
"Well, for example" / replied,
here is a sentence beginning,
Please, sir. can you direct me to
good meat market?'"
What's the answer" asked my
wife.
l had lost my place in the Guide,
but soon found it again.
THE answer is. No." / replied.
What's the next question:"
THE next question" / continued
''is-'Well, then, would you care to
hear my aunt play upon her flute?' "
"In the Grand Central station?"
asked my wife.
1T doesn't say I replied. 'but /
presume that this covers the useful
questions no matter what station you
are in
"All right" said my wife. Ego on.
What is the next sentence?"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

different corners of the station and in
a minute they had been joined by FIVE
more.
"Oh, dear" said my wife.
What's going on here?" asked one
of the biggest of the policemen.
What's in that bottIe?"
II don't know. sir" I replied. MY
wife packed the bags"
The policeman picked up the bottle
and smelled it. Then he looked at the
label. Then he shifted it again.
1T smells all right" he said.
Il think it's pretty good" I replied.
won't you try some?"
Have you got any White Rock?"
he asked
mo" l replied, "but 1 can send for
some. And what will the other boys
have?"
A vote was taken and sent the red
cap for seven pints of White Rock
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

~ EFORE recounting the acct
dent that led 10 my rather
timely death. IL will be neces-
sary to describe the locale OF
our Great Neck home and to
name and picture a few of our then
neighbors AS is perhaps known to
a few of my less dumb readers. Great
Neck is something of a literary and
theatrical center.
Not far from lis, on Cow Lane,
lived Ed Streeter, author of the Deere
Mable" letters. for which ! received
many congratulations. In the Is
tates' resided Sam lIellman, writer of
short stories and inventor Of the pop
ular dessert, "Rind Wine" consisting
of watermelon soaked in champagne.
Up the hill was the home of Gene
Buck, Boosting a living room OF such
dimensions that SO or 100 guests often
visited the Bucks in a single evening.
each thinking he was the only one
that had come Mr.. Buck had for
merly lived in a. howell of 16 rooms,
hut, when the first baby came, decided
it was necessary TO branch out a
second little Buck has since been
added to the family, and Gene is ne
gotiating for the purchase or rental
of the Paramount Building.
Our next door neighbors in the Sum
? mer time We're the ii. Is. SSWopeS ii.
H. (SilentD Swope was an executive
editor. lie and his madam has Com
pany every week end. Company being
used in the military sense, full
strength.
IT got noised about that Emma and
] had chow every Sunday about l
o'clock, and three or four platoons of
our neighbors' Company. having gone
breakfastless owing TO the sleeping
prowess of mine host and hostess, ac-
Quired the quaint habit Of dropping
In at our haunch at about that hour
and making complimentary remarks
about our children. When this ruse
had been seen through at the eX-
pense of several fragments Of chicken
and cups of coffee, Emma stamped
out the practice by posting sign
which read TRY Our Table d'hote
Meals-SS.VU."
In other parts of our village lived
Bobby North OF the original FIoro-
dora Sextette; Ed Wynn, female i'm
personator; Raymond Hitchcock,
soft-shoe hoofer; Joe Santley, trap
and drums; Arthur Hopkins, eccen-
tric dancer: Sam Harris, the bridge
authority; Ernest Truck. the Welsh
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

well" l replied, apparently the
stranger did not care for the flute
playing ither-~hmmm-"
! turned the page quickly.
what happened?" asked my wife.
There seems to have been some
what of a fight" / replied.
who Won?" she asked.
I read farther
ut doesn't say" I answered, but
there was a good deal of i'll feeling
and the flute was broken-and the
last sentence is i think. madam, that
if you put a cold key to the back Of
your neck the nose will stop bleed.
ing.
"Oh, dear" said my wife, II hope
that nothing happens to us. Isn't
there some sother conversation for
railroad stations"
Well 1 replied. turning over the
pages, here is a section beginning
Come, Harry, shall we follow those
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

three ginger ales, tall glasses and lots
of cracked ice. When he returned we
all had drink.
WELL" said the policeman when he
had finished. I'm afraid I'll have to
be going"
$50 will l." said one or two others.
And in a few minutes we were once
more alone. My wife packed the
empty whisky bottle once more in the
suitcase, covered it with my pajamas,
and closed the lid. The red cap picked
up the bags and motioned for us to
follow him. At the other end of the
station we found a taxicab stand,
and as my wife was getting into the
nearest cab the porter began talking
to the driver There was an answering
grunt, and as / started to enter, the
porter pulled me aside.
"Ah told him to go to hotel he
whispered
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
Aerial London.
DISTINGUISHED scientist /,

A DISTINGUISHED scientist who
for several years, with the aid of
aircraft. has industriously explored
the atmosphere over London gives a
strange picture of the skyward extern
sion of the British metropolis. Some
what fancifully and yet with certain
degree of truth. London might be said
10 be 5000 feet high. or deep, for up
to about that level the air over the
vast town is Enthusiastically London air.
Between 5000 and 5000 feet above
the housetops is a region where dust
resembling chaff, filaments and wooden
iber, such. as would arise from thor
'ughfares and from the sweeping of
louses, seems especially to accumu-
ate. At least there is more there
than nearer the ground. In calm
weather aerial London becomes 10 a
certain extent stratified. From above
5000 feet one can often look down
upon the surface of the haze, as If it
had q definite limit.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

BY this time my wife had come up.
What is 1t, dear?" she asked.
I'm looking for our dictionary I
said.
What word don't you known" she
asked.
That's all right I replied.
Where's the dictionary"
She hesitated a moment and then
began opening one of the bags. AS
she lifted up the lid several things
slid out of the suitcase onto the
smooth hardness of the tiled station
floor. Among them were a toothbrush.
my pajamas, and bottle of Scotch
whisky.
Say, that's lucky" exclaimed the
stranger. Now we can have a drink"
This ones on me-" / said.
"All right" he agreed.
Suddenly. as though out of nowhere,
appeared the huge, towering bulks of
three policemen. They came from
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

comic; Oscar Shaw, gigolo; Frank
Craven, the Tattooed Man; Bob
Woolsey. proprietor of the Flea Cir
Gus: Tad Dorgan. designer of farm
and Thomas Meighan,
as 1t a Man or Wolff"
To say nothing of one of the Marx
Brothers, who had recently bought a
house, and Eddie Cantor, who had
done the same, and Il was said that
neither of them had come anywhere
near paying cash.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

But my wife wants to go to the
aquarium" I objected.
That's all right" replied the por-
ter. "She won't know the difference
and there's twice as many fish,
Where / asked
Anywhere" he replied. "In the
iobby--in the elevators-anywhere
/ smiled and thanked him. ] also
gave him a dollar. Then L turned to
enter the cab.
did you tell him the aquarium"
asked my wife.
Yes" / replied.
i've been thinking it over" she
said, land / think that perhaps we
had better go to a hotel first"
/ sighed.
''Al right. dear" I said.
/ leaned forward and explained 1t
to the driver and we started OF.
Downright 1927
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
Ancient Farm Rules.

a GREEK inscription of the NTH
century, recently discovered near
the aqueduct which conveyed water
into Jerusalem, contains a warning
both against trespass and planting
crops within Is ''podos" Us feeo Of
the conduit. To make sure the
peasant should not plead ignorance Of
the distance, the foot" IL lie inches
long, was engraved on the stone.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
Unprecedented Hake-Fishing Outcome
Is Concluding Feature of Notable Life

been fine hake fishing in the bay on
which the Lardner home fronts)
authors note: Nobody ever
caught a hake there YETI
EDITORS note: Makes the chance
of catching one all the better.)
Getting into my rowboat, put on a
No. 2 bait. a combination of a cock
roach and the kind of salad they
serve you in hospitals. 7 thought per-
haps a hake would eat it, as nobody
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

1t was doubtless as result of this
environment that the thing happened
to me. / got up one morning, and
after my customary plunge down the
staircase. l took my finger exercises,
consisting of pointing first one finger
and then the other at my wife. She
made the remark that it would be a
nice day to go out in the bay and f1sh
for hake.
Editors note: There has always
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
Paper Buildings.

DIAPER and seven other ingredients
i which are being kept secret are
used in a new cheap building material
invented by Serbian sculptor, Yovan
Peshitch. The product is lighter than
brick and is said to be fire and water
proof, fire merely softening 1t a little.
Its only limitation is that 1t is insult
able for buildings or more than two
stories.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
Progressing.

Judge-Look here. Rastus. didn't
you tell me the last time you were
up for stealing chickens that IL let
you off you would do better In the
future?
Rastus- Surely. Judge. surely. Dis
Anne it's turkeys.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

else would. / had hardly made my
first cast when
Editors note: At this point the
authors memoirs are abruptly termi-
mated. The coroner's jury brought in
a verdict of death by being hit in
the stomach by q bake"
authors note: Or death from
stomach hake.)
THE END.
(Copyright, 1927
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK

r T is proper to state at the outset
that ! received my education in
the years that lay between 1875
Il and 1885. This represents a sec
ton of what is now called the
Victorian period. and there were lot
of us-Queen Victoria and Mr.. Glad
stone and Daniel Webster and Long
fellow and Ralph Waldo Emerson and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02

OxCUSE OSS LUFF WITT KEESES
CUPIT WITT PSYKEE
BRIDAL SCOT HOTEL REETZ
ETLENTIC CITY"
QIm. sotch a dollink baby-slte opp
hall de Brossel sprottsl
Copyright. 1927
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1927-01-02
AUTHORITIES IN Personalities Excel Their Own Games

feel that we must either take course
in radio or die. We have not yet de-
cided which to do.
Copyright. 1927