davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
Right Chewing VS.. Health

DARIS, Jan. 2.-"Cbew your food
with your mouth Closed advises
DR.. Pierre Gngey, the "Dr. Kellogg Of
Europe"
This is the sure and certain road
to health, according to the French
dietitian who studied human ills for
many years before discovering that the
root Of many evils was not closing
the mouth when chewing.
BY keeping the mouth closed, DIR.
Gagcy explains, the food is masticated
much more thoroughly and cannot en-
ter the alimentary canal until it is
reduced to a semi-liquid state.
The real reason why many people
do not make mastication a daily prac-
tice most often comes from physical
disability, sometimes it is a short up
per lip, sometimes bad teeth or a
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
COMEDY IN AMERICA
THE TEST.

THE TEST.
He: I went to hear a memory ex.
pert lecture last night.
She: Was he good?
He: Nav, he forgot to show up.
Pennsylvania Punch Bowl.
Judge: What happened after the
prisoner gave you the first blow?
Witness: He gave me a third one.
Judge: You mean a second one?
witness: No, gave the second
one.
Hamilton Royal Gaboon.
In Hoboken, N. J., a young fellow
shot and killed two professors. and
then burned down the school house.
Boys will be boys.
Michigan Gargoyle.
Mack: I've sworn off Of corn
liquor.
Helen: Tn 30 proud of you. J
Mack: Yes, that stuff always made
me sick. I'm not going to drink
anything except wine now.
Texas Ranger.
why 30 glum, Oscar?"
I'm bothered by a terrible strain
what kind Of strain?,
The strain of music my wife
sings
Okla. Whirlwind.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
Downing an Ancient SANDER

LOW often it is that we hear the
question, rs there really such a
thing in the world as unselfishness!
Is not our fine talk about this divine
virtue all -ysh? When put to the acid
test Is it not always found to be the
case that the great number is Number
Onew
Many Of you have read the "Max-
inns" Of Baron Rochefoucauld, and
you will doubtless recall what John
Stuart Mill said about them, that they
are "unanswerable from the viewpoint
Of the selt-seeker and the cynic."
Like sees like. As a man thinketh
in his heart, so Is he-and so is the
rest Of the world.
Putting history wholly aside we can
say from our personal observation
that there are men and women who
are quite forgetful of self and who
live solely to serve others.
There are deeds that are done pure
ly for '1ove's sake" or in willing
obedience to the feeling of Duty which
shrivels up every consideration Of
Self, as the hot furnace ticks up the
autumn leaves that are thrown with
1t.
1t is probably quite true that these
noble souls are the happiest to be
found on earth, but the happiness
comes to them by the way rs it
were. They do not deliberately go
forth to find it, it finds them doing
their deeds of kindness and love.
There are men and women in every
community whose supreme air and
desire is to make themselves the
means Of happiness to those about
them.
Their reward is the consciousness Of
the fact that they are trying 10 make
the world a better and more joyful
home for mankind and beyond this
they have no thought Of any compen-
sation.
Theories to the contrary notwith-
standing, ! am sure that l personally
know Of such blessed souls-men and
women who ado Gods will and know
it not" who go about their daily
tasks Of doing good as naturally as
the bee flys to the flower or the bird
sings to the sunrise.
To claim that these beautiful souls
are thinking primarily of their own
happiness is as absurd MS it is bru.
tally false.
sgsN claim argues an abysmal ig-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
A NEW YORK NOVEL.

1t was Ebenezer Eggnoodle's firs.
trip to New York, but from all that
he knew of the big city information
CLEANED from those whose first trip
was still only a sigh he might easily
have been one of Peter Stuyvesant's
descendants. Foremost in his mind
were the stories of the bandits who
held you up on the street in broad
daylight.
He promenaded up the street,
hands in pocket, and a grim, defiant
look on his face. All he got for it
was a few amused glances from sew
eral passers by. He shopped a bit,
accommodating all sorts of trifles for
the home folks: several strings Of
beads at fifty cents each, a leather"
wallet, "gold" wrist watch, etc.
With these clutched tightly In his
hand and the aforesaid grim look he
waited on the corner for q bus. Sud-
denly a man, cheaply dressed and
suspicious-looking, walked quickly up
to him. took one of the strings from
his hand. gave him q dollar and
marched off.
%. G. N. 7. Mercury.
Birch: I kissed her when she
wasn't looking.
Bark: What did she do?
Birch: She wouldn't lok at me the
rest of the evening.
Oregon Orange Owl.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

tongued tied too tightly to the vase
Of the mouth. All Of these can be
easily corrected and chewing with the
mouth closed will follow.
Stomach ailments, headaches and
many other Inconvenience disappear
like magic when one learns to eat in
this manner, say all the pupils Of
DIR. Gagey, who have tried out the sys.
TEN.
at isn't so much what one eats as
tho way one eats it." declares the
masticntor. almost any food can be
easily digested and assimilated il II is
first masticated properly.
"Then there is the economy side
Of this question as well. The appe.
tite Is satisfied much more quickly
and one is bound to eat much less
all Of which is not to be shifted at In
these days Of high prices.-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

the nobler attributes OF humanity.
For let II not be overlooked tina
1t L. very often the case that self
sacrifice Is attended by great suffer
Ing Of body and innumerabe physical
privations. Repeatedly is 1t true that
doing good TO others means seK-denia
on the part Of the one doing the good
Speaking after the manner Of men,
what sort Of happiness was It that
lured Father Damien on his Journey
to Malokai lepers1
What sort Of happiness was 1t that
called Grace Darling out into the
storm-tossed sea 30 save the ship
wrecked ones, when the chances were
a hundred to one against her ever get
ting back TO shore again.
What sort Of happiness was It that
caused the Apostle Paul to mako those
missionary Journeys. which involved
all kinds Of "perils." and privations,
and dangers, even the danger of death
itself7
II amounts to nothing to say that
people of the stamp of Father Damien,
st. Paul and Grace Darling. enjoy
doing such things. i use the word
"enjoy" In the sense In which It is
commonly understood, and In such,
sense It Is impossible for any one to
enjoy the things that are b be en-
dured BY those who tread the path Of
altruism.
o yes! o yesl Unselfishness is
not only possible, It is fact, one Of
the most glorious facts In this strange
old world.
Times without number In the course
of human history, men and women,
flinging away the thought Of self as
one might fling a rock into the sea,
have joyfully given themselves upl
to the larger cause.
And what men and women did in
the long ago men and women nre'
doing today-forgetting self, forget
ting all though Of personal gain or
loss, while they throw themselves intoS
the service of the Common Cause,
fully prepared to labor for that cause, |
to suffer for Il, and II need be to die
for It.
Cynics and croakers to the rear
The actual world gives the lie to your
SANDER upon humanity. Humanity is
grander fact than Il appears to be
from your narrow world Of craven fcar
and selfish greed.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
THE B E ST
JANGLES

JANGLES
Lift up the bumpers
To Carrie McBing,
She never says
That's the insidious thing"
A flapper Of wisdom
Is Florence Gillette
One week she's blonde
The next a brunette.
We give tin medal
To Blanch Ida Ball
She won't wear flesh stockings
She wears none at all.
A tear and sigh
For Teddy Blair
The grease caught fire
On his hair.
A blushing beauty
Is Mary Rose y
Her rouge missed fire
And hit her nose.
U. Of Wash. Columns.
rs Benny sore at me?"
"Sore! Why, he talked about you
for ten minutes and never mentioned
your name once
u. Of Wash. Columns.
Il was surely embarrassed the other
night when made break in front Of
my girl"
"Oh, chagrined?"
"No, she laughed
Wesleyan Wasp.
"Did the Indians have any distinct
social groups?"
"Sure. Haven't you heard Of the
Indian Clubs?"
70 Creading poster): Two minus
with but a single thought.
'27 (nastily): Musta been collitch
girls.
Illinois Siren.
Delirium: They tell ne you're
smoking Y. NJ. c. A. cigarettes now.
What are they?
Tremens: That's the brand that
Young Men Cast Away.
Scream.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
Listen, World!

Its perfectly terrible, Elsie, the
way Frieds is wrecking Dorothy
afe,- writes Aunt Margaret. Il don't
care If Frieda is ny own sister, !
haven't a bit Of patience with her.
Dorothy is wonderful girl. She's 81
now, and II she were given half q
chance shed make a big record for
herself. ] want her to take a good
secretarial course. But Frieda in
sists on her staying home and doing
the Homework. No, she doesn't over
work her, but she's making a Epineless
house-cst of her. The girl won't have
an idea in her head in another couple
Of years"
you Just ought to hear Margaret
rave snorts Frieds. That's Just the
way with old maids. They always
think they know how to bring up chill
dren better than their own mothers.
She's always telling me what 1 ought
TO DO with Dorothy. As If / didn't
know what was best for Dorothy"
Jaw, gosh, I wish I could be my
own boss, Just for once" signs Dor
othy. Mother wants me to do one
thing and Aunt Margaret wants me
TO do anothe<s but no one ever asks me
what I myself want to do. They
all act as II I was a little kid and It
makes me sick. Don't you think they
ought to realize that a girl Of q has
a mind Of her own, Elsiei"
There you have q situation that
occurs in almost every family. Some
times the subject is a girl, sometimes
a boy. Sometimes it's q child-some-
times a parent But always there is
someone who is being bossed and al.
ways those who are doing it cay it's
for his. or her "own good"
The human race has gotten by with
this for your own good abb for a
long. long dine. Doubtless the orig
insl Mama Tadpole bossed her
squirmy progeny under exactly the
same pretext. But at last we're be-
ginning TO discover that bossing is bad
business, no matter how pious the
preteIt.
LITTLE children need guidance. Lots
v it,-so DO idiots and criminals. But
IN ounce Of self-determination is
worth a ton Of domination in even a
hid. woman, or an outlaw.
When domination takes the place Of
slf-detcrninsiion In a free. intelligent
dult Il hsnanes a crime against hu-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
A GOOD GIRL

A college student on his return from
abroad had just stepped off the s. s.
Paris and staggered by the customs
officer without making the slightest
pretension of presenting his bags for
inspection.
"Say. where do you get that stuff"
the officer growled.
Sorry, old man, hic but sh all
gone"
Carolina Buccaneer.
Truth: How can I compliment that
hideously ugly woman? Why, her
eyes have a beery look.
Full: oh, just tell her that her
eyes are like liquid pools of am
Der.
Black & Blue Jay.
Ny alarm clock may have short
legs but il sure can make time.
Cornell Widow.
Shoe clerk: What size do you wear,
madam?
The Madam Herself: How dare
you tempt me to lie?
-Notre Dame Juggler.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
GETTING THE UPPER HAND

A Treatise on How to Do II.
Is it that you feel that a woman is
your superior?
The first step is to get rid Of such
a feeling. Say TO yourself, twenty
times a day, "She isn't, she isn't, she
isn't."
Such a repetition is very efficacious.
Next, go out on a date with one of
the opposite sex. She may attempt
to make you feel cheap. If so, draw
yourself up to your full height, look
her sternly in the eye, feint at her
ribs and hit her forcibly in the mouth.
If that does not slow her she will be
SO busy picking teeth up that she will
not have time to come back at you.
Perhaps she will request that you
leave the house.
Light a cigarette, drag slowly on
1t and say, II won't leave your
home!"
This will take her by surprise and
the least she can say will be, "Why
not?'
Then answer. "If you make me
leave the house I will not leave one
stone of it upon another" unless,
of course, it is a brick or timber
house.) 'In other words, I will wreck
your domicile."
Now, she will think too much of
her family to want her house de-
stroyed and so she will be whipped.
She will then say, "Are you treat
ing me so because you love me?"
You have got her now, but be care
full.
Say, ooh. for goodness sake, what
conceitv'
She win burst into tears and sob.
"Then you hate me. Boo-hoo-hoo."
1t is time now TO soften. Say.
There, there, little girl, I like you"
(She is smiling through her tears.)
"Oh, thanks - she will say and melt
into your arms. Let her melt, even
aid her, you have her roped and can
afford to be magnanimous.
Wabash Caveman.
She: What are your views on kiss
ing?
He: / have none. Her hair al
ways gets in my eyes.
Vanderbilt Masquerader.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
NEW THERMOMETER
REGISTERS HIGHER

NEW YORK, Jan. DIR. +. r.
Berry, assistant director Of the
Thomson Research Laboratory Of the
General Electric company, announced
the discovery Of a thermometer TO rec
ord temperature up to 1900 degrees.
This degree Of heat is twice as great as
any which can b. recorded By the best
mercury thermometer, DR.. Berry said.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

should be allowed to make her own de-
cisions and buy her own experience.
Character can't be forced on US from
without.
Character must be built from within.
And it isn't worth q boot, unless It
is built from within.
Aunt Margaret's plan for Dorothy
may seem superior 70 Mother Frieda's
plan. Aunt Margarets plan would
doubtless give her big advantages and
bring her into an inspiring environ
nent Whereas. under her mothers
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

nETROlT, Jan. John Tches-
nokoff, who says he is an aristo-
crat related to the Romanoffs Of Rus
STA and former officer in the imperial
Russian army, has divorced Marie, his
peasant wife, before Judge Alfred J.
Murphy.
And Marie, In Russia, under the
Bolsheviki, will give thanks when she
receives word of the divorce. Tches-
nokoff said, for between them there
never could have been love, and both
knew it. 1t was a marriage by a gal
liant officer to save the life of poor
peasant girl, according to the story
unfolded before Judge Murphy.
Tchesnokoff was graduated as an
electrical engineer from the University
of Petrograd. When the war broke
out he was given an officers commits
sion and assigned to duty on the Ger
man front. Then came the revolution.
Tchesnokoff was ordered to return
from the front and defend the town of
Quebeu, which was to be attacked by
the Bolsheviki. This was in 1919.
GIRL PLEADED AID.
The Bolsheviki were a determined
lot and far outnumbered the loyal de-
tenders of Quebeu. Soon it was evil
dent that the defense would be over
powered and the population Of the
town was thrown into a panic.
"Then,' Tchesnokoff told Judge
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

why the look Of detection. Bill"
Jaw, shueks, the coach told me I'd
never make q good broken field run
ner.-
81 don't see why. You have been
chasing over plowed ground all your
life"
Texas Ranger.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

garet's plan is just as bad for Dorothy
as Mrs. Frieda's, for both plans leave
Dorothy as spineless as she was to
begin with.
The only program that will help
Dorothy at the age Of p is the plan
she viii make for herself, If allowed to
do so. DOrothy's plan may, probably
will result in many mistakes. II may
complicate and muddlel her life. 1t
may cause her to be laughed at and
talked about. It may cause her fam
lily great anxiety. Nevertheless, that's
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
Suit Reveals Calamity

Murphy, -the most beautiful peasant
girl I had ever seen came to me. She
asked me to marry her, for she knew
as the wife of an officer she would be
allowed to accompany our retreat to
Moscow
Then ensued battle between pride
OF family and a desire to save Marie's
life, he said. Both knew that Marie
could never bs accepted in his family
as an equal. The marriage. from the
standpoint Of his social status, was
simply an impossibility.
MARRIED IN 1920.
"But hated to see her die" said
Tchesnokoff. Il married her January
8, 1920, and took her with me to Mos
cow"
On his arrival in Moscow Tchesno-
koff was assigned to Constantinople.
There he remained two years, he said.
When he came back to Moscow he
called on Marie.
ave both knew we could never live
together" he said. Il said goodbye
and came to the United States. In
taking steps toward this divorce, I
asked her to join me here. But knew
she would refuse. She did. SO 1
charge her with desertion.'
Tchesnokoff, who Is now employed
as a machinist intends to marry an
American girl.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

She: I've invented new face
powder which can't be kissed off.
1t: Don't you need someone to
take charge Of your proving grounds?
Stylus.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
Domination

the only way Dorothy can learn to live.
The thing that 10 true of Dorothy
is true of the youngster in your home.
You've no more right 70 dominate
a son or a daughter over 81 than you
have to boss King George.
That life is now ready to shape its
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
By I. B. Gregory

Of the finer claim, like birds
the of the making tw
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

left IL to you after seeing you twice.
so you remember way back to he
Revolution, do your"
"Yassa. De Revolution and Gi'nl
Washington an all Them"
Perhaps you were 4 witness Of the
fall Of Rome?"
"Nossa, All didn' exactly 80 It.
but All rccollect hearin' somethin'
drop!"
West Point Pointer.
God made the country, but Il took
man to make the country club.
Pitt Panther.
II feel funny, Doctor. What shall
I do?"
go on the stage
MINI. Ski-U- Nah.
"Does this porcelain esg serve Its
purpose?"
Eyes, SIR, It can't Be beat
Brown Jug.
Dumb: Did you know some states
prohibit the marriage of the feeble
minded?
Dora: why, no; ] thought we could
get married anywhere.
Black and Blue Jay.
Last evening, sir, I distinctly saw
my daughter sitting in your lap. What
have you to maker
II got here early. SIR; before the
others"
Michigan Garsoyls.
Eve knew better than to try tempt
ing Adam with anything she had
cooked.
-Drsxerd.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03
By Elsie Robinson

h And Of love pn Dorothy would lead the life Of
justify healthy young cabbage
Which, in this instance Wherefore Aunt Margaret feels
that neither Mama Aunt her righteous admirable
manipulate
life. That privilege nj responsibility sib..
belongs Dorothy herself as matter fact Aunt
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-03

been stu more astonishing n she b
Brown jug.
"How Old Is that flappsri'
SIn hsr early nicoteens."
Missouri Outlaw.
5usanf What makes Florence
Mary, She got the most votes I
being popular.
Columbia Jester.
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-11-13
Simon Peters Post
Observes Armistice

In most fitting way Simon Peters
Post of the American Legion OBJ
served Armistice Day at the Com
munity House, which is a memorial
house to the memory of ex-soldiers
and sailors. At $50 delicious han
uuet was served with Elton Mark
ham, who was cook in Company e,
acting in a most efficient way as chef
and again demonstrating his ability
in the culinary art. Other members
of the committee who assisted Mr..
Markham were Roy Pooler and Walt
err Thornhill and they were assisted
by Commander Lyle S. Moore. APP
propriate caps of paper were worn,
making the scene look gestive and
bright colored. At intervals during
the banquet, community singing Was
entered into with spirit, led by DR..
Raymond r. Derbyshire, who, not a
service man, has often rendered valu-
able assistance with his musical tall
ent, to the post. Mrs. Marion T.
Oddly presided at the piano.
After the banquet Col. Sherman n
Shumway, a past commander of ST.
mon Peters Post gave the address.
In a most interesting manner he told
the story of George Gilboy. who was
the first to be awarded the Congress
sional Medal and added an item of
special interest to the men of Simon
Peters Post when he stated that
Walter Thornhill, who was one of the
committee who was in charge of the
observance, was with Gilboy when he
was killed. The post was fortunate
in having among its members a
Of Col h,,,, oh oto
who could so well enlighten and en-
terrain them at this observance
party.
One of the most important features
of the evening was the presenta ton
of past commanders badges. Thl1e
have been eight commanders ana of
the eight, five were present to re-
ceive the badges. Those present
were Captain John Weston Healy,
Col Roy l.. Marston, Col. Sherman
n. Shumway, Earl Patten. and Walt
er Lessard. The three not present
are b. Irving Rice, Dan Steward and
Harold c. Woodbury. The presen-
tation of the badges was well per-
formed by the, present commander,
Lyle S. Moore.
After the presentation the COM
pany including 155 repaired to the
auditorium where dancing was en-
Joyed with delightful dance pro-
gram played by Marion T. Oddy's
orchestra. For those who did not
care for dancing. cards were ar
ranged and in its entirety the 1926
observance of Armistce Day by the
Simon Peters Post was a wonderful
success and much enjoyed event.
Members of the Ladies' Auxiliary
ana friends who have aided the Lee
elon men when they have given
SHOWS and otherwise assisted them
were the special guests.