davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-10-24
GROSS EXAGGERATIONS -- In the Joolery Store

LIST A TRICK. .WODDERS FROM
A HOUR A DAY" wOT lT--..!..
Manager-Sh-rlea moment.
sir. step this way, please-er--no no
nothing at all. officer-er--allow me to
see the watch. please--Ahem. Mr..
Snappenbacke take care Of this gen
tleman. please
Clerk-Hm. now what seems to be
wrong with the watch?
Mr. Feitlebaum-so dat's you beez
ness YOU should find hout..
Clerk-Hm. mm-Yes. er---let's see
something probably got into the
works no doubt--and--
Mr.. F'eitlebaum-Yas. yas-of cuss
TO be sure" We messing last wick
metress from de had-so you1l seeve
gradually look witt de fulish micro
scope wct you wering in de heye so
youll And it dere maybe insite--ha?-
Mmmmm. Attand plizze de- watch.
Clerk-Hm-let's see. when did YOU
first notice that all WAS not well with
Evening star., 1926-10-24
Earth Pillars.

COLUMNS Of pillars Of various min
eral matters, sometimes Of great
size. have been found by geologists.
They are said to have been formed by
unequal weathering.
Similar ice pillars are sometimes
seen on the surface of a glacier, due
to the protection Of the ice from melt
ing under the heat of the sun by the
shadow cast by the rock mass.
There are rain-made columns con.
tanning many large stones near Ante
lope Park in small tributary of the
Rio Grande. The stones protect the
portion beneath them from the rain.
When the waters descended. the walls
being made first. they formed the
columns shown. Some Of the columns
are 60 or so feet high, and some 400
feet high.
In certain districts sandstones have
been split and left in fragments, re-
sembling huge single stones that so
closely cover the surface that in many
places one can leap from stone to
stone without descending to the
ground. These stones are frequently
Of considerable size. many of them
being from 90 to 25 feet across and IL
feet in thickness.
Stones OF TINS character have been
employed for the formation Of the So
called druidical circles. and are there.
fore called the druid-stones. Some
times stones OF this character, from
their resemblance at a distance to a
flock Of sheep, are called gray wethers.
Evening star., 1926-10-24

were preparing to climb up the side
of the building"
That's strange" said the lady.
DO you know any human fiies?"
asked.
The lady considered. Then she
hook her lead.
NO" she replied lat least. ] don't
know any female human flies"
Neither do H. ] said. and there
was an embarrassing silence.
Maybe there aren't female human
flies suggested the lady.
III there aren't. I replied, what
i. that 'ady doing. climbing up the
side o. thai building: And besides"
added how coud there be any
little human flies if there weren't
females?
1he lady blushed.
Let me look Aes in I asked.
The lady opened her mouth. At
thet moment the dentist appeared.
II b. & ,our pardon he said some.
what cold!y. and started to withdraw.
'Oh, Doctor" said the lady. II have
been waiting for YOU all morning"
Indeed said the dentist. well,
evidently you have found some one
who can lake care OF you better than
T." and he once more made as though
to return to his inner office.
"Oh. please don't be angry. DOCTOR
pleaded the lady. This gentleman is
not a dentist at all"
"A likely story said the dentist.
with a slight sneer.
"Oh, dear" said the lady. and, turn.
ing 10 me. she pleaded, cant you do
something's
Doctor" said. this lady's story
is the truth"
at is. 1t is" repeated the lady.
This gentleman is nothing more to
me than--than Yesterdays laundry
I'D hardly say that" | remarked.
not without A certain amount OF
dignity.
The dentist paused, obviously
struck by her sincerity.
Didn't ] see YOU A the dental con
vention in Syracuse In '0s?" he asked.
I shook my head.
Il have never been in Syracuse"
replied
The dentist walked over Ia the table
and began looking through more or
Evening star., 1926-10-24

"All right" he said Let's forget
it,"
Good" cried the lady
II was a bit hasty." said the
dentist. land hope that you did not
mind my taking you for a dentist '
Not at ALL l said.
you see." he went on. II am very
jealous Of this lady's teeth and I
don't want any one else to fool with
them"
Il wasn't foolins with them" I
said Honest. I wasn't
II believe YOU said the dentist,
"and how would YOU like to watch
me while l work."
ION whom" ! asked.
"On this lady here" replied the
dentist.
hesitated. The lady put her hand
Please" she said. and then she
added, "Noblesse oblige."
"All right" l agreed.
We went into the dentists Office.
The lady took her seat in the chair.
The dentist picked up small drill
and gave the wheel one or two turns
with his foot.
Now" he said. open wide"
The lady opened wide.
Have you ever been to Paris.
asked the dentist.
"Who?" l said. "Me?"
Yes" replied the dentist. and he
bent over the lady's mouth.
"No," replied, "but I am thinking
of going there on my honeymoon"
The dentist paused and turned
| around.
We'll, we'll" he said. $50 you are
going to get married"
YES" I replied.
"And you are going to Paris on
your honeymoon
Yes
The dentist sighed.
"Ah. Paris, Paris" he said and
he bent once more over his patient
wider" he said. The lady com
piled The dentist looked at his
| drill and smiled sadly.
Some Of the happiest Gays Of ray
life" he said. were spent in Paris. .
| He looked up at me.
"Paulette.' he said, was a very
| lovely girl"
~ don't doubt it," | replied
Evening star., 1926-10-24
Continued from Third Page.)

the cable route provided the Army's
engineers with information that per-
mitted them to lay out route for
the new cable which avoided locali-
ties where undue stresses would be
placed on the cable. The War De-
partments cable ship was equipped
with a sonic depth finder. enabling
her master to check the depths and
contours Of the bottom during the
laying Of the new cable. The result
in saving Of cable and time to. lay
The cable. due 10 the study Of the
snnic derth-fnder charts. made con-
siderable item In economy.
Another use Of the sonic depth.
finder recently has heen made in CON
nection with the Internal onal ice
natrol off the coast of Labrador
Since the sinking of the Titanic. the
Navy and the Coast Guard have
patro!led that area Of the North At
lantic where drifting icebergs form a
serious menace to ships during the
late Spring and early Summer AS the
bergs are located. their positions are
plotted by the patrol ship and the in.
formation is then broadcasted by the
various navel radio stations. first be-
ing checked up and disseminated by
the Hydrosra phic Office of the Navy.
The Coast Guard points with we'll
deserved pride to the fact that few
bergs have drifted into the trans
Atlantic steamer lanes which are not
under the eve of the patrol.
Their work. however. has been
rendered very difficult by the heavy
foks usually present with drifting ice.
1t was with view to overcoming this
difficulty. to aofne extent, that the
latest navy-typee sound receiver.
Evening star., 1926-10-24

If you insist" she said graciously.
| threw away the match.
"Noblesse oblige." said. with a
slight bow.
Are you French?" she asked.
No" replied.
II didn't think So she said
Why" ] asked. was anythin,
wrong with my pronunciation?"
1T doesn't matter" she said, and
she once more opened her mouth.
What do you see?" she asked.
l looked
Il seem to see A dark man" | re
piled. after minute. with mus.
tAche. DO you know any one named
Hobart, or perhaps Gus:'
The lady turned pale.
is it George" she ASKED.
Yes I replied. That's ii. George
He seems to be in trouble Of some
sort"
20. dear said the lady. What
kind Of trouble
can you open little wider?" 1
asked
She compiled.
is this George" I asked. con.
nected in any way with a tail build
ing? l seem to see tall buildine---or
maybe it's q couple OF ;all buildings"
No" replied the lady.
Are you sure?' asked. Think,
Two tall buildings"
The lady considered.
Gould it be two soft boiled eggs"
she asked
ia George connected with two soft
boiled eggs" I demanded.
No" she replied.
"A little cooperation on your part
will help me quite bit" l said. I'm
not doing this for the fun OF it,
I'm trying TO think she said
Two tall buildings. Hmm"
wait a minute" I said. "A woman
is coming out If one of the buildings. "
The lady gr"aned.
That wou'd be her" she said.
That Won q he she" I corrected.
THAT would he she" reneated the
lady. and thank you for tine correc
ton"
Not at all" I replied. II often
make the same mistake myself"
What is the woman doing" asked
the lady.
II can't quite make out l. replied
''hut II looks little az though she
Evening star., 1926-10-24

the watch?? Are you light sleeper??
Do you cough? Charleston? Ride a
motor cycle? Are you subject to st.
Vitus Dance? Do you talk with your
hands s?-Oh--I beg your pardon
Shake cocktails? Pump a well? Sing
nanny ongs??-Perhaps-y are a
trap drummer?
Mr.. Feitleb ou'll parron plizze
mine riggratts wot making. Denks
Got. from mine sturr a leeving wot
deedn't hav yat de plassure should
make by fullish jezzbend alrady
witt a drom witt de steecks., Attend
plizze de watch"
Clerk--Hm--you see a wrist watch.
being so small and delicate a con-
trivance, is much more readily sub
iect to Irregularities
Mr.. Feitleba ebaum-Hm-you dun't
falling me-" So why you deen't in
forumNd me gradually witt dees moose
in De foist plaze 50 instat from A
wreest-~atch ! could butt batter
Evening star., 1926-10-24
Another Glimpse at Passing Scenes
In Career of Professional Humorist

ball players. actors and cock-eyed
spanieIs.)
In the paper the first day we had
Abraham L-nc-ln; Th-mas Edis-n;
Charls Ch-plin; JAG B-rrymore
Charl-s DICKENS
On the second day-"J-mes A. CIR
field; L. S. Gra-t; Robert f. Lee; M-rk
Anthony: H-rry K. Th-w."
And on the third day-"G-orge Ade;
J-seph J-ff>rson: Irwin s. Cob; Fl. l..
Mncken; Jim Pull Jnes."
Prior to the inauguration of this con.
test. The Rabies" had paid circu-
lation of 1875. To be eligible to COM
pete, YOU had to subscribe to the paper
half million people entered the compe-
tition. raising our total circulation to
500.126.
Now comes the strange part Of 1t
OF the half million articles on boo
scorpions. every one seemed to be the
work Of master of the subject; in
fact. the articles were 80 uniformly
convincing and scathingly denuncia.
tory that Congress started nation
wide campaign against these ribald
vermin and succeeded in exterminat-
ing them. Today one speaks Of boo
scorpion much the same as of dino
saur or a mah-jong fiend.
Editors note: The author was prob
ably not aware of the fact that the last
named pixy is still running amuck in
many places. notably East Hampton,
Long Island. in spite Of the vigilance
of the narcotic souadD
But it was unnecessary. not to say
impossible. to award any of the prizes,
because none of the 5000 competi,
tors came anywhere near guessing
the names of the famous men. AL.
most without exception the answers
sent in were Abraham Lincoln,
Thomas Edison, Charles Chaplin. Jack
Barrymore. Charles Dickens, James
A. Garfield. L. S. Grant, Robert +.
Lee. Mark Anthony, Harry X. Thaw,
George AIDE, Joseph jefferson. Irwin S.
Cobb. H. L. Mencken and John Paul
Evening star., 1926-10-24
Shipping Gold by Air.

THE ingenuity Of foreign exchange
bankers in finding methods Of in
creasink the margin OF profit on gold
shipments he's been demonstrated in
more than one instance during the
present increased international gold
flow. The latest and the most novel
example was the charterinE Of four
commercial airplanes by British
bank TO carry gold to Switzerland. The
four planes transported about $4,000.
600 worth of metal. weighing around
$40 pounds. with speed and safety.
considerably reducing the loss Of in.
terest which is always a heavy item
Of expense in shipping precious metal.
Evening star., 1926-10-24

grenfodder's clock. maybe should
wear heem on de harm, ha??-Attend
plizze de watch.
Clerk --Hm-Ummm-W you see,
sir. each watch being as it is, sir.
peculiarly adapted to the individual
wearer, sir. in order to properly regu-
late it, would suggest, sir, that you
leave it and let me wear it for period
Of say two or three weeks-and-
Mr.. Feitleba aum-Rilly.-Is dees a
??M-Attend plizze de watch.
ManAger-Oh, well-let's give him
new
Isdore-Oh, Baba-Here you are
I'be glad I foudd you at last. Here's
the baid-sprig Of your watch. Baba-
You left 1t out this bordig whed you
were fxig it with the -pick-after
YOU dropped it odd the bathroob floor
--Baba-Ibe glad L
tSmack.D
tCopvrjeht 1927
Evening star., 1926-10-24
No Skull "Crime Spots. "

OPERATIONS on the skull to re-
move the cause Of crime are un.
warranted medical practice. in the
opinion Of DR.. Shepherd I. Franz,
psychologist in the University Of Cali.
fornia and expert on the re.education
Of the damaged brain.
The supposition that a bony pro.
tuberance Of the Uranium or some
malformation due to accident maj
press on the brain and be the specifl
cause of wrongdoing is rejected by On
Franz, says the Scientific American.
Extended experiments In brain on
Grafton have convinced DR.. Franz thai
the upper brain structure works gen
orally as a whole and not in special
lied departments. Damage or pres
sure on one spot does not throw any
one faculty alone out of commission.
nor does any single faculty or sense
belong solely to one unique location,
Removal or destruction Of a small
special brain area will seriously upset
the entire mental function, but the
patient can be re.educated to perform
all his duties with other cerebral ma.
terial. Upon this assumption unmor.
ality'or crime tendency is likely to be
A feature Of the entire cerebrun, and
not the result OF some one peculiar
formation at some part Of the he9d.
Evening star., 1926-10-24
The Old Mems Page Is Finally Projected
AS a Brand-New Feature of Modern Life

pose to her or wait little? My ad-
vice IL by all means wait-keep on
waiting-wait till her father is dead
and her mother is dead and YOU are
half dead. and then propose to her and
wonder why you have spent your life
waiting
Don't yon rememhtr-look back
over 80 wears and try to remember
that evening long ago when you stood
with her on the bridge over the little
river in the dusk Of A Summer eve
ning and so nearly--oh, so nearly
proposed to her? But you waited.
You had only 900 year then. so
you waited.
And don't you remember FIVE years
later on. that Winter evening by the
flreside when YOU were left alone with
her for 10 minutes. and again the
words almost came to your lips? But
you had only $4,000 year then, and
you waited.
Oh, yes. my dear old friend. by all
means keep on waiting. 1t is all that
you are At for.
J. i. X.
No. we don't lend money to old men
through this column.
tCopyrieht. 1920
Evening star., 1926-10-24
Chapter II Of Autobiography.
BY RING LARDNER.

N the days Of which I am now
writing. Horace Greeley and Ben
Hecht were joint editors Of The
4 Rabies They edited all the
news that came in about different
joints around town. They received
only a small salary. but were given
share of the papers profits: there
fore it was to their interest that the
circulation and. consequently, the ad-
vertising be built up. One evening
Mr. Greeley called me into his private
bath.
Editors note: Tabloid editors then
worked in private baths instead Of
private offices)
AS l entered he said, Young man.
go wash" and pointed to the bowl. q
Editors note: This remark Of Nh
Greeley's has often been misduoted as
Young man. go West" and Young
man, go NAH jons." and sometimes
even as Young man, 60 set my slip.
pers.)
lAuthor's note: Some Of the misduo-
tations have been lauehable)
When I had dried the both Of US,
MIR. Greeley said:
Kid the called me kid. "the more
people that buys this pa per. the better
for | and Ben. Now the best circula-
ton ketters is contests and we are
going to make you contest editor with
carte blanche to offer whatever prizes
you like In every kind OF contest you
can think o. Estce que c'est claire
de luneo" cts it clear?')
nodded my head and left him. On
my way hack to the city room. en-.
countered Charley Cautious, a fellow
reporter.
,u,hoea r,riyete hn+h hsvA VA, hAnn
in?" he inquired.
"HorAce's." / replied.
"Horace's?" he repeated.
"Horace's." I said.
Editors note: This was probably the
origin Of the song. "Horace's, Horace's,
Horaces.'O
After a light lunch and q rundown.
Evening star., 1926-10-24

Jones. Whereas the correct answers
were-Abroham m Luncaln. Tha mas Edi-
sun, Charlus Chopin. Jace Burrymore.
Charles Duckens. etc, every one of
them real person, known to me
by hearsay and each famous in the
locality In which he lived. For ex.
ample. the tenth one guessed by all
the competitors as Harry X. ThaW,
was in reality man named Hurry
Is. Thew. a well known Kansas City
bossop tamperer. who drove half the
Kansas City housewives crazy by
sneaking through their gardens by
night. tampering with their bossops.
This contest virtually made THE
Rabies" and nearly wrecked me. For
months afterward ] lay in a hospital.
at deaths door from the strain l had
gone through.
tCopyrikht 1921
CTo be continued)
Evening star., 1926-10-24

l went to work contriving contests.
My first idea was an essay contest on
Why l Married Mr.. Hopper" but it
proved a failure as, at that time. there
were only three persons eligible to the
competition and two of the three
would not, or could not. reply. The
next one went over with bang. 1t
was guessing contest of famous men.
The names Of the men, with few Of
the letters left out, we're printed in
groups Of five day and prizes
amounting to $4,000 were offered to
those sending the most nearly correct
answers, accompanied by a twelve.
Thousand word article on boo scor-
pions.
Editors note: A boo scorpion was
sort Of spider that went around booing
Evening star., 1926-10-24
By Donald Ogden Stewart

The dentist examined his drill once
more and then decided to change.
The lady remained with her mouth
open.
art Students?" l asked.
NO" he replied. dental"
Both of you?" l asked.
The doctor examined his drill in
silence
"Paulette," he said al last, would
have made one of the best dentists
in Europe She had way with
teeth that was absolutely unCanny."
remained silent. I felt that IT
was not the time to ask questions;
there was that unfortunate lady with
her mouth open.
The dentist began to hum a we'll
known aria.
do YOU know La Boheme?" ne
asked.
Yes" replied.
Have YOU ever heard II sung In
| Vienna ?" he asked.
NO" said.
Adler he asked
II have all her records" replied.
"on my phonograph."
Suddenly the truth dawned oh me.
DO you mean to say" | began,
that Genevieve Adler is
The dentist smiled sadly.
Now madam" he said. will you
open Just a little WIDER"
The lady shifted her position and
compiled. The dentist stepped on the
wheel. It began to buzz
This will hurt little" he said.
coughed.
'Tf you don't mind" I said, 'I'H
wait outside"
The dentist looked up.
"All right" he said.
As I tiptoed out I heard the lady
| give a slight exclamation of pain.
sat down and began to read a maga-
zine. II was one had already read.
Evening star., 1926-10-24
THE OTHER DAY

" HE other day / happened to 70
to the dentists.
Is DIR. Ochs in?" asked
Il the lady who seemed to be
presiding over the outer office.
hope SO" she replied. i've been
waiting here the better part of an
My mistake" said. Il thought
you were in charge"
No" she replied. I'm a patient" :"
and she opened her mouth. Would
you like to see an interesting bit Of
bridgework?
why. yes" I replied. "if you will
wait till | put my umbrella over here
In the corner"
The lady closed her mouth and
waited
Nov" said. 'let me see."
She opened wide.
is it raning?" she asked.
Not that | can see" replied. but
IT'S little dark in the back part o.
your mouth Wait a minute" and |
struck a match.
Il meant was it raining outside, =
she said And. besides. must ask
YOU not to put lighted matches in my
mouth
Yes, it's raining outside" re-
piled, and why wont you let me put
lighted matches in your mouth?"
She smiled. and closed her mouth.
Or, rather. she closed her mouth and
then smiled.
Evening star., 1926-10-24

she has an excellent offer to he cook
in an old mans home. and you are
likely 10 lose her. Your problem is
whether to let her 60 and try to get
another. or to marry her. or to move
into the home where she Is going to
cook.
Mr.. Oldspark. Evergreen Alley. Bios
some Street:
1t is very difficult indeed to advise
YOU. especially as you are at an age
tyou tell me you are only 6D when
YOUR heart is apt to run away with
YOU. You say that three young girls
heen letting one of them drive you
out in fer car and she has certain
r!gh, To think YOU have given her en-.
tuura seE,-nt.
On -'le Other hand. one Of the
others has taken You 10 the ma tinee.
In the case Of the third. though YOU
do not know he" 50 well, you were
told by some ore At ,he golf club tha,
che had said that YOU we're "a perfect
darling
You say that YOU are very fond Of
all three, but thar you cannot tell
whether wha, YOU feel is really love.
1t may be indigestion.
Mr.. 0. O. Overslow. Linser Lodge:
Your case is one in which 1t is diff.
cult for an outsider to give advice.
You say that you have been paying
attentions to lady OF about your own
age for little over 10 years. You
have taken her to evening church
service each third SUNDAY for some
years back. and YOU have for nearly
10 years now sent her an Easter card
and an April fool card. Her father.
who is 96. Is distinctly favorable to
your suit but as he has lost most Of
his faculties he may not know one
suit from another.
You rightly feel that you ought to
be cautious and not Act hastily. You
have $4,000 year Of your own. but
hate to part with any Of ii.
Your prcblem L. should you pro.
Evening star., 1926-10-24

tell him to make table.
How to Make a Camera Stand
Put It right on the table. 1t will
stand.
How to Tell the Time by the SUM-
First lock AT your watch and see
The sunlight with your face towards
the sun and hold the watch so that
he hour hand points directly at the
sun. This will he the time.
How to Make 4 IIook okcase.---Call UP
any wood factory on tive telephone
and tsll them T. cut YOU some plain
boards. suitable foy mahink a book
case. Ask them neAl Nrrere YOU on
sc, nal Iien Send H"ur 'hauff.y
% bring he hoards and nails. Their
adver,i-t fp,' carpenter.
To zlais, Your tah,t. when II is
.onpete. = good method is to upset
soda water on it.
No column Of the sort which ! am
here proposing would be complete un-
less it contained some sort OF CORE
ipondence. And here the topic that
= Op0oft une anu NeitOiiis 10 Tue OiU,
rs well as the young. is the eternal
subject Of / Ne. But i: must be
treated in a way TO suit il to those
whose hearts have passed the first
mad impulses of unrestraired youth.
PROBLEMS OF LOVE AND
MARRIAGE.
Mr. Elder Bachelors Court.
Lone Street:
/ can quite understand your di'
lemma In regard to your cook. 1t is
one that many bachelor has had to
face and l. think out for himself.
and ! am sure that YOU will face il
bravely and clearly
You say that YOU do not know
whether your cook loves you or not.
and ! gather that you sdo not give
hoct either way. But point is that
Evening star., 1926-10-24
Rock Cannon.
WHEN the Island Of Malta wa

WHEN the Island of Malta was un.
der the rule of the Knights OF
st. John they defended their fortif1ca
tions with cannon bored in the living
rock. Each one OF these strange
weapons contained an entire barrel
of powder. and az it was not possible
10 vary the aim Of these cannon. 80
were made ready. facing various d-
rections from which the enemy might
approach.
When the fame Of these arms Of
defense necame known to the world
the idea vas taken up of transport
Ing rocks To SUBMITS to serve the
same purpose. but it was soon recog-
nZed 10 he impracticahle, and the
cannon of Malta. bored in solid rock,
nave passed into history as the sole
weapons Of the kind ever known.