The daily worker. [volume] (Chicago, Ill.) 1924-1958, 1926-08-13
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BY THOMAS J. o'FLAHERrY

WHY campaign for total absti-
w hence from intoxicating drinks
should be necessary in bone dry
country may seem mysterious and
superfuous to our old friend the Wis
itor from Mars, but to an American,
unless he be of the bonehead tribe,
there is nothing mystifying about it.
Curiously enough, the organization
that has set itself the task of pushing
mop over the map of the United
States is catholic. No doubt the
worthy folks forgot that their success
in embalming John Barleycorn would
sound the death knell of catholic wor-
ship as the communicates cannot en-
JOY their favorite repast on the body
and blood of Jesus unless the priest
has a wee drop of wine to mix with
the dough and incidentally Stake his
own thirst.
HELIUM stars are lazy fellows, ac-
IL cording to scientist. They only
make speed at the rate of four miles
a second. Besides being slow, they
are pleasure-loving and travel in pairs.
Whether the company is mixed, or of
the one gender, the professor did not
take time to tell us, he no doubt wish
ing to give the laggard stars a lesson
in velocity Soon the stars and their
ways will be as familiar to us as the
love affairs of volcanoes and comets
or the mental processes of Calvin Coo
lidge
TRUTH will out, tho not in the news
papers, present company always
excepted. Students of journalism In
Columbia University who edit a paper
called the Spectator admit that they
fake news. This habit was discovered
when an issue of the sheet had box
on the front page with the news that
the night editor was shot in the arm
while aiding police in chasing robbers
who attempted to rob a jewelry store
It was learned that no store was To-
Gated at the place mentioned and the
editorial staff was forced to confess
that they were in the habit of taking
news when hard up for material. This
goose-step factory is turning out
scribes to supply the American news.
papers. Is it surprising we have a
daily menu of lies?
UTHY heads are bald and how they
w got that way is the subject Of
heated controversy at the conference
OF the British Association of Advance
ment of Science. Some hold that a
lack Of foliage Oh the dome indicates
brain power. The theory is that the
flow of ideas rushing hither and
thither affects the roots of the hair,
eventually prying them loose from the
roof of the skull. Another scientist
is trying to develop the squirtless
grapefruit Now | suggest suitable
prize for the fellow who will eliminate
the pest who is acquainted with every
thing but knows nothing.
WHO has not been driven to a homi-
w cidal mood by the human scourge
who says "Paree" when somebody says
Paris" or Paris" when somebody
says "Paree." If you accent the first
half of a two-syllabled word the pest
will accent the last This species is
unknown in Europe unless he bred
HIS kind there during the world war.
The British Association for the Ad-
vancement of Science would render
humanity a favor if it devoted half
the energy it spends on discovering
the reason for bald heads, in seeking
a specific for Kidding the world of this
nuisance. The Society for the Exter-
mination of the Pestiferous Linguist
deserves your hearty support
DERHAPS the following items have
4 no relation to each other, but we
believe they have: Statistics show
crime on the increase in Japan. In
cendiarism has had the greatest gain"
And Japan has its bootleggers, but
the Illicit traffic is in radical books,
which are struggled in on ships" The
Japanese ruling classes are more
afraid Of knowledge in the heads of
the masses than they are of guns in
their pockets.
THE Aimee Semple Mcpherson mys-
terry simply will not simplify. Two
grocery slips that might help to solve
the evangelist's disappearance disap-
peared mysteriously from the grand
jury room. 1t was afterwards learned
that they were destroyed by being
thrown down drain in room adj
joining the grand jury. The slips
we're found in a cottage at Carmel.by-
the-Sea. The handwriting was said to
be that of Omissions lady companion,
who is said to resemble Mrs. McPher-
son. Criminal action will be taken in
the matter, according to reports.
A RE you an average American? II
~ you want to make sure dig into
your jeans or look up the old bank
book and II you are seventy cents
ahead of this time last year you are
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