davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
"AS AS HE OPENED THE DOOR THREW MY HAT AHEAD
OF Me AND MADE ONE LEAP TO MY DESK"

his work. He must throw himself
with whole-souled enthusiasm into a
game of ping-pong. or hunt-the- Slip
per or tton-button-who's -got-the
button. In his relaxation the success
full man, the big man, must be as
sportive a s a trout.
I'm word. the man who is out
to succeed must he dynamic. mag
netic, visioned. pop-eyed. bull
necked and, above all, 200 per cent
American"
AS | said already. 7 am not sure
that l have got the quotation correct
word for word. But my first i'm
preston when | read 1t was one of
depression | said to myself. II can't
do it, that's all about it. All that ter
rier stuff and that trout stuff can't
touch it
Still ] thought it all over and at
the end | decided to myself that I'd
give it try anyway. The book"
said to myself. says that this is the
right way to succeed and III see how
it works. I'll start tomorrow.
Till this time. ! should explain. I'd
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

ly. Which was true. couldn't, not
and remain friends. Talk about bad
taste. Why his taste was q combi-
nation of garlic and ice cream
Well. anyways, when | got home
that night | took Georges art educa :
ton in hand. and l says to him. now
see here, dear, ] says. that Joe Bush
of the Hawthorne Club showed me
today what his ideas of artistic fur
nishings for the lounge is. and they
are something awful. now | want you
to realize how bad they are. and for
that purpose | want you and Junior
to accompany me on a tower OF the
Art Museum tomorrow, which is the
free admission day there. SOS to pol
ish up your artistic sense little be-
fore you choose or O. X. any interior
decorations.
Anyways, it is our duty to take
the child there and show him them
world famous art works, and we
might as well kill both you birds
with the same stone carvings, etc.
And George seen there was no es-
cape. so he says all right. all right
suppose you don't need any art edu-
cation your own self? And | says,
certainly not. ! took A correspondence
course in china painting when girl,
| guess | know all about art. | know
what | like. anyways. but I will go
along to see you do ii thorough.
X x
WELL. the next day | got the two
w of them slicked up, and we fliv-
vered into town and it sure was cold,
but was well repaid for my trouble
on account the very minute we
stepped inside the Art Museum door.
Geo. expressed himself satisfactorily.
For the luvVa tripe! he says. amt it
nice in here? And l says yes, dear,
whatter you like best about this mag
nificent, artistic entrance? And Geo.
says the steam heat.
Well, | hadn't never been in this
particular museum my own self. so
/ didn't know how particular they
was until they told us we would
hat to park our umbrellas, cameras,
etc, for fear some Of the art objects
inside might make us SO mad we
might try and smash EN-. And it
wasn't until we had made the rounds
that this great truth dawned on me,
at that. and / then realized how SEN
sible art keepers was. But before
we started out. George bought us a
catalogue SOS we could find out what
It was we was looking at and hot
hozo. they charged us 80 cents for 1t.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

leries all the whole afternoon. So we
went and had look at the gallery
| that was called 'Armor.'
Well, this room showed the early
! history of the Chicago meat packing
concerns. 1t seems. from what we
seen in this gallery. that originally
these companies packed humans in
stead of hogs, etc. On account there
was certainly a lot of tin.ware in
that place. In fact the room was all
| lined up with suits of iron. tin, etc.
left over from the old early days when
! the companies canned men right and
left. II you get what | mean. / had
| never realized before how they start.
ed. and it certainly was real interest
ing.
! However the most interesting of
all was the Egyptian Room. on &C
count in 1t we seen the most artistic
things. including the Queen of Sheba s
| false teeth and the mummy of King
! Tut's mother.in-l law. This last was
all done up in surgical bandages.
from head to foot; guess likely the
poor old lady had sprained consider
able more then her disposition. living
with them. by the looks of her.
Also this room had a statue of the
! COW that jumped over the moon in it,
! and the moon was caught between
| its horns. Also, there was plenty Of
baskets in there. both plain and fancy.
! 1t sure was a cheerful little dump. and
! 1t give me the heebie- geebies to the
| extent | was willing to let Geo. off Of
the rest of his art-education for one
day. SO we went on home again, with
! fiat feet and arched eyebrows. well
satisfied, especially at getting home.
Next day Geo. was to meet Joe
| Bush for lunch at the Hawthorne Club
and go on to pick out them furnish
| ings and so. knowing this. | thought
to myself, well now. Geo. will tell Joe
just where he gets off. Geo. is in po-
sition to choose far more tastefully.
am just crazy to know the result.
And crazy was certainly correct.
AS | found out when Geo. come home
that night. Well dear, he says. | miss
ed Joe Al luncheon time go | dropped
down to the Emporium by myself
| And ! picked out some dandy over.
stuffed chairs. and bunch of awful
artistic near-bronze lamps with mer-
maid and fishchoWder design on them.
and | know you will be pleased dear.
on account | met Joe afterwards and
| he told me you had seen them and
| said they We're too wonderful for
words.
tCopyrirht. 1926
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
All Sorts of Weird Problems of the Day
Furnish Material for This Question Box

day Every place I ask for work
they want me for eight hours. Where
can | get a job like | want?
Truly yours, |. NJ. LAZEIE.
Answer: Get job carrying a hod
on building where you have to
work walking up a ladder. BY doing
this you will only be working four
hours day carrying bricks up the
ladder. The other four you will spend
in walking down the ladder again to
get your bod filled.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Yesterday l found
my brother lying on the floor of our
garage. 1t seems he has been having
trouble with his "vertebra." What
shall l do to help him?
Truly yours, n. GINEER.
Answer: Make him sell it. Those
foreign cars aren't any good, anyhow
Dear Mr.. Wynn: My uncle says he
gets shaved in barber shop. but
hasn't been there for years. What is
he talking about?
Sincerely, JILL LETBLADES.
Answer: He gets shaved in a barber
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
Humorists and Other Writers Enliven
Social Circles at a Florida Resort
tCopyright. 1927

breasting Niagara Falls on a motor
cycle.
A bunch of lis attended Wills en-
gaEement in St. Petersburg and set
in the LIST. row at $500 per head which
man named Geo. AIDE paid for it.
/ wrote out few items in regards to
some of our companions and VIII
read them. He paid me nothing for
same so | will try and get back
some of the time and thought spent
on same by repeating same here to
fill UP space:
Amongst the famous people with
us tonight is Geo. AIDE. the second
greatest American humorist.
Along with Geo. is a great pal Of
his Mr.. Ort Wells of Chicago. Ort
invented the telegraph so as he
would not half to write long answers
to mash notes. He was the first
American to play golf and was
scalped hv Pocahontas' father.
Another celebrity in the party IL
Geo. Morse, former golf champion Of
Vermont. Vermont has got other
golfers whom one of them is Mrs.
Morse and the other one lost his ball
on the first hole and had to quit.
THE MRS. DOESN'T LIKE IT so
WELL.
And we also have with us Mr..
Grantland Rice, the Edgar A. Guest
of New York. Mr.. Rice halls from
Tennessee and his wife from Georgia.
They both write English, but neither
can speak it. Mrs. Rice has been kind
of upStage ever since her cousin mar
ried GeorGia's first citizen. Young
Stribling. Young Stribing's father-in-
law is said to have one of the greatest
libraries in Georgia. He owns a full
set of a popular author and a Macon
telephone directory. lie once re-
marked that he had so many books
that he didn't know what TO do with
them. That lis a popularity If some
people. they don't know what 10 do
with books.
And Mr.. Frank Crowninshield.
editor. His paper generally always
comes out on the 18th of the month
hut Mr.. Crowninshield has now been
away from his office wks. 40 the
next number will come out on the
18th of the month"
Mr.. and Mrs. Rex Reach was IN
our bunch and Will told how Mrs
Beach was responsible for getting him
in the movies which | thought Yves
kind of bad taste bringing up a Sub
ject which Mrs. Beach has been try.
ing to forget and live down these
many years.
Will was asked by st. Petersburg
man how he liked Florida and he
replied that since seeing ii he had de-
cided to sell all his California property
and buy in Oklahoma
Mrs. Rogers has made the entire
trip with Will, all one night stands.
and next time you see her l would
advice YOU to not ask her how she
likes Florida or anywheres else
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

r WISH to set down for readers of
this newspaper in a plain and
simple manner, so that they can
all get it, the story of how |
raised my own salary. There
may he among these readers some who
would like to have their salaries in
creased. If so. think I can tell them
how to set about 1t. They may not
all succeed as l did. But at least they
can follow the same process.
In my own case the turning point
in my career came from reading the
few paragraphs OF printed matter
which appear below. forget the
name of the author, or perhaps |
didn't notice it even at the time. But
the extract is taken from a little book
about modern business and how to
succeed in it. Even If my readers
have never seen this particular book,
they have no doubt seen lot like it.
This Is what it said:
The man who would succeed in
modern business must be alive and
alert. He must keep his eyes well
open and his gaze ahead.
The man who would succeed must
be 100 per cent efficient. He must
use every ounce that is in him. He
must organize himself as a machine.
He must divide his output by initial
energy and square himself with the
quotient.
"He must get into high gear and
stay there If his voltage is too low
for his driving power he must speed
up his accelerator When he wants
to carry his peak load he must fill
up his tank. He must keep full.
The man who would succeed to-
do ,ct L hn In af 10
must remember that time counts. The
man who would make good must be
punctual. He must not only be on
time. but he must be before his time
If you have an appointment with him
at 8 o'clock, he must be there at a
quarter to s. AT whatever hour YOU
come you must find him there.
He must be on time for his work
He must come to his work like a shot
out of a catapult. He must hit his
work like bullet. He must come
right to his job with the crack of
gun. II he has an appointment he
must hit it with a smack. II you
meet him on the street he must go
past like an arrow. If the traffic is
blocked he must go right through it,
Learn, then. the value of time
Every minute represents the interest
on an hour. There are only $1,000
seconds in a day. These are all you
have. Use every one of them.
The man who is out for success
must pay attention to his dress. He
has got to look like man. His
clothes must fit him like his skin
His hair must he clipped right TO his
scalp. His ears must stick out like
telephones. He must he shaved as
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

thank heavens. but he does his stuff
between .renditions Of Sweet and
Low" and Deep River and he said
he would always remember Daytona
because somebody in the audience
there laughed at couple of his gags.
though Of course the man that done
the laughing might Of maybe beer
thinking of some comical cartoon he
seen that morning or maybe just had
jag, but anyway the sound was as
welcome as the final whistle to the
Harvard football team.
Will was just kidding about this.
for / seen his act at st. Petersburg
the next night and all together he was
on the stage alone for hrs. and
the audience never stopped laughing
except when he sprung a few items
that l had wrote out for him.
You ought to see some of the
places we have showed in," said the
famous mute. Most of them has
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

either been shooting galleries or con-
vention halls. When it was Conven-
ton halls the first IS rows was priced
at $500 per seat and behind that it
is $500. SO as soon as | get out on
the stage | have invited all the $500
boys to come and set in the first As
rows so ! won't half to talk so loud
BIG FIsHMONGER INvENTS NEW
GAME.
"Is your tour pretty near over?' in
quired the genial host.
oh no." was WHIPS reply. I'VE go
up through Georgia and the Carolinas
and then start for California"
And when do you get to Cali
formal" queried the handsome inter-
viewer.
Well" said the former COW mixer,
you count the towns between Dur
ham and Los Angeles and it's that
many days"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

fiat rs a pancake. His whole appear
ance must be clea n-cut, close nipped.
short-cropped. Everything about him
should suggest the quickness of the
terrier combined with the clinch of
the bulldog.
THE man who would succeed must
keep himself in proper physical shape.
He must never neglect his body. He
must keep himself as 1.-the as snake.
The man who means to succeed
must keep himself under constant con-
troll. He must avoid all excess. He
must never drink. He must eat
nothing. He must be awake all the
time. If he sleeps, he is gone.
The man who is out to win, must
talk little. few words a day, but no
more. But when he does speak, his
speech should be direct, close-cut,
clean-hit and edged to point. If
he says This is fine day it must
be fine day.
THE man who would succeed must
be able not only to work but to
play. When the right time comes he
must be able to free his mind from
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07


Have YOU had much trouble dodg
ing Florida realtors?"
Not a bit" answered the big fish
monger. They just look at me and
say to themseif That guy couldn't
make a first payment on divot.'
Will was amongst the gallery at a
big golf match the day ne come to
see me. Walter Hagen and Henry
Topping was playing VS.. Joe Schlott-
man. Max Marston and Geo. Morse
and il made Will wild to see people
doing something he couldn't do so he
says golf was a silly game and he was
inventing a real game called Horse
Golf which the players rides a horse
and plays with a polo racket and a
polo ball, but YOU nave holes to
knock the ball into like golf and all
shots must be played while the hores
is running. Personly this might i'm
prove my game AS the way things is
now | act like | played my shots while
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

for something that happened 40 years
ago?
Dear Mr.. Wynn: You are so smart.
can you tell me the difference between
a woman and an umbrella.
Truly yours. INA WOMAN.
Answer: Sure | can tell you. You
can shut up an umbrella.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: My Sunday school
teacher says: People go to heaven
because they have souls. but cows
don't go to heaven. as they haven't
souls. If this is true. where will the
people who go to heaven have 10 go
to get their milk?
Yours truly.
HUGO EVRIEPLACE.
Answer: Next week.
THE PERFECT Fool.
Ed Wynn. as he has often told YOU il
one OF the Wlsest men in the world He
sees all: he knows all. Do you think Won
can stump him with any kind Of mes
ton. II YOU Do. send IL to him in care Of
tbs, editor Of this psper and watch Tor his
Copyright 1e:o)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
BY SAM HELLMAN.
r WISH you'd learn to play
bridge" remarks the misses.
What for?" | demands.

w hat for | dema ms.
L so we could go calling on
some nice people once in a
while" comes back the frau.
"Yeh," ! sneers, Il suppose you
can't call on nice people nowadays
unless YOU got deck of cards in one
hand and carafe OF gin in the other.
Anyway, bridge is the bunk.
What do YOU know about it," shifts
Kate
I've watched enough games" |
tells her. ito find out that II ain I
nothing but a cross between family
row and a kaffee klatch Bill Swiffle
hasn't been talking to his wife since
that game they had over at the Muir
phys three days ago"
"'rhe way he acts in a game.
comes back the misses. indignant, II
don't blame Molly for not talking to
him for a month He yelps when she
bids, and also when she doesn't bid.
Bill seems to have the idea that his
wife should he able to talk spots on
the cards"
II don't know about her talking
spots on the cards, - l remarks, but
she can certainly talk spats into them.
I've never seen those folks in a game
that didn't finish up with her throw
ing mud at his relations and him
heaving rocks up her family tree. He
told me at lunch today he was going
to quit playing bridge with the wife"
Getting tired Of being rowdy, is
he?" inquiries the frau.
NO" returns. hes getting tired
81 forking up for perfume. He tells
me it sets him back 10 buckle for
bottle after every bridge game. VIVA,
Is there about this indoor sport that
causes folks that are *. q. with each
other otherwise to claw al each other
throRts? I've seen a lot OF couples
playing poker and spit-in- the.ocean
and other spiffy games like that and
still he on speaking terms at the end
OF the evening. Why
Bridge" cuts in the misses. lis a
game of partners, and that's where
the trouble comes in. In poker YOU
lose your own money and any bull you
make comes out of your own pocket
In bridge your partner can ruin you
just by forgetting that the three of
clubs hasn't been played vet
"Yeh." says I, and still you want
me to learn a game that will make
trouble between us"
You got to take that chance. "
comes back Kate. "All the swell PEG.
pie play the game nowadays. and il
standing as an Ala bama cotton picker
at ku kluX house warming. I'm
going to teach you the game"
NO, you're not, | growls. I'm
willing to keep my social standing in
my wife's name. Besides. ! like games
that take little brains to play"
Don't you think bridge takes
hrains?" asks the misses.
mot from what I've seen of It"
+elIs her. IF you get the papers dealt
70 YOU. you win. II YOU don't gel
en- YOU dig. Where's the skill come
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

Gus wks. on acct. of Will Rogers drop
ping in one day on his way from
Tampa to st. Petersburg and done me
the honor to lunch with me in the
hotel and afterwards ] was not on
speaking turns with those Of the
guests who | didn't introduce him to
them.
VIII was just about winding up his
Florida enGa gements with the De
Reszke Singers of which he amt one
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
By ED WYNN.

~ EAR Mr.. Wynn: On my way
to work this morning, | saw
boy 5 feet 10'inches tall
- hit a boy about feet tall.
Don't you think he should
feel ashamed to hit a boy smaller
than he?
Yourst truly,
l. SAWM.
Answer: He probably would rather
feel ashamed hitting a boy smaller
than he than feel sorry for hitting a
boy larger than himself.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: According to sta
tistics there are fewer marriages than
in former years? How do you account
for this condition?
Sincerely,
d. SPONDENT.
Answer: Men have just found out
they can have their mending and darn
ing done at the laundry.
Oar MIR. Wynn: want a job where
l will only have to work four hours
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
BY RING LARDNER.

the editor: During the last
wk. of this writer's happy So
journ in Belleair. Fla, my So
/ cial activities was cut down to
about u of | ner cent Of nreNl.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07
Art Committee From the Popular Club
Gets Real Atmosphere From Ancients
BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM.

A S Apollo Bell Y. Dere. the noted
~ sculptor. once said, Some are
~ born artistic, some acquire art
4 4 and some have art thrust upon
them hut refuse 10 accent
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-03-07

T WISH to set down for readers of
this newspaper in a plain and
simple manner, SO that they can
all get 1t, the story of how |
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-09-24
P|TTSF|ELD
Observation-Disclosures

A wedding of interest to their
many friends took place at the
home Of Mr.. and Mrs. Everett
W1thee, Bates street, Saturday eve
ming, when their son, Freeman
Withee, and Miss Imogene Chad
bourne were united in marriage,
Rev. Frank L. Cam, pastor Of the
Universalist church, officiating, US
ing the single ring service. Only i'm
mediate relatives were present.
Mrs. Withee is the daughter of
Mr.. and Mrs. Arthur Chadbourne of
Hartland avenue, formerly Of Ca
naan. She is employed IN the Pr
oneer plant of the American Wool
en- Co.
Mr.. Withee Is employed at the e.
W. Wallace store. Both are among
the towns very popular. young peo-
pie and their many friends will ex-
tend congratulations and best wishes
for happy and prosperous future.
Mr.. and Mrs. Frank H. Randlett
have just returned from trip
through Aroostook county and while
on the trip Mrs. Randlett attended
the State convention of the W. c.
T. U. at Presque Isle.
in town for visit in the home of
George S. Staples.
Rev. Ashley A. Smith. D. D., and
Mrs. Smith of Bangor were over
night guests of ]. f. Marden and
family on Hartland avenue during
the Universalist State convention.
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-09-24
KENT'S HILL HAS
TOUGH 8 GAME
list OF CONTESTS

Kents Hill, Sept. 24-The first
regular game of the Kent's Hill
schedule will be played Saturday
with the East Maine Conference
Seminary at Bucksport.
The boys have had a scant two
weeks of practice but are gradually
rounding into good early season con-
dition. There are between 25 and 80
candidates out for various places on
the team, some Of whom have had
very good experience. Tapley and
Luce are the only letter men left
over from last years squad so that
| Coach Davis starts out under the
handicap of having to build up a
new team There are several of last
years substitutes, however, avail
able, including Black, Cousens, Love-
lit and Sanborn in the backtield,
and Eisold, Marsh, Horne and House
in the line.
Some of the new material is par
ticulary promising. In the line are
Richardson and Sullivan of Bangor,
Prendergast of Lewiston, Smell, the
Madison High captain, Harrington of
Bath, Ainslie of Woburn, Mass, and
Moore of Yarmouth. Lamson, for
idSiiy VI Solpy ACdoSillS, ellu AhSAii-
mis- of Bangor are good candidates
for end; Luce and Sanborn may also
be used in this position. Bryant of
Woburn, Mass, is competing for the
quarterback position with Cousens;
the other new backs are Leighton. of
Lewiston, Curry of Rockland, and
McGinty of Bangor.
The only real tryout the team has
| had was in a practice contest with
the Notre Dame outfit of Waterville
last Saturday. The teams played
short periods without scoring at any
| time. There was surprisingly little
| fumbling for so early in the season
and the offensive work of both
| teams improved as the afternoon
wore on. There were some serious
deficiencies in the defensive work
| which now is being remedied.
The squad leaves Friday noon by
auto for Bucksport, carrying 16 play
| ers. Anderson will probably make
| the trip as manager.
The complete schedule is as fol-
lows:
Sept. 25-East Maine Conference
Seminary at Bucksport.
Oct. maine Central Institute at
Kent's Hill.
~ 0-Nolpy FRESHMEN at wat
| erville. =
Oct. Is - University of Maine
! Freshmen at Orono.
Oct. 22-Bowdoin Frecmben at
Brunswick.
Oct. 80 - Hebron Academy at
Hebron
Nov. 5-Bates Freshmen at Lew
iston.
Nov. 13-Bridgton Academy at
Lewiston.