davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

| the William Kennedys7"
Il don't think know the William
Kennedys."
This is tho way the conversation
goes on for ten minutes. Both Mr..
Sedley and Miss Smiles are getting
| desperate Their faces are fixed.
Their sentences are reduced to
DO you know the Petersons?"
mo. Do you know the Applebys?"
mo. Do you know the Willie
'o a%s'@
Then at last comes q rift In the
, clouds. One Of them happens to
mention Beverley Dixon. The other
Is able to cry exultingly-
Beverley Dixon? oh, yes, rather!
At least, don't know him. but /
used often to hear the Applebys
speak Of him"
And the other exclaims with equal
delight
II don't know him very well either.
but l used to hear the Willie John
sons talk about him all the time"
They are saved.
Hall an hour afterward. they are
still standing there talking Of Bever-
Icy Dixon.
ETIQUETTE BOOK.
Personally I have suffered so much
from inability to begin a conversa-
ton that, not SO long ago, / took the
extreme step of buying book on
the subject. ! regret to say that I
got but very little light or help from
1t. It was written by the Comtesse
de r.. According to the preface,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
tCopyright. 1881

the comtesse had moved in the
highest circles of all the European
capitals" II so, let her go on NOV
ing there. I. for one, after trying
her book. shall never stop her.
This Is how the comtesSe solves
ton:
I'm commencing conversation the
greatest care should be devoted to
the selection Of topic, good taste de-
handing that one should sedulously
avoid any subject Of which ones WIS.,
avis may be in Ignorance. Nor are
the mere words alone to be consid-
cred. In the art of conversation
much depends upon manner.
The true conversationalist must In
opening invest himself with an at.
mosphere Of interest and solicitude
He must. as we say in French, be pre-.
pared to payer les frais de la con-
versation. In short, he must give
himself an air.
There! Go and do it II you can. I
admit that I can't. I have no idea
what the French phrase above means,
but know that personally I cannot
interest" I might manage about Q
per cent on $500. But what is that
in these days Of plutocracy?
At any rate. tried the comtesse's
directions at a reception last week,
on being introduced to an unknown
lady. And they failed. I cut out
nearly all the last part and confined
myself merely to the proposed selec.
ton OF a topic. endeavoring to pick
selecting a golf club out Of a bag,
Naturally. I had to confine myself
to the few topics that ! know about.
and on which can be quite interest.
ing If get started.
MY TOPICAL REPERTOIRE.
do you know any mathematician
asked.
NO" said the lady.
This was too bad. I could have
shown her some good puzzles about
the squares Of the prime numbers up
to Al.
! paused and gave myself more air,
statics?"
II beg your pardon" she said. Eyf.
IDENTITY she was ignorant again.
Have you ever studied the prin.
caples OF aerial navigationf" / asked.
NO" she answered.
Invest myself with an air Of furfher
interest. when another man was in.
troduced to her. quite evidently, from
MS appearance, a vapid jackass with.
out one-tenth Of the brain caliber that
have.
"Oh, how do you do?" he said. "I
say, I've just heard that Harvard beat
Princeton at basket ball this after
noon. Great, isn't it?"
In two minutes they were talking
like old friends. How do these sillY
asses do It?
(cssgsiGAl lsaaA
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

the toaster in plain sight the bread
will be on the table, even palmer. !
wouldn't say Cousin Fannie Is dumb.
no, / am not the kind to knock my
relations. especially when they are q
perfect dear. But some day when she
amt looking and there Is a black.
jack handy, / maybe won't be able to
control myself.
Then her disposition is really won.
derful. l gotter grant that. In fact.
1t Is one OF the most wonderful ever
come across and when she Is staying
with us. cross and re-cross 1t, pretty
constant. What that woman says
about the rest of our family, well,
II would make them turn in their
graves If they was there. 1 mean
either buried, or present. And after
all they have done for her, too! OF
course I personally myself don't be-
lieve in gossip, I don't care what my
family does so long as it doesn't inter
fere with me any.
Naturally wouldn't encourage
Cousin Fannie to say nothing, only
once in a while some innocent remark
such as. Say. Cousin Fannie. 1t amt
true Uncle VIII drinks. Is 1t. don't
believe 1t myself. but did you hear
where Aunt Eata was going around a
d"Iul Win the new minister, NOT
that 1 suppose there is a word of
truth in 1t. but then one never
knows"
Or. How about Cousin Gussie. I
heard her husband was losing his
money gambling. Such a pity. be.
cause Gussie would be quite a good
looking woman II only she would wash
her face onct in Il while. Too bad
she don't dress better. Amt that
Winter enscramble OF hers q sight? I
hear they feed their help SO stingy
they can't get nobody to work for
them only girls that are trying to re.
duce. 1t amt true they never pay
their bills unless somebody threatens
to sue them, is IT." You know, Just
honey, friendly little inquiries like
that, is all ever make. nothing more!
And the things Cousin Fannie will
reply! Talk about snakebite, ! mean
a person certainly needs a prescription
when Cousin Fannie gets going. Not
that I mean to infer she is a gossip,
she is a perfect dear and l wouldn't
say a word against her. only certain
ly wouldn't trust that woman with
nothing didn't want repeated,
neither. So of course l don't give her
thing to pass on when she passes
on to the next OF kin she Is to visit
It's too bad. honest, though, that
she don't know how to do her hair
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
BY SAM HELLMAN.

I//Y SEE" remarks the misses,
- they're starting another big
campaign to close up every
i thing on Sunday"
Including" / inquiries, 1.-The
guys that want to close up every
| thing?"
ut looks like they want to stop all
work." goes on the wife. Sunday
| newspapers and
1.-THE ideas of them reformers about
Sunday papers," I cuts in. lis the tip
of on the kind Of muddled brains those
| babies have, II any,"
How do you mean?" asks the frau.
"Why do you think they want to stop
| Sunday papers?" I comes back.
80 the men In the newspapers
won't have to work on Sundays, / sup
pose." returns Kate.
There's where the blah-blah comes
in" says l. Sunday papers are gotten
| that are printed on Sunday. Why
don't they yelp about the Monday
papers?"
Maybe" suggests the misses.
| they're against folks reading papers
on Sunday instead Of going to church"
"If such IS the case" I replies.
when are the people who get out
Monday papers going to get their day
| Of rest and a chance TO go to church,
my answer to that" returns Kate.
"is the answer that you could properly
| make to any question that was
asked-I don't know. Anyhow, 1
agrees with them reformers that
everybody ought to get day Of rest.
80 do t. says I. but what's rest?
Don't you think it's rest for a man
that's been cooped up In an Office all
week to get out on a golf course and
kick a pill around?"
1T might be rest for most folks. but
not for you" shifts the frau. If you
did as much digging around the house
as you did over the club we'd have the
| best garden in America"
That's all right" I argues. You
can oven get a rest digging. I know
a lad who's a bookkeeper In a bank
who spends his day of chopping down
trees and has lots OF fun at It. Rest
ain't nothing but change from what
you've been doing. A 10-mile walk is
a rest for a boy that's been sitting at
a typewriter for 10 hours a day"
Maybe" admits the frau. but that
amt the kind of rest those reformers
are talking about. They wants you to
go to church and
Cant a man go to church and play
golf. too?" / interrupts.
He can, but he hardly ever does"
says Kate.
Suppose" inquiries, "all the golf
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
Athletic Results Become Marvellous
When Contestants Grow Tall Enough

, Italia and their great rivals, the Burge,
the score was a tie at the conclusion
of the pole vault If there is a conclu-
sion to same and the result of the
meet depended on the one mile relay
race. Here Is where the Gustos
sprung their coupe and win the event
before 1t started by laying themselfs
end to end around the track.
The feature of the meet was the
shot put in which the Gustos had
stroke of luck that was rather ludi-
crouS. Nelson of the Burge cohorts
had made put of 65 #. and 1t looked
unbeatable because none of the
Gustalia team had ever put a shot
They had looked all over the house
and there seemed no place TO put It.
Well, Dorney Phetts. captain of the
team. was standing in the circle won-
dering how best to proceed when
Jolter Weeds who had known him
since childhood got back In town and
walked right up behind where the
Burge mans ball was laying. In
reaching out TO shake hands with
Jolter, PhettS dropped the shot out of
his hand and beat the Burge effort by
l #. 21S inchs.
That the Gustos are not without the
| proverbial sense of humor was dem
onstrated last April when Melville
Gusto formerly Glade was crossing
on the Berengaria from Hoboken to
Worse when he Stubbed his toe on the
tOpS-1l and fell overheard. He lit on
his TT. When he had stepped back
on the ship it was seen that he had
been in water up TO the bottoms Of his
knickers.
Lucky wasn't wearing long
trousers" said Gusto. ''or I would of
had to Of had them pressed"
The wits heavy golf shoes had
saved him from exposure to whale
nibbles and all and all he was none
the worse for his wade.
Glenn Gusto is the champion golfer
of the country and has a great admire
In Gees. Clemenceau uhe "Wolf'l
who saw him putt on the Paris green
and presented him with a new goose
billed putter of which the shaft was
one of the uprights in the Eiffel tower.
Glenn is the longest driver in golf
according to Jim Barnes, who caddies
Tor him.
Jim tells an incidence of match in
| which Glenn was playing Herford
kifter. 1t took place on the Probasco
course in Tennessee. They were all
even up to the last hole. which Is a
blind hole, being niblick pitch over
Lookout Mountain. After kifter had
shot, Gusto said to Jim:
Climb up my back, Runt, and
blindfold me. / amt taking no unfair
advantage"
Jim adds that he was always like
| that.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

which would soon convince them that
the tribe referred to Is 50 many fieas
compared with the Gusto tribe of
South Algebra whose chief Is none
other than Great Gusto, married in
1903 to Junie McAndrews who was
afterwards reed. with Great Gusto
by the chairman Of pretty near every
capital In Europe. It Is said of these
folks that II they were all iayed end
to end the farthest one would be in
the Dakotas while most Of the rest of
them prefer Florida q specially at this
time of yr. II they were all stood up
on each others shoulders the one on
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

has appointed a special pussy of po-
licemens to watch Mr.. Doherty like a
hawk and see that he don't carry out
this threat as a good many of the in
mates of the alleged buildings is salts
fled with the present site.
To return to the GuStos, Frank
Gusto is the champion high jumper of
the community and when told about
the feat of the member of that African
tribe, why he ordered the jumping
tones erected and the bar placed at
6 it. s and come to find out he couldn't
even get under it let alone over il.
In the last track meet between Gus
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
Why Woman Pedestrians, in Accidents,
Are Run Down by Drivers of Own Sex

by woman drivers. How do you &C.
count for that? Yours truly.
V. HICkLE.
Answer: That is the most natural
thing in the world. 1t is woman's
nature to run down her own sex.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: My son, % years
of age, does not seem fit for any occu.
patton for the simple reason he walks
in his sleep. What can do with him?
Yours truly,
N. SOMNIA.
Answer: Make him policeman.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: A friend Of mine
whom I hadn't seen for 8 years came
into my office yesterday. / always
thought he was tall but yesterday he
looked short to me. He told me he
had just gotten married. Could that
have anything to do with him looking
shorter than before? Sincerely,
!. GLASS.
Answer: That is the whole story in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

"A VOW is the time of year when
M the Winter evening reception
VI is in full swing and people
i must stand upright and ag.
onize, balancing a dish Of
ice cream in one hand and a cup Of
coffee in the other.
There is no question that on these
occasions the power Of conversation
Is at a premium. One must talk or
die. Something may be done to stave
of talking by vigorous eating and by
the pretense of a devOuring hunger.
But the amount Of food Is limited.
There comes a point when 1t Is alb
solutely necessary TO say something.
The instructions that follow are
intended as sort Of first aid In con-
versation. The great thing after all
started After that, conversation
flows along of itself. I would there
fore like to indicate a few of the more
familiar ways Of beginning a social
conversation.
CHINESE SYSTEM.
In China, conversation between
opened by the question, And how
old are you?" This strikes me as
singularly apt and sensible. Here Is
the one thing that is common ground
between any TWO people, high or low.
rich or poor-how far are you on your
pilgrimage In life?
PENITENTIARY METHOD.
Compare with the Chinese method
the grim but very significant formula
that Is employed Il believe 1t is a
literal fact) in the exercise yards Of
the American penitentiaries. What
have you brought" asks the San
Quentin or Sing-Sin convict of the
new arrival. meaning, And how long
Is your sentence?" There is the
same human touch about this. the
same common GROUND of interest, as
IN to Chinese formula.
POLITE SOCIETY.
But in our polite society we have as
yet found no better method than be-
ginning with a sort of medical dag
nosis, How do you do?" This admits
of no answer. Convention forbids us
to reply in detail that we are feeling
If anything slightly lower than last
week. hut that though our tempera.
ture has risen from ninety-one-fifty to
Iinety- our respiration
b still normal.
Still worse is the weather as an
opening topic. For it either begins and
ends as abruptly as the medical dag.
nosis, or 1t leads the two takers on
into a long and miserable discussion
OF the weather of yesterday, Of the day
before yesterday, of last month, of last
year and the last so years.
Lot one beware, however, Of q con-
vefsation that begins too easily.
MUTUAL FRIENDS WAY.
This can - seen ct any evening
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

top would be in the $500 seats at the
opera and the one on the bottom would
be just as uncomfortable.
In passing / might say in this con-
nection that Mr.. Frank E. Doherty,
commissioner of buildings in none
other than Chicago, remarked last
month that 1925 was the greatest
month for building in all the history
Of the Quaker City and the housing
problem had been solved and if all
the buildings erected in the l VI. was
placed together in a straight line
they would reach from Lake Michigan
to the Mississippi River. Mayor Dover
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

the prohibition law was passed was &c
big surprise to the people?"
Truly yours,
c. CAPTAIN.
Answer: III tell the cock-eyed world
1t was a surprise to the people. In
fact, 1t took most Of the peoples
breath away.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: In our town there
is a burglar who is causing consider.
able trouble as well as curiosity. The
police can't catch him. The report is
that he travels around absolutely
nude. What l want to know Is this
What shall do If some night ] find
the robber in my house and he is real
ly naked?" Yours truly.
D. TECTIVE.
Answer: Cover him with your re-
volver.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Is il true that fire
engine ran into a butcher wagon and
knocked the tripe out of 1t?
Yours truly.
Answer: Next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
Ed Wynn. as he has often told you. 10
eees ai@he knows ali. Do You " think y as
can stump him with any kind of question:
editor Of this ep and Watch for his reps
Copyright. 1e26.)
AT least 800 royal and princely
young men of Siam are now studvina
in Europe and America, the moss q
them under assumed names,
u
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07

nicotine and alcohol or the same
bunch out in the fresh air playing golf
or tennis or taking long hikes"
Still comes back Kate, some of
'em would go if they didn't play golf"
Il doubt 1t, says L. I'm my expert.
ence I've found that when man
wants to go to church he goes, re.
CARELESS, and if he doesn't want to go
he don't go, regardless I've known
fellows that have been up all Saturday
night and who'd climb out of the hay
after two hours sleep TO go to church.
Their churches have been made at
traCtive enough to them to pull them
away from anything TO come to the
services"
Don't you think more folks ought
TO go 10 church," asks the misses.
Il do" says |. It's something
that's bound to do them some good
with not a chance of doing 'em harm,
but | don't think you can herd 'em in.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
BY RING LARDNER.

"O THE editor: The daily papers
recently went quite insane
over d story from Africa or
i some other place in Egypt to
to the effect that a race of peo-
pie had been discovered over there
who was SO much bigger than us as
to make it very unusual, the men
was said to be hardly any of them
under IT. no inchs tail and the
ladies God bless them in proportion.
as If Africa was the only place where
ladies' is in proportion. The story
went on to say what great athletes
all the men was and reported that a
photograph was in existence of one of
them clearing the bar in the high
jump at IT, s and he not only cleared
1t but cleared 1t by It.
Before newspapers gives their
space to such nonsense as the above
they should do little investigating
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-07
BY ED WYNN.

~ EAR Mr.. Wynn: I am keep
ing company with a young
lady who is very fond Of
marrying her. Every one
tells me a woman who loves horses
will make a good wife. Do you believe
that? Sincerely.
I. NJ. A. BOOB.
Answer: All I can say is that 1t is
true q woman loves anything she can
drive.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am a married
man with three children keep
working but seom unable to make
both ends meet. What shall I do?
Sincerely.
AL. TRUISTIC.
Answer: That's easy. II you can't
make both ends meat. make one vege.
tables.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am . girl Is
years Of ago and go with boy I year
older. I like him very much but he
always tries to kiss mo. I don't want
to be kissed, yet I want to be with
him. What shall do?
Yours truly,
x. KUzEMEE.
Answer: Marry him.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I read some statis-
tics in the papers regarding auto acct
dents and It said that most Of the
woman pedestrians who were hit b.
automeSlleAL strange - ~ vere 1T
The Winslow mail., 1926-08-06
NEW PROHIBITION
CHIEF In ARIZONA
NOW In OFFICE

John H. Udall, Republican ap-
pointee to succeed Frank NJ Poole,
recently resigned prohibition chief
for Arizona, was here Tuesday,
from his home in St. Johns, Apache
county, enroute to Phoenix to take
over the official capacities of his
new office. He will begin admin
STEERING the affairs of the state Off
ice in the Luhrs building at once.
In an interview the new proIli-
bition chief said, There will be no
dismissals or other revolutionary
developments effected in the change
of administration of the local pro-
hibition office My aims are to
conduct a sensible, aggressive cam
paign of enforcement of the prohi-
bition laws of the entire state,
showing no favor or fear in carry
ing out the duties required of
office"
Mr.. Udal1 is a member of one of
the oldest families in the st. Johns
district and has always been
staunch active worker in Republi-
can political circles He has a
brother, Jesse Udall who is now
county attorney of Graham county.
Mr.. Poole resigned to resume ac-
tivities in his old business, which
is that of lumber man. Udall's
appointment was recommended by
Senator Ralph Cameron.
The Winslow mail., 1926-08-06
BOYS ARE GUESTS
OF ROTARY CLUB
AT CLEAR CREEK

Sponsored by the Winslow Ro-
tary Club, the overnight hike for
Winslow boys met an enthusiastic
reception, and a big crowd of boys
in charge of Rotarians, scout mas
ters and leaders, and other citizens
returned this morning from Clear
Creek, where the night was spent.
The hike was planned last week
at the regular noon meeting of the
Rotarians, and was staged by the
Boys Work Committee of Rotary
AS early as last Saturday many
boys had signified their intention of
going, and long list of names had
been turned in to Homer Vaughan
and Rev. w. r. Hessell. This list
swelled as the week went on, and
Thursday night when the group left
from Sam Proctor's office the cars
that had been engaged to haul the
boys were taxed to capacity.
The boys and their older friends
spent an enjoyable night at the
creek, and report that the hike was
a success for all concerned.
The Winslow mail., 1926-08-06

Wednesday afternoon with Charles
Stout, / learned from him about his
little daughter having received a
broken arm just two days after her
arrival in Chicago, where she is
visiting relatives in company with
her mother. Mrs. Stout writes,
however, that she is getting along
as we'll as can be expected.
1t was last Saturday evening
that the Japanese employees at the
shops, together with their families,
pulled" a big picnic A most en-
.joyable time was had by the whole
"shebang" says our freight gang
foreman, King Nomoto Plenty to
eat, plenty to (soft drink and
plenty of fun.
Wei, now fellows, let's make it a
point to be ION deck" this evening
to hear our Indian band boys blow
their stuff" at the extra" public
concert to be rendered in the park
across from the new Arcadia Hall.
Do not just invite your friends, but
bring 'em"
There WAS once man named
Morning,
Who wouldn't heed a warning.
He walked down the track, with
out looking back,
So now they are mourning for
Morning.
H w DuffpV