davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-02-21
Author Admits He Was Never Married,
But Solves Problems of Welded Life

| During one of the first Winters Mr.
| Ade spent in Bellear he was invited
| to a luncheon of the Rotary Club at
| Tampa. He accepted on condition that
| they would not call on him for
| speech. The master of ceremonies
| assured him his wishes would be re-
| spected. but after the s1nelt course the
| toastmaster got up and said:
Gentlemen. ! take great pleasure
| in introducing to you Mr.. Geo. AIDE,
Americas S Clown
This soubriquet so pleased the big
| farmed that he overlooked his reso-
| luton not to talk and made speech
! consisting of three words which are
| unprintable.
Mr. AIDES chief outdoor recreation
| is riding to hounds. Whenever he
| sees hound he rides right to him.
| He is topping golfer. His favorite
| indoor game used to be roulette and his
system was to play the number which
| was his age. For example, when he
was IA he always played IA and when
| he got to be 36 he played So. For the
| past several years. not wishing to
| change his system, he has devoted his
| time to pinochle.
! AS a writer Mr.. Ade has been COM
pared with Eddie Guest, DIR. Frank
Crane and Upton Sinclair amongst his
Marilyn Miller and Hughie Fullerton
amongst his predecessors. 1t is almost
uncanny.
Mr.. Ade always does his writing
with patchwork quilt bound tightly
! around his wrists, which have pre-
Viously been cauterized.
1T is IA mistake to write too fast"
| he explains. with this get-up. it is
| not only impossible to write fast, but
| hardly likely to write at all. Hot dog"
Mr.. Ade attended minstrel show
| the other night at Clearwater, Belle
airs neighbor on the north. He re-
ports hearing the following WOW: An
| old colored lady and her little girl
| (pickaninny) went into a railroad sta
| ton and the old lady said:
will you please give me a ticket
| for Magnolia?"
"Wait a minute" the agent replied
| and sought in vain through the list
| of stations in his timetable. Finally
| giving up, he said DO you know
| where Magnolia is?''
II sho does" said the old lady.
She's right here by me with the blue
hat"
You never married, did you, Mr..
Ade?" asked the reporter.
NO" he answered without an in
stant's hesitation.
Evening star., 1926-02-21
Queries Getting Salary Raise and F0recastin6 Skill
Business of Prophecy Fails to Keep Up
To Historic Standing as Potent Force

| Summer. The professors analysis
shows a distinct rise of .o0o1 per cent
In one hundred commodity prices
averaged over a hundred years.
He finds that q multiplication Of
per capita imports by per capita ex-
ports and a division by the index
figure Of the month produces a result
about as close to zero as he can get.
These results are occasioning in bust
ness circles a widespread feeling of
buoyancy; indeed, almost of boyish-
ness. 1t is felt that we are very likely
on the crest of a great wave of pros
perity, either on the crest or in the
trough.
THE WEATHER REPORT.
Another department of human life
in which our power to foretell the
future has sadly declined, is the mat
ter of the weather. Everybody knows
that after all the money we have
spent upon the thing the best our
meteorological experts can do Is to
peer into the mist for about twenty
four hours ahead. AS to what is GO
ing to happen next summer or next
autumn, they are utterly poWerless.
But contrast the almost uncanny
powers possessed by the marvellous
men who used dn 1880, or there
abouts) to compile the Farmers AL
manacs and Busy Mans Guide, and
Every Mans Annual. These experts
could look fearlessly through six
months Of cosmic change and hit the
weather to hair.
Notice this prediction made for 1881
and actually published with true scten-
tif1c daring three months before the
year began:
WEATHER FOR JUNE.
FIRST WEEK. ..-.........W WIND
SECOND WEEK. SUN
THIRD WEEK. k........... RAIN
FOURTH WEEK. ..... CLOUDS
Readers will be glad to know that
the records show that this prophecy
turned out to be absolutely true. II
was followed-for these men made a
rule of duplicating every succesS-oy
a prophecy for January, 1882, which
came right to a dot.
WEATHER FOR JANUARY.
FIRST WEEK. K........... SNOW
SECOND WEEK. .SLEET
THIRD WEEK. .......... .COLD
FOURTH WEEK. FREEZING
One admits that these men Of course
were geniuses. But it seems pity
that our scientists today can come no
closer to initiating their success than
to publish such limited things as:
WASHINGTON, D. c., AN.
"An area Of low depression is NOV
ing up from the Gulf of Mexico to
the Appalachian region. There Is a
steady rise In temperature in Tomb
stone, Arizona, but the barometer and
the thermometer and the thermometer
are all very low at White Fish, Lake
Superior
Quite so. And what is the weather
going to be? Never mind the low
depression: we can take something
for that. What about the weather?
Still 7 suppose life can't be all
progress. We must fall behind in
some things In this prophecy bust
ness we are clean out of it.
tCopyright. 1926l
Evening star., 1926-02-21

Well certainly am impressed
with you, George, I says. And l
didn't get no further then that, on
account about then our Junior rushed
into the room and says Mr.. Hincus
was down in the living room and
wanted to see poppa and momma.
Well. for some reason George wasn't
exactly cordial about me coming down
with him, but try and prevent me!
was just wild to see Georges boss and
/ was even wilder after had done SO.
although not with him. Mr.. Hincus
was real sweet and cordial as pre-war
apricot brandy.
so this Is the little woman" he
says on meeting me, well. well.
charmed I am sure. Now I have a
nice little surprise for you both and
into the neighborhood and / was out
for little stroll. l though I would
just drop in and tell it to you" Yes?
says we. Yes" says he. Now
Jules, my good man, l heard today.
from my stenographer. Miss Nothing.
that you wanted to ask me for a ten
dollar raise. but were afraid to tell me
so. Now you must not blame the little
girl for repeating it to me. know you
mentioned the matter to her in the
str1ctest confidence. so it was only
natural that she would have come d.
rectly to me about 1t.
She also confided to me your idea
about the non-freeZing buttonhole.
And 1 may say that it Is not bad
idea-not half bad. but it is of no use
to our firm because most of our clients
are in FyRrida this Winter and we are
devoting Nur attention to a little in
vention OF my own-an extra strength
buttonhole especially constructed for
holding real estate insignia in the
lapel. But about the raise. don't
worry, you shall have five a week
more, beginning on Saturday next,
and another five in six months, II you
continue to do as well with your gross.
Now good night, folks"
And before 1 got a chance to open
my mouth he was gone, and 50 was
George. Mr.. Hincus left by the front
door, and Junior could show me which
way George had went, his young eyes
Is quicker then mine. So 1 followed
George up to the bathroom, and there
of all things II he wasn't shaving off
that beard
Well George Jules. says. Of all
things. And why are you doing that? ?
George looked out at me across the
foam and give one dying gasp.
I been thinking over what you said
about great men and boards, he says,
and realize where the boss wouldn't
think so much of me II there wasn't
something great about me. But Gen.
George Washington never had beard,
and from now on, neither do l.
tCopyriEht. 1926D
Evening star., 1926-02-21
BY SAM HELLMAN.

/T HESE safety first cam
- paigns don't seem to help
much" remarks the frau.
NO" says I. Young
fellers will insist on get
ting married"
Pm talking about automobile acci-
DENTS" comes back the misses, cold.
Did you know that more than 10000
folks were killed last year,"
Sounds reasonable" l returns.
Reasonable" exclaims the wife.
Does 1t seem reasonable to you that
that many people should be killed
after all the years of safety campaign
ing?"
number if everybody got killed that
ought to be. killed"
What do you mean-ought?" de-
nlandS Kate.
How many lads 1 asks, have
YOU seen beating trains across the
track by the skin Of snakes eye
teeth? How many guys have you
seen cutting through traffic at the
rate of eighty-six miles and two
blocks per the hour. If every one OF
'em had been killed in 1925 there
would have been no accidents in 1926.
The trouble Is that not enough auto
mobile drivers were killed last year
and too many innocent bystanders.
Those reckless babies who haven't
been bumped off are q menace az
long as they live, aren't they?"
Maybe they won't be SO reckless
this year" suggests Kate.
Bunk I snorts. The unburned
child don't dread the fire and reck-
less driver stays reckless as long as
he can get away with his reckless
ness"
Il thought" says the frau, that
these safety campaigns would
safety campaigns help a lot." I
cuts in, but all the safety campaigns
in the world air't going to stop
bimbo saturated with bad hooch from
trying to take a slippery curve at
eighty miles an hour; no Stop. look
and listen sign is going to prevent Q
cake eater from driving with 'one
hand, and all the talk in the country
won't wipe out the pesty breed Of
show.offs.'
IT was reading the other day" re-
marks Kate, where a man had q
plan to cut down speeding
What was that?" I asks. "A
scheme to put square wheels on the
machines?"
No returns the wife. solemn, this
was another idea. This man had a
kind of machine that regulated the
speed of the car. He suggested that
after a driver was arrested once the
din4us be 30 attached and locked that
the automobile wouldn't be able to go
more than twenty miles IN hour. II
he was arrested again for speed
'fnG- -...
Evening star., 1926-02-21
How Would You Stop Motor Accidents.
1t You Had to Settle the Big Problem?

How could he be-" I interrupts. "if
he couldn't go more than twenty miles
an hour?'
II didn't think of that" admits the
misses, and maybe the inventor
didn't, either, but that's got nothing
to do with the effectiveness of the
scheme, has it?'
NO" assures her, mot any more
than food has anything to do with a
meal; but go on
"If he was arrested a second time !"
goes on the wife, another notch
would be taken in the dingus and it
wouldn't be able to go more than
fifteen miles an hour. Then, II he
was arrested a third time, he
What for now?" cuts in. Block
ing trafflc2'
For the third offense," continues
the misses, "the speed would be cut to
ten miles an hour
What would happen" | inquiries,
IF he was pinched a fourth time?
Would they fix it SO the machine
would only go in reverse"
Don't be silly" snaps Kate. 'I
think some kind of scheme that would
cut down speed would be a good thing.
don't you?"
mo, I DON'T" I tells her. Speed
hasn't much to do with accidents"
what has?" asks the frau, sar-
Evening star., 1926-02-21

like us to do. I had no idea you
weren't perfectly content. we are more
then satisfied with your work. what
would you suggest we do to econo-
mize, for instance" Well, of course
after all I've stood from that big fish
in the past, I hadn't no intention OF
letting him off too easy, so l says
well, you poor old oil can, I suppose
1 can't commence by telling you to
fire yourself first, which Is what we
really need.
But outside of that, l think first Of
all l better come in here as general
manager. Then I think we better sec
about either buying a new Office build
something around a million and a hall.
we could easily finance that, see, by
putting out a new buttonhole. some
thing entirely up to date-I have the
very idea, a non-freezing buttonhole
that will never freeze solid during the
night and make you late mornings on
account you have to open them with
the meat axe before you are able to
dress. like you do with the ordinary
buttonhole this cold weather. see?
1 would be perfectly willing to sell
you that idea for fifty-one per cent Of
the stock. That's a magnificent in.
Vention, Jules he says. Was there
anything else you wanted?" Well,
I'd like to have you call me sir"
when you speak to me from now on.
says.
Hot Bozo. I says. with the auto
matte admirat ton which Geo. always
expects when he gets talking that
way. You certainly told him where to
get Off. didn't you. dear. well I'll bet
he deserved 1t, the brute.
Oh. he amt exactly a brute, says
Geo. He's merely a poor nitwit that
amt fit to be holding his Job, why II /
had had his opportunity and my
brains, heavens knows where I would
be by today. I certainly handed him
some few home-truths, though and
I'm glad done SO. Well dear, I SAYS,
how about you going with that other
concern?
Oh them, says Geo, guess I could
get with them if I was to try, I know
the feller who takes the senior mem.
ber's wife's dog to walk, real well. I
could just send in my card anytime.
Yes dear. / says, but didn't Mr.. Hin.
Gus say anything definite to you about
a raise after all you told him for his
own good? No, not exactly. says Geo.
But I expect to hear from him on the
matter Of salary tomorrow, II he does
the right thing he will certainly give
me at least a hundred a week moro
then I am now getting, especially
after the long talk we had together
tOday
Evening star., 1926-02-21

~ ONTINUED observations of
the columns OF the press ex-
tended over fifty-six years
and ten days without remis-
sion has convinced me that
the prophecy business is in danger of
extinction. A generation or so ago
the opening months Of the year were
always filled with the striking fore
casts Of what was going to happen
in the course Of the year. 1t was a
regular part of the newspaper bust
ness.
Take the simplest case of all-the
end Of the world. This little event,
quiet and insignificant though it may
seem to us after the excitement of
always used to fill a large share of
public attention. There was a very
general notion that the world was
bound to come to an end-a bad end
and that unless people were on the
alert and looking for 1t, they might
miss it. Hence the annual crop of
prophecies which ran in the press
from New Years day till about Eas-
ter time and which correSponded more
or less to the following samples, from
the year 1886:
STARTLING FoRECAST-A Rus
sian peasant, living in Semipalatinsk
flhS IOTcIOlO tIldl lile Woild VIII clii
in August. The widest excitement
prevails not only in Semipalatinsk
but in the whole of 1t.
EXTRAORDINARY PRoPHECY-
Rumbumbabad, India. April l. The
into a turmoil by the prophecy OF
Ram Slim. a Yogi Of this district, who
has foretold that the world will come
to an end in September. People are
pouring into Rumbumbabad in OK
carts from all directions. Business in
Rumbumbabad is at a standstill.
EXCITEMENT IN MIDGEVILLE.
OHIO-Wiuiam Bessemer Jones,
retired farmer Of Cuyahoga, Ohio, has
foretold that the world will end in
October. People are flocking into
Midgeville in lumber wagons from all
parts of the country. Jones, who
bases his prophecy on the Bible, had
hitherto been thought to be half-wit
ted This is now recognized to have
been a wrong estimate of his powers.
Business in Midgeville is at a stand
still.
INDIANS QUIT WORK - Dogs
Foot, Wyoming April /. An Indian
of the Cheyenne tribe has foretold that
the world will end in December. Busi-
ness among the Indians is at a stand
still.
DECLINE OF AN INSTITUTION.
On the other hand. so far at least as
I know nothing serious has been done
about the end of the world for years
past. In place Of the good old proph
ecies the only thing we can find in
the press is something of this sort:
London, February 81, 1926-Speak
ing at a meeting of the British Asso-
citation. Sir oliver Lodge estimated the
probable duration of the solar system
at 200, 100000 years. Beyond that
he was unwilling to make any definite
promise. He added that our own globe
might cease to be habitable after
much shorter period, perhaps only
100, ,000, 900 years. At the close of the
Evening star., 1926-02-21
srRoNc."

Germ was showing a little greater ap-
probation Of my efforts for them. Oh,
l put 1t nice, but / certainly went
right to 1t strong! Mr.. Hincus,
says, do you realize how few really
worth while buttonhole statesmen there
are in this country? I says. 1 mean
men, old boy, who can sell button
holes to a one-piece bathing suit con-
Germ? Who know how to thoroughly
cooperate with the big men in the
Button Industry, and get bigger and
better buttons right into the place
where they belong any season of the
year. even when it's so cold that the
early morning button simply won't
turn over? See. Jennie. that's the
way put it to him, straight from the
shoulder. No? I says. And Geo. from
my tone took it for yes.
Yes sir, he says. and was old Hin
Gus surprised? mean he was,
why no, Mr.. Jules" he says, "how
many such statesmen are there in the
country" See. real attentive, and
kinda caught by my personality Wen,
old timer, there are only as many as
would fill the state hangman's nooses
between here and California, and it's
fact that 1 am one of them.
Well, my dear, I could see he was
at once impressed with my knowledge
OF statistics. SO l set down and give
him a few more, not in a way to
make him feel too cheap yaunder-
stand. but with plenty punch Now
Mr.. Hincus, / told him, / understand
that l am a. pretty valuable man
around here, not that I want to boost
myself. but other firms are making
me pretty handsome offers, on ac-
count principally Sof my unusual abil-
1ty to tell a slip-stitch lob from a
hand hammered one with my eyes
blindfolded.
The Self-Buttoning Buttonhole peo-
pie are putting out a new line of
laundry-proof stuff for underwear. and
l understand they would like me to
handle tt-in fact, their man Whosis
insisted on me handling a sample at
lunch yesterday. but / am loyal to
this firm, little as think Of what you
folks pay me. and Of my utter con-
tempt for the way the office is run.
wouldn't want to hurt your feelings,
but Ill stay with you, if you insist,
at the proper figure, and quite frank
ly, Mr.. Htncus. / am willing to throw
in some advice about how the place
could be one hundred per cent i'm
proved. yes, by George, one hundred
per cent.
No? 1 says again. in the same tone.
Yes! says Geo. And 1 mean the old
fool certainly was impressed. "Well.
old man." he says to me, that is
pretty decent of you, what would you
Evening star., 1926-02-21

for c, for u, 8 for A, and for R
produced the date 1883 and indicted
that some attempt would be made to
aSsassinate the Car.
Madame de Clichy's newest proph-
ecy is that the present year 1889
will be one of great diSa sters. She
predicts storms, wars, disasters at
sea and earthquakes in all directions,
together with plaques, dust, winds,
locusts, flies. and other disadvantages.
The distinguished clairvoyante has
come into immediate popularity in
Paris. 1t is felt that her forecast
easily eclipSes anything attempted
hitherto, and great things are expected
of her. Her salon is besieged by eager
crowds night and day. She may
prophecy again at any moment.
THE STATISTICAL FORECAST
OF TODAY
Compare with the eager pulsating
life of this prophecy the cold and
chilling business forecast" that ap-
peared in the press last week.
Professor Glump, chief statistical n
of the Giump Business Bureau, has
just sent out an advance indication of
business conditions during the coming
Evening star., 1926-02-21
Puzzling Questions Easily Answered
In This Column by 1.-THE Perfect Fool"

took couple of schooners of the kind
Of stuff they are making now. there is
no telling what he would discover.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am filling out an
application for job as letter car
rier. One of the questions is: How
far is it from Boston to Tucson,
Ariz.?" What answer shall 1 give?
WILL I. B. WON.
Answer: Tell the Government if that
is to be your route you don't want
the job without an airplane.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: | am book
keeper in an office where also works
a pretty office girl. Yesterday we had
an argument and she called me a
snake. Wasn't that awful?
Truly yours.
I. PUSHAPEN.
Answer: Don't take it to heart. 1t
sounds worse than what she probably
meant. You see. you are q book
kssRsx paA she called you a 'saaks"
Evening star., 1926-02-21

personal. What would you do to stop
automobile accidents?"
"In the first place" says I, "I
wouldn't arrest reckless drivers. I'd
encourage them?"
What do you mean?" puzzles the
misses.
WELL" says I. I'D get a line on
who the lads were in my precinct that
were trying to speed over the tenders
of locomotives and zigzag through
traffic at the rate OF umpty-eight
miles minute. After I had about
20 Of them ucketed I'd send 'em an
invitation to a battle royal"
What's that?" inquiries Kate.
"A battle royal" I explains, "fs a
fight where you put about ten men
in the same ring. They batter each
other up until one is left. He wins
the prize
What" asks the frau, has this
got to do with the case?"
I'D get me a mile straightaway," I
goes on, ''and put ten drivers on one
end of the track and ten on the other.
There'd just be room for ten cars.
And then I'd send them speeding at
each other. I'd have 'em drivinA at
each other until all of them were
bumped off except one, and I'd give
him the prize"
"The prize being?" asks Kate.
''The choice between 80 days on the
rockpile." replies. "and Job on the
rockpile for 80 days.
why don't you be serious?" urges
the misses. isn't there any way to
make driving SAFER
NO." I growls. mot as long as
fat:headed parents are going to place
high-powered torpedoes in the hands
Of 16 and II year old kids with no
sense Of responsibility and a newly
developed. appetite for gin.- Not as
long as a millionaire's son is going to
be fined IS for going so miles an hour
through children's playground
Not as long as folks are going to
fight over the right Of way, as II it
made any difference who's right Of
way It is.''
"What do you mean7" snaps the
frau. TT makes no difference who's
right Of way It is.'
:'IIl recite the answer" says I:
Hero lee the body Of Johnny Ray.
Who died protesting the right OF way.
He was right. dead right, ss he sped along
But he's Just as dead rs IL he'd been wrong.
tCopyriRht. 1920
Evening star., 1926-02-21

because you are a bookkeeper, mean
Ing that you were an adder
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am a man 80
years Of age. I am a manager of
the hairnet department in a sc and 10c
store. I rode my bicycle way out In
the country last Sunday. A wild COW
chased me for 2 miles. I found out
later the COW was mad because she
lost her calf, but why did she chase
me?
Yours truly,
I. NEVERSHAVE.
Answer: The COW most likely took
You for the calf
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l notice at all the
bathing resorts that in the last five
years moths have almost entirely dis
appeared. Can you account for them
staying away from beach resorts?
Yours truly,
G.. DERCHEST.
AQSweri The reason moths stay
Evening star., 1926-02-21

away from bathing beaches nova
days is because of the women's bath
ing suits. The moths realize they
would starve to death.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: am a boy nine
years of age. My Sunday School les
son last week was all about Adam
in the Garden Of Eden. I noticed that
nothing was said about Adam as a
baby. I spoke to mother about 1t
and she says the reason Adam was
never a baby was because there was
no one to nurse him. Do do believe
that?
Yours truly,
l. NJ. THINKING.
Answer: Next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
Ed. Wynn. as he has often told you is one
of the Wisest men in the world. He sees
all-he knows all. Do you think you can
stump him with any kind Of q Question?
If you do, send 1t to him in care Of the
editor of this paper and watch for his repiy
EopyEight 1926.l