davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
Invitation Was Gracefully Declined,
But Rings Telegram Proves Mystery

The fraternity is also making an
effort to bring Irwin :. Cobb TO Yer
million as an added attraction. To
date no reply has been received from
the famous short story writer and
humoriSt
According to the present plan the
creator of You know Me Al will be
asked TO preside as Roastmaster for
the evening. In the event he accepts
that position the success of the dinner
Will be assured, as Mr.. Lardner has
acted as RoastmaSter in the annual
Gridiron Nights in Washington, D. c.,
sponsored by the Washington Press
Club
Now the above item is substantial
ly true except as follows:
i. did not send no telegram al no
time as stated, but did write them a
letter and say / could not be present
on the date mentioned as that is our
nurses night out.
2. The sum of 500 and no hundreds
dollars would not buy the trousseau
required for the trip, such as snow
shoes. sleeping bag, team of dogs,
and etc.
3. Mr.. Lardner has never even been
invited to act as ''Roastmaster" (what
funny world at the Gridiron dinner
in Washington and to date has reed.
only one invitation to even attend
same
l Will take this occasion, however.
of advising the boys not to worry
about Mr.. Cobb's failure 10 reply. Mr..
Cobb, l understand, is practically
there by this time, having undertaken
the journey on fl. His regular price
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10

Tor a function like this is $4,000 and
expenses. but he only soakS YOU SOS. 90
when he is an added attraction, and
his expenses won't he nothing 70
speak Of as Mrs. Cobb put him up a
nice lunch.
No. my friends and admirers.
must ask your indulgents to try and
get along without me as a spell
binder. L can't even spell, let alone
bind And am in the hopes that YOU
VIII take this little article as blanket
demurrer and not keep on asking me
as it only means heartache for both
of US. Not only is public speaking
a physical and moral impossibility as
far as am concerned, but l am under
the impression that il is becoming
tougher and tougher even for those
who can and will speak. | gathered
this impression at the last banquet I
attended, an affair given by Christy
Walsh at which the guests of honor
was Babe Ruth, Fielding II. Yost.
knute Rockne, Glenn Warner and
Tad Jones. The Babe didn't say more
than fifty words. that is different
words. and ChriSty made an effort to
help the other speakers by requesting
we boys to ask each of them a cues
ton, the answering of which would
give them something to say. Now
when il becomes necessary to give a
foot ball coach something to say. il
means we are headed for a long and
prosperous era of lockjaw.
Personly | am afraid l was as
much of Il flop as usual I couldn't
think of nothing to ask Messrs Yost
Rockne and Warner.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10

another had been in trouble over run
ming down somebody with an automo-
bile"
What" I cuts In, did all Of this
have to do with the case?"
1T had as much to do with the
case returns High Dome" "as the
price of friend spinach in Siam has,
but according to the law of evidence
you can treat a witness like a crook
as reward for him trying to help the
State out. Anyhow" goes on Fin
negan, the mouthpiece finished up by
showing that the cop who'd made the
pinch had been suspended IL years
before for beating up a crook with a
rubber hose. I could see the case slip
ping right there. That's the best bet
lawyers have-going after the cop.
All you got to do is to show that he
was brutal once and everybody that
was ever bawled out by traffic cop
and that's verybody-immediat
flops over to the side of the bird that
was treated rough"
so the lead-pipe baby got off, eh?''
/ remarks.
I'm say he did," returns High
Dome" by the time the lawyer got
done telling about the dips wife and
two children the jury was blubbering
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
Il WAS CLAD TO FIND THAT THE JANIToRs STRIKE Is orr
ARE STRIKINC?' l ASKED NO, RKINC'

might not be any good They wouldn't
take it.
FRIDAY
Nervous and depressed all day. The
coal strike is still unsettled; those
fellows in South America are now
definitely out, and now there are
rumors OF q big strike OF West
African kroo Boys and the Egyptian
Fella heen. What it is that will go
up if they strike, | don't remember,
but something will.
Coming TO the Office this morning
noticed the janitor who was sitting
on the steps. He greeted me quietly,
but ii seemed 10 me with a certain
reserve. II am sorry to say. Sir" he
said. that I may not be working to-
morrow" Are you ill.," | asked.
No" he said "a sympathetic strike.
It's because I'm sorry for myself"
SATURDAY
This morning there looks to be "a
good hope about the coal strike. They
say that in the mining district a
number of prominent people are try
ing 10 get the mine owners and the
men to come together. The owners
have made an offer To the men that
they will shorten their day by half
an hour q the men will agree to an
increase in the price of nut coal by
a dollar and a half, with an increase
in wages OF 10 per cent. The en-
ployes offer in return an increase of
profits of Is per cent.
Everything now seems to depend
on what can be done by the citizens
committee. I understand that there
are a lot of big men working on the
thing and a group of big women with
fhGI11-Fpallv OneG-an1
are trying to get the employers and
men together. They have already
nearly got them together, once or
twice.
The first tins they tried 10 get
them into a restaurant together. but
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10

All, yes, she says. I think it will be
all right for you to go on up. number
1913, take the elevator, please.
Well, that nurse may of thought IL
was all right for me to go right up,
but before the boy had reached the
thirteenth floor | didn't feel so sure,
on account at about the second floor
two walters. or something. trundled
into the cage with me a little white
table built something on the style of
a ironing board, and although ii was
perfectly empty, something told me
1t wasn't meant to eat on. and l didn't
care for it, az all. In fact there was
absolutely nothing attractive about It,.
x
A ND Hot Bozo! if the darned thing
didn't get taken off at the same
floor as me. and go trundling down
the corridor right ahead. This was
morn l could stand and turned TO
the elevator boy. for comfort. Hey,
boy. l says. which way Is thirteen
thirteen? And the elevator chauffeur
says foller the band wagon. it's six
corridors down and two 10 the right
last door on the left. leave operating
room on your right. crossing bridge.
to Annex.
Well, when he handed ME them di-
rections. I took one good look at all
the open doors along the hall. Heav-
ems knew what kind of room they was
opening on. or what a person might
see inside. If rash enough to look AS
for how I felt when l thought of what
might come out of them doors at any
minute. why / weakened Completelv
but just too late, seeing that the ele-
vator door was already slammed
leaving me to my fate. and the ele
vator travelling down at a terrible
rate. So, with my heart doing the
same l walked ahead. trying not to
look as l done so. And after passing
flowers. and about a million years of
expected the body to be found
Well. I didn't waste no time knock
ing. and when the nurse let me in
there was In the bed a person which
she assured me II was Mabel Bush.
but naturally she seemed a perfect
stranger to me-perfect in the one
sense only, nobody could OF called
her really perfect in the best sense,
not with that horse-a nd buggy period
nightgown on, and her hair brushed
the way it was easiest for the nurse.
SO she says why hello. dear, And
| says, hello. Mabel. in a brave, cheer
full tone calculated to make the
healthiest person worry about their
self. Hello. dear, why. you are look
ing fine. I says And Mabel says
now Jennie Jules, how can you be
SO unsympathetic, I've had a per-
fectly awful time, why do you know
the doctor told me only this morning
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10

and so on, he simply means you must
be able to sew on buttons.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: My birthday was
January 4. My girl sent me pair of
gloves for a present but they are too
large for me. What shall l do?
Yours truly
A. B. SEEDEE.
Answer: Just pour about u ounce
of Scotch whisky on them. If it's the
kind Of Scotch they're selling now, u
ounce will make them tight.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am enga ged 10 a
young lady who insists on picking out
my clothes for me. Do you think it
is right for me to let her do it?
Truly yours,
x. EYETED.
Answer: You must cater to all the
whims Of your fiancee. In the first
place you'll find the reason she
chooses all your clothes now is be-
cause you are only engaged to be
married. After you're married she'll
only pick your pockets.
choir. The minister told us he wanted
us to sing Little Drops of Water" at
next Sundays services. He said we
don't sing loud enough. He also said
that next Sunday I should open my
mouth wider when I sing Little
Drops of Water" and put some spirit
in 1t. Do you think that was a nice
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10

how about little fruit? So I tried
the grocer-tried him considerably
l guess, picking the stuff over like
l did. but as he had no grapefruit,
I finally walked out on him, too.
Outside, says to myself. Hot BoZo!
since things Is so high. why don't
| buy her something real practical,
something she can make use out of
after she gets her strength back and
that at the same time Will show
her my feelings?
And then. just as I was walking
rapidly along Main st. what should
/ notice in Junk's Hardware Co.
only the cutest new hammers at only
Csc net. so I dashed in and had them
take the price off of one and wrap
it up nice After which / was all
set for the hospital. feeling thor
oughly satisfied with what a big
hearted Hannah l was, and realiz-
ing where. if Mabel didn't live, my
present would at any rate come in
handy for the undertaken.
THE Aunty Sceptic Hospital is one
OF the finest buildings we got in
Dinglewood. and is operated on a
very broadminded basis. l don't
mean alone that the surgeons there
is notedly broadminded about wheth-
er the patient lives or dies, I mean
they are also the same about who
they allow in. and there is a lovely
sediment to this effect in carved
stone over the main entrance. 1t
says Devoted to The Charge of the
Sick, Without Regard to Politics,
Bank Account or lmpeachments."
And by all accounts they certainly
do charge wonderfully.
| personally myself hadn't never
been in the bldg. before. so ! didn't
hardly know how to speak to the
lady in the white linen kelly which
was sitting behind the big desk. But
l needn't of bothered on account she
spoke first. giving me a piercing look.
and she says, well, what's the matter
with you? And l says we'll, that's me,
perfectly well.
Who d'you wanner see? says she
then, not in the least believing me,
and ex-raying my face with a glance
like she was counting the filings in
my teeth even before I had a chanst
to open my mouth. Well. 1 wanner
see a patient. / says to her in a weak
voice. What color, says the nurse.
/ amt sure, | says, on account l have
never seen her without her makeup.
but I guess that after the operation
she must be fairly white, l says. Any
ways, she's a particular friend Of
mine. a Mrs. Joe Bush.
The nurse didn't believe me, even
then. until she had read up the law,
or something in a big book where she
seemed to have all the awful details
parked. Then she looked up at me.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10

some slipped out Then they nearly
but some got frightened and escaped.
| hadn't the heart TO read about
the South American meat strikes.
guess therell be no meat now for
weeks OF course It won't matter
so much 10 me personally, since /
can't eat as long as James is 'out. "
| passed him today going into a
moving picture place: he said he
might stay "out" for a month.
l forgot to say that the janitor has
struck. l passed him sitting on the
steps. Are you working?" I said.
NO" he answered. I've struck"
MONDAY
Things certainly look good today.
l went down to work fairly whistling
and singing. II appears by the
papers that the whole trouble with
the steYedores in South America has
been cleared up. The men have con
scented to an increase in the price of
steers on the hoof OF 10 per cent
and, in return, the shipping company
accepts an increase in the price of
frozen meat by cents a pound. The
whole thing certainly looks fine.
Meantime the papers say that the
Egyptian feIlaheen show signs of
collapsing. Oh. my. I hope they col
lapse. Say, 7 hope they just collapse
as fiat as the valley of the Nile.
AS TO ENGLAND things are good,
The big strike was called off at ex-
actly one minute 10 midnight The
Bishop Of London. it seems, has been
working hard and just got the thing
stopped in time. He just walked
right in to one of the meetings of the
men and said in his CHEEKY way,
Nov, look here, what is all this
about. anyway" The men all rose
up and cheered him. 1t seems that
they have never seen it in that clear
LIGHT before
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
American Crime Crop and the Remedy,
According to- High Dome" Finnegan

How do you figure that" I asks.
Il happened to be in court the other
day. replies High Dome" where a
dip was on trial for robbery and as
sault. He frisked a guy and then beat
him up in the bargain, on account of
the victim not having enough loot for
him. About 1000 saw the job pulled,
and the guy on trial had a criminal
record as long as your arm. The jury
was made up of the usual flatheads
that a lawyer will select when he
hasn't got a case. About three of them
didn't understand enough English to
know what the testimony was all
about. six more of 'em didn't have
enough intelligence to understand
what was going on. one doZed all of
the time and the other two We're sore
about being called for jury duty and
acted like they were going to get even
by returning the wrong verdict"
What happened" I asked.
The stick-up mans lawyer" goes
on F'innegan, like I told you. didn't
have a case, so he went on to show
that a lot of the witnesses had bad
records, one of 'em had been arrested
for using the American flag for an ad,
another had been pinched 20 years be-
fore on the charge Of stealing a dog,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
BY ED WYNN.

~ EAR MIR. WYNN: I was rid
ing in a trolley car yester-
day. Sitting opposite me was
- a man reading a Texas news
paper. As he started of the
car I saw a headline in his paper
which read: "Well Known Mexican
Flees With $4,000 My curiosity Is
aroused, as 1 saw nothing in the New
York papers about it. What do you
know about it? Truly yours.
NICK l.. RIDE.
Answer. Don't believe it. Looks to
me as if the Mexican government is
irving to take the edge off the Flor
ida boom and get the people to go to
their country. 1t is true that Mexican
fees are well known, but 1 doubt If
they have any money.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: There is a chap
lives next door to me and l absolutely
know he is a bootlegger. He has
sign in front Of his home which says
he is a Marine Attorney Can you
see any connection between the sign
and what he does for a living?
Yours truly,
u. MAYNO.
Answer: My dear friend. I'm sur
prised at YOU A marine lawyer" is
the same as a "bootlegger." A ina
rine lawyer is a fellow who takes
cases off ships.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Do you think trav-
cling broadens ones mind? The rea-
son ] ask is, have the opportunity to
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
Telephone in Elevator.

NoTIc1No that apartment house
tenants seemed fond Of airing
their troubles to elevator operators.
the owner of a de, luxe apartment
house In New York City installed an
unseen telephone in the elevator, says
Popular Science Monthly. AS a ten
ant rides up or down in the elevator,
she unknowingly talks to young man
at the other end Of the line, who is
sitting out Of sight in the entrance
hall below. If she tells him about the
burned-out fuse, or the leak in the
sink, the matter is attended to at
once, and tn. Apartment-house gears
shift smoothly. 1t is a great success,
according to reports, in keeping the
tenants contenr with their landlord.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
BY SAM HELLMAN.

~ SEE" 1 remarks to High
Dome" Finnegan. where
they've organized a big COM
mittee TO find out what
makes the crime crop grow
SO good in America
Yea says he. but it's the bunk.
You don't need no committees to dis
cover why the porch climbing and
second-story games are flourishing.
All you got to do IS to take a look at
the Chapman case, you know, the guy
that bumped off a cop down - Con
necticut'
"How's that o. l inquiries.
There's a bimbo," explains High
Dome" that's been robbine banks
and such for about 10 or II years,
shooting a bank cashier or police
man every now and then t. keep up
his pistol practice, and here he is to-
day having a debate with TIE Supreme
Court about what the. should do
about him.
You can <.aIl it off for years and
years until most Of the witnesses that
know anything about the case have
shuffied off or forget all they ever
knew. With enough jack this lad
Chapman II he able to get rehearing
or two. and after that's Topped, good
mOuthpiece II be able to show that
the crook went balmy while in Jail and
get sanity commission to look hun
over"
Maybe" says I. but all of that
Amt going to Go him any good
Perhaps not returns Finnegan,
~but it's going to give him time, and
times a big thing with a bobo that
can walk out Of jails almost at will.
Besides you got to remember that this
Chapman babyS got brains and he
can probably fake insanity good
enough to get by some of them high
priced aliens.
You can't blame a guy for using
every trick they is in the book to get
O. client off. no more than you can
blame a bGx-fighter for using every
trick to squ::sh the other baby. What
we call criminal laws in America to-
Sav amt nothing but a Swiss cheese"
1iuh"' l inquiries.
Just a bunch Of holes joined to-
Eether," explains Finnegan, and it
don't even take a good lawyer to find
O. dozen or SO to drag his client
through. OF course, the birds that
made the laws had the best intentions
in the world, but they went so goofy
over protecting the property and per-
sonai rights of the crooks that they
forgot all about the rights of the guys
that weren't in bad with the bulls. I
guess the jury system Is responsible
more than anything else for the per-
mansnt crime wave we got"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-10
Pages From the Diary of Consumer
Reveal a Great Industrial Struggle

Meantime I was glad TO find that
the janitorS strike is off. I passed
him today sitting on the steps. Are
you striking?" I asked. NO" he
said, I'm working"
TUESDAY
,, The whole situation has collapsed
again. Just when everything seemed
settled In the coal strike and when
the men had consented to accept
20 per cent increased pay in return
for shortening the day by one hour
and the owners We're to consent to a
| 20 per cent increase of profits in re
turn for a SO per cent increase of
prices. the whole settlement was
upset again.
This time it's not the matter Of
| wages. It's a side issue. II concerns
a question OF welfare work in the
mining districts. 1t seems that the
mine owners have been giving the
employees Sunday afternoon entertain
| ments in the Rest House of the Wei
| fare Guild. They call them Pleasant
| Sunday Afternoons and they have
| music and lectures.
The men claim that the man who
| plays the saxophone is no good and
| they want him fired The owners
refuse. and so the whole strike IS on
! again. A million and a half men
are to lay down their picks, Just when
| they had almost picked them up.
| It all sounds terrible. And with
! il comes the news that the English
/ lockers are out again they slipped
on the question of organizing a foor
! ball team. and the South American
! meat strike has burst out worse thar
ever-what on earth Will become Of
/ us,
WEDNESDAY
Say, [ went home last night and L
sat up half the night shivering with
fear about all these strikes and what
was going to happen-and l fell
asleep in my chair-and, do you
know, when 1 woke up in the morn
ing and jumped up out Of my chair.
| all OF sudden I got mad about the
whole thing-just absolutely and com
| pletelv mad
! Let them strike, | said, III
| show them something.
! I've Just made up my mind what III
! do Two can play at this game. l am
| what is called a consumer and l just
| won't consume. I won't eat. and l
| won't use any coal, III freeze. III
starve. IN walk 70 workout I'll
! show them.
| | called up my coal man and I cour-
ter-ordered all the nut coal l had ask
| ed for. He said he must warn me that
| nut coal is going up again. | said
didn't care. I wasn't going to use any.
asked him if he'd ever heard OF
| Amundsen, and Peary. and Sir John
Franklin. He said he hadn't. but that
he was certain they wouldn't sell be
low the set price anyway.
Then l called up the butcher and
| told him that l would take no more
! food for q month. He said Ia get hun
| cry. ] asked him what about Signor
SucCi. ana the Welsh Fasting Girl. l
said they were going TO be nothing
! beside me
l walked down town and on the way
/ met James and Williams. They were
! standing on the street corner and
| Gus, the colored boy. was backing
their boots. They told me that they
were sill out" but that they were
| getting together.
told them that they could go lou"
and stay out''-so far .tout" that
they'd never come back.
And with them can stay "out" the
! whole industrial world.
AS for me, am ar Industrial Revo
| luton all by myself
! Copyright, 1920