davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-11-14
Joke Played by Dan Boone Remembered
By HmnOrist Who Writes of Own Career

"Lardy," he said, why don't you
run for an office?"
"Why? Do you think it is going to
rain?" was my laughing retort.
Boone resented my levity and never
spoke to me again, and every night
for several months thereafter, he at
tempted to get even by ringing my
front doorbell. then hiding behind some
bushes in the yard and shouting
| Pretty fellow when / came to the
door. 1t is my firm belief that If l
had taken his suggestion seriously
that day he would, by the tremen-
dous force of his personality, have
pushed me into judgeship or at least
got me on the Jury. AS it was,
through reading The Americanization
of Edward Box" became interested
In the collection of autograph and
| found it, for time, the most engrOss-
| ing sport in which ! had ever partici-
pated.
In emulation of Mr.. Box. I started
right after the big fellows" my first
objective" being Senator Smoot. A
servant informed me that the senator
was taking a bath. Luckily (for mel
! he had neglected to lock the bathroom
| door, so when l walked in on him,
| took all the towels and told him firmly
| that he could not have one until he
had signed by autograph album, there
was nothing for him to do but com
! ply. He was greatly amused at what
he termed my bonhomie.
My next quarry was Madame Mod
! ieska whose signature l obtained by
| tickling her feet with a Sprig OF holly
Evening star., 1926-11-14
THE OTHER DAY

NO" she replied "It doesn't mat
ter"
We remained standing.
Il was a." she began, when I fl st
saw him.
Henry" asked.
She looked at me and smiled
NO. she said.
bit my lip. Then 1 looked at my
nails, Then l bit my nails. Then I
looked at my feet. Then
I'm sorry" / muttered.
1T was stupid she said
Shall we go on?" l asked, after a
moment.
She hesitated.
He was very beautiful" I asked.
She smiled-that same sad smile.
HE was an Abercrombie," she re-
Piled.
o." said.
do you know Dodge City," she
asked
only to go through" ! replied, and
then l added: WAS 1t Oscar Wilde
who said there are two kinds of
towns-those you live in and those
you go through?'
NO" she replied.
WAS 1t Whistler"
NO"
WAS it."
l stopped. could tell she was get
ting bored. In a few minutes how
ever, / had caught up with her. She
! was breathing rather hard from the
violent run, and it was several min.
utes before we resumed. I led
THE canyon is certainly wonder.
| full" l remarked.
Evening star., 1926-11-14
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

TIME discovery has recently been
made that a college Is a comic
place. People who were never
Il inside the gates Of univer-
sity, and who think that a
Simultaneous equation Is medicine,
now spend their tire reading the new
comic magazines and building up from
them their ideas of what college life
is like. After they have read enough
about 1t and seen pictures Of it, they
get crazy to go to the comic college.
Here is what is seems like to such
readers:
A college itself is represented by
the edge Of a beautiful building with
little clouds floating past it, and two
college girls walking in front of It..
One Of the girls Is called Tootsie and
the other Is called Maisie, and Tootsie
Is saying to Maisie:
What is the name of your new
f1ance?" and Maisie is answering
II don't know. I forgot to ask"
II Tootsie and Maisie are not seen
| walking in front Of the college they
are presented sitting up in one Of the
dormitory rooms. One Of them at least
always sits on the window sill, and
looking glass in the other.
l. 1t Is really the old picture Of the
sirens who sat on the rocks to coax
Ulysses. but as the man who drew it
| never went to college he doesn't know
that. And 1t doesn't matter, anyway.
The sirens have got nothing on Toot.
sic and Maisie. They belong with the
Nautch girls OF Nautchia and the
Hitchi.Kitchi girls of the Marquesas
Islands. In fact. they are all right
except for their passion for repeating
little jokes.
why did you let Gussie kiss you
last night?" asks Maisie.
| Because I didn't know IL was Gus
ste," says Tootsie.
| After which they go on combing
their bobs and eating fudge" These
are the standing occupations of a
comic college girl.
! If Tootsie and Maisie are not called
by those names they are designated
| Fitzie and Nessie or Totsie and Flot.
sie-or. in short, anything that sug-
gests the Marquesas Islands.
Meanwhile, while Tootsie and Mai
sic are getting ready for their college
DAY, we step across into one of the
mems dormitories Just the other side
OF the little clouds, and here, seated
| also on window sills. are two college
Men"-Gussie and Eddie.
The comic college man has a face
cut square. like strawberry box. a
shoulder like right angle and a coat
shaped like the forty-fifth proposition
In Euclid. His face is drawn in a
few lines. with the brains left out,
and II he ever knew alg0sra he gives
no sign Of it. In short. he Is nut.
W hen we see them, Nut No. /
Gussie. is seated on the window.sill
playing a ukulele, and Nut No. has
his ukulele ready to play as soon as
Gussie runs out Of ideas and jokes
the college man sleeps with his
ukulele.
Gussie and Eddie have apparently
the same passion for little dialogue
jokes as Tootsie and Maisie. These
Jokes. a generation ago, were called
| coon jokes; or else they were di.
vided UP between Mike" and Pat
and called Irish humor"; but now
they are known as college wit" and
every man at college cracks one every
10 minutes.
| Consequently, when Gussis the Nut
Evening star., 1926-11-14

until she was glad to do anything to
get rid of me. BY similar pranks and
pleaSantrieS I landed all the PreSi-
dents and most of the witnesses Of the
Halls-NIills murder. I became known
as a kind of a pest, but just the same
I am the owner today of the greatest
collection of famous autographs in the
world and the only question is what
to do with it.
It was for the purpose of adding to
this collection that I visited Philadel-
phia in September of 1926: notabl"s
from all over the country were there
at the time to witness the great heavy
weight championship prize fight be-
tween Jack Dempsey and Gene Tun-
ney. but it developed that very few
Of them could write their names. The
fight went ten rounds and the judges
gave the decision to Mr.. Tunney and
a lot of us boys thought it wou' =
have been a horse on Mr.. Dempsey If
fight that the winner was considering
an offer from G. G. Pyle to join the
ranks of the professionals.
This was my first trip to the City
of Rrotherlv Love* since Gen. Smed-
lev Butler was sent there to clean 1t
up. The result of his work was rev.
elation. Unless you had brought your
own liquor, you could no longer get a
drink in Philadelphia without asking
for it.
(*Editor's note: Philadelphia.)
Philadelphia at that time had box
ing commission something like New
York's. CNo offense meant) The COM
Evening star., 1926-11-14

q TANDING on the edge of the
Grand Canyon and looking to-
ward the other side / was in
~ terrupted by woman and her
husband
II beg your pardon" said the wom-
an. "but can you tell me where | can
find the Grand Canyon
/ turned around.
This is the Grand Canyon" re-
piled
The woman turned to her husband.
See" she said. Il told you So"
The man stepped up beside me and
gazed for several minutes out over
the abyss. Then he spoke to me.
'I thought it would be bigger" he
said
ITS pretty big" replied
He gazed again. Then he shook his
head.
1T isn't big enough" ne said.
Big enough for what?" I asked
The woman interrupted.
Come on, Henry" she said. May
be it's bigger farther down"
Henry turned To me, questioningly.
No" ] replied. Il don't thin; So"
He sighed.
AN my life" he said, i've heard
about the Grand Canyon"
Come, Henry" urged the woman.
Henry heSitated a minute, looked
once more out over the canyon, and
then turned his back.
I'm going up to the hotel" he said.
land smoke a cigar"
The wife hesitated to follow.
'He smokes such bad cigars" she
said.
] smiled. She watched her husba nd
as he slowly moved along. Then she
turned and looked at the canyon.
Il don't think it's 50 bad" she re-
marked. DO you2'
Why, no." l replied. I'm fact,
think it's pretty good
She sighed.
Well" she said. that leaves only
the Panama Canal and the Chinese
Wall. Have you ever seen the
Chinese Wall?" she asked.
No" I replied.
II hope it's big" she said.
There was a moments silence.
And what If it isn't?" I asked.
Well she said, II don't know. I
suppose Wen go hack to Dodge City"
Kansas" I asked.
Kansas" she replied. land I'll be
glad"
Dodge City is where we change
time, isn't it?" ! remarked.
Yes" she replied, but there are
other reasons"
y Wont you, sit down." asked
"Where?"
looked around
Does it natter" l asked.
Evening star., 1926-11-14

makes from mine Isidore weggon-
| heetcherm
| Mr.. Mitzic-You Isidore makes from
mine Muttimer a hockey player!
| Mrs. Feitlebaum - You Muttimer
makes from mine Isidore a reputt-
| cod signer!!!
| Mr.. Mitzic-You Isidore makes from
mine Muttimer a PEECkLE-
Mrs. Feitlebaum-Peeckle vi vi
yi!.!-Wot's witt peeckles??? VI vi
| Look - Mowriss-Meester PlOtkin.!
Wot's dees?
Mr.. Plotkin - Esk heem!!!-I'm
stending in mine sturr commly witt
peaceful so it comes in a wild Hin
dian-So l say: "Goot hefternoon,
Meester Feitlebaum..!-So he trows
me a rotten peeckle in de faze wot he
rons hout from de sturr. Is diss a
system???
Mr.. Feitlebaum - How dare could
you sold mine Isidore sotch a peck
les???
Mr.. Plotkin--I sold heem peeckles!,
How could I sold heem peeckles wot
I deedn't he'd in de sturr a poeckle??M
Was stendng houtsite from mine
sturr for two wicks a berrell rotten
peeckles-
Mr.. MitZic - Yeh-yeh-wot 1t in
wiggles in you Isidore mine Muttimer
dey should stilling de peeckles dey
should spanding de money for kendy
Evening star., 1926-11-14

'Is that from Oscar Wilder" she
asked, with a faint, mocking smile.
She was tracing initials in the dust
with her parasol, and as l stopped
OVER l observed that they were the
initials of my grandfather and also
the initials of the Ambassador Hotel.
l wondered which.
"I wonder which," l said.
What which," she countered.
''Ah," / replied, slightly ironically
"If one only knew"
She had stopped tracing initials and
was engaged IN drawing birds. Soon
she tired OF that and began drawing
houses. Under one house she put
question mark.
"A house" l guessed.
She shook her head. ] looked again.
"a canal boat?"
This also was wrong l began to
despair. Then she added a mustache
to the drawing and ! saw that it was
meant to be President Coolidge.
Are you interested in politics?"
asked
"IIe is" she said, significantly.
"Coolidge?" l asked.
Again that qu:Zzical smile.
o. I said, and was silent. Then
/ ventured a question.
Does your husband know about
it?' I asked.
She shuddered.
You can trust in me-" 1 said en-
couragingly.
She seemed doubtful. / looked for
something to give her confidence.
Look" I said. Here's a letter
addressed to me. And here's receipt
for my last months gas bill. See,"
added encouragingly, Paid in full
signed j. NJ. o.
who's j. NJ. or" she asked sus-
piciouSly
Il don't know" I replied. He's
the fellow down at the gas office"
She still seemed doubtful. / searched
further.
And here" l said, lis a picture Of
my uncle taken when he was quite a
little boy"
She examined the photograph.
at doesn't look like you," she said.
II know" I said. 1T isn't me. It's
my uncle"
"And who is that lady with him?'
she asked.
That's his wife," I replied.
81 thought you said he was a little
boy" she argued.
Let me see" l asked. I took the
photograph.
"Oh," I remarked. THAT was my
mistake. That's his mother"
"And who" she asked, sis that gen.
tlenan with the whiskers?'
"1 hat" I replied, lis the photog-
rapher.
Evening star., 1926-11-14
To Dissipate Fog.

EXPERTS concerned With fog dis
~ sipation have estimated that 277,-
0O000 cubic feet minute or log
drifts at the rate Of tive miles an hour
over a field through a vertical curtain
Of charged air having a radius of 100
feet, with its center on the ground.
One type of apparatus with which the
Navy is experimenting is capable OF
passing through il 10000 cubic feet OF
air a minute, which it charges cleo
trlcally and throws into charged cur
tains. 1t is estimated that these cur
tains can cause the electrical precipI-
tation of about 95 per cent of the fog
moving over the field. thus making a
clear path 1000 feet high and 1000
feet wide over the full length OF the
field.
This apparatus consists of simple
iype of corona charging screen.
transformer with rectifying apparatus.
an airplane propeller and motor. all
mounted on truck An alrplane
propeller driven by a 400-horsepower
engine mounted on swivel has sutfi-
cient power 10 project electrically
charged air over a vertical plane hav-
ing a radius OF 1000 feet. thus form
ing an electrically charged curtain.
through which a fog coming over the
Aeld car rass.
Evening star., 1926-11-14
(To be continued.)
Mountain Elevator.

THE great lift" to carry aspiring
tourists who would eschew the
combined joys and labors Of the noun.
tain climber to the top of the rugged
Wetterhorn, in Switzerland, is one Of
the most interesting devices In the
world.
1t goes up by two stages. each about
1900 feet high. The passenger cages
are lifted by a drum-wound rope and
guided by two pairs Of steel cables,
each about an inch and three.quarters
in diameter. and possessing a tensile
strength of $50 tons. 10 times the
maximum put upon them. The cars
are attached to these cables in such
a manner as to avert a fall in case
of the breaking Of one Of the lifting
ropes. The cars, weighing 5h tons
and carrying 20 passengers apiece, are
lifted vertically at a speed OF about
five feet a second.
Evening star., 1926-11-14

When they meet in the morning on
the campus, all their eight eyes 0hey
have eight among them) are turned
at the same sort of. angle, four to
meet four. This stands for college
iove," and it means that GuSsie and
Eddie have a crush" on Tootsie and
Maisie, and Tootsie and Maisie have
a smash" on Gussie and Eddie. Col
lege love is always pictured as a
series of conclusions.
When they go past one another,
either set OF two whichever has the
turn gets off a dialogue joke:
Ma!sie-'Don't you think that Gus
sic looks awfully like Eddie"
Tootsie-"He does. But Eddie
doesn't look a bit like Gussie."
This joke was once considered one
of the best in Cuba, but now it has
been changed to a piece Of college wit.
When they have finished their walk
across the campus Gussie and Eddie
and Tootsie and Maisie next appear
all seated in a terribly comical place
called classroom, taking part in a
cOmical performance called "recita.
tion." This is carried on under the
guidance of a professor" or prof,
and everybody who reads the college
press knows exactly what he looks
like. He has a bald head and a face
like a hard-boiled egg with the shell
off, held upside down, and much the
same expression as the map of Africa
A citation apparently consists OF
another set of coon jokes just like
the ones used up in the dormitories
Thus:
Gussie looming in late for the class
What is the prof talking about?'
Eddie-"I don't know. He hasn't
said
| All through the recitation and the
| dialogue Tootsie and Maisie are shoot
| ing across the classroom at Gussie
and Eddie appreciative smiles ant
| glances that would knock Marquesas
Evening star., 1926-11-14
Newer Comic Journalism Gives Picture
OF the Advantages of Year at College

has finished his tune on the ukulele
he lays down the instrument and:
Gussie-'Have a cigarette, old
man."
Eddie-"What's wrong with it,"
Then they take their TASKS out of
their hip pockets, have a drink and
hit up another tune nthe ukulele
This is the way in which the comic
college man prepares for his college
day.
When the second tune is done and
another joke cracked, Gussie and
Eddie set out from their room to
ross the campus and their walk is
always timed SO that as they come
nto one side of the picture. Tootsie
and Maisie come into the other.
The campus is represented by two
trees and one bird, and a piece of a
college window and the edge of a
professors gown, but away in the
BACKGROUND are a group of little
figures-nuts and sirens drawn very
small-which are intended to indicate
that something is going on. Most
likely there is college rush, because
college life is so arranged that there
are "rushes" and pushes" and
| "hustles" going on from September
to June.
Any one who studies the college in
| the comic papers knows that the
session begins with the big fresh
man rush" that lasts two weeks and is
followed by the sophomore push
| that goes right on till the big foot ball
| hustle" begins; after that there is
the Christmas rush and the New
Year hootch, and the "scram" and
the prom" and the punch" ending
mencement time. All these keep the
poor nuts, Gussie and Eddie, pretty
busy with their little ukulalcs ant
their TASKS, and Tootsie and Masie
hardly have time to keep their hair
done.
Evening star., 1926-11-14

I Islander out of a bamboo tree at
| hundred yards.
| College love moves fast.
| In fact, you can see it grow from
day to day and from picture to pic
ture. Here are Gussie and Eddie and
Maisie and Tootsie at a college dance
land Gussie is doing the fox-trot-or
the dOg-walk-with Tootsie and is
saying:
| Gussie-"What would you say II l
asked leave to kiss you?'
| Tootsie-"I'll tell you afterward.'
! Or here they are similarly at an
| evening reception, or a college
| ''crush," or a push" or at prom"
! and whatever they are doing the four
are always shooting glances at one an
other and cracking off dialogue. and
when night separates them Gussie
and Eddie sit up on their window sill
and play the ukulele and drink out OF
their TASKS. and Maisie and Tootsie
eat fudge and comb their bobs.
Oh, there's no doubt it is q great
| life. the college life. Ever SO many
people have said that the college life"
Is better than the mere study, and |
must say ] think SO, too. Give me
| ToOtsie and Maisie and F'itZie and
Nessic all around me and I'll guaran-
tee never to study again.
| But meantime the pictures take on
n cast that means that the year is
/ drawing To Its close. The dialogue
I jokes now have reference to the
exams" and to Gussie and Eddie.
the poor nuts, getting "plowed," or
| "hunked," or "plunked." or dropped
out" or "let down" or "tripped up
or any of the other things that hap
pen to nuts in comic colleges. Such
as this:
Tootsie-"I heard Eddie will have
to leave the college,"
Maisie-"No. the college will have
to leave Eddie
Or else:
Maisie-"What degrees is Gussie
going to take?"
Tootsie-'..About 80 degrees Fahren.
heit. He's got to work in coal mine" 4"
All this stands for final scholarship.
With it are another set of little jokes
that indicate the elimination and
crown of college love.
Maisie-"Are you and Gussie en-
gaged?"
Tootsie-"No. but he is"
| And then, just as we expected.
there duly appears the presentation
Of the final comic event of graduation
day, with Maisie and Tootsie In
graduation gowns straight from the
MarqueSdS Islands ana the two nuts
with high collars on (the kind they
use in Spain to kill criminals) and
fiat mortar boards, and they are all
going to get their degrees after all,
and they are all going to get married,
| and play the ukulele and live happily
ever afterward.
It's a great life. this college stuff.
SO let us bless the new comic maga.
zine, after all. 1t has performed once
again the magic literary trick of
making the picture better than the
reality. / am all for 1t.
Copyright 1921
Evening star., 1926-11-14
Hg$M E&$Az
M Xxx Xxx
She seemed puzzled.

She seemed puzzled.
you see." explained. ''the picture
was taken by my uncle's father.
That's why he doesn't appear"
Hmm" said the lady. "It seems
very strange to me that your uncle's
father would have gone to a photog.
rapher and then taken a picture Of
the photographer"
THAT was Just one Of those things"
I explained, and then I added. my
uncle's father was in many respects
quite unique
THE photographer does not seem
to be very happy" commented the
lady.
The lady was silent.
II wonder" she said at last. IF
there are any happy marriages"
II can't tell you." I replied. II am
| on my honeymoon"
oh" she said. sis that lady you are
| with your wife?"
Would you like to see the Mcense?''
asked.
Where is IT."
Right up at the hotel" replied.
1T won't take a minute"
The lady smiled.
They're always up at the hotel. '
she said. and then she added, quickly,
no, please DOlIleT.
you are very bitter" I said.
"You are very young" she replied.
ooh. I don't know" I said. I'm
| not so young"
why, you don't know anything"
she argued.
II do, too" I replied. "Ask me
some questions"
The lady considered.
well" she said. who was the
eleventh President Of the United
States?"
Andrew Jackson" I replied.
| The lady laughed mockingly.
Chester A. Arthur"
Again that laugh.
"And you call yourself an Ameri-
can" she taunted.
"I can recite the Declaration Of In
dependence" l stated. Would you
like to hear it?"
NO" she replied. I'm tired # the
Declaration of Independence"
"How about the Gettysburg ad-
dress?" I offered.
I'm tired Of that. too," she said.
'but by any chance do you know that
thing of Bernard Shaw's, beginning
The preparation Of a second edition of
literary task that has ever been sent
me. When 1t first appeared l was un-
grateful enough to demonstrate with
it's publisher for printing, as
thought, more copies than the most
sanguine person could ever hope to
sell. But the result proved that, ETC.,
Evening star., 1926-11-14
Dancing Birds.

MANY of the birds of South Amer.
AVA lea have the regularly formed
habit of meeting periodically in the
same place for the purpose Of dancing.
Some sing as they dance. others &C.
company the refrain by something un-
questionably like instrumental music.
The rup.cola dances alone. Birds Of
this species range themselves in a cir
Gle around level, messy or soft ground.
and one Of them. bright with orange
and vivid scarlet pIumage, leaves the
circle and advances to the center Of
the space with the dignity Of a cour.
tier dancing a minuet, his wings
spread and tail like a fan. He begins
slowly, then. gradually increasing
speed, terminates his performances by
leaping and whirling until he falls
from exhaustion,
Evening star., 1926-11-14
loss EXAGGERATIONS-n the Dumb Water-Isidoe i'd Peec

Mr.. Mitzic-You Isidore makes from
mine Muttimer a fire realOm-reenger!
Mrs. Feitlebaum - You Muttimer
makes from mine IsidOre a ChOOtebac
ca choor from choOtebaCcaM!
Mr.. MitZic-You Isidore is making
from mine Muttimer n hem -sendwich
itter.M
Mrs. Feitlebaum-SHARR Ciss
alrady witt dc fullish arguments,
plizzeM!
Isidore-Baba. what does II bead
whed sobbOdy's id a pickle??
Mr.. Feitlebaum - SO you'll gonns
find gradually hout. meester!
$ NJ A G. X
Copyright. 1880
Evening star., 1926-11-14
Origin of the Menu.

planned that it was a paper on which
he had noted down the details of his
dinner and that he wanted to be sure
that all his instructions had been car
ried out
The simplicity OF the idea struck
the fancy of the guests and from that
time the menus became the fashion.
In its primitive form it was of such
dimensions as to resemble a wall map
and was given Il position at each end
Of the table. the guests at the banquet
being permitted to consult it.
Evening star., 1926-11-14

he shouldn't, lit home de sopper-1s
no.?
Mrs. Feitlebaum - AHA!m - Come
hout from onder de sitebudd. meestar
tSMACKeA shopleefter from peck
les you bicame, ha? (SMACN
should gat vat pantomine poisoning,
maybe, ha? (SMACkl-Wait I'll attend
you later (SMACK)-Goot hefternoon,
pippleM! Mine apologize, Meester Plot
kin
Mr.. Mitzic-You making mine boy a
baby-cerridge ewhill-stilleri!!
Mrs. Feitlebaum - You Muttimer
makes from mine Isidore a switt-po-
tato cooker from bomfres..
Evening star., 1926-11-14

THE menu. so Indispensable to the
ordering of many dinners today,
had it's origin In the twelfth century.
the first person to use it being Prince
Henry Of Brunswick. AT large ban
Guet he was seen to consult from time
20 time a long paper at his side. ap-
parently attached to the under side
"f the tableclOth and rolled back. One
iHQusitive guest at length made bold
- inquire what study he might be
engaged in at that apparently unsea-
sOnable time and Prince Henry eX.