davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
THE DOOR HANDLE WAS FINISHED AND so WAS HE"

Got any black paint? And he says
sure, so that was that. Then he says
whatter YOU going to use to remove
the old paint?
And I says / am conner leave it
lay, and he says oh don't do that, the
car should be absolutely scraped down
to its skin before you put a drop of
new paint on it, I'll get you what you
need and show you just how to use
it, you take jar of this lemon cleans
ing cream, rub into the pores thor
oughiy, then wipe clean with dry
cloth. Next apply skin food and our
skin tonic. If this don't work, apply
small quantity of cuticle.remover,
rubbing gently with steel wool. which
will bring the blood to the surface.
When the paint is entirely removed
you will feel much better satisfied, I'm
sure.
NELL, thanked him for the facial.
" and got the steel wool, car-creams
and lotions, some slices of sandpaper,
freckle-remover for the windshield and
ETC., and then the salesman says how
about your brushes? And l says they
are in bad shape, too far gone to sur
vive. / put hair.tonic on both of 'em
last night with no results so far. So
he sold me sets of brushes, thin
ones, fat ones and medium.
Then he wrote out the bill and he
pretty near hadder write out a death.
certificate for the same party, when
seen 1t. Yet still and all, so far, paint
ing the car ourselfs was a economy
over the shop job on account the paint
remover, paint-applies. and actual col
ours only come to $49.75 instead of
fifty dollars.
Well naturally I hadder take a taxi
home, couldn't very well carry all
that heavy stuff on the street car
But finally and 1t both arrove safely,
and SO did Sunday Also them Joe
Bushes to help as per schedule. Oh
my dear, this is such fun! says Mabel.
I'm crazy to commence! Have you
any old rags you can loan me to put
on, I don't wanner spoil my good
dress? So / says yeh, sure, and give
her my rubber kitchen apron which
had intended using it myself, but
thought oh well, she is company and
it Is so good of her to help, I'll go
without, I'll be careful of my dress,
guess / won't hurt 1t any IL | take
good care.
Then that Joe Bush took Georges
other suit out the closet and yells hey.
george, can put on this OlQ rag 10
work in? And naturally Geo. didn't
care to admit it was his best clothes
on top of a remark like that, so he
says. yeh, sure, Joe. help yourself
So then we all went out into the
bright sunny morning and back yard.
dealt out the weapons and blithely
commenced work, and any person
which they have ever tried removing
the complexion off of a car with a
steel sponge and a piece of fine tooth
sandpaper will realize exactly what
mean. 1t certainly was great fun to
see the old hide coming off that car,
and to feel the old hide coming ditto
from our hands.
Believe you me. when we COM
menced work, that car was only a
small touring affair but before we laid
off it was considerable bigger than
the Woolworth Bldg, the way it grew
by the hour was caution. And as
for the way 1t had of concealing dirt
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

out Of the trees so the people would
have some place to sit Inasmuch as
there were 1856 squirrels in this par
ticular mark and l had only one assist
ant, you may imagine that / was Kept
hustling; squirrels get mighty tired or
STAYING on the ground and would EN-
ploy every imaginable subterfuge In
their efforts to- climb the tempting
trees with which the park was plenti-
fully supplied. Outwitting them ana
keeping them on terra firma developed
both my brains and speed and ten
years later. when my three runs or the
length of the field won Yale a cham
pionship game. 4 to 2, an Associated
Press commentator said Harvard was
beaten in the parks of San Francisco.
In the fall of this year an S. o. s.
was broadcast from Chicago-that gar
gantuan metropolis was in flames as
a result Of COW named O'Leary drop
ping a lighted cigarette in a roll OF
films.
Editors note: This must be a mis-
take. Mr.. Lardner is writing about
the year 1898: the Chicago fire 90
CURED in 1919
authors note: There is a consider.
able difference of time between Chi
cago and San Franoiscol
Every city of importance sent vol
unteer fire company to the rescue.
The company organized in San Fran
cisco was composed of myself and Bill
Lange, later to become famous as a
ball player and dancing instructor,
This, of course, was before horses or
camels were thought of and Bill and /
had to drag our hose cart east afoot.
Bill was very little help. and by the
time we reached our destination the
fire was out and 1 was sixteen years
of age.
1t was now time to think of college.
Stories of my all,around athletic prov.
ess had appeared In all the papers and
received tempting offers from vir-
tually every university of standing.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

are rash enough to ask the Obliging
Man to let you have match. / had
an instance of that the other evening
when I was waiting at the corner of
the street for my car Tiny private car
No. 1873, up Guy street to the boule-
vard). l had cigar that l wanted.
to light. but no match
At that moment a respectable citi-
zen drew near. Had | looked closely
I would have recognized in him the
Obliging Man. But without looking
I said:
Excuse me, sir, but could you let
me have a match?"
"a match?" he said, why, certain
w." Then he unbuttoned his coat
and put his hand in the pocket of his
waisteoat II know / have one" he
went on, land I'd almost swear it's in
the bottom pocket-or, hold on.
though, / guess it may be in the top
Just wait till l put these parcels
down on the sidewalk.
ooh, don't trouble" ] said, its
really of no consequence.
''Oh, it's no trouble, I'll have 1t in a
minute, 1 know there must be one In
here somewhere''-he was digging
his fingers into his pockets as he
spoke-"but you see this isn't the
Waistcoat I generally
/ saw the man was getting excited
about it. ''Well, never mind" | pro
tested: "if that isn't the waistcoat that
you generally-why, it doesn't mat
ter"
Hold on, now, hold on!" the man
said, "I've got one of the cursed
things in here somewhere. / guess
it must be in with my watch. No, it's
not there. either. Wait till l try my
coat. If that COMPOUNDED tailor only
knew enough to make a pocket SO that
a man could get at it''
He was getting pretty well worked
up now. He had thrown down his
walking stick and was plunging at
his pockets with his teeth set. IT'S
that cursed young boy of mine," he
Missed: this comes of his fooling in
my pockets. BY Cad! perhaps | won't
warm him UP when / get home. Say
I'll bet that it's in my hip pocket. You
just hold up the tail of my overcoat
'tNo, no." I protested again, please
don't take all this trouble, it really
doesn't matter. I'm sure you needn't
take off your overcoat. and oh, pray
don't throw away your letters and
things in the street like that, ana
tear out your pockets by the roots!
Please, please don't trample over your
overcoat and put your feet through
the parcels. do hate to hear you
swearing at your little boy, with that
peculiar whine in your voice. Don't
please don't tear your clothes so saw
agely.'
Suddenly the man gave a Grunt OF
exultation, and drew his hand up from
inside the lining of his coat.
give got it," he cried Here you
arev' Then he brought it out under
the light,
1t was toothpiek.
The car for which | was waiting
came along at that moment. / rather
think that 1t ran over the Obliging
Man, but am not sure that pushed
hini.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

behind its tenders, in cracks and bends
of it's body, well, Hot BoZo! if 1t hadn't
been for the yrs. of experience | have
had, Saturdays, with Juniors ears,
finger nails and the back of his neck,
why that car never would of got
cleaned up thorough.
When two tenders was practically
ready to be done all over again, Geo.
commenced to kinda weaken. ! dunno
but I'll leave her like that, he says,
she don't look so awful bad, And
says you will do no such thing. Geo,
come on. now, see how hard Mabel is
on the part had just finished, she
would, she's just the type!
So. seeing that, why Geo. took a
lunge at a rear-wheel with a toothpick,
and says huh, we should of painted
them spokes red, how about it, old
timer, eh, Joe? But by then Joe was
taking little rest, he had just fin
ished scraping the handle to the front
door his original job. and had fell un-
conscious, underneath the car. The
door handle was finished and so
was he.
WELL. we dragged the body out, and
of course Mabel hadder attend to
him, so that left only and George
and Junior on the job, and pretty soon
looked around and Junior was up in
the nearest tree wasting good paint
on a old birds nest which he claimed
needed going over. So naturally that
left me very indignant, 1t seemed a
shame for them all to go and quit like
that, and / wondered what / could do
that would help a lot, and at once
thought of ice.water, would go and
fix up nice pitcher of ice water for
George.
And while I was at 1t I would just
wash my hair, and see was the dinner
table set properly and was my new
hat becoming after all, and several inn
portant things like that which really
needed attending to, and in the mean.
while Geo. could keep right on work
ing and I would be back in no time at
all, to give him a hand.
Well, as far as the no time at all
went, I certainly kept my promise on
that, on account time didn't really
enter into it. And on giving Geo. a
hand on my return, too, lived up to
that. | certainly give him a big hand
on what he had got done which was
about one 3rd. The front of the car
the extreme rear was all over bright
new paint.
My. you have done wonderful, dear,
says, standing at a safe distance, it
looks wonderful, and really, l person.
ally myself haven't minded the work
so far, at all. Geo. give me one look.
Yeh, he says, / noticed you haven't,
this was one swell idea. you had, to
paint the car, ourselfs, it's conner
be a big economy. Joe has ruined my
suit, we are conner hat to buy them
dinner, and what has happened to the
small OF my back is nobody's business,
no, there don't seem to be a single OBJ
lection about painting your car your
self.
And says no, dear. there is only
the same objection to it that there Is
to jumping off the roof. Once you
actually start doing 1t, 1t is practically
Impossible to change your mind!
Copyright. 1926.l
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
IS of Busy Humorists Turn to Sports and Other Activities
Odd Questions Get Prompt Answers
When Submitted to The Perfect Fool
BY ED WYNN.

- EAR MIR. WYNN: A crowd Of
us boys were talking about
the Sesquicentennial in Phil
~ adeIphia and we got into an
argument about the Decla-
ration of Independence. One fellow
said it was signed in Boston, another
fellow said 1t was signed in hdch-
mond, Va, and ! say 1t was signed in
Washington, ID. G.. To settle the ar
gtment, we decided to leave 1t TO you.
VIII you please be kind enough 10
tell US where the Declaration of Inde-
pendence was signed?
Yours truly,
r.. u. GOING.
asked thousand times, so to settle
it for all time to come I'll tell you.
The Declaration of Independence was
signed on the bottom.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Yesterday ] hap
pened to be on the East Side, and just
as ] passed two men / heard one man
say in a loud voice, I'm brick In
an instant the other chap punched
him in the Jaw and laid him fiat on
the sidewalk. How do you account
for that? Sincerely,
u. WOOD RUNTOO.
Answer-One man said he was a
brick, and the other fellow must have
been a bricklayer.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: This afternoon,
as | was looking out my back WIN
dow l saw an old hen of mine eating
a lot Of tacks. What did she do that
for, and what shall / do about It?
Yours truly,
CHICK, n. FEED.
Answer-Dont do anything about
it, Just watch her Maybe she is
going to lay carpet.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: ! go with some
boys and we are all around IL years
old. The other day we found a fun
pack of cigarettes and we all smoked.
While we were smoking minister
came over to us and asked us II we
knew where little boys who smoked
cigarettes go to, and we all said no.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

employed as a faster in a Gordon
gin" factory near Canarsie, N. Y. He
has heart trouble, and our mutual
acquaintances always refer to him as
having one foot in the grave. What
do you think about it?
Truly yours,
ANN XIOUS.
Answer think he has his other
foot on a banana peel.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Do cows go to
Heaven, or il all milk just plain
canned milk up there?
Yours truly,
A. c. KRIT.
Answer next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
lCopyrtEht. 1897
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
Domestic Electricians.

How many housewives know how
TO fix the 6oorbell when it fails
to ring? How many can repair cleo
trieal trouble with vacuum cleaner
or an iron? Not very many, San
Diego, Cal, has decided. The public
schools there have included In the
curriculum a course that can best be
described as domestic electricity. The
pupils are taught handy electrical
knowledge of all sorts, from learning
the nature Of short circuits to 49,
Joining and wiring desk lamp.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

thought first of entering the Harvard
Law School.
Editors note: 1t would have been
Impossible for Mr.. Lardner at his age
and with his credits, or lack of credits,
to enter the Harvard Law SchoQl)
authors note: That's why Thought
Of 1t first,)
Finally / decided to divide up my
first year to the best advantage, going
in the fall to Michigan, which needed
"a half back with a sextuple threat,
snanding the Winter at Amherst,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
Consider the Obliging Man and Decide
Whether or Not He Should Be Banished

If so, that would make it eleven,ene. :"
After which the Obliging Man
burbles away to himself all the way
from eleven-ene to eleven.ten and
back again.
There is no remedy except to get
into another train and go somewhere
else. And the extra fare is cheap at
the price.
A still more dangerous act is to ask
the Ohliging Man anything about a
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

train, The obliging Man always fan
cies himself a timetable expert. He
carries railroad folders in all his peck
cts and more In his valise and he is
prepared to hand out information that
reaches all the way from the top cor
neP of Nova Scotia to the hind end of
Lower California.
Suppose by accident YOU say to him,
do you happen to know IL there's an
evening train from Buffalo to Mon
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
BY RING LARDNER.
CHAPTER FOUR.

LONE in Seattle at the age OF
n six, broke, and indebted to the
"A hotel in the amount of $3.50
"A for board and room. How
many kids would have faced a
situation like this with equanimity!
But | never lost confidence that l
would find a way out. l forget just
now what ] did do; suffice it to say
that inside of seven years | was In San
Francisco, playing a cornet, evenings
at Tait's on the beach, and in the day
time working in the park as squirrel
tender. In those days there were no
benches in the parks and squirrel
tenders job was to keep the squirrels
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
Try Reducing Pills.

Angry girl, to druggist-This van
ishing cream is a fake.
Druggist--How come?
Furious female-I've used 1t on my
nose every night for two weeks and
it's Just as long as it ever was!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25

He said he was a minister, so could
not tell us, but he said if we wrote to
you that you would know. VIII you
please tell us where little boys go
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
Baby's Complexion.

Madam. what is the complexion of
your new baby, dark or fair?'
ITO tell you the truth, he is little
weller"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-25
Painting the Family Car Against Its Will
Involves Some Unexpected Incidents
RY NINA MncoX PUTNAM.

4 IKE ANGELO, the famous
I'M irish'Italian painter ex-
claimed, when he had
i L ploughed about half way
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-03-11
FOSS HALL NOTES

The Maine State Missionary Con-
ference it to be held at Colby March
IL, 10, IA. Delegates from the coll
leges in Maine, from Bangor Theo-
logical Seminary and from Farming
ton Normal School are coming to
the conference at Colby. Miss Doris
l. Roberts, '26, of Island Falls, Is
chairman of the conference.
The following delegates from the
sororities have been elected: The
Misses Dorothy Daggett, '28; Agnes
E. Osgood. '26, and Louise Bauer, '2S.
from Sigma Kappa; Martha Holt. '29,
Jean Watson, 20, and Irma Sawyer,
'2S, from the Omega; Esther e. Wood,
20, Frances Mason. '27, and Beatrice
Ham, '26, from Delta Delta; Julia
Mayo, '27, Grace Stone, 80 and Tha-
liza Bates from Phi Mu: Jennie Nut
ter, '26, Eva Page. '29, from Beta Chi
Theta. Alpha Delta Pi Sorority is
unable to send any delegates since
hetir initiation and banquet comes at
the time of the conference.
A Kappa Alpha feed was had In
Miss Althe Lords room Wednesday,
March 10. The following 10 girls
were present: Misses Emily r.
Heath of Waterville, Marguerite AL
bert of Houton, Agnes j. Brouder of
Lawrence, Hilda M Rife of Kittery,
Althea Lord of East Lebanon, Alpha
Crosby of Waterville, Dorothy Far
mum of Wilton, Betty Tarrant of
Manchester, N. H., Helen Davis of
Newport and Helen Kyle of Water
willie
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-03-11
P|TTSFIELD
M. C. I. NOTES

Inc M. c. l. annual senior play has
oeen chosen and will be cast at once
For this years production "Bab," by
Mary Roberts Rinehart, has been Sc.
lected.
classes were cancelled from 9.45 10
noon Monday in order to attend town
meeting.
There will be no Girl Reserves meet.
ing this week or next.
Dover-Foxcroft, with whom a mega.
1--WE team from M. C. /. was to de.
pate March 10, has cancelled, and Sc
FORFEITED the decision of the debate
on Child Labor" held in the Bates
League.
The senior class Will hold a food
sale next Wednesday, March II. al
Clay's jewelry store, to earn money
Tor the Trumpet publication.
Rev. Mr.. Cam of the Universalist
church addressed the students in chap
ell Wednesday and gave them a helpful
apt address on THE Power of Words. y
He quoted the poets on the beauty of
words and recommended the mighty
word mo- as the most valuable.
Stitham, Karkos, Munson. v. Clary
and several other eager rooters OBJ
tanned permission to attend the U. of
M. tournament Thursday and Friday,
by making up their studies perfectly
in advance.
Members Of the senior class will
again collect old papers and maya
zines from homes in town on Saturday,
March 10.
The freshman Bible class is at pres
ent drama tizing the book of Ruth
and may attempt to present it later
The orchestra had it's rehearsal
Wednesday afternoon at $50 because
of the presentation Of "Springtime''
| Thursday evening.
The glee club met Wednesday eve
ming with Miss Peterson and new mu-
sic was practiced. Miss Peterson has
been i'll for several weeks and has been
unable to meete her classes.
Coach Baker will take the girls bas-
ketball team to Orono Saturday, March
10. where they will play the u of NJ.
freshmen girls. The girls who will
make the trip are Capt. Cilley, NJ.
Humphrey. A. Hunter. NJ. Sims, E.
Griffin. r. Miller, C. Provencher, M.
Lagorio and E. Bottomley.
Barbara Kimball has been able to
return to school after an illness of
several days.
The entire faculty and school, espe-
cially members of the freshman class,
extend their sincere sympathy to
Charles Smith, '29, in the loss of his
mother, whose death occurred this
week at Newport.
Alice Hartley and Ruth Milton. who
were to debate Dover-Foxcroft March
10, will, instead, debate at Belfast,
because of the forfeiture of Dover
Foxcroft.
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-03-11

Sunday guest of Frank Lane. Mr..
Wing drove up with his pony team.
Mrs. Maude Chase is in poor health
this winter.
Mrs. Florence Lowe and Mrs.
Gladys Nichols were in Waterville
Saturday afternoon.
Mrs. A. S. Burke was calling on
relatives in Fairfield Saturday after
noon.
AS the Fairfield and Shawmut cleo
trio car is unable to maintain service
owing to the abundance of snow, the
employees of the NJ. c. r. r, car shop
are being transported by Master Ed
ward Lord with his team.
The Progressive Club met with
Mrs. Amos Priest, Tuesday.
Mr.. and Mrs. Thomas, who have
been living in the Frank Langlois rent
this winter, have returned to their
farm in North Fairfield.
Mr.. and Mrs. Eleazer Emery are
visiting relatives in Massachusetts,
for few days.
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-03-11
Waterville Club
To Promote Safety
Now Numbers 5000

With 100 per cent. enrolment from
every public school in the city the
membership of the Waterville Safety
Club now aggregates more than 5000.
Each of the children has pledged him.
self to do his utmost to keep himself
from danger and to help in keeping
others safe. The club was originated
by the George n. Bourque Post of the
American Legion and it is modelled on
similar organizations in Massachu-
sets. With the cooperation of the
school department the campaign for
membership was carried direct to the
classroom and as a result of the large
number enrolled much will be done to
make Waterville a safer city in which
to live.
Each member of the club has been
furnished with an appropriate pin
done in green and white. bearing the
name of the club. Florence Lewis
was the winner of the contest to de-
termine upon a slogan for the club
and it is to be Always be careful"
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-03-11
Coal Ship at
Boston with Story
Long and Hard Trip

Boston. March 10-(AP) The
British steamer Lairg is here after a
voyage that started on Dec. 9 from
Swansea, Wales. Misfortune trailed
the ship from the moment it cast off
with a cargo of hard coal. Two days
after it had left port it was forced
to put back for repairs.
1t put to sea again. but almost en-
countered heavy weather and sprang
a leak in the engine room. Once
more it turned about, this time head
ing for Barry.
The repairs were effected and an
other start made Jan. It,
At about the time the Lairg was
due here she limped into Horta,
Azores. with deck and engine dam-
aged. and 10 days more were lost in
repairs. Finally it set sail on Feb. Is,
but rough seas caused a further de-
lay of more than a week.
The Lairg is in American waters
for the first time in nine years. 1t
formerly was the Penobscot in the
Norfolk to Boston coal trade.
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-03-11
BoWdoin Prof. to
Lecture at Oxford

Brunswick, Me, March 10.-Wil-
frid H. Crook, assistant professor of
Economics and Sociology at Bowdoin
College, will be one of a group of 20
speakers that is to deliver a series
of lectures covering various aspects
of modern theology this summer at
Trinity College, oxford. Professor
Crook will speak on Sociology in
Relation to the Old Testament.
Professors of science, biblical litera-
ture, sociology, and kindred subjects
will deliver the other lectures. At
present he is the only American pro-
lessor among the group engaged,
which includes a professor from a
Berlin University and one from a
French University.
Professor Crook was born at Swim
ton. Lancashire England. He gradu-
ated from Lincoln College. Oxford,
in 1911, and received his A. Nj. de-
gree from that college in 1914. He
came to America in that year as a
HILBERT scholar to Harvard, where
he later took graduate work in
economics. He has peen at Bowdoin
since 1928. Professor Crook is an
ordained minister, and was assistant
minister of the Central Congrega-
tional Church in Boston from 1918 to
1920.