davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-10-17
OSS EXAGGERATIONSI In the Dumb WaiterLooy Dot Dop

heem he should tswallow now a peen-
cushion. Ha. ha. Dots hall. I'm
troo. Hold man odder no hold man
eff it lives a stain by me on de shoit
de hocklebarry pie! Hm-tink not I'll
merry tettooed lady it should be a
rewange! Tink wot I'll make wode-
weel hect witt Isidore. He should
be de Tukking Dugg. Ha, ha, ha!
I'll jost hev to he'd on heem tall
Ha, ha. A dug witt hedinoits. Big
novelty hect. Precticed witt de
Observation-Disclosures hect. Not SO
goot."
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Noo,n moo, meesus,
stop alrady ridding from de hidiot
fullish dairy we should be late in
teeatre!
Third Floor-Hm-to where do you
gung? In teeatre? Hmm-enjoining
yoursalf. Goot pye.
Second FlOor-Denks. Goot pye.
Mr.. Feitelbaum-Noo, so come al
rady und lock batter witt de Siggle
lock de durr 1t shouldn't comm in
maybe de dope witt de fullish frands
dey should make me in the houze
poddies-hmmm!
Scene Two.
(Biiou Theater-Balcony)
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Jay-seex witt
hate. Hm-wanderful sits! Why
dey dun't maybe supplying ulso witt
itch slit a spygless odder a radio
Evening star., 1926-10-17

AS matter of fact. four of our
clowns are in philosophy. and the ring
master himself Is studying paleon-
toloey. though he is still some dis
tance from It,. Nearly all our clowns
are college men: they seem specially
fitted for 1t somehow.
And most Of our trapeze ladies are
college girls. You can tell a college
girl on a trapeze at any time. You
must come over and see u.s." he add.
ed, I'VE are having little sort Of
gathering on Sunday afternoon-one
Of our fortnightly teas. We gen.
orally have a little reading and dis
cussion. We take up some author or
period and some one reads a paper
on 1t. This afternoon we are to dis
cuss the Italian Renaissance and the
bandmaster Is to deal with Benvenuto
Cellini."
I'VE have a Welfare Society. and a
Luncheon Club, and our Big Sister
movement. AS to drunkenness" he
added, the other day some one
brought in a bottle Of Ontario 4 per
cent beer, and our manager was ter
ribly distressed about 1t. He gave it
to the Kangaroo,
Ii seems impossible to doubt the
truth Of his words. especially when we
Evening star., 1926-10-17
By Donald Ogden Stewart

piled, because Prof. Clark decided to
omit Fontainebleau this year. and the
tomb Of Tut-ankh-Amen Is closed"
THAT leaves the Dickens country"
l said. ~ don't think 1 would care
to spend two weeks going through
that"
prof. Clark rarely gets beyond the
he added, "you know-the one where
David Copperfield stopped to get a
glass Of ale."
THAT sounds like a very interesting
tour" 1 remarked. but how about
my wife,"
Here is a splendid opporturSy -
visit the Holy Land" said the other
clerk, "in the company of Col. Albert
= McCullom and % young ladies Sc
lected from q beauty contest con
Quoted by the Los Angeles Tribune
10 weeks-$S00."
"Is Mrs. McCullom going along!" 1
asked.
The clerk looked through the cir
cular.
TT doesn't say" he replied. But
| the tour includes meals. biblical re-
search and eight nights in Paris"
How about Rome?" asked the other
clerk while was still hesitatins,
Rome, Italy?" / asked.
Precisely" he replied. THE seat
Of modern civilization, the home of
the Catacombs, the scene of the
| Christian martyrdoms. the burial
place of hundreds Of prosecuted peo-
pie. See Rome-and die"
"On my honeymoon" l asked, a
little doubtfully.
| "F1orence?" asked the first clerk.
"No-Beatrice," replied. IT don't
think she would like Rome"
/ 81 hA
Evening star., 1926-10-17
THE OTHER DAY.

TINE other day I happened to
go into the Office Of travel
bureau.
Il II want to take trip" !
said to the man behind the
desk.
"Where?" he asked.
That's what I'm asking y0u." l
said.
oh" he said. What kind of
trip?"
"A honeymoon, replied.
with your wife," he asked.
YES" I replied.
THAT will make two. then. he said:
''. hope So | replied. But what
difference does it maker"
1T doesn't make any" he replied.
"Those are Just standard questions.
Nov for the more intimate details.
He reached under the counter and
pulled out a circular.
Have you thought about Niagara
Falls" he asked.
Not since | was IL years old"
replied.
How old are you now" he asked.
'"Thirty-one," | replied; going on
S2."
Going on 3D." he repeated
lie handed me the circular
That will tell you all about Nj
dSdiA tdlIS. ne Sdlu.
! looked at the circular.
Lazy Days and Nights in the Nam
moth Cave" it read.
Il think there must he some mis-
take" ] said, and handed him back
the folder
Yes" he said, there has been q
mistake.'
That's pretty decent of you to ad-
NIT it" l said.
Not at ALL" he replied. Our com
pany's policy is the customer is al
ways right"
'Oh. wouldn't say that" ! ar.
Kued. I'm wrong lots of times"
Yes" he aid, II sh uld ina Sine
that you we;'e.''
That's neither here nor there"
replied II came in here To find out
about a trip
What kind Of trip?" he asked.
"A honeymoon" ! replied.
Have you thought about Niagara
the same circular.
This circular is about the Nam
moth Cave" | said.
Have you thought about the Nam
moth Cave?" he asked.
I'm whAt connecticut" l asked.
wal" he said, there are lots of
connections. YCu can leave here on
the 1872. arriving at Gyeenbr!nr a'
$50 the next morning. That will get
you to the cave at 2:2S in the after
noon. just in time for tea
II don't drink tea" objected.
We'll, then" ne said. glan ancinc
through the folder. ''you can go by
way of Cincinnati"
cincinnati. Ohio" ! asked.
He turned once more the pages of
the circular.
1T doesn't say. he admitted. but
] should imagine that all CincinnAtiS
would be pre- " much alike
And what do we do 7 asked
after we get to the Mammoth
CAve?"
Well" he replied. there are the
blind fish
THE what" | asked
The blind fish" he replied.
Where" | asked.
I'm the Mammoth Cave" he soid.
Evening star., 1926-10-17

laughed
This Is honeymoon" said.
80 much the better" he replied.
Yes" argued, but you can't look
at fish all day"
oh. can't you?" he said.
No"
Il have to-" he said.
Yes. but YOU aren't on your honey
moon
Wen. them he said. you might
try Old Faithful"
old faithful what" I asked.
II don't know he admitted. ITS
out in Yellowstone Park"
He searched once more beneath the
counter until he found another folder.
TITS a geyser." he announced.
"A what?" l asked.
He showed me the word.
Whats il do?" / asked.
He read further.
1t shoots out hot water" he ex-
plained.
Il don't want to spend my honey
moon in a bathroom I objected.
"Oh. all right" he said. You're
the doctor"
I'm not doctor" I said. I'm a
writer
"A writer he said. What do
you write?"
Books" / replied. land stories and
newspaper articles
What's your name?" he asked.
Donald Ogden Stewart" | replied.
little modestly.
He shook his head.
I've never heard Of YOU" he said.
and he called another employe over
to him.
Did YOU ever hear of writer
named--what was it," he asked.
Donald Ogden Stewart" l replied.
The other man shook his head.
Maybe he writes under some other
name" he suggested. Maybe he's a
woman---like George Eliot.
I'm not a woman" | announced,
a little peeXiShlN.
Evening star., 1926-10-17
RY STEPHEN I.EACOCK.

ISN'T it funny how different people
and things are when you know
them from what you think they
are when you don't know them?
For instance. everybody knows how
much all distinguished people differ
appear to the public. We all get used
10 being told in the papers such things
as that in his private life Signor Mus
solini is the very gentlest of men,
spending his time by preference
among children and dolls: that in his
private life Dean Inge, the gloomy
Dean" of ST. Pauls Cathedral. Is
hilariously merry: and that Mr.. Ches-
terton, fat though he appears in pub
lie. Is in private life quite thin.
myself had the pleasure not long
ago of meeting the famous Mr. Sand.
pile. at that time reputed to be the
most powerful man in America, and
giving public exhibitions Of muscular
strength Of a most amazing character.
I was surprised to. find that in his
private life Sandpile was not a strong
man at all, but quite feeble. Would
you mind" he said to me. "ha nding
me that jug? It's too heavy for me to
lift"
In the same way. Il recall on one
occasion walking down a street in an
English seaport town late one night
with Admiral Beatty think 1t was
Admiral Beatty. either Beatty or Jel-
licoe. Would you mind" he said.
letting me walk behind you? I'm
afraid Of the dark" You mean Of
course" I said. "only in your private
nfe." "Certainly," he answered. Il
don't mind 1t - in daylight"
Few people knew that Mr.. Henry
Ford cannot drive a motor car, that
Mr.. Rockefeller never has any money.
and that Thomas Edison has never
been able to knit.
But lately I have been noticing
that these contradictions extend also
to institutions and things in general.
Take, for instance. a circus. In past
generations it was supposed by many
of the best supposers that circus
people were about as tough an 'ag-
Rregation" as II was possible to ag-
grege. But not at all. Quite the other
way.
Not long ago a circus came to our
town and I had the pleasure Of spend
ing some time with one of the clowns
--he was studying for a Phi. D. in
private life-and of getting q good
deal Of information from him a. TO
what a modern circus IL like when
seen from the inside.
I expressed my astonishment that
he should he q clown and also a phil
osophy student. Not at all" he said.
-there's nothing unusuai about that.
Evening star., 1926-10-17

maybe we should hear from de stage,
ha? Ha? WOT? Whooz tukking to
you? You'll spick whan spukken!
IIa? Wot? Moo, so MAKE me 1
should sharrop! Opps, excuse me,
laty, l deedn't nutticed you foot in
de hile! Hm-I bag you podden,
medem. bot bling wot 1 rigratting ex-
trimmingly wot I deedn't was born
witt a mack from hostrick so you'll
rimoof in de bas from helt de het?
Noo-et lest-ha? Wot-de teeckets
you weesh to see? Hm-maybe witt a
pessputt ulso witt phuttogreph yet.
ha? So-wot? We should moot
uvver slit? 1t belungs to dees two
VI VI YI-geeve a look! Isidore!
Muttimer MeetZic! SO (SMACk) dees
is de hum woik tSMACk) wot you
doong by Muttimer MeetZic in de
houze. ha? SMACK Skins witt
huxxes you making me, ha?
(SMACK) You tutt you'll gonna dilute
me. ha? (SMACk) A houtweeter from
de fodder you bicame, ha-(SMACKe
wot? Why I--wot? Why l dun't
heeting a guy mine sice? I'll geeve
you in minute sice-you gengster
you.
Mrs. -Mowriss-Mow-
riss-Sh- -shsh! Is a shame de pipple
-sh sh! vi yi-here is coming de
Meesus Noftolis. Goot ivvining! Goot
ivvining!
Mrs. Noftolis-Hm-goot ivvining,
Evening star., 1926-10-17
Hunorist as Reporter of Crimes
Won Compliments in His Earlier Days

profitable. for the first man 1 met
when / rolled from under the train
at Broad street was Blotho Blaggy,
Mrs. Helsh's father.
How about the murder, Mr.. Blag.
gy?" l asked.
Fine" he said. "They have ar
rested my little 4-year-oId grandchild.
who was on her way to visit her aunt
and uncle, but they can't pin any
thing on her. She hates pins; says
she is too old for them"
Next morning "The Rabies" made
all the other tabloids look silly.
Across the front page we had
streamer. "Child Murder Suspec:
Balks at Pins.' and under it were
pictures of Lillian Gish, who had ap-
peared on the screen at a Chestnul
street theater that week, and of Chic;
Bender making a balk. On page !
was my story of the murder, and or
page 8 the first Chapter of Mrs
Helsh's diary. of which I have pre-
served copy and will reprint few
paragraphs:
90. 90, diary. am going to keep
90 and write In 90 every day, and
when i am ole, ole lady bug, I will
read 90 and live over the days of my
honeymoon.
Daddy was a BADLY, BADLY boy TO-
day. l asked um to bwing me
ittsy bittsy diamond wing and he for
dotted all about 1t, and when I scold-
ed um he swang for my jaw and
knocked out some toofums that my
real honest-to-goodness daddy had
given me for wedding pwesent.
90 never can tell what a red hot
daddy will do-oo-oo.'
have perhaps forgotten to mention
that when the police finally reached
the Helsh home. Helsh was nowhere
to be seen, and Mrs. Helsh (nee Blag-
gy) was playing a game of Bemis
with her little niece. Asked when she
expected her husband, she said the
hour Of his arrival always depended
on the number and toughness of the
barns he had visited, but he usually
got back about 6 o'clock. The police
then arrested the niece and left .
guard to receive Helsh if and when
he showed up. Sure enough, just at
s o'clock he reached home and found
dinner ready.
On the following morning "The
Rabies" printed pictures of Georges
Carpenter. June Walker and Miss
Omaha on the beach at Atlantic
City. and portrait of the bath tub
In which Mrs. Helshs sister had
bathed her little girl before. sending
her on the fatal visit. l was given q
bonus of $50 and spent IL and the nexs
two weeks waiting around for sono
more excitement.
tCopyrisht 19c6)
Evening star., 1926-10-17

Hm-of cuss, we dun't usual seeting
by de belcony. bot bing wat mine
Baitrem is witt de new heye-gl-I
minn de new pactacles-werry fos-
sighted-so we-yi yi-Boitrem! Is
dees niZe you should trow don in de
huckkester pabbles? Modder dun't
approving dees, Boitrem. Hm-of
cuss, mine hosb-I mimi de doctor
inseests Railways we should sect by de
mezZaline boxes-bot-
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Ha! HollO-hollo,
Plotkin! Hollo! Moo, so hozZ de
grussery beezness?
Mr.. Plotkin-Hm! Hollo-hollo,
pipple! Hollo. Meesus F'eitlebaum,
Hollo, Meesus Noftolis! Moo, you
enjoining de sits? Hm-I tutt so.
1t geeves me free teetckets de teatre
I should put in de weendow a prug-
grem-so wot 1 nidding dem hall?
So I'll geeve mine costumers-Meesus
Eoftolis-
Mrs. Noftolis-Sh-sh-s -sh-is stot-
ting hoop de show
Mrs. Feitlebaum-So wot's dees 1T
stends on de pruggrem, "Hemmitcher
Night?"
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Sh-sh -sh -shsh-
Chorus-Shshshshsh Sh-sh-shsh!
Announcer-Lai-deez an 'gammen.
de foist offrin of our wunnderful bill
of local amatcher talent tonight will
be de marvellous. tree-minnit excape
from a regulation straitjacket! AS
Evening star., 1926-10-17

corroborate them with similar dis
closures about other institutions.
Take. for example, some informa-
tion which l recently received in re-
gard to cowboys from a man who
had just made tour in the West.
You are quite mistaken" he told
me. 'in imagining that the Western
cowboy is the kind of bad man. all
dressed up in leather fringes. that you
read about in the half.dime novels.
AS a matter Of fact, most Of the cow
boys nowadays are college men. There
seems to be something in q college
training which fits a man for cattle.
"They are principally law students.
Few Of the cowboys of today under
take to ride, for, of course, they don't
need to. They mostly use cars in
going after the cattle, and many Of
them, for that matter. can't drive a
car. They have chauffeurs. And. in
any case, the cattle of today are very
quiet and seldom move faster than a
walk or q run.
THE cowboy has naturally long
since discarded his peculiar dress and
wears just a plain lounge suit with a
thin duster and motor goggles. OF
course, they change for dinner at
night, especially when invited out to
Evening star., 1926-10-17

piffawmed on the vaudeville stage fer
years by a woild-famous Handcuff
Harry Hoo-deeny. An duplicated to-
night in poison by our local favorite.
Looy Feitlebaum. Give i'm chanst,
boys!
Mrs. EeitleSaum @ -1ooYn
Mrs. Noftolis
MIR. Plotkin
Mr.. Feitlebaum-CommhOu queell
while is dok yat de teeatre!
Scene Three.
Home)
r.r-rrrrr-ing-
Mrs. Feitlebaum-Yi vi! Trick lock
in de monninll is reenging de tala-
phun. Mowriss.
Mr.. Feitleba ebaum-HOllo-hOllo! Vas.
is heem by de phun! So is who? Who?
De loomatic asylum? So wot is?
Ha? I should come by de loonatic
asylum? Wot fur nidd to so dere?
1 got here in de houze a fOist cless
1oomatic asylum! Mine wot? Mine
son? He's dere witt a straightjecke
wot he couldn't gat hout from It?
Ha? You nidd me I should indem-
nifty heem foist? You should open 1t
opp? Ha! Ha ha. HA HA HA HA!
tCopyrirht. 1926)
Evening star., 1926-10-17
Alcoholic Bread.
DERHAPs bakeries will be padloc

DERHAPS bakeries will be paddock
ed now. Bread contains alcohol,
according to tests made recently by
chemists at Cornell College, Iowa.
Sometimes 1t contains much more al
cohol than the Volstead act allows.
The Cornell tests have revealed All
alcoholic content as high as 10 per
cent in ordinary bread from bakery
and housewives ovens. The kind of
yeast used, the time the bread sets.
and the temperature of baking. all
affect the amount of alcohol in the
bread
Evening star., 1926-10-17

ciety, and the daughter Of Blotho
Blaggy, who was in charge of one of
the switches in the Broad street rail-
road yards. Young Helsh and Miss
Blaggy became acquainted on one Of
the formers transforming tours and
were married two weeks after their
first meeting. At the time Of the
murder they had been married three
years, and Mrs. Helsh (nee Blaggy)
was expecting a baby. the child of
one Of her sisters. The baby was
supposed to arrive on the 1909 (mid-
night train and the police first be-
lieved that the murder had grown out
of a quarrel between the Helshes over
which Of them should sit up and meet
It. This theory was based on the
Evening star., 1926-10-17
BY RING LARDNER.
Chapter Is Of Autobiography.

~ LD.timers will have no diff
Guilty in recalling the Helsh
murder, and veteran news
~ paper men have never tired
of complimenting me on my
work in connection Herewith. 1t was
my first assignment as star reporter
for "The Rabies" and the fact that 1
was chosen for the task speaks vol
umes for my city editor, who was
violently drunk at the time.
For the benefit Of the half-witted
readers. I will recount the Helsh case
in brief. Wallace Helsh was a wealthy
barn tearer in Pennsylvania. He
went all over the State tearing down
barns SO horses could get more air.
Mrs. Helsh was the former Minnie
Blaggy, prominent in Philadelphia 80.
Evening star., 1926-10-17

There have been some very fine
women" said the second employe.
slight tone of rebuke in his voice.
II won't have any one slandering my
sister,"
I'm not slandering your sister," I
said. I'm simply trying to find out
where to go on my honeymoon"
Have you thought about Niagara
Falls?" he asked.
Yes" l replied. "and the Nam.
moth Cave-and Old Faithful"
How about the Grand Canyon"
he asked.
Whats 1t like"
It's indescribable," he replied.
reaching for a circular. This folder
will give you a complete description"
/ glanced through the booklet.
Il hardly think it would do for
honeymoon" / said.
He's bit difficult. isn't he?" said
the first employe to the second.
Very" replied the other. why
don't you think 1t would do for
honeymoon?"
"Well-." began. lit seems
little uninteresting."
1T was good enough for my grand
fathers honeymoon" Interrupted the
second employe.
But I'm not marrying your grand
mother" l objected.
Have you any objections to my
grandmother" he asked. with glare.
How can II" ] asked. II don't
know her from Adam"
Adam was the taller" said the
first clerk, ''and had beard"
The first clerk giggled and the sec
ond clerk frOwned.
This Is a travel bureau" he said,
land l wish that you would treat it as
such"
IAN right" I agreed. only we don't
seem to be getting anywhere"
Perhaps" suggested the first en-
ploye. you would be interested in
Europe"
Evening star., 1926-10-17

Mawr and announced that there had
been a murder at "a Vine street. This
was not where the Helshes lived,
which made it all the more puzzling.
dig right into this" said my city
editor. Comb Philadelphia. Find
out who did it and get lots of pic
tures."
How about my transportation" I
inquired.
You have cart blanche" was his
reply.
But thinking he referred to a dog
cart and an old horse named Blanche.
which conveyed our society reporter
to and from her work every day, I de.
clined his offer and went to Phila.
.delphia by ra4A Ny mistake was
Evening star., 1926-10-17

testimony Of a neighbor, Basil Kidney,
who said he had been hiding behind a
book in the Helsh living room and
overheard the following conversation:
"Will you sit up and meet our
niece?" This from Mrs. Helsh.
NO" This from Helsh.
"Why not?'
Because don't water meter"
The witness did not hear any more
of the conversation. because It was
then time for him to go on to another
neighbor's house. the Quimbys, and
hide In their living room. He was an
habitual living room hider. But half
an hour after his departure from the
Helsh home a mysterious voice called
up the police headquarters at Bryn
Evening star., 1926-10-17
Ancients Varied Day.

TWO old sun dials discovered in Ire.
land are said to prove that day.
light saving existed hundreds Of
years before the twelfth century. The
ancient Irish hour varied, the day.
light hour In Midsummer being 80
minutes. and in Winter only 40.
Evening star., 1926-10-17

50 he writes alrady in de
fullish book dairys-
Third foor-So wot is?
Second t1oor-Mm-"Ho SeeXt
--Awuk opp witt Stott. Dried mine
salf. Dots de lest peetcher Wodder
wott de hold man hen gonna trow
hon me, precticed wodeweel hect.
Tink wot I'll eat merried. Rad mail.
Nottink imputtant: Hold man behind
witt hincome tex: bogSain sail for
hold lady. Took strull Decite To
Join Foreign Lissoh Got job
should initiate t'ranch soldier in front
from teatre from Beau Caste Geng
rezzes me!.- Pecked in job. Watched
pogs training by jeem. Precticed
memmy sung for wodeweel hect.
Seng so: Ma aa aa-aa-meeeeeeee.
Nenny quit follows me in
houze. Hold man redder peeved.
Precticed new hect | should pull
huff from table de tableclutt 1t
shouldn't distoibing deeshes. im--
butt bottle glue. Hold man stotts
TO dreenk hot tea from gloot-
hop ticcop! Don't esk. Hope wOt
Evening star., 1926-10-17
History.

Teacher-When was the revival Of
learning?
Pupil-Just before exams.
Evening star., 1926-10-17

That's quite lot Of territory"
commented.
1T only. takes two weeks" he re-
Evening star., 1926-10-17
BY MILT GROSS.
Second Floor.

6: :: :: Il: ::::
50 he writes alrady in de
Evening star., 1926-10-17

That's an idea" exclaimed.
What part of Europe?'
Both clerks simultaneously reached
Evening star., 1926-02-16
ODD FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF
By YALE S. NATHANSON, b. Sc. NJ. A.
Department Of Psychooov. Unrersity Of Pennsylvania

which most impressed but rather de-
pressed him was the fate which be-
fell Marie Antoinette. He could not
forget the sad face of the woman led
TO her death on the suillotine. A
short time later, while he was sitting
in a chair a friend sneaked up quietly
neck with the edge of his hand The
man fell into a spell and raved like
maniac. He insisted that he had
been beheaded by the sharp blade of
the guillotine.
Another interesting story is told of
a criminal sentenced to die and who
consented to have group of sci
entists kill him as they saw fit The
learned professors placed the man on
a table, told him they were going to
kill him by cutting his throat to see
how long it would take him to bleed
to death. They then blindfolded the
criminal, arranged a receptacle from
which lukeWarm salt water dropped
into his mouth and then to the floor
Ito resemble blood, took a piece of ice
and wiped it dry and said to the man.
We are now going to cut your
throat" AS they did so they drew
the sharp edge of the ice across his
throat. Not even a scratch could be
seen. The warm salt water began to
flow. hTe man coughed and choked,
his pulse grew weaker and weaker
and in a short time he was dead.
Susceptibility to suggestion is a
good quality only if controlled and
well balanced.