The Monmouth inquirer. [volume] (Freehold, N.J.) 1865-1933, 1926-12-02
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"ReaIizinsthat all flesh is grass, and
being possessed naturally Of mean
disposition, the same having been con-
siderably aggravated by the prods
that. Fate, Luck and kin-folks have
from time to time bestowed upon me,
grimly grumped the Venerable
Crouch. 81 am contemplating making
nv will. intend to build 1t piece by
piece. adding, as they occur to me,
such bits as promise to increase the
complications Of the document and
augment the obfuscation of the bene-
fciaries. My first rough draft will
probably read somewhat as follows
1. Timrod Totten, being of sound
mind--in proof whereof | point with
pride to the fact that, having noted
with pain how such schemes usually
work out, / have successfully resisted
ell attempts in the part of my loving
relatives to bamboozle and cajole me
into making over my property to them
in return for the promise Of a good
nome and a tender coddling for the
balance OF my natural life-I givc, be
oueath. devise and fork over, to GER
tain of my kinspeopIe, whose names
l shall later FIJI into this document
whatever is left of my possessions
after my various other requests shall
have been satisfied. and to their heirs,
assign and-so-ons, to have, hold, grab
ana clutch, to use, squander, squabble
and fight over, about and around,
world without end for all | care.
TO Mrs. Henrietta M. Peck, nee
Medlicott, society leader, clublady,
and defender of the faith generally
who long ago firmly and thrice re-
iected my proposals Of marriage, l be-
uueath the sum Of three hundred doll
lars and my profoundest thanks; and
to her husband, Henry Petty Peck.
who cut me out, in return for which
| then darkly thought Of pushing him
into well, l give three hundred dol
lars and my warmest sympathy.
To my second-cousin, Dorcas
stang. I leave the sum Of two hum
dred dollars, providing that my fnn-
eral be held in and fEona her 'front.'
parlor. with the window. blia2R fnng
wide open and the glad sunshin&
streaming in on the carpet, realizing
the keeness of the long baffled yearn
of the neighbors to invade the sane-
tity of that dank and clammy retreat,
and believing that their pleasuse wtu
Just about offset her pain.
TO the able. editor of the Weekly
Clarion l leave the sum of fifty dollars
in consideration of the boon that he
write as truthful an obituary Of me as
his long practice Of journalism WIZ
permit, stating that / was not much
better or worse than the average man.
and on no account referring to me as
'.the Hon.
g" Il leave in trust the sum Of four
teen hundred dollars, for the purpose
of erecting on my lot, at the south
west corner of Main and Bayberry
Streets. stone monument. or shaft,
sixteen feet tall, four feet square at
the base, and of appropriate size at
the top, and opposite to this monu-
ment and facing it, at a distance of
twenty feet, another shaft of like ma
terial. height and dimensions, both as
enduring expressions, of my sympar
thy for two Of the most abused, even
if mythical gentlemen that ever
existed-who have been mahgned,
traduced. slandered and villifiied from
antiquity clear down to now, and UNI
murmuringly endured it all.
One Of the monuments shall bear
the inscription, deeply writ:
Erected to the Memory Of John
Doe, By his only Friend, Timrod Tot
ten"
AS my executors | name my In
veterate enemies, Laban Lattimer,
Geo. w. Swank and Joel Judson. GER
tan OF their immovable honesty be-
cause Of the fact that they have hated
me as Enswervingly for twenty-seven
years as / have hated them. select
them as my executors because of the
fun they will have with my heirs, and
tbs fun ! am now having In anticipa-
ton OF the fun my heirs will have
Y tn my executors
81 intend to add from time to time
other bequeaths and various codicils,
with instructions to the lawyer to pep
per them in where they will be the
most effective. at the same time ex-
pressing my regret that I cannot be
hero to enjoy the sounds of deviltry
by night which my last wiz and tesla
ment may be confidently expected to
produce
Tom P. Morgan.