davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-05-30
EFT CERTAINLY IS THE LIFE!"
the greatest difficulty in starting it

the greatest difficulty in starting it
up again.
BY this time had come to realize
that my health was seriously impair
ed. In other words, was in what
one might call poor shape. II 1 let
things go on as they were I should
very soon become an old man. 1t was
time to look for a remedy. AFTER
ALL said to myself. "in these days
Of enlightenment there must be a
cure for everything. Let us begin
at once.
decided first to restore my hair.
I was well aware-from having read
advertisements on the subject--that
the loss of my hair was due simply
to q scatolosis of the Uranium;
merely a case of myolosis-just that.
This trouble / knew could be re-
moved by vigorous rubbing. set to
work. ! seated myself with half q
brick in each hand and began a
vigorous rubbing of my scalp. At the
end Of Is minutes / was delighted to
observe thick glossy growth of
dark hair had broken out all over
my head.
rheumatism" I suppose my readers
are aware that all rheumatic troubles
literature on the subject-to the ef-
feet Of gentle exercises such as may
be taken on the floor of the bedroom
in the morning. and which constitute
little more than a genial and pleasant
diversion.
L went therefore and lay on the
floor Of my bedroom, waited till it
was morning and then. raising my
legs in the air began waving them
ound and round my head, at the same
time singing to myself, 'Tis-the.last-
rose of Summer left-blooming-alon
The effect was admirable. AS the last
verse Of the song died away rose
to my feet without a trace Of rheu-
matisrn. MY neck had regained its
power Of movement. With something
like exaltation turned my neck three
times round on it's base without effort.
"Now," said / to myself Il thought
1t wise to keep talking to myself. as
it is the thing generally done) "let
us see what can be done to renew and
restore my waning digestion"
/ descended to my dining room and
rang the bell for my butler. Bring
me-" said, 10 gallons of warm
water q double portion Of dry sand
and a bucket of sour milk" The good
fellow promptly complied with my re-
quest ana IN q few moments the appe-
Evening star., 1926-05-30
Philosophy in the Home Takes New and Unusually Striking Forms
Perfect Fool Decides Hash Is Not Made,
But Should Be Called an Accumulation
BY ED WYNN.

BY ED WYNN.
~ EAR Mr.. Wynn: am a mar
ried man. Have been mar
ried for Is years but am
very unhappy. My wife and
quarrel all the time. What
can I do? My wife Is 40 years old.
Truly yours.
NERvIS RECK.
Answer-Change her for two
twenties.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I read in the news
papers that the Statue Of Liberty's
right hand measures liz inches. Is
that true, and. II SO, why did they
make it just 11h inches.
Yours truly, ..
HUGH GOTTA SHOWME.
| Answer-Her hand was made 111s
| inches long because the sculptor
knew that II he made her hand II
inches long 1t would have been foot.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I know nothing
about the workings of the stock
market but my ambition is to become
a speculator on Wall Street. What ]
want to know is, will they make me a
bull" or a "bear." Sincerely,
T.. z. MARK.
Answer--If you know nothing about
Wall Street they will not make you
a "bull" or a "bear." They will
make monkey" out of you.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: went to a friends
| house. yesterday, and he had some
homemade whisky. 1 didn't take any
but he took one drink, then wanted
to sell me the City Of st. Louis for
$50. I promised to call on him next
week. What should do II he takes a
drink and It makes him so crazy as
to want to sell me st. Louis for $50?
Yours truly:
KAYNEN ABOL.
Answer-Don't be silly. II he takes
q drink Of whisky and offers you st.
Louis for $50. you take a drink and
buy it.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I went into the
dining room of the Astor Hotel yes
terday and / saw 35 people get up
from their tables and walk out OF the
room. I wonder why?
! Yours truly.
Answer-They were through eating.
| Dear Mr.. Wynn: read in the
napers that the man who was just ar
rested for having eight wives says he
became a bigamist merely in the name
of humanity. What does he mean?
| Truly yours.
| UNO THATSALYE.
| Answer-He probably Is very kind
man and married all those women to
keep then, from becoming old maids
and shoot!1g themselves.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: On my next birth.
day will be 81 years old. I am torn
between two thoughts. I am keeping
| company with girl and expect to
Evening star., 1926-05-30
an q dollar and fifty for it, and the
hald 01If

an a dollar and fifty for it, and the
woman held out.
Mrs. Goofnah Is going back tolnor-
row and offer her two dollars because
the chair Is worth every cent OF a
hundred dollars so I thought l would
just run out and give the woman two
twenty-five or even go as high as five
dollars II necessary, of course Mrs.
Goofnah Is one of my very dearest
friends. and l wouldn't go behind her
back for worlds especially in
this case, because If was to go behind
her back. why that would mean she
was ahead of me and she might get
the chair, I am SO excited! And I
says, Hot Bozo! don't see what for.
II you are anxious to get extra chair
for your house they are having a
sale of chairs this week down to the
Emporium at $3.50 ca. Why not pay
a little more and get a new one?
Well, the look Mabel give me
couldn't of been translated, not into
American. anyway. the censors
poor dear. she says, how absurd!
Why, don't you know that antique
furniture is the thing to have now
adays? she says. don't you know any.
thing about Amusing stuff" or AT.
mosphere?" And l says oh yes. But
thought you was talking about
! furniture!
Well, about that time we had come
to a street where there was what l
at first took to be a junk shop, but
the sign says I. Jipem, Antiques, Rare
Pieces, or What Have You?
Mabel stopped in front. Do you
mind dear. If we run In here a min
ute. first? she says. And I says of
course not, suppose you want him to
| sell off some of your second hand
things for you now that you are get
| ting all new things, mean old. And
| she says no, no, / merely want to
see II he has found an Early 17th Cen
utry Italian Ice-box for me that he
thought he could locate. And / says
we'll dear, II he can't make the grade,
I know where there is a early Italian
ice-box. it's at Tony's grocery. right
you can get milk out Of it as early as
| seven am.
! But Mabel didn't seem interested.
She had caught sight of old kitchen
cupboard standing just outside the
shop door. There was no back to it
and the front was mostly missing.
somebody had smashed it full of buck
shot, and it had a bad list to star.
board.
But Mabel went up and all but
I kissed it. Oh, isn't 1t a love? She
says. isn't it a perfect darling? And
l says whose darling, the ash.mans?
And she says Oh Jennie, 1 simply
must have it for my living room!
And she rushed in and asked the man
how much? And the man says it's
only one hundred and ninety, and
Mabel says not bad, not bad, I'll take
1t, oughtn't to, I can't AFFORD it.,
but I will.
| X X j. X
WELL, thought 1t was pretty bad,
| w myself, seeing that the only rea.
sonable use she could have for it in
her living room would be in the open
fireplace. But Mabel wasn't satisfied
with the cupboard. She bought not
alone it and the amusing period ice.
Evening star., 1926-05-30

through several major operations in
cluding having its face lifted, its up
holstery plucked. been in a mud-pack,
lost two legs and part Of It's backbone
However. Mabel was delighted
isn't 1t q dear? she says. putting 1t In
the back of the car as careful as II
It had been eggs. Isn't 1t a. sweetie?
she says, and / only hadder give the
woman three dollars after all! I just
know Mrs. Goofnah will be perfectly
furious, but all's fair in war and An
tique collecting. The thing Is worth
at least a hundred and seventy-five
dollars il it's worth a cent. And nat.
urally I agreed with Mabel II that
darned thing was worth even q cent II
was worth anything else she liked to
name-if.!
WELL, after that we took our anus
w ing little interesting rare piece OF
early American calamity back to
Mabel's house. where I and she and
the hired girl carried the remains in
to the house as careful and respect
fully as II they had been human. and
after Mabel had called 1t pet names
for twenty or so minutes, she showed
me the rest of her collection. and told
how she was throwing out all her
vulgar modern furniture, and even
the commonplace solid mahogany
that her grandmother had left her and
how she was replacing 1t as fast as
possible with pine and maple stuff, all
very weak and with the ricketts-in
other words. the very latest thing in
interior desecration.
Well. when / had seen the entire
bone-yard, the very cream OF the early
American barn yards, II you get me
why I says goodbye. dear, I believe
] will walk home, ! want to think
And then she says well dear, I GER
tainly have enjoyed having you with
me today. And could see she sin
cerely meant it, too. what lady
wouldn't enjoy spending about a thou
sand dollars on anything before a best
friend who she knew wasn't able tc
afford to do the same?
So I says I have had a wonderful
time. too, dear. ] says, especially since
I have for some time been intending
to do our house over in Antiques, only
I been waiting to see how decrepit
your stuff was SOS / could have ours
a little worse-I mean better, and
wanner say right now that I think
your taste is simply extraordinary!
So then we give each other one OF
them mind-the- paint kisses of two girl
friends, and I walked on home de
termined would have my house done
up in Antiques, but worried to death
pretty near, over the expense. An
tiques, 1t seemed, come terrible high
and T didn't see any ways that we
could possibly afford them.
Then, just as reached despair and
my front door I had a idea. I seer
how I could get Antiques as good as
Mabel's and much cheaper. I walked
right in to the cupboard where had
put the tool-chest Geo. had give
Junior for his birthday. on the high
est shelf, took it down again, and give
it back to my son. Here, darling.
says, Mommer wants her little boy tc
have his fun-go right ahead and
show Mommer what you can do to the
furniture-go as far as you like,
promise not to lick you!
fCopyriGht. 1926.)
Evening star., 1926-05-30

tizing display appeared upon the table.
suppose most of my readers know
of the curative action of warm water
taken internally. Suffice it to say that
had no sooner drunk couple of gal
Ions than 1 felt what I can best de-
scribe as a warm glow all through
me. At the end of the fourth gallon
a superabundant sense of buoyancy
replaced my previous depression.
With a feeling of exultation and graft
tude which l can hardly describe i
now turned to my box of sand and
helped myself to tablespoonful after
tablespoonful. My indigestion was
cured.
But one thing more was needed.
Sour milk, as no doubt my readers
have read, contains in itself all the
elements needed for perpetual youth.
1t not only rejuvenates the digestive
apparatus but 1t acts also directly
upon the duodenum, the mezzonine
and the auditorium.
A man who keeps himself full of
sour milk all the time will have no
fear Of death. In my own case I
of 1t I was conscious Of a general in
ternal tranquility, q sense Of calm
ness and stagnation comparable only
to a frog pond at midnight.
My cure was now complete. And
yet even in the moment of its COM
pletion the cup of happiness was
dashed from my lips. AS rose from
the table ! was seized with n renewed
spasm of rheumatism coupled with q
twinge Of locomotor ataxia, while at
the same time bunch of hair fell
from my head and floated to the floor.
hastily threw myself on the floor
and waved my legs in the air. But,
alas. the disturbance set up in the
sour milk disarranged again the equi-
librium of my digestion.
In short, was destined to find that
my whole method of cure was a fall
lacy. Any one Of my symptoms could
be removed, but not all Of them. In
curing one, / brought back another.
persevered as best l could. /
spent the larger part OF my time lying
on the floor waving my legs like a
daffodil. singing. skipping. rubbing my
scalp. and pausing only to drink u
bucketful of sOur milk.
In fact. was Just on the point of
giving up the whole attempt at BAN
fishing old age when the solution of
the problem came upon me quite un-
expectedly. had gone out in an in
terval Of my efforts on the front porch
and sat down there determined never
Evening star., 1926-05-30
BY RING LARDNER.

"O the editor: So far I amt
never heard Of nobody even
offering to take the negative
Il side Of the proposition that
girls will be girls and no won-
der when you come to think of 1t.
For instants we had callers the other
week for some reason another and one
of the ladies hadn't never been inside
of our little love nest before and she
asked to be showed all around and
her verdict was what a pretty home
you have got and 1t is arranged so
lovely too.
So after the Co. had gone the
madam asked me did I have any
money and I said not much but was
expecting q check from the man who
1 had sold them 2 loads Of gravel to
that had shook out Of my shoe when
We had came home from Princeton
that time with the Hammonds.
WELL" she says, II have got to
have some extra money as want to
make a lot Of alterations on the
house."
Alterations" I explained. "Why
that woman tonight said she thought
it was q lovely house and also ar.
ranged lovely"
"Yes," said the madam, "but she
might come again and If she seen 1t
the next time just like 1t is now they
wouldn't be nothing she could say"
So anyway we are in the throws
of alterations and the main idear Of
same seems to be to provide q kind Of
q private ward for the master which
don't never half to poke my head
out OF same even for meals and
can be kept a absolute secret from
both friends and morbid curiosity
seekers and will be living under prac.
tically the same conditions like Mrs.
Haversham or the guys wife In Jane
Eyre.
The only time I been consulted in
regards to the affair was one day
when happened to collide with the
interior decorator in the hall and she
said her and the madam had been
disgusting 1t between themselves but
just to satisfy her own curiosity she
would ask me what would like my
new room done in. So told her I
would like it done in q hurry.
AS luck would have It I was brought
up on morning newspapers and have
Evening star., 1926-05-30
Carpenters Concert While You Sleep
One of Those Things Hard to Ignore

"They are going at it hammer and
tongs."
WELL" I says, II wished they
would get to the tongs solo,"
Was it not for my training with
my kiddies it would Of certainly been
impossible for me to tour the house
lately without serious accident. Chill
dren. or at lease my children, uses
chairs for only one purpose. to stand
on the rungs of same to see If they
will break. When they want to read
or play some sedentary game. they
lay or set on the floor.
So / have just naturally acquired
the habit Of watching my step in
roaming from room to room SO as not
to scrunch no bodies and only for
they's no telling how many brave
Evening star., 1926-05-30
THE CARPENTERS PLACE IS
EVIDENTLY ON THE FLOOR"

union men I would Of trampled under
It. while patrolling my baronial halls
which former Marine told me re-
minded him of Belleau Wood In late
July, 1918, as far as human hazards
was concerned. Because no matter II
the contract IL to build q new dre
escape or q skylight or bookcase, q
Evening star., 1926-05-30
Huge Aerial Masts.

GO huge are the masts supporting
the aer;als of the new superpower
radio station at Rugby. England. that
there is an electrical elevator. having
O. capacity of three persons, i'm each
mast. The masts are $50 feet high.
which is half again as high as the
Washington Monument. There are II
Of these niasts carrying 8 miles of
aerial.
Evening star., 1926-05-30
.IIE STARED IN THE WINDOW AND BEGAN MAKING CRIMACEs

of it and not know that they's II car
penters giving concert elsewheres
on the premises. So that is why !
been kind OF anxious that they would
hurry and get through so as I could
get some sleep and made a remark
Ito that effect to the madam yesterday.
1T won't be much longer" she says.
Evening star., 1926-05-30

never been able to get over the habit
Of doing my best sleeping between
am. and noon and 1t seems that
those Is the same hours when carpen-
ters does their loudest work and while
eur house ain't no police booth, stAl
and ali neither Il It big enough so as
YOU can be rooming in any one corner
Evening star., 1926-05-30

able. Can you suggest some other
recipe? Sincerely,
INA SITE.
Anfwer next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
Copyright. 1920
Evening star., 1926-05-30

I want to reduce, SO went to doctor
who told me to take 20 rolls after
breakfast. I started in today but
after / ate II rolls l felt uncomfort-
Evening star., 1926-05-30

"O the editor: So far I amt
never heard Of nobody even
offering to take the negative
i side of the proposition that
girls will he girls and no won.
Evening star., 1926-05-30

Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am a woman "a
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-10-28

speculative following. Pittsburgh 4
West Virginia was run up Az points
before the end Of tho third hour and
Atlantic Coast Line, three. Further
realizing developed in Norfolk 4
Western, which sold down five points
from Tuesdays high, despite the un.
cxpcctcdly generous cxtrn cash div
idcnd distribution this week.
Pan American and General Asphalt
issues were the early leaders III the
oil group, with buying based on the
splendid character Of current earnings
statements. Recent weakness Of
these issues apparently had discount
cd, at least in part, the recent in
crease III crude production and soften
Ing price tendency for gasoline. Du-
pont (ncw stock) making its first ap-
pearance on the exchange, was quick
Is run up three points, with q gain
o carly twice that size on the old
:; G.. Continental Baking ~ at
ieas, four points higher rs CONNER
cial Solvents a." Case Thrcshing
and National Enamcling moved up
three points or so.
The closing was irregular. Profit
taking broke out among the market
leaders in the late trading causing a
number of rcccssions from the early
high levels. P;lthc broke nearly five
points and Louisville ( Nashville.
Wortl,ngton Pump, Timkcn Roller
Dcaria., and United States Alcohol
wcr. heavy. General Motors crossed
153 before rcactine. Total sales ap.
proximatcd 1,S00. 900 shares.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-10-28
FARM RELIEF
DEFEATED BY
PARTISANSHIP

CContinIcd from page one)
people, not in the theory that the
people must serve the parties.
blind craftsmanship 10 blame
Blind partisanship defeated the
farm relief program. hope this
blindness will gradually die out, and
! believe it is fast dying right now
Many blind ones have suffered great
agony at tho polls this year. others,
opening their eyes just long enough
"a see what the people were thinking
Of blind political following. have he
gun to stir about md think about Il
program Of causing the party to serve
the people for change. Blind parti-
sanship defeated farm relief. Repre-
acntatives did not vote against thc
farm bill so much because they didn't
like the bill rs they did because Of
the displeasurc they knew would come
from party leaders II they vote
for It.
Government as constituted under
tbs 500. Y..er vi Dllnd partisanship
following, Is not or has mo- baan re
sponsive to the farmers or the masses
OF people. COnl ress, su, ose q
representative Of the wishes and in
terests Of all the people, is not dane
ing to the music Of tho pcO-
pie. They are too busy paving the
fiddler who pays for expensive cam
paigns."
Declaring that the Mellon tax bill
twas legislation written in the in.
terests Of the favored few ut the ex.
pcnsc Of the Masses Nyc said that
only 10 North Dakota residents bcnc-
fitted from the tax cuts il contained
and these only to the extent Of 81, $50.
Under the Mellon bill, he said. John
u. Rockefeller. Jr.. alone received II
tax saving equa! to that for 20 states
like North Dakota.
The government, he said, dis not
Mt all anxious" to reduce the national
.dcbt because eastern bankers could
not find elsewhere so secure an in
vcstmcnt and such u certain return
Ut interest as in government bonds.
Nyc also cited the foreign debt
settlements rs an index Of the control
Of the government by financial inter
tsts. engineered to insure repayment
Of private loans to foreign powers.
DebC settlements already made, he
said, have cost North Dakota residents
$40 each. He also presented table
showing the cost to various North
DHkOfH counties
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-10-28


IN the Matter OF the Estate Of
Walter Smith, otherwise known as
Lina Walter Smith. Deceased.
Notice is hereby given by the un-
dersiensa. Walter Is. Smith. the adj
ministrator Of the estate of Walter
Smith. otherwise known as Lima
Walter Smith. late Of the city OF
Minneapolis. in the corntv ~ HAr-
nepin. in the State of Minnesota,
deceased, to the creditors O.. ..,.A. ~.
deceased. to exhibit them with the
necessary vouchers. within six
months after the first publication of
this notice. to said Walter II. Smith.
said ADMINISTRATORS. nt the office OF
George NJ. Register. In the Webb
Burleigh county, North Dakota, or
to tho Judge OF the County Court
OF Burletgh county, North Dakota,
at his office in the Burleieh county,
North Dakota. court house In the
c ctsx Of Nor HshsTnarcn is BEL, Parlslsa
NJ Register. whoSe addreas "a Err
mafck, North Dakota, and VINO re-.
sides In said Bismarck, 10 the real..
dent agent In the state Of Noft1r
Dakota Of the nndeEsiened adaniniS-
s srs S Ma.tsr afsn ,tn, 6ot,fts
that Hon. ]. G. Ds rs. JGdxs 81 t iSS
leigh county. North nsKota:s has
ftxed the l0th day OF Nay; a. d.
i iss7 to e sss hour e 81; sl e! r.
pSkst court Eoafe e SoS nv aite ers u
nlShia 1ck. tn RGrlsi9lf t6Md{ Noytsy
Datketa ~ tiss siI0S am6 pi6oe Tor
hea;inf ana. aa5pstsng ~! ela4sIs+
@ sSisscs sss Sea- &c., S. ~ ~
DfASenfed - ,heFS ~ 81 {oSSs Sn*Sssf ~
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-10-28

Yok :AAIE

y FdlfN ,ANaxX hnrsn h..a,nnd
t~tSx M.. ~ Ous., '.s'f go "A.
s!l9X} 81 sS n ~ room. wei. ~
i Z - ~ ~ M Naass, ) bsd a. r NOM.
ss 'a eat 'front.' s.. g s,b fco s los' fss
4 Ai EN- ss0us wv Gown a
n t naSess1 Sd noGss; sa asiass esst.p
S1sy,s.kSt ~ SSssHw "a r r~s' 's':
FIJI S9s 5 ssn ssi SsS SH ssse. os,t
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-10-28
MINNEAPOLIS RANGE
Oct. IS
CHICAGO LIVESTOCK

Chicago, Oct. 2S-(U. ). II. Of A.
Hogs $1,000; f2rily active; gcncr-
ally steady to 10 cents lower than
Wednesdays close; big packers mac.
tive; top 1850 paid for 40 to 325
pound averages; bulk go to 800
pound 13.l6013.45; most leo to 200
lpound averages l2.65@l3.8s: slaughter
pigs in good demand; steady bulk
l2.OO@l2.75: packing SONS uneven;
few desirable kind 500 to 400 pounds
lO.76@ll.75; heasies downward 10
1000; heavyweight hogs 14.35@13 So.
medium l3.OO@13.50; light l2.5O@
1886; light light, 11.60@fS.OO; pack
INK sows 10.O0@i2.OO; slaughter pigs
II ..1.aN. ~ .-s-rs and ye.--
ling trade largely on catch as catch
can basis. Weak to Is cents lower.
heavy kinds OF most; wcikhty steers
largely Is cents and in instances 100
lower for week; best yeariings early
ut ll.5O: 1,3l4 pound steers 1918:
hulk Of weiehty fed steers 5000
1000; fresh receipts. increased by lib
rral Follower for Wednesday: light
yearlings scarce; she stock weak to
% cents lower: other classes steady.
Sheep 1900; fairly active, fat
lambs mostly steady: choice range
lambs, to shippers 1886; bulk natives
to packers 13.26@lS.76; natives held
above 100: choice short fed clipped