davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

for all he was worth. Say, I think 1
look pretty good. he says, by gollies it
feels fine to wear a little color for a
change, say Jennie, guess you never
knew before what a handsome hus-
band you had. did you? Then he give
one look at my map and made a big
discovery. For the luvva tripe. he
says, you don't expect to go with all
that paint on your face, do you?
I says, now Geo, please don't start
that old gag, you always pull that
whenever we start to go any place.
And he says, l don't care. you got too
much paint on, wipe it off. So | made
pass at my mouth, without, how
ever, touching it, and l says, there, is
that better? And he says. yeh,
that's more like 1t, but you still got
on too much. here, lend me little of
that red stuff. l think / need some
dope on my face to go with this rig.
So fixed Georges face, and told him
how wonderful he looked, which sat
tsfied him even without my going into
details, and then we steered for the
party all set to stun the crowd.
And believe you me, it was some
party, and the pass word of the eve
ming was to yell oh. my hear, how
wonderful you look. A person needed
all their strength and lungs, too, when
they looked at some of the get-ups
their friends had on, such for a sample
as Mr.. Goofnah in kits with his knees
all out of alignment, and Mrs. Goof-
nah, who had ought TO of had better
sense at her age. wearing both her
chins and a age u, size AS. Bingham
dress.
Then, on the other hand, that bot
tie blond, Miss Demeanor, was very
Hastily gotten up. she went as a dish
of spaghetti all draped in wreaths of
garlic, and tomato labels, while DR..
Salary. the one she's engaged to, was
too cute for words as Buster Brown,
only he hadn't shaved his mustache,
which made the impersonation not SO
convincing. Old Gen. Buster wore
his uniform, the one he had new at
the Battle of Pea-soup, and it was all
full of bullet holes, or so he claimed.
but it was so long since they was
made that he was by now giving
credit to bullets that was really due
the moths. However. the browning
glory was the host and hostess, Mabel
had a blond wig with two long braids.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
Humorists Community in Hot Battle
Over Name of Principal Thoroughfare

! france and town named Paris,
Illinois, and they's people in Paris,
Illinois, that can't even begin to COM
| mence to talk French.
3. The name Middle Neck Road
tells Its own story. viz. it is the road
| in the middle of the neck When YOU
nave got a name as pat as that and
when 1t is a time honored name that
| 1t is as old as the community itself,
| and etc.
In rebuttai the other side says a
| name don't half to be apropoS as long
| as 1t Is pretty name. Like for inst
we have got street in Great Neck
| named Hicks Lane which is beauti-
| full name and nobody ever thought of
changing 1t though only a few of the
families abutting on that street is
| hicks. And then there is Cow Lane
| where Ed Streeter lives that use to
write the dere Mable letters and he
amt a COW, amt got a COW and hates
| milk. The present writer's brother
| lives on Lodge Road and amt even an
| Elk.
Gene Buck lives on Nassau Road and
was never at Princeton only for foot
| ball games and was never at Nassau
| in the Bahamas. Then there is Spruce
place and | have seen people living
| on 1t that was absolutely dowdy, to
say nothing about folks residing on
Overlook avenue who their neighbors
say they don't overlook nothing
However it might be just as well IL
, the belligerentS was showed some way
| to compromise and my suggestion is
| that new name be selected that
would combine beauty and elegance
with aptness you might say and pre-
serve the sense of Middle Neck, like
| for example Adams Apple Avenue,
| Larynx Lane, Thyroid Thoroughfare,
| Trachea Terrace, Windpipe Way or
Jugular Boulevard.
When this affaire du occur is de-
| cided one or both ways the next prob
| lem is whether or not to change the
| name of the town itself on acct. of it
| being miles from Little Neck and not
| only that but when you say so and
| so is Great Necker you are libel to
give the impression that they are a
red hot peter. Four or five years
ago the substitute name Goither was
suggested by May Wilson Preston,
but for some reason another did not
seem to take. Leaders In the COM
munity has been bordering this the
last IL mo. but so far has come to
no definite decision. Amongst the
suggestions put forward has been
Swollen Tonsils, Eighteen Collar and
zbyzsko.
Copyright. 1920
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
Antique Dancing Garb UpoDae Spenders and News Novee
Reservations for Florida Are Bought
But Controversy Over Trip Is Raging

What way" asks the frau.
HE just goes broke" I explain.
You know. his rating down the street
is F. F. F.
HUH puzzles the misses.
1.-TWO fires and failure" I tells
her. why didn't you marry JoeT' 1
goes on. He was one of the sweeties
l saved you FROM
you saved me from nothing" flares
UP Kate.
"At last" says 1, I'VE agree on
something, but, just the same, 1t would
have been grand to have been the wife
Of Joe. All you'd have to say to him
was that you needed a mink coat. and
he'd just start a fire for you. All he'd
have to do is call himself up"
Call himself up?" repeats the wife.
What are you talking about?'
That's the latest in the best arson
| circles" l explains. "A bird ties
| can of gasolene under his telephone
and puts match between the knocker
and the bell. Then he goes home and
rings his office. The buzzing of the
| bell lights the match, which drops into
| the gasolene, and there you are, pearl
| without price,
| That's silly" decides Kate.
You think so?" I return. LAS a
matter of fact, there's talk on the
| street now lndt Glurnp Is ready TO
| take another nose dive into bank,
ruptcy. Now that you tell me that
he's going to Florida, guess it's trua1
| Pretty soft to have your creditors
| pay your expenses"
| AT any rate" remarks the frau,
"Joe must love his wife, IF he's willing
| to take a chance of going to Jail to
| show her good time"
| Like HEX he does" I comes back.
| Hes got TO have a name to put his
stuff in. I'll bet his socks and neckties
are in his Wife's name. How would
you like me to go out with a piece OF
lead pipe and earn you a trip to Palm
Beach,"
You'd probably mess that up, like
everything else" sneers the frau. "I
suppose | should have married man
like Joe Glump."
| why didn't you?' / demands.
Il guess" says the misses, II was
in love with you"
THAT wins" l announces. "Herew
and | passes over an envelope.
| What's that" asks Kate.
The reservations for Florida" says
/. we leave Sunday night"
"Oh, you dear" gushes the frau,
but l thought you were crazy about
staying home"
Kid 1 tells her. home is where
you is
Copyright 1920
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

Just the same" I remarks, sar-
castle. you're willing to put up with
me in Florida
Yes" says she. Down there I can
look oversyour head and see a change
Of scene"
I'm tell you what I'll do" I an
nounces. I'm have some new wall
paper put in the living room and you
can look over my head every evening
while I'm reading the paper. What's
the matter with you women nowadays?
Don't you care anything about your
homes? You go out and spend a kings
transom fixing up a place, and then
you spend the rest of the bankroll
going In for stunts thatll keep you
away from the place. The only home
lovers nowadays are the men. They're
willing to kick their shoes off after a
hard days work and listen in on the
radio, but you james,
Were home all day" cuts in the
wife.
That's the bunk" / snaps. After
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

and looked like a cross between the
Maiden's Prayer and Rock of Ages.
while Joe. in white fiannels and the
hand painted scarf around his waist
was as much like a pirate as any
other conservative business man.
OF COURCE. with all them strange
~ clothes on, everybody felt at lib
erty to act gayer then usual, and by
the time the colored paper hats was
handed out, also the paper plates of
ice cream. why the party had be-
come a regular riot. with people max
ing good original cracks at each other,
such as Hot Dog. lookit Edna S hair.
is that your own face you got on to-
night. Joe, where did you steal that
costume. Ed? And etc.
Then Mabel done real daring
dance with a cup fun OF sliced
bananas and lemon-juice in her hand.
DIR. Salary sat in a plate of ice cream.
I caught my Ophelia dress on a nail
and we told Mabel what lovely time
we had enjoyed and went home while
we had the strength
There now, says George when we
was back In a little comparative priv
acy, | hope YOU are satisfied, he says,
is the worst, but you had your way,
we went. I told you from the be-
ginning it would be fiat tire, but
you hadder go and make silly ass
out OF me! And / says why nobody
could do that, dear. it's too late, but
| personally had A wonderful time and
I'd like to return II as soon as possible.
Say, says George, IL there was any
way of actually returning this eve.
ming. why I couldn't give it back
quick enough. all I've got to return is
this darnation fool costume. and re-
turn a extra check for repairs, besides,
he says.
Now, dear. don't be ridiculous, !
says, we certainly are going TO give
party, real soon, SOS l can borrow
hack my stuff from Mabel Bush.
know that woman, and it's the only
way we'll ever get our glasses and etc.
It's conner be costume party. too,
but the guests are to wear news
papers. We all like to get into print.
and the overhead will be considerably
less.
Copyright, 1926)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

ITO the Editor: Our thriving
little community has lately
split up into 3 rival fractions
/ over the vital question or
whether or not the name OF our
principal street should ought TO be
changed. One fraction says yes, the
other says no and the third amt
heard about 1t yet.
would better exclaim that Great
Neck is the place where / and several
others lives and Great Neck got its
name on acct of being a large neck
of land running out into Longs Island
Sound. The name Of the main street
is Middle Neck Road on accr. OF 1t
running right through the middle OF
the neck from one end to the other
The yes men claim the name is aWk-
ward and besides they's other villages
in the neighborhood that has got
street by the same name and one
time they was a man named Dudley
or Graham or some such name that
lived on Middle Neck Road, Port
Washington, about or mile from
us and he had never got a letter In
his life though he expected one, and
finely his cousin, a man named WEB
ster in Stamford. took a trip to Nassau
and couldn't think of nobody else to
mail a card to SO he mailed one to
this here Dudley or maybe it was
Graham.
The card had a picture Of the sponge
fisheries in the Bahamas. Well, IT
seems that the U. S. mail service
made a mistake and this card come
to Great Neck instead Of going to
Port Washington though it says Port
Washington plain as the nose on Rollie
Zeider's face. This is said to be the
first mistake ever made by the U. 8.
mail service and If this country amt
good enough for you go back from
whence you came.
Anyways a clerk in the Great Neck
post office read both sides Of the card
and come to the conclusion that 1t
was meant to go to this Dudley, alias
Graham, in Port Washington, so he
forwarded 1t there and Graham got 1t
0. X, but day late. SO he did not
know till Wednesday that the
Bahamas is q hot bed of sponges
whereas If he had known 1t Tuesday
he might OF done something.
That is one side of the question
and the proponents of the scream for
changing the name OF Middle Neck
Road point out that the same Incl
dence is libel to occur again in spite
of the fact that Webster was only
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

"HE Glumps," remarks the
- misses. ARE going to Flor
ida for the Winter"
L Yes says l, land
know of a couple of Eski
mokes that are going to Iceland for
the Summer. What does that make
me-a lady harpist?"
Nothing that I do or say" snaps
the frau. can make you anything but
what you are"
THAT being?" l inquiries.
Just a Nix" returns the wife. why
can't you take me to Florida like other
husbands do?"
IL don't remember any husbands
taking you to Florida" l comes back.
What would you want to go away
for, anyways? Don't you like your
home any more?'
II like filet of sole" returns Kate.
but that don't mean I want it every
day. Don't you think l need a change
once In while?''
banks. "Out of the 365 days III bet
you haven't stayed at home a hun
dred days this year"
You're crazy says the misses.
I've hardly stirred out of the house"
IAN right" l remarks. lets figure
1t out. We were away during the
Summer for three months, weren't
Yes" admits the fire and sword.
"but-'
That's a hundred days. isn't it?" I
demands. Last Spring We went to
Atlantic City for three weeks. That's
81 more days"
What of it," shifts the frau.
I'm September, October and Novem
ber." I goes on, I'VE spent every week
end in the country, Friday. Saturday
and Sunday. That's SO more days"
Well" says Kate. even with your
figuring. that's only about $50 days"
Wait minute" 1 tells her, I'VE
haven't started yet. During the year
you went out. at least, a hundred
afternoons. didn't you - shopping,
bridge parties, matinees and the So
forths? Also. / took you out at least
three times a week at night. Add
all of those up to the Summer vaca-
ton and the rest and you'll find that
you didn't come near actually spend
ing hundred days at home"
Yes" agrees the wife sweetly, but
remember, one evening spent at home
with you is equal to three weeks in
any womans life"
You mean.' l asks. lin the knowl-
edge she acquires?"
Il mean" returns the misses. lin
the boredom she collects"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

monkeying around all afternoon at
bridge and lunches you frtlls kick up
a fusswith the old provider II he won't
take you to a jazz palace or a show.
There'll be no Florida this Winter. and
besides, we're going to stay home
lot. I'm going to spend the evenings
looking through the house to see what
you've bought in the last few months
to make the place homelike. Besides,
m broke"
You've got more money than Joe
Glump," shifts the misses
That may be true" | admits, but
the first of the month means pay-out
day to me-"
1T means the same thing to Joe,
doesn't it," demands the wife.
1T does not" l assures her. 1T
doesn't mean anything to him except
ing the little effort it takes to slap
bills on the hook. He still owes for
bis nah jongg set Anyhow, Glump's
got way to get flush whenever he's
ready to take the count
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
One of Those Small Apartments Leaves
No Room for Argument in the Family

they were all sold our club rooms
caught fire, and the plano was burned
to ashes. We are in a Quandary what
to do. What can you suggest?
Sincerely,
C. SHARP.
Answer: Very simple. Hold the
rattle just as you had intended and
instead of finding out who won the
piano. you'll find out who lost the
piano.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am going to
Europe for the first time Can you
tell me where can md some roman
tic old ruins? Yours truly,
MORRY TANNIA.
Answer: If you write me a personal
letter l will tell you where to find
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK

W Z has recently become the habit
to send out and circulate all sorts
of special information in the form
Il OF Services" The schools of
commerce send out financial
services with a forecast of business
conditions six months before they hap
pen and sometimes even six months
before they don't happen.
The departments of agriculture send
out crop reports even before the grain
is planted. The meteorologtsts keep
at least a fortnight ahead of the
weather. Political forecasts are ready
now for all the elections up to 1928.
The hard Winter that is going to
begin about this time of year has been
definitely prophesied, in fact promised,
by the squirrels, the groundhogs, and
the makers of fur garments and by
the West Indian steamship agents.
It has occurred to me that a useful
extension might he made to these
services" by adding an Advance
European Cable Service" By this
means all readers Of European news
instead of having to read the cables
day by day, could get them In a lump
Of several weeks or a month at time.
Anybody who has studied such dis
patches for the last three of four
years recognizes at once that the
cables run in regular round, quite
easy to prophesy. In the modest
little attempt appended below for a
part of the month of January, l have
endeavored to put in merely the ordi-
nary routine of European public life,
without prophesying anything of an
exceptional or extreme character.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
BY ED WYNN.


Dear Mr.. Wynn: My son is Is years
Of age. He Is unable to get position.
No one thinks he can do any work
the thinnest thing you ever saw.
Where do you think he can get a job?
Yours truly,
Answer: II he is as thin as you say,
get him 2 Job In q music store clean
ing out fluteA
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am q travelling
man and on my arrival at homo the
doctor greeted me with the great news
that / was the father Of triplets. Tho
peculiar part of the whole thing Is
that arrived home Just as the clock
struck three. and I was told l had
three children. What do you think
I. M. PROUD.
Answer: L think that's great, but
I also think you're lucky you didn't
arrive homo when the clock struck
IL.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: have just return.
ed from a trip around the world.
while In Turkey noticed tho Turkish
peasants looked very dirty. ! have
never seen such dirty people. Why
are they so dirtyi Yours truly.
SUE EZZ.
Answer: You can't look clean unless
YOU battle. The Turkish peasants
look so dirty because they export all
the Turkish baths to this country.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: am secretary of
a Iittle social club. We needed some
money 30 we decided TO rafie OF .
niano. We had 1000 taolksts printed =
~ - = dollar AplooA \ ar A&tAR
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
Advance Cable Stories Meet Changes
Expected in All Foreign Situations
Copyright. 1890

currency this morning by the estab.
lishment Of new, and easier. mark is
working wonders. The factories are
running on full time, the shops are
crowded with visitors. the hotels are
bursting with guests and the theaters
are offering Shakespeare. Grand
Opera and Uncle Toms Cabin.
VIENNA, January 14.-Autria has
collapsed again.
Dear Old Russia
PETROGRAD otherwise Leningrad
or Trotskyville) January 11.-Reports
from the Caucasus say that Red forces
made drive at the Caucasians yes
terday. The latter Just got out of the
road in time.
January 15.-Word has been re-
ceived that the Reds made a fierce
drive at Semipalatink. They only got
part Of it.
January 49, Wireless dispatches
say that the Reds are preparing for a
drive against the Persians. Most of
the Persians have already climbed up
Mount Ararat.
January lit Is reported that the
council of Workmen's Soviet Of Mos.
COW have passed a resolution declar.
ing that universal peace has come.
international Goodwill.
TOXIC, January 1s.-viscount Itch
Is reported in the Japanese Daily
Hootch as saying that the time has
come when Japan could not tolerate
the existence of the United States on
the other side Of the Pacific. It would
have to be moved. Wild excitement
prevailed after the delivery Of the
speech. Enormous crowds paraded
the streets of Toxic, shouting Down
with America" An American mis-
sionary was chased into a Chinese
restaurant.
TOXIC, January 19.-Viscount Itch
has issued a statement to the effect
Japan and the United States are
sisters. Wild enthusiasm prevails.
Great crowds are parading the streets.
shouting "Attaboi Coolidji!' The mis-
sionary has come down again.
YOKOHAMA, January 20. - The
business section of Yokohama was de-
stroyed by an earthquake.
YOKOHAMA, January Fl. The
business section of Yokohama has
been propped up again and nailed into
position.
Far Away South Seas.
January 22.-Cable advices received
via Fiji and Melbourne report that the
Marquesas Islanders In q plebiscite
have voted for prohibition. direct leg
islature. proportional representation
and tho abolition Of cannibalism.
Soma moro votes win DO taken maxi
| week.
tCopy.ighk 1e20.l
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

in Nassau weeks and is now back
in Stamford drawing cartoons. This
fraction suggested that the new name
be some kind of a name descriptive
of the community, like Wonder Road
or Actors Avenue.
The I'd fraction presents the follow
ing arguments.
l. There Is street in Chicago
named ED st. and there is a st. in
New York named 22d st. and there Is
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
Famous Voices.

THE British Broadcasting Co. and
the British Museum have made
an arrangement whereby some Of the
photograph records Of famous voices
will be broadcast, says Scientific
American. The tentative list includes
Tennyson, Sir Herbert Trees record of
Hamlet's soliloquy on death and
Roosevelt's speech against the trusts.
1t was hoped that record made by
Queen Victoria could be put on the air,
but this was decided against because
the words were registered on an old
cylinder, which does not gtvo q f1uo
tdea 6 her yeies.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

some romantic old ruins, but don't
blame me If you marry one of them.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: / am a married
man and the father of two children.
We live in large house and should
be very happy, but on the contrary
my wife and I argue from morning
till night. What remedy do you sug-
gest? Yours truly,
AID VIZEMEE.
Answer: Tho reason you and your
wife argue all the time is because you
live in q big house. Just move your
self, your wife and two children into
any of the new apartment houses and
you'll find there Is no room for argu-
ment.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Do you believe in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

st. in Philadelphia named 22d st.
and there is a man living on 22d St.
New York, by the name of Cahill and
he was in Oregon in 1924 and met
a gal there and she promised to write
him a letter and she wrote 1t and he
not only got 1t but wouldn't even
answer 1t as she kept limiting in the
letter that she would like to come east
some time.
2. There is q town named Paris in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
Cable Service for January.
German Revolution Coming.


BERLIN, January A monarchi-
cal wave is reported as having swept
over Germany The widest excite
ment prevails. A hundred persons
were trampied to death in Berlin the
other day. The return of the Kaiser
is expected at any moment.
And Going.
BERLIN, January 5.-A republican
wave has swept over Germany in the
place of the monarchtcal wave of yes
terday. Another hundred people
We're trampled to death. William
Hohenzollern is reported as still at
Doom in Holland.
And Has Gone.
BERLIN, January 6.-Germany Is
quiet. Spring shopping is beginning
already. Everywhere there is cheer
fitness and optimism. Nobody was
erampled to death all day.
Frenzied Finance In France.
PARIS, January 7.-Following on
the sensational statement of the min
lister of finance that France would
widest excitement prevailed on the
Bourse. The franc. which had been
fairly steady all yesterday. rose to it's
feet, and staggered right across the
street where it collapsed in heap.
Gloom prevails in financial circles.
PARIS, January S.-The minister Of
finance has issued a supplementary
abatement tn tina e1eat that France
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

Oh, Heavens.

Tourist gazing at volcano)-
Say. it looks like Hades, doesn't 1t?
Native-My, how these Americans
have travelled!
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03

No Danger of Burning.
senior-what IL cold boiled ham?
Trosh-Oh, that's ham boiled n eold
Nat9r, ISN'T NJ
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-03
BY SAM HELLMAN.

I /"HE Glumps,' remarks the
- misses. ARE going to Flor
ida for the Winter
L Yes" says 1, land L