davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-06-13

notice how lucky you are, you never
knew so much about stars before. why
all the moving picture magazines and
astronomy books in the world com
bined couldn't teach you as much
about stars as you have learned In
five minutes, And just about then
the telephone rang.
Well. Of all things if it wasn't Mabel
Bush, the one that's married to that
Joe Bush of the Hawthorne Club, and
she says, oh say dear. please be per
fectly frank. do tell me il YOU mind,
but I dunno what to do, ! got Il girl
staying with me, | only got her to-
day, and I don't know how long she
will stay. am paying her thirty five a
week, but you know how they are.
YOU can't depend on them, nova days,
and she heard where YOU was giving
this lunch-party and she says if l
don't take her to it she will give
notice. | cant bear to lose her, would
you mind a whole lot if | bring her
along? I don't know what to do they
are so hard to get.
Well naturally / wasn't conner let
a friend down. not just when she had
caught the only remaining hired girl
in the world so I says why of course,
dear. il it's the new maid, bring her,
certainly. If it was your old mother
or your twin sister, or some person of
no Importance like that, l would say
no. but understand. this is a excep-
tional case.
And then when / had cordially hung
up / realized where this would make
13 at table, and that it would Ger
tainly be a open question about that
maid remaining after such a circun-
70 jrl, i,'
I lucky, though, that it amt my lady
help, AS for the 13 part Of it, why.
being hostess, l would of course haf
to give up my chicken pattie and
fancy ice cream. because it was too
late to order any extra. but that was
lucky, on account | am dieting and
them things don't make a person any
more slender.
Well, by this time I was dressed
and ready to start and it had COM
menced to rain. Junior had come in
the house. and just as l started down
the hall, Hot Bozo, if the little darling
didn't start for me with my UNI
brella. and he opened it in the house.
At first I was conner yell at him to
quit, but too late. On account when
Jr. opened the umbrella he knocked
over my pet vase on the console table
and broke it all up. Well. for min
ute I was the same. but not for long.
] am not bit silly about such things,
| at once realized where it might of
happened just as easy on the 18th or
14th and | was so decided to ignore
all superstitions that / just merely
says thank you. dear. took the UNI
brella and commenced to walk out.
but the door wasn't wide enough. so
| walked from the inside out and so
Evening star., 1926-06-13

tural Association has come round
again. l don't mind telling you
straight out that of all the disagree
able jobs that fall to me, as governor
of this State, my visit to your Fall
fair is the toughest.
l want to tell you gentlemen, right
here and now, that I don't know any
thing about agriculture and / don't in
tend to. My parents were able to
bring me up in the city in a rational
way. / didn't have to do chores in
order to go to the high school. as
some of those present have boasted
that they did. My only wonder is that
they ever got there at all. They show
no traces of it.
This afternoon, gentlemen. you
took me all round your live stock ex-
hibit. walked past, and through,
nearly quarter of a mile of hogs.
what was it that they were called
amworths-Berkshire I don't re-
member. But all / can say. gentle
men, is-Phew. Just that. That
word sums up my whole idea Of your
agricultural show.
No, let me correct myself. There
was Just one feature of your agricul-
tural exposition that met my warm
approval. You were good enough to
take me through the section Of your
Evening star., 1926-06-13
Continued from Third Page.)


happiness of the boys at Walter Reed
that is known as the Rosalind Wood
greenhouse. Moreover. the rock-gar-
den with its jewel of a birth-path. its
vines and plants. can be revisited In
search of ones soul that has fingered
in alteration there.
If one has never seen the perennial
known as the dropwort bugloss in full
bloom, then visit to the old-faSh-
ioned garden would seem imperative.
That plant grows like a bush to a
height of four feet and is a deluge
of blue flowers-intensely blue as the
sky can deepen at times. One wants
to cut tall spikes of its heavenly blue
to place among white and pink and
saffron roses.
No, the gardener had never so en-
ployed it's enchanting loveliness. but
that was something he had yet to
master-the right combination of
colors in cut flowers. Yes, he would
try the dropwort the next time with
his cut roses. Then it was revealed
to one why he liked that gardener; it
was his humility in the presence of
his masterpiece--his garden.
ne OlQ-ldSIlOIlcu SdTuen Is ldlO out
in the shape of an open fan, a lovely
pattern, colorful and lacy enough to
please the fairest lady. The larkspur,
so blue, so sturdy; the Canterbury
bells, as English as their name: the
columbine. so made for bees delight:
the peonies. heavy headed and gor-
geous as roses; iris. with sword like
leaves of jade and crowns like orchids;
sweet williams with broad heads: pan
sizes like bits of gay velvet; snap
draSons ON long spikes; Glove pinks,
Evening star., 1926-06-13

calls his car True Love" B. kause
true love never runs smooth.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I hear great deal
Of talk about "mermaids." l don't
believe there are such things, do you?
If so, maybe you are smart enough TO
tell me where they sleep?
Sincerely,
Answer-My dear child. "mermaids."
when they are little babies, sleep in
"the cradle Of the deep" and when
they grow up ''in the bed or the
ocean,
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l bought a horse
from a man who told me the morse
could beat anything in his class. The
first race ] put him in he lost. Can
you account for that?
Yours truly,
l. NJ. NORWICH.
Answer-He was out of his class.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I have just writ
ten song The lyrics are very sad.
They are about a young man telling
how he made love to young girl and
her promise to marry him. Then, on
the day before the wedding, she tells
him she will not marry him because
she found out he didn't have any
money. Will you please give me
suitable title for my song?
Yours truly,
ART. ISTICT.
Answer-The best title for your
song according to the above descrip-
Evening star., 1926-06-13
Electric. Light" Bed.

AN electric light bed has been
n constructed and used by a Wash
ington physician. who claims that
it has given him better general health
and has apparently eliminated colds.
An ordinary bed is used. and above
it is suspended an inverted box about
Z feet long, 2 feet wide and feet deep.
This box is slung on window sash
weights, by which it can be lowered
toward the mattress. Inside the box
are s to 10 electric lights. When
retiring at night the doctor stretches
out on the mattress, nude, and allows
the lights to bath his body. A thermo-
stat, set by the sleeper before retiring.
turns off the lights when the heat
warns the bed above the set tempera-
ture, and turns them on when it gets
too cold A rheostat allows the sleeper
to turn the current to varying intenS-
tiles.
The arrangement is said to rest on
the theory that in the earlier evolu-
tionary period of man, no clothing
was used, and sunlight constantly
warmed the skin and set the blood i'll
moi ion.
Evening star., 1926-06-13
BUT WASN'T LUCKY 1T DIDN'T CO ON THE FLOOR"

did the umbrella. Then I got a taxi
marked call Invain 13000," and went
on over to Mrs. Goofnah's on 18th
Avenue.
And the party certainly was COM
plete success. The house was a little
y, and so we lit a. oil stove and
sat it near a long mirror and the mir
ror cracked. But even that / was
perfectly able to laugh off. 1t was
Mrs. Goofnah,s mirror anyways.
4 ND at last we all sat down to
lunch and helped Mabel Bush to
entertain her new maid. We was all
delighted to meet such a rarity. and
she was a cute little thing with her
hair long and her dresses short. She
was still too young for the reverse.
In fact she was real young, that
day was her birthday, and Mabel says
she hoped we didn't mind, but she
had taken the liberty to bring Il birth
day cake. and at the last course Ma
bel brought it on and there was 13
candles on il. How and the world
Mabel thought she was conner keep
the girl after that | dunno. Not. of
course. that such a thing would of
made any impression on me, | am
above All Sucn nonsense. But NdDSl
is the Superstitious kind.
Well, | had noticed the fish tasted
kinda funny. and by the time we left
the table, the rest of the ladies' was
all conscious of 1t, too. But a little
touch Of ptomaine was a mere moth.
ing compared to the other entertain.
ment ] furnished them, on account
of the house caught on fire from the
oil stove in the parlor and we hadder
get busy but all we was able to save
was trouble for the firemen. on ac-
count there was nothing left by the
time they got to the house.
Hot Bozo, Poor Mrs. Goofnah how
She did holler, and no wonder. But |
comforted her all I could There.
there. dear, I SAYS. it amt your fault,
it amt anybody's fault. you mustn't
even blame it on today being the
18th. And she says it's not the 18th,
that is what | am crying over. yes
terday was the 9Th and that was the
day our insurance expired and
would like to do the same on account
we haven't renewed 1t.
Well. that night when ! had told
George all about the perfect day, he
says. well. do YOU win the hat, do
YOU admit there is something in that
13 stuff? And / says yes. of course.
for the sake of a new hat 7 will admit
anything. But for the sake of what
goes under the hat I wish somebody
would tell me whether it's believing
thirteen does the damage that causes
the damage. or disbelieving in thir.
teen that causes it. or why does a
chicken cross the street? Please tell
me- but if you think you know the
answer you're crazy,
fCopyright 1920
Evening star., 1926-06-13
"Odd Bridge Playing and Various Other Experiences With Lu
Was It the Frenchman Named "Detour'
Who Built the Bad Roads of America?
BY ED WYNN.

D1 Eli w wv.
~ EAR Mr.. Wynn: Do you think
1t is safe for a man to shave
his face with dull razor
blade? Yours truly,
BOB BURR.
Answer-Sure I do. AS long as the
handle of the razor doesn't break, the
beard is bound to come Off
Dear Mr.. Wynn: What is your opin-
ion of married life? Don't you think
it is the happiest life? Sincerely,
MAY DEM.
Answer-It all depends on how the
two people enjoy themselves.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Yesterday tramp
came to my back door and asked for
something to eat | gave him meal
on his promise to cut my lawn. lie
ate the meal, but he ran away and
never kept his promise to cut the
lawn. What do you think Of that?
Yours truly,
i. ZEAL OEtF III.
Answer-It just goes to show that
you must never take the word of
total stranger.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 7 notice great
number of very young boys selling
newspapers on the streets. One lad
saw could not have been more than 10
wears of age, and he was carrying
about so newspapers. Wouldn't you
think they would make the poor little
fellow tired? Sincerely.
HUGH NANNY TARTAN.
Answer-Not necessarily. He prob
ably doesn't read them.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: friend Of mine,
who has just returned from a motor
trip Of 5000 miles. told me he en-
loved touring on the roads built by
Americans. / asked him what he
meant roads built by Americans"
and he said: why. Roosevelt BOule-
ward and Lincoln Highway" Then he
told me the worst roads he had to
travel over were built by a French
man. I did not want to appear igno-
rant, so did not ask him who he
meant. VIII you please tell me the
name Of the Frenchman who built the
bad roads he refers to?
Yours truly.
MAG. NEETOW.
Answer-He is referring to DE
tour"
Dear Mr.. Wynn: | saw a sign on
the back OF cheap car. and 1t was
painted with the two words True
Love- Why do you think he called
his car True Love-
Truly yours,
r. KAUSE.
Answer-That is very simple. He
Evening star., 1926-06-13

| or the provinces and to make life bear
able they get in touch with one an
other over the telephone and organ
ize bridge Journeys which lasts and
hours per setting. Now when you
plav "a to 80 hrs. of bridge per wk. you
ACQUIRE a mastery of the game which
the professional teachers amt got
time to acquire because they are too
busy abusing each other and 1t is no
wonder that Great Neck has devel-
oped at least one bridge expert Of the
feminine gender whose tactics make
| Work, Whitehead. Shepard and r. F.
C'Peaches') Foster look like kids just
! learning the rudiments of Squat Tag.
! The lady who l have reference is
none other than Mrs. Jennie Ults.
wife of Walter Ults, the child actor
| now playing the role of the traffic
policeman in "Boils." Mr.. Ults' week
| lv salary is said to run into double
figures, but just the same the SIS to
81 90 that Mrs. Ults cleans up every
week at the card table gives the Ults
kiddies advantages not enjoyed by the
children of the Ed Wynns or the
Robby Norths or families like that
where the man earns all the money
and the madam does absolutely
nothing.
Last Thursday night I experienced
the keen enjoyment of setting behind
Jennie Mrs. Ults) and observing her
play and will state that l learned more
about bridge in that one evening than
in years of competition with such self
STYLED experts (?) as Frank Crownin.
shield. Bud Fisher or Stu C'Peaches'
Johnston. Jennie's partner on this
occasion was the wife of Harpers
Ferry, the child actor now inperson
ating an umbrella in RAIN" Her op.
ponents were the wifes Of Hosea
Cough, who became famous overnight
and part Of the next day as the Bar.
Der in Barber Frietchie," and Neil
Downs the child actor who plays the
title role in Shapespeare's Henry
Ford" Mrs. Downs. Mrs. Cough and
Mrs. Ferry are all high class card
sharpers, but hardly on the level with
Jennie Ults.
1t was Jennie's first deal and the
hand she picked UP contained seven
Evening star., 1926-06-13
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

1.-TRUTHFCL SPEECH. GIVING
THE REAL THOUGHTS OF A
DISTINGUISHED GUEST AT
THE FIFTIETH ANNIVERSARY
BANQUET OF A SOCIETY.
ER. CHAIRMAN and Gentle
M men: If there is one thing |
fN abominate more than an
/ L other, it is turning out on a
hot night like this to eat
huge dinner of u courses and know
that l have to make a speech on top
of it. Gentlemen, L just feel stuffed.
BY the time we had finished that
fish | could have gone home satisfied.
That's as much as I usually eat. And
by the time had finished the rest Of
the food | was simply waterlogged.
More than that. The knowledge that
] had to make speech congratulatlng
this society of yours on its fiftieth an
niVersary haunted and racked me all
through the meal. | am not. in plain
truth, the ready and brilliant speaker
you take me for. That is pure myth.
If you could see the desperate home
scene that goes on in my family when
] am working up speech. your minds
would be at rest on that point.
I'll go further and be very frank
with YOU How this society has lived
for so years / don't know. If all
your dinners are like this Heaven help
you. I've only the vaguest idea of
what this society is. anyway, and what
1t does I tried to get constitution
this afternoon, but failed.
I am sure from some of the citizens
that I recognize around this table
there must be good business reasons
of some sort for belonging to this
society. There's money in it, mark
nv words, for some of you or you
wouldn't be here.
OF course, l quite understand that
the president and the officials seated
here beside me come merely for the
self-importance of it. That, gentle
men, is about their size. l realized
that from their talk during the ban
uuet. | don't want to speak bitterly,
but the truth Is they are small men,
and it flatters them to sit here with
two or three blue ribbons pinned on
their coats.
But, as for me, I'm done with it.
It will be so years. please Heaven,
before this event comes around again.
7 hope-I earnestly hope-that l shall
be safely under the ground.
2.-THE SPEECH THAT OUGHT TO
BE MADE BY A STATE COVER
NOR AFTER VISITING THE
FALL EXPOSITION OF AN
AGRICULTURAL SOCIETY.
Well. gentlemen, this annual Fall
Eair Of the Skedink- County. -Agricul-
Evening star., 1926-06-13

exposition called your Midway Plea
saunce. You apologized, if l remem.
ber rightly, for taking me into the
large tent of the Syrian Dancing Girls.
Oh, believe me, gentlemen, you
needn't have! Syria is a country
which commands my profoundest ad-
miration.
| Some day I mean to spend vaca-
tion there. And, believe me, gentle
| men, when l do go--and | say this
| with all the emphasis of which I am
capable-I should not wish to be ac-
companied by such a set of flatheads
as the officials of your agricultural
society.
| And now, gentlemen, as I have Just
received fake telegram, by arrange
ment, calling me back to the capital
| of the State, / must leave this ban
quet at once. One word in conclusion:
If / had known as fully as l do now
how it feels to drink half bucket
of sweet cider, I should certainly
never have come.
3.-TRUTHFUL SPEECH OF A DIS
| TRICT POLITICIAN TO A WON.
| EMS RIGHTS SOCIETY.
| Ladies': My own earnest, heartfelt
conviction is that YOU are d pack oi
Evening star., 1926-06-13

foolish of me to forget. and hung up.
Well, the morning Of the thirteenth
woke up bright and early and lay
for a minute thinking what a lovely
day it was until l remembered the
date. Then I thought. oh well. Jennie
YOU know there is nothing unlucky
about the date, don't be a fool. So |
got up and stepped right smack on
a tack. But as l pulled il out |
hadder laugh, on account wasn't |
lucky it wasn't a rattlesnake. ii
might of been. and Furthermore, l had
plenty of iodine.
SO when | was dressed | went on
down and got breakfast-just any old
thing, on account none of the family
naturally wasn't expected to eat
much on the day l was having COM
pany. we'll anyways | got some hot
cereal ready and I was bringing 1t
into the dining room, when What
would | stumble over only some per
fectly strange black cat that had
sneaked in. OF course. ] dropped
the red hot cereal. but wasn't I lucky
it didn't go on the floor, it went right
in Georges lap, And that certainly
taught me a lesson, it taught me a
lesson in fancy language. anyways.
suppose maybe a superStltlouS
person would of thought the date had
| something to do with that, but not
me. | merely says to myself, now
Jennie, keep that thought out of your
mind YOU know it's foolish. And
got concentrating on not thinking
about the thirteenth so hard, that
kinda forgot for a moment where L
was washing dishes, and let the hot
water run on my hand. instead of
onto a teacup I was rinsing.
Well, when l had my hand band
aced up good. the girl that was conner
stay home and look after Juniors din
ner while 1 give the party over to
Mrs. Goofnah's, come to work, and
she hadn't hardly got in the house
then l had a fight with her, but it
wasn't because of it being the thir-
teenth, no such ridiculous supersti-
tiousness. 1t was because we spilled
the salt. as least she threw the salt
at me and l didn't catch 1t in time.
But l couldn't say a word to her. l
hadder so dress.
X X X X
RUT someways or another, l couldn't
~ dress in a hurry, nothing seemed
to go just right. I put my feet In the
wrong shoes, my dress on wrong side
| foremost, and dropped the scissors.
which any person who believed in bad
luck might of worried over. but not
me. l don't pay no attention to such
things. l paid so little attention, in
fact, and concentrated so hard on
paying no attention that / pretty near
killed myself humping my head on a
open bureau drawer when l picked
the scissors up.
And as I seen stars | says to my
self, determinedly. now Jennie, Just
Evening star., 1926-06-13

were everywhere for the pleasure of
a group of nurses who were to he
entertained there that afternoon. OF
a certainty, no florist could have fur
nished anything lovelier than those
vases held. That big reception room
seemed bower of fragrant blooms.
1t is small wonder that those who
see the gardens and hear the story of
their gradual development through
the donations of those in a position to
contribute wish sincerely that they
had supplies of growing things that
could be added to the gardens. All
such gifts are eagerly received and
gratefully accepted. 1t is an oppor-
tunity to give joy to those from the
ranks who are i'll or disabled. At the
present time from 40 to so. per cent of
the patients In hospital at Walter
ReG6 axe veterans of the World Wax,
Evening star., 1926-06-13
BY RING LARDNER.

"O THE editor: l don't want to
have to get into no argument
with no auction bridge author
i ity as they have already got
all they can tend to quarrelinG
amongst themselfs. but it seems to me
like they amt none of them but what
is way behind the times in regards to
the possibilities of the game or even
scratched the surface of same as far
as the real inside strategical points is
concerned
This little settlement of Great Neck
where I live is a kind of a hot bed for
the theatrical profession and while
the population contains some female
actors. the most of them is males and
the result is that many an evening the
house wifes of the town is bereft of
their husbands who are acting in NY.
Evening star., 1926-06-13

tom would be she Looked Me Up in
Bradstreet's-Now I'm Dun
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am a woman 40
years of age and weigh 207 pounds. /
asked an artist what he would take to
paint my picture. and he said a bucket
Evening star., 1926-06-13

of mud and a broom. What do you
know about that?
Yours truly.
G.. EYEMAD.
AnsWer-Next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
(Copyright 1g26t
Evening star., 1926-06-13

diamonds with the four top honors
the ace of clubs, the ace. king, queen
of spades and no hearts. There were
only 12 cards in the hand, but she is
the kind that likes to play against
Evening star., 1926-06-13

odds. A little to my surprise her
opening bid was one heart and she re-
piled to my whispered query as to the
reasons for this by whispering back
that such bid was more than likely
Evening star., 1926-06-13

1.-TRUTHFCL SPEECH. GIVING
THE REAL THOUGHTS OF A
DISTINGUISHED GUEST AT
THE F'IFTIE,TH ANNIVERSARY
BANQUET OF A SOCIETY.
Evening star., 1926-06-13

ORD NELSON, the one who in.
vented the seasicll remedy
said with his last words
IL Don't give up the ship.
And when he says them
, 1926-03-18
NEWS ITEM.

The following is quoted from a mes
sage received by His Excellency. the
Governor, from the Secretary of the
Navy:
There are forwarded by mail ten
copies Of bill H. R. 1926 introduced
March 18th by Chairman Kiess, which
supersedes Bacon bill H. R. 1896,
add presumably expresses committees
views on subject. Kiess bill provides
among other things: Federal Govern
ment may reserve property within one
year;Oficers appointed by Governor may
he civilians or army or navy service Off
GERS; Preasurer's bond to be approved
by Bureau Of InsuIar Affairs; munich
pal councils to consist of five and sew
en- members instead of seven and nine
respectively; executive officers APP
pointed by Governor subject to APP.
proval of Bureau of InsuIar Affairs
instead of confirmation of councils;
citizenship and comprehensive natur-
alization.
, 1926-03-18
u. S. NAVAL RADIO STATION
CHRISTIANSTED, ST. CROIX,
nth MARCH 1926.

Courtesy of the Associated Pr088.)
Washington. The Senate s%ub-commit-
tee, in settling the Brookhart, Repub-
lican, Iowa, sena orial contest, has re-
ported formally to full committee that
Daniel F. Steck, Democratic. Okla,
mad received plurality of votes over
Senator Brookhart, Republican, and
should be seated.
Washington.-The first big piece Of
radio commercial legislation to receive
approval of either branch of Congress
was passed yesterday by the House ana
Senate. 1t was embodied in White bill
designed to create a Federal Radio Com