davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-10-10
By Donald Ogden Stewart

said Mr.. Hunter. Its little more
fashionable
"All right 1 agreed. single but.
ton"
"And a white vest?"
YES" I replied, "a white vest"
'I was married in a white vest"
said Mr.. Hunter.
"All right" I said. "a dark vest.
then"
"It won't make much difference in
the long rum" said Mr.. Hunter. and
then he added, has your fiancee
good teeth"
That's another thing" said the
Tailor.
Twenty seven" said Mr.. Hunter.
Twenty seven" repeated the Tailor.
There's a dentist in South Bend"
said the Tailor, after a minute. who
was supported by my wife's teeth"
What was IT." asked, "a vaude.
Vile act?'
The Tailor did not answer.
Fifteen hundred dollars for bridge
work alone" he sighed.
Il know" said Mr.. Hunter. when
Mrs. Hunter went away" and he
stopped.
WHAT" 7 asked.
II would rather not say" replied
Mr. Hunter. And then he added,
Would you mind stepping up on
this stool?'
7 STEPPED up.
Twenty -nine," said Mr.. Hunter.
and the Tailor repeated, Twenty
nine"
"A church wedding. suppose" re-
marked Mr.. Hunter.
"Yes," l replied.
'Episcopal?" asked the Tailor.
Yes
That's good" said Mr.. Hunter.
"Are YOU an Episcopalian?" I
asked.
"Oh. no." he replied.
'Afr. Hunter Is an atheist" ex-
planned the Tailor.
will you have silk linings?" asked
Mr.. Hunter.
Only to the coat and vest," I
replied.
Naturally" said the Tailor. as he
made a notation. land where will you
live after your marriage?"
New York, probably" I answered.
'Oh, dear!' said Mr.. Hunter.
whats the matter?" asked.
Don't you like New York?'
IL 8 very OllHCulC 10 get divorce
in New York" explained Mr.. Hunter.
And suppose I'm not thinking
about getting a dvorce?" I re-
marked
Mr.. Hunter smiled.
Now step down, please" he said.
stepped down.
II wouldn't do It," said Mr.. Hunter.
little sadly.
Wouldn't do what?" asked,
belligerently.
II wouldn't have silk Innings" said
Evening star., 1926-10-10
GROSS EXAGGERATIONS- In the Dumb w alter - "Sucl

Mr.. Feitlebaum--Mmmm Swift
hott--Nize baby.
S!'tDtt"----
Chorus--Yi vi VII! Whooy. Phooy..
Dolby woids..! A coiser. BY Feitle
baum-noo--noo.! Looy's brodder!.
Swerring! Moo! A lengwidge!! Goot
pye-good pye-goot hefternoon-
goot pye-mm--goot pyeM!
Looy--HA HA HA!. A bright Bill
liken at datm Well. drop around to-
morrow, people, an write yer name
on a. card an he'll guess fila HA
Hall
Mr.. Feitlebaum-(BANG GRASH'D
--Fullish rimocks, ha?? BANG!0
Dolby lengwidge you'll itch de baby
ha?? ORASH!D Hnl--doidy woids!.
Hmmm--Il geeve you--
Looy--'At's all--Im troo! He can't
sock me witt no baby crib! I'm troo!!
I'll join de Foreign I+egionM!
Baby-HLGYTMBL
Mr.. and Mrs. Feitlebaunl--Yi VI
YIN
Pot Tree.
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Condoo Con.
doctor! Wait a minute" STOPM
Geeve a leestcn pipple--it spicks de
baby a henimalM.
(Copyright, l9o6.l
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Miss McMein recounted the difficult
ties OF her early career. 1 forget just
what she did say. She overcame
them some way or other and today
her cover charge Is $500. The
friendship begun at that time ripened
into something grotesque and right
now there is a saying along Broad
way that wherever you f1nd Neysa
McMein, Ring Lardner is probably
home working.
One of the rules in 1.-The Rabies
Office provided that members of the
sporting department get weighed
every day before reporting for work
and IL they weighed over 135 pounds
stripped las most of them usually
were), they would have to go into
some other department. This was in
the days prior to prohibition and
was drinking a great deal OF water,
with the result that one afternoon /
tipped the beam at 14l.
Editors note: There was also a
rule against tipping the beam.)
Oatmeal Haney" was loath to let
me go and when / was ordered to re-
port to the city editor, he made q
scene. which he afterwards tried to
sell to the Follies.
The city editor. Tom Bilgewater.
Evening star., 1926-10-10

CONTRARY TO general popular
~ opinion, frequent doses Of quinine
when you go to the seaside or any
place where mosquitoes congregate
will not ward off malaria. This is one
of the interesting facts about malaria
that have been established as a result
Of attempts in insane hospitals in the
United Kingdom to cure paralysis of
the insane by intercurrent action Of
malaria.
Artificially induced, malarial fever
is one Of the most modern methods Of
treating paralysis and insanity, though
the curative effect of fevers on mental
disorders was known to such ancient
healers as Hippocrates and Galen.
While cures have been effected in from
20 to 80 per cent of the cases so treat
ed and intermediate results have been
obtained in others, the medical world
has become much more interested in
the disease being used as the curative
agent.
1t has been possible to learn several
things about malaria wnen it is in
duced artificially and is observable
from start to finish under laboratory
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Mr.. Feitlebaum--AHA.Y You here al
rady. ha. dope? SO Is messing in de
book a jeckesS wot we nidding poifect
ly dere you fullish faZe,!
Jsidore--Ia, ha--that's fuddy baba..
Looy--Lsten, ponyface, you'll tink
a good hop is funny too--if---
Mr.. Feitlebaum--Aha! Is here al.
rady de convention from dopes. ha?
tSMACk) Wot l got to geeve you
penniz tSMACk) you should buy
chuck (SMACK) you should make on
de Sitewuk witt chuck chuckmocks,
ha? (SMACK) 1t should complain
me ulso dc jenitor irregodless
(SMACK) from de knockers wot it
reeps de knizz, ha (SMACK). Nize
baby, so geeve in de book a iook---so
wot's dees???
aby--F1ghZXqpk"
Mr. and Mrs. Feitlebaum--Yi vi yi"!
4 heepopontamus he spicks-hm--yi
vi yi-Mowriss, it'll he de baby a
loyyer is, no??
Mr.. Feitlehaum--Hm.-A loyyer!!
A horrortor he'll be"-woister Twin
from Petrick Harry!
Mrs Feitlebaum-Meesus Yifnif--
MeesuS Yifnif--oohoo.!! Meesus----
Third F1oor-Yi vi vi. Wot !s?? A
heXident??
Evening star., 1926-10-10

"All right" said the Tailor. The
end of the week"
Mr.. Hunter spoke.
Wasn't that Frederick Johnson
who just passed." he said.
Yes" replied the Tailor.
THAT was too bad about his wife,"
said Mr.. Hunter.
The Tailor shrugged.
1T was to be expected" he said
Yes" said Mr.. Hunter. 1T was
to be expected"
AT the door l turned.
Saturday morning" said.
"ahout H."
Saturday morning about II will
do very nicely" said the Tailor.
Good day. Mr.. Stewart-and thank
you very much"
Good day" ] answered. Good
day. MIR. Hunter"
Good day" said Mr.. Hunter.
AS / reached the street 1t slowly
began to rain.
tCoDyright faCR)
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Second F'loor.-Dun't esk" 1t spicks
de baby! Comm uvver!!
Third F1oor-Yi vi vi! I1engwidge
he spicks. Hm-mmmm. Tsigmund:
Muttimer.! Movvin.!! Geeve a leesten
it spicks by de F'eitlebaums de baby
vi yi---
Second F1oor--Meesus Meetzikl-
Meesus MeetzikM You deednt hoid??
Dun't esk.. 1t spicks de baby!
First Floor-Yi vi vi. From wot
he spicks??
Second Floor-From de hone wolf.
ton he spicks:! Comm opp.
Mr.. Feitlebaum---So 1 say--hollo.
hollo-say, gat huff from de wire--so
1 say. Wot's dees?? SO he saz me a
HAPEi" Tell Mex he should come
too witt Soil witt Mendel. Hollo
peYator.L-Monninksit hate fife
no no! Hollo--Yentlec Yentle, 1t
spicks dc baby:!! Comm OPP!
Looy-Don't fergit Coolidge, Ford,
Edison an 'Firestone.: Ila ha!! Dat
poor Billiken Is sure in fer a session
dis afternoon. Ha. hal he won't need
no book to reel off q menagerie-he
won't Ha ha.!
Baby--BnyltyX.,
Mr. and Mrs. Feitlebaum--Yi vi vi
"a Zibbra.! HapeS. Cantelopes.!
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Heepopontamosses!: ZIBBRAS:. vi
III yi''
Pot Two.
Mr. Teitlebaum--Hn--s geeve a
leesten rippleM You'll hear it pro-
nounces de baby lengwtdge!! Ohoo.
nize baby, SO geeve in de book a look
so say do pipple dees henimal---
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Heh heh--a trifle
beshful" Heb heh-nOo. dollink-so
comm---Hay stends for
lSlDy-~-.
Mr.. Feitlebaum-Noo. NOO???
Isidore-He aidt sayig dothig. baba:.
Mr.. F'eitlebaum--&SMACK). HIM
dees monnink he sad
Looy--Ha ha! Shure. he sang
"Mudder MacCree" an walked tight
rope too! Dis is ricf---a chip off de
old blockhead.! Ha ha--point to de
baboon an he'll say uncle.!
Mrs. Feitlebaum-Looy. Looy.!
Mr.. Feitlebaum--Noo, DOL
L1NK!M??
LSloS-~
Mr.. Feitlebaum-So say alrady~---
Mr.. Feitlebaum--BABY
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Electric Plane.
lust as the hand-saw and other shop

TUST as the hand-saw and other shop
tools have been adapted for motor
operation, so now inventive genius has
electrified the wood plane. too.
England has just introduced such a
motor driven hand plane, in which the
ordinary fixed steel plane is replaced
by rotary steel cutter says Popular
Science Monthly. This cutter is
driven. through the medium Of suit
able pinions, by a motor built to ope.
rate on either direct or alternating
current.
The cutter. nearly 5 inches wide,
is designed to rough plane even the
hardest woods. On beech or oak II
easily produces a cut II inch deep
with q rapid forward movement. To
insure straight guidance. the rear
part Of the machine. which rests on
The already planed wood. is kept
always on an exact level with the
rotary cutter. while the elevation of
the forward part can be adjusted to
limit the depth of cut.
Evening star., 1926-10-10
THE OTHER DAY -

"H HE other day happened to go
to a Tailor Shop.
Il am going to get married"
L began.
so many marriages turn
out badly these days, don't they?"
said the Tailor
MY marriage is going to be differ
ent," said.
II hope So" said the Tailor. and he
shook his head sadly. II certainly
hope So"
well: anyway" continued, II
would like to order a cut-away."
How old are you?" asked the
Tailor.
"Thirty-one." replied. but will
probably take a thirty five year-old
cutaway. / have always been large
for my age" I added.
"Thirty-one." unused the Tailor.
''Well. WE'LL"
I'VE stood there for a minute in
silence.
why don't you waltz" said the
Tailor. at last.
For my cutaway?" l asked.
NO" he replied. "why don't YOU
wait until you are older before get.
ting married?"
II came in here" said, not with.
out some impatience, ito get clothes
not advice.
The Tailor shook his head and
walked to the back Of the shop.
"Mr. Hunter" he called.
After few moments Mr.. Hunter
appeared. FIe was in his vest and
shirt sleeves and carried a tape meas
40
This gentleman is going to get
married." explained the Tailor.
Dear me-" exclaimed Mr. Hunter.
Mr.. Hunter" said the Tailor to me.
"has had a very unfortunate married
life"
II would like a cutaway," said.
Certainly" said the Tailor, and to
Mr.. Hunter he remarked. THE gentle
man wants a cutaway."
Mr.. Hunter nodded took the tape
measure slowly from his neck. and be.
gan mechanically to put It around my
waist.
"Thirty-four," said Mr.. Hunter
Thirty-four." repeated the Tailor.
I'VE were very happy together"
said Mr.. Hunter--and then he added,
Twelve and a half"
Twelve and a half" repeated the
Tailor.
They change" said Mr. Hunter.
They change" repeated the Tailor
Waist lines?" / asked.
Women" replied Mr.. Hunter.
I'm being measured for a suit Of
Clothes" l remarked. mot u woman"
Nevertheless" said Mr.. Hunter.
they change"
"Nonsens"." said, "everything
changes. That's life"
Eighteen and n quarter" said Mr..
Evening star., 1926-10-10
TwO-HOur Bread.
OUR grandmothers used to let their

nUR grandmothers used to let their
bread rise overnight. Modern bak.
cries. however, have speeded up the
process, and now the invention Of a
new mixing machine makes II possible
to bake bread 40 minutes after mixing
the flour with water.
The department OF milling industry
of the Kansas State Agricultural Col
lege invented the machine, says Popu-
lar Science Monthly. 1t is said to
break down the gluten in the dough;
in fact, to do the same thing ordinarily
done by fermentation. The mixing
takes only seven minutes. SO counting
the time for baking. 1t may now be
possible to make bread in less than
two hours.
The texture Of the finished bread II
said to be as good as that in which tho
dough has been allowed to rise for
several hours.
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Mr.. Hunter. Its just a little
fiashy.''
"Oh," I replied, II thought you
were going to say that you wouldn't
get married If you were me-"
Mr.. Hunter put the tape measure
once more over his shoulders and
gazed out Of the large front window
at the various people passing along
the street.
Were in for little rain. think" :"
he remarked.
The Tailor also looked through the
window.
When can you come in for a
fitting. Mr.. Johnson" he asked.
MY name isn't Johnson" I said.
Its Stewart"
The Tailor bowed slightly to an ac-
quaintance who was passing.
when can you come in for a At
ting, Mr.. Stewart" he asked.
"The end OF the week." I
suggested.
The Tailor looked at Mr.. Hunter.
Mr.. Hunter nodded.
Evening star., 1926-10-10
BY RING LARDNER.
CHAPTER Is of Autobiography.

Id VA
IN 1900 I turned over my medical
practice to a bystander and went
to work as a sport writer on
i The Rabies, one OF the first of
the so-called tabloid newspapers.
This was long before the tabloids be-
came so painfully reticent and digni-
fed, and the editors of the various
departments were annually selected
from the graduating class of the Okla
homa School of OATS. The sporting
editor under whom I worked was an
unrecognized cousin Of Will Rogers.
named Haney Thwack. He had been
sent to the school to be cured Of
penchant for oatmeal and was given
his diploma in spite of the very obvi.
GUS fact that the cure was nowhere
near complete. In fact. the first day
I reported at his desk, I found the
same covered with receptacles of all
kinds filled with the pompous cereal
In different stages Of preparation.
Oatmeal Haney" was what the boys
called him behind his back, and once
or twice he overheard and just smiled.
There was no offending Oatmeal
Haney."
Editors note: Unless you deprived
him Of the cereal.)
authors note: That Is understood.)
Lardner,' he said to me, there's
coming golf champion down in
Georgia named Bobby Jones. He is
now a year old, or will be in a few
years. I want you to get a picture
of him in the bathtub and a good
human nature, personality interview"
But, Mr.. Thwack," demonstrated.
'how can I get an interview with a
man that age? Why, 1 don't suppose
ha ran oven talk nlain ~
Age makes no difference with most
Georgians," replied my superior, test.
ing the cereal with his knee.
Bobby was splashing at great rate
when I was admitted
What are you doing, Mr.. Jones?"
was my first question.
Me take bafr." he lisped. "Me no
lika baff. Minis me of a water
Evening star., 1926-10-10
"Albatross" Glider.

A NEW type of glider. or motorless
airplane. Is under construction In
Berlin. 1t is intended to initiate as
closely as possible the structure and
soaring action of large birds, such as
the albatross. and has az one of It's
patented features joints In it's wings.
which permit radical changes In the
positions of the outer half of their
length. 1t will be much larger than
the earlier gliders. comparing In size
with the average motored monoplane,
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Clothes From Grass.

THE secret Of turning tropical
grasses and other fibrous sub
stances into clothes to wear Is be-
lieved to have been solved by DR..
Dinshaw Nanji Of Birmingham Uni
versity, says Science Magazine.
Chemical processes are said to have
been perfected for separating the
fibers from the raw materials and
preparing them for spinning. The
fabrics. If commercially successful,
may take the place Of cotton in the
regions where large supplies of
grasses are available. 1t Is thought
that new and interesting materials
may be developed for wearing apparel
and for other uses.
Evening star., 1926-10-10
It was comical to hear him.
Editors note: Was it?)


Editors note: Was it0
How are you getting along with
your golf?" 1 asked.
"Ah is jes' tryin' TO mastah the
spoon" he said "Dis mo'nin' at
bretfus All used 1t fo' de fustes' time
an'-an'-the laughed at the memory
All split evahthing."
The youngster posed for flashlights,
with the stopper out. with the stop
per in. with the tub full and with
the tub empty. Oatmeal Haney"
congratulated me on my handling Of
the assignment. and I was sent to in
terview Neysa McMein.
Miss McMein proved an interesting
talker, once you could understand her
dialect, as different from the Jones
boys as couple of eight notes.
1 asked her where she had got the
idea Of drawing covers.
"Me getty idee from OF Mis- Puk-
kins," she said. ''Ol Mis- Pukkins.
she use draw covers fo' de big hotel
in Quincy, Illinois. Soon as de gues'
leave dere room in de mo'nin', she
draw all dc covers and let T. beds
air."
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Cancer From Air Lack.

CANCER is not the result Of germ.
~ declares Prof. Otto Warburg of
the Kaiser Institute. Instead, 1t is the
consequence Of strangulation of the
body cells, which results when their
normal supply Of oxygen is cut off.
When this happens, the cells burn
the sugar Of the blood into carbon and
water, according to the German SCI
enlist. and though most of the cells
then die, some of them live and turn
the sugar into Tactic acid, causing an
abnormal growth.
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Pictures of Some Coming Celebrities
May Be Obtained at the Earliest Age

regarded me at first wonderingly, then
tenderly.
We'll" he said. when he had re-
gained the use Of his voice, ''you are
a very likely looking fellow
Editors note: Bilgewater was
known among his intimates as Blind"
Bilgewater)
authors note: You have him con.
fused with some other Bilgewater.
This Bilgewater was known as Keen
Eye" Bilgewater.)
(Wife's note: Dinner is ready.)
CTO be continued)
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Our Stock Exchange From Without In;
Or, Where Does Its Language Leave You?

prize pup" and up goes the exchange
again; hogs, -four, and rubber all ris-
ing together.
On the whole. don't believe I'd
care to be broker 1t must be very
wearing.
Sometimes now and then find that
one can turn an exchange quotation
into quite little romance, or parable.
For example, I often notice in the
market reports the heading Dressed
Hogs are Dull" When I see it, I
feel like saying 'They certainly are"
(Copyright 1926.)
Evening star., 1926-10-10

what are they wearing?" I asked.
well" replied the Tailor. that de.
pends. For funerals-''
"This is for a wedding" 7 inter.
rupted.
For funerals and weddings" con-
tinued the Tailor. "either the single
or double button is correct
II would suggest a single button
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Children Speak Intuitively.

Children understand spoken IAN
guage by intuition, by a function of
the subconscious mind, and not direct
ly by reasoning power and memoriz-
ing. declares British physician, DIR.
J. w. Tomb. DIR. Tomb has had op-
portunities of observing English chill
dren in India pick up three Indian
vernaculars in addition to the English
language, while their parents struggle
to master even one dialect.
Evening star., 1926-10-10

10000 riff.raffs against the French!
The whole exchange collapses, the
brokers lying on the floor gasping!
That's the odd thing about 1.-THE
far-away people and events that seem
to hit the exchange a terrible blow
in the stomach. News comes that the
Shah Of Persia has told the Ameer Of
Afganistan that he Is pup! The
exchange breaks at once. Minneap'
oils flour falls three cents and lima
beans are unusable.
News is cabled from England, how.
ever, that by pup" the Shah meant
Evening star., 1926-10-10
II can't guess, / replied.

Il can't guess" I replied.
'Over $4,000 a year. said the Tailor,
(which is enough to keep a standing
army supplied with ammunition and
food for 13 days and nights"
"Well," / said. "would you rather
support q standing army than your
wife,"
Yes" replied the Tailor.
"a standing army" remarked Mr..
Hunter. does not get hay fever
Did your wife have hay fever?" ]
asked.
II would rather not talk about it,"
said Mr.. Hunter.
do you want single or double
button coat?" asked the Tailor.
Evening star., 1926-10-10

with a general feeling of uneasiness." !"
Why? Then it appears that steel falls
I cent. or paramata coconuts decline
six points, and at once the whole ex
change Is in confusion. Then. by
Heavens own good like. hogs advance
five cents on the hoof, and the eX.
change reacts sharply.
There is q general buoyancy." ap-
parently a sort Of Whoopit-up feeling
that carries everybody with 1t till
lunch hour. But alas. just after
lunch comes by cable the news that
Abd-el. Krim has enlisted another
Evening star., 1926-10-10

"Ah. If one could only be sure" he
sighed.
"Mrs. Hunter" said Mr. Hunter.
'or. rather. the former Mrs. Hunter,
to the day Of our marriage"
my wife, said the Tailor, "or
rather. the woman who was formerly
my wife, cost me-guess how much
in doctors bills alone?"
Evening star., 1926-10-10
By MITT GROSS.

M oohoo. nize baby--oo-
IV hooooo-t tIn-Look from
i henimals a book. SO geeve
in de book a look SO tell
poppa wot it stends dere de henimal---
af--ah----
Bahy-Squshlzzrrlx"
Mr.. Feitlebaum--Yi vi vi. A HAPE
he spuck! A tIape... ii yi-geeve a
look de book. momma--look de peec-
ture'. Is a hape. no?? So ! say.
''Raby. dollink. wot's dees??" So he
saz me. "A hape" Look It stends:
''Haye stends for hape
NVot he leeves in de triz2
When he nidds a gless meelk
He'll a cuccanot squizZe.'
Is no.? VI Vi II Hm-nize baby
% geeve a look de book. SO wot's
deeS?. Ah--ah--ah-
Bahy--Blrrxzhb..
Mrs. Feitlebaum-Yi VI Vi, a cam
telope he idantihed.. Vi yi-it spicks
de baby hapes witt cantelopes...''
Looy---Well. we'll. de monkey talks,
Fla ha, Why doncha do a ventrilo-
quist ACT on the stage wild i'm.
pop? Ha ha-'at's 4. notion. Pro
fessore Feitlehaum an'---
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Hunting Typhoid.

L cording to a South American ply
sic!an. are not susceptible to typhoid.
and he Is trying to find out how
those who are susceptible may be
discovered. SO they may be inoculated
beforehand and made immune.
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Hunter. and then he added, "Have you
known the lady long?"
Three months" replied.
Mr.. Hunter sighed.
That's very short time" he re.
marked.
"a very short time" echoed the
Tailor.
'Do you want pockets?" asked Mr..
Hunter
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Yes" replied.
"Inside?"
"Yes.
do you want children?" asked the
Tailor
"Where?" I asked.
"In your home" replied the Tailor.
"Of course" replied. "and want
the pockets in the cutaway."
Children are very noisy" said
Evening star., 1926-10-10
Natural.

II always find that hen roosting on
the mail l-box."
Sure. It was Matched from Q
parcel post egg"
Evening star., 1926-10-10
ReVerSeS.

The hunter had but little luck,
For he was out to shoot a buck.
He shot O farmers COW instead:
Worth so bucks" the farmer said.
Evening star., 1926-10-10

Mr.. Hunter. You will get very tired
Of them"
How about hip pockets?" asked
the Tailor.
"One." I replied. ION my hip"
Eleven" said Mr.. Hunter.
"One." repeated.
Eleven" said Mr.. Hunter.
"Wait a minute" and he measured
again Eleven and a quarter"
Eleven and a quarter" repeated
the Tailor.
us your fianeee in good health?"
asked Mr.. Hunter.
Yes replied.
Are you sure?" asked Mr.. Hunter.
The Tailor shook his head.