davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-04-11
BY RING LARDNER.

| o the Editor: Next wk. will
try and say a few wds. in
regards to our experiences
amongst the dumb animals
of Hollywood, Calf, but to-
day will devote myself to a brief acct.
of other things l seen and heard and
done during a recent visit to Los
Angeles, Pasadena and environment
Well, we picked out a hotel In Pasa-
dena to stop at and found 1t q wonder
hotel with the genial mgr. taking
grand care of our little party and he
was a classmate of John V. A.
Weaver's at Hamilton college OF
whom the other alumni of same Is
Alexander Woollcott. The first few
times we went sight seen we bor-
rowed a car off Of the hotel and
drove to Hollywood or Los Angeles
or wherever we was going and then
made the mistake Of dismissing that
equipage and depending on Los
Angeles taxi to get us back home.
Well, 1t seems that though Los An
Eeles and Pasadena is only miles
apart and has been that way for
yrs, the whereabouts of Pasadena
Is a. baffling misery to Los Angeles
taxi drivers and as for our hotel,
why you might as well ask them to
find q mustache cup in one Of Miss
Spence's dormitories.
The hotel has got a tower that
reeks with bright lights, but trying
to get a Los Angeles taxi man to
see it is like asking a blind caddy
to look for one of Rube Goldberg's
tee shots. The results of this was
that vile we was paying for rms.
at the hotel we slept in Los Angeles
taxis which when you stick grown
ups in the tonneau of same. they
amt no danger of nobody falling
out of bed.
One day I sat out from the hotel
alone except for a driver from Pasa.
dDna whose old lady never had to
bother about christening him as they
was no way in the world you could
stop everybody from calling him Red.
Red was a married man and didn't
get no chance to talk at home so
found out that the big place upon
that hill was the so and so school
which was a Free Methodist institu-
xspn and / asked Red what was the
difference between a Free Methodist
and a leashed Methodist and he said
>the Free Methodists was a lot more
heretical and wore cotton stockings.
lie said that place up on the next
hill was the new Los Angeles Jail
and it would be q big success as a
jail pnsy. Tor. .the fact that you could
Evening star., 1926-04-11

men are bald headed?
49, Yours truly,
DAN DRUFF.
Answer: Men lose half their hair
worrying IL their sweetheart will
marry them. After they are married
they pull out the other half worry.
ing how to get divorce.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Some time ago
wrote you for an answer for the fol-
lowing example: "If coal Is $40 a ton
how many tons would I get for $50?"
Your answer said would get four
tons. Why did you say that, when 1t
isn't right?
Yours truly,
CON. SUE. MERR.
Answer: You asked me IL coal was
$40 a ton and you gave the coal
man $50. how many tons would you
get? l said you'd get four tons. I
know it isn't right. but that's what
you'd get.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: There is q man
living next door to me who is very
lazy. In fact, he let's his wife sup
port him by taking in washing.
Shouldn't he be ashamed to let his
wife support him in that way?
Sincerely,
ALEC. TR1CKIRON.
Answer: I wouldn't blame the
husband so much If I were you.
Maybe his wife is ignorant and
can't earn a living any other way.
Dear Mr. Wynn: Is It possible for
the Government to stop suicides?
Yours truly.
I. TRIEDIT.
Answer: The only way for the
Government to stop people from
committing suicide Is for the Gov
ernment to pass a law making 1t
capital crime. punishable by death.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: A friend of mine
told me he could not join our motor
party last Sunday because his
wooden leg panied him. How could
that possibly be?
Truly yours.
ART. E. FISHEL.
Answer: His wife most likely hit
him In the head with 1t.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: How is It that
in some apartment houses YOU will
find when they live above the sixth
floor married couples haven't any
children? Yours truly,
MISS SHONARY.
Answer: That only happens in
apartment houses without elevators.
Evening star., 1926-04-11

about how It would feel to be married
to a great man. and l realized where
being that was really nothing new
In the world. It wasn't invented by
Mr.. and Mrs. John Henry Smathers
by any means.
Take, for a sample, Mrs. Julius A.
Caesar. Now there was a woman
who must have had her hands full.
Caesar, being the prominent citizen
that he was, undoubtedly went out
nights a lot, and when I thought of
her putting the studs in his dress-toga,
finding the button to his laurelwreath.
and keeping his patent leather sandals
properly vaselined, my sympathy GER
tainly went out to her.
Even his business suits must Of been
terrible bother, on account julie
not only mixed a lot in local politics.
but his business was war, and that
was in the days before they invented
these practical, khaki, fighting cos
tunes. When Julius went into ac-
ton he done so in a snappy two-piece
model with a white plated skirt and a
jumper, or long-waisted over-blouse
Of hand-etched steel that hadder be
kept polished with steel wool every
morning.
OF course Mrs. J. Caesar got q lot
Of time to herself while he was away.
subdividing Gaul into three parts, so
#. lots ten dollars down and three yrs.
to pay, and etc. But even when he
was off inventing Great Britain, or
something. she undoubtedly hadder do
q lot of entertaining to keep in with
the senator's wives, and it sure was
a strenuous social life in them days,
on account 1t was very important to
get your invitations to a social gath
ering out first, before your rival did,
because the first one to get the in
vitatiof1s out was the one who got
the chance to put the poison in the
banana punch.
THEN Just think of being married
to King Arthur Of England! His
wife didn't have any cinch. neither.
I am referring to the boy who was
the originator of the Rotary Club
idea, the one who had the round ta.
BILE. Believe you me, Gunnivere, which
I believe that was Mrs. King Arthur's
maiden name, well, anyways, she had
some entertaining to do. I mean Art
kept practically open house. with the
Round Table all set for never less
than twelve and often few extra
dropping in unexpected.
And what the boys ate in them days
was a plenty. 1t wasn't any case of
a ordinary business mans lunch, with
Just sandwich, coffee and slice Of
pie. or bowl of crackers and milk,
thank you! No sir! When the boys
Of the Round Table Luncheon Club
dropped in for a snack they would
each take a coupla roast hams, half
a elk, a outsize cheese and thirty-six
hot rolls or so and still find room for
dainty snack of baked pig for des-
sert. AS for what they drank to
wash this down, well, II prior to pro-
Evening star., 1926-04-11
F1umOrist Poses With Lion in California
And Learns About Easy Jail Deliveries

Charleston that made everybody
else's Charleston seem like a. slow.
motion picture of Gibraltar during
Lent. In the free-for-all dancing the
floor was so crowded that the or
chestra could play whole number
without nobody getting no further
than as If they was Yale on the
other sides yd. line. The feature
Of the evening was a. amateur dane
ing contest in which the contestants
was anonymous and the announcer
finely announced that the winner was
the lady with the low back which
left us in the dark as from where
we set the backs Of all the entries
male and female appeared to be in
the same general location as regards
the rest Of their torso.
We went one day to visit a lion
farm where lions is raised and trained
Evening star., 1926-04-11
the horse out. Just wait minute
before starting him.

the horse out. Just wait a minute
before starting him.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: There Is an old
saying, Two wrongs never make
one right" Is 1t also true that 1.-TWO
rights never make one wrong"
Yours truly.
BE KAREFUL.
Answer: 1t Is not true. Here is
one example of it. Say you buy a
pair of shoes and when you get
home you find you have two rights
That. of course, would not make one
wrong.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I have trouble in
keeping my silverware clean. They
say that whisky Is the best polisher
Of silver. How is it used?
Sincerely,
INA HOUSEKEEPER.
Answer: Just drink the whisky,
then blow on the silver.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: They say that
every President Of the United States
has a private college yell. If this is
true what is President Coolidge's col
lege yell? Yours truly,
CAL. EDGE JR.
Answer: "Silence."
Dear Mr.. Wynn: just heard of a
Evening star., 1926-04-11

Well. the next pit. Of interest we
past was a place that Red said was
Juvenile Hall and very popular
place and l thought he meant It was
dance hall, but he said it was q
house of correction for young people.
We had dinner at hotel In Los
Angeles on what they called College
Night probably because Jack Kearns
Nora Bayes, Bessie Love, Buster Col.
lier and myself was amongst the
guestA Miss Love done q exhibition
Evening star., 1926-04-11
A New Instrument.

AN "Orpheus violin" is a new in
strument that was recently ex-
hibited in Paris. Music for the violin,
alto and cello can be played on it.
Air forced by an electric blower is
emitted from So openings, and the
sounds, it is said, have peculiarly
rich timbre.
Evening star., 1926-04-11
Artificial Fogs.

4 RTIFICIAL fogs, developed for
military purposes by Scandi-
navian scientist. are being put to
peace-time use in Norway TO protect
crops from frost. The vapor forms
q blanket over trees, vines ana other
growths, thus preventing freezing 49,
Evening star., 1926-04-11

unlock the doors from the inside with
q spoon.
"a good many of the inmates"
said Red, have happened to have a
spoon in their pocket and they just
turn the locks with it and walk out.
When everybody gets wise to this
the warden will wake up some AN.
and find his Jail deserted.
Provided" says, that the Grim.
inals is al equipped with desert
spoons." ..a-s..........
Evening star., 1926-04-11

for movies and circuses by Mr.. and
Mrs. Chas. Gay. Vile we was stand.
ing outside the cage OF 2 of the
veteran beasts Mrs. Gay made the
definite announcement that Mr.. Lard
ner would step inside and set down
in chair and be photographed with
the biggest one. This come as a
pleasant surprise to me, but the
ladies of our party was on hand and
they was nothing to do but aclxnowl.
edge the applause. Without q tremor
Evening star., 1926-04-11
Perfect Fool Tells How Better Speed
May Be Made After Horse Fails in Test
BY ED. WYNN.

BY ED. WYNN.
~ EAR Mr.. Wynn: Can you tell |
me how it is that so many |
men are bald headed?
~ Yours truly,
DAN DPTyEr
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11
Woman Converted,
Changes Plea and
Gets Year in Jail

A demonstration Of the fact that
religion sometimes works wondrous
changes in people was had in Bis
marck Saturday when Mrs. Nellie
Nickelby Of Bismarck appeared vol
UNFAIRLY before Judge Fred Janson-
JUS, changed her plea of not guilty
to u contempt of court charge to one
of guilty, and was sentenced to serve
one year in the county jail. The
woman said she had been converted
recently and that was the reason for
her change of heart.
Mrs. Nickelby's only request was
that she be not committed to Jail
until after Sunday, because she want
ed to join the church Sunday. The
judge took notice of this request and
specified that the jail term would
commence January IA.
About year ago Mrs. Nickelby was
convicted Of violating the prohibition
laws and an injunction was issued,
restraining her from continuance Of
her alleged law violations. In June
she was found to be again violating
the law and the contempt charge was
brought against her, in addition to q
charge of second offense violations
Of the liquor laws. She furnished
bonds to guarantee her appearance in
district court and has since been at
liberty. Her case was called at the
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11
TOP KICKER TO
BE A GENERAL
IN LIBERIA
Precedent Is Established
When American Negro Is
Given Army Command :
BY CHARLES r. STEWART

Washington, Jan. ll.-An American
has been given command Of the Lii
berian army. An Afro-American, ut
that.
What's more, he's a good soldier.
The War Department in Washing
ton testifies to il and the War De-
partment knows, for he's served un-
der the Stars and Stripes since 1915.
Tho new head Of the Liberian mil
itary establishment is Hansen Out
ley, late sergeant in the 9th United
States cavalry, World War veteran
and all that.
Outley was in Washington recent
ly, getting himself discharged from
the 9th, securing n passport and
winding up his other American af-
fairs. with view to long stay
abroad.
This is the first time an American
Negro has been handed an army
command and War Department folk
were lot interested, as they were
at the Department of State, too.
Outiey has . first class military
record and his superiors we're glad
to fix matters to enable him to &C.
cept his Liberian offer, though sorry
to see him 60.
Was . Chauffeur
Originally General formerly Ser
geant) Guilty il from Houston, Tex.
He worked as q chauffeur and cleo
tfician before existing in the 349th
Field Artillery at Jefferson Barracks,
Mo-. in September, 1915, when he was
% years old.
During Americas participation in
the World War he had a hand in
all the fighting on the St. Die sector
and the fact that ne won his way to
a sergeantcy speaks for itself.
.. After the war he was shifted to the
cavalry arm and was stationed at Fl.
Riley, Kas., when he received Lii
beria's call.
Liberia may have a "comic opera
army" now--mostly generals, all tin
sci and gold lace-but when Com
mander-in- Chief formerly Sergeant)
Hansen Outley gets through with it
-oh my!
Hansen was sent for especially to
reorganize that army, and if what
they say about him at the War De-
partment counts for anything, he
sure will.
Hansen, as q sergeant. proved him.
self disciplinarian who certainly
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11

knows what discipline means. "Shucks
for the panoply of war!" is his motto.
He wants the goods"
Has Excellent Rec0rdA
All this isn't by way of making fun
Of Hansen.
He's fine, outstanding darby, and
with each and every record of the
completion Of his successive terms of
enlistment the notation character
excellent" appears.
The War Department honestly feels
proud of having turned out Negro
sergeant who's considered equal to
lead an army in the field, and doesn't
doubt he'll do good job.
The Liberian army is more n gem
darmerie than an army anyway.
It has whole jungleful Of most
unpleasant savages and other highly
undesirable critters to keep back
which can best be done by corps
Of rough riders, quick on the draw
and armed with sabers Of razzuh
edge.
Here's n task at which Commander
in-Chief formerly Sergeant) Hansen
Outley ought to shine.
Next address: Monrovia, Liberia.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11
MERCURY DROPS
BELOW ZERO FIRST
Time THIS YEAR

A cold snap arrived in the vicn-
ity Of Bismarck during last night and
this morning. For the first time in
almost two weeks, the temperature
dropped below the zero mark. At
o'clock this morning the mercury
reading at the weather bureau was
FOUR below zero. The temperature
dropped three more degrees before
sunrise, rading seven below zero at
$3.50 a. M. after which it began to
rise.
Since Christmas time, when there
were four fairly cold nights, the
weather hereabouts has been very
mild. The last below zero night pre-
vious to last night was on December
90, when the reading was 10 below.
December % registered five below.
December 26 to q each showed II
below and December % showed a
Temperature Of two below zero.
A high pressure area has settled
over this section, bringing the cold
Or weather, but today is clear. with
The sun shining brightly, and it is
not at all disagrecable out-of-doors.
a low pressure srea hangs over the
urea north and west of North Da-
l.ota and it is believed the nign
pressure area will move eastward
and be replaced By the lower pres
sure, with resultant rises in the
tempcrature. The forecast TODAY is
<4fair with rising temperature tonight
md Tuesday. -
'sssl January Readings
i The maximum md minimum tenn
for January, up to the
spresent time, as furnished the Tri-
bunc by the local weather bureau.
hAye been as follows:
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11
OldsmObile Shows
Two Latest Models

Two new Oldsmobile body types
Il deluxe four passenger roadster and
u multi purpose Coupe-were dis.
played by Olds Motor Works at the
National Automobile Show ut it's
opening in New York Saturday. Both
are Of the latest design, are finished
in two color Duco and mounted on
the proven Oldsmobile chassis with
the 40 horsepower six cylinder L
head engine.
The new body types are so design
ed to appeal to q wide range Of buy
ers--the professional and business
man, the commercial traveller, and
those Of all ages who rightfully be-
long to the younger" set and oil
those who like the personal car with
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11
HAS
ITS TONY AND
SEAMY SIDES
If You Don't Live in "WaSh.
ingtOn Northwest" You're
Not in Society

Washington, Jan. ll.--MOst towns
have two "sides." side where all
the tony people hang out and q side
where nobody can live and amount
to much socially.
Washington is cmphatically this
way.
Your address must read washing
ton Northwest" or you don't "be-
long" A trip to Washington North
east or Southeast is like journeying
to an entirely different city.
Why Washington Southwest doesn't
class with the northwestern district
is easy to understand. It's the in.
dustrial section SO far as the capital
has one and naturally isn't so pleas
ant to live in.
But accounting for the eastern half
Of the towns social disrcpute, en-
cept for a little stretch along the
railroad yards. isn't so easy.
It's true that the houses there OBJ
viously and practically without cx-
ccption are those Of people in very
modest circumstances, but why
Washington's crowded for room. Why
hasn't the classy part Of it spread
over. into this perfectly available
area?
AdY1LOI u UOUuO61ys
Another thing. the capitol building
marks the boundary between the two
"sides."
1t would seem as if swell people
would be attracted to put up fine
edificc, with its fine grounds and
pleasing outlook.
On the contrary. however, nobby
Wo oh - estn nn10y co. m nc
the group Of buildings including the
capitol, the senate and house office
buildings and the congressional lib
rary and stops there. It's rs If the
capitol stopped it.
Property owners on the east side
are among those who can't under
stand what ails it.
With palatial apartment houses
going up all over Washington North
west, they holler loud and long to
know what's the matter with 2 few
of them on the east side. because
of course it would increase the value
Of their real estate.
Would Lose Caste
But no, the apartment house folk
say it would be suicidal to build ex-
pensively there, since expensive
buildings need expensive tenants to
support them and that kind of ten
ants would refuse to live in east
ern Washington-they'd lose caste
by it.
Apparently the east sides only
tangible disadvantage, as distinguish.
ed from its imaginary social one, lies
in the fact that it's rather distant
from the official quarter. nearly all
of the city's public buildings, like
everything else of Consequence, hay
ing been concentrated in the. north
western area.
Still, as previously remarked. it's
convenient to the capitol building
and ought to be an ideal place of
residence for congressman, as, by
the way. the property owners af0rc-
said have remarked many time and
often. ~.
Nevertheless no congressman live
there.
East Side Has Lower Rentals
Ii one isn't worried about his So
cial status the east side offers the
advantage of much lower rentals
than prevail for corresponding ac.
comn,odations in Washington North
west.
The difference is fully half and 1t
isn't to be sneezed at in place
where the landlords are as greedy
as in the capital.
It is sneezed at. however. by all
who think socially well of them
selves.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11

its exelus iveness. Both types are
equally at home in crowded city
traffic or along the highway touring
routes.
The deluxe roadster is finished in
sea fog gray and ocean blue Duco.
The gray is used on the lower tor-
ton Of the body. A black molding
and ivory stripping runs from the rad
iator she'll tO the back Of the body.
Above this the ocean blue saddles
the upper portion forming strip at
the side and saddles over the hood
and rear deck.
Seat II Roomy
The front sent is wide, deep and
.rOOmy. The rear, or drop seat, OPP
ems in the rear compartment. 1t is
38 inches wide and both seat and
seat back have regular coil spring
construction. The gray upholstery
Of real leather is used throughout
The back compartment is furnished
the same as the front, including side
upholstery and floor carpet.
The top is Of tan khaki. The rear
portion is secured by clasps and this
together with the large glass win.
dow. can be raised and fastened ia
the roof Of the top so as to make q
four passenger car. The top folds
down, close to the body, fully clear
ing the drop seat opening. A new
step arrangement is used for access
to the rear compartment, the lower
step is fastened to the rear bumper
and the upper is atop the right rear
fender.
Standard equipment includes nick.
eled-steel bumpers front and rear
automatic windshield, wiper, rear
view mirror. motometer, kick plates
snubhers all around, windshield
wings. spot light. top boot and full
vision side curtains. Steel disc OF
natural wood wheels are optional.
OF Fisher Construction
The Coupe is Of standard Fisher
construction, metal sheathed on q
rigid, hardwood frame. The real
deck is symmetrical, adding to the
size of the baggage compartment and
also giving low, graceful appear.
ance TO the car. The lower portion
Of the body is finished in Dagtan
blue Duco with black upper body. A
beading extends from radiator shell
to the rear. An ivory stripe accen.
tuates this panel effect. The upper
portion Is covered with black, dur.
able fabrieoid and has landau ba1
at each side.
Door windows, 25 ga by 16 inches,
the Fisher w windshield and wide
rear window give the miximum in vi
sion and ventilation. The rear lug
gage compartment is Of more than
IL cubic feet capacity. The large
door opening Is "a by 40 inches. Civ
ing ample room for trunk in ad-
dition to other baggage. A compart-
ment, with 10 1-2 IL 1-2 inch
door at the right side, is ideal for
golf clubs or long packages. Space
for small packages is provided on the
interior ledge behind the seat. The
upholstery is in q neutral tone,
heavy cord plush. The seat is wide
and deep. and the high backs are at
comfortable angle for relaxation.
Genuine Spanish leather upholstery
in grey may be had at slight ad-
dition in cost. A deluxe model is
also shown. This. is fitted at the
factory with steel disc or natural
wood wheels, nickeled-steel bumpers
front and rear. snubbers all around,
rear vision mirror, spot light, lock
motometer and bar cap and kick
plates in addition to an automoti:
Windshield wiper and other equip
ment which is standard on oil closed
models.
The Bismarck tribune. [volume] (Bismarck, N.D.) 1916-current, 1926-01-11
How She Gained 10
Pounds in % Days

That's going some-but skinny
men, women and children just can't
help putting on good, healthy flesh
when they take McCoy's Cod Liver
Oil Compound Tablets.
As chock full Of vitamines as the
nasty, fishy!tasting cod liver oil
itself, but these sugar coated, taste
less tablets are as easy to take as
candy, and won't urse: the stomach.
One woman gained ten pounds in
twenty-five days. GO tablets, GO
cents. Ask Cowan's drug store or
any druggist for McCoy's Cod Liver
Oil Compound Tablets and if you
don't gain at least pounds in 80
days your druggist is authorized to
hand you back the money yon paid
for them.
"Get McCoy's. the original and gen.
uine, and avoid imitations.-Adv. n