davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28
BY SAM HELLMAN.

V SEE where Dempsey has gone
s. into the real estate business In
Florida" remarks to High
Dome" Finnegan. Amt he
gonna fight no more?'
why should he fight when he
can get thousands a week out OF the
movies?"
Hes got to fght some time, doesn't
he?" I inquiries.
No" answers High Dome" THE
probabilities are that he'll retire as
indicated champion of the world.
Look at Benny Leonard. He's still a
card in vaudeville. Even Jack Nc
Auliffe, who retired about a million
years ago, is still getting his cakes
and ale In the three a day. FolksH
pay to look at a champ, but they
wouldn't walk across the street to
see q loser"
THE big moneys just killing sport.
/ remarks.
You've mouthed a saidful," agrees
Finnegan. The gates the thing these
days. Fighting amt the only pastime
that's being ruined by the important
maZuma-"
WE'LL" says I. amateur sports still
attracting the lads that are in the
game for the games sake"
Even that's going blooey." growls
High Dome"
How do you mean?" asks.
Take Grange, for instance" replies
Finnegan. Understand. there amt
nothing wrong about him going into
professional feet ball after getting done
with college, but did you ever stop
and think what the effects going to be
on the college gamer"
mo-" tells him. IT haven't given it
much thought"
You can't give much from nothing"
fatters High Dome" but here's
what's going to happen next season
Every foot bail player in the country Is
going to try TO develop himself into an
Individual star 30 as to attract a big
professional offer. The coaches are 60
Ing to have the toughest time in the
world developing teamwork. You
gotta remember. DO. that the profess
sionals are not hiring teams; they're
hiring individuals. and everybody's 60.
ting to try to become an individual
headliner."
II don't believe it," says I. Amer.
ican youngsters aren't such money
Grabbers as you make It appear"
Listen, Teller" returns Finnegan.
Elm the old days the colleges Just tried
to slip the lads some general cultures;
today they're pointing the students
toward money-making jobs. They've
got all kinds Of business courses,
and -"
sWhat Of t." I cuts in. There aint
ANYTHING wrong about teaching q ND
TO get q toeheaA on the wolf, 10 there7''
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28
Getting Dough in the Athletic Game
And Other Jobs Offered to Athletes

| but just the same an athlete ought to
have pride enough to refuse to get into
the class with three-legged COWS and
performing fieaS.'
How you going to stop it?" I asks.
THE only way" replies High
Dome" sis to educate the public to boo
a few athletes off the stage. Anyhow,
the stage stunt is unfair to actors who
have spent their whole lives training
for the theater and the writing stunt
Is unfair to newspaper men who have
spent years and years training for
their Jobs. II that point was driven
into the head Of the public 1t wouldn't
take long to give guys with strong
backs and weak minds the hook"
II thought you said" I remarks,
that anybody was entitled to all the
dough he can get"
They are" comes back Finnegan,
but they amt entitled to step into
somebody else's game and take the
ham and eggs out of his mouth. II a
big athlete wants to appear before the
public, let him hire a hall and an
nounce that he will show himself off
at so much a peek. That's all right.
But when he goes on the stage and
not only makes a show Of himself but
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

IN spite of his amazing dexterity.
the kettledrum player in an or
chestra needs even more agility to
play all that is demanded of him I'm
modern music scores. Prof. Schneider.
"a noted kettle-drum player of the
Vienna Philharmonic Orchesra, is COM
ing to the rescue with a kettle.drum
piano that will operate eight drums
of varying pitch. says Popular Science
Monthly
Even the most modern orchestraS
have at most four kettle drums. With
a piano keyboard arrangement the
work of the drummer. it is claimed,
would be lessened greatly. But would
not the admiration OF the audience elso
disappear?
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

Not q thing" agrees High Dome, "
but keeping the boys minds on bust
ness Is bound to have its effect on
sport. Suppose you were a good foot
ball player in college and there was a
chance OF making enough dough in two
seasons with the professionals to re.
tire for life, or, at any rate, snag
enough jack to go into business for
yourself. would you try to keep your
own name in the limelight or would
you sacrifice yourself for the team and
dear old alma mater?"
There's something to that" ] agrees,
but it'll only affect a few real stars In
the game"
Forget it," snaps Ffnnegan. Every
kid in a foot bali suit thinks he's a
Grange. However, 1t amt only foot
ball that's falling for the big dough.
Look at the fellers that get Jobs as
actors. That, to me, Is the cheapest
stunt In American sport-parading
yourself as a sort Of freak at 80 much
per head"
That's not the athletes fault, -
says I.
mot at ALL" comes back Finnegan.
Its the public-the same kind of pub
lie that puts up it's dough to see a
three-legged cow or performing fleas.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

of procedure by which the man may
be cured.
When he says, Did you ever see
any card tricks?" the answer should
be, mo, have never seen any. How
are they done?"
After which the following dialogue
will ensue:
"All right Here's rather a good
one Pick a card"
What do 1 need a card for?"
well, just pick one, any one you
like any one you like, and
I'll tell which one you pick"
You'll tell who?"
mo, no; / mean, I'll know which it
is, don't you see? Go on now, pick
a ard -
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28
The Quickest Way to Produce Sawdust
And Other Problems Are Easily Solved

years of age, and intend being chef.
love to cook. Can you tell me the
best way to preserve peaches.
Truly yours,
Answer: Tho best way for you to
preserve peaches is not to introduce
them to any other fellows.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: What is the
quickest way to make Saw-dust?
Yours truly,
NJ. +. NOODLE.
Answer: Use your head, my boy,
use your head.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l met a young
chap from Atlantic City. He told me
that in his home there Is something
runs all over the floor of his basement
yet it hasn't any legs. AS you know
everything, what can that be?
Sincerely,
c. SAULT.
Answer: Water.
Dear My Wynn; l am writing a
it. 1 have it all completed up to the
last curtain. The last scene shows
the heroine starving to death. What
do you suggest for finish?
Yours truly,
LENA GAINSTMEE.
Answer: Have the heroine kneel on
the stage, lift up her hands and beg
for bread, then have the curtain come
down with a roll.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: On my recent trip
through the West the train stopped
at little town in Arizona. The con-
ductor of our train pointed 10 a rough
looking man on the station platform
and told me that the man he was
pointing at had killed 20 men. Do
you think cowboys are really as bad
as that? Yours truly,
q. PINSPACES
Answers ~, I don't. In fact, the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

fellow you saw in Arizona was not a
cowboy. but a taxi driver from the
East who was in Arizona on his vaca
ton.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 notice articles,
in the newspapers, which refer TO
something or other happening in the
great peace town, but they never men
ton the name of the town. / must
confess my ignorance and ask you to
please tell me the name of the Great
Peace Town.
Sincerely,
U. r. BRIGHT.
Answer: The Greatest Peace Town
know of is Reno.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l bought a horse
yesterday at a sale, and drove him
home He kept stopping every few
minutes. Today l took him out again
and he did the same thing. What do
you think is wrong with him?
Sincerely,
Answer: He is probably deaf and
is afraid he wont hear YOU say whoa
SO he just stops to listen.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: ! am woman 43
years of age and the only offer of
marriage l have ever had was last
night. | met a fellow at a party and
he was drunk. He proposed marriage
to me. He seems alright, but l told
him to sober up and then ask me to
marry him. Did 1 do right?
Sincerely.
/. NJ. HOMELY.
Answer: Yes and no. He may not
want you when he's sober
Dear Mr.. Wynn: There is so much
talk about society" changing in the
last % years. If this is true, can you
describe the change?
Yours truly,
l. NJ. A. CLIMBER
Answer: twenty-five years ago
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

| of parties that amt been to
Florida but has got intentions
of going to Florida l Will try
| and exclaim some of the So
| cial customs and uSageS IN vogue III
| that wonder state. In the list. place
| all the hotels is run on the so called
American plan which means that II
and when you pay your Dill, your D
meals per day is included in same.
| Therefore it is VS. all ethics to eat
more than or meals per day at the
| hotels expense. The big meal must
! be eat outside of the hotel so as 1t Will
| cost extra and not impose on the chel'
This practice gives rise to what Is
called dinner parties which is generally
always held at athletic CLUB Where
| the athletics consists OF pail game
| in which the ball is rolled around on
| a wheel and finally drops into a num-
| her on which your wife is betting so
cents instead Of q number on which
| YOU are betting $500 and no hundreds
| dollars.
The host or hostess at one OF these
dinner parties leaves the menu in the
hands of the clubs mgr. and the menu
| he picked out at the first party or the
season seemed to go so good that the
| rest of the menus is all a carbon copy
| of same First there is Seafood
| cocktail ana then soup ana llSIl anu
| then comes the bird which they call IT
| a quail down there, but known up
north as a sparrow. A good many OF
the guests may not care for sparrow
| but on the other hand may be very
| fond of griddle cakes, so to satisfy
| both factions the bird is Smothered
with maple syrup.
As soon as one of the hot dishes
| is set in front of you, that is the
signal for the dance orchestra to start
up so that by the time YOU have done
your dance the food amt hot no more,
but you are.
The chief duty of the host or hostess
is to arrange the seating. The iGear is
to never seat nobody next to some
body they ever met. This makes 1t
compulsory to invite good many
strangers which makes it possible to
spend most of the dinner finding out
your partners name. You can't find
it out from the place cards because
the hostess didn't know 1t herself and
wrote down just a kind of a scraWi
that might be either Abrams or Cas-
sidy or both. Following is a report
of dinner conversation between the
undersigned and q lady who was a
Mrs. Carpenter from Memphis, or
maybe her name was Mrs. Morton and
she was from Duluth.
Isn't this a grand party?" said Mrs.
Fitzgerald, or perhaps she was Mrs.
Cole.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

| the seeds commence to Sprout, you
| plant EN- in a pot Of rich soil, set it
in the sun, set down beside it in the
sun yourself, and I'll guarantee that
| by the time the mustard plasters are
in full bloom your cold will be abso.
lutely cured.
Really? 1 says. Well. I'll try that,
dear, so sweet of you to tell me.
| What do you think of Noisy Mouth
Wash to help along? OH says she,
Noisy Mouth Wash is just fine! Keep
your feet in it all the time you are
| taking the mustard-treatment. and 1t
! will help you a lot, but be sure and
| use it cold. Why, 1 always use 1t hot,
1 says. And Mabel says oh no, dear,
| 1 always use 1t with a little ice, espe-
cially when out of grape juice, and I'M
expected company comes, well, / must
run along now. I do hope your cold
| will be better, goodbye, dear, now be
| sure and do exactly as I say.
X 4
WELL, naturally I says aloud good
bye dear, I surely will, and
thought silently. before I'd take that
| woman's advice, etc! But scarcely
| was she off the premises as well as
off her nut then who would drop in
| only Mrs. Goofnah. and the minute
she heard had a cold she left the kiss
she was about to give me in mid-air
halfway between the two of us, and
sat down at a safe distance.
Not, my dear, she says, that I am
the least bit afraid of you. but l
have the children to think Of. Per-
sonally I would like you just as we'll
as / do now If 1t was the smallpox
YOU had, but we have to remember
the others In the family, don't We?
And l says yes we don't. among real
friends especially, understand
perfectly, dear And she says 1 do
hope you are taking care of that cold,
Jennie.
And 1 says my yes, it's flourishing.
It's growing heavier by the minute.
And she says did you ever try wrap
ping molasses around a sore throat?
My dear. wish you would! 1t will be
most effective 1t is the sweetest
treatment. I've never tried 1t. myself,
but I know my grandfather always
used 1t, with a little sulphur, especially
toward Spring. I do wish you'd try 1t,
I'm dying to know how it comes OUT.
And, says I, how 1t comes off. too.
thank you so much dear, / certainly
will put some molasses on If I'm not
a. lot better by tonight. I'll put 1t on
the stove and make some candy II
nothing else. And then Mrs. Goofnah,
putting on her gloves. and holding her
handkerchief over her mouth and
nose shook hands goodbye with me,
taking every precaution not to deprive
me Of a single germ.
Well, believe you me, this was GER
tainly the morning I was keeping
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

be able to speak, Thursday, and l sure
was afraid that If the meeting was to
be called off ! wouldn't never get the
chance again to read my speech. Hot
Bozo. I was so worried over this that
thought l would try all the remedies
that them dear friends of mine had
suggested. So / cleared the laundry
for action. / got the mustard out, also
a flower pot, filled the wash tubs with
hot water, dragged the molasses jug
from it's garage, opened all the laundry
windows, and was just in the bath
room looking up the gargles Miss De
meanor had recommended, when two
more dear friends arrived, and what
they said done me more good then all
the rest of the bunch put together.
These last two ladies' to arrive was
Mrs. Freddy FreenaSh and a stranger,
q house-guest of hers as / found out
after, and 1 didn't let them in. The
cook, our temporary sweetie. opened
the door for them, and while they was
waiting in the parlor for me, l couldn't
help only overhear what they was say
ing.
Well, says Mrs. Freenash, so the
cook says she has a terrible cold. has
she? My, there are a lot of colds go
ing around, l must tell her to use
some Whosis Ointment. it's a grand
treatment, 1t cured my dog of the
mango, or would have, If we hadn't
had to shoot the poor animal first
And the strange lady says, oh | don't
think much of that Whosis stuff, what
I always use is little picked tripe,
hot on the chest. And Mrs. Freenash
says, internally? And the other lady
says, oh either way, but personally
prefer it externally every time. Say,
Mrs. Freenash. wasn't this Mrs. Jules
we are calling on the one that was
conner make the speech tomorrow?
And that Freenash woman says yes,
she was. but from all l hear thank
heaven she won't be able to, why on
earth Jennie will undertake to make a
speech is more then I can understand.
My dear, she simply can't speak at all,
she's something terrible when she gets
on a platform. OF course she Is one Of
my very dearest friends, and wouldn't
say a word against her. and as a pub
lie speaker she certainly Is q wonder
full wife and mother. but l am really
glad. in a way, that she won't be able
to talk tomorrow. I'd kind of hate for
you to get the wrong impression of
our little club.
Well, when / heard that I don't
know what happened to me, exactly
but all of a sudden my voice come
back. I walked right into the parlor
and spoke in a loud voice. My cold
was practically gone, and my throat
was able as the Liberty bell-slightly
cracked, but able to be heard when
struck. AS the saying goes, one WON.
ans poison is often another WOman'S
meat!
copyright. 1890
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

open house. for next thing l knew. In
bounced Miss Demeanor, that bottle
blond, the one that's engaged to DR..
Salary. And the minute she seen l
had a cold the open-house stuff com
menced for fair. My dear! she
shrieked, what on earth are you doing
with all them windows closed? Don't
you know 1t is the very worst thing
in the world for a cold not to have
any fresh air and ventilation? And 1
says why my dear, l haven't grain Of
ventilation in the house. l don't be-
lieve in drugs of any kind, but you can
take the air any time you like.
And she says now Jennie, l can tell
you the very thing to do for that cold.
Just kindly remember I am engaged
to DR.. Salary and I know what l am
talking about. OF course I believe in
operating at every opportunity, but l
don't suppose you would consent to
having that cold amputated, although
II the dear doctor were to do so 1t
would undoubtedly cure your cold
once and for all.
But you simply must open all win.
dows. paint your throat with extractus
vanilla, gargle a little 16 to one solu-
ton of potassium chloride or bi-chlor-
ide of potassium cynide, I'm not just
sure which, but anyways 1t doesn't
much matter. either Of them will settle
your case permanently. Then you
must keep off your feet, take a COM
plete rest, and go away for change
Otherwise unless I'm greatly mistaken,
you are going to have a serious case
Of fallen arches.
BY this time l couldn't scarcely
whisper. what with my cold and the
fright her comforting words threw into
me. And when Miss Demeanor had
opened her heart and the windows for
me in this generous manner, and sat
with me while in her comfortable big
fur coat chatting gaily about a ma or,
not to say 3rigadier General operation
her boy friend had performed the week
before on a case which had started
out just like mine. well anyways.
when she had done this cheering act
of kindness, she left.
No sooner had she done so then
closed up all the windows again on &C.
count / realized where in all proba bill
ity she was acting for the best, but
whose best wasn't quite certain. On
the one hand she might be giving me
real sound, sanitary advice, and then
on the other hand, / knew for a fact
where she and the doc couldn't afford
yet to get married, and 1t wasn't i'm
possible that she was merely drum
ming UP q little extra business for
him, as would only be natural under
the circumstances.
pUT when she left, so did my voice,
~ the last shred Of IT, and / was
pretty low in my mind, too, on account
II certainly looked like wasn't conner
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

ANY one I like?"
Yes"
ANY color at ALP"
Yes, yes
ANY suit?''
"Oh, yes; do go on"
"Well, let me see, I'll-pick-the-
ace of spades"
Great Caesar! 1 mean you are to
pull card out of the pack"
CRAMPING HIS STYLE.
''Oh, to pull it out of the pack!
Now / understand. Hand me the
pack. All right-Ive got it,"
Have you picked one?"
Yes, it's the three of hearts. Did
you know it,"
Hang 1t. Don't tell me like that.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

knocks a real actor off the bill, he's
just a cheap squirt"
Personally" says I, II think they
ought to cut down on the amount of
jack they pay athletes"
THAT wouldn't be a bad idea" re-
turns High Dome" and It wouldn't
hurt sport any. There were much bet
ter fighters in the country when they
fought so rounds for a $500 purse
and there were much better foot ball
players before the professionals started
paying for stars. If base ball players
weren't paid SO much they wouldn't
stay in the game so many years, and
we wouldn't have to watch a lot of
spavs crutching their way around the
diamonds. We'd have new blood all
the time and we'd have faster and
snapper base ball."
when" 1 asks, do you expect to
see things changed?"
II wouldn't be surprised" comes
back Finnegan. IF it should happen
any February 31st."
Copyright. 1926.)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28
Smallest Fish.

THE record for minuteness in its
class Is held by a tiny fish shown
At the meeting of the American Society
Of biologists at New Haven by DIR.
E. w. Gudger of the American Mu-
scum of Natural History. says Science
Magazine. The midget Is exactly thirty
millimeters, or less than one and one
quarter inches, in length. and belongs
to the semi-parastic genus Remora.
The fish in this group are parasitic
only to the extent that they hop a
ride" on larger fishes attaching them
selves by q sort of vacuum disk that
grows on the tops of their heads.
This saves them the labor Of swimming
for themselves. and they pick up a
living by swallowing bits of food
scattered by their unwilling carriers
at meal times. The next smallest
specimen, which DR.. Gudger also
showed, Is a trifie over one and three
quarters inches in length.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28
NUMBER WHICH YOUR WIFE NG 5" GEN INSTEAD OF

Next to Mrs. Bedford"
What does he do?"
Mr.. AIDE? He sings
NO mean the man that shot these
waffles."
II don't even know who he is
This Is my first trip here. Last
Winter we were in Miami
The undersigned suppressed the OBJ
vious What of it," and said:
It's certainly wonderful how Miami
has grown"
They say that people are sleeping
in taxis-"
The dinner finally gets over with,
around / or o'clock, and the guests
rushes for the roulette tables. Mrs.
Carpenter or whatever her name wait
ing to see which table l am going to
and then going to one where | amt.
She picks out one where she knows
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

you married into society" Today you
divorce into It.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: / received sun
dial for a Christmas present It's all
right in the daylight. but how can l
tell the time by it at night?
Sincerely
/. DOMINO.
Answer: Use a candle on it.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Is it true the best
way to make a vegetable speak Is to
cut out the inside of a melon and make
it hollow? (holler).
Yours truly,
Q. HUMBER.
Answer: Next week
THE PERFECT FOOL.
Ell Wynn as he has often told you, Is one
Of the wisest men in the world He sees
all-he knows all. Do you think you can
stump him with any kind of question:
II you do. send il to him in care OF the
editor of this paper and watch for his reply
Copyright 1920
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

somebody and they ask her who she
set by at dinner.
II don't know" she says. "Some
horrible dumbbell"
When the dinner is at private
home instead of a club you play
bridge afterwards and the scheme is
to have people who can play set at
the same table with 2 to whom the
game is a complete surprise.
l may of forgot to mention that
the dinners is preceded by various de-
mented cocktail parties and generally,
as a subtle compliment to whoever is
giving the dinner, some of the prospeC-
tive guests not only gets pretty well
boiled in advance but brings a flask
full of lullaby Scotch on their hip.
The gals that sets next to these provi-
dent gents is considered lucky as you
don't half to talk to a sleeper.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-02-28

WONDERFUL
Il wonder if Mr.. Berry shot these
parrots himself"
Mr.. Who?"
Mr. Berry. Isn't that the host S
name?'
II thought his name was Proba -
We'll. it's either that or Wells or
some such a name"
who is that next to Mrs. Ford?"
(Which is Mrs. F'ord?"
Sitting next to that man I'm ask
ing you who is it,"
"Oh, l thought that was Mrs.
Morse
these canaries."
Who"
THAT man sitting next to the girl
between he and Mr.. AIDE"
(Which is Mr.. Ade?'