davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

"O the editor: BY the employ
ment of methods amounting
almost to the so-called third
A degree, the heads of the
newspaper syndicate who /
am under contract has finally got me
TO write my autobiography. a task
which shrink from 1t like Pola from
q camera, yet which the doing of
which / feel ! owe 1t to my public.
This then is the first installment,
but will precede same with brief
acct. of the comical scene in the syn
dictate offices which eliminated in me
undertaking to do the work under Ger
tain conditions. In the first place /
was decoyed into the offices by
letter from the boss saying they was
a package waiting there for me from
n admire in Yuma that looked like
salt water taffy. This was Il hoax
and I hadn't no sooner than entered
the door when / was bached in the
stomach by some blunt instrument.
probably a wardrobe trunk. When
I regained conscious / was laying on
my back in the gun room while the
head of a midiron had been showed
into my mouth with the heel resting
VS. the roof of same and the toe on
the tongue, and the manager had
began to pull my teeth with some
past the amusing stage l told them
I would do what they wanted pro-
vided the work was not published prior
to my death.
THAT suits u.s. said the boss. IF
you'll promise to die by the Fourth
Of July"
The others took up the refrain:
IF you'll promise to die
BY the Fourth of July
Agreements were then signed and
! hurried home to eXhume diaries and
notes containing the material neceS-
sary for accurate autobiography and
will now begin writing it with de
termination to stick to facts and to
not let the truth be interfered with
by a personal modesty never eXcelled
and perhaps only equaled in this gen.
Grafton by well, maybe Oscar Wilde
and BelaSco.
CHAPTER 1.
THE BIRTH OF A WONDER MAN.
TIE first week in March, 1885, was
a gala week throughout the CIV
ilized world, the United States in gen.
eral and the latter's great middle
west in particular. In this one week
there was an unfounded rumor OF a
royal bethrothal between Queen Vic
toria and King Gillette: a young
Washington dentist, DIR. Ghoul,
watched a mixed fivesome tee off at
Chevy Chase and predicted tliat four
Of Them Mould have pEorrhea; the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
The Perfect Fool Answers a Few Hard Ones

~ EAR MIR. WYNN: Can you
| give me an explanation of
why they call spinster an
- old maid? Truly yours,
| l. NJ. WONN.
Answer: There Is very little to ex-
plain 1t simply means that the
woman has been made a long time.
| Dear Mr.. Wynn: A friend Of mine
just failed in business. I went to his
house to express my sympathy, Dur.
ing our conversation he said he was
arranging matters so his creditors
wouldn't bother him. Do you think
he means he is going to get out of
debt? Yours truly,
| Answer: No; he means he is going
to get out Of town.
| Dear Mr.. Wynn: I know a man
living right here in New York who Is
a millionaire, yet he has been wearing
the same suit for the past 7 years and
looks as il he was broke. l once
asked him why he. with all his money.
didn't buy a new suit and he said
everybody in New York knew he
could afford a new suit and as long
as everybody knew him he couldn't
see what difference 1t made. Last
month a friend of mine saw him in
| NWHcio lic uOCSH L hiOW IL
souD and he had on the same suit.
How do you figure that out? Sin
cerely, IZZIE X. ENTRIC.
Answer: He said everybody knows
him in New York and they know he
can afford better clothes, so 1t doesn't
make any difference how he dresses.
He probably figures that when he is
in Philadelphia he can dress the same
way because nobody knows him. So
it doesn't make any difference how he
dresses.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am a boy IL
years old and in the sixth grade in
public school. l have to write a story
about the most unusual animal in the
world. Please tell me what it Is and
why, will you? Yours truly,
- I. HATEORITE.
Answer: The most unusual animal
in the whole world Is "a man." be-
cause a man is the only animal that
can be Skinned more than once.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: How can people
tell when a bank has busted?
Sincerely, I. o. PLENTY.
Answer: They generally can tell
when they hear the report"
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am not one of
those persons who believe every
thing told them. For that reason l
am writing to you to find out II what
I heard last night is true. l heard
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

was reported first as in England
Next he was right at the front, at
the very firing itself. We knew then
- everybody in the club knew that
Mr.. Spugg's chauffeur might be
killed at any moment. But great as
the strain must have been, SpuGg
went up and down to his office and in
and out of the club without a tremor.
The situation gave him a new inn
portance in our eyes, something
tense.
This seems to be a terrific bust.
ness" I said to him one day at
lunch. this new German drive
'My chauffeur" said Mr.. Spugg
was right in the middle of it,
HE was, eh?"
Yes" he continued, zone shell
burst in the air so near him it al
most broke his wings"
Mr.. Spugg told this with no false
boasting or bravado, eating his celery
as he spoke of it. Here was a man
who had nearly had his chauffeur's
wings blown off and vet he never
moved muscle. / began to realize
the kind Of resolute stuff that the
man was made of.
A few days later bad news came
to the club.
Have you heard the bad news
about Spugg?" some one asked.
mo, what?"
His chauffeur's sheen gassed."
How is he taking it?"
Fine. He's sending off his gar
dener to take the chauffeurs place?
SO that was Mr.. Spugg's answer
to the Germans.
We lunched together that day.
Yes" he said, "Henry's gassed.
How 1t happened I don't know. He
must have come down out of the air.
l told him I wanted him in the air.
But let 1t pass. It's done now
And you're sending your gar
Il am" said Spugg. He's gone
already. called him in from the
garden yesterday. 1 said, William,
Henrys been gassed. Our first duty
Is to keep up our man.power at the
front. You must leave tonight"
What are you putting William
into?" 1 asked.
Infantry. He'll do best in the
trenches-digs well and is a very fair
shot. Anyway, 1 want him to see all
the fighting that's going. II the Ger
mans want give and take in this bust
ness, they can have it. They'll soon
see who can stand it best. told Will
liam when he left. I said, William,
we've got to show these fellows that,
man for man, we're a match for them
That's the way I look at it, man for
man."
I watched Mr.. Spugg's massive face
as he went on with his meal. Not a
nerve Of it moved. II he felt any fear,
at least he showed no trace Of it.
X X X y
A F'TER that I got war news from
n him at intervals in little scraps
as I happened to meet him. 1.-THE war
look had" said to him one day as
chan. I'd upon him getting into his
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

motor. This submarine business is
pretty serious
"It Isl he said. William was tor
pedoed Yesterday"
Then he got into his car and drove
away as quietly as if nothing had
happened.
A little later that day I heard him
talking about it in the club. Yes"
he was saying, "a submarine. 1t tor
pedoed William-my gardener. l have
both a chauffeur and gardener at
the war. William was picked up on
raft. He's in pretty bad shape. My
he's coming home. We've both tele-
graphed him to stick It out"
The news was the chief topic in the
club that day. ''Spugg's gardener has
been torpedoed," they said, but
Spugg refuses to have him quit and
come home" well done, Spugg,"
said everybody.
After that we had news from time
to time about both William and
Henry
"Henry's out of the. hospital" said
Spugg. II hope to have him back in
France in a few days. Williams in
bad shape still. 1 had a London sur
geon go and look at him. 1 told him
flOC 10 DllIlu tfle eApcIlSc, OuL W BET
William fixed up right away. 1t
seems that one arm is more or less
paralyzed. I've wired back to him
not to hesitate. They say Williams
blood is still too thin for the operation.
I've cabled them to take some of
Henry's. | hate to do it, but this is
no time to stick at anything"
A little later William and Henry
! were reported both back in France.
! This was at the very moment of the
great offensive. But Spugg went about
his daily business unmoved. Then
came the worst news of all. William
and Henry" he said to me, "are both
missing. don't know where the devil
they are"
"Missing!' I repeated.
Both Of them. The Germans have
caught them both. suppose / shan't
have either of them back now till the
war is all over"
He gave slight sigh, the only sign
of complaint that ever I had heard
come from him.
RUT the next day we learned what
~ WAS Spugg's answer to the Ger
"Have you heard. what Spugg is
doing?" the members of the club
asked one another.
"What?"
Hes sending over Meadows. his
own man.
There was no need to comment on
1t. The cool courage of the thing
spoke for itself. Meadows-Spugg's
own man-his house valet, without
whom he never Travelled 20 miles!
What elese was there to do?" said
Mr.. Spugg when Il asked him If it
was true that Meadows was going.
81 take no credit for sending Mea-
dows, nor, for the matter of thai.
for anything that Meadows may 70
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

| ver there. II was a simple matter
of duty. My son and I had him into
the dining room last night after
dinner. Meadows we said. Henry
and Williams are caught Our man
! power at the front has got to be
kept up. There's no one left but
ourselves and you. There's no way
out Of it. You'll have to go"
| But how" 1 protested, can you
| get along with Meadows. your valet,
/ gone? You1l be lost
I'VE must do the best we can.
We've talked it all over My son
will help me dress and I will help
him. We can manage, no doubt"
go Meadows went.
| After this Mr.. Spugg. dressed as
! best he could manage it, and taking
turn with his son in driving his own
motor. was q pathetic but uncom-
| planning object.
| Meadows meantime was reported
as with the heavy artillery, doing
well. Il hope nothing happens to
Meadows" Spugg kept saying. IF
it does we're stuck. We've talked 1t
| over and we've both decided that its
| impossible to get away from the of
| flee. We're buster than we've been
| in 10 years and can't get off for a
! day. We may try to take a month
off for the Adirondacks a little later,
but as for Europe, it's out Of the
question
! MEANTIME, one little bit of conso-
latiOn came TO help Mr.. Spugg to
| bear the burden of the war. I found
| him in the lounge room of the club
one afternoon among group of men.
exhibiting two medals that were be-
ing passed from hand to hand.
| Sent to me by the French gov.
eminent" he explained proudly
! They're for William and Henry. The
motto means. For Conspicuous Cour-
| age" (Mr. Spugg drew himself up
with legitimate pride). Il shall keep
one and let Alfred keep the other
| till they come back"
| From that day on. Mr.. Spugg with
| his French medal on his watch chain.
was the most conspicuous figure in
the club. He was pointed out as
| having done more than any other one
man in the institution to- keep the
| flag flying. But presently the limit
of Mr.. Spugg's efforts and sacrifices
was reached. Even patriotism such
as his must have some bounds.
On entering the club one after
| noon l could hear his voice bawling
| vociferously in one of the telephone
| cabinets in the hall. Hello, Wash
| ington," he was shouting. rs that
Washington? Long Distance. 1 want
Washington"
Fifteen minutes later he come up
| to the sitting room, still flushed with
indignation and excitement.
That's the limit" he said. "the
absolute limit"
whats the NATTER" asked.
"They drafted my son Alfred" he
answered. Just imagine it! When
we're SO busy in the office that we're
getting down there at half past eight
! in the morning! Drafted Alfred,
| Great Caesar l said to them! Look
here! You've had my chauffeur and
he's gassed, and you've bad my gar
dener and he's torpedoed and they're
both prisoners, and last month 1 sent
! you my own man! That 1 said. lis
about the limit
what did they say I asked.
! ooh, it's all right. They've fixed
! it all up and the local draft board
apologized as well. Alfred won't go.
of course, but it makes one realize
| that you can carry a thing too far.
| Why. they'd be taking me next"'
"Oh, surely not.' l said.
! Copyright. 1885,
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
Il HADN'T NO SOONER THAN ENTERED THE DOOR WHEN
WAS DASHED THE STOMACH SOME BLUNT INSTRUMENT"

Lardners of Niles, Mich, announced
the birth Of a fourteen-pound man
child. and almost on the same date
Twenty-Five years later, or maybe it
was 2Sth. of June. the Archduloe
These events occurred before
there were telephones or telegraphs
and the news of the Lardner's boys
birth had to be flashed to the world
by runners. Sparing no expense. the
parents hired Paavo Nurmi to notify
distant relatives and engaged Charlie
Paddock for the sprints. In less than
two weeks the Niles post Office be-
gan to be flooded with letters of all
kinds. most Of them being circulars
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

from strangers advocating the initial
lation of an oil heater. "They pay
for themselves in what you save on
COAL" was the general gist. But
there were also more personal letters
of which I will take the liberty of
printing one from Clarence Mackay:
Don't write. Telegraph! Flowers
telegraphed to all parts Of the world"
And one from a travel service COM
pany:
Il understand that your little boy
is contemplating a trip to Egypt and
l am writing to ask If you will not
help me to secure his booking and
plan an Independent trip for him. II
that is what he wants. l supply you
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
The autobiography of a Wonder Man Begins

with steamship tickets, issue trav-
elers' checks, letters of credit and
baggage insurance, ETC.
X X X X
A ND one from a hotel training
school in Washington, saying:
There is nationwide demand
for trained men and women in no.
tells, clubs, restaurants, cafeterias."
Also came a request from Eward
Box for the baby's autograph and a
letter from Ray Long, asking for
first chance at any short stories the
newcomer might write. Excitement
ran high and even to this day the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

first week in March is set aside in
Niles as "Have a Baby Week"
AS a result Of careful living and a
strict adherence to the doctors or
ders. the child was able to take his
first meal at table early in June.
Both the haute-and demimonde Of
Niles were asked in and when the
dishes had been cleared away, bath
tub was set in the middle of the room
and little Ring, au naturel, was
bathed in pure alcohol, the guests
afterward dipping pipes into the tub
and blowing soap bubbles. This
was in the days before they had
horses anVtdboats and when you
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
Importing" Plants.
THE Leningrad Institute of AppI

THE Leningrad Institute of Applied
l. Botany is organizing a series Of
expeditions to tropical countries for
the purpose of importing the seeds of
cereal plants which do not exist In
United States of Soviet Russia, but
can be successfully cultivated. Prof.
Burasov is at present studying the
cultures of potatoes, tomatoes. maize.
sunfower, etc, in the western Andes
of South America. Prof. Voronov is
at work in the Brazilian mountains,
studying the types of rubber trees thru
can stand severe climate.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

5000 elephants go every year to make
white keys for pianos. II this Is true.
what do you think of It?
Sincerely. T.. KLIPSE.
Answer: I think II shows how far
We have advanced in ira lining animals.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Did the ex-
preston money talks come from the
fact that there is wOInans head
on most of It? Yours truly.
T.. GILL.
Answer next week.
Copyright. 1920
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
NOBODY KNOWS HIM IN PHILADELPHIA"

that the richest people in New York
neglect their children. Tell me, is
this true? Yours truly,
ANN ARTIST.
Answer: What you heard is silly
Rich people do not neglect their chill
dren. They engage nurses to do that.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Yesterday a
friend of mine said: did you hear
about the flivver?" / said mo" He
said: IT'S the tin you love to touch. -
Please tell me is that the last fiivver
joke? Truly yours, JOE KING.
Answer: | hope so.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am opening a
clothing store and have been advised
to take out some fire insurance. WhGt
/ want to know IS this: Say hsd
$4,000 worth of stock and say I took
out 900 worth of insurance on
Monday and had a fire on Tuesday.
what would l get? Yours truly.
POLLA c. HOLDER.
Answer: You'd get 10 years in jail
Dear Mr.. Wynn: During our
natural history lesson. In school yes.
terday, our teacher said that about
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04

wanted to go from one town to an
other, you had to take a train.
(The next instailment Of this won
der work will appear next weekly
Copyright. 1850
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
Use of Electricity.

IN GA cities and towns Of this counr
try every house has electric light.
Salt Lake City, Utah, is the largest
city reporting its homes to be 100 perol
cent electrified. %
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
Il and George and So Fourth, of JULY

A s Ii Hung Chang, the famous
~ Chinese general, once said,
a Where there is fine. there is
4 4 smoke-unless it's in 4 kitch-
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-07-04
The Patriotic Sacrifices of Mr.. Spugg

THIS season Of patriotic holi-
days, in which my friend
l Spugg is always to be seen as
an earnest member of commit
, 1926-09-29

quarter, Section tw~enty-six. town
ship fifty-three, range n hundred
one, containing eighty acres, more
or less. And the west one-half of
the southeast one-quarter and the
southeast o~ne-quarter of the south
east one-quarter of section twenty
three N the northwest one-quarter
of the northeast one-quarter of sec
ton twenty-six, township %ifty-three,
north of range one hundred one
west of the 9th p. NJ, in Wyoming,
and the northeast one-quarter of
the southwest one-quarter OF sec
ton twenty-three, township fifty
three, north of range one hundred
one, west of the 9Th p. NJ. in Wy
oming. And beginning at the north
west corner of the northeast quar-
ter of the northeast quarter of sec
ton numbered twenty-six, township
fif~ty-three, north of range one hun
dred one, west, thence due east 931
feet; thence due south 46S feet;
thence due west 931 feet; thence
due north 46S feet to the point of
beginning.
Dated this 22nd day of septem-
Der, A. D. 1926.
ALICE WATKINS,
EXecutriX of the Last Will and
Testament of S. A. Watkins,
deceased.
Paul r. Greever and
Ernest j. Goppert,
Attorneys.
Henry Dahlem, Sheriff of
Park County, Wyoming.
First publication Sept. %, 1926.
Last publication October 27, 1926.
, 1926-09-29
NOTICE
OF ANNUAL STOCKHOLDERS
MEETING

The annual stockholders meeting
of the Cody Building & Loan as
ISOLATION will be held at the Park
County Court House, court room,
Friday, October l, 1926, at 1880 p.
m. for the purpose of electing nine
trustees to manage the affairs of
said association during the ensuing
year, and for the transaction of
such other business as may properly
come before said meeting.
CODY BUILDING C LOAN
ASSOCIATION
By D.. A. Tinkcom,
President.
Attest: Ernest J. Goppert,
(SEAL) Secretary.
, 1926-09-29
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION
Department of the Interior,
u. S. Land Office at
Lander. Wyoming,
September 10, 1926.
Notice is hereby given that

Notice is hereby given hat
WILLIAM c. LEATHERMAN
of Cody. Wyoming, who, on May
18th, 1928, made additional stock
raising homestead entry. No. 014007,
for Lots 5, 6, z, IL, II, %, Section
10; Lots 1894, Section IS, Town
ship 81 North, Range 104 West,
9Th Principal Meridian, has filed
notice of intention to make three
year proof, to establish claim to the
land above described, before Carl
NJ. Cox, u. S. Commissioner, at
Cody, Wyoming, on the 27th day
of October, 1926.
Claimant names as witnesses:
Andrew j. Martin. Albert Hartung,
Robert H. Looney and William H.
Kephart, all of Cody, Wyoming.
II. II. SCHWOOB,
Register.
First publication Sept. %, 1926.
Last publication October 20, 1926.
, 1926-09-29
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION
Department of the Interior,
U. S. Land Office at
Lander, Wyoming,
August 81, 1926.

Notice is hereby given that
ALBERT NJ. HILL,
of Clark, Wyoming, who on jan
uary 90, 1923, and August 5, 1924,
made original and additional home
stead entries. Nos. 014209 and
014475, for Lots 1, 6, ShNEH .
Section rs; Lots Z, 8, SEh NE u ,
E 1ASEA, Section "a; NEH MEL ,
EhSEH, Lot T., Section Is; Lots 1,
2. 8, 4, NhNEH, Section SO. Town
ship Sc North, Range 1O3 West, 9Th
Principal Meridian. has filed notice
of intention to make three year
proof. to establish claim to the
land above described, before Orilla
Downing, Clerk, of the Court, at
Cody, Wyoming, on the 14th day
of October, 1926.
Claimant names as Witnesses:
George Head, John H.. Jones. both
of Cody, Wyoming; Willard Hogan,
Arthur Braten, both of Clark, Wy
oming.
H. H. SCHWOOB,
Register.
First publication September 8, 1926
Last publication october G., 1926
, 1926-09-29
NOTICE FOR PUBLICATION
Department of the Interior.
U. S. Land Office at
Lander, Wyoming,

Lander, Wyoming,
August 81, 1926.
Notice is hereby given that
JOHN H. JONES
of Cody, Wyoming, who on March
10, 1922, made stock-raising home
stead entry, No. O1299O, for Lot A.,
NhNEA, SEANEA, Section 25;
ShSEH, EhNEA, Section "a;
ShSEA, NEAsEA, Section 10,
Township 55 North, Range 103
West; Lots 5, 6. 4, s, NE Il NV g,
Section 10, Township SIS North,
Range 102 West. 9Th Principal
Meridian, has filed notice of inten-
ton to make three year proof, to
establish claim to the land above
described, before Orilla Downing,
Clerk of Court, at Cody, Wyoming,
on the 18th day of October, 1926.
Claimant names as witnesses:
George Head, of Cody. Wyoming;
Albert NJ. Hill. Willard Hogan and
Arthur Braten, all of Clark, Wyo-
ming.
H. H. SCHWOOB,.
Register.
First publication September 8. 1926
Last publication October g.. 1926
, 1926-09-29
English Prof.-correct this Sc,

English Prof.-Correct this SEN
tence: Before any damage could be
done the fire vas put out by the
volunteer fire department"
Frosh.-"The fire was put out
before any damage could be done
by the VOLUNTEER fire department.
1t is said that the money re-
ceived from Russia by the Miners
Federation is tainted. Well. Tain't
ours.