davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
HAIR

Class Conducted by Herbert Rooston
 Class: "Oh, teacher, quick brush up your 100-kilowatt intellect and give us a spiel on hair"
 Teacher; Hair is what keeps the manufacturers of combs in busi- ness"
 Class: "It is good for anything?"
 Teacher: Tt is useful for stnffing mattresses. While it still aderns the human dome, 1t is of no use what ever. While men have hair, they go to the barber shop to have 1t cut off. When they lose it, they go to the barber shop to make it grow"
 Class: Do women have their hair cut, too?"
 Teacher: "Yes. Women have their hair cut because it's more conven- tent that way. Since women started cutting their hair, the number of beauty parlors has been multiplied by ten."
 Class: What does that prove??"
 Teacher: That bobbed hair re- quires less care"
 Class: "Is it true that gentlemen prefer blondes?"
 Teacher: "Ycs. They also prefer brunettes." ...
 Class: "Supposing a persons hair were coming out. Could you recom- mend something to keep it in?"
 Teacher: Almost any sort of box will do."
 Class: "Is it true that baldhead- edness is Q sign of brains?"
 Teacher: "Well, there's more meat in a cocoanut than there is in a stone"
 Class: '1s the head the only place where hair is found?"
 Teacher: "No. It is also found in the lapels of ready-made coats and on the floors of barber shops"
 Glass: "Is it true that since prohi- bition some men drink hair tonic? 9"
 Teacher: "Yes, but 1t doesn't mat ter. It goes to the head, anyhow"
 Class: This has been a charming session, dear teacher. We hope you're not tired"
 Teacher: No. Come in again whenever you feel up to it."
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

of reform by a sarcastic limerick?
 Mrs. Harry Porter Dear Mrs. Porter: Glad to be oi assistance. Will this help?- There was cross person named
 Porter Who drank bit more than he
 orter;
 The poor wretch, deranged, Cried out, Get me changed!" He fancied that he was a quarter! Dear MT. Judell My boss name Is Tharp. He whistles one tune all the while he's working. It gets on my nerves. Can you write a limerick that, would serve as a hint?
 Rose P. Demeyer Dear R. P. D.: Judge for yourself There was young fellow named
 Tharp, Who hummed in the key of G
 sharp;
 He hummed night and noon At one lone, single tune He's playing it now on harp! Copyright, 1926. Reproduction
 Forbidden)
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
thing.

thing.
 Both Chief Justice Taft and "the usually grim" Justice Vant- eventer let their disabilities get the better of them when counsel for the appellant claimed that the crea- ton of a park board to take over his property "deprives the citizens of a republican government"
 Just a matter of interest how" inquired the grim Justice Vanteventer. When counsel began to explain Justice Taft interrupted with query whether it was all right with the state of Connecticut. Getting an affirmative response, a little discussion took place between the justices, followed by the cryptic announcement, "We don't care to hear any more."
 Small wonder that the learned counsel for the Waterbury man later surmised that the high court would affirm the decision of the Connecticut courts.
 And why motif a park board has no right to condemn and buy property for park purposes when necessary the rights of cities to such tracts would be violently curtailed; in fact, entirely vitiated. This would be a blow to the collective rights of citizens who would benefit from the parks.
 Taking this case to the Supreme court was one of those things which look brave and bold; but, as indi- cated by the scant five minutes al lotted to the argument" the time of the nations highest court is far too valuable to fuss with cases of private pique against municipal rights.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Vanities, Scandals, and FolIics!

Vanities, Scandals, and FolIics! Matt A. Dewitt is very mild; An eyen-tempered man is he; It's funny, though he's very calm, That Matt is always M. A. D.,
 Esther V. Mitchell When Bert A. Riley took wife The lady shouted near and far, "Td like 10 see old Volstead try To take away MY B. A. RI"
 John Schoenberger Roy r. Delaney carries mall, And he Is sore as he can be; He wants to get city job But always must be R. F. D.
 Beatrice Flanagan George o. Bowdoin, strange to re- late,
 Has never seen the deep, blue sea; Has never set a foot on a boat, Yet he's a first-class G. 0. B.!
 Lewis B. Corbit When Frank 4. Durkee was divorced His eX-wife said, said she, Good bye! Good tuck. With me you're just A passing F. A. D."
 Wilton A. Pritchard
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Observation On He Weather

Washington, Dec. 2.-Forecast for Southern New England: Fair to- night, colder in eastern Massachu- sets. Friday fair. slowly rising temperature. Fresh north winds.
 Forecast for Eastern New York: Fair tonight; Saturday partly cloudy with rising temperature; moderate north winds.
 Conditions: A strong area of high pressure centers over Ontario and extends southward to the Gulf region. It is producing much colder temperatures and high winds in all sections east of the Mississippi river.
 An area of low pressure centes over the northern Rocky mountain region and temperatures are rising rapidly from plains states westward to the coast.
 Conditions favor for this vicinity fair weather with lower tenpera- ture.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

vaudeville craze, mixed picnics. The Rule shop whistle blew at 5:S0 o'clock last night and a large crowd thought there was a fire. A boy told them it was at Corbins | and was big one, and they hustled that way, only to learn that the whistle really meant there would be no night school. The crowd was disappointed as it wished to attend a fire.
 Carmody Council, K. of C., elected the following officers last night: Grand knight, William F, Delaney; deputy grand knight, James F. Mar tin; chaplain, Rev. Father O'Con- nor; chancellor, James R. Halloran: warden, Francis Kiernan; recorder, Maurice J. Murphy; financial secre- tary John McDermott; treasurer. William c. Wall; lecturer, Frederick J. Nave; advocate, B. F. Gaffney; inside guard, A. Willett; outside guard, Michael O'Neill; trustees. Jo- seph Ryan, Thomas Egan, William Cogan, J. B. Coailey, and Daniel Kilduff.
 Damage of s400 was done by fire in Adolph Puppels house at 95 Kelsey street this morning. The horses were tuckercd from the long run and the drivers wisely did not force the steeds.
 At the bf-weekly meeting of the Woman's club yesterday afternoon Mrs. William F. Brooks reported on the meeting of the state federation in New Haven.
 The Young Peoples society of the South church will be in charge of the ladies' night program at the Y. M. c. A. On the reception com mittee will be Charles r. Scott and F. Gertrude Rogers.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Sense in Buying Gifts
Being Compendium of Good Advice By Ye Old Time Editor Who Probably Lived When Shakespeare Was Young and Was the First to Advise Folk to Avoid the Last Minute Rush By Making Purchases Early.

Ye Editor who dipped his quill
 into a brew of ink and after brain-
 bulging cogitation evolved a "new
 and originar editorial designed to
 induce 8 thoughtless public to do its
 Christmas shopping early - this
 worthy grand master of journalism,
 we will say without fear of being
 haled before the beak for contempt
 of court or being charged with
 maleficent malpractice, lived during
 Bill Shakespeare's time and lies
 buried in Westminster Abbey.
 This hoary and polished-pated
 public servant bent over an Eliza
 bethan desk, shook his goose-quill and after due effort handed the fol-
 lowing to the town printer:
 ZEE IT KNOWN TO ALL MEN:
 "Merry Yuletide again hears, with it's promise of happiness and good cheer and a merrie time.
 Tt is meet that we partake of some common sense about our preparations for this significant event; and in no way can we oblige ourselves better than going to the shoppes and selecting, buying and paying for our gifts early, before the sophisticates of the townes and the ribald provincials from the counties mix in final hour effort to do a duty that Is better per formed early than late.
 "OlH enterprising shopkeepers hire extra help in direct proportion to the number of shopping days be- fore the dawn of the Merrie Day, and of course, 1t Is always possible to get service of a kind even to the stroke of midnight on the eve before the gladstone holiday. That Is sound theory by the shopkeep- CTS. who know the closer Christi mas comes the more man realizes that gifts must be bought. The purchaser must be thought of at any cost, and he Is never forgotten, no matter how negligent he may be in considering his own interests.
 But from the angle of the buyer it has its draw backs In our day, when women have proven themselves competent to handle money with the facility of bank clerks-in fact, they handle all the money in some families, greatly to the advantage of the family ex- is these blessed repre- of the fairer sex who must be thought of. They are ill., fated, by nature and design, to spf fer as laSt-mlnute shoppers. Women | are better shoppers than men and they do most of the buying; they | possess eXquisitely good sense when | they face the shopmen's sellers and few if any shopkeepers can dispose of bad bargains to these beautiful holders of family purse-strings. | Their common intelligence is telling | hem with greater force every year hat the best time to buy gifts is 70 buy them early. when stocks are new and fresh, and when there is | , lack of that incipient hurly-burly | which just before Christmas tends ,o subtract some of the joy from the annual event.
 "Men, too, have their problems at Yuletide. All but the most unfor- tunate of men have wives; all but he most forsaken have sweethearts. |
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
make it all English.

make it all English.
 In Britain the parliamentarians and the newspapers always say "the government are" doing this and that; or corporation "have" charged high prices, instead of saying has" charged. Plural verbs are as com- mon as briar pipes In England. In America we avoid them on general principles,
 But, as stated already, some of our college professors like the Brit ish manner and stick up for it even to the extent of adding the silent "u" to such words as favour" and ''lahour.'
 That's probably why the Burling- ton has obtained varying opinions from the universities If it sticks to plain American it will use 'is."
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

1 They have mothers yet allVe, GOd
 bless them. And they perchance
 have daughters, sisters and nieces
 to love or think we'll of. Some, even, | have mistresses, which seems all too
 common in these piping times of Queen Elizabeth.
 'Why not, men, make 1t a point
 to be of keen wit and possess an
 alert manner? Why not avoid the
 onerous last moments, with their in
 evitable risk of overlooking a pur- chase or an important dame in the
 family? The horror of 1t all is self evident to all who have experienced 1t.
 Some men, indeed, count them selves happy if called upon to assist their excited superior halves in making the essential purchases with which to commem morate the day. They are happier still, however. if their wives ask them to attend to this essential of Yuletide labor be- fore the shoppes are beehives and the men and women in them frayed and drowsy.
 "Then there is the question of be- ing humane to the shop assistants. They are fellow human beings. Dur ing December they are loaded with care and dread the final days before the Christmas holiday with grew some misgivings. In some cases they suffer ill-health, extreme weariness and nausea, harboring a secret malevolence against the joy ous season because of the terrible strain 1t yields them.
 And all because of the custom of neglecting to buy gifts early. If everyone made an honest effort to make all necessary purchases early in the month instead of waiting until the closing days of the gift buying season, what a sea of trouble it would avoid!
 Those who shop early are wise from every standpoint. They wake up Christmas morning fresh and lacking that tired and l wilted attitude which is the inevit- able coneemitant of rushing around | a few days before like a fox chased | by hounds.
 We take 1t that this advice Is sound and will be followed by all | citizens having their interests close at heart. Let there be the quintes- sence of joy this Christmas, not a feeling like a hangover from an ale party.
 We have done our bounden duty in calling attention to this pressing and acute seasonal problem. It therefore is of value that every man and woman will accordingly come to the aid of conscience and the hearkening of duty by making a list of kin and kinsfolk, with notations as to what each is to receive as a token of the season, and hurrying to the kens of the shopkeepers.
 "A task thus performed need not be done again, worries evaporate and the joyous Yuletide will hurry on finding all preparations con- pleted fo ra resounding reception and gladsome entertainment by the side of the flickering lights on the Yuletide tree.
 "Wisdom suggests quick ac1ion."
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

As we go to press they haven't yet found the man whom 8 billboard persuaded to buy something. About the only thing Europe and Uncle Sam agree on is the improb- ability that Europe will pay.
 One great lesson taught by peace Is that the only safe time to steal from your country is during war.
 The Puritans had their winter troubles, very few of which were as annoying as clinkers.
 A dominating personality isn't worth 0 great deal when you need to cash a check in a strange town.
 America is to have pink ele- phant, and doubtless this is the last sly effort of the Volstead crowd.
 History repeats itself. When the first Europeans came over, the na- tives bowed down and treated them as gods.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
WORLDS FAIRS SIMPLY
 ARE PASSE

ANIl tIASSL
 The demise of the Sesquicenten. nial exposition as "the worlds most colossal worlds fair failure" seems to have proven beyond a doubt that the day of worlds fairs is over.
 To the present generation they lack the kick" that came with them in the days before automobiles, radio and movies.
 People nowadays have satisfactory amusement upon all sides of them and at a comparatively low price. There is nothing In connection with a worlds fair that astonishes them to greater extent than what they are accustomed to almost every day.
 A short trip in an automobile brings them to hills and mountains, and they gape in awe at the boun- tiful aspects of nature; or to the seashore, and they enjoy the sonor- ous symphony of the blue-tipped horizon.
 They enter a theater and with pleasure note the drama of action on silent screen, listen to as good music as they care to hear, and feel that they get their moneys worth.
 Or they fuss with the dials and instantly are transported to realms of artistry hundreds, or thousands, of miles away.
 The biggest sensation at the Gen. tennial exposition in 1876 was the telephone; people wouldn't believe talking over wires was possible un- less they saw the instrument with their own eyes, saw the speakers, or perchance tried the devilish in- strument with their own ears.
 Today almost everybody Is per fectly at home holding a converse ton over the sensational instrument of 1sTe.
 If any further proof were needed of the waning power of expositions one need merely to compare the figures of the last four worlds fairs, which will more completely denote the fiasco in Philadelphia.
 In Chicago, in 1893, s27,000,0 was spent on the Worlds Colum- bian Exposition and 27,000,000 visi- tors attended, although there was population of only 100000 in a radius of 150 miles.
 In St. Louis, in 1904, s26,0Oo,oOO was spent and only 19,00O,OO0 at tended. The immediate area had a population of 3,2OO,OOO.
 In San Francisco in 1915 the Pan- Pacific exposition cost s20,600,000, and 1S,0o0,000 attended. The popu- lation within an area of 150 miles was only 1.SoGOOO.
 At the Philadelphia Sesquicen- tennial sg3,00O,0O0 was spent, and there were more than 100000 people living within an area of 15o miles. Yet the attendance was less than 4,000.OO0 persons.
 Philadelphia itself has popula- ton of about 2,000,O00 persons; it is said more than half the city's people did not think enough of the exposition to go near it. Even the hundreds of thousands of "tin can tourists. the localism for automo- bile tourists who pass through the city annually, seemed to avoid rather than visit the exposition. An attendance of less than 100000 in a city situated at the heart of the most densely populated area in the United States was indeed distressing.
 Philadelphia will not hear the last of the exposition for long time. The buildings were erected in q hurry and cost much money. Rumors of graft are rife. City poll ties in Philadelphia this winter are slated to be intensely interesting. with some scandal talk already in sight,
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
AND THE COURT SMILED

A litigant in Waterbury. who ob- jected to the city taking over DOT tion of his property for park pur- poses, and who had sufficient loose change to take his case through the Superior and state Supreme courts, finally landing 1t in the l. s. su- premei coGrt, must be wondering if by any possibility "broad smile" by the highest tribunal means any
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

A surgeon can remove almost anything except the patients foolish faith in operations.
 Some use smuggled arms as a means of getting out of the peni- tentiary, and some are wealthy enough to use broken health.
 Those who insist that Al couldn't carry the South are divided as fol- lows: Democrats, 3 per cent; Re- publicans, 97 per cent.
 It must be nice to be a king in a land where somebody else is im- portant enough to be the target.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Gx9S-. 31@S5A4qb S@5A' 3
 MAxs0N ExEau NQU
Send all communications to Fun Shop Editor, care Of the New Britain Herald, and your letter will be forwarded to New York.
MxS0WEMKlu EQ0

Our Christmas Shopping Service "What'll give that girl of mine ?"
 is every mans complaint, We'll, take tip from us, men, the
 surest bet is Paint, They like to color pictures. the two-
 year olds to the twelves, And after that their fayorite sport
 is coloring themselves.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Strongheart, the Pup
This Side of Paradise

This Side of Paradise "I wish some stamps, please" said the sweet young thing at the post office window.
 "Yes, ma'am. What denomina- tion?" asked the clerk. Methodist. But what has that to do with it?" she replied.
 Marion l.. Burns ON THE LIN-LIM-LIME
 SHOREi We Make Limericks To Order Dear Sir:
 My husband this name 1. Pcrter) gets the queerest notions when he gets fried. Can you aid my campaign
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Member Audit Bureau of Circulation.

The A. B. c. Is national organization which furnishes newspapers and adver- ti,ers with . strictly honest analysis of circulation. Our circulation statistics gre based upon this audit This insures protection againS. fraud In newspaper distribution figul co to both national and local advertisers.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

Correct this sentence: He some- times lies awake for an hour" said the wife, but he never claims next morning that he didn't sleep a wink"
 (Protected by Publishers syndicatel
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
u.,,,,,, q, fin. .s.oc,o,ed pres..

Member of the Associated Press. The Associated Press is exclusively en- titled to the use for republication of all news credited to 1t or not otherwise credited ,n this paper and also local news published therein.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
A Baby In Your Home

TAousandI Of oopise os . ner hook by Dr. H. VII 4ldms arc bsInG distributed to women without cost Erery woman who wants children sho,ild read this book and learn all about eTERIIfoHA ahd iu sanderful sfees in con- stltutionai wsskness Many thirse arc unfelded tat tAs svkAgs woman hn n.yer been told befc-s For Fres Book send NO Mcney NO OhiiEtions simply name snd sddfoa' to pr. =, = " Es, ~ 1888
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

A minority party has one advan- tage. It needn't spend so much for whitewash.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Don't Mention It

Jackson: Twins, eh? What did you call them?"
 Briggs: "Oh, lots of things, but I'm getting used to them now"
 Andrew Cromelin
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
Misunderstood

Misunderstood Raymond (waiting patiently): "Is your daughter coming out this win ter?"
 Her Father: Shell come out when she gets good and ready, and if you get fresh about it. I'll knock your block off"
 Mother R.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

The Herald is on sale daily in New York at Hotalings Newsstand, Times Square; Schultz's Newsstands. Entrance Grand Central 4.nd Street.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
TELEPHONE CALLS Business Ofice .... Sz5 Editorial Rooms .... sie

The only profitable advertising medium ,r the City Circulation books and press room aIVays open to advertisers
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

A pacifist is one who knows Just what steps he'll take to get rich the next time there is war.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

Doing the same work in five days should be a relief It isn't nee essary 10 think up so many ways to kill time.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

Note to dads: It Is much easier to dominate the boy If you are more
 manly than he is.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

The trend of population indicates that the COWS and chickens have less appeal than calves.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

Among the things that make life drab and dreary are unrequited love and having once been football hero.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
FdctsnndFancies
 BY ROBERT CULLEN

the old folks, but proud of those who are dead.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
New Britain Herald
lALn PUBLlsAINo ooMPAN4

rasssd Daily lsunday Excspted) At Herald Bldg. s7 Church Street.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02
WORDS THAT HAVE MADE HISTORY

 Tho said, the
  
  To all of there halt
  through history
   O a  1t, - COUPON 0. want of HIS . in hostage sam o coin for same NAME  IClTY 9ATB | am a reader of the
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

natsssd st the Post once st New Britain e Second Class Mall Matter.
New Britain herald., 1926-12-02

6UBeCKIPT1O1 RATEB ss.ee . Year.
 33.oo Three Aontha
 - 7kc. . Month.
The Key West citizen. [volume] (Key West, Fla.) 1879-current, 1926-04-30
APPROVES PLAN
FOR COMPLETION
OF MAINE PARK

HAVANA, April 29.-Secretary
of Public Works Cespedes has ap-
proved plan for the embeIlish-
ment and completion of Maine
Park, surrounding the Maine
monument, which will be COM
pleted as soon as the Havana
Electric Company can move its
tracks over to the base of the
slope of Santa Clara Battery, thus
leaving the entire space surround
ing the park unmarried by the car
traffic, and the drive surrounding
the monument win be broadened
and connections made with streets
leading INTO the Vedado.