davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

room, asked was there anything !
could do for her, found she would
fancy little cake and tea, and then j
left her in privacy while was doing
so, the bell rung again, and this time
who would it be only that Mabel
Bush, the one that's married to Joe
Bush of the Hawthorne Club.
Well, at first ! thought where Ma
bel must of been shopping, on account
she had something with her from pref
ty near every department of the En-
porium. But no, she was merely 60
ing away for a coupla weeks and had
brought some stuff she wanted to park
with me while she was gone.
Say dear, she says when she had got
her breath, I wonder would you mind
taking care of my goldfish while 1 and
Joe is out in Kansas visiting mother.
He's n real sweet little Teller, amt
you, Otto? See how cute he is, Jen-
ME? And he don't bite or anything
unless he's crossed. With that she
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

NHUTTER-What's the matter
AVA with you Mr.. humble, you seem
rather stuck-up lately.
Mumble-I'vc got a right to be, l
just discovered that none Of my an
cestors came over to this country on
the Mayflower.
Mutter-Is that so? ! didn't know
that the immigration laws were so
strict in those days.
Mumble-Don't be silly; do YOU
know my ancestors waited for the
next boat?
Mutter-Sure. 1t was the only one
that had steerage accommodations.
Mumble-well, my forefathers
didn't meet any Of your relatives on
the way over.
Nutter--I don't doubt it. Mine
were up with the first class passen-
gers.
Mumble-My great-great- grandfath-
er didn't wait for a boat, he swan to
America.
Mutter-Don't be ridiculous Do
you know what it would take for n
man to swim from England to this
country?
Misunderstanding. Water.
Mutter-I don't believe he swan the
ocean.
Mumble-Listen, you can say what
ever you like TO me, but don't you
dare call my grandfather a liar.
Mutter-I've never been able to
read anything about him in history.
Mumble-well, it's not my fault
that you're illiterate.
Mutter-who was your great-great-
grandfather?
Mumble-A famous warrior.
Mutter-Wbo did he fight with!
humble - Ny great-great- grand.
mother.
Mutter-Didn't be ever battle tho
Indians?
Misunderstanding. He's the man
who made Sitting Bull sit down.
Mutter-He must have been a brave
man.
Mumble-He was. Every time he
breathed, a redskin dropped dead.
Mutter-Tbat's too bad.
Mumble-Wbat's too bad?
Mutter-That he had halitosis.
Mumble-He was a marvel with an
arrow.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

AS Sir Walter Raleigh said, when
spreading his coat over the mud
puddle for Queen Elizabeth, "Step on
It, kid, this is your lucky day, and
mine, too. / only regret that have
but one coat to lay down for my
pountry.-
And how true It is that some things
they do, certainly was proved to me
bring you luck. providing you believe
not long ago when I luckily picked up
the telephone receiver on n busy wire
and heard that the cook was leaving
over at Mics Demeanorie. i was lucky
and quick enough TO beat all the other
ladies in Dinglevood TO hiring her.
The cooks, if any, which We have
had this past yr. have positively ere
ated q draft going through our kitch-
en-, that's how fast they went. And
now, quite by q accident, ! run across
the fact that this cook was leaving, 50
naturally ] ran across and asked
would she come to us, and she said she
would, and % / went right on back
home and scrubbed the kitchen floor,
washed the windows, tied red bows on
the kitchen curtains, moved the ocst
easy chair, radio and fiye-foot book
shelf cut there, also a few little other
Odds and ends into her quarters su,h
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

Mutter-What do you mean, died Of
insomnia?
Mumble-He was shot in his sleep.
Mutter-How did you know he was
shot in his sleep?
Mumble-Because be was dead
when he woke up.
Mutter-Was he killed by an enc
my?
Misunderstanding, do you think it
was n friend?
Mutter-Then your great-great-
grandfather didn't die with his boots
on?
Mumble-Yes, as luck would have it
he always wore his shoes to bed.
Mutter-Where did they bury him?
Mumble-In the ground.
Mutter-Sure. but in what state
did they bury him?
Mumble-An unconscious one.
Mutter-Did he leave his widow
much?
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
Ring Lardner.
Hands Out Snappy Names In Response
to Deluge of Two Requests
by Postcard

member of the finny tribe as l call it
and still seemed appropriate to a
hotel, though personally I can't see no
objection to Founder Inn If the guests
is going to be anything like old times.
According to the information I re-
ceive by radio from points west Of
Pittsburgh, the only 2 names so far
suggested is Four Flags Inn and Pride
Inn. The former I am told is based
on the rumor that OF one time another
site of the hostelry has been under
four different flags, probably the Span
ish, French, American and Auc-
tioneer's. Pride Inns claim is based
on the thesis that the new hotel is
the pride of the town, out this SUPPOSE
ton will be bitterly contested by
friends of Doc BONNIE, Mr. Plym, Sam
Quimby and myself, to say nothing
about admirers of the new Main st.
bridge, the new post office, which is
right across Fourth st. from the hotel,
and the new high school bldg.
Well, after considerable elaboration
] have hit on name which bears all
the pockmarks of a genius having
thought it up and the boys and girls
are welcome to the Use Of 1t as a
memorial gift to my native city. The
name is Opp Inn.
Opp Inn. Could they be any more
hospitable salutation? 1t is the greet
ing of benevolent gents to fair trails
when the gents, driving down Fifth
avenue, Michigan Boulevard, Suffer
st. or a country road. see the last
named painfully limping along on
crampcd dogs and draw up beside
them in spirit of pure humanitarian
ism.
"Yes," my critics will say, "but
why not Climb Inn or Get Inn or
Come Imp" Because, dear friends.
none Of those names tells the half of
it. When stranger comes to town
and desires lodgings at the new hos.
telry he will not have to ask his way.
Unless he is the acme of dumb bells,
he will know without asking that the
Opp Inn must be opp. the post office.
Further and more, Opp might easily
be the name of n fish. 1t sounds
like name a fish would pick out
for himself. And last but not lease,
one Of the Oldest and most highly re-
spected families of Niles was the
oppins which they sometimes spelled
with q II.
PARK HAS CHOICE.
That matter disposed of we can turn
to my other postcard which is from
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
TO the editor:

To the editor:
A couple of weeks ago the present
(and pleasantly writer done big SER
vice to the citizens Of the town where
he lives by giving them some good sug-
gestions for a new name for their main
street. The suggestions must OF been
good because they seem to of put a
quietus on the whole argument. Since
the article was printed i have been
deluged with at least postcards from
folks wanting assistance along the
same lines and will take this oppor-
tunity of rendering same.
The first request is from a friend
in Niles, Mich, noted as the birthplace
of Abraham Lincoln. Doc Bonine, my.
self and innumerable cats and dogs.
1t seems like they have got a brand
new million and no hundreds dollars
hotel on the site Of the famous old
Pike House where they used to serve a
special Sunday dinner at which the
piece of most resistance was chicken
a la roach, and also where they held a
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
Ring Consents to Aid Christenings
Rino Lnxdner-

for 4 vile. but at last, when the
discovered that the 2 kiddies was a
ways together when you wanted thcr.
hit on the idear of naming them eac
Tom and always calling both Of the
at once.
Mr.. Park might do worse than na,d
his first few children White Rircl
Garfield, Brookside, Military, 81
Clair and University. in honor Of dill
ferent indianapolis parks and when
became nessary, he could call on par.l
from other cities. christening the mex
dozen Hyde, Central, Rock Greet
Golden Gate, Humboldt, WilIoi
Grove. Paramount, Schenlcy, Forcs
Laurel. Washington and Jackson. AM
if worst kept getting worse he coul'
help himself to a few of the ball park
like Shibe, Fenway, Sportsman
Comiskey and even Cub.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
lAdYerti.emenfl
ADVERTISEMENT
TINY GLAND
MAKES MEN
GET UP NIGHTS

Do you know that very high per-
centage Of all men Of mature years are
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such a. pains in the back and legs, fire.
quent nightly risings. general debility
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But at last there Ia a treatment for this
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This treatment IL perfectly harmless, and
70 marvellous have been Its results that
for q short time it Is being offered Abxo-
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mail Full Sized Sample Package Bu.
act al once e. this offer is made for a
short time only. Write today to PAI,NO
LABORATORIES. Dept 4i4-W, Battle
Creek. Mich.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

a NJ long mirror. my best bedroom
slippers. and etc. to make her feel
thoroughly comfortable.
THE CONQUERING COOK COMES
Well, the next morning, which was
when we was expecting her, ! fixed
myself up as attractive as possible and
sat down to wait for her. Pretty soon
the doorbell give a loud ring, and my
Heart give a ditto leap, and / thought,
Oh heavens, there she is and hurried
to answer. Well, it was, actually che
had showed. ] took her bags, and car
med them upstairs and showed her her
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

name was a Miss Kettle and the hus-
band was Mr.. Drum. Came several
kiddies to curse the home. The first,
girl was christened Beta. The Sec
ond, a boy, was baptized Fife n.
Drum. The third, girl, was named
Clarinet n. Drum and goes under the
nicknames of Clara and Kettle. The
fourth, another girl mot the same
girlD. is Snare. And finally what
should pop up but a pair Of male
ed Corn. A boy might be baptized
twins and the parents was puzzled
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
Mutter and humble

Mumble-Yes, he was away fro
home all the time.
Mutter-Wns he very young wh'
he died?
Mumble-No, he lived to be a Ri
old age.
Mutter-Is that so, how old?
Mumble-Ninety-eight.
Mutter-He wasn't a ripe old az
he was over-ripe.
Mumble-He just missed the cel
fury.
Mutter-Don't be absurd, the
didn't have trains that long ago.
Mumble-Every time I think of n
ancestors i nearly burst with pride.
Muttcr-That's great, but isn't
q shame?
Mumble-Isn't what a shame?
Mutter-That your grandchildr'
won't have anything to swell 4
about.
Copyright. 1925. King Features Syn, m
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
ONE SUPERSTITION LEFT.

Well, naturally there wasn't nothing
10 do except tell the truth. And so
when Mabel come home, and was
over there to her house with every
thing ready for her like she had asked,
and she soys how lovely and neigbbor-
ly Of you, dear, I'm afraid it's been a
terrible lot f bother. Why, Of course
/ says, not in the least, darling, it's
been no bother at all. it's been a pleas
sure. But, / says, got bad news for
you, / lost your opal pin, dear, not
that I'm one bit superstitious, but it
certainly brought me bad luck all the
while it was with me, and low it's
gone.
And she says, why Jennie Jules, she
says, 1t was never there at all, l
didn't leave It there, took II along
with me, after all, On account Of the
way you kidded me about being super
stitious,
And / give her one look. No,
says, meaning yes. So you never left
It! j says. Well, guess there is one
superstition l do believe in, after all.
which is that when a PERSONS nose
itches it means they are going to kiss a
fool, and 80, il you've got a mirror
handy, ] believe III get the job over
with right now.
(coDyright 1875. b. Republic Syn. Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

scribes himself as a chiropodist. Mr..
Park is an expectant father, not of
one child, but a plethora. He is al
ready worring in regards to their
names and has called on me for
help.
Well, as luck would have it. was
talking to Mr.. Dudley Digges. the
actor, few days ago and he told
me about family he knowed back
in Ireland who the wife's maiden
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
I and George = By Nina Wilcox Putnam

fish Of exactly the same pattern,
ordered it kept down in the fish de-
partment of the Emporium until Ma
bel got ready TO come back. 1t was
just as well, anyways, on account the
new cook claimed she never could of
stood the noise It didn't make.
WELCOMING THE HORSESHOE.
Now Of course I wasn't one bit
supcrstitious about them opals being
in the house, but i have to admit
commenced dropping teaspoons right
after Mabel parked her stuff with me.
Not that l believe it really is unlucky
to drop a spoon, but once got the
idea, why l felt there wouldn't be
any actual harm in doing everything
1 could to counteract the thought.
And so it was certainly rather cheer
ing when Junior brought in a nice
horseshoe with three nails in it. /
had a good time gliding it up. AMI
painting a few forget-me-nots on it,
SOS nobody would think anything Pc
culiar when I hung it up over the
parlour mantel.
And nobody did, not even when by
accident in hanging it, I happened to
brush Mabels peacock fan off the
mantel and into the open fire. l felt
awful bad about this, and what to do
certainly was the question. 1t was one
thing to page a new gold fish, but not
a soul I knew kept even one pea
cock, and so the only thing 1 couli
hope for, was that Mabel had all her
stuff well insured.
I wouldn't want to lay the blame
on any of Mabel's belongings, am not
that kind of fool, but it's the truth
that the very day ! bought a picture
postal of a peacock in order to make
things up to Mabel the best 1 could,
why somebody, the cat, so the cook
said, left the dining room window open,
and let Mabel's fern freeze, and of
course the only one Of the same style
our florist had in stock was twice as
big and four times as expensive. But
that didn't matter so bad, because all
would have to do when she come
back would be to say look, dear, what
care / have taken of your
plant, just see how it has grown and
etc.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

Hurry Mother, Even n feverish,
bilious or constipated child loves the
pleasant taste of California Fig
Syrup" This gentle, harmless laxa-
tive never fails to sweeten the stomach
and open the bowels. A teaspoonful
today may prevent a sick child to-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

When Mr.. Park finally runs out
those kind of names, what is to pr
cent him from selecting names perth
ont TO his procession! A daught'
might be christened Cornelia and cal
Bunion and called Bunny. Anoth'
boy might be named Callous and Gale
Cal. And the last one, we hope, coul
be christened Ingrowing Nails an
called Ingy.
Copyright, 1925, By the Bell Synd
cote, Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

hauled out one Of the meanest look
ing goldfish 1 ever saw in my life. 1t
give me a awful funny look right off,
but naturally I merely says why hello,
Otto, nice Otto, pretty Teller, of course
III take care Of him Mabel, what does
he eat? oh, fish-cskes, she says, or
any old thing. Now go to your Aunt
Jennie, Otto, that's the boy.
MABEL DODGES THE JINX.
Wen, 1 took his glass globe and put
it on the table, a little uneasy over
how the new cook would feel about
another mouth to feed after / had told
her there was only three in the fam
ily. But before I got a chance to do
any heavy worrying Mabel had pulled
a wild looking fern out from a hand
bag, and set the poor helpless thing
at my feet. There, She says. I'm
sure you won't mind looking after
that, all you got to do is water it once
a day with double-filtered water, brush
its leaves, pick the spiders and seeds
off it, and give it little sunshine.
Then before l had a chance to kick
she was after me with another coupll
bundles. This is just the canary, she
says, and here, my dear, is ny pea
cock fan and my opal pin. OF course,
I'm not bit superstitious, but l al
ways say there is no use taking silly
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
HITS ON NAME.

Well. they don't want to call the
new edifice the Pike House because
that name is still banded about in a
lewd way by gray bearded travelling
men. They was talk for a vile Of
naming it after another fish, but this
idear was dropped when nobody could
think up a title that signified some
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
LUCK LOOKS Up.

That number. Of course. didn't
sound awful good to me, but says 10
myself, now don't be silly, it is a
pure coincidence, you go get that cat
just the same. So / did, and there
was a ladder standing over the front
door when I got there. Not that
minded this any more then poison
and naturally / hadn't come all that
long way in order to be turned back
by q mere childish superstition. So
went under the ladder and Knocked
on the door, and after a while some.
body put their head out the window
and says what do you want! And /
says, Mary. that's my cook, at lea. t
she was when left home, told me her
daughter had a black cat. And the
party in the window says Mary's
daughter amt ever here Fridays bit
III get you the cat. So she done 80
in a bag, aad my good luck started
right away.
Well anyways, / was lucky enough
10 get home alive and without being
arrested in spite Of the bloody murder
that animal was yelling. And i was
lucky with it another way, too, on sc-
caunt no sooner was that cat estab-
lished in our home then / 10 longer
had to bother feeding any goldfish.
didn't even hat to bury it, the nice
kitty attended to all that.
Naturally. however, / had TO re
place Otto. 80 ordered another poor
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

big annual festival during which the
sheets were changed and the menials,
emulating the Dunkards, washed each
others #.
In the last few years Of the Pike
Houses career the guests registered
on the clerks cuff and one time an eel
salesman got picked and wanted to
stay all night and the clerk had to
commit his name to memory because it
happened TO be the Both. Of the month
when his (the clerk's) shirt was at
East's Steam Laundry getting the
other Q names extirnnted.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

morrow. It doesn't cramp or oyeral
Ask your druggist for genuine "Cii
fornia Fig Syrup" which has dircctid
for babies and children OF all ad
printed on bottle. Motherl You my
say California" or you may get !
imitation fig syrup.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
Bits of Fact

Years have failed to dim the charm
in pantomime Of cinderella and Her
Glass Slipper" 1t Is curious, how
ever, that we owe this slipper Of glass
to a mistake made by the person who
first translated this famous story from
French into English.
In the seventeenth century fur was
worn only by the grandest folk, and
was as much n sign Of distinction as
the rarest jewels. Consequently, when
when Madame d'Auinoy wrote that
Cindcrella's fairy godmother bestowed
upon the little down-trodden girl
"pantouflies en- vair," It was pair Of
fur slippers that sh. gave. The Eng
lish translator mixed up "vair" (fur)
with WE'RE" (glass).
It was surely one Of the happiest
errors in literature for the little glass
slippers are today the most fascinating
part Of Cinderella's attire.
Some office boys will whistle
And some will shout in glee;
A few will hum an old, old song,
But ours can do all three
Copyright, 1926. international Features
ssndiesta I~".
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
WORSE AND MORE OF 1T,

Hot Bozo. As if that wasn't enough,
the darn canary bird she had left on
my hands commenced moulting. We
could hear him at 1t every morning,
carly, and never once got dressed and
down in time 10 stop him. So had
TO go spend a couple or three dollars
on hair tonic, and after he drank the
first couple of bottles he begun to
look better. Just the same he had
distinctly shingle bodied appearance
by the time / got letter from Mabel
telling where she would be home in
two days and il it wasn't too much
bother, would I mind ordering milk
and ice, and loaning them little coal,
and running over to air the house and
tell the furnace man to build a fire
and ask the newspaper man to CON-
merce leaving the Morning Yell again.
And she hoped it wouldn't be too much
bother?
So / done like she asked, and in i'd
dition carted all her stuff over for her
all, that is to say, except them opals.
Look as 1 could, l wasn't able to To-
cate that pin any place. l stubbed my
toes, looking, and every one knows that
means you're going some place where
you're not welcome, and how could /
expect to be welcome without that
jewel? The cook got sore when l
asked if she had seen the darn thing,
and says well, il she wasn't trusted,
there was no use in her staying any
longer. So she took her bag, wages
and departure.
And still i couldL't find no pin, so
! decided, well, that cook never would
Of left me flat like that and walked
out unless she really had stolen it, aft
er all. Not that I'm the least super
stitious, but / might Of known /
wouldn't have a minutes luck with
opals in the house, don't believe in
any superstition in the world, but
there has certainly been nothing 90
right since Mabel left them stones
here, and what and the world am /
conner tell her when / see her tomor-
row?
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17

so she left them and went on her
way. And after she had done so, why
I put the livestock around the dining
room, and then l didn't quite know
where to put that opal pin and Ma
bells peacock fan for safe keeping. OF
course 1 didn't have the faintest feel
ing about keeping them in the house,
even with new cook there, so let
'em lay where she put them.
Then I picked up a pin off the floor
walked around SOS to make sure the
point was towards me, and went out
in the kitchen to ask Mary, the new
cook, did she know anybody owning
a second hand black cat they didn't
need? Not that / really thought it
would do any good, but some people
have the idea black cat is lucky. and
while personally myself certainly
don't believe in any such nonsense,
why as long as I had the idea in my
head I thought I might az well get
black cat to kinda counteract the
idea of that fan and opals.
Well, it seems Mary had a cat
meeting my specifications up to her
house and she offered to 20 right up
and get it, but / wasn't taking any
chances Of letting her out. So ] says
oh, no. don't bother. l will 90. where
is il? And she says no. 13 West
18th St.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
americas Only Woman Humorist
Jennie Isn't Superstititious at All, But
Some Little Things
Worry Her

chances, and there have been three
wrecks around mothers neighborhood
lately( and l hate to leave them in
the house in case burglars was TO
break in. so you don't mind if I leave
them with you, do you?
Why Mabel Bush, l says, do you
mean TO tell me you are superstitious
about taking them things with you: l
says, why you ought to me ashamed
Of such ideas, wouldn't be so chilli
ish, why what harm can a feather
fan and a few opals do? Well, she
says, of course they can't do any
harm, 1 know that, so you leaily
won't mind keeping them until 1 get
back? And l says Of course not,
dear, but honest, l think you ought to
take them along, just to overcome
such nonsensical ideas.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1926-01-17
JENNIE TAKES NO CHANCES.

Well, Mabel wouldn't insult my in
telligence by taking them things off
the place once she had brought them,