davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-05-02

ing everything he mentioned from
fried lard. hot water bags on the head,
to grass fertilizer and Whopla's Wow
Tonic. He even had Geo experiment
ing with liquid dynamic and salt
saturated solution Of balsom and tur-
pentine.
Uncle viii had himself personally
used all OF them things himself and
so he certainly had ought to of known
about them, especially as he, although
now a man of some sixty extremely
odd years. has one of the handsomest
heads of hair l have ever seen. It's
thick and curly and dark brown
without single gray hair in it, and
honest to goodness you could hardly
tell 1t from the real thing until he
takes it off and let's you look at it,
He is actually perfectly bald himself.
but he claims he has found the only
permanent cure for badness.
But. of course, Geo. is q whole lot
younger than Uncle viii. and SO Geo.
has as yet many hopeful yrs. ahead
In which to fuss over his hair. He is
far from having arrove at the philo
sophical stage where he will order a
good one like Uncle Wits and leave
it go at that. He amt as yet even
reached the stage where he will order
q frontiSpeace, or whatever they call
male Transformation, you know. the
kind that Is stuck on with a piece of
chewing gum or something.
So when Geo. mentioned to me
where he wanted n ten spot to buy
the correspondence course in bald.
ness, why at first l was conner re-
fuse him. on account I knew where
he would maybe read the first lesson
and do the first exercise, which would
probably be something like standing
on his head for 20 minutes before
breakfast every morning in order to
coax the hair downward, or shake it
out, or something. Then the book
would go on the shelf along with the
rest that we amt had any time to
read yet, and that was all there would
be to it.
But when / thought Of all Geo.
had gone through about his hair so
far and how nothing was really gon.
ner stop him going through a lot
more. why I felt oh, what's the use
depriving him of what few pleasures
he has? And so forked over the ten.
Take it, dear. and enjoy yourself,
/ says. | can't deny you what you
want, dear, for ! love every hair on
your head, although I admit that's a
pretty bald statement.
iCopyrigAt. I0o6.1
Evening star., 1926-05-02
Photographers of Still Life Give Zest
To San Francisco Visits of Celebrities

said it sounded pretty good. and my
three singing opponents confessed
that I done well for q person that
don't know the wds. or music to
nothing, and was on the wagon be-
sides. All and all Bills party was
pretty near the high spot of our
sojourn on the Pacific Coast. and
heartily advice other Fasteners to
not keep your San Francisco visit a.
secret from Bill.
Another old pal l seen out there
was Frank Schultz. member Of the
worlds champion Cub outfield, which
was the best outfield 1 ever looked
at. San Francisco and environment
seems to be crowded with former Chi
cago outfielders. Frank is living in
Richmond acrost the bay and has
a part interest in the Standard Oil
Co. If he was in the game now, and
taking that old rhythmic swing at
the modern lively ball. the right
felders on the other clubs wouldn't
dast start after them hits Of his with
out provisions for three days and a.
couple of complete changes Of under
wear. Frank and his Mrs. has got a
German police dog and Eskimo Spitz
the choice of which Of those pets to
select one Of the canaries.
The day before we left San Fran.
cisco. two gals from the University
of California came over to interview
me for their college paper. "The
Campus" and wanted to know if I
had any message for same. 1t de-
veloped in the course Of preliminary
conversation that they didn't, neither
one of them. know what ! do for a
living If anything. and one of them
thought 1 was a prize fighter. Well,
the three Of us, and the madam. set
there in the rm. " q hour waiting
for me to get inspired with a message,
and finely I set down to the type
writer and here is the message I
wrote for them:
Two lovely young girls from "The
Campus
Came up Just to see, not to vamp us;
Moreover, the dear
Little wife hovered near,
And Gee, how her presence does
cramp us,
The girls read it, and the one who
thought was a prizefighter still
thinks am prizefighter.
Evening star., 1926-05-02
French Rally to Defend Franc

he said: mo wavering will be toler.
ated."
Foreigners are not used to govern
| ment being helped out by their people
in such a way-but the French have
| done it before.
In 1871 Bismarck made it a condi-
ton of peace that France should pay
five billion francs in gold as war in
demnity, and he left more than 100
garrisons In as many different French
cities and towns to see that payments
were made. These garrisons were at
the additional expense of the French
people. The French finance minister
said to President Theirs, "All the mon
ey which the treasury has in its pos.
session will go into my top hat
Things are not as bad as that now,
{ in spite Of all that is being said. and
the present finance minister, Peret,
has just announced that the first and
most pressing payments--those of
May-are provided for.
In 1871 France was given FIVE years
to pay the five billion gold francs to
Germany. She paid them all in half
| the time given her, along with 5OO,-
000, 900 more francs, nearly, for ex-
| penses-always in gold. How did she
| do it?
| ~ was uy pOpuldR SuDSCElVLlUll III
one form or another, from all classes
of the French people. Can they-will
they-do it again?
This time 1t is not government that
| has begun, although it is giving or
ganization and facilities for the na-
tional committee to work. Govern.
| ment is not even to have the admins
tration Of this popular sinking fund
which is to save the franc. So far as
known, the first public manifestation
! of this movement of citizens to come
forward in masses and help was
among the students OF a provincial
college who brought into the college
yard their few government bonds and
| burned them solemnly. France would
at least not have to pay them. Down
| in the college at Casablanca, the new
French city of Morocco. college boys
similarly gave up 1000 francs in such
treasury obligations.
Those were only the beginnings.
Evening star., 1926-05-02
Home Topics Arouse Enthusiasm OF Some Well Know
Hunt for Happiness and Contentment
Sure to Be Successful in One Place
BY ED WYNN.

Bl ED WYNN.
- EAR Mr.. Wynn: I'm the fell
low you hollered at last night
in the automobile. J. was In
- a hurry. so could not stop to
help YOU. 1 saw you and
your wife slip and fall, and also saw
the lamppost fall over on top OF you
both. Sorry 1 couldn't stop to help
you. How did you get out OF your
trouble. Yours truly,
I. AUTO STOPPED.
Answer-We didn't slip. 1t was the
wind which blew US over and also
blew the lamppost over on top or us.
I sent for the postma ster and he took
the post office (off us).
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Will water always
put out a fire? Yours truly.
N. sURANCE.
Answer-Not always. know OF q
case where a man threw a match on
the Brooklyn Bridge and it lit on the
water.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l have been keep
ing company with a young lady for
two years. We are engaged to be
married Every time / kiss her she
closes her eyes. Why does she do
that? Sincerely,
J. CUPS.
Answer.-Send me your photograph
and I'll answer that.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am a bank mes
senger and carry an enormous pay
roll every Tuesday. With all this
crime wave going on, what would you
advise me to do? Sincerely.
S. KARED.
Answer-Play safe.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I have travelled
all over the world. Everything is
hustle. hustle. There seems to be no
sentiment left in the world. Is there
one place in the world where 1 can
find happiness and 'contentment"?
Yours truly, PHIL OSOFER.
Answer-There sure Is. You can find
them both in the dictionary.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am young man,
just 90 years old. have a good posi-
ton and earn good wages. l want to
get married. but l am afraid OF hav-
ing trouble because I'd rather play
golf than eat. Is it possible to find a
wife who will stand for that?
Truly yours. y. THERUFF.
Answer-A man who would rather
Evening star., 1926-05-02

NOR that anybody is in town. Bill ar
ranges a big party. told him we
would go il he would leave me pay
the check. but when I seen the party.
this agreement kind Of slipped my
mind. First he took us to see his
pretty new home on the hills above
Millbrae and to meet the even prettier
proprietress Of same. Then we all
went to Tait's on the beach and eat
dinner and danced. I suppose they's
a good many other husbands like
who am complete flop as a danseuse
and hate to dance anyway and IL so
would recommend them to get Bill to
dance with their wife and after that
they don't never even suggest that
you dance with them again.
Vile the madam and the other
gals was trying in vain to wear Bill
out on the dance floor. I was per-
mitted to grunt the second base part
in quartette, of whom the other
stars was Fui Brayton, Lee Cutler
and Brad Melvin, and even my wife
Evening star., 1926-05-02

pound Of good. pure, old-fashioned
gumdrops, any flavor you prefer. You
run them through the meat-grinder
until they are ground fine. Then you
add little water, red pepper and
lemon juice, and heat it until it's kinda
like a paste, see? That's what'll fix
you up.
Well, as / say. George was getting
to that place where to get his hair
back he would try anything once. That
was the chief trouble. He tried it
once. But in this case once was
enough. He got the gumdrops-win-
tergreen flavor on account he thought
that would be the most stimulating to
the scalp. And he fixed up the mess
like Joe had told him to, and put it on
his head. And it was stimulating. all
right, stimulating to Georges temper
and language. for he was as stuck on
himself as boy with his first bell
bottom pants or a fly on its last ac-
counting sheet.
After trying to remove the treat.
ment with everything except the meat
axe, and getting into a state of mind
where he was pretty near ready TO
submit to decapitation in order to get
that stuff Off his shoulders. he went to
the phone and told that Joe Buish as
near what he thought OF him as the
telephone operator would permit.
Well, well. says Joe, you poor nut.
you wasn't suppose to put it on your
head-you was supposed to take it in.
ternally.
x X X *
A MOTHER thing George went in for
1 \ was axle grease. Our fiivver
went dry. for weeks on account George
was always emptying the rear end to
put the contents over what he likes to
call his mind. But axle grease lost
out when somebody called his atten-
ton to mixture OF dry salt and
chloroform. I will say one good thing
for this treatment. 1t was very restful
as George by accident put in too much
chloroforn the first night, which was
Monday, and what with Junior sleep
ing IN the same room with us, why
none of US woke up until the following 6
Thursday. Then he give that up, on
the strong advice OF his Office man.
ager, who had needed him during that
time. and for a while he went back to
his favorite treatment-I mean the
looking in the mirror one.
This lasted quite a spell. too, un-
til Uncle Will come to visit us, and
Cncla Will had lots Of helpful sug-
gestions, and he insisted on Geo. try
Evening star., 1926-05-02

they was then called was stopping at
and he had to stand up all night be-
tween the two wondering which was
It and the first time he come to bat
next afternoon the catcher missed the
third strike and Bill got to first base
and Cap gave him the signal to steal
second which was 8 loud blasts on q
alarm clock. Wen, Bill started for
second base, but was still 10 IT. dis
tance from same when he was over
whelmed by whim to lay down and
take another nap. Tommy Corcoran
was supposed to take the throw, but
he looked at Bill and seen how uncom--
Portable he was and he left the ball go
and picked up the base and stuck 1t
under Bills head Bob Emslie's grand
father. who was umpiring. called Bill
safe and he scored on triples by Ev-
eritt and Dahlen and safe bunt by
Tim Donohue.
When Bill heard we was in town
he arranged big party. Whenever
they's even the least breath OF a ru-
Evening star., 1926-05-02
It's the Way You Tell the Funny Story
That Counts With Experienced Audience

The English. l say. have not devel
oped the American custom of the fun
ny story as a form of social inter
course. But / do not mean to saw
that they are sinless in this respect
refer to the habit of narrating some
silly little event that has actually
happened TO them or in their sight.
and which they designate as scream
ingly funny" and which was perhaps
very funny when it happened. but
which is not the least funny in the
telling.
The American funny story is imag-
nary. 1t never happened. Thus there
must once have been some great pal
pitating brain, some glowing imagina-
ton, which invented the story of the
man who was put off at Buffalo. But
the English "screamingly funny story
is not imaginary. 1t really did hap
pen. In short, it is not fiction, but
history.
I think-if one may say it with
all respect-that in English society
girls and women are especially prone
10 narrate these personal experiences
as contributions to general merrimenr
rather than the men. The English
girl has a sort of traditional idea Of
being amusing. The Englishman pre-
fers facts to fancy. and as a rule is
free from that desire to pose as a.
humorist which haunts the American
mind. SO 1t comes about that most
of the 'screamingly funny" stories
are told in English society by the
. women.
Thus the counterpart of put me
off at Buffalo" done in English would
! be something like this: I'VE were so
amused the other night in the sleep
ing car going to Buffalo. There was
the most amusing old negro making
the beds, perfect scream, you know.
and he kept insisting that if we want
ed to get up at Buffalo we must all
go to bed at 9 o'clock. He positively
| wouldn't let us sit up-I mean to say
it was killing the way he wanted 20
put us to bed. We all roared!''
Please note that roar at the end OF
the English personal anecdote. 1t is
the sign that indicates that the story
is over. When you are assured by
the narrators that all the persons
present 'roared," or simply roared."
then you can be quite sure that the
laughter is in place.
Now. as matter of fact. the scene
with the darky porter may have been.
when it really happened, most anus
ing. But not trace OF it gets over
in the story. There is nothing but
the bare assertion that it was scream
ingly funny" or simply killing" But
the English are such an honest people
that when they say this sort Of thing
they believe one another and they
laugh.
But, after all, why should people
insist on telling funny stories at all?
Why not be content to buy the art-
cles Of some really first-class humorist
and read them aloud in proper hu-
mility of mind without trying to EN-.
lllate them? Either that or talk phi
losophy.
Copyright. 1926
Evening star., 1926-05-02

|O the editor: Los Angeles is
the hot bed OF what Is jok-
ingly called the motion picture
Il industry, but San Francisco
offsets whatever advantage
that may be by harboring more old
fashioned still,llfe photographers than
here is notary publics in Florida. In
fact the town is so congested with
camera welders that y of them amt
got no home and or 3 roomed with
rs at the hotel the first few days OF
our all too brief sojourn in California; s
former metropolis But who am l to
Squawi as long as most of the pic
lures for which I posed has appeared
ur will appear in the papers and per
hsps bring u touch OF beauty into
many drab life. The photographer
who spent the I'd day in our costly
quarters addressed most Of his re-
marks to the little woman and in
variably called her Mrs. Runyon
which was a complete surprise to both
her and | and added not a little Zest
10 his visit.
San Franciscos leading PM. paper
iS the Call and it did not take me long
10 nickname it the Early Call as on 2
different occasions the city editor tele-
phoned at s in the morning to say
they was a reporter coming TO see me
he heels of the warning that / was
obliged to dazzle him by appearing in
q costly silk dressing gown of blue
background embellished with black up
and down stripes that come with the
garment and Vulnerable brown and
yellow spots of uncertain origin that
has been added at one time another
since the purchase. Mr. Peak was
the name of this interviewer and his
first question was what did think Of
radio and it was necessary to eXclaim
TO him that on long pleasure junket
OF this kind | generally always made
a. successful effort to not think about
radio at all for the first couple hrs.
after daybreak.
Next to having the madam called
Mrs. Runyon the biggest surprise l
got in San Francisco was Tom
Meighan's picture. The New Klon
dixie which was described on the bill
boards as Il roaring comedy Of Flor
ida, written by the undersigned. The
audience seemed to like the picture
and ] done the roaring when | real
ICED that 2S6 of the 288 titles I had
wrote had been throwed into some
bodys ash bbl. and that they was q
couple base ball incidence in it that
would make a ball player wonder if
the author had fell out Of a toy bal
loon in infancy.
Speaking about ball players it will
be recalled that San Francisco is the
home of Bill Lange, who played with
Chicago under Cap Anson and was
one of the most spectacular outtielders
in base ball history If any. Bill always
oatched fly balls with one hand. He
invented sliding to bases and
it happened in Cincinnati When
they was only hotels there
and Bill had mislaid the name
Of the one which the Colts as
Evening star., 1926-05-02

England YOU can ningle freely in
general society without being called
upon either to produce funny story
or to suffer one.
The real trouble with the American
funny story lies not in the fun OF the
story, but in the painful waiting for
the point to come and in the strained
and anxious silence that succeeds it..
Each person around the dinner table
is trying to think of another" There
is dreadful pause. 1t seems rude
when story teller has at last reached
the triumphant ending and climax of
the mule from Arkansas, it seems i'm
polite to follow it up by saying, II see
that the franc is being stabilized
again" 1t can't be done. Either the
mule or the franc-one can't have
hoth
Evening star., 1926-05-02

A WATCH which is All years old
4 and still keeps excellent time is
owned by III. b. Cheney Of Penacook,
n. II. 1t is a coin silver watch and
according to family history was pur.
chased in Liverpool, England. by Mr..
Cheney's great-grandfather, who
passed it on to his son. The present
owner Of the watch came into posses
sion of it 40 years ago. He Is now
81 years old. Mr.. Cheney did not
realize the value of the watch until
a. visitor to his home took the watch
to clean it and found that it had the
date of manufacture engraved upon
the works.
Evening star., 1926-05-02


fully interesting to us. VIII
the French financial system go
under? VIII the franc follow the
mark?"
At the end of last week, when the
franc was being forced down in New
York, London. Amsterdam, the head
Of Paris bank had a cablegram
from New York: Look out-they
are beginning to sell short here-it
may be a new battle Of the franc"
That was speculation.
Without speculation or deliberate
attacks on the credit of France, it
is still hard for the French govern
ment to keep UP its money. 1t is
the same for Belgium, which has
done everything England and
America ashland yet it's franc goes
down.
Something new is happening in
France. The people themselves are
rallying to the defense of their
money.
untary contributions. These are not
to go into the hands Of the govern
nent or it's treasury-not even for
their most pressing needs Of money
but to defend the franc at the dan
ger point. which is the payment Of in
terest or reimbursement of short
term government bonds as they fall
due. If these payments are not made
on the very day, large portions OF the
French people will suffer, and con-
fidence will be lost. and it will be
difficult for the government to borrow
money again no matter what the
need. II these payments are made,
confidence will grow. and we shall
"a fr,
papers outside of France, about
France being solvent.
What can a committee do?
Well, Marshal Joffre is at the head
Of 1t and he speaks bluntly as he did
once before eft is another battle Of
the Maxpe for u.s." At the flrst battle
Evening star., 1926-05-02

a Methodist minister. or a commercial
traveller. or an old darky. or two
Irishmen. On another occasion 1
dined with a bishop of the church.
But the bishop also never said a word
of the kind.
I can further. for the sake of my
fellowmen in Canada and the United
States. who may think Of going to
England. vouchsafe the following
facts: If you meet a director Of the
Bank Of England, he does not say:
II am very glad to meet you. Sit
down. There was mule in Arkansas
once How they do their bank
ing without that mule don't know.
1 can certify also that if you meet
the proprietor of a great newspaper
he will not begin by saying, There
was q Scotchman once" In fact, in
Evening star., 1926-05-02

man can be that a. woman can't be.
That's a father" to a big family.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Is IL true that the
recent liquor poll was the straw vote
intended to break the camel's back?
Yours truly, c. DERCHEST.
Answer next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL
Ed Wynn. as he has often told you. "a
one of the wieest men IN the world. He
sees all---he knows all. Do you think you
can stump him with any kind OF Ques
ton? II you do send IL to him in care o.
the editor OF this paper and watch for his
reply.
Copyright. 1926D
Evening star., 1926-05-02
Novel Berry Raising.

STRAWBERRIES enough to supply
~ a family for q season can be grown
in O. barrel. This has been demon
strated by a Californian, Delavan j..
Johnson. says Popular Science Month
ly. 4 barrel in which holes have been
bored is filled with dirt. In each of the
holes a vine is set. and under each
vine is built screen platform 10 sup
port it as it grows and bears fruit. As
many as so vines can be grown IN one
sbarrel.
Evening star., 1926-05-02

play golf than eat should marry a girl
who would rather play bridge than
cook.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l am 27 years of
age and a travelling salesman. 1 am
madly in love with girl who lives in
Harrisburg and feel the same about
another girl who lives in Albany. Can
a man love two girls?
Yours truly, ISELL KETCHUP.
Answer-Sure. AS they live in differ
ent cities you're perfectly safe.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: While riding in a
bus last night a woman got on, and
Evening star., 1926-05-02

just as she paid her fare the bus start
ed and she fell in the street. told the
driver. but he kept right on driving.
Did he do right? Yours truly,
PAISE U. ENTER.
Answer-He did perfectly right. lie
figured as long as the woman had paid
her fare she could do as she pleased.
Evening star., 1926-05-02

Dear Mr.. Wynn: Do YOU believe in
equal rights for men and women? l
do. Is there anything a man can be
that woman can't be?
Yours truly, f. QUALITY.
Answer-Yes. there is something a
Evening star., 1926-05-02
PARIS. April -

ETTERS are still coming from
the United States to Paris,
written by anxious friends:
- "The fall Of the franc is pain
Evening star., 1926-05-02
Eternal Campaign Against Badness
Furnishes One Outstanding Chapter
by NINA WILCOX PUTNAM.

A s Queen Elizabeth, the English
~ one who was so we'll known
"A for having never married,
n once said. There comes a time
Evening star., 1926-05-02
BY RING L.ARDNER.

.O the editor: Los Angeles is
the hot bed OF what is jok-
ingly called the motion picture
4 industry. but San Francisco
Evening star., 1926-05-02

bald. by gollies I got to do something
about it. why with a similar amount
of rubbing on ordinary stove polish
they would become regular Angora
husbands.
Douglas daily dispatch., 1926-10-19

First publication Oct. 10, 1926.