davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-11-07

kerchoo modder Is gazoontheit-
You Majesty. Boitrem,.-Heh heh
heh-you know You Majesty you got
yousalf de hends fool witt de cheel-
dren!. - is no Meesus Feitlebaum???
Ho--by de way-dees is Meesus Feitle-
baum-oxcuse me wot l deedn't hin
Producing you hirrtofurr-Meesus
Heff, dees 81 de Quinn.
Mrs. Feitlebaum-A plasure assur-
ing you, HIM, Sotch a sooprice! l
deedn't know wot you'll gonna be
liable you should pronounce a sound
in IIinglish.' SO how you enjoined
de treep?? Hm--dun't esk!-I know
mineself-sissisk... - Hellis Hghland.
You Tended by kestle Golden maybe?
So you a ROumanian, ha? Y'know we
gung avery night In de Sommertime
by de Roumanian restaurants. HIM
you should see wot de sowing dede
feesh". In any position", = Boiled.
Fried. Baked, Stunned. Und peeckled
harring.. Witt hall improofmentsM BY
de way--is acquainted. You Mejesty,
witt de Grostocks?? I rad vance a
book from a PreentCess Bafferly from
Grostock k.M-Gudgeous.. Sotch a dol
INK pipple,,-You know dem maybe??
Heh-heh. So who YOU laft in de pel-
Evening star., 1926-11-07

Looy-Wot's de rumpus? Huh
WOTM De Queen!! HA HA HA HA
HA.M Ats rich-Watcha been snokin
popo Ha-ha-De only Roumanians
you'll ever see in dis joint Is some Of
yer trick uncles wild a dancin' bear, a
tambourine and a greasy deck O.
cards.! Ha hal!
Mr.. Feitlebaum-AHAH de dope!!
So why you dun't batter hesking If it
nidds de Quinn a Cutt Jaster you
should make in de Cutt de fullish
smots.crecks witt tessel witt bell
ha?-Noo-I'll geeve a knock de durr!!
Mrs. Noftolis-Henter-
Mr.. eitlebaum-Gritting You
Mej-- Hm-wot's dees?? Where is
de QuinnM
Mrs. Noftolis-Mm--we jost rehoist
ing we should prectice de spitches wot
in case wen gonna mitt de Quinn
So
Isidore-Baba, take be dowd to
Fifth Avedue to see Queed Barrie Of
Roubadia this afterdood-
Smack
Mrs. Feitlebaum not in
de had.
(ronyrisht 1921
Evening star., 1926-11-07
BY RING LARDNER.
Chapter 10 of Autobiography.

my release from the hospital,
warned me that l would have
- to be careful for at least a
year and advised me not to
return to the nerve-wracking profes-
sion Of Journalism.
Get into some calmer line OF work. y
he said, Something that wont be
much of physical or mental strain"
What, for instance, Duck?" 1 in
quired.
Editors note: The author doubtless
meant to say "Doc.)
authors note: The author meant
what he said. Pearson was a no.
torious quack)
THE calmest, most leisurely calling
I can think Of" replied the doctor, lis
that of a ticket agent in a large rail-
road terminal"
In compliance with this hint. in
vestigated and found that applicants
for such a position we're required to
take a weeks training. The training
outfit consisted of ticket rack In
which were tickets to every town in
the country, arranged In alphabetical
order; fiat shelf equipped with date
stamps, pencils and pens, and an iron
grating which separated the student
from the practice customers.
The applicant had to report at
o'clock in the morning. His first duty
was to break the points Of the pens
and pencils and set the date stamp
either six months behind or ahead
Of the current date. Then, all day
long until in the evening. crowds
Of practice customers kept coming up
and standing In front Of the grating
The applicant was instructed to keer
his eyes fixed firmly on the floor ex-
cept twice during the day. when he
might look at a customer and wait on
him, there being a rule that no one
agent may sell more than two tickets
per diem.
The first practice customer whom
the applicant deigned to notice would
Evening star., 1926-11-07

other place hundred miles away an
other placard:
MIDGE CITY, RAH. RAH.
they can hardly keep away from the
Fall fair.
THE AGRICULTURAL EXHIBIT.
In the old days. at Midgeville. in
1880. the main thing--in fact, the
chief idea--of the fair was the agricul-
tursl exhibit. 1t was placed in a
long wooden shed and YOU didn't need
10 ask where it was. You knew where
II was as soon as YOU came within a
hundred yards of 1t. You didn't need
TO see II either. You would have
known 1t was there in the dark. And
YOU didn't need 10 hear 1t. You Just
somehow were quite sure that this
was II.
When you went in you saw huge
hog in a pen and farmer looking at
the hog while the hog looked at the
farmer. This was the farmer who
had raised the hog and he had al
ready looked at it all Summer. But
AT present he is one of the judges Of
the show, and he is judging the hog.
This is terribly hard to do because
it is the only hog in the show.
Next TO that is pen with huge
cow, and a farmer looking at the
cow. and, as they both have blue rib
hons on. YOU know that they have
taken the prize.
The whole agricultural exhibit was
done that way. But compare:
MIDGE CITY
AUTUMN EXPOSITION,
Ammo Domini 1928.
THE BEAUTY SHOW.
Do they have a sh6V. Of fat hogs
at the Midge City AUtumn Exposi'
Evening star., 1926-11-07

" HE train from Los Angeles to
New York stops at the Grand
Canyon for those who want
i to see the Grand Canyon. II
you don't want TO see 1t. you
can either go on to New York or you
can get off at the Grand Canyon and
not look.
The train arrives at what l am 60
Ing to call the Canyon" from now on
until practically the end Of this ar
ticle, very early In the morning.
In the washroom ! met man. He
was brushing his teeth. After awhile
he stopped and looked up. Have
YOU seen the canyon?" he asked.
Not yet" l replied.
Well" he continued. have you
seen the cap to my toothpaste?"
] laughed.
What's It look like?" asked.
He thought minute.
It's sort Of round" he replied. land
on the inside there are grooves cut 90
as to make it At onto the top of the
tube"
us this it," I asked.
Probably not" he replied. ''but any.
way. I'll look
He looked.
NO" he replied. that isn't IT,
That s something which came out OF
my safety razor. I was looking for
that, too
He picked up the razor and fitted
the new piece into the handle. Then
he walked over to his bag and began
searching for something. I waited.
After awhile he looked up.
DO you think I need a shaver" he
asked
examined his face
DON'T Imam, rnpI{ed x,o,y
going anvwhere?"
Just to the canyon" he replied.
Then I think that you had better
shave" I replied.
He began orce more to rummage in
his bag Then he looked hopefully
out of the window.
IT'S pretty dark day" he said
IT'S very early" I replied.
And my beard Is quite light" he
continued.
Suit yourself" I replied.
He considered A minute and then
returned to his bag.
IF l could only remember" he
murmured, where put that soap"
Il can lend you some Of mine,"
offered.
NO" he replied, "I'd rather not.
In the first place." he went on. there
is the danger of disease"
Yes" admitted. although in the
present case that seems hardly likely"
He looked at me closely.
. You never can tell he said, land
besides, how do I know who you are?"
I searched through my pockets and
handed him a card. He gave me an
other short. quick look, and then ex-
annined the card
Hmm" he said, after a minute.
$50 YOU are Frank Pugh."
Il am not" I replied
II know it," he said. IT know
crank Pugh very well. And that
Evening star., 1926-11-07

"if you are only going TO Albany, why
do you want a berth to SYRACUSE"
Because ! always sleep past my
station" was her reply.
This struck me as So comical that I
hurried up to the athletic field of the
University OF Columbia and watched
some Of the men practice broad Jump
ing.
TO be continuedD
Downright. l9r6D
Evening star., 1926-11-07

nothing of the superior quality of the
latter litter.
On another occasion. my frankness
led me into a lasting comradeship with
Nora Bayes. who came to my window
one afternoon and deman anded a ticket
to Albany and lower berth to Syra-
cuSe.
But, Miss Bayes," l demonstrated.
Evening star., 1926-11-07

mo, thank YOU" I replied. with a
certain amount Of dignity "I don't
like to use other peoples shaving
brushes"
Maybe the porter would like it.
Evening star., 1926-11-07

then three fingers over the right side.
Then he looked at me.
Suit yourself" ] said. person
ally, I wouldn't think Of going out
looking like that"
Evening star., 1926-11-07

Perhaps the porter is a little sensi-
tive, too" ] suggested.
He returned once more to his at
tempts to open the window.
Can ! help you?" l offered.
Evening star., 1926-11-07
FALL FAIR AT MIDGEVILLE,
Ammo Domini 1880.

The Fall fair at Mideeville was
advertised by distribution Of cir
culars which lasted for about one
afternoon. That IL to say. man
drove out with horse and buggy
and a little packet of printed no
tices. which he handed out 10 each
Of the country stores that had q
post Office in IL. He covered a ra-
d!ue Of ) miles in each direction. and
hevond that the Fall fair was Just a
rumor. The advertisements just said
MIDGEVILLE FALL FAIR
NEXT TUESDAY.
The big Fall show (the Autumn ex-
posi,iorl at Midge City is preceded ny
a campaign Of advertising which starts
in the Spring and never stops till the
big show Is pulled off in October. II
10 conducted by a publicity manager
and a staff OF college students who
have taken a course OF two semesters
and a half on Fall fair advertising
and II reaches all the way from the
Middls West Till the waves OF II lap
New York itself 1t Is done with plac-
ards such as
ARE YOU GOING TO
MIDGE CITY?
hut even that ia rather inferior ad-
vcrtising. Much better is simply a
placard:
ARE YOU GOING?
That starts the people In New York
thinking "a hard thing 10 dol. and
. then later, when they see in some
Evening star., 1926-11-07

''No, thank YOU
After awhile he stopped and walked
over to the mirror He passed three
fingers over the left side of his face,
Evening star., 1926-11-07
BY NIILT GROSS.

RS. NOFTOLIS-Mm--
M heh-goot hefternoon. Yoou
Majesty - heh - hm I'm
chommed like annytink-no
--no-plizZ dun't boddering
you should put hon decron.! Heb
heh-of cuss. / don't drassing opp
notch arond de houze minesalf in the
monnink-heh-heh cuss, mine
hosb-I minn de doctor-inseests like
annytnk | should wear on de had de
diamond tire - bot Boitrem"!
Rottrem",. Is dees nize you should
pooling hount de bieck spots from de
onine robe?? Modder Is pittoibed,
Poitrem, Comm. Boitrem, make nfZe
a koitsy witt de feenger on de cheen
like il titches you de governest on
Vast And Hevenue. Comm Boitrem-
no. de cheen. Boitrem--not de nose.
vi Vi yi--gazonntheit-Yo Mejesty--
Roitrem. put don dees hinstant de pap
per Roi--kerchooo o-o-is dees
nize yol-gazoontheit-Y Met-ker-
choo-you should shaking de papper-
Evening star., 1926-11-07
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

EFT us consider the 1925 season
for the Fall fairs. The first one
opened up at Moose Factory,
Hudsons Bay first turn to the
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
POINTS ON
KEEPING WELL
DIR. FREDERICK r. GREEN
Editor Of 'sEIEALTH"
ltkikkkxeks xxxsxks
(0. 1925. western Newspaper Union.l
TRENCH WARFARE

TT ALL this stun about germs is true,
= how does 1t happen that anybody is
alive2
The question ID perfectly fair one
and It's answer makes a strange and
wonderful story. If we are. at all
times. surrounded by these invisible
carriers Of death, why isn't everybody
dead? Because of the ability to re-
sist and overcome disease which the
human body has acquired In past ages.
But how does the body defend it.
self against Its outside enemies? Very
much the same as the, nation defends
Itself against invaders.
The body, in health, is like ma
ton at peace. There is no excitement,
no disturbance. The body is made up
OF millions of cells, just as the nation
Is made up Of millions Of people. But
when everything is peaceful, each cell
goes about its own business. The red
blood cells go about their business Of
carriers Of traffic, hauling oxygen into
the cells and hauling carbon dioxide
out TO be dumped, travelling on the
main roads, and paths formed by the
arteries and veins.
On the roads are found few po-
licemen.n in the form of white blood
cells, sallntering along the roads, keep
ing the peace and watching for the
stray criminal. But the reserves are
IN the barracks in the bone marrow,
the spleen and the lymph glands. Any
occasional invader can be taken care
OF ny the polfde
But suddenly an important position
In the lungs is captured by strong
force OF tuberculosis germs. They at
once begin to increase in numbers, liv-
ing OF of the surrounding country and
throwing poison gas into the body in
the form Of the toxins or poisons
which they make.
Then the order for mobilization is
issued and the reserves rush out of
their barracks and down the roads to
the point Of attack. If they are strong
enough. they drag the invaders out,
carry them to the frontier and throw
them ont Of the country. If they can't
do this. they do just what the Allies
did in Flanders. They. '.dig in and
throw up wall around the invading
force to keep them from spreading.
Just the same thing. only in France
!, was called slime of defense and
IN ti.o hndv If IL o0i;od an 1sinf19mma-
tory reaction Finally. the white
cells build barbed-wire entanglements
10 frDnt Of the trenches to surround
the enemy. only they are called con-
Hcctike tissue formations.
Then the white-celled troops, like
the French, say: ~'They shall not
PASS
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
CHICKENS AND SUNLIGHT

MI UGH has been said in these col,
AA umns about sunlight This is
not strange when one considers that
more attention has been paid to sun
light by scientific men all over the
world In the last Ave years than has
been given to the subject in the pre-
ceding century. It almost seems as
though the sun was recent discovery
and that no one had known of its ex-
istence until recently. Today we are
beginning to realize that the sun, at
least so far as our universe is con-
cerned. Is literally and actually the
center and source of all life. We can
understand now why the old Persian
magi or wise men worshiped the sun
% the greatest power and source of
good In the universe.
But perhaps this hasn't interested
you. "All this stuff about ultraviolet
rays is just another case of those
scientific fellows talking about some
thing nobody can see and that prob
ably doesn't exist" Maybe even the
newly discovered fact that sunlight,
plain. everyday sunlight. will change
a pale. thin, rickety child into a
plump, rosy, healthy one doesn't in
terest y0u either. Another Of those
doctors fads. Nothing in it."
All right. Then maybe you will be
Interested in chickens. Now there's
something parctical If you can raise
chickens that are bigger, fatter,
heavier and that viii sell for more in
the market, now that's really talking.
That's practical.
Very well, let's talk about chickens,
then. Prof. E. B. Hart of the Wiscon-
sin state agricultural station took two
healthy chickens of the same age and
variety. He put them on exactly the
same diet. One chicken was exposed
to direct sunlight for half an hour
each day. The other was kept out Of
the sunlight entirely. At the end of
four weeks, the bird that. had had the
proper food with sunlight had gained
i48 per cent in weight and had grown
proportiOnately. while the chick that
had had proper food but no sunshine
had only gained % per cent. Half an
hour Of sunshine day had made one
bird grow six times as fast as the
0therl
Then Professor Hart tried another
experiment. He took two groups OF
chickens of the same size age and
stock. He fed both groups ON diet
that would ordinarily produce ricketts,
One group got ten minutes of sun
shine day. The other group got sun
shine all day. At the end of six weeks
the ten-minute group all had ricketts,
and the ail-day group were all healthy
and averaged so per cent more weight
than the others. The sunshine kept
them healthy In spite Of poor food
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
TAKING NO CHANCES

"Going to town. asked sammas Of
Iomuel.
"Yep."
"Will you inquire for my mailf"
"Nope."
"Rather unneighborly Of you," com
mented a friend.
Cant help that. Last time In
quired for his mail / had to lug
grindstone out to his place. kansas
City Journal.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29

From Mother Natures storehouso
we have gathered the roots, barks
and herbs which are compounded,
under the famous Tanlac formula,
to make Tanlac.
If your body is weak and under
nourished, If you can't sleep or eat.
have stomach trouble or burning
rheumatism, just you see how
quickly Tanlac can help you back
to health and strength.
Don't delay taking Tanlac an
other day. Stop at your druggists
now and get a bottle Of this, the great
est of all tones. Take Tanlac Fege-
table Pills for constipation.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Only Sign of Progress

A man who had settled In America,
who had been visiting his old home in
England. was asked what he thought
about the changes that had taken
place in the village during his alb
sence.
"Changes!" he exclaimed. Gee,
there's only one worth notin'. The
village pumps been snapped for
gas pump STRAY Stories.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29

nerves grew stronger so that rested
better at night, and was able to do
my homework with comfort. recon-
mend the Prescription most highly to
every woman who has become weak and
i'll from feminine trouble" Mrs. Eliza
beth James. 1851 Fourth Ave.
Write DR.. Pierce, President Invalids'
Hotel in Buffalo, N. Y, for free advice
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Quite Proper

Customer Ito delicatessen store pro-
prietor) -Look here, found button
in that salad you sold me.
Proprietor-Of course, madam! That
was part of the acknowledgements
Grocer.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Had His Anstuer

Mabel" he said. II had such a
realistic dream last night. l dreamed
I proposed to you, and you said. Go
to father"
eyes, Harry. And what did father
say?" she cooed.
"Well, that part is a little hazy. All
know is that woke up and found
myself on the floor STRAY Stories.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Took His Advice

Alice-What happened when your
father told your fiance he ought to
put something aside for rainy day?
Helena little later dad missed his
raincoat.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29

OF n e a l t n. with
backaohe and alb
dominal pains. I
remembered hear
ing of DR.. Pierce's
Favorite Prescrip-
ton being such a
splendid tonic and
nervine for women
SO | sent for a bot
tie. | obtained re-
lief at once. iny
aches and pains
d isapp cared, my
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
What a Night

"Good job our wives don't know
where we got to last night"
"Too true! BY the way, where did
we get to-"
BLESSED If l know"
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Same Direction

Storekeeper-Dear me, did you fal
down the steps?
Customer-Yea, but it's all right.
was going down anyway.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Didn't Miss 1t at All

Professor believe you missed my
class yesterday.
Student-Why, no. didn't, old man.
not In the least.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Beat Him to H

"An' when at robbah man said.
.Hor up yo' hands" what did you
say?"
.'Me? All jes' laughed at him. All
already had 'em up"
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
ColIous Conscience

Hands tell the tale. Looking at his
With pride the toiler understands
That many a rich mans conscience
More callous than his lily hands.
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Builds up
weak bodies

s.After Dk0e IT did
for me, 7dsiac has
my s,siimifed praise
and endorssmsse. 8
years Of Serposs IN
Digestion hadrsised
nsr Eeaitb and shat
tered n.y. aeSDsa.
Taaioc g0Os M
perfect health
again. = Mrs. Ed.
Croft 232 No. 9fh
Are. !, Scranton. Pa,
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
No Danger

think 1t would be safe to insult
that prize 1ghter?"
"Uh huh! He wou dn't fight you for
less than $2,0OO,0O0.''
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Homework Easy Now!

Huntington, w. Va.-"About year
ago ! was in rundown, nervous state
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Was a Gentlemen,

When Adam delved and Eve span.
.Ad may have, been gentleman.
For he did not forfeit paradise
When playing out of cuppy' lies!
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
DIFFERENCE IN WEAPONS

He was held up by bobbed-halr
bandit who compelled him to marry
her?'
well, it amounted to that--only she
used bundle of love letters instead
of gum
The midland journal. (Rising Sun, Md.) 1885-1947, 1926-01-29
Loosen Up That Cold
With Musterole

Have Musterole handy when a cold
starts. 1t has all of the advantages of
grandmother's mustard plaster WITH
CUT the blister. Apply it with the
fingers. You feel a warm tingle as the
healing ointment penetrates the pores,
then a soothing. cooling sensation and
quick relief.
Made of pure oil of mustard and
other simple ingredients, Musterole is
recommended by many nurses and
doctors. Try Musterole for bronchitis,
sore throat, stiff neck, pleurisy. rheu-
matism. lumbago, Group, asthma. neu-
ralgia, congestion, pains and aches of
the back or joints, sore muscles, sprains,
bruises, chilblains, frosted feet. colds of
the. chest. 1t may prevent pneumonia
and ''fiu."
Imperial Valley press., 1926-12-11
First Baptist

"Thrcc Chccrs,o will be the sub
icct of the sermon by Evangelist
Amy Lee Stockton at the revival
meetings Sunday morning at il
clock. Miss Rita Gould, the So
lost, will sing rs special number
Spirit of God BY Neidlinger.
The Chris'm mas candle light scrvic"
given by the Girl Reserves will be
gin at p. IN. At the close of this
service Miss Stockton and Miss
Gould will conduct a short cvange-
listic service. All are most cor
daily invited to remain for this
service and hear these talented and
consccrated Young women. Miss
Stockton will speak on the subject
"Thc Birthday of the King
In spite of the weather conditions
great good has been accomplished in
the meetings already and splendid
services are expected Sunday.
The Sunday School will be held at
9:45 a. m. as usual with a short
talk by Miss Stockton at the close
of the school.
A cordial invitation is extended
to strangers and people of the city
to attend these services.
Imperial Valley press., 1926-12-11
State St. Christian

Glasses for all ages from babies to
old age are provided by the Sunday
School meeting at 9:30 a. M; the
lessons are graded to suit each age.
\ well trained orchestra is feature
of the Sunday School work.
A 1890 the worship service opens
with singing by the congregation
led by a chorus. The pastor 5 ser
mon theme will be ''Prayer-An
interpretation. -
AS 4 courtesy to Girl Reserves
who hold their annual vesper serv-
ice at the Baptist church at Z p. m,,
our Christian Endeavor will meet
at o'clock instead of the regular
time and will close at 6:45.
There will be no evening preach
ing service. Members are urged to
attend the vesper service at the Bap-
fist church and remain for the evan
gelistic service which will follow.
Imperial Valley press., 1926-12-11
Money Is Point
In Chaplin Case
BY United Press Leased Wire

HOLLYWOOD, Dee. l1.-Neqo-
tiations were resumed today be
tween attorneys for Charlie Gimp
lin and his estranged wife. The
lawyers are scekirc an agreement
which will prrrc"t an airing in the
courts Of the Chaplin S domestic
rift.
Little progress has been made
thus far. i. was learned. 1t was
known also. that Mrs. Chaplin has
agreed not to file suit for divorce
until after her husband completes
his current picture, and it has been
booked in the movie houses. A pub
lie divorce scandal would ruin sale
of the picture, it was agreed.
Chief argument between the cou-
pie at present concerns the amount
of money which the comedian will
settle on his wife. Mrs. Chaplin
is also insisting on custody of both
children although Charlie has of
fered to divide them.