davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
to the orange blossom State and get a
good thorough rest and change.
with love and kisses
'.E,SSie and i / G0nfnah ~

'Essie and j. J. Goofnah."
Well, I'll bite. says Geo. where's the
catch? oh Geo. l says. there amt no
catch. loollit the real, genuine tickets
and all. oh dearest. can't we go?
Why only think it won't cost us 4
cent, and lookit the rest and every
thing and not "a penny expense. Geo.
give a sniff. Out of the question, he
says, we couldn't accept any such
thing. and what would we do with
Junior. and how would l get away
from the office? And | says, well. |
don't see how l could leave my child.
and then there's this house. no, l
guess it is impossible.
x :: X
60 having made up our mind firmly
- it couldn't be done, why Geo.
mentioned it sadly to his boss and his
boss says at once what nonsense,
Jules, you mustn't miss a chanel like
that. take part of your summers Va
cation now, don't be silly. And l
mentioned how sad 1t was we couldn't
go to that Mabel Bush, the one that's
married to Joe Bush of the Hawthorne
Club, who never done a obliging thing
for me in her whole entire life. And
Mabel says now don't be ridiculous,
dear, of course you are conner go and
lighted to take care of him. Two is no
more trouble than one, and you can
send us some grapefruit if you like.
Well naturally after that there
didn't seem to be no escape. and the
first thing we realized. l had spent
$3.50 on summer clothes Geo. had
dug into his old jeans to get himself
a flock of wash ones, and we had
bought a coupla new suitcases. good
hnin M
ting them things too cheap, on ac-
count a person will always find use
for them. Then we got a new hat-boX.
some shoes, a few ct ceteras, u nice
present for ESSie Goofnah. a box of
high class cigars for j. j. and at last.
almost before we knew it, we was on
the train. started on orr perfectly eX-
pense-free trip to the Sunny South.
And believe you me, when we got
on that train we We're some tired out.
Getting ready for q rest like that was
no joke, what with closing up the
house, getting Junior packed and in
structed and over to the Joe Bushes,
and etc. But as the pullman pulled
out we give a big sigh of relief and
sank, for once speeches.. into our
places. looking forwards to the delight
full time of ease and idleneSs which
was certainly coming to us in every
meaning Of the words.
Well, after considerable hesitation
the train decided to reach Florida,
where it commenced right at Jackson
vile to show great reluctance to move
ahead more than tt. at any one
time. But we didn't mind so much on
account of for the first time seeing
palms and palmetto and sand and sun
shine and sunshine and sand and
palms and palmettoes, one right after
the other over and over again.
Also oranges and grapefruit grow
ing on trees instead of on fruit stands.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
Gas Bomb for Colds.

TWO San Francisco chemists have
L just perfected a chlorine gas bomb
which makes possible the use of chic
rine gas for the treatment of colds in
the home, where the same results are
obtained as with more elaborate appa-
ratus, in fact, eliminates the neceS-
sity of going to some central source
for treatment. with possible exposure
to bad weather and further lowering
of body resistance. The chlorine gas
bomb is made of glass and contains
nothing but pure filtered chlorine gas.
To use it, the patient takes the bomb
in a closed room and breaks off the
ends of the bomb. thus permitting the
gas to escape and mingle with the air
in the room. The patient remains in
this gas-filled room for one hour.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

so mushroom that there amt mush-
room for mushrooms This turned
the laugh on the house physician and
for a few moments no one was him
self
or why don't they go to Los
Angeles?" continued Mr.. Glow. Great
climate and great food. Wonderful
scenery and wonderful meals on the
train. You may point out that it is
$500 miles from y. Y. Yes. but remem-
Der that with the mother included
there is 40 in the family and suppose
they invite a friend to go along with
them to make it SO. Well so into
$500 is 20, or 20 miles apiece. 1t is
almost that far to Trenton and you
don't never stay away from Trenton
on acct. of the distance. 1t amt that"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

feels that he has something to fall
back on.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l hear that Mus
solini has insured the thumb on his
right hand for 100000. How can
his right thumb be so valuable?
Yours truly,
I. ITALIAN.
Answer-It is probably the thumb
he keeps the people under.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: A friend of mine
said he painted q picture of chicken
and 1t looked so natural that when he
put it on his desk 1t laid there. Do
you believe him? Yours truly,
MINNIE MCMM.
Answer-Next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
Ed Wynn. as he has often told you is
one of the wisest men in the world He
sees all: he knows all. Do you think YOU
can stump him with any kind of a uues
ton! If you do. send 1t to him in care of
the editor of this paper and watch for his
icopyrazht 1o2S.>
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

kisses me, shall I scream for my
family? Yours truly,
HOPE HEESGOOD.
Answer-Not unless you want him
to kiss them, too.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: The other day I
was laid fiat on my back by an attack
of peritonitis. Now I am unable to
work. What shall do?
Sincerely.
n. VALID.
Answer-Report to the Government
at once that you have been attacked
by peritonitis. Something should be
done to teach a lesson to these for
eigners.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: My uncle, a man
about 40 years of age, has a habit
cannot understand. Every night Just
before he gets into his bed he puts
some money under his pillow. Can
you tell me why. Sincerely,
AL z. GATOR.
Answer-That is very simple. He
puts money under his pillow so. he
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

wv the World Court been
at all depends" tells
her, ION what paper you been read
ing. One of 'em IL tell you it's a scheme
to drag the United States into a lotta
European rows and shake fiock
of jack out of Uncle Sans jeans:
anotherIl tip you that it's a grand
scheme to make a tramp out of war. ;"
What do you think about it, in
auires the wife.
We'll" says I, the way l figures
it, this counC'ys big enough TO take
a chance at anything once. If we
finds out later on we've been pulled
into u badger game they amt no.
body strong enough to keep us from
breaking down the door and getting
out"
How is this court going to work?'
Kate wants to know.
II don't know 50 much about it," I
returns, 'but-
I'm sure of that" cuts in the frau,
sweetly, but I'm tired Of listening to
the radio and I'd just as soon hear you
broadcast from station BLAH."
Il don't know SO much about it," I
goes on coldly. but if ! was to forget
all l ever did know I'd still have
enough info left to make you one OF
Il lost my chance for that" re-
marks the misses, when 1 traded a
perfectly good yes for phony we'd
ding ring; but tell me about the
court"
It's like this" says 7. Suppose
you and l was to have row.
You mean another row, don't your"
suggests Kate.
Instead of me taking a poke at
YOU" continues, like l should ought
TO, we takes our troubles to a court.
The judges listen to both sides of the
case. mine because l got a case and
yours because you think you have
one and then they decides. You and
me, being members of the court, is got
to accept their decision"
Suppose l refuse to, what them
demands the misses.
Then the court takes steps to make
YOU behave" ] explains. ''They would
blockade your house, for instance, and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

could fly over London and smother all
the people to death with poison gas,
you got to remember that an English
airplane could fly over Paris and do
the same thing. The result is gonna
be that all the countries are going to
be scared to death Of each other and
you can't get a guy to kill another
bird if he knows he's going to be killed
himself in the process. Am 1 right"
you never have BEEN" applauds
the frau.
Copyright. 1920
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

self by the commercial trdpeler
tcho sold goods to the man 1oho
nds regarded as impossible.J
#: : :: ;; :: Fl, $::;
ware Company n try,
| eh?" And then they all started laugh
ing and giving me the merry ha. ha.
Well, l just got my grip packed and
didn't say thing and when the train
| slowed up for Midgeville, out ] slid.
Give my love to old man Jones. -
| one of the boys called after me, land
get yourself d couple of porous plas-
| ters and "a pair Of splints before you
tackle him" And then they all gave
me the ha, ha. again out of the win
! dow as the train pulled out.
Well, | walked uptown from the
| station to the Jones Hardware Com
pany. us Mr.. Jones in the office?"
! ] asked of one of the young fellers
behind the counter. Hes in the
office, all right" he says, just like
! that, as he looked at my grip. What
pityingly.
Don't say any name at all, | SAYS.
| lust open the door and let me in
Well. there was old man Jones. He
was sitting scowling over his desk,
gnawinG his pen in that way he has.
| He jerked me a once-over when !
came in. See here, young man." he
snorts, you can't sell me no hard
ware" he says.
Mr.. JONES'" 1 says, Il don't want
| to sell you any hardware. I'm not
| here to sell you any hardware.
| know" l says, las well as you do" /
says. that ] couldn't sell you any
hardware If l tried to-" L says.
But" | says. II guess it don't do
! any harm to open up this sample case
and show you some hardware, ] says.
Young man" he roars. IF YOU
want to lose your time opening up
that sample ease III here''-and he
suddenly turned off sideways and
thought he was looking for something
| to throw.
That's all right. Mr.. Jones"
says. that's all right. I'm here to
lose my time. But I'm not going out
of this room till YOU take look, any
way. mt some OF this new cutlery I'm
carrying"
SO open | throws my sample case
right across the end of his desk
Look at that knife" l says. Mr.
Jones. Just look at it, clear Sheffield
at three-thirty the dozen and they re
a knife that Will last till you wear the
haft off it"
"Oh. pshaw"' he growled Il don't
want no knives; there's nothing il
kniveS-
Well, | knew he didn't want knives
see? l knew it. But the way | open
ell up the sample case it showed up
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
Invented the Omelette.

On a tombstone near Dion, France,
~ is this epitaph. Here lies,
incurred by his family and lamented
by his patrons, Pierre MERCER, restau-
rant manager, 1S4S-1903. He was the
inventor of the famous Mercier ONE
lette, the recipe for which his son.
living in the Rue Dijon, this city, is
the sole proprietor"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
To Prevent Window Frost.

THE formation of frost on windows
can be reduced materially by rub.
bling the inside of the glass with a so
luton of glycerin and alcohol. The
solution is made by dissolving a tea.
spoon Of the glycerin in half pint
of alcohol. Apply the mixture to the
glass with a clean rag.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
By ED WYNN.

Dear Mr.. Wynn: I bought a new
pair Of shoes. When l got home l
found couldn't get them on my feet.
What shall do? Yours truly,
/. NJ. PERTURBED.
Answer-They are probably like all
new shoes. You won't be able to get
them on till you've worn them a
while.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Can you tell me
which is the most useful to us-the
moon" or the sun?
Truly yours,
s. TRONEMER.
Answer-The moon is. because it
gives us more light at night when 1t
is so dark The sun shines only in
the daytime, when we don't need it.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I read in the
newspaper that we'll known shoe
maker was arrested for bigamy. He
has two wives. The verdict is that
he must give one some money and
live with the other. Which wife do
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
BY SAM HELLNIAN.

-VV WHAT" asks the misses,
H\A is al this cs stuff about bout
Y readingo"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

1.-THE familiar story about HIM
self by the commercial trdpeler
tcho sold goods to the man 1Cho
Tds regarded as impossibleJ
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31
By RING L.ARDNER.

TN the Editor: Where I live has
recently been infested by d
man named Dinton Glow that
i moved here from Wisconsin
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-01-31

g. +; !:
and change; no one can keep
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
Washington Stands Ready to
Aid Hurricane-TOrn Florida

The deep sympathy of Washington people Will go
out to Florida neghbors in the awful catastrophe
unexpectedly visited upon them
In the delightful weather of these early fall days
which enjoying it is hard to realize that
our Southern friends have been subjected to one of
the most disastrous of hurricanes and that the dead
and injured are lying by hundreds among the wrecks
of once happy homes.
Large numbers of Washington families in
grief and suspense the fate of relatives and
friends in the path of the terrible hurricane and we
know that thousands of people, large numbers of
them poor in the worlds goods, are homeless and
helpless.
Whatever Washington may be asked to do in this
great disaster will be done with will. This city
has never failed to respond to calls of human dis
tress. 1t is rich and beautiful city and the purse
have been the victims of natures intense fury
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
MEDITATIONS
OF A WIFE
BY Helen Rowland
BY HELEN ROWLAND
The NTO1dav COId Cuts


EACE.POWDER may be taxed
as ''luxury"-but every
woman knows that 1t Is the staff
of-love."
In the fall, young mans
fancy lightly turns with the au-
tumn foliage and drops off, with
the dying leaves.
It is not writers cramp" but
lovers cramp" which paralyzes
man when he starts to put on
paper some of the foolish things
he said under the summer moon.
Every wife suspects that, even
after he has gone to heaven, her
husband will always be losing his
halo. dropping ashes all over the
golden streets, tearing snags in
his wings, and shopping into the
ice box to see If there Is any
angel food left.
When a mans watch runs down
he winds it right up; but when
his conscience runs down he &C.
cepts it as an act of Providence
and calmly waits for his wife to
shake it up and start it going
again.
No use telling the average man
that a girls ideals are beautiful
and her character perfectly
rounded, if her face and her knees
don't match them.
No matter how brilliant a
genius nor how great a states
man, he can never hope to be as
well known as a popular beauty
cream, as famous as a favorite
variety of canned soup, or as we'll
loved as an idol ed movie actor.
Eve proved that women are
natural born advertisers, when,
with a single publicity stunt"
she immortalized the apple and
sent the name of the fig lecf
ringing down through the ages.
At 20 the only perfect end Of
a day. is a kiss.
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
DIR. FRANK CRANES
DAILY EDITORIAL
- UNDREDS of Americans this season have taken adj
vantage Of the new Tourist Third Class arrangement
Copyright, ip26. New YoUlE
Evening Journal. Inc.
/. Registered q. 3. Patent Oxnces
Tourist Third Class

~ UNDREDS Of Americans this season have taken adj
~ vantage of the Tourist Third Glass arrangement
A "It is hard to get away from the old idea OF steer
age Glass; recently said of the Cunard officials but
the present accommodations quite different
Formerly the third class used to be taken advantage OF
mostly by immigrants. As there immigrants to
speak going from America to Europe the steamship COM
panies hit upon the of making this kind of travel
popular people who went abroad for educaona p
poses, but had little money.
The Tuscania which time ago discharged some one
hundred and fifty Turst Third Glass at Havre
showed such professions represented lawyers teachers
brokers, engineers, musicians, and so forth.
Several thousand students on the giant
Leviathan time ago.
Dozens of college officers and many jazzs bands have
crossed this to fill European engagements.
The Holland American line recently brought six young
from the Young Womens Christian Association IN
New York Rotterdam The amount of money each of the
young women had for the trip $500.
This method of travel designed to be justly popular
The young people who take advantage of willing to
put with certain inconvenences provided the
is select and the food is passable.
budget of students showed the following
items
$181OO for steamship ticket.
5000 for passport and visas;
100 for railroad fare to Paris;
400 for hotel expenses for four days in Paris;
1000 for lunches and bus fares in PariS
$500 for airplane to London.
1900 to spend for a good time.
It is hardship for young person to live in small
the street. and he find irksome travel third
class because another of the ship there
y expensive, luxurious suites
Copyright 1925 by The Mcclure Newspaper syndcats)
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
WISE SAYINGS

The eyes of our souls only
then begin to see when our bodily
eyes are closing. Law.
Mirth and cheerfulness are but
the due reward of innocence OF
life. More.
You should forgive many things
in others, but none in yourself.
-Ausonius.
AS the calling dignifies the
man, so the man much more ad'
vances his calling. South.
All the transactions Of the past
differ very little from those
present. -Antonious.
The innocence of the intention
abates nothing Of the mischief OF
the example. Hall"
That which we acquire with
most difficulty we retain the
longest: as those who have
earned a fortune are commonly
more careful of it than those by
whom it may have been inherited.
Apologies only account for the
evil which they cannot alter.
~~Disraeh.
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
EXPENSES OF
WEDDING
Mrs. Cornelius Beeckman'


nEAR MRS. BEEcKMAN:
~ Kindly inform me who
should purchase tire wedding
cake, as the reception Is to be in
the brides home? Who should
pay for the wedding invitations,
the bride or her parents?
2. should like to know
whether it is the duty of the
bride or the bridegroom to pro-
cure the wardrobe trunk.
A BRIDETO-BE.
The brides family or the bride
whoever is bearing the expenses
of the wedding-pays for the wed.
one of the items of the wedding
hosts Of the occasion, and the
hosts are the parents OF the
bride. That is why the invita-
tions to the wedding read "Mr.
and Mrs. (bride's parentsl request
the honor Of your presence etc.
The same is true of the pay
ment Of the wedding invitation
No outsider can tell whether the
bride or her parents pay for any
of the details Of the wedding.
That is determined by the bride
and her parents.
2. Usually the bride provides
her trunk, and the bridegroom
his. If there is to be a "com-
munity" trunk they can arrange
to buy it together or the bride
groom might make it one Of his
wedding presents to the bride.
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
QUEER RITES
IN TURKEY

WYE of the Western World don't
w believe our dead will be hap
pier buried in one spot than an.
other. It is true that in accord
ance with tradition and sentiment,
we have family burial plots, but
we do not regard one part Of the
country as more sanctified than
another. This is not so with the
Mohammedans. There are two
cities in Arabia and Turkey which
are held in Veneration as sacred
burial spots. These are Meshid-
Ali (NedcheO and MeshidHus-
sein Kerbelah), and they are so
regarded because Nedchef is sup
posed to be the burial place of
Caliph Ali, the son.in-law Of Mo-
hammed, while Kerbelah is where
that famous martyr, the fourth
son of Hussein Ali, was assassi.
mated.
The traveller hears much Of
these cities, as they are the fa-
vorite place of all who can
afford to have their dead inferred
within the sacred walls. Let me
quote Rafael de Nogales, Vene-
Zuelan soldier or fortune, auLnOf,
and Turkish divisional commander
in the World War. ''These two
cities are remarkable
particularly for the dismal aspect
of the surrounding deserts, COW
cred almost to the horizons edge
by tombs of the faithful, whose
corpses have been brought hither
by pious relatives for centuries,
so that their bones may dream
among those sacred sands"
Accordingly, great caravans of
pilgrims are continually encoun-
tered in the deserts on their way
to the burial grounds. Most of
the attendants and members of
these caravans were clothed In
black" says Mr.. de Nogales.
THE wealthieSt among them had
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
By ELSIE ROBINSON

you've lost every sweet comfort
ing dream and blessed hope.
If YOU'LL LOOK AT LIFE
AS A BIG PARADE. AND If
YOU'LL LOOK AT YOURSELF
AS PART OF THAT PARADE.
THEN LIFE is WORTH WHILE.
AND NOTHING WILL TEMPT
YOU TO GIVE 1T UP, NO
MATTER HOW YOU'RE SUF-
FERING.
II you'll see life not as some.
thing that animates your bones
and tissues, but as a perpetual
flame that pulses in every Gre
ated thing-in each little blade of
grass, in each tiny insect or ami
mal-in every man or woman
that ever walked this way or
ever will.
If you'll feel love, not as a pre-
cious piece of YOU, but as a
great tide that rolls forever
through the hearts of humanity.
If you'll see your acts not as
something which begin and end
in YOU, but as things which are
part of an infinite pattern, as
things which Influence all men
and are done for all men.
If you1l see yourself as some
thing outside Of YOU, something
that towers above you, while you
cringe and crawl-something that
laughs and shouts while you weep
and whine-something that sees
with flaming eyes when the eyes
of your body go blind and lives
on and On with a reckless faith
when the dear love of your flesh
lies dead.
If by some sudden quickening,
some desperate fight, you can
bring yourself to see yourself and
all life like that.
THEN LIFE WILL BE WORTH
WHILE!
AND YOU'LL SET YOUR
TEETH AND STAND THE
PAIN. FOR YOU'LL SEE THE
MORNING COMING OVER THE
HILL AND YOU'LL KNOW
THAT YOU'RE PART OF 1T.
The inhabitants of the cities
are nearly all attired in sombre
black, and from the windows Of
the houses black flags and PEN
nants are suspended. In spite of
it's desolation, however, the two
cities are very wealthy The
The Washington times., 1926-09-20

Il saved very much money in any year and
made any especially good investments, but when
young managed to something year. After
marriage continued this practice with the result that
I not worried about the future
The who made this statement fifty years DID, and
has been working since he twentyour salary that
a very large
AS his salary increased however, he added to his savings
accordingly.
And this in spite of the fact that he rearing and
educating boy and girl which added greatly to his ex-
penses year after year.
But this man never spent cent of his money and
added the interest his bank deposits in savings bank
each year -,
At fifty the majority of men who have earned little
this have nothing saved and they are getting
anxious,
The Washington times., 1926-09-20
Sky Propaganda
Not Very Reliable.

President Coolidge that einenty sensible man.
that his next Summers vacation will be spent in the
Adirondacks, but probably in the West.
The Cooldges seeing America first They passed
the New England They have had another
the mountains of New York State
Next year, Mr.. Coolidge ntimates the Summer White
House will trek the Black Hills of Dakota-wh
dental visit to Yellowstone Park for the fishing.
Odd that Presidents haven't hit this happy notion
Of getting about the country peases the folks have the
Chief Executive in their midst furnishes complete change
for the vacation and pleasing variety for the
paper correspondents
Besides there too many delightful spots this
full land tamey back to the old place year