davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
Ring Lardner Tells of Famous Beauty
Who Wanted to See Noon Life of City

an impression of what goes on in
places like the knickerbocker Club or
the Lambs or Sophie fuckers or
places like that?"
mo, Lardy," she would reply.
Editors note: She called him
| LardyJ
SO a party Of four or five of us. US
| ually consisting of H. L. Mencken,
the Marx Brothers, Ward and Vokes,
Barnum and Bailey, the Duncan Sis
tiers, the Striblings. the Bison City
Quartette, the Happiness Boys and
the Four Horsemen., besides myself
| and the Langtry, would daily engage
a corner table at Seventh avenue and
Thirty-third street and. as have said,
| enjoy the antics of the tradesmen out
| for their noon lark.
| At length Mayor Walker asked me
| to take Lii to Atlantic City, as she
! had never seen an auction sale. But
| 1t happened that just at this period
| a law had been passed against auc.
| tons, said to be the only law ever
passed in New Jersey. So all that the
| Langtry and I could find to do was
| walk up and down, walk up and down.
II noticed that she grew more and
more uninterested and one day she
yawned several times and then uttered
an exclamation Of tedium.
| mo WONDER" she said they call
! this the Bored Walk"
Copyright. 1920
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
Perfect Fool Makes Expert Decision
AS to Relative Speed of Heat and Cold
BY ED WYNN.

~ EAR MR.. WYNN: I am a
bookkeeper, and my vacation
starts next Saturday. 1t has
IL been so cold this Summer
am afraid won't get much
bathing. I am going to spend my va
cation at Coney Island. Can you tell
me how 1 will find the water?
Sincerely, l. SPILLINK.
Answer-That won't be hard; it's
right down where the beach is.
Dear Mr. Wynn: In this mornings
mail I received a circular from
plumber who claims he is selling a
new kind of stove which will save half
the coal / use in the stove l have
now. Do you advise me to buy one
of his new stoves?
Truly yours, I. M. kUR1OUS.
Answer-If your plumber is telling
the truth when he says his new stove
saves one.half Of your coal. why don't
you buy two Of his stoves and save all
your coal?
Dear Mr. Wynn: I have just re-
ceived a letter from a friend of mine
in which he says he intends coming
clean from Denver, Colo, to New York
on d DlCSCle DO yOu bCliCNO iiC Neah
do it?
Yours truly, HANSEN FEET.
Answer-He can come that TAR on
bicycle, but not clean.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Two friends of
mine left yesterday on a camping
trip. AS they left me l noticed that
each one had a stone jug in his hand
They told me they were taking them
along to use for their pillows. Don't
you think stone jugs are rather hard
things to sleep on?
Truly yours, MAY n. JUNE.
Answer-Your friends probably in
end filing the jugs with straw to
make them soft.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I have been suf
aring with indigestion and decided
} go to a doctor. I went to one, anG
said that 1 ate the wrong foods.
asked him for advice, and all he die
as to tell me to buy a plaid vest
nd wear it all the time. Now, why
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

10 curled up among
the sofa cushions.
He held out the book for me to
See
"Dauntless Ned among the Canni-
balls" he answered.
rs it exciting?" 1 inquired.
mot very" said the child, in a
matter-of-fact tone. But it's not
| bad
l took the book from him and read
aloud at the opened page.
savages rushed upon our hero,
shrieking with rage and brandishing
their huge clubs. Ned stood his
ground fearlessly, his back to a ba-
mana tree. With a sweep Of his cut
lass he severed the head of the lead
ing savage from his body, while with
a back stroke of his dirk he stabbed
another to the heart.
But resistance against such odds
was vain. BY sheer weight Of num-
bers, Ned was borne to the ground.
His arms were then pinioned with
stout ropes made of the fibers of the
boobooda tree. With shrieks of eX-
ultation, the savages dragged our
hero to an opening in the woods
| where a huge fire was burning, over
| which was suspended an enormous
| caldron Of bubbling oil. Boil him,
| boil him. yelled the savages, now
wrought to the point of frenzy"
That seems fairly exciting, isn't
| ito" I said
"Oh, he won't get boiled" said the
little boy. Hes the hero"
So I knew that the child had al
| ready taken his first steps in the
establishment of fiction.
Of course he was quite right as
| to Ned This wonderful youth. the
| hero with whom we all begin an &C.
Quaintance with books, passes unhurt
through a thousand perls. Canni-
balls. Apache Indians, war, battles,
shipwrecks, leave him quite "un-
flesh wound which is healed. in ex-
actly one paragraph, by that wonder
full drug called a simple"
But the most amazing thing about
this particular hero. the boy Ned,
all the great battles and leading
events of the world.
1t was Ned, for example, who at
the critical moment at Gettysburg
turned in his saddle to Gen. Meade
and said quietly. General, the day
is ours" III 1t is" answered Meade,
as he folded his field glass. you
alone, Ned, have saved It,"
In the same way Ned was present
at the crossing of the Delaware with
Washington. Thus
"'What. do you see, Ned?' said
Washington, as they peered from
the leading boat into the driving
snow.
lice said Ned. My boy said
the Great American General, and a
tear froze upon his face as he spoke,
YOU have saved US ALL"
| Here is Ned at Runnymede when
King John with his pen in hand was
about to sign the Magma Carta.
For a moment the King paused
irresolute. the uplifted quill in his
hand, while his crafty. furtive eyes
indicated that he might yet break
his plighted faith with the assembled
barons.
Ned laid his mailed hand upon
the parchment.
"'Sign it, he said sternly, or take
| the consequences
THE King signed.
Ned said the Baron de Bohun
as he removed his iron viZor from his
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

the Long -winded Immaculate who ac-
companied her as the Hero.
This heroine was Sylph. Her
chiefest charm lay In her physical fee
bleness. She was generally presented
to us in some such words as these
Let us now introduce TO our read
ers the fair Madeline Of RokeWoOd
Slender and graceful and Of form so
fragile that her frame scarce fitted TO
fulfill its bodily functions.
she appeared rather as one Of those
ethereal beings of the air who might
visit for a brief moment this terres-
trial scene than one of its earthly In
habitants. Her large. wondering eyes
looked upon the beholder in childike
innocence"
Sounds simple,s doesn't it? One
might suspect there was something
wrong with the girls brain.
But listen TO this
THE mind of Madeline. elegantly
formed by the devoted labors Of the
venerable Able. her tutor, was of
degree of culture rarely found in one
so young. Though scarce Is Sum-
mers had flown over her head al the
time when we introduce her TO our
| readers, she was Intimately convers-
ant with the French, Italian, Span
| ish and Provencal tongues.
THE abundant pages of history,
| both ancient and modern. sacred and
profane, had been opened for her by
| her devoted instructor. In music she
played with exquisite grace and accu-
racy upon both the spinet and the
| harpsichord, while her voice, though
lacking something in compass, was
sweet and melodious TO degree
| From such a list of accomplish
ments it is clear that Madeline could
/ have matrlcuiated. even at the Har-
! ward Law School, with ) minutes
! preparation. Is il any wonder that
there was wild rush for Madeline?
In fact, right after the opening de-
scription of the Heroine. there fol-
lows an ominous sentence such as
this.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

But, she was right in one respect
we didn't serve any chaperOns at
our party, none of the mothers could
come, they all had dates. But I had
every other item just like I wanted
it. To commence with, I made up
big bunch of little cakes with
pink and white icing. I had straw
berry ice cream, and succeeded In
cutting several rolls of perfectly
good pink crepe paper into ribbons
and hanging them on the dining
room chandelier without anybody
sending me to the nut farm to cut
my unnatural life.
even had the lemonade tinted
pink, and crepe paper napkins with
pink roses on them. Also pink
candy hearts. 1t certainly was a
real original party and wholesome
refreshment plan, and many time
when 1 have had it before for our
Ladies' Thursday Club, the ladies
have said my, but that is so pretty
and original. l don't see how you
ever think these things up. Mrs.
Jules!
However, Pet didn't seem to think
very much of it, all she says was,
why do you go to all that bother.
Aunt Jcuulc, YOU hlIOW NOiC wen
they will be just as happy without
crepe paper ribbons. Which showed
the child had a considerate spirit, or
so then thought, not realizing just
what she meant.
Well, the party was for 8
o'clock, daylight savings, and heav-
ems knows how they save that day
light, in what bank and what inter-
est it draws, none, that l know of.
except the interest of talking about
it and making it excuse for being
late, someplace.
Well anyways, that was the time
l had said, and so I was all dressed
up and ready to receive, and so was
Pet. That is to say, she had on
y yd. Of dress goods and a pair Of
high heels. The only thing kept her
from taking a heavy cold was her
bracelets. And around 9 the guests
commenced to drift inland out.
They would give one look at the
tiddlewinks, checkers and other nice
games which had laid out, and look
like they would also be laid out in
one minute more. Then they would
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
oUR LIVING ROOM WAS AS EMPTY AS scorcHMANs ICE

lift glass of pink punch, lift 9
eyebrow at Pet, and drift along out.
BY the time twenty-five Of the
boys and girls belonging to our bes
families had arrived, our living
room was as empty as a Scotch
mans ice box. Nobody would
thought I was giving a house-warn
ing, it looked more like a house
cleaning. These young folks seeme
to need the air as soon as they
rived. I had expected that so man
of the first families would give m
place quite an air. and they certainl'
give it the air. there wasn't no de
nying that,
Nobody seemed real interested il
the refreshments. even. And afte
restless, especially when we begun
to hear some sounds which she called
music from the house of that Mrs
Joe Bush, down the street. There b.,
| this time wasn't anybody left at the
party only Pet and I and George
anyways, and pretty soon Pet be
gun moving toward the front door,
I turned to give a look at the still
complete pile of pink tomato sand
| wiches, and when I went to speak
to Pet about it. well, it seemed that
Pet had also stepped out. I went
as far as the porch, my own self
then, and give a look in the gen
direction Of the Bush's house. and
| there sure enough was a few couples
doing the Charleston on her We
randa, and playing their ukes, and
l give a guess that there was a rea.
son why so many cars was parked
In her yard and none in ours.
George give me a call. then. Say,
he says, for the luvva tripe, he says
what's the matter with these young
people, anyways. it's a outrage to
have them act like this after all the
trouble you have taken, whatter you
conner do about it? He says. And
I made a grab for my hat. Where
are you going? he wanted to know.
1 am going over to the Joe Bushes
says. And George says good! You
are going over to stop them? And
says no, you better put away the
checkers, throw the tiddlewinks In
the waste basket. and come along, Tn
| not going to stop 'em, I'm going tc
| join 'em.
fCopyright. 1926)
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

in San Francisco Bay got its name
MN much the same Wayo
AT this time Lily Langtry was the
toast of New York. Costarred with
the Mark Brothers in "A Texas Steer,
she swept Broadway and was next
given job sweeping the cross streets
Mayor Walker presented her with the
keys TO St. Louis, but she refused tc
take the hint. and it became my duty
to show her around Gotham.
Editors note: A pseudonym for
New York;
Unlike Jane Austen, who had In
sisted on visiting the night clubs, Lily
wanted to see the city's noon life
Nothing gave her more of a thrill
than to lunch at one of the sidewalk
tables outside the Pennsylvania Sta.
ton and watch the zinc workers and
hatters at their midday revels.
"Vive"' she would shout as some
particularly daring peasant girl tossed
a ringer or leaner or an extra hila'
rious traffic policeman successfully
coaXed a perambulator in front of a
taxi or halloa cab, as they were then
called.
But listen. ILL.," often remon'
strated. don't you want to even gel
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

ONE thousand one hundred and
sixty keys, comprising 40 differ
ent alphabets, constitute the keyboard
of a high-speed typewriter recently in
vented by Washington lawyer, Fred
A Dolph. The inventor, who can
write $50 words q minute on the ordi.
nary typewriter, claims he Is able to
turn out 2S3 words a minute on his
new machine.
Each alphabet on the typewriter
extends in a single vertical line. Each
line carries a. capital shift. character
shift and release shift. Instead of
printing each letter separately, an
entire line is assembled at one time
and then pressed on the paper by a
special lever. The machine has no
ribbon, as the special lever inks each
line when it presses 1t against the
paper. Mr.. Dolph states he has been
working on the invention for rs years
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
Ethereal Madeline and Noble Ned Have
Share in Record Runs for Heroic Folk

1T was this exquisite being whom
Lord Rip de Vigorous. a man whose
reputation had led to his Punishment
from the presence Of the king, had
sworn to get within his power"
With two such characters in the
story, the scene was set and the plot
and adventures followed as a matter Of
course. Lord Rip de Vigorous pur-
sued the Heroine. But at every step
to a ruined tower at midnight
But at the critical moment, Lord
de Vigorous is baked. AT the very
instant when he is about TO seize her
in his arms. Madeline turns upon
him and says in such icy tones.
Titled villain that you are, unhand
me- that the man is "Cowed" He
sinks down the ruined stairway
''cowed." And at every later turn.
at each renewed attempt, Madeline
cows him in like fashion.
Moreover, while Lord de Vigorous
is being thus cowed by Madeline the
Heroine. he is also being "dogged" by
the Hero. This counterpart of Made
line who shared her popularity for so
years can best be described as the
Long-winded Immaculate Hero.
Entirely blameless in his morals.
and utterly virtuOus in his conduct,
he possessed at least one means OF
defending himself. He could mako
speeches. This he did on all occa-
sions. With these speeches he dog
ged" Lord de Vigorous. Here is the
style of them:
My Lord. said Markham ."
| incidentally let IL he explained that
this particular brand of hero was al
ways known by his surname and his
surname was always Markham
| My Lord. the sentiments that you
express and the demeanor which you
| have evinced are so greatly at vari-
ance with the title that you bear and
| the lineage of which you spring that
no authority that YOU can exercise
and no threats that YOU are able to
command shall deter me from ex-
pressing that for which however
poor and inadequate my powers Of
| speech, all these of whom and for
what | am. shall answer to il for the
! integrity Of that, which, whether or
not. is at least as 1t is. My lord. I
| have done. Or shall I speak more
plainly still?"
I 1t Is to be wondered that after this
Lord Rip sank into chair a hideous
CONFUSION upon his face, murmuring:
ut Is enough?
| Copyright. 1920
| Ito Re ContinuedJ
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
authors note: What of it?)


These early subway cars had straps.
stout leather straps. but they We're
not fastened to the roofs of the cars.
They were loose and were used either
for sharpening raZors or for amuse-
ment. purposes. Passengers used TO
play a game called Have You Heard
This One?" Each passenger was ne.
ouired to tell a story and II any or
the other passengers had heard 1t
before. the raconteur was given
hiding with the straps. This was
where Growell Kitchell picked up
most of his welts.
1t was during the early days of the
subway that Emile lola visited New
York and remarked in broken French:
Why. you New Workers are ike
re little animals, what you call them,
Ze moles. You are always burro"-
ing in re ground. Horace Greeley
was much taken With this comment
and made "A suggestion that was att
erwards put into effect-that the city
be divided into burrows, the Burrow
of Brooklyn, the Burrow OF the
Bronx, etc.
Editors note: The Oakland Mole
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

bronze face. thou hast this day saved
all England"
In the stories of our boyhood in
which Ned figured there was no such
thing as heroine, or practically none.
AT best she was brought in as an
afterthOught. 1t was ANNOUNCED on
page 301 that at the close of Ned's
desperate adventures in the West In
dies he married the beautiful daugh-
ter of Don Diego, the Spanish Gov
ernor Of Portobello, or else at the end
OF the great war with Napoleon that
he married a beautiful and accom-
plished French girl whose parents had
persisted in the revolution.
Ned generally married away from
home. In fact, his marriages were in
tended to cement the nations, torn
asunder by Ned's military career. But
sometimes he returned to his native
town, all sunburned, Scared and
bronZed from battle the bronzing eff
feet Of being in battle is always noted).
He had changed from a boy to a man:
that is. from boy of Is to man Of
16. In such a case Ned marries in his
own home town. 1t is done after this
fashion,:
But who is this who advances
smiling to greet him as he crosses the
familiar threshold OF the dear old
| home? Can this tall, bea utiful girl
be Gwendoline, the child playmate Of
| his boyhood?"
Well, can it? l ask 1t Of every eX-
| perienced reader-can 1t or can 1t not?
Ned had his day in the boyhoOd OF
/ each OF us. We presently passed him
| by. l am speaking, of course. of those
! of us who are of maturer years and
can look back upon 80 or 40 years Of
| fiction reading. Ned" fiourishes still,
| / understand. among the children of
! today. But now he flies in airplan es.
| and dives in submarines. and gives his
Invaluable military advice 10 general
STATS and war colleges.
| But with the oncoming adolescent
| years the Ned" of the Adventure
Books We supplanted by the Roman.
tic HerssAe Of the Victorian Age and
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
Life Span Not, Increased.
THE expectation Of life at birth hs

THE expectation Of life at birth has
increased greatly in the past few
years lin London. for instance. from
Ill years to SO years., but the eXpecta-
ton Of life of the elderly has not in
crea sed in proportion. In other words.
more people live to an old age now
than used to- but they do not live to
any older age. The upper limit of
mans life span has not been raised
appreciably, indicating that perhaps,
despite all that science can do, the
human body will simply wear out
within the usua1 time.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15

in the world does he want me to wear
plaid vest?
Sincerely, E. SHAKE.
Answer-He simply wants you to
keep a check on your stomach.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: L have just bought
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
CHAPTER SEVEN.
Ring Lardner's Autobiography.

"HE furore over the invention
of horses by Thomas A. Edl-
son had no sooner abated than
the country was thrown into a
new ferment of grape juice
by John r. C'Peaches'D Hylan's dis
covery of the subway. People who
now ride in subways in various cities
and complain of strap-hanging, over
rrovding, etc, would scarcely believe
the facts concerning that first New
York subway. or tuber as it was called
on account of its resemblance to a
potato. Instead of being obliged to
ltay a nickel apiece for a ride. passen'
gers were sent engraved invitations
and the number of same was limited
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

~ WHAT are you reading?"
# '' :s: n e ;:: :% ss :
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1926-08-15
, High.Speed Typewriter.

(To Be Continued.)
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-02-10
EXTREMES MEET

Soviet Russia and Fascist Italy,
ostensibly diametrically opposed in
theory of government. are neverthe-
less both in fact tyrannies. That
may explain how these professed ex-
tremes illustrate an old saying, as
the former Is to abolish pre-war
literature, while Italy Is compelled to
read a fascist-controlled press pub
licly wearing its muzzle.
The soviet attempts to abolish his
tory in Russia. This may in a de-
gree be accomplished with the
peasant masses, but are other Rus
slams to forget Tolstoi. are they to
remain inarticulate, are they never to
tell the peasant the truths and the
traditions handed down in Russian
literature? We cannot believe it. In
the end the soviet broom will be nc
more effective than that of those
used for sweeping back the ocean.
And the Italian people, the masses
Of whom are said to be greatly
superior to the Russian peasants in
intelligence, and who have given
evidence of capacity for independent
thinking, are they to be swayed by a
suborned press and denied the
privilege of choice between opinions
1t is incredible that this will be
tolerated.
Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1926-02-10
Editors Table

Fourteen Authors "Look at Life. A
review by Grant Overton, author of
"Cargoes for Crusoes."
An extraordinary book is out. 1t is
not a book that you can enter a
bookstore and buy. 1t goes only to
the readers of Cosmopolitan Maya
zine.
LAS I Look at Life has fourteen
chapters each written by a famous
writer, each lived before 1t was writ
ten, before it could be written.
1t is a mistake to think that writ
ers of fiction make up stories out of
their heads. ! know a fair number
of writer's; know none whose work
is not transformed from some phase
of his own experience. sheltered out
of the difficult ore of life itself.
las 1 Look at Life" has an intro
duction by Ray Long, editor of Cos
mopolitan. one of the great editors of
the present generation, which means
one of the great editors of all time.
Here, for example. is a woman who
planned to murder her husband. or
course Edwina Levin Macdonald
didn't do it. Why not? She lived
through disappointment, humiliation
and bitterness. but there came a
moment in those unspeakable years
when she pitied him.
Or take the marvellous chapter con-
tributed by Basil King. What You
Feel and Do When You Find You Are
>Going Blind" This tragic discovery
befell the author of The Inner
Shrine" and THE Conquest of Fear
lessly in one career and had no foot
hold in another.
after the Divorce" by Arthur
it makes you think.
You can't review a book of this
sort except by reading it. One of
the finest chapters is Alice Robes
IL Was Dying-I Made 1t My Job To
Get Well"
The chapter titles tell you as much
as you ought to know-as much. In
fact. as you can know-until you
read LAS l Look at Life" Here are
the ones not already referred to, and
If you think they are not as good,
You are wrong:
ITS Great to Be Sober Again." by
Charles w. Wood.
MY Baby Made Me a Sister to
All Women" by Helen Bullitt Lowry.
Il Was That Sort Of Woman" by
Elizabeth Bishop.
Whats in My Name" by Neysa
McMein.
Il Am No Hero to My Sons
Thank Goodness" by Arthur Somers
Roche.
How Can They All Be Wrong ?"
by Frederick L. Collins. who has ex-
perimented with horoscopes and
things.
II learned a Lot From the Folks
Back Home" by VIII H. Hays.
I'm Deaf But Don't Look It." by
Royal Brown.
"The Way to Live to a Ripe Old
Age is tc Forget it," by DR.. Harvey
w. Wiley, the food expert.
OF course, we have got to have
more books like CAS- Look at Life"
Soon, please!