davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1926-03-28

and criticize the way dragged up my
child, and believe you me. / saw no
reason why l should furnish that
woman with all that amusement free
gratis for nothing and feed her, be-
sides!
Well put on my hat and sad ex-
preston, and went on over to the
Bushes house, and there what would
l find only Mabel Bush laid up with
her leg in a sling. Why dear. she
says, real sunny and cheerful, before
l got chance to open my mouth.
Do come in. dear. she says, I'm de-
lighted to have company. / am the
most lucky woman In the world; here
| go break my leg, and first thing /
know, in you come for a visit.
Yes, of course, 1t pains a little, but
what Of that. My but l was lucky to
get off with broken leg. 1t might of
been my neck. or my jaw, even. and
only think, then wouldn't be able to
talk. 1t was sure fortunate my tongue
didn't get sprained. Yes, we went
right through the windshield and the
car is in smithereens. It's a total
wreck, but my dear, weren't we lucky.
though? The car wasn't paid for
and the company had just foreclosed
on it. Joe was driving 1t downtown
to give 1t up, and my dear, Only
think. suppose We had paid up on 1t
and the loss was ours. do think
we are the luckiest people In the
world!
X X X X
lust here Mabel paused long
enough to give the sunniest smile,
but not long enough to allow me to
get a word in edgewise And whatter
you think? she went on brightly, this
accident come at the best time pos
sible, on account joe lost his job, and
he hasn't the faintest idea where to
look for another one, SO he can be
around the house all the time and
look after me.
I'll say this is fortunate, on account
I could hardly get about to take care
IF our Junior, which he is down with
ihe measles. poor child. / do think
It's wonderful that he caught them at
this particular time. because he's
been so we'll all along I'm sure he'll
get through them splendid, and then
he'll be over and done with and off
my mind and / won't have them to
look forward to.
Did you know we lost our dog? she
says, well, we did, and isn't 1t lucky
it happened right now, he would Of
been barking all the time, I couldn't
of stood it, besides he wasn't our dog,
we was merely taking care of him
for q friend. He was big eater.
too, and a awful responsibility. He
was a Spanish Roach-hound-they
are awful rare and very expensive
and now, with everything turning out
Evening star., 1926-03-28
Mardi Gras Festivities Are Explained,
After Ring Has Enjoyed Big Celebration

as good size raisin and they told us
that on the day before he had been
riding down the stretch g. nose in the
lead when his mounts saddle come un-
buttoned and in order to make his
victory legal he had to hold the
blanket with the weight bag between
his knees till he crossed the finish line
and as soon as he done that he raised
up and everything fell off the horse
but the name.
Little Johnson wouldn't talk about
this achievement, but was very proud
of a craWflsh he had catched vile out
looked to him like a porpoise would
to anybody else. I asked him in a
joking way If he had ever rode a
crawtish. He said no. Well, we went
out for the next race and I said a
jockey that was game enough to do
what he had done the previous day
was worth a bet, SO bet on his mount
and he can't say no more that he
never rode a crawfish.
Another celebrity encountered at the
track was Jakey Atz, who was I'd
baseman for the White Sox the first
2 yrs. l run around with them. OF
late yrs. Jake has been managing Ft.
Worth, Tex, and when he don't win
pennant down there and then the
little world serious with the champs of
the Southern league he spends the
Winter in widows weeds. without
naming no names I could name a good
many spots where Jake would At In
pretty good as mgr. in what is laugh
ingly known as the big leagues.
The next to the last night in New
Orleans I set up till a early hr. dis.
gusting literature with none other
than Sherwood Anderson, born III
Clyde, Ohio. and we reached the def
mite conclusion that they's only peo-
pie IN the world that can write a
short story.
All and all found that New Orleans
pretty near lived up to its nickname,
but l would not christen it no health
resort during Mardi Gras time.
Evening star., 1926-03-28

so nicely. why we haven't that terri
BILE responsibility of looking after him
any more. And I says. we'll, you seem
to have lots Of good news. dear.
And Mabel says, oh my. yes, but
you haven't heard the half Of 1t. Did
you know our garage burned down
last night? Well. it did, but weren't
we lucky, the house wasn't even
touched, and seeing the car was gone
why we didn't lose a thing, only a
few trunks and some furniture Mrs.
Goofnah had stored there, and only
think, dear, we was planning to fix
up some hot frames to raise mort
cages in, or raise mortgages to put
some hot frames in, l forget which,
but anyways, wasn't we In luck that
we hadn't done it yet? And the
garage made the loveliest bonfire you
ever saw. just at the right time. too.
on account the electric lights went
out last night just at the same mo.
ment the fire started and / don't know
how we could of seen to get supper
without it.
WELL, by the time Mabel run out
w of breath there wasn't any time
left for me to tell her my troubles. l
hadder get back home to Ak Junior s
dinner. Anyways. l sort Of felt where
after all perhaps Mabel wouldn't t
understand my troubles or appreciate
me telling them to her In fact /
wasn't exactly sure l understood or
appreciated them my own personal
self. So | merely says. good bye, dear,
you certainly seem to have unusual
luck, to say the least of it. I think
you are wonderful brave soul,
honest, | don't see how you bear it
the way you do.
And then / went on back home,
feeling kinda ashamed of myself, and
also thinking where / was pretty
lucky my own self. not to of told my
amateur troubles before l knew about
her professional ones. And no sooner
was l in the house then who would
call up on the phone only George. and
he had finished reading his mothers s
letter.
Say, darling. says Geo over the
wire, If you are worried over mother
coming to visit you needn't any more.
She says in her letter she thinks it Is
time she was paying a little visit to
the dentist, and If you had let me
read you the whole entire sentence
in the first place, you needn't of wor.
ried all day over nothing.
And / says who's talking about
worries, amt got one In the world,
what / said this morning still goes
nobody's got troubles like l have for
the simple reason / haven't got any.
And then l hung UP, thinking how
true the old saying Is, IT'S always
darkest before something dawns on
your
Copyright. 1926.)
Evening star., 1926-03-28

years old. My father says crickets
are more wonderful than John Philip
Sousa, Irving Berlin and Paul White
man. Why does he say that?
Yours truly. B. FLAT.
Answer: Your father means that
crickets make music with their hind
legs and that's more than any of
those fellows can do.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I hear that In
Hindustan they don't have dentists.
The people take out their teeth with
their fingers. Don't you think that
is wonderful?
Sincerely, EYMAN PANE.
Answer: Nothing wonderful about
that. We have thousands of people
in this country who take their teeth
out, with their fingers, every night
before going to bed.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: What will be. the
difference between present times and
the days when women will have all
equal rights?
Yours truly,
I. c. A. CONSPIRACY.
Answer: At the present time wom-
en- have their faces on coins. theil
Evening star., 1926-03-28

hands in mems pockets. their eyes
on mems sons. Equal rights will
merely give them the opportunity to
put their moses" in mems business.
That's all.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 have been keep
ing company with travelling sales
man. Last night he asked me- to
marry him. lie said he would always
love me from February to May and
September to December. What does
he mean by promising to only love me
certain months in the year?
Truly yours, HUGH SHUDNO.
Answer: He's travelling the other
months.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
Ed Wynn. as he has often told you, ia one
OF the wisest men in the world. He sees
stump him with any kind of a question
II you do. send it to him in care Of the
editor Of this paper and watch for his reply
fCoDyrlght. 1926.b
The author of the old English bal
lad. Babes in the Wood" is un-
known. The ballad was entered in
the statieners' register in 1896. The
first play by that name. produced in
1901, was derived from the Italian.
Evening star., 1926-03-28

1--WE certainly do things" / agrees.
I'm wondering" goes on High
Dome" whether we do more things
or overdo them"
What do you mean-overdo?" /
asks.
II was just thinking of this Florida
boom says Finnegan.
oh" / shrugs, II suppose some
folks have bought more land than they
should have"
That isn't what I've had in mind" :"
interrupts High Dome" Here's an
example of a perfect Developments
development based on real stuff-be-
ing overadvertised to DEATH"
az didn't know" 1 remarks, that 1t
was possible to advertise anything too
much, especially real estate"
you didn't, eh?" comes back Finne-
gan. Take a look at this Florida
thing. You tell a guy that you've just
bought lot near Miami or Palm
Beach, and what do you get?"
"An offer?" I suggests.
"a laugh" returns High Dome"
six months ago a guy would brag
about having got a swell piece of land
in Florida. Today he keeps 1t a secret
and bushes if you happen to find out
about it,
"Why?' 1 inquiries us buy there
now such doubtful play?"
mot at ALL" says Finnegan. But
Florida has been advertised so much
in such ballyhoo ways that being con-
nected with 1t is like buying stock in
the sideshow of a circus. Imagine hir
ing jazz bands. follies beauties. profes-
sional foot ball teams and ex-pugs to
convince patrons of the value of acre
age,'
WELL" says I. you've got to bring
your folk to the market II you want to
pedCile 'em fish,"
Evening star., 1926-03-28

boom has been a lot of bologny?"
asks.
Nothing of the kind" snaps F'inne-
gan There has been a real boom
down there, thousands of acres have
been sold, fiocks of hotels have been
built, but the ballyhoo has magnified
the numbers by five or six hundred
per cent. The whole thing was stage
managed wrong"
How" l asks.
1T was all right to whoop things
up" says High Dome" "to get folks
talking about Florida, but after they
got 'em coming, and coming fast, the
promoters should have switched
around and got dignified. The adver-
tisements ought TO have been as quiet
as bank ads and all the jazz stuff cut
out. Bands and night clubs and
things of that sort don't advertise
home sites; they advertise resorts.
You don't buy a house because there's
a night club in the same block, do
you?"
Lots of people might 1 suggests.
"Those kinds of people would never
do Florida any good" returns Finne-
gan. "1f Florida wants to be the big
gest Winter resort in the world it's on
the right track, but it's lay on the
home gag is all wrong"
What do you think'll happen
when the boom ends?" l inquiries.
1T practically has already" says
High Dome" but Florida has a lot
of other things besides real estate
agents to keep 1t alive. The climate
is great. the fact that they have no
income and estate taxes down there
will steadily draw rich folks and the
so forths. but the folks will have to
get last years hysteria out of their
system before they really start going
ahead. You got to bring a guys
fever down before you start feeding
him nourishing food"
You ever been to Florida?" | asks.
No says Finnegan. That's
why l can talk SO freely about it,
Downright 1926O
Evening star., 1926-03-28
Pep and Energy in the United States
And How 1t Helps Along in Big Boom

''Yeh," agrees High Dome" But
after you get 'em to the market there's s
no sense in tying up your sales talk
with a pageant of women, two or three
bands, vaudeville and stuff of that sort.
II you went to buy fish. and while
you were looking at the fish the dealer
started playing the harmonica you'd
figure there was something wrong
with the fish and he was trying to
keep your attention from it, wouldn't
you?"
PERHAPS" says /. But there's
some difference between buying fish
and Florida real estate"
"Only," grins FinneSan, that the
promoters down there. by paying
vaudeville actors around the country
to sing Florida songs and crack
Florida jokes and junk of that sort,
are killing off the golden eggs they've
been trying to drag down. Don't you
laugh now when somebody tells you
about a bargain he got in Florida?"
'I guess you're right about that"
admits, "but laughing don't stop
people from buying"
Laughing doesn't" comes back
High Dome" but being laughed at
does. Ridicule, or the fear of it, will
keep a man from doing anything. His
best Judgment might be that this and
this is a good thing, but If he knows
he'll get the laugh from his friends
for buying it he'll lay off. Why do you
think man can stand on a street cor
ner and offer $40 gold pieces for $40
and not sell any?"
why. Mr.. Bonehead?" / bites.
Because" answers Finnegan. "the
folks passing by don't want to take d
chance of being laughed at in case the
20 turned out TO be red hot or just
phony. A year ago a man could have
bought a piece of land in Florida,
maybe taken small loss on the sale
of it and nobody would have particu-
larly noticed the transaction. Buy a
lot today and take loss and see what
your friends will do to you the rest
Evening star., 1926-03-28

dertake to use at least the inclosed
five tickets.
Very faithfully,
J. BRAZIL NUT,
Secretary of the S. w. G.
LETTER NO. 8.
Dear Sir:
In thanking you for your very gem
erous subscription for five tickets for
the guild vaudeville entertainment of
last Saturday, which you were not
able to attend, ! desire to inform you
that the performance was an unquali-
fed success. Although slightly de-
layed in starting and not beginning
until a quarter to IL, and briefly
interrupted later on by the going out
of the electric lights for half an hour,
the whole affair was most enjoyable.
Unfortunately the paid members cost
US heavily, and out of all proportion
to our receipts. l regret TO say that
we are face to face with q deficit of
some 81 600.
In order to avoid the heavy per-
sonal assessment represented by this
sum, our committee now proposes to
hold, three weeks from today, an in
door kermess, or bazaar, to last for
three days. 1t is suggested that We
engage the Armories Building and
have the floor divided up into booths.
The kermess Will undertake the
sale of great variety Of goods, which
will be purchased in advance by funds
advanced by various members of the
guild who have been elected patrons
and associate patrons. 1t is under.
stood that an associate patron may
advance 81 900. receiving It back out
Of the profits, while q patron has the
privilege of advancing $4,000. ! am
glad to inform you also that you have
been elected unanimously to be a pa
trOn.
Our need of the profits of this kerr
mess is all the greater in so much as
the cases reported by our field work
ers increase in numbers and in grav-
ity. We have before us the case of
a family from Honolulu. who have
recently arrived here and are sorry
that they came.
But we look forward confidently to
the success of our forthcoming ker-
mess.
Very faithfully yours,
j. BRAZIL NUT.
Evening star., 1926-03-28

Of your life. That's what ballyhooing
has done for the Florida real estate
business"
You don't mean to tell me-"
""owls, that the promoters down
there hired vaudeville actors and gag
writer's to poke fun at Florida real
estate like most of 'em do?"
II do" returns High Dome" II
was talking to an actor the other day
who plays the small time out in the
corn belt. A real estate baby offered
him $50 a week to work in Florida
gags in his chatter"
What do you-want-boost stuff?"
the actor asked him.
Il don't care what you say" came
back the promoter, 'as long as YOU get
the words West Florida into your talk.
All the people need these days is to
get Florida mentioned to 'em to go
crazy, mortgage the old shack, pile
their duffie into a lizzie and trek
South"
Maybe you're right" says L about
the game down there being ballyhooed
too much. but the fact remains that
they've sold a lot of land and made a
bunch of jack"
There's been lot of options traded
around" replies High Dome" but.
as matter of cold fact, I'll bet the fig
ures at the end of five years, when
folks get a chance to cool down. will
show that there were more real sales
of real estate in Iowa in 1925-'26 than
they were in Florida. Remember that
every time piece of land was peddled
in Florida it called for page ads in the
newspapers, three or four band con-
certs and a night club revue, while
the sale of square block in the busi-
ness district of Des Moines only got a
three-line mention in the Iowa papers.
I'm just taking Iowa for example In
New York and Illinois they probably
trade more in day than they have
in Florida since Ponce de Leon was
looking around for a shot in the
arteries"
"Then you think that al the Florida
Evening star., 1926-03-28
Revolving Gas Tank.
COMPOSED Of two cylinders.

COMPOSED Of two cylinders, one
revolving inside Of the other, a
special gasoline tank for airplanes,
tested at McCook Field, did not leak
after being struck by machine-gun
bullets. 1t is said to be 40 per cent
lighter than other protected tanks of
it's kind, and is designed to be equip.
ped with an automatic release so that
it may be dropped from the plane in
case Oh a crash, thus eliminating the
danger of disastrous fires and explo-
afnDM
Evening star., 1926-03-28
Geter Philosophy Hunting Sympathy and Other Phenomena
Our Social Workers Guild Just Needed
To Be Taken in Hand by Real Experts
LETTER NO. 4.

Dear Sir:
In writing to inform you of the
disastrous failure of the kermess held
by this guild, for which your name
was put down as a patron, we feel 1t
only proper to say that the failure
was due to no lack of interest on the
part of members. The financial fall
ure arose very largely from the fact
that the articles disposed of were sold
at a much lower price than what was
paid for them.
But all agree that there need have
been no loss if the premises had been
bigger, the restaurant larger, the
music louder and the crowds greater.
/ am now laying before our commit
tee plan for holding festival, which
is to last one month. 1t will be held
in one of the larger hotels, the entire
building being taken over for our pur-
pose.
AS before. we are nominating pa
irons who are (. tiled to underwrite,
or subscribe, or guarantee, any sum
over $50 900, which they feel disposed
to offer. All such sums will be paid
back on the last day Of the festival.
Yours very faithfully,
]. BRAZIL NUT.
LETTER NO 5.
This time from the honorary
president of the society-Mr. Tridout
Solidhead, one of our leading business
men.)
Dear Sir:
In refusing to accept your very gen
erous resignation from the Social
Workers Guild, / beg to inform you
that we have decided to suspend for
the present the plan of a. festival pro-
posed by Mr.. ]. Brazil Nut. Instead
of this we are accepting the resigna-
tion Of Mr.. Nut from his position
of secretary, and we are proposing to
give him a gold watch with chain
and paddock as mark of our esteem.
The presentation will be made at
a dinner which will be given to Mr..
Nut before he is taken away to
where he is going.
am sure that YOU will be delighted
to subscribe to the dinner (25 cents)
and t. the cost of the watch 30
cents per member).
Our new committee have looked
into some of our urgent field cases
and disposed Of them 1t appears
that the family from Cyprus were al
luding to Cyprus, Ohio. and we have
invited them to walk there.
The man from Honolulu we are
having taught 10 play the Hawaiian
ukulele. and we have got for the man
with the wooden leg a situation as a
timber cruiser with a lumber COM
pany.
We have meantime put the ques-
tions of the back deficit into the
hands Of a group of business men.
They propose to wipe it out by hold
ing a small entertainment at which
(by special license from the munic-
ipality) they will operate a roulette
table and a faro bank. with the sale
of cold drinks. selected by a business
committee, on the side. They are
now looking for a suitable place about
II feet by 10 to hold this entertain
ment in.
Meantime we trust you will recon
slider your resignation. We are hav.
ing this matter of a public charity
looked into by some of our best bust
ness men. Already they incline TO
the idea that if it is carried on in the
right spirit and with proper energy
and self-sacrifice. there may be
money in it.
Very sincerely.
A. TRIDOUT SOLIDHEAD.
iCODyrlght. 1g2H1
Evening star., 1926-03-28
BY RING LARDNER.

T o the Editor: 1t is over a month
ago that I seen the Mardi
Gras in New Orleans, which
has modestly nicknamed itself
Americas most interesting
city, but anybody who has went
through the throws of that carnival
and it's sideshows will back me up
in saying that it takes at least
month to get well enough to write
few wds. in regards to same.
Well / always thought this here
carnival was a thing where the riff
and raft got out in the middle of the st.
and smeared each other with confetti
and tickled your neck with a feather
on the end of a stick and blowed horns
in your ear drums and that is the
kind OF a frolic l had been looking
forwards to with more or less glee,
so imagine the shock to my tender
sensibles when it turned out that the
Evening star., 1926-03-28

II recently started III our
n town--as I suppose most
NN. people have started in
most toWnS--an organtza-
tion called the Social
Workers Guild. Our idea was that
we would try to do good In the COM
munity around us. We would send
children from the slums down to the
sea and bring children up from the
sea to go to college,
Wherever we should find a poor
widow living in q basement with
string of children we would turn up
with "a great basketful of toys. If a
plumber were out of work and nearly
in despair. one of our agents would
| drop a broken furnace into his lap.
Anybody who has ever felt the fas-
cination of that kind Of thing knows
just what | mean.
And the best of it all was that all
the cost OF doing good was to be met
by the proceeds OF entertainments
organized by the guild. so that really
we were to give our money without
knowing 1t and have all the fun
thrown In
I don't want to say a single word
against the general idea of such So
cial guilds as ours. But, as / have
been led to terminate absolutely and
forever my own membership in the
guild, | will explain the reason for
my doing so by publishing my corre-
spondence with Mr.. j. Brazil Nut, the
secretary of the league, or rather the
series Of letters sent by Mr.. Brazil
Nut to me:
LETTER NO. I.
Dear Sir:
bao +o {,foy,,, ,,o,, +ba+ @ha cov,o
mittee OF the guild has discovered a
very distressing case Of a family who
came here from Cyprus two years
ago and are anxious to return home,
but are unable to do so. At the pres
ent time they are living in a small
apartment of which we need only say
that not a single window faces the
south and the door bell is apparently
permanently out of order.
The father OF the family is a good
workman and only too willing to
work. His trade is that of a camel
driver. and hitherto he has been un-
able to find a camel. But he says
that II money could be found he would
go back to Cyprus, where he knows
of a camel.
Our committee, considering the
| case a deserving one. has decided to
| hold a dance in the Social Guild
| Workers Hall on Saturday evening
| next. 1t IS proposed to engage Bin1-
| basti's Orchestra, and, in view of the
distressing nature of the case. to
serve a light supper. for which tables
may be reserved by telephone.
The price Of the tickets, of which
| am venturing to send you two. will
be $40 each. the ticket carrying with
| it the privilege Of eating supper or
| leaving 1t.
Yours very faithfully.
j. BRAZIL NUT.
Secretary of the S. w. G.
LETTER NO. ..
| Dear Sir:
I have much pleasure in thanking
you for your very generous subscrip.
| tion for two tickets for the dance
and supper given last week by the
guild In aid of distressed family
from Cyprus and in informing you
that the affair was organized and
carried through with great success
and with great enjoyment by all con-
cerned. Some so couples participated
I,1 rl1 IL. ~