davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-03-29

biggest barracuda he ever seen when
the last named grabbed the piano
wire on the end of the line and bit
same in and spared both himself
and I lot Of embarrassment. We
have troubles enough keeping our
piano in shape on Long Island with
out no barracuda helping himself to
the G string whenever they get
hungry.
Before we left Nassau Paul Gard
ner invited US all out sharking, but
couldn't go along but the rest of
the boys went and didn't get no
sharks and If I had knew they was
going to have that kind of luck
would Of went with them. The way
they fish for sharks is to kill young
goat and drop 1t over the side of the
boat and make the water all buggy
SO as to get the shark excited and
then they throw in a line with q
hunk Of red meat on the hook, and
the shark Is supposed to think that
is where the blood come from and
make a grab for the hook, and then
you have got him, but 1t seems to me
that if sharks was that dumb they
Evening star., 1925-03-29

'Ouchesi 70 defiate, gprunging up
wards while throwing him away &
Topping to my footwars. My mouth
shot cotton & tools all over that dem
tistry.
0TNACGURATED fool of a teeth
grinder" whoopee. while
you stand there talking gas. gas.
gass all the time, why you no pump
d little of that die-away breeze into
my sisteu SO I can sleep while you
murder me with your savidge tooth
cutters?"
"Ah" he report with love, we do
not use gas for such slight work any
more. So much of IL are needed for
reely serial cases that we hate to
waste 1t on such very little nuisances
as toothache.
Then if you will not gas me l
shall take all my teeth home with me
and put them where 1 please" 1 en-
rage.
"Oh, very we'll, IL So" he dib. Il
could give you quite a number Of
whiffs, If required. But I wish warn
you. Gas are very dangerus. But
everybody have his peculiarities.
Gwendolyn, bring in the bagi"
Nexly l knew sweet Japanese nurse
approach up to me with something
in a balloon. Shoosh! She open cow
cattishly that bag what commence
blowing in my face without chivalry.
Whose canary bird was singing then
on my ear? Nextly 1 knew 1 were
setting on a star with Mrs. Ma Fergu
son, talking about Einstein. We
cannot keep carpet tacks in Texas
since the ostriches came" say Ma.
Maybe you could do better with
shrimp salad" I snuggest.
What then please?
set up in that dentistry chair &
observe DR.. Fruoshima holding 41-3
of my teeth just like he owned them.
III you did not woke up so soonly,
he say with sweetly smiling, Il could
have pulled several more"
But / do not wish lose several
more" I collapse.
After what you have just took, :
he sniggle, Il should think you could
took a joke also"
What are it 1 just took?" I snarreL
Laughing gas" he guggle with
happy expression. ] am unlimited.
Hoping you are the same
Yours truly
HASHIMURA TOGO.
Copyright, 1929
Evening star., 1925-03-29
ABit of the Lighter Side

tion, which had not entirely faded
when the reverend gentleman an
nounced the second hymn:
please fiddle and sing hymn No.
23."
Almost a. litter was audible, dis
creetly covered at once by lusty sing
ing. When the time came to an
nounce the third and closing hymn
the old minister said, clearly and dis
tinctly:
Let us sing and fiddle and fiddle
and sing hymn No. 104."
THE case was tried in an Iowa
court. why did you shoot the
dog?" asked the justice. The owner
has proved that the animal was of a
quiet nature and never disturbed any
one"
We'll, he was" admitted the de-
fendant. I've never heard him howl
at ALL but he always looked as If he
was just about to do SO. He would
come out into the yard dozen times
at night, squat down. look at the
moon, draw his breath, open his
mouth and fix himself for a howl
from here to Jericho, then change his
mind. crawl under the porch and go
to sleep. No, never heard him howl,
but the suspense was killing me-.
Evening star., 1925-03-29
IF eaI EeR @ 6S R oRT T GN E E roH MUST

any later then the day before the
second.
But its use amt confined to this
particular month. in fact / guess 1t
amt confined at all, and appears to
be getting less so with every new
prefer the classic numbers, we only
get the others to keep up with what's
going on in the world.
April Fool. April amt the month
in which the fiappers go around with
fur on every place except the ones
which need to be kept warm, such
as the throat, legs, etc. And it amt
even the month for female straw
hats to show any more. January is
knows, the felts are stylish nowadays
as soon as the sun begins to get nice
and warm on the head.
If all the fellers that rock boats
and grab at the steering wheel of
your car had been born April First,
the storks OF this country must of
been a exhausted bunch of birds the
morning after. The bores that don't
know when to go home don't hold
their annual convention in the second
month of Spring neither. That's the
trouble, they don't hold no conven-
tion at all. not even the ones of ordi-
nary considerateness. The cubist
painters and the modernest poets &C
around without a leash practically
any time of the year, and the male
jelly-bean don't keep his trick flip
per-fapper pants for any one particu-
lar day. April Fools, The ideal!
In other words, what l doped out.
sitting there thinking while Annie
Gooch played a welcome tune upon
our washing machine, was that may
be ! wouldn't take no revenge on
Junior and George for the mean
things they done to me. ! decided
where maybe it was kinda of a
healthy business to set aside a day
on which to make fool out of any
body you could including yourself, II
nature hadn't already beaten you to It.
!; x
A ND I also decided where | would
"A get up a paper and read it, unless
forcibly prevented, at our Ladies'
Thursday Club, and the paper would
be a serious one, see, full of words
the girls wouldn't understand, SOS
they couldn't hold me entirely re-
Sponsible after.
1 would make in this essay a sug-
gestion for some of the self elected
Evening star., 1925-03-29

So I merely says, say Mabel, did
you hear that Old General Bluster
was dead? And she says my heavens.
no when? And l says we'll, I didn't
hear 1t either, April Fool. and hung
up, glad to think we have got such
a humorous family. we can all see
a joke when the crack is broad
enough.
But hadn't yet decided what would
I do TO punish Junior and get even
with George. And as got thinking
1T over, / commenced to wonder why
they pick on the first day of April
for tricks when such a lot of fool
things just come naturally on all the
364 other days as well.
For a sample, 1 seen where moth
ing that Junior or l or George had
done that day was anywheres near
as foolish as what l do any day in
the year when 1 misplace my temper.
Or as what happens when George
hits the ceiling and the family over
something that don't amount to moth
ing, like the potatoes not being quite
cooked, but a cog slips at the office
maybe, and he let's US have the bene-
fit of II.
1T don't take no First of April to
L bring out the bootleggers, nor to
develop the all round. everyday-in-
theyear fools who buy their stun,
just to show that they can afford to
let their spirits run high.
Then there come into the place
where my mind ought to be the idea
that bawling out folks that amt in
a position to answer back, such as
in the office or with the paid help
at home, amt exactly seasonal. I
dunno is there a game law on the
folks who do the bawling or not,
but probably not, they don't come
under the head of game. And yet
pretty near anyone Of US will put
theirself in that class every onct in
a while. And the worse of il is,
we can't on 364 days of the year
say April Fool as soon as we are
sorry. Now laugh that one off,
AS far as I know, April amt the
only month when girls powder their
noses or think nobody knows when
they use a little rouge. AS far as
Jazz music goes, well to tell the
right truth, I don't really know what
was the time of year when it was in
vented. but 1 will admit I got a strong
suspicion it was in April, and not
Evening star., 1925-03-29
Togo Hears About Gas Age
World Laughing
WhenS Schoolboy Suffering Toothache
BY WALLACE IRWIN.

To Editor The Star who are al
ways advertising for cooks in his
Lost & Found Dept because of SO
much danger working among gas
stoves.
EAREST SIR could not be
there at Japanese Thinking
Society last Thurs pm. be-
Il cause my brain were being
terked elsewhere by DR.. L.
Furoshima, Japanese dentist. price $3
whether he pulls or not.
When / go to that Furoshima once
1 feel pretty brave and Samurai. yet
he plunged me in a barber chair d.
look very impertinent at the holes
in my toothache.
1T think by prying them up & filling
the roots with carbolic acid can
save of them" he dictate with
spy glass down my throat. Then he
stick a one-legged fork into my
| tooth, stroked 1t with hammer &
| require, DO 1t pain?"
"Awk" I yellup.
How ourio." he narrate. Nearly
all my patients says that. Mr.. Togo,
did you ever take gas?"
"One time" I say so, when my
Cousin Nogi stoled my love & my
derby hat for go to Travelling Sales
man Ball I nearly took some. But
| just that instantly Hon. Gas Co come
downstairs & turn of meter because
| unpaid. Therefore I were saved
again"
You should not take gas 30 light
Iy," narrate Hon. DR.. Gas are no
| longer used merely for cooking. sui
eide & lighting pupposse. 1t are the
most important dishcovery of mod
| ern times Yes indeedly! Very sensa-
| tionous Yes indeedly, indeed! News
papers are hlled with it."
"T notice that frequently" This
| from me.
The world arc growing more civil
liaed quickly" he resum on. I'VE
| epock Of dinamite, swords, machinery
guns. eto We have now reached Age
| Of Gas We burn II in stoves, we NIL
/ up our airships with IL. Those who
| cannot afford automobiles use It in
| their Fords. What make the sun
blaze & poets write IT? Gas, We
have just dishcovered what blessf n &
| to all human races this estranged
! juice can be.
| Gas. Gas" holla DR. FNuroshima
while looking into my ear for an
other mikerobe. "Sippose 1 wish cut
Off your wormifern appendicx while
you are thinking Of something else?
| What / give you then? Gasi Sip
pose I make you too sick to get
well? What I give you some more?
| Gas,
"Ah, Mr.. Togo" collapse DR.. Euro
! shima, holding my tongue with
| a spoon so / could not make any
| intellectual reply This world are
rapidly changing into one continual
| gas works, and what else could It:
| Please open yr mouth little wider
Il think about the next war. Who will
win IL? The nation with the largest
| gas meter. Gentlemen what runs that
war will not be called General He
| will be OF title Head Gas Inspector
! Think of scenery Of that next war
| Mr.. Togo! Instead of crude axplo-
sions from bursting buns nothing
| VIII be heard but sound of enemies
Evening star., 1925-03-29

opening gas mains at each other.
Entire cities will be killed merely
by smelling. Chicago stock-yards will
be removed by several new kinds
of odors. Pretty soonly entire human
race will go dead, axcept one man"
Who will he be, If anybodyT' ]
ask febbly
HE will be the man what stayed
home to make out the gas BILL" mar
rate DR.. Furoshima~
"Horrus!" I 81 & grone. almost get
ting we'll IF such things must hap
pen 1 shall prefer TO remain here
be killed by a doctor"
Speak not SO harshly," he dictate
''Perhapsly you do not reelize wha,
great medical triumps doctors are
now making by gas"
Tell me or 49," snuggest from
weakness.
Well" he say so. for instanoely
Last Feb boy were brought into
Altazooma Hospital suffering from
defness & dumness. He could no,
speak for 16 yrs. Yet after % min
utes with DR.. Hugo Carpetbeater he
stood up and In distinctual tone OF
voice recited entire nomination
speech of VIM Jenny Bryan"
What make him do that?"
hoila.
Gas" report DR.. Furoshima. Then
/ will tell you another. Last 4th OF
July a gentleman from Boston come
to Roaring Forks Psykickle Research
Laboratory saying he were a spiritual
ist and would love to see a ghost.
Nextly he knew all chairs in the room
commence dancing around circular &
an enlarged table struck him in the
brain. He were carried out self-con-
Scious.
What accomplished thatT
manoevre.
Gas" ollicute DR.. Furoshima. I'VE
are using gas for cure OF all diseases
For cold in the head swalla a pint OF
peppermint gas & get well. Tear gas
are good for some persons. laughing
gas for others. And I tell you some
thing more important. Tell me
something that will cure alcoholism
or drunkness in ten Go) minutes?'
I'm how many letters?" / X-word
Three" he eye-wink.
Gas. - ! tell very quickly.
"By jingle. you think like cleo
tricity!" yall DIR. Furoshima- .'Mircles
happens everywhere. Slightly ago
read in newsprints how % yg gentle
Evening star., 1925-03-29
DISADVANTAGES OF Sight.

|. A MOS CADY of Bolivar, Mo, could
play six instruments simultane-
ously while he was blind, but now
that he has reGained his sight can
play only one. He was blind % years
He played a harmonica held to his
mouth with yoke. banjo with his
hands, brass drum beaten with his
elbow, cymbals struck with his knees,
a triangle and 8 Swiss bells rung
by his feet. His inability to play
more than one instrument now is ex-
planned by the fact that he cannot
concentrate sufficiently to play s. be-
cause the acute sensitiveness OF touch
and feeling that comes with blindness
left when his sight was restored.
Evening star., 1925-03-29

censors of this country. showing
where they might find a valuable
and amusing fad. I would point out
that they had ought to organize our
national foolishness and pledge all
citizens not to be a fool except on
April l. Then, perhaps. we could
satisfy this side OF our natures on
in otherwise innocent chairs. purses
tied with actual strings and all other
well known entries OF the season.
A lot of international wars, family
| Quarrels, senatorial fights, personal
grudges and motherin law jokes
| that are no joke when you have to
live with them might be worked off
| In healthy fashion this way, and IL
We would honest to goodness let go
and play ,pranks all day on April l
without any OF us getting peeved.
T, why a sensibler, kinder. saner year
for one and all might be the result.
We would try and use up then all
the foolishness we had on hand and.
hot Bozo! What a day 1t would be!
Well, anyway, that night I got up,
instead of a revenge. the very fam
ciest supper I could think of.
l had the salad stuffed into a
| apple, l had the steak wearing pars-
sley on Its brow, the potatoes was
all taken out their skins and put
back again. which any lady will tell
| you is pretty near as much trouble
as doing the same to a persons face,
only it don't take the wrinkles out.
l baked a cake with white icing
and April fool in pink icing on IT..
but there was no fool about that
| bun-I put the best stuff into II. In
fact, the supper looked exactly like
it had come out of a woman's mag
aZine.
But when Junior and Geo. got
| home and was ready to eat, did
they appreciate that perfect portrait
of food? They did not.
Junior was suspicious right off
when he seen how pretty II looked.
and George come into the main din
ing saloon Of our five-room bungalow
| with a look on his face like he didn't
know whether to bite or not.
Say, he says to me, this is too good
TO be true. he says, whatcha got,
sugar on the meat and red pepper
! in that cake?
Why the very idea, I says, this is
! a perfect meal.
Then Junior and his father both
Evening star., 1925-03-29

would call them suckers instead of
sharks.
But one day vile we was there
somebody did get a shark by this
method or some other method and it
was either IT. or Inches long
forgit which. They say the best
time to catch q shark Is the last day
you are anywheres and then you
won't half to spend so much OF your
vacation introducing yourself to
strangers as the party that catched
the shark.
Speaking about strangers, I was
setting out on the hotel porch one
evening and a man come along with
a bandage around his neck and kind
of holding his head on one side, and
he walked up and down past me 2 or
3 times but finely he stopped and says
have you ever had a carbuncle. So
says no I had never. had a carbuncle.
WELL" he says, you are mighty
lucky"
THE next evening I was setting in
i the same place and he walked
past me 2 or more times and then
he stopped again and says have you
Evening star., 1925-03-29
BY RING LARDNER-

"O the editor: After a person
has went through a siege of
the giddy whirlpool of place
i like Miami Beach. Fla, 1T is
genally nessary to take a rest
cure, and on this occasion ! and the
Mrs. and party set sail on the board
of a boat bound for Nassau which is
the capital of the Bahama Islands,
and somebody had told us that when
you got there they wasn't nothing to
do only eat and sleep, which has al
ways been 2 of the great passions of
my life you might say, but Will state
at this junction that whereas both
these pleasures is INDUCED in to
some extent in the capital referred
to, still and all they amt no variety
of Winter sport missing in the Bahia
mas from scratching yourself to
joining the Holy Rollers.
Lady Diana Manners must of heard
the same reports In regards to eating
and sleeping, any way she had not
broughten no bathing suit along with
her and the first day we was out on
the beach she showed up in suit of
pajamas like she expected to sleep in
the deep. After this costume had
been wet over 1t fit her as loose as a
handage and people that had paid to
see her In the Miracle wished they
had saved their money for the big
show. The photographers certainly
had a busy AN. between I and Diar..
One day 1 and Grant Rice the poet
and Brinck Thorne the Yale snake
Evening star., 1925-03-29
"AWK!" / YELLUP.

men. entirely Jagged with gin, was
carried to a University Hospital,
pumped with gas and made so sober
they could walk & talk in a per-
fectly straight line"
~
"WHERE all this happen" were
w next question for me.
New Haven" report Hon. DR..
"Perhapsly II were after Yale-Har-
ward game" 1 semiphore. I'm such
case I dred TO think how many per-
sons would need to be gassed ere 2
am. in the morning"
do you know how America could
cure the curse of drink by gas?" he
require bafably.
"They might turn IL on the prohi-
bition inspectors" / narrate. IF it
did not kill them 1t would sober
them upp Sufficiently to find the
places where boots are being legged
You are merely speaking in para
graphs" subtract he. But attemp-
tation to get drunk could be stopped
by simpul arrangement. Merely put
more gas fixtures in chandeliers
Then when cocktail time arrive all
families. wishing TO remain pure.
could turn on gas slightly so they
have no more wish for boot liquor or
anything. Yes G yes Gas are great
thing for killing what you do not
want. Mkerobes, cockroaches. dogs
incum tax collectors. Turn on gas.
All arranged"
"Skwawk. . :" say that with
teeth because this DR.. Furoshima got
my mouth open & are sticking it full
of some kind OF very difficult cotton.
"If you will lay still a little longer
he manipulate, Il think l can fill two
CD of your back teeth with ivory &
pull out several more. Now let me
tell you about what gas can do for
very young infants. In Switzerland
there were Janus case of mother
what had six twins
"Oooooof! :" This from me
through cotton
please do not interrupt while
hurt YOU" he snuggest Persons what
cannot endure little pain should no,
be born with teeth" He commence
starting a sawmill around every gum
l chew. Flinches by me. Hold
straight, dear sir, before 1 damage.
There. Now I shall pour a little hot
lead into this upper maximillion cav
ity & it will not hurt for more than
3 weeks. Cas-"
Evening star., 1925-03-29
BY STEPHEN LEACoCk.

II HAVE just been reading in the
press the agoniZed statement
that there are only 1000 000,
900 cords of pulp wood left
in the world. and that in an
other 80 years it will be all gone
After that there will be no pulp. Who
It is that is consuming all this pulp |
do not know. l am sure that in my
own home, apart from a little at
breakfast, we don't use any.
But the main point is that in 80
years it will all be finished. In 80
years from now, where there used to
be great forests of pulp trees reach
ing to the farthest horizon, there will
be nothing but a sweep of bare roll
ing rocks. lifeless and untenanted
where nothing will be heard except
the mournful cry of the waterfowl
Circling in the empty sky over what
were once the forests of North America.
Or mo- forgot. 1t seems that
there will be no waterfowl either. In
the very same newspaper | read that
tbs waterfowl of America are disap
pearng so fast that in another 40
years they Will be extinct. Parts of
the country that only d few years
ago were literally black with black
duck, teal. ptarmigan and pemmican
now scarcely support one famingo to
the square mile. In another genera
tion the whole continent will have
been turned into farms, fields, motor
roads, and the motor cars will have
penetrated everywhere.
Motor cars, did I say? fear 1 am
1n error there again. in 40 years
there will be no motor cars. Case
line. 1T is certain, is running out.
Prof GIumb of Midnight, Alaska, has
just made calculation to show that
at the rate at which we are using
up the worlds gasoline the supply
will end in 40 years.
He warns us that even now there
are only 1000, ,000, 900 100000 gallons
in sight. There may be just a little
more he thinks, under the Red Sea.
He has not been down, but he doubts
ff there are more than couple of
million billion gallons. The motor
cars will stand packed in rows and
st won't be possible to move them an
finch.
A ND, what is worse, it won't be
- any use Tying to substitute coal.
There won't be any. 1t is to run out
the year before gasoline. Our reck-
less use of 1t all through the nine
teenth century has brought us to the
point where there are only 10000
900, 100000 tons left. Assuming that
we go on consuming 1t, even at our
present rate, the last cllnkerS Will
be raked. out of the last furnace in
1864. After that the furnace man will
simply draw his 5asary and sit in the
eeiisr. Tkere won't be a thing for
him to do.
~ first some of the scientists.
such as Prof. Hoopitup of Joy Col
1ege, were inclined to think that cleo
tricity might take the place of coal
as a source Of power, heat, light and
food. But il appears not. The cleo
tricity Is nearly all gone. Already
the Chicago drainage canal has low
cred Niagara Falls the tenth of an
inch, and in places where there was
cnce the white foaming cataract
Evening star., 1925-03-29
"A FEW VERY OLD STATESMEN STILL STAGGERED AROUND.

there is now the tenth of an inch of
bare rock.
We may perhaps last on a little
longer if we dam the ST. Lawrence,
and dam the drainage canal, and dam
the Hudson-in short, If we dam the
whole continent UP and down. But
the end is in sight. In another 40
years the last kilowatt of electricity
will have been consumed, and the
electric apparatus will be put in a
museum and exhibited as a relic of
the past to the children of the future.
X X
CHILDREN? No, no, forgot. 1t is
~ hardly likely there will be any 40
years hence. The children are disap-
Evening star., 1925-03-29

commenced looking at each other
and giggling, mistrustfully
So at last l says, well, II you wan
ner cheat yourselfs out Of a good
meal. go on, here's where l person
ally myself eat,
However. I got sense enough TO
realize where there is no use in
OVERRIDING good deed. SO this year
| am not going to do a thing on the
first. so far as my family is con-
cerned. I am merely going to sew
up the bottoms of Juniors pants,
SOS he'll find them that way in the
morning, show George a budget for
the past month with big balance
left, tell Annie Gooch there are pork
chops for lunch when 1T is really
tripe, and then I'm conner lay off
for another year
(Copyright 1881
Evening star., 1925-03-29

dancer went out on g. fishing trip,
chaperoned by a native named Capt.
Johns. Amongst the 3 of us we
hauled in or 9 barracuda that
weighed 10 to IL lbs. per barracuda
but as usual the biggest fish was the
ones that got away. Mr.. Thorne had
a hold of one which the captain says
was a peto which was 5 It. long and
must Of weighed close to a 100 lbs.
but when he got close enough UP to
the boat to see who we was he lost
his nerve and let go of the hook.
Personally I was just going to land
what the captain claimed was the