davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
Coffee Market

NEW YORK. Dec. 30.-The cot
Zee market was from to % points
higher at the opening today. Janu-
airy, 17.O5: February. 1904; March.
I7017.O4: May, 16.S5@16.9O: July,
1e.6s@16.75: September. 1926; De-
cember. 16@16-B.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
MARRIAGE IITCENsEs

Benjamin r. Meyer, q. 81 Belle
vernon. Pa. and Flora Alice Meyer, IS,
James II. McMurray ~ 81. and E EnnnDn
1 5ss AndreWs 20. The Rev. r. x
William j. Dickman. 81. 81 Philadel-
phia, Pa. and Bessie Volkin, 90, OF New
York city The Rev. J. T. Loeb.
Louis 3: Monaghan. 20. and Gene
we've n OBrien. 2b. The Rev. +. x.
william I. Kilcoin, 80, ana elizabeth
p. White, ~ The Rev l. r. Reynolds:
May Newman. "a. The Rev. A. b.
yr EissT. Y. brown brown q ana EI..assth
wiIlism 4. cat.ertonl i. ana Mary
H. H Kern 81 both e Richmond. W.
Tillery. Is. The Rev. 6. c. Williams
orran a. Iae TSs REL. e. ana Willie Wss..r
scott Is me si Rev. " Eng 9.r yssima
Lindsey. 81. The Rev. a. " Ns' Camp n
Charles washington. 81, and Amanady
e Mckinley ii Rs ss s g. and E.ariin %D 9sn
james wing. e. 's and Afio. Lucas. Il.
Bry s2as' is, The 1i Rev. Il anS cums siS:s
Frederick Hair. 81. and Adina Mason,
10. The Rev. L. 8. Wormley.
Carey. 20. The Rev. J. H. Randolph.
Robert e. johnson. 81. and Fannie
Deadwyler ~. The Rev. w. b. Hill.
Johnnie $. Stevens. "a. and Hattie y.
Padgett, 20. The Rev. VIM. 1T. Brown.
Peter G. Billings, 81, and Sarah
Elizabeth Moore, IS. The Rev. q.
Clark q. Diamond %. ana Helene
Oyster. 81. The Rev. U. @. b. Pierce.
Morris Allen Miller 20. of Chevy
Chase, Md, and Charlotte Henrietta
Weaver, IS. The Rev. j.. II. Taylor.
John d. Garner, Fl, and Agnes o.
Christensen, 10. The Rev. w. F.
Dewey H. Brown, II. Of Smell. Va.
and Mary r. Sin1ns. 10. OF McIIenry,
Va. The Rev. J.. E. Briggs
rector Gcspn 81. The Rev. VIM n BroWn. "s
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
n. u cotton Market

NEW YORK, Dec. 3e.-Cotton
prices were steady at the opening
Of trading today. First prices
showed gains of . to ~ points.
January opened at 20.20, up ~
points; March 1894. up 8 points,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
Canadian Wheat

WINNIPEG, Dec. 3O.-Opening
wheat prices today were: December,
$3.50, down 3; May. 81 GAG 80, down
1Mc; July, $1.61A Q1.62. down lie.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
Clearing HOUSE Statement

NEW. YORK, Dec. sOs Clearing
house statement: Exchanges, $1,-
19O.0OO,0O0: balances, sos, 600, 600;
Federal Reserve Bank credit bal
.ance, $sO.0OO,O0O.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
pQail NotIeag

.4- Z ~
DEsMOND-on Tuesday. December %,
1925, at his residence, 1919 MARYLAND
Ave. N. b.. JOHN VI, dearly beloved
husband of Helen Al. Desmond. FuneS u
from above residence on Thursday. LIE
comber 81, 1926. at ss30 q. M. thence
to Holy Name Church. where high mass
Will be said for the reposs OF his soul.
Interfnent Fort lincoln Cemetery. Helas
tives and friende Invited.
aHORINI- -Sudd emily on Tuesday pecen1.
& her 90 1885, KATHRYN Ri beloved
daughter Of John Morisi and the laee
Maria Anna Morisi. aged - years.
Funeral services on Thursday, Decem-
Der 81. 1926, 1T Holy Rosary Churcns
Third and n SITS. N. W.. 40 ~ ~.
Interment ST. Mary'a Cemetery.
HMITH-On Sunday. December q. 1922,
after q lingering illness 81 the Fes ~.
dence Of her cousin Grace d. Williams
219 Tenth street southwest, VIRGINIA
SMITH, beloved daughter Of the late
William Ell and Sarah @. Smith. ox
FrederielE9burE Va. In the fifty-third
~ Funeral services Il Epiphany chapel,
Twelfth and streets southwest, on
Friday, January 4 1926. It $50 p. m
Interfneut in Congregational Cemekroy.
(IFrederlclxsburg papers PLEASE COPY
GTONEROAD--On Monday, December
rs, 1926 at the residence Of her SIS
ter Mrs. Samuel a. Dashiell. zeO6a Ger-
field street northwest, SARAH DAY -
sTONEROADs sistre Of DR.. Heoecca
FUNERAL services at the above address
on Thursday December 81. at "a e. -.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
Chicago Cotton

CHICAGO. Dec. 29.-The cotton
market opened about steady today
with prices ! to &c higher. Janu-
Ipy opened at 1875, 2 up: March
1915. unGhanged; May. 1915. ] up.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
SPECIAL NOTICES

THE Annual Meeting of the Stock holders
of the Seventh Street Savings Bank
for the election of Directors and such
6 6esere the meeting Win be held om one
Tuesday, January ~, 1926. at O'Clock
p M, in the banking rooms at the
e co., Of 9TH and ,dzN streets E HeM y; HW.
THE ANNUAL meeting. Of the stock
holders of the Washington Railway
Electric fST the Of
for the ensuing year, and to transact
such other business as may properly
come before the meeting. will be held
c SITS. N. w. Washington. D. c., OH
Saturday, January 16. 1926. at IL o'clock
noon. In connection Herewith. the
company pursuant to the hy-laws, will
be- closed from the close OF business on
December 81 1925, to the opening of
KEYSER, Secretary
THE ANNUAL meeting of the stock
holders of the City & Suburban Rail-
way of Washington, for the purpose of
electing a Board OF Directors to serve
for the ensuing year, and to transact
come before the meeting, will be held
at the office OF the company, 14th and
SITS; N. W., Wa 1s Iags + o.,a on
noon. In connection Herewith, the
books for the transfer of stock Of said
company. pursuant ito the bylaws, will
be closed from the close OF business on
December 81, 1925, to the opening OF
business on January I. 1926.-H. M.
KEYSER. Secretary.
THE ANNUAL meeting of the stock
holders of the Georgetown & Tennally-
town Railway Company, for the pur-
pose of electing B0erd of Directors
to serve for the, ensuing year. and 10
transact such other business as may
properly come before the meeting. viii
be held at the office of the company.
14th and Sts N. W.. Washington. ID.
c., on Saturday, January rs, 1928, at
12 o'clock noon! In connection there
with. the books for the transfer OF
stock of said company, pursuant to the
bylaws, will be closed from the close
OF business on December 81 1925, to
the opening OF business on January 4
1871. N. KEYSER. Secretary
THERE will be special meetipg of
Local No. rs o. r. G. r. /. A.
wednesday, Den. 30, instead of Thurs
day, Dee ST. az ~ q 81. ny order W
the president Chaa, r. OAHien, busl-
ness agent.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
'Libertv Bonds

FURNISHED BY W. b. Hubs q Col
a.. 6me fa14 eg9. is
First 4La due 1871 ... I. 81 y Il. 101.z4
Thtrd 151s due 100 8. 1O0.34
Fourth 4Ha due 1888 g. 10lsSg
u Treasury chi: due 1852 1V0;1O
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
Oil Stocks

<(Furnished by w. b. Hibbs q Coz
T2fd al
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
Foreign Bonds

FURNISHED by W. b. Hibbs & COD
French u ................... 10
french Do 1890. 's'''..'.'''. -
premium OD ....,ssssss.. %
British Victory 4s.....,........ 456
National War Loan 6g......... 626
War Loan 5s. 496
Italian Notes 1925, ............. ~
italian 81 .............. II
Belgian Restoration 5s. 20
Premium IS ............. 80
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
DEATHS

Thomas s. Anderson. "a years. st.
Elizabe Hospital.
Mary i. Wyse. 81 years. 1920 Tracy
Pl. N. w.
Maria L. Anderson. IS years, the
Maria c. Lanznii. ~ years Emer-
gency Hospital.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30
BUSINESS PERSONALS

BUSINESS PERSONALS "A
DEFECTIVE SERVICE FOR OVER
90 YRS. FRANK. 800. BRADFORD
1T.NcTRTC hath masgage, frfeumatisIn,
poor circulation, nervousness, stiff
Joints graduate nurse 6c0lor0dl.
North esS6-J.
SCALP TREATMENT- manicuring. SOC
G st. N. W.. Srd floor. Room 8.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-12-30

THERE VIII be q special meetipg or
Local No. nc o. r. C. r. i. A..
wednesday. Den 30. instead of Thurs
day, Dec. 81. q ~ 2 81 By order ~
ness agent.
Evening star., 1925-03-22

"Fillout! On that card / got were
several impudent question: Where
were I born and why? Married or
singie-if so how often? What will
I do with my old name when 1 got
through with It?
took that card & do the best my
fountain pen were enabled, then next
ly 1 got in line with quite a. large
beveridge of people, marching alon G
toward Hon. Judge who set there
looking kind but disha greeable. I
step along, removing steadily up to-
ward Judge seat, 3rd gentleman be-
front OF me were standing SO far be-
hind his hair that I must look Zee TO
see he were a Russian.
what name you got now, II any?'
require Hon. Judge with his powerful
eyeglasses.
l"Jno p. Acknowledgements Ste
fanovich Karakowslavonivoff If II
please Ut Honor"
TT do not" narrate Honor. What
have you been doing with all those
syllables all those yrs?"
Supporting a wife G. several time
as many children" he report through
hair. 'It were very easy to carry
that name when were merely janitor
in a apt house. Then persons could
call me, John & l would come when
called. But alass! Quite recently !
were promoted billing clerk in Soda
Water Factory & every Qrt OF ginger
ale that goes out 1 must sign my
name"
why you not get a rubber stamp?'
locate Hon. Judge.
Il try that" dictate Hon. Jno. P.
But they had to make them SO long
| they was always breaking in the mid
die"
What name you choose for
change require Honor.
"Jno p. Tubb." say him.
- hope that tub will be LONG
enough for whole family on Satdy
night" snagger Judge with humorous
expression while signing ticket
Next, please"
Up to him step smallish gentleman
| wearing the uniform of a drug clerk
what name you wish to choose?'
QUESTIONABLE that high Courtship.
"Schmitz, VT Majesty" say smallish
man.
what variety of ansisters have you
got, l ask to know?" require Hon
Court With eyebrows.
II are Of American descents from
date that Adam came to Plymouth
rock & hens commence lying eggs"
so old like that? Perhapsly you
are acquainted with the Coolidges
What name have you now got?"
smith, yonner."
Smith? ?" Hon. Judge hold his
ears kind OF criss across. For what
Evening star., 1925-03-22

"Commencing with A." he rnanuver.
I'VE have Archibald, Ananias, Able
Artichoke, Antimacasser. Under =
We find Beelzebub, Benjamin, Botany.
Bill, Billikins & Beevo. Needs 7 go on
Alphabetically through Y, Y, 2 d
sometimes w & To-
quite unneccessarah," diYuISe.
III 1 could not pick out good nam
from that list you showed me &
would be useless TO succeed IN life"
For what you wish use that name?'
he otter.
Sometimes one thing, sometimes
something else" / say so. "Perhapsly
| when are II yrs age I shall wish 60
into politicks."
0UTE are nearly out OF Irish
names" he denote How
everly. we have few neat ones left.
How would Seumas O'Hellrorin do for
yr pupposes?"
Slightly" I rehash. Yet I wish
succeed in theater business, making
money with velvet BRAIN"
I'VE have only one % Jewish
| name left" report Hon Judge. Here
are It. Abraham Perlmutter"
Gould 1 took part Of 2 names per
hapsly, and joint them together?"
| require.
THAT would cost you soc extra,
| he vampire.
'Tt will be worth it"' I warcry. -
| select to be called Abraham Perl
mutter O'Hellro-in."
with that name none Hon.
Judge, you could own the world
and lose II again before morning"
But, VT RoyIe Highness," I com
mute, "sipposing I should take tha;
name home & find he didn't fit In
such cases should I bring him back
! and"
| GONG.!.
That sound from hui bell on wall
Courtroom closed for day" holla
| Hon. Judge. VIII everybody pick
Up his name & go home with IT"
But Judge" I yall desperly
do not judge me-" he toast
But you close this court & lock
my name up IN VT desk. How could
/ go home to Mrs. c. w. Quackmire
without any name to call me? That
are quite disappointment"
III you hang around Courts a little
while longer" report His Majesty
you will get so used to getting dis
appointed that you will commence TO
like it,
So ! walk away quite nameless.
Hoping you are the same.
Yours truly,
EASHIMURA TOGO.
Copyright, 1881
Evening star., 1925-03-22

of government. Knowing that you
have the knowledge of these prob
lens. and trusting that you will be
pleased to answer at once, l have Sc
lected the following questions which
I hope will not take too much Of your
valuable time to answer:
81. How does the efficiency OF the
British government compare with
that Of the United States?
-. Do you think tho minority has
too much power In the United
States?
"3. What Is your opinion OF de-
mocracy?
~ What is a responsible govern
ment?
"5. How would the adoption OF the
British system effect our Supreme
Court?
II will sincerely appreciate any
further suggestions which you may
care to make in answer to these
questions or concerning any advan-
tage or defect Of either system, or
any other system.
Your truly,
q, Y, KNOTT
Evening star., 1925-03-22
BY STEPHEN LEACoCK.

r. VERYBODY who manages an
- office or carries on a profes-
sion or teaches in q. college is
IL getting TO be familiar with
the thing called Question
naire." It is a sheet of questions or
inquiries sent around broadcast and
supposed to deal with some kind Of
social investigation. Some Of these
questions come direct from the insane
asylums, but others purport to come
from students, investigators and So
c!al workers. But wherever thev
come from, they are rapidly develop-
Ing into a. first class national nuf-
sance
Here. for example, on my desk is
a letter which reads:
L am a graduate student Of the
Nyopia Woman's College Of Agricul-
tural Technology, and am making
special investigation OF the Govern
mont ownership Of cold storage
plants. Will you please write me the
history OF any three governments
which you know to possess cold stor-
age plants? VIII you also let me
have your opinion on coldness, on
storage and on plants?"
Here IS another one that came in
by the same mail:
Il am a social worker in Nut Col
1ege, Nutw ood-on- -the-Hum, and am
making out chart or diagram to
show whether the length Of the hu-
man ear Is receding or going right
ahead. VIII you kindly measure your
ears and let ME know about their
growth? Keep me advised if they
start"
Along with these are letters ask
ing me to give my opinion, with rea-
sons, whether or not elected alder
men are more crooked than alder
men not even fit to be elected; ask
ing where I stand on the short ballot
and what l think OF prison reform
and the union Of the Presbyterian
Churches.
TT HAVE come to the conclusion that
- something decisive has got to be
done about these questionnaires: so I
have decided. in the interests of my
self and other sufferers, to write out
a model answer for one Of them and
afterward to let that answer suffice
for all the others. Here Is the one
that have selected for answering
] didn't make 1t up. 1t is the gen
uins article, as any one used to these
things will recognize at once
II runs as follows:
SDear Sir:
T am an American college student
and have been selected along with
Mr.. John c. Beanhead of the class of
1925, OF whom you may have heard
70 represent the Bohunk Agriculture
College in the forthcoming debate
against Skidoo Academy. Our subject
of debate Is to be on the question:
n2esolved. That the United States
should adopt a -parliasnsntary. vstsm
Evening star., 1925-03-22
Change of Name for Togo
Comb ation Statles
ny WALLACE IRWIN.

To Editor The Star who once knew q
jeweler named Mr.. Glass
~ EAREST SIR:-Quite recently
Of yore Mrs =. w. Quackmire.
who have treated me fnde-
- Gently nowadays, come TO me
with Egyptian expression &
exclam,
Togo, SO many letters come for you
written. in laundry languidge that
commence to think are running jap
anese boarding house"
"1f you do not adore my Japanese
name I shall change it, I bereft sor-
rowly.
Then do so" she dib. You could
not do worse with something else on
your autograph. Go to City Hall.
For rs you can have nam changed
which are ss less than pulling teeth "
Therefore she donate me 2S while
go 4th entirely infamed. Putting on
my best hat & umbrella I elope away
to change my ancestry by law. & who
I find standing there outside? Nobody
else but my Cousin Nogi.
''Nogi," I dictate lowly, "I are now
going to change my name. Maybe,
with slight new costume can appear
Irish"
60 70 Name Alteration Dept. City
Hall" he corrode.
So I folla him glubly, thinking up
a new label for me.
In changing names explain Nogi,
you got to be careful like driving q
car. A few years of yore one gentle
man of Boston go to a Judge and
bring with him his very hard name.
| I wish change IL to Cabot say that
| poor person. So Hon. Judge say ~
| and mako rubber stamping on paper.
| This Boston gentleman go forthly
| with nanna Cabot fastened TO his sig
| nature. What happen then? All
Cabot family hear about this Some
Of them act like a scenario, pulling
down. II persons go around stealing
famus names like this they holla,
| .nextly you know Detroit will be call
Ing itself Boston. We shall make this
illegal by law So they took this 2s
Cabot to court house where such a
quantity OF lawsuits was there that
he got scared and wish he had choosed
some simple name like Napoleon
Bonaparte"
II think shall choose me a sort
OF lovely name" 7 narrate. Some
thing that would look natural in the
Hollywood talefone directory"
Such as for instance?" remove
Nogi.
Lionel woodwind might be nice
one TO have" I narrate. "Or F'aunt-
leroy Valentine"
You batter hurry UP & think
pretty fast" say Nogi For we are
already here at City Hall.
Low & beholt. what he say are II.
There we stood befront Of high st cps
of justice where Police stood to-
gether eating tobacco & trying not
TO look civil.
What looking for. If anything?''
corrode one Police with angry badge.
Court please" report Cousin Nogi
| with expression
I'VE have all kinds" snuggest
Police. Murder. bribery, diverse 6:
ottomobile courts. Which, IL any?"
81 are bringing my febble minded
cousin here" explain Nogi. HE wish
change his name"
That will not do him any good"
| say Hon. Police. Yet if you are de-
termined go straightly to End floor &
| turn to door beyond the eth spitoon."
Il X X
60 there we went & see very
~ banker looking gentleman behind
a cage while shufiing cards TO all
passerby with loud voice saying
Evening star., 1925-03-22
QUESTIONABLE Nuisance Stirs Enemies,
Who Plan to Curb Jealous Investigators

tended length, and you must not mind
IL 1t takes me week to get 1t ready
for you. I shall not only have to ham
die a good deal of historical material,
but I also propose to cable to Mr
Stanley Baldwin and ask him how
the efficiency Of his government Is
standing right now.
Your next question asks whether
the minority has too much power in
the United States. Again a wonder
full shrewd inquiry. How do you
manage to think Of these things7
Has It too much power? Let me think
little. In order to answer your
question I'm afraid 1 shall have to-
read over the history Of the United
States from the Declaration of In
dependence.
You ask next, What IS my opinion
Of democracy? This I can answer
briefly. 1t Is the form of govern
ment under which you live.
Your next question is, What Is a
responsible government I admit the
keenness Of the inquiry. 1t Is amaz-
ing the way you get to the center
Of things. But I am not prepared
Give me month on this, II you pos
sibly can.
your last question (for the pres
enO reads How would the adoption
OF the British system affect our Su-
preme Court? Here again I can
hardly answer without perhaps fatig-
uing you with details. But I will
write to Justice Taft and to Lord
Reading and while we are waiting
for their answers perhaps you would
care to send me along a few more
questions. I can be working on them
In my spare time"
] had written the above letter and
then on second thought I decided
not to send It. What would be the
use? The kind of young man who
sends out these questionnaires is
quite fmpervious to satire.
The only thing to do Is to try to
form league Of grown-up people
who refuse to be Investigated. I pro-
pose to be the first in It. Hence
forth 1 Will answer no questions ex-
cept to the census taker and the in
come tax man.
II any college girl Is Investigating
the upward trend Of mortality among
mules or the downward movement Of
morality among humans, she need
not come to me. II any young man is
making chart or diagram or a
graph to show the per capita increase
of crime let him go with It to the
penitentiary. My door henceforth Is
closed.
Copyright, 1e25)
Evening star., 1925-03-22
HE

manicurists from the country and
break off friendly relations. He can
now write that kind OF stun TO the
Egyptians in French and they will
get II.
Then. too. he don't have to learn
writing with a stylish on wax TO
the fellers in Rome, Italy. His boot
black will help him out any time.
AS far as the new Russians goes,
I personally hope where his time
Will be SO taken UP he won't bother
TO answer their letters, and If any
Bolshevists come TO call on him. I
hope he makes a few good old fash
ioned bad schoolboy faces at them and
tells them to go. In case Sec. kel-
logg has forgotten how to make them
kind of faces, why II he Will just
drop around to our house, / will glad
ly have our Junior show him a coupla
Junior he must never do such a thing
again.
&% y
Tn our Ladies' Thursday Club We
l. have a treasurer as we'll as q Sec
retary. and she will get up and an
nounce where the club has s3.9S in
it for ice cream. I presume that
over to the Hawthorne Club II is
the same, all except for the Ice cream
But in the L. S. Govt, the great
est club in the world, while there is
a treasurer. they make the Sec. Of
State kinda bill collector, especially
when 1t comes TO all them foreign
loans which have been standing out
SO long 1 should think that their
feet or whatever they are supposed
to stand on would be pretty near
wore off. Just how and when a Sec
retary OF State is conner find time
to page that cash is more then l
can see
Well anyways by the time I had
got thinking this far, I noticed where
It was we'll after 10 o'clock and as
yet no Secretary George Jules Of
any Hawthorne Club had showed any
signs of coming home. And ! begun
to be terrible worried over him.
Not but that my husband can take
care OF hisself any place, but / did
commence to wonder II he had fully
realized what 1t meant being a sec
retary OF any kind. That II meant
a lot OF hard work and q even big
ger bunch OF criticism, no matter
what he done. That it meant keep
ing friendly with people he didn't
1t would take up a lot of his time
without giving him anything in re-
turn except the consciousness of hav-
ing been Of service.
When finally l heard the flivver
run into the garage and heard Geo.
stamping in through my clean