davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-04-12

know the simplest alphabet about
Democratick Govt. Democratick Govt,
Cousin Nogi, are divided into two C2)
depts, the Talk Dept and the Working
Dept. When any gent or person get
talking in the Working Dept this
cause axtreme ruin & trouble in the
Talking Dept. How you think Gen.
Mitchell could go round in a airplane
airing his opinions without making
Senator Borah jalus?'
But should not a airshipper know
more about airshipping than a mere
groundlubber?" alleviate Nogi.
''Ah Crepeat this times)" I say so,
"in Wash, D. c. it are extremely
criminal to know too much. II you
know anything you should forget
IL & await for a Committee to find
II out, II ever. / were all shocked
UP when 1 hear how this Gen.
Mitchell appear before a Committee
& use Ianguidge unfit for anybody
axept Charley Dawes
Were Hon. VIM. very dishrespect-
full to that Committee?" snuggest
Nogi.
ENTIRELY" / statick. when Hon.
Committee say to him, BE brief &
use short words, II convenient. Gen,
what are now candition OF U. s. Fly
Force?' he report, Some of IL are
rotting, the rest too green to use
'Horrus' they yellup, remember
where you are. We are not here to
listen TO amy sad talk like Russian
novels. We are Uptimists, Gen.
Mitchell. If you cannot bring a little
sunshine into this Committee, turn
Vt propeller t1e other way"
what Hon. Mitch say from that? ?"
Nogi ask distinctually.
He say, Gentlemen, you would
not know sunshine when you hear
II speaking. What you enjoy are
moonshine (non-alcoholic). Yet 1
will say one "a word of Optimism
what should make you all happy
like boosters. In past 4 yrs you
have spent more cash-money on air
ships than France, Slam & Irish Free
State all wrapped together. Do this
not cheer UT hearts to sweet song OF
spring
They should get very pleased from
that" Suppose Nogi.
"Perhapsley," I revamp. Yet some
of those Committee was nervus
How much airships we got for that
" billion dollars what was budged
from the Budget? We have 90 miles
of spare parts what belong to some
Evening star., 1925-04-12


his Job because Of NUMEROUS deli
cious things he do not say in print.
~ EAREST SIR: Yestday my
Cousin Nogi go out to Army
Grounds for see an exhibi-
Il tion of flying fords by which
America expect conquer Ger
many Japan or whatever come along.
Last night he approach back to my
kitchen looking tired but weary.
You see airplanes?' ask to know.
'T enjoy headache" he narrate
peevly.
From looking up?" I require.
mo. From looking down. got
seat at top OF grand stand where !
had fine view of 13 of those airplanes
having extra parts screwed onto them
so they would fly maybe when ready.
They did not do So
Not even any of them" 1 negotiate.
"2 did" he profess. "One "a got
stuck on a cloud ~ II up & eloped
suddenly down with tire trouble.
Were Hon. Aviator killed." I re-
port.
Not SO very" say Nogi. "He come
crolling out OF the breakage grinning
sheepily & say he got so used to fall
ing that he have learned how TO
bounce"
what did other Airplane do il any
thfng?" were next question from me.
ut ride right UP into heaven & stay
there so long 1 got nervus. At end
Of two CD hrs II come down again
and was scarcely broke anywhere
"Remarkabiliousi"I I olllicute. THAT
are a long time for Hon. Army Ohicer
TO stay up nowadays. Hon. Aviator
must of kept from talking pretty
good
what are you shooting at?" dih
Nogi with voice.
Sometimes one thing sometimes
another" I trolly. But this l learn
from news When a aviator COM
mence talking he come down so
rapidly 1t make your brain swim"
"I cannot soak up your meaning"
deplore Nogi.
well II possible look at Brig. Gen.
Mitchell When he go up everybody
holla, % see the flying General"
When he come down entirely sudden
everybody decry, Observe the walk
ing Colonel That were pretty quick
come down for that man. Now he
! must remain staying on the ground
SO Sec Weeks can watch him with
demotion expression. You cannot ny
& talk at same time Quotation from
Robt. Burns, Janus bookmaker). This
Hon Mitchell better keep out of air
ships or next time Sec Weeks call
him down he will be a Sargent"
why should everybody pick
feathers out OF this ct military
birdT' require Nogi. This are free
country are not. Talk are inexpen-
sive are not? II talk are 50 dangrus
why do not U. S. Senate blow UP
| g. burn down IN 20 min? p
"Nogi" I dictate, you do not
Evening star., 1925-04-12

| KIothes Ko. was Offering pale green
unfinished woosted suits at 1915 and
1 figured that maybe L could finish
one of them suits myself and save
money.
On the opposite side of the page
was a real bargain in ladies' dresses
for only ninety-eight fifty, but l
didn't pay no attention to that. l
cut out my own interest in clothes
and the ad of the Karefree Company
and when the dishes was done /
caught the eleven thirty-six and
never let go of 1t until 1t had me
landed safely in town.
When 1 hit the Office and showed
George the ad he didn't seem real in
terested.
If 1 was to wear one of them un-
derslung models I'd catch myself
starting for high school instead of
for the Office, he says. We Will go
down to the Emporium and see Mr..
Dickey, he says.
Well. then, thank Heavens l come
along. l says, for that man could take
the snap out OF new rubber band and
dress a man SOS he's look settled
while going up in a bomb explosion,
/ says, you ought to be glad, George
Jules, that you got a wife with taste
to save you from them statesmen in
Bush that let's her husband dress like
installment plan parlor suit, l says.
* v *
WELL, George got his hat and
w coat and says to that stenog-
rapher of his BE hacker round two"
and off we went to wrap ourselfs
about business mans lunch, and
then we went over to the Emporium,
where Mr.. Dickey had just come in
from his ditto, you could tell 1t from
his mustache, which he wears instead
Of hair
Well, Hot Bozo. If he didn't remem-
Der US from last year, and he had
| the same pleasant manner, and, I
guess, the same bunch of suits to sell,
| which had layed undisturbed on the
bench doing a Rip Van Wrinkle for all
they looked any different to me.
However, he says they was stuff
which just come in. 1 could believe
it, too; they just come in, they never
went out.
and George took seat while Mr..
Dickey pulled out a few and gave
'em some air.
Medium stout? says Mr.. Dickey
with a look at Georges middle, which
is the only medium where he IS stout
at all.
Evening star., 1925-04-12
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

TH HE writing of this paper has
been inspired by a debate re-
Gently held at the literary So
ciety of my native town Of
the question, Resolved: That
the Bicycle is a nobler Animal Than
the Horse" In order to speak for
the negative with proper authority, I
have spent some weeks in completely
addicting myself to the use of the
horse. 1 find that the difference be-
tween the horse and the bicycle is
greater than 1 had supposed.
The horse is entirely covered with
hair; the bicycle is not entirely COW
cred with hair, except the 'SS model
they are using IN Idaho.
In riding horse the performer
finds that the pedals in which he puts
his feet will not allow of n good
circular stroke. He will observe,
however, that there is a saddle in
which--especially while the horse is
trotting-he is expected to seat him
self from time to time. But It Is
simpler to ride standing up. with the
feet in the pedals.
There are no handles to a horse,
but the latest model has a string to
each side of its face for turning its
head when there is anything you
want IL TO see,
Coasttng on q good horse is superb,
but should be under control. I have
known a horse suddenly to begin to
coast with me about two miles from
home, coast down the main street of
my native town at a terrific rate, and
finally coast through platoon of
the Salvation Army, into it's livery
stable.
find that in riding a horse up the
long street of a country town It is
not we'll to proceed at a trot. 1t ex-
cites unkindly comment. 1t is better
TO let the horse walk the whole dis
Evening star., 1925-04-12

worth $40, for I had taken it many
times before
Drive to the nearest police sta
tion,' says I.
'Tll take S6," said he.
Let's chat with the lieutenant
says 1.
The lieutenant ruled that I was
right Also that should give no tip,
which I had not intended to do any
how. And he made the driver sit
in the station for an hour while he
looked up the law" That was the
same as a fine.
Hooray for the cops.
X X y X
THIS was recalled to mind by the
i fact that the other day As other
motorists were sent to jail in a single
day for violation of various rules.
And 1872 drivers were fined for not
seeing the lights wink in the traffic
towers. I'll take q chance with a
taximan every time rather than with
a plain American citizen in a sedan
or even worse, with the citizens g
wife. The taximen may be hard
faced and explosive. but they sure
can drive
Evening star., 1925-04-12

Just about then Mr.. Dickey lifted
up his voice in song. Practically
every one of them is a perfect At,
he warbIed. And I sure did have to
agree with him. Perfect fit is exactly
what they give me, says, all but
the first suit, however don't mind me.
Well, George slipped into the first
coat again and slipped a trife in the
right direction at the same time. Do
you really like il, he says?
Sure 1 do, 1 says. because ! don't
want you to come home with any
common stuff like that Mabel Bush
own Judgment, dear, it's your suit.
you are paying for 1t, why don't you
take that lavender striped one?
That certainly was the correct
move, all right, and Geo. at once
threw down the lavendar ensemble
he had been patting.
That one is out, he says. / believe
I like this first one the best, it's kind
of snappy and up to date. II the
shoulders can be fixed and the pants
made over and the vest taken in and
out.
Oh, very simple, very simple. says
Mr.. Dickey. But just what he meant
by that 1 wasn't any too sure.
Is there anything else today, says
Mr.. Dickey then. And Geo. says no
thanks, absolutely nothing. So then
Mr.. Dickey merely sold him a few
shirts and some socks, pajamas, neck
ties, collars and a high silk hat in
case Geo. was ever to usher at a fu-
neral.
I have often noticed where a man. s
own wife can't really protect him
onct he gets started in a gents store,
and the only reason the statesmen
don't sell him the electric light fix
lures, show cases and elevators, and
etc, is because they need them things
to carry on the business.
Well, a coupla nights later. the
loosely knotted tweed suit which
Geo. had insisted on getting come
home, and just about the same time
Mabel Bush called UP on the phone
TO know would 1 and George drop
over to their house and play a little
bridge, and 1 says yes dear, we will
be over in about q hour.
Then l broke it to Geo. and 1 says
why not put on that new suit, dear
SOS Mabel and Joe can get a glimpse
of what the real people are wearing,
says, and also drop a hint to that
woman, she has got the worst taste
Evening star., 1925-04-12

sound like that to me. There was
lots of high toned talk, including
Admirals & several congressman
what believe a. great many startled
facts. Some of them think the Full
pine Islands could be took by the
Enemy & others thinks an Enemy got
too many sorrows already without a
F'uliipine Problemb. Some persons
says that Panama Canal could be
captivated by one % airplane. Yet
others says this is not so-it would
requir two ~. Yet after all this
speaking & oratorio L wish know
what Hon. AIRCRAFT Committee have
accomplished"
They have promoted Gen. Mitchell
TO a Colonel" 1 snagger. OF surely
that are something"
TT are a dishgrace,i" snarrel Nogi.
why is?" 1 amputate. If a. Com
mittee would ring me up for find out
what l know aviation, then make me
Colonel 1 should feel very swell &
chest"
For a person like you" oorrode
Nogi, "it would be too much high
honor TO make you a private But
when a General must jump down 206
grades for telling the whole truth &
lot too much Of IL, l feel like fried
oysters"
Milton, famous bookmaker," L diffuse.
This are it:
A Soldier he must spend his youth
A-hghting nobly for the Truth.
But when he meets the Truth some day
he musn't tell-it doesn't pay.
with eyes to front he's got 10 gaze
The more he knows the less he seys.
The less he says the more he thinks
No wonder Soldiers takes TO drinks.
"Perhapsly So degree Nogi. But
7 am wondering thusly What Will
Gen Mitchell do now he are Col2"
'nOh, maybe he Will save money out
of his pay" ] abrupt, and bid him
self a airplane. With this he can
| beat worlds altitud record"
Why he wish go so high-up7" ask
! Nogi ignorally.
80 he can arrive to q. place where
| he can say what he think about War
Dept without it getting into papers"
| l toss.
| Nogi are dumfoundered.
Hoping you are the same.
Yours truly
HASHIMURA TOGO.
| Copyright, 1929
Evening star., 1925-04-12
Manhattan Days and Nights
By Herbert Corey.
Copyright, 1925, by Herbert Corey. }

them? Or do they locate their res
taurants with reference to the
wrought iron? Anyhow, decorative
curiosity shops by the legion. Mostly
showing secondhand tools. Hand
organ men, getting pennies. A great
new bank. all granite and bronze
and crystal. Secondhand book stores.
Squints down side streets in which
flags and lanterns swing. A fiesta of
sorts. Yelled children marching in
communion. Vaudeville players in
costumes cabling to the next stand.
Exotic music from an almost hidden
restaurant. Diamonds, diamonds, dia-
monds. Pushcarts piled high with
vegetables. For a dime one can get
the makings of a, dinner. A place
that used to be a saloon that is still
a saloon. And, somehow, a fair de-
gree Of happiness.
X X X x
IT'S a queer thing, but in the years
I've spent in New York ! have
never had but one really unpleasant
experience with a taxi driver. Yet
to read the daily papers one would
think one takes q cab here aLzsshe e
risk of his life. QlaRa
charge6amer&2&oEa o.
Evening star., 1925-04-12

and the Near East that amt got no
friends who has visited California
and broughten them back redwood
pin cushion.
Personly the Mrs. derives a great
deal of comfort and consolation from
this souvenir and has even told al
most total strangers that II she ever
does change her mind and begin US
ing a pin cushion, the redwood pin
cushion from California will be her
first choice. On 1 or 2 occasions they
has been visitors in the house who
acted for time like they would
take this trinket home with them il
she offered it to them but has chang
ed their mind before 1t come time
to go.
1t seems to me that IL was also
from California that somebody an
other brought US a pine cone about a
IT. and a " long and " a #. in diam
eter which laid around the old home
in Niles, Mich, for yrs. and no mat
ter how dark and gloomy the day
or how monotonous life may of been
to other familys they was always a
undercurrent of suspense in our house
as to who would be the first to fall
over this elegent pine cone and break
their neok.
lAaiforalA- and. Eaossdae MAJ u
Evening star., 1925-04-12
Feet on Pedals and Other Regulations
For Proper Exercise in Riding Horse

to noticing the things that peo-
pie do on horseback in books. Some
of these I can manage, but most of
them are entirely beyond me. Here,
for instance, is a form OF equestrian
performance that every reader will
recognize, and for which I have only
a despairing admiration:
with a hasty gesture of farewell.
| the rider set spurs to his horse and
| disappeared in cloud of dust"
With little practice in the matter
| of adjustment, / think I could set
| spurs to any size of horse, but I
| could never disappear in cloud of
| dust-at least, not with any guar
antee of remaining disappeared when
| the dust cleared away.
Here. however, is one that GER
| tainly can do:
| "The bridle-rein dropped from Lord
| Everard's listless hand, and, with his
| head bowed upon his bosom, he suf-
| fered his horse to move at a. foots
pace up the somber avenue. Deep in
| thought he needed not the movement
| of the steed which bore him"
| That is. he looked as IL he didn't;
eye on the steed pretty closely, just
| the same.
| This next I am doubtful about:
| "To horse! to horse" cried the
| knight, and leaped into the saddle.
| / think 1 could manage it If 1t
read:
ITO horse" cried the knight, and.
snatching a stepiadder from the hands
of his trusty attendant, he rushed
into the saddle.
AS concluding remark. I may
mention that my experience of rid
ing has thrown a very interesting
sidelight upon a rather puzzling point
in history. 1t Is recorded of the
famous Henry II that he was "al-
most constantly in the saddle. and OF
so restless a disposition that he new
er sat down, even st meals. / hao
hitherto been unable to understano
Henry's idea about his meals, but
think 1 can appreciate it now.
| Copyright 1929
Evening star., 1925-04-12
aoNE OF MOST SERIOUS PROBLEMS THE TOURIST IS
VS. IS WHAT TO BUY IN THE WAY OF SOUVENIRS"

as saying that she might OF got along
for 10 or IL more yrs. without no rice
pearl bail carrier but certainly not
longer than that
% x X
MIR. CRoWINSHIELD bought for
AvA the wife of the undersigned q
set of IL articles which they was no
name on them to tell what they are
for but the Mrs. has came to the con-
clusion that they are fiatiron holders
and can't hardly wait for the day
when they will be so many garments
in need of pressing that she can use
them all at once.
Mean vile she eagerly awaits the
postman every am. in the hopes that
he will bring a invitation to a fiat
iron party that will enable her to
blossom out in full regalia and make
the rest of the guests wished they
had a acquaintance like Mr.. Crownin-
shield.
A souvenir which the madam reed.
from another source some time ago
was broughten to her all the way
from sunny California and was moth
ing more or less than a pin cushion
made OF California redwood. It
makes a person shutter to think how
many Deople there are in this cQuntrz
Evening star., 1925-04-12

- yNEw YORK. April 11.-Medi-
cal news offered without
NJ guarantee: Two of the regu-
lar smok g. eaters faced Judge
Bianci In Police Court. Smoke
as heretofore defined, is a mixture or
alcohol and water. They expected 80
days, which would be a nice rest.
You get it." said Judge Bianci'
land the cure, too"
The cure, IL seems. is cold fresh
water rather well dosed with salt. 1t
is forced down the patients throat
each morning. The judge says the
patient cannot take anything with
alcohol In 1t after having taken the
cure.
This is not faith cure" he said.
"It works"
Further details will be noted when
the patients emerge.
\ !; x X
DIDING down Third avenue. What
IN a great street it would be If the
L were off. A "grandioso debutto"
of a new film at an Italian movie
house. A Chinese restaurant, equip
ped with the balcony and wrought
iron decorations peculiar to Chinese
restaurants Where do they. find
Evening star., 1925-04-12

we had really ought to show her
what is what.
Well, If II was new shoes Geo.
would let me see how bravely he
could break them in, as IL they was
bronchos instead of brogans. When
it comes to straw hats, he always
does that in the privacy of the store
and never see the results until 1t is
too late for me to do anything about
IT. But leave him buy a new suit of
clothes, and he gets as shy as a
debutante with her first low-necked
dress. In other words, he can hardly
wait to put It on.
So he did and when he had got
through with the mirror we went
over to the Bushes. And of all things,
who would open the door but Joe
Bush himself in q suit exactly like
Georges! Maybe I didn't hear about
that when / got home again. Hot Bozo!
Well George, I finally says at last,
don't blame me, I told you to buy that
lavendar striped suit. And anyways
what is the harm? Just remember
clothes don't make the man-and
they wouldn't even make the clothing
manufacturers II they couldn't play
two OF a kind. Probably this year
tweeds is their long suit.
(CopyriRht 1925
Evening star., 1925-04-12

choosing the little mementos you
wish to bring back to relatives and
friends.
On a recent visit to the tropics Mr..
Crowninshield bought for lady
named Rice q kind Of little round
mesh bag made Of rice pearls which
the bag was just about the right size
to hold q base ball or a cricket ball
or maybe billiard ball. Aside from
the gift being so suitable on acct of
the name of the pearls being the same
name as the beneficiary, why the lit
tie trinket is also the reverse OF a
eyesore and IL Mrs. Rice ever decides
to become a active base ball, cricket
or billiard player, the bag Will come
in very handy as a container Of the
ball she wishes to convey to the scene
OF combat ShA-WRa yscentlXrQuoted
Evening star., 1925-04-12

souvenirs to take back to the
loved ones at home. A souvenir which
is at once handsome, appropriate, use
full and at the same time not beyond
ones means is something that in bird
language might be termed a rara avis.
And a person who has the nag of al
ways selecting such a souvenir Is as
few and far between as baby steam
boat captains.
Personly it is my good fortune to
be acquainted with at least one of
these last named geniuses in the per-
son of Mr.. Crowninshield the buxon
editor of Vanity Fair and vile I rea-
lize that this amt the time of yr.
when people are patronizing resorts,
still and all I may as well take this
opportunity OF passing on to the
genial reader some of the idears
CLEANED from the above named gent
and others in the hopes that you will
remember them next time you go
away and they will be helpful in
Evening star., 1925-04-12

tance. This may be made to seem
natural by turning half round in the
saddle with the hand on the horses
back and gazing intently about two
Evening star., 1925-04-12
Buying 80, Medium Stout
George Cloh
Much Difficulty is Found in Getting the Right Garments
By NINA WILCOX PUTNAM.

S Homer, the boy who invented
batting averages, so truly
said In the Spring, so most
\ wives fancy, hubby needs a
brand-neW suit"
Evening star., 1925-04-12

miles up the, road. 1t then appears
that you are the first in of about ii
men.
Since learning to ride, 1 have taken
Evening star., 1925-04-12
BY RING LARDNER.

.O the editor: One of the most
serious problems which the
average tourist IS up VS.. is
4 what to buy in the way OF
Evening star., 1925-04-12
Airmen Learn to Bounce
Schoolboy Attention Phases
Adventures to Development of Air Efficiency
BY WALLACE IRWIN.

To Editor The Star, who oftenly keep
his Job because of numberous deli
cious things he do not say in print.
Evening star., 1925-04-12

HHE writing of this paper has
been inspired by a debate re-
Gently held at the literary So
ciety Of my native town on
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1925-09-14
New York cotton Market

Prices moved up about 20 points
in the second hour after the pub
LEGATION of Governments coIisump-
ton report, showing 44s,6s6 bales
consumed in August and stocks
of linters in manufacturing estao'
lishments at 6S0,527 against 1885,
259 q month ago and 552,7SS a
year ago. ~
Good rains were reported In the
cotton belt. This induced specula.
tive and hedge selling. but, trade
buying from Liverpool and domestic
Eastern points was sufficient to
absorb offerings.
Noon prices were as follows: Oc'
tober, 24.30, up points: December,
24.70. up 81 points; January, 2410,
up % points. and March, 24.41, up
rs points.