davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
BY Ring Lardner
Scouts Theory He Owes Chicago $50
Speeding Fine, and Offers
Perfect Alibi.

wood, n. J. though I don't know no
reason why you should.
Now listen Mr.. Dyckman I know
You must be rushed to death what
with spending hours and hours
delving into 8 yr. old records and
one thing another, but if you do
happen to get through little early
some day I wished you would take
a run down to Toledo, Ohio, and
they's a good train for there leav-
ing Chi at 5:25 P. NJ. If they
amt changed it between now and
1919 and you might maybe meet
some South Bend or Goshen people
on that train and just mention my
name and they will tell you who /
use to 60 with prior to my nuptials
but any way when you get to
Toledo climb into a barouche and
have yourself drove to the Hotel
Secor and ask the clerk with the
funny mustache to show you the
registet for June, 1919, and you
will find me stopping there on the
II of June and before and after
same and I can't remember the
room number but it was a kind of
a small room where a person
couldn't hardly turn around a spe-
cially when it was cluttered up
with Hype Igoe, Rube Goldberg,
bottles, of charged water, Damon
Runyon, Tad and Harry Witwer,
but any way that is where / and
the rest of the boys was at the
time stated and we was there COW
ering the alleged training activities
of Dempsey and Jessie Willard and
may as we'll state at this junction
that I bet 100000 dollars on Will
lard so you can judge for yourself
Mr.. Dyckman whether he was en-
joying ourselfs and I am sure you
would like Toledo too, provide it
that some day you get through
pouring over the vital statistics of
1874 in time to catch the 8 rs.
Those was the days Mr.. Dyck-
man when they use to have fights
for the heavyweight championship
and the Toledo fight was great
spectacle for those that could still
see and those who did not have no
100000 bet on the Kansas Zephyr
who set down in the resin to rest
after the so called contest had been
going on fully a quarter of min
ute and then and there / offered
to sell my bet to Geo. McManus
for $40 cash but Geo. was on the
wagon so afterwards / paid off
the 100000 verbatim and / ask you
Mr.. Dyckman if that sounds like
the kind of a man who would run
out on a $4,000 fine.
NO CROWD OF LADIES.
Well Mr.. Dyckman / went back
to Chi and stayed there till Octo-
Der and / wasn't no recluse that
summer neither but mixed around
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

got about. Such, for a sample, as
the gang which come out to NOM
mer's house over the Fourth, one
time. There was Tom, Dick and
Harry, and little Eva, i forget her
last name. taken in a snap-as-snap-
can pose in front of the old hydran-
gea bush. i certainly looked good in
that one, / was the only member
who come out at all well, but it
didn't make me feel any too well TO
look at the print. 1t made me kinda
sick, in fact. Ny heavens, / says
to myself, was i ever as young and
good looking as that? ] wonder how
I look now, will / keep on wonder
ing. or 20 ahead and find out?
Then just to stall myself along 1
turned back the record of time,
which believe you me, was no jazz
record, and seen myself as i was
when Ma had carted me, a seven
teen or SO, TO the picture-butcher,
and had me photoed against back
drop showing Florida Real Estate
in its palmist days and incidentally,
the guillotine, or whatever they
called it. around my neck. But Of
course that wac a pre-war picture.
HIGH HAT PHOTOGRAPHERS
Well anyways, after / had found
the affidavit Of myself as bride,
and got the photographers license
number off Of it, / commenced to
wonder IL he was really the man TO
commit the new job? OF course
wanted TO know, exactly how ]
looked, but at the same time, /
thought maybe, / had better 90 TO
one of them high hat photographers
who take real Paragraphs and tell
you about how much It will come 20,
but who always know just what
they are about, and so do you.
really, when you 20 to them Of
your own free will, in spite Of the
fact that every onct in a while
you have seen tnefr name signed
to a photo in some modern maya
zine, which photo is 30 per cent
lady and IL Of 1 per cent veil.
The wagner the photo. as a rule,
the wagner the price, if you get
what mean.
Well, after thinking this over and
over until the idea was positively
shopTorn, ] decided ] would make
a appointment with the Artful
Studios. So ! give hem a ring on
the phone, put my own persOyll
rings in hook in case that might be
necessary. put a little surgeons
plaster behind my cars TO sustain
the expected pressure, and put on
my best evening gown and man
ner. Then ] called for a taxi,
and told the driver my secret.
got into said taxi wearing a hat
and coat, on account figured
where it might be a good idea 70
get myself taken both ways, in the
picturesque sense. / didn't tell the
taxi man to wait. I also thought
Of being took with a rose folded to
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
1 and George = By Nina Wilcox Putnam

wrong with it at the time the time
exposure was made. OF course,
right off I decided that the picture
of the gown was the one I wanted
10 broadcast. But also 1 could
hardly put in my order for a coupla
dozen without getting a opinion
from George. 1 wanted a frank
expression from him. After all,
it was his money paying for it, if
any. So the day the envelope mark
ed keep away from strong light"
arrove, l tackled him as soon as he
had washed off the last cinder from
the five fifteen.
Look dear, ] says, / got some
thing to show you, not to mention
the bill. j had my photo taken,
also your credit rating for same.
Which one do you like best?
GEORGE MAKES CHOICE.
Well, George sure was surprised.
he says well, ali, hum, femme see.
And with that he took the pack in
hand and shuffled them good and
plenty for a while. Then he picked
that awful closeup of me, showing
my drainage map, line for line.
Well dear, he says, I think this is
the best of the lot, of course none of
them really do you Justice, you GER
tainly don't take a good picture on
account they can't show your colour
ing, but this is the most like you.
I am SO glad you thought of having
them taken in case anything was to
happen to you, why we now could
identify the remains, but this is the
one like, please have a extra print
Of it made for my bureau, and tell
them to send me the bill.
Well, naturally I says all right,
dear, and took the cards out of his
hands. Then 1 thought, well, /
guess I may as well order the one
that looks so much like my dress,
I'd like to remember that dress even
after it goes out of style, George
will never know which picture he
has on his dresser, so long as it is in
the right frame. So, him having
okeyed the deal I sent a order in to
the Artful Studios.
Dear Sirs, please print me one
dozen Of the print marked with a
X-so marked to show the spot
where the body is supposed to be.
II you have already printed up some
other snaps of Mary Pickford or
somebody. at a lower price, same
will be equally acceptable, 1 only
want them for Xmas presents, any
how"
Copyright, 1925, by Republic
Syndicate, Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

THE late Admiral Dewey, the one
Who was on time in Manila
Bay, once said while describing the
battle, II felt it q mere nothing
compared to the awful moment
When my wife handed me a bunch
Of photographers proofs of pictures
Of herself and says to me, which one
DO you like best, dear?"
And how that man must OF suf-
fered, can now realize having only
recently put George, that's my hus-
band. through the same kinda test.
But there is always two sides to
stoEy, and have sometimes won
dered IL the Admiral fully realized
what his wife must Of gone through
before she come to the point of
submitting them proofs to him?
OF course we all know where
proofs are proofs, indeed nothing
but cold facts. But IL all legal evil
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
Ring Corrects False Impression


never heard Of this fine only for ysu
and I won't never forget you.
Came October and I want down
to Cincinnati for the worlds serious
and bet another 5000 ON the dear
old White Sox or a total Of $1,000 I
lose In 4 mos. and mo with a wife
and 4 kiddies and now you come
along and make 1t 4 even more
memorable VI. by adding on this $50
plaster that It Is now too late to
deduct off of the income tax. Which
is it you amt got Mr.. Dyckman,
no family or no heart?
Now listen Clyde I have 2 won
der sister-in-laws in and around
Chicago as well as a host Of girl
friends and admires that Is always
clamoring I should como out there
and brighten their life but $50 is
$50 not 10 mention fare and berth
both ways on the 10th. Century
Limited which I call it the Century
on acct. Of the round trip coming
so close to q 800 and which I H.
ways half to ride on because I love
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
Listen World! How About This Alimony?

and the law forces him to do so.
Generally, it is the mother Of child
rem who is the last person in the
world to appear in a divorce court"
Judge Strong is particularly
vehement on the subject Of 'sepa-
rate maintenance" cases.
"When a woman starts separate
action she is either hot under the
collar or she is filled up with a de-
sire for revenge. A man is almost
powerless and she knows 1t. When
she gets her temporary award she
is independent. She is mistress Of
the situation.
IL have studied court records and
have found that there are twenty
separation suits started to every di-
vorce. Women only want slimony.
They tire of their husbands and
get rid of them, but still hold out
their hands for cash.
'This does not reflect on the great
mass of good, noble women who.
fortunately, are independent OF
charity.
Imagine the predicament OF
man who is compelled to pay tenn
porary alimony for five years to a
woman who hates him but who will
not divorce him. 1t is nothing short
Of slavery.
"In this enlightened day, when
the sexes are supposed to be equsi
I do not believe that childless wives
should receive alimony. Women to-
day err as much and, in many cases,
more than men,"
have never met Judge Selah IL.
Strong. But 1 rise to remark that
in taking this stand he has walked
into the class OF certain gentleman
named Abraham Lincoln who In his
day also fought to free the slaves
and wipe an ignoble stain from his
country's records.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
Americas Only Woman Humorist
Jennie Goes Full Bout With High Hat
Photographer: George Gets
Bill Later.

steel brace at the back of my head
to keep me from making another
move. In order to find out what was
this feller's name, why 1 had to get
out the album where it was parked,
and incidentally ] was forced to face
a lot of ancient snap shots dating
back to the time when sleeves were
sleeves and you needed the wide
open spaces to wear 'em' in. Also
skirts were many time gored, no bull
about ii, and ladies and gents both
wore the kind Of starched collar
which made the Chinese considered
clever in this country.
In this way / run across a whole
lot Of old friends I had entirely for
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

TO the editor:
Judging by letters reed. in the
last few wks. pretty near every
man, woman and child in the U. s.
must Of read that item that come
out in the papers in regards to the
undersigned getting pinched for
speeding in Chicago one time and
fined 5000 dollars for same and
how / run out on the fine and now
they have got capias VS.. me and
the minute ! sit #. on the soil OF
what ] use to fondly call my home
town ] will be surrounded BY a
pussy of great big whopping police
mems and assigned to a room with
out bath in a certain Clark st.
hotel where they have got a clerk
named Sergeant.
According to the item this here
fine was assessed on the IL of
June, 1919, and the record of same
has just been dug up by a record
inspector named Mr.. Clyde Dyck-
man who seems to of lose his temper
over a little boost I wrote for the
Hotel Sherman which 1 said in 1t
that I always tried to get q room
where could look acrost Randolph
st. at the county bldg. and see how
the other half lived without work
ing.
With the kind indulgents Of my
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
: Bv Elsie Robinson

As a compensation for her wrecked
lifeD THE COURT GAVE HER
THE FURNITURE, $50 A
MONTH ALIMoNY, ONE-HALF
OF his INCOME FROM GER
TAIN INVESTMENTS, RE-
CARELESS OF INCREASE,
AND THE RIGHT TO LOOK AT
HIS BOOKS.
Was this amazing fact shouted
from the boustops and printed in the
extras? No indeed. 1t was not
even regarded az an amazing de-
cision. 1t was accepted as the usual
thing, and received no comment
whatever in the press.
We're too accustomed to the all
mony hold-up game to even wonoer
when we hear Of fresh outrage.
But at last a judge has risen who
is courageous enough to denounce
this infamous practice. Justice
selah B. Strong, Of the Supreme
Court Of New York, has announced
that he does not intend to lend the
aid Of any Supreme Court in which
he happens to be presiding to any
scheme Of a childless woman to
force alimony from her husband.
an these days Of equal rights
there is no reason why a woman
should be awarded alimony except
when there are children.
"If a woman does not love her
husband or cannot stand his treat
ment, let her separate from him.
There is no law which compels a
woman TO remain in her husbands
home.
"she Is at liberty to leave when
ever she wants TO do so. OF course
where there are children the hus-
band must expect to support them
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

just as big letters as Harold Nc
Cormick or VIM. Wrigley, and my
Mrs. is like all women namely they
think a telephone has got to be an
swered though they know or should
know by experience that it means
trouble 90 times out Of 100, but
honest Mr.. Dyckrnan all that sum-
mer long they wasn't no call from
no court about no fine and what
ever Judge it was that assessed it,
he can keep a secret SO good that /
would almost be willing to show him
some of my mash notes. All and
all Mr.. Dyckman I wouldn't OF
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

just like always and didn't even
were no wig or mask or false
whiskers or nothing and Chicago
was just as full of eagle eye po-
licemens then as now and when !
would see one of them what did
1 do. did / walk around the block
to get out Of their way? No Mr..
Dyckman I went right close to them
and sometimes positively nudsed
them and never heard a wd. in re-
CARDS to a unpaid fine for speed
ing.
Further and more we wasn't liv-
ing in tent that summer but had a
home and a st. number and q tele-
phone with our name in the book in
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

dence could have the undesirable
markings wiped out with q little
acid rs easy as it can be done on
Photographic plate, why there would
never be no justice done in this
country. However, it seems to be
common practice among photos-
raphers to submit proofs of what
they have done with your face, and
that Is probably why they charge
extra high prices TO wipe out the
true facts on the finished product.
RE-TOUCH Is RIGHT
They show you. first off. how you
really look and they are then IN a
position to show the world, unless
you come across with an order for
the re-touched stuff. Re-touched is
correct, financially as well as pho
Geographically, because the average
female woman would certainly
rather come across with the price
Of q full dozen then to allow the
fellow who knows the truth to keep
that accurate map Of them in his
possession.
All this revelation come to me a
week or two ago, when j commenced
writing out my Xmas shopping list
and realized where if / was to give
anything to Uncle VIII why 1 would
also hat to give to Aunt Eata, and
Of course the Joe Bushes would ex-
pect something, and j lived up 10
their expectations, why naturally
the Goofnahs was conner feel left
cut IL they was left out. Also.
really had 10 have a trifle for Miss
Demeanor, that bottle blond, on &c
count she sent Junior a gilded
banana last year, and if / sent her
something. why naturally 1 couldn't
very well ignore DIR. Salary, the one
she Is engaged TO. Then there was
my mother, Georges ditto, cd Cen
eral Bluster, the cook, postman, ice
man, policeman, garbage man, doc
tor. lawyer, ssilorman. thief. etc.
And so, even supposing l done my
Xmas shopping at the five-and-dime
store. taking chance that none Of
my friends would have the same
economical idea, and send me the
identical kind OF junk which ] had
sent 10 them, wen. even so, my list
certainly looked like IL was going
70 run into money, 10 say nothing
about the trouble Of selecting a per-
sonai token per ga. The simplest
thing 10 do. seemed 10 be 70 get my
photograph taken and give the same
20 one and all alike.
IDEA WAS SIMPLE"
The simple part certainly turned
out 70 be correct, ! sure was simple
in the worst sense Of the word when
got that idea, but at the time !
thought il was quite hOtsy totsy.
Ny fist thought was 70 get the
same boy TO do the dirty work,
which bad committed the last pic
rure I had took. That was as a
bride With ossnge-blOssOms and a
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

speeding, but you take this 500.
or rather 800 and then slap the $50
on top of that which you say owe
some judge that probably amt got
no children at all or one or 2 at
the outside, and--well Clyde those
poor girls amt going to feel none
too kindly disposed towards you and
you needn't never expect to open
up one Of them big windows OF
yours and see Randolph st. gum
med up by a parade of maids and
matrons shouting thank God for
Dyckman he kept Ring out Of Chi.
RING w. LARDNER.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
~
IA ~

admires I will waste this space to-
day in copying down a letter which
1 am going to send to Mr.. Dyck-
man as soon as the madam remem-
bers to bring home a stamp, and 1
am in the hopes you won't get bored
by a recital of some of my ancient
history which I been led to believe
you are all interested in same or
you would not of so thoughtfully
wrote and kidded me about this here
blemish on my past.
KANSAS ZEPHYR DIED OUT
Dear Mr.. Dyckman: Well Mr..
Dyckman / and you has never met
as you was probably too busy, but
We have got a street here in New
York called Dyckman st. which may
of been named after you in a spirit
of levity. Dyckman st. is way up
in the 2 hundreds and you can get
a board of ferry there for Engle-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

Those who have watched brown
owls returning to the nest with food
for the young have found reward
in the sight.
At one nest Of the brown owl in
a tree-hole just outside a bedroom
window, observers were able to see
the Kind of food brought. An in
teresting discovery was made, for it
was found that IL the owls began in
the evening by feeding their young
with mice. nothing but mice was
brought all that night. On & second
night Inoles formed the food; on an
other night, rats; and on a fourth
night, large hawk moths. But each
night the parents kept to one kind
Of food as IL 10 show their young
that the country was full Of good
fare. and 10 get them used to the
various items on the menu.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

her for one Of the customers. And
the operator wasn't the usual old
style at all. Quite to the contrary,
he didn't ask me where it hurt the
worst, he treated me exactly as II
/ was a old pal. This impression
continued until later when I re-
ceiyed the bill. At the time he
merely invited me to come into the
studio. walk around and make my
self feel perfectly at home. At the
price, as / after realized, / might
Just as well Of done as he asked.
As it was, / did everything else.
l walked about that studio like a
cat in a strange attic wondering
when he was conner call me to
order, but he never did. And so
pretty soon i says when are you
conner take the pictures! And be
says they are already took!
Well naturally, when I got back
home / begun at once TO be very
anxious to see them pictures. i
could already figure in my mind
how slim, handsome, and etc. / had
felt while unconsciously posing and
thought also, we'll. maybe it would
be selfish OF me to keep them like
nesses away from the sunbrowned
section Of the Sunday papers. j
could already figure in my mind
what the lines would run to-not
the lines in my face, the lines I'M
derneath the picture: "Mrs. George
Jules, wife Of the well-known But
tonhole Salesman, caught in i'm
promptu moment"
Also ] realized how furious my
women friends would be, il it was
TO be printed there, and how they
would resent my sending them the
same identical pose for Xmas, but
yet show It TO their friends and
say don't you remember seeing this
in the papers, well IL wos there,
and she is a particular friend Of
minei
EVIDENCE is SUBMITTED.
Well, about ten days after this
the evidence was submitted by the
Artful Studios. And when / seen
the fscts-similars to myself, ! GER
tainly felt good, they was so hand
some, all except one which had all
the rayines, elevations, rivers and
shadows on my map. This was a
closeup. Also. it might of been
called relief map, but no relief
10 me. The only picture / really
liked was rear view Of my dress
against a japanese screen belong
ing to the company. Ny face didn't
show at all. and 10 any stranger, it
might Of been a photo of Lillian
Gish, Marilyn Miller or the Queen
Of Roumania. II was a real good
likeness, thought was like / felt
i looked at the time.
Then there was one proof Of my
net-weight. How ] ever booked that
weigh ] simply can't imagine. But
the camera probably had something
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06

my decollete. Then figured on q
pose with a sanity expression,
smiling one, a downcast ditto, and
a frank, straightforward one. ]
thought it would be a good idea to
have several types of. pictures, SOS
I could distribute them to the fam
lily according to their impression Of
me as / realized it.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
NEW STYLE OPERATING

Well, when I arrove at the Art
full Studios, they looked far less
like a dental pariour then had
expected. To be sure there was q
lady attendant in the outer office,
but if it hadn't been for the way
she greeted me, I would of taken
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-12-06
Silk Secrets

THE secrets of raising silkworms
have been handed down among
Chinese farmers from father to son
for hundreds of generations. The
Chinese farmers buy silkworm eggs
in the spring. These are very min
ute and are sold on sheets of stiff
paper each containing 100000 to
100000 eggs.
The egg sheets are placed in a
clean basket in a small rearing
room, and charcoal fires in earthen
ware brasiers are used to keep the
temperature at 80 degrees day and
night for nine days.
Then the eggs turn green. A day
or two after this the worms hatch.
For the first two or three days the
young worms must be fed every two
hours day and night.
Fresh. soft mulberry leaves are
shredded very fine and sprinkled
over the newly-hatched worms their
jaws are too weak TO chew much Of
the leaf, but they can suck out the
juices.
The worms reach their full growth
in eighteen days (ssys a writer in
The Scientific American.") Some
idea of their rayenous appetite can
be gained from the fact that a group
of 100000, the number Matched from
one egg sheet about one foot square,
eat a ton and half OF mulberry
leaves in a little over a fortnight.
On the eighteenth day the farmers
transfer the worms to a bamboo
rack, and almost Immediately they
begin to spin their cocoons.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-04-11
SALESMEN WANTED.

Additional salesman wanted for un- occupied territories. Our proposition is an unusual opportunity for high grade men, offering greatest earning power and steady work. Must have car. Full information on request. Minneapolis Woolen Mills Co.,, Inc, 612 First ave-, Mo-, Minneapolis, Minn. If