davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
Sprinkle Little Rhine Wine Upon the
Shooting Buds as You See
Them Ripening

tomatoes. This Is the result of
the high state of culture of those
regions because, as is well known,
Omar Khayam, the poet Of the
Wabash, once wrote:
81 drank the Pilsner beer Of In
dianapolis,
In Akron, Ohio, ] gave a girl a
kiss.
But after listening to grand opera
in Battle Greek,
I asked myself, Am I a piece Of
cheesep"
Do not neglect your ravioh
patch. Let your slogan always
be, watch the Weedsi" Sprinkle
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
EVERY educated person, be he

EVERY educated person, be ne a
- male or a female, should know
all about agriculture because that is
the rock of Gibraltar of our pros
perity. We therefore hope that all
the students OF our School Of CO.
respondents will carefully heed the
instructions which we give them.
This does not apply to the Secre-
tary of Agriculture. He is merely
public official who has to look after
the personal affairs of beets, radi-
shes, potatoes, etc. and listen to
the piffle of the other members OF
the Presidents Cabinet. He is the
private secretary of every onion in
the land. Does he get up at 4 a. m.
to manicure the cows? He does
not.
All in favor of repeating the Vol
stead law say "Aye" Carried.
The "Noes" have it. The Bootleg
gers Quartet will now sing that
popular ditty, "Down Where the
wurzburger Has Flown"
SOME FARMERS.
We cannot live without the farm
err. 1t is equally difficult to live
with the farmer, The ALLEGATION is
delicate.
There are various kinds Of farm
crs. Professor Bugs Baer in his
famous treatise, "slobs That ! Have
Met" divides the tillers of the soil
into this catastrophe:
A-Farmers who have big farms
in MINI. or Okla. or Ia. or O.,
but who live at the Plaza Hotel In
New York and pay alimony.
B-Farmers who have no farms
at but who are elected to the House
of Representatives or the Senate
and who make speeches.
C-Farmers who raise wheat and
corn and cattle and spend most OF
their time gambling on the Board oil
Trade or the Stock Exchange. =,
D-Farmers who raise the devil
By complaining about everything.
E-Farmers who run their farms
and whose greatest interest in life
is the fact that one season follows
another.
RULES FOR FARMERS.
We take it for granted that our
students are interested only In
Catalepsy z. We therefore wish
to outline the following rules OF
successful farming:
/. Get a farm.
Q. Get someone to run II.
8. Sell it and move to the Big
City.
The first question to ask your
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
Advice on When and Why to Buy Farm
----------By BRUNO LESSHVG--------------

in Haig & Hais to soften their
hearts.
Many young farmer who
planted a corned beef tree in the
midst of his cabbage patch has
lived to Join a Rotary Club and
witness a Beauty Contest at At
lantic City.
A certain portion Of every farm
should be devoted to beans. Keep
the label on the cans ii order to
avoid confusion and be sure that
the catsup bottles are tightly
corked. Some farmers advocate
the use of bacon as a counter
irritant but the Department Of
Agriculture, after a careful sur
vey Of the country, recommends
that bacon be reserved for shad
roe.
We realize that in this vast sub
tect We have only been able TO give
a mere outline of the road to sue
cess. But the longer YOU stick to
your farm, the more You will learn.
As Henry Ford says, 'De farmibus
tinnis lizzitus mezumeh est" Which
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09


now serving a sentence of from ? to
8 yrs. in a piano box.
Another form Is colormania. A
New Yorker had that and all his
friends knowed IL and when they
invited him to dine they always was
careful to not serve nothing brown
which was his nemesis color. But
one night a friend who had a new
cook asked this bird to stay to
dinner and forgot to warn Helga as
the cook was rightly named. Every
thing went all right till pretty near
the finish OF the dinner as the var
ious viands was clear soup, crab
meat, white meat Of chicken and Gu
cumber salad. But when the dessert
come what was it but pumpkin pie
and our friend had to be took to
Bellevue.
Last but not least Is a ailment
called trainstare the victim OF which
can't help from looking out the win
dow all the time he is on the train.
The conductor has a terrible time
getting his ticket out of his pocket
but it Is most inconvenient when he
sets In a card game on board OF a
train. Recently doctors has discov-
cred what they thing is a effectual
cure for trainstare, namely strap the
patient In a upper berth Of a car
bound from Bangor TO Tia Juana
and keep him there till he becomes
disheartened.
RING LARDNER.
Copyright, 1925. by The Bell Syn
dicate, Incl
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
4 and George = By Nina Wilcox Putnam
---------------A nericnS OnEv Woman Humorist-

corner. They give the room a real
respectable look, especially when
embroidered a motto and hung it
over the bed. The motto says
Rest In Peace, Soon"
OF course l wouldn't 20 to no
extra trouble for old Mrs. Jules, but
1 wanted her to have n room she
would like to stay in and keep out
of the rest of the house.
Then I fixed up nice arm chair
for her to sew in and sit to read
her Bible through her steel trimmed
specs by the roseate fading light
of day that was symbolic of her
life. Hot Bozo, If you get mel
FORESTALLING VS..
STALLING.
Well, If Coos Ma was one Of
them terribly good women like he
said, naturally / didn't dare to be
well dressed when she arrived. Not
that 1 cared a boot what she
thought one way or another, but 1
wasn't conner have her tell my
husband why did he marry this
chorus person? Or any remarks
to that effect. Often it is better
to forestall than 20 stall, and so 1
dug out the long black dress I gen.
orally keep in case somebody was
to die and I would hat to 60 to the
funeral.
Nobody I knew hadn't died in
nraffu fiun Aln
most particular mother-in-law
couldn't claim that garment had
anything fast about il except the
color. When Mrs. Jules Sr. seen
me in that get-up / felt where she
would undoubtedly at once realize
her boy had picked a girl she had
no cause to be jealous of.
Well anyways, / put this IL
mourning on the day she was ex-
pected. Then caught Junior and
washed him up, wishing he had
few curls and lace collar. But it
was too late in the game for that
now, i hadder content myself with
getting his neck less rough and pin
ming a daisy in his button hole. And
then we all set ourselfs down to be
caught unawares at our innocent,
ordinary occupations, see, Junior
learning his text for Sunday, Geo.
reading his daily dozen lines from
Shakespeare, and me working on a
sock to sock the heather with in
foreign lands.
AT LAST!
We didn't know just exactly what
train the old lady was coming on.
and so we hadda KEEP them natural
poses up for pretty near two hours
before taxi stopped in front of our
house. And then it wasn't the right
taxi, on account Of a little girl got
out.
At least that was what I thought
first off, from the length of the
skirt, and the bodied hair, as she
was carrying her snappy little hat
in her hand. But il wasn't any
little girl unless a person was to
count second childhood. 1t was
Mrs. Jules, Sr. as she explained
while running gaily up the steps
to greet us.
Something had turned Mas hair
black overnight, and her dress had
recently been single bobbed.
She had brought us a bunch OF
new dance records instead of some
sticky preserves like l had feared.
She said darn it," right in front
of Junior, which is as close as she
ever come to using Georges sewing
basket, and the first thing she want.
ed when got her upstairs into
what she called such a quaint,
funny little room, old DEAR" was to
know where was the nearest beauty
parlor, she wanted a facial, and did
have a lip stick l could loan her,
she had lost hers on the train.
Well, when l left her and went
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

why you just come to me before
you see the railway ticket office
agent, and I'll drag her out in her
wheel chair or something.
And Annie says, yeh. mebbe.
So having thoroughly unsettled
that, / got ahold of our Junior and
give him a serious talking to. Now
Junior, / says, Grandma is coming
for a visit and ! want you should
be a very good boy. And Junior
says what will she bring me?
EXPLAINING TO THE DOG.
And ! says now darling, that is
exactly what you amt to ask her
when she gets here. And Junior
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
The Wheel of Progress

to think and investigate and learn,
thus giving new impetus TO lasting
forward progress.
While a given point may seem
to 20 down and back the whole
wheel is always going forward.
Each time the point rises to the
top again the wheel has advanced
another revolution.
We live but a space In the COM
plete revolution. We see only
tiny sector and cannot visualize
the whole wheel.
That is why 1t appears that we
are losing all the grounds we
have gained when we come to
the periodic downward roll.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

PRACTICALLY all forward
L movement is based upon a cir
cular motion.
Wheels roll forward rotating on
hubs.
Watch the legs Of running horse
and note how its knees, the seat OF
action, move in circles as it races
ahead.
The same action can be noted in
a speeding runner.
The rowing of a boat Is based
upon a circular motion with the
arms.
The Tapping wings Of a flying
bird move in circles at the wing
joints.
The progress of knowledge
and enlightenment seems to follow
the same rule and advance in a
rotating manner.
After the rising Of Greek cul-
ture came q dropping back, then
the rise Of Roman civilization fol-
lowed by the descent to the Dark
Ages out of which rose the Re-
Nuisance.
Also each Of the larger cycles
seemed to progress by a series OF
smaller rotations.
By the nature OF circular motion
a given point on the circumference
is sometimes back and downward.
A majority of the American
people rose to high point Of ideal
ism and a greater feeling Of world
brotherhood during the war. After
the war came the downward sweep
to materialism and race antagon-
ism.
To the swift rise Of scientific
knowledge comes the downward
trend of the cycle in the attacks
of the bitter anti-evolutionists.
However, it is when the wheel
or cycle is at its lowest point
that it touches the ground and gets
the contact which propels it for
ward.
So when the circle swings down
ward under the influence OF reac-
ton, such a movement as the pres
ent evolutionary controversy, the
result is that more men are made
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
eyes, Dear, Mother Is Coming for a
Short Little Visit of
Only Two Weeks

from the way Geo. tells about how
she stands for all the old ideas and
sits on all the new ones, / guess
she must be a hundred. at least.
And Mabel says, well, if can
lend you a little scrubbing soap or
my best silver or something to
make your house a little brighter,
why try and get them, dear, be sure
nowl And says thanks, dear,
] will. And then we hung up.
Well, of course. my house was
perfectly good like it had been for
the past few yrs. But still and all,
when I thought of that drear old
lady coming to visit US, felt well,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

self is where to buy your farm
and whom to buy it from. New
York City, Chicago and San Fran
cisco are good places. But be-
fore you buy a farm be sure and
find out why the other guy wants
to sell it. II you are living in
the big city with all the discom-
forts of modern life around you,
make sure that the farmer you
are dickering with is not anxious
to change, places with you. II
such be the case, hold on to your
own place. why relinquish it to
a farmer?
When you have acquired your
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
Wise Cracks

THIS Weeks Short story;-l
L Backward and forward he|
paced, his eyes wild and rolling, his
face haggard. "Will she never
come? Never-never." He pressed
his hands to his brow and waited.
Hsrk! What was that? Yes, i'll
was she "You have come,
thenT he gasped. dizzy with delight
and excitement, as he grabbed his
hat. The stenographer had return
ed, and it was now his turn to sol
out TO lunch.
This Weeks Fairy Story:
Once upon a time a man strctch-I
ed out on a scat in an excursionI
train, and went TO sleep.
Our Tiny Truths.
Though clothes do not make the
man, many men owe quite lot 10
their tailor.
First Convict: "when / get out
of this place I'm going to have
good time. Aren't your
Second Ditto: II don't know
I'm in for life
docs your wife ever pay you any
compliments?" asked Brown Of bis
friend, Alexander.
"0nly in the wintcr-time," re
piled the other. "When the fird
gets low she says; 'Alexander-thd
grate'."
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

weakly downstairs, there was Geo.
waiting for me in the hall, all ex-
cited, but not in the least bit sur
prised. Say Jennie, amt Ma
knockout he says, didn't ] tell you
you'd like her. So perfectly natural
and a real pal to a Teller, he says,
just like I've always said !
For a minute 1 couldn't hardly
speak. And then / says well
George Jules, I guess the old fash
toned aproned mother don't exist
any more except on calendar illus
trations. l guess they went out
with a lot of other obsolete incon-
yeniences. And thank heavens for
il. on account mother love itself
can't be destroyed by pretty clothes,
and what a relief to all to have
our mothers become one Of the fam
lily.
Copyright, 1925. by the Republic
Syndicate.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

says then what's she coming for?
And ] says heavens only knows, TO
see Daddy, suppose. And Jr. says
that's funny.
And / says you don't know the
half of it dear, but ! want you to
be mammals good little boy and
wash your ears every day, and don't
forget your manners, and you amt
10 answer me back, no matter what
/ say, all the time she's here. And
/ want you should be quiet in the
house and not whistle through your
teeth or throw your toys downstairs,
on account she is a old lady, see,
and she will wanner be quiet. And
above all don't you use 10 slang, /
want you should speak correct and
refined, like I've learned you.
And Jr. says aw, can't have
no fun while she's here? And l
says no, certainly not, we amt
none of US conner have any!
Well, after that / explained TO
our dog where be wasn't 70 do any
barking while Mother Jules was
with us, and how, if he had any
fleas, be was 70 keep them TO his
self. And then ] caught the cat
and told It to cut out that high
life stuff as long as mother stayed,
] didn't want Mrs. Jules to think
i'll Of any member Of our house
hold. And by this time / had my
self all worked up TO a point where
] felt real sentimental about the
old lady, and could Just picture
how sweet and devoted ! was gon-
ner be to her.
OH, MABEL, WAITER YOU
KNOW!
And then who would call me up
on the phone only that Mabel
Bush, and she says hello dear,
what's new?
And ] says oh Mabel, whatter
you know, Georges mother is com
ing for a visit. And Mabel says
no. you poor thing, will she stay
long? And / says dunno, I'm
afraid so. of course we are per-
fectly delighted 10 have her, but
it would Of been a little more con-
venient If she could Of put it off
to a year from some Xmas.
And Mabel says you poor darling,
know how il is, Joe's mother is
the dearest woman in the world,
and ! just love writing her long
letters-the longer it takes them
70 reach her, the better, whatter
you going 10 do TO entertain her,
dear?
And ] says why don't know,
maybe she plays q good game Of
Old Maid from the way Geo. has
described her, ! expect she'd en-
JOY a little ride down TO tine ceme-
terry, ] don't mean TO stay. I mean
70 look at the other peoples tomb
stones.
AN OFFER OF HELP.
And Mabel says well, Joe's
mother don't care for a thing but
changing my furniture around. I
suppose you will get your house
all upset? And says by no means
dear, ] am not going to make com
pany Of her, not one particle, she
has got TO take US just as VIC are
in every way, ] can't be bothered
TO put myself out. And Mabel saws
that's right dear, be yourself, and
she'll feel more at home-as soon
as she gets back there. And ]
says yeh, ] am hoping 50.
And Mabel says well dear. Il
there is anything I can do to help
you, just lemme know II you can
catch me, got q new tablecoyer
you can borrow, and also got
some arsenic and rat poison If you
need II, and some clutches. And
/ hear Doctor Salary has a nice
new ambulance in case she likes
motoring, ] suppose she Is kinda
old and teeblei And / says yes,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

am as good a housekeeper as she
ever was. Also, she would never
talk 10 Geo. about me behind my
back, ] knew she wouldn't, on ac-
count 1 wasn't conner turn my
back for her 10 talk behind. And
il she was to try and interfere with
the way j was raising Junior, well,
all ] would haf TO say in that case
was, take q god look at your
George as he is today, and she
would undoubtedly shut up.
no OBJECTIONS.
30 when Geo. mentioned where
he had this letter from his mother,
/ didn't raise no objections. 1
merely says well it's awful incon-
Yenient. / got terrible lot Of things
TO do this coming week, i can't stay
home looking after no mothers-in-
law, / suppose she viii expect 1
should take her around everywhere,
but George j can't, why we are go
ing to discuss the Better Babies
campaign at the next Thursday club
meeting, for a sample, and / sup
pose she'd be shocked 70 death,
think it's awful inconsiderate Of you
10 have her here just now, but il
she has already started, why / sup
pose it can't be helped.
That was about ali / said, see,
on account j wanted TO appear
cordial about Coos mother, he had
only got the one, and he thought
she was pretty good at il, at least
SO far as he remembered.
Well, says Geo. of course am
delighted TO have mother and all
that, but it is too bad she hadda
pick out the Sunday / and Joe
Bush was teamed up TO play in
the Open and Shut Golf Cham
pionship on the Hawthorne Club
course, he says, guess she will
expect me 10 can the golf and 60 10
church, he sage, ] thought / and
Joe had a pretty heavy handicap,
but it's nothing to what I'm conner
have.
A NICE PRESENT.
We'll George, / says, that will
do you good, what are you conner
do for her?
And be says well. it viii be moth
er's birthday when she gets here,
and i have ordered her a nice pres
ent, he says, it is a real handsome
sewing basket with thimbles and etc.
in il all ready 10 start repairs, be
says. And naturally that cheercd
me up a little and ] says fine dear,
that was very thoughtful.
Well, says George, you know
mother is kinda conservative, and
while she is here ] do wish you
wouldn't wear so much make up, she
might not understand il, see? And
i says why, the very idea, have
got 20 not alone have the guest
room done over for that woman. but
my own personal face as wellf
And Geo. says now be reasonable,
you put on too much powder any
ways, / have always told you so,
can't you be considerable Of q old
lady's feelings just for a eoupla
weeksi And ] says yes, can II
she can! And then / went out and
broke the bad news 20 Annie
Gooch, the lady auxiliary we had
tied Up in the kitchen.
YOU KNOW HOW THEY ARE
Now, Annie, / says, it's an awful
psty. but his mother is coming for
. visit, and ] hope you won't get
sore, says, on account maybe she
won't stay long. And. says, ]
hope you win be patient with her
you know how them old ladies are
they love 20 como out in the kitchen
and make things. but don't you mind,
III clean up after her. OF course
Ne viii be delighted 20 have deaf
mother with Us, but II she tries run.
ming you and giving you orders
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

a seat on the opening night Of a
revue when they know they can 90
a week later at y the price and
see twice as good a show.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09
BY RING LARDNER-

7. All motorists who uses their
muffler cut out just to make a noise.
s. All people who constantly takes
their brassey to get out Of a buckle
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

I don't want to give her nothing to
pick on, so we done a thorough
house cleaning, bought a few new
pieces of furniture, painted the
bathroom floor and rearranged the
spare room.
FIXING UP HER ROOM.
On account Of the way in which
Geo. had often told me in the old
days when he was a boy his mother
always made her own clothes, and
how she went around with a bare
face even in winter, and read the
riot act if his pa got ashes on the
carpet, and etc. why I fixed up her
room, see, in a way 1 thought
would make her perfectly comfort
able. 1 got a old black walnut bed
out the storehouse for her to lay her
snowy head on while laying plans
to interfere in my household, and
took three red plush chairs, a horse
hair rocker and marble top table
off the second hand Of the second
hand furniture store down to our
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

through them at the horses u a mile
away can tell who is in I'd, Sd, 9Th
or any other position.
G. All people that pays S11.O0 for
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

berry patch just because they read
where Bobby Jones once done 1t.
o. All people who because they
had a 800 ticket to the game, sets
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

a little Rhine wine upon the
shooting buds as you see them
ripening and soak the old birds
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

This Weeks Fairy Story;
Once upon a time a man strctch-|
cd out on a scat in an excursion|
train, and went to sleep.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-09

Our Tiny Truths.
Though clothes do not make the
man, many men owe quite a lot I'd
their tailor.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1925-04-22

SINcE he ran away 5s years ago
oto Join n minstrel show. George
worden has uiado s,S76sst people
laugh.
II would have been round TO-.
100000. but. doEEone il. every audi.
ence has crab or 80 In Il. You
can't make I'm laugh TO save your
life. They just sit there and dare
you. dodrot EN-.
A crab or two In every audience
and gasha'mighty. you'd have to
murder their mothers.in.lnw or blow
up Rotary club banquet 10 get a
grin out OF EN-.
SIN. 9.s7s,s5s grins In n lifetime
isn't so bad. Ought 90 make Il TO-.
o0o, 900 before the final curtain.
SO philosophers George wordcn.
minstrel man from way back. an
slieked up In a pot hat. gray satin
suit and diamond breastpin. that
reminds you Of the Oriental Limited
coming head on at midnight,
II ran away from home in 1870
that was In Lowell. Michigan" says
George, twirling the diamoudstuddcd
cane with the silk ribbons on Il.
Did seven turns In old High Henry's
Ministries and marched In the parade
every day. too. I was Q years old
then.
TT wns a cross-road show. Some.
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1925-04-22
$3.50 Battery Exchange
A. A. Allen

SEWING MACHINES. drop-heads $40
up Repairing, renting. MA In
1926 1884 First ave
The Seattle star. [volume] (Seattle, Wash.) 1899-1947, 1925-04-22
10 SITUATION--MALE
AGENTS WANTED

AGENTS, crew workers. men. wom-
en-: largo commissions; restricted
territory. Patented household ne
ccssity, No competition. No de-
liveries. Sells itself, Kellogg
Products Mig. Co, Carthage, Mo.
TWO tickets TO THE Last Laugh"
at the Columbia theater, for the
owner OF the auto license No
1881. Call at The Star office
Want Ad Dept.