davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-02-08

I was even conner have the ice
cream in heart shape, but decided In
favor of bricks instead-a person
never knows how these affairs will
end.
Well, when everything was ready.
including me, I went to the front
door and called for Junior, and says
come on darling and get ready for
your party.
And he says aw no. don't wanner
i hate the old party, I'd rather play
and enjoy myself.
And I says you come right here this
very minute, and after I says 1t four
or five times he obeyed me instantly,
whizzing right into the house just
as fast as snail with the rheuma-
tism.
And he says aw ma, whatter you
make me have a party for, ma?
And l says, don't talk back at me,
go in and wash up, including your
ears, this amt a real estate auction,
make a good job Of it now!
And Junior says aw waiter I haft
to get cleaned up for, I rather stay
outside and have fun.
And I says firmly, not to now
go do like I said at once, y. I will
tell your father when he comes home.
WELL, any mother which has a boy
w and they are around six or
seven annums old, or ever were that
age, why they will realize what I
went through during the next half Of
one hour.
Some times when Junior stages a
show like the above, why get the
idea / will go to some company where
they make these phonograph records
and put up proposition to them for
me to make a record that is bound
to sell many million copies, or at
least one per ca. Am. home. And the
record will go something to this
effect:
Did you brush your teeth. tie the
other shoe string, your clean shirt is
on the bed, don't forget to comb your
hair, hurry up now, what are you
doing up there son, quit fooling and
do like I told you, hurry up, are you
ready yet, where is your necktie, pay
attention now, mind what you are
doing, stop that, behave yourself.
Well, this record, see, will say the
same thing one thousand times, a
permanent steel needle could be give
Evening star., 1925-02-08

away free with every copy, and OF
| course the phonograph can easy be
| rewound, or in households where
| there are more then one or two
children. why a electric attachment
| can be put to the machine, and then
when the mother gets up In the
morning, all she has got to do is
turn on the switch. This will save
her strength a whole lot In case the
other kind of switch occasionally has
to be brought into action, and in most
healthy families 1t does.
i personally myself am not a be-
lever in these modern ideas where
1t Is considered out OF date to spank
q kid. I have tried reason as q sub
| stitute. but all that happened was
that I pretty near lost my own.
now believe that a licking in time
saves nine.
Well. anyways, this afternoon Of
our valentine party. when Junior
was finally all cleaned up and his
hairs all neatly In place except the
one on top which never Is. well.
then all I hadder do was see that he
stayed that way until his little
friends arrove.
In order to do this, had merely
to keep saying get up off that fioor,
leave that alone, keep your hands out
OF them window boxes, don't touch
thing on the dining room table, sit
still can'tcha? And Junior would
say aw I hate the old party / don't
want no party.
And then just when neither of us
could of stood 1t one minute longer,
a little girl and her mother showed
up, and this kid and Junior set down
in two opposite chairs, very clean.
and glared at each other without
speaking.
Pretty soon after that Mrs. Joe
Bush come, bringing that awful child
of theirs, and he was also washed
pretty near out Of recognition. And
then the bunch of 'em turned up.
until they was all sitting around the
parlor like a Quaker meeting.
r X y x
WELL, some people has got q talent
" to make children play games.
and etc. but I guess this is one thing
got overlooked when they made me.
Naturally, I and Mrs. Joe Bush forced
them to have a few nice games like
London Bridge. Post Office, and The
Farmer III the Debt or whatever it
Evening star., 1925-02-08

paper favors which was mashed into
the carpet, pull a cafeteria with
spoons and saucers from every corner,
and otherwise fix up the house SOS
there wouldn't be evidence OF too
much gaity by the time Geo.. that's
my husband, got home.
In the meanwhile I put on an
other record for Junior to the effect
run and wash right up. don't leave
your good clothes on the floor, no,
you can't keep all that trash, put 1t
in the basket, hurry now, do like
told you, and etc. add infinite pa
tience.
Well, I certainly admire the spirit
of St. Valentino and believe we should
bring UP our kids to see the gentle,
loving quality Of this day and have
them celebrate it according. I don't
know, however, but that when the
next one comes along 1 will lay off
on giving a party and merely send
out a few of them comic valentines
instead.
Copyright, 1881
Evening star., 1925-02-08
BY STEPHEN LEACoCK.


A BOUT Is years ago somebody
~ invented the word 'Attaboy."
IA At first it was used only by
4 \ urchins or the base ball
bleachers. Presently 1t was
used by the college students. After
that it was taken UP by business men,
lawyers. Judges and Congressman and
it spread all over the world.
IT is said that when King George
OF England welcomed home Gen.
Allenby after his conquest of Pales-
tine, he put his hands on Allenby's
shoulders and said with deep feeling,
"Attaboyr'
The general, profoundly touched,
was heard to murmur in return,
"Some king, WHAT
This story may or may not be true.
1t is possible that King George used
merely some such dignified English
phrase as Not half bad at alI!' But
the story at any rate illustrates the
tremendous change that has been
creeping over our language.
am not here referring to the use
of slang. That, of course, is as old
as language itself. The man who
uses a slang word and. let US say,
calls a mans hat his lid" or calls
a. woman a skirt" Is conscious of
using a metaphor and of trying to be
funny or peculiar. But the man who
uses attaboy language In speech or
writing is really trying to say some
thing; he really thinks he is using
English. 1t is not merely the words
that he uses, but the way in which he
uses them.
Let me give an example. That is
much quicker business than trying to
explain the whole thing in methodi-
cal fashion.
ATTABOY Letter OF INVITATION.
Here for example-to illustrate the
old style of writing and speaking
is a letter which received almost
$50 years ago inviting me to attend
= a gathering Of my college class. In
point of dignity and good form the
@ letter speaks for itself.
Toronto, February I, 1895.
'Dear Sir: / beg to inform you that
n reunion of the graduating class Of
1891 will be held on the fifth of
February in the form of a dinner at
the Queens Hotel. The guest of honor
on the occasion will be Prof. Baxter,
who has kindly consented to deliver
an address to the class 1t is con-
fdently expected that all the men,
bers of the class will take this oppor-
tunity to renew old friendships. The
price Of the dinner, including wines,
will be rs cents. May I ask you to
send a reply at your earliest conven-
ience.
with sincere personal regards, 1
have the honor to be and to remain
being
Yours very faithfully,
JOHN SMITH"
y x X X
NOV it happened that just the
~ other day L received a letter
from the same old classmate inviting
me to attend a similar gathering of
the CLASSIC years later. But here
is how he has expressed the invita-
ton:
Mr.. HERMAN from College!
"This Is you.
''RAyi what do you think? The
zeal old He-Boys of 1891 are going
Evening star., 1925-02-08

is called, and eto. And they obeysd
US pretty good. But finally and she
was both of US too exhausted to in
sist on any more, and SO / says come
on Mabel. for heavens sake let's feed
them.
I put on q march tune record and
they done a FIRE drill into the din
ing room and we give 'em the eats,
and each mother stood nervously be-
hind her child's chair, and says don't
do that dear, never put your spoon
in your ear, good gracious, I never
seen Clarence act SO bad before, and
other polite alibis which we all being
women, why we understood and ac
cepted without no comment, even
when it come to hair pulling, swip-
ing some other kids cake. spilling
q dish OF cream on q persons best
dress and other charming childish
indoor sports.
After which all the ladies and I
ate what we could get. and they says
to me, my what lovely decorations,
SO original. my dear, and etc, but
with one eye on the kids to make
sure they didn't break loose and
actually enjoy theirselves.
Then when the young ones was all
all from the table and the party
Scttius Win
lering and running about, and their
stockings commencing to come down,
and hair ribbons to get united, and
the noise was great deal like a
menagerie around lunch time, why
one of the ladies considerably re-
membered she had to meet her meal
ticket with the car at the five fifteen.
So she unscrambled her little darling
from the heap in the middle OF the
room, Strengthened his tie. buttoned
his shoe, wrung his neck, ETC., in true
motherly style, and then dragged
him off.
Naturally this give the other ladies
the courage to leave SO they all says
to me we'll good bye dear, such a
pretty party: say goodbye to Mrs.
Jules, darling and tell her what
good time you had. And Junior now
commenced to: ,holler Aw Ma, don't
let them go home, We was just COM
mencing to have fun. Aw Ma, you
never let me do nothing that 1 want!
And when the last one left, why
I give sigh Of relief. on account
all now had to do was pick up the
Evening star., 1925-02-08
Inspired by New Attaboy Language,
Writers Are Gaining Pep and Punch

stepped forth before the hesitating
citizens
Translation:
"A pre-war blonde who was evident
ly a real peach skipped out in front
Of the bunch"
AT the sight Of her the citizens
paused"
Translation:
"As soon as they put their lamps
on her all the guys stood still"
Reluctant cries of admiration arose
from the crowd
Some doll! said the boys"
"'Cowards. she exclaimed"
"You big stiffs.' she snorted."
land would you leave the defense
of your homes at such a time as
thisv"
"'Do you mean to say that you are
going to ny the coop?"
ITO your posts all of your she
cried"
BEAT it, she honked."
Inspired by her courage the citi-
zens with shouts OF Long Live Sem
pronia! rushed to the ramparts."
Full of pep they all shouted, Alta
| boy. Lizzie!' and skipped up the lad
ders."
Rome was savedi
Copyright, 1921
Evening star., 1925-02-08

to gather in for feed at the
Queens on February 9Th. Songs!'
Speeches. Fireworks! And who
do you think Is going to be the
main Big Talk, You'd never
guess--why old Prof. Baxter-old
Nutsey Baxter. Come and hear
him. Come along right now! The
whole feed--songs, fun and smokes
included-is only six bucks. So get
down In your pants and fork them
out.
Yours Attaboyi Hooroo!
REV. JOHN SMITH,
"(Canon of the CathedraD."
Let it be noted that the great point
Of the Attaboy system is the terrific
desire for emphasis. A man is not
called a man. He is called a herman.
Even that is not enough. He has to
be 100 per cent herman. And in ex-
treme cases he must be called 100
per cent, full-blooded, bull-chested,
big-headed, great-hearted man"-all
Of this to replace the simple old
ia ashioned word gentleman.
Indeed, one could write quite a
little dictionary of Attaboy terms
like this
Gentleman-(See above).
Lady--A big-hearted, wide-eyed,
warm -chested woman, hundred Per
cent soul, and built square.
Friend-A herman with hand
grip and jaw that means that as
soon as you see him In front OF you,
you know that he is back Of you.
Senator = Farsighted, frog-eyed,
nation-waking herman.
Criminal-No such word. Try hold
up man" - "yegg'' = thug" - expert
safe-cracker," etc.. etc, etc.
In the same way, when the Attaboy
language turns from the nouns to
the verbs there has to be the same
vital emphasis. The fatal step was
taken when some one invented thA
Evening star., 1925-02-08
Walkers Traffic Lights.

A LONDON newspaper reports that
so great has become the auto
mobile peril in that erstwhile land
Of quiet lanes and remote byways
that people walking at night on busy
highways wear over their shoulders
small red glass disks that reflect the
lights of automobiles approaching
from behind, thus indicating to the
drivers that pedestrian is ahead on
the road.
Evening star., 1925-02-08
Puddinss Explode.

EXPLOSIONS of plum puddinxs in
several Pottsville, Pa, homes
were reported to city officials. In sew
eral cases women who were prepar-
ing for Christmas were much alarmed,
pans and puddings went bang against
ceilings Investigation showed that
the explosions were due to steam
expansion in the puddings after be-
ing dished. Puncturing the top Of
the pudding with a fork will prevent
such occurrences. officials declared.
Evening star., 1925-02-08
Secret Of Lonk Life.

CEVENTY years old, looks about SO
~ and feels even younger, is an apt
description of Elmer Gray, assistant
county attorney Of Hennepin County,
MINI. He says 1t is all because for
more than 35 years he has gone with
out eating noon lunch. BY not eating
the $4,000. meals he conservatively
estimates that he has saved $3.50.
but wishes some one to tell him where
IL lA
Evening star., 1925-02-08
3,775 Einstein Books,

pRoF. MORRIS LECoT of the Uni
versity Of Louvain has recently
been at work on a photography OF
books about Einstein and RELATIVELY.
He has found the number to be 3,7T5,
only 435 of which have been publish
ed in Germany. England has con-
tributed 1,15o, France $50, Italy 215
and Holland 126.
Evening star., 1925-02-08
LARGEST Dog.

THE largest dog at the London
bench show was a st. Bernard
weighing 1877 pounds, and the small
lest was Papilion that tipped the
scales at two and one-haif pounds.
Evening star., 1925-02-08
Crowds in Yellowsto,.c 6

MORE than $4,000 v!sitsrs czA1ssi
AvA out, with their own a4ripmsur,
In Yellowstone NAttoaaI x1rk A1rlD1
the last year.
Evening star., 1925-02-08

A S Lydia Pinkham, the we'll
~ know imaginative poetess. 40
"A often used to say, "'Tis love
4 Y that makes the world go
round in circles" Amt that
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-09-21
Yes Or No?

Are common colds ever caused by
the bacteria of virulcnt diseases?
.. If the stomach is completely
empty for some time, is the sensation
of hunger continuous?
8. After ground is burned over,
clover often comes in. Is it known
where the seed comes from?
4. Do farm implements ever carry
weed sccdsg
;. Is it true that a snake sleeps
with it's eyes open? T..
Answers TO these questions may be
found $500 -.. -I
]. Yes. Pneumoco&us, streptococ-
Gus and a mild strain of influenza
germs are responsible for many colds.
.. No. Hunger IN man is periodic
even when the stomach continues
empty.
8. Yes. Usually there is some
clover seed in the ground which
sprouts after n fire. A considerable
proportion of clover seed will not alb
sorb water after weeks of soaking
land can remain in the ground as long
as 50 years without losing its vitality.
4. Yes. The Canada thistle is said
to have been introduced into the state
of Oregon on a threshing machine
which was rot sufficiently cleaned.
3. Yes. The snake has no true eye
lids.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-09-21
DISTRESSING SYMPTOMS
OF INDIGESTION RELIEVED

Il was sick with terrible hurt
ing in my stomach" says Mr.. W.
A. Orr, a resident Of Great Falls,
8. c., describing the disorders With
which he was troubled some time
ago.
when I would eat, my stomach
would ache, and such terrible
burning inside! / tot thin. My
akin was sallow. was 80 weak
I could not do my work. had
q breakingout, and I simply was
getting worse and worse
Some one asked me why I didn't
use Black-Draught. I thought I could
ut least give It a trial After tho
first dose or two / was SO weak
/ rested for a few days, then be-
gan taking It regularly.
II felt like l wanted 20 eat. l
had suffered so much I was al
most afraid to, but began. l
noticed first that the burning quit,
then the pain. After a few weeks
/ wasn't afraid to eat and my skin
got clearer. / felt much better. I
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-09-21

The psychologists have a new word
that's worth considering, Pal. IRA
TIONALIZING."
Sounds ritzy., doesn't it?
Most of us think it Is ritzy, when
we do it ourselves.
But as a matter of fact it isn't ritzy
at all. 1t puts on a wonderful front
but at heart it's a cowardly, con-
temptible practice.
RATIONALIZING is NOTHING
MORE OR LESS THAN THE OLD
FASHIONED VICE OF MAKING
EXCUSES" WITH A LOT OF
MEAN MODERN ANGLES AND
TRICKS. -.
For example-you have a sneaking
desire to go through your husbands
pockets to see il you can get anything
on him. You know it's dirty trick
but you're Jealous and angry and you
want to start trouble. So you say tt
yourself: :,
Gosh. Bill will roar his head off il
nc catches me doing this, and know
| it's pretty rotten. But he had no bust
ness STAYING down town last nlghl
without telling me where he went, AM
at any rate I'm his wife and l guess
liz | want to 20 through his pants
pockets I've got right"
THAT'S MAKING EXCUSES.
But suppose you say:
I'm not doing this because n
curious or peevcd. I'm doing it fol
Bills own good. He's a dear boy but
he doesn't know any more about hu
man nature than a babe unborn. TAX
| last night for instance. Goodness
knows what harpie. had hold of him
OF course he SAYS he stayed dOwr
TO work with jim on those specifica
tions. But I'm not dumbbell enough
to believe THAT. Not that l mini
where he went or what he did, In
above petty jealousy like that. But AZ
his wife l must safeguard his inter
ests. And so. though / HATE to do 4
and it's against all my principles, In
actually forced to go through nj
pockets.
THAT'S RATIONALIZING.
And a dirty business it is.
Making excuses was bad enough
but its cowardice was so obvious tina
it served, as n check. The way OF thu
excusc-maker was hard. Everyon
despised him; everyone doubted, ridi
culcd and rejected him. He was a
unpleasantly conspicuous as the lowl.
skunk and as enthusiastically avoid
cd, Which was n blessing.
Not so the Rationalizer. A bright
lively Rationalizer could bluff 81
Peter himself. He has a lengthy
complicated noble sounding explana
ton for everything he does, howevc
small or great, silly or vicious. AM
that explanation ALWAYS puts tn
Rationalizer in the right.
The NaGging Parent, the PeevisI
Husband, the Discontinued Wife, III
Idle Son, the Maynard Daughter
they all can offer naturalization o
their conduct that would bring tear
to the eyes of an artichOke. Never
by any chance haze they transgressc,
because they were full of cussednes
and wanted to raise Cain.
Nay, nay!
They were misunderstood, abused
| thwartcd and oppressed. Their crro
was not q willful impulse-it was tn
sane and sincere gesture of sorrow
ing soul, striving 10 gain its rights
They say it so we'll and so oftcl
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-09-21

We were driving along the coast
near Santa Barbara on the Califor-
MIA coast and were on our way to see
just what the earth had done to that
charming old town when it decided
to do a shimmy and upset things in
general.
1 was at the wheel and Bobby was
curled up beside me watching the
spcedometer. You know Bobby is a
speed fiend, and any place where the
road is clear he always whispers in
my car:
step on it, Foxy Grandpa. Let's
see what she can do"
Confidently, 1 believe that Bobby
has ambitions TO be a race-driver,
among the other things which he has
in mind for q career, when he grows
up.
So as we were whizzing along hit
ting 80 miles an hour, 1 naturally
didn't have time to look at the mouil-
tains on one side or the beautiful
ocean on the other. And we nigh;
never have seen what we did if Bun
ny's sharp eyes hadn't seen it and re-
ported promptly to us.
"Slow IN. Foxy GRANDMA" he shout
cd. I'll show you something"
What is it, Bunny" L asked
when 1 had finally brought my car
to a standstill.
Look out there on the water, Foxy
Grandpa" exclaimed Bunny, pointing
cxcitcdly with his little white paw.
l shaded my eyes with my hands
and was just about to ask what il
was Bunny wanted me to see when
Bobby shouted:
Il see it! It's a, big bird"
And a little one too" added
Bunny.
las 1 live, a pelican, " I declared.
pelican is right" echoed Bunny.
But look at her baby!"
At first 1 hadn't seen the littlt
fellow as it followed its mother at
she flapped her wings and then
planed gracefully above the cain
waters of the Pacific.
They're diving" said Bobby
standing up on the scat of the car.
They're not diving" said Bunny
dec.sivcly. She's diving"
But the baby's following her" in
sisted Bobby.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-09-21

that they actually believe it them
selves!
Nor is this pestifcrous practice con
fined to the home. Observe the Ra'
tionalizing done by the 81 varieties OF
Meddlers who wish to ride herd on
their fellow men.
There is nothing deep about the mo.
uiyes of these bimbos. They. are
mean, picky little souls who Year,
for a chance to bully and bother gay
er, more reckless natures. But would
you gather that from their propagan'
da? I'll say you wouldn't. Accord
ing to their own paid advertising
they're the noblest band Of self-sacri
ficing martyrs that ever gave theil
lives to save humanity.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-09-21
FOXY GRANDPA'S STORIES
They See a Lesson in Diving.

But the baby, hasn't made one
dive yet" said Bunny Now You
just watch r.,
Its a funny thing how the lit
tie one follows his mother around and
around in the circles which she makes
but never makes a dive" murmurcd
Bobby. ....+ u ,
That's the idea," explained Bun
n.y. That mother pelican is trying
to teach her baby TO dive and do his
own fishing. But he hasn't quite
got the nerve to try it yet"
Il wish he would do it while we
are here" said Bobby.
TIE words were hardly out Of
Bobby's mouth when what to our sur
prise the mother pelican gave n great
circle in the air with the baby flap
ping after her as fast as his little
wings would carry him. Then she
fluttcrcd for n moment above the
water, appeared to remain perfectly
stationary and thvn like a shot into
the water she dove. We all cheered
as the little fellow did the very same
thing and made n perfect dive into
the water and came up with fish
in his mouth. ,.-
Good boy" shouted Bunny.
Il started the engine and We went
on laughing" I'll bet that mother
pelican is as proud as was when
Bobby made his first dive"
"Of course" said Bunny. 1T will
save her a lot of trouble now that he
can do his own fishing
Copyright, 1925, International Feature
Service, Incl