davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-11-01

FreenaSh, and | am proud whenever
| stop to think of them, If you get
what l mean.
And she says my dear. il is a real
pleasure TO meet a patriotic woman
like YOU, and I sincerely hope you can
qualify as a Daughter of the Revolu-
ton, now do be sure and look UP
your aunt-sisters and let me know
by the end of next week, l would just
love 10 have you join.
Hot BoZo, when she was gone, |
didn't waste any time, l commenced
looking up my family right away,
starting in with the family album, but
the pictures didn't show nothing suit
able, only Il few whiskers with faces
peeking over them, and ladies' trying
to hide between their earrings SO
get down Juniors American History,
but that didn't do me no good neither,
our family wasn't mentioned any
where's. Then l thought of The
Family Tonic Almanac, and realizing
where it told pretty near everything
in the world. why I dragged 1t from
its place on the big platter we use
Xmas and Thanksgiving. and there
sure enough l found something about
the Wren family on page 91764523.
1t says, October 33rd 1925, Moon,
full TO the gunnels and shipping
water, sunrise. in the east. st. Pre-
servus Day. Same date 1912 AID.
Jake Wren elected dog-catcher at
Nottingham. Eng"
Well, for a while after read that
piece. | just set there, sorrowfully
thinking what a pity l couldn't see
no ways of getting admitted to the
D. A. RS on account of no heroic
grandfathers, forefatherS, and etc.
although catching some dogs / have
met, is some hot work. including
our own dog. which when we want
to get hold of him, why we generally
have to say nice doggie, come here.
with our face and use a good stick
with our hands. especially when about
to show the gentle darling to friend.
Well anyways, | felt terrible bad at
not getting qualified for the first fight
ers of Am. and thought we'll, here
none of our folks have done nothing
for our country l guess all the other
ladies in Mrs. Freenash's chapter will
look down on me, l amt as ariSto-
cratic as them. not that care any
more for what they think, then I do
a person will always feel when forced
to realize that they are as good as
anybody.
A ND while I was sitting there
1 dreaming how one day / would
show EN-, by passing without bowling
after it was found out that George,
that's my husband. was really the
rightful King of England. or some.
thing, why who would come in feel.
Evening star., 1925-11-01
How to Make the Most Effective Use
OF Time That Passes Between the Acts

OF such case. a friend of mine was
driving a car. He stopped it in front
of a candy store. jumped out, went
into the candy store and asked for
4 pack Of cigarettes. There was only
one clerk in the store and he told
my friend that they didn't sell cigar
cites in the candy store and that if he
wanted cigarettes he would have to
so across the street to the cigar store
for them. My friend then asked the
clerk if he would not run over to the
cigar store for him, and the clerk
told my friend that he could not leave
the candy store alone and run over
TO the cigar store for the cigarettes
so my friend ran over himself
THE PERFECT FOOL
Copyright, 1925.)
Evening star., 1925-11-01
BY SAM HELLAIAN.

| ri NEVER seen so many books
- in my life," I remarks to
High Dome Finnegan,
i that tells you how to get
| healthy. wealthy and wise
over night. Are there enough suck
pay?"
| Listen, feller." he comes back.
| There's only three things in the
world that folks are interested in
and"-
whats that?" cuts in. Dough
| mazuma and piasters?'
Dough Is one Of EN-" returns Fin
negan, but it amt the other two.
| Money, health and love are the three,
and any time you get a new slant on
| the way to hook onto any one of EN-,
you're a best seller. I think I'll write
q. book myself, dragging all three Of
'em in at once"
How do you mean?" inquiries.
Like this" explains High Dome"
'I'n get me q hero that's dying Of
couple Of common diseases. He's also
| fiat broke and his favorite frill's just
given him the snow and ice"
why not also give him halitosis?"
/ suggests.
Have a heart. growls Finnegan.
''Well. this lads all set to take high
hop from the bridge when a sweet
young gal who's down and out, and all
| ready for a Brodie herself. meets up
with our hero. They talk things over
and both finally decide to go West.
where men are men and women gov
ernors, to begin life all over again.
To make a long story like you are
financially most of the time, they get
| their health back out in the wide open
places, discover a mine with $76,546,-
1890 worth Of gold In 1t and get mar
ried. Hows that for a gripping
yarn?"
1T don't even get a toe-hold on me-"
says 1. Anyways. that wasn't the
kind Of books I was talking about.
What I had in mind was them books
that tell you how to get TO be a high
pressure salesman or diamond setter
or tightrope walker by reading five
minutes a day for two days. Where
do they get the suckers to fall for that
kind of stuff?"
do you think a guys a sucker to
read book on salesmanship. for eX-
ample?" asks High Dome"
Isn't he?" ! returns. "All the
books in the world wouldn't teach you
to peddle something you didn't have
TO somebody who didn't want II, and
that's what classy salesmanship is,
isn't it?"
Need I say that you're wrong?"
says Finnegan. Its my guess that
thousands of young fellers have been
Evening star., 1925-11-01

really helped by reading those kind Of
books. I amt claiming that a bimbo
can dash through a couple of pages
and then walk out and sell hundred
tons Of coal to a guy with an oil-burn-
er. II takes a combination of book
reading and experience 70 put over
any line except hod-carrying and
ditch-digging. a Doctors no good
until he's used his saw and cleaver
and pill box a few years, but that
don't mean he wasted his time read
ing books on medicine. If a bird
reading up on craftsmanship don't
learn anything except how to spell
few new words and how to write
letter he's got something for his
trouble. hasn't he?"
Maybe. admits. them salesman
ship books are not so bad, but how
about these books that try to teach
parlor manners to coalheavers? DO
you think you can make a bull act
right in "A Chinaman's shop after a
couple of hours of readinG?"
why not?" comes back High
Dome" you've seen those ads.
Evening star., 1925-11-01

dying for drink. What shall l do?
Truly yours, A. LUSH.
Answer: Buy a ticket for the
Odion Theater, and go to see the show
and at intermission it will be per-
fectly all right for you TO take a
drink. Your pledge is only for one
year and the play you are going to
see has two acts, and three years
elapse between the first and second
acts.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Can you tell me
why 1t is that Scotland is always
full of Americans in the Summer?
Sincerely, c. SICK.
Answer: That merely demonstrates
the gratefulness of the American peo.
pie. The reason Scotland is full of
Americans in Summer is simply to
pay them back for the Americans
being full of Scotch in the Winter.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I have been go
Evening star., 1925-11-01

haven't you. And she thought filet
mignon was a fish,
What about it?" l asks.
We'll" says F'innegan, that ad
alone has taught millions of people in
the United States that filet mignon
is not a fish,
What is it?" I inquiries.
What's the difference" he grum-
bles. You know it's not a fish, don't
you?'
I'm willing to take the authors S
word for it." returns. what does
that make me? / also know there
are no cottages in q cottage pudding
nor any tombstones in n graveyard
stew nor any clans in a clam chow
der, but how does that help my social
standing?'
II got to admit" agrees High
Dome" that there's no way to help
your social standing. A book wouldn't
do you any good. What you need s a
vacuum cleaner"
Are YOU trying to insult me-" I
grunts. 'or attempting TO change the
subiect?"
Evening star., 1925-11-01
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

T was on a bright August after
noon that l stepped on board the
steamer Patagonia at Southamp-
L ton outward bound for the West
Indies and the port of New
Orleans. I had at the time no
presentiment of disaster.
We had hardly entered the waters
OF the Caribbean when storm of
unprecedented violence broke upon
us. Even the captain had never. 50
he said, seen anything to compare
with 1t.
On the third morning. just after
daybreak, the ship collided with some
thing, probably either a floating rock
or one of the dry Tortugas. She blew
out her four tunnels, the bowsprit
dropped out of it's place. and the
propeller came right off. The captain
after a brief consultation, decided to
abandon her.
By what accident I was left behind
] cannot tell. But by good fortune
] found one of the ships RATS.
On my second morning on my raft
/ was sitting quietly polishing my
boots and talking to myself when |
became aware of an object floating
in the sea close beside the raft.
Judge of my feelings when ! realized
ii to be the inanimated body of girl.
Hastily finishing my boots / made
shift as best l could to draw the I'M
happy girl toward mo with a hook
and at last on to the raft.
On handkerchief which was still
sticking into the belt of her dress.
could see letters embroidered. Her
name was Edith Croydon.
In some strange way this girl seized
hold of me and dominated my senses.
I realized that l was in love with
Edith Croydon.
Then the thought of my wife oc
CURED to me and perpleXed me. My
wife-for what reason l cannot guess
seemed to find my society irksome.
In vain 7 had tried to interest her
with narratives of my travels. They
seened-in some way that l could
not divine--to fatigue her.
I would no sooner begin, when I
was In the Hirnalayas hunting the
bumpo or bumped buffalo than she
would interrupt;
Leave me for a little, Harold she
would say Il forgot to mention that
my name Is Harold Borus), II have a
pain in my neck"
At her own suggestion l had taken
a trip around the world. On my re-
turn she urged me TO go round again.
/ was going round for the third time
when the wrecking of the steamer
had interrupted my trip.
BY agreement we had arranged for
.. divorce. On my completion of my
third voyage we were TO meet in
New Orleans. Clara was to go there
ON q separate ship, giving me the
choice Of oceans.
Evening star., 1925-11-01

Even the captain said he had never
Seen-
II know" l interrupted, $50 had
ours"
Meantime Clara had drawn nearer to
me. She looked somehow very beauti-
full with her golden hair in the sun
light and the white furs draped about
her.
Harold she exclaimed. Harold,
IS it you? How strange and masterful
you look. ! didn't know you were so
strong"
/ turned sternly toward her.
When I was alone" said, ION the
Himalayas, hunting the humpo, or
bumped buffalo"
Clara clasped her hands, looking into
my face.
yes she said, tell me about it,
darling"
Meantime could see that Edith had
gone over to John Croydon.
John" she said. you shouldn't sit
on the wet sand like that. You will
get a chill. Let me help you to get
up"
tCspyrisht. 1926.l
Evening star., 1925-11-01

and the grocer didn't como and oui
telephone was out of order and George
couldn't think what he done with the
key to the Ford, so | walked tc
market, just for the change. and wher
] come home III tell the world
couldn't do no more, my back was
broke.
HOT BOZO. this affair kept up jus,
the same only worse. for 10 whole
days, meaning they was days shot full
Of holes. l went without help, on &C
count l couldn't get any. and I don't
see why Mrs. Nothing, our local en-
ployment agency calls II that unless II
gives her local employment 10 answer
the phone continuously. and say, no
I'm sorry / haven't anybody, yes. II
put down your name and II l hear OF
anybody IL be sure and let you know
Well anyways. l got to the point
where my back was simply broke.
couldn't do an other thing. but Junior
was well, thank heaven, George was
going back to the office. thank ditto
the house was in good order, and the
family life running with no more
then the ordinary bumps which Is nor
NAL. And this had kept me so busy
hadn't give another thought TO Mrs
Freddie Freenash. and getting into the
d. A r.
But just about this time she dropped
in to see me, and right away she
asked did I find any revolutionary
ancestors that fought in Valley Fords
or something, and I had to admit
where l had fell down completely
Well my dear, she says, that certainly
is awful pity. a fine American WON
an like you. what a shame you amt
eligible! I am so sorry. And says
so am /. on account I certainly ap
preciate what honor II would be &c
belong, and no one feels more then
| the wonderful worth of what our
forefathers and wives did for us, OF
the great ideal they have left behind
for us to use, and if We don't, why II
certainly amt their fault.
But says. lemme tell you one thing
Mrs. Freenash, all the first families
of this country don't belong In the
d. a. r., The Colonial Danes or the
Mayfiower Furniture Co. neither. They
belong to the Homes family, mostly
they live through many a Revolution
the same as l just have, they are
ancestors themselves, as general
thing, though it may be to an only
child. And since i can't get into your
club, I'm thinking OF forming one jus,
as aristocratic and calling 1t "The
Mothers of the Continuous American n
Revolution" and II will be made up
of we ladies who have 10 handle re.
bellious kids and husbands all the time
and try to do it right.
tCopyrisht. 1925.)
Evening star., 1925-11-01

only what I have done, too" she
| answered. II. too, am married,
| Harold, and the man sitting there
below, John Croydon, is my husband"
With wild cry such as a cave man
might have uttered. / had leaped to
| my feet.
Your husband" I shouted. Then
by the living Gulliver he or 1 shall
never leave this place alive"
He saw me coming as / bounded
down the rocks. In an instant he had
sprung to his feet. He gave no cry.
He asked no question. He stood erect
as a cave man would, waiting for his
enemy.
And there upon the sands beside
the sea we fought, barehanded and
weaponless. We fought as cave men
fight.
For q while we circled round one
another, growing. We circled four
times. each watching for an oppor-
handful of sand and threw it flap into
his face. He grabbed a coconut and
hit me with it in the stomach.
Then / seized twisted strand Of
wet seaweed and landed him with it
behind the ear. For a moment he
staggered. Before he could recover I
jumped forward, seized him by the
hair. slapped his face twice, and then
leaped behind a rock. Looking from
the side / could see that Croydon,
though half dazed. was feeling round
for something to throw.
To my horror I saw a great stone
lying ready to his hand. Beside me
was nothing. I gave myself up for
lost, when at that very moment l
heard Edith'S voice behind me say
ing. THE shovel. quick. the shovel"
The noble girl had rushed back to our
encampment and had fetched me the
shovel.
''Swat him with that" she cried. I
seized the shovel, and, with the roar
Of wounded bull-or as near as /
could make it rushed out from the
rock. the shovel swung over my head.
But the fight was all out of Croydon.
Don't strike" he said. I'm all in.
! couldn't stand a crack with that
kind Of thing"
he sat down upon the sand, limp.
Seen thus he somehow seemed to be
quite a small man, not a cave man
at all. His goatskin suit shrunk in on
him. / could hear his pants as he sat-
Il surrender" he said. Take both
the women. They are yours
! stood over him, leaning upon the
shovel. The two women had closed In
near to US.
Il suppose you are her husband, are
you?" Croydon went on.
] nodded
81 thought you were. Take her"
"How has this happened?" / de.
nanded. TELL me-
I'VE were on the same Ship Croy-
den said. Then came q great storm.
Evening star., 1925-11-01
owe Quadrangle, Queer Animals and Other Live Topics
Book Which Tells How to Be an Expert
Wins Praise, Even If Outside Your Line

why should | change the subject"
apologies Finnegau. Whether you
believe il or not, gobs Of people In this
country have been helped by books OF
politeneSS. | know you don't care
whether you eat your pie with knife
or d can opener, but there are a lot
of folks that do. and you got to admit
you can learn how to keep up with the
right lineup of forks and knives from
book
1T never hurt me socially to grab
the wrong fork ! remarks.
1T wouldn't he noticed in Jake's
barrel house" returns Finnegan. but
suppose you was invited by mistake ["
Il decent home some day. Nouldn
you he embarrassed if you didn't know
how to handle the tools they slipped
you with the chow"
Not me, boy" says J. ''AI the
other guests u be out OF step, not me.
Dinner with me is matter Of getting
fodder into my trap, not cutlery
guessing contest. But, all right. Let
1t lay. How about those books that
try to teach a shrimp that amt got
the backbone of an angleworm and
the personality of q half witted Digger
Indian TO become one of those dyna-
mite personalities in a week or So
You'll admit that's u lot of hooey,
won't you?"
NO. / won't" snaps High Dome
| The mere fact that = bird wants Ia
read one of those kind of books is an
admission that he knows he's shy. and
the minute bimbo knows he's weak
1 he's on the way to getting over his
weakness. It's true you can't take 4
! lOW-grade moron and turn him into
dominating influence. but YOU can
make him less Of a low-grade moron"
Just by reading one book"
sneers.
NO" says Finneean. but if bobo
| really wants TO learn something he
! won't stop at one book no more'n a
lad that's hungry will stop with one
| helping. OF course lots Of these ads
| that promise TO teach you French or
| how to he appointed boss of the mint
| in seven or eight lessons are just a
| lot of cheesy bunk. but if a boy ONLY
gets an appetite To 20 on with his
studies the dough he's put up for the
course amt d total loss. You got To
remember that even a brickIayer can
| he helped by reading a book OH basket
weaving"
! How do you figure that" I asks
I Reading makes YOU think" says
High Dome and thinking dom
| hurt YOU whatever you're doing for
! living"
! Not even me, =" ! jeerS.
I'm your caSe.1 returns F'inneCaII.
IT'S different. You can't hang u hat
| where they amt any pegs
copyright. l920l
Evening star., 1925-11-01

ing with a young girl for about one
year. We were always together until
she graduated from high school about
8 months ago and secured a position.
Now, she passes me right by. If I
talk to her she won't answer me.
What can the answer be?
Sincerely, G.. OGRAPHY.
Answer: You say she was all right
when you went to school together
but now that she is working she
won't answer you. Quite simple. She
must be employed as a telephone op-
orator
Dear Mr.. Wynn: A friend Of mine
told ME that he saw a man run over
himself" 1 told him he was crazy
Now he will not speak to me. Do
YOU think it possible for a man to
run over himself?
Truly yours, I. BALL.
Answer: Sure it is possible. I know
Evening star., 1925-11-01
Last Fall Flower.

Tie last Fall flower is the Novem-
Der blossom of the witch hazel. OF.
as 1t is sometimes called, the fyosr
flower 1t looks like an ice crystal
in shape and color and can be found.
low on the ground among the brown
stubbIe. This sturdy blossom is not
in the least like the fragile Summer
flower of the witch hazel 1t never
grows to more than three inches in
height, so must ordinarily be sought
for before it Is found
Evening star., 1925-11-01

Or take "horse laugh" This in
dicates the coarsest, toughest kind
of q laugh and Il person of breeding
and refinement would pretty near as
soon have their friends give them
head cold as the horse laugh. Or
''horseplay" How often YOU hear
theatregoers complain that such and
such a comedy has got too much horse
Evening star., 1925-11-01

to throw light on the real personality
of n horse. Take for example the
phrase ''eat like a horse" The pic
ture you get from this phrase is the
picture of somebody eating without
no regard to ethics or good manners
the picture of a person who you would
as leaf have a horse at the table as
they
Evening star., 1925-11-01
You Won't Have To.

Teacher-"William. use Idaho in a
sentence"
William-'Idaho lot rather answer
another question"
Evening star., 1925-11-01
Wonderful.

Just think. 5000 seals We're used
to make fur coats last YEAR"
'Ain't ii wonderful what they can
train animals to do nowadaYs2"
Evening star., 1925-11-01

Truly yours, T. NUTH.
Answer: I do not wish to advise
against your doctor, but If water
rots your rubbers what is it going to
do to your stomach? Not for me.
Dear Mr. Wynn: / am a drinking
man, but my wife made me sign a
pledge that I would not take drink
Of whisky for one year. Gee! I'm
Evening star., 1925-11-01
BY ED WYNN.

EAR Mr.. Wynn: Ny doctor
has advised me to drink lots
and lots of water and says
that is the only thing for
NV stomach. Is this true?
Evening star., 1925-11-01

40 the Editor: Once in every
so often the undersigned re
ceives a circular from the Horse
Breeders association of America
Evening star., 1925-11-01

r r was on a bright August after
noon that l stepped on board the
steamer Patagonia at Southamp-
i ton outward bound for the West
Evening star., 1925-11-01

ri NEVER seen so many books
in my life," I remarks to
High Dome" Finnegan,
i that tells you how to get
Evening star., 1925-11-01

7 t seems where John Alden, the
boy who put the deals in ideals
once said to his girl.friend Pris-
i ella. Il hope you realize that
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1925-09-25
The New AbOIitiOniStS

A N intrepid little band is this League for
II the Abolition of Capital Punishment
They are setting out on the arduous adven-
ture of combating the giants of ignorance,
habit and hate, and propose to abolish by law
the electric chair the gallows and all other
forms of legal murder" in the forty States
where it still remains.
Fortunately for America this new crusade
is sure to win. 1t is as certain of ultimate vic
tory as were all the other aboitionist move
ments of history that were founded OF right
eousness and common sense. Eight States
have done away with capital punishment and
a half dozen nations, including "barbarous
Mexico, have found better way In the
thirty States in which jurieS are given power
to determine the punishment for first degree
murder men and women are refusing to en-
force the death penalty and the records show
that only guilty person is eighty homi
cides suffers death for the crime
No surer sign of the doom of capital pun
ishment in America is there than that the sci
entsts and students of crime, instead of the
sob sisters, are leading the fight against it.
Listen to two of the leading penoogsts of the
United States:
THE death penalty rests upon wrong
basic principles, says Warden Lewis E.
Lawes of Sing Sing. "It conforms to none of
our modern ideas of criminology. 1t is i'm
possible to apply it scientifically or with any
degree of certainty, and it fails as deterrent
measure"
II have been opposed to capital punish
ment for many years, - says Dean George W.
Kirchwey, ex-warden of Sing Sing and pro-
fessor of law at Columbia University. 1.-The
arguments for it have narrowed down to one
its deterrent effect, and there is not shred
of evidence to show that it deters. The gull
lotine, the hangman S rope, the electric chair,
the lethal chamber, are all equally revolving to
human feeling. The primitive method of
striking blindly in impotent rage at the life
of the offender has had its day. 1t is time now
for a concerted drive tolwipe capital punish
ment from our statutes