davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-04-05

To Editor The Star who run his
Lost & Found Dept to dish
cover servant girls when fired.
~ EAREST SIR: wish write
this quickly because I have
just found some alarmly
- news from Wash, d. c.
From what I heard distinc-
tually know that Pres. Coolidge are
commencing to get stingey with Govt
employees and expect to fire several
patches pretty soonly so save more
money. Are this not an anraged
state of affairs? This are like taking
bread & fce-cream from the poor. For
what are poorer than a Govt Um-
ployee? / know because I have just
seen several, and they are the poorest
employees I have met, even in Dept
Stores
1t happen thusly:
Last Tusday am. Cousin Nogi come
to me with hush-up expression while
saying, Togo, j have just invented
self-Starting buttonhook what can
be used to exterminare flies Quick
seller. No Expenses. Agents wanted"
What are the matter with it, then.
| that you come waltzing around to me
in that susceptible way?" / ask to
know.
1T merely muss be patented" mar
| rate Nogi. therefore I invite you
come train-riding with me to Wash,
y. G. where we will go to the Pat,
Office and get a pat"
Because it were free what could
do but go? Therefore we do SO
| together, and nextly we know we was
| in Penn RR Station. Wash, d. @ We
| had scarcely encroached out of that
| Janus farmhouse when we observe
| a gentleman of medium statue
ernestly reading Baseball 1925.
80 kindhearted Mr.. Sir!" we ollicute
| in unicorn, please to tell us where
u. S. Pat Office are now standing, If
anywhere?'
He kept standing there until he fin
| ish reading Famus Curves l have
Stopped by Grantland Rice. l think
perhapsly he were def & dunn. But
pretty soonly he pull paper out of his
pocket hit 1t with rubber stamp d
poke it at US. With peculiar eyes
/ read following information: ADMIT
ONE TO DEPT OF gIRD NESTS AND
FISHING TACKLE. 1 were confused.
But Hon Dearsir~ 1 peruse. Il do
not wish go Dept Birds Nests & Fish
Tackle"
Nobody do" he say for slightly
| moning. Nobody have been there
for last p yrs. We would all be lone
some there axept for fact that our
6s clerks e. Al stenografters have
very social time. If you hay any
old magazines or X word books please
send them to US, room All, Obituary
Bldg, and thusly relieve the teddyum
of our empty days. Nobody ever hears
of us axept on payday"
II should think you would escape
& go to work." I reject saddily.
I'VE are Govt. Employees" he re-
port, "and nachilly could not do that
Also who would want us? We have
lived so long in a state OF nothing
ness that we have forgot how to do
anything but hit pieces of paper with
rubber stamps"
That are a very depressing tail,
I say so. And now. dearie frend,
would YOU point me to the u. S. Pat
Office where we wish Go?'
X X X
NuUSHESw he say, hiding his
IL words like underclothes. DO
not let other Govt Employees hear
Evening star., 1925-04-05

ocean front where you can eat and
drink and also be merry provided
the right numbers comes UP. but you
can eat and drink anyway because
Honest John has the heart and won't
charge you nothing for beverages or
for food neither II he feels sorry
enough for you.
He felt sorry for the undersigned
and no wonder as my favorite num-
bers, the numbers which had made
me a rich man in Cuba and Monte
Carlo, acted on Mr.. Kelly's wheels
like they was quarantined. 1t was
on the occasion of my 9Th. visit to
Honest John that I give up the idear
of retiring from the field of classi-
cal literature and supporting the wife
and kiddies from a comfortable seat
on the clients side of a roulette
table,
Evening star., 1925-04-05
Ring Revives Various Amusements
AS End of Visit to Nassau Is Near
Copyright, 1921

It seems they was a Scotchman and
a man named Cohen and they didn't
neither of them have anybody to play
golf with so they decided to play with
each other and then Cohen asked tho
Scotchman what he genally went
around in. They being a lady present
and Mr. Levy being q brother Friar
1 resisted the temptation to end it all
with a niblick.
1t leaked out some way another
that [ was a wonderful musician and
interested in folk songs and etc. so
we was adviced to take a carriage
ride to a little settlement of natives
called Grantstown where they said we
would hear some weird Bahamian
melodies sang to the guitar by moon
light so we took the trip and sure
enough the streets was filled with ma
tive citizens chanting Blues of Ten
nessee and Whatrl 1 Do by that tai
ented West Indian composer Irving
Berlin. We finely did run into a hack
driver that knowed the Nassau songs
and was charmed by one number
which was d kind of lyrical history
of the burning of the old hotel. Here
is a few of the verses:
Do Aunt Nanny. do Aunt Nanny.
Do Aunt Nanny, how do you do?
Hay, Hay, DO Aunt Nanny do.
The hotel burned down smack and smooth,
Hay, Hay, do Aunt Nanny do.
The hotel burned down smack and smooth
The white man run and left his shoes.
Hay, Hay, do Aunt Nanny do.
!: x x
TT seems that the white man also
left lot of liquor in the hotel and
| Aunt Nanny rescued it and had wild
| night and her experiences Is all re-
lated in the course OF the song and
only wished I could remember the
rest of 1t.
Which reminds me as Jock would
say that they have got a Friday clos
| ing law in Nassau which don't refer
! to the saloons but all other kinds OF
stores and they must close up by noon
and stay closed till Saturday, but II
| they disobey this law nothing hap
pens unless a customer goes in the
store and then the customer is fined
pounds vile the store keeper gets
off with a good scolding. The rea-
son for this may be that the customer
| might possibly have pounds where
as they amt no chance for one Of the
I store keepers being that dirty with
| money.
| am kind of afraid I amt give you
| a very vivid picture of the Bahamas
| in these 2 letters and regret that 1
was too busy down there to take
| notes like I should of, but all and all
will state that l amt never been to a
| more pleasanter place to spend the
Winter and Nassau has got a climate
of which they can boast and certain
/ Iy do, and also plenty of amusements
and industrys of which the most i'm
portant is the sponge fisherys which
the biggest sponge merchant down
there told me that the sponge was
really the lowest form of animal life
| and not u. S. Senators as claimed by
Percy Hammond.
Evening star., 1925-04-05
When Ice Goes Out

w it means the coming OF Spring
and Is eagerly awaited. At Fair
banks the people place a large clock
on the bank Of the stream and to II
fasten q long wire, the other end of
which is attached to the ice so that
when the ice moves It stops the
clock. Then they sell guesses as to
the exact day. hour and minute the
Ice will break. In 1923 the ice pool
amounted to more than $1,000. The
ice broke at 2:13 on the afternoon of
May 3. And when it breaks the
people rush out and fairly shout for
joy as that raging, roaring. rushing
torrent of ice moves out into the
Yukon and down to the Bering Sea.
Evening star., 1925-04-05

"Take that rapidly to Room 4444-
22222-A and present it to the End
Asst. Director of the Senseless."
But could you not inform me in a
few shorthand words where 1 could
find this U. S. Pat Office, thusly saw
ing trouble?" revoke Nogi.
I'VE are not here to save trouble" !"
,decry Hon. Clerk. IF we did, what
would become of our jobs?"
We spend nearly an afternoon.
wandering from places to places,
444422222-A where we dishcover a
Boy Clerk who look at us with sub
marine expression peculiar to Gut
zop Borglum talking about Cen Lee.
What wished, If anything"' he
ask TO know.
Il present this card, please, which
by some way will lead me to u. S.
Pat. Office, Wash, d. C." ] do so.
He look.
"Henery," he require to Asst.
Stenografter, please find Manifesto
Form II in File 11111113-K"
Henery arouse from sleeping and
hoIla, "Bill! VIM
Out of the distant scenery arrive
one enlarged 18th Asst
x 4 X y
SplLL, say Henery, ina Manlnsto
- Form IL IN File 11111113-K"
Harry" holla Bill, here are gen
tleman looking for a Manifesto. Notify
Manifesto Clerk to notify the Storage
Dept Chief that one G) Manifesto
have been called for"
That are not in my Dept to do so,'
narrate Harry with Col Forbes ex-
preston.
Well" notate Bill, send for House
Detective and find whose Dept such
| work should be in
please set down." dement, Hon. Boy
Clerk while whacking strongly with
rubber stamp.
Me & Nogi set down on that row OF
chairs & read American Hercules
through backward twice before Hon.
Boy Clerk make backonfng movement
with finger. We comeup rapidly.
80 sorrow to report" he say so.
Information for which you search
cannot be got till next We'd, 3 pm. "
"Whyso?" I howell & growen. We
come here estranged travellers and
wish merely learn something which
even Hon. knick Longworth could
tell US, If we knew him. What all this
circular paldaver about?"
Evening star., 1925-04-05
Season Now Is Rapidly Approaching
To Prepare for the Complete Wedding

that love you at first sight" there is
no doubt what sort of gasp her second
gasp would be.
And If he took care to be standing
outside shop window with an "assort-
ment" glittering in it she would prob
ably faint into his arms. There are two
things that fascinate all women. Love
at first sight and jewelry. Secure of
his bride. all that the young man would
need to do would be to take her name
and address and then go and round up
his uShers.
Copyright, 1927
Evening star., 1925-04-05
For NAH -Jong Tiles.

is ever wasted at the
Chicago stock yards, but recently
there has been an unparalleled call
for shinbones for expectation to
China for making mah-jong sets.
says the Scientific American. Such
bones are now an important article
Of commerce and are sent to China
by the ton. These are used in con-
nection with bamboo to form the
tiles" in the mah-jong set.
China does not have many domestic
animals, and, therefore, is not able
to supply the er-increasing demand.
Evening star., 1925-04-05
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK,

| HE season is now rapidly ap-
preaching when the Spring
wedding will begin and
4 along our most fashionable
and leaf1est residential stree IS
we shall see the little crowds of nurse
maids and children gathered in front
of the awning under which the bride
IS to walk, and note the taxicab
drivers decked up with little pink and
white rosettes and looking worse
than ever.
1 had little expected personally to
be brought into this Spring wedding
business. But an accident of the mails
has dragged me into it, and so If
there is anything that can do or say
to speed up such deserving form of
enterprise, 1 should like to be in 1t.
1t happened yesterday that 1 re-
Ceived in my mail with something of
a shock or surprise-by what partic-
ular error I do not know-a letter
from a well-known firm of jewelers.
which was beautifully typed upon the
most expensive kind Of paper and
which read as follows:
Mr.. Stephen Leacock.
Dear Sir:
I'VE learn with pleasure of your ap-
preaching wedding, and are taking 6
this opportunity of addressing you in
connection with your requirements
for this important event.
There are favors for the grooms-
man and for the ushers to be con-
sidered, also the wedding ring. What
style shah it be? And the groom's gift
TO the bride-may we have the pleas
ure of making suggestions?
we shall be glad of the opportunity
30 show you our newest designs, and
are pleased to state that prices have
nos been so favorable nor assort-
ments so interesting for many years" "
NOV 7 regret to say that in my
own particular case this beauti-
Iul Letter is of no use. My approach
ing wedding approached about 25
years ago, got nearer and nearer and
presently arrived, and is there still.
But at the same time there seems
TO be an earnest appeal about this
letter that ought not to be overlook
ed. There must be hundreds of our
young people whom it ought to reach.
This question of the groomsman--
have we ever as nation faced II
fairly and squarely? What ought he
to get and where ought he to get 1t?
And the usher-of course he ought
60 be considered. But have we ever
any of US, given as much considera-
ton TO the usher at a wedding, or
any other usher, as we should? Have
we realized that q good usher prac-
tically makes the wedding, and If one
can't get frst-class ushing it would
be better not to get married at all?
In short. when I look over this letter
realize that great many of our young
men approach the whole question OF
marriage from a wrong point Of view
Apparently the first thing-or rather the
only thing-they do is to get out anc
select the bride To this they evidently
devote great deal Of trouble. trying te
get one of exactly the right length and
breadth and 3ugt exactly the shade o.
0oIor that they want
Evening star., 1925-04-05

I may as well get some exercise
But for the luvva Lucy, Jennie, in
future, be yourselfi
Then Geo. went ramping off, and
/ set down and almost started to cry
when 1 remembered the green Henrys
in my hand, and Hot Bozo, / come
right to life. No sooner had Geo got
out of the house then I grabbed the
phone and called up Mabel Bush.
Hey Mabel 1 says I am resigning
from your Good Wives Club. Men is
creatures of habit l says. and 1 guess
1 am one George don't want to change.
AS for that good advice Editor I says,
for all he is so handsome / will bet
you a jar of my best preserves he
amt ever been married once.
Downright 1881
Evening star., 1925-04-05

However I don't know no worthier
charity who I would rather contrib
ute to than Mr.. Kelly as he treats
you fine win or loose and even sent
flowers and good wishes to the ladies
the day we sailed away so that in
stead Of being mad at him we was
all very sorry when he left the end
of a finger in a taxicab door.
y X -
Jock HUTCHINSON is the genial
pro at the Nassau golf course where
hooked drives on the LIST. two holes
cost a dollar apiece unless your cad
dy is a fish. I had not met Jock
since or yrs. ago back in old
Chi and he didn't remember me on
acct. Of not having no mustache at
the time or now neither as far as
that is concerned, but any way he
says he was glad to meet me and
that I reminded him of the story
about the Scotchman and Cohen. 1t
seems they was a. Scotchman and a
Evening star., 1925-04-05
A New Vegetable.

A STRANGE looking vegetable, CALL
\ ed the yama, has been received in
Maine. 1t was propagated In Wyom-
ing by an expert named Carney. who
Is Burbank with vegetables. The
yama Is a cross between a melon, a
squash and sweet corn. It grows on
vines like 81 melon and on the outside
resembles five small ears of corn
welded together. It has bantam
sweet Porn taste. with a slight flavor
ing Of squash.
Evening star., 1925-04-05
Electric Dining Room.

nETROIT, Mich, has a. restaurant
~ in which the meals are served by
electricity. The diner selects a table,
notes on the menu the food he desires
and drops the menu through a slot
in the table. Presently there is a
humming noise and in tho center of
the table on a. four-post tray appears
kbs food he has ordered,
Evening star., 1925-04-05

the need Of them, and view the whole
question with q melancholy retrospect.
All that the young man needs to do is
to wait on the street till a girl comes
past who suits his fancy, raise his hat,
and say, II beg your pardon. will you
marry me?" Her first exclamation might
be a gasp of astonishment, but If the
young man added, 'I have never seen
you before. but your beauty has made
such an instantaneous impression on me
Evening star., 1925-04-05
"DRIVE UP TO THE HOUSE WITH TAXICABS, WITH HIS
CLERGYMAN AND USHERS LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOWS"

They seem to attach an inordinate I'M
portance to the bride, as If there were
no such thing 8 ushers to be considered.
On all the rest Of the preparations for
the wedding they merely take a chance.
They make no effort to see whether the
year is likely to be a favorable one, with
prices Of wedding favors away down !;
they make no inquiries in the livery
stables or elsewhere AZ to how many
grooms are available, and 1t never oc-
ours to them to take a look around to
secure a few ushers before being swept
into premature marriage.
All this, as / see 1t now, ought to be
reversed. The wise young man should
do nothing until, by consulting wholesale
prices, index numbers and market re-
ports, he sees that things are favorable.
Then he must go and buy an "assort-
ment" The next thing is to get a groom,
buy him his favors, pin them on him
and board him somewhere SO as to keep
him till the rest Is ready. After that
the young man should hire a couple Of
ready dressed and prepared to ush at
any moment.
TT is doubtful whether any young
girl OF today could resist the offer
Of a young man who had everything all
ready like this-his Assortment" spread
on a tray, his church all lighted UP, his
groomsman and his ushers dressed right
up to the neck. He could practically
have the pick Of all the girls In town.
All he would have to do would be to
drive up to the house of any one of
them with 10 taxicabs, with his clergy
man and his ushers looking out of the
windows.
The trouble is that so few, if any, of
our young men realize how singulaxiy
easy 1t is to get a bride. That knowl-
edge Is confined to men -Eho are past
Evening star., 1925-04-05
BY RING LARDNER.

"O the editor: Last wk. we
was talking about Nassau in
the Bahamas and this wk.
i we will very the monotony
by disgusting the same sub
ject once more. I will leave it to
others to describe the clear waters
of this section of the Atlantic where
you can see the famingoes, lizards
and fish wading on the bottom of
the ocean at a depth of 40 IT. and
will also refrain from references to
other liquids that frequents these
premises and which I did not taste
same on acct. of 1t not being no fun
to drink where they's no law against
1t, but will confine myself to a few
wds. in regards to such attractions
as Honest John Kelly and Jock Hut
Crimson and similar incidence of our
all too brief sojourn on fair New
Providence isle.
Mr.. Kelly denies that he is called
Honest John SO as to distinguish him
from all other Kellys. He is the
prop. of a palatial club house on the
Evening star., 1925-04-05
Togo Sees d-Tape Peril
Following Official Channels.
BY WALLACE IRWIN.

BIZ WALLACE IRWIN.
To Editor The Star who run hi
Lost & Found Dept to dish
cover servant girls when fired.
Evening star., 1925-04-05

HE season is now rapidly ap-
preaching when the Spring
wedding will begin and
4 along our most fashionable
Evening star., 1925-04-05

A S Queen Victoria, the only
~ woman President of England,
a often said, "All wives is per-
~ A feet the first year, after
which many Iurn out to be
Evening star., 1925-04-05

uIJUSHESw he say, hiding his
IL words like underclothes. DO
not let other Govt Employees near
The Alaska fisherman., 1925-02-15
WRANGELL TO LOSE
 CANNERY

It has been reported that the Alas ka Packers Association has pur- chased a site at Charcoal Point, near Ketchikan, and that the Company is to move the Wrangell plant to the new site. The procedure will be somewhat as follows: After the end of the present season the Wrangell plant is to be dismantled and the machinery installed in a plant to be constructed at Charcoal Point. Fred Hickman, manager of the Lor- ing plant is mentioned as the man. aged of the new cannery, and Cap tain Schott of the Wrangell plant will be transferred to Loring. The Alaska Packers is reported to have rendered their Loring hatchery pro- perty to the Territory, providing, however, that the United States will continue to give them credit on the release of salmon fry in rebate of taxes.
 No mention is made of the fact that after operating that hatchery for about twenty years the great salmon creek at that point is vir- tually barren of all fish. The as sociation is more interested in se- curing rebate of taxes than in maintaining the run of salmon.
The Alaska fisherman., 1925-02-15
CANNERY TAXES

The canneryman should not pay any more taxes than is right
 He pays a total tax of $332, 400 70 the Territory now according to the statement of "The Canning Indus try of Alaska"
 In addition to this, he pays a fed eral tax of cents a case and the usual corporation tax of 1212 per cent on the net profits.
 The canneryman says that he pays about 60 per cent of the taxes of this Territory; but he says nothing about whether this is a fair tax or not. The value of canned salmon taken out of this territory annually amounts to about S5O,0OO,OOO. A one per cent tax based on valuation would bring this Territory tax income of $5OO,OOO. This is on a basis of a ten mill tax.
 Suppose We taxed the canneries on valuation. They say that they have an investment in Alaska amounting to 70 million dollars. A ten mill tax, which every one will admit is very low, would bring the Territory $7OO,0OO in taxes.
 "EXhorbitant taxation cannot fail to react unfavorably on the fisheries industry and serve to discourage capital available for other lines of industry from entering Alaska"
 Whenever the Canning Industry will say to our Legislature, "Here are our income tax reports for the past ten years, look them over, and be fair to us," then we would say to the Legislature, "The facts are before you. Treat them fairly"
The Alaska fisherman., 1925-02-15
MUSCLE SHOALS

An amusing speech was made in the Senate on January 9th last when Senator Norris addressed the Senate on the subject of the Muscle Shoals project. The basis for his humor is found in the peculiar fact that the administration bill has been placed in the hands of Senator Un- derwood, the leading Democratic senator, and certain so-called stand pat senators, both Republican and Democratic, are behind the Under wood bill, which is being opposed by Senator Norris of Nebraska.
 "It makes very little difference to me personally because these ma chimes have run over me so often that I am as thin as the conscience of a Democratic politician just be- fore election; and they have run over me the other way until I am as short as the memory of a Demo- cratic politician right after election."
 Senator Norris aroused both sen ators and the gallery to gales if laughter when he described an i'm aginary love feast attended by the various elements that have been be- hind the Underwood bill. Refer ring to the president, Senator Oscar Underwood, Senator Pat Harrison, Senator Judge Robinson and Sena- tor Tom Heflin, he said:
 "This has been really a wonder- full combination. There is Silent Cal, at the head; Smiling Oscar, Happy Pat, Jovial Joe and Me Too Tom, all bound up together by the sacred ties of fertilizer, five shoals with but single thought, five hearts that beat as one. What a glorious time! What a glorious banquet they could have. Going into a banquet hall, the dinner furnished by the electric trust, the General Electric company, the seasoning for the meats and soups supplied in the shape of fer- tilizer by the Alabama Power com pany, the liquid refreshments given to them by the Republican national committee. What a glorious jubilee they could have!"