davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-07-19
Continued

gratulations. Pigeon in the stall.
Benny"
Yes. Kid. Poor little cuss seems
Kind OF wind blown and tuckered out
| laid 1t in the straw with some feed
Dog may cats, II" He passed
a rough hand across his eyes-and
completed the balance of the sentence
in husky whisper to his horse.
The hustler entered the stall and
knelt down TO examine the crippled
queen of the sky. You Ill sweet
heart" he murmured. You sure
brought US luck today. Easy now,
what else YOU brought. Aha.
thought so. l know now why vaIen-
tines always have pictures of doves
on EN-, oh, Benny, come in here a
minute. Have you got your reading
specs with you?"
Advance Guards owner needed the
summons, clumsy fingers fumbling in
his vest. Specs? Specs? What
the matter?"
The Information Kid extended a
folded note he had taken from a tiny
cylinder. "Nothin' the matter, Benny.
1t looks to me like q winning ticket,
but you better read it.
Old Man Benson donned his spec
tacles. and his lips moved as he
mentally Spehed out the message.
Gradually the stubble on his cheeks
seemed to take on a pinkish glow. II
was the nearest approach to a love
letter that Miss Brown had ever writ
ten or Benny Benson had ever re
ceived.
The Information Kid comd not re-
sist the temptation to peer over
Benny's shoulder. He could distin-
guish but one line
Helen was lonely, and so am I.
Please forgive"
Benny looked up a minute later, and
his face was transfigured. Suddenly
he burst into activity, dashing around
the stall and collecting his belongings.
Out came the tackle-boX. Down came
everything from the walls. The In
formation Kid grinned.
"-Ain't going away, are you, Benny .
Yep" said Old Man Benson, me
and the horse and the pigeon. We're
shipping to Canada on the first trainr'
Copyright. 1925l
Evening star., 1925-07-19
New and Applied Theory of Evolution
Fails to Maintain Interest Of Crowd

person in the party, who by this time
was very sleepy himself.
WELL" said DR.. Wallem, II don't
want to bore you long or keep you
long, but here is my theory about
certain other people who may be
more or less famous. We will take
for example Mr.. Ed. Wynn who is
always laughing and 1t is my con-
tention that he is descended from a
hyena. Or we will take Mr.. Babe
Ruth, descended from a bat. Or we
will take Mr.. Gene Buck who has
always been lamb. And I know lots
of people who are elks, eagles, owls,
lions and ETC., and always look like
them.'
At this point they was quiet
laugher on the part of the host and
nobody else was left in what l jok.
ingly refer to as the shack so got
up and said to DIR. Wallem. would
you mind spending the rest of the
night in your own domicile?"
He turned around to me and said
in a quiet voice as he was passing
out:
You also know that they's a lot
of gals who are perfect deers.''
I asked him who, but by this time
the bird had flown.
Next week I will give you a ex-
hibition of a person not quite so
tedious as DIR. Wallem.
Evening star., 1925-07-19

I commenced to wonder was being
back on the farm ideal or a bum
deal.
And then when Junior went fishing
in the old pond and the fish pretty
near caught him before / did, well, |
begun to remember the cramped and
narrow life / had led back home in our
narrow bungalow, with all the weak
ening conveniences such as electric
dishwashers, lots Of cheerful neigh.
bors passing along the street, vacuum
cleaners and equally vacuum lady
friends and other points Of modern
life, and l made up our minds 1t was
really our duty to go on back there
and try to stand 1t.
So one evening. sitting beside our
sweet old-fashioned kerosene lamp,
while Geo. ! expect with the idea in
his mind that he was now the family
goat, was eagerly devouring a week
old Sunday newspaper from the big
city. 1 spoke up and told him where
l thought maybe this deserted farm
hadn't been thoroughly deserted
enough yet, we better try our hand
at IT.
WELL, Geo. didn't answer anything
w much TO that at first. Maybe he
hated to think of giving up the dear
old place. Or of not giving 1t up. Or
something Anyway, he only rustlsd
his paper, stalling for time. and then
he says Uhuh. well, perhaps you are
right. Say, Jennie, see here in the
papers where a prophet out in Ari'
zona has prophesised that this year
is conner have the hottest summer
and the coolest President that the ma
ton has ever known. Say, certainly
do admire that man Coolidge. I'd
wisht to be just like him il l was
him, see? He's the coolest man.
Yeh, l says, he certainly cuts quite
some ice in the country. But even he
don't stay on the farm all the time,
Geo, 1 was mentioning that we might
also leave He will. he's got other
business to attend 10. / mean his
real job.
Well, says George, to tell the right
truth, I got a letter from Joe Bush
today and he is trying to force me
into buying this farm. so was think
ing Of leaving even before you men
toned It. If he had only kept still
and not pushed me too hard. / might
Of bought It, but / won't be forced, es
pecially on Sunday.
Well, I says, I suppose he thought
the better the day. the better the deed
But don't you feel bad or make any
excuses about us leaving, dear, every
body can't make good on a farm any
more then they could in the White
House, which is probably why we only
have one President at a time. For
if nine-tenths of the men in America
could make as good as Cal. the His
torical Club wouldn't be refurnishine
the White House. they would be build
ing 20 story wing onto it to &C
commorate the crowd!
Copyright, 1925)
Evening star., 1925-07-19
Not Abnormal.

may suck their
~ thumbs as long as they like
without being accused of abnormal
ity.'
This was the answer given by DIR.
Norman Haire, London specialist, to
DR.. H. c. Cameron's assertion before
the American doctors that children
addicted to thumb-sucking or to head
banging should be ordered to suck
their thumbs or bang their heads
three times day as a matter of
routine"
IF a child sucks it's thumb or bangs
its head, let 1t go on doing it, said
DR.. Iiaire. 'It is not an abnormal
symptom IL the child is known to be
generally healthy. Harmless habits
should be left alone.
IF the child refuses it's food the
best plan Is to take it away and give
the child nothing else until the next
meal, when 1t will be hungry and not
so fastidious.
Excessive mothering is very harm
full. The mother tries to shield her
child as long as possible without rea-
lizing that she Is storing up little
hell for its early school days.
Children should not be given a
negative or positive order without the
parent giving the reason why. The
child should be encouraged to ask
why 1t should or should not do a
thing"
Evening star., 1925-07-19

the field. 1t cut across the far turn.
flashed into the stretch. picked up
horse after horse, appeared to hesi-
tate an instant, swerved and then
went on
Explain it as you will. Perhaps the
king of the selling platers heard not
alone the whir of wings, but the roar
from the grandstand. Perhaps it was
the reins hanging free from the hands
of an almost unconscious boy. The
great chestnut. apparently unguided
pulled out of the ruck, went around
his field and came up on the outside of
the track where the footing was firm
est. Ahead of him moved a blue
streak.
The Information Kid was the first
to catch the picture.
Helen of Troy in the Lead he
shrieked. Come on. you Advance
Guard! There's your race, boys! Here
he comesi'
The crowd took 1t up Historically.
The big horse, with no help from his
rider, was driving desperately for the
wire, finishing on his courage and in
telligence alone! A sixteenth out it
looked impossible. But he came on
like cyclone, gaining at every
stride. Fifth Fourth! Third!
Pandemonium broke, and down at
the rail- the hustlers ripped the lid off
bedlam. Second now, and only SO
yards to go!
Snowflake! Snow-face, C'mon, you
big train"
And on he came-a battered, mud
covered sovereign of the turf, lunging
onward until there was nothing ahead
of him but the winning post and a
pigeon! In that order they went un-
der the wire, with three judges GER
tifying to the fact, and all Tia Juana
acclaiming the verdict.
X x X y
THE Information Kid was the only
one of all the hustlers who con-
sidered the possibility of an epilogue.
He made his way up. the winding
path of Frying pan Hill and came
across Old Man Benson cooling out
Advance Guard in front of their
domicile. Benny's hands were still
shaky from emotion, and his grizzled
face was a study.
The Information Kid proffered con
Evening star., 1925-07-19

! body which had a healthy imagina
! ton or who had been to the movies or
owned one of them famous pictures
of the French peasants (or pheaSants
which ever is correct, | mean the
folks in their wooden shoes that are
pausing from their comparatively hon
est toll, could get an idea of how good
| them fields was conner be when COM
pleted.
l got an awful big kick out OF it,
but nothing compared to the kick I
was doomed to put up later. In TACT,
that was all / did put up that season
in spite of the fact 1 had counted on
few doz. jars of tomatoes, picked
peaches and etc.
Well anyway, Hot Bozo, I says to
George, this is great, I says. What
we ought to get now is flock OF
cows. a chicken for the eggs, and
side of bacon on the hoof. / do like a
few pets around farm. they give it
atmosphere, and Geo. says yeh, espe-
cially the pigs.
This was a real farm house, see,
with lots Of space inside and no silly
conveniences to spoil it. 1t was built
for the good old type of lady, built
by her men folks. to keep her busy.
Woman's place was sure in the home
in them old days, on account as soon
as she got the last room put In order.
II was time to commence cleaning the
first room again.
The water for this house come from
a picturesque old pump on the back
porch, and / guess the former owners
must Of been fond of music. on ac-
! count this pump had a lovely alto
voice. once 1t got its throat cleared
and was started good. 1 used to so
out and make it perform three times
a daV for dishes
A S for George and the heavy stuff
outside, it sure was a delight TO
first time in years I actually seen him
at work. Before I had only heard
him complain about work when he
come home from the office, nights.
For a sample, the way he handled
a scythe was remarkable, II any lady
had been willing to make the neces.
sary kind Of remark To see him
swing 1t reminded me of the Presi-
dents home work, 1t was so different.
OF course the Pres. had lot of
press cameras on him at the time he
was doing that, and maybe Georges
stuff would of improved If he had had
the same. You know how a person
usually does a thing well II they are
obliged to do it in public. But with
moving, Cal had it on Geo. the same
as in many other respects.
I guess the principal trouble was
Geo would Of preferred to use his ex-
ecutive ability on that hay. Anyways,
he did more incoming than moving,
for every little while he would lay off
the job in order to explain to me just
how 1t ought to be done. By the time
he actually got the front yard fin
ished he was pretty near finished also,
Evening star., 1925-07-19
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

IN HERE was no fault to be found
with Mr.. Yarner till he made
his trip around the world.
1t was that, I think, which
tilted his brain and untitled him
for membership in the club.
well" he would say. as he sat
ponderously down with the air of a
man opening an interesting converse
ton, II was just figuring it out that
II months ago today was in Peking." !"
That's odd" l said. II was just
reckoning that eleven days ago was
In Poughkeepsie."
"They don't call it Peking over
| there" he said. ITS sounded Pei
Change"
"I know" I said. ITS the same
with Poughkeepsie; they pronounce
1t P'Kipsie."
1.-The Chinese" he went on musing-
ly. "are a strange people"
$50 are the people in P'Kipsie," l
added, "awfully strange"
That kind of retort would some
times stop him, but he was especially
dangerous If he was found with a
| newspaper in his hand. That meant
| that some item of foreign intelligence
| had gone to his head.
Not that I should have objected to
Yarner describing his travels. Any
man who has bought ticket round
the world and paid for 1t is entitled to
| that.
But 1t was his manner Of discus
| sion that I considered unpermissible.
Last week, for example, in an un-
guarded moment I fell a victim. I
| had been guilty Of the imprudence-
| forget in what connection-of speak
| ing of lions. / realized at once that
| I had done wrong. Lions, giraffes,
elephants, rickshaws and natives of
all brands are topics to shun In talk
| ing with a traveller.
Speaking Of lions" began Yarner.
He was right, of course; 1 had
| spoken of lions.
II shall never forget" he went on
| (of course, I knew he never would,
"a rather bad scrape I got into in
| the up-country of Uganda. Imagine
yourself in a wild, rolling country COW
cred here and there with kwas along
the sides of the nullahs."
/ did so.
We'll" continued Yarner, I'VE were
sitting in our tent one hot. night
| too hot to sleep-when all at once we
| heard. not 10 feet in front Of us, the
most terrific roar that ever came from
| the throat of lion."
AS he said this, Yarner paused to
take a gulp of bubbling whisky and
soda, and looked at me so ferociously
| that / actually shivered.
Then quite suddenly his manner
cooled down in the strangest way and
his voice changed to a commonplace
tone as he said:
Perhaps I ought to explain that
Evening star., 1925-07-19

and the lawn hadn't lost none Of its
rough, country beauty. 1t looked like
a COW with no direct purpose in life
had taken large bites out of it here
and there.
never will forget the day, though.
when Geo. brought in the first crop
that he had planted. 1t was al radish.
1t was real nice radish. even II 1t did
give the appearance of having dieted.
But Geo. said it hadn't done so on
account he had certainly made the
ground rich enough for any vegetable.
But he admitted he must of planted
the seeds a little too close together SO
there wasn't much room to grow.
And I asked him did he think that
was the reason the average crop of
sardineS was so narrow? So he says
for the luvva tripe, cut that stuff out.
can't you show a little appreciative-
ness after I have sweat and toiled to
wiring a living from the soil?
And I says I'm commencing to wish
you would ring one from your Office
by telephone, so far as l can see that
fruit has cost us exactly twelve dollars
and ninety-eight cents, which Is an
other respect in which you don't re-
semble Mr.. Coolidge, on account he is
nothing IL not economical. II you
think it's economy to raise radishes at
that price when anybody else can buy
'em in the store for five cents a
bunch. your thinker isn't working, it's
full Of static. And George says, Aw
was a real hick, see. Then he went
to curry the horse.
X r.
WE had several animals by this
w time, including a one-horse-pow-
=, l,4I L. h, II
some place that a horse had ought to
be curried every day. So he got some
curry powder and rubbed 1t on HIM
until the barns smelled more like a
East Indian restaurant than a stable.
I only wondered Geo. didn't feed the
brute rice instead Of oats to go with
It,
1t was certainly lovely to have all
them farm animals. and II only they
could Of been trained 20 feed their
own selves and keep their rooms tidy
they would OF been practically no
trouble at all. Maybe our mistake
was we bought them OFF a farm near.
by where they had been given no
home training at all. Next time we
will know better, and get them off a
circus where they have been taught a
few tricks and seen something Of the
world.
Talk about dumb animals, though,
and the pleasure you get out Of them,
let me say this don't apply to hus-
bands. After Geo. had fed a barrel of
beans to our pig, hoping this way to
raise our own pork and beans at one
stroke; refused to let the COW drink
water on account he had heard wa
tered milk was a dishonest farmer 8
trick, and postponed plowing the mea-
dows on account the first time he
tried it he plowed up his foot instead.
Evening star., 1925-07-19

eyes fastened with horrid maIignity
on poor Gallon, and with it's head
erect it emitted the most awful hiss
L have heard proceed from the mouth
of any living snake"
Here Yarner paused and took a
long, kissing drink of whisky and
soda, and then, as, the malignity died
out of his face, he went on very quiet.
ly. II should explain that Gallon was
not one of our original party. We
had come down to Colombo from Mon
golia, going by the Pekin Hankow and
the Nippin Yushen Keisha."
THAT, 1 suppose, as the best way?'
I said.
Yes. And, oddly enough, but for
the accident of Gallon joining US, we
should have gone by the Annoy,
Cochin. Singapore route, which was
our first plan. In fact, but for Gal
lon we should hardly have got
through China at all. The revolu-
ton had taken place only IL years
Evening star., 1925-07-19
THE WF1IR OF WINGS Continued

Continued from Second Page)
King, an exhausted little thorough
bred was spiraling down toward the
goal of its three-day flight,
x * ::
TT was a bad-acting field and the
starter had trouble in lining them
up. During the interval of suspense
the rain eased off to a slight patter
and sunlight poured through a rift
in the clouds. Advance Guard held
quietly to his post position. Rosedale
sufked on the outside. refusing to
come within 20 feet of the barrier
Peleka and Star of Doom broke
through repeatedly, almost unseating
their riders. Assistant starters. in
hipboots and armed with bull whips,
f1oundered in the mud in desperate
efforts to straighten out the Snarl of
excited boys and nervous horses.
Finally the imported colt Master John
came to the assistance of the ground
crew. The black invader, frantic
under restraint, backed the length of
the line, wheeled and kicked the sulk-
ing Rosedale in the ribs. The latter
came to life and stepped forward.
For the fraction of a second every
horse had his nose to the barrier
BAN! Up went the gate and the
field broke as one! They came past
the grandstand like a troop of cav
airy, Master John leading the way,
closely followed by Star of Doom and
Tippety True. The others We're well
punched and fighting for position.
At the first turn Star of Doom went
out in front, taking the pace away
from her rival. 1t was here that
the inexperience of Advance Guard g
rider told its story. Wee Willie made
the mistake of trying to lay off the
pace and rate his horse we'll behind
tho leaders.
In the excitement no one had
noticed a new contender in the field.
A lavenderplumed shadow. fieeter
than the wind, had already circIed
the track thrice, each time dropping
lower and lower. Now 1t was whir-
ring down the backstretch like tiny
airplanes travelling not 90 feet above
the ground and rapidly overhaullng
Evening star., 1925-07-19
Art of Un-T cling Story
in
he

we hadn't come up to the up-country
looking for big game. In fact, we
had been down in the down-country
with no idea of going higher than
Mombasa.
Indeed, our going even to Nom
basa itself was more or less an after
thought. Our first plan was to strike
across from Alden to Singapore. But
our second plan was to strike direct
from Colombo to Karachi-"
''And what was your third plan?"
I asked
Our third plan" said Yarner de-
liberately, feeling that the talk was
now getting really interesting, 'let
me see, our third plan was to cut
across from Socotra to Tananarivo."
"Oh, yes" I said.
However, all that was changed,
and changed under the strangest cir
cumstanceS. We were sitting, Gallon
and /, on the piazza of the Gale
Face Hotel in Colombo-you know the
Gale Face?"
Evening star., 1925-07-19

across the street without a trunk. AT
this point the laughter was not quite
so general.
DIR. Wallem then made the remark
that he was absolutely confident that
Gerald Chapman's ancestors were
zebras.
How do you reach that conclu-
sion?" 1 asked the doc.
WELL" he said, "he only seems to
be at home wearing stripes"
For few moments they was a COM
plete quietus In what 1 lovingly refer
to as our house. At this time two
or three of the guests were well on
their way to slumber land. They all
looked like they had not got their
allotted eight hours for several years.
DIR. Wallem himself seemed as IL he
was In another world. But we was
al disappointed. for pretty soon he
Evening star., 1925-07-19

before our visit. so you can imagine
the awful state of the country.
Our meeting with Gallon was thus
absolutely providential. Looking back
on it, I think it perhaps saved our
lives. We were in Mongolia this, you
understand, was before we reached
China), and had spent the night az
a small yak about four yersts from
kharbin, when all of a sudden, JUST
outside the miserable hut that we
were in, we heard a perfect fusillade
of shots followed Immediately after
wards by one of the most blood-cur-
ding and terrifying screams I have
ever imagined-''
"Oh, yes I said, land that was
how you met Gallon. Well, 1 must
be off,
AS l happened at that very moment
to be rescued by an incoming friend,
have still to learn why the lion
howled so when it met Yarner But
surely the lion had reason enough
Copyright. 1920
Evening star., 1925-07-19

woke up and made the remark that
he had been over in France, or the
other side as I call 1t, and seen hun
dreds Of men that was descended from
frogs. Most of them was amphitious
he said which mean that you can
throw right or left handed.
Now let me continue uninterrupt-
ed said the doctor.
II will pass over that remark" I
said. IF you will tell us anything
worth hearing"
Now" said the doctor, let us get
right down to cases. To prove my
point, / will tell you a whole lot of
individual cases. For inst. they's the
case of the dairyman who must be
descended from a cow, because vile
COW gives milk, this man has came
up so far that he sells 1t.
Go ON" said the only remaining
Evening star., 1925-07-19

before. has there?" inquiries the wife.
"A little" I tells her. but there is
going to be a lot more from now on.
In the last so years or so the Chinks
have been cutting off their pigtails
and going in for all kind of Western
improvements. including the idea that
Europe has been making a sucker
out of them. 1t won't be so long
either before China's going to have as
many rights as Japan"
What makes you think so?" Kate
wants to know.
What's America going to say, for
instance" l comes back, IF the Chi
nese government tells us they have
Evening star., 1925-07-19

mo, do not" I said very posi-
lively.
Very good. Well, was sitting on
the piazza watching a snake charmer
who was seated, with a boa, immedi-
ately in front of me. Poor Gallon
was actually within two feet of the
hideous reptile. All of a sudden the
beast whirled itself into a coil, its
Evening star., 1925-07-19

had an election over there and by
ma jority of 176,S97,345 voters has de-
cided that they don't want foreigners
to run their towns and that we should
take our doll rags and beat it?"
WED probably have war" sug-
gests the misses.
x x
IS a WAR" I exclaims. do you
think that the country that in
vented democracy and self-determina-
ton could go to war to force a coun-
try to override the will of a ma jority
of more than 175,000,000? Wouldn't
we look pretty doing that? It'd be
Evening star., 1925-07-19
BY SAM HELLMAN.

TT SEEMS" remarks the mis-
ses, that those Cinnamon can
never behave themselves. /
i see where they has killed some
mora xIrbifa foIks'
Evening star., 1925-07-19

A S Gen. Custer, the author of
~ that famous story, My Last
"A Stand" was frequently heard
4 a to say, There is many a good
salesman never hoists the
Evening star., 1925-07-19

Continued from Second Page.)
Evening star., 1925-07-19

Copyright, 1925.)