davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-11-29
Grange and the Famous Lardner Family
Are Selected for All-Amercan Foot Ball

the piano, six with both hands and
two pretty good. moreover the guards
one end and one tackle could get IID
| a bridge game and let Grange cut i'm
| which they say is one of his specIaT-
ties though the day I seen him, a
Philadelphia, he either went through
the middle or way outside. The team
would be well balanced with five
blondes, five brunettes and one doubt
full.
Now word or in regards t.
Grange himself. He is a native Of
Wheaton. H. and il seems that a few
yrs. ago the mayor OF the town was
leaning from his dormer window and
seen Red come q running out Of the
house with some fresh doughnurs
and his daddy after him and the daddy
catChed Red and relieved him Of the
doughnuts and the mayor says to him
self We'll if he can catch Red Grange
they won't nobody get away from
him so he appointed the old man
chief OF police,
Illinois Summers is generally al
ways unbearabIy hot and people who
can afford q trip goes up TO the lakes
in northern Michigan and Wisconsin
to cool off. Grange amt got that
much money SO he spends July and
August in an ice wagon. This must
VI Dteil lpIEDllen pN INe guys mat
creased Franklin Field. thinking Red
couldn't do nothing if it was slippery
One of my operatives once asked
Red if being an ice man had any
thing 10 do with his success as a
back.
No" replied Harold tugging at his
walrus mustache, "the ? sports is en-
tirely different. If YOU craried foot
ball with tongs. what would happen
to the bladder"
The writer has been asked over the
dio to compare Oranges styIe of
running with that of Heston and Ma
han. Well, it always seemed to me
like Heston and Mahan got there bv
straight-arming and lodging and
knocking would-be tackles for a ghoul.
Red won't have nothing TO do with
them. He treats them like strangers.
1t is customary to select more than
one team for AIl-American honors: but
dinner is nearly ready so suffice it TO
say that the second team plays VS..
the first team lots of times and when
| you play vs.. Grange YOU generally get
Inundated so we will leave the pick
| ing of the second team to our host
| of readers to who | suggest that they
pick people they amt got no use for,
however L have often thought that
they was one man who might stop
Red and that is Nolstead of Minnesota.
Look how easy he stopped drinking
Evening star., 1925-11-29

! fill the positions ahead of me If only
| the shoes were vacant. l only want
| to be sure of taking the right step.
Often and often / have thought l
should be in the banking business.
| Lookit the easy time a bank pres.
has. All he has got to do is try and
wear out the seat of a solid mahog-
any desk chair and keep on saying
mo- to struggling young business
men who are struggling to get a lit
tie money. All / need to go into
that game, is some one TO finance
me for coupla two pants suits, be
cause with all that setting l would
certainly use them up the first coupla
months.
Hot Bozo! I says. I would sure
like to see you earning me a closed
car. I am tired seeing you come
home nights without anything extra
on you except a few cinders off the
five fifteen. Go ahead dear. I says,
go into something big and I GER
tainly will stand behind you, if only
to catch the remains. Well, says
George. 1 have thought some about
the moving picture business. Some
times when I have set and watched
few Of them bathing comedies /
have felt where I was missing my
vocation and a whole lot beside. l
guess 1t is pretty easy to sit on the
| beach and tell them one-piece bath
ing suit models where they get off.
and there is money in it, too And
1 says no dear. l feel the moving
picture business is altogether too
risky. I favor the Dillpickle idea way
above It.
And dear, gays to him. movies or
not, when you take this step Of leav-
ing your job it had ought TO be with
the right direction. Just make up
Your mind what you really want TO
do, and I will make up my face and
show it to the world. count on me.
Well, after this, I and Geo. went
to bed in one of them high. exalted
moods when a person feels they can
lick the world. fate cannot harm me.
I have dined today. In other words,
we had a big decision decided and
| that was that.
We even had a hangover OF our big
resolve next morning, and when Geo.
| kissed me goodbye he says, now dear,
| are you sure you want me TO take
the chance and go in the Dillpickle
| business for myself, and you won't
regret 1t If l speak to the boss today
| and give him fair warning? And !
says, no dear, go to it, I'm not In
| favor of your rutting along In any
rut any longer. SO Geo. went on in
| a burst of enthusiasm and I went
back to my housework and many
dreams Of the future and how pretty
soon, instead of dusting off the fur
niture I would be busting off the.
| jewels 1 had pretty near forgotten
1 about.
RUT somehow. once the mail man
~ had arrove, the future didn't
seem so bright. To commence with
Evening star., 1925-11-29
Deep, Modern Philosophy Is Required
For Popular Debate on THANKSGIVING

ment like I told you. so where do you
get OFF,
Well" says I, "if there amt moth
ing else to give three cheers over we
can be thankful that we didn't have
| any wars this year"
"Oh, l don't know" returns "High
Dome" THE way gunmen and ma
chimes are killing 'em off In this coun-
| try you might as we'll have a war a
month. Anyhow. If you're going to
| be thankful about not having no wars
you can't be thankful about all the
dough we got in this country. seeing
| as it took war to bring it all here.
What else you got to be thankful for?''
Personally" says I, I'm thankful
that I'm eating regular and got roof
over my head. I'm alive
do you figure" cuts In F'innegan,
| that you're better off alive than
dead?"
'I don't know" says I. 'I've only
| tried one of EN-"
There you are" snaps High
Dome" THAT'S the big trouble with
you-you go off half-cocked. You're
the kind of guy that likes coffee better
| than tea on account of never having
drunk any tea In his life. How do
you know you wouldn't be more
| liltiilhl III iOI DeluS uedO II1dIl dlVet
You don't have to try everything, :"
| I argues, Ito find out whether you like
| something better
| You don't, eh?" sneers Finnegan
| mo, you DON'T" yelps "I never
ate an angleworm in my life, but ]
like the white meat Of chicken 8 whole
lot better
That's a question Of looks" comes
| back High Dome" mot of tastes. AS
a matter of fact, you might like snails
better than scrambled eggs If you
tasted snails, and heavens knows
there amt nothing to write home
about in the looks Of a snail
| What" 1 wants to know, "1s all of
this got to do with Thanksgiving?'
| Everything" answers Finnegan
eff you don't know what you like how
do you know what to be thankful for?
For all you know the only things you
really got to be thankful for are the
things you've never had"
How you going to get excited about
something you amt never had?" ]
barks.
II see,'' sighs High Dome,'' "you
don't go in for deep modern philoso
phies."
mo, I don't" I returns. II don't
even know anybody that knows any
body that can spell the word"
That" says Ffnnegan, us some
thing to be thankful for"
Copyright, 1926,
Evening star., 1925-11-29
By ED WYNN.

~ EAR Mr.. Wynn: I have been
in i'll health for some time.
The doctor told me to take
some iron. Do you think he
advised me correctly?
Yours truly,
DELLA WARE.
Answer: Your Doctors advice is
very good, if taken properly. l knew
a man once who was sick and his
doctor told him to take some iron.
He took q stove and was arrested.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Why is it that
'tramps" are so popular?
Sincerely,
r. r. TIES.
Answer: Because they never start
any labor disputes.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am a girl go
ing to high school and I met a boy
whom I like real well. He takes me
home every day. He seems to be
very nice, but his hands and his neck
always look unclean to me. l am Is
years of age and my hands are very
clean while he is II years of age and
his hands are so much dirtier. How
do you account for that?
Sincerely.
INA KOED.
Evening star., 1925-11-29
PERSONALLY" SAYS SIN THANKFUL THAT I'M EATING
ULAR AND COT ROOF OVER MY HEAD"

Big crops just mean that the farmer
don't get nothing for his work and
you don't see the price of bread going
down any, do you?"
"I guess you're right" says 7, but
YOU must admit that there's been
work for everybody this year and
that's something to be thankful for"
How do you get that way?" growls
High Dome" Work amt no pleas
ure, it's punishment. Didn't Adam
get punished by having to go to work
for pulling the triple play with the
apple in the Garden of Eden-Snake
to Eve to Adam? Ought a baby be
thankful for being punished? How
thankful We're you when you came
back from the woodshed in your kid
days and ate off the E1antelpiece?"
"The country's been pretty healthy
all year, hasn't it?" ! demands.
Suppose it has?" comes back
Finnegan. IF you're healthy you
have to work and works a punish
Evening star., 1925-11-29

on the briny deep and my mother was
the salt OF the earth. Yeh, l says, and
once you got picked; that makes you
qualify. okey. But would your heart
be in it? l wouldn't want you to make
that change unless your heart was in
your work.
Well, says Geo. my heart is GER
tainly in dillpickles. But then, quite
TO the other hand, I believe with a
little capital l might do we'll in the
garage business, Yeh, l says, do who?
l think myself you might get along
good with a garage If only you knew
something about cars. But on the
other hand, if you was to go into
that business somebody might mis-
understand your motivation. Can you
take down a motor? And he SAYS
don't be absurd dear, OF course / can
IL somebody gives me the number.
Well, l says, 1 got no doubt that
you could make good in the auto
business, even If a car was missing
in both senses after you was through
with it, but do you really want to go
into that? And Geo. says no dear.
not too far, what else have you got
to suggest? How about real estate,
] says. But that didn't appeal to
Geo. Suppose l couldn't land any
body in that game, says he. And
what is more, l don't know. and l
don't care anything about good deeds
or titles. No, / guess the Dillpickle
business is best. Or l might go into
politics, he says, 1 hear where there
is lot of money in politics, if you
only know how to get it out.
Well dear. l says, there are GER
tainly plenty of men with easy Jobs
in this world, and l don't know why
you shouldn't be one of them; Why
just lookit that Joe Bush, he hasn't
II your brains, and yet there he is,
sales manager of the Pinochle Deck
Co. which furnishes practically all
of the Pinochle Decks for the large
steamship companies Of the world
He sure has 1t easy. all he has to do
is wear the mahogany finish often
his desk with the heels Of his boots
Well. says Geo, If he can hold
down a executive Job like that, why
can't I? l certainly feel that l could
do the work of some of our most
prominent men as good as they can.
Lookit Dawes, now. Can he smoke
pipe any better then 1 can?
should say not, I been making a
great mistake, staying on a salary
basis all these yrs. the way 1 have
it's time I made a change. And
says. as soon as you make change
for fifty dollar bill without due
notice in advance dear, you will be
where a man of your talents had
oughter be.
X X X
WELL, having heard this, Geo. got
up out Of his chair and proved his
chest expansion to me. Then hav
ing lit a alleged cigar, he set down
again with the air of granting me q
interview. You are quite right my
dear, he says, l am certainly able to
Evening star., 1925-11-29
"THE DADDY CATCHED RED"

have appointed myself captain of
this eleven as a token of respect for
age. The madam is placed at the
other guard as 1t has been reported
that she feels hurt at not being men
toned when 1 am in the throws Of
giving the family a little publicity.
The Lardners at tackle and end are
the other two kiddies and while they
both play foot ball themselves they
promise that they would not attempt
to stand in Oranges way was he to
come through their side Of the line
d. Kitchell who I have placed at
the other end is a sisterin-law of
mine that married one of the Kitchell
Evening star., 1925-11-29

nuts I make to sell. l can't charge
any more than l do now for them;
if / do, L won't sell any. The rea-
son / lose money is: l use too much
dough to make them with. What can
l do so as to not use as much dough
as use now, to make the doughnuts?
Truly yours,
MAC AROONS
Answer: Make the holes in the
doughnuts larger and you won't use
as much dough.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I saw an adver.
tisement in a window the other dav.
which read: Winter underwear one
third Off" What is the world coming
to?
Sincerely,
A. PRUDE
Answer next week.
THE PERFECT FOOL.
tCopyright. 1920
Evening star., 1925-11-29
When the Clubs Oldest Member Begins
Tales of His Bigger and Better Past

sing song, and his eyes were vacant
rose before daylight, dressed by
lamplight, fed the hogs by lantern
light, fetched the cows by twi-
| light"
Again / thought il best 10 stap him.
But YOU did eventually get off the
farm, did you no." / asked
Yes, he answered, my opportu-
| nifty presently came to me as it came
| IN those days to any boy of industry
and Intelligence who knocked at the
door Of fortune till il opened. l shall
| never forget how my first chance in
| life came TO me.
"A man. an entire stranger, struck
no doubt with the fact that ! looked
industrious and willing. offered me il
| dollar to drive a load of tan bark 10
| the nearest market"
Where was that" l asked
st. Paul, 700 miles But / did il.
| shall never forget my feelings when
L found myself in St Paul with 81 in
my pocket and with the world all
| before me
What did you do?" I said.
First" said Mr. Apricot, 81 laiJ
| out 10 cents for Il suit Of clothes
| things were cheap in those days.
for so cents l bought an overcoat. for
25 l got hat, for 10 cents pair Of
/
took a room for month. paid a
months board, arranged to have M
| washing done and"
But surely. Nr. Apricot
| began.
| But al this point tho Young man
/ who IS Generaliy in attendance on Old
! Mr.. Apricot. when lie comes 10 tHe
/ club, appeared on the scene.
! II am afraid he said To me aside
/ as Mr.. Apricot WAS gathering UP his
! newspapers and his belongings, that
my uncle has been rather boring you
/ with his "reminiscences"
Not at all l said, hes been tell
/ ing me all about his early life in his
| fathers cabin on the Wabash"
| Il was afraid So said the young
man. Too bad, You see, he wasn't
| really there at all
Not there I said
| NO He was brought ND in New
! York, and has never been west Of
/ Philadelphia. In fact. he has been
| very we'll to do all his life But he
! found that it counted against him il
/ hurt him in politics. So he got into
/ the way Of talking about the Middle
West and early days there. and some
| times he forgets that he wasn't there %
| Il see" / said
| Meantime Mr.. Apricot was ready.
| Goodbye. goodbye" he said very
cheerily. "A delightful chat. We
| must have another talk over old times
! soon. ] must tell YOU about my first
/ trip over the Plains at the time when
/ was surveying the line Of the Union
Pacific. You who travel nowadays I'm
your Pullman coaches and obserrs-
| tion cars have TO idea-''
Come along, uncle" said the young
man.
Copyright 1872
Evening star., 1925-11-29

1.-THE same being?" eyebrows Finne-
gan.
Well" says I. there's lots of
dough in the country and"
That's nothing to be thankful
about" interrupts High Dome" "If
there was less there'd be fewer per-
sons buying poisoned hooch, there'd
be fewer folks going wrong with auto
mobiles, there'd be fewer homes shot
to pieces by luxury and there'd be
fewer folks over in Europe eating
shoelaces for shoestring potatoes.
Have we got any business being
thankful over the other guy being
broke?"
Maybe not" I agrees, "but we got
some grand crops this year, haven't
we?"
What's so swell about that?" grum-
bles Finnegan. Lots of wheat and
cotton just gives those guys in Wall
Street more of a chance to gamble
and bust a flock of comerops and don't
help the farmers and the public any
Evening star., 1925-11-29

boys. She is a nice gal to have along
on a party like this on acct. of the
comical remarks she makes some
times sending the crowd into an up
roar and keeping them there. Be
side her at tackle / have put Alice
Kitchell Merrill as they both live in
Evanston, ILL.,, and are sister-in- laws
to one another and get along pretty
good and during the lulls in the game
they could set down somewhere and
disgust Evanston social life
1t is hardly necessary to point out
that four or five of these players
would find foot ball something of a
novelty. but seven of them can plaY
Evening star., 1925-11-29
FIRST TEAM

FIRST TEAM.
Player. College. Position
d. kitchell, Capen School End
A. Merrill, Chicago Tackle
r. Lardner CaptD Niles High Guard
]. Lardner, Green Vale Center
f. Lardner, Smith Guard
B. Lardner Great Neck Tackle
j. p. Lardner, Great Neck End
Grange, Illinois Quarter
d. Lardner, Great Neck Halfback
=. Zinsser, Great Neck IIalfback
b. Kitchen, Great Neck Fullback
For the first time In the experience
Of myself It is a pleasure this year
to pick an All-American team. As
soon as you have chose Grange and
center to pass him the ball you don't
need or want no more foot ball play
ers and can take advantage of the
opportunity to fill out the other posi-
tions with relatives and congenial
friends
j. Lardner, who I have selected for
center, plays that position with the
Green Vale team at Glen Head, Longs
Island, and can pass the ball pretty
good which IS all that is necessary.
He has got n good head and would
ball to any of the backs except
Grange. I noticed in the Illinois
Pennsylvania game that the Orange
and Blue center slipped up on several
occasions and passed to Britton, Green
and Daugherty and wasted a good
deal of time as these men would
stop after they had went 4 or or 90
yds. whereas Grange considered that
he had been throwed for a loss If he
went lest than one-half the length of
the field
j. Lardner knows the other backs
on my team too well to pass to them.
One Of them is his brother David, 6
yrs. OF age, while Miss Zinsser and
Miss Kitchen is also about that old
and have been selected because they
are in David'S class at Great Neck
preparatory School and would keep
him from getting bored during the
times Grange was away somewheres
with the ball. However, to make in
surance doubly sure as they say,
would insist on the team being learn
ed only one signal. namely II which
means Grange.
Evening star., 1925-11-29
BY RING LARDNER.

To the editor: In response to de
mands from practically all over our
yard I will take this occasion to make
public my All-American foot ball
selections for 1925:
Evening star., 1925-11-29
Oh, Yes.

Whats a 1O-letter word meaning
'hold-up'?"
I'll bite. What is it?"
-Suspenders."
Evening star., 1925-11-29

ri SEE where the President has
sprung the news a out
Thanksgiving falling on the
i last Thursday in November
Evening star., 1925-11-29
Old Time Weather Marks Going Into Business and Gridir(
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

~ ATHER n cold day, isn't
it?" ! said as l entered
the club.
The man addressed pop
Evening star., 1925-11-29

WELL, having heard this, Geo got
W up out Of his chair and proved his
chest expansion to me. Then hav-
ing lit a alleged cigar, he set down
again with the air of granting me q
interview. You are quite right my
dear, he says, l am certainly able to
Evening star., 1925-11-29

tCopyright. 1925.D
Evening star., 1925-11-29
'Shall Mind Somebody Elses Business
OrTry Going Into Business for MYSELF"
BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM.

A S Count Seven, the foreign
~ gent who invented the idea
a OF marrying American girls
Il Il for their money, wrote in his
,,nnnnnir,s .Irrha rpa son WHY
Evening star., 1925-11-29

Answer; The next time you see
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04
THEY SELECT WELL

' That is what managers and heads of departments say of the Classified Ads, regarding the choice of salesmen. All will tell you they find the Classified Ads are the most successful in this line of work.
 So true is this that most of these employers have come to rely, almost wholly upon the Classified Ads of the newspaper in getting their help.
 Salespeople know this too and that is the reason you many Classified Ads for positions of this sort in the Classified Columns.
 Office boys, too and other workers-the likely kind who take real interest in your busness--are eagerly looking for that vacant place in your office store factory If you do not find their appeals for work in the Classified Columns run Classified Ad of your own and they will speedily come to you.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

tbmOb hgandca
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

dyeing is our exclusive business. Garments of all descriptions, drapertes portieres and curtains clean ed or dyed. Satisfaction guaranteed. New Britain Dry Cleaning Corp, ss West Maiu St. Phone isss-a.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04
REAL ESTATE FOR SALE
Agents--Real Estate

F. L. HAYDEN, BRISTOL-Real Estate & Genetal Insurance. Mortgage Loans. 1sS Main St., Bristol, Phone l141. office open evenings. : 10 sac. REAL ESTATE-and insurance of all kinds. Commercial Real Estate Ex- change S0S Main St. Phone 2S91. HEAL ESTATE-& Insurance, Mortgages, Loans Geo. F. Skinner, 1i3 Broad St.. PlaInviiIe. Phone 1l6-4. REAL EsTATE--of all kinds for sale. Insurance of every description. Inquire H. J. l7oiren. . Elm St, Phone i79O. STANLEY M. SMITH CO.,, INC.-General real estate and insurance. mortgage loans, Ncri Block. Phone 4I-4. Plain vile.
 Building Lots For Sale si BUILDING LOTS-on Everett St., Russ win Road. Sumerset Drive corner lot on Treasure Ave, Berlin. Call H. D. Humphrey, National Bank building. Tel HI,
 THE HERALD CLASSIFIED ADS
 BRING RESULTS
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04
Help-Mcn Wanted

AN UNUSUAL-opportuni for the right man to help put over a preferred stock issue In prosperous direct sales company, Box S3S, Bangor Me.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04
Radio
S6E3

A. II. EDGERLY JR.-henslngton radio repairs, vacuum tubes. reactivated. Putt new life in tubes. Tel. 697-S for partcu- laFs
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

FOR SAFETY FrRsT-usa Vacuum Cup tires. T. H. GoEswell, Chestnut St.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

LADIES AND GENTs-sults. dry cleaned and pressed for one dollar. Garments of all description cleaned or dyed at rea- sorabls rates. A hour service. Star Cleaning Co.,, Cleaners & Dyers, Office &e Works 221-2s5 North St.: Branch. 2sS Main. Tel. sS07-i2. Tel. esSi,
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

HARTFoRD BATTERfEs-Ford. ;si; Buick, s25: Dodge ss2. Guaranteed IS months, discount on your old batteries. Morrelrs Battery and Radio O., 10 Elm St. Phone ss5.s.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04
Watches, Diamonds, Jcwelry 87

while you walt md in your own presence St I. Resnick'S $40 Main St. orlp. Commercial St.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

DRAFTsMAN-young man to do detailing, tracing, blue printing, filing, etc. Must be good at figures. Excellent oppor- tunlty for right man. Bring samples of work. Standard Steel & Bearing In- corporation. Plainville, Conn.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04
p s-s5s ss-s7r7-s--tsaslsas@-s .sH sss-
 Houses For Sale

BELVIDERE--bfan new , family house, In nice section, well restricted. TOO feet from Normal school. Ten rooms, iarBs attic. lars lot and car garage. Com- pletely modern, hot water heat, osk floors throughout. hard finish, hot ws- ter heaters. latest plumbing equipment. This is a beautiful property and will lapIdly Increase in value. Price is right. Terms Box 15-WH. Herald office.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

BIC PROFITS-wIli sell one or whois block. My Miami, Florida, desirable building lots at bargain. easy terms. Trust company guarantee of principal
 II. Wright, 9s ocean Ave-. Milford. Conn.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

Ii3 BRIGHTON sT.-New room bungalow, hardwood and white enamel finish. oak floor. steam heat, white plumbing. Reasonable cash or will accept building lot as part payment. L.
 l.. Dhmlng. phnna 6an.
New Britain herald., 1925-04-04

WEST HARTFORD-79 acre opportunity for development. z room house, good barns, 10 cows horses. all good tools, conveniences. $12,50O. with good terms Cashman Farm Agency, 15l Main st.. New Britain.