The Monmouth inquirer., 1925-08-20
Yicarious Martyr
sHastaaaarsstsssss natssssststss


Probably there is no living human
being who has naureu tolAuents like
mine, for even since my earnest child
hood / have been a sufferer from indi-
gestion. Not that / have ever had In
digestion myself! Far from it.! My or
gans are naturally sound; my tastes
are temperate and simplei my food
nOurishes me and asslmilates with
proper speed and dignity. 1t Is other
peoples food that causes me excru-
ciatIng pain.
The trouble began with violent sick
headaches when l had seen, perhaps,
Tour summers. There would be a de-
llclous pudding for ulnner, Win butter
and sugar sauce. anu | ate rice and
lulIk, because mother knew rich des-
serts were injurious TO little folk. But
mother ate the pudding! And father
ate the pudding! And Aunt Susie said
she couldn't stand mtcn OF that sort
OF thing, but would Try 1t. anyway,
as long as mother insisted on having
iG on the table.
Then father would remark that n
might as well die for u sheep as for q
Lamp, and he would have u Little-jpst
a MItIe-m0re. The COO and my nurse
had their share OF the pudding, and ]
was the only creature In the house
who was denied the taste. Thens OF
course. / had no dyspepsia; felt well
and full of energy. But did that DO
me any good? No!
/ Couldn't go anywhere because
mother had q terrible sick headache;
father didn't feel ike moving. and
growIed that business cares were w0r-
rying him. though they hadn't worried
previous to the pudding. Aunt Susie
was dissolying tablets in hot water
three times i'll each len minutes the
cook and nurse Quarreied with each
other and warned me Il keep out Of
their way. / used to spend whole af-
ternoons Of misery on account OF the
pudding l didn't eat! And il it wasn't
pudding it was apt to be pie or welsh
rabbit or lobster that caused my an,
guish.
AFTER / grew old enough to go to
scnooi my teachers had Indigestion
and it made my life unhappy. II the
coffee had disagreed with n Of them
for breakfast she a sure to be very
harsh with any little innocent prank
/ might play. / was kept in through
long, sunshiny hours, Ostensibly be-
cause / couldn't learn the m~ultiplica-
ton tables, but really on account of
the teachers acute heartburn. ] was
not old enough to be allowed coffee
for my own breakfast, and yet ! sui.
fered injustice worse than the Dangs
that coffee causes.
When l outgrew the home regime
| got married and started life on q
different basis. / Am very cautious
about what ! eat, knowing how indi-
gestion can ruin happiness, and ]
carefully eschew all but the most
wholesome food. But pretty soon my
wife developed indigestion and in that
dark hour / lost hope.
love my wife. / am supersympa-
thetic and every throb OF pain she
feels ~reverberates through my system.
/ offer the incense Of mint and soda at
her shrine. / spend my spare money
on new patent preparations instead OF
on opera tickets as / once fondly hop
ed to do. / sit up nights and listen
shuddering to her moans
/ swear to myself that never. never
will l touch food that can bring such
dire results, and / don't touch it! But
my wife does. When a spell is owe
and her system in good shape she tries
Just a little Of that French pudding
and then, with the nobly ~Dhilosophic
idea that 1t Is better to BIZ killed fir
a sheep than for a lamb. she eats a lit
tie more. Ad infinitum.
Indigestion. whether you have It or
not. is the bane Of ones existence.
And it is worse when you don't have It
than when you do.