davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Advance Dope on Great Flight to Pole
Shows Courageous Spirit of Prof. Hare

dressed his secretary, "show the re-
porter the list of what we are taking"
Here it is" said Miss Gruber dryly,
and handed me sheet of paper.
i glanced over the list. 1t was as
follows:
l breast of guina hen.
! round steak.
! consomme, hot or cold.
! can sardines.
. cans caviar.
boxes animal crackers.
u dozen doughnuts.
! thermos bottle cold water.
! thermos bottle hot water.
| thermos bottle iced tea.
Well l remarked, lit looks like
you wouldn't starve or die of thirst" !"
No" said Prof. Hare, land we
won't freeze to death or roast to death
neither. Miss Gruber is taking a
hot water bottle and Two hot bricks
and I am carrying an ice pick. To
say nothing of this and he put his
hand in his hip pocket with wink
and drew out a Z pit. bottle of 1925
Scotch still more than a Il full
Lucky dog was my comment.
Not luck at all said Prof. Hare.
Just good judgment and prepared
ness. AS for hand baggage, we will
have one little travelling bag apiece.
The rest of the stuff we will wear at
the pole like evening clothes and etc,
we are sending it on ahead in our
trunks"
Evening star., 1925-09-13

years people have asked: Where
was Moses when the light went out?'
No one has been able to answer
that question. 1t is because ] and
/ alone know where he was. Some
day I'll tell you.
Here is another question: But
ton, button, who's got the button?"
l know who's got 1t. Not only know
who's got 1t. but I also know the
kind of a button 1t is and when,
where and why II was lost. | know
everything. I am here to tell you
what you want to know.
Do you know If 1t is proper to
use quill or just plain wooden
toothpick?
Do you know, when out for stroll.
if 1t is proper to walk on the inside
or on the outside of a lady?
Do you want to know anything
about "Bridge?" (Brooklyn or Auc-
tion)
Do you want to know when the
Dead Sea died?
Do you know that female moth"
is called a myth?
Do you know where your lap goes
when you stand up?
Do you know the name of the gen.
eral who is buried in Grants Tomb?
If you don't know, ask me.
Just to show how badly this coun-
try needs me to put il on the right
Evening star., 1925-09-13

me put on these darn fool trick clothes,
L dunno what In the name of fried
ham you ever accepted this fool in
vitation for in the first place. any
ways! And other husbandly conver-
sation along the same lines.
But after a while we actually did
get to Poochem Place where the Free
nashes live, and turn in between the
Art-gate-posts, and as we come up to
the Freenash's house we seen where
il was dark, all but for one light way
in the back of it.
Well there, says Geo. 1 told you
so. l bet they're through, and sitting
on the porch. And / says well don't
blame me, if you was to attend to
your own clothes, this wouldn't of
happened And about then we parked
at the Freenash's curb. and they
wasn't sitting on the porch. Nobody
was except the evening paper.
That's funny, says Geo. this is the
right house, amt It? And l says /
guess it is, why it must be, it says
The Naples" on that sign, don't it,.
I'm sure Mrs. Freenash says ii was
called 1.-The Naples" So Geo. says,
yeh, it's the Naples all right, and
then he rung the bell.
After a little he done so again,
and after another while we could hear
footsteps and a dim light come on in
the hall. Then there was a sound like
somebody breaking iail-chains &
locks and what not, and pretty soon
the door opened crack, and the hired
girl put out head In curl-papers.
Is Mrs. and Mr.. Freenash home?
says and the girl says no. And Geo.
says that's funny, wasn't they eX-
pecting us for dinner? And the girl
says no. they ordered fish, but they
have ate it and gone to Spodunk for
over the week end And then she
says are you Mr.. Jules. And Geo.
admitted it. Well, says curlpapers,
they are expecting you to dinner,
but it's day after tomorrow night.
Well, 1t was a relief to have her
shut the door and for we to get back
into the car again, even though 1
naturally braced myself for the
storm OF wrath I figured Geo. would
open on me. But not at all. Quite
to the contrary he give a chuckle.
That's one on us, Jennie, he says,
come on let's get a sandwich some
place. And then thank Heaven l can
get out of this plush harness and go
over and join the boys. l told you
I'd be the only one in a. dress suit
over here tonight, and by heck, I
am.
And for once 1 left him have the
last word.
Copyright. 1920
Evening star., 1925-09-13

yet. don't you realize we're conner
be late. And etc.
But | was about ready by the time
he put in his last call, on account all
l hadder do was let in Annie Gooch.
tell her to be sure and answer the
phone and take down any messages,
and keep Jr. from getting uncovered,
and let the cat out, and shake down
the kitchen fire around 10 O'Clock.
And then | was all set, and so
would Geo. of been only we couldn't
find the key to the flivver and spent
considerable time and temper looking
all around the house for it, while Geo.
kept saying that's funny, L can't
imagine where it is, meaning it
wasn't funny, it was maddening. Then
at last we found it That is to say
Geo. remembered he had left 1t in
the car. SO we started out and be-
fore very long we come TO Pete the
tailor's shop, and luckily he was still
open.
Well anyways, l set down on a nice
hard kitchen chair, and Geo. went
into a little telephone booth sort of
affair and took off his suit and give
ii to the tailor, and the tailor took the
suit and took also his own sweet time.
He pressed and steamed and steamed
dlld plCSoCd, anu SNSi AA1eiN '''''>
Geo. would put his melting collar out
the cubby hole and say hey feller,
can't you make it a little snappy?
And the tailor would say yeh. and
go right on breaking all the speed
laws known TO turtles. But after
while the suit was done to a turn.
Then all we hadder do was leave 1t
cool off, and then Geo. put 1t on and
commenced feeling through his pock-
cts. a. icy look of alarm coming over
his face more and more as he don so.
Well we'll. he says with a forced
laugh, I seem to of left all my money
in my other clothes, Will 1t be all
right if 1 pay you tomorrow And
the tailor says no it won't be, dunno
YOU. see? You pay me now or you
don't go out this shop. And L says
what nonsense.
And the tailor says nonsense Is JUST
what l don't want, you pay or III
call the cops. So l says very weil,
YOU stay here Geo. dear with this
vulgar person while / go back and
get some coin. So Geo. stayed and
| went back and kissed Junior again
and told Annie Gooch she'd better
empty the pan under the ice box, and
then 1 found Geo.'s pocketbook and
went back and bailed Geo. out.
we got to step on her, ] am hair
starved, it's all your fault, making
WE'LL by this time the both or
US was pretty hungry and Geo. says
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Banana Myth"
IN a scathing denunciation of W

IN a scathing denunciation of what
he termed the great American
banana myth" DIR. W. E. Stafford,
economic botanist of the Department
of Agriculture, has attacked evidence
recently brought forward in support
of the theory that bananas originated
on this hemisphere and were cultivat.
ed by prehistoric Indians.
Commenting on the discovery of fos-
sill banana seed in coal beds of Colom-
bia and connection of this discovery
with statements made by early writer's
as to the Indians use of the fruit, he
declared positively that the home of
the banana was in the Malay Archi-
peiago, that it was unknown in Ameri-
ca when Columbus reached here, and
that the same writers who reported it
as native to the New World demon
strated similar ignorance in regard to
the potato and other plants
Columbus and his followers listed
the plants they encountered, but made
no mention of the banana. Bananas
were introduced into the West Indies
from the Canary Islands by Padre
Tomas de Berlangas in 1916. They
were also carried to Pacific islands by
immigrants; but their native home was
in the Malay Archipelago.
The persistence of the myth of the
American origin, according to DR.. SAT-
ford, was due to the great Humboldt,
who evidently was not himself a bot
anist, and accepted the statements of
Garcillaso de Ia Vega, descendant of
the Incas, who stated that bananas
were a staple food Of South American
Indians in pre-Columbian times. This
man, DIR. Stafford said, was ignorant
OF the agriculture he pretended to
describe. Most of his information was
secondhand and his exaggerated and
unreliable statements lack confirma.
ton. Humboldt also accepted state
ments that the Irish potato was found
in Virginia by early colonists when 1t
has been definitely established that 1t
was a native Of Peru and was un.
known in North America before the
coming OF the white man.
Evening star., 1925-09-13

York on a special train and go as
far as it will take us. After that l
suppose we will taxi"
How about your preparations?" /
asked. Are they better than Amund-
sen's?"
SAY" exclaimed Prof. Hare. "Our
preparations will make his ones look
like he was just going out on the
porch. To begin with in place of de-
pending on the Blue Book and the
Lincoln Highway signs to help find
the way, am taking not only COM
pass but also a weather vane. They
say that a compass will break all to
pieces the minute you reach the pole
and that is how you know you are
there, but I have seen compasses
break by just falling on the floor,
whereas If you take weather vane
with a N. s., w. and E. on it, why
all as you have to do is follow which
way the N points till it points straight
down, which means as far as we CO."
Are you well supplied with food
and drink?' was my next query.
Miss Gruber. the professor ad-
Evening star., 1925-09-13

"But as l say" continued Prof.
Hare, the only way to learn is by
experience. he first time / at
tempted the trip was on a bicycle
and l had only got as far as Yonkers
when I discovered that the tool box
had fallen off and there was nothing
to do but turn around and come back.
On the second expedition we had just
passed through Poughkeepsie when it
begun to rain The professor smiled
reminiscently. This time you can
bet your life I will take an UNI
brella," he finished boyishly.
What is your vehicle going to be?"
inquired.
"I haven't decided" was the pro-
fessors reply. 1T lays between a
toy balloon and a scull. There is a
sculler friend of mine in Brooklyn
who promised to lend me his skull"
You would better borrow a skull
with some brains in it, said Miss
Gruber dryly.
Joking to both sides" Prof. Hare
went on. We are going To leave New
Evening star., 1925-09-13

stairs and he says hey Jennie, where
do you suppose that darn young one
Is. he must think we got all night,
And | says he'll be back any minute
and George says any minute won't
do, this minute is the correct one.
But finally Junior did come back,
and 1 picked out the shirt and sent
it upstairs. and in a few minutes Geo.
come TO the head Of same. Hey Jen-
ME he says, where and the heck is
my other good collar, he says, l can't
find it no place. So / went on up,
and there was the collar, right in the
collar-box where he hadn't looked.
So / put in Geo.'s links, played bird
dog to his back collar button, and
helped him TO tie up his noodle of a
necktie SOS 1t looked like a butterfly
instead of a dead eel, while explaining
to him that if he wore them high
hat clothes a little more often he
would learn to be comfortable in them.
And Geo. says yeh, he expected
prisoners got used to a ball G. chain
on the leg. after a while. And then
l found his silk socks, and got him
the vaseline for his patent leather
shoes, and we come down to the outer
outfit, and good land ogoshen, 1t
looked like it had been slept in.
Well, says Geo. that's a nice way
you look over my clothes, nerea 4
come to go out and my suit amt
even pressed! And I says don't blame
me, dear. blame the Rotary Club. you
know you wore it there last, and what
with all the speeches made at their
annual banquet, maybe you did sleep
in 1t.
Besides, says, ever since 1 pressed
it the last time with them lovely
creases on the side of the leg right
by the silk braid, you didn't seem to
my pressing, don't you re-
where you told me never to
touch that suit again, you would at
tend to it your own self in future?
And George says future is correct.
I can't dress this evening after all,
the Freenashes will haf to take me as
I am. And 1 says nothing doing.
climb into the soup and fish this very
and we will stop into one of
the "Press Pants While You Wait"
places on our way to the party. now
do as I tell you and hurry.
4 " X
WELL. 1 seen them clothes safely
w onto Geo. and then I made him
go sit down in the par-lor while / got
dressed. / hadda hurry like anything,
so it didn't take me over forty min
utes, and about every five seconds
Geo. would come to the foot of the
stairs and holler for the luvva tripe
what's keeping you, amt you ready
Evening star., 1925-09-13

track, here is a sample letter of
things people want to know:
Mr.. Wynn,
THE Perfect Fool,
Dear Sir: Since the World War
there has been a lot of talk about
the Peace Treaty Would you, who
knows all, tell me what was meant
by the Peace Treaty.
Yours truly,
LAD. DITTION."
Answer = The Peace Treaty"
means that France was treated" to
a piece" of Germany; Russia was
treated" to a piece" of Turkey;
Italy was treated" TO piece" of
Austria; and that the United States
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Celluloid Hippopotamus.

A CELLULOID hippopotamus is
4 the latest thing in museum art,
according to Popular Science Monthly.
Heretofore the hippo has defled the
skill Of taxidermists because 1t could
not be reproduced with convincing
realism. But now L. L. Walters of
the Field Museum of Natural History
at Chicago has discovered a method
of using celluloid to produce trans
lucent color effects that are said to
have almost the semblance of living
flesh and blood. Using this method
he is constructing a emarkably life
like reproduction of hippo. in which
the real hairs are imbedded In the
celluloid.
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Ed Wynn, the Perfect Fool, Will Answer
All Kinds Of Troublesome QuestiC
BY ED WYNN.
"The Perfect FeOI.

"HE other day at meeting In
in Town Hall. held by the
Radio Announcers' Associa
ton for the Prevention of
Adenoids" a discussion arose
regarding education. One man said:
MY son is so ignorant he thought
an aspirin tablet was a book to
write in" Another man said: MY
brother is so dumb he thought
Lansing, Michigan was an opera
ton
At this period of the meeting the
secretary of the association arose Git
seems the secretary had both his
tonsils removed when he was "a
years of age; in fact, it was that
very thing that made him the secre-
tary)-anyway, as I said before, the
secretary arose and in a loud voice
made the following motion
Whereas we The Radio An
nouncers' Association for the Pre-
vention of Adenoids' are here as
sembled, and, therefore, whereas 1t
is up to us to learn our own names
so we can broadcast them instead of
just our initials, and besides, where
as kilograms and letters have been
sent to the American Telegraph and
Telephone Co, said letters being
complaints against us announcers.
some OF the complaints going so Tar
as to say that they (the listeners
in) do not know whether or not we
(the announcers) are annoyed or
adenoid. therefore, be IT resolved
that: What this country needs is
knowledge"
The president of the association
then arose and said Gentlemen. you
have heard the motion. All those in
favor say t. all those not in favor
say No" OF course, all radio an
nouncers are very conceited, so they
all yelled "I' and the motion carried
A press association being pres
ent at the meeting, hearing this, be-
came alarmed about the future of
the country, and searched for some
one man who could act as the Ma
tons Adviser" They picked me.
Why? I'll tell you. I know all,
see all. There is no problem I can't
solve nor apV CuestiOp can't answer
Evening star., 1925-09-13
A Red Pepper Use.

D ED PEPPER that makes you
sneeze has found respectable
and worthy use in the world, says
Popular Science Monthly. 1t can save
human life. Capt. Frank B. Gorin,
secretary of the Chemical Warfare
Association, recently disclosed this
discovery.
A volatile oil is derived from the
red pepper This can be mixed with
the Illuminating gas that flows
through your gas mains. Then If
the flame should blow out, and gas
escape into a room. any one breathing
it is seized with such violent cough
ing and burning of the eyes that he
has to run from the gas-laden at
mophere. Thus accidental asphyxi
alton is prevented
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Pole was the night shook hands

Pole was the night 7 shook hands
with Stanislaus Zbyszko."
I laughed and Miss Gruber, the pro-
fessor's secretary. coughed dryly.
"As I see it, continued Prof. Hare,
"Amundsen and his companions went
at It wrong. You can't expect sue
cess in trip like that unless your
preparations Is perfect In the first
place, what was their idear in start
ing from Spitzbergen? Old New
York and the old u. S. A. is good
enough for me and l would tell all
foreigners that don't like US to go
back where they came from. In the
second place. why did they elect to
travel by airplane. knowing that 1t
is next To impossible to take off from
the icel
Evening star., 1925-09-13

of tennis, at which he beat us easily
three love sets. He Is a keen golfer
and enjoys walking; never does less
than his 25 miles a day. In the prep
aration of his books his energy is
enormous. He told us that in the
making of his latest novel, Dora Lap
wing he found it necessary to read
through the entire Encyclopaedia Bri-
tannica. In leaving him we realized
that in our day the life of a novelist
is a singularly arduous one"
Worse than all. and more surpris-
ing than all, this work craze seems
Evening star., 1925-09-13

gets its war debts refunded piece
meal.
Just received this letter:
Dear Mr.. Wynn: Ny father. CIV
ing me some advice, said the big
fish eat the little fish, When I
asked him what the little fish ate, he
said 'sardines.' If this is true, will
you please tell me how the little fish
get the cans open?
Sincerely,
ID. VISION"
Answer next week
ED. WYNN,
The Perfect Fool.
tCopyright. 1e25D
Evening star., 1925-09-13

to have spread to most unlikely
places.
One would surely think that the
South Sea Islands stood for a scene
Of languorous rest, where nothing
stirred save the faint breezes among
the fronds of the palm trees, while
the pearling waves broke in soft muir
murs on the golden sand. At least
that is the idea l always had of the
place. Yet listen to this, taken from
one of the very latest Of the new
South Sea Island books, called six
Days in Pingo'':
Evening star., 1925-09-13

l and I alone know everything. If
you can't find it in the encyclopedia
or the dictionary. ask me. I'll tell
you what you want TO know.
For years i have kept my knowl-
edge to myself. but realizing what IT
means to the Nation at large. I have
consented TO impart all l know to
any one seeking my advice or knowl-
edge. Ask me anything.
For instance: For nearly 1000
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Near Enough.

The wife of Southern archdeacon
sent his vestment to be washed. The
next morning she answered the tele-
phone.
Miss Mary. do the archangel want
his shroud starched?"
Evening star., 1925-09-13
BY RING LARDNER.

"O the editor: The failure OF
the recent Amundsen dash to
the pole, instead of putting a
quietus on similar attempts
by other explorers, seems to
of give the ski jumpers rivals
new least of life and all ready sew
elal new proposed expeditions of the
same sort is being disgust in arctic
circles. Last wlI. the writer had the
pleasure of a long talk with Prof.
Hare, the noted Belgium adventure.
He was named after his old mans lip.
Prof. Hare has as yet failed to reach
the polar regions but says he will
keep on trying till his money is all
gone. This is the spirit that made
Ed Bradley.
Prof. Hare Is not without a sense
of humor and when asked if he had
ever threatened the achievements of
Amundsen, Admiral Peary and Doc
Cook, replied with a twinkle:
No. The closest / ever came to
Evening star., 1925-09-13
Has Any One Tried?

High school-Have you read TO "a
Field Mouse"2
Grade school-No; how DO you get
'em TO listen?
Evening star., 1925-09-13

A s Ponce de Leon, the original
~ Florida real estate man, once
~ wrote home to the Queen of
u Spain. Clothes really do make
the man. eSpecially evening
Evening star., 1925-09-13
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

HIS is the time of year when
everybody is getting back to
work. The schools are open
i ing again and the children are
heginning to study. The huSi-
Evening star., 1925-09-13

. HE other day at a meeting In
i in Town Hall held by the
Radio Announcers' Associa-
i tion for the Prevention of
Richmond planet. [volume] (Richmond, Va.) 1883-1938, 1925-04-25

the other as it might be In Africa. respective
ly, we began to prepare to climb the ladder
of thrills The excursionists on board the
rain were typical Of Metropolitan life. Jew
and Gentle graciousy smiled at each other.
There were no prohibitions against the trans
itory mixing of races, and Nordics and Africs
frequently exchanged cigarettes or ate bon
bon from the same cand y box.
AS the commotion on the platform in
creased under the steady tread Of excursion
lists fact, we noticed that either from choice
or from necessity, some members of the gent
Ter sex were seating themselves in the smoker.
Here and there some charming girls. whites,
yellows, browns dark brunettes, and other
varie les of coorful and coiorless tints found
seats and merrily awaited the conductor S
All Aboard
When to our pleasurable surprise and
aesthetic satisfaction, as pretty brown as
we have ever beheld lightly tripped up the
car aisle and seated herself in front Of us.
She was faultlessy dressed from head to foot;
and under her rain bow turban there reposed
features which would rival those Of the
worlds prettest Nordic. Roman nose. big
brown eyes, and baby skin added to the
lustre of her beauty
Hastily we choked out the business end Of
great big cigar, ahe smoke Of which was
dliiting right over the seat occupied by the
r>rettv bro~n miss. Here, we thought, as in
'he GAYS Of Moses, Is a girl who's brown
but comely-a creature akin to- those de-
scnbed by John Ruskin,-an Annette Kel-
lerman and Isadora Duncan, with a brown
skin ex erior. Surely. we thought to our
selves as the big cigar snufled moment and
then went out, we must offer to escort her
into the ladies coach ahead, where neither
the smoke of Havana tobacco nor the aroma
Of Virginia cigarettes will filter through her
locks or inAame her nosisils.
But, as We arose ito perform the peasant
act Of chivalry, did our eyes deceive us2 No,
no; for we reached the aisle just in time 70
see the dainty gloved hand Of our brownskin
Ru;kin girl, reach under the Car seat, deity
strike match,-and light Piedmont el-
earette, which was soon working full-time
underneath the rainbow turban. Ethiopia
had stretched forth her hand!