davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-08-23
Up-to-Date Suggestions Submitted
@ For Relief of the Marriage Problem

home. Harry takes all they will give
him so as he won't waste no time lay
ing awake when he finely does get
home.
Now, friends, cases like the above
named is galore in every community
and accounts for pretty near 100 per
cent OF all the unhappy marriages.
And since they seems to be a preju-
dice VS.. trial marriage and besides
that would not do no good to people
all ready marred, why I would sug-
Sest 2 things, G) that all existing
marriages where either or both par
ties amt contented be declared off by
n presidential proclamation and fol-
low this up by entire redistribution
of husbands and wifes based on SINH
lartty of tastes and {2) that before
unmarried couples be allowed to marry.
each party be obliged to fill out a
QUESTIONABLE reading something like
as follows and If the answers to out
of the 10 questions is not the same, to
forbid the bands.
]. Can you read?
2. When you double bid do you
mean business?
3. Can you make coffee?
4. Can you handle your liquor?
5. Are your relatives all right men,
tally?
6. How do you feel about the radio ?
z. Who are your favorite comical
cartoonists?
8. What does a green light mean?
8. Is this your first visit to the
Falls?
10. What's the right time?
Evening star., 1925-08-23
Seeing" the Atoms.

/ IGHT may be spread out into it's
spectrum by means Of the diff.
fraction grating. which consists OF a
polished surface having about 10000
parallel lines ruled across 1t for each
lineal inch, according to the Scientific
American.
In order to make a suitable diffrac-
ton grating for X.rays, a polished
surface would therefore have to be
ruled with 10,000x20. 900 parallel lines
a lineai inch, or 200 100000 lines. This
cannot be done. We cannot make such
a ninutely ruled grating.
However, in 1919. NJ. Won Laue, an
Austrian scientist, discovered another
and equally good method OF doing the
same thing. 1t occurred to him that
II the atoms Of matter, which no one
has even seen because no microscope
in existence even approaches power
enough to make them visible, were ac-
tually spaced as closely together as
theoretical consideration indicated they
should be, then they would themselves
make an excellent diffraction grating
for the extremely short X-rays.
Won Laue at once put his theory to
the test, and was rewarded by clear
demonstration that it was valid. The
atoms Of crystals, just as they were
found in nature, constituted a grating
Of Just the right spacing.
Evening star., 1925-08-23
Here Is the Average Man
oends One Week of Life in Prison. Steals Only $5 Nine enhs
Spends One and Half Months Under Machine
lths of a Motor Car ,

p, has two children and q. quarter,
and is divorced once every years.
In morals the average woman is
away ahead of the man. Everybody
knows this in a general way, but il
is very pleasing TO see it corroborated
by cold, hard statistics.
The man, as we have seen above
spends u week in the penitentiary.
But the woman is there only half a
day. In her whole life she consumes
only one and a half gills of whisky
but, on the other hand, she eats, &C
cording to the director of the census,
four tons of candy. She is devoted
TO her two and a quarter children.
but she makes more fuss on the quar-
ters of a child than she does over the
two whole ones.
In point Of intellect, the average
woman cannot reason and cannot
think. But she can argue. The aver
age woman, according TO the educa
tional section of the census, only got
as far in arithmetic as improper frac
tions. Those stopped her.
And yet. take her as she is-even
with her hair bobbed round her ears
and her skirt higher than il was, and
her inability to add or to reason-she
is all right. The average man comes
out of the investigation as a poor in
significant shrimp. But with the
average woman. the more you think
about her, the better she appears.
But then. of course, no woman has
ever admitted that she is an average
woman, SO it doesn't matter.
Evening star., 1925-08-23
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

A FTER a profound study of the
~ census reports of the United
"A States and Canada / am pre-
4 \ pared to present to the public
the following brief digest of
information in regard TO the average
man:
In point of height the average
man Is feet s inches, deci-
NAL AIT, and in avoirdupois weight
he represents 139 pounds. 2 ounces
and 3 pennyweights. Eight-tenths of
his head is covered with hair. and his
whiskers If spread over his face could
cover 1t to the extent of onetenth
of an inch.
The average man lives either In
Honkville. Ind. or in Red Hat. Sas-
katchewan. These being the two CEN
ters of population for the United
States and Canada-he can't live any
where else.
The average man goes to church six
times year and has attended Sunday
school for two afternoons and can
sing half a hymn.
Although it thus appears that the
average man is rather weak on reli-
gion. In point of morals the fellow
is decidedly strong. He has spent
only one week of his whole life in
the penitentiary. He has stolen only
taking an average of theft and divid-
ing il by the population) S225. And
he never tells a lie except where there
Is some definite material advantage.
The average man is not, by stalls
tics, a great traveller. The poor fell
| low has been only 81 miles away from
his own home. He owns nine-tenths
of a low-priced car and punctures a
tire once every 22 days, and spends
In the course of his whole life month
! and a half underneath his car.
The education of the average man
costs $3.50. But it didn't get him far.
He stopped-aCcording to the educa-
| tional statistics-within one year Of
being ready for a college. Most of
| the things he learned had no meaning
for him. He gave up algebra without
yet knowing what 1t was about.
RY the time I had got to this point
OF the investigation I began to
realize what a poor shrimp the aver
age man is. Think of him with his
mean stature and his little chin and
| his car and his fear of the dark and
| him home in Honkville, Ind. or
| Red Hat. Saskatchewan. And think
of his limited little mind! The aver
age man, 1t seems, never forms an
opinion for himself. The poor nut
can't do it. He just follows the opln-
| ions of other men.
/ would like ever so much to start
a movement for getting above the
Evening star., 1925-08-23

average. Surely IL we all try hard
we can all lift ourselves up high
above the average. 1t looks little
difficult mathematically, but that's
nothing.
Think how fine to get away from
the average-to mingle with men 7
feet high and women 6 feet round; to
consort with people who wouldn't tell
lie except for big money, and to
have friends who could solve cross
word puzzles without having to buy
the Encyclopedia Britannica.
But the only trouble with such a
movement is that If l did really start
1t, md if / could with great labor
and persuasion get it going and it
began to succeed, then who would
come fiocking into it but the darned
little average man himself. AS long
as 1t was unsuccessful. he'd keep out
of IL. But let it once succeed and I'm
he'd come. That's exactly his dirty
little nature.
!: X +
7 had just brought my investigation
l. TO this point when ! realized that
had forgotten all about the average
woman. What about her? Where
does she come out?
Evening star., 1925-08-23

and there was a lot due, well. when he
got off the stage, we put on the Flora
dora. SeXtette, and this was a real
good number. I was in 1t, so I ought
to know. And the third time we took
a encore before the audience had time
to prevent it. why we got the steps
and words pretty darn near right.
X \ x
A FTER this act was safely over we
all went out into the hall in our
costumes TO see the rest OF the show,
which consisted of "The Dance of
The Fairies" a baby ballet, performed
by the dear little ones dressed up in
crepe-paper costumes. My Junior was
in this and that awful kid OF the
Bushes and also child per ca. of
pretty near every married person in
the audience.
The kids was just too cute for any
thing, as everybody remarked, espe-
cially mine. All the others got the
dance wrong except Junior. but luck
lily they all done 1t wrong the same
way. And then, on this acct. that Bush
Boy run into Junior. and naturally
Junior gave him a shove, and then
that rough Bush kid hit him, and we
had to ring down the curtain and
start the dance all over again. But IL
was certainly a pretty sight, as Mrs.
Goofnah, who Is always original, so
truly said.
Well, after the show was ali fin
ished, and the actors and audience
ditto, and l and Geo. was home, Geo
commenced asking me "A few ques-
tions. Well, Jennie, lac says, did you
get the five hundred dollars all right? I?
And ] says oh yes indeed dear. VIC
took in five hundred dollars and sixty
cents.
Tho expenses for costumes. lights,
the orchestra and extras generally,
only come to four hundred and ninety
four dollars and no/100, so you see we
are conner have six dollars and sixty
cents left for the fund. And Geo.
says hai ] suppose you think that is
big success? And I says yes we GER
tairly do, so much so that we are
conner give the show all over again
next month for the benefit of The So
ciety For Relieving Tho Condition of
Church Mice. Geo. give me one look
and pulled out his. pocket book.
No, you are not conner give il
again. says he, not for the benefit of
the S. +. r. I. c. O. c, NJ or any
thing else. on account that show don {
benefit nobody. The only ones en-
joyed it was the actors. Here, he
says, is a hundred smackers cash for
the Church Mice. It's worth the
money to me to keep that show off the
boreds in this mans town,
(Copyright 1881
Evening star., 1925-08-23

at each other in wop. Give him
Harold Lloyd.
Genevieve loves le danse and q
specially with Harry when he Is sober
Harry won't get up on the floor unless
he almost can't.
Harry likes a steak rare or medium
rare and smothered with onions. also
French fried or baked potatoes.
Genevieve can't stand steak unless It's
burnt black. hates onions and insists
on potatoes Az graun. Harry says
anybody that will eat cheese.
And Genevieve says the same thing
to him about onions.
Genevieve screams when Harry
drives the car and vice versa.
Harry talks golf all the time and
bores Genevieve stiff. Genevieve dis
cusses out loud the relative merits of
Otto and Mr.. Shirley as hair dressers
and the topic don't seem to give Harry
no big thrill.
Genevieve drinks couple of cock
tails at parties to insure herself VS..
going 70 sleep before it's time to 60
Evening star., 1925-08-23
Two Notable Frenchmen
Lead in Foreign Affairs

at the conference of Brussels, the
Germans had accepted the SeydouX
plan-and England rejected it, per
haps to fare worse.
The other Frenchman who. in the
background, has the most to do in
actual labor for Frances international
relations is NJ. Philippe Berthelot. He
is now general secretary at the minis
try of foreign affairs, where he was
for many years political director.
With his chief, Foreign Minister Bri-
and, he has had to work up the
French note on the pact of security
which Germany has just answered,
and which no doubt he will have to
defend in coming negotiations.
NJ. Berthelot is the most discon-
certing man in actual diplomacy. Lord
Curzon told the shock which the
Frenchman gave him when they had
first to confer together in 1921 in
London. The Englishman had taken
the precaution to have his experts
present with their written reports and
figures. M. Berthelot appeared alone.
You may bring your experts" said
the Englishman.
II have none" said the Frenchman.
well, then, have your documents
brought"
II have none"
Lord Curzon looked at the forehead
of the Frenchman, high enough un-
der its tufted hair to contain IL
brary, and shrugged his shoulders.
When NJ. Berthelot was obliged to
resign his post on account of opposi-
tion in the French Parliament, Lord
Curzon wrote to him: II wish, in my
own name and in that of Mr.. Lloyd
George, to say to you that all your
English friends respect and admire
and love you
In fact, NJ. Berthelot has one of
those memories you read of. In his
younger days he frequented a Latin
quarter cafe where the intellectuals
met. He was challenged to repeat by
heart the greatest number of verses
of French poetry. The match lasted
a month and Philippe Berthelot came
out ahead of Jean Moreas, the Greek
who wrote volumes of French verse
and was supposed to know more
French poetry than any other living
man. Berthelot had recited from his
memory &c, 900 verses.
AS long ago as 1907, with a clear
foresight of the worlds needs. NJ. Ber-
thelot obtained the union OF the com
mercial relations department of the
foreign office with the political direc-
ton.
Evening star., 1925-08-23

So l picked up the census volumes
again and took another little run
through them.
The average woman, it seems, does
not live at Honkville, Ind, or at Red
Hat, Saskatchewan. The percentage
of women in the population being
much greater in the eastern part of
the country, the average woman lives
105 miles east of the average man.
But she is getting nearer to him every
day. Oh, yes, she is after him, all
right.
1t is also clear that the average
woman is about half an inch taller
than the average man. Women.
taken individually. are no doubt not
so tall as men, but. on the avera ge,
a woman is Just a little taller. Men
will find it a little difficult to under
stand how this can be, but any woman
can see IL at once.
In point of personal appearance, 1t
may be estimated that women, taken
as an average. wear their hair just
below their shirt collar and have their
skirts, at an average, always 2
inches higher than they were year
before.
The average woman gets married at
Evening star., 1925-08-23
would have to put chloroform on her

would have to put chloroform on her
bouquets she sends herself
Well anyways, after this I and
Mabel certainly worked. We worked
the printer for the tickets, then we
worked our friends to buy 'em,
worked the political power of our
Ladies Thursday Club to get the Az
phone overtime reminding members
of the Dramatic Club where a re-
hearsal had been called for ten o'clock
and it was now eleven-thirty, would
they please hurry over, and etc.
RUT when the night of the affair
come, we certainly had cause to
be proud. Proud we was still alive,
anyways. OF course the curtain
wouldn't go up until we had coaxed
1t a coupla times, but that was only
natural, and ii went up only 3. of a
hour late, which was a big success, if
person could judge by the applause
when it happened.
The first no. was little Ellie EPSON,
a sweet child of ten annums who
played a piece on the violin. We
mother had advanced some money for
the programme SOS the audience
wouldn't get up and leave when she
commenced playing.
Mabel Bush had some liniment all
ready for the violin in case II seemed
to suffer too much but nothing was
provided for the audience, they was
considered to be we'll able to take care
of themselves or they would never
of been there in the first place.
The next piece was just too comical
for words. That Joe Bush of the
Hawthorne Club come out dressed all
up like an Italian. and recited dia-
and believe you me it was a perfect
could Of made out what Joe was
saying.
And after that, Mrs. Goofnah IA
vored with piano selection. Just
who she favored, or why she selected
q plano to pick on, amt able to say.
But in, as the poet says, a manner
which defied even death itself, she
played Deep River, swaying to the
watery music with all the grace of d
young and playful hippo.
Then Mabel sang. She was all
dressed up like a little girl and sung
about the wild flowers. And I'm here
to tell that any flower would of been
wild by the time she was through
with it! And after this come the in
termission.
Well, we made 1t a good long one,
to give the audience plenty Of time to
Evening star., 1925-08-23
TRULY SAID"

recover their strength. and then We
| give three jerks and up went the cur
tain again and we put on what the
French call the piece de resistance,
| meaning you got to have plenty Of re-
sistance to pull through it.
Hot BoZo. il was some number. being
a take-off on all the Follies of Dingle-
wood for the last year. such as skit
| on the trolley cars, scene on the
| five-fifteen, numerous cracks that hit
the audience such as what's the mat
ter with Joe Bush's car? Ans. He's
| installed A new engine. Ans. Why l
thought he had his engine in, stalled,
before! See. good cracks like that.
something personal on everybody in
the audience, pretty near. beside gen.
eral ones on the local cemetery assoc.
the electric light Co. and the way our
lights often go out when most
needed, and etc.
Mr.. Goofnah was a female imper-
senator in this, and you couldn't hard
ly of told him from a girl only for his
| wife not being able to make him shave
off his moustache for just the one
night.
RELIEVE you me. the audience sim
~ ply howled and hollered with
laughter at these local items, especial
ly II the joke was on a friend which
| they would all turn around and look
to see was the friend In the audience
| and II the friend was, why they would
yell, Hey. Ed, that's one on you, get
that Ed, All ha. And all like that.
OF course there was some cracks
which wasn't so funny. like when
they spoke about me gaining weight
or picked on my poor dear husband
for being the worst golfer in the Haw-
thorne Club. e. his best shot being his
approach-to the clubhouse! Jokes
like them Is in bad taste / always
claim
But then to the other hand there
was a awful humorous crack pulled
about Mabel Bush never giving her
family enough to eat except at some
body else's house. You know, 1t was
just one of them harmless, good ma
tured jokes that Is perfectly all right
If taken in the correct spirit.
Well. after this number. DR.. Sal.
ary recited Gunga Din, and 1t was
certainly some din all right, he tore
| up the stage, and tore down the stage
in the dramatic, not Carpentering
sense of them words, IL you get me.
He put a whole lot OF feeling into II .
| and the strain was something awful,
| especially on his vest. III tell the
world, If Gunga Din was better man
than DR.. Salary, like the Doc claimed,
1t certainly wasn't at shouting.
After the Doc had bowed his thanks
for the applause with all due modesty,
Evening star., 1925-08-23

French foreign Office or
hold a solemn conference with repre-
sentatives of the French government
they are sure to run up against one
of two F'renchmen.
One is NJ. Jacques Seydoux, and it
is not difficult, for he comes forward
walking painfully on two sticks and
sometimes carried in a chair.
He is the assistant political director
at the ministry of foreign affairs. He
has sharp eyes in a worn, colorless
face, and the Roman nose, which, in
eagles as in men, shows will power
that cannot be downed.
He seems a physical wonder at first.
Then he takes his part freely and fire.
quently, with high, abrupt voice.
and suddenly every one feels that he
knows all about 1t. And he has been
in 1t all, during the war and since the
war, In all the committees and in all
the conferences. Americans will hear
of him again.
When Jacques Seydoux began his
career he was quite the man or the
world. He served his apprenticeship
in international politics in London and
Athens and The Hague. The foreign
diplomats may not have suspected the
full capacity of the smiling, active and
sociable comrade. Now he says, to ex-
plain why he works all the time there
is: What would you have me do,
bound as I am to my chair? Travel
or golf or dancing? No; my amuse.
ment Is work"
To tell the truth, he was working
enough for most men in the society
days of his youth. Now, in the prime
OF life, crippled and confined, he has
by sheer power of will continued un-
remitting work until he is almost the
necessary man in his department of
the nations work. One of his col
leagues says, "He is the triumph of
the spirit over the flesh
During the war 1t was NJ. Seydoux
who organized the blockade of enemy
countries. In peace, it is he who is
charged, on the part of France, to do
the unblockading-that is, TO bring
back business relations and to see to
land and sea transports. Now all this
depends on the treaties of peace and
on the reconstruction of Europe by
reparations.
Every one knows the Dawes plan,
which is trying to work. But in 1921,
Evening star., 1925-08-23

joint without paging the Lambs club
for Dudley Field Malone.
So as to make my point more
clearer leave Us take the case of a
typical couple who we will call Mr..
and Mrs. Claffert. In the first II
weeks of their welded bliss they be-
come aware of the following hiatuses:
Mrs. Claffert likes to go home early.
Mr.. Claffert likes to stay out late.
Mrs. Claffert has a average Of 8
headaches per wk. Her husband
don't even know what they feel like,
though he should of.
Mrs. Claffert likes to be took out
with of major suit. Harry Claffert
(for Harry is indeed his first name)
will begin to bite innocent bystanders
if his partner don't leave him in with
whatever he bid.
Genevieve Claffert loves grand
opera Harry says he amt going to
spend no $40 per ticket to set for 8
hours listening to or 5 frogs and a
heine or believing teck and forth
Evening star., 1925-08-23
Amundsen Received Encouragement
From Nansen in His Youthful Efforts

Christiania from his successful Green
land expedition.
Thrilled to the bone as he looked
upon the man who was then the most
celebrated person in Norway, he said
to himself:
IF only I could make the North
west Passage"
Beginning In 1894 as an ordinary
seaman on a sealer in the polar seas,
he rose to the capacity Of mate by
1897, Then his connection with the
Belgian Antarctic expedition began.
Copyright. 1920
Evening star., 1925-08-23
BY RING LARDNER.

" o the editor: If a person goes
around from here to there and
back with their eyes open it
won't be long before they find
acH out that though q mans or a
woman's spouse is often referred to as
their mate, why some husbands and
wffes amt no more mates than Pussy
foot Johnson and Sophie Tucker.
These couples who l refer has little or
nothing in common and you amt alone
with neither party more than 3 sec
onds when you are told verbatim that
he or she to who you are listening is
misunderstood.
The lease bit OF sympathy showed
towards one of these confiders and
they will follow you around all the
evening adding details till finely you
even know whether their wife's or
husbands toothbrush is soft, hard or
medium.
The whole trouble seems to be that
the boys down in Washington has
overlooked one amendment to the
Constitution, namely a amendment
legalizing trial marriage, and the re-
suit is that thousands and thousands
of ladies and gents launChs their frail
skift on the salty sea of matrimony
before they can spell each others
Evening star., 1925-08-23

name and address It don't take them
more than a month or to discover
that the consort TO who they have
yoked themself up should ought to of
been put out of their misery in child
hood, but now they are tied to them
and must remain so unless they have
grounds for divorce and the patience
and means to enjoy same. A trial
marriage would of showed them the
serious discrepancies and one of them
could OF. just packed UP and left the
Evening star., 1925-08-23

in Christiania. The city rang with
talk of the explorers feats
AT 8 the boy had read the
story of F'ranklins glorious but tragic
Evening star., 1925-08-23

attempt TO get through the Northwest
Passage. At II he was a witness of
the great public reception given DR.
Fridtiof NanSen on his return to
Evening star., 1925-08-23
BY PRESTON WRIGHT.

PPROXIMATELY a quarter of
~ a century has passed since two
"A men in Christia mia. Norway,
discussed "A project the achieve
of 70 ring
Evening star., 1925-08-23
PARIS. August IS.

7 HENEVER Americans or
Englishmen, Belgians, Ital-
" " ianS or Germans have to
talk over matters with the
Evening star., 1925-08-23
Lhasa Victory Won.

Continued from Third PageA
Evening star., 1925-08-23

): i: !: : Y: +: s :; &:
the following brief digest Of
Evening star., 1925-08-23

A S Cleopatra in her famous book.
~ THE Asp, and It's Social
a Usage" once said: The Onion
4 Il builds you up physically and