davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
By STEPHEN LEACOCK.

4 "HE press dispatches recently
| contained the startling news
| of the invention by a dis
1 tinguished university professor
| OF a new form of concentrated
food. 1t is claimed that all the es-
sential nutritive elements are put to-
gether in the form of pellets, each of
which contains from one to two hun
| dred times as much nourishment as
an ounce of ordinary articles of diet.
These pellets, diluted with water,
will form all that is necessary to sup
port life. The professor looks forward
| confidently to revolutionizing the pres
ent food system.
1t appears that in an interview
given to the press the professor calls
attention to the wonderful 81 wing OF
time and increase of efficiency that
will be effected by the new invention.
The average person. it appears, spends
an hour and a half every day In eat
ing.
This represents one-sixteenth Of
his whole time. Hence n man of. let
us say, Cd years. has spent no less
than four years in eating. He will
| now be able to do four more years
work.
The social changes due TO this in
vention, the professor claims, will he
enormous and very striking. All the
houses will he obliterated. Dining cars
will be closed and the farming Coun-
Try will henceforth be available in it's
entirety for golf grounds. instead OF
only partly, as at present.
These changes are, of course. admir-
able, and yet, / am inclined 10 Won
der whether there may not be n re-
verse side to the picture thus pre-
sented. 1t seems possible that some
| thing of the present JOY Of life, hum
BILE though II Is, will be entailed.
Imagine what will be left of such oC-
casions as feasting and banquets.
Here. for instance, is the kind Of
press account that will be published
on the occasion of a banquet of the
New Engla nd Society. once famous for
its good cheer:
Yesterday evening the New Eng
| land Society held IT'S annual Christ
mas banquet in the Sale DOree OF
the Grand Palaver Hotel. The vast
dining room was profusely decorated
with bunting, flowers. and the ban
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

says Mr.. Littey, n inveterate cleaner
and dyer. '.you will always find
them bursting into gusts OF frequent
laughter. When You wish a person
merry Christmas YOU should mean
you hope they have the eiggles all
that day. And Vet, as matters stands,
how many stomach laughs will you
hear in a average family on this great
festivalo None. If any, and all be
cause theys nothing for people to
laugh about. 1t is my aim to remedy
this evil so far as my own family is
concerned, and if you are interested
in whether | get results, drop in
Christmas AM. and see for yourself"
Mr.. Littey's family consists of his
wife tTracy), and three children: Betty.
age Is, Charles, age II, and Huntley.
age 6. His scheme Is to play tricks
on them all and make the tricks so
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
Stop Keeping Account Of the Expense,
IfYou Would Reduce Cost of Running Car

shows there was skeleton OF a horse.
The man said it was the skeleton of n
horse that was ridden by Richard the
Third" l am a student of Shake
speare and l was surprised at this as
l always understood he didn't have a
horse, IN fact, he offered his kingdom
for a horse. What do you think of
the situation? Yours truly.
ELLA PLANT.
Answer: Very simple. The skeleton
you saw is of the horse he offered his
kingdom for.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I read in the
papers today about a man who was
crazy about golf. While he was play
ing a game with his wife she talked
all the time, which interfered with
his game. 1t seems his ball landed in
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
Novelty in the Festivities of Christmas
Promises Unusual Joy in Family Circle

under control eyerybouv viii adjourn
- the playrool for the Christmas
tree.
They Will lind that during the night
DAD has removed the ordinary gew-
GaSs and tinsel from the tree and sui
stituted strips of q discarded carpe-
;hAt use to cover the floor of Mrs
Liitey'S tTracy'sl sewing room. This
surprise viii Ice followed by the di~-
irritation Of presents and here Nj
Littey's talents viii run riot. He says
i has long been the dream OF Mrs
Littey's tTracy'sl life to have a Slide.
trombone, 50 he has obtained from a
Well known musical instrument com
pany some of their wrapping papcr
with their name on il and will make
up package about the size and shape
Of trombone. but when Mrs. Littey
opens it Tracy she will find a kero.
sene funnel tied onto the end Of pan
OF tonES.
Betty. who has always wanted a.
ballet costume, viii open a pronisin"
box marked with the name Of a firm
Of famous drcSSmakerS and discover Il
couple 81 items of next week : laundry
Charles, devotee OF lawn tennis viii
rush at what he thinks is 4 new racket
and find himself bleSt with fly swat
ter. Huntley, who has been after his
parents for - months TO get him
pocket flask, Will bc hard put TO keep
d straight face when he learns his
gift is Il fiatiron
The Littey'S Christmas turkey i 10
he of PAPER mache, the gravy of
bicycle drippings and everything else
in keeping. After dinner Mr.. Litte1.
will ask his wife Tracy To sing, ana
just as she starts, will put on his hal
and coat and 90 out with the hil,in-
club of which he has been = member
since Il was founded
Il expect he says. that several
times during the day, | Will hear The
remark, What a terror dad is" Blu
don't care what people call me ~
long as they don't call me late To-
breakfast"
Mr.. Littey is born mimic as Well
as clown, and often entertainS his
family and friends with limitations II
characters in different big city tell
phone books. Perhaps his best inf-
tationS are those of Rhodes, Walter
G. 2Sl Whaley Az Freepurt laG4
and Cushel, JOS. I 2G W. a. circle
4250. lie dispises all form Of cant and
can, and is a admire Of Mark Twain.
He graduated from Altoona hich
school in the Fall Of 1909. three
months behind the rest OF his class.
In 1916 he married Il Miss tTrac,n
Hendricks of Monroe, Mich. and her
father gave him a talking machine,
His favorite record is Cohen at the
/ Telephone"
What is your favorite record. Lii
tey?" he was asked recently.
'Still the same old Cohen" was
the answer.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

comical that they and whatever spec
tatorS happens to be around will not
only be in commissions from dawn till
dark OF Christmas day proper. hut
still obliged to chuckle for weeks
afterwards whenever they think of
Dad and his funny Christmas"
1t is customary for the Littey kid
dies TO hang up their stockings Christ
mas eve and find them well filed with
goodies Christmas \. NJ. This time
the stockings will be hung up as usual
and filed by Mrs. Littey Tracyl. but
after she has retired Littey will sneak
downstairs, take out and destroy the
articles she has put in the stockings
and refill the last named with gravel.
cotton candy" and pieces from old
parchesi and crokinole sets. When
these things is discovered and the
laughter over same has been gotten
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

Zach ~uest would find IF he would
look carefully on the table in front
of HIM placed beside his napkin.
small concentrated pill. This little
pill, he could assure them, contained
AS much nourishment as four deci-
NAL six turkeys. He would therefore
invite the company to rise and swal-
low their pills, after which he would
wish them Merry Christmas and they
would kindly pass out at the side door
taking drink Of water at the tap as
they went out.
He could assure them that If they
drank about half u gallon of water
they would begin TO feel, long before
they got home, an internal distension
as agreeable as anything felt even
by the stoutest Purltans.
The pills having been swallowed
the guests departed with every expires
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

a democrat" he said that was
nothing as his father was an Artistic
Crat.' Please tell me the difference?
Truly yours,
ID. MOCRASY.
Answer: 4 Democrat has only one
father and an aristocrat has fore
fathers.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: ] am Il working
man earning about $4,000. u year. My
wife made me buy an automobile. /
keep an account and l find the car
costs me $1,000 a year to run. What
shall ! do? Sincerely,
Y. TRAPARTS.
Answer: Stop keeping an account.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l went to the cir
Gus yesterday and in one Of the side
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

It bunker and he had n very difficult
shot. His wife kept talking to him
lie couldn't stand it any longer. 5
she was in the bunker with him he
turned and hit her with his driving
iron. He was arrested and sent to iail
Tor SIX months. Do you thfnk that is
right: Yours truly.
INA PTTTER
Answer: 1t seems to me the reason
he got six months was not because he
hit his wife. but he hit his Wife in i
Bunker with a Driving Iron
There's the whole story in q nutshell
lie used the wrong club.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l am a man of 10
years of age. ! met woman my own
age at a party last week. I took her
home and on the way ] told her that
her teeth We're like stars" | have
called her up on the phone but Sne
won't talk to me. What do you think
is wrong? Truly yours.
HERM SINGLE.
Answer: You probably hit the nail
on the head You said her teeth were
just like stars" and she thinks YOU
said that, because they come out every
night
Dear Mr.. Wynn: l saw Il sign in tho
window of furniture store which
read: We furnish everything for the
kitchen" Does that mean ,pt X
reaches too? Sincerely.
\. DAVENPORT
Answer: Next week
THE PERFECT FOOL,
Ed Wynn. as he has often told Won =
one of the wlscst in the world H.
sees all-hs knows all. Do you think you
can stump him with any hind of u question:
II you do, send u to him In carr. OF The
editor OF this paper and watch for his rspiT
tCoDyrlght. l3.5.I
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
''Nowadays," Remarks Higgins, "You Are
Either in Style or Are Cramping Stvles''

would be to a lad with st. Eitus dance.
We're not people any more; we're just
style-crampers.
Where" inquiries the frau, did you
find out how college boys act?"
Joe Tracy" I explains, had his
son and gang UP to his house last
Christmas. 1t took him until the
Fourth of July to get the house back
where it was and until Washington's
birthday to catch up with his sleep"
There would be some difference"
shifts Kate. between the kind of
crowd Tracy's boy would bring to his
home and the kind my nephew would
associate with. John is Il wonderful
boy, we'll bred"
Il suppose" says ], hes SO nice
and innocent that he thinks 'necking'
is washing the back of your neck and
'petting' is the love of barnyard pets"
Well" 1 comes back, what are
they?"
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

furniture out of the house and put i'll
about six kitchen chairs and a side
board
six chairs remarks the misses.
Il expect there'n be a dozen or more
young folks at the parties"
Skill be enough" I assures. six
chairs and six laps will take care of a
dozen young saps. Besides, I'd ar
range to have breakfast served at 4
I'm, to be followed by a taxicab drive
in the park"
What" asks the wife, would we
be doing all this time?"
"We'd be sleeping peacefully in q
hotel ROOM" ] answers.
You mean, leave the house to John
and his friends?" exclaims Kate.
Sure" says ]. The last thing the
gangll want around here is us. When
folks get as old as we are we're as
welcome around the young as an at
tack of infiammatory rheumatism
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

ners OF the society \ company OF
over 500 persons sat down at tables
adorned with Glittering silver and
snow-White napery.
The president of the association. in
making his address Of welcome. drew
attention to the fact that the New
England Society had always been ia
nous for the generous hospitality of
its Christmas entertainments. What
ever the faults of their Puritan an
cestors may have been. stinginess in
the matter of eating and drinking was
not one of them.
lie would venture TO say that the
roast turkeys and the mince pies OF
New England had become u legend
throughout the gastronOmic world.
But he was now-he continued-able
TO invite them to partake Of u hos
pitality more bountiful still.
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

/ Christmas holidays with us
and bring a few friends"
Gosh | growls. II married for a
home and drew Il roadhouse.
''RoadhouSe"' snaps the Wife DO
YOU think my nephew and his nice
college friends would turn this place
into a roadhouse?'
II don't know nothing about John"
saws /, Excepting that he's a rela-
tive on the distaste side of the family,
but if he and his rah-rahs pull the
same kind Of stuff around here that
those week end friends of yours do
he'll turn the hut into "a cross between
a. gin mill and the backyard of u
brewery"
why should you object" shifts
Kate. .'That'd make you feel at home
In your home. wouldn't it? Anyways,
I've told John to bring his friends,
and now we got to get busy"
Doing WHAT" / demands. Taking
che curtains down and ripping the
carpets off the fioor?"
We've got to provide amusements
Cor the young folks, don't WEI" comes
back the frau.
Such aS?" I inquiries.
well" goes on the misses, I'VE
should ought to invite some nice girls,
so the boys can have a dance. Then
we ought to fix up some games and
How DID," l wants to know, lis
this Johnny cake-eater of yours?'
Eighteen" answers the wife.
Eighteen, eh?' l remarks. And
YOU got an idea that an lS-year-old
boy nowadays goes in for charades?''
.They were wild about 'em when I
Vas a girl" returns Kate.
"Yeh." says l, and when you were
q, girl they were wild about begging
soldier buttons off the boys marching
off to the War of 1912. The average
youngster today doesn't know whether
a charade is a new kind of hip-drinll
or a variation of the angleworm
wiggle."
How inquiries the frau, sarcastic,
would you suggest we entertain John
I'm the first place" says I, I'D
hire a jazz band of eight pieces. four
of 'em to play all day and the other
four all night"
go on urges Kate. Exhaust
LINEN. / soes on. I'D take all the
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
By ED WYNN.

Dl Eli w LINN.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am a man 40
years of age. 1 am single. I do not
chew, smoke, drink, swear, dance or
gamble Do you think I will live to
be 80 years of. agef Yours truly,
A. MARVEL.
Answer: You probably will. But, if
YOU don't do any of the things you
mention. why do you want to live As
years longer?
Dear Mr.. Wynn: I smoke 60 to 20
cigarettes a day and my doctor says
his habit will affect my brains. Do
you agree with him? Yours truly,
SIG ARR.
Answer: No. If you had any brains
YOU wouldn't smoke 20 cigarettes j
lay.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: was in New York
asst week and saw a lot of plays. Why
do the managers produce plays which
are SO Raw? Yours truly,
@. POM.
Answer: The managers know the
newspapers will roast" them.
Dear Mr.. Wynn: 1 am boy IL years
cd and I had fight with another boy
because when l said my father was
nearly killed a policeman. They say
it's John"
"Congrats," says /. There's life in
your old family yet"
He can't come here for Christmas"
snaps the wife.
Let him come" I urges II love
to see the youngsters acting out
charades."
Copyright. 1881
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

trying 10 figure out some way of
celebrating that gala occasion which
will be Il change from the or
binary and serve to give Il new leas,
of life to a holiday that is rapidly be
coming Iuonotonous through lack of
originality One of our best friends
who we will call Wilbur Littey i
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

honey time Well. Gen. Buster
didn't look quite so humbly grateful
as I had expected. Instead of being
surprised his own self, it was him sur
prised me. Why Mrs. Jules, that is
real kind of you, he says, l would be
| delighted to accept, only ! have prom
! ised my daughter Mrs. Whatterpile to
so TO Florida with her for Christmas
on her yacht, and we expect to have
quite rough party.
! Well. | went off In a kind of huff.
| it really was pretty inconsiderate of
| old Gen. Bluster, after all our charity,
| to be conner have a even better time
then We could offer him. Also l felt
/ where he hadn't done the right thing
| in keeping that rich daughter of his
| from us all this time.
/ But, / says to myself, take heart
Jennie old girl, just because there is
| one unappreciative old man in the
| world is no sign You can't still do
! a whole lot of good 10 others there
is Miss Demeanor, that bottle blond
! the one that's engaged to DIR. Salary.
! There she is living in that awful
! boarding house of Mrs. PruneS / bet
! she will be just tickled TO death to
| escape from ham and eggs for one
day. | believe l will drop right around
! now and ask her, poor soul. She
/ hasn't relative in the world. at least
| hope she hasn't, for it's quite a walk
| over to her place, II bet nobody has
thought of her except me.
! Well anyways, l went on over to
Drab Villa, the home for indignant
gentlefoks. where Miss Demeanor
ordinarily lived. but it seems l was
( too late. oh she's gone for the Holt
days, says Mrs. Prune ut the door,
/ DR.. SalaryS mother sent for her in
a dark pink limousine with Il Chauf-
! feur and a plumbers assistant on the
! front seat, and she's spending her
vacation and her last two weeks
board bill, 1 got no doubt, down at
! Highhat, Long Island.
Well, | might of known Il bottle
! blond of that type wasn't to be de-
! pended on, but 1 turned away real
mad TO think of all the pleasure ]
J expected to have, inviting her, and
Z here she hadder go and treat me like
| that,
:. :; = x
Hot BOZO. l thought. we'll, l guess
| made Il mistake inviting the
| alleged charity members of my own
set, what | had ought to of done in
| the first place is ask the poor work
ing classes, now there is the book
keeper down to Georges Office with
the bone trimmed spectacles to match
| his head, anybody can tell by look
ing at him that he has no home, he
| is undoubtedly one of these poor saps
whose idea of a big time is to wrap
! himself around a vanilla ice cream
| soda regularly on Saturday nights,
and he'll probably enliven US with ac-
counts of his Sunday school lessons,
but his gratitude will repay us for all
our sufferings.
Having got this kindly idea in my
head l decided not to trust the lady
bountiful stuff to George, but next
day l got all dappered up in my best
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
BY RING hARD\ER.

40 the editor: The chief topic
of conversation around our
neiShborhood these days i
Christmas, and a few of our
advanced thinkers has been
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20
BY SAM HELIMAN.

ri GOT Il letter from John today"
- remarks the wife. He wants
TO know if he can spend the
i Christmas holidays with us
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

A S w. j. Bryan is alleged to once
~ have said in real estate
"A speech, It's q fine thing to
4 4 give lots and lots at Christmas.
provided there is no monkey
Evening star. [volume] (Washington, D.C.) 1854-1972, 1925-12-20

Dear Mr.. Wynn: I am boy II years
cd and / had fight with another boy
because when l said my father was
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1925-07-11
The
Sequel
TO

only daughter OF Jonathan and Jen,
pie Bryce of Indianapolis. To start
life anew after her child dies and
Barry Dunno. her sweetheart. 1llts her
to marry wealthy la Moore. ChicAie
Asy SfaRh ea Ron st saH Rson sM aTS
wealthy Jake Munson are Chickie's
home town friends.
Jimmie. Blake, q childhood sweet
heart. who. still loyes ,Chickie. &C.
cepts position IN t Honolulu }rIandsbi, Of
Edgar Manx. fellow boarder at Mrs.
Daisy Brack, Eloise Maxwell. Betty
and Doris QEdinI and RSobbyt s Jones es
Norp whitman Chickie goes. to hie
Winetka home, as companion for Bar.
baFai bis daughtsr Lee Lee his son loves
Their sister Edith Mrs. Dirl,s Pot
teri. secretly loves Tommy. an actor.
She stops the elopement of Barbara
end Paul Scott and speaks contempt
bly, to Chickte for aiding them. Bar
haras father consents to the q ar
age Shie %ibs M II be Pd es jan e.
and Vera. At the rehearsal Myra
King suddenly recognizes. Chickie as
the girl who came with Barry Dunno
to Bess Abbott's philosophy lectures,
and tells Edith Of Chickie's past. life.
and interferes with Luis Lamarck's
Chickie feels, defeated, and when
could not keep with Lee.
GO ON WITH THE STORY
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1925-07-11

| it die. Her spirit cowered-it sank
Gown and covered it's face.
He said: Speak to me, Helen
won't your"
She shook her head. She turned
from him. motioning that he must
go. "Please-oh, now-oh, go"
He came swiftly his hands on her
shoulders. He swept her about and
looked into her face. Her eyes con-
fessed what the moving lips had re-
| fused.
Moments his breath choked. He
held her so, the light flaming and
deadening in his face. The trembling
of his hands was terrible and put
deadly faintness through her He
crossed his arms to steady them
about her. He leaned down and
whispered: "Helen-is it true? You
mean it's true? Those things are
so?"
She nodded heavily. She saw a
cold. blush pallor all about his
mouth, beads standing on his fore
head. He said, unbelieving: DO
you mean this? It's true?"
She loosened his hands. 1t seemed
to her that she should comfort him;
that she should wipe his face.
/ But he would not believe. He said,
fighting for his voice: you can't
know. You can't know what she
said You can't have done those
things!
She answered, brokenly; IT did
did them all"
A sound, that was a live thing
broken in its pain, shot from him.
He clapped his hands in spasm
against his face.
Chiclxie stood there, white and
cold, while the thing seemed dying
in the room, leaving 1t chill, leaving
it empty and dark.
He was moving to the door, fun
bling with the knob,
He turned and looked at her, the
youth and rapture gone from his
face. He said, incredulous, "Oh,
your" And with that crushed, ac-
cusing look went out.
Chickie watched the door close,
Ste went over and turned the knob
gently. Then she leaned against 1t,
no moan on her lips, no protest in
her heart.
Only terror-a numb, still terror.
She stood there, losing count Of
time. Once she opened the door,
half expecting to find him returned.
She sat all afternoon, with her
hands folded idly in her lap. A new
idea had come to her. She said
aloud many times. cts not myself
oh, now-now-"
And this seemed frightful to her
this, that the consequences Of her
deed We're thrust upon others. That
Lee Whitman should have a crushed,
stricken look because of her and a
thing she had done months, even
years, before.
This thought came to her in
terrifying aspect. She saw herself a
thing that could destroy, that could
viciously hurt. She quailed. She
said to herself, "God-no-oh, don't"
she WlSned lnen 10 rush out ana
speak to Willman-explain- him
oh, that perhaps he might under
stand-might see It not as such a
CHASTITY thing.
She wondered where he was, what
he would do. And she kept feeling
his lips pressed against her palm as
he had knelt that night telling her
that love was such a glory-with her
it would be all a dream
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1925-07-11
Chickie Tells Lee Whitman the
Story About Her
Is True

She pictured the young willful
mouth quickening as it did with a
sudden smile, Tightening in impulsive
anger. He had looked for thing
exquisite in life; he had found it in
her. Now the dream was gone.
Chickie turned her face against
the chair. She began to pray in an
imploring, frantic desperation.
L Now she imagined he would run
his car swiftly over a cliff; now she
saw him walking out into the surf.
Once he had said to her, Who would
live unless there were some purpose
to it--some hidden beauty-and we
can do our part to deepen it?''
Then he had laughed: Helen. as
Barbara says, just living you do
yours
Oh. she should have told him then.