davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-02-15
MAYBE WOULD BE THE BEST TRAFFIC POLICEMAN IN


The author of the book says that
every one of us was fitted by nature
for success in some line of work. She
has made careful study of the sub
ject and can tell by looking at a per-
SON just what line of work they can
make their success in. Her book has
got list Of 1,400 different kinds of
Jobs and bunch Of pictures and
charts showing the kind of people
that Is cut out for same. The reader
can pour over these pictures and
charts for a while and be able to
select the right Job for himself or
kiddies without no fear of mistakes.
Most of the deductions is made
from examination of the subjects
head and face and hands. Personally
TX IT was up to me to pick out a
vocation for my kiddies by exami-
ming their head and face and hands
why 1t would depend a whole lot on
what time of day / examined same.
II done the examining along about
pm. in the afternoon would ar
range to have them all educated for
q job In garage or coal mine.
X \
TN the advertisements they's pic
1 lures OF four mems heads which
Is all diRsfsNt types ana II tells you
Evening star., 1925-02-15

what each type should or ought to do
to win fame and fortune. One of
these types is the financial type. an
other is the salesman type, another
is the professional type and the
fourth is executive type. The sales
man type has got dimpled chin
which it shows / was wise to not
try and be a salesman. The execu-
tive types shrewd, keen gaze and the
financial types well rounded cheeks
lets me out in both instants. So
that leaves nothing only the profess
sional type which I suppose includes
writers and the main trait of this
type is their high forehead which L
can certainly boast of same now
days but when 1 and my parents was
choosing my life work the old brow
wasn't nowheres near as high so me
taking up the writing game as I have
learned to call it, why it was just a
matter of good or bad luck and may
be 1 would of made the best traffic
policeman in the world.
On the front of the advertisement
they's picture of boy which it
says on it, "At IL years, he is worth
a million to you. His mischievous,
boyish pranks, his eager, carefree
ways make life better worth living.
You know you wouldn't take a mil
Evening star., 1925-02-15
Decision as to Life Work of Child
Made Fine Science at Great Neck

lion for him. But what will he be
at 30?"
We'll, have got a 12-year-old boy
which L haven't no idea what he will
be at 80, as his face and head Is a.
combination of all kinds Of types
And I will admit that they's times
when I wouldn't take a million for
him and probably wouldn't get 1t
neither. But they's also other times
when 1 would sell him and his three
brothers for a ticket to last Springs
city serious in Philadelphia
However, l would advise all par
ents to get the book and also people
that amt parents but don't like their
own jobs because either this book
will give you the right dope and save
you a whole lot of agony or else 1t
will give you the wrong dope and
land you or your kiddies In the gut
ter and If so you will have the salts
faction of saying well 1t was the
books fault not mine.
Evening star., 1925-02-15

Well, of course ! knew where Miss
Demeanor always goes to work on
that same train. and that Geo.
wouldn't even hold gloves with any
woman but me. 1 know Geo. so I
merely thought Hot Bozo, give him
chanst, maybe he VIII rememb ber
when he gets to the office and give
me ring on the telephone if not
on the little finger
Well, l waited for about a hour,
and then I begun to feel, we'll I guess
he certainly don't love me no more,
after all marriage is a failure. love
among the domestic details amt the
same as among the best parlor furni-
ture and the moving picture shows,
but if that cruel man could see how
my heart is bleeding with neglect
this moment, he'd hafto feel sorry he
was ever this mean to me, but amt
that the way with life, a woman gives
her all and bitches a maybe brilliant
career as salesgirl or water color
painter in favor of housework, and
lookit all the thanks she gets!
X y,
WELL by then said housework was
w all done and the only phone call
had been from Excusit Please, the
party who is always calling the
wrong number. So / says to myself,
well, it is only fair to Geo. to ring
him up and give him Q hint, il l was
to cry a little into the phone he
might realize what he has done to
me, and if he does. why 1 will forgive
him.
SO l put in the call. see, but all
got was that girl who works in his
office and as usual she knew more
a bout my husbands business than I
did, and she says oh Mrs. Jules, Mr..
Jules amt in, he's out on important
business.
And | says well have you got any
idea when he will be back?
And she says | expect him around
two o'clock, is there any message?
Imagine! Just like she was run
ming his whole affairs.
OF course | says no, on account il
Geo. was conner be brute and go
out to lunch when I wanted to speak
to him, on top of all the rest he had
done to me on this day of all in the
365, well, I would let him go, that's
all.
If he wasn't conner recognize our
anniversary, and hadda go chasing
out all over the place lunching with
goodness knows what person, 7 was
Evening star., 1925-02-15
Cooperation for Farmers
Togo Strong Convictions Japanese Thinking Society,"
BY WALLACE IRWIN.


To Editor, The Star, with his 2 Janus
assistants, Mr.. Print & Miss Print:
~ EAREST Sir: The Japanese
Thinking Society, of which
are membership, meet
- last Tusdy pm. in hall above
Nussbaum's Druggery where
we oftenly go with qrt. bottels to fill
prescriptions.
u quite intellectual Japanese
brains was there to do so. Also Hon.
Jumbo Fatomato, Japanese prize
fight, who now attend all publick
meetings so he can sleep away from
the cold. Hon. John Milton Sage,
Japanese heating & plumbing, set
in Hon. Chair. with hammer, looking
quite Charlie Dawes. Among those
presents was me & Nogi Sydney
Katsu, jr.; Arthur Kickahajama, Miss
Mamie Furioki and her bro, Geo
Washington Furioki, who lost his
mind working in a Gin Mfg Co &
are now driving a taXi-cabb.
Fellow Thinkers" commence Hon.
Sago. Question before meeting to-
night are: How to help the Farmer?
Who in this oddience have had any
experience in that lne?"
Il have!" This from Cousin Nogi,
throwing up his hand while stand
nearly days. End Of that time he
fire me like A gun because I merely
planted his beans upside down. How
could | tell which end when there
were no mark on it? Hereafterly /
shall not help any farmer
Pres. Coolidge think quite similar
to you" negotiate Arthur Kickaha-
jana on his feet. "A few weeks of
yore some farmers come to White
House with Help Wanted expression
There they sind Hon. Cal thinking
5-6-3 ratio & scarcely nothing about
corn.
what help can Congress give to
us, Mr.. Pres" require Hon. Farmers
with straw in their voices.
Little If nothing report Hon. CAL
Congress are short-handed already
since so many ducks is going home
lame 1 cannot give you amy help.
But l tell you something I can do
nate to you-something which l sell
domly surrender to anybody. A
speech. This are it:
Fellow farmers he say so, since
commencement of Time nothing have
been done without cooperation. If
you wish make money on farm you
cannot do 1t by magic. If that were
case Hon Houdini could show some
of our poor aggicultorists how to get
out of the hole when Winter comes. No.
Farmer wishing wealth must initiate
turnips-he must grow from the ground
up. Then there Is cooperation. You must
try that. Cooperation do everything. 1t
make Hencry Ford turn them out
fasten than they break up. 1t make
Tammany Hall stick together like
porous plaster. Cooperation You
bet your bootware. What got me
elected? Cooperation. 1t have made
us civilized like we are. 1t have
changed the savage into a chauf-
feur'
X X r
sT NOTICE a great many savages
going into that business" nego-
tiate Geo. Washington Furioki, Jap
anese taxicabber, Yet never before
did / know the reason why"
II We're not speaking gasoline.
much obliged dib Hon. Sago with
hammer. Il say Cooperation
MIR. Chair. if kindly please holla
Evening star., 1925-02-15

Jumbo Fatomato, uprising like 8
strong men. II wish tell my expert
ence also. I had a uncle name of
Ichi Suzi who were a veterinary.
After being kicked in head by a Jap
anese bull he preferred to be a dem
tist-"
What that got to do with Coopera-
tion?" snarrel Mr.. Chair.
Excuse, please" dictate Jumbo.
II thought you said cow-operation.
have some shortage of English
language. What are this Coopera-
tion you speak?"
Cooperation" report Hon. Sage,
ARE very beautiful thing like love &
angel food what work backwards &;
forwards from hand to mouth until
everybody come out ahead"
Are it vertical or horizontal, and
il so, how many letters?" require
sydney Katsu, Jr, who have gone
crazed over those cuss-word puzzles.
Listen with yr eyes wide OPEN
digest John Milton Sago, 'and 1 shall
try make plain this Cooperation.
Suppose ! got something I wish to do
very muchly, thank you, and can
make money from II. You see that!
Well so. Then I tell other men what
I wish do SO we can share the proph-
cts maybe. That are Cooperation.
were II cooperation Wnen non.
Angel Firpo got knock-over from
Hairy Wills?" relate Jumbo Fato-
mato.
Were II Cooperation when England
trade Il of Egypt for a general who
got shot?" negotiate S. Wanda, Jap
anese Boshevik.
Art it Cooperation when Hon.
France ask America for ten G0)
yr moratorium what can be stretched
every yrs?" require Miss Mamie
Furioki.
silence in the courtroom" hoIla
Hon. Sage with knocking hammer.
How you think this Thinking So
ciety can do so when talking so
muchIy? One ID person are pumit-
ted to speak at a time. Therefore
shall do it,"
Cooperation" he dictate. "can be
found in most hummble & disha gree
able family circles. I shall give you
a illustration by Jas Montgomery
Flagg. Suppose SAY Sago.' that
Miss Mamie Furiokis husband wish
sneekaway to Rising Sun Billiard &
Pool Parlor for enjoy slight polka
game which Miss Mamie Furioki do
not enjoy her husband to do. Sippos-
Evening star., 1925-02-15
Family Pride and Unsolved Secret
Are Incidents of Great Romance

his afianced to break the fateful
news to Lord Oxhead.
Gwendoline summoned her courage
for great effort.
Papa" she said, "there Is one other
thing that 1T is fair to tell you. Ed
| wins father is in business"
The earl started from his seat in
blank amaZement.
! I'm business!" he repeated "The
| father of the suitor OF the daughter
of an Oxhead in business. My daugh-
ter the stepdaughter of the grand
father OF my grandson! Are you mad
| girl? 1t is too much, too much!''
But, father" pleaded the beautiful
girl in anguish. hear me. 1t is Ed
| wins Observation-Disclosures Mohegan
! senior-not Edwin himself. Edwin
does nothing-he has never earned
| penny. He is quite unable to sup
port himself. You have only to see
| him to believe it. If it were not for
his great wealth.
Girl said the earl sternly, II care
not for the mans riches. How much
| has he:"
Fifteen million, two hundred and
| fifty thousand dollars, answered
| Gwendoline.
Lord Oxhead leaned his head
, against the mantelpiece. His mint
was in whirl. He was trying to
calculate the yearly interest on SIS.
100000 at Az per cent reduced to
pounds. shillings and pence. 1t was
| bootless. His brain, trained by long
years of high living and plain think
ing. had become too subtle. too refin &c
an instrument for arithmetic.
| x x x
| A T this moment the door opened and
I l.
| earl Gwendoline never forgot what
happened. Through her life the pic
| ture Of it haunted her-her lover up
! right at the door, his fine frank gaze
| fixed inQuiringly on the diamond pin
in her fathers necktie, and he-her
| father-raising from the mantelpiece
face of agonized amazement.
| you! You!" he gasped.
For a moment he stood to his full
height. swaying and cropping in the
air, then fell PROSTATE his full length
upon the floor The lovers rushed to
his aid. Edwin tore open his neck
| cloth and plucked aside his diamond
pin to give him air. But it was too
late. Earl Oxhead had breathed his
last. Life had fed. The earl was
extinct. That is to say, he was dead.
| The reason OF his death was never
known. Had the sight OF Edwin
killed him? It might have. The old
family doctor, hurriedly summoned
declared his utter ignorance. This
| too, was likely. Edwin himself could
explain nothing. But 1t was observed
1 that after the earrs death and his
marriage with Gwendoline he was a
| changed mamie dressed better
| talked much better English.
| The wedding itself was rquiet, al
most sad. At Gwendoline's request
there was no wedding breakfast, no
bridesmaids and no reception, while
Edwin, respecting his brides be-
reavement, insisted that there should
be no best man, no flowers, no pres
ents and no honeymoon.
Thus Lord Oxhead's secret died with
him. It was probably too compli-
Gated to be interesting. anyway.
Copyright, 1881
Evening star., 1925-02-15

ing Hon. Husband give eye-wink to
Sydney Katsu Jr who enrush to a tele-
fone for call up Hon. Husband to say
deceptively he wish him come down.
town with immediate quickness for
meet President of the International
Air Gun Co & buy stocks. You see
that? That would be Cooperation"
Would not" snarrel Mamie Furioki
like mad eagle.
HVNHAT would it be, ask TO
w know?" require Hon. Sage.
"Umpossible" report Miss Mamie
resting her elbow on head of her
husband, who was there to say moth
ing, as usual. "Moreoverly," she
corrode, because you are big
strong man and / are nothing but a
poor little Feminist, ] thank you not
Cooperation are. I know 1t from my
own eyesight. 1t are plot to keeI
Woman scrushed under the heel & Il
sole of Man. But time will come
when we shall Geese to be your
Slaves. Set down. She say that
to her Husband who attempt rise up
but could not do. thank you. because
his knock was too bent)
That are a very fine oratorio you
spoke report Hon. Chair, and l vote
it be put under the table until next
meeting when Question to be dis
cussed will be: Are Pebble Minded
ness a Disease or a Luxury? But we
are here tonight to settle something
deliciously difficult. What Can We
Do to Help the Farmer? Hon Cool
idge. who come from Massachusetts
where cabbages are grown in stone
quarries. say the Farmers need CO.
operation. Therefore We shall limit
this discussing % Cooperation among
Farmers
with who should Hon. Farmer CO.
operate, if anybody l asked to
know, standing on my shoes.
with Govt" negotiate Hon. Sage.
How he do that?" are next Ques.
tion for me-
well. them oppose Sage. Il tel
you. Sipposing ] was a strawseed
wishing grow euckumbers. Instid OF
planting seeds ignorally in ground
like used TO do ] would firstly write
to Sec. of Agriculture to know If the
Govt was behind me or not. At lastly
about July 4, Sec of Agg would write
back say. Yes. Dear sir, Govt are in
deedly behind you What then I do:
Evening star., 1925-02-15
Paper Barrels.

WINDING barrels from a roll Of
w tough '..chipboard" paper Is ac-
complished on machine consisting
of g. cylinder, cut in two parts, which
may be drawn apart on the axle to
produce different lengths. The paper,
passing through tension rollers and
an notwithstanding device, is wound
for a predetermined number of layers,
then a Sitting wheel divides the
paper, the cylinder halves are drawn
apart, and an additional thickness of
paper wound on in the center to pro-
vide the bilge.
Evening star., 1925-02-15

through! Through with just what
I didn't stop to figure out, but 1 had
that through feeling with only one
exception, that / couldn't never erase
him from my affection. 1 would love
him in heart broken silence forever.
Well, 1 ate up a little bit of lunch,
emotion always did get me terrible
hungry, and after ] had got my
strength back through a little food
such as u a cold chicken and some
bread and jam of the top of the
Ice box, why felt able to go on be-
ing miserable while longer, but 1
was by now more sensible.
So 1 set myself down and l says
to myself now lookit here Jennie
Jules, no matter how bad Geo. treats
you and neglects you and shows
plain, as he has today. that he don't
care nothing more about you. why
that is no reason why YOU should do
the same, and you simply got to
make him love you if you have TO use
force, Probably the best thing is for
you to go into town and drop into
the office and give Geo. one more
chanst to prove hisself guilty
WELL, naturally when l got that
the outside of same and beat it for
the city.
All the way in ! thought perhaps I
might just as well put end to all
my misery by an overdose of ice
cream sodas, or something. But by
the time l reached the elevator of his
Office building I come TO the con-
clusion maybe 1t was better to give
him a lead, the same as il 1T was
Merry Christmas or my birthday, and
he might hold out a ray of hope or
a ten dollar bill, or something. to
make a persons heart feel little
less broke.
Well, when | come into the ONCE,
there was Geo. at his desk, and he
says why hello, what on earth
brought you into town?
And l says the train, same as usual.
And then he says can / do some
thing for you, I'm awful busy today?
And SO | says sadly, no I guess
after all there is nothing you can do.
Then he asst what train would ]
take out, and 1 snapped back and says
whichever one took me. l wasn't a
railroad.
And then he says well I'm sorry
you're sore, run along now, that's
Evening star., 1925-02-15
RY RING LARDNER.

To the editor: I suppose they's
other people in the world be-
sides myself who has got
children though I guess !
have probably got more than
| anybody else, at lease it looks that
way judgeing by the Christmas bills,
| but any ways pretty near all of US is
| interested in kiddies or pretend like
we are so when subject comes up
| that refers to kiddis and etc. Why it
! looks to me like it was worth dis
gusting in the public prints.
The subject which / got in mind to-
| day was called to my tension by she
who opens my mail and amongst
! same was a letter sent out by a pub
| fishing firm advertising a book on
| the right job. The idear is that the
most of us start picking out our
children's life work or our own life
work a long vile before We know
what we or they is going to be fitted
for and the result is that the ma
| jority of people when they are
growed up meets with failure in life
| lust because they have chose or
| somebody has chose for them voca- :
| ton or occupation which they ain't
no more fitted for than any one of a
number of rabbits.
| Like for inst. suppose you have got
a daughter and you amt very well
! fixed for dough and if the gal grows
up to look like either of her parents
why she amt libel to ever grab her
| self a help meet unless same is blind
| or off his nut, so it is a pretty safe
] bet that she will have the choice Of
| earning her living or enjoying per-
manent Lent, well suppose when sh !
is still IL or 13 yrs. of age you de-
| eide to educate her for a chiropodist
| and she studies and studies but amt
got no knack for same and finely she
opens up shop and in comes a Gus
| toner and our heroine Is so nervous
| that she cuts off the customer IS
wrong toe, why it is libel to result in
murder or Jail or dismissal from the
more exclusive corn and callous clubs.
| Where as if the gal had been ex-
! amined when young by expert, why
| she might of win a big success IN
some employment for whicn she had
\ a special talent like say gate tender
| at a grade crossing on the Nickel
| Plate
THAT is a sample of what may hap
pen in cases where the parents
don't make no effort to judge what
| their offsprings is capable of, but it
amt much better when parents docs
attempt to SO judge and their judg-
\ ment turns out to be terrible on
acct. of not knowing how to read the
signs. A incidence of this kind might
occur where a pair of parents had a
Is yr. old son who all he lid all day
was go around hurting people and
| trying to make them cry and the
parents might think to themselves
| well Johnny should ought to be ed
| pcatad a nrjZa fiQhtpr soldier
and they would send him to either
| Kid Howard's boxing seminary or the
Peekskill Military Academy to gain
technical knowledge of which ever
profession they picked out tor him,
| where as il specialist had examined
him they would Of knew he was cut
out for leader amongst dentiste.
Evening star., 1925-02-15
by STEPHEN LEACOCK.


TT was finished. Ruin had come.
Lord OXhead sat gazing fixedly at
the library fire. without, the
wind soughed Cor sogged) around
the turrets of Oxhead Towers
the seat of the Oxhead family. But
the old earl needed not the sogging
of the wind around his seat. He was
too absorbed.
Before him lay pile of blue pa
pers with printed headings. From time
to time he turned them over in his
hands and replaced them on the table
with a groan. To the earl they meant
ruin-absolute. irretrievable ruin, and
with il the loss of his stately home that
had been the pride of the Oxheads for
generations. More than that-the world
would now know the awful secret of his
life.
The earl bowed his head in the bit
terness of his sorrow, for he came of
a proud stock. About him hung the
portraits of his ancestors. Here on the
right an Oxhead who had broken his
lance at Crecy, or Immediately before it.
There McWhinnie Oxhead, who had
ridden madly from the stricken field of
F'lodden to bring to the affrighted
burghers of Edinburgh all the tidings
that he had been able to gather in pass
Ing the battlefield. Then to the right
head, who had fought with Wellington
in Spain. and been dismissed for it.
Immediately before the earl as he sat
was the family escutcheon emblazoned
above the mantelpiece. A child might
read the simplicity of its proud signifi-
cance-an OK rampant quartered in
field of gules with pike dexter and
dog Intermittent in a plain parallelo-
gram right center, with the motto,
'Hic, haec, hoe. hujus, hujus, hujus."
x * X
NEATHER"-The girls voice rang
clear through the half light Of the
wainscoted d library. Gwendoline Oxhead
had thrown herself about the earis
neck. The girl was radiant with hap
piness Gwendoline was a beautiful girl
OF 33, typical English in the freshness
of her girlish innocence.
She bore herself with that sweet SIM
plicty which was her greatest charm.
She was probably more simple than any
girl of her age for miles around.
Father" she said, blush mantling
her fair face, Il am so happy, oh, SO
happy; Edwin has asked me to be his
wife, and We have plighted our troth--
at least If you consent. For I will
never marry without my fathers war;
rant" she added, raising her head
proudly; II am too much of an Oxhead
for that
Then as she gazed into the old
earrs stricken face the girls mood
changed at once.
Father" she cried father. are you
I'll? What is It? Shall | ring?''
AS she spoke, Gwendoline reached
for the heavy bell rope that hung be-
side the wall but the earl, fearful
that her frenzied efforts might actu-
ally make it ring. checked her hand.
II am indeed deeply troubled" said
Lord Oxhead, but of that anon. Tell
me first what is this news you bring.
I hope, Gwendoline, that your choice
has been worthy of an Oxhead, and
that he to whom you have plighted
your troth will be worthy to bear our
motto with his own"
Evening star., 1925-02-15

woman to let on. SO / merely says
whatter you talking about. i says.
And then Geo. says. well, old lady,
this is our wedding anniversary, it's
pity you wouldn't think about them
things once in a while and me spend
ing my whole lunch hour picking out
wrist watch for you. he says.
Hot Bozo. maybe | didn't feel good,
then, and by no means on account OF
the watch, neither.
But we ladies has got to keep up
our feminine mystery IL we want to
do anything with our men.
So says why George, how perfectly
grand of you-d'you know, dear, |
been so busy all day, l pretty near
forgot,
(convrirht 1Qc5