davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-04-19
KNOW JUST ORDINARY THINGS ANYBODY WOULD HAVE"

| kind of powder foundation do YOU
| use, dear? It's Staccato may Non
| Troppo, says Mabel. Is that so dear,
1 thought it was granite, says Mrs.
| Goofnah.
| Oh. I know a good wrinkle prep
| aration, says. it's perfectly wonder
! full. especially for people who amt
begun to wrinkle yet. Well, says Mrs.
| Goofnah, l personally myself don't
believe a woman should make up
| much. and looking her right in the
rouge, / says, make up what dear
statements?
Well. with her standing there need
ing nothing to complete the job ex
cept coat of varnish, a person would
| naturally expect that she would blush
or something and maybe she did. il
wasn't possible to tell. But she never
even batted one of her artificial eye
lasheS.
What l mean is. she says, you bet
| ter take my advice my dear. and use
every art the manufacturers has pro-
vided, the men like the younger
women. OF course l don't know from
personal experience yet, she says, but
when l do need fixing up a bit, why
/ am conner do SO.
Well. l walked home from that So
cial gathering and all the way l kept
thinking "nere George, that S my
husband, certainly was right when he
claimed a woman was better looking
wearing the face she was born with
instead of trying to make a new one
for herself. Those old girls certainly
did look terrible, pretty near any of
them, and 1 determined to resign in
advance from any chance of ever
becoming a member of the Senior
Housewives Painting Union.
l figured that just as quick as I
reached home I would throw away
my few little aids to beauty. l not
having much, merely some lime
crushed lemon face restorer. a few
dozen jars of creams, a small but
select collection of face powders, eye
brow mowers, stencils, pencils, and a
few boxes of rouge in different shades
for shopping, evening, golf. swim
ming, and etc you know, just the
ordinary things any lady would have
And l would get rid of 'em all, may
be sell them or see could 1 use them
some useful way, such as for re-
decorating the parlor or creaming
Juniors school shoes. And under no
circumstances would ever allow my
Evening star., 1925-04-19
Building of Home for $4.90 Is Described
By One Who Has Followed the Best Models

about 90 feet long. Out of these 1
made the joints, the studding, the
partitions, rafters and so on. which
formed the frame of the house.
Putting up the house took prac-
tically the whole morning. Beryl,
who had slipped on a potato bag over
her dress, assisted me by holding up
the side of the house while 1 nailed
on the top.
BY the end of the afternoon we
had completed the sides of our house,
which we made out of old newspaper
soaked in glue and rolled fiat. The
next day we put on the roof, which
was made of tin cans cut open and
pounded out fat.
For our hardwood floors, mantels.
etc, we were fortunate in finding a
pile of hardwood on a neighboring
lot, which had apparently been over
looked and which we carried over
proudly to our bungalow after dark.
That same night we carried over
jubilantly some rustic furniture
which we had found, quite neglected,
lying in a nearby cottage, the lock
of which, oddly enough, was opened
quite easily with the key of Beryl's
suit case.
The rest of our furniture-plain
tables, dressers, etc.-I was able to
make from ordinary pine lumber,
which / obtained by knocking down
board fence upon an adjacent lot.
In short. the reader is able to picture
our bungalow after a week of labor,
complete in every respect and only
awaiting our occupants on the next
day.
Seated that evening in our boarding
house, with Beryl coiled around me, l
n nH IF M a
prise-including ground site. lumber,
derricks. cranes, glue, string, tin
tacks and other materials-at $3.50.
In return for it we had a pretty
seven-roomed house. artistic in every
respect, with living-room, bedrooms,
a boudoir, den, snuggery, a dog
gery-in short, the bungalow of which
SO many young people have dreamed.
u X r y
CEATED together that evening,
~ Beryl and 1 were full of plans
for the future. We both have a
passionate love of animals, and, like
all country-bred people, longing for
the life of a farm. So we had long
since decided to keep poultry. We
planned to begin in small way and
had brought home that evening from
the 15-cent store a day-old chicken,
SOCH oo al iiO" 30 WluSly SOiu.
We put him in a basket beside the
radiator in a little flannel coat that
Beryl had made for him and we fed
him with a warm mash made of
breakfast food and gravel. Our
printed directions that we got with
him told US that a fowl eats two
ounces of grain per day and on that
should lay five eggs in a week. 1
was easily able to prove to Beryl, by
little plain arithmetic, that If we
fed this fellow 4 ounces a day he
would lay 10 eggs in week, or at
s ounces per day he would lay 20
eggs in a week.
Beryl, who was seized at once with
characteristic fit of enthusiasm,
suggested that we stick 16 ounces q
day into him and begin right now. I
. had to remind her lauShingly that
Evening star., 1925-04-19
Kindness Fails in Handling Rat Family,
So Drastic Methods Are Used by Lardner

the hammer. But it turned out that
rats won't touch pie since what the
pied piper done to their grandparents.
and the only casualty resulting from
the above plot was a harmless little
member of the feline species.
Not only that but when 1 and the
madam returned last month from our
sojourn in the sunny southland as 1t
has been aptly styled we was told by
Ida and others that the rats had in
creased in population more than
Miami and Los Angeles combined and
this we was able to believe that same
evening when they begun to resume
their night life and we could hear
them in the walls hurrying to the
various rodent supper clubs.
Well little thing like rats making
noise in the walls was not going to
bother a man like 1 a specially when
I could drowned them out with the
radio or any one of my Vulnerable
wind instruments. But one night
seen one of them in the master bed
room as the master was preparing for
bed and having been broughten up
modest I thought 1t was about time
TO protest.
Rat" I said, 'I know you are hid
ing somewheres within ear shot and
want to appeal to your better ma.
ture and ask you and your friends
and relatives to get out of here and
move TO Bayside or somewheres as I
have all ready got enough OF a family
to feed without YOU fellows, to say
nothing OF the housing problem. I
don't want to be tough on rats or
anybody else but things has reached
pit. where either YOU or the Lard
ners has got to leave Great Neck and
as we was here first I hope you will
take the hint
MEAN vile 1 was riding into N Y.
AVA city one day and seen a big ad
of a exterminator company which
promised to clean out rats and other
young visitors in 4 hrs. so I wrote
down the phone number and waited
developments, but the days and
nights went by and they was reports
coming in every few minutes from
different members OF the household
that he or she had just saw another
big rat and speaking about big rats,
did anybody ever hear Of anybody else
seeing a small rat, but any way that
was the way matters was when
things happened that forced me to
action.
One of the pieces Of furniture in
my room is portable typewriter
which you can carry 1t around with
you when you are travelling and 1t
makes it look like you have got lot
of baggage. Well these here portable
typewriters always have key that
you can lock them up with for fear
somebody would steal one of your
idears and the key is always tied onto
the handle of the typewriter case
with a ribbon.
Well. one day I found the key lay
ing on the floor. A rat had chewed
the ribbon in probably In effort
to unlock the typewrite~ and maybe
write me a insulting letter in answer
to my appeal, but had been frightened
off just as they was going to insert
the key in the lock.
Now if they's one thing I don't
like 1t is for somebody else to use
my typewriter specially a rat. And
on this same day Miss June Walker
Evening star., 1925-04-19

at ounces a day the fellow would
probably be working up TO capacity
and carrying what we call in business
his peak load. THE essential factor
in modern business" / told her. lis to
load yourself up to the peak and stay
there
In short, there was no end to our
rosy dreams. In our fancy we saw
ourselves in our bungalow, surround
ed by hens. bees, cows and dogs. with
hogs and goats nesting against our
feet. Unfortunately our dreams were
destined to be shattered.
Up to this point our experience with
building our bungalow had followed
along after all the best models, and
had even eclipsed them. But from
now on we met a series Of disasters of
which we had no warning. 1t is a
pity that 1 cannot leave our story at
this point.
On arriving at our bungalow next
day we found notices posted up for
bidding all trespassers and two sour
looking men in possession. We learn
ed that our title to the ground site
was worthless, as the man from whom
we had bought it had been apparently
mere passer-by. 1t appeared also
that a neighboring contractor was
use of his material. 1t was divulged
further that we had been mistaken in
thinking that we had taken our rustic
furniture from an empty cottage.
There were people living in 1t, but
they happened to be asleep when
Beryl moved the furniture.
AS for our hen-there is no doubt
that keeping fowls is enormously
profitable. 1t must be so, when one
considers the millions of eggs con-
sumed every day. But II demands an
unremitting attention and, above all
memory. If you own a hen you
must never forget it--you must keep
on saying to yourself-"How is my
Jhen?" This was our trouble. Beryi
and / were SO preoccupied with our
accumulated disaster that we left our
one-day-old chick behind the radiator
and never thought of him for three
weeks. He was then gone. We prefer
to think that he few away.
Copyright, 19aJ.)
Evening star., 1925-04-19

the actress accepted a invitation to
come to dinner and my admires prob
ably is aware, she is about as big
as an aspirin tablet, so I was scared
that If we didn't watch her all the
time one of the rodents might walk
off with her and we would be in wrong
with Equity.
x = 4
Go called up the exterminators and
~ sure enough one Of them showed
up right away and smeared all the
cracks and crannies with the stuff
that spells disaster to rats and
bet when they rushed out of the
house in search OF water they wished
they had went when I first warned
them and not waited for such a cold
miserable day.
Other news of our town is that the
new station has now been in use for
several weeks and it might be said
that II wasn't built any too soon.
However II is a very handsome edifice
and they have got a big bulletin
board in the waiting room and as our
line is just a suburban line and the
trains is always on time you might
say, why they amt no sense in post
ing them UP on the board and II has
Evening star., 1925-04-19

been suggested that the board be
used to post the names of who all Is
going on the next train so es you
will know whether that is the train
you want to take or not
l got 2 letters in the mail the other
day and one of them was from a man
in Philly who said he had a great
title for story and if I would send
him some nominal sum like $50. 90
for inst why he would tell me the
title and then ] could write the story.
1 did not reply to this big hearted
stranger but 1 did answer a letter
from a nature society asking me to
become life member of same which
would only cost me a $1,000. l told
them / was already supporting a par
rot in the style to which it had been
accustomed and felt like this was all
I could afford to do at this time for
the genus bird.
Evening star., 1925-04-19
WEARING TuRBAN

Where she get all this sinfulness
FROM" corrode Arthur.
From America. as usual / otter.
America start everything & Europe
use it when IL are finished. Observe
airplanes. Wright Bros. commence il
America forget il, Europe use it. Look
at Leg of Nations. Pres. Wilson first
manufacture it, Congress chase il
away to Switzerland, Europe keep il
and make it run. Look at cocktails
America teach England how to shook
them up, then pass law so that no
body can get them unless he know
good prohibition officer. Same way
with scandals & divorces. America
invented them & let them get away TO
Europe where they are now so i'm
proved you would hardly know them
for the originile.
Poor Arthur, From this his face fell
down so far I could hear il bump.
Hear the way Hon. Charley Dawes
talk to Congress, he Club. That are
no fit langwidge for growing chill
dren to hear
IF you will read English novels" /
dictate, you Will find that Charley
Dawes are merely in his infancy. In
those pages every lady talk like a
vice-president. Dammit, ole skeleton.
gimme cigareet with a little NOR has
heeSh In 1t. said the DutcheSs. walk
ing into the ballroom on her hands
Page !. Oh no, Arthur. l shall not
wish see yr Bride in such surround
ings. She might meet Michael Arlen."
No none Arthur.
Yes Erone me.
With those words he threw his
hands right into his pocket & walk
cross TO where Miss Mamie Furioki
stand in lace eating some more cake.
Miss Mamie" he gollup, will you
excuse me Il hour before starting on
our honeyspoon?"
But, doiling," she hang out. why
you walk off now when all our lag
gage are packed for London, Eng?"
II go to change my tickets he re
vamp.
20, To where?" she turmp.
ITO Hollywood" he evaporate and
walk away full of adjeCtives.
Hoping YOU are the same,
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
Copyright. 1927
Evening star., 1925-04-19

Cricket, brave hunters & dumestick
purity. In England they have no
crimes & newspapers have to print
Help Wanted Advising on front page
because there is no scandals to talk
about"
who informed you about all this
information" l squiZz.
"A Englishman," dictate Arthur. "I
met him in drug store yertdy cum
planning because there was not enough
gin in his soda water. He say that
Americans is all hippocrites. He say
American are only fit for two (2) kinds
of Englishers-Rum Runners & Nov
elites. He ask me to look at Teapot
Dome, If possible. Also he like to
know what will happen to a country
where you cannot pick up a news
paper without getting a divorce all
over the front page? There are no
divorces in English newspapers, he
say So"
Arthur" l corrode softishly, you
know why there are no divorces in
English news prints?"
II are helpless to reply" he tell.
Then I inform you" This from me-
"All English divorces gets in Ameri-
can news-prints first. English jour
nails is very high & purified. They
could not dare tell England what Eng
lishmen are doing because this would
make everybody blush too mush. If
you really wish learn about what hap
pen on that Island you must read
novels, or else subscribe 10 American
papers
x X
A RTHUR look sort of ziz-zagged to
where he see his Bride eating up
some more ice cream, then he inquire
in hushy wisper like husband. What
are they doing, please?"
"Perhapsly you have not heard
about Dennistoun case?" I inform.
What grand of whisky are that"
he nudge wicked.
"It is not whisky" I divulge. 1T
are a divorce
"a divorce in England ? ?' he
gosp.
Yes & plenty" I narrate. Every
body of importance have been dragged
into it. including Hon. Tut Ank-Amen
who will soonly be unlocked & shipped
to England so he can testify.
Evening star., 1925-04-19

Maybe you did not heard about
that Mr.. Y case? Not so?"
What are that" He snagger faint.
Arthur, what do you read, if any
thing?" I ask it.
"The EmbaImer's Guide & Trade
Jrnl.," he deplete.
Even there they should mention
Mr.. x for make funerals more lively,
say So" You know who this Mr.. X
were? He were the black colored king
from India what come to London mere
ly to get dissipated. Without knowing
nothing about the wicked world he look
around wishing to deceive his twelve
az anxus brides at home. Pretty
soonly he meet a very Society lady
who deliver some pretty mean eye
winks. L love you so that 1 could
wear VT royal pearls she pronounce
with Romeo expression. This seem
satisfactory.
so lust when that Mr.. Y had took
lb ruby out of his turban what
happen then? Her Husband. by golly,
He Just come in axidently because she
had talefoned TO him. 'Burster of
home" he holla, you have broke my
heart with VT burnt complexion &
winning ways. Therefore I will let
you go without telling yr IL wives if
YOU will pay me 2,00O, 600, ,0eo ,o00s be-
Otherwisely 1 shall get reel angry
with you Therefore Mr.. y ran away
& spoke TO a police"
x x x x
"GosH E s. mummer Arthur,
What nationality were this
King"
Oriental" ] succeed.
II are Oriental too he 81 & grone.
You think they would watch me
| when l arrive 10 town."
"Undoubtlessly," I report. You are
not very hanson to look at. But If
you should get off at Charing Cross
Station wearing a turban Tor boudoir
cap) bat 2Sc you would be stopped
by Is love-bandits before you walked
s # down the Strand. Since the War
England have got 50 wicked that
Apatches is coming over from Paris
to learn new styles
Evening star., 1925-04-19

I checked over Beryl's arithmetic
twice and found it strictly correct.
y y x y
NEXT morning we commenced
work in earnest. While Beryl
cleared away the cans and litter 1
set to work with spade and shovel
eXcavating our cellar and digging out
the foundations. And here I must ad-
nit that | had no light task. l can
only warn those who wish to follow
in our footsteps that they must be
prepared to face hard work.
Owing perhaps to my inexperience,
it took me the whole of the morning
to dig out a cellar 40 feet long and
90 feet wide. Beryl, who had mean
time cleaned up the lot. stacked the
lumber, lifted away the stones and
planted 80 yards of hedge, was in
clined to be a little impatient. But
I reminded her that a contractor
working with a gang of men and
two or three teams of horses would
have taken a whole week to do what
l did in one morning.
I admitted that my work was not
equal to the best records as related
in the weekly home journals. where
I have often computed that they
move 100000 cubic feet of earth in
one paragraph, but at least I was
doing my best. Beryl, whose disap-
pointment never lasts, was all smiles
again in moment, and rewarded me
by throwing herself around my neck
and giving me a hug.
That afternoon / gathered up all
the big stones and built them into
walls around the cellar, with partition
walls across it, dividing it into rooms
and compartments. I leveled the
floor and packed it tight with sand
and gravel and dug a drain 10 feet
deep from the cellar to the gully
about 80 feet away.
There being still a good hour or
so of daylight left, I dug a cistern
feet wide and 20 feet deep. I was
looking around for something more to
dig by moonlight. but Beryl put her
foot down ton my head While | was
Evening star., 1925-04-19

she was saying why hello my dear, I
was looking at her hair which was q
lovely shade of perfectly dark black.
Wen, She says, what have you been
doing lately?
And I says well, to tell the truth.
most of the while l have been parking
long outside the time limit in front of
my mirror, on account l find l am
getting a few grey hairs, our family
was always prematurely gray but I
can't make up my mind whether to
dye it or leave it get grey, and she
says oh dye it, my dear, who will ever
know the difference, and think of how
much younger you will look.
Well, if Mrs. Goofnah thought that
her personal demonstration was evil
dence, why 1 felt it was just as we'll
to leave her enjoy the comfort of
believing that nobody but her and the
feller who sends it along in plain,
sealed packages knew her hair was
dyed.
Also. the shade of rouge she was
wearing didn't take as much off her
age as it did off her dressing table.
and l commenced wondering If I
would ever look like that and decided
that rather than do so l would actually
go around in my plain face and run
the chance of taking cold.
Wen, / dunno, but it's a fact, birds
of a feather go around in the same
set. and it certainly seemed like pretty
near every lady at that tea was what
is generally advt. TO be well preserved,
meaning that they was canned
peaches, so to speak, not quite the
same as the fresh picked fruit, but
not bad at that, although all of them
pretty much the same flavor.
For a sample, Miss Demeanor and
that Mabel Bush was talking and
Mabel says, what reducing cream do
you use, dear, and Miss Demeanor says
why I thought cream was fattening. l
didn't know it would reduce you, but
have you tried banana peels and abso-
lutely nothing else? That diet will re-
duce you wonderfully, if you don't
slip off it. And Mabel says that must
be something like these new reducing
rolling pins, l bet they work, and l
says yes. nobody would ever over eat
on them.
K x x X
WELL, says Mrs. Goofnah, who
come up, how are you Mrs.
Bush, you look just wonderful, what
Evening star., 1925-04-19

in the drain) and forbade me to work
any more for fear l might be
fatigued.
Next morning we were able to be-
gin our building in good earnest. On
our way we stopped at the 15-cent
store for necessary supplies, and
bought one hammer, Is cents; a saw
10 cents; half a gallon of nails, 10
cents: a crane, Is cents; derrick for
hoisting, 10 cents, and a needle and
thread, for sewing on the roof, 15
cents.
AS advice to young builders,
may say that I doubt if we were
quite wise in all our purchases. The
15-cent derrick is too light for the
work, and the extra expenditure for
the heavier kind the 25-cent crane)
would have been justified. The diff
ference in cost is only approximately
10 cents, and the efficiency of the big
crane is far greater.
On arriving at our ground we were
delighted to find that our masonry
was well set and the walls firm and
solid, while the catalpa trees were
rapidly. We set to work at once to
build in earnest.
X =
WE had already decided to utilize
for our bungalow the waste ma
terial which lay on our lot. l drew
BeryPs attention to the fact that II
a proper use were made of the ma
terial wasted in building there would
be no need to buy any material at
all. THE elimination of waste" 1 eX-
planned, "by the utilization of all by
products before they have time to go
by. is the central principle of modern
industrial organization
But, observing that Beryl had
ceased to listen to me, I drew on my
carpenters apron, which I had made
out Of a. piece Of tar paper, and set
to work. My first care was TO gather
up all the loose lumber that lay upon
and around our ground site andzsnx
Evening star., 1925-04-19

self to look like one of them old Jazz
bellies
Well, when I come in, George WASH t
home yet, only Junior, SO this give me
time to go take a look at the above
mentioned art collection a little, and
then l commenced to wonder just
what to do getting rid of that stuff.
Because If the neighbors was ever to
see me putting il in the ash can why
IL would be all over town in no time
that I used makeup.
Then quite TO the other hand, IL
put IL upon the top shelf some place,
undoubtedly Junior would find II and
maybe eat a few samples, you never
can tell. There didn't seem TO be no
place to store the junk, and so
thought oh well, there is really no
hurry, leave it lay while.
THEN I went in the bathroom and
give my face one of the best
washings it had been give since
mother used the washraG on me. Con-
sidering how long it had been since
had used anything but a cleansing
cream on it, it's wonder my face
didn't shrink. But it didn't, it shone
instead. However, 1 knew that was
natural, and my appearance was now
exactly what Geo. was all the time
picking on me to be.
But someways this didn't give me a
real enthusiastic thrill like ] expected.
If George really wants 1t, / thought,
way l guess / can stand it. Anyways,
I decided I would go through with the
trial in spite of the evidence.
Well, just about this time a car
turned into the block and I knew
right away II was our flivver on ac-
count ours has the asthma, while the
one belonging to the folks next door
has the audible rheumatism or some
thing. And as Geo. put the Lizzy into
the garage, I couldn't stand the strain
no more. I dashed on a bunch of face
powder. a little lip stick and few
pounds of rouge. tucked my gray
hairs out of sight, and run down to
welcome him.
Well, well, says he when he seen
me, you sure do look sweet tonight.
Jennie, as fresh as a rose. and you
amt got any makeup on either, have
you?
Well, what is a poor girl conner do