davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-03-22

reason you wish change Smith to
Schmitz?"
so that people will know I are an
American" dictate Hon. Smith. "So
many persons comes to my druggery
G. when they see my name Smith they
think / peculious man OF foren ex-
tract"
0uERE are your ticket, Mr
IL Schmitz," say Judge. And who
are nextly on the program"
Here I are. Judge" holla one
italian man OF fruit expression. my
original name are Antonio Rigoletto
run fruit, grocery & bootleg store
corner 4th Ave. & Oyster Street.
shall not keep you waiting for in
formation. I wish change my name
quickly 10 Christopher Columbus. I.
that name disgusts you Leonardo ds
Ninci will do just as nice. But please
make change quickly"
For why you SO hastey about ftp
require Honor.
Because thus. I are married man
My wife she got Uncle Cosimo who
come see me every year for stay until
next year & while they drink all my
illegal whiskey, chaw my best ban.
nannas & tell me how I make a mis-.
take by not voting for VIM. Jenny
Bryan. Then he will bora my shoes
to go TO wedding & not comeback till
still drunker. I must change my
name rapidly before he encroact
again next Satdy."
why for that you wish change
your maiden manner" require Hon
Judge with pity on his eyes.
"Ah, cannot Honor unstand?" de-
compose this Antonio. When Cncl,
Cosimo come next Satdy he will lool
at my sign & find Christopher Colum
bus there. Then he will know 1 ar,
moved away"
But Suppose he go inside, wish &c
| talk to Christopher Columbus?" re-
quire Judge.
"Ah! 20 collapse Hon. Italy. How
could he talk to gentleman what have
been dead 400 yrs?"
Il wish see all married men sue
ceed, howeverly criminal they are
snagger Hon. Honor "Yr name are
thereby changed to Christopher Co.
lumbus. If you dishcover anything
hope you Will come back & tell me-"
Then he look at me with black
board eyes!
What required II anything?' he
nudge with cross eyebrows.
II wish change name, IL conve-
nient," commence.
II did not think objects like you
had name" he Club. What name
you wish, them"
What names have your I ques-
tionnaire
Evening star., 1925-03-22

OF State has he got any beard, but
maybe he will be able to grow one
before the next one Of them peaceful
affairs, on account I understand
where II Is customary for all the
delegates TO wear nice long hushy
ones in order TO have something to
grab hold of when the fight starts.
But maybe by not growing a beard
he will win out all the easier
Then of course another bunch of
correspondence the poor feller has to
keep up with is South America and
that wouldn't be so bad If only he
could be sure of the right addresses.
The way l understand it, while he
is writing a note to the President of
Chiliconcarne and commencing Dear
Al, why things Is changing, and by
the time the letter gets there II
should of been Dear Bill, or some
thing. Hot Bozo, some red hot
changes! I suppose 1t comes of eat
Ing tamales.
OF course Mexico being nearer, why
the Sec. can keep tabs on that
place easier. And anyways. all he has
got to do Is get the Sec OF War TO
send acrost one Of the bridges onct
In q while and capture few oil p!-
rates or Mexican hat wearers, and he
will be sure to have done the right
thing in either case, except from thu
point OF view Of the ones he has
caught.
Also he has got to make sure that
the natives don't grow no hair on
them little dogs they make spe-
cialty of, on account II they ever did
It would start a awful fight on the
part Of a lot OF American ladies who
carry said dogs around.
! can see where It certainly amt
no snap for the Sec. having to learn
how to tell the Bandits from the wild
Flowers down in drear old Mexico
where the cactus and the cactus bios
SONS grow. Hot Bozo! Why he prob
ably practices on the casttnettes
every morning, in connection with his
usual daily dozen, in order to get
himself into the proper feeling for
his relations with Mexico.
Well anyways I know one thing
sure, that If Geo. was ever to get ap-
pointed Secretary OF State, he would
never hold the job two days, on ac-
count of the Japanese situation
George couldn't no more learn to
write Japanese than I could learn to
knit bath tubs. And once in a while
the Sec of State must certainly have
to write 'em a few lines TO Japan,
even II It Is only TO say keep your
kimonos on, boys" which is, I sup
pose the same as when we say keep
your shirt on, over here.
When 1 think OF that poor Secre-
tary Kellogg sitting up late nights
Evening star., 1925-03-22

| toiling away at learning to write
Japanese instead of striving with par
chest or pinochle or cold hands or
something he enjoys, I fell real sad.
But then a real Secretary's Job amt
no light matter, as have often heard
Miss Dherstep, Secretary OF our La
dies Thursday Club, remark.
Still, the Japanese are a wonderful
| little people and they will probably
make out what Sec. Kellogg writes,
even before he has learned 10 do IL 30
very good. And II they don't under
stand II, why then they will undoubt-
edly answer him in such fancy writ
Ing that he can't possibly understand
bit of what they are saying, either,
and so Diplomacy will be perfectly
satisfied all around.
With China, now, things must be a
good deal like a com Animation of South
Am. and Japan, on account a Secre-
tary OF State don't know from min
ute 10 minute who to address nor how
to write the letter.
X X
CEN. R1CESUPPLY may be the boss
~ one minute and then Chop Suey,
the all-hot of the day, invites him
to tea and to bring along his battle
ak, and zowie! Gen. Supply is cut
off, and it's time for the great high
dishonorable liberator or elevator
or something, George T. Chow Mein.
Esq. to have 'em all playing ring
around Shanghai and poor dear
Mr.. Kellogg don't really know wheth-
er to address his note to the battle
of Nah Jong or care Of the City OF
the Dead, Canton.
The worse part of Keeping up with
the Chinese revolutions must be re-
membering the monikers the gener-
ais have and the names Of the places
they are lighting for. Believe you
me, should think Secretary Kellogg
would have to go get some chink
laundryman to come in and help him
on that.
But no, that amt so good neither,
I don't believe. after the time one
in our town named Charlie Lee
couldn't remember what he had done
with Georges other dress shirt. In
fact, he couldn't seem TO remember
ever having had 1t at ALL when I
had took Il there in person. II set
US back smakers and a half, that
Charles loss OF memory as well as
of the shirt did, and maybe the Sec
retary OF State has had the same ex-
pertence and would rather rely on
the newspapers.
Well anyways I guess Mr.. Kellogg
has got few things to be thankful
for. He don't have TO hammer out
pictures on any stones to tell King
Tut that If the Egyptians don't quit
biting their ingernails, the u. S. A.
will at once withdraw all American
Evening star., 1925-03-22
Harry Mistakes Rail Switch for Road,
Parks Car in Wrong Place, Delays Train

Harry. I've rode on your road and
you don't go fast enough to stop
quick"
Yes but this IS through train"
said the engineer.
1T is as far as tonight is con
cerned." says Harry.
mo it amt" says the engineer.
you've got to get off the track"
You put me off the track" says
Harry.
So the engineer went back to his
engine, unlocked ii from the rest of
the train and ran it up to within a
couple IT. OF the car. The fireman and
brakeman then got out a chain that
looked like IT was made of old fash
| ion coupling links. They fastened It
TO the rear Of the car and the engine
! started TO back UP. The car was just
about to part in the middle when the
brakeman signaled Casey TO stop.
mo use TO leave Il the car on the
track" says the brakeman.
SO they got g. jack out OF the en-
gine's tool box, lacked the front emo
OF the car up and then pulled the
whole thing back to where they was
| room for It to be parked beside the
track.
RI this time all the passengers was
- off the train ard gathered around
the scene. They had got off think
ing they was at last in Miami though
the train wasn't due there till the
previous Thursday. Louise was min
Cling amongst them and pretending
| like her and Harry was strangers.
We'll, kid" says the engineer to
Harry, you're pretty lucky"
ct don't know what you mean," says
| Harry. but If they's anything I can
| ever do for you leave me know"
Give me that bottle" said the en-
gineer and when this formality was
over the passengers clumb back
aboard the train and the engineer
hooked his engine onto 1t and re-
sumed his way towards his home sta
| tion of Miami where his second wife
was waiting for him, he having been
on tho road so long this trip that the
| first one had died.
Harry and Louise walked into town
single file and you could report their
conversation verbatim on the back
of a collar button. The problem that
bafied Harry so long is solved. You
can't get either a yes or no out of a
gal that amt speaking to you at all.
Evening star., 1925-03-22

around Miami where you can't get
drink unless you ask for it.
Harry asked for It and got it and
him and Louise started back home
along about O'Clock in the AM
and Harry was driving the car and
going pretty fast and Louise seen
that they was coming to a r. r.
crossing, so she says look out Harry
thought she meant 1t was time to
turn off that road and take another
road, so he turned to the right and
went about a 100 yards when he
discovered that the road he had
turned onto was the railroad. He
found this out all of a sudden when
the car come to a switch and the
front wheels got caught between the
rails and the tires blew out quietly
like a thunderstorm.
* 4 X
THE motor was dead and the wheels
L was jammed fast between the
rails, SO Harry and Louise got out to
Evening star., 1925-03-22

stretch and just then they seen a
locomotive headlight beaming towards
them from 90 #. away. Approaching
them even closer was a gent with a
flashlight.
Hide the bottle" said Louise and
Harry hid the bottle under the front
seat.
The engineer. for 1t was indeed he.
come up to Harry and flashed the
light in his face.
"where is the bother" asked the
engineer.
So Harry produced the bottle and
the engineer took big swigs.
Now" says the engineer, do you
know where you are?"
mo-" says Harry. This Is the 1st.
time ever parked here"
Listen" says the engineer. 81
seen your red light and a red light
means danger TO me so I stopped. But
had to stop quick"
Don't try to tell me that" says
Evening star., 1925-03-22

The answer which I prepared for
Mr. Knott reads as follows:
Dear sir:
"As soon as 1 heard from your let
ter that the big debate Is on be-
tween Bohunk and Skidoo, 1 was
thrilled with excitement. Can we
win 1t? Can we put enough inter-
national energy behind you and Mr..
Beanhead (Do I know of him? How
can you ask it?) to drive the thing
through? want to say at once that
in this business you are to regard my
own time as absolutely ralueless. /
may tell you frankly that from now
until the big debate is pulled off
propose to lay aside every other con-
cern in life and devote myself to your
service. I couldn't possibly answer
your question in any other way.
80 now let me turn to your act
ual questions. You ask first, How
does the efficiency Of the British
government compare with that OF
the United States?'
''Here is q nice. straightforward,
manly question. You won't object
IH my answer if of rather eA=
Evening star., 1925-03-22

all day every day ana went to
dinners and dances with each other
every evening and he kept falling
deeper and deeper in what somebody
has laughingly nicknamed love, but
still he couldn't make UP his mind to
propose. This continued for weeks
and weeks.
Finely one night we was all out on
a party and when the first party was
over Harry wanted we should all go
along with him to another party, but
us old birds all turned him down and
Louise was the only one that would
go with him. 1t might be said at
this junction that they's some places
Evening star., 1925-03-22

kitchen, I could hardly wait to see
him.
Well, says as he comes into the
room, did you get It?
Get what? says he so gruff that
my heart give a big bound of re-
lief.
Well who was elected secretary
then? ] says.
And Geo. says that Joe Bush, Of
course, 1 guess he thinks he owns
the Hawthorne Club now.
Why, dear, I says, I'm awful sorry
you didn't get 1t, but never mind,
you'll show them, you're fitted for
bigger things.
Then Geo. sprang a awful blow on
me. You bet I will, he says, just
to show 'em some day I'll be Secre-
tary OF State,
(Copyrisht 1925
Evening star., 1925-03-22
Lights for Cows.

COWS will wear tail lights in Ne
~ braska II bill that has been in
troduced in the Legislature passes. 1t
provides that all live stock. whether
driven in herds or singly, at night on
public roads, be required to wear
warning lights, to be displayed both
In the front and the rear, to warn
motorists.
Evening star., 1925-03-22
504.Pound Boy.

A BOY, aged IA, named Paul Mer-
laud, living In the vendee village
OF Bernardiere, France, when weigh
ed on his last birthday, was found to
tip the scale at 504 pounds and he is
still growing. He has put on AZ
pounds during the last year.
Evening star., 1925-03-22

get too old to be interested in
romance, specially when
1 they are truth and not fiction,
so in this article I will try
and describe a little romance which
we was witness of part of same.
as II took place in Miami this Winter
during our visit there
The hero and heroine Of the ro-
nance is a couple who we will call
Harry and Louise. Harry Is a South
ern boy about 35 yrs. old and been
around. Louise is a cute dame 20
or 81 and so independent that size
amt even had her hair bobbed. Well,
Harry fell for her hard but couldn't
make up his mind to propose. He
said that If he asked her and she
answered yes, 1t would mean that he
would half to give up his freedom
and not pay no tension to no other
dame, whereas If he asked her and
she said no, one would half TO drown
himself and go somewheres else TO
do Il on acct. of the water around
Miami being so buoyant.
Well. they was together pretty near
Evening star., 1925-03-22
BY RING LARDNER-

o the Editor: People don't never
get too old to be interested in
romance, specially when
they are truth and not fiction.
Evening star., 1925-03-22

To Editor The Star who once 'kne
jeweler named Mr.. Glass
Evening star., 1925-03-22
Keeping Grip on an Office
Similar Position Joe BushsH Hawthor
BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAM.

A ) that famous botanist John l.
7 ~ Sullivan often used to say
~ of Office holding, Now you've
II n got 1t, whatter you going to
Evening star., 1925-03-22

r. VERYBODY who manages an
- office or carries on profes-
sion or teaches IN a college is
IL getting 10 be familiar with
fbp thirO -oIlaI
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
Classified
CAKE SALE

Benefit of the Paragraph Club at
STATIONS Drug Store, Five Points,
February 18th.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
NOTICE

Notice is hereby given TO the legal
voters of the School District of the
Edgewater Park Township of Edge
water Park Township in the county
of Burlington, New Jersey, that the
annual meeting for the election of
nine members of the Board of Ed
ucation will be held at Cooperative
Growers Association Office, on Tues
day, February 10, 1925 at eight
o'clock P. M.
3 members to be elected for
years; members to be elected for 2
years; members to be elected for
| year.
The Polls will remain open one
hour, and as much longer as may be
necessary, to enable all legal voters
present to cast their ballot, at said
meeting will be submitted the ques-
ton of voting tax for the following
purposes.
Current Expenses $4,000
Manual Training 100000
Furniture and Repairs 100000
( The total amount thoughte necessary
is $17,50O.O0
Dated this Goth, day of January 1925
WALTER KEE,
District Clerk.
Note. The term Current Expen-
ses' includes principals, teachers,
janitor's, and medical inspectors
salaries, full text books, school supp
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FARM AND TOWN PROPERTY
WANTED

$50 after sold, Smith Farm Agen-
cy, 14O7 w. York St. Philadelphia,
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
Getting Up Nights
Tells you there is danger ahead. A
healthy bladder does not act at night

j. H. Dorton, w. Graham, Va. says:
Il had to get up seven or eight times
at night for forty years. | thought
it was my age. After taking Lithia-
lated Buchu short time, l was al
right" Lithiated Buchu cleanses the
bladder as EPSON Salts do the
bowels, thereby relieving irritation,
driving out foreign matter and neu-
tralizing excessive acids. These arc
h the causes of unnatural action of the
bladder at night. Lithiated Buchu
(Kellar Formula) is not a cheap med
icine. The tablets cost 2 cents each,
Sold at all leading drug stores or
Kellar Laboratory, fredericksburg,
Ohio. Locally at STRATTONS.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06

81 Down-$1 Month
The Westinghouse is that wel-baanced six
pound iron that has beveed edge Gets
under plaits easily, and in and out oof ruffles.
The bevel permits the woman who irons to see
her work without bending over.
oughly tested as to quality and construction by
our laboratory engineers. You may be sure
whatever appliance you purchase, whether it
be gas or electric, years of excellent service
viii result
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06

lies, flags, transportation of pupils,
tuition of pupils attending schools in
other districts with the consent of
the Board of Education, school lib
raries, compensation of District clerk
of the Custodian of school moneys
and truant officers, truant schools in
surance and incidental expenses of
the schools.
Women citizens twenty-one years
of age or above, by virtue of the
Nineteenth Amendment to The United
States Constitution may vote for
everything presented at this meeting
A member of the Board of Educa-
ton shall be at least q years Of
age, a citizen and resident of the
school district and shall have been
such citizen and resident for AZ
least 3 years Immediately proceed
ing his or her becoming a member
of such Board, and shall be able to
read and write.
=~~-sm<--~--------~
Petitions legally nominating can
didates to be voted on at said meet
ing, must be filed with the District
Clerk at least five days before the
date of the meeting in order to have
the names of such candidate printed
on the official ballots to be used in
voting.
In calculating the above mentioned
fiye days, either the fling day or ell
oofive days, either the filing day or
election day but not both may be
)counted- Blank form for this pun
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
WANTED

Man and wife or two business wo-
men can be accommodated with
room and board in private home.
References exchanged. Address P.
o. Box 81.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FOR RENT

z room apartment, Bath, Hot Air
Heat, all conveniences. Reasonable.
Thomas Henry, 715 Cooper street,
Beverly.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
WASHINGTON SUPPER

The Annual Washington Supper
under the auspices Of the Baptist
Young Peoples Union will be held in
the Baptist Sunday School Room on
Saturday, February 2lst. Supper
will be served from to $50. Tick
cts, SO cents.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FOR SALE

Bed, Bureau, Washstand and a new
Water Power Washing Machine. All
in good condition. Phone Beverly
law or 223R.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FOR SALE

Cook Stove and Gas Range in good
condition. Apply George Stuart,
Railroad Ave. and Laurel street
Phone 188-M. Its
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FOR SALE

Double Heater Stove. Good Con
dition. George w. Adams, Camden
Pike, Burlington, N. j. 2ts
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
PIPELESS HEATER

Slightly used. Good Condition.
Will sell cheap. Joseph P. Orfe,
Beverly. 2ts
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
Eat and
Stay Thin

1t can be dome. Ada Bessie
Swami q ths Hnnae nco-
nomics Department, Public
Service. WIN tai you how
over the raize, rnssday and
Friday mornings at eleven
o'clock, bDoadcastAng from
W A AN.
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FOR SALE

Franklin Sedan, first class condi-
ton. Will sacrifice. Mrs. Smedley
Cooper and Franklin ave. Beverly.
1t
Beverly banner. [volume] (Beverly, N.J.) 1877-1964, 1925-02-06
FOR SALE

StrickIy Fresh Eggs, 401 Warren
Street Beverly.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24

Gateway wanr-ads bring results.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24
JOHN E. MEALS
 PURCHASES THE
 PATHFINDER

In the future the destiny of the Al aska Pathfinder will be guided by J. E. Meals, of Anchorage, who announc- es he has taken over the publication, and will have his first issue off the press July 15
 Under the personal guidance of MT. Meals, the pioneer magazine of the Northland should blossom forth sue cessfully. MT. Meals knows his All aska, having spent the greater portion of his life in this district. As writer he displays natural ability far above the average He has been office man. ager for the Anchorage Brown and Hawkins Corporation store for num- Der of years; is secretary and treasur- CT of the Chamber of Commerce; one of the officials of the Anchorage Fair Association; is interested in several mining ventures; is president of the Territorial Accountancy Board; and is a keen student of Alaskan affairs.
 One of the features of the publica- tion under Mr. Meals administration, will be the press service on fur prices in the New York, St. Louis and Seattle markets, dated the day the magazine comes off the press. For the farm ing department of the magazine, one
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24
Juneau Legion Delegate
 Entertained In Seward

During the brief visit in Seward of Miss c. Ducey, recording secretary and departmental secretary of the Jul neau Auxiliary, American Legion, the local auxiliary ladies entertained her at dinner last Friday evening. The following day a picnic was planned but owing to the indictment weather a stop at Laughlin's was made where the picnic and most enjoyable time was had. A trip was also made to Mile 10, which thoroughly pleased the del egate to the Fairbanks convention Miss Ducey departed for the Interior on Monday.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24
FIRST AIR MAIL
 FROM NOME IS
 NOW IN SEWARD

Through the courtesy of the Fair banks Airplane Corporation, the first air mail from Nome to Fairbanks, ar rived in the office of the Seward Gate way last night from the Interior. The postal date and time of the letters de- parture from Nome is stamped June IT, 5 D. m. and the arrival time at Fairbanks, June 19, 7:30 p. m. En- closed in the envelope received by the Gateway was the most recent is- sue of the Nome Nugget Late news items from the Nome paper are pub lished in another article in today's is- sue of the Gateway.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24
Dr. (. J. Wight to
 Open Office Here

Dr. c. J. Wight, chiropractor, re- turned to Seward on last evenings train from Anchorage. Dr. Wight re- gently returned to Alaska from the states and announced few days ago, prior to his departure for the Cook Inlet city, that he contemplated open ing an office in Seward. Last even- ing he verified his statement and is today looking about for a desirable office. pr. Wight is a guest at the hotel Sexton
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24

Regio Consolato D'Italia, 217-10 Lyon Building, Seattle Wash, wishes infor- nation regarding the following men Mizzau Augusta fu Angelo.
 Vittorio Negri fu Ernesto.
 Bertolino Angelo flu Stefano. Guimelli Lorenzo Ii Luigi.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24

The Misses Mildred and Dolly Fish CT and Messers. Bob Evans, and Alec Bolam, made up the party of four that made the assent to the top of Mara thon the other night. They left about seven o'clock in the evening, returning about midnight, and report ing most joyous time, even tho the climbing was somewhat warm.
Seward daily gateway., 1925-06-24

of the Territory's most noted authori- ties has consented to act as head.
 Arrangements have been made with several other prominent Alaska writ CTS and journalists for regular contri- buttons.