davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-06-07
In the Nick O. 71me-A Wonderful Selling of
600 Cottage Dinner Sc
ut dl ExtrdOrdindrity Lou Pl

of the outstanding values offered high grade dnnerv
time coageor the the
" the table wonderful the June brides beginning
and suffer little loss
pol il
o
Evening star., 1925-07-05
FINELY WE COME TO A SIGN WHICH SAID WATCH LITTLE


quietly left the subject drop, but am
still wondering.
And now I suppose we come to the
important part of this little article,
namely the remarkable, mysterious
case of Walter Catlett, or as his real
name is, Tim Noonan. He bought a
home in Great Neck and hasn't no
idear where it is. Now between you
and I friend it is hard enough to find
your home in Great Neck when you
know where 1t is and when you have
boughten a home without no knowl-
edge of where it might be, that makes
it all the more difficult. Well, all L
have got left to say is that if they IS
anything to say, will somebody please
tell Walter where his home is. Re-
wards of one dollar apiece will be
welcome as far as Walter is con-
cerned.
Another night ! met left-hand
pitcher named Dutch Leonard and he
was talking about the Detroit ball
club and he said Detroit was chang
ing it's style in regards to Ty Cobb,
he was swinging his bat much faster
with his idear in his mind, he must
hit a lively ball,
Neither of us could understand
what he was talking about, so / says
can't we get on another subject All
I want to know Is how you are still
pitching when you are as old as / am.
Evening star., 1925-07-05

I'm working on a thing that l think
will be rather big thing. I shouldn't
want it talked about outside, but it's
matter of taking hold of the cod
fisheries of the Grand Banks-practi-
cally amalgamating them-and per-
haps combining with them the entire
herring output, and the whole of the
sardine catch of the Mediterranean
If it goes through" he added, II shall
be in a position to let you in on the
ground floor"
I knew the ground floor Of old.
have already many friends sitting on
it, and others who have fallen through
it into the basement.
Thank you" l said, and he left
me.
That was Ellsworth, wasn't it?"
said a friend of mine who was near
me. Poor devil. l knew him slightly
Always full of some new and wild idea
of making money. He was talking to
me the other day of the possibility O.
cornering all the huckleberry crop and
making refined sugar. Isn't 1t amaz-
ing what fool ideas fellows like him
are always putting up to business
men?"
We both laughed.
After that l didn't see Ellsworth
Tor some weeks.
Evening star., 1925-07-05

That's why you're getting EN-. You
didn't plant any moles, either.
guess you think you're going to get
some roses from that bunch of anemia
you got planted near the bird bath"
"I sure am" said 1. II bought some
stuff today thatIl knock these rose
bugs for a loop"
What do you do?" asks Kate.
"Sneak up on 'em at night and
sprinkle it in their ears?"
you shoot 1t at 'em with a spray"
1 explains, land they drop off like
church attendance in July. The whole
outfit only nicked me for twenty fish. "
Twenty dollars to take care of six
rose bushes"' exclaims the frau.
mo expense is too great" I says,
own little orchid
tIf you think so much Of your little
orchid" snaps the wife, you'd spray
me with twenty-dollar bills, instead of
the rose bushes"
I'D be glad to-" l assures her, eff
it'd get some of those thorns offa you.
BY the way, 1 met a lad today who
says he can fix up that lawn of mine
so it'll look like putting green"
You mean he can make grass grow
on it?" asks the misses, kinda sur
prised.
What do you think" growls, 'is
growing on it now-banyan trees?"
THAT or anything but grass" comes
back Kate. "I'll bet you're the only
man in the world that can plant two
hundred pounds Of grass seed on a
quarter-acre plot and raise nothing
but razzberries from the neighbors."
'That'd a been swell lawn" says
I, ''if hadn't had bad brakes in the
weather. You know what they say in
England-it takes a hundred years to
make a good lawn"
Evening star., 1925-07-05

ican eagle, or so them European pow
ers undoubtedly believed.
TT also seemed Sec. Kellogg and
Mr.. Borah, the chairman with a
lot OF Foreign relations, was made
sore by these remarks because it
cramped their sytle in the Bill Col
lection business. And so they was
getting together to make them self
elected Ambassadors talk exclusively
on account the only time most of
them wind-bags was ever close TO the
President was when he passed by
them in a parade.
Well, after 1 read this piece, must
say where I was entirely on Mr..
kellogg's side. / know how sore it
makes a person feel to have their
family owed money. even when they
didn't loan 1T personally, their own
self.
But then, quite on the other hand,
/ could also see where the Wind-Bag
Brigade had a few facts to back up
their theory of cancelling them debts.
Very likely just as they say, Europe
amt got the money to pay, but what
of it? I figured that if they didn't
pay in money, why it is a truthful
fact that money amt everything in
this world.
Take for a sample, now, Italy.
Garlic is the strength of Italy, as is
well known. She might pay in garlic.
read someplace, in a Spring Tonic
Calendar, l guess 1t was, that there
are 10000, 900 r Is & y Italians in
America, and i can easily believe it,
I've seen 'em all myself, down on the
lower East Side of New York. And
so Italy's paying in garlic ought to
at least satisfy the Italian Quota, or
Quarter, whichever is correct.
Then take France. It's pretty hard
to do, as was proved in 1914. But
anyways, take France. If she amt
got the money and we can depend on
that, why France might make II up
to us in several ship-loads of correct
French Accents, to be distributed
among our public schools and col
leges, any remains to be retailed at
good price to young ladies seminaries,
club-women's French reading circles,
and rich Americans about TO go
Evening star., 1925-07-05
TAKE FOR A SAMPLE NOW, ITALY MIGHT GARLIC"

it, 1t appeared to be making a big
hit with the nation at large, and may
be even with the ones that weren't
at large, although of course since
they have no vote, their opinion prob
ably don't matter to him nor any
other office-holder.
Well anyways, as far as I could
make out, the trouble Uncle Sam was
having with them allies was some
thing like we and Joe Bush. 1t seems
that in burst of enthusiasm, Uncle
Sam had loaned a little loose change
to them Allies; how loose, he prob
ably hadn't the least idea at the time.
But apparently it was too loose to
gather up again very easy.
OF course this all got done out of
friendship, you know how 1t is, when
a friends family has the measles, and
they ask you for it in public, and a
lot of people you'd like to make a good
impression on are listening, well, it's
pretty hard to say no.
And as far as / could make out,
it seems that when Europe had the
measles, why naturally we had to
help her out. But now that she was
well again, just like some of our best
nelghborS right here in our own home
town, she forgot all about the baked
custards and etc. we sent over, and
had even forgot to send us back the
empty dish, if you can collect the
idea.
And now Mr.. kellogg had come
right out in front of everybody and
mentioned the dish, and says we
could use it ourselves. but so far all
the allies had promised was that they
would try and remember to bring it
over tomorrow. And Mr.. kellogg saws
well, you'd better, that's all, or you
just wait and see, so there! And he
meant it, too.
Well, read this piece in the paper a
little further on where a lot of well
known after dinner speakers who get
their names in the papers such a lot
that folks over in Europe have the
impression these speakers must be
close to the President. had got up and
claimed where Europe should not be
made TO pay. And they had passed
this remark in a tone Of lam
not-telling- ng-where-I-go got - this =
ut-you-know-wh from
-a-little- bird" Meaning the Amer
Evening star., 1925-07-05

That's conservative" remarks
Kate, with you doing the planting" +"
What's the difference who does the
planting?" 1 yelps. You think grass
cares who plants it?"
"It might not care about the who"
returns the wife, but it's probably in
terested deep in the how, when and
where. / saw that man down. the
street throw a bunch Of seed on top of
the ground about the same time you
were planting, and in about a week
you had to cut your way through the
grass"
"Yeh," 1 jeers, but look at the kind
of grass it is. They amt no class
to it,"
WELL" says the misses, there's
more class to any kind of grass than
the swellest kind of baked clay. You
trying to get a lawn or go into the
pottery business?"
II may not be getting any results
from the garden and lawn" 1 re-
marks, ''but 1 got it alb over the neigh
bors when 1t comes to gardening
technique"
Technique" says the wife curt,
makes rotten cut flowers. / suppose
I'll spend the rest of the Summer say
ing to folks: Wont you take home a
bunch of techniques from our garden?'
Don't you think garden technique
brightens up a room SOP Isn't the
odor of that technique grand?'"
"Cut it," l yelps.
"At that" goes on the misses, ''I
gotta admit that your technique has
an odor. 1t seems to me we oughta
get bouquet. of daisies, anyhow, out
of that five hundred dollars you spent
on the back garden
did 1 plant any daisies?" 1 ask.
II don't know" answers the frau,
but daisies are the kind of flowers
Evening star., 1925-07-05

TO the editor: Very few items
of interest happens around
little community like where 1
Il live in, and that is what
makes it so difficult to get out
a article once a wk. Like for inst.
you half to pick on a incidence like
this.
The other day I and the madam
was coming back from Long Beach
which is right acrost the island and
if we had not of been there we would
of been coming back from some
where's else but it haroened to be
Long Beach where we was to, so that
is why we come back from there.
Any ways in the car coming home
the madam said would not it be funny
as she speaks very good English If
we was forced to obey all the signs
that appears along the road.
So I asst her what was she talking
about and she begun pointing out diff
ferent signs such as stop in 3 hun
dred yds, and get a hot dog. And
she says if those was positive orders
and you had to obey all of them you
wouldn't never get home from no
place.
SO after that remark started look
ing at the different signs and finely
we come to one which said watch
Little Neck grow. So then 1 got into
the spirit of the occasion and said
leave us just set here and watch Lit
tie Neck grow.
But she says what will become of
our kiddies vile we set here and
watch Little Neck grow, and 1 had
to ask hcr where is her patriotism to
think of kiddies when she might set
and watch Little Neck grow. Any
ways she win the argument and we
had to come home instead of setting
there for the next so yrs. watching
Little Neck grow, which would of
been wonderful compared to setting at
home and watching the old man work.
The next evening l had to go into
New York for no reason but any ways
we went past bus which had a sign
on the outside which says Young
Stribling's Mobile Bungalow and un-
derneath it said in smaller. letters
California here I come, so I asked
the madam what did that mean and
she could not possibly answer so we
Evening star., 1925-07-05
BY SAM HELLMAN

"~ 0NSIDERING the amount
of time you've put in on
that garden-I laugh re-
~ marks the frau. Your
weeds ought to be doing
we'll anyways"
We'll" 1 barks, aren't they?"
mo, they amt" snaps the wife.
'"The stuff in the lot across the street
looks much better. l don't think you
could raise mud in a swamp. Where
are those dahlia bulbs you planted a
month ago?"
ASK the moles and the cutworms,
yelps.
door," remarks the wife. How does
it happen that the moles and the cut
worms play only your side of the
street,"
How does it happen" I comes
back, that you got a face-load of
freckles and the jane down the block
hasn't got one?"
That" shifts the wife, 'is neither
here nor there, and"
Yes. it is" / cuts in. TITS here,
but not there. Is it my fault that the
insects and such happen to favor my
garden?"
Maybe not" returns the frau, but
when are we going to get two or
three dollars worth of results from
that eighty investment in
vegetable seeds?"
Didn't l dig up a radish for you
yesterday" l asks.
Your intentions was good" admits
the misses, but it wasn't a radiSh
In fact. it wasn't even distantly re-
lated TO one by marriage"
What was it?'' I inquiries, sarcas-
tic. "A dish of picked tripe?'
Just a weed" answers the wife.
' Gosh" 1 gasps. II must of hoed
out the radishes the other day by mis-
take and left the row of weeds"
I'D be surprised if you hadn't"
comments the frau. How about your
asters? Did the moles get them,
too?"
NO" tells her II figure we're
going to have pretty luck with them
things. They're already up a couple
of inches. Take it a look" L adds,
leading her to the window.
You mean those things near the
fence?" asks the frau.
Yep" says 1, kinda proud.
'If those are asters," comes back
Kate, I'm the favorite basket weaver
of the King of Persia. Those are
hollyhocks."
But" I protests, II didn't plant
any hollyhocks."
Probably not" says the wife.
Evening star., 1925-07-05
FINANCE" SAID ELLSWORTH Il SHALL BE IN POSI-
TION TO LET YOU IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR"

Then I met him in the club again
How he paid his fees there 1 do not
know.
This time he was seated among a
litter of foreign newspapers with cup
of tea and a 10-cent package OF cigar
cites beside him.
''Have one of these cigarettes" he
said. Il get them specially. They
are milder than what we have in the
club here"
They certainly were.
Note what I say" Ellsworth went
on. THE French Government is 60
ing TO gain from now on a stability
that it never had" He seemed greatly
excited about it. But his voice
changed TO a quiet tone as he added,
Gould you, without inconvenience,
let me have $5?"
So L knew that the Goldfish and the
sardines were still unamalgamated.
What about the fisheries thing?" l
asked. Did it go through"
The fisheries? No, l gave il up. /
refused to go forward with it. The
New York people concerned were too
shy, too timid to tackle it. l finally
had TO put it TO them very straight
that they must either stop shilly-shal-
lying and declare themselves or the
whole business was off"
Did they declare themselves"
questioned.
"They did" said Ellsworth. But
I'm working now on d much bigger
thing-something with greater posi-
bilities in IL. When the right moment
comes III let you in on the ground
floor"
/ thanked him and we parted.
The next time / saw Ellsworth he
told me at once that he regarded AL
bania as unable to stand by itself. So
gave him SIS on the spot and left
him.
A FEW days after that he called
me up on the telephone to tell me
that the whole of Asia Minor would
have to be redistributed The redis-
tribution cost me five dollars more.
Then / met him in the street, and
he said that Persia was disintegrat-
ing. and took from me a dollar and
half.
Evening star., 1925-07-05
As Seen by John Sharp.

TELL your brethren not to trouble
themselves about the South" writes
John Sharp Williams to the Balti-
more Sun. TT is a pity that the
South does not trouble itself more
about them. We have the traditions,
a rock to anchor to; the ideal, a
light to guide, of genuine American
ism tied to a long line of conquests
of libertywritten law, going back
to Magma Charta. 1t is in our blood.
Like our ancestors. we are not easy
to arouse-but we are the very devil
at holding fast
Evening star., 1925-07-05
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

n HADN'T seen Ellsworth since
our college days, 20 years before,
at the time when he used to bor-
L row $3.50 from the professor of
public finance to tide him over
the week end.
Then, quite suddenly. he turned up
at the club one afternoon and had tea
with me.
His big, clean-shaven face had lost
nothing of its impressiveness, and his
spectacles had the same glittering
magnetism as in the days when he
used to get the college bursar to ac-
cept his note of hand for his fees.
And he was still talking European
politics just as he used to in the days
of our earlier acquaintance.
Mark my words" he said across
the little tea table, with one of the
most piercing glances I have ever
seen, "the whole Balkan situation left
by the war is only a beginning. We
are on the eve of a great Pan-Slavonic
upheaval." And then he added in a
very quiet, casual tone, by the way,
could you let me have $25 till romor-
row."
"A Pan-Slavonic movement ejac-
ulated. DO you really think it posi-
BILE? No, / couldn't"
"You must remember" Ellsworth
went on, "Bolshevik Russia means TO
reach out and take in all she can get"
And he added, How about fifteen till
Friday?"
"She may reach for It," said, "but
I doubt If she'll get anything. I'm
sorry; 1 haven't got it."
You're forgetting the Bulgarian
element" he continued, his animation
just as eager as before. 1.-The Slavs
never forget what they owe to one
L.
sip of tea and then said quietly,
Gould you make it ten till Saturday
at twelve?"
I looked at him more closely. I no
ticed now his frayed cuffs and the
dinginess of his over-brushed clothes.
Not even the magnetism of his spec
tacles could conceal it. Perhaps I had
been forgetting something, whether
the Bulgarian element or not.
I compromised at so till Saturday.
1.-The Slav," sair Ellsworth, as he
pocketed the money, lis peculiar. He
never forgets."
What are you doing now?" asked
him. Are you still in insurance?"
l had a vague recollection of him as
employed in that business.
NO" he answered. II gave It up.
didn't like the outlook. 1t was too
narrow. The atmosphere cramped
me. ! want" he said, "a bigger hori-
zon.'
quite so,' I answered quietly.
had known men before who had lost
their jobs. Some of them can use up
a tremendous lot OF horizon.
X 4 4 X
H A T present" Ellsworth went on,
A'I am in finance. I'm promoting
companies"
"Oh, yes" I said. had seen COM
panies promoted before.
Just now" continued Ellsworth,
Evening star., 1925-07-05
Twin Starts Summer Season With Garden,
But Ends Incident by Going Into Fur Trade

that grow in spite of anything you do
to a garden. Even you couldn't stop
daisy from growing. That's how
stubborn they are"
We'll" says 1, II don't care If I
never get anything TO grow. i bought
a flock of mole traps today, and I'm
bound TO get back the money 1 put
into the place"
"How?" asks Kate.
I'm going to catch enough of them
things" 1 tellse her, ito make a
snappy mole skin coat for you"
THAT" comes back the misses, "is
what 1 call a prospect"
Evening star., 1925-07-05

abroad. 1 understand where it's an
actual fact that the shortage of this
commodity in the U. S. A. amounts to
pretty near ninety nine
hundred thousand or over.
OF course the English are our cous-
ins, and being in the family we amt
going to rush them; in face, we can't,
for two reasons. First because the
English think it's vulgar to rush. and
second, on account they have pretty
well promised us a little something
on account.
But If they run short on the tons
OF pounds that they owe US, why a
little of that even climate of theirs
would be real useful, provided they
could aeriate 1t little, first, SOS 1t
wouldn't clog our sense of humor
any when we breathed 1t in. After
these last few mons of assorted
weather. the u. S. Govt. could easy
to pretty near every one of our suf-
fering citizens.
When it comes to Belgium, why
some folks like police dogs. and some
prefer hares, and the Belgians could
send over a few cargoes of both.
Also in that old newspaper, which
/ had pretty near hid away under
the hdm-kettle before got the bene-
fit of it, why, l found that even Lii
IBERIA, the African colony, owed us
money, and 1 suppose there amt
really nothing we could expert them
to send us as cash equivalent eX-
cept more jazz-music.
<
T SURE would kind of hate to think
l. of the amount of music it would
take to square that bill. But then,
who knows. they might send us one
real good song hit, called Liberia
Blues or something, and any school
child knows where one big song hit
that goes over with a wallop is often
worth a million dollars, ask any Bway
composer. or his publicity man.
Well anyways, the more | read
about them terrible sums of money,
the more 1 thought, well, a least one
good thing has come out of them
debts of Europe. Those nations have
now got a great bond in common,
which had ought to keep them from
fighting for a while; namely, how TO
stick Uncle Sam once more, on the
Evening star., 1925-07-05

reach it, Geo. was there, answering.
And in the mean way men have, of
not giving their business away over
the phone to any one listening beside
them. all he says is yeh, no, uha, sure.
When he hung up / come straight
to the point. Tell me. George Jules.
says, was that Joe Bush? And Geo.
bit the excess baggage off of his cigar
and looked defensive. Yeh, he says,
Joe wants us 70 come over to supper
tonight, he says. HUH / says, / sup
pose he wants to pay you that hun
dred dollars he owes you? Well he
wants to, all right, says George, but
he can't. in fact he wants to talk
about another little loan. Now don't
get sore, Jennie. says Geo, 1 know
Joe, and believe me- he's a friend.
/ don't believe you, | says, he may
look like a friend but Hot Bozo, he
acts more like a Ally,
(Copyright 1881
Evening star., 1925-07-05

grounds they got to have another
drive to carry them over the present
hazard, onto the long green.
Then / commenced wondering If
hadn't better write Mr.. Kellogg and
Mr.. Borah nice chatty little note per
each, telling them not to let them
Ministers, Primers, Cabinet Makers
and etc. over on the other side of the
water get away with anything, also at
the same time setting down modestly
my own good ideas about the Great
American Preparations and what the
Allies might do to pay us, calling
Messrs. Kellogg & Borah's attention
to the fact that if it became really
necessary the allies might even go to
the length of stopping their talk about
how TO pay us and start work at do
ing it.
But before | could write a word
what would ring in the hall outside
only the telephone and before I could
Evening star., 1925-07-05
What Would Happen If One Attempted to Obey
All the Signs That Are Observed on the Road

of throwing toward the plate and the
batter wonders for years where that
ball was"
At this point I begin to think
everybody was a maniac, so just as /
was judging in came a music writer
and he said he could play the piano
II you would lay a clean white sheet
over the keys and he played several
songs that he has wrote over the
sheet over the keys and he played
them just as we'll as 1 could Of played
them with a blanket ever the KEYS
including a mattress.
I'm sorry l made you cry.
Evening star., 1925-07-05

He looked at me for a moment. And
then said:
'Mr. Lardner: I have got a new
ball, which 1 have nicknamed the in
visible ball which 1 throw in this
manner. In the first place, I can't
see very well myself, and when 1
start to pitch, I always first flip the
ball back to second base, and then
turn around and make the impression
Evening star., 1925-07-05
A New Anesthetic.

THIS newly synthesized substance is
l. claimed to be both a local anes-
thetic and an antiseptic. Chemically
1t is the normal butyl ester of para
amno-benzolc acid and is a yellow
solid with no odor and a slightly bitter
taste. 1t dissolves in water and or
garlic solvents. An extremely weak
aqueous solution flooded into a rabbits
eyes so numbs 1t that a pencil may be
drawn across the cornea without sign
of winking for Is to 20 minutes, after
which time the eye RECEIVERS its nor
NAL condition. The same solution is
an effective germ-killer, killing, for
example, Staphylococcus aureus In 5
minutes.
Evening star., 1925-07-05
Should Create a Diversion.

From the Houston Post-Dispatch.
A lawyer in the Prince Building
wants to know how to protect him
sell against the exceedingly vora-
cious mosquitoes. We advice him TO
employ a youthful and fashionably
attired stenographer.
Evening star., 1925-07-05
Crossways Humor.

From the West Publishing Co.'s Docket
This is an order for a marriage H.
cense sent in by a firm of country
merchants to the circuit clerk; one of
the merchants is a justice of the
peace:
DUNCAN. Miss, January 5, 1926.
"Please send US marriage license,
Judge Flenoid, age 81,
Tvs.
Florence Terry, age 10.
Check inclosed for SO.
WOLFE & TURNER"