davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

TO the editor:
L In pretty near all large cities
like n. Y, Chicago, Philadelphia.
Cleveland, Detroit, Los Angeles and
etc. you will hear the boys boasting
about some special golf course they
have got which is the cats night
gown and so on and when you 20
out to play on them you half TO adj
NIT that they are very high class
courses and the natives have a per-
feet right to rave about same. The
club houses is the last word in club
houses, the fairways and green's are
in swell condition and the gen. lay
out is so beautiful that Q person fire.
quently takes their eye off OF the
ball to look at il.
] however belong TO a little group
Of wilful golfers who are Of the
opinion that the acme of golfdom
has not yet been achieved in re-
CARDS 10 either club houses or links
as they have been around the center
Of n. Y. city for enough vacant lots
on which TO construct the kind Of a
course that is the ideal Of our
dreams. The city location is i'm
portant as most golf players works
or pretends to work part Of the
day and a whole lot Of time is vast
ed when they half TO take a train or
a long motor ride 10 some so called
country club. If a desirable plot
could be obtained say in Union
Square which is bounded by Broad
way and Fourth avenue, 10 say
nothing about 18th street and 18th
street why a great many members
could walk TO the course vile any
body could get there in a very few
minutes by subway, bus or st. car.
PRESERVING THE ALIBI.
The club house would be a frame
bldg. so as If any Of the members
got sore at the service they could
burn it down and by the time an
other one was erected the undesir-
able servants would Of found them
sells other jobs. The lounge or IL
brary would be well equipped with
all the standard memory courses for
the education Of members who never
can remember how many strokes it
took them 70 reach the green il ever.
Another feature would be a hospital
with plenty doctors, internes and
nurses 10 attend the boys that lost
their match because they wasn't
feeling good.
Now in regards 10 the course It.
self. The first hole would be built
on the order Of the one which is on
the estate Of Joe Cook, the comedian,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

AS P. I. Barnum, the Pres. q
"a founder of the Society for Big
ker & Better Bluffs once said, The
Greatest Show on Earth isn't half
the show that the folks who come to
IL are !"
And how true that is was found
out only the other night by and
George, that's my husband, when we
went out to Cuckoo Grove Amuse..
inent Park with that Joe Bush OF
the Hawthorne Club and his wife.
Geo. had come home around five
O'Clock, having left the office on
acct the heat, and then when he got
in the house, why as per usual when
off schedule, he couldn't think OF
nothing to do.
1t always strikes me as remark
Ssble where George will tell me even
ings while inhaling his supper how,
Just as soon as he gets a minute he
is conner fix that closet door SOS
sit'n shut good, put up them hooks
in the bathroom, make a box for
Junior TO keep his toys in, paint
the flivver and etc. But leave him
actually get little extra time home
and. Hot Bozo, all he can think OF
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
GEO. PAYs-AND PAYS.

hNAc bSN a ~ NSANA
bill changed. So Geo. give him it,
and we roller-coasted.
GEO. PAYS-AND PAYS.
And Hot Bozo, some people claim
the universal language is Love, but
contend where it is Roller Coaster
vention made the same remark at
the same time for the same reason.
Roughly speaking it was ooOOH0O-
90! and roughly speaking is exactly
what / mean.
Well, by now I had quite a nice
collection of souvenirs. bump on
my chin, one on my head, a lame
arm and a sore toe. So says come
on, let's eat, then maybe we will
have the strength for more punish
ment. So we all went over to the
Noodle Gardens, which was a nice
wooden shack. all screened tight SOS
to keep the flies in, and we had a
dandy supper Of hot-dogs, coca-cola,
Oh Henrys and cream sandwiches
with few pretzels on the side, and
check for one eighty.
Well Joe says, hey George, gim-
me that check, unless you insist. By
saying which he sidn't really give
George no chanst to insist, he mere
ly let Geo. pay it, and threw in one
of the dimes he had borrowed often
Geo., for a tip.
Well. after this meal we felt pref
ty good for a while and threw some
rings at some canes that didn't seem
able to catch 'em. Then as soon as
Joe had borrowed a dollar from
Geo. we fired at a few poor harm
less dumb clay pigeons and Geo.
pretty near hit one.
But by the time Joe had snapped
his twenty dollar bill a coupla times
more to show it wasn't broken yet,
and let Geo. oblige him with the
price Of admission TO a few glasses
of ice cream sodas. and tickets to
the fortune tellers, why / got ter
rible depressed feeling, like my fl
nances had indigestion, and l says
aw come on, let's go home, and the
ayes had it.
Well naturally we drove the Joe
Bushes to their house, and we says
good night. We certainly had a
wonderful time. And Joe says oh
don't mention it, I'm only too glad
TO of taken you. And then / and
Geo. went on along home and 1
listened to the Rioters Lament all
the way, although i knew the words
and music good enough to of sung it
myself. "Neyer again, not on your
life, never again !" That's how the
chorous goes.
But you know how it is, when
once you start a thing like that.
One taste, and you get the banker
ing. So with my poor husband. It
wasn't over a week later before 1
caught him on the phone and what
in the world IL he wasn't asking
them Joe Bushes to go over to
Cuckoo Grove with US and have a
little fun!
Well. George JuIesl / says when
he hung up. OF all thing, / says
did they accept? And Geo. says
yes. they sure did. Joe wanted it to
be on him again, but nothing doing,
] insisted it was my turn to treat,
it's more economical in the end,
event IL ! gotter admit that Joe
Bush can make a twenty-dollar bill
20 further then any man l ever
saw!
Copyright 1925, by Republic
Syndicate, Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
Science Of Carrying on Conversation
----------By BRUNO

IN Lesson 81 we taught the stud.
i ents in our School Of Correspond
ence the Science Of Conversation
This is a very important science
because, no matter what happens
you cannot always keep your mouth
shut.
All we succeeded in doing to
those students who had sayvy
enough to understand the pearls
of wisdom that we scattered be-
fore them, was to prevent them
from examining their hoofs into the
said mouth aforesaid, party of the
first part, when they opened it.
We shall now take up the genteel
Art of Conversation. If you have
the Science without the Art, it is
much like having a ham sandwich
without mustard or 40 per cent.
Amt it grand that Canada has gone
wet? Detroit is lovely city-only
ten minutes by ferry, across.
The Art of Conversation consists
Of Repartee, Gags, Funny Stories
and Alibis, viz: A. U. s. Repre-
sentative and U. s. Senator once
met.
II knew you were a Representa-
tive right away said the Senator.
II can Away tell Representative"
"And / knew you were a Sena-
tor right off," said the Representa-
tive. Because ] never can tell q
Senator anything"
That's what is called Hot Stuff.
Because, when one Stuff meets an
other Stuff, they both get hot. That
is the law of friction, discovered by
the founder Of the Diamond Match
Company.
WHY NOT TAKE IT?
The greatest tax upon the Art
of Conversation is imposed by tho
female sex. The Surtax and in
heritance Tax are small tacks COM
pared with this strain. Yet this il
the field in which Conversation haR
its widest scope and narrowess
range. As viz, for instance:
Gimme a kiss"
Il thought you were a gentle-
man."
You're wrong. I'm q bum.
Gimme a kiss?"
II think you're terriblei I'm
going to tell my mother"
Don't bother telling her. IT.
put an adj in the paper. But
gimme a kiss?"
Il won't! You're brute. Take
me home or III scream"
Say, I'm desperate man.
Gimme a kiss? This is the last
time I'll ask you"
Why, you poor piece of cheese,
II you're so crazy about a kiss,
why don't you take one?"
STUDENTS CONCENTRATE!
In studying the Art Of Con-
versation with a lady Of the fe-
male sex bear always in mind the
fact that the ultimate object of the
palaver is TO get the kiss. Unless
the lady happens to be a politician
or the chairlady of a committee or
a female reformer, in which case we
advise our students 20 go to the
races and select n winner.
While there is Youth there Is
Hope II she is kissable, it is per-
fectly all right TO praise her gown
and tell her how well she looks and
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

ural to her, I guess, while Geo. took
a lion, and took it kinda seriously.
As for me, 1 didn't even take a
chance, / took a seat in one of them
sleighs, they amt so easy to fall
out of. Anyways, Geo. got the gold
ring, and asked Mabel to marry him
with il, and we all says, ha, ha,
what a scream, come on, let's get
a cream-cone and try the roller
coaster.
So Geo. bought US some cones,
and Joe rushed up to the roller
coaster and says Just slip me sixty
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
League of Nation Discussion Has Made
Many a Kiss Drift Into the Still
Uncharted Night.

And the earlier you send her home,
the sooner. Tell her you will call
some day and write in her auto
graph album.
This requires a lot of Art. But
those rolled-down stockings-oh,
waiter! Can you get me a snifter?
The Manager knows me-"
MISSING THE SHOW.
The Art of Conversation in the
Home must be conducted upon
different key. Viz:
"Hello, honeyl Gosh, but I'm
tired. How about a show tonight?"
Hello, dearie. / beat you to
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

boss doesn't telephone me 10 come
to the office tonight. You know
we're getting out our quarterly
statement and 1 had to sneak out
of the office"
You now begin to wonder how
you can tip off some friend to call
you on the telephone and summon
you to the office. Because you
don't want to see "The Merry
Flop" That was the show you saw
the night you told her you were
working in the office. And the lit
tie red-haired kid that played the
ingenue-you told her you weren't
married. Seats in the front rowi
Jehosaphat!
If you cannot manage to get to
the telephone and sneak in an
s. o. s. to one of the boys, We
would advise you to develop a pain.
Make believe that the steak is chok-
ing you. II your wife cooked it
herself it will not require a great
stretch of the imagination. Then
tell her that you don't want to
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

Park for a town our size. Cuckoo
Grove was laid out on Casey's old
vacant lot, 1t was laid out, but no.
body as yet has placed a lily in its
hand, If you get me. 1t is as far
from dead as ! am from freezing.
OF course the first thing they
done was cut down the trees and
run up a high board fence around
it in case anyone was to pass there
by daylight and see what the place
really looked like. But as we made
our perfect approach this evening
we could see the top Of the Ferris
Wheel, ferrisine, or wheeling, or
whatever it does, all ablaze with
real genuine electric lights. In fact
the whole entire place was thor
oughly electrocuted with red and
green bulbs and etc.
CHANGE A TWENTY?
Naturally the first thing we done
was park the car, Joe telling
George exactly where to leave it
after George had found the place,
and then we went up TO the gate
and Joe says hey George femme six
bits, will yah, until 1 can get to
change g twenty dollar bill? And
Geo. & ! yes, sure old man. And
then n went on in while I and
Mabel Bush, in the conventional
female manner, pretended we hadn't
noticed no finances.
Well, inside on the nice soft dirt
walks, all gaily decked with pic
turesdue old paper-bags and gar
nished with banana peels, we walk
ed along hardly knowing what did
we want TO do first, but screaming
at each other to come on you scared
cat. try the Toosie Teaser, aw you
das'ant, ooh Joe, leave me be, I'm
scared, say George amt that
BCmpy-Lumps something awful,
come on, let's make the girls try
it! And etc. Until we come TO a
real cute affair made on a slant,
and you got in some washtubs and
slid around in EN- until you struck
bottom, alive or dead. This was
a very pop. almost Natl sport, on
Saturdays especially.
REAL DEVILIsH.
So Joe goes up to where il says
tickets ten cents, and Joe says say
George, have you got a half dollari
And George give him IL a simoleOn,
and so Joe paid for the tickets. and
bidding the world farewell & think
ing Of my only child, got in with
Joe, and George got in with Mabel
- 10 grrH Irurs1f-h aud al
yelled but nobody saved US, it was
too late by then, and next thing l
knew IL was al over except for
black and blue spot on my chin. 1t
certainly was a swell sensation, or
so Geo. claimed as he felt Of his
slightly sprained wrist.
Next thing, Joe spent that dime
which had been left over from Coos
fifty cents. on two real pretty pink
paper tieklers, and give EN- 10 we
girls and says now don't you 90
wagging them at no strange men, we
won't stand it, eh George, ha , ha
And Geo. says aw come on, let's
shoot the chutes And / says shoot
'em by all means, only be sure your
aim is good.
But Mabel wanted 10 20 on the
Seasick Railway, and Geo. at once
says fine, so ] decided well / guess
i will sit with Geo. this time. on
account Of all them dark tunnels.
So George went up 10 the ticket
agent, but Joe pushed him TO one
side and says no, no, old man, this
party is on me, just lemnc have a
dollar viii yuh. until j change q
twenty dollar bill, wanner pay for
thisi
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
A Night at the Park Makes Everyone
Feel Like Never Again But They
Always Do 1t Again

/ don't know how much gas / got,
we better stop and get some.
Well, we stopped at Vacuum's
Filling station, that fills its Gus
toners with hot dogs, pop, gasoline
and other motor accessories, and
while Geo. was saying better put in
ten, that Joe Bush hoped out and
got n coupla packages Of gum and
some peanuts and hoped in back
again, and the gas man says two
ninety-five, including what the other
gent got, and after a pause Geo.
says let me pay old man, and Joe
says, well, since you insist, all right,
let's go, and we did
Well. I'm telling, we sure have got
a mighty handsome Amusement
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

So Geo. give him the dollar, and
Joe generously ushered us in
through the gate which was a big
mouth, see, very novel, we thought.
And, when them little cars started,
all jammed as tight full of people
as they could hold, why I seen at
once why il was so popular, it was
just like the five-fifteen, everybody
felt at home.
The next thing we tried was the
merry-go-round, and honest / nearly
died laffing when I seen that Joe
Bush riding on a camel, and the
cracks we made about was he thirsty
and etc, was a screami Well, We
screamed them, anyways. As for
Mabel, she chose cat, it come nat
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
Geo. took lion. and took it kinda seriously"

Is to clean up his golf clubs or look
at some old paper.
Well anyways, this evening be
chose the brown Sunday pictures,
the section that prints copies of all
the current brides, snaps of the Pres.
opening a address or a can of soup
or something, a six-legged Persian
cat from Iowa, fur-bearing goldfish
that's just been presented TO some
poor fish, and other novelties such
as distinguished visitors, good cooks
and Charlie Chaplin.
But this time what Geo. was look
ing at in particular was a snap OF
Coney Island, with the big amuse-
ment parks going full tilt, twist, and
tumble. 1t was taken from the air
and il showed the crowds taking
the same, and Geo. called me to
come lookit this picture. And says
yeh, j seen it already, and he says,
but just come here a minute / wan
ner show you something.
HORSES COULDN'T DRAG HIM.
And he kept it up, so went and
booked, and Geo. says there lOokit
fhatl And they call that having a
good time, just lookit that crowd
all damned up together, fighting 10
get on them fool ferris wheels and
whatnots, he says, that is my idea
of ncshing at all to 30, you couldn't
drag me 10 one of Nem places with
q ball and chain, he says.
And says is that what you
dragged me all the way in hen for,
70 tell me that, Sweet Cookief nd
then went on back in the kibo IN
70 make sure the frost was on the
dessert.
But Hot Bozo! I hadn't been
fifere two minutes when who would
blow in only that Joe Bush and his
wife. At one glance l could see
where they was out for no good,
and the minute Joe Bush opened his
mouth he let fly one Of them bright,
original ideas Of his that he is all
the tine giving away free gratis for
nothing, whether anybody wants
them or not.
Say, folks, I've got a idea, he says.
I'm fun of pep tonight, what say
we all go down TO Cuckoo Grove
tonight and play the roller-coaster
and the chutes and everythingE l
want this to be my party, George,
this is all on me, see? Aw come on
folks, let's have some fun, what say?
GEORGE FALLS.
Well, naturally / expected what
Geo. would say wasn't conner be
anything for we ladies TO hear but
quite 70 the other hand, George was
= once all smiles. Great! he says,
] was wondering what on earth to
90, ! come home early and ! just
been moping around trying 70 think
Of something, let's 60 right on down
now and eat in the Noodle Gardens,
j do love that German Spaghetti
with boiled dogs. And I says then
why won't you eat them home, and
Geo. says for the luvya tripe, don't
crab!
And after be spoke that menu, ]
eays well j don't care 10 go, my
own personal dogs is dog-tired right
now. And George give in 10 me
lust the way he usually does. Be
lieve you me, ! have Geo. trained.
One word from me and be does as
be pieases.
SO / put on my fighting clothes
and We went on outside and George
saws 70 Joe vel old man where is
yonr car? And Joe Bush says why
fhe old lady Il In the hospital hay.
ihf her carburetOr removed,
thoueht maybe you would like 10 use
your boat, and George shys sure, but
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

On each and every green would
be q dictaphone or a stenographer
TO record each players extempor-
aneOus reasons why he done so poor
on that hole, the bad breaks he
got and how the caddy bothered him
and etc. II has often been my
experience that by the time the
game was over / could not remem-
Der exactly what was the trouble
on say the 7th or 18th but under
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

how successfully she has smeared
the goo on her lips. But don't for
get the kiss. That is uppermost in
her mind and ought to be upper
most in yours.
Many a kiss has evaporated into
the Silly unkissed Night because
Conversation drifted into a discus
sion about the League of Nations.
We advise our students to concen-
trate. CONCENTRATE! Keep
your mind on the kiss. Count one
two-three and take a long breath.
Then, without a word, take the kiss.
That is the Art of Conversation.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

many golfers would spend happier
days than they do now il they
started off on the first hole with a
one.
From the Sd. hole on, every other
hole would be equipped with segre-
gated shower baths. How many
times do you hear golfers complain
ing Of the heat by the time they get
10 the Sd. hole and il don't seem
hardly possible for them to go the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

or rather a comedian, at Landing,
New Jersey. This hole is 120 yds.
long and the green, which covers
just an acre, is built like a funnel
with the hole in the exact center, so
that if your mashie tee shot lands
on the green it can't help rolling
into the hole for a par one. A great
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
BY RING LARDNER-

rest of the 10 holes before cooling
off. The alternate holes not equip
ped with showers would be called
service stations where you could pro-
cure gin or Scotch with what is
technically known as set-ups. mean
ing ice, orange juice and plain or
charged water.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

LIES A tough little boy, n
AND HE lives somewhere.
IN OUR neighborhood.
AND ALL 1 heard.
OF WHAT he said.
TO MY boys sister.
WAS SOMETHING like this.
WELL, ] seen you hit him."
AND SHE replied.
MAYBE YOU did.
but HE'S my brother.
"AND IF any "a you kids.
LAY a nand on MIN.
YOU'LL BE sorry for it"
AND SOME time later.
HER BROTHER came in.
AND ENTERED her room.
a
WHICH WAS given over.
FOR THE afternoon.
TO THE entertainment.
OF A vast assortment.
OF PAPER dolls.
AND THE manufacture.
OF MANY more.
AND FROM what l CLEANED.
OF THE conversation.
IT HAD to do.
WITH THE tough little boy.
AND SOME other boys.
AND I heard her say.
you OUGHT to know enough.
NOT TO play with them.
"AND I'M going to tell Daddy"
AND HE replied.
eco ON and do It."
THEY KEPT on talking.
UNTIL ALL at once.
HEARD her say.
PERRY WOOD Beaton.
"YoU KEEP your hands.
"0FF MY dolls !"
AND / heard him say.
81 AMT hurting nothin'."
AND THEN in a moment.
/ HEARD him yell.
AND HURRIED in.
AND HE exclaimed.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
KIDDING OLD MAIDS.

lows, as the Night follows the Day.
If you make it clear to the cop he
will always sympathize with you.
KIDDING OLD MAIDS.
II, however, she happens to be
one Of those elderly birds who take
an interest in your psychology and
want to know what your completes
are, you are always on safe ground
if you stick to liver pads. Thus,
viz:
%Do you ever have shooting pains
In your head? / used to have them
but a liver pad cured me-"
Il don't know what you mean"
she will probably say.
Neither do l." you retort, with
an amiable smile. "But don't you
think that that little kid in the Fol-
lies-the third one from the left
is a humdinger?"
You must always be careful,
however, TO give the taxi chauffeur
a good tip to take her home safely.
Not that you care, but it looks nifty.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
Between the Lines
BY K. &. B.

SHE WENT and hit me.
"AND I didn't do nothin'."
WHICH WASN'T true.
FOR HE really had soiled.
AN EVENING gown.
OF PRETTY pink paper.
AND THEN and there.
FOR THE thousandth time.
I SAID to them.
Il DON'T understand.
"wHY YOU children can't play.
WITHOUT ALWAYS quarrel
ling"
AND THEREUPON.
DROVE the boy.
FROM HIS sisters room.
AND HE wanted to know.
COULD HE 60 out;
AND I said he could.
AND IT wasn't Ions.
AND HE came back.
AND HE was In tears.
AND IT appeared.
THAT THE tough little boy.
HAD BIFFED him one.
AND HE hurried in.
TO HIS sisters room.
AND AGAIN there came.
"
THAT DETERMINED step.
AND hEDDENED face.
'
AND THEY D0tn went out.
~ v,o,,'
AND fhUM WINDOW.
,.,,,,
On The street below.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16

II. I've got two tickets for @The
Merry Flop Way down in the
front row."
THAT'S greatl I only hope the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1925-08-16
1 and George = By Nina Wilcox Putnam
------Ameicas Only Woman Hun1orist --------------

cents, will you Geo. only got two
dimes here until get 20 dollar
bill changed. So Geo. give him it,
and We rnller-coast