davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1925-08-16

bidding the world farewell think
ing of my only child, l got in with
Joe, and George got in with Mabel
to be real devlish, see, and we all
yelled. but nobody saved us, 1t was
too late by then, and next thing
knew 1t was all over except for black
and blue spot on my chin. 1t GER
tainly was a swell sensation, or so
Geo. claimed as he felt of his slightly
sprained wrist.
Next thing, Joe spent that dime
which had been left over from Geo s
fifty cents, on two real pretty pink
paper ticklers. and give 'em to we
girls and says now don't you go wag-
ging them at no strange men. we
won't stand 1t, eh George, hal hai
And Geo. says aw come on, let's shoot
the chutes! And l says shoot 'em by
all means, only be sure your aim is
good.
But Mabel wanted to go on the
Seasick Railway, and Geo. at once
says fine, so l decided well l guess
I will sit with Geo. this time, on ac-
count Of all them dark tunnels. So
George went up to the ticket agent,
but Joe pushed him TO one side and
says no, no, old man. this party is
yuh, until l change a twenty-dollar
bill, I wanner pay for this!
r X
60 Geo. give him the dollar, and
Joe generously ushered US in
through the gate, which was a big
mouth, see, very novel, we thought
And when them little cars started,
all jammed as tight full of people
as they could hold, why / seen at
once why it was so popular, it was
just like the five-tifteen, everybody
felt at home.
The next thing we tried was the
merry -go-round, and honest I nearly
died laffing when / seen that Joe
Bush riding on a camel, and the
cracks we made about was he thirsty
and etc. was a screami Well, we
screamed them, anyways. AS for
Mabel, she chose a cat. 1t come nat
ural to her, 1 guess, while Geo took
lion, and took 1t kinda seriously.
AS for me. ! didn't even take
sleighs, they amt so easy to fall out
of. Anyways, Geo. got the gold ring,
and asked Mabel to marry him with
1t, and we all says, ha, hai, what a
scream, come on, let's get a cream
cone and try the roller-coaster.
So Geo. bought us some cones, and
Joe rushed up to the roller coaster and
says just slip me sixty cents, will you
Geo. only got two dimes here until
get 20 dollar bill changed So Geo.
give him it, and we roller-coasted.
And Hot Bozo, some people claim
the universal language is Love, but
/ contend where 1t is Roller Coaster
on account every person on that in
vention made the same remark at
the same time for the same reason
Evening star., 1925-08-16

knives and tell 'em to cut their initials
in the furniture?"
IF the worse comes to the worst, -
snaps the misses, they can spend the
time just looking at you. If that don't
keep EN- rocking with laughter they're
hopeless"
IF they get laugh out of me-" 1
shoots back, they ought to get hys-
terra out of you picking me for a pro-
wider when you had all of them mil
lionaires to choose from. Wasn't
George Palmer one of your sweeties
once?"
What of it?" comes back the frau
Nothing" says l, but if you'd of
hooked up with him you'll spent the
rest of your life cadging week end in
vitations in order to keep up your eat
ing average. If it wasn't for dining
out the Palmers would be entirely out
of dining
Maybe" slams back the misses,
but I'd of married a man who acts
like a gentleman if I'd taken George" :"
X X
"WHIcH would you rather do?" I
w asks. Eat with a gent in a
beanery or high hat the walters at the
Ritz with a rough diamond?"
You being the diamond?" inquiries
the wife sarcastic.
Evening star., 1925-08-16

George says sure, but I don't know
how much gas l got, we better stop
and get some.
Well, we stopped at Vacuum's Fill
ing station, that fills its customers
with hot dogs, pop, gasoline and other
motor accessories, and while Geo. was
saying better put in ten, that Joe
Bush hoped out and got a coupla
packages of gum and some peanuts
and hoped in back again, and the gas
man says two-ninety five including
what the other gent got, and after a
pause Geo. says let me pay old man,
and Joe says, we'll, since you insist,
all right. let's go. and we did.
Well, I'm telling, we sure have got
a mighty handsome Amusement Park
for a town our size. Cuckoo Grove
it was laid out, but nobody as yet has
placed a lily in its hand, if you get
me. 1t is as far from dead as I am
from freezing.
OF course the first thing they done
was cut down the trees and run up a
high board fence around II in case
any one was to pass there by day
light and see what the place really
looked like. But as we made our per-
feet approach this evening we could
see the top of the Ferris Wheel, fer
does, all ablaze with real genuine cleo
tric lights. In fact the whole entire
place was thoroughly electrocuted
with red and green bulbs and etc.
X
NATURALLY the first thing we
done was park the car. Joe telling
George exactly where to leave it after
George had found the place, and then
we went up TO the gate and Joe says
hey George lemme six bits, will yah.
until l can get to change a. twenty
dollar bill? And Geo. says yes, sure
old man. And then we went on in
while 1 and Mabel Bush, in the con-
ventional female manner, pretended
we hadn't noticed no finances.
Well, inside on the nice soft dirt
walks, all gaily decked with pictur-
esque old paper bags and garnished
with banana peels, we walked along
hardly knowing what did we want
to do first, but screaming at each
other to come on you scared cat, try
the Toosie Teaser, aw you das'ant,
ooh, Joe. leave me be. I'm scared,
say, George, amt that Bumpy-Lumps
something awful, come on. let's make
the girls try il, And etc. Until we
come to a real cute affair made on a
slant, and you got in some washtubs
and slid around in 'em until you
struck bottom, alive or dead. This
was a. very pop, almost Natl sport.
on Saturdays especially.
SO Joe goes up to where 1t says
tickets 10 cents, and Joe says, say
George, have you got a half dollar?
And George gave him u a simoleon,
and so Joe paid for the tickets, and
Evening star., 1925-08-16

Roughly speaking it was ooOOHOOoo!
and roughly speaking is exactly what
l mean.
Well, by now I had quite a nice
collection of souveniers a bump on
my chin, one on my head. a lame arm
and a sore toe. So / SAYS come on,
let's eat, then maybe we will have the
strength for more punishment. So we
all went over to the Noodle Gardens,
which was a nice wooden shack, all
screened tight SOS TO keep the flies in,
and we had a dandy supper of hot
dogs, drinks. candy and cream sand
wiches with a few pretZels on the side,
and check for one eighty.
Well Joe says, hey George, gimme
that check. unless you insist. BY say
ing which he didn't really give George
pay 1t. and threw in one Of the dimes
WELL. after this meal we felt pret-
ty good for a while and threw
some rings at some canes that didn't
seem able to catch 'em. Then as soon
as Joe had borrowed a dollar from
Geo. we fired at a few poor harmless
dumb clay pigeons and Geo. pretty
near hit one.
But by the time Joe had snapped
his twenty dollar bill a coupla times
more TO show 1t wasn't broken yet,
and let Geo. oblige him with the price
of admission to a few glasses of ice
cream sodas, and tickets to the for
tune tellers, why | got terrible de-
pressed feeling. like my finances had
indigestion, and l says aw come on,
let's go home. and the ayes had it,
Well nAIurallV drove the .IOe
Bushes to their house. and we says
good night. We certainly had a Won
derful time. And Joe says oh don't
mention 1t. I'm only too glad to of
taken you. And then | and Geo. went
on along home and / listened TO the
Rioters Lament all the way, although
l knew the words and music good
enough TO of sung il myself. Never
again, not on your life, never againr'
That's how the chorus goes.
But you know how it is, when
once you start a thing like that. One
taste, and you get the hankering. So
with my poor husband. 1t wasn't over
a week later before 1 caught him on
the phone and what in the world If
he wasn't asking them Joe Bushes to
go over to Cuckoo Grove with us and
have little fun
Well, George Jules, I says when he
hung up. OF all things. l says, did
they accept? And Geo. says yes. sure
they did, Joe wanted 1T to be on him
again. but nothing doing, l insisted it
was my turn to treat. it's more eco
nomical in the end. even If l gotter
admit that Joe Bush can make a
twenty dollar bill go further then any
man / ever saw!
Copyright. 1925D
Evening star., 1925-08-16
BY STEPHEN LEACOCK.

w YHY is it that when man
n attainS to a comfortable
wv fortune and hires people
to build him a vast house
about 20 feet one way and
100 feet the other, he actually thinks
that he has built it himself?
Why is it that when a man Is rich
enough to hire a French chef to cook
dinner he thinks that he himself
has cooked it?
Why is 1t that when a man pos
sesses a $4,000 car he thinks that he
made it himself. and when he hires
chauffeur in livery he believes himself
an authority on the gasoline engine?
These are profound problems of
psychology. The professors of that
subject talk to us of a man expand
ing his personality" and / think 1t
must be the name of it.
An example in point is that of my
good friend Mr.. Newbolt, who has
made so much money out of whole
sale hay and fodder that he has been
able to build himself an italian palace
beside a lake The palace and the
lake and all the scenery have now
passed from the hands Of nature to
those of Mr.. Newbolt and over them
all he expands his personality.
I had the pleasure one afternoon
last week of visiting Mr.. Newbolt at
his castle.
Now here" he said to me with a
wave of his hand, lis where you, get
the best view of the place"
Mr.. NeWbolt was standing at the
corner of the lawn where 1t sloped,
dotted with great trees, to the banks
of the little lake. He wore on his
short circular person the Summer cos
tune of a man taking his ease and
careless of dress, plain white flannel
trousers. not worth more than 10 dol
lars leg, an ordinary white silk shirt
with a rolled collar, that couldn't have
cost more than Is dollars, and on his
head an ordinary panama hat, say 40
dollars.
Its a lovely place" said.
Isn't it?" answered Mr.. Newbolt
But you ought to have seen it when
l took hold of it. To make the
motor road alone l had to dynamite
out about one hundred yards of rock,
and then l fetched up cement, tons
and tons of it, and boulders to but
tress the embankment-"
Did you really" l exclaimed.
"Yes, and even that was nothing
to the house itself Do you know. /
had to go at least 40 feet for the
foundations. First 1 went through
about 20 feet of clay. after that l
struck sand, and I'd no sooner got
through that than, by George! /
landed in feet of water.
Il had to pump 1t out; l think l
took out a thousand gallons before
got clear down TO the rock. Then
Evening star., 1925-08-16

ing $50 a week from pictures alone.
In few years this had jumped to
$500. And, of course, this was a mere
beginning
THE Adventures of Dolly" a serial.
made her famous. In almost no time
as the evolution of the motion picture
brought the big feature films, she was
a great star.
Why did Griffith select Mary Pick
ford to appear under his direction?
Griffith was a pioneer of the screen.
His experience as a director was at
that time not great Still he was
molding motion picture production
with a sure and skillful hand He
was constantly developing new fea-
lures in the pictures he produced.
in 1908 Lillian Russell and Maxine
Elliott still represented the ideal type
of beauty in this country. Tall,
statuesque women were favorites on
the stage, particularly in musical
comedies, where every effort was made
to please the eye-a practice which is
common, of course, with that in the
movies.
Griffith conceived the idea that
small girls and women would have
more of an appeal on the screen than
big ones.
When he discovered Mary Pickford
in a David Belasco show it was at
the end of a search which had taken
him through most of the New York
theaters.
Mary at the time was at the peak
of her career. In earlier days she and
Jack Pickford, with their mother, had
played in meiodrama.
Mary and Jack alternated in boy
and girl roles. Mary was the older
If the part in the play made the boy
older and bigger than the girl, she
PLAYED the boy and Jack the girl. but
if the girl were the older, then she
resumed her sex.
Copyright. 19s5.)
Evening star., 1925-08-16
Segregated Showers on Golf Course
Combined With New Service Stations

the time the game was over I could
not remember exactly what was the
trouble on say the seventh or twelfth
but under our clubs system these
things would all be Transcribed and
pasted up in the locker room almost
before YOU was through changing
your clothes and you could gather all
the good listeners around and read
the report TO them verbatim like you
thought it happened in the first
place.
A it is a good deal 'of trouble TO re-
place divots, the fairways would
be stocked with angleworms and the
following offer made TO all the fisher
men in the neighborhood:
IF you will stick around and put
the divots back where they come from,
you are welcome TO all the worms you
can find in each individual divot."
1t might be necessary to sow a new
mess of worms every couple months
though it is also possible that worms
has kiddies tchildrenl who would soon
grow up TO fill the gaps left by their
departed parents.
In the woods and rough which gen.
orally always skirts the fairways and
which is frequented by slicers and
hookers would be stationed a corps of
Boy Scouts or Woodmen of the World
or Independent Order Of ForeSters
whose duty it would be to converse
with whoever is in there looking for
his ball. Many is the time I have
stayed in those kind of places for a
hour at A time with nobody to talk TO
but caddy who did not seem TO listen
TO nothing I said or make no effort TO
do nothing himself but mutter.
To satisfy f1nicky golfers we would
have two water holes but they would
be the kind like I once seen on
course out north of Chicago vile a
guest of Mr.. a. D. Lasker. The
lakes had cement bottoms and walls
and faucets and a waste stopper like
in bath tub. They was right close
to the tee and before we PLAYED them,
we let all the water out. Then we
topped our drives and the ball. hitting
the cement bottom. would bounce a
mile in the air and carry over 200
yards down the fairway.
Our caddies would be provided with
school text books or instructive read
ing matter of some kind in the case
that they had to carry clubs for some
body like Cyril Walker who addresses
a ball as long as a spellbinder does a
audience.
The only other special improve.
ment / can think of now is that the
last twelve holes would be all down
hill and that ladies would be permitted
on the course between midnight and
am
Evening star., 1925-08-16

possible for them to go the rest Of
the Is holes before cooling off. The
alternate holes not equipped with
showers would be called service sta
tions where you could procure gin or
Scotch with what is technically known
as set-ups, meaning ice, orange juice
and plain or charged water.
On each and every green would be
a dictaphone or a stenographer to
record each players extemporaneous
reasons why he done so poor on that
hole, the bad breaks he got and how
the caddy bothered him and etc. It
has often been my experience that by
Evening star., 1925-08-16
THEN FETCHED UP CEMENT-ToNs AND TONS OF IT."

"I wonder you aren't afraid of it,"
I said.
"One simply gets used to it. that's
ALL" said Newboldt, Struggling his
shoulders: but of course it is dan
gerous. I blew up two Italians on
the last job" He paused a minute
and added musingly, Hardy fellows.
the Italians. 1 prefer them to any
other people for blasting"
Did you blow them up yourself?"
I asked.
II wasn't there" he answered. I'm
fact, ] never care to be here when
I'm blasting. We go to town. But
I had to foot the bill for them, all the
same. Quite right, too. The risk, of
course, was mine, not theirs; that's
the law, you know. They cost me
two thousand each"
IT'S certainly lovely place,
though" 1 ventured to say. even If
1t has meant tremendous lot Of
work. 1 suppose you never come
here in the Winter? 1t must be ter
ribly cold"
"Oh. but I do, though. come
often. In fact. with the heating ap-
paratus I've installed in the house, I
Evening star., 1925-08-16
An Alchemist's Dream.

THAT the dream of medieval al
l. chemists of forcing nature to give
up her secret of how to make gold is
nearing practical realization is the pre-
diction freely made in German scien-
tif1c circles. In the seclusion of their
laboratories German scientists are
working on this problem with great
energy and secrecy.
Prof. A. Miethe, famous scientist of
the Charlottenburg Technical High
School, whose announcement of sue
'cessfully making gold out of mercury
created a sensation in the scientific
world, now is reported to have closed
a contract with the Siemens- -Schuckert
Company of Berlin for further devel-
opment and realization on a practical
commercial basis of his discoveries.
Evening star., 1925-08-16


"A tention of a motion picture
\ director who was out scouting
for a child who would possess
her type of beauty.
He hastened to sign her to a con-
tract to act for the screen under his
direction. In course of time she be-
came the best known woman in the
world.
The little girl was Mary Pickford
The director was David Wark Grit
fifth.
Picture stars of the magnitude of
Mary Pickford would think them
selves in the throes of a horrible
nightmare were they asked to nego-
tiate contract on the terms then
discussed by Mary Pickfcrd and her
mother, Mrs. Smith, on one side and
Griffith on the other.
One phase of the negotiations stands
out above all others. It illustrates the
character of Mary Pickford-a char
acter which receives the tribute of
admiration from all who come in con-
tact with her.
Griffith had offered to duplicate the
salary she was paid on the speaking
stage to get her into pictures.
You can have two positions" he
said "You can keep your present job,
working at night, and then in the
day you can work for me-"
That seemed a reasonable enough
proposition. 1t meant something to
appear ir a Belasco production and
one didn't of ones own accord quit
his management hastily. Moreover,
the movies were not then in great
repute among stage folks.
But
do you think, Mr. Grif1th, that
ever will be able to get $50 week in
Evening star., 1925-08-16

took my solid steel beams in fifty
foot longths," here Mr.. Newbolt imi.
tated with his arms the action of a
man setting up a steel beam, "and
set them upright and bolted them on
the rock.
4" FTER that I threw my steel
girders across, clapped on my
roof rafters, all steel, in sixty-foot
pieces, and then just held 1t easily,
just supported it bit, and let 1t sink
gradually to its place"
"How did you manage" I asked,
ito get the electric power? I see you
have it all through the place"
DO you know, you'd hardly believe
it," said Mr.. Newboldt. Il had to
build two miles of line TO bring it in.
And, mind you, had to do the whole
thing myself-every POKE, every inch
of wire-it all fell on me-"
But here he went on. you can
Judge something of the work I've had
TO do round this place. Look off side
ways and you can see the gap in the
rock where I put the road through.
I must have exploded ton and half
Of dynamite on it."
Evening star., 1925-08-16

nv HIGH would you rather
\A eo aeo" 5%sH iRa1irss ssr he 'sa misses 5sss;
end or have some folks
out to the house Friday
Saturday and Sunday?"
Between the two" l returns, I'D
much rather go to bed with the
mumps."
II thought" remarks Kate, that
you liked to take trips out of town."
Il do" I admits, when l can pick
the time and the place, but you can
scratch me when it comes to them
junkets to Atlantic City. for instance,
over holiday stretches
whats the matter with 'em?" asks
the frau.
Matter" l yelps. DO you think
they is any fun in jamming into chair
cars with sweatty crowds, and then
getting on your knees to one of them
hotel bandits and begging for a two
by-four room over the kitchen at S25
bucks per the diem?"
We'll" says the wife, 'it may not
be so comfortable getting to those re-
sorts, but it's pretty good when you
get there"
1t might be" l returns, ''if you
didn't have to begin worrying right
away how you were going to get back
with that Sunday night mob crashing
the ticket offices. There's only one
thing worse than a week end trip
and
What's that?" cuts in Kate.
Having a bunch of week enders
make a road house out of your resi-
dence over the week end
You can thank me-" remarks the
frau, for saving you from trip out
of town. The Greens and the Palmers
wanted us to go with EN-"
How'd you stall out of it, sweetie?"
I asks gratefully.
by asking them" replies the
misses cody. ito stay with us over
Labor day. They were glad to come"
You did what?" yelps. II thought
you asked me what I'd rather have
"Just a matter OF form" answers
the frau, airy.
"A week end party" / barks, lis
hell, but a party with the Palmers and
the Greens is hell and high water
Like 1 said, don't like trips, but I'd
much rather take trip to Munich
Chunk, Pa, on top of coal car and
spend a couple of days in the garbage
incinerator down there than gather up
with them fiatheads for three days.
Didn't you say yourself you were
off 'em after their visit here last
Year,"
They're not so bad" says the wife
apologetically.
X X
IS A LII right" I returns, "but don't
ask me to count the silver and
the towels after they leave. You
never did find those three salad forks
Evening star., 1925-08-16

green, which covers just an acre, is
built like a funnel with the hole in
the exact center, so that if your
mashie tee shot lands on the green
it can't help rolling into the hole for
a par one. A great many golfers
would spend happier days than they
do now If they started off on the first
hole with a one.
From the third hole on, every other
hole would be equipped with segre-
do you hear golfers complaining of
the heat by the time they get to the
third hole and it don't seem hardly
Evening star., 1925-08-16
Longest Railway.

THE longest railroad in the world is
not in the United States. BY the
recent completion of connecting link
there is now a continuous line of
track from Meekathearra in West
Australia to Dajarra, In Queensland,
a distance of 5,433 miles The line from
Vancouver to Halifax Is 1922 miles
long and San Francisco to New York
S,109 miles