The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1925-06-25
SMILIN' THU
BY GORDON COOPER
Copyright 1925 by Gordon Cooper
PULLING THE STOPPER
OUT OF THE BAP-
rI,IcAxAI q, ArK

Abs a-gwine ter read de Scriptur'
OBJ st. Mathew twen'y-three,
Jes' ter prove dat Chris de Master
Wuz a Methods lax me.
Hit reads dar 20 Jerusalem,
How of'en All tried ter bring
Yo' folks togedder lax de hen
Broods chickens beneath her
wing"
Eff Jesus had been a Baptis'-
Jes' ez sho' eZ Gavin grows
shucks-
He wouldn't a-said no chickens,
De Lawd would a-called 'em
ducks!
"Hit's disgracefuI," snorted Doc.
Bloom, "fer desc sprinklin' Neither
dis ter allus bein' jellus OBJ de Bap-
it's.
"Ef dey had common hawse sense
dey'd know dat yo' CANT wash no
sins away by jes' sprinklin. Dat
doan do nothin' but make spots
on 'em. Spotted sheep-dat's whut
dey is!
"While we wuz a-holdin' our per-
tracted meetin' las week All give
de invertation fer de sinners ter
come to de mourner's bench an
git religion. All said, Come up an
! hab yo' sins washed away in de
blood OBJ de LAM An dey wuz a
young smart-alecky niger said
Abs done got nah sins washed
away ober ter de Methods Chech.
can All toll i'm right ter his
face, 'Yo' amt had yo' sins wash
ed away; yo' is jes been dry clean
ed"
When this was reported to Rev
'un jeremiah Montague Williams,
pastor of the Mount Rehoboam Afri-
can Methodist Episcopal Church,
South, that propounder of the Cos
pei swelled up like poisoned pup.
"Huh! Disgraceful, does he say ?
Why disgracefulness is de on'y thing
that splashin' preacher amt
got nothin' else but!
"Jes' on'y las week, after he git
thru wild dat pertracted meetin' over
ter his chech, he had de mos dis
gracefulest sight dat de Lawd eber
seen when dey had de baptism down
ter de creek!
"Yo' know dat haf breed niger
whut's ha'f Indyun an haf niger
dat dey calls Toby Etowah? Well
Toby wuz a-squattin' on de bank
OBJ de creek while de baptizin' wu2
a-goin' on. An he amt got no mo
religion dan a jack rabbit. He wua
ies' a-squattin' dere fer ter see de
sights an a-puffin' on his Gavin col
pipe.
An de candidates wuz a-shoutin
an a-cuttin' up somepen scan'elous
Yo' know how desc Baptis cranki
allus thinks dey's got ter hollel
an clap dey hans when dey comes
up out OBJ de water.
Well, Toby wuz jes' a-sittin' der
on de bank OBJ de creek, perfectly in
; nercent, mine yo', an Doc. Bloom
gifts mix up wild all dem niggers a
shoutin' an a-cuttin' up lax ilv'
fish whuts throwed inter boilin
water, an he reach up an grail
Toby. Dat niger wuznt no cant
date, but Doc. Bloom grab i'm an
souse i'm down in dat water befo
he kin say Jack Robertson.
But Toby doan say nothin', an
af'er he git out OBJ de water h,
hunt eroun' an fin his pipe an
squat dere dryin' off while he's a
putin on de oil Gavin cob.
De mex niger whut Doc. Bloom
babtizes is Sis Paisley an she's go
de bigges' mouf' in de county. Whel
she come up out oh de water sh'
slap her hans an yell, All SEES
JESUS!
An Toby wuz a-squattin' der
gain like he wuz hipmertized a
somepen on de odder bank OBJ d
creek. An when Sis Paisley holler
All sees Jesus, Toby say, HITS
A DAM LIE! HITS A BULL
FROG! All SEES I'M
Disgraceful! Huh! OATS de dis
gracefules' thing All ever seed!
%*+N*s
OF course it wasn't long befor
these sneernig remarks We're car
, ried to Doc. Bloom. He becam
, so angry while listening that h
swallowed his cud of tobacco, Whe
he had regained his breath he sput
, tered
, "Whut Abs got ter say ter da
, triflin' mud singer amt gonna b
no love feas' An Abs gonna sa
hit FUN de pulpit mex Sunday. A
amt gonna vase nah time carry
in on no argument, an All ain
gonna lower nah dignity. Whut All
got Ter say AN gonna say ~
squar' widout no hummin' an haw
in. Abs gonna tell de truf, de Who'll
truf an nuthin' but de truf. Ar
when All gifts thru wild dat back
bitin' niger he's gonna look lax he
been skinned an his hide nailed u
on de barn ter dry"
ss&Ass !
Whereupon Dec. Bloom took an
other big chew of Virginia Twis
and stumped away, muttering t.
himself and trying vainly to thin
of something caustic to say abou
Rev'un jeremiah Montague Williams
sSNx*s