Evening star., 1925-10-12
THIS AND THAT
BY CHARLES E. TRACEWELL.

I coming publicity director for the Dis
trict Of Columbia, with his attention to
be directed toward getting national
representation for Washingtonians.
All podsnappery would be under the
| ban, and Congress would be forced to
do for the District Of Columbia what
common sense and the glory OF our
| country require to be done for the
Capital of great Nation.
That's plain enough!
II were dictator, I would abolish
all the mail slots In front doors and
| require postmen to wait until the
door was opened, as they used to do
| In the good old days. when the mail
man was your personal friend.
! Now the only time you see him is
| at Christmas.
I would make it capital ofYense
| for q secretary Of any business man
to call on the telephone, then say.
| Just a moment. please while you
hold the line, to discover whether her
boss wants the desired party to call.
| She will have to find this out before
she calls when / become dictator Of
the District of Columbia.
Any one caught hurting a dog or
cat will be sent to Atlanta, where
| they have nice penitentiary.
! would require that the Public
| Library be given sufficient funds to
buy books and hire personnel as re-
! quired.
/ would institute IA court for street
| car offenders, In which would be tried
the Lady Who Steps on Your Toes
| and the Gentleman Who Won't Move
over and the Large Lady Who Simply
VIII Not Move Forward
| I would offer a public reward for
the discovery Of one man who does
not talk about himself all the time.
! If were dictator, I would Danish all
bells, chimes and loud-ticking clocks
and require that milk vendors place
their precious nuid in rubber-bottomsd
bottles and hire deaf and dumb dis
| tributors and provide them with noise
| less wagons.
| The man who insists on racing his
engine" when he puts his car away at
midnight would be subject to q severe
fine, Imprisonment, or both-prefer-
ably both.
! I would require that every person in
| Washington read Dickens Christmas
Carol" at least once a year, II not
/ oftener.
I would make the writing Of verse
| by ordinary folk something outside
the law, and require a tax Of 81 word
on such Illicit writing.
| l would not allow people 10 have
one set Of manners for visitors and
another set for "home folk
| All members Of families would have
to say CHEEKY Good morning" to
each other before breakfast, not after.
Any employe who refused to laugh
at the boss Joke would be shot at
sunset for q fool
I would fine heavily any ladies
| caught watching their neighbors' fur
! niture on moving day"
I would forbid the placing OF me
ringue on lemon pies. or whipped
cream on sodas or any other article
| Of diet whatsoever.
! / would demand that drug stores
restore little tables to their floors, and
| put the straws back on the counter
| and would make II mandatory that
| banks abolish the charge Of so cents
| when your account runs below 800.
I would require traction companies
TO change their street car "ads" daily
and to spell "neighborhood" properly
/ would forbid the Government de
! partments to issue annual reports.
| But the very first thing I would do,
| if / were dictator of the District Of
| Columbia, would be to buy Willie
| Smith a new pair Of pants,