The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-06-28
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suggestion for . Party Platform

Suggestion for Party Platform We, the delegates of the party of the peepul, coghizant of the fact that you can fool some of the people most of the time. some of the people some of the time and most of the people all the time, hereby adopt the following platform:
 ARMY AND NAVY
 l. We are for a larger navy and smaller rocks. We would limit destroyers to eight to a reef. We think accidental explosion on all battleships wholly unnecessary, We nre for less ridiculous styles in mems hats in the navy and we pledge the party to work for a reduction in the sweetheart quota from the One-1n- -Every-Port basis to the 5-5-S ratio. We thing the army satisfactory, but would greatly reduce the number of Army Surplus Stock Sales Stores in American cities.
 FARMERS
 2. We think something should be done for the farmer. We would suggest shaving his neck, taking the squeak out of his parIor shoes and providing one good burlesque the ater within flivver distance of every farm center. We think that in return the farmer should agree not to water the milk or write first messages on fresh country eggs.
 SUFFRAGE
 3. We welcome women to full rights with men in the party councils and after due ob- servation of the tendency in summer skirts we most emphatically welcome them to A place in the sun.
 WORLD TRADE
 4. We believe in world trade It is good thing to have (See bunk in previous platforms.)
 KU KLUX KHAN
 5. Question received and placed on the table. A vote is vote whether it comes in a sheet or a business suit.
 PROHIBITION
 It has been called to our attention that prohibition now exists in America, but we believe such a statement grossly exaggerated We believe that enforcement agents should shoot fewer innocent bystanders. We hold that $75 is too much for a case of anything.
 JAPANESE POLICY
 z. We are for peace with Japan if we have to fight for it. We feel that America should admit more Japanese and fewer Hungarian counts. It is our belief that there would be no crisis between the United States and Japan if the Japanese ambassador signed his notes Dictated but not read'
 ENGLISH QUESTION
 8. We are for better understanding be- tween Great Britain and the United States and to this end we would muzzle our am bassadors, keep them in long trousers and prohibit them driving around London in open Fords.
 We favor limiting the importation of Eng fish lecturers to 250 per year. We recom- mend that if visitors like Sir Conan Doyle say they have tin-types of ectoplasms we ives" them and avoid hard feeling We hold that America should have only the friendliest feelings for England as long as the Prince of Wales doesn't start any riding schools in this country.
 FLAPPERS
 g. We are for limitation of blandishments. We believe flapperism has gone far enough, perhaps farther. We urge that flappers wear some distinguishing insignia when out with their mothers so spectators can tell which is which.
 ROBBED HAIR
 10. We consider bobbed hair an accom- plished fact. American women now lead the world in this fact. We hold this to be their own fault.
 ROMANCE
 il. We point with pride to the number of 'No Parking" signs put up under the leadership of our great party and view with alarm the number taken down by the last administration. We pledge ourselves to work unflinchingly for the restoration of indoor spooning and federal regulation of outdoor betting parties.
 WORLD COURT
 12 We think this issue is dead and we are unable to get het up over it in view of the fact that halibut is selling at 45 cents a pound, chuck steak at 38 cents, eggs at 50 cents a dozen, and that even box of crack CTS that used to sell for a nickel is now 15 cents.
 ONE-PIECE BATHING SUITS, ETC. 13. We condemn one-piece bathing suits, the opposition party, Frank Tinney, Count Won Sahlm, loud speakers, static, the use of pennants on touring cars and the practice of browning fried eggs on both sides. (P. S.-We specifically state that nothing herein contained can be used against us.)