davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02

| town, but when you ask him where he
comes from he bushes aud says Cas-
cade. Iowa. Joseph means he shall
add whereas l have played golf with
Joseph and / thought he spent most
Of his time subtracting.
Paul of course means little. typi-
cal example of which was Paul Des
,jardiens that use to play center on
the University of Chicago team and it
took steeple jack to look him in the
eye. Harold, which is used like Percy
and Algernon to denote kind of sis
sy, really means a champion or the
general of army and incidently AL
gernon means with whiskers. Thomas
means twin, so il l ever have the
naming of pair Of twins i will in
sist on them both being named
Thomas. Henry means the head or
chief of the house because Of course
most Henrys was named before their
mothers knowed their wife.
Finally the name Calvin means
bald and I suppose that is how he
was at. the time they named him. but
in this connection I don't mind stat
ing that / would rather have his hair
than be President.
Copyright, 1924. by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
No Harm Done

Judge Smith sat on the circuit
bench in Missouri many years ago. lie
was known far and wide as one Of
the most patient and long suffering
judges in the state. Procedure in his
court was free and easy, and gross,
indeed, was the offense If it called
forth a rebuke from Judge Smith.
On one case it is told that the OPP
posing lawyers settled down to their
arguments before the jury without
any time limitations and with a boun-
tiful supply of chewing tobacco. While
one argued the other one chewcd,
and while the second one talked the
first caught I'D with his chewing. The
two lawyers talked from s o'clock ono
morning until past 6 o'clock that
afternoon. The jury listened patient
ly and the judge alternately slept and
read. At last, however, the lawyers
announced that they were through
with their pleadings.
And now, gentlemen Of the jury
Judge Smith began. these two geil-
tlemen have spoken long and eloquent
ly- on the law in this case. However,
you are not to take into consideration
one way or the other any of their
arguments on this point Of law. The
last Legislature repealed the law. any
way '"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
Fully Protected

Briggs and his wife were starting
out for ride in the car.
Il tell you. We don't get out in
the open enough in the winter time. 7"
Mr.. Briggs observed. "Nothing like
This car isn't working like il
ought 70. Only hitting on three. "
Maybe we had better go back, -
Mrs. Briggs suggested.
Nope. It'll be all right when ii
gets warmed up Mr.. Briggs spoke
with assurance.
Just then they came 10 a hill and
the car climbed TO the top only with
great difficulty.
Guess I'll have to take n look and
sec what the trouble is" Briggs an
nounced.
He pulled over to the side of the
road and got ont and raised the hood
After short investigation he raised
up and announced to the Mrs:
Just a spark plug missing"
"Well." commented the Mrs.
Isn't 1T just fine that you have
theft insurance."
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
Names Don't Mean ANYTHING
BY RING LARDNER

To the editor:
For people that is beginning to get
tired of bridge, nah jongg, finch or
radio speechs on "Controllin the
Binding Glare of Automobile Head.
lights" and etc. we can't think of nc
more exciting way Of spending a
March evening than to get hold of a
dictionary where they's list of peo-
pies first names in it and the mean
ing of same and look them all over
and see how many of your friends has
names that fits them.
a few hours indulgents in this pas
time has convinced the undersigned
that parents should ought to first
make careful study of what often
call nomenclature and then before
they christian their offsprings, wait
till the latter is at lease 40 yrs. old so
as they will have some kind Of idear
as to what will they be like.
Leave us take for example the name
Clara which is the same name as
Clarice, Clarissa and Claire. Well
which ever you call it. it means
bright. Then take the name Belle and
Bertha, the both of which means
beautiful. Well 1 don't know what my
readers experience is, but my own
has been that practally all gals named
Clara and etc. are so dumb that they
half to have tutor to get them
through list. grade recess. Whereas
with one or two exceptions the Bellies
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02

when a fond mother names her b,bv
Rosamond, she maybe figures the Mt
tie one will grow up to either be a
Fly net or president of the S. p. C. A.
The name Ruth, means beauty. but
that is the female and it don't refer to
him who | have nicknamed the sultan
OF swat. Last but not lease they's tbe
name Mildred which means mild
threatener and might state along
these lines that l once tried to hold
hands with gal named Mildred and
she said don't do that or you will half
TO go home.
Hair Worth More Than Presidency.
In regards to mems names. the old
folks seems to of guessed little bet.
ter in a few cases. 1 amt sure if Val
entino's right name is Valentino or
Nick the greek but If Rodolph VAL
cntino is correct, why his people had
stroke of genius as Rodolph means
hero and Valentino means strong.
Further and more the name Frederick
means peaceful ruler and the name
William means defense. so the ex-
kaiser's folks certainly hit the nail on
the hammer when they christened him
Friedrich Wilhelm as all as he ever
wanted was for other countries to
leave Germany alone but had to de-
fend himself when Belgium and Por-
tugal got nasty.
On the other hand they's Red Fa-
Der the White Sox pitcher who was
christened Urban which means Of the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
By GEORGE ABE.

then E1vira made the Star Play Of
her life. The Trio got into a Parlor
Car and went right up to the City
to drop a few Dividends into the
Slot and take out more or less Social
Prominence. Alec was going side
ways and trying to derail the Expe-
dition. but Elvira ordered him to tale
hold OF her Dress and keep close be-
hind and she would land him right in
among the Chosen and Elect.
For a Time after arriving in Town
they lived at a Hotel, but the Street
Cars made 80 much Noise that no one
heard of their being on the Scene.
Alec began to get Lonesome. so he
warmed up to the Porter at the Hotel
and was getting chummy with the
Night Clerk when Elvira told him 10
drop it, and said il they wished TO
be mistaken for the Real Thing they
must give all Subordinates and En-
ployes the dull Eye and pretend not
to see them. go
Elvira had been looking over the
Ground and she said that in. order
for them TO get into the Running 1t
would be necessary to take a House
out on the Avenue and begin to
entertain every one who had a Drag.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
How Alexander Went Over the Jumps

Once there was a Man named Alex
andcr who lived in Town that vi
brated with Excitement for full
Week after n Donation Party. Mus
of the Village looked rs if Higf
Wind would take it away. but ther,
were two Brick Blocks with red Gal
vanized Iron COrnices and a ginger
bread Court House that had put thJ
rural Taxpayers into the Hole for 200
years to come.
When a Stranger happened along
every one who lived there told him
it was Nice Little Town for fear
| that he wouldn't be able to find il
out for himself.
Alexander owned a Plant in this
Town. By Close Figuring he had sue
ceeded in getting enough of the hate
/ full Rhino TO enable him TO build
large pink-and-yellow House with
more than $1,000 worth of jigsaw
Scallops tackled all over it. The Wife
of Alexander was Elvira and their
daughter was Farina, the Name bav-
! ing been found in q Cook Book.
When the Family sat on the Piazza
Of their Palatial Home the Sun got
into their eyes SO that they were I'M
able to Recognize the Common Run
Of Town People. who got along by
delivering Milk and raising their own
Truck.
The I-knew.H er-When Club.
Elvira and Farina went 10 Europe
one Summer with a Personally con-
Quoted Drove that had been picked
up and driven in from as far as
Walla Walla. They came home with
their Carry-Alls full of Junk and
began TO use little French. While
doing the Grand Tour of the Hotels
they had met some Lovely Gentle
men who wore gloves even when they
were not working around the Horses.
So it was pretty tough to come back
and settle down among the Pro
vincials who wore the S27.SS kind
from Eisenstein's.
Alexander began TO observe a new
Order of Things. Instead of putting
the entire Supply of Victuals out on
the Table so that All Hands could
pitch in, Elvira had the Courses
brought in a little Dab at a time.
Alec put up medium Holler. but he
WIS overruled in such n Jiffy that he
never came back. He had 10 learn to
use an individual Butter Dish and
Finger Bowl with q Fruit and Vege- |
table Exhibit sailing around in it.
1t soon became evident that Elvira |
and Farina' were getting too Swag- |
ger TO be tied down to Water-Tank. |
They wanted TO HE away to the |
City, where they could mingle with |
their own Kind Also Elvira's wanted |
to get outside the Sphere of Influ- |
ence of lot of spiteful Old Tables |
who had organized the I-knew-her-
when Club.
They had Elvira's Record just
about right. including Names and |
Dates. They had put on their Yer
million and Feathers and were out
Ghost-dancing and waving their Tom
ahawks because Elvira had got so
high and lofty that she couldn't see
where they came III at all. they
said she seemed to forget the Time
when she had to give Lessons on the
Melodeon and could have put all ner
buds into a Hat Box.
Elvira's Star Play.
When Alec's Factory went into the
Combine and he doubled his Stake,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
Jazz DOns the Purple
BY o. o. M'INTYRE.

whom we lightly scott for the JAZZ;
/ rum-tum-tiddy.
They have caught the spirit oi
this young and restless age as it ha.
rot been done in our literature and
on our convases. At the concert. for
instance, Zez Confrey himself played
his own composition. kitten on tho
Keys" He began with doleful meowS
and choppy musical figures. Hon
could hear "puss" jumping up and
Gown on the same SPOT for four or five
bars. Suddenly she dashes up the
keyboard-heSitates. turns about anu
scampers for the other end Of the
piano. That is Humankind also, il
strikes me, true art.
"A Rhapsody in Blue"
Then there was young George Ger
shwin, one OF the Tin Pan Alley
Founders. He played his own compo-
sition called "a Rhapsody in Blue"
ont Of materials known to him-the
rhythms of popular American music
and the harmonics produced by Amer
lean jazz bands. The audience sat as
cnthrallcd as it would at the heaviest
score played by a symphony orches-
ira.
Even the estimable Victor Herbert
bowed to jazz and wrote his first COM
position for Whiteman's jazz orchestra.
He declared TO me that his experiment
into a hitherto unknown field was n
novel one. Here / have. had 70 re-
member that to the same player may
be allotted three instruments, which he
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
IT.. a

1t has been a long climb Tor jazz "a
reach the perfumed purlieus of Aeolisn
Hall, from the saw-duStcd, coated hon
Ky tonk of the Barbary Coast, but
Paul Wbiteman has landed it there
with q fashionable fine festhered au-
dience in attendance and a list Of
patrons and patronesses. according 10
the program, including Mines. Frances
Aida, Amelita Galli-Curci. Mary Gar
den. Alma Gluck. Walter Damrosch,
Jascha Heifetz, Victor Herbert, Otto
II. Kahn, John Mccormick. Leopold
Stokowsky. Sergei Rachmaninoff, JO-
sepb Stranskv and. o yes. guy BY
the name of Q. o. Mcintyre.
Whiteman showed one of the most
brilliant audiences that perhaps New
York has ever seen that what peo-
pie dislike about Jazz is the brothel
opprobrium of the name and that
jazz is in reality of symphonic worth.
He gave the recital as an experiment
and such was the enthusiastic response
that he repeated it 10 an overflow
ing hall, and it is more than likely
that before many moons Nhiteman
win be touring the country in con-
cert Just to prove that those who
come 70 laugh at Jazz viii remsin 10
cry for more.
The history Of Jazz 10 one OF the
most interesting phases Of modern
American life. II is music thst
just grew-like Topsy. About twelve
years ago jazz band consisted OF
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02

Alec proposed that they slip back
to where they could be the biggest
Ducks in the Puddle, but Elvira
thought of the I-knew-her-when Club,
and she said they had come up TO
get into Society and they were GO
ing to get in, even if they had to dig
Tunnel.
The Family leased a large chilly
house built in the style of Louie the
Something, and engaged an English
man with a petrified Face to Buttle
for them and began to go to Places
where People didn't need Invitations
in order to get in. Now and then FL
vira or Farila would clutch Alec by
the arm and whisper, "Here comes
one now" and then the Women Folks
would hold their Breath while a
Devil of Fellow with Touch-me-
not Front waited by.
Casualties Among -Four Hundred.
They explained TO Alex that there
was a WOMAN named Mrs. Wether-
by-Glue. who had a little Book in
which she kept q list of all the sure.
enough Sassafras-scented specimens of
the Aristocracy. and no matter how
much Agony you threw on. if You
were not in this book, your Name
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02

was Mud. So the Game was to in
duce this Hyphenated Lady 10 let
down the Bars and stamp your
| Ticket.
After the had been thrashing
around the Outposts for few
Months without seeing a chance TO
slip through the Lines, Elvira decid-
ed 10 give a Dinner and invite all
| the well-known Characters they had
met and make it a sort of an open
ing Wedge. When the Regrets came
pouring in it seemed that every new
Acquaintance was lndisposed or had
| Serious Illness in the Family or was
compelled to Decline on account of a
Recent Bereavement. Alec read all
these Throw-downs and said there was
one consolation. If there was that
much Sickness and Death in the local
Four Hundred he figured that the
whole Caboodle would be Extinct in n
couple of Years and then he would be
afforded happy Relief from his
Troubles.
Elvira and Farina were hanging on
the Ropes for few Days after the
Fizzle, but they did not give up. They
pulled themselves together and re-
sumed Saving Wood. They slath-
oitu hlcC Z MOuCs OH SuUsCTlplIDli
Lists and forced their way into ali
the Charity Dress Parades and got Il
large upholstered Pew right in the
Parquet Circle of the Church attended
by the Notables. and they positively
refused to be Overlooked.
The Triumphant Event.
After three Years of Patient En-
deavor they got their Wish, for all
Things come to him who is so Resi-
lent that he comes back into Shave
every time the Band-Wagon runs over
him. Elvira and Farina and Alec
were invited to break bread with Mrs.
Wetherby- Glue.
"To-Night's the Night" said Ell
vira, trembling like an Aspen. "You
want toNbe sure and Laugh every time
the Mother Superior springs one of
her M0ts and remember that the lit
tie Cup early in the Deal contains
Consomme and not Tea. SO don't toss
any Loaf Sugar into it or back to
the Country. we CO."
After the Triumphant event. when
they were coming honieward in the
Carriage. there was Il Sound of sub
dued Cussing. 1t was Alec.
II don't like Ia Beef" he said,
"but / feel like the Farm Hand from
Muscatine that counted out his Sum
mer's Wages and then picked up the
Wrong Shell.
Cheer up" said Elvira. at was n
tolerably pung Evening. but thank
goodness we have Arrived. BY the
way, where were"you all during the
Solemnities?"
"They had me tucked away behind
the Shrubbery at the Foot of the
Table" replied Alec. "A spare Lady
and L were hiding down there TO,
gether. She told me all about her
Pekingese and 1 said yes, Ma'am'
over 500 times. I calculate that have
put the Best Years Of my Life and
blown $4,000 to find ont about that
Dog. Stop the Hack. ] want to get.
something to Eat" -7-. d.
And he got out and went into a
White Front.
MORAL: The cheapest and best
way TO find out about Gay Society is
10 buv 50-cent Book.
Copyright. 1924, by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02

A young man stepped briskly out of
cafe on Houston street late on n
Saturday night, closely followed by
another young man. The first was the
proud owner OF 4 brand new Ford
coupe and was in a hurry TO reach
home and bed. He and his friend
climbed into the car and away they
went.
A few minutes later another young
man came out of the same cafe. close
ly preceded by n young lady. He. too,
was the happy owner of BRAID new
Ford coupe and was anxious to be on
his way home. The two climbed into
the car and the young man began
starting preparations. But right there
the start stopped. The key refused to
fit the lock.
The young man and the young lady
dismOunted and began a cursory ex-
animation Of the strangely acting car.
1t bore decided resemblance to their
own pet, but thee were n few marked
differences. The license number was
wrong, and a package or two had gone
astray.
bach VI TINS car SIOOu dHOtnpr ora
coupe. They hurried to take look at
II, but there again they met with dis
appointment. Weather and usage had
taken away all the blush of youth
from the cheeks of this member Of the
Lizzie family.
Another examination Of the brand
new Lizzie had just begun when a
third Ford coupe came rushing around
a nearby corner and drew up at the
curb.
"Tve had a mixup in Ford coops, "
explained the young man who had
been in hurry TO reach home and
hcd
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02

must have his chance to change. ]
might wish at given moment tie
plaintivs voice of the oboe. but Just ut
that moment the gentleman who
should play the oboe is busy with the
bass clarinet. / have respected the
rules Of the game. 1 might say OF
his suite of serenades l arranged in
the words OF the Seventh Century nun,
that even if other people do not
like II, it pleases me because it is
who did it."
Herbert Is Versatile.
Mr.. Herbert is one Of the most yer.
satile of American composers, Tie
does not hew TO any especial line. Not
so long ago he led the orchestra OF
moving picture theater. He is no
stranger to the Metropolitan and he
is the fashioner Of many of our popu
lar musical comedies. He may have a
the orchestra the first night.
He will be of great value to the
ingenious Paul Whiteman in bringing
technical mastery to jazz.
The musical critics were very en-.
couraging in their reviews of til,
Whitman concert. They treated il
Nuitt rtIlOusls. WHICH Is dS IL SHOuiL
be, We have been importing orches
tras and conductors whose effulgenct
is quite overshadowed by this Ameri
can product, and Whiteman is keep
ing his head. He knows he is running
against stern barriers. He does no
deride or grow angry. He appears anx.
ioUs to convince that he is doing much
toward giving good. modern music &
stimulus by a graduating process.
lie has a keen sense of variation. O.
shifting accents and Of emphasis ant
color. That is due largely 70 hi,
musical training. of course, but it Is
due in no small measrre 10 hi
knowledge of people. He studies Their
and he reflects their moods in tn,
wave Of his baton.
He is not influenced by any foreign
school. He is developing his own idea,
and this chronicler will be for him 50
long as he does not try to delete tic
word jazz from our language. Jazz
] just as Whiteman's idea, has come tC
/ stay.
And may each live long and pros.
per.
| copyrighted. 1924. by the McNaught
Syndicate. Incl
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
Well Abigail

but football and music. Well Abigail
means my fathers joy.
/ amt never had the pleasure of
making the acquaintance of gal
named Priscilla, but the book says it
comes from Latin word and means
somewhat old. Seems TO me like they
must of been some Priscillas that was
ramed that while they was still young
and any way suppose a gal named
Priscilla does manage TO get up
around her fifties and somebody takes
notion to ask her what does her
name mean aud she don't know and
they look it up. why it certainly amt
going 10 make her feel any more COM
Portable.
Other gals names which / never
kpowed anybody that owned them is
Cynthia and ROsamond. Cynthia how
ever is a greek name and means per-
son that comes from Mt. Cynthus,
whereas l know a man that has got a
brother that knows a gal named Gym
thia and he assures me that she never
was within n 100 miles of Mt. Gym
thus and don't know whether it is in
North Carolina or Belgium.
As for Rosamond it is a Teutonic
word and means horse protection so
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
His Prayer

Hobart Bosworth, the motion pic
ture star, has an unlimited number
Of after dinner anecdotes. One of
them concerns the late Maurice Bars
more. The famous actor had just re-
turned from long tour on the road
and John Drew. his brother-in-la
called TO greet him. In honor of the
occasion, Mr.. Barrymore's three chill
dren. the new famous trio. John.
Ethel and Lionel. were allowed TO sit
up with their father. Finally bel
time arrived.
Let the kiddies say their prayers
at their fathers knee" solemnly sug-
gested Mr.. Barrymore.
q declare, Barry, this display Of
paternal affection is deeply touching. ="
commented Mr., Drew. as the children
filed over to their father. He soo1
had his punishment, and from most
unexpected source. Ethel, the oldest
was first and Lionel followed. Then
came John, who was hardly past the
toddling age.
Now | lay me down To Sleep he
prayed and added land nloqsc. COG.
make Uncle John a good actor"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-02
Idle Thoughts
ON TAG DAYS.

The inventor of tag days couldn't
get enough votes to be elected kleagle
in a khan with only three members
He may have meant well and his
first effort probably was a WOW. The
second and third also may have met
approval but after the novelty wore
off his bright idea DEVELOPED the same
objections that constant repetition on
the menu gives to stewed prunes.
The only redeeming feature that we
ever found in n tag day was that
it kept the jelly-beans off the main
streets while the tags were being
sold.
1t is possible, however, that we
could find many redeeming features
in a tag day that was held for our
Of some institution in which We are
directly interested.
In case that could be done we would
select lot Of pretty girls about 20
years of age to sell the tags. Statistics
in San Antonio show that they can
sell around $500 worth in day
while women not so attractive do well
TO get rid of $500 worth.
The average man will refuse TO
give n dime for a tag offered BY a
woman of 40 and then donate a dol
lar cheerfully for one to be pinned on
him by pretty miss of 20.
The worthiness of the cause has
nothing to do with the amount of
the receipts from Il tag day. Neither
does it influence the buyers of the
tags. One [. W. of our acquaintance
spent several dollars buying tags from
pretty girls before he found out it was
for cause that was one of his pet
aversions.
The only time tag day donations
come as welcome memory is when
the 1040-A form of income tax is
being made out and the tag day gifts
can be dumped" and "guessed" Mt
SO or so for exemption. Every little
bit helps.
Women's devotion TO cause is
brought out in a tag drive which falls
on a cola or rainy day. They viii
brave pneumonia TO stay on the job
and try to sell tags. Try" is the
correct word for on those kind of
days it is difficult for the victims TO
unbotten coats TO get at the change
pocket.
Donations often are in inverse
ratio to the worldly goods OF the
buyers. In n recent drive a worker
"sold" a tag to a carpenter working
on n downtown building for n dollar.
A wealthy banker kept her waiting
twenty minutes 20 see him and then
handed out a nickel for his badge.
And We know a man who is saw
ing a Mexican dime for the next tag
1 day.