davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

Illustrative of mankind's varying
point of view, a federal official who
was formerly a deputy sheriff in
small town in West Texas, tells the
following story:
Buck" was the town drunkard.
llliterate and shiftless, although pos
sessed of witty tongue and a philo-
sOphical trend of mind. Buck was the
comic supplement of the town.
One sultry Saturday afternoon Buck
was lounging against hitching post
in front of the general store. Around
him were assembled the village whit
tiers. A Woodworking farmer drove
wagon in front of the store and
went in to purchase groceries and
supplies.
He emerged from the store, perspir-
ing under the weight of a 06-pound
sack of flour.
Sadly. Buck watched the weary far
mer totter from the door to the wagon.
Look at that poor fellow he said.
Look at that poor fellow carrying
that flour" he unused. II bet that
poor devil hasn't got a drop of wills
key in his house."
A round of inspection was being
made at Fort Sam Houston on the
first day of the recently inaugurated
war on leisure and lack Of understand
ing of the finer points contained in
drill regulations. Everything seemed
to be going the way Of the schedule.
Suddenly the inspecting party came
upon little valley where springtime
had placed thick carpet of its most
enticing verdure. Some wagons were
standing there. The horses had been
unhitched and were happily engaged
in taking an extra morning repast.
Some soldiers were lolling the dreamy
hours away.
"What are you doing here?' the
head of the party of inspection in.
Iquired.
drilling in the manner of grazing
the horses" was the answer.
There's something wrong" came
the reply, when horses have to be
trained in the mastication of the her
bivorous particles of the ration"
Grazing drill will most likely be
eliminated from the morning schedule
in the future.
Vigilance, thy name is San Antonio
policeman.
Popi Pop Pop.
Pull over to the curb. What's
all the hurryIr
.What hurry"
you've been going too fast for the
last ten blocks. I've been following
you"
"How fast:'
"0h, l know you haven't been go.
ing more than twenty miles an hour
that's old stuff-but you've been
going too fast just the same. Slow
down after this. -
] Pop. Pop! Pop!
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
What | Know About Art
BY D. D. M'lNTYRE.

Someone has written in that |
should devote a little of my Sunday
prattle to art. 1t is a lovely subject
and offers rare opportunities TO use
words i know nothing about.
| can speak off-hand about real
ISM" creative consciousness, ex'
quisite fantasies" and "haunting physi-
economies" just as though / hadn't
looked them up beforehand.
This will give the readers the idea
I'm one of those sensitive souls and
might perhaps-O. let us hope i'm
spire editors to send a memorandum
to the cashier 10 make the check big
ger. Being "arty" ! might at any
time in burst of temperament refuse
10 work.
Just recently / have been dabbling
in photography with a side dabble
here and there in tracing the desc ant
of the Swedish Ballet. ChOregraphy is
something quite new to me. / am
still unable TO grasp it as / should but
that is the way. Art is long and time
is fleeing.
The most impressive thing about art
Is its innate refinement. Whenever
you hear people discussing the latest
canvas you can almost bet cookie
they can trace the genealogical line
back to the Mayflower.
/ have always wondered If any of
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

such as a frayed doilies is considered
wonderful heirloom of a colOrfu
past. 1t is put into n glass case and
treasured as a miser treasures. his hid
den pot OF gold. Frankly, l don't get
this at all
Art lovers are unconsciously cruel.
They refuse recognition until the
artist has passed away. Only tie other
week celebrated artist died in semi
poverty and four days after his fun
cral his pictures triDled in price. In a
year they will be much higher with
everybody fighting for them.
The New Art.
Down in Greenwich Village just
now there is new medium of express
sion for art. 1t is called Scista-
which. like the finished product. may
mean anything. 1t is in black and
white and it looks as though it were
done with moth eaten shoe dauber
by man in the throes of st. Vitus
Dance.
The Cubist and Futurist are passe.
The furore that they caused is mild
compared TO the reign of the Scista.
In short while it will be smothered
by something new. So it goes.
One thing that interests me is the
New York at gallery. There is one l
have PASSED frequently during the
past ten years and have failed to see
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

Two Brothers started away to Col
| lege at the same Time Just before
they boarded the Train, Pa led them
| aside and handed them some splendid
Advice. He told them that they were
| now ready to mold their Futures. He
said he wanted them TO. stay in of
evenings and Bone hard, and he
hoped they would mind the Faculty
and keep !. away from the Cigaret
Fiends who play the Banjo and talk
about Actresses. He wanted them to
stand high in their Glasses and de-
vote their Spare Moments to Read
ing rather than TO the WITNESSES and
Mimical Fooleries of University
Town. ~
William listened solemnly and
promised to Behave. Cholley fidgeted
in his Chair and said it was nearly
Train Time.
So they rode away on the Varnish-
ed Cars, William reading about the
Goths and Vandals and Cholley playing
Seven.Up with Shoe Drummer from
Lowell.
At the University William remem!
bered what Pa had said. so he cooped
himself up in his Room and became
a Dig and soon enough was greatly
despised as the pet of the Professors.
Cholley wore striped Jersey and
joined the Track Team and worked
in TO the Glee Club. He went to his
Room when all the other Places had
closed up. Every Time a Show struck
Town he was in the Front Row to
guy the Performers and pick up some
new Gags. He went calling on all the
Town Girls who would stand for his
Fresh Ways, and he was known as
the best Dancer in the HI HI Chap
ter of the Gamma Oopsilon Greek Let
ter Fraternity.
The Reports sent Home indicated
that William was corralling the Hon.
ors in Scholarship and Cholley was
getting through each Exam by the
Skin. Of his Teeth, but he had been
elected Yell Captain and could do
his 100 Yards in Ten Seconds Flat.
William Takes Pas Advice.
Pa would write to Cholley now and
then and tell him to Brace Up and
give him a Hunch that Life was full
of Sober Responsibilities and there
fore he had better store his Mind
with Useful knowledge and Chop out
all the Frivols and Fopperies, where
upon Cholley would write back that he
needed Fifty by Return Mail to pay
for Chemicals used in the Labora-
tory.
BY the Time that both were SEN
iors. William had grown a fuzzy
Climber in front of each Listener and
was troubled with Weak lamps. He
always had Volume of Kant under
his Arm and seemed to be in n Brown
Study as he walked across the
campus.
Cholley' kept himself neat and
nobby and seemed always Cheerful,
even though he had two or three
Conditions to his Discredt and had
only an Outside Chance of taking his
degree. He was Manager of the Foot
ball Team. and he had earned the
affectio2ate Nickname of "Rocks."
He was a great Hand TO get ac-
quainted with any Girl who dared to
show herself near the Halls Of Learn
ing and by constant Practice he had
developed into Star Chinner, so that
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
Spoiled the Trick

One of the amusing and on
characters in Paris is NJ. Sach,,
try. who made his fame as acto;
playwright. and who has incres'
by the oddities of his temper.
He is a witty. versatile and
minded man and is naturally IN
90 be impatient with bores. RI
there was one who plagued hir
unnecessary calls. One day he.
in on Guitry, who greeted him T
ly, though that morning the &
ance of the man put him mo
edge" than ever.
"Just, in time" said Guitr
want you to see a new conjurin
/ have thought out" and he
the unsusDecting visitors hat
claimed, Watch :"
Then Guitry poured a jul
water into the hat. The own,
got up in alarm.
"There now," exclaimed
petulantly, "you've made me TO :
trick :" rl
The "trick," however. is )
to have worked admirably. Tel
visitor has not troubled NJ.
since. 20
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
A Valuable Book

The famous jockey, Steve Donoghue
has written a book of "reminiscences.
Naturally there are in it sundry refer
ences to Papyrus, the horse he steered
to victory in last years Derby, whose
name is taken from the parchment
like paper used by the ancient Egyp.
'lanS. And thereby hangs o tale.
Somebody objected that Donoghue'S
book-it is published at n eIinea-
cost too much to buy. why. most
books he grumbled. cost half that.
or less" "Ah. but" retorted a listen
er, other BOOKS. you must remember,
are written on ordinary paper. Dono-
Ghues was written partly on Papy-
rus"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

ligamepts from trying to work the
foot brake from the back seat.
Senators Nearly Get Trapped.
Another chance pedestrian takes
is on atct. of the bootleggers being
jealous of each other and every time
one of them sees another, which YOU
can't hardly help, why they's a mutual
shooting affray. But the BOYS has
generally always been trying their
own stuff and being IL blind they
are just as libel to hit you or /. And|
one time it, seems they happened to|
hit a senator but luckily for him the|
bullet struck his head and he got|
off with a abrasion and anyways he |
was from Vermont which somebody
has nicknamed the granite state.
/ kind of expected that everybody
in town would be speaking in code
but was able to understand practally
everything that was said up to 2 on
3 A. NJ. i figured that the Wash
ington newspaper men being right
there on the grounds, why they would
have a better inside in the situation
but they was very few names ! didn't
hear ,favorably mentioned for the
Presidents chair, speaking of which
they will half to make it couch d
you can count me out. One CORE
spondent even said he had heard tha
Cox was going TO run again. III
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
Ring Visits the President
By RING LARDNER

To the editor: St
Since the news licked out that j
had been to Washington the mails has
been flooded with couple of letters
wanting to know did / meet the
President. Yes friends we both had
that honor and the meeting took place
in the executive offices on one of the
days when he received whatever
newspapermen is able to be up by
4 =. NJ.
! The doors is throwed open at a
given signal and all the correspondents
rushes in and stands around his
desk and he stands up and reads off
few replies to queries that has been
wrote in to him and vile: he is read
ing any correspondent, has got the
privilege of interrupting him to ask
extra questions provide it they don't
care If they get n answer. The day
/ was there he might just as well
of said NAH jongg as soon as we had
him surrounded.
When meeting was over Mr.. Wat
kins of the indianapolis Star says
for me to lag behind like usual and
he made the iptroductions and we
shook hands and the PRECEDENT says
/ have heard your name a good many
times and j wanted to say horse a
piece but l just give him one of
my smiles and says l had heard of
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

didn't explain the use of the ad;
Spent one pleasant p. NJ. Oui
the Central High School where
athletic director is Doc White
used to pitch and sing BARITONE
the White Sox. Docs high So
baseball team was having their
out and will state that it is
thing for Philadelphia that they
in the National League. Doc has
a skinny shortstop named Sci
which fits him about like Lad9'
the chairman of the oil comm.
Well, the last day l was ilt
old burg they was a heavy bli,
and the senators adjourned two
early for the fear-it would get II
and they couldn't get home.
for this 4 sighted action theyittl
telling how long they would of 4
detained in the Senate. of all II.
Copyright. 1924, by the Bell Synd7,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

Degree for fear that if it didn't he
might come back and stay another
Year.
After they had graduated, Pa gave
them another Talk. He said he was
proud of William. but Cholley had
been a Trial to him. Still he hoped
1t was not too late to set the Boy
on the Right Track. He was going
to put both Of them into Law Office
and he wanted them to Read Law
for all they were worth and not be
lured away from their. Work by the
Glittering Temptations of Life in a
Big City.
William said he was prepared TO
Read Law until, he was Black in tn"
Face. Cholley said he wouldn't mind
pacing few Heats with Blackstone
and Cooley now and then, if he found
that he could spare the Time. The
Father groancd inwardly and did not
see much Hope for Cholley.
When the two Sons became Fix
lures in the Office of an established
Law Firm. William kept his Nose
between the Leaves of a Supreme
Court Report and Cholley was out in
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
BY GEORGE ABE.

he could talk low to almost any one
of them and make her believe that
of all the Flowers that ever bloomed
she was the one and only $4,000
Orchid.
William kent away from Hops and
Promenades because he remembered
what Pa had said about the dis
tracing Influence OF Fripperics and
the Twittlc-Tattle OF Artificial So
ciety. The only Girl he knew vas n
Professors Sister. aged 81. with whom
he was wont to discuss the Theory Of
Unconscious Cerebration. Then he
would drink Cup of Young .Hyson
Tea and 20 Home at S:45 L. NJ.
Cholley at about that Time would
be starting out in his Minstrel Suit to
write his Name on Dance Cards
and get acquainted with the Real
Folks.
On Commencement Day William
received the CYRUS J. Blinker Prize
of a Set of Books for getting the
Highest General Average of any one
in the Glass.
Cholley just managed to Squeeze
Through. The Faculty gave him a
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

my folks came over in this boat but
have never been able to get COM
plete copy of the passenger list. Judg-
ing from the descendants l have met,
the Mayflower was a triple Leviathan
and was packed to the guard rails.
Another Oil Scandal.
Before l began to know who art
was all about / was considered a good
mixer so that has helped me. Also i
have been done in oils, (Wall Street
please notice.
have become really so infatuated
with art that l want to join the expe-
dition that is going to dig up the cities
of Sodom and Gomorrah. Perhaps If
we find what we expect they will
quit talking about Hollywood. If
every knock is a boost that town is
Paris, Rome and New York all in one.
The only excitement j ever noted there
was when flivver upset in the Main
street and jolted an Iowa farmer into
rather blasphemOus language-that is
blasphemous for one from Iowa.
There is something howlingly indi-
vidual about the artist. He looks so
far from a world of dollar grubbing
i'm smock and tam. He is not afflict-
cd with that worldly smart-alecism
that expresses itself in the cry: when
do we eat?
Still most artists l have met do eat.
Really! / have in mind one pale
dreamer ] invited to dinner one night.
We had discussed current exhibitions
and he spouted few verses of poetry.
Then there was talk of mysterious,
purple hills and the grandeur of the
ocean tide.
Finally they brought on the food.
The way he cut into that steak was
scandalous. He wolfed a couple of
side platters of vegetables and three
slices Of French bread and wound up
with a big slab of hot mince pie. II
was disconcerting. | had imagined he
would nibble at few sprigs of water
cress like frightened rabbit and sip
n spoonful of weak tea. ! thought
/ was a good two-fistcd eater but this
fellow shamed me.
Lardner as a Critic.
One thing | would like to do to i'm.
prove art is to write better titles. Nou
see them captioned Lady With 9
Fan. "Nude Descending a Stair.
"Man in a Carriage and the like
Once | went to an exhibit with Rims
Gardner and after viewing many q
the canvasses he saw one Of an ole
Russian with the buShieSt beard this
side of Moscow. Lardner wrote on {
card: "Nan Climbing Out of Ferl
Dish" and stuck it in the frame.
TX in our town the man VIII,
was known as n painter wore spOttc,
overalls. carried a ladder and buckle
and worked by the hour In New YOrl
..,- painter is quito different n
wears n little baa-baa heard. flown,
tie and rakish velour hat and his 10
is TO I'll the esthetic void-whateve
that might be.
Our town painters could paint
benbouse in q morning if they did no
run out Of chewing tobacco. But i
takes the New York PAINTER month
10 decorate four by four bit of can
vas with vase and an annie. Then /
Is carted 10 a gallery and cverybod
who sees il gasns at the perspective
and the feeling"
Art is never concerned with tn
ever present now. 1t is always gallon
ing back 10 the dim past to excavat
things amid the ruins of a dccaden
culture.
Antique fans would rather have
worm-eaten chair from some carl
period than handsome plush sofa q
bright and polished as newly :ni1te
coin. A dread relic of a vanished ag
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
I01nn
Sims


Long-haired cats are said to be the
best. but young lady tells us many
an old cat has bobbed hair.
The curse of the age is Darn those
wrinkles"
A one-horse town now is where they
have only one dance a week.
These are ticklish times for the man
who still wears his heavy underwear.
You can always tell when spring is
here TO stay by the annual talk about
women discarding their dresses for
knickerbockers.
Dodging an auto tax is getting to
be about as hard as lodging an auto.
Being frank is fine, but in Alabama
a man was arrested for saying he was
Frank when he really was John.
France" says a French scientist,
ais having her day" This is all very
well, if night doesn't come.
There are so many things wrong
with the world you haven't much
time to worry over any certain one.
1t is hard to sorrow money because
the people who have it have it be-
cause they refuse to lend it.
The fastest. auto, race seems to be
trying to see who can have the biggest
auto in that neighborhood.
BY starting now, and studying three
hours every night, you may be able
to decide where to spend your vacation
this summer.
In Kansas City a man took fliv-
yer and made it into a flying machine,
but this frequently happens on rough
roads.
Every now and then some Euro
pean country says she doesn't want
any more wars, but she seldom tries
to prove IT..
No matter how dilapidated looking
the home town station, it is better
place to get off train than to catch
a train.
The hardest thing about amounting
to something in this world is there
are so many ways not to, do it anC
so few ways to do il.
The price Of eggs is down because
those keeping eggs in cold storage
are getting cold feet.
The tree Of knowledge is hard e
climb because { has so many
branches.
/ II you can't get yourself together
you can't get anything else to
] gether.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
An Ideal Place

The young reformers were having a
debate, and when they had agreed that
the country was just about as bad as
it could be, a grim-faced man arose.
what you seem to want, friends. is
a place where everyone has to he good
by law" That's it," agreed the re
formers. where smoking is not al
lowed and such thing as drink is
unknown. Where no one need worry
about food and clothes. Where every
one has to go to church, and everyone
keeps regular hours" 'Oh. to find
such a place." said a soulful fellow.
Easily found" replied the grim
man, i've Just come out from doing
twelve months in one
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

him too and he says what was l do
ing in Washington and | says / had
came there hoping to testify but no
body would call on me so 1 had called
on him. He laughed till you could
of heard a pin drop. So then / left
before he had a chance to ask me to
supper, as all ready was dated up.
Starved to Death.
--ne date was with stage actress
who had kind of Dragged around
that / knowed her and promised some
of the Washington folks that / would
introduce her TO them and the ar
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
Positively

For nearly half a century
secretary to successive Lord g
of London. Sir William Soul
good story about a famous
noisseur who at big city
found himself sitting next a sac
illiterate country alderman.
course of conversation the
mentioned that his grandfani
kneyn the great Napoleon. "hie
said the other. That's yes'
csting." Yes the aldern :
on. "and I still have the fisrf
box that Napoleon game him
a hen in diamonds on the ioz
hen - exclaimed the other. -
sec. You probably mean a '"
the Imperial EasleI" No. Per
the alderman. ats a
enough. I've got it with mi
and he pulled from his
splendid gold box with an
brilliants on the lid. AZ.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20
What He Wanted to Know

An English officer brought home
with him from Africa an intelligent
but illiterate Kaffir to carr on with
the duties of batman be had learnt
in the service. One day the officer
was reading when he became pain
fully conscious Of Pete constantly
peeping over his shoulder. What do
you want, Peter he asked at length.
II wants ter ask yer question, sab. "
replied the kaffir, grinning. We'll.
what is it?' invited the officer. kindly.
II has seen folks reading books and
de like. an / jess wants ter know
which it is yer roadside white or. de
blackT
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

BY starting now, and studying three
hours every night, you may be able
to decide where to spend your vacation
this summer.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

The fastest. auto. race seems to be
trying to see who can have the biggest
auto in that neighborhood.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

1t is hard to Borrow money because
the people who have it have it be-
cause they refuse to lend it.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

Every now and then some Euro
pean country says she doesn't want
any more wars, but she seldom tries
m nrovp II
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-20

In Kansas City a man took fliv-
yer and made it into a flying machine,
but this frequently happens on rough
roads.
New Britain herald., 1924-09-26

of those present that a demonstra- ton would be a good thing, since 1t would be easier to judge all makes om bumpers.
 Commissioner Cans Skepticai
 Here Commissioner George Cans threw monkey wrench into the machinery, saying that demonstra- ton would be a waste of time, The machines would be brought to this city, he said, and they would per form perfectly all of them, That's what they're supposed to do, he sad. All who would see the demonstration would say that the bumpers worked well and the solu- ton of the problem would be just as far away.
 It was explained to Mr, Cans that the purpose of a demonstration would be to give the council mem bcrs and city officials a chance to see how the bumpers work out.
 Alderman Judd said that If Com ''AA'7i'4l'i N'HllS litAI q h'ANNI llbppol- ton than the one put forward he was willing to listen. but he stated that he and the chairman of the fire board had talked the matter over and were of the opinion that demonstration would be good thing. Any other solution would be agreeable to him, however, he said.
 Commissioner Cans questioned whether or not a demonstration would be a sufficient investigation. He suggested that the committee get in touch with the principal cities where thsse bumpers are in use and learn from the fire officials haw the various machines are standiag up, All of them are good, he said. You could throw the whole five names in a hat and draw one out getting good piece of apparatus no matter which machine was