The Lambertville record. [volume] (Lambertville, N.J.) 1872-1968, 1924-01-18
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\ STANDING AGREEMENT

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A STANDING AGREEMENT
If the stork pays you visit
In the good old-fashioned way,
And you notify this paper
On the same eventful day,
We will enter a subscription
For full year without pay.
In addition to the gladness,
Pride and happy sentiment,
Brought by newborn babes to
parents
Which the Source of Life has sent,
We consider it of value
To announce the glad event.
If the stork brings twins or trip
let's,
Or bankruptcies, we will add
One more year for each arrival,
Whether it be lass or lad.
SO go on and do your durnedest-
You can never make US mad!
*4+&**
GETTING PERSONAL
It's getting so nowadays that we
have no more privacy than gold
fish in glass bowl.
Character analysis has been de-
developed so that an expert can tell
from the shape of your nose whether
you love fish or beat your wife.
Freudian experts can tell from
your dreams whether one of your
ancestors was hanged for horse
stealing or if you have weakness
for petting drug store blondes.
And to add injury to insult, now
comes Paris scientist who tells us
that "Scarpology" can tell from the
way our shoes wear out whether we
will be written up in the American
Magazine or will die in the poor
house.
They look at horses teeth to tell
how old he is, but they look at
humans shoes to tell if he or she is
a crook or lover of corned beef
and cabbages.
"Scarpology" is from the Latin
word for shoe. If your soles wear
out on the inside of the toe, don't
let anyone know about it. You are
impulsive, changeable, not to be
trusted.
There was a young lady whose
soles
Wore out from numerous strolls
Just on the inside
Where she couldn't hide
Her character shot full of holes.
But, if your soles and heels wear
out evenly, then you can brag about
it-you are well balanced and reli-
able.
A husky young lady named Mounds
Puts her feet down with equal
rebounds;
But it's not because
Of Scarpology laws,
But because she weighs 300 pounds.
If your soles wear out along the
outside before the insides are worn,
then you're an ordinary, common
place sort of individual.
A lady whose soles wore out first
On the outside and showed she was
cursed,
Bought shoes with square toes
Neither left nor right shows,
And each day she wears them re-
versed.
DIR. Adrien Guebhard, French
scientist, says that the real cause
of the Japan earthquake was that an
excess of garbage dumped there
overbalanced the earth's crust. He
logically contends that the vast re-
fuse from congested population
overloads the earth's crust past the
saturation point.
Nothing to it, Doc! If that were
true the United States would long
ago have disappeared in the ocean.
Look at the excess population of
"bull tossers" we have in this coun-
try!
Either Philadelphia is excessively
dry or else excessively clever! A re-
cent concerted raid by 60(count 'em)
dry agents was reported by Philadel-
phia papers to have netted only 81
gal. hooch; 1 at. liquor; 1 bottle
cider"
Talk about using cannon to
shoot mosquito!
| SNs&A&
A Hoboken man was recently ar
rested and his cellar raided by dry
agents. The man claimed that he
used the liquors to smell and to
battle in.
| &s%ss&
We had heard of Fish," but that
bird takes the tissue paper fish nett
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