Daily Kennebec journal. [microfilm reel] (Augusta, Me.) 1870-1975, 1924-05-06
JOE BEvO
(His Essays)
THE BACHELOR

De bachelor is person dat pre-
fer ter share hees happiness wit
heemSeP, an let de res NV de worn
howl by. He go SOM phase wen
he pleese, an came back Wen he
felt LAX it. an nobuddy met heem
at de door-knob wit fase-full NV
dynamite.
De family he don't have nevair
bodder heem, an he kin smoke de
OF corn-cob in bed, an hung hees
overcote on de buroe if he want to.
He git up in de mornin' by de
alum clock, an if de boardin'-
howse biskit is LAX croka ball he kin
sed so, without a fife, an try SOM
odder hash fack'try if he dare
De bach'lor nevair git marry if
he. can't help it. De privilege NV
bein' hed-boss is sweet, an he rud-
der not swap it fer som'ting else.
Free spich is de blessin' NV hees
life, an he alters henjoy de las
word Wen he talk ter heeser.
Ev'ryting look fine ter de BACH
Tor but de fem'nin gender. He
swore on hees mart dat no pink
Ease Jan will nevair came tween
heem an hees bunk-roll. Shore,
he is strong an ressiloot, but lax
all odder kline NV human bean, he
have hees weak spot. A millinery
bill in hees mail box would keel
heem downrite.
De ev'rige oil bach luve de kid
does, an often geeve dem penny on
de street, but he hope dey stay in
dere own back yard an fergit ter
play wild injun beneat' hees win
der.
Mos NV de bach'lor dat ron 'rorn
loose would git marry mex wiki If
he could disGuver de wrong kline
Nv woman. He don't ask fer any
ting outside NV reason, an so long
he stay single he will seldum be
dizZipoint.
De on'y female dat fit hees ideer
NV tirs'class mate is centrally To-
cate in de lates' novil, an can't be
coax out NV de book. So long she
rename Were she don't b'long he
will sew hees own -buttun on hees
Sundy pantaloon an be happy wit
hees pet habits.
If de good-nachar bach'lor have
SOM few tousan' fault dat amt
recommen' by de church, don't
blam' it ter heem. Dere's nobuddy
ter remine heem NV it twelve time
per day. an beside. de pore single
Teller amt s'posed ter member all
de virchue in de Bible at de sam
tam.
You kin alters tol' a bach1or
wen you met heem by de ear-marks
dat he lack. De han'dog look is
missiR' on hees. map, an he kin
smile out loud Without permishun
frum hees better tree-quarter. If
de bal spot on top hees he'd is
short NV hair, you kin betit wuz
wore out by de barber, an not pun
out by de oil woman. He kin hor
hees he'd high an shove hees jaw
bone ter de frunt jess fur as he's
want without danger NV havin' it
crack wit a rollin' pin
Yass. he use all de liberty de
cornstitushun pervide, an don't
had ter anser de cattykism fer no.
buddy.
On de odder han. de bach'lor
have hees trubles jess ue sam, an
YOU s'pose he felt Wen he fine out
de small chanse he have NV hein'
gran'fadder ter buddy? How
he will softer by hees Ionesom'
wen he git oil an itchy, an no
faithful wife ter scratch hees
back were it can't be reech by
heeser! An de lawful pain he
will had in hees pockit book wen
he come ter croak an lef' all de
he don't have ter de or Wimmin's
Home an Orfan 'Silum.
Shore. de bachelor, have hees
hard tam lax de res NV de vile
animuls. an de pity uvit-he
don't had SOM wan ter blam' it
on. If he hog hees mug NV plea
shar by heesel', nobuddy will bum
a swaller frum hees jug NV sorrer.
If he rudder play solitaire dan
cribbige, dat's hees beeznes-an'
he kin wip alone wen he los de
game.
But de bach'lor have de rite ter
rename SO IL he chose, an If de OF
maid don't lax IL, she,kin bate her
trap wit fapper-bate an ketch
heem if she can't.
Fer Romeo Horace Dyer