davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1924-06-08

But what variety OF Delegate
could you be to get inside both Con-
ventions without suffering kick out 90
he QUESTIONABLE.
II shall be a Delegate-at-large, I
amplify.
What arc those" he derange.
"a gentleman too large for both
Parties" I say it. $50 / shall be
there in both Grafton Halls when
the keyhole speech begins. I shall
be there amidst banzai, music, cigars,
patriotism. soda pop and talcum
powder (from lady suffrage mem
bers) while Hon. Will H. Haze or
some other manufacturer of presi-
dents circulate around with card in
dex expression. And who shall be
first to jump to his footware with
nomination in his voice? Hashimura
Togo, delegate from Yokahama- by
golly!"
who would you mention, if any??'
require Nogi sourcastica1ly.
IF that Convention happen to be
Repu / shall find out by
asking-I shall commence with these
wringing words: Gentlemen. 1T gives
me great siprise to nominate two (2)
favorite Sons of Massachusetts,, Hon.
Cal Coolidge and Hon. Henry w.
Longfellow. Also I nominate Hon
Hi johnson, who will give great
pleasure to Hon. Coolidge when elect
ed-for are he not the Favorte Son
of Cal? If none of those names makes
you enthusiastick, then I am very
joyful to nominate Senator Borah,
that industrious bird of freedom. the
Gull Of the Golden West"
But sipposing that Convention
should happen to be Democratiok,"
snuggest Nogi.
st shall find that out also by ask
ing" I consume. Then when knock
knock of the speakers gavel com
mence I shall get up on my shoes.
Evening star., 1924-06-08

FOLLOWING Is it," I say like a tipe-
writer:
1T are Duty OF every free citizen
(and some slaves) to believe in Rep.
and Dem. Parties equally. because
they have been here 100 yrs. and
show no signs Of fatigue Now are
the time for all good men to come
to the AIDE of their party. Lot
everybody vote on both sides & stop
all this talk.
R-Law One "a.
How can we save Europe and
save money at the same instan-
TO appoint a Committee and let them
think about it
1T would be good I'D. to move
Wall Street TO the Philippine Islands
& let the Wood boys took over the
management. 1 promus a reduction
in cable tolls for Boy Scouts & End
LIS
Amendment IS.
Som ething are the matter with il.
Send answers to our Puzzle Editor.
Mexico.
"I solomonly swear to send shoot
guns to Obregon & poison gas to De
la Huerta- After that let Nature
take its course.
Thrift.
Yes, we shall raise the ad valorium
on bannannas so that we shall not
have any. This also applys TO COO
COO nuts. hat-pins & Bob hair.
Check Room Boys.
They should be given Bonus OF
Is day, thusly saving America
1Oo0000000os per VT. After that they
should be either shot or reformed.
High COST OF Loving.
Federal Bureaus should be istab-
lished in every town of over IS in
Evening star., 1924-06-08
r Y dear Charles Mary Angus

~ Y dear Charles Mary Angus
nn tus Felix Sigismond: You
v will pardon me, I hope, this
1 u brief method of address.
For the moment I cannot recall the
rest OF your names.
need hardly say how delighted
and honored I was to receive letter
from you written all in your own
hand and spelt. as I saw at once.
without help. It was perhaps wrong
of you to pay insufficient postage on
it. But I do not forget that you
get over it.
You write in what are evidently
wre chedly low spirits. You say that
you q living in Schlitzen-Bad-unter-
Wien t'r get you righD in the SIM
plest conceivable way. You have laid
aside your royal title and are living
incognito as the hereditary count in
and of Salzensplatz. You have only
a single valet and no retinue. You
lunch, you tell me very plainly. each
day upon a pint of Rhine wine and
an eKg. and at dinner you have merely
a chop or a outlet and a couple of
quarts of RudesberEer. You retire to
bed, it seems, after plain supper
a forkul Of macaroni-and I think you
said about half a tumbler of old
Schnapps.
or all the thousands who fed at
your table in the days of your king
ship, none, you say, care now to share
your simple fare. This is too bad.
II only had you and your little
table on Broadway in New York, !
could give you the choice of a line-up
Of friends that would reach from the
Winter Garden TO the Battery. But
that Is by the way.
The point is that you are singu-
larly disconsolatA. You tell me that
at times you have thought of suicide.
At other times you have almost made
UP your mind to work. I beg of
you. my dear Sigismond. before
adopting either of these alternatives.
that you will listen to a little kind
advice and will sit tight in Schlitzen-
Bad-unter-Wien till things brighten
Evening star., 1924-06-08

when q now pack Of hicks will come
to hunt you up in your exile at Schlit-
zen-Bad-untar-W Wien. clap a field mar
shafs uniform on you, put you In
a bombproof motor car and rush you
back to your heriitary palace. They
will announce that you have per-
formed prodigies Of personal bravery.
You viii wear again your twenty-uni-
forms a day. You will give twenty
five cents to a blind beggar and be
called the father of your people.
STEPHEN LEAcocK.
TO A PLUMBER.
My Very Dear Sir:
1t Is now four hours since you have
been sitting under the sink in my
kitchen. You have turned off the
water in the basement of my house
and you have made the space under
the sink dry and comfortable and you
are sitting there. / understand that
you are waiting. smoking, for the re-
turn Of your fellow plumber, who has
gone away to bring back a bigger
wrench than the one that you have
with you.
The moment is therefore opportune
for me to write these few lines which
/ shall presently place in an envelope
and deliver to you on your departure.
I do not wish in any way to seem
to reflect upon the apparent dilatori-
ness with which your work has been
done. I am certain that is only ap-
parent and not real. l pass over the
fact that my house has now for two
weeks been without an adequate
water supply. do not resent il that
you have spent each morning for a
fortnight in my kitchen. I am not in
sensible, sir. to the charm of your
presence there under the sink and ]
recoe>nixe the StirnuIus rhich
Evening star., 1924-06-08
OIL PIAASTIRAS, the for
mer dictator and chief of
state of Greece, expects to
~-szs% %h4 r~;<al Cxo%~r ,>->

~ OIL PI.ASTIRAS, the for
mer dictator and chief of
U state of Greece, expects to
~ visit the United States some
time soon. He appreciates the great
work that our Red Cross and Near
East Relief have done for the Greeks
and wants to thank us in person.
met Col P1astiras in his palace at
Athens Looking at him. you would
not imagine that he is a great soldier
and has been the dictator of five or
six million people. You could not
reconcile his looks with the leader
of the revolution that condemned to
death the six highest officials of the
them forthwith That act made the
world shudder. It followed the de-
faxt OF the Greeks at Smyrna The
skx statesmen, gentlemen and scholars
Who vere ruling Greece were tried
for high treason. and the place Of
THAR execution was fixed at two miles
from Athena. The execution followed
oaoee on the heels Of the trial.
Ono of tho men died Of heart failure
IN the way. Another was taken from
q hospital and given injections Of
strychnine to brace him for the
ordeal He was carried to the ground
m a stretcher and propped up
against the wall, side by side with the
four others altve Then all were shot
T3,ofr bodies were left in q heap and
thalr relatives were told that If they
did not remove them the remains
would be buried in the graveyard set
asSdo for paupers. King Constantine
was then sent into exf1e. and Prince
Andrew stripped OF his honor and
Evening star., 1924-06-08

ent from our Congress in that there
is only ono house, the Bule, and IN
addition a council of state which in
many respects takes the place OF our
Supreme Court Only men may vote,
and the deputies must be at least
twenty-five years Of age. The cleo
tions are held upon Sundays and
usually in the churches. In voting,
each candidate has his own ballot
box with his photograph on the top,
and. if he wishes. he can keep his
eyes on the polls. Every voter has
to be registered. There are two COM
partments to the ballot box. one
labeled Yes" and the other NO" The
Yes" compartment Is painted white,
and the NO" compartment black. The
ballots are buckshot which are after
ward counted
There is considerable graft in the
elections, and I am told that each
congressman must expect to spend at
least IS per vote. The poll takes
place on the same day throughout
the country.
Although the women are not al
lowed to vote or become members of
the election of their husbands. They
canvass the people, distributing prop
aganda and sometimes flowers to the
voters. At . recent election q woman
who saw that her husband was likely
to be defeated took embroidered hags
to each of the villages In his district,
and promised all who would vote for
him a free trip to Athens and ticket
to the theate The husband now
has a seat in Parliament.
The opening of Parliament is a So
cial event The ministers attend in
evening dress, and ladies are then
allowed to sit in the body OF the
chamber. The priests wear their long
black coats and their high black hats,
and when the president Is installed
the Archbishop Of Athens and the
deacons perform the services Of con-
secration. In this the archbishop
holds out a gold cross for the premier
to kiss, and then dips a sprig OF olive
into a gold vessel containing holy
water and swats the premier on the
brow. The other ministers are in
stalled the same way. I understand
the sessions are lively and that a vio-
lent denunciatory speech is likely to
result in Q duel.
4 \ X X
TN addition to the international prob
lens that included the complica-
tions with Turkey, Italy and the
Kingdoms and republics of the Bal
kans. there are many domestic mat
ters before the government. Land
reforms are agitating the country and
the big holdings are going from the
wealthy into the hands of the poor.
The government is dividing up the
big estates of Thessaly, Macedonia
and old Greece and turning them over
to the paaaants who work them This
noveneut was started BY Vsnizelos,
and Il vns carried ON BY the Royalist
Evening star., 1924-06-08
Speed and Auto Tires.

A UTOMOBILE experts tell us that,
in accordance with the law Of
physics, the energy Of a moving
body varies as the square OF its We
Iocity; doubling the speed OF an
auto makes the blows against the
tires four times as great when
BUMPS or holes in the road arc en-
countered, and TRIPPING the speed
makes the blows nine times as hard.
The tires of an auto driven off the
roof of building forty feet high
would not strike the ground with
more force than do those of one run
ming over a road at thirty-five miles
an hour. The blows to which the
tires are subjected when a machine
is driven at seventy miles an hour are
equivalent to those which would re
auIt il the machine were dropped
100 feet.
Evening star., 1924-06-08
PLEAS TO NEW MONARCF1S
Finds That
Wrench Emblem of Worldly Po,oe.

fords to the intellectual life Of my
cook
/ am quite aware. sir, that all of
these things are outside Of the legiti-
mate scope of complaint. For I un-
derstand that they are imposed upon
you by your order. It is the com
mand, 1 believe, of your local union
that you must not use a wrench with
out sending for an assistant; it is an
order of your federated brotherhood
that you must not handle a screw
driver except in the presence of a
carpenter and before witnesses; and
1t Is the positive command of the in
ternational order to which you belong
that you must not finish any job until
it has been declared finishable by
majority vote of the qualified plumb
ers of your district These things,
no doubt, make for the gayety and
variety of industry but interpose, !
fear. a check upon the rapidity OF
your operations.
RUT what 1 have wanted to say o
You good sir, is this: You find
yourself in possession of what used
to be called in the middle ages q
mystery-something which you can
do and which other people cant. And
you are working your mystery for all
1t is worth. Indeed, 1 am incline to
think that you are working it for
rather more than il, is worth.
1 think it only fair to tell you that
a movement is now on foot which
may jeopardize your existence \
number of our national universities
have already opened departments of
plumbing, which threaten to bring
your mysterious knowledge within
reach even of the most educated.
Some of the brightest scien tific minds
of the country are applying them
selves to find out just how you do it.
I have myself already listened to
. course of six speculative lectures
on the theory Of the kitchen tap. in
which the lecturer was bold enough
to say that the time is soon coming
when it will be known. absolutely and
positively, to the scientific world how
to put on a washer. Already, sir,
pamphlets are being freely circulated
dealing with the origin and nature
of the hot water heater. 1t has been
already discovered that the water
moves to and fro in the pipes of the
furnace with sufficient regularity and
continuity of movement to render it
capable OF reduction to a scientific
law We shall know before long just
what it is you do to the thing to stop
it from sizzling.
You perceive. then, my dear sir.
that the moment is one which ought
to give you room for anxious thought:
You are perhaps not aware that
book has already been published
under the ominous title Every Man
His Own Plumber" 1t has been sup
pressed very rightly by the govern
ment as tending to subvert society
and reduce it to a pulp. But it at
least foreshadows, sir, the grim pos
sibilities of the future.
May I, in conclusion, make d per-
sonal request? If you have any
friends who are in the bell-hanging
business, or the electrical repair in
dustry, or the broken window mon
opoly. or the loose-chair-leg combine.
will you kindly show them this
letter?
Yours faithfully,
STEPHEN LEACOCK-
Evening star., 1924-06-08
HOW TO ELECT A PRESIDENT
Schoo6oy
To Editor The star.

10 EQltOt Iu0 SL1I.
~ EAREST SIR: Before the
Tumulty and the shouting
dies by Kiplfng I wish you
49, would attach yourself to me
for a few instance while deciding
how I can make it more troublesome
to elect a President than now Is.
have decided to go into that high
fight tooth and ears, whatever COL
lapses. In neat poetry of Sir Walter
Scotch. Janus bookmaker.
Come one (1) come all. this sock
shall ny.
From its firm boss as soon as me-"
Reason for my important decision
are as following:
Last Wedsdy night. late pm. after
Sons of Samurai Wolf-trot dance and
Petting Jubilee, I emerge very talk
ative into bedroom of my cousin Nogi,
who inherit some fine intellect from
me. And what you think I dishcov-
cred him doing? Tipewriting, by
solly! With intense flngernails he
keep on clock-ticking off following
words in long rows of piled-up
languidge:
"Naouw are tynbxxv&&! for all
sxz,s!
Now arc tibe for ccbbbb$$ all good
Now are time for avl god cccxxx-
Iess men
Now are time for all good men to
come to the ade of their party"
What you doing at this unnecces-
sary time of night, knocking letters
on that Typewriter" 1 ask to know.
i are learning to be a stenograft-
er." he narrate, so that can be
uDefuted Secretary to next President
Rhen he get elected. II ever
After that he click-tock onward,
Nov are time for all good men to
como to the ade of their party"
L are deiciously fond Of parties"
! say with social voice. Which kind
must I como to ade off,"
What sort of ade did you drink
At the party what you was just at?"
he requish like a pickle.
There was everything in it but
lemons" l snuggest with wooden
a1kohol seated on my breath. But
inform me this, Nogi. What are
difference between those two (2)
Parties you invite me to join all
Of a suddenly?"
What a curio question:" dib Nogi.
DO you not know that Reublickan
party belong to Monroe. Janus for
doctoring, and Democratick party are
propitty of Jefferson, influential
friend of Woodrow Wilson? Awake
uply, Togo! How can you stand
there on your sleeping feet? With
Presidential Nomination covering
America everywhere, what are you
doing to help that great publick
calamity
Please keep your shirt" I song
out When those Conventions comes
along shall go there as Delegate"
How excited" say Nogi. ITO
which Convention shall you 60
Rep. or Dem.?"
Il shall go to both equilly," I
Speek.
"Umpossibies he snarreL That
would be against Constitution Of the
u. s."
so are Gin" manoevre. yet
I got it inside me in large goblets. |
Do not try to paddock me with your |
arguments, Nogi"
Evening star., 1924-06-08
By FRANK G. CARPENTER.
ATHENS

81 % S S: S % patriotic Developed to- " ""
Evening star., 1924-12-26
Deatbs.

SMITH. Thursday, December -. 1924, at her
SSe,s,ldence, 422 20th st. NV, MARY z.
SMlTH, mother OF Martha Hackett, BESSIE
ramos, Margaret Swami. John Smith, Laura
Shelton, Joseph Smith auo Lena Long Fu-
neral sunday, December IS, at 80 pm
from Liberty Baptist Church. 23d st. be
tween IL and l sts. Relatives and friends
SNYDER, "Wednesday. peceub.- "a 1924
az her sons residence, DIR. Henry r. r.
snyder, 1888 Bath St., Mount Rainier, Nd
ANNA SOPHIA, widow Of the late Henry
snyder OF Baltimore, Nd. Notice Of funeral
ToRREY. Wednesday. December "a. 1924
MLhPnEhEII ~ nI =. I0RREY. Remains resting
Notice OF funeral hereafter.
ToWNsHEND. Thursday, December 25, 1924
at her residence, IN Memphis. Tenn, TIiEDA
"a beloved wife Of Howard Townshend
TUCRERMAE. Christmas day. 1924. OF pner-
monia, at Newport, y. L., CLARA FARGIS
wife OF Alfred Tuckernan. Funeral at New
lawn cemetery, Brooklyn, y. y, Sunday a.
VAN VLECK. Wednesday. December "a
1924. WILLIAM a. beloved husband Of
Martha II. Shinn Van Week and fatber
service win be held at GawIer's chspeI.
1loO "a. ave. NV. Saturday. December
q. at pm. Interment private
WALTON Thursday. December 25, 1924. Mrs.
ELIZABETH r. WALTON. departed this
life after q long illness. Funeral service
from her late residence, Saturday, Decem-
Der -, at 10 o'clock No flowers. IDte--
ment private.
WEED. Wednesday evening. Decemb~- q
1924, ar Bronxvilie. Ny, JULIA KETCB
AN WEED, beloved wife OF late I. wa
ter Weed. Funeral. Wright's chapel, Sat
urday at II am. Interment in n. C. Gem
Evening star., 1924-12-26
RITES FOR LOUIS HOUGH
Services Conducted at Petworth
Methodist Church.

Funeral services for Louis Neal
Hough, who died suddenly Saturday
at the Emergency Hospital, were
held at the Petworth NJ. Z. Church
Wednesday afternoon. Rev. DIR. Ed
ward Hayes, pastor, officiated, assist
ed by the former pastor, Rev. DR.. G.
z. Williams of Frederick, Md
Mr.. Hough had been a resident Of
Washington for the past 50 years.
He was born in Waterford, Loudoun
County, Va, September IL, 1852, the
son of the late John and Hannah
Hough. For many years he was a
member of the old Grace NJ E.
Church at Ninth and streets. After
the church was sold he transferred
his membership to the Petworth h
Church.
He is survived by his wife, Mrs. Ada
e. Bennett Hough, also of Waterford.
He leaves a daughter, Miss Leila +.
Hough, and a son, Herbert three
brothers, Robert and Burrow of this
city and George c. Hough of Pitts
burgh, and two sisters, Mrs. BERTHE
James of Alexandria and Mrs. John
Mckinney of Waterford.
Evening star., 1924-12-26
MARSHALL, WRITER, DEAD
Former Capital Correspondent Is
Pneumonia Victim,

Randolph Marshall, former man
aging editor OF the Philadelphia
Public Ledger and at one time Wash
ington correspondent OF the New
York Herald, died Wednesday in the
Lutheran Hospital, New York City,
from pneumonia, according TO word
received here.
Mr.. Marshall started his newspaper
career in Philadelphia 80 years ago,
when he was identified with the
Philadelphia Press.
He was a police reporter, general
writer legislative correspondent and
executive. He went then to New
York on the staff Of the Herald,
where he was assigned to many
important missions abroad, and was
at various times head of the Wash
ington Herald Bureau. He returned
TO Philadelphia where he became
managing editor of the Public Ledger
The funeral will be held Friday IN
Philadelphia, with burial at the West
Laurel Hill Cemetery.
Evening star., 1924-12-26
COL. v. 0. OWEN
DIES SUDDENLY
Retired Medical Officer,
Brother of Senator, Victim
of Heart Attack.

Stricken with a heart attack as he
| was awaiting a street car at Four
| teenth and + streets early last night,
| Col. William Otway Owen. retired Of
| ficer of the Army Medical Corps and
| brother of Senator Robert 7. Owen
| of Oklahoma, died in an ambulance
| en- route to Emergency Hospital.
Mrs. Owen was with her husband
when he was stricken and, aided by
| others, took him to a corner drug
! store, where treatment was given
| before the ambulance arrived. He
was pronounced dead upon arrival at
| Emergency Hospital.
The funeral will be private tomor-
row from his residence, 2719 Ontario
road. at . pm.
| DR.. Percy Hall Of ST. Paul's rectory,
| Alexandria, will officiate. Masonic serv-
| ices also will be conducted. Interment
will be in Arlington National Cemetery.
The honorary pallbearers will be
Surg. Gen. NJ. w. Ireland, u. S.
A: Brig. Gen. r. e. Noble. assistant
| surgeon general; DR.. w. III. Phillips,
Col. Glenn Jones, DIR. Lewis H. Tay
lor. Edgar Snyder, United States mar
shall; Surg. Gen. Hugh S. Cumming.
Public Health Service, and Admiral R.
z. Still, surgeon general L. S. N, and
Col. Tasker
Col. Owen was 20 years old and a
native of Tennessee. He was grad
uated from the Virginia Military In
stttute and obtained his medical de-
gree from the University Of Virginia.
He served in the Army from 1882 un-
til 1919. During his career he had
been curator of the Army Medical
Museum and Library and professor of
anatomy at Georgetown Medical
School
A special act of Congress returned
him to service after he had passed
the retirement age Of Ga years, and
he continued on the active list until
1919.
Recently he had devoted much time
to literary pursuits, and much atten-
ton to Garfield Memorial Hospital, or
which he was a director.
Surviving Col. owen are his WIDOW,
who formerly was Miss Anna RiVes
Chalmer of Lynchburg; a son, William
O. c. owen of this city, and Senator
owen. Col. owen was thlrty-sec-