davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Idle Thoughts
ON GETTING A HAIRCUT.

The bi-monthly visit to the barber
shop by the man who shaves himself
brings q period Of study in superiori-
ty completes as exhibited by the bar
bers, the manicure girl and the shine
boys.
They all recognize the "hair-cut
only" customer and shun him as one
who would keep the pate-de-foie-gras
from their dinner tables.
When one of the knights OF the
razor finally does lay aside his copy
of "Snappy Stories" and condescends
to wait on you he does it with the
air of the man who has an unpleas-
ant job ahead and no way out.
He listens forbearingly to your In
structions as to how you want your
hair cut and then, his mind probably
reverting to the story he has just
been reading, cuts it some other way.
The manicure girl, sympathetic lit
tie soul, doesn't offer to hold your
hand and if she did probably would
cut the nails too short just to even
up with you.
Even the shine boy knows the BIZ
| monthly customer and always man.
| ages to leave smear of shine paste
around the ankle Of his sock.
There are compensations though.
| The haircut customer is given silent
| treatment and never has to listen to
canned stories and jokes that were en-
| joying their second resurrection when
| Columbus was an able seaman.
A professional man who gets shaved
by the same barber every morning says
that in the last ten years he has
| heard the story about two Irishmen,
Pat and Mike, so many times that he
hates to see Irish stew on the bill of
fare.
The only companion In misery that
| the haircut customer has is the
dark-complected proprietor of some
fruit stand with a set of whiskers like
one of those rubberbacked hair
brushes.
No one will ever know what hopes
were dashed when that patent, home
hair-cutting apparatus advertised a
few years ago, failed to live up to its
promise. If one ever is successful per
haps the BARRIERS will miss those little
twice-a-month contributions.
The funny part of It all is that a
bobbed-haired girl can go into the bar
Der shop probably once month to get
her locks trimmed and every barber
in the place will jump to assume a
military and expectant attitude behind
his chair.
Oh, for the good old days In the
little home town when one could
wander into Moses shop and old Nose
lay down his B-flat cornet as though
the mouthpiece was hot to give the
latest haircut as shown on the poster
"just received from New York"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
r. a

Broadway is the lodestar for the
moonstruck children Of the stage. Here
thew either starve or triumph. AND
here they love, sing and die. II lie the
highway Of a thousand AMBITIONS
part of the bewitching life OF a hard
living metropolis. d,
In every block you see the racked
and harried and the bright and happy:
There are those with the timld air OF
uncertainty and those with the tang
of sureness. 1t is the never ending
pageant OF brisk American progress
and hopeless failure.
Passing a prominent Broadway cor
ner the other day ! saw a theatrical
star of yesteryear. For many moons
now he has been AT Liberty" Once
his name hung in electric lights and
now be seeks the three line part
They rise TO the top quickly on
Broadway and Just as quickly they
disappear. She who once cried, Cash,
in an Omaha department store now
rides sabled in her limousine. The
playwright who slept on the Madison
Square bench has half floor of
rooms In a Longacre Square hotel So
il goes.
fnterssting-so heartlessly cruel and
yet % generously kind. Il likes to-
make dsy Of Its idols just as 1t en-
joys making the prince of the pauper.
Poet Expresses II.
II y shrouded In mystery. There
IRE days when Il has the hush Of a
cathedral and other days when III
jsngles with noise. A great poet told
ne that In bis room in a Broadway
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Cheers for This and That
BY o. o. M'INTYRE.

ward Bound" where the passengers
suddenly realize they are dead and on
their way to heaven or hell; The
Potters," a story of ordinary happen
ing in a small town; "Beggar on
Horseback" by the bright young men
who wrote "Dulcey" and ITO the
Ladies'; The Swan" a comedy
drama By Molnar; Seventh Heaven
the love of Partisan waif for a sew
er worker; The Song and Dance
Man." with George NJ. Cohan in the
title role; RAIN" it is still drenching
Jeanne Eagles; "Abie's Irish Rose"
the play all the critics booted; Sun
Up" a tense backwoods drama, and
In the Next Room mystery play.
The Angel Of Broome street Is dead.
Mrs. Angelina Bellantonio was raised
in the slums. When she became rich
she gave 100000 TO the Italian col
ony in her street. There was no cold
Journalism about her charity. She gave
to those whose stories impressed her.
She was seldom imposed upon. Along
with aims went sound advice. She was
a practical woman who knew the pow
er of hard work and good management
to rout adversely. 1t was her belief
people did not have 10 remain poor.
There was always the way out, and
she proved it in hundreds of cases.
She did not have an organization. She
went directly at the job and gave her
self with her money. She lived simply
to have more 10 give. She believed pow
erty was largely a matter of the ment-
al state. She encouraged optimism and
thrift, and once her people caught the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Succumbing to the Radio
BY RING LARDNER

To the editor:
Well friends we finely got one of
these here radios put in the house
and all my friends is giving me the
hoarse laugh because when radios first
come in style i says not for me be-
cause I never had no trouble spend
ing evening without help from New
ark and Toronto and further and
more it is standing joke in our coy
little home that whatever we buy is
either always out of order when We
buy it or goes wrong the next day and
amt the same since.
Like for inst. we bought a grand
fathers clock which they said was a
s day clock and would guarantee per-
feet time if you wounded it once every
S days whereas in realty you got to
wind it every day and keep kissing it
and petting it to make it run at all
and when it does run, why when you
want to know what time it is all as
you half to do is call up central.
And we bought a piano that got
whole octave out Of tune the LIST.
wk. to say nothing about all the
worries coming off of the white keys
as fast as you touched them so that
when our guests insisted on playing
a piece we would half to ask them to
play it in s or 0 sharps or else prom
Use to replace all divots.
Advent of the Radio Liar.
And we bought one of these attach
ments to the photograph which you
put on a wax record and sing or talk
into it and it reproduces what you
said or sung, so we would show it to
our friends and tell them about it and
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
BY GEORGE ABE.

and Laughter, and the best of Feeling
in evidence.
Along about II rs, when many of
the Prominent Citizens lined up be-
hind the Crystal Ware had tenn
porarily forgotten the name of the
Guest of Honor, a dignified Rufus
connected with the Jobbing Trade
arose in his Place to speak a few
Words.
His Work for many Years had been
highly mercantile, but ever since his
High School Days he had secretly
kept warm a Delusion that he should
have studied Law. worked his Way
into Politics and specialized on
popular Oratory. He had accumulated
the Jack, but had thrown away
great Career.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16

don't feel like he can afford to leave
the housc for even 8 minutes a day
for the fear they will put over some
thing which he would not of missed
it for the world.
Like for example I had to be away
from home few hours the other night
in connections with a Get Together
Meeting of the Seven Card Peek
League and when i got back the Mrs.
had compelled a list of the follow
inc features that had took place in
my absents:
The Importance Of Funding the
Inter-Allied Debts.
England's Political Situation
from the Viewpoint of Defeated
Candidate.
Handy Flashlight Battery En-
tertainers.
The Happiness Boys.
ELS Banquet Broadcast from
the Copley Plaza Hotel, Boston.
Closing Reports Of the New
York State Department of Farms
and Markets.
Reading of the Scout Oath.
Vanderbilt Coffee Orchestra.
Cutting Out Cross Talk and
Spark Interference.
Housing Conditions IN the
United States.
Mouth Organ Selections by
Charles Holland.
"Now," says the Mrs. Il guess that
will learn you to not leave me home
alone evenings"
Should Reverse Order.
"You said a mouthful," says. SBut
still and all a man has got to prac-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
tons in N. Y. city a distance of over

tons in N. Y. city a distance Of over
IA miles.
Some of our neighbors that is also
infected with radios are always tell
ing that last night they listened to
fine concert from PWX Havana or
WFAA Dallas but 1 figure that these
is the same kind of people that says
their baby don't never wake up nights
or that they can get II miles out of
gallon. However leave them rave
and personly l am satisfied as long as
/ can tune in on the Happiness, Boys
at Newark or maybe catch few stray
sentences from WPAB on Life
Amongst the Women Students at
State College Pennsylvania.
Just What Public Wants.
What amazes me the most in re-
CARDS to the radio amt the scientific
angle which don't make no pretense
of how do they do it, but the genius
displayed by the boys and gals that
gets up the programs for knowing
just exactly what the public wants
and providing same, in fact il is get
ting SO bad that q right minded man
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
The Fable of the Life of the Party

One night a Complimentary Dinner
by some of the Boys who were look
could solidify themselves with tn,
Main Squeeze if they would put
Roses all around him and then pre-
sent him with a hand-painted State
ment on Vellum to the effect that he
was one of Natures Noblemen who
never went back on a Friend.
This is Old Stuff. but it never failed
to get over.
If you tell a tight-jawed Millionaire
that he is Rich and a Close Buyer,
you are not springing any News on
him! but if you certify to him that
he is a Public Benefactor and a
Jolly Good Fellow, you can get under
his Hide.
He has always wanted to believe
that he was Jovial and soft-hearted,
but somehow he could never feel
quite sure.
This swell Dinner wa. given a long
time ago. 1t cost so much q Plate,
This was a Joke. The Plates had
practically nothing to do with the
Affair.
The important Features Of the
Feast were the many Receptacles
which each Guest found in front of
him-some short, some tall, some
with long Stems and others requir-
ing only little Gravel in the Bottom
and n few Gold Fish swimming about
to complete the resemblance to a
center-table Aquarium.
Period Known As Il. V. ID.
The Chairman of the Committee on
Arrangements was a popular Wine
Pusher and he saw to it that all
Colors and Vintages were served.
All this happened in the by-gone
Days when so-called Diners could
hoist during every Course instead of
being compelled to absorb heavily in
advance, the same as Camel getting
ready to cross the Sahara Desert.
In the period known as b. V. D..
Before Volstead Decreed) there was
only one Bar in each Hotel instead
of one just beyond each open Tran
som. The Person who kept it in his
Room was regarded with Suspicion,
and any one who carried a Flask
was a Social Outcast.
There was no need Of hiding it
away because it could be purchased,
on a Moments Notice at almost any
kind of Retail Establishment except
a Hardware Store.
The Chosen and Elect who came
to attend the big Testimonial to the
rivet-hearted Money Getter knew
that the whole Irrigation Project had
been carefully worked out in Advance,
that the Waitress had received their
instructions, Il It the rate of Mortal
ity would be very high and that
Search Parties would be out for
several days, bringing in the Dead.
Rufus Makes n Hit.
Therefore. the Function { away
to a hurrah Start, with Music, Song
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Strong Argument

Two famous .debaters were to thrash
out the question of which was the most
valuable sense; that of taste or Of
smell. An audience of a thousand
strong gathered TO hear them.
The smell man was first and spoke
eloquently for more than two hours.
He was very convincing and when. he
had finished it was to sit down amid
a thunder OF applause. Next the
taste man rose.
Bring me a whisky and soda" be
shouted.
The drink was brought TO him, am
Der colored, sparkling. He tossed it
off. Then, smacking his lips, he dis
dainfully handed the empty glass to
his opponent you smell it." he said.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16

The Speaker had prepared an Ad
dress which was full of Fireworks
and Cut Flowers, and he had worked
in a choice line of Joe Millers.
Furthermore, he had the first
requisite of Greatness, penetrating
Megaphone Voice which could cut
through the Cigar Smoke and drown
the Street Traffic.
He was keyed to Concert Pitch and
the Audience was in what you might
call a Receptive Mood-ready to weep
over the death of George Washington
or enlist for the Civil War.
He was a Riot. All the old sure
fire Hokum and the Haverly Minstrel
Gags went over big. He killed them
in their Seats. Even some of the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Doc Wondered, Too!

Headlight Bill was a colored gen.
tleman of sporting proclivities, who
had got his name from a large dia-
mond which he wore as a stud. He
had occasion to consult doctor about
a misery" in his chest.
The medical man eyed the stud
keenly. This made Headlight some
what uneasy.
After asking q number Of ques-
tons, the doctor produced q stetho-
scope and placed 1t sQuarely over
the stud. Finishing his examination
the doctor looked solemn. So did
the patient.
amt it genuwine, doctahP asked
Headlight.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Just a Decoy

A clergyman who occasionally sub
stituted for brother preacher in a
remote country parish, was scandal
lied on observing the old deacon, who
had been collecting the offering quiet
ly abstract a coin before presenting
the plate at the altar rail.
After service he called the old man
into the vestry and told him, with
some emotion, that his crime had been
discovered.
The deacon looked puzzled for a
moment. Then a sudden light downed
on him.
"Why, sir, you don't mean that
old dollar Of mine? Why, I've led off
with that for the last fifteen years 7"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Left Alone

1t seems that the woman complained
that she wanted her freedom so she
could 60 back east. She testified that
her husband never was at home and
that she was lonely,
"How long has this been going on?"
asked the judge and when the woman
answered five years" his honor moved
TO ask why she had waited until this
particular time to ask for legal redress.
"Well, your honor" she sObbed. 81
had two gold fish for company, but
they died in that last cold spell.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
She Understood

Two Scots were stopping at Lon
don hotel for the first time In their
lives. One, discovering there was no
soap in their room, rang for a chamber.
maid.
eye MIGHT bring up a wee bittie o.
sape," he tod her. The girl looked
at him in, open-mouthed bewilder-
ment, unabe to understand q word
he said.
Dom It, lassie," thundeEed the
irritated gentleman from the north
team ye no Understand plain Scotch"
The maiJ gave a sigh or relief
and departed, to return In a few
minutes wild bottle and two glassea
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
On With the Fight

A certain married couple Is in the
habit of falling out and having a big
quarrel every few days. One morning
Immediately after one Of their regular
family rows. the husband said:
Jane, l want you 10 leave; for I'm
tired Of you. And / want you 70 take
al of your clothes with you" A mo-
ment later he turned around and add
ed: But say, let me know when
you're ready to go.
But why do you want to know
when I'm ready to go, if you're tired
of me?" asked his wife.
Because want to go along with
yon," answered the husband.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Too Fast

The plaintiff, a Mexican was talking
as fast as his knowledge Of English
would permit.
Suddenly he CHANGED to notice the
court stenographer, and observed that
the man was taking down everything
he said. Whereupon he began to talk
faster and faster. Finally he threw up
his hands in despair and cried:
Don't write so fast; can't keep
Nm with Ynn y
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16

they would speak a piece or sing a
song into the patent attachment and
after they was all through we would
turn on the reproducing needle and
wait for the result which was genally
always absolute silence.
But any way my friends kept pes
tering me and Fostering me about this
here radio and if you don't want it
for yourself think of the Riddles
heavens bless tLeir little hearts SO j
invested in one and. instead of being
a complete flop like we expected, why
on a still day when they amt no in
reference, we can all but hear sta
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Strategy

At the club two .card-players were
annoyed by two Of the class of bores
who persist in looking on at a game
and making remarks about it. After
standing the nuisance as long as he
could, one Of the players asked one
of these spectators to play his hand
for him until he returned. The spec
tator took the cards, whereupon the
first player left the room. Pretty soon
the second player followed the exam
pie of the first. The two substitutes
played for some time when one of
them asked the waiter where the two
original players were.
playing cards in the next ROOM"
was the reply.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
New Birthstones

For laundress--the soapstvne.
For diplomats-the boundarystone.
For architects-The cornerstone.
For cooks-the puddingstone.
For sugar dealers-the sandstone.
For taxi drivers-the milestone.
For grouches-the bluestone.
For Irishmen-the blarneystone.
For borrowers-the tombstone.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Done In Color.

"a funny thing happened IN my
town last week." said the chatty man
in a train.
"What was thati" asked his listen
er.
well, Black, a white man, and
White, colored man, thought a fei-
low named Brown was pretty green
so they tried to sell him a white
horse. But Brown was well read and
he deceived them both. In fact, he
got all the money they had"
"And nowT
"And now Black and White ar;
blue
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16

hotel he used 10 hear q strange cad
snce that came up from the ssphalted
streets. ITO me-" be said, ct Is like
the laughter Of children who are about
to die.p
/ have walked Broadway with empty
and with well-filled pockets. Without
money It seems a dismal dungeon, but
with money il Is tinted with romance.
The dullest minded cannot help but be
touched By its magic
A new definition for ne eptntst;
IAN optirnist 10 q man who can make
q delightful drink AT night out OF the
lemons that are handed him during
the day"
Tin Pan Alley wants 30 change its
name. The piano Founders have the
Idea there Is an opprobrium to such
a classification-and a lack OF the
implication OF the art that is theirs.
Someone suggested the Street Of g
Thousand Bars, but that was rejected
rs being merely q wise-crack. There
have been several suggestions taken
s-riously. Among them are Melody
land and Arcadia.
New York names are rarely pic
&uresque. The best is Greenwich VII
1age for the scribblers and artists.
The Rialto for the theatrical district
Is colorless. The East Side may mean
the home Of the rich or the poor. The
lower East Side is squalOr and the
upper East Side is luxury. Wall Street
as the financial haven doesn't have a
- TAnIan. hoe hn nn1nr e al
designations. Soho, Bird Cage Walk,
Piccadilly, Houndsditch. Pail Mail,
Trafalgar Square, Charing Cross and
scores of others are sparkling aud fit.
A ~Thank You" Complex.
I often wonder if there is such a
thing as a "thank-yOu complex" ]
have never been able to make any
sense of appreciation ring true in
speech. ] do not believe anyone is
more appreciative Of the ordinary
little kindnesses than l, yet when
try to express myself il is done awk-
wardly and without feeling. Many
times / have offended because it has
been utterly impossible for me to show
proper enthusiasm. Among members o.
m family it is understood that a gift
or a favor will not receive the verba
thanks. / simply have TO show ap
probation in some other way.
The fashionable ladies are to carr!
the postage stamp parasOls. They ar,
about the size Of a mans straw hat
with a short handle and are Of courst
just to keep off the sun.
The other afternoon / dropped in Il
zee a series of Egyptian dances. Tn
hall was pungent with incense. Their
was a pale blue stage light and tn
throbbing Of drums. Against the exoti
background a wisp Of a girl floated on
TO pay tribute to the native gods. |
was a harsh note to hear a cand,
butcher in the gallery yell, Peanut
Five q Sack"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Safe

First Tramp-Dat last place dined
at was q preachers. He told me dat
we would be judged by our work in
de hereafter.
Second Tramp-Den we're all right,
We never done any work.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
1EAvING 10 ROOM FOR Any ALBIs he Eagle Pass

Of of Commerce meeting T Wyhe p
The Guide that the
will be until $50 Wednesday
going church help
the the church service concluded whe
the meeting
will be spread for the crowd.'
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
A WESTERN UNION OPERATOR

WESTERN UNION OPERATOR sitting at his window small
running marveled
speed Of
ngborhood twins chasing
other. s@ass
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
Saves Nickel a Day.

oohto ANiNhCl a Ddls
One Of Mrs. Bellantoni's benefact-
crs, by the way. runs a chain of shoe
shining parlors in midtown. lie had a
wife and four children when he went
to her for money to keep from being
evicted from a two-room tenement flat.
She told him the first thing he must
do was to have, even il it was no more
than 5 cents a day. He began saving
that amount. He deposited the first
dollar In a savings bank. when /
got a bank book" he told me, 81 be-
gan to feel independent. 1t was an in
teresting game, scrimping TO add to
that nest egg" he finally had a
chance to buy a little stand in the
rear OF stationery store and he has
been flourishing ever since.
II Is an old story to box office men
this business Of playing deaf and
asking for seats in the front row. They
look upon anyone who springs 1t with
just a little suspicion. As result
any one who Is suffering from defec-
tive hearing might as well not men,
ton it. 1t doesn't do any good In Sc
curing better seats. As a matter OF
fact, a box office man tells me il usu-
ally results in poorer seats. For, you
see, all New York box office men are
chronic grouches. That may be why
they rarely rise above their calling.
Copyright. 1924, by the Mcknight
Syndicate, Inc)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
A SAN ANTONIO COUPLE LEFT here for

SAN ANTONIO COUPLE LEFT here for San Angelo In Ford
milk Junior When the time fol-
found hunk lot Of butermfk in the
the
a OF dairy.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16

NEIGHBORs IN HIGHLAND PARK have hit scheme
chickens and garden
chickens
II garden. They to switch again year. i
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-16
What Do You Know About That?

WOMAN MOTORIsT WITH PRETTY fingers covered
with gives the signal at least half block from the