davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
BY GEORGE AIDE.

Hall was even more corrupting
than the Play House, and both
were Way Stations on the down
ward Path leading to the Pits of
Torment where the Blue Flames
leap and all the Sinners who were
so happy in this Life fricasseed
throughout Eternity.
When it came to the matter of
spirituous, yinous and malt Liquors.
the Views held by the Parents of
Alvin We're almost too extreme for
Words. They told the Boy that if
he ever went into one of those
Doggeries with swinging Doors in
front and put his Foot on the Rail
he would automatically become a
Social Outcast.
The Reward Of Moral Youth.
Alvin went away TO College with
several Tons of Good Advice and a
quiet Determination to sample
some of the Forbidden Fruits which
had always been kept just beyond his
Reach.
Without going into the details of
the in-between History, it may be
reported that Alvin now owns and
operates one of the most successful
Road Houses to be found on the
Main Motor Route leading from
here to some of those places up
North. He is quite successful be-
cause even those Patrons who are
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

"Who kicked the dog?"
These four words constituted let
ter written by Charles Stevens, secre-
tary of Fire and Police Commission
er Wright, Thursday. The missivc
contained no date. no signature moth
ing, in fact that would indicate the
identity of the sender.
The unique letter was placed in
an envelope addressed to Bert Potter,
Harper, Kan"
II haven't seen or heard of Bert
in fifteen years." said Secretary
Stevens. "Reading the international
Musician this morning, l ran across
his name and wrote him letter.
He'll know, / am certain. when he
reads il, who it is from"
And then the commissioners secre-
tary laughed and grew reminiscent.
Secretary Stevens is musician.
Years ago he was a member of a
troupe that Travelled over the coun-
try and Bert Potter was his pal. The
phrase, Who kicked the dogT he
said. was used by them while play
ing on n Mississippi steamboat near
ly score of years ago.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

long since learned he is more COM
Portable aud secures much more atten-
tion in the quiet place in the side
streets.
In the mammoth taverns he is
ticketed and numbered like one of
herd of sheep. Nobody knows his
name or cares. In the smaller hotels
there is the small city flavor. The
clerk remembers names.
Most people who live in hotels the
year around rarely eat in them save
for breakfast. New York is filled
with hundreds Of reasonably priced
restaurants and tea rooms where
splendid meals are served.
Don't be ashamed TO visit the Au-
tomat. Nobody knows or cares. And
people with plenty of money often
drop in there for lunch. Most N thu
best tea rooms are in the Forties.
Here a well-coOked table de hote din
ner may be had for from 81 to
S1.5O.
And don't be skittish about asking
questions. That's what traffic po-
licemen and floor walkers are mostly
for. Everybody in New York asks
questions even Of strangers. Peo-
pie who live here for years NAV GO
into a strange neighborhood and be-
come lost. New York is entirely used
10 lost folks. 1t thinks nothing of il
and it doesn't brand one as. Il
yokel.
A walk IN through the Bowery or
Chinatown day or night is as safe
as on Broadway or Fifth avenue. \
subway train to Brooklyn Bridge
whisks you to Park Row in a few
moments. Walk northward on Park
Row to Chatham Square where the
Bowery and Chinatown begin.
Chinatown is mostly for visitors
anyway and the vices there are hid
den. There isn't any danger of be-
ing ensnared into opium dens or be
ing shot in tong wars.
The Bowery is as bright in some
spots as any other street. Its squalor
is interesting. too.
Every visitor should see Central
Park and the pleasantest way TO see
il Is in a hanson cab-scores of
which roam Fifth avenue. But bar
gain with the driver first. Ana never
accept his first price.
The visitor from the inland is
usually Interested in the ocean-going
liners. A subway to Bowling Green
takes him to the entrance of Battery
Park where he gets a fine view OF
the harbor, can see the Aquarium and
also o peep at the Statue of LIB
erty. Ellis Island and liners docking
or going out.
Brooklyn Bridge at night is one oil
the most enhancing spots in all New
York.
Exclusive Supper Clubs.
Upper Broadway may be seen on
surface car-the red ones-leav
ing Forty-second street and Seventh
avenue every few minutes. The big
gest thrill for the stranger perhaps is
Broadway as the theaters empty theil
hordes. Longaere Square is the place
TO watch this noisy, honking medley o.
the metropolis.
The most exclusive supper club
are in the East Fifties-a selection
may be made from the following
She -Four Hundred Club. the Win
Der Club. Club Royal. They are typi
ssl of al. All one needs is a Dime
coat 20 gain admittance.
Other midnight supper clubs in tn
broadway district are the Palai
Royal, Club Troeadero, the Silver
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
Advice to Summer Visitors
BY o. o. M'INTyRE

New York is now filling up with
summer tourists. The zap wagons
have fresh coats of paint and pick
pockets from Paris and London have
arrived for their summer picking from
those who stand in wide-eyed wonder
ment before the glass cages at the
Aquarium and the barred cages of the
Bronx Zoo.
Guide book hawkers flood Broad
way and Fifth avenue. New chintz
decorates Greenwich Village haunts
and artists are busting off their soul
full expressions. All the New York
homes are being boarded up and the
peregrination to the country has
set in.
The town belongs TO the visitor
and all he has TO do is pay the piper.
He must pay high if he doesn't watch
his step, but after all. New York
crs must live. II it were not for the
seasonal pilgrimage from the hinter-
land many New York shops would
plop into bankruptcy.
There is a popular fallacy among
visitors that when they arrive in New
York they must plunge into riotOus
spending. 1t is really not expected.
The menials who exact their high
priced tributes are satisfied with
small tips from visitors. Their "suck
ersr are New Workers.
Quiet Hotels, the Best.
The visitor also has an idea he
must 60 to the hotels captained and
managed by descendants of the James
boys. The seasoned visitor here has
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
The Bald-head Club
BY RING w. LARDNER

To the editor: ...,
May II has been set to side as
the date for the annual meeting OF the
Bald Head Club of America. As the
club was founded in Connecticut most
all the meetings is held in what /
have nicknamed the Nutmeg state
and the one next mo. will be in Water
bury. No matter if you are member
or no. you are eligible to attend and
join the organization provided you can
prove by . witnesses that you don't
harbor a comb in the home.
The club just done the undersigned
the honor of asking me TO make the
annual address which l declined on
the grounds that it win be couple
more years before l can talk TO the
boys on a equal footing. When the
proper time comes and l am reed. into
the fold, l will lend all possible MS
sistance to n membership drive that
will give the organization such nation
wide strength as to unable it to carry
out as important reforms as is now
being tended to by the Ku Klux Khan
and the Girl Scouts.
Shoot on Sight.
] don't want nobody TO get the i'm
preston that l am criticising the Bald
Heads for their present lack of &C.
tivity. In the LIST. place l understand
that the sole purpose of the club when
organized was to just meet once Il yr.
and kind of comfort each other with
stories and incidence in regards to the
advantages of badness, They have
been success as far as doing
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

Once there was a small He-Child
who came timidly upon the Scene OF
Action entirely surrounded by Don'ts
He was the Olive Branch claimed by
an emotional and highly moral Cou-
| pie who hoped that Alvin would grow
up to be President of some good De-
nominational College and appear on
the Lecture Platform.
They decided that in order to
keep him pure and unsullied it was
their Duty TO warn him against
something every eighs Minutes.
They started in where the Ten
Commandments left off. They
passed more fool Laws than could
be Matched out by State Legisla-
ture.
BY the time that Alvin was knee
high TO a Duck he learned that all
Natural Inclinations are tainted
with Sin, that juvenile Initiative
always leads to Tribulation and
that almost anything he did, ex-
cept under specific Directions, was
Mistake. So he was scared of his
own Shadow and down deep inside
of Him there was a burning
Resentment at the everlasting Par
entail Supervision.
He was told that he must not
waste the Summer Hours in fishing
along the Crick when he might be
per's Proverbial Philosophy and
Fundamentalists With a Large IF. Z"
He was enjoined from playing
Circus in the Hay Now with Mem
bers of the well-known Alley Gang
for fear that he would pick up Cuss
Words and learn to spit between
his Teeth.
He was urged not to miss any of
his Music Lessons, otherwise he
would never become cultured and
refined.
He was given to understand that
these Nickel Library Books about
the James Boys and Bill Dalton
would corrupt his Mind and coarsen
his Impulses and divert him from
the high and lofty Purposes which
were essential 10 a great Career.
Also. he had been warned that
every Playing Card in the Whole
Deck was Complimentary Ticket
admitting Bearer to red-hot
Griddle on the Main Aisle of the
Fiery Furnace. The Parents were
Fundamentalists with large +.
They raised Alvin on the Belief
that Satan had Horns and wore
Red Flannel and carried a Fish
Hook on the end of his Tail.
As the Lad grew older his Folks
became frantic in their efforts to
protect him against the enticements
of Dancing. This was before the
Days when each Couple worked
within small Floor Space and
danced with practically everything
except their Feet.
Frigid Embrace a Cardinal Sin.
In fact, the old-fashioned Waltz,
with a free Circulation of Air be-
tween the two Partners. and the
Polka, which was simply "a Hop.
Skip and Jump set to Music, would
be regarded by the present Hooters
as mere Physical Violence. At the
time when Alvin was in Danger
the Young People did not carry on
their Petting Parties right in the
middle of Ball Room under the
Electric Lights, while the Saxo-
phones were moaning.
Nevertheless. the Parents re-
garded the frigid Embrace of 1895
as a Cardinal Sin and the Dance
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

awarded to any member fatally shoot
ing
l. Any barber who mentioned the
word tonic in the presence of menu
Der;
>. ANY citizen Of either sex that
slapped any member ON the bead or
rubbed his or her hand over same ;
>. Any citizen who made any face
tious remark to a member in regards
t. their ailment, like for inst. Put
on your hat. You're IL undressed."
Boycott on Firpo and Heifetx.
The custom of wearing a wig or
toupee would be considered a insule
TO the organization but il the person
caught doing same land it might be
stated at this poiut that about tic
only way you can tell II a man is
wearing q wig is to look at him. is a
LIST. offender he should be let off with
a scolding provided he publicly de-
stroys the ornament. After the list. of
Tense be should be give the saue trect-
ment as the barber and the citizens
mentioned above.
In time it would be my idear to
take some kind of action VS.. the boys
that is 80 years old and over and still
retains the same amt. OF hair they had
at 81. This list would include. boys
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

not known somehow manage to
get it.
He has several Swift Cars which
travel by Night through the Pine
Woods. Alvin is a Man of de-
pendable Character and Reputation,
otherwise he would not have so
many Friends along the Route to
protect him and see that everything
gets through all right.
He is on friendly Terms with a
great many well-known Persons of
Wealth and high Professional Stand
ing because he never lies about his
Goods and his Prices are about So
lower on the Case.
In his attractive Speak-Easy the
Dancing begins to warm up about
A. NJ. Once in a while Alvin will
lead the Orchestra as he received
a very careful Musical Training
when he was young.
Sad Case of Steve.
Upstairs there is Wheel and
also Stud Game in which all the
Players wear Eye-Shades and
watch the Deal.
Alvin still feels Guilty every time
he lights Cigar. He hears still,
small Voice say don't" But he
is determined TO. keep on experiment.
ing until he finds out whether his
Parents were right or wrong when
they told him to lay off Of Dancing,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
The Fable of the Boy Who Was Told


Drinking. Card.Playing, Popular
Novels, etc.
Now it happens that when Alvin
was being brought uD under Glass
there lived right across the Street
an unfortunate Urchin =. named
Steve, whose Father was making q
sincere but futile Attempt to nor
it up more rapidly than the Reve.
nue. Officers could put Stamps Oh
it. Dad would land in about three
times a week lit up like a Merry-Go
Round and scandalize the whole
Neighborhood.
Alvin's Parents had often tried
to rescue the Father of Steve, but
it became evident that an undyine
Thirst cannot be cured by any
Treatment which consists entirely
of Sad Conversation. The Neigh.
borhood Soak did not seem thank
full and appreciative when they
came over and told him what a
Bum he was. He was the original
Blotter.
So the Parents of Alvin stopped
trying to do anything for the Rum
Hound and notified Alvin that he
must not play with Steve because
the latter would probably take after
his Pa and be hosting Cocktails by
the time he was 81 Years of Age.
According TO all the Laws of En-
vironment and Hercdity it seemed
more than probable that Steve was
already cast for the part of Joe
Morgan.
Steve saw Father on a good
many different Mornings and grad
ually became convinced that the
Red Stuff was not Forbidden
Fruit at all, but a sure-fire Pro-
moter of Misery.
He lived in the same House with
a Dreadful Example until every
Black Bottle looked like a Bomb
Shell. He knew all about Hootch
and did not have to go to College
in order to get acquainted with the
Demon.
He is now the Head of a Mail
Order House and his Income Tax
would be even larger than it is. if
he had better Memory.
He wears a Getaway Coat during
Business House and his Employees
are not permitted to smoke while
on duty.
To this Day he cannot look at a
Corkscrew without feeling a sudden
Impulse to pull his Hat down over
his Ears and run n Mile.
Is 1t Wicked to Be Bad?
He is the granite Cornerstone
of organized Reform, the Leader of
the Movement to stop all Dancing
at IL p. NJ. the Treasurer of the
Society which is investigating
Cabaret Entertainers, the largest
Contributor to the League and one
of the Agitators for modified Sun
day Amusements.
Within the past few Weeks he
and some other solemn Uplifters
have been meeting in the Church
Parlor to devise some Plan for
closing up the notorious Road
House owned by Alvin. They have
heard some wildeyed Stories about
the incest Young People in Town
going out there and remaining all
night and raising Cain-helping
Alvin to investigate and find out.
sure enough, whether it is Wicked
to be Bad or merely Exciting. =
MORAI-No Child ever gave
Three Cheers for Lecture Bureau.
Copyright, 1924. by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

Slipper. Club Lido, Montmartre. the
Rendezvous. the Plantation and
Monte Carlo. Any taxi driver will
take you to any one of these.
The careful New Yorker watches
his taxi hire. Engage only the we'll
equipped cab. They are sponsored by
people of financial resources. The
ramShackle rovingtaxi is dangerous
and in case of accident there is no re-
dress.
AT three movie houses-the Rialto,
Rivoli and Capitol-there are Won
derful symphony orchestras. Nearly
every day there is musical recital
at Carnegie Hall for those who miss
the opera season.
Here are some plays New York has
acclaimed and will run all summer ::
Rain" kid Boots" mister Pitt. :"
stepping Stones" white Cargo. e"
The Show Off. The Swan" " Beggar
on Horseback" Outward Bound. I"
The Potters." "Charlot's English Re
vuc. "St. joan and "Cyrano de Ber-
gerac."
The Five O'clock Parade.
To those who 90 in for afternoon tea
there is color and sparkle in the tea
rooms of all the big hotels. 1t is
somewhat of a fashion show and cell
cbrities OF the stage and movies are
usually conspicuous.
No visitor TO New York should miss
the five o'clock parade on Fifth ave-
nue.. A walk from Thirty-fourth
street northward TO the Plaza reveals
New YorG's fine feathered strut. There
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

like Thos. Meighan. John Barrrymc
Valentino and Count. Ludwig So
Won Oofdegoof and the LIST. stem wor
be to warn them and then if ID
didn't show no falling off in reasd
able time, have them bobbed by I;
Indian. fe tt+.It
l would imrose a severe penalty
any member that Went to recital
Heifetz or attended a fight in Will
firpO was taking part or patroni3
any event by which benefits would
crue to / of these here hairy .apes|
Ira Lobe Wins Big Event.
Vile on the subject Of the 81
Heads it might not be out of pill
to inform readers that several OF
clubs of a somewhat similar nat
has recently been organized VIII
has very simple eligibility rules VIII
may be guessed by the readers thu
sells. Amongst these is the Chinl
Club. the Meeting Eyebrows Club,
Freckles Club, the Ancient Order
Moles, the Store Teeth Assn. and
Independent. Order of Outstand
Ears.
OF these, the last named is
latest in the field and alrso seems
have the most ingenuity. Like
inst. their I'd. annual meeting
held 2 weeks ago and the meet
place was Erie, Pa. On motion of
president. steps was taken for
formation of a ladies auxiliery, I'd
made up Of gals whose ears refuse
hide but insists on swaying in
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
Municipal Thrift

On the way from one town I
Cod to another a Bostonian car
a charming house by the Il
which Immediately claimed hi
ton. 1t bore a fresh coat d
paint, which was well set off I
blinds. There was n smooth |
lawn in front, a group of fin
trees. and hammocks, piazza
brilliant sofa pillows, and all
juncts of summer comfort in
Gus profusion.
A boy of II accompanied
guide and adviser. To him thu
er put this query: Whose
that?"
oh" said the boy casually
the poorhouse.'
The poorhouse! You seem
luxurious paupers in this to-
"Well. sir, you see, we ain't
one, and she's an old womb
overseers board her out will
the neighbors, and let the n
to some of them Boston swell
summer and that pays her X
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
A Piece of Luck

The jury had been selected to try
civil suit and the attorney, ready to
open the case, called for the plaintiff.
A man arose from the jury box and
made his way to the witness stand.
"Who are your asked the judge.
I'm the plaintiff" was the answer.
what were you doing in the jury
box?"
81 was summoned to sit on the
jury" He produced his summons.
"Surely. you know you cant help
try your own case?" said the judge.
well. | did think it was a piece
Of luck said the baffled plaintiff,
rnefnllN.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
Man Overheard!

Some years ago the Yankee sc
Susan Allen, under the commi
Captain Sturgis, was beating
Connecticut river. Mr.. ColliI
mate. was at his station forwal
cording to his notion of thin;
schooner was getting too near =,
mud flats which lay along tn
shore.
The mate went aft to the G.
and. with his hat cooked on on
said: ''Cap'n Sturgis. you're !
a leetle too close to them flats.
We better go about?"
The captain stared at him.
"Mr. Collins. jest you go 70
and tend to your part Of the
ner. I'll tend to mine"
Mr.. Collins went forward !
dudgeon.
Boys he beloved out. SD
that mudhook's all clear for
co."
aye, aye. sir"
"Let go. them" he roared.
Down went the anchor. out
the chains. and like a. flash the
Allen came luffing into the wi
then brought up all standing
Collins walked aft and touched
We'll, cap'n; my part of the
is to anchor"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
External Evidence

The late s. Barring Gould. author
Of Onward. Christian Soldiers. and
more than 100 books, was an English
clergyman of rather caustic wit.
Mr.. Barring Gould once took q Lon
don taxicab from Charing Cross to
Claridge's, and gave the driver six
penny tip. The man, accustomed to
large tips from those who descended
at such hotels as Claridge's. looked
at the little silver coin contempetu-
ously.
"Wot's this ere for, guv'nor:" he
said.
Mr.. Barring Gould. as he turned
away, answered curtly:
Drink, fancy, judging from your
nose"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

arc millionaires, chorus girls, men
abOut-town and a mixture of all de-
grees in the social scale.
The most expensive soda water
fountain place in town is Hicks on
Fifth avenue. 1t is a rendezvous for
many social lights at almost any hour
of the day.
There are many fascinating mo-
mcnts also in prowling around the
two big terminals-the PENNSYLVANIA
and Grand Central. The commuter
rush is on at ) o'clock and here one
sees hundreds of thousands rushing
pell-mell TO suburban homes.
Coney Island is always interesting.
There are busses leaving almost any
corner of Broadway in the Forties
each hour. The round trip may be
made for a dollar. There is a mega
phOnist who points out places of in
terest on the ride through the Lower
East Side and Brooklyn.
Concy is always bigger and bet
ter than ever. The gimcrack shows
and the myriad thrillers delight both
young and Old. The beach with its
army of bathers is also n pleasant
place to see a city at play.
u Io.Ill Vi Lone! LOT TWO Viii cost
about $40. The subway will carry
the visitor to Harlem and the Bronx.
The Bronx Zoo is open every day in
the year. 1t is one of the finest in
the world and is well worth sec
ing.
People often write me what a week
in New York seeking pleasure costs.
! know of many people who came
here and have seen most of the
places of interest for a total of 800.
1t is easy, of course, to spend that
much in a day.
Copyright. 1924. by the Mcknight
Syndicate. Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
A Speaking Part

The girl who had been promoted
from the chorus TO small part was
greatly pleased with herself. But not
so the rest of the chorus. who were,
of course. consumed with jealousy.
At the rehearsal the producer said
good. after she had spoken her lines.
and after that there was no holding
her.
AT rehearsal | was letter perfect. a."
she Informed the girls. so you see.
my dears, there's one consolation-I
know my Words
And the mink of the company in
quired maliciously:
what" Both of them?'
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27

what they set out to do is concerned.
But it seems to me like a shame to
have such a assn. devote thcmselfs to
pleasure only when they's so much
nessary work that they might do.
The list. measure that l would sug-
gest is to have each local chapter APP
ply to the police dept. of its city tor
permission for every member TO carry
gun. Members would half to pledge
themsclf to not misuse their weapons
but to use them only when nessary,
and. for effective use of same they
would be awarded a cash prize to be
drawed either from the local or Ia
tional treasury. Prizes would be
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-04-27
The Wrong Way

The innocent bystander stopped and
watched a brawny expressman tug
ging at a big box which was nearly
as wide as the doorway through which
he was trying to drag it.
Like to have some help?" asked
the bystander.
Sure" said the expressman.
For five minutes the two tugged.
lifted and wheezed but the box did not
move an inch. Finally, the innocent
bystander Strengthened up and said,
between puffs:
Il don't believe we can get il out"
Get 1t out:" roared the express
man, why, you idiot, I'm trying to
get it in"