The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-06-21
Retired Husband Hard dProblem
 For Wife

The Retired Husband Likes To:
 Listen in at the radio;
 Write poetry about the little, old
 red schol house;
 Make battercakes and corn muf-
 fins.
 By CAROLINE CRAWFORD <COLUMN after column has been
 written on how to get a hus-
 band, how to keep q husband after you get him, and that ancient housewife philosophy that probably originated with Methuselahs wife that the nearest way to his heart is through his solar plexus. Every bit of this matrimonial advice has all ways boiled down to feed the brute and you'll live happily ever after" But after a wife has fed this brute for some thirty or thirty-five years and he has made his pile and come home with that joyful @ announce ment that he is never going to work another day in his life, few scribes have offered any help to this wife on how to kep him happy, how to keep him out of the kitchen, from peeking into the icebox, meddling with the other members of the family and even de- stroying the comfort of the family poodle.
 The retired man! He's the biggest pest in the world, pest to himself, his wife, his flapper daughters, his college sons, the servants, the ice-man, the coalman and even the man who takes the garbage. He doesn't know what to do with himself and so he wants to see what others are doing, and usually being a ''selfmade' man he has an idea about everything and how it should be done.
 But cheer up, Madam Housewife, there are ways to take care of this man who has decided to round up his own life by doing nothing but watch others. There are ways, say we, and probably the two foremost are listen ing in at the radio and driving a mo- tor car. One or the other is sure to get him, and sometimes it's both!
 A retired man will listen for hours at the radio while his wife can do the dusting, the mending and life will go on almost as calmly as when he kissed her goodby at 9 80 and did not show up until dinner time. If it isn't prize fights. it will be jazz, or a clear so prano's voice, or lecture or some station in Honolulu. Just leave him with pair of receivers over his ears or dozing before the loud speaker and he'll be as content as a baby with a bottle in it's mouth.
 If he's still a pretty good old sport and has good eyesight and likes to tinker let him get motor car, and when he isn't driving you out on Long Island or upstate he'll spend at least three or four hours of his time out in the garage. He may even attach a radio to the car and then your life will be as serene as a hothouse lily's.
 A player-piano has proved a de- lightful 'plaything" for many re- tired man and some of these old self made" boys have actually convinced themselves that they are playing it themselves and that their interpreta- tion of music is equal to Paderewski's.
 But writing poetry has been one of the greatest diversions for the retired man. It is surprising how many self made men who have given their best thoughts to dollars and cents and per cents have a sentimental streak in them and will sit for hours writing ''poems" about the little red school house on the hill and Odes to the modest violet whom they married.
 Strange as it may seem, the retired man Sometimes takes his turn at sew ing. We knew one who made tatting, yards and yards of it, for his feminine relatives handkerchiefs and lingerie. Another self-made man took great pains sewing on buttons the way his mother taught him to when he was a strug- gling young bachelor. The result was that not a member of his family ever complained of buttons falling off, and sometimes even the visitors were ask ed if they thought a certain button would stay on until they reached home.
 In his heart nearly every man brides himself on his culinary ability. Most men know how to make good coffee and some even pride themselves on bacon frying, corn mullins and bat tercakes. If the retired man shows an inclination to peek into the icebox, count the eggs and tells you your almost out of butter, get him an apron and cookbook and let him try his hand at cooking. He's probably dying to, and after several queer looking con cotins he'll most likely turn out some thing really very good which gives him hours of satisfaction from talking ing about it all the rest of his life.
 Oh, there are bodies of ways to amuse the retired man. There are a number of men who take pleasure ill refurnishing a room and in many cases their taste surpasses the feminine There is a type of man who enjoys designing his wife's wardrobe and hats and since we have so many seasons and between seasons for milady's clothes there ought to be plenty of work for him to do. Certainly the retired man with so much time on his hands must find something to do and that some