The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-09-02
.eAkAoNG!E
Extra! Martiahs Observe Earth But Arc Greatly Puzzled

-'- " ( = uE <-kz<kekcEf1
 Extra! Martiahs Observe Earth But Arc
 Greatly Puzzled
 |DOwNTOwN, MARS, August 27-
 Through scientific observations and ra-
 dio communications with Earth, the we'll known and highly esteemed planet, other wise known as Jazzania, prominent Martians are confident they are in possession of highly important facts regarding it. Hardly a five bulb radio set throughout the length of Mars has been without signals from America, a desert portion of the Earth, the past few nights.
 The messages were almost without excep- tion musical, the words most commonly re- ceived being, You've Gotta Love Mamma" "What'll I Dol" T Love You" and Sweet Dadda." This is taken as proving that Amer ica at least is populated and that the race is highly sentimental.
 Igwhm Schwzeghj, president of the Martian Chamber of Commerce, was one of the many Martians reporting constant repitition of the mysterious message "Yes, we have no ba- nanas." That this came from America seems certain, but it is the more puzzling since care full investigation failed to reveal that Mars had expressed any curiosity on this point.
 That the earth is inhabited by human be- ings and Ford cars, and. that it has traffic problems, hay fever and obituary gland tes- timony, just as we have on Mars is the con- clusion of the best scientists.
 Through powerful telescopes the America region of Earth was clearly visible last even- ing What were first believed to be canals lad fo ho ofr afo Thar was great activity on them, considerable con- fusion and heavy clouds of monoxide gas, dust and smoke from burning brakes Mar tians believe Americans have motor propelled vehicles similar to ours.
 Whortle Whfmmgzw, the famous Martian automobile nagnate, expressed the opinion today that the inhabitants of Earth might have produced an automobile equal to the Jckwlj Super Twelve, popular-priced Mars automobile selling around $385. Tt is en- tirely possible the Earthians even use balloon tires" conceded Mir. Whfmmgzw
 Little is known of the people who inhabit Earth, but it is believed they are very pe- culiar looking. The adults range from to 6 feet in height, presumably, and have two legs and two arms. They walk upright, as a general tnlng. ADOVe tne torso or the human body is a neck of varying length and thick ness, and on the end of this is an egg shap ped bony formation called the head or conk This is believed to be very ludicrous It has hair of varying thickness on top. Past observations have credited the females with toving long hair and the males short, but ob servatlons during the past year show the con trary tf be true.
 Recent observations convince scientists that the male Earthians wear curious looking gar ments very baggy at the knees, but that tht females wear practically nothing. Their hab its are most peculiar. The males spend most of their time in knee trousers chasing small white ball over enormous patches of greer grass The women devote their lives to build ing little structures out of Chinese tiles. Thit is taken as proving that the inhabitants, re- gardless of sex, have no brain.
 That the inhabitants of Earth have a fam fly life is thought likely by scientists. Epicac the noted astronomer who has been deyotinl his life to observations of the United States during the past decade, says this family life consists of three divisions. They are thi Wife, the Husband and the Correspondent.
 The principal food of Earthians in the American section is believed to be the frank furter and roll in the summer. In the winter the inhabitants enjoy thick duck soup with Vienna bread.