davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
What | Know of Nah JOngg
BY o. o. M'lNTYRE.

1t has been my fortune or misfor-
tune to hang on TO the tail gate of
q popular diversion. | took up par
chest after everybody else was playing
Five Hundred, and / was just mas
terinG seven-up when bridge whist
was raging.
/ haven't q radio yet and II was
only several days ago that l was
first introduced to Nah .ong. So far
as / was concerned / didn't have a
Chinaman's chance. 1t was too in
tricate for one whose mentality SHES
at adding three rows of figures.
But unless you know Nah Jong
you won't be invited out TO tea, and
unless you are invited out TO tea you
have to buy your -own-so being
Scotch i decided to join few Of my
fellows in the game that has come
out Of China and taken America by
storm.
1 have made a few modest wagers
at roulette at Monte Carlo and dab
bled at rouge ct noir at Deauxville,
and they were bad enough: but Nah
Jong-Mahgawd! 1t is only for the
rich. / should have learned more
about it earlier.
They took everything from me but
the bridgework and they expected
me to laugh-ha, ha-at beginnv-' S
luck. ] didn't tell them. but before
] was introduced to Nah Jong I hadn't
opened the bill section of my wallet
for so long that when I did spider
bit me.
+ ] went home as free Of money as
a flea is Of white vests. And the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23

without explanations. She finally got
what she believed was a dependable
colored man and his wife. They ap-
peared to be anxious to work and she
saw all of her troubles disappearing.
The third morning, however, she
was aroused by q slight noise at the
rear door. She arose and looking out
saw the servants tip-toeing out. She
explanation. They looked rather
sheepish, but finally the man said !:
"Sorry, missus. we just can't stay.
Your husband is plumb crazy. Last
night after your company left I went
into the library to turn out the lights
and there he was down on his hands
and knees crawling about the floor.
/ asked him if he had lost something
and he said, yes, lost the East
Wind.'"
The Nah Jong influence Is every
where. A big Nah Jong store has
opened on Fifth Avenue. There are
Nah Jong tearooms and every big Of
flee building has its Nah Jong teach
err. Side streets have Nah Jong
schools. A musical comedy has a
Nah Jong scene, and every vaudeville
monologist springs a Nah Jong
wheeze. Book stores advertise Nah
Jong books. Magazines have Nah
Jong departments and peddlers are
selling Nah .Jong sets along the curbs.
One man in New York has named
his first born Nah Jong. And this
is the game / said was too intricate.
It's All the Rage.
People who used to spend their time
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
A Difficult Decision

MARY dear, do you wont to 20 to a
movie this evening?"- Charles asked
after dinner one evening shortly after
they were married.
"Do you dearie?" Mary asked.
"Well. l do if you do Charles par
ried. "Do your"
do if you do. What do you want
to do?"
"Well, want to 90 to the movies If
you do " Charles said. "Are you sure
that you want to go?"
"Yes, I'm sure, if that's what you
want to do" Mary said.
"But / want to do what you want
to do" Charles protested.
swell, l want. to go if you want
to-" Mary insisted. "Shall we go?"
Il think so, dear, if you are quite
sure that you want to-"
Why. of course am, darling, be-
cause it is what you want to do, y
Mary assured him.
,"No, only want to go because II is
what you want to do" Charles cor
rected her.
"oh, butt don't want to 60 unless
you do, Charles, dear"
"Well. then, we won't 20 IL you
don't want to-" Charles stated.
"All right" Mary agreed. "We'l
stay at home dearie. just as you
say"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
A Trip to the Southland
By RING LARDNER

To the editor. L fAR
This article d,als with q few IN
cidence in regards to my little trip
from Long Island to Asheville which
am informed my readers is in a
fever to hear about same.
Well in the LIST. place visited the
office of the Southern R. R. in N. Y.
city and told them where I wanted
to 60 and the man says would bet
ter buy All Year Ticket and 1 says
do you mean it takes all year to get
to Asheville. He laughed heartily and
exclaimed that All Year Ticket was
just q round trip ticket which you
get It cheaper and come back any
time You want to within the year.
80 he fixed me up with a A. Y.
ticket and left Great Neck at
10 :55 A. M, one morning which is
suppose to reach N. Y. city at IL :35
which would give me over hour and
q 1-2 in N. Y. city to have lunch
with a friend of mine before the
Asheville train left at 1 10 p. M.
+ But just as we left Flushing they
opened up the bridge to leave some
barges 60 through them and we laid
there q hour and a 10 while thew
tried to close the bridge again and
finely reached N, Y. at 1 :05 1-2 SO
as ! had to. run like dear to get
on the board of the train for Ashe-
Vile. 1t seems like the Long Island
r. r. have only been having trouble
with that bridge for 10 years so they
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23

only thing I can remember Is some
thing about pung, chow, East and
Dominating ! 'inds. 1t all sounded
like a recitation from q chop suey
menu.
Pocketbook the Answer.
Ny wife asked me: 1What are the
players chances?" ] showed her my
pocketbook. And what l know about
Nah Jong can be written on the white
space of a two-cent stamp, with space
for my income tax, if any.
They can take their old game FOR
all me. The idea of sitting down in
front Of a lot of ivory Chinese laun-
dry tickets and fooling away the en-
tire afternoon strikes me as foolish.
I'D rather rock myself silly on the
back porch.
We have. been sweating around for
several years 4 mt the Yellow Peril
Pish and a couple Of tushes You
can't sea: up a handful of people
to play Kelly Pool anymore. Z cry
body has fallen under the spell OF
the East Wind, West Wind, Red
Dragon Chinese curse.
While was playing one Of the
onlookers said: "You should have
picked up a Sparrow from the bottom
of the Seal" l gave him look and
said, ayes, and you should jump Off
the Eoolworth building holding q
roman candle and yell I'm comet!
That fixed him:
The game of Nah Jong is just like
the measles. You've got to break out
in a rash with them. There is q
Nah J6hg rash. by the way. You
might as well start today for sooner
: or later you are going to play tho
game. I've held out on all OF then
and golf is the only one l have beer
ably successfully to spurn.
Its Future Assured.
I've always been q great prog
nosticator. When the auto appeared
/ said il wouldn't last. And / boot
ed at the radio. When l first saw
the game of Nah Jong / said it wa'
too intricate. If you have any ideS
that you want to be a success, JUS
let me condemn it and its future il
assured.
1t looks as though people who pla!
Nah Jong are going to be able t
be just as insulting as they are il
bridge. Bridge has always seemed Il
me 10 be game where you got IN
suited for losing your own money
Nah Jong is more so.
While l was playing Nah Jong
asked one of my fellow players wha
] should do in a certain play.
He said: swell, well. lucid in
terval. So you know that you are il
sse game. Amt brains wonderful?
Now, / wonder what he meant?
And with all the insults they too
my money. / hope the Chinese laun
dries have a bad summer.
Somebody or other tells me Ma
Jong was started in the Chimes
army. Wrongl I know where it wa
started and know all the cells ar
padded.
A New York woman has suffere
peculiarly from the, Nah Jong craz'
She has always been able to kee
servants until punging and ehowin
swept like wildfire over the land.
But after that they would all ieay
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23

I took away the Appetite Of those who
| had to associate with him.
Instead of going ahead and Eat
| ing, he merely mpnkeyed with Chem
ical Compounds and used his Stomach
| as a Retort. He began to exhibit
the jerky Mannerisms of Parlor So
cialist, and it was whispered at the
Office that he was slightly Touched.
But he was not. He was simply max
| ing a consistent Effort to conform to
the ncw-fangled Science of Living.
| One day in walking his Brother
Thomas, who was travelling Auditor
for an Investment Company, Thomas
was fat and sassy, with q Patch Of
Red on each Cheek.
"Ah, Brother" said the Germ
Gladiator. II judge by your -nippy
Appearance that you have been sub
sisting on Gluten and lodging the
"SWhat In Thunder are Bacilli,"
asked, Brother Thomas.
Surely you. are aware that the
Universe lately has been overrun by
small Bugs, invisible to- the Naked
Eye" said the Learned Brother. "If
tone of the six-legged Fellows with a
plaid Husk starts a Hatchery some
where in your Preserves, then you
may consider yourself elected for
Spinal Meningitis, and 50 on. There
are now over 500 Varieties running at
large, seeking whom they may De-
YOUR. I have figured that it is i'm
possible for any Person to- escape
them for any Length of Time. Our
only Hope is to prepare for the Battle
by eating petrified Waters, drinking
Anti-Septic and keeping, private
Drug Store in the Closet. For three
Months ] have been in a hand-to-hand
struggle. / am still in the Ring, but
am getting wobbly. I, never can
tell what minute q Germ Is going to
sneak up behind and Soak me good.
1t keeps one pretty Busy. when one
has to have ones Eye peeled for 500
different kinds, knowing that the
whole Push has IL in for One
The Spirit Of Retaliation.
SThat is Strange" said Brother
Thomas. AZ have been all over the
Country putting up at bad Beaneries,
eating and drinking everything. I
wanted from Pie to Root Beer, drink.
ing 81 different samples Of Well
Water in Country Hotels, and raising
Cain generally; haye not carried
any DrugS WITH INC. Neiluer nave
sat up at Nights to throttle the
Animalculae when they came in
through the Transom to do me Dirt.
How does it happen that who have
taken no Precautions. am Strong as
an Ok and feeling Immense, while
you. who have been making such an
intelligent Warfare on the little Ras-
calls. look as il you were ripe for
a plain white Cot In the Ward for
Incurablesw
at seems, sid the Sufferer,
"that the pesky Things show a
Spirit of Retaliation. They get after
tile People who are trying to in
vestigate them"
MORAL-Never Arouse . sleeping
Germ.
Copyright, 1924. by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
A Ruined Career

Soon after he had been elected to
Congress the first time, Oscar w. I'm
derwood-now senator from Alabama
and candidate for the Democratic nom
ination for President--went to visit
his alma mater, the University of Vir-
ginia. He had been receiving so many
congratulations on the honor that had
come to him that he was anxious to-
hear what the dean of the university
law school would have to say.
But the law professor, John b.
Minor, was strangely silent on the
subject Of Underwoods rise to fame.
They talked about other professors,
old times, things they liked to eat,
evolution, matrimony-everything, in
fact, except Oscar Underwoods cleo
ton to Congress.
Much distressed and crestfallen,
Underwood finally spoke out.
well, since / saw you last, the
people Of my district have picked mel
out to represent them in Congress. Y
$50 heard" was the professors
quiet response.
Eyes, I'm a real live congressman. "
Sim sorry" sighed the professor, " u
had great, hopes for you. I think you|
might have made a good lawyer"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23

The case being tried was one in
which the outcome largely depended
upon 4 matter Of airbrake efficiency
on q railroad train and the defendant
company's attorney had summoned
an array Of airbrake experts to testify
in its behalf and against the plaintiff
who had been unceremoniously bumped
off the right Of way by one Of its
trains.
The lawyer for the railroad COM
pany, with the aid of an airbrake ex-
pert, had compiled several hypo-
tketical auctions which were put to
the expert witnesses and answered in
a manner favorable to the company's
interest. The attorney for the plain.
tiff had not consulted any experts and
depended on his wits and Q clustering
personality to get by.
An expert witness called By the
railroad company took the stand. He
was Of unmistakable Teutonic origin
and although he knew airbrakes from
alpha to omega he did not present an
imposing figure as he took the chair
of the witness. A hypothetical ques.
ton was put by the railroad attorney
and he answered it. Then came cross
examination. The defense lawyer had
concocted long question which took
in many, many examples OF what
might have been or could have been
and fired it at the witness.
Excuse me, sir. But don't un-
derstand what you mean. VIII you
please repeat the question:"
The question was repeated with
some extra large words added. Again
the witness said:
I'm sorry, sir, but / can't seem to
understand"
,Blusteringly, the defense attorney
arose, and walking over to the wit
ness stand, shook a threatening finger
under the mans nose and said:
"You don't seem to know q damn
thing about the English language
Then he took his seat and smile
went around the courtroom at the ex.
pense of the witness. When it had
subsidized, the witness came back:
aJudge, If didn't know any more
about the English language than you
do about airbrakes, / could starve to
death in restaurant trying to order
breau.n
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23

duct Of Germs that he happens to be
Chaperoning. will get ready, sooner
or later, to do what is known as the
Appendicitis Act. Every time this
Man had Stitch In the Side, he went
and Shaved himself and brushed his
Hair and got ready to- make a neat,
respectable Appearance on the Oper-
ating Table. Then the Doctor would
come and 60 over him with a silver
plated Tack Hammer and try to To-
cate the imaginary Jumps. 1t would
require an awful argument to con-
vince the Man that he was All
Right. .
Fat and Sassy Thomas.
As might have been expected, he
began to get daffy on the Subject of
Nutritive Qualities in Food. This
was another wild Tack, for which the
Scientific Works and the Health
Hints in the Paper were responsible.
At the Table he would poke sus-
piciously at the Dishes and want 10
know if they contained Vitamines. 1t
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23

discussing the intricacies of the In
come tax or the wisdom of taking a
partner out of an original two bid
double now devote their time to a
discussion of Nah Jong.
One of the best paid feature writers
on an afternoon newspaper is a man
who runs Nah Jong questions and
answers department. He gets more
mail than the radio editor.
If you don't know about Nah Jong
you become just as popular as a rich
uncle who has left you out Of his
will.
America Is worshipping images
made of ivory and idols made Of bone.
They tell me that out in the smaller
com unities the boys who used to
pitch horseshoes are now playing the
new game. Chess has become a back
number and one proprietor Of toy
store says he has not sold single
checker board since Nah Jong came
in.
California was first to take up Nah
Jong. That was natural, as it land
ed there first from the Orient. When
it got as far as Denver, New York
laughed loud and long. Anything that
comes out of the West is crude tc
the New York mind. Now look what
has happened.
Hotel keepers say Nah long leads
in all games played by patrons. Two
New York bridge clubs have gone oui
of business. The members deserted
the bridge tables for the new game.
And all this is the handiwork Of
the heather Chinese. Well, well
One thing is certain-the next thins
that comes along I'm going to be fol
it. That is the way to nip it in the
bud.
| Copyrighted, 1924. By the McNaugt
Syndicate, Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
He Began to Wear Hassazd, Persecutod Loola
BY GEORGE ABE.

apprehensive that he could not sleep
of Nights. So he began to read up
on Nervousness and learned that he
would have to let up on Tea and Cot
fee and Cigars and Pastry and nearly
everything else that he really liked.
He put himself on a Diet of Ashes
tos Breakfast Biscuit. and some other
kind of Health Fodder which re-
sembled the Excelsior Packing that
comes around Lamp Chimneys. When
he was thirsty he had a little Ster-
ilized Milk or nice refreshing Cup
Of would-be imitation Coffee, made
out of parched Barley.
He began to take his Temperature
and keep cases on the Blood Pres
sure. When he discovered that a
minute form of Tadpole was play
ing hide-and-seek among the Cor
puscles, he gave low moan and or
dered a fresh lot of Insect Powder.
Now it is well established that He
who begins to scrutinize his Interior
Economy and Brood over the con-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
Kiwanis Boys Get Wish.

Is just temporary ana Will IeCIiIy
itself If you give it time.
Kiwanis Boys Get Wish.
Well they was gal about So years
of age setting acrost the isle from
me in the Pullman and she kept ok
ing in my direction but my folks had
warned me VS.. these here train flirta-
tations so I did not encourage her
but devoted the afternoon to silent
prayer and looking out the window at
the scenic wonders of the states
which lays between N. Y. city and
what some wag has aptly nicknamed
the nations capital.
Along about z p. NJ we stopped in
Washington for oil and then con-
tinued southwards arriving early in
the A. NJ. at Salisbury, N. @. which
is where the Asheville branSh leaves
che main line. North Carolina is
great tobacco raising country and
many OF the towns is named after
cigarettes. A little while later we
passed through Nebo and Asheville
itself is said to Of derived its soubri-
quet from a inveterate smoker.
As 1 sat down to breakfast the
chairman of the dining car give me
free of charge copy of the Char
lotte Observer which it says they
would give Bibles to new subscribers
and II struck me that in all the time
/ been in N. Y. / never heard of a
N. Y. pa. err trying to get new sub
scribers by offering them Bibles. May
be they are afraid their presses could
not cope with the increased circula-
ton.
After A while we come to a town
called Newton and they was sign
on the fence which says "Kiwanis
Club of Newton wants Station in
Keeping with the Town" so I kind
Of looked over the station and the
town both aid 1t seemed to me like
the Kiwanis boys had got their wish.
Hears Unusual Story.
By this time We had began to
climb straight up, into the Blue
Ridges and the scenery was getting
so good that / wanted to devote all
my tension to same but the little gal
acrost the isle finely could not con-
tain herself no longer so she pointed
to a umbrella which the porter had
placed in my section by mistake and
she asst me was that my umbrella.
She knowed ~ well IL was not
my umbrella because it was her
umbrella and besides which. I do not
look like the kind that goes around
the country totting a umbrella. But
any way I says no is IL yours and
she says / think may be it is so, /
give it to her and BY way of thanks
she told me very interesting in
cidence in connections with Its
career.
1t seems like one winter she was
down in Florida and she was going
to take the boat from Jacksonville
back to n. Y. and she was riding on
n street car to the WORT in Jackson
vile and when she got off of the
street car she forgot her umbrella.
Well she did not miss it till she got
on the boat and she felt kind of bad
as II was high class umbrella and
on more than one OCCASION had saved
her from drowning ha ha ha.
Well the boat stopped at Charles
ton and her and several other pas
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
Idle Thoughts
ON NECKTIES.

A lot OF men think they are only
half-dressed IL they have no necktie
on while some hard-boiled guys hold
the opinion that ties are an indica-
ton Of effeminacy.
There are three kinds Of neckties
bows, four-in-hand and red ones.
Some men, mostly actors and members
of the intelligentsia, say there is a
fourth and wear 'em. They are called
Windsors in the trade and other
names outside.
Four-in-hands are more popular
than the bows about four to one be-
cause few men can tie bow properly
and their wives won't let them wear
one that is made tied.
A twenty-one a man n very par
ticular about his ties and has a
wardrobe" Of a couple Of dozen or
more. At AZ he wears them only as
concession to the conventions and
sticks to one until It becomes frayed
at the edges.
There are exceptions to that rule.
One San Antonio professional imam,
about As, never wears the same
necktie twice, and four-in-hand or
bow, it always is tied with . care
which shows. that he must spend at
last twenty minutes on 1t each morn
ing. Place those figures end to end
for 80 years and see what you get.
He makes trip to New York every
couple of months and brings back a
suitcase full every time. The rooms
in the homes of many Of his friends
are paved with silk rugs made from
the castof ties he wears.
Statesmen say that up to S5 years
of age customers are partial to any
colored tie Just so there is some red
in it. From 80 to As they run to
blues and darker tones. After that
they want black ones only unless they
are of that limited CD class whose
members believe they don't look as
old as they are.
On st. Patrick's Day green neck
ties are worn by a few Irishmen and
many men of other nationalities.
These green ties are put away from
year to year just like New Year reso-
lutions.
Clergymen Of some faiths and army
men don't have to wear neckties and
are correspondingly unpopular with
the haberdashers.
Men are more fortunate than wo-
men in the matter of neckwear for
| the styles for males seldom change
while those for women go from bad to
worse and back again several times q
year.
But shucks, neckties are not worth
even idle thoughts. Just to prove IL
wen bet two TO one you can't tell the
color of the tie your boss wore yes
terday and even money you don't
know whether it was q bow or four
] INLAND.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
He Was Safe.

"Nowhere does divorce strike homo
80 forcibly as it does in the schools.
remarked q member of the board Of
education. "The parents blithely 81
their respective ways, and maybe tnkd
unto themselves new mates, but thd
Riddles are not so fortunate. Littl@
Billie is good example. He is only
z and quite a problem to his teachi
ers. Recently the regular teacher waa
absent and substitute, who did moi
know the home conditions, was in tho
room. She caught Billy in mischief
and called him to account. Billy
what will you do If / call up yout
mother and tell her what you'v{
doneT You can't retorted Billy
Ny first mama's gone on her honeyI
moon with my new papa, and my old
papa has gone on his honeymoon wit
my new mama"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
Pays to Advertise

Mr.. William Wrisley Jr.. the chew
ing gum king of Chicago, in explain
ing the rapid growth of his company
said it was all due to advertising.
"But,& interrupted one of bill
friends, travelling with him to th|
Pacific Coast, "you have alread|
built I'D a remarkable business. VIII
not save some OF this advertising mon
ey and run along on momentum fo|
a while?,
"well,r Mr.. wrigley said ~wI
have had a fine. fast trip west froI|
Chicago so far. How much progress
do You think we would make II the|
took of the engines"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1924-03-23
Symptoms.

When you begin reading the letter
over twice or thrice or more
And studying even the envelope and
postmark-
And gazing long at the opening
and closing in search Of some deeply
hidden meaning
And admiring the handwriting and
the stationery
And smiling a dreamy smile as you
read
You're gone. my boy, you're gone