davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1924-07-30
Ups ndDowns.

Said Mr.. Ups TO Mr.. Downs,
You've lived in 81 towns; you al
ways were inclined to roam, while
wiser people stayed at home. To
keep on moving was your plan. to
far Beersheba, then to Dan; no use
ful job could hold you long though
you were capable and strong: the
lure OF villages remote still sum-
moned you, and got your goat. Now
both OF us are growing old, the sill
yer hairs displacc the gold we lack
the pep we used to have, and we
must rub our joints with salve. But
I nave kopecks placed in brine; |
need not murmur or repine; in SUM-
nler heat or Winter blast | do not
need to stand aghast. But you
are busted. Mr.. Downs: you have
no store OF minted crowns: your
plan OF life | don't indorse; you
surely suffer keen remorse." Said
Mr.. Downs TO Mr.. Ups. You surely
hand me bitter cups. Had | been
blessed with prudent dome. should
have stayed right here at home. inn
proving ali the precious time, and
saving now and then dime But
I have journeyed east and west. at
CATER Wanderlu','s behest. and old
age finds me, as YOU say. without a
ruble put away But | have memo
ries, my friend. that are solace
without end I've seen the Pano-
:ama. Life: I've had my share in
noble strife: I've played hand i'll
thrilling games, I've known great
mcn and splendid danes. while you
collected cobwebs here. III sad old
Punktown-by-the Weir. Though on
poor fare the roamer sups, he may
be happy. Mr.. Ups
(Copyright1 WALT MASON.
Evening star., 1924-07-30

vehicle to stop. The swinging bob
operates an indicator which registers
on calibrated dial the degree of
stopping power the brakes have. The
brakes are applied at white line
drawn on the pavement and the car
must stop within u limited distance
in order to meet the brake tests
The obSery tions being made by
engineers Of the bureau on brakes
continue the policy of the bureau of
helping the non technical driver of
an automobile to keep his car in good
shape at all times. other baake
tests have been held over the last
three years, and during the Spring
and last Fan free tests and adjust
ments of automobile headlights were
held at the bureau in a special labor
atory equipped to take care of such
work.
Evening star., 1924-07-30
TODAY'S ADJUSTMENTS.

BELASCO-"Smilin' Through" a
$3.50 pm. Matinee, 2:30.
POLrS-"The Chocolate Soldier" a
$40 pm.
kEITH'S-Martha Hedman Maj
HaIperin, vaudeville. at 2:15 and S:l'
pm,
T1VOLI--"rivoli Fayorite's Week,
picture feature. continuance per
formance from 2 to IL pm.
RIALTO-'Babbitt at 1870, l 80
3:30. 5:30, 1880 and $3.50 pm.
METROPOLITAN Sale a
11:40, 1886. 3:35. 1880 and $50 pm.
COLUMBIA-"Brea at 11:20, ! 80
3:35. 5:35, 7:30 and $40 pm.
PALACE-"Revelat tion," at II 90
100, $40, $40, 7:10 and 9:20 pm.
AMBASSADOR-"H to Educat,
IL Wife, at $50, 500 and $40 pm.
CENTRAL.-"The Record continuous
performance from 11:30 am. to S:3(
u. m,
Evening star., 1924-07-30

A woman is eligible to become an
officer or captain of the British
mercantile marine.
Evening star., 1924-07-30
FREE BRAKE TESTS
TOBE MADE TODAY
Bureau of Standards to Use
New Device in Giving
Service to Autoists.

Aided by remarkable mechanical
device, the invention Of one of the
automotive engineers at the bureau
a dozen automatiye experts of the
Bureau of Standards this afternoon
are conducting free tes., of automo-
bile brakes. with the double purpose
of recommending adjustments and OF
obtaining knowledge OF the condi-
tion OF the brakes OF automobiles
used in the District Of Columbia
The tests began at l o'clock today
and are open TO every automobilist
in the city Drivers wishing to have
their brakes tested free viii enter
the Monument grounds from the
Fifteenth street entrance and park
on the road north of the Monument
between Fifteenth and Sixteenth
streets. The actual tests will be con-
Quoted on tie circular roadway
around the immense shaft. and will
be under the direction of H. II. Allen
a mechanical engineer of the bureau
and staff Of assistants.
New Device Jsed.
The engineers observing the tests
viii be helped in their work by the
Washington man, which tells exactly
what takes place when the brakes are
applied to an automobile travelling at
d certain rate of speed.
The machine itself operates entirely
independently Of the automobile in
which il is placed. no connection of any
kind to the brakes or other me-
chanism being needed. The decelero-
meter is housed in a steel box about
the size and shape Of a lard pail.
Inside the box is a bob or weight
which swings against a spring when
the brakes are applied to bring the
Evening star., 1924-07-30
PAVES WAY FOR PRINCE.
Lord Southborough Arranges for
New London Visit.

NEW LONDON. Conn. July 30
Lord scarborough of Londcn. Eng
land. former civil lord of the Brit
ISL admiralty, who has been here for
several days arranging for the visit
of the Prince OF Wales in September,
left for New York City yesterday. Ac-
"ordin3 to present arrangements. New
London Will see little o. the royal
visitor. After attending the polo
ratthcs at Mcadowbrook, the prince
will be brought here on warship
4 special Canadian Pacific train will
be waiting on the pier and the royal
guest will step from the ship to his
special car. He will then be taken TO
Canada.
Evening star., 1924-07-30
"BACK TALK" Permitted.
Lawn Fete Manager Says Police
Will Be Mute.

Miltcn d. Smith president of the
Policeman's Association, says Georgia
avenue and Rock Creek Church road
Friday and Saturday nights will he
Il place where civilians may talk
back to traffic cops with impunity.
Say what you want to EN-; treat
'em as rough as you please, but be
sure you have money To spend" the
association president says.
The occasion will be a lawn fete
under the auspices of Congress Lodge
Chapter, 0. T.. S. Smith a patron of
the chapter, will have charge Of the
lemonade booth.
Evening star., 1924-07-30
MAY ASK NEW TREATY.

LONDON. July 30.-I-esjsIation to
amend the treaty between England
and Ireland is foreshadowed in the
newspapers. 1t is stated that the ju-
dicial committee of the privy council,
which was recently intrusted with
the task Of examining the position
created by listers refusal to appoint
representatfSe on the boundary
commission. has decided unanimously Y
that the only way to constitute the
commission is by new legislation in
the imperial parliame which would
bind both the northern and southern
governments of Ireland.
Evening star., 1924-07-30

24-inch Suit Cases, of durable
black and tan fiber. with cow
hide straps and strong brass
clasps and lock.-Third Floor.
Evening star., 1924-07-30

In the August primary in Missouri
the women Of that state Will partici-
pate for TIL. first time in the nomi-
nation o. candidmtes for goYernor
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
THE MEAT IN THE cocoNUT

It seems that Senators Walsh and Caraway have got at the meat in the coconut, with respect to the Teapot Dome inquiry when they demand that the committee recommend a resolu- tion cancelling the lease and restoring the title to the government. It per- haps would be well also for the com mittee to recommend that the prop erty control be transferred from the department of the interior back to the navy department to which congress first assigned it, and whence it was transferred without any very good reason yet being divulged for the transfer. Senator Walsh has also given it as his opinion that the attor- ney general, by reason of his close as- sociation with and friendship for MT. Fall, be relieved of the embarrass- ment attendant upon prosecution of the case, and that congress employ special counsel to act in his stead. Inasmuch as MT. Daugherty has pro ceeded with no greater alacrity in this matter than in many others of like nature, it seems perfectly appro- priate that Mr. Walsh's suggestion be approved. Short of MT. Daugherty's resignation, there seems no other feas- ible alternative.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
THE COMMUNIST PLOT

Senator Borah, with his customary resourcefulness, has succeeded in plac- ing the state department on the defen- sive by his resolution to extend rocog- milton to the soviet government of Russia. The state department has been for several days placing before the committee on foreign relations it's exhibits in connection with Commur- ist plots against our government di- rected from Petrograd and Moscow. Undoub edly the state department has good and substantial reasons for it's charges, and it is likely that the com mittee will return an adverse report on the resolution.
 Nevertheless, there is one aspect of the situation which cannot fail to strike the observer as very curious Why is it that the department of jus tice, which the state department says has furnished the evidence proving a Communist plot.nss fails to apprehend those engaged in seditious activities If these malefactors within our gates are actually seeking to undermine our
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
BIDDING AGAINST FORD

It is evident that the recent bid ders for Muscle Shoals are bidding against Ford rather than for the pro- ject. His bid has set the mark at which all the others are trying to shoot. Their difficulty lies in their fear lest they overshoot and concede more than they want to concede. Their purpose is not so much to make fertilizer themselves as to keep Ford from making fertilizer. To be sure, the power companies have only sec- ondary interest in fertilizer, having as chief desire the acquisition of the property as source of the commodity in which they deal and which they dis tribute. Nevertheless, fertilizer com panies and power companies have a common interest in keeping Ford out of it.
 It is intersting in this connection to note that many who were originally opposed to Ford or else non-committal have been aroused by the opposition to the Ford offer to a realization that some deep-seated, and perhaps sinis- ter, reason existed for the delay in government action on this important question. The ranks of supporters of the. Ford offer have accordingly ex- banded until today they are more nu- merous than ever before. Evidently the members of congress sense this public attitude, as their former stand for proper action attests.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
DALLYINc WITH FATE

< If there were no grade crossings, would never strike street lars. Doubtless there will be effort to SsIace the blame for yesterdays cross Ing accident on the railroady the street lsr company or the fog. But the fun Eiamental blame lies on the policy that IIermits grade crossings to continue to Exist in populous communities. Elim- nate the grade crossings and you Eliminate certain deaths to a given humber of people every year. It IS be- Hide the point to argue that there were Hao deaths from yesterdays accident. At was only by miracle that an al-
 nost empty inbound car rather than Es crowded outbound car was selected gpy fate for the mishap.
 I There has been some apathy on the bart of Birmingham citizens towards
 he grade crossings, and some peo- a,le have eyen gone so far as to argue < hat the railroads have no funds with
 which to construct viaducts. Aside
 rom the fact that the railroads are
 .ble to finance themselves in any nec-
 ,ssary emergency, the important con-
 ideration is the public safety, to say .othing of efficiency and economy in treets Transportation. Those who
 i'd compromise with the railroads "A. this matter in effect would agree to acrifice certain number of human iyeS of this community annually for
 he sake of saving little money to
 he railroads.
 The accident yesterday is but addi-
 ional notice served by fate upon this
 community that terrible accident, arrying with it horrible toll of hu-
 nan life, is inevitable-it may be to-
 norrow; it may be at some future
 late-s-but it is coming. Only one
 hing can avert it. That is prompt Elimination of grade crossings at the
 aore.s crowded functions. Will this
 ireats municipality continue to tenn
 ,orize and to daily with calamity?
 Dr will it demand immediate construc-
 ion sof viaducts and underpasses? f is fhe one thing or the other.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
v --------~--r-----
 | WAR-MATERIAL SURVEY

< The Birmingham districts indus rial simportance is again recognized fly the government in the appointment \ if district ordnance chief to super < ise the assembly of data as respects Eualify and variety of materials which I | be promptly supplied in the event
 war. Valued lessons were learned
 m the governments experiences in
 ambling for facts and materials
 ring the World War. As result If these lessons our national resource being systematized and complete EMrveys made so that the government hay know where, when, and in what tuantities all materials may be had l,hould sudden necessity arise.
 Al Birmingham will be headquarters Dor al large territory, including Ala samas Georgia, Florida, Mississippi md Louisiana, in this work A large Mrcentage of the materials needed for var preparedness would logically ome from the Birmingham district, secause of its favored position and sapacfty as respects raw materials and Manufacturing facilities. During the World War many of the largest in- lustrial enterprises of this district Fere engaged in the making of war materials, and the district was regard Id aseone of the most important in the p hountry for this service. Under the dan of the government to systematize he whole field of preparedness and aave at hand accurate information of , Svailable resources and their prompt
 mobilization for the national defense much time and labor will have been E aved, not to speak of large econo-
 nies and increased efficiency.
 It Is interesting to note the sympa-
 hetics cooperation which industrial X operators and other business men are lying in this undertaking. They real { xe that it is constructive movement sor the nations protection which
 means also their own protection There is no field Of governmental eff
 ort which needs productive business ,rinciples more than that of prepared aess for the national defense, because
 ipon .this rests the nations security
 nd tie safeguarding of it's industria
 interests at times when their existence
 nay be threatened.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
SELLING THE SHIPS
fNew. York Herald. }

There does not seem to be any good reason why the members of the shipping board should be placed under the necessity of apelogizing for the sales of the seven "Presi- dent" ships to the Dollar Line. It is the opponents of the sale who ought to be on the defensive.
 The attitude of Senator Fletcher of Florida, the chief critic of the sale, was to be expected. Senator Fletcher is in favor of government ownership and operation of the mer- chant fleet, and naturally does not want to see it diminished. But the policy of President Coolidge is the policysof the majority of the Amer ican people-to get the ships into private hands and cut the govern ments-that is,f the taxpayers losses.
 q do not charge that there was anything wrong in this sale," Sen ator Fletcher admitted. Tt was open and above board and probably was the best price that could have been obtained"
 My position" he continued. lis that we ought not to get out of op- erating ships if we have to do it at such a loss as this" In other words, we should refuse to acknowledge the tremendous deflation in ship values. If the government followed this pol icy it would hold it's ships in per petuity.
 The ships cost from 5000, 900 to $30,O00, ,000 to build and were sold for S3, ,350,000. This is the fact that distresses Senator Fletcher. But the government, as Commis- sioner Hummer has pointed out, was losing $2,O0O, 900 year in their op- eration. in the north Atlantic trade. Senator Fletcher's idea would mean that the government would be throwing good money after bad.
 The only question that can be le- ultimately asked, is whether the gov ernment received a fair market val ue for the ships under existing con- ditions. So far as any testimony so far adduced has shown,- it did. The total government merchant fleet cost $2,990, 100000 to build. The appraised value of the fleet on June 30 last, plus receipts from sales, was $41S,OO0,OOO. The shrinkage in value of the President" ships does not seem to be much out or line with this.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25

has an opportunity that is limited only by his perception of public needs. His educational experience bespeaks for him an intelligence and iberality of opinion that the state has long needed in the administration of its affairs. The fact that he is the peo- ple's choice shows that the people themselves have growing apprecia- tion of the states potentialities of progress and desire to commit that progress to man of capacity. Mis- sissippi has an undeveloped wealth that is many times greater than her developed wealth. Under the proper guidance she will enter upon period of gratifying realization of that in- heritancs.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
MrssIssIPPrs NEW EPOCH

Tn This inaugural address Governor Whitfield of Mississippi told his peo- ple that it would be his endeavor to
 lter the state policy towards indus rial development and to stimulate apital investment in productive and aanufacturing enterprises. Missis- ippi has been principally numbering, Iurpentining and farming state. Like Il strictly agricultural states it suf- CTS somewhat from the necessity of transporting it's products to distant
 aarkets, with the attendant expense md waste, because of the lack of big industrial cities to absorb large DOT ion of the food surplus of the state. gumbering and turpentining are de-
 lining as the timbered areas diminish
 cleariy something must be done.
 Governor Whitfield comes into of
 ice with the confidence and esteem f majority of Mississippians. He
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25

The trouble with the Teapot Dome deal, they left nobody sitting on the lid.
 A reader asks why we don't publish the weather reports. We'll, we do. But the truth is the weather has not been such that we could conscientious ly recommend it. %
 The weatherman has been getting too much publicity for an inferior product.
 However, we tell all about the weather on an inside page. But we do not give our opinion of it in the same column.
 Aside from the weather the climate is fine.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
WHAT IS A JOKE?
Ry Thomas l.. Mason

The answer to the question, When is joke not joke? is prob ably this: When you attempt to tell it to somebody you think has a sense of humor, as the best thing you ever heard. The truth is that there is no accounting for jokes. Recently I had occasion to make collection of one hundred of the best jokes of the year. had se- lected them with some care, having read a vast quantity and putting aside those I thought the best at the time, and reading them over afterwards inDcase l revised my opinion.
 After they were published num- Der of people came to me and crlti- cized my choice, saying that they thought some of the jokes. were good, but the most of them were not. Upon investigation, however, disi covered that each critic selected a different number of jokes in the one hundred that were the best. One evening I gave the collection to group of sixteen and seventeen year old boys, without saying any thing to them-merely putting the jokes where they would read them. Occasionally I heard loud laughter. Later on when they had finished, l came ill and said:
 Boys, did you read those jokes?"
 "We did," they chorused.
 Did you like them all?'
 "They were all pretty fair," vol unteered one boy, who. spoke for the others.
 "Was there anyone better than the rest?" s,
 "Sure!"
 To my amusement this is the joke they selected1and they were all sons of happily married people:
 Magistrate: Are you married? Prisoner No, got this black eye from friend 7" 5,
 Now, if those boys had been a little older, think they might have selected the one I liked best, which was taken from a college club pro gram:
 Harvard Man: "I've friend I'd like you girls to meet" Bryn Mawr Girl: How much he do?"
 Wellslesley Girl: "Who are his mas he?"
 vassar Girl: Who are his familyY' :.
 Holyoke Girl: What church does he belong to?'
 Smith Girl: "Where is he?'
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25
iCPErLIeHT3 MHa kl
 L\NATToNAL
 " CAPITAL H d

Albert B. Fall, former secretar! of the interior, who authorized th' lease of the Teapot Dome reserve and respecting whom there IS grea' wonder throughout the country to day, was once a member or the seh ate of the United States.
 When Woodrow. Wilson wal stricken. some of the more bitter Republicans recalled the existence of A statute declaring the presidenc, vacant whenever the president IS III capacitated to serve.
 Two of the more bitter were in structed to subject Woodrow Wilson to inspection. They were Senator Fall of New Mexico and Senator George H. Moses of New Hamp shire.
 Just what opinion Mir. Fall and Mir. Moses formed following theii inspection of the sick president i: not known. It is presumable, how ever, that they concluded that ht was incapacitated. But their nerve failed and they made no declara tion to the public.
 They knew, it is probable, that the people would not stand for | if that rank partisanship which characterized the procedure of cer tain Republican senators at that time would dare to go so far as tt move formally for the elimination of the executive against whom it haf already passed the pale of decency
 Mir. Wilson never publicly com mented on the action of Fall and Moses. Of course, however, he fell resentful. And now, with Fall il very bad odor, and with the country asking with every breath, Where did he get the money?" it is won dered if Mir. Wilson is indifferent
 There will be nothing forthcoming from MT. Wilson, however.
 The former president is tempted to talk of the various scandals whicf afflict the Republican administra tion, of the Mellon tax reduction plan, of the bonus, and many othel topics; but he will continue to re frain from even such an attempt t, interfere with congress as an inter view might represent.
 But he is reading all the news papers. He no doubt thinks man. scandals proper subjects for hi pen. He could very easily lodg telling criticism against the Mellol plan. He could satisfactorily ex plain his opposition to the bonus, i is expected.
 But he will say nothing.
 The wonder is whether he will re main silent during the forthcominl presidential campaign. It is antici pated, however, that he will feel q liberty to talk exclusively to Demo crats, and will yield whenever asked formally and directly to state hi' position relative to candidates ant problems.
 The former president is still in firm, and, of course, will continue to be.
 His health is good, however, and his mind peculiarly alert.
 And he is developing an embon point which is becoming, it is said
The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-01-25

government, even to the point of drill ing their associates with a view to eventual armed rebellion, why does the department of justice not drag them to jail, or why does the depart ment of labor not deport them, as it has the authority to do when the off, lenders are of foreign birth or citi- zenship? If the play in Washington is merely a political one, the proceed ings are in harmony with it; but if the facts are as stated, the proceedings appear foolish and futile.