The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1924-05-04
IrUin Cobb AT His Best
In Talk To Southerners

the live oak tree. We might have told
him, if he'd arrived two days earlier
that. dangling along with the Spanish
moss from the live oak tree, he might
also have seen couple of misguided
colored Republicans. But no .one among
the residents present was moved to break
the rhythmic currents of the stranger s
rhapsody. And after the second drink
he announced that all his people had
been strong Southern sympathizers and
that he. personally, always had believed
that the Abolitionist crowd went too far
and that there was a great deal to
be said in favor of Secession. And, fol-
lowing the third, he was heard to give
three rousing hiccoughs for Robert e.
Lee and the Benny Blue Flag which
Bore but a Single Star. And when he
took his fourth--and last--he rose to
his feet, assisted by two gentlemen
friends. and in ringing tones stated that
he would like to break a hundred dol
lar bill provided only he was sure he
could get all the change back in Con-
federate money.
But those were the old times. And
those times. alas. are gone forever. In
1923 an after-dinner speaker has his
work cut out for him. So. casting about
for an excuse for this informal dis
course of mine tonight / took counsel
with myself and others. Your Secre-
tary, Mr.. Cason, figured should have
regular topic. He though it made a
banquet more stylish. In fact, he went
so far as to suggest to me topic
which, curiously enough, reminds me
of another story:
A colored brother was fetched up in
a North Carolina court on a charge Of
mayhem. As exhibit A for the pros
ecution the mutilated victim Of his
wrath was presented before the jurors.
Of the victims face there remained only
a recent site. 1t was a place where
face once had been, but-was no longer.
So when the jury, very properly and
very promptly, had come in with a YER
dict. His Honor, pointed to the chief
complaining witness and addressing the
prisoner at the bar. said: This is the
most lamentable case of human brutal
ity have ever seen in long experience
on the criminal bench in this county.
Surely" the judge said. surely no liv-
ing creature. unless he was actuated
by malign influences, could deliberately
work such wreckage as you have worked
on the countenance of a defenseless
fellow-being. Demons from hell must
have actuated you. The devil. himself.
must have urged you on and on in what
you did"
The prisoner said "Well, judge. since
you speak about it. din't sure but what
you're right. 1t do seem to me now,
ez look back on it, that wen I was
cuttin' his nose loose frum his face wild
razor that de devil wuz right be-
hind me sayin': That's right, separate
him from his nose. And 'spects ii must
have been them demons you mentions
dat suggested to me stompin' out his
front teeth. But, jedge, bittin' off his
ear wuZ strictly my own idea :"
Now, assigning me a tonic was n
notion which originate with Mr.. Cason
but departing from it is my own idea.
am minded to offer this gathering of
translated southerners a message. For,
only this morning I returned from
months swing whcih took me through
most of the states lying below the
Mason and Dixon or, as some perhaps
would say. the Smith and Wessou line
And TO those of you who haven't been
waited home lately, either for a visit
or on requisition, bring words of
good cheer. 1t is my pleasure to re-
port that even in all this welter and
turmoil of postwar confusion and
transition. when old ethics are passing
away and old customs are being an
nuled. some of the tribal rites of the
land we love vet endure. True. the mint
bed has been plowed up and its site
planted with rosemary-that's- for re-
membrance! And in the Sunny Brook
distillery they are making sheep dip
and a compound guaranteed to put am
bition into lackadaisical hens. And the
old heroes who marched with Stone
wall Jackson and rode with Bedford
Forrest are growing pitably few in
number and pitably feebler of step.
There is ten story skyscraper where
an old negro woman in a black bonn
bazin basque used to fan the fire I'M
der the I've kettle with a turkey-wing.
And there's prosperous real-estate
addition. bristling with bungalows and
second mortgages, out on the flanks of
a certain hill where once 1 hunted Old
Miss Molly Hare with hound dog
that we called Grandfather's Clock, be-
cause he never missed a tick.
But even so, the ravages of ruthless
change haven't spoiled the SAVIOR of the
barbecued shoat nor undermined that