The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1924-07-08
PITCH PENNIES,
He SUGGESTS
To PICK MAN
Democrats Have Tried All
Other Methods. Jack Lalt
Points Out Humorously
BY JACK lat.
Copyright. 1874, ~ international
News aaryica.l


News Seryice.l
CONVENTION HALL. NEW
YORK, July Ss--Whereaa all the
candidates, logical and futile. have |
had d ride ana some C9 them |
have ridden the Democratic Jack. |
aaa until he q saddlA-aOre ana
shOeless; and,
Whereas there II q resolution on
the floor even at this moment from
Brother Jones, designed to bring
about solemn and prayerful cOnn. |
sci" on questions which cannot b
acted upon In open convention
and
whereas, Democracy assembled
yea, stuck t0gether--as up against
brick walls In every direction and n
GlOpping it, tired feet through
pitch and tar toward the ninetieth
ballot; and,
whereas. the delegates are begin.
ming 10 look like Waahington's |
army would have looked had Valley |
Forge been played In July and not |
unlike Coxey's gallant hordes with
the same objective, the White
House; and,
Whereas. the convention II out of |
tickets and lead pencils and sand.
wicheg and audience and alfbis and |
patience and laundry and dough:
and,
Walsh Out 81 Gum.
Whereas, Chairman Walsh Il out |
Of chewing gum: and,
Whereas. the scribes and phari. |
sees are out Of material to kid
about and out OF adjuectives that
may be used for synonyms Of
S~a - 80
Whereas nobody wants 70 read or
ing match except the answer to
one word: 'Who?' ana,
Whereas the issues have been
long since lost, the platform forgot.
ten weeks ago. the Vice Presidential
candidacy shuffled of entirely, and
Whereas New York IL tired 81
the convention and the convention
is tired Of New York; and whereas
the gin which was so prodigally
ladled out In the principal head.
quarters and the private assistant
headquarters in the various hooks
and crannies and hotel rooms; and
Whereas many Of the delegates
and more alternates have crossed
the Hudson and none Of the sur.
| wing candidates seems willing to
!! cross the Rubicon; and
Whereas the two-thirds rule Is the
only law that can Withstand unani.
nous disapproval thereof: and
Whereas McAd0o won't and Smith
mustn't ana Glass can't and Under.
wood dassen'E and Davis wouldn't
ana Ralston did but nobody believed
nlm ana Saulsbury's six have stood
steadfast through heat and high
water and Owens twenty have been
on again and off again a dozen times
and Robinson's dark horse ride ia
neck-and1neck with Owens added.
starter whereabouts: ana
Would Pitch Pennies.
Whereas somebody named Mere.
attn now has rs votes from some
Wnere and everybody except the Is
are asking who Is he?": and
Whereas Governor BRYAN stiI, has
II ana his own flesh-and. blood
brother can't even whisper to any
BODY on the main platform: and
Whereas there are only 4 Sev
more clergymen left in this unholy
locality and they are vacationirg In
Atlantic City: and
Whereas the band has taken to
playing Hawaiian tunes though the
Hawaiian delegation has only ely
votes, with Alaska still to be heard
from with 1.-THE shooting Of Dan Nc.
Adoo": and
Whereas the whole thing resolves
itself into the old problem of diva.
ing one apple among nineteen nun.
cry kids, the answer to which ts
and always has been 'applesauce
be 1t therefore
| Resolved that q committee ha an,
pointed to draw straws, or pitch
pennies IL there are any left aTnonE
the Democrats, or cut the cards, or
play donkey's tail for Il, hlind.
folded; and be It further
Resolved that It is the sense OF
this convention that a canAidafe
nominated in December has small
chance Of being inauguratsd in
November; and be it further
Resolved that MADISON Snuaro
Garden be restored to its regular
| and fitting summer function, q
swimming pool. and that this cou.
vention either agree or adjourn e.
France, where they have some
dandy furnished battleflelds to Isl
that are eating up taxes lust now.