The Birmingham age-herald., 1924-04-18
The Once Oper
The Dawes Report
By H. L PHILLIPS

Il I The Dawes Report The report of the Dawes commission hal been submitted The entire world is bitterly disappointed. There are 44,000 words in fl and not one of them is profane. General Dawes is evidently saving mp his cuss words for purposes of rebuttal. The commission finds Germany is able tc pay her war reparations if shen devote more time to raising money and less time to trying General Ludendorff for the Sum day newspapers.
 First of all, the Dawes report emphasizes Germany must get back to sound money. Confetti shredded shelf-paper and amunced laundry checks have lost all standing with bill collectors. ,fY Y If Germany is to get anywhere in particu- lar she must stabilize the money supply so man won't have to carry street car fare in a steamer trunk and back up a four horse truck every time he wants to negotiate for a five-cent cigar.
 The commission proposes the establish ment of gold bank with regulation dyes and one-man top printing presses This bank will start business with an issue of 100000 900 gold marks. A shovelful of this money will mean something other than that the man handling the shovel is wig-wagging for another beer. se
 This gold bank will be carefully super vised and safeguarded. There will be gen. eraI board of Allied, Neutral and Germany directors to watch the bank, the money and one another.
 Special precautions will be taken to see that the ex-kaiser doesn't get in as an as- sistant paying teller.
 Grover Cleveland Bergdol has announced his candidacy for the presidency of the bank On the ground he ia the only man in Ger many owning an automobile of the type bank president should drive.
 Under a commission control of railroads German train schedules are expected to i'm prove vastly as military cadets no longer will be entitled to a salute at each station and as the custom requiring all trains to cross to the other side of the street when passing mess sergeants will be scrapped.
 The Dawes report also requires that the German people start paying taxes as heavy as those paid by the American, British and French people. This will be very hard on the Germans. It will be practically treat ing them as if they had lost the war!
 Preparations will be spread over a period of years and paid on sliding scale. Sliding, not skidding.
 A foreign loan of soo,000, 900 gold marks will be necessary. This will be furnished by investors of the allied countries. In order k> EAsw kn chance to buy German Liberty Bonds till it hurts.
 With this outside help Germany is ex- pected to become normal by 1929. according to the experts. No guess is made as to when the investors may become normal.
 Germany is also required to raise an enor- nous sum herself If she has any trouble doing this the United States will loan her the Bobbed.Haif Bandit, ex.Senator Fall and Fuller & McGee.
 First reactions from Berlin, are that the report Ifs unacceptable" Certainly | Ger. war she didn't know she was playing for real money.
 Oermany dtblIuoe lS CndC Snc AlWAys nus been willing to forgive the allies for beating her and thinks they should be equally gra- cious. Her idea is that the allies ehould sit down with her, have a few pretzels and few glasses of Pilsener beer and call every thing square by singing the Stein Song,
 She forgets she killed the goosestep that laid the iron cross.
 War" as General Sherman tor Twas it General Dawes?l said. "Is Hell and Ma '"