davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

for me to do as she will 60 any
how. ! So / show my authority
by telling her she can go, which
she do, with loud Singer.
l get home homgry an nobody
ees there to maka da soppeS.
And so Dmaka da same and about
eight, nine o'clock, my Marioucke,
she come home an ] say:
"You ees been where so late
iika dees, plis?"
81 have been by da afternoon
club of ladys," she say. And
make seven dollar by same" =
"Ha! ] snort, very peev.
"Hcw you make that seven
dollar, plisf"
ooh, we palaya da game cali
whits-ver' fine game" she say
with clam.
"What you mean, whits 2" l
ask very dignity.
"Whits ees fine cards game all
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
Some People Believe That -

soon they get off Hollywood they be hit by
n custard pie. ~
Every guy in Wall Street with pinchback coat is a fnan-
Every actress in New York
People drank liners and
cigar is marked Havana" grown in Cuba
The only get of
Every motion picture actor lives in milfondolar villa
The newspapers always glad to up"
Secretary Hughes talking
Power ~ - -
beautiful society BRIDE
An artists restaurants without any
clothes ~ -
doing it. - - ~
No restaurant proprietor ever eats in his place
george M Conan spends all his his
Every married New with
80 N
Telephone girls and manicures
Nobody to Coney Island
wife made shirt he
Goored persons always gold eyeglasses
every bonerimmed
Margo Asquih doesn't know
$3.50
Every stenographer tries of Office
NO private secretary bought
every school teacher professor
ing - ~ ~ " '
Nobody anything wholly
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
By De Vaux Thompson.

ladys play same," she say.
"Whits-brig- whits. You got
eet kinks and queens and tricks
and ETC."
"Then you a gambolier ees,"
chirp with onholy joyous. "You
ees joost a low-down gambolier.
You ees poor loafer like you call
me da same"
ooh, no." she say. "Don' get
excite. There ees beega diff
ferents between you wit yorr
draw-poke and me wit my brig
whits. The differ ees that / win
seven dollar. You always make
da losing. You are a gambolier
an a bum an a loafter, etc.
Now, shake da leg an get me
some warm sopper."
Which, as say many times,
what can a poor guy do which
has got sOoch a wife like / got
eet?
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
AS Shakespeare
Would Have Writ
ten Them TODAY
IS A GE cannot wither, nor Gus
y fnxan akalo tia nnnnuin Irar,a

ga GE cannot wither, nor Gus
"A tom stale, the movie YAM.
pre-"
How sharper than a serpent's
tooth it is to pay IA a quart for
wood alcohol"
"He jests at scars whose wife
never used his razor"
"Brevity is the soul Of q bath
ing suit"
BE thou as chaste as ice and
as pure as snow you'll secretly
enjoy the modern sex play"
Alas. poor Yorick! l knew
him Horatio, when he was a pros.
porous bartender"
Imperial Caesar. dead and turned
to clay
Before he saw our women dress
the modern way"
Farewell the tranquil mind!
am going to take the subway dur
ing the rush hour"
Some are born great and
others inherit q mammoth pri.
vate stock!"
THE miserable have no other
medicine but one-haIf of one per
cent"
Some Cupid stings with matrI-
mony, and some with a breach of
promise suit"
1T is a wise father who lets no
one get hep"
II am never merry when I hear
monograph"
"A horse! A horse! Gasoline'a
gone up again."
One touch of nature makes
the movie censors label It Sin"
Let me have men about me
who tote TASKS"
1.-THE evil that men do lives
after them, but the good Is
claimed by some one else."
out, damned spot! ! drew for
a nine, not a tent"
Tell the truth and be eccen-
tric!"
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
You Can Never Tell

r TOW long the after-dinner
speaker will take to provo
to the guests that he has
Every little to say"
How often the next patron tips
the waiter with the dime you left
on the table for him.
How many divorce suits are
patched up with the remnants Of
love.
The time it will take to have q
couple of eggs boiled "just three
minutes"
How long the barber can err
dure the scalding hot towel
before dropping it on your
face.
How many phones are In the
city until you try to get the num-
Der called for.
Why they are called ''InteFpre-
tative dances'' until you try TO
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

trousers have wide braid the
style is always narrow, and when
they have narrow braid the style
is always wide.
l have been waiting for many
years for some genius to get up
sort of tableware that
domestics can not break even By
standing across the kitchen ami
throwing it in the sink, but, ap-
parently, there is a limit to
genius.
always try to help beggars
or others who are in trouble, but
when ! see man holding a tin
cup one day and riding in an
automobile the next, it makes ms
stop and think.
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
It's Hard Life.

Our busy little reformers are
just now polishing off their ham,
mers on that old friend-the
continued next week" movie
serial. They're all het up over
the alarming fact that at the
end of each episode, right up to
the>last one, the villain seems to
be getting the upper hand and
the lower berth.
This, sob the reformers, will
never do. Think of the poor
mistaken mortals who see all the
episodes except the last one.
They may go through life with
out discovering that the bastard.
ly rascal got what was coming to
him in the last five hundred feet
of film.
You really get the idea, week
by week. that villains have it
pretty soft. TO counterfeit this
influence we suggest that the viii
lain be killed off at the end of
each episode, thereby proving
that the way OF the transgressor
Is hard and virtue is its own re-
ward.
what could be more uplifting
than twelve episodes. as follows:
Episode I.-Villaip tossed over
a cliff.
Episode II.-Villain kissed by
raft esnake.
Episode III.-Villain laid out by
wood alcohol,
Episode IV.-Villafn stepped
upon by ostrich.
Episode William hit by tax
icab.
Episode VI.-Villain suffocated
in telephone booth.
Episode VH.-Villain crushed
in subway.
Episode VIII.-Vil!ain shriv-
eled up by a whitening look.
Episode TX. Villain buried
alive In Wall street.
Episode X.--Villain flattened
by steam roller.
Episode XI.-Villain dropped
In Niagara Falls.
Episode XII.-VilIain killed by
Kindness.
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
Dog Shows
Are In Bloom

THIS is the time of year
when dog shows break out
2, all over this country like
an epidemic Of measles.
Everybody enjoys these dog
shows except the dogs. Ladies
60 to see what other ladies are
wearing and to have their pict-
ures taken holding champion
Herzegovinian fish-hounds or
Norwegian safdine terriers.
Among the popular dogs at re-
cent shows are the Airedales.
Airedale is q very ragged looking
dog with whiskers. He has q
somewhat reflective face, like the
recent Sultan of Turkey, and in
his moments of repose might be
mistaken for a member of the
Lausanne Conference if he only
wore plug hat.
An Airedale is a splendid
watch dog. He lies on the floor
and watches the burglar come
into the house, watches him go
through all the closets and draw
ers and then watches him leave
by the window with bag over
his shoulder. +
A very prominent dog at shows
these days is the Russian wolf
hound. This bolshevik entry is
very expensive and extremely
even-tempered - mad all the
time. This dog is particularly
valuable to actresses who wish to
have their pictures taken.
In the old days st. Bernar1s
were featured at dog shows, but
that was before the high-rentaI
period. Smaller and thinner
dogs now have the call. Twelve
Russian wolf-hounds can stand in /
the space formerly occupied by.a
pair Of prize st. Bernards.
Other dogs exhibited by proud
ladies ara the Tasmanian wimpa.
Senegambian snickums. the West
phalian woofus, the Corinthian
eockroach, the Midlothian mouse
dog, which is carried in vanity
case; the Scandinavian herring
hound. the Silesian snapweezIc
and the Tibetan terrier, which Is
carried in the sleeve cuff of 3
far coat.
They have to keep inventing
new dogs every year to make the
shows interesting, and . thou-
sand-dollar Russian wolf-hound
may be a blue-ribbon feature this
year, and an alley bum q wear
from now.
Every dog, in other words. has
his day, but the cats still have
the nights.
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

trouble with his wife. there must
be lot Of gossip in Doom.
We don't know how long King
Tutankhamen's funeral lasted,
but his exhuming certainly has
broken all records.
The owner of an automobile
gets a lot of exercise, walking
from his parking place to his
Office
People sometimes ask what q
home would be like without
children, and the answer is:
Quiet.
Our idea Of a discouraging
career is that of news butcher on
a freight train.
The Soviet Government regu-
lates the public baths. If you go
to Russia Lenin will be mother
to you.
If men weren't the victims OF
habit none of them would ever
buy his second derby.
>
Harding's Cabinet members are
beginning to rattle and drop of
like the tenders on flivver.
The supply of international
hatred is so large nowadays that
half the world doesn't know why
the other half lives.
About the only exemption
which doesn't appear on your in.
come tax blank is list of the
number of people who are exempt
from work because they've got
Government jobs. /
X
Probably when the feminine
member OF the Ohio Supreme
Court wishes to reserve decision
she powders her nose.
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
Failures of an Optimist

+ HAVE often tried but have
never found a town that
lived up to its picture post
cards. .
/ love Yorkshire pudding, or I
have an idea l would love it, if
could ever find a hired girl
who knows how to make it so
that it can be disintegrated with
out blasting.
l have moved to every
neighborhood in the city seeking
quiet and repose and have finally
moved back to the first one and
will stay there.
l have tried for seventeen
years to keep in style with my
Tuxedo suits, but when my
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
How Times Have, Etc.

In the days when bright lights
along Broadway were used by the
patrons to guide their unsteady
steps, and when a swinging door
led somewhere, they. used to
speak OF the roaring Forties."
This was a figure of speech,
with quite a lot of truth in 1t.
Nowadays the roar has subsidized
to mild growl, and there are
times when you have to hold
your breath to hear it.
The only other time when It
is necessary to hold your breath
is when a suspicious cop leans
over your table in a cafe, 'ook-
ing for coalitions. On such oc-
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

casions you try to look as little
like a violation as possible. -.
All the sand is washed from the
lettuce leaves in the table
d'hote restaurants these days,
because customers, having no red
Ink wine to garnish the dinner
with, pay a little more attention
to gravel than they did in the
old times.
The scene Of most OF the cab
arets has been changed to deli
catessens, and you can now get
slice of boi' ed ham where you
once got a slice Of gayety.
: In other words, the emphasis
has changed from the stewed to
She boiled
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
Peppy-Grams

some one wants to know. Well,
first lets have an ordinance
keeping them cut OF the back
fence zone after midnight.
One thing which doesn't seem
to change much as the years roll
by is the odor Of boiled cabbage.
1t has been suggested that De
Wolf Hopper's former wives
might be termed grasshoppers.
Some women seem to think
they can elevate their minds by
building up their heels.
Chicago has a home for poets.
The letter carrier on that route
probably has permanent back
ache, delivering rejected manu-
scripts.
A talking del has been in
vented which ,'.ay be used to
teach children to read Many q
grown-up man can still learn a
thing or two from a talking
''doll!"
Even a goldfish has more pri-
vacy than a Siamese twin.
There's many a bootlegger
wearing patent leather pumps.
-
One trouble with buying un-
called for suits is that they al
ways look so entirely uncalled
for.
Sleeping sickness is frequently
contracted on park benches.
y
The man who burns his wife's
clothes to keep her from going
out won't succeed. She'll simply
announce that she's going to a
costume party and be on her way.
If the ex-kaiser has really had
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
From Here
and There
PASSING THE BUCK.

SGWHAT position did you hold
w in your last placer" asked
the merchant.
Il was a doer, sir"
"a doer? What's that?'
We'll. sir, you see, when my
employer wanted anything done
he would tell the cashier, the
cashier would tell the book
keeper. the bookkeeper would
tell the clerk and the clerk would
tell me-"
"And what would happen
them"
We'll, sir, as | hadn't anyone
to tell it to, I'd do it,"
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

WOS Tree WICK penn last.
/ go by da Garibaldi Club,
up-stares over .Giovanni's
shoe-shine an lern da game call
draw-poke. American draw-poke
ees YER fine game, but I think
she take more as one night to
lern TO play same, so / not win
mooch first night. To be frankish
about same, l lose two dollar.
I go by da home house an my
: wife, Mariouche, she turn over
cen da bed an she snort:
"Wop, you ees been WHARF, 40
late lika dees? Why you not
come by home-house when you
close opp da barb shop, what ?"
! 81 been by da club to which
= belong at da same," I say,
] quite opp-stage to her.
- "What do you do by said
cIub?" she suggest, ver' sharp
"0h," 1 say casualty, II playa
da game call draw-poke. Fine
American cards game wit aces
an, bob-tails an pat hands and
etc"
s"Hag she say. $50 you ees
,ala garnbelier. "How mooch you
sees win, an eef so, give Get to
me.n
- "Ha ha" I say, YER oncon-
Germ, II win noting. So you get
the same like win. Eet a good
joke on you ees." ss"
"How mooch you ees loose"
she growl, making move to get
hold of water pitch to throw
same.
"Oh, only about two dollair,"
I remark.
But, you got eet no right to
60 an loose SO much moneys,
which are YER scarce at present
writing"
"Well," I say. "a man cannot
win all da times. Eef every man
around da tables makes a win
ming every night, there soon ees
no game going, and ia club, she
bus opp, quick"
Well, decide shall win them
two dollar back an so I go By
that club seek, seven time, but l
loose every time an my wife
Mariouche, she get madden and
madden every day in every way
like Mr.. Cove, an she break
mos all da deesh in our kitch,
throwing same at me an she
abuse me YER mooch by calling
name
One afternoon she come by da
barb shop all dress opp(,and I
ask why she ees going. also
where. an she say she ees going
by Mrs. Luigi's house by after
.-noonisli tea drinking, which I
cannot see no harm cen same an
70. ] let her 90, which ees wise
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

You can get medical advice by
mail. but a pint prescription is
worth going after in person
One thing you can say for old
Noah; he never pulled the old
one about waiting for his ship to
come in.
The fashion editors say that
sheer hosiery is gaining new fol-
lowers every day-which is am
biguous, but true.
We are no longer interested in
how John d. earned his first dol
lar.
A man married to a charitable
woman never gets q chance to
wear out an old suit of clothes:
the Salvation Army gets It he
fore it gets shiny.
Yout can't pick bone with a
strict vegetarian.
Every time Henry Ford re-
duces the price of his car, he
makes it just that much more
humiliating to be bumped by one.
A woman will spend half of the
day at the telephone, telling a
friend how busy she is.
Ninety-nine per cent of the
people agitating for the return Of
the light wines and beer never
cared for light wines.
The history OF the bee runs
back to the Garden of Eden, so
many Eve was stung instead OF
serpentined.
Should cats be licensed"
The Washington times., 1923-03-04

interpret one.
Why a patron Is obliged to pay
a ''cover charge" when what it
covers remains a secret.
How many pieces a radio set
contains, until you've put one
together and counted the parts
left over.
How soon man standing on
his dignity will be forced to take
q back seat.
How often the collector will
make you get up from the easy
chair you bought on the INSTALL
ment plan to stall him on.
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
The CYnic.

ut says here that surgeons
have discovered that orange bios.
SONS may be used as an anaes-
thetic," said Mrs. Henpeck.x,
II always did believe hat I
was unco"scinus wren we we're
.r'"'' -,,>aok
The Washington times., 1923-03-04
Another Viewpoint.

Another Viewpoint.
~VOU'LL never make me be-
lieve that opals are unlucky;
why, was wearing them when I
became engaged to Claude"
eyes, but what about Claude,
dear""
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-03-17
TWO WIVES ASK DIVORCE.
EACH CITING ABUSES

Two suits for limited divorce,
alleging early post-nuptial disilIu.
sionment. were filed by Mrs. Theresa
G. McDevitt and Mrs. Minnie M.
Court. yesterday.
Mrs. McDevitt charged that her
husband, Francis J. McDevitt, be.
gan to abuse her two days after
their marriage In Rockville, Nd,
August 8, 1917. She asked protec.
ton. Justice Siddons ordered Mr..
McDevitt to post $500 bonds to stay
In Washington until the suit ID
tried.
Mrs. Wilson, In her suit, claimed
that Allen E. Wilson, her husband,
came home intoxicated q week after
their marriage, January IS, 1915.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-03-17
WILL
SEEK TRADE
LAWS
District Retailers Branch Of
National Association Is
Live Organization.

| National legislation affecting deal
ers In mems clothes throughout the
country In to be considered at an
early meeting of the new board Of
directors of the District Clothiers and
| Haberdashers' Association, President
Gerald .. Grosner announced today,
The Washington organization, q
branch of the National Association
| Of Retail Clothiers, handles practi.
cally all legislative work for the
entire body, being constantly III touch
with affairs at the National Capital.
The purpose Of the association Is
TO bring mutual benefit to the public
and the retail dealer by cutting down
costs Of manufacturing and distribu-
ton. During the past three years
considerable national and State legis-
lation has been effected, largely
through the efforts of the Washing
ton men, to fulfill this intention.
Want to Hold Friendship.
the result has been that a bond
OF confidence has come into being
between the public and the organized
clothiers.
1--WE want this friendship to last
always" said President Grosner
LUUdys 0UGu 6AAC1AL GAREGSS1UI1S VA
confidence between merchants and
| their public are rare, and our asso-
citation il proud that its achieve
ments In bringing down prices have
resulted in this reciprocal amity."
Grosner was elected president OF
| the association at a meeting early
this week, succeeding /. l.. GoldheiIn.
| During the year comprising Gold
helms term of administration, he
represented the clothiers before Con
gressional committees investigating
| the clothing industry Of the United
States. The inquiry brought out the
| statement that retail clothiers made
one.half Of l per cent net profit on
their goods during 1922.
Figures Checked Up.
1.-THE statements made by the
clothiere' representatives at the Con.
| gressional hearings" said Goldheim
were thoroughly checked up and
| found to be accurate in every detail
| The finding of the conferees did
much to cement the bond between
our members and the general public. /"
| &Goldheim pointed out that, while
| the District association is engaged
| largely in national enterprises. the
results Of it's work are felt by the
| washington buying public. in com.
mon with customers in all sections
of the country.
The election of officers has just
been held at the Raleigh Hotel, when
Fred Voiland, president of the ma
| tional association, told the Washing
ton men of women's influence in the
fashioning and selection Of mems
clothing.
Those to serve with President
Grosner are Samuel B. Loveless, first
vice president; Fred M. Pelzman, sec
ond vice president: Charles j. Column
bus. secretary, and Ralph Jones
| treasurer. Goldheim u named dele
gate to the national convention.
| The new directors are F. M. Low
Louis Hirsh. Joseph D. Kaufman
Sidney West. I. l.. Goldheim, Jerome
Meyer, Arthur Newman and ]. d
J Rosenthal. i
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-03-17
GEN. n. M. LORD WILL
ADDRESS PACE CLUB

Gen. II. M. Lord. Director of the
Budget, will be the principal speak.
err at the fifth annual banquet of
the Pace Club. of Washington, an
organization of students and grad
yates OF the Pace Institute of Ac-
countancy. which will be held April
Ia at the Raleigh.
Homer and Charles Pace also will
speak. The Rev. Thomas Worth.
ington Cooke, OF the Church Of the
Ascension, will deliver the invoca-
ton.
Those in charge of arrangements
are Jerome G. Kaufman, M, III.
Banks, X. s. Felmer. RI. M. Hoyt,
Fl. D. Percy. j. H.. Williams, j. c..
Bondurant, Capt. r. A. Frost, Miss
N. M. Stephenson, Fl. ID. Wingard,
Marjorie Chace, r. r. Greene, c.
NJ. Mears. and Miss q. G. Werner,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-03-17
More Rain And Cold
Weather Predicted
For CAPITAL

Rain and cold weather are In
prospect for the next few days.
Following q drop to nearly
freezing last night, after the
heavy rains Of yesterday, the
temperature Is expected to con-
tinue low today and tonight.
There win be more rain, with
steadily lowering temperature
tonight, q minimum Of just q
shade above freezing being ex-
pected.
Tomorrow viii be cloudy and
slightly warmer, with sOutherly
winds increasing in strength.
There is q strong likelihood of
more rain tomorrow afternoon.
Monday will be colder and the
prospect for the early days Of
next week is for changeable
weather.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-03-17
FAMOUS FABLES-(NO. 10Y
The fable Of advice we'll meant,
And yet 1t failed in this event.

Clyde Reynolds used to be re-
nowned, throughout the country
side; the citizens for miles around,
sought counsel from young Clyde.
He practiced law with great sue
cess. he seldom lost q case; he
caused opponents much distress,
they viewed him with iii grace.
tending to be nice, one day halted
advice. "My boy" he said. "you
argue well. and possess uncommon
sense, but here Is something I must
tell, your speech lacks eIOquence."
this most important need, for eIO-
guence was his desire: it was some
TASK indeed. He read thick VOL
umes ON this theme, i'm true heroic
style; he read the pages by the
ream, and progressed all the while.
that Clyde was to defend. "Ah,
ha, -. said Clyde, "thts is the place,
now TIL surprise my friend" And
so Clyde stated his defense, with
elOquence and power. his manner
made the jury Vince. he raved
thus neared an end, his voice was
low. and deep; he gazed upon a
faithful friend and saw him fast
asleep. And then he faced the
jurymen, but to his panied sur
prise. tsie shocking sight that he
saw then. was twenty -four closed
eyes. Today. we find the youthful
Clyde beref6 of eIOquence; again
this lad 10 hailed with pride, he
thriyes ON common sense.
MORAL.
Quite often friends give us advice,
That sounds both sound and sane,
But though this may sound very
nice,a
Let your own Judgment reign.
JOE III. HOLMAN.