davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
Trick Football PLAYS
By RING LARDNER

To the editor:
The 1923 football season is now I'M
der way and soon we will be reading
where Coach Goof of the X. and Y.
squad has decided that all practices
from now on will be secret practices
as he don't want to run the risk of
some spy seeing the men plays widen
he is perfecting a specially for the big
annual battle with NJ. and N.
The CRATES Of The practic, field is
generally always guarded SO carefully
that spies has about give up the idear
of trying to snoop in and lee what the
new plays is like and in fact the Sc
crets of secret practice is so well kept
that when the big battle itself has
came off and NJ. and n. has beat X.
and Y. by a score of 60 to 0, both
spies and gen. public is still in the
dark in regards to same.
1t even remains ma ionwide Sc
cret as to why Mr.. Goof was ever
picked out to coach football team.
Personly l been tending more or less
big football games for the past %
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

I In this connection / mish quote
| incidence in regards to the WashbasiEI
! wv. Va.) high school eleven which
coached in the fall of 1874. The onl
man on my team that was worth
whoop was a half back named GargN
and he could do anything on foo,I
ball field except card tricks.
| / knowed that we would be card|
fully watched by scouts from our bi
rivals SO early in the seaso-, l mad||
1 Gargle grow mustache.
! He was the star in the -arly game
and the scouts went home and toll
their coaches that the only man wort
a woop on the Washbasin team wa
q man that wore q mustache. 81
! the players on our rival teams wa
taught that whenever they seen o. ma 4
with a mustache they was to tfn
him.
| Well, during the week before oul
first big game, l had Gargle get hill
mustache shaved and the rest of thd
men on the team growed mustachesI
Our opponents tackled them as -fas]
they seen them irregardless of Wild
was carrying the ball and as q result
we was awarded over two miles tina
afternoon on penalties for holding.
Playing Twelve Men.
Here is another trick I have thought
up in off moments. Everybody ID
aware of the rule which prevents ond
team from having over eleven players
in the game at one time and is alst
aware that a 10Th. or extra player
would be big advantage to the sidd
that had him.
Well suppose 1 was coaching Har-
ward and we was playing vs.. Yale
Well / would send eleven of my men
onto the field in the kind of suits
Harvard wears but / would also
have a extra Harvard man on the field
dressed in a Yale uniform. Before
the officials noticed this extra man
he might do whole lot of DAMAGE
He might even stand right over in
Yale's backfield when Yale had the
ball and tackle the Yale backs befo:e
they could start.
When the officials finely did dis
cover that they was % men in the
game, the Harvard capt. could say,
"Well, look at his suit, he don't be-
long to u.s." and it would be Harvard
that would benefit by the penalty.
1 will wind up with a play that
can be used only m the home grounds.
During week when the gates is
closed for "secret practice" why in
stead of having the boys practice 1
would have them dig a tunnel from
| point near their own ghoul clear
down acrost the other sides ghoul
| line. ~ *
The entrance and exit to the tunnel
would be disguised to look just like
the rest of the turf. The home teams
quarter back would. direct his play l
so that Finely his backfield would e
standing right near the entree to1eia
tunnel. The ball would be passed And
| the man receiving it would sink under
ground and not come up, till he had
scored a touchdown
! The only way to stop this play
would be by means If a mole trap
which is against the rules.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

minister a blistering Oath TO the
Wanderer wso seeks the Privilege u
helping to pay the Rent.
TO u Man who does not cut very
many Lemons around his own House.
where they are on to him, it is a
great Satisfaction to get up IN 4
Lodge Hall and put on lot OF
Ceremonial Dog, and have the Mem
bers kneel in front of him and Salute
him as the Exalted Sir knight.
You take a Man who is plugging
along on Salary, and who has to
answer the Phone and wrap up Tea
all Day, and let him go out at Night
and be a High and Mighty Gozookuls,
and it helps him to feel that he
isn't such Nine-Spot after all.
Now this particular Joiner wanted
to be up on carpeted Dais every
blessed Evening, having the Brothers
march in front of him, and give hin
the High Office.
Wife Tries an Experiment.
His wife, being unacquainted with
the Secrets of the Lodge Room, was
unable to understand why he was so
fascinated with the Life. She was
exceedingly inquisitive and often
tried to Pump him by the most Art
| full Methods, but of course he did not
dare to tell, or his Right Arm would
have Withered and his Tongue would
have Cleaved to the Roof of his
Mouth, and he would have been an
Outcast on the Face of the Earth.
despised by all other Members Of
the Royal Tararum.
Now and then he Talked in his
| Sleep, and she cought Expressions
in regard to Branding him on the
Other Leg or putting him back into
the Coffin, and her Curiosity was
intensified.
One day she read in a Veracious
Newspaper that if the Left Hand OF
Tepid Water, then the Sleeper will
truthfully answer any Question that
may be asked. She resolved to try
it on her Husband. She was dying
to know what they said and did at
Lodge Meetings that would keep a
Man away from Home so many nights
in the Week.
That Night, after he had come
home from the Benevolent Order of
Bengal Tigers and passed into
Slumber, she crept out and took n
low Advantage of him. She slid his
Left Hand into bowl of Warm
Water without arousing him, and he
gave Up.
He told all the Passwords. the
Secret Notices. the Oaths. the Mean
ing of the Symbols and the I'm
written Worls. When he had
finished she had notion to ring for
a Night Cab and go Home to her
own Family, but her Better Judg-
ment prevailed.
She concluded that she would have
to continue to Live with him, no
matter what she thought of him.
She never dared to tell that she
knew, and he never suspected. Hus-
band never guessed why it was that
when he started out for an Evening
with the Skeletons and the Candi-
dates she stood back and smiled at
him, more in Pity than in Anger.
Moral: It's a Good Think they
don't know.
Copyright. 1928. by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
BY GEORGE ABE.

the Goat for Alienation of Affections
and she said that she could use on
Groceries some of the Coin that he
was devoting to Velvet Regalia and
emblematic Watch-Charms, but he
always tried to make it right with
her by explaining that he had In
surance in most Of these Whispering
Organizations, so that she and the
Children would come in for a Wad
Of Money.
The Wife thought it was too long
TO wait. He seemed to be in a
Fair Way to live another Century
and keep on paying Assessments.
There was no Use in Arguing with
him. When a Man gets to be a
confirmed Joiner he is not Happy
unless he can get into an unlighted
Room two or three Nights a Week,
and wallop the Neophyte with a
Stuffed Club. and walk him into a
Tub of Water, and otherwise I'm
nress him with the Solemnity of the
Ordeal.
The real Joiner loves to sit up on
an elevated Throne, wearing Bib
and holding a dinky Gavel. and adj
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

doesn't want the drinkers to die until
they reach their seats and thus clut-
ter IN all the aisles.
Times indeed have changed. Nova.
days about all the fun we have 60
ing TO a theatre is watching the
play. We begin 10 be thankful for
good old Beaunash and his high-lights
on what the morOns will wear next.
Read the Program Gags.
And we even thrill TO the Zones.
tons and Answers" in the prorrams
len years ago the average theatre
goer didn't give a hang for such in.
formation as this:
In what year did Kyrle Bellew
spring the bottom trOusers:r
A.-Ihe year of the big wind -
But now Just when the hero is bay-
ing his big Scene on the verandab
at Deauville. You find people turning
TO their programs to find ont What
wise-crack the Rogers Poet advertis.
ing genius IS perpetrating. II is al
most impossible TO keep the mind on
the play. '''1 ""
| tremble to think what will han
pen when Duse arrives in Vau,
lork, She is used to audiences that
SIT almost breathlesS as She unfnIds
her supersubtle skill and deatbless
pr0lundiiy. In the metropolis She is
hable TO reach the great dramatic
moment and hear some husband 20.
mark: by Gosh, Maggie. I forgot
10 iced Ethelbert the goldfish
Even the movies are getting bevopd
The reach Of the mob. II is anronr Yn,
by Fan New York is to have The So
movie. There must he terr;bs c
stump IN the glycerine marke.
W.. who was it thought IN that one
about the movies being the moor
mans theatre:" "e pooi
Why the man who doesn't ov., ,
claw hammer coat feels ns ort nv" 90
pace in a New York movie rs a sl;ce
Oh orange in m organeade Movies
are now a part Of the caviar ond
seat hides a silk hat S o'ne'
me more one studies the Rialto tbe
stronger is his conyiciion t%at t he
shooting gallery and horse shoe Mitch.
bang Odck WIN a
,c;Ahd Heaven speed the day,
Syndicate. Incl
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
Two on the Aisle!
BY O. O. M'INTYRE.

The private bells tipped off the
barkeeps and they had the foaming
beakers ready. Customers tossed
them off. grabbed a piece of cheese,
cracker and bit of salami from the
mountainous free lunch and went
back delicately scented with clover
and orange peel.
But in these less romantic days
they sink down to the Mushroom and
in darkened corners swig concentrated
poison.
The man who had a first row
orchestra seat returns and starts to
climb up in the top stage box. And
the quiet little fellow with the hem
pecked manner walks boldly down to
the orchestra leader. Slaps him on the
back and says: How are you Kid"
They may not be drunk when they
return from hidden siestas with the
old hip flask but they do stagger eY
tensively.
Even the fellow who stands in the
lobby and wells: Curtains up" yells
it five minutes before time. He
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
THE FABLE OF THE LODGE FIEND
yGEORED

A Woman who had done notb;n,
to Deserve it was the Wife Of :
Joiner He was the X. G. of or,
Benevolent Order and the Worsh;n'
full High Guy of something else. apd
the Senior Warden of the Sons NJ
Patoosh, and lot more that oh.
couldn't keep track of.
When he got on all of his Pins Ia
made Sousa look plain and undecor.
ated.
He believed that anything done in
Il secretive and mysterious Name,
thereby became Important. II mode
him happy to know that he was The
Custodian of Inside STUFF which
would never be divulged to ONE who
had not taken the Oath.
1t was happy Spot /, in the
Calendar Tor him and ios more
when a Brother passed on. Commit.
tees had TO be appointed and Resolu.
tons adopted and every one got n
Close Shave and everything was
pleasurable and agitated.
The Members of the Order would
assemble at the Hall and bedeck
themselves and then march to the
Residence of the Departed and then
parade to the Church and sit in Re.
served Seats and then ride inf free
Autos to the Cemetery and prolonp
the Agony by having the J. o. nj.
read their own Burial Service.
A real Joiner must have his
Funeral about once SO often. He
must be shown Corpse occasionally
or he becomes fretful.
Another Red-Letter Date was that
which signalized the Arrival of the
State Orgapizer, because then there
was Banquet with n Menu Card
and a hired Orchestra and a Toast
List and everything. The Commit.
tee in Charge always selected as
Speakers their Relatives or those
Friends to whom they wene under
Obligations. The result was that
these jolly Banquets were lust as
ENJOYABLE as any Autopsy you ever
attended.
The Signal Of Distress.
They were held at a so-called Cafe
accustomed to serve about eight
Customers Mt one time, and when
IL came to an attempt to supply Hot
Food to One Hundred. with lot of
Extra Help, the whole Establishment
sank and never came up. The Menu
looked all right on the Card. but it
was n cruel Travesty when it was
laid on the Table.
Our Hero never overlooked a Bet
when it came TO sitting at the Head
Table and arising at the proper time.
TO contribute few well-chosen
Words for about % Minutes. His
own Voice sounded to him like a
Caruso Record.
He had Photos Of himself in various
sands of fancy Harness and some of
these had been enlarged and tinted
and put into expensive Frames. While
he was away from the House all day
his wife had 10 remain at home and
Loo az these Pictures. 3--g.
With some men Secret Societies
are merely incidental TO n Busy
Career. but in the case Of Our Hero
they were his Daily Bread and
Breath TO his Nostrils. They were
his Excuse for remaining on Earth.
Night after Night he was off TO a
Hall up Dark Stairway to land
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

some Unfortunate into the Blu
Lodge or the Commandery or elst
over the Hot Sands.
He carried at least 20 Rituals II
his Head, and his Hands were al
twisIed out Of Shape, from giving 81
MANY different Grips.
In the Morning when he came out
of the House he usually found sOmt
one waiting on the doorstep TO givf
him the Sign of Distress and work
the fraternal Panhandle on him.
He subscribed for the Magazines
that were full of these sparkling
Chapter Reports, and after that, il
lie had not spent all his money going
to Ccnclaves and Grand Lodge Meet
ings, he pail Dues and Assessments
ami bought Uniforms.
He had one Suit in Particular
with Frogs and Cords and Gold
Braid strung around over the Front
of it, and then Helmet with about
a Fushel Of Red Feathers. When he
got into this Rig and strapped on
his Jeweled Sword he wouldn't have
traded places with John Pershing.
His Wife often threatened to sue
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
Buying Ancestors

1t is told that an impecunious
man saw portrait in London shop
window in which he was much inter-
ested. He went in and ascertained that
the price was IL rounds and ten shii,-
ings.
IN give you ten POUNDS" he said
to the shopkeeper, hit the price was
refused and there was no sale made.
Some time later the nobleman was
dining in the magnificent new London
house Of business man Of the type
called self-made. He noticed familiar
portrait on the wall.
"Ah,r said the host, observing his
guests interest in the painting. THAT
is the portrait of an ancestor of
mine."
Indeed :" said the peer. "Then we
must be related he continued with
perfect gravity. He was within fifty
shillings of being an ancestor Of
mine i"-Everybody's Magazine.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

Two men ate lunch together a few
days ago in the Manhattan cafe, one
man from the country and the other
an automobile salesman bent on sell
.ing him car. Lunch over. the two
departed for a demonstration ride and
the waiter who had served them
turned into the cashier a cigar box to
which was strapped a pistol and the
whole wrapped in a newspaper.
The cashier opened the package and
then placed it in the safe 10 await the
claim Of the owner.
Several hours later a pale, perspir-
ing son of the soil accompanied by a
d:sappointed-looking automobile sales
man rushed into the cafe and seeking
out one of the managers began to un-
fold 70 him tale Of carelessiness bay.
ing TO do with package left when
tiey had eaten lunor
IL lmow it's my own fault and NAV.
be somebody picked up that package
and left with it," said the farmer. aIf
tley did l know you're not to blame.
But if yol happened to find it YOU
sure can nike load off my mind"
He was assured that it had been
found and when he described its con.
tents it was returned TO him amid
profuse expressions Of gratitude. The
waiter who turned it in to the cashier
received a five dollar bill for his hon.
esty.
In the cigar box was S21GO in bills
of denominations ranging from 81 10
500 brought to the city TO purchase
the automobile and some supplies.
Traffic cops are such a nuisance !,
The signal light at Houston and
Broadway was red, but the motorist
was in a hurry. He rushed on nv
and paid no attention TO the whistle
of the policeman who followed on be-
hind as fast as he could walk with n
blast of his whistle resounding at
every step.
When the motorist reached Avenue
d, the signals had changed. The
green light gave him the right of way
but he wanted to go north. He
promptly made a left hand turn and
found another policeman standing in
his road.
Five minutes later an almost irate
traffic noliceman was standing hack
Of the signal light on Losoya street
telling an almost Disguised motorist
in a most convincing manner that he
was TO pass neither a red light nor a
policeman's whistle in the future.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

A Rialto wit observes that the
little theatre of the future will have
both seats on sale three weeks in
advance. This is. at least encourag-
ing. Then the theatregoer who has
parked his hat, stick. gum or what
haye-you will not have to unwind him
self as the curtain rises for the
pompous lady who has just broken
ground for her fourth chin.
The theatre-I am speaking of
New York-is on popular imagination
assumed 10 be an institution of amuse-
ment. The producers admit it. Now
they have told that one, III tell the
one about the two Chinese.
1t may be amusing TO pay IS for
50 show. Some people will laugh
at anything. In fact they tell of
men who have shot their wives just
for laugh.
Or again, it may be amusing to
stand in front of the ticket sellers
window and cool the old Airdales
while he applies the meticulous pol
ish TO his nails and springs a wise
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
l01nn
Sims
Says

Half the world doesn't know how
| the other half lives. which is what
worries it half the time.
Men who would raise cain il they
found a hair in the gravy enjoy
| dancing cheek to cheek.
Wonder If divorce ever resulted
| from man finding some other
mans hair on his rolling pin?
Doctors say we eat too fast. Most
of us do. We try to keep our food
down by boiling it.
A model husband is one who is as
nice TO his wife in private as he is
in public.
The apple crop is good and many
a farmer is loafing because his cider
is working for him.
These are stirring times. And you
must keep stirring if you expect to
have any time at all.
Your face may be your fortune,
but a burglars face is his misfor-
tune il it draws legal interest.
The only universal uplift move
ment is lifting up the eyebrows at
the uplift movements.
Political and talking machines diff
fer slightly. You must keep paying
on a political machine.
i
] IL is hard TO be cheerful at break
fast when your face looks as if it
has been slept in.
Woman of SO won beauty con-
| test at Turin, Italy. Now she won't
be worth darn around home.
Woman shot at while driving a
car in Chicago. SO perhaps she was
just learning to drive.
| Girl eloped with one-armed
chauffeur in New York. We fail to
see how she enjoyed such a ride.
Be very careful while inheriting a
fortune. A Paris ragpicker did it
and dropped dead.
Movie actor was hurt falling off a
horse. Perhaps he was initiating
the P.ince Of Wales.
Wire says gold has been found in
Alaska. but it may have been q tour
list With his mouth open.
Berlin reports the tourists nearly
i all gone They have Just about
finished the last one.
More bread is eaten than any
other one thing Chewing gum and
tobacco fall far below 1t.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30

one on the telephone girl as an en-.
core but / can't see it. I'm not quite
bright that way.
A Natural Enemy.
The theatre treasurer in Manhattan
regards every cash customer as q
potential enemy. He hates you on
sight. think he'd shoot you if ii
were not for mussing up the polished
lobby. After waiting the conventional
half hour in front of his cage you
feel like the old English lady who
jumped over the fence from the bull
yelling: "All right. keep your bloors
in butter cups" You want to yell.
Keep your blamed tickets"
The way they look at you in their
half sneering fashion you almost ex-
pect them to blurt out my Gosh.
but you've got big ears :" Leave their
presence and you can easily walk
under snake wearing a silk hat
Low is. no name for ones feelings.
often wonder what the New
York theatre treasurers do when they
are rot hating their public. l have
q sneaking suspicion they queer par
ties. All they have TO do is appear
at any gathering and merriment
plops. They are that sullcn and
grouchy.
IT used TO be in the davs OF "Hu-
man Hearts, and ashore Acres that
an usher was placed in a theatre TO
ush. His job now seems TO be left
TO place you in ID right, three and
four. when you belong in G left. six
and seven, and then snap at you if
rrn 4.
III you fail to arrive before the
curtain you get wrong seat and if
you arrive afterward you have to
stand back with the husbands who
arc looking around for their wives
before they take chance on sitting
down next 10 the blonde.
Even if you are not a victim of
any one of these things you will. like
ly be seated next to a relative of
the star who slaps his hands into a
pulp every time the star does any
thing cute or otherwise.
Box the Only Refuge.
About the only thing left TO do is
to occupy a box. Then, of course.
you can't see the play but you may
be able TO hear few good ones the
trap drummer is telling the bull
fiddler between acts.
1t has always-what is the word :?
y. yes-intrigued me TO figure out
why IL is a man who goes month
without even clearing his throat comes
TO theatre and let's go double bar
relied cough that shakes the theatre
frolu Droscenium to arches.
You hear him and feel an urge TO
take up collection 10 buy him a
pup tent and start him off TO Ariz.
ona. You wouldn't think he was 90
ing to last until he got home. You
can even sit through a Russian play
and feel sorrier for the coughing
customer than you do for the poor
sex starteling who is screeching her
woe while poisoning her idiot child.
And once the leading cougher gets
into high all the amateur and really
non. professionals begin TO get zeal.
GUS. Then they do a serenade that
Eoula make the Smith Brothers real
izf their business-like the moving
pictures-was just in its infancy.
hat famous aria--the Gagging Song
n "Bought and Paid For" I be.
\ lis a mere sneeze in compari-
~ Intermissions Lose Charm.
, r,ctween acts too that little inter
I, : Don has lost its pristine charm.
YOU remember how all the bovs
TO rush out into the briIlianfIv
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
What Do You Know About That?

YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE apartment
days ago and informed the nda they would make their decision
turn later And they did,
SOME OF THE GIRLS put artic0ly mighty
look at but one seen Houston the other day presented weird
tace when she smiled The lip
erstwhhe Paly-whtes were as red as communist flag
MAN FOR BEING drunk tried to prove the
he wasn't in the
effort scratched match lighted the cigarette and then painstansy
the cigarette out Of the window and placed the match his mouth
SEVERAL ASSERTED he
ss % $1ny r Sas asf F as @ had as
Dodses such like 'A' CLASSY ''' -
about 500 month ,a1ts e en-
Let of these that off
question: he % pDd state E P eR' t 1 asads a. 1si'
morning. n' sf1 s GG rEs"a @s'
wash a that considerable"
TEXAS MAY HAVE CHANGED but her n vsss
gunman" a compliment 0 two man.
ONE OF THE CITYs FLORISTS upon lot Of
when na s nOcsa Of eS Sea %
designed other and bore the legend
Il a TE Va: acUs s ys .ss It n
going o i all the rings
of named AHe e E at ss
tender in prohibition town had hoe but the negative
easily holding counfeiter
Germany.
-, POLITICIAN ASSERTS s the Of
Wiling
SAN ANTONIO BANKER surprised of his customers
The the
cashed by jewery firm
ONE OF THE QUEER SIGHTS the Loa street
similarly explained the big
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-30
! Intermissions Lose Charm.

vctween acts too that little inter
I, : lon has lost its pristine charm.
YOU remember how all the bows
70 rush out into the brilliantly
I little bars in Opera Place?