San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-01-21

liminary Course Of Reading, so they |
will understand everything they see, be- |
gin to stall and lay off after about |
four days. The more violent the early |
Attack, the more rapid the Recovery, |
after which you will be Immune.
Art-Any collection of Paintings |
with Gold Frames will serve as a sub |
stitute for a famous Gallery. When |
you discover that you cannot discrim-
mate between a Notable Canvas and
the kind once displayed in every
good Buffet in Atlantic City, you will
be shamed and discouraged, and begin
looking for an Exit.
No matter how many Miles Man
may travel, he will never get ahead OF
Himself.
Musems-The passion for Museums
will eyaporate ever so rapidly. If you
want to know what it feels like TO visit
a famous Museum, walk rapidly
through the Crockery Department Of
any large Retail Establishment and
you will get all of the Thrills.
Architecture-We come now TO the
noble Editices. Let us see if we can
find close at hand something Colossal
and Ornate which will cause us TO
throb. A man of ordinary Physique is
good for only about two large Throbs
in one day. Why not stand in front
of any gigantic American Railway Sta
ton and remove the Hat? Then have
some one remark that the Facade was
built by Spinkadeli in the Thirteenth
Century. Emit a sigh Of Admiration,
replace the Hat, and you will be. just as
well off as IL you were in Milano.
By this time you are soothing at my
Instructions. If you think, that the
Average Traveller retains anything valu-
able or lasting from his tumble OF hur-
ried Impressions, why not make Casual
Inquiry of some Highbrow Friend who
took the Mediterranean Trip last win
ter? Ask him about Rome-the rec
ognized headquarters for impressive
Antiquities He will tell you that he
paid 81 day for his Room and had
to walk down the Hallway to get
Bath.
PiciSing up Odd Little Things-Re-
garding the Shops. L am compelled to
confess that, by diligent search through
the smaller Establishments of Regent
Street and Rue de la Paix, one may
dig up almost any Article Of Merchan-
disc listed in our own Sunday Pa
pers.
Guides-If it is your first ride on the
Merry-go- Round, you will ask for a
Guide at each Hating Place. An un-
exaggerated Replica Of the Continental
| Guide may be found in any Community.
Hunt up a shabby Confidence Man
with an imperfect knowledge Of Eng
| lish. Follow him about in a shame
faced Manner and submit weakly to- his
brazen Dictates, and you will know
| Just how it feels to be nagged through
the Streets of Naples.
Collecting COins-This is important
Don't fail TO take jim a few pieces OF
Bad Money each day. Preserve as
| Souvenirs.
How to Go Astray-We come now to
the Gay Life. Let US assume that you
are in Paree, although any town in
which you are totally ignorant of the
Language or the local Devices Of the
Criminal Element will insure you the
same opportunities as a Producer.
If you will observe the following
Routine Remembering that you are to
use the Sign-Language at all tines,
you can garner the same unalloyed
Delights in Pittsburgh as if you were
in the mad whirl Of some place really
| Wicked.
First of ALL, spend several hours seat
ed at an Iron Table in the Open Air,
slipping a weak imitation Of Maple
Sirup. While decanting the sticky
compound into your surprised Interior,
smoke the ,lowest-priced Stogie obtain
able at o Grocery Store. You never
| can get into the real Atmosphere of
the Old Country if you carry good
| Cigars. at EF7
This Ceremonial Of sitting at the
| Iron Table and watching the crowds
move by is known as "Getting Into
the Cafe Life" and is about the most
tingling experience that awaits the i'm
questionable Pilgrim.
If You Expect to Drop Dead.
While you are seated at the Table,
arrange TO have several Human Rep
tiles in glistening Frock Coats come up
and furtively submit for your approval
the kind of Photographs that no Man
who expects to drop dead would care
to have on his Person.
After you have remained at the Iron
Table until you feel that you are real
ly getting into a close relationship with
the very Soul of the Native Population,
you must dine at a famous Restaurant.
You can get the same Environment here
at home as on the Other Side, because,
in either instance, you will be sur
rounded by loud-talking Yankees.
Furthermore, in order to exhibit easy
Familiarity with the Vintage mysteries,
you had better order something puck
cry and high-priced, with Cobwebs on
the outside. Slip in a remark about
the "Cuvee," and possibly no one will
suspect that for thirty years you have
been training on Well Water.
In the Evening you would go to the
Teatro. If you want TO know how 10
feels to sit through the Drama far from
home, 60 into any Show Shop, tip the
Usher, and sit in the back row wear
ing Ear-Muffs.
Do not bother with the Opera. All
the bigh-priced Thrushes will be warb-
ling in America.
As for Cabaret Stuff and sitting next
to the Hungarian. Noise-Makers until 2
A. NJ, do you fancy that any Country
on the Map can give US Pointers on
Disorderly Conduct?
HOmeward Bound-1f you will OBJ
serve the Daily Routine as roughly in
dictated, for several weeks, eating
Strange Food all of the time, you will
be over-joyed when you can go back into
your Closet and spread yourself out
on the Shelf for the Return Voy-
age.
At the end Of a Week have a sus-
picious Stranger over haul your Lug
IL II Sp,Y10lar Ha