The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-08

Dearest Sir:-
 Yestdy p. m. while l was in Hon. Kitchin of Mrs. and MT. c. W. Quack- mire, bathing dishes. who should ar rive in but Cousin Nogi who come see me more regular now that he are job less and get some Russian Relief off the bread box.
 Togo" he report for news, Arthur Kickahajama have just returned from Europe where he have been travel ing to sell new Ford car that can be folded into a bath tub. He are de- liciously disappointed in his trip be- cause Europeans have no bathrooms, thusly making 1t difficult to find a garage for this remarkabilious pat ent. He say he will visit some other continent next time he try to sell anything. Maybe 1t will be Africa.
 American ottos, firecrackers. washing machines, callyopes, dyes. prunes and other German patents cannot find good market in Europe. How alarmed this look! German mark are now so low it have to fly in an sirship to reach an angle worm. In deedly, what are Hon. World arriving at?"
 You answer that" I invite with Leviathan expression.
 America must restore balance of trade" he say so distinctually.
 q do not know what that mean" I narrate, but l know 1t will cost money"
 Balance of trade are cunning ar rangement of cash by which buyer & seller can both profiteer. Thusly, when a French Hoteller charge Amer lean tourist 10s for & 2s room and Hon. Tourist pay him with Confeder- ate bills that are called Balance of Trade. But such are not the case to- ri~fo what travel daily to battletields find grateful Belgium refusing to take their money unless they are sure it are not counterfit. Under thus cir cumstances can you blame Hon. France for seezing Roar Basin for the benefat of European peace?"
 T also would steal coal wherever I could find it," are brite report for me.
 Yes. indeedly. Europe are very diseased because her trade got SO un- balanced. Please imagine Germany. Professor Einstein, resident of that talented country. are now working with his curved brain to dishcover where the mark Is going and what he can do with 1t when found. He are working out some darnly high mathhmaticks like following mental arithmatick.
 "It Hans can save pfenni9 pr week from his wages as dog-catcher when can he afford to get married at present rate of exchangeT"
 could not think that answer 50 soon. so said something.
 Mrs. c. ". Quackmire," I renig. "got back from Germany few months of yore. In that suffering land she found conditions so pressed that she cannot get over being sorry. She found a place in Berlin. she tell, where Paris hats are sold for He. Her greef was such that she pur- chased 8. In Hamburg she dishcov- cred French muddle gowns marked IS each, for 2s. It broke her heart, so she ordered 12 Her husband got some German pants for 8 bushels of marks or Soc. Think how he suf- fered"
 He must" say Nogi. Nobody could wear German pants without pain"
 By changing 2s into marks & pay ing 4o extra for moving van to carry 1t in one can go shopping for palace. a sossage factory or a yacht. Rine wine, a horse. a shirt Society will be included. No extra charge"
 70 goshes" hella Nogi. "I wish I was in Germany now with 5s. Then could afford all the vulgarity l have always craved." But Stopp" snarrel. Before becoming a enemy alien please to look at the other side of the photo You have gone to Germany and got change for your 5s. Yes. You are now millionaire. You are richer than John D. Morgan, J. Pierpont Rockefeller and Rupert Hughes, all added up. You eat in goldly dining rooms filled with marble pillows and grand pictures of Gotterdamrune swearing at Parsifal. Any time, day & night, you can order champain coffee. chocolate or soda water at whtmm. Then what?" Nogi are disa bled to reply. Then come time whom you are board with luxury. Like all Japan