davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1923-07-29

In my acquaintance with people Of
both sexes it has been my observation
that not more than II of one per cent
Of them has any fondness for rats,
so It Is safe to say as gen. rule that IL
a guest can be made to believe that
the house where he is visiting is a
veritable hot bed Of cadaverous ro-
dents he wont let many days go by
without helping himself to the near
est exit.
Very few househoiders however Is
willing to invite real live rats into
there home in order to get rid of a
well nigh permanent guest, SO 1t
becomes necessary, in order to en-
ploy this method Of extinguishing
visitors. to resort to little fake
dialogue. Like for inst. the husband
can say to the wife. II seen Willie
again this morning." The wife says
.'Oh." and looks startled. The guest
will then generally say who Is Willie.
Then the husband says why Willie is
that big gray rat whose nephew killed
our police dog laN summer.
ny this time the guest is kind of
ID impressed and he says do you
mean to tell me that you have got
rats in this house that is big enough
to kill a police dog?
Not all Of them says the hus-
band, "and besides the most Of them
don't never pick on dogs. but they
usually pick on people from out of
town. Like for inst. we have got one
down the cellar who we call big
Bertha that don't never come upstairs
except at night and then she will
go to the guest rm. and IL they amt
nobody there she will scamper right
back to the basement and you would
never know she had been hunting"
But suppose there is somebody in
the guest rm.," the visitor is libel
to say.
oh" says the husband, even then
sometimes she don't do no more than
Just scamper acrost there chest and
back in a friendly way"
Maybe my admire in Ashevillc can
use some of these idears to advantage
but as I said at the start Of this
article 1 have never had to worry
about this phrase of social life as my
guests genally always gets homesick
the 2d. or 3D. day and this may be
because our guest rm. is located right
next to that part Of the costly lot
where my little kiddies is wont to
gather at y past of q morning and
nut in a hr. rehearsing there college
cheer.
RING W. LARDNER.
Great Neck, Long Island, July p.
Copyright. 1921
Evening star., 1923-07-29

enough is to cut down there allow
ance of napkins, towels and soap. A
couple wks. of the same napkin and
a utter lack Of soap and clean towels
in the guest rm. should ought to be
enough to have them looking for
Pullman reservations to wherever
they live at.
There is special brands of guests
that would half to be handled in spe
cial ways. like for inst. the brand that
don't like dogs. If this kind of a
guest also is particular in regards to
his personal appearance his case is
a cinch you might say All as you
half to do is buy $500 dog that has
got long hair and a loud bark and a
Evening star., 1923-07-29

with kissing smile while telling me
to get back with 5o0s and stop work
ing after that.
x y X
Mr.. EDITOR. did you ever try 10
ANl raze 500s in % minutes? 1t has
not been done. All widows & orphans
/ meet say they had already been
bucket-shopping and had not much
Ny Cousin Nogi loaned me 21s of
Confederate origin. And by sale of
pant & hat amassed IS for myself
Yet must hop rapidly back to Toyo &
Sage to get my wealth in before it
was taken out.
Clasping much bills SO that they
would not sneak away through hole
in my pocket I eloped speedily to Hon
Bucket Store and was just jumping
TO front door when I look see. o.
Something unhealthy,
2S Police Forces was walking out,
carrying away the entire bucket
which had been kicked. by goliy.
One enlarged Sergeant had Toyo un-
der one arm. Swindell under another
and Sage tucked in his belt Could
that be beaten? Inside Hon. Shop I
..
To one of these 1 upspoke with hash
voice.
Tell me. if convenient, are this not
a Free country?'
Il am afraid So" he report with
Chas. E. Hughes expression.
Then why must good man suffer
for attempt to help Hon. Poor while
so much wickedness goes around
closing morgadjes?"
Are you one of these Poor being
helped?" require Hon. Dist. Atty. with
lawyer voice.
Yes. surely are" I rampage. Il
have brought my cash here because it
are only place where il will swell up
and act just like Rockefeller.
Hi. Andy" Hon. Dist Atty pulled
his finger toward one enlarged officer
with badge. You had better take
this one, also"
That hui man approach up and lift
me with his rude hand 20 that I
could not help being arreste7.
20 shux," I holla. How dare do
this? / are innocent"
You are too innocent" Il. snare
Therefore. come with me-
Are you Police Commissioners? -
/ ask to know.
NO" he revamp. II are Insanity
Commissioners"
Hoping you are the same.
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
Britain by North American Newspaper All-
ance.1
Evening star., 1923-07-29
How to Get Rid of Permanent Guest
By Ring w. Lardner
TO the Editor: Am in receipt OF
letter from a man in Ashe-
willie who Is also in a guam

To the Editor: Am in receipt of
a letter from a man in Ashe-
willie who Is also in a guam
\ Diary as 1t seems like him and
his family likes to have people come
and visit them but there home is so
attractive that the visitors genally
always makes unendless visits and
stays anywhere from a mo. to II
VT. which is very seldom convenient
TO have them around the house that
long but still and all mine host and
hostess amt got the heart to come
right out and say don't you never
tend to go home. So this man wants
to know have 1 got any suggestions
as to how to make there guests see
reason without no hard feelings on
either side.
Well. 1t is quite a problem which
the Ashevillian is facing and prob
lem which it is hard for man like
to solve as we don't hardly ever have
visitors and when we do, they seem
to always get homesick along about
I'd or Sd day but any problem can be
solved If a man puts there mind on
it, so maybe 1 can offer a few idears
which will save my correspondent and
his guests a little embarrassment in
the future.
OF course, question like this de-
pends a good deal on the No. and
quality of the guests concerned but
1st. we will try and decide what to
do in the case of one guest who. will
say, is man of ordinary culture and
refinement. Well. suppose he has been
hanging round for about wks. till
everybody is sick i'll tired oS seeing
him, why one Of the first things /
would propose for a riddance would
be what we will call the food cure.
The main principles of this cure is
to find out what articles of food our
visitor can't hardly stand and then
give them to him times day and
nothing else. Further and more il
the man is confirmed coffee drinker
or must have glass of hot milk in
the morning. why ply him with coffee
which is coffee only in name or give
him tepid milk that is just turning
as the case may be- When a man has
been in your home 3 or 4 wks. they
ought not to be no question in re-
CARDS to his taste in food stuffs' and
he can genally always be ran out
by catering to them with reverse
English.
x X X x
DERSONLY if anybody wanted to
i get rid of me all as they would
half to do would be to make a fruit
mixture the piece de resistance at all
meals and flavor everything else with
q hunk of cheese.
Another way to handle these stick
ers if there feelings is delicate
Evening star., 1923-07-29

You should not tell them that"
narrate Hon. Togo. "or they may not
come back again"
Nno not interrup," dib Hon. Swim
~ dell. Opportunity come but
once per hour. This Lightning Bug
Illumination are our bargain for
Satdy pm"
What could I do with so much ?"
/ ask to know.
II tell YOU" Hon. Swindell clabber
on, this Lightning Bug Illumination
cannot lose because 1t do not cost
anything to manufacture. In the
State of y. J. alone there are suffi-
cient lightning bugs which. IL sepa-
rated from the mosquitoes, would
furnish free electric light to Chi
cago, Omaha, Salt Lick City & all
points West. Gen. Electrick Co. must
quit after our bug catching plants
are in full operation. Could anything
sound simpler than that"
Are you selling them by the bug?"
| require.
are now down to 23 II. will now
outline to you our muttule prophet
shearing plan. How much money
you got?'
We only think in terms of 10000
he dib. But great jokes from little
acorns grow"
Are this sock going up?" I re-
quesh.
Speedily. In . hours it will so up
| entirely. Now, l tell you what to
do. You have friends. Be generous
( with them. Permit them to cumbine
| with you in this ct. prophet shearins G
plan From who could you bora? p
From Cousin Nogi. perhapsly."
/ dictate. "Pussibly also from Arthur
| Kickahajama and Sydney Katsu, Jr.
| who is reckless when drunk"
"Goody." smiled Hon. Swindell
"And have you not few widows in
your block
Ct could think of or g." decom
pose.
Then seek for them. You remem-
ber what Hon. Bible say about
widows mite? 1t are always a good
thing And could you not find few
cripples. orphans s. invalids what
needs 20 be helped with their money:
We specialize on such. But hurry,
please. II persons remained slow
| and thoughtful we would not be
where we are today"
Where are you today:" are next
question for me.
But Hon. Toyo shuv me to door
Evening star., 1923-07-29
I'VE BOTH GLARED AT ONE ANOTHER, STILL GROWING"

myriad insects and the strident note
of the squirrel high above me. At
times I would give utterance to the
soft answering call, known to every
woodsman, that Is part of the free
masonry of animal speech.
1 rose at length and set myself to
the building Of my house. The method
that I intended to follow here was
merely that which Nature has long
since taught to the beaver. I had
but to select suitable growth OF
trees and gnaw them down with my
teeth, taking care so to gnaw them
that each should fall into the place
appointed for it In the building. The
another row of trees, properly stu
ated. is gnawed down to fall cross
wise as the roof.
I set myself briskly, to work and
in half an hour had already the sat
tsfaction of seeing my habitation
rising into shape. I was still gnaw-
ing with unabated energy when
was interrupted by low growing in
the underbrush. With animal eau
tion shrank behind tree, growing
in return. I could see something
moving in the bushes, evidently an
animal OF large size. From its snarl
I judged it to be a bear. I could
hear it moving nearer to me. 1t was
about to attack me.
A. savage joy thrilled through me
at the thought. while my union suit
bristfed with rage from head to foot
as / emitted growl after. growl of
defiance.
n kk
T>HE bushes parted. I caught a
i glimpse Of a long brown body
and a hairy head. Then the creature
reared up. breasting itself against
a log, full in front of me. Great
heavens! 1t was not a bear at all.
It was a man. 's.
He was dressed as.I was. in a
union suit, and his face and hands,
Hike mine, were stained a butternut
brown. His hair was long and matted
and two weeks stubble of beard was
on his face. - !, -
For a-minute we both giared at
Evening star., 1923-07-29
>>,>>TO NATURE AND BACK AGAIN<<<x
Stephen Leacocks Experiment in the Woods

in q few moments it broke into a
generous blaze. Half an hour later
1 was sitting beside a glowing fire of
twigs discussing with great gusto an
appetizing mess of boiled grass and
fungi cooked in hollow stone.
ate my fill. not pausing till I was
full, careless. as the natural man
ever is, of the morrow. Then.
stretched out upon the pine needles
at the foot OF a great tree, 1 lay in
drowsy contentment listening to the
song of the birds. the hum of the
Evening star., 1923-07-29

lure tossing mems hearts as at home
she tosses f1apjacks. For those flash
ing moments she is Cleopatra, Queen
Of Sheba, Madame .Pompadour. and
all the follies rolled into one. And
you'd give her an educational film in
stead!
And while you're looking for your
chance to be a Dead-Eye Dick, con-
slider the other chap. too. How about
that little wife Of yours. Brother Bill?
You take her goodness so for granted.
Didn't it ever occur to you that she
might like to rebel bit, and get
away from the monotony of her life
You are very sure that you are still
Evening star., 1923-07-29

unless, of course anything happens to
you. Then we'd be glad to give you
some space
Several Of my friends had at least
the decency to see me off on the train.
One. and one alone accompanied me
on the long night-ride to New England
in order that he might bring back my
clothes, my watch, and other possessions
from the point where I should enter the
woods, together with such. few messages
| of farewell as. !, might scribble at the
last moment. ~.
1t was early morning when we arrived
at the wayside station where we were
| to alight. From here We walked to the
edge Of the woods. Arrived at this
point we halted. ] took off my clothes
| with the exception of my union suit
Then taking a pot of brown stain from
+, , my valise. proceeded to dye my face
and hands and my union suit itself a
deep bItternut brown.
Whats that .for?" asked my friend.
For protection answered.
Don't you know that all animals
are protected by their peculiar mark
! ings that render them invisible
lneTc. J. dQueu, DIS i COHCtuQeo IHy
task, IT am now invisible"
"Gee" said my friend. / handed
him back, the valise and the empty
paintpot, dropped to my hands and
| knees (my camera slung about my
! neck) and proceeded to crawl. into
the brush. My friend stood watching
| me. a. @ st4 a
why don't you stand up and
walk?" ! heard him call
turned half round and growled
at him.. Then ! plunged deeper into
the brush. growing as L went.
y X
4 FTER ten minutes active crawling
"A found myself in the heart of the
forest. It reached all about me on
every side for hundreds Of miles. All
around me was the 'unbroken still
ness of the woods. judged that I
had reached spot suitable for my
kabitation.
My. first care was to make a hre.
I selected "a dry stick, rubbed 1t
vigorously against my hind leg. and
Evening star., 1923-07-29

i each other. still growing. Then the
man rose up TO a standing position
with a muttered exclamation of dis
| gust.
| "Ah. cut ii out" he said. Lets
| talk English"
! He walked over toward me and
sat down upon a log. What are
| YOU here for?'' he said.
Why" I explained. my plan is
this: ] want TO see whether a man
can come out here in the woods,
| naked. with no aid but that of his
own hands and his own ingenuity
and
/ He made gesture with his hand
| to indicate WEAKNESS and disillusion-
ment.
"Pshaw." he said, II know it be-
cause I've been doing it. I've been
her two weeks now on this open
air, life -in-the- e-woods game Well,
I'm sick OF it! This last lets me out
What last?' 1 asked.
why, meeting you. Do you real
| ize that you are the nineteenth man
that I've met in the last three days
running about naked I'm the woods?
The woods are full of them"
You don't say go" I gasped.
Fact. Why. when YOU get a little
further in you'll see signs up. "Un-
! clothed men not allowed in this bush"
and gentlemen who are stripped will
| kindly keep TO the high road You
must have come i'm at wrong place
or you'd have noticed the little shan
ties that they have now at the edge
of the New England bush with signs
| up: Union suits bought and sold"
But stop a minute said. How
is it that, If, what you say is true, /
haven't seen or heard anybody in the
bush. There wasn't sound, except
the twittering of a squirrel and. far
away, the cry Of a lake-loon. nothing
else" "
| Exactly, the . twittering of a
squirrel! That was some feller UP
the tree twittering and some other
feller calling out like a loon over
near the lake. I suppose you gave
them the answering cry?"
II did," I..said. II gave that low
cultural note which"
/ "Precisely-which Is the universal
greeting in the freemasonary of ami
| NAL speech I see you've got 1t all
down pat. Well. goodbye again
I'm Off. Oh, don't bother to growl
please"
| l sat where I was, musing. my
work interrupted, mood of bitter
l n iatl In IN n NM hao
/ X
lTHEN suddenly there came to my
i ear the~loud sound of voices, hu-
man voices, strident and eager.
Hes in there. seen him! I heard
some one CALL"
Rapidly dived sideways into the
| underbrush, my animal instinct
| strong upon me again. growing as
| went. AS fast as could retreated
into the, wood. Yet somehow, as ]
moved, the wood, instead Of growing
denser seemed to thin out. was
| filled with a wild sense of exhilara-
tion such as any lover of the wild
| life would feel at the knowledge that
| he is being chased, that some one is
| after him, that some one is perhaps
just a few feet behind him. waiting
/, to stick a pitchfork into him as he
runs. There Is no ecstacy like this.
/ Then I realized that I was sur
| rounded on all sides. Then they
! closed in on me. I recognized the
| blue suits of the police force and
their short clubs, In a few minutes
L was dragged out Of the shrubbery
| and stood in the open of Central
Park in my pa1amas, wide awake,
| shivering in the chilly air Of early
morning.
Fortunately for me, it was decided
at the police~court that sleepwalking
is not an offense against the law.
] was dismissed with caution.
lQopyright. 1S25l -
Evening star., 1923-07-29
utterly respectable Mary Jane sighs

utterly respectable Mary Jane sighs
tumultuously over hectic triangle.
That's why. The DeadEye Dick COM
plex is on the job. There, upon that
silver screen, are unrolled those
crimes which they wouldn't commit
for worlds. but long to see committed
SHINING, as 1t were.
There John, who is the office angle
worm, sees himself shooting up whole
towns. rescuing lovely, maidens and
splitting in q six-foot villains eye
Does he like it? He eats 1t. up!
There Mary Jane, fat, foolish, hope
lessly plain. sees herself sinking
around. all dousd-up in- chiffon. 9pd
Evening star., 1923-07-29

yet they received the announcement
with absolute unconcern.
On my way to the train / happened
to run into a newspaper reporter with
whom 1 have some acquaintance.
I'm just off," l said. ito New Eng
land to spend month striped Cat least
all but my union suit) in the woods no
doubt you'll like q few details about
it for your paper
Thanks, old man. he said, we've
pretty we'll given up running that nature
stuff. We couldn't do anything with it
Evening star., 1923-07-29

Mr.. EDITOR, did you ever walk 6
A'A or blocks with a great man?
Maybe some time you can find one
who will let you. SO you can feel how
did while promenading with Hon.
]. Pierpont Togo. At first corner
persons yaI. Here he comesw At
second corner they holla. There he
go!"
Pretty soonly~ this Hon. Togo get
so tired from excitement that he
say-so, Let us go down an alley G.
avoid the Publick Gaz."
You should not go anywhere. Your
Highness, without police escort" 1
snuggest.
That time will come soonly," he
revamp with Kaiser expression.
Nextly We knew we was befront a
sect, white skyscrape with enlarged
goIdy sign:
TOYO & SAGO.
MONEY MANUFACTURERS.
We was elevated up 10 66th floor,
and there such a scene of honesty I
never saw. Pure young men was
marking numbers on biackboa rds to
show Gen. Publick that figures cannot
lie. One gentleman was making mil
lions with chalk. 1t resemble Liberty
Loan.
This are the place explain Hon.
Togo. where wealth can be made
without using any brains
Too bad" I si & grone. that l
did not learn the address several
years ago"
1T are never too late TO learn
something" manipulate Hon. Toyo
with charity eyebrows. Now step
inside. if convenient. and meet Mr..
Swinden, who spend his life helping
people
Inside Office he took me with looped
arm. On wall was hanson portra it
OF Rebecca at Well. showing respect
full lady with bucket.
Mr.. Swindell. meet Mr. Togo" ex-
clam Hon. Toyo.
What, another one so earlyo"
carouse Hon. Swindell. bursting my
knuckle with his honest shake.
''WeI. Mr.. Togo. what can we sell
YOU the quickest?''
What varieties have you?" / ask
to know.
You are just ON time he say for
tunately. Some persons were born
with a handful of aces. For one %
hour more we are selling Lightning
Bug illumination Commons. The
chance are now. Opportunity comes
but once"
Evening star., 1923-07-29
ME famous bank president was
bored. He wasn't interested in
me, or the interview which

TIME famous bank president was
bored. He wasn't interested in
me, or the interview which ]
was trying to drag from him.
In truth, he didn't seem interested in
anything known to the mind of man
I had tried him on immigration, ny
fishing, income tax, golf, suHrase'
short skirts and my newest recipe
for lemonade In vain. His face was
about as expressive as a piece or
tripe. Then absently, in my weary
babbling, 1 happened to mention that
hero of my childhood days-"Dead-
Eye Dick"
The change was instantaneous. The
cold, gray eyes frightened, those
heavy, expensive jowls, so popular
with bankers, quivered with positive
glee. And metaphorically that IA
nous banker fell on my neck and
gave me a nice, sweet kiss.
Had 1 read dime novels, too? Had
In? Did he usta sneak off and hide
with his? Did he! His pet place was
out behind the silo. Mine was In the
corner of the front room, down be-
hind the horse-hair sofa that stood
beside the "whatnot." But though
our lairs were diverse, our interests
were identical. We had thrilled to
the same train robberies, gasped at
the same gun play, shuddered our
way through quarts and quarts OF
dripping gore. And with united
hearts we agreed that life had
nroyed a dull affair in comparison
with the dauntless deeds of Dead
Eve Dick. So 1 got my interview,
gained a friend, and even added a
few points to my new recipe for lem
onade.
I'VE an idea that we would all be
i able to understand life and hu-
mans better il we'd remember Dead
Eve Dick. In nearly every one Of
us lies that appetite for red-blooded
adventure which found its meat in
the forbidden dime novel" The
dime novel no longer exists. It costs
Is2 now. But it's still a best seller
and It still binds us all by COM
mon tie. Also, that crude dime novel
of our youth has found a new me-
dium wherein to sell its wares.
Do you know why steady, ploddins
old John sits goggled eyed over "a
six.reel gun-play. thriller. or why
Evening star., 1923-07-29

a boy inside" How about her being
"still girl?"
And that steady old cart horse of
husband of yours, sister You often
speak of ".ali you gave up for him."
How about all he daily gives up for
you? He keeps books now-it's,
long step from that journey to the
pole he wished to take.
Let's invite ole DeadEye Dick to
come back again and shoot our placid
landscapes into smithereens.
Copyright. 1921
Evening star., 1923-07-29

The outstanding feature of ocean
travel this year IS the increasing
number of,wonaRn travellers.
New Britain herald. [microfilm reel] (New Britain, Conn.) 1890-1976, 1923-10-17
NOTRE DAME VS.. TIGERS
Princc;cn's Strength on OTcnsc Sof
Known But Metre Dame Has Great
Aerial Attack.

New York. Oct. lS--l'ootball fol-
lowers are wondering whether Notre
DANES brilliant and deceptive offense,
which has been reported by Princeton
scouts us consisting of .: plays, will
fool Princeton next Saturday as II did
the Army eleven.
AS the experts have analysed the
Hoosier scoring machine. 1t has u
shift formation from which no Ices
than % different plays are run. II,
has forward passes break;n. out OF
scrimmaees and out of shir,s, forN ard
passes from fake crisscrosscs ana a
quarterback "sneak" which gained
many yards against the Army. This
play involves delayed pass. VITA s
feint at one side and. a dash ai,ai,,,t
the other, Rhythm and speed fcAture
every plan
Princeton's offense SO far he's shown
only seven different plays. 'lr Tiger
whose defense as usual is excellent. II
expected to play his usual waiting
game looking for breaks. some cA
perts predict that defensive game
by the Tiger will result in & rout for
him. Enthusiastic Notrc pa,nc alum
nj say that Princeton is soif,y to be
beaten unless 1t has a good attack. for.
they declare, no team in the country
can Keep Notre Dame f,oEt scoring.