davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

wither at any moment and blow away.
And 50 l met her in her dressing
room after the play. Her face was
pitted from smallpox. a cigarette
hung between thin. cruel scarlet lips
She was in a faded flowerC kimono
and cating-1 do not exaggerate-
sauerkraut and drinking beer. She
was the most ludicrous figure 1 had
ever seen before or since.
Incidents like that have offered me
| my establishments. They amount 10
nothing and neither lessen or increase
my respect for the human race.
Everybody taxes delight these days
in sneering at POllyannas. Yet the
cheering, optimistic souls who happily
make up the bulk of our civilization
| have done more in every way for the
advancement of everything that is good
than all our professional sneprs can
ever do. Optimism is Americas hope
4 group of impractical idealists saved
America from the Boche.
Finally | believtsin people. In all
my life have had but one person be.
tray a trust. have mingled with all
sorts-from thieves to statesmen. The
most impulsively generous act that
ever came under my notice was that OF
woman the world knows as scarlet.
have found but little cnmity in the
world. If / have n single enemy / do
not know it. 1t is trite but true that
my worst enemy has always been my.
self j have done things I'd like to
undo-just as all Of us have. but /
never found a man or woman who was
urforgiving when one seeks honest for.
giveness.
! have no special credo nor am I
posing as an oSacle. Yet 40 years have
warmed me to the world and its peo-
pie and / can't imagine a world being
any better than this.
Perhaps at 60 life will have stalled
a little but ] don't believe so. ! have
found just as much humanity in the
small town as in the city and vice
versa.
have always been GID have never
found u person absolutely without
faults. That to me would be an ever
lasting blight on existence. There are
any number of people / love more for
their faults than their virtues.
I'm something like the bibu.ous fell
low in New York club who under
the hospitable glow of few rounds OF
pre-war drinks said: You know, fel.
lows. I'd like to get the world together
and have a dance"
Copyright 1923, by The Mcknight
Syndicate. 1nc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

When one begins to grow old one
begins to muse. Around 40 we begin
10 live little in the past. At 60
fancy the future is not very much
worth fretting about. Almost every
fling that IS going to happen has hap
pened. And SO We naturally drift
hack TO the days whe the world was
young-the days when we stole water
melons. played hockey and broke win
dows in a burSt OF embryo banditry.
was musing today about that
happy period when the scent Of orange
blossoms was in the air. can see the
blur of faces in the little parlor in
Newport, Ky. where / was wed. |
can hear the quiet voice of the clerical
figure who said I'VE are ready And
I stood NJ and tried to appear non
chalant while feeling idiOtic.
What had l done with the ring? l
fumbled for it in my pocket. 1t was
there. There was a drone Of converse
1ion and the final pronouncement. Out
side on the little veranda quartette
was serenading. l stepped out 10
thank them. One OF them cried joking
": What are you SO pale about"
and ! looked foolish and replied un-
dramatically: who? Me-
And so in this mood today I went
10 al Old and treasured cedar box and
took out packets of letters-tied with
pink ribbon and beginning TO EAR
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

One day the Main Works Of a
| Wholesale House was jackins up the
| Private Secretary and getting ready
| TO clos, his Desk for the Day when
| in blew a country customer. The
Head of the Concern would have given
Seven Dollars if he could have made
his Exit before the Country Customer
showed up. However,, IA, was polite.
and he knew he must not throw down
a Buyer who discounted his Bills and
wGs good as Old Wheat. So he gave
correct imitation of 4 man who is
tickled TO death.
After calling the Country Customer
Jim" he made him sit down and
tell him about thu Family, and the
poets for Duck Shooting. Then, So
lecting an Opportune Moment. he
threw IN both Hands. He said he
had almost forgotten the NHstry
Meeting at ) o'clock and going out TO
call off the Nestry Meeting, the Din
ner. and all other Engagements for n
week TO come, but Jim would not lis
ten to it.
As a compromise the head of the
concern said he would ask their Mr..
Byrd TO take charge of the Country
Customer. They could surely find
some way of putting i'll the Evening.
He said the Oratorio Club was going
10 sing at Music Hall, and also there
was q Stereoot!con lectur, on India.
Jim said he would prefer the Stereop-
ticon Show, because he loved TO look
at Pictures.
The Head of the Concern said that
the Country Customer would be sure
to like their Mr.. Byrd. Everybody
liked Byrd. His full name was Mr..
knight Byrd.
He pushed on few Buttons ana
blew into several snaky Tubes and
put the whole Shop on the Jump to
find Mr.. Byrd. The latter happened
TO be in a Bucket Shop not far away.
When he heard there was Work
to be done in his Department he hot
footed IN TO see the Boss.
In presenting Mr.. Byrd TO the
Country Customer the Head of the
Concern laid it OH with a Shovel. He
said that Jim Here was his Friend
and the House considered it an honor
TO entertain him. The Country Gus
toner sat then feeling sheepish and
unworthy but q good deal Pulled ZIP
just the same. Then the Head of The
Firm made his Escapc and the Coun-
try Customer was in the Hands Of
Mr.. Byrd.
Mr.. B,rd's Great Discovery.
Mr.. Byrd was known in the Estab.
lishment as It's, Human Expense Ac-
count. No one had ever accused him
of being a Gutter. He was supposed
to be Hollow inside. Whenever any
Friend of tie Firm showed up. Mr..
Byrd was called upon TO take charg.
of him and entertain him to a Stand
! Still. The Boss was troubled. with
Dyspepsia and Conscientious Scruplcs
and a Growing Family and a few
other Items that prevented him from
going out at Night with the Visiting
Trade. He had it arranged TO givr
each one of them choice mess of
| Beautiful Language and taen pass
him along to Mr.. Byrd.
Mr.. Byrd was rosy and red
headed Gentleman, with Slight Over.
hang below the Shirt Front. II,
breathed like Rusty Valve every
time he had to go up Stairway, but
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

gin and the King without needless
delay married a chorus gal as he
loved beautiful baritone voices.
The new bride had once been
elected Miss America at Atlantic
City and if YOU seen her at certain
times OF the day she was not IL bad
though the King give her Il mirror for
wedding present and told her TO
get some Of that stuff out of her eye
lashcs.
Chicken Liver Fools Queen.
Well the new Queen was woman
at heart and could not help from
talking even when alone and one day
she stood up in front of the mirror
and said: .'''
Mirror. mirror on the wall.
Who is the dame for whom you'd
fall?"
Ard the mirror replied:
IN half TO hand it you o Queen.
You are the best i ever seem"
We'll this kept up till little Snow
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28
Meadows! NV Hour Glass
BY o. o. M'INTYRE.

them but their honeyed sentiment was
unimpaired.
Puppy.loye Sentiments.
In one that followed a puppy love
tiff I showed a world weary magnifi.
cence. was then at the age OF ~.
There was no such thing as love. !
wrote in n gust Of dramatic scorn.
There were other peSSimistic snortS
about the fickleness of women. And |
was going ont weSt-men were still
men ont there in the open spaces in
those days, too.
Then there was my proposal letter.
II babbled with love and romance.
There was one Saccharine quotation
that brought a little red about the
ears. 1t ran: Il am going to work my
fingers clear TO the bone for you" NV
wife still laughs when try.ng TO stir
me out of bed at noon.
was also going TO build a castle in
Italy with great balconies that would
be bathed in moonlight. While wait
ing for the castle. of couOrse, we would
live in $20-a-month walk-up flat. l
was also going 10 write the great
American novel. / was getting my
start by punching out Dear sir" let.
tiers. Nothing seemed beyond me.
| was obsesSed and bcwildered in
those days by the crowding dreams of
youth. Her future vas assured and
me like fragile flower rat might
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

| comb had Topped was by consulting
with her mirror. like for inst. ate
the poisoned comb episode she say
to the mirror:
Mirror. mirror, gift Of the King.
Who leads the Looks League now
old thing:"
And the mirror was obliged to an
swer:
You use to be fairer than all thu
others,
But Snow-White is still roominI
with the Six Green Brothers
But after the apple episode tn
mirror said in reply TO n query
"1ou lead the league once more OIL
head, -.....,
For snow-whitc seems to be prad
tically dead"
Used a ApplejacIs.
However when the Green Brotherl
reached home and found Snow Whit
laying on the floor with her necl
kind of bulging out like it was cys|
or something they called in %-raj
expert and he soon located the appA
in her throat and Il man from th|
garage got it out with applejack
where on Snow-Whitc jumped up al
good as new.
TO celebrate the occasion tl|
Greens took her along that night
the Supper Club where they wa
employed and there she met
wealthy bond thief who like therI
young. and merrily rang the bell
SO the same day they was married
the Queen put the usual query TO he
mirror and the last named replied
I'D like TO say you, but I've got
hand it
To Snow-Whitc. the wife of We
to do bandit"
This made the Queen so sore tha
she drunk at. of $1,000 Scotc
which she had been saving for con
pany and the next day her widowd
married the gal who had been sent
Atlantic City that year as Mis-
Seattle.
Copyright, 1923. by the Bell Syrdicat
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

IN THE AERIAL REVIEW at Kelly Field Saturday morning there
formation With the only
ASIAN ANTONIO ATTORNEY went into Ed FOmOy store in hurry
returned When he into pocket key
cry Wearing S' Trousers
crossing look listen" again got
ss S' s %fT"s rattle
dn n VIII 4 Ha ID .Hn yS s s spin pe sa
will stick of
COMMERCE hardware dealer
h"p upon to "n she 'o Ut anu nn ''S"
JEFF wHoRrEBERRy IN from the sticks again found occasion
p the departure Of the good old days when he wandered into
ing Of next tic p "" '0'"u '"O "O"' ""''0 u D
THE SPEECH or IMPERIAL WIZARD Dallas aifyins
the" u'Sr %
A pS of the a% i aa
THE SPEED SIGN IL ALAMO Heights has changed First
%
body blotted figures altogether.
eussias d the
e sBc S G c s% vent about record TOa
defense fund for movie patrons who carry
THE WIFE srINGY on Denver Heights
the that suffer outbreak of rash
4. ts5rsg ;4rs s 6
the effort opened he
had TO turn than COO paying customers.
@ S For s Y 5 s s T1 3Ef s;sa
d"a pPf GP %
SMALL WOODEN front Of the Guaranty
grade whiskey for medicinal purposes only"
LAUREL HEIGHTS popular
Tao WITHOUT trays SIGHT Of the b o9s sGsptoay nE
behind the sofa somewhere else that it couldn't be seen With the
the table, the fkcd the all
center table, the piano. when they invariably missed the trays AMI
refusing to let them smoke kept them
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

Perhaps no flying field in the coun-
try is as generally known as Kelly
Field, and en- air service officer who
has not at one time or another in his
military career been stationed there
is the exception rather than the rule.
Recently the multigraph operator OF
duty with the Advanced Flying
School received in answer to his re-
quest for a catalogue, the following
letter:
We have your letter Of the 7th ia
which you advise us that you just had
two multigraphs installed and desire
n book of instructions and a catd-
logue of parts for same. In order that
we may have you located here at the
factory so that we will know under
what branch office you are located,
Will you please write and advise us
what county in Texas you are in. b
doing SO you will render us a great
favor, as We cannot seem to locate
Kelly Field, Tex, on the map
Even city officials some times for
get that San Antonio has some new
traffic regulations. Commissioner of
Parks and Sanitation Ray Lambert
will bear witness.
lie was driving down Houston
street in search of baker shop. He
spied one on st. Mary's street. Get
ting the go signal, he swung to
the left, all the time conversing with
his secretary, Pat Shaughnessy. A
shrill blast from the policeman's
whistle attracted his attention.
DO you reckon he's whistling at
me:' the park commissioner inquired
of his secretary.
Nobody else" Pat replied.
what have / done?' the park
commissioner queried.
Just made a left hand turn on
Houston street" said the secretary
My mistake: I'm willing to pay
my fine" the park commissioner in
formed the policeman when he ap-
preached. "But I'll never. never do
it again. the commissioner added.
According TO his secretary Lambert
stopped at each corner thereafter and
inquired whether it was safe to
proceed.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28
1.-THE Story of SnOw-White"
md the mirror replied in a cracked
BY RING LARDNER

And the mirror replied in a cracked
voice:
"You still run second, o Queen.
To Snow-White who is working 70,
the Brothers Green"
Well TO make it a short story, IL:
Queen tried 3 different times to gel
rid of Snow-White and the first time
she made up like corset salesnai
and 'Snow-White was sucker enough
to let her in and the Queen sold he'd
corset that was too small and the
poor gal was choking to death wheIl
the Green boys come home and rel
leased her. On anothey occasion thd
Queen sold the gal n poison comb
which she stuck in her hair and thd
Green boys got there just in time I'd
prevent total badness.
On the last occasion the Queer
posed as fruit pedlar and SnowI
White asst her did she have any
apples and the Queen says Yes |
have some apples today but Snow
White said she was scared to eat ond
as it might be poisoned so the Queti
says that to prove they was nd
danger. she would cat the corpse OF
the apple herself vile Snow-Whitd|
cat the outside.
Well the outside was the part tina
was poisoned and when Snow-Whitt|
eat it she fell dead.
Now the way the Queen found on
that the corset gag and the poisoned
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28
Playing Safe

A vegetarian had an amusing ex-
perience the other morning at break
fast. His family was out of town. so
he went to n restaurant and took a
seat next to stranger. The vege-
tartan took occasion to advertise his
creed by telling the stranger all meat
was injurious. and that the human diet
should he strictly vegetarian.
But" replied the stranger, al sell
dom eat meat"
you just ordered eggs" said the
vegetarian. "An egg is practically
meat. because it eventually becomes q
bird. A"
The kind Of eggs 7 eat never be-
come birds" answered the stranger
quietly.
Good gracious" cried the vcgctar.
IN. "whNt hind Of eggs do YOU eat?'
Principally boiled eggs, sir. Los
Angeles Times.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28
Perch or Rcost?

Son-What is a roost, father?
Father-A roost is pole on viii,
chickens roost ut night.
:And what is a perch, papa?"
a perch is what chickens perch {
at night"
"Wcll, papa, couldn't chickens roo
on perch"
"Why, Of course"
sand couldn't they perch on
roost?"
Certainly"
"But il the chickens perched on
roost. that would make the roost
perch. wouldn't it?"
"Oh. heavens. Yes, I suppose so
"But IL after some chickens ha
perched on roost and made ID
perch some chickens came along al
roasted on the perch and made it
roost. then the rOost would be per|
and the perch would be n roost. ~fj
some of the chickens would be rooste|
and the others would be percheI
and"
"Oh. Susan-Susan. take this chi
to bed at once. Answers Londorl
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

White was a VI. old flipper and one
day the Queen says to the mirror:
Mirror, mirror on my dresser,
Do l still lead? No sir or yes sir 2"
And the mirror replied:
"lou use to top the list o Queen,
Now Snow-Nhite has got you beat,
old beam"
Well this made no hit with the
Queen as she could not stomach the
position of runner up so she said Il
wd. that is always spclt with u
capital letter and took smash at
the mirror and then give u boy from
the east side $500 to take SnoH.
White out TO the park and bump her
off and he was to bring back some of
the little gals giblets TO show he had
not missed.
But the gun man was noble at
heart and could not bear to kill Snow
White so he turned her loose near the
zoo and then spent 4 very small por-
ton of the $500 on some chicken
livers en- brochette which he took
back TO the Queen as evidence.
The Mirror Tips Her OFF.
Well Snow-White was scared at
being left alone and she run till she
could not run no more on acct. of
how her dogs fret her so she
finely set down on the steps Of n apt.
bldg. along about midnight and pretty
soon the Green Brothers who had
musical act come home to this
bldg. in which they had a apt. and
they took Snow-White in and made
her their house keeper.
She told them her story and they
warned her to never let nobody in the
apt. unless she knew who it was as
the Queen would find out sooner or
later that she was still alive and
would try and get her
Mean vile the Queen eat the
chicken livers and then visited the
mirror and says:
Mirror, mirror upside down,
Who is the prettiest gal in town.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28

SO was mine. And what an hour o!
stark and dour realism. not SO long
after, when | lost my job. Yet how
trivial it seems today.
Looking back at 40, find the philo-
sOphical sOlace that there wcs not q
single thing about whio' / worried
that was worth worrying about. The
loss of job meant--as it usually docs
"a better job. There is something
about losing a job that inspires young
men TO better ones.
And the Sheriff Came.
And came that fateful day, as the
movie captions say, when my name ! 4
been gilded on the door of magazine
office as Associate Editor" and two
days later the sheriff came and sealed
the safe. The magazine was out OF
business and | was ont Of a job. And
all New York seemed a sea of cruel.
craninE faces. The car wheels going
home sang, you're a failure, you're a
failure"
There flashes a vision also of that
evening when we hurried away from
the city 10 discuss our plight. Far
oyer in Jersey We alighted from a sub
urban car and walked alon: the level
country roads-roads that were more
like home TO US than city streets. There
were close-clipped meadows. golden rod
hillsides and the still magic of the sum
mer night.
What TO do? What conflicting emo.
tiOns. And yet in a week or so things
righted and all was well ?gain with
our little world. As We grow older we
begin TO see that nothing much mat
ters after sll-savc ], for our fell.
lows and work. They are the saving
graces.
The world has recently been going
through a period when everybody
seems to have been suddenly diSiIlu-
stoned. My grandmother used to tell
me of the same reactions that followed
the Civil War.
Our novels deal with world rotten
10 the core. Our plays try to show
that humanity is detestable and that
life is an ignOble venture in vulgarity.
]. have had no such disillusioning com.
plexes.
Some Broken Illusions.
My Establishments have been very
trivial. When | saw the best known
head-waiter in New York and discov.
cred that he looked like the keeper of
a country store at tho cross roads /
was disappointed. expected to see an
imperious fellow. with waxed muStache
making satellites grovel in obeisance
before him.
And then one Of the highest priced
newspaper editors in the country burst
another illusion. / expected him 10
be full Of ponderous thoughts that only
the erudite could grasp. The only time
ever saw. him he was having the
tin Of his life playing charades.
The first time | ever met a MILL, -
aire we talked about Frank Merriwcll
novels which he used to read. just as
]. and afterward he took me on n
round trip on a Staten Island ferry
which cost 10 cents. ! had rather OK
pected to find him reclining in valetrI-
dinarian ease in Louis Something-or-
other room wrestling with govt while
ticker tapes clicked all about him aud
secretaries fitted in and out. In
stead. he was in the kitchen trying tC
put n washer on the faucet in the sink
Then there was the great act css
mad admired from afar for years ant
years. ! pictured my meeting s .,
one of the great moments of my life
She emanatrd haaUfv ord seemed -
about the edges. Time had yellowe,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-28
The Customer and the Entertainer
BY

flushed and watched the Country Gus
toner make show of himself. 1t was
an Old Story to him. He knew thai
the quiet School Trustee type who
goes Home at Shutdown for 36f Days
| IN the Year. with the Morning St,al
and q roll OF Reading Matter Under
his Arm, is the worst Indian in the
World when he does find himself
among the Tall Houses and gets it Vi
his Snoot.
He allowed Jim to stand and vel
when the Chorus struck the Crane
Finale, and. little later on, he had
to make pretty Talk to a couple OF
Cops before he landed Jim at the
hotel.
If this were a Novel. there would
IL, a Row of Stars inserted right
here.
High Cost of Stereopticons.
The Sun was high in the Heavens
when the Country Customer opened
his Eyes and tried to remember anl!
then trj1d to forget. Someone was
sitting at the Bedside. 1t was Mr.
| Byrd. the long-distance Entertainer
I looking as sweet and cool as a Daisy.
Before / give you the Photograph
of Myself which you requested last
night, would you care for anything in
TIM way of Ice Water!" he asked.
Jim did a sincere Groan, and said
he could use Barrel of it.
"Did request Photograph he
asked, as he felt for the boundaries
of his Head"
"You did. replied the Entertainer,
"and you gave me your Watch as a
Keepsake. i have brought the Watch
and all the Money you had left after
you bought the Dog
"What Dog!"
Driver
where are We now-at the Ho-
tel?'
Yes, and everything is smoothed
Over. The Night Clerk has agreed
| not to swear out Warrant."
Jim did not comprehend, but he was
afraid to ask.
at may be that l was "a mite Pol
luted." he suggested.
You were teenv bit picklfd when
YOU tried to upset the Lunch Wagon.
but ! don't think anyone noticed it,"
said Mr.. Byrd
Take me to the Noon Train" re-
nueSted the Country Customer. Tel
the Conductor wl,ore / live. and send
me the Bills for all that have
Broken"
Everything is settled" responded
tn" Entertainer. but why Tear your
self away"
Il am through" replied Jim, $50
why tarry:'
Mr.. Byrd took him TO the Train and
arranged with thu Porter of the Parlor
Car for a Pillow.
When the Country Customer arrived
at Home he accounted for tho Eyes ly
saying that the Night Traffic makes
so much Noise on Thesc hard Stone
Pavcments. it is almost impossible 10
svt the usual amount Of Sleep.
The Head Of the Concern put his
O. X. on a Voucher for S4360. and it
occurred to him that StereoDtcon Lee
lures seemed TO be advancing. but he
asked 10 Questions.
Ever after that Jim bought all of
his Goods from this one House. lie
had 10.
MORAL: Scatter Seeds Of Kind.
ness.
Copyright. 1898. by the Bell Syndicate