davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Omaha morning bee. [volume] (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927, 1923-12-18
Iowa Rail Official Dies.

Sioux city. Ia, Dee l7.-Fred Aus
tin. A.. agent OF the Illinois Central
railway In Sioux CITY for the last t.
years, died OF pneumonia sunday MIR.
Austin came 10 Sioux city from Wa.
terloo. Ia. where he served Ia "A sim
liar capacity a. agent Tor a number Of
years.
The Omaha morning bee. [volume] (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927, 1923-12-18

Lincoln, Dec. 17.-Another repuh
lican incumbent OF the state house
filed for reelection today when At
torney General q. s. Spillnan OF
Pierce appeared in the secretary OF
states office with receipt for the
necessary filing fee
The Omaha morning bee. [volume] (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927, 1923-12-18
Woolwine Recovering.

Paris. Dec. t5.-Thomas Lee Wool.
wine. former Los Angeles prosecuting
attorney who is III. was reported to.
day 10 be improving slowly but sure
"
The Omaha morning bee. [volume] (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927, 1923-12-18
The Weather

Fer :, hours. ending : y. m. December
Temperature.
hlghest, 81. lowest. az mean. "a. nor
mat 80
rrtsl excess since January l. 80
Relstiss Humiiit,. feseentase.
a M. So Noon. q 4 m. 90
frrcipltstion, faehes and Harsireaths,
Tntal @, Total since ianusrN 1. knts
The Omaha morning bee. [volume] (Omaha [Neb.]) 1922-1927, 1923-12-18
WEATHER FORECAST

Nebraska: Fair Tuesday; not much
change in temperature.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
The Two Claques

Irving T. Bush, the New York mil
lionaire, said at dinner during the
autumn campaign:
Professional politics is such a cut
and-dried affair that it reminds me
of the two claquas.
"Two claQues # ten men each were
hired to sit in the top gallery of a
Paris theater. The first claque, hired
by the diva's enemies, was TO hiss all
through the performance. while the
second claQue, hired by the diva her
self. was to clap w'tEort intermissicn.
"Well, on towards the end of the
second act the hissers were quite
hoarse and out of breath, while the
clappers. for their part, had such
sore and swollen palms that every
clap was torture to them.
AT this point the leader of the
hissers tiptoed over TO the clappers'
leader and whispered:
at tell you what-my crowd will
start clapping now and your gang can
do the kissing. Is it n go"
Sure said the other leader. 1t
all comes to the same thing in the
end. Free Press.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
A Storm Impending

Milt Gardner of Santa Monica b. 2.
.. Z. 906 was relating some of his adj
ventures on the recently completed trip
to the Elks' convention at Atlanta.
We stopped for little while in
some town in the middle West, / for
got what they call it, and l was talk
ing with one Of the group of local
brothers who were down at the sta
ton to give us a bit of cheer-strictly
verbal, you understand.
Il was telling him how, a little way
back, We had passed through a storm,
one Of the kind you read about, that
demolishes crops in a jiffy, tears the
roofs off of houses and generally
messes things up with a suddenness
that is absolutely APPALLING.
Il was about to elaborate on somt
of the things l had seen when ID,
auditor suddenly exclaimed My good
ness Your conversation reminded M
Of something ] almost forgot to do al
errand for my wife LOS Angelo.
Times
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
On the Safe Side

The gentleman from the North was
paying a visit to London, and before
he had been there many days his
friends prevailed upon him to accom-
pany them to the races at Kempton
Park.
Arrived there, Sandy ventured to
stake one shilling on a horse, and as
it was an outsider you can imagine
his delight when it came in first at
long odds.
He hurried TO the bookie, who
rather grudingly, it seemed to Sandy,
doled out his winnings. Carefully the
Scotsman looked at and bit each
coin before pocketing it.
Sneerngly the bookmaker watched
him 60 through this performance and
then remarked:
"Well, are you afraid they're bad:'
"Na," was the reply; but / wis
jist maxim sure that the bad anc |
gi'ed ye wisna amang them. An
swers, London.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
Impressed Forever

There are occasional doubts in the
minds of the elders of the Moore fam
lily as to the quickness of Tommy's
wits. but there has never been any
doubt that lesson learned by him,
however slowly. is forever after re
membered.
Wont you shake hands with me.
Tommy" asked one of his sisters al
mirers. but Tommy hung back.
Il don't care to-" he said, with ter
rible distinctness.
Don't you like me-" asked the IN
wise visitor.
mo. l DON'T" replied Tommy, and
then there was shocked chorus FROM
the family.
Tommy" said his aunt, reproach.
fully. as she withdrew him from the
public gaze. "why did you say such =
rude thing to Mr.. jones'"
Because. auntie." said her wris'
Cling charge. 81 got licked last week
for not telling the truth, and i sha'nt
never take any risks again ."-Bosto"
Globe.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

being worn > by the sure-enough
Slickers and he had made an ex-
haustive Study of tying Bow Ties.
The Baseball Averages interested
him throughout the whole Season
and he could tell, almost any After
noon, which Teams were in the lead,
because he grabbed the Extras as
fast as they came out and was q
close follower of the Comic Strips.
His Taste in Cigarettes was thar
of Connoisseur and he always
tapped the Pill on the back Of the
Hand before igniting it, and in many
other ways was quite swagger, de.
porting himself as one accustomed to
Refined Society.
Notwithstanding which he was a
kind of a Bloomer in Haberdashery
Circles. He submitted to the hateful
Associations OF the Furnishing Goods
Business because he needed the Coin.
IL would have suited him darned
site Letter if some elderly Woman of
great Wealth had adopted him and
bought Car for him.
Because of a natural Aversion to
the Sordid details of Trade, it used
to Annoy him considerably when any
one came in. and wanted to spend
Money. He wuold set out the Goods
in a Manner that showed it to be
something of a Come-Down for him.
Advises More Outdoor Work.
While the Customer would be ask
ing Questions. Bert would be work
ing the Flexible Neck to see if Essie
was still waiting for him. Sometimes
when there was a Rush he would
get zeal Cross, and if People did not
buy in Hurry he would slam the
Boxes around and be Lippy and give
them the Eye. Yet he wondered why
he did not get a Raise in Salary.
During the Holiday Season, when
the Eucalyptus Pleasure Club was
simply in Delirium Of All-Night
Dances and Hamburger Suppers, and
when Essi. had worn a Path in the
Snow coming down to tell Bert not
to Forget, the Proprietor decided that
the Boys Job was interfering with
his Gaiety.
SO when Bert came to get his En-
velope the Furnisher told him he
needed more Outdoor Life and Exer-
else. and he had better find it by
jumping off of Tall Building.
MORAL-An early Frost gets the
Petunias but spares the Shrubbeiy.
Copyright, 1923. By Bell Syndicate,
(Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
HOW ESSIE'S FRIEND GOT THE FRESH AIR
yGEORGAD

The Owner of Furnishing Store
| gave employment TO Boy with
Dreamy Eyes. who took good care of
his Nails and used Scented Soap and
carried Pocket Looking Glass. 1t
was his Delight to stand in the Door
way and watch the Girls all Color
Up when they caught Sight of Him.
He was said TO be Divine Dancer.
There was a Girl named Essie
who was Hanging Around the Front
of the Store about half of the Time,
waiting to get a Chance to speak to
Bert. She chewed Gum and kept her
Hat over one Eye and her Complex
ion was snow-white.
After she had waited an Hour or
so. and he had Broken Away long
enough TO take her aside. she would
want 10 know what it was that Net
had said about her, or else she would
ask why he had not Answered her
Note. 1t was always just as momen-
tous as that.
If Essie did not come, she sent
some one with a Message and some
times other Floor Managers with
Handicapped Eyebrows would come
in to see about the Arrangements for
the next Grand Hop by the Eucalyp-
tus Pleasure Club.
Bert was so Engrossed with his
Love Affairs and the Pleasure Club
and the Bundle of Correspondence
that he carried with him that he had
little Time for Furnishing Goods.
High Spirit In Lowry Occupation.
To tell the Truth. he had Soul
above SusDenders and Carriers. His
Thoughts were concentrated on the
things that really Mattered.
Often enough, while he would be
passing the Tape under a Customers
Arms, to get the Size. he would be
trying TO figure whether or not lie
could afford to take Essie to a place
which charged IS cents with a large
list of Entrees from which one
might take his or her Choice.
Those who complained that he was
Inattentive often misjudged him, be-
cause they had no way of knowing
that Sweetie named Clarice. with
Straps across her Insteps. was trying
TO come between him and Essie and
he was wondering how he could put
the Siren out of his Life and, at the
same time. be Gentleman.
Fcllow-EmplOyes often rebuked
him because he could not remember
the Cost Mark and suggested to him
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
A Plea for LazineSS.
BY o. O. M'INTYRE.

for more than a year. Yet. when
ever j want anything, | can take a
high dive into the midst Of them
and come w with it.
Don't ask me how | do it. Its
gift. suppose the ambitious
energetic fellows have a better time
in their way. They make the crew
at college but if they see any fun
in that they are welcome 10 it. Any
way, | don't like to ride backwards.
Too Much Wasted Energy.
Recently a fellow came TO me to
interest me in more production. He
represented some institute Of some
thing that could make one man do
three mems work by reading their
books and taking some sort OF course.
He had a piece of hot house sable
on his upper lin and emphasized his
points by shooting his cuffs. Sweet
geranium.
He was a human dynamo. While
he talked and gesticulated / lounged
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

DISPLAY advertise school supplies these
CONGRATULATIONS TO PROUD father took an unusual turn
rival of twins with the observation would
ton his income.
THE LETTER CARRIER postman being by
old in San Antonio Carrier service
September,
MOTORIST WHO DRIVES or country has
that have plenty of horse He he has driven behind
their and pulls
SOUTH SIDE RESIDENT s looking "ncxt
thing the
lunches driving sedan The day his wawoman
TO work in her touring
BELIEVE 1T OR NOT but San Antonio business has spent
postcard saying he was sleeping under double blankets
POKERPLAYING FRIEND rangers
little efficient all the public
private His mood caused by casting finding that
the
BILL COLLECTORS problems trying cocet
collector
tonic hobbng who through dunnng remen at the
station while they duty lie caught his victim polishing some pipe
the talking him
alarm sounded The dropped the collectors foot
THE SAN ANTONIO department other manifold du
frequently called service 70 nae globes IN the
high ceiling which only the ladders of the fire department
reach.
THERE ARE AT LEAST places in San Antono downtown dis
B. DIS comfortable supplied with magazines and
papers while their 'onics' are being pressed
"BOB" COIGLAZIER struggle he had landing
yepGGnd bass rsceny at Medina LAKE, He had lot of line omt a
Bob that he was all wet with sweat when got him in
roadster handsome diamond cavalier all of which she
obtained from her husband through threats bob her hair
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

on divan and smoked a cigarette.
He went out with a wilted collar.
He wasted more energy in single
hour than l ever had stored away
in my system.
Two weeks later l met him. He
had a new job. This time be was
selling ideas for cutting down ex-
penses. He dubbed with enthusiasm.
He seemed to feel it was a crying
shame all the brains in the world
were given to one man and / had
the feeling when he left it was too
bad to be so dumb that one abused
the privilege.
Yet / managed to get along and
have had about the same job all my
life. And right at this moment I'm
not lodging more than three tailors
at the outside.
l presume it is a form of heresy
to advocate laziness. Still if you
feel that way all the time what are
you going TO do? Maybe it's hook
worm that is causing it all. If it
IS. the worm has been mighty faith
full to me.
If / had my way I'd have a big
sign put over my desk reading:
DON'T DO IT TO-DAY. WAIT
PERHAPS SOME BOOB WILL
Do 1T FOR YOU"
London Has Right Idea.
The best thing about London i:
the easy way they do things. When
a newspaper reporter goes out to in
tervlew man, he remains for tea,
perhaps goes out to a cricket game
with the man he is sent to interview
and writes his story three days
later.
Here in New York especially, a
reporter rushes about at breaknecL
speed, covers six or seven assign.
ments a day. gallops back to the
1 Office and almost tears a TYPEWRITER
TO bits beating out his article. Then
rough old copy reader whites il
down to a half stick. WHAT'S the
| use?
VI course We lazy folk don't make
much money. We haven't our little
shooting lodge in Canada. a glorified
VllIa at Newport or a town house
IN East Something Or-Other, but
we have lot of leisure to think OF
things and dream our big dreams.
It doesn't seem TO me q man ought
10 be required 10 work more than an
hour a day-or perhaps more thar
q half hour. All those in favor o.
fifteen minutes stand up. l know
lot who don't work at all and the,
are some OF the best Kelly pool play
With such short working time
mink how many fish one could catch
Gosh. I'm getting tired.
! don't believe I'll even finish this
such IS the power of suggestion.
copyright. 1923. By the McNaugb
Syndicate, Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
Too Long to Win

\ certain dean of a Middle IVES,
diVlnity' school was dilating on the
subject of golf. Tho game of golf has
done our health a great deal of good
out 1t has done our churches a great
deal OF harm. The other Sunday 9
young business man did not turn uE
at his golf club till nearly noon.
What makes so late, George &?
they asked him.
Well, TO tell you the truth.
George answered. it was toss-u;
whether ] should play golf or 20 q
church Then, after a pause, he add
ed. And | had to toss up nineteen
times, by jingo.' THE Argonsut.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
A Day at the Races.
BY RING LARDNER

he finished in the special place re-
served for horses who this writer
bets on.
They was so many horses in the
last race that everybody forgot who
they was backing and I can't even
say who win but I know who did not
and all and al when the races was
over and we was rideing back to town
the entire party Joined in the singing
of "A Perfect Day."
RING w. LARDNER.
Copyright, 1923, by Bell Syndicate,
Inc
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

Mayor John W. Tobin is congratul
ating the architect who designed the
golf club house at Breckenridge Park
on having succeeded in creating tbs
desired rustic effect. One of the
things resorted TO TO give it the ap-
pearance of age and "roushness" i,
Il Clipped slate roof, in irregular de.
sign. That the architect succeeded is
evidenced by the remark of a visitor
to the park.
He was being shown the beauty
spots OF the park and upon arriving
at the nearly completed club housC
stopped in awe and admiration.
That's such a beautiful thing
what old ruin was restored to max,
it," he inquired.
Charles Bartholomew, officer il
charge of the police automobile pound
is big, husgy fellow who prides him
self on being "he man" and despise.
anything that savors of Jelly bean
ISM"
To protect him from the hot ray:
of the summer sun and the cold north
ers of the winter season the city re
Gently built small stucco office il
one corner of the pound and the da,
after the kalsomincrs had finished
work bartholomew prepared to NOV,
in. Workmen installed his desk an,
chair and then the big officer start
ed TO enter. Suddenly, those nearb,
heard n roar and saw big Bart il
reverse gear and stepping on tn
gas" to get out of the place. Elimin
ating some of the "he man" word
and piecing together other bits of hi
lurid conversation the bystanders fin
ally made out what it was all about.
The kalsominerS had used a mic,
delicate shade of lady-liln pink in tint
ing the walls.
Waiting for it to be changed bi,
Bart sits in chair in the shade o
/ the new office and goes inside onll
when he has to and with his eye
| closed.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

To the editor:
suppose the most of the readers
has visited Saratoga, where they have
the horse races dureing dog days and
maybe that is why so many of the
horses acts like dogs but any way last
month was the occasion of my first
visit to the celebrated spa and for the
benefit of those who has never been
there will try and describe my first
day at the spa.
In the first place we left n. Y. City
on the well known night boat to Al
bany and arrived at the capital of
N. Y. State about 6 AN. the next
morning and we got off the boat and
went to hotel to get breakfast
which 1 ordered veal chop and some
wheat cakes and got the veal chop
and when that was gone we clumb in
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

~ IT strikes me this pep propaganda
is being slightly overdone. There is
no room any more for the Sluggard.
Laziness has become a lost art. The
most likable fellow / ever met was
the husband of a woman who ran
boarding house.
r He got up at 10 o'clock in the
morning. after having breakfast in
bed. and in the summer time reclined
in porch hammock until bed time.
in the winter he sat in front of the
crate fire in a big comfortable chair.
They had to pull him away from a
hot open fire.
He complained 10 me once that his
wife was growing cold toward him..
She woald not clean his pipe. He
had great fund of stories and we
called him "Doc." He lived TO the
age of 81 and when he died he was
generally mourned.
He was as lazy as Ludlam's dog,
that leaned his head against the wall
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02


to bark. Every day of his life was
holiday.
There is an old German proverb
that says laziness has no advocate,
but many friends. That is the trou-
Bic. Most of us nave sneaking adj
niration for laziness but we will not
speak out for it. 1t will not get
you anywhere but, "ain't we got
fun:"
Laziness His Hobby.
All my life ] have made laziness
my hobby but ] have been hesitant
in advocating it publicly. Nearly
every office I visit greets me with
a motto reading do it now" Every
hand is against me.
Great organizations are hiring ef-
fieiency sharks to speed things up
when what We really need is slow
ing down. Work, I suppose, is all
right, but like anything else, can be
overdone.
We hear daily of people being
6lled by work but I have never read
of anyone dying from laziness. Fea-
ture that,
We are constantly admonished not
%. put off until tomorrow what we
can do today. If there are going to
be SO many tomorrows, why do we
have TO pick on today? Instead,
let's climb into the hay and snooze.
One of the best short stories / ever
read was written BY a writer who
was continually fixing excuses 10
dodge the typewriter. There was a
story he had contracted to do before
sailing for Europe.
He waited until the night before
sailing and finished it in the cabin
OF, his liner Just before the boat
pulled out. 1t was his best story.
Those who say it was the exception
may be gently reminded of the other
bromide which says the exception
proves the rule.
The industrious prod US lazy folk
toe much. They offer US a SOP BY
s4ying "All work and no play, makes
is mot Jack and. anyway. why play
Why not stick to your hobby and just
b. lazy and dull. There are toe
many bright people anyway. They
think up things to do.
No Dictati0n From Ants.
Then there is that ringing plati
tbNc. w ~ lut dUts lHOu slug
gatd." If somebody will find me til,
art. I'll 60 TO it. I have never seer
am ant yet that inspired me to toucl
my hands TO the floor 90 times be
fore breakfast or saw a cord Of wood
There may be some of these inspira
& tional ants around but III take m,
chances. j can be just as stubborn
z with ants as I can with humans
No ant can dictate to me.
There is a lot to be said for tn
lazy man. He doesn't march il
pofades. He doesn't run after stree
cars. He let's the other fellow alon
and he makes a good husband An
number OF them will in pinch dc
lrer the wash for their wives. Ais
collect the money.
z These fellows who are always bus
ana never waste a single minute &c
ny goat. They are the BOYS VIII
tell you everything has been attend
ed TO when what they really mea
Is nothing has been done. They al
Just about as smooth as sandpape
Let's do one thing a day-and let
net make it too snappy.
suppose efficiency has its plaC
hut 1 have a system of my own. NJ
desk. any hour of the day or nigh
a looks as though it had been suddenl
struck by a cyclone. Anybody VIII
eomes near il is in danger. ] don
even want IL busted Papers al
piled about in riotious confusion
There are letters that have been ther
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

that he was Dumb Bell and gave
him the name of good Night school.
One might have inferred, from thier
caustic Comments. that Bert was
Ignorant, whereas he had lot of In
formation concealed under the mu-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
1l0nnn
Sims
Says

There will be many new dance steps
this fall. Only a few will be steps in
the right direction.
Wheat is low because there is toe
much. There is too much gas. Guess
why gas is high.
Tiffin, Ohio, improves. Grocery clerk
hit a salesman for singing "Yes, W,
have no bananas"
Ford will make n ton OF coal do the
work of five. Might as well. That:
what it is paid.
Coal Trade journal says coal will bt
gone in G033 years. 1t may be gon'
this winter.
Counting the cost of raising wheat
about all farmer gets for his croI
is the use Of it.
Argentina wants a big loan. She
can get it from Firpo.
Every nation has its pleasures
China recently shot $50 bandits.
A man who landed in Chicago with.
out a cent owes S4,000,000 now.
1t was a shoe salesman who swan
the English Channel, not book agent
after a customer.
Kansas City pair, divorced % years
will rewed. This is the longest vaca-
ton on record.
Mexico will elect n president. II
she needs any candidates we can lei
her have a few.
Delaware has such a big apple cror
there may not be enough jugs and bot.
ties TO hold it.
Never hit a train with an auto. Hi
nois railroad sued n man who did and
won the case.
Anything can happen. Barber shops
are operating in Moscow.
French plane flew $50 miles guided
by radio. We heard it.
Two New Orleans mothers have Is
kids each. What il they lived on
either side of you
Part of an old Jail at Ipswich
Mass. will be used as a school. The
boys think it appropriate.
Miami (Fla.) motorman wants 8
divorce. Says his wife refuses &c
talk to the motorman.
Brakeman in Sioux City, Ia. found
his sweetheart very discouraging. She
used a hammer and razor.
These are the days people are as
hot as woman with nine kids in &
day coach.
The common or garden variety Of
people are growing popular.
After vacations come the breach o.
promise suits.
An auto in hand is worth two il
the ditch.
Frenchman flew almost seven miles
high. Some say he was looking fol-
the dove OF peace.
Anything can happen now. Euro
~ean statesmen are going to 1relant
! to rest little while.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02

cilaginous Mop.
He knew all the late Songs about
Daddy having the Blues and he could
identify the Pictures of Bebe Daniels
or Mae Marsh.
He knew what shape of Collar was
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
Optimism

WillieSay, pop, what is an Op-
timist?
Pop-An o9tomist. my boy. IS q
fellow who tries TO jump six-foot
creek with his Sunday trousers on.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-02
At the Ball Game

She-Who is that man they are al
quarreling with!
Her Escort-Why, he's keeping the
score.
She-Oh and won't he give IL
up?
Boston Transcript.