davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
s sem sshSasStO. HENRY
TREASURE TROVE OF HUMOR FROM HIS
NEWLY DISCOVERED NEWSPAPER WRITINGS
BOARD AND ANCESTORS


hun0r
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
Gator ROuts EN-

A LGOMA, Wis. Alligators
"A may make fine pets, but as
L n swimming "pals''-well. not
so good in the estimation Of the
patrons of this towns "old"
swimmin' hole"
kid" swimmers here were
struck with CONSERVATION when
they found that their favorite
water rendezvous had been made a
place Of abode by a pet alligator
five feet in length. Every effort
to compel the unwelcome addition
to the gang" to evacuate proved
unavailing. The reptile was sat.
isfied with conditions" and re.
fused silently but steadfastly, to
leave the pool.
The kids" are hunting q new
swimming hole"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20

, hungry and engaged a weeks
board at a nice, stylish man
sion in the third ward. The
lady who kept it was tall and
imposing. She said she was
an aunt of Davy Crockett and
was still in mourning for him.
Her family was one of the first
in Texas. 1t was then supper
time and I went in to supper.
Supper was from $50 to Z,
and consisted of bakers bread,
prayer and cold slaw.y
"Now, my dear sir" continued
the stranger, 81 am not wealthy,
and ! cannot afford to pay for
high lineage and moldy ances-
tors with my board. Corned
beef goes further with me than
a coronet, and when / am cold
a coat of arms does not warm
me. / am desperate and hun
CRY, and / hate everybody who
can trace their ancestors further
back than the late Confederate
reunion. / want to find a
clearinghouse whose proprie-
tress was left while an infant
in basket at a livery stable,
whose father was an unnatu-
rallied Dago and whose grand
father was never placed upon
the map. / want to strike
low-down, scrubby, piebald, sans
culotte outfit that never heard
of finger bowls or grace before
meals, but who can get up a
mess of hot cornbread and Irish
stew at regular market QUO
tations. Is there any such
place in Houston ?"
The reporter shook his head
sadly. II never heard of any,"
he said; "the boarding-houses
here are run by ladies who do
not take boarders to make a
living; they are all trying to
get a better rating in Brad
streets than Hetty Green"
"Then," said the emaciated
man desperately, II will shake
you for a hot toddy.'
The reporter felt in his vest
pocket haughtily for a moment,
and then, refusing the PROPOSE
ton scornfully, moved away
down the dimly lighted street.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
Whiskey and Education
Whiskey Conquers.

William Scott graduated from University of Toronto
He studied music at Leipzig He became of the
Episcopal Church He patted little girl the head in
public street The child mother Mortified shrieked and the
man is in JAIL sentenced for six months vagrant
Whiskey had pulled him down low made him so poor
ragged dirty and dreadful look that would
have beaten him, merely for touching her child
college education plus education in Europe plus ministerial
training all advantages his. But whskey had the
advantage in the This ought to interest some of those
mat are investing money in whiskey of the bootleg It is
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
Mr.. Eastman of Rochester
He Gives More Than Money.

Mr. Eastman OF Rochester, made quite a distribution
dividend plan Also 100000 in stock dividends The wor
zen get Ii per cent OF five years pay 5 per cent
a whole years pay, their dividend go ~ -
That most distribution earnings But liberal
as it is will probably do less good Rochester and the
outside world than the Eastman theater with it's
music and to the intellectual developments of the
University. ~ 0S"eI
To distribute money is important. To encouraUa ond
increase intellectual activity is infinitely important
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
FOREIGN VS..
AMERICAN
BARRIERS

The author of this letter is an
AmericCn-born citizen. He
raises an interesting question:
Who makes the better barber, q
foreigner or an American?
EVery man is interested in the
subject Of a quick and painless
shGve. Hos the BARRIERS nation
atty anything to do NTH has
skill IN 1Uielding q razor? What
do YOU think about it.?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
Tourists Mecca

~ ARTS - Approximately 1000
persons daily visit the
Il Louvre, Frances national
museum, according to average
figures Just compiled for the last
six months of 1922. During that
time the entrance receipts were
183,S0S francs, about $4,000:
During the same time visitors
to the Palace of Versailles aver
aged 500 daily and paid in 1O2,SO7
francs.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
Our DUN Police Gazette.

nORT ARTHUR TEX, drives the Industrial Workers of
the World from its docks, whereupon the organization
which Comrades Haywood and Foster long
mented retaates by ordering its members to
the community.
Twenty thousand wobblies have started for the Gulf
Like the elephants who ate all night and day. they plan
to bankrupt the town by passive resistance law order
and all forms Of labor which constitutes and
compel arrest and upkeep sort of sabotage.
Murderers likewise prove that there is something
under the
rooster another Stays his landady and wounds her
band because she wouldn't breakfast after regular
hours and thirteen yearold Massachusetts, girl browns
companion and coneses to showing three other playmates
from the wharf.
Morris Levy gener SOUL is not exponent of violence
He merely steals newspapers from blind boys
Magistrate Smith, admitting the whimpering sneak to
$500 bail, denounces him ''the man in the
world.''
Three guards recommended dismissal from the Brook
yn State Hospital for binding and then beating insane
patients also candidates for that championship.
More Mean Men.
PHILADELPHIA courts uphold Jail verdicts against
saoonkeepers whose bartenders sold bootleg when the
- proprietors not the premises.
The who takes the profit ought to pay the piper
Controlling stockholders of railroads which don up
their equipment would simply be getting greed deserts if
they were indicted in negligence In which event
both national and urban transportation would
Every principal is responsible for the and omissions
Of agents Florida sentences Walter Hggnbotham the
penltenary for twenty because he whipped Martin
Tabert to death.
But heads Of the Putnam Lumber ompany leasers OF
of Hggnboham and countenanced his for the sake
of filthy dividends, only liable to civil suit.
Taberts father brings action at Eau Claire, Wis., against
the corporation for 100000 he loses the case the
defendants can't win public contempt harsher penalty
than cash damages.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
SAP AND SALT
BY Bert Nose

So long as a man realizes he
is a fool there is no hope for him
The penalty for becoming prom
inent is inviting opposition from
the mud-slinging brigade.
1t is about a stand-off whether
women spend as much for bar
gains as men do for oil stock.
copyright. 1879. Premier Syndicate, Inc,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
NOW THEY WON'T GET
THEIR LITTLE RED
BUTTONS
By HERBERT KAUFMAN.

g ECRETARY HOOVER, just prior to his Alaska trip,
that neither additional RENTED foreign loans
were likely to increase European purchases our
counters.
This week his satisticians present figures showing how
buying SO per cent goods
chiefly agricultural productsthan exported in 1913
sends word of bumper crops and declares indie
pendence Of American grain.
Sad words for friends the decoration chasers Day by
day prospect grows less for getting of those nice
little buttons with which France rewards civilians work
ing in her interest
The farmer hitherto deluded by inspired propaganda
which insisted that chance for profitable markets>ay
in the cancellation Of allied debts abandons metculous
hope and senby proceeds to concentrate votes and efforts
fundamental prosperity stabiizers.
Congress the money far better advantage by
extending rural credits and establishing minimum price
guarantees.
Time and record have INDICATED loyal and fareeng
opposition to blion-doar pork BARREL for Europe
would have taken everything and given nothing in return
EUery Giant Isn't an Ogre.
HE ancients always appeased angry gods by sacrificing
the latest bullock nearest goat.
Dollar wheat and Johnson election the Senate
promptly followed by the filing Of dissolution suits against
the international Company. Even the Admins
ration must acknowledge that the coincidence remarkable
Present political tides however won't be turned by be-
lated recourse the Sherman act will the breangup
of big corporation into lot of little make its
chandise cheaper.
Agricultural implements are high will remain so until
legislation reduces freight rates. wages for skilled labor
timber STEEL inseed white lead and fuel quotatonswhich
are the main items on I. Fl. C. cost sheets.
The defendant accused Of especially oppressive
practices Size be its only crime Daughery
now prove that the international ogre well
giant.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20
Padding Their DUN Canoes.

TEXAS planters take the bull by the horns and
to handle the bears, too They're not counting on
Federal help to solve their problem.
Cotton spectators get all the funds they need by deposit
ing adequate security The growers themselves offer Eastern
banks warehouse receipts for $4,000 bales against
$4OOO00Oo loan.
With that amount they finance themselves through de-
pressions and control their market
Lend the money to the producer, not the gambler.
Senator Brookhar brings the message from Moscow that
the Russians don't require outside aid to solve their prob
lens, either.
Nobobys botherng the Sovies-ts the other way round
The principal objection to the Lenn rotzky group their
pesferous interference with extranatonal affairs Neither
do we need any assistance in managing orr business
And that's that
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-07-20

subject of a quick and painless
shGVe. Hos the bGrber's nation
atty anything to do NTH has
skill IN 1Oielditg q razor? What
do YOU think about it.?
Editor Of The Washington Times:
II READ an article in your paper
where some chin-scraper
from Russia named Popow-
sky is trying to belittle the Amer
lean barber. 1 happen to be a
barber myself-full-bloode white
American there let me say we
have but a few white American
BARRIERS in Washington. and they
are mostly all imported stock and
1 have never seen any barber i'm
ported from Europe who could
give me any instructions in the
art of barbering.
1 have been in Europe ana nave
never seen a barber over tnere
who knows how to shave. They
handle a razor well, in their way
but they don't shave with 1t. they
scrape! And, o boy! sometimes
they will nearly lift you out or
the chair when they tackle your
chin.
When they have scraped your
face two or three times they let
you get out of the chair and wash
your own face and you leave the
shop with your face a-fire. IT they
are successful in their PROBES
sion in the United States they
have learned the fine touches only
after much study in this country.
Most American soldiers VINO
were overseas will remember the
scrapes called shaves they had
handed them in the barber shops
over there. AS for Popowsky's
series of. correct strokes in shaw
ing, l doubt II he knows the diff
ference between the easy-flowing
shaving stroke and the stiff scrap
ing stroke used by so many bar
bers. If he wishes some advice on
shaving instead Of scraping, my
name and address is.
WILLIS HUTTON,
26 G street s. w.
p. S.-Americans are not so
thick that it takes nine years to
learn their trade.
Evening star., 1923-10-25

claims 10 social recognition would
make such hanliliating confession.
Representative .Britten's outburst will
be criticized. and scoYned in some
quarters. but it, Is, believed that most
Of our people, n they take interest
at all in this portentoas matter, viii
stand with him. There are net 80
many French cooks In Washington
as in Paris and many of ouf famous
French" cooks were born in the Dis.
trtct and in Maryland and Virginia.
1t is believed by persons familiar
With the eustoms or washinEton fpeo.
pie that most OF them eat THEN pie
and sandwiches at noon without the
establishment OF French NAMES ana
that when they go home TO dinner to
eat supper at O'Clock they take Irish
stew. lamb stew and other costly foods
under thesc familiar and beloved
names. There il really no use Ia hav.
Ing a riot over this matter. Tf plain
Americans viii assert their plainness
and demand ham and cabbage undis.
saisea the luncmooms will serve II
that way.
Evening star., 1923-10-25
Diploma Mills.

Federal law authorities at st. Louis
are investigating charges that so.
called medical colleges are selling
diplomas that unworthy men. may rep
resent themselves as physicians. An
Associated Press dispatch. from st.
Louis says. "Information alleging
that probably between ten and fifteen
thousand persons are praeticing raedi.
cine under fake diplomas and Licenses
from diploma mills has been given TO
federal authorities, There is no nov
city in diploma Mills bat it was be-
l!eved that they became extinct years
ago, Much was heard of them and
there were many scandals. The med
teal brotherhood has compelled nu.
anerous reforms for protection of the
public and for the honor OF its pro.
fession. 49,. ...,
One can remember when there was
great ''hberality'' or negligence in
permitting men to practice profess
sions. A man might read volume
OF the laws OF his state and be, admit
ted to practice ION motion of q mem.
Der Of the bar known TO the court, or
he might take a very siipshod form
Of examination, the general idea Of
the court or examiners being that, if
the candidate did not know enough
Iawsto make living 1t was his con.
Evening star., 1923-10-25
Heat in Apartments.

:, The Commissioners have decided TO
send to Congress q bill specifying the
degree of heat that shall be furnished
tenants of apartments. The bill has
been drafted by thc health officer. and
provides that temperature Of 6S de-
srees Fahrenheit. shall be maintained
between : a.;g. and 10 p m. Fines for
violating the act are provided. The
law would apply 10 all landlords who
agree to furnish heat when they lease
an apartment. Under this law the
District government could give protec-
tion to tenants. Many of them have
said they need It. 1t is perhaps true
that landlords or apartment house
managers live up to their moral obi.
CATION and keep in good faith their
part of the agreement to furnish heat.
but there are exceptions. It is gen.
orally set forth in the lease which an
apartment tenant signs that heat is
TO be provided as necessary. but it
sometimes happens that the landlord
or apartment manager sets himself up
as the judge "a TO the necessity, and
saves coal while his tenants shiver.
There have been many complaints
from tenants. and it would be a good
thing for the law 10 determine what
is reasonable temperature, and that
the authorities have the power to COM
pei landlords to maintain It,.
Evening star., 1923-10-25
Senator Underwood's Protest

Senator Underwood OF Alabama yes.
terdaS opened his campaign for the
democratic presidential nomination in
speeches at Wichita Fails and Mocono,
Tex. in which lie voiced protest
against the contention which has been
maintained as q tradition in the dem.
eoratic party that Il is not expedient
TO nominate a man from the south
for the presidency. lie suggested that
this argument When put forth by a
northern aspirant was advanced be.
cause that man wanted the nonifa.
ton himself ana that was about ali
the foundation II had. He said the
south had not sent President to the
White House in eighty yeare and it
is high time that. the south should
be allowed to name the candidate.
especially as.it would supply the bulk
OF the votes necessary to elect him.
Many people will sympathize with
Senator underwood's contention that
II Is anrea snnable to taboo a seeker of
tire nomination ON purely sectional
EAoaHo-s 10 ASttf boite AbAS
political justification for shutting cut
the south. except that the thought
prevails that a candidate from some
pivotal state is necessary to carry the
aeeatable territory. 1t is on all fours
with the attitude of the republican
party toward Pennsylvania I'VE
don't need to curry favor with you,
for YOU are ours already"
Senator Cnderweoa's plea is a pre-
convention argument: he is after del
egates from the seath. Later he viii
go north and TO the convention itself.
where he will not stress the point OF
Give the south chance but will
have TO. present his case upon other
grounds. his fitness, experience and
character. His protest against sec
tionalism will not weigh heavily with
the northern democrats; they do not
care anything aboLt giving the south
a chance, bat are after the man who
looks to them like a winner at the
polls.
Evening star., 1923-10-25
Rate by Maii--PnyAble in ASyance.
NIaryssns and EirNinis.
All Other States.
. Nfenhec af fhe AssoeiatAif Prnss.
No Ofsetting Benefits.

There are no offsetting benefits to
compensate for the specific injuries to
Ire inflicted BY the lunp-snm payment
plan. Uncle Sans National Capital
expenditure will be just as subject TO
budget bureau FetTenchment II made
III a lumpsuin payment as If made as
his proportionate share os~the total
District appropriations approved by
Congress.
The District will not, be tempted by
the suggestion taat the lump-sum pay
nnent plan offers it the privilege, not
Of taxing itself without restraint. but
of being taxed by Congress without
limit and without safeguard for the
upbunding OF the nations city.
The practical effect Of the lump.sum
bill is TO place a maximum limit on
the contribution Of the United States
and to remove the limit entirely from
The contribution OF the local taxpayers,
Indeed, an announced purpose of the
proposed legislation is TO enable a tax
iag body in which Che District is not
represented TO increase the local bur.
den Of taxation at its pleasure un.
checked by the existing requirement
that every such increase shall be re-
hBctei in some meas sure i'm national
taxation for Capital upbuilding.
4 The lump-sum payment plan will
not solve the Districts immediate rs
cal problem of spending millions 10
meet the neglected accumulated mu-
Gicipal, needs of the wartime. and
simultaneously to cut down national
appropriations fer all purposes. includ-
Ing Capital upbuiIding. through the
governments budget policy of post
helium ante-election. retrenchment
4 bond issue of ille right sort, guar
anteed by nation and Capital on the
1890 ratio, with low rate of interest,
and with stringent regulation of the
expenditure Of the proceeds of bond
sales on t;,e line of wise economy and
maximum efficiency. might perhaps
Solve our immediately urgent fiscal
problem, e,a.
sss.Tnese suggestions are elaborated in
editorial correspondence elsewhere in
todays Star. p -s--r' Ts-arE. -
Evening star., 1923-10-25

Germ and not theirs. A man mfght
read book on herbs---or he might
not pursue his studies" even so far
and then go forth as a doctor Of medi.
cine. Men without Intelligence and
without schooling, and often without
good character, practiced law. medi-
cine and pedagogy. Then came the
era of professional schools requiring
some fundamental schooling for ad-
mission.
There has been gradual Tightening
up OF reouirenaentsfor practicing nlea.
ictne in the United States and some
believe that the requirements are not
Yet adequate. Progress in medicine
and its related sciences has been re.
rnarkaele in The past quarter century
and q higher nacntality ss required
now than formerly in physicians who
weoid give patients the best that
science has taught. Medicine is pro-
gressive. Ola theories and modes Of
treatulent go 10 tie scrap-ireap ana
new ways come in. perhaps 10 be dis.
cagded later, but it seems clear that
progress Is making in the cure and
allevssiioa OF the ills We ssffer. A
revolutionary discovery is made now
and then that saves life.
A fake medical college or an i'm
stitption selling medical diplomas is
as low fraud as can be conceived,
Men who sell diplomas and men who
bury them are scarcely weCthy OF char
liable consideration, and IL is hoped
that If tAe law officers at st. Louis
find conditions as charged taeS viii
show no ienfence TO the wrongaoers.
Evening star., 1923-10-25
Welcome to Lloyd George,

After an extended swing around
the circle" Mr.. Lloyd George comes
to Washington for visit which will
doubtless be of keen interest to him
and which will bring him directly into
contact witA the American govern.
iaasas. l1e has been in New York, in
Canada, in Chicago, in st. Louis, in
Louisville and a few other places,
speaking on occasion, seeing the ut
most possible i'm the limited time,
meeting a great many people, enjoy.
ing himself as a traveller az far as
the taxing conditions OF hurried tour
permit. While he will be somewhat
rushed about, he will cover q great
deal Of ground and will meet a host
or official and unofficial persons. lie
will perhaps deliver at least one ad.
dress.
For some time before the great war
and throughout: that crisis in world
affairs and, indeed. for many months
following lts close. Lloyd George was
foremost figure in world affairs. He
has been easily the most conspicuous
British, statesman for a dozen years.
While chancellor of the exchequer in
the Asquith ministry he demonstrated
capacities for independent thought and
action that gave him prominence. lie
became a force in British politics TO
be reckoned with at all times. When
the war came ne proved a man of
great strength and resource. The war
was fought to Il Victorious conclusion
under his premiership. He was 4 fac
tor of determining force at the peace
conference.
During these dozen years of re-
markabie success and prominence
Lloyd George has been the feeas Of
American attention. His personality
has become quite familiar to the pee
pie Of this country through pictorial
representations and through the text
Of his speeches. writings and inter.
views. Though now out of politics,
in the sense that he is not at present
in public Office and that his pa.rl;a-
mentarg following is a small minority,
he ;s nevertheless force of moment
in the affairs of the British empire.
He car never fail to be Interesting TO
the people of this country.
In the course Of his tour Of America
Mr.. Lloyd George has displayed a Keen
appreciation and quick understand
ing of American matters. He has ap-
parentIy enjoyed the rousing recep.
tions given TO him. Though tiring,
the attentions paid to him have been
gratifying. He is an eminentty salts
factory guest. He likes meeting peo-
pie He enjoys contacts. He quickly
adjusts to encounters. lie has some
thing OF Theodore Roosevelt's capac-
ity for activity and social intercourse.
Washington is glad TO have him
with it and trusts that his stay here
will be one Of the brightest of his
American recoIlections.