The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-08
EIIRAM'S GIDDY WIFE

~ NEE Inero was Stalo
Business Man who was
" hooked up with a hoop-la
Spender. 1t was often remarked
that Hiram's Wife seemed to take
It for granted that Treasury
Notes grew on Trees. She wore
those long. Iozenge-shaped Rings
that blind the Spectator, and she
had q different Sunburst for
every Day in the Week and a
Diamond Tiara that made the
other Women sizzle with Envy.
Now and then she would give q
Party at which $50; worth Of
Spinach would be hung on the
Chandeliers. The highest-priced
Caterer in Town would deal out
the sparkling Conversation Water
~ IL Brut and Butternlilk cost
about the same.
She was, in very Sooth, among
the highest of the Rollers, but
Hiram stood for the Bills with
nary a Whimper. He was proud
to be the Husband Of the Lady
Ki-Bosh OF the Local Knicker.
bockers.
He never pranced into the Ring
himself for Fear that he might
Interfere or throw a Shoe, but
he sat back in Section A and
rooted for the Missus. Every
time she was awarded q Blue
Ribbon for another Social Triumph
he was pleased beyond Compare.
Hiram was a Child Of Nature,
and he never had been able to
outgrow his Birthright. Even
when he. was attired in his $3.50
Evening Clothes, one could tell
by looking at him that he knew
how to milk a Cow. He had
more Hands and Feet than he
could dispose of at one Time.
Hiram could not comb his Hair
so that it would stay, and
although he had been in the City
for thirty years he never con-
trived to get the Hang Of a tie-it-
yourself Bow Tie, so he used the
kind that fastens behind with a
little Buckle. 1t was even said
that Hiram was unable to put
the Studs in his Shirt without
getting FingerMarks on the
Bosom. Hiram's Wife or daugh-
ter Jessie always had to go to
his Room and look him over
and turn him around a couple of
times before they dared to lead
him out where the Company
could see him.
When there was a Theater.
Party, Hiram always sat back
between the Curtain so as to
avoid spelling the Picture, and at
the same time keep the Draught
away from the other People. AT
q Dinner-Party he was usually
put in between two Gabby Girls,
who had tacit Instructions to keep
him elbowed into the Background.
And yet, withal, Hiram was
Man of Sterling Worth and many
admirable Qualities. He was the
Family Gibraltar, while his Wife
and Jessie were supposed to be
mere Floral Ornaments. Best OF
all, Hiram, was known to be a
Star at getting the Coin. The
Fact that the Family put up such
q Tall Front in the Society
Column helped the Public to be-
lieve that Hiram was as good as
Old Wheat and as prosperous as
q Kansas Farmer. And he was
supposed to be long on Business
Integrity. 1t was argued that
one so Yappy would have to be
correspondingly Honest.
Hiram was so Severe and Purf-
tanicaI and had so much clinging
Agricultural Simplicity that no
one dreamed the Truth about
him In Reality, his Arteries were
surcharged with Sporting Blood.
When no one suspected 1t, he
liked to put on a Mask and sneak
out and hold up the Stock
Market. That is what he did un-
til one sad Day in May the Stock
Market up and Did him. He got
1t right where the Hired Girl
wears the Ruching.
HIRAM'S COLLAPSE.
Hiram came home az Pale AZ a
Ghost and broke the News that
he was in the Hole. He hesitated
20 tell the wife, for she was a
Fragile Being. unaccustomed to