davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
ing Good Appearance By j. w. McGurk The Girl and
the Pearl

- UTE q neat point or law
involved in the recent en-
perfencs Of q maid in .
home on Long Island, who choked
on pearl while eating CLANS.
When the pearl was discovered.
the maid said 1t was hers boz
cause she had choked on It, but
the lady OF the house claimed Il
was hers because she had bought
the CLANS.
or course, II there were any
justice In the world, both would
have recognized that the pearl be-
longed to the clam. But clans
haven't any rights when It comes
to dispute between human be-
ings- especially when they're
feminine.
It seems that the woman who
hired the girl had agreed to fur
nish her board, and the girl ar
gued that since the pearl had
passed between her lips, It be-
came part OF her board.
This Is delicate question.
When - precisely - does a clam
cease to be q clam and become
board? When Q clam becomes
board, does . pearl follow suitf
And IL not, why not7
The girl departed with the
pearl, clam included. The mis-
tress held that 1t was plain rob
berry.
Our opinion IL that anyone who
bites into q precious stone has
first call on 1t. We don't care
much for pearls: our fayorits
gem being the diamond. But II
we are ever visiting the diamond
mines OF South Africa. and there
IL q two-carat stone In our vego.
table soup. we're going to hang
on to 1t.
We have been eating In res
taurants for years, and no one
has ever forced as to hand over
the gravel hidden in the salad
or the sand In the sugar.
This establishes q precedent,
and we will insist on our rights.
even If we bite into q whole
string OF pearls.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
BY Charles wi. Bayer

know half hundred bartenders
who have worked that formula
and didn't have to develop it in
laboratory. Some of them don't
even INCLUDE the kerosene. They
merely rub some liquid dynamite
across a roosters tail, take It for
a walk through the town, and call
1t a Manhattan cocktail.
Statistician figures that the
average nicotine addict puffs SO
many cigarettes that a six-year
supply would reach mile.
Which bears out the ad that
he'd walk a mile for his smokes.
Papers say Anti-Saloon League
leader is indignant. He'd better
curb his temper. He's liable to
get in a Torment and be accused
of intoxication.
The editor just slipped past and
sighed: You'll get the popular
sentence, twenty years to life."
How Gomez"
THAT copy is murder in the
second degree"
And that's how it's sometimes
done.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

blank. That ought to afford
some ammunition. But some.
body peeps over your shoulder
and remarks, IF you think any
body can get a laugh out of the
income tax except the collector
you're away Off"
You phone home and say you
think you'll hike up TO the zoo
to drag out a few grins. The
lady urges:
Better not read that stuff up
there. Even the hyena will stop
laughing"
And that reminds you of enough
to fill a paragraph. You recall
the time Dex Fellowes had you
go to the circus in Madison
Square Garden to find out what
makes the wild Jackass wild, and
when you stood in front Of the
wild 1ackass you were told by the
lady that is licensed to tell the
truth, my dear, If you'll give
yourself review in the looking
glass you'll see the answer"
You figure that maybe the
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Sarah of the Sahara

VU7INDOWS in Paris London and Fifth
Va agentng the styles popular by Sarah of the Sahara
other demoees who fappers when Old King
Tut utng in his golden chariot looking excitement
while several of his wives sending detectives after
self-starting camels.
The regnng color all the fashion centres Is Nile 1t is
called Nile for the the Nile Is but
muddy brown.
To observe the Egyptian styles which have been
served to this day in the original material only visit
the Metropolitan Museum of Art 1t would first glance that
the modes of that rather tight the the
nnunnies may be described as "cnging"
1t is difficult ladies
TO around much but only
pokng the relics of Poemy brought
word that the appes in old
This discovery of the Egypt kndd
the following poem:
Now the scientists inform Aappers by
ereds style
Those antique finale hoppers
Also told their whoppers
In abandoned
Just the Is is to-day
And and they didn't move
their feet
When in some paudv Jazz
They would shimmy they would cuddle,
They would snuggIe-pup and huddIe,
And their dongs! Oh, dears!
In the Cafe des Algiers.
Yes they had pettng parties, al. were
there,
And the bootleg, potent rare.
For the stuff they fed tumm
Would wake the deadest mumme
no the would Thed Ba with
On the dim 'tar- Sahara and reormers all be bowed.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

latest murder mystery will afford
copy. The girl in the case was
butterfly But the reports say
only that she ran around with
every Tom, Dick and Harry. All,
a bright chance for a quip. Here
she be:
They say she ran around with
every Tom, Dick and Harry.
They've overlooked that the one
she was really after was Jack.
Diagram? Sure. She was after
the dough, wasn't she? Dough-
Jack" pretty good, what?
Maybe the subway will breed
an idea.
What's more aggravating than
to have to stop to tie a shoe lace
when you're running for a train?
Answer - Having a friend de-
clare:
Your explanation about those
black eyes was clever, but how
did you really get them?"
News columns tell or chemist
who has discovered how to make
a cocktail with kerosene. The sap
is away behind the times. We
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Short but
Sweet

Brevity is the soul Of wit
Also, OF number of other
things. This world needs short
ballots, short sermons, and short
cake. Nobody, however, is par
ticularly wild about being short
changed.
Most Of the annoyances OF life
are too long-such as leases,
skirts and Winters.
Among the important items
which should be shortened, at
once, in order to contribute to
the happiness of the human race,
are the following:
Alibis.
Bridal wells.
Hat pins.
Long Island.
Grand opera.
Long lost acquaintances.
The interval between drinkG
and this list.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

Il took prohibition to prove that
ali men are blotters under the
skin.
Sgeuglia Pilsilowitz and Ana
stasia Lachenbruch were married
the other day by justice Of the
peace, and it was all the poor
fellow could do to pronounce
them man and wife.
Now that the Parisians have
gone out into the country, they're
not so wild about Ruhr-al life.
Now that Belasco has been
dragged into the movies, there
lent anything for Flo Ziegfeld to
do except to be dragged into
Sunday school entertainments.
Fashion experts predict the
Egyptian mummy gown for
Spring style. Something to peer
amidi
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
A Doubtful Compliment.

A WOMAN Of fiashy type paid
n visit to a well-known school
with view to placing her boy
there.
She arrived in a limousine,
deliberately dressed and decorated
with jewelry. During her in
terview with the headmaster,
whom she embarrassed and inn
pressed with her grandeur, the
poor man remarked, MADAM.
you remind me of the Queen of
Sheba."
Really" replied the lady. T
had no idea she had a boy at
your school,"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Household
Economies

Run the flivver into the house
and battle the children In It. In
this way you will amuse the
children and cut down on the
garage bill for washing the car.
The water can be heated from
the engine.
II there is any spaghetti left
over after it has been served on
three successive evenings, you
can knit very satisfactory
sweater outof it after dipping Il
in Easter egg dyes.
An old bird cage will make Q
neat frame for your Spring bon
net. The trimming ought not to
cost more than 8 cents. The hat
will come down over the eyes
and be right in style. II you
still have the bird you can get a
chic effect by parking it on the
outside of the cage, just above
your left ear.
You can have on of these EgypD
tian wrap-around dresses at Q
small expense IL you make 1t out
of butchers paper. It's a wrap.
ping paper, anyhow.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
BY CHARLES M. BAYER.

WYIsITOR at the house asked
the other day, How you
' do pump out that Sunday
junk"
We don't mind telling. There's
no copyright on it. The copy's
all wrong.
When we take a whirl with
the muse we try It out on the
better fifty per cent. She mar
ried for better or verse.
The would-be columnist PAGES
the kitchen as though he's taking
mental bites at the income tax
blank. His wife, helpful in dis
tress, suggests:
IF you want to be really funny,
stand in front OF the mirror and
describe what you see. On second
thought, you'd better not. 1t
would be a scream and the police
would be called In to stop the
riot"
So the columnist streaks to the
office. The editor asks, We'll,
how Gomez" And the lad answers,
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Poppy Grams

The movies have such strong
hold on American life that it's
no wonder we have a film on our
teeth.
Ambassador Harvey has re-
turned to England-probably to
roll up his trousers and get to
work.
No. the poultry show in New
York wasn't held under the
auspices of the Coo Clucks.
The brave men who die with
a prayer on their lips don't get
anywhere near the notoriety OF
the reckless men who die with
q flask on their hips.
Coue demonstrates the power
of auto-suggestion by holding
hands, but the girls who thought
that men auto-suggest matrimony
learned that trick years ago.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Famous American Flukes

<<TVTE raise all the vegetables served in this hotel"
w Nobody will be seated after the performance starts"
The lot only three minutes the railroad station
"Ony the most exclusive taken by this company"
"Empoyes Of this hotel allowed accept gratuies"
"The cab fares of this the cheapest town..
Relatives and friends of not allowed the dock"
Ths theatre daily by the Grabal Vacuum Co."
Passengers allowed to stand the platforms"
give Million people have already enjoyed this book"
this the fish bite but the mosquitoes DON'T
"Grls with abbreviated costumes not allowed the beach,
"A will leave this station promptly the
hurry take advantage of this wonderful
this method reduce without exercise dieting"
for meals served of this hotel"
management will allow inattention part
ployes"
will reopen weeks entirely stock"
Gall patrons treated alike. No mail orders considered"
Tickets bought of spectators honored at this theatre"
"Pleny of room in the front Of the car"
"Tomorrow-Fair and warmer"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
His Mistake.

AN .tinerant dog artist in Gen.
- trial Park saw a poodle with a
beautiful long coat sitting at the
feet Of a fashionably dressed
woman. He suggested that the
dog would look better if clipped
in the traditional poodle manner.
She agreed with him, so he took
out his clippers, and after half
an-hour's work had transformed
the dog.
He then asked for payment.
The woman refused and he ex-
postulated.
The woman shrugged her
shoulders. "Why should ] pay?"
she a:.ked. 'It isn't my dogP'
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Plenty of Proof.

CMITHKINS had dined gener-
~ ously and partaken generously
at his club, and on leaving the
room he paused before gigantic
stuffed tarpon in a glass case on
the wall.
He looked earnestly at it, and
then said to his friend: "The
man who caught that fish is q
liarp
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
No Job for Him.

Jim was very much in love, but
" held back his proposal from
sheer Dashfulness. At last he de-
cided TO pop the question by tele-
phone.
mabel, I love your he
gaspe1, his heart humping.
"Will you marry met"
There was moments hesita-
ton before the answer came.
"Of course / will, Arthur.
Why didn't you come and ask me
yourself?"
Then Jim shouted back:
you'll have to break the news
to Arthur yourself. I'll be
hange ! if willv'
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Short Bits of EIun1or

in-law, inquiringly.
"What," went on the blushing
Kathleen, "would you advise me
to get?"
ooh, ] don't really know" re-
piled the other girl, carelessly.
81 could only advise you in gen.
eral terms. From what I know
of him, | should say he would
appreciate something that he
could PAWN easilyp'
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Now He Knows.

IS JACK, dear, I made you be-
q Iieve I wasn't in earnest
when / told you I didn't mean
what I said, didn't II"
81 believe So"
"Well-I take it all back"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
The Place for Him.

The Place for Him.
AVER (suffering from brain
~ fag)I wish I lived in
Sweden; divorces are almost un-
known there.
Friend-Perfectly naturla, my
dear fellow-the land of safety
matches, what?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Useful Gifts for Men.

KATHLEEN blushed prettily as
IA she told the sister Of her
fanca that she would like to buy
a birthday present for him.
"You know him better than l
do" she said, $50 / want your
advice"
"Yes?" said her future sister
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

ledge Meeker SEE he notes by
the papers that the Dardanelles
affair has reached another climax,
an he seq that it will take a diff
ferent kind of an AK than Q cli-
max to kill Turkey.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

If any one wants to speak to
Ole Father Neptune all they got
ter do is jest get him ON the
foam.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

the best melody he ever heard in
a major was when some one filled
Major Jackson of the colored
drum corps with gin the day Of
the G. A. r. picnic.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

Accordin' to the latest fashion
notes they are goin' to quit hav-
in VS. in the backs Of women's
evenin' frocks; but they won't
prevent 'em from cuttin' the VS.
out of papa's trousers pockets.
say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
All the Same.

EATHER-My son, / won't have
= you constantly at the bottom
of the class as you are
Aged Seven (bored)-Can't
see it matters, myself. dad. They
teach the same things at both
ends.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
What | Saw
To-day

(First prize for this week: SEQ
Of solid tin nutpickS.)
7 SAW an actor step up to Q
j boxoffice and buy a theatre
ticket. Hand me the tin nutpickS,
]. FULLER GLOOMSBY.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

(First prize for this week: SEQ
Of solid tin nutpicks.)
7 SAW an actor step up to .
j boxoffice and buy theatre
ticket. Hand me the tin nutpicks,
]. FULLER GLOOMSBY.
To-day while walking In thu
park I saw a prominent Fifth
avenue society woman wheeling
a baby-cab. If this doesn't get
the prize you can count me out
of the contest for all time.
ANNA CONDA
What l saw to-day was q man
buying $50 worth of orchids, and
when he had paid for them he
said: Send them up to my
wife," HOWSoN LOTT.
l saw a woman still wearing
furs and here it Is almost Winter.
A. GUSTAV VINDT.
saw an actress carried down
a ladder by a fireman from a.
burning hotel. She was not at.
tired in expensive negligee, but
was fully dressed.
Lolita GAUL.
I saw a photograph Of q sue.
cessful novelist to-day and in 10
he was not posing with his head
in his hand.
A. BLICKENsDERFER.
l saw a chorus girl deliberately
leading her escort to the subway
for a trip downtown to he. thea
tire. MISS INA SMUDGE.
saw to-day a man who lives
in Boston and he didn't wear
glasses. FRIAR TUCK.
/ saw a woman get off .
street car, and she didn't get OFF
backwards. She got off as if she
had something to live for.
MISS IVA PAINE.
I saw a mouse and a woman In
the same kitchen, and the woman
did not jump on a chair. She
jumped on the mouse.
o. U. DUMMY.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

Somebody asked Danny Green
If he had ever heard Professor
Skimpemoff or somebody's "MeI-
ody in A Major" an Danny said
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
LOTTA GAUL.

saw a photograph Of q sue
cessful novelist to-day and in IL
he was not posing with his head
in his hand.
A RTJCKENSnEP FER
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01
Rural Editor Paragraphs

TONSTABLE CHAM
I says that some of these
mere fresh city speederS
who go tearin' up Main street as
if they had been sent for might
not know much about storage
batteries, but if he ketches 'em
an puts 'em in the calaboose
they'll have a chanel to learn a
lot about dry cells.
Sam Williams, who is a chef
in a swell restaurant down in
New York an who useter be
plain cook and bottle washer
when he was at the Railroad
House, seq he turns over as many
as a hundred bucks in a single
night, an golden ones at that.
Cheese it, Sam; we're on, say we.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

saw an actress carried down
a ladder by a fireman from a.
burning hotel. She was not at.
tired in expensive negligee, but
was fully dressed.
Lolita GAUL.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

saw a woman still wearing
furs and here it Is almost Winter.
A. GUSTAV VINDT.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

What 1 saw to-day was q man
buying $50 worth of orchids, and
when he had paid for them he
said: Send them up to my
wife," HOWSON LOTT.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

saw a chorus girl deliberately
leading her escort to the subway
for a trip downtown to he. thea
tire. MISS INA SMUDGE.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

saw a woman get off .
street car, and she didn't get off
backwards. She got off as if she
had something to live for.
MISS IVA PAINE.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

saw to-day a man who lives
in Boston and he didn't wear
glasses. FR1AR TUCK.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

I saw a mouse and woman In
the same kitchen, and the woman
did not jump on a chair. She
jumped on the mouse.
o. U. DUMMY. i
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-04-01

- UTE . neat point Of law
involved in the recent en-
perience Of q maid in .
, 1923-04-01
Great Novel of HoAywood Lite
BY RUPERT HUGHES

Tho women stood back and watch
ed the two, unnot.ced. Terry star
tied Clnymore by saying:
why do you ROO up your eye
brows thataway?"
DC II" gasped Claymore.
Yep. you do. Looky. this is how
you 60"
AS Clnymore flung back his head
and laughed at the revelation of an
unsupported habit of mien. he caught
sight of Mem in the e~nbrasure OF
the door and demanded;
d. l scrooge UP my eyebrowsT
The little rat say 1 do"
81 hadn't noticed It. but you do"
said Mem. Terry was hilarious with
pride, and Claymore. who distrusted
everything he loved. was a glutton
for humiliation. Ho had chosen a
profession, in which it is frequent,
public and expensive.
~ wish 1 lad this child on the
lot" he sad. We're getting close
TO n big scene in this next picture
where a child is IL and d%eIirious. Tho
boy We had in mind has Just had two
front teeth knocked u in a fight-at
school. They won't look pretty in
n picture.
Claymore. ~directorlike. loved TO dis
cover new talent. dig up gold quartz
in chunks and refine them. He
locked down at tho up-looking boy.
would you like to act for me?"
yep; you bet"
Would you do what I asked you
to?"
His mother said, Hes an awful
You bet"
good little ~tke-never cries or
"Never crlcs?" Claymare gasped.
Except when he's mad"
oh. Wei, he'll cry for me. I
guess. if l ask him to. Won't you.
old MANI"
You bet"
You come over tomorrow and see
the casting director. IN tell him to
bring tho boy TO me, for a test. Does
he know anything about make-up?"
Mem shook her head and answered
with professiona. calm, IN make
him up myself, tomorrow morning
carly"
And now there vas rapture in the
household OF Dack. The widow was
retrieved from the washtub at tho
deserts edge. The son was rescued
from the dull lethargy of n sagebrush
future. a scepter was put in his
hand and he would be raised aloft to
, 1923-04-01

tho other children, and broken up
our beautiful home, and 1 wish I
were lead"
Mrs. Stedcon poured out lies with
spendthrlft zeal in the effort TO com.
fort her and restore her pride. your
father needs a vacation, and your sis
ter Gladys is taking better care OF
the house than / did"
But Mems grief was irredeemable.
Yet there was q benefit in this. Her
heart was so abrim with tears that.
n n scene next day when Claymore
wanted her to ween. he had only 10
call for tears and they gushed in tor =
rents.
And from this enhanced responsive
ness and the aggravated sympathy
1t aroused in his heart came the
great peril that Tirrey has warned
the grill seaiust-tlle peril o of
having 10 sell herself. but OF giving
herself away Just for the gracious
ness ar the deed.
CHAPTER XSXVII.
Ali this while the boy, Terry Dack.
had been troubling Mems conscience.
She had induced the mother to give
up her safe and sane career as a
w-ashervoman and undertake the Pc
culiar offices of mother 10 = prodigy.
But the prodigy had not yet found
his chance 10 provo himself. The
PRODUCERS die not seem TO DO so
eager 20 engage the boy rs Mem had
expected.
As soon as she was installed as an
actress size ventured n cay to ask
Mr.. Tirrey to see tho child; he con-
scented to make an appointment. Mrs.
Dack Numbered her son as carefully
as II he We're a weeks wush. She
starched and ironed him and rend.
cred him generally unnatural. She
was In a panic Of anxiety, but the
boys reaction to this was ono OF
stodgy reserve.
Tirrey kept a number Of famous
candidates waiting while he bent to
receive the tiny petitioner. Tho child
must have found something lacking
In this ELUSIVE courtesy or some of.
tense in its NANTES. conGescension
for he refused ever 10 shake hande
and ~retreate0 into his mothers bosom
like a frightened rabbit.
The more the mother scolded the
more the boy froze. The casting d.
rector was patient. but plainly not
encouraged. He gave UP at length
and asked his assistant. Mr.. Dobbs
to place in the flies a picture OF the