davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

gineers has invented type of rolling
stock capable of hurting the various
stretches where they amt no rails. At
present the company amt paying no
dividends, but the stock can be
boughten for nothing and investors is
advised to put it away in the waste
basket and set pretty till something
nice happens.
Kalamazoo Kiddiekar Korporation I:
A recent ruling by the Supreme Court
of Michigan has made this stock a
sound Investment provided children
continues to be born in the Wolverine
state. The Court ruled that in flu
ture, parents whose child had outgrew
its kiddiekar must destroy same and
not under no circumstances would
they be allowed to lend it or give it
or sell it second hand to other parents
whose child had just reached the kid
dielar age. Thus all parents that
needs a kiddiekar must buy brand
new one from there dealer. The Kor-
poration stock is now selling at what
ever you care to pay and in place of
dividends, the directors sends each
stakeholder a calendar during Xmas
week.
Shelby Bankers Back Golf Ball.
Dirigible Golf Balls: The dirigible
golf ball is the recent invention Of n
man that had his head shot off in the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
1t Wasn't Him

A young married man met friend
of his bachelor days and insisted on
taking him home for lunch. His wife
was 1Inprepared for visitors.
Calling him aside she told him she
had only one dozen oysters, and that
when his friend had eaten his quota
of four he must not be asked to have
any more.
In spite of his promise to remem-
Der, when the guest had eaten his
four oysters the host pressed him to
take more. The wife looked distress
ed. and the friend declined. The hus-
band insisted, the wife looked on in
agony. and the guest refused firmly TO
have the rest of the oysters brought
from the kitchen.
Later. the wife said TO her hus-
band, How could you urge him 10
have more oysters when / had ex-
planned to you that there weren't
any,"
I'm sorry said the penitent
husband, "but I forgot about it."
Forgot. What do you suppose I
was kicking you under the table for:"
retorted his wife.
But you didn't kick me-" said the
husband.-Kansas City Star.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

~ Complimentary Badge to the Races.
HE walked out 10 the Track so as to
saske the Expenses as reasonable as
possible,
As soon as he was in the Ring a
Tout took him back of Hot Sausage
Rooth and told him not to give it out.
but Green Pill in the first race was
sure 10 win, as a man could throw
am Anvil. and to hurry and get a
Piece of Money on. Uncle Brewster
looked at the Entries an. began to
Culver. He wished that Doc Jim.
mison could be there to Advise him.
Green Pill was 80 to 1 and the Tout
had his information from a Stable
Boy who slept with the Horse.
A reckless Spirit seizet. Uncle Brew
ster. He said he would take a Chance
even if he didn't know for sure that he
would win. So he walked up to a
Bookie and said to him: II want to
bet fifty cents on Green Pill, and this
is a Dollar here SO you want to give
me fifty cents change" Whereupon
the Bookie told him to Back Up and
Fade and do Disappearing Speciality.
Uncle Brewster Escaped and found
himself at Bar. He decided that he
would take Drink, because he
wouldn't be Home until next Day and
by that time it would be off his
breath.
Sc he laid his Bosom against the
Brass Railing and said to the Man,
Have you any eight per cent Near
Beer with a real Tack in it,"
"You know it," said the Barkeep.
regarding Uncle Brewster without a
Sign Of Enthusiasm.
"What do you git for a Bottle?"
asked Uncle Brewster.
"Seventy-five cents" was the reply
of the Clerk.
Keep it," said Uncle Brewster.
Perceiving that the Race-Track
was in the hands of Gougers, Uncle
Brewster walked back to the Hotel.
BY that time his new Shoes had
crippled him, and he decided to take
the afternoon train for Home instead
OF waiting Over.
That Evening he was back at his
own Fireside, with the bunged-up
feet resting in Carpet Slippers. As
| he sat and read the Poultry Magazine
Aunt Mahaly looked at him sidewise
and full Of Suspicion said, 81 suppose
you just Played Hob there in the
City"
And Uncle Brewster replied as fol-
lows: mo, Mother. l didn't Drink
and I Didn't Gamble. l didn't do
Nothin'-not even go to a Theayter. VI
And as he spoke an Aureole OF
Virtue seemed TO curdle above him
while his Countenance bore an FIX
preston of Placid Triumph. which
meant that he was a real Asbestos
Paragon who had been tried in the
Furnace and declared Non-Com
bustible.
Copyright. 1928. by the Bell Syndicate
MORAL: Some People are Coco
because it Comes High to be Other.
wise.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Ncic
NeoA,

big League ball parks and in the
three weeks nave managed to Oh
$25.75 by giving people box seats
belonged to somebody else. l am
in n position to take gambling char
with my money, but would like n
advice on how to. invest it in sou
diversified list Of say 5 or 6 divi,|
paying stocks. e.. Nj. u
Reply: We would recommend
purchase of the following: . shi
of Dallas Burnt Match Preferred
$3.50 per share; 1 share of Child
Worm Cannery at $1,000; = qui
of Canadian Ale at $50 per qua
) sticks Philadelphis Used Chew
Gum at sol per stick; the balance
gilt-edged Face Cards out of a
ochle deck. t.-..s
Sir: l am a widow who entA
the ring after the Willard-Dem
fight at Toledo and picked NJ sew
teeth which l have just managed
sell as souvenirs for q total losk
S1.50. Am anxious to invest
amt. in questionable govt. or mi
cipal bonds and wished you VI
name me a few. WIDOW
Reply: Russian Soviet 3 lbs;
lahoma City Alert Fire Dept. 6s;s
Klux z per cent treasury notes:
eral Baseball League As; Rhode 4
and Red 5 lbs.
Copyright, 1928, by the Bell SyndiI Z
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
lO1nn
Sims
SayS

Mrs. Coolidge is a good knitter.
So is her husband when it comes
to knitting his brows.
Dubuque (Ia.) man won an en-
broidery prize. Men are making 1t
now. They may wear it some day.
People bothered to death by insur-
ance men may enjoy learning one is
in Jail in Akron, Ohio.
Duluth (Minn.) jury says dry agent
must take only IS drinks. Doesn't
it depend on how dry he is?
Photographing the eclipse from an
airplane 10000 feet high eclipses
anything so far.
An insane man may run for office
in Buffalo, which is nothing new.
Detroit scrubwomen went to work
in her auto, proving they charge in
Detroit like they do here.
Ten were arrested for sleeping in
a Chicago theater. We think we have
seen that show.
New York brides baby weighs half
ton, so of course it is baby ele-
plant given as a present.
Chimney has been built in Ana
conda, Mont, $50 feet high, causing
many cricks in farmers necks.
Thin summer dresses are all right.
One enabled a Chicago girl to tear
loose from a robber.
Madura girls of IA are old maids.
They hardly have learned to smoke
at that age here.
This bees knees, cats pajamas,
gnat's eyebrows conversation is get
! ting TO be the snakes hips.
Nobody wins a dance. The couples
come out neck and neck.
The social butterfly steers clear of
the wall flower.
Our radio sounds as il she needs a
new needle.
A social lion is one who thinks he
is the cats whiskers.
Thinking is great pastime. But
if you don't do it right it will get
you into lots Of trouble.
As leaves are falling from the trees
hay fever comes in with a sneeze.
The last rose Of summer usually
arrives with the first nose of winter,
All the teachers who failed to get
married are back at work again.
Hobo College is after the Box
peace prize. Bet their answer will
be TO handcuff brakemen.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

last Balkan war. The ball is marked
on four sides with the initials n. s.
Il. and w. meaning north, south, east
and west and is so constructed that
for inst. when the direction you want
to shoot is north, you tee the ball so
as the initial Y faces the desired line
of flight and the ball can't 60 in no
other direction only north. The patent
was boughten right out by a little
group of willful bankers from Shelby.
Montana. and the stock is now selling
at par II.
San Francisco Owl Car: This COM
pany specializes in owl cars and sells
them to traction companies on condi-
tion that they won't be used except as
the last car at night. The roofs of the
cars is equipped with nests for boot
owls and has proved great boom for
people who has stayed out late, but
promised to get home and can't afford
taxi. Like for inst. you are in n
saloon, why you don't want to keep
running out every time you hear a
street car gong and ask the motorman
if that is the last car or if it is safe
to wait for another. Where the new
Owl Cars is included in the conf
pany's rolling stock, why you don't
half to move from wherever you are
until you hear the boots which is audi
Bile at distants of blocks and then
you know that here is your last
chance TO keep your promise and get
home. San Francisco Owl Car is a
close corporation and stool: can't be
boughten. but that don't stop nobody
from " Ming it and when a stock can
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

He walked over to buy a Cigar, but
he happened to see the IS for SOC"
Label and his Feet got cold.
So, instead of buying a Cigar, he
conversed with the Proprietress. lie
seemed to be a Success with her, and
ventured TO say that he was n
Stranger in Town and would like first
rate to go out to 4 Lecture or some
other kind Of Entertainment that
Evening if he could find Nice Girl
that didn't mind going with Respect
able Man who could give References,
and besides was nearly old enough to
be her Father. Then after the Lecture
they could go to First-Class Restau-
rant and have an Oyster Stew.
Uncle Brewster had read the Illus
trGted Papers in the Barber Shop out
home. and he certainly knew what
was Expected of a Man who wanted
to give a Gay Girl the Time of her
Life.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

The Cigar and Literary Girl said she
would be Charmed to Accompany him
only for one thing: She said she
didn't have Hat that was Fit to
Wear. She said she could tell by his
Looks that he was a Gentleman that
wouldn't want to go anywhere with
Lady whose Lid was Tacky. Pos
sibly he would be willing to Stake her
to Hat.
what would the Hat come to?''
asked Uncle Brewster, somewhat
Leary.
"Only Nineteen Dollars she re.
Piled
III Think it Over" Quoth Uncle
Brewster. in a choking Voice and he
was so Groggy he walked into the
Elevator instead of going out the
Street Door.
A Little while later Uncle Brewster
met an Acquaintance who gave him
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Uncle Brewster and the Tempter

When Uncle Brewster had pus On Ms
Annual Collar and eomhei his Ssz-,s
and was about 20 start fe- the nera..
his Wife, Aunt NSh&ly Looked :. hizs
through her SnecS and shock Ae- HeaS
doub;fully. Tt~n sire speAe IS ~.
lows: You 80 slow there in tie CS.y.
You know your Eailia'S NOG'rc Srs,
full Of the Old Harry. .ai when Yea X
He; Up you're jus; like as not 10 Raise
i guess I can take kee- Q. -ysef
shout IS well SIS the Next oae." ~
tertei Uncle Brewster. I've bee, 70
the mill an got nv Grist. il aay cze
should ask. l amt no SAP
With that he started for the Train
wAi'h was due in one hour.
As hs rode toward the Great City
be smoked & Baby MiaS Cigar pur-
chased Of the Butcher. and told the
Brakeman 4 few Joe Millers just -
throw out the Impression that he was
Fine and Fancy. After he had Regis
tered az the Hotel and swelled up
properly when addressed SIS Mister"
by the Clerk. he wanted 20 know if
there was a lively Show in Town.
The Clerk told him 10 follow the
Street until he came 70 all the Flee
tTic Lights. and there he would find
Revue. Uncle Brewster found the
Place and looked in through the Hole
at an Assistant Treasurer, who was
Pale and wore Red Vest.
Il want 4 Chair near the Band"
said Uncle Brewster. How much
docs ono of 'ar, Eetchg-
"Four-plus the War Tax" replied
the Assistant Treasurer, pulling down
his Cuffs and then examining himself
in a small Mirror at one side of the
Diagram.
Great Grief" calculated Uncle
Brewster. II only paid Thirty-five
Cents for the Glass Blowers an Ill
warrent you they can beat your
Troupe as bad as Crauberries beats
IGlue. III see you plumb in Halifax
before /"
STAND aside. please said the As
sistant Treasurer. Uncle Brewster saw
a Policeman, and thought it his Duty
to tell the Officer that the Theater
Folks were a Pack of Robbers.
Up an Alley" said the Policeman.
Instead of going to n Show Uncle
Brewster stood in front of Clothing
store and watched the Wax Figures.
When he got back to his room the
Bell-Hop came around and asked
him if he cared to sit in Quiet
Game. Uncle Brewster wanted to
know whether they were Gamblers or
Business Men, and the Boy said they
were Business Men. 1t was al
Friendly, with an Ante of Two Bits
and the Chandelier as the Limit
Uncle Brewster said he was accus
toned to playing with Lima Beans
three for a Cent and one call two ant
no fair to Bluff. The Bell-Hop told
him to turn in and get a Good Night:
Rest.
Next morning at the Hotel. he spot
ted stylish little Chunk of a Woman
who kept the Cigar Case and SOLD
Books with Actress Photos on the out
side.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
A Few Marginal Notes
BY o. o. M'INTYRE.

The most understanding folk,in the
world are those who have suffered.
When cares of the world grow weighty
/ go to visit a night elevator operator.
He has in the past year lost his wife.
His little girl, the apple of his eye,
is IN an Adirondack tuberculosis camp.
He is himself, drawn and ravaged by
asthma. Yet he has time to listen
and be sympathetic to the woes of
others. He is a sort Of pale, dream
ing philosopher.
We have a way of brushing aside
the grief of others as something re-
mote. We may be genuinely touched
and our medium of expression sin
ccre yet the hurry of life often pre-
vents us from doing our full duty
Recently a friend of mine lost his
son. Mine was the usual telegraphic
coincidence. In a few weeks my
friend, the father. followed the sol
10 the heavenly reward. ] know now
1 should have gone 10 a nearby city
to see him in his hour Of anguish. II
would have t.Sen very little Of my
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Advice to Investors
To The Editor:
By RING LARDNER

To The Editor:
In response to nation wide de-
mand this column has decided to de-
vote one day per annum or more to in
formation of interest to investors but
will state in advance that the state
ments contained herein is not guaran-
-teed but is the result of INSCRIPTIONS
inquirys by our hose of trained stu
dents of market conditions.
Rayside & Roslyn Traction: We
amt sure that this is the real name
of the alleged street car line to which
we refer, but any way it is a line that
was laid out to run from Bayside to
Roslyn, Long Island, and had mile
age of over 10 miles before SOMEBODY
tore part of it up and throwed it in
the ashcan. That the system is con-
Quoted on a economic basis is showed
by the fact that in the 3 and IL years
which we been living within n stones
throw of this line, they amt been a
car ran over it in either direction, but
it is now said that the company will
resume operations as soon as there en-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Like Mother Made

A young husband criticised the bis
cults his bride served him for break
fast, employing the usual stereotyped
comparison. Instead of weeping, as
some brides would, she got busy and as
result of her work she set before
him the next morning plate of hot
biscuits alleged to be the real thing
"Now you've got it," he exclaimed
delightedly as he sampled the new
lot. "These are exactly like mother
used TO make. How did you happen
to hit upon the recipe?"
Its no great secret" said his wife
with glittering eyes. II put in oleo in
stead of butter, used cold storage eggs
dropped bit of alum in the floui
and adulterated the milk. Remember
sweetheart, that mother lived before
the enactment of the pure food law.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

be got for nothing SO much better 4
investment.
New England Oil: As a rule Il
dept. would not think of recommel
ing the stock of oil company wifi
did not own established, paying wei
but believes that investors will MAJ
no mistake in buying into the NJ
England Oil Company which \
started something new in the way
oil venture. This company has
wells as all but has invented II
Of scraper that goes along the au|
mobile roads on which oil has ID
poured by employees of the highwD
commission, scrapes up this n
dumps it into large containers, tai
it to its own refinery and then sd
it buck to the highway commissf|
to be poured on the roads again. MI
Of the scraring is done at night all
the state police is either in bed 1r
drinking party.
New England Oil is a non-dividi'
paying Curb stock. but can be boua|
en- through relatives.
Answers to Queries.
Sir: am an Usher in one Of |
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

tips but because he was considerate
of them. If they made a mistake he
never complained to the management.
If anyone of them fell i'll he went to
see him carrying bon-bons or flowers.
In New York, life is composed large
ly of externals. We judge by what
we see. The celluloid collar is a sign
of yokelry and white spats indicate
the city slickcr. The suave conf
dence man is sartorially perfect and
that is why he has so many unsus-
pecting duDes. They trust his clothes.
We have an idea that gentility goes
with the refined atmosphere or en-
vironment, One Of the most genteel
persons of my acquaintance is Court
ney Ryley Cooper. the writer, who has
spent the greater part of his life
knocking about with the circus. His
association has been with canvas-men,
stake-pullers, shillabers and others of
perhaps the toughest crew that ever
hit the grit.
A minute may change the channels
OF many lives. On the waiting plat
form of a railroad terminal L saw a
man and woman engrossed in CONVEX
satiOn. He was pleading with her.
His face was set and white. For a
| time she heard his entreaties with calm
indifference. She appeared very much
| bored. Then you could see soften
ing of her expression. She appeared
to be giving in. "All aboard" shout
ed the conductor. She stepped quick
~ inside. The train Numbered out.
he slumped away and at the gates
| Rugged closely to him two fair-haired
children while tears streamed down his
face.
At Monte Carlo there is n silver
haired old man who walks every eve
ming along the Terrace as the mists
gather from the Mediterranean. Sew
eral years ago he was on his way TO
the Casino 10 find his sor who was
gambling recklessly. Just outside the
entrance friend stopped him TO chat
for n few moments. He went on in
and arrived just 4 minute after his
son shot himself.
Across the street from me there is
a man who sits at a desk. We have
an unusual acquaintance. We have
never met in any way nor do we even
know each other by name. Yet I fee
he is my friend and | would like tC
think he feels the same way. We wave
a friendly greeting each morning and
a farewell ut night when he closes
his desk. Sometimes he will wait al
the window if I happen TO be away
from mr. desk so | will not be neg
lected witE the farewell
Copyright, 1923, by the McNaught
Syndicate, Inc.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Time. to Go

A close-fisted man was invited
friend, who had recently install
receiving set in his house, to come
listen in. There being nothing to
the mean man gladly accepted til
vitation, and was both impressed
delighted. Towards the close of
evening there was sermon, deli,
at a church miles away by an
nent Nonconformist divine. Pre-
ly the words came through:
now, brethren. there will be sp
collection" Immediately, the
rose, took the phones from his
held out his hand and exclaimed ::
well, I'm afraid l must be going,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Had to Be Careful.

Marjorie Spiers, the English act
tells n story about an actress +
Of hers who was travelling from j
pool to London in order to beg
new metropolitan engagement.
turally her luggage was some
bulky, and the porter to whom
confided it at Lime Street ST
was surly, and wouldn't pass so II
"You can't ave luggage like
he declared, mot unless you vi
theatrical" swell, ] am a theatr|
explained the lady. Then why d
you say so at first?" demanded
porter. Il can't go so round d
passengers if they're theatrical
don't want to insult en-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

story of s,atuesQue show girl. who
had a toe amputated, off the frs.
page.
Vanity al times goes hand in hand
with genius. This producer-and his
name is Flo Ziesfeld-waS and is a
master hand in his particular line.
Publicity made him purr. Yet he Was
the only vain person I ever. knew who
did not keep scrap book. ''Zissy
by the way is gwen 10 purple shirts
with collars 10 match and green fe-
GOras.
The vain person IS more often than
rot one who has very kind diSpoSi-
ton. l used secretly 70 desnise =
fellow who lived in my hotel. Every
evening for dinner be would dress
in full evening attire-top hat. non
ocle and gold-headed black ebody stick.
He was given 70 posing about the
lobby and telling impossible stories 10
the newsstand girls. Yet he was sure
the favarite guest among the servants.
He was not so favored because Of his
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
Lesson in Life

Cohen placed ladder against the
side of the house and then called his
son. Able. aged and made him
mount to the top, "Now jump" COM
mslded Cohen.
I'm frightened" replied Able.
Cohen held out his arms. ado as
pana tells you-jump-papa is here. "
Finally Able did iump. Cohen
stepped aside and Able fell with a
bump.
Let that teach you n lesson never
to trust nobody" said Cohen.-Phila-
delphia Record.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
What Do You Know About That!

THE FACT that New York people don't know
ceived as present handsome silver
wine
RITZ TO- H FRI n that the @ think nn bad flor form
PAINT ON msr s spe to be- p ge s s n R es
bad Orm to the back them.
n 4dsdsr for By s %as a cha ase ser
THAT ADOPTED National Bank its home
the waits and Monday morning and then
probably proposition all the time But pussy never
which ASp SOw hip 81 s'; % that The
ssIsTs: INF NJ % ssSiss
fire s NEXT m s"a
Or e kerosene the put Gs s5Hs ias
fat not walk dress T sSe
fss % 1S y n h into one mammoth egg
cUss @ INTENDED int d debate sends ' Fart
ss oS question sH v Ss
advancing decide
HIGH STUDENT who evidently ha: been stSI STi4s The
% 9 Se n @ troubles He BE- s1dS1 spelling
the governors backward.
ANOTHER who appreciates the difficulty , filling
deals nuts nd two squirrels Oa f pets RG making
AN ENTERPRISING DOG RAISER procured the names OF three fam
lilies
bull in the yard. -
STATISTICS SHOW 100000 bananas
United States Maybe the after all
DISGUISED SOUTH SIDE father
obeT day that pencils
poster: THERE 1 a1 %HR Used aa. Who criticized choice r
G. v after
expression
B. ASSERTS who said kissing Cir
in an automobile is all right conservative