davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
BONEHEADERS

Well. Joe, see you have
Returned back again. How'd va
like
Gittin' back to the old works?
Me? 1 ain9 stuck on gittin' back
An returnin' to the mines,
Believe me, Mike, when my va
cation
Was over felt like the judge
was
Sayin', "One year-hard labor;
That's me. Mike. amt got no use
For gettin' back to the old
sweatshop a'tall. Work amt my
middle name, Mike. An I'd Just
got
Started havin' a rest when they
pulled.
The comeback stuff on me- I'd
Gots a chance to look around
and begin
To see where was at when ding
ding,
Buy your ticket. all aboard. watch
your
step an back to the mines for me.
Well, Joe. I s'pose you had a good
time,
Anyway, out to where you went?
Me? Had good time? Where
do you
Git that stuff? I didn't have
time
To have no good time!
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
PEPPYGRAMS

Some men like sea bathing-all
men, however, like to see bathing.
When a man offers to let YOU
in on the ground floor, the
chances are that let in you mos.
certainly will be.
When they say a poet seems to
lack something, it's safe bet that
it's mainly money.
Don't tar all bucketeers with
the same brush-no brush is big
enough, and there's not enough
tar.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
WE WONDER

How a man ever has room
enough to get a coin out of his
pocket in a telephone booth.
II petting parties weren't con-
celVed by an enterprising hair
net manufacturer.
Why those 1000 per cent divi-
dend oil companies ever want
to part with their stock.
II ferryboat shoeshine ever
lasts until the other shore is
reached.
Who recommends grave.
digger.
II you'd call the masculine
equivalent of a flapper a flap
jack
II an aviator's wife looks
through the air pockets.
Wnen Q Swiss cheese sand.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
DID TEVER?


Did fever grab the nearest girl
when the lights went out at the
masked bah and then discover that
you'd kissed your. sister?
Did fever get invited to a the
ater party and get stuck for eight
tickets because the absent-nninded
host had left his pocketbook at
home?
Did fever start Dragging about
how fast your new car could 80
on the open highway, and then find
out that you were talking to a
motorcycle cop?
Did fever have to buy another
ticket to a dance because you had
lost the first one and then find
the original ticket the next day?
Did fever complain to the land
lord that your flat was too cold
just one day before the building
caught fire and burned your arms
and legs to blisters?
Did fever decide to take the
day off because the boss said he
wouldn't be down to the office
and then discover that he had
shown up after all? j
Did fever give your wife's
brother fifty dollars to get him
out of, the house only to learn that
your mother-in-law.w was coming on
for a visit?
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

wien gets old enough to walk
does 1t have Swiss movement.
If landlords are always build
ing castles in the air.
If it isn't dangerous to order
spaghettl In one arm lunch
room.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
FOUL BALLS

The girl who asked you to run
out and get her a sandwich at
the ball game just when the home
team was staging a big rally in
the eighth inning.
The book agent who held you
spellbound with his line Of chat
ter while the biscuits in the oven
burned to a crisp.
The landlord who dropped in to
help you finish the last bottle of
home brew and then asked you
: IL you could slip him the next
months rent.
The reckless driver who almost
knocked you off in the middle Of
the street and then bawIed you
out for getting in, the way.
The insurance agent who tells
you that you ought to take out
policy because you are looking
bad.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
NJ EDB u R Y
S A Y S
Bv John p. Medbury.

Bv John p. Medbury.
A CHICAGO woman has
- "a opened a school for teach
a Aing young brides how to
get their husbands UP in the
morning. What, the wives want
to know most is how to get them
home at night.
No matter how much you
study, it's impossible to get him
mp when you can't find him.
Statistics prove that married
their husbands. Why shouldn't
: they. they get to bed four or five
hours sooner.
It's hard for q man to get up
ut seven when he doesn't get
home until six.
p Most women have to call their
husbands nine or. ten times be-
fore they get up, and it's a shame
: what they sometimes have to call
them.
. But one woman has d great
system, she always calls him for
the last time first.
She slaps his face and pulls
him out of bed and warns him
afterwards.
She tried tying an alarm clock
Ito each one Of his ears, but they
sounded like chimes and he mag
ined he was in church and went
back to sleep again.
Once she threatened to leave
him If he didn't wake up. He
wasn't asleep, but he made be-
neve he was.
Now when she threatens to
leave him he doesn't pay any at
tention because he knows he
can't depend upon her.
Finally she divorced him be-
cause he snored. He snored so
loud he even kept himself awake.
She told the Judge that she had
f. 90 burn the bed to get her hus-
band Gut Of il I'm the morning.
Then she cried right in court
because her husband was so lazy
that he went and bought himself
. pair of asbestos pajamas.
She claimed that when he went
10 bed he buried himself SO deep
that Il took three men to dig him
out.
~g@1uSs nhBpdndS 0erenSe was that
his wife made him insane by
forcing him to sleep. under a
crazy quilt.
He said that when he went to
bed by his watch he wasn't 60
ing to get up by her clock.
One guy liked to snooze SO well
that his wife hit him over the
head with a poker, and now he's
sleeping permanently.
This school may be all right
but there's only one sure way Of
getting your husband up. Lock
the front door before he comes
home at night, and then go down.
stairs in the morning and sweep
him off the front porch.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

When you read that a golfer did
eighteen holes in 145. it means
that he did 1t in that many curses.
Your clothes must be ref1ec-
ton Of yourself" says a fashion
expert. Maybe this explains why
uIq1 os suIlass uesq eABq sssseAp
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

!. According to a reformer. every
kiss is nail in your coffin. II
this is true, some girls have col
lected enough Of them to start
hardware store.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

When you see minute steak.
on a restaurant menu it means
that you should pronounce the adj
jective with the accent on the last
syllable.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

This school may be all right
but there's only one sure way Of
getting your husband up. Lock
the front door before he comes
home at night, and then go down.
stairs in the morning and sweep
him off the front porch.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

An electric lamp has been in.
vented with two sets Of filaments
instead Of one. The advantage Of
this is that the explosion will be
twice as loud when the bulb Ii hit
bysa flying rolling pin.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

. It's hard for q man to get up
at seven when he doesn't get
home until six.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

No matter how much you
study, it's impossible to get him
M when you can't find him.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

Most women have to call their
husbands nine or ten times be-
fore they get up, and it's a shame
what they sometimes have to call
them.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

Statistics prove that married
women get up much earlier than
their husbands. Why shouldn't
they. they get to bed four or five
hours sooner.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

But one woman has d great
system, she always calls him for
the last time first.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

She tried tying an alarm clock
ito each one Of his ears, but they
sounded like chimes and he imag.
ined he was in church and went
back to sleep again.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

A CHICAGO woman has
= A opened a school for teach
- Aing young brides how to
get their husbands UP in the
morning. What the wives want
to know most is how to get them
home at night.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

The husbands defense was that
his wife made him insane by
forcing him to sleep under a
crazy quilt.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

She slaps his face and pulls
him out of bed and warns him
afterwards.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

There are 10000 professional
Chemists in the United states.
but this does not include the men
who have learned how to make
home brew in the last four years.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

He said that when he went to
bed by his watch he wasn't 60
ing to get up by her clock.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

One guy liked to snooze so well
that his wife hit him over the
head with a poker, and now he's
sleeping permanently.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

She claimed that when he went
10 bed he buried himself SO deep
that Il took three men to dig him
3 ant.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

Once she threatened to leave
him If he didn't wake up. He
wasn't asleep, but he made be-
ueVe he was.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

Then she cried right in court
because her husband was so lazy
that he went and bought himself
o pair of asbestos pajamas.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14
FIGURE IT OUT

Y The Chinese are famous because
they invented printing. ana yet
the only persons who can read ii
are laundrymen.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-09-14

Now when she threatens to
leave him he doesn't pay any at
tentiOn because he knows he
can't depend upon her.
The Bozeman courier. (Bozeman, Mont.) 1919-1954, 1923-11-14

cut out this coupon gel tire fs~ixs want list together bring the wits as ns
aa com to this sale We are goug to umiss the gasoline Y~ nil easily hAa
values Great enough to induce YOU to purchase $500 worth II m@chandNe-the Eecss
.av amount 10 secure a coutvdgned FREE GAS COUPON. We suggest that you
start from home early Store service is always better earlier in tat gay W want
YOU 70 come and make r store yur headquarters v6e in owl We CO net want
go to feel IN anyway obligated Il. BAY Co~e ad ~se a day Of it. We r'~sS
gMd s ave y@.
The Bozeman courier. (Bozeman, Mont.) 1919-1954, 1923-11-14
Nov. 70 at 10 a. m. ?
Genuine Hope Muslin

The resl article-36ineh finely blesehed HOPE MUSLIN
so mucs iN demand for all manner Of sevius Evsrv ,xon,on
kaows very well that il always sells in the
regular W&y at from IS to 27 cents. We
have a lot Of it that somebody is goinp ~
to buy for ~
The Bozeman courier. (Bozeman, Mont.) 1919-1954, 1923-11-14
19C Gold Decorated

Cereal dishes in two sizes; a small size
suitable for berry er desert dishes, aEs !
l4rgsr size suitable for cereal dishes. UNi-
fora Homer Laughlin white glazed ware
with seat gold decoration around the a.
soges. Regular 19c values. Yeur ekeite ~
DOWNSTAIRS
The Bozeman courier. (Bozeman, Mont.) 1919-1954, 1923-11-14

You have read about merchandise sa
shattered. But your idea and our ide
the same. Undoubtedly it seems to
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
CONSIDER zoNING BILL

The Zoning bill introduced at the winter session which created great interest in Birmingham will be re- committed to the committee on mu- nicipal organizations the hope that the segregation Sectionmay be changed to meet the approval of the people f the house accedes to the request of the committee. The members or the committee voted during the aft ernoon to request the house to re- turn the bill for a further consid- eration. It was given favorable re- port with amendments in February and is now on the calendar for con- sideration.
 G. w. Yancey, representative of the real estate board of Alabama, re- ouested the committee to give fur ther consideration to. the segregation sections. He said there is need for segregation and that all cities are attempting to solve the problem. He expressed the opinion that the sug- gestion which he will make when the bill is returned to the committee will be within the constitution. MT. Yancey mentioned that the bill Is merely an enabling act and that the duty of defining the size of buildings and restricting construction and llm- iting the use to which the buildings may be applied will be placed on the municipal government. TraVls Wll- liams member of the committee raised the point that similar laws in unconstitutional by the supreme court on the ground that the consti- tuition prohibits restrictions on the acquiring of real estate and other property by various classes of peo- ple.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
LEGISLATIVE BILL
 DRAWN TO UNITE
 ALBANY DECATUR
TWin-Cities May Join Hands After Years of
 Rivalry
TENNESSEE VALLEY BUREAU
 THE AGE-HERALD AlhnnN.Decntnr \ Ala Inln. 10

The Twin Cities of Albany and De- catur, Alabama, will be united as a single municipality after a decade of enmity by the terms of bill be- ing drawn for introduction into the Alabama legislature and which will in all likelihood pass. The measure, which will be called Decatur, the older of the two municipalities, until the people can vote on a name.
 The bill will be introduced In the legislature now in session by Repre- sentative John A. Patterson of AL bany, and sponsored by Representa- A commission form of government Is provided until the citizens can vote on the kind of government desired Two commissioners would be ap- pointed by the governor from AL bany, the larger city, and one from Decatur. The board of education under the bill will have five mem bers, three from Albany and two from Decatur.
 The union of the two cities would create municipality with nearly 15,000 inhabitants. According to the census of 1920, Albany had 7,652 citf- zens and Decatur 4,752. The com bined city would rank eighth in the state, being only exceeded by Bir- mingham, Mobile, Montgomery Bes- semer Annston, Selma and Gads- den. Albany now ranks thirteenth
 in size.
 The two enterprising cities on the banks of the Tennessee river are to all intent and purpose one city now
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
Greensboro Civitan Club Tells President Rogers County Hasn't Single Federal Project

GREENSBORO, Ala, July 12.- Special. )-Hale county is up in fighting clothes at the failure of the highway commission to start fed eral aid project in the county. It is one of three counties in the state where no road projects have been started, it is said, and the Civitan club of Greensboro has directed q telegram to President John A. Rogers of the commission. protesting al the delay in getting work under way in Hale.
 Some few weeks ago, the Civitan club of Greensboro. in an effort to secure action, called a mass meeting of the citizens of Hale county, and this mass meeting unanimously passed a resolution petitionlnS the state highway commission to come into Hale county with the federal and state engineers and select a route through the county from the several proposed. This mass meet ing selected a committee of repre- sentative citizens, together with a committee of the civitan club, went before the state highway commission in Montgomery and presented the
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
COMMITTEE WILL COMBINE SEPARATE MEASURES IN ONE
Segregation Section May Be Added To City Zoning
 Bill
STATE CAPITAL, BUREAU l
 THE AGE-HERALD Montgomery, Ala, JuLN 12 l

Bills submitting to the voters of Birmingham three forms of govern ment, the commission, aldermanic and council manager, will be har- monized by the house committee on municipal organizations and will be reported to the house for action as one measure. This decision was reached by the commission Thursday afternoon following the appearance before the commission of Irving En- gle and Mrs. Richard r. Johnson of Birningha who urged the submis- sion of the question as to whether or not the city should adopt the coun- cil manager form.
 MT Engle and Mrs. Johnston told the committee that they were anxious to have the voters pass upon each form of government and were will which will include the suggestions of those interested in the alder manic and commission forms. Members of the Jefferson dele gation in the house also requested the committee not to make any re- port on the bills until those favoring the aldermanic plan had submitted their bill. Information was given the committee that a Birmingham attorney had drawn a bill submitting the question as whether or not the city should return to the old system whereby the city was governed by a mayor and board of aldermen and that it will be brought to Montgom- cry during the week.
 Henry R. Howze, who introduced the council manager bill, told the committee hat the Jefferson delega- tion was committed to the submis- sion of the three forms at one cleo Iion in order that the voters may establish their own government. The same statement was made by Lewis Bowen, l.. K. Bowen and Mark L.. deter, members of the Jefferson dele gation.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
ME ERCHANT BURNS TO DEATH WHILE
 RESCUINC COUPLE
Negro Also Badly Burned lnI Fire Near The City
 Of Leighton
TENNESSEE VALLEY BUREAU THE AGE-HERALD
 Sheffield. Ala. July IA

In an effort to save the lives Of MT, and Mrs. Toney Gargis, an aged couple whose home was destroyed by, fire of unknown origin near Leighton' last night after 10 o'clock, Glover Reed, 35, a merchant of Leighton, lost( his life and Allen Qualls, negro, was probably fatally burned.
 MT. Reed was rushed from the scene of the fire to the Colbert county hos pital in Sheffield where he died Thursday morning at o'clock. Qualls is said to have made a state ment that he and Reed were on the way from Leighton to Tuscumbia in the latter's automobile when they dis covered the fire and that their first thought was to arouse the aged couple.
 Qualls says that he carried N Gargis from the building but e Gargis in his excitement locked door but that he broke open a WI dow and saw Reed wrapped in flames making his way toward a window Gasgis was rescued but was burned about his face and legs.
 William Gambill of Sheffield who passed in car shortly after the res cue of Mir. and Mrs. Gargis brought the injured men to Sheffield and
 Mir. Reed was unmarried but Is sur vived by an invalid father who has been cared for by him.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
Slowness or Highway Board Exasperating To Hale County

resolution, and stated to the com mission that if it would come and select route through the county in the manner suggested, that the peo- pie of the county would unanimously be behind it's selection, and would render all aid possible to the com mission.
 The chairman of the highway com mission, in answer to the petition, said that he and the engineers would visit Hale county shortly in com plance with the wishes of the peti- tioners. The promised visit not hay ing been made, nor any excuse for delay given, the Civitan club, at d meeting held on Tuesday, sent the following wire to the chairman, John A. Rogers, of the state highway com mission:
 The Civitan club of Greensboro in session today, directed that a mes sage be sent you, respectfully, regis- tering protest at the eXasperatiug delay of your commission in taking steps to promote the first unit of good roads in Hale county We were promised in June that you and a representative of the federal hi gh- way department, would shortly come 10 make iniatory inspections. Thus far, this promise has not been kept. The citizens of Hale county were almost unanimous in voting for the bond issue for good roads, and they have been woefully sighted and dis regarded in their desires to start good road projects"
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
SAYS DEMOCRATS MILL MIN

Congressman E. l.. Almon spent some time with relatives here Thurs day. He said the democrats had a splendid opportunity to capture the presidency, that Congress would ac- cept the Ford bid, that he was sure the Alabama state senate would du- plicate the action of the house in favor of placing a statue in the hall of fame at Washington of General Joseph Wheeler. In speaking of the situation at Tuskegee, Congressman Almon said he was one of the con- gressmen who wired Director Hines of the veterans bureau in opposition to the plans to substitute a negro personnel at the government hos pital at Tuskegee.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
woRTHINGToS OPTIMISTIC

On his way home to Sheffield from Montg omery on Thursday Col. J. W. Warrington stayed several hours In the Twin Cities and greatly encour- aged the people here as to the ac- ceptance of the Ford offer or a bet ter one for Muscle Shoals. Colonel Warrington was here to see John w. Knight and Clyde Hendrix relative to the payment of pledges of Albany and Decatur to the Tennessee Valley Improvement association. Colonel Warrington told these men the pledges must be paid in full by July 23 as certain contracts of the asso- citation expired at that time.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
HUNTSVILLELANDMARk GIVES WAY TO GARAGE
Mayor Lived In Historic House During Civil War
 TENNESSEE VALLEY BUREAU
 THE AGE-HERALD
 la, .July |

Worllmen have begun tearing down another old landmark in Hunts vile to make way for modern build ing-a filling station for automobiles. It is the Carruthers residence at the corner of west Clinton and Gallatin st trsets. a large frame structure which was erected more than so years ago. The house, during the Civil war. was the residence of Robert w. Coltart, mayor of Huntsville. who was ban jshed by the federal troops here be- cause of his continued loyalty to the Confederacy. For him the first steam fire engine ever put in use in Hunts ville was named. A son of the for mer mayor. Harry G. Coltart, is now living in Memphis.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
Q O O South Represented.
COOSA FARMER FINDS HIS WIFE
 BURNED TO DEATH

GOODWATER, Ala, July 12.-Mrs. Lou Mckay, G9, wife of J. H. Mckay, one of the best known planters of Coosa county, was burned to death today in her home while attempting to start a fire to prepare the noon meal. Mrs. Mckay, a semi-invalid, was found dead in her chair as a result of burns sustained when her clothing was consumed. The husband discovered the body when he went to his home to aid Mrs. Mckay in cooking the noon meal.
 Funeral services will be held in Goodwater Friday. The house did not catch fire. and the chair in which the body was found showed only a slight charring from the flames.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
DAM EMPLOYE BETTER

Reports from the bedside of w. w. Waldrop at local hospital state that he Is resting quietly and that he has a chance to recover. Waldrop was a hostler at Wilson Dam and was run over by train last week and had his left arm and part of his shoulder cut off. His face and neck were also badly cut and there were ot her minor injuries.
The Birmingham age-herald., 1923-07-13
ELECTED RECORDER

At recent meeting of the city council J. P. Shepherd was elected city recorder to succeed Norman Gum who is in Mexico on business MT Gum resigned sometime ago but the council did not act upon his resignation until after he had left for Mexico. MT. Shepherd was not an ap- plicant for the office but having served in the same capacity last year ard having made a good recorder the city decided to elect him again.