davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

Once upon time there was a He
Gossip named Cyrenius Bizzy. Mr.
Bizzy was Middle-Aged and had Set
of dark Chinchillas. He carried O
Gold-Headed Cane on Sunday. His
Job on this Earth was to put on O
pair of Pneumatic Sneakers every
Morning and go out and Investigate
Other Peoples Affairs.
He called himself n Reformer, and
he did all his Sleuthing in the line
of Duty.
If he heard of Married Man going
out Joy-Riding after Hours or play
ing Rummy for Ten Cents a point OF
putting a Strange Woman on the Car
| he knew it was his Duty to edge
around and slip the Information to
some one who would carry it to the
Wife.
He was such n Good Man himself
that he wanted all the other Men to
wear long sable Belshazas on the
| Sub-Maxillary and come to him for
Moral Guidance. If they would NOT
do it, tho only Thing left for him to
do was to Warn their Families now
and then and get them into Hot
Water. thus demonstrating that the
Transgressor must expect Retribu-
ton to fall on him with quite q
Crash.
Sometimes he would get behind a
Board Fence to see the Wife of the
Postmaster break off Yellow Rose
and pass it over the Gate to the
Superintendent of the High School.
Then he would Hustle out on his
Beat and ask People if they had heard
the Talk that was Going Around?
Had to Save World.
OF course it grieved him to be com.
PEELED TO Peddle such Dirt. but he
bad to do it in the Interests Of Moral
ity. If Folks did not have Pious
Protector to spot Worldly Sin and
then get after it with a Sharp Stick.
the Community would probably 60 to
the Dogs in less than no time.
When he had Disagreeable Task
to Perform, such as letting a Mer-
chant know that his Business Partner
had been seen slightly Sprung at n
Picnic. he always wished to get
through with it as quickly rs pos
sible. so usually he Ran. He did not
want any one else to beat him there.
because the Other Fellow might not
get it Right.
Next Door to Cyrenius Bizzy there
lived a Family that needed Regu-
lating. Cyrenius Bizzy knew that he
had been ordained to do the Regu-
lating.
The Family had too much Fun to
suit Cy. The NNighbor never came
over to ask Mr. Bizzy how late they
had better Sit Up. or what Young
Men the Girls ought to invite TO the
House.
Cyrenius would have been glad to
fix up Set of Rules. for he was n
Bureau of Advice. open at all Hours.
He could tell People just how much
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
Had No Objection

According to an eminent English
writer of "reminiscences there was an
authoress a few decades ago who
wrote and illustrated charming gar
den books. She was a Mrs. Loudon.
In one of her works she was anxious
to include sketch OF, the "Weterloo
Beeches' at Strathfieldsaye, clumu
Of trees on the Duke of y'NNellington's 4
estate planted in commemoration od
the downfall of Corsican. Accord
inely she wrote the Duke of Welling1
ton requesting leave to sketch the
beeches and signing herself y. Lou1
dom" The duke, in spite of extreme
age and dim insight, always insisted
on attending TO his own correspond
ence. He replied as follows: "Phd
Duke Of Wellington presents his conf
pliments to the Bishop of London. Tho
bishop is quite at liberty to make a
sketch Of the breaches which the|
duke wore at Waterloo if they can
be found. But the duke is not aware
that they differed in any way. FROM
the brooches he generally wears"
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

ed trousers and lace handkerchiefs in
their cuffs.
The crying need Of the Epicurean
world is less surprise" and more
garlic.
If there were more T-Bone Steak
Reilly's and fewer Cafe de Parisiennes
we wouldn't need the draft.
Listen To This One.
The other day l was in a restau-
rant and across from me sat a young
milksop in spring bottom trousers.
He had to walk up more than one
flight for his suit and probably got
perfume sprayer TO boot. He had
a pair of shoulders that would make
| Jack Dempsey cry out loud.
| felt certain he was a victim of
the food mania, or rather the victim
of lack of good grub, so / watched
him while he Ordered-if any.
"Waitah." he said in a sopranish
voice, bring me a half order OF
toast Media, half glass Of hot milk
and some water cress."
He nibbled at the water cress like
a frigHAned rabbit. chopped his toast
into tGpst infinitesimal bits and
dampenA his lips with the hot milk.
How is one to expect fellow like
that TO amount to anything worth
while! a portion Of chopned raw
meat and sliced onions wouldn't make
him speak harshly to his opponent in
n ping. pong game. He was too fan
gone for anything except the ether
| cone.
We ought TO get steamed up about
this food question. Regular food
would in few years put all end tC
all worry about growing youths who
applaud the aesthetic dance.
What the Nation Needs.
And, happy thought, / don't be
lieve we would have more of those
Yes, We Have No Banana" ditties
Or tenor singers. Or men who tax,
razor blades back TO be sharpened
Or those who wear socks to mattel
thelr neckties. In fact we might fos
ter the hope of having a real brigh
little world.
Am | too fresh? If | am remembeI
"a kick in the food is worth two il
the pants"-and that's what's com
ing 10 the younger generation. il i
doesn't get down TO solid eating.
Our young bloods these days 2
10 dinner, toy with an alligator pea
salad and are laid up for week witt
acute indigestion from over eating.
can't help but think of my ven
cradle sire at nearly 40 still eatin
fried chickel. for breakfast and wind
ing up with a piece of pie and
slice of cheese if he feels like it. II
is still able to cross the countr
every year, see the world series base
, ball games, sleep eight hours ever
night and tire me out walking.
Doctors are pulling teeth. tran,
J planting glands. cutting out ar
pendixes and still we are a race {
hypochrondiacs. What we need
/ less medicine and more food.
t (Copyrlght. 1928, BY the McNaugf
) Syndicate. Incl
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
Taking No Risk

1t was during the days of the draft
that a Russian American went to one
of the volunteer lawyers to make APP
plication for insurance, and when
asked who was to be his beneficiary. he
said: "Olda Sulkowich, my landlady.
"But that won't do" protested the
lawyer. Have you not brother.
sister. mother or some other relative!"
But it developed that the applicant
was on the outs with his family
and did not want them to get the
money. MRS. Sulkowich is a good
woman, he insisted. "She is widow
with two children and she has had to
take care of them since her man died. y
Il tell you what to do" the lawyer
cried. "You marry her-then there'll
be no chance for trouble. The man
stood for minute in deep thought
then shook his head. "sNo." he said
II might come back. The Argon'
aut.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

When and where not to use sprink-
Ter was a question which vexed Mayor
John W. Tobin Wednesday. To set
tie it he called in Tom Kane, superin-
tendent of the street cleaning depart
ment.
Following Mondays and Tuesday
heavy ram, considerable dust had ac-
cumulated on Houston street. Some
one rang the mayors office and re-
quested sprinkler. He ordered il
sent. Then some one else frantically
explained that sprink,ers are not used
on Houston street as they are liable
to besmear milady's shiny automobile
or her white linen costume.
at positively wont do the mayor
was informed.
Tom Kane caught the sprinkler al
st. Mary's street and shunted it dowr
the alley.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

horse always gets the worst of it
and / never met horse yet that
I'D sense enough to have collision
insurance.
Or look at horse on, old fash
ion farm that drags plow around a
field all day long and wears himself
out in the heat and by the time
they are 30 yrs. old they amt got
no pep left and they .aint saved up
a dime and they don't leave nothing
to their children.
A whole lot of cdngressmans is in
the same fix but why brag about
horse sense?
\ The Rabbit and His Chance.
All and all friends I mean that it
is just a confusion of terms that
don't mean nothing because horses
certainly don't have 4, no sense and
further and more look Mt the term,
HE treated me like a dog" Well I
have seen lot of dogs and I have,
seen some Of them slapped in the
jaw but the big majority gets all
they want to eat and drink and
never does tap of work and their
missus genally always kisses them
and calls them pet names and holds
them in their lap and theys been
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

lot of horses and a good many of
them suppose to be above the
average horses and suppose to have
horse sense and my smallest son
has got more sense than .any horse
/ ever seen So when the new senator
from Minnesota claims he has got
horse sense or he wishes they was
more senator's had same. why all /
got to say is that if this country
was ran By bunch of horses we
would be even worse off than we
got now.
$'' "Neigh." Said Hyperion.
Like for inst. you take horse
which he is probably the most famous
horse that has been in this country
in the last 10 yrs. and / refer to
Man o. War and he run lot of
races and only loose one race as far
as ! can remember and he win a
IA of million dollars for his owner
not includeing bets and now he is
through with the racing game and
what has he got? He amt got a
nickel.
And a little vile ago 1 was up to
Saratoga and one of Bud Fishers
horses was running named Hyperion
and the best jockey in the world
was riding same and they had not
went 10 #. when the best jockey in
the world fell off of the horse and
Hyperion did not have enough horse
sense to wait till the jockey got
back on him and will 60 further
and state that if you had of asked
Hyperion if he knowed that the
boy who had tried to stay on him
was the best jockey in the world he
would of said neigh.
Then they was another horse who
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

Back home in Hud Faudree's Bon
Ton Cafe and Short Order house the
most delectable item on the bill of
fare was the Ohio river mud cat fish
fried.
1t was 10 cents a portion and YOU
perched on a high stool to eat. The
memory of this dish clings. Nothing
/ have eaten since approaches-not
even the Sole Anglaise Princivale at
Ciro's in Paris. the Pigeonneau en-
Cocotte at Claridge's in London. the
pancakes Suzette at Rene's in Pasa-
dena, Cal, nor the Noisette d Agneau
of the Ritz in y. Y.
/ have the same preference for zip
and dash in food that / have IN
vehicular travel. l can get along
with a sled and two sick mules in
vehicular travel and a fried cat fish
for my meal.
In the good old days when sus-
penders were not the object of de-
rision, fish was a fish. Now 1t is
listed as "Poisson"-and the way
they garnish it up it is probable as
dangerous as il sounds.
A Treasured Menu.
have a treasured copy Of one Of
Hud Faudree's bills Of fare. If it
doesn't make you hungry you should
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
His Patience Gone

A Youngstown man recently applie'
for settlement of claim for fire in
surance. and in response to the agent
queries explained that it was a doc
and the damages amounted to abou
IS. go ~
"When did the fire happen % aske
the agent. t-
After a moments hesitation n
answer came. About thirty year
ago" $50,
what? Thirty years ago and yor
have waited all these years to. repor
"Yes, sir.-
well. way in blazes report j
now?' So Pc.
well. SIR" said the Youngstown
man, "the women folks at my hous
have never given me moments peac
since that COMPOUNDED door wa
burned and l just couldn't stand
any longer. The Pathfinder.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
BY GEORGE AIDE.

The Family did not want to be Re
formed.
He even wrote Anonymous Letters
telling them how Depraved they were
They were so Brazen and Hardened
they paid no Attention except to give
him the Rowdy Razz when they saw
him pottering around the Shrubbery
in his Front Yard, pretending to be
at Work, but really doing the Pinker.
ton Act. and keeping one Ear spread
for nice, juicy Bit of Scandal.
Mr.. Bizzy watched the Family nj
all Hours of the Day and Night fol
many Months. Although convinced
that they were Children of Belial AM
pretty Hard Nuts in general, h,
still hoped to Rescue them.
He wondered il he could not Appea
to the Mans Wife. She was ,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
Where Menus Are Menus
BY o. o. M'INTYRE.

"sauce supreme" is going to Jail for
80 days and the one who digs out
tomato and calls it "tomato sur
prise" is going TO get the surprise OF
his life. I'll surprise that bird.
This European invasion of Ameri-
can cooking rights must stop some
where. Walk along Fifth Avenue in
New York and see the windows filled
with equity old clubmen, twiddling
their thumbs and you get faint idea
of what happens to America when
good old Virginia ham is dandied up
with mixture of axle grease, shoe
polish and canal water and labeled
"Jambon de Virginie."
All the zest is being taken out OF
he-vittles. Nowadays one of the
glittering menu items is "Celery.fed
duck" They take a young duckling,
cloister him in a nickle plated coop
and every time he squawks choke him
with chopped celery. He goes on
leading this hellish life for six weeks
and then they lead him to the guillo-
tine.
Wise boys on Park and Madison
Avenue pay $3.50 a portion for few
safety razor slices and then wonder
what makes them sprout out in pleat-
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
lO1nn
Sims
Says

A Brooklyn baby who swallowed q
toy auto viii recover. Please tic your
flivver outside.
Fourteen men were unable to land
a fish off New Jersey, VIII re booze is
thrown overheard. .+.-
Just as boys are rushing off to col
lege IN Oregon professor quits to be-
come n plasterer.
PENNSYLVANIA man has escaped from
Jail three times. If you think this is
easy try it once.
Even though an Elkton (Md.) min
lister married 5000 couples he has died
natural death. d..
Furs and fur coats will be about
higher this fall.
A senator is being sued for 30 cents,
expecting to make him feel like that
amount.
Antiques are things made long, long
ago. We are just about out of an
tique prices.
One of the books we would like to
see written is How to Be Happy
Though a Reformcr."
Place a few auto tags end to end
Read left TO right. 1t il how manJ
marks for dollar. y
The California report that a movie
star and her husband are close friends
is probably untrue.
What /. pity shoes won't stay shined
as noses do.
Several makers are making autos a!
funny as they can, but can't get joke.
started about them.
No female mosquito lives more thar
one winter, thank Heaven.
A fall may prove fatal to flies.
A man has left $1,000. 900 for need,
actors, which is about 81 per need!
actor.
Gsrys says people scare too easily
Wonder if he drives car?
Must be hot in Pittsburg. A won
ans combs exploded. Keep away iron
celluloid collars.
Baltimore had n daylight robbery
Nights will soon be long enough TO
robbers to finish.
Improvement is reported in NeV
Orleans. Boy whipped another one TO
calling him a sheik. il
"America" is omitted from Chicag
2 fschool song books. Let Yes, W
> Have No Bananas" take its place.
) Mrs. Paine lives in st. Louis. Hu'
! band and money, left together. Sh
I, wants the money back.
5 Farmers near railroads should pair
their cows a bright red.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

Money they ought to Save every
Week, and how often they ought to
Lick the Children, and so on
But the Family that lived Next
Door made Loud Sport of Mr.. Bizzy,
and had no use for his Counsel. They
played Pung Chow right in the Front
Room with the Curtains up, and they
Danced the Two-Step so that he
could be sure to see it from where he
was hidden behind the Evergreen
Tree. and they ran the Ice Cream
Freezer on Sunday Morning, and
Sang College Songs nearly every
Evening.
He Appeals to the Wife.
1t hept the He-Gossip on the Go
most of the time to let the Neigh
borhood know all the Details of these
Debauches. 1t did very little Good.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

I forgot his name but any way he
was in the last race in Belmont and
he was even money favorite anu
the Lardners all bet OH him and they
was behind as usual and was try
ing to get even on this horse and
the barrier was sprang and the
horse was still standing there and
the race was 8 furlongs which this
horse finished about that distants
behind the other horses and he did
not know that the race had ever
started and was left at the post and
still they talk about horse sense.
Horses Never Save a Dime.
Going back to the dear old crinoline
days as Irving Berlin has nicknamed
them. why we had a horse once in
Niles. Mich. named Dolly who you
would hitch her up to the buggy and
say get IN because you wanted to
60 some place and you would sci
there and say get up several times
and she would still be standing there
and il you waited long enough you
would not move as she did not know
what get up meant. That is as
much sense as horse has got. Even
senator knows what get up means
Dolly was dead long before the
great war as call it but If she
had of been alive after it started ]
supp could of made her get up
by playing the star spangle Banner
but in those days horses did moi
know the words let alone the tune
This writer's argument is that
horses amt got no sense and all as
| ask you to do to convince yourself
is to go out and watch some Of the
old horses pulling dray down the
main street of any big city and thu
load is something terrible but be
sides from that. why every corner
Won come to a big automobile truck
is libel to run into you and the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

take. the first train out to the
Brothers Mayo. Read and smack
your lips quietly:
Black Bean Soup cents.
Spare Ribs and Sauer Kraut with
sweet potatoes-20 cents.
Ohio River cat fish fried-10 cents.
All vegetables in seasons cents
d dish. N
Apple DumDlings with cream-1o
cents.
Coffee. Milk and Tea cents.
Hud cooked and served all meals
and no one ever thought of offering
him a tip. In fact there were times
when steady patron of Hubs would
be told there was no charge. Hud
called it a tin roof"-which was the
wise crack of those days for being
ION the house"
Hud had no fiddle-faddle about his
calling. He did not refer 10 himself
as a maitre de hotel. He called
himself a hash peddler.
And one feels just day or so
nearer the Commune in reflecting
that for the present day price of one
scrawny ear Of corn it would be
possible to buy two filling meals at
Hubs.
Imagine going into one of our
modern restaurants. slapping so cents
down on the table and saying: Jules,
xix me I'D a good square meal. :" After
Jules has had his hemOrrhage and
fried out there would no doubt be
an exhibition of French as it should
be cussed.
/ often wonder what would happen
to man who suffered if he tried to
order Fricandeau la Gelee d,Estra-
gon in one of our restaurants today.
Restaurant proprietors should think
of those things.
Food Getting Too Flossy.
/ often think too what might have
happened if Jud Smith had stepped
into Hubs restaurant and faced O
menu like this:
Caneton Nouveau Poole a lOrange
PIP 2.2J.
Poulet Refine Poche au riz PilaN
half 30.
Poussin Frit ViennOise, NouilleI
Au Beurre go.
Ris de yeau Braise au Epinard'
au Jus 3.2J.
/ can almost hear Jud snorting
iltiSDthc, Dihls ihS q Siob Va poA
and cut of pie"
GOOD is getting too flossy. IT j
losing its pristine ruggedness. w
wonder why our young men are usini
pomades, wearing tiny misplaced
growth of cactus on their upper lip
and calling one another "old thing.
After being brought up on die
of bees wing soup and humming bir'
hip steaks, what is one 10 expect
A good old time he-raw steak sand
! wich would make almost any on
of them sag to the floor in error.
And as for onion soup-goodgosh
There used TO be man in our tow
who drank pint of raw OK bloc
every morning. The last time
heard of him he chased a book agen
who came to town wearing a spoI
shirt out beyond Rodney. Rodney
three miles ont on the lower rive
yoad and uphill all the way.
A Real Platform Pledge.
II ever run for office I'm goin
- make the leading plank in IN
platform: "American food for Amer
icans.y The first cook who make
an ordinary sauce and labels
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

many time when l wished 1 could
be treated like dog.
One more expression and am
through, namely the expression he
has got no more chance than a
rabbit, and / have seen whole lot
of rabbits that had more chance
than whole lot of people including
writers and congressmans. 49,.
In the conclusion of his article
Mr.. johnson says he fofgives all
those who ridiculed him during his
campaign so in conclusion TO this
article leave me say Il forgive all
those who ridicule me vile they are
reading it including horses.
Copyright, 90. by the Bel Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
Breaking In

'Lady-My good man, why don't you
start into business?
Tramp-Id open a bank, mum, if ]
only. had thS tools.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
What Do You Know About That?

during rain Tuesday
night Excd he exclaimed Did see those skd And inds
Quaintance
CHANGING plaza designations
visitor that daily of the city be issued for the guidance Of
in midst.
Ho HUM THE sERE AND YELLOW days with Felt Hat
Bay will be celebrated football stories beginning
make complete the chain featured
window display of Christmas tree ornaments last week
DEVELOPING TAMALE HUNGER Antohian motOred
the other afternoon and filled the deca that comes in shuck
When he home he found that his wife had decided him and
juicy supper He manuy
Inc joyful husband and ate his Dozen although his eyes popped slightly
down. And his wife happy having pleased him
EVEN CALENDARS GO WRONG The Bexar county
day. September day page
The first Wednesday the month
bears date.
SAN ANTONIO MoTORsT exasperaed
himself almost invariably running past the red signals friend found him
parked beside the Austin road the other night swearing the blinking rail
crossing signal He said he had half waiting
the light to show.
TOM LITTLE MANAGER OF the BurnIary Motor
he never forget automobiles he made
purchased West paid him the
something like $1,000 in 50 bills He had the the
office in a sack
ONE DISADVANTAGE OF having the kitchen at the end Of the
the living
travel the front of the house that the generally total loss e
foreth he off.
WONDER is THAT FARMERS along a all
city with ambitions back so tell of mis-
the farmers make which he is eliminate his farm
TO YOUNG GIRL PUPILS the school shc
of friendships
getting
wash until the skin behind their fairly
ONE SAN ANTONIAN is DIGGING worthless
selling He has
a
hour of a certain
READIN GA WANT AID which said, "Foundan with
bobbed tall Alamo Heights Telephone
the column wants to know fit was a dog or shirt
NEW GAME LAW to dove
side the IG kill
compelled Antonio enlist aid his I'll
drive the birds from the Illegal side Of the track
hunter legal side
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

READIN GA WANT AID which "Found-Tan,
bobbed tail, Alamo Telephone
the column wants to know ifi dog a shirt
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09
THE NEW GAME LAW WHICH makes it

THE NEW GAME LAW WHICH makes 1t unlawful shoot
side of the G N tracks legal Kill side
compelled San Antonio enlist the his The
youngsters drive the birds the illegal side the tracks
hunter them they fly the legal side.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

DISADVANTAGE at Of tn
the living that the odor takes
of the generally
oreth be turned off
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

ONE SAN ANTONIAN is DIGGING of his worthless oil
with view selling it. He has found friend who believed
repair shop mechanic
of certain day
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-09

TO YOUNG GIRL PUPILS the of school shot
renewing of friendships delightful things
she looks forward eagerly To the getting
until the skin behind their