The mirror., 1923-05-24

ing this brilliant treatise not doubt lin
gers but that he was right. Again in
1913 Professor Goofus startled the world
while acting as a feature writer for the
Bingville Black, with the astounding facts
of the true state of affairs in Zion City,
Illinois. More than half of the total popu
lation were addicts of the terrible cubeb
habit while strawberry pop was being
sold openly with the authorities taking
no steps to put a stop to the demoralizing
influence.
Professor Goofus is now at the head of
the Department of Bugology at Hoosis
University. Every year his paternal care
enables five or six Napoleons to take their
place in the world of strategy. In 1919
there were five Napoleons, two Alexan-
ders, two Babe Ruths, thirteen Carrie Ma
tions, three Lydia Pinkhams, four Smith
Brothers, one Marc Anthony, three Steve
Brodies and one reincarnation of Cleo
pe;;la's snake Ii the graduation class. To
date, out of forty three graduates forty
one have attained the position that met
with the full approval of the general pub
lie. One casualty is listed upon the alum
nj records as very regrettable occurrence
took place during the first annual reunion.
Cleo's snake attempted to curl up around
Steve Brodie, No. 2, and Steve wasn't
taking chance that day.
Professor Goofus has appeared before
all of the round heads of Europe. Sweden
was to have been included in his itinerary
but it was disclosed before sailing from
Balogna that his head interpreter Yon
Yohnson, had mysteriously disappeared.
Yon was traced to the point where he had
won first prize in calf-judging contest,
but from there the trail was blind. 1t is
suspected that some bovine-eyed heifer
caused Yon to stray from the path of
righteousness. Swan Swendson, the other
interpreter was of little use as he was
born across the international line in South
St. Paul.
The King of Norway called our dis
tinguished fellow countryman into con-
ference for the purpose of perfecting
plan to stabilize the snoose industry. For
this service the Order of the Ludefsk was
conferred upon him.
A recent interview with Professor Goo
fus brought forth a profound suggestion
for remedying matter of vital Importance.
"What would you suggest as means
of providing the females of Europe with
husbands?" he was asked.
Establish an international matrimonial
agency with Kid Mccoy as business man
ager'
We must not overlook the society story
as it is very popular. The heroine should
have fluffy brown hair silver flask and
penchant for moonlight petting parties.
She should be able to quote a sea-going
man, preferably buckomate, swim like
a fish, and drink like one, ride anything
with hair on it, and wrap her ex-section
boss father around her come hither finger.
The hero should be a young man with
long line of blue-blooded ancestors dating
back to the Mayfower and he must speak
with Boston accent, be at home in the
CopleyPlaza, and be able to lick room
full of longshoremen with nonchalant
gesture. Of course he uses oil on his
tarry locks and carries stick, knows
where dago red can be obtained in guam
tity lots and all chorus ponies by their
real names. Mix with indulgent parents, ,racy
motors and manners and serve. la mode
After you have been writing for seven
or eight years and in case you have not
been able to dispose of your brain-chil-
dren you are sufficiently experienced to
write book telling others how to write
fiction. This is popular custom. You
may be asked to take personal charge of
correspondence course school for ambi-
tious writers.