davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
By "BUGS" BAER

He got pnched for hanging cowbols pumphanes fool
blind babies"
Nom said "Ho's a Woodworking He loves his wife
and family and takes them out to the Zoo Sunday
Pop said "Where did he get his influenced The time
I saw him dumb he talking back a phono-
graph
Nom said "Your brains like tho Emperors private
bath 1t private the Emperor used 1t himself
You ain half don't why barber wastes
tonic your head when there many doornobs that
need vanishing Put you and your brothers Ia room
and mouse would think 1T was empty. All you know
about geography the locations Of the police stations
this great nation depended on men like you, chewing
gum machines would be full of marks and rubles.
Pop said, evil you put that in wrtngi It sounds like
insults in the first degree
Sc that made SO mad she couldn't talk Her words
got fried her vocabulary and when she was congesed
with remarks, pop said, "Bring the beans
Well goodby and when you come around this way
again. don tforget your address.
lCopyrights 1nss Conpanyl
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
THE FAMILY ALBUM

TTELLO, don't stand out there shivering Come into
9: - the house, where you have company.
Pop is downtown looking for work with his smoked
glasses Nom told him not to home until he got
job So pop kissed her goodby.
This is pops picture here It's the first picture the
book and pop felt highly complimented nom said he
looked much like insect she would put his picture
the fly page
That's pops brothers picture here. He wasn't very good
looking but he threw nice shadow He
he only needed lens IN his spectacs He married
Emme and she was too They married by
eyed minister with the result that man
walked away with the BRIDE and Uncle fumbled in the
minister's pocket for the ring.
Everybody at the church crosseyed too There was
a saloon next door, Unole know how much Of
crowd he had at his wedding.
The minister said "Do youi" And two Of the brides
maids said eve do. The minister said I wasn't talking
to you" So uncle said II didn't say anything"
The minister looked pop and said where's the mar
rage cerficatei The best said, 81 amt getting
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
why Should I Be Gloomy"

zipplest High-FTyer that speeds
the Boulevard. When it comes to
French Heels and 8-inch Earrings,
she can make the average Society
Bud look like a wax Imitation.
"She has one Of these wig-wag
Walks--thS kind that makes
People jump off Of the Sidewalk.
"Of course, she il only the
Daughter of an obscure Steam
Filter, but let me give you a
Pointer. You can't tell by lookin'
at one Of these Dolls nowadays
what kind Of Clothes her Father
wears. When 1t comes to Lugs.
I can't see that the Heiress has
any Bulge on the simple Work
ing-Girl.
"As for butting into the Social
Swim. she has a Scheme all
framed up by which she expects
to become acquainted with all of
the gold-plated Johnnies who
infest the Municipality.
"She Is going on the Stage to
be a Show Girl.
she says that the Debutante
seldom has more than one on
her Staff. while the, Show Girl
oan take her Pick Of a large
Bunch.
80 you see that IN these Days
Of Public Schools ana cheap
Reading Matter and movies. UvUn
the most Humble can occaaiOn-
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

IT'S the people who interest themselves in stodry
details that the responsible positions I'm or.
CARNATIONS and find their way TO the directors table
They're the dOtters and the tcrossers Of achieve
ment. Nothing dashing about their progress. It's
slow, steady crawl from place to place.
There's nothing wonderful about their bridges, cx.
cept meticulOusly tested beams, bolts and rivets.
Nothing marvellous about their selling, except care
fully noted instructions and close observation Of
toners needs.
Nothing unique about their manufacturing, except
CONSTANT examination Of materials and alert regard
for wasted moments and motions through every stage
of production.
Nothing extraordinary about their characters. They
keep faith and promises and neither forget instructions
nor bIab condolences.
They're jusa men who deliver the goods when and
as expected.
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

Pop said, whats the NATTER See a crowdi"
Nom said you're about due fer year.cnd party at
Sing Sing
Pop said "What have you got for support
Nom said, Beans"
Pop said, Anything else'"
Nom said, Deans"
Pop said "De you love me''
Nom said, Beans
Pop said, II almost got jeb.''
Nom said, Oceans to that toe
Pep said II ask yen serious questions and get vege
table Don a command any respect in his
hOmei What's this bean business anyway Explain it
can have it classified by the State Beard of Insults"
Nom said, "Weve been married thirty years and you
brought anything home but your hat wish had
married Pete Morris when he asked me-
Pop said pete Morrsi That's the milk amt iti
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

three Colcra. I'm glad that Tn
not q low-down Capitalist!
II may not handle az much
Coin as some Of the ShelI-Work.
ers that hang out In Wall Street,
but any time that feel discour-
aged all I have to do is to dig up
my Fifteen Cents and go to a
Movie Show. and then / find out
that am the only true-hearted
and honest American"
"Still, with your restricted In
come. you cannot seek the ele-
waiting Influences Of our kind OF
Society,"" said the Lady Of the
House. '"That must grind you
a good deal, especially II you have
Children growing up. can i'm
agine that it would be hard lines
to know that your Offspring have
no Social Careers awaiting them"
"Me and my Wife lay awake
Nights and cry about IT," said
the Steam Filter. I'VE were too
poor to send him to q University,
but he can drink the most terrible
of the Bootleggers' Products and
he gives me the Laugh when /
call him down. and so I feel that
we have accomplished by Home
Training what might have bsen
expected from q College Course.
HER WTG.WAG WALK.
as Ear vivian. eur bright.
ayoA 6ttla DauGhNeT. she - de
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

on an escalator, If they'd give ms
the City Hall.
DIFFICULT TASK.
Try to find an original New
Yorker. It can't be done. Tear
off the mask OF sophistication
and you find gilded clod from
Hoholxus.
The most fashionable man NIL
liner in New York calls his shop
q salon" He has q name that
sounds a. Il It might have been
freshly piucked from the Rue
de La PAX. His first name IL
Herman. and back In Sidney.
Ohio, where he comes from, all
the boys on the cracker barrels
know him as 'Herm."
One Of the best dressed men in
DOWNTOWN Topics calls him a
fashion plate-was No. IL on the
planning mill payroll fifteen years
ago down In Arkansas. When he
came to New York he wouldn't
have known q pate de fois gras
IL one Jumped in his lap.
The. greatest man-about-town
New York has ever known-an
ultra sophisticated person who
Yves at homo In Roma. Paris.
LOndOn or New York-had to
leave his home town Noea0ss Of
haS nortinoAGion ever losing e1E
AA . shsl1 game "a he county
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

AYEW YORK has always been
M the city with the Golden
h " Halo. I used to be a clerk
N a country hotel and when a
baking powder drummer would
inscribe the magic words New
York. onrthe register, I gave
him No. 6-that was the one with
TWO chairs and the chrome Of the
basket of fruit on the wall.
saw Broadway as a dazzling
crucible transmitting the obscure
into greatness. When Lottie La
Mont's Broadway Elite Rope.
toire Co. came to town fell In
love with Lottie and walked up
and down past the opera house
ike a moon-sick calf.
Not even the news that her
husband was the trap drummer
md stage carpenter and that
r.ottie bleached her hair could
shake my admiration. For she
anne from New York-the Won.
der Isle.
My uncle. the one who made
! the round trip to Niagara Falle.
was somewhat Of a traveller. He
ised to take q New York news
s.,aper in combination with Q farm
weekly. I read each issue from
cover to cover. I would go into
the Depot Short Order House for
n -TLbone steak and imagine
!. vas sitting at Rector's. No city
meant anything to me save New
York.
WHIRLIGIG OF FATE.
Then one day the whirlig1g Of
cAte landed me on Broadway.
The second day I was here q
stranger came up and asked me
for a direction. That was the
proudest rnement OF my life. I
figured that he took me for q
regular New Yorker. Belonged
New York IL still the naightiest
Of cities and there IL romance In
every block-but after living
here awhile the Illusions burst
with q bang. You begin to see
Main street through the glitter.
The great personalities are Just
ssvery day follc-even % you
and I.
have seen Otto II. Kahn. the
big banker. lodging taxicabs On
Fifth avenue with a. much r4di-
cuious agility an the veriest coun-
try pumpkin.
I have seen Pierpont Morgan 90
confused over Q French menu a.
O leading hick from Jays Cross
ing. Iowa.
have sean George N. Oohan
~ % enter the exit entrance Of
the subway.
have sesn Jehn Drew caught
Ia Q revolving dooF.
: I have seen Robert billiard trip
"a q rug In the foyer Of the
saAaAsiAsG hctei.
: And I even saw th0 great
DsnaaBe4 trying - SuaA IN .
AseP ezme Wan IaAeAsa ~PunS
Aa4 aEEae nv1ng Aers Q SssaA
-mmnAw &C Ysars I wUulAn2 ride
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
STEAM-FTTTERS COMEBACK = By GEORGE AIDE

any make . Bluff at being the
Real Thing.
$50 long 10 my Children boot
ut my suggestions and tell me
every Day where to get off or
how 70 back over the Dump.
Papa win not be altogether dis
coureged IN regard to their
Social Careers.
s'In fact, the oply thing that
worries me IL the Fear that
won't be able to keep up with
Them
81 am glad to find you %
Philosophical. said the NIL
Iionairesa. After reading several
Books written by College Pro.
lessons who disguised themselves
a. Laborers and went and lived
among the downtrodden Masses,
I had supposed that . Steam
Filter was . rather gloomy
Proposition"
THE LABORT0G CLASSES.
"Why should be gloomy The
formal Dinner Party IL the Cham
plon Gloom Factory. and =
never have to 50 near one Of
them.
ssy 80 49, A. - a.
teIlect to Q FRAGILE keeping up
with the Popular Novels.
when . Foreign Musician or
q Lady with . new System Of
Culturitia hobs up On the Ho-
rizon, ! don't have 70 20 chas-
Ing around, letting on that / am
interested.
'.Tou never nee me ct one Of
these punk Amateur Perform
ances, applauding the Bank 40
counts.
Nobody expects me to make
any Calls. and meyer drink Tea
Except when I want It. The
Scandal Sheet never shows up my
Family History. and as far a. !
can learn, my Wife never hired
a Detective to watch me.
ut is true that sometimes
find nothing on the Menu except
Corned Beef and what goes
with 1t, but I tear into 1t with
an Appetite that would be worth
$S,0O0.0o0 to Rockefeller 1t this
Minute.
''And now, Lady, according to
the Rules OF the Union, I must
knock off for today, a. 1t il five
o'clock"
Your story has interested me-"
said the Lady Of the House. 'I
should like to visit your Family
and write q Paper on the Home
Life Of the Toilers."
"I'm sorry We can't have you,"
was the Reply. you Society
Ducks don't care who you invite.
but I'm an officer In the Union
and I'll queer myself II I begin
to associate with the direpn.
table Rich. You'll have to put up
with your own Kind"
MORALE The wealthy have
nothing left except Money.
tOspyfight, 1884, By xAo RAN
Syndicate. HAL
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
Copyright, 1928, BY Herbert Kan

Few captains Of startlingly original
sparklingly brilliant.
The higher titles in Duns "peerage" held by
exceedingly commonplace persons with slight distinc-
ton beyond dependabily Their careers noted for
solid foundations rather than for ornamental facades
You'll find them with few EXCEPTIONS just Flooding,
takenOthing for granted checkt-everyday statement
studying citizens Of limited talent and unlimited per-
severance They dub their drives oftener than their
shipments; they miscredt the poets, but not their
customers.
Badsreets gives them better reports than teachers
did. Teachers VIGOROUSLY prone to overestimate
the importance Of glibness.
That's why many star pupils Of the little red
white counting house, where the fellows who didn't
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
NE Day Q lowly Steam-T1tter
who received only $LOO IN
Hour for filling his Pine

~ NE Day q lowly Steam-E1tter
who received only $1OO IN
~ Hour for filling his Pipe
was sent to do q Job Of Repairing
In the Palatial Residence Of
Trust Mogul.'
While he was hammer1ng IneF.
rily at his Task. trying to I'm out
an eight-hour Day, the Lady Of
the House came and watched
him.
Fer heart was touched with
great pity for any Man who still
had his Appendix and whose Pho
ture had never appeared in the
Sunday Papers.
80 she had the Butler bring
soma Charlotte Russo for the
humble TOiler. After which he
borrowed one Of her gold-tip Gig
arsktes and gave her a few Min
utes q his Time. in spite Of the
fAot that she did not belong to
the Union.
This is Q swell Joint you've
got here, Lady" said the Steam.
Filter. 1.-THE only thing that
makes me Sore 10 to think that
all Of this Hot Dog you're throw
In on comes out Of the Pockets
of poor, hard-worixin' Guys. such
as me-"
You wrong u.s." said the Great
Lady in q tone Of Gentle Sadness.
my Husband never nimflams tho
poor Laborer. Alla that he has
he made by elliftln che Cut on
the small st0cithol1er
1--WE are much interested in the
Working Classes and wish To es-
tablish . free Lecture Course. 20
that the Poor may learn all about
Anthropology.
Very often go and sing Solos
at Mission Entertainments, but in
spite Of this my poor Husband IL
pictured as a hungry Octopus who
has taken q death-grip on the
Consumer"
ira hate to be a Corporation
Director" said the Steam-F1tter.
Tho Mug that controls q Mil
lion Bucks amt got q Friend on
Earth except the People who hap
PEN to. be with him at that tir1e.
All the Congressman throw Bricks
at him and the Editorial Writer'S
toast him to a crisp.
1.-The Newspapers put him In
Cartoons as having four chins and
a Waist Measurement Of fifty-two,
whereas all the Money-Getters
ever spotted were as thin az
Rails and looked as II they had
to live on Tea and Toast.
THE NOBLE wORKTNGMAN.
'"But the Working Man!
Hes the Boy that gets an the
Violets.
when they put me into q Car
toon they make me out TO be q
handsome Charley with my
Sleeves rolled UP and . set Of
Muscles that would make Damp.
Oey ashamed Of himself,
'HvWEy time I Gee o YIseu1o OG
ne American w0E1dne1EAn M
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

edly 10, as the greatest magazine
editor IN America. Authors stand
in awe Of him. FIis acceptance Of
q story can make the most obscure
writer famous overnight. One ex-
poets to see q glOwering hulk Of
q man with q deep sounding voice.
Instead one finds q very boyish
looking fellow with q merry. mis-
chievous twinkle, who. II the mood
strikes him, will enjoy o Charlie
Chaplin picture a. much - grand
opera. He IN also fond Of onion
soup.
There 10 q famous writer who
writes the inspirational editorials.
He does not write Of boslxy dells,
babbling brooks or fragrant flow
era. but attacks the follies, fraiI.
ties and sins Of the age in no un-
certain language. He Yields sledgs-
hammer blows.
He harps continuously on the I'm
egttmable loss Of losing Q precious
moment. Yet he 10 the despair Of
hlgpuhlisheRs. He IL always three
weeks late with his copy. ana I
was In his office one day when. at
the last moment, he telephoned an
article from San Francisco. The
topic Of the article was "Laziness
The Greatest Vice."
LIVES IN sKYSCRAPER.
Henry L. Doherty. the oil and
gas magnate, 10 one Of Americas
richest men. He has q home on
a skyecraper In the downtown
money narts. It IL q home that
has every luxury-but when q
rare old friend comes to call
they 60 to the kitchen and sit
on kitchen chairs and smoke
corncob pipes. He has o half
dozen cars. yet always rides in
the subway.
There 10 q man VINO runs q
chain Of supper clubs. He caters
to the cogIicacenti. His flair for
decorative establishments done in
Babylonian splendor gives ono
the impression that he In q
superesthete.
AZ q matter Of fact he was
once q "bouncer"~ in q Bowery
beer hall, and has a cauliflow-
cred ear and a foggy eye to show
for it. He talks ''dis" and "dat"
out Of the side Of his mouth.
His patrons never sec him. He
spends his idle hours in the
back room Of q Tenth avenue
saloon and has never owned a
suit Of evening clothes.
Perhaps the best known movie
producer. who prattles Of ideal
ism In art, never went to school
q day in his life and can
scarcely read or write. And
more power to him. The man
who, until a few years ago,
built and managed the finest
hotel in Manhattan, was for
twenty years the bartender in
enc Of the toughest joints IN
town.
Ana 20 % w0oM Don't lot New
Yne& ~htgh-AA<" you,
N0awsasAA 1851. ~ TaO RuaMagAA
Eradicate. fnal
The Washington times., 1923-02-11
Delivery Men
HERBERT KAUFMAN
and King Features syndicate. Inc.)

learn it in such hurry sign the checks and make the
contracts.
Somehow or other, the boys who could bolt their
lessons whole seem to suffer dyspepsia when the prac
teal world requires prompt digest of situations and
a competent formula to handle them.
The pride of the class appears to miss out all along
the line. West Point doesn't notice him among the
commanding generals Johns Hopkins, Yale, Harvard,
and Stanford vainly seek his name i'm who's Who
ParrOted knowledge is poor feathering for self
reliance.
The knack Of absorbing second-handed experience,
which is the stuff of textbooks, isn't worth tinkers
dam alongside the capacity for working out
pected developments That calls for tenacity-grim,
stubborn, bulldog patience.
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

The designer In one Of the
most exclusive jewelry establish.
ments In town can be seen only
by appointment. One has to be
a headliner In the Social Register
to set In then. He fashions the
head dress and other jeweled
ornamentations for the creme de
Ia creme.
He wears q goatse, white
spats and actually has q British
drawl. Back In q little town
in Indiana a few years ago he
was . timer BY trade. He had
never been inside ct Q jewelry
store untf1 he came % Manhat-
tan. He, like thousands Of 9TH
ers. found It easy to put over
the big bluff.
My admiration for the writ.
ing clan has always been enthu.
static. For years i followed the
sillk-hatted villains and the black
froclzed aaventuressAs through
the pages Of ID. Phillips Open
helms novels. Monte Carlo,
Paris. London and where not.
APPEARS BUCOLIC.
Then last year I met Mr.. 0ppen-
helm. pictured him a. Q typical
worldly cesrnoDolito. He locks ex-
acAly Hka . oaetaiR eosats9 Squire
know q oAio-dust % bu0oeis ay-
peaEGng end - OettsP 0Sesuad.
Ray 3NAg q kn0Wa~ ana AaeDrvA
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

struggle marginal backgrounds. Dividends travel
over avery edge-balance sheet analysis shows
that they are made Of salvages clock ticks and
precision.
Hare-braned genius regularly loses out to tortoise
persistence.
Horse and other races are oftenest won by noses
So keep among the facts and figures and search
out the trflng daily that soon crystalline into
annual deficits.
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

IN who run affairs are seldom
super-fOlk. They usually pull
through on their second wind.
The difference between the
bosses and the bossed is largely a
matter of thOrOughness.
Most humans of the same gen.
eraf intelligence are ninety per cent
as competent for anything.
Success and failure wage their
The Washington times., 1923-02-11

ELLO, don't stand out there shiverng. Con
- the house, where you'll have more company
The Filer record. (Filer, Idaho) 1919-1930, 1923-03-15
POLICE VETERAN
RECAINS HEALTH
Could Hardy Eat or Sleep Be-
cause of Chronic Indigestion
Now Praises Tanlac.

w. N. Hatcher, 40 Lucille Ave.
Greenville, s. c., is still another who
has realized the wonderful merits OF
Tanlac. Mr.. Hatcher has been a mem
Der OF the Greenville Police depart
ment for thirty years and is one Of the
most efficient and popular officers on
the force. In commenting on his ex-
perience with Tanlac Officer Hatcher
said:
Il know many others, besides my
self. Tanlac has helped and / am glad
TO speak out for II. / had suffered
from indigestion and constipation for
something like fifteen years. / had
about reached the point where I could
neither eat nor sleep, for every time
ate 1t hurt me and the misery kept me
awake at night. had lost energy
and strength until when my days
work was over would feel completely
played out"
II now eat anything / want, always
have fine appetite, and have gained
eight pounds. ! am certainly thankful
TO be able to enjoy good meal once
more and not suffer afterwards.
am just like q new man and Tanlac
gets all the credit"
Tanlac is for sale by all good drug
gists. Over 35 million bottles sold
The Filer record. (Filer, Idaho) 1919-1930, 1923-03-15
Folk Lore of the Near East.

With all its wars and political dis
turbances, the Near East has chung
to Its fondness for expressing its
worldly wisdom In Its own quaint
folk lore and proverbs tinged with
Orientallsm. At the Near East con-
ference Ismet Pasha, head of the
Turkish delegation, frequently en-
livened the discussions with homely
Turkish quotations. On one occasion,
when a delegate said that Ismet's
statement was not In accord with gen.
eral report. he replied: "Ah. a case
OF Khoja Nasreddln's donkey"
His reference evidently was TO a
BIT OF AnatolIan folk lore regarding
a favorite Turkish character, some
thing Of both knave and philosopher,
whose donkey braying at an lnoppor-
tune moment revealed his falsehoods.
"By Allahi" Khoja exclaimed. "thls
fool world Will believe a donkey when
II will not believe Khoja |"
The Filer record. (Filer, Idaho) 1919-1930, 1923-03-15

row strips, cover with cold salted wa
ter and bring TO the boiling point.
Drain and repeat four times, the last
time boiling until tender. Now drain
and weigh. TO each pound OF the pulp
allow pound OF sugar and one-half
pound OF water. Boil the sugar and
wnter for 1--we minutes. then add the
grapefruit rind and simmer gently I'M
IN transparent thirty minutes.
Drain. roll each piece In formulated
sugar aud dry ON a tray away from
the direct heat. Serve In place OF
after-dlnncr mlnts
Date Bars-Beat three egg yolks.
combine with one cupfil OF sugar and
stir until creamy. Sift one cupfui OF
-four with teaspoonful OF baking
powder and a pinch OF salt. add enc
cupfui 81 chopped walnut meats and
one pound % dates. stoned and quar-
tered: heat three egg whites still. add
alternately with the nour mixture 70
the yolks and sugar. Bake In a small
dripping pan about thirty minutes.
Remove from the pan. cut into bars.
roll In powdered sugar or ice with
grunge iclnx. decorate with stoned
dates and nut meats.
lightning cske.-This Is certainly a
most delicious cake when Il Is put to-
resher with creamy filinr. Cream
one. fourth % cupsu cf butter. with
onehalf curful ef sugar. Add the we'll
beaten yolks % four eggs and one tea.
spoonful 90 vanilla extract Mix one
cupful Of pastry -four with two tea
spoonruls Of baking powder and add
this alternately with fourth 10 a
cupful ~ milk 10 the drst mixture.
Spread In two shallow PANS cover the
dough With the stlfiiy-heaten whites
mixed with three fourths of crrfui
% sugar and sprinkle with ouefourth
% a cupful Of sliced almonds over al.
Bake IN moderate oven for about
half hour Spread With a custar,i IN.
ting. favored with orange or lemon he
tween the layers.
N..a. hte4~elo