davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
Evening star., 1923-06-24
HOW TO AVOID GETTING MARRIED
Heart Problems Solved for Flutterng Young Men

first one, so that. no matter how many
you sent. the recollection of one first
friendship would not lie contaminated
with mercenary considerations. When
/ say dollar, darling, of course, an
express order, or a, postal note, or
even stamps would be all the same.
But in that case do not address me in
care of this office, as / should not like
to think of your pretty little letters
lying round where others might han
die them.
But now | must stop chatting
about myself, for I know that you
cannot be interested in a simple old
fogey such as I am. Let me talk
to you about your letter and about
the difficult question it raises for all
marriageable young men.
In the first place, let me tell you
how glad am that you confide in
your father. Whatever happens, go
at once to your father, put your arms
about his neck and have a good cry
together. And you are right, too.
about presents. 1t needs a wiser head
than my poor perplexed boy to deal
with them. Take them to your father
to be sorted, or, If you feel that you
must not overtax his love, address
them to me in your own pretty hand
X x
IS a Nd now let US talk, dear, as one
\ heart to another Remember
always that If a girl is to have your
heart she must be worthy of you
When you look at your own bright,
innocent face in the mirror. resolve
that you will give your hand to no
girl who is not just as innocent as
you are and no brighter than your
self. So that you must first find
out how innocent she Is. Ask her
quietly AMI fraE,sly-remember, dear.
that the days ,'s false modesty are
passing away-whether she has ever
been in jail. If she mas not (and if
you have not), then you know that
you are dealing with a dear coniding
girl who will make you a lifernase.
Nor should the simple domestic
virtues be neglected. II girl de-
sires to WOO you before allowing
her to press her suit, ask her If she
knows how to press yours. If she
can, let her WOO; IL not, tell her TO
whoa. But l see / have written quite
as much as / need for this column.
Won't you write again, just as be-
fore. dear boy?
STEPHEN LEACOCK-"
Copyright 1oeSl
Evening star., 1923-06-24

DERSONLY hooked to the cucumber
i bed and when we found my ball
made the remark to the caddy that I
was certainly in a pretty pickle He
laughed heartily.
Mr.. Golden himself pretty near
cleared the last row of oyster plants
and said he was perfectly saIsifyde.
The card gives the par on this hole
as but IL anybody ever makes it in
that figure it will half to be after
the Goldens has played host to a con-
vention Of vegetarians.
Will not make no effort to describe
the rest of the holes in detail only to
say that If the 1st. o is tough. the 9Th.
is tougher as your I'd. shot has to go
through the woods where the EN-
peror Jones watched the new UT. in.
All and all they was only one made
in our 3 trips around the course, this
honor falling to none other than Bus
ter Browns father. Dick OutcauIt.
Mr.. Golden don't have no tee boxes
on the course as he says the water
would attract mosquitoes and they
was all ready enough bugs paying him
visits. So instead of using mud to tee
your ball on. he gives you these little
wooden tees that you stick in the
ground and they look like a toadstool's
youngest boy.
But during the last round we had
lose all those kind Of trees and had to
use whatever come handy. One mem
ber of the foursome took out his up
per teeth and used them for tee on
the last hole But he gtInmed his
shot.
RING w. LARDNER.
Great Neck, Long Island, June o..
Evening star., 1923-06-24
Electric Towing Barge.

AN electric towing barge capable
\ of towing sixteen barges through
tunnel in forty minutes has for
some time been in commission at the
Hardcastle tunnel in England.
Formerly the method employed for
getting barges through the tunnel
was ratherSa crude one. The. men
would lie on their backs on the deck
of the barges and push with their
feet against the wall of the tunnel.
The time taken in the journey was
more than two hours. It was with a
view to lessening the time required
that the railway company introduced
the electric barge.
Evening star., 1923-06-24

Otherwise they's a bus runs along
the main I'd, from Flushing to Roslyn
which will drop you within q Of a
mile Of where you want to go. Dur
ing the wlS. this bus runs every hr.
but the service is better on Saturday
and Sunday so that Is the best time
to hook your tee shot unless the rest
of the foursome amt in no hurry.
You often hear people Dragging
about there pet golf course and say
ing this or that hole is the sportiest
hole in the world. Well friends tip
my $500 hat to the I'd. hole at the
Golden club. This hole is 100 yds. in
length and the fairway on same is
just short of 2 yds. wide.
Right acrost the fairway and about
so yds. short of the green stands the
wire back stop of a former tennis
count, 10 ft. in higth.
On both sides of the fairway, all
the way from tee to green, Is rows of
assorted vegetables. A topped tee
shot that rolls off the fairway to the
right lands in the rhubarb and may
he justly called a sour shot One of
the parties to our foursome done this
twice during the P. M. and before he
was out the Cd. time he had materials
en- his niblick for 2 pies.
Evening star., 1923-06-24

IF you are SO fond of freezing" she
dib, please get out Ice Cream Freezer
and grind 9 OTIS gooseberry ice cream
for Daughters of Sahara Patriotick
Sociable which meet here this after
noon pm"
4 = i
THCSLY speaking she slamdoor.
i What was l to do in ali that heat
with every pour opening and shutting
till feel like I would get rabbi and
bite something? Yet I was perfectly
good Samaritan in spite of pain. With
considerable bravery in my wrists
and elbows. ] obtain Hon. Freezer
and commence to froze. | crank &
crank till I felt quite cranky. With
Hon. Handel rotating round & round
resemble an emotion picture camera
doing so while my brain whirl in 5
reels. seeing iced mountains of Can
ada with frosting on top.
Just then look upward. What do
/ see? @. -,
4 very Pluto ottomobile, all sur
lounded with golden Jumps and 5th
ave glasswear, stop by backyard
gate and who should got out in his
cane walking with a silk hat on? My
Cousin Nogi. as sure as gunfire.
Togo" he commute with rapidity
peculiar tc Life Insurance Aet.. do
not. ask me to eXplsn because maybe
l couldn't. But this morning l
awoke up TO dishcoyer something
nice. | are End cousin to the Emp
tf Japan
Nc" That from me.
Yes" This from him.
"Well-so," 1 renig, and what NO lid
that make me?"
My valet" he pronounce distinc-
tually. with my own royal hand
| now confer that job on you. How
would you like to take v6yage with
Inc to Canadian n. w, Banff Lake
Louiza, topside edge of High Rockies
where icicies are grown. where every
rospectus pleases and only man is
Nile?"
Where is it?' L ask with choke
Where is what?" he corrode
Evening star., 1923-06-24

oAIE wears ago, when l was
editor of a correspondence col
umn, I used to receive heart
- broken letters from young men
asking for advice and sympathy. They
found themselves the object OF marked
attentions from girls which they scarcely
knew how to deal with. They dld not
wish to give pain or to seem indinerent
to a love which they felt was as ardent
as IT was disinterested, and yetthey felt
that they could not bestow their hands
where their hearts had not spoken.
Tbev wrote to me fully and frankly,
.nd az one soul might write to an
other for relief. I accepted their
condolences as under the pledge OF
a secrecy. never divulging thelrl dls-
closures beyond the circulation OF my
newspapers or giving any mint OF
their identity other than printing
their names and addresses and their
Ietters in full. But I may perhaps
without dishonor reproduce one Oh
these letters, and my answer to It.
inasmuch as the date is now months
aro. and the softening hand of time
has woven lis ioOSS AAo "
;ta-the mellow haze Of "reminiscences
has.-what / mean Is that the young
man has gone back to work and is all
right again.
Hero then is a letter from a young
nan whose name must not reveal,
hut whom I will designate as D.. F.,
nd whose address / must not divulge,
hut will simply indicate as Q street,
west.
Dear Mr.. Leacock:
.F-or some time past 1 have been
the recipient of very marked atten-
tons from a young lady. She has
been calling at the house almost
every evening, and has taken me
out in her motor, and invited me to
concerts and the theater. On these
latter occasions / have insisted ON
her taking my father with me. and
have tried as far as possible to pre-
vent her saying anything to me which
would be unfit for father to hear.
But my position has become very
diff1cult one. I do not think it right
to accept her presents when can
rot feel that my heart is hers.
Yesterday she sent to my house
a beautiful bouquet bf American
Beauty roses addressed to me. and
a magnificent bunch Of Timothy hay
for father. I do not know what to
say. Would 1t be right for father
Evening star., 1923-06-24
My hat" i explode.

My hat / explode.
And when neXtly seen l were riding
toward Canada with Cousin Nogi,
holding his hand for fearful might
lose him.
MIR. Editor. to make a short story
long. me & Nogi went To Canada by
very straight road till we arrive to
very high peeks where we found the
grandeur awfully nice. 1t were 81
pleasant to hear Hon. Wind making
Wild sows amidst pine trees and eat
fried deer IN forrest with nothing
around but Indian guides. And the
glaciers. / nsHer Supposed they could
get so big 1t you have an imagina-
ton. attemp to pull it out both ways
until it will cantaiE chunk of ice 200
It high with me and Nogi on top,
enjoying cold feet. Are you siprised
that / got lofty thoughts up there,
thinking how many fat gentlemen
was falling down from sunstrike in
y. Y, Philadelphia. Louisville &
Nebraska?
O what fun we did experience. slid
ing down waterfalls into lakes what
was just like glass, only softer when
we hit. When the sun sat down at
cventide we could fish and catch all
sorts of things from the Indians.
They were quite wild. One of them
was an Indian Guide who lived at
Hollywood at winter and had never
seen civiliza ton And o such smelly
wildfowers. such wet brooks, such
hotels
In these Hotels we met cansidera-
ble Janus Americans. One of them
look kind of sheep and hide behind
post when / spy.
What name, if any?" 1 ask Hon.
Hotel.
Hon. AL Smith" report Hon. Hotel
I He feel shy because he have just
Eilled BILL
Bill who?' I require.
Mullen Gage" he banf. was
confused.
/. = !: = x
DRETTY soonly l observe another
important American jay-riding
around Lake Louiza i'll a torpedo
Evening star., 1923-06-24


golfer single or wed who ever
to himself has said that if he
Il ever got hold of enough
he would buy himself a place in the
country big enough so as he could
have his own private golf course with
no grounds committee to keep NOV
ing back the tees and no bd. of gov
ernors to apologize to?
Well friends I would like to sur
prise you by saying that I have OBJ,
tanned the above utopia but unluckly
the place / refer to as my country
estate has just about got rn1. for 2
regulation mumbledypeg courts.
I do happen to know a man how
ever who has recently completed a 6
hole links on his own property and
whereas this man use to go down
town every am. and dictate a lot
of souvenir post cards, why now days
he won't even accept a position as
pail bearer un1est the funeral is
mashie pitch from home.
The gent in question is none other
than John Golden a producer of clean
plays and the Golden Golf club, as
some one has aptly turned it, is To-
Gated on the nights above Little Neck
bay hard by the buxom little city of
Bayside, Longs Island. Mr.. Golden
is also a member of the Hole in IL
club and author of a standard golf
text book entitled the Stance for the
kth. Brassey.
1t is the writer's good fortune to
be a friend of Mr.. Golden as the both
of us In vary derocratic and cornle
wks. ago was invited to partake of a
Evening star., 1923-06-24

regular exercise"
LTD do you a heap o good to push
dat lawn mower plies back. cause
sho Graves help in cuttin' his big
yard.
mo. zack, I aims to do dis siney-
tifc'-which means 'cordin' to de
book, as / forestated.
X X X *
NDAT'S how come when i slips in
~ Cunnels room dis mornin'
finds him settin' on de edge of his
bed, studyin' some pictures of mems
bendin' back'ards. an maxim all
kinds o sineytific motions. Look at
desc, Zack.' he p'ints his finger an
say, dis pears sensible to me. An
de music which goes wild 1t makes
you cornduck yo' self lively Den
took notice dat Cunnel had done sot
de phonygraph on his table. an tries
not TO grin whilst he walks kinder
spraddle-legged on count O. dat gald-
ed place. .Zack,' he says. fetch de
tape line. Now measure my girth.
Evening star., 1923-06-24
o YOUR FATHER, PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND NECK
AND HAVE A GOOD CRY TOGETHER"

has touched me. AS soon as 1 opened
it and saw the green and blue tint
of the dollar bill which you had so
daintily and prettily folded within
the pages of your sweet letter 1
knew that the note was from some
one that I could learn to love, II our
correspondence were to continue as 1T
had begun. 1 took the dollar from
your letter and kissed and fondled it
a dozen times. Dear unknown boy!
I shall always keep that dollar! No
matter how much I may need it, or
how many necessaries-yes. absolute
necessities-of life I may be wanting.
/ shall always keep that dollar. Do
you understand, dear? I shall keep it,
+ shall not spend it. AS far as the
use OF it goes, it will be just as il
you had not sent it.
even If you were to send me an
other dollar I should still keep the
Evening star., 1923-06-24

To Editor Star who must love Ma
ture because he print so much Wild
News.
EAREST Sir: Our greatest
joys are like broken noses:
we get them by axident
Quotation from somewhere).
For that reason I shall tell you of
slight summer trip I took last week
to Canada on the frosted side where
Hon Rocky Mts are kept on ice all
year round. by golly, & Nature looks
grand as we'll as steep. Hon. Canada
are such free country that this sweet
voyage do not cost me &c carfare
which are less than 10000000000s in
German promises.
This were how happened:
Last Wedsdy am. Hon. Thermometer
got SO angry that he blew out all the
mercury. 1t were so heated by the
sun that one Gentleman got his brain
fried while taking off his hat to
Lady Nobody could keep cool axcept
Hon. Jack Dempsey who knew how
to work without his shirt. While such
setting in Kitchin Of Mrs. c. W
ouackmire where l boil potatus and
hope they would get 'stewed before
was. Just then this Hon. Mrs. Quack
mire come in wearing beads on her
forehead.
Togo" she deploy, II got some news
that will make your blood boil
Scare me again and maybe it will
freeze" ] holla with short pants in
my breath.
I'VE are going Nowhere this sum-
mer," she relapse despairly.
80 goody!" I snarrel. That would
be considerable better than where We
are"
I'VE have engaged 600o$ cottage 6
rooms) at Vampire Beach, but when
we axamine it we find it got no roof
Also the beds do not lay and the
chairs do not set. So disappointed;
Where else could we go?"
Are not the Alps somewhat near SO
that we can get a slight freeze"
ask to know.
Evening star., 1923-06-24

to keep all this valuable hay? I
have confided fully in father, and
we have discussed the question of
presents. He thinks that there are
some that we can keep with pro-
priety, and others that a sense Of
delicacy forbids us to retain. He him
self is going to sort out the presents
into the two classes. He thinks that
as far as he can see, the hay is in
class B. Meantime / write to you.
II inclose a dollar, because I do
not think it right to ask you to give
all your valuable time and your best
thought without giving you back
what 1t is worth
X X
NN receipt of this / wrote back at
~ once a private and confidential
letter which I printed in the follow
ing edition Of the paper:
MY Dear, Dear Boy: Your letter
Evening star., 1923-06-24
BEFORE HE WAS OUT THE IND
TINE HE HAD MATERIALS ON
HIS NIBLICK FOR PIES

foursome on the newly born course
and hung up score of 27 the 1st.
time around which would be even IS
was the course a 8 hole course
instead of hole course.
On acct. of Mr.. Golden's passion
far cleanness. all patrons is request
ed to hit all there shots clean and
use a new ball every other hole.
Evening star., 1923-06-24
BY HARRIS DICKSON.

kl>oME here. zack, Who's
raisin' all dat hullaba-
loo befo' breakfast in
Cunners room?:.
The bulky black Selma reached
out from her kitchen doorway
and colfared Old Reliable, who
came sneaking down the service
stair. For some time she had been
wondering at the rollick of jazzy
, music upstairs where strange
mans voice was calling out "One-
Two Three Four"
"zack,'' she demanded, what sort
o devilment is you an Cunnel carry
in on? Is you holdin' peerade:
Or splittin' stovewood?"
Neither one" Zack kept grinning
''Sh, Seliny. Dat bigges' smash which
you heared, dat was when Cunnel
busted his bed
Busted his bed How Gomez"
Broke it, turning summersets."
"Summersets: Is Cunnel gone
plum crazy?"
"Co'se he amt" lacks knowledgy
air pestered Selma as he expounded
yves doin' dis sineytific''
"Siuey vho?"
'sineytifc. wimmens amt cotch
on TO sech words, which signify be-
'havin' yo'self 'cordin' to de book
leastwise dat's how Cunnel 'spress
hisself to me. 'Zack,' he say; "Zack.
yo' gizzards de main thing, an desc
here muscles aroun yo' baywindow
is what operates it 'onderstan',
Seliny, one o dem gizZard doctors is
'vised Cunnel to turn seben summer
sets in bed ev'ry mornin', jes to keep
spry. Huh. Cunnel's still got six
lmo' summersets to turn, cause dem
long laigs O. his'n Topped down wild
sech wallop de fust time dat he
busted de Stats out o. his bed
'Sher up, Zack. You's tellin' a
pack o. lies. Den what's dat music
for?'
Oats a tune to put pep in de
Cunnel, an make him timber"
NCELINA listened again to the bump
- ing and putting that came from
Colonel Spottiswoode's bedroom,
then shook old Zack like a rat.
''zack. de longer you travels wild
Cunnel de bigger fool you gifts, an
liar with it. Who's dat man in Cum
nel's room. countin' One Two
Three Fo'""
Ssh. OATS de phonygraph feller
which is tellin' Cunnel how to
squeeze his stummick into dem same
ole pants.'
Hush yo' lyin'.' Selma ratified
him until his back teeth chartered,
and Zack begged.
= 'Leggo, Seliny. Lemme 'splain.
Dis tomfoolery riz up last week at
de time US went bear huntin', an
Cunnel rid dat frolicsome young
mule. Co'se when Cunnel was hunt
in steady, he could lope a mustang
for nine years widout blinkin' nary
eye. But dat colt stove him up,
teetotally ruinated de Cunnel At
ter me an him limped back to vicks-
burg he say. Now, Zack, you wait
outside this drug store ontil 1 buys
a toof brush An Cunnel never
spicioned dat I seen him hidin' a pot
Evening star., 1923-06-24
Lardner Writes of Golf Amid the Rhubarb
sponsa Hole Mr. crancous Through eGnden

o the editor: Breathes they a
golfer single or wed who ever
to himself has said that if he
eyAr got a hold of enough
Evening star., 1923-06-24

L) ONE here, zack, Who's
raisin' all dat hullaba-
loo befo' breakfast in
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-05-07
j. 5. INDUSTRIAL
|. UNIT FOR WAR
PLANNED
Ordnance Bureau Farley 70 CO.
Ordinate All Work 10
Called Here.

Following up is announced policy
of mobiIizing the nations industrial
resources for ordnance production
in time of war. the War Depart
ment today announced the calling
OF a conference Monday between
Acting Secretary Of War Davis,
officers OF the ordnance bureau and
chiefs of ordnance industrial dis
tricts.
This conference viii lay the foun.
dation for co-ordinating American
industry into one big unit which
can function Immediately in time
of war, and furnish the armed
forces OF the Government with sup
plies and materials without loss OF
time or exhobitant cost.
The problem of classifying and
surveying commercial industry was
delegated to certain prominent civil
ian business men in 1922, these men
bearing the title Of ordnance district
chiefs. They will report on their
findings at Mondays conferences.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-05-07
.S7OO,OO0,000|S
SOUGHT BY
SIOUX
Ask U. s. TO Pay huge Sum
for Lands They Claim
Under Treaties.

The United States today will be
made defendant in the biggest law
suit ever brought against the Gov
eminent when the Sioux tribe OF
Indians of North Dakota, South
Dakota, Nebraska and Montana
file their petition in the Court OF
Claims by their attorneys, Major
Ralph III. Case and Capt. C. C. Cal
hOnr..
The suit is brought under an act
Of Congress passed in 1920. giving
the Court OF Claims jurisdiction,
and demand il made in forty sepa-
rate Items for total Of $219. 1884,
1882. Interest 10 demanded on
many Of the items, and with the
Interest computed as a part Of the
demand, the total involved il more
than 500, 900. 900. The Sioux bring
suit under treaties with the United
States az far back as 1875, and
their principal claim 10 for value
bic lands taken from them by the
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-05-07

United States in the Black Hills of
South Dakota.
The Sioux claim an area OF more
than 100000 acres was taken
from them in 1875 in violation OF
their rights and without just com
pensation being paid to them. This
area includes the Black Hills, where
gold was discovered shortly after
the civil war.
The Sioux do not ask that the
property be returned to them and
therefore the suit viii not jeopar-
die in any way the title of the
present white holders OF the land.
What the Sioux do ask, however,
is payment for the land taken and
they say the mineral land was
worth 500 an acre and the timber
land was worth $50 an acre at the
time 1t was taken from them.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-05-07

and other places on the arctic
coast, but seventy refused to de.
sert the ships. The vast ice pack,
holding ships and men in an un-
breakable grip. carried them into
UNEMPLOYED regions.
EskimOs Escape.
Eskimos escaped from the ice
pack after having been carried far
north, have returned with stories Of
silent ships, hard and fast in the
great pack, white with frost and
manned by frozen crews.
Cogn1Zance has been taken of
these reports by standard works of
Alaska. In his work, Alaska, an
Empire in the Making" John J..
Underwood makes this statement of
the phantom fleet: Stories of phan.
tom ships held fast in the ice are
brought down from the northeast
erly shores of the Arctic from time
10 time by Eskimos, and it may be
that some of these vessels, with the
frozen forms Of many men lying on
their decks, still are floating hither
and yon at the mercy of wind and
tide in that circling ice field, more
than 5000 miles in circumference.
that surrounds the North Pole"
Some OF the Eskimo reports tell
of ship alone in q vast solitude
of ice. Other reports tell of several
ships in sight Of each other. Esti-
mates vary on the number OF YES
sells that have been carried into the
Polar basin from the waters north
of the American continent and
never been heard of again, but the
number runs close to forty.
While scientists are mainly inter
ested in the observations to be
made by the Maud during her drift
and with the possibilities of new
lands being discovered, old time
Arctic navigators are more con-
cerneA over the chances of the
Maud sighting and perhaps Joining
the Phantom fleet"