davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29
It's Very Embarrassing
BY RING LARDNER

, the same fortunes ike Mr.. Phillips
only l will 60 a step or further
than Mr.. Phillips and add that not
only you can't tell male from female
by their name but they's several other
things by which you can't tell them
apart no more.
Like for inst. you can't sometimes
tell them by their looks and you can't
tell them by their hair and you can't
tell them by their voice and you can't
tell them by their clothes.
You can't even 60 in the smoking
car and be sure that the party who
you set down next to with a stogie
III their mouth amt the mother of s
or children.
Lots of times you feel like telling
a story which you would not want
your sister to hear but they's no way
of telling if the party you want to
tell it to is your sister or an Elk.
1t don't even do no good to open
up the conversation by asking the
other party what is their first name
because at lease 40 per cent of the
women folks these days has give them
sells first names which use to be for
men only.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29

She had had Hers and was quit.
ting cold. She said that the King OF
the Human Race could 70 and get 9
new Girl to burn Incense in front OF
him.
Not that she had soured on Matri-
mony. On the contrary, She believed
that she. could be very happy with a
Rough-Nec0 who drank Synthetic
Gin. spilled Cigar Ashes on the
Doilies and laughed at the comic
Strips.
All she asked was the Privilege Of
getting off somewhere by herself and
putting Sugar on her Tomatoes.
She wanted to claim, once ngain,
the heaven-born Right to. pick out
the color of Ribbon TO be used in the
odsing of her Lingerie.
OF Course she was blamed by the
entire Circle of Acquaintance. A
good many Persons said that she
didn't know when she had Good
Thing.
When the Divorce Trial came up
she happened to go before. a Judge
who was almost Human. He listened
to her Story and when he learned
that she had taken the Gaff for over
two Years he not only gave her the
Decree. with Alimony and Custody of
the Offspring. but also awarded her
Carnegie Medal for Heroism.
Moral: Don't be too Efficient il
you expect to find a Co-Efficient.
Copyright, 1913 by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29

Well they's only one way can
see for this horrible situation TO be
relieved and that is for congress to
give up their poker game long enough
to pass few laws in regards to
same. In the case of people that
writes books. why they should ought
to be compelled to state their gender
in parenthesis both on the cover and
the title page. Like for inst. it ought
to say "The Love Worm. by Billie
Gordon (Female)' or "The Garter
Snake, by Jerry Burnett (Neuter)."
Then If you was out in company and
somebody asked you had you read the
Garter Snake you could say oh yes,
1 always read its books.
In regards to smoking cars the rail-
roads could simplify the situation by
setting aside the last or 4 seats for
the SO called fair sex and have
federal law that they would half to
remain silent during the trip So as
the men could read their papers.
Further and more it would be VS..
the law for woman to bum a cigar,
cigarette or match off a man.
On bathing beach where pretty
near everybody is in their bare #. it
amt so difficult to distinguish be-
tween the sexes as most men is fiat
footed and don't sQueel so loud but
to play it safe they should be q law
providing that all women must wear
badge with odd numbers and the
men wear even numbers or vice versa.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29

Once there was a Man so compe-
tent and self-controlled and syste-
matte that people hated TO see him
coming.
He made a Specially OF exploiting
all the Trade-Marks of Superiority.
Whatever the average Poor Fish was
not, that was what he strove 10 be-.
He wanted nothing in common with
the ordinary human Prune. He felt
that he would rather be looked up to
than be Popular.
He prided himself on operating as
infallibly as a Cash Register.
When other people wabbled, he
functioned.
This Lad never had to beg any
body's Pardon for anything. In an
Emergency he was there-fOrty ways
from the Jack.
He could juggle such Words as
"Fouchsafe' and "Eleemosynary
Often he complained that the Cold
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29
Fable of the Superguy
BY GEORGE AIDE

made his Execution deliberate, kept
the Arms well in and looked Hole
in the Ground until the little old
Pill was safely on the Carpet.
OF course he had Travelled Every
where, preferring Rough Weather at
Sea. and never missing a Meal.
lie card-indexed his Cravats and
had Razor for each Day in the
Week. e.
He ate his Eggs from the Shell
and his Cigarettes had TO be especial
" blended for him, with a secret Per-
centage of unusual Perique. r.
oh. yes And he never missed a
Train,
Neither did he split an lnfinitive.
When convers!ng. he did not gum
up the minor Syllables and in the
matter OF Correct Pronunciation. he
batted 1000.
He was Himalnya. surrounded by
Ant-IIills. and he knew it.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29

Water in the Shower was not Cold
Enough.
At Bridge he never pulled a Boner.
On the hottest Days, his Collar
never mushed.
He could wear a Cap without
mussing his Hair.
In all his years of going about, he
never failed on a Welsh Rabbit. got
too much Oil in the Salad Dressing.
picked up the Wrong Fork, or put a
Mark on the Table Cloth.
.. Knew All the Teagurgle.
No one could stump him by asking
for inside Dope on a Late Work by
some Icelandic Novelist. He was a
Bear on the Whole Line of Tea
Gurgle.
He Knew more about the Modern
Dutch Painters than they knew about
themselves.
Once every Two Years lie would
find Play that he could sit through.
1t was his Boast that he never
dubbed Mashie Shot, because he
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29

10 liz ;Or:
One John Phillips Of Indianapolis
writes in TO register what it seems
to me like it was very legitimate
squawk.
He has read a good many books and
vile at parties he is frequently draw
cd into literary discussions on acct.
Of living in indianapolis. Well on
one occasion they was disgusting the
She'll and som ,bOdy wanted to know
who was the author of same and
somebody else said it was f. NJ. Hull
where upon Mr.. Phillips says What
other books has he wrote?"
So Of course the wise crackers give
him the laugh on acct. of f. NJ. Hull
being a woman. The same thing hap
pened in the case of book called
the Room by G. Il. Stern and on
both occasions Mr.. Phillips had no
recourse only to blush painfully.
In other Tds. Mr.. Phillips claims
it is getting so that you can't tell if
a person is q man or woman by their
name which gives rise to many en-
barrassing situations.
They has been Vulnerable occas-
sions when have personly underwent
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29

myself great deal of agony namely
a law demanding that when a woman
writes you a letter they should put
n Miss or Mrs. before their signature
so as you will knos how far to go
when you reply to same.
Personly men like Valentino and |
gets Vulnerable mash notes thu most
of which is simply signed Ethel Goob-
er or Lizzie Wust and they genally
always reqsires reply but many is
the time my style has been csamped
by the thought that a suitable an
swer on my part might be followed
by an informal visit from Mr.. Goob-
er or Mr.. Wust who has made
specially Of disobeying the Sullivan
law VS.. carrying concealed weppons.
Copyright. 1923. by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-04-29
TO VISIT SWEDEN
Texas Farmers to Spend Three
Months In Native Land.

Georgetown, Tex, April 2S,-J. A.
Bowman and Will Ericsson, Swedish
farmers living near here. will leave
in n few days for their old home in
Sweden.
While there they expect to attend
the Baltic Fair which opens in Stock,
holm May 1.
They will spend three months in
their native land and return to their
homes and families here in August.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1923-07-27
ROSEBUD VALLEY

Chas. Davorak and family now ride
in q Ford.
Mr.. and Mrs. Bundy were Sunday
callers at the Hakl home.
DR.. Davis was a breakfast guest of
Mr.. and Mrs. Hakl Saturday morning
Mrs. Bert Redmond called at the
Peacock and Reinoehl homes last Fri
day.
Mrs. Hakl kindly assisted Mrs.
Langley on Saturday while the men
vaccinated cattle.
Edwin Gustafson and Chas. Eaton
assisted Frank Brink with his second
cutting of alfalfa.
Edwin Gustafson of Hillside farm
and Victor Paseka attended the first
circus held at Wood.
Miss Francis Redmond visited the
Gustafson and Elmer Aeschbacher
homes one day last week.
The harvest season is about over
and several have finished stacking
their second crop of alfalfa.
DR.. Wilkins and a Doctor of Divin-
ity were calling at the Wilkins home
stead, which is being farmed by Jack
Good.
Mr.. and Mrs. Beck of Trip county
called at the Langley home Sunday
afternoon and attended church ser.
vices.
Rev. Void will again fill his sp-
pointment in Rosebud Valley, Sunday:
August S, unless prevented by unfor-
seen causes
Our Valley has been a busy place
during the past week, as nearly all
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1923-07-27

DR.. Mead, Eye Specialist, Aug. 6.

j. II. Bundy and family drove in
Wednesday from Nebraska for a visit
at the w. ID. Savage home.-Charles
Nix County Courier.
II. f. Cowgirl and Paul Haight OF
Burlington, Kansas, arrived here
Tuesday and joined the Frank Jarboe
touring party. They had been enjoy,
ing the fishing at Lake Andes the
past week or ten days and now are On
their way to the Black Hills To see
the sights there.
II. p. Wilson Of Happy Hollow is
enjoying a visit from his mother, who
arrived Thursday Of last week. Homer
has been building a new cement block
residence, and otherwise improving his
farm. His wife and new son and
heir are expected to arrive from Beloit
Kansas, today, friday where they
have been for the past two months.
Quite a number Of old friends and
neighbors Of the Weltons, living about
seven miles west Of Wood, came over
from Ideal, Trip county, last Sunday,
bringing well filled baskets with them
and enjoyed a very pleasant day with
their old neighbor. The Weltons *
pect to leave soon for California, where
they will make their future home, and
these friends came over from Ideal
Sunday, to have q good visit with
them before the Weltons departed for
their new home.
J. II. Bundy and family returned
home last Thursday evening from an
extende auto trip that took them as
far south as Houston, Texas. The
Bundys report having had a very plea
SAINT trip and outside of having to
pillow considerable mud on their down
ward journey, through Kansas and
Oklahoma, and the intense heat in
they enjoyed every bit of their
outing very much. Their friends here
ne glad to see them back in Wood aft
er an absence of six weeks or two
months.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1923-07-27
DR.. Mead, Eye Specialist, Aug. 6.

G.. Abourezk was at Mission, Tues
day, looking after his interests there.
The small grain harvest IS nearly
over in this part Of the country and
threshing will soon begin.
M. H. Weed returned home Friday
from Omaha, where he had taken sew
elal cars of cattle to market.
George Nelson is hav/, an addition
built onto the east side Of his resi-
dence in the northwest part of town.
Elmer Hellekson and wife, who are
new living at Presho. are the proud
parents of a baby girl born to them
July 10.
]. T. Payne and Mr.. Smith of Lake
Andes arrived here Sunday and are
visiting at the home of NJ. ID. Payne
and wife.
County Auditor Kerlin and Coun-
ty Highway Superintendent With
erspoon were Wood visitors, Tuesday
afternoon.
Miss Jessie Sinkler, who has been
attending the summer school OF
Springfield, South Dakota, returned
home last Saturday.
Ed Hellekson of Westover, and Mrs.
Long, living north of Wood, have been
enjoying a visit from their sister who
lives at Minneapolis, Minnesota.
Mrs. NJ. ID. Payne and little daugh-
ter visited with relatives and friends
at Lake Andes and Platte from Thurs
day until Sunday of this week, when
they returned home.
Thousands of cattle have been vac
oinated for anthrax the past couple
Of weeks in this part of the county,
and it is hoped that the spread of the
disease has been checked.
Bis Nollsch and family, who are
now located in the northeastern part
OF the state, arrived last Friday night
and are visiting at the home Of J. A.
Houseman, in Happy Hollow.
County Highway Superintendent
Witherspoon is now grading the Cody
White River road. The road has been
graded as far as Grahams and work on
it is being pushed as rapidly as pos
sible.
About the only wild fruit we will
have this year is grapes, of which
there will be another good crop, The
late frosts apparently killed the cher
ries, plums and other wild fruit this
year.
The Happy Hollow Threshing Co.
have disposed of their interests in
their a~~ahing rig to Fred Troutman.
OF Happy Hollow, who will soon be in |
shape to do the threshing for the Hap
py Hollow folks.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1923-07-27
DR.. Mead, Eye Specialist, Aug. 6.

0As AASS~t - 80
Free, beautiful 72-page catalog.
Nettleton Commercial College, Sioux
Falls, So. Oak. Fall term opens
Sept. 8.
The Sioux Falls Business College,
Sioux Falls, S. D., place its graduates
in good positions promptly. Send for
full information.
Mr.. and Mrs. Frank Sokolik and
family of Rosebud spent Sunday with
P. C. Mcdonald and wife here. Mr..
Sokolik is connected with the T. c,
Clark Co. at Rosebud, and Mrs. Soko.
Xix and Mrs. Mcdonald are old time
friends and acquaintance from Min
n~esota, their former home.
Fred Sinkler and Mr.. Mcdonald of
Wood spent Tuesday night in Andes
enroute home, being called by a
threatened attack Of anthrax among
the cattle of Mellette county. 1t may
be deemed necessary to vaccinate all
the cattle south of the White river
Charles Mix County Courier.
round-33x4 Firestone auto tire
and rim, Friday, July 20, on the Men,
orial Highway, near the Mellette-
Trip county line. Owner may have
same by proving ownership and pay.
ing for this advertisement. Call at
A. D:~-.x.Mno Or te
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1923-07-27

herds have been va~ccinated by DR..
Davis and helper, for anthrax.
Miss Lillian Gustafson rode to Wit
ten to attend the Sunday services and
| remained a guest Of Mrs. Void until
Tuesday.
Mr.. and Mrs. Harry Startling of
Trip county were pleasant callers at
the Rosebud Valley Stock Farm, Fri
day noon.
Miss Dorothy Dale, who has been
visiting her sister, Mrs. Zeno O'Bryan,
for several weeks, returned to her
home in Trip county Sunday even
ing.
The League of Nations" Girls
sewing club met at Mrs. Elmer Aesch-
bacher's Friday afternoon. Miss Dor
othy Hakl and Mrs. Gustafson were
visitors.
Mrs. Langley, Richard and Del
vine, accompanied Rev. Void and
Professor Nelson of Sioux Falls Col
lege to Witten and enjoyed the Bap-
fist Association of Churches. The
people of Witten are to be congratu-
lated on the cordial spirit shown and
the cooperative way in which they
worked, making the affair a real
success.
The Mellette County pioneer. [volume] (Wood, Mellette County, S.D.) 19??-1971, 1923-07-27

Total precipitation from January /,
1923, TO date -l5.Oo
Precipitation, previous years:
lal3-l7.96. 19l4-19.57. 19l5--32.42.
l916--l8.S2. 1917-18.21. 1918--19.5S.
l9l9--2O.32. l92O-2s.15. 192l-1S.2O.
W22--24.53.
Fred c. Kirch, Observer.
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05
Straining at A Gnat
Coiorado Springs Democrat

C0I0rddo Springs DemOcrat-
An outraged Republican organ much local repute of
Senator Busums Pueblo Indian Bill 1T haunts justice Its
passage would be betrayal of the Indians But when
berang Judas scro had nothing the notorious
Republican ockmaster who represents the interests in
Mexico that Ppps represents powers that
Indeed Judas piker compared to Bursum Judas
read cast down the pieces of silver the temple and departed
and and hanged himself"
Solomon writes of those whose teeth swords and
their teeth knives devour the from off the ea
and the needy from men, and in this connection he
speaks of 1.-The horseback that hath two daughters crying
give
Bursum betrayal of the senate by falsely representing
his colleague Borah who made inquiry his
innocent looking BILL which the paper mention well
camouaged that designed to the rights
the Indians By these methods the chum of Senator Phpp
New Mexcouaran of the Dodge interests
and protege of Secretary Fasneaked his BILL that faunts
justice" thru the senate.
But why all senator attempts to punder
dwindinp tribe of Indians? Didn't Bursum and his sheep
owning and abetted by senators of the Penns
vania schoovote wooden goods that compels the
of America annual sufficient to
maintain permanently every Pueblo Indian buck and
poose at the Broadmoor? Why all this straning at gnat?
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05
Schools OF Crime

TW'TTO tNIttuIN-
In the old be said that the saloons
grade schools of and there abundant evidence
port the statement Today booegng to be the unver
sy extension that brings practical training criminal
methods and experience rural precinct and city ward
short and practical the manufacture and dis
tbuton OF illegal ntoXicants sufficient the farmer
the cowboy the city youth for bank ROBBERY highway robbery
train robbery of the plain branches of felony Boot
logging only breeds law and hatred
law enforcement but incucates disregard for human life
enemity toward public officials hatred of and judges
The student who violator law, quick
ly becomes enemy toward all law He who make
quickly and easily in illegal desires to
make much possible without regard the
in which it is made
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05
NOTICE OF FINAL PAYMENT

On and after January 10th 1923, the
same being at least ten days after the
first publication of this notice, final
payment will be made by the STATE
HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT, to Mon
arch Engineering Co., located at W.
Colfax & Larimer St., Denver Colo,
Contractors for an so Steel Truss
Bridge over East River near Almont,
Gunnison County, on St Highway No.
63 and designated as State Project
No. sos.
The total amount paid the above
named Contractors inclusive Of final
payment will be $S,6S2.79.
Persons TO whom sums are owed for
labor or materials, in connection with
the above Contract, should file claims
with the Chief Clerk, STATE HIGH
WAY DEPARTMENT, Denver, Colo,
before the above mentioned date.
l.. d. BLAUVELT,
State Highway Engineer.
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05
PROSPECTSFOR
'23 PROSPERITY

The general industrial outlook for
Colorado at the beginning Of 1928 is
much better than it was At tho begin
ming Of 1922, according TO survey of
conditions made by the State imrnigra-
ton Department
There has been a substantial in
crease in the price Of both zinc and
lead in the past few months. which
has had the effect Of increasing ac-
tiyity in many Of the states metal
mining districts and bringing about
conditions which promise further in
creaSes during the coming year. The
demand for tungsten. molyhedenum
and vanadium also appears 70 be in
ereasing rapidly with diaappearance OF
surplus stocks accumulated during the
war, and a gradual increase in the
operating schedules Of the country's
steel mills The Colorado Fuel and
Iron mills at Pueblo arc now operas-
ing at more nearly their full capacity
than AZ any time for several months,
and the outlook for further increases
in production appears good The
states coal mines, while not yet
operating At full capacity have in
creased their output steadily in recent
months and present indications point
TO q considerable increase in the 1923
production over the low output Of
1922.
Prices of livestock are much better
than they were q year agoo, and there
is apparently some increase in live
stock operations in the state over
those a, the beginning of 1922. The
number Of hogs and dairy cattle on
the farms Of the state has apparently
increased somewhat in the past twelve
months and there is gradual improve
ment in the financial condition Of the
stockmen' since the low point reached
late in 1920 and early in 1921.
Prices of staple farm crops also
are much improved over those Of a
year ago, with notable exceptions in
the cases of potatoes and apples Hay
and other feed crops now are bringing
from 25 to SO per cent more than they
brought at the close Of last year and
the demand is sufficient to absorb the
entire surplus output of the state to-
gether with any surplus that may have
been carried over from the proceeding
year. Prices of wheat have advanced
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05
Pulling
the Throttle
~ By ChristsDkss
- " c. hasas1
; II.i. w..t.r. S.-.p.p-r Uass.I

- IS:4. wsstsus S.~spsp-r CntsaD
TT Is the custom Of certain raIl.
way engineer to have his boz
Il with him nov and then in the en-
gin- cAb. The youngst-r states that
be has -rtng-i the bell and blown the
whistle" but thz; he has not get
pulled the throttle"
This seems TO be the matter with .
good many older ones OF the peesen,
generation. and II may explain their
lack OF progress. They have ruas the
bell and they have blown The vAistie.
but they have Neglected 70 opsa The
throttle
That Invisible force that Il In - all
responds wonderfully vhsn ve call
upon Il. but 10 osiy Q pseaees an1 d.
n!nishins sn<rU Until ss %. Deil
and whistle may Advertise tAas vs
have steam up. bat they eassee get
~ sioas. They may both b eesivs
while ~ are really sievfAg -, me
the train that approaches . stsp.
Ths statioo may b q pern,ansne.
tSt - Se~s ~ SS0sS ~ 49, -
farther. vs may arrive at . des1 lin,
In life While yst yssAs. bseaoss ws
have shut the throttle instead q open
Ing u, turned o6 seeam instesl Of
turning II on
Thsss never vas mere chance for
progress thsn this New Tear u e1er-
ing. Never before did oppoftuni,y
bseken more earnestly. Never vas
talsn, - much In demand. never vas
capacity % much seeded. Never was
ability % largely rswarded 0rea,
positions wait fer those who can all
them. Ambition may plan. Aspirs-
usa may hope
But ! wouldn't vaat Q fast ysung
msn on my road. I wouldn't have q
loud young woman In my once
Cigarettes shut sn steam. The call i
not for no!se. but for efficiency, !
can watch . young mans smoke when
that IL about all there is OF him. I
can hear q belle ring when would
nrefsr to have her busyi
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05

Mrs. II. l.. Spencer and little boy
came during the holiday season from
Nucla, where she has been teaching
and joined Mr.. Spencer, who is at the
U. S. government forest Office here.
They have rented the Zweifel house on
East Gunnison.
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05

Mrs. Ellis Johnson and little grand
son, Ralph Allen Jr., went Saturday
night to Denver, where Mrs. johnson
will spend some months in the hope
that lower altitude will benefit her
health. Master Ralph will attend
school in the big city.
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05

steadily for several weeks, and tho
prices for future delivery are consider
ably below those for cash wheat there
seems to be a general feeling among
observers that the 1928 crop should
prove more profitable to growers than
has that of 1922.
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05

CO'orddO Springs DemOcTdt-Mr. iardings secretary Of
agriculture tells his annual that while the price Of
farm products has made slight advances these advances have
brO relief the farmer the things he buy have
advanced than the things he sells But Mr.
Wallace the farmers knew all about that before told them
What they would like hear the Harding remedy the ills
Your party has had control branch of the
federal government since March 4, Iceland it is half
past Harding Your party shoot pronto, give up the
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05

Mrs. Douglas Cogard, sister Of Dr..
George Sullivan, came up Wednesday
from Grand Junction for a visit. She
plans to join her husband later in San
Diego, where he is located with the
navy.
Gunnison news-champion., 1923-01-05

TARGETS for sale at News-C Champion
office. One cent each. Promptly
sent on phone or mail order.