davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
Summer Cottage Names
BY RING LARDNER

To the editor:
When a person has got enough OF
this worlds goods so as to be able to
buy there family a summer cottage
OH some lake or ocean they genally
always find themself faced with q
problem that in great many incl
dence has drove them to the verge
of insanity and in several cases Has
caused brawls which has came near
disrupting the happy home, namely the
problem of what name to give the cot
tage after it has been boughten, for il
seems like it is a social error to have
a anonymous summer cottage and no
one but the veriest bounder would live
in Il cottage without name.
The problem would be simple
enough if cottages could be named
like trees which in most cases the
names don't mean nothing, but the
rules of naming cottages demands
that the name either be appropriate,
that is, descriptive of the cottage it.
self or the grounds surrounding the
cottage or the inmates of the cottage,
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

raven Locks stood out behind.
He and an Undertaken in Urbana
Ohio. and the Capitalist in the
Movies were the only three Men in
the World still wearing Prince AL
berts.a
The Looms standing around in
their Regalia listened TO the SYM
phonic vox Humana and allowed
that he was Immense.
The Winds of Chance played upon
the taut Strings of his emotional
Nature, producing sweet Harmonies
which have no Market Value but
are wonderful to listen to.
That is how he became the Whole
Cheese.
He was nominated for Mayor be-
cause he had sung his Siren Song
in every Precinct. Everybody said
that if he could be elected he would
be just the man to welcome the
Eagles when they had their State
CONVENTION. They wanted some one
who was qualified to sit at the right
of the Toastmaster.
During the Campaign the popular
Nominee fought the Civil War over
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
Wanted Assurance

Little Frederick. en- route with his
parents, was put to bed in the lower
across the aisle from them an elderly
gentleman occupying the upper over
him. 1t was Freddie's first sleeping
car experience and he was a little
nervous. His mother, to reassure him
said: "Now don't be afraid, mamma
and daddy will be just across the aisle,
and you know God is always with
you
After the lights were turned out that
lonesome feeling got too much for him
and he called ont:
Mother, are You there:'
Eyes. darling" mother answered.
I'm here"
Daddy moment later-"are you
thereT'
"Yes. son. I'm here. Go to sleep like
good boy"
In n moment the questions were re-
peated. with answers satisfactory-for
the time being-to Freddie, IL not TO
the other passengers. ~,
After Z short silence his voice agaiH'
cut through the chr with, Mother,
are you there?'
A deep voice from above announced:
Eyes, your mother il there shy your
father is there and 1 am here
Then came Freddie's tremulous
query:
"Mother, was that God:"-Boston
Globe
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

or else that it suggest pretty senti-
ment such as that visitors is always
welcome and they can. stay as long Gs
they want to and are guaranteed Il
good time as long as they stay.
1t is these requirements that makes
the choice Of a name such tough
Undertaking because in most cases
neither the husband or wife can get
a inspiration without straining them
self and in other cases what the hus-
band thinks is suitable don't make no
hit with the wife and vice versa with
the result that they often quarrel and
exchange violent language TO say
nothing about rights 10 the Jaw.
'sBut laty pretty near every resort in
the country one can find cottages
with such cunning and appropriate
titles that there owner or who ever
named them must of been inspired o.
is blest with bright mind and these
kind cant help giving encouragement
as well as hints to there lest fortu-
nate brethren that perhaps amt quite
as witty and clever.
Some Descriptive Titles.
For the benefit of the last named /
will give couple Of names which /
observed on the fronts of summer
cottages during recent visit to Lake
Wawasec, Ind, which many people
may not Of ever heard of same but IT
is said to be the largest lake in the
state which produced Geo. AIDE ana
IIoosier Cream beer.
Well n good example of the type OF
name which describes the inmates
. n y. A 1.
name "Laffalot. This means that
all the members Of the household is
constantly GRAZING jokes which
keeps the family and visitors scream
ing with mirth and is probably the
merriest household in Indiana and
therefore you couldn't hardly find a
nicer place to visit.
Another sample OF the descriptive
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
rl01nn.
Sims
Say@

Dollars are supposed to be well
made. But they won't last. You must
keep making new ones.
A dime looks like a dollar to q
small boy. And a dollar looks like
dime TO n bootlegger.
Some people are so generous they
throw pennies around as If they were
five dollar bills.
About % is the proper age for
girl to marry. If she let's him reach
"A he becomes unruly.
Reading mans palm to deter
mine his future isn't as sure a way
as asking his neighbors.
Pottery making is the Oldest art,
unless you count making n living.
A use for old safety razor blades
has been found at last. Pickpockets
slit pockets with them.
II you have the right laind of po-
litical bunk you may be able to
swap it for an easy berth.
In spite of the fight by many dane
ing masters against jumpy dances,
the jig is not up.
Peace of mind is often destroyed
by a piece of mind.
These air mail pilots make good
time because they have fine roads.
Poor brakes cause auto crashes.
Bad brakes cause business crashes.
Wheat acreage will be cut to boost
prices. Expecting larger prices, they
will plant more.
Printers will hold their next con-
ve1tion in Canada, much 10 their
wives suspicious.
Leather dealers hold their next
meeting in Iowa. a ruling on restaur-
ant steaks is expected.
Women are so touchy. Detroit one
asks divorce Just because he split a
plank over her head.
It seems only natural that the
throne is slipping in Greece.
Seven Ohioans held a picnic up in
balloon. which is one way to keep
| things out of the lunch.
Detroit robber was n college grad
uate. but they caught him.
Even basketball is dangerous. In
New York. n girls cheering a play
| err led to marriage.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
The Song Bird and the Cyclone

Once there was an incorporated
City that was looking around for a
new Burgomaster. 1t was real
American settlement. Whenever it
needed Public Official to hold down
Job calling for Executive Skill,
Business Ability. Energy and Per-
servance. the rivet-headed Voters
went out and elected some Lodge
Brother who was Popular and could
tell a Good Story.
No Municipality will rally around
a Local Light unless he Is well liked
by all Glasses, and any one who
never has made Enemies in Rube
Town has no business handling a
large Organization, because the
chances are that he is a Softie and
Mark.
Hence the Bond Issues.
In the Burg already mentioned
there lived a bright and gabby Law
yer who was. as you might say. the
Ideal Candidate. He was very Bril-
liant but could never pay his Store
Bills. However. as HandShaker
and Beamer he was there, both ways
from the Jack.
He could talk about Nothing What
soever for forty minutes at Stretch
and leave the Impression with his
feeble-minded Listeners that he was
a combination of DemOsthenes,
Daniel Webster and Albert Bev-
eridge.
One of his Speeches got into Print
once and it nearly ruined him, be-
cause cold Type cannot show the
Quiyering Nostril and flashing Eye or
reproduce the Chest Notes and the
Tremolo.
This Boy was certainly a Hound
when it came to biting into the
English Language. He had some
used before in that Neighborhood and
so he was generally supposed to be
Profound.
Just to show you how good he was,
the members of a Fraternal Organ
ization. who wore Plumes to every
Funeral, gave an Oyster Supper in
honor of Brother. who had just been
elected 10 the State Legislature. The
big Noise of the Evening was pulled
by our Friend, the Spell Binder, and,
before he got through. the Honored
Guest. who owned Milk Route. could
see himself in the White House re-
ceiving Populations from all the
Crippled Nations of Europe.
He Trails With the Winners.
OF course this Human Harmonica
was affiliated with one of the great
Political Parties. Upon coming OF
Age he attached himself TO the one
having a safe Majority in the City
and County. He had reversible
Conscience and a double set Of Con-
victions and he could have joined
the other Gang just as easily, but
he knew of no good Reason why he
shouldn't trail with the Winners.
So he kept himself Regular and
made Speech whenever the Com
mittee sent for him.
When the Federated Marching
Clubs were assembled in a Grove
with several Trees in it. the, lawyer
stood out on the Rostrum and in
toned so effectively that very often
little Children began TO Cry.
He had an equiline Beak and the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

| could not resist the Temptation to
let down the Bars and invite all OF
the Hungry to come in and partake.
In q short time everything was
wrong-end to, although, there. never
was a Moment when the Thrush
could not offer voluble Explanations.
A great Crisis impended.
SO finally the Influential Citizens
of the Town called Meeting to de.
eide whether they should impeach
the River. They worked on the Board
of Aldermen and took all Authority
away from the Chief Executive. He
was mere Figure-Head, but he re-
tanned his Hair and the Prince AL
bert.
The Nightingale was succeeded by
Business Manager-a quiet Person
with steel-gray eyes and square
Chin. He was so hardboiled that
he had no Friends at all and con-
sequently no one could slip anything
over on him. He did not belong
TO any Secret Orders and so all that
Business Of giving the Sign Of Dis
trcss was absolutely cold.
He was Watchdog over the
City Funds but he was an awful
Shine when it came to making n Pre-
-sentation Speech to the Lady who had
taught in the Public Schools for
30 years.
He couldn't have been elected
Junior Custodian of the Pest House,
because he was so busy all of the
time Saving Wood that he could not
get out to rub Ointment into the
Boys at. the Railroad Shops or de-
liver the Diplomas to the Graduates
of the Business College.
All he was good for was to guard
the Budget and make Life Hell for
every Contractor.
As a result of his brutal Efforts
the City was saved from BANKRUPTCY.
The Ark of the Covenant came
through without n Scratch.
City Employees began TO enjoy. for
the first time, the novel Experience
of Working for Living. The
Checker-Players had to find new
Lonfing Place. It was all very Revo-
lutionary and contrary to that time
/ honored Adage reading as follows
"A Public Office is Private Snap"
MARBLE. But Avoid Machinery"
Aiter tue StOrlH WIS over ana the
Danger had passed by, the Minstrel
Boy emerged from the Cyclone Gel
lar and brushed himself off and an
nounced that he was ready to go back
on the Job.
Now that there was Money in the
Treasury once more the Exgencies of
the Situation seemed to call for the
Services of n Good Mixer who always
had box of Cigars on his Desk and
possessed the knack of making Visi-
tors feel at Home.
So he oiled up his Vocal Organs
and took the American Eagle out of
the Cage and invented a new set of
Gestures and got ready to. crate all
over the place and be the entire
works once more.
"Oh Pish and a couple of Tushes ="
exclaimed Public Opinion,S "Sit on
"a. }Bimb@ and MARBLE, but don't come
near the Machinery"
Moral: Sweet and pretty are the
uses of Adversely"
Copyright, 1923, by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

title is seldom Inn" which indicates
that the family is always getting in
vited TO parties or else they are GO
ing on family picnics of there own
and for that reason if you want to
call on them, you better phone them
first or you are libel to find. them out.
An example of an inspired title
along these lines is the name. Hello
nidO." 1t seems that the family own
ing this cottage had four daughters
who"e names was Helen, DoriscA Mil
dred and Dorothy and l don't h1f to
tell you that Hellomido" is made up
of the names Of the four daughters,
In fact anybody but a dum5ell that
seen the name would know instantly
that the people living in the cottage
had four daughters named Helen,
Louise, Mildred and Dorothy.
Q Last but not lease of the descrip-
tive titles which / recall is the title
"Suitsus" which indicates that the
reonle that owns the cottage is per-
fectly satisfied with where they spend
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
Let the Youngsters Alone
BY o, o. M'INTYRE.

was even able 10 twirl it withou;
missing note. That latter fea;
struck me as particularly hopeless
Also-while he was courteous = he
didn't appear TO give boot in Hobo
lus about his elders.
Salvages the Wreck.
The fathers life was snuffed out
in train wreck about two years ago
The business, handed down from one
generation TO another, was III bad
way-due to the times. The ukulele
playing youngster jumped in and sal
vaged the wreckage. The business is
on its feet and prospering. But, dagl
gone it all. the young man still plays
the ikulele. That's what makes mt
mad as all get out.
Flapperism. after all, gets back &C
staid old first principle. You can
not judge by appearances. The pcs
top trousers. dinky coat and postag,
stamp cap we wore in our moon-cali
| days no doubt were as evocatiye Of
merriment as the sport shirt and plest
ed trousers of our younger generation
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

may mean come in and set down or
lie down and it may also mean ttaD,
if you do come in try and be Gtiet
as the baby is taking her nap.
These examples may be of value
TO prospective cottage owners or
people that may of just boughten
cottages but can't thinl; of no name
for them and personly l wished space
permitted me suggesting few new
titles out of my own head but will
conclude by saying that If any cot.
tagc owners amongst my readers is
either state senator or II L. ).
senator. it might not be bad idcar
to name your cottage Senator Lodge.
Copyright, 1923. by the Bell Syndicate
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

again. gave his patronizinG approval
to Abraham Lincoln, denounced
Europe, attacked the Enemies of Or.
ganized Labor, extolled the myriad
Virtues of American Womanhood
and. in many other ways, demon
strated that he was just the Guy to
sit in the Office over at the City Hall
and plan the new Water Works let
the contract for the High School and
re-pave all Of the principal Streets.
When he was sworn in he received
over 800 Floral Tributes and deliT-
cred an address in which he spoke
very nicely of the Stars in Heaven,
the Sanctity of the Home and Old
Glory.
He Retains the Prince Albert.
Then he went TO work spending
the Taxpayers Money, using the
Methods which had kept him broke
for 20 years. His idea was TO re-
ward. financially, every Good Scout
who had ever laughed at one Of his
Anecdotes. He had shouted for
Economy before Election, but after
he found himself in the Rich Pas
lures he was so big-hearted that he
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

Nearly every one past thirty has
had a swat at the cake eater and flap
per. The nearer we are to the skull
cap and slippers the more we are in
clined to snarl at Youth.
Looking back as l approach the FOR
tieth milestone | am glad TO confess
shame at my own intolerance although
l have never been able TO feel the
white hot rage of many of their critics.
Most of us suffer from an over
whelming conv:etion that because our
adolescents are not playing hop-scotch
and mumbly-peg the world is in dol
drums and a national decadence has
set in.
Viewing the matter calmly. flapper-
ism is largely a matter of dress. The
girl who wears the Tapping galoshes
is blood kin to the girl of thirty years
ago who shocked us with spring heel
shoes.
There is a mighty kinship between
the puffsleeve of yesteryear and the
rolled stocking of today. Each was 4
product Of fashion.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
Drummed Out

The summer class at high school
the other day were on the subject of
Napoleon's invasion of Russia and
his famous retreat. "What was il
happened TO Napoleon at Moscow
asked the teacher.
He ran away was the quich
reply.
ayes. OF course. but that isn't
hardly the right expression to use for
such a momentous phase of history
Can you not think of a better exi
preston TO suit the occasion. Will
its rumble of big guns. its roll q
drums"
"Sure,- cried the boy promptly
"they beat it.r--Los Angeles Times
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
there summers and is therefore a
happy and contented family.
Some Have Double Meaning.


happy and contented family.
Some Have Double Meaning.
Now for some samples of the other
kind of a title, namely the kind that
expresses a pretty sentiment or can
be taken to mean that visitors is wei
come. One of these which i have
also saw at other resorts besides
Wawasee Lalae is .Bidawec" which is
Il Lithuanian word meaning "Stay
VILE This is just as much as CON-
ing right out and saying to prospec-
tive guests that the family don't
want you to so away as soon as you
get there.
Another one of this type is "Uwan-
ankumbak" which at first glance
person might think it was the name
of an Indian wrestler but when you
figure it ont it is. just a new way of
spelling "You want to come back
which means that they are so nice
that If you visit them once you WE
certainly wish to visit them a 20.
time.
One very similar to this is
"Uwilikus" which ! heard some poo
pie say. that they thought the family
might be overconfident but chances
are they have got some pre-war gin
or something which is now scarce
article in the Hoosier state as i call
it.
The name "Restawile" may have Il
double meaning. For one thing it
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

Cotton brokers take their business
very seriously.
One of them stood on the sidewalk
eclipse Monday.
well" said a friend, walking up
and putting his hand on the brokers'
arm, ado you think this eclipse is
going to have any effect on the cot
ton MARKET"
The cotton man screwed up his
lips and slowly shook his head.
No." he drawled, in all serious
ness. 81 don't believe it will"
The other burst out laughing.
"G'wan you old fraud" he chuck
led. Its wonder you didn't say
the market would 90 IN because all
the cotton pickers are stopping work
to see the moon slip in front of the
SUM-"
Obituary editors who deplore the
dearth of words appropriately de-
scriptive of the proceedings of the
living in the dispOsing of the dead
might enrich their vocabulary by
studying the diction and style of a
cOlored brother who edits high
toned sheet that circulates in these
parts. He is at his best when "writ-
ing up" the death of an important
member Of colored society. though he
sometimes rises 70 dizzy literary
heights when the subject is--or rath.
er was-merely of the common-herd
type. Recently he made an extra
heavy draft on his journalistic talent
announcing that Brother Blank
mOurned by all. would be especially
funeralized" the next day.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
City Cousins

There's whole lot said about the
country cousins going TO the city. but
sometimes ;hc shoe is on the Other
foot as was the case recently when
n Covina man came tn Los Angeles
to pick up a relative from Chicago
As he mOtored toward home the city
girl ;uddenly shifted and asked.
"What is that odor frora those
ficlds?"
"That's fertilizer.r
"For the lands sake"
Certainly, ma'am. LOS Angeles
Times.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23
What Do You Know About That?

ONE he sH5k H s s ssa Fsp as s stripped
oS G ysa sars1 a S s I s
Geerp ' Gf 'F 9a ssm' of the excavations"
%SH hG%G ser @ 6 Sn vt ~ei s two gu"
ONE BY ONE THE coUNTRY's are being met Government
the holly cream ''Of maze from the leaves
cp 1 HnG up tree the r F d GT
ted ao o%a' wit" his green head 0''ns up over the truck sides a"
ALTHOUGH THE system of traffic control is old
enough to . be taken matter Of pedestrians continue
Officers P"sssrsy Houston street the other day @ thrill
to up ' street car 0'ef''n the signal and was compelled
o MS s TssT2s ss p .a Of soS mud n
Ocay months the Mexican S said n"0 SS III ' particular
oaT or ass H ais IN tell aS in @ s &
Bible book Hh"
5 1 sH n SG Bo gf soda G pop sn e a'S s
g ss here % "2a S san n 5SS but
ONE 1ogYs PAPER E, has solved her difficulties
THE Guss AND DISCUSS club held protrset& session trying to
%aS Perforated
A n w drove
of them nks He
studen a and dumb school
Wlkens
the driver old f felt fattered at the
from big roll and left the courtroom perfectly happy
SAYS HE NEVER PAID linguistic
by
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

NJ. NEVER PAID 10 linguistic
wishes position
office both best reference
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

The people the "UwiIikus," might
be a bit Over-confident but chances
are they have got some pre-war gin.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

PLAYER ON THE MUNICIPAL links few days drove
all of sinkers cussed He
student from deaf and dumb school upstate
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

FIRST willingly Judge Wilkens
vyer faered the
the driving that the smlngy peeled tn
from big roll and left the courtroom perfectly happy
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

CUSs AND DISCUSS club held poracted session try
which the the fellow who invented Every day in
way the who perperated Yes have bananas
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

ONE YOUNG FIAPPER has of her di
She puts into all her cosmetics.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

THAT OUTDOOR APPETITE spoke itself The Lights
trip the Buverdc hills last Sunday when 1900 people ate 600
brbecued meat and drank 1900 bottles soda 700 bottles
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

A PORTER WHO BOOTLEGS sideine told a
plenty of good liquor added IS
here of it haint had much chance for exercise
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-23

OUT OF FIFTEEN EMPLOYEES in a downtown Offices
them church membernot able tell offand in what be
Bible the Nearly thought book of
in the Old Testament.
Ellsworth American. [volume] (Ellsworth, Me.) 1855-current, 1923-02-07
WEST ELLSWORTH.

The Farm Bureau held an all-day
planning meeting at the grange hall
January 23. Twenty-Five members
were present.
4 Miss Martha Barron has returned
home from Ellsworth Falls, where
she has been nursing.
Timothy A. Hamm died at the
home of his daughter, Mrs. D. G.
Trueworthy, January 3, of bright's
disease and gangrene. Although
living here only about one and one
half years, he had made many
friends, especially among the chill
dren. He leaves, besides the daugh-
ter mentioned, a son, Frank, of this
place, who helped to care for him in
his last illness, and another daugh-
ter, Mrs. Nellie Batchelder of
Brooks; also one sister, Mrs. Josie
Freeze of Bangor, five brothers,
seven grandchildren and three great
grandchildren. He was in the seven
ty-ninth year of his age Funeral
services were held at the home Mon
day afternoon, Rev. Clarence Emery
officiating. Interment was at Birch
Grove cemetery