davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1923-04-03
Current Comment
Petering Out!

Things in Europe seem to be quiet
ing down. AT least revolutions have
dwindled to revolts, and revolts to
soups de etat." and these in turn will
degenerate into street corner discuss
ions. and peace will reign.-Omaha
Bee.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1923-04-03
Can't Please Everybody.

Many of President Harding's APP
pointments have been criticised but
that doesn't mean anything. The same
thing would have happened had he
appointed the critics.-Toledo Blade
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1923-04-03
Southern Viewpoint.

Cotton is now 80 cents a pound.
Who wants to change the Harding
times for Wilson's ''buy-a-bale" stuff?
Winston-Salem (N.C) Union Repub-
lican.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1923-04-03
Possibility.

One dollar now buys 10000 marks
If Europe keeps on fighting instead of
getting to work, one American dollar
will buy half the continent-San Fran
cisco Bulletin.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1923-04-03

Grover Cleveland Bergdoll has gone
TO Switzerland from his haven of ref
ugc in Germany. Which is the first
real indication that Germany is pre-
pairing for another war.
The Caldwell tribune. [volume] (Caldwell, Idaho Territory [Idaho]) 1883-1928, 1923-04-03

The human body generates enough
heat during the day to melt A pounds
Of ice and raise the liquid 10 boiling
Doiut.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
nth of Series About P. T. Barnum

was created on purpose to be my
Wife,
There was a pause. Barnum refused
to express any opinion on this state
ment. Now, MIR. BarnuIn" the gen.
eral continued, you've always been q
friend of mine. and want you to say
good word for me to her. I've got
plenty of money and / want to marry
and settle down. / really feel as
though l must marry that young
lady"
Barnum's Favoritc Pun.
The little general was excited. but
determined. Barnum was amused,
and, INDUCING his inordinate love OF
pun-and that pun in particular,
since he had already used 1t once on
Jenny Lind-he said, "Lavinia is al.
ready engaged, general" ITO whom
Commodore Nutt?" the general asked
with suspicion and jealousy in his
voice. NO." said Barnum. "to me. !
The general was immensely relieved
and lie insisted that Barnum's con-
tract must not interfere with his hap
piness. Il hope you, will favor my
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

! suit with herr" be asked
"Well, general" Barnum said, 81
will not OPPOSE you in your suit, but
you must do your own counting. But
| tell you, Commodore Mutt will bt
jealous OF you, and. more than that
Miss Warren is nobody's fool. You
will have TO be careful, if you want
to succeed"
The general. was confident and &c
tive. Ec abandoned his yacht and neg
lected his ponies. Much of his time
was now spent at his sisters house
in New Yors City, and every day hi
visited the Museum for pleasure.
Commodore Mutt grew jealous. ant
he resented the generals frequent in
trusions.
knocks General Down.
When the rivals were left alone In
the Museum dressing rooms one day
the commodore laid the general flat
on his back, for the commodore was
why and alert. while the general, who
was eight years older, was portly and
slow.
Although physically the general was
at disadvantage, in his courtship he
had the advantages Of man of wealth
and leisure over a person who mus
work every day for his living. While
Commodore Mutt was entertaining the
Museum patrons, Gen. Tom Thumb
was entertaining Lavinia Warren
Sundays and evenings, when Lavinia
was at leisure and the commodore was
not present, the general chatted shyly
with her. ard by his constant presence
he indutiably established in her MIND
the reason for it.
Finally. satisfied that he had made
discreet and sufficient progress. Cen
Tom Thumb returned to his neglected
family in Bridgeport. But before he
left New York he begged Barnum &c
invite Lavinia Warren to the Barhun
house in Bridgeport for the weekend
He wanted his mother to meet La
vinia.
Invited TO Bridgeport.
On the following Friday. when the
commodore and Lavinia were sitting
in the Museum green room. Barnun
said. "J.avinia. would you like to &c
up to Bridgeport with mo tomorrow
and stay until Monday" "Thanl
you," she said. ait will be greet re-
lief TO get into the country for q
couple of days"
"Mr. Barnum." said the commodore
81 should like to 70 ur 20 Bridegroom
tomorrow. "What for?" asked Bar
mum innocently. Il want to see nv
ponies; I haven't seen them Tor sew
eral months"
Barnum WIS afraid that he could
not spare both Lavinia and the COM
modore from the Museum. he said,
But the commodore insisted that lie
could perform ut half-past seven Sat
urday night and catch the eight
O'Clock train for Bridgeport
Barrum did not wish to lose the
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

set brooch, earrings and studs of the
finest workmanship, and Mrs. Au-
gust Belmont sent "a splendid set of
silver chased charms"
Dinner With President Lincoln.
In the course of their honeymoon
Gen. Tom Thumb and Mrs. Tom
Thumb visited Lincoln at the White
House, where he gave a dinner and
reception for them. Lincoln Used La
vinia because her face resembled his
wife's. The dwarfs retired from pub.
lie life for few months. but soon
they were weary of their privacy, and
together with Minnie Warren and
Commodore Mutt they toured Europe
for three years.
1t was said that the commodore be
came "a fast young man" after hi:
disappointment, and when he made
advances to Minnie Warren, she re-
fused him because of his past.
In 1874 Major Newell, known q,
General Grant Jr., was added to the
troupe of famous dwarfs. The major
and Minnie were married in 1877. Ii
July, 1878. baby was about to b.
born to them.
Doll Clothes for the Baby.
Neighbors in Middleboro. Mass.
where they lived with General ant
Mrs. Tom Thumb, saw Minnie cutting
baby clothes from doll patterns, one
sixth the size or ordinary baby
clothes. A girl WAS born and dice
four hours later. Minnie died of ex
haustion soon afterwards. At birth tn,
baby weighed five pounds. ten ounces
Major Newell later went to Eng
land. where he was very popular. H,
married an Englishwoman of normal
size, and when lie died at the age Of
60 he left n widow and two children
Gen. Tom Thumb and Mrs. Ton
Thumb had one child, who died of in
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

Gen. Tom Thumb was the first but
I the last of Barnums midgets. In
|61 he discovered another remarkable
'arf whom he christened Commodore
hit, and he exhibited the commodore
| the general ut his famous Broad
~ museum as the 1.-TWO Dromios. I"
Not long after this Barnum ac-
ired a third midget, young girl
1med Lavinia Warren. Lavinia had
||sister, Minnie, who was also a
|farf, but it is a curious fact that
||o older brothers and two older
Pters were all over six feet.
with the advent of Layinia Warren
1.-THE Museum, Barnum found that he
II started midget romance of love
III jealousy.
at this time the spectacle of the
Two Dromios" had ended; Gen. Tom
iumb was on a vacation in Bridge
|ft, and Commodore Mutt was the
Nv other dwarf at the museum.
|jrhe Commodore Is Fascinated.
|)rhe Commodore was about five
hrs younger than Lavinia War
but age has never acted as a
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

Tom Thumb went home early in the
morning, the commodore was once
more in good humor, for. although he
was suspicious, he was still uncertain
Of the exact extent Of the generals
progress.
On Sunday evening the general had
n short conversation with Lavinia,
and that night Lavinia and the COM
wodore went back to New York; to.
gether. There is no report of their
conversation on the train.
The general sent good friend to
Iavinia's mother, with letter, and
the friend also urged the suit per-
sonally. On the following Wednesday
the general went TO New York. where
he waited in Lavinia's company for
her mothers answer.
Afraid to Tell Him.
Both Of them entered Barnum's pri-
vate office Wednesday afternoon, and
Tom Thumb said: Mr.. Barnum.
want somebody to tell the commodore
that Lavinia and l are engaged.
I'm afraid there will be row when
he hears about it," "Do it yourself,
general" was Barnum's suggestion.
"Oh. l wouldn't dare do it," said Tom
Thumb. He might knock me
down !" Il will do it myself" Lavinia
decided.
The general retired. and Barnum
sent for Commodore Mutt. When
the commodore entered. Barnum said
Commodore, do you know what this
little witch has been doing? The COM
modore had no idea. "Well, she has
been cutting up one of the greatest
pranks You ever heard of. She almost
deserves to be shut up for daring ia
do it. Can't you guess what she has
done?'
He looked at Barnum in silence for
moment, and then in a low, tremb.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
BY M. r. WERNER

commodore's friendship, and Lavinia
did not seem to object to his company
of the Weekend party, Barnum con-
fessed that he knew nothing of La
vinia's opinion of the rivals. At the
time he believed that she wished the
presence of the commodore to prevent
a declaration by the general, but she
confidcd nothing to him.
Gen. Tom Thumb waited with his
best coach at the Bridgeport railroad
station on Saturday morning. The
coachman was dressed UP for the &C.
casion with broad velvet ribbon and
new silver buckle on his hat. The
general drove Barnum and Lavinia to
Barnum's house, and then he took
Lavinia for a drive.
A Midgct.Size Home
Stopping with her for a few min
utes at his own house, he showed her
the rooms which his father had or
dered TO be constructed midget size.
and also showed her the gorgeous
diminutive furniture which filled
these rooms. Then he drove with her
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

did not think she would be lonesome
Il wish i was going over" Tom
Thumb said. Il know all about the
different countries, and L could ex.
plain them all TO YOU"
THAT would be very NICE Lavinia
admitted.
"Do you think so.' He moved his
chair closer.
"Of course" she said calmly. with
out emphasis. 1T would be pleasan,
to have some one along who could an,
swer all my foolish questions.
II should like it first-rate. il Mr.
Earnum would engage me- said the
general.
II thought you said the other day
you had money enough and were tired
of travelling" Lavania said, slyly
teasing him.
"That depends upon my company
while travelling" said the general, gal
liant and bold.
"You might not find nay company
very agreeable" suggested Lavinia.
Il would be glad to risk it," said
the general.
"Well, perhaps Mr.. Barnum would
engage you il you asked him."
Would you really like to have mt
go?" the general asked. "a he insinu
ated his arm around the back of the
chair. He did not dare to touch hei
yet.
"Of course I would" she said gent
ly.
The generals arm boldly encircled
her small waist. and he turned her to
wards him. Don't you think il
would be nicer if We went as man anl
Wife," Lavinia was surprised, and
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

BarnuIl and his midgets. Left 10
right: Commodore Mutt. Gen. Tom
Thumb, Mrs. Tom Thumb, Minnie
Warren.
I she removed the generals arm.
When questioned further, she said
| that she did thin,S it was all very sud-
den, but the general did not agree with
her. He finally~ argued away her
doubts with kiss, and she consented
TO marry him il her mother granted
permission.
The Commodore Is Too Late.
A few minutes later carriage
drove up, and the bell rang. Commo-
dore Mutt entered. You here, gem
cral?" he asked gruffly.
YES" Lavinia answered for him.
Mr.. Barnum asked him TO stay the
night. and we were waiting for YOU"
Where is Mr. Barnum?" asked the
commodore.
He has gone to bed, but supper
has been prepared for you," Tom
Thumb said.
Il am not hungr7, thank you" said
the commodore brusquely. "What
room does Mr.. Barnum sleep in?" He
was told, and he went up TO see Bar
mum. who was reading in bed.
Mr.. Barnum." the commodore ask
ed, "does Tom Thumb board here?"
NO." said Barnum. tom Thumb
does not board here. invited him
to stop over night, so don't be foolish,
but go TO bed"
ION, it's no affair of mine; ! don't
care anything about it. Only |
thought he'd taken UP his residence
here" And he went off TO bed, but not
to sleep.
Ten minutes later Tom Thumb
rushed into Barnum's room. Were
engaged, Mr.. Barnum We're en-
gagged What do you think OF that. :"
as that possible?" asked Barnum.
"Yes. sir, indeed it is. but you
mustn't mention it. We're agreed to
tell no one, so don't say a word. I'm
going TO ask her mothers consent
Tuesday"
The next day. Sunday, Lavinia said
n/hing about the event of Saturday
night. She treated Commodore Mutt
with her usual cordially, ard as Gen.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14
|arf and Giant - two extremes
among Barnum's exhibits.

tx on affection, and in this respect
|teast three midgets did not differ
ID ordinary men and women, for it
not long before Commodore Mutt
fascinated.
5avinia Warren was well-man-
Id, demure, intelligent. and she
pretty pink checkh. The commo-
was a sprightly. gay boy of sew
zen whose susceptibility to wom-
charm seemed in no way limited
Bis size.
mong the many presents of jewell
Which Barnum made to Lavinia for
fuse in her exhibitions was a small
which was still too large for her
fingers. Barnum, inadvertently,
sested that she give it to the COM
lore as present. The commodore
delighted he regarded the ring as
ken that his obvious interest was
)rocated.
avinia was uneasy, for, as she
ided to Barnum, she could only
I'd the commodore as "a nice boy, "
Q she considered herself a serious
led woman: had she not taught
ol? She continued to treat the
nodore Kindly, but she refused to
urage his attentions.
eanwhile, Gen. Tom Thumb was
ding his time in bridgeport with
ponies and his yacht, which were
favorite sources Of amusement
he had come Of age.
> visited New York one day
dropped In TO see his friend
Barnum at the Museum. He was
,duced to Lavinia Warren, ard
chatting pleasantly with her for
ort time the general hurried to
tum's private office. As soon as
were alone. he asked Barnum for
He'd Information about Lavinia
her family.
Pm Thumb looked up at his friend
estly and said with emphasis in
iminutive treble voice, "Mr. Bar
that is the most charming little
/ ever saw, and l believe she
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

ling voice, he said. looking full at La
vinia, "Engaged?"
Yes" said Barnum, actually en-
gagged TO be married to Gen. Tom
Thumb. Did you ever hear of such a
thing?"
"Is it so, Lavinia?" the commo-
dore asked earnestly.
"Yes, it is really So" said Lavinia
The commodore turned weak and
pale. He choked, turned on his tiny
heel. and when he got to the door. he
inst managed TO say in broken voice,
Il hope you may be happy"
That's pretty hard" Barnum said
to Lavinia.
81 am very sorry" said Lavinia,
but i could not help it. That dia-
mond and emerald ring you asked me
to give him caused all the trouble. y
Lavinia Warren was placing too much
responsibility on n small ring.
The Woman Halter.
Whe nthe commodore's last hope
was destroyed, Barnum, endeavoring
to comfort him. said. Never mind,
commodore, Minnie Warren is better
match for you anyhow. She is two
years lOuHStL tiuH NOu. anu isdNlHii
is older" THANK you, sir. but | would
not marry the best woman living. i
don't believe in women" was the COM
modore's reply.
The wedding of Gen. Tom Thumb
and Lavinia Warren took place at
Grace Church in February. 1863. when
the general was % years old. and his
bride 30. The governors of several
states, members of congress. army
generals. millionaires. and men and
women of old New York ancestry were
the spectators.
President Lincoln and his wife sent
the couple gorgeous set of Chin
csc fire screens" Mrs. Cornelius Van
dcrbilt gave them "a coral and gold.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

Elimination of the brain two and .
half years after her birth. A
The general died in 1883 at the aeo
of 40, but Mrs. Tom Thumb lived to-
be u, dying only few years ago, IN
1919. Nv
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-10-14

Girls! An abundance of luxuriant
hair full of gloss, CLEANS and life
shortt follows genuine toning mn
of neglected scalps with dependable
"Danderine.
Falling hair, itching scalp and the
dandruff is corrected Immediately.
Thin. dry. wispy or fading hair IS
quickly invigorated, taking on new
strength. color and youthful beauty.
"Danderine" is delightful on the hair ;
a refreshing, stitailating tonic-not
sticky or greasy! Any drug store.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

THE DOOR Of opportunity fiings
i wide its portals only to the
man who is up and doIng-wno -
filed with pep and punch-W1tn
rich, red blood tingling through MIS-
veins. Mountain size obstacles
dwindle to ant hills and ambitions
become accomplishments to these
sort of men.
Where is the employer who seeks
the man who is physically run.
down?-The man without stamina
to withstand the knocks and gam
of the hurrying, scurrying world OF
business?
S. s. s. is the long established
and time honored creator OF red
blood cells. You cannot expect to
get very far up the ladder unless
you are equipped with a body that
is strong and vigorous. 8. .. >.
will start you on your way. Don't
allow the Door of Opportunity"
to be closed to you because you
have not the stamina to Withstand
the gaff-because your nerve power
is lacking. Build up your system!
S. S. S. made of carefully select
ed and scientifically prepared and
proportional herbs and banks
makes you Ct! Get back that old
time punch! When opportunity
/ knocks be ready to answer the
| call!
! S. S. s. is sold at all leading
drug stores. It is more eco.
nomical to buy a large size
MA bottle.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
BUT

Modern life" said the
Poetical young man,
with all its many and
Varied conveniences and
Inventions is becoming
A trifle complex"
but"
Replied the practical friend,
THE simple life with
None of these same
Complexities is likely
To be just a (wee bit)
Complex also"
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

A man in Pittsburgh is seek
ing a divorce because his wife
wouldn't speak to him for days
at a time. Now here's an ideal
wife married to the wrong man.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

With friends around her who
know. the woman of uncertain
age discusses everything else but.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The wife who trots out the old
headache every time you want her
TO go somewhere.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The only man we know of who
was really great in his wife's
eyes died a few days after the
wedding.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The miss who chews gum while
he is trying to tell you funny
tory.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The deb who thinks she's flop
ped into society because she
wears a hat like the one she saw
on Miss Bankroll.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

Q.-Why do they call Boston
the city of baked beans?
A.-Because they have a lot of
hot-headed people there, we
guess.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The dame who sits next to you
II a crowded car and leaves You
III covered With hair off her sum
ner furs until you look as though
you belonged in a dog kennel,
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
PRETTY PESTS.

The flapper who steps on your
foot because she's too busy rub
herring at another bird like her
elf; and then begs your pardon
with an infection that it is q chal-
,enge and forty below zero.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The girl who has learned what
she thinks is French in 3 finish
ing school and kurls hunk Of It
at you when you are entertaining
i Iinquist.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

It's unfair to number convicts.
because to some of them it serves
as a constant reminder of the
combination of the safe they were
caught trying to crack.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
For Brainy People.

Q-Can you describe a real
hero to me?
A real hero is a fellow who
loses his weeks salary at poker
strolls into his home at 4 o'clock
In the morning and then scolds
his wife because she wasn't up
waiting for him ready to make a
hot cup of coffee before he drop
ped off to sleep.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
Phil Ossify Says.

The fellow who said there was
safety in NUMBERS never faced
two irate wives who claimed him
as friend husband
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
Ry Nat n. DOrfman.

~YO matter what his business
M associates may think of a
u big man, it's his caddy who
knows what he really is.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

Q.-Is 1t proper to leave a
friends home ten minutes after
eating a big meal at his expense?
Alt all depends on whether
he's the Kind of a host who ex-
poets you to sit down and play
cards with him until you've lost
quite a tidy sum.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

o. am a beautiful girl, nine
teen years of age. have a million
dollars in cash, am considered
brainy, and have three suitors
after my hand. vet I'm unhappy.
What's the trouble?
Ayes. we have no bananas.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

@S.S!sl ~: s::: y z s!
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

Lives of golfers all remind us,
AS they play games on the sly,
OF the scores they leave behind us,
Scores that always tell a lie!
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

A fashion announcement says
women are going to wear under.
wear trimmed with fur this fall.
Now to complete the joke, won't
somebody put a fur-lined bathtub
on the market?
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
JINGLES AND
JABS
BY La Monte Waldrnn

BY La Monte WaIdrOY. I
INKS hear that Bonehead
Sapp has got job at last
In a restaurants
Binks- Splitting the beans. / sup
pose.
The critics who never 60 to
the movies" continue to knock the
movies they never go to.
DISILLUSIONED.
i wrote q poem to her hair.
A sonnet to her face 80 fair;
I called her paragon Of girls
With skylike eyes and teeth like
pearls;
raved in meter DER her lips
Like buds from which the glad
bee sips.
And when ia sung my rounds
lay,
She asked: How do you get thaA
way?"
Ella is a very bright girl.
Why?
She thinks political boom 10 q
big noise.
If fools rush In where angels
fear to tread, you must at least
give the dumbells credit for q Ger.
tain brand Of courage.
First Mosquito-Say, Bill, keep
away from that guy over there in
the hammock. just lit ON his
dome and broke off my drill.
Second Mosquito You should
have known better-that's an ef-
ficiency expert.
The cynic rises to remark that
a bootIegger il a person who II
half souled and well heeIed.
Madge-Isn't Effie an awful
gossip? Why. she pans every girl
she meets in the surf
Kate-Well. I always take what
she says with sip Of salt water.
Fl * 7s
The Washington times., 1923-08-29
DISILLUSIONED.

Ella is very bright girl.
Why?
She thinks a political boom 10 q
big noise.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

You can tell the newspapers
are pressed for space these days
because an editor won't consider
breach of promise love letter
unless it's within the prescribed
100-word limit.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

Marrying professional man
insures a girl a degree of pres
tige, but marrying a laborer in
eures her a life of ease.
The Washington times., 1923-08-29

The critics who never 60 to
the movies" continue to knock the
movies they never go to.