davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

TN spite Of the general opinion
in rural parts, there are more
carpet-slippers in the city Of
New York than in the entire
States Of Ohio, Nebraska and
Wisconsin.
There are more prayer-books
than in the entire territory COW
cred by the Central States.
More boobs and come-ons and
good-things than in the entire
State Of Indiana.
More honest and thrifty work
men than in New England.
More happy homes than can be
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

the Ringing Brothers Clrcus-comes to town. it's
the signal for whole new flock of jokes about
everything under the sun. Those funny fellows
the clowns-appreciate good yarn as well as
anybody, and in the intervals between perform
ances they swap anecdotes like a bunch Of old
cronies in the village store. They are always coll
lecting new ones, because it's much more of Q
job to make their fellow performers laugh than
it is to make the general public roar. Here are
some new ones they told up at Madison Square
Garden the other night just before the perform
ance Of the Ringing Brothers Barnum G. Bailey
Circus began.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
mo-" said the applicant.

NO." said the applicant.
where did you learn bare
back riding then?"
81 hain't learned It," was the
cheerful reply. 81 jes' want to-"
"Well, have you ever had
much experience with horses2"
NO." he shook his head.
"Hain't never been on a horse In
my life"
!'Is that so2" said the trainer,
and mover batted an eye. "Well,
! think I've got just the animal
for you. You've never been on q
horse before. This horse has
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

found in Missouri, Colorado and
the two Dakotas.
Hells Kitchen has run out Of
sulphur.
The entire length of the Bow
cry wouldn't furnish Billy Sum
day with one full-length sermon.
Chinatown is as mysteriously
Oriental as q piece Of Hungarian
cheesecake.
Race suicide IL as prevalent In
this town as priclxly heat in Ice
land in January. From One Hun.
dred and Twenty-fifth street
north to the city limits special
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
Said by a Cynic

There are two KINDS Of people
IN this world: Those who don't
know what they want, aud those
who want what they ant when
they want It.
No matter no old q joke it, we
can always laugh at It II the man
who tells It has just given us
back the ten dollars he owed,
after we'd given up hope.
We don't want another war.
and we don't want another peace
like this one.
The Commandments don't need
to be rewritten half % much ~
the need to Do rO-read.
A girl starts planning her
trousseau before she becomes en-
gagged: she 10 still working on Il
when her husband dies.
One point Of law which has
been cleared up recently Is that
1t Ia illegal for one lady 20 kill
another lady with a hammer.
> The new evening dresses look
like the deuce-the deuce being
the lowest possible cut.
A modern college seems to DO
a place where 1900 can Bat in the
class rooms and $4,000 in the
stadium.
do you carry ,Overcost insur.
ance?"
"Yep."
Have you got poison pie In
surance?"
yep"
"All right: let's go out 70
lunch"
Mrs. Tenton waE a great sue
cess as a one-day Senator. Why
don't the rest of them take the
hint?
Women aren't much interested
in adding cubits to their status,
il only they can subtract it from
their yaistlines.
The only time we think of the
race question is when we observe
the speed of our coloreo window.
washer
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

No matter what happens, you
always meet somebody who knew
1t would.
Flu germs are not supposed
to be contagious at . distance Of
more than five feet, but like
near-hear, they are q poor Judge
Of distance.
This country is fairly safe as
long as the people look at the
weather forecast before they look
at the foreign news.
Thoreau says that Q man never
forgets anything once learned,
but Thore0u never had to deliver
a few impromptu remarks In an
after-dinner speech.
Perhaps the strangest individ"
uAl in the world IL the perSon
who 10 still trying to keep his
New Years resolutions.
The new president Of Poland,
by the way, is called Stanislaus
Wojciachowski, but we prefer to
call him the new president OF
Poland.
A great deal of hooch has gone
over the counter since prohlbl-
ton.
The man who makes his money
with watered stock usually makes
his cocktails the same way.
Take a girl to an la carte
restaurant and watch her make
I'D her mind what to order for
dessert. IL you want to acquire
a good idea Of what eternity is
like.
Turks are Prohibitionists; light
wines, beer, and Armenians.
The man who used to lock the
barn after the horse was stolen
now puts on the chains after the
fender is smashed.
Was it an error that made the
church notice read, "All sinners
in the congregation should be in
the choir?"
Mirrors are great educators,
says an Ohio teacher. Possibly
he means that they are q source
Of reflection. --------
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

IUST before the circus left its
Winter quarters at Bridgeport
ano started out to spread excite
ment and thrills across the CONT
nent, q lean. gawky youth ap-
piled at the Offices and inquired
Il there was an opening for q
bareback rider.
He was directed to see one Of
the circus's expert horsemen,
VINO began TO ply him with queS-
lions.
"Have you ever been with q
eircus before?" he asked.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

traffic cops are appointed to LOOK
after the baby-cabs.
One Western paper remarked
last week that there are no homes
in New York. In one building
In the Bronx there are over 500
homes which are nestled so close
ly together that one tenant can's
get into his overcoat without hit
ting q neighbor in the eye.
People who spend the week
here on business try to get back
home by Saturday night so as 70
have q little excitement.
Yes, we're slipping.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

by one Of the
officials Of the
eirc u o. His
friends could
MT understand
why he didn't
storm about it.
"There ought
to be q round
up Of these
Q u Z o m o bile
thieves" de-.
clared are
y m p athletic
Q c quaintancA.
"T hat crook
that ran OF
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

Neal Corners has just returned
from bein' abroad, an when they
asked him if he saw the Leanin'
Tower of Pisa, he said, ooh, yes;
Of S0urss ] took q slant at it,"
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

never been ridden before. So
you can both start out together"
ONE Of the clowns CHANGED to
be standing close enough to
the seats not long ago to witness
this choice bit Of drama. A
woman Of evident refinement sat
directly in front Of a couple who
appeared to be bride and groom.
They were a giggling pair, and
seemed to be directing their wit
at the expense Of those seated
near them. The hat Of the
woman In front Of them drew
their attention, and the bride
commented upon 1t with ill-con-
cesled amusement. The object
Of their ridicule stood it as long
as she could, and then turned her
head, discovering that the bride
appeared to be considerably older
than the groom.
She looked from one to the
other, and then said, in the
smoothest possible tone:
Madam, would you mind ask
ing your son to remove his feet
from the back Of my chair5"
ONE Of the circus equestriennes,
v who has long dreamed Of .
home in the country, launched
her project by renting q small
farm not far from Bridgeport.
She decided that, among her
other rural occupations, she
would raise chickens. Conse-
quently, she invested In a hen
and a setting of thirteen eggs.
AS she had no knowledge of
poultry, she wrote to a poultry
journal asking how long the
eggs would take to hatch out.
The paper replied:
"Three weeks for chickens and
four for ducks"
Some weeks later she wrote
again to the paper:
"Many thanks for your advice.
However, at the end of three
weeks there were no chickens
Matched out, and as did not
want ducks, I took the hen off,"
THEY tell this one about a vet
eran lion-tamer who, on one
occasion, got so far out of his
natural sphere as to be a guest at
a fashionable dinner party. His
wife was quite thrilled at the
prospect of dining out in smart
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

Parson Snyder, of the Baptist
Church, says before we can rise
to the heights of wireless contri-
buttons by folks listenin' in on
the Sunday service we ought to
have some buttonless collections
on the local plates.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

sion. During the dinner she
glanced down the table to where
he sat between two richly-gowned
ladies, and was Mortified to OBJ
serve that he was ignoring their
efforts to be socially charming,
and was scowling straight ahead.
All during the evening she no
ticed her husband maintained this
attitude. When they were finally
alone, she burst out angrily with
"Why didn't you talk?"
"What was the use?" he ques.
toned, with indifference. There
wasn't q person there who knowD
. thing about CONTAINING"
THOSE who live under the big
tops don't have much oppor-
tunity to become familiar with
nature. A circus performer who
felt the need for q touch Of
greenery In her hotel room
stepped into q florists shop
near Madison Square Garden the
other day to make a purchase.
After gazing about for some
moments, her choice fell upon o
green palm in an ornamental pot.
The assistant approached with
Difference.
"Will it grow well In the sum
shine?" she inquired.
eyes, madam"
Don't say it will II It wontF'
she snapped. eff it does well In
the sun, will the shade nurt it,"
ooh, no, madam"
"Whatv' she exclaimed. ''You
tell me it will thrive equally well
in sunshine or shade? Young
man, you don't know your BUSH
ness. Fetch the manager"
The manager was summoned.
Even he quailed before her; but,
all the same, he backed up his
assistants statement.
"Then it is really a remarkable
plant" she commented, sarcas-
tically. "My good man, it Is
both ridiculous and unnatural"
"That's just it," said the man.
ager, quietly; otis an artificial
plant"
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

If all these here motorists keep
q kind of mental picture of the
traffic situation before their eyes,
as has been suggested by Con-
stable Ketcham, it will be a sort
of collideoscope. in our humble
opinion.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
Couldn't Go Wrong.

Couldn't Go Wrong.
RRAMBLE-We've got an addi-
- ton to our family.
Thorne-A boy?
Bran le-Guess again. I
Thorhe-A girl, then.
Bramble-Right both times
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

II q few more Of them rum
runRin' ships go down they'll
have to change the name of the
vast deep to Davy Jones's ticker,
says Judge Meeker, an righto
Gays We in reiterationA
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

THE fat lady was obviously
nursing a crouch.
"What's wrong, anyway" de-
manded the giant.
II just had an interview with
a newspaperwoman," complained
the fat lady, "and the woman
never even asked me whether or
not / believed in corsets."
Copyright. 1s23. by Star Co.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

It isn't necessary for one Of
them Broadway chorus girls to
take forty winks. Just one wink
usually spills the beans for some
poor male cuss.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

with your car ought to be caught
and punishedp'
"Well, ! don't know" re-
marked the loser. "Of course he
ought to be caught, but If the
car acts with him az it did with
me, 1 guess he's been punished
enough"
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

THE theft of his motorcar was
= taken with much philosophy
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
PETER oLEUM.

I saw q theatrical manager sic.
ding In his Office and he didn't
have his hat on. It seems he had
Just sent it out to the cleaners
}. HAMLET.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
~ the Ringing Brothers Circus Clowns

NV7HN Noah had his ark the passengers didn't very many
w subjects to crack jokes about except
remark ut looks like RAIN" wasn't good
laugh after the first ten
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

To-day I saw q woman buy q
Newspaper of q stand without
stopping to look at the ads in all
the magazines.
JOSH HATCHER,
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

To-day I saw q truck driver
get down off his truck and shake
hands with a traffic officer and
praise him. It is understood the
unfortunate man was later re-
moved TO the psychopathic ward
for observation.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

Believe It or not, but I saw
three girls go by a millinery
store without stopping to look in
the window. They were in q
street car. LUKE TIBBS.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

= While strolling in my suburb
eo-day ! saw q new house that
was actually only three minutes
from the railroad station-by air
plane. HOWSON LOTT.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

The Main Street Dry Goods
Emporium has been maxim some
alterations an hereafter the cor
sets will be found in the lace de-
paFtment.-Adv.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
Rural Editors Paragraphs

ETH EATON, over on the
Ridge road, has the Erie
measles, nine days comm
and nine days agoin'.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08
What | Saw
To-Day

IFirst prize this week, a east-iron
hot.water bottle.)
TO-DAY / saw a couple rid
ing on top of the bus.
They were sitting far apart
and not whispering lot Of sweet
nothings, They were a couple Of
men. LOU GUBRIOUS.
! saw q man standing In q SUBJ
way station eating peanuts and
he put the shucks in his overcoat
pocket. If this doesn't win the
hot-water bottle you can count
me out. LEON MACDUFF.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

HNnAANN ONhOoy cC1OI4 III C1l0
country one morning, a circus
employee encountered an unusual
sight-a man standing in a field
holding a ram by the horns. The
ram was bucking and backing
around with considerable insist
ence.
The circus man. being used to
animals a great deal more Zero
cious than rams, paused. "Need
any help?" he inquired.
"Will you kindly hold on to
this beast while climb the fence
and open the gate2" asked the
man, politely.
"Certainly," replied the oblig-
ing stroller.
Thanks" said the man from
the other side of the fence. "The
brute attacked me an hour ago,
and we've been struggling ever
since. So long as you hold his
horns he can't hurt you, and l
wish you the same luck in getting
away as I've had"
treat Britain Rights Reserved
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

A COUPLE Of negro hod-car-
IN riers were at work not long
ago on an extension for one Of
the buildings at the Bridgeport
Winter quarters. One Of them,
going up q ladder, dropped .
brick which landed squarely on
the head Of his fellow worker.
"Hey," yelled the injured
party. "Look out whar you drops
dem bricks. That brick hit me
and made me bite nah tongue"
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

While strolling along . cross
street to-day saw q chauffeur
stop his car at "Street Closed"
sign and run around the block.
This has never happened before
Ia my experience.
MISS Lutte BIBBINS.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

The pharmacists of this here
county are givin' their annual
prescription dance next Wednes-
. day night.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

Danny Green has water on the
knee, an last week his wife got
him so mad that the water on his
knee got hot an scalded his leg
internally. Bad enough, say we.
The Washington times., 1923-04-08

Great Britain Rights Reserved
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
TRAFFIC CODE
AGAIN REVISED
City Officials Rewriting Ordi-
nance in New Form.

The new city traffic code, incorpo-
rating recent amendments. is being
rewritten again by William T Bailey,
assistant city attorney.
The most important changes to be
made in the code include amendments
recommended last Saturday at a Joint
meeting Of the board Of safety and
several members OF the city~council.
The new code went into effect two
weeks ago.
On recommendation of Councilman
u. ". Buchanan the time limit for
using space in front Of downtown
stores marked by safety zones was
cut to one and half hours out of
every four and a half. Abuse of the
present regulation has caused the
change, it was said.
Captain Glenn. chief of traffic, has
recommended that angle parking be
permitted on Market St, between
Delaware and Alabama SITS. Mer-
chants along the street have asked
the change, Glenn said.
Following redrafting of the new
code. the council will be asked to
ratify the rewritten ordinance.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
BELL ATTORNEY
FINDS WEAKNESS
IN SAVING THEORY
Statistics of Witness Are
Rated as Incomplete by
Thompson,

Saving OF approximately $1,000
which f S. Chapman, expert witness
before the public service commission
in its investigation OF the Indiana
Bell Telephone Company, declared to-
Cay could be made by more efficient
management was discounted when
Chapman admitted to w. Il Thomp-
son, attorney for the Bell. that he
had failed TO consider other items
amounting to $3.50 annually.
Thompson questioned Chapman as
70 the source of his estimates and
asked him II he had taken into con
sideration any differences existing be
tween theory and practice. Chapman
said he had made "sub-conscious"
estimates.
Chapman qualified his 'subcon-
scious" determinations by citing a
case where casual observation Of the
Bloomington telephone plant con-
vinced him they were making
money" He said a report on the
plant issued later proved it.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
Buy a Pink
for Up-to-Date
Net Results

The Times Pink will carry
results and running accounts
of State net tourney games
up to and including the 3
p. m. game today.
A special Pink edition will
tell about the. 4 o'clock
game.
Basketball history is be-
ing made at the Coliseum
and some Of the best basket
ball of the year is being
played. Read about it in
The Times Pink today and
Saturday.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
FIRE STARTED BY
FAC THREATENS
POLICE QUARTERS
Paint Remover BIazeS as
Cigarette IgniteS
Fumes.

Police headquarters was threatened
by fire today.
A bucket of paint remover ignited
in the office of Oscar Queisser, secre-
tary to Police Chief Rikhoff, from the
cigarette of Patrolman Lawrence
Fleming.
Fleming and Patrolman Samuel
Lambert. were removing varnish from
the woodwork. Prompt work by po-
lice and firemen prevented serious
damage.
When F1eming's cigarette ignited
fumes from the mixture the floor and
woodwork blazed. Fleming threw the
flaming bucket through an open win
dow.
Glass in windows cracked from the
heat Queisser escaped burns by
"ducling" under his desk. Lambert
was on a ladder.
Captain Tuck and Sergeant Rowe
fought the flames with fire extinguish-
ers while Sergeant Dean turned in the
alarm
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16

A section Of roof. 80 feet square was
torn from the four-story building,
breaking automatic sprinkler pipes,
releasing thousands Of gallons of
water which damaged valuable fin
ished bedroom furniture.
White River Rising
White River rose 3.5 feet here dur
ing the night to a stage Of 1872 feet.
within SIS feet Of food stage and still
was rising at noon, according to the
Government gauge. With no more
rain Immediately in sight, the Govern
ment weather bureau did not expect
serious consequences here.
At Noblesville and Anderson White
River will reach the food stage some
time today and lowIands to the south
will be flooded, 1t was predicted.
Some summer resort sections along
the river north of the city were un-
Ger from six inches to two feet of
water.
The weather bureau predicted the
west fork of White River would reach
twenty-five to twenty-three feet at Ell
nston, in Greene County, and the
main stream would be at flood stage
al Decker, near the Wabash River.
The Euiston flood stage is nineteen
feet.
Swinford said the water stood from
four and one-haf to six inches deep
in his store and that he was unable
to leave his home adjoining the store.
Streets at Traders Point were COW
cred with water and all the houses are
surrounded with water.
Among buildings with water in
them, Swinford said. are the Conaroe
owned by Homer ResIer, John
GreeIey's restaurant and the Branden-
burg blacksmith shop
Stream Spreads Out
Big Eagle Creek is about one-quar-
ter Of a mile wide today, according to
Swinford. after having fallen consid-
erably since early this morning. The
stream began to rise about dark
Thursday night. It follows a south
westerly direction through Traders
Point, about sixty feet south of the
Swinford store. Traders Point has a
population of about seventy-flve.
White River broke over its banks
north Of Indianapolis and flooded
some summer resorts. The northern
part of Haversticks, very low
region. was flooded. but the summer
cottages in that section have been
built on stills and the annual flood
was expected. On the other side of
the river the water had not flooded
Liberty Beach or Terrace Beach.
Continued on Page g.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
AMPLE HOSPITAL
FUNDS AVAILABLE
Loans Unnecessary to Garry
City Expenses,

Although the board of public health
has ordered all expenditures at the
city hospital confined to needs of the
institution. the board has ample funds
to meet current expenses and the
pay roll, DR.. Herman c. Morgan, ex-
ecutive secretary said today.
No temporary loan will be needed
fo- some time, Morgan said. On Jan.
80 the board received a temporary
loan of $175,OOO. OF this amount, $751;
1888 remains in the boards general
fund. This amount win carry the
pay roll for a period of four months,
providing no bills were paid, Morgan
said.
Current expenses were heavy dur
ing January and February because
of an increase in the number of pa
tients.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
GEN. TYNDALL EXAMINED
Test Is Preliminary TO Federal Rec
OgnitiOn of Rank.

Formal examination of Maj. Gen
Robert II. Tyndall. commander of the
ty-Eighth division, was held today
at the office of Adjt. Gen. Harry B.
Smith as preliminary to Federal rec
ognition of TyndalTs rank. Members
of the fifth area board, consisting Of
Brig. Gen. Dwight b. Aultman, COM
mandant of Ft. Benjamin Harrison;
General Smith and Maj. Larry b.
McAfee, M c., composed the board Of
examination.
Rank of major general was con
ferred on Tyndall Oct 81. 1921. Tyn-
dali. as colonel, commanded the 150th
Field Artillery of the Rainbow divi-
sion in the World War.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
JUDGE OBSERVES
HOOSIER CULTURE
'ParIor' Not Joint Is Soft
Drink Term,

Culture among Hoosier boo1eggers
is in advance of that of Milwaukee
distributors. according to Federal
Judge Ferdinand A. Geiger. Geiger,
whose home is in Milwaukee, is
presiding over the Gary liquor con
spiracy case in Federal Court in place
OF Judge Albert b. Anderson.
Il notice this different between
Milwaukee and indianapolis, Judge
Geiger said after a day on the bench.
In Milwaukee when you ask
liquor defendant his business he says
he is running q soft drink joint.
Here it always is delicately referred to
as soft drink parlor'"
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
ILL HEALTH GIVEN
ASSUICIDE CAUSE
Mrs. Elsie Fitzpatrick Dies
After Taking Poison.

AS the result of taking a slow-work
ing poison March 5, Mrs. Elsie Fitz
patrick, so. Of 3617 w Michigan St,
died today at the Methodist Hospital.
Ill health was given by friends as
the suicide cause. Mrs. Fitzpatrick
had suffered a nervous breakdown,
they said
Mrs. Fitzpatrick was found March
5 by her eldest daughter, Dorothy, age
6. The child came running down
stairs to her father, calling, Mothers
sick"
The father. Guy. an electrician.
works at night and had just come
home.
Two other children. Rosemary, 4,
and Buddy. ,, survive.
The Indianapolis times. [volume] (Indianapolis [Ind.]) 1922-1965, 1923-03-16
HISTORIC VOLUME SOLD
First Law Book Lincoln Studied
Bought by Kentuci1ian.

LEXINGTON. Ky. March 16.-The
first law book ever owned by Abra-
ham Lincoln, which had a greater in.
fiuence than any other factor on his
character has Just been purchased by
William II. Townsend, Lexington at
torney. who has long been a student
of the life Of Lincoln. The volume,
which was published in 1924 and has
been given excellent care, is THE
Revised Statutes Of Indiana" All
biographies Of the martyred Presi-
dent set forth that this was the first
law book he ever read.