The Birmingham age-herald. [volume] (Birmingham, Ala.) 1902-1950, 1923-05-09
THE EG0TIST

You talk lot" said Mrs. Norris
sey, but every woman knows that
Il ere are but two kinds of husbands,
good and bad-and the good ones are
all dead"
If this were true we could not
analyze the 81 varieties and enjoy
ourselves SO much.Our private opin-
ion is that there are as many kinds
of husbands as there are men, but
for practical purposes. we must
group them under a few general
types. The common garden variety
perhaps Is negative-which reminds
us of charming stanza setting forth
the matrimonial state:
He Is negative husband
And l am negative wife,
Condemned to a state of stagnation
Commonly called welded life!'
No standard type OF the dominant
male is more unbearable than the
egotist. OF all perennial pests, he
stands alone. No shaft oan penetrate
his invincible armor of elf-esteem.
His epidermis resembles that of
the rhinosceros. Like Lucifer before
his fall, he stands aloft, the Great
Am of the universe.
Isn't Mr.. Hopkins tho limit7" re-
marked the assistant bookkeeper OBJ
serving the head OF the firm, while
glancing at the efficiency booklet,
telling working girls how admiration
Of the sterling qualities of their boss
invariably leads to promotion and a
raise in salary
yes. the Lord Almighty has moth
the United States consults him on
how to run the government"
Say, girls, don't you pity his wife
How would you like to be tied up to
a potentate like that "a hours day."
Well. self-centered man has his
points-he Is so busy thinking of
himself that wife might get by
with several little things. and he'd
never notice"
Yes. but it must be purgatory to
be a cipher in your own home, and
have to earn your bread and butter
by kowtowing to conceited male,
who demands homage of every one
down to the house cat"
Thus did the docile employees size
I'D the captain of industry.
Cynical women might opine that
all husbands are cyclists; but let us
confine ourselves to describing just
one.
He has his name engraved on the
front doorplate. The fact that his
mother-in law, a woman of wealth
and prominence. and two sisters-in-
law. also well known in the cOmmu-
nifty, dwell in the same house, and
have different names. makes no diff
ference. Jones Is the car. and this
Is his palace. Any mere females
lodging under the same roof must
be looked up in some other manner.
They exist only by virtue of being
the relatives OF T. Arlington Jones.
His wife, naturally. is but an appen-
dage. Naturally. he does all her
thinking for her.
Meals are served when he wishes,
and the food is the kind that is
suited to his palate. Any infringe
ment Of this rule Is regarded as dis
obedience. The morning paper re-
poses at his plate and none dare
touch 1t. In restaurants, he takes
the menu and orders for two. regard
less of his wife's taste.
AS a matter of course, he leads the
conversation, and introduces such
topics as interest him If others
carry or subdued chat on the side.
he pauses in his monologue, scowling
disapprobation, and waits till the
interruption" has ceased. He In
flates his chest like an orator, and
his sentences bristle with Il"
He is most admirable and benevolent
when not crossed-and always ad-
dresses his spouse paternally as my
dear" To him she Is delightful
creature bestowed upon him by
providence as a permanent auditor.
If he wears her out. and she dies,
hoping that the promise be fulfilled