davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
Better Amusement Parks
BY RING LARDNER

I luck. As a matter of fact the vines
on the tree would be poison ivy.
q. would. have another place
known as the Bacterial Garden where
you could come in and admire the
different forms of insect life, but
instead of having butterflies and
etc., the entire garden would be
flooded with typoid germs. This
would be another surprise.
z. L would have a shooting gallery
with trick guns that when you pulled
the trigger they would fire right back
through the butt of the gun and land
bullet in the shooters shoulder.
s. would suggest a room called
the Creeping Room where you would
half to walk through it on hands
and knees and the entire floor
would be made of razor blades turned
edge up.
Live Rats Replace Hot Dogs.
So much for the amusements them
selves. In addition to same i would
suggest a few new idears in regards
to food and drinks. Most amuse-
ment parks for inst. has a soft drink
stand where they advertise orange
ade and lemonade and etc. which amt
nothing but water with a few drops
of fruit sprinkled in and it looks 10
me like it would furnish a whole lot
more amusement if they would keep
up the same signs but when you
asked for a lemonade you would get
a full glass of wood alcohol and if
you says orangeade it would turn
out to be gin. The Riddles would
have the time Of there life.
Then in regards to the eating con-
cessions, why they would be a stand
where it said redhots or hot dogs
and when you ordered one they
would give you sandwich with
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

A electric chair which it looks like
regular chair but when you set
down in it you get shock.
A roller coaster where you have
got to keep your arms inside it or
the next thing you know you will be
without no arms but if you don't
loose no arms, about the worst you
can do it get seasick provide it
nothing happens to the machinery
in which case you are libel to get
killed.
A switchback which is thing you
are strapped into and it turns clear
over so that you are upside down
but if the straps don't break you gen
ally always come out alive.
Fairy Grotto With Kick.
Those is the amusements that has
been ON tap at the parks been TO
recently and it must be remembered
that the main idear is to amuse the
Riddles and to make it more amuse-
ing they have got hospital and a
doctor and a couple trained nurses
at all well regulated parks so that
il the children gets too much amused
they can be took care of.
Well the man that asked me to
write something in regards to these
parks flattered me with the state
ment that he thought l could suggest
a few new idears for the Riddles
amusement as they are getting bored
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

If she happened to be in the Wait
ing-Room at the Station, and a
coarse but masterful Claim Agent,
or some one else equally terrifying
happened to come across the Room
at her, she could feel her Little
Heart stand still. and she would say,
This is where ] get it, After he
had gone past, on his way to the
Check-Room, she would put some
Camphor on her Handkerchief and
declare TO Goodness that never again
would she start out to Travel unless
she had some Older Person with her.
More than once when she was at
Home, with only few other Per-
sons around the House, she saw a
Large Man come up the Front Steps,
and she would be frozen with Ter
ror, and could see herself being lifted
into a Closed Carriage. She would
slip a Pair Of Scissors under her
Apron and creep to the Front Door,
prepared to Resist with all her Girl
ish Strength, and the Man would
have to talk to her through the Door
and ask where they wanted the Coal
delivered.
Now and then a Caller would find
her Reviving herself with a Cup of
Tea.
The Caller would say: "Madge,
Child, you are as Pale as a Ghost"
Madge would reply: "Oh, 1 have
just had such Turn! I was out
watering the Nasturtiums, when a
Man i'm a Palm Beach Suit came
along the street and looked right at
me. The Gate was open, and there
was nothing to prevent him from
coming right in and Getting me-"
The appalled, Visitor would want
to know what became of him, and
Madge would explain that he turned
at the Next Corner, and she had been
as weak as a Kitten ever since.
She Is Still Intact.
On her Shopping Expeditions she
noticed Dozens IF Men, apparently
Trailing right along after her, and
she knew that her only Salvation |
was to look straight ahead and in
dictate by her Bearing that she was |
Decent. BY so doing she eluded |
many a one who wanted to Catch |
Step with her and begin a Converse
ton.
The Collected Stories of her sue
cessful but hair-breadth Escapes
from Men of the World, who seemed
to forget that all Women were not
Alike, would have filled a Volume
bigger than the Family Medicine
Book.
Happily. no one ever went quite
so far. As we 60 to Press she is
still intact and as White as a new
Collar.
MORAL: Don't Worry.
Copyright, 1es3, by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
How to Grow Thin-Eat!
BY O. O. M'INTYRE.

no way to treat fat. 1t was pretty
good TO him after all.
The most amiable people in the
world are fat folks. That is a pretty
fair indicati Of good health. And
between fat and poor health most any
one will take fat in gobs.
An interesting high light on fat
and its accumulation was given TO me
by a head waiter. He said he could
tell instantly when patrons were 60
ing to grow fat. He noticed they be-
gan to get "choosey" about what they
ate. They skipped luncheon and be-
gan eating two meals a day. They
would dodge all fattering foods.
And in few months they waddled
in TO nibble at a dry crust of bread
without even so much as drink Of
water. He says he feels like hurtling
huge steak smothered in onions at
them and telling them ito 60 TO it.
So, as a thin man who is trying
to grow fat. l am beginning TO be-
lieve there is some relation between
fat and thinking. The thing the fat
man fears comes upon him and vice
versa.
As an experiment Id like to have
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
Undoubtedly!

A roughneck arrived at hospital
in an unconscious and rather mussed
up condition. After the doctors had
worked on him, he was placed in the
whitest and cleanest bed he had ever
occupied. where he came to. The
nurse asked him how the accident &C.
Cured. He replied:
"You see. ma'am, it was this way !:
We just got orders to ball the lack
ara L wat all ~ 10 sta', tho Kelly
joint when he throwed the rotary
clutch. That started the cable and the
cat-line got caught on the dogs on the
spider and threw me against the head
ache post and that brokP my leg"
"Yes." the nurse replicd. "but
don't exactly understand"
"Neither do l." said the roughneck.
"The darn fool must have been crazy"
Oil Weekly.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
lO1un
Sims


Woman Of 6S married an old Den
yer millionaire after many younger
women failed.
Comedian was arrested as bank
robber in Kansas City. 1t does sound
plausible.
Anything can happen now. Dc
troit jury decided a policeman was a
poor judge of beer.
New York boy Of 4 is said to be
good trap drummer. That's what
comes from setting kids bad examples.
Santa Rosa, Cal, reports 6,000,0 600
gallons of wine in storage. Go east,
young drink. Go east.
Columbia speaker puts good homes
before goods schools. Boys put good
swimming holes first.
Two Prides Crossing, Mass, cad.
dies found a $4,000 pin. One may
Iluu SOll pdll sOOHs
Monroe (Mich.) robbers blew a safe
for so cents. Now their union is il
able to get them.
Ford gave Edison a car. Autos
may replace campaign cigars. We
may hear Have another car"
Wheat is cheaper than corn. And
flour is higher than meal.
Men are kicking about sleeveless
dresses. In few years they may kick
about dressless sleeves.
No matter how long you stay il
Jail you don't get a vacation.
Men have worn neckties thou
sand years without thinGng up G
logical excuse for them.
The best way to argue with you:
wife is to go out on the porch and
smoke a cigaret.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

with the old stuff so 1 have thought
out the following new stunts which
the parks can take them or leave
them as they see fit.
1. In the LIST. place would fix the
trick electric chair 50 that when a
person set down in il, be they child
or adult, why instead of just shock
ing them, they would die. This
would necessitate undertaken being
on hand to assist the doc and the
nurses.
=. would alter the roller coaster
so as to leave a big gap in the track
about 40 fl. in the air and when the
car come to that pt. it would fall
through and furnish great amuse-
ment for the passengers.
3. would install a dance hall
which they would not be nobody
allowed to dance in same unlest they
was bare footed and the floor would
look o. X. but in reality it would &c
full of splipters and by the time you
had danced once around the floor the
bottom of your #. would look like
porcupine.
4. would have a little place called
the Fairy Grove for Children which
il would look beautiful on the out
side and pictures of fairies and
flowers and angels painted on the
outside, but when you got inside it
would turn out to be a nest Of bum
Bile bees. This would come as a big
surprise to the kiddies.
5. would have a big tree with
vines climbing Up it and they would
be a sign on the tree saying that ii
you touched the vines of the tree
you would have a whole lot OF good
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

someone institute an Eat All You
Want" week just to see what would
happen to fat folks. They might as
well try it, for those l know who are
trying to grow thin are not getting
anywhere.
Does food make fat? l pause for
reply. The fat woman at Coney
Island hasn't the appetite of q canary
bird and Coney historians tell US that
the human skeleton can polish off a
plate of corn beef and cabbage that
would tax the digestion Of an able
bodied man.
The man who has to stand twice to
make shadow usually has a coal
stoker's appetite.
Thin and Worse.
l don't want TO frighten fat peo-
PIE who are trying to get thin but
l do know a fat man who wanted to
get thin because he was growing short
of breath. He finally got thin but
row he has asthma and is worse than
ever.
Ny experience has been that thin
men either turn out to be lounge liz
ards or golfists. 1 don't care for
either and l want to grow fat before
something happens.
A double chin looks better to me
than a racing Adams apple. They
will tell you a greyhound always wins
in a race with a st. Bernard, but
also notice the fat man is usually
parked behind the glass-top desk while
the thin fellow is standing in front of
him with his hat in his hand-asking
for a job.
And 1 never saw a fat man who
went in for crazy art-Dadaism, Flu
turism and the like. They may not
be genuises starving in attics but
they have pretty good time just the
same.
Anyway, one hundred years from
now those who are fat won't give a
boot. So let them eat what they
want. Jeeyes, bring on the flap
jacks!
Copyright. 1923. by the McNaught
Syndicate, Incorporated.)
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
BY GEORGE AIDE.

Day after Day the Papers had
Stories about the Mysterious Dis
appearance of attractive Young
Women. Whenever Madge read what
had happened to one of the Others
she always clenched her Fists and
said, "They will never get me-nOt
while / have Scream left in me-"
II Strange Man came up behind
her while she was walking Home
ward in the Dusk. she always gave
Timid Glance behind and hurried,
suspecting that he would Overtake
her and seize her by both wrists and
tell her not to make a Sound. She
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

1t seems to me nearly all my
friends are struggling vainly to keep
= from growing fat. They are eschew-
ing this-and not chewing that. All
the time / pursue my gluttonous way
and in ten years / have not gained
or lost single pound.
/ am so thin / was the insplra-
ton for a New York paragrapher
writing:
An empty taxicab drew up in
front Of a hotel the other evening and
Odd Mcintyre got out"
Indeed ] am so thin that l have
refused to use the editorial "we' in
writing for fear someone will write
me venomously rs they did Mark
Twain: "What do you mean we
You and your tapeworm:"
Losing flesh is so difficult l am
convinced / could be with a circus
twenty years and never lose SPAN
gle. Now / don't want the idea
broadcast I am the delicate Dresden
type. Neither am l the troglodyte.
just Naturally Skinny.
I'm Just one Of the types the world
acclaims-if at alias skinny" And
] eat everything put before mex
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

A San Antonio automobile sales
man, piloted by a gentleman of sec
ond-hand parts, called upon the
deacons of a negro church-school who
were in the market for an "as-is" car
After looking the offering over in a
judicious manner the head deacon, ad.
dress the salesman, said:
Brother Blank, All believes dc
Lawd done sent yuh to us in answer
to our prayahs."
The salesman replied: Brother
Jones, All heerd emf
Said car now belongs to said negro
church-school.
Last week police and detectives
made raid on Mason street, in which
they confiscated nearly 1000 pint bot
ties of whiskey. When the wet goods
were hauled to detective Headquarters
on motor truck, two men held in the
city Jail and who were TRUSTEES. were
put to work stacking the bottles IN
c.
They soon finished the task and
were dismissed by the guard.
While en- route back to Jail the fol-
lowing conversation between them was
heard:
Il hooked three of them bottles
How many did you git?'
Il didn't git any,"
You're poor fish,"
According to looks, the Sperry
Messenger type airplane, of which a
few have recently been delivered at
Kelly Field, is more of a toy than a
machine. The plane is equipped with
a three-cylinder Lawrence motor, has
but seventeen and one-half-foot
Widespread, 60-horsepower and has 4
speed Of 30 miles an hour. 1t is
known as the motorcycle of the air
service, both because of Its small size
and the sound of its motor.
Last week when one of the midget
planes was set up at the Air Inter
mediate Depot one Of the test pilots
in airing it out" before delivery, de-
cided the ship would make a good
plaything, SO equipped it with a large
| hOA Abt NUN was ldSltliti
on the outside of the fuselage and the
button on the tip of the control stick
The pilot first tried out his "toy''
across the flying field and all worked
well. Then be took to the Frio City
road. With the wheels Of his plane
almost on the ground he would fly up
behind motorists aud begin sounding
his klaxon. Motorists lost no time
in giving the road, but when a mo
ttorcycle did not speed by them they
began looking in all directions in an
evident state Of amszement, much IL
the amusement OF the pilot, who
would dart into the air a few yards
overhead.
After playing this game awhile the
pilot decided to give the residents OF
the post thrill, so began flying down
over the different officers quarters,
ana up and down the streets, playing
leap frog with ice wagons and auto
mobiles that happened to be out. II
was later learned, as he dove down over
one house with his Klaxon blowing al
tull blast, the officers wife asked il
astonlshment what it was.
Some kind of duck going south,
guess her husband replied.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

To the editor:
/ been asked to write something
in regards to amusement parks and
you may rest assured this is not no
press agent story as they have got
plenty press agents of there own bu;
this is Just a few suggestions as to
how they might be improved and
made more amuseing.
In the LIST. place the amusement
parks which l been to in recent yrs.
has got the following amusements:
A human roulette wheel which is
kind of a wooden bowl which you
stand up in it and it whirls around
and knocks people into each other
and if you are lucky all you get is
broken arm.
A ferris wheel which they had one
Of them in park near New York
and a storm come UP and bowed
the entire wheel into the river and
only 3 people was killed.
A chute the chutes which is a
thing that leads down into the water
and if you don't fall out of it before
you get there, why the most that
can happen to you is getting drowned
which they say is very amuseing.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

live rat for the piece de resistance.
j would start a big restaurant where
the special for today would always
be broiled mushrooms ON toast but
it would all be toadstools and |
would have a prize offered for the
kiddie who could cat the most of
them.
Those is some of the improvements
1 would suggest in amusement parks
and / would have the automobile
roads leading to same sprinkled with
lacks so as they might be a chance
of the kiddies getting throwed out
on their head before they reached
there destination.
Copyright, 1928. by the Bell Syndicate.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
Target Practice

When Mark Twain was running his
country newspaper he was deluged
with all sorts Of contributions that
would have hurried any one less than
a humorist to an early grave. One
day he received poetic effusion all
tied up with pink ribbon and entitled
Il Wonder If He'll Miss Me-" When
Mark had recovered his composure sui
ficiently to mail back the poem, he did
so, with this note attached: "If be
does, he ought never to be trusted with
firearms again. THE Argonaut.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

would reach her own Door and lean
against it, almost in Swoon, and
the Strange Man would pass by,
softly humming to Himself.
Occasionally an Adventurer with
coal-black Eyes and a Suspicious
Manner would come and sit right be.
side her in Car, evidently for some
Purpose, and she would close her
Lips tightly and resolve to do a
Brodie out of the Window if she saw
his Hand slipping over toward Hers.
Fortunately. the man kept his
Eyes on the Sporting Page and made
no Move.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

THE AMERICAN LEGION s puttn a wit
prizes Offered for the who dancing
champions Now all together.
was the chap who had lust
been sns over the fact that he mad managed SIPS the
world series and then received notice through the mails that his
insurance premium of $135 was due.
ONE YOUNG SAN ANToNIAN hopes that glass
will not be generally adopted because girl up
Will have to trade his fvver easiig
the occupants up against the topsupports rough
MAN IN THE OFFICE finger
his right hand long ust for Now
be couldn't scratch his head with the little finger nk
CONSIDER THE PLIGHT of the family that likes
been soDeons for 10 years and hasn't place left to steam
ship
spent an hour showing them all his literature winter
ADAM AND EVE and the pro-
genos Alamo
ned 1t seldom visitor informing
an that he is descendant of the whose
upon the bronze tablets
SOUTH SIDE filled gas Saturday
Sunday morning fishing trip Sunday morning the tank and he
mechanic needed the caburer had damned and all the
lad leaked
CITIZEN WALKING so impression prohibition
had into effect policeman Plaza nights
"shay where zhm inquired
recognized him and said; why you're jim Doe Impaeny h
citizen orted 81 know thai but where does zhm Doe ve Thazwa
wanna know"
BREACH BETWEEN affected
advertising
Italian Produce"
BRICKIAYERS IN NEW YORK drawing SAG dollars
difficult for ambitious choose between honest work and
bootleggng
THE CUss DISCUSS spent
under them without getting bough in the
ONEARMED FRIEND SAYS he glad that winter is
his did
his him chsgernested fields north Of
THEY ONLY KNEW IT Of small wasting effort
Dad looking
forwar o it just anxiousy Son is.
ARE APPROXIMATELY thirteen million
mathematician from that the
lying about the number Of miles they to the
gallon.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16
What Do You Know About That?

THE AMERICAN WEEKLY is putting on a contest wit
prizes Offered for the who
champions Now all together
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

IF THEY ONLY KNEW IT lot Of small boys wasting
ng their fathers take them the circus next Saturday Da
orward it just anxously Son is.
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY thirteen million in
Hemisphere Any mathematician figure from that Il
about the number miles they to
gallon
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

ADAM Revolution are the pro-
genos of the human
1t seldom visitor
that
upon tablets
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

MAN IN THE OFFICE letting the nail the little fl
his right hand long ust for fun Now clipped
be couldn't scratch his head with the little finger
San Antonio light. [volume] (San Antonio, Tex.) 1911-1993, 1923-09-16

Copyright. 1923, by the McNaught
Syndicate, Incorporated
Americus times-recorder., 1923-03-24
MRS. WARREN is HOSTESS TO
FRIDAY AFTERNOON az CLUB.

On Friday afternoon at her home
on Lee street, Mrs J. T. Warren was
hostess at a lovely party, having as
her guests the members of her AZ
club and few outside friends to
fill vacancies.
The tables were placed in the liv-
ing room and dining room which
were artistically decorated with
sprays of crabapple blossoms, grace
fully arranged in jardineres and
flower baskets.
Following the game, delicious
salad course with hot coffee was
served.
Ne invitation list includes Mrs.
Frank Turpin, Mrs. Lee Hansf6rd,
Mrs. Elton Parker, Mrs. Emmett An
derson, Mrs. Joe Bryan, Mrs. L. w.
Brown, Mrs. S. H. Kittle, Mrs. Cliff
Williams, Mrs. ]. L. Henderson, of
Hampton, Mrs. Jas. Lott, Mrs. Frank
Sheffield, Mrs. John Sheffield, Mrs.
Lee Council, Mrs. Sam Heys, Mrs.
George Oliver, Mrs. w. NJ. Humber,
Mrs. John Wooten, and Mrs. A. c.
Crockett.
Americus times-recorder., 1923-03-24

Tom Mars hall, Mrs. J. W. Walker,
Mrs. Cleve Tiliman, Mrs. c. NJ. Hall,
Mrs. Esto1i Buchanan, j., Mrs. C.
A. Schneid er, Mrs. G. c. WdJb, Mrs.
W. B. Wo1 thy, Mrs. Frank Harold,
Mrs. H. O. Jones, Mrs. Tom Lane,
Miss Edith Creighton, Miss Clebe
Kemp, Mrs F.. P. Stackhouse and
Mrs. V. NJ Holloway
MISS EAS1tER Rim ENTERTAINS
THURSDAY BRIDGE CLUB.
Thursday afternoon at her home
on Lee street, Miss Mary Eliza
beth EasterE was hostess at an en-
ioyable brid Sc party, having as her
guests the Inembers of the Thursday
Afternoon Bridge club.
Bright spring flowers formed a
charming decoration for the living
room wlaefe the guests were enter
tanned.
At the conclusion of the game a
tempting salad course was served by
the hoste SIS, assisted by her mother,
Mrs. w. 0 .Easterlin.
There we're only two tables of
Americus times-recorder., 1923-03-24
MRS. CLARKE POOLE
ENTERTAINS AZ CLUB

One of the prettiest parties of the
week was that at which Mrs. Clarke
Poole entertained Friday afternoon
at her home on Harold avenue, hav-
ing as her guests the members of
the Friday Afternoon az club and
several tables Of outside friends.
The dining room, living room and
music from, v6ere the tables were
placed were thrown together and
beautifully decorated. French bas
kets of snapdragons, roses, Califor-
MIA poppies, and narcissi effectively
arranged, were placed at intervals
on the rnantels and consoles.
AT the conclusion OF the game, a
delicious salad course with tea was
served followed bya sweet course.
There were seven tables Of play
ers, and those invited besides the
members were Mrs. E. L. Carswell,
Mrs. Irving Poole, Mrs. Reese Hor-
ton, Mrs. Nathan Murray, Mrs. Viii
lis Hawkins, Mrs. Cray Tillman, Mrs.