The Washington times., 1923-03-18
The Family
Album
By seBUGS" BAER.

on the door mat IS like the cpl
taph on a tombstone. It doesn' !.
mean q thing, It's a testimonial
lie, and nobody can prove 1t. He
used to walk around some Of the
most popular cemeteries laugh
ing at the marble fiction.
Uncle Jake was talking in a
battle whisper. He said, Pop"
you don't know enough to wear
socks to wedding"
Pop said. LET go Of my tongue
and I'll answer YOU"
Uncle Jake said, You're about
rs useful as q deaf mans ears"
Pop said, "And you're as handy
as an umbrella mender on a
duck farm"
Uncle Jake said Henry Ford
will never be President Of this
country as long as whiskers are
made of hair"
Pop said, You're dumber than
. jury and I'll knock. you flatter
than a lily pad"
Uncle Jake said, You're thick
as glue and twice as nasty"
Then pop Dashed Uncle Jake on
his nose that was so long It had
an elbow joint in it like an arm.
Uncle Jake was q near relative
and his nose brought his nearer.
Pop said, why can't Henry Ford
be PRESIDENT"
Uncle Jake said. cit will take a
million votes. and even Henry
Ford can't afford to give away
that many automobiles.
Pop shook his neck in the at
firmative. Politics are very easy
TO understand when men like
Uncle Jake explain all the secret
diplomacy and transcontincntal
duplicity.
Pop had to give Uncle JalSe's
superior misjudgment. Pop and
Uncle Jake were brothers since
boyhood and were both engaged
10 sisters in Chambersburg, Pa.
1t was a double wedding with
two brides. two grooms and two
police vans.
It was sumner and mons
bridal veil was a piece OF mo-
squfto netting off the front porch.
Aunt Booiie couldn't find any
netting, so she wore a hammock
trimmed with peanut shells.
Nom used to like to talk abou.
the first time she saw pop It
was love at the first impudent
stare. Pop thought that nom
was her sister.
Pop says that weddings start
with your bride leaning on your
elbow and wind up with her
whole family leaning on your
neck. But he never denied that
nom looked very beautiful az
she went eagerly up the aisle
carrying a magnificent bouquet
Of orange skins.
After the minister started ask
ing pop some questions that
sounded like the literacy test at
Ellis Island, he turned to Uncle
Jake, but Uncle Jake demanded
q trial by jsary.
Long after years pop and Uncle
Jake used to smoke and talk
about the days when they were
young and there were not any
labor unions to encourage work.
Uncle Jake said, How did you
come to marry F'lossie?"
Pop tried to turn the talk to a
friendly subject. but Uncle Jake
was loaded with stubbornness.
Pop said. ooh. I took pity on
her. She had askma."
Uncle Jake said, "Askma? You
mean asthma, don't you? That's
when you try to breathe and you
Join a fife and drum corps In
stead"
Pop said, mo, I know what 1
mean, you big food expert. When
/ say asknna I mean askma Floss
had askma."
Uncle Jake looked around to
see IL pop was keeping a pa
triotic eagle eye on his tobacco
and said, Whats askma?"
Pop says, Every time asked
Floss for a kiss she would tell me
to ask ma"
Uncle Jake said, Huh, huh,
that's a very diplomatic answer
because it don't mean anything"
Pop said, 1T would ask her for
q hug and she would tell me to
ask ma. II / wanted to take her
for a boss and buggy ride she
would tell me to ask ma. So /
married her to cure her Of
askma."
Uncle Jake managed to spoon
some tobacco loose from pops jar
without raising any national
clamor for reparations, and said,
Huh, huh"
Pop said, Yep, I cured Floss
Of her askma. Then her mother
came to live with me and now I
got the askma."
Uncle Jake said, Huh, huh"
In his most charming manner.