The Washington times., 1923-02-25

muter and the commuters
This is more than a. figure Of
speech, we are informed. By the
time the wielder Of the pots and
kettles has travelled out far
enough to get her lungs filled
with pure suburban air, she is in
a state of mind which results in
burned chops, scorched coffee,
and cinder rolls.
Cooks are metropolitan ami
mails, and disinclined to move
any great distance beyond the
white lights. They prefer the
society of the municipal police
man to that Of thte rural mail
man. and thtey wish to live right
around the corner from good
movie rather than within stone
throwing ristance Of a good
pasture.
In order to combat this idiosin-
cracy of cooks, suburbanites have
evolved a unique scheme of cook
cry. The beauty Of it is that it
sometimes works.
You may have heard Of split
infinitives, split hairs, split
tickets and split pea soup.
Now comes thte split cook
that is, the newest idea in twist
ing the tail Of the ancient SER
want problem.
The plan is perfectly simple,
even If 1t isn't simply perfect.
A dozen or more families club
together and form a community
kitchen, hiring one cook to man
age the whole shooting match.
With one cook supplying a
dozen tables, you can imagine
the results-sometimes. After
the folks have dubbed together
for a certain length Of time, they
have to use all the self-control
they possess to keep from club
bling separately-and with fatal
results.
In theory, Of course, the idea
is all right. The community cook
simply dishes up enough for
twelve families instead Of one.
But in practice
II she's a good cook, all is well.
She cheerfully feeds the multi
tude. And If she is a bum cook,
well-she cheerfully poisons 'em,
and that's the end of the chapter.
And If she's an average cook
and most of them are-she will
be able to burn twelve times as
many roasts, break twelve times
as many dishes and waste twelve
times as much butter.
The only thing she wouldn't be
able to do in the same proportion
is carry things home with her.
She won't be able to carry twelve
times as much, because she's al
ready carrying all she can man
age-and more than she can eat.
The advantages Of the scheme
are purely psychological. For IN
stance, the wife under the COM
munity plan won't be able to stick
her head out the back door or
down the dumbwaiter shaft and
announce after a moment Of sniff
ing that 1.-THE Joneses are warm
ing over the corned beef and
cabbage tonight"
II anybody's having warmed
over corned beef and cabbage
they'll all be having it. The
aristocracy of the larder will be
abolished.
Every dining room will exhale
the same flavor. II it's fish, it
will be fish with a Vengeance. II
it's liver and onions, one grand
Ifver-and-onion whiff will per-
meate the whole neighborhood.
There will be no room for
neighborIy jealousy and neighbol
" spite. The wife can't say:
"welI, If you give me a larger
allowance i could buy porter
ouse steak instead of salt PORK
once in a while" Nor complain.
81 don't see why we can't have
roast goose. The Smiths do, and
he doesn't get bit more salary
than you do"
On the question or chicken,
However, the community kitchen
presents a real problem. How is
the white goig to be divided
among twelve families? Will it
be a case of rist come first
served, or will the family whicn
lives nearest te cicken get first
coice?
Some equitable system of divid'
ing the fowls will have to be de-
vised. The job can't be put off on
the cook, nor left to hte laws OF
natural selection. Murder might
result from the loss Of the sec
ond joint, and a regular Kentucky
feud might break out over mere
detail Of breast.
And think of the poor head OF
the family-the heads of all the
twelve families, in fact. How will
it be arranged so that they can
continue to enjoy te neck-and-
gizzard diet to which they have
grown accustomed? They have
been on these rations for so long
that a sudden change might
prove fatal.
This Is the rock upon which
the split diet plan will split.