davidaulloa/AmericanStories huggingface dataset:
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05

head towers up into the June
sky, we would find, If we could
apply a huge tape line, that he
stands 900 feet in his socks. The
soles of his shoes would be three
and a half feet thick and his
heels about ten feet thick. His
feet would be approximately 100
feet long and forty feet wide.
This huge being would have to
go some distance to sea in order
to find water deep enough to give
himself a bath. He would re-
quire a cake of soap as large as
a ballroom-and not such a small
room at that-sixty-eigh to sew
enty feet long and forty five to
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05

forty-eight feet wide. His towel
would be about $50 feet long.
Brobding could never enjoy the
luxury of a shower bath. He
might shampoo his head under
flowing water, however, by lying
down in the rapids of Niagara
Falls and putting his head under
the falls. He would, however,
have to keep his head down.
Walking at the same rate of
speed as the ordinary man he
would whistle through the air at
a speed of more than fifty miles
an hour. Thus, by walking briskly
for four hours, he could cover
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05

an estimate might have been
reached by adding the weights Of
the 100000 and, with the weight
known. figuring the height of the
combined figure from the known
tables of normal weights.
SOME BATH TUB.
And now, as Noble Nagian ffn-
ishes his short nap and, slowly
opening his eyes, which are twelve
feet across from corner to corner,
stretches his arms, each 400 feet
long, and reluctantly sits up, let
us again study his huge frame.
His shoulders are IT'S feet
across. AS he slowly rises and his
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05

give little bits each .00S Of en-
ounce in weight.)
Now. let us see If we can Wis
ual our throng of 800. 900 Shriners
in another way.
Imagine every man, woman and
child moving out Of the city Of
Washington. Imagine the city
cleared Of every person now living
here as the sun goes down. You
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05
STATTSTTCAN ROLLS
THRONG OF 100000
INTO MAMMOTH MAN
Using Combined Hum
ger of Visitors, Co
Iossal Human Crea-
tion Would Cost, for
Food, $4,000, 1000
Day.
Ry JOSEPH s. EDGERTON.
Copyright, 1898, by The washington
Permitted with Full Credtt.l

fCouyrlRht, 1898, by Tho WashingtOn
Permitted with Full Credit.l
AYONCHALANTLY lean
IN ing on the sharp point
~ of the Washington
Monument, which failed to
pierce the enormously thick
skin of his hands, and which
he was able to reach by
STOPPING slightly, Nobl lie
Brobding Nagian, the out
standing figure in the
Ancient Arabic Order, No
bles of the Mystic Shrine,
I in session in the National
Capital, contentedly brushed
from his lips with a forty
foot fore finger a half dozen
or so loaves of bread, the
crumbs from his 100000
luncheon.
He then stopped over and
rinsed out in the waters of
the Tidal Basin the $4,000
gallon oil tank from which
he had just drank his coffee
SD Jumps Of sugar, please
and, drying the huge cup
on his handkerchief, which
was only 1876 feet square,
he reached over and re-
trieved his fez, which he had
for convenience sake placed
over the dome of the Capt.
toll, only half size smaller
than his own head.
In placing the fez on his head.
which was more than fifty feet
through from ear to ear, Noble
Nagian unfortunately brushed loose
. hair which. though only sixty
feet long and of about the size
and texture of half-inch steel
cable, gathered sufficient inertia
in its 900-foot drop to drive it
crashing through the top of an
automobile parked on the Speed
way in East Potomac Park.
Unaware of this accident, the
mammoth Shriner, after short
run through the Mall, leaped
across the Potomac river, his
heels digging trenches six feet
deep and thirty feet wide in the
soft earth of the Arlington farms.
FOOD BILL HIGH.
Stepping carefully so as to avoid
the scattered towns and isolated
homes which dotted the green-clad
countryside and because of his
caution taking short strides of
but q city block in length, he set
out to find a vacant meadow suf-
nciently large to enable him to
SS~~S~AA WI All - 6hOAb nALCAhOO11
nap and yet so far removed from
the nearest home or factory that,
in case he should snore, the ex-
cessive vibration OF the earth
caused thereby might not shake
loose the plaster and break the
windows in the homes Of innocent
folk OF the ordinary size.
Now, before you get a chance
to ask a second time what sort
Of pipe dream this may be, we'n
slip in q paragraph Of explanation.
Noble Brobding Nagian is not
20 much a creature Of the mag
ination as you may surmise. The
city Of Washington is called upon
to feed this giant Shriner. His
keep will amount to $4,000, 900
daily. Noble Brobding Nagian is,
Of course, the colossal being who
would result from the rolling into
one human OF the 900, 900 Shriners
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05
What Session Means

TE immensely of the Shrine session is shown by these
figures:
Three hundred thousand Shriners in attendance.
Two hundred thousand visitors other than SMiners.
Hotels OVERLOOKING.
Fifty thousand in one Pullman city.
Three hundred Pullman cars parked in Washington
Terminal
One hundred thousand rooms in private homes filled.
Thrty-five thousand automobiles here.
The Shrners double the ordinary quantity Of
food used by the District. The following figures are
based upon the needs Of 100000 shrners for the three
days Of the session alone
One thousand head Of cattle.
Six hundred thousand loaves of bread.
Two hundred thousand dozens Of eggs.
Three hundred thousand fishes.
Three hundred thousand chickens.
One hundred and fifty tons Of butter.
One million two hundred thousand cigars
Three hundred tons Of fresh fruit.
Six hundred thousand quarts Of coffee.
: One hundred thousand pounds Of candy.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-06-05
WEIRD COMPUTATION
H E L p S VISUALIZE
SHRINE MULTITUDE
If City Were Err1ptied
of All Inhabitants,
Then Thrown Open
To Sflriners Only,
There Would Be a
Greater Population
Than Before.

would look down Pennsylvania
avenue and SEQ not one soul
nobody in sight anywhere, in any
public building. store or private
home. The Shriners come In with
their families and friends. and 10!
there IL an entire new population,
even larger than the first. al OF
them strangers.
Another way: Let as form 100,-
900 Shrjners in single file, three
feet apart. How long IL this
line to be? Five miles7 Ten
miles? No. keep on adding to
your line until you get $50 miles
OF men and you will have your
100000. Watch this enormous col
umn winding into Washington
over the mountains from the
Northwest. When the first man
reaches the Treasury Department
the last man win stilI be :. good
six days walk out Of the city,
away out in the mountains be-
yond Cumberland, Md
And now let US seat our guests
at table. arranging them side by
side, as close as may be comfort
able, on both sides OF the table.
How long are you going to make
this table? II you viii accommo-
date your guests. your table must
be fifty miles long. This table
would be Just long enough to ex-
tend around the four sides Of the
original District Of Columbia, with
enough table left to cross the GEN.
ter and connect two sides.
2 One waiter can take care OF
perhaps twenty men conveniently.
We therefore find that we must
have $1,000 walters to feed our
Shrine guests alone.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
A Drag with J. Pluvius

the country the young spaghetti
crop was simply dying on thu
vineA In Venice gondola cabbies
were kicking about the dusty
condition Of the boulevards.
But It didn't take long for Doc
Hatfield to equip the blue skies
Of italy with hot and cold faucets.
Now he's In great demand wherS-
ever there's q drouth and tho
natives are using their tongues
for, desk blotters.
The Doc is said 90 have Orde1
TO trrigate the Sahara desert until
every Shiok has % trade In his
camel for Q canoe Later he
viii be available 10 start n
freehet In that abandoned ditch
once famed q the old Green
River. "-
While va doR the hat 70 Hat
field. there are other weather
vows In the business Some
claim they can supply delicates-
sen sunstroles TO Arctic az
plorer1. Also sleigh rides for
Florida Summer resorterA
Rain making Is comparatively
q new art, but long ago America.
began producing experts at rails
ing the wind. Most Of thess
windjammers owe their jobs to
nnlitica -.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18

cay hano hare in tbs city
fem ynrs IN . good JOB, too"
"VSIly hns place washes
Ghht0A. alle0 samOo Pen street. +"
II tel1S you. meester, est sss
HkR deea. Too moochA troub. "
"Can the Applesauce, kid.
There ID absolutely nothing
stirring"
"Well, it's q right smart piece
deouwn the rud. I dunno how
fur"
II say 10 heem Ike xis, I am
var sorry, Monsieur"
$50 I connect q sock with tno
old button and dis guy takes Q
trip"
''Yessuh, yessuh, captain. That
II the fondes' thing All % Of"
~Playtng for cakes out On ths
lamp and wick, me doing leads. I"
$50 l give this puddle jumper
the air and / says to him, I
sayS"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18

After hiring a Arst class rain
maker, wear your rubber boots
TO bed. Have . rowboat roped
to the flagpole on the garage, for
nothing L. moro exasperating
than to be forced to float down
stream on the quarterback Of .
hen coop.
The modern drouth engineer
does his stuff simply by pushing
y button and pulling a switch.
Presto-the sky becomes blacker
then the ceiling of a hot waffle
kitchen. There Is Q rumble like
q load Of sheet iron falling down.
stairs. The air is full Of hne
particles Of water, as If an army
Of amateurs were eating grape
fruit.
Then, blooiel A deluge has
doused the district, a mixed feet
Of hIvvers, laundry carts and
dog houses Is riding without
anchor, and the whole county
goes wet by a huge majority. i !.
Tho fame Of Americas rain
barrel filters has leaked abroad.
Ttaly's hero Il old Doc Hatfield,
the peerless Yankee sky plumber,
Last Summer Italy was simply
drying up from Rome to Naples.
MouWt Vesuvius hadn't a pound
Of steam In its boilers, and cut u
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
The New York Language

ONE foreigner In New York
has refused = 80 ahead
With the process Of be-
coming an American citi1en be-
cause he finds It impossiblS 10
learn the New York language.
Il really isn't a. bad as that.
People who have lived here two
or three years have no difficulty
catching occasional snatches Of
conversation-enough to get by.
When one Il not conversant
with the language being spoken
in his vicinity, 1t Is comparatively
easy to make signs.
Perhaps the best place TO hear
the languages melt into one uni
versal New York gibberish Ia in
the subway, that great leveller Of
classes and nerve center Of
Democracy. Within Q few blocks
during the rush hour the con-
versation runs somewhat o. fol-
lows, picked up here and there
from different passengerss
Herr Conductor, want to be
out going by Fourteen Strasse."
"Awrightl Tell yuh when we
git there. Douss that snipe."
"Oh, you should see my Sadie !
A fine new fur coat she got It."
$50 l blouse along with this
6at-wheelsr 70 an egg harboz."
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
Know Your
Own Country

HOWN ct Palm Beach the
people 60 out and lie on
the shore, but they can also
% - b the hotels when telling
about their incomes
6e@s u he sword-Aah that
@nksTta1n the vigttors a4 southern
esOoxh havs become very expert
Guceza. bat none Of them has
become su6icisutly adept 70 d.
my fencing with barbsd wtrA
There n o man in Brooklyn
Who has never sssn Broadway,
but he In just % well of az the
fellow who saw Il last week, for
& has all been changed since
ehsn.
They used 10 think that tha
man who invented the first auto
mobile was Grassy and now they
know he waA
The District Of Columbia q q
mail patch Of ground which sur
rounds the city Of Washington
Cor the purpose Of keeping the
eatiSens Of that town from voting.
AIkaH b . chalI1y substance
which IN mainly used In this
country for the construction Of
deserts which arc used mainly by
AoveliseA
The Indians Of North Amer
Ia were called red-men for the
reason that they were Of Q very
dark brown color.
The first steamboat that navi-
gated the Hudson River did not
carry . jazz orchestra for the
season that, In those days, people
0eod all their cooking utensils
0ook with
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
First Aid to Users
of Modern English
TTHAT'S the mudworm'B toe
nailsl

THAT'S the mudworm'S toe
nailsl
That's the butterdy's
boots!
That's the haddock's hornsl
That's the eel's eyelashesl
That's the bullfrog's beardl
That's the crocodile's collar
buttonl
That's the pigs wingsI
That's the hippo's hoderyi
That's the hsh's footprintsl
That's the snail's heelsl
That's the owls overallsi
That's the cuckoo's chinl
That's tho CLAIMS 7ong and
dancel
That's the mosquitoes muxzlo!
That's the oysters elbowI =
That's the elephants fnsl
That's the leopard's stripesl
That's the cats scalesl
That's the subway'S spare seaAI
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
wixards are get

UTEATHER wi1ards are get
w ting ready for . boom
" IN canned climate. Pro.
1Assional rain makers, foreseeinE
Q long dry spell next Summer,
propose to raise q synthetic
umbrella crop.
No longer do farmers take
meekly any kind Of hand-m4-
down weather the forecaster
happens to have on tho shelf.
Now the sturdy agriculturist
mails his waist measure and col
lar band size up to the city and
has his weather made-to-measure.
II it's rain the farmer Is pant
Ing for, he calls in a weather
wizard who can make skies weep
% If the field Of stars were q
patch Of Ave pointed onions.
One minute the soil IL drying
upl the blazing sky IL as clear
az q movie silver sheet. The
next minute there's q crash In
the celestial pantry and natures
Arc extinguishers open up.
Before the rain maker gets on
the Job the very Ash In tho river
arc talking about going to
Canada for q drink. After he
gets in his f1ne work those Ash
wish they had taught their
youngsters how 70 swim.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18

Heroes and Pests
KTY heroine n
vi v1 ~: -, s': ::
Hs1 dAdS Oallaroete!
A guy I hate
Is Joe McKimmies,
Who's got nothing on earth
Except the "gimmiesr'
My heroine n
Ida Tate,
Who's always on time
When abe makes q datel
A man I hatO
L. Richard KhkI
That liar says
He loves 10 work.
Ny hero h
DENTIST Mccall,
Who never says
"Y0u won't feel Il at allv'
A gal hate
(NOw don't you laugh).
In q gal that's only
Three quarts and q half
0AnvgAWh& 1090. ~ Star CO.
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
Natural Aversion.

EGVOU might ask Mary to get
= these stains off my coat with
q little gasoline"
ooh, Georgel l can'tl Since
the chauffeur Tilted her she can't
stand the smell Of it,"
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
Beauty
q Ia Mud


more than skin deep n
axgunSsnt Can homelinees Be
sufOd By mud masl1f This
question has them nnuddled.
The opidermis hostlers claim
that . mud mask worn while
sIeeping Wfn make . Venus out
of . Mexican Washwonnan. They
claim q WIN aholiah wrinkles.
givs crows fest their walking
papers and put o dime polish On
. duh noss.
i But II Q fond Husband obiecks
- seeing his wis ii curl papers,
what win be ~ - her mud-pie
. 1dcof
Ones IL expression, sAs
honoly - . mud fsncO," was the
mast low-Hfs compliment you
eould pay. But now ~ suspect
CREST beauty lurAB d . mud
1sncs. Beauty parlor1 a1O send
mg cut pirate crews 70 steal
mud fences. ban ont duck ponds
and Loot mud hOleA
rs quite exciting - oEdsR
Dsauty . Il mud q . pulChritude
baxaaR First tho obliging IT.
tondaut pats yUu gently en- the
1aeo with . spade Tho mud
gets into you1 mouth. but then.
you came - Improve your
boSuty, NOT your taStA
The mud masseuse aslD ~ e
you'l have 0 mud bath. but %
you are unable 70 talk hack Jon
tax Whist you gst and that's .
dirty deal.
4 A mud bath d mo1O e9sansing
than . Pittsburgh SCOT bath It's
healthy, too. : Look at the turtle.
A turtle thinks nothing d bath
ine hi mud FOR pears and years
Il lives for two or three centuries
On . regular allowance Of ground
gravy.
One turtle An The roo b % old
& remembers when the town
wasn't all torn up. Il was
bsardless youth when Napoleon
crossed the Rubicon-Or was II
the AIleghany1 This turtle
might have been . passenger on
the Arst railroad train, but Of
course Il couldn't buy . ticket,
being flat.
A turtle lives TO great age but
matures slowly. A walking soup
dish may 1--we to be . grandfather
without contracting the cigarette
habit. But most of these mud
Methuselahs have young Ideas
and Wild notions. Thst's Why
they end mp In . turtle stew
Another healthy muu DaLher b
the mud eat This fsh prOwls
the muddy Missouri ) river bot
toms. A mud cas makes . nice
Pct except that yOu cant drown
its Kittens
Mud baths have drawn the Are
Of cynics. II mud b Q beautifer,
they say, political candidates
should be the most attractive
creatures on earth.
Some Of the beauties Of history
were addicted to adobe -ablutions.
Cleopatra loved 70 wallow IN the
mud banks Of the Nile. Il Marc
Antony had worn mud guards he
might not have splashed into oil
that trouble.
Queen Elizabeth would have
taken Q mud bath had not Sir
Walter Raleigh flung his &12.9S
Glicker over the puddle that lay
In her path.
Rumor hath Il Eha& Queen LIZ
never risked q bath Of any kind
In her life. II wasn't done in
those days. Sir Walter saved
her from taking . mud bath, thus
keeping her record clean.
Some women In search Of sur
passing beauty are not going t.
be satisfied with . mud
masquerade. now and then.
Imagine Q martyr 70 iOveliness
carrying Q small COB Of mud in
her vanity case.
Every once In Q while shen IN
corrupt the conversation, open up
her portable beauty parlOr and
back behind the mirror.
''Pardon mo, DEAR" she'n nay,
aG-A{1A v,o111dxt nv roaA -
The Washington times. [volume] (Washington [D.C.]) 1902-1939, 1923-02-18
How to Become
a Banker
~HE first thine for the your

THE first thing FOR the young
man TO do In order 10 be-
come o successful banker
b to invent . signature that mo-
body, not even . counterfeitsr
Or check.raiser,- can read.
Is your name happens 10 be N.
Sorghum Owsditch, for instance,
sit down and spend several years,
i necessary, In drafting Sig
nsture that win fool ell crooks
% well a. ell your friends and
customers into believing that
sour signature isl
mo Smoking Allowed"
This b one Of the most I'M
portant things to learn. When
bankers write to each other they
maintain an air Of deep mystery.
When . banker gets Q letter he
doesn't know whether Il q from
Maxim Gorly or T. Whalebone
Waterspout, and when he answers
@ and signs his own name, the
man who gets It thinks that the
Hignature'is j mystic threat from
ahe Ku Klux Klan.
The signatures Of the leading
Bankers Of New York City would,
q first glance, seem 70 BE- the
1Ollowing:,
Rooms TO Rent"
Fl Buy 0ldclothes."
~Fa;nily Entrance"
; sE. Pluribus Unum."
sHoc Signo Vinces."
swatch Your Step"
eN. z. Central"
40. 8. Mailwagon.c
sB. v. d. Underwear"
Some bankers sign with -four
khss and some without, and some
bangle their names up In mono
gram style until they look a.
though they were traced by o.
saterpiIlar who had nested IN OIL
Aaxrel Of bootleg.
Signatures with Hourishes are
pefhaps the. best, because the
friends Of these bankers can al
NayS recognize the fiourishes
when the letters mean nothing &C
III. )
When You become . banker |
yeu must be very strict about the
Signatures Of depositors. II one
p6, those shows the slightest ir-
regularity you must not honor
ehs check, but send It back
marked signature Informal"
md .H you send . letter along |
with It, sign it 20 that the recip-
lsnt doesn't know whether your
own signature Ii O code message |
% an ambassador or diagram
pf the gee-whilliker Of . radio
broadcasting machine.
Many bankers have their Dig
natures patented. When one Of
them does this he ties up the en-
tire machinery Of the patent Of
Gee for nine days while the ex-
perts concentrate on the blue
print Of his signature and try to
hnscramble it.
When a number Of bankers
get 70 signing programmes at q
banquet, it IL time for the In
kentor Of Spencerian penmanship
b turn over In hia grave.
They say you can dope out Z /
uAn's intellectual capacity by his
handwriting. but II that were
true four-hfths Of the bankers
would DO down a4 Central IsIip
claiming they were Napoleon or
Confucius.
El Mundo. [volume] (San Juan, P.R.) 1919-1990, 1923-07-06
La canpaila de Ios:pro-
teStanteS alnerlCaROS en-
hispanO america es
intenSa

MADRID, julio s. Omitted Press). III
importante diario "El Debate rama
Ia atenci6n a los catolicos sobre L. in
intensa campafia que los protestalites
arericanos vienen llevando a efecto en-
Argentina otras Republicas hispano-
americanas, empIeando en- clio cuantio
sas cantidades de dinero.
Como quiera que la campana protes
tante Sc intensifica cada vez mas-agrs
ga ell referido peri6dico-los cat6licos
espanoies deben escEchar las voces de
alarma que dan los argentinos, pues e
nGmero de iglesias protestantes aunlen
ia cada dia.
lei Debate termina incitando pa
"a que la campia americana sea coz
trarrestada.
El Mundo. [volume] (San Juan, P.R.) 1919-1990, 1923-07-06
AcTIvIDADES DEL GRAN
JURADo EN- PONCE

Ell Gran Jurado de la Corte de Dis
trito Gle Ponce. declare fundadas las
acusaciones contra Segundo Ramos, por
mn de ito de atentado a la vida; con-
tr9i Bernardino Irizarry, por mutiia-
zion; contra Guillermo Bono, por no
micidio voluntario; contra Miguel Mer-
.cado Torres, por violation; contra
Cos,ne Irizarry, por seduction; contra
jesse zaba, por mutilaci6n; CONTRA Ma
.nuel Royo. por destruction de bienes
asegurados; contra Gnmersindo Alnlo-
d6vsz, cor falSifcsci6n; contra Her
mimic Lugar6 Y Jose Antonio velaz.
quez, por perjuro, y contra Candida
Meletiche, por escalamiento.
ElJurado declare inftndadas las acu
saciOnes que habia presentado ei Fis
lcal contra Lucas vicens. por faisa re
presentation; contra Antonio MEiOz
ror abugo de confanza, contra Pedro
Uaquia, por escalamiento
El Mundo. [volume] (San Juan, P.R.) 1919-1990, 1923-07-06
HosPEDAJE

Debido al gran ndmero de personals
que asistiran las classes de verano en-
Rio Piedras solicitamos de todas las
familias de Rio Piedras barrios limi
trofes, que puedan ofrecer hospedaje a
los maestros, nos escriban, indicando
el ndmero que puedan acomodar, direc-
cson, sexo, precios cualQuier otra in
formation, que nos pueda ser it'll.
Dirijase al: DIRECTOR. EsCUELA
DE vERANo, RIO PIEDRAs, P. r.